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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5dcc860 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #60900 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/60900) diff --git a/old/60900-0.txt b/old/60900-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 81e16db..0000000 --- a/old/60900-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4944 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Merry Tales, by Mark Twain - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll -have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using -this ebook. - - - -Title: Merry Tales - -Author: Mark Twain - -Release Date: December 10, 2019 [EBook #60900] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MERRY TALES *** - - - - -Produced by Richard Tonsing and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - Fiction, Fact, and Fancy Series - - EDITED BY ARTHUR STEDMAN - - - MERRY TALES - - - - - Fiction, Fact, and Fancy Series. - - - MERRY TALES. - - BY MARK TWAIN. - - THE GERMAN EMPEROR AND HIS EASTERN NEIGHBORS. - - BY POULTNEY BIGELOW. - - SELECTED POEMS. - - BY WALT WHITMAN. - - DON FINIMONDONE: CALABRIAN SKETCHES. - - BY ELISABETH CAVAZZA. - - _Other Volumes to be Announced._ - - - Bound in Illuminated Cloth, each, 75 Cents. - - ⁂ _For Sale by all Booksellers, or sent postpaid, on receipt - of price, by the Publishers_, - - CHAS. L. WEBSTER & CO., NEW YORK. - - - - - MERRY TALES - - BY - - MARK TWAIN - - - New York - CHARLES L. WEBSTER & CO. - 1892 - - - - - Copyright, 1892, - CHARLES L. WEBSTER & CO. - (_All rights reserved._) - - - PRESS OF - JENKINS & MCCOWAN, - NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - EDITOR’S NOTE. - - -The projector of this Series has had in mind the evident desire of our -people, largely occupied with material affairs, for reading in a shape -adapted to the amount of time at their disposal. Until recently this -desire has been satisfied chiefly from foreign sources. Many reprints -and translations of the little classics of other literatures than our -own have been made, and much good has been done in this way. On the -other hand, a great deal of rubbish has been distributed in the same -fashion, to the undoubted injury of our popular taste. - -Now that a reasonable copyright law allows the publication of the better -class of native literature at moderate prices, it has seemed fitting -that these volumes should consist mainly of works by American writers. -As its title indicates, the “Fiction, Fact, and Fancy Series” will -include not only fiction and poetry, but such essays, monographs, and -biographical sketches as may appear, from time to time, to be called -for. - -To no writer can the term “American” more justly be applied than to the -humorist whose “Merry Tales” are here presented. It was in an effort to -devise some novel method of bringing these stories, new and old, before -the public, that this Series had its origin. But, aside from this, those -among us who can gather figs of thistles are so few in number as to make -their presence eminently desirable. - - NEW YORK, March, 1892. - - -_Acknowledgment should be made to the Century Company, and to Messrs. -Harper & Brothers, for kind permission to reprint several of these -stories from the “Century” and “Harper’s Magazine.”_ - - - - - CONTENTS. - - - PAGE - THE PRIVATE HISTORY OF A CAMPAIGN THAT FAILED, 9 - - THE INVALID’S STORY, 51 - - LUCK, 66 - - THE CAPTAIN’S STORY, 76 - - A CURIOUS EXPERIENCE, 85 - - MRS. MCWILLIAMS AND THE LIGHTNING, 144 - - MEISTERSCHAFT, 161 - - - - - MERRY TALES. - - - - - THE PRIVATE HISTORY OF A CAMPAIGN THAT FAILED. - - -You have heard from a great many people who did something in the war; is -it not fair and right that you listen a little moment to one who started -out to do something in it, but didn’t? Thousands entered the war, got -just a taste of it, and then stepped out again, permanently. These, by -their very numbers, are respectable, and are therefore entitled to a -sort of voice,—not a loud one, but a modest one; not a boastful one, but -an apologetic one. They ought not to be allowed much space among better -people—people who did something—I grant that; but they ought at least to -be allowed to state why they didn’t do anything, and also to explain the -process by which they didn’t do anything. Surely this kind of light must -have a sort of value. - -Out West there was a good deal of confusion in men’s minds during the -first months of the great trouble—a good deal of unsettledness, of -leaning first this way, then that, then the other way. It was hard for -us to get our bearings. I call to mind an instance of this. I was -piloting on the Mississippi when the news came that South Carolina had -gone out of the Union on the 20th of December, 1860. My pilot-mate was a -New Yorker. He was strong for the Union; so was I. But he would not -listen to me with any patience; my loyalty was smirched, to his eye, -because my father had owned slaves. I said, in palliation of this dark -fact, that I had heard my father say, some years before he died, that -slavery was a great wrong, and that he would free the solitary negro he -then owned if he could think it right to give away the property of the -family when he was so straitened in means. My mate retorted that a mere -impulse was nothing—anybody could pretend to a good impulse; and went on -decrying my Unionism and libeling my ancestry. A month later the -secession atmosphere had considerably thickened on the Lower -Mississippi, and I became a rebel; so did he. We were together in New -Orleans, the 26th of January, when Louisiana went out of the Union. He -did his full share of the rebel shouting, but was bitterly opposed to -letting me do mine. He said that I came of bad stock—of a father who had -been willing to set slaves free. In the following summer he was piloting -a Federal gun-boat and shouting for the Union again, and I was in the -Confederate army. I held his note for some borrowed money. He was one of -the most upright men I ever knew; but he repudiated that note without -hesitation, because I was a rebel, and the son of a man who owned -slaves. - -In that summer—of 1861—the first wash of the wave of war broke upon the -shores of Missouri. Our State was invaded by the Union forces. They took -possession of St. Louis, Jefferson Barracks, and some other points. The -Governor, Claib Jackson, issued his proclamation calling out fifty -thousand militia to repel the invader. - -I was visiting in the small town where my boyhood had been -spent—Hannibal, Marion County. Several of us got together in a secret -place by night and formed ourselves into a military company. One Tom -Lyman, a young fellow of a good deal of spirit but of no military -experience, was made captain; I was made second lieutenant. We had no -first lieutenant; I do not know why; it was long ago. There were fifteen -of us. By the advice of an innocent connected with the organization, we -called ourselves the Marion Rangers. I do not remember that any one -found fault with the name. I did not; I thought it sounded quite well. -The young fellow who proposed this title was perhaps a fair sample of -the kind of stuff we were made of. He was young, ignorant, good-natured, -well-meaning, trivial, full of romance, and given to reading chivalric -novels and singing forlorn love-ditties. He had some pathetic little -nickel-plated aristocratic instincts, and detested his name, which was -Dunlap; detested it, partly because it was nearly as common in that -region as Smith, but mainly because it had a plebeian sound to his ear. -So he tried to ennoble it by writing it in this way: _d’Unlap_. That -contented his eye, but left his ear unsatisfied, for people gave the new -name the same old pronunciation—emphasis on the front end of it. He then -did the bravest thing that can be imagined,—a thing to make one shiver -when one remembers how the world is given to resenting shams and -affectations; he began to write his name so: _d’Un Lap_. And he waited -patiently through the long storm of mud that was flung at this work of -art, and he had his reward at last; for he lived to see that name -accepted, and the emphasis put where he wanted it, by people who had -known him all his life, and to whom the tribe of Dunlaps had been as -familiar as the rain and the sunshine for forty years. So sure of -victory at last is the courage that can wait. He said he had found, by -consulting some ancient French chronicles, that the name was rightly and -originally written d’Un Lap; and said that if it were translated into -English it would mean Peterson: _Lap_, Latin or Greek, he said, for -stone or rock, same as the French _pierre_, that is to say, Peter; _d’_, -of or from; _un_, a or one; hence, d’Un Lap, of or from a stone or a -Peter; that is to say, one who is the son of a stone, the son of a -Peter—Peterson. Our militia company were not learned, and the -explanation confused them; so they called him Peterson Dunlap. He proved -useful to us in his way; he named our camps for us, and he generally -struck a name that was “no slouch,” as the boys said. - -That is one sample of us. Another was Ed Stevens, son of the town -jeweler,—trim-built, handsome, graceful, neat as a cat; bright, -educated, but given over entirely to fun. There was nothing serious in -life to him. As far as he was concerned, this military expedition of -ours was simply a holiday. I should say that about half of us looked -upon it in the same way; not consciously, perhaps, but unconsciously. We -did not think; we were not capable of it. As for myself, I was full of -unreasoning joy to be done with turning out of bed at midnight and four -in the morning, for a while; grateful to have a change, new scenes, new -occupations, a new interest. In my thoughts that was as far as I went; I -did not go into the details; as a rule one doesn’t at twenty-four. - -Another sample was Smith, the blacksmith’s apprentice. This vast donkey -had some pluck, of a slow and sluggish nature, but a soft heart; at one -time he would knock a horse down for some impropriety, and at another he -would get homesick and cry. However, he had one ultimate credit to his -account which some of us hadn’t: he stuck to the war, and was killed in -battle at last. - -Jo Bowers, another sample, was a huge, good-natured, flax-headed lubber; -lazy, sentimental, full of harmless brag, a grumbler by nature; an -experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite picturesque liar, -and yet not a successful one, for he had had no intelligent training, -but was allowed to come up just any way. This life was serious enough to -him, and seldom satisfactory. But he was a good fellow anyway, and the -boys all liked him. He was made orderly sergeant; Stevens was made -corporal. - -These samples will answer—and they are quite fair ones. Well, this herd -of cattle started for the war. What could you expect of them? They did -as well as they knew how, but really what was justly to be expected of -them? Nothing, I should say. That is what they did. - -We waited for a dark night, for caution and secrecy were necessary; -then, toward midnight, we stole in couples and from various directions -to the Griffith place, beyond the town; from that point we set out -together on foot. Hannibal lies at the extreme southeastern corner of -Marion County, on the Mississippi River; our objective point was the -hamlet of New London, ten miles away, in Ralls County. - -The first hour was all fun, all idle nonsense and laughter. But that -could not be kept up. The steady trudging came to be like work; the play -had somehow oozed out of it; the stillness of the woods and the -somberness of the night began to throw a depressing influence over the -spirits of the boys, and presently the talking died out and each person -shut himself up in his own thoughts. During the last half of the second -hour nobody said a word. - -Now we approached a log farm-house where, according to report, there was -a guard of five Union soldiers. Lyman called a halt; and there, in the -deep gloom of the overhanging branches, he began to whisper a plan of -assault upon that house, which made the gloom more depressing than it -was before. It was a crucial moment; we realized, with a cold -suddenness, that here was no jest—we were standing face to face with -actual war. We were equal to the occasion. In our response there was no -hesitation, no indecision: we said that if Lyman wanted to meddle with -those soldiers, he could go ahead and do it; but if he waited for us to -follow him, he would wait a long time. - -Lyman urged, pleaded, tried to shame us, but it had no effect. Our -course was plain, our minds were made up: we would flank the -farm-house—go out around. And that is what we did. - -We struck into the woods and entered upon a rough time, stumbling over -roots, getting tangled in vines, and torn by briers. At last we reached -an open place in a safe region, and sat down, blown and hot, to cool off -and nurse our scratches and bruises. Lyman was annoyed, but the rest of -us were cheerful; we had flanked the farm-house, we had made our first -military movement, and it was a success; we had nothing to fret about, -we were feeling just the other way. Horse-play and laughing began again; -the expedition was become a holiday frolic once more. - -Then we had two more hours of dull trudging and ultimate silence and -depression; then, about dawn, we straggled into New London, soiled, -heel-blistered, fagged with our little march, and all of us except -Stevens in a sour and raspy humor and privately down on the war. We -stacked our shabby old shot-guns in Colonel Ralls’s barn, and then went -in a body and breakfasted with that veteran of the Mexican War. -Afterwards he took us to a distant meadow, and there in the shade of a -tree we listened to an old-fashioned speech from him, full of gunpowder -and glory, full of that adjective-piling, mixed metaphor, and windy -declamation which was regarded as eloquence in that ancient time and -that remote region; and then he swore us on the Bible to be faithful to -the State of Missouri and drive all invaders from her soil, no matter -whence they might come or under what flag they might march. This mixed -us considerably, and we could not make out just what service we were -embarked in; but Colonel Ralls, the practiced politician and -phrase-juggler, was not similarly in doubt; he knew quite clearly that -he had invested us in the cause of the Southern Confederacy. He closed -the solemnities by belting around me the sword which his neighbor, -Colonel Brown, had worn at Buena Vista and Molino del Rey; and he -accompanied this act with another impressive blast. - -Then we formed in line of battle and marched four miles to a shady and -pleasant piece of woods on the border of the far-reaching expanses of a -flowery prairie. It was an enchanting region for war—our kind of war. - -We pierced the forest about half a mile, and took up a strong position, -with some low, rocky, and wooded hills behind us, and a purling, limpid -creek in front. Straightway half the command were in swimming, and the -other half fishing. The ass with the French name gave this position a -romantic title, but it was too long, so the boys shortened and -simplified it to Camp Ralls. - -We occupied an old maple-sugar camp, whose half-rotted troughs were -still propped against the trees. A long corn-crib served for sleeping -quarters for the battalion. On our left, half a mile away, was Mason’s -farm and house; and he was a friend to the cause. Shortly after noon the -farmers began to arrive from several directions, with mules and horses -for our use, and these they lent us for as long as the war might last, -which they judged would be about three months. The animals were of all -sizes, all colors, and all breeds. They were mainly young and frisky, -and nobody in the command could stay on them long at a time; for we were -town boys, and ignorant of horsemanship. The creature that fell to my -share was a very small mule, and yet so quick and active that it could -throw me without difficulty; and it did this whenever I got on it. Then -it would bray—stretching its neck out, laying its ears back, and -spreading its jaws till you could see down to its works. It was a -disagreeable animal, in every way. If I took it by the bridle and tried -to lead it off the grounds, it would sit down and brace back, and no one -could budge it. However, I was not entirely destitute of military -resources, and I did presently manage to spoil this game; for I had seen -many a steamboat aground in my time, and knew a trick or two which even -a grounded mule would be obliged to respect. There was a well by the -corn-crib; so I substituted thirty fathom of rope for the bridle, and -fetched him home with the windlass. - -I will anticipate here sufficiently to say that we did learn to ride, -after some days’ practice, but never well. We could not learn to like -our animals; they were not choice ones, and most of them had annoying -peculiarities of one kind or another. Stevens’s horse would carry him, -when he was not noticing, under the huge excrescences which form on the -trunks of oak-trees, and wipe him out of the saddle; in this way Stevens -got several bad hurts. Sergeant Bowers’s horse was very large and tall, -with slim, long legs, and looked like a railroad bridge. His size -enabled him to reach all about, and as far as he wanted to, with his -head; so he was always biting Bowers’s legs. On the march, in the sun, -Bowers slept a good deal; and as soon as the horse recognized that he -was asleep he would reach around and bite him on the leg. His legs were -black and blue with bites. This was the only thing that could ever make -him swear, but this always did; whenever the horse bit him he always -swore, and of course Stevens, who laughed at everything, laughed at -this, and would even get into such convulsions over it as to lose his -balance and fall off his horse; and then Bowers, already irritated by -the pain of the horse-bite, would resent the laughter with hard -language, and there would be a quarrel; so that horse made no end of -trouble and bad blood in the command. - -However, I will get back to where I was—our first afternoon in the sugar -camp. The sugar-troughs came very handy as horse-troughs, and we had -plenty of corn to fill them with. I ordered Sergeant Bowers to feed my -mule; but he said that if I reckoned he went to war to be dry-nurse to a -mule, it wouldn’t take me very long to find out my mistake. I believed -that this was insubordination, but I was full of uncertainties about -everything military, and so I let the thing pass, and went and ordered -Smith, the blacksmith’s apprentice, to feed the mule; but he merely gave -me a large, cold, sarcastic grin, such as an ostensibly seven-year-old -horse gives you when you lift his lip and find he is fourteen, and -turned his back on me. I then went to the captain, and asked if it was -not right and proper and military for me to have an orderly. He said it -was, but as there was only one orderly in the corps, it was but right -that he himself should have Bowers on his staff. Bowers said he wouldn’t -serve on anybody’s staff; and if anybody thought he could make him, let -him try it. So, of course, the thing had to be dropped; there was no -other way. - -Next, nobody would cook; it was considered a degradation; so we had no -dinner. We lazied the rest of the pleasant afternoon away, some dozing -under the trees, some smoking cob-pipes and talking sweethearts and war, -some playing games. By late supper-time all hands were famished; and to -meet the difficulty all hands turned to, on an equal footing, and -gathered wood, built fires, and cooked the meal. Afterward everything -was smooth for a while; then trouble broke out between the corporal and -the sergeant, each claiming to rank the other. Nobody knew which was the -higher office; so Lyman had to settle the matter by making the rank of -both officers equal. The commander of an ignorant crew like that has -many troubles and vexations which probably do not occur in the regular -army at all. However, with the song-singing and yarn-spinning around the -camp-fire, everything presently became serene again; and by and by we -raked the corn down level in one end of the crib, and all went to bed on -it, tying a horse to the door, so that he would neigh if any one tried -to get in.[1] - -Footnote 1: - - It was always my impression that that was what the horse was there - for, and I know that it was also the impression of at least one other - of the command, for we talked about it at the time, and admired the - military ingenuity of the device; but when I was out West three years - ago I was told by Mr. A. G. Fuqua, a member of our company, that the - horse was his, that the leaving him tied at the door was a matter of - mere forgetfulness, and that to attribute it to intelligent invention - was to give him quite too much credit. In support of his position, he - called my attention to the suggestive fact that the artifice was not - employed again. I had not thought of that before. - -We had some horsemanship drill every forenoon; then, afternoons, we rode -off here and there in squads a few miles, and visited the farmers’ -girls, and had a youthful good time, and got an honest good dinner or -supper, and then home again to camp, happy and content. - -For a time, life was idly delicious, it was perfect; there was nothing -to mar it. Then came some farmers with an alarm one day. They said it -was rumored that the enemy were advancing in our direction, from over -Hyde’s prairie. The result was a sharp stir among us, and general -consternation. It was a rude awakening from our pleasant trance. The -rumor was but a rumor—nothing definite about it; so, in the confusion, -we did not know which way to retreat. Lyman was for not retreating at -all, in these uncertain circumstances; but he found that if he tried to -maintain that attitude he would fare badly, for the command were in no -humor to put up with insubordination. So he yielded the point and called -a council of war—to consist of himself and the three other officers; but -the privates made such a fuss about being left out, that we had to allow -them to remain, for they were already present, and doing the most of the -talking too. The question was, which way to retreat; but all were so -flurried that nobody seemed to have even a guess to offer. Except Lyman. -He explained in a few calm words, that inasmuch as the enemy were -approaching from over Hyde’s prairie, our course was simple: all we had -to do was not to retreat _toward_ him; any other direction would answer -our needs perfectly. Everybody saw in a moment how true this was, and -how wise; so Lyman got a great many compliments. It was now decided that -we should fall back on Mason’s farm. - -It was after dark by this time, and as we could not know how soon the -enemy might arrive, it did not seem best to try to take the horses and -things with us; so we only took the guns and ammunition, and started at -once. The route was very rough and hilly and rocky, and presently the -night grew very black and rain began to fall; so we had a troublesome -time of it, struggling and stumbling along in the dark; and soon some -person slipped and fell, and then the next person behind stumbled over -him and fell, and so did the rest, one after the other; and then Bowers -came with the keg of powder in his arms, whilst the command were all -mixed together, arms and legs, on the muddy slope; and so he fell, of -course, with the keg, and this started the whole detachment down the -hill in a body, and they landed in the brook at the bottom in a pile, -and each that was undermost pulling the hair and scratching and biting -those that were on top of him; and those that were being scratched and -bitten, scratching and biting the rest in their turn, and all saying -they would die before they would ever go to war again if they ever got -out of this brook this time, and the invader might rot for all they -cared, and the country along with him—and all such talk as that, which -was dismal to hear and take part in, in such smothered, low voices, and -such a grisly dark place and so wet, and the enemy may be coming any -moment. - -The keg of powder was lost, and the guns too; so the growling and -complaining continued straight along whilst the brigade pawed around the -pasty hillside and slopped around in the brook hunting for these things; -consequently we lost considerable time at this; and then we heard a -sound, and held our breath and listened, and it seemed to be the enemy -coming, though it could have been a cow, for it had a cough like a cow; -but we did not wait, but left a couple of guns behind and struck out for -Mason’s again as briskly as we could scramble along in the dark. But we -got lost presently among the rugged little ravines, and wasted a deal of -time finding the way again, so it was after nine when we reached Mason’s -stile at last; and then before we could open our mouths to give the -countersign, several dogs came bounding over the fence, with great riot -and noise, and each of them took a soldier by the slack of his trousers -and began to back away with him. We could not shoot the dogs without -endangering the persons they were attached to; so we had to look on, -helpless, at what was perhaps the most mortifying spectacle of the civil -war. There was light enough, and to spare, for the Masons had now run -out on the porch with candles in their hands. The old man and his son -came and undid the dogs without difficulty, all but Bowers’s; but they -couldn’t undo his dog, they didn’t know his combination; he was of the -bull kind, and seemed to be set with a Yale time-lock; but they got him -loose at last with some scalding water, of which Bowers got his share -and returned thanks. Peterson Dunlap afterwards made up a fine name for -this engagement, and also for the night march which preceded it, but -both have long ago faded out of my memory. - -We now went into the house, and they began to ask us a world of -questions, whereby it presently came out that we did not know anything -concerning who or what we were running from; so the old gentleman made -himself very frank, and said we were a curious breed of soldiers, and -guessed we could be depended on to end up the war in time, because no -government could stand the expense of the shoe-leather we should cost it -trying to follow us around. “Marion _Rangers_! good name, b’gosh!” said -he. And wanted to know why we hadn’t had a picket-guard at the place -where the road entered the prairie, and why we hadn’t sent out a -scouting party to spy out the enemy and bring us an account of his -strength, and so on, before jumping up and stampeding out of a strong -position upon a mere vague rumor—and so on, and so forth, till he made -us all feel shabbier than the dogs had done, not half so -enthusiastically welcome. So we went to bed shamed and low-spirited; -except Stevens. Soon Stevens began to devise a garment for Bowers which -could be made to automatically display his battle-scars to the grateful, -or conceal them from the envious, according to his occasions; but Bowers -was in no humor for this, so there was a fight, and when it was over -Stevens had some battle-scars of his own to think about. - -Then we got a little sleep. But after all we had gone through, our -activities were not over for the night; for about two o’clock in the -morning we heard a shout of warning from down the lane, accompanied by a -chorus from all the dogs, and in a moment everybody was up and flying -around to find out what the alarm was about. The alarmist was a horseman -who gave notice that a detachment of Union soldiers was on its way from -Hannibal with orders to capture and hang any bands like ours which it -could find, and said we had no time to lose. Farmer Mason was in a -flurry this time, himself. He hurried us out of the house with all -haste, and sent one of his negroes with us to show us where to hide -ourselves and our tell-tale guns among the ravines half a mile away. It -was raining heavily. - -We struck down the lane, then across some rocky pasture-land which -offered good advantages for stumbling; consequently we were down in the -mud most of the time, and every time a man went down he blackguarded the -war, and the people that started it, and everybody connected with it, -and gave himself the master dose of all for being so foolish as to go -into it. At last we reached the wooded mouth of a ravine, and there we -huddled ourselves under the streaming trees, and sent the negro back -home. It was a dismal and heart-breaking time. We were like to be -drowned with the rain, deafened with the howling wind and the booming -thunder, and blinded by the lightning. It was indeed a wild night. The -drenching we were getting was misery enough, but a deeper misery still -was the reflection that the halter might end us before we were a day -older. A death of this shameful sort had not occurred to us as being -among the possibilities of war. It took the romance all out of the -campaign, and turned our dreams of glory into a repulsive nightmare. As -for doubting that so barbarous an order had been given, not one of us -did that. - -The long night wore itself out at last, and then the negro came to us -with the news that the alarm had manifestly been a false one, and that -breakfast would soon be ready. Straightway we were light-hearted again, -and the world was bright, and life as full of hope and promise as -ever—for we were young then. How long ago that was! Twenty-four years. - -The mongrel child of philology named the night’s refuge Camp -Devastation, and no soul objected. The Masons gave us a Missouri country -breakfast, in Missourian abundance, and we needed it: hot biscuits; hot -“wheat bread” prettily criss-crossed in a lattice pattern on top; hot -corn pone; fried chicken; bacon, coffee, eggs, milk, buttermilk, -etc.;—and the world may be confidently challenged to furnish the equal -to such a breakfast, as it is cooked in the South. - -We staid several days at Mason’s; and after all these years the memory -of the dulness, the stillness and lifelessness of that slumberous -farm-house still oppresses my spirit as with a sense of the presence of -death and mourning. There was nothing to do, nothing to think about; -there was no interest in life. The male part of the household were away -in the fields all day, the women were busy and out of our sight; there -was no sound but the plaintive wailing of a spinning-wheel, forever -moaning out from some distant room,—the most lonesome sound in nature, a -sound steeped and sodden with homesickness and the emptiness of life. -The family went to bed about dark every night, and as we were not -invited to intrude any new customs, we naturally followed theirs. Those -nights were a hundred years long to youths accustomed to being up till -twelve. We lay awake and miserable till that hour every time, and grew -old and decrepit waiting through the still eternities for the -clock-strikes. This was no place for town boys. So at last it was with -something very like joy that we received news that the enemy were on our -track again. With a new birth of the old warrior spirit, we sprang to -our places in line of battle and fell back on Camp Ralls. - -Captain Lyman had taken a hint from Mason’s talk, and he now gave orders -that our camp should be guarded against surprise by the posting of -pickets. I was ordered to place a picket at the forks of the road in -Hyde’s prairie. Night shut down black and threatening. I told Sergeant -Bowers to go out to that place and stay till midnight; and, just as I -was expecting, he said he wouldn’t do it. I tried to get others to go, -but all refused. Some excused themselves on account of the weather; but -the rest were frank enough to say they wouldn’t go in any kind of -weather. This kind of thing sounds odd now, and impossible, but there -was no surprise in it at the time. On the contrary, it seemed a -perfectly natural thing to do. There were scores of little camps -scattered over Missouri where the same thing was happening. These camps -were composed of young men who had been born and reared to a sturdy -independence, and who did not know what it meant to be ordered around by -Tom, Dick, and Harry, whom they had known familiarly all their lives, in -the village or on the farm. It is quite within the probabilities that -this same thing was happening all over the South. James Redpath -recognized the justice of this assumption, and furnished the following -instance in support of it. During a short stay in East Tennessee he was -in a citizen colonel’s tent one day, talking, when a big private -appeared at the door, and without salute or other circumlocution said to -the colonel,— - -“Say, Jim, I’m a-goin’ home for a few days.” - -“What for?” - -“Well, I hain’t b’en there for a right smart while, and I’d like to see -how things is comin’ on.” - -“How long are you going to be gone?” - -“’Bout two weeks.” - -“Well, don’t be gone longer than that; and get back sooner if you can.” - -That was all, and the citizen officer resumed his conversation where the -private had broken it off. This was in the first months of the war, of -course. The camps in our part of Missouri were under Brigadier-General -Thomas H. Harris. He was a townsman of ours, a first-rate fellow, and -well liked; but we had all familiarly known him as the sole and -modest-salaried operator in our telegraph office, where he had to send -about one despatch a week in ordinary times, and two when there was a -rush of business; consequently, when he appeared in our midst one day, -on the wing, and delivered a military command of some sort, in a large -military fashion, nobody was surprised at the response which he got from -the assembled soldiery,— - -“Oh, now, what’ll you take to _don’t_, Tom Harris!” - -It was quite the natural thing. One might justly imagine that we were -hopeless material for war. And so we seemed, in our ignorant state; but -there were those among us who afterward learned the grim trade; learned -to obey like machines; became valuable soldiers; fought all through the -war, and came out at the end with excellent records. One of the very -boys who refused to go out on picket duty that night, and called me an -ass for thinking he would expose himself to danger in such a foolhardy -way, had become distinguished for intrepidity before he was a year -older. - -I did secure my picket that night—not by authority, but by diplomacy. I -got Bowers to go, by agreeing to exchange ranks with him for the time -being, and go along and stand the watch with him as his subordinate. We -staid out there a couple of dreary hours in the pitchy darkness and the -rain, with nothing to modify the dreariness but Bowers’s monotonous -growlings at the war and the weather; then we began to nod, and -presently found it next to impossible to stay in the saddle; so we gave -up the tedious job, and went back to the camp without waiting for the -relief guard. We rode into camp without interruption or objection from -anybody, and the enemy could have done the same, for there were no -sentries. Everybody was asleep; at midnight there was nobody to send out -another picket, so none was sent. We never tried to establish a watch at -night again, as far as I remember, but we generally kept a picket out in -the daytime. - -In that camp the whole command slept on the corn in the big corn-crib; -and there was usually a general row before morning, for the place was -full of rats, and they would scramble over the boys’ bodies and faces, -annoying and irritating everybody; and now and then they would bite some -one’s toe, and the person who owned the toe would start up and magnify -his English and begin to throw corn in the dark. The ears were half as -heavy as bricks, and when they struck they hurt. The persons struck -would respond, and inside of five minutes every man would be locked in a -death-grip with his neighbor. There was a grievous deal of blood shed in -the corn-crib, but this was all that was spilt while I was in the war. -No, that is not quite true. But for one circumstance it would have been -all. I will come to that now. - -Our scares were frequent. Every few days rumors would come that the -enemy were approaching. In these cases we always fell back on some other -camp of ours; we never staid where we were. But the rumors always turned -out to be false; so at last even we began to grow indifferent to them. -One night a negro was sent to our corn-crib with the same old warning: -the enemy was hovering in our neighborhood. We all said let him hover. -We resolved to stay still and be comfortable. It was a fine warlike -resolution, and no doubt we all felt the stir of it in our veins—for a -moment. We had been having a very jolly time, that was full of -horse-play and school-boy hilarity; but that cooled down now, and -presently the fast-waning fire of forced jokes and forced laughs died -out altogether, and the company became silent. Silent and nervous. And -soon uneasy—worried—apprehensive. We had said we would stay, and we were -committed. We could have been persuaded to go, but there was nobody -brave enough to suggest it. An almost noiseless movement presently began -in the dark, by a general but unvoiced impulse. When the movement was -completed, each man knew that he was not the only person who had crept -to the front wall and had his eye at a crack between the logs. No, we -were all there; all there with our hearts in our throats, and staring -out toward the sugar-troughs where the forest foot-path came through. It -was late, and was a deep woodsy stillness everywhere. There was a veiled -moonlight, which was only just strong enough to enable us to mark the -general shape of objects. Presently a muffled sound caught our ears, and -we recognized it as the hoof-beats of a horse or horses. And right away -a figure appeared in the forest path; it could have been made of smoke, -its mass had so little sharpness of outline. It was a man on horseback; -and it seemed to me that there were others behind him. I got hold of a -gun in the dark, and pushed it through a crack between the logs, hardly -knowing what I was doing, I was so dazed with fright. Somebody said -“Fire!” I pulled the trigger. I seemed to see a hundred flashes and hear -a hundred reports, then I saw the man fall down out of the saddle. My -first feeling was of surprised gratification; my first impulse was an -apprentice-sportsman’s impulse to run and pick up his game. Somebody -said, hardly audibly, “Good—we’ve got him!—wait for the rest.” But the -rest did not come. We waited—listened—still no more came. There was not -a sound, not the whisper of a leaf; just perfect stillness; an uncanny -kind of stillness, which was all the more uncanny on account of the -damp, earthy, late-night smells now rising and pervading it. Then, -wondering, we crept stealthily out, and approached the man. When we got -to him the moon revealed him distinctly. He was lying on his back, with -his arms abroad; his mouth was open and his chest heaving with long -gasps, and his white shirt-front was all splashed with blood. The -thought shot through me that I was a murderer; that I had killed a man—a -man who had never done me any harm. That was the coldest sensation that -ever went through my marrow. I was down by him in a moment, helplessly -stroking his forehead; and I would have given anything then—my own life -freely—to make him again what he had been five minutes before. And all -the boys seemed to be feeling in the same way; they hung over him, full -of pitying interest, and tried all they could to help him, and said all -sorts of regretful things. They had forgotten all about the enemy; they -thought only of this one forlorn unit of the foe. Once my imagination -persuaded me that the dying man gave me a reproachful look out of his -shadowy eyes, and it seemed to me that I could rather he had stabbed me -than done that. He muttered and mumbled like a dreamer in his sleep, -about his wife and his child; and I thought with a new despair, “This -thing that I have done does not end with him; it falls upon _them_ too, -and they never did me any harm, any more than he.” - -In a little while the man was dead. He was killed in war; killed in fair -and legitimate war; killed in battle, as you may say; and yet he was as -sincerely mourned by the opposing force as if he had been their brother. -The boys stood there a half hour sorrowing over him, and recalling the -details of the tragedy, and wondering who he might be, and if he were a -spy, and saying that if it were to do over again they would not hurt him -unless he attacked them first. It soon came out that mine was not the -only shot fired; there were five others,—a division of the guilt which -was a grateful relief to me, since it in some degree lightened and -diminished the burden I was carrying. There were six shots fired at -once; but I was not in my right mind at the time, and my heated -imagination had magnified my one shot into a volley. - -The man was not in uniform, and was not armed. He was a stranger in the -country; that was all we ever found out about him. The thought of him -got to preying upon me every night; I could not get rid of it. I could -not drive it away, the taking of that unoffending life seemed such a -wanton thing. And it seemed an epitome of war; that all war must be just -that—the killing of strangers against whom you feel no personal -animosity; strangers whom, in other circumstances, you would help if you -found them in trouble, and who would help you if you needed it. My -campaign was spoiled. It seemed to me that I was not rightly equipped -for this awful business; that war was intended for men, and I for a -child’s nurse. I resolved to retire from this avocation of sham -soldiership while I could save some remnant of my self-respect. These -morbid thoughts clung to me against reason; for at bottom I did not -believe I had touched that man. The law of probabilities decreed me -guiltless of his blood; for in all my small experience with guns I had -never hit anything I had tried to hit, and I knew I had done my best to -hit him. Yet there was no solace in the thought. Against a diseased -imagination, demonstration goes for nothing. - -The rest of my war experience was of a piece with what I have already -told of it. We kept monotonously falling back upon one camp or another, -and eating up the country. I marvel now at the patience of the farmers -and their families. They ought to have shot us; on the contrary, they -were as hospitably kind and courteous to us as if we had deserved it. In -one of these camps we found Ab Grimes, an Upper Mississippi pilot, who -afterwards became famous as a dare-devil rebel spy, whose career -bristled with desperate adventures. The look and style of his comrades -suggested that they had not come into the war to play, and their deeds -made good the conjecture later. They were fine horsemen and good -revolver-shots; but their favorite arm was the lasso. Each had one at -his pommel, and could snatch a man out of the saddle with it every time, -on a full gallop, at any reasonable distance. - -In another camp the chief was a fierce and profane old blacksmith of -sixty, and he had furnished his twenty recruits with gigantic home-made -bowie-knives, to be swung with the two hands, like the _machetes_ of the -Isthmus. It was a grisly spectacle to see that earnest band practicing -their murderous cuts and slashes under the eye of that remorseless old -fanatic. - -The last camp which we fell back upon was in a hollow near the village -of Florida, where I was born—in Monroe County. Here we were warned, one -day, that a Union colonel was sweeping down on us with a whole regiment -at his heels. This looked decidedly serious. Our boys went apart and -consulted; then we went back and told the other companies present that -the war was a disappointment to us and we were going to disband. They -were getting ready, themselves, to fall back on some place or other, and -were only waiting for General Tom Harris, who was expected to arrive at -any moment; so they tried to persuade us to wait a little while, but the -majority of us said no, we were accustomed to falling back, and didn’t -need any of Tom Harris’s help; we could get along perfectly well without -him—and save time too. So about half of our fifteen, including myself, -mounted and left on the instant; the others yielded to persuasion and -staid—staid through the war. - -An hour later we met General Harris on the road, with two or three -people in his company—his staff, probably, but we could not tell; none -of them were in uniform; uniforms had not come into vogue among us yet. -Harris ordered us back; but we told him there was a Union colonel coming -with a whole regiment in his wake, and it looked as if there was going -to be a disturbance; so we had concluded to go home. He raged a little, -but it was of no use; our minds were made up. We had done our share; had -killed one man, exterminated one army, such as it was; let him go and -kill the rest, and that would end the war. I did not see that brisk -young general again until last year; then he was wearing white hair and -whiskers. - -In time I came to know that Union colonel whose coming frightened me out -of the war and crippled the Southern cause to that extent—General Grant. -I came within a few hours of seeing him when he was as unknown as I was -myself; at a time when anybody could have said, “Grant?—Ulysses S. -Grant? I do not remember hearing the name before.” It seems difficult to -realize that there was once a time when such a remark could be -rationally made; but there _was_, and I was within a few miles of the -place and the occasion too, though proceeding in the other direction. - -The thoughtful will not throw this war-paper of mine lightly aside as -being valueless. It has this value: it is a not unfair picture of what -went on in many and many a militia camp in the first months of the -rebellion, when the green recruits were without discipline, without the -steadying and heartening influence of trained leaders; when all their -circumstances were new and strange, and charged with exaggerated -terrors, and before the invaluable experience of actual collision in the -field had turned them from rabbits into soldiers. If this side of the -picture of that early day has not before been put into history, then -history has been to that degree incomplete, for it had and has its -rightful place there. There was more Bull Run material scattered through -the early camps of this country than exhibited itself at Bull Run. And -yet it learned its trade presently, and helped to fight the great -battles later. I could have become a soldier myself, if I had waited. I -had got part of it learned; I knew more about retreating than the man -that invented retreating. - - - - - THE INVALID’S STORY. - - -I seem sixty and married, but these effects are due to my condition and -sufferings, for I am a bachelor, and only forty-one. It will be hard for -you to believe that I, who am now but a shadow, was a hale, hearty man -two short years ago,—a man of iron, a very athlete!—yet such is the -simple truth. But stranger still than this fact is the way in which I -lost my health. I lost it through helping to take care of a box of guns -on a two-hundred-mile railway journey one winter’s night. It is the -actual truth, and I will tell you about it. - -I belong in Cleveland, Ohio. One winter’s night, two years ago, I -reached home just after dark, in a driving snow-storm, and the first -thing I heard when I entered the house was that my dearest boyhood -friend and schoolmate, John B. Hackett, had died the day before, and -that his last utterance had been a desire that I would take his remains -home to his poor old father and mother in Wisconsin. I was greatly -shocked and grieved, but there was no time to waste in emotions; I must -start at once. I took the card, marked “Deacon Levi Hackett, Bethlehem, -Wisconsin,” and hurried off through the whistling storm to the railway -station. Arrived there I found the long white-pine box which had been -described to me; I fastened the card to it with some tacks, saw it put -safely aboard the express car, and then ran into the eating-room to -provide myself with a sandwich and some cigars. When I returned, -presently, there was my coffin-box _back again_, apparently, and a young -fellow examining around it, with a card in his hand, and some tacks and -a hammer! I was astonished and puzzled. He began to nail on his card, -and I rushed out to the express car, in a good deal of a state of mind, -to ask for an explanation. But no—there was my box, all right, in the -express car; it hadn’t been disturbed. [The fact is that without my -suspecting it a prodigious mistake had been made. I was carrying off a -box of _guns_ which that young fellow had come to the station to ship to -a rifle company in Peoria, Illinois, and _he_ had got my corpse!] Just -then the conductor sung out “All aboard,” and I jumped into the express -car and got a comfortable seat on a bale of buckets. The expressman was -there, hard at work,—a plain man of fifty, with a simple, honest, -good-natured face, and a breezy, practical heartiness in his general -style. As the train moved off a stranger skipped into the car and set a -package of peculiarly mature and capable Limburger cheese on one end of -my coffin-box—I mean my box of guns. That is to say, I know _now_ that -it was Limburger cheese, but at that time I never had heard of the -article in my life, and of course was wholly ignorant of its character. -Well, we sped through the wild night, the bitter storm raged on, a -cheerless misery stole over me, my heart went down, down, down! The old -expressman made a brisk remark or two about the tempest and the arctic -weather, slammed his sliding doors to, and bolted them, closed his -window down tight, and then went bustling around, here and there and -yonder, setting things to rights, and all the time contentedly humming -“Sweet By and By,” in a low tone, and flatting a good deal. Presently I -began to detect a most evil and searching odor stealing about on the -frozen air. This depressed my spirits still more, because of course I -attributed it to my poor departed friend. There was something infinitely -saddening about his calling himself to my remembrance in this dumb -pathetic way, so it was hard to keep the tears back. Moreover, it -distressed me on account of the old expressman, who, I was afraid, might -notice it. However, he went humming tranquilly on, and gave no sign; and -for this I was grateful. Grateful, yes, but still uneasy; and soon I -began to feel more and more uneasy every minute, for every minute that -went by that odor thickened up the more, and got to be more and more -gamy and hard to stand. Presently, having got things arranged to his -satisfaction, the expressman got some wood and made up a tremendous fire -in his stove. This distressed me more than I can tell, for I could not -but feel that it was a mistake. I was sure that the effect would be -deleterious upon my poor departed friend. Thompson—the expressman’s name -was Thompson, as I found out in the course of the night—now went poking -around his car, stopping up whatever stray cracks he could find, -remarking that it didn’t make any difference what kind of a night it was -outside, he calculated to make _us_ comfortable, anyway. I said nothing, -but I believed he was not choosing the right way. Meantime he was -humming to himself just as before; and meantime, too, the stove was -getting hotter and hotter, and the place closer and closer. I felt -myself growing pale and qualmish, but grieved in silence and said -nothing. Soon I noticed that the “Sweet By and By” was gradually fading -out; next it ceased altogether, and there was an ominous stillness. -After a few moments Thompson said,— - -“Pfew! I reckon it ain’t no cinnamon ’t I’ve loaded up thish-yer stove -with!” - -He gasped once or twice, then moved toward the cof—gun-box, stood over -that Limburger cheese part of a moment, then came back and sat down near -me, looking a good deal impressed. After a contemplative pause, he said, -indicating the box with a gesture,— - -“Friend of yourn?” - -“Yes,” I said with a sigh. - -“He’s pretty ripe, _ain’t_ he!” - -Nothing further was said for perhaps a couple of minutes, each being -busy with his own thoughts; then Thompson said, in a low, awed voice,— - -“Sometimes it’s uncertain whether they’re really gone or not,—_seem_ -gone, you know—body warm, joints limber—and so, although you _think_ -they’re gone, you don’t really know. I’ve had cases in my car. It’s -perfectly awful, becuz _you_ don’t know what minute they’ll rise up and -look at you!” Then, after a pause, and slightly lifting his elbow toward -the box,— “But _he_ ain’t in no trance! No, sir, I go bail for _him_!” - -We sat some time, in meditative silence, listening to the wind and the -roar of the train; then Thompson said, with a good deal of feeling,— - -“Well-a-well, we’ve all got to go, they ain’t no getting around it. Man -that is born of woman is of few days and far between, as Scriptur’ says. -Yes, you look at it any way you want to, it’s awful solemn and cur’us: -they ain’t _nobody_ can get around it; _all’s_ got to go—just -_everybody_, as you may say. One day you’re hearty and strong”—here he -scrambled to his feet and broke a pane and stretched his nose out at it -a moment or two, then sat down again while I struggled up and thrust my -nose out at the same place, and this we kept on doing every now and -then—“and next day he’s cut down like the grass, and the places which -knowed him then knows him no more forever, as Scriptur’ says. -Yes’ndeedy, it’s awful solemn and cur’us; but we’ve all got to go, one -time or another; they ain’t no getting around it.” - -There was another long pause; then,— - -“What did he die of?” - -I said I didn’t know. - -“How long has he ben dead?” - -It seemed judicious to enlarge the facts to fit the probabilities; so I -said,— - -“Two or three days.” - -But it did no good; for Thompson received it with an injured look which -plainly said, “Two or three _years_, you mean.” Then he went right -along, placidly ignoring my statement, and gave his views at -considerable length upon the unwisdom of putting off burials too long. -Then he lounged off toward the box, stood a moment, then came back on a -sharp trot and visited the broken pane, observing,— - -“’Twould ’a’ ben a dum sight better, all around, if they’d started him -along last summer.” - -Thompson sat down and buried his face in his red silk handkerchief, and -began to slowly sway and rock his body like one who is doing his best to -endure the almost unendurable. By this time the fragrance—if you may -call it fragrance—was just about suffocating, as near as you can come at -it. Thompson’s face was turning gray; I knew mine hadn’t any color left -in it. By and by Thompson rested his forehead in his left hand, with his -elbow on his knee, and sort of waved his red handkerchief towards the -box with his other hand, and said,— - -“I’ve carried a many a one of ’em,—some of ’em considerable overdue, -too,—but, lordy, he just lays over ’em all!—and does it _easy_. Cap., -they was heliotrope to _him_!” - -This recognition of my poor friend gratified me, in spite of the sad -circumstances, because it had so much the sound of a compliment. - -Pretty soon it was plain that something had got to be done. I suggested -cigars. Thompson thought it was a good idea. He said,— - -“Likely it’ll modify him some.” - -We puffed gingerly along for a while, and tried hard to imagine that -things were improved. But it wasn’t any use. Before very long, and -without any consultation, both cigars were quietly dropped from our -nerveless fingers at the same moment. Thompson said, with a sigh,— - -“No, Cap., it don’t modify him worth a cent. Fact is, it makes him -worse, becuz it appears to stir up his ambition. What do you reckon we -better do, now?” - -I was not able to suggest anything; indeed, I had to be swallowing and -swallowing, all the time, and did not like to trust myself to speak. -Thompson fell to maundering, in a desultory and low-spirited way, about -the miserable experiences of this night; and he got to referring to my -poor friend by various titles,—sometimes military ones, sometimes civil -ones; and I noticed that as fast as my poor friend’s effectiveness grew, -Thompson promoted him accordingly,—gave him a bigger title. Finally he -said,— - -“I’ve got an idea. Suppos’n we buckle down to it and give the Colonel a -bit of a shove towards t’other end of the car?—about ten foot, say. He -wouldn’t have so much influence, then, don’t you reckon?” - -I said it was a good scheme. So we took in a good fresh breath at the -broken pane, calculating to hold it till we got through; then we went -there and bent over that deadly cheese and took a grip on the box. -Thompson nodded “All ready,” and then we threw ourselves forward with -all our might; but Thompson slipped, and slumped down with his nose on -the cheese, and his breath got loose. He gagged and gasped, and -floundered up and made a break for the door, pawing the air and saying, -hoarsely, “Don’t hender me!—gimme the road! I’m a-dying; gimme the -road!” Out on the cold platform I sat down and held his head a while, -and he revived. Presently he said,— - -“Do you reckon we started the Gen’rul any?” - -I said no; we hadn’t budged him. - -“Well, then, _that_ idea’s up the flume. We got to think up something -else. He’s suited wher’ he is, I reckon; and if that’s the way he feels -about it, and has made up his mind that he don’t wish to be disturbed, -you bet he’s a-going to have his own way in the business. Yes, better -leave him right wher’ he is, long as he wants it so; becuz he holds all -the trumps, don’t you know, and so it stands to reason that the man that -lays out to alter his plans for him is going to get left.” - -But we couldn’t stay out there in that mad storm; we should have frozen -to death. So we went in again and shut the door, and began to suffer -once more and take turns at the break in the window. By and by, as we -were starting away from a station where we had stopped a moment Thompson -pranced in cheerily, and exclaimed,— - -“We’re all right, now! I reckon we’ve got the Commodore this time. I -judge I’ve got the stuff here that’ll take the tuck out of him.” - -It was carbolic acid. He had a carboy of it. He sprinkled it all around -everywhere; in fact he drenched everything with it, rifle-box, cheese -and all. Then we sat down, feeling pretty hopeful. But it wasn’t for -long. You see the two perfumes began to mix, and then—well, pretty soon -we made a break for the door; and out there Thompson swabbed his face -with his bandanna and said in a kind of disheartened way,— - -“It ain’t no use. We can’t buck agin _him_. He just utilizes everything -we put up to modify him with, and gives it his own flavor and plays it -back on us. Why, Cap., don’t you know, it’s as much as a hundred times -worse in there now than it was when he first got a-going. I never _did_ -see one of ’em warm up to his work so, and take such a dumnation -interest in it. No, sir, I never did, as long as I’ve ben on the road; -and I’ve carried a many a one of ’em, as I was telling you.” - -We went in again, after we were frozen pretty stiff; but my, we couldn’t -_stay_ in, now. So we just waltzed back and forth, freezing, and -thawing, and stifling, by turns. In about an hour we stopped at another -station; and as we left it Thompson came in with a bag, and said,— - -“Cap., I’m a-going to chance him once more,—just this once; and if we -don’t fetch him this time, the thing for us to do, is to just throw up -the sponge and withdraw from the canvass. That’s the way _I_ put it up.” - -He had brought a lot of chicken feathers, and dried apples, and leaf -tobacco, and rags, and old shoes, and sulphur, and assafœtida, and one -thing or another; and he piled them on a breadth of sheet iron in the -middle of the floor, and set fire to them. When they got well started, I -couldn’t see, myself, how even the corpse could stand it. All that went -before was just simply poetry to that smell,—but mind you, the original -smell stood up out of it just as sublime as ever,—fact is, these other -smells just seemed to give it a better hold; and my, how rich it was! I -didn’t make these reflections there—there wasn’t time—made them on the -platform. And breaking for the platform, Thompson got suffocated and -fell; and before I got him dragged out, which I did by the collar, I was -mighty near gone myself. When we revived, Thompson said dejectedly,— - -“We got to stay out here, Cap. We got to do it. They ain’t no other way. -The Governor wants to travel alone, and he’s fixed so he can outvote -us.” - -And presently he added,— - -“And don’t you know, we’re _pisoned_. It’s _our_ last trip, you can make -up your mind to it. Typhoid fever is what’s going to come of this. I -feel it a-coming right now. Yes, sir, we’re elected, just as sure as -you’re born.” - -We were taken from the platform an hour later, frozen and insensible, at -the next station, and I went straight off into a virulent fever, and -never knew anything again for three weeks. I found out, then, that I had -spent that awful night with a harmless box of rifles and a lot of -innocent cheese; but the news was too late to save _me_; imagination had -done its work, and my health was permanently shattered; neither Bermuda -nor any other land can ever bring it back to me. This is my last trip; I -am on my way home to die. - - - - - LUCK.[2] - - -It was at a banquet in London in honor of one of the two or three -conspicuously illustrious English military names of this generation. For -reasons which will presently appear, I will withhold his real name and -titles, and call him Lieutenant-General Lord Arthur Scoresby, Y.C., -K.C.B., etc., etc., etc. What a fascination there is in a renowned name! -There sat the man, in actual flesh, whom I had heard of so many -thousands of times since that day, thirty years before, when his name -shot suddenly to the zenith from a Crimean battle-field, to remain -forever celebrated. It was food and drink to me to look, and look, and -look at that demigod; scanning, searching, noting: the quietness, the -reserve, the noble gravity of his countenance; the simple honesty that -expressed itself all over him; the sweet unconsciousness of his -greatness—unconsciousness of the hundreds of admiring eyes fastened upon -him, unconsciousness of the deep, loving, sincere worship welling out of -the breasts of those people and flowing toward him. - -Footnote 2: - - [NOTE.—This is not a fancy sketch. I got it from a clergyman who was - an instructor at Woolwich forty years ago, and who vouched for its - truth.—M. T.] - -The clergyman at my left was an old acquaintance of mine—clergyman now, -but had spent the first half of his life in the camp and field, and as -an instructor in the military school at Woolwich. Just at the moment I -have been talking about, a veiled and singular light glimmered in his -eyes, and he leaned down and muttered confidentially to me—indicating -the hero of the banquet with a gesture,— - -“Privately—he’s an absolute fool.” - -This verdict was a great surprise to me. If its subject had been -Napoleon, or Socrates, or Solomon, my astonishment could not have been -greater. Two things I was well aware of: that the Reverend was a man of -strict veracity, and that his judgment of men was good. Therefore I -knew, beyond doubt or question, that the world was mistaken about this -hero: he _was_ a fool. So I meant to find out, at a convenient moment, -how the Reverend, all solitary and alone, had discovered the secret. - - -Some days later the opportunity came, and this is what the Reverend told -me: - -About forty years ago I was an instructor in the military academy at -Woolwich. I was present in one of the sections when young Scoresby -underwent his preliminary examination. I was touched to the quick with -pity; for the rest of the class answered up brightly and handsomely, -while he—why, dear me, he didn’t know _anything_, so to speak. He was -evidently good, and sweet, and lovable, and guileless; and so it was -exceedingly painful to see him stand there, as serene as a graven image, -and deliver himself of answers which were veritably miraculous for -stupidity and ignorance. All the compassion in me was aroused in his -behalf. I said to myself, when he comes to be examined again, he will be -flung over, of course; so it will be simply a harmless act of charity to -ease his fall as much as I can. I took him aside, and found that he knew -a little of Cæsar’s history; and as he didn’t know anything else, I went -to work and drilled him like a galley-slave on a certain line of stock -questions concerning Cæsar which I knew would be used. If you’ll believe -me, he went through with flying colors on examination day! He went -through on that purely superficial “cram,” and got compliments too, -while others, who knew a thousand times more than he, got plucked. By -some strangely lucky accident—an accident not likely to happen twice in -a century—he was asked no question outside of the narrow limits of his -drill. - -It was stupefying. Well, all through his course I stood by him, with -something of the sentiment which a mother feels for a crippled child; -and he always saved himself—just by miracle, apparently. - -Now of course the thing that would expose him and kill him at last was -mathematics. I resolved to make his death as easy as I could; so I -drilled him and crammed him, and crammed him and drilled him, just on -the line of questions which the examiners would be most likely to use, -and then launched him on his fate. Well, sir, try to conceive of the -result: to my consternation, he took the first prize! And with it he got -a perfect ovation in the way of compliments. - -Sleep? There was no more sleep for me for a week. My conscience tortured -me day and night. What I had done I had done purely through charity, and -only to ease the poor youth’s fall—I never had dreamed of any such -preposterous result as the thing that had happened. I felt as guilty and -miserable as the creator of Frankenstein. Here was a woodenhead whom I -had put in the way of glittering promotions and prodigious -responsibilities, and but one thing could happen: he and his -responsibilities would all go to ruin together at the first opportunity. - -The Crimean war had just broken out. Of course there had to be a war, I -said to myself: we couldn’t have peace and give this donkey a chance to -die before he is found out. I waited for the earthquake. It came. And it -made me reel when it did come. He was actually gazetted to a captaincy -in a marching regiment! Better men grow old and gray in the service -before they climb to a sublimity like that. And who could ever have -foreseen that they would go and put such a load of responsibility on -such green and inadequate shoulders? I could just barely have stood it -if they had made him a cornet; but a captain—think of it! I thought my -hair would turn white. - -Consider what I did—I who so loved repose and inaction. I said to -myself, I am responsible to the country for this, and I must go along -with him and protect the country against him as far as I can. So I took -my poor little capital that I had saved up through years of work and -grinding economy, and went with a sigh and bought a cornetcy in his -regiment, and away we went to the field. - -And there—oh dear, it was awful. Blunders?—why, he never did anything -_but_ blunder. But, you see, nobody was in the fellow’s secret—everybody -had him focussed wrong, and necessarily misinterpreted his performance -every time—consequently they took his idiotic blunders for inspirations -of genius; they did, honestly! His mildest blunders were enough to make -a man in his right mind cry; and they did make me cry—and rage and rave -too, privately. And the thing that kept me always in a sweat of -apprehension was the fact that every fresh blunder he made increased the -lustre of his reputation! I kept saying to myself, he’ll get so high, -that when discovery does finally come, it will be like the sun falling -out of the sky. - -He went right along up, from grade to grade, over the dead bodies of his -superiors, until at last, in the hottest moment of the battle of **** -down went our colonel, and my heart jumped into my mouth, for Scoresby -was next in rank! Now for it, said I; we’ll all land in Sheol in ten -minutes, sure. - -The battle was awfully hot; the allies were steadily giving way all over -the field. Our regiment occupied a position that was vital; a blunder -now must be destruction. At this crucial moment, what does this immortal -fool do but detach the regiment from its place and order a charge over a -neighboring hill where there wasn’t a suggestion of an enemy! “There you -go!” I said to myself; “this _is_ the end at last.” - -And away we did go, and were over the shoulder of the hill before the -insane movement could be discovered and stopped. And what did we find? -An entire and unsuspected Russian army in reserve! And what happened? We -were eaten up? That is necessarily what would have happened in -ninety-nine cases out of a hundred. But no; those Russians argued that -no single regiment would come browsing around there at such a time. It -must be the entire English army, and that the sly Russian game was -detected and blocked; so they turned tail, and away they went, -pell-mell, over the hill and down into the field, in wild confusion, and -we after them; they themselves broke the solid Russian centre in the -field, and tore through, and in no time there was the most tremendous -rout you ever saw, and the defeat of the allies was turned into a -sweeping and splendid victory! Marshal Canrobert looked on, dizzy with -astonishment, admiration, and delight; and sent right off for Scoresby, -and hugged him, and decorated him on the field, in presence of all the -armies! - -And what was Scoresby’s blunder that time? Merely the mistaking his -right hand for his left—that was all. An order had come to him to fall -back and support our right; and instead, he fell _forward_ and went over -the hill to the left. But the name he won that day as a marvellous -military genius filled the world with his glory, and that glory will -never fade while history books last. - -He is just as good and sweet and lovable and unpretending as a man can -be, but he doesn’t know enough to come in when it rains. Now that is -absolutely true. He is the supremest ass in the universe; and until half -an hour ago nobody knew it but himself and me. He has been pursued, day -by day and year by year, by a most phenomenal and astonishing luckiness. -He has been a shining soldier in all our wars for a generation; he has -littered his whole military life with blunders, and yet has never -committed one that didn’t make him a knight or a baronet or a lord or -something. Look at his breast; why, he is just clothed in domestic and -foreign decorations. Well, sir, every one of them is the record of some -shouting stupidity or other; and taken together, they are proof that the -very best thing in all this world that can befall a man is to be born -lucky. I say again, as I said at the banquet, Scoresby’s an absolute -fool. - - - - - THE CAPTAIN’S STORY. - - -There was a good deal of pleasant gossip about old Captain “Hurricane” -Jones, of the Pacific Ocean,—peace to his ashes! Two or three of us -present had known him; I, particularly well, for I had made four -sea-voyages with him. He was a very remarkable man. He was born on a -ship; he picked up what little education he had among his shipmates; he -began life in the forecastle, and climbed grade by grade to the -captaincy. More than fifty years of his sixty-five were spent at sea. He -had sailed all oceans, seen all lands, and borrowed a tint from all -climates. When a man has been fifty years at sea, he necessarily knows -nothing of men, nothing of the world but its surface, nothing of the -world’s thought, nothing of the world’s learning but its A B C, and that -blurred and distorted by the unfocussed lenses of an untrained mind. -Such a man is only a gray and bearded child. That is what old Hurricane -Jones was,—simply an innocent, lovable old infant. When his spirit was -in repose he was as sweet and gentle as a girl; when his wrath was up he -was a hurricane that made his nickname seem tamely descriptive. He was -formidable in a fight, for he was of powerful build and dauntless -courage. He was frescoed from head to heel with pictures and mottoes -tattooed in red and blue India ink. I was with him one voyage when he -got his last vacant space tattooed; this vacant space was around his -left ankle. During three days he stumped about the ship with his ankle -bare and swollen, and this legend gleaming red and angry out from a -clouding of India ink: “Virtue is its own R’d.” (There was a lack of -room.) He was deeply and sincerely pious, and swore like a fish-woman. -He considered swearing blameless, because sailors would not understand -an order unillumined by it. He was a profound Biblical scholar,—that is, -he thought he was. He believed everything in the Bible, but he had his -own methods of arriving at his beliefs. He was of the “advanced” school -of thinkers, and applied natural laws to the interpretation of all -miracles, somewhat on the plan of the people who make the six days of -creation six geological epochs, and so forth. Without being aware of it, -he was a rather severe satire on modern scientific religionists. Such a -man as I have been describing is rabidly fond of disquisition and -argument; one knows that without being told it. - -One trip the captain had a clergyman on board, but did not know he was a -clergyman, since the passenger list did not betray the fact. He took a -great liking to this Rev. Mr. Peters, and talked with him a great deal: -told him yarns, gave him toothsome scraps of personal history, and wove -a glittering streak of profanity through his garrulous fabric that was -refreshing to a spirit weary of the dull neutralities of undecorated -speech. One day the captain said, “Peters, do you ever read the Bible?” - -“Well—yes.” - -“I judge it ain’t often, by the way you say it. Now, you tackle it in -dead earnest once, and you’ll find it’ll pay. Don’t you get discouraged, -but hang right on. First, you won’t understand it; but by and by things -will begin to clear up, and then you wouldn’t lay it down to eat.” - -“Yes, I have heard that said.” - -“And it’s so, too. There ain’t a book that begins with it. It lays over -’em all, Peters. There’s some pretty tough things in it,—there ain’t any -getting around that,—but you stick to them and think them out, and when -once you get on the inside everything’s plain as day.” - -“The miracles, too, captain?” - -“Yes, sir! the miracles, too. Every one of them. Now, there’s that -business with the prophets of Baal; like enough that stumped you?” - -“Well, I don’t know but—” - -“Own up, now; it stumped you. Well, I don’t wonder. You hadn’t had any -experience in ravelling such things out, and naturally it was too many -for you. Would you like to have me explain that thing to you, and show -you how to get at the meat of these matters?” - -“Indeed, I would, captain, if you don’t mind.” - -Then the captain proceeded as follows: “I’ll do it with pleasure. First, -you see, I read and read, and thought and thought, till I got to -understand what sort of people they were in the old Bible times, and -then after that it was clear and easy. Now, this was the way I put it -up, concerning Isaac[3] and the prophets of Baal. There was some mighty -sharp men amongst the public characters of that old ancient day, and -Isaac was one of them. Isaac had his failings,—plenty of them, too; it -ain’t for me to apologize for Isaac; he played on the prophets of Baal, -and like enough he was justifiable, considering the odds that was -against him. No, all I say is, ’t wa’n’t any miracle, and that I’ll show -you so’s’t you can see it yourself. - -Footnote 3: - - This is the captain’s own mistake. - -“Well, times had been getting rougher and rougher for prophets,—that is, -prophets of Isaac’s denomination. There were four hundred and fifty -prophets of Baal in the community, and only one Presbyterian; that is, -if Isaac _was_ a Presbyterian, which I reckon he was, but it don’t say. -Naturally, the prophets of Baal took all the trade. Isaac was pretty -low-spirited, I reckon, but he was a good deal of a man, and no doubt he -went a-prophesying around, letting on to be doing a land-office -business, but ’t wa’n’t any use; he couldn’t run any opposition to -amount to anything. By and by things got desperate with him; he sets his -head to work and thinks it all out, and then what does he do? Why, he -begins to throw out hints that the other parties are this and that and -t’other,—nothing very definite, may be, but just kind of undermining -their reputation in a quiet way. This made talk, of course, and finally -got to the king. The king asked Isaac what he meant by his talk. Says -Isaac, ‘Oh, nothing particular; only, can they pray down fire from -heaven on an altar? It ain’t much, maybe, your majesty, only can they -_do_ it? That’s the idea.’ So the king was a good deal disturbed, and he -went to the prophets of Baal, and they said, pretty airy, that if he had -an altar ready, _they_ were ready; and they intimated he better get it -insured, too. - -“So next morning all the children of Israel and their parents and the -other people gathered themselves together. Well, here was that great -crowd of prophets of Baal packed together on one side, and Isaac walking -up and down all alone on the other, putting up his job. When time was -called, Isaac let on to be comfortable and indifferent; told the other -team to take the first innings. So they went at it, the whole four -hundred and fifty, praying around the altar, very hopeful, and doing -their level best. They prayed an hour,—two hours,—three hours,—and so -on, plumb till noon. It wa’n’t any use; they had n’t took a trick. Of -course they felt kind of ashamed before all those people, and well they -might. Now, what would a magnanimous man do? Keep still, wouldn’t he? Of -course. What did Isaac do? He gravelled the prophets of Baal every way -he could think of. Says he, ‘You don’t speak up loud enough; your god’s -asleep, like enough, or may be he’s taking a walk; you want to holler, -you know,’—or words to that effect; I don’t recollect the exact -language. Mind, I don’t apologize for Isaac; he had his faults. - -“Well, the prophets of Baal prayed along the best they knew how all the -afternoon, and never raised a spark. At last, about sundown, they were -all tuckered out, and they owned up and quit. - -“What does Isaac do, now? He steps up and says to some friends of his, -there, ‘Pour four barrels of water on the altar!’ Everybody was -astonished; for the other side had prayed at it dry, you know, and got -whitewashed. They poured it on. Says he, ‘Heave on four more barrels.’ -Then he says, ‘Heave on four more.’ Twelve barrels, you see, altogether. -The water ran all over the altar, and all down the sides, and filled up -a trench around it that would hold a couple of hogsheads,—‘measures,’ it -says; I reckon it means about a hogshead. Some of the people were going -to put on their things and go, for they allowed he was crazy. They -didn’t know Isaac. Isaac knelt down and began to pray: he strung along, -and strung along, about the heathen in distant lands, and about the -sister churches, and about the state and the country at large, and about -those that’s in authority in the government, and all the usual -programme, you know, till everybody had got tired and gone to thinking -about something else, and then, all of a sudden, when nobody was -noticing, he outs with a match and rakes it on the under side of his -leg, and pff! up the whole thing blazes like a house afire! Twelve -barrels of _water_? _Petroleum_, sir, PETROLEUM! that’s what it was!” - -“Petroleum, captain?” - -“Yes, sir; the country was full of it. Isaac knew all about that. You -read the Bible. Don’t you worry about the tough places. They ain’t tough -when you come to think them out and throw light on them. There ain’t a -thing in the Bible but what is true; all you want is to go prayerfully -to work and cipher out how ’t was done.” - - - - - A CURIOUS EXPERIENCE. - - -This is the story which the Major told me, as nearly as I can recall -it:— - -In the winter of 1862–3, I was commandant of Fort Trumbull, at New -London, Conn. Maybe our life there was not so brisk as life at “the -front”; still it was brisk enough, in its way—one’s brains didn’t cake -together there for lack of something to keep them stirring. For one -thing, all the Northern atmosphere at that time was thick with -mysterious rumors—rumors to the effect that rebel spies were flitting -everywhere, and getting ready to blow up our Northern forts, burn our -hotels, send infected clothing into our towns, and all that sort of -thing. You remember it. All this had a tendency to keep us awake, and -knock the traditional dulness out of garrison life. Besides, ours was a -recruiting station—which is the same as saying we hadn’t any time to -waste in dozing, or dreaming, or fooling around. Why, with all our -watchfulness, fifty per cent. of a day’s recruits would leak out of our -hands and give us the slip the same night. The bounties were so -prodigious that a recruit could pay a sentinel three or four hundred -dollars to let him escape, and still have enough of his bounty-money -left to constitute a fortune for a poor man. Yes, as I said before, our -life was not drowsy. - -Well, one day I was in my quarters alone, doing some writing, when a -pale and ragged lad of fourteen or fifteen entered, made a neat bow, and -said,— - -“I believe recruits are received here?” - -“Yes.” - -“Will you please enlist me, sir?” - -“Dear me, no! You are too young, my boy, and too small.” - -A disappointed look came into his face, and quickly deepened into an -expression of despondency. He turned slowly away, as if to go; -hesitated, then faced me again, and said, in a tone which went to my -heart,— - -“I have no home, and not a friend in the world. If you _could_ only -enlist me!” - -But of course the thing was out of the question, and I said so as gently -as I could. Then I told him to sit down by the stove and warm himself, -and added,— - -“You shall have something to eat, presently. You are hungry?” - -He did not answer; he did not need to; the gratitude in his big soft -eyes was more eloquent than any words could have been. He sat down by -the stove, and I went on writing. Occasionally I took a furtive glance -at him. I noticed that his clothes and shoes, although soiled and -damaged, were of good style and material. This fact was suggestive. To -it I added the facts that his voice was low and musical; his eyes deep -and melancholy; his carriage and address gentlemanly; evidently the poor -chap was in trouble. As a result, I was interested. - -However, I became absorbed in my work, by and by, and forgot all about -the boy. I don’t know how long this lasted; but, at length, I happened -to look up. The boy’s back was toward me, but his face was turned in -such a way that I could see one of his cheeks—and down that cheek a rill -of noiseless tears was flowing. - -“God bless my soul!” I said to myself; “I forgot the poor rat was -starving.” Then I made amends for my brutality by saying to him, “Come -along, my lad; you shall dine with _me_; I am alone to-day.” - -He gave me another of those grateful looks, and a happy light broke in -his face. At the table he stood with his hand on his chair-back until I -was seated, then seated himself. I took up my knife and fork and—well, I -simply held them, and kept still; for the boy had inclined his head and -was saying a silent grace. A thousand hallowed memories of home and my -childhood poured in upon me, and I sighed to think how far I had drifted -from religion and its balm for hurt minds, its comfort and solace and -support. - -As our meal progressed, I observed that young Wicklow—Robert Wicklow was -his full name—knew what to do with his napkin; and—well, in a word, I -observed that he was a boy of good breeding; never mind the details. He -had a simple frankness, too, which won upon me. We talked mainly about -himself, and I had no difficulty in getting his history out of him. When -he spoke of his having been born and reared in Louisiana, I warmed to -him decidedly, for I had spent some time down there. I knew all the -“coast” region of the Mississippi, and loved it, and had not been long -enough away from it for my interest in it to begin to pale. The very -names that fell from his lips sounded good to me,—so good that I steered -the talk in directions that would bring them out. Baton Rouge, -Plaquemine, Donaldsonville, Sixty-mile Point, Bonnet-Carre, the -Stock-Landing, Carrollton, the Steamship Landing, the Steamboat Landing, -New Orleans, Tchoupitoulas Street, the Esplanade, the Rue des Bons -Enfants, the St. Charles Hotel, the Tivoli Circle, the Shell Road, Lake -Pontchartrain; and it was particularly delightful to me to hear once -more of the “R. E. Lee,” the “Natchez,” the “Eclipse,” the “General -Quitman,” the “Duncan F. Kenner,” and other old familiar steamboats. It -was almost as good as being back there, these names so vividly -reproduced in my mind the look of the things they stood for. Briefly, -this was little Wicklow’s history:— - -When the war broke out, he and his invalid aunt and his father were -living near Baton Rouge, on a great and rich plantation which had been -in the family for fifty years. The father was a Union man. He was -persecuted in all sorts of ways, but clung to his principles. At last, -one night, masked men burned his mansion down, and the family had to fly -for their lives. They were hunted from place to place, and learned all -there was to know about poverty, hunger, and distress. The invalid aunt -found relief at last: misery and exposure killed her; she died in an -open field, like a tramp, the rain beating upon her and the thunder -booming overhead. Not long afterward, the father was captured by an -armed band; and while the son begged and pleaded, the victim was strung -up before his face. [At this point a baleful light shone in the youth’s -eyes, and he said, with the manner of one who talks to himself: “If I -cannot be enlisted, no matter—I shall find a way—I shall find a way.”] -As soon as the father was pronounced dead, the son was told that if he -was not out of that region within twenty-four hours, it would go hard -with him. That night he crept to the riverside and hid himself near a -plantation landing. By and by the “Duncan F. Kenner” stopped there, and -he swam out and concealed himself in the yawl that was dragging at her -stern. Before daylight the boat reached the Stock-Landing, and he -slipped ashore. He walked the three miles which lay between that point -and the house of an uncle of his in Good-Children Street, in New -Orleans, and then his troubles were over for the time being. But this -uncle was a Union man, too, and before very long he concluded that he -had better leave the South. So he and young Wicklow slipped out of the -country on board a sailing vessel, and in due time reached New York. -They put up at the Astor House. Young Wicklow had a good time of it for -a while, strolling up and down Broadway, and observing the strange -Northern sights; but in the end a change came,—and not for the better. -The uncle had been cheerful at first, but now he began to look troubled -and despondent; moreover, he became moody and irritable; talked of money -giving out, and no way to get more,—“not enough left for one, let alone -two.” Then, one morning, he was missing—did not come to breakfast. The -boy inquired at the office, and was told that the uncle had paid his -bill the night before and gone away—to Boston, the clerk believed, but -was not certain. - -The lad was alone and friendless. He did not know what to do, but -concluded he had better try to follow and find his uncle. He went down -to the steamboat landing; learned that the trifle of money in his pocket -would not carry him to Boston; however, it would carry him to New -London; so he took passage for that port, resolving to trust to -Providence to furnish him means to travel the rest of the way. He had -now been wandering about the streets of New London three days and -nights, getting a bite and a nap here and there for charity’s sake. But -he had given up at last; courage and hope were both gone. If he could -enlist, nobody could be more thankful; if he could not get in as a -soldier, couldn’t he be a drummer-boy? Ah, he would work _so_ hard to -please, and would be so grateful! - -Well, there’s the history of young Wicklow, just as he told it to me, -barring details. I said,— - -“My boy, you are among friends, now,—don’t you be troubled any more.” -How his eyes glistened! I called in Sergeant John Rayburn,—he was from -Hartford; lives in Hartford yet; maybe you know him,—and said, “Rayburn, -quarter this boy with the musicians. I am going to enroll him as a -drummer-boy, and I want you to look after him and see that he is well -treated.” - -Well, of course, intercourse between the commandant of the post and the -drummer-boy came to an end, now; but the poor little friendless chap lay -heavy on my heart, just the same. I kept on the lookout, hoping to see -him brighten up and begin to be cheery and gay; but no, the days went -by, and there was no change. He associated with nobody; he was always -absent-minded, always thinking; his face was always sad. One morning -Rayburn asked leave to speak to me privately. Said he,— - -“I hope I don’t offend, sir; but the truth is, the musicians are in such -a sweat it seems as if somebody’s _got_ to speak.” - -“Why, what is the trouble?” - -“It’s the Wicklow boy, sir. The musicians are down on him to an extent -you can’t imagine.” - -“Well, go on, go on. What has he been doing?” - -“Prayin’, sir.” - -“Praying!” - -“Yes, sir; the musicians haven’t any peace of their life for that boy’s -prayin’. First thing in the morning he’s at it; noons he’s at it; and -nights—well, _nights_ he just lays into ’em like all possessed! Sleep? -Bless you, they _can’t_ sleep: he’s got the floor, as the sayin’ is, and -then when he once gets his supplication-mill a-goin’, there just simply -ain’t any let-up _to_ him. He starts in with the band-master, and he -prays for him; next he takes the head bugler, and he prays for him; next -the bass drum, and he scoops _him_ in; and so on, right straight through -the band, givin’ them all a show, and takin’ that amount of interest in -it which would make you think he thought he warn’t but a little while -for this world, and believed he couldn’t be happy in heaven without he -had a brass band along, and wanted to pick ’em out for himself, so he -could depend on ’em to do up the national tunes in a style suitin’ to -the place. Well, sir, heavin’ boots at him don’t have no effect; it’s -dark in there; and, besides, he don’t pray fair, anyway, but kneels down -behind the big drum; so it don’t make no difference if they _rain_ boots -at him, _he_ don’t give a dern—warbles right along, same as if it was -applause. They sing out, ‘Oh, dry up!’ ‘Give us a rest!’ ‘Shoot him!’ -‘Oh, take a walk!’ and all sorts of such things. But what of it? It -don’t phaze him. _He_ don’t mind it.” After a pause: “Kind of a good -little fool, too; gits up in the mornin’ and carts all that stock of -boots back, and sorts ’em out and sets each man’s pair where they -belong. And they’ve been throwed at him so much now, that he knows every -boot in the band,—can sort ’em out with his eyes shut.” - -After another pause, which I forebore to interrupt,— - -“But the roughest thing about it is, that when he’s done prayin’,—when -he ever _does_ get done,—he pipes up and begins to _sing_. Well, you -know what a honey kind of a voice he’s got when he talks; you know how -it would persuade a cast-iron dog to come down off of a doorstep and -lick his hand. Now if you’ll take my word for it, sir, it ain’t a -circumstance to his singin’! Flute music is harsh to that boy’s singin’. -Oh, he just gurgles it out so soft and sweet and low, there in the dark, -that it makes you think you are in heaven.” - -“What is there ‘rough’ about that?” - -“Ah, that’s just it, sir. You hear him sing - - “‘Just as I am—poor, wretched, blind,’ - -—just you hear him sing that, once, and see if you don’t melt all up and -the water come into your eyes! I don’t care _what_ he sings, it goes -plum straight home to you—it goes deep down to where you _live_—and it -fetches you every time! Just you hear him sing:— - - “‘Child of sin and sorrow, filled with dismay, - Wait not till to-morrow, yield thee to-day; - Grieve not that love - Which, from above’— - -and so on. It makes a body feel like the wickedest, ungratefulest brute -that walks. And when he sings them songs of his about home, and mother, -and childhood, and old friends dead and gone, it fetches everything -before your face that you’ve ever loved and lost in all your life—and -it’s just beautiful, it’s just divine to listen to, sir—but, Lord, Lord, -the heart-break of it! The band—well, they all cry—every rascal of them -blubbers, and don’t try to hide it, either; and first you know, that -very gang that’s been slammin’ boots at that boy will skip out of their -bunks all of a sudden, and rush over in the dark and hug him! Yes, they -do—and slobber all over him, and call him pet names, and beg him to -forgive them. And just at that time, if a regiment was to offer to hurt -a hair of that cub’s head, they’d go for that regiment, if it was a -whole army corps!” - -Another pause. - -“Is that all?” said I. - -“Yes, sir.” - -“Well, dear me, what is the complaint? What do they want done?” - -“Done? Why, bless you, sir, they want you to stop him from _singin’_.” - -“What an idea! You said his music was divine.” - -“That’s just it. It’s _too_ divine. Mortal man can’t stand it. It stirs -a body up so; it turns a body inside out; it racks his feelin’s all to -rags; it makes him feel bad and wicked, and not fit for any place but -perdition. It keeps a body in such an everlastin’ state of repentin’, -that nothin’ don’t taste good and there ain’t no comfort in life. And -then the _cryin’_, you see—every mornin’ they are ashamed to look one -another in the face.” - -“Well, this is an odd case, and a singular complaint. So they really -want the singing stopped?” - -“Yes, sir, that is the idea. They don’t wish to ask too much; they would -like powerful well to have the prayin’ shut down on, or leastways -trimmed off around the edges; but the main thing’s the singin’. If they -can only get the singin’ choked off, they think they can stand the -prayin’, rough as it is to be bullyragged so much that way.” - -I told the sergeant I would take the matter under consideration. That -night I crept into the musicians’ quarters and listened. The sergeant -had not overstated the case. I heard the praying voice pleading in the -dark; I heard the execrations of the harassed men; I heard the rain of -boots whiz through the air, and bang and thump around the big drum. The -thing touched me, but it amused me, too. By and by, after an impressive -silence, came the singing. Lord, the pathos of it, the enchantment of -it! Nothing in the world was ever so sweet, so gracious, so tender, so -holy, so moving. I made my stay very brief; I was beginning to -experience emotions of a sort not proper to the commandant of a -fortress. - -Next day I issued orders which stopped the praying and singing. Then -followed three or four days which were so full of bounty-jumping -excitements and irritations that I never once thought of my drummer-boy. -But now comes Sergeant Rayburn, one morning, and says,— - -“That new boy acts mighty strange, sir.” - -“How?” - -“Well, sir, he’s all the time writing.” - -“Writing? What does he write—letters?” - -“I don’t know, sir; but whenever he’s off duty, he is always poking and -nosing around the fort, all by himself,—blest if I think there’s a hole -or corner in it he hasn’t been into,—and every little while he outs with -pencil and paper and scribbles something down.” - -This gave me a most unpleasant sensation. I wanted to scoff at it, but -it was not a time to scoff at _anything_ that had the least suspicious -tinge about it. Things were happening all around us, in the North, then, -that warned us to be always on the alert, and always suspecting. I -recalled to mind the suggestive fact that this boy was from the -South,—the extreme South, Louisiana,—and the thought was not of a -reassuring nature, under the circumstances. Nevertheless, it cost me a -pang to give the orders which I now gave to Rayburn. I felt like a -father who plots to expose his own child to shame and injury. I told -Rayburn to keep quiet, bide his time, and get me some of those writings -whenever he could manage it without the boy’s finding it out. And I -charged him not to do anything which might let the boy discover that he -was being watched. I also ordered that he allow the lad his usual -liberties, but that he be followed at a distance when he went out into -the town. - -During the next two days, Rayburn reported to me several times. No -success. The boy was still writing, but he always pocketed his paper -with a careless air whenever Rayburn appeared in his vicinity. He had -gone twice to an old deserted stable in the town, remained a minute or -two, and come out again. One could not pooh-pooh these things—they had -an evil look. I was obliged to confess to myself that I was getting -uneasy. I went into my private quarters and sent for my second in -command—an officer of intelligence and judgment, son of General James -Watson Webb. He was surprised and troubled. We had a long talk over the -matter, and came to the conclusion that it would be worth while to -institute a secret search. I determined to take charge of that myself. -So I had myself called at two in the morning; and, pretty soon after, I -was in the musicians’ quarters, crawling along the floor on my stomach -among the snorers. I reached my slumbering waif’s bunk at last, without -disturbing anybody, captured his clothes and kit, and crawled stealthily -back again. When I got to my own quarters, I found Webb there, waiting -and eager to know the result. We made search immediately. The clothes -were a disappointment. In the pockets we found blank paper and a pencil; -nothing else, except a jackknife and such queer odds and ends and -useless trifles as boys hoard and value. We turned to the kit hopefully. -Nothing there but a rebuke for us!—a little Bible with this written on -the fly-leaf: “Stranger, be kind to my boy, for his mother’s sake.” - -I looked at Webb—he dropped his eyes; he looked at me—I dropped mine. -Neither spoke. I put the book reverently back in its place. Presently -Webb got up and went away, without remark. After a little I nerved -myself up to my unpalatable job, and took the plunder back to where it -belonged, crawling on my stomach as before. It seemed the peculiarly -appropriate attitude for the business I was in. - -I was most honestly glad when it was over and done with. - -About noon next day Rayburn came, as usual, to report. I cut him short. -I said,— - -“Let this nonsense be dropped. We are making a bugaboo out of a poor -little cub who has got no more harm in him than a hymn-book.” - -The sergeant looked surprised, and said,— - -“Well, you know it was your orders, sir, and I’ve got some of the -writing.” - -“And what does it amount to? How did you get it?” - -“I peeped through the key-hole, and see him writing. So when I judged he -was about done, I made a sort of a little cough, and I see him crumple -it up and throw it in the fire, and look all around to see if anybody -was coming. Then he settled back as comfortable and careless as -anything. Then I comes in, and passes the time of day pleasantly, and -sends him of an errand. He never looked uneasy, but went right along. It -was a coal-fire and new-built; the writing had gone over behind a chunk, -out of sight; but I got it out; there it is; it ain’t hardly scorched, -you see.” - -I glanced at the paper and took in a sentence or two. Then I dismissed -the sergeant and told him to send Webb to me. Here is the paper in -full:— - - “FORT TRUMBULL, the 8th. - - “COLONEL,—I was mistaken as to the calibre of the three guns I ended - my list with. They are 18–pounders; all the rest of the armament is - as I stated. The garrison remains as before reported, except that - the two light infantry companies that were to be detached for - service at the front are to stay here for the present—can’t find out - for how long, just now, but will soon. We are satisfied that, all - things considered, matters had better be postponed un—” - -There it broke off—there is where Rayburn coughed and interrupted the -writer. All my affection for the boy, all my respect for him and charity -for his forlorn condition, withered in a moment under the blight of this -revelation of cold-blooded baseness. - -But never mind about that. Here was business,—business that required -profound and immediate attention, too. Webb and I turned the subject -over and over, and examined it all around. Webb said,— - -“What a pity he was interrupted! Something is going to be postponed -until—when? And what _is_ the something? Possibly he would have -mentioned it, the pious little reptile!” - -“Yes,” I said, “we have missed a trick. And who is ‘_we_,’ in the -letter? Is it conspirators inside the fort or outside?” - -That “we” was uncomfortably suggestive. However, it was not worth while -to be guessing around that, so we proceeded to matters more practical. -In the first place, we decided to double the sentries and keep the -strictest possible watch. Next, we thought of calling Wicklow in and -making him divulge everything; but that did not seem wisest until other -methods should fail. We must have some more of the writings; so we began -to plan to that end. And now we had an idea: Wicklow never went to the -post-office,—perhaps the deserted stable was his post-office. We sent -for my confidential clerk—a young German named Sterne, who was a sort of -natural detective—and told him all about the case and ordered him to go -to work on it. Within the hour we got word that Wicklow was writing -again. Shortly afterward, word came that he had asked leave to go out -into the town. He was detained awhile, and meantime Sterne hurried off -and concealed himself in the stable. By and by he saw Wicklow saunter -in, look about him, then hide something under some rubbish in a corner, -and take leisurely leave again. Sterne pounced upon the hidden article—a -letter—and brought it to us. It had no superscription and no signature. -It repeated what we had already read, and then went on to say:— - - “We think it best to postpone till the two companies are gone. I - mean the four inside think so; have not communicated with the - others—afraid of attracting attention. I say four because we have - lost two; they had hardly enlisted and got inside when they were - shipped off to the front. It will be absolutely necessary to have - two in their places. The two that went were the brothers from - Thirty-mile Point. I have something of the greatest importance to - reveal, but must not trust it to this method of communication; will - try the other.” - -“The little scoundrel!” said Webb; “who _could_ have supposed he was a -spy? However, never mind about that; let us add up our particulars, such -as they are, and see how the case stands to date. First, we’ve got a -rebel spy in our midst, whom we know; secondly, we’ve got three more in -our midst whom we don’t know; thirdly, these spies have been introduced -among us through the simple and easy process of enlisting as soldiers in -the Union army—and evidently two of them have got sold at it, and been -shipped off to the front; fourthly, there are assistant spies -‘outside’—number indefinite; fifthly, Wicklow has very important matter -which he is afraid to communicate by the ‘present method’—will ‘try the -other.’ That is the case, as it now stands. Shall we collar Wicklow and -make him confess? Or shall we catch the person who removes the letters -from the stable and make _him_ tell? Or shall we keep still and find out -more?” - -We decided upon the last course. We judged that we did not need to -proceed to summary measures now, since it was evident that the -conspirators were likely to wait till those two light infantry companies -were out of the way. We fortified Sterne with pretty ample powers, and -told him to use his best endeavors to find out Wicklow’s “other method” -of communication. We meant to play a bold game; and to this end we -proposed to keep the spies in an unsuspecting state as long as possible. -So we ordered Sterne to return to the stable immediately, and, if he -found the coast clear, to conceal Wicklow’s letter where it was before, -and leave it there for the conspirators to get. - -The night closed down without further event. It was cold and dark and -sleety, with a raw wind blowing; still I turned out of my warm bed -several times during the night, and went the rounds in person, to see -that all was right and that every sentry was on the alert. I always -found them wide awake and watchful; evidently whispers of mysterious -dangers had been floating about, and the doubling of the guards had been -a kind of indorsement of those rumors. Once, toward morning, I -encountered Webb, breasting his way against the bitter wind, and learned -then that he, also, had been the rounds several times to see that all -was going right. - -Next day’s events hurried things up somewhat. Wicklow wrote another -letter; Sterne preceded him to the stable and saw him deposit it; -captured it as soon as Wicklow was out of the way, then slipped out and -followed the little spy at a distance, with a detective in plain clothes -at his own heels, for we thought it judicious to have the law’s -assistance handy in case of need. Wicklow went to the railway station, -and waited around till the train from New York came in, then stood -scanning the faces of the crowd as they poured out of the cars. -Presently an aged gentleman, with green goggles and a cane, came limping -along, stopped in Wicklow’s neighborhood, and began to look about him -expectantly. In an instant Wicklow darted forward, thrust an envelope -into his hand, then glided away and disappeared in the throng. The next -instant Sterne had snatched the letter; and as he hurried past the -detective, he said: “Follow the old gentleman—don’t lose sight of him.” -Then Sterne skurried out with the crowd, and came straight to the fort. - -We sat with closed doors, and instructed the guard outside to allow no -interruption. - -First we opened the letter captured at the stable. It read as follows:— - - “HOLY ALLIANCE,—Found, in the usual gun, commands from the Master, - left there last night, which set aside the instructions heretofore - received from the subordinate quarter. Have left in the gun the - usual indication that the commands reached the proper hand—” - -Webb, interrupting: “Isn’t the boy under constant surveillance now?” - -I said yes; he had been under strict surveillance ever since the -capturing of his former letter. - -“Then how could he put anything into a gun, or take anything out of it, -and not get caught?” - -“Well,” I said, “I don’t like the look of that very well.” - -“I don’t, either,” said Webb. “It simply means that there are -conspirators among the very sentinels. Without their connivance in some -way or other, the thing couldn’t have been done.” - -I sent for Rayburn, and ordered him to examine the batteries and see -what he could find. The reading of the letter was then resumed:— - - “The new commands are peremptory, and require that the MMMM shall be - FFFFF at 3 o’clock to-morrow morning. Two hundred will arrive, in - small parties, by train and otherwise, from various directions, and - will be at appointed place at right time. I will distribute the sign - to-day. Success is apparently sure, though something must have got - out, for the sentries have been doubled, and the chiefs went the - rounds last night several times. W. W. comes from southerly to-day - and will receive secret orders—by the other method. All six of you - must be in 166 at sharp 2 A. M. You will find B. B. there, who will - give you detailed instructions. Password same as last time, only - reversed—put first syllable last and last syllable first. REMEMBER - XXXX. Do not forget. Be of good heart; before the next sun rises you - will be heroes; your fame will be permanent; you will have added a - deathless page to history. Amen.” - -“Thunder and Mars,” said Webb, “but we are getting into mighty hot -quarters, as I look at it!” - -I said there was no question but that things were beginning to wear a -most serious aspect. Said I,— - -“A desperate enterprise is on foot, that is plain enough. To-night is -the time set for it,—that, also, is plain. The exact nature of the -enterprise—I mean the manner of it—is hidden away under those blind -bunches of M’s and F’s, but the end and aim, I judge, is the surprise -and capture of the post. We must move quick and sharp now. I think -nothing can be gained by continuing our clandestine policy as regards -Wicklow. We _must_ know, and as soon as possible, too, where ‘166’ is -located, so that we can make a descent upon the gang there at 2 A. M.; -and doubtless the quickest way to get that information will be to force -it out of that boy. But first of all, and before we make any important -move, I must lay the facts before the War Department, and ask for -plenary powers.” - -The despatch was prepared in cipher to go over the wires; I read it, -approved it, and sent it along. - -We presently finished discussing the letter which was under -consideration, and then opened the one which had been snatched from the -lame gentleman. It contained nothing but a couple of perfectly blank -sheets of note-paper! It was a chilly check to our hot eagerness and -expectancy. We felt as blank as the paper, for a moment, and twice as -foolish. But it was for a moment only; for, of course, we immediately -afterward thought of “sympathetic ink.” We held the paper close to the -fire and watched for the characters to come out, under the influence of -the heat; but nothing appeared but some faint tracings, which we could -make nothing of. We then called in the surgeon, and sent him off with -orders to apply every test he was acquainted with till he got the right -one, and report the contents of the letter to me the instant he brought -them to the surface. This check was a confounded annoyance, and we -naturally chafed under the delay; for we had fully expected to get out -of that letter some of the most important secrets of the plot. - -Now appeared Sergeant Rayburn, and drew from his pocket a piece of twine -string about a foot long, with three knots tied in it, and held it up. - -“I got it out of a gun on the water-front,” said he. “I took the -tompions out of all the guns and examined close; this string was the -only thing that was in any gun.” - -So this bit of string was Wicklow’s “sign” to signify that the -“Master’s” commands had not miscarried. I ordered that every sentinel -who had served near that gun during the past twenty-four hours be put in -confinement at once and separately, and not allowed to communicate with -any one without my privity and consent. - -A telegram now came from the Secretary of War. It read as follows:— - - “Suspend _habeas corpus_. Put town under martial law. Make necessary - arrests. Act with vigor and promptness. Keep the Department - informed.” - -We were now in shape to go to work. I sent out and had the lame -gentleman quietly arrested and as quietly brought into the fort; I -placed him under guard, and forbade speech to him or from him. He was -inclined to bluster at first, but he soon dropped that. - -Next came word that Wicklow had been seen to give something to a couple -of our new recruits; and that, as soon as his back was turned, these had -been seized and confined. Upon each was found a small bit of paper, -bearing these words and signs in pencil:— - - +-------------------------+ - | EAGLE’S THIRD FLIGHT. | - | REMEMBER XXXX. | - | 166. | - +-------------------------+ - -In accordance with instructions, I telegraphed to the Department, in -cipher, the progress made, and also described the above ticket. We -seemed to be in a strong enough position now to venture to throw off the -mask as regarded Wicklow; so I sent for him. I also sent for and -received back the letter written in sympathetic ink, the surgeon -accompanying it with the information that thus far it had resisted his -tests, but that there were others he could apply when I should be ready -for him to do so. - -Presently Wicklow entered. He had a somewhat worn and anxious look, but -he was composed and easy, and if he suspected anything it did not appear -in his face or manner. I allowed him to stand there a moment or two, -then I said pleasantly,— - -“My boy, why do you go to that old stable so much?” - -He answered, with simple demeanor and without embarrassment,— - -“Well, I hardly know, sir; there isn’t any particular reason, except -that I like to be alone, and I amuse myself there.” - -“You amuse yourself there, do you?” - -“Yes, sir,” he replied, as innocently and simply as before. - -“Is that all you do there?” - -“Yes, sir,” he said, looking up with childlike wonderment in his big -soft eyes. - -“You are _sure_?” - -“Yes, sir, sure.” - -After a pause, I said,— - -“Wicklow, why do you write so much?” - -“I? I do not write much, sir.” - -“You don’t?” - -“No, sir. Oh, if you mean scribbling, I _do_ scribble some, for -amusement.” - -“What do you do with your scribblings?” - -“Nothing, sir—throw them away.” - -“Never send them to anybody?” - -“No, sir.” - -I suddenly thrust before him the letter to the “Colonel.” He started -slightly, but immediately composed himself. A slight tinge spread itself -over his cheek. - -“How came you to send _this_ piece of scribbling, then?” - -“I nev—never meant any harm, sir.” - -“Never meant any harm! You betray the armament and condition of the -post, and mean no harm by it?” - -He hung his head and was silent. - -“Come, speak up, and stop lying. Whom was this letter intended for?” - -He showed signs of distress, now; but quickly collected himself, and -replied, in a tone of deep earnestness,— - -“I will tell you the truth, sir—the whole truth. The letter was never -intended for anybody at all. I wrote it only to amuse myself. I see the -error and foolishness of it, now,—but it is the only offence, sir, upon -my honor.” - -“Ah, I am glad of that. It is dangerous to be writing such letters. I -hope you are sure this is the only one you wrote?” - -“Yes, sir, perfectly sure.” - -His hardihood was stupefying. He told that lie with as sincere a -countenance as any creature ever wore. I waited a moment to soothe down -my rising temper, and then said,— - -“Wicklow, jog your memory now, and see if you can help me with two or -three little matters which I wish to inquire about.” - -“I will do my very best, sir.” - -“Then, to begin with—who is ‘the Master’?” - -It betrayed him into darting a startled glance at our faces, but that -was all. He was serene again in a moment, and tranquilly answered,— - -“I do not know, sir.” - -“You do not know?” - -“I do not know.” - -“You are _sure_ you do not know?” - -He tried hard to keep his eyes on mine, but the strain was too great; -his chin sunk slowly toward his breast and he was silent; he stood there -nervously fumbling with a button, an object to command one’s pity, in -spite of his base acts. Presently I broke the stillness with the -question,— - -“Who are the ‘Holy Alliance’?” - -His body shook visibly, and he made a slight random gesture with his -hands, which to me was like the appeal of a despairing creature for -compassion. But he made no sound. He continued to stand with his face -bent toward the ground. As we sat gazing at him, waiting for him to -speak, we saw the big tears begin to roll down his cheeks. But he -remained silent. After a little, I said,— - -“You must answer me, my boy, and you must tell me the truth. Who are the -Holy Alliance?” - -He wept on in silence. Presently I said, somewhat sharply,— - -“Answer the question!” - -He struggled to get command of his voice; and then, looking up -appealingly, forced the words out between his sobs,— - -“Oh, have pity on me, sir! I cannot answer it, for I do not know.” - -“What!” - -“Indeed, sir, I am telling the truth. I never have heard of the Holy -Alliance till this moment. On my honor, sir, this is so.” - -“Good heavens! Look at this second letter of yours; there, do you see -those words, ‘_Holy Alliance_?’ What do you say now?” - -He gazed up into my face with the hurt look of one upon whom a great -wrong had been wrought, then said, feelingly,— - -“This is some cruel joke, sir; and how could they play it upon me, who -have tried all I could to do right, and have never done harm to anybody? -Some one has counterfeited my hand; I never wrote a line of this; I have -never seen this letter before!” - -“Oh, you unspeakable liar! Here, what do you say to _this_?”—and I -snatched the sympathetic ink letter from my pocket and thrust it before -his eyes. - -His face turned white!—as white as a dead person’s. He wavered slightly -in his tracks, and put his hand against the wall to steady himself. -After a moment he asked, in so faint a voice that it was hardly -audible,— - -“Have you-read it?” - -Our faces must have answered the truth before my lips could get out a -false “yes,” for I distinctly saw the courage come back into that boy’s -eyes. I waited for him to say something, but he kept silent. So at last -I said,— - -“Well, what have you to say as to the revelations in this letter?” - -He answered, with perfect composure,— - -“Nothing, except that they are entirely harmless and innocent; they can -hurt nobody.” - -I was in something of a corner now, as I couldn’t disprove his -assertion. I did not know exactly how to proceed. However, an idea came -to my relief, and I said,— - -“You are sure you know nothing about the Master and the Holy Alliance, -and did not write the letter which you say is a forgery?” - -“Yes, sir—sure.” - -I slowly drew out the knotted twine string and held it up without -speaking. He gazed at it indifferently, then looked at me inquiringly. -My patience was sorely taxed. However, I kept my temper down, and said -in my usual voice,— - -“Wicklow, do you see this?” - -“Yes, sir.” - -“What is it?” - -“It seems to be a piece of string.” - -“_Seems?_ It _is_ a piece of string. Do you recognize it?” - -“No, sir,” he replied, as calmly as the words could be uttered. - -His coolness was perfectly wonderful! I paused now for several seconds, -in order that the silence might add impressiveness to what I was about -to say; then I rose and laid my hand on his shoulder, and said gravely,— - -“It will do you no good, poor boy, none in the world. This sign to the -‘Master,’ this knotted string, found in one of the guns on the -water-front—” - -“Found _in_ the gun! Oh, no, no, no! do not say _in_ the gun, but in a -crack in the tompion!—it _must_ have been in the crack!” and down he -went on his knees and clasped his hands and lifted up a face that was -pitiful to see, so ashy it was, and wild with terror. - -“No, it was _in_ the gun.” - -“Oh, something has gone wrong! My God, I am lost!” and he sprang up and -darted this way and that, dodging the hands that were put out to catch -him, and doing his best to escape from the place. But of course escape -was impossible. Then he flung himself on his knees again, crying with -all his might, and clasped me around the legs; and so he clung to me and -begged and pleaded, saying, “Oh, have pity on me! Oh, be merciful to me! -Do not betray me; they would not spare my life a moment! Protect me, -save me. I will confess everything!” - -It took us some time to quiet him down and modify his fright, and get -him into something like a rational frame of mind. Then I began to -question him, he answering humbly, with downcast eyes, and from time to -time swabbing away his constantly flowing tears. - -“So you are at heart a rebel?” - -“Yes, sir.” - -“And a spy?” - -“Yes, sir.” - -“And have been acting under distinct orders from outside?” - -“Yes, sir.” - -“Willingly?” - -“Yes, sir.” - -“_Gladly_, perhaps?” - -“Yes, sir; it would do no good to deny it. The South is my country; my -heart is Southern, and it is all in her cause.” - -“Then the tale you told me of your wrongs and the persecution of your -family was made up for the occasion?” - -“They—they told me to say it, sir.” - -“And you would betray and destroy those who pitied and sheltered you. Do -you comprehend how base you are, you poor misguided thing?” - -He replied with sobs only. - -“Well, let that pass. To business. Who is the ‘Colonel,’ and where is -he?” - -He began to cry hard, and tried to beg off from answering. He said he -would be killed if he told. I threatened to put him in the dark cell and -lock him up if he did not come out with the information. At the same -time I promised to protect him from all harm if he made a clean breast. -For all answer, he closed his mouth firmly and put on a stubborn air -which I could not bring him out of. At last I started with him; but a -single glance into the dark cell converted him. He broke into a passion -of weeping and supplicating, and declared he would tell everything. - -So I brought him back, and he named the “Colonel,” and described him -particularly. Said he would be found at the principal hotel in the town, -in citizen’s dress. I had to threaten him again, before he would -describe and name the “Master.” Said the Master would be found at No. 15 -Bond Street, New York, passing under the name of R. F. Gaylord. I -telegraphed name and description to the chief of police of the -metropolis, and asked that Gaylord be arrested and held till I could -send for him. - -“Now,” said I, “it seems that there are several of the conspirators -‘outside,’ presumably in New London. Name and describe them.” - -He named and described three men and two women,—all stopping at the -principal hotel. I sent out quietly, and had them and the “Colonel” -arrested and confined in the fort. - -“Next, I want to know all about your three fellow-conspirators who are -here in the fort.” - -He was about to dodge me with a falsehood, I thought; but I produced the -mysterious bits of paper which had been found upon two of them, and this -had a salutary effect upon him. I said we had possession of two of the -men, and he must point out the third. This frightened him badly, and he -cried out,— - -“Oh, please don’t make me; he would kill me on the spot!” - -I said that that was all nonsense; I would have somebody near by to -protect him, and, besides, the men should be assembled without arms. I -ordered all the raw recruits to be mustered, and then the poor trembling -little wretch went out and stepped along down the line, trying to look -as indifferent as possible. Finally he spoke a single word to one of the -men, and before he had gone five steps the man was under arrest. - -As soon as Wicklow was with us again, I had those three men brought in. -I made one of them stand forward, and said,— - -“Now, Wicklow, mind, not a shade’s divergence from the exact truth. Who -is this man, and what do you know about him?” - -Being “in for it,” he cast consequences aside, fastened his eyes on the -man’s face, and spoke straight along without hesitation,—to the -following effect. - -“His real name is George Bristow. He is from New Orleans; was second -mate of the coast-packet ‘Capitol,’ two years ago; is a desperate -character, and has served two terms for manslaughter,—one for killing a -deck-hand named Hyde with a capstan-bar, and one for killing a -roustabout for refusing to heave the lead, which is no part of a -roustabout’s business. He is a spy, and was sent here by the Colonel, to -act in that capacity. He was third mate of the ‘St. Nicholas,’ when she -blew up in the neighborhood of Memphis, in ’58, and came near being -lynched for robbing the dead and wounded while they were being taken -ashore in an empty wood-boat.” - -And so forth and so on—he gave the man’s biography in full. When he had -finished, I said to the man,— - -“What have you to say to this?” - -“Barring your presence, sir, it is the infernalest lie that ever was -spoke!” - -I sent him back into confinement, and called the others forward in turn. -Same result. The boy gave a detailed history of each, without ever -hesitating for a word or a fact; but all I could get out of either -rascal was the indignant assertion that it was all a lie. They would -confess nothing. I returned them to captivity, and brought out the rest -of my prisoners, one by one. Wicklow told all about them—what towns in -the South they were from, and every detail of their connection with the -conspiracy. - -But they all denied his facts, and not one of them confessed a thing. -The men raged, the women cried. According to their stories, they were -all innocent people from out West, and loved the Union above all things -in this world. I locked the gang up, in disgust, and fell to catechising -Wicklow once more. - -“Where is No. 166, and who is B. B.?” - -But _there_ he was determined to draw the line. Neither coaxing nor -threats had any effect upon him. Time was flying—it was necessary to -institute sharp measures. So I tied him up a-tiptoe by the thumbs. As -the pain increased, it wrung screams from him which were almost more -than I could bear. But I held my ground, and pretty soon he shrieked -out,— - -“Oh, _please_ let me down, and I will tell!” - -“No—you’ll tell _before_ I let you down.” - -Every instant was agony to him, now, so out it came,— - -“No. 166, Eagle Hotel!”—naming a wretched tavern down by the water, a -resort of common laborers, ’longshoremen, and less reputable folk. - -So I released him, and then demanded to know the object of the -conspiracy. - -“To take the fort to-night,” said he, doggedly and sobbing. - -“Have I got all the chiefs of the conspiracy?” - -“No. You’ve got all except those that are to meet at 166.” - -“What does ‘Remember XXXX’ mean?” - -No reply. - -“What is the password to No. 166?” - -No reply. - -“What do those bunches of letters mean,—‘FFFFF’ and ‘MMMM’? Answer! or -you will catch it again.” - -“I never _will_ answer! I will die first. Now do what you please.” - -“Think what you are saying, Wicklow. Is it final?” - -He answered steadily, and without a quiver in his voice,— - -“It is final. As sure as I love my wronged country and hate everything -this Northern sun shines on, I will die before I will reveal those -things.” - -I triced him up by the thumbs again. When the agony was full upon him, -it was heart-breaking to hear the poor thing’s shrieks, but we got -nothing else out of him. To every question he screamed the same reply: -“I can die, and I _will_ die; but I will never tell.” - -Well, we had to give it up. We were convinced that he certainly would -die rather than confess. So we took him down and imprisoned him, under -strict guard. - -Then for some hours we busied ourselves with sending telegrams to the -War Department, and with making preparations for a descent upon No. 166. - -It was stirring times, that black and bitter night. Things had leaked -out, and the whole garrison was on the alert. The sentinels were -trebled, and nobody could move, outside or in, without being brought to -a stand with a musket levelled at his head. However, Webb and I were -less concerned now than we had previously been, because of the fact that -the conspiracy must necessarily be in a pretty crippled condition, since -so many of its principals were in our clutches. - -I determined to be at No. 166 in good season, capture and gag B. B., and -be on hand for the rest when they arrived. At about a quarter past one -in the morning I crept out of the fortress with half a dozen stalwart -and gamy U.S. regulars at my heels—and the boy Wicklow, with his hands -tied behind him. I told him we were going to No. 166, and that if I -found he had lied again and was misleading us, he would have to show us -the right place or suffer the consequences. - -We approached the tavern stealthily and reconnoitred. A light was -burning in the small bar-room, the rest of the house was dark. I tried -the front door; it yielded, and we softly entered, closing the door -behind us. Then we removed our shoes, and I led the way to the bar-room. -The German landlord sat there, asleep in his chair. I woke him gently, -and told him to take off his boots and precede us; warning him at the -same time to utter no sound. He obeyed without a murmur, but evidently -he was badly frightened. I ordered him to lead the way to 166. We -ascended two or three flights of stairs as softly as a file of cats; and -then, having arrived near the farther end of a long hall, we came to a -door through the glazed transom of which we could discern the glow of a -dim light from within. The landlord felt for me in the dark and -whispered me that that was 166. I tried the door—it was locked on the -inside. I whispered an order to one of my biggest soldiers; we set our -ample shoulders to the door and with one heave we burst it from its -hinges. I caught a half-glimpse of a figure in a bed—saw its head dart -toward the candle; out went the light, and we were in pitch darkness. -With one big bound I lit on that bed and pinned its occupant down with -my knees. My prisoner struggled fiercely, but I got a grip on his throat -with my left hand, and that was a good assistance to my knees in holding -him down. Then straightway I snatched out my revolver, cocked it, and -laid the cold barrel warningly against his cheek. - -“Now somebody strike a light!” said I. “I’ve got him safe.” - -It was done. The flame of the match burst up. I looked at my captive, -and, by George, it was a young woman! - -I let go and got off the bed, feeling pretty sheepish. Everybody stared -stupidly at his neighbor. Nobody had any wit or sense left, so sudden -and overwhelming had been the surprise. The young woman began to cry, -and covered her face with the sheet. The landlord said, meekly,— - -“My daughter, she has been doing something that is not right, _nicht -wahr_?” - -“Your daughter? Is she your daughter?” - -“Oh, yes, she is my daughter. She is just to-night come home from -Cincinnati a little bit sick.” - -“Confound it, that boy has lied again. This is not the right 166; this -is not B. B. Now, Wicklow, you will find the correct 166 for us, -or—hello! where is that boy?” - -Gone, as sure as guns! And, what is more, we failed to find a trace of -him. Here was an awkward predicament. I cursed my stupidity in not tying -him to one of the men; but it was of no use to bother about that now. -What should I do in the present circumstances?—that was the question. -That girl _might_ be B. B., after all. I did not believe it, but still -it would not answer to take unbelief for proof. So I finally put my men -in a vacant room across the hall from 166, and told them to capture -anybody and everybody that approached the girl’s room, and to keep the -landlord with them, and under strict watch, until further orders. Then I -hurried back to the fort to see if all was right there yet. - -Yes, all was right. And all remained right. I stayed up all night to -make sure of that. Nothing happened. I was unspeakably glad to see the -dawn come again, and be able to telegraph the Department that the Stars -and Stripes still floated over Fort Trumbull. - -An immense pressure was lifted from my breast. Still I did not relax -vigilance, of course, nor effort either; the case was too grave for -that. I had up my prisoners, one by one, and harried them by the hour, -trying to get them to confess, but it was a failure. They only gnashed -their teeth and tore their hair, and revealed nothing. - -About noon came tidings of my missing boy. He had been seen on the road, -tramping westward, some eight miles out, at six in the morning. I -started a cavalry lieutenant and a private on his track at once. They -came in sight of him twenty miles out. He had climbed a fence and was -wearily dragging himself across a slushy field toward a large -old-fashioned mansion in the edge of a village. They rode through a bit -of woods, made a detour, and closed up on the house from the opposite -side; then dismounted and skurried into the kitchen. Nobody there. They -slipped into the next room, which was also unoccupied; the door from -that room into the front or sitting-room was open. They were about to -step through it when they heard a low voice; it was somebody praying. So -they halted reverently, and the lieutenant put his head in and saw an -old man and an old woman kneeling in a corner of that sitting-room. It -was the old man that was praying, and just as he was finishing his -prayer, the Wicklow boy opened the front door and stepped in. Both of -those old people sprang at him and smothered him with embraces, -shouting,— - -“Our boy! our darling! God be praised. The lost is found! He that was -dead is alive again!” - -Well, sir, what do you think! That young imp was born and reared on that -homestead, and had never been five miles away from it in all his life, -till the fortnight before he loafed into my quarters and gulled me with -that maudlin yarn of his! It’s as true as gospel. That old man was his -father—a learned old retired clergyman; and that old lady was his -mother. - -Let me throw in a word or two of explanation concerning that boy and his -performances. It turned out that he was a ravenous devourer of dime -novels and sensation-story papers—therefore, dark mysteries and gaudy -heroisms were just in his line. Then he had read newspaper reports of -the stealthy goings and comings of rebel spies in our midst, and of -their lurid purposes and their two or three startling achievements, till -his imagination was all aflame on that subject. His constant comrade for -some months had been a Yankee youth of much tongue and lively fancy, who -had served for a couple of years as “mud clerk” (that is, subordinate -purser) on certain of the packet-boats plying between New Orleans and -points two or three hundred miles up the Mississippi—hence his easy -facility in handling the names and other details pertaining to that -region. Now I had spent two or three months in that part of the country -before the war; and I knew just enough about it to be easily taken in by -that boy, whereas a born Louisianian would probably have caught him -tripping before he had talked fifteen minutes. Do you know the reason he -said he would rather die than explain certain of his treasonable -enigmas? Simply because he _couldn’t_ explain them!—they had no meaning; -he had fired them out of his imagination without forethought or -afterthought; and so, upon sudden call, he wasn’t able to invent an -explanation of them. For instance, he couldn’t reveal what was hidden in -the “sympathetic ink” letter, for the ample reason that there wasn’t -anything hidden in it; it was blank paper only. He hadn’t put anything -into a gun, and had never intended to—for his letters were all written -to imaginary persons, and when he hid one in the stable he always -removed the one he had put there the day before; so he was not -acquainted with that knotted string, since he was seeing it for the -first time when I showed it to him; but as soon as I had let him find -out where it came from, he straightway adopted it, in his romantic -fashion, and got some fine effects out of it. He invented Mr. “Gaylord;” -there wasn’t any 15 Bond Street, just then—it had been pulled down three -months before. He invented the “Colonel;” he invented the glib histories -of those unfortunates whom I captured and confronted with him; he -invented “B. B.;” he even invented No. 166, one may say, for he didn’t -know there _was_ such a number in the Eagle Hotel until we went there. -He stood ready to invent anybody or anything whenever it was wanted. If -I called for “outside” spies, he promptly described strangers whom he -had seen at the hotel, and whose names he had happened to hear. Ah, he -lived in a gorgeous, mysterious, romantic world during those few -stirring days, and I think it was _real_ to him, and that he enjoyed it -clear down to the bottom of his heart. - -But he made trouble enough for us, and just no end of humiliation. You -see, on account of him we had fifteen or twenty people under arrest and -confinement in the fort, with sentinels before their doors. A lot of the -captives were soldiers and such, and to them I didn’t have to apologize; -but the rest were first-class citizens, from all over the country, and -no amount of apologies was sufficient to satisfy them. They just fumed -and raged and made no end of trouble! And those two ladies,—one was an -Ohio Congressman’s wife, the other a Western bishop’s sister,—well, the -scorn and ridicule and angry tears they poured out on me made up a -keepsake that was likely to make me remember them for a considerable -time,—and I shall. That old lame gentleman with the goggles was a -college president from Philadelphia, who had come up to attend his -nephew’s funeral. He had never seen young Wicklow before, of course. -Well, he not only missed the funeral, and got jailed as a rebel spy, but -Wicklow had stood up there in my quarters and coldly described him as a -counterfeiter, nigger-trader, horse-thief, and fire-bug from the most -notorious rascal-nest in Galveston; and this was a thing which that poor -old gentleman couldn’t seem to get over at all. - -And the War Department! But, O my soul, let’s draw the curtain over that -part! - - Note.—I showed my manuscript to the Major, and he said: “Your - unfamiliarity with military matters has betrayed you into some - little mistakes. Still, they are picturesque ones—let them go; - military men will smile at them, the rest won’t detect them. You - have got the main facts of the history right, and have set them down - just about as they occurred.”—M. T. - - - - - MRS. McWILLIAMS AND THE LIGHTNING. - - -Well, sir,—continued Mr. McWilliams, for this was not the beginning of -his talk;—the fear of lightning is one of the most distressing -infirmities a human being can be afflicted with. It is mostly confined -to women; but now and then you find it in a little dog, and sometimes in -a man. It is a particularly distressing infirmity, for the reason that -it takes the sand out of a person to an extent which no other fear can, -and it can’t be _reasoned_ with, and neither can it be shamed out of a -person. A woman who could face the very devil himself—or a mouse—loses -her grip and goes all to pieces in front of a flash of lightning. Her -fright is something pitiful to see. - -Well, as I was telling you, I woke up, with that smothered and -unlocatable cry of “Mortimer! Mortimer!” wailing in my ears; and as soon -as I could scrape my faculties together I reached over in the dark and -then said,— - -“Evangeline, is that you calling? What is the matter? Where are you?” - -“Shut up in the boot-closet. You ought to be ashamed to lie there and -sleep so, and such an awful storm going on.” - -“Why, how _can_ one be ashamed when he is asleep? It is unreasonable; a -man _can’t_ be ashamed when he is asleep, Evangeline.” - -“You never try, Mortimer,—you know very well you never try.” - -I caught the sound of muffled sobs. - -That sound smote dead the sharp speech that was on my lips, and I -changed it to— - -“I’m sorry, dear,—I’m truly sorry. I never meant to act so. Come back -and—” - -“MORTIMER!” - -“Heavens! what is the matter, my love?” - -“Do you mean to say you are in that bed yet?” - -“Why, of course.” - -“Come out of it instantly. I should think you would take some _little_ -care of your life, for _my_ sake and the children’s, if you will not for -your own.” - -“But my love—” - -“Don’t talk to me, Mortimer. You _know_ there is no place so dangerous -as a bed, in such a thunder-storm as this,—all the books say that; yet -there you would lie, and deliberately throw away your life,—for goodness -knows what, unless for the sake of arguing and arguing, and—” - -“But, confound it, Evangeline, I’m _not_ in the bed, _now_. I’m—” - -[Sentence interrupted by a sudden glare of lightning, followed by a -terrified little scream from Mrs. McWilliams and a tremendous blast of -thunder.] - -“There! You see the result. Oh, Mortimer, how _can_ you be so profligate -as to swear at such a time as this?” - -“I _didn’t_ swear. And that _wasn’t_ a result of it, any way. It would -have come, just the same, if I hadn’t said a word; and you know very -well, Evangeline,—at least you ought to know,—that when the atmosphere -is charged with electricity—” - -“Oh, yes, now argue it, and argue it, and argue it!—I don’t see how you -can act so, when you _know_ there is not a lightning-rod on the place, -and your poor wife and children are absolutely at the mercy of -Providence. What _are_ you doing?—lighting a match at such a time as -this! Are you stark mad?” - -“Hang it, woman, where’s the harm? The place is as dark as the inside of -an infidel, and—” - -“Put it out! put it out instantly! Are you determined to sacrifice us -all? You _know_ there is nothing attracts lightning like a light. -[_Fzt!—crash! boom—boloom-boom-boom!_] Oh, just hear it! Now you see -what you’ve done!” - -“No, I _don’t_ see what I’ve done. A match may attract lightning, for -all I know, but it don’t _cause_ lightning,—I’ll go odds on that. And it -didn’t attract it worth a cent this time; for if that shot was levelled -at my match, it was blessed poor marksmanship,—about an average of none -out of a possible million, I should say. Why, at Dollymount, such -marksmanship as that—” - -“For shame, Mortimer! Here we are standing right in the very presence of -death, and yet in so solemn a moment you are capable of using such -language as that. If you have no desire to—Mortimer!” - -“Well?” - -“Did you say your prayers to-night?” - -“I—I—meant to, but I got to trying to cipher out how much twelve times -thirteen is, and—” - -[_Fzt!—boom-berroom-boom! bumble-umble bang_-SMASH!] - -“Oh, we are lost, beyond all help! How _could_ you neglect such a thing -at such a time as this?” - -“But it _wasn’t_ ‘such a time as this.’ There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. -How could _I_ know there was going to be all this rumpus and powwow -about a little slip like that? And I don’t think it’s just fair for you -to make so much out of it, any way, seeing it happens so seldom; I -haven’t missed before since I brought on that earthquake, four years -ago.” - -“MORTIMER! How you talk! Have you forgotten the yellow fever?” - -“My dear, you are always throwing up the yellow fever to me, and I think -it is perfectly unreasonable. You can’t even send a telegraphic message -as far as Memphis without relays, so how is a little devotional slip of -mine going to carry so far? I’ll _stand_ the earthquake, because it was -in the neighborhood; but I’ll be hanged if I’m going to be responsible -for every blamed—” - -[_Fzt!_—BOOM _beroom_-boom! boom!—BANG!] - -“Oh, dear, dear, dear! I _know_ it struck something, Mortimer. We never -shall see the light of another day; and if it will do you any good to -remember, when we are gone, that your dreadful language—_Mortimer_!” - -“WELL! What now?” - -“Your voice sounds as if— Mortimer, are you actually standing in front -of that open fireplace?” - -“That is the very crime I am committing.” - -“Get away from it, this moment. You do seem determined to bring -destruction on us all. Don’t you _know_ that there is no better -conductor for lightning than an open chimney? _Now_ where have you got -to?” - -“I’m here by the window.” - -“Oh, for pity’s sake, have you lost your mind? Clear out from there, -this moment. The very children in arms know it is fatal to stand near a -window in a thunder-storm. Dear, dear, I know I shall never see the -light of another day. Mortimer?” - -“Yes?” - -“What is that rustling?” - -“It’s me.” - -“What are you doing?” - -“Trying to find the upper end of my pantaloons.” - -“Quick! throw those things away! I do believe you would deliberately put -on those clothes at such a time as this; yet you know perfectly well -that _all_ authorities agree that woolen stuffs attract lightning. Oh, -dear, dear, it isn’t sufficient that one’s life must be in peril from -natural causes, but you must do everything you can possibly think of to -augment the danger. Oh, _don’t_ sing! What _can_ you be thinking of?” - -“Now where’s the harm in it?” - -“Mortimer, if I have told you once, I have told you a hundred times, -that singing causes vibrations in the atmosphere which interrupt the -flow of the electric fluid, and—What on _earth_ are you opening that -door for?” - -“Goodness gracious, woman, is there is any harm in _that_?” - -“_Harm?_ There’s _death_ in it. Anybody that has given this subject any -attention knows that to create a draught is to invite the lightning. You -haven’t half shut it; shut it _tight_,—and do hurry, or we are all -destroyed. Oh, it is an awful thing to be shut up with a lunatic at such -a time as this. Mortimer, what _are_ you doing?” - -“Nothing. Just turning on the water. This room is smothering hot and -close. I want to bathe my face and hands.” - -“You have certainly parted with the remnant of your mind! Where -lightning strikes any other substance once, it strikes water fifty -times. Do turn it off. Oh, dear, I am sure that nothing in this world -can save us. It does seem to me that—Mortimer, what was that?” - -“It was a da—it was a picture. Knocked it down.” - -“Then you are close to the wall! I never heard of such imprudence! Don’t -you _know_ that there’s no better conductor for lightning than a wall? -Come away from there! And you came as near as anything to swearing, too. -Oh, how can you be so desperately wicked, and your family in such peril? -Mortimer, did you order a feather bed, as I asked you to do?” - -“No. Forgot it.” - -“Forgot it! It may cost you your life. If you had a feather bed, now, -and could spread it in the middle of the room and lie on it, you would -be perfectly safe. Come in here,—come quick, before you have a chance to -commit any more frantic indiscretions.” - -I tried, but the little closet would not hold us both with the door -shut, unless we could be content to smother. I gasped awhile, then -forced my way out. My wife called out,— - -“Mortimer, something _must_ be done for your preservation. Give me that -German book that is on the end of the mantel-piece, and a candle; but -don’t light it; give me a match; I will light it in here. That book has -some directions in it.” - -I got the book,—at cost of a vase and some other brittle things; and the -madam shut herself up with her candle. I had a moment’s peace; then she -called out,— - -“Mortimer, what was that?” - -“Nothing but the cat.” - -“The cat! Oh, destruction! Catch her, and shut her up in the wash-stand. -Do be quick, love; cats are _full_ of electricity. I just know my hair -will turn white with this night’s awful perils.” - -I heard the muffled sobbings again. But for that, I should not have -moved hand or foot in such a wild enterprise in the dark. - -However, I went at my task,—over chairs, and against all sorts of -obstructions, all of them hard ones, too, and most of them with sharp -edges,—and at last I got kitty cooped up in the commode, at an expense -of over four hundred dollars in broken furniture and shins. Then these -muffled words came from the closet:— - -“It says the safest thing is to stand on a chair in the middle of the -room, Mortimer; and the legs of the chair must be insulated, with -non-conductors. That is, you must set the legs of the chair in glass -tumblers. [_Fzt!—boom—bang!—smash!_] Oh, hear that! Do hurry, Mortimer, -before you are struck.” - -I managed to find and secure the tumblers. I got the last four,—broke -all the rest. I insulated the chair legs, and called for further -instructions. - -“Mortimer, it says, ‘Während eines Gewitters entferne man Metalle, wie -z. B., Ringe, Uhren, Schlüssel, etc., von sich und halte sich auch nicht -an solchen Stellen auf, wo viele Metalle bei einander liegen, oder mit -andern Körpern verbunden sind, wie an Herden, Oefen, Eisengittern u. -dgl.’ What does that mean, Mortimer? Does it mean that you must keep -metals _about_ you, or keep them _away_ from you?” - -“Well, I hardly know. It appears to be a little mixed. All German advice -is more or less mixed. However, I think that that sentence is mostly in -the dative case, with a little genitive and accusative sifted in, here -and there, for luck; so I reckon it means that you must keep some metals -_about_ you.” - -“Yes, that must be it. It stands to reason that it is. They are in the -nature of lightning-rods, you know. Put on your fireman’s helmet, -Mortimer; that is mostly metal.” - -I got it and put it on,—a very heavy and clumsy and uncomfortable thing -on a hot night in a close room. Even my night-dress seemed to be more -clothing than I strictly needed. - -“Mortimer, I think your middle ought to be protected. Won’t you buckle -on your militia sabre, please?” - -I complied. - -“Now, Mortimer, you ought to have some way to protect your feet. Do -please put on your spurs.” - -I did it,—in silence,—and kept my temper as well as I could. - -“Mortimer, it says, ‘Das Gewitter läuten ist sehr gefährlich, weil die -Glocke selbst, sowie der durch das Läuten veranlasste Luftzug und die -Höhe des Thurmes den Blitz anziehen könnten.’ Mortimer, does that mean -that it is dangerous not to ring the church bells during a -thunder-storm?” - -“Yes, it seems to mean that,—if that is the past participle of the -nominative case singular, and I reckon it is. Yes, I think it means that -on account of the height of the church tower and the absence of -_Luftzug_ it would be very dangerous (_sehr gefährlich_) not to ring the -bells in time of a storm; and moreover, don’t you see, the very -wording—” - -“Never mind that, Mortimer; don’t waste the precious time in talk. Get -the large dinner-bell; it is right there in the hall. Quick, Mortimer -dear; we are almost safe. Oh, dear, I do believe we are going to be -saved, at last!” - -Our little summer establishment stands on top of a high range of hills, -overlooking a valley. Several farm-houses are in our neighborhood,—the -nearest some three or four hundred yards away. - -When I, mounted on the chair, had been clanging that dreadful bell a -matter of seven or eight minutes, our shutters were suddenly torn open -from without, and a brilliant bull’s-eye lantern was thrust in at the -window, followed by a hoarse inquiry:— - -“What in the nation is the matter here?” - -The window was full of men’s heads, and the heads were full of eyes that -stared wildly at my night-dress and my warlike accoutrements. - -I dropped the bell, skipped down from the chair in confusion, and said,— - -“There is nothing the matter, friends,—only a little discomfort on -account of the thunder-storm. I was trying to keep off the lightning.” - -“Thunder-storm? Lightning? Why, Mr. McWilliams, have you lost your mind? -It is a beautiful starlight night; there has been no storm.” - -I looked out, and I was so astonished I could hardly speak for a while. -Then I said,— - -“I do not understand this. We distinctly saw the glow of the flashes -through the curtains and shutters, and heard the thunder.” - -One after another of those people lay down on the ground to laugh,—and -two of them died. One of the survivors remarked,— - -“Pity you didn’t think to open your blinds and look over to the top of -the high hill yonder. What you heard was cannon; what you saw was the -flash. You see, the telegraph brought some news, just at midnight: -Garfield’s nominated,—and that’s what’s the matter!” - -Yes, Mr. Twain, as I was saying in the beginning (said Mr. McWilliams), -the rules for preserving people against lightning are so excellent and -so innumerable that the most incomprehensible thing in the world to me -is how anybody ever manages to get struck. - -So saying, he gathered up his satchel and umbrella, and departed; for -the train had reached his town. - - - - -[EXPLANATORY. I regard the idea of this play as a valuable invention. I -call it the Patent Universally-Applicable Automatically-Adjustable -Language Drama. This indicates that it is adjustable to any tongue, and -performable in any tongue. The English portions of the play are to -remain just as they are, permanently; but you change the foreign -portions to any language you please, at will. Do you see? You at once -have the same old play in a new tongue. And you can keep on changing it -from language to language, until your private theatrical pupils have -become glib and at home in the speech of all nations. _Zum Beispiel_, -suppose we wish to adjust the play to the French tongue. First, we give -Mrs. Blumenthal and Gretchen French names. Next, we knock the German -Meisterschaft sentences out of the first scene, and replace them with -sentences from the French Meisterschaft-like this, for instance; “Je -voudrais faire des emplettes ce matin; voulez-vous avoir l’obligeance de -venir avec moi chez le tailleur français?” And so on. Wherever you find -German, replace it with French, leaving the English parts undisturbed. -When you come to the long conversation in the second act, turn to any -pamphlet of your French Meisterschaft, and shovel in as much French talk -on _any_ subject as will fill up the gaps left by the expunged German. -Example—page 423 French Meisterschaft: - - On dirait qu’il va faire chaud. - J’ai chaud. - J’ai extrêmement chaud. - Ah! qu’il fait chaud! - Il fait une chaleur étouffante! - L’air est brûlant. - Je meurs de chaleur. - Il est presque impossible de supporter la chaleur. - Cela vous fait transpirer. - Mettons nous à l’ombre. - Il fait du vent. - Il fait un vent froid. - Il fait un temps très-agréable pour se promener aujourd’hui. - -And so on, all the way through. It is very easy to adjust the play to -any desired language. Anybody can do it.] - - - - - MEISTERSCHAFT: IN THREE ACTS. - - - DRAMATIS PERSONÆ: - - MR. STEPHENSON. - MARGARET STEPHENSON. - GEORGE FRANKLIN. - ANNIE STEPHENSON. - WILLIAM JACKSON. - MRS. BLUMENTHAL, the Wirthin. - GRETCHEN, - Kellnerin. - - - - - ACT I. - - - SCENE I. - - Scene of the play, the parlor of a small private dwelling in a - village. - -MARGARET. (_Discovered crocheting—has a pamphlet._) - -MARGARET. (_Solus._) Dear, dear! it’s dreary enough, to have to study -this impossible German tongue: to be exiled from home and all human -society except a body’s sister in order to do it, is just simply -abscheulich. Here’s only three weeks of the three months gone, and it -seems like three years. I don’t believe I can live through it, and I’m -sure Annie can’t. - -(_Refers to her book, and rattles through, several times, like one -memorizing_:) Entschuldigen Sie, mein Herr, können Sie mir vielleicht -sagen, um wie viel Uhr der erste Zug nach Dresden abgeht? (_Makes -mistakes and corrects them._) I just hate Meisterschaft! We may see -people; we can have society: yes, on condition that the conversation -shall be in German, and in German only—every single word of it! Very -kind—oh, very! when neither Annie nor I can put two words together, -except as they are put together for us in Meisterschaft or that idiotic -Ollendorff! (_Refers to book, and memorizes: Mein Bruder hat Ihren Herrn -Vater nicht gesehen, als er gestern in dem Laden des deutschen -Kaufmannes war._) Yes, we can have society, provided we talk German. -What would such a conversation be like! If you should stick to -Meisterschaft, it would change the subject every two minutes; and if you -stuck to Ollendorff, it would be all about your sister’s mother’s good -stocking of thread, or your grandfather’s aunt’s good hammer of the -carpenter, and who’s got it, and there an end. You couldn’t keep up your -interest in such topics. (_Memorizing: Wenn irgend möglich,—möchte ich -noch heute Vormittag dort ankommen, da es mir sehr daran gelegen ist, -einen meiner Geschäftsfreunde zu treffen._) My mind is made up to one -thing: I will be an exile, in spirit and in truth: I will see no one -during these three months. Father is very ingenious—oh, very! thinks he -is, anyway. Thinks he has invented a way to _force_ us to learn to speak -German. He is a dear good soul, and all that; but invention isn’t his -fash’. He will see. (_With eloquent energy._) Why, nothing in the world -shall—Bitte, können Sie mir vielleicht sagen, ob Herr Schmidt mit diesem -Zuge angekommen ist? Oh, dear, dear George—three weeks! It seems a whole -century since I saw him. I wonder if he suspects that I—that I—care for -him——j—just a wee, wee bit? I believe he does. And I believe Will -suspects that Annie cares for _him_ a little, that I do. And I know -perfectly well that they care for _us_. They agree with all our -opinions, no matter what they are; and if they have a prejudice, they -change it, as soon as they see how foolish it is. Dear George! at first -he just couldn’t abide cats; but now, why now he’s just all for cats; he -fairly welters in cats. I never saw such a reform. And it’s just so with -_all_ his principles: he hasn’t got one that he had before. Ah, if all -men were like him, this world would——(_Memorizing: Im Gegentheil, mein -Herr, dieser Stoff is sehr billig. Bitte, sehen Sie sich nur die -Qualität an._) Yes, and what did _they_ go to studying German for, if it -wasn’t an inspiration of the highest and purest sympathy? Any other -explanation is nonsense——why, they’d as soon have thought of studying -American history. (_Turns her back, buries herself in her pamphlet, -first memorizing aloud, until Annie enters, then to herself, rocking to -and fro, and rapidly moving her lips, without uttering a sound._) - - Enter Annie, absorbed in her pamphlet—does not at first see - Margaret. - -ANNIE. (_Memorizing: Er liess mich gestern früh rufen, und sagte mir -dass er einen sehr unangenehmen Brief von Ihrem Lehrer erhalten hatte. -Repeats twice aloud, then to herself, briskly moving her lips._) - -M. (_Still not seeing her sister._) Wie geht es Ihrem Herrn -Schwiegervater? Es freut mich sehr, dass Ihre Frau Mutter wieder wohl -ist. (_Repeats. Then mouths in silence._) - -(_Annie repeats her sentence a couple of times aloud; then looks up, -working her lips, and discovers Margaret._) Oh, you here! (_Running to -her._) O lovey-dovey, dovey-lovey, I’ve got the gr-reatest news! Guess, -guess, guess! You’ll never guess in a hundred thousand million years—and -more! - -M. Oh, tell me, tell me, dearie; don’t keep me in agony. - -A. Well, I will. What—do—you—think? _They’re_ here! - -M. Wh-a-t! Who? When? Which? Speak! - -A. Will and George! - -M. Annie Alexandra Victoria Stephenson, what _do_ you mean! - -A. As sure as guns! - -M. (_Spasmodically unarming and kissing her._) ’Sh! don’t use such -language. O darling, say it again! - -A. As sure as guns! - -M. I don’t mean that! Tell me again, that— - -A. (_Springing up and waltzing about the room._) They’re here—in this -very village—to learn German—for three months! Es sollte mich sehr -freuen wenn Sie— - -M. (_Joining in the dance._) Oh, it’s just too lovely for anything! -(_Unconsciously memorizing_:) Es wäre mir lieb wenn Sie morgen mit mir -in die Kirche gehen könnten, aber ich kann selbst nicht gehen, weil ich -Sonntags gewöhnlich krank bin. Juckhe! - -A. (_Finishing some unconscious memorizing._)—morgen Mittag bei mir -speisen könnten. Juckhe! Sit down and I’ll tell you all I’ve heard. -(_They sit._) They’re here, and under that same odious law that fetters -us—our tongues, I mean; the metaphor’s faulty, but no matter. They can -go out, and see people, only on condition that they hear and speak -German, and German only. - -M. Isn’t—that—too lovely! - -A. And they’re coming to see us! - -M. Darling! (_Kissing her._) But are you sure? - -A. Sure as guns—Gatling guns! - -M. ’Sh! don’t child, it’s schrecklich! Darling—you aren’t mistaken? - -A. As sure as g—batteries! - - They jump up and dance a moment—then— - -M. (_With distress._) But, Annie dear!—_we_ can’t talk German—and -neither can they! - -A. (_Sorrowfully._) I didn’t think of that. - -M. How cruel it is! What can we do? - -A. (_After a reflective pause, resolutely._) Margaret—we’ve _got_ to. - -M. Got to what? - -A. Speak German. - -M. Why, how, child? - -A. (_Contemplating her pamphlet with earnestness._) I can tell you one -thing. Just give me the blessed privilege: just hinsetzen Will Jackson -here in front of me and I’ll talk German to him as long as this -Meisterschaft holds out to burn. - -M. (_Joyously._) Oh, what an elegant idea! You certainly have got a mind -that’s a mine of resources, if ever anybody had one. - -A. I’ll skin this Meisterschaft to the last sentence in it! - -M. (_With a happy idea._) Why, Annie, it’s the greatest thing in the -world. I’ve been all this time struggling and despairing over these few -little Meisterschaft primers: but as sure as you live, I’ll have the -whole fifteen by heart before this time day after to-morrow. See if I -don’t. - -A. And so will I; and I’ll trowel-in a layer of Ollendorff mush between -every couple of courses of Meisterschaft bricks. Juckhe! - -M. Hoch! hoch! hoch! - -A. Stoss an! - -M. Juckhe! Wir werden gleich gute deutsche Schülerinnen werden! Juck—— - -A. —he! - -M. Annie, when are they coming to see us? To-night? - -A. No. - -M. No? Why not? When are they coming? What are they waiting for? The -idea! I never heard of such a thing! What do you—— - -A. (_Breaking in._) Wait, wait, wait! give a body a chance. They have -their reasons. - -M. Reasons?—what reasons? - -A. Well, now, when you stop and think, they’re royal good ones. They’ve -got to talk German when they come, haven’t they? Of course. Well, they -don’t _know_ any German but Wie befinden Sie sich, and Haben Sie gut -geschlafen, and Vater unser, and Ich trinke lieber Bier als Wasser, and -a few little parlor things like that; but when it comes to _talking_, -why, they don’t know a hundred and fifty German words, put them all -together. - -M. Oh, I see! - -A. So they’re going neither to eat, sleep, smoke, nor speak the truth -till they’ve crammed home the whole fifteen Meisterschafts auswendig! - -M. Noble hearts! - -A. They’ve given themselves till day after to-morrow, half-past 7 P. M., -and then they’ll arrive here, loaded. - -M. Oh, how lovely, how gorgeous, how beautiful! Some think this world is -made of mud; I think it’s made of rainbows. (_Memorizing._) Wenn irgend -möglich, so möchte ich noch heute Vormittag dort ankommen, da es mir -sehr daran gelegen ist,—Annie, I can learn it just like nothing! - -A. So can I. Meisterschaft’s mere fun—I don’t see how it ever could have -seemed difficult. Come! We can be disturbed here: let’s give orders that -we don’t want anything to eat for two days; and are absent to friends, -dead to strangers, and not at home even to nougat-peddlers—— - -M. Schön! and we’ll lock ourselves into our rooms, and at the end of two -days, whosoever may ask us a Meisterschaft question shall get a -Meisterschaft answer—and hot from the bat! - -BOTH. (_Reciting in unison._) Ich habe einen Hut für meinen Sohn, ein -Paar Handschuhe für meinen Bruder, und einen Kamm für mich selbst -gekauft. - - (Exeunt.) - - Enter MRS. BLUMENTHAL, the Wirthin. - -WIRTHIN. (_Solus._) Ach, die armen Mädchen, sie hassen die deutsche -Sprache, drum ist es ganz und gar unmöglich dass sie sie je lernen -können. Es bricht mir ja mein Herz ihre Kummer über die Studien -anzusehen.... Warum haben sie den Entschluss gefasst in ihren Zimmern -ein Paar Tage zu bleiben?... Ja—gewiss—dass versteht sich: sie sind -entmuthigt—arme Kinder! - -(_A knock at the door._) Herein! - - Enter Gretchen with card. - -G. Er ist schon wieder da, und sagt dass er nur _Sie_ sehen will. -(_Hands the card._) Auch— - -WIRTHIN. Gott im Himmel—der Vater der Mädchen! (_Puts the card in her -pocket._) Er wünscht die _Töchter_ nicht zu treffen? Ganz recht; also, -Du schweigst. - -G. Zu Befehl. - -WIRTHIN. Lass ihn hereinkommen. - -G. Ja, Frau Wirthin! - - Exit Gretchen. - -WIRTHIN. (_Solus._) Ah—jetzt muss ich ihm die Wahrheit offenbaren. - - Enter Mr. Stephenson. - -STEPHENSON. Good morning, Mrs. Blumenthal—keep your seat, keep your -seat, please. I’m only here for a moment—merely to get your report, you -know. (_Seating himself._) Don’t want to see the girls—poor things, -they’d want to go home with me. I’m afraid I couldn’t have the heart to -say no. How’s the German getting along? - -WIRTHIN. N-not very well; I was afraid you would ask me that. You see, -they hate it, they don’t take the least interest in it, and there isn’t -anything to incite them to an interest, you see. And so they can’t talk -at all. - -S. M-m. That’s bad. I had an idea that they’d get lonesome, and have to -seek society; and then, of course, my plan would work, considering the -cast-iron conditions of it. - -WIRTHIN. But it hasn’t so far. I’ve thrown nice company in their -way—I’ve done my very best, in every way I could think of—but it’s no -use; they won’t go out, and they won’t receive anybody. And a body can’t -blame them; they’d be tongue-tied—couldn’t do anything with a German -conversation. Now when I started to learn German—such poor German as I -know—the case was very different: my intended was a German. I was to -live among Germans the rest of my life; and so I _had_ to learn. Why, -bless my heart! I nearly _lost_ the man the first time he asked me—I -thought he was talking about the measles. They were very prevalent at -the time. Told him I didn’t want any in mine. But I found out the -mistake, and I was fixed for him next time... Oh, yes, Mr. Stephenson, a -sweetheart’s a prime incentive! - -S. (_Aside._) Good soul! she doesn’t suspect that my plan is a double -scheme—includes a speaking knowledge of German, which I am bound they -shall have, and the keeping them away from those two young -fellows—though if I had known that those boys were going off for a -year’s foreign travel, I—however, the girls would never learn that -language at home; they’re here, and I won’t relent—they’ve got to stick -the three months out. (_Aloud._) So they are making poor progress? Now -tell me—will they learn it—after a sort of fashion, I mean—in the three -months? - -WIRTHIN. Well, now, I’ll tell you the only chance I see. Do what I will, -they won’t answer my German with anything but English; if that goes on, -they’ll stand stock still. Now I’m willing to do this: I’ll straighten -everything up, get matters in smooth running order, and day after -to-morrow I’ll go to bed sick, and stay sick three weeks. - -S. Good! You are an angel! I see your idea. The servant girl— - -WIRTHIN. That’s it; that’s my project. She doesn’t know a word of -English. And Gretchen’s a real good soul, and can talk the slates off a -roof. Her tongue’s just a flutter-mill. I’ll keep my room,—just ailing a -little,—and they’ll never see my face except when they pay their little -duty-visits to me, and then I’ll say English disorders my mind. They’ll -be shut up with Gretchen’s wind-mill, and she’ll just grind them to -powder. Oh, _they’ll_ get a start in the language—sort of a one, sure’s -you live. You come back in three weeks. - -S. Bless you, my Retterin! I’ll be here to the day! Get ye to your -sick-room—you shall have treble pay. (_Looking at watch._) Good! I can -just catch my train. Leben Sie wohl! (_Exit._) - -WIRTHIN. Leben Sie wohl! mein Herr! - - - - - ACT II. - - - SCENE I. - - Time, a couple of days later. (The girls discovered with their work - and primers.) - -ANNIE. Was fehlt der Wirthin? - -MARGARET. Dass weiss ich nicht. Sie ist schon vor zwei Tagen ins Bett -gegangen— - -A. My! how fliessend you speak! - -M. Danke schön—und sagte dass sie nicht wohl sei. - -A. Good! Oh, no, I don’t mean that! no—only lucky for _us_—glücklich, -you know I mean because it’ll be so much nicer to have them all to -ourselves. - -M. Oh, natürlich! Ja! Dass ziehe ich durchaus vor. Do you believe your -Meisterschaft will stay with you, Annie? - -A. Well, I know it _is_ with me—every last sentence of it; and a couple -of hods of Ollendorff, too, for emergencies. May be they’ll refuse to -deliver,—right off—at first, you know—der Verlegenheit wegen—aber ich -will sie später herausholen—when I get my hand in—und vergisst Du dass -nicht! - -M. Sei nicht grob, Liebste. What shall we talk about first—when they -come? - -A. Well—let me see. There’s shopping—and—all that about the trains, you -know,—and going to church—and—buying tickets to London, and Berlin, and -all around—and all that subjunctive stuff about the battle in -Afghanistan, and where the American was said to be born, and so -on—and—and ah—oh, there’s so _many_ things—I don’t think a body can -choose beforehand, because you know the circumstances and the atmosphere -always have so much to do in directing a conversation, especially a -German conversation, which is only a kind of an insurrection, any way. I -believe it’s best to just depend on Prov—(_Glancing at watch, and -gasping_)—half-past—seven! - -M. Oh, dear, I’m all of a tremble! Let’s get something ready, Annie! - -(_Both fall nervously to reciting_): Entschuldigen Sie, mein Herr, -können Sie mir vielleicht sagen wie ich nach dem norddeutschen Bahnhof -gehe? (_They repeat it several times, losing their grip and mixing it -all up._) - - (A knock.) - -BOTH. Herein! Oh, dear! O der heilige— - - Enter Gretchen. - -GRETCHEN (_Ruffled and indignant._) Entschuldigen Sie, meine gnädigsten -Fräulein, es sind zwei junge rasende Herren draussen, die herein wollen, -aber ich habe ihnen geschworen dass—(_Handing the cards._) - -M. Du liebe Zeit, they’re here! And of course down goes my back hair! -Stay and receive them, dear, while I—(_Leaving._) - -A. I—alone? I won’t! I’ll go with you! (_To_ G.) Lassen Sie die Herren -näher treten; und sagen Sie ihnen dass wir gleich zurückkommen werden. -(_Exit._) - -GR. (_Solus._) Was! Sie freuen sich darüber? Und ich sollte wirklich -diese Blödsinnigen, dies grobe Rindvieh hereinlassen? In den hülflosen -Umständen meiner gnädigen jungen Damen?—Unsinn! (_Pause—thinking._) -Wohlan! Ich werde sie mal beschützen! Sollte man nicht glauben, dass sie -einen Sparren zu viel hätten? (_Tapping her skull significantly._) Was -sie mir doch Alles gesagt haben! Der Eine: Guten Morgen! wie geht es -Ihrem Herrn Schwiegervater? Du liebe Zeit! Wie sollte ich einen -Schwiegervater haben können! Und der Andere: “Es thut mir sehr leid dass -Ihr Herr Vater meinen Bruder nicht gesehen hat, als er doch gestern in -dem Laden des deutschen Kaufmannes war!” Potztausendhimmelsdonnerwetter! -Oh, ich war ganz rasend! Wie ich aber rief: “Meine Herren, ich kenne Sie -nicht, und Sie kennen meinen Vater nicht, wissen Sie, denn er ist schon -lange durchgebrannt, und geht nicht beim Tage in einen Laden hinein, -wissen Sie,—und ich habe keinen Schwiegervater, Gott sei Dank, werde -auch nie einen kriegen, werde ueberhaupt, wissen Sie, ein solches Ding -nie haben, nie dulden, nie ausstehen: warum greifen Sie ein Mädchen an, -das nur Unschuld kennt, das Ihnen nie Etwas zu Leide gethan hat?” Dann -haben sie sich beide die Finger in die Ohren gesteckt und gebetet: -“Allmächtiger Gott! Erbarme Dich unser!” (_Pauses._) Nun, ich werde -schon diesen Schurken Einlass gönnen, aber ich werde ein Auge mit ihnen -haben, damit sie sich nicht wie reine Teufel geberden sollen. - -(_Exit, grumbling and shaking her head._) - - Enter William and George. - -W. My land, what a girl! and what an incredible gift of gabble!—kind of -patent climate-proof compensation-balance self-acting automatic -Meisterschaft—touch her button, and br-r-r! away she goes! - -GEO. Never heard anything like it; tongue journaled on ball-bearings! I -wonder what she said; seemed to be swearing, mainly. - -W. (_After mumbling Meisterschaft awhile._) Look here, George, this is -awful—come to think—this project: _we_ can’t talk this frantic language. - -GEO. I know it, Will, and it _is_ awful; but I can’t live without seeing -Margaret—I’ve endured it as long as I can. I should die if I tried to -hold out longer—and even German is preferable to death. - -W. (_Hesitatingly._) Well, I don’t know; it’s a matter of opinion. - -GEO. (_Irritably._) It isn’t a matter of opinion either. German _is_ -preferable to death. - -W. (_Reflectively._) Well, I don’t know—the problem is so sudden—but I -think you may be right: some kinds of death. It is more than likely that -a slow, lingering—well, now, there in Canada in the early times a couple -of centuries ago, the Indians would take a missionary and skin him, and -get some hot ashes and boiling water and one thing and another, and by -and by, that missionary—well, yes, I can see that, by and by, talking -German could be a pleasant change for him. - -GEO. Why, of course. Das versteht sich; but _you_ have to always think a -thing out, or you’re not satisfied. But let’s not go to bothering about -thinking out this present business; we’re here, we’re in for it; you are -as moribund to see Annie as I am to see Margaret; you know the terms: -we’ve got to speak German. Now stop your mooning and get at your -Meisterschaft; we’ve got nothing else in the world. - -W. Do you think that’ll see us through? - -GEO. Why it’s _got_ to. Suppose we wandered out of it and took a chance -at the language on our own responsibility, where the nation would we be? -Up a stump, that’s where. Our only safety is in sticking like wax to the -text. - -W. But what can we talk about? - -GEO. Why, anything that Meisterschaft talks about. It ain’t our affair. - -W. I know; but Meisterschaft talks about everything. - -GEO. And yet don’t talk about anything long enough for it to get -embarrassing. Meisterschaft is just splendid for general conversation. - -W. Yes, that’s so; but it’s so _blamed_ general! Won’t it sound foolish? - -GEO. Foolish? Why, of course; all German sounds foolish. - -W. Well, that is true; I didn’t think of that. - -GEO. Now, don’t fool around any more. Load up; load up; get ready. Fix -up some sentences; you’ll need them in two minutes now. - -(_They walk up and down, moving their lips in dumb-show memorizing._) - -W. Look here—when we’ve said all that’s in the book on a topic, and want -to change the subject, how can we say so?—how would a German say it? - -GEO. Well, I don’t know. But you know when they mean “Change cars,” they -say _Umsteigen_. Don’t you reckon that will answer? - -W. Tip-top! It’s short and goes right to the point; and it’s got a -business whang to it that’s almost American. Umsteigen!—change -subject!—why, it’s the very thing. - -GEO. All right, then, _you_ umsteigen—for I hear them coming. - - Enter the girls. - -A. TO W. (_With solemnity._) Guten morgen, mein Herr, es freut mich -sehr, Sie zu sehen. - -W. Guten morgen, mein Fräulein, es freut mich sehr Sie zu sehen. - -(_Margaret and George repeat the same sentences. Then, after an -embarrassing silence, Margaret refers to her book and says_:) - -M. Bitte, meine Herren, setzen Sie sich. - -THE GENTLEMEN. Danke schön. (_The four seat themselves in couples, the -width of the stage apart, and the two conversations begin. The talk is -not flowing—at any rate at first; there are painful silences all along. -Each couple worry out a remark and a reply: there is a pause of silent -thinking, and then the other couple deliver themselves._) - -W. Haben Sie meinen Vater in dem Laden meines Bruders nicht gesehen? - -A. Nein, mein Herr, ich habe Ihren Herrn Vater in dem Laden Ihres Herrn -Bruders nicht gesehen. - -GEO. Waren Sie gestern Abend im Koncert, oder im Theater? - -M. Nein, ich war gestern Abend nicht im Koncert, noch im Theater, ich -war gestern Abend zu Hause. - - General break-down—long pause. - -W. Ich störe doch nicht etwa? - -A. Sie stören mich durchaus nicht. - -GEO. Bitte, lassen Sie sich nicht von mir stören. - -M. Aber ich bitte Sie, Sie stören mich durchaus nicht. - -W. (_To both girls._) Wen wir Sie stören so gehen wir gleich wieder. - -A. O, nein! Gewiss, nein! - -M. Im Gegentheil, es freut uns sehr, Sie zu sehen—alle Beide. - -W. Schön! - -GEO. Gott sei dank! - -M. (_Aside._) It’s just lovely! - -A. (_Aside._) It’s like a poem. - - Pause. - -W. Umsteigen! - -M. Um—welches? - -W. Umsteigen. - -GEO. Auf English, change cars—oder subject. - -BOTH GIRLS. Wie schön! - -W. Wir haben uns die Freiheit genommen, bei Ihnen vorzusprechen. - -A. Sie sind sehr gütig. - -GEO. Wir wollten uns erkundigen, wie Sie sich befänden. - -M. Ich bin Ihnen sehr verbunden—meine Schwester auch. - -W. Meine Frau lasst sich Ihnen bestens empfehlen. - -A. Ihre _Frau_? - -W. (_Examining his book._) Vielleicht habe ich mich geirrt. (_Shows the -place._) Nein, gerade so sagt das Buch. - -A. (_Satisfied._) Ganz recht. Aber— - -W. Bitte empfehlen Sie mich Ihrem Herrn Bruder. - -A. Ah, dass ist viel besser—viel besser. (_Aside._) Wenigstens es wäre -viel besser wenn ich einen Bruder hätte. - -GEO. Wie ist es Ihnen gegangen, seitdem ich das Vergnügen hatte, Sie -anderswo zu sehen? - -M. Danke bestens, ich befinde mich gewöhnlich ziemlich wohl. - - Gretchen slips in with a gun, and listens. - -GEO. (_Still to Margaret._) Befindet sich Ihre Frau Gemahlin wohl? - -GR. (_Raising hands and eyes._) _Frau Gemahlin_—heiliger Gott! (_Is like -to betray herself with her smothered laughter and glides out._) - -M. Danke sehr, meine Frau ist ganz wohl. - - Pause. - -W. Dürfen wir vielleicht—umsteigen? - -THE OTHERS. Gut! - -GEO. (_Aside._) I feel better, now. I’m beginning to catch on. -(_Aloud._) Ich möchte gern morgen früh einige Einkäufe machen und würde -Ihnen sehr verbunden sein, wenn Sie mir den Gefallen thäten, mir die -Namen der besten hiesigen Firmen aufzuschreiben. - -M. (_Aside._) How sweet! - -W. (_Aside._) Hang it, _I_ was going to say that! That’s one of the -noblest things in the book. - -A. Ich möchte Sie gern begleiten, aber es ist mir wirklich heute Morgen -ganz unmöglich auszugehen. (_Aside._) It’s getting as easy as 9 times 7 -is 46. - -M. Sagen Sie dem Briefträger, wenn’s gefällig ist, er möchte Ihnen den -eingeschriebenen Brief geben lassen. - -W. Ich würde Ihnen sehr verbunden sein, wenn Sie diese Schachtel für -mich nach der Post tragen würden, da mir sehr daran liegt einen meiner -Geschäftsfreunde in dem Laden des deutschen Kaufmanns heute Abend -treffen zu können. (_Aside._) All down but nine; set ’m up on the other -alley! - -A. Aber Herr Jackson! Sie haben die Sätze gemischt. Es ist unbegreiflich -wie Sie das haben thun können. Zwischen Ihrem ersten Theil und Ihrem -letzten Theil haben Sie ganze fünfzig Seiten übergeschlagen! Jetzt bin -ich ganz verloren. Wie kann man reden, wenn man seinen Platz durchaus -nicht wieder finden kann? - -W. Oh, bitte, verzeihen Sie; ich habe dass wirklich nich beabsichtigt. - -A. (_Mollified._) Sehr wohl, lassen Sie gut sein. Aber thun Sie es nicht -wieder. Sie müssen ja doch einräumen, dass solche Dinge unerträgliche -Verwirrung mit sich führen. - -(_Gretchen slips in again with her gun._) - -W. Unzweifelhaft haben Sie Recht, meine holdselige Landsmännin..... -Umsteigen! - - (As George gets fairly into the following, Gretchen draws a bead on - him, and lets drive at the close, but the gun snaps.) - -GEO. Glauben Sie, dass ich ein hübsches Wohnzimmer für mich selbst und -ein kleines Schlafzimmer für meinen Sohn in diesem Hotel für fünfzehn -Mark die Woche bekommen kann, oder würden Sie mir rathen, in einer -Privatwohnung Logis zu nehmen? (_Aside._) That’s a daisy! - -GR. (_Aside._) Schade! (_She draws her charge and reloads._) - -M. Glauben Sie nicht Sie werden besser thun bei diesem Wetter zu Hause -zu bleiben? - -A. Freilich glaube ich, Herr Franklin, Sie werden sich erkälten, wenn -Sie bei diesem unbeständigen Wetter ohne Ueberrock ausgehen. - -GR. (_Relieved—aside._) So? Man redet von Ausgehen. Das klingt schon -besser. (_Sits._) - -W. (_To A._) Wie theuer haben Sie das gekauft? (_Indicating a part of -her dress._) - -A. Das hat achtzehn Mark gekostet. - -W. Das ist sehr theuer. - -GEO. Ja, obgleich dieser Stoff wunderschön ist und das Muster sehr -geschmackvoll und auch das Vorzüglichste dass es in dieser Art gibt, so -ist es doch furchtbar theuer für einen solchen Artikel. - -M. (_Aside._) How sweet is this communion of soul with soul! - -A. Im Gegentheil, mein Herr, das ist sehr billig. Sehen Sie sich nur die -Qualität an. - -(_They all examine it._) - -GEO. Möglicherweise ist es das allerneuste dass man in diesem Stoff hat; -aber das Muster gefällt mir nicht. - - (Pause.) - -W. Umsteigen! - -A. Welchen Hund haben Sie? Haben Sie den hübschen Hund des Kaufmanns, -oder den hässlichen Hund der Urgrossmutter des Lehrlings des -bogenbeinigen Zimmermanns? - -W. (_Aside._) Oh, come, she’s ringing in a cold deck on us: that’s -Ollendorff. - -GEO. Ich habe nicht den Hund des—des—(_Aside._) Stuck! That’s no -Meisterschaft; they don’t play fair. (_Aloud._) Ich habe nicht den Hund -des—des—In unserem Buche leider, gibt es keinen Hund; daher, ob ich auch -gern von solchen Thieren sprechen möchte, ist es mir doch unmöglich, -weil ich nicht vorbereitet bin. Entschuldigen Sie, meine Damen. - -GR. (_Aside._) Beim Teufel, sie sind _alle_ blödsinnig geworden. In -meinem Leben habe ich nie ein so närrisches, verfluchtes, verdammtes -Gespräch gehört. - -W. Bitte, umsteigen. - - (Run the following rapidly through.) - -M. (_Aside._) Oh, I’ve flushed an easy batch! (_Aloud._) Würden Sie mir -erlauben meine Reisetasche hier hinzustellen? - -Gr. (_Aside._) Wo ist seine Reisetasche? Ich sehe keine. - -W. Bitte sehr. - -GEO. Ist meine Reisetasche Ihnen im Wege? - -GR. (_Aside._) Und wo ist _seine_ Reisetasche? - -A. Erlauben Sie mir Sie von meiner Reisetasche zu befreien. - -Gr. (_Aside._) Du Esel! - -W. Ganz und gar nicht. (_To Geo._) Es ist sehr schwül in diesem Coupé. - -GR. (_Aside._) Coupé. - -GEO. Sie haben Recht. Erlauben Sie mir, gefälligst, das Fenster zu -öffnen. Ein wenig Luft würde uns gut thun. - -M. Wir fahren sehr rasch. - -A. Haben Sie den Namen jener Station gehört? - -W. Wie lange halten wir auf dieser Station an? - -GEO. Ich reise nach Dresden, Schaffner. Wo muss ich umsteigen? - -A. Sie steigen nicht um, Sie bleiben sitzen. - -GR. (_Aside._) Sie sind ja alle ganz und gar verrückt! Man denke sich -sie glauben dass sie auf der Eisenbahn reisen. - -GEO. (_Aside, to William_) Now brace up; pull all your confidence -together, my boy, and we’ll try that lovely good-bye business a flutter. -I think it’s about the gaudiest thing in the book, if you boom it right -along and don’t get left on a base. It’ll impress the girls. (_Aloud._) -Lassen Sie uns gehen: es ist schon sehr spät, und ich muss morgen ganz -früh aufstehen. - -GR. (_Aside-grateful._) Gott sei Dank dass sie endlich gehen. (_Sets her -gun aside._) - -W. (_To Geo._) Ich danke Ihnen höflichst für die Ehre die sie mir -erweisen, aber ich kann nicht länger bleiben. - -GEO. (_To W._) Entschuldigen Sie mich gütigst, aber ich kann wirklich -nicht länger bleiben. - - Gretchen looks on stupefied. - -W. (_To Geo._) Ich habe schon eine Einladung angenommen; ich kann -wirklich nicht länger bleiben. - - Gretchen fingers her gun again. - -GEO. (_To W._) Ich muss gehen. - -W. (_To Geo._) Wie! Sie wollen schon wieder gehen? Sie sind ja eben erst -gekommen. - -M. (_Aside_). It’s just music! - -A. (_Aside._) Oh, how lovely they do it! - -GEO. (_To W._) Also denken sie doch noch nicht an’s Gehen. - -W. (_To Geo._) Es thut mir unendlich leid, aber ich muss nach Hause. -Meine Frau wird sich wundern, was aus mir geworden ist. - -GEO. (_To W._) Meine Frau hat keine Ahnung wo ich bin: ich muss wirklich -jetzt fort. - -W. (_To Geo._) Dann will ich Sie nicht länger aufhalten; ich bedaure -sehr dass Sie uns einen so kurzen Besuch gemacht haben. - -GEO. (_To W._) Adieu—auf recht baldiges Wiedersehen. - -W. UMSTEIGEN! - - Great hand-clapping from the girls. - -M. (_Aside._) Oh, how perfect! how elegant! - -A. (_Aside._) Per-fectly enchanting! - -JOYOUS CHORUS. (_All._) Ich habe gehabt, du hast gehabt, er hat gehabt, -wir haben gehabt, ihr habt gehabt, sie haben gehabt. - - Gretchen faints, and tumbles from her chair, and the gun goes off - with a crash. Each girl, frightened, seizes the protecting hand of - her sweetheart. Gretchen scrambles up. Tableau. - -W. (_Takes out some money—beckons Gretchen to him. George adds money to -the pile._) Hübsches Mädchen (_giving her some of the coins_), hast Du -etwas gesehen? - -GR. (_Courtesy—aside._) Der Engel! (_Aloud—impressively._) Ich habe -nichts gesehen. - -W. (_More money._) Hast Du etwas gehört? - -GR. Ich habe nichts gehört. - -W. (_More money._) Und Morgen? - -GR. Morgen—wäre es nöthig—bin ich taub und blind. - -W. Unvergleichbares Mädchen! Und (_giving the rest of the money_) -darnach? - -GR. (_Deep courtesy—aside._) Erzengel! (_Aloud._) Darnach, mein -Gnädigster, betrachten Sie mich also _taub—blind—todt_! - -ALL. (_In chorus.—with reverent joy._) Ich habe gehabt, du hast gehabt, -er hat gehabt, wir haben gehabt, ihr habt gehabt, sie haben gehabt! - - - - - ACT III. - - - Three weeks later. - - - SCENE I. - - Enter Gretchen, and puts her shawl on a chair. - - Brushing around with the traditional feather-duster of the drama. - Smartly dressed, for she is prosperous. - -GR. Wie hätte man sich das vorstellen können! In nur drei Wochen bin ich -schon reich geworden! (_Gets out of her pocket handful after handful of -silver, which she piles on the table, and proceeds to re-pile and count, -occasionally ringing or biting a piece to try its quality._) Oh, dass -(_with a sigh_) die Frau Wirthin nur _ewig_ krank bliebe!.... Diese -edlen jungen Männer—sie sind ja so liebenswürdig! Und so fleissig!—und -so treu! Jeden Morgen kommen sie gerade um drei Viertel auf neun; und -plaudern und schwatzen, und plappern, und schnattern, die jungen Damen -auch; um Schlage zwölf nehmen sie Abschied; um Schlage eins kommen sie -schon wieder, und plaudern und schwatzen und plappern und schnattern; -gerade um sechs Uhr nehmen sie wiederum Abschied; um halb acht kehren -sie noch’emal zurück, und plaudern und schwatzen und plappern und -schnattern bis zehn Uhr, oder vielleicht ein Viertel nach, falls ihre -Uhren nach gehen (und stets gehen sie nach am Ende des Besuchs, aber -stets vor Beginn desselben), und zuweilen unterhalten sich die jungen -Leute beim Spazierengehen; und jeden Sonntag gehen sie dreimal in die -Kirche; und immer plaudern sie, und schwatzen und plappern und -schnattern bis ihnen die Zähnen aus dem Munde fallen. Und _ich_? Durch -Mangel an Uebung, ist mir die Zunge mit Moos belegt worden! Freilich -ist’s mir eine dumme Zeit gewesen. Aber—um Gottes willen, was geht das -mir an? Was soll ich daraus machen? Täglich sagt die Frau Wirthin -“Gretchen” (_dumb-show of paying a piece of money into her hand_), “du -bist eine der besten Sprach-Lehrerinnen der Welt!” Ach, Gott! Und -täglich sagen die edlen jungen Männer, “Gretchen, liebes Kind” -(_money-paying again in dumb-show—three coins_), “bleib’ -taub—blind—todt!” und so bleibe ich.... Jetzt wird es ungefähr neun Uhr -sein; bald kommen sie vom Spaziergehen zurück. Also, es wäre gut dass -ich meinem eigenen Schatz einen Besuch abstatte und spazieren gehe. -(_Dons her shawl._) - - Exit. L. - - Enter Wirthin. R. - -WIRTHIN. That was Mr. Stephenson’s train that just came in. Evidently -the girls are out walking with Gretchen;—can’t find _them_, and _she_ -doesn’t seem to be around. (_A ring at the door._) That’s him. I’ll go -see. - - Exit. R. - - Enter Stephenson and Wirthin. R. - -S. Well, how does sickness seem to agree with you? - -WIRTHIN. So well that I’ve never been out of my room since, till I heard -your train come in. - -S. Thou miracle of fidelity! Now I argue from that, that the new plan is -working. - -WIRTHIN. Working? Mr. Stephenson, you never saw anything like it in the -whole course of your life! It’s absolutely wonderful the way it works. - -S. Succeeds? No—you don’t mean it. - -WIRTHIN. Indeed I do mean it. I tell you, Mr. Stephenson, that plan was -just an inspiration—that’s what it was. You could teach a cat German by -it. - -S. Dear me, this is noble news! Tell me about it. - -WIRTHIN. Well, it’s all Gretchen—every bit of it. I told you she was a -jewel. And then the sagacity of that child—why, I never dreamed it was -in her. Sh-she, “Never you ask the young ladies a question—never let -on—just keep mum—leave the whole thing to me,” sh-she. - -S. Good! And she justified, did she? - -WIRTHIN. Well, sir, the amount of German gabble that that child crammed -into those two girls inside the next forty-eight hours—well, _I_ was -satisfied! So I’ve never asked a question—never _wanted_ to ask any. -I’ve just lain curled up there, happy. The little dears! they’ve flitted -in to see me a moment, every morning and noon and supper-time; and as -sure as I’m sitting here, inside of six days they were clattering German -to me like a house afire! - -S. Sp-lendid, splendid! - -WIRTHIN. Of course it ain’t grammatical—the inventor of the language -can’t talk grammatical; if the Dative didn’t fetch him the Accusative -would; but it’s German all the same, and don’t you forget it! - -S. Go on—go on—this is delicious news— - -WIRTHIN. Gretchen, she says to me at the start, “Never you mind about -company for ’em,” sh-she—“I’m company enough.” And I says, “All -right—fix it your own way, child and that she _was_ right is shown by -the fact that to this day they don’t care a straw for any company but -hers.” - -S. Dear me; why, it’s admirable! - -WIRTHIN. Well, I should think so! They just dote on that hussy—can’t -seem to get enough of her. Gretchen tells me so herself. And the care -she takes of them! She tells me that every time there’s a moonlight -night she coaxes them out for a walk; and if a body can believe her, she -actually bullies them off to church three times every Sunday! - -S. Why, the little dev—missionary! Really, she’s a genius! - -WIRTHIN. She’s a bud, _I_ tell you! Dear me, how she’s brought those -girls’ health up! Cheeks?—just roses. Gait?—they walk on watch-springs! -And happy?—by the bliss in their eyes, you’d think they’re in Paradise! -Ah, that Gretchen! Just you imagine _our_ trying to achieve these -marvels! - -S. You’re right—every time. Those girls—why, all they’d have wanted to -know was what we wanted done—and then they wouldn’t have _done_ it—the -mischievous young rascals! - -WIRTHIN. Don’t tell _me_? Bless you, I found that out early—when _I_ was -bossing. - -S. Well, I’m im-mensely pleased. _Now_ fetch them down. I’m not afraid -now. They won’t want to go home. - -WIRTHIN. Home! I don’t believe you could drag them away from Gretchen -with nine span of horses. But if you want to see them, put on your hat -and come along; they’re out somewhere trapsing along with Gretchen. -(GOING.) - -S. I’m with you—lead on. - -WIRTHIN. We’ll go out the side door. It’s toward the Anlage. - - Exit both. L. - - Enter George and Margaret. R. - - Her head lies upon his shoulder, his arm is about her waist; they - are steeped in sentiment. - -M. (_Turning a fond face up at him._) Du Engel! - -G. Liebste! (_Kiss._) - -M. Oh, das Liedchen dass Du mir gewidmet hast—es ist so schön, so -wunderschön. Wie hätte ich je geahnt dass Du ein Poet wärest! - -G. Mein Schätzchen!—es ist mir lieb wenn Dir die Kleinigkeit gefällt. - -M. Ah, es ist mit der zärtlichsten Musik gefüllt—klingt ja so süss und -selig—wie das Flüstern des Sommerwindes die Abenddämmerung hindurch. -Wieder,—Theuerste!—sag’ es wieder. - - G. Du bist wie eine Blume!— - So schön und hold und rein— - Ich schau Dich an, und Wehmuth - Schleicht mir ins Herz hinein. - Mir ist als ob ich die Hände - Aufs Haupt Dir legen sollt, - Betend dass Gott Dich erhalte, - So rein und schön und hold. - - M. A-ch! (_Dumb-show sentimentalisms._) Georgie— - -G. Kindchen! - -M. Warum kommen sie nicht? - -G. Dass weiss ich gar nicht. Sie waren— - -M. Es wird spät. Wir müssen sie antreiben. Komm! - -G. Ich glaube sie werden recht bald ankommen, aber— - - Exit both. L. - - Enter Gretchen, R., in a state of mind. Slumps into a chair limp - with despair. - -GR. Ach! was wird jetzt aus mir werden! Zufällig habe ich in der Ferne -den verdammten Papa gesehen!—und die Frau Wirthin auch! Oh, diese -Erscheinung,—die hat mir beinahe das Leben genommen. Sie suchen die -jungen Damen—das weiss ich wenn sie diese und die jungen Herren zusammen -fänden—du heiliger Gott! Wenn das geschieht, wären wir Alle ganz und gar -verloren! Ich muss sie gleich finden, und ihr eine Warnung geben! - - Exit. L. - - Enter Annie and Will. R. - - Posed like the former couple and sentimental. - -A. Ich liebe Dich schon so sehr—Deiner edlen Natur wegen. Dass du dazu -auch ein Dichter bist!—ach, mein Leben ist uebermässig reich geworden! -Wer hätte sich doch einbilden können dass ich einen Mann zu einem so -wunderschönen Gedicht hätte begeistern können! - -W. Liebste! Es ist nur eine Kleinigkeit. - -A. Nein, nein, es ist ein echtes Wunder! Sage es noch einmal—ich flehe -Dich an. - - W. Du bist wie eine Blume!— - So schön und hold und rein— - Ich schau Dich an, und Wehmuth - Schleicht mir ins Herz hinein. - Mir ist als ob ich die Hände - Aufs Haupt Dir legen sollt, - Betend dass Gott Dich erhalte, - So rein und schön und hold. - - A. Ach, es ist himmlisch—einfach himmlisch. (_Kiss._) Schreibt auch -George Gedichte? - -W. Oh, ja—zuweilen. - -A. Wie schön! - -W. (_Aside._) Smouches ’em, same as I do! It was a noble good idea to -play that little thing on her. George wouldn’t ever think of -that—somehow he never had any invention. - -A. (_Arranging chairs._) Jetzt will ich bei Dir sitzen bleiben, und Du— - -W. (_They sit._) Ja,—und ich— - -A. Du wirst mir die alte Geschichte die immer neu bleibt, noch wieder -erzählen. - -W. Zum Beispiel, dass ich Dich liebe! - -A. Wieder! - -W. Ich—sie kommen! - - Enter George and Margaret. - -A. Das macht nichts. Fortan! - -(_George unties M.’s bonnet. She re-ties his cravat—interspersings of -love-pats, etc., and dumb-show of love-quarrelings._) - -W. Ich liebe Dich. - -A. Ach! Noch einmal! - -W. Ich habe Dich von Herzen lieb. - -A. Ach! Abermals! - -W. Bist Du denn noch nicht satt? - -A. Nein! (_The other couple sit down, and Margaret begins a re-tying of -the cravat. Enter the Wirthin and Stephenson, he imposing silence with a -sign._) Mich hungert sehr, ich _ver_hungre! - -W. Oh, Du armes Kind! (_Lays her head on his shoulder. Dumb-show between -Stephenson and Wirthin._) Und hungert es nicht mich? Du hast mir nicht -einmal gesagt— - -A. Dass ich Dich liebe? Mein Eigener! (_Frau Wirthin threatens to -faint—is supported by Stephenson._) Höre mich nur an: Ich liebe Dich, -ich liebe Dich— - - Enter Gretchen. - -GR. (_Tears her hair._) Oh, dass ich in der Hölle wäre! - -M. Ich liebe Dich, ich liebe Dich! Ah, ich bin so glücklich dass ich -nicht schlafen kann, nicht lesen kann, nicht reden kann, nicht— - -A. Und ich! Ich bin auch so glücklich dass ich nicht speisen kann, nicht -studieren, arbeiten, denken, schreiben— - -STEPHENSON. (_To Wirthin—aside._) Oh, there isn’t any mistake about -it—Gretchen’s just a rattling teacher! - -WIRTHIN. (_To Stephenson—aside._) I’ll skin her alive when I get my -hands on her! - -M. Kommt, alle Verliebte! (_They jump up, join hands, and sing in -chorus_)— - - Du, Du, wie ich Dich liebe, - Du, Du, liebst auch mich! - Die, die zärtlichsten Triebe— - -S. (_Stepping forward._) Well! - - The girls throw themselves upon his neck with enthusiasm. - -THE GIRLS. Why, father! - -S. My darlings! - - The young men hesitate a moment, then they add their embrace, - flinging themselves on Stephenson’s neck, along with the girls. - -THE YOUNG MEN. Why, father! - -S. (_Struggling._) Oh come, this is too thin!—too quick, I mean. Let go, -you rascals! - -GEO. We’ll never let go till you put us on the family list. - -M. Right! hold to him! - -A. Cling to him, Will! - - Gretchen rushes in and joins the general embrace, but is snatched - away by the Wirthin, crushed up against the wall and threatened with - destruction. - -S. (_Suffocating._) All right, all right—have it your own way, you -quartette of swindlers! - -W. He’s a darling! Three cheers for papa! - -EVERYBODY. (_Except Stephenson who bows with hand on heart._) -Hip—hip—hip: hurrah, hurrah, hurrah! - -GR. Der Tiger—ah-h-h! - -WIRTHIN. Sei ruhig, you hussy! - -S. Well, I’ve lost a couple of precious daughters, but I’ve gained a -couple of precious scamps to fill up the gap with; so it’s all right. -I’m satisfied, and everybody’s forgiven—(_With mock threats at -Gretchen._) - -W. Oh, wir werden für Dich sorgen—du herrliches Gretchen! - -GR. Danke schön! - -M. (_To Wirthin._) Und für Sie auch; denn wenn Sie nicht so freundlich -gewesen wären, krank zu werden, wie wären wir je so glücklich geworden -wie jetzt? - -WIRTHIN. Well, dear, I _was_ kind, but I didn’t mean it. But I ain’t -sorry—not one bit—that I ain’t. - - Tableau. - -S. Come now, the situation is full of hope, and grace, and tender -sentiment. If I had in the least the poetic gift, I know I could -improvise under such an inspiration (_each girl nudges her sweetheart_) -something worthy to—to—is there no poet among us? - - Each youth turns solemnly his back upon the other and raises his - hands in benediction over his sweetheart’s bowed head. - - Both youths at once. - - Mir ist als ob ich die Hände - Aufs Haupt Dir legen sollt— - - They turn and look reproachfully at each other—the girls contemplate - them with injured surprise. - -S. (_Reflectively._) I think I’ve heard that before somewhere. - -WIRTHIN. _(Aside._) Why the very cats in Germany know it! - - - Curtain. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - -_Price-List of Publications issued by_ - - _CHARLES L. 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Fine cloth, gilt stamp, $2.00. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - TRANSCRIBER’S NOTES - - - 1. P. 171, changed “Entchluss” to “Entschluss”. - 2. P. 175, changed “fleissend” to “fliessend”. - 3. P. 177, changed “norddeutchen” to “norddeutschen”. - 4. P. 178, changed “Ihrer” to “Ihr”. - 5. P. 185, changed “hätte” to “hatte”. - 6. P. 187, changed “Ihnen” to “Sie”. - 7. P. 187, changed “Brieftäger, wenn’s gefällig ist, er möchte Ihnen - den ein geschriebenen” to “Briefträger, wenn’s gefällig ist, er - möchte Ihnen den eingeschriebenen”. - 8. P. 187, changed “deutchen” to “deutschen”. - 9. P. 191, changed “Coupè” to “Coupé”. -10. P. 191, changed “got” to “gut”. -11. P. 194 and 195, changed “habet” to “habt”. -12. P. 194, changed “mien gnädgister” to “mein Gnädigster”. -13. P. 201, changed “Poët” to “Poet”. -14. P. 203, changed “sich schon so sehr—Deiner edlen Natur wegen. Dass - du dazu auch ein Dichter bist!—ach, mein Leben ist uebermässig - reich geworden! Wir” to “Dich schon so sehr—Deiner edlen Natur - wegen. Dass du dazu auch ein Dichter bist!—ach, mein Leben ist - uebermässig reich geworden! Wer”. -15. P. 206, changed “Komm” to “Kommt”. -16. P. 208, changed “Aus” to “Aufs”. -17. Silently corrected typographical errors and variations in spelling. -18. Anachronistic, non-standard, and uncertain spellings retained as - printed. -19. Footnotes have been re-indexed using numbers. -20. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll -have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using -this ebook. - - - -Title: Merry Tales - -Author: Mark Twain - -Release Date: December 10, 2019 [EBook #60900] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MERRY TALES *** - - - - -Produced by Richard Tonsing and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<div class='tnotes covernote'> - -<p class='c000'><b>Transcriber’s Note:</b></p> - -<p class='c000'>The cover image was created by the transcriber and is placed in the public domain.</p> - -</div> - -<div class='section ph1'> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c001'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>Fiction, Fact, and Fancy Series</span></div> - <div class='c002'><span class='large'><span class='sc'>Edited by Arthur Stedman</span></span></div> - <div class='c003'>MERRY TALES</div> - </div> -</div> - -</div> - -<div class='box'> - -<div class='section ph2'> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c004'> - <div>Fiction, Fact, and Fancy Series.</div> - </div> -</div> - -</div> - -<p class='c005'>MERRY TALES.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c006'> - <div><span class='sc'>By Mark Twain.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c007'>THE GERMAN EMPEROR AND HIS EASTERN -NEIGHBORS.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c006'> - <div><span class='sc'>By Poultney Bigelow.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c007'>SELECTED POEMS.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c006'> - <div><span class='sc'>By Walt Whitman.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c007'>DON FINIMONDONE: CALABRIAN -SKETCHES.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c006'> - <div><span class='sc'>By Elisabeth Cavazza.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c008'> - <div><em>Other Volumes to be Announced.</em></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c009'> - <div>Bound in Illuminated Cloth, each, 75 Cents.</div> - <div class='c002'>⁂ <em>For Sale by all Booksellers, or sent postpaid, on receipt of price, by the Publishers</em>,</div> - <div class='c002'>CHAS. L. WEBSTER & CO., NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -</div> - -<div class='titlepage'> - -<div> - <h1 class='c010'>MERRY TALES</h1> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c002'> - <div>BY</div> - <div class='c002'><span class='xlarge'>MARK TWAIN</span></div> - <div class='c003'><span class='large'>New York</span></div> - <div><span class='large'>CHARLES L. WEBSTER & CO.</span></div> - <div>1892</div> - </div> -</div> - -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c001'> - <div>Copyright, 1892,</div> - <div>CHARLES L. WEBSTER & CO.</div> - <div>(<em>All rights reserved.</em>)</div> - <div class='c003'>PRESS OF</div> - <div><span class='sc'>Jenkins & McCowan</span>,</div> - <div>NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c002' /> -</div> -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_v'>v</span> - <h2 class='c011'>EDITOR’S NOTE.</h2> -</div> - -<p class='c012'>The projector of this Series has had in mind the -evident desire of our people, largely occupied with material -affairs, for reading in a shape adapted to the amount -of time at their disposal. Until recently this desire has -been satisfied chiefly from foreign sources. Many reprints -and translations of the little classics of other -literatures than our own have been made, and much -good has been done in this way. On the other hand, -a great deal of rubbish has been distributed in the same -fashion, to the undoubted injury of our popular taste.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Now that a reasonable copyright law allows the publication -of the better class of native literature at moderate -prices, it has seemed fitting that these volumes -should consist mainly of works by American writers. -As its title indicates, the “Fiction, Fact, and Fancy -Series” will include not only fiction and poetry, but -such essays, monographs, and biographical sketches as -may appear, from time to time, to be called for.</p> - -<p class='c013'>To no writer can the term “American” more justly -be applied than to the humorist whose “Merry Tales” -are here presented. It was in an effort to devise -some novel method of bringing these stories, new and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_vi'>vi</span>old, before the public, that this Series had its origin. -But, aside from this, those among us who can gather -figs of thistles are so few in number as to make their -presence eminently desirable.</p> - -<div class='lg-container-l'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span class='sc'>New York</span>, March, 1892.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c012'><em>Acknowledgment should be made to the Century Company, -and to Messrs. Harper & Brothers, for kind permission -to reprint several of these stories from the “Century” -and “Harper’s Magazine.”</em></p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_vii'>vii</span> - <h2 class='c011'>CONTENTS.</h2> -</div> - -<table class='table0' summary='CONTENTS'> - <tr> - <th class='c014'></th> - <th class='c015'><span class='small'>PAGE</span></th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c014'><span class='sc'>The Private History of a Campaign that Failed</span>,</td> - <td class='c015'><a href='#Page_9'>9</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c014'><span class='sc'>The Invalid’s Story</span>,</td> - <td class='c015'><a href='#Page_51'>51</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c014'><span class='sc'>Luck</span>,</td> - <td class='c015'><a href='#Page_66'>66</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c014'><span class='sc'>The Captain’s Story</span>,</td> - <td class='c015'><a href='#Page_76'>76</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c014'><span class='sc'>A Curious Experience</span>,</td> - <td class='c015'><a href='#Page_85'>85</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c014'><span class='sc'>Mrs. McWilliams and the Lightning</span>,</td> - <td class='c015'><a href='#Page_144'>144</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c014'><span class='sc'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span></span>,</td> - <td class='c015'><a href='#Page_161'>161</a></td> - </tr> -</table> - -<div class='section ph1'> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c001'> - <div>MERRY TALES.</div> - </div> -</div> - -</div> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_9'>9</span> - <h2 class='c011'>THE PRIVATE HISTORY OF A CAMPAIGN THAT FAILED.</h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c016'>You have heard from a great many people -who did something in the war; is it not -fair and right that you listen a little moment -to one who started out to do something in it, -but didn’t? Thousands entered the war, got -just a taste of it, and then stepped out again, -permanently. These, by their very numbers, -are respectable, and are therefore entitled to a -sort of voice,—not a loud one, but a modest -one; not a boastful one, but an apologetic one. -They ought not to be allowed much space -among better people—people who did something—I -grant that; but they ought at least to -be allowed to state why they didn’t do anything, -and also to explain the process by which -they didn’t do anything. Surely this kind of -light must have a sort of value.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_10'>10</span>Out West there was a good deal of confusion -in men’s minds during the first months of the -great trouble—a good deal of unsettledness, -of leaning first this way, then that, then the -other way. It was hard for us to get our -bearings. I call to mind an instance of this. -I was piloting on the Mississippi when the news -came that South Carolina had gone out of the -Union on the 20th of December, 1860. My -pilot-mate was a New Yorker. He was strong -for the Union; so was I. But he would not -listen to me with any patience; my loyalty was -smirched, to his eye, because my father had -owned slaves. I said, in palliation of this dark -fact, that I had heard my father say, some -years before he died, that slavery was a great -wrong, and that he would free the solitary negro -he then owned if he could think it right to -give away the property of the family when he -was so straitened in means. My mate retorted -that a mere impulse was nothing—anybody -could pretend to a good impulse; and went on -decrying my Unionism and libeling my ancestry. -A month later the secession atmosphere -<span class='pageno' id='Page_11'>11</span>had considerably thickened on the Lower Mississippi, -and I became a rebel; so did he. We -were together in New Orleans, the 26th of January, -when Louisiana went out of the Union. -He did his full share of the rebel shouting, but -was bitterly opposed to letting me do mine. -He said that I came of bad stock—of a father -who had been willing to set slaves free. In the -following summer he was piloting a Federal -gun-boat and shouting for the Union again, -and I was in the Confederate army. I held his -note for some borrowed money. He was one -of the most upright men I ever knew; but he -repudiated that note without hesitation, because -I was a rebel, and the son of a man who -owned slaves.</p> - -<p class='c013'>In that summer—of 1861—the first wash of -the wave of war broke upon the shores of Missouri. -Our State was invaded by the Union -forces. They took possession of St. Louis, Jefferson -Barracks, and some other points. The -Governor, Claib Jackson, issued his proclamation -calling out fifty thousand militia to repel -the invader.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_12'>12</span>I was visiting in the small town where my -boyhood had been spent—Hannibal, Marion -County. Several of us got together in a secret -place by night and formed ourselves into -a military company. One Tom Lyman, a -young fellow of a good deal of spirit but of -no military experience, was made captain; I -was made second lieutenant. We had no first -lieutenant; I do not know why; it was long -ago. There were fifteen of us. By the advice -of an innocent connected with the organization, -we called ourselves the Marion Rangers. -I do not remember that any one found fault -with the name. I did not; I thought it sounded -quite well. The young fellow who proposed -this title was perhaps a fair sample of the kind -of stuff we were made of. He was young, ignorant, -good-natured, well-meaning, trivial, -full of romance, and given to reading chivalric -novels and singing forlorn love-ditties. He -had some pathetic little nickel-plated aristocratic -instincts, and detested his name, which -was Dunlap; detested it, partly because it -was nearly as common in that region as Smith, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_13'>13</span>but mainly because it had a plebeian sound to -his ear. So he tried to ennoble it by writing -it in this way: <em>d’Unlap</em>. That contented his -eye, but left his ear unsatisfied, for people gave -the new name the same old pronunciation—emphasis -on the front end of it. He then did -the bravest thing that can be imagined,—a -thing to make one shiver when one remembers -how the world is given to resenting shams -and affectations; he began to write his name so: -<em>d’Un Lap</em>. And he waited patiently through -the long storm of mud that was flung at this -work of art, and he had his reward at last; for -he lived to see that name accepted, and the -emphasis put where he wanted it, by people -who had known him all his life, and to whom -the tribe of Dunlaps had been as familiar as -the rain and the sunshine for forty years. So -sure of victory at last is the courage that can -wait. He said he had found, by consulting -some ancient French chronicles, that the name -was rightly and originally written d’Un Lap; -and said that if it were translated into English -it would mean Peterson: <em>Lap</em>, Latin or Greek, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_14'>14</span>he said, for stone or rock, same as the French -<i><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">pierre</span></i>, that is to say, Peter; <em>d’</em>, of or from; -<em>un</em>, a or one; hence, d’Un Lap, of or from a -stone or a Peter; that is to say, one who is -the son of a stone, the son of a Peter—Peterson. -Our militia company were not learned, -and the explanation confused them; so they -called him Peterson Dunlap. He proved useful -to us in his way; he named our camps for -us, and he generally struck a name that was -“no slouch,” as the boys said.</p> - -<p class='c013'>That is one sample of us. Another was Ed -Stevens, son of the town jeweler,—trim-built, -handsome, graceful, neat as a cat; bright, educated, -but given over entirely to fun. There -was nothing serious in life to him. As far as -he was concerned, this military expedition of -ours was simply a holiday. I should say that -about half of us looked upon it in the same way; -not consciously, perhaps, but unconsciously. -We did not think; we were not capable of it. -As for myself, I was full of unreasoning joy to -be done with turning out of bed at midnight -and four in the morning, for a while; grateful -<span class='pageno' id='Page_15'>15</span>to have a change, new scenes, new occupations, -a new interest. In my thoughts that -was as far as I went; I did not go into -the details; as a rule one doesn’t at twenty-four.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Another sample was Smith, the blacksmith’s -apprentice. This vast donkey had some pluck, -of a slow and sluggish nature, but a soft heart; -at one time he would knock a horse down for -some impropriety, and at another he would -get homesick and cry. However, he had one -ultimate credit to his account which some of -us hadn’t: he stuck to the war, and was killed -in battle at last.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Jo Bowers, another sample, was a huge, -good-natured, flax-headed lubber; lazy, sentimental, -full of harmless brag, a grumbler by -nature; an experienced, industrious, ambitious, -and often quite picturesque liar, and yet not a -successful one, for he had had no intelligent -training, but was allowed to come up just any -way. This life was serious enough to him, -and seldom satisfactory. But he was a good -fellow anyway, and the boys all liked him. He -<span class='pageno' id='Page_16'>16</span>was made orderly sergeant; Stevens was made -corporal.</p> - -<p class='c013'>These samples will answer—and they are -quite fair ones. Well, this herd of cattle started -for the war. What could you expect of them? -They did as well as they knew how, but really -what was justly to be expected of them? Nothing, -I should say. That is what they did.</p> - -<p class='c013'>We waited for a dark night, for caution and -secrecy were necessary; then, toward midnight, -we stole in couples and from various directions -to the Griffith place, beyond the town; -from that point we set out together on foot. -Hannibal lies at the extreme southeastern -corner of Marion County, on the Mississippi -River; our objective point was the hamlet of -New London, ten miles away, in Ralls County.</p> - -<p class='c013'>The first hour was all fun, all idle nonsense -and laughter. But that could not be kept up. -The steady trudging came to be like work; the -play had somehow oozed out of it; the stillness -of the woods and the somberness of the night -began to throw a depressing influence over the -spirits of the boys, and presently the talking -<span class='pageno' id='Page_17'>17</span>died out and each person shut himself up in his -own thoughts. During the last half of the -second hour nobody said a word.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Now we approached a log farm-house where, -according to report, there was a guard of five -Union soldiers. Lyman called a halt; and -there, in the deep gloom of the overhanging -branches, he began to whisper a plan of assault -upon that house, which made the gloom -more depressing than it was before. It was a -crucial moment; we realized, with a cold suddenness, -that here was no jest—we were standing -face to face with actual war. We were -equal to the occasion. In our response there -was no hesitation, no indecision: we said -that if Lyman wanted to meddle with those -soldiers, he could go ahead and do it; but if he -waited for us to follow him, he would wait a -long time.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Lyman urged, pleaded, tried to shame us, -but it had no effect. Our course was plain, our -minds were made up: we would flank the farm-house—go -out around. And that is what we did.</p> - -<p class='c013'>We struck into the woods and entered upon -<span class='pageno' id='Page_18'>18</span>a rough time, stumbling over roots, getting -tangled in vines, and torn by briers. At last -we reached an open place in a safe region, and -sat down, blown and hot, to cool off and nurse -our scratches and bruises. Lyman was annoyed, -but the rest of us were cheerful; we had flanked -the farm-house, we had made our first military -movement, and it was a success; we had -nothing to fret about, we were feeling just the -other way. Horse-play and laughing began -again; the expedition was become a holiday -frolic once more.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Then we had two more hours of dull trudging -and ultimate silence and depression; then, -about dawn, we straggled into New London, -soiled, heel-blistered, fagged with our little -march, and all of us except Stevens in a sour -and raspy humor and privately down on the -war. We stacked our shabby old shot-guns in -Colonel Ralls’s barn, and then went in a body -and breakfasted with that veteran of the Mexican -War. Afterwards he took us to a distant -meadow, and there in the shade of a tree we -listened to an old-fashioned speech from him, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_19'>19</span>full of gunpowder and glory, full of that adjective-piling, -mixed metaphor, and windy declamation -which was regarded as eloquence in -that ancient time and that remote region; and -then he swore us on the Bible to be faithful to -the State of Missouri and drive all invaders -from her soil, no matter whence they might -come or under what flag they might march. -This mixed us considerably, and we could not -make out just what service we were embarked -in; but Colonel Ralls, the practiced politician -and phrase-juggler, was not similarly in doubt; -he knew quite clearly that he had invested us -in the cause of the Southern Confederacy. He -closed the solemnities by belting around me -the sword which his neighbor, Colonel Brown, -had worn at Buena Vista and Molino del Rey; -and he accompanied this act with another impressive -blast.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Then we formed in line of battle and marched -four miles to a shady and pleasant piece of -woods on the border of the far-reaching expanses -of a flowery prairie. It was an enchanting -region for war—our kind of war.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_20'>20</span>We pierced the forest about half a mile, and -took up a strong position, with some low, rocky, -and wooded hills behind us, and a purling, -limpid creek in front. Straightway half the -command were in swimming, and the other -half fishing. The ass with the French name -gave this position a romantic title, but it was -too long, so the boys shortened and simplified -it to Camp Ralls.</p> - -<p class='c013'>We occupied an old maple-sugar camp, -whose half-rotted troughs were still propped -against the trees. A long corn-crib served for -sleeping quarters for the battalion. On our -left, half a mile away, was Mason’s farm and -house; and he was a friend to the cause. -Shortly after noon the farmers began to arrive -from several directions, with mules and horses -for our use, and these they lent us for as long -as the war might last, which they judged would -be about three months. The animals were of -all sizes, all colors, and all breeds. They were -mainly young and frisky, and nobody in the -command could stay on them long at a time; -for we were town boys, and ignorant of horsemanship. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_21'>21</span>The creature that fell to my share -was a very small mule, and yet so quick and -active that it could throw me without difficulty; -and it did this whenever I got on it. Then it -would bray—stretching its neck out, laying its -ears back, and spreading its jaws till you could -see down to its works. It was a disagreeable -animal, in every way. If I took it by the bridle -and tried to lead it off the grounds, it would sit -down and brace back, and no one could budge -it. However, I was not entirely destitute of -military resources, and I did presently manage -to spoil this game; for I had seen many a steamboat -aground in my time, and knew a trick or -two which even a grounded mule would be -obliged to respect. There was a well by the -corn-crib; so I substituted thirty fathom of -rope for the bridle, and fetched him home with -the windlass.</p> - -<p class='c013'>I will anticipate here sufficiently to say that -we did learn to ride, after some days’ practice, -but never well. We could not learn to like -our animals; they were not choice ones, and -most of them had annoying peculiarities of -<span class='pageno' id='Page_22'>22</span>one kind or another. Stevens’s horse would -carry him, when he was not noticing, under -the huge excrescences which form on the -trunks of oak-trees, and wipe him out of the -saddle; in this way Stevens got several bad -hurts. Sergeant Bowers’s horse was very large -and tall, with slim, long legs, and looked like -a railroad bridge. His size enabled him to -reach all about, and as far as he wanted to, -with his head; so he was always biting Bowers’s -legs. On the march, in the sun, Bowers -slept a good deal; and as soon as the horse -recognized that he was asleep he would reach -around and bite him on the leg. His legs were -black and blue with bites. This was the only -thing that could ever make him swear, but this -always did; whenever the horse bit him he -always swore, and of course Stevens, who -laughed at everything, laughed at this, and -would even get into such convulsions over it -as to lose his balance and fall off his horse; -and then Bowers, already irritated by the pain -of the horse-bite, would resent the laughter -with hard language, and there would be a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_23'>23</span>quarrel; so that horse made no end of trouble -and bad blood in the command.</p> - -<p class='c013'>However, I will get back to where I was—our -first afternoon in the sugar camp. The -sugar-troughs came very handy as horse-troughs, -and we had plenty of corn to fill them -with. I ordered Sergeant Bowers to feed my -mule; but he said that if I reckoned he went -to war to be dry-nurse to a mule, it wouldn’t -take me very long to find out my mistake. I -believed that this was insubordination, but I -was full of uncertainties about everything military, -and so I let the thing pass, and went and -ordered Smith, the blacksmith’s apprentice, to -feed the mule; but he merely gave me a large, -cold, sarcastic grin, such as an ostensibly -seven-year-old horse gives you when you lift -his lip and find he is fourteen, and turned his -back on me. I then went to the captain, and -asked if it was not right and proper and military -for me to have an orderly. He said it -was, but as there was only one orderly in the -corps, it was but right that he himself should -have Bowers on his staff. Bowers said he -<span class='pageno' id='Page_24'>24</span>wouldn’t serve on anybody’s staff; and if anybody -thought he could make him, let him try -it. So, of course, the thing had to be dropped; -there was no other way.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Next, nobody would cook; it was considered -a degradation; so we had no dinner. -We lazied the rest of the pleasant afternoon -away, some dozing under the trees, some -smoking cob-pipes and talking sweethearts -and war, some playing games. By late supper-time -all hands were famished; and to meet -the difficulty all hands turned to, on an equal -footing, and gathered wood, built fires, and -cooked the meal. Afterward everything was -smooth for a while; then trouble broke out -between the corporal and the sergeant, each -claiming to rank the other. Nobody knew -which was the higher office; so Lyman had to -settle the matter by making the rank of both -officers equal. The commander of an ignorant -crew like that has many troubles and vexations -which probably do not occur in the regular -army at all. However, with the song-singing -and yarn-spinning around the camp-fire, everything -<span class='pageno' id='Page_25'>25</span>presently became serene again; and by -and by we raked the corn down level in one -end of the crib, and all went to bed on it, tying -a horse to the door, so that he would neigh if -any one tried to get in.<a id='r1' /><a href='#f1' class='c017'><sup>[1]</sup></a></p> - -<div class='footnote' id='f1'> -<p class='c013'><a href='#r1'>1</a>. It was always my impression that that was what the -horse was there for, and I know that it was also the impression -of at least one other of the command, for we talked -about it at the time, and admired the military ingenuity of -the device; but when I was out West three years ago I was -told by Mr. A. G. Fuqua, a member of our company, that -the horse was his, that the leaving him tied at the door was -a matter of mere forgetfulness, and that to attribute it to -intelligent invention was to give him quite too much credit. -In support of his position, he called my attention to the -suggestive fact that the artifice was not employed again. -I had not thought of that before.</p> -</div> - -<p class='c013'>We had some horsemanship drill every -forenoon; then, afternoons, we rode off here -and there in squads a few miles, and visited -the farmers’ girls, and had a youthful good -time, and got an honest good dinner or supper, -and then home again to camp, happy and -content.</p> - -<p class='c013'>For a time, life was idly delicious, it was -perfect; there was nothing to mar it. Then -came some farmers with an alarm one day. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_26'>26</span>They said it was rumored that the enemy were -advancing in our direction, from over Hyde’s -prairie. The result was a sharp stir among us, -and general consternation. It was a rude -awakening from our pleasant trance. The -rumor was but a rumor—nothing definite about -it; so, in the confusion, we did not know which -way to retreat. Lyman was for not retreating -at all, in these uncertain circumstances; but -he found that if he tried to maintain that attitude -he would fare badly, for the command -were in no humor to put up with insubordination. -So he yielded the point and called a -council of war—to consist of himself and the -three other officers; but the privates made -such a fuss about being left out, that we had to -allow them to remain, for they were already -present, and doing the most of the talking too. -The question was, which way to retreat; but -all were so flurried that nobody seemed to -have even a guess to offer. Except Lyman. -He explained in a few calm words, that inasmuch -as the enemy were approaching from -over Hyde’s prairie, our course was simple: all -<span class='pageno' id='Page_27'>27</span>we had to do was not to retreat <em>toward</em> him; -any other direction would answer our needs -perfectly. Everybody saw in a moment how -true this was, and how wise; so Lyman got a -great many compliments. It was now decided -that we should fall back on Mason’s farm.</p> - -<p class='c013'>It was after dark by this time, and as we -could not know how soon the enemy might arrive, -it did not seem best to try to take the -horses and things with us; so we only took the -guns and ammunition, and started at once. The -route was very rough and hilly and rocky, and -presently the night grew very black and rain -began to fall; so we had a troublesome time of -it, struggling and stumbling along in the dark; -and soon some person slipped and fell, and then -the next person behind stumbled over him and -fell, and so did the rest, one after the other; -and then Bowers came with the keg of powder -in his arms, whilst the command were all mixed -together, arms and legs, on the muddy slope; -and so he fell, of course, with the keg, and this -started the whole detachment down the hill in -a body, and they landed in the brook at the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_28'>28</span>bottom in a pile, and each that was undermost -pulling the hair and scratching and biting those -that were on top of him; and those that were -being scratched and bitten, scratching and biting -the rest in their turn, and all saying they -would die before they would ever go to war -again if they ever got out of this brook this -time, and the invader might rot for all they -cared, and the country along with him—and all -such talk as that, which was dismal to hear and -take part in, in such smothered, low voices, and -such a grisly dark place and so wet, and the -enemy may be coming any moment.</p> - -<p class='c013'>The keg of powder was lost, and the guns -too; so the growling and complaining continued -straight along whilst the brigade pawed -around the pasty hillside and slopped around in -the brook hunting for these things; consequently -we lost considerable time at this; and -then we heard a sound, and held our breath -and listened, and it seemed to be the enemy -coming, though it could have been a cow, for -it had a cough like a cow; but we did not wait, -but left a couple of guns behind and struck out -<span class='pageno' id='Page_29'>29</span>for Mason’s again as briskly as we could scramble -along in the dark. But we got lost presently -among the rugged little ravines, and -wasted a deal of time finding the way again, so -it was after nine when we reached Mason’s -stile at last; and then before we could open -our mouths to give the countersign, several -dogs came bounding over the fence, with great -riot and noise, and each of them took a soldier -by the slack of his trousers and began to back -away with him. We could not shoot the dogs -without endangering the persons they were attached -to; so we had to look on, helpless, at -what was perhaps the most mortifying spectacle -of the civil war. There was light enough, -and to spare, for the Masons had now run out -on the porch with candles in their hands. The -old man and his son came and undid the dogs -without difficulty, all but Bowers’s; but they -couldn’t undo his dog, they didn’t know his -combination; he was of the bull kind, and -seemed to be set with a Yale time-lock; but -they got him loose at last with some scalding -water, of which Bowers got his share and returned -<span class='pageno' id='Page_30'>30</span>thanks. Peterson Dunlap afterwards -made up a fine name for this engagement, and -also for the night march which preceded it, but -both have long ago faded out of my memory.</p> - -<p class='c013'>We now went into the house, and they began -to ask us a world of questions, whereby it -presently came out that we did not know anything -concerning who or what we were running -from; so the old gentleman made himself -very frank, and said we were a curious -breed of soldiers, and guessed we could be depended -on to end up the war in time, because -no government could stand the expense of the -shoe-leather we should cost it trying to follow -us around. “Marion <em>Rangers</em>! good name, -b’gosh!” said he. And wanted to know why -we hadn’t had a picket-guard at the place where -the road entered the prairie, and why we hadn’t -sent out a scouting party to spy out the enemy -and bring us an account of his strength, and so -on, before jumping up and stampeding out of -a strong position upon a mere vague rumor—and -so on, and so forth, till he made us all feel -shabbier than the dogs had done, not half so -<span class='pageno' id='Page_31'>31</span>enthusiastically welcome. So we went to -bed shamed and low-spirited; except Stevens. -Soon Stevens began to devise a garment for -Bowers which could be made to automatically -display his battle-scars to the grateful, or conceal -them from the envious, according to his -occasions; but Bowers was in no humor for -this, so there was a fight, and when it was over -Stevens had some battle-scars of his own to -think about.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Then we got a little sleep. But after all we -had gone through, our activities were not over -for the night; for about two o’clock in the -morning we heard a shout of warning from -down the lane, accompanied by a chorus from -all the dogs, and in a moment everybody was -up and flying around to find out what the alarm -was about. The alarmist was a horseman -who gave notice that a detachment of Union -soldiers was on its way from Hannibal with orders -to capture and hang any bands like ours -which it could find, and said we had no time to -lose. Farmer Mason was in a flurry this time, -himself. He hurried us out of the house with -<span class='pageno' id='Page_32'>32</span>all haste, and sent one of his negroes with us -to show us where to hide ourselves and our -tell-tale guns among the ravines half a mile -away. It was raining heavily.</p> - -<p class='c013'>We struck down the lane, then across some -rocky pasture-land which offered good advantages -for stumbling; consequently we were -down in the mud most of the time, and every -time a man went down he blackguarded the -war, and the people that started it, and everybody -connected with it, and gave himself the -master dose of all for being so foolish as to go -into it. At last we reached the wooded mouth -of a ravine, and there we huddled ourselves -under the streaming trees, and sent the negro -back home. It was a dismal and heart-breaking -time. We were like to be drowned with the -rain, deafened with the howling wind and the -booming thunder, and blinded by the lightning. -It was indeed a wild night. The drenching -we were getting was misery enough, but a -deeper misery still was the reflection that the -halter might end us before we were a day older. -A death of this shameful sort had not occurred -<span class='pageno' id='Page_33'>33</span>to us as being among the possibilities of -war. It took the romance all out of the campaign, -and turned our dreams of glory into a -repulsive nightmare. As for doubting that so -barbarous an order had been given, not one of -us did that.</p> - -<p class='c013'>The long night wore itself out at last, and -then the negro came to us with the news that -the alarm had manifestly been a false one, and -that breakfast would soon be ready. Straightway -we were light-hearted again, and the -world was bright, and life as full of hope and -promise as ever—for we were young then. -How long ago that was! Twenty-four -years.</p> - -<p class='c013'>The mongrel child of philology named the -night’s refuge Camp Devastation, and no soul -objected. The Masons gave us a Missouri -country breakfast, in Missourian abundance, -and we needed it: hot biscuits; hot “wheat -bread” prettily criss-crossed in a lattice pattern -on top; hot corn pone; fried chicken; -bacon, coffee, eggs, milk, buttermilk, etc.;—and -the world may be confidently challenged -<span class='pageno' id='Page_34'>34</span>to furnish the equal to such a breakfast, as it is -cooked in the South.</p> - -<p class='c013'>We staid several days at Mason’s; and after -all these years the memory of the dulness, the -stillness and lifelessness of that slumberous -farm-house still oppresses my spirit as with a -sense of the presence of death and mourning. -There was nothing to do, nothing to think -about; there was no interest in life. The male -part of the household were away in the fields -all day, the women were busy and out of our -sight; there was no sound but the plaintive -wailing of a spinning-wheel, forever moaning -out from some distant room,—the most lonesome -sound in nature, a sound steeped and -sodden with homesickness and the emptiness -of life. The family went to bed about dark -every night, and as we were not invited to intrude -any new customs, we naturally followed -theirs. Those nights were a hundred years -long to youths accustomed to being up till -twelve. We lay awake and miserable till that -hour every time, and grew old and decrepit -waiting through the still eternities for the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_35'>35</span>clock-strikes. This was no place for town -boys. So at last it was with something very -like joy that we received news that the enemy -were on our track again. With a new birth of -the old warrior spirit, we sprang to our places -in line of battle and fell back on Camp Ralls.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Captain Lyman had taken a hint from Mason’s -talk, and he now gave orders that our -camp should be guarded against surprise by -the posting of pickets. I was ordered to place -a picket at the forks of the road in Hyde’s -prairie. Night shut down black and threatening. -I told Sergeant Bowers to go out to that -place and stay till midnight; and, just as I was -expecting, he said he wouldn’t do it. I tried -to get others to go, but all refused. Some -excused themselves on account of the weather; -but the rest were frank enough to say they -wouldn’t go in any kind of weather. This -kind of thing sounds odd now, and impossible, -but there was no surprise in it at the time. -On the contrary, it seemed a perfectly natural -thing to do. There were scores of little camps -scattered over Missouri where the same thing -<span class='pageno' id='Page_36'>36</span>was happening. These camps were composed -of young men who had been born and reared -to a sturdy independence, and who did not -know what it meant to be ordered around by -Tom, Dick, and Harry, whom they had known -familiarly all their lives, in the village or on the -farm. It is quite within the probabilities that -this same thing was happening all over the -South. James Redpath recognized the justice -of this assumption, and furnished the following -instance in support of it. During a short stay -in East Tennessee he was in a citizen colonel’s -tent one day, talking, when a big private appeared -at the door, and without salute or other -circumlocution said to the colonel,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Say, Jim, I’m a-goin’ home for a few days.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“What for?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Well, I hain’t b’en there for a right smart -while, and I’d like to see how things is comin’ -on.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“How long are you going to be gone?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“’Bout two weeks.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Well, don’t be gone longer than that; and -get back sooner if you can.”</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_37'>37</span>That was all, and the citizen officer resumed -his conversation where the private had broken -it off. This was in the first months of the war, -of course. The camps in our part of Missouri -were under Brigadier-General Thomas H. -Harris. He was a townsman of ours, a first-rate -fellow, and well liked; but we had all -familiarly known him as the sole and modest-salaried -operator in our telegraph office, where -he had to send about one despatch a week in -ordinary times, and two when there was a -rush of business; consequently, when he appeared -in our midst one day, on the wing, and -delivered a military command of some sort, in -a large military fashion, nobody was surprised -at the response which he got from the assembled -soldiery,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Oh, now, what’ll you take to <em>don’t</em>, Tom -Harris!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>It was quite the natural thing. One might -justly imagine that we were hopeless material -for war. And so we seemed, in our ignorant -state; but there were those among us who -afterward learned the grim trade; learned to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_38'>38</span>obey like machines; became valuable soldiers; -fought all through the war, and came out at -the end with excellent records. One of the -very boys who refused to go out on picket -duty that night, and called me an ass for thinking -he would expose himself to danger in such -a foolhardy way, had become distinguished for -intrepidity before he was a year older.</p> - -<p class='c013'>I did secure my picket that night—not by -authority, but by diplomacy. I got Bowers to -go, by agreeing to exchange ranks with him -for the time being, and go along and stand the -watch with him as his subordinate. We staid -out there a couple of dreary hours in the pitchy -darkness and the rain, with nothing to modify -the dreariness but Bowers’s monotonous -growlings at the war and the weather; then -we began to nod, and presently found it next -to impossible to stay in the saddle; so we -gave up the tedious job, and went back to the -camp without waiting for the relief guard. We -rode into camp without interruption or objection -from anybody, and the enemy could have -done the same, for there were no sentries. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_39'>39</span>Everybody was asleep; at midnight there was -nobody to send out another picket, so none -was sent. We never tried to establish a watch -at night again, as far as I remember, but we -generally kept a picket out in the daytime.</p> - -<p class='c013'>In that camp the whole command slept on -the corn in the big corn-crib; and there was -usually a general row before morning, for the -place was full of rats, and they would scramble -over the boys’ bodies and faces, annoying and -irritating everybody; and now and then they -would bite some one’s toe, and the person -who owned the toe would start up and magnify -his English and begin to throw corn in -the dark. The ears were half as heavy as -bricks, and when they struck they hurt. The -persons struck would respond, and inside of -five minutes every man would be locked in a -death-grip with his neighbor. There was a -grievous deal of blood shed in the corn-crib, -but this was all that was spilt while I was in -the war. No, that is not quite true. But for -one circumstance it would have been all. I -will come to that now.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_40'>40</span>Our scares were frequent. Every few days -rumors would come that the enemy were approaching. -In these cases we always fell back -on some other camp of ours; we never staid -where we were. But the rumors always turned -out to be false; so at last even we began to -grow indifferent to them. One night a negro -was sent to our corn-crib with the same old -warning: the enemy was hovering in our -neighborhood. We all said let him hover. -We resolved to stay still and be comfortable. -It was a fine warlike resolution, and no doubt -we all felt the stir of it in our veins—for a moment. -We had been having a very jolly time, -that was full of horse-play and school-boy -hilarity; but that cooled down now, and presently -the fast-waning fire of forced jokes and -forced laughs died out altogether, and the -company became silent. Silent and nervous. -And soon uneasy—worried—apprehensive. -We had said we would stay, and we were committed. -We could have been persuaded to go, -but there was nobody brave enough to suggest -it. An almost noiseless movement presently -<span class='pageno' id='Page_41'>41</span>began in the dark, by a general but unvoiced -impulse. When the movement was -completed, each man knew that he was not -the only person who had crept to the front -wall and had his eye at a crack between the -logs. No, we were all there; all there with -our hearts in our throats, and staring out -toward the sugar-troughs where the forest -foot-path came through. It was late, and -was a deep woodsy stillness everywhere. -There was a veiled moonlight, which was only -just strong enough to enable us to mark the -general shape of objects. Presently a muffled -sound caught our ears, and we recognized it -as the hoof-beats of a horse or horses. And -right away a figure appeared in the forest path; -it could have been made of smoke, its mass -had so little sharpness of outline. It was a -man on horseback; and it seemed to me that -there were others behind him. I got hold of a -gun in the dark, and pushed it through a crack -between the logs, hardly knowing what I was -doing, I was so dazed with fright. Somebody -said “Fire!” I pulled the trigger. I seemed -<span class='pageno' id='Page_42'>42</span>to see a hundred flashes and hear a hundred -reports, then I saw the man fall down out of -the saddle. My first feeling was of surprised -gratification; my first impulse was an apprentice-sportsman’s -impulse to run and pick up -his game. Somebody said, hardly audibly, -“Good—we’ve got him!—wait for the rest.” -But the rest did not come. We waited—listened—still -no more came. There was not -a sound, not the whisper of a leaf; just perfect -stillness; an uncanny kind of stillness, -which was all the more uncanny on account -of the damp, earthy, late-night smells now rising -and pervading it. Then, wondering, we -crept stealthily out, and approached the man. -When we got to him the moon revealed him -distinctly. He was lying on his back, with -his arms abroad; his mouth was open and his -chest heaving with long gasps, and his white -shirt-front was all splashed with blood. The -thought shot through me that I was a murderer; -that I had killed a man—a man who -had never done me any harm. That was the -coldest sensation that ever went through my -<span class='pageno' id='Page_43'>43</span>marrow. I was down by him in a moment, -helplessly stroking his forehead; and I would -have given anything then—my own life freely—to -make him again what he had been five -minutes before. And all the boys seemed to -be feeling in the same way; they hung over -him, full of pitying interest, and tried all they -could to help him, and said all sorts of regretful -things. They had forgotten all about -the enemy; they thought only of this one -forlorn unit of the foe. Once my imagination -persuaded me that the dying man gave -me a reproachful look out of his shadowy eyes, -and it seemed to me that I could rather he had -stabbed me than done that. He muttered and -mumbled like a dreamer in his sleep, about -his wife and his child; and I thought with a -new despair, “This thing that I have done -does not end with him; it falls upon <em>them</em> too, -and they never did me any harm, any more -than he.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>In a little while the man was dead. He was -killed in war; killed in fair and legitimate war; -killed in battle, as you may say; and yet he -<span class='pageno' id='Page_44'>44</span>was as sincerely mourned by the opposing -force as if he had been their brother. The -boys stood there a half hour sorrowing over -him, and recalling the details of the tragedy, -and wondering who he might be, and if he -were a spy, and saying that if it were to do -over again they would not hurt him unless he -attacked them first. It soon came out that -mine was not the only shot fired; there were -five others,—a division of the guilt which was -a grateful relief to me, since it in some degree -lightened and diminished the burden I was -carrying. There were six shots fired at once; -but I was not in my right mind at the time, -and my heated imagination had magnified my -one shot into a volley.</p> - -<p class='c013'>The man was not in uniform, and was not -armed. He was a stranger in the country; -that was all we ever found out about him. -The thought of him got to preying upon me -every night; I could not get rid of it. I could -not drive it away, the taking of that unoffending -life seemed such a wanton thing. And it -seemed an epitome of war; that all war must -<span class='pageno' id='Page_45'>45</span>be just that—the killing of strangers against -whom you feel no personal animosity; strangers -whom, in other circumstances, you would -help if you found them in trouble, and who -would help you if you needed it. My campaign -was spoiled. It seemed to me that I -was not rightly equipped for this awful business; -that war was intended for men, and I -for a child’s nurse. I resolved to retire from -this avocation of sham soldiership while I -could save some remnant of my self-respect. -These morbid thoughts clung to me against -reason; for at bottom I did not believe I had -touched that man. The law of probabilities -decreed me guiltless of his blood; for in all -my small experience with guns I had never -hit anything I had tried to hit, and I knew I -had done my best to hit him. Yet there was -no solace in the thought. Against a diseased -imagination, demonstration goes for nothing.</p> - -<p class='c013'>The rest of my war experience was of a -piece with what I have already told of it. We -kept monotonously falling back upon one -camp or another, and eating up the country. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_46'>46</span>I marvel now at the patience of the farmers -and their families. They ought to have shot -us; on the contrary, they were as hospitably -kind and courteous to us as if we had deserved -it. In one of these camps we found Ab -Grimes, an Upper Mississippi pilot, who afterwards -became famous as a dare-devil rebel -spy, whose career bristled with desperate adventures. -The look and style of his comrades -suggested that they had not come into the war -to play, and their deeds made good the conjecture -later. They were fine horsemen and -good revolver-shots; but their favorite arm -was the lasso. Each had one at his pommel, -and could snatch a man out of the saddle with -it every time, on a full gallop, at any reasonable -distance.</p> - -<p class='c013'>In another camp the chief was a fierce and -profane old blacksmith of sixty, and he had -furnished his twenty recruits with gigantic -home-made bowie-knives, to be swung with -the two hands, like the <em>machetes</em> of the Isthmus. -It was a grisly spectacle to see that -earnest band practicing their murderous cuts -<span class='pageno' id='Page_47'>47</span>and slashes under the eye of that remorseless -old fanatic.</p> - -<p class='c013'>The last camp which we fell back upon was -in a hollow near the village of Florida, where -I was born—in Monroe County. Here we -were warned, one day, that a Union colonel -was sweeping down on us with a whole regiment -at his heels. This looked decidedly serious. -Our boys went apart and consulted; -then we went back and told the other companies -present that the war was a disappointment -to us and we were going to disband. -They were getting ready, themselves, to fall -back on some place or other, and were only -waiting for General Tom Harris, who was expected -to arrive at any moment; so they tried -to persuade us to wait a little while, but the -majority of us said no, we were accustomed to -falling back, and didn’t need any of Tom Harris’s -help; we could get along perfectly well -without him—and save time too. So about -half of our fifteen, including myself, mounted -and left on the instant; the others yielded to -persuasion and staid—staid through the war.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_48'>48</span>An hour later we met General Harris on the -road, with two or three people in his company—his -staff, probably, but we could not tell; -none of them were in uniform; uniforms had -not come into vogue among us yet. Harris -ordered us back; but we told him there was a -Union colonel coming with a whole regiment -in his wake, and it looked as if there was going -to be a disturbance; so we had concluded -to go home. He raged a little, but it was of -no use; our minds were made up. We had -done our share; had killed one man, exterminated -one army, such as it was; let him go -and kill the rest, and that would end the war. -I did not see that brisk young general again -until last year; then he was wearing white hair -and whiskers.</p> - -<p class='c013'>In time I came to know that Union colonel -whose coming frightened me out of the war -and crippled the Southern cause to that extent—General -Grant. I came within a few hours -of seeing him when he was as unknown as I -was myself; at a time when anybody could -have said, “Grant?—Ulysses S. Grant? I do -<span class='pageno' id='Page_49'>49</span>not remember hearing the name before.” It -seems difficult to realize that there was once a -time when such a remark could be rationally -made; but there <em>was</em>, and I was within a few -miles of the place and the occasion too, though -proceeding in the other direction.</p> - -<p class='c013'>The thoughtful will not throw this war-paper -of mine lightly aside as being valueless. -It has this value: it is a not unfair picture of -what went on in many and many a militia -camp in the first months of the rebellion, when -the green recruits were without discipline, -without the steadying and heartening influence -of trained leaders; when all their circumstances -were new and strange, and charged -with exaggerated terrors, and before the invaluable -experience of actual collision in the -field had turned them from rabbits into soldiers. -If this side of the picture of that early day has -not before been put into history, then history -has been to that degree incomplete, for it had -and has its rightful place there. There was -more Bull Run material scattered through the -early camps of this country than exhibited -<span class='pageno' id='Page_50'>50</span>itself at Bull Run. And yet it learned its -trade presently, and helped to fight the great -battles later. I could have become a soldier -myself, if I had waited. I had got part of it -learned; I knew more about retreating than -the man that invented retreating.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_51'>51</span> - <h2 class='c011'>THE INVALID’S STORY.</h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c016'>I seem sixty and married, but these effects -are due to my condition and sufferings, -for I am a bachelor, and only forty-one. It -will be hard for you to believe that I, who am -now but a shadow, was a hale, hearty man two -short years ago,—a man of iron, a very athlete!—yet -such is the simple truth. But stranger -still than this fact is the way in which I lost -my health. I lost it through helping to take -care of a box of guns on a two-hundred-mile -railway journey one winter’s night. It is the -actual truth, and I will tell you about it.</p> - -<p class='c013'>I belong in Cleveland, Ohio. One winter’s -night, two years ago, I reached home just after -dark, in a driving snow-storm, and the first -thing I heard when I entered the house was -that my dearest boyhood friend and schoolmate, -John B. Hackett, had died the day before, -and that his last utterance had been a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_52'>52</span>desire that I would take his remains home to -his poor old father and mother in Wisconsin. -I was greatly shocked and grieved, but there -was no time to waste in emotions; I must start -at once. I took the card, marked “Deacon -Levi Hackett, Bethlehem, Wisconsin,” and -hurried off through the whistling storm to the -railway station. Arrived there I found the -long white-pine box which had been described -to me; I fastened the card to it with some -tacks, saw it put safely aboard the express car, -and then ran into the eating-room to provide -myself with a sandwich and some cigars. -When I returned, presently, there was my -coffin-box <em>back again</em>, apparently, and a young -fellow examining around it, with a card in his -hand, and some tacks and a hammer! I was -astonished and puzzled. He began to nail on -his card, and I rushed out to the express car, -in a good deal of a state of mind, to ask for an -explanation. But no—there was my box, all -right, in the express car; it hadn’t been disturbed. -[The fact is that without my suspecting -it a prodigious mistake had been made. I -<span class='pageno' id='Page_53'>53</span>was carrying off a box of <em>guns</em> which that -young fellow had come to the station to ship -to a rifle company in Peoria, Illinois, and <em>he</em> -had got my corpse!] Just then the conductor -sung out “All aboard,” and I jumped into the -express car and got a comfortable seat on a -bale of buckets. The expressman was there, -hard at work,—a plain man of fifty, with a -simple, honest, good-natured face, and a -breezy, practical heartiness in his general style. -As the train moved off a stranger skipped into -the car and set a package of peculiarly mature -and capable Limburger cheese on one end of -my coffin-box—I mean my box of guns. That -is to say, I know <em>now</em> that it was Limburger -cheese, but at that time I never had heard of -the article in my life, and of course was wholly -ignorant of its character. Well, we sped -through the wild night, the bitter storm raged -on, a cheerless misery stole over me, my heart -went down, down, down! The old expressman -made a brisk remark or two about the -tempest and the arctic weather, slammed his -sliding doors to, and bolted them, closed his -<span class='pageno' id='Page_54'>54</span>window down tight, and then went bustling -around, here and there and yonder, setting -things to rights, and all the time contentedly -humming “Sweet By and By,” in a low tone, -and flatting a good deal. Presently I began -to detect a most evil and searching odor stealing -about on the frozen air. This depressed my -spirits still more, because of course I attributed -it to my poor departed friend. There was -something infinitely saddening about his calling -himself to my remembrance in this dumb -pathetic way, so it was hard to keep the tears -back. Moreover, it distressed me on account -of the old expressman, who, I was afraid, -might notice it. However, he went humming -tranquilly on, and gave no sign; and for this -I was grateful. Grateful, yes, but still uneasy; -and soon I began to feel more and more uneasy -every minute, for every minute that went -by that odor thickened up the more, and got to -be more and more gamy and hard to stand. -Presently, having got things arranged to his -satisfaction, the expressman got some wood -and made up a tremendous fire in his stove. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_55'>55</span>This distressed me more than I can tell, for I -could not but feel that it was a mistake. I was -sure that the effect would be deleterious upon -my poor departed friend. Thompson—the -expressman’s name was Thompson, as I found -out in the course of the night—now went poking -around his car, stopping up whatever stray -cracks he could find, remarking that it didn’t -make any difference what kind of a night it -was outside, he calculated to make <em>us</em> comfortable, -anyway. I said nothing, but I believed -he was not choosing the right way. Meantime -he was humming to himself just as before; and -meantime, too, the stove was getting hotter -and hotter, and the place closer and closer. I -felt myself growing pale and qualmish, but -grieved in silence and said nothing. Soon I -noticed that the “Sweet By and By” was gradually -fading out; next it ceased altogether, -and there was an ominous stillness. After a -few moments Thompson said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Pfew! I reckon it ain’t no cinnamon ’t I’ve -loaded up thish-yer stove with!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>He gasped once or twice, then moved toward -<span class='pageno' id='Page_56'>56</span>the cof—gun-box, stood over that Limburger -cheese part of a moment, then came back and -sat down near me, looking a good deal impressed. -After a contemplative pause, he said, -indicating the box with a gesture,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Friend of yourn?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes,” I said with a sigh.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“He’s pretty ripe, <em>ain’t</em> he!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>Nothing further was said for perhaps a couple -of minutes, each being busy with his own -thoughts; then Thompson said, in a low, awed -voice,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Sometimes it’s uncertain whether they’re -really gone or not,—<em>seem</em> gone, you know—body -warm, joints limber—and so, although -you <em>think</em> they’re gone, you don’t really know. -I’ve had cases in my car. It’s perfectly awful, -becuz <em>you</em> don’t know what minute they’ll -rise up and look at you!” Then, after a pause, -and slightly lifting his elbow toward the box,— -“But <em>he</em> ain’t in no trance! No, sir, I go bail -for <em>him</em>!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>We sat some time, in meditative silence, listening -to the wind and the roar of the train; -<span class='pageno' id='Page_57'>57</span>then Thompson said, with a good deal of feeling,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Well-a-well, we’ve all got to go, they ain’t -no getting around it. Man that is born of woman -is of few days and far between, as Scriptur’ -says. Yes, you look at it any way you -want to, it’s awful solemn and cur’us: they -ain’t <em>nobody</em> can get around it; <em>all’s</em> got to go—just -<em>everybody</em>, as you may say. One day -you’re hearty and strong”—here he scrambled -to his feet and broke a pane and stretched his -nose out at it a moment or two, then sat down -again while I struggled up and thrust my nose -out at the same place, and this we kept on doing -every now and then—“and next day he’s -cut down like the grass, and the places which -knowed him then knows him no more forever, -as Scriptur’ says. Yes’ndeedy, it’s awful solemn -and cur’us; but we’ve all got to go, one -time or another; they ain’t no getting around -it.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>There was another long pause; then,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“What did he die of?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I said I didn’t know.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_58'>58</span>“How long has he ben dead?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>It seemed judicious to enlarge the facts to fit -the probabilities; so I said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Two or three days.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>But it did no good; for Thompson received -it with an injured look which plainly said, -“Two or three <em>years</em>, you mean.” Then he -went right along, placidly ignoring my statement, -and gave his views at considerable -length upon the unwisdom of putting off burials -too long. Then he lounged off toward the -box, stood a moment, then came back on a -sharp trot and visited the broken pane, observing,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“’Twould ’a’ ben a dum sight better, all -around, if they’d started him along last summer.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>Thompson sat down and buried his face in -his red silk handkerchief, and began to slowly -sway and rock his body like one who is doing -his best to endure the almost unendurable. By -this time the fragrance—if you may call it fragrance—was -just about suffocating, as near as -you can come at it. Thompson’s face was turning -<span class='pageno' id='Page_59'>59</span>gray; I knew mine hadn’t any color left in it. -By and by Thompson rested his forehead in his -left hand, with his elbow on his knee, and sort -of waved his red handkerchief towards the box -with his other hand, and said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I’ve carried a many a one of ’em,—some of -’em considerable overdue, too,—but, lordy, he -just lays over ’em all!—and does it <em>easy</em>. -Cap., they was heliotrope to <em>him</em>!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>This recognition of my poor friend gratified -me, in spite of the sad circumstances, because -it had so much the sound of a compliment.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Pretty soon it was plain that something had -got to be done. I suggested cigars. Thompson -thought it was a good idea. He said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Likely it’ll modify him some.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>We puffed gingerly along for a while, and -tried hard to imagine that things were improved. -But it wasn’t any use. Before very -long, and without any consultation, both cigars -were quietly dropped from our nerveless fingers -at the same moment. Thompson said, with a -sigh,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“No, Cap., it don’t modify him worth a cent. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_60'>60</span>Fact is, it makes him worse, becuz it appears -to stir up his ambition. What do you reckon -we better do, now?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I was not able to suggest anything; indeed, -I had to be swallowing and swallowing, all the -time, and did not like to trust myself to speak. -Thompson fell to maundering, in a desultory -and low-spirited way, about the miserable experiences -of this night; and he got to referring -to my poor friend by various titles,—sometimes -military ones, sometimes civil ones; and -I noticed that as fast as my poor friend’s -effectiveness grew, Thompson promoted him -accordingly,—gave him a bigger title. Finally -he said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I’ve got an idea. Suppos’n we buckle -down to it and give the Colonel a bit of a shove -towards t’other end of the car?—about ten foot, -say. He wouldn’t have so much influence, -then, don’t you reckon?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I said it was a good scheme. So we took in -a good fresh breath at the broken pane, calculating -to hold it till we got through; then we -went there and bent over that deadly cheese -<span class='pageno' id='Page_61'>61</span>and took a grip on the box. Thompson nodded -“All ready,” and then we threw ourselves -forward with all our might; but Thompson -slipped, and slumped down with his nose on -the cheese, and his breath got loose. He -gagged and gasped, and floundered up and -made a break for the door, pawing the air and -saying, hoarsely, “Don’t hender me!—gimme -the road! I’m a-dying; gimme the road!” -Out on the cold platform I sat down and held -his head a while, and he revived. Presently he -said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Do you reckon we started the Gen’rul -any?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I said no; we hadn’t budged him.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Well, then, <em>that</em> idea’s up the flume. We -got to think up something else. He’s suited -wher’ he is, I reckon; and if that’s the way he -feels about it, and has made up his mind that -he don’t wish to be disturbed, you bet he’s -a-going to have his own way in the business. -Yes, better leave him right wher’ he is, long as -he wants it so; becuz he holds all the trumps, -don’t you know, and so it stands to reason -<span class='pageno' id='Page_62'>62</span>that the man that lays out to alter his plans -for him is going to get left.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>But we couldn’t stay out there in that mad -storm; we should have frozen to death. So -we went in again and shut the door, and began -to suffer once more and take turns at the break -in the window. By and by, as we were starting -away from a station where we had stopped -a moment Thompson pranced in cheerily, and -exclaimed,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“We’re all right, now! I reckon we’ve got -the Commodore this time. I judge I’ve got the -stuff here that’ll take the tuck out of him.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>It was carbolic acid. He had a carboy of it. -He sprinkled it all around everywhere; in fact -he drenched everything with it, rifle-box, -cheese and all. Then we sat down, feeling -pretty hopeful. But it wasn’t for long. You -see the two perfumes began to mix, and then—well, -pretty soon we made a break for the -door; and out there Thompson swabbed his -face with his bandanna and said in a kind of -disheartened way,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“It ain’t no use. We can’t buck agin <em>him</em>. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_63'>63</span>He just utilizes everything we put up to modify -him with, and gives it his own flavor and plays -it back on us. Why, Cap., don’t you know, it’s -as much as a hundred times worse in there now -than it was when he first got a-going. I never -<em>did</em> see one of ’em warm up to his work so, and -take such a dumnation interest in it. No, sir, -I never did, as long as I’ve ben on the road; -and I’ve carried a many a one of ’em, as I was -telling you.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>We went in again, after we were frozen -pretty stiff; but my, we couldn’t <em>stay</em> in, now. -So we just waltzed back and forth, freezing, -and thawing, and stifling, by turns. In about -an hour we stopped at another station; and as -we left it Thompson came in with a bag, and -said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Cap., I’m a-going to chance him once -more,—just this once; and if we don’t fetch him -this time, the thing for us to do, is to just throw -up the sponge and withdraw from the canvass. -That’s the way <em>I</em> put it up.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>He had brought a lot of chicken feathers, -and dried apples, and leaf tobacco, and rags, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_64'>64</span>and old shoes, and sulphur, and assafœtida, -and one thing or another; and he piled them -on a breadth of sheet iron in the middle of the -floor, and set fire to them. When they got -well started, I couldn’t see, myself, how even -the corpse could stand it. All that went before -was just simply poetry to that smell,—but -mind you, the original smell stood up out of it -just as sublime as ever,—fact is, these other -smells just seemed to give it a better hold; -and my, how rich it was! I didn’t make these -reflections there—there wasn’t time—made -them on the platform. And breaking for the -platform, Thompson got suffocated and fell; -and before I got him dragged out, which I did -by the collar, I was mighty near gone myself. -When we revived, Thompson said dejectedly,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“We got to stay out here, Cap. We got to -do it. They ain’t no other way. The Governor -wants to travel alone, and he’s fixed so he -can outvote us.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>And presently he added,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“And don’t you know, we’re <em>pisoned</em>. It’s -<span class='pageno' id='Page_65'>65</span><em>our</em> last trip, you can make up your mind to it. -Typhoid fever is what’s going to come of this. -I feel it a-coming right now. Yes, sir, we’re -elected, just as sure as you’re born.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>We were taken from the platform an hour -later, frozen and insensible, at the next station, -and I went straight off into a virulent fever, -and never knew anything again for three weeks. -I found out, then, that I had spent that awful -night with a harmless box of rifles and a lot of -innocent cheese; but the news was too late to -save <em>me</em>; imagination had done its work, and -my health was permanently shattered; neither -Bermuda nor any other land can ever bring it -back to me. This is my last trip; I am on my -way home to die.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_66'>66</span> - <h2 class='c011'>LUCK.<a id='r2' /><a href='#f2' class='c017'><sup>[2]</sup></a></h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c016'>It was at a banquet in London in honor of -one of the two or three conspicuously illustrious -English military names of this generation. -For reasons which will presently appear, -I will withhold his real name and titles, -and call him Lieutenant-General Lord Arthur -Scoresby, Y.C., K.C.B., etc., etc., etc. What a -fascination there is in a renowned name! There -sat the man, in actual flesh, whom I had heard -of so many thousands of times since that day, -thirty years before, when his name shot suddenly -to the zenith from a Crimean battle-field, -to remain forever celebrated. It was food and -drink to me to look, and look, and look at that -demigod; scanning, searching, noting: the -quietness, the reserve, the noble gravity of his -countenance; the simple honesty that expressed -<span class='pageno' id='Page_67'>67</span>itself all over him; the sweet unconsciousness -of his greatness—unconsciousness of -the hundreds of admiring eyes fastened upon -him, unconsciousness of the deep, loving, -sincere worship welling out of the breasts of -those people and flowing toward him.</p> - -<div class='footnote' id='f2'> -<p class='c013'><a href='#r2'>2</a>. [<span class='sc'>Note.</span>—This is not a fancy sketch. I got it from a -clergyman who was an instructor at Woolwich forty years -ago, and who vouched for its truth.—M. T.]</p> -</div> - -<p class='c013'>The clergyman at my left was an old acquaintance -of mine—clergyman now, but had -spent the first half of his life in the camp and -field, and as an instructor in the military -school at Woolwich. Just at the moment I -have been talking about, a veiled and singular -light glimmered in his eyes, and he leaned -down and muttered confidentially to me—indicating -the hero of the banquet with a gesture,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Privately—he’s an absolute fool.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>This verdict was a great surprise to me. If -its subject had been Napoleon, or Socrates, or -Solomon, my astonishment could not have -been greater. Two things I was well aware -of: that the Reverend was a man of strict -veracity, and that his judgment of men was -good. Therefore I knew, beyond doubt or -<span class='pageno' id='Page_68'>68</span>question, that the world was mistaken about -this hero: he <em>was</em> a fool. So I meant to find -out, at a convenient moment, how the Reverend, -all solitary and alone, had discovered -the secret.</p> - -<p class='c012'>Some days later the opportunity came, and -this is what the Reverend told me:</p> - -<p class='c013'>About forty years ago I was an instructor in -the military academy at Woolwich. I was -present in one of the sections when young -Scoresby underwent his preliminary examination. -I was touched to the quick with pity; -for the rest of the class answered up brightly -and handsomely, while he—why, dear me, he -didn’t know <em>anything</em>, so to speak. He was -evidently good, and sweet, and lovable, and -guileless; and so it was exceedingly painful to -see him stand there, as serene as a graven -image, and deliver himself of answers which -were veritably miraculous for stupidity and -ignorance. All the compassion in me was -aroused in his behalf. I said to myself, when -he comes to be examined again, he will be -<span class='pageno' id='Page_69'>69</span>flung over, of course; so it will be simply a -harmless act of charity to ease his fall as much -as I can. I took him aside, and found that he -knew a little of Cæsar’s history; and as he -didn’t know anything else, I went to work and -drilled him like a galley-slave on a certain line -of stock questions concerning Cæsar which I -knew would be used. If you’ll believe me, he -went through with flying colors on examination -day! He went through on that purely -superficial “cram,” and got compliments too, -while others, who knew a thousand times more -than he, got plucked. By some strangely -lucky accident—an accident not likely to happen -twice in a century—he was asked no question -outside of the narrow limits of his drill.</p> - -<p class='c013'>It was stupefying. Well, all through his -course I stood by him, with something of the -sentiment which a mother feels for a crippled -child; and he always saved himself—just by -miracle, apparently.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Now of course the thing that would expose -him and kill him at last was mathematics. I -resolved to make his death as easy as I could; -<span class='pageno' id='Page_70'>70</span>so I drilled him and crammed him, and crammed -him and drilled him, just on the line of -questions which the examiners would be most -likely to use, and then launched him on his -fate. Well, sir, try to conceive of the result: -to my consternation, he took the first prize! -And with it he got a perfect ovation in the -way of compliments.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Sleep? There was no more sleep for me for -a week. My conscience tortured me day and -night. What I had done I had done purely -through charity, and only to ease the poor -youth’s fall—I never had dreamed of any such -preposterous result as the thing that had happened. -I felt as guilty and miserable as the -creator of Frankenstein. Here was a woodenhead -whom I had put in the way of glittering -promotions and prodigious responsibilities, and -but one thing could happen: he and his responsibilities -would all go to ruin together at -the first opportunity.</p> - -<p class='c013'>The Crimean war had just broken out. Of -course there had to be a war, I said to myself: -we couldn’t have peace and give this donkey a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_71'>71</span>chance to die before he is found out. I waited -for the earthquake. It came. And it made -me reel when it did come. He was actually -gazetted to a captaincy in a marching regiment! -Better men grow old and gray in the -service before they climb to a sublimity like -that. And who could ever have foreseen that -they would go and put such a load of responsibility -on such green and inadequate shoulders? -I could just barely have stood it if -they had made him a cornet; but a captain—think -of it! I thought my hair would turn -white.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Consider what I did—I who so loved repose -and inaction. I said to myself, I am responsible -to the country for this, and I must go -along with him and protect the country against -him as far as I can. So I took my poor little -capital that I had saved up through years of -work and grinding economy, and went with a -sigh and bought a cornetcy in his regiment, -and away we went to the field.</p> - -<p class='c013'>And there—oh dear, it was awful. Blunders?—why, -he never did anything <em>but</em> blunder. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_72'>72</span>But, you see, nobody was in the fellow’s -secret—everybody had him focussed wrong, -and necessarily misinterpreted his performance -every time—consequently they took his idiotic -blunders for inspirations of genius; they did, -honestly! His mildest blunders were enough -to make a man in his right mind cry; and they -did make me cry—and rage and rave too, -privately. And the thing that kept me always -in a sweat of apprehension was the fact that -every fresh blunder he made increased the -lustre of his reputation! I kept saying to myself, -he’ll get so high, that when discovery -does finally come, it will be like the sun falling -out of the sky.</p> - -<p class='c013'>He went right along up, from grade to grade, -over the dead bodies of his superiors, until at -last, in the hottest moment of the battle of **** down went our colonel, and my heart -jumped into my mouth, for Scoresby was next -in rank! Now for it, said I; we’ll all land in -Sheol in ten minutes, sure.</p> - -<p class='c013'>The battle was awfully hot; the allies were -steadily giving way all over the field. Our -<span class='pageno' id='Page_73'>73</span>regiment occupied a position that was vital; a -blunder now must be destruction. At this -crucial moment, what does this immortal fool -do but detach the regiment from its place and -order a charge over a neighboring hill where -there wasn’t a suggestion of an enemy! “There -you go!” I said to myself; “this <em>is</em> the end at -last.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>And away we did go, and were over the -shoulder of the hill before the insane movement -could be discovered and stopped. And -what did we find? An entire and unsuspected -Russian army in reserve! And what happened? -We were eaten up? That is necessarily -what would have happened in ninety-nine -cases out of a hundred. But no; those Russians -argued that no single regiment would -come browsing around there at such a time. It -must be the entire English army, and that the -sly Russian game was detected and blocked; -so they turned tail, and away they went, pell-mell, -over the hill and down into the field, in -wild confusion, and we after them; they themselves -broke the solid Russian centre in the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_74'>74</span>field, and tore through, and in no time there -was the most tremendous rout you ever saw, -and the defeat of the allies was turned into a -sweeping and splendid victory! Marshal Canrobert -looked on, dizzy with astonishment, admiration, -and delight; and sent right off for -Scoresby, and hugged him, and decorated him -on the field, in presence of all the armies!</p> - -<p class='c013'>And what was Scoresby’s blunder that time? -Merely the mistaking his right hand for his -left—that was all. An order had come to him -to fall back and support our right; and instead, -he fell <em>forward</em> and went over the hill to the -left. But the name he won that day as a marvellous -military genius filled the world with his -glory, and that glory will never fade while history -books last.</p> - -<p class='c013'>He is just as good and sweet and lovable and -unpretending as a man can be, but he doesn’t -know enough to come in when it rains. Now -that is absolutely true. He is the supremest -ass in the universe; and until half an hour ago -nobody knew it but himself and me. He has -been pursued, day by day and year by year, by -<span class='pageno' id='Page_75'>75</span>a most phenomenal and astonishing luckiness. -He has been a shining soldier in all our wars -for a generation; he has littered his whole -military life with blunders, and yet has never -committed one that didn’t make him a knight -or a baronet or a lord or something. Look at -his breast; why, he is just clothed in domestic -and foreign decorations. Well, sir, every one -of them is the record of some shouting stupidity -or other; and taken together, they are proof -that the very best thing in all this world that -can befall a man is to be born lucky. I say -again, as I said at the banquet, Scoresby’s an -absolute fool.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_76'>76</span> - <h2 class='c011'>THE CAPTAIN’S STORY.</h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c016'>There was a good deal of pleasant gossip -about old Captain “Hurricane” Jones, of -the Pacific Ocean,—peace to his ashes! Two -or three of us present had known him; I, particularly -well, for I had made four sea-voyages -with him. He was a very remarkable man. -He was born on a ship; he picked up what -little education he had among his shipmates; -he began life in the forecastle, and climbed -grade by grade to the captaincy. More than -fifty years of his sixty-five were spent at sea. -He had sailed all oceans, seen all lands, and -borrowed a tint from all climates. When a -man has been fifty years at sea, he necessarily -knows nothing of men, nothing of the world -but its surface, nothing of the world’s thought, -nothing of the world’s learning but its A B C, -and that blurred and distorted by the unfocussed -lenses of an untrained mind. Such a man is -<span class='pageno' id='Page_77'>77</span>only a gray and bearded child. That is what -old Hurricane Jones was,—simply an innocent, -lovable old infant. When his spirit was in repose -he was as sweet and gentle as a girl; when -his wrath was up he was a hurricane that made -his nickname seem tamely descriptive. He -was formidable in a fight, for he was of powerful -build and dauntless courage. He was frescoed -from head to heel with pictures and mottoes -tattooed in red and blue India ink. I was -with him one voyage when he got his last vacant -space tattooed; this vacant space was -around his left ankle. During three days he -stumped about the ship with his ankle bare and -swollen, and this legend gleaming red and angry -out from a clouding of India ink: “Virtue -is its own R’d.” (There was a lack of room.) -He was deeply and sincerely pious, and swore -like a fish-woman. He considered swearing -blameless, because sailors would not understand -an order unillumined by it. He was a -profound Biblical scholar,—that is, he thought -he was. He believed everything in the Bible, -but he had his own methods of arriving at his -<span class='pageno' id='Page_78'>78</span>beliefs. He was of the “advanced” school of -thinkers, and applied natural laws to the interpretation -of all miracles, somewhat on the plan -of the people who make the six days of creation -six geological epochs, and so forth. Without -being aware of it, he was a rather severe -satire on modern scientific religionists. Such a -man as I have been describing is rabidly fond -of disquisition and argument; one knows that -without being told it.</p> - -<p class='c013'>One trip the captain had a clergyman on -board, but did not know he was a clergyman, -since the passenger list did not betray the fact. -He took a great liking to this Rev. Mr. Peters, -and talked with him a great deal: told him -yarns, gave him toothsome scraps of personal -history, and wove a glittering streak of profanity -through his garrulous fabric that was refreshing -to a spirit weary of the dull neutralities -of undecorated speech. One day the captain -said, “Peters, do you ever read the Bible?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Well—yes.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I judge it ain’t often, by the way you say -<span class='pageno' id='Page_79'>79</span>it. Now, you tackle it in dead earnest once, -and you’ll find it’ll pay. Don’t you get discouraged, -but hang right on. First, you won’t -understand it; but by and by things will begin -to clear up, and then you wouldn’t lay it down -to eat.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes, I have heard that said.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“And it’s so, too. There ain’t a book that begins -with it. It lays over ’em all, Peters. -There’s some pretty tough things in it,—there -ain’t any getting around that,—but you stick -to them and think them out, and when once -you get on the inside everything’s plain as -day.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“The miracles, too, captain?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes, sir! the miracles, too. Every one of -them. Now, there’s that business with the -prophets of Baal; like enough that stumped -you?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Well, I don’t know but—”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Own up, now; it stumped you. Well, I -don’t wonder. You hadn’t had any experience -in ravelling such things out, and naturally it -was too many for you. Would you like to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_80'>80</span>have me explain that thing to you, and show -you how to get at the meat of these matters?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Indeed, I would, captain, if you don’t mind.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>Then the captain proceeded as follows: “I’ll -do it with pleasure. First, you see, I read and -read, and thought and thought, till I got to -understand what sort of people they were in -the old Bible times, and then after that it was -clear and easy. Now, this was the way I put -it up, concerning Isaac<a id='r3' /><a href='#f3' class='c017'><sup>[3]</sup></a> and the prophets of -Baal. There was some mighty sharp men -amongst the public characters of that old ancient -day, and Isaac was one of them. Isaac -had his failings,—plenty of them, too; it ain’t -for me to apologize for Isaac; he played on the -prophets of Baal, and like enough he was justifiable, -considering the odds that was against -him. No, all I say is, ’t wa’n’t any miracle, and -that I’ll show you so’s’t you can see it yourself.</p> - -<div class='footnote' id='f3'> -<p class='c013'><a href='#r3'>3</a>. This is the captain’s own mistake.</p> -</div> - -<p class='c013'>“Well, times had been getting rougher and -rougher for prophets,—that is, prophets of -Isaac’s denomination. There were four hundred -<span class='pageno' id='Page_81'>81</span>and fifty prophets of Baal in the community, -and only one Presbyterian; that is, if -Isaac <em>was</em> a Presbyterian, which I reckon he -was, but it don’t say. Naturally, the prophets -of Baal took all the trade. Isaac was pretty -low-spirited, I reckon, but he was a good deal -of a man, and no doubt he went a-prophesying -around, letting on to be doing a land-office -business, but ’t wa’n’t any use; he couldn’t run -any opposition to amount to anything. By -and by things got desperate with him; he sets -his head to work and thinks it all out, and then -what does he do? Why, he begins to throw -out hints that the other parties are this and -that and t’other,—nothing very definite, may -be, but just kind of undermining their reputation -in a quiet way. This made talk, of course, -and finally got to the king. The king asked -Isaac what he meant by his talk. Says Isaac, -‘Oh, nothing particular; only, can they pray -down fire from heaven on an altar? It ain’t -much, maybe, your majesty, only can they <em>do</em> -it? That’s the idea.’ So the king was a good -deal disturbed, and he went to the prophets of -<span class='pageno' id='Page_82'>82</span>Baal, and they said, pretty airy, that if he had -an altar ready, <em>they</em> were ready; and they intimated -he better get it insured, too.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“So next morning all the children of Israel -and their parents and the other people gathered -themselves together. Well, here was that -great crowd of prophets of Baal packed together -on one side, and Isaac walking up and -down all alone on the other, putting up his -job. When time was called, Isaac let on to be -comfortable and indifferent; told the other -team to take the first innings. So they went -at it, the whole four hundred and fifty, praying -around the altar, very hopeful, and doing their -level best. They prayed an hour,—two hours,—three -hours,—and so on, plumb till noon. It -wa’n’t any use; they had n’t took a trick. Of -course they felt kind of ashamed before all -those people, and well they might. Now, -what would a magnanimous man do? Keep -still, wouldn’t he? Of course. What did -Isaac do? He gravelled the prophets of -Baal every way he could think of. Says he, -‘You don’t speak up loud enough; your god’s -<span class='pageno' id='Page_83'>83</span>asleep, like enough, or may be he’s taking a -walk; you want to holler, you know,’—or -words to that effect; I don’t recollect the exact -language. Mind, I don’t apologize for Isaac; -he had his faults.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Well, the prophets of Baal prayed along -the best they knew how all the afternoon, and -never raised a spark. At last, about sundown, -they were all tuckered out, and they owned up -and quit.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“What does Isaac do, now? He steps up -and says to some friends of his, there, ‘Pour -four barrels of water on the altar!’ Everybody -was astonished; for the other side had -prayed at it dry, you know, and got whitewashed. -They poured it on. Says he, ‘Heave -on four more barrels.’ Then he says, ‘Heave -on four more.’ Twelve barrels, you see, altogether. -The water ran all over the altar, and -all down the sides, and filled up a trench -around it that would hold a couple of hogsheads,—‘measures,’ -it says; I reckon it means -about a hogshead. Some of the people were -going to put on their things and go, for they -<span class='pageno' id='Page_84'>84</span>allowed he was crazy. They didn’t know -Isaac. Isaac knelt down and began to pray: -he strung along, and strung along, about the -heathen in distant lands, and about the sister -churches, and about the state and the country -at large, and about those that’s in authority in -the government, and all the usual programme, -you know, till everybody had got tired and -gone to thinking about something else, and -then, all of a sudden, when nobody was noticing, -he outs with a match and rakes it on the -under side of his leg, and pff! up the whole -thing blazes like a house afire! Twelve barrels -of <em>water</em>? <em>Petroleum</em>, sir, <span class='fss'>PETROLEUM</span>! -that’s what it was!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Petroleum, captain?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes, sir; the country was full of it. Isaac -knew all about that. You read the Bible. -Don’t you worry about the tough places. -They ain’t tough when you come to think -them out and throw light on them. There -ain’t a thing in the Bible but what is true; all -you want is to go prayerfully to work and -cipher out how ’t was done.”</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_85'>85</span> - <h2 class='c011'>A CURIOUS EXPERIENCE.</h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c016'>This is the story which the Major told me, -as nearly as I can recall it:—</p> - -<p class='c013'>In the winter of 1862–3, I was commandant -of Fort Trumbull, at New London, Conn. -Maybe our life there was not so brisk as life at -“the front”; still it was brisk enough, in its -way—one’s brains didn’t cake together there -for lack of something to keep them stirring. -For one thing, all the Northern atmosphere at -that time was thick with mysterious rumors—rumors -to the effect that rebel spies were flitting -everywhere, and getting ready to blow up -our Northern forts, burn our hotels, send infected -clothing into our towns, and all that -sort of thing. You remember it. All this had -a tendency to keep us awake, and knock the -traditional dulness out of garrison life. Besides, -ours was a recruiting station—which is -the same as saying we hadn’t any time to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_86'>86</span>waste in dozing, or dreaming, or fooling -around. Why, with all our watchfulness, fifty -per cent. of a day’s recruits would leak out of -our hands and give us the slip the same night. -The bounties were so prodigious that a recruit -could pay a sentinel three or four hundred dollars -to let him escape, and still have enough of -his bounty-money left to constitute a fortune -for a poor man. Yes, as I said before, our life -was not drowsy.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Well, one day I was in my quarters alone, -doing some writing, when a pale and ragged -lad of fourteen or fifteen entered, made a neat -bow, and said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I believe recruits are received here?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Will you please enlist me, sir?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Dear me, no! You are too young, my -boy, and too small.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>A disappointed look came into his face, and -quickly deepened into an expression of despondency. -He turned slowly away, as if to -go; hesitated, then faced me again, and said, -in a tone which went to my heart,—</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_87'>87</span>“I have no home, and not a friend in the -world. If you <em>could</em> only enlist me!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>But of course the thing was out of the question, -and I said so as gently as I could. Then -I told him to sit down by the stove and warm -himself, and added,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“You shall have something to eat, presently. -You are hungry?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>He did not answer; he did not need to; the -gratitude in his big soft eyes was more eloquent -than any words could have been. He -sat down by the stove, and I went on writing. -Occasionally I took a furtive glance at him. I -noticed that his clothes and shoes, although -soiled and damaged, were of good style and -material. This fact was suggestive. To it I -added the facts that his voice was low and -musical; his eyes deep and melancholy; his -carriage and address gentlemanly; evidently -the poor chap was in trouble. As a result, I -was interested.</p> - -<p class='c013'>However, I became absorbed in my work, -by and by, and forgot all about the boy. I -don’t know how long this lasted; but, at length, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_88'>88</span>I happened to look up. The boy’s back was -toward me, but his face was turned in such a -way that I could see one of his cheeks—and -down that cheek a rill of noiseless tears was -flowing.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“God bless my soul!” I said to myself; “I -forgot the poor rat was starving.” Then I -made amends for my brutality by saying to -him, “Come along, my lad; you shall dine -with <em>me</em>; I am alone to-day.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>He gave me another of those grateful looks, -and a happy light broke in his face. At the -table he stood with his hand on his chair-back -until I was seated, then seated himself. I took -up my knife and fork and—well, I simply held -them, and kept still; for the boy had inclined -his head and was saying a silent grace. A -thousand hallowed memories of home and my -childhood poured in upon me, and I sighed to -think how far I had drifted from religion and -its balm for hurt minds, its comfort and solace -and support.</p> - -<p class='c013'>As our meal progressed, I observed that -young Wicklow—Robert Wicklow was his full -<span class='pageno' id='Page_89'>89</span>name—knew what to do with his napkin; and—well, -in a word, I observed that he was a -boy of good breeding; never mind the details. -He had a simple frankness, too, which won -upon me. We talked mainly about himself, -and I had no difficulty in getting his history -out of him. When he spoke of his having -been born and reared in Louisiana, I warmed -to him decidedly, for I had spent some time -down there. I knew all the “coast” region of -the Mississippi, and loved it, and had not been -long enough away from it for my interest in it -to begin to pale. The very names that fell -from his lips sounded good to me,—so good -that I steered the talk in directions that would -bring them out. Baton Rouge, Plaquemine, -Donaldsonville, Sixty-mile Point, Bonnet-Carre, -the Stock-Landing, Carrollton, the -Steamship Landing, the Steamboat Landing, -New Orleans, Tchoupitoulas Street, the Esplanade, -the Rue des Bons Enfants, the St. -Charles Hotel, the Tivoli Circle, the Shell -Road, Lake Pontchartrain; and it was particularly -delightful to me to hear once more of the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_90'>90</span>“R. E. Lee,” the “Natchez,” the “Eclipse,” -the “General Quitman,” the “Duncan F. -Kenner,” and other old familiar steamboats. -It was almost as good as being back there, -these names so vividly reproduced in my mind -the look of the things they stood for. Briefly, -this was little Wicklow’s history:—</p> - -<p class='c013'>When the war broke out, he and his invalid -aunt and his father were living near Baton -Rouge, on a great and rich plantation which -had been in the family for fifty years. The -father was a Union man. He was persecuted -in all sorts of ways, but clung to his principles. -At last, one night, masked men burned his -mansion down, and the family had to fly for -their lives. They were hunted from place to -place, and learned all there was to know about -poverty, hunger, and distress. The invalid -aunt found relief at last: misery and exposure -killed her; she died in an open field, like a -tramp, the rain beating upon her and the thunder -booming overhead. Not long afterward, -the father was captured by an armed band; -and while the son begged and pleaded, the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_91'>91</span>victim was strung up before his face. [At this -point a baleful light shone in the youth’s eyes, -and he said, with the manner of one who talks -to himself: “If I cannot be enlisted, no matter—I -shall find a way—I shall find a way.”] As -soon as the father was pronounced dead, the -son was told that if he was not out of that region -within twenty-four hours, it would go -hard with him. That night he crept to the -riverside and hid himself near a plantation -landing. By and by the “Duncan F. Kenner” -stopped there, and he swam out and concealed -himself in the yawl that was dragging at her -stern. Before daylight the boat reached the -Stock-Landing, and he slipped ashore. He -walked the three miles which lay between that -point and the house of an uncle of his in Good-Children -Street, in New Orleans, and then his -troubles were over for the time being. But -this uncle was a Union man, too, and before -very long he concluded that he had better -leave the South. So he and young Wicklow -slipped out of the country on board a sailing -vessel, and in due time reached New York. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_92'>92</span>They put up at the Astor House. Young -Wicklow had a good time of it for a while, -strolling up and down Broadway, and observing -the strange Northern sights; but in the -end a change came,—and not for the better. -The uncle had been cheerful at first, but now he -began to look troubled and despondent; moreover, -he became moody and irritable; talked -of money giving out, and no way to get more,—“not -enough left for one, let alone two.” -Then, one morning, he was missing—did not -come to breakfast. The boy inquired at the -office, and was told that the uncle had paid his -bill the night before and gone away—to Boston, -the clerk believed, but was not certain.</p> - -<p class='c013'>The lad was alone and friendless. He did -not know what to do, but concluded he had -better try to follow and find his uncle. He -went down to the steamboat landing; learned -that the trifle of money in his pocket would not -carry him to Boston; however, it would carry -him to New London; so he took passage for -that port, resolving to trust to Providence to -furnish him means to travel the rest of the way. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_93'>93</span>He had now been wandering about the streets -of New London three days and nights, getting -a bite and a nap here and there for charity’s -sake. But he had given up at last; courage -and hope were both gone. If he could enlist, -nobody could be more thankful; if he could not -get in as a soldier, couldn’t he be a drummer-boy? -Ah, he would work <em>so</em> hard to please, -and would be so grateful!</p> - -<p class='c013'>Well, there’s the history of young Wicklow, -just as he told it to me, barring details. I -said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“My boy, you are among friends, now,—don’t -you be troubled any more.” How his -eyes glistened! I called in Sergeant John -Rayburn,—he was from Hartford; lives in -Hartford yet; maybe you know him,—and -said, “Rayburn, quarter this boy with the -musicians. I am going to enroll him as a -drummer-boy, and I want you to look after -him and see that he is well treated.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>Well, of course, intercourse between the -commandant of the post and the drummer-boy -came to an end, now; but the poor little -<span class='pageno' id='Page_94'>94</span>friendless chap lay heavy on my heart, just the -same. I kept on the lookout, hoping to see -him brighten up and begin to be cheery and -gay; but no, the days went by, and there was -no change. He associated with nobody; he -was always absent-minded, always thinking; -his face was always sad. One morning Rayburn -asked leave to speak to me privately. -Said he,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I hope I don’t offend, sir; but the truth is, -the musicians are in such a sweat it seems as if -somebody’s <em>got</em> to speak.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Why, what is the trouble?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“It’s the Wicklow boy, sir. The musicians -are down on him to an extent you can’t imagine.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Well, go on, go on. What has he been -doing?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Prayin’, sir.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Praying!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes, sir; the musicians haven’t any peace -of their life for that boy’s prayin’. First thing -in the morning he’s at it; noons he’s at it; and -nights—well, <em>nights</em> he just lays into ’em like -<span class='pageno' id='Page_95'>95</span>all possessed! Sleep? Bless you, they <em>can’t</em> -sleep: he’s got the floor, as the sayin’ is, and -then when he once gets his supplication-mill -a-goin’, there just simply ain’t any let-up <em>to</em> -him. He starts in with the band-master, and -he prays for him; next he takes the head -bugler, and he prays for him; next the bass -drum, and he scoops <em>him</em> in; and so on, right -straight through the band, givin’ them all a -show, and takin’ that amount of interest in it -which would make you think he thought he -warn’t but a little while for this world, and believed -he couldn’t be happy in heaven without -he had a brass band along, and wanted to pick -’em out for himself, so he could depend on ’em -to do up the national tunes in a style suitin’ to -the place. Well, sir, heavin’ boots at him don’t -have no effect; it’s dark in there; and, besides, -he don’t pray fair, anyway, but kneels down -behind the big drum; so it don’t make no difference -if they <em>rain</em> boots at him, <em>he</em> don’t give -a dern—warbles right along, same as if it was -applause. They sing out, ‘Oh, dry up!’ ‘Give -us a rest!’ ‘Shoot him!’ ‘Oh, take a walk!’ -<span class='pageno' id='Page_96'>96</span>and all sorts of such things. But what of it? -It don’t phaze him. <em>He</em> don’t mind it.” After -a pause: “Kind of a good little fool, too; gits -up in the mornin’ and carts all that stock of -boots back, and sorts ’em out and sets each -man’s pair where they belong. And they’ve -been throwed at him so much now, that he -knows every boot in the band,—can sort ’em -out with his eyes shut.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>After another pause, which I forebore to -interrupt,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“But the roughest thing about it is, that -when he’s done prayin’,—when he ever <em>does</em> -get done,—he pipes up and begins to <em>sing</em>. -Well, you know what a honey kind of a voice -he’s got when he talks; you know how it -would persuade a cast-iron dog to come down -off of a doorstep and lick his hand. Now if -you’ll take my word for it, sir, it ain’t a circumstance -to his singin’! Flute music is harsh to -that boy’s singin’. Oh, he just gurgles it out -so soft and sweet and low, there in the dark, -that it makes you think you are in heaven.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“What is there ‘rough’ about that?”</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_97'>97</span>“Ah, that’s just it, sir. You hear him sing</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b c018'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>“‘Just as I am—poor, wretched, blind,’</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c019'>—just you hear him sing that, once, and see if -you don’t melt all up and the water come into -your eyes! I don’t care <em>what</em> he sings, it goes -plum straight home to you—it goes deep down -to where you <em>live</em>—and it fetches you every -time! Just you hear him sing:—</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b c018'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>“‘Child of sin and sorrow, filled with dismay,</div> - <div class='line'>Wait not till to-morrow, yield thee to-day;</div> - <div class='line in12'>Grieve not that love</div> - <div class='line in12'>Which, from above’—</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c019'>and so on. It makes a body feel like the -wickedest, ungratefulest brute that walks. -And when he sings them songs of his about -home, and mother, and childhood, and old -friends dead and gone, it fetches everything -before your face that you’ve ever loved and -lost in all your life—and it’s just beautiful, it’s -just divine to listen to, sir—but, Lord, Lord, -the heart-break of it! The band—well, they -all cry—every rascal of them blubbers, and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_98'>98</span>don’t try to hide it, either; and first you know, -that very gang that’s been slammin’ boots at -that boy will skip out of their bunks all of a -sudden, and rush over in the dark and hug -him! Yes, they do—and slobber all over him, -and call him pet names, and beg him to forgive -them. And just at that time, if a regiment -was to offer to hurt a hair of that cub’s -head, they’d go for that regiment, if it was a -whole army corps!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>Another pause.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Is that all?” said I.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes, sir.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Well, dear me, what is the complaint? -What do they want done?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Done? Why, bless you, sir, they want -you to stop him from <em>singin’</em>.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“What an idea! You said his music was -divine.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“That’s just it. It’s <em>too</em> divine. Mortal man -can’t stand it. It stirs a body up so; it turns a -body inside out; it racks his feelin’s all to -rags; it makes him feel bad and wicked, and -not fit for any place but perdition. It keeps a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_99'>99</span>body in such an everlastin’ state of repentin’, -that nothin’ don’t taste good and there ain’t no -comfort in life. And then the <em>cryin’</em>, you see—every -mornin’ they are ashamed to look one -another in the face.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Well, this is an odd case, and a singular -complaint. So they really want the singing -stopped?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes, sir, that is the idea. They don’t -wish to ask too much; they would like powerful -well to have the prayin’ shut down on, or -leastways trimmed off around the edges; but -the main thing’s the singin’. If they can only -get the singin’ choked off, they think they can -stand the prayin’, rough as it is to be bullyragged -so much that way.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I told the sergeant I would take the matter -under consideration. That night I crept into -the musicians’ quarters and listened. The -sergeant had not overstated the case. I heard -the praying voice pleading in the dark; I -heard the execrations of the harassed men; I -heard the rain of boots whiz through the air, -and bang and thump around the big drum. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_100'>100</span>The thing touched me, but it amused me, too. -By and by, after an impressive silence, came -the singing. Lord, the pathos of it, the enchantment -of it! Nothing in the world was -ever so sweet, so gracious, so tender, so holy, -so moving. I made my stay very brief; I was -beginning to experience emotions of a sort not -proper to the commandant of a fortress.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Next day I issued orders which stopped the -praying and singing. Then followed three or -four days which were so full of bounty-jumping -excitements and irritations that I never once -thought of my drummer-boy. But now comes -Sergeant Rayburn, one morning, and says,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“That new boy acts mighty strange, sir.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“How?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Well, sir, he’s all the time writing.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Writing? What does he write—letters?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I don’t know, sir; but whenever he’s off -duty, he is always poking and nosing around -the fort, all by himself,—blest if I think there’s -a hole or corner in it he hasn’t been into,—and -every little while he outs with pencil and paper -and scribbles something down.”</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_101'>101</span>This gave me a most unpleasant sensation. -I wanted to scoff at it, but it was not a time to -scoff at <em>anything</em> that had the least suspicious -tinge about it. Things were happening all -around us, in the North, then, that warned us to -be always on the alert, and always suspecting. -I recalled to mind the suggestive fact that this -boy was from the South,—the extreme South, -Louisiana,—and the thought was not of a reassuring -nature, under the circumstances. -Nevertheless, it cost me a pang to give the -orders which I now gave to Rayburn. I felt -like a father who plots to expose his own child -to shame and injury. I told Rayburn to keep -quiet, bide his time, and get me some of those -writings whenever he could manage it without -the boy’s finding it out. And I charged him -not to do anything which might let the boy -discover that he was being watched. I also -ordered that he allow the lad his usual liberties, -but that he be followed at a distance when -he went out into the town.</p> - -<p class='c013'>During the next two days, Rayburn reported -to me several times. No success. The -<span class='pageno' id='Page_102'>102</span>boy was still writing, but he always pocketed -his paper with a careless air whenever Rayburn -appeared in his vicinity. He had gone -twice to an old deserted stable in the town, -remained a minute or two, and come out -again. One could not pooh-pooh these things—they -had an evil look. I was obliged to -confess to myself that I was getting uneasy. -I went into my private quarters and sent for -my second in command—an officer of intelligence -and judgment, son of General James -Watson Webb. He was surprised and troubled. -We had a long talk over the matter, and -came to the conclusion that it would be worth -while to institute a secret search. I determined -to take charge of that myself. So I -had myself called at two in the morning; and, -pretty soon after, I was in the musicians’ quarters, -crawling along the floor on my stomach -among the snorers. I reached my slumbering -waif’s bunk at last, without disturbing anybody, -captured his clothes and kit, and crawled -stealthily back again. When I got to my own -quarters, I found Webb there, waiting and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_103'>103</span>eager to know the result. We made search -immediately. The clothes were a disappointment. -In the pockets we found blank paper -and a pencil; nothing else, except a jackknife -and such queer odds and ends and useless -trifles as boys hoard and value. We -turned to the kit hopefully. Nothing there -but a rebuke for us!—a little Bible with this -written on the fly-leaf: “Stranger, be kind to -my boy, for his mother’s sake.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I looked at Webb—he dropped his eyes; he -looked at me—I dropped mine. Neither spoke. -I put the book reverently back in its place. -Presently Webb got up and went away, without -remark. After a little I nerved myself up -to my unpalatable job, and took the plunder -back to where it belonged, crawling on my -stomach as before. It seemed the peculiarly -appropriate attitude for the business I was -in.</p> - -<p class='c013'>I was most honestly glad when it was over -and done with.</p> - -<p class='c013'>About noon next day Rayburn came, as usual, -to report. I cut him short. I said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_104'>104</span>“Let this nonsense be dropped. We are -making a bugaboo out of a poor little cub -who has got no more harm in him than a -hymn-book.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>The sergeant looked surprised, and said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Well, you know it was your orders, sir, and -I’ve got some of the writing.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“And what does it amount to? How did -you get it?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I peeped through the key-hole, and see -him writing. So when I judged he was about -done, I made a sort of a little cough, and I see -him crumple it up and throw it in the fire, -and look all around to see if anybody was coming. -Then he settled back as comfortable and -careless as anything. Then I comes in, and -passes the time of day pleasantly, and sends -him of an errand. He never looked uneasy, -but went right along. It was a coal-fire and -new-built; the writing had gone over behind a -chunk, out of sight; but I got it out; there it is; -it ain’t hardly scorched, you see.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I glanced at the paper and took in a sentence -or two. Then I dismissed the sergeant and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_105'>105</span>told him to send Webb to me. Here is the -paper in full:—</p> - -<blockquote> -<div class='lg-container-r'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>“<span class='sc'>Fort Trumbull</span>, the 8th.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c013'>“<span class='sc'>Colonel</span>,—I was mistaken as to the calibre of the -three guns I ended my list with. They are 18–pounders; -all the rest of the armament is as I stated. The -garrison remains as before reported, except that the -two light infantry companies that were to be detached -for service at the front are to stay here for the present—can’t -find out for how long, just now, but will soon. -We are satisfied that, all things considered, matters -had better be postponed un—”</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>There it broke off—there is where Rayburn -coughed and interrupted the writer. All my -affection for the boy, all my respect for him and -charity for his forlorn condition, withered in a -moment under the blight of this revelation of -cold-blooded baseness.</p> - -<p class='c013'>But never mind about that. Here was business,—business -that required profound and immediate -attention, too. Webb and I turned -the subject over and over, and examined it all -around. Webb said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“What a pity he was interrupted! Something -is going to be postponed until—when? -And what <em>is</em> the something? Possibly he -<span class='pageno' id='Page_106'>106</span>would have mentioned it, the pious little reptile!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes,” I said, “we have missed a trick. -And who is ‘<em>we</em>,’ in the letter? Is it conspirators -inside the fort or outside?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>That “we” was uncomfortably suggestive. -However, it was not worth while to be guessing -around that, so we proceeded to matters -more practical. In the first place, we decided -to double the sentries and keep the strictest -possible watch. Next, we thought of calling -Wicklow in and making him divulge everything; -but that did not seem wisest until other -methods should fail. We must have some more -of the writings; so we began to plan to that -end. And now we had an idea: Wicklow -never went to the post-office,—perhaps the deserted -stable was his post-office. We sent for -my confidential clerk—a young German named -Sterne, who was a sort of natural detective—and -told him all about the case and ordered -him to go to work on it. Within the hour we -got word that Wicklow was writing again. -Shortly afterward, word came that he had -<span class='pageno' id='Page_107'>107</span>asked leave to go out into the town. He was -detained awhile, and meantime Sterne hurried -off and concealed himself in the stable. By -and by he saw Wicklow saunter in, look about -him, then hide something under some rubbish -in a corner, and take leisurely leave again. -Sterne pounced upon the hidden article—a letter—and -brought it to us. It had no superscription -and no signature. It repeated what we -had already read, and then went on to say:—</p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>“We think it best to postpone till the two companies -are gone. I mean the four inside think so; have not -communicated with the others—afraid of attracting -attention. I say four because we have lost two; they -had hardly enlisted and got inside when they were -shipped off to the front. It will be absolutely necessary -to have two in their places. The two that went -were the brothers from Thirty-mile Point. I have -something of the greatest importance to reveal, but -must not trust it to this method of communication; -will try the other.”</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>“The little scoundrel!” said Webb; “who -<em>could</em> have supposed he was a spy? However, -never mind about that; let us add up our particulars, -such as they are, and see how the case -stands to date. First, we’ve got a rebel spy in -<span class='pageno' id='Page_108'>108</span>our midst, whom we know; secondly, we’ve -got three more in our midst whom we don’t -know; thirdly, these spies have been introduced -among us through the simple and easy -process of enlisting as soldiers in the Union -army—and evidently two of them have got -sold at it, and been shipped off to the front; -fourthly, there are assistant spies ‘outside’—number -indefinite; fifthly, Wicklow has very -important matter which he is afraid to communicate -by the ‘present method’—will ‘try the -other.’ That is the case, as it now stands. -Shall we collar Wicklow and make him confess? -Or shall we catch the person who removes -the letters from the stable and make <em>him</em> -tell? Or shall we keep still and find out -more?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>We decided upon the last course. We -judged that we did not need to proceed to -summary measures now, since it was evident -that the conspirators were likely to wait till -those two light infantry companies were out of -the way. We fortified Sterne with pretty -ample powers, and told him to use his best endeavors -<span class='pageno' id='Page_109'>109</span>to find out Wicklow’s “other method” -of communication. We meant to play a bold -game; and to this end we proposed to keep -the spies in an unsuspecting state as long as -possible. So we ordered Sterne to return to -the stable immediately, and, if he found the -coast clear, to conceal Wicklow’s letter where -it was before, and leave it there for the conspirators -to get.</p> - -<p class='c013'>The night closed down without further event. -It was cold and dark and sleety, with a raw -wind blowing; still I turned out of my warm -bed several times during the night, and went -the rounds in person, to see that all was right -and that every sentry was on the alert. I always -found them wide awake and watchful; -evidently whispers of mysterious dangers had -been floating about, and the doubling of the -guards had been a kind of indorsement of those -rumors. Once, toward morning, I encountered -Webb, breasting his way against the bitter -wind, and learned then that he, also, had been -the rounds several times to see that all was -going right.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_110'>110</span>Next day’s events hurried things up somewhat. -Wicklow wrote another letter; Sterne -preceded him to the stable and saw him deposit -it; captured it as soon as Wicklow was -out of the way, then slipped out and followed -the little spy at a distance, with a detective in -plain clothes at his own heels, for we thought -it judicious to have the law’s assistance handy -in case of need. Wicklow went to the railway -station, and waited around till the train from -New York came in, then stood scanning the -faces of the crowd as they poured out of the -cars. Presently an aged gentleman, with green -goggles and a cane, came limping along, stopped -in Wicklow’s neighborhood, and began to -look about him expectantly. In an instant -Wicklow darted forward, thrust an envelope -into his hand, then glided away and disappeared -in the throng. The next instant -Sterne had snatched the letter; and as he hurried -past the detective, he said: “Follow the -old gentleman—don’t lose sight of him.” Then -Sterne skurried out with the crowd, and came -straight to the fort.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_111'>111</span>We sat with closed doors, and instructed -the guard outside to allow no interruption.</p> - -<p class='c013'>First we opened the letter captured at the -stable. It read as follows:—</p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>“<span class='sc'>Holy Alliance</span>,—Found, in the usual gun, commands -from the Master, left there last night, which set -aside the instructions heretofore received from the -subordinate quarter. Have left in the gun the usual -indication that the commands reached the proper -hand—”</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>Webb, interrupting: “Isn’t the boy under -constant surveillance now?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I said yes; he had been under strict surveillance -ever since the capturing of his former -letter.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Then how could he put anything into a -gun, or take anything out of it, and not get -caught?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Well,” I said, “I don’t like the look of that -very well.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I don’t, either,” said Webb. “It simply -means that there are conspirators among the -very sentinels. Without their connivance in -some way or other, the thing couldn’t have -been done.”</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_112'>112</span>I sent for Rayburn, and ordered him to -examine the batteries and see what he could -find. The reading of the letter was then resumed:—</p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>“The new commands are peremptory, and require -that the MMMM shall be FFFFF at 3 o’clock to-morrow -morning. Two hundred will arrive, in small -parties, by train and otherwise, from various directions, -and will be at appointed place at right time. I will -distribute the sign to-day. Success is apparently sure, -though something must have got out, for the sentries -have been doubled, and the chiefs went the rounds -last night several times. W. W. comes from southerly -to-day and will receive secret orders—by the other -method. All six of you must be in 166 at sharp 2 <span class='fss'>A. M.</span> -You will find B. B. there, who will give you detailed -instructions. Password same as last time, only reversed—put -first syllable last and last syllable first. -<span class='sc'>Remember</span> XXXX. Do not forget. Be of good -heart; before the next sun rises you will be heroes; -your fame will be permanent; you will have added a -deathless page to history. Amen.”</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>“Thunder and Mars,” said Webb, “but we -are getting into mighty hot quarters, as I look -at it!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I said there was no question but that things -were beginning to wear a most serious aspect. -Said I,—</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_113'>113</span>“A desperate enterprise is on foot, that is -plain enough. To-night is the time set for it,—that, -also, is plain. The exact nature of the -enterprise—I mean the manner of it—is hidden -away under those blind bunches of M’s -and F’s, but the end and aim, I judge, is the -surprise and capture of the post. We must -move quick and sharp now. I think nothing -can be gained by continuing our clandestine -policy as regards Wicklow. We <em>must</em> know, -and as soon as possible, too, where ‘166’ is -located, so that we can make a descent upon -the gang there at 2 <span class='fss'>A. M.</span>; and doubtless the -quickest way to get that information will be to -force it out of that boy. But first of all, and -before we make any important move, I must -lay the facts before the War Department, and -ask for plenary powers.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>The despatch was prepared in cipher to go -over the wires; I read it, approved it, and sent -it along.</p> - -<p class='c013'>We presently finished discussing the letter -which was under consideration, and then -opened the one which had been snatched from -<span class='pageno' id='Page_114'>114</span>the lame gentleman. It contained nothing but -a couple of perfectly blank sheets of note-paper! -It was a chilly check to our hot eagerness -and expectancy. We felt as blank as the -paper, for a moment, and twice as foolish. -But it was for a moment only; for, of course, -we immediately afterward thought of “sympathetic -ink.” We held the paper close to the -fire and watched for the characters to come -out, under the influence of the heat; but nothing -appeared but some faint tracings, which -we could make nothing of. We then called in -the surgeon, and sent him off with orders to -apply every test he was acquainted with till he -got the right one, and report the contents of the -letter to me the instant he brought them to the -surface. This check was a confounded annoyance, -and we naturally chafed under the delay; -for we had fully expected to get out of that letter -some of the most important secrets of the plot.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Now appeared Sergeant Rayburn, and drew -from his pocket a piece of twine string about a -foot long, with three knots tied in it, and held -it up.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_115'>115</span>“I got it out of a gun on the water-front,” -said he. “I took the tompions out of all the -guns and examined close; this string was the -only thing that was in any gun.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>So this bit of string was Wicklow’s “sign” to -signify that the “Master’s” commands had not -miscarried. I ordered that every sentinel who -had served near that gun during the past twenty-four -hours be put in confinement at once and -separately, and not allowed to communicate -with any one without my privity and consent.</p> - -<p class='c013'>A telegram now came from the Secretary of -War. It read as follows:—</p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>“Suspend <i><span lang="la" xml:lang="la">habeas corpus</span></i>. Put town under martial -law. Make necessary arrests. Act with vigor and -promptness. Keep the Department informed.”</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>We were now in shape to go to work. I -sent out and had the lame gentleman quietly -arrested and as quietly brought into the fort; -I placed him under guard, and forbade speech -to him or from him. He was inclined to bluster -at first, but he soon dropped that.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Next came word that Wicklow had been -seen to give something to a couple of our new -<span class='pageno' id='Page_116'>116</span>recruits; and that, as soon as his back was -turned, these had been seized and confined. -Upon each was found a small bit of paper, -bearing these words and signs in pencil:—</p> - -<div class='box'> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c020'> - <div><span class='sc'>Eagle’s Third Flight.</span></div> - <div><span class='sc'>Remember xxxx.</span></div> - <div>166.</div> - </div> -</div> - -</div> - -<p class='c013'>In accordance with instructions, I telegraphed -to the Department, in cipher, the -progress made, and also described the above -ticket. We seemed to be in a strong enough -position now to venture to throw off the mask -as regarded Wicklow; so I sent for him. I -also sent for and received back the letter written -in sympathetic ink, the surgeon accompanying -it with the information that thus far it -had resisted his tests, but that there were others -he could apply when I should be ready for -him to do so.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Presently Wicklow entered. He had a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_117'>117</span>somewhat worn and anxious look, but he was -composed and easy, and if he suspected anything -it did not appear in his face or manner. -I allowed him to stand there a moment or two, -then I said pleasantly,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“My boy, why do you go to that old stable -so much?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>He answered, with simple demeanor and -without embarrassment,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Well, I hardly know, sir; there isn’t any -particular reason, except that I like to be -alone, and I amuse myself there.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“You amuse yourself there, do you?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes, sir,” he replied, as innocently and -simply as before.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Is that all you do there?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes, sir,” he said, looking up with childlike -wonderment in his big soft eyes.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“You are <em>sure</em>?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes, sir, sure.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>After a pause, I said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Wicklow, why do you write so much?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I? I do not write much, sir.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“You don’t?”</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_118'>118</span>“No, sir. Oh, if you mean scribbling, I <em>do</em> -scribble some, for amusement.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“What do you do with your scribblings?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Nothing, sir—throw them away.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Never send them to anybody?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“No, sir.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I suddenly thrust before him the letter to the -“Colonel.” He started slightly, but immediately -composed himself. A slight tinge spread -itself over his cheek.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“How came you to send <em>this</em> piece of scribbling, -then?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I nev—never meant any harm, sir.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Never meant any harm! You betray the -armament and condition of the post, and mean -no harm by it?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>He hung his head and was silent.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Come, speak up, and stop lying. Whom -was this letter intended for?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>He showed signs of distress, now; but quickly -collected himself, and replied, in a tone of -deep earnestness,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I will tell you the truth, sir—the whole -truth. The letter was never intended for anybody -<span class='pageno' id='Page_119'>119</span>at all. I wrote it only to amuse myself. -I see the error and foolishness of it, now,—but -it is the only offence, sir, upon my honor.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Ah, I am glad of that. It is dangerous to -be writing such letters. I hope you are sure -this is the only one you wrote?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes, sir, perfectly sure.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>His hardihood was stupefying. He told that -lie with as sincere a countenance as any creature -ever wore. I waited a moment to soothe -down my rising temper, and then said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Wicklow, jog your memory now, and see -if you can help me with two or three little matters -which I wish to inquire about.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I will do my very best, sir.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Then, to begin with—who is ‘the Master’?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>It betrayed him into darting a startled -glance at our faces, but that was all. He was -serene again in a moment, and tranquilly -answered,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I do not know, sir.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“You do not know?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I do not know.”</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_120'>120</span>“You are <em>sure</em> you do not know?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>He tried hard to keep his eyes on mine, but -the strain was too great; his chin sunk slowly -toward his breast and he was silent; he stood -there nervously fumbling with a button, an object -to command one’s pity, in spite of his base -acts. Presently I broke the stillness with the -question,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Who are the ‘Holy Alliance’?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>His body shook visibly, and he made a slight -random gesture with his hands, which to me -was like the appeal of a despairing creature for -compassion. But he made no sound. He continued -to stand with his face bent toward the -ground. As we sat gazing at him, waiting for -him to speak, we saw the big tears begin to roll -down his cheeks. But he remained silent. After -a little, I said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“You must answer me, my boy, and you -must tell me the truth. Who are the Holy Alliance?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>He wept on in silence. Presently I said, -somewhat sharply,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Answer the question!”</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_121'>121</span>He struggled to get command of his voice; -and then, looking up appealingly, forced the -words out between his sobs,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Oh, have pity on me, sir! I cannot answer -it, for I do not know.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“What!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Indeed, sir, I am telling the truth. I never -have heard of the Holy Alliance till this moment. -On my honor, sir, this is so.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Good heavens! Look at this second -letter of yours; there, do you see those -words, ‘<em>Holy Alliance</em>?’ What do you say -now?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>He gazed up into my face with the hurt look -of one upon whom a great wrong had been -wrought, then said, feelingly,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“This is some cruel joke, sir; and how could -they play it upon me, who have tried all I -could to do right, and have never done harm -to anybody? Some one has counterfeited my -hand; I never wrote a line of this; I have -never seen this letter before!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Oh, you unspeakable liar! Here, what do -you say to <em>this</em>?”—and I snatched the sympathetic ink -<span class='pageno' id='Page_122'>122</span>letter from my pocket and thrust it -before his eyes.</p> - -<p class='c013'>His face turned white!—as white as a dead -person’s. He wavered slightly in his tracks, -and put his hand against the wall to steady -himself. After a moment he asked, in so faint -a voice that it was hardly audible,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Have you-read it?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>Our faces must have answered the truth before -my lips could get out a false “yes,” for I -distinctly saw the courage come back into that -boy’s eyes. I waited for him to say something, -but he kept silent. So at last I said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Well, what have you to say as to the revelations -in this letter?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>He answered, with perfect composure,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Nothing, except that they are entirely -harmless and innocent; they can hurt nobody.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I was in something of a corner now, as I -couldn’t disprove his assertion. I did not know -exactly how to proceed. However, an idea -came to my relief, and I said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“You are sure you know nothing about the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_123'>123</span>Master and the Holy Alliance, and did not -write the letter which you say is a forgery?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes, sir—sure.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I slowly drew out the knotted twine string -and held it up without speaking. He gazed at -it indifferently, then looked at me inquiringly. -My patience was sorely taxed. However, I -kept my temper down, and said in my usual -voice,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Wicklow, do you see this?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes, sir.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“What is it?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“It seems to be a piece of string.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“<em>Seems?</em> It <em>is</em> a piece of string. Do you -recognize it?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“No, sir,” he replied, as calmly as the words -could be uttered.</p> - -<p class='c013'>His coolness was perfectly wonderful! I -paused now for several seconds, in order that -the silence might add impressiveness to what -I was about to say; then I rose and laid my -hand on his shoulder, and said gravely,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“It will do you no good, poor boy, none in -the world. This sign to the ‘Master,’ this -<span class='pageno' id='Page_124'>124</span>knotted string, found in one of the guns on the -water-front—”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Found <em>in</em> the gun! Oh, no, no, no! do not -say <em>in</em> the gun, but in a crack in the tompion!—it -<em>must</em> have been in the crack!” and down -he went on his knees and clasped his hands -and lifted up a face that was pitiful to see, -so ashy it was, and wild with terror.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“No, it was <em>in</em> the gun.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Oh, something has gone wrong! My God, -I am lost!” and he sprang up and darted this -way and that, dodging the hands that were put -out to catch him, and doing his best to escape -from the place. But of course escape was impossible. -Then he flung himself on his knees -again, crying with all his might, and clasped -me around the legs; and so he clung to me and -begged and pleaded, saying, “Oh, have pity -on me! Oh, be merciful to me! Do not betray -me; they would not spare my life a moment! -Protect me, save me. I will confess -everything!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>It took us some time to quiet him down -and modify his fright, and get him into something -<span class='pageno' id='Page_125'>125</span>like a rational frame of mind. Then -I began to question him, he answering -humbly, with downcast eyes, and from time -to time swabbing away his constantly flowing -tears.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“So you are at heart a rebel?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes, sir.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“And a spy?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes, sir.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“And have been acting under distinct orders -from outside?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes, sir.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Willingly?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes, sir.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“<em>Gladly</em>, perhaps?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes, sir; it would do no good to deny it. -The South is my country; my heart is Southern, -and it is all in her cause.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Then the tale you told me of your wrongs -and the persecution of your family was made -up for the occasion?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“They—they told me to say it, sir.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“And you would betray and destroy those -who pitied and sheltered you. Do you comprehend -<span class='pageno' id='Page_126'>126</span>how base you are, you poor misguided -thing?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>He replied with sobs only.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Well, let that pass. To business. Who is -the ‘Colonel,’ and where is he?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>He began to cry hard, and tried to beg off -from answering. He said he would be killed -if he told. I threatened to put him in the dark -cell and lock him up if he did not come out -with the information. At the same time I -promised to protect him from all harm if he -made a clean breast. For all answer, he closed -his mouth firmly and put on a stubborn air -which I could not bring him out of. At last I -started with him; but a single glance into the -dark cell converted him. He broke into a -passion of weeping and supplicating, and declared -he would tell everything.</p> - -<p class='c013'>So I brought him back, and he named the -“Colonel,” and described him particularly. -Said he would be found at the principal hotel -in the town, in citizen’s dress. I had to -threaten him again, before he would describe -and name the “Master.” Said the Master -<span class='pageno' id='Page_127'>127</span>would be found at No. 15 Bond Street, New -York, passing under the name of R. F. Gaylord. -I telegraphed name and description to -the chief of police of the metropolis, and asked -that Gaylord be arrested and held till I could -send for him.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Now,” said I, “it seems that there are several -of the conspirators ‘outside,’ presumably -in New London. Name and describe them.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>He named and described three men and two -women,—all stopping at the principal hotel. I -sent out quietly, and had them and the “Colonel” -arrested and confined in the fort.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Next, I want to know all about your three -fellow-conspirators who are here in the fort.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>He was about to dodge me with a falsehood, -I thought; but I produced the mysterious bits -of paper which had been found upon two of -them, and this had a salutary effect upon him. -I said we had possession of two of the men, and -he must point out the third. This frightened -him badly, and he cried out,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Oh, please don’t make me; he would kill -me on the spot!”</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_128'>128</span>I said that that was all nonsense; I would -have somebody near by to protect him, and, -besides, the men should be assembled without -arms. I ordered all the raw recruits to be -mustered, and then the poor trembling little -wretch went out and stepped along down the -line, trying to look as indifferent as possible. -Finally he spoke a single word to one of the -men, and before he had gone five steps the -man was under arrest.</p> - -<p class='c013'>As soon as Wicklow was with us again, I -had those three men brought in. I made one -of them stand forward, and said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Now, Wicklow, mind, not a shade’s divergence -from the exact truth. Who is this man, -and what do you know about him?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>Being “in for it,” he cast consequences aside, -fastened his eyes on the man’s face, and spoke -straight along without hesitation,—to the following -effect.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“His real name is George Bristow. He is -from New Orleans; was second mate of the -coast-packet ‘Capitol,’ two years ago; is a -desperate character, and has served two terms -<span class='pageno' id='Page_129'>129</span>for manslaughter,—one for killing a deck-hand -named Hyde with a capstan-bar, and one for -killing a roustabout for refusing to heave the -lead, which is no part of a roustabout’s business. -He is a spy, and was sent here by the -Colonel, to act in that capacity. He was third -mate of the ‘St. Nicholas,’ when she blew up -in the neighborhood of Memphis, in ’58, and -came near being lynched for robbing the dead -and wounded while they were being taken -ashore in an empty wood-boat.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>And so forth and so on—he gave the man’s -biography in full. When he had finished, I -said to the man,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“What have you to say to this?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Barring your presence, sir, it is the infernalest -lie that ever was spoke!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I sent him back into confinement, and called -the others forward in turn. Same result. The -boy gave a detailed history of each, without -ever hesitating for a word or a fact; but all I -could get out of either rascal was the indignant -assertion that it was all a lie. They would -confess nothing. I returned them to captivity, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_130'>130</span>and brought out the rest of my prisoners, one -by one. Wicklow told all about them—what -towns in the South they were from, and every -detail of their connection with the conspiracy.</p> - -<p class='c013'>But they all denied his facts, and not one of -them confessed a thing. The men raged, the -women cried. According to their stories, -they were all innocent people from out West, -and loved the Union above all things in this -world. I locked the gang up, in disgust, and -fell to catechising Wicklow once more.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Where is No. 166, and who is B. B.?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>But <em>there</em> he was determined to draw the -line. Neither coaxing nor threats had any -effect upon him. Time was flying—it was -necessary to institute sharp measures. So I -tied him up a-tiptoe by the thumbs. As the -pain increased, it wrung screams from him -which were almost more than I could bear. -But I held my ground, and pretty soon he -shrieked out,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Oh, <em>please</em> let me down, and I will tell!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“No—you’ll tell <em>before</em> I let you down.”</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_131'>131</span>Every instant was agony to him, now, so out -it came,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“No. 166, Eagle Hotel!”—naming a wretched -tavern down by the water, a resort of common -laborers, ’longshoremen, and less reputable -folk.</p> - -<p class='c013'>So I released him, and then demanded to -know the object of the conspiracy.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“To take the fort to-night,” said he, doggedly -and sobbing.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Have I got all the chiefs of the conspiracy?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“No. You’ve got all except those that are -to meet at 166.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“What does ‘Remember XXXX’ mean?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>No reply.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“What is the password to No. 166?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>No reply.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“What do those bunches of letters mean,—‘FFFFF’ -and ‘MMMM’? Answer! or you -will catch it again.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I never <em>will</em> answer! I will die first. Now -do what you please.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Think what you are saying, Wicklow. Is -it final?”</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_132'>132</span>He answered steadily, and without a quiver -in his voice,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“It is final. As sure as I love my wronged -country and hate everything this Northern -sun shines on, I will die before I will reveal -those things.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I triced him up by the thumbs again. When -the agony was full upon him, it was heart-breaking -to hear the poor thing’s shrieks, but -we got nothing else out of him. To every -question he screamed the same reply: “I can -die, and I <em>will</em> die; but I will never tell.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>Well, we had to give it up. We were convinced -that he certainly would die rather than -confess. So we took him down and imprisoned -him, under strict guard.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Then for some hours we busied ourselves -with sending telegrams to the War Department, -and with making preparations for a descent -upon No. 166.</p> - -<p class='c013'>It was stirring times, that black and bitter -night. Things had leaked out, and the whole -garrison was on the alert. The sentinels were -trebled, and nobody could move, outside or in, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_133'>133</span>without being brought to a stand with a musket -levelled at his head. However, Webb and -I were less concerned now than we had previously -been, because of the fact that the conspiracy -must necessarily be in a pretty crippled -condition, since so many of its principals were -in our clutches.</p> - -<p class='c013'>I determined to be at No. 166 in good season, -capture and gag B. B., and be on hand -for the rest when they arrived. At about a -quarter past one in the morning I crept out of -the fortress with half a dozen stalwart and -gamy U.S. regulars at my heels—and the boy -Wicklow, with his hands tied behind him. I -told him we were going to No. 166, and that if -I found he had lied again and was misleading -us, he would have to show us the right place -or suffer the consequences.</p> - -<p class='c013'>We approached the tavern stealthily and -reconnoitred. A light was burning in the -small bar-room, the rest of the house was -dark. I tried the front door; it yielded, and -we softly entered, closing the door behind us. -Then we removed our shoes, and I led the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_134'>134</span>way to the bar-room. The German landlord -sat there, asleep in his chair. I woke him -gently, and told him to take off his boots and -precede us; warning him at the same time to -utter no sound. He obeyed without a murmur, -but evidently he was badly frightened. -I ordered him to lead the way to 166. We -ascended two or three flights of stairs as softly -as a file of cats; and then, having arrived near -the farther end of a long hall, we came to a -door through the glazed transom of which we -could discern the glow of a dim light from -within. The landlord felt for me in the dark -and whispered me that that was 166. I tried -the door—it was locked on the inside. I whispered -an order to one of my biggest soldiers; -we set our ample shoulders to the door and -with one heave we burst it from its hinges. I -caught a half-glimpse of a figure in a bed—saw -its head dart toward the candle; out went -the light, and we were in pitch darkness. -With one big bound I lit on that bed and -pinned its occupant down with my knees. My -prisoner struggled fiercely, but I got a grip on -<span class='pageno' id='Page_135'>135</span>his throat with my left hand, and that was a -good assistance to my knees in holding him -down. Then straightway I snatched out my -revolver, cocked it, and laid the cold barrel -warningly against his cheek.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Now somebody strike a light!” said I. -“I’ve got him safe.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>It was done. The flame of the match burst -up. I looked at my captive, and, by George, -it was a young woman!</p> - -<p class='c013'>I let go and got off the bed, feeling pretty -sheepish. Everybody stared stupidly at his -neighbor. Nobody had any wit or sense left, -so sudden and overwhelming had been the -surprise. The young woman began to cry, -and covered her face with the sheet. The -landlord said, meekly,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“My daughter, she has been doing something -that is not right, <i><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">nicht wahr</span></i>?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Your daughter? Is she your daughter?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Oh, yes, she is my daughter. She is just -to-night come home from Cincinnati a little -bit sick.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Confound it, that boy has lied again. This -<span class='pageno' id='Page_136'>136</span>is not the right 166; this is not B. B. Now, -Wicklow, you will find the correct 166 for us, -or—hello! where is that boy?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>Gone, as sure as guns! And, what is more, -we failed to find a trace of him. Here was an -awkward predicament. I cursed my stupidity -in not tying him to one of the men; but it was -of no use to bother about that now. What -should I do in the present circumstances?—that -was the question. That girl <em>might</em> be -B. B., after all. I did not believe it, but still it -would not answer to take unbelief for proof. -So I finally put my men in a vacant room -across the hall from 166, and told them to capture -anybody and everybody that approached -the girl’s room, and to keep the landlord with -them, and under strict watch, until further orders. -Then I hurried back to the fort to see -if all was right there yet.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Yes, all was right. And all remained right. -I stayed up all night to make sure of that. -Nothing happened. I was unspeakably glad -to see the dawn come again, and be able -to telegraph the Department that the Stars -<span class='pageno' id='Page_137'>137</span>and Stripes still floated over Fort Trumbull.</p> - -<p class='c013'>An immense pressure was lifted from my -breast. Still I did not relax vigilance, of -course, nor effort either; the case was too -grave for that. I had up my prisoners, one by -one, and harried them by the hour, trying to -get them to confess, but it was a failure. They -only gnashed their teeth and tore their hair, -and revealed nothing.</p> - -<p class='c013'>About noon came tidings of my missing boy. -He had been seen on the road, tramping westward, -some eight miles out, at six in the morning. -I started a cavalry lieutenant and a private -on his track at once. They came in sight -of him twenty miles out. He had climbed a -fence and was wearily dragging himself across -a slushy field toward a large old-fashioned -mansion in the edge of a village. They rode -through a bit of woods, made a detour, and -closed up on the house from the opposite side; -then dismounted and skurried into the kitchen. -Nobody there. They slipped into the next -room, which was also unoccupied; the door -<span class='pageno' id='Page_138'>138</span>from that room into the front or sitting-room -was open. They were about to step through -it when they heard a low voice; it was somebody -praying. So they halted reverently, and -the lieutenant put his head in and saw an old -man and an old woman kneeling in a corner -of that sitting-room. It was the old man that -was praying, and just as he was finishing his -prayer, the Wicklow boy opened the front -door and stepped in. Both of those old people -sprang at him and smothered him with embraces, -shouting,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Our boy! our darling! God be praised. -The lost is found! He that was dead is alive -again!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>Well, sir, what do you think! That young -imp was born and reared on that homestead, -and had never been five miles away from it in -all his life, till the fortnight before he loafed -into my quarters and gulled me with that -maudlin yarn of his! It’s as true as gospel. -That old man was his father—a learned old -retired clergyman; and that old lady was his -mother.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_139'>139</span>Let me throw in a word or two of explanation -concerning that boy and his performances. -It turned out that he was a ravenous devourer -of dime novels and sensation-story papers—therefore, -dark mysteries and gaudy heroisms -were just in his line. Then he had read newspaper -reports of the stealthy goings and comings -of rebel spies in our midst, and of their -lurid purposes and their two or three startling -achievements, till his imagination was all -aflame on that subject. His constant comrade -for some months had been a Yankee youth of -much tongue and lively fancy, who had served -for a couple of years as “mud clerk” (that is, -subordinate purser) on certain of the packet-boats -plying between New Orleans and points -two or three hundred miles up the Mississippi—hence -his easy facility in handling the names -and other details pertaining to that region. -Now I had spent two or three months in that -part of the country before the war; and I knew -just enough about it to be easily taken in by -that boy, whereas a born Louisianian would -probably have caught him tripping before he -<span class='pageno' id='Page_140'>140</span>had talked fifteen minutes. Do you know the -reason he said he would rather die than explain -certain of his treasonable enigmas? -Simply because he <em>couldn’t</em> explain them!—they -had no meaning; he had fired them out -of his imagination without forethought or afterthought; -and so, upon sudden call, he wasn’t -able to invent an explanation of them. For -instance, he couldn’t reveal what was hidden -in the “sympathetic ink” letter, for the ample -reason that there wasn’t anything hidden in -it; it was blank paper only. He hadn’t put -anything into a gun, and had never intended -to—for his letters were all written to imaginary -persons, and when he hid one in the stable he -always removed the one he had put there the -day before; so he was not acquainted with -that knotted string, since he was seeing it for -the first time when I showed it to him; but as -soon as I had let him find out where it came -from, he straightway adopted it, in his romantic -fashion, and got some fine effects out of it. -He invented Mr. “Gaylord;” there wasn’t -any 15 Bond Street, just then—it had been -<span class='pageno' id='Page_141'>141</span>pulled down three months before. He invented -the “Colonel;” he invented the glib -histories of those unfortunates whom I captured -and confronted with him; he invented -“B. B.;” he even invented No. 166, one may -say, for he didn’t know there <em>was</em> such a -number in the Eagle Hotel until we went -there. He stood ready to invent anybody or -anything whenever it was wanted. If I called -for “outside” spies, he promptly described -strangers whom he had seen at the hotel, and -whose names he had happened to hear. Ah, -he lived in a gorgeous, mysterious, romantic -world during those few stirring days, and I -think it was <em>real</em> to him, and that he enjoyed -it clear down to the bottom of his heart.</p> - -<p class='c013'>But he made trouble enough for us, and just -no end of humiliation. You see, on account -of him we had fifteen or twenty people under -arrest and confinement in the fort, with sentinels -before their doors. A lot of the captives -were soldiers and such, and to them I didn’t -have to apologize; but the rest were first-class -citizens, from all over the country, and no -<span class='pageno' id='Page_142'>142</span>amount of apologies was sufficient to satisfy -them. They just fumed and raged and made -no end of trouble! And those two ladies,—one -was an Ohio Congressman’s wife, the other -a Western bishop’s sister,—well, the scorn and -ridicule and angry tears they poured out on -me made up a keepsake that was likely to -make me remember them for a considerable -time,—and I shall. That old lame gentleman -with the goggles was a college president from -Philadelphia, who had come up to attend his -nephew’s funeral. He had never seen young -Wicklow before, of course. Well, he not only -missed the funeral, and got jailed as a rebel -spy, but Wicklow had stood up there in my -quarters and coldly described him as a counterfeiter, -nigger-trader, horse-thief, and fire-bug -from the most notorious rascal-nest in Galveston; -and this was a thing which that poor old -gentleman couldn’t seem to get over at all.</p> - -<p class='c013'>And the War Department! But, O my -soul, let’s draw the curtain over that part!</p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>Note.—I showed my manuscript to the Major, and he -said: “Your unfamiliarity with military matters has betrayed -<span class='pageno' id='Page_143'>143</span>you into some little mistakes. Still, they are picturesque -ones—let them go; military men will smile at -them, the rest won’t detect them. You have got the main -facts of the history right, and have set them down just -about as they occurred.”—M. T.</p> -</blockquote> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_144'>144</span> - <h2 class='c011'>MRS. McWILLIAMS AND THE LIGHTNING.</h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c016'>Well, sir,—continued Mr. McWilliams, -for this was not the beginning of his -talk;—the fear of lightning is one of the most -distressing infirmities a human being can be -afflicted with. It is mostly confined to women; -but now and then you find it in a little dog, -and sometimes in a man. It is a particularly -distressing infirmity, for the reason that it -takes the sand out of a person to an extent -which no other fear can, and it can’t be <em>reasoned</em> -with, and neither can it be shamed out -of a person. A woman who could face the -very devil himself—or a mouse—loses her grip -and goes all to pieces in front of a flash of -lightning. Her fright is something pitiful to -see.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Well, as I was telling you, I woke up, with -that smothered and unlocatable cry of “Mortimer! -<span class='pageno' id='Page_145'>145</span>Mortimer!” wailing in my ears; and -as soon as I could scrape my faculties together -I reached over in the dark and then said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Evangeline, is that you calling? What is -the matter? Where are you?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Shut up in the boot-closet. You ought to -be ashamed to lie there and sleep so, and such -an awful storm going on.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Why, how <em>can</em> one be ashamed when he is -asleep? It is unreasonable; a man <em>can’t</em> be -ashamed when he is asleep, Evangeline.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“You never try, Mortimer,—you know very -well you never try.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I caught the sound of muffled sobs.</p> - -<p class='c013'>That sound smote dead the sharp speech -that was on my lips, and I changed it to—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I’m sorry, dear,—I’m truly sorry. I never -meant to act so. Come back and—”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“<span class='sc'>Mortimer!</span>”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Heavens! what is the matter, my love?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Do you mean to say you are in that bed -yet?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Why, of course.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Come out of it instantly. I should think -<span class='pageno' id='Page_146'>146</span>you would take some <em>little</em> care of your life, for -<em>my</em> sake and the children’s, if you will not for -your own.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“But my love—”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Don’t talk to me, Mortimer. You <em>know</em> -there is no place so dangerous as a bed, in -such a thunder-storm as this,—all the books -say that; yet there you would lie, and deliberately -throw away your life,—for goodness -knows what, unless for the sake of arguing and -arguing, and—”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“But, confound it, Evangeline, I’m <em>not</em> in the -bed, <em>now</em>. I’m—”</p> - -<p class='c013'>[Sentence interrupted by a sudden glare of -lightning, followed by a terrified little scream -from Mrs. McWilliams and a tremendous blast -of thunder.]</p> - -<p class='c013'>“There! You see the result. Oh, Mortimer, -how <em>can</em> you be so profligate as to swear -at such a time as this?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I <em>didn’t</em> swear. And that <em>wasn’t</em> a result -of it, any way. It would have come, just the -same, if I hadn’t said a word; and you know -very well, Evangeline,—at least you ought to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_147'>147</span>know,—that when the atmosphere is charged -with electricity—”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Oh, yes, now argue it, and argue it, and -argue it!—I don’t see how you can act so, -when you <em>know</em> there is not a lightning-rod on -the place, and your poor wife and children are -absolutely at the mercy of Providence. What -<em>are</em> you doing?—lighting a match at such a -time as this! Are you stark mad?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Hang it, woman, where’s the harm? The -place is as dark as the inside of an infidel, -and—”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Put it out! put it out instantly! Are you -determined to sacrifice us all? You <em>know</em> there -is nothing attracts lightning like a light. [<em>Fzt!—crash! -boom—boloom-boom-boom!</em>] Oh, -just hear it! Now you see what you’ve -done!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“No, I <em>don’t</em> see what I’ve done. A match -may attract lightning, for all I know, but it -don’t <em>cause</em> lightning,—I’ll go odds on that. -And it didn’t attract it worth a cent this time; -for if that shot was levelled at my match, it -was blessed poor marksmanship,—about an -<span class='pageno' id='Page_148'>148</span>average of none out of a possible million, I -should say. Why, at Dollymount, such marksmanship -as that—”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“For shame, Mortimer! Here we are -standing right in the very presence of death, -and yet in so solemn a moment you are capable -of using such language as that. If you -have no desire to—Mortimer!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Well?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Did you say your prayers to-night?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I—I—meant to, but I got to trying to -cipher out how much twelve times thirteen is, -and—”</p> - -<p class='c013'>[<em>Fzt!—boom-berroom-boom! bumble-umble -bang</em>-<span class='fss'>SMASH</span>!]</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Oh, we are lost, beyond all help! How -<em>could</em> you neglect such a thing at such a time -as this?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“But it <em>wasn’t</em> ‘such a time as this.’ There -wasn’t a cloud in the sky. How could <em>I</em> know -there was going to be all this rumpus and powwow -about a little slip like that? And I don’t -think it’s just fair for you to make so much out -of it, any way, seeing it happens so seldom; I -<span class='pageno' id='Page_149'>149</span>haven’t missed before since I brought on that -earthquake, four years ago.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“<span class='sc'>Mortimer!</span> How you talk! Have you -forgotten the yellow fever?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“My dear, you are always throwing up the -yellow fever to me, and I think it is perfectly -unreasonable. You can’t even send a telegraphic -message as far as Memphis without -relays, so how is a little devotional slip of -mine going to carry so far? I’ll <em>stand</em> the -earthquake, because it was in the neighborhood; -but I’ll be hanged if I’m going to be responsible -for every blamed—”</p> - -<p class='c013'>[<em>Fzt!</em>—<span class='fss'>BOOM</span> <em>beroom</em>-boom! boom!—BANG!]</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Oh, dear, dear, dear! I <em>know</em> it struck -something, Mortimer. We never shall see the -light of another day; and if it will do you any -good to remember, when we are gone, that -your dreadful language—<em>Mortimer</em>!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“<span class='sc'>Well!</span> What now?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Your voice sounds as if— Mortimer, are -you actually standing in front of that open -fireplace?”</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_150'>150</span>“That is the very crime I am committing.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Get away from it, this moment. You do -seem determined to bring destruction on us -all. Don’t you <em>know</em> that there is no better -conductor for lightning than an open chimney? -<em>Now</em> where have you got to?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I’m here by the window.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Oh, for pity’s sake, have you lost your -mind? Clear out from there, this moment. -The very children in arms know it is fatal to -stand near a window in a thunder-storm. -Dear, dear, I know I shall never see the light -of another day. Mortimer?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“What is that rustling?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“It’s me.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“What are you doing?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Trying to find the upper end of my pantaloons.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Quick! throw those things away! I do -believe you would deliberately put on those -clothes at such a time as this; yet you know -perfectly well that <em>all</em> authorities agree that -woolen stuffs attract lightning. Oh, dear, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_151'>151</span>dear, it isn’t sufficient that one’s life must be in -peril from natural causes, but you must do -everything you can possibly think of to augment -the danger. Oh, <em>don’t</em> sing! What <em>can</em> -you be thinking of?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Now where’s the harm in it?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Mortimer, if I have told you once, I have -told you a hundred times, that singing causes -vibrations in the atmosphere which interrupt -the flow of the electric fluid, and—What on -<em>earth</em> are you opening that door for?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Goodness gracious, woman, is there is any -harm in <em>that</em>?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“<em>Harm?</em> There’s <em>death</em> in it. Anybody -that has given this subject any attention knows -that to create a draught is to invite the lightning. -You haven’t half shut it; shut it <em>tight</em>,—and -do hurry, or we are all destroyed. Oh, -it is an awful thing to be shut up with a lunatic -at such a time as this. Mortimer, what <em>are</em> you -doing?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Nothing. Just turning on the water. -This room is smothering hot and close. I -want to bathe my face and hands.”</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_152'>152</span>“You have certainly parted with the remnant -of your mind! Where lightning strikes -any other substance once, it strikes water fifty -times. Do turn it off. Oh, dear, I am sure -that nothing in this world can save us. It does -seem to me that—Mortimer, what was that?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“It was a da—it was a picture. Knocked -it down.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Then you are close to the wall! I never -heard of such imprudence! Don’t you <em>know</em> -that there’s no better conductor for lightning -than a wall? Come away from there! And -you came as near as anything to swearing, -too. Oh, how can you be so desperately -wicked, and your family in such peril? Mortimer, -did you order a feather bed, as I asked -you to do?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“No. Forgot it.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Forgot it! It may cost you your life. If -you had a feather bed, now, and could spread -it in the middle of the room and lie on it, you -would be perfectly safe. Come in here,—come -quick, before you have a chance to commit -any more frantic indiscretions.”</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_153'>153</span>I tried, but the little closet would not hold -us both with the door shut, unless we could be -content to smother. I gasped awhile, then -forced my way out. My wife called out,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Mortimer, something <em>must</em> be done for -your preservation. Give me that German book -that is on the end of the mantel-piece, and a -candle; but don’t light it; give me a match; I -will light it in here. That book has some -directions in it.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I got the book,—at cost of a vase and some -other brittle things; and the madam shut herself -up with her candle. I had a moment’s -peace; then she called out,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Mortimer, what was that?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Nothing but the cat.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“The cat! Oh, destruction! Catch her, -and shut her up in the wash-stand. Do be -quick, love; cats are <em>full</em> of electricity. I just -know my hair will turn white with this night’s -awful perils.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I heard the muffled sobbings again. But for -that, I should not have moved hand or foot in -such a wild enterprise in the dark.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_154'>154</span>However, I went at my task,—over chairs, -and against all sorts of obstructions, all of -them hard ones, too, and most of them with -sharp edges,—and at last I got kitty cooped -up in the commode, at an expense of over four -hundred dollars in broken furniture and shins. -Then these muffled words came from the -closet:—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“It says the safest thing is to stand on a -chair in the middle of the room, Mortimer; and -the legs of the chair must be insulated, with -non-conductors. That is, you must set the -legs of the chair in glass tumblers. [<em>Fzt!—boom—bang!—smash!</em>] -Oh, hear that! Do -hurry, Mortimer, before you are struck.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I managed to find and secure the tumblers. -I got the last four,—broke all the rest. I insulated -the chair legs, and called for further -instructions.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Mortimer, it says, ‘<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Während eines Gewitters -entferne man Metalle, wie z. B., Ringe, -Uhren, Schlüssel, etc., von sich und halte sich -auch nicht an solchen Stellen auf, wo viele -Metalle bei einander liegen, oder mit andern -<span class='pageno' id='Page_155'>155</span>Körpern verbunden sind, wie an Herden, -Oefen, Eisengittern u. dgl.</span>’ What does that -mean, Mortimer? Does it mean that you -must keep metals <em>about</em> you, or keep them <em>away</em> -from you?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Well, I hardly know. It appears to be a -little mixed. All German advice is more or -less mixed. However, I think that that sentence -is mostly in the dative case, with a little -genitive and accusative sifted in, here and -there, for luck; so I reckon it means that you -must keep some metals <em>about</em> you.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes, that must be it. It stands to reason -that it is. They are in the nature of lightning-rods, -you know. Put on your fireman’s helmet, -Mortimer; that is mostly metal.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I got it and put it on,—a very heavy and -clumsy and uncomfortable thing on a hot night -in a close room. Even my night-dress seemed -to be more clothing than I strictly needed.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Mortimer, I think your middle ought to be -protected. Won’t you buckle on your militia -sabre, please?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I complied.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_156'>156</span>“Now, Mortimer, you ought to have some -way to protect your feet. Do please put on -your spurs.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I did it,—in silence,—and kept my temper -as well as I could.</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Mortimer, it says, ‘<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Das Gewitter läuten ist -sehr gefährlich, weil die Glocke selbst, sowie -der durch das Läuten veranlasste Luftzug und -die Höhe des Thurmes den Blitz anziehen -könnten.</span>’ Mortimer, does that mean that it is -dangerous not to ring the church bells during -a thunder-storm?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Yes, it seems to mean that,—if that is the -past participle of the nominative case singular, -and I reckon it is. Yes, I think it means that -on account of the height of the church tower -and the absence of <em>Luftzug</em> it would be very -dangerous (<i><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">sehr gefährlich</span></i>) not to ring the -bells in time of a storm; and moreover, don’t -you see, the very wording—”</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Never mind that, Mortimer; don’t waste -the precious time in talk. Get the large dinner-bell; -it is right there in the hall. Quick, -Mortimer dear; we are almost safe. Oh, dear, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_157'>157</span>I do believe we are going to be saved, at -last!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>Our little summer establishment stands on -top of a high range of hills, overlooking a valley. -Several farm-houses are in our neighborhood,—the -nearest some three or four hundred -yards away.</p> - -<p class='c013'>When I, mounted on the chair, had been -clanging that dreadful bell a matter of seven or -eight minutes, our shutters were suddenly torn -open from without, and a brilliant bull’s-eye -lantern was thrust in at the window, followed -by a hoarse inquiry:—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“What in the nation is the matter here?”</p> - -<p class='c013'>The window was full of men’s heads, and -the heads were full of eyes that stared wildly -at my night-dress and my warlike accoutrements.</p> - -<p class='c013'>I dropped the bell, skipped down from the -chair in confusion, and said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“There is nothing the matter, friends,—only -a little discomfort on account of the -thunder-storm. I was trying to keep off the -lightning.”</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_158'>158</span>“Thunder-storm? Lightning? Why, Mr. -McWilliams, have you lost your mind? It is -a beautiful starlight night; there has been no -storm.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>I looked out, and I was so astonished -I could hardly speak for a while. Then I -said,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“I do not understand this. We distinctly -saw the glow of the flashes through the curtains -and shutters, and heard the thunder.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>One after another of those people lay down -on the ground to laugh,—and two of them -died. One of the survivors remarked,—</p> - -<p class='c013'>“Pity you didn’t think to open your blinds -and look over to the top of the high hill yonder. -What you heard was cannon; what you -saw was the flash. You see, the telegraph -brought some news, just at midnight: Garfield’s -nominated,—and that’s what’s the matter!”</p> - -<p class='c013'>Yes, Mr. Twain, as I was saying in the beginning -(said Mr. McWilliams), the rules for -preserving people against lightning are so excellent -and so innumerable that the most incomprehensible -<span class='pageno' id='Page_159'>159</span>thing in the world to me is how -anybody ever manages to get struck.</p> - -<p class='c013'>So saying, he gathered up his satchel and -umbrella, and departed; for the train had -reached his town.</p> -<p class='c021'><span class='pageno' id='Page_160'>160</span>[<span class='sc'>Explanatory.</span> I regard the idea of this play as a -valuable invention. I call it the Patent Universally-Applicable -Automatically-Adjustable Language Drama. -This indicates that it is adjustable to any tongue, -and performable in any tongue. The English portions -of the play are to remain just as they are, permanently; -but you change the foreign portions to any language -you please, at will. Do you see? You at once -have the same old play in a new tongue. And you can -keep on changing it from language to language, until -your private theatrical pupils have become glib and at -home in the speech of all nations. <i><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Zum Beispiel</span></i>, suppose -we wish to adjust the play to the French tongue. -First, we give Mrs. Blumenthal and Gretchen French -names. Next, we knock the German <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span> -sentences out of the first scene, and replace them with -sentences from the French <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span>-like this, for -instance; “<span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">Je voudrais faire des emplettes ce matin; -voulez-vous avoir l’obligeance de venir avec moi chez -le tailleur français?</span>” And so on. Wherever you find -German, replace it with French, leaving the English -parts undisturbed. When you come to the long conversation -in the second act, turn to any pamphlet of -your French <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span>, and shovel in as much -French talk on <em>any</em> subject as will fill up the gaps -left by the expunged German. Example—page 423 -French <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span>:</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b c018'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">On dirait qu’il va faire chaud.</span></div> - <div class='line'><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">J’ai chaud.</span></div> - <div class='line'><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">J’ai extrêmement chaud.</span></div> - <div class='line'><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">Ah! qu’il fait chaud!</span></div> - <div class='line'><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">Il fait une chaleur étouffante!</span></div> - <div class='line'><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">L’air est brûlant.</span></div> - <div class='line'><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">Je meurs de chaleur.</span></div> - <div class='line'><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">Il est presque impossible de supporter la chaleur.</span></div> - <div class='line'><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">Cela vous fait transpirer.</span></div> - <div class='line'><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">Mettons nous à l’ombre.</span></div> - <div class='line'><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">Il fait du vent.</span></div> - <div class='line'><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">Il fait un vent froid.</span></div> - <div class='line'><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">Il fait un temps très-agréable pour se promener aujourd’hui.</span></div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c013'>And so on, all the way through. It is very easy to -adjust the play to any desired language. Anybody can -do it.]</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_161'>161</span> - <h2 class='c011'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">MEISTERSCHAFT</span>: IN THREE ACTS.</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c022'><span lang="la" xml:lang="la">DRAMATIS PERSONÆ:</span></h3> - -<div class='lg-container-b c002'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span class='sc'>Mr. Stephenson.</span></div> - <div class='line'><span class='sc'>Margaret Stephenson.</span></div> - <div class='line'><span class='sc'>George Franklin.</span></div> - <div class='line'><span class='sc'>Annie Stephenson.</span></div> - <div class='line'><span class='sc'>William Jackson.</span></div> - <div class='line'><span class='sc'>Mrs. Blumenthal</span>, the Wirthin.</div> - <div class='line'><span class='sc'>Gretchen</span>,</div> - <div class='line'>Kellnerin.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<h3 class='c010'>ACT I.</h3> - -<h4 class='c023'>SCENE I.</h4> - -<div class='c002'></div> -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>Scene of the play, the parlor of a small private dwelling -in a village.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Margaret.</span> (<em>Discovered crocheting—has a pamphlet.</em>)</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Margaret.</span> (<em>Solus.</em>) Dear, dear! it’s -dreary enough, to have to study this impossible -German tongue: to be exiled from home -and all human society except a body’s sister in -order to do it, is just simply abscheulich. Here’s -only three weeks of the three months gone, -and it seems like three years. I don’t believe -I can live through it, and I’m sure Annie can’t.</p> - -<p class='c013'>(<em>Refers to her book, and rattles through, several -<span class='pageno' id='Page_162'>162</span>times, like one memorizing</em>:) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Entschuldigen -Sie, mein Herr, können Sie mir vielleicht -sagen, um wie viel Uhr der erste Zug nach -Dresden abgeht?</span> (<em>Makes mistakes and corrects -them.</em>) I just hate <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span>! We -may see people; we can have society: yes, -on condition that the conversation shall be in -German, and in German only—every single -word of it! Very kind—oh, very! when -neither Annie nor I can put two words together, -except as they are put together for us in -<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span> or that idiotic Ollendorff! (<em>Refers -to book, and memorizes: <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Mein Bruder hat -Ihren Herrn Vater nicht gesehen, als er gestern -in dem Laden des deutschen Kaufmannes war.</span></em>) -Yes, we can have society, provided we talk -German. What would such a conversation be -like! If you should stick to <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span>, it -would change the subject every two minutes; -and if you stuck to Ollendorff, it would be all -about your sister’s mother’s good stocking of -thread, or your grandfather’s aunt’s good hammer -of the carpenter, and who’s got it, and -there an end. You couldn’t keep up your interest -<span class='pageno' id='Page_163'>163</span>in such topics. (<em>Memorizing: <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Wenn -irgend möglich,—möchte ich noch heute Vormittag -dort ankommen, da es mir sehr daran -gelegen ist, einen meiner Geschäftsfreunde zu -treffen.</span></em>) My mind is made up to one thing: I -will be an exile, in spirit and in truth: I will -see no one during these three months. Father -is very ingenious—oh, very! thinks he is, anyway. -Thinks he has invented a way to <em>force</em> -us to learn to speak German. He is a dear -good soul, and all that; but invention isn’t his -fash’. He will see. (<em>With eloquent energy.</em>) -Why, nothing in the world shall—<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Bitte, können -Sie mir vielleicht sagen, ob Herr Schmidt -mit diesem Zuge angekommen ist?</span> Oh, dear, -dear George—three weeks! It seems a whole -century since I saw him. I wonder if he suspects -that I—that I—care for him——j—just a -wee, wee bit? I believe he does. And I believe -Will suspects that Annie cares for <em>him</em> a -little, that I do. And I know perfectly well -that they care for <em>us</em>. They agree with all our -opinions, no matter what they are; and if they -have a prejudice, they change it, as soon as -<span class='pageno' id='Page_164'>164</span>they see how foolish it is. Dear George! at -first he just couldn’t abide cats; but now, why -now he’s just all for cats; he fairly welters in -cats. I never saw such a reform. And it’s -just so with <em>all</em> his principles: he hasn’t got -one that he had before. Ah, if all men were -like him, this world would——(<em>Memorizing: -<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Im Gegentheil, mein Herr, dieser Stoff is sehr -billig. Bitte, sehen Sie sich nur die Qualität -an.</span></em>) Yes, and what did <em>they</em> go to studying -German for, if it wasn’t an inspiration of the -highest and purest sympathy? Any other explanation -is nonsense——why, they’d as soon -have thought of studying American history. -(<em>Turns her back, buries herself in her pamphlet, -first memorizing aloud, until Annie enters, -then to herself, rocking to and fro, and rapidly -moving her lips, without uttering a sound.</em>)</p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>Enter Annie, absorbed in her pamphlet—does not at -first see Margaret.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Annie.</span> (<em>Memorizing: <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Er liess mich gestern -früh rufen, und sagte mir dass er einen -sehr unangenehmen Brief von Ihrem Lehrer -<span class='pageno' id='Page_165'>165</span>erhalten hatte.</span> Repeats twice aloud, then to -herself, briskly moving her lips.</em>)</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. (<em>Still not seeing her sister.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Wie geht es -Ihrem Herrn Schwiegervater? Es freut mich -sehr, dass Ihre Frau Mutter wieder wohl ist.</span> -(<em>Repeats. Then mouths in silence.</em>)</p> - -<p class='c013'>(<em>Annie repeats her sentence a couple of times -aloud; then looks up, working her lips, and -discovers Margaret.</em>) Oh, you here! (<em>Running -to her.</em>) O lovey-dovey, dovey-lovey, -I’ve got the gr-reatest news! Guess, guess, -guess! You’ll never guess in a hundred thousand -million years—and more!</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. Oh, tell me, tell me, dearie; don’t keep -me in agony.</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. Well, I will. What—do—you—think? -<em>They’re</em> here!</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. Wh-a-t! Who? When? Which? -Speak!</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. Will and George!</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. Annie Alexandra Victoria Stephenson, -what <em>do</em> you mean!</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. As sure as guns!</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. (<em>Spasmodically unarming and kissing -<span class='pageno' id='Page_166'>166</span>her.</em>) ’Sh! don’t use such language. O darling, -say it again!</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. As sure as guns!</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. I don’t mean that! Tell me again, -that—</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. (<em>Springing up and waltzing about the -room.</em>) They’re here—in this very village—to -learn German—for three months! <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Es sollte -mich sehr freuen wenn Sie—</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>M. (<em>Joining in the dance.</em>) Oh, it’s just too -lovely for anything! (<em>Unconsciously memorizing</em>:) -<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Es wäre mir lieb wenn Sie morgen mit -mir in die Kirche gehen könnten, aber ich kann -selbst nicht gehen, weil ich Sonntags gewöhnlich -krank bin. Juckhe!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. (<em>Finishing some unconscious memorizing.</em>)—<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">morgen -Mittag bei mir speisen könnten. -Juckhe!</span> Sit down and I’ll tell you all I’ve -heard. (<em>They sit.</em>) They’re here, and under -that same odious law that fetters us—our -tongues, I mean; the metaphor’s faulty, but no -matter. They can go out, and see people, only -on condition that they hear and speak German, -and German only.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_167'>167</span>M. Isn’t—that—too lovely!</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. And they’re coming to see us!</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. Darling! (<em>Kissing her.</em>) But are you -sure?</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. Sure as guns—Gatling guns!</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. ’Sh! don’t child, it’s schrecklich! Darling—you -aren’t mistaken?</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. As sure as g—batteries!</p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>They jump up and dance a moment—then—</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>M. (<em>With distress.</em>) But, Annie dear!—<em>we</em> -can’t talk German—and neither can they!</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. (<em>Sorrowfully.</em>) I didn’t think of that.</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. How cruel it is! What can we do?</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. (<em>After a reflective pause, resolutely.</em>) -Margaret—we’ve <em>got</em> to.</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. Got to what?</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. Speak German.</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. Why, how, child?</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. (<em>Contemplating her pamphlet with earnestness.</em>) -I can tell you one thing. Just give -me the blessed privilege: just <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">hinsetzen</span> Will -Jackson here in front of me and I’ll talk German -to him as long as this <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span> holds -out to burn.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_168'>168</span>M. (<em>Joyously.</em>) Oh, what an elegant idea! -You certainly have got a mind that’s a mine of -resources, if ever anybody had one.</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. I’ll skin this <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span> to the last sentence -in it!</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. (<em>With a happy idea.</em>) Why, Annie, it’s -the greatest thing in the world. I’ve been all -this time struggling and despairing over these -few little <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span> primers: but as sure as -you live, I’ll have the whole fifteen by heart -before this time day after to-morrow. See if I -don’t.</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. And so will I; and I’ll trowel-in a layer -of Ollendorff mush between every couple of -courses of <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span> bricks. Juckhe!</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Hoch! hoch! hoch!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Stoss an!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Juckhe! Wir werden gleich gute -deutsche Schülerinnen werden! Juck——</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. —he!</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. Annie, when are they coming to see us? -To-night?</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. No.</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. No? Why not? When are they coming? -<span class='pageno' id='Page_169'>169</span>What are they waiting for? The idea! I never -heard of such a thing! What do you——</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. (<em>Breaking in.</em>) Wait, wait, wait! give a -body a chance. They have their reasons.</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. Reasons?—what reasons?</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. Well, now, when you stop and think, -they’re royal good ones. They’ve got to talk -German when they come, haven’t they? Of -course. Well, they don’t <em>know</em> any German but -<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Wie befinden Sie sich, and Haben Sie gut -geschlafen, and Vater unser, and Ich trinke -lieber Bier als Wasser</span>, and a few little parlor -things like that; but when it comes to <em>talking</em>, -why, they don’t know a hundred and fifty German -words, put them all together.</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. Oh, I see!</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. So they’re going neither to eat, sleep, -smoke, nor speak the truth till they’ve crammed -home the whole fifteen <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschafts -auswendig!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>M. Noble hearts!</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. They’ve given themselves till day after -to-morrow, half-past 7 P. M., and then they’ll -arrive here, loaded.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_170'>170</span>M. Oh, how lovely, how gorgeous, how beautiful! -Some think this world is made of mud; -I think it’s made of rainbows. (<em>Memorizing.</em>) -<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Wenn irgend möglich, so möchte ich noch -heute Vormittag dort ankommen, da es mir -sehr daran gelegen ist</span>,—Annie, I can learn it -just like nothing!</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. So can I. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft’s</span> mere fun—I -don’t see how it ever could have seemed difficult. -Come! We can be disturbed here: let’s -give orders that we don’t want anything to eat -for two days; and are absent to friends, dead -to strangers, and not at home even to nougat-peddlers——</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Schön!</span> and we’ll lock ourselves into our -rooms, and at the end of two days, whosoever -may ask us a <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span> question shall get -a <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span> answer—and hot from the -bat!</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Both.</span> (<em>Reciting in unison.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich habe einen -Hut für meinen Sohn, ein Paar Handschuhe -für meinen Bruder, und einen Kamm für mich -selbst gekauft.</span></p> - -<blockquote> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>(Exeunt.)</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_171'>171</span>Enter <span class='sc'>Mrs. Blumenthal</span>, the Wirthin.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> (<em>Solus.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ach, die armen Mädchen, -sie hassen die deutsche Sprache, drum -ist es ganz und gar unmöglich dass sie sie je -lernen können. Es bricht mir ja mein Herz -ihre Kummer über die Studien anzusehen.... -Warum haben sie den Entschluss<a id='t171'></a> gefasst in -ihren Zimmern ein Paar Tage zu bleiben?... -Ja—gewiss—dass versteht sich: sie sind -entmuthigt—arme Kinder!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>(<em>A knock at the door.</em>) Herein!</p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>Enter Gretchen with card.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>G. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Er ist schon wieder da, und sagt dass er -nur <em>Sie</em> sehen will.</span> (<em>Hands the card.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Auch—</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Gott im Himmel—der Vater der -Mädchen! (<i><span lang="en" xml:lang="en">Puts the card in her pocket.</span></i>) Er -wünscht die <em>Töchter</em> nicht zu treffen? Ganz -recht; also, Du schweigst.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>G. Zu Befehl.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Lass ihn hereinkommen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>G. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ja, Frau Wirthin!</span></p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>Exit Gretchen.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> (<em>Solus.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ah—jetzt muss ich ihm -die Wahrheit offenbaren.</span></p> - -<div><span class='pageno' id='Page_172'>172</span></div> -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>Enter Mr. Stephenson.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Stephenson.</span> Good morning, Mrs. Blumenthal—keep -your seat, keep your seat, please. -I’m only here for a moment—merely to get -your report, you know. (<em>Seating himself.</em>) -Don’t want to see the girls—poor things, -they’d want to go home with me. I’m afraid -I couldn’t have the heart to say no. How’s -the German getting along?</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> N-not very well; I was afraid you -would ask me that. You see, they hate it, they -don’t take the least interest in it, and there -isn’t anything to incite them to an interest, you -see. And so they can’t talk at all.</p> - -<p class='c013'>S. M-m. That’s bad. I had an idea that -they’d get lonesome, and have to seek society; -and then, of course, my plan would work, considering -the cast-iron conditions of it.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> But it hasn’t so far. I’ve thrown -nice company in their way—I’ve done my very -best, in every way I could think of—but it’s no -use; they won’t go out, and they won’t receive -anybody. And a body can’t blame them; -they’d be tongue-tied—couldn’t do anything -<span class='pageno' id='Page_173'>173</span>with a German conversation. Now when I -started to learn German—such poor German as -I know—the case was very different: my intended -was a German. I was to live among -Germans the rest of my life; and so I <em>had</em> to -learn. Why, bless my heart! I nearly <em>lost</em> -the man the first time he asked me—I thought -he was talking about the measles. They were -very prevalent at the time. Told him I didn’t -want any in mine. But I found out the mistake, -and I was fixed for him next time... Oh, -yes, Mr. Stephenson, a sweetheart’s a prime -incentive!</p> - -<p class='c013'>S. (<em>Aside.</em>) Good soul! she doesn’t suspect -that my plan is a double scheme—includes a -speaking knowledge of German, which I am -bound they shall have, and the keeping them -away from those two young fellows—though if -I had known that those boys were going off for -a year’s foreign travel, I—however, the girls -would never learn that language at home; -they’re here, and I won’t relent—they’ve got -to stick the three months out. (<em>Aloud.</em>) So -they are making poor progress? Now tell -<span class='pageno' id='Page_174'>174</span>me—will they learn it—after a sort of fashion, -I mean—in the three months?</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> Well, now, I’ll tell you the only -chance I see. Do what I will, they won’t answer -my German with anything but English; -if that goes on, they’ll stand stock still. Now -I’m willing to do this: I’ll straighten everything -up, get matters in smooth running order, -and day after to-morrow I’ll go to bed sick, and -stay sick three weeks.</p> - -<p class='c013'>S. Good! You are an angel! I see your -idea. The servant girl—</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> That’s it; that’s my project. She -doesn’t know a word of English. And Gretchen’s -a real good soul, and can talk the slates -off a roof. Her tongue’s just a flutter-mill. I’ll -keep my room,—just ailing a little,—and -they’ll never see my face except when they pay -their little duty-visits to me, and then I’ll say -English disorders my mind. They’ll be shut -up with Gretchen’s wind-mill, and she’ll just -grind them to powder. Oh, <em>they’ll</em> get a start -in the language—sort of a one, sure’s you live. -You come back in three weeks.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_175'>175</span>S. Bless you, my Retterin! I’ll be here to -the day! Get ye to your sick-room—you -shall have treble pay. (<em>Looking at watch.</em>) -Good! I can just catch my train. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Leben Sie -wohl!</span> (<em>Exit.</em>)</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Leben Sie wohl! mein Herr!</span></p> - -<h3 class='c010'>ACT II.</h3> - -<h4 class='c023'>SCENE I.</h4> - -<div class='c002'></div> -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>Time, a couple of days later. -(The girls discovered with their work and primers.)</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Annie.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Was fehlt der Wirthin?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Margaret.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Dass weiss ich nicht. Sie ist -schon vor zwei Tagen ins Bett gegangen—</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. My! how <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">fliessend</span><a id='t175'></a> you speak!</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Danke schön—und sagte dass sie nicht -wohl sei.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. Good! Oh, no, I don’t mean that! no—only -lucky for <em>us</em>—<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">glücklich</span>, you know I -mean because it’ll be so much nicer to have -them all to ourselves.</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Oh, natürlich! Ja! Dass ziehe ich -<span class='pageno' id='Page_176'>176</span>durchaus vor.</span> Do you believe your <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span> -will stay with you, Annie?</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. Well, I know it <em>is</em> with me—every last -sentence of it; and a couple of hods of Ollendorff, -too, for emergencies. May be they’ll refuse -to deliver,—right off—at first, you know—<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">der -Verlegenheit wegen—aber ich will sie später -herausholen</span>—when I get my hand in—<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">und -vergisst Du dass nicht!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Sei nicht grob, Liebste.</span> What shall we -talk about first—when they come?</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. Well—let me see. There’s shopping—and—all -that about the trains, you know,—and -going to church—and—buying tickets to -London, and Berlin, and all around—and all -that subjunctive stuff about the battle in Afghanistan, -and where the American was said -to be born, and so on—and—and ah—oh, -there’s so <em>many</em> things—I don’t think a body -can choose beforehand, because you know the -circumstances and the atmosphere always have -so much to do in directing a conversation, especially -a German conversation, which is only -a kind of an insurrection, any way. I believe -<span class='pageno' id='Page_177'>177</span>it’s best to just depend on Prov—(<em>Glancing at -watch, and gasping</em>)—half-past—seven!</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. Oh, dear, I’m all of a tremble! Let’s get -something ready, Annie!</p> - -<p class='c013'>(<em>Both fall nervously to reciting</em>): <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Entschuldigen -Sie, mein Herr, können Sie mir vielleicht -sagen wie ich nach dem norddeutschen<a id='t177'></a> Bahnhof -gehe?</span> (<em>They repeat it several times, losing -their grip and mixing it all up.</em>)</p> - -<blockquote> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>(A knock.)</div> - </div> -</div> - -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Both.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Herein!</span> Oh, dear! <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">O der heilige—</span></p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>Enter Gretchen.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Gretchen</span> (<em>Ruffled and indignant.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Entschuldigen -Sie, meine gnädigsten Fräulein, es -sind zwei junge rasende Herren draussen, die -herein wollen, aber ich habe ihnen geschworen -dass</span>—(<em>Handing the cards.</em>)</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Du liebe Zeit</span>, they’re here! And of -course down goes my back hair! Stay and receive -them, dear, while I—(<em>Leaving.</em>)</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. I—alone? I won’t! I’ll go with you! -(<em>To</em> G.) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Lassen Sie die Herren näher treten; -<span class='pageno' id='Page_178'>178</span>und sagen Sie ihnen dass wir gleich zurückkommen -werden.</span> (<em>Exit.</em>)</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Gr.</span> (<em>Solus.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Was! Sie freuen sich darüber? -Und ich sollte wirklich diese Blödsinnigen, dies -grobe Rindvieh hereinlassen? In den hülflosen -Umständen meiner gnädigen jungen Damen?—Unsinn!</span> -(<em>Pause—thinking.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Wohlan! Ich -werde sie mal beschützen! Sollte man nicht -glauben, dass sie einen Sparren zu viel hätten?</span> -(<em>Tapping her skull significantly.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Was sie mir -doch Alles gesagt haben! Der Eine: Guten -Morgen! wie geht es Ihrem Herrn Schwiegervater? -Du liebe Zeit! Wie sollte ich einen -Schwiegervater haben können! Und der Andere: -“Es thut mir sehr leid dass Ihr<a id='t178'></a> Herr -Vater meinen Bruder nicht gesehen hat, als er -doch gestern in dem Laden des deutschen -Kaufmannes war!” Potztausendhimmelsdonnerwetter! -Oh, ich war ganz rasend! Wie ich -aber rief: “Meine Herren, ich kenne Sie nicht, -und Sie kennen meinen Vater nicht, wissen Sie, -denn er ist schon lange durchgebrannt, und -geht nicht beim Tage in einen Laden hinein, -wissen Sie,—und ich habe keinen Schwiegervater, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_179'>179</span>Gott sei Dank, werde auch nie einen -kriegen, werde ueberhaupt, wissen Sie, ein -solches Ding nie haben, nie dulden, nie ausstehen: -warum greifen Sie ein Mädchen an, das -nur Unschuld kennt, das Ihnen nie Etwas zu -Leide gethan hat?” Dann haben sie sich -beide die Finger in die Ohren gesteckt und -gebetet: “Allmächtiger Gott! Erbarme Dich -unser!”</span> (<em>Pauses.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Nun, ich werde schon diesen -Schurken Einlass gönnen, aber ich werde -ein Auge mit ihnen haben, damit sie sich -nicht wie reine Teufel geberden sollen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>(<em>Exit, grumbling and shaking her head.</em>)</p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>Enter William and George.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>W. My land, what a girl! and what an incredible -gift of gabble!—kind of patent climate-proof -compensation-balance self-acting -automatic <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span>—touch her button, -and br-r-r! away she goes!</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> Never heard anything like it; tongue -journaled on ball-bearings! I wonder what -she said; seemed to be swearing, mainly.</p> - -<p class='c013'>W. (<em>After mumbling <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span> awhile.</em>) -<span class='pageno' id='Page_180'>180</span>Look here, George, this is awful—come to -think—this project: <em>we</em> can’t talk this frantic -language.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> I know it, Will, and it <em>is</em> awful; but I -can’t live without seeing Margaret—I’ve endured -it as long as I can. I should die if I -tried to hold out longer—and even German is -preferable to death.</p> - -<p class='c013'>W. (<em>Hesitatingly.</em>) Well, I don’t know; -it’s a matter of opinion.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> (<em>Irritably.</em>) It isn’t a matter of opinion -either. German <em>is</em> preferable to death.</p> - -<p class='c013'>W. (<em>Reflectively.</em>) Well, I don’t know—the -problem is so sudden—but I think you may be -right: some kinds of death. It is more than -likely that a slow, lingering—well, now, there -in Canada in the early times a couple of centuries -ago, the Indians would take a missionary -and skin him, and get some hot ashes and -boiling water and one thing and another, and -by and by, that missionary—well, yes, I can -see that, by and by, talking German could be -a pleasant change for him.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> Why, of course. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Das versteht sich</span>; -<span class='pageno' id='Page_181'>181</span>but <em>you</em> have to always think a thing out, or -you’re not satisfied. But let’s not go to bothering -about thinking out this present business; -we’re here, we’re in for it; you are as moribund -to see Annie as I am to see Margaret; you -know the terms: we’ve got to speak German. -Now stop your mooning and get at your <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span>; -we’ve got nothing else in the world.</p> - -<p class='c013'>W. Do you think that’ll see us through?</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> Why it’s <em>got</em> to. Suppose we wandered -out of it and took a chance at the language -on our own responsibility, where the -nation would we be? Up a stump, that’s -where. Our only safety is in sticking like wax -to the text.</p> - -<p class='c013'>W. But what can we talk about?</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> Why, anything that <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span> talks -about. It ain’t our affair.</p> - -<p class='c013'>W. I know; but <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span> talks about -everything.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> And yet don’t talk about anything -long enough for it to get embarrassing. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span> -is just splendid for general conversation.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_182'>182</span>W. Yes, that’s so; but it’s so <em>blamed</em> general! -Won’t it sound foolish?</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> Foolish? Why, of course; all German -sounds foolish.</p> - -<p class='c013'>W. Well, that is true; I didn’t think of that.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> Now, don’t fool around any more. -Load up; load up; get ready. Fix up some -sentences; you’ll need them in two minutes -now.</p> - -<p class='c013'>(<em>They walk up and down, moving their lips -in dumb-show memorizing.</em>)</p> - -<p class='c013'>W. Look here—when we’ve said all that’s -in the book on a topic, and want to change -the subject, how can we say so?—how would -a German say it?</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> Well, I don’t know. But you know -when they mean “Change cars,” they say <i><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Umsteigen</span></i>. -Don’t you reckon that will answer?</p> - -<p class='c013'>W. Tip-top! It’s short and goes right to -the point; and it’s got a business whang to it -that’s almost American. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Umsteigen!</span>—change -subject!—why, it’s the very thing.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> All right, then, <em>you</em> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">umsteigen</span>—for I -hear them coming.</p> - -<div><span class='pageno' id='Page_183'>183</span></div> -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>Enter the girls.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>A. To W.</span> (<em>With solemnity.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Guten morgen, -mein Herr, es freut mich sehr, Sie zu sehen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Guten morgen, mein Fräulein, es freut -mich sehr Sie zu sehen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>(<em>Margaret and George repeat the same sentences. -Then, after an embarrassing silence, -Margaret refers to her book and says</em>:)</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Bitte, meine Herren, setzen Sie sich.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>The Gentlemen.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Danke schön.</span> (<em>The -four seat themselves in couples, the width of the -stage apart, and the two conversations begin. -The talk is not flowing—at any rate at first; -there are painful silences all along. Each -couple worry out a remark and a reply: there -is a pause of silent thinking, and then the other -couple deliver themselves.</em>)</p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Haben Sie meinen Vater in dem Laden -meines Bruders nicht gesehen?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Nein, mein Herr, ich habe Ihren Herrn -Vater in dem Laden Ihres Herrn Bruders -nicht gesehen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Waren Sie gestern Abend im Koncert, -oder im Theater?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_184'>184</span>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Nein, ich war gestern Abend nicht im -Koncert, noch im Theater, ich war gestern -Abend zu Hause.</span></p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>General break-down—long pause.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich störe doch nicht etwa?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Sie stören mich durchaus nicht.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Bitte, lassen Sie sich nicht von mir -stören.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Aber ich bitte Sie, Sie stören mich durchaus -nicht.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. (<em>To both girls.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Wen wir Sie stören so -gehen wir gleich wieder.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">O, nein! Gewiss, nein!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Im Gegentheil, es freut uns sehr, Sie zu -sehen—alle Beide.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Schön!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Gott sei dank!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>M. (<em>Aside.</em>) It’s just lovely!</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. (<em>Aside.</em>) It’s like a poem.</p> - -<blockquote> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>Pause.</div> - </div> -</div> - -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Umsteigen!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Um—welches?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Umsteigen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_185'>185</span><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Auf English, change cars—oder subject.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Both Girls.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Wie schön!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Wir haben uns die Freiheit genommen, -bei Ihnen vorzusprechen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Sie sind sehr gütig.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Wir wollten uns erkundigen, wie Sie -sich befänden.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich bin Ihnen sehr verbunden—meine -Schwester auch.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meine Frau lasst sich Ihnen bestens -empfehlen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ihre <em>Frau</em>?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. (<em>Examining his book.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Vielleicht habe -ich mich geirrt.</span> (<em>Shows the place.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Nein, -gerade so sagt das Buch.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. (<em>Satisfied.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ganz recht. Aber—</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Bitte empfehlen Sie mich Ihrem Herrn -Bruder.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ah, dass ist viel besser—viel besser.</span> -(<em>Aside.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Wenigstens es wäre viel besser wenn -ich einen Bruder hätte.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Wie ist es Ihnen gegangen, seitdem ich -das Vergnügen hatte<a id='t185'></a>, Sie anderswo zu sehen?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_186'>186</span>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Danke bestens, ich befinde mich gewöhnlich -ziemlich wohl.</span></p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>Gretchen slips in with a gun, and listens.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> (<em>Still to Margaret.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Befindet sich -Ihre Frau Gemahlin wohl?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Gr.</span> (<em>Raising hands and eyes.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de"><em>Frau Gemahlin</em>—heiliger -Gott!</span> (<em>Is like to betray herself -with her smothered laughter and glides -out.</em>)</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Danke sehr, meine Frau ist ganz wohl.</span></p> - -<blockquote> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>Pause.</div> - </div> -</div> - -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Dürfen wir vielleicht—umsteigen?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>The Others.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Gut!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> (<em>Aside.</em>) I feel better, now. I’m beginning -to catch on. (<em>Aloud.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich möchte -gern morgen früh einige Einkäufe machen -und würde Ihnen sehr verbunden sein, wenn -Sie mir den Gefallen thäten, mir die Namen -der besten hiesigen Firmen aufzuschreiben.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>M. (<em>Aside.</em>) How sweet!</p> - -<p class='c013'>W. (<em>Aside.</em>) Hang it, <em>I</em> was going to say -that! That’s one of the noblest things in the -book.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_187'>187</span>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich möchte Sie<a id='t187'></a> gern begleiten, aber -es ist mir wirklich heute Morgen ganz unmöglich -auszugehen.</span> (<em>Aside.</em>) It’s getting as -easy as 9 times 7 is 46.</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Sagen Sie dem Briefträger<a id='t187a'></a>, wenn’s gefällig -ist, er möchte Ihnen den eingeschriebenen -Brief geben lassen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich würde Ihnen sehr verbunden sein, -wenn Sie diese Schachtel für mich nach der -Post tragen würden, da mir sehr daran liegt -einen meiner Geschäftsfreunde in dem Laden -des deutschen<a id='t187b'></a> Kaufmanns heute Abend treffen -zu können.</span> (<em>Aside.</em>) All down but nine; -set ’m up on the other alley!</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Aber Herr Jackson! Sie haben die Sätze -gemischt. Es ist unbegreiflich wie Sie das -haben thun können. Zwischen Ihrem ersten -Theil und Ihrem letzten Theil haben Sie ganze -fünfzig Seiten übergeschlagen! Jetzt bin ich -ganz verloren. Wie kann man reden, wenn -man seinen Platz durchaus nicht wieder finden -kann?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Oh, bitte, verzeihen Sie; ich habe dass -wirklich nich beabsichtigt.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_188'>188</span>A. (<em>Mollified.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Sehr wohl, lassen Sie gut -sein. Aber thun Sie es nicht wieder. Sie -müssen ja doch einräumen, dass solche Dinge -unerträgliche Verwirrung mit sich führen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>(<em>Gretchen slips in again with her gun.</em>)</p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Unzweifelhaft haben Sie Recht, meine -holdselige Landsmännin..... Umsteigen!</span></p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>(As George gets fairly into the following, Gretchen -draws a bead on him, and lets drive at the close, but -the gun snaps.)</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Glauben Sie, dass ich ein hübsches -Wohnzimmer für mich selbst und ein kleines -Schlafzimmer für meinen Sohn in diesem -Hotel für fünfzehn Mark die Woche bekommen -kann, oder würden Sie mir rathen, in -einer Privatwohnung Logis zu nehmen?</span> -(<em>Aside.</em>) That’s a daisy!</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Gr.</span> (<em>Aside.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Schade!</span> (<em>She draws her -charge and reloads.</em>)</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Glauben Sie nicht Sie werden besser -thun bei diesem Wetter zu Hause zu bleiben?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Freilich glaube ich, Herr Franklin, Sie -werden sich erkälten, wenn Sie bei diesem -<span class='pageno' id='Page_189'>189</span>unbeständigen Wetter ohne Ueberrock ausgehen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Gr.</span> (<em>Relieved—aside.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">So? Man redet von -Ausgehen. Das klingt schon besser.</span> (<em>Sits.</em>)</p> - -<p class='c013'>W. (<em>To A.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Wie theuer haben Sie das gekauft?</span> -(<em>Indicating a part of her dress.</em>)</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Das hat achtzehn Mark gekostet.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Das ist sehr theuer.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ja, obgleich dieser Stoff wunderschön -ist und das Muster sehr geschmackvoll und -auch das Vorzüglichste dass es in dieser Art -gibt, so ist es doch furchtbar theuer für einen -solchen Artikel.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>M. (<em>Aside.</em>) How sweet is this communion -of soul with soul!</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Im Gegentheil, mein Herr, das ist sehr -billig. Sehen Sie sich nur die Qualität an.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>(<em>They all examine it.</em>)</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Möglicherweise ist es das allerneuste -dass man in diesem Stoff hat; aber das Muster -gefällt mir nicht.</span></p> - -<blockquote> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>(Pause.)</div> - </div> -</div> - -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Umsteigen!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Welchen Hund haben Sie? Haben Sie -<span class='pageno' id='Page_190'>190</span>den hübschen Hund des Kaufmanns, oder den -hässlichen Hund der Urgrossmutter des Lehrlings -des bogenbeinigen Zimmermanns?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. (<em>Aside.</em>) Oh, come, she’s ringing in a -cold deck on us: that’s Ollendorff.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich habe nicht den Hund des—des—</span>(<em>Aside.</em>) -Stuck! That’s no <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meisterschaft</span>; -they don’t play fair. (<em>Aloud.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich habe nicht -den Hund des—des—In unserem Buche -leider, gibt es keinen Hund; daher, ob ich -auch gern von solchen Thieren sprechen -möchte, ist es mir doch unmöglich, weil ich -nicht vorbereitet bin. Entschuldigen Sie, -meine Damen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Gr.</span> (<em>Aside.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Beim Teufel, sie sind <em>alle</em> -blödsinnig geworden. In meinem Leben habe -ich nie ein so närrisches, verfluchtes, verdammtes -Gespräch gehört.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Bitte, umsteigen.</span></p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>(Run the following rapidly through.)</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>M. (<em>Aside.</em>) Oh, I’ve flushed an easy batch! -(<em>Aloud.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Würden Sie mir erlauben meine -Reisetasche hier hinzustellen?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_191'>191</span>Gr. (<em>Aside.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Wo ist seine Reisetasche? -Ich sehe keine.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Bitte sehr.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ist meine Reisetasche Ihnen im -Wege?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Gr.</span> (<em>Aside.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Und wo ist <em>seine</em> Reisetasche?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Erlauben Sie mir Sie von meiner Reisetasche -zu befreien.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>Gr. (<em>Aside.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Du Esel!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ganz und gar nicht.</span> (<em>To Geo.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Es ist -sehr schwül in diesem Coupé.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Gr.</span> (<em>Aside.</em>) Coupé.<a id='t191'></a></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Sie haben Recht. Erlauben Sie mir, -gefälligst, das Fenster zu öffnen. Ein wenig -Luft würde uns gut<a id='t191a'></a> thun.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Wir fahren sehr rasch.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Haben Sie den Namen jener Station -gehört?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Wie lange halten wir auf dieser Station -an?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich reise nach Dresden, Schaffner. -Wo muss ich umsteigen?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Sie steigen nicht um, Sie bleiben sitzen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Gr.</span> (<em>Aside.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Sie sind ja alle ganz und gar -<span class='pageno' id='Page_192'>192</span>verrückt! Man denke sich sie glauben dass -sie auf der Eisenbahn reisen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> (<em>Aside, to William</em>) Now brace up; -pull all your confidence together, my boy, and -we’ll try that lovely good-bye business a -flutter. I think it’s about the gaudiest thing in -the book, if you boom it right along and don’t -get left on a base. It’ll impress the girls. -(<em>Aloud.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Lassen Sie uns gehen: es ist schon -sehr spät, und ich muss morgen ganz früh -aufstehen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Gr.</span> (<em>Aside-grateful.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Gott sei Dank dass -sie endlich gehen.</span> (<em>Sets her gun aside.</em>)</p> - -<p class='c013'>W. (<em>To Geo.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich danke Ihnen höflichst für -die Ehre die sie mir erweisen, aber ich kann -nicht länger bleiben.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> (<em>To W.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Entschuldigen Sie mich gütigst, -aber ich kann wirklich nicht länger -bleiben.</span></p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>Gretchen looks on stupefied.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>W. (<em>To Geo.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich habe schon eine Einladung -angenommen; ich kann wirklich nicht -länger bleiben.</span></p> - -<div><span class='pageno' id='Page_193'>193</span></div> -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>Gretchen fingers her gun again.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> (<em>To W.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich muss gehen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. (<em>To Geo.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Wie! Sie wollen schon wieder -gehen? Sie sind ja eben erst gekommen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>M. (<em>Aside</em>). It’s just music!</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. (<em>Aside.</em>) Oh, how lovely they do it!</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> (<em>To W.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Also denken sie doch noch -nicht an’s Gehen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. (<em>To Geo.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Es thut mir unendlich leid, -aber ich muss nach Hause. Meine Frau wird -sich wundern, was aus mir geworden ist.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> (<em>To W.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Meine Frau hat keine Ahnung -wo ich bin: ich muss wirklich jetzt fort.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. (<em>To Geo.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Dann will ich Sie nicht länger -aufhalten; ich bedaure sehr dass Sie uns einen -so kurzen Besuch gemacht haben.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> (<em>To W.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Adieu—auf recht baldiges -Wiedersehen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span class='sc'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Umsteigen!</span></span></p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>Great hand-clapping from the girls.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>M. (<em>Aside.</em>) Oh, how perfect! how elegant!</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. (<em>Aside.</em>) Per-fectly enchanting!</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Joyous Chorus.</span> (<em>All.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich habe gehabt, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_194'>194</span>du hast gehabt, er hat gehabt, wir haben -gehabt, ihr habt<a id='t194'></a> gehabt, sie haben gehabt.</span></p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>Gretchen faints, and tumbles from her chair, and -the gun goes off with a crash. Each girl, frightened, -seizes the protecting hand of her sweetheart. Gretchen -scrambles up. Tableau.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>W. (<em>Takes out some money—beckons Gretchen -to him. George adds money to the pile.</em>) -<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Hübsches Mädchen</span> (<em>giving her some of the -coins</em>), <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">hast Du etwas gesehen?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Gr.</span> (<em>Courtesy—aside.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Der Engel!</span> (<em>Aloud—impressively.</em>) -<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich habe nichts gesehen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. (<em>More money.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Hast Du etwas gehört?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Gr.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich habe nichts gehört.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. (<em>More money.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Und Morgen?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Gr.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Morgen—wäre es nöthig—bin ich taub -und blind.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Unvergleichbares Mädchen! Und</span> (<em>giving -the rest of the money</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">darnach?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Gr.</span> (<em>Deep courtesy—aside.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Erzengel!</span> -(<em>Aloud.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Darnach, mein<a id='t194a'></a> Gnädigster, betrachten -Sie mich also <em>taub—blind—todt</em>!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>All.</span> (<em>In chorus.—with reverent joy.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich -habe gehabt, du hast gehabt, er hat gehabt, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_195'>195</span>wir haben gehabt, ihr habt<a id='t195'></a> gehabt, sie haben -gehabt!</span></p> - -<h3 class='c010'>ACT III.</h3> - -<div class='c003'></div> -<blockquote> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>Three weeks later.</div> - </div> -</div> - -</blockquote> -<h4 class='c023'>SCENE I.</h4> - -<div class='c002'></div> -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>Enter Gretchen, and puts her shawl on a chair.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Brushing around with the traditional feather-duster -of the drama. Smartly dressed, for she is prosperous.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Gr.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Wie hätte man sich das vorstellen -können! In nur drei Wochen bin ich schon -reich geworden! (<em><span lang="en" xml:lang="en">Gets out of her pocket handful -after handful of silver, which she piles on -the table, and proceeds to re-pile and count, occasionally -ringing or biting a piece to try its -quality.</span></em>) Oh, dass (<em><span lang="en" xml:lang="en">with a sigh</span></em>) die Frau -Wirthin nur <em>ewig</em> krank bliebe!.... Diese -edlen jungen Männer—sie sind ja so liebenswürdig! -Und so fleissig!—und so treu! -Jeden Morgen kommen sie gerade um drei -Viertel auf neun; und plaudern und schwatzen, -und plappern, und schnattern, die jungen -Damen auch; um Schlage zwölf nehmen sie -Abschied; um Schlage eins kommen sie schon -<span class='pageno' id='Page_196'>196</span>wieder, und plaudern und schwatzen und -plappern und schnattern; gerade um sechs -Uhr nehmen sie wiederum Abschied; um halb -acht kehren sie noch’emal zurück, und plaudern -und schwatzen und plappern und schnattern -bis zehn Uhr, oder vielleicht ein Viertel -nach, falls ihre Uhren nach gehen (und stets -gehen sie nach am Ende des Besuchs, aber -stets vor Beginn desselben), und zuweilen unterhalten -sich die jungen Leute beim Spazierengehen; -und jeden Sonntag gehen sie -dreimal in die Kirche; und immer plaudern -sie, und schwatzen und plappern und schnattern -bis ihnen die Zähnen aus dem Munde -fallen. Und <em>ich</em>? Durch Mangel an Uebung, -ist mir die Zunge mit Moos belegt worden! -Freilich ist’s mir eine dumme Zeit gewesen. -Aber—um Gottes willen, was geht das mir an? -Was soll ich daraus machen? Täglich sagt -die Frau Wirthin “Gretchen” (<em><span lang="en" xml:lang="en">dumb-show of -paying a piece of money into her hand</span></em>), “du -bist eine der besten Sprach-Lehrerinnen der -Welt!” Ach, Gott! Und täglich sagen die -edlen jungen Männer, “Gretchen, liebes -<span class='pageno' id='Page_197'>197</span>Kind” (<em><span lang="en" xml:lang="en">money-paying again in dumb-show—three -coins</span></em>), “bleib’ taub—blind—todt!” und -so bleibe ich.... Jetzt wird es ungefähr -neun Uhr sein; bald kommen sie vom Spaziergehen -zurück. Also, es wäre gut dass ich -meinem eigenen Schatz einen Besuch abstatte -und spazieren gehe.</span> (<em>Dons her shawl.</em>)</p> - -<blockquote> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>Exit. L.</div> - <div class='c002'>Enter Wirthin. R.</div> - </div> -</div> - -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> That was Mr. Stephenson’s train -that just came in. Evidently the girls are out -walking with Gretchen;—can’t find <em>them</em>, and -<em>she</em> doesn’t seem to be around. (<em>A ring at -the door.</em>) That’s him. I’ll go see.</p> - -<blockquote> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>Exit. R.</div> - <div class='c002'>Enter Stephenson and Wirthin. R.</div> - </div> -</div> - -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>S. Well, how does sickness seem to agree -with you?</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> So well that I’ve never been out of -my room since, till I heard your train come in.</p> - -<p class='c013'>S. Thou miracle of fidelity! Now I argue -from that, that the new plan is working.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_198'>198</span><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> Working? Mr. Stephenson, you -never saw anything like it in the whole course -of your life! It’s absolutely wonderful the -way it works.</p> - -<p class='c013'>S. Succeeds? No—you don’t mean it.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> Indeed I do mean it. I tell you, -Mr. Stephenson, that plan was just an inspiration—that’s -what it was. You could teach a -cat German by it.</p> - -<p class='c013'>S. Dear me, this is noble news! Tell me -about it.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> Well, it’s all Gretchen—every -bit of it. I told you she was a jewel. And -then the sagacity of that child—why, I never -dreamed it was in her. Sh-she, “Never you -ask the young ladies a question—never let on—just -keep mum—leave the whole thing to -me,” sh-she.</p> - -<p class='c013'>S. Good! And she justified, did she?</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> Well, sir, the amount of German -gabble that that child crammed into those two -girls inside the next forty-eight hours—well, <em>I</em> -was satisfied! So I’ve never asked a question—never -<em>wanted</em> to ask any. I’ve just lain -<span class='pageno' id='Page_199'>199</span>curled up there, happy. The little dears! they’ve -flitted in to see me a moment, every morning -and noon and supper-time; and as sure as -I’m sitting here, inside of six days they were -clattering German to me like a house afire!</p> - -<p class='c013'>S. Sp-lendid, splendid!</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> Of course it ain’t grammatical—the -inventor of the language can’t talk grammatical; -if the Dative didn’t fetch him the Accusative -would; but it’s German all the same, -and don’t you forget it!</p> - -<p class='c013'>S. Go on—go on—this is delicious news—</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin</span>. Gretchen, she says to me at the -start, “Never you mind about company for -’em,” sh-she—“I’m company enough.” And -I says, “All right—fix it your own way, -child and that she <em>was</em> right is shown by the -fact that to this day they don’t care a straw for -any company but hers.”</p> - -<p class='c013'>S. Dear me; why, it’s admirable!</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> Well, I should think so! They just -dote on that hussy—can’t seem to get enough -of her. Gretchen tells me so herself. And the -care she takes of them! She tells me that -<span class='pageno' id='Page_200'>200</span>every time there’s a moonlight night she coaxes -them out for a walk; and if a body can believe -her, she actually bullies them off to church -three times every Sunday!</p> - -<p class='c013'>S. Why, the little dev—missionary! Really, -she’s a genius!</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> She’s a bud, <em>I</em> tell you! Dear -me, how she’s brought those girls’ health up! -Cheeks?—just roses. Gait?—they walk on -watch-springs! And happy?—by the bliss in -their eyes, you’d think they’re in Paradise! -Ah, that Gretchen! Just you imagine <em>our</em> -trying to achieve these marvels!</p> - -<p class='c013'>S. You’re right—every time. Those girls—why, -all they’d have wanted to know was -what we wanted done—and then they wouldn’t -have <em>done</em> it—the mischievous young rascals!</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> Don’t tell <em>me</em>? Bless you, I found -that out early—when <em>I</em> was bossing.</p> - -<p class='c013'>S. Well, I’m im-mensely pleased. <em>Now</em> -fetch them down. I’m not afraid now. They -won’t want to go home.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> Home! I don’t believe you could -drag them away from Gretchen with nine span -<span class='pageno' id='Page_201'>201</span>of horses. But if you want to see them, put on -your hat and come along; they’re out somewhere -trapsing along with Gretchen. (<span class='sc'>Going.</span>)</p> - -<p class='c013'>S. I’m with you—lead on.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> We’ll go out the side door. It’s -toward the Anlage.</p> - -<blockquote> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>Exit both. L.</div> - <div class='c002'>Enter George and Margaret. R.</div> - </div> -</div> - -</blockquote> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>Her head lies upon his shoulder, his arm is about her -waist; they are steeped in sentiment.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>M. (<em>Turning a fond face up at him.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Du -Engel!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>G. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Liebste!</span> (<em>Kiss.</em>)</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Oh, das Liedchen dass Du mir gewidmet -hast—es ist so schön, so wunderschön. Wie -hätte ich je geahnt dass Du ein Poet<a id='t201'></a> wärest!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>G. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Mein Schätzchen!—es ist mir lieb wenn -Dir die Kleinigkeit gefällt.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ah, es ist mit der zärtlichsten Musik -gefüllt—klingt ja so süss und selig—wie das -Flüstern des Sommerwindes die Abenddämmerung -hindurch. Wieder,—Theuerste!—sag’ -es wieder.</span></p> - -<div class='lg-container-l c024'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_202'>202</span>G. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Du bist wie eine Blume!—</span></div> - <div class='line in5'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">So schön und hold und rein—</span></div> - <div class='line in3'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich schau Dich an, und Wehmuth</span></div> - <div class='line in5'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Schleicht mir ins Herz hinein.</span></div> - <div class='line in3'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Mir ist als ob ich die Hände</span></div> - <div class='line in5'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Aufs Haupt Dir legen sollt,</span></div> - <div class='line in3'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Betend dass Gott Dich erhalte,</span></div> - <div class='line in5'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">So rein und schön und hold.</span></div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c025'>M. A-ch! (<em>Dumb-show sentimentalisms.</em>) -Georgie—</p> - -<p class='c013'>G. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Kindchen!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Warum kommen sie nicht?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>G. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Dass weiss ich gar nicht. Sie waren—</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Es wird spät. Wir müssen sie antreiben. -Komm!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>G. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich glaube sie werden recht bald ankommen, -aber—</span></p> - -<blockquote> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>Exit both. L.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c013'>Enter Gretchen, R., in a state of mind. Slumps into -a chair limp with despair.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Gr.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ach! was wird jetzt aus mir werden! -Zufällig habe ich in der Ferne den verdammten -Papa gesehen!—und die Frau Wirthin -auch! Oh, diese Erscheinung,—die hat mir -beinahe das Leben genommen. Sie suchen -die jungen Damen—das weiss ich wenn sie -<span class='pageno' id='Page_203'>203</span>diese und die jungen Herren zusammen fänden—du -heiliger Gott! Wenn das geschieht, -wären wir Alle ganz und gar verloren! Ich -muss sie gleich finden, und ihr eine Warnung -geben!</span></p> - -<blockquote> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>Exit. L.</div> - <div class='c002'>Enter Annie and Will. R.</div> - <div class='c002'>Posed like the former couple and sentimental.</div> - </div> -</div> - -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich liebe Dich<a id='t203'></a> schon so sehr—Deiner edlen -Natur wegen. Dass du dazu auch ein Dichter -bist!—ach, mein Leben ist uebermässig -reich geworden! Wer hätte sich doch einbilden -können dass ich einen Mann zu einem so wunderschönen -Gedicht hätte begeistern können!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Liebste! Es ist nur eine Kleinigkeit.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Nein, nein, es ist ein echtes Wunder! -Sage es noch einmal—ich flehe Dich an.</span></p> - -<div class='lg-container-l c024'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Du bist wie eine Blume!—</span></div> - <div class='line in5'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">So schön und hold und rein—</span></div> - <div class='line in3'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich schau Dich an, und Wehmuth</span></div> - <div class='line in5'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Schleicht mir ins Herz hinein.</span></div> - <div class='line in3'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Mir ist als ob ich die Hände</span></div> - <div class='line in5'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Aufs Haupt Dir legen sollt,</span></div> - <div class='line in3'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Betend dass Gott Dich erhalte,</span></div> - <div class='line in5'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">So rein und schön und hold.</span></div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c025'><span class='pageno' id='Page_204'>204</span>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ach, es ist himmlisch—einfach himmlisch.</span> -(<em>Kiss.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Schreibt auch George Gedichte?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Oh, ja—zuweilen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Wie schön!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. (<em>Aside.</em>) Smouches ’em, same as I do! -It was a noble good idea to play that little -thing on her. George wouldn’t ever think of -that—somehow he never had any invention.</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. (<em>Arranging chairs.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Jetzt will ich bei -Dir sitzen bleiben, und Du—</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. (<em>They sit.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ja,—und ich—</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Du wirst mir die alte Geschichte die immer -neu bleibt, noch wieder erzählen.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Zum Beispiel, dass ich Dich liebe!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Wieder!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich—sie kommen!</span></p> - -<blockquote> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>Enter George and Margaret.</div> - </div> -</div> - -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Das macht nichts. Fortan!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>(<em>George unties M.’s bonnet. She re-ties his -cravat—interspersings of love-pats, etc., and -dumb-show of love-quarrelings.</em>)</p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich liebe Dich.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_205'>205</span>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ach! Noch einmal!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich habe Dich von Herzen lieb.</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ach! Abermals!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Bist Du denn noch nicht satt?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Nein!</span> (<em>The other couple sit down, and -Margaret begins a re-tying of the cravat. -Enter the Wirthin and Stephenson, he imposing -silence with a sign.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Mich hungert sehr, ich -<em>ver</em>hungre!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Oh, Du armes Kind!</span> (<em>Lays her head on -his shoulder. Dumb-show between Stephenson -and Wirthin.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Und hungert es nicht mich? -Du hast mir nicht einmal gesagt—</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Dass ich Dich liebe? Mein Eigener!</span> -(<em>Frau Wirthin threatens to faint—is supported -by Stephenson.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Höre mich nur an: Ich liebe -Dich, ich liebe Dich—</span></p> - -<blockquote> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>Enter Gretchen.</div> - </div> -</div> - -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Gr.</span> (<em>Tears her hair.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Oh, dass ich in der -Hölle wäre!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ich liebe Dich, ich liebe Dich! Ah, ich -bin so glücklich dass ich nicht schlafen kann, -nicht lesen kann, nicht reden kann, nicht—</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_206'>206</span>A. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Und ich! Ich bin auch so glücklich -dass ich nicht speisen kann, nicht studieren, -arbeiten, denken, schreiben—</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Stephenson.</span> (<em>To Wirthin—aside.</em>) Oh, -there isn’t any mistake about it—Gretchen’s -just a rattling teacher!</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> (<em>To Stephenson—aside.</em>) I’ll skin -her alive when I get my hands on her!</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Kommt<a id='t206'></a>, alle Verliebte!</span> (<em>They jump up, -join hands, and sing in chorus</em>)—</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b c018'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Du, Du, wie ich Dich liebe,</span></div> - <div class='line in2'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Du, Du, liebst auch mich!</span></div> - <div class='line'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Die, die zärtlichsten Triebe—</span></div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c013'>S. (<em>Stepping forward.</em>) Well!</p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>The girls throw themselves upon his neck with enthusiasm.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>The Girls.</span> Why, father!</p> - -<p class='c013'>S. My darlings!</p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>The young men hesitate a moment, then they add -their embrace, flinging themselves on Stephenson’s -neck, along with the girls.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>The Young Men.</span> Why, father!</p> - -<p class='c013'>S. (<em>Struggling.</em>) Oh come, this is too thin!—too -quick, I mean. Let go, you rascals!</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_207'>207</span><span class='sc'>Geo.</span> We’ll never let go till you put us on -the family list.</p> - -<p class='c013'>M. Right! hold to him!</p> - -<p class='c013'>A. Cling to him, Will!</p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>Gretchen rushes in and joins the general embrace, -but is snatched away by the Wirthin, crushed up against -the wall and threatened with destruction.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>S. (<em>Suffocating.</em>) All right, all right—have -it your own way, you quartette of swindlers!</p> - -<p class='c013'>W. He’s a darling! Three cheers for -papa!</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Everybody.</span> (<em>Except Stephenson who bows -with hand on heart.</em>) Hip—hip—hip: hurrah, -hurrah, hurrah!</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Gr.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Der Tiger—ah-h-h!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Sei ruhig</span>, you hussy!</p> - -<p class='c013'>S. Well, I’ve lost a couple of precious -daughters, but I’ve gained a couple of precious -scamps to fill up the gap with; so it’s all right. -I’m satisfied, and everybody’s forgiven—(<em>With -mock threats at Gretchen.</em>)</p> - -<p class='c013'>W. <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Oh, wir werden für Dich sorgen—du -herrliches Gretchen!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_208'>208</span><span class='sc'>Gr.</span> <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Danke schön!</span></p> - -<p class='c013'>M. (<em>To Wirthin.</em>) <span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Und für Sie auch; denn -wenn Sie nicht so freundlich gewesen wären, -krank zu werden, wie wären wir je so glücklich -geworden wie jetzt?</span></p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> Well, dear, I <em>was</em> kind, but I -didn’t mean it. But I ain’t sorry—not one bit—that -I ain’t.</p> - -<blockquote> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>Tableau.</div> - </div> -</div> - -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'>S. Come now, the situation is full of hope, -and grace, and tender sentiment. If I had in -the least the poetic gift, I know I could improvise -under such an inspiration (<em>each girl nudges -her sweetheart</em>) something worthy to—to—is -there no poet among us?</p> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>Each youth turns solemnly his back upon the other -and raises his hands in benediction over his sweetheart’s -bowed head.</p> - -<p class='c013'>Both youths at once.</p> -</blockquote> - -<div class='lg-container-b c018'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Mir ist als ob ich die Hände</span></div> - <div class='line in2'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Aufs<a id='t208'></a> Haupt Dir legen sollt—</span></div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<blockquote> -<p class='c013'>They turn and look reproachfully at each other—the -girls contemplate them with injured surprise.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c013'><span class='pageno' id='Page_209'>209</span>S. (<em>Reflectively.</em>) I think I’ve heard that before -somewhere.</p> - -<p class='c013'><span class='sc'>Wirthin.</span> <em>(Aside.</em>) Why the very cats in -Germany know it!</p> - -<blockquote> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div>Curtain.</div> - </div> -</div> - -</blockquote> -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c002' /> -</div> -<p class='c026'><span class='large'><em>Price-List of Publications issued by</em></span></p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span class='xlarge'><em>CHARLES L. WEBSTER & CO.</em></span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='large'><em>William Sharp.</em></span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c027'><b>Flower o’ the Vine: Romantic Ballads and Sospiri -di Roma.</b>—This volume contains the poems -in Mr. Sharp’s latest books of verse, now entirely out of -print. His collaboration with Blanche Willis Howard -in the novel “A Fellowe and His Wife,” has made his -name familiar to American readers. As one of the most -popular of the younger English poets, we anticipate an -equal success in America for “Flower o’ the Vine,” for -which Mr. Thomas A. Janvier has prepared an Introduction. -Handsomely bound, uniform with Aldrich’s -“Sisters’ Tragedy” and Cora Fabbri’s “Lyrics.” Cloth, -$1.50.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='large'><em>Dan Beard.</em></span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c027'><b>Moonblight and Three Feet of Romance.</b>—Octavo, -300 pages, fully illustrated. This story we believe -will take rank with “Looking Backward.” It treats of -some of the great social problems of the day in a novel, -powerful, and intensely interesting manner. The hero -becomes strangely endowed with the power of seeing -people in their true light. It is needless to say that this -power proves both a curse and a blessing, and leads to -many and strange adventures. Mr. Beard’s reputation -as an artist is world-wide, and the numerous illustrations -he provides for this book powerfully portray the -spirit of the text. Cloth, ink and gold stamps, $2.00.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='large'><em>Mark Twain’s Books.</em></span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c027'><b>Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.</b>—Holiday edition. -Square 8vo, 366 pages. Illustrated by E. W. -Kemble. Sheep, $3.25; cloth, $2.75.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>New Cheap Edition of Huckleberry Finn.</b>—12mo, -318 pages, with a few illustrations. Cloth, $1.00.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>The Prince and the Pauper.</b>—A square 8vo volume -of 411 pages. Beautifully illustrated. Sheep $3.75; -cloth, $3.00.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court.</b>—A -square 8vo of 575 pages; 221 illustrations by Dan -Beard. Half morocco, $5.00; sheep, $4.00; cloth, -$3.00.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Mark Twain Holiday Set.</b>—Three volumes in a box, -consisting of the best editions of “Huckleberry Finn,” -“Prince and Pauper,” and “A Connecticut Yankee.” -Square 8vo. Uniform in size, binding, and color. -Sold only in sets. Cloth, $6.00.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Eighteen Short Stories and Sketches.</b>—By Mark -Twain. Including “The Stolen White Elephant,” -“Some Rambling Notes,” “The Carnival of Crime,” -“A Curious Experience,” “Punch, Brothers, Punch,” -“The Invalid’s Story,” etc., etc. 16mo, 306 pages. -Cloth, $1.00.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Mark Twain’s “Library of Humor.”</b>—A volume -of 145 Characteristic Selections from the Best Writers, -together with a Short Biographical Sketch of Each Author -quoted. Compiled by Mark Twain. Nearly 200 -illustrations by E. W. Kemble. 8vo, 707 pages. Full -Turkey morocco, $7.00; half morocco, $5.00; half seal, -$4.25; sheep, $4.00; cloth, $3.50.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Life on the Mississippi.</b>—8vo, 624 pages; and over -300 illustrations. Sheep, $4.25; cloth, $3.50.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Innocents Abroad</b>; or, The New Pilgrim’s Progress. -Sheep, $4.00; cloth, $3.50.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Roughing It.</b>—600 pages; 300 illustrations. Sheep, -$4.00; cloth, $3.50.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Sketches, Old and New.</b>—320 pages; 122 illustrations. -Sheep, $3.50; cloth, $3.00.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Adventures of Tom Sawyer.</b>—150 engravings; 275 -pages. Sheep, $3.25; cloth, $2.75.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>The Gilded Age.</b>—576 pages; 212 illustrations. Sheep, -$4.00; cloth, $3.50.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>A Tramp Abroad. Mark Twain in Europe.</b>—A -Companion Volume to “Innocents Abroad.” 631 -pages. Sheep, $4.00; cloth, $3.50.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='large'><em>The War Series.</em></span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c027'><b>The Genesis of the Civil War.</b>—The Story of Sumter, -by Major-General S. W. Crawford, A. M., M. D., -LL. D. Illustrated with steel and wood engravings -and fac-similes of celebrated letters. 8vo, uniform with -Grant’s Memoirs. Full morocco, $8.00; half morocco, -$5.50; sheep, $4.25; cloth, $3.50.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Personal Memoirs of General Grant.</b>—Illustrations -and maps, etc. 2 vols.; 8vo. Half morocco, per -set, $11.00; sheep, per set, $6.00; cloth, per set, $7.00. -A few sets in full Turkey morocco and tree calf for sale -at special low prices.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Personal Memoirs of General Sherman.</b>—With -appendix by Hon. James G. Blaine. Illustrated; 2 -vols.; 8vo, uniform with Grant’s Memoirs. Half morocco, -per set, $8.50; sheep, per set, $7.00; cloth, per -set, $5.00. Cheap edition, in one large volume. Cloth, -$2.00.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Personal Memoirs of General Sheridan.</b>—Illustrated -with steel portraits and woodcuts; 26 maps; 2 -vols.; 8vo, uniform with Grant’s Memoirs. Half morocco, -per set, $10.00; sheep, per set, $8.00; cloth, per -set, $6.00. A few sets in full Turkey morocco and tree -calf to be disposed of at very low figures. Cheap edition, -in one large volume, cloth binding, $2.00.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>McClellan’s Own Story.</b>—With illustrations from -sketches drawn on the field of battle by A. R. Waud, -the Great War Artist. 8vo, uniform with Grant’s Memoirs. -Full morocco, $9.00; half morocco, $6.00; -sheep, $4.75; cloth, $3.75.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Memoirs of John A. Dahlgren.</b>—Rear-Admiral -United States Navy. By his widow, Madeleine Vinton -Dahlgren. A large octavo volume of 660 pages, with -steel portrait, maps and illustrations. Cloth, $3.00.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Reminiscences of Winfield Scott Hancock.</b>—By -his wife. Illustrated; steel portraits of General and -Mrs. Hancock; 8vo, uniform with Grant’s Memoirs. -Full morocco, $5.00; half morocco, $4.00; sheep, -$3.50; cloth, $2.75.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Tenting on the Plains.</b>—With the Life of General -Custer, by Mrs. E. B. Custer. Illustrated; 8vo, uniform -with Grant’s Memoirs. Full morocco, $7.00; half -morocco, $5.50; sheep, $4.25; cloth, $3.50.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Portrait of General Sherman.</b>—A magnificent line -etching on copper; size 19 x 24 inches; by the celebrated -artist, Charles B. Hall. $2.00. (Special prices on -quantities.)</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>The Great War Library.</b>—Consisting of the best editions -of the foregoing seven publications (Grant, Sheridan, -Sherman, Hancock, McClellan, Custer and Crawford). -Ten volumes in a box; uniform in style and -binding. Half morocco, $50.00; sheep, $40.00; cloth, -$30.00.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='large'><em>Other Biographical Works.</em></span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c027'><b>Life of Jane Welsh Carlyle.</b>—By Mrs. Alexander -Ireland. With portrait and fac-simile letter; 8vo, 324 -pages. Vellum cloth, gilt top, $1.75.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Life and Letters of Roscoe Conkling.</b>—By Hon. -Alfred R. Conkling, Ph. B., LL.D.; steel portrait and -fac-similes of important letters to Conkling from Grant, -Arthur, Garfield, etc. 8vo, over 700 pages. Half morocco, -$5.50; full seal, $5.00; sheep, $4.00; cloth, -$3.00.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Life of Pope Leo XIII.</b>—By Bernard O’Reilly, D. D., -L. D. (Laval.) Written with the encouragement and -blessing of His Holiness, the Pope. 8vo, 635 pages; -colored and steel plates, and full-page illustrations. -Half morocco, $6.00; half Russia, $5.00; cloth, gilt -edges, $3.75.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Distinguished American Lawyers.</b>—With their -Struggles and Triumphs in the Forum. Containing an -elegantly engraved portrait, autograph and biography -of each subject, embracing the professional work and -the public career of those called to serve their country. -By Henry W. Scott. Introduction by Hon. John J. -Ingalls. A large royal octavo volume of 716 pages, -with 62 portraits of the most eminent lawyers. Sheep, -$4.25; cloth, $3.50.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='large'><em>Miscellaneous.</em></span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c027'><b>Concise Cyclopedia of Religious Knowledge.</b>—Biblical, -Biographical, Theological, Historical and Practical; -edited by Rev. E. B. Sanford, M. A., assisted by -over 30 of the most eminent religious scholars in the -country. 1 vol.; royal 8vo, nearly 1,000 double-column -pages. Half morocco, $6.00; sheep, $5.00; cloth, -$3.50.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>The Table.</b>—How to Buy Food, How to Cook It, and -How to Serve It, by A. Filippini, of Delmonico’s; the -only cook-book ever endorsed by Delmonico; contains -three menus for each day in the year, and over 1,500 -original recipes, the most of which have been guarded -as secrets by the <em>chefs</em> of Delmonico. Contains the simplest -as well as the most elaborate recipes. Presentation -edition in full seal Russia, $4.50; Kitchen edition -in oil cloth, $2.50.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>One Hundred Ways of Cooking Eggs.</b>—Mr. Filippini -is probably the only man who can cook eggs in a -hundred different ways, and this little book will be -worth its price ten times over to any purchaser. Cloth -binding, ink and gold stamps, 50 cents.</p> - -<blockquote> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c028'> - <div>Also uniform with the above,</div> - </div> -</div> - -</blockquote> - -<p class='c027'><b>One Hundred Recipes for Cooking and Serving -Fish.</b>—This book contains only the best recipes, all of -which have been tested by Mr. Filippini during 25 -years’ experience with the Delmonicos. Cloth binding, -ink and gold stamps, 50 cents.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Yale Lectures on Preaching</b>, and other Writings, by -Rev. Nathaniel Burton, D. D.; edited by Richard E. -Burton. 8vo, 640 pages; steel portrait. Cloth, $3.75.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Legends and Myths of Hawaii.</b>—By the late King -Kalakaua; two steel portraits and 25 other illustrations. -8vo, 530 pages. Cloth, $3.00.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>The Diversions of a Diplomat in Turkey.</b>—By -the late Hon. S. S. Cox. 8vo, 685 pages; profusely -illustrated. Half morocco, $6.00; sheep, $4.75; cloth, -$3.75.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Inside the White House in War Times.</b>—By W. -O. Stoddard, one of Lincoln’s Private Secretaries. -12mo, 244 pages. Cloth, $1.00.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Tinkletop’s Crime</b>, and eighteen other Short Stories, by -George R. Sims. 1 vol.; 12mo, 316 pages. Cloth, -$1.00; paper covers, 50 cents.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>My Life with Stanley’s Rear Guard.</b>—By Herbert -Ward, one of the Captains of Stanley’s Rear Guard; -includes Mr. Ward’s Reply to H. M. Stanley. 12mo. -Cloth, $1.00; paper covers, 50 cents.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>The Peril of Oliver Sargent.</b>—By Edgar Janes Bliss. -12mo. Cloth, $1.00; paper covers, 50 cents.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>The Old Devil and the Three Little Devils</b>; or, -Ivan The Fool, by Count Leo Tolstoi, translated direct -from the Russian by Count Norraikow, with illustrations -by the celebrated Russian artist, Gribayédoff. -12mo. Cloth, $1.00.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Life IS Worth Living, and Other Stories.</b>—Translated -direct from the Russian by Count Norraikow. -This work, unlike some of his later writings, -shows the great Russian at his best. The stories are -pure, simple and powerful; intensely interesting as -mere creations of fancy, but, like all Tolstoi’s works, -written for a purpose, and containing abundant food for -earnest reflection. Cloth, ink and gold stamps, $1.00.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>The Happy Isles</b>, and Other Poems, by S. H. M. Byers. -Small 12mo. Cloth binding, $1.00.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Physical Beauty</b>: How to Obtain and How to Preserve -It, by Annie Jenness Miller; including chapters on Hygiene, -Foods, Sleep, Bodily Expression, the Skin, the -Eyes, the Teeth, the Hair, Dress, the Cultivation of -Individuality, etc., etc. An octavo volume of about 300 -pages. Cloth, $2.00.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Hour-Glass Series.</b>—By. Daniel B. Lucas, LL. D., and -J. Fairfax McLaughlin, LL. D. The first volume, -which is now ready, contains a series of historical epitomes -of national interest, with interesting sketches of -such men as Henry Clay, Daniel O’Connell and Fisher -Ames. Large 12mo. Cloth, $1.00.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>Adventures of A Fair Rebel.</b>—Author of “’Zeki’l,” -“Bet Crow,” “S’phiry Ann,” “Was It an Exceptional -Case?” etc. A story that is sure to be eagerly sought -after and read by Miss Crim’s many admirers. Stamped -cloth, $1.00; paper covers, 50 cents.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>In Beaver Cove and Elsewhere.</b>—Octavo, about 350 -pages, illustrated.</p> - -<blockquote> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c029'> - <div>PRESS OPINIONS.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c030'>“A writer who has quickly won wide recognition by short -stories of exceptional power.”—<cite>New York Independent.</cite></p> - -<p class='c030'>“Her magazine articles bear the stamp of genius.”—<cite>St. Paul -Globe.</cite></p> -</blockquote> - -<p class='c031'>This volume contains all of Miss Crim’s most famous -short stories. These stories have received the highest -praise from eminent critics and prominent literary journals, -and have given Miss Crim a position among the -leading lady writers of America. Cloth, handsomely -stamped, $1.00; paper covers, 50 cents.</p> - -<p class='c027'><b>The Flowing Bowl</b>: What and When to Drink; by -the only William (William Schmidt); giving full instructions -how to prepare, mix, and serve drinks: also -receipts for 237 Mixed Drinks, 89 Liquors and Ratafias, -115 Punches, 58 Bowls, and 29 Extra Drinks. An 8vo -of 300 pages. Fine cloth, gilt stamp, $2.00.</p> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c002' /> -</div> -<div class='tnotes'> - -<div class='chapter'> - <h2 class='c011'>TRANSCRIBER’S NOTES</h2> -</div> - <ol class='ol_1 c003'> - <li>P. <a href='#t171'>171</a>, changed “Entchluss” to “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Entschluss</span>”. - - </li> - <li>P. <a href='#t175'>175</a>, changed “fleissend” to “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">fliessend</span>”. - - </li> - <li>P. <a href='#t177'>177</a>, changed “norddeutchen” to “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">norddeutschen</span>”. - - </li> - <li>P. <a href='#t178'>178</a>, changed “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ihrer</span>” to “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ihr</span>”. - - </li> - <li>P. <a href='#t185'>185</a>, changed “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">hätte</span>” to “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">hatte</span>”. - - </li> - <li>P. <a href='#t187'>187</a>, changed “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ihnen</span>” to “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Sie</span>”. - - </li> - <li>P. <a href='#t187a'>187</a>, changed “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Brieftäger, wenn’s gefällig ist, er möchte Ihnen den - ein geschriebenen</span>” to “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Briefträger, wenn’s gefällig ist, er möchte Ihnen den - eingeschriebenen</span>”. - - </li> - <li>P. <a href='#t187b'>187</a>, changed “deutchen” to “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">deutschen</span>”. - - </li> - <li>P. <a href='#t191'>191</a>, changed “Coupè” to “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Coupé</span>”. - - </li> - <li>P. <a href='#t191a'>191</a>, changed “<span lang="nds" xml:lang="nds">got</span>” to “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">gut</span>”. - - </li> - <li>P. <a href='#t194'>194</a> and <a href='#t195'>195</a>, changed “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">habet</span>” to “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">habt</span>”. - - </li> - <li>P. <a href='#t194a'>194</a>, changed “mien gnädgister” to “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">mein Gnädigster</span>”. - - </li> - <li>P. <a href='#t201'>201</a>, changed “Poët” to “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Poet</span>”. - - </li> - <li>P. <a href='#t203'>203</a>, changed “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">sich schon so sehr—Deiner edlen Natur wegen. Dass du - dazu auch ein Dichter bist!—ach, mein Leben ist uebermässig reich geworden! Wir</span>” to - “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Dich schon so sehr—Deiner edlen Natur wegen. Dass du dazu auch ein Dichter - bist!—ach, mein Leben ist uebermässig reich geworden! Wer</span>”. - - </li> - <li>P. <a href='#t206'>206</a>, changed “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Komm</span>” to “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Kommt</span>”. - - </li> - <li>P. <a href='#t208'>208</a>, changed “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Aus</span>” to “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Aufs</span>”. - - </li> - <li>Silently corrected typographical errors and variations in spelling. - - </li> - <li>Anachronistic, non-standard, and uncertain spellings retained as printed. - - </li> - <li>Footnotes have been re-indexed using numbers. - </li> - </ol> - -</div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Merry Tales, by Mark Twain - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MERRY TALES *** - -***** This file should be named 60900-h.htm or 60900-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/0/9/0/60900/ - -Produced by Richard Tonsing and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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