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diff --git a/old/62279-0.txt b/old/62279-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 397de70..0000000 --- a/old/62279-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2865 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 29, -January, 1922, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 29, January, 1922 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: May 29, 2020 [EBook #62279] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, JAN 1922 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - -Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. III. No. 29, January, 1922 - - - - -_They’re Going Fast!_ - - -Whiz Bang’s greatest book—The Winter Annual Pedigreed Follies of -1921-22—hot off the press. Orders are now being mailed. There will be no -delay as long as the supply lasts. If your news stand’s quota is sold out— - -PIN A DOLLAR BILL - - Or your check, money order or stamps - To the coupon on the back page. - -And receive our 256-page bound volume of jokes, jests, jingles, stories, -pot pourri, mail bag and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever put -in print. - -REMEMBER, FOLK - -Last year our Annual (which was only one-fourth as large as the 1921-22 -book) was sold out on the Pacific Coast within three or four days, and -not a copy could be bought anywhere in the United States within ten days. - -So hurry up! First Come will be First Served! - -Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to the Whiz Bang Farm; -Robbinsdale, Minn. - -Don’t write for early back copies of our regular issues. - -We haven’t any left. - - - - - _Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang_ - - [Illustration] - - _America’s Magazine of - Wit, Humor and - Filosophy_ - - JANUARY, 1922 Vol. III. No. 29 - - Published Monthly - W. H. Fawcett, Rural Route No. 2 - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota - - Entered as second-class matter May, 1, 1920, at the postoffice - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the Act of March 3, 1879. - - Price 25 cents $2.50 per year - ONE DOLLAR FOR THE WINTER ANNUAL - - Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any - part permitted when properly credited to Capt. Billy’s Whiz - Bang. - - “We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is loyalty to - the American people.”—Theodore Roosevelt. - - Copyright 1922 - By W. H. Fawcett - - Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang employs no solicitors. Subscriptions - may be received only at authorized news stands or by direct - mail to Robbinsdale. We join in no clubbing offers, nor do we - give premiums. Two-fifty a year in advance. - - Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and dedicated to the - fighting forces of the United States - - - - -_Drippings From the Fawcett_ - - -After an extended trip of two months, which led me throughout the North -American continent, it was a rare treat to settle down again to routine -duties on the Whiz Bang farm. The main street of our own little “Gopher -Prairie” looked mighty good to a tired and worn out farmer. ’Twas indeed -a pleasure to view the Howard lumber yard, with its red fence and shed, -and to grasp the sturdy hand of our village postmaster and storekeeper, -Bud Nasett. J. J. McCormick, who is depot agent and telegraph operator, -not to mention baggage smasher for genial drummers, greeted me at the -station. - -“How are you, Bill, you old son-of-a-gun?” or words to this effect, was -the whole-hearted way that Mac welcomed back a wayward and prodigal -pilgrim. - -Arm in arm we walked along Main Street to Gus Urban’s meat market to -inquire as to the price of livestock. Mr. Urban, in his usual jovial -embonpoint manner, informed us that cows brought five cents a pound, but -that bull was priceless. I disagreed with Gus, insisting that my recent -journeys in quest of the pedigreed animal had left me “flat broke.” - -Directly across the street, neatly encased in imitation granite blocks -of concrete, is our only bank, the Security State of Robbinsdale—and it -hasn’t gone “bump” for nigh onto four years. In the reorganization which -followed the last crash, Joe Roche was selected as cashier and Joe has -since successfully piloted this financial bulwark of our happy little -village. Joe also manages the Robbinsdale baseball nine. After making a -small “touch” at the bank it was home and the farm. - -My welcome back was so pleasant that the words of that rural gem—“The -Little Old Home Town”—went Whiz-Zing through my jaded mind. - - There are fancier towns than our little town; - There are towns that are bigger than this, - And the people who live in a little old town - Don’t know the excitement they miss; - There are things that you see in the wealthier town - That you can’t in a town that’s small, - And yet, up and down, there is no other town - Than your own little town after all. - It may be true that the streets ain’t long, - Nor wide and maybe not straight - But the neighbors you know in your own little town, - All welcome a fellow—it’s great. - In the glittering streets of a glittering town, - With its palace and pavement and thrall; - In the midst of a throng you will frequently long - For your own little town after all. - If you live and you work in your own little town; - In spite of the fact that it’s small, - You’ll find it a fact that your own little town - Is the best little town after all. - - * * * * * - -Bobby Nelson, our neighbor’s boy, is the worst kid in the world for -betting, and the unusual feature of it is he usually wins. Bobby’s father -took the matter up with the school marm to see if she couldn’t break him -of the gambling habit, promising her a reward if successful. - -The other morning when Bobby came to school he wanted to bet teacher she -had a wart on her right knee and the school marm, knowing better, and -thinking she had an opportunity to win a bet from Bobby and by so doing, -discourage his betting habit, accepted Bobby’s challenge. After school -that evening teacher proved Bobby was wrong and won the two dollar bet. - -She then called on old man Nelson. - -“Mr. Nelson, I have broken Bobby of the betting habit. It was a little -embarrassing, but this is how it was—Bobby bet me two dollars I had a -wart on my right knee and in order to make him lose and cure him of the -betting habit I accepted his challenge.” - -“Lady! Lady! Why did you do it? Bobby bet me this morning ten dollars -that he would see your knee before the day was out.” - - * * * * * - -In naughty old New York you need cold cash to have a hot time. - - * * * * * - -The other day I went to an Irish wedding and the people who attended were -very ill mannered. Why, I never saw such impolite people. We were all -seated around the dinner table and when they brought the turkey in to -serve, everybody made a grab for it, but the two legs I got tasted very -good. - - * * * * * - -Out in Idaho it is reported that the natives are making booze in this -manner—women chew corn and then “gob” it into a hollowed-out section of a -tree trunk. Water is added and the mess allowed to ferment, after which -it is imbibed to intoxication. Some drink, we would pause to remark! - - * * * * * - -A friend of mine told me the other night he slept in a wagon standing in -an alley, and when he woke up in the morning he had nothing but a dime in -his pocket. He was thirsty and he also needed a shave, so he decided to -toss the coin to see whether he would get a shave or a drink. He tossed -up the dime, and when it came down he missed it and it rolled near a -sewer grating, coming to a standstill just half over the edge of the -grating. - -“Gee,” he exclaimed, “that was a close shave. I guess I’ll get a drink.” - - * * * * * - -We asked Gus what he thought of Helen of Troy, but he said that he had -stopped running around with those laundry girls. - - * * * * * - -Our Robbinsdale druggist insists that Minnesota Swedes are the most -advanced settlers in this country. - -“Formerly we thought the Swedes were crazy for drinking pure alcohol,” he -said, “But present day events prove them to have been about twenty years -in advance of the rest of us.” - - * * * * * - -A stranger got off the train at our neighboring town of Coon Creek and -went up to the town druggist and asked for whisky. - -“We’re only allowed to sell spirits for medicinal purposes,” said the -druggist. - -“That’s what I want it for,” the stranger insisted, “this town gives me a -pain.” - - * * * * * - - -Djever Get Fooled? - - _A gay young bird is the Flapper, too,_ - _If you aren’t very careful she will surely get you._ - _She is pretty and hungry, with a vampire’s thirst,_ - _Hot Dog! Near Beer! April First!_ - - * * * * * - -On my way to the Pacific coast last month I traded a Whiz Bang to a kid -at the depot in Fresno for a package of raisins which the boy was selling -on the depot platform. On the way back I saw the same kid. - -“Say, kid, those raisins were punk.” - -“So was the book” he replied. - - * * * * * - -Now, Fellow Soaks, we’ll touch a few high spots in this grand and -glorious continent as we ramble about with wry faces in pursuit of -the elusive Scotch and Bubbon. San Diego and its fashionable suburb, -Coronado, were tough spots for a thirsty Minnesota farmer. Nothing but a -concoction commonly called “sympathy” gin to be had by a meek and lowly -stranger. But, glory be to Mexico, Tiajuana with its old time western -bar-rooms and music halls, is but an hour away. - -We spent one grand and glorious afternoon and evening in this unique -village. It reminded me of slumming expeditions of a quarter century ago. -Visions of Omaha’s famous Arcade at Capitol Avenue and Ninth Street, and -of Duluth’s “Minnesota Point” in its palmy days, not to mention the cribs -of Dupont Street in Frisco, went flitting through my frappe’d brain. - -In one solace of joy we sat at a table for Haig and Haig “service,” said -service being delivered by jaded janes who divided their time between -waiting on customers and jazz dancing to the tinny tunes of a tin pan -orchestra. It was a wild place and a wild night. Later we dined at the -Sunset Inn. The inn was flanked by rooms filled with scores of roulette -wheels and faro tables. My sporting blood surged hither and thither but -to no avail, for the Mexican government had placed a temporary ban on -this style of gambling. - -Alcatraz Island, that silent citadel that illumines the skyline of -Frisco’s bay like a bleak battleship, is the temporary home of about five -hundred United States soldiers who have become ensnarled in the tough and -tedious red tape of Uncle Sam’s court martial system. Prisons and morgues -are two places I abhor, but it fell my lot to visit both in one night in -San Francisco. - -It happened like this: While entertaining some new found Frisco friends -in my room in the St. Francis Hotel, I was pleasantly surprised by the -head director of the Jewish Welfare Board, Shea Swartz by name, who -requested on behalf of the Board, that my pedigreed bunk be spread on the -rocky soil of Alcatraz. The five hundred boys gathered in the barrack -auditorium and gave the Whiz Bang a grand and glorious welcome. It was -one of the bright lights of a very enjoyable tour of the coast. - -Later in the evening, accompanied by George Duffy and G. W. DeLano of the -district attorney’s office, we inspected the famous San Francisco morgue. -It was a gruesome visit, I’ll admit, but some of the curse was removed -by the marvelous furniture and apparatus used in the handling of the -unfortunate. - -From the morgue we glimpsed a view of the city jail, through the kind -offices of Walter C. Schiller, who is bond and warrant clerk in the Hall -of Justice. - -It was next to Chinatown where we were met by the sergeant in charge -of the Chinatown vice squad. Two of his operatives conducted our party -through a score or more of Chink gambling and hop joints that had -recently been raided. We sincerely thank the squad, but regret not having -seen one or two places that had not been raided. - -It is the hour of dusk that Chinatown pads to and fro noiselessly. In -the little tangle of crooked streets, blue lozenges of lights, sitting -gods and queer smells that babble of Oriental talk is incessant at this -hour. Women parade in gaudy headdress and beads of jade. The men wear -their gaudiest silken robes. There are dried-up men whose faces are old -with the age of eastern lore, young women who walk with mincing steps and -Oriental grace, cherry-cheeked babies tottering uncertainly. - -We passed up Honolulu until later in the year and made a transcontinental -jump to New York to try and “Get Gertie’s Garter.” Don’t believe I’ll -ever be contented “down on the farm” after all the wonderful people and -wonderful sights of the past two months. But here goes for Lil’ Ol’ New -Yawk, as seen through the eyes of a farmer. - - - - -_Blistering Broadway_ - - -In the old days we used to hear startling tales of the decadence of the -Paris theatre. It is no longer necessary to cross the pond to have one’s -aesthetic (?) senses stirred. The New York stage will do it for you this -season. Right behind the Broadway footlights you can see everything done -in the name of Art from witnessing a young lady actually climb in a bed -already occupied by a male to observing a squad of girls play strip poker -until— - -But let us go back to the beginning. They say that it is a dull season in -New York and that no one is spending money—at least for theatre tickets. -Hence the frantic effort to whet the jaded appetites of the elusive -theatre-goers. - -Let us list some of the more sprightly attractions. Bear in mind that -some of them have excellent qualities. There is, for instance, Somerset -Maugham’s “The Circle,” telling of an old couple who have broken all the -conventions and of a younger couple about to follow in their footsteps. -It is told with lively cleverness. No, indeed, the young people do not -find a moral in the experiences of their elders. At the end they dash -away to investigate the illicit love-in-a-cottage stuff themselves and -Mr. Maugham points out that in life it doesn’t matter “what you do as -much as what you are.” And also that “you can do anything in this world -if you’re prepared to take the consequences and consequences depend on -character.” All of which is excellent mental food for the 1921 flapper. - -Then there is Cosmo Hamilton’s “The Silver Fox,” a little epic of a -philandering wife with a penchant for young men and abbreviated socks. -Clever, too, but decadent. - -Also we might note “Ambush,” the opus of a young woman who likes -pretty things and who is aided and abetted by her mother. Papa is a -poor commuter who wakes up when daughter introduces a flip and married -gentleman friend. When he protests, daughter slaps his face and snaps -“Damn you!” Still, there is some excuse for “Ambush.” At least it is well -written. - -Here we turn to the plain every day efforts to be insolently sensational -at any price. - -“Getting Gertie’s Garter” (note the chaste title), was one of the -earliest of the sexly stimulants. But garters have lost their vogue and, -anyway, the short skirts have ruined their novelty. So the piece did not -seriously upset New York. - -Then there’s “Lilies of the Field,” for instance, a demi-mondaine -treatise anent certain lilies who “toil not neither do they spin,” or -however it was that the Good Book let down the gold diggers of the old -days. This is especially recommended for the eighteen-year-old flapper. - -With which we arrive at the real blush producers of the year. Consider -“Bluebeard’s Eighth Wife.” Here a young woman, newly married, invites her -old sweetheart to her boudoir at midnight, gets him squiffy and persuades -him to undress and climb into bed. And undress he does, right down to his -B. V. D.’s in front of the footlights, the appreciative heroine and the -audience. Said heroine then clambers in—and friend husband appears. Yes, -it’s all to teach hubby a lesson (one must make some concession to the -police) and the B. V. D. person gets the air. - -Broadway had been busily getting out its shekels to see Bluebeard and the -B. V. D. youth when along came Avery Hopwood’s “The Demi-Virgin.” Now, -Mr. Hopwood’s demi-virgin is not the demi-vierge of the French, from whom -the noun comes. Since this is a family paper, we will explain demi-vierge -as a young and ambitious lady who is broadminded up to a certain point. -Mr. Hopwood’s heroine, however, is a movie queen who deserts her husband, -another movie idol, on their wedding night. Although the husband finally -succeeds in capturing his demi-wife in her boudoir and thereupon starts -out to—well—anyway the real incident of the piece is the aforementioned -strip poker party, where a half dozen film fillies discard garment after -garment in a game designed to be thrilling. It isn’t a mere strip poker -party but a “strip cupid” affair, the first to arrive at the cupid state -to be the winner—or loser. The game progresses until it is a mere matter -of a card’s turn who is to be cupid when, of course, the thing is ended. - -This, then, is the state of the New York stage at this moment. Meanwhile, -film fans see life on the screen through the eyes of little Rollo while, -just around the corner, six young women are in the act of taking off -their pink envelope thing-ums while an appreciative audience applauds. -Not, of course, that we’re for censorship anywhere. But the New York -stage producer seems to be able to get away with anything. - -It is making it awfully hard for the musical comedy producer. Years ago -he reached a certain limit in bare revelations and now the drama comes -along and wins away the tired business man. Of course, the musical -comedy maker isn’t giving up without a fight. Now and then he has an -inspiration, as when, in the new Greenwich Village Follies, he reveals a -lady to personify Art dressed exclusively in three golden leaves, each -placed with fine discernment and discretion. - -The next step on the New York stage will probably come when the musical -comedy producer raises—or lowers—his limit. Despite our youth, we can -recall—vividly—when he made the step from tights and stockings to bare -legs, the only thing left is for him to ape the Parisian producer and -have costumes stop their upward trend at the waist. We shall see, we -shall see! - - * * * * * - - -Hibrow Column - -Speaking about high-brow poetry, we have from the Saturday Evening Post -(page 26, October 15th), real classy lyrics on how to eat or drink -something. The poem isn’t quite clear as to whether Mr. Bloodgood was -eating a rotten apple or merely taking a shot of moonshine, but anyway, -it’s high-brow stuff— - - _I love the loathsome!_ - _Delicious half-ripe rottenness._ - _I dream deliciously_ - _As it slips_ - _So soothfully_ - _Down my grateful_ - _Amorous throat._ - - * * * * * - - -Pathfinder Pulls This - -The prisoner threw the magazines across his cell in disgust and swore -eloquently. “Nothin’ but continued stories,” he raged, “an’ I’m to be -hanged next Tuesday.” - - * * * * * - - -Reversed English - -Three southern gents of color were engaged in an argument. - -First Darkey—“My wife is some cook!” - -Second Darkey—“My wife is not much of a cook, but she is some wash-woman.” - -Third Darkey—“My wife is not much of a wash-woman and no cook, but she -shuh can kiss!” - -First Darkey—“She can, she can!” - -Third Darkey—“Wat’s dat?” - -First Darkey—“Can she? Can she?” - - * * * * * - -“That helps a good deal,” remarked the poker player as he drew the fourth -ace. - - * * * * * - - -Watch ’em Run - -Sportsman (to friend at track meet)—“So you like to watch the runners, -old man?” - -Sport—“Yes, I surely do. That plump girl over there has two in one -stocking.” - - * * * * * - - -Stop That, Horace! - -“What’s all that growling I hear?” - -“Oh, that’s the ‘Hot Dog’ I just ate.” - - * * * * * - - -Courtroom Pot Pourri - -They just caught Roy Gardner! - -Where was he standing? - -On Hightower watching Fatty Arbuckle before he visited Richmond, -Virginia. - - * * * * * - - -Towser Likes His Morsel - -The man getting his hair cut noticed that the barber’s dog, which was -lying on the floor beside the chair, had his eyes fixed on his master at -work. “Nice dog that,” said the customer. - -“He is, sir.” - -“He seems very fond of watching you cut hair.” - -“It ain’t that, sir,” explained the barber. “You see, sometimes I make a -mistake and snip off a little bit of a customer’s ear.” - - * * * * * - - -A Tit-Bit - -It was washing day and John had been kept from school to look after -the baby. Mother sent him into the garden to play, but it was not long -before cries disturbed her. “John, what is the matter with baby now?” she -inquired from her wash-tub. - -“I don’t know what to do with him, mother,” replied John. “He’s dug a -hole and wants to bring it into the house.” - - * * * * * - - -Misplaced Vertebra - -Here’s a good story on a Minneapolis chiropractor. He started his -treatment on the new patient by rubbing his back. Then he turned the -patient over and applied the treatment in front. The patient stood the -tickling as long as he could, then with a look of content in his eyes he -sez, “Kiss me, Doc.” - - * * * * * - - -Charlie’s Delicate Habits - -A nice young man called on a nice young lady and spent the evening -recently. When he arrived there was not a cloud in the sky, so he carried -no umbrella and wore no goloshes nor mackintosh. At 10:00 o’clock when he -arose to go, it was raining pitchforks and grindstones. - -“My, my, my!” said the nice young lady, “if you go out in this storm you -will catch your death of cold.” - -“I’m afraid I might,” was the trembling answer. - -“Well, I’ll tell you what—stay all night; you can have Tom’s room, as he -is visiting uncle and aunt up in the country. Yes, occupy Tom’s room. -Excuse me a minute, and I’ll just run up and see if it’s in order.” - -The young lady fled gracefully upstairs to see if any tidying was -necessary. In five minutes she came down to announce that the room was in -readiness, but no Charles was in sight. In a very few minutes, however, -he appeared, dripping wet and out of breath from running and with a -bundle in a newspaper under his arm. - -The nice young lady greeted him with: “Why, Charles, where have you been?” - -“Been home after my night shirt,” was his reply, as he hung his hat up to -drip. - - * * * * * - -That train smokes a lot. - -Yes, and choos, too. - - - - -_Questions and Answers_ - - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is the Goozes Pimple Glide dance?—=_Washer -Iggle_=. - -This is done in the following manner: While stepping on the ballroom -floor with your partner keep time with the music by stroking her bare arm -with the front and back (alternately) of your hand. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is meant by “A man ahead of the time?”—=_V. -Havan Oisteh._= - -The fellow who carries his watch in his hip pocket. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—While crossing from Key West to Havana on one of the -gin rickey boats I noticed a streak of oil on the water. Could you tell -me what that was from?—=_S. Lopp Boal._= - -Oh, that’s where the road went across the ice last winter. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain_=—We are going to give a cleaning-shower for a -bride-to-be. Can you suggest an appropriate gift?—=_Mid Riff._= - -A bath mitt. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Cap’n_=—I am giving a home-brew party to some jolly boys and -girls. What is the proper hour to have the musicians play “Home Sweet -Home?”—=_Roll Myowne._= - -Just before half pash stew. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain_=—I am alone a great deal at night and am afraid. Can you -suggest some kind of protection?—=_Belle R. Peeling._= - -Take the bark of a dogwood tree and leave it outside your bedroom door. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Cap._=—Can you suggest some inexpensive amusement that I might -indulge in when my husband is away?—=_Dottie._= - -Take a bath and then spend half an hour or so playfully trying to locate -the soap. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Cap’n Billy_=—I have just purchased several new gowns and no one -seems to notice them. What can I do?—=_Ophelia Bumpus._= - -Try standing on a street corner with a tin cup in your hand and wear a -sign “I am dumb.” - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Cap. Billy_=—How can I cure my husband’s hiccups?—=_Ada Banana._= - -Don’t try. It is a mark of distinction. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain_=—When my husband takes me to a dance he prefers to jazz -with all the girls except me. What can I do?—=_Gladys Swetz._= - -Make him wear shoulder braces. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—In all your travels, where did you receive the most -hospitality?—=_Al Hambra._= - -It was when in California. A gentleman called me into his room, handed me -a goblet in one hand and a demijohn in the other and turned his back. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—My dearest boy friend jilted me and now refuses to -marry me. Please give me your best dope.—=_Sally Patica._= - -Dear Sally—Always hate him and bring your children up the same way. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—I am fondly in love with a young girl in our town, -but also have strong sympathies for a dashing grass widow of thirty. My -age, too, is thirty, and I would like your advice as to whom I should -consider seriously.—=_Gloomy Gus._= - -Always deal with an old established firm, young man. - - * * * * * - - -A Story With Teeth In It - -Pat and Mike hesitated at the gate of the home they intended to rob, -because of a barking dog. - -“Go head, Mike,” said Pat, “You know a barking dog never bites.” - -“Maybe so,” replied Mike, “you know that and I know it, but the dang dog -doesn’t know it.” - - * * * * * - - -Dusky Diana’s Devotion - -Pounding on the door of the attractive mulatto girl, the soldier bid -fair to rouse the entire neighborhood, till a head was thrust out of an -upstairs window and a voice cautiously asked: - -“Hush up dar, yo’ soldier! What yo’ want?” - -“Wanta come in,” hiccupped the warrior, who had evidently left the shrine -of Bacchus to worship at that of Venus. - -“H’m! Does yo’ b’long to de United States Marines?” - -“Nope; but wanta come in.” - -“Does yo’ b’long to de Third Massachusetts?” - -“Nope.” - -“To the Second Noo Hampshires?” - -“Nope.” - -“To the Fourf Noo York?” - -“Nope; but wanta come in, all the same.” - -“Well, yo’ can just go away fum dar, yo’ triflin soldier; I’se a very -partickler woman, I is.” - - * * * * * - - -Oh, Mother, Lookit Daughter! - - S ... is for the shortness of their length, - K ... is for the knees which we see, - I ... is for inches, 20 above ground, - R ... is for regions dear to me. - T ... is for thin, transparent, - S ... is for the shapes we see, - - Oh! may short skirts live on forever, - In this sweet land of liberty. - - * * * * * - - -Press Agent Stuff - -The selection of the Cast for “Why Change Your Beeveedees?” the snappy -cinema spectacle which the management of the Snore-On Theatre has been -persuaded to show commencing today, was a task calling forth all the -brains of that superior author-scenarist-director-producer, Whatin -L. Isit. The difficulty lay in getting a star acceptable alike to -the garment workers, buttonhole makers, laundry operators and health -authorities. - -M. T. Dome, who plays the leading male role in Wanta Daddy’s latest -paramour picture, “The Questionable Residence,” adapted from Gimm E. -Vice’s play by Seena Lott, is the newest addition to Hollywood’s film -colony. Dome came all the way from New York to California just to play -the part of Powerful Percy the Panderer’s Pal in the picture. He was last -seen on the screen as Glorious Love’s leading man in “The Passionate -Plumber.” - - * * * * * - - -Indignation Personified - -Brother Toole of the Kablegram writes: “I had all kinds of trouble at the -Blank Hotel last night. It was the first time I ever stopped there. When -I returned from the theatre, I found that the clerk had put two women in -my room. I went downstairs and raised all kinds of trouble about it. I -couldn’t do a thing with the manager at first—but finally he put one of -the women out.” - - * * * * * - - -The Guy Who Kin Sling It - -By Walter Wolf - - Some fellers er allus a spoutin’ - Bout the coin they used to make. - Like the girl thets allus a shoutin, - Bout the good pies she kin bake. - Now the feller thets allus made the dough - Should git credit fer Mary’s pies, - But how do it come, I’d like t’ know— - That this feller gits by with so many lies. - The guy he meets Mary an he shoots his bazoo, - Then suddenly ther married and I’ll leave it to you— - If the guy who kin sling it aint the guy thet gits by— - An allus gits the best uv the girls home-made pies. - - * * * * * - - -In Deah Old Hingland - -Rough-neck Western Yankee—Watcher principal trees here in England? - -English Cockney—Hoak, helm and hash. - - * * * * * - - -The Last Waltz - -They had met at a dance, he and she. He had wooed and won her while -dancing to jazz harmony, that’s why they were all “jazzed” up now. She -got to shaking her shoulders, so he “shook” her for good and got a -divorce. Now they’re apart and do their dancing with different partners. -She gets stepped on and he steps on others. Some day when “Home Sweet -Home” is played they will wander home together again and call it “The -Last Waltz.” - - * * * * * - -“My wife,” said the henpecked one, “is a woman of few words—but she uses -them over and over again.” - - * * * * * - - -Whizzical Whams - -By Whursmuhwhiski. - -I stopped in a Music Store the other day, and while looking around, I saw -a stack of sheet music called “Toyland Sketches.” The first one I noticed -was called “The Arrival of the Teddy Bears.” Needless to say, I didn’t -look any further. - - * * * * * - - Roses are red, violets are blue, - My roll is dwindling, since I met you. - - * * * * * - -Would “When Mother Plays a Rag On the Sewing Machine,” necessarily be a -sister song to “When Father Plays a Chord On the Wood-pile?” - - * * * * * - - -Hymn 999 - -Tenant (to janitor)—What was all that cursing and swearing going on -Sunday morning? - -Janitor—Oh, that was Mrs. McFadden. She was going to church and she -couldn’t find her prayer book. - - * * * * * - - -Our Old Friend Sal - -How did Sal treat you? - -Sal who? - -Sal Hepatica. - -Oh, she worked me to a frazzle. - - * * * * * - -“Oh, Ralph, I haven’t a thing to wear.” - -“’S’all right. I’ve a Sedan.” - - * * * * * - - -It Cannot Vas - -Ikey—Papa I’m in lof. Ain’t it a fine feelings? - -Papa—Dat’s nice, Ikey; who is de goil? - -Ikey—Ah papa, she’s a peaches and cream. She’s good looking, she’s a good -housekeeper, her papa’s got lots of money and— - -Papa—Vat’s her name, Ikey? - -Ikey—Alma Rosenbloom, ain’t she a daisy? - -Papa—You mean de clothing man’s daughtair? - -Ikey—Dat’s de goil, papa. How do you like it? - -Papa—Ikey, I’m very sorry but it cannot vas. - -Ikey—It cannot vas, papa, for why? - -Papa—You see, Ikey, ven I vas a young man I was married before and Alma -Rosenbloom iss your sistair. - -After a lapse of time Ikey comes in again, all smiles and joyfully greets -his father with the announcement— - -Papa, I’m in lof again. - -Papa (anxiously)—Who iss de goil dis time? - -Ikey—Ah she’s a fine buxoms, she’s a good musician, she can cook, she’s -good looking, her papa’s got lots of money, and— - -Papa—Ikey, tell your papa, who is de goil? - -Ikey—It’s Rosa Lipshuts. - -Papa—You mean de pawnbroker’s daughtair? - -Ikey—Dat’s de baby, ain’t she a fine catches? - -Papa (shaking his head in the negative)—Ikey, I’m very sorry but it -cannot vas. - -Ikey—It cannot vas, papa, for why it cannot vas? - -Papa—You see, Ikey, ven I vas a young man I vas married twice and Rosa -Lipshuts iss your sistair also. - -At this Ikey could no longer contain himself and gave vent to his -feelings in an outburst of boo-hooing. To hide his disappointment he -sought refuge in his room where his mother, attracted by his sobs, came -to console him. - -Mama—Ikey, for vhy are you crying? - -Ikey—Oh, mama it’s too terrible, it’s too terrible. - -Mama—Tell your mama, Ikey, for vhy do you cry? - -Ikey did. - -Mama (patting her boy on the head)—Dat’s all right, Ikey. You go an marry -de goil. She’s a good goil, she’s got lots of money, and— - -Ikey (between sobs)—But, mama, it cannot vas. - -Mama—Yes, it can vas, Ikey. You see ven a young goil I vas married before -also and your papa is not your fathair. - - * * * * * - - -The Latest Movie Title - -_THE BATTLE OF GARTER RUN._ - - * * * * * - - -Her Sprinkling System - -The architect was standing before one of his newly completed creations. -Its mistress, plentifully sprinkled with diamonds at eleven in the -morning, turned to him and said: - -“It’s grand, and I’ve just decided not to employ a landscape gardener. I -know just what I want myself. Banked up right against the porch there I -want a real thick border—now what is that name? You know; those bright -red flowers that look so dressy—yes; now I have it—saliva.” - -The architect was staggered for a moment, but soon recovered and came -back enthusiastically. - -“The very thing,” he agreed. “And right in front a nice row of -spitunians.” - - * * * * * - -Dark—Going to the dance tonight, Sam? - -Darker—Naw, I ain’t got any razor. - - * * * * * - - -William Tell O’Toole - -Clancy chuckled. - -“What’s the joke?” asked Mooney. - -“Sure,” replied Clancy, “Casey bet me ten dollars he could shoot a peanut -off my head with a shot gun and oi took him up because oi knew he’d miss -it.” - - * * * * * - -He wouldn’t supporter, so she stole his suspenders. - - - - -_Hollywood Flirtations_ - - -Little Shannon Day, a Ziegfeld Folly girl, is out west playing in a Lasky -picture. Monte Katterjohn, Lasky scenario writer has been seen with Miss -Shannon very frequently during the past two years, both in New York and -in Hollywood. He went so far as to take her to a formal Authors League -Dinner last year and the speeches and the minutes of the meeting and the -pleas for unpaid dues were such a tax on Shannon’s mind that she was -caught dropping off to sleep many times before the tiresome evening was -over. “I can’t see nothing to authors” quotes Shannon as she smoothes a -new dress which Mamma Dolly of the famous Dolly Sisters team made for her -just before she left New York. - - * * * * * - -While Geraldine Farrar stayed in Southern California last month, -fulfilling her concert engagements she kept herself much secluded in -her bungalow at the Hotel Maryland in Pasadena. Her parents were with -her. Many of her former friends in the film colony attempted to see her -in vain and it is surmised that Miss Farrar wished to keep to herself -until the matter of her pending divorce from Lou Tellegen has either been -granted or repatched. - - * * * * * - -The weekly calendar of a well known church in Los Angeles printed the -following questions soon after the Arbuckle affair spread itself forth in -the newspapers: - -“What would you do if you were in Mr. Arbuckle’s predicament?” - -“Is this a day of judgment for the movies?” - -“Was Miss Virginia Rappe of aristocratic blood?” - -“How much do we know of Henry Lehrman, the lover of Miss Rappe?” - - * * * * * - -Another wedding in the Pickford family is predicted. It is whispered that -Lottie Pickford is soon to marry Alan Forrest, popular and handsome young -leading man of the films. Lottie Pickford was formerly Mrs. Rupp, wife of -a Los Angeles broker, whom she divorced about two years ago. - - * * * * * - - -She Had Mud On Her Shoes - -He (driving up to the curb)—Hello, little girl, wanta go for a ride? - -Sweet Thing—Nothing doing, I’m walking home from one now. - - * * * * * - -She—“I wish God had made me a boy.” - -He—“He did. I’m he.” - - * * * * * - - -Old Stuff - -A stranger, walking along the road, passed an old darkey. He began -talking with him and found out that he had known George Washington. - -“I suppose you remember when Washington crossed the Delaware?” he asked. - -“’Deed, boss, I steered dat boat,” was the reply. - -“And do you remember when he took a hack at that cherry tree?” - -“’Deed I do,” the darkey replied, “’case I drove that hack myself.” - - * * * * * - - -Rastus Johnsing Says - -Ah’s so tough ah scratches de enamel off de tub when ah takes a bafth. - - * * * * * - - -Sing It In High Tenor - - “Darling, put your arms around me, - Oh, for heaven’s sake! - Ain’t you awfully glad you found me? - Oh, for heaven’s sake! - Am I not your little beauty? - Are you not my little cutie? - Kiss me, kiss me, Sweet Patootie, - Oh, for heaven’s sake!” - - * * * * * - -Thousands of lonely women are staring at faded photographs when they -might be kissing the faces of children. - - - - -_Whiz Bang Editorials_ - -“_The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet._” - - -Jazz life seems to agree with Americans. We not only live faster than -our great- grandparents, but, on the average, we also live eight years -longer. So says the Census Bureau. - -Some day the centenarian will be the rule, not the exception. That will -come as a result of health education, not from eating monkey glands. - -A popular song had this refrain: “He may be old, but he’s got young -ideas.” That appealed to popular fancy because it caught the subconscious -mind, which probably knew what the census now reports: - -That marriages of persons beyond fifty years of age are steadily -increasing in numbers, already being frequent. Out of 100 American men -and women, 80 are married before they reach 45, while 10 take the leap -afterward and 10 remain single. - -Divorces among those who have passed 45 are also becoming more common. -This, however, is not making us a cynical people, for the census finds -that the majority of divorced people try marriage at least a second time, -many making three or four ventures. - -Figures—which never lie, though liars often figure—show that the span of -life is lengthening during the Jazz Age. - -The strain at times gets on our nerves. Frequently one of the contestants -howls and goes to pieces. But, on the average, the real effects of the -Jazz Age will not show up until our descendants of one hundred years or -more hence. - - * * * * * - - -They Named the Soap After Him - - _In Dr. W. A. Evans’ column in the Minneapolis Journal, “A. G. - M.” writes, under the heading of the Artistic Sex_: - - “I have a son, seventeen years old, who is and has been for - ten years, obsessed with a strange desire. He wants and feels - that he ought to be a girl. Ever since he was seven years old, - and probably before, although I had never noticed it, he has - thought of himself as a girl, acted like one, desired to be - regarded as a girl, and has, whenever he could worn girls’ - clothing. - - “His mother and I had a terrific struggle to allow his hair to - be cut like a boys’, when he was six or seven years old. He - withstood us until he was nearly ten, when, for the sake of - peace, he consented to have it bobbed. Up to that time he had - worn it in a great mass of curls, away down over his shoulders, - regardless of the ridicule of his playmates. He wore his hair - bobbed until two years ago, when he finally had it cut after a - fashion similar to other boys. This is just one incident, but - it may serve to show you something of his frame of mind. - - “He attended a gymnasium class until he was fourteen, and he - invariably wore bloomers and a bow of ribbon in his hair. - - “In fact, he is far more at home in girls’ clothing than he is - in boys’, for he has always insisted on wearing dresses and - gowns when in the house. His bedroom is a real girl’s boudoir, - with dressing table, powder puff, etc. He has as few boys’ - clothes as he can get along with for going out. Playing with - dolls was his favorite amusement until he was about thirteen. - He is about five feet eleven and one-half inches tall, good - looking and possessed of a remarkably good mind. He never has - given any signs of mental deficiency, unless you term what I - have above described as mental deficiency, or rather insanity. - I would be grateful if you would tell me your opinion.” - - _(Dr. Evans’ answer): This is a case of third or intermediate - sexism. You will find a fair amount of literature on the - subject. Such subjects are not in any sense feeble-minded. In - fact, many of them are exceptionally bright. As a rule the - stage, music or painting offers the best fields for men and - women of this group._ - -Wonder what our friends of the theatre think of Dr. Evans’ advice? -Probably they would feel the same way as the Army officials felt towards -certain chiefs of police who paroled the bums and the crooks on condition -they join the Army. - - * * * * * - - -Blank Verse - - Never get too intimate - With your friends, - They may some day - Be your enemies; - Never be too hard - On your enemies, - They may some day - Be your friends. - - - - -_Smokehouse Poetry_ - - -_Dear folk: We have some dandy stuff in store for you. Among the masters -who are writing for Whiz Bang the coming year are J. Eugene Chrisman, -author of “Poppies, Hell,” with his “Chi Slim,” “Keyhole Stuff” and -others; H. A. D’Arcy, author of “The Face Upon the Floor” with his -“Trapper’s Story,” “Charlie Wong” and others; Frank B. Lindeman, the -prospector-poet with his ode “To a Mountain Rat” and others; and last but -not least, some almost forgotten masterpieces of James Whitcomb Riley, -whose “Passing of the Old Smokehouse,” was one of the many hits of our -Winter Annual, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22._ - - * * * * * - - -The Blanket Stiff - -By Gifford and Whitney. - - The Western trail is a gittin’ dim; - The Sage-brush seems unreal; - My insides’re weak and gittin’ slim. - Sure wished I had a meal. - - My feet are growin’ weary; - My head is hangin’ low; - My eyes are a lookin’ teary. - Gawd! But it’s hard to go. - - There’s two thousand ties to a mile, - And fifty more miles to go. - I’ve counted those ties with a smile, - Keeps time from a goin’ so slow. - - Now—they seem a mile apart. - I can’t help feelin’ cold. - Got an achin’ down around my heart - I guess—I’m a gettin’—old. - - Know what the gangs a doin’ now, - Way down in Elephant Slough. - They’re sittin’ around a can o’ chow - Helpin’ themselves tuh stew. - - I kid myself, I ain’t et fer a week, - But I know it’s dang sight more. - My throat is dry—my insides squeak— - I’m hungry—clean to th’ core. - - I ain’t th’ kind that’ll stoop to yell, - When bad luck comes my way. - I’ve lived and sinned. I’m bound for Hell. - But—guess—I’ll kneel and pray. - - The Bo got down on rough worn ties; - Lifted his head in prayer, - And knelt there pleading to the skies— - A whistle sounded through the air. - - The Hobo heard and tried to rise, - Saw the train comin’ fast. - His muscles failed—and from the ties, - He welcomed this—the last. - - It’s only a blanket—stiff ye hit, - Sent another bum to Hell. - Had I better report on it? - I guess I might as well. - - No, Con, don’t make out no report. - Let’s plant him by the steel. - The Bum’s bound for an unknown port, - And tracks will make it real. - - The Western trail is a gittin’ black. - It’s time we moved along. - They buried him beside the track— - The hot western wind for the psalm. - - The Bo woke up in a nice white gown; - Clean, just like he’d had a bath. - Instead of the ties that held him down - He followed a golden path. - - * * * * * - - -The Girl From Over “There” - -By Budd L. McKillips - - A pistol shot, a darting pain - Like red-hot needles through her brain, - And ere the smoke cleared from the room - Another soul groped through the gloom. - - With fleeting glance the policemen came - Looked through her purse, took down her name; - Reporters never wondered why - Or reasoned how she came to die. - - In silent morgue, somber and drab— - With folded hands, on sheeted slab— - No mourners crowded ’round her bier - To say a prayer or shed a tear. - - Yet scarce a week before and she - Had smiled and looked on life with glee - Dreamed dreams of everlasting bliss - And reveled in her lover’s kiss. - - His mistress? yes but oft he’d said - He loved her madly, soon they’d wed; - Love-blind she hung on every word - While ugly rumors went unheard. - - Then came the day which like a thief - Stole joy and filled her heart with grief; - Cursed by the man she called her own, - She woke to find her dreams had flown. - - Tired of his toy he now defamed - And thrust her from him, unashamed, - To find refuge among her kind; - Then went to meet his latest find. - - Black as the night from pole to pole - The world seemed to her aching soul; - With heart bowed down and racked with pain - She sent a bullet through her brain. - - In restaurant where bright lights shine - A man laughs loud, made gay with wine - He beams on one with youth abloom— - The fairest creature in the room. - - The violins wail and cymbals clash, - The dancers whirl and diamonds flash; - His heart is light and free of care - As tambos beat and trombones blare. - - Forgotten is the long ago, - The whispered love-words, soft and low - Each word a lie, each kiss a snare - For her long since passed over “there.” - - Unnoticed by the merry crowd - A figure enters clad in shroud, - Her ghastly face a lurid glow— - The dead girl’s face of long ago. - - The music stops, unseen she flits - To where a laughing couple sits - A choking shriek, a gasp for breath— - A man lies still and stark in death. - - A hush falls o’er the crowded room - There comes a breath as from a tomb— - The eyes now set in glassy stare - Had seen the face from over “there.” - - * * * * * - - -The Ballad of Yukon Jake - -By Edward E. Paramore, Jr. - -_As originally published in Vanity Fair._ - - Oh the North Countree is a hard countree - That mothers a bloody brood; - And its icy arms hold hidden charms - For the greedy, the sinful and lewd. - And strong men rust, from the gold and the lust - That sears the Northland soul, - But the wickedest born, from the Pole to the Horn, - Is the Hermit of Shark Tooth Shoal. - - Now Jacob Kaime was the Hermit’s name, - In the days of his pious youth, - Ere he cast a smirch on the Baptist church - By betraying a girl named Ruth. - But now men quake at “Yukon Jake,” - The Hermit of Shark Tooth Shoal, - For that is the name that Jacob Kaime - Is known by from Nome to the Pole. - He was just a boy and the parson’s joy - - (Ere he fell for the gold and the muck), - And had learned to pray, with the hogs and the hay - On a farm near Keokuk. - But a Service tale of illicit kale— - And whiskey and women wild— - Drained the morals clean as a soup-tureen - From this poor but honest child. - He longed for the bite of a Yukon night - And the Northern Light’s weird flicker, - Or a game of stud in the frozen mud, - And the taste of raw red licker. - He wanted to mush along in the slush, - With a team of huskie hounds, - And to fire his gat at a beaver hat - And knock it out of bounds. - - So he left his home for the hell-town Nome, - On Alaska’s ice-ribbed shores, - And he learned to curse and to drink, and worse— - Till the rum dripped from his pores, - When the boys on a spree were drinking it free - In a Malamute saloon - And Dan Megrew and his dangerous crew - Shot craps with the piebald coon; - When the Kid on his stool banged away like a fool - At a jag-time melody - And the barkeep vowed, to the hardboiled crowd, - That he’d cree-mate Sam McGee— - - Then Jacob Kaime, who had taken the name - Of Yukon Jake, the Killer, - Would rake the dive with his forty-five - Till the atmosphere grew chiller. - With a sharp command he’d make ’em stand - And deliver their hard-earned dust, - Then drink the bar dry, of rum and rye, - As a Klondike bully must. - Without coming to blows he would tweak the nose - Of Dangerous Dan Megrew, - And becoming bolder, throw over his shoulder - The lady that’s known as Lou. - Oh, tough as a steak was Yukon Jake— - Hard-boiled as a picnic egg. - He washed his shirt in the Klondike dirt, - And drank his rum by the keg. - In fear of their lives (or because of their wives) - He was shunned by the best of his pals - An outcast he, from the comraderie - Of all but wild animals. - So he bought him the whole of Shark Tooth Shoal, - A reef in the Bering Sea, - And he lived by himself on a sea lion’s shelf - In lonely iniquity. - - But, miles away, in Keokuk, Ia., - Did a ruined maiden fight - To remove the smirch from the Baptist Church - By bringing the heathen Light. - And the Elders declared that all would be squared - If she carried the holy words - From her Keokuk Home to the hell-town Nome - To save those sinful birds. - So, two weeks later, she took a freighter, - For the gold-cursed land near the Pole, - But Heaven ain’t made for a lass that’s betrayed— - She was wrecked on Shark Tooth Shoal! - - All hands were tossed in the Sea, and lost— - All but the maiden Ruth, - Who swam to the edge of the sea lion’s ledge - Where abode the love of her youth. - He was hunting a seal for his evening meal - (He handled a mean harpoon) - When he saw at his feet, not something to eat, - But a girl in a frozen swoon, - Whom he dragged to his lair by her dripping hair, - And he rubbed her knees with gin. - To his great surprise, she opened her eyes - And revealed—his Original Sin! - - His eight-months’ beard grew stiff and weird - And it felt like a chestnut burr, - And he swore by his gizzard—and the Arctic blizzard, - That he’d do right by her. - But the cold sweat froze on the end of her nose - Till it gleamed like a Teckla pearl, - While her bright hair fell, like a flame from hell, - Down the back of the grateful girl. - But a hopeless rake was Yukon Jake - The Hermit of Shark Tooth Shoal! - And the dizzy maid he rebetrayed - And wrecked her immortal soul! - Then he rowed her ashore with a broken oar, - And he sold her to Dan Megrew - For a huskie dog and some hot egg-nog— - As rascals are wont to do. - Now ruthless Ruth is a maid uncouth - With scarlet cheeks and lips, - And she sings rough songs to the drunken throngs - That come from the sealing ships. - For a rouge-stained kiss from this infamous miss - They will give a seal’s sleek fur, - Or perhaps a sable, if they are able; - It’s much the same to her. - - Oh, the North Countree is a rough countree, - That mothers a bloody brood; - And its icy arms hold hidden charms - For the greedy, the sinful and lewd. - And strong men rust, from the gold and the lust - That sears the Northland soul, - But the wickedest born from the Pole to the Horn - Was the Hermit of Shark Tooth Shoal! - - * * * * * - - -God Bless the “Y.” - -A mud-spattered dough-boy slouched into the ‘Y’ hut where an -entertainment was in progress and slumped into a front seat. - -Firm, kindly, and efficient, a Y. M. C. A. man approached him, saying: -“Sorry, buddy, but the entire front section is reserved for officers.” - -Wearily the youth rose. - -“All right,” he drawled, “but the one I just got back from wasn’t.” - - * * * * * - - -A Test For You - -_On our recent visit in Los Angeles we became contaminated with Ham -Beall’s filosophy. (Note to the boys: This was written just before Ham -went on the wagon.)_ - - He is not drunk who from the floor, - Can rise again and drink once more; - But he is drunk who prostrate lies, - And cannot either drink or rise. - - - - -_The Flesh Pots of Egypt_ - -BY REV. “GOLIGHTLY” MORRILL - -Pastor, People’s Church, Minneapolis, Minn. - - -Allah be praised! Here I am in Alexandria, the city founded by Alexander -the Great. Yet Alex. could never conquer this part of the world today—the -smells would put him to rout. This polyglot port is in “Lower” Egypt, -and its dives are among the lowest found anywhere. The Rue des Soeurs is -a street where crooked people go straight to perdition. Gambling hells -are overflowing. Sailors and soldiers from the four corners of the globe -crowd the cafes, where guitars twang, pianos jangle, drunks bawl, booze -flows, choruses cheer and women leer. Fleshy Fatimas, overpainted and -underclothed prowl about the street seeking whom they may devour. From -lighted windows come droning nasal songs— - - “Ya benat Iskendereeyeh,” etc. - - “O ye damsels of Alexandria! - Your walk over the furniture is alluring: - Ye wear the Kashmeer shawl with embroidered work, - And your lips are sweet as sugar.” - -All aboard for Cairo, city of the Caliphs, and I felt like taking a board -and spanking the exposed anatomy of the Arab youths who posed along the -railroad tracks to shock and mock the passengers. - -Leaving the black sheep tourists at “Shepherds” Hotel, I visited the -mosques which are as numerous in Cairo as mosquitoes in New Jersey. There -may be a thousand; I visited five hundred, more or less. Sometimes I -took off my slippers at the outer door, and at others I wore a kind of -moccasin over my tourist shoes and shuffled and slid over the old floors, -wondering how in the name of everything sacred I could profane anything -with a good “sole” like mine. In my fling about the city I visited the -Whirling Dervishes who whirled and dervished for me to my heart’s content -with a poetry of motion a Sitka Indian could never attain. My head -grows dizzy and my stomach faint when I think of them and their musical -accompaniment of tambourines and flutes which were a cross between an -ungreased saw and the breathing of an overdriven horse. I left before -these human tops stopped spinning, and I carried away the memory of their -tomato-can hats, bell-shaped robes, half-closed eyes, drooping heads and -extended arms. I still see the uplifted right palm catching a blessing -from Allah, the left hand turned down to bestow it. - -Cairo’s amusements are varied: you may attend the opera house and listen -to Italian music or see a French farce; take a turn at the hippodrome -and have a circus; or stop at an open air play on the Esbekeeyah; or, if -religiously inclined, take in the convent with its dancing dervishes and -barbarous music; watch snake-charmers, glass-eaters, sword-swallowers, -long-haired fakirs, chibook-smokers and munchers of scorpions; sip cafe -noir (that looks and tastes like sweetened Nile mud) in a little shop -where the waiters and loungers are as thick as the drink; or see Arabs -gamble with dice and cards, much as they do in America; go to a kind -of vaudeville, where a stringed band of lady-performers try to beguile -travelers, with American airs and Persian dances, into buying drinks -for them at the rate of one or two dollars a bottle, and poor stuff -at that; or meander through the Fish Market at midnight where streets -are filled with citizens and sight-seers, sidewalks with roystering -soldiers, bazaars with shrewd traders, dens with drunken natives, and -miles of houses with women outcasts from all quarters of the globe, -leering, lurking and lustful, caged like wild beasts behind iron-barred -gratings which are necessary to keep them from murderous assault on the -morals, money and lives of the passersby. I was held up in an alleyway -by a beautiful Ghawazee girl who said, with outstretched hand, “Me -backsheesh to give God.” She would need a bank-roll to get full pardon -for her multitudinous mistakes. The resorts where naked women invite you -to see the “Danse du Ventre,” a Terpsichorean exercise not noted for -its modesty, and the mahsheshehs, or hang-outs where hasheesh smokers -stimulate themselves into idiotic talk and laughter and stupefy their -brains into a narcotic nepenthe of poverty, hunger and dirt, may seem -quite unethical to the Occidental tenderfoot, but they are Christian -places of entertainment compared with those infamous joints in the Fish -Market where men, dressed up like women, carry on. These bordels had -their prototype of old in the Egyptian temples of Isis. - -I entered a Cafe Chantant where, before an entranced audience, two -daughters of the desert, with incandescent kohl-stained eyes and -sin-stained souls, were going through the sinuous undulations of the -“hooche-cooche.” They moved their necks to and fro like cobras before a -snake-charmer, and the motion of hip, breast and abdomen thrilled the -spectators. These Egyptian dancers show a laxity of muscles and morals, -and dance in a way that makes it unnecessary to attend a gymnasium. The -dishes served were delicate, but the songs were indelicate, to say the -least. There was a very pathetic one which I translate: - - “O damsel! thy silk shirt is worn out, and thine arms have become - visible, - And I fear for thee, on account of the blackness of thine eyes. - I desire to intoxicate myself, and kiss thy cheeks, - And do deeds that ’Antar did not.” - -The Oriental orchestra was made up of a darabooka drum, made of a -wooden cylinder over which is stretched a parchment; the tar, a sort -of tambourine; the kemengeh, a viol of two strings with a cocoanut -sounding-body; the kanoon, a stringed instrument held on the knees and -played with the fingers; the ’ood, a guitar with seven double strings; -and the nay, a reed flute blown at the end. The music produced is most -unspeakably unspiritual and nasally noisome. It outranks the obligato -serenade of a love-sick tom-cat. The melody is old as the Libyan hills. -Is this what Mark Antony heard when he fell for Cleopatra? If so, what a -fall there was, my countrymen! - -Here I bade adieu to the country which has all that was, is and ever -will be. Good-bye, Egypt! Land of faro-banks and Pharaoh mummies—of -backsheesh, bad smells, sphinx and blase globe-trotters! Paradise of palm -trees, pyramids and postcard-venders! Desert domain of donkeys, dirt and -dervishes—of tombs, temples, turbaned thieves and veiled vampires! Home -of camel, crocodile, can-can and Cleopatra! Farewell, till we meet again! - - * * * * * - -Even cultivated girls sometimes grow wild. - - - - -_Pasture Pot Pourri_ - - -Motto For Married Men - -Be sure you are right and then keep still about it. - - * * * * * - -_I don’t like girls that bob their hair, use rouge or powder, wear short -skirts or roll their socks._ - -_I haven’t got a girl, either._ - - * * * * * - - -Knock-kneed Blues - - There’s only one thing I can’t understan’, - How a bowlegged woman loves a knockkneed man. - - * * * * * - - -Little Cowlet O’ Mine - - _I have a little calf,_ - _(The kind that eats the hay)_ - _It gets its ate_ - _La tete a tete_ - _Through the milky way._ - - * * * * * - -Every right-minded woman is cheered by the thought of having pretty -undies on—even if nobody sees them. - - * * * * * - -_In the battle-scarred words of the cave-man: “I want my wine weak and -my women strong.”_ - - * * * * * - - -The Height of Economy - -To eat your meals in front of a looking glass and think you are having -twice as much. - - * * * * * - -_If a corset cover covers a corset, what does a corset cover?_ - - * * * * * - - -Harness Shop Ad - -_“Our buckles won’t hurt you.”_ - - * * * * * - -Our Robbinsdale bootlegger refused to sell me absinthe because he said it -is against the law. - - * * * * * - -_Hello, there, old fellow, where’d you get the new hat?_ - -_Oh, my wife didn’t expect me home until twelve last night and I got in -a little earlier._ - - * * * * * - - -Bow and Arrow Bull - - QUIVERS ran up and down her spine, - When his STRING of bull he’d throw; - For she was an ARROW minded kid - And he was her loving BOW. - - * * * * * - -In the immortal telegram of Ikey Goldstein: “Twins arrived; mine died.” - - * * * * * - -Hall Caine’s description of women: - -“Women are like sheep’s broth. If there’s a head and a heart in them -they’re good, and if there isn’t you might as well be supping hot water.” - - * * * * * - - -I’m So Weak I Nearly Faint - -Says the pail to the milk, “You look awfully pale.” - -Says the milk to the pail, “If you’d gone through what I have, you’d be -pale, too!” - - * * * * * - -Our idea of nothing is a bung hole without a barrel. - - * * * * * - - Mamma’s in heaven, - Papa’s in jail, - Sister’s on Broadway, - Earning papa’s bail. - - * * * * * - - -Paddy’s New Boots - -These shoes are too tight. Be jabbers, oi’ll have to wear them a couple -of times before oi can get thim on. - - * * * * * - -Let us now sing the old familiar ballad, “When a goat is right behind you -it’s no time to lace your shoe.” - - * * * * * - - -Another Clean Joke - -_A handkerchief and a sock, by chance met in a tub at the laundry._ - -_“How did you get in here?” asked the sock._ - -_“Oh, I was blown in,” replied the handkerchief._ - -_“I was scent,” said the sock._ - - * * * * * - -“I’ve got to hand it to you,” quavered the citizen as he passed over his -pocketbook to the hold-up man. - - * * * * * - - -The Discovery of America - -Columbus was walking down the main street of Spain one day when he saw -Queen Elizabeth riding along in her new Henry super four. - -He called to her, saying, “Howd’y Bella.” She said, “Hello, Colum, hop -in.” They were on pretty intimate terms, at the time, and there was quite -a bit of scandal going around concerning them. - -After a little Columbus said, “Say, Bella, I believe if I had a couple -of schooners I could sail over and discover America.” She answered, “All -right, Colum.” - -Soon after, Columbus sailed away and sailed for years and years. One day -one of his men hurried below and in an excited voice said, “Columbus, I -see land.” - -On landing, they found the Indians all lined up and down the shore -waiting for them. Columbus stepped ahead and said, “Hello, is this the -United States?” “Yes,” said the chief, “we got your cablegram and have -been waiting here to be discovered.” Whereupon Columbus erected a post -and put up a brass tablet giving date of discovery, etc. - -After that, he moved to Ohio, and anyone passing can see Columbus in Ohio. - - * * * * * - - -Recruit, Boys! - -She—Did you get a commission in the army? - -Private—No, I just got a straight salary. - - - - -_Movie Hot Stuff_ - - -Clara Smith Hamon, now Mrs. John Gorman, is no longer in possession -of her $2,500 automobile. The car was recently attached for payments -overdue. Her picture “Fate” was given its final death blow as a money -producer when the Arbuckle affair roused the censorship broil anew. - - * * * * * - -Because his old friend Claire Windsor met Charlie Chaplin at the depot -in Los Angeles on his recent return from Europe, the newspapers hinted -a new romance. However, Whiz Bang’s astute investigators did not go to -the depot, but upon taking a chance peek into Charlie’s drawing room, -discovered among a very few close friends, little May Collins and her -mama. - -Evidently the little Collins-Chaplin romance is still on. Pretty foxie, -Charlie! - - * * * * * - -Married men out west are having an awful time. You know the cleverest -hold-up men and crooks in the U. S. A. beat it for California every fall -to keep abreast to the tourist wealth which goes west as well. These -desperadoes often take an auto of an evening, drive into the suburban -towns or near the lonely stretches of Pacific beach, and hold up loving -couples who are spooning in autos along the roadside. Now, you see if you -happen to be married and are out with the pretty steno or an extra girl, -and you are held up, relieved of diamonds, watches and money, you can’t -very well report it to the police, can you? Reporters have an annoying -way of getting news from police chiefs and, regardless of your rage -against thugs and hold-up men, you surmise it would be better to swallow -your loss. - - * * * * * - -Domestic note—Alice Brady, who in private life is Mrs. Thomas Crane, -has retired from stage and screen, it is said, in anticipation of an -interesting family event. - - * * * * * - -From “location” to a “one night stand” in the county jail was the recent -plight of Texas Guinan, film beauty and former musical comedy favorite. -Approximately fifteen hours the movie star basked in the bastile, and all -on account of an unpaid old grocery bill. - -The turnkeys are glad she is out. They are willing she reign on Broadways -if she will keep herself out of prison row. The tank heroes shaved -themselves as never before, donned Sunday neckties and bartered keepsakes -for standing room back of the great steel doorway where they might -perchance catch a glimpse of Texas. However, they were disappointed, for -Texas was temperamental and made no appearance in the downstairs “prison -drawing room.” Nosegays and noes arrived, but Texas announced from her -“dressing room” that she never “received” before noon. According to -rumors, Mrs. Peete and Madalynne Obenchain displayed real professional -jealousy. - - * * * * * - - -Lost - -By James Whitcomb Riley. - - ’Twas a summer ago, when he left me here, - A summer of smiles with never a tear, - Till I said to him, with a sob: my dear, - Good-by, my lover, good-by! - - For I love him, oh! as the stars love night! - And my cheeks for him flushed red and white - When first he called me his heart’s delight. - Good-by, my lover, good-by! - - The touch of his hand was a thing divine, - As he sat with me in the soft moonshine, - And drank of love as men drink wine. - Good-by, my lover, good-by! - - And never a night as I knelt in prayer, - In a gown as white as our own souls wear, - But in fancy he came and kissed me there: - Good-by, my lover, good-by! - - But now, God! what an empty place - My whole heart is! Of the old embrace - And the kiss I loved there lives no trace: - Good-by, my lover, good-by! - - He sailed not over the stormy sea, - And he went not down in the waves—not he; - But, oh! he is lost, for he married me: - Good-by, my lover, good-by! - - * * * * * - - -How to Get the Dough - -The oil field filosopher reports the following: - -My father got rich selling tickets at the moving picture show. When a man -came up to buy a ticket he would throw down a two dollar bill or a five. -Father would blow his breath in his face and say, “How many?” The man -would say, “Oh, never mind, keep the change.” - - * * * * * - -Just because you’re a ham, you needn’t think you’re Swift. That’s all the -jokes I know, but there Armour. - - * * * * * - - -Wet Times Ahead - -Steamer Captain—Save yourself! The vessel is going down. Here, sir (to -indifferent passenger), what are you passing that hat for in a situation -like this? - -Passenger—I’m just providing a sinking fund for our widows and orphans, -captain. - - * * * * * - - -He’d Tested Her - -“I’ve got the fastest typist in the city.” - -“Well, that’s the only complaint I have against mine.” - - * * * * * - -Some marriages make one wonder why a man should want to keep a cow when -free milk is running down the gutter. A ladle costs less than a cradle. - - * * * * * - - -The Tramp’s Plea - -“Good mornin’ this evenin’, how do you do tomorrow?” - -“Got any good drinking water?” - -“Would you mind giving a poor man a drink of liquor?” - -“I’m so hungry, I ain’t got nowhere to stay all night?” - - * * * * * - -“Dat may all be,” reckons Raspin’ Rastus, when told that the Good Book -says the lion and lamb lie down together, “But ah cain’t fin’ no place -where it says dat lamb eber got up.” - - * * * * * - - -Let This Be Your Philosophy of Life - -“Act as if the destiny of the universe depended on your acts.” - - * * * * * - -My girl is so pretty that whenever she boards a street car, the -advertising is a total loss. - - * * * * * - - -Our History Lesson - -During the Middle Ages rich men condemned to death would hire substitutes -to die in their places. Many poor people made a living in such manner. - - * * * * * - -_Say, dear, how’d you like to open my pay envelope?_ - - * * * * * - - -Puff Me Up, Kid - - She’s the kippiest kid, - Hair of gold, baby eyes - And a wonderful figure. - Oh boy, how she can love. - Many times a day - I caress her cheek, - Her mouth her nose. - She jealously guards me. - I live where wise men - Fear to peep. - I’m some guy, I am, - Yea brother, - I’m some powder puff. - - * * * * * - - -Hard Boiled Muggsy - -A mission worker on the lower East Side, New York, was telling the story -of Adam and Eve to a group of tough kids. When he was through, one boy -asked Hard-boiled Muggsy what it was all about. - -“I’ll tell yer,” said Muggsy, “there was a guy and a ‘broad’ in a garden. -They ‘snitched’ an apple; a snake ‘peached’ on ’em, and God said tuhel -with ’em.” - - * * * * * - - -Smackum Smackaday - - Someday—I’m going to take— - Somebody— - Somewhere—where there isn’t anybody—and— - Somehow—I’m going to give her a sweet kiss— - Something—she wants—and then— - Sometime—later—she’ll find— - Someway—to get me away—some— - Summer—day—to get— - Somemore—of the same thing. - - - - -_Classified Ads_ - - -A Serious Accident - -(From Zanesville Times-Recorder) - -Miss Mayite Collins has sued John L. Nelson at Columbus for $5,000.00 -damages as the result of an accident on the bathing-beach toboggan at -Buckeye Lake last July. Miss Collins says she picked up a splinter while -sliding down the toboggan, severely wounding her dignity. - - * * * * * - - -A Soft Job - -(From Omaha Bee) - -More ladies wanted for decorating pillows at home. Experience -unnecessary. - - * * * * * - - -Our Agony Column - -(From the London Post) - -T. B. (Maiden Lane)—Very many thanks—and more power to your elbow. Best -wishes to Madame and “her wicked sister.” - - * * * * * - - -Suppose He Comes Home? - -(From the Nashville Tennessean.) - -Account husband traveling and being uneasy at nights will rent one or -two rooms to congenial gentlemen at moderate rate in modern brick home; -easy walking distance. Apply in person, 1506 McGavock. - - * * * * * - - -The Corset Revue - -(From the Jersey Journal.) - -WANTED—Stout model and perfect medium figure for corset promenade for -three evenings. Apply at once, 162 Monticello Ave. - - * * * * * - -A fool friend can wield a hammer as effectively as a bitter enemy. - - * * * * * - - -Everybody’s Winner - -An old colored mammy whose husband had just successfully sued for divorce -came slowly down the court-house steps, talking to herself: “Dar ain’t -no justice in dis heah wo’ld. Dat useless ol’ husband of mine he got his -divorce, he got de house, got de money, got mah free chil’en and dey -ain’t none of ’em his’n.” - - * * * * * - - -Blank Verse - - I held her in my arms. - “Do you believe - In free love?” - I asked. - “No!” she replied - Indignantly, - “But ... umm - Kiss me again!” - - I like - The way fellows - Speak of - MY woman - MY girl.... - Such is - The conceit - Of man! - - * * * * * - -Perhaps Luther was right when he said that God is a piece of white paper -upon which every man draws a picture of his own face. - - * * * * * - - -Atchew! - -Lotta—“What gave George that awful cold?” - -Bull—“I don’t know, but I saw him out on the lawn with a mighty thin girl -last night.” - - * * * * * - - -If She Squeaks, Oil Her - -(From Our Navy) - -“The rifle is the marine’s best friend,” he said. “He must never neglect -it. He must treat it as he treats his wife and wipe it over with an oily -rag twice a day.” - - * * * * * - - -Shall We Forgive Her? - -A dainty little blonde miss of twenty-two stepped into a phone booth. She -drew forth from a small trunk (called a vanity case) a nickel. She placed -the nickel in the slot with the softest, white and well kept hands that -anyone has seen. She took up the receiver and with a soft sweet voice of -a great singer spoke the number to the operator. She waited and waited -and waited and waited, first on one foot and then on the other. She had -waited an awful long time. All of a sudden she banged the receiver down -and hissed between her lovely, pearly teeth, a well sounded “Damn it.” - - * * * * * - -The fellow who asks a girl for a kiss doesn’t stand half a chance with -the live wire who kisses a girl first and then asks her how she likes it. - - * * * * * - - -Liberal Wife - -Wife (to attractive husband)—“Have you kissed the new cook yet, William?” - -Husband—“Why—er—no.” - -Wife—“Well, stupid, what are you waiting for? You know what a hard time -we had to get her.” - - * * * * * - -People who live in rag houses shouldn’t throw bones. - - * * * * * - - -Honesty, the Cheap Policy - -Hear John West got two years for stealing a horse? - -Yes, serves him right. Why didn’t he buy it and not pay? - - * * * * * - -Preacher—Don’t you know it’s wrong to put worms on that hook and insert -it in a fish? - -Johnnie—These aren’t worms, but that’s what the other suckers thought. - - * * * * * - -The strength of a kiss is generally measured by its length.—Byron. - - * * * * * - - -All Some Have to Tell - -“Why is it,” asks the exchange man of The Arkansas Gazette, “that a man -rarely grows too old or too religious to get a thrill out of telling what -a devil he was in his youth?” - - * * * * * - -Man proposes, woman supposes, marriage composes and divorce exposes. - - * * * * * - - -That Waltz - -BY THE GEORGIA CRACKER - -As the music began, the lights grew soft and dim. I watched the couples -as they passed like phantoms in the darkness. - -Then I saw her, dancing with some wretched novice who could scarcely keep -on his feet. How lovely and how wretched she looked. - -“Kathleen!” I exclaimed, half aloud, and advanced. - -“May I break?” I asked, and took her into my arms. - -Her dancing—how can I describe it? She moved like some sprite—sure-footed -languorous, as light as a summer cloud. - -Drawing her to me, I suited my steps to the slow, yearning melody of -the waltz. As we glided in the semi-darkness, oblivious of the passing -couples she pressed her glowing cheek to mine and breathed quickly. - -“Oh”— - -“Sweetheart, why cannot I hold you like this forever? I feel that you are -a part of my very soul!” - -“Hold me—oh, hold me tight!” - -“I have lived always for this moment. Dearest, you are the only girl in -the whole world—you _are_ the whole world”— - -And there, our eyes closed in ecstasy, I kissed her. - -“I love you! The universe was made for the rapture of this moment. The -stars have shone in vain for ages that they might light your eyes now! -All time has been but a prelude to this second! Say you love me! Just say -it!” - -“Oh, Jimmy, you know I do!” - -“Why, Kathleen, this isn’t Jimmy!” I cried. - -“And this isn’t Kathleen,” replied the stranger. - - - - -_Our Rural Mail Box_ - - -=_Jack Tar_=—Tell her that it was a balloon. - - * * * * * - -=_Ima Frade_=—If you are gun-shy, go with a soldier, then you’ll soon get -used to having arms around you. - - * * * * * - -=_Fumey Gait_=—A bully game of cards would be Pedro. - - * * * * * - -=_Gracie_=—The mere fact that the tears run down the back of a cross-eyed -person does not indicate they have bacteria. - - * * * * * - -=_Dora Knobs_=—A cigarette and a bottle of beer are sure to make a -delightful breakfast for a lady of careless morals after a night of -arduous cavorting. - - * * * * * - -=_Tooth Ache Kid_=—When suffering from a violent toothache in the hollow -of a tooth, fill the cavity with whisky and hold there thirty seconds -with your head cocked to one side. Swallow whisky and refill cavity. -Repeat this treatment a few hundred times and if it doesn’t give relief, -try wood alcohol instead. - - * * * * * - -=_Brother Eagle_=—When suffering from exhaustion, the patient should be -put in a cool shady wine room. A Scotch and soda in a tall thin glass -with plenty of ice may be given at intervals, and should a tickling ensue -give patient pink sporting page and turn on phonograph. Continue this -treatment until patient kicks phonograph into the alley. This is what is -known as the negative test and is proof of patient’s recovery. - - * * * * * - -=_Ab. Doman_=—Yes, married men make the best husbands. - - * * * * * - -=_Kauph E. Keuler_=—If you can’t drink coffee out of a saucer without -scalding your nose, use a bowl. - - * * * * * - -=_Herr Nett_=—When you make a present to a woman, always leave the cost -tag on it; it will save her a trip downtown. - - * * * * * - -=_All Readers_=—I would like to know whether a zebra is a white animal -with black stripes or a black animal with white stripes.—=_Captain -Billy._= - - * * * * * - - -Pee-Ess - -_Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow your bootlegger may get caught._ - - - - -Whiz Bang City, Oklahoma - - -[Illustration] - -Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang is the first magazine to have a “city” named -after it. - -The thriving little oil town of Oklahoma has been christened Whiz Bang -City. The picture shown on this page is by courtesy of Vince Dillon, -photographer of Fairfax, Okla. Upon close examination, “kind readers” -note that all of the buildings are new and that a truck standing in -front of the garage bears the sign Nitroglycerine. However, there is no -connection between nitroglycerine and the Whiz Bang. It is true that we -have an explosion, but ours is harmless, and used to blow out the spleen -of the American human instead of Mother Earth. - -Well, anyway, folk, here’s wishing many happy days to Whiz Bang City and -its live citizens. - - - - -_Our Winter Annual_ - - -In addition to republication of gems of earlier issues of Captain Billy’s -Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter Annual of this great family journal -contains a large variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingles, pot pourri -stories and smokehouse poetry. This book, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22, -contains four times as much reading matter as the regular issue of the -Whiz Bang and sells for one dollar per copy. It is a book which will -be cherished by the readers for years to come, and holds the greatest -collection of red-blooded poetry yet put in print. Included in the list -are: - - Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor, The - Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), The Girl - in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” Advice - to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy Queen, Stunning Percy - LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s Ladies, Toledo Slim. - -Orders are now being received and will be mailed in the order in which -they are received. Tear off the attached blank and mail to us today with -your check, money order or stamps. - - Whiz Bang, - Robbinsdale, Minnesota - - Gentlemen: - - Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps for $1.00 - for which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.” - - Name.............................................. - - Address........................................... - - - - -_Everywhere!_ - - -_Whiz Bang_ is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents -single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the -publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year. - -One dollar for the WINTER ANNUAL. - -[Illustration] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. -29, January, 1922, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, JAN 1922 *** - -***** This file should be named 62279-0.txt or 62279-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/2/2/7/62279/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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