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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a3535f7 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #62558 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/62558) diff --git a/old/62558-0.txt b/old/62558-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 4627da6..0000000 --- a/old/62558-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2841 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 31, -March, 1922, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 31, March, 1922 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: July 4, 2020 [EBook #62558] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, MARCH 1922 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - -Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. III. No. 31, March, 1922 - - - - -_They’re Going Fast!_ - - -Whiz Bang’s greatest book—The Winter Annual Pedigreed Follies of -1921-22—hot off the press. Orders are now being mailed. There will be no -delay as long as the supply lasts. If your news stand’s quota is sold out— - -PIN A DOLLAR BILL - - Or your check, money order or stamps - To the coupon on the back page. - -And receive our 256-page bound volume of jokes, jests, jingles, stories, -pot pourri, mail bag and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever put -in print. - -REMEMBER, FOLK - -Last year our Annual (which was only one fourth as large as the 1921-22 -book) was sold out on the Pacific Coast within three or four days, and -not a copy could be bought =anywhere= in the United States within ten -days. - -So hurry up! First Come will be First Served! - -Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to the Whiz Bang Farm, -Robbinsdale, Minn. - -Don’t write for early back copies of our regular issue. - -We haven’t any left. - - - - - _Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang_ - - [Illustration] - - _America’s Magazine of - Wit, Humor and - Filosophy_ - - MARCH, 1922 Vol. III. No. 31 - - Published Monthly - W. H. Fawcett, - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota - - Entered as second-class matter May 1, 1920, at the postoffice - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the Act of March 3. 1879. - - Price 25 cents $2.50 per year - ONE DOLLAR FOR THE WINTER ANNUAL - - Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any - part permitted when properly credited to Capt. Billy’s Whiz - Bang. - - “We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is loyalty to - the American people.”—Theodore Roosevelt. - - Copyright 1922 - By W. H. Fawcett - - Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang employs no solicitors. Subscriptions - may be received only at authorized news stands or by direct - mail to Robbinsdale. We join in no clubbing offers, nor do we - give premiums. Two-fifty a year in advance. - - Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and dedicated to the - fighting forces of the United States - - - - -_Drippings From the Fawcett_ - - -Three weeks of Havana’s cliquot, bacardi, cervesa, horse races, jai alai, -casino, and the rattly-bang-bang, of garbage cans, piercing shrieks of -peddlers, not to mention rip-snorting roaring and exhausted automobiles, -have had their exhilarating effects on the usual hum drum existence that -has been my part of living on a quiet Minnesota farm. The contrast is -pleasant although somewhat tiresome. There’s been too much excitement for -the little old editor of this family journal of travel. - -Sometime in the dim and distant past I was told that the most difficult -feature in writing was to transcribe the first paragraph. My hardest -job here is to stay away from the Scotch and soda long enough to even -think what the first paragraph will look like. However, with the able -assistance of my good old pals, the Haig brothers, I am at last seated by -a rickety old dining room table in an apartment overlooking the Malecon, -Morro Castle and the Gulf of Mexico. - -Confucius once said: “It is not the wine that makes a man drunk—it is the -man himself.” This filosophy applies to Cuba today. I have seen more -“saloons” in Havana and fewer intoxicated persons than in any city in -the United States, both before and since the adoption of the prohibition -amendment. - -The easy manner in which we Americans can get borie-eyed drunk on a few -shots of moonshine reminds of the Wag Jag ditty about - - _DeGulick McBlue, psychological stew,_ - _Could always get tight on one small shot or two—_ - _Far from proving his worldliness, toughness and such._ - _It all went to show that he couldn’t stand much._ - -In Havana it is forbidden by law to kiss your wife on the gang-plank, in -a taxi or other public place. The usual fine for violation is $25. - -Spooning custom here is quite different, too. In Cuba every residential -window is protected by iron bars similar to our jails. It is through -these barriers that lovers must cuddle and coo—at least until he becomes -so nervous and tired from continual standing that he pops the question. I -know it would be rather tough on some of our Minnesota farmhands if the -farmers should adopt a custom similar to Cuba. - - * * * * * - -The first thing I learned in Havana was that the Cubans do not like -the Whiz Bang’s traveling correspondent, Rev. “Golightly” Morrill. Mr. -Morrill’s name is anathema to the average native, due undoubtedly to the -fact that our reverend friend rarely deals out his views of life with -kid gloves. He sees the world from the standpoint of the betterment of -humanity and in seeking to attain his end, strikes out in two-fisted -manner. - -In republishing a recent Morrill article from this magazine, a Havana -publication takes this rap at our correspondent: - - The Rev. “Golightly” Morrill is still tramping around the world - seeking muck in which to wallow. After his experience in the - West Indies and Central America it was not to be supposed that - he would find anything very bad to write about, but it seems - that he has discovered familiar iniquities on the beaches of - California. - - * * * * * - -We chanced into a gringo barroom towards the close of one evening, lured -by broken melodies of the brass rail gang. Through the bedlam we could -catch swinging tunes of: - - _I’ll never get drunk any more, I’ll never get drunk any more,_ - _I’ll never enter a barroom door, I’ll never get drunk any more._ - _I wish I had taken my mother’s advice, and married a nice little - wife,_ - _And settled down in the old home town, to lead an honest life._ - _My father gave me a fortune, I placed it all in my trunk,_ - _But I lost it all a-gambling, one night while I was drunk._ - _I’ll never get drunk any more._ - -And this one: - - _Wifie says you’re crazy, you’re drunk, you’re blind and can’t see,_ - _That’s nothing but a cabbage head the grocer gave to me._ - _Now ten thousand miles I’ve traveled, with ten thousand more to go,_ - _But whiskers on a cabbage head I never saw before._ - - * * * * * - -Ever since the death of our good neighbor, Cyrus Hopkins, his lonely -widow has made a conscientious study of spiritualism. The other morning -Mrs. Hopkins visited a Minneapolis medium in the hopes she might -communicate with her late husband. The connection soon was made and the -following conversation took place: - -“Is this you, Cyrus?” - -“Yes, dear.” - -“Are you happy?” - -“Yes, dear.” - -“Happier than when you were with me?” - -“Yes, dear.” - -“Ain’t heaven just grand?” - -“I don’t know, dear. I’m in hell.” - - * * * * * - -How, Kind and Forbearing Readers of this great encyclopedia of Psychic -Research, better known as The Whiz Bang, pause a moment while Ye Ed -relates how Sir Harry Lauder indirectly caused me much embarrassment. - -While lunching at the Friars’ Club on my last visit to New York City, -I was cordially invited to a big reception at the Hotel Commodore in -honor of Sir Harry Lauder, famous Scottish comedian. The momentous -night arrived and I donned by “Sunday-go-to-meeting” clothes for the -great event. Please try to imagine my chagrin and sheepishness when -friends who had called to escort me, very courteously and, I might add, -diplomatically informed me that “it was to be a full dress affair.” How -in heck could a horny-handed tiller of the soil be expected to possess a -dress suit? After thanking my kind auditors in as gracious a manner as -possible, I suggested that probably Sir Harry might consider overalls -more appropriate for me. Anyway I did not attend the reception. Next day -my Friar friends told me about it and I was happily regaled with Scottish -humor. The chairman, they said, graciously introduced Lauder as his -“closest friend.” Will these jokes on Sir Harry’s thrift never cease? - - * * * * * - -During recent pilgrimages that carried me east, west, north and south, -I ran across many amusing, although sometimes embarrassing situations. -Chief among them was the constantly manifested surprise of newly-found -friends that there was actually such a personage, in flesh and blood, as -Captain Bilious Billy. - -Here is a fair list of the questions usually dished out by new -acquaintances: - -“Why, I supposed the Whiz Bang was only ‘kidding’ and that ‘Captain -Billy’ was merely a book name.” - -“And do you really drink that horrid moonshine?” - -“Did you have a hired man named Gus?” - -“Is Pedro your honest-to-goodness pedigreed bull?” - -“Is there actually a town named Robbinsdale?” - -“Did a honeymooning couple really leave their automobile seat with you -when they went to the village constable to report the theft of their car?” - -It was necessary to plead guilty to nearly all the allegations heaped on -me. Of course, poor Pedro is no more, he having “kicked the bucket” last -July, and Gus, too, has sorta back-slid. Gus always was an in-and-outer -anyway. - - * * * * * - -Gus, my old time hired man, has busted into poetry again. The old boy -must be getting a whiff of the pine forests about Breezy Point Lodge. -Well, here you go, Gus,—we’ll publish this one: - - _I am only a poor old wanderer;_ - _I have no place to call my home;_ - _No one to pity me, no one to cheer me,_ - _As friendless and sadly I roam._ - - _It is tramp, tramp along though I’m weary;_ - _To rest through the long, long day;_ - _Through the rain and the snow I must tramp to and fro,_ - _For it’s the poor tramp’s way._ - - _How I long for a place by the fireside,_ - _When the night it is cold, chill and damp;_ - _Vacant places I see, but there’s no room for me,_ - _For I’m only a poor old tramp._ - - * * * * * - -The Ornery Pups - -A traveler in the Tennessee mountains sought refuge one evening at a -wayside cabin. - -He had traveled all one chill, April day and was cold, hungry and -footsore. With true mountain hospitality the old mountaineer invited him -to supper, and insisted that he spend the night. - -The host made him comfortable before a huge open fireplace, and set -a jug of mountain dew beside his chair. Also introduced him to his -eighteen-year-old daughter, who was the only other occupant of the cabin, -unless we may include four lank hounds stretched before the fireplace. - -The old man hastened out to look after his chores and the girl busied -herself in the kitchen. - -The cabin was typical of the region, having two rooms, one containing a -bed and two chairs, and the other serving as kitchen and dining room. - -The traveler, left to himself, took three or four heavy shots of the -moonshine and soon forgot his weariness and the chill of the April day. -He divested himself of his shoes, settled himself with a sigh of content, -and steamed his sopping feet in the glow of the fire. - -Shortly one of the hounds raised his head, languidly, and sniffed -suspiciously. - -He scrambled to his feet, howled mournfully and dived beneath the bed, -the others following him as if they had gone crazy. A piteous whining -and snarling issued from under the bed for several minutes, and the -traveler became alarmed. The dogs must be mad. - -He arose and opened the door, and the dogs shot from under the bed, and -through the open door. Each departed, howling as if St. Nick was after -him. - -It was puzzling to say the least. - -The comely daughter entered the room shortly, and the traveler addressed -her as follows: - -“What is the matter with those dogs?” he inquired. - -“I dunno,” she replied, “Lessem one uv ’em brung somepin dead indoors. -Dad allus kicks hell out’en the whole passell uv them when they do thet.” - - * * * * * - -The Young Gringo - -_Havana’s tropical sunshine, coupled with a few jolts of “Ron Bacardi -Superior,” hath driven ye old cap’n to lyrical lines of lisping lingo. -So I sit me down on my cane bottom chair with pencil stub in hand to -transcribe that famous Cholo rhyme, “The Young Gringo.” The poem has -to do with the proper actions of Americans in Cuba, and other tropical -countries._ - - The first you must learn is to listen, not speak, - For the one thing we hate is a youngster with cheek, - Shut up from the first; be attentive and meek - When you’re next to a hardened old gringo. - - And now, from the start, don’t mistakenly think, - That to be a good sport you must gamble and drink, - And play the darn fool: to rise up—not sink— - Is the motto of every right gringo. - - But, if you do gamble and never can win, - Don’t damn at the dice-box, and kick up a din, - But keep your tongue silent, and switch on a grin, - And pay up your debts like a gringo. - - Don’t think that love’s river continually flows; - But just take a tip from a fellow who knows, - And pay for the water for washing your clothes— - It’s cheaper all round for the gringo. - - Yet, when you have read this, you don’t think I’m right, - And, in spite of the caution, your love-thoughts take flight, - Then take my advice, son; wed something that’s white! - It’s best in the end for a gringo. - - If you happen to take a fair damsel to dine, - Don’t squander your money to put up a shine, - But order her beer (though she may ask for wine), - Or you’ll sure be a fool of a gringo. - - Now, if you must drink, my advice to begin - Is to stick to a whisky and soda ... or gin; - And never forget that the bottle must win, - For it’s never been beat by a gringo. - - So don’t go on thinking your inside’s a sieve; - And now there’s a piece of advice I would give: - If you ain’t good, be careful!... and then you may live - To get your grey hairs as a gringo. - - Be slow to offend, and reluctant to blame; - Be quick to forgive; and treat all men the same— - You must hold a Straight Flush in life’s little game - To be worthy the name of a gringo. - - * * * * * - -’Sa Nice Day, Haintit? - -A stuttering man walked up to a boy who had a parrot in a cage and said, -“Ca—ca—can tha—tha—that parrot talk?” - -“Well,” replied the boy, “if he couldn’t talk better than you I’d kill -him.” - - * * * * * - -This Sounds Like Bull - -A visitor who was stopping at a hotel was much disturbed by the snoring -of one of his friends sleeping in an adjoining room. Suddenly the snore -ceased and death-like stillness oppressed the listener. Thinking that -something had happened to his friend, he went into his room, and found -him sitting up in bed. The friend said, “I was sleeping with my mouth -open, and I think I have swallowed a mouse.” - -The hotel doctor was sent for, who adopted the novel expedient of calling -in the services of the hotel cat, and placed a piece of toasted cheese -some little distance from the patient’s mouth, thinking that the mouse, -smelling the cheese, would come out to eat it and would fall a prey to -the cat. While the remedy was working, the doctor went downstairs to get -a drink, and the patient fell asleep and resumed his snoring. - -When the doctor returned the cat was missing. - - * * * * * - -Pat’s Hole - -Pat was hard at work digging a post-hole, when the boss strolled by. -“Well, Pat,” said he, noting the progress of the work, “do you think you -will be able to get all that dirt back into the hole again?” - -Pat looked doubtfully at the pile of dirt, and after some thought, said: -“No, sor. Sure, I don’t think I’ve dug the hole deep enough.” - - - - -_Mirrors of Life and Love_ - -BY PRINCESS BIBESCO - -Daughter of Margot Asquith - - -LOVE—“Isn’t that what love means, to fill ordinary, commonplace -conventional things with magic and significance, not to need the moon -and white scent-heavy flowers at night? * * * You talk about love. What -a strange, restricted growth it is with you. You don’t know what the -real thing means, you who think passion is bad taste because you are not -tempted, you to whom the physical side is a degrading extra.” * * * When -he was with her now he stammered. He didn’t know that a stammer is the -divine eloquence of love. - -PASSION—Passion is no respecter of persons. She hardly seems to select -her victims. How many a would-be Juliet waits in vain for those consuming -fires her heart is longing for, while they blaze in the reluctant hearts -of Mr. Adrian Roses, who only ask to be left in peace, far from the -ridiculous and, thank God, equally far from the sublime. Are men in love -like this: - -“She was the first person he had ever loved. He had trembled when he -touched her. His spasms of passion had been like spasms of pain, his face -contorted and his voice rough, and then there had followed intervals of -wretched shyness. When he had thought of possessing her he had become a -saint waiting for a divine manifestation.” - -MARRIAGE—“We just are hopelessly unsuited to each other. Do you seriously -think that you want a wife like me?” * * * “Marriage will modify you.” * -* * “Marriage might modify me if I married the right man. Marriage to you -would bring out everything you hate.” * * * “Helena, do you realize that -I love you?” “You don’t know what love means.” * * * “Of course I don’t. -If I did I might want to marry you.” - -PROTEST AGAINST REALISM—“What is it one yearns for? It is to be able to -do a thing for the first time again. And that is impossible. When I love, -what do I want? I want never to have kissed, never to have given myself -before. It is in vain, I say—‘Never before was I awake—I was a dummy in -the hands of fate—now I am alive.’ I was shut up perhaps, but my outer -petals were touched. Oh, my God, make me again the child I was—but He -cannot answer.” - -DISILLUSIONMENT—What are we to tell our children? How are they to know -that the first accidental encounter with life may take from them a -treasure they will only learn about in forty storm-tossed years? Those -first gifts—those shy blossomings lovely in their unconsciousness—are -surely but the squandering of something half alive, the foolish murder -of a bud. Oh, youth is a wicked, cruel thing, eating miracles with its -breakfast and not knowing they are not porridge. - -WHAT A WOMAN WANTS—“I don’t want anything except to be wanted. I long for -you to make ceaseless, impossible demands on me.” - -THE GOAL OF HUMAN ACHIEVEMENT—“All my life I have been teased for asking -not, ‘Is she beautiful?’ ‘Is she clever?’ but always ‘Is she happy?’ -I think it is in many ways the most interesting thing about a person. -* * * Happiness is a light, an atmosphere, an illumination. It sets a -personality. I always feel it is a creation that is difficult for some -and easy for others, but essentially an achievement, never an accident.” - - * * * * * - -Our Exchange - -Henpecked and haggard husband asked the butcher: “What kind of meat have -you this morning?” - -“Some steak as tender as a woman’s heart,” said the butcher. - -“I’ll take sausage,” said the customer. - - * * * * * - -Unrequited Love - -By Walter Scott Haskell. - -In the place first, I want it understood that I am a California cousin to -a doughboy’s cootie. - -When first I clapped my binnacle lights on the robust form of Susanna, -I knew that she was my meat, vulgarly speaking. I loved her very -avoirdupois, and that was going some, as she was no light article. I took -her gauge one evening as we sat in the parlor and I snuggled up to her -in a most friendly fashion. My advances were met with cold resentment. -She did not say a word, but she jammed my head against her corset in a -manner that bespoke her an amazon of no mean physical power. I thought -my spinal column was broken; but when she let go, I breathed a sigh of -relief and was contented to just look at her and nurse my sprained parts. -I decided to use diplomacy, and waited until she had taken herself to -the arbor hammock in the garden to indulge in an afternoon siesta. I -watched around, and when I saw her eyelids droop and close, her breast -heave in regular breathing as one asleep, I made my way to her side and -bent over her fair face. How my mouth watered for a bite of her, but -I almost feared that she would wake and lam me in the jaw. Temptation -was too strong, however, and in an evil moment I turned my attention to -her roll-down stocking that showed a goodly proportion of her nether -parts. With a kind of subdued clicking of my jaws, I put my lips to her -bare knee and experienced the joy of a stolen kiss. It may have been a -disgraceful act, anyway the tickle of my touch awoke her, and she kicked -unmercifully, like a cow that will not be milked. I ducked and escaped -death, with a mouthful of her blood, the best that I had ever had, for -she was my meat, and I am a California flea. - - * * * * * - -A summer night and a maid and a man has frequently caused an early fall! - - * * * * * - -Kablegram Love - -She was a pretty and ambitious girl and had studied the matrimonial -problem to a nicety. - -“Yes, I suppose I shall wed eventually,” she said, “but the only kind -of masculine nuisance that will suit me must be tall and dark, with -classical features. He must be brave, yet gentle. Withal he must be -strong—a lion among men, but a knight among ladies.” - -That even a bow-legged, lath-framed youth, wearing checked trousers and -smoking a cigarette that smelt worse than a burning boot, rattled on the -back door and the girl knocked four tumblers and a cut glass fruit dish -off the sideboard in her haste to get to him. - - * * * * * - -The New Nursery - - _Dickering, dickering, Doc,_ - _With patients lined up a block,_ - _With fits and conniptions_ - _They wait for prescriptions:_ - _“Liquor me, liquor me, Doc.”_ - - —_A. J. S._ - - * * * * * - -Long, Long Ago - -We like the story from Ralph Neville’s “Mayfair and Montmartre,” of -the little chorus lady who, when her rich admirer had bought her some -charming underclothing, said to him in the shop as they were being -packed: “Now have a good look at them, for you’ll never see them again.” - -This, of course, occurred in the long, long ago Victorian days. - - * * * * * - -Zup, Kid? - -While in Jacksonville I chanced into a Greek restaurant and of the waiter -inquired what they had for dinner. - - Small Stack Medyum - Rust Baff - Hom on Eggs - Chicken Frazee - Appolis Pie - Pach Pie - Strubberry Pie - Grap Frut - Zup, Kid? - - * * * * * - -A normal woman would joyously go through life with a pirate or yeggman -who would drug her with the opiate of flattery, in preference to hooking -onto a nincompoop tango lizard who refreshes her with eternal, infernal, -divinal criticism. - - * * * * * - -Consolation Kiddoo - -“If I die,” said the sick man gloomily, “what will become of you and the -children?” - -“Oh, don’t worry, darling,” replied the little woman. “I’ll soon find -somebody to take care of us.” - - * * * * * - -No Offense Here, Paddy - -An Irishman while on his way to call upon his best girl suddenly caught -sight of a beautiful parrot in a nearby tree. - -He decided it would be just the present for her. Slowly he drew near the -bird and upon reaching one of the highest branches, was just about to -grab his prey when the parrot, who had been eyeing him sharply, suddenly -squawked, “Well, what do you want?” - -Pat withdrew his hand and humbly made answer, “Excuse me. Er—I thought -you was a bird.” - - * * * * * - -Let’s sing it again: - - “And when they asked her why the ’el she wore it, - Oh, she wore it for her lover who was far, far away.” - Now for the chorus: - “Far away, far away, oh, she wore it, etc.” - - * * * * * - -Hot Stuff - -They arrived home late from the party. Wife took off her hat and slammed -it on the floor. Then she confronted her hubby. - -“I’ll never take you to another party as long as I live!” she said. - -“Why?” he calmly wanted to know. - -“You asked Mrs. Jones how her husband has been standing the heat.” - -“Well?” - -“Well, her husband has been dead two months.” - - * * * * * - -Our Puzzle Department - -Father and son were licking up moonshine. - -“Father,” asked the son, “how am I to know when I’m drunk?” - -The old man pointed across the street. “When those two men over there -look like four,” he responded. - -“But father,” interrupted the son, “I see only one man there.” - - * * * * * - -Let This One Sink In - -Lion Tamer—“Step into the cage with the lion, Rastus, and let the -photographer focus you.” - -Rastus—“He’d better focus me before ah goes in there, boss, for he ain’t -gwine hab no time to focus me when ah comes out.” - - * * * * * - -Actors are the bunk. I heard one in Minneapolis knocking St. Paul and I -applauded him, and I saw the same actor in St. Paul knocking Minneapolis -and I gave him the razzberry. - - * * * * * - -Our Spring Thriller - -“I’ve got you at last,” he cried, “move if you dare, move! It’s taken me -many years, but at last I’ve got you where I want you! Now I dare you to -move!” - -“Yep, you’re right,” replied his friend, “it’s the first game of checkers -you ever did win from me.” - - - - -_Questions and Answers_ - - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—If your pedigreed bull is a thoroughbred, why not -have him registered?—=_Simon Simple._= - -No use to register him; he couldn’t vote anyway. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—My wife is getting too strenuous. The other day -she broke a plate over my head. What would you advise me to do?—=_Nyce -Boise._= - -You might try cast iron plates. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Bill_=—Please define love?—=_Amorous Annabelle._= - -Love is the psychology of youth; the subtle sympathy that blends the -world into a thing of joy and pleasure unrestrained. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Bill_=—Is “The Eternal Triangle” a play or a book?—=_Innocent -Imogene._= - -It’s a heart-throbbing and soul-stirring play, Imogene, in which all -humans have at some time or other enacted a leading part—Adam and Eve -excepted. In fact I feel certain that neither Adam or Eve ever “Cribbed” -in the University of Paradise with its rapturous courses of enchantment. -There’s a reason. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Skipper_=—What epidemics were suffered by United States troops -during the World War?—=_Si Frever._= - -Spanish influenza and American Shavetails. Both were rather annoying at -times, as any doughboy will tell you. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Farmer Bill_=—Being as how you are a tiller of the soil, I suppose -you’re familiar with the “Black Eye Susan?”—=_Nick Nack._= - -No, Nick, I never met the lady, but I know the gentlemen who gave it to -her. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Bill_=—Is there very much difference in women as a whole?—=_King -Young._= - -They’re all alike, young man, except they’ve got different names. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Skipper_=—What is meant by “The Port of Missing Men?”—=_Berry M. -Deep._= - -Ladies’ night in a Turkish bath. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Skipper_=—Who are the leading Turkish rulers?—=_Jack Sellers._= - -Pasha Hat, Mustapha Beer and Esaad Enuf. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is your best definition of a -diplomat?—=_Phillis Fullabunk._= - -A diplomat, Phillis, is a man who, when he gets home late, sneaks into -bed backwards so that if his wife awakes he can tell her he is just -getting up. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—Will you please tell me who invented apple -sauce?—=_Anna Nyas._= - -William Tell. He shot the apple off his son’s head and they all had apple -sauce for supper. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Bill_=—Don’t you think a woman is everything in the -world?—=_Tiddledewinks._= - -Yes, indeed—everything I can think of. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is the easiest way to drive a nail without -smashing my fingers?—=_Ab Doman._= - -Hold the hammer in both hands. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Whiz Bang Bill_=—What is your idea of the height of -absentmindedness?—=_Lou Z. Lizzie._= - -The professor who woke up at daylight and found a fair lady beside him, -much to his astonishment, having forgotten that he had married the night -before. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—Can you give me a good remedy for toothache?—=_Holey -G. Macknaw._= - -Fill the mouth with cold water and sit on a hot stove till the water -boils. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is good to keep hair in?—=_Baldy Bozo._= - -A cigar box. - - * * * * * - -Preacher—Take up the collection before I start preaching. - -Why? - -Preacher—Because I’m going to preach on thrift. - - * * * * * - -Sunday School Teacher—“Percy, what must we do before our sins can be -forgiven?” - -Percy—“Sin.” - - * * * * * - -Proudie! Proudie! - -A well-known actor was introduced to a chap who didn’t strike him -particularly because he was prejudiced against men who talk in soprano -voices. The next time they met he ignored the fellow entirely. A few days -later he ran across the fellow again, but his face was still frozen. - -The fourth meeting occurred in a cafe, and he of the soprano voice -waltzed up to the disgusted actor’s table. - -“Do you know,” he said, “we have met three times and you weally haven’t -noticed me?” Then with a sibilant lisp in a high C that nobody in the -cafe could miss, he gave the actor three little dabs on the shoulder and -squeaked, “Proudie! Proudie! Proudie!” - - * * * * * - -Parlor Story - -One day an inspector of a New York tenement house found four families -living in one room, chalk lines having been drawn in such a manner as to -mark out a quarter for each family. - -“How do you get along here?” inquired the inspector. - -“Very well,” was the reply. “Only the man in the farthest corner keeps -boarders.” - - * * * * * - -Some kind-hearted man of money moves the motion that Manhattan’s mackerel -munching macaroons be deported to Waikiki Beach to indulge in the popular -Hawaiian pastime of poi-eating. - - * * * * * - -Another Nut Story - -“Mine is a sad case, Lady,” said the solemn visaged inmate of the asylum -to the visitor. - -“My parents fed me Gripe nuts; made me sleep up in the garret among the -rats, in a ‘buggy’ bed and beneath a crazy quilt. My only pet was a -squirrel, and my only toys, the wheels from a cuckoo clock.” - -And striking a Napoleonic attitude, he strode out in search of Josephine. - - * * * * * - -Oh, Doc Crafts! - -Some people are so dry that talking to them is like chewing a blotter. - - * * * * * - -This Ain’t Very Hot - -The Meanest Man bought his bride a nickel’s worth of candy as a wedding -present, then took her on a trolley ride honeymoon. - -After they got off the car he said, “Let’s save some of that candy for -the children.” - - * * * * * - -Lampoon’s Stuff - -He got on at Park and sat in the last car. - -She got on at Park and sat in the last car. - -When he went over the bridge he smiled. She laughed aloud. At Kendall she -crossed her legs. He crossed his fingers. At Central he had her phone -number. She had his watch. When they reached Harvard he offered to take -her home. He kissed on the front porch. Then he went back to Ridgely -Annex and cut one more notch in his shoe trees. - -“I guess it’s my personality,” he thought as he tumbled into bed. - -“I guess it’s my smile,” she thought as she tumbled into bed. - - * * * * * - -Fido, Quit Your Pekin - -“Marie is so modest she puts her pet dog out of the room while she is -changing her gown!” - -“The idea!” - -“Well—it’s a Pekingese.” - - * * * * * - -There are two classes of people: those who sit and think, and those who -sit. - - * * * * * - -The Crap Shooter’s Wedding - -Preacher—Rastus, do yo’ take dis here woman for better or for worse? - -Rastus (from habit)—Pahson, Ah shoots de works! - - * * * * * - -The Program - - I pressed thy round, full mouth to mine own - In ecstacy. - I drew the fragrant perfume of thee - Into me. - My trembling hand about thy slender neck. - With a curse: for I knew - That thou wast empty, little pint bottle. - - * * * * * - -Knockem On the Kiss - -_He—Do you like indoor sports?_ - -_She—Yes, if they go home early._ - - * * * * * - -“Will you please insert this obituary notice?” asked an old gentleman of -Pedigreed Bull Smith of the Minneapolis Journal. “I make bold to ask it -because the deceased had a great many friends about here who’d be glad to -hear of his death.” - - * * * * * - -Irish Pot Pourri - -_As the old saying goes—you’ll find no Chinese laundries where the River -Shannon flows._ - - * * * * * - -If everything we did in life was printed on our foreheads there would not -be so many reformers out in the daytime. - - * * * * * - -The Fireless Telephone - -In Hades: “Hell-o!” - -In Heaven: “Hal-o!” - - * * * * * - -“Were you ever pinched for going too fast?” - -“No, but I’ve been slapped.” - - * * * * * - - _“Mary, Mary, slightly airy,_ - _How do the fashions go?”_ - _“Piled up hair and shoulders bare_ - _And vertebrae all in a row.”_ - - * * * * * - -“Sir,” writes a correspondent, “When I was in Butte I dropped my meal -ticket on the floor and one of those miners with hob-nailed shoes stepped -on it and punched out a week’s board.” - - * * * * * - -Sandy Lost His Ball - -Sandy McDugal was a great golf enthusiast. In many months he never missed -a morning. Then the inevitable happened—Sandy was absent. His fellow -golfers, worried lest Sandy be ill, sought him out. - -They found the old Highlander in apparently good health. Sandy refused to -explain his absence from the course until after vigorous questioning. - -“Weel,” drawled Sandy unwillingly, “if ye must know, I lost me ball.” - - * * * * * - -There are two things that I can’t understand. A locoed cow and a -love-sick man. - - * * * * * - -This Can’t Be True - -A traveling man had missed his train and went back to his home. He took -his pass keys out of his pocket, opened the door, and to his great -surprise his wife was sitting on his best friend’s lap, and kissing him. - -“Smith, I’ve set a trap for you and caught you,” shouted the irate -husband. - -Smith replied, “With bait like this, you can catch me any time!” - - * * * * * - -On Picket Duty - -“That was a striking gown your girl wore last night.” - -“Yes; that was her union suit.” - - * * * * * - -When Mrs. Murphy saw her husband hanging in the stable she said, “so -that’s where my clothes line went!” - - * * * * * - -A Thing of Beauty is an expense forever. - - * * * * * - -Where Words Failed - -The new guard was not familiar with a certain railway run in Wales. Came -a station which rejoiced in the name of Llanfairfeshanpwllgogerych. For -a few minutes he stood looking at the sign board in mute helplessness. -Then, pointing to the board and waving his other arm toward the -carriages, he called, “If there’s anybody there for here, this is -it.”—Western Christian Advocate. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Harper’s Special - -A Darky and his brown sweetheart, followed by three pickaninnies, applied -to the clerk of a Southern court house for a license to wed. - -The clerk eyed the assemblage doubtfully. “Whose children are these?” he -asked. - -“Dey our’n,” was the ready response from the man. - -The clerk was scandalized, being new at his post. “You ought to be -ashamed of yourselves, waiting to get married till you have a family half -grown—” - -“Jedge, you’ll have to excuse dat,” interrupted the “bride,” sweetly. “De -roads out our way is so bad!” - - * * * * * - -It’s a New One On Us - -Elizabeth—Say, daddie, what is that thing under your nose? - -Daddie—Why! That’s my mustache. Why do you ask? - -Elizabeth—I just wondered what you called it. Mamma’s got one of them -things under her arm. - - * * * * * - -Dot’s Right - -Cohen—Ikey, what for you go up dem shtairs two at a time? - -Ikey—To safe my shoes, fader. - -Cohen—Dot’s right, my son; but look out you don’t shplit your pandts. - - * * * * * - -Not First Class - -The late Peter Cooper Hewitt, millionaire inventor of New York, had a -very intimate knowledge of high society in the world’s capitals. - -Mr. Cooper Hewitt, discussing the English professional beauties of the -’80’s, said one day: - -“A famous, or rather a notorious professional beauty, visited -Constantinople. Her charms worked havoc among the Turkish nobility. The -sultan himself was smitten. - -“At a dinner party on her return, King Edward, then the Prince of Wales, -questioned her about her Turkish conquests. - -“‘You made a great hit with the sultan, I believe?’ he said. - -“‘The sultan,’ she answered with enthusiasm, ‘is a dear. He conferred -this decoration on me.’ - -“And she displayed a jeweled emblem which glistened on her white bosom -royally. - -“‘It’s the order of virtue,’ she explained, and then, lowering her eyes, -she added—‘of the second class.’” - - * * * * * - -Did you ever sit in the parlor with your best girl and hold each other’s -hands ’til they got all “perspiry” and then let go and rub off and get a -fresh hold again? - - * * * * * - -_When I die I want to be cremated so I can carry my remains around in my -vest pocket._ - - - - -_Whiz Bang Editorials_ - -_“The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet.”_ - - -Recently there came to our notice a booklet containing what purports -to be a sermon delivered by one Bob Shuler, pastor of the Trinity -Methodist Church, Los Angeles, bearing on its cover the statement that -it is “published in pamphlet form because of the utter impossibility of -securing the publication of such a discussion through any Los Angeles -daily newspaper.” - -Taking for his text, “The Movie Industry vs. The Public,” Rev. Shuler -devotes approximately four thousand words to what seems first a -conviction and then a trial of the only screen star ever charged with a -felony. He says: - -“That he was directly and absolutely responsible for her death, I am -certain.” - -The worthy pastor then proceeds with the admission that “the attitude -of the movie luminaries toward the marriage relation; their continuous -‘souse’ in divorce and scandal; their quarter of a century of screened -sex appeal; * * * the evident looseness that has sprung up among them; -their booze parties; their cigarette smoking beauties; their behavior -as reported by scores who live neighbor to their studios; * * * all has -forced me against my will and over my protest to believe that a majority -of the movie crowd are of the same stripe * * *.” - -Having already found him guilty, Dr. Shuler then asks whether this actor -is a fair, fit sample of a type, and promptly answers his question by -saying: - -“I think you will have no trouble in recognizing that he is a most -splendid example of a type, a most certain sample, of a variety of folk -who have decided to be the independent authors of their own standards of -morality or immorality, without regard to or respect for the public.” - -On the same day there was brought to us a copy of a daily newspaper -containing about four thousand words under the heading, “In Loving Memory -of Harry S. Duffield,” being a transcript of an eulogy delivered a few -weeks ago by James Neill at the bier of his brother-actor and lifelong -friend, from which we quote: - -“In all these years I never heard from these dead lips one irreverent -oath. His thoughts were white and his speech was clean. By nature he -was devotional. He believed in church attendance and private prayer, -and in the constant reference of daily concerns to Divine guidance. His -reputation for gentle judgment of his fellows was well known. Save to -report good of his fellowman, he spoke not at all. * * * So good-bye -forever, dear Harry Duffield, our best beloved, and may the dear, gentle -God be very tender with you and give you everlasting peace and rest.” - -What power is theirs to soften pain, to educate, to instruct, when sent -on some constructive mission. - -And what a world of destruction they can accomplish when their author’s -purpose is to gain notoriety through misrepresentation, to besmirch clean -men and women by fastening to a majority the alleged shortcomings of a -few, and to entirely disregard the command of our Creator, “Judge not -that ye be not judged.” - - * * * * * - -The Difference - -Marshal Petain, before he married, was once delivering some pretty frank -invective against marriage in the presence of some friends. He ended by -saying nearly all married couples led a cat-and-dog life. “But, look -here,” said one friend, “that’s an absurdly sweeping statement. Besides, -cats and dogs don’t always quarrel. Look at those two on your hearth -at this moment. They get on well together.” Petain smiled. “Tie them -together and watch,” he said. - - * * * * * - -Judge—Are you guilty? - -Prisoner—I haven’t heard the evidence yet. - - - - -_A Dish of Pot Pourri_ - - -Put on your muzzle, father, here comes the dog catcher. - - * * * * * - -Salesmanship - -A man was hit by an automobile in front of the Whiz Bang News Stand at -Sixth Street and Hennepin Avenue, Minneapolis, the other day. He arose -rather dazed and ventured “Where am I?” - -“Here you are, sir,” replied the book seller, “a map of Minneapolis for -ten cents.” - - * * * * * - -_Doctors ought to get wise to themselves and hire some cabaret singers to -entertain their prescription hounds in the waiting rooms._ - - * * * * * - -Mighty Obliging - -_Kiss me cute, kiss me cunning; kiss me quick, my daddy’s coming._ - - * * * * * - -Brother, ah’s tough; ah’s so tough mah shadow won’t walk down the street -with me, an’ when ah gargles mah throat ah has to use carbolic acid an’ -boilin’ water to even feel it. - - * * * * * - -_You must sleep well, you lie so easy._ - - * * * * * - -Beg Your Pardon - -Our hired man Pete informs us that it wasn’t a six-foot tank of solid -concrete that he dove into, as announced in our last issue, but that it -was a six-foot tank filled with tapioca pudding instead. - - * * * * * - -I’ve heard of a lot of absent-minded guys, but the one who scratched his -hot cake and poured the syrup down his neck beats ’em all—What say? - - * * * * * - -Whiz Bang’s Monthly Motto - -_Never look a blind pig in the eye._ - - * * * * * - -Peroxide Blues - -He—You were a red head last night. - -She—Now I’m a black head. - -He—I’ll have to squeeze you. - - * * * * * - -We know a certain “reformer” in Santa Ana who could make a fortune if he -would sell his pictures for puzzles. - - * * * * * - -A Little Cotton Tale - -“Really, I seldom cross my feet in a street car.” - -“I hardly ever wear silk ones either.” - - * * * * * - -Heard in a Beanery - -Waiter—“One stew for a bum! He has his own bread!” - - * * * * * - -Our Monthly Special - -Ashes to ashes, sand to sand; please show me a butcher that won’t weigh -his hand. - - * * * * * - -_I know a man who refuses to shave until he gets a drink of good liquor. -He is now tripping on his beard._ - - * * * * * - -Were you ever at sea? - -No, madam, I came over from Ireland in a wagon. - -How could you cross the ocean in a wagon? - -Why, my good woman, I rowed over. - - * * * * * - -They All Do That - -I am wild, wild with glee; because I kissed my sweetheart, and she -slapped me—That convinced me that she loved me. - - * * * * * - -Question - - _Woman thinks that man is rude_ - _If he stares at skirt to knee,_ - _But, lady, do you wear it short_ - _Just for other girls to see?_ - - * * * * * - -My girl’s name is Niagara. She falls for anybody. - - * * * * * - -The Villain - -_They shot him with limburger cheese and then killed him for smelling -bad._ - - * * * * * - -He—My father has a rabbit tattooed on his arm. - -She—That’s nothing. My father has hares all over his chest. - - * * * * * - -Memories of the Depot Man - - Down on a depot platform, - Bathed in the bleak wintry breeze, - Shy long ago of its contents, - With nothing inside it to freeze; - Shy long ago of its contents, - Drained of its last amber dreg, - Bungless and beerless and friendless, - Stands an empty eight gallon keg. - - * * * * * - -She—You married me for love and got it. - -Old Foggie—You married me for money and got it. - -She—I’ll tell the world I earned it. - - * * * * * - -Truck Driver to Barber - -Don’t put any of that powder on my face, see! What ya tink I am, a sissie? - - * * * * * - -A fashion magazine reminds us that one way to get away from the city -Bustle is to move to the Outskirts. - - * * * * * - -A Home Run - -While swimming someone stole his clothes, so he painted a number on his -B. V. D.’s and ran home like a track man. - - * * * * * - -Line Up For Mess, Boys - - Cora, Cora, I adore you, - And for home I hate to start, - But the beans are ready, Cora, - And the best of friends must part. - - - - -_Confessions of a Bride_ - - -_A Daily Newspaper Raving_ - -“Call up a steeple-jack today and get him to paint the flag pole on the -garage,” said Warren as he finished his sixth helping of ham and eggs, -and folded the morning paper preparatory to leaving for the office. “Why, -Warren,” Helen exclaimed, “I can do the job as well as a steeple-jack, -and the money saved can be used to buy a new worm for our still; the old -one is almost worn out.” - -Since Warren’s salary had been reduced from $3,000 to $2,984 a month -Helen had watched every dollar, and the thought of paying a man 50 or 75 -cents to paint the flag pole caused big tears to form in her eyes and -run down her cheeks into the platter of fried mock turtle, which was her -favorite breakfast dish. - -“There, there, little wife, don’t cry,” pleaded Warren, placing an arm -on her shoulder and gently kicking her back of the right ear, “We’ll say -no more about the matter today, but if I hear of you trying to climb -that flag pole I’ll cave in half a dozen of your ribs” and flinging her -a kiss he dashed blithely out of the house and hailing a passing whisky -runner’s car, was soon out of sight on his way to work. - -Helen busied herself around the house and tried to keep her mind off of -the painting job. Since they had dispensed with the services of three -maids and there was no one to assist her with the house work except -Bridget, the Japanese house girl, there was much for her to do. Getting -Baby Winifred ready for school was the biggest task, and this morning the -little girl was more unruly than ever. Only by giving her a large glass -of potato whisky mixed with snuff, of which the child was intensely fond -could Helen induce her to stop breaking the cut glass decanters on the -sideboard, and allow herself to be dressed. - -Making out the order for the butcher shop occupied three hours, and when -that was done it was time for her music lesson, for Helen never allowed -anything to interfere with her musical education, and at ten o’clock she -seated herself at the Victrola and under the skillful tutelage of her -teacher she was soon able to play the overture from “Lily of the Alley.” - -From eleven until two was spent in eating a light lunch, and then -Jacquiline Olson dropped in to complain about Mabel, Helen’s pet cobra, -biting her little boy. The Olson woman was always distasteful to Helen -and when she requested that the snake be kept tied up during the summer -months, Helen arose majestically and with a deft uppercut knocked her -over three chairs into the wood-box, where she lay moaning feebly and -offered no resistance when Helen carried her over to the window and -dropped her with a crash into the alley. - -Most women would have considered their day wrecked after such an -incident, but Helen, after draining a dipperful of hemlock wine, -dismissed the affair from her mind and started to repair one of the -dining room chairs she had broken in a friendly argument with Warren the -evening before. After several futile attempts to make the glue stick she -gave it up as a bad job and flung the chair in the bath tub where she was -certain Warren would not see it for months. Then the telephone rang and -a deep bass voice informed her that Baby Winifred had been arrested for -throwing rocks at the statue of Benedict Arnold in front of the city hall. - -“Well, there’s nothing I can do till Warren comes home,” said Helen as -she hung up the receiver and went out in the back yard to dig a hole to -bury the neighbor’s bull dog which Pussy Purr-mew had just dragged in -the house. “I wish the dear thing wouldn’t bring home all the dogs she -kills,” sighed Helen, “but I suppose she wants to show me what a good -fighter she is.” - -After burying the dog, Helen went back to the house and picking up the -latest issue of Naughty Stories, soon was so interested that she did not -hear the voices of the men at the front door when they brought Warren -home from the office, drunk, and dumped him on the front porch, where he -lay until she stumbled over him an hour later. - -By this time Warren was sober enough to eat supper, which he did in a -silence only broken when he inhaled the soup and drank his coffee. - -“Why don’t you talk to me?” Helen demanded toward the end of the meal. -“Don’t sit there like a dummy and never say a word. Men are such brutes!” -And throwing herself behind the kitchen stove she wept bitterly. - - * * * * * - -Too Fast! - -The Victor Dog sat on a talking machine and the record ran so fast, that -the dog’s head caught up with his tail, and he didn’t have room to pass -“His Master’s Voice.” - - * * * * * - - _Olaf had a little dog,_ - _’Twas free from fleas and sins;_ - _One day it squeezed right through the fence,_ - _And barked—its little shins._ - - —_Shakespeare._ - - * * * * * - -Sweet Dada - -My girl’s ears are so large that if you were to look at her from the back -you would swear she was a loving cup. - - * * * * * - -As thou hast made thy bed, why lie about it? - - - - -_Smokehouse Poetry_ - - -_In the April issue Smokehouse Poetry fans will be treated to an old -classic, “Absolution,” by Nesbit._ - - _“But the Priest’s duty bade him seek her out_ - _And say, ‘My child, why dost thou sit apart?_ - _Hast thou some grief? Hast thou some secret doubt?_ - _Come and unfold to me thine inmost heart.’”_ * * * - - _And as the dim east brightened, slowly ceased_ - _The wild devotion that had filled the priest—_ - _And with full sunlight he sprang up—a man!_ * * * - - _“Oh, lips so quiet, eyes that will not see!_ - _Oh, clinging hands that not again will cling!_ - _This last poor sin may well be pardoned thee,_ - _Since for the right’s sake thou hast done this thing.”_ * * * - - * * * * * - -Night After Night - - Night after night the cards were fairly shuffled - And fairly dealt, but still I got no hand. - The morning came, but I with mind unruffled - Did simply say, “I do not understand.” - - Life is a game of whist; from unseen sources - The cards are shuffled and the hands are dealt. - Vain are our efforts to control the forces - Which though unseen are no less strongly felt. - - * * * * * - -The Kid’s Last Fight - - Us two was pals, the Kid and me; - ’Twould cut no ice if some gayzee, - As tough as hell jumped either one, - We’d both light in and hand him some. - - Both of a size, the Kid and me, - We tipped the scales at thirty-three; - And when we’d spar ’twas give and take, - I wouldn’t slug for any stake. - - One day we worked out at the gym, - Some swell guy hangin’ round called “Slim,” - Watched us and got stuck on the Kid, - Then signed him up, that’s what he did. - - This guy called “Slim” he owned a string - Of lightweights, welters, everything; - He took the Kid out on the road, - And where they went none of us knowed. - - I guessed the Kid had changed his name, - And fightin’ best ones in the game, - I used to dream of him at night, - No letters came—he couldn’t write. - - In just about two months or three - I signed up with Bucktooth McGee, - He got me matched with Denver Brown, - I finished him in half a round. - - Next month I fought with Brooklyn Mike, - As tough a boy who hit the pike; - Then Frisco Jim and Battlin’ Ben, - And knocked them all inside of ten. - - I took ’em all and won each bout, - None of them birds could put me out; - The sportin’ writers watched me slug, - Then all the papers run my mug. - - “He’d rather fight than eat,” they said, - “He’s got the punch, he’ll knock ’em dead.” - There’s only one I hadn’t met, - That guy they called “The Yorkshire Pet.” - - He’d cleaned ’em all around in France, - No one in England stood a chance; - And I was champ in U. S. A., - And knocked ’em cuckoo every day. - - Now all McGee and me could think, - Was how we’d like to cross the drink, - And knock this bucko for a row, - And grab a wagon load of dough. - - At last Mac got me matched all right, - Five thousand smackers for the fight; - Then me and him packed up our grip, - And went to grab that championship. - - I done some trainin’ and the night - Set for the battle, sure was right; - The crowd was wild, for this here bout - Was set to last till one was out. - - The mob went crazy when the Pet - Came in, I’d never seen him yet; - And then I climbed up through the ropes, - All full of fight and full of hopes. - - The crowd gave me an awful yell, - (’Twas even money at the bell) - They stamped their feet and shook the place; - The Pet turned ’round, I saw his face! - - My guts went sick, that’s what they did, - For Holy Gee, it was the Kid! - We just had time for one good shake, - We meant it too, it wasn’t fake. - - Whang! went the bell, the fight was on. - I clinched until the round was gone, - A beggin’ that he’d let me take - The fall for him—he wouldn’t fake. - - Hell, no, the Kid was on the square, - And said we had to fight it fair, - The crowd had bet their dough on us— - We had to fight (the honest cuss). - - The referee was yellin’ “break,” - The crowd was sore and howlin’ “fake,” - They’d paid their dough to see a scrap, - And so far we’d not hit a tap. - - The second round we both begin, - I caught a fast one on my chin; - And stood like I was in a doze, - Until I got one on the nose. - - I started landin’ body blows, - He hooked another on my nose, - That riled my fightin’ blood like hell, - And we was sluggin’ at the bell. - - The next round started, from the go, - The millin’ we did wasn’t slow, - I landed hard on him, and then, - He took the count right up to ten. - - He took the limit on one knee, - —A chance to get his wind you see; - At ten he jumped up like a flash - And on my jaw he hung a smash. - - I’m fightin’ too there, toe to toe, - And hittin’ harder, blow for blow, - I damn soon knowed he couldn’t stay, - He rolled his eyes—you know the way. - - The way he staggered made me sick, - I stalled, McGee yelled “cop him quick!” - The crowd was wise and yellin’ “fake,” - They’d seen the chance I wouldn’t take. - - That mob kept tellin’ me to land, - And callin’ things I couldn’t stand; - I stepped in close and smashed his chin, - The Kid fell hard, he was all in. - - I carried him into his chair, - And tried to bring him to for fair, - I rubbed his wrists, done everything, - —A doctor climbed into the ring. - - And I was scared as I could be, - The Kid was starin’ and can’t see; - The doctor turned and shook his head, - I looked again—the Kid was dead! - - * * * * * - -_Just because you own an Ingersoll watch is no indication you’re a -horological expert._ - - * * * * * - -The Rolling Stone - - The reason I never can quit the road - Is a reason that’s plain and clear; - It’s because no matter where I may stop - And whether it’s far or near, - There is a place beyond the place I am - Wherever I may be at, - And then beyond is a place beyond, - And the world beyond all that. - - And as long as a man has eyes to see - And a brain that wants to know, - I figure there are things he’s bound to miss - If he doesn’t go on and go. - For there’s always a place beyond that place - I happen to hand my hat; - And another place beyond that place - And the world beyond all that. - - * * * * * - -_“Did you hear the one about the mouse-trap?”_ - -_“No.”_ - -_“Well, it’s snappy.”_ - - * * * * * - -A fool and his honey are soon mated. - - * * * * * - -_“I’m glad my affairs are rounded into good shape,” said the pretty young -thing as she pulled on her stockings._ - - * * * * * - -You Can’t Tamper - -Heard about the classy new neckwear for trainmen? They say these railroad -ties are quite the rage. - - * * * * * - -_“Is she a very modest girl?”_ - -_“Very—she won’t even look at the weather strip on the house!”_ - - * * * * * - -Slobbering Blues - -“Let me kiss those tears away!” he begged tenderly. - -She fell in his arms, and he was busy for the next few moments. And yet -the tears flowed on. - -“Can nothing stop them?” he asked, breathlessly sad. - -“No,” she murmured; “it is hay fever, you know. But go on with the -treatment.” - - * * * * * - -Encore Ha Ha - -Mr. Jones had recently become the father of twins. The minister stopped -him in the street to congratulate him. - -“Well, Jones, I hear that the Lord has smiled on you,” he said. - -“Smiled on me!” repeated Jones. “He laughed out loud at me.” - - * * * * * - -A Colorado Egg - -While a Denver physician was inspecting the insane hospital at Pueblo an -inmate approached him and asked: “I beg your pardon, sir, but have you a -piece of toast?” “No,” replied the doctor, in surprise, “but I can get a -piece if you want it badly.” “Oh, I wish you would. I’m a poached egg and -I want to sit down.” - - * * * * * - -Jockey thrown in first race at New Orleans: - -“Let Zybszko ride him.” - - * * * * * - -A Startling Exegesis - -At a colored camp meeting in Louisiana the following sermon was delivered -by a very black old darky, wearing huge spectacles: - -“Brethren and Sistren, de preachifying dis mawnin’ will be from de text -on de 10 virgins. De bridegroom war a-coming and ’spectin’ dem 10 virgins -to be ready wif dere lamps all trimmed and a-burnin’, but, lo, when he -was come he done foun’ dat on’y five of dem virgins war ready; yessir, -five was trimmed and five was ontrimmed; five was wise and five was -onwise; five was ready and five was onready; five was male and five was -female.”—Harper’s Magazine. - - * * * * * - -Must Be Dr. Cupid - -“I don’t like your heart action,” said the doctor, applying his -stethoscope. - -“You’ve had some trouble with angina pectoris, haven’t you?” - -“You’re partly right, Doc,” answered the young man, sheepishly. “Only -that ain’t her name.”—Pathfinder. - - * * * * * - -Roll ’Em Out Kid - -When I was farmin’ in North Dakota I raised spuds an’ one day I went out -to see how my spuds was comin’. The patch was right on a side hill. Well, -sir, do you know that when I pulled up that vine two bushels of spuds -rolled out of that hill before I could plug up the hole. - - * * * * * - -The Piping Costs - -The colored minister had just concluded a powerful sermon on “Salvation -is Free” and was announcing that a collection would be taken. Up -jumped a brother in the back of the church. “If salvation is free,” he -interrupted, “what’s the use paying for it? I’m going to give you nothing -till I find out. Now—” - -“Patience, brother, patience,” said the parson. “I’ll illustrate. Suppose -you were thirsty and came to a river. You could kneel right down and -drink, couldn’t you? And it would cost you nothing, would it?” - -“Of course not. That’s just what I—” - -“That water would be free,” continued the parson. “But supposing you were -to have that water piped to your house, you would have to pay, would you -not?” - -“Yes, sir, but—” - -“Well, brother, salvation is free, but it is the having it piped to you -that you got to pay for. Pass the hat, sexton.” - - * * * * * - -It was rather quiet at the postoffice the other day and outside of the -Whiz Bang mail our genial postmaster, Bud Nasset, sorted out only two -letters. The first one was addressed to Deacon Miller from his son, -reading as follows: “Dear Father—I am in jail. Son.” The Deacon’s answer -was the other letter, “Dear Son—So am I. Father.” - - - - -_Chinese Nightmare Cities_ - -BY REV. “GOLIGHTLY” MORRILL - -Pastor People’s Church, Minneapolis, Minn. - - -All aboard for China, the country of Confucius and chop suey! At Canton a -wonderful spectacle took place at the wharf. A sampan man had beaten his -wife and thrown her on the dock where she sat and chanted in a monotonous -voice while a hundred coolies gathered round and watched the interesting -ceremony. She referred to her husband and his ancestors, then scraped up -a little pile of dirt, spat on it, molded it into the image of a man, -addressed it with a few words, suddenly knelt and foully insulted it, and -so eased her conscience, balanced the books of honor and “saved her face.” - -From the Hotel Victoria in the Shameen, or Foreign Quarter, two -cadaverous coolies carried me in a coffin-shaped sedan chair across a -stinking canal into native Canton. My guide, Ah Cum, led the way. The -streets were so narrow and the show windows so near that I could have -been a shoplifter with both hands. If hungry, there was a free lunch -counter extending along the streets with tea and rice, live fish, glazed -ducks, gory pigs, a choice assortment of fresh entrails, some dead dogs -and rats, crates of yowling cats, and huge pots of slimy soup thickened -with animal, vegetable and other matter that would make the Witches’ -Cauldron in “Macbeth” look like a cup of consomme in comparison. - -At the Temple of the Five Hundred Genii, where the prayers of the holy -had given way to the harangues of the politicians, I saw a gilded statue -big as life of the first European globe-trotter to China, Marco Polo. -Such a traveler was a novelty then, but now is a nuisance. I went by old -walls whose painted dragons the new Chinese had wiped out; by temples -whose only occupants were a few second-hand gods and bats; took time to -visit the water-clock tower where drops of water instead of grains of -sand mark the time of China’s millions towards the grave; passed through -gates of the old city wall to the hillside where hundreds had been shot; -looked into the graveyard where the poor common people rest after life’s -fitful fever, while the restless rich, who shunned them in life, lie -apart from them in the City of the Dead. - -Like mummies in a museum, they sleep unburied in their rich caskets and -await the grafting geomancer, that oriental undertaker, who promises -the relatives to find some place in the ground undisturbed by the Great -Dragon. By the religious milestone of the five-storied, weedy, seedy -Pagoda, whose oracles are dumb, I headed for the Execution Grounds in the -pottery district where the sharp sword had sent many a man back to his -original clay. - -China is becoming civilized now and stands her criminals up against a -wall and shoots them. Here was a narrow alley lined with earthen pots -covered with mats, under which were fleshless skulls. One of them seemed -to look imploringly at me, and I picked it up. Alas, some poor Chinese -Yorick! I was anxious to see the man who struck the fearful blows, and -Ah Cum called the executioner who came out with a knife estimated to -have cut off 300,000 heads in thirty years. There is a death here by -“seventy-two cuts,” but one from his sword was enough. - -Bayard Taylor said China was a good place to leave, and I was not very -sorry when the whistle blew to cast off and say good-bye to the city of -dreadful sights, sounds, suffering and smells. Leaving the grotesque -outline of an old fort, a little island stained by some dark murder, a -place where pirates had scuttled a ship, a picturesque Pagoda looking -like an eight-story Easter bonnet, Grecian-bend shaped junk-boats and -sampans like big, broken barrels floating along, we sailed down the Pearl -River and at midnight reached the Portuguese town of Macao. On deck we -were surprised to find the officers embracing the coolies. Were they -trying to relieve them of their hard-earned spoils of fan-tan which they -had won during the night? No, the honest officials were only searching -for concealed arms, but found only those which Nature had allowed and -provided. - -An illuminated sign, “First-class Gambling House,” drew my attention. -Gambling, next to loafing and the manufacture of opium, is the principal -occupation of the youngest and oldest inhabitants. Macao is the Oriental -Monte Carlo. Gambling here is backed by the government which gets back a -certain per cent of the earnings which it invests in hospitals, asylums -and cheap lodgings for the people who have been beaten at the game. At -this gambling-hell one could play at the big table downstairs, or drop -into the game by lowering his money in a small basket from the balcony -above. Tired of the game, the player recuperates his wasted energies here -by eating bird-nest soup and shark-fins, or drinking Portuguese wines. If -he is sleepy, he may take the opium-pipe train of thought to the Flowery -Land where every-day is Sunday. - -At a “song-parlor” some Chinese dolls amused us with their squeaky voices -and knife-scraping music. It sadly recalled my visit to a Hongkong -house of pleasure whose almond-eyed inmates illustrated Confucius’ -remark that “women had no souls,” and the Chinese philosophy which -attributes death and evil to Yin, the female principle in Nature. -Their artificially whitened and rouged faces were ghastly, and their -flower-and-jewel-bedecked hair glued down to the skull was anything -but attractive to an Occidental eye. Their lips were red like the -dawn of day, their complexions like congealed ointment, and their -betel-nut-stained teeth like black watermelon seeds. They unfurled -painted fans, sipped tea, nibbled sweetmeats, puffed at opium-pipes, and -looked quite flowery in their blue collars, purple tunics and bright -green trousers. I wonder if the men, whom they were entertaining, -remembered the Chinese proverb, “There is no such poison in the green -snake’s mouth or in the hornet’s sting as in a woman’s heart.” - -After visiting next day a firecracker factory, temples, joss-houses, -and a tobacco plant where little children and old women were at work -sorting the leaves, I was conducted to Macao’s notorious opium factory. I -entered a low-ceiling room where men were stripped to their waists like -blacksmiths at the forge. They picked up the crude opium, shaped like a -cocoanut shell, scooped out the chocolate-looking substance, threw it -into a kind of brass wash-basin under which roared the fire, until it -steamed and blubbered like a pot of hot mush or molasses. They darted -here and there like imps with these pans. Then the liquid was poured in -porcelain boxes of various sizes. The whole place seemed like a Devil’s -smithyshop where chains were being forged for lost souls. The odor was -peculiar and penetrating. I must have absorbed some of the dope, for I -felt dizzy and was glad to get outside in the fresh air. - -There is no more melancholy sight, in China’s teeming nightmare cities, -than a drug-befuddled victim staggering out in the early dawn from some -hasheesh house and tumbling down in the street where he dreams he is in -the Celestial City with his ancestors. When he is rudely awakened by a -hungry rat gnawing his hand or foot, the golden vision vanishes. In the -cold light of the morning, racked with nameless pains, he crawls off to -work at some mean job, hoping to make enough for another night’s opium -dream in which to forget the hell of this tormenting world. - - * * * * * - -Be An “I Can” Giant - - As on through Life’s journey we go, day by day, - There are two whom we meet, at each turn of the way, - To help or to hinder—to bless or to ban, - And the names of these two are “I Can’t” and “I Can!” - - “I Can’t” is a dwarf, a poor, pale, puny imp, - His eyes are half blind and his walk is a limp, - He stumbles and falls, or lies writhing in fits, - And for those who would help him plants snares and digs pits. - - “I Can” is a giant, unbending he stands, - There is strength in his arms, and skill in his hands, - He asks for no favors, he wants but a share - Where labor is honest and wages are fair. - - * * * * * - -“Now, let’s stick together, boys,” said the first of three flies as they -lit on the piece of tanglefoot. - - * * * * * - -An Immediate Saving - -Ikey kicked in the bathroom door and discovered Rebecca dead in the bath -tub. For a moment he gazed horror stricken, then rushed to the head of -the stairs and shouted to the maid, “Mary, Mary!” - -“Yes, sir,” answered the shixa. - -“Only von egg for breakfast dis morning, Mary.” - - * * * * * - -Ad In Theatrical Paper - -Engagement wanted. Small part, such as dead body or outside shouts. - - * * * * * - -Fancy Poetry - -Father got his hand blown off. That was a terrible sin. It could have -been worse if it was the hand that he had his wages in. - - * * * * * - -“Paris is falling,” delicately hinted the maiden, as her escort’s garter -snapped and fell over his shoe-top. - - * * * * * - -“Trash!” exclaimed the president of the Ash Men’s Union, as the secretary -finished reading the reports. - - * * * * * - -Bang! Bang! - -Lady went into a store and asked for a camisole. “What bust?” asked the -salesman. “I didn’t hear anything,” she replied. - - * * * * * - -_Tell the truth and shame the family._ - - * * * * * - -They Shot Spitballs - -A good story is told on our old friend Colonel Luce of the Minnesota -National Guard. Two battalions of the Colonel’s regiment were staging a -sham battle at their summer encampment. - -The defending forces took possession of a small hill overlooking a river -and destroyed the only bridge by the simple method of tacking up a notice -on it stating that they had done so. As a result it was quite a surprise -to them to see the attacking forces swarming across the bridge, making -extraordinary motions in front of them with their hands. - -“Hold on there, men!” shouted the Colonel’s aide from the observer’s -post, “you can’t cross that bridge. It has been blown up.” - -“Tuhel with that!” retorted the Major of the other side, “we’re not -crossing it, can’t you see we are swimming the dang river?” - - * * * * * - -Let’s Now Sing - - I love a lassie, - She’s naughty, but, - She’s classy. - - * * * * * - -The Morning Mail - -When we were in the army we used to read “The Daily Undershirt.” - - * * * * * - -A woman’s beauty is always a liability, although at times considered a -big asset. - - - - -_Classified Ads_ - - -We’ll Take the Solar System - -(From the L. A. Times) - -Personal—Lady 26, quiet, traveled, experienced in business or will assume -domestic work for opportunity in music and art. Prefer aged person -financially able who would appreciate ray of sunshine. Address MP. - - * * * * * - -One “Bier” Makes a Jolly Party - -(Cuba City, Wis., News-Herald) - -An auto load of Benton girls, consisting of the Hunter sisters, Miss -Calvert, Miss Ayer, and another one, attended the funeral Tuesday, and -put in the rest of the time fishing, etc. They had a jolly fine time. - - * * * * * - -Gus is a Good Ex-Farmer - -(From the Peoria Journal) - -Would like acquaintance of good business man or a young farmer, like one -with car, for pastime and results. Address C. A., care Star. - - * * * * * - -It’s Quite Cool Now at Breezy Point - -(Adv. of Chicago Beach Hotel) - -Patrons not wearing bathing suits will find the cafe very comfortable. - - * * * * * - -Has Your Wife Gone to the Country? - -(From the Denver Post) - -Caring neither for life, limb or anything, I will consider any -proposition you may have, regardless of what it may be; must earn money; -do anything; go anywhere; fear nothing; answers confidential. I need -money. Will go the limit to get it. - - * * * * * - -One at a Time - -Years ago when W. A. McConnell was manager of the Brooklyn theater he had -a pet parrot which was kept in the box office. During a “big run” the -ticket seller was wont to say, “Get in line, please; one at a time, one -at a time, gentlemen.” - -The bird escaped one afternoon, and McConnell commissioned some boys to -find it, which they did on an old tree in a nearby park, where several -crows were making its feathers fly. McConnell asked if the bird said -anything and the leader of the boys replied: “Yes, he said, ‘Get in line, -please; one at a time, one at a time, gentlemen.’” - - * * * * * - -We Should Worry - -The porch was dark. The hour was late. The couple sat whispering among -the shadows. - -“Mary,” called a voice, “it’s time for you to come in.” - -No movement. - -“Come in, Mary.” - -Still no movement. - -He asked: “Don’t you mind your mother?” - -“Not unless you do, Jimmy.” - - * * * * * - -Here’s Lookin’ Atchew! - -Boy—“What is a grass widow?” - -Father—“A woman whose husband died with the hay fever.” - - * * * * * - -Something to Worry About - -Among the things you read about but never see is a crease in a fat man’s -trousers. - - * * * * * - -“Along the Road” - - I walked a mile with Pleasure; - She chattered all the way, - But left me none the wiser - For all she had to say. - - I walked a mile with Sorrow - And ne’er a word said she; - But oh, the things I learned from her - When Sorrow walked with me! - - * * * * * - -Broadway’s Leg Lane - -(From New York Times) - -HOMELESS HUSBANDS—If you want a friend, a pal—a WIFE!—look for one like -the Lonely Lady in BEAUTY AND NICK. Such as she is rarely to be found in -this, the age of sex and shekels—surely not in the endless procession of -poppy-painted dames and damsels, young as youth, wrinkled as an O’Shanter -witch; all with skirts so tight as to make them goat-gaited; so short -that these bogus beauties have turned the most beautiful Avenue of the -world into a mere leg lane—a free rival of the sash-clad ladies of a -Broadway burlesque. - - * * * * * - -These Were the Good Old Days - -“Step up, boys! Ladies not allowed! See for yourself. And we all paid the -two bits and saw a jackass.” - - * * * * * - -Let me introduce myself. My name is Sol. - -Any relation to Lysol? - -No, Ingersoll. Watch me! - - * * * * * - -Torch Pulls This One - -It’s a long road that has no roadhouse. - - - - -_Our Rural Mail Box_ - - -=_Bridget_=—Better put on your woolen socks, Bridget, or you will catch -cold in your lungs. - - * * * * * - -=_Andy Gump_=—A continuous buzzing noise in your ears is not always a -sign of serious mental trouble, or any other illness. It is probably the -first indication that your wife needs a new hat. - - * * * * * - -=_Sweet Marie_=—You are mistaken, Marie. The Scottish Highlanders are not -members of the Middlesex Regiment. - - * * * * * - -=_Weeping Winnie_=—Cheer up, Winnie. You are overdosed on pessimism and, -in retrospection, I feel sure you have presented a very sad aspect to the -cynics of humanity. - - * * * * * - -=_Queen Liz_=—Your singing lessons may keep the wolf away from the door, -’tis true, if the wolf hears you. - - * * * * * - -=_“You can’t pick me up—I’m not of that metal,” said the piece of glass -to the bar magnet._= - - * * * * * - -=_Naughty Nellie_=—Where does your lap go when you stand up? - - * * * * * - -=_Willie Zatso_=—It is considered bad manners for children to stick their -elbows out when cutting their meat at dinner. You might make your father -cut his mouth. - - * * * * * - -A knock-kneed man walked down the street. Said the right knee to the left -knee, “If you let me get around this time I’ll let you get around next -time.” - - * * * * * - -Warm Stuff - -I saw a dog chasing a jackrabbit down the hill and it was so hot the dog -and rabbit were both walking. (Lie down, Fido, you’re all wet.) - - * * * * * - -We Clipped This - -“I’ve got that down Pat,” said Mrs. Flanigan, as she gave her son a dose -of castor oil. - - * * * * * - -Bob—“You look sweet enough to eat.” - -Gert—“I do! Where shall we go?” - - * * * * * - -_Frank Adams in a recent Cosmopolitan story describes the modern dance -thusly:_ - -_“If there wasn’t any music they would be arrested.”_ - - * * * * * - - _My head is dizzy,_ - _My eyes are getting sore,_ - _That’s all for this issue,_ - _There ain’t any more._ - - - - -The Winter Annual - - -_CONTENTS_ - - DRIPPINGS FROM THE FAWCETT - GIRL IN BLUE VELVET BAND - FACE ON THE BARROOM FLOOR - FRANKIE AND JOHNNIE BLUES - SHOOTING OF DAN MCGREW - WEDDING OF THE PERSIAN CAT - ACE IN THE HOLE - BOOZE FIGHTER’S DREAM - DIARY OF A DIVORCEE - FABLE OF THE BULL - HIGHTY TIGHTY APHRODITE - GOLIGHTLY HIGHBALLS - HOW TO KISS DELICIOUSLY - HUNTING THE WILY POLE CAT - MOHAMMEDAN BULL - OUR OWN FAIRY QUEEN - TOOL HOUSE ON THE FARM - THE OLD SMOKEHOUSE - QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS - GILA MONSTER ROUTE - PASTURE POT POURRI - HOOCH CURE BLUES - DYING HOBO - LASCA - SAM’S GIRL - TOLEDO SLIM - EVOLUTION - POPPIES - AFTER THE RAID - THE HARPY - THE SUICIDE - TARNISHED GOODS - SEPARATION - LITTLE RED GOD - THE LADIES - LIMBER KICKS - NAUGHTY BUT NICE - TO THE GIRL - RURAL MAIL BOX - TIRED HIRED MAN - LIFE’S A FUNNY PROPOSITION AFTER ALL - - - - -_Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22_ - - -256 pages of fun. The gems of 25 early editions of Capt. Billy’s Whiz -Bang. Stories, toasts, poems, drippings and pot pourri comprise this -greatest Whiz Bang book. - -_Only a Few Left_ - -If your newsdealer’s supply is exhausted, pin a dollar bill, or your -check, money order or stamps to the coupon below and receive this peppy -collection. - - Whiz Bang, - Robbinsdale, Minnesota. - - Gentlemen: - - Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps for $1.00 - for which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.” - - Name.............................................. - - Address........................................... - - - - -_Everywhere!_ - - -_Whiz Bang_ is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents -single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the -publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year. - -One dollar for the WINTER ANNUAL. - -[Illustration] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. -31, March, 1922, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, MARCH 1922 *** - -***** This file should be named 62558-0.txt or 62558-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/2/5/5/62558/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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No. 31, March 1922, by Various. - </title> - - <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> - -<style type="text/css"> - -a { - text-decoration: none; -} - -body { - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; -} - -h1,h2,h3 { - text-align: center; - clear: both; -} - -hr { - margin-top: 2em; - margin-bottom: 2em; - clear: both; - width: 65%; - margin-left: 17.5%; - margin-right: 17.5%; -} - -ul { - list-style-type: none; -} - -li { - margin-top: .5em; - padding-left: 2em; - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.starbreak { - text-align: center; - clear: both; - margin: 1em auto; - letter-spacing: 2em; -} - -p { - margin-top: 0.5em; - text-align: justify; - margin-bottom: 0.5em; - text-indent: 1em; -} - -p.dropcap { - text-indent: 0em; -} - -p.dropcap:first-letter { - float: left; - margin: 0.1em 0.1em 0em 0em; - font-size: 450%; -} - -.bbox { - page-break-before: always; - border: double; - padding: 0.5em; - margin: auto auto 1.5em auto; -} - -.blockquote { - margin: 1.5em 10%; -} - -.bold { - font-weight: bold; -} - -.box { - border: 2px solid black; - padding: 0.5em; -} - -.bt-bb { - border-top: double; - border-bottom: double; -} - -.by { - font-weight: bold; - font-size: 130%; - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; - margin-bottom: 0.75em; -} - -.caption { - text-align: center; - margin-bottom: 1em; - font-size: 90%; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.center { - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.figcenter { - margin: auto; - text-align: center; -} - -.form { - width: 100%; - border-bottom: 1px dotted; -} - -.hanging { - padding-left: 2em; - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.hanging-x { - padding-left: 2em; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.larger { - font-size: 150%; -} - -.noindent { - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.pagenum { - position: absolute; - right: 4%; - font-size: smaller; - text-align: right; - font-style: normal; -} - -.poetry-container { - text-align: center; - margin: 1em; -} - -.poetry { - display: inline-block; - text-align: left; -} - -.poetry .stanza { - margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em; -} - -.poetry .verse { - text-indent: -3em; - padding-left: 3em; -} - -.poetry .indent1 { - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.poetry .indent2 { - text-indent: -1em; -} - -.poetry .indent3 { - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.right { - text-align: right; -} - -.sans { - font-family: sans-serif; - font-weight: bold; - font-size: 90%; -} - -.smaller { - font-size: 80%; -} - -.smcap { - font-variant: small-caps; - font-style: normal; -} - -.spacer { - padding-left: 5em; -} - -.u { - border-bottom: 3px solid; -} - -.w20 { - max-width: 20em; - margin: auto; -} - -.w40 { - max-width: 40em; - margin: auto; -} - -.green { - border: double #007e07; - page-break-before: always; - padding: 0.5em; - margin: auto auto 1.5em auto; -} - -.all-green { - color: #007e07; -} - -@media handheld { - -img { - max-width: 100%; - width: auto; - height: auto; -} - -.poetry { - display: block; - margin-left: 1.5em; -} - -.blockquote { - margin: 1.5em 5%; -} - -p.dropcap:first-letter { - float: none; - margin: 0; - font-size: 100%; -} -} - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 31, -March, 1922, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 31, March, 1922 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: July 4, 2020 [EBook #62558] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, MARCH 1922 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<h1>Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. III. No. 31, March, 1922</h1> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 430px;"> -<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="430" height="600" alt="Cover image" /> -</div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="bbox w40 all-green"> - -<h2 class="u"><i>They’re Going Fast!</i></h2> - -<p>Whiz Bang’s greatest book—The Winter Annual -Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22—hot off the -press. Orders are now being mailed. There will -be no delay as long as the supply lasts. If your -news stand’s quota is sold out—</p> - -<p class="center larger bold">PIN A DOLLAR BILL</p> - -<p class="center">Or your check, money order or stamps<br /> -To the coupon on the back page.</p> - -<p>And receive our 256-page bound volume of -jokes, jests, jingles, stories, pot pourri, mail bag -and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever -put in print.</p> - -<p class="center larger bold">REMEMBER, FOLK</p> - -<p>Last year our Annual (which was only one fourth -as large as the 1921-22 book) was sold out -on the Pacific Coast within three or four days, -and not a copy could be bought <b>anywhere</b> in the -United States within ten days.</p> - -<p>So hurry up! First Come will be First Served!</p> - -<p>Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to -the Whiz Bang Farm, Robbinsdale, Minn.</p> - -<p class="center smaller bold">Don’t write for early back copies of our regular issue.</p> - -<p class="center smaller bold">We haven’t any left.</p> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[1]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/titlepage.jpg" width="400" height="600" alt="Title page image" /> - -<p class="caption"><i>Captain Billy’s<br /> -Whiz Bang</i></p> - -<p class="caption"><i>America’s Magazine of<br /> -Wit, Humor and<br /> -Filosophy</i></p> - -<p class="caption">MARCH, 1922 <span class="spacer">Vol. III. No. 31</span></p> - -<p class="caption">Published Monthly<br /> -W. H. Fawcett,<br /> -at Robbinsdale, Minnesota</p> - -<p class="caption">Entered as second-class matter May 1, 1920, at the postoffice at -Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the -Act of March 3. 1879.</p> - -<p class="caption">Price 25 cents <span class="spacer">$2.50 per year</span><br /> -ONE DOLLAR FOR THE WINTER ANNUAL</p> - -<p class="caption">Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any part -permitted when properly credited to Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang.</p> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[2]</a></span></p> - -<p class="center">“We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is -loyalty to the American people.”—Theodore Roosevelt.</p> - -<p class="center">Copyright 1922<br /> -By W. H. Fawcett</p> - -<div class="box"> - -<p class="center">Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang employs no solicitors. -Subscriptions may be received only at authorized news -stands or by direct mail to Robbinsdale. We join in no -clubbing offers, nor do we give premiums. Two-fifty a -year in advance.</p> - -</div> - -<p class="center">Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and -dedicated to the fighting forces of the United States</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Drippings From the Fawcett</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Three weeks of Havana’s cliquot, bacardi, -cervesa, horse races, jai alai, casino, and -the rattly-bang-bang, of garbage cans, -piercing shrieks of peddlers, not to mention -rip-snorting roaring and exhausted automobiles, -have had their exhilarating effects on the -usual hum drum existence that has been my -part of living on a quiet Minnesota farm. The -contrast is pleasant although somewhat tiresome. -There’s been too much excitement for -the little old editor of this family journal of -travel.</p> - -<p>Sometime in the dim and distant past I was -told that the most difficult feature in writing -was to transcribe the first paragraph. My -hardest job here is to stay away from the -Scotch and soda long enough to even think -what the first paragraph will look like. However, -with the able assistance of my good old -pals, the Haig brothers, I am at last seated by -a rickety old dining room table in an apartment -overlooking the Malecon, Morro Castle and the -Gulf of Mexico.</p> - -<p>Confucius once said: “It is not the wine -that makes a man drunk—it is the man himself.”<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span> -This filosophy applies to Cuba today. I -have seen more “saloons” in Havana and fewer -intoxicated persons than in any city in the -United States, both before and since the adoption -of the prohibition amendment.</p> - -<p>The easy manner in which we Americans -can get borie-eyed drunk on a few shots of -moonshine reminds of the Wag Jag ditty about</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>DeGulick McBlue, psychological stew,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Could always get tight on one small shot or two—</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Far from proving his worldliness, toughness and such.</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>It all went to show that he couldn’t stand much.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>In Havana it is forbidden by law to kiss your -wife on the gang-plank, in a taxi or other public -place. The usual fine for violation is $25.</p> - -<p>Spooning custom here is quite different, too. -In Cuba every residential window is protected -by iron bars similar to our jails. It is through -these barriers that lovers must cuddle and coo—at -least until he becomes so nervous and -tired from continual standing that he pops the -question. I know it would be rather tough on -some of our Minnesota farmhands if the farmers -should adopt a custom similar to Cuba.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">The first thing I learned in Havana was -that the Cubans do not like the Whiz -Bang’s traveling correspondent, Rev. -“Golightly” Morrill. Mr. Morrill’s name is -anathema to the average native, due undoubtedly -to the fact that our reverend friend rarely -deals out his views of life with kid gloves. He<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span> -sees the world from the standpoint of the betterment -of humanity and in seeking to attain -his end, strikes out in two-fisted manner.</p> - -<p>In republishing a recent Morrill article from -this magazine, a Havana publication takes this -rap at our correspondent:</p> - -<div class="blockquote smaller"> - -<p>The Rev. “Golightly” Morrill is still tramping -around the world seeking muck in which to wallow. -After his experience in the West Indies and Central -America it was not to be supposed that he would find -anything very bad to write about, but it seems that he -has discovered familiar iniquities on the beaches of -California.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">We chanced into a gringo barroom towards -the close of one evening, lured by broken -melodies of the brass rail gang. Through -the bedlam we could catch swinging tunes of:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>I’ll never get drunk any more, I’ll never get drunk any more,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>I’ll never enter a barroom door, I’ll never get drunk any more.</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>I wish I had taken my mother’s advice, and married a nice little wife,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>And settled down in the old home town, to lead an honest life.</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>My father gave me a fortune, I placed it all in my trunk,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>But I lost it all a-gambling, one night while I was drunk.</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>I’ll never get drunk any more.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>And this one:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>Wifie says you’re crazy, you’re drunk, you’re blind and can’t see,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>That’s nothing but a cabbage head the grocer gave to me.</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Now ten thousand miles I’ve traveled, with ten thousand more to go,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>But whiskers on a cabbage head I never saw before.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Ever since the death of our good neighbor, -Cyrus Hopkins, his lonely widow has -made a conscientious study of spiritualism. -The other morning Mrs. Hopkins visited -a Minneapolis medium in the hopes she might -communicate with her late husband. The connection -soon was made and the following conversation -took place:</p> - -<p>“Is this you, Cyrus?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, dear.”</p> - -<p>“Are you happy?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, dear.”</p> - -<p>“Happier than when you were with me?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, dear.”</p> - -<p>“Ain’t heaven just grand?”</p> - -<p>“I don’t know, dear. I’m in hell.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">How, Kind and Forbearing Readers of this -great encyclopedia of Psychic Research, -better known as The Whiz Bang, pause a -moment while Ye Ed relates how Sir Harry -Lauder indirectly caused me much embarrassment.</p> - -<p>While lunching at the Friars’ Club on my -last visit to New York City, I was cordially invited -to a big reception at the Hotel Commodore -in honor of Sir Harry Lauder, famous Scottish -comedian. The momentous night arrived and -I donned by “Sunday-go-to-meeting” clothes for -the great event. Please try to imagine my -chagrin and sheepishness when friends who had -called to escort me, very courteously and, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span> -might add, diplomatically informed me that “it -was to be a full dress affair.” How in heck -could a horny-handed tiller of the soil be expected -to possess a dress suit? After thanking -my kind auditors in as gracious a manner as -possible, I suggested that probably Sir Harry -might consider overalls more appropriate for -me. Anyway I did not attend the reception. -Next day my Friar friends told me about it and -I was happily regaled with Scottish humor. -The chairman, they said, graciously introduced -Lauder as his “closest friend.” Will these jokes -on Sir Harry’s thrift never cease?</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">During recent pilgrimages that carried -me east, west, north and south, I ran -across many amusing, although sometimes -embarrassing situations. Chief among -them was the constantly manifested surprise -of newly-found friends that there was actually -such a personage, in flesh and blood, as Captain -Bilious Billy.</p> - -<p>Here is a fair list of the questions usually -dished out by new acquaintances:</p> - -<p>“Why, I supposed the Whiz Bang was only -‘kidding’ and that ‘Captain Billy’ was merely -a book name.”</p> - -<p>“And do you really drink that horrid moonshine?”</p> - -<p>“Did you have a hired man named Gus?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span></p> - -<p>“Is Pedro your honest-to-goodness pedigreed -bull?”</p> - -<p>“Is there actually a town named Robbinsdale?”</p> - -<p>“Did a honeymooning couple really leave -their automobile seat with you when they went -to the village constable to report the theft of -their car?”</p> - -<p>It was necessary to plead guilty to nearly -all the allegations heaped on me. Of course, -poor Pedro is no more, he having “kicked the -bucket” last July, and Gus, too, has sorta back-slid. -Gus always was an in-and-outer anyway.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Gus, my old time hired man, has busted into -poetry again. The old boy must be getting a -whiff of the pine forests about Breezy Point -Lodge. Well, here you go, Gus,—we’ll publish -this one:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>I am only a poor old wanderer;</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>I have no place to call my home;</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>No one to pity me, no one to cheer me,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>As friendless and sadly I roam.</i></div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>It is tramp, tramp along though I’m weary;</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>To rest through the long, long day;</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Through the rain and the snow I must tramp to and fro,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>For it’s the poor tramp’s way.</i></div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>How I long for a place by the fireside,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>When the night it is cold, chill and damp;</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Vacant places I see, but there’s no room for me,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>For I’m only a poor old tramp.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Ornery Pups</h3> - -<p>A traveler in the Tennessee mountains -sought refuge one evening at a wayside cabin.</p> - -<p>He had traveled all one chill, April day and -was cold, hungry and footsore. With true -mountain hospitality the old mountaineer invited -him to supper, and insisted that he spend -the night.</p> - -<p>The host made him comfortable before a -huge open fireplace, and set a jug of mountain -dew beside his chair. Also introduced him to -his eighteen-year-old daughter, who was the -only other occupant of the cabin, unless we may -include four lank hounds stretched before the -fireplace.</p> - -<p>The old man hastened out to look after his -chores and the girl busied herself in the kitchen.</p> - -<p>The cabin was typical of the region, having -two rooms, one containing a bed and two chairs, -and the other serving as kitchen and dining -room.</p> - -<p>The traveler, left to himself, took three or -four heavy shots of the moonshine and soon -forgot his weariness and the chill of the April -day. He divested himself of his shoes, settled -himself with a sigh of content, and steamed his -sopping feet in the glow of the fire.</p> - -<p>Shortly one of the hounds raised his head, -languidly, and sniffed suspiciously.</p> - -<p>He scrambled to his feet, howled mournfully -and dived beneath the bed, the others following -him as if they had gone crazy. A piteous<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span> -whining and snarling issued from under the -bed for several minutes, and the traveler became -alarmed. The dogs must be mad.</p> - -<p>He arose and opened the door, and the dogs -shot from under the bed, and through the open -door. Each departed, howling as if St. Nick -was after him.</p> - -<p>It was puzzling to say the least.</p> - -<p>The comely daughter entered the room -shortly, and the traveler addressed her as follows:</p> - -<p>“What is the matter with those dogs?” he -inquired.</p> - -<p>“I dunno,” she replied, “Lessem one uv ’em -brung somepin dead indoors. Dad allus kicks -hell out’en the whole passell uv them when they -do thet.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Young Gringo</h3> - -<p class="smaller"><i>Havana’s tropical sunshine, coupled with a few jolts of -“Ron Bacardi Superior,” hath driven ye old cap’n to lyrical -lines of lisping lingo. So I sit me down on my cane bottom -chair with pencil stub in hand to transcribe that famous -Cholo rhyme, “The Young Gringo.” The poem has to do -with the proper actions of Americans in Cuba, and other -tropical countries.</i></p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The first you must learn is to listen, not speak,</div> -<div class="verse">For the one thing we hate is a youngster with cheek,</div> -<div class="verse">Shut up from the first; be attentive and meek</div> -<div class="verse indent3">When you’re next to a hardened old gringo.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">And now, from the start, don’t mistakenly think,</div> -<div class="verse">That to be a good sport you must gamble and drink,</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span> -<div class="verse">And play the darn fool: to rise up—not sink—</div> -<div class="verse indent3">Is the motto of every right gringo.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">But, if you do gamble and never can win,</div> -<div class="verse">Don’t damn at the dice-box, and kick up a din,</div> -<div class="verse">But keep your tongue silent, and switch on a grin,</div> -<div class="verse indent3">And pay up your debts like a gringo.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Don’t think that love’s river continually flows;</div> -<div class="verse">But just take a tip from a fellow who knows,</div> -<div class="verse">And pay for the water for washing your clothes—</div> -<div class="verse indent3">It’s cheaper all round for the gringo.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Yet, when you have read this, you don’t think I’m right,</div> -<div class="verse">And, in spite of the caution, your love-thoughts take flight,</div> -<div class="verse">Then take my advice, son; wed something that’s white!</div> -<div class="verse indent3">It’s best in the end for a gringo.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">If you happen to take a fair damsel to dine,</div> -<div class="verse">Don’t squander your money to put up a shine,</div> -<div class="verse">But order her beer (though she may ask for wine),</div> -<div class="verse indent3">Or you’ll sure be a fool of a gringo.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Now, if you must drink, my advice to begin</div> -<div class="verse">Is to stick to a whisky and soda ... or gin;</div> -<div class="verse">And never forget that the bottle must win,</div> -<div class="verse indent3">For it’s never been beat by a gringo.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">So don’t go on thinking your inside’s a sieve;</div> -<div class="verse">And now there’s a piece of advice I would give:</div> -<div class="verse">If you ain’t good, be careful!... and then you may live</div> -<div class="verse indent3">To get your grey hairs as a gringo.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Be slow to offend, and reluctant to blame;</div> -<div class="verse">Be quick to forgive; and treat all men the same—</div> -<div class="verse">You must hold a Straight Flush in life’s little game</div> -<div class="verse indent3">To be worthy the name of a gringo.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>’Sa Nice Day, Haintit?</h3> - -<p>A stuttering man walked up to a boy who -had a parrot in a cage and said, “Ca—ca—can -tha—tha—that parrot talk?”</p> - -<p>“Well,” replied the boy, “if he couldn’t talk -better than you I’d kill him.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>This Sounds Like Bull</h3> - -<p>A visitor who was stopping at a hotel was -much disturbed by the snoring of one of his -friends sleeping in an adjoining room. Suddenly -the snore ceased and death-like stillness -oppressed the listener. Thinking that something -had happened to his friend, he went into -his room, and found him sitting up in bed. -The friend said, “I was sleeping with my mouth -open, and I think I have swallowed a mouse.”</p> - -<p>The hotel doctor was sent for, who adopted -the novel expedient of calling in the services of -the hotel cat, and placed a piece of toasted -cheese some little distance from the patient’s -mouth, thinking that the mouse, smelling the -cheese, would come out to eat it and would fall -a prey to the cat. While the remedy was working, -the doctor went downstairs to get a drink, -and the patient fell asleep and resumed his -snoring.</p> - -<p>When the doctor returned the cat was missing.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Pat’s Hole</h3> - -<p>Pat was hard at work digging a post-hole, -when the boss strolled by. “Well, Pat,” said he, -noting the progress of the work, “do you think -you will be able to get all that dirt back into -the hole again?”</p> - -<p>Pat looked doubtfully at the pile of dirt, -and after some thought, said: “No, sor. Sure, -I don’t think I’ve dug the hole deep enough.”</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Mirrors of Life and Love</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="center">BY PRINCESS BIBESCO<br /> -Daughter of Margot Asquith</p> - -<p class="hanging">LOVE—“Isn’t that what love means, to fill -ordinary, commonplace conventional things -with magic and significance, not to need the -moon and white scent-heavy flowers at night? -* * * You talk about love. What a -strange, restricted growth it is with you. You -don’t know what the real thing means, you -who think passion is bad taste because you -are not tempted, you to whom the physical -side is a degrading extra.” * * * When -he was with her now he stammered. He -didn’t know that a stammer is the divine -eloquence of love.</p> - -<p class="hanging">PASSION—Passion is no respecter of persons. -She hardly seems to select her victims. How -many a would-be Juliet waits in vain for -those consuming fires her heart is longing -for, while they blaze in the reluctant hearts -of Mr. Adrian Roses, who only ask to be -left in peace, far from the ridiculous and, -thank God, equally far from the sublime. -Are men in love like this:</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span></p> - -<p class="hanging-x">“She was the first person he had ever loved. -He had trembled when he touched her. His -spasms of passion had been like spasms of -pain, his face contorted and his voice rough, -and then there had followed intervals of -wretched shyness. When he had thought of -possessing her he had become a saint waiting -for a divine manifestation.”</p> - -<p class="hanging">MARRIAGE—“We just are hopelessly unsuited -to each other. Do you seriously think that -you want a wife like me?” * * * “Marriage -will modify you.” * * * “Marriage might -modify me if I married the right man. Marriage -to you would bring out everything you -hate.” * * * “Helena, do you realize that -I love you?” “You don’t know what love -means.” * * * “Of course I don’t. If I -did I might want to marry you.”</p> - -<p class="hanging">PROTEST AGAINST REALISM—“What is it -one yearns for? It is to be able to do a thing -for the first time again. And that is impossible. -When I love, what do I want? I -want never to have kissed, never to have given -myself before. It is in vain, I say—‘Never -before was I awake—I was a dummy in the -hands of fate—now I am alive.’ I was shut -up perhaps, but my outer petals were touched. -Oh, my God, make me again the child I was—but -He cannot answer.”</p> - -<p class="hanging">DISILLUSIONMENT—What are we to tell -our children? How are they to know that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span> -the first accidental encounter with life may -take from them a treasure they will only -learn about in forty storm-tossed years? -Those first gifts—those shy blossomings -lovely in their unconsciousness—are surely -but the squandering of something half alive, -the foolish murder of a bud. Oh, youth is a -wicked, cruel thing, eating miracles with its -breakfast and not knowing they are not porridge.</p> - -<p class="hanging">WHAT A WOMAN WANTS—“I don’t want -anything except to be wanted. I long for you -to make ceaseless, impossible demands on me.”</p> - -<p class="hanging">THE GOAL OF HUMAN ACHIEVEMENT—“All -my life I have been teased for asking -not, ‘Is she beautiful?’ ‘Is she clever?’ but -always ‘Is she happy?’ I think it is in many -ways the most interesting thing about a person. -* * * Happiness is a light, an atmosphere, -an illumination. It sets a personality. -I always feel it is a creation that is difficult -for some and easy for others, but essentially -an achievement, never an accident.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Our Exchange</h3> - -<p>Henpecked and haggard husband asked the -butcher: “What kind of meat have you this -morning?”</p> - -<p>“Some steak as tender as a woman’s heart,” -said the butcher.</p> - -<p>“I’ll take sausage,” said the customer.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span></p> - -<h3>Unrequited Love</h3> - -<p class="center sans">By Walter Scott Haskell.</p> - -<p class="smaller">In the place first, I want it understood that I am a -California cousin to a doughboy’s cootie.</p> - -<p class="smaller">When first I clapped my binnacle lights on the robust -form of Susanna, I knew that she was my meat, vulgarly -speaking. I loved her very avoirdupois, and that was -going some, as she was no light article. I took her gauge -one evening as we sat in the parlor and I snuggled up -to her in a most friendly fashion. My advances were -met with cold resentment. She did not say a word, but -she jammed my head against her corset in a manner that -bespoke her an amazon of no mean physical power. I -thought my spinal column was broken; but when she -let go, I breathed a sigh of relief and was contented to -just look at her and nurse my sprained parts. I decided -to use diplomacy, and waited until she had taken herself -to the arbor hammock in the garden to indulge in an -afternoon siesta. I watched around, and when I saw her -eyelids droop and close, her breast heave in regular -breathing as one asleep, I made my way to her side and -bent over her fair face. How my mouth watered for a -bite of her, but I almost feared that she would wake and -lam me in the jaw. Temptation was too strong, however, -and in an evil moment I turned my attention to her roll-down -stocking that showed a goodly proportion of her -nether parts. With a kind of subdued clicking of my -jaws, I put my lips to her bare knee and experienced the -joy of a stolen kiss. It may have been a disgraceful act, -anyway the tickle of my touch awoke her, and she kicked -unmercifully, like a cow that will not be milked. I -ducked and escaped death, with a mouthful of her blood, -the best that I had ever had, for she was my meat, and -I am a California flea.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>A summer night and a maid and a man has -frequently caused an early fall!</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span></p> - -<h3>Kablegram Love</h3> - -<p>She was a pretty and ambitious girl and -had studied the matrimonial problem to a -nicety.</p> - -<p>“Yes, I suppose I shall wed eventually,” she -said, “but the only kind of masculine nuisance -that will suit me must be tall and dark, with -classical features. He must be brave, yet -gentle. Withal he must be strong—a lion -among men, but a knight among ladies.”</p> - -<p>That even a bow-legged, lath-framed youth, -wearing checked trousers and smoking a cigarette -that smelt worse than a burning boot, -rattled on the back door and the girl knocked -four tumblers and a cut glass fruit dish off the -sideboard in her haste to get to him.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The New Nursery</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>Dickering, dickering, Doc,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>With patients lined up a block,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>With fits and conniptions</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>They wait for prescriptions:</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>“Liquor me, liquor me, Doc.”</i></div> -<div class="verse right">—<i>A. J. S.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Long, Long Ago</h3> - -<p>We like the story from Ralph Neville’s -“Mayfair and Montmartre,” of the little chorus -lady who, when her rich admirer had bought -her some charming underclothing, said to him -in the shop as they were being packed: “Now<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span> -have a good look at them, for you’ll never see -them again.”</p> - -<p>This, of course, occurred in the long, long -ago Victorian days.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Zup, Kid?</h3> - -<p>While in Jacksonville I chanced into a Greek -restaurant and of the waiter inquired what -they had for dinner.</p> - -<ul> -<li>Small Stack Medyum</li> -<li>Rust Baff</li> -<li>Hom on Eggs</li> -<li>Chicken Frazee</li> -<li>Appolis Pie</li> -<li>Pach Pie</li> -<li>Strubberry Pie</li> -<li>Grap Frut</li> -<li>Zup, Kid?</li> -</ul> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>A normal woman would joyously go through -life with a pirate or yeggman who would drug -her with the opiate of flattery, in preference -to hooking onto a nincompoop tango lizard who -refreshes her with eternal, infernal, divinal -criticism.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Consolation Kiddoo</h3> - -<p>“If I die,” said the sick man gloomily, “what -will become of you and the children?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, don’t worry, darling,” replied the little -woman. “I’ll soon find somebody to take care -of us.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span></p> - -<h3>No Offense Here, Paddy</h3> - -<p>An Irishman while on his way to call upon -his best girl suddenly caught sight of a beautiful -parrot in a nearby tree.</p> - -<p>He decided it would be just the present for -her. Slowly he drew near the bird and upon -reaching one of the highest branches, was just -about to grab his prey when the parrot, -who had been eyeing him sharply, suddenly -squawked, “Well, what do you want?”</p> - -<p>Pat withdrew his hand and humbly made -answer, “Excuse me. Er—I thought you was a -bird.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Let’s sing it again:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“And when they asked her why the ’el she wore it,</div> -<div class="verse">Oh, she wore it for her lover who was far, far away.”</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Now for the chorus:</div> -<div class="verse indent3">“Far away, far away, oh, she wore it, etc.”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Hot Stuff</h3> - -<p>They arrived home late from the party. -Wife took off her hat and slammed it on the -floor. Then she confronted her hubby.</p> - -<p>“I’ll never take you to another party as long -as I live!” she said.</p> - -<p>“Why?” he calmly wanted to know.</p> - -<p>“You asked Mrs. Jones how her husband has -been standing the heat.”</p> - -<p>“Well?”</p> - -<p>“Well, her husband has been dead two -months.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span></p> - -<h3>Our Puzzle Department</h3> - -<p>Father and son were licking up moonshine.</p> - -<p>“Father,” asked the son, “how am I to know -when I’m drunk?”</p> - -<p>The old man pointed across the street. -“When those two men over there look like -four,” he responded.</p> - -<p>“But father,” interrupted the son, “I see -only one man there.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Let This One Sink In</h3> - -<p>Lion Tamer—“Step into the cage with the -lion, Rastus, and let the photographer focus -you.”</p> - -<p>Rastus—“He’d better focus me before ah -goes in there, boss, for he ain’t gwine hab no -time to focus me when ah comes out.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Actors are the bunk. I heard one in Minneapolis -knocking St. Paul and I applauded him, -and I saw the same actor in St. Paul knocking -Minneapolis and I gave him the razzberry.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Our Spring Thriller</h3> - -<p>“I’ve got you at last,” he cried, “move if you -dare, move! It’s taken me many years, but at -last I’ve got you where I want you! Now I -dare you to move!”</p> - -<p>“Yep, you’re right,” replied his friend, “it’s -the first game of checkers you ever did win -from me.”</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Questions and Answers</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—If your pedigreed bull is a -thoroughbred, why not have him registered?—<b><i>Simon -Simple.</i></b></p> - -<p>No use to register him; he couldn’t vote -anyway.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—My wife is getting too -strenuous. The other day she broke a plate -over my head. What would you advise me to -do?—<b><i>Nyce Boise.</i></b></p> - -<p>You might try cast iron plates.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Bill</i></b>—Please define love?—<b><i>Amorous -Annabelle.</i></b></p> - -<p>Love is the psychology of youth; the subtle -sympathy that blends the world into a thing of -joy and pleasure unrestrained.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Bill</i></b>—Is “The Eternal Triangle” a play -or a book?—<b><i>Innocent Imogene.</i></b></p> - -<p>It’s a heart-throbbing and soul-stirring play, -Imogene, in which all humans have at some -time or other enacted a leading part—Adam -and Eve excepted. In fact I feel certain that -neither Adam or Eve ever “Cribbed” in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span> -University of Paradise with its rapturous -courses of enchantment. There’s a reason.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Skipper</i></b>—What epidemics were suffered -by United States troops during the World -War?—<b><i>Si Frever.</i></b></p> - -<p>Spanish influenza and American Shavetails. -Both were rather annoying at times, as any -doughboy will tell you.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Farmer Bill</i></b>—Being as how you are a -tiller of the soil, I suppose you’re familiar with -the “Black Eye Susan?”—<b><i>Nick Nack.</i></b></p> - -<p>No, Nick, I never met the lady, but I know -the gentlemen who gave it to her.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Bill</i></b>—Is there very much difference -in women as a whole?—<b><i>King Young.</i></b></p> - -<p>They’re all alike, young man, except they’ve -got different names.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Skipper</i></b>—What is meant by “The Port -of Missing Men?”—<b><i>Berry M. Deep.</i></b></p> - -<p>Ladies’ night in a Turkish bath.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Skipper</i></b>—Who are the leading Turkish -rulers?—<b><i>Jack Sellers.</i></b></p> - -<p>Pasha Hat, Mustapha Beer and Esaad Enuf.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—What is your best definition -of a diplomat?—<b><i>Phillis Fullabunk.</i></b></p> - -<p>A diplomat, Phillis, is a man who, when he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span> -gets home late, sneaks into bed backwards so -that if his wife awakes he can tell her he is -just getting up.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—Will you please tell me -who invented apple sauce?—<b><i>Anna Nyas.</i></b></p> - -<p>William Tell. He shot the apple off his son’s -head and they all had apple sauce for supper.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain Bill</i></b>—Don’t you think a -woman is everything in the world?—<b><i>Tiddledewinks.</i></b></p> - -<p>Yes, indeed—everything I can think of.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—What is the easiest way -to drive a nail without smashing my fingers?—<b><i>Ab Doman.</i></b></p> - -<p>Hold the hammer in both hands.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Whiz Bang Bill</i></b>—What is your idea -of the height of absentmindedness?—<b><i>Lou Z. -Lizzie.</i></b></p> - -<p>The professor who woke up at daylight and -found a fair lady beside him, much to his -astonishment, having forgotten that he had -married the night before.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—Can you give me a good -remedy for toothache?—<b><i>Holey G. Macknaw.</i></b></p> - -<p>Fill the mouth with cold water and sit on a -hot stove till the water boils.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span></p> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—What is good to keep -hair in?—<b><i>Baldy Bozo.</i></b></p> - -<p>A cigar box.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Preacher—Take up the collection before I -start preaching.</p> - -<p>Why?</p> - -<p>Preacher—Because I’m going to preach on -thrift.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Sunday School Teacher—“Percy, what must -we do before our sins can be forgiven?”</p> - -<p>Percy—“Sin.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Proudie! Proudie!</h3> - -<p>A well-known actor was introduced to a -chap who didn’t strike him particularly because -he was prejudiced against men who talk in -soprano voices. The next time they met he -ignored the fellow entirely. A few days later -he ran across the fellow again, but his face was -still frozen.</p> - -<p>The fourth meeting occurred in a cafe, and -he of the soprano voice waltzed up to the disgusted -actor’s table.</p> - -<p>“Do you know,” he said, “we have met three -times and you weally haven’t noticed me?” -Then with a sibilant lisp in a high C that nobody -in the cafe could miss, he gave the actor -three little dabs on the shoulder and squeaked, -“Proudie! Proudie! Proudie!”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span></p> - -<h3>Parlor Story</h3> - -<p>One day an inspector of a New York tenement -house found four families living in one -room, chalk lines having been drawn in such a -manner as to mark out a quarter for each -family.</p> - -<p>“How do you get along here?” inquired the -inspector.</p> - -<p>“Very well,” was the reply. “Only the man -in the farthest corner keeps boarders.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Some kind-hearted man of money moves the -motion that Manhattan’s mackerel munching -macaroons be deported to Waikiki Beach to -indulge in the popular Hawaiian pastime of -poi-eating.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Another Nut Story</h3> - -<p>“Mine is a sad case, Lady,” said the solemn -visaged inmate of the asylum to the visitor.</p> - -<p>“My parents fed me Gripe nuts; made me -sleep up in the garret among the rats, in a -‘buggy’ bed and beneath a crazy quilt. My -only pet was a squirrel, and my only toys, the -wheels from a cuckoo clock.”</p> - -<p>And striking a Napoleonic attitude, he -strode out in search of Josephine.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Oh, Doc Crafts!</h3> - -<p>Some people are so dry that talking to them -is like chewing a blotter.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span></p> - -<h3>This Ain’t Very Hot</h3> - -<p>The Meanest Man bought his bride a nickel’s -worth of candy as a wedding present, then took -her on a trolley ride honeymoon.</p> - -<p>After they got off the car he said, “Let’s -save some of that candy for the children.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Lampoon’s Stuff</h3> - -<p>He got on at Park and sat in the last car.</p> - -<p>She got on at Park and sat in the last car.</p> - -<p>When he went over the bridge he smiled. -She laughed aloud. At Kendall she crossed -her legs. He crossed his fingers. At Central -he had her phone number. She had his watch. -When they reached Harvard he offered to take -her home. He kissed on the front porch. Then -he went back to Ridgely Annex and cut one -more notch in his shoe trees.</p> - -<p>“I guess it’s my personality,” he thought as -he tumbled into bed.</p> - -<p>“I guess it’s my smile,” she thought as she -tumbled into bed.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Fido, Quit Your Pekin</h3> - -<p>“Marie is so modest she puts her pet dog out -of the room while she is changing her gown!”</p> - -<p>“The idea!”</p> - -<p>“Well—it’s a Pekingese.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">There are two classes of people: those who sit and -think, and those who sit.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span></p> - -<h3>The Crap Shooter’s Wedding</h3> - -<p>Preacher—Rastus, do yo’ take dis here -woman for better or for worse?</p> - -<p>Rastus (from habit)—Pahson, Ah shoots de -works!</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Program</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I pressed thy round, full mouth to mine own</div> -<div class="verse indent1">In ecstacy.</div> -<div class="verse">I drew the fragrant perfume of thee</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Into me.</div> -<div class="verse">My trembling hand about thy slender neck.</div> -<div class="verse indent1">With a curse: for I knew</div> -<div class="verse">That thou wast empty, little pint bottle.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Knockem On the Kiss</h3> - -<p class="bold"><i>He—Do you like indoor sports?</i></p> - -<p class="bold"><i>She—Yes, if they go home early.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>“Will you please insert this obituary -notice?” asked an old gentleman of Pedigreed -Bull Smith of the Minneapolis Journal. “I make -bold to ask it because the deceased had a great -many friends about here who’d be glad to hear -of his death.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Irish Pot Pourri</h3> - -<p class="smaller"><i>As the old saying goes—you’ll find no Chinese laundries -where the River Shannon flows.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>If everything we did in life was printed on -our foreheads there would not be so many -reformers out in the daytime.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span></p> - -<h3>The Fireless Telephone</h3> - -<p>In Hades: “Hell-o!”</p> - -<p>In Heaven: “Hal-o!”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">“Were you ever pinched for going too fast?”</p> - -<p class="smaller">“No, but I’ve been slapped.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>“Mary, Mary, slightly airy,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>How do the fashions go?”</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>“Piled up hair and shoulders bare</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>And vertebrae all in a row.”</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>“Sir,” writes a correspondent, “When I was -in Butte I dropped my meal ticket on the floor -and one of those miners with hob-nailed shoes -stepped on it and punched out a week’s board.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Sandy Lost His Ball</h3> - -<p>Sandy McDugal was a great golf enthusiast. -In many months he never missed a morning. -Then the inevitable happened—Sandy was absent. -His fellow golfers, worried lest Sandy be -ill, sought him out.</p> - -<p>They found the old Highlander in apparently -good health. Sandy refused to explain -his absence from the course until after vigorous -questioning.</p> - -<p>“Weel,” drawled Sandy unwillingly, “if ye -must know, I lost me ball.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>There are two things that I can’t understand. -A locoed cow and a love-sick man.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span></p> - -<h3>This Can’t Be True</h3> - -<p>A traveling man had missed his train and -went back to his home. He took his pass keys -out of his pocket, opened the door, and to his -great surprise his wife was sitting on his best -friend’s lap, and kissing him.</p> - -<p>“Smith, I’ve set a trap for you and caught -you,” shouted the irate husband.</p> - -<p>Smith replied, “With bait like this, you can -catch me any time!”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>On Picket Duty</h3> - -<p>“That was a striking gown your girl wore -last night.”</p> - -<p>“Yes; that was her union suit.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>When Mrs. Murphy saw her husband hanging -in the stable she said, “so that’s where my -clothes line went!”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>A Thing of Beauty is an expense forever.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Where Words Failed</h3> - -<p>The new guard was not familiar with a -certain railway run in Wales. Came a station -which rejoiced in the name of Llanfairfeshanpwllgogerych. -For a few minutes he -stood looking at the sign board in mute helplessness. -Then, pointing to the board and waving -his other arm toward the carriages, he -called, “If there’s anybody there for here, this -is it.”—Western Christian Advocate.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Mr. Harper’s Special</h3> - -<p>A Darky and his brown sweetheart, followed -by three pickaninnies, applied to the clerk of -a Southern court house for a license to wed.</p> - -<p>The clerk eyed the assemblage doubtfully. -“Whose children are these?” he asked.</p> - -<p>“Dey our’n,” was the ready response from -the man.</p> - -<p>The clerk was scandalized, being new at his -post. “You ought to be ashamed of yourselves, -waiting to get married till you have a family -half grown—”</p> - -<p>“Jedge, you’ll have to excuse dat,” interrupted -the “bride,” sweetly. “De roads out our -way is so bad!”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>It’s a New One On Us</h3> - -<p>Elizabeth—Say, daddie, what is that thing -under your nose?</p> - -<p>Daddie—Why! That’s my mustache. Why -do you ask?</p> - -<p>Elizabeth—I just wondered what you called -it. Mamma’s got one of them things under her -arm.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Dot’s Right</h3> - -<p>Cohen—Ikey, what for you go up dem -shtairs two at a time?</p> - -<p>Ikey—To safe my shoes, fader.</p> - -<p>Cohen—Dot’s right, my son; but look out -you don’t shplit your pandts.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Not First Class</h3> - -<p>The late Peter Cooper Hewitt, millionaire -inventor of New York, had a very intimate -knowledge of high society in the world’s -capitals.</p> - -<p>Mr. Cooper Hewitt, discussing the English -professional beauties of the ’80’s, said one day:</p> - -<p>“A famous, or rather a notorious professional -beauty, visited Constantinople. Her -charms worked havoc among the Turkish -nobility. The sultan himself was smitten.</p> - -<p>“At a dinner party on her return, King -Edward, then the Prince of Wales, questioned -her about her Turkish conquests.</p> - -<p>“‘You made a great hit with the sultan, I -believe?’ he said.</p> - -<p>“‘The sultan,’ she answered with enthusiasm, -‘is a dear. He conferred this decoration on -me.’</p> - -<p>“And she displayed a jeweled emblem which -glistened on her white bosom royally.</p> - -<p>“‘It’s the order of virtue,’ she explained, -and then, lowering her eyes, she added—‘of the -second class.’”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Did you ever sit in the parlor with your best -girl and hold each other’s hands ’til they got -all “perspiry” and then let go and rub off and -get a fresh hold again?</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>When I die I want to be cremated so I can carry my -remains around in my vest pocket.</i></p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Whiz Bang Editorials</i></h2> - -<p class="by"><i>“The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet.”</i></p> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Recently there came to our notice a -booklet containing what purports to be a -sermon delivered by one Bob Shuler, pastor -of the Trinity Methodist Church, Los Angeles, -bearing on its cover the statement that it -is “published in pamphlet form because of the -utter impossibility of securing the publication -of such a discussion through any Los Angeles -daily newspaper.”</p> - -<p>Taking for his text, “The Movie Industry -vs. The Public,” Rev. Shuler devotes approximately -four thousand words to what seems first -a conviction and then a trial of the only screen -star ever charged with a felony. He says:</p> - -<p>“That he was directly and absolutely responsible -for her death, I am certain.”</p> - -<p>The worthy pastor then proceeds with the -admission that “the attitude of the movie luminaries -toward the marriage relation; their -continuous ‘souse’ in divorce and scandal; their -quarter of a century of screened sex appeal; -* * * the evident looseness that has sprung<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span> -up among them; their booze parties; their -cigarette smoking beauties; their behavior as -reported by scores who live neighbor to their -studios; * * * all has forced me against -my will and over my protest to believe that a -majority of the movie crowd are of the same -stripe * * *.”</p> - -<p>Having already found him guilty, Dr. Shuler -then asks whether this actor is a fair, fit sample -of a type, and promptly answers his question -by saying:</p> - -<p>“I think you will have no trouble in recognizing -that he is a most splendid example of a -type, a most certain sample, of a variety of folk -who have decided to be the independent authors -of their own standards of morality or immorality, -without regard to or respect for the public.”</p> - -<p>On the same day there was brought to us a -copy of a daily newspaper containing about -four thousand words under the heading, “In -Loving Memory of Harry S. Duffield,” being -a transcript of an eulogy delivered a few weeks -ago by James Neill at the bier of his brother-actor -and lifelong friend, from which we quote:</p> - -<p>“In all these years I never heard from these -dead lips one irreverent oath. His thoughts -were white and his speech was clean. By nature -he was devotional. He believed in church -attendance and private prayer, and in the constant -reference of daily concerns to Divine -guidance. His reputation for gentle judgment<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span> -of his fellows was well known. Save to report -good of his fellowman, he spoke not at all. -* * * So good-bye forever, dear Harry Duffield, -our best beloved, and may the dear, gentle -God be very tender with you and give you everlasting -peace and rest.”</p> - -<p>What power is theirs to soften pain, to educate, -to instruct, when sent on some constructive -mission.</p> - -<p>And what a world of destruction they can -accomplish when their author’s purpose is to -gain notoriety through misrepresentation, to -besmirch clean men and women by fastening to -a majority the alleged shortcomings of a few, -and to entirely disregard the command of our -Creator, “Judge not that ye be not judged.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Difference</h3> - -<p>Marshal Petain, before he married, was once -delivering some pretty frank invective against -marriage in the presence of some friends. He -ended by saying nearly all married couples led -a cat-and-dog life. “But, look here,” said one -friend, “that’s an absurdly sweeping statement. -Besides, cats and dogs don’t always -quarrel. Look at those two on your hearth at -this moment. They get on well together.” Petain -smiled. “Tie them together and watch,” -he said.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">Judge—Are you guilty?</p> - -<p class="smaller">Prisoner—I haven’t heard the evidence yet.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>A Dish of Pot Pourri</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="smaller">Put on your muzzle, father, here comes the dog -catcher.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Salesmanship</h3> - -<p>A man was hit by an automobile in front of -the Whiz Bang News Stand at Sixth Street and -Hennepin Avenue, Minneapolis, the other day. -He arose rather dazed and ventured “Where -am I?”</p> - -<p>“Here you are, sir,” replied the book seller, -“a map of Minneapolis for ten cents.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>Doctors ought to get wise to themselves and hire some -cabaret singers to entertain their prescription hounds in the -waiting rooms.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Mighty Obliging</h3> - -<p class="bold"><i>Kiss me cute, kiss me cunning; kiss me -quick, my daddy’s coming.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Brother, ah’s tough; ah’s so tough mah -shadow won’t walk down the street with me, -an’ when ah gargles mah throat ah has to use -carbolic acid an’ boilin’ water to even feel it.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold"><i>You must sleep well, you lie so easy.</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Beg Your Pardon</h3> - -<p>Our hired man Pete informs us that it -wasn’t a six-foot tank of solid concrete that he -dove into, as announced in our last issue, but -that it was a six-foot tank filled with tapioca -pudding instead.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>I’ve heard of a lot of absent-minded guys, -but the one who scratched his hot cake and -poured the syrup down his neck beats ’em all—What -say?</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Whiz Bang’s Monthly Motto</h3> - -<p class="bold"><i>Never look a blind pig in the eye.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Peroxide Blues</h3> - -<p>He—You were a red head last night.</p> - -<p>She—Now I’m a black head.</p> - -<p>He—I’ll have to squeeze you.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>We know a certain “reformer” in Santa Ana -who could make a fortune if he would sell his -pictures for puzzles.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A Little Cotton Tale</h3> - -<p>“Really, I seldom cross my feet in a street -car.”</p> - -<p>“I hardly ever wear silk ones either.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Heard in a Beanery</h3> - -<p class="smaller">Waiter—“One stew for a bum! He has his own -bread!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Our Monthly Special</h3> - -<p>Ashes to ashes, sand to sand; please show -me a butcher that won’t weigh his hand.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>I know a man who refuses to shave until he gets a drink -of good liquor. He is now tripping on his beard.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">Were you ever at sea?</p> - -<p class="smaller">No, madam, I came over from Ireland in a wagon.</p> - -<p class="smaller">How could you cross the ocean in a wagon?</p> - -<p class="smaller">Why, my good woman, I rowed over.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>They All Do That</h3> - -<p>I am wild, wild with glee; because I kissed -my sweetheart, and she slapped me—That convinced -me that she loved me.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Question</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>Woman thinks that man is rude</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>If he stares at skirt to knee,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>But, lady, do you wear it short</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Just for other girls to see?</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">My girl’s name is Niagara. She falls for anybody.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Villain</h3> - -<p class="bold"><i>They shot him with limburger cheese and -then killed him for smelling bad.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>He—My father has a rabbit tattooed on his -arm.</p> - -<p>She—That’s nothing. My father has hares -all over his chest.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Memories of the Depot Man</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Down on a depot platform,</div> -<div class="verse">Bathed in the bleak wintry breeze,</div> -<div class="verse">Shy long ago of its contents,</div> -<div class="verse">With nothing inside it to freeze;</div> -<div class="verse">Shy long ago of its contents,</div> -<div class="verse">Drained of its last amber dreg,</div> -<div class="verse">Bungless and beerless and friendless,</div> -<div class="verse">Stands an empty eight gallon keg.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>She—You married me for love and got it.</p> - -<p>Old Foggie—You married me for money and -got it.</p> - -<p>She—I’ll tell the world I earned it.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Truck Driver to Barber</h3> - -<p>Don’t put any of that powder on my face, -see! What ya tink I am, a sissie?</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>A fashion magazine reminds us that one -way to get away from the city Bustle is to -move to the Outskirts.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A Home Run</h3> - -<p>While swimming someone stole his clothes, -so he painted a number on his B. V. D.’s and -ran home like a track man.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Line Up For Mess, Boys</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Cora, Cora, I adore you,</div> -<div class="verse">And for home I hate to start,</div> -<div class="verse">But the beans are ready, Cora,</div> -<div class="verse">And the best of friends must part.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Confessions of a Bride</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="center"><i>A Daily Newspaper Raving</i></p> - -<p class="dropcap">“Call up a steeple-jack today and get -him to paint the flag pole on the -garage,” said Warren as he finished his -sixth helping of ham and eggs, and folded the -morning paper preparatory to leaving for the -office. “Why, Warren,” Helen exclaimed, “I -can do the job as well as a steeple-jack, and -the money saved can be used to buy a new -worm for our still; the old one is almost worn -out.”</p> - -<p>Since Warren’s salary had been reduced -from $3,000 to $2,984 a month Helen had -watched every dollar, and the thought of paying -a man 50 or 75 cents to paint the flag pole -caused big tears to form in her eyes and run -down her cheeks into the platter of fried mock -turtle, which was her favorite breakfast dish.</p> - -<p>“There, there, little wife, don’t cry,” pleaded -Warren, placing an arm on her shoulder and -gently kicking her back of the right ear, “We’ll -say no more about the matter today, but if I -hear of you trying to climb that flag pole I’ll -cave in half a dozen of your ribs” and flinging<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span> -her a kiss he dashed blithely out of the house -and hailing a passing whisky runner’s car, was -soon out of sight on his way to work.</p> - -<p>Helen busied herself around the house and -tried to keep her mind off of the painting job. -Since they had dispensed with the services of -three maids and there was no one to assist her -with the house work except Bridget, the -Japanese house girl, there was much for her -to do. Getting Baby Winifred ready for school -was the biggest task, and this morning the little -girl was more unruly than ever. Only by -giving her a large glass of potato whisky -mixed with snuff, of which the child was -intensely fond could Helen induce her to stop -breaking the cut glass decanters on the -sideboard, and allow herself to be dressed.</p> - -<p>Making out the order for the butcher shop -occupied three hours, and when that was done -it was time for her music lesson, for Helen -never allowed anything to interfere with her -musical education, and at ten o’clock she seated -herself at the Victrola and under the skillful -tutelage of her teacher she was soon able to -play the overture from “Lily of the Alley.”</p> - -<p>From eleven until two was spent in eating -a light lunch, and then Jacquiline Olson -dropped in to complain about Mabel, Helen’s -pet cobra, biting her little boy. The Olson -woman was always distasteful to Helen and -when she requested that the snake be kept tied -up during the summer months, Helen arose<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span> -majestically and with a deft uppercut knocked -her over three chairs into the wood-box, where -she lay moaning feebly and offered no resistance -when Helen carried her over to the window and -dropped her with a crash into the alley.</p> - -<p>Most women would have considered their -day wrecked after such an incident, but Helen, -after draining a dipperful of hemlock wine, -dismissed the affair from her mind and started -to repair one of the dining room chairs she had -broken in a friendly argument with Warren -the evening before. After several futile -attempts to make the glue stick she gave it -up as a bad job and flung the chair in the bath -tub where she was certain Warren would not -see it for months. Then the telephone rang -and a deep bass voice informed her that Baby -Winifred had been arrested for throwing rocks -at the statue of Benedict Arnold in front of the -city hall.</p> - -<p>“Well, there’s nothing I can do till Warren -comes home,” said Helen as she hung up the -receiver and went out in the back yard to dig a -hole to bury the neighbor’s bull dog which -Pussy Purr-mew had just dragged in the house. -“I wish the dear thing wouldn’t bring home all -the dogs she kills,” sighed Helen, “but I suppose -she wants to show me what a good fighter she -is.”</p> - -<p>After burying the dog, Helen went back to -the house and picking up the latest issue of -Naughty Stories, soon was so interested that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span> -she did not hear the voices of the men at the -front door when they brought Warren home -from the office, drunk, and dumped him on -the front porch, where he lay until she stumbled -over him an hour later.</p> - -<p>By this time Warren was sober enough to -eat supper, which he did in a silence only -broken when he inhaled the soup and drank his -coffee.</p> - -<p>“Why don’t you talk to me?” Helen -demanded toward the end of the meal. “Don’t -sit there like a dummy and never say a word. -Men are such brutes!” And throwing herself -behind the kitchen stove she wept bitterly.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Too Fast!</h3> - -<p>The Victor Dog sat on a talking machine -and the record ran so fast, that the dog’s head -caught up with his tail, and he didn’t have room -to pass “His Master’s Voice.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>Olaf had a little dog,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>’Twas free from fleas and sins;</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>One day it squeezed right through the fence,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>And barked—its little shins.</i></div> -<div class="verse right">—<i>Shakespeare.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Sweet Dada</h3> - -<p>My girl’s ears are so large that if you were -to look at her from the back you would swear -she was a loving cup.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>As thou hast made thy bed, why lie about it?</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Smokehouse Poetry</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>In the April issue Smokehouse Poetry fans will be -treated to an old classic, “Absolution,” by Nesbit.</i></p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>“But the Priest’s duty bade him seek her out</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>And say, ‘My child, why dost thou sit apart?</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Hast thou some grief? Hast thou some secret doubt?</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Come and unfold to me thine inmost heart.’”</i> * * *</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>And as the dim east brightened, slowly ceased</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>The wild devotion that had filled the priest—</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>And with full sunlight he sprang up—a man!</i> * * *</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>“Oh, lips so quiet, eyes that will not see!</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Oh, clinging hands that not again will cling!</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>This last poor sin may well be pardoned thee,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Since for the right’s sake thou hast done this thing.”</i> * * *</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Night After Night</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Night after night the cards were fairly shuffled</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And fairly dealt, but still I got no hand.</div> -<div class="verse">The morning came, but I with mind unruffled</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Did simply say, “I do not understand.”</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Life is a game of whist; from unseen sources</div> -<div class="verse indent1">The cards are shuffled and the hands are dealt.</div> -<div class="verse">Vain are our efforts to control the forces</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Which though unseen are no less strongly felt.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Kid’s Last Fight</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Us two was pals, the Kid and me;</div> -<div class="verse">’Twould cut no ice if some gayzee,</div> -<div class="verse">As tough as hell jumped either one,</div> -<div class="verse">We’d both light in and hand him some.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Both of a size, the Kid and me,</div> -<div class="verse">We tipped the scales at thirty-three;</div> -<div class="verse">And when we’d spar ’twas give and take,</div> -<div class="verse">I wouldn’t slug for any stake.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">One day we worked out at the gym,</div> -<div class="verse">Some swell guy hangin’ round called “Slim,”</div> -<div class="verse">Watched us and got stuck on the Kid,</div> -<div class="verse">Then signed him up, that’s what he did.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">This guy called “Slim” he owned a string</div> -<div class="verse">Of lightweights, welters, everything;</div> -<div class="verse">He took the Kid out on the road,</div> -<div class="verse">And where they went none of us knowed.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I guessed the Kid had changed his name,</div> -<div class="verse">And fightin’ best ones in the game,</div> -<div class="verse">I used to dream of him at night,</div> -<div class="verse">No letters came—he couldn’t write.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">In just about two months or three</div> -<div class="verse">I signed up with Bucktooth McGee,</div> -<div class="verse">He got me matched with Denver Brown,</div> -<div class="verse">I finished him in half a round.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Next month I fought with Brooklyn Mike,</div> -<div class="verse">As tough a boy who hit the pike;</div> -<div class="verse">Then Frisco Jim and Battlin’ Ben,</div> -<div class="verse">And knocked them all inside of ten.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I took ’em all and won each bout,</div> -<div class="verse">None of them birds could put me out;</div> -<div class="verse">The sportin’ writers watched me slug,</div> -<div class="verse">Then all the papers run my mug.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“He’d rather fight than eat,” they said,</div> -<div class="verse">“He’s got the punch, he’ll knock ’em dead.”</div> -<div class="verse">There’s only one I hadn’t met,</div> -<div class="verse">That guy they called “The Yorkshire Pet.”</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">He’d cleaned ’em all around in France,</div> -<div class="verse">No one in England stood a chance;</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span> -<div class="verse">And I was champ in U. S. A.,</div> -<div class="verse">And knocked ’em cuckoo every day.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Now all McGee and me could think,</div> -<div class="verse">Was how we’d like to cross the drink,</div> -<div class="verse">And knock this bucko for a row,</div> -<div class="verse">And grab a wagon load of dough.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">At last Mac got me matched all right,</div> -<div class="verse">Five thousand smackers for the fight;</div> -<div class="verse">Then me and him packed up our grip,</div> -<div class="verse">And went to grab that championship.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I done some trainin’ and the night</div> -<div class="verse">Set for the battle, sure was right;</div> -<div class="verse">The crowd was wild, for this here bout</div> -<div class="verse">Was set to last till one was out.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The mob went crazy when the Pet</div> -<div class="verse">Came in, I’d never seen him yet;</div> -<div class="verse">And then I climbed up through the ropes,</div> -<div class="verse">All full of fight and full of hopes.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The crowd gave me an awful yell,</div> -<div class="verse">(’Twas even money at the bell)</div> -<div class="verse">They stamped their feet and shook the place;</div> -<div class="verse">The Pet turned ’round, I saw his face!</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">My guts went sick, that’s what they did,</div> -<div class="verse">For Holy Gee, it was the Kid!</div> -<div class="verse">We just had time for one good shake,</div> -<div class="verse">We meant it too, it wasn’t fake.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Whang! went the bell, the fight was on.</div> -<div class="verse">I clinched until the round was gone,</div> -<div class="verse">A beggin’ that he’d let me take</div> -<div class="verse">The fall for him—he wouldn’t fake.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Hell, no, the Kid was on the square,</div> -<div class="verse">And said we had to fight it fair,</div> -<div class="verse">The crowd had bet their dough on us—</div> -<div class="verse">We had to fight (the honest cuss).</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The referee was yellin’ “break,”</div> -<div class="verse">The crowd was sore and howlin’ “fake,”</div> -<div class="verse">They’d paid their dough to see a scrap,</div> -<div class="verse">And so far we’d not hit a tap.</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The second round we both begin,</div> -<div class="verse">I caught a fast one on my chin;</div> -<div class="verse">And stood like I was in a doze,</div> -<div class="verse">Until I got one on the nose.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I started landin’ body blows,</div> -<div class="verse">He hooked another on my nose,</div> -<div class="verse">That riled my fightin’ blood like hell,</div> -<div class="verse">And we was sluggin’ at the bell.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The next round started, from the go,</div> -<div class="verse">The millin’ we did wasn’t slow,</div> -<div class="verse">I landed hard on him, and then,</div> -<div class="verse">He took the count right up to ten.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">He took the limit on one knee,</div> -<div class="verse">—A chance to get his wind you see;</div> -<div class="verse">At ten he jumped up like a flash</div> -<div class="verse">And on my jaw he hung a smash.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I’m fightin’ too there, toe to toe,</div> -<div class="verse">And hittin’ harder, blow for blow,</div> -<div class="verse">I damn soon knowed he couldn’t stay,</div> -<div class="verse">He rolled his eyes—you know the way.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The way he staggered made me sick,</div> -<div class="verse">I stalled, McGee yelled “cop him quick!”</div> -<div class="verse">The crowd was wise and yellin’ “fake,”</div> -<div class="verse">They’d seen the chance I wouldn’t take.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">That mob kept tellin’ me to land,</div> -<div class="verse">And callin’ things I couldn’t stand;</div> -<div class="verse">I stepped in close and smashed his chin,</div> -<div class="verse">The Kid fell hard, he was all in.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I carried him into his chair,</div> -<div class="verse">And tried to bring him to for fair,</div> -<div class="verse">I rubbed his wrists, done everything,</div> -<div class="verse">—A doctor climbed into the ring.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">And I was scared as I could be,</div> -<div class="verse">The Kid was starin’ and can’t see;</div> -<div class="verse">The doctor turned and shook his head,</div> -<div class="verse">I looked again—the Kid was dead!</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>Just because you own an Ingersoll watch is no indication -you’re a horological expert.</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Rolling Stone</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The reason I never can quit the road</div> -<div class="verse">Is a reason that’s plain and clear;</div> -<div class="verse">It’s because no matter where I may stop</div> -<div class="verse">And whether it’s far or near,</div> -<div class="verse">There is a place beyond the place I am</div> -<div class="verse">Wherever I may be at,</div> -<div class="verse">And then beyond is a place beyond,</div> -<div class="verse">And the world beyond all that.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">And as long as a man has eyes to see</div> -<div class="verse">And a brain that wants to know,</div> -<div class="verse">I figure there are things he’s bound to miss</div> -<div class="verse">If he doesn’t go on and go.</div> -<div class="verse">For there’s always a place beyond that place</div> -<div class="verse">I happen to hand my hat;</div> -<div class="verse">And another place beyond that place</div> -<div class="verse">And the world beyond all that.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="bold"> - -<p><i>“Did you hear the one about the mouse-trap?”</i></p> - -<p><i>“No.”</i></p> - -<p><i>“Well, it’s snappy.”</i></p> - -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>A fool and his honey are soon mated.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold"><i>“I’m glad my affairs are rounded into good -shape,” said the pretty young thing as she -pulled on her stockings.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>You Can’t Tamper</h3> - -<p>Heard about the classy new neckwear for -trainmen? They say these railroad ties are -quite the rage.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>“Is she a very modest girl?”</i></p> - -<p class="smaller"><i>“Very—she won’t even look at the weather strip on the -house!”</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Slobbering Blues</h3> - -<p>“Let me kiss those tears away!” he begged -tenderly.</p> - -<p>She fell in his arms, and he was busy for -the next few moments. And yet the tears -flowed on.</p> - -<p>“Can nothing stop them?” he asked, breathlessly -sad.</p> - -<p>“No,” she murmured; “it is hay fever, you -know. But go on with the treatment.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Encore Ha Ha</h3> - -<p>Mr. Jones had recently become the father -of twins. The minister stopped him in the -street to congratulate him.</p> - -<p>“Well, Jones, I hear that the Lord has -smiled on you,” he said.</p> - -<p>“Smiled on me!” repeated Jones. “He -laughed out loud at me.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A Colorado Egg</h3> - -<p>While a Denver physician was inspecting -the insane hospital at Pueblo an inmate approached -him and asked: “I beg your pardon, -sir, but have you a piece of toast?” “No,” replied -the doctor, in surprise, “but I can get a -piece if you want it badly.” “Oh, I wish you -would. I’m a poached egg and I want to sit -down.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Jockey thrown in first race at New Orleans:</p> - -<p>“Let Zybszko ride him.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A Startling Exegesis</h3> - -<p>At a colored camp meeting in Louisiana the -following sermon was delivered by a very black -old darky, wearing huge spectacles:</p> - -<p>“Brethren and Sistren, de preachifying dis -mawnin’ will be from de text on de 10 virgins. -De bridegroom war a-coming and ’spectin’ dem -10 virgins to be ready wif dere lamps all -trimmed and a-burnin’, but, lo, when he was -come he done foun’ dat on’y five of dem virgins -war ready; yessir, five was trimmed and five -was ontrimmed; five was wise and five was onwise; -five was ready and five was onready; five -was male and five was female.”—Harper’s -Magazine.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Must Be Dr. Cupid</h3> - -<p>“I don’t like your heart action,” said the -doctor, applying his stethoscope.</p> - -<p>“You’ve had some trouble with angina pectoris, -haven’t you?”</p> - -<p>“You’re partly right, Doc,” answered the -young man, sheepishly. “Only that ain’t her -name.”—Pathfinder.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Roll ’Em Out Kid</h3> - -<p>When I was farmin’ in North Dakota I -raised spuds an’ one day I went out to see how -my spuds was comin’. The patch was right on -a side hill. Well, sir, do you know that when -I pulled up that vine two bushels of spuds -rolled out of that hill before I could plug up -the hole.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Piping Costs</h3> - -<p>The colored minister had just concluded a -powerful sermon on “Salvation is Free” and -was announcing that a collection would be -taken. Up jumped a brother in the back of -the church. “If salvation is free,” he interrupted, -“what’s the use paying for it? I’m -going to give you nothing till I find out. -Now—”</p> - -<p>“Patience, brother, patience,” said the parson. -“I’ll illustrate. Suppose you were -thirsty and came to a river. You could kneel -right down and drink, couldn’t you? And it -would cost you nothing, would it?”</p> - -<p>“Of course not. That’s just what I—”</p> - -<p>“That water would be free,” continued the -parson. “But supposing you were to have that -water piped to your house, you would have to -pay, would you not?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, sir, but—”</p> - -<p>“Well, brother, salvation is free, but it is -the having it piped to you that you got to pay -for. Pass the hat, sexton.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">It was rather quiet at the postoffice the -other day and outside of the Whiz Bang -mail our genial postmaster, Bud Nasset, -sorted out only two letters. The first one was -addressed to Deacon Miller from his son, reading -as follows: “Dear Father—I am in jail. -Son.” The Deacon’s answer was the other letter, -“Dear Son—So am I. Father.”</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Chinese Nightmare Cities</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="center">BY REV. “GOLIGHTLY” MORRILL<br /> -Pastor People’s Church, Minneapolis, Minn.</p> - -<p class="dropcap">All aboard for China, the country of Confucius -and chop suey! At Canton a wonderful -spectacle took place at the wharf. -A sampan man had beaten his wife and thrown -her on the dock where she sat and chanted in a -monotonous voice while a hundred coolies gathered -round and watched the interesting ceremony. -She referred to her husband and his ancestors, -then scraped up a little pile of dirt, -spat on it, molded it into the image of a man, -addressed it with a few words, suddenly knelt -and foully insulted it, and so eased her conscience, -balanced the books of honor and “saved -her face.”</p> - -<p>From the Hotel Victoria in the Shameen, or -Foreign Quarter, two cadaverous coolies carried -me in a coffin-shaped sedan chair across -a stinking canal into native Canton. My guide, -Ah Cum, led the way. The streets were so -narrow and the show windows so near that I -could have been a shoplifter with both hands. -If hungry, there was a free lunch counter extending<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span> -along the streets with tea and rice, live -fish, glazed ducks, gory pigs, a choice assortment -of fresh entrails, some dead dogs and rats, -crates of yowling cats, and huge pots of slimy -soup thickened with animal, vegetable and -other matter that would make the Witches’ -Cauldron in “Macbeth” look like a cup of consomme -in comparison.</p> - -<p>At the Temple of the Five Hundred Genii, -where the prayers of the holy had given way -to the harangues of the politicians, I saw a -gilded statue big as life of the first European -globe-trotter to China, Marco Polo. Such a -traveler was a novelty then, but now is a nuisance. -I went by old walls whose painted -dragons the new Chinese had wiped out; by -temples whose only occupants were a few second-hand -gods and bats; took time to visit the -water-clock tower where drops of water instead -of grains of sand mark the time of China’s -millions towards the grave; passed through -gates of the old city wall to the hillside where -hundreds had been shot; looked into the graveyard -where the poor common people rest after -life’s fitful fever, while the restless rich, who -shunned them in life, lie apart from them in -the City of the Dead.</p> - -<p>Like mummies in a museum, they sleep unburied -in their rich caskets and await the -grafting geomancer, that oriental undertaker, -who promises the relatives to find some place -in the ground undisturbed by the Great Dragon.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span> -By the religious milestone of the five-storied, -weedy, seedy Pagoda, whose oracles are dumb, -I headed for the Execution Grounds in the pottery -district where the sharp sword had sent -many a man back to his original clay.</p> - -<p>China is becoming civilized now and stands -her criminals up against a wall and shoots -them. Here was a narrow alley lined with -earthen pots covered with mats, under which -were fleshless skulls. One of them seemed to -look imploringly at me, and I picked it up. -Alas, some poor Chinese Yorick! I was anxious -to see the man who struck the fearful blows, -and Ah Cum called the executioner who came -out with a knife estimated to have cut off 300,000 -heads in thirty years. There is a death -here by “seventy-two cuts,” but one from his -sword was enough.</p> - -<p>Bayard Taylor said China was a good place -to leave, and I was not very sorry when the -whistle blew to cast off and say good-bye to the -city of dreadful sights, sounds, suffering and -smells. Leaving the grotesque outline of an old -fort, a little island stained by some dark murder, -a place where pirates had scuttled a ship, -a picturesque Pagoda looking like an eight-story -Easter bonnet, Grecian-bend shaped junk-boats -and sampans like big, broken barrels -floating along, we sailed down the Pearl River -and at midnight reached the Portuguese town of -Macao. On deck we were surprised to find the -officers embracing the coolies. Were they trying<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span> -to relieve them of their hard-earned spoils -of fan-tan which they had won during the -night? No, the honest officials were only -searching for concealed arms, but found only -those which Nature had allowed and provided.</p> - -<p>An illuminated sign, “First-class Gambling -House,” drew my attention. Gambling, next to -loafing and the manufacture of opium, is the -principal occupation of the youngest and oldest -inhabitants. Macao is the Oriental Monte -Carlo. Gambling here is backed by the government -which gets back a certain per cent of the -earnings which it invests in hospitals, asylums -and cheap lodgings for the people who have -been beaten at the game. At this gambling-hell -one could play at the big table downstairs, -or drop into the game by lowering his money -in a small basket from the balcony above. Tired -of the game, the player recuperates his wasted -energies here by eating bird-nest soup and -shark-fins, or drinking Portuguese wines. If -he is sleepy, he may take the opium-pipe train -of thought to the Flowery Land where every-day -is Sunday.</p> - -<p>At a “song-parlor” some Chinese dolls -amused us with their squeaky voices and knife-scraping -music. It sadly recalled my visit to a -Hongkong house of pleasure whose almond-eyed -inmates illustrated Confucius’ remark that -“women had no souls,” and the Chinese philosophy -which attributes death and evil to Yin, -the female principle in Nature. Their artificially<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span> -whitened and rouged faces were ghastly, -and their flower-and-jewel-bedecked hair glued -down to the skull was anything but attractive -to an Occidental eye. Their lips were red like -the dawn of day, their complexions like congealed -ointment, and their betel-nut-stained -teeth like black watermelon seeds. They unfurled -painted fans, sipped tea, nibbled sweetmeats, -puffed at opium-pipes, and looked quite -flowery in their blue collars, purple tunics and -bright green trousers. I wonder if the men, -whom they were entertaining, remembered the -Chinese proverb, “There is no such poison in -the green snake’s mouth or in the hornet’s sting -as in a woman’s heart.”</p> - -<p>After visiting next day a firecracker factory, -temples, joss-houses, and a tobacco plant -where little children and old women were at -work sorting the leaves, I was conducted to -Macao’s notorious opium factory. I entered a -low-ceiling room where men were stripped to -their waists like blacksmiths at the forge. They -picked up the crude opium, shaped like a cocoanut -shell, scooped out the chocolate-looking substance, -threw it into a kind of brass wash-basin -under which roared the fire, until it steamed -and blubbered like a pot of hot mush or molasses. -They darted here and there like imps with -these pans. Then the liquid was poured in porcelain -boxes of various sizes. The whole place -seemed like a Devil’s smithyshop where chains -were being forged for lost souls. The odor was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span> -peculiar and penetrating. I must have absorbed -some of the dope, for I felt dizzy and -was glad to get outside in the fresh air.</p> - -<p>There is no more melancholy sight, in China’s -teeming nightmare cities, than a drug-befuddled -victim staggering out in the early dawn -from some hasheesh house and tumbling down -in the street where he dreams he is in the -Celestial City with his ancestors. When he is -rudely awakened by a hungry rat gnawing his -hand or foot, the golden vision vanishes. In the -cold light of the morning, racked with nameless -pains, he crawls off to work at some mean job, -hoping to make enough for another night’s -opium dream in which to forget the hell of this -tormenting world.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Be An “I Can” Giant</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">As on through Life’s journey we go, day by day,</div> -<div class="verse">There are two whom we meet, at each turn of the way,</div> -<div class="verse">To help or to hinder—to bless or to ban,</div> -<div class="verse">And the names of these two are “I Can’t” and “I Can!”</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“I Can’t” is a dwarf, a poor, pale, puny imp,</div> -<div class="verse">His eyes are half blind and his walk is a limp,</div> -<div class="verse">He stumbles and falls, or lies writhing in fits,</div> -<div class="verse">And for those who would help him plants snares and digs pits.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“I Can” is a giant, unbending he stands,</div> -<div class="verse">There is strength in his arms, and skill in his hands,</div> -<div class="verse">He asks for no favors, he wants but a share</div> -<div class="verse">Where labor is honest and wages are fair.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>“Now, let’s stick together, boys,” said the -first of three flies as they lit on the piece of -tanglefoot.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>An Immediate Saving</h3> - -<p>Ikey kicked in the bathroom door and discovered -Rebecca dead in the bath tub. For a -moment he gazed horror stricken, then rushed -to the head of the stairs and shouted to the -maid, “Mary, Mary!”</p> - -<p>“Yes, sir,” answered the shixa.</p> - -<p>“Only von egg for breakfast dis morning, -Mary.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Ad In Theatrical Paper</h3> - -<p class="smaller">Engagement wanted. Small part, such as dead body -or outside shouts.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Fancy Poetry</h3> - -<p class="smaller">Father got his hand blown off. That was a terrible sin. -It could have been worse if it was the hand that he had his -wages in.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>“Paris is falling,” delicately hinted the -maiden, as her escort’s garter snapped and fell -over his shoe-top.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller bold">“Trash!” exclaimed the president of the Ash Men’s -Union, as the secretary finished reading the reports.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Bang! Bang!</h3> - -<p>Lady went into a store and asked for a -camisole. “What bust?” asked the salesman. -“I didn’t hear anything,” she replied.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>Tell the truth and shame the family.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>They Shot Spitballs</h3> - -<p>A good story is told on our old friend -Colonel Luce of the Minnesota National Guard. -Two battalions of the Colonel’s regiment were -staging a sham battle at their summer encampment.</p> - -<p>The defending forces took possession of a -small hill overlooking a river and destroyed -the only bridge by the simple method of tacking -up a notice on it stating that they had done -so. As a result it was quite a surprise to them -to see the attacking forces swarming across -the bridge, making extraordinary motions in -front of them with their hands.</p> - -<p>“Hold on there, men!” shouted the Colonel’s -aide from the observer’s post, “you can’t cross -that bridge. It has been blown up.”</p> - -<p>“Tuhel with that!” retorted the Major of -the other side, “we’re not crossing it, can’t you -see we are swimming the dang river?”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Let’s Now Sing</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I love a lassie,</div> -<div class="verse">She’s naughty, but,</div> -<div class="verse">She’s classy.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Morning Mail</h3> - -<p>When we were in the army we used to read -“The Daily Undershirt.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>A woman’s beauty is always a liability, -although at times considered a big asset.</p> - -<hr /> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Classified Ads</i></h2> - -</div> - -<h3>We’ll Take the Solar System</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the L. A. Times)</p> - -<p class="sans">Personal—Lady 26, quiet, traveled, experienced in business -or will assume domestic work for opportunity in music and art. -Prefer aged person financially able who would appreciate ray of -sunshine. Address MP.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>One “Bier” Makes a Jolly Party</h3> - -<p class="center">(Cuba City, Wis., News-Herald)</p> - -<p class="sans">An auto load of Benton girls, consisting of the Hunter sisters, -Miss Calvert, Miss Ayer, and another one, attended the funeral -Tuesday, and put in the rest of the time fishing, etc. They had -a jolly fine time.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Gus is a Good Ex-Farmer</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Peoria Journal)</p> - -<p class="sans">Would like acquaintance of good business man or a young -farmer, like one with car, for pastime and results. Address C. -A., care Star.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>It’s Quite Cool Now at Breezy Point</h3> - -<p class="center">(Adv. of Chicago Beach Hotel)</p> - -<p class="sans">Patrons not wearing bathing suits will find the cafe very -comfortable.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Has Your Wife Gone to the Country?</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Denver Post)</p> - -<p class="sans">Caring neither for life, limb or anything, I will consider any -proposition you may have, regardless of what it may be; must -earn money; do anything; go anywhere; fear nothing; answers -confidential. I need money. Will go the limit to get it.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>One at a Time</h3> - -<p>Years ago when W. A. McConnell was manager -of the Brooklyn theater he had a pet -parrot which was kept in the box office. During -a “big run” the ticket seller was wont to -say, “Get in line, please; one at a time, one at -a time, gentlemen.”</p> - -<p>The bird escaped one afternoon, and -McConnell commissioned some boys to find it, -which they did on an old tree in a nearby park, -where several crows were making its feathers -fly. McConnell asked if the bird said anything -and the leader of the boys replied: “Yes, he -said, ‘Get in line, please; one at a time, one at -a time, gentlemen.’”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>We Should Worry</h3> - -<p>The porch was dark. The hour was late. -The couple sat whispering among the shadows.</p> - -<p>“Mary,” called a voice, “it’s time for you to -come in.”</p> - -<p>No movement.</p> - -<p>“Come in, Mary.”</p> - -<p>Still no movement.</p> - -<p>He asked: “Don’t you mind your mother?”</p> - -<p>“Not unless you do, Jimmy.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Here’s Lookin’ Atchew!</h3> - -<p>Boy—“What is a grass widow?”</p> - -<p>Father—“A woman whose husband died -with the hay fever.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Something to Worry About</h3> - -<p>Among the things you read about but never -see is a crease in a fat man’s trousers.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>“Along the Road”</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I walked a mile with Pleasure;</div> -<div class="verse indent1">She chattered all the way,</div> -<div class="verse">But left me none the wiser</div> -<div class="verse indent1">For all she had to say.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I walked a mile with Sorrow</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And ne’er a word said she;</div> -<div class="verse">But oh, the things I learned from her</div> -<div class="verse indent1">When Sorrow walked with me!</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Broadway’s Leg Lane</h3> - -<p class="center">(From New York Times)</p> - -<p class="sans">HOMELESS HUSBANDS—If you want a friend, a pal—a -WIFE!—look for one like the Lonely Lady in BEAUTY AND -NICK. Such as she is rarely to be found in this, the age of sex -and shekels—surely not in the endless procession of poppy-painted -dames and damsels, young as youth, wrinkled as an -O’Shanter witch; all with skirts so tight as to make them goat-gaited; -so short that these bogus beauties have turned the most -beautiful Avenue of the world into a mere leg lane—a free rival -of the sash-clad ladies of a Broadway burlesque.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>These Were the Good Old Days</h3> - -<p>“Step up, boys! Ladies not allowed! See -for yourself. And we all paid the two bits and -saw a jackass.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Let me introduce myself. My name is Sol.</p> - -<p>Any relation to Lysol?</p> - -<p>No, Ingersoll. Watch me!</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Torch Pulls This One</h3> - -<p>It’s a long road that has no roadhouse.</p> - -<hr /> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Our Rural Mail Box</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p><b><i>Bridget</i></b>—Better put on your woolen socks, -Bridget, or you will catch cold in your lungs.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Andy Gump</i></b>—A continuous buzzing noise in -your ears is not always a sign of serious mental -trouble, or any other illness. It is probably the -first indication that your wife needs a new hat.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Sweet Marie</i></b>—You are mistaken, Marie. -The Scottish Highlanders are not members of -the Middlesex Regiment.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Weeping Winnie</i></b>—Cheer up, Winnie. You -are overdosed on pessimism and, in retrospection, -I feel sure you have presented a very sad -aspect to the cynics of humanity.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Queen Liz</i></b>—Your singing lessons may keep -the wolf away from the door, ’tis true, if the -wolf hears you.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>“You can’t pick me up—I’m not of that -metal,” said the piece of glass to the bar magnet.</i></b></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Naughty Nellie</i></b>—Where does your lap go -when you stand up?</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Willie Zatso</i></b>—It is considered bad manners -for children to stick their elbows out when cutting -their meat at dinner. You might make -your father cut his mouth.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">A knock-kneed man walked down the street. Said -the right knee to the left knee, “If you let me get around -this time I’ll let you get around next time.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Warm Stuff</h3> - -<p>I saw a dog chasing a jackrabbit down the -hill and it was so hot the dog and rabbit were -both walking. (Lie down, Fido, you’re all wet.)</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>We Clipped This</h3> - -<p>“I’ve got that down Pat,” said Mrs. Flanigan, -as she gave her son a dose of castor oil.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Bob—“You look sweet enough to eat.”</p> - -<p>Gert—“I do! Where shall we go?”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold"><i>Frank Adams in a recent Cosmopolitan -story describes the modern dance thusly:</i></p> - -<p class="bold"><i>“If there wasn’t any music they would be -arrested.”</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>My head is dizzy,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>My eyes are getting sore,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>That’s all for this issue,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>There ain’t any more.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="w20 bt-bb"> - -<h2><span class="u">The Winter Annual</span></h2> - -<p class="center"><i>CONTENTS</i></p> - -<ul> -<li><span class="smcap">Drippings from the Fawcett</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Girl in Blue Velvet Band</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Face on the Barroom Floor</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Frankie and Johnnie Blues</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Shooting of Dan McGrew</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Wedding of the Persian Cat</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Ace in the Hole</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Booze Fighter’s Dream</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Diary of a Divorcee</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Fable of the Bull</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Highty Tighty Aphrodite</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Golightly Highballs</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">How to Kiss Deliciously</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Hunting the Wily Pole Cat</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Mohammedan Bull</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Our Own Fairy Queen</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Tool House on the Farm</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Old Smokehouse</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Questions and Answers</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Gila Monster Route</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Pasture Pot Pourri</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Hooch Cure Blues</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Dying Hobo</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Lasca</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Sam’s Girl</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Toledo Slim</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Evolution</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Poppies</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">After the Raid</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Harpy</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Suicide</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Tarnished Goods</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Separation</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Little Red God</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Ladies</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Limber Kicks</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Naughty But Nice</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">To the Girl</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Rural Mail Box</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Tired Hired Man</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Life’s a Funny Proposition After All</span></li> -</ul> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="bbox w40 all-green"> - -<h2><i>Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22</i></h2> - -<p>256 pages of fun. The gems of 25 early -editions of Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang. Stories, -toasts, poems, drippings and pot pourri -comprise this greatest Whiz Bang book.</p> - -<p class="center bold"><i>Only a Few Left</i></p> - -<p>If your newsdealer’s supply is exhausted, -pin a dollar bill, or your check, money -order or stamps to the coupon below and -receive this peppy collection.</p> - -<hr class="all-green" /> - -<p class="hanging sans">Whiz Bang,<br /> -Robbinsdale, Minnesota.</p> - -<p class="noindent">Gentlemen:</p> - -<p>Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps -for $1.00 for which please send me the Winter Annual -of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of -1921-22.”</p> - -<div class="form">Name</div> - -<div class="form">Address</div> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="w20 green"> - -<p class="center larger"><i class="u all-green">Everywhere!</i></p> - -<p><i>Whiz Bang</i> is on sale -at all leading hotels, -news stands, 25 cents -single copies; on trains -30 cents, or may be -ordered direct from -the publisher at 25 -cents single copies; -two-fifty a year.</p> - -<p>One dollar for the -WINTER ANNUAL.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 200px;"> -<img src="images/bull.jpg" width="200" height="75" alt="A bull" /> -</div> - -</div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. -31, March, 1922, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, MARCH 1922 *** - -***** This file should be named 62558-h.htm or 62558-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/2/5/5/62558/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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