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+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #64642 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/64642)
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-The Project Gutenberg eBook of Frontier Humor in Verse, Prose and Picture,
-by Palmer Cox
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
-most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
-whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
-of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
-www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you
-will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before
-using this eBook.
-
-Title: Frontier Humor in Verse, Prose and Picture
-
-Author: Palmer Cox
-
-Release Date: February 27, 2021 [eBook #64642]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: UTF-8
-
-Produced by: Richard Tonsing, David Edwards, and the Online Distributed
-             Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was
-             produced from images generously made available by The Internet
-             Archive)
-
-*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FRONTIER HUMOR IN VERSE, PROSE AND
-PICTURE ***
-
-
-
-
-                             FRONTIER HUMOR
-                                   IN
-                       VERSE, PROSE AND PICTURE.
-
-
-                                   BY
-                              PALMER COX,
-          AUTHOR OF “QUEER PEOPLE,” “THE BROWNIES,” ETC., ETC.
-
-
-                              ILLUSTRATED.
-
-
-                      EDGEWOOD PUBLISHING COMPANY.
-
-
-
-
-       Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1889, by
-                             HUBBARD BROS.,
-    In the Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington, D. C.
-
-[Illustration: COMIC YARNS IN VERSE, PROSE AND PICTURE By PALMER COX
-AUTHOR OF QUEER PEOPLE, THE BROWNIES, ETC., ETC.]
-
-
-
-
-                          PUBLISHERS’ PREFACE.
-
-
-Not only is truth stranger than fiction, but it is funnier also. Just as
-some men have no eye for colors, but are color blind; so some men have
-no eye for fun, but are fun blind. Happy is the man who can see the
-humor which bubbles up in daily life; doubly happy he who, having seen,
-can tell the fun to others and so spread the glad contagion of a laugh;
-but thrice happy is the man who, having seen, can tell the fun; and
-having told, can picture it for others’ eyes and so roll on the
-rollicking humor, for the brightening of a world already far too sad.
-
-Palmer Cox is one who sees, and tells, and pictures all the fun within
-his reach, as this volume of Frontier Humor will certainly attest.
-
-
-
-
-                           TABLE OF CONTENTS.
-
-
-                                                  PAGE
-
-                 AH TIE—THAT DEADLY PIE,            17
-
-                 NEW YEAR’S CALLERS,                21
-
-                 SCENES ON THE SIDEWALK,            26
-
-                 SAM PATTERSON’S BALLOON,           31
-
-                 MY CANINE,                         53
-
-                 JIM DUDLEY’S FLIGHT,               56
-
-                 TRIALS OF THE FARMER,              67
-
-                 A CUNNING DODGE                    69
-
-                 A TERRIBLE TAKE IN,                73
-
-                 A FAMILY JAR,                      78
-
-                 THE ROD OF CORRECTION,             85
-
-                 GONE FROM HIS GAZE,                89
-
-                 ST. PATRICK’S DAY,                 91
-
-                 THE CONTENTED FROG,                97
-
-                 ALL FOOLS’ DAY,                   103
-
-                 FINDING A HORSE-SHOE,             107
-
-                 AN EVENING WITH SCIENTISTS,       117
-
-                 OUR TABLE GIRL,                   120
-
-                 AN OLD WOMAN IN PERIL,            122
-
-                 FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE,          128
-
-                 ODE ON A BUMBLE-BEE,              131
-
-                 DUDLEY AND THE GREASED PIG,       135
-
-                 CORA LEE,                         156
-
-                 A BRILLIANT FORENSIC EFFORT,      162
-
-                 VISITING A SCHOOL,                169
-
-                 THE REJECTED SUITOR,              171
-
-                 A NIGHT OF TERROR,                175
-
-                 MY DRIVE TO THE CLIFF,            178
-
-                 SECOND SIGHT,                     184
-
-                 THE THIEF,                        187
-
-                 A STARTLING CAT-ASTROPHE,         194
-
-                 A TRIP TO THE MOUNTAINS,          196
-
-                 AN IMPATIENT UNDERTAKER,          209
-
-                 SERMON ON A PIN,                  218
-
-                 DUDLEY’S FIGHT WITH THE TEXAN,    221
-
-                 ROLLER SKATING,                   242
-
-                 A TERRIBLE NOSE,                  243
-
-                 A MASKED BATTERY,                 249
-
-                 THE PRIZE I DIDN’T WIN,           257
-
-                 THE COUNTRYMAN’S TOOTH,           260
-
-                 MINING STOCKS,                    262
-
-                 ODE ON A FLEA,                    265
-
-                 FIGHTING IT OUT ON THAT LINE,     268
-
-                 DUDLEY’S FIGHT WITH DR. TWEEZER,  271
-
-                 MY NEIGHBOR WORSTED,              285
-
-                 THE BREATHING SPELL,              289
-
-                 A VISIT TO BENICIA,               290
-
-                 TOO MUCH OF INDIAN,               297
-
-                 GOING UP THE SPOUT,               299
-
-                 THE GLORIOUS FOURTH,              309
-
-                 JIM DUDLEY’S SERMON,              313
-
-                 THE POISONED PET,                 337
-
-                 SEEKING FOR A WIFE,               340
-
-                 DAVID GOYLE, THE MILLER MAN,      349
-
-                 HEELS UP AND HEADS DOWN,          360
-
-                 THE BITTER END,                   362
-
-                 A TRIP TO THE INTERIOR,           367
-
-                 HUNTING WITH A VENGEANCE,         385
-
-                 THE ART GALLERY,                  391
-
-                 A ROLLING STONE,                  396
-
-                 RIDING IN THE STREET CARS,        399
-
-                 SIMON RAND,                       408
-
-                 THE VALUE OF A COLLAR,            420
-
-                 QUAINT EPITAPHS,                  425
-
-                 MISTAKEN IDENTITY,                430
-
-                 FLIRTING, AND WHAT CAME OF IT,    435
-
-                 THE CHAMPION MEAN MAN,            436
-
-                 IN A THOUSAND YEARS,              452
-
-                 THE COBBLER’S END,                454
-
-                 THE LAST OF HIS RACE,             460
-
-                 JIM DUDLEY’S RACE,                462
-
-                 OLEOMARGARINE,                    481
-
-                 DINING UNDER DIFFICULTIES,        483
-
-                 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS,        486
-
-                 COURT-ROOM SCENES,                489
-
-                 THE MASON’S RIDE,                 493
-
-                 JUNE,                             497
-
-                 THE ANNIVERSARY,                  500
-
-                 A COUNTRY TOWN,                   503
-
-                 A TRIP ACROSS THE BAY,            507
-
-                 CHRISTMAS EVE,                    513
-
-
-
-
-                         LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.
-
-
-                                                   PAGE
-
-                Pictorial Title,                    iii
-
-                A Tight Place,                       19
-
-                Starting Out,                        23
-
-                A Little Mixed,                      24
-
-                The Ex-veteran of Waterloo,          27
-
-                A Miner who will soon be Minus,      28
-
-                May and December,                    30
-
-                Sam Patterson,                       32
-
-                Premature Ascent,                    37
-
-                Attempted Abduction of Sam’s Wife,   39
-
-                “Let Me Git Out,”                    41
-
-                “Go in, Cripple,”                    49
-
-                A Right Angled Try-ankle,            51
-
-                A Prey to Disease,                   54
-
-                Bob Browser,                         57
-
-                Old Hurley Welcomes Jim,             61
-
-                Old Hurley on the War Path,          65
-
-                A Happy Thought,                     68
-
-                Advance of the Cripple Brigade,      71
-
-                “Pay in Advance, Sir,”               75
-
-                Emperor Nelson, of San Francisco,    77
-
-                Stranger Who Went Not In,            79
-
-                The Stranger Who Went In,            83
-
-                A Rear Attack,                       87
-
-                Little Dog’s Leather Collar,         90
-
-                In the Morning,                      93
-
-                In the Evening,                      94
-
-                In Meditation,                       98
-
-                Bob’s Attack,                       101
-
-                Alas! Poor Frog,                    102
-
-                April,                              103
-
-                Sold,                               104
-
-                The Horse-shoe Charm,               109
-
-                Repairs Needed,                     113
-
-                The President of the Academy,       119
-
-                The Old Lady’s Ascent,              124
-
-                The Trying Moment,                  129
-
-                Judge Perkins,                      140
-
-                Bad for the Fruit Business,         143
-
-                Bow-legged Spinny,                  146
-
-                Nip and Tuck,                       151
-
-                More Light on the Subject,          154
-
-                The Chief,                          158
-
-                Behind the Bars,                    161
-
-                The Advocate,                       163
-
-                Bill of Divorce,                    167
-
-                Head of his Class,                  169
-
-                Foot of her Class,                  170
-
-                A Suitor Nonsuited,                 172
-
-                A Rousing Event,                    176
-
-                Slightly Embarrassing,              181
-
-                Badly Mixed,                        182
-
-                The Economist Seeing Double,        186
-
-                Richard Roe, the Sardine Thief,     189
-
-                The Judge,                          191
-
-                Neck to Neck,                       199
-
-                Steam let On,                       203
-
-                Blow me Up!                         207
-
-                Business is Business,               213
-
-                Bill After his Glass Eye,           223
-
-                The Ministerial Looking Man,        227
-
-                Startling Disclosures,              234
-
-                Busting his Bugle,                  244
-
-                The One-eyed Swede,                 250
-
-                Needed Air,                         254
-
-                The Best Shot,                      258
-
-                The Ascent,                         263
-
-                The Descent,                        264
-
-                Going for the Doctor,               274
-
-                Hands Up and Heads Down,            279
-
-                Alas! Poor Doctor,                  281
-
-                One of Heenan’s Mementoes,          292
-
-                A Scientific Opening,               294
-
-                An Object of Suspicion,             300
-
-                On a Raid,                          304
-
-                The Glorious Fourth,                309
-
-                Arousing the Dog,                   311
-
-                The Final Explosion,                312
-
-                Something New,                      314
-
-                The Doctor’s Scourge,               318
-
-                Joe Grimsby,                        322
-
-                Truth is Powerful,                  328
-
-                Mr. Spudd,                          331
-
-                The Old Interrogator,               332
-
-                Having a Quiet Time,                339
-
-                The Crone,                          341
-
-                Attending to Business,              345
-
-                Partner Wanted,                     347
-
-                The New Acquaintance,               353
-
-                A One-sided Operation,              357
-
-                Lively Work,                        364
-
-                A Mosquito on the Scent,            368
-
-                To the Hilt in Blood,               371
-
-                The Orchestra,                      374
-
-                Macbeth,                            378
-
-                Othello,                            379
-
-                A Startling Apparition,             383
-
-                Advance of the Expedition,          386
-
-                Boggs Retrieving his Game,          390
-
-                From a Painting by an Old Master,   392
-
-                Love’s Young Dream,                 394
-
-                A Through Passenger,                397
-
-                The Signal Station,                 400
-
-                Rather “Sloroppy,”                  403
-
-                Sniffing the Battle from Afar,      404
-
-                Alighting Gracefully,               407
-
-                Revenge is Sweet,                   411
-
-                The Exploring Party,                413
-
-                “Up he Comes,”                      416
-
-                Unpromising Outlook,                418
-
-                No Collar, No Crumbs,               422
-
-                The Sexton,                         429
-
-                The Clergyman in Limbo,             432
-
-                Sleepy Doby,                        440
-
-                Opening his Heart,                  444
-
-                Swearing to Get Even,               449
-
-                A Moving Scene,                     457
-
-                Slipping Off the Mortal Coil,       458
-
-                The Last of his Race,               460
-
-                Abe Drake,                          464
-
-                Kate Rykert,                        466
-
-                Mrs. O’Laughlan,                    472
-
-                Just as it Was,                     473
-
-                Curing People’s Corns,              478
-
-                Bummers on the Raid,                484
-
-                A Drowsy Jury,                      490
-
-                The Rocky Road to Masonry,          495
-
-                June,                               497
-
-                The Fire Department,                506
-
-                Peering into the Depths,            508
-
-                Good-Bye,                           509
-
-                Sketching from Nature,              510
-
-                So Sick!                            511
-
-                At the Rail,                        512
-
-
-
-
-                                AH TIE.
-                            THAT DEADLY PIE.
-
-
-[Illustration]
-
-  I Sing the woe and overthrow
-    Of one debased and sly,
-  Who entered soft a baker’s shop,
-    And stole a currant pie.
-
-  And not a soul about the place,
-    And no one passing by,
-  Chanced to detect him in the act,
-    Or dreamed that he was nigh.
-
-  The moon alone with lustre shone,
-    And viewed him from the sky,
-  And broadly smiled, as musing on
-    The sequel by and by.
-
-  Ah Tie began, while fast he ran,
-    To gobble down the pie,
-  Determined that, if caught at last,
-    No proof should meet the eye.
-
-  For not the fox, for cunning famed,
-    The crow, or weasel, sly,
-  Could with that erring man compare—
-    The heathen thief, Ah Tie.
-
-  But, blessings on the pastry man!
-    Oh! blessings, rich and high,
-  Upon the cook who cooked a rag
-    Within that currant pie!
-
-  Dim was the light, and large the bite
-    The thief to bolt did try,
-  And in his haste, along with paste,
-    He gulped the wiper dry.
-
-  So thus it proves that slight affairs
-    Do oft, as none deny,
-  For good or evil, unawares,
-    Be waiting with reply.
-
-  The influence of every plot,
-    Or action bold or sly,
-  Or good or bad, mistake or not,
-    Will speak, we may rely.
-
-  He strove in vain, with cough and strain.
-    And finger swallowed nigh,
-  Or in, or out, to force the clout,
-    Or turn the thing awry.
-
-  But tight as wadding in a gun,
-    Or cork in jug of rye,
-  The choking gag, but half-way down,
-    Fast in his throat did lie.
-
-[Illustration: A TIGHT PLACE.]
-
-  Not finger point, or second joint,
-    Or heaving cough, or pry,
-  Did seem to change its posture strange,
-    Or work a passage by.
-
-  The Lord was there, as everywhere—
-    His ways who can descry?
-  He turned to use the rag that missed
-    The cook’s incautious eye.
-
-  The race was short, as it must be
-    When lungs get no supply
-  Of ever needful oxygen,
-    The blood to purify.
-
-  It matters not how large or small
-    The man, or beast, or fly,
-  A little air must be their share,
-    Or else to life “good bye.”
-
-  Slow grew his pace, and black his face,
-    And blood-shot rolled his eye;
-  And from his nerveless fingers fell
-    The fragments of the pie.
-
-  The broken crust rolled in the dust,
-    While scattered currants fly;
-  But ah, the fatal part had gone
-    Upon its mission high.
-
-  Then down he dropped, a strangled man,
-    Without a witness nigh—
-  And Death, the grim old boatman, ran
-    His noiseless shallop by.
-
-
-
-
-                          NEW YEAR’S CALLERS.
-
-
-Heigh ho, the New Year is again upon us with its open houses, its “hope
-you’re wells,” and its “bye bye’s.”
-
-Let what will grow dull or rusty, the sweeping scythe of old Time is
-ever sharp and busy. How tempered must be that blade which nothing can
-dull or turn aside.
-
-Now as I sit by my window and look pensively out upon the streets I see
-them crowded with callers, all anxious to increase the number of their
-acquaintances. They ring, scrape, and wait. The door opens and they
-disappear from my view, but fancy pictures them out as they doubtless
-appear inside, embarrassed because of a painful dearth of words. The
-weather, fortunately, is a standing theme of conversation. It will
-always bear comment, and but for this how many callers—who perhaps can
-hardly come under the head of acquaintances—would wish themselves well
-out upon the street again, even before sampling the customary wine and
-cake.
-
-But Fashion is King, and when he nods, his satellites and minions must
-obey or perish. But I, who come not under the awe of his scepter, have
-few calls to make. With a leaking roof and no bolt to my door I can keep
-“open house” without going to the expense of procuring cake or wine, and
-for this left-handed blessing may the Lord make me truly thankful.
-
-[Illustration: STARTING OUT.]
-
-I have been sitting by my window most of the day, watching gentlemen—who
-were not so fortunate as myself. And I notice with considerable pain—for
-as reader and writer cannot understand each other too soon, I may as
-well inform you at once that I am a philanthropist—that some of these
-callers present an aspect in the evening quite different from their
-festive morning appearance. Here, for instance, is a sketch of an
-exquisite as he appears when starting to make his numerous calls. Mark
-what grace is in every movement as he struts the pavement with military
-precision, adjusting his lavender-colored kids as he goes. There is
-something in the airy set of his stylish new stove-pipe, in the very
-easy elegance of manner with which he holds the crystal orb over his
-left optic, that bespeaks the born gentleman. Not to a rise in stocks,
-he would tell you, or a lucky lottery ticket, does he owe his carriage,
-but to a line of ancestors which he can trace back, perhaps, to the very
-loins of William the Conqueror.
-
-[Illustration: A LITTLE MIXED.]
-
-Look now upon _this_ picture. The unpracticed eye could hardly recognize
-the gentleman, and yet this is the same sociable but absent-minded
-individual, as he appeared in the evening frogging up the steps of the
-dwelling opposite, to make his third call upon the same family. He is
-evidently “turned around,” poor fellow. Ah, this mixing of coffee, tea,
-and wine, not to mention stronger potations, will play the mischief with
-a man, and no mistake about it. The young ladies, with mouths ajar and
-dilated eyes, look out upon him through partially closed blinds. But he
-recks not of it as he leans backward, pulling and jerking at the bell
-knob as though he was drawing on a tight boot. The bell-hanger will
-doubtless have a job in that house to-morrow. The question naturally
-arises, will they chalk the gentleman down as a caller each time he
-favors them with his presence? Now that I think of it, they might do so
-with an easy conscience, for he is certainly not the man he was when he
-first offered the compliments of the day.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                        SCENES ON THE SIDEWALK.
-
-
-  I sit at my window to view the odd sights,
-  And whatever to study or action invites
-  Upon the white paper before me I spread,
-  By aid of my constant companion, the Lead.
-
-  A lady of Fashion sails by like a queen,
-  With ruffles and lace, and her _satin de chine_;
-  Her shimmering train as it now sweeps the street,
-  Is sadly ensnaring a gentleman’s feet.
-  It is painfully plain an apology’s due;
-  But which should apologize first of the two?
-
-[Illustration: THE EX-VETERAN OF WATERLOO.]
-
-  And next, an old man full of years shuffles by,
-  His nose to the dust, and his back to the sky;
-  The few snowy hairs that still cling to his head
-  Far down o’er his collar untidily spread.
-  And who now would think that the feeble, dry hand
-  That hardly can free the rude cane from the sand,
-  Once swung a long saber, that cut its way through
-  The cuirassiers’ helmets at famed Waterloo?
-  Old Time warps the figure firm-knitted and square,
-  He sharpens the feature, he blanches the hair,
-  And bows the proud head, be it ever so high;
-  This much hath he done for the man passing by.
-
-[Illustration: A MINER WHO WILL SOON BE MINUS.]
-
-  Away, to the fields of the diamond and ruby,
-  The miner sets out, like a consummate booby;
-  What loads the poor fellow proposes to pack:
-  His rifle, his shovel, his grub, and his sack;
-  His rifle to guard against numerous ills,
-  His shovel to shovel his way to the hills,
-  The long leather sack he bears in his hand,
-  To hold the bright gems he may pick from the sand;
-  In fancy I see him ascend the steep hill,
-  Or traverse the plain with his sack empty still;
-  While down on his head ever scorching-hot rays
-  Descend from th’ unclouded sun like a blaze,—
-  Too far from his friends, and too nigh to his foes,
-  Who welcome the stranger with arrows and bows,
-  And rifles, and war-clubs, and hatchets of stone,
-  And weapons for scalping, and lances of bone.
-  Trudge on to your treasure (?), poor dupe of the knave
-  And prey of the savage—pass on to your grave.
-
-  Now stepping as one, see the new-married pair
-  Emerge from the church. What a contrast is there!
-  Come haste to the window and gaze out with me—
-  Ere they enter their carriage the pair you may see.
-  Oh, May and December! extremes of the year,
-  When linked thus together, how odd they appear;
-  The bride in her teens, with a mind as unstable
-  As ladders of fame, or a medium’s table;
-  With a riotous pulse, and her blood all aglow
-  With the fervor of passion, of pleasure, and show.
-  The bridegroom is pussy, rheumatic and old,
-  His teeth are in rubber, his blood thin and cold;
-  His nose tells a tale of inordinate drams,
-  The gout has laid hold of his corn-laden yams;
-  The hairs on his cranium scattering stand,
-  Like ill-nourished blades on a desert of sand.
-
-  I muse as I gaze on their arms softly twined;
-  How soon some young maidens can alter their mind!
-  ’Tis scarcely three weeks since I heard her declare,
-  When speaking of him who now walks by her there,
-  In marriage she never would give him her hand
-  Though rolling in gems, like a horse in the sand.
-  But she clings to him now, as a green, sappy vine
-
-[Illustration: MAY AND DECEMBER.]
-
-  Embraces the trunk of a time-honored pine;
-  While her looks and her manner would seem to imply
-  That she never before on a man cast an eye;
-  But I, delving back through the layers of Time,
-  Exhume the pale ghost of a youth in his prime,
-  Whose feelings were tortured, whose reason was muddied,
-  Whose pistol was emptied, whose temple was ruddied;
-  Because of coquetry so heartless and strange,
-  Her passion for diamonds, her longing for change.
-
-  Pass on, happy bride, with your beaming young face;
-  May happiness still with your moments keep pace,
-  And never mistrust pierce the groom at your side
-  That wealth, and not virtues, have won him his bride.
-
-
-
-
-                        SAM PATTERSON’S BALLOON.
-
-
-Last night while a party of us were sitting around the table in the
-cabin of the _New World_, talking about the “Avitor” and aerial sailing
-generally, our conversation was interrupted by a dark, raw-boned Hoosier
-who had entered the cabin shortly after the steamer left her wharf. He
-kept squirming on his chair for some time, and was evidently anxious to
-take part in the conversation. “I say, boys, I’m Sam Patterson,” he
-commenced at last, “and if this yer dish is free and no one han’t no
-objections, I’d like mi’ty well to dip _my_ spoon in.”
-
-[Illustration: SAM PATTERSON.]
-
-All turned to look at the speaker. Even the fat old gentleman who during
-our conversation had not taken his eyes from the _Christian Guardian_ he
-was reading, stretched up and peered over the top of the paper at Sam.
-Before any one could reply the Hoosier gave his chair a hitch nigher the
-table and went on:
-
-“I say, boss,” he continued, addressing his conversation to me, perhaps
-because I had just been expressing my opinion, “I don’t go a picayune on
-navigatin’ the air. They ain’t no need of talkin’ and gassin’ about
-crossin’ the ’tlantic or any of them foolish ventur’s. I happen to know
-somethin’ about balloonin’, and understand pooty near what you _can_ do
-and what you _can’t_ do with one of them fellers. I’d a plag’y sight
-ruther undertake to cross the ocean in a dug-out, than ventur’ in one of
-them tricky cobwebs; you can’t depend on ’em. Thar like a flea—when a
-man thinks he’s got ’em he hain’t.”
-
-“Perhaps you are misled by prejudice?” I ventured to remark.
-
-“No, I ain’t nuther,” answered the Hoosier, “I speak from experience.
-I’ve bin thar.”
-
-“Oh! you have given the aeronautic science some attention then?” I said.
-“An inventor, I presume?”
-
-“Wal, no. I don’t exactly claim to be an inventor,” he replied; “I
-reckon I foller’d on the old plan, exceptin’ in the material used in
-constructin’.”
-
-“Did you ever make an ascension?” I asked.
-
-“Wal, yes, I’ve bin up _some_,” he answered dryly.
-
-“Have you ever been very high?” inquired the fat old gentleman, who
-seemed to grow interested.
-
-“Perhaps not so high as eagles or turkey-buzzards fly, but a mi’ty sight
-higher than barn-yard fowls ventur’,” answered the Hoosier. “You see,”
-he continued, “I was stayin’ down to Orleans once for about a week, and
-thar was a professor had a balloon in the park hitched to a stake, and
-he was histin’ people up the length of the rope for two bits a head. I
-stepped into the cradle that was a hangin’ to it, and went up the length
-of the rope, and liked it pooty well. I went up three or four times and
-made considerable inquiries about the manner of constructin’ and
-inflatin’, as I was cal’latin to rig up one when I got hum to
-Tuckersville.
-
-“When I got back I telled Sal what I was bent on doin’. She tried pooty
-hard to git the notion out of my head, but t’was stuck thar, like a bur
-to a cow’s tail. I telled her it mout be the makin’ of us, so arter a
-while she gin in, and as silk was too alfired expensive Sal gin me a lot
-of bed sheets and helped me sew ’em together down in the cellar. We put
-it together down thar ’cause I didn’t want any of the neighbors to know
-what was up, until I could astonish ’em some fine mornin’ by risin’
-above the hull caboodle, and for wunst lookin’ down on some on ’em that
-was snuffin’ around and tryin’ to look down on me mi’ty bad.
-
-“I used a rousin’ great corn basket for the cradle, and arter she was
-all ready for inflatin’ I had my life insured, ’cause I didn’t want Sal
-to suffer by any of my ventur’s. Then I went to Sol Spence, the lawyer,
-and had him draw up the writin’s of a will, and while he was doin’ it he
-worked the balloon secret out of me, and wanted me to take him along. I
-telled him ’twas pooty risky business, and that he’d hev to run some
-chances, as I was cal’latin’ on seein’ what clouds war made of before I
-came down. He said them war his sentiments exactly; that he allers had a
-great hankerin’ to git up thar and see what sort of a spongy thing they
-war, anyhow.
-
-“I didn’t object much; I reckoned the sheets war good for it, though he
-went over two hundred, but I cal’lated he’d do instead of ballast, and
-be company besides. So I took some bed cord and slung another corn
-basket below the one I was gwine in, and after dark we hauled the great
-floppy thing out into the back yard, and arter we got it histed up on
-stakes we commenced buildin’ fires under her to git the gas up and
-gittin’ things ready ginnerally. About sun-up we had her all ready to
-step into. Spence had his sketch book along, cal’latin’ on taking some
-bird’s-eye views, and I had a bottle of tea, cal’latin’ to empty it
-gwine up, and fill it with rain water while up thar. The thing was
-a-wallopin’ and rollin’ around the yard mi’ty impatient to git off. I
-hitched her first to the grindstone frame, but she was snakin’ that
-around the yard, and the dogs commenced sech an all-fired yelpin’ and
-scuddin’ round and watchin’ of it through the fence, that we were
-obliged to put ’em in the cellar, ’cause we didn’t want the hull
-neighborhood attractid by ther barkin’. Then we fastened the balloon to
-the shed post, and left Sal to watch her while we war eatin’ a snack of
-breakfast. Pooty soon arter we heard Sal a-shoutin’ that she was a-gwine
-off with the wood-shed. So we ran out mi’ty lively, and had no time to
-spare, nuther. I jumped up and caught one rope, and Spence got hold of
-another. We couldn’t fetch it down till Sal caught hold of my leg, and
-between us three we pulled it back agin.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-“She gin a sort of puff and come down pooty sudden when near the ground,
-and one of the posts of the shed came fair onto the back of a leetle pet
-hog that was rootin’ round the yard, and knuckled his back down into the
-chips, leavin’ his head and hinder parts stickin’ up. He commenced sich
-an uproarious squealin’ you could hear him more’n two miles. While
-Spence and I were fussin’ at the ropes to unloose her from the shed, she
-took another sudden start up agin and shot away from us quicker than
-scat. Sal happened to have hold of a rope at the time, and up she went
-into the air, scootin’ like a rocket. Sal was a plucky critter. Shoot
-me, if she wasn’t as full of grit as a sandstone. She could have let go
-that rope, but she wouldn’t; she wanted to fetch the consarn down agin,
-and was bound to cling to her until she did. Blow me, if I didn’t think
-for a while I was goin’ to lose the old woman. Thar she was a-hangin’ on
-to the end of the rope, hollerin’ like a hull regiment chargin’ a
-battery, and trailin’ and swingin’ about without any notion of lettin’
-go.
-
-[Illustration: ATTEMPTED ABDUCTION OF SAM’S WIFE.]
-
-“We had a lively time of it gettin’ her down agin too, now I can tell
-you. I jumped over a fence into the garden, and snatchin’ up a rake
-commenced to scrape at her, and finally the teeth caught in her dress,
-and then I had a pooty good hold so long as Sal was good for it. Spence
-got hold of another rope that was danglin’ around, so between us we got
-her down the second time. Then I sung out to Spence, ‘Spence,’ ses I,
-‘climb into yer basket and let’s be off, or the hull town will be here
-and stop us gwine.’ So we clim’ into our baskets and flung out Sal’s
-flatirons, that we had for ballast, and up we shot like a spark up a
-chimney. I hollered back to Sal to put the hog out of pain and stop the
-squeakin’, and the last I seed of her as we went round the gable, she
-was a whackin’ him over the head with the back of an ax, and he was a
-hollerin’ wuss and wuss.
-
-“The wind took the balloon over a swamp back of the village, where no
-person seemed to see us, and then the world began to drop away pooty
-nicely. ’Twant long till I heered Spence callin’ out, mi’ty skeered
-like:—
-
-[Illustration: “LET ME GIT OUT!”]
-
-“‘I guess, Sam, you mout as well land her and let me git out.’
-
-“‘Are you afeered, Spence?’ ses I, jest that way.
-
-“‘No,’ he answered. ‘I arn’t afeered, but I reckon my fam’ly would be
-mi’ty uneasy about this time if they knowed whar I was, and I begin to
-feel pooty sowlicitous about ’em.’
-
-“‘This yer thing is somethin’ like law,’ I ses, ‘when yer’ into her
-you’ve got to keep goin’ till somethin’ gins out. She hasn’t got a rope
-a holdin’ of her down now, Spence, and as for yer’ fam’ly, I reckon
-the’re a mi’ty sight safer than you be, so if you have any spare
-sowlicitude, you had better be a tuckin’ it onto yourself. ‘Sides,’ I
-contin’ed, ‘I hain’t studied into the lettin’ down part of it half so
-much as into the rizin’.’
-
-“‘Jerusalem!’ he shouted. ‘I thought you war famil’ar with the hull
-thing or I’d have as soon thought of gwine up in a whirlwind.’
-
-“‘I fancy I do know considerable about it,’ I ses.
-
-“‘Then why can’t you stop her right here?’ he hollered, lookin’ up,
-pooty pale.
-
-“‘I cal’late we’ve got to keep ascendin’ while the gas holds out,’ I
-answered.
-
-“‘Thunder and lightnin’!’ he hollered, jest that way, ‘and what are you
-agwine to do arter the gas gins out?’
-
-“‘I reckon,’ ses I, ‘we’ll come down agin.’
-
-“‘A flukin’?’ he asked.
-
-“‘Perhaps so,’ ses I. ‘I cal’late we’ll come down faster than we’re
-gwine up, but I’m hopin’ to catch an undercurrent of a’r that will sweep
-us along, and let us down sort of gently.’
-
-“Just as we war talkin’ somethin’ gin a whoppin’ crack overhead, and she
-began to drop down by the run pooty lively.
-
-“‘What’s that?’ shouted Spence. ‘I think I hear a sort of tearin’ noise
-up thar; ain’t somethin’ ginnin’ out?’
-
-“‘I reckon the old woman’s sheets have commenced to gin out,’ I said,
-kind of careless like, though beginnin’ to feel mi’ty narvous all to
-wunst. On lookin’ down, I seed Spence was a cranin’ out of the basket
-and lookin’ down, jest as pale as could be.
-
-“‘Sufferin’ pilgrims!’ he shouted. ‘Can’t you throw out somethin’, Sam,
-and lighten her a leetle? She’s droppin’ straight down, like an
-aerolite.’
-
-“‘I hain’t got anythin’ to throw out exceptin’ the tea bottle, and that
-ar’ is e’enmost empty,’ I ses. ‘I cal’late we’ve got to take our
-chances; if you hain’t forgot yer childhood prayers, you mout as well be
-a runnin’ of ’em over, for things are beginnin’ to look mi’ty skeery
-jest now, I can tell ye.’
-
-“Pooty soon I heer’d him a mumblin’ to himself, and I allers allowed he
-was prayin.’
-
-“We war now about steeple high, and as I had expected, the wind caught
-us and began to sweep us around pooty loose. As we went wallopin’ over
-St. Patrick’s church, Spence’s basket struck the spire and was a
-spillin’ of him out like a lobster out of a market basket. I peered over
-and seed he was e’enmost gone, so I hollered, ‘Go for the spire, Spence,
-it’s your only chance.’ He seemed to be of the same mind, for as I spoke
-he was a grabbin’ for it and managed to git hold of one end of the
-weather-vane. I reckon if he had got hold on both ends he’d ha’ bin all
-right; but things war gettin’ desperate and he had to take what come.
-The balloon riz some when he fell out, and as it was a movin’ off I
-looked back to see how he was a makin’ it. He was a hangin’ thar like a
-gymnast, a kickin’ and a wormin’ and the steeple a rockin’. But he was
-too awful heavy; he couldn’t draw himself up nohow. Pooty soon the tail
-of the fish gin out, and down he slid along the steeple like a shot coon
-down a ’simmon tree.
-
-“Fortunately he struck the roof and over it he rolled, clawin’ and a
-scratchin’ the shingles as he went. But it was ‘all go and no whoa,’ as
-the boy said when he was a slidin’ the greased banister. Old Father
-McGillop was just comin’ out of the vestry door after matins as Spence
-come a scootin’ over the eaves and down kerflumix right on top of him.
-This, ye see, sort of broke the fall for Spence, but it spread the
-distress. He was so heavy and come with such force he disjinted the neck
-of his Riverence, and shoved it so far down into the body that his ears
-were restin’ on the shoulders. They had to git a shovel to dig him out
-of the ground, and Doc Willoughby was a fussin’ over him more than five
-hours, a yankin’ his neck out of his body, and pressin’ his ears into
-shape, and”——
-
-“Stop now,” said the fat old chap, who was worked up to the top notch of
-attention, “do you mean to say he lived after his neck was dislocated?”
-
-“Wal, I reckon, boss,” said the narrator, as he took a fresh quid of
-tobacco, “I hain’t made no sech unreasonable assertion. I was sayin’
-they hauled his neck back, and put his ears in place agin (or ruther one
-of ’em, for the butcher’s dog eat t’other one before the old sexton
-could git to it), so that he mout make somethin’ like a decent
-appearance in the coffin.
-
-“Soon as Spence went over the eave I lost sight of him, for I was
-drivin’ pooty briskly over Kent’s corn patch, and as I came sweepin’
-down by the widder O’Donnell’s she was in the yard gittin’ an apron full
-of chips. I reckon she heer’d a burrin’ sound overhead, ’cause she
-looked up, and when she seed the balloon she gin a squall and cried out
-somethin’ about protection. I reckoned she was callin’ on the saints,
-but had no time just then to listen. Before she had gone many steps she
-dropped, and I allowed she had gone down in a faintin’ fit.
-
-“I was a drivin’ and a driftin’ over the village like a thistle-down,
-for more than two hours, and the dogs war a barkin’ and the men and
-wimmin a hollerin’ and a runnin’ arter it wherever it drifted. The
-barn-yard fowls war a cacklin’ and a screamin’. Jewillikens! didn’t I
-make a rumption among them though! You’d think thar war forty thousand
-hawks and turkey-buzzards a hoverin’ over the village, by the way they
-scattered, aginst the winders, ahind stun walls, into the wells, under
-lumber piles and currint bushes; such a scrougin’ and squattin’ and
-scootin’ I never did see. Parson Jones had thirteen lights of glass
-smashed by fowls batterin’ aginst the winders tryin’ to git in, and Dud
-Davis, the blacksmith, fished seven dead hens, two turkeys, a guinea
-fowl, and two small pigs out of his well next day, whar they sought
-refuge and war drown’d. Dad Kent gin me six traces of good seed corn
-next fall. He said barrin’ the killin’ of Priest McGillop, it was the
-best thing that ever happened in Tuckersville. He said I did more for
-his crop than if he had a scarecrow standin’ astride every hill. Thar
-wasn’t a crow flew within two miles of the village for mor’n a
-fortnight, and by that time the corn was grown so they couldn’t pull it
-up.
-
-“Pooty soon the balloon come down about house high and druv over toward
-the dee-pot. I was a hopin’ she’d catch on the telegraph wire, but she
-skimm’d over, like a swallow over a fence, and immediately riz up tree
-high agin, where scrape, slap, slash, she went into an ole pine that
-stood out alone in the field. I was scratched pooty bad, but hung on to
-the limbs, and arter a while slid down the tree leavin’ the balloon
-hangin’ in the tree-top. Great turnips! if all Tuckersville wasn’t down
-thar in five minutes. Thar war young ‘uns runnin’ around half-dressed,
-with corn-dodgers in their hands, and wimmin with babies in their arms.
-It was like a dog fight, only, as the feller said when describin’ the
-nigger by the mulatter, it was more so.
-
-[Illustration: “GO IN, CRIPPLE.”]
-
-“The train was delayed half an hour that mornin’, ’cause the engineer,
-conductor and all hands jumped off the cars and ran down to the balloon.
-Peg-leg Dibbly, the Mexican war veteran, was thar, hobblin’ around among
-the rest. He was in such a hurry to git down to the tree he wouldn’t go
-around by the road, but started in to take a short cut across the marsh
-with the crowd. And he had a sweet, sweatin’ time of it too, now I can
-assure you. First his cane would stick, and just about the time he would
-git that out, down would slide his iron-shod leg fully a foot into the
-mud, and stake him thar like a scarecrow. Then he would look down to
-where the people were standin’, and jerk and swear until the want of
-breath only would make him let up. He got down thar after a while
-though, but he had to crawl considerable before he could do it; and
-arter he got thar he was bobbin’ here and bobbin’ thar, tryin’ to git a
-better look up into the tree, until at last he stumbled and fell across
-one of Dud Davis’ young ‘uns, and gin her left leg a compound fractur’.
-She set up a screamin’, and he was so weak and frightened he couldn’t
-git up agin no how, but lay thar gruntin’, and sprawlin’, and kickin’
-his one leg around. The blacksmith was thar himself, and when he seed
-his young ’un down in the mud with her leg broke, you never seed a man
-so mad in all your born days. He jest ran and grabbed the old pensioner
-by the coat collar, and slung him mor’n fifteen feet, landin’ him
-slidin’ on his back in the mud, like a crawfish.
-
-[Illustration: A RIGHT ANGLED TRY-ANKLE.]
-
-“About the same time Tubbs, the cooper, was a lookin’ up, and he seed a
-bough springin’ up, and he allowed the balloon was comin’ down; so he
-started to run, and stepped on the foot of Kent’s snappin’ bull-dog,
-that was a settin’ thar lookin’ up the tree, thinkin’ thar must be a
-coon up it. The cur whirled round mad, and set his teeth into the
-nighest thing to him, which happened to be old Polly Alien’s ankle. But
-he got more than he bargained for, though, for she was so tuff that his
-teeth stuck thar, and she was a screamin’ and a runnin’ hum, draggin’
-him arter her mor’n half the way. I never did see sich an excitin’ time.
-School was dismissed, and there wasn’t a lick of work done in
-Tuckersville the hul day. The hul talk was ‘Sam Patterson’s balloon, Sam
-Patterson’s balloon.’ I didn’t have to pay a picayune for anything for
-mor’n three weeks. Parson Jones preached a tellin’ sermon about the
-balloon, and thar wasn’t standin’ room in the church; they had to keep
-the windows open and let people standin’ on the outside stick their
-heads in and listen. He likened it first to youth, when it was a rollin’
-around in the back yard, whar nobody seed it, impatient and ambitious to
-rise. Then like unto manhood, when it was up, a bustin’ and droppin’
-down agin. Next he said it resembled old age, when it was in rags a
-floppin’ around in the tree, more for observation than use. Thar wasn’t
-hardly a dry eye in the hul meetin’ house. Hard-hearted old sinners
-cried like teethin’ babies.
-
-“The balloon hung in the tree all summer, and every day thar’d be a
-crowd of people starin’ at it, like cats at a bird cage. A photographer
-came the hul way from town, and took lots of views of the remains; and
-one of Frank Leslie’s special artists come rattlin’ down thar, and sot
-on a stun wall for two days drawin’ sketches of it. He said it was the
-most spirited subject he had sot eyes on since he sketched the
-hoop-skirt Jeff Davis was captured in. But I’m gettin’ ruther dry. Ain’t
-some of you fellers agwine to call on the stimilints?”
-
-
-
-
-                               MY CANINE.
-
-        “If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.”
-                                                  _Shakespeare._
-
-
-  Some fond poets sing of their lady-love’s eyes,
-    Or lovers who sail the seas over;
-  But poet-like I shall gaze up at the skies,
-    And muse of my little dog Rover.
-
-  The canine I sing, to disease is a prey;
-    The mange, the distemper, and flea,
-  Have all had their turn, and have worn him away;
-    His shadow you scarcely can see.
-
-  From earliest light, until late in the night,
-    He’s dodging hot water and sticks;
-  I’m shamed to confess it, but truth I must write,
-    He’s a foot-ball that every one kicks.
-
-  I hear his thin cry, and his frightened “ki-yi,”
-    Almost any hour of the day;
-  And Bridget’s “Bad ’cess to the likes of your Skye,
-    Sure he’s here, and he’s there like a flay.”
-
-[Illustration]
-
-  Upon his poor body the hair has all died,
-    ’Tis smooth and as bare as your hand;
-  I vow I believe there’s no life in his hide,
-    It looks just as if it were tanned.
-
-  His blood is so thin that he never is warm,
-    And keenly he feels the cold weather;
-  He shivering stands with tail end to the storm,
-    And his four feet all huddled together.
-
-  He suffers sad woe, as his body doth show,
-    His face bears a hopeless expression;
-  He seems to be wondering why he’s a foe,
-    Who never commits a transgression.
-
-  He’s only a dog in the dark to be sure,
-    But I who am mourning his plight,
-  Know accident often exalts the low boor,
-    And crowds merit down out of sight.
-
-  How oft do we see the chief dunce of the town,
-    With head like a turnip or melon,
-  Advanced to the Bench, or clergyman’s gown,
-    Though thought to be born for a felon.
-
-  Dost laugh at my song? Well I care not a pin,
-    My notion I never shall lose;
-  I know that my dog hath a spirit within,
-    That cannot be crushed by abuse.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                          JIM DUDLEY’S FLIGHT.
-
-
-That blabbing Hoosier, Bob Browser, has found me out, and paid me a
-call, boring me with his confounded stories. Even as a hungry parrot
-when crackers are in view, or as a miller’s hopper when water is high
-and the farmer’s meal bags low, he rattles right along with copious
-discourse.
-
-“What’s that you say! Did you know Jim Dudley? What! him as the boys in
-Gosport used to call Carrot Top Jim? Wal, I’ll be rattled if that ain’t
-queer. Wasn’t he the allfiredest shirk you ever did see? Perhaps you
-remember how sudden he left Gosport jest before the war? Oh, that’s so,
-sure enough, you went north sometime afore that.
-
-[Illustration: BOB BROWSER.]
-
-“Wal, that chap was etarnally gettin’ in some scrape or another; I do
-jest think I’ve helped that Jim out of more close corners than there are
-buildin’s in this yer town. Yer see him and me was great chums, and
-roomed at the same house on York Street. Jim was a courtin’ a butcher’s
-darter that lived out near the cem’t’ry for ‘bout a year afore he left,
-leastwise he was a totin’ of her around considerable, takin’ her to
-picnics, circuses, hoss races, and the like. I kind of had my doubts
-about him gettin’ married, ’cause he was a pooty sot ole batch’, and
-sometimes I’d ask him when the nuptils were a comin’ off; but he’d
-allers shuffle out of it by sayin’ when they did come I’d git an invite,
-and kind of larf it off jest that way.
-
-“One night pooty soon arter I had got into bed I heered some one
-thumpin’ at my door, and afore I had time to say anythin’ Jim Dudley was
-plum across the room and standin’ by the bedside.
-
-“‘Bob,’ ses he, jest that way, ‘we’ve got to part agin’ and I’ve come to
-gin your paw a shake afore I leave.’
-
-“‘What’s up now, Jim?’ ses I, pooty surprised and settin’ up amazin’
-fast in bed to strike a light, ’cause I allers liked Jim. Drat my
-pictur, if I didn’t. He stuck to me like a hoss-leech when I was down
-with the yaller fever. I was peeled down so mi’ty thin that I didn’t
-make a shadder only arter I’d been eatin’ corn-dodgers or somethin’ that
-wasn’t transparent. Soon as I got a light I seed his face was tombstun
-white exceptin’ some long red scratches onto it, that made me think thar
-had been cats a-clawin’ of him.
-
-“‘I haint time to gin perticulars now, but water’s gettin’ too plaguey
-shaller for me in Gosport,’ ses he, jest that way. ‘And I’m gwine to
-pull out for deeper soundin’s. I want to head off the night express, and
-as I’ve got only fifteen minutes to do it in, must be a movin’,’ and
-givin’ my hand a rattlin’ shake he turned, and before I could say
-‘scat,’ he was goin’ down the stairs like a bucket fallin’ down a well,
-and I thought he hadn’t more than got to the middle of the flight when I
-heer’d the door slam behind him.
-
-“I lay awake thar for hours thinkin’ and wonderin’ what on airth could
-have turned up to make Jim dust out of town so all-fired sudden, bein’
-as how he was doin’ pooty well pecun’ar’ly—that is, for _him_.
-
-“I kind of mistrusted somethin’ had gone wrong with him out to old
-Hurley’s—the butcher’s. So the next day, bein’ kind of curious, I took a
-stroll out that way, to look around a leetle and see what was goin’ on.
-I seed a glaz’er a fussin’ round a winder, and old Hurley sittin’ on the
-steps lookin’ mi’ty solemn at a hat—which I knowed was Jim’s—that was
-a-hangin’ on a bush in the garden.
-
-“Some months arter this the war was a bilin’ and I jined a company and
-went down to Cairo to go into camp. By jingo! would you believe it?
-almost the first man I ran ag’in’ was Jim Dudley! He’d enlisted in a
-hoss regiment up to St. Louis, and come down to camp a few days afore
-me. We were both mi’ty tickled to meet one another right thar, so we
-p’inted for a place where we could have a straight-out chat, and while
-we were sittin’ thar, talkin’ about old times, ses I to him:—
-
-“‘Jim, now we’re a gwine down into this blamed muss, and the chances are
-pooty good for us to git chawed up down thar, and nothin’ more to be
-heer’d about us—now s’posin’ you tell a feller what made you pull up
-stakes and dust from Gosport so amazin’ fast, last Fall.’
-
-“‘Wal, Bob,’ ses he, ‘seein’ we’ve met agin, I don’t mind if I do
-‘lighten you a leetle in regard to my leavin’ so sudden. You remember
-I’d bin over to Franklin some time afore I left, and jest got back to
-Gosport that day, and in the evenin’ I started out to see Mag. I was a
-hopin’ the old man wouldn’t be to hum—he ginerally was away Saturday
-nights.
-
-[Illustration: OLD HURLEY WELCOMES JIM.]
-
-“‘’Twas dark afore I got there, leastwise the bats were a flitterin’
-aroun’ the gables and apple trees, a-lookin’ for thar suppers. I gin the
-bell-knob a jerk anyhow, and pooty soon old Hurley hisself came to the
-door, with a candle in his hand. He was in his shirt-sleeves, and I
-reckon he had jest come hum from work. He kind of gin a start, as though
-he was surprised to see me; and I gin a start, too, and jumped back from
-the door pooty quick, for I thought I heer’d him grit his teeth a
-leetle—somethin’ like a sheep arter she’s bin eatin’ beans—but I wasn’t
-sartain.
-
-“‘Come in, M-i-s-t-e-r Dudley,’ ses he, kind of low and coaxin’ like. ‘I
-hope you’ve bin enjoyin’ good health. I hope you’ve come prepared to
-stop with us awhile.’
-
-“Thankin’ him for his kind wishes, I follered him along, wonderin’ what
-in time made him so amazin’ solicitous for my health all to wunst,
-’cause I knowed the old man hated me worse than a rat does pizen.
-
-“He didn’t stop in the parlor where some folks were sittin’, but kept on
-into a small room, beck’nin’ me to foller, which I did, though I was
-beginnin’ to feel pooty suspicious about the old feller’s movements.
-
-“‘Stay here a minute, Mr. Dudley,’ ses he, arter I had sot down. ‘Make
-yourself comfortable until I come back agin,’ he continued, jest that
-way, and then he stepped out.
-
-“I tell you, I begun to feel wonderful fidgity and kind of prickly down
-along the spine; and when I heer’d the old man comin’ back, and heer’d
-his feet slappin’ down heavier and faster than when he went out, then I
-knowed thar’ was trouble ahead. I could feel a distressin’ presentiment
-jest a-bubblin’ through my veins, and limberin’ up all my jints.
-
-“Pooty soon the old man came in, a-holdin’ his left hand in front of him
-doubled up tight as though for boxin’, and keepin’ his right hand ahind
-him, kind of careless like, as though ’twas there by accident. I knowed
-’twas no nat’ral position, and kept peerin’ round, for I ’spected he had
-a cow-hide, and was calculatin’ to gin me a sound tannin’; but when he
-went to shet the door ahind him, I got a glimpse of the alfiredest great
-butcher’s cleaver you ever yet sot eyes on, a-shinin’ jest as bright as
-could be. Jerusalem! if that bone-splitter didn’t make me begin to feel
-tarnation uneasy, then thar’s no use sayin’ it. My heart flopped up so
-far into my throat it actewelly seemed as though I could taste it.
-
-“‘I’ve got very pressin’ business down town, and guess I’d better be
-a-movin,’ ses I, rizin’ up.
-
-“‘S-i-t d-o-w-n,’ ses he, easy, that way, as though he wasn’t disturbed
-any, though I seed he was awful pale. ‘Don’t be in a hurry,’ he went on,
-keepin’ his back flat against the door the whole time. ‘You’ve been
-pokin’ around here ‘bout long enuff,’ said he, ‘and I think it time you
-’tended to bisness.
-
-“‘I’ve sent for Father Quinn,’ he contin’ed, ‘cal’latin’ to hev you
-jined to the family rite off, afore you leave the house,’ and he gin the
-cleaver a sweepin’ flourish; but while he was a-doin’ it he sort of took
-his eyes away from me, and before he could say ‘scat,’ I jest shet my
-eyes tight, and made one detarmined lunge for the winder, head fust,
-like a sheep through a clump of briars, and went a-crashin’ plum out on
-all fours into the gardin, takin’ the hull lower sash along with me.
-
-[Illustration: OLD HURLEY ON THE WAR PATH.]
-
-“The old man gin one rattlin’ shout like a wounded gorrillar, when he
-seed me go. I knowed he’d be arter me mi’ty quick, so I broke through
-the gardin for the toll-road, the blarsted ole sash a-hangin’ around my
-neck like a hog-yoke, catchin’ on everythin’ as I ran. I hadn’t more’n
-struck the road and begun to dust along it, when I heered the old man
-comin’, a-snortin’ an’ a spatterin’, down the turnpike ahind me. I
-‘lowed he’d overhaul me if I kept right on, ’cause I hadn’t got the sash
-off yet, and the blamed thing was jest ginnin’ my neck jess; so
-flouncin’ aside pooty sudden, I flopped down ahind a sassafras bush, and
-I hadn’t more’n got thar nuther when old Hurley went a-rackin’ and a
-rearin’ past, the bloodthirsty great meat-ax a-gleamin’ in his hand. He
-reckoned I was still ahead, so he went a-flukin’ down the road, clearin’
-the toll-bar at one bounce, without so much as dustin’ it, and keepin’
-right on for Gosport. Thunder! didn’t I tear off the ruins of that
-winder mity fast, though? Then I clim’ the fence, and took across lots
-through Hiram Nye’s corn patch, and down by Blake’s orchard, comin’ into
-town by the lower road. I think more’n likely old Hurley kept a-goin’ it
-plum to Gosport before he mistrusted that I dodged him; and I do jest
-think if he had got hold on me—a-bilin’ as he was—he wouldn’t have left
-a piece of me together large enough to bait a mink trap. Wasn’t that an
-all-fired close dodge, though? I reckon you’ll not see me in Gosport
-agin, leastways not while old Hurley’s a-livin’. I’ve no notion o’
-gettin’ married in no such haste as that. Thar’s the bugle callin’ to
-muster—let’s hurry up and go.”
-
-[Illustration]
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                         TRIALS OF THE FARMER.
-
-
-                 I want to be a farmer
-                   And with the farmers stand—
-                 A whetstone in my pocket,
-                   A blister on my hand.
-
-                 I sing to be a farmer,
-                   Without the right of way
-                 Across my neighbor’s lot to drive
-                   My ox-cart or my sleigh.
-
-                 I long to be a farmer
-                   And own a breachy mare,
-                 That oft will leap the bound’ry line,
-                   And make my neighbors swear.
-
-                 I pine to be a farmer
-                   And own a kicking steer,
-                 That I may feel his horny heel
-                   Whenever I draw near.
-
-                 I sigh to be a farmer
-                   And plant my field of corn,
-                 That crows may flock and pull it up
-                   Before the streak of morn.
-
-                 I shout to be a farmer:
-                   How much I would adore
-                 To drive a big and stubborn pig
-                   Some five miles or more.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                            A CUNNING DODGE.
-
-
-There was a certain citizen of this place, a butcher by occupation, who,
-deeming the remuneration he received small in comparison to the amount
-of service done, resolved to discontinue butchering cattle and become a
-butcher of men, or in other words to assume the responsibilities of a
-practicing physician and surgeon. It seems in his travels he had
-collected quite a number of receipts and prescriptions from old almanacs
-and doctors’ books.
-
-With this limited stock of medical knowledge, and an unusually large
-amount of “cheek,” he thought to work himself into a lucrative business.
-As an invoice of smallpox was expected by every steamer, he imagined he
-might pass among other professionals as though his scientific
-acquirements were excelled by none, and his vocabulary of Latin names
-surpassed “Doctor Hornbook’s.”
-
-Hiring an office in a central locality, he hoisted a board reaching
-nearly across the building, on which his name and calling were made
-known in large characters. Then sitting down amidst a “beggarly account
-of empty bottles,” he patiently awaited the result. Whether the city had
-suddenly become remarkably healthy through the sanitary exertions of the
-health commissioners, or he had not his proportionate share of the
-medical practice in requisition, he knew not, but certain it was, that
-from morn to noon, from noon to dewy eve he sat in his room—
-
-                       “As idle as a painted ship
-                       Upon a painted ocean.”
-
-One day, however, while straying along North Beach, musing on the
-strange vicissitudes in human affairs, and thinking how “weary, stale,
-flat and unprofitable” were all the uses of this world, a happy idea
-presented itself. In the vicinity of the County Hospital he had noticed
-the invalids coming out to sun themselves, like seals, along the Beach.
-What a glorious attraction to custom they would be, congregated around
-his door! Entering into conversation with some of them, he soon struck a
-bargain with thirty or more. They were to visit his office once a day,
-those who could walk there without much trouble or pain receiving fifty
-cents per day, while those who traveled under greater difficulties were
-to be paid accordingly. So, every morning, after breakfast, they took up
-their line of march in twos and threes along the street toward the
-charlatan’s place of business. They were indeed a motley crowd—that
-cripple brigade—as they hobbled through the thoroughfare.
-
-[Illustration: ADVANCE OF THE CRIPPLE BRIGADE.]
-
-There came the maimed, the halt, the withered, and the blind, shuffling
-into his office thicker than diseased Jews to the troubled pool of
-Bethesda. If any stranger chanced to drop in for medical treatment, the
-crowd of hired specimens began at once to converse among themselves of
-the wonderful skill of the physician. One remarked how his sight had
-improved under treatment, how he could see two objects now where he used
-to see but one. Another related in glowing terms the ravenous appetite
-the doctor’s bitters had awakened in his system; through all the hours
-of the day he was now as hungry as a whirlpool. A third would eulogize
-his method of treating contagious diseases in general.
-
-In this way the real patient, though receiving no actual benefit from
-the watery potions administered, was retained in hopes of an ultimate
-cure. At length the curiosity of the resident physician of the Hospital
-was aroused. He couldn’t imagine where his patients filed away to every
-morning, as regularly as liberated geese to some well-known pond.
-Following up the bandaged crew and investigating the matter, he soon
-learned the state of affairs, and forbade their leaving the Hospital
-yard without a permit. This sudden falling off in the would-be-doctor’s
-patients made a material change in the appearance of his office. In
-short, it leveled his business and his hopes, and again the quack sank
-into that obscurity from which he so energetically struggled to emerge.
-
-
-
-
-                          A TERRIBLE TAKE IN.
-
-
-To-day, while taking dinner in an eating-house in a Western town, I
-witnessed an amusing incident. It appears the proprietor had often been
-imposed upon by bummers who would walk boldly into the dining-room, and
-after stowing away a supply of victuals that would fill an ordinary
-carpet sack, would shuffle up to the counter, and in an undertone of
-voice inform the person there officiating that they were unfortunately
-“dead broke.” Of course the law doesn’t allow any ripping to be done on
-such occasions, other than swearing. Then the well-filled rascals would
-walk off picking their teeth with the utmost composure; except in
-extreme cases when the out-going party would be assisted over the
-threshold by an uprising boot. But even kicks would not bring the coin
-into the till, or bring back upon the table the vanished edibles, so
-this treatment was seldom resorted to. Finally, the proprietor bought a
-large syringe, and placing it in a drawer in the dining-room, bided his
-time.
-
-It happened while I was sitting at the table an individual, whose cheek
-the proprietor had reason to believe far exceeded his checks, entered
-the room and sat down directly in front of me. A plate of hot bean soup
-sat invitingly before him, from which the savory steam rose up in
-clouds, and not only filled the nostrils of the hungry man with
-delicious and enticing odors, but served to whet the hungry edge of
-appetite.
-
-[Illustration: “PAY IN ADVANCE, SIR.”]
-
-Lifting a large pewter spoon that lay beside the plate, he was about to
-introduce it to the hot decoction before him. Already the limber hinges
-of his jaw began to relax, preparatory to admitting the well-filled
-spoon. His attention was suddenly arrested by the proprietor, who, with
-one hand behind him and the other laid upon the spoon-arm of the
-would-be eater, demanded the price of the dinner before he went any
-further. The man, it seems, was not a member of that class of
-individuals which the hotel keeper thought him. He was justly indignant,
-therefore, at the demand, and sharply informed mine host that “he
-guessed after he had eaten his dinner would be time enough to pay for
-it.” But the oft-swindled proprietor thought differently. The man had
-scarcely got the words out of his mouth before “mine host” produced a
-syringe, large as the trunk of a small-sized elephant, and slapping the
-nozzle of it into the soup, ran it circling around the plate, and with
-one long, slobbering draught, like that of a horse drinking through his
-bits, the soup plate was left lying before the hungry man, as empty as
-his own stomach.
-
-The astonished individual looked first at his plate, on which not even a
-bean was left, then at the dripping, steaming muzzle of the syringe, and
-lastly at the landlord, who stood with a look of triumph spreading over
-his face, silently waiting for the man to either come down with the coin
-or leave the table.
-
-Though not liking that summary way of treating a person, the man was
-either too hungry or too limited in time to go further for a meal, so he
-fished out of his pocket the change and handed it to the proprietor. The
-latter thereupon discharged the contents of the syringe into the soup
-plate again, and walked away, leaving the customer to proceed with his
-dinner.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                             A FAMILY JAR.
-
-
-  One night, while passing through the street,
-    A stranger paused to hear
-  The tumult from a cottage nigh,
-    That stunned the listening ear.
-  And as he stood without the door
-    The sound of war arose,
-  As when Boroo the Irish king
-    Engaged his stubborn foes.
-
-  So drawing nigh the window-sill
-    He studied matters fair,
-  And lo, the husband and the wife
-    Engaged in battle there:
-  The former with his doubled fists
-    The battle sought to win;
-  While to his head the wife applied
-    The heavy rolling-pin.
-
-  And as the stranger stood without
-    He thus communed with care,—
-  For he was shrewd and thought it best
-    To weigh the danger there,—
-  “This is some family affair:
-    Some question I opine
-  That I should not discuss with them,
-    Nor make the quarrel mine;
-  For I am newly risen up
-    From off the bed of pain,
-  And they perchance will turn on me,
-    And send me there again.”
-
-[Illustration: STRANGER WHO WENT NOT IN.]
-
-  So turning from the window-sill
-    He journeyed on his way,
-  And went not in, but left the pair
-    Engaged in doubtful fray;
-  And when he was a great way off
-    The stranger paused once more,
-  And lo! the noise of battle fell
-    Still louder than before.
-
-  Then he remarked, “This is indeed
-    A battle fierce and great;
-  I now repent me that I went
-    Not in, to remonstrate.”
-  Then taking to his road again,
-    He moved, repenting still,
-  And turned not back to enter in,
-    But slowly climbed the hill.
-
-  Not many minutes later on,
-    Behold, another man
-  Was passing by, and heard the war
-    That through the building ran;
-  And lo! the tumult that arose
-    Was like the clamor high
-  When Michael’s host and Satan’s horde
-    Did mingle in the sky.
-
-  And while he paused, he heard the stroke
-    The active husband sped;
-  And heard the fall of rolling-pin
-    Upon the husband’s head.
-  And he communed thus with himself,—
-    For he loved ways of peace,
-  Delighting not in heavy strokes,
-    But thinking war should cease:
-
-  Said he, “A family jar, no doubt,
-    Now falls upon mine ear;
-  And I should promptly enter in
-    The house, to interfere;
-  Or soon, perchance, a murder will
-    Be done beneath this roof;
-  And I appear like one to blame,
-    Because I stood aloof,
-  Or passed along upon my way
-    And took no noble stand,
-  Nor raised my voice the war to stay,
-    Nor caught a lifted hand.”
-
-  So then the traveler left the street
-    And bravely entered in,
-  Through porch and hall, and gained the room
-    Where rose the fearful din;
-  And on the husband laying hold,
-    He cried, “Why do ye go
-  Beyond the brute that roots the sod
-    In this contention low,
-  And neither spare the sex, nor kin,
-    Which you are bound to do?
-  Now use no more your ready hand
-    Or you the act may rue!”
-
-  Then said the husband, turning round,
-    “Why, is she not mine own?
-  My flesh of flesh, as we are told,
-    And also bone of bone?
-  And who are you that here comes in
-    At me to rail and scout,
-  When I, by neither word nor line,
-    Sent invitation out?
-  Do I not answer for the rent?
-    And all the taxes pay?
-  And say to whom I will, ‘Come in,’
-    Or, ‘Stand without,’ I pray?”
-
-  Then also did that warring wife
-    Now rest her rolling-pin,
-  And thus addressed the stranger too,
-    “Aye! wherefore came ye in?
-  Come, let us beat him soundly here,
-    And throw him down the stairs,
-  And teach him not to interfere
-    With other folks’ affairs.”
-
-  So hands they laid upon the wretch
-    While edging for the door,
-  And beat him freely out of shape,
-    And dragged him round the floor.
-  The wife would hold him down awhile
-    The husband’s blows to bide;
-  And then the husband held him till
-    The wife her weapon plied.
-
-  They rent the garments from his back,
-    And from his scalp the hair;
-  And from his face in handfuls plucked
-    The whiskers long and fair;
-  And there, contrary to the laws,
-    And to his wish to boot,
-  He swallowed teeth that in his jaws
-    In youth had taken root.
-
-  At last, uniting at the task,
-    They hauled him to the door
-  And sent him howling home in pain;
-    A man both lame and sore.
-
-[Illustration: THE STRANGER WHO WENT IN.]
-
-  Who showed the greatest wisdom here,—
-    The one who heard the fray
-  And went not in, but later stood
-    Repenting in the way?
-  Or he, who turning from his path
-    Went in to stay the rout,
-  And after wished, with all his heart,
-    That he had stayed without?
-
-  The observations of a life
-    Prove, eight times out of nine,
-  They best can meddle with a strife
-    Who bear official sign.
-
-  But notwithstanding all the facts
-    This lesson has laid bare;
-  Of reaping good for noble acts
-    We never should despair.
-  Not here below reward we’ll know,
-    But virtue still prevails;
-  And valor, love, and rightful deeds,
-    Will count upon the scales.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                         THE ROD OF CORRECTION.
-
-
-It is not often that a poor fellow like myself can have a good laugh at
-the expense of a high dignitary. To-day, however, an opportunity
-presented itself, and happily I was in the right humor to appreciate it.
-Passing along a narrow street, I saw an old Irish woman unmercifully
-beating her boy with a rod, which, if it had not been divested of twigs
-and leaves, would have served as a Christmas tree for a good-sized
-family. This of itself was nothing to make one smile, and perhaps no
-person would more readily endorse such a sentiment than the boy himself.
-But the end was not yet.
-
-It appears that while on his way from the grocery, with a pitcher of
-beer for his mother, the little fellow tripped-up and spilled nearly the
-whole contents in the street. This was something that Temperance folk
-might well rejoice over, but it was a serious matter for the boy. The
-old woman, with parched lips was standing at the gate, impatiently
-awaiting her youngster’s return. She saw him emerge from the store,
-pitcher in hand. Her quick eye caught sight of the light foam rising in
-airy bubbles above the brim, and she knew the grocer had sent her no
-stinted measure. In fancy she was already quenching her thirst with
-copious draughts of the cooling drink—when she saw the boy measuring his
-length upon the planks. Worst, and most lamentable of all, she saw the
-delectable beverage coursing down the sidewalk in a dozen foaming
-streams. Her rage knew no bounds. The moment the boy put his foot inside
-the gate, she seized him with the grip of a virago, and belabored him
-with the cudgel till he roared. So great was the outcry that every
-window in the vicinity was immediately crammed with heads. Taught by the
-lessons of my youth that he who meddles in other people’s affairs often
-treads upon his own corns, I maintained a wise silence; but I mentally
-prayed that the wrath of the old fury would be appeased, for the cries
-and wild antics of the little wretch began to grow monotonous.
-
-[Illustration: A REAR ATTACK.]
-
-There chanced at that moment to be passing an eminent minister who
-weekly fills his fashionable, spacious church with a glittering
-congregation. He saw the woman was in a towering passion, and he
-ventured to remark: “My good woman, the rod of correction should never
-become the weapon of passion.” The remark, which seemed good and to the
-point, caused her temporarily to suspend hostilities; but she still
-retained her hold on the collar, as she turned around sharply to
-ascertain who dared criticise her method of training up a child in the
-way he should go.
-
-For a minute she glared upon the clergyman with flashing eyes, as if
-astonished at his interference. Surveying him from the soles of his
-boots to the very crown swirl of his silk hat, she drew herself up to
-her full height, and, in the most indignant voice, shouted: “Away wid
-yer cotations, you ould sermon thief! It’s not from the likes of yees I
-learn me juty!”
-
-The clergyman was nonplussed; he quailed before the fiery eyes and
-sarcastic tongue of the old vixen; and I fancied his face lit up with
-joy when he discovered that he was nigh a corner, around which he
-quickly disappeared.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                          GONE FROM HIS GAZE.
-
-
-                 There was a little man,
-                 And he had a little dog;
-       And he said: “Little dog, you must stay, stay, stay,
-                 Playing here by the house,
-                 As peaceful as a mouse,
-       And never hoist your tail and away, ’way, ’way—
-       And never hoist your tail and away.”
-
-                 Then said this little pup,
-                 At its master looking up:
-       “I know, little master, you are cute, cute, cute;
-                 But if you will allow
-                 Such a question, tell me, now,
-       What the dickens do you want with a brute, brute, brute?
-       What the dickens do _you_ want with a brute?”
-
-                 Then the little man did stare,
-                 And up rose his little hair;
-       And his cheeks with fear grew pale, pale, pale,
-                 As he said: “I do propose,
-                 Soon as you have found your nose,
-       To kill by the dozen little quail, quail, quail—
-       To kill by the dozen little quail.”
-
-                 At this the puppy grinned,
-                 Like a mischief-making fiend,
-       As he whined: “You cannot come it upon me, me, me.
-                 You would have me lie around
-                 In a back-yard, like a hound,
-       And become a paradise for the flea, flea, flea—
-       And become a paradise for the flea.”
-
-                 When the toil of day had flown,
-                 Little man, with little bone,
-       Went out where the little dog ought to be, be, be;
-                 He whistled, and he called,
-                 He patted, and he bawled,
-       But nary little dog could he see, see, see—
-       But nary little dog could he see.
-
-                 Next day he chanced to stop
-                 By a sausage maker’s shop,
-       And something that he saw made him holler, holler, holler;
-                 For there in the street,
-                 All bloody, at his feet,
-       Lay his poor little dog’s leather collar, collar, collar—
-       Lay his poor little dog’s leather collar.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                           ST. PATRICK’S DAY.
-
-
-Erin go bragh! St. Patrick’s day is upon us, and the city seems wrapped
-in a “mantle of green,” so numerous are the Irish flags flying in the
-breeze.
-
-                  From hovel roof, and church of size
-                  Alike, the harp and sun-burst flies!
-
-The ear of morn is stunned with the bray of at least a dozen blatant
-bands, as they discourse Old Erin’s soul-stirring airs. It is an easy
-matter for a person to imagine himself sitting by some sheeling door in
-“County Kerry” instead of this great American city by the sea. The
-Ancient Order of Hibernians and the Fenians are out in full force, with
-clean-boiled shirts and soap-washed faces. Marshals charge around upon
-their caparisoned steeds like real heroes, and sitting gracefully as a
-sack of potatoes upon the back of a spavined mule trotting over a
-corduroy road. Evidently some of them have never before bent over
-anything that came nigher to an equine than a saw-horse. It is plain
-
-               Those who always rode, now ride the more,
-               And those now ride who never rode before.
-
-Well, they love the country that gave them birth, and that is a virtue
-that is certainly commendable,—a natural excellence often wanting in
-other nationalities. Besides, celebrating the old gentleman’s birthday
-makes business lively with the stable men and the shoemakers, and that
-of itself is a good reason why the demonstration should be encouraged.
-It is hardly probable that any of the great powers will be materially
-weakened by these loyal manifestations.
-
-Here is a sketch of a spirited member of the “Ancient Order of
-Hibernians,” as he appeared passing my window in the morning, full of
-life and loyalty, tripping the asphaltum pavement lightly as though
-traversing the springy surface of his native bogs. And following is
-another sketch of the same individual in the evening, when full of oaths
-and whiskey, lying in the gutter with all that ease and abandon which
-characterizes the Celtic race, wherever dispersed, in every land and in
-every age.
-
-[Illustration: IN THE MORNING.]
-
-The different races of men have their different weaknesses. It may seem
-an extravagant statement, but I venture to say if there had been no rice
-plant in the world, the Chinese would not have cared to live. I will
-even go further and say perhaps there would have been no Mongolian race.
-And now the thought occurs to me, this deficiency in the human family
-would not have been such a terrible thing after all. True, we should
-have been obliged to get along with catnip tea instead of Souchong,
-which would have been pretty heavy on old women. We also would have been
-obliged to worry through without old Confucius, which might have made
-some confusion in metaphysics or political morality. But as the latter
-could hardly be worse than it is at present with all his teachings, we
-possibly might have managed to exist very well without the moon-eyed
-philosopher.
-
-[Illustration: IN THE EVENING.]
-
-The Teuton dotes on his well-seasoned bologna. The grizzly Emperor
-William I, standing upon an eminence near Rezonville, overlooking the
-battle-field, with a spy-glass in one hand and a large bologna sausage
-in the other, furnished indeed a striking sketch for the special artist
-of the occasion. The humor of the situation came in when the Emperor,
-forgetting himself in the excitement of the moment, raised the sausage
-to his eye instead of the spy-glass, and because he failed to see the
-squadron of Uhlans—that a moment before were charging upon a
-battery—concluded they were blown to smithereens, and losing his usual
-equanimity, commenced to swear fearfully, and order up another division
-to take their place. There was a broad and sarcastic humor couched in
-the remark of the officer at his side, who observed the mistake, and
-ventured the suggestion, “If your Majesty will take another bite from
-the sausage, perhaps you will be able to see through it.”
-
-And then, there is the jovial, careless, free-hearted, yet quarrelsome
-Irishman, who thinks a new Jerusalem without a little whiskey still in
-one corner of it,—“over beyant the throne, and forninst the back dure,”
-for instance—would be just no Paradise at all. I believe there is not a
-race of men on the face of the earth—from Behring Straits to Terra del
-Fuego, round and about, over and under, or down either quarter—that can
-extract the same genuine soul-satisfying bliss from a flattened nose or
-swelled lip, that a real, irrepressible, County Kerry Irishman can. Let
-him have that, and a good stiff horn of whiskey to keep the blood
-running freely, and my advice to you is, keep upon the other side of the
-street, if you intend to sit for your picture that afternoon, or visit
-your sweetheart that evening, or expect to take up the collection during
-divine worship the next Sunday. At such a time he is no respecter of
-persons, this set-up Irishman.
-
-You may be the Rector of the finest cathedral in the place, the mayor of
-the city, the judge of the supreme court, or even the governor of the
-state, and should your hat chance to blow off and roll in front of
-him,—though it should cost him a fall upon the pavement,—that man will
-kick it. I tell you he will kick it, and soundly too. He will make no
-mincing about it, but go for it, as he would for his neighbor’s pig,
-should he find it in his garden of cabbages. At such he is full of words
-also, and can bestow upon the stone that trips him up the same flow of
-abuse that he can shower upon the man who assists him to his feet.
-
-
-
-
-                          THE CONTENTED FROG.
-
-
-  The frog that once in Selby’s dam
-    Its weird music shed,
-  Now lies as mute as stranded clam—
-    Because that frog is dead.
-
-  So sleeps the plague of former days,
-    So noisy nights are o’er,
-  And he now on the pond decays
-    Who long cried, “Sleep no more!”
-
-  A frog upon a log one day
-    In meditation sat,
-  And gazed upon his pond, that lay
-    Still as a tanner’s vat.
-
-  No fish swam in his fetid lake,
-    No current seaward run;
-  But hemmed by grasses, weed, and brake,
-    It mantled in the sun.
-
-[Illustration: IN MEDITATION.]
-
-  At length from revery he woke,
-    And thus to free his mind,
-  He in the gutt’ral jargon spoke
-    Peculiar to his kind:—
-
-  “Give me my slimy pool,” quoth he,
-    “Before a river wide,
-  Where cranes are found, still wading round,
-    And hungry fishes glide.
-
-  “Here light first dawn’d, here was I spawn’d,
-    And here I make my home—
-  Those longest live who’re not inclined
-    In foreign parts to roam.
-
-  “Upon this log, or stone, I sit,
-    The water-fly to view,
-  Or watch the glossy whirligig
-    Describe his circles true.
-
-  “How foolish are some pollywogs;
-    Before they’ve lost their tails
-  They often class themselves with frogs,
-    And leave their native swales;
-
-  “And while exploring down some ditch,
-    Beneath a scorching ray,
-  Upon a sandy bar they hitch,
-    And bake as dry as hay.
-
-  “Had they but waited till the tail
-    Had from their body dropp’d—
-  And in its stead four legs shot forth—
-    Away they might have hopp’d.”
-
-  Thus while he sat above the pool,
-    Commenting on his lot,
-  He heard a truant boy from school
-    Come whistling to the spot.
-
-  “Ah ha!” quoth he, “I hear, I see
-    An ancient foe of mine;
-  He stones will throw, that well I know,
-    And straight ones I divine.
-
-  “The sparrow on the picket fence,
-    The squirrel on the limb,
-  The swallow flying overhead,
-    Alike look out for him.
-
-  “There are some hands I scarcely fear,
-    So ill a stone they guide;
-  But when Bob Stevenson is near
-    ’Tis meet that I should hide.”
-
-  So, prompted by the fearful thought,
-    He leaped in with a thud,
-  And diving to the bottom, sought
-    Concealment in the mud.
-
-  Now burrow, burrow, little frog,
-    As you will trouble find;
-  Think not because your eyes are shut
-    That every one is blind.
-
-  Then burrow deeper, deeper far,
-    Leave not one claw in view;
-  Or, swifter than a falling star,
-    A stone will cleave you through.
-
-  “While here,” said he, “I’m safe enough,
-    And here I’ll peaceful lie
-  Until that little whistling rough
-    Has passed the water by.”
-
-[Illustration: BOB’S ATTACK.]
-
-  But, ah! while he did reckon that
-    The host was not around,—
-  The youngster saw him quit the log,
-    And soon a stone was found.
-
-  He stood beside the circling pond,
-    And gazed a while below—
-  The tell-tale mud the frog disturbed
-    Rose from the bottom slow.
-
-  But, ah! for childhood’s searching eyes!
-    What can escape their darts?
-  Projecting from the mud he spies
-    The croaker’s hinder parts.
-
-  “Ho! ho!” then laughed this cruel boy,
-    As downward he did stare,
-  “If you from trouble would be free
-    Of every part take care.”
-
-  Then down he sent the ready stone,
-    Nor went it down in vain—
-  Dead as the missile that was thrown,
-    The frog came up again.
-
-  Along the river’s ferny banks
-    The frogs still chant their lays
-  While floating on his native pool
-    That stone-killed frog decays.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                            ALL FOOLS’ DAY.
-
-
-This is “all fools’ day,” and judging by the number of people who are
-passing along the sidewalk with strings and rags dangling from their
-coat tails, the custom of making people appear ridiculous is not
-obsolete. What delight the youngsters take in covering a few bricks with
-an old hat, and leaving it temptingly upon the sidewalk, while they
-withdraw into some nook to watch the bait and halloo at the person who
-is thoughtless enough to kick it.
-
-[Illustration: SOLD.]
-
-Though the custom has age to sanction it, I am decidedly opposed to
-making people—either on the first of April or upon any other day—appear
-ridiculous in their own eyes as well as in the eyes of every person with
-whom they come in contact. People will make fools of themselves often
-enough, without the assistance of others. I wonder why men are not more
-upon their guard upon this day. Just now I saw a newspaper reporter, who
-certainly should have known better, kick an old hat from his way, and go
-limping to the office, denouncing everybody in general, but children in
-particular. Speaking of reporters calls to mind something that I have
-often thought. I believe if I had been endowed with more cheek and less
-scruples about over-stepping the line of veracity, I long before this
-would have made my mark in the world as a newspaper scribbler.
-
-My unconquerable modesty always rose up like a barrier between me and
-reportorial fame. It would never allow me to dip into trivial, baseless
-rumors, and magnify them into scandalous reports. My pride, too, was a
-clog that blocked the wheel of progress. I could never throw it aside
-long enough to intrude myself uninvited at select gatherings, or creep
-and crouch under a window-sill or behind a door, like a base
-eavesdropper, to hear words that were not intended for the public ear,
-in order to work up a stirring article. But for these drawbacks, I
-cannot help thinking I would have done well at the business, because, by
-a singular decree of fate, I am generally present whenever any strange
-or amusing incident transpires, or even when scenes of a serious nature
-furnish work for the pen, and many a time, too, when I could well wish
-myself suddenly removed far enough from the distressing scene before me.
-
-This afternoon, for example, a terrible assault was perpetrated in the
-back yard of the house adjoining the one in which I reside.
-
-There is no use talking, I will have to get up and bundle out of this
-locality, before long. It is becoming too rough a quarter for me. Its
-poisonous air would tarnish the brightest reputation that ever shone
-upon a forehead.
-
-With my usual luck, I happened to witness the affair. Thus far I have
-kept it to myself, as I have no desire to figure in a court of justice
-in any such scrape. Some people, perhaps, would rush forward and
-volunteer their testimony, but I am not of that turn of mind, and
-calculate to keep my mouth shut until it is pried open by a legal bar. I
-have been looking over the evening papers, but they make no mention of
-the case, so perhaps the authorities are keeping the matter quiet,
-fearing that by giving it publicity they would defeat the ends of
-justice. With this thought in mind, and to help them along in their
-efforts, it being “all fools’ day,” also, I will say no more about it.
-
-
-
-
-                         FINDING A HORSE-SHOE.
-
-
-Upon this day, and at this time, while the fire burneth in the grate and
-the warm drink steameth in the bowl, I speak as with the tongue of a
-scribe of the olden time, and this is the burden of my speech:—
-
-A certain man, a citizen of this place, as he journeyed to his home,
-that looketh toward the mountain which is called Lone—and at the base of
-which the dead are entombed—found an horse-shoe in the way. And he was
-exceeding pleased because of his luck, insomuch that he rubbed his hands
-together joyfully, and said within himself: “How blessed am I in finding
-this shoe in the way. This bodeth good to me and mine household, because
-it pointeth in the way that I am going, and it would show a lack of
-understanding in me should I not pick it up.” So he placed it carefully
-in the pouch that was sewed in the hind part of his garment, which is
-called the tail, and hastened on towards his home; and as he went his
-countenance was bright to look upon. And it came to pass when he had
-arrived at his house, and was entered in at the door, he said unto
-himself—for he was an eccentric man, and his ways were not as the ways
-of sensible people—“Now will I make all haste and fasten this shoe above
-my parlor door, that it may continually bring good towards my house, for
-my grandmother hath often said there lieth a charm for good in the
-horse-shoe that is picked up by the way.” So reaching forth his hand, he
-took a hammer and a nail—such a nail as builders use when they would
-have their work outlast themselves—and stepping upon a chair, essayed to
-transfix the shoe to the casing above the door.
-
-[Illustration: THE HORSE-SHOE CHARM.]
-
-Now it chanced that this man had a wife, a woman who was not eccentric,
-neither had she patience to spare on those people who had eccentric
-ways; and as she was at work in the kitchen—for upon the whole sea-coast
-there was not found a more industrious or tidy woman—she heard the sound
-of the hammer proceeding from the room which was her pride; and she made
-haste and dropped the dough that she was kneading for the oven, and
-looking out into the apartment, she beheld her husband standing upon the
-chair attempting to transfix the horse-shoe above the door. And she was
-exceeding displeased because of his action, and of his provoking
-eccentricity, and she remonstrated with him mildly, saying:
-
-“Souls of the Innocents! is this a barn? or a blacksmith’s shop? or are
-ye gone stark, staring mad? or has old age benumbed your senses beyond
-all hope? that thus you would establish the unsightly object above the
-door, to be a jest for visitors and a shame unto us?”
-
-But the good man of the house, looking down reprovingly from the
-eminence upon which he was now set up—being nettled because she had
-likened him to a man stark, staring mad—answered the woman sharply,
-after this manner, saying:—
-
-“Go delve into thy dough, _old_ woman! Did ye never have a grandmother?
-or is thy memory as short as thy wind? Know ye not I fix it here that it
-may bring good unto our house, as hath been said of it in the olden
-time?” So he left off speaking with his wife, but turned him about and
-once more essayed to establish the shoe above the door. For his mind was
-firm on that point, that he would nail it there, that it might bring
-good unto his house.
-
-Then waxed the woman exceedingly wroth—for she was of the house of
-O’Donohue, whose temper caused him to be cast into prison, because he
-smote the anointed priest within the chapel—and bending her body, she
-laid hold of the rounds of the chair upon which her husband was builded
-up, and pulled it suddenly from beneath him while he did reach to drive
-the spike, and behold, he came down quickly, and lay along the floor
-like a cedar felled.
-
-And it so happened, as the woman attempted to pass out by the door which
-led out into the kitchen, lo! a hammer followed after, and overtook the
-woman, and lodged upon her back, even between the two shoulder blades,
-and caused her to cry out with a marvelous loud cry; but turning herself
-around while yet the cry was proceeding from her mouth, she lifted the
-hammer from the floor and cast it from her, even at the countenance of
-her rising husband. Now it came to pass when the good man of the house
-looked upon the weapon as it left the hand of his wife, and saw that it
-was drawing nigh unto his head, swift as a javelin hurled from a
-Trojan’s arm, he said within himself, “As my name is Bartholomew, my
-hour is come.” And as he spoke he dived to the floor, that it might pass
-over and work him no harm. But even while he stooped, the weapon caught
-upon his scalp and peeled it backward to the very nape.
-
-Then went the woman out into the kitchen, and when her husband was risen
-from the floor, he ran out into the streets seeking where he might find
-a surgeon; and as he ran the people stood and looked after, and communed
-one with another, saying: “Surely this man hath escaped from the
-Modocs!” But he was sorely troubled because of his scalp, so he heeded
-not the people, neither loitered he by the way to enlighten them
-concerning the wound; but when he had entered in at a surgeon’s door he
-entreated him to make all haste and bind up his wounds, that he might
-become whole again.
-
-[Illustration: REPAIRS NEEDED.]
-
-And when the surgeon drew nigh and looked upon the wound he was
-exceedingly astonished, and he cried, “Of what tribe was the savage that
-hath done this?”
-
-But the injured man answered him sorrowfully, saying, “Nay, but my wife
-hath done this thing!” and bowing his head between his knees he wept
-bitterly, even as David wept when he learned that Absalom had perished
-in the boughs of the great oak. And when the surgeon had poured oil upon
-the wound, and sewed it together—even as a housewife seweth the rent in
-a garment—and spread plasters upon his head in divers ways, he arose and
-journeyed to the Hall of Justice, which is by the Plaza, and entered a
-complaint against the woman.
-
-And it came to pass when the magistrates and the wise men of the place
-heard his complaint, they looked upon him as a person altogether given
-over to falsehoods, and they questioned him, saying: “How may we know if
-ye indeed speak the truth in our ears.” And removing the bandage from
-his head, with which the surgeon had wrapped it round, he answered and
-spake unto them, saying: “Ye ask for proof, and behold! I give it you!”
-And when they drew nigh and looked upon his head they saw that it was
-covered over with plasters, insomuch that it resembled a bolt of linen
-fresh from the loom, and they were sore displeased because of the
-assault. So they called together four men, the chosen officers of the
-force, and commanded them to arrest the woman, saying: “Take ye the
-woman into custody, and lodge her in prison, that on the morrow we may
-sit in judgment over her.”
-
-So these four officers, named Murry, the brave; and Flynn, styled the
-“blinker,” and Curran, and Flaherty,—surnamed the “beat”—armed
-themselves with pistols, and clubs, and knives, and went forth to arrest
-the woman. And a great crowd followed after, for they said among
-themselves, “Surely some murder hath been done.” So when they had come
-nigh to the house they laid plans how they might surround it; and this
-was the manner of their approach toward the house. Murry on the east
-side; and Flynn, styled the “blinker,” on the west side; and Curran on
-the north side; and Flaherty, surnamed the “beat” on the south side. So
-they did compass the house about and enter it; and this was the manner
-of their entrance. One by the front door, and one by the back door, and
-one by the window that looked out at the west side of the house, and one
-by the window that looked out at the east side of the house; and they
-did converge and meet in the centre. And they found the hammer and the
-blood thereon; and the horse-shoe and the nail sticking therein; but
-they found not the woman. And they searched the house, beginning at the
-cellar, and ascending even up to the loft, but be it known unto you, the
-woman had fled, and her whereabouts remaineth a secret to this day.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                      AN EVENING WITH SCIENTISTS.
-
-
-This evening I accepted an invitation from a member of the Academy of
-Science to attend a regular meeting. I started out almost under protest,
-thinking it would prove a very dry entertainment. It had been said that
-at their meetings they conversed only about fossils or strata, or grew
-warm while arguing some point about the Azoic or Silurian age, that
-period before the Dinotherium or even the Mastodon ran bellowing across
-the flinty earth. I was agreeably disappointed, however. For I found it
-not only instructive, but amusing to others than scientists. The
-President announced to the Academy that a feathered mouse had been sent
-by an unknown friend from a distant town. A vote of thanks was then
-tendered the donor. The feathered mouse, however, proved to be a cruel
-fraud, for a subsequent examination revealed the painful fact that the
-feathers were stuck to the skin by some adhesive substance. The vote of
-thanks was then rescinded, and the feathered mouse was informally
-introduced to the office cat.
-
-A communication was then read from a man in the interior. He informed
-the Academy that he had in his possession a large sow, which, when quite
-a small pig, had been severely bitten by a black dog, which made a
-lasting impression upon her. In after years if any of her litter were
-black she singled them out, and devoured them with as little remorse as
-an old woman would a dish of stir-about. The sow had that day died from
-the effects of eating a tarantula, and he offered to donate her to the
-Academy, providing they would bear the cost of transporting her to the
-city. By a unanimous vote the communication was laid _under_ the table.
-
-Quite a discussion then took place as to whether pigs really do see the
-wind, and if so, why?
-
-[Illustration: THE PRESIDENT OF THE ACADEMY.]
-
-A member then presented the Academy with a new species of snail, or
-slug, which he found in the mountains, and which had but one horn. He
-proposed having it called a “unicorn snail.” Quite a controversy
-followed. Several members maintained that the snail imprudently left its
-horns out over night, and one, getting nipped by the frost, dropped off.
-This proposition angered the generous donor, and reaching forth a hand
-trembling with emotion, he lifted the snail from the palm of the
-admiring President, and laid it down gently upon the floor—as a mother
-might deposit an infant in the cradle—and while the Academy stood
-spell-bound, before a tongue could be loosened from the roof of a mouth,
-or a hand stretched to save, he planted the sole of a number eleven boot
-upon the crowning back of the little gasteropod, and when he lifted his
-foot again, all that was visible of the one-horned snail was a little
-grease spot upon the floor, the size of an average rain drop. This
-inhuman act seemed to throw a gloom over the Academy.
-
-No further business appearing, the meeting adjourned.
-
-
-
-
-                            OUR TABLE GIRL.
-
-                          “O, those girls!
-            Naughty, laughing, beautiful girls.”—_Old Song._
-
-
-I commenced boarding in a new place to-day, and am completely smitten by
-the charming table girl—
-
-                 Oh, she is young and bright and fair,
-                 With midnight eyes and inky hair,
-                 Which unconfined, without a check,
-                 Falls round a plump and snowy neck.
-                 Oh, sweet she bends above my chair
-                 Like Juno, when old Jove’s her care,
-                 And as she stoops to hear me speak,
-                 Soft falls her breath upon my cheek,
-                 And I forget (true as I live)
-                 The order that I fain would give.
-                 Before her dark and earnest eyes
-                 My appetite distracted flies,
-                 And though I hungry sit me down,
-                 I rise full as a country clown
-                 Who by a picnic table stands,
-                 And shovels in with both his hands.
-                 ’Tis true, at times the humble board
-                 Does but a scant repast afford;
-                 At times we grumble at the bread,
-                 Or at the butter shake the head;
-                 And oft the whisper circles round
-                 About the mystery profound,
-                 That may within the hash repose,
-                 And any fateful stir disclose.
-                 But still we linger, still we stay,
-                 And hope for better things each day;
-                 Thus proving that one winning face
-                 Can keep from bankruptcy the place.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                         AN OLD WOMAN IN PERIL.
-
-
-Yesterday, while in the back country, I saw an old woman in what would
-have been a very laughable predicament, had it not been a very pitiable
-one.
-
-An unusually large vulture had for some time been soaring in the
-neighborhood, occasionally scraping acquaintance with one of the fat
-ewes grazing in the valley. Several of the farmers had felt the vexation
-of seeing him perched upon a lofty eminence and making the wool fly from
-some favorite Cotswold. They were justly enraged, and resolved to put a
-stop to his depredations.
-
-They accordingly posted themselves nigh their flocks, and with guns
-heavily charged, awaited the advent of the rapacious bird. But he was no
-booby, and though his gizzard could digest a good-sized rib or hoof with
-all the ease of a Ballyshannon woman making away with a mealy potato,
-yet he hadn’t the least inclination to test its grinding power upon a
-charge of slugs or buckshot.
-
-For several days thereafter he was known in the neighborhood as a “high
-flier.” With a pining maw he would sit upon some heaven-kissing crag,
-and with drooping head watch the fleecy flocks grazing in the green
-valley below. He found it difficult, however, to cloy the hungry edge of
-appetite by bare imagination of a feast, and, emboldened by want, began
-to drop to a lower level when flying across the fields.
-
-Yesterday, as mutton was out of the question, he resolved to try his
-beak upon some tougher viand, and while in the vicinity of the village,
-he swooped down upon a little old woman who was gathering chips in front
-of her cottage.
-
-The poor old body had not the least warning of the vulture’s approach.
-As she stooped in the act of picking fuel enough to cook her evening
-meal he dropped upon her like an arrow.
-
-[Illustration: THE OLD LADY’S ASCENT.]
-
-Fastening his powerful talons in the strong material of her
-loose-fitting garments, he spread abroad his mighty wings and began to
-haul her heavenward. The astonishment, anxiety and indescribable antics
-of the poor old lady when she found herself slowly but surely leaving
-_terra firma_ by an unknown agency were indeed terrible to witness.
-
-She knew not whether it was a gold-tinseled angel, or an iron-rusted
-demon, that was thus, in open day, and while she was yet in the flesh,
-unceremoniously translating her to some remote planet; she had no means
-of discovering; she was only certain she was going—that her direction
-was onward and upward. Her favorite hollyhock tickled her nose as she
-swept over her little garden, and the clothes-line, that for a moment
-seemed to baffle the vulture’s flight, was now stretching beneath.
-
-She deployed her feet, regardless of appearances, first to the right,
-then to the left, above and below, vainly endeavoring to come in contact
-with something that would give her an inkling of what was responsible
-for this mysterious movement. There was a vague uncertainty about the
-whole proceeding well calculated to alarm her. Even though she succeeded
-in shaking herself loose, her fall would now be fearful, and each moment
-was adding to the danger. What could I do? I was powerless to save. I
-had no gun, and even if I had there would have been some grave doubts in
-my mind as to the propriety of firing, as I generally shoot low, and
-such an error in my aim could hardly have proved otherwise than
-disastrous.
-
-There was no use striving to make the bird loosen his hold by hooting.
-If there had been any virtue in that sort of demonstration the old woman
-would hardly have been raised above the eaves of her shanty, for she was
-screaming in a manner that would have made a Modoc blush. The only thing
-that suggested itself, and that rather hurriedly, was to get out my
-pencil and paper and take a sketch as she appeared passing over her
-cottage in the vulture’s talons.
-
-The blood, which at first forsook her cheeks through fear, was almost
-instantly forced back into her visage again by the pendant position of
-her head.
-
-She beat the empty tin pan which she still retained in her hand, but the
-voracious and hunger-pinched vulture had no notion of relinquishing his
-hold on account of noise. On the contrary, he seemed to enjoy it, and
-with many a sturdy twitch and flap, and many an airy wheel, he still
-held his way toward a rugged promontory situated at the head of the
-valley. Fortunately, when he was twenty feet from the ground and about
-eighty rods from the cottage, the calico dress and undergarments in
-which mainly his talons were fastened, gave out, and the liberated woman
-dropped on hands and knees in the muddy bed of the creek, over which the
-bird was passing at the time.
-
-While hovering over her, about to pounce down upon her and try the
-elevating business again, a sheep-herder who had seen the bird
-approaching the cottage, gave him a dose of buckshot, which broke one
-wing and left him at the mercy of his captor.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                        FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE.
-
-  _Jonathan_.—“I hain’t got no tongue for soapin’ of ye, Susan Jane. I
-  mean _business_, I do. Will ye hev me?”
-
-  _Susan Jane_.—“I don’t know much about ye, Jonathan Junkit, but I’m
-  willin’ to risk it, anyhow. Yer’s my hand. I’m yourn.”
-
-                                                           _Old Volume._
-
-
-This afternoon I attended a private wedding on Howard Street. I may
-safely term it “marriage in high life,” as the combined height of the
-couple was something over twelve feet.
-
-The groom was a bachelor, who for many a year had stood around the fire
-like the half of a tongs, very good as a poker, but not worth standing
-room as a picker up.
-
-He looked as though it wouldn’t require much advice to make him—even at
-the eleventh hour—prove recreant to his vows, and back out from under
-the yoke the reverend gentleman was about to place upon his neck.
-
-His companion, however, was no novice in the business in which she was
-engaged. She was fearlessly putting forth upon that sea on which she had
-twice been wrecked, but she was nothing loth to try it again. Were she
-only skilled in navigation as well as in embarkation, she would have
-been the one to send on expeditions to either the North or South Pole,
-as the case might be.
-
-[Illustration: THE TRYING MOMENT.]
-
-It was truly encouraging to the timorous and uninitiated, to see with
-what a broad smile she regarded her husband that was to be; and with
-what a readiness she responded to the momentous question propounded by
-the minister. And when they stood as husband and wife, her Milesian face
-lighted up with irrepressible joy, until it beamed like a Chinese
-lantern.
-
-Her emotions went far to convince me that there is in those matrimonial
-fields a balm for every ill; a perfect bliss worthy the seeking, even at
-the risk of receiving the bruised spirit, if not the bruised head.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                          ODE ON A BUMBLE-BEE.
-
-
-[Illustration]
-
-  Oh, busy, breezy bumble-bee,
-  A fitting theme in you I see!
-  At once you backward turn my gaze
-  To orchard, mead, and pasture days,
-  To watch your movements to and fro
-  With wondering eyes, as years ago.
-  Come, let me set my mark on thee,
-  As thou hast oft remembered me,
-  When with a seeming special zeal
-  You hastened to affix your seal.
-  I’ve heard your gruff good-morrow ring
-  When meeting kinsfolk on the wing;
-  Now coming zig-zag, light and airy,
-  Now going laden, straight and wary;
-  Still mindful of the spider’s snare
-  And kingbird, pirate of the air.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-  I’ve seen you upward turn your eye,
-  When clouds began to fleck the sky,
-  The winds to chafe the village pond,
-  And thunder rumble far beyond
-  And threaten storm, ere you could fill
-  Your honey sack, so empty still.
-  I’ve heard you whining forth your grief
-  When rain commenced to pelt the leaf,
-  And made you take the shortest road
-  That brought you to your dark abode.
-  I’ve marked your grumbling when you found
-  The working bee had been around;
-  Had left his bed and waxen door
-  And reached the field an hour before;
-  For still, with early bird, or bee,
-  Or man, the maxim does agree
-  They all must be content to find
-  What early risers leave behind.
-  Against the bell I’ve heard you storm,
-  Because it kept your burly form
-  From passing in the honeyed way,
-  That open to the emmet lay.
-  Thus human folk are oft denied
-  What, in their judgment, or their pride,
-  They should enjoy, though kept instead
-  For meaner things that creep ahead.
-  I know how apt you are to cling
-  To locks of hair, to hide and sing,
-  And keep the victim still in doubt
-  Just where the mischief will break out;
-  I know full well your angry tone,
-  And how you stab to find the bone;
-  With what a brave, heroic breast
-  Ye strike for queen and treasure chest,
-  Like Sparta’s sons, at duty’s call,
-  Compelled to win, or fighting fall;
-  Not fearing odds, nor counting twice,
-  Ye fix your bayonet in a trice,
-  And charge upon the nearest foe,
-  And break the ranks where’er you go.
-  For not the stroke of halberdier
-  Nor thrust of Macedonian spear
-  Can check your onset when you fly
-  With full intent to do or die!
-  Beneath your straight and rapid dart
-  The foe will tumble, turn, depart,
-  And leave you victor, to report
-  Your doings at the Queen Bee’s court.
-  And proudly may you bare your brow,
-  In presence of your sovereign bow,
-  And tell her why you came so late,
-  Thus panting, to the palace gate;
-  And show your limbs of wax bereft,
-  Your right arm crushed, and sprained the left,
-  Your twisted horn, exhausted sting,
-  Your wounded scalp and tattered wing,
-  But how, in spite of every ill,
-  You struck for independence still,
-  Until the acre lot was free
-  Of all that would molest the bee.
-
-  ’Tis said that youngsters have a knack
-  To take you prisoner by the back;
-  To catch you by the wings, in haste,
-  A piece above the belted waist,
-  And hold you thus, to struggle there,
-  And use your sting on empty air.
-  But once I tried, and once I missed,
-  For you’re a great contortionist,
-  And somehow turn, and manage still
-  To plant your poison where you will.
-  Ah, they are wise, who meddling cease,
-  And let you go your way in peace!
-
-  Though many things may slip my mind
-  Before the narrow bed I find,
-  In fancy’s field I’d often see
-  The busy, burly bumble-bee.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                      DUDLEY AND THE GREASED PIG.
-
-
-Boil-stricken Job had his comforters, who, despite his timely
-injunction, “Oh, lay your hands upon your mouths, and thereby show your
-wisdom,” would still drum in his ear, “Hear us, for we will speak.” Poor
-old Falstaff had his evil genius in Bardolph, his impecunious follower,
-with his “Lend me a shilling.” And I have my burdensome “Jim Dudley,”
-with his “Let me tell you a story.” I was kept awake last night
-listening to his crazy yarn about the “greased pig,” as if I cared
-anything about his villainous adventures.
-
-“Oh, yes, that scrape with the greased pig? I never told you about it,
-eh? It’s worth heerin’, for that was a tearin’ old race, and I came
-mi’ty nigh gettin’ shoved out of the village on account of it, too, now,
-I can tell ye. Down on me? Wall, I reckon you’d think so if you heered
-the hollerin’ that was gwine on for awhile arter that race, some cryin’
-one thin’ and some another. ‘Tar and feather the cheat,’ one would
-holler.
-
-“‘Lynch the blamed humbug!’ another would shout.
-
-“‘Put him in a sack and h’ist him over the bridge!’ would come from
-another quarter.
-
-“A doctor was never so down on a patent medicine as they were on me
-arter that race, especially Parson Coolridge, who was one of the
-principal sufferers, yer see.
-
-“It was May Day amongst ’em, and the hull village seemed to be out thar
-enjoyin’ ’emselves. They had sack races and wheelbarrow races. That was
-the day blindfold Tom Moody ran the wheelbarrow through the grocer’s
-window, and Old Shulkin knocked him down with a ham, and a dog ran away
-with it. He charged Tom with the ham in the bill, along with the broken
-winder.
-
-“They had a greased pole standin’ thar with a ten-dollar greenback
-tacked on top of it, but no person could get within ten feet of the
-bill. The hungry crowds were standin’ around all day gazin’ longin’ly up
-at the flutterin’ greenback, like dogs at a coon in a tree-top.
-
-“I didn’t try the pole, but when they brought out the greased pig—a
-great, slab-sided critter, jest in good condition for racin’,—I got sort
-o’ interested in the performance. His tail was more’n a foot long, and
-it was greased until it would slip through a feller’s fingers like a
-newly caught eel.
-
-“Several of the boys started arter him, but they’d jest make one catch,
-and before they were certain whether they had hold of it, they would go
-one way and the hog would go another. And then the crowd would holler.
-
-“I was standin’ thar a leanin’ over the fence watchin’ of ’em for some
-time, and I see the pig was in the habit of formin’ a sort of ring with
-his tail; leastwise he’d lap it over so that it e’enmost formed a
-knot—all it lacked was the end wanted drawin’ through. I cal’lated that
-a feller with pooty nimble fingers could make a tie by jest slippin’ his
-fingers through the ring and haulin’ the end of the tail through. That
-would make a plaguey good knot, and prevent his hand from slippin’ off.
-Arter thinkin’ over it for some time I concluded if I could git up a bet
-that would pay for the hardships that a feller would be likely to
-experience, I would try a catch anyhow.
-
-“So I ses to Jake Swasey, who stood alongside of me, ‘Jake, I believe
-that I kin hold that pig until he gins out.’
-
-“‘Hold?’ he ses, surprised like and raisin’ his eyebrows just that way;
-‘what’s the matter of ye? hain’t ye slept well? Ye mout as well try to
-hold old Nick by the tail as that big, slab-sided critter.’
-
-“‘Wal, now, jest wait a bit,’ ses I; so I went on and told him what I
-cal’lated to do, and arter he looked awhile, he ses, ‘Wal, go ahead,
-Jim, I’ll back ye. I reckon we can git any amount of odds so long as we
-keep the knot bus’ness to ourselves.’
-
-“So pullin’ off my coat I gin it to Jake to hold, and jumpin’ on the
-fence, I hollered, ‘I’ll bet ten to twenty that I kin freeze to the
-pig’s tail till he gins out!’
-
-“Great fish-hooks! you ought to have seen ’em a-rustlin’ towards me. I
-couldn’t see anythin’ but hands for five minutes, as they were holdin’
-of ’em up, and signalin’, an’ a-hollerin’, ‘I’ll take that bet, Dudley,
-I’ll take that bet!’ I got rid of what money I had about me pooty soon,
-and Jake Swasey was jest a-spreadin’ out his greenbacks like a
-paymaster, and arter he exhausted his treasury he started arter his
-sister to git what money she had. I hollered to him to come back—I was
-fearin’ he’d tell her about the knot bus’ness; but he wasn’t no fool and
-knowed too well what gals are to trust her with any payin’ secret.
-
-“Old Judge Perkins was thar, jolly as a boy on the last day of school.
-Wal, he was holdin’ of the stakes, and his pockets were crammed
-chockfull of greenbacks. He was a pooty good friend of mine, and
-couldn’t conceive how in thunder I was a-gwine to get my money back.
-
-[Illustration: JUDGE PERKINS.]
-
-“Beckonin’ of me one side—‘Dudley,’ ses he, kind of low that way, and
-confidentially like, ‘I know you’re as hard to catch as an old trout
-with three broken hooks in its gill; but I can’t help thinkin’ a greased
-pig’s tail is a mi’ty slippery foundation to build hopes on.’
-
-“‘Never mind, Judge,’ ses I, winkin’, ‘I can see my way through.’
-
-“‘Yes, Dudley,’ he ses, a-shakin’ of his head dubious like, ‘that’s what
-the fly ses when he’s a-buttin’ his head against the winder.’
-
-“‘Wal,’ ses I, ‘without the tail pulls out, I cal’late to travel mi’ty
-close in the wake of that swine for the next half hour;’ and with that I
-moved off to where the pig was standin’ and listenin’ to all that was
-gwine on.
-
-“I fooled round him a little until I got betwixt him and the crowd, and
-when he flopped his tail over as I was tellin’ ye, I made one desperate
-lunge, and made a go of it the fust time. I jest hauled the end through
-while he was turnin’ round, and grabbin’ hold above my hand, rolled it
-down into the tightest knot you ever sot eyes on. It was about two
-inches from the end of the tail, and he scolloped around so amazin’
-lively nobody could see it. The crowd allowed I was hangin’ on the
-straight tail, and they didn’t know what to make of the performance
-anyhow.
-
-“‘Go it, piggy,’ I ses to myself, just that way, ‘I guess it’s only a
-question of endurance now, as the gal said when she had the flea under
-the hot flat-iron.’
-
-“The gate was open, and arter a few circles around the lot, the hog
-p’inted for it, and away he went, pig fust and I arter. He ran
-helter-skelter under old Mother Sheehan, the fruit woman, jest as she
-was comin’ through the gateway with a big basket of apples on each arm.
-I did hate like snakes to hoist the old lady, bounce me if I didn’t! I
-would ruther have run around a mountain than do it, ’cause you see she
-had jest been gittin’ off a bed of sickness that came nigh shroudin’
-her, and she wasn’t prepared for a panic, by any means. I did my best to
-swing the critter around and git him off the notion of goin’ through,
-but his mind was made up. Thar was plenty of room outside for him to
-pass along without disturbin’ the old lady, but a hog is a hog, you
-know—contrary the world over. Besides, he allowed he could brush me off
-by the operation, but I wasn’t so easily got rid of. The money was up,
-you see, and I had no choice but to follow where he led and stick to the
-rooter till he gin out. ‘Where thou goest, I will go,’ I ses to myself,
-rememberin’ the passage in the Scriptures, and duckin’ my head to follow
-him. I scrouched down as low as I could and keep on my feet; for I
-cal’lated, do my best, the old woman would git elevated pooty lively.
-
-[Illustration: BAD FOR THE FRUIT BUSINESS.]
-
-“She hollered as though a whole menagerie—elephants, kangaroos, snakes
-and all—had broke loose. Her sight wasn’t any too clear, and the whole
-proceedin’s had come upon her so sudden that she didn’t exactly know
-what sort of an animal was thar. She would have been satisfied it was a
-hog if it hadn’t taken so long to git through. I followed so close to
-his hams that she reckoned we both made one animal. The hog gin a snort
-when he started in to run the blockade, and she ses to herself, ‘Thar
-goes a big hog,’ but about the time she reckoned he had got out on the
-other side, I come a humpin’ and a boomin’ along in my shirt-sleeves,
-and gin her a second boost, throwin’ the old woman completely off her
-pins and out of her calculations at once.
-
-“She did holler good, thar’s no mistake about that.
-
-“The crowd hoorayed and applauded. The older ones of course sympathized
-with the poor old woman; but they could do nothin’ more, ’cause the
-whole catastrophe come as sudden as an earthquake and nobody seemed to
-be to blame. I wasn’t, and they all could see that plain enough. The
-young uns went for the scattered apples, but the pig and I kept right on
-attendin’ to business. Now and agin he’d double back towards the crowd,
-and they’d commence scatterin’ every which way, trampin’ on each other’s
-feet. Si Grope, the cashiered man-of-wars-man, stepped on Pat Cronin’s
-bunion, and he responded by fetchin’ the old salt a welt in the burr of
-the ear, and at it they went, tooth and nail, right thar. A few stopped
-to see fair play, but the heft of the crowd, about three hundred, kept
-right on arter me and the hog.
-
-“Jake Swasey managed to git up pooty nigh to us once and hollered, ‘How
-are you makin’ it, Jim?’
-
-“‘Fustrate,’ I answered; ‘I cal’late to stick to this swine through bush
-and bramble till I tire him out.’
-
-“‘That’s the feelin’,’ he shouted, and with that we left him behind. The
-old judge was a puffin’ and a blowin’, strivin’ his best to keep up, and
-for some time he actewally led the crowd, but he didn’t hold out very
-long, but gradewelly sank to the rear.
-
-[Illustration: BOW-LEGGED SPINNY.]
-
-“Rod Munnion, the tanner, stumbled and fell while crossin’ the street.
-His false teeth dropped out into the dirt, and while he was scramblin’
-on all fours to git ’em ag’in, a feller named Welsh, who was clatterin’
-past, slapped his foot down and bent the plate out of all shape. Munnion
-snatched ’em up ag’in as quick as the foot riz, and wipin’ ’em on his
-overalls as he ran, chucked ’em back into his mouth ag’in, all twisted
-as they were. They did look awful though, stickin’ straight out from his
-mouth, and pressin’ his lip chock up ag’inst his nose. You couldn’t
-understand what he was sayin’ any more than if he was Chinnook.
-
-“Bow-legged Spinny, the cabbagin’ tailor, was thar. He met the crowd
-while carryin’ home Squire Lockwood’s new suit, and catchin’ the
-excitement of the moment, tossed the package into Slawson’s yard, and it
-bounded into the well quicker than ‘scat.’ He didn’t know it though, but
-hollered to the old woman, as he ran past the window, to look arter the
-package until he got back. Not seein’ any package she allowed he was
-crazy as a cow with her head stuck in a barrel, and flew to boltin’ of
-her doors pooty lively. He had been once to the Lunatic Asylum, you see,
-and they were still suspicious of him.
-
-“The crowd thought to head us off by takin’ down a narrow lane, and it
-was while they were in that, that they began to surge ahead of Judge
-Perkins. He was awful quick tempered, and pooty conceited, and when
-bow-legged Spinny was elbowin’ past him he got mad. Catching the poor
-stitcher by the coat tail, he hollered: ‘What! a miserable thread-needle
-machine claimin’ precedence?’ and with that he slung him more’n ten
-feet, landin’ him on his back in a nook of the fence.
-
-“That was the day they buried old Mrs. Redpath, that the doctors
-disagreed over. Dr. Looty had been doctorin’ her for some time for bone
-disease. He said her back-bone war decayin’. He didn’t make much out of
-it though, and they got another doctor. The new feller said he
-understood the case thoroughly; he ridiculed the idea of bone disease,
-and went to work doctorin’ for the liver complaint. He said it had
-stopped workin’ and he was agwine to git it started ag’in. I reckon he’d
-have accomplished somethin’ if she had lived long enough, but she died
-in the meantime. When they held a post-mortem, they found out the old
-woman, some time in her life, had swallered a fish-bone which never
-passed her stomach, and eventually it killed her.
-
-“‘Thar,’ ses Dr. Looty, ‘what did I tell ye? You’ll admit, I reckon, my
-diagnosis of the disease was right arter all, only I made a slight error
-in locatin’ the bone!’
-
-“‘Bone be splintered!’ ses the other feller, ‘hain’t I bin workin’
-nigher the ailin’ part than you?’ So they went on quackin’ thar and
-disagreein’ over her until old Redpath got mad and hollered, ‘You old
-melonheads, isn’t it enough that I’m a widderer by your fumblin’
-malpractice, without havin’ ye wranglin’ over the old woman!’ So he put
-’em both out, and chucked their knives and saws arter ’em.
-
-“But as I was sayin’, that was the day of the funeral, and while it was
-proceedin’ from the church to the buryin’ ground with Parson Coolridge
-at the head, with his long white gown on, we hove in sight comin’
-tearin’ down to’ards the parsonage. The minister was a feller that
-actewelly doted on flowers. When he wasn’t copyin’ his sermons’ he was
-fussin’ around among the posies. He had his gardin chock full of all
-kinds of plants and shrubs. Thar you could see the snapdragon from
-Ireland, the fu-chu from China, the snow-ball from Canada, the
-bachelor’s button from Californy, and every kind you could mention.
-
-“He had noticed the gardin gate was open when the funeral passed, and it
-worried him considerable. So when he heered the hootin’ and hollerin’,
-and got sight of the crowd surgin’ down the street, and see the pig and
-I pointin’ in the direction of the house, he couldn’t go ahead nohow.
-
-“Turnin’ around to the pall bearers who were puffing along behind him,
-he ses, ‘Ease your hands a minit, boys, and let the old woman rest ’till
-I run back and see if that Dudley is agwine to drive that hog into my
-gardin. Confound him!’ he contin’ed, ‘he’s wuss to have around the
-neighborhood than the measles.’ With that he started back on the run,
-his long, white gown a-flyin’ away out behind, the most comical lookin’
-thing you ever see. And he could run, that Parson Coolridge, in a way
-that was astonishin’. I reckon he hadn’t stirred out of a walk before
-for thirty years, and yit he streaked it over the ground as though it
-was an every-day occurrence.
-
-“His j’ints cracked and snapped with the unusual motion, like an old
-stairs in frosty weather, but he didn’t mind that so long as he could
-git over the ground. He was thinkin’ of his favorite plants and the
-prospect of their gittin’ stirred up and transplanted in a manner he
-wasn’t prepared to approve. He did jerk back his elbows pooty spiteful,
-now I can tell you. He tried to make the gateway fust, and put in his
-best strides. But when he saw he couldn’t, he hollered, ‘Keep that hog
-out of my gardin, Dudley, or I’ll take the law of ye.’
-
-[Illustration: NIP AND TUCK.]
-
-“‘Don’t git wrathy, Parson Coolridge,’ I shouted. ‘I can’t prevent the
-pig from gwine in. I have hold of the rudder, but I’ll be boosted if I
-can steer the ship.’ With that, through the openin’ we went, pig fust
-and me arter, and the hul crowd a clatterin’ behind us. The judge was
-amongst ’em, but got left in the hind end of it, where the women were
-a-trottin’. The Parson’s flowers went down with broken necks quicker
-than lightnin’. It wasn’t more’n ten seconds until they were six inches
-under ground, for the hog kept a circlin’ around and the hoorayin’ crowd
-follerin’ arter, payin’ no more attention to the Parson than if he had
-been a young ’un a-runnin’ around. When they saw the crowd, the pall
-bearers and most of the people who were jest follerin’ the remains
-through sympathy, turned back on the run and left the mourners standin’
-thar by the coffin.
-
-“Oh! it was the most excitin’ time the village ever seed. The ground was
-too soft in the gardin for the pig to git around well, and pooty soon he
-gin out. I was awful tired, too, and was hangin’ a dead weight on him
-for the last ten minutes.
-
-“When the boys see the knot on the tail you ought to hear ’em
-a-hollerin’, ‘Bets off! bets off!’ They were set on claimin’ a foul, and
-surrounded the old judge demandin’ thar money.
-
-“But, as the crowd was increasin’ and the Parson was e’enmost crazy, the
-judge told ’em to come with him to the Court-house—he wouldn’t decide
-nothin’ in the gardin. As the hog couldn’t walk, the judge took his
-tobacco knife and cut the tail off and took it along with him to
-introduce as proof. He decided in my favor. He said that I had held on
-to the tail and touched nothin’ else, and if I managed to tie a knot
-while runnin’ I had performed a feat never before heard of in the
-country, so he paid over the money.
-
-“But Parson Coolridge was the most worked up of any of ’em. He had legal
-advice on the matter, but the lawyer told him to gin it up, for the
-judge was on my side. Besides, he shouldn’t have left the gate open, if
-he didn’t want the pig to go in thar. Arter a while he gin up the notion
-of suin’ me, but while he stopped in the village he never got over it.
-
-[Illustration: MORE LIGHT ON THE SUBJECT.]
-
-“The boys had pictures chalked up on the fences and shop doors, so that
-wherever you’d look you’d see sketches of the Parson runnin’ back from
-the funeral, and me a holdin’ on to the pig’s tail. He paid out more’n
-ten dollars in small sums to one boy, hirin’ him to go round and rub out
-the pictures wherever he’d happen to see ’em. But every time the Parson
-would start out through the village, thar on some fence or door, or side
-of a buildin’, would be the same strikin’ picture of him, a streakin’ it
-to head off the hog, so he would start the rubbin’-out boy arter that
-one.
-
-“One evenin’ he happened to ketch that selfsame little rascal hard at
-work chalkin’ out the identical sketch on the cooper’s shop door, and
-the Parson was so bilin’ mad he chased him all over the village. The
-young speculator had bin carryin’ on a lively business, but arter that
-discovery thar was a sudden fallin’ away in his income. I tell ye it
-made a plag’y stir thar for awhile, and I reckon if Judge Perkins hadn’t
-been on my side I’d have been obliged to git out of the place.”
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                               CORA LEE.
-
-
-  Would you hear the story told
-      Of the controversy bold,
-  That this day I did behold,
-      In a court of low degree,
-  Where his Honor sat like fate,
-  To decide betwixt the state
-  And a wanton villain’s mate,
-      Named Cora Lee?
-
-  The bold chief of stars was near,
-  As a witness to appear.
-  (By his order, Cora dear
-      Was languishing below.)
-  And for counsel she had got
-  A descendant of old Wat—
-  Noted for his daring plot,
-      Some years ago.
-
-  It was he commenced the fuss,
-  “For,” said he, “by this and thus,
-  Here I smell an _animus_[1]
-      As strong as musk of yore;
-  And it’s my condensed belief,
-  That in language terse and brief,
-  I can trace it to the chief,
-      E’en to his door.”
-
-  Then to all it did appear
-  That the chief was seized with fear;
-  To the lawyer he drew near,
-      And to him muttered low:
-  “I could never think that ye
-  Would be quite so hard with me;
-  You had better let me be,
-      And travel slow.”
-
-  Then the lawyer quit his chair
-  As if wasps were buzzing there,
-  And with quite a tragic air,
-      Addressed his Honor thus—
-  “At your hands I claim protection.
-  Keep your eyes in this direction,
-  Take cognizance of his action,
-      This _animus_!”
-
-  Then arose the chief of stars,
-  And his visage shone like Mars,
-  When he recks not battle scars,
-      But charges to the fray.
-  And his hand began to glide
-  To his pocket deep and wide,
-  Where a weapon well supplied
-      In waiting lay.
-
-[Illustration: THE CHIEF.]
-
-  “Ho!” he cried, “you shyster hound,
-  If you go on nosing round
-  Till an _animus_ you’ve found,
-      My dear sir, hearken you:
-  I will open, by my soul!
-  In your carcass such a hole,
-  You will think a wagon pole
-      Has run you through.
-
-  “_You_ would prate about the law?
-  _You_ would magnify a flaw?
-  _You_ would touch me on the raw?
-      So now, sir, say no more!
-  Keep a padlock on your jaw,
-  Not a sentence, or I’ll draw,
-  And I’ll scatter you like straw
-      Around the floor!”
-
-  Now the Judge’s face grew red
-  As a turkey gobbler’s head
-  When a scarlet robe is spread
-      On the lawn or fence.
-  “I adjourn the court,” he cried,
-  “’Till that _animus_ has died,
-  And is buried head and hide
-      Far from hence.”
-
-  Then the rush was for the door;
-  From the corridors they pour,—
-  Three old women were run o’er
-      Within the justice hall;
-  And above the tramp and patter,
-  And the cursing and the chatter,
-  And the awful din and clatter,
-      Rose their squall.
-
-  When the open air was gained,
-  Then the epithets were rained,
-  And the passer’s ear was pained
-  With profanity flung loose,
-  Back and forth the wordy pair,
-  Shameless swapped opinions there;
-  ’Till all parties got their share
-      Of vile abuse.
-
-  When the man of “briefs” would flee,
-  Chieftain followed like a bee,
-  Or a shark a ship at sea
-      When hunger presses sore;
-  ’Till, enraged, the lawyer, he
-  Cried, “If fight you want of me,
-  Wait with patience minutes three,
-      Not any more;
-
-  “’Till I hasten up the stair
-  To my office, and prepare,
-  Like yourself for rip and tear,
-      And piling bodies dead.
-  Then, if you can blaze it faster,
-  Carve designs for probe or plaster,
-  Quicker work a soul’s disaster,
-      Just waltz ahead.”
-
-  But alas! his hasty tongue,
-  Vulgar name or sentence flung,
-  And the chieftain’s pride was stung
-      Down to the marrow bone.
-  Now upon him, head and tail,
-  Pitched policemen, tooth and nail,
-  Hot as bees when they assail
-      A lazy drone.
-
-  And upon the evening breeze
-  Rose the “begorras” and the “yees”
-  Of a dozen Mulroonees,
-      As they roughly hale
-  The poor lawyer through the street,
-  Sometimes lifted from his feet,
-  Sometimes o’er the noddle beat,
-      Toward the jail.
-
-  Now upon a truss of straw,
-  Lies the counsellor-at-law,
-  Wishing Satan had his paw
-      On wily Cora Lee.
-  For himself to grief is brought,
-  While the _animus_ he sought
-  Running is, as free as thought,
-  Or like his fee.
-
-Footnote 1:
-
-  Private enmity towards the prisoner.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                      A BRILLIANT FORENSIC EFFORT.
-
-
-Having learned that a highly-educated and respectable lady of this city
-had instituted a suit in one of our courts for the purpose of obtaining
-a divorce from her husband, I stepped into the hall of justice to learn
-how the case progressed. The fact of a young wife demanding a separation
-in a country like this, which is proverbial for its separations, is
-nothing to be wondered at, and I was considerably surprised, on reaching
-the court room, to find it so full of people that I could hardly gain
-admittance. I was not so much astonished at the great rush, however,
-when informed by the bailiff that the ground on which the lady rested
-her case was that her husband snored. As I entered, the plaintiff’s
-lawyer commenced addressing the court. He entered into the case with the
-spirit and fire of a Clay or a Webster. After reviewing and commenting
-largely upon the testimony given in the case, he ended his argument in
-the following words:—
-
-[Illustration: THE ADVOCATE.]
-
-“Now, sir, whatever other people may think of this application, I take a
-bold stand, regardless whose corns or bunions I tread upon, so long as I
-put my foot down where it belongs. We have too many snorers among us.
-They are in our places of amusement, introducing groans and thunder
-where none were intended in the play. We find them in our places of
-worship, breaking forth in the midst of the pastor’s prayer, or while he
-is picturing to the congregation the wreck of ages and the crash of
-worlds. I maintain that this application is a righteous one; that it is
-a shot in the right direction, which will in all likelihood eventually
-bring down the game; and were I a judge invested with power to decide a
-peculiar case of this kind, I would show no hesitation, but grant the
-plaintiff her natural and very reasonable request more readily than if
-the grounds on which she sued for a separation were drunkenness or
-desertion.
-
-“The absurdity of an irascible wife seeking a divorce from a husband
-because he indulges too freely in the flowing bowl must be apparent to
-all. She rushes into the crowded court room, and, figuratively speaking,
-catches the astonished justice by the ear, as Joab in the extremity of
-his distress laid hold upon the horns of the altar, and requests him to
-sever the chafing bonds with his legal shears. Again: what a pitiable
-lack of discretion that woman exhibits who appeals to the court merely
-because her husband deserts her, leaving her to pursue the even tenor of
-her way. Why, in nine cases out of ten this is a ‘consummation devoutly
-to be wished;’ she is left untrammeled, and has no husband to support.
-
-“I will not allude to the many other failings which wreck the home and
-put out the cheerful light of many a hearthstone.
-
-“But, sir, it is with no ordinary thrill of pride that I espouse the
-cause of the woman who seeks a divorce from a snoring husband. I say,
-and I may remark that I say it boldly, that I rejoice it was reserved
-for me to raise my voice in her defence. I hold that a man who with
-malice aforethought takes from her peaceful home a tender and confiding
-maiden without first informing her of his trouble, commits a grave and
-unpardonable crime. The dogs of justice should be loosened at his heels
-to hound him from Puget’s Sound to Passamaquoddy Bay. He should be made
-to repent his villainous act. Think how the tender nerves of a sensitive
-creature must be shocked on being awakened by such an outburst. Picture
-to yourself her husband, not breathing her name in words of love, but
-lying flat on his back, and snoring with the vehemence of a stranded
-porpoise.
-
-“Now, sir, I ask what mercy should be shown the monster who has himself
-shown none? He has doomed a fair representative of that sex whose
-presence civilizes ours, to an ever new affliction and a life of
-perpetual wakefulness. What course can she pursue? There are but two
-roads. Which shall she take? One leads to the court room and the other
-leads to the cemetery. She must either be freed from her husband or go
-down to an untimely grave, perhaps to have her place quickly filled by
-another unsuspecting victim. No, your Honor; this man, and I regret to
-say it, this husband and father, should not be permitted to destroy the
-peace and bright prospects of more than one female. Let it be known to
-the world that he has ruined the hopes of a loving wife, let it be
-blazoned upon the housetops and upon the fences that he _snores_; then
-let him get another mate, if he can.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-“The wife should not only have a divorce from the deceptive monster, but
-she should have the custody of the children. She deserves them by virtue
-of her long suffering and patience, while he who has so heartlessly
-deceived her cannot be competent to guide their little feet aright in
-the dangerous walks of life. On behalf of this sorrowing wife, all other
-wives, and of the wives yet to be, who are ripening into womanhood
-around our hearths, I cry separation! In the name of confidence
-betrayed, of hopes blasted, and of a life aged before its time, I
-repeat, separation! separation!”
-
-He sank into his seat, and despite the order of the bailiff for “silence
-in court,” generous applause swept throughout the room. The judge took
-occasion to compliment the lawyer for his able argument, and said it was
-the greatest forensic effort he had listened to since he assumed the
-responsibilities of his office. The prayer was granted and the children
-awarded to the plaintiff.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                           VISITING A SCHOOL.
-
-
-Accepting an invitation extended by the principal of an uptown school, I
-visited that institution to-day. The masses of young humanity a person
-finds in these temples of instruction is something amazingly impressive.
-Eight or nine hundred scholars are attending the one school on which I
-bestowed my attentions to-day.
-
-[Illustration: HEAD OF HIS CLASS.]
-
-[Illustration: FOOT OF HER CLASS.]
-
-This article must be embellished with a faithful sketch of the boy who
-stood at the head of his class. How he felt at that moment, I couldn’t
-say, never having any experience in the position myself. He looked happy
-and confident, however, and snapped eagerly at the words as they fell
-from the teacher’s lips, much as a hungry dog does at the crumbs falling
-from a table. But my sympathies were decidedly with the little
-contortionist who stood mournfully at the foot of her class. I knew how
-that was myself. I had been “yar,” and I regretted I wasn’t a
-ventriloquist, that I might from afar whisper in her ear, and assist her
-over some clogging syllables. If she could have gone into the yard,
-where I noticed a scholar of the senior class throwing herself in a
-delirium of joy, brought about by a skipping-rope, she would probably
-have acquitted herself in a creditable manner, and won the praise of
-all, for however inferior a person may be to another in some matters,
-when they can choose their game they often reverse the order, and
-peradventure the poor stammering scholar could have skipped the skirts
-off those jogging ahead of her in the common speller.
-
-
-
-
-                          THE REJECTED SUITOR.
-
-
-  Not often does a sadder sight
-    Wake sympathetic strain,
-  Than glimpse of some rejected wight
-    Whose suit has proved in vain;
-  Who often pinched necessities
-    For bouquets, sweet and rare,
-  For tickets to the carnival,
-    The opera, or fair;
-
-[Illustration: A SUITOR NON-SUITED.]
-
-  Whose pocket oft was visited
-    The candy box to fill;
-  The dollar spent that should have gone
-    To pay his laundry bill.
-  Especially the case is sad,
-    If he who seeks a wife
-  Has, step by step, encroached upon
-    The shady side of life.
-
-  The fly no darker prospect views
-    That in the inkstand peers,
-  Than he, whose unrequited love
-    Must leak away in tears.
-  At such a time how ill the smile
-    Becomes the rival face;
-  The “ha, ha, ha’s!” the winks and nods,
-    Seem sadly out of place.
-
-  And then comparisons are drawn
-    At the expense, no doubt,
-  Of him whose overflowing cup
-    Seems full enough without.
-  While he who moves away, alas!
-    Of every grace so free,
-  To criticism opens wide
-    The door, as all may see.
-
-  His mind is not reflecting now
-    On fashions, style, or art,
-  On proper pace, or rules of grace;
-    But on his slighted heart.
-  He now but sees his promised joys
-    All foundering in his view,
-  His castles tumbling down, that high
-    In brighter moments grew.
-
-  To know that now those ruby lips
-    Another’s mouth will press,
-  And now that soft and soothing hand
-    Another’s brow caress,—
-  Oh, dark before, and dark behind,
-    And full of woe and pain
-  Is life to him, whose heavy loss
-    Makes up a rival’s gain.
-
-  The gravel-walk beneath his feet
-    Cannot too sudden ope’,
-  To gather in the wretch, who mourns
-    The death of every hope.
-  The swallows, whispering in a row,
-    Seem mocking at his tear,
-  And in the cawing of the crow
-    He seems to catch a sneer;
-  The cattle grazing in the field
-    Awhile their lunch delay,
-  To gaze at him, who moves along
-    In such a listless way.
-
-  Perhaps he’ll know a thousand griefs
-    Ere death has laid him low.
-  Perhaps, beside an open grave,
-    He’ll shed the tear of woe;
-  Perhaps he’ll turn him from the sods
-    That hide a mother’s face,
-  A father’s smile, a brother’s hand,
-    Or sister’s buried grace;
-  But there can hardly come a time
-    When life will look so drear,
-  Or can so little reason show
-    Why he should linger here.
-
-
-
-
-                           A NIGHT OF TERROR.
-
-
-I am not the oldest inhabitant, and don’t know what sort of storms they
-used to have here before the flood; but I’ll wager a corner lot against
-a plug of tobacco, that this section, for the last twenty years, has not
-snoozed through a rougher night than the one just past.
-
-It would have been a glorious night for a revivalist to stir up the
-masses. Converts would have crowded in like grists to a mill after
-harvest. Since the last great earthquake I have not felt so much concern
-about my future state as I did about twelve o’clock last night. I arose
-from bed, and went to rummaging books, trying to find the description of
-a storm that would equal ours. I found the tempest that Tam O’Shanter
-faced the night he discovered the witches, and the one in which King
-Lear was cavorting around, bare-headed, and that which made Cæsar take
-an account of stock and turn to interpreting dreams, and jumbled them
-all together; but the product was unequal to the fury that was raging
-without. There was no more similarity than a baby’s rattle bears to a
-Chinese gong.
-
-[Illustration: A ROUSING EVENT.]
-
-Then I fished out the storm that howled while Macbeth was murdering
-Duncan, and tumbled it in with the others. This addition made things
-about even. The “lamentations heard i’ the air” of Macbeth’s tempest
-were a fair precedent of the clamorous uproar from the fire bell in the
-City Hall tower. Only an earthquake was lacking to enable us to say,
-“The earth was feverous, and did shake,” or boast a night outvieing four
-of the roughest on record, all woven into one.
-
-It had one good effect, however—one for which poison and boot-jacks have
-been tried in vain: it did silence the dogs and cats. Their midnight
-carousals were as rare as they were in Paris just before the
-capitulation. Quarrelsome curs postponed the settlement of their little
-differences and defiant barks until such times as they would be able to
-discover themselves whether they barked or yawned, and cats sought other
-places besides a fellow’s window-sill to express opinions about each
-other or chant their tales of love.
-
-I know the rain is refreshing, the wind purifying, the lightning grand,
-and the thunder awe-inspiring; but as the poor land-lubber advised, when
-he was clinging to the spar of the wrecked vessel, “Praise the sea, but
-keep on land,” so I say to those people who want to prick up their
-willing ears, like a war-horse, to catch the sublime rumble of heaven’s
-artillery, or sit by their window and blink at the blazing sky, like a
-bedazzled owl at a calcium light; but I know _one_ individual who could
-have got along quite as well if there had raged no war of the elements.
-He would have slept soundly and never mourned for what he had lost.
-
-
-
-
-                         MY DRIVE TO THE CLIFF.
-
-
-I am wofully out of humor, and what is worse, out of pocket, and have
-just been settling a bill for repairs to a buggy which was knocked out
-of kilter on the Cliff House road the other day. At the present writing
-I feel that it will be some time before I take the chances of injuring
-another. The moon may fill her horn and wane again, the seals howl, and
-the ocean roar, but I will hardly indulge in the luxury of a drive to
-the beach for many a day to come. I had a couple of ladies with me.
-Splendid company ladies are—so long as they have unlimited confidence in
-your skill as a driver. But they try one’s patience after they lose
-faith, and want to get the lines in their own hands every time you
-chance to run a wheel into the ditch, or accidentally climb over a pig
-or calf. Those who were with me on that occasion are not particularly
-loud in their praise of my driving. The fact is, I didn’t acquit myself
-in a manner calculated to draw down encomiums in showers upon my head. I
-drove a span that day. They were called high-strung animals. But I don’t
-like high-strung horses any more. If they would only run along the track
-like a locomotive, I could hold the ribbons as gracefully as anybody;
-but I am very much opposed to all of their little by-plays. This getting
-scared at a floating thistle-down, or grasshopper swinging on a straw,
-is something I don’t approve of in a horse. There is no reason in it; no
-profit accrues from it.
-
-But my trotters were frightened at different objects at the same
-moment—one at a snail peacefully pursuing his way across the road, and
-the other at a butterfly winging his wabbling flight along the ditch. At
-once they became unmanageable, and vied with each other in extravagant
-antics. From the first the ladies had no very exalted opinion of my
-manner of handling the lines. Even before we were well under way I had
-the misfortune to run down a calf. Then a Newfoundland dog thought to
-stop the buggy by taking hold of one of the hubs, but he made a
-mis-dive, and shoving his head between the spokes, kept us company for
-twenty rods without any effort on his part whatever. I also ran over a
-wheelbarrow loaded with bricks (the Irishman escaped with a crushed
-hat), and overthrew an apple woman’s stand while turning a corner. I can
-yet hear ringing in my ear the shouts and execrations of the old vender,
-when she saw the wheels mounting her baskets and squeezing the cider out
-of her choicest bellflowers. Until I passed the next street I could look
-back and see the old lady in her embarrassing situation. There she sat,
-caught under the broken table, and kicking about wildly in frantic
-efforts to free herself, while her bonnet was knocked askew by the fall
-and stuck on one side of her head in the most jaunty position
-imaginable.
-
-[Illustration: SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSING.]
-
-At this point the horses became more frightened, and commenced cutting
-up strange didos. Things were getting badly mixed, so much so that one
-horse turned his head to the dasher. The ladies took a hurried view of
-the situation, and voting me an incompetent driver, began to desert me
-by back-action movements over the rear end of the buggy.
-
-[Illustration: BADLY MIXED.]
-
-I shall always think that I could have managed the animals without any
-difficulty if they had not both been frightened at the same time. But
-with one bucking like a Mexican plug, evidently bent on crawling under
-the buggy, and the other seemingly striving to reach the stars by an
-invisible ladder, they were indeed difficult to control.
-
-My companions concluded they had sufficient buggy riding for one day,
-and took the cars into town, while I patched up the harness as best I
-could, and returned to the livery stable, fully concurring with the
-women folks that as a driver I was not a success, and that hereafter
-promenades would suit me better.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                             SECOND SIGHT.
-
-
-A singular case of second sight occurred in the western part of the city
-last evening while I was there. An old Irishman named McSweegan, who
-lives in that locality, is the possessor of a multiplying pair of eyes.
-That is, they have the strange faculty of making two objects of one.
-This natural endowment is particularly distinguishable after he has been
-indulging freely in strong decoctions of old rye.
-
-Yesterday he was attending a primary election, at which he expected to
-be brought before the public as a candidate for a fat local office. An
-influential friend had been intrusted with the highly important and
-vital mission of bringing his name before the delegates, for which
-service he was to receive some petty office if the election was
-effected. McSweegan stood back in a recess of the hall, hat in hand,
-impatiently waiting to hear the familiar name pronounced. In fancy, he
-already listened to the shout of applause that would follow his
-nomination. But he stood with a quiet smile and an attentive ear in
-vain. Candidate after candidate was announced, but the ancient and
-honorable name of McSweegan thrilled not his auricular nerves. The
-ticket was at last declared full, and he was not one of the happy
-number. His friend had played him false—to use a common expression, “had
-gone back on him,” and he was justly indignant.
-
-On his way home he took Lethean draughts in which to drown his trouble
-and keen disappointment, and by the time he reached his clap-board front
-was in capital condition for seeing double. The hour was late as he
-entered his house, but he found his industrious better half sitting at a
-table sewing by the flicker of a tallow candle. His red and multiplying
-optics were riveted by the wannish flame, which to him had the semblance
-of two well-defined and separate lights. This was an extravagance that
-he could not countenance. To have found his wife up at such a late hour
-would have been severe enough strain upon his already ruffled temper,
-for he had no wish to discuss the result of the “Primary.” But to find
-her needlessly consuming _two_ candles showed a wastefulness on her
-part, evincing an utter disregard for the low condition of his
-exchequer. He was exceedingly provoked, and with a view of curtailing
-home expenses, attempted to puff out one of the flames.
-
-[Illustration: THE ECONOMIST SEEING DOUBLE.]
-
-After several ineffectual attempts, in which he scorched his whiskers
-and eyebrows, he succeeded, but found himself enveloped in Egyptian
-darkness. His rage increased. He at once accused his wife of blowing out
-the “other candle” through spite. Her contradictions only fanned his
-fury, and the performance ended by putting her out of the house and
-keeping her out all night—for which unhusbandly treatment she had him
-arrested, and he now languishes in the lock-up.
-
-
-
-
-                               THE THIEF.
-
-
-  Richard Roe was a thief, whose temptation to steal
-  Always grew more resistless when wanting a meal;
-  Once he entered a store, when no person was by,
-  Took a box of sardines, and attempted to fly;
-  But, although he could slope when occasion required,
-  Like a stag to a stream when the forest is fired,
-  The scoundrel was spotted and nabbed at the door,
-  By officers Murphy, McMannus and Moore;
-  And away to the jail, midst a crowd you should see,
-  Went the thief, the sardines, and the officers three.
-
-  The next day came his hearing, and people were there
-  From all stations in life, on the prisoner to stare:
-  There were gamblers, street-pavers, stevedores, undertakers,
-  Ship-chandlers, brick-masons, and umbrella makers,
-  Corn-doctors, reporters, clerks, tailors, and teachers,
-  Fruit-peddlers, horse-trainers, clairvoyants, and preachers;
-  A few women also jammed in with the rest,
-  With their bonnets awry, and their clothing sore pressed,
-  And their uplifted faces, perspiring and red,
-  Full ear-deep in the back of some person ahead;
-  And like peas in a kettle, or bees in a hive—
-  Ever shifting position—so they were alive;
-  All impatiently wedging around in a stew,
-  In the hope they could better their chance for a view;
-  This one grumbling because some one crowded so near
-  That he shot his hot breath in the depths of his ear;
-  That one cursing because some one’s elbow so rude
-  On his ribs was inclined to encroach and intrude;
-  And another one howling and looking forlorn,
-  Just because some one trod on his favorite corn;
-  Over all the hoarse voice of the bailiff did wheeze:
-  “Order! order in the court, gentlemen, if you please!”
-
-  Six feet two, if an inch, and proportioned in size,
-  Stood the thief in the dock, when the clerk bid him rise;
-  And amongst all that crowd not a man could be found
-  With his shoulders so square and a physique so sound.
-
-[Illustration: RICHARD ROE, THE SARDINE THIEF.]
-
-  First, around on the lawyers and officers there
-  He defiantly gazed with a bold, brazen air;
-  And then, turning around, stared the Judge in the face,
-  As though _he_ was the thief and the rogue in the case.
-  The stern Judge ran his eyes the unmoved villain o’er,
-  From the crown of his head to his feet on the floor—
-  While the rogue seemed to study with critical care
-  The time-honored “Court,” with his thin crop of hair.
-
-  For five minutes or more, it’s my candid belief
-  That the thief eyed the Judge, and the Judge eyed the thief;
-  As two rivals, long parted, in some foreign land
-  By mischance blown together, each other they scanned;
-  While there rose from the concourse no perceptible sound,
-  Not a whisper or yawn, even, circled around.
-  But a charnel-house calm o’er the room seemed to fall,
-  Till the flies could be heard on the plastering crawl—
-  Till beneath the rogue’s stare the Court’s visage grew red.
-  But down-choking his rising resentment, he said:—
-  “Richard Roe”—and he spoke quite emphatic and slow,
-  As though weighing each word before letting it go—
-  And inclined his head downward, as men often do
-  When they look over spectacles rather than through—
-  “Richard Roe, you have come to the surface once more,
-  Like the ghost to the feast of the monarch of yore;
-  I have lectured, imprisoned and fined you in vain—
-  You will still depredate, and confront me again.
-  From the door of the jail to the till of a store
-  There is simply one pace unto you, and no more;
-
-  As the dog to his vomit, the sow to her mire,
-  You will glide, the born slave of your fiendish desire;
-  By my oath, it’s a sin, a disgrace, and a shame;
-  With your shoulders so broad, and so robust your frame,
-  With your arms like a Hercules, muscled and strong,
-  With your wind like a stag-hound’s, so perfect and long,
-  To earn a support you’re possessed of all means—
-  And yet you’ve been stealing a box of sardines.
-
-[Illustration: THE JUDGE.]
-
-  “I have worked my way onward, year out and year in,
-  Among characters blackened and blistered with sin;
-  Amongst men I’d have quaked to have met in a lane,
-  As I would the arch demon, relieved of his chain;
-  But I’m frank to confess, and I’d state it as free
-  On a Bible as large as a bed, if need be,
-  In my thirty years’ practice, on Bench or at Bar,
-  A thief more consummate and bold than you are
-  I have never encountered, in county or town,
-  Among whites, copper-colored, or greasers done brown;
-  You’re as prone to purloin as an eagle to fly,
-  Or a salmon to swim, or a lover to sigh;
-  Not an esculent known, or utensil of use,
-  From a cantaloupe down to the quill of a goose,
-  From a tripe in the stall to a fowl in the coop,
-  But at some time or other in your life you did scoop.”
-
-  And as if in assent, Richard Roe bowed his head,
-  While the Judge wiped his face, and continuing, said:
-  “Here so often, of late, you have taken the stand,
-  To give answer for larcenies, petty or grand,
-  That your face has become as familiar to all
-  The practitioners here as the clock on the wall;”
-  Here he pointed it out, and a glance at it threw;
-  And bold Richard turned round and regarded it too,
-  While full back to his ears a grim smile slowly broke,
-  For, despite his position, he relished the joke.
-  “I regret that our law draws the limiting line,
-  For it seems but a farce to impose a small fine,
-  Or to send you below for a week or ten days,
-  To recline on a mat and hatch future forays.
-
-  “But since neither the gloom of the prison, nor fine,
-  Seems to work a reform in that bosom of thine,
-  I will try a new method—throw justice one side,
-  And appeal to your manhood, your honor, and pride;
-  It is said kindness conquers where knuckles will fail,
-  And a pardon may faster reform than the jail;
-
-  Since the stock-raiser advocates crossing the breed,
-  And the farmer finds profit by changing the seed,
-  Who can tell but a change may regenerate you—
-  So we offer you mercy where none is your due.
-
-  “Mr. Sheriff! release that purloiner! as free
-  As the wind that awakes the dull ocean, is he.
-  But, sir, hark! Richard Roe, ere you mix with the throng,
-  Take this friendly advice from one knowing you long:
-  And in future, whenever your stomach does feel
-  Like digesting a fish, take a rod, and a reel,
-  A few hooks, a fine line, and of gentles a few,
-  And go catch your own fry, as all good people do;
-  For you’ll find it more wholesome to follow a creek,
-  And there angle for trout seven days of the week,
-  Than to strive to obtain by unwarranted means
-  E’en a box of diminutive, oily sardines.”
-
-  Subdued was bold Richard, he gazed in surprise,
-  And trembled, while tears welled fast from his eyes,
-  As he vowed that henceforth the right course he’d pursue;
-  And Roe is now honest, trustworthy, and true.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                       A STARTLING CAT-ASTROPHE.
-
-         “Methought I heard a voice cry, ‘Sleep no more.’”
-                                               —_Shakespeare._
-
-
-Last night, soon after retiring, I was made aware of the exceedingly
-annoying fact that a pair of cats had selected the yard under my window
-for their trysting-place, and were behaving in a most demonstrative
-manner.
-
-I have no objection to cats having their courtships as well as men; but
-I see no reason in their having such a hoodooing time over it, making
-night hideous with rascally yowls. There is, perhaps, nothing more
-aggravating in life than to have a little saucy spit-fire of a puss keep
-a whole community awake for hours together, because an admirer of hers
-happens to take a moonlight stroll on a neighboring fence.
-
-The night wore on. Their inharmonious chants increased in volume and
-spirit. Considering the matter, I came to the conclusion that I would
-rather pay the fine imposed for shooting in the city limits than lose so
-many hours from needed rest.
-
-I hastened to procure my shot-gun, determined to make a scattering
-amongst them, if nothing more. As I reached the casement, a bright flash
-from the window of an adjoining house, and a simultaneous patter of shot
-in the yard, informed me that some co-sufferer had taken the initiative
-in the good work of demolition; for though wrought to the highest pitch
-of ferocity, his nerves were steady and his aim was sure.
-
-He evidently hit them where their nine lives were centered, and they
-dropped as they stood when the fatal tube was leveled. In short—
-
-               They died as erring cats should die—
-               Without a kick, without a cry;
-               The faintest rustle in the chips,
-               A slight contraction of the lips,
-               Which brought the pointed teeth in sight,
-               And they had passed to endless night.
-
-Even as I write (ten o’clock A. M.) they are lying in the yard as they
-fell, a terrible illustration of sudden transition from noisy debate to
-silent repose. There they lie, to compare small things with great, like
-a pair of shipwrecked lovers, who have clung to each other through fire
-and water, and at last have reached the wreck-strewed beach in body, but
-not in spirit.
-
-The gentleman who owns the yard has just been out looking at them. After
-silently surveying the dead for a long time in silence, he walked away
-without disturbing them, pathetically murmuring the Latin motto,
-“_Requies-cat in pace._”
-
-
-
-
-                        A TRIP TO THE MOUNTAINS.
-
-
-I have been taking a flying trip over the Sierras about which the poet
-so mellifluously sings. There were many beautiful scenes presented
-during that trip, but abler pens than mine have described them fully,
-and have done them justice, so I will not attempt to set forth their
-various charms. It is not my _forte_, anyway, and I am free to confess
-the fact. Enough for me to describe the excellent lunch which I had the
-good fortune to have along with me, and to speak plainly, I enjoyed it
-the most of anything I saw during my trip. It was no ordinary lunch,
-however. The back-bone of it was a nicely-roasted chicken, which
-reflected great credit upon both the poulterer and the kind-hearted
-young lady who volunteered to see it through the oven. Ah, that brisk
-little lady can prepare a dish fit to set before the gods. If that is
-not doing her justice, tell me what more can be said, and I will pile it
-higher. She is worthy of it.
-
-The virtues of that fowl live in my memory yet. It was good. If you
-could meet an old lady that was a passenger in that car—not the one with
-the bunion on her left foot and the crockery teeth, who mistook me for a
-minister, but the mild old lady with glasses that sat opposite me—she
-would tell you the same. _She_ knows. Bless her gentle heart! If she
-doesn’t, I would like to know who does. She partook of the fowl. I saw
-her looking wistfully upon it as I dismembered it, and, though I say it
-myself, I am not greedy, by any means, so I offered her the juicy neck.
-Did she take it? Ask, rather, if a cat that had fasted a week would take
-a mouse if she got between him and his hole? As old Shylock said, “Are
-you answered?” She was no novice at picking the neck of a fowl, either.
-She manipulated it in a manner that proved to me clearly she had a
-perfect knowledge of its construction. It was not long—perhaps ten
-seconds—before she had it picked as bare as a corkscrew. She did it with
-such ease, too; and that’s what got me. She kept it revolving as rapidly
-as a squirrel does the cylinder in his cage. She had but one front tooth
-left in her upper jaw. The intelligent mind will no doubt immediately
-picture forth a _long_ tooth; and the intelligent mind, in so doing,
-portrays the incisor correctly. It was, indeed, a long tooth, but it was
-just the thing she needed for the business before her. It seemed to be
-specially made for it, as it fitted into every depression or notch in
-the neck as nicely as a key into a lock. It ran around between the
-vertebræ like a turner’s chisel, throwing the small particles of
-nutriment far back against the roof of her mouth. It did me good to see
-her play around that fowl’s neck. I grew young again while beholding the
-busy scene, and actually regretted that a chicken did not have two
-necks, as well as two legs, that I might repeat the generous donation,
-and see the pleasing scene enacted again. As it was, I won golden
-opinions from the old lady.
-
-[Illustration: NECK TO NECK.]
-
-A stout German woman who sat near by also seemed to be looking upon the
-chicken as though she would like to help me make away with it. With that
-magnanimity which was ever my peculiar characteristic, I severed the
-pope’s nose from the trunk and proffered her the delicious morsel, when,
-to my utter astonishment and confusion, she whipped out of her pocket a
-big bologna sausage the size of a stuffed club, and shook it
-triumphantly in my face, so close that it might have greased the end of
-my nose. She actually scouted the idea. Independent, proud and
-self-sustaining, these Germans, and no mistake. She evidently felt
-insulted, and delivered herself of a long essay in the German tongue.
-She was undoubtedly giving me to understand that she was able to furnish
-grists for her own mill. Of course that is what she meant. I could tell
-that by the way she flourished the bologna, and pointed to her mouth and
-stomach. I expected she was about to whack me over the jaw with the
-singular looking weapon, and prepared to dodge on the shortest possible
-notice. But she didn’t. As if to madden me, she commenced eating the
-sausage in a hasty, excited manner, taking about two inches at a bite.
-What could I do? What did I do? Why, let her eat it, of course; it was
-none of my business. I had no objection, so long as she didn’t choke,
-and render it necessary for me to pat her upon the back, which I
-certainly thought I would have to do before she finished her meal.
-
-You may be sure I offered no more chicken to any person after that, but
-picked the bones as bare as pen-holders. If she liked bologna better
-than a choice piece of fowl, it was her fault, not mine. I washed my
-hands of the whole affair.
-
-I stopped a few hours at a mill in the mountains, and while there
-witnessed an amusing incident. There was a small pipe leading from the
-engine, and projecting through the side of the building close to the
-ground. Through this pipe the waste water was conveyed from the engine,
-and at the end of it quite a puddle or drain had been formed, about a
-foot in width and eight or ten feet in length. The constant dripping
-from the pipe kept the water warm, and from it a steam was continually
-rising. There were several Indian camps in the vicinity of the mill, and
-as wood was rather scarce, the squaws belonging to the camps were in the
-habit of congregating around this warm drain when the cold weather
-numbed their poorly protected limbs. It was not an unusual thing to see
-half a dozen coming down the hill to squat beside the drain, and there
-sit for hours discussing the current topics of the day, enjoying at the
-same time the luxury of a cheap steam bath.
-
-There were a couple sitting at the drain in this innocent manner while I
-was at the mill. I called the engineer’s attention to the capital
-opportunity that lay before him to give them a surprise that would be
-fun to behold. This he could do by simply turning a gauge cock and
-allowing the steam to go out with a rush upon the squatting pair. The
-engineer was a sober sort of man, not at all given to humor, and not
-inclined to take advantage of the opportunity. But when I informed him
-that I represented an illustrated paper and wanted to make a stirring
-sketch of the scene, he consented for my benefit. As he went to comply
-with my suggestion, I moved to the window to see how the squaws would
-enjoy it. I had hardly reached my position when the steam shot along the
-surface of the water like smoke from the muzzle of a rifle. At the same
-instant the gentle savages shot at least four feet into the air, in the
-most extravagant positions imaginable. Until that moment I would not
-have believed the human form could assume such strange attitudes on such
-short notice. If I had not been intently gazing upon the pair as they
-sat chatting sociably over the drain, and had my eyes riveted upon them
-as they shot aloft, I could hardly have thought the two dark figures
-performing such grotesque evolutions in mid air were indeed human
-beings.
-
-[Illustration: STEAM LET ON.]
-
-The steam was harmless, as it had to go quite a distance before
-escaping, but the squaws didn’t understand anything about that, you
-know. No person had enlightened their untutored minds upon that point,
-and they didn’t sit there very long in order to ascertain; for the sake
-of the squaws, however, let us hope that it was. One thing they
-evidently _did_ feel certain about, and that was that something had
-broken loose, and that, too, at a very inopportune moment. The thought
-that followed close upon the heels of the other was to change their
-position in the shortest possible time. If they both had been shot into
-the air out of one mortar they could hardly have shown greater concert
-of action. If there was any difference in their sensitiveness or
-agility, the one farthest from the pipe seemed to claim the superiority,
-for, as near as I could judge, she was first to spring aloft. The back
-of one was towards me, and the face of the other. Though quite a
-distance from them, I could distinguish the white eyes of the latter
-standing out as prominently as a pair of silver-headed nails in the end
-of a mahogany coffin.
-
-It may be argued that this was a mean trick. It may even be said that it
-was a sinful act. I admit all this; nay, more, it may be that I will
-have to answer for it hereafter, when you, and they, and all of us, have
-ceased to be interested in things pertaining to the flesh; but in the
-face of this supposition, I must still adhere to the original assertion
-that it was indeed an amusing incident, and will go further and say that
-as yet I have not been brought down to that perfect state of repentance
-where I could sincerely say that I regretted having been the instigator
-of the deed.
-
-I never learned whether the squaws returned to the drain again, but,
-judging from the way they hustled over the hill in the direction of
-their camp, I am inclined to think not.
-
-While coming down the river there was quite an excitement on board, on
-account of the steamer grounding suddenly upon the “Hog’s Back.” She was
-running pretty fast at the time, and the sudden stop threw several
-passengers off their feet, and for a few moments all was confusion. I
-was partly disrobed at the time, and the first thought that entered my
-mind was that we had collided with some schooner on its way up the
-river. Before leaving, a gentleman placed a lady and two small children
-in my charge, and my first act was to run to the state-room in which
-they were. I found the lady preparing for rest, but the children were
-already in bed. Without much ceremony, I seized a child in each hand,
-and bidding the lady to follow, started to deposit them near the davits,
-that they might be handy to throw into the boats in case we were
-compelled to take to them.
-
-[Illustration: “BLOW ME UP!”]
-
-While hastening through the cabin I was confronted by a terrified woman
-in her nightclothes, who jumped out of her state-room as I was passing
-the door. In her hands she grasped the nozzle of a large life preserver,
-which she had buckled around her, and which only needed to be inflated
-with wind to make her comparatively safe. No sooner did she see me than
-she commenced dancing frantically around me in the most insane manner,
-at the same time shouting with all the strength of her voice: “Blow me
-up! blow me up! for the love of heaven, Mister, blow me up!” But I had
-enough to do at that moment without stopping to “blow her up.” Besides,
-I didn’t know but I might have to swim to the shore, and would,
-consequently, need what little wind I could muster to bear me through
-the task. Before proceeding far, however, I met the mate, who told me to
-put the children back in bed and go soak my head, or do anything that
-would keep me from making an unmitigated fool of myself, with which
-kindly suggestion I meekly complied.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                        AN IMPATIENT UNDERTAKER.
-
-
-Now and then we come across a scoundrel, an inhuman wretch, of such
-magnitude that we are inclined, like Bassanio, to waver in our faith,
-and hold opinion with Pythagoras, that being the only hypothesis by
-which we are enabled to account for their being possessed of such
-brutish natures. For example: An undertaker was pointed out to me to-day
-who follows so close in the wake of death that he quite often appears in
-advance of the grim leveler, and secures, if possible, the job of
-burying the body while yet the person is alive, much as he would bespeak
-a quarter of beef of his neighbor before the animal was butchered. This
-individual heard that a man was about to die in the County Hospital, and
-learning that the only friend of the sick man was about to leave the
-city, he hunted him up and solicited the job of performing the last sad
-rites for his friend when death should have gathered him in.
-
-The request was unthinkingly granted, and sufficient money to cover the
-expenses of the burial was placed in the hands of a third party, who was
-to pay it to the undertaker when the obsequies were performed. The man
-of coffins departed, smiling over his success. The only thing that
-remained now between him and a fat profit was the man’s life; but this
-was only a slim barrier and likely to fall at every breath of air. He
-paid semi-daily visits to the hospital to learn how the disease was
-developing.
-
-Each morning as he arose and looked out upon the cold fog hanging over
-the city, he rubbed his hands with delight, and chuckled as he thought
-how impossible it would be for the sick man to live through such a
-disagreeable day. “It’s not in the nature of the disease to allow it,”
-he argued. “If he is not gone already, he will be as stiff as a
-piston-rod before ten o’clock, or I am no judge of cause and effect.”
-
-But somehow the last thread of life was indeed a tough one, and held out
-wonderfully. One, two and three days dragged by, and still the invalid’s
-cough waked the echoes of the corridors and halls of the hospital. This
-annoyed the anxious undertaker terribly.
-
-“What if he should recover, and cheat me out of the money, after all?”
-thought he, as he sat in his gloomy office and gazed about upon the
-coffins standing on their ends around the room.
-
-Then his small gray eyes lingered longer upon the cheap burial case in
-the corner—which he thought would about fit the man in the hospital.
-“There’s no use of this delay,” he muttered to himself. “There must be
-some outside influence brought to bear upon him, and that immediately,
-or the fellow may linger along through the whole winter, and keep the
-money lying idle that is now almost within my reach.” Taking a tape
-measure in his pocket, he repaired at once to the hospital, and gained
-admittance to the sick man’s room.
-
-The poor fellow was lying apparently in the last stages of that
-deceptive disease, consumption. But instead of thinking he was so far
-gone that his obsequies had actually commenced, he was promising himself
-long, happy years of life and usefulness. The unfeeling scoundrel
-approached the bed and deliberately proceeded to measure the poor fellow
-for his last outfit, in the meantime keeping up a sort of rattling
-conversation, like the following: “Hello! old boy; so you’re going to
-peg out, eh? Well, it’s a road that sooner or later we’ve all got to
-travel; so there’s no use of a feller making any bones over it. Rather
-young, though, to have to stiffen out; without even having the pleasure
-of being married—there won’t be no such enjoyment where you’re going,
-the Scripture tells us. There—that’s a good fellow; stretch out full
-length, so that I can get a correct measure. If there is anything I do
-dislike it is to see a corpse stuck into a coffin that’s too short by a
-few inches. I would rather pinch a fellow a little in width than in
-length, ’cause it doesn’t cripple a corpse up so bad. There—that’s it to
-a dot; five feet nine and a quarter, with half an inch allowed for the
-stretching out of the joints just as you are going off. You know a
-fellow elongates a little about that time, so I always make some
-allowance when I measure a live man for his coffin. Now for the depth,
-my hearty! Jerusalem! a general caving in all along the line, eh? Why,
-you’re as flat as a griddle-cake. Ah! that consumption is the thing that
-plays hob with a fellow! it _is_, my boy, there’s no use denying it. It
-scoops a person out mighty quick, I can tell you. Four and
-three-quarters—four and a-half—pinch measurement. Why, blow me, if it
-doesn’t seem like a waste of material to give you the standard depth. If
-it wasn’t for your long feet I would be inclined to shallow a little on
-you, old boy! Let me think now,—why, what a numbskull I am, to be sure:
-I can twist your feet crosswise a little, and make a go of it like a
-charm; but hold on,—no, I can’t do it after all, for there’s your nose
-sticking up at t’other end, and it wouldn’t hardly be doing the fair
-thing by you to twist your head around ear up, for the sake of saving a
-few inches of material, no sir e-e. I wouldn’t do that sort of thing to
-the deadest corpse I ever screwed a lid over; I’ll do the fair thing by
-a man, be he dead or living, though it should keep me poor. I can give
-you the juvenile handles, though, for you don’t weigh any more than a
-Cape Ann codfish.
-
-[Illustration: BUSINESS IS BUSINESS.]
-
-“You’re going off the reel at a favorable time, too, for I’ve been
-wishing for a chance to give my light team an airing, for some time. Old
-Skidamadink over on Market street, I hear, is going to take out a stiff
-one to-morrow afternoon also, and no doubt he will be trying to forge
-ahead of me the way he did yesterday when I had the spavined grays
-along; but he’ll find out that he has got to limber up a little
-differently when Moll and Kate are stuck in his flank. He wouldn’t have
-shook me off yesterday, if I hadn’t that soggy old sea captain aboard.
-He seemed to grow heavier the longer I kept him. If there is any one
-thing I dislike more than another it is a pussy corpse. It is bad enough
-to have a fat person about you while living, but when they come to peter
-out it’s worse,—you can’t chuck them under the ground too quick. I had
-the old emblem of mortality packed away in an ice chest for three weeks,
-waiting for his wife to come down from the Mountains to attend the
-funeral, but she finally sent down word that she had got married again,
-and if she knew the duties of a wife—and she thought she did—her place
-was alongside of a living husband rather than traipsing after a dead
-one. Oh! these women are terribly slippery sweetmeats the world over.
-How fast they get over anything, crying one minute and singing the next.
-Well, well, I often wonder whether they have the genuine feeling that we
-men have.
-
-“Well, business is business. There—now let me fold your arms across
-until I get the width; so we go, so we go, steady, there you are, that’s
-it, that’s the posish; natural and easy as death itself. Whew! there it
-is again, never knew it to fail, follows as naturally as the fruit does
-the blossom; broad across the shoulders, sure sign of consumption; show
-me a person broader at the shoulders than at the hips and I will show
-you an individual that is not long for this world; never knew a person
-of that build that didn’t die of consumption; never, sir; bound to cave,
-no getting around or climbing over it; might as well be knocked in the
-head at birth, for they are sure to go some time.
-
-“Well, time is crowding, I must be off, as I’ve got to rustle around in
-order to have things ready for you. I’ll expect to find you over your
-troubles in the morning, so I’ll say good-bye now, while you can
-appreciate it.”
-
-Thus did the inhuman scoundrel rattle along while his poor victim lay
-paralyzed with fear; hope, at every word uttered by the monster,
-deserting his breast, and despair usurping the vacant seat. With gaping
-mouth and wide open eyes he watched each movement of the undertaker. His
-face seemed to be all eyes as he stared at the bustling trader in death.
-
-The hope of the visitor was, that a speedy death would follow this
-disconsolate harangue; but happy to relate, patients sometimes recover
-after doctors have devoted them to the yew-tree shade; and strange as it
-may seem, the patient in question suddenly improved, as though
-frightened by the undertaker into health instead of into his coffin.
-
-The next day he sat up in bed. On the second he sat by the window. The
-third day he took an airing on the veranda, and passed the time of day
-with the undertaker who happened to be going by. In ten days he took his
-carpetbag in his hand and bade good-bye to both doctors and undertaker,
-and started to join his friend in the country.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                            SERMON ON A PIN.
-
-
-               Give me that simple shining pin,
-                 So worthless in your hand,
-               Here on my desk a place to win
-                 And as a lesson stand.
-               Think you no moral may be found
-                 In such a common thing?
-               That Fancy will not hover ‘round
-                 And apt allusions bring?
-
-               The Poet, with observing eyes,
-                 Saw sermons in a stone;
-               So in this pin a sermon lies,
-                 Of philosophic tone.
-               We see it first, where placed in rows,
-                 The pins lie side and side;
-               So children, wrapped in sweet repose,
-                 In peaceful homes reside.
-
-               Soon from the rest it travels west,
-                 Or east, by land or sea;
-               So loving households part in quest
-                 Of pleasure, fame or fee.
-               Observe it well, with sober mind;
-                 The head, you see, is flat;
-               Thus many heads in life you’ll find,
-                 Beneath a stylish hat.
-
-               When new, how perfect, straight and neat,
-                 How finished, and how sound;
-               So stands the upright man complete,
-                 With virtues circled ‘round.
-               It has a point, and mission, too,
-                 ’Tis seldom made in vain;
-               So men should have a point in view
-                 If they would glory gain.
-
-               If wrongly placed ‘twill mar your thought,
-                 When one would fain be still;
-               So man, if badly bred or taught,
-                 Will treat his neighbor ill.
-               Its life of constant service tends
-                 To keep it clean and bright;
-               Thus men are kept, my loving friends,
-                 By application, right.
-
-               ’Tis polished, like a sword or spear,
-                 And in the light will shine;
-               Thus men of learning do appear,
-                 Where wit and sense combine.
-               It moves around from coat to dress,
-                 As trouble one befalls;
-               Thus men should hearken to distress,
-                 And go where duty calls.
-
-               It oft assists to hide one’s shame
-                 Till needles can repair;
-               Thus should it be the Christian’s aim
-                 To cover faults with care.
-
-               If once ’tis sprung, ‘twill bend each day,
-                 And is no longer true;
-               So thus in life, one step astray
-                 Will often lead to two.
-               When bent, and blunt, and black at last,
-                 Who stoops to lift the pin?
-               So thus the crowds do hurry past
-                 The crooked slave of sin.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                     DUDLEY’S FIGHT WITH THE TEXAN.
-
-
-The poor cur, kicked and scalded during the day, at night can lie and
-lick his sores in peace. The scudding hare that can hold out ahead of
-the baying beagles, until black Hecate waves her wand between the
-hunters and the hunted, may hope to shake them off. The aeronaut, tiring
-of the clamor here below, can rise above the busy haunts of men and hold
-sweet communion with the gods in quiet. But I, alas, find no escape from
-the inexorable plague, “Jim Dudley.”
-
-He comes upon me like a thief in the night and mars my rest. Within the
-holy sanctuary even, he whispers in mine ear. Through the busy marts and
-thoroughfares he haunts me still; and tells of fights and hair-breadth
-escapes, with all the glibness of an old battle-scarred veteran who has
-primed his firelock in three campaigns. He talks of drawing deadly
-weapons as a dentist would of drawing teeth. In all likelihood the
-fellow never drew a weapon in his life, except, perhaps, at a raffle. I
-had long noticed a scar on “Jim’s” forehead, but never ventured to ask
-him how he got it, fearing a story would follow. Last night he detected
-me looking inquiringly, and without any query on my part the following
-infliction fell upon me:—
-
-“You see that scar that looks somethin’ like a wrinkle, over my left
-eyebrow, don’t ye? Wal, you can’t guess how I come by that. Cow kicked
-me? No, not by a long chalk, nor a hoss nuther. I got that scar the
-summer I was gwine through Texas. I’ll not forget how I got it nuther in
-a hurry, for I never did have sech a narrow dodge since the night dad’s
-old house burned down and I got out through the cellar drain.
-
-“I was travelin’ towards the border of Texas, gwine away back of Waco,
-and arter I got as far as cars would take me I set out on hossback. One
-evenin,’ jest as I was gettin’ into a small village, my hoss got one of
-his legs into a hole in the road, and fallin’ over, broke it snap off
-below the knee. I felt mi’ty bad over it, because I didn’t have any too
-much money about me; but I had to leave him thar and go into the village
-on foot, carryin’ the saddle along, for I cal’lated to git another
-animal the next day and continue my journey. I put up for the night at a
-small hotel, and thar was quite a number of fellers a settin’ around the
-bar-room talkin’; but amongst ’em was one big, ugly-looking villain,
-with a glass eye that was continewally droppin’ out and rollin’ across
-the floor like a marble. Pupil up and pupil down, it would move along
-under chairs and tables, the most comical lookin’ thing you ever sot
-eyes on. He would walk after the truant, glarin’ around with the other
-eye as though watchin’ to see if anybody was laughin’ at him. Then he
-would pick it up and chuck it back into his head ag’in, as if it was a
-pipe that had dropped out of his mouth.
-
-“He seemed to be a bully amongst ’em, for when any of the other fellows
-went to pass they circled around him, somethin’ like a woman around a
-hoss standin’ on the sidewalk. I judged by that they were skeered of
-him, and didn’t want to git anywhere near his corns lest they might
-accidentally touch ’em.
-
-[Illustration: BILL AFTER HIS GLASS EYE.]
-
-“I sat thar watchin’ of him for some time, and at last, while he was
-leanin’ on the counter beatin’ time with his fingers on top of it, a
-feller come in and called for somethin’ to drink.
-
-“The bar-tender gin him the bottle and he poured out a drink and left
-the glass settin’ on the counter, while he turned around to drop his
-quid of terbacker. As he was doin’ it the big, bully-lookin’ customer
-h’isted the glass, drained it right thar, and smacked and licked his
-lips arter it as though wishin’ thar was more of it,—somethin’ like a
-young widder arter ye give her a kiss.
-
-“The feller that ordered the drink turned back, wipin’ his mouth,
-gettin’ ready to swaller. When he see the empty glass he riz up sort of
-indignantly, and was agwine to say or do somethin’, but when he see who
-it was, he changed his mind pooty sudden, and settlin’ down about six
-inches, turned around and jest slid away easy like out of the room. As
-he was gwine out I could see his ears looked as though they were
-freezin’, for they were gettin’ whiter and whiter as he moved along down
-the steps. As I was thinkin’ about it, a ministerial-lookin’ man come
-edgin’ up to me and ses:—
-
-“‘You’re a stranger in this quarter, I believe, and let me gin you a
-little advice; it may prove valuable to ye before you git away from
-yer.’
-
-“‘Why, what’s the matter?’ I asked, wonderin’ what he was comin’ at,
-‘have you got the smallpox in the house?’ I contin’ed.
-
-“‘Smallpox!’ he answered. ‘Wuss nor that, stranger; for the love of
-peace,’ he contin’ed, ‘keep clear of that feller at the counter. Let him
-hev his way. You mout as well undertake to cross a crater as him in any
-of his bullyin’ tantrums. Now mind I’m tellin’ ye. If his eye falls out,
-don’t laugh at it, don’t betray yer emotions.
-
-“‘If he steps on yer corns, take it as if old Jupiter hisself had
-reached down his foot and trod on ye, and you’ll come out of it better
-than if you _did_ object, a mi’ty sight.’
-
-“‘Who is he?’ I inquired.
-
-“‘Why, that’s Bill Cranebow,—Glass-eyed Bill, they call him. He’s had
-more fights over that glass eye of his’n than ever a dog had over a
-sheep’s shank.
-
-“‘Everybody’s afeared of him. They hate him wuss than a lawyer does a
-peacemaker. No one who knows him wants to undertake the job of gettin’
-away with him; they’d ruther let it out to strangers. Oh! he’s lightnin’
-at a fight, for all he looks so clumsy. What the butcher is with the
-cleaver, that Glass-eyed Bill is with the bowie-knife. He knows jest
-where to strike to open a jint or git betwixt two ribs. You’d think to
-see him at it, he had practiced for twenty years with some old doctor,
-by the way he can disarrange the “house we live in,” as the poet ses.’
-
-[Illustration: THE MINISTERIAL LOOKING MAN.]
-
-“‘Wal, that’s sort of curious,’ I ses; ‘ain’t thar no person around this
-section that has had any experience at the cuttin’ business? He’s only
-human, I reckon. If he gits a poke between wind and water he’s as likely
-to wilt as anybody else, isn’t he?’ I ses, jokin’ly, jest that way.
-
-“‘Thunder and mud!’ exclaimed the ministerial-lookin’ man. ‘You’ve bin
-used to fightin’ with women, I reckon. Lose his strength? You mout as
-well try to kill the strength of a red pepper cuttin’ it up, as that
-feller. Why, I’ve seen that Glass-eyed Bill in some of his fights yer,
-when he was so cut and slashed apart that you could see his in’ards
-workin’ like a watch. And I’ll be called a down east noodle, if he
-didn’t stand up to his work like a barber until he got through with his
-man. He likes to fight in a dark room best, though, ’cause thar’s no
-chance of gittin’ on the blind side of him thar; and the landlord not
-long ago fixed up one on purpose to accommodate him, he had so much
-fightin’ to do. He’ll work a quarrel out of the least thing. Laughin’ at
-his eye rollin’ off is as certain a way of gettin’ into trouble as
-runnin’ ag’inst a wasp’s nest.
-
-“‘Though he smokes like a coalpit himself, I knowed him to pick a
-quarrel with a young Georgian and kill him, because he happened to send
-a whiff of smoke in the direction whar he was settin’. Ever since that,
-whenever he comes into the room, you’ll see the fellers a-pluckin’ and
-a-snappin’ thar pipes out of thar mouths and crammin’ ’em into thar
-pockets or under thar coat-tails—anywhere to git ’em out of sight, like
-boys who are jest learnin’ the habit when they sight thar dad a-comin’
-along.
-
-“‘Take my advice and keep away from him, for he’s dead certain to pick a
-muss with strangers, as they ginnerally resent his insults. Plague on
-him!’ he contin’ed, ‘I wish he’d go away from the door, I want to git
-out; but it’s not good policy to go a-scrougin’ past him while he’s
-lookin’ so alfired glum.’ With that the old man went quietly over to a
-cheer in the corner and sat down—somethin’ the same as a monkey does
-when a larger one is dropped into the cage.
-
-“I went to bed pooty early that night, as I was plaguey tired. In the
-mornin’ I learned thar had been a fight in the dark room betwixt
-Glass-eyed Bill and a Tuscaloosan. Bill, as usual, had killed his man. I
-began to wonder whether I’d git into some scrape or another before I’d
-leave, and as there was to be an auction sale of horses and mules that
-mornin’ right thar at the hotel, I concluded to make a purchase and git
-away as soon as possible.
-
-“I bid two or three times on horses, but they run ’em up too high. At
-last they fetched out a big mule, and thinkin’ that would be jest the
-thing, I went for him pooty strong, and succeeded in gettin’ him.
-Glass-eyed Bill had bin settin’ on the door-step thar, and didn’t seem
-to be takin’ any part in the biddin’; but when I went to lead the mule
-off, he hollered:—
-
-“‘Whar are ye a-gwine with that critter? Leave him standin’ thar,
-please; I kin attend to him myself, I reckon.’
-
-“‘Wal,’ ses I, jest slow and easy, that way, for I wanted to keep down
-my rizin’ temper, knowin’ what I was when I got mad, ‘if I’m any judge
-of auctioneerin’, the mule is mine, and I cal’late to lead him away when
-and whar I please.’
-
-“Just then the same old ministerial-lookin’ man come chuckin’ and
-pullin’ at my coat, and ses he, ‘I’m takin’ ruinous risks in speakin’ to
-ye now,’ he ses; ‘but I tell ye again, don’t cross him; let him have the
-mule, or you’ll expire quicker than a spark when it drops into a b’ilin’
-pot. He doesn’t want the mule no more than a husband wants two
-mothers-in-law; but he’s jest pinin’ to git ye into a muss, and he
-doesn’t see any way of doin’ it without he disputes the mule with ye.
-Let him have it, or it’ll be wuss for ye; now mind what I’m tellin’ ye.’
-
-“‘No, I’ll be shot if I will!’ I answered. ‘He ain’t a-gwine to wipe his
-hoofs on me until—arter I’m dead, anyhow.’ And with that I began to move
-away with the critter, when Glass-eyed Bill jumped up from whar he was
-settin’ and shouted pooty snappishly like, ‘Hold on thar! drop that
-rope, unless you want to collapse so quick that one-half of ye will be
-in etarnity before the other half knows thar’s anythin’ amiss.’
-
-“‘On what groun’s do ye claim the critter?’ I asked, jest a-b’ilin’
-inside, but keepin’ sort of cool outwardly.
-
-“‘Words doesn’t amount to a woman’s sneeze in settlin’ a matter of this
-kind,’ answered old Glass-eye.
-
-“‘What does, then?’ I inquired, quite innocent like, as though I didn’t
-know what he meant; though I did know sure enuff what he was drivin’ at.
-
-“‘This does!’ he answered, rizin’ up and puttin’ his hand behind him, as
-I do now, and jerkin’ out a rippin’ great knife about as big as the
-colter of a plow. ‘That’s the sort of a thing to settle disputes with.
-No gentleman will argue a case while he’s got an arbiter like that to
-leave it to,’ he contin’ed, a-slappin’ it down flatways into the palm of
-his left hand as he spoke, and bringin’ an echo from an old barn that
-stood near.
-
-“I see the bystanders began to turn pale as whitewashed chimneys, and
-commenced lookin’ at the ground as though huntin’ for straws or
-splinters to pick thar teeth with, but they only wanted some excuse to
-git away.
-
-“‘Supposin’ I should pull out a knife about seventeen inches and a half
-long,’ I ses, jest that way, ‘what then?’
-
-“‘It’s jest exactly the thing I want to see,’ he answered quickly. ‘A
-young mother was never more tickled when she discovered the fust tooth
-a-peepin’ out of her young un’s gums, than I am when I see a knife
-comin’ out of its sheath in a feller’s hand.’
-
-“‘Wal, I reckon you must have been brought up in a fightin’ settlement,’
-I ses, jest like that, for I couldn’t hardly keep from jokin’, he seemed
-so amazin’ eager.
-
-“‘Come, which’ll ye do? gin up the mule or fight? You’ve got to do one
-or t’other,’ he ses, impatiently, as he stooped to pick up his glass
-eye, which jest then dropped out and was a-rollin’ under the hoss
-trough.
-
-“‘Wal,’ I ses, ‘I ain’t perticularly stuck arter fightin’, but it’s bad
-enough for a feller to squirt his terbacker juice onto you, without
-wantin’ to rub it in; and if it’ll be any accommodation to ye, I’ll
-fight fust and then take the mule arterwards.’
-
-“‘Enough sed,’ he answered, just short that way; and then turnin’ to the
-landlord who was standin’ in the door, he asked, ‘Is the dark room ready
-for use?’
-
-“‘No, not quite, he answered; ‘thar’s some pieces of that long
-Tuscaloosan lyin’ around in thar yet, I believe, but I’ll attend to
-removin’ them right away,’ and he started off with a bucket and
-dust-pan.
-
-[Illustration: STARTLING DISCLOSURES.]
-
-“So we all went into the bar-room, and staid round thar waitin’ until
-the place would be prepared. While we were thar, Glass-eyed Bill pulled
-out his knife, and commenced to draw it backwards and forwards over his
-boot-leg, as though to git a fine edge on it.
-
-“‘Wal, you can whet your great scythe blade,’ I ses to myself, kind of
-low that way, for I allowed he was doin’ it to skeer me. ‘It ain’t
-allers the longest horned cow that does the most hookin’. my old
-terbacker shaver has got p’int enough on it to inaugurate a new passage
-to the interior if it _won’t_ cut a har.’
-
-“Arter a while he leaned over to a feller that sat by the table, and
-while runnin’ his thumb sort of feelin’ly along the edge of the knife,
-he ses: ‘The man I bought this from in Galveston assured me it was the
-best of steel; but he lied, I reckon, for I turned the edge of it last
-night on that long Tuscaloosan’s ribs. Yet that’s not to be much
-wondered at, arter all, for I do believe he had as many ribs as a snake.
-I thought I never would succeed in gettin’ the blade betwixt ’em. Arter
-I got him down in the corner and his knife away from him, I commenced
-jabbin’ at his armpit, and I prospected the hull way down to his kidney,
-before I could git in far enough to let his dinner loose.’
-
-“Gewillikins! When I heered him talkin’ like that, didn’t I begin to
-squirm and fidget around on my cheer! I wished then I had never seen the
-place, more especially the long-eared mule. But I see I was in for it,
-as the boy said when he got his head stuck in the cream jar. Thar was no
-way of gittin’ out without comin’ right down to beggin’ off, and I was
-too consumin’ proud to do that, you know, if I was sartain of bein’ cut
-up into as many pieces as a boardin’-house pie.
-
-“Jest then the landlord came back and sed the room was ready, but
-remarked that it was a leetle slippery yet. He sed, for a lean man he
-never did see a feller that had so much blood into him as that
-Tuscaloosan had. Beckonin’ me to the counter he ses:—
-
-“‘You mout as well settle your bill now before you go in thar; it may be
-more satisfactory to you to have the settlin’ of your own affairs, and
-it’ll save me the trouble of huntin’ over your effects arter you’re
-dead.’
-
-“‘All right,’ I ses, ‘now, if you say so; but it’s ginnerally admitted
-that sure things sometimes git mi’ty slippery all to wunst, and perhaps
-somebody’s goggles may prove blue in the mornin’ that were bought for
-green uns at night.’
-
-“I didn’t want to let any of ’em think I was skeered, though, by jingo!
-I felt sartin of bein’ minced up, and the cold chills were jest
-streakin’ all over me.
-
-“So we started for the room, which was about twelve feet square and dark
-as pitch.
-
-“The landlord held the door open until we were in opposite corners with
-our knives out. Then he shut and locked it and left us to work out our
-own salvation, as the missionary did the South Sea Islanders when he
-overheerd ’em talkin’ about the best way of cookin’ him the next
-mornin’.
-
-“Wasn’t it dark in thar though? and still? you could have heered a
-lizard a-breathin’ in thar, it was so quiet.
-
-“I allowed Glass-eyed Bill was expectin’ that I would go a-shufflin’ and
-a-huntin’ around for him, but I had no sich foolish notion. I cal’lated
-if thar was any findin’ to be done he’d have to do it, for I was
-detarmined to stand right thar till I’d drop in my tracks before I’d go
-a-s’archin’ around for him.
-
-“I commenced breathin’ about twice a minute, and not makin’ any more
-noise at it than a wall-bug, nuther. But for all that I heered him
-a-movin’ over towards me. I’ll allers think that Cranebow had a nose
-onto him like a setter dog, for he somehow or another got right over
-thar whar I was standin’. Pooty soon I felt somethin’ a-stingin’ along
-my forehead thar, and I suspected at once that it was the knife that was
-feelin’ around for me; so I reckoned it wouldn’t be long until he was
-a-proddin’ of it somewhere else, and like the boy with the candy bag, I
-cal’lated the fust poke was everythin’; so I made one sudden and
-detarmined plunge and a sort of upward rip, at the same time, cal’latin’
-to do all the damage I could right at once while I was about it.
-
-“He heered me start, and thought to squat down before I got the knife
-into him I reckon. Though his intentions were good he only spread the
-disaster, like the gal who tried to put the fire out with the corn
-broom, for as he was gwine down the knife was rizin’, and the result was
-truly astonishin’. I’ll be smashed if he didn’t fly open from eend to
-eend like a ripe pea pod. It was done so alfired quick too, that he
-didn’t realize how bad he was hurt I think. Ses he, ‘We’ll try that over
-ag’in, stranger.’ As he spoke, he started to git up, but fell away
-seemin’ly in two different directions.
-
-“‘Not on this side, we won’t,’ I ses, as I went huntin’ around for the
-door.
-
-“I was surprised as much as him at the way things had turned out, for
-when I stepped into that room I looked on it as steppin’ into another
-world. When the door was found I commenced knockin’, and pooty soon the
-landlord came and opened it. He couldn’t see me at fust, but allowed it
-was the bully that was thar, of course, and ses he:—
-
-“‘You made pooty quick work of it this time; that feller won’t want to
-buy any more mules arter this, I take it.’
-
-“‘No,’ ses I, steppin’ out, ‘nor claim a critter that doesn’t belong to
-him nuther.’
-
-“‘What!’ he cried, jumpin’ back with a look upon his face that told me
-at once he was mi’ty displeased at the way things war developin’, ‘is it
-you? whar’s Glass-eyed Bill?’ he contin’ed, shadin’ his eyes with his
-hand and peerin’ into the darkness.
-
-“‘He’s lyin’ around in thar somewhar,’ I answered careless like, jest
-that way. ‘The head-half of him is nigh the door here, paralyzed, I
-reckon, but the leg part is somewhere over in the corner thar whar ye
-hear the kickin’; you mout as well be gettin’ yer bucket and dust-pan
-ready, for you’ll have quite a job gettin’ all the pieces together
-ag’in, I’m thinkin’,’ I contin’ed, just that indifferent way, and
-walkin’ out towards the bar-room as I spoke.
-
-“You never did see a feller so set back in your life. He looked at me as
-though I had as many heads onto me as the beast we read about in the
-Scripters. I’ll allers believe that he was in cahoot with old Glass-eye,
-and jist kept him thar to pick quarrels with strangers so they could
-have the pickin’ over of thar effects.
-
-“Arter washin’ my hands and plasterin’ up the cut on my forehead a
-little, I went out and saddled the mule, and the crowd all came out to
-see me gwine off. I reckon if I had stopped in the village I could have
-had things about my own way for some time. Before I rode off I turned
-round to ’em and ses:—
-
-“‘When you git so frightened of a bully ag’in that you daren’t sneeze
-within forty feet of him, jest send for me, and I’ll open him up ready
-for saltin’ while you’d be wipin’ your mouth.’
-
-“With that I rode off, and left ’em all starin’ at each other, and then
-arter me, as though wonderin’ who or what I was, anyhow.”
-
-[Illustration]
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                            ROLLER SKATING.
-
-
-  Oh! skating, roller skating now, of pastimes takes the lead;
-  No more we take the moonlight sail, or mount the prancing steed,
-  No more to fair, or carnival, no more to masquerade,
-  No more along the lengthy bridge, the thousands promenade,
-  No more we see Othello rave, and roll his jealous eyes,
-  Or Hamlet leaping in the grave, where loved Ophelia lies,
-  Or see the boasting Falstaff sheath his blade in Percy’s corse,
-  Or hear the baffled Richard shout, “My kingdom for a horse!”
-  In vain the minstrels shake the bones, and tell the funny tale,
-  Their blazoned bill, or blatant band, to draw the public fail;
-  For those, who still their millions hide, and those at ruin’s brink,
-  Alike throw business cares aside, and hasten to the Rink.
-  Talk of your bounding horseback rides, or of the grace indeed.
-  A maiden shows when she bestrides the frail velocipede;
-  I charge ye, if you’d see a maid when graceful she appears,
-  Go see her on the roller skates, as round the Rink she steers.
-
-
-
-
-                            A TERRIBLE NOSE.
-
-
-I was to-day brought in contact with an old gentleman named Bickerstaff,
-who keeps a crockery store in the village where I am visiting. This
-Bickerstaff is the unfortunate possessor of the queerest-looking nose I
-have yet encountered.
-
-It was not the original intention of Providence that he should follow
-such a proboscis through life, for there was a time when he, like other
-men, had a forerunner ornamental as well as useful. But through an
-accident, the nose he now bears in all its deformity was shoved upon
-him.
-
-[Illustration: BUSTING HIS BUGLE.]
-
-It seems one day, while furiously pursuing a little urchin who had
-mischievously put a stone through a glass jar by the door, he ran his
-face against the end of a scantling a boy was carrying past on his
-shoulder, and set his nose well up on his forehead in a triangular lump.
-
-Strange to say, no inducements that the surgeon could hold out served to
-coax it back to its former position. His wife, who was young, and rather
-prepossessing in appearance, worried terribly about it. She finally left
-him, and went to live with her mother, and immediately set about
-obtaining a divorce from him.
-
-She would, in all probability, have obtained it, if she had not died
-before the case was properly laid before the commissioners; because she
-was capable of doing better, and when you come to see the nose with
-which she wished to sever her connections, you could hardly blame her.
-Old Bickerstaff, to tell the honest truth, did look like the very old
-Nick in masquerade costume.
-
-His nose, as it reposed between his eyebrows, displayed an enormous pair
-of nostrils large as front-door keyholes. At a short distance a person
-would think he had four eyes in his head. He was the living terror of
-the school children who daily passed his place of business. They either
-scurried past on the run, or with their hands over their eyes.
-
-Even among creeping infants—who had often shrunk back from the threshold
-as old Bickerstaff passed the door—he was known as the Boo; and there
-was no danger of them crawling into the street while he remained in the
-vicinity.
-
-Nervously-inclined women also avoided him. They would cut across the
-road when they saw him coming toward them, or turn back, feeling their
-pockets as though they had forgotten something, and hurry back to go
-round some other way.
-
-Dogs never barked at him. If they happened to be engaged in that pastime
-when he hove in sight, they would slope off the demonstration into a
-yelp. And as if they had suddenly recollected that they were wanted at
-home about that time, they tucked their tails between their legs and
-dusted away at a lively rate. Hitched horses even snorted lustily and
-pulled hard upon their halters when old Bickerstaff shuffled by.
-
-The old gentleman had a pew in the church directly in front of the
-pulpit, and the first time he attended divine worship after his nose had
-been set up, he threw the minister out of his discourse altogether. He
-couldn’t keep run of what he wanted to say, no way he could fix it. He
-had Jonah swallowing the whale, instead of the whale doing the job for
-Jonah.
-
-No matter how much he endeavored to keep his eyes in some other
-direction, they would invariably wander back to rest upon that terrible
-sight, and then he would be off the track again in a twinkling. The next
-day the trustees of the church waited on Bickerstaff, and in the most
-polite manner possible requested him to exchange his pew for one farther
-removed from the pulpit.
-
-The old fellow—who, by the way, had considerable temper—flew off the
-handle at once, and in the most unchristian-like language denounced the
-church and the doctrine that would draw the line of demarkation between
-fair faces and plain.
-
-He informed the trustees if the parson didn’t like the looks of his
-congregation, he could turn his pulpit around facing the other way. Yet,
-though he was rough in his speech, and given to storming considerably
-when his pride was touched, he was not altogether lacking in those
-qualities which go far to make up your real man; and when the trustees
-offered to give him the side pew _rent free_, his voice at once grew
-low, and in a becoming manner he accepted the situation. After that,
-things were not quite as bad. The minister occasionally got a quartering
-view of him, but the odd-looking disfigurement didn’t strike him with
-full force. Still, I was informed, the Reverend gentleman’s discourse
-was principally addressed to the hearers on the other side of the
-church, thereafter.
-
-But—to his credit be it mentioned—he always turned in the direction of
-old Bickerstaff when he closed his eyes in prayer.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                           A MASKED BATTERY.
-
-
-I learn by an evening paper that an old lady in the lower part of the
-city to-day, while burning some cast-off garments, threw an old vest
-belonging to her son-in-law into the fireplace. A Remington rifle
-cartridge happened to be slumbering in one of the pockets. It awakened,
-and therefrom hangs a piece of crape.
-
-This draws me on to fasten upon paper an incident that happened in the
-mountains some years ago. I was spending a few days in the mines at the
-time, with a friend named Colyer, who was working a claim back of
-Sonora.
-
-He had three partners in the concern. One was an old fellow named
-Twitchell, who at some time in his life had been a judge in a supreme
-court in one of the Southwestern States—I forget which. At all events,
-they called him “Judge,” and he bore the title with becoming dignity.
-
-[Illustration: THE ONE-EYED SWEDE.]
-
-Another was a dark-looking, one-eyed Swede, who wore a large green patch
-over the empty socket. This seemed to add a double brilliancy and fire
-to the other optic, and gave to him rather a ferocious appearance. He
-would have passed anywhere for a buccaneer of at least fifteen years’
-cruising. Yet he was quite a mild and peaceable man, for all his
-demoniacal aspect. The third was a Vermonter, named Theodore Arthur
-Willoughby Spooner, called Spoon, for short. They occupied a small log
-cabin near their claim, and were like miners generally, hopeful, if not
-happy.
-
-One evening Theodore Arthur Willoughby Spooner was rummaging over some
-old articles left in the cabin by a former occupant. Among them he found
-an odd-looking pistol which the rust of years had rendered worthless.
-The weapon was an uncommon one. I never saw anything like it before or
-since, and it is my daily prayer that I never may. It was a ten-shooter;
-with nine chambers for bullets, and a tenth and larger barrel for
-throwing buckshot, slugs, walnuts, small onions, or potatoes. In fact it
-was capable of receiving almost anything not exceeding a billiard ball
-in size. Such an awe-inspiring shooting iron would be invaluable to a
-footpad or road agent. It was particularly suited for men of this
-stripe; for the man who would not blanch, settle down on his knees and
-surrender up his valuables when that battery was leveled at his head,
-must be brave indeed.
-
-After we had examined it for some time and vainly endeavored to raise
-the hammer, the one-eyed Swede took it. In trying to revolve the
-chambers he dropped it unswervingly upon Judge Twitchell’s favorite
-corn. It weighed about as much as a good-sized anvil, and no person who
-had experienced the peculiar sensation that shoots along the nerves from
-an injured corn, could blame the Judge for indulging in a little
-profanity about that time.
-
-Smarting under the contusion he grabbed the instrument and in an erring
-moment flung it into the fire.
-
-Not a man of that little assemblage but would have given his day’s
-pan-out to have the pistol out of the flames again; but neither wished
-to assume the responsibility of poking for it. The confounded thing
-hadn’t been fully canvassed, and we didn’t know whether or not it was
-loaded or which way it was aiming. It might be pointing out at the door,
-or up the chimney, or it might be leveled at a fellow’s very vitals;
-there was a sort of creeping uncertainty about the whole thing that was
-calculated to inspire solemn and serious reflection, and make us sit
-uneasily upon our stools.
-
-We were not long in doubt, however, for in ten seconds after the
-villainous-looking mitrailleuse settled into the glowing embers, there
-was no foot of space, no nook or corner within the wooden walls of that
-humble dwelling, that was a good place for a man to be who was not fully
-prepared to exchange worlds.
-
-File firing commenced on the right of the fireplace, under cover of
-burning brands. There was a sharp report, a cloud of ashes and a shower
-of coals, and amid the general din the stem and bowl of the meerschaum
-in the teeth of Theodore Arthur Willoughby Spooner dissolved partnership
-at once and forever.
-
-At the same instant the old water pitcher jumped from the table mortally
-wounded in the abdomen.
-
-During the next few moments there was extraordinary ground and lofty
-tumbling inside the cabin.
-
-Not because I was possessed of greater fear, or less courage, than any
-of the party, but because I felt that I had more to live for, I was the
-first to reach the open air. The “Judge” was following close at my
-heels, but in his blind haste he tripped in the doorway and blocked the
-passage. It was at this critical moment that the leap-frog performance
-commenced.
-
-[Illustration: NEEDED AIR.]
-
-The antics of Chirini’s circus troupe, during their most brilliant
-achievements, dwindled into mere schoolboy exercise when compared with
-the gymnastic efforts of the excited miners. Out came my friend Colyer
-over the prostrate form of the Judge, and the one-eyed Swede over
-Colyer, his hair erect and his one dilated eye standing in bold relief
-from his dark face, like the ornamental stud on a horse’s blinker. Last
-though not least interested or frightened, came Theodore Arthur
-Willoughby Spooner, sailing like a flying squirrel over the one-eyed
-Swede. In the meantime the pistol was jumping about in the fire like a
-fish in a scoop-net, showering bullets in every direction.
-
-The clock hung silent upon the wall, having received a charge of
-buckshot full in the face, and the dog lay dead upon the hearthstone.
-“Chickens come home to roost,” saith the old proverb, and indeed it
-would seem so, for poor Judge Twitchell, whose rashness brought about
-the whole calamity, received a parting salute, a farewell shot, just as
-he had gathered himself on all fours to make a final lunge from the
-fusillade within. Fortunately the wound was not a fatal one, though
-severe enough to keep his memory green for weeks.
-
-Some time elapsed before any person would venture back into the cabin
-after the firing ceased. No one had kept count of the shots or knew at
-what moment the battery might open again. We probably would have
-remained out all night rather than take any chances, but the coals which
-had been thrown over the cabin, started a brisk fire in half a dozen
-different places, and we were obliged to run some risks to extinguish
-the flames and save the place.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                        THE PRIZE I DIDN’T WIN.
-
-
-Who hath contended for a prize? Who hath stood in front of an armed host
-with a noble emulation warming his breast? Who, with one eye glancing
-along the barrel to the target in the distance, and the other closed
-upon the world, hath pressed carefully upon the decisive trigger? And
-who hath seen the glittering bone of contention passing away into other
-hands than his at the close of the contest? If such a person there be,
-then can he sympathize with me in this, my dark hour of despondency.
-
-[Illustration: THE BEST SHOT.]
-
-To-day I entered the lists with eighty men to compete for a gold watch
-and chain of two hundred and fifty dollars in value. It was to be
-presented to the winner by the Governor of the State, at a grand ball in
-the evening. I, who prided myself that I was no woman with a gun, made a
-very fair impression upon the target; and fell back. For six long,
-dragging hours I watched the marksmen striving to beat my score. One by
-one the good shots whom I had reason to fear stepped forward, discharged
-their pieces, and fell back cursing their ill luck. At last nearly all
-had fired, and I in fancy could hear the elegant time-piece ticking in
-my pocket, and was already preparing the usual impromptu speech with
-which to thank the generous donor. At this point an individual stepped
-forward whom I had not included among my dangerous competitors, because
-on former occasions he failed to hit the broad side of a mountain. Yet
-to my astonishment he bore off the glittering prize!
-
-I shall always think the devil rode astride of that individual’s bullets
-and guided them into the target; for while taking aim, the muzzle of his
-gun was tossing around like the tip of a cow’s horn when she’s grazing
-in a clover field.
-
-What a picture was I, as I stood that evening at the ball, watching his
-Excellency presenting the magnificent watch I had for hours together
-looked upon as mine. Had I not received the premature congratulations of
-my friends, and been lavish of change at the bar in consequence? And the
-watch—where was it? I feel that I shall never have the face to look my
-musket in the muzzle again.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                        THE COUNTRYMAN’S TOOTH.
-
-
-Last evening, while sitting in a physician’s office, I was amused by a
-countryman who entered the office to have a tooth extracted. The doctor
-took one of the old-fashioned “cant hooks” and went for the molar, but
-whether it was owing to lack of skill or the patient’s ducking while the
-instrument was being adjusted, it became fixed directly between two
-teeth, and after a painful struggle, out they both were drawn. The
-operator saw he had taken out two masticators instead of one, and before
-the patient noticed the fact, one was chucked under some papers lying
-upon the table by his side.
-
-“Jerusalem!” cried the countryman, as soon as he could speak. “I thought
-by the yankin’ and the torturin’ pain you had hitched the blamed
-thingamagig onto my back-bone and was a snakin’ it out. Why, bless my
-soul!” he continued, as he ran his tongue into the awful chasm. “Hain’t
-you made a mistake, doctor, and pulled out the jaw instead of the tooth?
-Thar appears to be a ginneral cavin’ in all around thar.”
-
-“Oh, no,” said the doctor; “there is the tormentor, sir,” and he held up
-the one tooth before the contorted face of the victim in triumph. “Your
-teeth pull out easy, sir, for their size,” he continued, as he wiped his
-instruments and put them away.
-
-“They do, eh?” he exclaimed. “Wal, dear help them that have teeth that
-come out hard. ‘Taint all in the pullin’ nuther, but the incredulous
-hole they leave ahind ’em when they do come. Why, my teeth seem as far
-apart as two Sundays to a laborin’ man.”
-
-“The other teeth will crowd over after a while,” said the doctor,
-encouragingly.
-
-“It may be I’ll git sort of used to it after a while,” he replied, “but
-I’ll be blowed to the moon, if it doesn’t feel as though my tongue was
-wabblin’ around in some other person’s mouth about this time;” and he
-arose from the inquisitorial chair, paid the damages, and left the
-office.
-
-
-
-
-                             MINING STOCKS.
-
-
-The city to-day has been in a state of feverish excitement over
-dispatches received from the mining regions. The telegrams were fraught
-with startling intelligence. There has been a rich strike in the Savage
-mine, and stock is going up accordingly.
-
-                   When stocks are running high,
-                   How natural to sigh,
-               Ah, that I a thousand shares did command,
-                   That I might drink champagne,
-                   And hold a double rein,
-               And be counted a power in the land.
-
-The streets are crowded with men, women and children. It is certainly—as
-an old woman remarked at my elbow—easier for a needle to go through a
-camel’s eye, than for a person to pass through the throng at some of the
-corners. At present the person who does not own Savage stock is not
-considered of much account. I, who am always on the alert for new
-developments, and act upon the moment, make haste to give a sketch of
-the Savage stock going up.
-
-[Illustration: THE ASCENT.]
-
-It is ascending at a lively rate, there is no mistake about that. There
-is always two sides to a hill, however, and though the lucky stockholder
-to-day may reach the summit of his expectations, to-morrow may bring a
-descent that will be something to stand from under. And being possessed
-of quite a prophetic soul, I anticipate the event, and as a companion
-piece for the foregoing, give another sketch of the Savage stock coming
-down, which it will undoubtedly be before many days.
-
-[Illustration: THE DESCENT.]
-
-Well, I can exclaim with Banquo’s facetious murderer, “Let it comedown,”
-the decline cannot destroy my peace, nor deplete my purse.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                             ODE ON A FLEA.
-
-                                     “A lofty theme,
-                   Fit subject for the noblest bard
-                   That ever strung a lyre.”
-                                       —_Coleridge._
-
-
-      Insufferable pest! that with wondrous force
-        Sinks in my quivering flesh thy noxious tooth,
-      To tap life’s current in its healthful course,
-        And break my needful rest, and bring me ruth.
-        Oh! virulent marauder, thou art a bore in truth,
-      And who, that smarts beneath thy awful bite,
-        And poisonous delving, but will, forsooth,
-      Think that sage poet may have erred a mite,
-        Who ably sang in ages past, “Whatever is, is right.”
-
-      I’ll place thee foremost in the swarm of those
-        Tormenting insects that plague mankind;
-      Yet greater craven from the earth ne’er rose,
-        Than thou, mute robber of my peace of mind.
-        In the musical mosquito noble traits we find;
-      When he at night upon his mission goes,
-        And quits the ceiling where he long has pined,
-      On his shrill bugle a lusty blast he blows,
-        To warn his drowsy prey that a raid he doth propose.
-
-      The vampire bat of Southern latitudes,
-        That preys at night upon the throat of man,
-      Quite conscious of the pain his tooth intrudes,
-        Doth with membraneous wings the victim fan,
-        To hold him still unconscious if he can,
-      Of the dark demon hovering o’er his head,
-        Drawing the blood from visage cold and wan,
-      Till fully gorged it leaves the sleeper’s bed,
-        And he, awaking, scarce believes he has been freely bled.
-
-      But thou, black delver, what virtue canst thou claim?
-        Save great activity, which makes me hate thee more.
-      Through night and day thy laboring is the same,
-        Insatiate ever, thou never wilt give o’er,
-        But glutton-like, still sap and bite, and bore.
-      Yet truly thou art cursed in having such a jaw,
-        The champ of which doth try my patience sore.
-      And soon thou hast to scud from angry scratch and claw,
-        And often thou must bite afresh ere surfeited thy maw!
-
-      Hadst thou instead of escharotic teeth
-        Been furnished with a blood-extracting bill,
-      Which once insinuated skin beneath,
-        The worst were past; I’d feel no thrill
-        To make me shiver as though an ague chill
-      Did all my joints and nerves undo,
-        Till I sit chattering like a fanning mill,
-      Perhaps when sitting in the still church pew,
-        Where I should think of heaven instead of things like you.
-
-      I grant there’s naught on earth, nor in the sea,
-        Nor in the windy waste around our rolling sphere,
-      That can at all compare with thy agility
-        When thou art taken with a sense of fear.
-        And what was ever formed that can come near
-      Thy well-knit bones? Thy strange infrangibility
-        Is too well known to need long mention here,
-      For who but oft has seen thee spring away quite free,
-        Although between the fingers rolled most spitefully.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                     FIGHTING IT OUT ON THAT LINE.
-
-
-While crossing Telegraph Hill this evening in the vicinity of the beach,
-I witnessed an incident which has kept me smiling to myself for the last
-two hours.
-
-A couple of carters met in a street at a place which needed repairing.
-One cart was heavily loaded with brick. The other contained a small lot
-of coal.
-
-The driver of No. 1 was in favor of suspending that time-honored clause
-in common law, which says, “turn to the right.” Having the heavier load
-he wished to adopt the English system:—
-
-            “The law of the road is a paradox quite;
-              For as you are driving along,
-            If you go to the left you are sure to go right,
-              If you go to the right you go wrong.”
-
-But driver No. 2 was immovable as Cæsar when the conspirators with ready
-weapons knelt around him. He was determined to enforce his prerogative,
-even to the anchoring of his opponent’s cart.
-
-No. 1 said he would “stand there until his corns sprouted.” No. 2
-replied that he “wouldn’t budge until his corns not only sprouted, but
-until they went to seed, or he would have his rights.”
-
-After considerable loud talk in which they freely expressed unqualified
-opinions of each other, they commenced unhitching their horses from the
-carts, as night was setting in, and quietly started off to their
-respective stables.
-
-It happened they had met directly before the residence of a stout Teuton
-who owns a large brewery at the Beach. They had scarcely left the
-disputed point when the brewer arrived. His flushed face showed he had
-been freely testing the quality of his malt liquor. He demanded of some
-bystanders how the carts came there. Being informed of the whys and
-wherefores to his satisfaction, he called out his two stout sons to
-assist in removing the unsightly ornaments.
-
-The united efforts of the three soon started the carts down the hill, in
-the direction of the bay, like a battery of flying artillery. It was
-only a few rods to the water, and in they plunged, one after the other,
-and shot out from the shore like things of life. The old man and his
-sons stood upon the crest of the hill viewing the descent in silence.
-After they had been successfully launched, the trio retired into the
-house with that self-satisfied and confident air that Emperor William
-and his two warlike aids might exhibit when retiring to their tent after
-a battle in which the enemy was routed. To some of the bystanders this
-seemed rather a precipitate proceeding; but to my untutored mind it was
-an act worthy to be ranked with the judicial hangings by the San
-Francisco Vigilance Committee.
-
-As I left the hill, I took a last look back at the carts, fast growing
-indistinct in the gloom and mist closing over the bay. One craft was
-hugging the shore off Black Point, with a close reefed tail-board, and
-her wheel well under water. The other was sinking by the stern, but
-still scudding under bare poles in the direction of Raccoon Straits.
-
-
-
-
-                    DUDLEY’S FIGHT WITH DR. TWEEZER.
-
-
-Jim Dudley called again last night, and, as usual, bored me with one of
-his yarns. I overshot myself by mentioning to him how low he stood in
-the estimation of Doctor Tweezer, for that brought down the following
-upon my head:—
-
-“Dr. Tweezer didn’t speak very highly of me, eh! Wal, ’tain’t to be
-wondered at when you know how I wrought upon his feelin’s once. When a
-feller has to go around among his patients for more’n two weeks with a
-beefsteak the size of a hearth rug tied to his face, as _he_ did, he
-ain’t agwine to hurt himself eulogizin’ the person who set him off,—not
-much.
-
-“Ever fight? wal, I reckon you’d think so if you had seen the Doctor’s
-yard arter we got through turnin’ the chips over thar. _He_ can fight,
-and squirm like a cat with her tail in a tongs, that Dr. Tweezer can.
-
-“You see the Doctor’s place was alongside the widder Gezot’s, and she
-had a numerous assortment of hens, specimens from cold countries, with
-feathers clear down to thar toe nails; and others from bilin’ hot
-districts, with no feathers at all onto ’em, ‘ceptin’ a few downy
-substitutes frillin’ around the neck. They were continually a-gettin’
-into his garden and a sprawlin’ round in the soft beds thar.
-
-“He was pooty mad over it too, for he prided himself on razin’ early
-vegetables, and two or three times he cautioned her to look arter her
-p’ultry, or he’d gin ’em a dose that would warm thar little gizzards for
-em’ if he was any judge of drugs.
-
-“The widder Gezot was a plaguey stirrin’ little woman, one that was
-allers willin’ to flounder ahead the best way she could. Being myself
-somewhat interested in the lady, I used to ginnerally chime in when she
-got into any difficulty.
-
-“She soon told me what Dr. Tweezer said about the hens; so we set in,
-and poked ’em, and stuck feathers through their bills, and did all we
-could, except wringing their necks, to keep ’em out of his garden.
-
-“But hens are hens, you know, and the warm sand makes ’em feel mi’ty
-nice, I reckon. They still managed to git through the fence, or over it,
-and hold caucuses in the Doctor’s onion beds. One day arter I had bin
-down town talkin’ politics with the boys thar, I was settin’ on the
-widder’s door-step smokin’ and musin’ like, when I see her hens come
-a-rustlin’ hum as though forty hawks were a-stirrin’ ’em up. They
-p’inted straight for the water trough, and after takin’ about two dips
-into it, commenced the wildest gymnastic feats you ever see,
-flip-flopin’ around, stannin’ on thar heads, and then on thar tails.
-Finally they quieted down, and turnin’ feet up, lay thar dead as the
-chips around ’em.
-
-“I more than suspected Dr. Tweezer had gin ’em a dose of arsenic or some
-other mi’ty tellin’ drug. So I jest riz up quietly and took a look over
-into his yard, and sure enough thar he was, a-staggerin’ and squirmin’
-around, a-holdin’ of his sides, and e’enmost a-bustin’ with in’ard
-laughter. Now this sort of upsot me. Not that I cared so much about the
-widder’s chickens, but I didn’t like to see a feller so mi’ty tickled
-over a mean trick. So I went prancin’ around to the Doctor’s yard pooty
-durned lively, a-pullin’ off my coat as I ran. I cal’lated I couldn’t
-devote much time to strippin’ arter I got in thar.
-
-[Illustration: GOING FOR THE DOCTOR.]
-
-“His back was towards me, and he never suspicioned I was comin’, but
-stooped over warpin’ around and sort of unwittin’ly invitin’ a kick.
-
-“‘It’s mi’ty funny business, a-pizenin’ chickens, isn’t it?’ I ses, jest
-that way, and at the same time I gin him such a hoist, that I sent him
-playin’ leap-frog mor’n fifteen feet, and for a few moments I reckon he
-thought he had backed up ag’inst a batterin’ ram.
-
-“He was mi’ty cranky though, and turned round quicker than a dog when
-his tail is trod on.
-
-“‘Dudley,’ he hollered, ‘you meddlin’ ruffian, you’ve invoked the pest,
-so now look out for scabs,’ and with that he came at me like a cluckin’
-hen at a strange dog. I see I was in for a lively time, as the boy said
-when he upset the bee hive. At it we went, ring and twist, duck and
-dodge, hop and catch it, round and round the yard like fightin’ turkeys.
-I could play around him at boxin’ like a cooper round a barrel, but he
-was grizzly on a hug, and could kick and gouge like a Mississippian.
-
-“He went for my right eye like an Irishman for a ballot box. I’ll be
-blowed if I didn’t think I’d have to go one eye on it ever arterwards.
-Several times he had it stickin’ out like a door knob. Finally while he
-was a-fumblin’ around he accident’ly slipped his finger into my mouth,
-and I shut down on it mi’ty fast now I can tell you.
-
-“‘Fair play! fair play!’ he hollered, ‘no bitin’.’
-
-“‘Rats!’ ses I, jest that way, ’twixt my teeth, ‘all’s grist that comes
-to my mill, I reckon,’ and with that I snapped it off at the second jint
-like a radish. Jest then his wife, hearin’ an unusual rustlin’ and
-scrapin’ around the yard, come a-runnin’ to the door to see what was up.
-Woman like, without inquirin’ into the particulars, she took sides to
-wunst, and started with a dish of hot water cal’latin’ to gin me an
-alfired scaldin’. Luckily she stumbled over the dog that was a-skelpin’
-into the house to git out of harm’s way, and her own young ’un that was
-crawlin’ around the floor munchin’ dirt got the hottest bath it ever
-experienced. That gave her somethin’ else to look arter, so that the
-Doctor and I had it out alone.
-
-“Arter we had bin at it about fifteen minutes we held a sort of informal
-truce, just arter a simultaneous exchange of compliments, which left the
-Doctor layin’ across the grindstone and me astride the pump. It was the
-first chance I had of gittin’ a fair look at him, since we started in. I
-see he was punished mi’ty bad. One eye was retirin’ from active service
-pooty fast, while his face ginnerally looked as if he had bin bobbin’
-for pennies in a dish of tomato sauce. I reckon he wasn’t aware he
-presented such an appearance, for ses he:—
-
-“‘You’re lookin’ mi’ty bad, Dudley, and you mout as well gin up now as
-any time, for you’ll eventually have to holler.’
-
-“‘If I looked one-half as bad as you do, Doctor, I would holler,’ I
-answered.
-
-“‘I ginnerally have to look about this bad before my blood gits up to a
-fightin’ heat,’ he ses detarminedly.
-
-“‘Wal,’ ses I, ‘I’ve fit at every election for the last five years, and
-last Fourth, put the bully mate of Terre Haute into a coal bunker, blind
-as a bat, and I cal’late no derned pill-mixer is agwine to git away with
-me very bad.’
-
-“‘You’ll have to be born ag’in before you can whale me, Dudley,’ he
-shouted, ‘for I’ll fight while there’s enough blood left in me to lunch
-a stall-fed musketeer.’
-
-“‘We both suck through the same straw then, Doctor,’ ses I, ‘for I
-cal’late to stick to you like a poor man’s plaster to a beggar’s ribs or
-I’ll have the worth of the widder’s chickens out on ye,’ and with that I
-spit out his finger that I had forgot all about, and the hul time had
-bin chawin’ like a piece of flag-root, I was so burnin’ mad. I allers
-will think he would have gin up the fight then, if he hadn’t seen me
-spit out the finger. He looked down at his maimed hand and then at me,
-and the awful sight seemed to spur him on ag’in.
-
-“‘You cannibal varmint!’ he hollered, as he edged up to me. ‘I’ll make
-head-cheese of ye!’ and with that he made a pass at me; so at it we went
-ag’in, hotter than ever, hands up and heads down like fightin’ wasps,
-round and about, over the goose-house and wheelbarrow spat-a-te-kick,
-and down into the sink pool roll-et-e-roll, and the hair was a-flyin’
-and the teeth war a-spinnin’. I got in a left-handed wipe on his chin
-while his mouth was open, swarin’, and I made his jaws snap like a wolf
-trap, and sent one of his molars a-buzzin’ through the kitchen winder
-like a bullet from a Springfield muskit.
-
-[Illustration: HANDS UP AND HEADS DOWN.]
-
-“I never knowed a man could lose so much blood and stand up arter it,
-until I had that fight with Dr. Tweezer. The blood was a-flyin’ from him
-every which way, like the water from a sprinklin’ cart, and yet he
-wouldn’t holler.
-
-“Arter a while he clinched and throwed me, but I managed to turn him,
-and commenced to shut off his supply of wind by twistin’ his necktie;
-but jest as his tongue began to crop out promisin’ly, a couple of
-fellers drivin’ by in a wagon seen us, and they allowed that I was one
-of the Doctor’s crazy patients that had got the better of him; so they
-come runnin’ in with a long rope, and set in to tie me up right thar.
-
-“The plaguey Doctor turned in to help ’em do it, too. I cussed, and
-hollered, and kicked off both boots, and broke two of my teeth
-a-grittin’ of ’em, I was so consumin’ mad. But it was no go; I was
-a-playin’ a lone hand, with both bowers and the ace ag’inst me.
-
-“The fust thing I knew they had me tied hand and foot, and h’isted into
-thar greasy old meat wagon with some dead hogs.
-
-“‘To the lock-up with him,’ shouted the Doctor, jest bilin’ with rage;
-‘he’s crazy as a cow with her horns knocked off.’ They took me thar,
-sure enough, and I staid thar till midnight before the mistake was
-known. I was pooty well scratched up, but that Dr. Tweezer was the most
-horrid sight you ever did see.
-
-[Illustration: ALAS! POOR DOCTOR.]
-
-“Arter that fight he looked as though he had been the subject in a
-dissectin’ room, with at least a dozen medical students peelin’ and
-hackin’ of him in the interests of science. The Doctor allowed that the
-erysipelas would set in, seein’ thar were so many small veins busted in
-his face, so he painted it all over with scarlet iodine as a
-precautionary measure.
-
-“He did look like the very old Nick, and no mistake. His face was
-fearfully puffed up, you see, and his nose was knocked clear away round
-to one side. His mouth in particular was a study that a feller couldn’t
-git familiar with. It was a problem that the more you looked into the
-more your ideas got confused. It was swelled and twisted and run around,
-out of all shape and proportion.
-
-“He had the terriblest time you ever heard of gittin’ his victuals into
-it and fairly started down his throat. Thar he would sit at the table
-explorin’ about for fully five minutes strivin’ to make the harbor, and
-when he couldn’t fetch it, he would draw the spoon back and look at it a
-while, plannin’ another expedition. He knew where his mouth _ought_ to
-be, you see, and where it _had_ been a few hours before, and to be
-obliged to canvass the whole of his head to find it, was somethin’ he
-wasn’t accustomed to.
-
-“It seemed as if he never would git through jabbin’ the spoon about his
-face, and when he would finally strike the openin’, it would be away
-round on one side of his head, so much so in fact, that a person would
-think he was pourin’ the soup into his ear. He would be all hunkadory
-then durin’ the remainder of that meal, but the next time he would come
-to the table, the same performance would have to be gone through with.
-
-“He couldn’t keep run of the thing, nohow. It was here to-day and
-somewhere else to-morrow, like a wrinkle in a shirt.
-
-“The swellin’ kept shiftin’ and undulatin’ about continually, down in
-one place and up in another, all within an hour, and that would shove
-the mouth away down along the neck somewhere, or clear across to the
-other side of the head, perhaps.
-
-“The family would be sittin’ thar eatin’ no more than he was, they would
-be so busily engaged watchin’ his singular manœuverin’, and it would
-make him so roarin’ mad that he would send ’em all away from the table.
-
-“He tried to eat by the aid of a small lookin’ glass, but that didn’t
-work any better than goin’ it blind. When he saw how disfigured every
-feature was, his appetite would begin to git away from him pooty lively,
-and he would sling the glass into the corner, and fall to denouncin’ me
-like a crazy bush-whacker.
-
-“The yard, too, was a sight; everythin’ in it was painted and scratched
-and painted ag’in.
-
-“Old Mrs. Sharron—who was allers a-smellin’ around about butcherin’
-time, on the lookout for a fresh morsel—was gwine by the Doctor’s the
-next mornin’, and she noticed the blood and ha’r a-stickin’ to the chips
-and pump handle, and she allowed he had killed his spring pig, so she
-dropped in to ask him for the ears and a piece of the liver.
-
-“The Doctor thought she was runnin’ him on his late skirmish, and you
-never see a man fly into such a passion in all your born days.
-
-“He jumped up and pulled his pizen pump out of a drawer, and ses he:
-‘You old faded remnant! you scollop! you creasy old cinder of an
-incendi’ry fire!’ he contin’ed, jest that way, ‘I’ll gin ye jest seven
-seconds to git out of my house in, or I’ll hoist the gizzard out of ye
-mi’ty quick!’
-
-“Jehominy! wasn’t she skeered, though? You never see a cat git from
-under a stove quicker when a pot biles over, than she got out of that
-house.
-
-“So Dr. Tweezer didn’t speak very highly of me, eh? Wal, now you kind o’
-know the reason, don’t ye?”
-
-
-
-
-                          MY NEIGHBOR WORSTED.
-
-
-As I look from my window I am surprised at the change the last half hour
-has wrought upon my neighbor and his immediate surroundings. At that
-time he emerged from the shed in which he keeps his extra household
-furniture, with a length of stove-pipe and an elbow under his arms. They
-were apparently just the things he needed to tone down the draught of
-his new stove, and shoot the sparks clear of the banker’s eaves.
-
-I think I never saw him look better-natured than at that moment. His
-face was clear and unruffled as a woodland pool. His children played
-around him with unsuspecting minds and unlimited speech. The household
-cat, with all confidence in his noble nature, familiarly rubbed her ribs
-against his leg, as he for a moment stood deciding which end of the
-length to introduce to the elbow. Even the old hen roosting on the
-enclosure seemed to settle her head into her body with more than
-ordinary satisfaction as she regarded the complacent scene beneath her.
-
-But half an hour ago all was peace, confidence and love, and now what a
-change is here! I hear the children, but see them not. Their plaintive
-wail reminds me how often laughter is the harbinger of tears. The hen
-with ruffled feathers and outstretched neck stands aloof upon the ridge
-of a distant dwelling. The household cat that had grown old in the
-family, and had good reason to believe herself privileged, purrs no
-more. She has painful reasons to think otherwise now, as she crouches in
-the most retired corner of the premises, assiduously applying whatever
-balm her tongue affords to injured parts. She doubtless muses how
-heavier than an infant’s spoon it is to feel an adult’s boot.
-
-Yet my neighbor was neither rash nor hasty.
-
-He seemed the embodiment of perseverance, as he repeatedly offered that
-length of stove-pipe an elbow which it, like a prudish maiden,
-provokingly refused. Soon the drops of perspiration began to stand upon
-his face and neck in large globes, and I knew that patience was oozing
-from every pore. I knew by the scattering children, the cackling hen,
-and the flying household cat, that the “rose-lipped cherubim” of which
-the poet sings, were abiding with him no longer.
-
-Presently his wife came to his assistance with a case-knife, and for a
-time it seemed as though victory would crown their united efforts.
-Reinforcements turned the tide at Waterloo, and laid proud France at the
-mercy of Europe, and how often the assistance from the mind or arm of a
-noble wife rolls back the enemy from the door. But reinforcements could
-not mend the matter here. The poor woman soon retired from the scene
-with wounded fingers and damaged pride.
-
-My neighbor himself has ceased to strive. Flattened, kicked, and
-abandoned, the pipes lie masters of the situation.
-
-Ah! I am fully persuaded that neither depth of affliction, nor height of
-impudence, nor length of trial, nor breadth of argument, nor
-extravagance, nor parsimony, nor things in particular, nor things in
-general, can begin to compare, as triers of patience, with a couple of
-old frill-edged stove-pipes, that emphatically set their edge against a
-union.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                          THE BREATHING SPELL.
-
-
-               As some lone reaper, tanned and sore,
-               Doth pause to glance his acres o’er,
-               Comparing what hath passed his hands
-               With what before him bristling stands—
-               Behind him lie the shocks and sheaves,
-               While like a sea before him heaves,
-               Far over valley, hill and plain,
-               The waving heads of waiting grain—
-               So pause I now, when half way through
-               This growing book, my task to view;
-               Behind lie many a sketch and line;
-               Before me, countless pages shine;
-               Behind, the thoughts are shaped and bound;
-               Before, they float in freedom round.
-
-               And as that reaper stoops again
-               To throw his hook around the grain,
-               And sinks amid the sea of gold,
-               To rise when hands no longer hold;
-               So bend I to my task anew,
-               And undismayed my course pursue,
-               ’Till clip on clip, and sheaf on sheaf,
-               Shall bear me to the farthest leaf.
-
-
-
-
-                          A VISIT TO BENICIA.
-
-
-To-day I had occasion to visit Benicia. The place is situated on the
-Straits of Carquinez. Not far from the town the Government Arsenal and
-Barracks are situated. And as a striking proof of the loyal and
-law-abiding spirit of the citizens, I may mention the fact, that all the
-government property above alluded to is defended by two soldiers, a
-corporal—who, by the way, has a wooden leg—and a high private.
-
-While stopping there, I noticed they were engaged in the pleasurable
-task of firing a salute of twenty-one guns, in commemoration of Bunker
-Hill. They were having a busy time of it, for while the wooden-legged
-corporal was loading and discharging the cannon, the private was
-forwarding the ammunition from the magazine—about a quarter of a mile
-distant—in a wheelbarrow. “If soldiers will do this in time of peace,” I
-said to myself, “what would they not accomplish in time of war?” and I
-walked away from the spot, congratulating myself for having invested in
-Government bonds.
-
-The town, in all likelihood, would never have been heard of outside of
-the State of California, had it not been for the brave “Benicia Boy.”
-Here it was that he swung the blacksmith’s heavy sledge, and practiced
-the first rudiments of the pugilistic profession, which subsequently
-gained him his world-wide notoriety.
-
-Many of the citizens are yet pointed out to the visitor as parties who
-at some period of their life served as a sand bag on which the muscular
-“Boy” hardened his knuckles.
-
-As I gazed upon the scattered village,—for it is no more,—I mused, how a
-man should come forth from such a paltry place to “awe” the world. For
-as Goliath challenged the hosts of Israel, so came the brave “Benicia
-Boy” and dared creation’s millions.
-
-And as the youthful shepherd, afterwards king, rose up and smote the
-overweening giant with a stone, till all his brain oozed forth, so from
-Albion’s Isle a youthful “King,” smote the western champion in the
-midriff with his mawley, and all his wind gushed out!
-
-[Illustration: ONE OF HEENAN’S MEMENTOES.]
-
-After searching some time to discover the blacksmith shop where the
-pugilist used to work, I learned that it was long since torn down and a
-church now occupied the site. But an old gentleman who kept a small
-boarding house, conducted me to an ancient pump, at which he said the
-“Boy” on several occasions bathed his nose after having a bout with some
-person who didn’t let him have things all his own way, and there I wept
-my tears of tribute.
-
-A large iron-bound boot-jack, set in a glass case, was shown to me by a
-saloon-keeper. He assured me, with this weapon the “Boy” had killed
-several cats belonging to the neighbors which had disturbed his
-slumbers. This boot-jack had also caused the death of a mule, for on one
-occasion the pugilist hurled it with such violence at a cat that was
-scampering across the roof of a shed that the heavy missile went through
-the boards. A farmer’s mule that was standing inside received the weapon
-behind the ear, and immediately went to gravel as though he had been
-felled with a sledge-hammer. The farmer instituted a suit against the
-“Boy” to recover damages, but the friends of the pugilist made up a
-purse to satisfy the demand of the farmer, and the matter was hushed.
-
-I was also shown a jagged hole in a high board fence, which, it is said,
-the “Boy” made one night while going home from a neighboring saloon.
-
-It seems he had some trouble with a companion before leaving the saloon,
-and seeing his shadow dogging his steps, mistook it for the substance of
-his late antagonist; very naturally presuming that his intentions were
-anything but friendly, he turned hastily around and dissipated the
-obnoxious shadow by knocking it about fifteen feet into the garden.
-
-[Illustration: A SCIENTIFIC OPENING.]
-
-The fence rattled and shook around the whole lot under the terrible
-blow. He made a hole in the boards through which a large goat could
-readily jump without sacrificing any of its hair by the performance, and
-permanently injured a good-sized pear tree that stood inside the
-enclosure, about three feet distant. The concussion was terrible. A
-couple of turkeys that happened to be roosting in the tree at the time
-dropped from their limb as though shot through the head with a
-needle-gun. Never afterwards could they be induced to roost upon
-anything further from the ground than the cross-bar of a saw-horse or
-the handles of a wheelbarrow.
-
-No doubt the town at one time had great expectations, as it formerly was
-the capital of the State. It is now a capital joke to see a person
-undertaking to walk through the town in the winter season, without faith
-strong enough or feet broad enough to support him upon the surface of
-the oceans of mud he will find himself gazing wistfully across.
-
-On my way down a man was pointed out to me on the boat who is said to be
-the meanest man in his county. My informant assured me that when the
-mean individual’s wife died last year, he borrowed a pair of forceps
-from the dentist at Benicia, and extracted all her gold-filled teeth.
-And on the morning prior to her funeral he sat upon the door-step,
-hammer in hand, with a flat-iron upon his knees, cracking the teeth like
-English walnuts, and with a sewing awl extracting the filling from the
-cavities.
-
-During my journey I didn’t cultivate that man’s acquaintance. He is a
-person to stand away from, especially when clouds are charged with
-electricity.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                          TOO MUCH OF INDIAN.
-
-
-Take away the dish; I have had my fill of Modoc; have had buck for
-breakfast, squaw for dinner, and papoose for supper, until at the very
-name of Indian my appetite forsakes me.
-
-The appellations that for a season fell upon my ears, like a new poem
-from the lips of some sweet bard, have poetry for me no longer. The
-names, “Captain Jack,” “Scarfaced Charlie,” “Shacknasty Jim,”
-“Rain-in-the-face,” “Old-man-afraid-of-his-horse,” “Sitting Bull,” or
-“Ellen’s Man,” have lost their charm. They have become dull and
-uninteresting, and I would hear them no more forever. I have been duped,
-deceived, defrauded, on account of these rascally Indians.
-
-I have gazed in silent awe upon what I supposed to be the scalp of no
-less a personage than “Old Sconchin,” and it now transpires that the
-redoubtable old chief turns up among the Indians recently captured.
-
-Oh! Oh! how this world is given to lying!
-
-I have journeyed long and far, by water and by rail, on horseback and on
-foot, and purchased at an extravagant price an Indian’s scalp which the
-seller under oath, with lifted hand, assured me was the veritable crown
-lock of that same “Old Sconchin.”
-
-With tears coursing down his sunburned cheeks he informed me, that with
-his own eyes, in the full light of day, he saw it plucked smoking from
-the sconce of the expiring brave.
-
-I have consequently braided watch chains of the hair, fashioned a money
-purse of the skin, and then withdrawn into a private apartment to shed
-bitter tears of sorrow, because the material didn’t quite hold out to
-make a tobacco pouch. And now the distressing intelligence reaches me
-that the renowned “Old Sconchin” stands manacled in the camp of his
-foemen, with an unscarified top and as luxuriant hair as ever drew
-nourishment from an Indian head.
-
-Oh! where shall we turn, or where shall we look for honesty, since it is
-not found in the breast of the Indian scalp peddler?
-
-
-
-
-                          GOING UP THE SPOUT.
-
-
-Rats and mice, like ourselves, often labor at a great disadvantage while
-endeavoring to make a livelihood. They often make a miss of it
-altogether by not knowing the proper time to set out upon an expedition.
-Their life is a perpetual skirmish. They have to take chances and be
-upon their guard continually. Their mortal enemy and dread, the cat, may
-be asleep in the fourth story, and the poor mouse knows not of it as he
-looks wistfully across the intervening space between the ash barrel and
-the basement stairs; but after weighing the chances of escape or
-capture, he scurries across the opening with as much haste as though the
-sharp claws of pussy were raking the stunted fur from his wiry tail.
-
-The sun may pour down its genial rays and the planks which his way lies
-over be warm and inviting, but he cannot loiter to enjoy its warmth or
-survey the beauties of nature. Oh! who would be a mouse? sigh I, as I
-sit and ponder over his life of inherent fear and uncertainty.
-
-He seems to have no confidence in himself. His actions are like those of
-an inferior checker player. Shove about as he may, the chances are he
-will soon regret the manœuvre, and wish himself safely back again at the
-starting point.
-
-[Illustration: AN OBJECT OF SUSPICION.]
-
-Everything about the premises seems to be after him. He regards the old
-blacking-brush that lies under the bench with looks of suspicion for
-hours together, and dare not risk a scamper past. He takes it for a
-horrid cat, quietly and patiently biding her time. He retires into his
-hole and waits fully an hour before peeping out again; but there it sits
-to blast his sight and cause a cold thrill to run along his little
-spine. The fact that it does not change its position does not in the
-least weaken his mistrust; on the contrary, it rather strengthens it.
-“It is so cat-like,” he says to himself, “for it to be sitting there
-motionless.” In the handle projecting from one end he very naturally
-thinks he recognizes the tail, and at this new discovery he backs into
-his hole again in great trepidation.
-
-He feels certain now that he was right in his suspicions. Another wait
-follows. On again emerging, there it lies as before; and if that mouse
-was profane, and had a soul to hazard, it would undoubtedly hazard it,
-and roundly berate that brush through compressed teeth.
-
-It takes but little to set a poor mouse into a perfect fluster. Down
-rolls a stick of wood from the pile, and Mr. Mouse, nibbling at the
-other corner of the shed, jumps at least eight feet in the direction of
-his hole. The wind blows down the clothes-line stick, and simultaneous
-with its fall upon the planks the heart, liver and lights of the poor
-mouse seem to be running a steeple-chase to see which can jump from his
-mouth first. Away he scurries across the yard, so fast, that though your
-eyes were endeavoring to keep up with him all the way, you merely know
-_something_ has been moving, but can only surmise what.
-
-We sometimes think the trials and disappointments of humanity are great,
-but dear me! what are they compared to the miseries of these poor
-creatures. From their hardships deliver me! For all their care and
-caution, they do so often miscalculate. This is evidenced by the number
-of times our old cat enters the house with her mouth full, and her eyes
-sparkling with pride.
-
-There is nothing so very degrading or humiliating in a cat’s life, and
-the thought of becoming a cat does not make one shudder as does the
-thought of becoming a mouse. A good household cat does not occupy such a
-very bad position in life after all; by _good_ I mean an excellent
-mouser, one never guilty of letting a mouse escape after having the
-second wipe at him; no scraggy creature with stove-singed back and
-scolloped ears, but a well-behaved, home-loving animal. The lot of such
-a creature is preferable to that of some men whom I have met in life,
-that is, if there were no rude children in the house. There is always
-some drawback; a cat is peculiarly blessed that lives in a house where
-there are no children; it seems to be counted as one of the family
-almost, and its life, though short, is certainly a happy one. But ah!
-these reckless children, that snatch up Tommy by the tail as they would
-a sauce-pan, and as though the tail was actually intended for a handle.
-On second thought, the life of a cat is not so very pleasant after all.
-
-For the last half hour I have been deeply interested in the manœuvres of
-a large rat in the yard of an adjacent house. He has made three
-unsuccessful attempts to go up the sink-spout. Thrice has he glided up
-the slippery incline until the tip of his long tail disappeared from
-view, but as often has he beat a hasty retreat, assisted on his downward
-way by a rushing torrent of hot dish-water.
-
-[Illustration: ON A RAID.]
-
-He is a determined fellow, however, and sticks to an enterprise with the
-spirit and pertinacity of a world-seeking Columbus, or a prison-breaking
-Monte Christo. No doubt the hungry edge of appetite is whetted by the
-strong effluvium arising from Limburger cheese (the people are Germans)
-that fills the whole atmosphere with an odor truly agreeable to the
-rodent nose, every time the pantry door is opened. The cheese has been
-lately stirred up, I presume, by the trenchant knife of Pater-familias,
-and consequently the poor hunger-pinched rat is allured up the spout at
-this inopportune hour, while the servant girl is washing the dishes.
-
-Every living creature has its weakness. The horse whinnies when the oats
-draw nigh, and forgets the galling collar. Sheep, that at other times
-will not come within gunshot, grow tame and unsuspicious when the salt
-is shaken in the pan.
-
-The hog has a penchant for clover-roots, or wherefore does the rusted
-wire ring ornament his nose? Is it there because it is the fashion? Ask
-the farmer.
-
-And undoubtedly cheese is the weakness of the rat family. It is their
-aim, and often their end, too. It is the shrine to bow down before which
-the rat will jeopardize his life every hour of the twenty-four.
-
-He dreams of it. In his fitful slumbers he beholds it ranged around him
-tier on tier, as in a great store room, and not a cat within forty
-leagues. He is in the rat’s Paradise, and happy. No deceptive poisons
-that consume the stomach, no insidious, subtle traps, yawning ready to
-clutch the unsuspecting victim, surround him. He is safe and at peace,
-and would dwell there forever and forever in one unbroken endless night.
-But the heavy rumbling of a dray startles him, for all sweet dreams have
-their wakings, alas! that it is so! He wakes, and where is he? Under the
-wet sidewalk, drenched and tousled with the drippings of the day’s rain,
-with nothing for breakfast but a dry onion peel, the prog of the
-previous night, which nothing but a forty-eight hours’ fast could induce
-him to seize. Ah, me! what chances the fellow has to take in order to
-secure sufficient sustenance to keep life and body together.
-
-“Honor pricks me on,” soliloquized old Sir John, on the field of
-Shrewsbury, when he withdrew from the general clash and rendering up of
-souls, to breathe a spell, and moralize upon the insignificance of Fame,
-or Honor, as against the value of life. But nothing pricks on the poor
-rat but his craving little digestive organs. The mill is crying out for
-grists, the hopper is empty, the stone still turning, and something must
-be done, and that quickly.
-
-No honor is attached to the expedition, and even though he should
-succeed in making the “inning,” which is doubtful, all that can be said
-is that he has “gone up the spout,” and in the common acceptation of the
-saying, that is certainly nothing to be very highly elated over.
-
-I actually feel ashamed when I think of the many projects I have
-abandoned through life, because I met with slight reverses. Here before
-me is this poor water-soaked rat, his hair still smoking from his recent
-scald, emerging once more from behind the wood box, determined to solve
-the problem of the sink-spout or perish in the attempt. A grim smile of
-resolution seems to part his pointed features, as he moves quietly up to
-the dripping conduit from which he lately scampered with steaming ribs.
-
-They may talk of deeds of noble daring, of vaulting the breach, or
-traversing the wild; but for sterling courage, for indomitable
-perseverance and pluck, commend me to this little adventurer in my
-neighbor’s yard. In the face of three scalding inundations, he ventures
-again upon the expedition, unshaken, unsubdued, unterrified. He takes
-more chances and subjects himself to more risks in ascending that spout
-than old Samuel de Champlain in exploring up the St. Lawrence among the
-Iroquois.
-
-What if the large flea-pasturing dog lying indolently in the yard would
-rouse from the lethargic sleep that holds him, and for once make himself
-useful by thrusting his bristling muzzle up the orifice after the little
-explorer, thereby cutting off retreat in the event of another disastrous
-deluge? The terrible result of such an action on the part of the dog is
-too painful and improbable to contemplate.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                          THE GLORIOUS FOURTH.
-
-
-  You need not wake to call me, to call me, mother dear,
-  For to-morrow’ll be the noisest day of all the passing year;
-  Of all the passing year, mother, the most uproarious day,
-  And I, you bet, will stirring be before the morning gray.
-
-  A flag-staff will be hoisted, mother, two hundred feet in air,
-  And cannon will be ranged around the whole of Union Square,
-  And on the instant Phœbus shoots his arrows o’er the hill,
-  There’ll be a roar will shake the shore as far as Watsonville.
-
-  You know the tailor’s nephew, mother, they call him Squinty Ware;
-  Last year he powdered Perry’s jaw, and blinded Dobson’s mare,
-  And while his poor old grandmamma was peeping through the blind,
-  She got a “whiz” in her old phiz, that she’ll forever mind.
-
-  And Henrietta Loring, mother, tied crackers to the tail
-  Of Deacon Reed’s big, lazy hound, while eating from a pail;
-  And goodness! gracious! how he jumped, and dusted for the shed;
-  And in a moment every straw was blazing in his bed.
-
-  And you’d have died of laughter, mother, I’m certain, if you saw
-  Old Deacon Reed run out to tramp upon the burning straw;
-  And when he ran to get the hose—for tramping would not do—
-  His wig blew off, and down the street for half a block it flew.
-
-[Illustration: CELEBRATING THE FOURTH.]
-
-  I _know_ it was not proper, mother, and I ashamed should be
-  To stand and gag, just like a wag, another’s loss to see;
-  But ’twas a sight that got me quite, and I’ll be old indeed
-  When I forget the comic look of that old Deacon Reed.
-
-  I’ve got a rousing pistol, mother, the loudest in the block;
-  And I have filed the little catch that holds the thing at cock,
-  And hardly do I get the charge of powder in the bore,
-  When off it goes just with a shake, and thunder! what a roar!
-
-  So sleep on if you can, dear mother, and have no thought of me,
-  For I’ll be up and charging round before there’s light to see;
-  And when you hear a bang that makes the ring dance in your ear,
-  Then you can bet your scissors, mother, that I am somewhere near.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                          JIM DUDLEY’S SERMON.
-
-
-Hereafter I shall have no faith in reports. Last week I heard that Jim
-Dudley had left the city, and was congratulating myself on at last
-escaping him. But my congratulations were premature. Last night he
-called upon me, and kept me in torture for fully two hours; at a time,
-too, when I should have been asleep. But what cared he for that? The
-scoundrel! there was no shaking him off. He sticks to a person like
-mortar to a brick. I had to sit and listen, though I do honestly believe
-every word the fellow uttered was an unqualified lie; but he swears to
-its truth, and how can I prove it otherwise. It is better to take it as
-it comes and ask no questions for conscience’ sake.
-
-“I never told you about the sermon I preached over in Misertown one
-Sunday. I had a time of it thar and no mistake. Hold on a minute and
-I’ll tell you how it was.
-
-“You see, Gil Bizby—that plaguey shirk, I never mention his name but
-what I feel like trouncin’ of him—but he was a genius though and no
-foolin’ about it, a natural born inventor, chock full of notions as a
-toy shop.
-
-[Illustration: SOMETHING NEW.]
-
-“But somehow or another he never could bring anythin’ to a payin’ focus.
-Allers whittlin’ and borin’ and plannin’ around though. Wherever you’d
-meet him he’d be haulin’ out of his pocket some old drawin’, with more
-wheels and contrivances pictured out on it than you could think of in a
-twelve hours’ dream. He never could git the cap sheaf onto his endeavor
-though. Allers somethin’ amiss; a wheel too many, or another one
-wantin’, or too many cogs to have the thing work just right.
-
-“He invented a contrivance for pluckin’ chickens.
-
-“That was a rustler. He shoved the fowls through a machine somethin’
-like a corn sheller, an gin ’em an electric shock while passin’ along,
-and shot ’em out of a spout at t’other end of the machine as bare as
-weavers’ shuttles. He didn’t make anythin’ out of it though. He had to
-chuck ’em through while alive, you see, and that clashed with the law.
-When he took the machine down to the city to introduce it to the pultry
-dealers, the society fellers who look out for the interests of dumb
-critters got arter him and sewed him up. They put a reef in his jib
-pooty quick now, I tell you.
-
-“They were passin’ along through the market one day, and they saw Gil
-just a humpin’ himself showin’ off the apparatus to the market men. He
-was crankin’ and pumpin’ away, like a sailor when there’s fifteen feet
-of water in the hold and still rizin, and the chickens were a screamin’
-and a scootin’ through the contrivance, close as if they were run on a
-string head ag’inst tail, and just a cloud of feathers hoverin’ around
-over it. Didn’t they fasten on to that Gil Bizby though? They snatched
-him up quicker than if he had been hoss-stealin’, and confiscated his
-plucker, and tucked an alfired heavy fine onto him besides.
-
-“Meetin’ with such poor encouragement in that direction he went back to
-Sculleyville, and set out to invent a thunderin’ great machine for
-layin’ cobble-stones. That was just him all over; allers startin’ in to
-git up some outlandish lookin’ thing. This machine was a crusher and no
-gettin’ ‘round it. It was fearful enough to make a cow slip her cud,
-I’ll be shot if it wasn’t. It looked somethin’ like Noah’s ark set on
-wheels and filled with all kinds of machinery.
-
-“He started in to experiment one moonlight night in front of the court
-house, but got the main belt crossed or somethin’, I disremember just
-what, and Jerusalem! in less than ten minutes he ran the whole
-population out to the foot-hills in thar night clothes. There wasn’t no
-stoppin’ the consarned thing. Poor Gil was knocked senseless at the
-first revolution, and nobody else knowed how to control it. It rolled
-the whole length of the square, tearin’ up the stones it had pounded
-down the day before and sendin’ of ’em buzzin’ over the village in all
-directions.
-
-“No home was sacred, and no head was safe, as the poet has it. Poor old
-Mrs. Scooley lived just long enough to learn this, and no longer. She
-was goin’ once too often to git her pitcher filled at the corner grocery
-that night, and a stone took her in the small of the back as she was
-enterin’ the door, and it h’isted her clear over the counter on top of a
-barrel; it’s true as I’m tellin’ it to you. Poor old body; she was the
-pioneer female of the village too. The first woman to wash a shirt in
-Sculleyville. But arter all, the town wasn’t much loser by her passin’
-away.
-
-“She was a sort of panicky old critter anyhow, always scary about
-catchin’ the smallpox or any other prevailin’ disease that come around.
-The old village physician said he would ruther see the very old scratch
-makin’ towards him on the street than old Mrs. Scooley.
-
-[Illustration: THE DOCTOR’S SCOURGE.]
-
-“Comin’ from church or market, as the case might be, she would fasten on
-to him like a wood-tick to a leaf, and he couldn’t git rid of her nohow.
-She would have him time her pulse right thar on the sidewalk; and be a
-shovin’ of her tongue out for his inspection. And she did have such an
-unlimited, wallopin’ great tongue too; it seemed when she was shovin’
-all of it out, as though she was actewelly disgorgin’ her liver. It’s
-so, by Jingo! People would be a stoppin’ and standin’ thar, wonderin’
-what was the matter with the old gal—that is, people that didn’t know
-her peculiarities; though most everybody in the village had seen her
-standin’ in that position so often, that they would be more surprised to
-see her with her tongue in her mouth than projectin’ out in the rain.
-
-“The old Doctor used to be terribly annoyed. He would say, kind of
-hurriedly like, because he would be itchin’ to git away from her:
-
-“‘Oh! you’re all right I reckon, Mrs. Scooley; but you had better be a
-gittin’ along home, and not stand too long in the cold air, with so much
-of your vital organs exposed to the weather; the result may be fearful
-if not fatal!’
-
-“That would ginnerally start her off pooty lively towards her shanty.
-They say the first time the Doctor saw her tongue he was surprised so
-much that he looked actewelly skeered. Says he: ‘I’ve been nigh unto
-eight and thirty years a practicin’ physician, and until this moment I
-flattered myself that I was familiar with all the ins and outs of the
-profession. But I begin to think I gin over the dissectin’ knife too
-soon, for here’s somethin’ that I was not prepared for.’
-
-“But that’s not tellin’ you about the sermon, is it? but when I
-mentioned that Gil Bizby, I sort of wandered off arter him and his
-contrivances. Wal, as I was about to tell you, Gil and I were saunterin’
-around Misertown one Sunday, and we saw any number of gals goin’ into
-the school-house where the preachin’ was carried on. So we concluded to
-step in and git a better look at some of ’em. I didn’t know many of the
-people round thar, but from what I heard I judged they were the meanest,
-close-fistedest set of sinners that ever had the gospel dispensed with
-amongst ’em.
-
-“I understood they had treated their minister plaguey mean when he fust
-come thar to look arter them. Thar was no regular place for him to stop,
-you see, and they agreed amongst themselves to take turns a keepin’ him
-until they could get a house up for him. He was one of those young,
-easy, green kind of fellers that had seemin’ly never been so far away
-from home before but what he could see the smoke of his father’s
-chimney, or smell his mother’s corn-dodgers burnin’. And they soon took
-advantage of it, and sort of played button with him, shovin’ him around
-from one to another as though he was too hot to hold.
-
-“He fust went to a feller by the name of Wigglewort. Ses Wig, ‘I’m
-really very sorry, Mr. Sermonslice, but we unfortunately have no
-accommodations for you at present. We have no place for you to sleep
-’thout we put you in the barn, and the nights are ruther cold for that,
-besides the rats might annoy you. Sorry you happened to come just at
-this time, of all others the most embarrassin’. It’s not but what I
-would like to have you stop with us; I would indeed, Mr. Sermonslice,
-consider it an honor to have you.’
-
-“The minister, takin’ his books under his arm, started out into the
-night as though his life depended upon the most prompt kind of action.
-He wasn’t within hailin’ inside of two minutes. He went over and
-succeeded in gettin’ lodgin’s with a feller named Joe Grimsby, who lived
-over by Frog Marsh.
-
-[Illustration: JOE GRIMSBY.]
-
-“Joe was too derned lazy to do his own prayin’, and while the parson
-stopped with him he got rid of it. They do say he was the laziest old
-curmudgeon that ever turned up his eyes. He used to say a praar at the
-beginnin’ of the month, and on the followin’ nights he would always
-allude to it in a sort of matter-offact way. ‘You know my feelin’s
-towards ye. Nothin’ hid from ye I reckon. I haven’t changed my
-sentiments yet. If I do I’ll let ye know of it. I’ll keep nothin’ back
-from you, though it should take the har off.’ He would go on in that
-business-like way, and the hul time be a crawlin’ into bed.
-
-“Wal, as I was goin’ to tell you, Gil and I poked into the buildin’, and
-sat down thar amongst the congregation.
-
-“The minister hadn’t come yet, and pooty soon an old feller got up, and
-ses he, ‘It may be the minister has had a late breakfast and will not
-git here for some time yet. In the meantime, as it’s a dry season and
-our crops need a shower of rain, we mout as well have a little prayin’
-goin’ on. We can’t do much harm anyhow, and we may be the means of
-bringin’ down a good smart shower that will be money in our pockets in
-the long run.’
-
-“He asked several to take hold and do somethin’ in that way, but one had
-a cold, and another one was just gettin’ over the mumps. And so on they
-went makin’ excuses. Finally the old feller turned to me, and ses he:
-‘Perhaps _you_ would lead us, you look like one who has had some
-experience that way.’
-
-“I thanked him for the compliment, but told him I was somethin’ like the
-officers in the army—I would ruther foller than lead. But he stuck to me
-like a Jew to a customer. Arter a while I consented, and jest as I was
-about startin’ in, a feller come in and said the minister had got a
-terrible ticklin’ in his throat caused by partly swallowin’ a har in the
-butter over to old Joe Grimsby’s, and couldn’t attend to his duties that
-day. So the old chap got up ag’in, and ses:—
-
-“‘We won’t have any preachin’ then, without some person present will
-volunteer to act in our pastor’s place this mornin’.’ But no one spoke
-up. ‘Perhaps,’ he ses, turnin’ to me, ‘you would favor us by conductin’
-the service, young man. You doubtless are competent to perform that
-duty.’
-
-“This sort of got me. Then the thought struck me perhaps I’d make
-somethin’ out of ’em by it. Besides didn’t want to plead ignorance right
-thar amongst ’em, so gettin’ up, I ses: ‘This is somewhat unexpected.
-Honors foller one another pooty fast.’ With that I got into the pulpit
-and began to look down at ’em pooty seriously. Thar was no Bible on the
-desk, so I asked if thar was any person that would loan me one for the
-occasion.
-
-“Some of ’em spoke up and said they had books, but were in the habit of
-keepin’ em to foller along arter the minister, and correct him when he
-made a mistake. Besides they liked to see how he worked out the text. I
-looked at ’em some time pooty hard. I thought they beat anythin’ I had
-come across for some time, and I had a good mind to git down ag’in, only
-I allowed they’d laugh at me. So I ses, ‘all right. You can keep your
-books. I reckon I know enough by heart to git along with.’ I then gin
-out somethin’ for them to sing.
-
-“‘Short or long meter?’ inquired the leader of the singers, who were
-settin’ over in the corner. I didn’t exactly understand him. As I knowed
-he was in the habit of meetin’ Sal Clippercut over to Mrs. Curry’s every
-Sunday afternoon, I allowed he was askin’ for somethin’ shorter, as he
-was longin’ to meet her. I spoke up pooty sharp, and ses, ‘You will
-please sing what I gin you to sing. I reckon you aren’t longin’ to meet
-her so bad but what you can wait until arter the service is over. She’ll
-keep that long, I reckon, without spilin’. I know her. She isn’t none of
-your Spring chickens nuther,’ I contin’ed, just like that, and you ought
-to have seen the way he looked; and the gals commenced to snicker and
-crowd thar handkerchiefs into thar mouths.
-
-“One little red-faced critter that sat alongside of him tittered right
-out. Her mother who was sittin’ near by jumped up and ses: ‘Becky Jane,
-you go right straight hum this minute, and go to peelin’ the ‘taters for
-dinner.’ But a feller who looked as though his mother had been a
-mullator, or even somethin’ of a darker shade, got up and ses:
-
-“‘The gal isn’t to blame in the least. It’s that feller in the pulpit
-thar. I for one don’t want to hear any more of his lingo.’
-
-“‘Wal, then, you can stuff wool in your ears,’ I ses, ‘and you won’t
-have far to go to get it nuther,’ I contin’ed, just that way, alludin’
-to his own har, which seemed pooty woolly.
-
-“You ought to see how they looked, fust at him, then at me. He colored
-up, I reckon, but he was too black to show it. I heard him grit his
-teeth from whar I was standin’. He didn’t say any more, but an old woman
-who was settin’ near jumped up, and ses she:
-
-“‘The meetin’-house is turned into a thayeter! When a muntybank gets
-into the pulpit it is high time for respectable people to be movin’.
-I’ll leave!’ she exclaimed, pullin’ her shawl around her shoulders and
-beginnin’ to bustle out of her seat.
-
-“‘Wal, ye kin go!’ I hollered, jest that way, for I was beginnin’ to git
-sort of riled at the way things war a goin’. When I’m talkin’ politics
-or arguin’ over the merits of whisky, I can bear crossin’ and any amount
-of contradiction. But right thar, where a feller had to be choice of his
-language, it was different business. ‘Ye kin go,’ I ses. ‘We kin git
-along without you, I reckon. We’re willin’ to chance it, anyhow. Take
-your knittin’ along; don’t leave that behind,’ I contin’ed, pointin’ to
-the seat as though I saw it lyin’ thar. I didn’t though, but I wanted to
-give her a mi’ty hard rub, for I suspected her piety was put on, and
-that she was displeased because nobody was noticin’ her new bonnet.
-
-“The hul congregation took it for granted that the knittin’ _was_ thar,
-and you ought to have seen ’em stretchin’ and cranin’ out thar necks as
-far as they could to get a look into the pew.
-
-[Illustration: TRUTH IS POWERFUL.]
-
-One old feller that was settin’ back pooty far, craned out kind of
-quarterin’ ruther suddenly and his neck gin a crack like a bon bon. He
-commenced oh! ohin’ and tryin’ to git it back to its old position ag’in,
-but he couldn’t make any headway until his wife went to rubbin’ and
-chafin’ of it, right thar.
-
-“But that old woman, whew! She was as mad as a wet hen. She couldn’t
-hardly find the door, she was so mixed up. When she finally got thar she
-turned round and straightenin’ of herself up she ses, ‘Young
-man!’—Before she got any further I broke in on her, for I judged she had
-a tongue that was hung in the middle. So I ses, ‘That’ll do, that’ll do,
-Mrs. You kin move along. You’re disturbin’ the peace of the
-congregation, and besides all that you’re showin’ your false teeth mi’ty
-bad in the bargain.’
-
-“She got out arter that pooty lively, now I can tell you. I could see
-her as she went up the road towards her home, and two or three times she
-stopped and turnin’ around acted as though she had half a mind to come
-back and try the hul thing over ag’in. But arter standin’ thar a while
-thinkin’ like a pig when it’s listenin’ to the grass takin’ root, she
-would shake her head and move along up the turnpike as though she
-concluded she had enough of that kind of pie.
-
-“This piece of performance sort of throwed me off the track. While I was
-standin’ thar thinkin’ where to start in with the discourse, Gil Bizby
-come a crawfishin’ up the steps to one side of me and whisperin’ ses, ‘I
-say, Jim, you haven’t got to chock blocks already, have ye?’
-
-“‘No,’ I answered, ‘I ain’t got to chock blocks, but I’ve got the ropes
-twisted around and things look ginnerally mixed jist now, I can tell
-ye.’
-
-“‘Wall, start in on the sermon at once then,’ he urged, ‘for they are
-gettin’ mi’ty impatient now I can tell you. You’ve got to be doin’
-_somethin’_ pooty quick. But whatever you do,’ he contin’ed, ‘don’t git
-up very high without havin’ some idea how you are goin’ to git down
-ag’in. Keep steerin’ around waters that you’ve piloted over before.
-Remember a blind mouse shouldn’t venture very far from its hole,
-especially if thar’s a whole generation of cats watchin’ of it.’
-
-“With that he backed down to his seat ag’in, and took out his pencil and
-began to design a machine for pickin’ the bones out of fish, on the
-fly-leaf of a book that was lyin’ thar. So I started in on the sermon.
-It wasn’t much of a sermon, to be sure. It was more like a lectur’. I
-couldn’t think of any passages of scriptur’ just then, so I gin ’em the
-line from the philosopher, ‘Why does the frightened dog depress his tail
-when he runneth?’
-
-[Illustration: MR. SPUDD.]
-
-“You ought to have seen ’em rustlin’ and turnin’ the leaves, huntin’ to
-find the passage. One old feller by the name of Spudd commenced to paw
-over the pages, and his wife ses, ‘Don’t go that way; turn back to the
-Book of Job.’ He looked round at her with his under lip stickin’ out
-jest that way, arter wettin’ of his thumb to start turnin’ over ag’in,
-and ses, ‘Job be biled and buttered! I kin pick old Solomon from amongst
-a thousand of ’em. He was sound on the goose, he was.’
-
-[Illustration: THE OLD INTERROGATOR.]
-
-“Two or three of ’em started in to ask me where the text was located,
-but I kept on talkin’ right straight along, lookin’ around to all of ’em
-at once and no one in particular. I didn’t gin ’em a chance to stop me
-ag’in, or git a word in edgeways. One singular-lookin’ old coon with a
-weed on his hat got up and stood signalin’ of me, and waitin’ and
-watchin’ for a chance to ask me somethin’. But I never let on to see
-him. I reckon he stood thar five minutes with his finger up pointin’ to
-attract my attention, and his mouth open so wide, that from my elevated
-position I could tell what he had swallowed for breakfast.
-
-“I gin ’em a sort of ramblin’ discourse, alludin’ to the prevailin’
-passions, and errors of the age. Amongst other things I touched on
-jealousy a little,—I wanted to stir ’em up a trifle on that subject,
-because there was a great deal of jealousy in that neighborhood. The
-green-eyed monster was a-rantin’ and a-ravin’ round in a good many
-households, and as it ginnerally turns out, there was least cause for it
-where it was most prevailin’. One old feller was moved by the first
-remark. When I said—quotin’ from the poet—‘Jealousy in the wife is wuss
-than trichina in the pork,’ he leaned over to the man settin’ in the
-next pew and ses, ‘I can’t tell you for the life of me whar he gits the
-passage, but it’s the solid truth, anyhow.’
-
-“So I went on and finished the sermon, or lectur’ ruther, and then I
-ses, ‘The choir will please sing the hymn beginnin’ “Give, give, give to
-the needy,” arter which I will pass around amongst the congregation and
-take up a collection for the benefit of the heathen in furrin parts.’
-
-“Je-whitteker! You ought to have seen ’em turn around and look at each
-other when I said that. I can’t describe it to you. I can’t do the scene
-justiss. If I had told ’em I was goin’ to stay with them through the
-season, I could hardly have started ’em to thinkin’ any more than I did
-by tellin’ ’em about that collection for the heathen in furrin parts.
-
-“Arter two or three attempts the singin’ began. I closed my eyes, and
-leanin’ back in my chair minister-like, commenced to estimate the
-probable yield of each pew. While I was thinkin’ thar, and cal’latin’
-how much I would make by the preachin’ business, I noticed the singin’
-dyin’ out, and a dyin’ out slowly like, as the prisoner said his hopes
-were when the sheriff was a-fumblin’ around his neck adjustin’ the rope.
-So I opened my eyes easy like, as though comin’ back to earthly scenes
-reluctantly, and you can water my whiskey if I wasn’t just in time to
-see ole Ned Scullet’s coat-tails whiskin’ around the door jamb, the
-hindmost rag of the congregation. Women and children and all were gone
-sure enough. On lookin’ out of the winder I see ’em a-scatterin’ and
-a-hustlin’ and elbowin’ themselves ahead of each other along the
-turnpike, as though thar was great danger in bein’ left behind.
-
-“Would you believe it, thar was that plaguey shirk Gil Bizby a-cranin’
-up the hill a-leadin’ the crowd. I sat thar a while lookin’ after ’em
-and then, comin’ down I began to look around a little, and pooty soon I
-noticed that several of ’em left thar hats, they were in such a hurry to
-git out. So I selected a good one, only ’twas a little out of fashion,
-and puttin’ it on I ses to myself, ‘If you think I’m interested enough
-in your welfare here or hereafter to preach to you for nothin’, you’re
-mistaken, I reckon.’ With that I walked out, but not until I had kicked
-the remainin’ hats around the room pooty lively.
-
-“The next day I noticed an old feller with a dilapidated beaver on, that
-looked as if it had done duty on a scarecrow for several seasons,
-sidlin’ up to me, and circlin’ around two or three times lookin’ mi’ty
-close at my tile. I’ll allers think it was his stove-pipe, but he was
-too much ashamed to come right out and lay claim to it.
-
-“But that Gil Bizby! I didn’t wonder so much at the congregation
-dustin’, arter all, cause they didn’t know me, but _he_!—well, no
-matter, I’ll git even on him yet.”
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                           THE POISONED PET.
-
-
-It was my good fortune the other day to attend a picnic in the country.
-A lady friend insisted on tacking her pet boy to me on that occasion. As
-she couldn’t go herself she wanted me to have an eye to “sonney,” and
-see that he didn’t come in contact with poison-oak. She assured me he
-was a good boy and would mind me as if I was his father! I didn’t pine
-for the pet’s company, but could not very well refuse her request. So he
-went with me.
-
-I very soon found out he was one of those smart children, who, by a
-strange freak of nature, are placed in possession of an impudence that
-prompts them to believe they know more at the age of eight than your
-average adult.
-
-My will and his wishes soon clashed.
-
-Then the thought entered my head that his mother misrepresented
-“sonney’s” obedient nature. “If this is the obedience that an offspring
-manifests to a father,” I mentally murmured, “it were better to be
-destitute of the offspring.” The boy sauced me. He even went so far as
-to call me names anything but flattering, while I was sitting in the
-presence of a young lady I most ardently adored. “Go on, sonney!” I said
-to myself savagely, “go on, precocious youth, there are no raging bears
-in this suburban park to tear the flesh from the bones of mouthy
-children who ‘sauce’ their betters, as did the animals in the days of
-prophets; but nature in other ways has made provision for such as you,
-and has sprinkled a few shrubs around here that can pile the flesh on to
-a person’s bones to an alarming degree, if they get a fair chance.”
-
-After that I paid no attention to him. He ran at will, browsed through
-the vines like a hungry deer, and burrowed into the very heart of the
-poison-oak and ivy, with as little fear as a quail retiring to roost. He
-enjoyed himself immensely; so he informed me in the evening. I am glad
-he did, for he is having a quiet time of it now. I saw him this morning,
-and his face was as full of expression as a Christmas pudding new rolled
-from the cloth. I think my lady friend will not be over-anxious to
-appoint me guardian over her dutiful son at another picnic. In the
-interests of art I have made a sketch of “sonney” as he appeared this
-morning, striving to recognize me by my voice, which he failed to do,
-however, being deaf as he was blind.
-
-[Illustration: HAVING A QUIET TIME.]
-
-
-
-
-                          SEEKING FOR A WIFE.
-
-
-And it came to pass about the year one thousand eight hundred and
-seventy-three, being in the autumn, when the new wine was oozing from
-the press, and the corn was hardening in the crib, a bachelor, a farmer
-of great possessions, dwelling in the valley of Berryessa, bent above
-his resting plow, and thus communed with himself:—
-
-“My stacks are builded, my wine is dripping from the press, the ripe
-ears are garnered in my cribs, my flocks and herds feed fat upon the
-hills; and yet, because of my loneliness, am I unhappy.
-
-“I will arise at eve and repair to my neighbor’s cottage. Peradventure
-the aged widow of the murdered gypsy can counsel me.”
-
-So when the evening hour was come, the farmer arose and sought the aged
-widow’s abode.
-
-And as he drew nigh to the cottage, he lifted up his eyes and, behold!
-the crone sat upon her door-step.
-
-[Illustration: THE CRONE.]
-
-And when the dame looked upon the farmer she knew his heart was
-troubled; but she knew not the cause.
-
-So, lifting up her voice she cried, inquiringly: “What aileth my
-neighbor? Has aught befel thy goods? Has bruin descended from the
-mountains to worry thy flocks? Or, are thy stacks consumed? that thus
-you droop your eyelids to the path, and move as by a hearse.”
-
-And the farmer, drawing nigh, replied: “My flocks unharmed graze sleek
-upon the hills; my stacks stand unconsumed; yet is my spirit heavy,
-because my walks are lonely and my heart is sad, and I come as one
-seeking counsel.”
-
-Then answered the dame reprovingly: “Out upon thee, for a fusty, dreamy
-bachelor! Go take to thyself a wife; then will thy walks be no more
-lonely, neither will thy heart be sad.”
-
-But he, answering her sorrowfully, said: “Mock me not, good madam, but
-look with pitying eyes upon me, and hearken to my voice.
-
-“Behold I am now well stricken in years, my body is stooping to the
-grave, my manners, like my hands, are rough; my blood, like my hair, is
-thin; and my teeth but shine in memories of the past.
-
-“How, then, can I win maidens’ hearts? Alas! on the contrary, they would
-giggling flee from before me; no hope for me remains; if I would wed, I
-needs must wed a squaw!” And his countenance fell.
-
-Then was the crone exceedingly displeased, because he said, “I needs
-must wed a squaw,” and she answered him derisively, saying:—
-
-“Go to! Ye speak as with the beak of a parrot, and with the
-understanding of a babe! Are ye studied in books and know not the
-proverb, ‘A golden snare will catch the wildest hare?’
-
-“Do not your stacks dot the vale below like an Egyptian camp? Are not
-your tanks brimming with wine and your cribs grinning with corn?
-
-“Do not your cattle graze upon an hundred hills? and your industrious
-laborers follow in the furrow? And are ye still afeared? Oh, ye of
-doubting mind!
-
-“Go, get thee to thy chest and take to thyself suitable coin, and hasten
-to that great city by the sea—whose churches point to heaven, but whose
-people bow to gold.
-
-“There sojourn for a season, and make no delay in adorning thyself with
-precious stones.
-
-“Put diamonds upon thy bosom and rings upon thy fingers, and be zealous
-to stand in the hall-ways and in the market-places, and in the houses of
-exchange.
-
-“Seek to be observed of the people, and take heed that ye look upon all
-men as being thy servants.
-
-“And let thy wealth be noised abroad.
-
-“Then shall rise up in the house of mourning the widow of a month, and
-dry her weeping eyes.
-
-“Then shall the maid of many summers lay aside her pets, to readjust her
-charms, and disinter her smiles.
-
-“Then shall the doting damsel, when her parent maketh fast the door,
-creep out some other way.
-
-“And they all shall come trooping as with the voice of birds to court
-thy smiles and thy manners, and thy years shall be as the silk of the
-spider in thy way.”
-
-Then was he exceedingly glad because of the crone’s advice, and he went
-away to his own home rejoicing.
-
-[Illustration: ATTENDING TO BUSINESS.]
-
-And on the morrow he arose before it was yet day, and saddled his mule,
-and journeyed to the great city by the sea, and lodged at the house of a
-friend.
-
-And he made haste to purchase diamonds, and rubies, and emeralds, and
-onyx-stones, and sapphires, and put massive rings upon his fingers, and
-seals upon his chain.
-
-And even as the crone had directed, he scrupled not to stand in the
-hall-ways, and in the market-places, and in the houses of exchange, and
-sought to be observed of the people, and lived as a man having great
-possessions.
-
-And not many days after, a fair lady of that place looking from her
-window, saw that the stranger shone like the mid-day sun, even so much
-that her heart was warmed.
-
-So she called the keeper of the house aside and questioned him
-concerning the stranger, saying:—
-
-“Who is this stranger that lodgeth in thy house, who beameth with jewels
-like the noonday sun? Make him known to me, for he is a choice and
-goodly man, and my heart warmeth for the stranger.”
-
-[Illustration: PARTNER WANTED.]
-
-Then answered the good man of the house, “He is a sojourner from the
-valley of Berryessa, and lo, he is a man of great possessions; and
-moreover, take heed if he cometh in your way, that ye smile graciously
-upon him, for be it known unto you he is a bachelor, who cometh amongst
-us seeking a wife.”
-
-Then was the damsel exceedingly moved.
-
-And when it came to pass that the stranger was introduced to her, she
-smiled graciously upon him, and she opened her mouth and spake knowingly
-of barley, and of rye, and of corn in the ear, and of tares.
-
-And she also spake of four-footed beasts, of calves, of pigs, and of
-goats, and cattle after their kind; and of fowls; of doves, and of
-ducks, and of geese, and poultry after their kind.
-
-And she spoke also of cabbages, and of squashes, and of turnips, and of
-new laid eggs, and of honey, and of buckwheat cakes, and of cheese, and
-of sausages!
-
-And lo! the farmer’s heart was touched, for she was comely to look upon,
-and wise withal.
-
-And he communed within himself, saying: “Surely this maid would indeed
-be a great catch, she would make her husband’s home cheerful, and in
-divers ways pluck from the palm of life the festering thorns. Beshrew
-me, but I will lay strong siege to the damsel’s heart.”
-
-So he made haste to pull wide open the mouth of his purse and loaded her
-with presents, for the damsel had found favor in his eyes, and he sought
-to win her.
-
-And not many days after he espoused the maiden, and there was great
-feasting and merry making at that house, and the same was heard of the
-neighbors.
-
-And on the following day, the farmer took her to his own home, in the
-valley of Berryessa, and they lived happily together for the space of
-many years.
-
-
-
-
-                      DAVID GOYLE, THE MILLER MAN.
-
-  “’Tis a strange cap: ’Twill give and take, and fit many heads.”—_Old
-  Volume._
-
-
-  Oh, will you hear with patient ear,
-    The story I’ll relate
-  About man’s infidelity,
-    And learn his losses great?
-
-  There lived a little miller once,
-    Who owned a tiny mill;
-  While there was water in his pond
-    The stones were never still.
-  For not a man the country round,
-    From Inyo to the Bay,
-  Was closer to his business found,
-    Than David Goyle, they say.
-
-  Let people pass at eve, or noon,
-    Or at the break of day,
-  They’d see the dusty miller there
-    And hear the hoppers play;
-  But when the narrow stream run dry,
-    The miller was at fault;
-  The rack-a-tacket mill reposed
-    As silent as a vault.
-
-  The little vicious artisan
-    Had spun his silken snare
-  Across the dusty flour-chute,
-    And silent gearing there;
-  While in the elevator’s cup
-    Was heard the mouse’s squeak,
-  And village children in the flume
-    Dry-shod, played hide-and-seek.
-
-  Said David to his wife one day,
-    “I think, while water’s low,
-  I’ll take a business trip to town,
-    Just for a week or so;
-  I have not ground a peck of grain,
-    ’Tis now eight days or more;
-  But sat and picked, and picked the stones,
-    And dressed their surface o’er.”
-
-  Then turned his little loving wife—
-    With much concern, said she,
-  “I hope while you are stopping there,
-    That you will careful be;
-  And shun those dark and narrow streets
-    Where rogues do congregate,
-  And look from out their low retreats
-    As spiders watch and wait.
-
-  “Have not the city papers teemed
-    With incidents, wherein
-  Some people proved not what they seemed,
-    And took the stranger in?
-  Then trust not smiles, or cunning wiles;
-    Be careful where you tread;
-  The very ground beneath your feet
-    With pitfalls may be spread;
-  There’s not a trick, a trap, or plot,
-    Or scheme of any sort—
-  From playing fine to drugging wine—
-    To which they’ll not resort.”
-
-  Then leaned this little miller man
-    Away back in his chair,
-  And laughed until his anxious wife
-    Thought he would strangle there.
-  Said he, “You much amuse me, wife;
-    Have you forgot, my dear,
-  That I have traveled in my life,
-    And came from Jersey here?
-
-  “Or can you for a moment think
-    Your husband’s mind is crude?
-  Or deem that I the cup would drink,
-    By Temperance men tabooed?
-  Those who can get the start of me,
-    In country or in town,
-  By Jove, must early risers be,
-    And you can put that down.”
-
-  For he was vain, this miller man,
-    Who thought his mind so vast;
-  But look with me, and we will see
-    How he comes out at last.
-
-  In course of time he reached the town,
-    To stop a week or more;
-  And in a large hotel was lodged,
-    Upon the second floor;
-  If you should doubt my word in this,
-    Step over to the “Grand;”
-  You’ll find his name recorded there,
-    And in a scrawling hand.
-
-  It chanced—but hold! ere more I say,
-    Or sentence more you read,
-  Are you prepared with me to stray
-    Wherever he may lead?
-  You are! all right, then “on’s” the word,
-    Again my pen I hold,
-  And blame me not, if I should jot
-    Down facts he’d wish untold.
-
-  It chanced while Dave was strolling down
-    A certain crowded street,—
-  (Its name at present slips my mind,
-    Or you’d have all complete)—
-  He met a stranger in the way,
-    Who brought him to a stand;
-  He smiled upon him as in joy
-    And reached a friendly hand.
-
-[Illustration: THE NEW ACQUAINTANCE.]
-
-  He hailed the stranger, no, I think,
-    The stranger him addressed;
-  I would not do the fellow wrong,
-    He’s bad enough at best.
-  The stranger spoke him very free;
-    He came from Jersey, too;
-  For he was sharp as one can be;
-    He thought his folks he knew.
-
-  “There was a Goyle;—yes, yes, I’m sure;
-    How strange that we should meet!
-  I’ve passed his house a thousand times,
-    And met him on the street.”
-  The miller scarce could credit this;
-    But frank he seemed and fair,
-  So he resolved to step inside,
-    And talk the matter there.
-
-  There is a drug that bunco men
-    Do mingle with the wine
-  They give to country friends like Dave,
-    For what, I can’t divine.
-  Perhaps those thoughtful rascals deem
-    The noisiness of town
-  Might not allow refreshing sleep
-    To weigh their eyelids down.
-
-  But whether this the cause, or not,
-    Enough for you and me
-  To know, the wine that David got
-    Was not from mixtures free!
-  Oh! for a club to brain the knave
-    Who could not see the snare;
-  Oh! for a spade to dig his grave,
-    And dump him headlong there.
-
-  The night has passed away at last;
-    Now hand in hand we’ll scout,
-  Now here, now there, with greatest care,
-    To search that miller out.
-  Thus, side and side, we first will glide
-    O’er letter, word, and line;
-  Until we stand that house beside,
-    Where Dave was drinking wine.
-
-  Oh, sight! so painful to the eyes,
-    It dims them like a fog!
-  Within the house the miller lies,
-    As still as any log!
-  And not until the sun was high,
-    And bells in towers spoke,
-  From out that deep lethargic sleep
-    He wonderingly awoke.
-
-  He gazed upon the papered wall;
-    The ceiling overhead;
-  But strange was paper, pictures all,
-    The foot-board of the bed.
-  Swift as the lightning’s flash destroys
-    The spider’s flimsy toil,
-  Suspicion traveled through the head
-    Of the awakening Goyle.
-
-  As starts the lodger from repose,
-    When flames burst in the door,
-  So suddenly that miller rose,
-    And bounced upon the floor;
-  One stride sufficed to reach the chair;
-    On which his robes were cast;
-  But seemed it to that man an age,
-    Until he grasped them fast.
-
-  No nimbler does the maiden’s hand
-    Play o’er the keys of sound,
-  Than did that miller’s fingers glide
-    In searching pockets round.
-  In vain he felt from tail to top;
-    The thief had gone before,
-  And harvested a golden crop,
-    While he did dream and snore.
-
-  Gone was his purse, and all within;
-    A ring he valued more;
-  Gone watch and chain, the diamond pin
-    That on his scarf he wore.
-  His little wife with miser care,
-    (And warning words, no doubt,)
-  With her own hands affixed it there
-    The morning he set out.
-
-  Enraged, that miller waltzed around,
-    And like his hopper shook:
-  And swore by all the grists he ground,
-    And all the tolls he took,
-  That since the days when he was schooled
-    In games of pitch and toss,
-  He never was so deeply fooled,
-    Or so betrayed to loss!
-
-  Ten times at least, that pallid man
-    Strove to insinuate
-  His nervous limbs into his pants,
-    But failed to guide them straight.
-  First hop, hop, hop, to left he went,
-    Now, hop, hop, hop, to right!
-  Then hop, hop, backwards, till he rent
-    The pants asunder quite!
-
-[Illustration: A ONE-SIDED OPERATION.]
-
-  Now partly in and partly out,
-    He polka’d here and there,
-  Now _chasse_ up, now _chasse_ back,
-    Then balanced o’er the chair.
-  At last his toilet was complete,
-    The yawning rent was pinned,
-  And out into the narrow street
-    He bolted like the wind.
-
-  He traveled towards the City Hall,
-    And vowed at every bound
-  That justice would he seek and have,
-    If justice could be found.
-  The milkmen stopped their reckless drive,
-    Or dropped the cup and can,
-  And leaned to catch a glimpse of Dave
-    As down the street he ran.
-
-  Old women early out to mass
-    When Dave went racking by,
-  Would jump aside to let him pass,
-    Then to each other cry:
-  “The saints protect us! see him go
-    Upon his wild career;
-  A crazy creature well I know,
-    From some asylum near.”
-
-  Suffice it here to be explained
-    Before I close the tale,
-  The justice David Goyle obtained,
-    Was not of much avail.
-
-  Go net the sea to catch the whale
-  That did on Jonah dine;
-  Go rake the land to find the stone
-  That slew the Philistine;
-  But seek not her whose hoodwink’d eyes,
-    Proclaim her dealings just;
-  Well hangs her balance in the skies,
-    For here on earth they’d rust.
-
-  The rumbling stones are grinding now,
-    The water’s rushing down;
-  But do not bet that miller yet
-    Forgets his trip to town.
-  For every waking hour he knows
-    Throughout the twenty-four,
-  His scowling face and muttering shows
-    He counts his losses o’er.
-
-  There’s not a time he laves his hands,
-    But what that ring is missed!
-  (Its gold he gathered from the sands,
-    A gift the amethyst).
-  And oh, the query gives him pain,
-    “What is the time of day?”
-  For to the missing watch and chain
-    The miller’s mind will stray.
-  And now no more upon his breast
-    The brilliant diamond shines,
-  Its lustre falls in other halls
-    Where flow the noxious wines.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                        HEELS UP AND HEAD DOWN.
-
-
-A stout old gentleman was enjoying the luxury of a salt-water bath in
-the bay, a short distance from where I was fishing. As he was a poor
-swimmer—notwithstanding he had a good supply of blubber—he attached a
-couple of inflated air-bags to his shoulders, by means of a string under
-his arm-pits. During his splashing about, and his repeated endeavors to
-strike out like Cassius bearing Cæsar from the troubled waters of the
-Tiber, the floats changed their position from his shoulders to his hips.
-This change he was not prepared for, and the result was distressing in
-the extreme. He immediately commenced sinking—as sailors say—by the
-head. In vain would he make long and desperate reaches toward the
-bottom, striving to anchor his feet in the soft sand. Just as his toes
-would touch the bed below, the buoyancy of the supports and undercurrent
-combined would prevail against him.
-
-Up would come his pedal extremities to the surface, and consequently
-down he would go, head first, like a pearl diver, grasping at the
-pebbles beneath. After making a commotion in the water like the screw of
-a tug boat, which brought small crabs and crawfish to the top with
-dismembered limbs, he would manage to get his head above water long
-enough to get a mouthful of fresh air, but retire immediately below to
-digest it. Some Italian fishermen, running in from the offing with their
-day’s catch, sighted the old gentleman beating off the Point. They
-mistook him for a “devil fish,” or some other odd-looking inhabitant of
-the briny deep, disporting itself in the sheltered waters of the bay.
-Getting out their hooks and harpoons ready for action, and changing
-course, they bore down with all possible speed in the direction of the
-singular monster.
-
-The wind was blowing quite fresh, and it wasn’t long until the Italians
-came nigh enough to ascertain the real state of affairs, and rescue the
-unfortunate swimmer from his perilous situation. The fishermen rolled
-the old gentleman over a keg they had in the boat for half an hour,
-before his stomach could be emptied of its washy load and breathing
-rendered easy. When sufficiently relieved to admit of speech, the bather
-gave his rescuers to understand that in future the tide might ebb and
-flow, be warm as milk new drawn from the cow, and tranquil as a frozen
-pond, but a common bath-tub would be rivers, lakes—yea, oceans—to him
-during the remainder of his natural life.
-
-
-
-
-                            THE BITTER END.
-
-
-While in one of the interior counties to-day I stood beside the graves
-of six members of one household. The father and his five sons all fell
-in one sanguinary family feud.
-
-It seems an ill feeling had long existed between two families named
-respectively Frost and Coates. Though they frequently indulged in small
-skirmishes—from which black eyes, bloody noses, or slit ears were the
-principal trophies borne away—they had never met when their full forces
-were under arms. And for the happy hour that would bring about such a
-meeting, each party looked forward with interest, if not impatience.
-
-A day arrived at last, full of promise. It was an election day. Each
-party expected the other out in strength, with furbished arms, and
-prepared themselves accordingly. They took the street, resolved, that—
-
-                            “Ere the bat had flown
-          His cloistered flight: ere to black Hecate’s summons
-          The shard-borne beetle, with his drowsy hums,
-          Had rung night’s yawning peal, there would be done
-          A deed of dreadful note.”
-
-Two planets keep not their motion in one sphere, nor could two
-quarrelsome families move long in a small village, or freely patronize
-the same groggeries without a collision. Towards evening they met, some
-mounted and more on foot, and from low jests amongst themselves
-respecting each other’s lack of prowess upon former occasions, the
-controversy soon reached the point of positive contradictions. As the
-“lie direct” is equivalent to a well-developed kick to your average
-fighting man, hostilities soon commenced.
-
-[Illustration: LIVELY WORK.]
-
-The Coates family opened the engagement with a brisk fusilade, and at
-the first fire the gray-bearded patriarch of the Frost faction went down
-with all his imperfections on his head.
-
-The firing now became general. “From rank to rank, the volleyed thunder
-flew.”
-
-Neutral parties fled from the street, and for a time transacted business
-with “closed doors.” The report of the firearms frightened the horse of
-a disinterested gentleman, who was riding through the village, and
-despite his efforts to control the animal, it dashed directly between
-the belligerent parties. The fighting men, however, did not slacken fire
-on his account, but blazed away without seeming to notice or care
-whether the agitated stranger went down in the general _melee_ or not.
-Fortunately, the gentleman escaped injury, but it was certainly more by
-chance than good guidance. It is said so rapid was the fire that a
-steady blaze seemed issuing from the muzzle of their weapons. When the
-smoke of battle raised, five of the Coates family were lying dead.
-
-On the other side, Frost and one of his sons were killed, and a
-son-in-law mortally wounded. People say the funeral was a saddening
-spectacle. Amongst the mourners were mothers, daughters, sisters and
-wives.
-
-But the end was not yet.
-
-Before the grass had taken root upon the graves, the ground was again
-broken, and another victim of the malignant feud was hidden from the
-sight of friends and foes.
-
-The fires of hate still smouldered, and within a year another of the
-Coates family was put _hors du combat_, while going one night from the
-village to his ranch.
-
-He was seen leaving for home on horseback at nine o’clock, but about ten
-his horse ran masterless into the farm-yard. The man was found lying by
-the roadside dead, a bullet having passed through his head. Suspicion
-reverted to the Frost family, but no proof could be brought to establish
-their guilt. The public finger still points toward them, however, and
-doubtless will continue so to do for many a day, or until the mystery is
-cleared up.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                        A TRIP TO THE INTERIOR.
-
-
-A flying trip into the interior has not favorably impressed me. There
-were too many mosquitoes—too many graybacks. It is too far from
-civilization, and too nigh the sun. I stopped over night in a small
-city, and the first thing that attracted my attention on entering the
-place was the pale and sickly look of the inhabitants. This I attributed
-to the fever and ague, the hot weather, and impure river water which
-they drink. I was credibly informed by several parties that their pallor
-was owing to the quantity of blood that is nightly extracted from their
-veins by the mosquitoes. From the number of these pests infesting the
-place, it has taken the name of “The Mosquito City.”
-
-Those people who cannot indulge in such a luxury as mosquito bars, have
-to sleep during the day. They sit up nights and wage war against their
-ferocious enemies with tobacco smoke, burning leather, wet towels, or
-any other weapon to which they can conveniently resort.
-
-[Illustration: A MOSQUITO ON THE SCENT.]
-
-To be stung by a black hornet or a scorpion is bad; to be bitten by a
-tarantula or rattlesnake is worse; but to be punctured to the bone by
-the bugle of one of these mosquitoes is terrible. They are enormous
-insects. When flying through the air they are as discernible as
-thistle-down, or even humming birds. The sharp tube through which they
-sap their victim’s blood is fully three-quarters of an inch long, and
-resembles a cambric needle; this they steadily and unhesitatingly press
-into the flesh until they either strike a bone, or their forehead
-prevents them from doing deeper injury.
-
-Towards evening they rise with pining maws from the low, damp land
-around the city—
-
-               “Innumerable as the blades of green,
-               That carpet the vale of the San Joaquin;”
-
-and as they close in upon the devoted inhabitants, their blended cries
-swell in pitch and compass until the sound resembles the impassioned
-tone of a fish-peddler’s horn. I stopped at a hotel in the lower part of
-the city, and before retiring for the night looked carefully about the
-room. As few mosquitoes were in sight, I concluded to sleep without
-using the bar. Congratulating myself on being assigned a room where so
-few of the common enemy of man were lying in wait, I extinguished the
-light and turned in.
-
-Scarce was I stretched upon the couch when
-
-                 “At once there rose such hungry yells,
-                 From every point the compass tells,”
-
-that I lost no time in striking a light and adjusting the netting. I now
-saw them emerging from every conceivable hiding place. Trooping they
-came, from behind picture-frames, from under the bureau; out of vases
-and old empty bottles. They were climbing and clambering and pitching
-towards me with energy. I noticed a steady stream of them shooting out
-of the closet through the key-hole, with such velocity that they went
-warping half-way across the apartment before they could check themselves
-sufficiently to tack around and dive for the bed.
-
-They had all they bargained for, to get safely through that key-hole,
-too. There was not much spare room, I can tell you. But for the great
-pressure from behind kept up by others anxious to get through, many a
-large fellow would have been sticking in that opening yet. But once they
-got started in, there was no backing out; no, indeed! On! on’, was the
-cry, and they pressed forward with a rush, often sacrificing a leg or
-wing by the maneuver. But they didn’t seem to care for the loss of one
-of those members so long as their bill remained intact. Deprive a
-mosquito of one wing, and he will seem to laugh at you while he makes
-the other do double duty. Brush off one leg, and he will shake the
-remaining ones triumphantly in your face.
-
-[Illustration: TO THE HILT IN BLOOD.]
-
-But damage his bill and you demoralize him at once. He becomes
-immediately disheartened. He loses caste among his companions and
-confidence in himself. He wabbles about here and there to no purpose,
-like an old bachelor. You deprive him at once of his song and his
-supper. You can hardly picture to yourself a more dejected insect, one
-more hopelessly down in the mouth. He withdraws to the ceiling, or
-curtain, and looks with envious eyes upon his associates gorging
-themselves while his poor digestive organs are drying through
-inactivity.
-
-We would be inclined to pity him in his sad condition, were it not that
-we hold the whole insect race as coming under our ban. The whine of
-disappointment, long, loud and quavering, that went up when they
-ascertained I was protected, will always remain a fixture in my memory.
-
-As they closed around the bed, so numerous were they, their flight was
-actually impeded. Down they settled with locked wings on the bar above
-me, thick as snow-flakes around some old uprooted pine by the Madawaska.
-I had long heard of the mosquitoes of this locality, and was prepared
-for an introduction to formidable insects, but found them even worse
-than I expected.
-
-Discouraged by the mosquitoes, I fled to a neighboring city, only to
-find that it is the stronghold of fever and ague. In other parts it may
-be more active for a few months of the year, but here it stays by the
-people like their consciences. The winds may rise and comb the valley
-until the very grass is lifted by the roots and borne to the mountains.
-The sun may grow weary of well doing, enter Capricorn, and for a season
-be hid; or the rains may descend until the narrow slough—by which the
-city is situated—becomes a wide-spreading lake, through which ships of
-the line might plow with safety; but the chills and fever stays by them
-still. There is no “shaking” it off. It holds its grip like a mortgage.
-The tender limbs of the new-born babe, and the pithless bones of ripe
-old age, shiver alike in its awful grasp.
-
-The citizens of this sad place are a serious, matter-of-fact people, who
-seem to think it was not the original intention that men should spend
-any time in laughter, for they indulge very little in witticisms or
-humor. A good joke is often lost upon them, and the perpetrator of a bad
-one places himself in jeopardy. A person who attempts a pun that does
-not carry its point before it, like a sword-fish, is in danger of being
-immediately seized from behind and hurried in the direction of the
-Insane Asylum.
-
-While stopping in this delightful place I visited the small theatre of
-which the inhabitants are justly proud, and shall never forgive myself
-if I fail to mention the orchestra, that discoursed most eloquent music
-on that occasion.
-
-[Illustration: THE ORCHESTRA.]
-
-Whether the regular musicians of the theatre were on a strike for higher
-wages, and the manager was obliged to bring in outside talent, I did not
-learn; but certain it was, the sole instrument that kept the audience
-awake between the acts, the night in question, was a large piece—a
-bassoon, I think—filled and manipulated by a stout, spectacled
-representative from the Faderland.
-
-In addition to the musician’s frog-shaped body—which of itself would
-doubtless have attracted my attention—he had a head that was truly a
-study. To say he was bald, is to make a remark that would be applicable
-to about two-thirds of the gentlemen in the theatre, but to say that his
-head was as smooth, as shiny, and devoid of hair, from the eyebrows to
-the very nape of the neck, as a billiard ball, is hardly doing the head
-justice. It seemed actually peeled.
-
-Besides, it was of a conical form, and as I looked upon it I thought
-what an advantage it would have been to me in my younger days if I had
-had some such thing in the barn-yard, over which to break pumpkins for
-the cattle. I am certain a pumpkin or squash brought down upon such an
-object with well-centred precision, would fly into as many fragments as
-the Turkish Empire.
-
-I was not the only person whose attention was arrested by that marvelous
-development. If a diamond the size of a rutabaga had suddenly flashed,
-the audience would scarcely have turned with greater haste to
-contemplate its beauties than they did to regard that head the instant
-the hat was removed.
-
-It had such a smooth and polished surface that the actors, as they
-passed back and forth upon the stage, were mirrored out upon it in
-Liliputian proportions. The large globe light was reflected so perfectly
-upon that glossy scalp that it shed a positive light to remote corners
-of the auditorium; and a person would look first at the head, then up at
-the globe, and then down at the head again, and _then_ hardly be
-prepared to decide from which object the original rays of light
-proceeded.
-
-The musician had one original “turn” which afforded me much amusement.
-At the commencement of a tune he would sit facing the stage, which was
-proper enough; but as he proceeded he would turn by degrees until he was
-sitting full face to the audience.
-
-The gods in the gallery seemed to consider it their especial privilege
-to pelt his head with peanuts; and when one would happen to hit—which
-was quite often—it would bound and skip from the polished object in a
-manner that would invariably bring down the house.
-
-Standing as it did in bold relief from the dark panel-work and drapery
-behind, it was a most excellent and inviting mark. Man though I am, with
-the sobering cares of life closing gloomily around me, I actually
-regretted I couldn’t try a shot at the old codger’s head myself.
-
-It has been said “The king of Shadows loves a shining mark.” If this is
-so, how that musician managed to escape the arrows so long is more than
-I can understand. For many a year he certainly has presented a target
-worthy the whole archery of the realm of Death.
-
-The evening’s entertainment was made up of selections from Shakespeare’s
-tragedies, “Macbeth,” and “Othello.”
-
-[Illustration: MACBETH.]
-
-The principal actor, whose name I forget, was the oddest and hungriest
-looking player I ever saw stalk across a stage, or foam and fret in
-histrionic effort. He looked as though he had been dangling from the
-lowest spoke of Fortune’s wheel for the last twenty years. His make-up
-was terrible also, and after I learned the performance was not an
-intentional burlesque, I could hardly keep from hooting whenever he
-appeared. As the evening advanced, however, he warmed up considerably.
-When he appeared as the murderous Thane moving toward the apartments of
-his slumbering victim, huskily repeating the thrilling lines, “The bell
-invites me! I go, and it is done!” he looked every inch a villain, and
-the little theatre rung again with the clapping and clattering of the
-enthusiastic audience. In “Othello” his dress was even worse than in
-“Macbeth.” In the scene where he smothers Desdemona, he was barefooted,
-and looked supremely ridiculous. I would have given double the amount I
-paid for admission for the glorious privilege of kicking him across the
-stage.
-
-[Illustration: OTHELLO.]
-
-The customary pitcher-shaped lamp which the “Moor” usually bears in his
-hand upon this occasion, and to which he alludes when he says:—
-
-               “If I quench thee, thou flaming minister,
-               I can again thy former light restore,
-               Should I repent me,”
-
-was not procurable. The tragedian therefore carried a candle stuck in
-the neck of a large wine-bottle, and under his left arm he carried a
-pillow about the size of a single-bed mattress, with which to put out
-the light of the fair Desdemona, who was lying upon a lounge at the left
-of the stage. I was too great a lover of Shakespeare to sit longer by
-and witness the terrible butchery. I arose and left the house, and as I
-passed out, the pitying glances of the audience informed me that they
-didn’t understand the real state of affairs, but thought I was taken
-suddenly ill. I was ill at ease, and had been, during the entire
-evening.
-
-On the way down the next morning an over land passenger made my
-acquaintance on the cars, and while conversing about the long snow sheds
-and tunnels he had passed, I informed him of the long tunnel through
-which we would pass on leaving the valley.
-
-“Are we near that tunnel now?” he asked. “Yes,” I answered, “we will
-enter it in about fifteen minutes.” “Is the tunnel dark?” he inquired.
-“Yes, very dark,” I replied, “ten shades darker than a cloudy midnight.”
-“By jingo!” he cried, “that’s just the thing for me. I forgot to put on
-a clean shirt last night, and I hate like the deuce to arrive at my
-destination looking as I do now. Do you think a fellow would have time
-to put a shirt on while passing through it?” he continued, earnestly.
-
-“He might,” I answered, “if he had it ready before reaching the tunnel.”
-
-“Well, I’ll try a pull, anyway,” he said, as he took down the valise
-from a rack overhead to select the garment. “I’ll have it all ready for
-a hoist,” he continued, “and if I don’t climb into it faster than a
-spark into a chimney, I’m not what I think I am, that’s all;” and with a
-look of determination he went to a seat in the rear of the car, and for
-a time seemed busily engaged preparing for the great change.
-
-I had made an error in regard to the time that would elapse before we
-reached the tunnel, and the result was we reached it before he was fully
-prepared for it. Into it the locomotive plunged with a wild scream.
-Gloom closed around the passengers, hiding the nearest objects from
-their view. On we sped. The rattling of the trucks told us rail after
-rail was passed, but still a darkness that might be felt enveloped the
-rushing train.
-
-Those who were conversing as the car entered the tunnel, stopped as
-though the icy hand of death had been laid upon their throat. The
-half-uttered word rested upon the tongue, and the tunnel, like a long
-dash, stretched between the parts of a sentence.
-
-I thought of the passenger, doubtless by this time struggling into his
-linen, and turned around in my seat facing him. With considerable
-interest I waited the return of light. At last it came glimmering far
-ahead. Plainer and plainer the objects grew around, and first and most
-noticeable of all, was the tall form of the passenger from over the
-mountains, leaning over the seat in front of him, enveloped in his snowy
-linen, his hands stuck in the sleeves at the elbows, and his head vainly
-endeavoring to shoot through the opening at the neck, which in his haste
-he had neglected to unbutton.
-
-[Illustration: A STARTLING APPARITION.]
-
-Notwithstanding his head was enveloped, he was conscious that light had
-dawned upon the scene, and his struggles and frantic thrusts became
-painful to look upon.
-
-Finally the fastening at the neck gave way, and his face came through
-the opening, red as a pickled beet. Fortunately most of the passengers
-were sitting with backs toward him and but few witnessed the terrible
-struggle. One old lady, however, got nearly frightened out of her wits.
-When objects began to grow visible around her, she became suddenly
-apprised of the startling fact that a white figure was bent over her,
-with outstretched wings fanning the air, and she very naturally came to
-the conclusion that an angel was about to gather her to her fathers.
-
-The ashen look of the poor old body, as she stole a glance over her
-shoulder at the white object behind, showed that however fitted she
-was—in respect of years—for the final taking off, she was anything but
-willing to start upon such an uncertain journey.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                       HUNTING WITH A VENGEANCE.
-
-            “That man received his charge from me.”
-                                            —_Shakespeare._
-
-
-My friend butcher Gale has been quail hunting under difficulties. His
-case is a sad one, and as I feel in somewhat of a rhyming mood at
-present, I will invoke the gods, and with eyes in “fine frenzy rolling,”
-proceed to state his case in verse.
-
-  “Come leave your hogs,” said lawyer Boggs
-    To red-faced butcher Gale,
-  “We’ll take a day across the bay,
-    And slather lots of quail.”
-
-  Soon guns were got, and bags of shot,
-    With powder, wads, and caps,
-  And up the canyons dry and hot,
-    Tramped these two city chaps.
-
-  Old lawyer Boggs had borrowed dogs
-    Well worth their weight in gold;
-  The setter had a “double nose,”
-    And it of her was told,
-
-  That she could scent two different ways
-    As easy as you please;
-  While one nose smelled along the ground,
-    The other sniffed the trees.
-
-[Illustration: ADVANCE OF THE EXPEDITION.]
-
-  The pointer had peculiar traits;
-    His power of scent was small;
-  But if he saw three birds at once,
-    He pointed at them all.
-
-  For while his nose would indicate
-    Where one poor piper sat,
-  His tail, straight as a marline-spike,
-    Would point another at;
-
-  Then if a third one raised its head,
-    Preparing for the air,
-  That dog would balance on three legs,
-    And aim the other there.
-
-  With such a pair the quick to scare,
-    And then retrieve the dead,
-  The hunters’ sole remaining care
-    Was how to scatter lead.
-
-  They traversed gorge and gully low,
-    And many a slippery height,
-  And though their feet did heavier grow,
-    Their game bags still were light.
-
-  While roving o’er the mountain side,
-    It seemed that every quail
-  Within the county limits wide
-    Was piping in the vale;
-
-  But when they would forsake the hills,
-    And in the valleys dive,
-  It seemed as if the heights around
-    With bevies were alive.
-
-  Boggs had one fault, from childhood brought,
-    More marked with age it grew;
-  He never failed to shut both eyes
-    Whilst he the trigger drew.
-
-  This plan might do, if lead he threw
-    At barns or target rings;
-  But frightened quail, when turning tail,
-    Are visionary things.
-
-  And let him sight, quick as he might,
-    Space still would grow between,
-  And bang! would go the shower of woe
-    Just where the bird—had been.
-
-  ’Tis said those knowing canines knew
-    While men were taking aim,
-  Whether or not ’twould be their lot
-    To gather in some game.
-
-  So when they saw Boggs shut both eyes
-    Whene’er the piece he fired,
-  They dropped upon their hams and howled,
-    And from the hunt retired.
-
-  And he as soon could cause a stump
-    To walk upon its roots,
-  As from a sitting posture coax
-    The two disgusted brutes.
-
-  Wide was their aim, and wild the game,
-    And when such facts do yoke,
-  There’s many a shot goes off, I wot,
-    Brings nothing to the “poke.”
-
-  The grains were sown, the fields were mown,
-    The crops proved rather thin;
-  Oft was the raking summons thrown,
-    But slow the heads came in.
-
-  At last while Gale, just in advance,
-    Was clambering o’er some logs,
-  He got a charge of shot by chance,
-    From the excited Boggs.
-
-  Then was there rustling there a spell,
-    And as you may suppose,
-  From out the shaking chaparral
-    Linked oaths profusely rose.
-
-  Boggs dropped his gun and forward run,
-    With apprehension bleached,
-  And this poor lame excuse begun
-    When he the butcher reached:
-
-  “A splendid shot! I quite forgot
-    Precisely where you stood;
-  The birds flew fast, were nearly passed
-    Behind a screen of wood;
-
-  “I must let go, or lose a show
-    Of bagging three or four,
-  And in my mind you were behind,
-    Until I heard you roar.”
-
-[Illustration: BOGGS RETRIEVING HIS GAME.]
-
-  He cursed the logs and kicked the dogs,
-    And wished the quail on toast,
-  But that did not take out the shot,
-    Which then was needed most.
-
-  The doctors who have dressed his wounds
-    Have to his friends declared,
-  That though he is a sorry sight,
-    His sight is not impaired.
-
-  There is a moral this within,
-    And shaped the times to suit,
-  But lest it should appear too thin,
-    Here’s this advice to boot:—
-
-  Ne’er venture on a hunting cruise
-    With any green galoot,
-  Who shuts both eyes whene’er he tries
-    The flitting game to shoot.
-
-
-
-
-                            THE ART GALLERY.
-
-
-Hearing that a large collection of paintings were on exhibition at the
-Art Gallery, I visited the rooms this afternoon, and was agreeably
-surprised to discover that quite a number were by eminent artists.
-
-It is pleasant to gaze upon an old picture that has come down through
-the dust of ages, so I made it a point to employ the hour at my disposal
-in sketching several subjects most admired by the visitors. I did not
-learn the author of the large picture from which the first of my
-sketches was taken, but was assured that it came from the hand of an old
-master.
-
-[Illustration: FROM A PAINTING BY AN OLD MASTER.]
-
-I would have thought it a representation of “Cleopatra before Cæsar,” if
-the female had been running toward the man instead of away from him.
-
-A gentleman present who examined the painting closely, gave it as his
-opinion, that the couple represented “Tarquin and Lucrece.”
-
-He informed me he had visited many art galleries of the Old World, and
-found several paintings which had been copied from this masterpiece by
-artists, who paid homage to such creative genius.
-
-As he claimed to be something of a connoisseur, his supposition was
-probably a correct one, though he was not able to thoroughly account for
-the singular looking bonnet that shadowed the head of the prancing
-“Lucrece.”
-
-It is certainly anything but a Roman head-dress, and why it should be
-dangling from her royal top, is something for critics to comment on, and
-antiquarians to inquire into.
-
-Another little sketch attracted great attention, especially from the
-ladies, whose love for the beautiful is only excelled by their love for
-the good. It was entitled “Love’s Young Dream.” I regret I am not able
-to give the artist’s name. I could not get near enough to decipher the
-signature, owing to the crowd of ladies admiring the beautiful gem.
-
-The members of the Graphic Club were sketching. Accepting an invitation
-from one I stepped into their room to see them draw. Quite a number of
-artists were present. The famous marine painter was there, who loves to
-paint the vessel going before the wind, when in its might it takes “the
-ruffian billows by the top.” It was pleasant to watch his pencil pile up
-the “yeasty waves” at will.
-
-[Illustration: “LOVE’S YOUNG DREAM.”]
-
-It was also interesting to lean over the landscape painter’s shoulder
-and see the branches sprout from his grand old oaks, against whose
-trunks it would seem the storms of centuries had spent their force.
-
-It was no less pleasant or interesting to perceive the horns shoot from
-the animal painter’s cows. As the creature grows under his active
-pencil, we may be inclined to think she will be of the Mooley species,
-and never shake a gory horn above a prostrate victim; but alas! a few
-hasty but well directed strokes, and she stands forth more formidable
-than the armed rhinoceros or rampant unicorn. Then we hold our breath,
-as we see the pencil slide away to some other locality before a tail is
-attached to the body, and inwardly wonder whether the artist has
-forgotten to bestow upon her that graceful adjunct, or is intentionally
-giving us a new species of cattle. We heave a sigh of relief when the
-pencil returns, after a brief skirmish along the ribs, to bestow upon
-the cow that terminal appendage, at once a scourge for milk-maids and a
-swing for dogs.
-
-
-
-
-                            A ROLLING STONE.
-
-
-This afternoon, while climbing a steep hill that overlooks the bay, in
-company with a gentleman named Stone, I saw an illustration of the old
-maxim, “A rolling stone gathers no moss.” We had almost completed the
-ascent, when Stone’s feet slipped from under him, and striking upon his
-side he commenced a rapid descent.
-
-About four hundred feet of steep grade stretched before him without let
-or hindrance. I saw at a glance he was bound to pass over every inch of
-the space before he stopped. Onward he went, gathering speed as he
-proceeded, and catching wildly around him at every revolution; but, as
-there was nothing growing upon the barren slope but stunted grass or
-brittle moss, his efforts to “slow speed” were in vain. After he had
-made about ten revolutions his hat came off, and for a short time the
-race between him and his tile was truly interesting. It would have been
-an even bet, which would first reach the fence at the bottom of the
-hill. After making about half the distance, however, the hat swung in
-ahead of him.
-
-[Illustration: A THROUGH PASSENGER.]
-
-Whether it was the wind acted upon it I couldn’t tell, but Stone
-overhauled it, and passing over it, materially injured its form as a
-roller, by giving it an oblong shape, and soon left the crushed hat
-wabbling far behind. He turned neither to the right nor to the left, but
-rolled as straight down the hill as a saw-log down the bank of a river
-into a mill-pond. Goats nibbling in the vicinity paused in their repast
-and looked pitifully at the gentleman as he went tumbling by them, and
-evidently congratulated themselves on being goats, that feel at home on
-the steepest hillside that nature can present to their hoofs. When, in
-his mad career, my friend Stone would reach some intercepting shelf he
-would bounce about three feet into the air, and continue down the
-incline with increased velocity. Nor did he stop his brilliant course
-until he brought up whack against the fence.
-
-Fortunately he was unhurt, but was so dizzy that everything was turning
-around him for an hour afterwards. He declares that though he should
-live until he becomes so old as to forget the way to his mouth, he has
-taken his last look at the city and the surrounding bay from the summit
-of that hill. And when we think of his last descent from that high
-altitude, we can hardly wonder at the declaration.
-
-
-
-
-                       RIDING IN THE STREET CARS.
-
-               A chiel’s amang ye takin’ notes,
-                         And faith he’ll prent it.
-                                               —_Burns._
-
-
-The greater portion of this day I have spent riding in the street cars.
-I find it is quite a pleasant way of passing a few leisure hours.
-Neither is it an extravagant way of entertaining one’s self.
-
-On figuring up I find, by choosing the longest routes, it cost just
-seven and one-quarter cents per hour. This is certainly reasonable.
-
-[Illustration: THE SIGNAL STATION.]
-
-There is always something amusing to look at as you pass along. There
-stands the nervous old lady upon the street corner. She wishes to ride,
-and endeavors to signal the driver and prepare for embarking at one and
-the same time. She proves the truth of the old saying that a person may
-get too many irons in the fire. In her eagerness to attract the
-attention of the driver or conductor, she is not aware that in lifting
-her skirts she has elevated one or two thicknesses more than she
-intended, or than is at all necessary. Poor old lady! She does indeed
-present a picture that might well attract the artistic eye. We in more
-becoming order turn our eyes from the singular spectacle and study the
-advertisements ranged around for our special benefit. She emits a short,
-quick cry, half whoop and half squeal, and signals repeatedly, to do
-which the inevitable umbrella is brought into requisition, and
-flourished around her head as though she was warding off a detachment of
-aggressive wasps. She gives the conductor a look of surprise, if not
-anger, because he completes the curve before stopping to take her up.
-The old lady means business, and has never got it through her head that
-conductors have rights which she is bound to respect. She no doubt
-believes that on all occasions and at all times he ought to seize the
-strap and stop the car as suddenly as he would a clock by grasping the
-pendulum.
-
-Then there are the fashions which we can study without having to pay
-exorbitant prices for seats in the theatres. It is even better than to
-go to a fashionable church.
-
-Besides the advantages which a ride in the street car offers us in the
-way of studying the fashions, we often see strange sights, well
-calculated to awaken humor. There, for instance, we encounter the sleepy
-passenger, who, in charity let us hope, is drowsy through loss of rest,
-rather than loss of reason! Let us hope he is some physician who has
-been attending to his patients; or a minister of the gospel who has
-spent the night by the bedside of some sinking penitent; or a
-supervisor, who—while his constituents have been snugly dreaming away
-their troubles—has been legislating, and growing hoarse declaiming for
-the public good. Doctor or supervisor, as the case may be, it is evident
-he is sleepy, and cares not who knows it. Otherwise he would pick up his
-hat, which has fallen off, before it has twice been stepped on by
-passengers staggering through the car while it is in motion.
-
-With a persistency truly amusing he tips in the direction of some old
-lady, who apparently hates men, especially when excessive drowsiness
-makes them familiar. He, however, is oblivious of her likes or dislikes,
-even of her presence, it would seem.
-
-[Illustration: RATHER “SLOROPPY.”]
-
-He bobs towards her until his dishevelled forelock actually tickles her
-under the ear, which sensation causes her to start suddenly, and look
-around so quickly, that a person must think the movement gave her a
-crick in the neck, and her subsequent rubbing of the cords below the ear
-would seem to bear out the supposition as correct.
-
-[Illustration: SNIFFING THE BATTLE FROM AFAR.]
-
-Then, as we ride along we can see the bold policeman! standing by the
-corner of a building. He is earnestly looking down a narrow lane, taking
-notes perhaps; but more likely watching the progress of a fight, and
-wisely waiting until all the pistols are discharged before venturing to
-arrest any of the belligerent parties. He looks as though it would not
-take much longer reflection or many more shots, to make him forego that
-duty _in toto_, and turn around to arrest the poor Chinese vegetable
-peddler, who, with his basket pole upon his shoulder, is trotting along
-upon the sidewalk, and thereby violating one of the city ordinances.
-While hustling the prisoner to the station house he would escape
-performing more unpleasant and risky business.
-
-He is in the right of it, too, when a person comes right down to reason
-the case. The policeman may have a family depending on him for support.
-Or it may be upon the very stroke of the hour when his duty for the day
-will cease, and he can saunter to his home, leaving his successor to
-rush in and stay the slaughter.
-
-It may be argued that the policeman is paid to take prisoners, and
-consequently to take chances. This is true, but he is not paid to commit
-suicide. For a broad man like him to move down a narrow lane up which
-the bullets are whistling, can hardly be considered anything short of
-it. Oh! he is a cunning fellow I tell you, and revolves the matter
-carefully in his mind before taking action.
-
-He has been too long a resident of the city, and too long a member of
-the “star brigade,” not to know that the city can better afford to lose
-two or three indifferent citizens than it can one able and efficient
-policeman.
-
-We turn from the policeman to contemplate the blooming blonde, who comes
-bouncing in with her poodle dog in her arms.
-
-After she is seated she amuses some of the passengers and displeases
-more, by the affectionate names she lavishes upon the little watery-eyed
-pet in her lap. Some of the passengers would doubtless like to be the
-dog and others would like to be a distemper that they might legally kill
-the cur. She temporarily ends her caresses by repeatedly kissing its
-cold peaked nose, to the infinite disgust of the majority of the
-passengers, who, rather than witness a repetition of the silly act, look
-out of the windows and become suddenly interested in the construction of
-the buildings or fences along the route.
-
-[Illustration: ALIGHTING GRACEFULLY.]
-
-And then there is the impatient passenger, who is either limited in time
-or sense, probably in both.
-
-He foolishly attempts to leave the car while it is in motion, in order
-to save a few moments. Immediately afterwards he wishes he hadn’t, and
-sits down with considerable feeling to think over his rashness. There
-was a time, no doubt, when he could jump on and off a car like a
-newsboy; but that time has evidently gone by.
-
-When we consider the roughness of his seat, and the unexpected manner in
-which he settled on it, we have to acknowledge that he sits with
-considerable grace. However, as he has lost time instead of gaining it,
-by the action, he will perhaps try to catch a better hold of the old
-rascal’s forelock the next time he is running past him.
-
-
-
-
-                              SIMON RAND.
-
-
-No poet, however gifted, can get along without his muse, any better than
-a navigator can without his compass. If the goddess is not at his elbow,
-the lyre hangs mute upon the wall, and the pen corrodes in the ink. Then
-what can the poor limited rhymer do without a muse to inspire him? As
-mine is at present leaning over the back of my chair in a very
-encouraging manner, I will strike my harp and lay the following
-heart-rending tale before the world in verse.
-
-             _First Gossip_—“Was she false?”
-             _Second Gossip_—“Ay, false as her teeth.”
-                                             —_Old Volume._
-
-  In Siskiyou, a tanner lived,
-    Whose name was Simon Rand;
-  He loved the miller’s daughter, fair
-    Annetta Hildebrand.
-  The maiden loved the tanner, too,
-    (At least the maid so said,)
-  And she the happy day had named
-    The parson would them wed.
-
-  The golden day-dreams lengthened as
-    The season shorter grew,
-  And Cupid slung his bow across
-    His shoulder, and withdrew.
-  A golden pointed arrow lay
-    Imbedded in each heart;
-  The little god conjectured they
-    Could never live apart.
-
-  But fire will test the iron safe,
-    And powder prove the mine,
-  And tempests try the ship at sea,
-    The woodman’s axe the pine;
-  And gold will sound the human heart,
-    The maiden’s love it tries;
-  It is the plummet weight that proves
-    How deep affection lies.
-
-  One Jacob Towle, a rival, came
-    To darken Simon’s days;
-  His clothes were fine, his purse a mine,
-    He drove a span of bays!
-  The fair Annetta was his mark;
-    He deftly played his hand;
-  He turned her giddy head around,
-    And love, from Simon Rand.
-
-  The tanner saw his dove prove daw,
-    And scarce believed his eyes;
-  But change was there, in look and air,
-    And in her curt replies.
-  He called one night, in hopes he might
-    Back his affianced win;
-  Word came by “sis” (an old game this),
-    “Annetta was not in.”
-
-  But ah! how keen are lovers’ eyes
-    When rivals are around;
-  A glossy hat hung in the hall;
-    He reached it with a bound.
-  “See, my child, a pleasing sight!”
-    Said he with a ghastly smile;
-  “For into fraction, into mite,
-    I’ll smash the villain’s tile.”
-
-  He seized it, and he squeezed it, too,
-    He bowled it on the floor,
-  He thumped it, and he jumped it, and
-    He kicked it through the door.
-  So through the gate he then escaped,
-    And he was heard to say,
-  “By all the hides that I have scraped
-    With life I’ll make away.”
-
-[Illustration: REVENGE IS SWEET.]
-
-  Next morning he was missing, and
-    The neighbors thought it queer:
-  For he at work was ever found
-    Throughout the busy year.
-  Noon came, but brought not Simon back;
-    And then their wonder grew
-  Into a fear, that he had done
-    What he had sworn to do.
-
-  A search was instituted, and
-    All work was at a stand,
-  For weak and stout alike turned out
-    To search for Simon Rand.
-  Across the mill-pond and the flume,
-    The grappling drag they drew,
-  They scanned the trees and probed the wells
-    The little village through.
-  But tale or tidings none they found;
-    So all the search gave o’er,
-  And sat them down to talk and smoke,
-    Around the tavern door.
-
-  When teamster Joe picked up a hoe
-    That by his side was laid,
-  And turning round to farmer Pound,
-    He slapped his thigh and said,
-  “I’ll stake my strongest pair of mules
-    Against Moll Benson’s cat,
-  That Simon Rand, the missing man,
-    Lies dead in his own vat!”
-
-  No face was there, beard-hid or bare,
-    Light, tawny-hue, or dark,
-  But on the instant plainly showed
-    The weight of that remark.
-  To feet they sprung, both old and young,
-    And down the shortest road,
-  By Silly’s still and Burrill’s mill,
-    To Simon’s shop they strode.
-
-[Illustration: THE EXPLORING PARTY.]
-
-  One pace in front leaned Parson Lunt,
-    Who let his dinner stand,
-  And joined the throng that surged along
-    In search of Simon Rand.
-  Across his shoulder, stooped with age,
-    He poised his garden rake,
-  And those had need to urge their speed
-    Who followed in his wake.
-
-  Then side and side, with equal stride,
-    Pressed Joe and Jasper Lane;
-  Next Elder Chase kept even pace
-    With stout old Sidney Vane.
-  Then two and two, and three and three,
-    And sometimes four abreast,
-  With hoes and hooks, and thoughtful looks,
-    Come clattering on the rest.
-
-  The place was gained, all eyes were strained
-    Upon the brimming vat;
-  But not an eye its depths could spy,
-    Or pierce its scum of fat.
-
-  “A fearful place,” sighed Elder Chase,
-    As down he dipped his pole;
-  “No love or woe could make him throw
-    Himself in such a hole.
-  A man would choose a hempen noose,
-    A pistol, drug, or knife,
-  If he designed through troubled mind
-    To make away with life.”
-
-  A silent group they kneel and stoop,
-    And shove their poles around,
-  Now left, now right, till all affright
-    One cried, “I’ve something found!
-  It’s him I know, I must let go!
-    I dare not see his face
-  When coming from the depths below;
-    Will some one take my place?”
-
-  Then Parson Lunt stepped to the front,
-    And clasped his hands in prayer;
-  And cried, “We thank thee for his dust,
-    His soul in mercy spare.”
-  Then took the pole from Selby’s hand,
-    Who quickly sought the rear,
-  Yet dodged and peeped his best to see
-    If Rand indeed was there.
-
-  Up rose the heavy burdened hook;
-    “That’s him!” a dozen cried;
-  But when they took a second look
-    It proved a brindled hide!
-  Then impious Brown, the village clown,
-    Turned from that vat aside,
-  And laughed until the tears ran down
-    His cheeks as though he cried.
-
-  Still round he went, with body bent,
-    His face one endless grin,
-  Because the Parson praised the Lord,
-    Then raised—the heifer’s skin!
-  The tools once more sink as before,
-    To scrape the bottom slow:
-  Another mass—they strike—and pass,
-    It rolls along below!
-
-  “I have him now!” cried Dennis Howe,
-    The blacksmith’s helping man;
-  While down his face, in rapid race,
-    The perspiration ran.
-  With mighty grip, and backward tip,
-    Stout Dennis manned the pole,
-  Which bent as though ’twould snap and go,
-    And Howe would backwards roll.
-
-[Illustration: UP HE COMES.]
-
-  And woe is me, that tanner man,
-    And woe is me, that maid!
-  And woe is me, that staring group
-    Around that vat, afraid.
-  The hold was good, the pole has stood,
-    And up the hook has drawn
-  The poor discarded Simon Rand,
-    Dead as a pickled prawn!
-
-  And lo! a great cast-iron weight
-    Fast to one leg was tied;
-  Which, as he rose did oscillate,
-    And swing from side to side.
-  Upon a door his form they bore
-    Back slowly through the town,
-  And still behind them left a trail
-    Where dripped the water down.
-
-  For every step fresh showers drew
-    Down from that litter bare,
-  From garments soaked quite through and through,
-    From mouth and nose and hair.
-  ’Twere sad to tell of funeral show
-    That in that town was seen;
-  Enough to know that Simon low
-    Lies where the grass is green.
-
-  Annetta, now, is Mrs. Towle,
-    And servants on her wait;
-  And dogs with uninviting growl
-    Drive beggars from her gate.
-  And Simon’s shop has gone to wreck,
-    No bark is needed now,
-  No more before the greasy door
-    Lie horns of ox or cow!
-
-[Illustration: UNPROMISING OUTLOOK.]
-
-  But on the anniversary
-    Of that distressful night,
-  The superstitious people say—
-    Within it burns a light.
-
-  And there the tanner may be seen
-    His thin arms shining bare,
-  Bent o’er the bench, as though at work
-    Fast scraping off the hair!
-  Anon, slow rising from his toil
-    A woeful sigh he gives,
-  And gazes long towards the hill,
-    Where false Annetta lives.
-
-  Then turning round he gives a bound,
-    As when he crushed the hat,
-  And fastening to his leg a weight
-    He leaps into the vat!
-  And with him goes the wondrous light
-    That shed its ghostly ray;
-  And dismal darkness wraps the place
-    Until the dawn of day.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                         THE VALUE OF A COLLAR.
-
-
-Dear me! what a terrible dodging life the poor city cur leads, to be
-sure, whose owner does not consider him of sufficient importance to
-warrant taking out a license. His excursions must necessarily be
-limited.
-
-He never dares to bark in the daytime, and now I think of it, that may
-account for his howling all night. To bark between the hours of seven in
-the morning and six in the evening would be equivalent to running his
-head into the pound-keeper’s lariat. He knows it, too, the rascal, and
-hardly indulges in a yelp, even if his tail is trod upon. I have always
-noticed that the eyes of the cur that wears no collar—(which would
-entitle him to the freedom of the city)—protrude from the sockets much
-farther than the optics in the head of the licensed animal. I have
-noticed this fact and pondered over it, striving not a little to arrive
-at some satisfactory conclusion in regard to the matter. It may be that
-this strange protrusion is brought about by the continual strain while
-on the lookout for the pound-keeper or his sneaking aids.
-
-Another peculiarity about the unlicensed cur,—his eyes are invariably
-the color of tobacco juice. “Why are they so?” you probably inquire. Be
-patient, and I will tell you? It is the result of the burning envy
-continually agitating his breast and adding a bloodier lustre to his
-orbs.
-
-How must envy consume his very vitals when he beholds his younger
-brother, perhaps, trotting forth into the street, his neck encircled
-with the leather zone that insures him respect and immunity from
-assault; while he must cower behind the ash barrel, and wait for night
-to temporarily shield him from insult and injury.
-
-The old adage is hardly applicable to his case. He has no _day_, but he
-has his night, however, and he would be a fool not to make the most of
-it.
-
-How trifling a thing will draw the line between him and his licensed
-brother. One white foot, perhaps, a spot too many on the head, or want
-of one above the tail may have cursed him through the length and breadth
-of his existence. If he lives it must be by his wits. Every man’s hand
-or boot seems to be against him. The licensed dog can stretch lazily
-upon the sidewalk and oblige the pedestrians to go around him rather
-than take the chances of stepping over, or stirring him up with a kick.
-
-[Illustration: NO COLLAR, NO CRUMBS.]
-
-It is dangerous business, this waking up a dog with your boot. You may
-take him in a time when not in the mood for permitting such familiar
-demonstrations.
-
-Perhaps he may be hungry, and since the dogs devoured poor painted
-Jezebel, their weakness for human flesh will occasionally make itself
-manifest. I, who have been thrice vaccinated by a canine tooth (and it
-took each time, too), speak knowingly on this subject.
-
-Now, as I gaze out upon the street, I mark the slow approach of the
-pound-keeper’s dingy cart. Ever and anon it comes to a sudden halt, and
-skirmishers are deployed on each side to search the alley-ways and lanes
-along the route. Hark! what cry is this that comes quavering forth from
-that shaky prison? A bark? No, never a bark, but a quavering bleat from
-the pale lips of a poor old goat. Alas! poor goat.
-
-It, too, was evidently straying about unlawfully, in some one’s garden,
-perhaps, or stripping the posters off the fence before the paste was
-dry, or the bill-sticker a block away, and in consequence he is now
-occupying a position that, however exalted it may be in one sense, makes
-him feel very ill at ease all the same.
-
-His fellow prisoners are dogs of every breed under the sun.
-
-There is no discrimination in that moving prison, no separate cells. The
-full blood setter pup fares no better than the worthless poodle that
-couldn’t smell a quail a yard distant unless it was roasting. The big,
-sour, surly mastiff, with blood-shot eyes and pendent jowl, who long has
-been the acknowledged champion of a block, and in his day lacerated many
-a paw, hasn’t even a growl to offer, but crouches side by side with the
-poor maimed and mongrel cur that for years has been racking through life
-on three legs.
-
-Still the dismal looking cart jolts along attracting the attention of
-the passing crowds. Still the villainous-looking aids, who flank the
-vehicle, trail their ready lariats, and dart exploring glances into
-every nook and corner. And as I gaze, I marvel to see how quickly the
-outlaws get a knowledge of its approach, and stand not upon the order of
-their going, but precipitately leave for back yards and kitchens.
-
-
-
-
-                            QUAINT EPITAPHS.
-
-
-While strolling through an old cemetery this afternoon I was surprised
-at the number of quaint epitaphs there to be found.
-
-For a while I almost imagined myself rummaging among the old time-worn
-tombstones in some English or Welsh burying-ground. Many are written in
-verse, especially on the stones erected during a certain period,
-extending over about ten years, which proves that during these years the
-city had a tombstone poet among her citizens.
-
-He was an odd genius, whoever he was, this graveyard rhymer.
-
-One peculiarity seems to have been his coupling with the epitaph a brief
-account of the manner in which the deceased party was taken off. The
-first inscription which attracted my notice as odd, was chiseled upon a
-large marble slab which leaned over the spot where a party who had borne
-the ancient and honorable name of “Smith,” rested from his labors. The
-obituary ran thus:—
-
-                  “Smith ran to catch his fatted hog,
-                    And carried the knife around;
-                      He slipped and fell;
-                      The hog is well,
-                  But Smith is under ground.”
-
-This stanza should be introduced into public schools, and adopted as a
-morning chant, to impress upon the mind of the pupils the importance of
-a person’s having his wits about him. Death brought about by such gross
-carelessness as Smith showed, is—to say the least—first cousin to
-suicide, and doubtless there will come a time when Smith’s case will be
-inquired into.
-
-Under a large oak tree on the south side I came upon a tombstone which
-bore no date, but had evidently been erected many years. The fence which
-once enclosed the grave had nearly disappeared, nothing remaining except
-a few rotten stakes protruding through the grass. What once had been a
-mound was now a hollow, which told the mute gazer, decay had done its
-worst.
-
-Through a rank growth of weeds and briers, a few pale neglected flowers
-raised their delicate faces, like virtue struggling heavenward through
-the retarding throng inhabiting this naughty world.
-
-The headstone was evidently erected before the poet’s day, and he who
-erected it had composed the epitaph. It is more than likely he chiseled
-it also, as the letters were ill-shaped and irregular, and looked as
-though carved out with a pick.
-
-Here is a _fac-simile_ of the inscription:—
-
-                      “Cynthy Ann is berried here.
-                           Be easy with her,
-                                 Lord,
-                      And, you won’t lose nothin’,
-                   She was a plaguey good wife to me
-                                  But
-                         She wouldn’t be druv.”
-
-That “Cynthia Ann” had faults is evident from the tone. But I thought as
-I turned from the spot, if her greatest fault lay in not allowing
-herself to be “druv,” her prospects were better than the average.
-
-What a contrast was the line inscribed upon a tombstone directly
-opposite:—
-
-                         “He sleeps in Heaven.”
-
-Mere speculation only, and wild at that. The extravagant notion that a
-person sleeps in Paradise must have emanated from the brain of some
-sluggard, who thought that heaven without sleep would be a wearisome
-place. The “sleeper’s” name was Gregg, and from a representation of a
-pair of scissors cut upon the slab I presumed he was a tailor. On making
-inquiry of the sexton, busily engaged closing a grave at the time, I
-found my supposition was right. Gregg was a tailor, but met death at the
-heels of a horse. To use the sexton’s own words, which were spoken in
-pure Greek—
-
-“Begorra he _was_ a tailor, and it was meself that planted him there. He
-was killed in the barn beyant, while sthrivin’ to pull the makin’s of a
-fish-line out of the tail of owld Gleason’s stallion.”
-
-When a person learns what his occupation had been, and how he died, the
-assertion that he had gone to heaven, strikes one as too ridiculous for
-anything.
-
-[Illustration: THE SEXTON.]
-
-Not less amusing or quaint was the verse inscribed upon the plain marble
-slab which marked the resting-place of Mr. and Mrs. Barradier. The stone
-was probably put up by some acquaintance of the deceased couple who knew
-that their marriage had been anything but a happy one; the verse upon it
-also informs the passer-by that they left no descendants to perform that
-pious duty. It said—
-
-                “Released from worldly care and strife,
-                Here side and side lie man and wife;
-                And with the couple buried here
-                Expired the name of Barradier.”
-
-
-
-
-                           MISTAKEN IDENTITY.
-
-
-An amusing scene occurred this afternoon as I was coming up from the
-post-office. It was a case of mistaken identity. It seems a somewhat
-dissipated old Irish woman was deserted some weeks ago by her husband.
-
-Through her domestic troubles and excessive drinking she at times
-becomes quite crazy,—so much so that her friends have to keep a constant
-watch over her to prevent her from doing mischief. She is very large and
-powerful, and when in one of her tantrums is no easy person to manage.
-It appears that when she has one of these crazy spells, she imagines she
-recognizes her husband’s Milesian features in almost every face she
-looks upon.
-
-This afternoon, while the crazy fit was upon her, she escaped from her
-keepers, and rushed into the street with dilated eyes and dishevelled
-hair. With sleeves rolled above the elbows and clenched hands, she
-charged up the street, looking right and left for some person on whom to
-fasten.
-
-She was indeed ripe for an encounter, and nearly the first person she
-met was a prominent clergyman returning to his residence from the
-Mercantile Library, with his newly selected book under his arm. She
-stood for a moment directly in front of the minister, and riveted her
-red optics upon his face in an inquiring stare, which soon kindled into
-one of recognition.
-
-Anticipating trouble, he attempted to pass around her and proceed
-quietly on his way.
-
-But she was too quick for him.
-
-Reaching out her long bare arm, she brought it around like the boom of a
-sloop, and with one wide sweep knocked his hat spinning to the sidewalk
-at her feet.
-
-[Illustration: THE CLERGYMAN IN LIMBO.]
-
-He stooped to pick it up again, and while bent in the act, she seized
-him by the hair with both hands, and giving a guttural laugh, not unlike
-the self-satisfied croak of a down east bullfrog, exclaimed:—
-
-“Ah! Barney, ye galavantin’ spalpeen! ye can’t desave me wid yer
-stove-pipe! So ye’d dezart the wife o’ yer boosome, would ye? ah, ha!
-come home wid me now, or I’ll be afther takin’ your durty ould scalp
-along wid me!”
-
-A soft rabbit under the wide paw of a California lion, or a sparrow in
-the talons of a hawk, is not more utterly helpless than was the poor
-dominie in her terrible clutch. His position was anything but an
-enviable one. It actually seemed as if every hair upon his head was
-gathered and drawn into one mass, over which her muscular fingers held
-complete control.
-
-He dropped his book and shouted loudly, partly through pain, and partly
-anger at seeing the fate of his fashionable hat, now lying under her
-great broad foot, flat as a German pancake.
-
-His cries of fear only made the crazy woman more confident of her
-abilities. She commenced backing along the street, in the direction of
-home, and at every step, with an irresistible yank, she dragged the
-expostulating minister along with her over the uneven sidewalk.
-
-She had snaked him along fully two rods in this manner, and was making,
-to use a nautical phrase, such good stern-way that she was on the point
-of breaking into a trot, when her heel caught on the edge of a plank.
-
-The result was terrible in the extreme.
-
-She fell backwards, pulling the unfortunate captive to the sidewalk
-after her, where they gyrated in the most ludicrous positions
-imaginable.
-
-A couple of gentlemen, emerging from a store at that instant, looked on
-the pair in blank astonishment for a moment. Recognizing their own
-gifted pastor, they ran to his assistance, and lost no time in raising
-him to his feet, and turning over the old crazy woman to an officer who
-happened at that moment to step out of a saloon.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                     FLIRTING, AND WHAT CAME OF IT.
-
-
-      At an open window wide, just across the way,
-      Sits a roguish little blonde nearly all the day,
-      Playing with a tabby cat, and gazing down below,
-      Flirting with conductors that are passing to and fro.
-      Some receive a passing nod, and some receive a smile;
-      But she watches Number 6 whilst going half a mile.
-
-      And the gay conductor while he’s throwing kisses there,
-      Doesn’t hear the signals given by an aged pair,
-      Though the man, as best he can, whistles loud and shrill,
-      And the wife, as though for life, charges down the hill.
-
-      And the blameful driver, while he gazes wistful back,
-      Doesn’t see the little child a creeping on the track.
-      Soon the jury summoned there to question how it died,
-      Will as their opinion give, “a case of suicide;”
-      And the driver and his mate acquitted from all blame,
-      Kisses at the blonde will throw, and she’ll return the same.
-
-
-
-
-                         THE CHAMPION MEAN MAN.
-
-
-Yesterday I came across a singular looking individual dressed in a
-greasy, dingy suit. He was sitting on a log before his door engaged in
-repairing a shovel-handle.
-
-“Say, stranger,” I said, addressing him, “can you inform me where Deacon
-Shellbark lives?”
-
-The farmer looked up, pushed his slouched hat back on his head, and
-after surveying me some time in silence, drawled out:—
-
-“Be you any relation of his’n?”
-
-“No,” I replied, a little surprised at his manner of answering; “I
-haven’t a relative in the State.”
-
-“By thunder! I congratulate you upon your good fortune,” he ejaculated,
-“particularly because there’s no tie of consanguinity existin’ atwixt
-you and old Deacon Shellbark. He’s expectin’ a son home, and I thought
-you mout be him.
-
-“Wal,” he continued, pointing with a huge jack-knife that he held in his
-hand, “you see that house to the left of them scrub oaks, don’t you?
-that ar buildin’ with the leetle coopalow on’t? Wal, thar’s whar old
-Deacon Shellbark lives; _the meanest man in this yer county_, and that’s
-sayin’ considerable, too! cause we’ve got some vicey-fisted customers
-round these yer parts, men who scrape the puddin’ pot mighty clean
-before the dog gits a chance to canvass it, now I can tell ye. But I
-feel safe in stickin’ in old Shellbark at the head, and I ain’t agwine
-to haul him down nuther. I don’t believe in talkin’ much about one’s
-neighbors, but I ginnerally tell strangers what sort of a man he is,
-cause if they go to tradin’ with him and aren’t on thar guard, he’ll
-skin ’em quicker than a whirlpool sucks in a dead fish.”
-
-“You know the Deacon, then?” I remarked, while the hope I had
-entertained of getting his name on my subscription list began to take to
-itself wings.
-
-“Yes, I reckon I do know him,” he replied, “pooty well, too; a great
-sight better than is profitable to him, and he knows it. Oh, you bet he
-knows it, and hates me as he does the dry murrain that gin the crows
-fifteen of his best cows last summer. I knowed him back in Scrabble
-Town.
-
-“They wouldn’t allow him to come within pistol shot of a church back
-thar, because they mor’n suspected he stole the wine and bread from the
-communion table one day. They were down on him flatter than a stone on a
-cricket allers arterwards. He’s a deacon out here though, but that ain’t
-nothin’. He can’t fool me with his prayin’. I want no sech crooked old
-disciple as he is intercedin’ for me, you know.”
-
-“I was hoping he would subscribe for this book,” I remarked, “but I am
-afraid there is not much use of my going there if he is so very mean.”
-
-“Look’e here, stranger,” he remarked earnestly, “you mout just as well
-stop thar whar you’re standin’. Subscribe! He’ll gig back from a
-subscription list jest as he would from a six-shooter.”
-
-“Ah, but this is a religious work, and perhaps he would lend that his
-support,” I answered quickly.
-
-“Religious work be shelved!” exclaimed the farmer. “That doesn’t help ye
-any; you can’t do anythin’ with him, ’cause he hain’t got no more soul
-than an empty gin bottle. You mout as well bait a rat trap with a cat’s
-head and expect the varmin to go a-nibblin’ at it, as to expect him to
-put his name down to anything that’s agwine to take coin from his
-pockets.
-
-[Illustration: SLEEPY DOBY.]
-
-“You’re a stranger in these yer parts I see, and tharfore haven’t the
-slightest idea what a towerin’ mean man he is; why he’d run a mile to
-git on the sunny side of a feller to cheat him out of his shadow! I
-knowed him back in old Indiany. He’s from the same place that I am, but
-you can kick me clear over to them foot-hills and back ag’in if I don’t
-feel like takin’ pizin every time I have to own up to it. He used to be
-in cahoot with a tanner back thar named Doby; sleepy Doby, the boys
-called him, for he was the sleepiest feller you ever did see. Go asleep
-while workin’ at anythin’. He would drop asleep sometimes while scrapin’
-a hide, and cut the consarned thing all into parin’s; at other times he
-would fall back into the tan vat, then wake up and holler for the boys
-to come and fish him out.
-
-“They say he dropped asleep once while ringin’ a hog to prevent him from
-rootin’ up the clover patch. The minister of the village had to pause in
-the middle of a sermon he was preachin’ half a block away, until the
-squealin’ subsided.
-
-“But as I was gwine to tell ye, before the rheumatism got into his
-j’ints, and made him shun water as he would a tax-collector, old
-Shellbark used to be pooty fond of fishin’. One day Parson Bodfish was
-gwine off to have a day’s sport, and took me along to carry the fish. I
-was only a boy then, and mighty tickled because I could go. Jest about
-the time we got to the river we overtook old Shellbark a-pointin’ thar
-too. When we got to the bank they both set in gettin’ out thar hooks and
-lines, and then for the first time old Shellbark found out he had left
-his bait to hum. So he commenced to sputter and fret, takin’ on terribly
-about it, until Parson Bodfish ses to him, ‘That’s all right; I reckon
-I’ve got enough bait in this box for both of us, and I’ll give you half
-of mine, and let us start in and make the most of it.’ So the Parson—who
-had a heart the size of a sheep’s head—took out his bait-box and gin him
-more than half. It’s so; I seed ’em when he took ’em out. Pooty soon
-arter, while the parson was a-standin’ on a log that horned out over the
-water, a-baitin’ of his hooks, a big-mouthed fish-hawk gin a-chatterin’
-screech overhead, and startled him a leetle, and while lookin’ up he let
-his bait-box fall into the river.
-
-“The box was open, so the worms war scattered every which way, and away
-went box and bait a-flukin’ down the rapids, and the parson’s cusses
-follerin’ arter. He _did_ swar, by hunky! I heer’d him. He had a mi’ty
-hot temper, and it was more than he could do sometimes to keep it down.
-A feller couldn’t blame him much for swa’rin’ jest then, ’cause ’twas a
-pooty tryin’ time. He turned around sort of quick when he thought of me
-bein’ thar. I seed him turnin’, though, and let on to be talkin’ to a
-fish that I was stringin’ on, so he reckoned I hadn’t noticed him. We
-hurried on down the river, and arter a while overtook old Shellbark, who
-was snakin ’em out as fast as he could fix bait and throw in.
-
-“‘I lost all my worms back thar, while standin’ on a log,’ ses the
-parson, ‘and will have to fall back on you for some.’ The old snipe
-grumbled out somethin’ about bein’ out of all patience with people who
-war so fool careless. Arter a while he took out the rag he kept the
-worms in, and although he had quite a large knot of ’em, he gin the
-parson jest one, and dead at that! It’s so! You may laugh, but I seed
-it. When he was a-pickin’ it out and handin’ it to him, and when Parson
-Bodfish was a-stickin’ the hook into him, he lay thar and took it as
-e-a-s-y, and never squirmed or objected the least. You’d hev thought it
-was a link of vermicelli the parson had picked out of a soup plate.
-
-“When Parson Bodfish took it from him, he held it between his finger and
-thumb a while, jest that way, and I swow I felt solid sure he was agwine
-to slap it back into old Shellbark’s face.
-
-[Illustration: OPENING HIS HEART.]
-
-“He didn’t, though. But he did look as if he’d like to, mi’ty well. He
-stood thar and stared him in the face as if actewally in doubt about his
-being the person he divided with in the mornin’. Arter a while he baited
-his hook and started in right thar. He had amazin’ good luck, too, with
-one bait. He hauled out four floppin’ great chubs, one right arter the
-other, and durin’ the same time old Shellbark didn’t get a bite from
-anythin’ but musquiters. He seemed just tearin’ mad over it, too, I can
-tell you.
-
-“He stood thar a-floppin’ and a-scratchin’ and a-slingin’ of his line
-out the full length, tryin’ on all sides continewally, but to no
-purpose.
-
-“At last, thinkin’ he had a fish when he didn’t, he switched up his line
-so spiteful it caught in a tree-top more than fifteen feet above his
-head; and while he was a-gawpin’ up thar, jerkin’ the line, and stampin’
-round, he sot his foot flat onto his string of fish that war layin’ thar
-on the bank, and squashed the in’ards out of nigh every one of ’em.
-Between thar slipperiness and his confusion, hurryin’ to git off ’em
-before they were sp’iled, he fell and slid away down the bank, head
-fust, a-clawin’ and a-kickin’ jest like a skeer’d alligator. Only he
-chanced to strike ag’inst an old root that was stickin’ up at the margin
-of the river, he’d have gone plum to the bottom for sartain.
-
-“Unfortunately the last fish Parson Bodfish caught had swallered the
-bait, so he ses to me kind of low, ‘Dolphus, let’s see if we can’t skeer
-up a lizard, or somethin’ that’ll do for bait when a man’s in a pinch.’
-
-“So we set in to huntin’ and s’archin’ under old logs and stones, and
-dead wild grass, but couldn’t git hold of anythin’. The parson fell
-three times on all fours in the dirt, and gin his wrist a mi’ty bad
-sprain while pursuin’ a queer, long-legg’d horned critter somethin’ like
-a cricket, only pizenous, I guess. I could have caught it once, as it
-went dronin’ past, but didn’t feel like touchin’ it. Finally it got
-stuck into a clump of ferns, and he gin it up. So arter a while he ses,
-‘I’ll have to go back and try that old Shellbark ag’in, though I’d
-ruther take a dose o’ ipecac than do it.’
-
-“So we come back to whar he was fishin’. He looked mi’ty solemn, and was
-muddy as an old stone boat. Ses the parson to him, ‘I’ll have to call on
-you ag’in for another _dead_ worm; the one you gin me is all gobbled
-up.’
-
-“‘Seems to me you’re mi’ty extravagint with the bait,’ he ses gruffly,
-and switchin’ his line around and slingin’ it out far as the pole would
-let it go, but not makin’ the least motion to comply with the parson’s
-request.
-
-“‘Waal, I don’t know how that is,’ ses Parson Bodfish, kind of easy
-like, and tryin’ to keep down his anger, that I seed was rizin’ jest
-like bilin’ sugar, ‘I nabbed four rousin’ good fish with that one bait.
-I reckon that’s doin’ pooty well; fact I know it is. They seem to bite
-fust rate at dead worms jest now.’
-
-“‘Waal, I don’t know anythin’ about that,’ ses the old narrow gauge,
-‘s’posin’ you cut up some of your fish and see if you can’t catch
-somethin’ with that sort of bait; fish bite pooty well at that sort of
-an offerin’ jest before rain, they say.’
-
-“‘Then you ain’t a gwine to give me any worms?’ ses the parson, in a
-husky voice, and shakin’ like a rag in the wind, he was so chock full of
-passion.
-
-“‘Waal, this is a sort of curious world, Mr. Bodfish,’ ses old
-Shellbark, slow and niggardly like, jest that way, ‘and without a feller
-looks out for himself he ain’t considered nothin’. ‘Sides you know,’ he
-contin’ed, ‘fish bait is a good deal like an oyster or a bean—somethin’
-that’s mi’ty hard to divide with a feller,’ and he commenced to troll
-along down stream.
-
-“Apple sass and spinage! I never did see a man so riled as that Parson
-Bodfish was sence I could distinguish the moon from a lightnin’ bug. He
-changed to all the colors of the rainbow by turns in less time than I’m
-tellin’ ye. You never seed sech a struggle between sin and piety as
-raged inside that parson for about five minutes.
-
-“Fust piety seemed to be gettin’ on top, then sin would choke her down
-and hold her thar. At last he turned around and run full chisel ahind
-the turned up roots of a big windfall as though a gallon and a half of
-black hornets war arter him. I reckoned he was gwine arter stuns to gin
-the old feller a good peltin’, and that kind of work bein’ right into my
-hand I ran thar too, cal’latin’ to help him do it. But I was mistaken’d.
-
-[Illustration: SWEARING TO GET EVEN.]
-
-“He wasn’t gwine arter stuns, for I seed so soon as he thought he was
-out of sight he flopped down on his knees right thar in the mud,
-a-holdin’ his hands jined together above his head jest that way. I
-allowed he was a gwine to pray then for sartin, but he didn’t pray; no
-siree, not much pra’ar jest then! he sw’ar’d though. He did! I heered
-him, jest as plain as could be, ses he:—
-
-“‘I sw’ar I’ll git even yet with that old Shellbark, if I have to yank
-him out of his grave like a body-snatcher, to accomplish it!’
-
-“I felt like runnin’ thar and sayin,’ ‘Don’t rise yet, let me kneel and
-sw’ar too,’ the same as that tricky feller does in the play whar he’s
-a-foolin’ the jealous nigger so bad; but I knowed it wouldn’t do, ’cause
-he didn’t want me to see him kneel thar in the mud. So when he came back
-he found me peltin’ a frog as if nothin’ had happened.
-
-“‘Come, Dolphus,’ ses he, ‘its gettin’ pooty late; I guess we mout as
-well be a-movin’ back home.’ So we turned back toward the village,
-though ’twa’n’t more than noon, and left old Shellbark fishin’ thar. He
-did git even with him though.
-
-“One Sunday soon arter Parson Bodfish was”—here the farmer was
-interrupted by a wild looking female who stuck her frowzy head out of an
-open window, like a turtle out of its shell, and shouted, in anything
-but a sweet voice:—
-
-“‘Dolphus! you natural born talkin’ machine you! what are ye a-settin’
-a-pratin’ and a-pratin’ about out thar? that old hog is in the gardin’
-ag’in, a-h’istin’ the parsnips, and crunchin’ ’em like an old b’ar.’
-
-“Consarn her spotted hide!” he vociferated, jumping up and grabbing a
-huge cudgel that lay near by. “Jest you stop yer, stranger, for about
-ten seconds, until I make that old swine think thar’s a trip-hammer got
-a foul of her, then I’ll tell ye how the parson got even.”
-
-“I couldn’t stop to hear the story any way,” I replied, “for I must be
-travelling. However, I’ll take your advice and give the Deacon a wide
-berth.”
-
-As I descended the hill, the swine’s wail was ringing in my ears, and I
-judged the trip-hammer was at work.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                          IN A THOUSAND YEARS.
-                    (A WOMAN’S DREAM OF THE FUTURE.)
-
-
-    ’Twill be all the same in a thousand years!
-    What a terrible line this, to draw out the tears.
-    Oh, how oft do I weep at the dance, or the play,
-    O’er the sorrows we women are doomed to convey;
-    And can it be so, must we stand at the gate,
-    Denied all the honors of the country or State?
-    Our part but to please and obey lordly man;
-    Be kind when he’s surly, and be sweet as we can;
-    As students to shiver, like leaves in the breeze,
-    If we chance to infringe on his rules or decrees?
-    Then have pity, ye gods, who look down on our case,
-    Shut from Bar, Bench and School Board, and every fat place,
-    To pick up the pennies that oppressors fling down,
-    For cutting and stitching, and clothing the town.
-    Oh, the tyrant’s sharp lash, his “pooh pooh’s,” and his sneers,
-    Will be all the same in a thousand years.
-
-    Ah! ’tis not the same in a thousand years;
-    How sweet and how pleasant our life now appears,
-    For women no longer bow down at the nod
-    Of creatures, who ruled with a chain and a rod;
-    But as lawyers they plead, and as doctors dissect,
-    And in temples of learning control and direct.
-    The weak-footed student at mile-posts may rest
-    Without springing a mine in the President’s breast;
-    There’s no splitting of hairs to deny her the prize,
-    She receives her diploma and a blessing likewise;
-    Now women no more stitch and stew for their lives,
-    Or suffer injustice, because daughters or wives;
-    Lo, they sit down as jurors, they judge and they vote,
-    And in steering through life ply an oar in the boat.
-    The mother departed looks down here with pride
-    On her merciful child dealing charity wide;
-    While man, that once governed so harsh and severe,
-    Applies for positions in meekness and fear;
-    Now the cane of the dude is no more on the street,
-    The eyeglass is missing, and sharp-pointed feet,
-    The poor “chappy” himself is beyond the bright spheres,
-    For ’tis not the same in a thousand years.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                           THE COBBLER’S END.
-
-
-A large crowd of people was standing in and around a small shoemaker’s
-shop on Third Street. Elbowing my way to the inner circle, I found the
-excitement was over a man who had committed suicide. He was lying upon
-the floor, his hands still grasping a shot gun, with which he had blown
-off the top of his head.
-
-I learned it was the shoemaker, and that he had committed the rash act
-because the lady on whom his affections were set had seen fit to choose
-another for her partner. Worst of all, it was a tailor who, to use a
-common expression and one to the point, had cut him out. They were both
-charmed with the comeliness of the young woman, and whenever an
-opportunity offered, were in the habit of throwing sheep’s eyes in the
-direction of her apartment. The lady seemed to grow more interested in
-the situation, and even went so far as to smile archly upon him.
-
-The tailor, who had never received such a compliment from so pretty a
-woman before, was quite carried away with joy. He felt that his love was
-returned, and from that moment the world presented a different aspect.
-It was not even a new picture in an old frame, or _vice versâ_, but was
-new throughout.
-
-Even the old breeches on his lap seemed to suddenly undergo a strange
-metamorphosis. The stout, rough material, over which he had lately been
-bending with crippled fingers and sprung needle, in the twinkling of an
-eye seemed transformed into a golden fleece, through which the waxed
-thread flew like chain-lightning through a cotton umbrella. To have an
-interview was now his only study, and where there’s a will there’s a
-way.
-
-One day a small boy was pressed into service and intrusted with a letter
-to the woman in whom his whole heart seemed wrapped. She received it
-safely, and duly by return of post broke the delightful intelligence to
-the tailor that his love was returned, and ended the epistle by
-requesting him to call.
-
-Hardly had “seeling night scarfed up the tender eye of pitiful day,”
-when the tailor with palpitating heart ascended the rickety stairs that
-led to the apartment. How he was received there is no knowing, but it is
-apparent to all he soon ingratiated himself with the handsome damsel, as
-the sequel shows.
-
-The knight of the thimble and needle had saved considerable money and
-was comely to look upon, while she was both free and willing to wed, so
-the courtship was a short one.
-
-As it happened, the tailor had received an offer from a business firm in
-the country that day, and as delays were considered dangerous, they
-decided to be married at once and start for their new home. It chanced
-that neither the lover nor his fair inamorata were troubled with enough
-luggage to require the services of an express wagon, and it wasn’t long
-before their traps were stuffed into sacks and bundles ready for
-removal.
-
-Talk about striking while the iron is hot: they went ahead of the
-time-honored injunction, and hammered the iron while it was yet in the
-furnace. The bat had hardly found his evening meal before they were
-united and received the congratulations of the officiating clergyman,
-and before Hesperus led her starry host down to the western main the
-happy pair might have been seen bending under their respective burdens,
-and moving rapidly down the thoroughfare to catch the first train for
-the country.
-
-[Illustration: A MOVING SCENE.]
-
-Crispin soon discovered his handsome bird had flown. This was too much
-for the poor cobbler. He couldn’t bear up under the weight, and having
-procured a shot-gun, soon ceased to exist.
-
-[Illustration: SHUFFLING OFF THE MORTAL COIL.]
-
-These facts I gleaned from a grocer who lived near by, and who was
-acquainted with all the parties. My mind was so disturbed by the
-distressing event, I found it impossible to sleep for hours after I
-reached my room. I started in to recite a book of Paradise Lost, but it
-was no go. I had Michael assaulting Satan with a shoemaker’s awl instead
-of with his sword of celestial temper. I then endeavored to run over an
-act in Shakespeare, but met with no better success. I had Othello
-blowing his head off with a shot-gun, instead of stabbing himself with a
-knife. Still, the terrible combination of circumstances culminating in
-the death of the poor cobbler crowded upon me in a saddening train, and
-much-needed rest came not to my relief until the following lines were
-composed and set to music:—
-
-                 “Oh, the sunshine of his life
-                 Had become a tailor’s wife,
-             Which was more than selfish heart could bear;
-                 So he got his gun in haste,
-                 In his mouth the muzzle placed,
-             Turned his eyes aloft as if in prayer;
-                 On the trigger set his toes—
-                 As the illustration shows—
-             Then up to the ceiling went his hair!
-
-[Illustration]
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                         THE LAST OF HIS RACE.
-
-
-While passing through the market this morning, I saw the old turkey that
-had escaped the ravages of Christmas. He is said to be the sole remnant
-of the turkey tribe—living or dead—at present to be found. Though the
-door of his coop was open he seemed to have no desire to escape.
-Evidently, like Byron’s “Prisoner of Chillon,” he has been so long an
-inmate he has become attached to it, and would rather remain there than
-take his chances in the busy world outside.
-
-He stood most of the time in the centre of the coop in a brown study.
-Once, while I was looking at him, he attempted to expand the dilapidated
-substitute for a tail and assume the dignity and strut of other days.
-The effort was too much for him, and he settled down again into a
-dreamy, somnolent state, from which the crowing of a large Brahma even
-failed to arouse him. The poor fellow will doubtless fall a victim to
-man’s rapacity on New Year, for I noticed a fleshy old epicure regarding
-him with hungry sinister looks; nay, more, setting a price upon his
-head.
-
-Passing again through the market this afternoon, I noticed the coop was
-empty, the “Prisoner of Chillon” was missing. Who had purchased him? or
-what had become of him? were questions which, however pertinent they
-might be, I felt I had no right to ask, and I didn’t. But the finger of
-suspicion points directly at the mouth of that venerable justice who was
-setting a price upon its head.
-
-
-
-
-                           JIM DUDLEY’S RACE.
-
-
-Now that I am rid of my wild-cat mining stock, my aching teeth and
-inverted toenails, “Jim Dudley” turns up again with his stories and
-slang.
-
-Last night he told about the fast team he once sported in Indiana, and I
-wager considerable that he never drove a horse in his life, except it
-was to the pound that the might get half the fine. But this is the way
-he spun his yarn:—
-
-“Did the boys tell you about the span I used to drive down at Grab
-Corners? No? wal, that’s queer. I owned a mi’ty fast pair while I was
-stoppin’ thar.
-
-“You see I fust had a four-year old hoss, and used to go buzzin’ through
-the village like a streak o’ lightnin’; and when I had jest enough
-whiskey aboard to make me feel a leetle reckless, I used to turn the
-corners on the two inner wheels and never make a miss of it.
-
-“My ambition was to own a span, though. Arter a while I bought a young
-mare from Deacon Shovelridge. She was the homeliest lookin’ critter,
-though, you ever sot eyes on. Her tail was as hairless as a garter
-snake. She was a basin-raised colt, and one mornin’ she was standin’
-round whar the boys were makin’ soap, and while backin’ up to the blaze
-to git warm, her tail caught fire, and every spear of hair was burned
-off. It never came out agin, nuther.
-
-“It made her look pooty bad, but I see the go was in her, and that was
-what I was arter. Durin’ fly time I used to help her out of her troubles
-a leetle by fastenin’ a heavy tassel to the end of her tail, and arter
-some practice she could fetch a fly off her ribs or fore shoulder
-e’enmost every pop.
-
-“I got her pooty reasonable. The Deacon said he was actewally ashamed to
-go out with her, for the boys were allers a-hootin’ arter him. Besides,
-the old codger seemed to have a likin’ for me, and allers took my part
-when others were runnin’ me down. The mare matched the young hoss fust
-rate. Both had hides like rhinoceroses, which sweat could never get
-through. They might be bilin’ hot inside, but they never showed any
-signs of it outwardly.
-
-[Illustration: ABE DRAKE.]
-
-“Arter a little trainin’ they pulled together, and spatted it out as
-even as the wheels of a ferry-boat. I used to make a commotion among the
-villagers when I turned out, for I could pass everythin’ around the
-Corners; and you ought to have seen the fellers a-runnin’ out to hold
-their hosses by the head when they see me comin’, and the wimmin
-a-hollerin’ and tuckin’ up their skirts and scuddin’ arter their young
-‘uns as though a drove of Mexican cattle were a-comin’ across the
-bridge.
-
-“One day an old sport named Abe Drake, a sort of spreein’ old bachelor,
-come over thar from Illinois. He afterwards married a brokin’ winded old
-concert singer that used to be squeakin’ around there, and went to live
-in Hulltown. Wal, as I was sayin’, he came over there and brought a
-spankin’ fine team along.
-
-“They were amazin’ nice-lookin’ critters now, I can tell you; skins
-smooth and shiny as seals, and tails on ’em that actewally trailed in
-the dust behind. He allers had plenty of money, and was continewally
-takin’ the gals around to one place or another. He was ginerally
-considered the biggest cat on the wood pile. We never came in contact
-when we had our teams out until one day at a picnic in Gawley’s Wood.
-
-“That straw-headed Kate Rykert was thar. She was the rollickin’,
-don’t-care gal of the village, one of these tree-climbin’,
-astride-ridin’ critters, but a mi’ty good gal for all that, and handsome
-as a new fiddle. She was well up in the fine arts, but she could realize
-more genuine enjoyment chargin’ through the pastur’ astride the old
-mooly cow than she could by trummin’ a pianer.
-
-[Illustration: KATE RYKERT.]
-
-“Wal, there wasn’t hardly a gal in the village that Abe Drake hadn’t bin
-a-spurrin’ round, and he had sort o’ commenced a-trampin’ on his wing
-like around Kate Rykert about this time.
-
-“It happened I had a sort of weakness that way myself, and I didn’t like
-his maneuverin’ any too well now, I kin assure you. He couldn’t make
-much out of Kate, though. She liked fast horses and a splurge, but she
-wasn’t one of those gals that would marry an old pair of breeches jest
-because there was greenbacks in the pockets.
-
-“But, as I was remarkin’, that day while the picnic was breakin’ up, we
-all got talkin’ about a ball that was comin’ off the followin’ week down
-at Crow Bend. Abe wanted Kate to go down thar with him, but she had
-partly agreed afore that to go long er me; so to git herself out of it
-and me in, she said she would go with the one who could take her the
-fastest.
-
-“‘That’s me,’ said Abe, straightenin’ up kind of proudly, and givin’ his
-pantaloons a hitch up at the waistband. ‘I can let you count the panels
-along the turnpike a leetle the quickest of any person around these
-quarters,’ and he looked sideways at me to see how I took the assertion.
-
-“‘It’s not allers the hen that does the most extensive advertizin’ that
-makes the largest deposits,’ said Tom Ruggles, laughin’, as he sat thar
-packin’ away his dishes.
-
-“‘No, Tom,’ said Gus Parks, the millinery man, who didn’t like Abe any
-too well, because he sort o’ smashed an engagement between him and the
-schoolmarm; ‘and it’s not allers your longest-tailed quadrupeds that git
-over the ground the fastest, nuther.’
-
-“‘Wal, never mind, boys,’ ses I, jest easy, that way, ‘the proof of the
-whiskey is in the headache arterwards. I reckon I kin kill as many
-grasshoppers between here and Grab Corners as any person that cracks a
-whip in these parts.’
-
-“‘What! with them thick-skinned critters of yourn?’ said Abe, p’intin’
-his fingers at my hosses, and laughin’ as though it was mi’ty funny. It
-made me feel pooty riley, but I kept my temper.
-
-“‘Supposin’ they hev thick skins,’ I ses, ‘they’re somethin’ like the
-cheese that goggle-eyed Peter bought from the peddler, their peculiarity
-doesn’t lie in the thickness of their hide so much as in the mysterious
-way they have of movin’ themselves around.’
-
-“‘S’pose you try a race back to the Corner, then,’ ses one of the boys.
-
-“‘Yes,’ ses Kate Rykert, clappin’ her hands and jumpin’ up. ‘I’ll ride
-back to the Corner with one of you, and let Tilley Evans go with the
-other, and I’ll go to the ball with the one who gets to the village
-first.’
-
-“‘Agreed,’ ses Abe, ‘and you’ll ride back with me?’
-
-“‘No, I’m heavier than Tilley,’ ses Kate, ‘let everythin’ be even; toss
-up for partners back to the Corner.’
-
-“This seemed fair, so we flipped, and I won Kate. She weighed ten pounds
-more than Tilley, but I didn’t care for that, for I knowed if the worst
-come to the worst, she was none of your jumpin’ out kind; she would
-stick to the buggy while there was one wheel and the seat left, and
-that’s the sort of a gal to have along with a feller when he’s tryin’
-hoss flesh.
-
-“The whole picnic gathered around us when we were gettin’ our teams
-ready and war speculatin’ on the result. Money was gwine up on all
-sides. Parson Briarly had no change about him, but he bet his gold-bowed
-spectacles against old Silverthorn’s meerschaum pipe that I would git to
-the Corner fust.
-
-“‘Beat him, Jim,’ ses Gus Parks, ‘and I’ll give Kate the best bonnet in
-the store.’
-
-“‘And I’ll give her the highest-heeled pair of boots that I’ve got in my
-shop,’ said Tom Ruggles, the boot and shoe dealer.
-
-“‘Then Kate is a bonnet and a pair of boots ahead, for sartain,’ says I,
-jumpin’ into the buggy and squarin’ round my horses for the road; and
-with that we started, lick-a-te-split! down the turnpike, Abe a leetle
-ahead, but not enough to make much difference with five miles of good
-turnpike ahead of us, without let or hindrance.
-
-“Pooty soon Kate leaned over to me, and ses she, ‘You must beat him,
-Jim, for between you and me, I would ruther go to the ball with you than
-with Abe.’
-
-“This made me feel mi’ty good, and ses I, ‘You mustn’t get skeered,
-then, for I reckon we’ll hev to take some desperate chances to git thar
-fust.’
-
-“‘Let me alone for that,’ ses she; ‘when I can’t ride as fast as a hoss
-can run, then I’ll stay to hum, and let dad tote me around in the
-wheelbarrow.’
-
-“Just then we came up with him. He tried to shake us off, and would
-spurt ahead, but I’d crawl up on him agin, and stick thar, lappin’ him
-and goin’ with him stretch for stretch, like a dog when he’s a-freezin’
-to a pig’s ear. Away went Kate’s hat a-flutterin’ over butter-cup swale,
-like a Bird of Paradise over the gardin’ of Eden.
-
-“‘That’s mi’ty bad, Kate,’ ses I, lookin’ over my shoulder at it sailin’
-off.
-
-“‘Let it go hatchin’,’ ses Kate, laughin’. ‘It’s only gettin’ out of the
-way of the new bonnet.’
-
-“I thought ’twas a good omen myself, but didn’t say anythin’, for jist
-then Abe shot a leetle ahead, and as he was gwine off, he hollered, ‘You
-can’t do it, Jim.’
-
-“‘I kin,’ ses I, determinedly.
-
-“‘Your hosses are ginnin’ out; they hain’t got the bottom into ’em,’ he
-shouted, jest that way.
-
-“‘It must hev dropped out last night, then,’ ses I, and with that I
-overhauled him agin. Past Brian O’Laughlan’s door yard we went like a
-whirlwind through a flour ‘mill, over a hen and three suckin’ pigs. The
-old woman was standin’ thar in the yard with her apron full of chickens,
-shakin’ her fist at us and swearin’ like a drunken gypsy. Her long
-tongue was a-slushin’ and dashin’ against her one front tooth like a mop
-ag’inst a table leg.
-
-[Illustration: MRS. O’LAUGHLAN.]
-
-“I could have laughed myself to tears only I had to keep my eyes clear,
-for the road was so narrow in some places that when we were abreast
-there wasn’t any ground to spare.
-
-[Illustration: JUST AS IT WAS.]
-
-“We were now passin’ the half-way spring and the race was fully as
-undecided as when we broke away from the hootin’ crowd on the picnic
-grounds.
-
-“Down past old Deacon Shovelridge’s ten-acre hop yard we went
-rack-a-te-bang! hub end against hub end, and the outer wheels a-spokin’
-it within six inches of a four-foot ditch.
-
-“The ride to the Corners began to look like the ride to etarnity, and
-Tilley was as pale as a gray nun’s ghost, and continewally making
-narvous reaches for the lines.
-
-“But Kate was equal to the surroundin’s. Thar she sot, with one arm
-around me and ’tother graspin’ the seat rail, and above the clatter of
-hoofs and steel axles, I could hear her repeatin’:—
-
-“‘Stick to him, Jim, and start my stitches, if he doesn’t git his crop
-full of dust yet!’
-
-“Old Shovelridge was in the field on a load of hay as we were passin’.
-He was inclined to piety, and if the world had no hosses in it I reckon
-he’d have been as pious as a church organ.
-
-“And when he saw us a-raspin’ down the turnpike as though we were ridin’
-in a four-hoss chariot, and saw Kate Rykert’s great swad of blonde har
-a-streamin’ out behind, like the tail of a comet, he couldn’t contain
-his feelin’s no how.
-
-“He gin a rousin’ whoop like a Chilchat Indian, when he sights a fur
-hunter. Throwin’ away the pitchfork—which accidentl’y harpooned the old
-lady in the back who was rakin’ behind—and jumpin’ from the load, he
-took across the field to’ards the turnpike, swingin’ his old straw hat
-and hollerin’:—
-
-“‘Go it, Dudley; go it! Keep the hoss up with the rat-tail mare, and
-I’ll bet my farm you’ll make Grab Corner fust!’
-
-“This made me feel pooty good, for the mare was the one I had some fears
-about.
-
-“But you ought to see how it affected Abe; he commenced to slash his
-hosses and swar like an ox teamster when his cart is stuck hub deep in
-the mud.
-
-“Finally the off-horse broke, and there was a sort of irregular upheaval
-among ’em for a while, as though they war steppin’ on broken cakes of
-ice; one would be gwine down while ’tother was a-comin’ up.
-
-“Abe tried to bring ’em down to their work agin, and in the meantime I
-kind of corkscrewed ahead and swung into the centre of the road in
-advance of him. Then I began to feel somethin’ like a feller what holds
-the winnin’ cards, and sees the other chaps a-pilin’ up the coin on
-their inferior pasteboards. But I see some young half-breeds a-squattin’
-around on the road about a quarter of a mile ahead, and knowed at the
-rate we war travellin’ we’d be on top of ’em before they’d see us if I
-didn’t haul up.
-
-“So I ses to Kate, ‘See them plag’y brats ahead of us thar! what bed we
-better do about it?’
-
-“‘Run over the centipedes,’ ses she. ‘Abe ain’t a gwine to slack up for
-’em,’ and she cuddled closer to me so the jolt wouldn’t hist her out.
-
-“I shouted two or three times, but they were too busy with their mud
-pies, I reckon, to take any notice, and Abe was makin’ no signs of
-haulin’ up. I did my best to sheer round ’em, and kept right on for the
-Corner.
-
-“I heered ’em scream as we went a-whirlin’ on, but reckon it was more
-through fright than injury.
-
-“Abe had lost his grippin’s. He couldn’t overhaul me ag’in, no how, and
-I gradually crawled away from him, if he did his pootiest.
-
-“The whole village seemed to be out to the bridge to see what was
-comin.’
-
-“They see the dust risin’ when we were more’n a mile away, and they
-allowed the greatest run-away was a-comin’ down the turnpike that had
-happened since Bull Run, and were out thar speculatin’ as to whose
-family was in danger.
-
-“But when they see it was a race, and recognized me, you ought to see
-the scatterin’ amongst ’em. You’d think a hull menagery had broken loose
-and was comin’ for ’em.
-
-“Ole Pelvy, the shoemaker, was a-settin’ on the railin’ of the bridge;
-but jest as I crossed it, the crowd hoorayed, and jostled him off. He
-hung over the railin’ by one leg, with his body swayin’ below, and him
-a-hollerin’ like a good feller, and signalin’ for help, but the crowd
-were so taken up with the race, and were cheerin’ and swingin’ of their
-hats continewally, that they never knowed anythin’ about his position.
-
-[Illustration: CURING PEOPLE’S CORNS.]
-
-“Pooty soon his leg slipped over, and then he went, end over end more’n
-twenty-five feet, into the river, and was carried over the falls before
-anybody missed him. Arter that people weren’t troubled so much with
-corns around Grab Corner, for though he’s dead now, I’ll say it of him,
-he was the wust shoemaker that ever shoved an awl into a hide.
-
-“I druv up to the hotel, and had jest got through helpin’ Kate out, when
-up come Abe, with his hosses hobblin’ as if they had picked up a
-twenty-penny nail in every hoof.
-
-“They looked somewhat as if they had bin swimmin’ in a soap vat.
-
-“Abe was very much of a man, though, arter all. His hosses I reckon had
-never bin passed before, but he didn’t bluster or git mad about it
-neither, though it must have bin pooty tryin’ to him.
-
-“‘By the Witch of Endor’s long eye tooth,’ he cried, as he jumped from
-the buggy, ‘you did it, Jim; and you did it fair. Only I kinder think
-you swung in ahead of me a leetle too quick, back thar where that crazy
-old whipperin hollered so.’
-
-“‘No, Abe,’ ses I, ‘I didn’t take an inch o’ turnpike till I was
-entitled to it.’
-
-“‘Wal,’ ses he, as he came round to look at my animals, that were
-standin’ thar seemingly as cool as a brace of toads in a celler, ‘I’ll
-be shot if them hosses of yourn ain’t somethin’ like the widder Tappan’s
-boarders. The speed they show in gettin’ away with anythin’ was most
-surprisin’.’
-
-“So Kate Rykert got the bonnet and boots, and I gin her a new dress to
-go with them, and if we didn’t shine out some the next week down to Crow
-Bend then thar ain’t no use talkin’ about it, that’s all.”
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                             OLEOMARGARINE.
-
-
-                 Through the busy bustling street,
-                 Rolls a cart I often meet,
-                 The driver shouting from the seat:
-                           “Oleomargarine!”
-
-                 On the tail-board long and wide,
-                 Reaching fair from side to side,
-                 Shines the word in painted pride:
-                           “Oleomargarine!”
-
-                 What it is doth not appear,
-                 Where it comes from all may fear,
-                 Still I shudder when I hear:
-                           “Oleomargarine!”
-
-                 Here and there he slowly crawls,
-                 Pausing by the butcher stalls,
-                 In the kitchen door he bawls:
-                           “Oleomargarine!”
-
-                 Bring your tallow, bring your fat,
-                 Candle ends and all like that,
-                 They will issue from the vat
-                           Oleomargarine.
-
-                 Any scraps you have about,
-                 Kidney, liver, tripe, or snout,
-                 All will make, when they’re tried out,
-                           Oleomargarine.
-
-                 Comes the cry across the way,
-                 From a dame with rent to pay:
-                 “Do you purchase puppies? say,
-                           Oleomargarine!”
-
-                 “Is he fat?” the driver cries;
-                 “I should say so,” she replies;
-                 “Then pitch him in where pussy lies.”
-                           Oleomargarine!
-
-                 In the church, or at the play,
-                 In the parlor, night or day,
-                 Still the voices seem to say:
-                           “Oleomargarine!”
-
-                 From the birds that round me fly,
-                 In the brook that babbles by,
-                 Still I seem to catch the cry:
-                           “Oleomargarine!”
-
-                 With suspicion now I spread
-                 The cow’s rich offering on my bread
-                 That weird butter still I dread,—
-                           Oleomargarine!
-
-                 Dainties now I must forego,
-                 Pies and cakes and puddings, Oh!
-                 Can I trust them? no! no!! no!!!
-                           Oleomargarine!
-
-
-
-
-                       DINING UNDER DIFFICULTIES.
-
-
-Taking dinner to-day in a restaurant, I was in danger of being carried
-off by cockroaches. If I was inclined to draw comparisons, I would say
-that in size the cockroaches I encountered in this place would compare
-favorably with cupboard door buttons. I had seen these troublesome
-insects on former occasions when I thought they were numerous—when they
-were as thick around the bread-plate as bees around their hive in June.
-But I had never been present when they turned out in sufficient numbers
-to take and hold possession of everything upon the table, even to the
-mustard-pot. To-day I witnessed such a spectacle. I counted until I
-tired; their skelping to and fro made the task painfully difficult, and
-the effort was abandoned. They had evidently been lying in ambush in the
-cruet stand from the moment I sat down and gave my order, for the ring
-of the plate as it struck the board seemed to be the signal for a
-general advance. They appeared in military ranks, moving towards the
-dish in a semicircle, like a line of Fenian skirmishers advancing
-heroically upon a turnip patch. There were no frost-nipped fellows, with
-drooping horns and dragging limbs, among those legions either. All were
-active, square-shouldered customers, real thoroughbreds, wide across the
-hips, and boasting a depth of chest capable of enduring any amount of
-running; while their long, formidable-looking feelers stood out at right
-angles from their heads, like the horns on a Mexican steer.
-
-[Illustration: BUMMERS ON THE RAID.]
-
-“During your natural life,” I commenced, addressing a waiter who stood
-near by, evidently enjoying my surprise, “whether while officiating as
-head steward on board of a floating palace on the Mississippi, or
-serving as second cook on a grain scow on the San Joaquin, did you ever
-run across a place where the cockroaches were one-ninetieth part as
-numerous as they are in this restaurant?”
-
-“Numerous?” he answered; “you should be here a warm, sunshiny day, if
-you want to see cockroaches, for then all the invalids are out—those
-fellows who have had their movements across the table accelerated by a
-snapping finger, or such as have only tasted the poison scattered around
-for their benefit, or those who have taken an overdose and throwed it up
-again. These lie in cracks and cupboards, with stiffened joints and weak
-stomachs, when the weather is cold and cloudy; but when a warm day
-comes, they are all abroad and busy.”
-
-“Well, I will bear that in mind,” I said, rising from the table, “and
-when the next total eclipse of the sun occurs, which, as I am informed,
-will take place in about four hundred and thirty-seven years, I may come
-into this restaurant for another meal, and not until then,” and with
-that I left.
-
-
-
-
-                       ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
-
-
-The editor of a city paper having occasion to take a trip into the
-country, prevailed upon me to assume the responsibility of answering
-letters from correspondents. The task is an onerous one—the more so as
-the editor, with that cunning ever noticeable in a person who takes the
-cream of a job, left me to reply only to the knottiest epistles. But I
-will some time get even with him, however. I will assume the editorial
-“we,” and should I waken the wrath of any person, _he_ will be the
-sufferer. Here is a copy of my answer to “Katie:”—
-
-“The minister was perfectly right in refusing to marry the couple, if,
-as you say, the bride insisted upon holding her poodle in her arms
-during the ceremony. The more so as the clergyman was near-sighted. He
-might possibly mistake the puppy for the bridegroom.”
-
-Another person accuses a correspondent of a mis-statement. He says it
-was the editor of the _Farmer_, and not the editor of the _Examiner_,
-who planted the package of No. 16 homœopathic pills sent him from the
-country by a wag, as the seeds of a Sandwich Island cabbage.
-
-The old editor for weeks regularly watered the plot where he sowed them;
-but as nothing appeared, wrote to the country gentleman, informing him
-that his seeds hadn’t sprouted, and he thought it likely they might have
-been taken from a dead head.
-
-“Amy” is all in a fluster about spirits. I will talk to her after this
-manner:—
-
-“We have always considered spiritualism the bluest carbuncle that ever
-festered upon the neck of society. We care not if the spirits were
-rapping around our table like a forty-stamp mill, we would eat our
-regular allowance with all the coolness that a Celestial manifests when
-absorbing his birds’-nest soup. If your bed dances a _pas-seul_ after
-you get into it at night, there must be more than spirits around; and
-you would do well to throw a boot-jack or flat-iron under it before
-retiring. Such a proceeding might give you the satisfaction of hearing
-the spirits yell blue murder.
-
-“There is not much danger of your going crazy, because, in plain terms,
-we consider you to be luny already. The poor fellow in the lunatic
-asylum who imagines Queen Victoria has made a private residence of his
-nose, and who has nearly blown both eyes out striving to eject her, is
-hardly more so.”
-
-I trust the editor will lose some hair over that answer.
-
-On second thought, I remember the editor has none.
-
-
-
-
-                           COURT-ROOM SCENES.
-
-
-I am as full of law this evening as a sea-shell of sound, having been
-wedged in the District Court room from 10 o’clock A. M. to 9 P. M.,
-listening to testimony in the re-trial of the case of the People vs. a
-fiery lady, if we may use the expression, who brought down her game the
-first shot.
-
-Though the room was crowded almost to suffocation, I fancy there is not
-that deep interest that was manifested during the former trial. On that
-occasion there were so many letters introduced in evidence, such a mass
-of private correspondence dragged from musty trunks, and laid open to
-the public, that thousands flocked daily to the court room, in hopes of
-hearing something rich, if not instructive. I shall never forget the
-excitement during the reading of letter No. 947. It was from the
-defendant.
-
-The counsel for the defence argued a good round two hours and a half by
-the court-room clock, against the letter being admitted in evidence. He
-maintained it was irrelevant, as it had never been opened, the receiver
-forgetting to read it, or neglecting to do so, for some reason of his
-own.
-
-[Illustration: A DROWSY JURY.]
-
-The counsel for the people followed with even a longer appeal to the
-judge to admit the letter, strengthening his argument by lengthy
-quotations from Blackstone, Kent, Wharton, and other authorities,
-endeavoring to prove it should be put in evidence, as its contents might
-assist materially in furthering the ends of justice.
-
-The judge began to show unmistakable signs of impatience. He remarked
-that already a package of letters had been read that would go far
-towards shingling the Mechanics’ Pavilion, and had no more bearing upon
-the point at issue than “Darwin’s Descent of Man” had upon the culture
-of white beans. He finally gave way before the preponderance of the
-prosecuting attorney’s argument, and directed an officer to wake the
-jury, as a letter was to be read that all should hear. After
-considerable shaking and poking, this difficult duty was performed. Even
-the deaf juror was aroused, though the good-natured judge had permitted
-him to sleep during the introduction of several preceding epistles.
-
-After order was restored, and an inventive juror had improvised an ear
-trumpet with a piece of legal cap for his unfortunate companion, the
-_billet doux_ was opened. As the seal was broken, judge and jury rose to
-their feet with one accord, and leaned as far forward as their desks
-would allow, the more readily to catch every word of the important
-document. The silence in the room was death-like. It was supposed that
-on the contents of this letter hung either a scaffold or an acquittal.
-The weak ticking of the dusty clock upon the wall was the only sound
-that disturbed the awful stillness. As the calm settled, the muffled
-beat of the time-piece increased in force and volume until it seemed to
-attain the tones of a fire bell. Presently the attorney in a high and
-tremulous voice began to read. The contents ran thus:—
-
-  “MY DEAR, DELIGHTFUL DARLING:—How are my stocks selling now?
-
-                                              Your Loving, Adoring L——.”
-
-The effect was thrilling. The lawyer dropped the letter upon the table
-before him, ran his white fingers through his hair, and looked around
-with the air of a tired traveler when he ascertains he has walked five
-miles upon the wrong road. The gentlemen of the jury, with looks more of
-anger than of sorrow, dropped into their seats as suddenly as though an
-invisible hand had caught them from behind and jerked them to their
-benches.
-
-The Judge, with an ill-concealed look of disgust, settled back into his
-chair, and the deep crease in his vest, immediately over where his
-dinner should have been hours before, grew more painfully perceptible.
-
-I elbowed my way from the suffocating room before further correspondence
-was selected from the package for perusal.
-
-
-
-
-                           THE MASON’S RIDE.
-
-
-  The goat, the goat, the bearded goat!
-  The horned, the hoofed, the hairy goat!
-  As I’m a sinner of some note,
-  Last night I rode the Mason’s goat!
-
-  He was a beast of wondrous size,
-  With lengthy limbs and glassy eyes,
-  And beard that swept the carpet clear,
-  And horns that shook the chandelier!
-  Ye gods! if there’s a time we feel
-  Misgivings through our noddle steal,
-  It is when we through mystery float
-  Upon the dark Freemason’s goat.
-
-  Now some will say there’s no such thing,
-  And at the goat derision fling;
-  And say that all is Fancy wrought,
-  Through fear and dread suspicion brought.
-  But those who such remarks outpour
-  Have never knocked at Mason’s door,
-  Have nothing known about that beast
-  That was imported from the East,
-  Where kings of wisdom, wealth, and pomp
-  Bestrode him through his midnight romp.
-
-  Three times was I compelled to ride
-  The creature ‘round the Temple wide,
-  But while I tried the fearful mount,
-  My heart’s pulsations all might count,
-  For thump on thump with treble knell
-  Within my breast it rose and fell.
-
-  Twice did I make the circuit fair,
-  My hold his horns, his tail, or hair,
-  Though never shot a kangaroo,
-  So fast Australian jungle through.
-  From garret roof to basement floor,
-  Through ante-room and closet door,
-  O’er winding steps and columns tall,
-  He held his way through house and hall,
-  Till on the third attempt, and last,
-  When I presumed all danger past,
-  He pitched me clear of horns and head,
-  And left me far below for dead.
-
-[Illustration: THE ROCKY ROAD TO MASONRY.]
-
-  I felt as though a worthless clod
-  Unfit to keep above the sod;
-  But when I rose with terror pale
-  The goat had vanished, head and tail,
-  And I was styled by one and all
-  The greenest mason in the hall.
-
-  Let those who deem they are possessed
-  Of fadeless cheeks and valiant breast,
-  Of hair that never will aspire
-  To bristle like a brush of wire,
-  No matter through what risk they run,
-  Go ride that goat, as I have done.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-[Illustration: JUNE]
-
-                                  JUNE
-
-
-                Oh June! thou comest once again
-                With bales of hay and sheaves of grain,
-                That make the farmer’s heart rejoice,
-                And anxious herds lift up their voice.
-                I hear thy promise, sunny maid,
-                Sound in the reapers’ ringing blade,
-                And in the laden harvest wain,
-                That rumbles through the stubble plain.
-
-                Ye tell a tale of bearded stacks,
-                Of busy mills and floury sacks;
-                Of cars oppressed with cumbrous loads,
-                Hard curving down their iron roads;
-                Of barges grounding on their way
-                Down winding streams to reach the bay;
-                Of vessels spreading to the breeze
-                Their snowy sails in stormy seas,
-                While bearing to some foreign strand
-                The products of this golden land.
-
-                Ye come again with cereal brows,
-                And crescent blade, to fill the mows;
-                And never fall thy feet too soon,
-                Oh, ever welcome, sunny June.
-
-                Once more I see your banner spread
-                  Across the evening sky,
-                I see your trace in shallow brooks
-                  That feebly ripple by.
-                I see your face in mirror-lakes,
-                  In fields and forests old,
-                And in the gardens all arrayed
-                  In crimson, blue and gold.
-
-                I hear your voice in twittering birds,
-                  That round the gables wheel,
-                And in the humming monologues
-                  Which from the meadows steal.
-                Oh, month of Love and plighted faith,
-                  And airy castles high!
-                I hear you in the lover’s song
-                  And in the maiden’s sigh.
-
-                And in the breeze that gently wakes
-                  The leaves upon the bough,
-                I feel your soothing mother-touch
-                  Caressing cheek and brow.
-                Oh, sweet as sunrise to the lark,
-                  As noonday to the bee,
-                Or evening to the nightingale,
-                  Is June’s return to me.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                            THE ANNIVERSARY.
-
-
-This is the anniversary of my departure from my native fields. As I sit
-gazing by the fire, pondering over the event, thoughts of friends far
-away and foes who are near, come crowding upon me numerous as spirits
-around some favored medium.
-
-Many years ago I turned my back upon all I loved and setting my face
-against the sinking sun, cried:—
-
-                “Ho, sailors! spread your widest sails,
-                And court the strong impellent gales,
-                Until the stout and stubborn mast
-                Bends like a sapling to the blast;
-                And westward let your bearing be;
-                My fortune lies beyond the sea.”
-
-What a ruinous rent fifteen or twenty years make in a person’s lease of
-life. Why, bless my benighted understanding! the seal, the signature and
-the better portion of the parchment are gone. There’s hardly enough
-document remaining upon which to hinge a hope. Now, that I think of it,
-what have the departed years neglected to bring me? No flaxen heads
-cluster around my board; no nose is flattened against the window pane;
-no eye strained to mark my coming, when the granite pave is chafed by
-the homeward hastening feet.
-
-No jute or mohair chignons lie around my room in rich profusion, adding
-charms to the apartment that pictures cannot give.
-
-When I muse upon the many blessings that the past years have failed to
-furnish, I am inclined to sadness. But when I turn to contemplate what
-they _have_ brought, my heart sinks down into its lowest recess and for
-a time lies still. Aye! that’s the rub that makes me wince.
-
-There is but little satisfaction in the thought that I am not alone in
-this. I look around and I see others drifting down the stream as rapidly
-as I. Time is cutting furrows in fairer brows than mine. He has brought
-many a person during the last ten years—
-
-                   A scattered sight, a limping gait,
-                   Toothless gums and a shining pate.
-
-Why should I squeal because I feel his hands? But where are those full
-cheeks, those hopeful smiles, those luxuriant locks, and firm-set
-grinders that once were mine?
-
-            Gone, like the life from a busted balloon,
-            Gone, like the soul from a ruptured bassoon,
-            Gone, like the sheen from a pock-pitted cheek,
-            Gone, like our change at the close of the week,
-                                                      Gone!
-
-But what has that to do with my sore heel, peeled to-day by the hoof of
-a clergyman’s horse before I could get out of the way? The event called
-forth the following lines, written while laboring under great mental
-excitement:
-
-                How blest is he above the many
-                Who turns to-day a handsome penny,
-                By stating to the drowsy throng
-                The line dividing right and wrong!
-                Far richer pickings he commands
-                Than ears of corn rubbed in the hands.
-                How different now from days of yore,
-                When sandal-shod and spirit sore,
-                With stiffened joints and limber thews,
-                And garments damp with midnight dews,
-                The poor Apostles, staff in hand,
-                Went limping through a stranger’s land.
-
-                Now charge they up and down the way,
-                Like jockeys on the “Derby day;”
-                And we poor wights must waltz aside,
-                And let the pulpit princes glide;
-                Or have a phaeton o’er us wheeled,
-                Or have our heels adroitly peeled.
-
-                Oh, money! money! root and start
-                Of every sin, ’tis claimed thou art;
-                But let them doubt the fact who will,
-                ’Tis money spreads the gospel still.
-
-
-
-
-                            A COUNTRY TOUR.
-
-
-Yesterday I took a trip to a quiet country resort. On entering the town
-I was surprised at the scarcity of men in the place. There were plenty
-of women—fashionably dressed and otherwise—to be seen in the houses or
-gardens, but I rarely encountered one of the male sex in my travels
-through the streets. This, I at first supposed, was owing to the number
-of gentlemen residing there who carry on business in the city by the
-sea, and are consequently in the latter place during the day. I was
-informed, however, by the proprietor of the hotel at which I stopped,
-that such was not the case. He assured me it was mainly owing to the
-fact that the County Court commenced that morning, and most of the male
-inhabitants, as was their custom on such occasions, had taken to the
-surrounding woods and mountains to escape jury duty.
-
-The place is beautifully situated between high green hills, and said to
-possess the healthiest climate of any town in the State. During the
-summer months people flock there from all parts of the country. Healthy
-people pay high prices at the hotels for the privilege of living there,
-and sickly people do likewise, for the privilege of dying there.
-
-The peculiarities of the town, and the distinctive manners and customs
-of the inhabitants, have been ably described by a poet whose effusions
-have not yet been translated into the foreign languages. Following is a
-part of the poem which bears directly on the town in question:—
-
-             “Here rest we now by sulphur well,
-             Where invalids and nurses dwell;
-             Where yelping dogs run through the street
-               Like wolves across a prairie wide,
-             And cattle wild as bison meet
-               You face to face, on every side;
-             With tails in air, and frothy nose,
-             And leveled horns, they round you close.
-
-             “Where people sit around the door,
-             In lazy groups of three or four,
-             And still their chronic thirst abate
-             With copious draughts of ‘sulphur straight.’”
-
-There was quite an excitement in the town before I left. A fire broke
-out in an ash barrel situated in the rear yard of the house at which I
-was stopping, and for a time threatened to destroy the ashes. There is
-no estimating the amount of damage the citizens might have suffered if
-the fire had spread to a wash-tub that stood close by, and which at the
-time contained a portion of the town’s washing. Business was generally
-suspended, and stock in the insurance companies went down immediately.
-The citizens breathed more freely, however, when the efficient and
-energetic Fire Department turned out promptly as one man, and hastened
-to the city water-works, situated on a slight eminence in the centre of
-the town, and, turning on the water, succeeded in extinguishing the
-flames. The only damage done was the partial burning of the barrel and
-the scorching of the wash-tub and five dog-houses. The dogs were lying
-under the kitchen stove at the time, and escaped injury.
-
-[Illustration: THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.]
-
-
-
-
-                         A TRIP ACROSS THE BAY.
-
-
-I took a trip across the water this afternoon. The bay was so rough the
-ferry-boat could scarcely make her trips. The passengers were nearly all
-sea-sick, and, elbow to elbow, leaned over the side of the vessel. One
-gentleman, while gazing into the sea, lost his hat overboard, but he was
-so taken up with internal affairs that he cared little for outward
-appearances, as one could readily observe.
-
-I reached my destination, and was convinced that all the sorrows are not
-on the sea. I saw a poor old woman thrown into terrible disorder by a
-kick from the cow she was milking in her own yard. Judging by the
-quantity of milk lying around loose, she must have been nearly through
-her task, and was probably in the very act of complimenting the cow for
-her generosity, when the spiteful animal gave the pail a hoist
-completely over the woman’s head, like a huge helmet, while the lacteal
-fluid ran down her body. The pail seemed to stick, despite her efforts
-to remove it.
-
-[Illustration: PEERING INTO THE DEPTHS.]
-
-As I looked back, I could see her groping toward the house, her visage
-still concealed in the blue bucket. She did look odd enough, as she felt
-her way up the steps, decorated with that novel head-dress.
-
-[Illustration: GOOD-BYE.]
-
-There is a youth in this suburban town who bids fair to be a second
-Landseer. As I passed his father’s residence, I saw the young aspirant
-at work sketching from nature.
-
-He had the foot of a little cur fast in the jaws of a steel-trap staked
-in the orchard. The artist sat at a short distance sketching the poor
-beast, as it stood on three legs gazing at the heavens and crying
-piteously. He was eagerly striving to get the expression of pain upon
-the dog’s face, and by the grin upon his own countenance I judged he was
-succeeding.
-
-[Illustration: SKETCHING FROM NATURE.]
-
-There was something in the pair that reminded me of Parrhasius and the
-Captive; and being in somewhat of a sketching mood myself at the time, I
-produced my book and pencil, and leaning over the fence, sketched the
-painter and his howling model.
-
-[Illustration: SO SICK!]
-
-On my way back to the city the bay seemed even rougher than in the
-morning. There was hardly a passenger on board the ferry-boat but showed
-symptoms of trouble. Although most of them would have been excellent
-subjects for the artist of a comic pictorial, my attention was specially
-directed towards an elderly lady who sat with folded arms, the elbows
-resting upon her knees, and a most woe-begone expression upon her
-wrinkled visage. Some passengers who were sick were able partly to
-conceal their emotions; _she_ was not; every muscle of her face betrayed
-her. She was sick and couldn’t help but show it.
-
-[Illustration: AT THE RAIL.]
-
-If any individual amongst that crowd of disquieted passengers knocked
-louder at the door of human sympathy than did the old lady referred to,
-it was unmistakably that woman who was sick and had to show it at the
-vessel’s rail.
-
-
-
-
-                             CHRISTMAS EVE.
-
-
-Christmas Eve! I sit idly by my window, listening to the rapid patter of
-the rain upon the shingles and the wild whistle of the wind as it plays
-around the gables, or draws weird music from the telegraph wires
-stretched between the house tops, and upon which dangles the ghost of
-many a schoolboy’s kite. Christmas Eve! and I am not yet invited out to
-dinner! what can this mean? Am I then left to wither for want of
-attention, like some poor shrub plucked from a garden and planted in a
-graveyard? Well, let it be so. Alone though I am, I nevertheless enjoy
-myself hugely, and it requires considerable to enliven me now. There was
-a time when I could be moved to mirth by very little. The desperate
-efforts of a one-legged grasshopper describing circles while endeavoring
-to leap straight ahead, would amuse me for hours together. But it is not
-so now; I turn from such scenes to bury my eyes in the pages of profound
-works, and it is meet and proper I should.
-
-For the last half hour I have been watching an old washerwoman stealing,
-as I think, a neighbor’s wood. It is barely possible that she is taking
-this method of paying herself for services rendered at the tub. Be this
-as it may, the wood is going. There is no mistake about that.
-
-It is interesting to me, as it furnishes food for comment, and keeps the
-mind from lagging too long around the saddening fact that Time is
-writing lines upon my brow “with his antique pen.” Besides it is holiday
-season, and though I am not able to be charitable to a great degree, I
-can at least afford to be indifferent in this case.
-
-The washerwoman is doubtless a hard-working and deserving old body, who
-perhaps has sunk her whole week’s earnings in a Christmas turkey, that
-her children’s hearts may be made glad and their stomachs full; and it
-would be a great pity if it should be spoiled i’ the cooking for the
-want of fuel.
-
-I waive the crime, and speak of the facts from a disinterested
-stand-point. I have been such a diligent scholar in the severe school of
-experience, that I have learned to look upon my own misfortunes lightly,
-and certainly can behold—with an unmoistened eye—my neighbor’s choicest
-sticks noiselessly slipping into an adjoining yard. Besides, my neighbor
-can afford to lose a few. To make my position good, I entrench myself
-behind the following fact: To be in the fashion, he pays the price of a
-good-sized farm for seats at the opera, where the language is as foreign
-to his understanding as South Sea Island gibberish. While he
-indifferently beholds such a wasteful running at the bung, why should I
-assume the busybody’s _rôle_ and clap my finger on the dripping spigot?
-
-Besides, I saw his wife last evening with fully four yards of expensive
-satin trailing in the dust. It was my misfortune to be walking directly
-behind her. As the crowd was pressing me onward, I was obliged to dance
-a sailor’s hornpipe around the hall, in order to keep from treading upon
-her skirts. It needed not the grins of lookers-on to assure me that I
-was cutting a ridiculous figure.
-
-I am now enjoying my revenge! Indirectly though it comes, it is none the
-less sweet or acceptable. On the contrary, it is rather more gratifying,
-as it calls for no action on my part, but simply to keep my mouth
-hermetically sealed. The poet truly sings:—
-
-                  “Time at last sets all things even.”
-
-It has been in this case much quicker than I expected. As the skinny
-white arm stretches up out of the gloom of the washerwoman’s yard, and
-another billet shoots from the pile and disappears like a star from the
-firmament of heaven, I feel that a load is lifted from my heart, and I
-am reaping revenge.
-
-Stay! what is this? a note, that all the evening escaped my notice. Lo!
-an aroma issues from it, sweet as Cytherea’s breath! It is an
-invitation, as I live, to help dissect a Christmas turkey! Sound the
-timbrel, beat the tom-tom. I am not forgotten yet!
-
-[Illustration]
-
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
-
-
-
-                          TRANSCRIBER’S NOTES
-
-
- 1. P. 319, changed “shovin’ of it” to “shovin’ all of it”.
- 2. Silently corrected typographical errors and variations in spelling.
- 3. Archaic, non-standard, and uncertain spellings retained as printed.
- 4. Footnotes were re-indexed using numbers and collected together at
-      the end of the chapter.
- 5. Enclosed italics font in _underscores_.
-
-*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FRONTIER HUMOR IN VERSE, PROSE AND
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-
-<div style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Frontier Humor in Verse, Prose and Picture, by Palmer Cox</div>
-
-<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
-most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
-whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
-of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online
-at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you
-are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the
-country where you are located before using this eBook.
-</div>
-
-<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Frontier Humor in Verse, Prose and Picture</div>
-
-<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Palmer Cox</div>
-
-<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: February 27, 2021 [eBook #64642]</div>
-
-<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div>
-
-<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div>
-
-<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: Richard Tonsing, David Edwards, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive)</div>
-
-<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FRONTIER HUMOR IN VERSE, PROSE AND PICTURE ***</div>
-
-<div class='tnotes covernote'>
-
-<p class='c000'><b>Transcriber’s Note:</b></p>
-
-<p class='c000'>The cover image was created by the transcriber and is placed in the public domain.</p>
-
-</div>
-
-<div class='titlepage'>
-
-<div>
-  <h1 class='c001'>FRONTIER HUMOR<br /> <span class='small'>IN</span><br /> <span class='xlarge'>VERSE, PROSE AND PICTURE.</span></h1>
-</div>
-
-<div class='nf-center-c0'>
-<div class='nf-center c002'>
-    <div><span class='small'>BY</span></div>
-    <div><span class='large'>PALMER COX,</span></div>
-    <div><span class='small'>AUTHOR OF “QUEER PEOPLE,” “THE BROWNIES,” ETC., ETC.</span></div>
-    <div class='c002'>ILLUSTRATED.</div>
-    <div class='c002'>EDGEWOOD PUBLISHING COMPANY.</div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-</div>
-
-<div class='nf-center-c0'>
-<div class='nf-center c003'>
-    <div><span class='small'>Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1889, by</span></div>
-    <div><span class='small'>HUBBARD BROS.,</span></div>
-    <div><span class='small'>In the Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington, D. C.</span></div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_iii'>iii</span>
-<img src='images/piii.jpg' alt='COMIC YARNS IN VERSE, PROSE AND PICTURE By PALMER COX AUTHOR OF QUEER PEOPLE, THE BROWNIES, ETC., ETC.' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_v'>v</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>PUBLISHERS’ PREFACE.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c005'>Not only is truth stranger than fiction, but it is
-funnier also. Just as some men have no eye for
-colors, but are color blind; so some men have no eye
-for fun, but are fun blind. Happy is the man who
-can see the humor which bubbles up in daily life;
-doubly happy he who, having seen, can tell the fun
-to others and so spread the glad contagion of a
-laugh; but thrice happy is the man who, having seen,
-can tell the fun; and having told, can picture it for
-others’ eyes and so roll on the rollicking humor, for
-the brightening of a world already far too sad.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Palmer Cox is one who sees, and tells, and pictures
-all the fun within his reach, as this volume of Frontier
-Humor will certainly attest.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_vii'>vii</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>TABLE OF CONTENTS.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<table class='table0' summary='TABLE OF CONTENTS'>
-  <tr>
-    <th class='c007'></th>
-    <th class='c008'><span class='small'>PAGE</span></th>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Ah Tie—That Deadly Pie</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_17'>17</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>New Year’s Callers</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_21'>21</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Scenes on the Sidewalk</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_26'>26</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Sam Patterson’s Balloon</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_31'>31</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>My Canine</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_53'>53</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Jim Dudley’s Flight</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_56'>56</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Trials of the Farmer</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_67'>67</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>A Cunning Dodge</span></td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_69'>69</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>A Terrible Take in</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_73'>73</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>A Family Jar</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_78'>78</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>The Rod of Correction</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_85'>85</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Gone from his Gaze</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_89'>89</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>St. Patrick’s Day</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_91'>91</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>The Contented Frog</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_97'>97</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>All Fools’ Day</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_103'>103</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Finding a Horse-shoe</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_107'>107</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>An Evening with Scientists</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_117'>117</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Our Table Girl</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_120'>120</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>An Old Woman in Peril</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_122'>122</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>For Better or for Worse</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_128'>128</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Ode on a Bumble-bee</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_131'>131</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Dudley and the Greased Pig</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_135'>135</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Cora Lee</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_156'>156</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>A Brilliant Forensic Effort</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_162'>162</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Visiting a School</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_169'>169</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>The Rejected Suitor</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_171'>171</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>A Night of Terror</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_175'>175</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>My Drive to the Cliff</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_178'>178</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Second Sight</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_184'>184</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>The Thief</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_187'>187</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='pageno' id='Page_viii'>viii</span><span class='sc'>A Startling Cat-astrophe</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_194'>194</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>A Trip to the Mountains</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_196'>196</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>An Impatient Undertaker</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_209'>209</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Sermon on a Pin</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_218'>218</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Dudley’s Fight with the Texan</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_221'>221</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Roller Skating</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_242'>242</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>A Terrible Nose</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_243'>243</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>A Masked Battery</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_249'>249</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>The Prize I Didn’t Win</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_257'>257</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>The Countryman’s Tooth</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_260'>260</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Mining Stocks</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_262'>262</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Ode on a Flea</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_265'>265</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Fighting it Out on that Line</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_268'>268</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Dudley’s Fight with Dr. Tweezer</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_271'>271</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>My Neighbor Worsted</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_285'>285</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>The Breathing Spell</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_289'>289</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>A Visit to Benicia</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_290'>290</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Too Much of Indian</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_297'>297</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Going Up the Spout</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_299'>299</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>The Glorious Fourth</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_309'>309</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Jim Dudley’s Sermon</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_313'>313</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>The Poisoned Pet</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_337'>337</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Seeking for a Wife</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_340'>340</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>David Goyle, the Miller Man</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_349'>349</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Heels Up and Heads Down</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_360'>360</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>The Bitter End</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_362'>362</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>A Trip to the Interior</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_367'>367</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Hunting with a Vengeance</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_385'>385</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>The Art Gallery</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_391'>391</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>A Rolling Stone</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_396'>396</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Riding in the Street Cars</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_399'>399</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Simon Rand</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_408'>408</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>The Value of a Collar</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_420'>420</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Quaint Epitaphs</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_425'>425</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Mistaken Identity</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_430'>430</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Flirting, and What Came of It</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_435'>435</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>The Champion Mean Man</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_436'>436</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>In a Thousand Years</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_452'>452</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>The Cobbler’s End</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_454'>454</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='pageno' id='Page_ix'>ix</span><span class='sc'>The Last of his Race</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_460'>460</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Jim Dudley’s Race</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_462'>462</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Oleomargarine</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_481'>481</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Dining Under Difficulties</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_483'>483</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Answers to Correspondents</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_486'>486</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Court-room Scenes</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_489'>489</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>The Mason’s Ride</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_493'>493</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>June</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_497'>497</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>The Anniversary</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_500'>500</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>A Country Town</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_503'>503</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>A Trip Across the Bay</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_507'>507</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Christmas Eve</span>,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_513'>513</a></td>
-  </tr>
-</table>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_xi'>xi</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<table class='table0' summary='LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS'>
-  <tr>
-    <th class='c007'></th>
-    <th class='c008'><span class='small'>PAGE</span></th>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Pictorial Title,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_iii'>iii</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>A Tight Place,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_19'>19</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Starting Out,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_23'>23</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>A Little Mixed,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_24'>24</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Ex-veteran of Waterloo,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_27'>27</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>A Miner who will soon be Minus,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_28'>28</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>May and December,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_30'>30</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Sam Patterson,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_32'>32</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Premature Ascent,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_37'>37</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Attempted Abduction of Sam’s Wife,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_39'>39</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>“Let Me Git Out,”</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_41'>41</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>“Go in, Cripple,”</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_49'>49</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>A Right Angled Try-ankle,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_51'>51</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>A Prey to Disease,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_54'>54</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Bob Browser,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_57'>57</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Old Hurley Welcomes Jim,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_61'>61</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Old Hurley on the War Path,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_65'>65</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>A Happy Thought,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_68'>68</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Advance of the Cripple Brigade,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_71'>71</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>“Pay in Advance, Sir,”</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_75'>75</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Emperor Nelson, of San Francisco,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_77'>77</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Stranger Who Went Not In,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_79'>79</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Stranger Who Went In,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_83'>83</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>A Rear Attack,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_87'>87</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Little Dog’s Leather Collar,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_90'>90</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>In the Morning,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_93'>93</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>In the Evening,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_94'>94</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>In Meditation,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_98'>98</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Bob’s Attack,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_101'>101</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Alas! Poor Frog,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_102'>102</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='pageno' id='Page_xii'>xii</span>April,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_103'>103</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Sold,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_104'>104</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Horse-shoe Charm,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_109'>109</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Repairs Needed,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_113'>113</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The President of the Academy,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_119'>119</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Old Lady’s Ascent,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_124'>124</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Trying Moment,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_129'>129</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Judge Perkins,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_140'>140</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Bad for the Fruit Business,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_143'>143</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Bow-legged Spinny,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_146'>146</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Nip and Tuck,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_151'>151</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>More Light on the Subject,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_154'>154</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Chief,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_158'>158</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Behind the Bars,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_161'>161</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Advocate,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_163'>163</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Bill of Divorce,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_167'>167</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Head of his Class,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_169'>169</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Foot of her Class,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_170'>170</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>A Suitor Nonsuited,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_172'>172</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>A Rousing Event,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_176'>176</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Slightly Embarrassing,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_181'>181</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Badly Mixed,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_182'>182</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Economist Seeing Double,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_186'>186</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Richard Roe, the Sardine Thief,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_189'>189</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Judge,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_191'>191</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Neck to Neck,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_199'>199</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Steam let On,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_203'>203</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Blow me Up!</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_207'>207</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Business is Business,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_213'>213</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Bill After his Glass Eye,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_223'>223</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Ministerial Looking Man,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_227'>227</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Startling Disclosures,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_234'>234</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Busting his Bugle,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_244'>244</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The One-eyed Swede,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_250'>250</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Needed Air,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_254'>254</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Best Shot,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_258'>258</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Ascent,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_263'>263</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Descent,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_264'>264</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Going for the Doctor,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_274'>274</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='pageno' id='Page_xiii'>xiii</span>Hands Up and Heads Down,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_279'>279</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Alas! Poor Doctor,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_281'>281</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>One of Heenan’s Mementoes,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_292'>292</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>A Scientific Opening,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_294'>294</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>An Object of Suspicion,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_300'>300</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>On a Raid,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_304'>304</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Glorious Fourth,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_309'>309</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Arousing the Dog,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_311'>311</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Final Explosion,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_312'>312</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Something New,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_314'>314</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Doctor’s Scourge,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_318'>318</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Joe Grimsby,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_322'>322</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Truth is Powerful,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_328'>328</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Mr. Spudd,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_331'>331</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Old Interrogator,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_332'>332</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Having a Quiet Time,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_339'>339</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Crone,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_341'>341</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Attending to Business,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_345'>345</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Partner Wanted,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_347'>347</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The New Acquaintance,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_353'>353</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>A One-sided Operation,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_357'>357</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Lively Work,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_364'>364</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>A Mosquito on the Scent,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_368'>368</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>To the Hilt in Blood,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_371'>371</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Orchestra,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_374'>374</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Macbeth,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_378'>378</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Othello,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_379'>379</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>A Startling Apparition,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_383'>383</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Advance of the Expedition,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_386'>386</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Boggs Retrieving his Game,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_390'>390</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>From a Painting by an Old Master,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_392'>392</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Love’s Young Dream,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_394'>394</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>A Through Passenger,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_397'>397</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Signal Station,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_400'>400</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Rather “Sloroppy,”</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_403'>403</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Sniffing the Battle from Afar,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_404'>404</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Alighting Gracefully,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_407'>407</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Revenge is Sweet,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_411'>411</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Exploring Party,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_413'>413</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'><span class='pageno' id='Page_xiv'>xiv</span>“Up he Comes,”</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_416'>416</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Unpromising Outlook,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_418'>418</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>No Collar, No Crumbs,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_422'>422</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Sexton,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_429'>429</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Clergyman in Limbo,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_432'>432</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Sleepy Doby,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_440'>440</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Opening his Heart,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_444'>444</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Swearing to Get Even,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_449'>449</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>A Moving Scene,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_457'>457</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Slipping Off the Mortal Coil,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_458'>458</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Last of his Race,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_460'>460</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Abe Drake,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_464'>464</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Kate Rykert,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_466'>466</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Mrs. O’Laughlan,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_472'>472</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Just as it Was,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_473'>473</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Curing People’s Corns,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_478'>478</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Bummers on the Raid,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_484'>484</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>A Drowsy Jury,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_490'>490</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Rocky Road to Masonry,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_495'>495</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>June,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_497'>497</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>The Fire Department,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_506'>506</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Peering into the Depths,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_508'>508</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Good-Bye,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_509'>509</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>Sketching from Nature,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_510'>510</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>So Sick!</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_511'>511</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c007'>At the Rail,</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_512'>512</a></td>
-  </tr>
-</table>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_17'>17</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>AH TIE.<br /> <span class='large'>THAT DEADLY PIE.</span></h2>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figleft id002'>
-<img src='images/p017.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-l c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I Sing the woe and overthrow</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of one debased and sly,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who entered soft a baker’s shop,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And stole a currant pie.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And not a soul about the place,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And no one passing by,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Chanced to detect him in the act,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or dreamed that he was nigh.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The moon alone with lustre shone,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And viewed him from the sky,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And broadly smiled, as musing on</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The sequel by and by.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Ah Tie began, while fast he ran,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To gobble down the pie,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Determined that, if caught at last,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>No proof should meet the eye.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_18'>18</span>For not the fox, for cunning famed,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The crow, or weasel, sly,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Could with that erring man compare—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The heathen thief, Ah Tie.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But, blessings on the pastry man!</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Oh! blessings, rich and high,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Upon the cook who cooked a rag</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Within that currant pie!</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Dim was the light, and large the bite</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The thief to bolt did try,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And in his haste, along with paste,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He gulped the wiper dry.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So thus it proves that slight affairs</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Do oft, as none deny,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For good or evil, unawares,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Be waiting with reply.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The influence of every plot,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or action bold or sly,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or good or bad, mistake or not,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Will speak, we may rely.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He strove in vain, with cough and strain.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And finger swallowed nigh,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or in, or out, to force the clout,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or turn the thing awry.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_19'>19</span>But tight as wadding in a gun,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or cork in jug of rye,</div>
-      <div class='line'>The choking gag, but half-way down,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Fast in his throat did lie.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p019.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>A TIGHT PLACE.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Not finger point, or second joint,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or heaving cough, or pry,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Did seem to change its posture strange,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or work a passage by.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The Lord was there, as everywhere—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His ways who can descry?</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_20'>20</span>He turned to use the rag that missed</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The cook’s incautious eye.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The race was short, as it must be</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>When lungs get no supply</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of ever needful oxygen,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The blood to purify.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>It matters not how large or small</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The man, or beast, or fly,</div>
-      <div class='line'>A little air must be their share,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or else to life “good bye.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Slow grew his pace, and black his face,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And blood-shot rolled his eye;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And from his nerveless fingers fell</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The fragments of the pie.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The broken crust rolled in the dust,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>While scattered currants fly;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But ah, the fatal part had gone</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Upon its mission high.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then down he dropped, a strangled man,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Without a witness nigh—</div>
-      <div class='line'>And Death, the grim old boatman, ran</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His noiseless shallop by.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_21'>21</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>NEW YEAR’S CALLERS.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Heigh ho, the New Year is again upon
-us with its open houses, its “hope you’re
-wells,” and its “bye bye’s.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Let what will grow dull or rusty, the sweeping
-scythe of old Time is ever sharp and busy.
-How tempered must be that blade which nothing
-can dull or turn aside.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Now as I sit by my window and look pensively
-out upon the streets I see them crowded
-with callers, all anxious to increase the number
-of their acquaintances. They ring, scrape, and
-wait. The door opens and they disappear from
-my view, but fancy pictures them out as they
-doubtless appear inside, embarrassed because
-of a painful dearth of words. The weather,
-fortunately, is a standing theme of conversation.
-It will always bear comment, and but for this
-how many callers—who perhaps can hardly
-come under the head of acquaintances—would
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_22'>22</span>wish themselves well out upon the street again,
-even before sampling the customary wine and
-cake.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>But Fashion is King, and when he nods, his
-satellites and minions must obey or perish.
-But I, who come not under the awe of his scepter,
-have few calls to make. With a leaking
-roof and no bolt to my door I can keep “open
-house” without going to the expense of procuring
-cake or wine, and for this left-handed
-blessing may the Lord make me truly thankful.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_23'>23</span>
-<img src='images/p023.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>STARTING OUT.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>I have been sitting by my window most of the
-day, watching gentlemen—who were not so fortunate
-as myself. And I notice with considerable
-pain—for as reader and writer cannot
-understand each other too soon, I may as
-well inform you at once that I am a philanthropist—that
-some of these callers present
-an aspect in the evening quite different from
-their festive morning appearance. Here, for
-instance, is a sketch of an exquisite as he
-appears when starting to make his numerous
-calls. Mark what grace is in every movement
-as he struts the pavement with military
-precision, adjusting his lavender-colored kids
-as he goes. There is something in the airy
-set of his stylish new stove-pipe, in the very
-easy elegance of manner with which he holds
-the crystal orb over his left optic, that
-bespeaks the born gentleman. Not to a rise
-in stocks, he would tell you, or a lucky lottery
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_24'>24</span>ticket, does he owe his carriage, but to a
-line of ancestors which he can trace back,
-perhaps, to the very loins of William the
-Conqueror.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p024.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>A LITTLE MIXED.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>Look now upon <em>this</em> picture. The unpracticed
-eye could hardly recognize the gentleman,
-and yet this is the same sociable but
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_25'>25</span>absent-minded individual, as he appeared in the
-evening frogging up the steps of the dwelling
-opposite, to make his third call upon the same
-family. He is evidently “turned around,” poor
-fellow. Ah, this mixing of coffee, tea, and wine,
-not to mention stronger potations, will play the
-mischief with a man, and no mistake about it.
-The young ladies, with mouths ajar and dilated
-eyes, look out upon him through partially
-closed blinds. But he recks not of it as he
-leans backward, pulling and jerking at the bell
-knob as though he was drawing on a tight boot.
-The bell-hanger will doubtless have a job in
-that house to-morrow. The question naturally
-arises, will they chalk the gentleman down as a
-caller each time he favors them with his presence?
-Now that I think of it, they might do so
-with an easy conscience, for he is certainly not
-the man he was when he first offered the compliments
-of the day.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p025.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div><span class='pageno' id='Page_26'>26</span></div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p026.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div>
-  <h2 class='c004'>SCENES ON THE SIDEWALK.</h2>
-</div>
-
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='large'>I</span> sit at my window to view the odd sights,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And whatever to study or action invites</div>
-      <div class='line'>Upon the white paper before me I spread,</div>
-      <div class='line'>By aid of my constant companion, the Lead.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>A lady of Fashion sails by like a queen,</div>
-      <div class='line'>With ruffles and lace, and her <i><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">satin de chine</span></i>;</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_27'>27</span>Her shimmering train as it now sweeps the street,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Is sadly ensnaring a gentleman’s feet.</div>
-      <div class='line'>It is painfully plain an apology’s due;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But which should apologize first of the two?</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p027.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE EX-VETERAN OF WATERLOO.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And next, an old man full of years shuffles by,</div>
-      <div class='line'>His nose to the dust, and his back to the sky;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The few snowy hairs that still cling to his head</div>
-      <div class='line'>Far down o’er his collar untidily spread.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And who now would think that the feeble, dry hand</div>
-      <div class='line'>That hardly can free the rude cane from the sand,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Once swung a long saber, that cut its way through</div>
-      <div class='line'>The cuirassiers’ helmets at famed Waterloo?</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_28'>28</span>Old Time warps the figure firm-knitted and square,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He sharpens the feature, he blanches the hair,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And bows the proud head, be it ever so high;</div>
-      <div class='line'>This much hath he done for the man passing by.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p028.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>A MINER WHO WILL SOON BE MINUS.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Away, to the fields of the diamond and ruby,</div>
-      <div class='line'>The miner sets out, like a consummate booby;</div>
-      <div class='line'>What loads the poor fellow proposes to pack:</div>
-      <div class='line'>His rifle, his shovel, his grub, and his sack;</div>
-      <div class='line'>His rifle to guard against numerous ills,</div>
-      <div class='line'>His shovel to shovel his way to the hills,</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_29'>29</span>The long leather sack he bears in his hand,</div>
-      <div class='line'>To hold the bright gems he may pick from the sand;</div>
-      <div class='line'>In fancy I see him ascend the steep hill,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or traverse the plain with his sack empty still;</div>
-      <div class='line'>While down on his head ever scorching-hot rays</div>
-      <div class='line'>Descend from th’ unclouded sun like a blaze,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Too far from his friends, and too nigh to his foes,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who welcome the stranger with arrows and bows,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And rifles, and war-clubs, and hatchets of stone,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And weapons for scalping, and lances of bone.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Trudge on to your treasure (?), poor dupe of the knave</div>
-      <div class='line'>And prey of the savage—pass on to your grave.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Now stepping as one, see the new-married pair</div>
-      <div class='line'>Emerge from the church. What a contrast is there!</div>
-      <div class='line'>Come haste to the window and gaze out with me—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Ere they enter their carriage the pair you may see.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Oh, May and December! extremes of the year,</div>
-      <div class='line'>When linked thus together, how odd they appear;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The bride in her teens, with a mind as unstable</div>
-      <div class='line'>As ladders of fame, or a medium’s table;</div>
-      <div class='line'>With a riotous pulse, and her blood all aglow</div>
-      <div class='line'>With the fervor of passion, of pleasure, and show.</div>
-      <div class='line'>The bridegroom is pussy, rheumatic and old,</div>
-      <div class='line'>His teeth are in rubber, his blood thin and cold;</div>
-      <div class='line'>His nose tells a tale of inordinate drams,</div>
-      <div class='line'>The gout has laid hold of his corn-laden yams;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The hairs on his cranium scattering stand,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Like ill-nourished blades on a desert of sand.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I muse as I gaze on their arms softly twined;</div>
-      <div class='line'>How soon some young maidens can alter their mind!</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_30'>30</span>’Tis scarcely three weeks since I heard her declare,</div>
-      <div class='line'>When speaking of him who now walks by her there,</div>
-      <div class='line'>In marriage she never would give him her hand</div>
-      <div class='line'>Though rolling in gems, like a horse in the sand.</div>
-      <div class='line'>But she clings to him now, as a green, sappy vine</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p030.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>MAY AND DECEMBER.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Embraces the trunk of a time-honored pine;</div>
-      <div class='line'>While her looks and her manner would seem to imply</div>
-      <div class='line'>That she never before on a man cast an eye;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But I, delving back through the layers of Time,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Exhume the pale ghost of a youth in his prime,</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_31'>31</span>Whose feelings were tortured, whose reason was muddied,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Whose pistol was emptied, whose temple was ruddied;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Because of coquetry so heartless and strange,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Her passion for diamonds, her longing for change.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Pass on, happy bride, with your beaming young face;</div>
-      <div class='line'>May happiness still with your moments keep pace,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And never mistrust pierce the groom at your side</div>
-      <div class='line'>That wealth, and not virtues, have won him his bride.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>SAM PATTERSON’S BALLOON.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Last night while a party of us were sitting
-around the table in the cabin of the <em>New
-World</em>, talking about the “Avitor” and aerial
-sailing generally, our conversation was interrupted
-by a dark, raw-boned Hoosier who had
-entered the cabin shortly after the steamer left
-her wharf. He kept squirming on his chair for
-some time, and was evidently anxious to take
-part in the conversation. “I say, boys, I’m Sam
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_32'>32</span>Patterson,” he commenced at last, “and if this
-yer dish is free and no one han’t no objections,
-I’d like mi’ty well to dip <em>my</em> spoon in.”</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p032.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>SAM PATTERSON.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>All turned to look at the speaker. Even the
-fat old gentleman who during our conversation
-had not taken his eyes from the <cite>Christian
-Guardian</cite> he was reading, stretched up and
-peered over the top of the paper at Sam. Before
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_33'>33</span>any one could reply the Hoosier gave his chair
-a hitch nigher the table and went on:</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I say, boss,” he continued, addressing his
-conversation to me, perhaps because I had just
-been expressing my opinion, “I don’t go a
-picayune on navigatin’ the air. They ain’t no
-need of talkin’ and gassin’ about crossin’ the
-’tlantic or any of them foolish ventur’s. I happen
-to know somethin’ about balloonin’, and understand
-pooty near what you <em>can</em> do and what you
-<em>can’t</em> do with one of them fellers. I’d a plag’y
-sight ruther undertake to cross the ocean in a
-dug-out, than ventur’ in one of them tricky cobwebs;
-you can’t depend on ’em. Thar like
-a flea—when a man thinks he’s got ’em he
-hain’t.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Perhaps you are misled by prejudice?” I
-ventured to remark.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“No, I ain’t nuther,” answered the Hoosier,
-“I speak from experience. I’ve bin thar.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Oh! you have given the aeronautic science
-some attention then?” I said. “An inventor,
-I presume?”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Wal, no. I don’t exactly claim to be an
-inventor,” he replied; “I reckon I foller’d on
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_34'>34</span>the old plan, exceptin’ in the material used in
-constructin’.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Did you ever make an ascension?” I asked.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Wal, yes, I’ve bin up <em>some</em>,” he answered
-dryly.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Have you ever been very high?” inquired
-the fat old gentleman, who seemed to grow
-interested.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Perhaps not so high as eagles or turkey-buzzards
-fly, but a mi’ty sight higher than barn-yard
-fowls ventur’,” answered the Hoosier.
-“You see,” he continued, “I was stayin’ down
-to Orleans once for about a week, and thar was
-a professor had a balloon in the park hitched to
-a stake, and he was histin’ people up the length
-of the rope for two bits a head. I stepped into
-the cradle that was a hangin’ to it, and went up
-the length of the rope, and liked it pooty well.
-I went up three or four times and made considerable
-inquiries about the manner of constructin’
-and inflatin’, as I was cal’latin to rig up one when
-I got hum to Tuckersville.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“When I got back I telled Sal what I was
-bent on doin’. She tried pooty hard to git the
-notion out of my head, but t’was stuck thar, like
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_35'>35</span>a bur to a cow’s tail. I telled her it mout be the
-makin’ of us, so arter a while she gin in, and as
-silk was too alfired expensive Sal gin me a lot
-of bed sheets and helped me sew ’em together
-down in the cellar. We put it together down
-thar ’cause I didn’t want any of the neighbors to
-know what was up, until I could astonish ’em
-some fine mornin’ by risin’ above the hull
-caboodle, and for wunst lookin’ down on some
-on ’em that was snuffin’ around and tryin’ to
-look down on me mi’ty bad.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I used a rousin’ great corn basket for the
-cradle, and arter she was all ready for inflatin’
-I had my life insured, ’cause I didn’t want Sal
-to suffer by any of my ventur’s. Then I went
-to Sol Spence, the lawyer, and had him draw
-up the writin’s of a will, and while he was doin’
-it he worked the balloon secret out of me, and
-wanted me to take him along. I telled him
-’twas pooty risky business, and that he’d hev to
-run some chances, as I was cal’latin’ on seein’
-what clouds war made of before I came down.
-He said them war his sentiments exactly; that he
-allers had a great hankerin’ to git up thar and
-see what sort of a spongy thing they war, anyhow.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_36'>36</span>“I didn’t object much; I reckoned the sheets
-war good for it, though he went over two hundred,
-but I cal’lated he’d do instead of ballast,
-and be company besides. So I took some bed
-cord and slung another corn basket below the
-one I was gwine in, and after dark we hauled
-the great floppy thing out into the back yard,
-and arter we got it histed up on stakes we
-commenced buildin’ fires under her to git the
-gas up and gittin’ things ready ginnerally.
-About sun-up we had her all ready to step into.
-Spence had his sketch book along, cal’latin’ on
-taking some bird’s-eye views, and I had a bottle
-of tea, cal’latin’ to empty it gwine up, and fill
-it with rain water while up thar. The thing
-was a-wallopin’ and rollin’ around the yard
-mi’ty impatient to git off. I hitched her first to
-the grindstone frame, but she was snakin’ that
-around the yard, and the dogs commenced
-sech an all-fired yelpin’ and scuddin’ round
-and watchin’ of it through the fence, that we
-were obliged to put ’em in the cellar, ’cause we
-didn’t want the hull neighborhood attractid by
-ther barkin’. Then we fastened the balloon to
-the shed post, and left Sal to watch her while
-we war eatin’ a snack of breakfast. Pooty
-soon arter we heard Sal a-shoutin’ that she
-was a-gwine off with the wood-shed. So we
-ran out mi’ty lively, and had no time to spare,
-nuther. I jumped up and caught one rope,
-and Spence got hold of another. We couldn’t
-fetch it down till Sal caught hold of my leg,
-and between us three we pulled it back agin.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_37'>37</span>
-<img src='images/p037.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_38'>38</span>“She gin a sort of puff and come down
-pooty sudden when near the ground, and one
-of the posts of the shed came fair onto the
-back of a leetle pet hog that was rootin’ round
-the yard, and knuckled his back down into the
-chips, leavin’ his head and hinder parts stickin’
-up. He commenced sich an uproarious
-squealin’ you could hear him more’n two
-miles. While Spence and I were fussin’ at the
-ropes to unloose her from the shed, she took
-another sudden start up agin and shot away
-from us quicker than scat. Sal happened to
-have hold of a rope at the time, and up she
-went into the air, scootin’ like a rocket. Sal
-was a plucky critter. Shoot me, if she wasn’t
-as full of grit as a sandstone. She could have
-let go that rope, but she wouldn’t; she wanted
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_39'>39</span>to fetch the consarn down agin, and was bound
-to cling to her until she did. Blow me, if I
-didn’t think for a while I was goin’ to lose the
-old woman. Thar she was a-hangin’ on to the
-end of the rope, hollerin’ like a hull regiment
-chargin’ a battery, and trailin’ and swingin’
-about without any notion of lettin’ go.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p039.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>ATTEMPTED ABDUCTION OF SAM’S WIFE.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_40'>40</span>“We had a lively time of it gettin’ her down
-agin too, now I can tell you. I jumped over a
-fence into the garden, and snatchin’ up a rake
-commenced to scrape at her, and finally the
-teeth caught in her dress, and then I had a
-pooty good hold so long as Sal was good for it.
-Spence got hold of another rope that was danglin’
-around, so between us we got her down the
-second time. Then I sung out to Spence,
-‘Spence,’ ses I, ‘climb into yer basket and let’s
-be off, or the hull town will be here and stop us
-gwine.’ So we clim’ into our baskets and flung
-out Sal’s flatirons, that we had for ballast, and
-up we shot like a spark up a chimney. I hollered
-back to Sal to put the hog out of pain
-and stop the squeakin’, and the last I seed of
-her as we went round the gable, she was a
-whackin’ him over the head with the back of an
-ax, and he was a hollerin’ wuss and wuss.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The wind took the balloon over a swamp
-back of the village, where no person seemed to
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_41'>41</span>see us, and then the world began to drop away
-pooty nicely. ’Twant long till I heered Spence
-callin’ out, mi’ty skeered like:—</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p041.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>“LET ME GIT OUT!”</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_42'>42</span>“‘I guess, Sam, you mout as well land her
-and let me git out.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Are you afeered, Spence?’ ses I, jest that
-way.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘No,’ he answered. ‘I arn’t afeered, but I
-reckon my fam’ly would be mi’ty uneasy about
-this time if they knowed whar I was, and I begin
-to feel pooty sowlicitous about ’em.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘This yer thing is somethin’ like law,’ I ses,
-‘when yer’ into her you’ve got to keep goin’ till
-somethin’ gins out. She hasn’t got a rope a
-holdin’ of her down now, Spence, and as for
-yer’ fam’ly, I reckon the’re a mi’ty sight safer
-than you be, so if you have any spare sowlicitude,
-you had better be a tuckin’ it onto yourself.
-‘Sides,’ I contin’ed, ‘I hain’t studied into
-the lettin’ down part of it half so much as into
-the rizin’.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Jerusalem!’ he shouted. ‘I thought you
-war famil’ar with the hull thing or I’d have as
-soon thought of gwine up in a whirlwind.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘I fancy I do know considerable about it,’
-I ses.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Then why can’t you stop her right here?’
-he hollered, lookin’ up, pooty pale.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_43'>43</span>“‘I cal’late we’ve got to keep ascendin’ while
-the gas holds out,’ I answered.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Thunder and lightnin’!’ he hollered, jest
-that way, ‘and what are you agwine to do arter
-the gas gins out?’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘I reckon,’ ses I, ‘we’ll come down agin.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘A flukin’?’ he asked.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Perhaps so,’ ses I. ‘I cal’late we’ll come
-down faster than we’re gwine up, but I’m hopin’
-to catch an undercurrent of a’r that will sweep
-us along, and let us down sort of gently.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Just as we war talkin’ somethin’ gin a
-whoppin’ crack overhead, and she began to
-drop down by the run pooty lively.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘What’s that?’ shouted Spence. ‘I think
-I hear a sort of tearin’ noise up thar; ain’t
-somethin’ ginnin’ out?’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘I reckon the old woman’s sheets have commenced
-to gin out,’ I said, kind of careless like,
-though beginnin’ to feel mi’ty narvous all to
-wunst. On lookin’ down, I seed Spence was a
-cranin’ out of the basket and lookin’ down, jest
-as pale as could be.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Sufferin’ pilgrims!’ he shouted. ‘Can’t
-you throw out somethin’, Sam, and lighten her
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_44'>44</span>a leetle? She’s droppin’ straight down, like an
-aerolite.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘I hain’t got anythin’ to throw out exceptin’
-the tea bottle, and that ar’ is e’enmost empty,’
-I ses. ‘I cal’late we’ve got to take our chances;
-if you hain’t forgot yer childhood prayers, you
-mout as well be a runnin’ of ’em over, for
-things are beginnin’ to look mi’ty skeery jest
-now, I can tell ye.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Pooty soon I heer’d him a mumblin’ to himself,
-and I allers allowed he was prayin.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“We war now about steeple high, and as I
-had expected, the wind caught us and began to
-sweep us around pooty loose. As we went
-wallopin’ over St. Patrick’s church, Spence’s
-basket struck the spire and was a spillin’ of
-him out like a lobster out of a market basket.
-I peered over and seed he was e’enmost gone,
-so I hollered, ‘Go for the spire, Spence, it’s
-your only chance.’ He seemed to be of the
-same mind, for as I spoke he was a grabbin’ for
-it and managed to git hold of one end of the
-weather-vane. I reckon if he had got hold on
-both ends he’d ha’ bin all right; but things
-war gettin’ desperate and he had to take what
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_45'>45</span>come. The balloon riz some when he fell out,
-and as it was a movin’ off I looked back to see
-how he was a makin’ it. He was a hangin’ thar
-like a gymnast, a kickin’ and a wormin’ and the
-steeple a rockin’. But he was too awful heavy;
-he couldn’t draw himself up nohow. Pooty
-soon the tail of the fish gin out, and down he
-slid along the steeple like a shot coon down a
-’simmon tree.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Fortunately he struck the roof and over it
-he rolled, clawin’ and a scratchin’ the shingles
-as he went. But it was ‘all go and no whoa,’
-as the boy said when he was a slidin’ the
-greased banister. Old Father McGillop was
-just comin’ out of the vestry door after matins
-as Spence come a scootin’ over the eaves and
-down kerflumix right on top of him. This, ye
-see, sort of broke the fall for Spence, but it
-spread the distress. He was so heavy and
-come with such force he disjinted the neck of
-his Riverence, and shoved it so far down into
-the body that his ears were restin’ on the shoulders.
-They had to git a shovel to dig him out
-of the ground, and Doc Willoughby was a
-fussin’ over him more than five hours, a yankin’
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_46'>46</span>his neck out of his body, and pressin’ his ears
-into shape, and”——</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Stop now,” said the fat old chap, who was
-worked up to the top notch of attention, “do
-you mean to say he lived after his neck was dislocated?”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Wal, I reckon, boss,” said the narrator,
-as he took a fresh quid of tobacco, “I hain’t
-made no sech unreasonable assertion. I was
-sayin’ they hauled his neck back, and put his
-ears in place agin (or ruther one of ’em, for the
-butcher’s dog eat t’other one before the old
-sexton could git to it), so that he mout make
-somethin’ like a decent appearance in the coffin.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Soon as Spence went over the eave I lost
-sight of him, for I was drivin’ pooty briskly
-over Kent’s corn patch, and as I came sweepin’
-down by the widder O’Donnell’s she was in the
-yard gittin’ an apron full of chips. I reckon
-she heer’d a burrin’ sound overhead, ’cause she
-looked up, and when she seed the balloon she
-gin a squall and cried out somethin’ about protection.
-I reckoned she was callin’ on the
-saints, but had no time just then to listen.
-Before she had gone many steps she dropped,
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_47'>47</span>and I allowed she had gone down in a faintin’
-fit.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I was a drivin’ and a driftin’ over the village
-like a thistle-down, for more than two hours,
-and the dogs war a barkin’ and the men and
-wimmin a hollerin’ and a runnin’ arter it wherever
-it drifted. The barn-yard fowls war a cacklin’
-and a screamin’. Jewillikens! didn’t I make a
-rumption among them though! You’d think
-thar war forty thousand hawks and turkey-buzzards
-a hoverin’ over the village, by the way
-they scattered, aginst the winders, ahind stun
-walls, into the wells, under lumber piles and
-currint bushes; such a scrougin’ and squattin’
-and scootin’ I never did see. Parson Jones had
-thirteen lights of glass smashed by fowls batterin’
-aginst the winders tryin’ to git in, and
-Dud Davis, the blacksmith, fished seven dead
-hens, two turkeys, a guinea fowl, and two small
-pigs out of his well next day, whar they sought
-refuge and war drown’d. Dad Kent gin me six
-traces of good seed corn next fall. He said
-barrin’ the killin’ of Priest McGillop, it was the
-best thing that ever happened in Tuckersville.
-He said I did more for his crop than if he had
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_48'>48</span>a scarecrow standin’ astride every hill. Thar
-wasn’t a crow flew within two miles of the village
-for mor’n a fortnight, and by that time the corn
-was grown so they couldn’t pull it up.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Pooty soon the balloon come down about
-house high and druv over toward the dee-pot.
-I was a hopin’ she’d catch on the telegraph wire,
-but she skimm’d over, like a swallow over a
-fence, and immediately riz up tree high agin,
-where scrape, slap, slash, she went into an ole
-pine that stood out alone in the field. I was
-scratched pooty bad, but hung on to the limbs,
-and arter a while slid down the tree leavin’ the
-balloon hangin’ in the tree-top. Great turnips!
-if all Tuckersville wasn’t down thar in five minutes.
-Thar war young ‘uns runnin’ around half-dressed,
-with corn-dodgers in their hands, and
-wimmin with babies in their arms. It was like
-a dog fight, only, as the feller said when describin’
-the nigger by the mulatter, it was more so.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_49'>49</span>
-<img src='images/p049.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>“GO IN, CRIPPLE.”</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The train was delayed half an hour that
-mornin’, ’cause the engineer, conductor and all
-hands jumped off the cars and ran down to the
-balloon. Peg-leg Dibbly, the Mexican war
-veteran, was thar, hobblin’ around among the
-rest. He was in such a hurry to git down to
-the tree he wouldn’t go around by the road,
-but started in to take a short cut across the
-marsh with the crowd. And he had a sweet,
-sweatin’ time of it too, now I can assure you.
-First his cane would stick, and just about the
-time he would git that out, down would slide his
-iron-shod leg fully a foot into the mud, and stake
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_50'>50</span>him thar like a scarecrow. Then he would look
-down to where the people were standin’, and
-jerk and swear until the want of breath only
-would make him let up. He got down thar
-after a while though, but he had to crawl considerable
-before he could do it; and arter he got
-thar he was bobbin’ here and bobbin’ thar, tryin’
-to git a better look up into the tree, until at last
-he stumbled and fell across one of Dud Davis’
-young ‘uns, and gin her left leg a compound
-fractur’. She set up a screamin’, and he was so
-weak and frightened he couldn’t git up agin no
-how, but lay thar gruntin’, and sprawlin’, and
-kickin’ his one leg around. The blacksmith was
-thar himself, and when he seed his young ’un
-down in the mud with her leg broke, you never
-seed a man so mad in all your born days. He
-jest ran and grabbed the old pensioner by the
-coat collar, and slung him mor’n fifteen feet,
-landin’ him slidin’ on his back in the mud, like a
-crawfish.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_51'>51</span>
-<img src='images/p051.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>A RIGHT ANGLED TRY-ANKLE.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“About the same time Tubbs, the cooper, was
-a lookin’ up, and he seed a bough springin’ up,
-and he allowed the balloon was comin’ down;
-so he started to run, and stepped on the foot of
-Kent’s snappin’ bull-dog, that was a settin’ thar
-lookin’ up the tree, thinkin’ thar must be a coon
-up it. The cur whirled round mad, and set his
-teeth into the nighest thing to him, which happened
-to be old Polly Alien’s ankle. But he got
-more than he bargained for, though, for she was
-so tuff that his teeth stuck thar, and she was a
-screamin’ and a runnin’ hum, draggin’ him arter
-her mor’n half the way. I never did see sich an
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_52'>52</span>excitin’ time. School was dismissed, and there
-wasn’t a lick of work done in Tuckersville the
-hul day. The hul talk was ‘Sam Patterson’s
-balloon, Sam Patterson’s balloon.’ I didn’t have
-to pay a picayune for anything for mor’n three
-weeks. Parson Jones preached a tellin’ sermon
-about the balloon, and thar wasn’t standin’ room
-in the church; they had to keep the windows
-open and let people standin’ on the outside stick
-their heads in and listen. He likened it first to
-youth, when it was a rollin’ around in the back
-yard, whar nobody seed it, impatient and ambitious
-to rise. Then like unto manhood, when it
-was up, a bustin’ and droppin’ down agin. Next
-he said it resembled old age, when it was in rags
-a floppin’ around in the tree, more for observation
-than use. Thar wasn’t hardly a dry eye in
-the hul meetin’ house. Hard-hearted old sinners
-cried like teethin’ babies.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The balloon hung in the tree all summer,
-and every day thar’d be a crowd of people
-starin’ at it, like cats at a bird cage. A photographer
-came the hul way from town, and
-took lots of views of the remains; and one of
-Frank Leslie’s special artists come rattlin’ down
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_53'>53</span>thar, and sot on a stun wall for two days drawin’
-sketches of it. He said it was the most
-spirited subject he had sot eyes on since he
-sketched the hoop-skirt Jeff Davis was captured
-in. But I’m gettin’ ruther dry. Ain’t
-some of you fellers agwine to call on the stimilints?”</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>MY CANINE.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.”</div>
-      <div class='line in42'><em>Shakespeare.</em></div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='large'>S</span>ome fond poets sing of their lady-love’s eyes,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or lovers who sail the seas over;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But poet-like I shall gaze up at the skies,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And muse of my little dog Rover.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The canine I sing, to disease is a prey;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The mange, the distemper, and flea,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Have all had their turn, and have worn him away;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His shadow you scarcely can see.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_54'>54</span>From earliest light, until late in the night,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He’s dodging hot water and sticks;</div>
-      <div class='line'>I’m shamed to confess it, but truth I must write,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He’s a foot-ball that every one kicks.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I hear his thin cry, and his frightened “ki-yi,”</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Almost any hour of the day;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And Bridget’s “Bad ’cess to the likes of your Skye,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Sure he’s here, and he’s there like a flay.”</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p054.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Upon his poor body the hair has all died,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>’Tis smooth and as bare as your hand;</div>
-      <div class='line'>I vow I believe there’s no life in his hide,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>It looks just as if it were tanned.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>His blood is so thin that he never is warm,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And keenly he feels the cold weather;</div>
-      <div class='line'>He shivering stands with tail end to the storm,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And his four feet all huddled together.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_55'>55</span>He suffers sad woe, as his body doth show,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His face bears a hopeless expression;</div>
-      <div class='line'>He seems to be wondering why he’s a foe,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Who never commits a transgression.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He’s only a dog in the dark to be sure,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But I who am mourning his plight,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Know accident often exalts the low boor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And crowds merit down out of sight.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>How oft do we see the chief dunce of the town,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With head like a turnip or melon,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Advanced to the Bench, or clergyman’s gown,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Though thought to be born for a felon.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Dost laugh at my song? Well I care not a pin,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>My notion I never shall lose;</div>
-      <div class='line'>I know that my dog hath a spirit within,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That cannot be crushed by abuse.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p055.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_56'>56</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>JIM DUDLEY’S FLIGHT.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>That blabbing Hoosier, Bob Browser, has
-found me out, and paid me a call, boring
-me with his confounded stories. Even as a
-hungry parrot when crackers are in view, or
-as a miller’s hopper when water is high and the
-farmer’s meal bags low, he rattles right along
-with copious discourse.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“What’s that you say! Did you know Jim
-Dudley? What! him as the boys in Gosport
-used to call Carrot Top Jim? Wal, I’ll be rattled
-if that ain’t queer. Wasn’t he the allfiredest
-shirk you ever did see? Perhaps you
-remember how sudden he left Gosport jest before
-the war? Oh, that’s so, sure enough, you
-went north sometime afore that.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_57'>57</span>
-<img src='images/p057.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>BOB BROWSER.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Wal, that chap was etarnally gettin’ in some
-scrape or another; I do jest think I’ve helped
-that Jim out of more close corners than there
-are buildin’s in this yer town. Yer see him and
-me was great chums, and roomed at the same
-house on York Street. Jim was a courtin’ a
-butcher’s darter that lived out near the cem’t’ry
-for ‘bout a year afore he left, leastwise he was
-a totin’ of her around considerable, takin’ her
-to picnics, circuses, hoss races, and the like. I
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_58'>58</span>kind of had my doubts about him gettin’ married,
-’cause he was a pooty sot ole batch’, and
-sometimes I’d ask him when the nuptils were
-a comin’ off; but he’d allers shuffle out of it by
-sayin’ when they did come I’d git an invite, and
-kind of larf it off jest that way.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“One night pooty soon arter I had got into bed
-I heered some one thumpin’ at my door, and afore
-I had time to say anythin’ Jim Dudley was plum
-across the room and standin’ by the bedside.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Bob,’ ses he, jest that way, ‘we’ve got to
-part agin’ and I’ve come to gin your paw a
-shake afore I leave.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘What’s up now, Jim?’ ses I, pooty surprised
-and settin’ up amazin’ fast in bed to strike
-a light, ’cause I allers liked Jim. Drat my pictur,
-if I didn’t. He stuck to me like a hoss-leech
-when I was down with the yaller fever. I
-was peeled down so mi’ty thin that I didn’t make
-a shadder only arter I’d been eatin’ corn-dodgers
-or somethin’ that wasn’t transparent. Soon
-as I got a light I seed his face was tombstun
-white exceptin’ some long red scratches onto it,
-that made me think thar had been cats a-clawin’
-of him.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_59'>59</span>“‘I haint time to gin perticulars now, but
-water’s gettin’ too plaguey shaller for me in
-Gosport,’ ses he, jest that way. ‘And I’m gwine
-to pull out for deeper soundin’s. I want to
-head off the night express, and as I’ve got only
-fifteen minutes to do it in, must be a movin’,’
-and givin’ my hand a rattlin’ shake he turned,
-and before I could say ‘scat,’ he was goin’ down
-the stairs like a bucket fallin’ down a well, and I
-thought he hadn’t more than got to the middle of
-the flight when I heer’d the door slam behind him.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I lay awake thar for hours thinkin’ and wonderin’
-what on airth could have turned up to
-make Jim dust out of town so all-fired sudden,
-bein’ as how he was doin’ pooty well pecun’ar’ly—that
-is, for <em>him</em>.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I kind of mistrusted somethin’ had gone
-wrong with him out to old Hurley’s—the butcher’s.
-So the next day, bein’ kind of curious, I
-took a stroll out that way, to look around a
-leetle and see what was goin’ on. I seed a
-glaz’er a fussin’ round a winder, and old Hurley
-sittin’ on the steps lookin’ mi’ty solemn at a hat—which
-I knowed was Jim’s—that was a-hangin’
-on a bush in the garden.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_60'>60</span>“Some months arter this the war was a bilin’
-and I jined a company and went down to Cairo
-to go into camp. By jingo! would you believe
-it? almost the first man I ran ag’in’ was Jim
-Dudley! He’d enlisted in a hoss regiment up
-to St. Louis, and come down to camp a few
-days afore me. We were both mi’ty tickled to
-meet one another right thar, so we p’inted for a
-place where we could have a straight-out chat,
-and while we were sittin’ thar, talkin’ about old
-times, ses I to him:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Jim, now we’re a gwine down into this
-blamed muss, and the chances are pooty good
-for us to git chawed up down thar, and nothin’
-more to be heer’d about us—now s’posin’ you
-tell a feller what made you pull up stakes and
-dust from Gosport so amazin’ fast, last Fall.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Wal, Bob,’ ses he, ‘seein’ we’ve met agin,
-I don’t mind if I do ‘lighten you a leetle in regard
-to my leavin’ so sudden. You remember
-I’d bin over to Franklin some time afore I left,
-and jest got back to Gosport that day, and in
-the evenin’ I started out to see Mag. I was a
-hopin’ the old man wouldn’t be to hum—he ginerally
-was away Saturday nights.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_61'>61</span>
-<img src='images/p061.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>OLD HURLEY WELCOMES JIM.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘’Twas dark afore I got there, leastwise the
-bats were a flitterin’ aroun’ the gables and
-apple trees, a-lookin’ for thar suppers. I gin the
-bell-knob a jerk anyhow, and pooty soon old
-Hurley hisself came to the door, with a candle
-in his hand. He was in his shirt-sleeves, and
-I reckon he had jest come hum from work. He
-kind of gin a start, as though he was surprised
-to see me; and I gin a start, too, and jumped
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_62'>62</span>back from the door pooty quick, for I thought I
-heer’d him grit his teeth a leetle—somethin’ like
-a sheep arter she’s bin eatin’ beans—but I
-wasn’t sartain.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Come in, M-i-s-t-e-r Dudley,’ ses he, kind
-of low and coaxin’ like. ‘I hope you’ve bin
-enjoyin’ good health. I hope you’ve come prepared
-to stop with us awhile.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Thankin’ him for his kind wishes, I follered
-him along, wonderin’ what in time made him so
-amazin’ solicitous for my health all to wunst,
-’cause I knowed the old man hated me worse
-than a rat does pizen.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He didn’t stop in the parlor where some
-folks were sittin’, but kept on into a small room,
-beck’nin’ me to foller, which I did, though I was
-beginnin’ to feel pooty suspicious about the old
-feller’s movements.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Stay here a minute, Mr. Dudley,’ ses he,
-arter I had sot down. ‘Make yourself comfortable
-until I come back agin,’ he continued,
-jest that way, and then he stepped out.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I tell you, I begun to feel wonderful fidgity
-and kind of prickly down along the spine; and
-when I heer’d the old man comin’ back, and
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_63'>63</span>heer’d his feet slappin’ down heavier and faster
-than when he went out, then I knowed thar’
-was trouble ahead. I could feel a distressin’
-presentiment jest a-bubblin’ through my veins,
-and limberin’ up all my jints.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Pooty soon the old man came in, a-holdin’
-his left hand in front of him doubled up tight
-as though for boxin’, and keepin’ his right hand
-ahind him, kind of careless like, as though ’twas
-there by accident. I knowed ’twas no nat’ral
-position, and kept peerin’ round, for I ’spected
-he had a cow-hide, and was calculatin’ to gin
-me a sound tannin’; but when he went to shet
-the door ahind him, I got a glimpse of the
-alfiredest great butcher’s cleaver you ever yet
-sot eyes on, a-shinin’ jest as bright as could be.
-Jerusalem! if that bone-splitter didn’t make
-me begin to feel tarnation uneasy, then thar’s
-no use sayin’ it. My heart flopped up so far
-into my throat it actewelly seemed as though I
-could taste it.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘I’ve got very pressin’ business down town,
-and guess I’d better be a-movin,’ ses I, rizin’ up.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘S-i-t d-o-w-n,’ ses he, easy, that way, as
-though he wasn’t disturbed any, though I seed
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_64'>64</span>he was awful pale. ‘Don’t be in a hurry,’ he
-went on, keepin’ his back flat against the door
-the whole time. ‘You’ve been pokin’ around
-here ‘bout long enuff,’ said he, ‘and I think it
-time you ’tended to bisness.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘I’ve sent for Father Quinn,’ he contin’ed,
-‘cal’latin’ to hev you jined to the family rite off,
-afore you leave the house,’ and he gin the
-cleaver a sweepin’ flourish; but while he was
-a-doin’ it he sort of took his eyes away from me,
-and before he could say ‘scat,’ I jest shet my
-eyes tight, and made one detarmined lunge for
-the winder, head fust, like a sheep through a
-clump of briars, and went a-crashin’ plum out
-on all fours into the gardin, takin’ the hull
-lower sash along with me.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_65'>65</span>
-<img src='images/p065.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>OLD HURLEY ON THE WAR PATH.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The old man gin one rattlin’ shout like a
-wounded gorrillar, when he seed me go. I
-knowed he’d be arter me mi’ty quick, so I broke
-through the gardin for the toll-road, the blarsted
-ole sash a-hangin’ around my neck like a hog-yoke,
-catchin’ on everythin’ as I ran. I hadn’t
-more’n struck the road and begun to dust along
-it, when I heered the old man comin’, a-snortin’
-an’ a spatterin’, down the turnpike ahind me.
-I ‘lowed he’d overhaul me if I kept right on,
-’cause I hadn’t got the sash off yet, and the
-blamed thing was jest ginnin’ my neck jess;
-so flouncin’ aside pooty sudden, I flopped
-down ahind a sassafras bush, and I hadn’t
-more’n got thar nuther when old Hurley went
-a-rackin’ and a rearin’ past, the bloodthirsty
-great meat-ax a-gleamin’ in his hand. He
-reckoned I was still ahead, so he went a-flukin’
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_66'>66</span>down the road, clearin’ the toll-bar at one
-bounce, without so much as dustin’ it, and
-keepin’ right on for Gosport. Thunder! didn’t
-I tear off the ruins of that winder mity fast,
-though? Then I clim’ the fence, and took
-across lots through Hiram Nye’s corn patch,
-and down by Blake’s orchard, comin’ into town
-by the lower road. I think more’n likely old
-Hurley kept a-goin’ it plum to Gosport before
-he mistrusted that I dodged him; and I do jest
-think if he had got hold on me—a-bilin’ as he
-was—he wouldn’t have left a piece of me together
-large enough to bait a mink trap.
-Wasn’t that an all-fired close dodge, though?
-I reckon you’ll not see me in Gosport agin,
-leastways not while old Hurley’s a-livin’. I’ve
-no notion o’ gettin’ married in no such haste as
-that. Thar’s the bugle callin’ to muster—let’s
-hurry up and go.”</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p066.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div><span class='pageno' id='Page_67'>67</span></div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p067.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div>
-  <h2 class='c004'>TRIALS OF THE FARMER.</h2>
-</div>
-
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='large'>I</span> want to be a farmer</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And with the farmers stand—</div>
-      <div class='line'>A whetstone in my pocket,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A blister on my hand.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I sing to be a farmer,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Without the right of way</div>
-      <div class='line'>Across my neighbor’s lot to drive</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>My ox-cart or my sleigh.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I long to be a farmer</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And own a breachy mare,</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_68'>68</span>That oft will leap the bound’ry line,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And make my neighbors swear.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I pine to be a farmer</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And own a kicking steer,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That I may feel his horny heel</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Whenever I draw near.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I sigh to be a farmer</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And plant my field of corn,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That crows may flock and pull it up</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Before the streak of morn.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I shout to be a farmer:</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>How much I would adore</div>
-      <div class='line'>To drive a big and stubborn pig</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Some five miles or more.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p068.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_69'>69</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>A CUNNING DODGE.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>There was a certain citizen of this place, a
-butcher by occupation, who, deeming the
-remuneration he received small in comparison
-to the amount of service done, resolved to discontinue
-butchering cattle and become a butcher
-of men, or in other words to assume the responsibilities
-of a practicing physician and surgeon.
-It seems in his travels he had collected quite a
-number of receipts and prescriptions from old
-almanacs and doctors’ books.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>With this limited stock of medical knowledge,
-and an unusually large amount of “cheek,” he
-thought to work himself into a lucrative business.
-As an invoice of smallpox was expected
-by every steamer, he imagined he might pass
-among other professionals as though his scientific
-acquirements were excelled by none, and
-his vocabulary of Latin names surpassed “Doctor
-Hornbook’s.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_70'>70</span>Hiring an office in a central locality, he
-hoisted a board reaching nearly across the
-building, on which his name and calling were
-made known in large characters. Then sitting
-down amidst a “beggarly account of empty bottles,”
-he patiently awaited the result. Whether
-the city had suddenly become remarkably
-healthy through the sanitary exertions of the
-health commissioners, or he had not his proportionate
-share of the medical practice in
-requisition, he knew not, but certain it was, that
-from morn to noon, from noon to dewy eve he
-sat in his room—</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“As idle as a painted ship</div>
-      <div class='line'>Upon a painted ocean.”</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>One day, however, while straying along North
-Beach, musing on the strange vicissitudes in
-human affairs, and thinking how “weary, stale,
-flat and unprofitable” were all the uses of this
-world, a happy idea presented itself. In the
-vicinity of the County Hospital he had noticed
-the invalids coming out to sun themselves, like
-seals, along the Beach. What a glorious attraction
-to custom they would be, congregated
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_71'>71</span>around his door! Entering into conversation
-with some of them, he soon struck a bargain
-with thirty or more. They were to visit his
-office once a day, those who could walk there
-without much trouble or pain receiving fifty
-cents per day, while those who traveled under
-greater difficulties were to be paid accordingly.
-So, every morning, after breakfast, they took up
-their line of march in twos and threes along the
-street toward the charlatan’s place of business.
-They were indeed a motley crowd—that cripple
-brigade—as they hobbled through the thoroughfare.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p071.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>ADVANCE OF THE CRIPPLE BRIGADE.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_72'>72</span>There came the maimed, the halt, the withered,
-and the blind, shuffling into his office
-thicker than diseased Jews to the troubled pool
-of Bethesda. If any stranger chanced to drop
-in for medical treatment, the crowd of hired
-specimens began at once to converse among
-themselves of the wonderful skill of the physician.
-One remarked how his sight had improved
-under treatment, how he could see two
-objects now where he used to see but one.
-Another related in glowing terms the ravenous
-appetite the doctor’s bitters had awakened in
-his system; through all the hours of the day he
-was now as hungry as a whirlpool. A third
-would eulogize his method of treating contagious
-diseases in general.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>In this way the real patient, though receiving
-no actual benefit from the watery potions administered,
-was retained in hopes of an ultimate
-cure. At length the curiosity of the resident
-physician of the Hospital was aroused. He
-couldn’t imagine where his patients filed away
-to every morning, as regularly as liberated geese
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_73'>73</span>to some well-known pond. Following up the
-bandaged crew and investigating the matter, he
-soon learned the state of affairs, and forbade
-their leaving the Hospital yard without a permit.
-This sudden falling off in the would-be-doctor’s
-patients made a material change in the appearance
-of his office. In short, it leveled his business
-and his hopes, and again the quack sank
-into that obscurity from which he so energetically
-struggled to emerge.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>A TERRIBLE TAKE IN.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>To-day, while taking dinner in an eating-house
-in a Western town, I witnessed an
-amusing incident. It appears the proprietor
-had often been imposed upon by bummers who
-would walk boldly into the dining-room, and
-after stowing away a supply of victuals that
-would fill an ordinary carpet sack, would shuffle
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_74'>74</span>up to the counter, and in an undertone of voice
-inform the person there officiating that they
-were unfortunately “dead broke.” Of course
-the law doesn’t allow any ripping to be done on
-such occasions, other than swearing. Then the
-well-filled rascals would walk off picking their
-teeth with the utmost composure; except in
-extreme cases when the out-going party would
-be assisted over the threshold by an uprising
-boot. But even kicks would not bring the coin
-into the till, or bring back upon the table the
-vanished edibles, so this treatment was seldom
-resorted to. Finally, the proprietor bought a
-large syringe, and placing it in a drawer in the
-dining-room, bided his time.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>It happened while I was sitting at the table
-an individual, whose cheek the proprietor had
-reason to believe far exceeded his checks,
-entered the room and sat down directly in front
-of me. A plate of hot bean soup sat invitingly
-before him, from which the savory steam rose
-up in clouds, and not only filled the nostrils of
-the hungry man with delicious and enticing
-odors, but served to whet the hungry edge of
-appetite.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_75'>75</span>
-<img src='images/p075.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>“PAY IN ADVANCE, SIR.”</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>Lifting a large pewter spoon that lay beside
-the plate, he was about to introduce it to the
-hot decoction before him. Already the limber
-hinges of his jaw began to relax, preparatory to
-admitting the well-filled spoon. His attention
-was suddenly arrested by the proprietor, who,
-with one hand behind him and the other laid
-upon the spoon-arm of the would-be eater,
-demanded the price of the dinner before he
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_76'>76</span>went any further. The man, it seems, was not
-a member of that class of individuals which the
-hotel keeper thought him. He was justly indignant,
-therefore, at the demand, and sharply
-informed mine host that “he guessed after he
-had eaten his dinner would be time enough to
-pay for it.” But the oft-swindled proprietor
-thought differently. The man had scarcely got
-the words out of his mouth before “mine host”
-produced a syringe, large as the trunk of a
-small-sized elephant, and slapping the nozzle of
-it into the soup, ran it circling around the plate,
-and with one long, slobbering draught, like that
-of a horse drinking through his bits, the soup
-plate was left lying before the hungry man, as
-empty as his own stomach.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The astonished individual looked first at his
-plate, on which not even a bean was left, then
-at the dripping, steaming muzzle of the syringe,
-and lastly at the landlord, who stood with a
-look of triumph spreading over his face, silently
-waiting for the man to either come down with
-the coin or leave the table.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Though not liking that summary way of
-treating a person, the man was either too hungry
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_77'>77</span>or too limited in time to go further for a
-meal, so he fished out of his pocket the change
-and handed it to the proprietor. The latter
-thereupon discharged the contents of the
-syringe into the soup plate again, and walked
-away, leaving the customer to proceed with his
-dinner.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p077.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_78'>78</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>A FAMILY JAR.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='large'>O</span>ne night, while passing through the street,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A stranger paused to hear</div>
-      <div class='line'>The tumult from a cottage nigh,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That stunned the listening ear.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And as he stood without the door</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The sound of war arose,</div>
-      <div class='line'>As when Boroo the Irish king</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Engaged his stubborn foes.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So drawing nigh the window-sill</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He studied matters fair,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And lo, the husband and the wife</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Engaged in battle there:</div>
-      <div class='line'>The former with his doubled fists</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The battle sought to win;</div>
-      <div class='line'>While to his head the wife applied</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The heavy rolling-pin.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And as the stranger stood without</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He thus communed with care,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>For he was shrewd and thought it best</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To weigh the danger there,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>“This is some family affair:</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Some question I opine</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_79'>79</span>That I should not discuss with them,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Nor make the quarrel mine;</div>
-      <div class='line'>For I am newly risen up</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>From off the bed of pain,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And they perchance will turn on me,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And send me there again.”</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p079.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>STRANGER WHO WENT NOT IN.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So turning from the window-sill</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He journeyed on his way,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And went not in, but left the pair</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Engaged in doubtful fray;</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_80'>80</span>And when he was a great way off</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The stranger paused once more,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And lo! the noise of battle fell</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Still louder than before.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then he remarked, “This is indeed</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A battle fierce and great;</div>
-      <div class='line'>I now repent me that I went</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Not in, to remonstrate.”</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then taking to his road again,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He moved, repenting still,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And turned not back to enter in,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But slowly climbed the hill.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Not many minutes later on,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Behold, another man</div>
-      <div class='line'>Was passing by, and heard the war</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That through the building ran;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And lo! the tumult that arose</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was like the clamor high</div>
-      <div class='line'>When Michael’s host and Satan’s horde</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Did mingle in the sky.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And while he paused, he heard the stroke</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The active husband sped;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And heard the fall of rolling-pin</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Upon the husband’s head.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And he communed thus with himself,—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For he loved ways of peace,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Delighting not in heavy strokes,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But thinking war should cease:</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_81'>81</span>Said he, “A family jar, no doubt,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Now falls upon mine ear;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And I should promptly enter in</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The house, to interfere;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or soon, perchance, a murder will</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Be done beneath this roof;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And I appear like one to blame,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Because I stood aloof,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or passed along upon my way</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And took no noble stand,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Nor raised my voice the war to stay,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Nor caught a lifted hand.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So then the traveler left the street</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And bravely entered in,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Through porch and hall, and gained the room</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Where rose the fearful din;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And on the husband laying hold,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He cried, “Why do ye go</div>
-      <div class='line'>Beyond the brute that roots the sod</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In this contention low,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And neither spare the sex, nor kin,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Which you are bound to do?</div>
-      <div class='line'>Now use no more your ready hand</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or you the act may rue!”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then said the husband, turning round,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>“Why, is she not mine own?</div>
-      <div class='line'>My flesh of flesh, as we are told,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And also bone of bone?</div>
-      <div class='line'>And who are you that here comes in</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>At me to rail and scout,</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_82'>82</span>When I, by neither word nor line,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Sent invitation out?</div>
-      <div class='line'>Do I not answer for the rent?</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And all the taxes pay?</div>
-      <div class='line'>And say to whom I will, ‘Come in,’</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or, ‘Stand without,’ I pray?”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then also did that warring wife</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Now rest her rolling-pin,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And thus addressed the stranger too,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>“Aye! wherefore came ye in?</div>
-      <div class='line'>Come, let us beat him soundly here,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And throw him down the stairs,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And teach him not to interfere</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With other folks’ affairs.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So hands they laid upon the wretch</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>While edging for the door,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And beat him freely out of shape,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And dragged him round the floor.</div>
-      <div class='line'>The wife would hold him down awhile</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The husband’s blows to bide;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And then the husband held him till</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The wife her weapon plied.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>They rent the garments from his back,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And from his scalp the hair;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And from his face in handfuls plucked</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The whiskers long and fair;</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_83'>83</span>And there, contrary to the laws,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And to his wish to boot,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He swallowed teeth that in his jaws</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In youth had taken root.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>At last, uniting at the task,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>They hauled him to the door</div>
-      <div class='line'>And sent him howling home in pain;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A man both lame and sore.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p083.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE STRANGER WHO WENT IN.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Who showed the greatest wisdom here,—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The one who heard the fray</div>
-      <div class='line'>And went not in, but later stood</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Repenting in the way?</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_84'>84</span>Or he, who turning from his path</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Went in to stay the rout,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And after wished, with all his heart,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That he had stayed without?</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The observations of a life</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Prove, eight times out of nine,</div>
-      <div class='line'>They best can meddle with a strife</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Who bear official sign.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But notwithstanding all the facts</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>This lesson has laid bare;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of reaping good for noble acts</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>We never should despair.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Not here below reward we’ll know,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But virtue still prevails;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And valor, love, and rightful deeds,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Will count upon the scales.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p084.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_85'>85</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>THE ROD OF CORRECTION.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>It is not often that a poor fellow like myself
-can have a good laugh at the expense of a
-high dignitary. To-day, however, an opportunity
-presented itself, and happily I was in the
-right humor to appreciate it. Passing along a
-narrow street, I saw an old Irish woman unmercifully
-beating her boy with a rod, which, if
-it had not been divested of twigs and leaves,
-would have served as a Christmas tree for a
-good-sized family. This of itself was nothing to
-make one smile, and perhaps no person would
-more readily endorse such a sentiment than the
-boy himself. But the end was not yet.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>It appears that while on his way from the
-grocery, with a pitcher of beer for his mother,
-the little fellow tripped-up and spilled nearly the
-whole contents in the street. This was something
-that Temperance folk might well rejoice
-over, but it was a serious matter for the boy.
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_86'>86</span>The old woman, with parched lips was standing
-at the gate, impatiently awaiting her youngster’s
-return. She saw him emerge from the store,
-pitcher in hand. Her quick eye caught sight of
-the light foam rising in airy bubbles above the
-brim, and she knew the grocer had sent her no
-stinted measure. In fancy she was already
-quenching her thirst with copious draughts of
-the cooling drink—when she saw the boy measuring
-his length upon the planks. Worst, and
-most lamentable of all, she saw the delectable
-beverage coursing down the sidewalk in a dozen
-foaming streams. Her rage knew no bounds.
-The moment the boy put his foot inside the gate,
-she seized him with the grip of a virago, and
-belabored him with the cudgel till he roared. So
-great was the outcry that every window in the
-vicinity was immediately crammed with heads.
-Taught by the lessons of my youth that he who
-meddles in other people’s affairs often treads
-upon his own corns, I maintained a wise silence;
-but I mentally prayed that the wrath of the old
-fury would be appeased, for the cries and wild
-antics of the little wretch began to grow monotonous.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_87'>87</span>
-<img src='images/p087.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>A REAR ATTACK.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>There chanced at that moment to be passing
-an eminent minister who weekly fills his fashionable,
-spacious church with a glittering congregation.
-He saw the woman was in a
-towering passion, and he ventured to remark:
-“My good woman, the rod of correction should
-never become the weapon of passion.” The
-remark, which seemed good and to the point,
-caused her temporarily to suspend hostilities;
-but she still retained her hold on the collar, as
-she turned around sharply to ascertain who
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_88'>88</span>dared criticise her method of training up a
-child in the way he should go.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>For a minute she glared upon the clergyman
-with flashing eyes, as if astonished at his interference.
-Surveying him from the soles of his
-boots to the very crown swirl of his silk hat,
-she drew herself up to her full height, and, in
-the most indignant voice, shouted: “Away wid
-yer cotations, you ould sermon thief! It’s not
-from the likes of yees I learn me juty!”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The clergyman was nonplussed; he quailed
-before the fiery eyes and sarcastic tongue of
-the old vixen; and I fancied his face lit up with
-joy when he discovered that he was nigh a
-corner, around which he quickly disappeared.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p088.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_89'>89</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>GONE FROM HIS GAZE.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in10'>There was a little man,</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>And he had a little dog;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And he said: “Little dog, you must stay, stay, stay,</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Playing here by the house,</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>As peaceful as a mouse,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And never hoist your tail and away, ’way, ’way—</div>
-      <div class='line'>And never hoist your tail and away.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in10'>Then said this little pup,</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>At its master looking up:</div>
-      <div class='line'>“I know, little master, you are cute, cute, cute;</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>But if you will allow</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Such a question, tell me, now,</div>
-      <div class='line'>What the dickens do you want with a brute, brute, brute?</div>
-      <div class='line'>What the dickens do <em>you</em> want with a brute?”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in10'>Then the little man did stare,</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>And up rose his little hair;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And his cheeks with fear grew pale, pale, pale,</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>As he said: “I do propose,</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Soon as you have found your nose,</div>
-      <div class='line'>To kill by the dozen little quail, quail, quail—</div>
-      <div class='line'>To kill by the dozen little quail.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in10'>At this the puppy grinned,</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Like a mischief-making fiend,</div>
-      <div class='line'>As he whined: “You cannot come it upon me, me, me.</div>
-      <div class='line in10'><span class='pageno' id='Page_90'>90</span>You would have me lie around</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>In a back-yard, like a hound,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And become a paradise for the flea, flea, flea—</div>
-      <div class='line'>And become a paradise for the flea.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in10'>When the toil of day had flown,</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Little man, with little bone,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Went out where the little dog ought to be, be, be;</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>He whistled, and he called,</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>He patted, and he bawled,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But nary little dog could he see, see, see—</div>
-      <div class='line'>But nary little dog could he see.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in10'>Next day he chanced to stop</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>By a sausage maker’s shop,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And something that he saw made him holler, holler, holler;</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>For there in the street,</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>All bloody, at his feet,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Lay his poor little dog’s leather collar, collar, collar—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Lay his poor little dog’s leather collar.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p090.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_91'>91</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>ST. PATRICK’S DAY.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Erin go bragh! St. Patrick’s day is upon
-us, and the city seems wrapped in a
-“mantle of green,” so numerous are the Irish
-flags flying in the breeze.</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>From hovel roof, and church of size</div>
-      <div class='line'>Alike, the harp and sun-burst flies!</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>The ear of morn is stunned with the bray of
-at least a dozen blatant bands, as they discourse
-Old Erin’s soul-stirring airs. It is an easy matter
-for a person to imagine himself sitting by some
-sheeling door in “County Kerry” instead of
-this great American city by the sea. The
-Ancient Order of Hibernians and the Fenians
-are out in full force, with clean-boiled shirts
-and soap-washed faces. Marshals charge
-around upon their caparisoned steeds like real
-heroes, and sitting gracefully as a sack of
-potatoes upon the back of a spavined mule
-trotting over a corduroy road. Evidently some
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_92'>92</span>of them have never before bent over anything
-that came nigher to an equine than a saw-horse.
-It is plain</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Those who always rode, now ride the more,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And those now ride who never rode before.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>Well, they love the country that gave them
-birth, and that is a virtue that is certainly commendable,—a
-natural excellence often wanting
-in other nationalities. Besides, celebrating the
-old gentleman’s birthday makes business lively
-with the stable men and the shoemakers, and
-that of itself is a good reason why the demonstration
-should be encouraged. It is hardly
-probable that any of the great powers will be
-materially weakened by these loyal manifestations.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Here is a sketch of a spirited member of the
-“Ancient Order of Hibernians,” as he appeared
-passing my window in the morning, full of life
-and loyalty, tripping the asphaltum pavement
-lightly as though traversing the springy surface
-of his native bogs. And following is another
-sketch of the same individual in the evening,
-when full of oaths and whiskey, lying in the
-gutter with all that ease and abandon which
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_93'>93</span>characterizes the Celtic race, wherever dispersed,
-in every land and in every age.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p093.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>IN THE MORNING.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>The different races of men have their different
-weaknesses. It may seem an extravagant statement,
-but I venture to say if there had been no
-rice plant in the world, the Chinese would not
-have cared to live. I will even go further and
-say perhaps there would have been no Mongolian
-race. And now the thought occurs to
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_94'>94</span>me, this deficiency in the human family would
-not have been such a terrible thing after all.
-True, we should have been obliged to get
-along with catnip tea instead of Souchong,
-which would have been pretty heavy on old
-women. We also would have been obliged to
-worry through without old Confucius, which
-might have made some confusion in metaphysics
-or political morality. But as the latter
-could hardly be worse than it is at present with
-all his teachings, we possibly might have managed
-to exist very well without the moon-eyed
-philosopher.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p094.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>IN THE EVENING.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_95'>95</span>The Teuton dotes on his well-seasoned
-bologna. The grizzly Emperor William I,
-standing upon an eminence near Rezonville,
-overlooking the battle-field, with a spy-glass in
-one hand and a large bologna sausage in the
-other, furnished indeed a striking sketch for the
-special artist of the occasion. The humor of
-the situation came in when the Emperor, forgetting
-himself in the excitement of the moment,
-raised the sausage to his eye instead of the
-spy-glass, and because he failed to see the
-squadron of Uhlans—that a moment before
-were charging upon a battery—concluded they
-were blown to smithereens, and losing his
-usual equanimity, commenced to swear fearfully,
-and order up another division to take
-their place. There was a broad and sarcastic
-humor couched in the remark of the officer at
-his side, who observed the mistake, and ventured
-the suggestion, “If your Majesty will take
-another bite from the sausage, perhaps you
-will be able to see through it.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>And then, there is the jovial, careless, free-hearted,
-yet quarrelsome Irishman, who thinks
-a new Jerusalem without a little whiskey still in
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_96'>96</span>one corner of it,—“over beyant the throne, and
-forninst the back dure,” for instance—would be
-just no Paradise at all. I believe there is not a
-race of men on the face of the earth—from
-Behring Straits to Terra del Fuego, round and
-about, over and under, or down either quarter—that
-can extract the same genuine soul-satisfying
-bliss from a flattened nose or swelled lip,
-that a real, irrepressible, County Kerry Irishman
-can. Let him have that, and a good stiff horn
-of whiskey to keep the blood running freely, and
-my advice to you is, keep upon the other side
-of the street, if you intend to sit for your picture
-that afternoon, or visit your sweetheart that
-evening, or expect to take up the collection
-during divine worship the next Sunday. At
-such a time he is no respecter of persons, this
-set-up Irishman.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>You may be the Rector of the finest cathedral
-in the place, the mayor of the city, the judge of
-the supreme court, or even the governor of the
-state, and should your hat chance to blow off
-and roll in front of him,—though it should cost
-him a fall upon the pavement,—that man will
-kick it. I tell you he will kick it, and soundly
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_97'>97</span>too. He will make no mincing about it, but go
-for it, as he would for his neighbor’s pig, should
-he find it in his garden of cabbages. At such
-he is full of words also, and can bestow upon
-the stone that trips him up the same flow of
-abuse that he can shower upon the man who
-assists him to his feet.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>THE CONTENTED FROG.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='large'>T</span>he frog that once in Selby’s dam</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Its weird music shed,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Now lies as mute as stranded clam—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Because that frog is dead.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So sleeps the plague of former days,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>So noisy nights are o’er,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And he now on the pond decays</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Who long cried, “Sleep no more!”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>A frog upon a log one day</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In meditation sat,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And gazed upon his pond, that lay</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Still as a tanner’s vat.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_98'>98</span>No fish swam in his fetid lake,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>No current seaward run;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But hemmed by grasses, weed, and brake,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>It mantled in the sun.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p098.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>IN MEDITATION.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>At length from revery he woke,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And thus to free his mind,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He in the gutt’ral jargon spoke</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Peculiar to his kind:—</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_99'>99</span>“Give me my slimy pool,” quoth he,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>“Before a river wide,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Where cranes are found, still wading round,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And hungry fishes glide.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“Here light first dawn’d, here was I spawn’d,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And here I make my home—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Those longest live who’re not inclined</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In foreign parts to roam.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“Upon this log, or stone, I sit,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The water-fly to view,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or watch the glossy whirligig</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Describe his circles true.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“How foolish are some pollywogs;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Before they’ve lost their tails</div>
-      <div class='line'>They often class themselves with frogs,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And leave their native swales;</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“And while exploring down some ditch,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Beneath a scorching ray,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Upon a sandy bar they hitch,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And bake as dry as hay.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“Had they but waited till the tail</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Had from their body dropp’d—</div>
-      <div class='line'>And in its stead four legs shot forth—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Away they might have hopp’d.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Thus while he sat above the pool,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Commenting on his lot,</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_100'>100</span>He heard a truant boy from school</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Come whistling to the spot.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“Ah ha!” quoth he, “I hear, I see</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An ancient foe of mine;</div>
-      <div class='line'>He stones will throw, that well I know,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And straight ones I divine.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“The sparrow on the picket fence,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The squirrel on the limb,</div>
-      <div class='line'>The swallow flying overhead,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Alike look out for him.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“There are some hands I scarcely fear,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>So ill a stone they guide;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But when Bob Stevenson is near</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>’Tis meet that I should hide.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So, prompted by the fearful thought,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He leaped in with a thud,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And diving to the bottom, sought</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Concealment in the mud.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Now burrow, burrow, little frog,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As you will trouble find;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Think not because your eyes are shut</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That every one is blind.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then burrow deeper, deeper far,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Leave not one claw in view;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or, swifter than a falling star,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A stone will cleave you through.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_101'>101</span>“While here,” said he, “I’m safe enough,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And here I’ll peaceful lie</div>
-      <div class='line'>Until that little whistling rough</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Has passed the water by.”</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p101.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>BOB’S ATTACK.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But, ah! while he did reckon that</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The host was not around,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>The youngster saw him quit the log,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And soon a stone was found.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He stood beside the circling pond,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And gazed a while below—</div>
-      <div class='line'>The tell-tale mud the frog disturbed</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Rose from the bottom slow.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_102'>102</span>But, ah! for childhood’s searching eyes!</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>What can escape their darts?</div>
-      <div class='line'>Projecting from the mud he spies</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The croaker’s hinder parts.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“Ho! ho!” then laughed this cruel boy,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As downward he did stare,</div>
-      <div class='line'>“If you from trouble would be free</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of every part take care.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then down he sent the ready stone,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Nor went it down in vain—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Dead as the missile that was thrown,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The frog came up again.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Along the river’s ferny banks</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The frogs still chant their lays</div>
-      <div class='line'>While floating on his native pool</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That stone-killed frog decays.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p102.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div><span class='pageno' id='Page_103'>103</span></div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p103.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div>
-  <h2 class='c004'>ALL FOOLS’ DAY.</h2>
-</div>
-
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>This is “all fools’ day,” and judging by the
-number of people who are passing along
-the sidewalk with strings and rags dangling
-from their coat tails, the custom of making
-people appear ridiculous is not obsolete. What
-delight the youngsters take in covering a few
-bricks with an old hat, and leaving it temptingly
-upon the sidewalk, while they withdraw
-into some nook to watch the bait and halloo at
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_104'>104</span>the person who is thoughtless enough to kick
-it.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p104.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>SOLD.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>Though the custom has age to sanction it, I
-am decidedly opposed to making people—either
-on the first of April or upon any other
-day—appear ridiculous in their own eyes as
-well as in the eyes of every person with whom
-they come in contact. People will make fools
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_105'>105</span>of themselves often enough, without the assistance
-of others. I wonder why men are not
-more upon their guard upon this day. Just
-now I saw a newspaper reporter, who certainly
-should have known better, kick an old hat from
-his way, and go limping to the office, denouncing
-everybody in general, but children in particular.
-Speaking of reporters calls to mind
-something that I have often thought. I believe
-if I had been endowed with more cheek and
-less scruples about over-stepping the line of
-veracity, I long before this would have made
-my mark in the world as a newspaper scribbler.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>My unconquerable modesty always rose up
-like a barrier between me and reportorial fame.
-It would never allow me to dip into trivial,
-baseless rumors, and magnify them into scandalous
-reports. My pride, too, was a clog that
-blocked the wheel of progress. I could never
-throw it aside long enough to intrude myself
-uninvited at select gatherings, or creep and
-crouch under a window-sill or behind a door,
-like a base eavesdropper, to hear words that
-were not intended for the public ear, in order
-to work up a stirring article. But for these
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_106'>106</span>drawbacks, I cannot help thinking I would have
-done well at the business, because, by a singular
-decree of fate, I am generally present whenever
-any strange or amusing incident transpires,
-or even when scenes of a serious nature furnish
-work for the pen, and many a time, too, when
-I could well wish myself suddenly removed far
-enough from the distressing scene before me.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>This afternoon, for example, a terrible assault
-was perpetrated in the back yard of the house
-adjoining the one in which I reside.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>There is no use talking, I will have to get up
-and bundle out of this locality, before long. It
-is becoming too rough a quarter for me. Its
-poisonous air would tarnish the brightest reputation
-that ever shone upon a forehead.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>With my usual luck, I happened to witness
-the affair. Thus far I have kept it to myself, as
-I have no desire to figure in a court of justice
-in any such scrape. Some people, perhaps,
-would rush forward and volunteer their testimony,
-but I am not of that turn of mind, and
-calculate to keep my mouth shut until it is pried
-open by a legal bar. I have been looking over
-the evening papers, but they make no mention
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_107'>107</span>of the case, so perhaps the authorities are keeping
-the matter quiet, fearing that by giving it
-publicity they would defeat the ends of justice.
-With this thought in mind, and to help them
-along in their efforts, it being “all fools’ day,”
-also, I will say no more about it.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>FINDING A HORSE-SHOE.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Upon this day, and at this time, while the
-fire burneth in the grate and the warm
-drink steameth in the bowl, I speak as with the
-tongue of a scribe of the olden time, and this
-is the burden of my speech:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>A certain man, a citizen of this place, as he
-journeyed to his home, that looketh toward the
-mountain which is called Lone—and at the base
-of which the dead are entombed—found an
-horse-shoe in the way. And he was exceeding
-pleased because of his luck, insomuch that he
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_108'>108</span>rubbed his hands together joyfully, and said
-within himself: “How blessed am I in finding
-this shoe in the way. This bodeth good to me
-and mine household, because it pointeth in the
-way that I am going, and it would show a lack
-of understanding in me should I not pick it up.”
-So he placed it carefully in the pouch that was
-sewed in the hind part of his garment, which is
-called the tail, and hastened on towards his
-home; and as he went his countenance was
-bright to look upon. And it came to pass when
-he had arrived at his house, and was entered in
-at the door, he said unto himself—for he was
-an eccentric man, and his ways were not as the
-ways of sensible people—“Now will I make all
-haste and fasten this shoe above my parlor
-door, that it may continually bring good towards
-my house, for my grandmother hath often said
-there lieth a charm for good in the horse-shoe
-that is picked up by the way.” So reaching
-forth his hand, he took a hammer and a nail—such
-a nail as builders use when they would
-have their work outlast themselves—and stepping
-upon a chair, essayed to transfix the shoe
-to the casing above the door.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_109'>109</span>
-<img src='images/p109.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE HORSE-SHOE CHARM.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>Now it chanced that this man had a wife, a
-woman who was not eccentric, neither had she
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_110'>110</span>patience to spare on those people who had eccentric
-ways; and as she was at work in the
-kitchen—for upon the whole sea-coast there
-was not found a more industrious or tidy woman—she
-heard the sound of the hammer proceeding
-from the room which was her pride; and
-she made haste and dropped the dough that she
-was kneading for the oven, and looking out into
-the apartment, she beheld her husband standing
-upon the chair attempting to transfix the horse-shoe
-above the door. And she was exceeding
-displeased because of his action, and of his provoking
-eccentricity, and she remonstrated with
-him mildly, saying:</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Souls of the Innocents! is this a barn? or a
-blacksmith’s shop? or are ye gone stark, staring
-mad? or has old age benumbed your senses
-beyond all hope? that thus you would establish
-the unsightly object above the door, to be a jest
-for visitors and a shame unto us?”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>But the good man of the house, looking
-down reprovingly from the eminence upon
-which he was now set up—being nettled because
-she had likened him to a man stark,
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_111'>111</span>staring mad—answered the woman sharply,
-after this manner, saying:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Go delve into thy dough, <em>old</em> woman! Did
-ye never have a grandmother? or is thy memory
-as short as thy wind? Know ye not I fix it
-here that it may bring good unto our house, as
-hath been said of it in the olden time?” So
-he left off speaking with his wife, but turned
-him about and once more essayed to establish
-the shoe above the door. For his mind was
-firm on that point, that he would nail it there,
-that it might bring good unto his house.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Then waxed the woman exceedingly wroth—for
-she was of the house of O’Donohue,
-whose temper caused him to be cast into prison,
-because he smote the anointed priest within the
-chapel—and bending her body, she laid hold of
-the rounds of the chair upon which her husband
-was builded up, and pulled it suddenly from
-beneath him while he did reach to drive the
-spike, and behold, he came down quickly, and
-lay along the floor like a cedar felled.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>And it so happened, as the woman attempted
-to pass out by the door which led out into the
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_112'>112</span>kitchen, lo! a hammer followed after, and overtook
-the woman, and lodged upon her back,
-even between the two shoulder blades, and
-caused her to cry out with a marvelous loud
-cry; but turning herself around while yet the
-cry was proceeding from her mouth, she lifted
-the hammer from the floor and cast it from her,
-even at the countenance of her rising husband.
-Now it came to pass when the good man of the
-house looked upon the weapon as it left the
-hand of his wife, and saw that it was drawing
-nigh unto his head, swift as a javelin hurled
-from a Trojan’s arm, he said within himself,
-“As my name is Bartholomew, my hour is
-come.” And as he spoke he dived to the floor,
-that it might pass over and work him no harm.
-But even while he stooped, the weapon caught
-upon his scalp and peeled it backward to the
-very nape.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Then went the woman out into the kitchen,
-and when her husband was risen from the floor,
-he ran out into the streets seeking where he
-might find a surgeon; and as he ran the people
-stood and looked after, and communed one
-with another, saying: “Surely this man hath
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_113'>113</span>escaped from the Modocs!” But he was
-sorely troubled because of his scalp, so he
-heeded not the people, neither loitered he by
-the way to enlighten them concerning the
-wound; but when he had entered in at a surgeon’s
-door he entreated him to make all haste
-and bind up his wounds, that he might become
-whole again.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p113.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>REPAIRS NEEDED.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_114'>114</span>And when the surgeon drew nigh and looked
-upon the wound he was exceedingly astonished,
-and he cried, “Of what tribe was the
-savage that hath done this?”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>But the injured man answered him sorrowfully,
-saying, “Nay, but my wife hath done this
-thing!” and bowing his head between his knees
-he wept bitterly, even as David wept when he
-learned that Absalom had perished in the
-boughs of the great oak. And when the surgeon
-had poured oil upon the wound, and
-sewed it together—even as a housewife seweth
-the rent in a garment—and spread plasters
-upon his head in divers ways, he arose and
-journeyed to the Hall of Justice, which is by
-the Plaza, and entered a complaint against the
-woman.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>And it came to pass when the magistrates
-and the wise men of the place heard his complaint,
-they looked upon him as a person
-altogether given over to falsehoods, and they
-questioned him, saying: “How may we know
-if ye indeed speak the truth in our ears.” And
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_115'>115</span>removing the bandage from his head, with which
-the surgeon had wrapped it round, he answered
-and spake unto them, saying: “Ye ask for
-proof, and behold! I give it you!” And when
-they drew nigh and looked upon his head they
-saw that it was covered over with plasters, insomuch
-that it resembled a bolt of linen fresh
-from the loom, and they were sore displeased
-because of the assault. So they called together
-four men, the chosen officers of the force, and
-commanded them to arrest the woman, saying:
-“Take ye the woman into custody, and lodge
-her in prison, that on the morrow we may sit
-in judgment over her.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>So these four officers, named Murry, the
-brave; and Flynn, styled the “blinker,” and
-Curran, and Flaherty,—surnamed the “beat”—armed
-themselves with pistols, and clubs, and
-knives, and went forth to arrest the woman.
-And a great crowd followed after, for they said
-among themselves, “Surely some murder hath
-been done.” So when they had come nigh to
-the house they laid plans how they might surround
-it; and this was the manner of their
-approach toward the house. Murry on the
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_116'>116</span>east side; and Flynn, styled the “blinker,” on
-the west side; and Curran on the north side;
-and Flaherty, surnamed the “beat” on the
-south side. So they did compass the house
-about and enter it; and this was the manner
-of their entrance. One by the front door, and
-one by the back door, and one by the window
-that looked out at the west side of the house,
-and one by the window that looked out at the
-east side of the house; and they did converge
-and meet in the centre. And they found the
-hammer and the blood thereon; and the horse-shoe
-and the nail sticking therein; but they
-found not the woman. And they searched the
-house, beginning at the cellar, and ascending
-even up to the loft, but be it known unto you,
-the woman had fled, and her whereabouts
-remaineth a secret to this day.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p116.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_117'>117</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>AN EVENING WITH SCIENTISTS.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>This evening I accepted an invitation from
-a member of the Academy of Science to
-attend a regular meeting. I started out almost
-under protest, thinking it would prove a very
-dry entertainment. It had been said that at
-their meetings they conversed only about fossils
-or strata, or grew warm while arguing some
-point about the Azoic or Silurian age, that
-period before the Dinotherium or even the
-Mastodon ran bellowing across the flinty earth.
-I was agreeably disappointed, however. For
-I found it not only instructive, but amusing
-to others than scientists. The President announced
-to the Academy that a feathered
-mouse had been sent by an unknown friend
-from a distant town. A vote of thanks was
-then tendered the donor. The feathered mouse,
-however, proved to be a cruel fraud, for a subsequent
-examination revealed the painful fact
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_118'>118</span>that the feathers were stuck to the skin by some
-adhesive substance. The vote of thanks was
-then rescinded, and the feathered mouse was
-informally introduced to the office cat.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>A communication was then read from a man in
-the interior. He informed the Academy that he
-had in his possession a large sow, which, when
-quite a small pig, had been severely bitten by a
-black dog, which made a lasting impression upon
-her. In after years if any of her litter were black
-she singled them out, and devoured them with
-as little remorse as an old woman would a dish
-of stir-about. The sow had that day died from
-the effects of eating a tarantula, and he offered
-to donate her to the Academy, providing they
-would bear the cost of transporting her to the
-city. By a unanimous vote the communication
-was laid <em>under</em> the table.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Quite a discussion then took place as to
-whether pigs really do see the wind, and if so,
-why?</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_119'>119</span>
-<img src='images/p119.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE PRESIDENT OF THE ACADEMY.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>A member then presented the Academy with
-a new species of snail, or slug, which he found
-in the mountains, and which had but one horn.
-He proposed having it called a “unicorn snail.”
-Quite a controversy followed. Several members
-maintained that the snail imprudently left
-its horns out over night, and one, getting nipped
-by the frost, dropped off. This proposition
-angered the generous donor, and reaching forth
-a hand trembling with emotion, he lifted the
-snail from the palm of the admiring President,
-and laid it down gently upon the floor—as a
-mother might deposit an infant in the cradle—and
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_120'>120</span>while the Academy stood spell-bound, before
-a tongue could be loosened from the roof of a
-mouth, or a hand stretched to save, he planted
-the sole of a number eleven boot upon the
-crowning back of the little gasteropod, and
-when he lifted his foot again, all that was visible
-of the one-horned snail was a little grease spot
-upon the floor, the size of an average rain drop.
-This inhuman act seemed to throw a gloom over
-the Academy.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>No further business appearing, the meeting
-adjourned.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>OUR TABLE GIRL.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in14'>“O, those girls!</div>
-      <div class='line'>Naughty, laughing, beautiful girls.”—<cite>Old Song.</cite></div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>I commenced boarding in a new place
-to-day, and am completely smitten by the
-charming table girl—</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Oh, she is young and bright and fair,</div>
-      <div class='line'>With midnight eyes and inky hair,</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_121'>121</span>Which unconfined, without a check,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Falls round a plump and snowy neck.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Oh, sweet she bends above my chair</div>
-      <div class='line'>Like Juno, when old Jove’s her care,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And as she stoops to hear me speak,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Soft falls her breath upon my cheek,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And I forget (true as I live)</div>
-      <div class='line'>The order that I fain would give.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Before her dark and earnest eyes</div>
-      <div class='line'>My appetite distracted flies,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And though I hungry sit me down,</div>
-      <div class='line'>I rise full as a country clown</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who by a picnic table stands,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And shovels in with both his hands.</div>
-      <div class='line'>’Tis true, at times the humble board</div>
-      <div class='line'>Does but a scant repast afford;</div>
-      <div class='line'>At times we grumble at the bread,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or at the butter shake the head;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And oft the whisper circles round</div>
-      <div class='line'>About the mystery profound,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That may within the hash repose,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And any fateful stir disclose.</div>
-      <div class='line'>But still we linger, still we stay,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And hope for better things each day;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Thus proving that one winning face</div>
-      <div class='line'>Can keep from bankruptcy the place.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p121.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_122'>122</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>AN OLD WOMAN IN PERIL.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Yesterday, while in the back country, I
-saw an old woman in what would have
-been a very laughable predicament, had it not
-been a very pitiable one.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>An unusually large vulture had for some
-time been soaring in the neighborhood, occasionally
-scraping acquaintance with one of the
-fat ewes grazing in the valley. Several of the
-farmers had felt the vexation of seeing him
-perched upon a lofty eminence and making the
-wool fly from some favorite Cotswold. They
-were justly enraged, and resolved to put a stop
-to his depredations.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>They accordingly posted themselves nigh
-their flocks, and with guns heavily charged,
-awaited the advent of the rapacious bird. But
-he was no booby, and though his gizzard could
-digest a good-sized rib or hoof with all the ease
-of a Ballyshannon woman making away with a
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_123'>123</span>mealy potato, yet he hadn’t the least inclination
-to test its grinding power upon a charge of
-slugs or buckshot.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>For several days thereafter he was known
-in the neighborhood as a “high flier.” With a
-pining maw he would sit upon some heaven-kissing
-crag, and with drooping head watch the
-fleecy flocks grazing in the green valley below.
-He found it difficult, however, to cloy the hungry
-edge of appetite by bare imagination of a feast,
-and, emboldened by want, began to drop to a
-lower level when flying across the fields.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Yesterday, as mutton was out of the question,
-he resolved to try his beak upon some
-tougher viand, and while in the vicinity of the
-village, he swooped down upon a little old
-woman who was gathering chips in front of
-her cottage.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The poor old body had not the least warning
-of the vulture’s approach. As she stooped in
-the act of picking fuel enough to cook her
-evening meal he dropped upon her like an
-arrow.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_124'>124</span>
-<img src='images/p124.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE OLD LADY’S ASCENT.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>Fastening his powerful talons in the strong
-material of her loose-fitting garments, he spread
-abroad his mighty wings and began to haul her
-heavenward. The astonishment, anxiety and
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_125'>125</span>indescribable antics of the poor old lady when
-she found herself slowly but surely leaving
-<i><span lang="la" xml:lang="la">terra firma</span></i> by an unknown agency were indeed
-terrible to witness.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>She knew not whether it was a gold-tinseled
-angel, or an iron-rusted demon, that was thus,
-in open day, and while she was yet in the flesh,
-unceremoniously translating her to some remote
-planet; she had no means of discovering;
-she was only certain she was going—that
-her direction was onward and upward.
-Her favorite hollyhock tickled her nose as she
-swept over her little garden, and the clothes-line,
-that for a moment seemed to baffle the
-vulture’s flight, was now stretching beneath.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>She deployed her feet, regardless of appearances,
-first to the right, then to the left, above
-and below, vainly endeavoring to come in contact
-with something that would give her an inkling
-of what was responsible for this mysterious
-movement. There was a vague uncertainty
-about the whole proceeding well calculated to
-alarm her. Even though she succeeded in
-shaking herself loose, her fall would now be
-fearful, and each moment was adding to the
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_126'>126</span>danger. What could I do? I was powerless to
-save. I had no gun, and even if I had there
-would have been some grave doubts in my
-mind as to the propriety of firing, as I generally
-shoot low, and such an error in my aim could
-hardly have proved otherwise than disastrous.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>There was no use striving to make the bird
-loosen his hold by hooting. If there had been
-any virtue in that sort of demonstration the old
-woman would hardly have been raised above
-the eaves of her shanty, for she was screaming
-in a manner that would have made a Modoc
-blush. The only thing that suggested itself,
-and that rather hurriedly, was to get out my
-pencil and paper and take a sketch as she appeared
-passing over her cottage in the vulture’s
-talons.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The blood, which at first forsook her cheeks
-through fear, was almost instantly forced back
-into her visage again by the pendant position of
-her head.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>She beat the empty tin pan which she still
-retained in her hand, but the voracious and
-hunger-pinched vulture had no notion of relinquishing
-his hold on account of noise. On the
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_127'>127</span>contrary, he seemed to enjoy it, and with many
-a sturdy twitch and flap, and many an airy
-wheel, he still held his way toward a rugged
-promontory situated at the head of the valley.
-Fortunately, when he was twenty feet from the
-ground and about eighty rods from the cottage,
-the calico dress and undergarments in which
-mainly his talons were fastened, gave out, and
-the liberated woman dropped on hands and
-knees in the muddy bed of the creek, over which
-the bird was passing at the time.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>While hovering over her, about to pounce
-down upon her and try the elevating business
-again, a sheep-herder who had seen the bird approaching
-the cottage, gave him a dose of buckshot,
-which broke one wing and left him at the
-mercy of his captor.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p127.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_128'>128</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE.</h2>
-</div>
-<p class='c012'><em>Jonathan</em>.—“I hain’t got no tongue for soapin’ of ye, Susan
-Jane. I mean <em>business</em>, I do. Will ye hev me?”</p>
-
-<p class='c013'><em>Susan Jane</em>.—“I don’t know much about ye, Jonathan Junkit,
-but I’m willin’ to risk it, anyhow. Yer’s my hand. I’m yourn.”</p>
-
-<div class='c014'><cite>Old Volume.</cite></div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>This afternoon I attended a private wedding
-on Howard Street. I may safely term it
-“marriage in high life,” as the combined height
-of the couple was something over twelve feet.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The groom was a bachelor, who for many a
-year had stood around the fire like the half of
-a tongs, very good as a poker, but not worth
-standing room as a picker up.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>He looked as though it wouldn’t require
-much advice to make him—even at the eleventh
-hour—prove recreant to his vows, and back out
-from under the yoke the reverend gentleman
-was about to place upon his neck.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>His companion, however, was no novice in
-the business in which she was engaged. She
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_129'>129</span>was fearlessly putting forth upon that sea on
-which she had twice been wrecked, but she was
-nothing loth to try it again. Were she only
-skilled in navigation as well as in embarkation,
-she would have been the one to send on expeditions
-to either the North or South Pole, as the
-case might be.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p129.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE TRYING MOMENT.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>It was truly encouraging to the timorous and
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_130'>130</span>uninitiated, to see with what a broad smile she
-regarded her husband that was to be; and with
-what a readiness she responded to the momentous
-question propounded by the minister.
-And when they stood as husband and wife, her
-Milesian face lighted up with irrepressible joy,
-until it beamed like a Chinese lantern.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Her emotions went far to convince me that
-there is in those matrimonial fields a balm for
-every ill; a perfect bliss worthy the seeking,
-even at the risk of receiving the bruised spirit,
-if not the bruised head.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p130.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_131'>131</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>ODE ON A BUMBLE-BEE.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figleft id002'>
-<img src='images/p131.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-l c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Oh, busy, breezy bumble-bee,</div>
-      <div class='line'>A fitting theme in you I see!</div>
-      <div class='line'>At once you backward turn my gaze</div>
-      <div class='line'>To orchard, mead, and pasture days,</div>
-      <div class='line'>To watch your movements to and fro</div>
-      <div class='line'>With wondering eyes, as years ago.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Come, let me set my mark on thee,</div>
-      <div class='line'>As thou hast oft remembered me,</div>
-      <div class='line'>When with a seeming special zeal</div>
-      <div class='line'>You hastened to affix your seal.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I’ve heard your gruff good-morrow ring</div>
-      <div class='line'>When meeting kinsfolk on the wing;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Now coming zig-zag, light and airy,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Now going laden, straight and wary;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Still mindful of the spider’s snare</div>
-      <div class='line'>And kingbird, pirate of the air.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_132'>132</span>
-<img src='images/p132.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I’ve seen you upward turn your eye,</div>
-      <div class='line'>When clouds began to fleck the sky,</div>
-      <div class='line'>The winds to chafe the village pond,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And thunder rumble far beyond</div>
-      <div class='line'>And threaten storm, ere you could fill</div>
-      <div class='line'>Your honey sack, so empty still.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I’ve heard you whining forth your grief</div>
-      <div class='line'>When rain commenced to pelt the leaf,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And made you take the shortest road</div>
-      <div class='line'>That brought you to your dark abode.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I’ve marked your grumbling when you found</div>
-      <div class='line'>The working bee had been around;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Had left his bed and waxen door</div>
-      <div class='line'>And reached the field an hour before;</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_133'>133</span>For still, with early bird, or bee,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or man, the maxim does agree</div>
-      <div class='line'>They all must be content to find</div>
-      <div class='line'>What early risers leave behind.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Against the bell I’ve heard you storm,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Because it kept your burly form</div>
-      <div class='line'>From passing in the honeyed way,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That open to the emmet lay.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Thus human folk are oft denied</div>
-      <div class='line'>What, in their judgment, or their pride,</div>
-      <div class='line'>They should enjoy, though kept instead</div>
-      <div class='line'>For meaner things that creep ahead.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I know how apt you are to cling</div>
-      <div class='line'>To locks of hair, to hide and sing,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And keep the victim still in doubt</div>
-      <div class='line'>Just where the mischief will break out;</div>
-      <div class='line'>I know full well your angry tone,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And how you stab to find the bone;</div>
-      <div class='line'>With what a brave, heroic breast</div>
-      <div class='line'>Ye strike for queen and treasure chest,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Like Sparta’s sons, at duty’s call,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Compelled to win, or fighting fall;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Not fearing odds, nor counting twice,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Ye fix your bayonet in a trice,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And charge upon the nearest foe,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And break the ranks where’er you go.</div>
-      <div class='line'>For not the stroke of halberdier</div>
-      <div class='line'>Nor thrust of Macedonian spear</div>
-      <div class='line'>Can check your onset when you fly</div>
-      <div class='line'>With full intent to do or die!</div>
-      <div class='line'>Beneath your straight and rapid dart</div>
-      <div class='line'>The foe will tumble, turn, depart,</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_134'>134</span>And leave you victor, to report</div>
-      <div class='line'>Your doings at the Queen Bee’s court.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And proudly may you bare your brow,</div>
-      <div class='line'>In presence of your sovereign bow,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And tell her why you came so late,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Thus panting, to the palace gate;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And show your limbs of wax bereft,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Your right arm crushed, and sprained the left,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Your twisted horn, exhausted sting,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Your wounded scalp and tattered wing,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But how, in spite of every ill,</div>
-      <div class='line'>You struck for independence still,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Until the acre lot was free</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of all that would molest the bee.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>’Tis said that youngsters have a knack</div>
-      <div class='line'>To take you prisoner by the back;</div>
-      <div class='line'>To catch you by the wings, in haste,</div>
-      <div class='line'>A piece above the belted waist,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And hold you thus, to struggle there,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And use your sting on empty air.</div>
-      <div class='line'>But once I tried, and once I missed,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For you’re a great contortionist,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And somehow turn, and manage still</div>
-      <div class='line'>To plant your poison where you will.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Ah, they are wise, who meddling cease,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And let you go your way in peace!</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Though many things may slip my mind</div>
-      <div class='line'>Before the narrow bed I find,</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_135'>135</span>In fancy’s field I’d often see</div>
-      <div class='line'>The busy, burly bumble-bee.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p135.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>DUDLEY AND THE GREASED PIG.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Boil-stricken Job had his comforters,
-who, despite his timely injunction, “Oh,
-lay your hands upon your mouths, and thereby
-show your wisdom,” would still drum in his ear,
-“Hear us, for we will speak.” Poor old Falstaff
-had his evil genius in Bardolph, his impecunious
-follower, with his “Lend me a shilling.”
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_136'>136</span>And I have my burdensome “Jim Dudley,”
-with his “Let me tell you a story.” I was kept
-awake last night listening to his crazy yarn
-about the “greased pig,” as if I cared anything
-about his villainous adventures.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Oh, yes, that scrape with the greased pig?
-I never told you about it, eh? It’s worth heerin’,
-for that was a tearin’ old race, and I came mi’ty
-nigh gettin’ shoved out of the village on account
-of it, too, now, I can tell ye. Down on me?
-Wall, I reckon you’d think so if you heered the
-hollerin’ that was gwine on for awhile arter that
-race, some cryin’ one thin’ and some another.
-‘Tar and feather the cheat,’ one would holler.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Lynch the blamed humbug!’ another would
-shout.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Put him in a sack and h’ist him over the
-bridge!’ would come from another quarter.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“A doctor was never so down on a patent
-medicine as they were on me arter that race,
-especially Parson Coolridge, who was one of
-the principal sufferers, yer see.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“It was May Day amongst ’em, and the hull
-village seemed to be out thar enjoyin’ ’emselves.
-They had sack races and wheelbarrow
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_137'>137</span>races. That was the day blindfold Tom Moody
-ran the wheelbarrow through the grocer’s window,
-and Old Shulkin knocked him down with
-a ham, and a dog ran away with it. He charged
-Tom with the ham in the bill, along with the
-broken winder.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“They had a greased pole standin’ thar with
-a ten-dollar greenback tacked on top of it, but
-no person could get within ten feet of the bill.
-The hungry crowds were standin’ around all
-day gazin’ longin’ly up at the flutterin’ greenback,
-like dogs at a coon in a tree-top.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I didn’t try the pole, but when they brought
-out the greased pig—a great, slab-sided critter,
-jest in good condition for racin’,—I got sort o’
-interested in the performance. His tail was
-more’n a foot long, and it was greased until it
-would slip through a feller’s fingers like a newly
-caught eel.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Several of the boys started arter him, but
-they’d jest make one catch, and before they
-were certain whether they had hold of it, they
-would go one way and the hog would go another.
-And then the crowd would holler.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I was standin’ thar a leanin’ over the fence
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_138'>138</span>watchin’ of ’em for some time, and I see the pig
-was in the habit of formin’ a sort of ring with
-his tail; leastwise he’d lap it over so that it
-e’enmost formed a knot—all it lacked was the
-end wanted drawin’ through. I cal’lated that a
-feller with pooty nimble fingers could make a
-tie by jest slippin’ his fingers through the ring
-and haulin’ the end of the tail through. That
-would make a plaguey good knot, and prevent
-his hand from slippin’ off. Arter thinkin’ over
-it for some time I concluded if I could git up a
-bet that would pay for the hardships that a feller
-would be likely to experience, I would try a
-catch anyhow.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“So I ses to Jake Swasey, who stood alongside
-of me, ‘Jake, I believe that I kin hold that
-pig until he gins out.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Hold?’ he ses, surprised like and raisin’
-his eyebrows just that way; ‘what’s the matter
-of ye? hain’t ye slept well? Ye mout as well
-try to hold old Nick by the tail as that big,
-slab-sided critter.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Wal, now, jest wait a bit,’ ses I; so I went
-on and told him what I cal’lated to do, and arter
-he looked awhile, he ses, ‘Wal, go ahead, Jim,
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_139'>139</span>I’ll back ye. I reckon we can git any amount
-of odds so long as we keep the knot bus’ness
-to ourselves.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“So pullin’ off my coat I gin it to Jake to
-hold, and jumpin’ on the fence, I hollered, ‘I’ll
-bet ten to twenty that I kin freeze to the pig’s
-tail till he gins out!’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Great fish-hooks! you ought to have seen
-’em a-rustlin’ towards me. I couldn’t see anythin’
-but hands for five minutes, as they were
-holdin’ of ’em up, and signalin’, an’ a-hollerin’,
-‘I’ll take that bet, Dudley, I’ll take that bet!’
-I got rid of what money I had about me pooty
-soon, and Jake Swasey was jest a-spreadin’ out
-his greenbacks like a paymaster, and arter he
-exhausted his treasury he started arter his
-sister to git what money she had. I hollered
-to him to come back—I was fearin’ he’d tell
-her about the knot bus’ness; but he wasn’t no
-fool and knowed too well what gals are to trust
-her with any payin’ secret.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Old Judge Perkins was thar, jolly as a boy
-on the last day of school. Wal, he was holdin’
-of the stakes, and his pockets were crammed
-chockfull of greenbacks. He was a pooty
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_140'>140</span>good friend of mine, and couldn’t conceive
-how in thunder I was a-gwine to get my
-money back.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p140.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>JUDGE PERKINS.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Beckonin’ of me one side—‘Dudley,’ ses
-he, kind of low that way, and confidentially like,
-‘I know you’re as hard to catch as an old trout
-with three broken hooks in its gill; but I can’t
-help thinkin’ a greased pig’s tail is a mi’ty
-slippery foundation to build hopes on.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_141'>141</span>“‘Never mind, Judge,’ ses I, winkin’, ‘I can
-see my way through.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Yes, Dudley,’ he ses, a-shakin’ of his head
-dubious like, ‘that’s what the fly ses when he’s
-a-buttin’ his head against the winder.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Wal,’ ses I, ‘without the tail pulls out, I
-cal’late to travel mi’ty close in the wake of that
-swine for the next half hour;’ and with that I
-moved off to where the pig was standin’ and
-listenin’ to all that was gwine on.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I fooled round him a little until I got betwixt
-him and the crowd, and when he flopped
-his tail over as I was tellin’ ye, I made one
-desperate lunge, and made a go of it the fust
-time. I jest hauled the end through while he
-was turnin’ round, and grabbin’ hold above my
-hand, rolled it down into the tightest knot you
-ever sot eyes on. It was about two inches
-from the end of the tail, and he scolloped
-around so amazin’ lively nobody could see it.
-The crowd allowed I was hangin’ on the straight
-tail, and they didn’t know what to make of the
-performance anyhow.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Go it, piggy,’ I ses to myself, just that
-way, ‘I guess it’s only a question of endurance
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_142'>142</span>now, as the gal said when she had the flea
-under the hot flat-iron.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The gate was open, and arter a few circles
-around the lot, the hog p’inted for it, and away
-he went, pig fust and I arter. He ran helter-skelter
-under old Mother Sheehan, the fruit
-woman, jest as she was comin’ through the
-gateway with a big basket of apples on each
-arm. I did hate like snakes to hoist the old
-lady, bounce me if I didn’t! I would ruther
-have run around a mountain than do it, ’cause
-you see she had jest been gittin’ off a bed of
-sickness that came nigh shroudin’ her, and she
-wasn’t prepared for a panic, by any means. I
-did my best to swing the critter around and git
-him off the notion of goin’ through, but his
-mind was made up. Thar was plenty of room
-outside for him to pass along without disturbin’
-the old lady, but a hog is a hog, you know—contrary
-the world over. Besides, he allowed
-he could brush me off by the operation, but I
-wasn’t so easily got rid of. The money was
-up, you see, and I had no choice but to follow
-where he led and stick to the rooter till he gin
-out. ‘Where thou goest, I will go,’ I ses to
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_143'>143</span>myself, rememberin’ the passage in the Scriptures,
-and duckin’ my head to follow him. I
-scrouched down as low as I could and keep on
-my feet; for I cal’lated, do my best, the old
-woman would git elevated pooty lively.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p143.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>BAD FOR THE FRUIT BUSINESS.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_144'>144</span>“She hollered as though a whole menagerie—elephants,
-kangaroos, snakes and all—had
-broke loose. Her sight wasn’t any too clear,
-and the whole proceedin’s had come upon her
-so sudden that she didn’t exactly know what
-sort of an animal was thar. She would have
-been satisfied it was a hog if it hadn’t taken so
-long to git through. I followed so close to his
-hams that she reckoned we both made one
-animal. The hog gin a snort when he started
-in to run the blockade, and she ses to herself,
-‘Thar goes a big hog,’ but about the time she
-reckoned he had got out on the other side, I
-come a humpin’ and a boomin’ along in my
-shirt-sleeves, and gin her a second boost,
-throwin’ the old woman completely off her
-pins and out of her calculations at once.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“She did holler good, thar’s no mistake
-about that.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The crowd hoorayed and applauded. The
-older ones of course sympathized with the poor
-old woman; but they could do nothin’ more,
-’cause the whole catastrophe come as sudden
-as an earthquake and nobody seemed to be to
-blame. I wasn’t, and they all could see that
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_145'>145</span>plain enough. The young uns went for
-the scattered apples, but the pig and I kept
-right on attendin’ to business. Now and agin
-he’d double back towards the crowd, and
-they’d commence scatterin’ every which way,
-trampin’ on each other’s feet. Si Grope, the
-cashiered man-of-wars-man, stepped on Pat
-Cronin’s bunion, and he responded by fetchin’
-the old salt a welt in the burr of the ear, and at
-it they went, tooth and nail, right thar. A few
-stopped to see fair play, but the heft of the
-crowd, about three hundred, kept right on
-arter me and the hog.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Jake Swasey managed to git up pooty nigh
-to us once and hollered, ‘How are you makin’
-it, Jim?’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Fustrate,’ I answered; ‘I cal’late to stick
-to this swine through bush and bramble till I
-tire him out.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘That’s the feelin’,’ he shouted, and with
-that we left him behind. The old judge was a
-puffin’ and a blowin’, strivin’ his best to keep
-up, and for some time he actewally led the
-crowd, but he didn’t hold out very long, but
-gradewelly sank to the rear.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_146'>146</span>
-<img src='images/p146.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>BOW-LEGGED SPINNY.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Rod Munnion, the tanner, stumbled and
-fell while crossin’ the street. His false teeth
-dropped out into the dirt, and while he was
-scramblin’ on all fours to git ’em ag’in, a feller
-named Welsh, who was clatterin’ past, slapped
-his foot down and bent the plate out of all
-shape. Munnion snatched ’em up ag’in as
-quick as the foot riz, and wipin’ ’em on his
-overalls as he ran, chucked ’em back into his
-mouth ag’in, all twisted as they were. They did
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_147'>147</span>look awful though, stickin’ straight out from his
-mouth, and pressin’ his lip chock up ag’inst his
-nose. You couldn’t understand what he was
-sayin’ any more than if he was Chinnook.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Bow-legged Spinny, the cabbagin’ tailor,
-was thar. He met the crowd while carryin’
-home Squire Lockwood’s new suit, and catchin’
-the excitement of the moment, tossed the
-package into Slawson’s yard, and it bounded
-into the well quicker than ‘scat.’ He didn’t
-know it though, but hollered to the old woman,
-as he ran past the window, to look arter the
-package until he got back. Not seein’ any
-package she allowed he was crazy as a cow
-with her head stuck in a barrel, and flew to
-boltin’ of her doors pooty lively. He had been
-once to the Lunatic Asylum, you see, and they
-were still suspicious of him.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The crowd thought to head us off by takin’
-down a narrow lane, and it was while they were
-in that, that they began to surge ahead of Judge
-Perkins. He was awful quick tempered, and
-pooty conceited, and when bow-legged Spinny
-was elbowin’ past him he got mad. Catching
-the poor stitcher by the coat tail, he hollered:
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_148'>148</span>‘What! a miserable thread-needle machine
-claimin’ precedence?’ and with that he slung
-him more’n ten feet, landin’ him on his back in
-a nook of the fence.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“That was the day they buried old Mrs.
-Redpath, that the doctors disagreed over. Dr.
-Looty had been doctorin’ her for some time for
-bone disease. He said her back-bone war
-decayin’. He didn’t make much out of it
-though, and they got another doctor. The new
-feller said he understood the case thoroughly;
-he ridiculed the idea of bone disease, and went
-to work doctorin’ for the liver complaint. He
-said it had stopped workin’ and he was agwine
-to git it started ag’in. I reckon he’d have
-accomplished somethin’ if she had lived long
-enough, but she died in the meantime. When
-they held a post-mortem, they found out the old
-woman, some time in her life, had swallered a
-fish-bone which never passed her stomach, and
-eventually it killed her.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Thar,’ ses Dr. Looty, ‘what did I tell ye?
-You’ll admit, I reckon, my diagnosis of the
-disease was right arter all, only I made a slight
-error in locatin’ the bone!’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_149'>149</span>“‘Bone be splintered!’ ses the other feller,
-‘hain’t I bin workin’ nigher the ailin’ part than
-you?’ So they went on quackin’ thar and disagreein’
-over her until old Redpath got mad and
-hollered, ‘You old melonheads, isn’t it enough
-that I’m a widderer by your fumblin’ malpractice,
-without havin’ ye wranglin’ over the old
-woman!’ So he put ’em both out, and chucked
-their knives and saws arter ’em.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“But as I was sayin’, that was the day of the
-funeral, and while it was proceedin’ from the
-church to the buryin’ ground with Parson Coolridge
-at the head, with his long white gown on,
-we hove in sight comin’ tearin’ down to’ards
-the parsonage. The minister was a feller that
-actewelly doted on flowers. When he wasn’t
-copyin’ his sermons’ he was fussin’ around
-among the posies. He had his gardin chock
-full of all kinds of plants and shrubs. Thar
-you could see the snapdragon from Ireland, the
-fu-chu from China, the snow-ball from Canada,
-the bachelor’s button from Californy, and every
-kind you could mention.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He had noticed the gardin gate was open
-when the funeral passed, and it worried him
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_150'>150</span>considerable. So when he heered the hootin’
-and hollerin’, and got sight of the crowd surgin’
-down the street, and see the pig and I pointin’
-in the direction of the house, he couldn’t go
-ahead nohow.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Turnin’ around to the pall bearers who were
-puffing along behind him, he ses, ‘Ease your
-hands a minit, boys, and let the old woman rest
-’till I run back and see if that Dudley is agwine
-to drive that hog into my gardin. Confound
-him!’ he contin’ed, ‘he’s wuss to have around
-the neighborhood than the measles.’ With that
-he started back on the run, his long, white gown
-a-flyin’ away out behind, the most comical lookin’
-thing you ever see. And he could run, that
-Parson Coolridge, in a way that was astonishin’.
-I reckon he hadn’t stirred out of a walk before
-for thirty years, and yit he streaked it over the
-ground as though it was an every-day occurrence.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“His j’ints cracked and snapped with the
-unusual motion, like an old stairs in frosty
-weather, but he didn’t mind that so long as he
-could git over the ground. He was thinkin’ of
-his favorite plants and the prospect of their gittin’
-stirred up and transplanted in a manner he
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_151'>151</span>wasn’t prepared to approve. He did jerk back
-his elbows pooty spiteful, now I can tell you.
-He tried to make the gateway fust, and put in
-his best strides. But when he saw he couldn’t,
-he hollered, ‘Keep that hog out of my gardin,
-Dudley, or I’ll take the law of ye.’</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p151.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>NIP AND TUCK.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_152'>152</span>“‘Don’t git wrathy, Parson Coolridge,’ I
-shouted. ‘I can’t prevent the pig from gwine
-in. I have hold of the rudder, but I’ll be boosted
-if I can steer the ship.’ With that, through the
-openin’ we went, pig fust and me arter, and the
-hul crowd a clatterin’ behind us. The judge
-was amongst ’em, but got left in the hind end
-of it, where the women were a-trottin’. The
-Parson’s flowers went down with broken necks
-quicker than lightnin’. It wasn’t more’n ten
-seconds until they were six inches under ground,
-for the hog kept a circlin’ around and the hoorayin’
-crowd follerin’ arter, payin’ no more
-attention to the Parson than if he had been a
-young ’un a-runnin’ around. When they saw
-the crowd, the pall bearers and most of the
-people who were jest follerin’ the remains
-through sympathy, turned back on the run and
-left the mourners standin’ thar by the coffin.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Oh! it was the most excitin’ time the village
-ever seed. The ground was too soft in the
-gardin for the pig to git around well, and pooty
-soon he gin out. I was awful tired, too, and
-was hangin’ a dead weight on him for the last
-ten minutes.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_153'>153</span>“When the boys see the knot on the tail you
-ought to hear ’em a-hollerin’, ‘Bets off! bets
-off!’ They were set on claimin’ a foul, and surrounded
-the old judge demandin’ thar money.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“But, as the crowd was increasin’ and the
-Parson was e’enmost crazy, the judge told ’em
-to come with him to the Court-house—he
-wouldn’t decide nothin’ in the gardin. As the
-hog couldn’t walk, the judge took his tobacco
-knife and cut the tail off and took it along with
-him to introduce as proof. He decided in my
-favor. He said that I had held on to the tail
-and touched nothin’ else, and if I managed to
-tie a knot while runnin’ I had performed a feat
-never before heard of in the country, so he paid
-over the money.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“But Parson Coolridge was the most worked
-up of any of ’em. He had legal advice on the
-matter, but the lawyer told him to gin it up, for
-the judge was on my side. Besides, he shouldn’t
-have left the gate open, if he didn’t want the
-pig to go in thar. Arter a while he gin up the
-notion of suin’ me, but while he stopped in the
-village he never got over it.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_154'>154</span>
-<img src='images/p154.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>MORE LIGHT ON THE SUBJECT.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The boys had pictures chalked up on the
-fences and shop doors, so that wherever you’d
-look you’d see sketches of the Parson runnin’
-back from the funeral, and me a holdin’ on to
-the pig’s tail. He paid out more’n ten dollars
-in small sums to one boy, hirin’ him to go round
-and rub out the pictures wherever he’d happen
-to see ’em. But every time the Parson would
-start out through the village, thar on some fence
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_155'>155</span>or door, or side of a buildin’, would be the same
-strikin’ picture of him, a streakin’ it to head off
-the hog, so he would start the rubbin’-out boy
-arter that one.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“One evenin’ he happened to ketch that selfsame
-little rascal hard at work chalkin’ out the
-identical sketch on the cooper’s shop door, and
-the Parson was so bilin’ mad he chased him all
-over the village. The young speculator had
-bin carryin’ on a lively business, but arter that
-discovery thar was a sudden fallin’ away in his
-income. I tell ye it made a plag’y stir thar for
-awhile, and I reckon if Judge Perkins hadn’t
-been on my side I’d have been obliged to git
-out of the place.”</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p155.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_156'>156</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>CORA LEE.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='large'>W</span>ould you hear the story told</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Of the controversy bold,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That this day I did behold,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>In a court of low degree,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Where his Honor sat like fate,</div>
-      <div class='line'>To decide betwixt the state</div>
-      <div class='line'>And a wanton villain’s mate,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Named Cora Lee?</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The bold chief of stars was near,</div>
-      <div class='line'>As a witness to appear.</div>
-      <div class='line'>(By his order, Cora dear</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Was languishing below.)</div>
-      <div class='line'>And for counsel she had got</div>
-      <div class='line'>A descendant of old Wat—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Noted for his daring plot,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Some years ago.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>It was he commenced the fuss,</div>
-      <div class='line'>“For,” said he, “by this and thus,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Here I smell an <em>animus</em><a id='r1' /><a href='#f1' class='c015'><sup>[1]</sup></a></div>
-      <div class='line in4'>As strong as musk of yore;</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_157'>157</span>And it’s my condensed belief,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That in language terse and brief,</div>
-      <div class='line'>I can trace it to the chief,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>E’en to his door.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then to all it did appear</div>
-      <div class='line'>That the chief was seized with fear;</div>
-      <div class='line'>To the lawyer he drew near,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>And to him muttered low:</div>
-      <div class='line'>“I could never think that ye</div>
-      <div class='line'>Would be quite so hard with me;</div>
-      <div class='line'>You had better let me be,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>And travel slow.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then the lawyer quit his chair</div>
-      <div class='line'>As if wasps were buzzing there,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And with quite a tragic air,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Addressed his Honor thus—</div>
-      <div class='line'>“At your hands I claim protection.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Keep your eyes in this direction,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Take cognizance of his action,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>This <em>animus</em>!”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then arose the chief of stars,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And his visage shone like Mars,</div>
-      <div class='line'>When he recks not battle scars,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>But charges to the fray.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And his hand began to glide</div>
-      <div class='line'>To his pocket deep and wide,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Where a weapon well supplied</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>In waiting lay.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_158'>158</span>
-<img src='images/p158.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE CHIEF.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“Ho!” he cried, “you shyster hound,</div>
-      <div class='line'>If you go on nosing round</div>
-      <div class='line'>Till an <em>animus</em> you’ve found,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>My dear sir, hearken you:</div>
-      <div class='line'>I will open, by my soul!</div>
-      <div class='line'>In your carcass such a hole,</div>
-      <div class='line'>You will think a wagon pole</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Has run you through.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_159'>159</span>“<em>You</em> would prate about the law?</div>
-      <div class='line'><em>You</em> would magnify a flaw?</div>
-      <div class='line'><em>You</em> would touch me on the raw?</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>So now, sir, say no more!</div>
-      <div class='line'>Keep a padlock on your jaw,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Not a sentence, or I’ll draw,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And I’ll scatter you like straw</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Around the floor!”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Now the Judge’s face grew red</div>
-      <div class='line'>As a turkey gobbler’s head</div>
-      <div class='line'>When a scarlet robe is spread</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>On the lawn or fence.</div>
-      <div class='line'>“I adjourn the court,” he cried,</div>
-      <div class='line'>“’Till that <em>animus</em> has died,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And is buried head and hide</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Far from hence.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then the rush was for the door;</div>
-      <div class='line'>From the corridors they pour,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Three old women were run o’er</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Within the justice hall;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And above the tramp and patter,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And the cursing and the chatter,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And the awful din and clatter,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Rose their squall.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>When the open air was gained,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then the epithets were rained,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And the passer’s ear was pained</div>
-      <div class='line'>With profanity flung loose,</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_160'>160</span>Back and forth the wordy pair,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Shameless swapped opinions there;</div>
-      <div class='line'>’Till all parties got their share</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Of vile abuse.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>When the man of “briefs” would flee,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Chieftain followed like a bee,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or a shark a ship at sea</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>When hunger presses sore;</div>
-      <div class='line'>’Till, enraged, the lawyer, he</div>
-      <div class='line'>Cried, “If fight you want of me,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Wait with patience minutes three,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Not any more;</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“’Till I hasten up the stair</div>
-      <div class='line'>To my office, and prepare,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Like yourself for rip and tear,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>And piling bodies dead.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then, if you can blaze it faster,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Carve designs for probe or plaster,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Quicker work a soul’s disaster,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Just waltz ahead.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But alas! his hasty tongue,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Vulgar name or sentence flung,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And the chieftain’s pride was stung</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Down to the marrow bone.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Now upon him, head and tail,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Pitched policemen, tooth and nail,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Hot as bees when they assail</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>A lazy drone.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_161'>161</span>And upon the evening breeze</div>
-      <div class='line'>Rose the “begorras” and the “yees”</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of a dozen Mulroonees,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>As they roughly hale</div>
-      <div class='line'>The poor lawyer through the street,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Sometimes lifted from his feet,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Sometimes o’er the noddle beat,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Toward the jail.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Now upon a truss of straw,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Lies the counsellor-at-law,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Wishing Satan had his paw</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>On wily Cora Lee.</div>
-      <div class='line'>For himself to grief is brought,</div>
-      <div class='line'>While the <em>animus</em> he sought</div>
-      <div class='line'>Running is, as free as thought,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or like his fee.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='footnote' id='f1'>
-<p class='c006'><a href='#r1'>1</a>. Private enmity towards the prisoner.</p>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p161.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_162'>162</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>A BRILLIANT FORENSIC EFFORT.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Having learned that a highly-educated and
-respectable lady of this city had instituted
-a suit in one of our courts for the purpose
-of obtaining a divorce from her husband,
-I stepped into the hall of justice to learn how
-the case progressed. The fact of a young
-wife demanding a separation in a country like
-this, which is proverbial for its separations, is
-nothing to be wondered at, and I was considerably
-surprised, on reaching the court room,
-to find it so full of people that I could hardly
-gain admittance. I was not so much astonished
-at the great rush, however, when informed by
-the bailiff that the ground on which the lady
-rested her case was that her husband snored.
-As I entered, the plaintiff’s lawyer commenced
-addressing the court. He entered into the case
-with the spirit and fire of a Clay or a Webster.
-After reviewing and commenting largely upon
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_163'>163</span>the testimony given in the case, he ended his
-argument in the following words:—</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id004'>
-<img src='images/p163.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE ADVOCATE.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Now, sir, whatever other people may think
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_164'>164</span>of this application, I take a bold stand, regardless
-whose corns or bunions I tread upon, so
-long as I put my foot down where it belongs.
-We have too many snorers among us. They
-are in our places of amusement, introducing
-groans and thunder where none were intended
-in the play. We find them in our places of
-worship, breaking forth in the midst of the
-pastor’s prayer, or while he is picturing to the
-congregation the wreck of ages and the crash
-of worlds. I maintain that this application is a
-righteous one; that it is a shot in the right
-direction, which will in all likelihood eventually
-bring down the game; and were I a judge
-invested with power to decide a peculiar case
-of this kind, I would show no hesitation, but
-grant the plaintiff her natural and very reasonable
-request more readily than if the grounds
-on which she sued for a separation were drunkenness
-or desertion.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The absurdity of an irascible wife seeking
-a divorce from a husband because he indulges
-too freely in the flowing bowl must be apparent
-to all. She rushes into the crowded court
-room, and, figuratively speaking, catches the
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_165'>165</span>astonished justice by the ear, as Joab in the
-extremity of his distress laid hold upon the
-horns of the altar, and requests him to sever
-the chafing bonds with his legal shears. Again:
-what a pitiable lack of discretion that woman
-exhibits who appeals to the court merely because
-her husband deserts her, leaving her to
-pursue the even tenor of her way. Why, in
-nine cases out of ten this is a ‘consummation
-devoutly to be wished;’ she is left untrammeled,
-and has no husband to support.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I will not allude to the many other failings
-which wreck the home and put out the cheerful
-light of many a hearthstone.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“But, sir, it is with no ordinary thrill of pride
-that I espouse the cause of the woman who
-seeks a divorce from a snoring husband. I say,
-and I may remark that I say it boldly, that I
-rejoice it was reserved for me to raise my voice
-in her defence. I hold that a man who with
-malice aforethought takes from her peaceful
-home a tender and confiding maiden without
-first informing her of his trouble, commits a
-grave and unpardonable crime. The dogs of
-justice should be loosened at his heels to hound
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_166'>166</span>him from Puget’s Sound to Passamaquoddy Bay.
-He should be made to repent his villainous act.
-Think how the tender nerves of a sensitive
-creature must be shocked on being awakened
-by such an outburst. Picture to yourself her
-husband, not breathing her name in words of
-love, but lying flat on his back, and snoring with
-the vehemence of a stranded porpoise.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Now, sir, I ask what mercy should be shown
-the monster who has himself shown none? He
-has doomed a fair representative of that sex
-whose presence civilizes ours, to an ever new
-affliction and a life of perpetual wakefulness.
-What course can she pursue? There are but
-two roads. Which shall she take? One leads
-to the court room and the other leads to the
-cemetery. She must either be freed from her
-husband or go down to an untimely grave, perhaps
-to have her place quickly filled by another
-unsuspecting victim. No, your Honor; this man,
-and I regret to say it, this husband and father,
-should not be permitted to destroy the peace
-and bright prospects of more than one female.
-Let it be known to the world that he has ruined
-the hopes of a loving wife, let it be blazoned
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_167'>167</span>upon the housetops and upon the fences that
-he <em>snores</em>; then let him get another mate, if he
-can.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p167.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The wife should not only have a divorce
-from the deceptive monster, but she should have
-the custody of the children. She deserves them
-by virtue of her long suffering and patience,
-while he who has so heartlessly deceived her
-cannot be competent to guide their little feet
-aright in the dangerous walks of life. On behalf
-of this sorrowing wife, all other wives, and of
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_168'>168</span>the wives yet to be, who are ripening into
-womanhood around our hearths, I cry separation!
-In the name of confidence betrayed, of
-hopes blasted, and of a life aged before its time,
-I repeat, separation! separation!”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>He sank into his seat, and despite the order
-of the bailiff for “silence in court,” generous
-applause swept throughout the room. The
-judge took occasion to compliment the lawyer
-for his able argument, and said it was the
-greatest forensic effort he had listened to since
-he assumed the responsibilities of his office.
-The prayer was granted and the children
-awarded to the plaintiff.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p168.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_169'>169</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>VISITING A SCHOOL.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Accepting an invitation extended by the
-principal of an uptown school, I visited
-that institution to-day. The masses of young
-humanity a person finds in these temples of instruction
-is something amazingly impressive.
-Eight or nine hundred scholars are attending
-the one school on which I bestowed my attentions
-to-day.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p169.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>HEAD OF HIS CLASS.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_170'>170</span>
-<img src='images/p170.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>FOOT OF HER CLASS.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>This article must be embellished with a faithful
-sketch of the boy who stood at the head of
-his class. How he felt at that moment, I
-couldn’t say, never having any experience in
-the position myself. He looked happy and confident,
-however, and snapped eagerly at the
-words as they fell from the teacher’s lips, much
-as a hungry dog does at the crumbs falling from
-a table. But my sympathies were decidedly
-with the little contortionist who stood mournfully
-at the foot of her class. I knew how that
-was myself. I had been “yar,” and I regretted
-I wasn’t a ventriloquist, that I might from afar
-whisper in her ear, and assist her over some
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_171'>171</span>clogging syllables. If she could have gone into
-the yard, where I noticed a scholar of the senior
-class throwing herself in a delirium of joy,
-brought about by a skipping-rope, she would
-probably have acquitted herself in a creditable
-manner, and won the praise of all, for however
-inferior a person may be to another in some
-matters, when they can choose their game they
-often reverse the order, and peradventure the
-poor stammering scholar could have skipped
-the skirts off those jogging ahead of her in the
-common speller.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>THE REJECTED SUITOR.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='large'>N</span>ot often does a sadder sight</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Wake sympathetic strain,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Than glimpse of some rejected wight</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Whose suit has proved in vain;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who often pinched necessities</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For bouquets, sweet and rare,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For tickets to the carnival,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The opera, or fair;</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_172'>172</span>
-<img src='images/p172.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>A SUITOR NON-SUITED.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Whose pocket oft was visited</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The candy box to fill;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The dollar spent that should have gone</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To pay his laundry bill.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Especially the case is sad,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>If he who seeks a wife</div>
-      <div class='line'>Has, step by step, encroached upon</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The shady side of life.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_173'>173</span>The fly no darker prospect views</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That in the inkstand peers,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Than he, whose unrequited love</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Must leak away in tears.</div>
-      <div class='line'>At such a time how ill the smile</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Becomes the rival face;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The “ha, ha, ha’s!” the winks and nods,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Seem sadly out of place.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And then comparisons are drawn</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>At the expense, no doubt,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of him whose overflowing cup</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Seems full enough without.</div>
-      <div class='line'>While he who moves away, alas!</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of every grace so free,</div>
-      <div class='line'>To criticism opens wide</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The door, as all may see.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>His mind is not reflecting now</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>On fashions, style, or art,</div>
-      <div class='line'>On proper pace, or rules of grace;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But on his slighted heart.</div>
-      <div class='line'>He now but sees his promised joys</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>All foundering in his view,</div>
-      <div class='line'>His castles tumbling down, that high</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In brighter moments grew.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>To know that now those ruby lips</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Another’s mouth will press,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And now that soft and soothing hand</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Another’s brow caress,—</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_174'>174</span>Oh, dark before, and dark behind,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And full of woe and pain</div>
-      <div class='line'>Is life to him, whose heavy loss</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Makes up a rival’s gain.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The gravel-walk beneath his feet</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Cannot too sudden ope’,</div>
-      <div class='line'>To gather in the wretch, who mourns</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The death of every hope.</div>
-      <div class='line'>The swallows, whispering in a row,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Seem mocking at his tear,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And in the cawing of the crow</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He seems to catch a sneer;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The cattle grazing in the field</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Awhile their lunch delay,</div>
-      <div class='line'>To gaze at him, who moves along</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In such a listless way.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Perhaps he’ll know a thousand griefs</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Ere death has laid him low.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Perhaps, beside an open grave,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He’ll shed the tear of woe;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Perhaps he’ll turn him from the sods</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That hide a mother’s face,</div>
-      <div class='line'>A father’s smile, a brother’s hand,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or sister’s buried grace;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But there can hardly come a time</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>When life will look so drear,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or can so little reason show</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Why he should linger here.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_175'>175</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>A NIGHT OF TERROR.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>I am not the oldest inhabitant, and don’t
-know what sort of storms they used to
-have here before the flood; but I’ll wager a
-corner lot against a plug of tobacco, that this
-section, for the last twenty years, has not
-snoozed through a rougher night than the one
-just past.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>It would have been a glorious night for a
-revivalist to stir up the masses. Converts
-would have crowded in like grists to a mill
-after harvest. Since the last great earthquake
-I have not felt so much concern about my
-future state as I did about twelve o’clock last
-night. I arose from bed, and went to rummaging
-books, trying to find the description
-of a storm that would equal ours. I found the
-tempest that Tam O’Shanter faced the night he
-discovered the witches, and the one in which
-King Lear was cavorting around, bare-headed,
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_176'>176</span>and that which made Cæsar take an account
-of stock and turn to interpreting dreams, and
-jumbled them all together; but the product
-was unequal to the fury that was raging without.
-There was no more similarity than a
-baby’s rattle bears to a Chinese gong.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p176.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>A ROUSING EVENT.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_177'>177</span>Then I fished out the storm that howled while
-Macbeth was murdering Duncan, and tumbled
-it in with the others. This addition made things
-about even. The “lamentations heard i’ the
-air” of Macbeth’s tempest were a fair precedent
-of the clamorous uproar from the fire bell
-in the City Hall tower. Only an earthquake
-was lacking to enable us to say, “The earth
-was feverous, and did shake,” or boast a night
-outvieing four of the roughest on record, all
-woven into one.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>It had one good effect, however—one for
-which poison and boot-jacks have been tried
-in vain: it did silence the dogs and cats. Their
-midnight carousals were as rare as they were in
-Paris just before the capitulation. Quarrelsome
-curs postponed the settlement of their little
-differences and defiant barks until such times
-as they would be able to discover themselves
-whether they barked or yawned, and cats
-sought other places besides a fellow’s window-sill
-to express opinions about each other or
-chant their tales of love.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I know the rain is refreshing, the wind purifying,
-the lightning grand, and the thunder
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_178'>178</span>awe-inspiring; but as the poor land-lubber
-advised, when he was clinging to the spar of
-the wrecked vessel, “Praise the sea, but keep
-on land,” so I say to those people who want to
-prick up their willing ears, like a war-horse, to
-catch the sublime rumble of heaven’s artillery,
-or sit by their window and blink at the blazing
-sky, like a bedazzled owl at a calcium light; but
-I know <em>one</em> individual who could have got along
-quite as well if there had raged no war of the
-elements. He would have slept soundly and
-never mourned for what he had lost.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>MY DRIVE TO THE CLIFF.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>I am wofully out of humor, and what is
-worse, out of pocket, and have just been
-settling a bill for repairs to a buggy which was
-knocked out of kilter on the Cliff House road
-the other day. At the present writing I feel
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_179'>179</span>that it will be some time before I take the
-chances of injuring another. The moon may
-fill her horn and wane again, the seals howl,
-and the ocean roar, but I will hardly indulge in
-the luxury of a drive to the beach for many a
-day to come. I had a couple of ladies with me.
-Splendid company ladies are—so long as they
-have unlimited confidence in your skill as a
-driver. But they try one’s patience after they
-lose faith, and want to get the lines in their own
-hands every time you chance to run a wheel
-into the ditch, or accidentally climb over a pig
-or calf. Those who were with me on that occasion
-are not particularly loud in their praise of
-my driving. The fact is, I didn’t acquit myself
-in a manner calculated to draw down encomiums
-in showers upon my head. I drove a span
-that day. They were called high-strung animals.
-But I don’t like high-strung horses any
-more. If they would only run along the track
-like a locomotive, I could hold the ribbons as
-gracefully as anybody; but I am very much
-opposed to all of their little by-plays. This
-getting scared at a floating thistle-down, or
-grasshopper swinging on a straw, is something
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_180'>180</span>I don’t approve of in a horse. There is no
-reason in it; no profit accrues from it.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>But my trotters were frightened at different
-objects at the same moment—one at a snail
-peacefully pursuing his way across the road,
-and the other at a butterfly winging his wabbling
-flight along the ditch. At once they became
-unmanageable, and vied with each other
-in extravagant antics. From the first the ladies
-had no very exalted opinion of my manner of
-handling the lines. Even before we were well
-under way I had the misfortune to run down a
-calf. Then a Newfoundland dog thought to
-stop the buggy by taking hold of one of the
-hubs, but he made a mis-dive, and shoving his
-head between the spokes, kept us company for
-twenty rods without any effort on his part whatever.
-I also ran over a wheelbarrow loaded
-with bricks (the Irishman escaped with a crushed
-hat), and overthrew an apple woman’s stand
-while turning a corner. I can yet hear ringing
-in my ear the shouts and execrations of the old
-vender, when she saw the wheels mounting her
-baskets and squeezing the cider out of her
-choicest bellflowers. Until I passed the next
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_181'>181</span>street I could look back and see the old lady in
-her embarrassing situation. There she sat,
-caught under the broken table, and kicking
-about wildly in frantic efforts to free herself,
-while her bonnet was knocked askew by the
-fall and stuck on one side of her head in the
-most jaunty position imaginable.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p181.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSING.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>At this point the horses became more frightened,
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_182'>182</span>and commenced cutting up strange didos.
-Things were getting badly mixed, so much so
-that one horse turned his head to the dasher.
-The ladies took a hurried view of the situation,
-and voting me an incompetent driver, began to
-desert me by back-action movements over the
-rear end of the buggy.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p182.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>BADLY MIXED.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_183'>183</span>I shall always think that I could have managed
-the animals without any difficulty if they
-had not both been frightened at the same time.
-But with one bucking like a Mexican plug,
-evidently bent on crawling under the buggy,
-and the other seemingly striving to reach the
-stars by an invisible ladder, they were indeed
-difficult to control.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>My companions concluded they had sufficient
-buggy riding for one day, and took the cars
-into town, while I patched up the harness as
-best I could, and returned to the livery stable,
-fully concurring with the women folks that as
-a driver I was not a success, and that hereafter
-promenades would suit me better.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p183.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_184'>184</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>SECOND SIGHT.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>A singular case of second sight occurred
-in the western part of the city last evening
-while I was there. An old Irishman named
-McSweegan, who lives in that locality, is the
-possessor of a multiplying pair of eyes. That
-is, they have the strange faculty of making two
-objects of one. This natural endowment is
-particularly distinguishable after he has been
-indulging freely in strong decoctions of old
-rye.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Yesterday he was attending a primary election,
-at which he expected to be brought before
-the public as a candidate for a fat local office.
-An influential friend had been intrusted with the
-highly important and vital mission of bringing
-his name before the delegates, for which service
-he was to receive some petty office if the election
-was effected. McSweegan stood back in
-a recess of the hall, hat in hand, impatiently
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_185'>185</span>waiting to hear the familiar name pronounced.
-In fancy, he already listened to the shout of
-applause that would follow his nomination. But
-he stood with a quiet smile and an attentive ear
-in vain. Candidate after candidate was announced,
-but the ancient and honorable name
-of McSweegan thrilled not his auricular nerves.
-The ticket was at last declared full, and he
-was not one of the happy number. His friend
-had played him false—to use a common expression,
-“had gone back on him,” and he was
-justly indignant.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>On his way home he took Lethean draughts
-in which to drown his trouble and keen disappointment,
-and by the time he reached his
-clap-board front was in capital condition for
-seeing double. The hour was late as he
-entered his house, but he found his industrious
-better half sitting at a table sewing by the
-flicker of a tallow candle. His red and multiplying
-optics were riveted by the wannish
-flame, which to him had the semblance of two
-well-defined and separate lights. This was an
-extravagance that he could not countenance.
-To have found his wife up at such a late hour
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_186'>186</span>would have been severe enough strain upon
-his already ruffled temper, for he had no wish
-to discuss the result of the “Primary.” But
-to find her needlessly consuming <em>two</em> candles
-showed a wastefulness on her part, evincing an
-utter disregard for the low condition of his
-exchequer. He was exceedingly provoked,
-and with a view of curtailing home expenses,
-attempted to puff out one of the flames.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p186.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE ECONOMIST SEEING DOUBLE.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_187'>187</span>After several ineffectual attempts, in which
-he scorched his whiskers and eyebrows, he
-succeeded, but found himself enveloped in
-Egyptian darkness. His rage increased. He
-at once accused his wife of blowing out the
-“other candle” through spite. Her contradictions
-only fanned his fury, and the performance
-ended by putting her out of the house
-and keeping her out all night—for which unhusbandly
-treatment she had him arrested, and
-he now languishes in the lock-up.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>THE THIEF.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='large'>R</span>ichard Roe was a thief, whose temptation to steal</div>
-      <div class='line'>Always grew more resistless when wanting a meal;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Once he entered a store, when no person was by,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Took a box of sardines, and attempted to fly;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But, although he could slope when occasion required,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Like a stag to a stream when the forest is fired,</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_188'>188</span>The scoundrel was spotted and nabbed at the door,</div>
-      <div class='line'>By officers Murphy, McMannus and Moore;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And away to the jail, midst a crowd you should see,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Went the thief, the sardines, and the officers three.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The next day came his hearing, and people were there</div>
-      <div class='line'>From all stations in life, on the prisoner to stare:</div>
-      <div class='line'>There were gamblers, street-pavers, stevedores, undertakers,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Ship-chandlers, brick-masons, and umbrella makers,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Corn-doctors, reporters, clerks, tailors, and teachers,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Fruit-peddlers, horse-trainers, clairvoyants, and preachers;</div>
-      <div class='line'>A few women also jammed in with the rest,</div>
-      <div class='line'>With their bonnets awry, and their clothing sore pressed,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And their uplifted faces, perspiring and red,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Full ear-deep in the back of some person ahead;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And like peas in a kettle, or bees in a hive—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Ever shifting position—so they were alive;</div>
-      <div class='line'>All impatiently wedging around in a stew,</div>
-      <div class='line'>In the hope they could better their chance for a view;</div>
-      <div class='line'>This one grumbling because some one crowded so near</div>
-      <div class='line'>That he shot his hot breath in the depths of his ear;</div>
-      <div class='line'>That one cursing because some one’s elbow so rude</div>
-      <div class='line'>On his ribs was inclined to encroach and intrude;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And another one howling and looking forlorn,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Just because some one trod on his favorite corn;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Over all the hoarse voice of the bailiff did wheeze:</div>
-      <div class='line'>“Order! order in the court, gentlemen, if you please!”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_189'>189</span>Six feet two, if an inch, and proportioned in size,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Stood the thief in the dock, when the clerk bid him rise;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And amongst all that crowd not a man could be found</div>
-      <div class='line'>With his shoulders so square and a physique so sound.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p189.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>RICHARD ROE, THE SARDINE THIEF.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>First, around on the lawyers and officers there</div>
-      <div class='line'>He defiantly gazed with a bold, brazen air;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And then, turning around, stared the Judge in the face,</div>
-      <div class='line'>As though <em>he</em> was the thief and the rogue in the case.</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_190'>190</span>The stern Judge ran his eyes the unmoved villain o’er,</div>
-      <div class='line'>From the crown of his head to his feet on the floor—</div>
-      <div class='line'>While the rogue seemed to study with critical care</div>
-      <div class='line'>The time-honored “Court,” with his thin crop of hair.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>For five minutes or more, it’s my candid belief</div>
-      <div class='line'>That the thief eyed the Judge, and the Judge eyed the thief;</div>
-      <div class='line'>As two rivals, long parted, in some foreign land</div>
-      <div class='line'>By mischance blown together, each other they scanned;</div>
-      <div class='line'>While there rose from the concourse no perceptible sound,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Not a whisper or yawn, even, circled around.</div>
-      <div class='line'>But a charnel-house calm o’er the room seemed to fall,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Till the flies could be heard on the plastering crawl—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Till beneath the rogue’s stare the Court’s visage grew red.</div>
-      <div class='line'>But down-choking his rising resentment, he said:—</div>
-      <div class='line'>“Richard Roe”—and he spoke quite emphatic and slow,</div>
-      <div class='line'>As though weighing each word before letting it go—</div>
-      <div class='line'>And inclined his head downward, as men often do</div>
-      <div class='line'>When they look over spectacles rather than through—</div>
-      <div class='line'>“Richard Roe, you have come to the surface once more,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Like the ghost to the feast of the monarch of yore;</div>
-      <div class='line'>I have lectured, imprisoned and fined you in vain—</div>
-      <div class='line'>You will still depredate, and confront me again.</div>
-      <div class='line'>From the door of the jail to the till of a store</div>
-      <div class='line'>There is simply one pace unto you, and no more;</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_191'>191</span>As the dog to his vomit, the sow to her mire,</div>
-      <div class='line'>You will glide, the born slave of your fiendish desire;</div>
-      <div class='line'>By my oath, it’s a sin, a disgrace, and a shame;</div>
-      <div class='line'>With your shoulders so broad, and so robust your frame,</div>
-      <div class='line'>With your arms like a Hercules, muscled and strong,</div>
-      <div class='line'>With your wind like a stag-hound’s, so perfect and long,</div>
-      <div class='line'>To earn a support you’re possessed of all means—</div>
-      <div class='line'>And yet you’ve been stealing a box of sardines.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p191.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE JUDGE.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“I have worked my way onward, year out and year in,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Among characters blackened and blistered with sin;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Amongst men I’d have quaked to have met in a lane,</div>
-      <div class='line'>As I would the arch demon, relieved of his chain;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But I’m frank to confess, and I’d state it as free</div>
-      <div class='line'>On a Bible as large as a bed, if need be,</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_192'>192</span>In my thirty years’ practice, on Bench or at Bar,</div>
-      <div class='line'>A thief more consummate and bold than you are</div>
-      <div class='line'>I have never encountered, in county or town,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Among whites, copper-colored, or greasers done brown;</div>
-      <div class='line'>You’re as prone to purloin as an eagle to fly,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or a salmon to swim, or a lover to sigh;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Not an esculent known, or utensil of use,</div>
-      <div class='line'>From a cantaloupe down to the quill of a goose,</div>
-      <div class='line'>From a tripe in the stall to a fowl in the coop,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But at some time or other in your life you did scoop.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And as if in assent, Richard Roe bowed his head,</div>
-      <div class='line'>While the Judge wiped his face, and continuing, said:</div>
-      <div class='line'>“Here so often, of late, you have taken the stand,</div>
-      <div class='line'>To give answer for larcenies, petty or grand,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That your face has become as familiar to all</div>
-      <div class='line'>The practitioners here as the clock on the wall;”</div>
-      <div class='line'>Here he pointed it out, and a glance at it threw;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And bold Richard turned round and regarded it too,</div>
-      <div class='line'>While full back to his ears a grim smile slowly broke,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For, despite his position, he relished the joke.</div>
-      <div class='line'>“I regret that our law draws the limiting line,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For it seems but a farce to impose a small fine,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or to send you below for a week or ten days,</div>
-      <div class='line'>To recline on a mat and hatch future forays.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“But since neither the gloom of the prison, nor fine,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Seems to work a reform in that bosom of thine,</div>
-      <div class='line'>I will try a new method—throw justice one side,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And appeal to your manhood, your honor, and pride;</div>
-      <div class='line'>It is said kindness conquers where knuckles will fail,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And a pardon may faster reform than the jail;</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_193'>193</span>Since the stock-raiser advocates crossing the breed,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And the farmer finds profit by changing the seed,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who can tell but a change may regenerate you—</div>
-      <div class='line'>So we offer you mercy where none is your due.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“Mr. Sheriff! release that purloiner! as free</div>
-      <div class='line'>As the wind that awakes the dull ocean, is he.</div>
-      <div class='line'>But, sir, hark! Richard Roe, ere you mix with the throng,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Take this friendly advice from one knowing you long:</div>
-      <div class='line'>And in future, whenever your stomach does feel</div>
-      <div class='line'>Like digesting a fish, take a rod, and a reel,</div>
-      <div class='line'>A few hooks, a fine line, and of gentles a few,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And go catch your own fry, as all good people do;</div>
-      <div class='line'>For you’ll find it more wholesome to follow a creek,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And there angle for trout seven days of the week,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Than to strive to obtain by unwarranted means</div>
-      <div class='line'>E’en a box of diminutive, oily sardines.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Subdued was bold Richard, he gazed in surprise,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And trembled, while tears welled fast from his eyes,</div>
-      <div class='line'>As he vowed that henceforth the right course he’d pursue;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And Roe is now honest, trustworthy, and true.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p193.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_194'>194</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>A STARTLING CAT-ASTROPHE.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“Methought I heard a voice cry, ‘Sleep no more.’”</div>
-      <div class='line in38'>—<em>Shakespeare.</em></div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Last night, soon after retiring, I was made
-aware of the exceedingly annoying fact
-that a pair of cats had selected the yard under
-my window for their trysting-place, and were
-behaving in a most demonstrative manner.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I have no objection to cats having their
-courtships as well as men; but I see no reason
-in their having such a hoodooing time over it,
-making night hideous with rascally yowls. There
-is, perhaps, nothing more aggravating in life
-than to have a little saucy spit-fire of a puss
-keep a whole community awake for hours
-together, because an admirer of hers happens to
-take a moonlight stroll on a neighboring fence.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The night wore on. Their inharmonious
-chants increased in volume and spirit. Considering
-the matter, I came to the conclusion
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_195'>195</span>that I would rather pay the fine imposed for
-shooting in the city limits than lose so many
-hours from needed rest.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I hastened to procure my shot-gun, determined
-to make a scattering amongst them, if
-nothing more. As I reached the casement, a
-bright flash from the window of an adjoining
-house, and a simultaneous patter of shot in the
-yard, informed me that some co-sufferer had
-taken the initiative in the good work of demolition;
-for though wrought to the highest pitch
-of ferocity, his nerves were steady and his aim
-was sure.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>He evidently hit them where their nine lives
-were centered, and they dropped as they stood
-when the fatal tube was leveled. In short—</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>They died as erring cats should die—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Without a kick, without a cry;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The faintest rustle in the chips,</div>
-      <div class='line'>A slight contraction of the lips,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Which brought the pointed teeth in sight,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And they had passed to endless night.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>Even as I write (ten o’clock <span class='fss'>A. M.</span>) they are
-lying in the yard as they fell, a terrible illustration
-of sudden transition from noisy debate to
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_196'>196</span>silent repose. There they lie, to compare small
-things with great, like a pair of shipwrecked
-lovers, who have clung to each other through
-fire and water, and at last have reached the
-wreck-strewed beach in body, but not in spirit.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The gentleman who owns the yard has just
-been out looking at them. After silently surveying
-the dead for a long time in silence, he walked
-away without disturbing them, pathetically murmuring
-the Latin motto, “<i><span lang="la" xml:lang="la">Requies-cat in pace.</span></i>”</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>A TRIP TO THE MOUNTAINS.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>I have been taking a flying trip over the
-Sierras about which the poet so mellifluously
-sings. There were many beautiful
-scenes presented during that trip, but abler
-pens than mine have described them fully, and
-have done them justice, so I will not attempt
-to set forth their various charms. It is not my
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_197'>197</span><em>forte</em>, anyway, and I am free to confess the
-fact. Enough for me to describe the excellent
-lunch which I had the good fortune to have
-along with me, and to speak plainly, I enjoyed
-it the most of anything I saw during my trip.
-It was no ordinary lunch, however. The back-bone
-of it was a nicely-roasted chicken, which
-reflected great credit upon both the poulterer
-and the kind-hearted young lady who volunteered
-to see it through the oven. Ah, that
-brisk little lady can prepare a dish fit to set
-before the gods. If that is not doing her justice,
-tell me what more can be said, and I will
-pile it higher. She is worthy of it.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The virtues of that fowl live in my memory
-yet. It was good. If you could meet an old
-lady that was a passenger in that car—not the
-one with the bunion on her left foot and the
-crockery teeth, who mistook me for a minister,
-but the mild old lady with glasses that sat
-opposite me—she would tell you the same.
-<em>She</em> knows. Bless her gentle heart! If she
-doesn’t, I would like to know who does. She
-partook of the fowl. I saw her looking wistfully
-upon it as I dismembered it, and, though
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_198'>198</span>I say it myself, I am not greedy, by any means,
-so I offered her the juicy neck. Did she take
-it? Ask, rather, if a cat that had fasted a
-week would take a mouse if she got between
-him and his hole? As old Shylock said, “Are
-you answered?” She was no novice at picking
-the neck of a fowl, either. She manipulated
-it in a manner that proved to me clearly
-she had a perfect knowledge of its construction.
-It was not long—perhaps ten seconds—before
-she had it picked as bare as a corkscrew.
-She did it with such ease, too; and that’s what
-got me. She kept it revolving as rapidly as a
-squirrel does the cylinder in his cage. She had
-but one front tooth left in her upper jaw. The
-intelligent mind will no doubt immediately
-picture forth a <em>long</em> tooth; and the intelligent
-mind, in so doing, portrays the incisor correctly.
-It was, indeed, a long tooth, but it was
-just the thing she needed for the business
-before her. It seemed to be specially made
-for it, as it fitted into every depression or notch
-in the neck as nicely as a key into a lock. It
-ran around between the vertebræ like a turner’s
-chisel, throwing the small particles of nutriment
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_199'>199</span>far back against the roof of her mouth. It did
-me good to see her play around that fowl’s
-neck. I grew young again while beholding the
-busy scene, and actually regretted that a
-chicken did not have two necks, as well as
-two legs, that I might repeat the generous
-donation, and see the pleasing scene enacted
-again. As it was, I won golden opinions from
-the old lady.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p199.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>NECK TO NECK.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_200'>200</span>A stout German woman who sat near by
-also seemed to be looking upon the chicken
-as though she would like to help me make
-away with it. With that magnanimity which
-was ever my peculiar characteristic, I severed
-the pope’s nose from the trunk and proffered
-her the delicious morsel, when, to my utter
-astonishment and confusion, she whipped out
-of her pocket a big bologna sausage the size
-of a stuffed club, and shook it triumphantly in
-my face, so close that it might have greased the
-end of my nose. She actually scouted the idea.
-Independent, proud and self-sustaining, these
-Germans, and no mistake. She evidently felt
-insulted, and delivered herself of a long essay
-in the German tongue. She was undoubtedly
-giving me to understand that she was able to
-furnish grists for her own mill. Of course
-that is what she meant. I could tell that by
-the way she flourished the bologna, and pointed
-to her mouth and stomach. I expected she was
-about to whack me over the jaw with the singular looking
-weapon, and prepared to dodge
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_201'>201</span>on the shortest possible notice. But she didn’t.
-As if to madden me, she commenced eating
-the sausage in a hasty, excited manner, taking
-about two inches at a bite. What could I do?
-What did I do? Why, let her eat it, of course;
-it was none of my business. I had no objection,
-so long as she didn’t choke, and render it
-necessary for me to pat her upon the back,
-which I certainly thought I would have to do
-before she finished her meal.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>You may be sure I offered no more chicken
-to any person after that, but picked the bones
-as bare as pen-holders. If she liked bologna
-better than a choice piece of fowl, it was her
-fault, not mine. I washed my hands of the
-whole affair.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I stopped a few hours at a mill in the mountains,
-and while there witnessed an amusing
-incident. There was a small pipe leading from
-the engine, and projecting through the side of
-the building close to the ground. Through this
-pipe the waste water was conveyed from the
-engine, and at the end of it quite a puddle or
-drain had been formed, about a foot in width
-and eight or ten feet in length. The constant
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_202'>202</span>dripping from the pipe kept the water warm,
-and from it a steam was continually rising.
-There were several Indian camps in the vicinity
-of the mill, and as wood was rather scarce, the
-squaws belonging to the camps were in the
-habit of congregating around this warm drain
-when the cold weather numbed their poorly
-protected limbs. It was not an unusual thing to
-see half a dozen coming down the hill to squat
-beside the drain, and there sit for hours discussing
-the current topics of the day, enjoying
-at the same time the luxury of a cheap steam
-bath.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>There were a couple sitting at the drain in
-this innocent manner while I was at the mill.
-I called the engineer’s attention to the capital
-opportunity that lay before him to give them a
-surprise that would be fun to behold. This he
-could do by simply turning a gauge cock and
-allowing the steam to go out with a rush upon
-the squatting pair. The engineer was a sober
-sort of man, not at all given to humor, and not
-inclined to take advantage of the opportunity.
-But when I informed him that I represented an
-illustrated paper and wanted to make a stirring
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_203'>203</span>sketch of the scene, he consented for my benefit.
-As he went to comply with my suggestion, I
-moved to the window to see how the squaws
-would enjoy it. I had hardly reached my position
-when the steam shot along the surface of the
-water like smoke from the muzzle of a rifle. At
-the same instant the gentle savages shot at least
-four feet into the air, in the most extravagant
-positions imaginable. Until that moment I
-would not have believed the human form could
-assume such strange attitudes on such short
-notice. If I had not been intently gazing upon
-the pair as they sat chatting sociably over the
-drain, and had my eyes riveted upon them as
-they shot aloft, I could hardly have thought the
-two dark figures performing such grotesque evolutions
-in mid air were indeed human beings.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p203.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>STEAM LET ON.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_204'>204</span>The steam was harmless, as it had to go quite
-a distance before escaping, but the squaws didn’t
-understand anything about that, you know. No
-person had enlightened their untutored minds
-upon that point, and they didn’t sit there very
-long in order to ascertain; for the sake of the
-squaws, however, let us hope that it was. One
-thing they evidently <em>did</em> feel certain about, and
-that was that something had broken loose, and
-that, too, at a very inopportune moment. The
-thought that followed close upon the heels of
-the other was to change their position in the
-shortest possible time. If they both had been
-shot into the air out of one mortar they could
-hardly have shown greater concert of action.
-If there was any difference in their sensitiveness
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_205'>205</span>or agility, the one farthest from the pipe seemed
-to claim the superiority, for, as near as I could
-judge, she was first to spring aloft. The back
-of one was towards me, and the face of the
-other. Though quite a distance from them, I
-could distinguish the white eyes of the latter
-standing out as prominently as a pair of silver-headed
-nails in the end of a mahogany coffin.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>It may be argued that this was a mean trick.
-It may even be said that it was a sinful act. I
-admit all this; nay, more, it may be that I will
-have to answer for it hereafter, when you, and
-they, and all of us, have ceased to be interested
-in things pertaining to the flesh; but in the face
-of this supposition, I must still adhere to the
-original assertion that it was indeed an amusing
-incident, and will go further and say that as yet
-I have not been brought down to that perfect
-state of repentance where I could sincerely say
-that I regretted having been the instigator of
-the deed.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I never learned whether the squaws returned
-to the drain again, but, judging from the way
-they hustled over the hill in the direction of
-their camp, I am inclined to think not.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_206'>206</span>While coming down the river there was quite
-an excitement on board, on account of the
-steamer grounding suddenly upon the “Hog’s
-Back.” She was running pretty fast at the
-time, and the sudden stop threw several passengers
-off their feet, and for a few moments
-all was confusion. I was partly disrobed at the
-time, and the first thought that entered my mind
-was that we had collided with some schooner
-on its way up the river. Before leaving, a
-gentleman placed a lady and two small children
-in my charge, and my first act was to run to the
-state-room in which they were. I found the
-lady preparing for rest, but the children were
-already in bed. Without much ceremony, I
-seized a child in each hand, and bidding the
-lady to follow, started to deposit them near the
-davits, that they might be handy to throw into
-the boats in case we were compelled to take to
-them.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_207'>207</span>
-<img src='images/p207.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>“BLOW ME UP!”</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>While hastening through the cabin I was confronted
-by a terrified woman in her nightclothes,
-who jumped out of her state-room as
-I was passing the door. In her hands she
-grasped the nozzle of a large life preserver,
-which she had buckled around her, and which
-only needed to be inflated with wind to make
-her comparatively safe. No sooner did she see
-me than she commenced dancing frantically
-around me in the most insane manner, at the
-same time shouting with all the strength of her
-voice: “Blow me up! blow me up! for the love
-of heaven, Mister, blow me up!” But I had
-enough to do at that moment without stopping
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_208'>208</span>to “blow her up.” Besides, I didn’t know but
-I might have to swim to the shore, and would,
-consequently, need what little wind I could
-muster to bear me through the task. Before
-proceeding far, however, I met the mate, who
-told me to put the children back in bed and go
-soak my head, or do anything that would keep
-me from making an unmitigated fool of myself,
-with which kindly suggestion I meekly complied.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p208.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_209'>209</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>AN IMPATIENT UNDERTAKER.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Now and then we come across a scoundrel,
-an inhuman wretch, of such magnitude
-that we are inclined, like Bassanio, to waver in
-our faith, and hold opinion with Pythagoras,
-that being the only hypothesis by which we are
-enabled to account for their being possessed of
-such brutish natures. For example: An undertaker
-was pointed out to me to-day who follows
-so close in the wake of death that he quite often
-appears in advance of the grim leveler, and
-secures, if possible, the job of burying the body
-while yet the person is alive, much as he would
-bespeak a quarter of beef of his neighbor before
-the animal was butchered. This individual heard
-that a man was about to die in the County
-Hospital, and learning that the only friend of
-the sick man was about to leave the city, he
-hunted him up and solicited the job of performing
-the last sad rites for his friend when death
-should have gathered him in.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_210'>210</span>The request was unthinkingly granted, and
-sufficient money to cover the expenses of the
-burial was placed in the hands of a third party,
-who was to pay it to the undertaker when
-the obsequies were performed. The man of
-coffins departed, smiling over his success. The
-only thing that remained now between him and
-a fat profit was the man’s life; but this was only
-a slim barrier and likely to fall at every breath
-of air. He paid semi-daily visits to the hospital
-to learn how the disease was developing.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Each morning as he arose and looked out
-upon the cold fog hanging over the city, he
-rubbed his hands with delight, and chuckled as
-he thought how impossible it would be for the
-sick man to live through such a disagreeable
-day. “It’s not in the nature of the disease to
-allow it,” he argued. “If he is not gone already,
-he will be as stiff as a piston-rod before
-ten o’clock, or I am no judge of cause and
-effect.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>But somehow the last thread of life was
-indeed a tough one, and held out wonderfully.
-One, two and three days dragged by, and still
-the invalid’s cough waked the echoes of the
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_211'>211</span>corridors and halls of the hospital. This annoyed
-the anxious undertaker terribly.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“What if he should recover, and cheat me
-out of the money, after all?” thought he, as he
-sat in his gloomy office and gazed about upon
-the coffins standing on their ends around the
-room.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Then his small gray eyes lingered longer
-upon the cheap burial case in the corner—which
-he thought would about fit the man in the
-hospital. “There’s no use of this delay,” he
-muttered to himself. “There must be some
-outside influence brought to bear upon him,
-and that immediately, or the fellow may linger
-along through the whole winter, and keep the
-money lying idle that is now almost within my
-reach.” Taking a tape measure in his pocket,
-he repaired at once to the hospital, and gained
-admittance to the sick man’s room.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The poor fellow was lying apparently in the
-last stages of that deceptive disease, consumption.
-But instead of thinking he was so far
-gone that his obsequies had actually commenced,
-he was promising himself long, happy years of
-life and usefulness. The unfeeling scoundrel
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_212'>212</span>approached the bed and deliberately proceeded
-to measure the poor fellow for his last outfit, in
-the meantime keeping up a sort of rattling conversation,
-like the following: “Hello! old boy;
-so you’re going to peg out, eh? Well, it’s a
-road that sooner or later we’ve all got to travel;
-so there’s no use of a feller making any bones
-over it. Rather young, though, to have to
-stiffen out; without even having the pleasure
-of being married—there won’t be no such
-enjoyment where you’re going, the Scripture
-tells us. There—that’s a good fellow; stretch
-out full length, so that I can get a correct measure.
-If there is anything I do dislike it is to
-see a corpse stuck into a coffin that’s too short
-by a few inches. I would rather pinch a fellow
-a little in width than in length, ’cause it
-doesn’t cripple a corpse up so bad. There—that’s
-it to a dot; five feet nine and a quarter,
-with half an inch allowed for the stretching out
-of the joints just as you are going off. You
-know a fellow elongates a little about that time,
-so I always make some allowance when I measure
-a live man for his coffin. Now for the
-depth, my hearty! Jerusalem! a general caving
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_213'>213</span>in all along the line, eh? Why, you’re as flat as
-a griddle-cake. Ah! that consumption is the
-thing that plays hob with a fellow! it <em>is</em>, my
-boy, there’s no use denying it. It scoops a person
-out mighty quick, I can tell you. Four and
-three-quarters—four and a-half—pinch measurement.
-Why, blow me, if it doesn’t seem
-like a waste of material to give you the standard
-depth. If it wasn’t for your long feet I would
-be inclined to shallow a little on you, old boy!
-Let me think now,—why, what a numbskull I
-am, to be sure: I can twist your feet crosswise
-a little, and make a go of it like a charm; but
-hold on,—no, I can’t do it after all, for there’s
-your nose sticking up at t’other end, and it
-wouldn’t hardly be doing the fair thing by you
-to twist your head around ear up, for the sake
-of saving a few inches of material, no sir e-e. I
-wouldn’t do that sort of thing to the deadest
-corpse I ever screwed a lid over; I’ll do the
-fair thing by a man, be he dead or living,
-though it should keep me poor. I can give
-you the juvenile handles, though, for you
-don’t weigh any more than a Cape Ann codfish.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p213.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>BUSINESS IS BUSINESS.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_214'>214</span>“You’re going off the reel at a favorable time,
-too, for I’ve been wishing for a chance to give
-my light team an airing, for some time. Old
-Skidamadink over on Market street, I hear, is
-going to take out a stiff one to-morrow afternoon
-also, and no doubt he will be trying to forge
-ahead of me the way he did yesterday when I
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_215'>215</span>had the spavined grays along; but he’ll find out
-that he has got to limber up a little differently
-when Moll and Kate are stuck in his flank. He
-wouldn’t have shook me off yesterday, if I hadn’t
-that soggy old sea captain aboard. He seemed
-to grow heavier the longer I kept him. If there
-is any one thing I dislike more than another it
-is a pussy corpse. It is bad enough to have a
-fat person about you while living, but when they
-come to peter out it’s worse,—you can’t chuck
-them under the ground too quick. I had the old
-emblem of mortality packed away in an ice chest
-for three weeks, waiting for his wife to come
-down from the Mountains to attend the funeral,
-but she finally sent down word that she had got
-married again, and if she knew the duties of a
-wife—and she thought she did—her place was
-alongside of a living husband rather than traipsing
-after a dead one. Oh! these women are
-terribly slippery sweetmeats the world over.
-How fast they get over anything, crying one
-minute and singing the next. Well, well, I often
-wonder whether they have the genuine feeling
-that we men have.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Well, business is business. There—now let
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_216'>216</span>me fold your arms across until I get the width;
-so we go, so we go, steady, there you are, that’s
-it, that’s the posish; natural and easy as death
-itself. Whew! there it is again, never knew it
-to fail, follows as naturally as the fruit does the
-blossom; broad across the shoulders, sure sign
-of consumption; show me a person broader at
-the shoulders than at the hips and I will show
-you an individual that is not long for this world;
-never knew a person of that build that didn’t die
-of consumption; never, sir; bound to cave, no
-getting around or climbing over it; might as
-well be knocked in the head at birth, for they are
-sure to go some time.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Well, time is crowding, I must be off, as I’ve
-got to rustle around in order to have things
-ready for you. I’ll expect to find you over your
-troubles in the morning, so I’ll say good-bye now,
-while you can appreciate it.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Thus did the inhuman scoundrel rattle along
-while his poor victim lay paralyzed with fear;
-hope, at every word uttered by the monster,
-deserting his breast, and despair usurping the
-vacant seat. With gaping mouth and wide open
-eyes he watched each movement of the undertaker.
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_217'>217</span>His face seemed to be all eyes as he
-stared at the bustling trader in death.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The hope of the visitor was, that a speedy
-death would follow this disconsolate harangue;
-but happy to relate, patients sometimes recover
-after doctors have devoted them to the yew-tree
-shade; and strange as it may seem, the patient
-in question suddenly improved, as though frightened
-by the undertaker into health instead of
-into his coffin.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The next day he sat up in bed. On the
-second he sat by the window. The third day he
-took an airing on the veranda, and passed the
-time of day with the undertaker who happened
-to be going by. In ten days he took his carpetbag
-in his hand and bade good-bye to both
-doctors and undertaker, and started to join his
-friend in the country.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p217.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div><span class='pageno' id='Page_218'>218</span></div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p218.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div>
-  <h2 class='c004'>SERMON ON A PIN.</h2>
-</div>
-
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='large'>G</span>ive me that simple shining pin,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>So worthless in your hand,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Here on my desk a place to win</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And as a lesson stand.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Think you no moral may be found</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In such a common thing?</div>
-      <div class='line'>That Fancy will not hover ‘round</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And apt allusions bring?</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The Poet, with observing eyes,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Saw sermons in a stone;</div>
-      <div class='line'>So in this pin a sermon lies,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of philosophic tone.</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_219'>219</span>We see it first, where placed in rows,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The pins lie side and side;</div>
-      <div class='line'>So children, wrapped in sweet repose,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In peaceful homes reside.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Soon from the rest it travels west,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or east, by land or sea;</div>
-      <div class='line'>So loving households part in quest</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of pleasure, fame or fee.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Observe it well, with sober mind;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The head, you see, is flat;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Thus many heads in life you’ll find,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Beneath a stylish hat.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>When new, how perfect, straight and neat,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>How finished, and how sound;</div>
-      <div class='line'>So stands the upright man complete,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With virtues circled ‘round.</div>
-      <div class='line'>It has a point, and mission, too,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>’Tis seldom made in vain;</div>
-      <div class='line'>So men should have a point in view</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>If they would glory gain.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>If wrongly placed ‘twill mar your thought,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>When one would fain be still;</div>
-      <div class='line'>So man, if badly bred or taught,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Will treat his neighbor ill.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Its life of constant service tends</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To keep it clean and bright;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Thus men are kept, my loving friends,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>By application, right.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_220'>220</span>’Tis polished, like a sword or spear,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And in the light will shine;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Thus men of learning do appear,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Where wit and sense combine.</div>
-      <div class='line'>It moves around from coat to dress,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As trouble one befalls;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Thus men should hearken to distress,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And go where duty calls.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>It oft assists to hide one’s shame</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Till needles can repair;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Thus should it be the Christian’s aim</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To cover faults with care.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>If once ’tis sprung, ‘twill bend each day,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And is no longer true;</div>
-      <div class='line'>So thus in life, one step astray</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Will often lead to two.</div>
-      <div class='line'>When bent, and blunt, and black at last,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Who stoops to lift the pin?</div>
-      <div class='line'>So thus the crowds do hurry past</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The crooked slave of sin.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p220.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_221'>221</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>DUDLEY’S FIGHT WITH THE TEXAN.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>The poor cur, kicked and scalded during the
-day, at night can lie and lick his sores in
-peace. The scudding hare that can hold out
-ahead of the baying beagles, until black Hecate
-waves her wand between the hunters and the
-hunted, may hope to shake them off. The
-aeronaut, tiring of the clamor here below, can
-rise above the busy haunts of men and hold
-sweet communion with the gods in quiet. But
-I, alas, find no escape from the inexorable
-plague, “Jim Dudley.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>He comes upon me like a thief in the night
-and mars my rest. Within the holy sanctuary
-even, he whispers in mine ear. Through the
-busy marts and thoroughfares he haunts me
-still; and tells of fights and hair-breadth escapes,
-with all the glibness of an old battle-scarred
-veteran who has primed his firelock in
-three campaigns. He talks of drawing deadly
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_222'>222</span>weapons as a dentist would of drawing teeth.
-In all likelihood the fellow never drew a weapon
-in his life, except, perhaps, at a raffle. I had
-long noticed a scar on “Jim’s” forehead, but
-never ventured to ask him how he got it, fearing
-a story would follow. Last night he detected
-me looking inquiringly, and without any query
-on my part the following infliction fell upon
-me:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“You see that scar that looks somethin’ like
-a wrinkle, over my left eyebrow, don’t ye?
-Wal, you can’t guess how I come by that. Cow
-kicked me? No, not by a long chalk, nor a
-hoss nuther. I got that scar the summer I was
-gwine through Texas. I’ll not forget how I got
-it nuther in a hurry, for I never did have sech a
-narrow dodge since the night dad’s old house
-burned down and I got out through the cellar
-drain.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I was travelin’ towards the border of Texas,
-gwine away back of Waco, and arter I got as
-far as cars would take me I set out on hossback.
-One evenin,’ jest as I was gettin’ into a small
-village, my hoss got one of his legs into a hole
-in the road, and fallin’ over, broke it snap off
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_223'>223</span>below the knee. I felt mi’ty bad over it,
-because I didn’t have any too much money
-about me; but I had to leave him thar and go
-into the village on foot, carryin’ the saddle
-along, for I cal’lated to git another animal the
-next day and continue my journey. I put up
-for the night at a small hotel, and thar was quite
-a number of fellers a settin’ around the bar-room
-talkin’; but amongst ’em was one big, ugly-looking
-villain, with a glass eye that was continewally
-droppin’ out and rollin’ across the floor
-like a marble. Pupil up and pupil down, it
-would move along under chairs and tables, the
-most comical lookin’ thing you ever sot eyes
-on. He would walk after the truant, glarin’
-around with the other eye as though watchin’
-to see if anybody was laughin’ at him. Then
-he would pick it up and chuck it back into his
-head ag’in, as if it was a pipe that had dropped
-out of his mouth.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He seemed to be a bully amongst ’em, for
-when any of the other fellows went to pass they
-circled around him, somethin’ like a woman
-around a hoss standin’ on the sidewalk. I
-judged by that they were skeered of him, and
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_224'>224</span>didn’t want to git anywhere near his corns lest
-they might accidentally touch ’em.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p224.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>BILL AFTER HIS GLASS EYE.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I sat thar watchin’ of him for some time,
-and at last, while he was leanin’ on the counter
-beatin’ time with his fingers on top of it, a
-feller come in and called for somethin’ to drink.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The bar-tender gin him the bottle and he
-poured out a drink and left the glass settin’ on
-the counter, while he turned around to drop his
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_225'>225</span>quid of terbacker. As he was doin’ it the big,
-bully-lookin’ customer h’isted the glass, drained
-it right thar, and smacked and licked his lips
-arter it as though wishin’ thar was more of it,—somethin’
-like a young widder arter ye give her
-a kiss.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The feller that ordered the drink turned
-back, wipin’ his mouth, gettin’ ready to swaller.
-When he see the empty glass he riz up sort of
-indignantly, and was agwine to say or do somethin’,
-but when he see who it was, he changed
-his mind pooty sudden, and settlin’ down about
-six inches, turned around and jest slid away
-easy like out of the room. As he was gwine
-out I could see his ears looked as though they
-were freezin’, for they were gettin’ whiter and
-whiter as he moved along down the steps. As
-I was thinkin’ about it, a ministerial-lookin’
-man come edgin’ up to me and ses:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘You’re a stranger in this quarter, I believe,
-and let me gin you a little advice; it may prove
-valuable to ye before you git away from yer.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Why, what’s the matter?’ I asked, wonderin’
-what he was comin’ at, ‘have you got the
-smallpox in the house?’ I contin’ed.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_226'>226</span>“‘Smallpox!’ he answered. ‘Wuss nor
-that, stranger; for the love of peace,’ he contin’ed,
-‘keep clear of that feller at the counter.
-Let him hev his way. You mout as well undertake
-to cross a crater as him in any of his bullyin’
-tantrums. Now mind I’m tellin’ ye. If
-his eye falls out, don’t laugh at it, don’t betray
-yer emotions.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘If he steps on yer corns, take it as if old
-Jupiter hisself had reached down his foot and
-trod on ye, and you’ll come out of it better than
-if you <em>did</em> object, a mi’ty sight.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Who is he?’ I inquired.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Why, that’s Bill Cranebow,—Glass-eyed
-Bill, they call him. He’s had more fights over
-that glass eye of his’n than ever a dog had
-over a sheep’s shank.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Everybody’s afeared of him. They hate
-him wuss than a lawyer does a peacemaker.
-No one who knows him wants to undertake the
-job of gettin’ away with him; they’d ruther let
-it out to strangers. Oh! he’s lightnin’ at a
-fight, for all he looks so clumsy. What the
-butcher is with the cleaver, that Glass-eyed Bill
-is with the bowie-knife. He knows jest where
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_227'>227</span>to strike to open a jint or git betwixt two ribs.
-You’d think to see him at it, he had practiced
-for twenty years with some old doctor, by the
-way he can disarrange the “house we live in,”
-as the poet ses.’</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id004'>
-<img src='images/p227.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE MINISTERIAL LOOKING MAN.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Wal, that’s sort of curious,’ I ses; ‘ain’t
-thar no person around this section that has had
-any experience at the cuttin’ business? He’s
-only human, I reckon. If he gits a poke between
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_228'>228</span>wind and water he’s as likely to wilt as
-anybody else, isn’t he?’ I ses, jokin’ly, jest that
-way.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Thunder and mud!’ exclaimed the ministerial-lookin’
-man. ‘You’ve bin used to fightin’
-with women, I reckon. Lose his strength?
-You mout as well try to kill the strength of a
-red pepper cuttin’ it up, as that feller. Why,
-I’ve seen that Glass-eyed Bill in some of his
-fights yer, when he was so cut and slashed
-apart that you could see his in’ards workin’ like
-a watch. And I’ll be called a down east noodle,
-if he didn’t stand up to his work like a barber
-until he got through with his man. He likes to
-fight in a dark room best, though, ’cause thar’s
-no chance of gittin’ on the blind side of him
-thar; and the landlord not long ago fixed up
-one on purpose to accommodate him, he had so
-much fightin’ to do. He’ll work a quarrel out
-of the least thing. Laughin’ at his eye rollin’
-off is as certain a way of gettin’ into trouble as
-runnin’ ag’inst a wasp’s nest.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Though he smokes like a coalpit himself, I
-knowed him to pick a quarrel with a young
-Georgian and kill him, because he happened to
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_229'>229</span>send a whiff of smoke in the direction whar he
-was settin’. Ever since that, whenever he
-comes into the room, you’ll see the fellers
-a-pluckin’ and a-snappin’ thar pipes out of thar
-mouths and crammin’ ’em into thar pockets or
-under thar coat-tails—anywhere to git ’em out
-of sight, like boys who are jest learnin’ the
-habit when they sight thar dad a-comin’ along.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Take my advice and keep away from him,
-for he’s dead certain to pick a muss with
-strangers, as they ginnerally resent his insults.
-Plague on him!’ he contin’ed, ‘I wish he’d go
-away from the door, I want to git out; but it’s
-not good policy to go a-scrougin’ past him
-while he’s lookin’ so alfired glum.’ With that
-the old man went quietly over to a cheer in the
-corner and sat down—somethin’ the same as a
-monkey does when a larger one is dropped into
-the cage.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I went to bed pooty early that night, as I
-was plaguey tired. In the mornin’ I learned
-thar had been a fight in the dark room betwixt
-Glass-eyed Bill and a Tuscaloosan. Bill, as
-usual, had killed his man. I began to wonder
-whether I’d git into some scrape or another
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_230'>230</span>before I’d leave, and as there was to be an
-auction sale of horses and mules that mornin’
-right thar at the hotel, I concluded to make a
-purchase and git away as soon as possible.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I bid two or three times on horses, but they
-run ’em up too high. At last they fetched out
-a big mule, and thinkin’ that would be jest the
-thing, I went for him pooty strong, and succeeded
-in gettin’ him. Glass-eyed Bill had
-bin settin’ on the door-step thar, and didn’t seem
-to be takin’ any part in the biddin’; but when I
-went to lead the mule off, he hollered:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Whar are ye a-gwine with that critter?
-Leave him standin’ thar, please; I kin attend
-to him myself, I reckon.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Wal,’ ses I, jest slow and easy, that way,
-for I wanted to keep down my rizin’ temper,
-knowin’ what I was when I got mad, ‘if I’m any
-judge of auctioneerin’, the mule is mine, and I
-cal’late to lead him away when and whar I
-please.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Just then the same old ministerial-lookin’
-man come chuckin’ and pullin’ at my coat, and
-ses he, ‘I’m takin’ ruinous risks in speakin’ to
-ye now,’ he ses; ‘but I tell ye again, don’t
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_231'>231</span>cross him; let him have the mule, or you’ll
-expire quicker than a spark when it drops into
-a b’ilin’ pot. He doesn’t want the mule no
-more than a husband wants two mothers-in-law;
-but he’s jest pinin’ to git ye into a muss, and he
-doesn’t see any way of doin’ it without he disputes
-the mule with ye. Let him have it, or
-it’ll be wuss for ye; now mind what I’m tellin’
-ye.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘No, I’ll be shot if I will!’ I answered.
-‘He ain’t a-gwine to wipe his hoofs on me until—arter
-I’m dead, anyhow.’ And with that I
-began to move away with the critter, when
-Glass-eyed Bill jumped up from whar he was
-settin’ and shouted pooty snappishly like, ‘Hold
-on thar! drop that rope, unless you want to
-collapse so quick that one-half of ye will be in
-etarnity before the other half knows thar’s anythin’
-amiss.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘On what groun’s do ye claim the critter?’
-I asked, jest a-b’ilin’ inside, but keepin’ sort of
-cool outwardly.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Words doesn’t amount to a woman’s
-sneeze in settlin’ a matter of this kind,’ answered
-old Glass-eye.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_232'>232</span>“‘What does, then?’ I inquired, quite innocent
-like, as though I didn’t know what he
-meant; though I did know sure enuff what he
-was drivin’ at.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘This does!’ he answered, rizin’ up and
-puttin’ his hand behind him, as I do now, and
-jerkin’ out a rippin’ great knife about as big as the
-colter of a plow. ‘That’s the sort of a thing to
-settle disputes with. No gentleman will argue
-a case while he’s got an arbiter like that to leave
-it to,’ he contin’ed, a-slappin’ it down flatways
-into the palm of his left hand as he spoke, and
-bringin’ an echo from an old barn that stood
-near.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I see the bystanders began to turn pale as
-whitewashed chimneys, and commenced lookin’
-at the ground as though huntin’ for straws or
-splinters to pick thar teeth with, but they only
-wanted some excuse to git away.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Supposin’ I should pull out a knife about
-seventeen inches and a half long,’ I ses, jest that
-way, ‘what then?’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘It’s jest exactly the thing I want to see,’ he
-answered quickly. ‘A young mother was never
-more tickled when she discovered the fust tooth
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_233'>233</span>a-peepin’ out of her young un’s gums, than I
-am when I see a knife comin’ out of its sheath
-in a feller’s hand.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Wal, I reckon you must have been brought
-up in a fightin’ settlement,’ I ses, jest like that,
-for I couldn’t hardly keep from jokin’, he seemed
-so amazin’ eager.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Come, which’ll ye do? gin up the mule or
-fight? You’ve got to do one or t’other,’ he ses,
-impatiently, as he stooped to pick up his glass
-eye, which jest then dropped out and was a-rollin’
-under the hoss trough.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Wal,’ I ses, ‘I ain’t perticularly stuck arter
-fightin’, but it’s bad enough for a feller to squirt
-his terbacker juice onto you, without wantin’ to
-rub it in; and if it’ll be any accommodation to
-ye, I’ll fight fust and then take the mule arterwards.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Enough sed,’ he answered, just short that
-way; and then turnin’ to the landlord who was
-standin’ in the door, he asked, ‘Is the dark room
-ready for use?’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘No, not quite, he answered; ‘thar’s some
-pieces of that long Tuscaloosan lyin’ around in
-thar yet, I believe, but I’ll attend to removin’
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_234'>234</span>them right away,’ and he started off with a
-bucket and dust-pan.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p234.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>STARTLING DISCLOSURES.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“So we all went into the bar-room, and staid
-round thar waitin’ until the place would be prepared.
-While we were thar, Glass-eyed Bill
-pulled out his knife, and commenced to draw it
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_235'>235</span>backwards and forwards over his boot-leg, as
-though to git a fine edge on it.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Wal, you can whet your great scythe blade,’
-I ses to myself, kind of low that way, for I allowed
-he was doin’ it to skeer me. ‘It ain’t allers the
-longest horned cow that does the most hookin’.
- my old terbacker shaver has got p’int
-enough on it to inaugurate a new passage to the
-interior if it <em>won’t</em> cut a har.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Arter a while he leaned over to a feller
-that sat by the table, and while runnin’ his
-thumb sort of feelin’ly along the edge of the
-knife, he ses: ‘The man I bought this from in
-Galveston assured me it was the best of steel;
-but he lied, I reckon, for I turned the edge of it
-last night on that long Tuscaloosan’s ribs. Yet
-that’s not to be much wondered at, arter all, for
-I do believe he had as many ribs as a snake. I
-thought I never would succeed in gettin’ the
-blade betwixt ’em. Arter I got him down in
-the corner and his knife away from him, I commenced
-jabbin’ at his armpit, and I prospected
-the hull way down to his kidney, before I could
-git in far enough to let his dinner loose.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Gewillikins! When I heered him talkin’ like
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_236'>236</span>that, didn’t I begin to squirm and fidget around
-on my cheer! I wished then I had never seen
-the place, more especially the long-eared mule.
-But I see I was in for it, as the boy said when
-he got his head stuck in the cream jar. Thar
-was no way of gittin’ out without comin’ right
-down to beggin’ off, and I was too consumin’
-proud to do that, you know, if I was sartain of
-bein’ cut up into as many pieces as a boardin’-house
-pie.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Jest then the landlord came back and sed
-the room was ready, but remarked that it was
-a leetle slippery yet. He sed, for a lean man he
-never did see a feller that had so much blood
-into him as that Tuscaloosan had. Beckonin’
-me to the counter he ses:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘You mout as well settle your bill now
-before you go in thar; it may be more satisfactory
-to you to have the settlin’ of your own
-affairs, and it’ll save me the trouble of huntin’
-over your effects arter you’re dead.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘All right,’ I ses, ‘now, if you say so; but
-it’s ginnerally admitted that sure things sometimes
-git mi’ty slippery all to wunst, and perhaps
-somebody’s goggles may prove blue in
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_237'>237</span>the mornin’ that were bought for green uns
-at night.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I didn’t want to let any of ’em think I was
-skeered, though, by jingo! I felt sartin of bein’
-minced up, and the cold chills were jest streakin’
-all over me.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“So we started for the room, which was about
-twelve feet square and dark as pitch.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The landlord held the door open until we
-were in opposite corners with our knives out.
-Then he shut and locked it and left us to work
-out our own salvation, as the missionary did the
-South Sea Islanders when he overheerd ’em
-talkin’ about the best way of cookin’ him the
-next mornin’.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Wasn’t it dark in thar though? and still?
-you could have heered a lizard a-breathin’ in
-thar, it was so quiet.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I allowed Glass-eyed Bill was expectin’ that
-I would go a-shufflin’ and a-huntin’ around for
-him, but I had no sich foolish notion. I cal’lated
-if thar was any findin’ to be done he’d have to
-do it, for I was detarmined to stand right thar
-till I’d drop in my tracks before I’d go a-s’archin’
-around for him.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_238'>238</span>“I commenced breathin’ about twice a minute,
-and not makin’ any more noise at it than a
-wall-bug, nuther. But for all that I heered him
-a-movin’ over towards me. I’ll allers think that
-Cranebow had a nose onto him like a setter
-dog, for he somehow or another got right over
-thar whar I was standin’. Pooty soon I felt
-somethin’ a-stingin’ along my forehead thar,
-and I suspected at once that it was the knife
-that was feelin’ around for me; so I reckoned
-it wouldn’t be long until he was a-proddin’ of it
-somewhere else, and like the boy with the
-candy bag, I cal’lated the fust poke was everythin’;
-so I made one sudden and detarmined
-plunge and a sort of upward rip, at the same
-time, cal’latin’ to do all the damage I could right
-at once while I was about it.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He heered me start, and thought to squat
-down before I got the knife into him I reckon.
-Though his intentions were good he only spread
-the disaster, like the gal who tried to put the
-fire out with the corn broom, for as he was
-gwine down the knife was rizin’, and the result
-was truly astonishin’. I’ll be smashed if he
-didn’t fly open from eend to eend like a ripe
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_239'>239</span>pea pod. It was done so alfired quick too,
-that he didn’t realize how bad he was hurt
-I think. Ses he, ‘We’ll try that over ag’in,
-stranger.’ As he spoke, he started to git up,
-but fell away seemin’ly in two different directions.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Not on this side, we won’t,’ I ses, as I went
-huntin’ around for the door.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I was surprised as much as him at the way
-things had turned out, for when I stepped into
-that room I looked on it as steppin’ into another
-world. When the door was found I commenced
-knockin’, and pooty soon the landlord came
-and opened it. He couldn’t see me at fust, but
-allowed it was the bully that was thar, of course,
-and ses he:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘You made pooty quick work of it this time;
-that feller won’t want to buy any more mules
-arter this, I take it.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘No,’ ses I, steppin’ out, ‘nor claim a critter
-that doesn’t belong to him nuther.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘What!’ he cried, jumpin’ back with a look
-upon his face that told me at once he was mi’ty
-displeased at the way things war developin’, ‘is
-it you? whar’s Glass-eyed Bill?’ he contin’ed,
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_240'>240</span>shadin’ his eyes with his hand and peerin’ into
-the darkness.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘He’s lyin’ around in thar somewhar,’ I answered
-careless like, jest that way. ‘The head-half
-of him is nigh the door here, paralyzed, I
-reckon, but the leg part is somewhere over in
-the corner thar whar ye hear the kickin’; you
-mout as well be gettin’ yer bucket and dust-pan
-ready, for you’ll have quite a job gettin’ all the
-pieces together ag’in, I’m thinkin’,’ I contin’ed,
-just that indifferent way, and walkin’ out towards
-the bar-room as I spoke.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“You never did see a feller so set back in
-your life. He looked at me as though I had as
-many heads onto me as the beast we read
-about in the Scripters. I’ll allers believe that
-he was in cahoot with old Glass-eye, and jist
-kept him thar to pick quarrels with strangers
-so they could have the pickin’ over of thar
-effects.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Arter washin’ my hands and plasterin’ up the
-cut on my forehead a little, I went out and saddled
-the mule, and the crowd all came out to
-see me gwine off. I reckon if I had stopped in
-the village I could have had things about my
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_241'>241</span>own way for some time. Before I rode off I
-turned round to ’em and ses:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘When you git so frightened of a bully
-ag’in that you daren’t sneeze within forty feet
-of him, jest send for me, and I’ll open him up
-ready for saltin’ while you’d be wipin’ your
-mouth.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“With that I rode off, and left ’em all starin’
-at each other, and then arter me, as though wonderin’
-who or what I was, anyhow.”</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p241.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div><span class='pageno' id='Page_242'>242</span></div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p242.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div>
-  <h2 class='c004'>ROLLER SKATING.</h2>
-</div>
-
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='large'>O</span>h! skating, roller skating now, of pastimes takes the lead;</div>
-      <div class='line'>No more we take the moonlight sail, or mount the prancing steed,</div>
-      <div class='line'>No more to fair, or carnival, no more to masquerade,</div>
-      <div class='line'>No more along the lengthy bridge, the thousands promenade,</div>
-      <div class='line'>No more we see Othello rave, and roll his jealous eyes,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or Hamlet leaping in the grave, where loved Ophelia lies,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or see the boasting Falstaff sheath his blade in Percy’s corse,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or hear the baffled Richard shout, “My kingdom for a horse!”</div>
-      <div class='line'>In vain the minstrels shake the bones, and tell the funny tale,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Their blazoned bill, or blatant band, to draw the public fail;</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_243'>243</span>For those, who still their millions hide, and those at ruin’s brink,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Alike throw business cares aside, and hasten to the Rink.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Talk of your bounding horseback rides, or of the grace indeed.</div>
-      <div class='line'>A maiden shows when she bestrides the frail velocipede;</div>
-      <div class='line'>I charge ye, if you’d see a maid when graceful she appears,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Go see her on the roller skates, as round the Rink she steers.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>A TERRIBLE NOSE.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>I was to-day brought in contact with an old
-gentleman named Bickerstaff, who keeps a
-crockery store in the village where I am visiting.
-This Bickerstaff is the unfortunate possessor
-of the queerest-looking nose I have yet
-encountered.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>It was not the original intention of Providence
-that he should follow such a proboscis
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_244'>244</span>through life, for there was a time when he, like
-other men, had a forerunner ornamental as
-well as useful. But through an accident, the
-nose he now bears in all its deformity was
-shoved upon him.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p244.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>BUSTING HIS BUGLE.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>It seems one day, while furiously pursuing a
-little urchin who had mischievously put a stone
-through a glass jar by the door, he ran his face
-against the end of a scantling a boy was carrying
-past on his shoulder, and set his nose well
-up on his forehead in a triangular lump.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Strange to say, no inducements that the surgeon
-could hold out served to coax it back to
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_245'>245</span>its former position. His wife, who was young,
-and rather prepossessing in appearance, worried
-terribly about it. She finally left him, and went
-to live with her mother, and immediately set
-about obtaining a divorce from him.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>She would, in all probability, have obtained
-it, if she had not died before the case was properly
-laid before the commissioners; because she
-was capable of doing better, and when you
-come to see the nose with which she wished to
-sever her connections, you could hardly blame
-her. Old Bickerstaff, to tell the honest truth,
-did look like the very old Nick in masquerade
-costume.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>His nose, as it reposed between his eyebrows,
-displayed an enormous pair of nostrils
-large as front-door keyholes. At a short distance
-a person would think he had four eyes in
-his head. He was the living terror of the
-school children who daily passed his place of
-business. They either scurried past on the
-run, or with their hands over their eyes.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Even among creeping infants—who had
-often shrunk back from the threshold as old
-Bickerstaff passed the door—he was known as
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_246'>246</span>the Boo; and there was no danger of them
-crawling into the street while he remained in
-the vicinity.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Nervously-inclined women also avoided him.
-They would cut across the road when they saw
-him coming toward them, or turn back, feeling
-their pockets as though they had forgotten
-something, and hurry back to go round some
-other way.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Dogs never barked at him. If they happened
-to be engaged in that pastime when he hove in
-sight, they would slope off the demonstration
-into a yelp. And as if they had suddenly recollected
-that they were wanted at home about
-that time, they tucked their tails between
-their legs and dusted away at a lively rate.
-Hitched horses even snorted lustily and pulled
-hard upon their halters when old Bickerstaff
-shuffled by.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The old gentleman had a pew in the church
-directly in front of the pulpit, and the first time
-he attended divine worship after his nose had
-been set up, he threw the minister out of his
-discourse altogether. He couldn’t keep run of
-what he wanted to say, no way he could fix it.
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_247'>247</span>He had Jonah swallowing the whale, instead of
-the whale doing the job for Jonah.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>No matter how much he endeavored to keep
-his eyes in some other direction, they would
-invariably wander back to rest upon that terrible
-sight, and then he would be off the track again
-in a twinkling. The next day the trustees of
-the church waited on Bickerstaff, and in the
-most polite manner possible requested him to
-exchange his pew for one farther removed
-from the pulpit.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The old fellow—who, by the way, had considerable
-temper—flew off the handle at once, and
-in the most unchristian-like language denounced
-the church and the doctrine that would draw
-the line of demarkation between fair faces and
-plain.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>He informed the trustees if the parson
-didn’t like the looks of his congregation, he
-could turn his pulpit around facing the other
-way. Yet, though he was rough in his speech,
-and given to storming considerably when his
-pride was touched, he was not altogether lacking
-in those qualities which go far to make up
-your real man; and when the trustees offered
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_248'>248</span>to give him the side pew <em>rent free</em>, his voice at
-once grew low, and in a becoming manner he
-accepted the situation. After that, things were
-not quite as bad. The minister occasionally got
-a quartering view of him, but the odd-looking
-disfigurement didn’t strike him with full force.
-Still, I was informed, the Reverend gentleman’s
-discourse was principally addressed to the hearers
-on the other side of the church, thereafter.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>But—to his credit be it mentioned—he always
-turned in the direction of old Bickerstaff when
-he closed his eyes in prayer.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p248.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_249'>249</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>A MASKED BATTERY.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>I learn by an evening paper that an old
-lady in the lower part of the city to-day,
-while burning some cast-off garments, threw an
-old vest belonging to her son-in-law into the fireplace.
-A Remington rifle cartridge happened
-to be slumbering in one of the pockets. It
-awakened, and therefrom hangs a piece of crape.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>This draws me on to fasten upon paper an
-incident that happened in the mountains some
-years ago. I was spending a few days in the
-mines at the time, with a friend named Colyer,
-who was working a claim back of Sonora.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>He had three partners in the concern. One
-was an old fellow named Twitchell, who at some
-time in his life had been a judge in a supreme
-court in one of the Southwestern States—I
-forget which. At all events, they called him
-“Judge,” and he bore the title with becoming
-dignity.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_250'>250</span>
-<img src='images/p250.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE ONE-EYED SWEDE.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>Another was a dark-looking, one-eyed Swede,
-who wore a large green patch over the empty
-socket. This seemed to add a double brilliancy
-and fire to the other optic, and gave to him
-rather a ferocious appearance. He would have
-passed anywhere for a buccaneer of at least fifteen
-years’ cruising. Yet he was quite a mild
-and peaceable man, for all his demoniacal
-aspect. The third was a Vermonter, named
-Theodore Arthur Willoughby Spooner, called
-Spoon, for short. They occupied a small log
-cabin near their claim, and were like miners
-generally, hopeful, if not happy.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_251'>251</span>One evening Theodore Arthur Willoughby
-Spooner was rummaging over some old articles
-left in the cabin by a former occupant. Among
-them he found an odd-looking pistol which the
-rust of years had rendered worthless. The
-weapon was an uncommon one. I never saw
-anything like it before or since, and it is my
-daily prayer that I never may. It was a ten-shooter;
-with nine chambers for bullets, and a
-tenth and larger barrel for throwing buckshot,
-slugs, walnuts, small onions, or potatoes. In
-fact it was capable of receiving almost anything
-not exceeding a billiard ball in size. Such an
-awe-inspiring shooting iron would be invaluable
-to a footpad or road agent. It was particularly
-suited for men of this stripe; for the man who
-would not blanch, settle down on his knees and
-surrender up his valuables when that battery
-was leveled at his head, must be brave indeed.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>After we had examined it for some time and
-vainly endeavored to raise the hammer, the one-eyed
-Swede took it. In trying to revolve the
-chambers he dropped it unswervingly upon
-Judge Twitchell’s favorite corn. It weighed
-about as much as a good-sized anvil, and no
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_252'>252</span>person who had experienced the peculiar sensation
-that shoots along the nerves from an
-injured corn, could blame the Judge for indulging
-in a little profanity about that time.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Smarting under the contusion he grabbed the
-instrument and in an erring moment flung it
-into the fire.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Not a man of that little assemblage but would
-have given his day’s pan-out to have the pistol
-out of the flames again; but neither wished to
-assume the responsibility of poking for it. The
-confounded thing hadn’t been fully canvassed,
-and we didn’t know whether or not it was loaded
-or which way it was aiming. It might be pointing
-out at the door, or up the chimney, or it
-might be leveled at a fellow’s very vitals; there
-was a sort of creeping uncertainty about the
-whole thing that was calculated to inspire solemn
-and serious reflection, and make us sit uneasily
-upon our stools.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>We were not long in doubt, however, for in
-ten seconds after the villainous-looking mitrailleuse
-settled into the glowing embers, there was
-no foot of space, no nook or corner within the
-wooden walls of that humble dwelling, that was
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_253'>253</span>a good place for a man to be who was not fully
-prepared to exchange worlds.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>File firing commenced on the right of the fireplace,
-under cover of burning brands. There
-was a sharp report, a cloud of ashes and a
-shower of coals, and amid the general din the
-stem and bowl of the meerschaum in the teeth
-of Theodore Arthur Willoughby Spooner dissolved
-partnership at once and forever.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>At the same instant the old water pitcher
-jumped from the table mortally wounded in the
-abdomen.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>During the next few moments there was extraordinary
-ground and lofty tumbling inside
-the cabin.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Not because I was possessed of greater fear,
-or less courage, than any of the party, but
-because I felt that I had more to live for, I was
-the first to reach the open air. The “Judge”
-was following close at my heels, but in his blind
-haste he tripped in the doorway and blocked
-the passage. It was at this critical moment that
-the leap-frog performance commenced.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_254'>254</span>
-<img src='images/p254.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>NEEDED AIR.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>The antics of Chirini’s circus troupe, during
-their most brilliant achievements, dwindled into
-mere schoolboy exercise when compared with
-the gymnastic efforts of the excited miners.
-Out came my friend Colyer over the prostrate
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_255'>255</span>form of the Judge, and the one-eyed Swede
-over Colyer, his hair erect and his one dilated
-eye standing in bold relief from his dark face, like
-the ornamental stud on a horse’s blinker. Last
-though not least interested or frightened, came
-Theodore Arthur Willoughby Spooner, sailing
-like a flying squirrel over the one-eyed Swede.
-In the meantime the pistol was jumping about
-in the fire like a fish in a scoop-net, showering
-bullets in every direction.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The clock hung silent upon the wall, having
-received a charge of buckshot full in the face,
-and the dog lay dead upon the hearthstone.
-“Chickens come home to roost,” saith the old
-proverb, and indeed it would seem so, for poor
-Judge Twitchell, whose rashness brought about
-the whole calamity, received a parting salute, a
-farewell shot, just as he had gathered himself
-on all fours to make a final lunge from the fusillade
-within. Fortunately the wound was not a
-fatal one, though severe enough to keep his
-memory green for weeks.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Some time elapsed before any person would
-venture back into the cabin after the firing
-ceased. No one had kept count of the shots or
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_256'>256</span>knew at what moment the battery might open
-again. We probably would have remained out
-all night rather than take any chances, but the
-coals which had been thrown over the cabin,
-started a brisk fire in half a dozen different
-places, and we were obliged to run some risks
-to extinguish the flames and save the place.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p256.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_257'>257</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>THE PRIZE I DIDN’T WIN.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Who hath contended for a prize? Who
-hath stood in front of an armed host
-with a noble emulation warming his breast?
-Who, with one eye glancing along the barrel to
-the target in the distance, and the other closed
-upon the world, hath pressed carefully upon the
-decisive trigger? And who hath seen the glittering
-bone of contention passing away into
-other hands than his at the close of the contest?
-If such a person there be, then can he sympathize
-with me in this, my dark hour of despondency.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_258'>258</span>
-<img src='images/p258.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE BEST SHOT.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>To-day I entered the lists with eighty men to
-compete for a gold watch and chain of two hundred
-and fifty dollars in value. It was to be
-presented to the winner by the Governor of the
-State, at a grand ball in the evening. I, who
-prided myself that I was no woman with a gun,
-made a very fair impression upon the target;
-and fell back. For six long, dragging hours I
-watched the marksmen striving to beat my score.
-One by one the good shots whom I had reason
-to fear stepped forward, discharged their pieces,
-and fell back cursing their ill luck. At last
-nearly all had fired, and I in fancy could hear
-the elegant time-piece ticking in my pocket, and
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_259'>259</span>was already preparing the usual impromptu
-speech with which to thank the generous donor.
-At this point an individual stepped forward
-whom I had not included among my dangerous
-competitors, because on former occasions he
-failed to hit the broad side of a mountain. Yet
-to my astonishment he bore off the glittering
-prize!</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I shall always think the devil rode astride of
-that individual’s bullets and guided them into
-the target; for while taking aim, the muzzle of
-his gun was tossing around like the tip of a
-cow’s horn when she’s grazing in a clover field.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>What a picture was I, as I stood that evening
-at the ball, watching his Excellency presenting
-the magnificent watch I had for hours together
-looked upon as mine. Had I not received the
-premature congratulations of my friends, and
-been lavish of change at the bar in consequence?
-And the watch—where was it? I feel that I
-shall never have the face to look my musket in
-the muzzle again.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p259.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_260'>260</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>THE COUNTRYMAN’S TOOTH.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Last evening, while sitting in a physician’s
-office, I was amused by a countryman who
-entered the office to have a tooth extracted.
-The doctor took one of the old-fashioned “cant
-hooks” and went for the molar, but whether it
-was owing to lack of skill or the patient’s ducking
-while the instrument was being adjusted, it
-became fixed directly between two teeth, and
-after a painful struggle, out they both were
-drawn. The operator saw he had taken out
-two masticators instead of one, and before the
-patient noticed the fact, one was chucked under
-some papers lying upon the table by his side.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Jerusalem!” cried the countryman, as soon
-as he could speak. “I thought by the yankin’
-and the torturin’ pain you had hitched the
-blamed thingamagig onto my back-bone and was
-a snakin’ it out. Why, bless my soul!” he continued,
-as he ran his tongue into the awful
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_261'>261</span>chasm. “Hain’t you made a mistake, doctor,
-and pulled out the jaw instead of the tooth?
-Thar appears to be a ginneral cavin’ in all
-around thar.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Oh, no,” said the doctor; “there is the
-tormentor, sir,” and he held up the one tooth
-before the contorted face of the victim in triumph.
-“Your teeth pull out easy, sir, for their
-size,” he continued, as he wiped his instruments
-and put them away.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“They do, eh?” he exclaimed. “Wal, dear
-help them that have teeth that come out hard.
-‘Taint all in the pullin’ nuther, but the incredulous
-hole they leave ahind ’em when they do
-come. Why, my teeth seem as far apart as two
-Sundays to a laborin’ man.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The other teeth will crowd over after a
-while,” said the doctor, encouragingly.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“It may be I’ll git sort of used to it after a
-while,” he replied, “but I’ll be blowed to the
-moon, if it doesn’t feel as though my tongue
-was wabblin’ around in some other person’s
-mouth about this time;” and he arose from the
-inquisitorial chair, paid the damages, and left
-the office.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_262'>262</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>MINING STOCKS.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>The city to-day has been in a state of feverish
-excitement over dispatches received from
-the mining regions. The telegrams were fraught
-with startling intelligence. There has been a
-rich strike in the Savage mine, and stock is
-going up accordingly.</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in4'>When stocks are running high,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>How natural to sigh,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Ah, that I a thousand shares did command,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>That I might drink champagne,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>And hold a double rein,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And be counted a power in the land.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>The streets are crowded with men, women
-and children. It is certainly—as an old woman
-remarked at my elbow—easier for a needle to go
-through a camel’s eye, than for a person to pass
-through the throng at some of the corners. At
-present the person who does not own Savage
-stock is not considered of much account. I, who
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_263'>263</span>am always on the alert for new developments,
-and act upon the moment, make haste to give a
-sketch of the Savage stock going up.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p263.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE ASCENT.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>It is ascending at a lively rate, there is no
-mistake about that. There is always two sides
-to a hill, however, and though the lucky stockholder
-to-day may reach the summit of his
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_264'>264</span>expectations, to-morrow may bring a descent
-that will be something to stand from under.
-And being possessed of quite a prophetic soul,
-I anticipate the event, and as a companion piece
-for the foregoing, give another sketch of the
-Savage stock coming down, which it will undoubtedly
-be before many days.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p264.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE DESCENT.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_265'>265</span>Well, I can exclaim with Banquo’s facetious
-murderer, “Let it comedown,” the decline cannot
-destroy my peace, nor deplete my purse.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id004'>
-<img src='images/p265.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div>
-  <h2 class='c004'>ODE ON A FLEA.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in18'>“A lofty theme,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Fit subject for the noblest bard</div>
-      <div class='line'>That ever strung a lyre.”</div>
-      <div class='line in20'>—<em>Coleridge.</em></div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='large'>I</span>nsufferable pest! that with wondrous force</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Sinks in my quivering flesh thy noxious tooth,</div>
-      <div class='line'>To tap life’s current in its healthful course,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And break my needful rest, and bring me ruth.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><span class='pageno' id='Page_266'>266</span>Oh! virulent marauder, thou art a bore in truth,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And who, that smarts beneath thy awful bite,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And poisonous delving, but will, forsooth,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Think that sage poet may have erred a mite,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Who ably sang in ages past, “Whatever is, is right.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I’ll place thee foremost in the swarm of those</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Tormenting insects that plague mankind;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Yet greater craven from the earth ne’er rose,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Than thou, mute robber of my peace of mind.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In the musical mosquito noble traits we find;</div>
-      <div class='line'>When he at night upon his mission goes,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And quits the ceiling where he long has pined,</div>
-      <div class='line'>On his shrill bugle a lusty blast he blows,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To warn his drowsy prey that a raid he doth propose.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The vampire bat of Southern latitudes,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That preys at night upon the throat of man,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Quite conscious of the pain his tooth intrudes,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Doth with membraneous wings the victim fan,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To hold him still unconscious if he can,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of the dark demon hovering o’er his head,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Drawing the blood from visage cold and wan,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Till fully gorged it leaves the sleeper’s bed,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And he, awaking, scarce believes he has been freely bled.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But thou, black delver, what virtue canst thou claim?</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Save great activity, which makes me hate thee more.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Through night and day thy laboring is the same,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Insatiate ever, thou never wilt give o’er,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But glutton-like, still sap and bite, and bore.</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_267'>267</span>Yet truly thou art cursed in having such a jaw,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The champ of which doth try my patience sore.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And soon thou hast to scud from angry scratch and claw,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And often thou must bite afresh ere surfeited thy maw!</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Hadst thou instead of escharotic teeth</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Been furnished with a blood-extracting bill,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Which once insinuated skin beneath,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The worst were past; I’d feel no thrill</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To make me shiver as though an ague chill</div>
-      <div class='line'>Did all my joints and nerves undo,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Till I sit chattering like a fanning mill,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Perhaps when sitting in the still church pew,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Where I should think of heaven instead of things like you.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I grant there’s naught on earth, nor in the sea,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Nor in the windy waste around our rolling sphere,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That can at all compare with thy agility</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>When thou art taken with a sense of fear.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And what was ever formed that can come near</div>
-      <div class='line'>Thy well-knit bones? Thy strange infrangibility</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Is too well known to need long mention here,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For who but oft has seen thee spring away quite free,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Although between the fingers rolled most spitefully.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p267.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_268'>268</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>FIGHTING IT OUT ON THAT LINE.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>While crossing Telegraph Hill this evening
-in the vicinity of the beach, I witnessed
-an incident which has kept me smiling to myself
-for the last two hours.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>A couple of carters met in a street at a place
-which needed repairing. One cart was heavily
-loaded with brick. The other contained a small
-lot of coal.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The driver of No. 1 was in favor of suspending
-that time-honored clause in common law,
-which says, “turn to the right.” Having the
-heavier load he wished to adopt the English
-system:—</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“The law of the road is a paradox quite;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For as you are driving along,</div>
-      <div class='line'>If you go to the left you are sure to go right,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>If you go to the right you go wrong.”</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>But driver No. 2 was immovable as Cæsar
-when the conspirators with ready weapons knelt
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_269'>269</span>around him. He was determined to enforce
-his prerogative, even to the anchoring of his
-opponent’s cart.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>No. 1 said he would “stand there until his
-corns sprouted.” No. 2 replied that he “wouldn’t
-budge until his corns not only sprouted, but
-until they went to seed, or he would have his
-rights.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>After considerable loud talk in which they
-freely expressed unqualified opinions of each
-other, they commenced unhitching their horses
-from the carts, as night was setting in, and
-quietly started off to their respective stables.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>It happened they had met directly before the
-residence of a stout Teuton who owns a large
-brewery at the Beach. They had scarcely left the
-disputed point when the brewer arrived. His
-flushed face showed he had been freely testing the
-quality of his malt liquor. He demanded of
-some bystanders how the carts came there.
-Being informed of the whys and wherefores to
-his satisfaction, he called out his two stout sons
-to assist in removing the unsightly ornaments.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The united efforts of the three soon started
-the carts down the hill, in the direction of the
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_270'>270</span>bay, like a battery of flying artillery. It was
-only a few rods to the water, and in they
-plunged, one after the other, and shot out from
-the shore like things of life. The old man and
-his sons stood upon the crest of the hill viewing
-the descent in silence. After they had been
-successfully launched, the trio retired into the
-house with that self-satisfied and confident air
-that Emperor William and his two warlike
-aids might exhibit when retiring to their tent
-after a battle in which the enemy was routed.
-To some of the bystanders this seemed rather
-a precipitate proceeding; but to my untutored
-mind it was an act worthy to be ranked with the
-judicial hangings by the San Francisco Vigilance
-Committee.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>As I left the hill, I took a last look back at
-the carts, fast growing indistinct in the gloom
-and mist closing over the bay. One craft was
-hugging the shore off Black Point, with a close
-reefed tail-board, and her wheel well under
-water. The other was sinking by the stern,
-but still scudding under bare poles in the direction
-of Raccoon Straits.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_271'>271</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>DUDLEY’S FIGHT WITH DR. TWEEZER.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Jim Dudley called again last night, and,
-as usual, bored me with one of his yarns.
-I overshot myself by mentioning to him how low
-he stood in the estimation of Doctor Tweezer,
-for that brought down the following upon my
-head:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Dr. Tweezer didn’t speak very highly of me,
-eh! Wal, ’tain’t to be wondered at when you
-know how I wrought upon his feelin’s once.
-When a feller has to go around among his
-patients for more’n two weeks with a beefsteak
-the size of a hearth rug tied to his face, as <em>he</em>
-did, he ain’t agwine to hurt himself eulogizin’
-the person who set him off,—not much.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Ever fight? wal, I reckon you’d think so if
-you had seen the Doctor’s yard arter we got
-through turnin’ the chips over thar. <em>He</em> can
-fight, and squirm like a cat with her tail in a
-tongs, that Dr. Tweezer can.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_272'>272</span>“You see the Doctor’s place was alongside
-the widder Gezot’s, and she had a numerous
-assortment of hens, specimens from cold countries,
-with feathers clear down to thar toe nails;
-and others from bilin’ hot districts, with no
-feathers at all onto ’em, ‘ceptin’ a few downy
-substitutes frillin’ around the neck. They were
-continually a-gettin’ into his garden and a
-sprawlin’ round in the soft beds thar.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He was pooty mad over it too, for he prided
-himself on razin’ early vegetables, and two or
-three times he cautioned her to look arter her
-p’ultry, or he’d gin ’em a dose that would warm
-thar little gizzards for em’ if he was any judge
-of drugs.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The widder Gezot was a plaguey stirrin’ little
-woman, one that was allers willin’ to flounder
-ahead the best way she could. Being myself
-somewhat interested in the lady, I used to ginnerally
-chime in when she got into any difficulty.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“She soon told me what Dr. Tweezer said
-about the hens; so we set in, and poked ’em,
-and stuck feathers through their bills, and did
-all we could, except wringing their necks, to
-keep ’em out of his garden.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_273'>273</span>“But hens are hens, you know, and the warm
-sand makes ’em feel mi’ty nice, I reckon. They
-still managed to git through the fence, or over
-it, and hold caucuses in the Doctor’s onion
-beds. One day arter I had bin down town
-talkin’ politics with the boys thar, I was settin’
-on the widder’s door-step smokin’ and musin’
-like, when I see her hens come a-rustlin’ hum
-as though forty hawks were a-stirrin’ ’em up.
-They p’inted straight for the water trough, and
-after takin’ about two dips into it, commenced
-the wildest gymnastic feats you ever see, flip-flopin’
-around, stannin’ on thar heads, and then
-on thar tails. Finally they quieted down, and
-turnin’ feet up, lay thar dead as the chips around
-’em.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I more than suspected Dr. Tweezer had gin
-’em a dose of arsenic or some other mi’ty tellin’
-drug. So I jest riz up quietly and took a look
-over into his yard, and sure enough thar he was,
-a-staggerin’ and squirmin’ around, a-holdin’ of
-his sides, and e’enmost a-bustin’ with in’ard
-laughter. Now this sort of upsot me. Not that
-I cared so much about the widder’s chickens, but
-I didn’t like to see a feller so mi’ty tickled over
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_274'>274</span>a mean trick. So I went prancin’ around to the
-Doctor’s yard pooty durned lively, a-pullin’ off
-my coat as I ran. I cal’lated I couldn’t devote
-much time to strippin’ arter I got in thar.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p274.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>GOING FOR THE DOCTOR.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“His back was towards me, and he never suspicioned
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_275'>275</span>I was comin’, but stooped over warpin’
-around and sort of unwittin’ly invitin’ a kick.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘It’s mi’ty funny business, a-pizenin’ chickens,
-isn’t it?’ I ses, jest that way, and at the
-same time I gin him such a hoist, that I sent him
-playin’ leap-frog mor’n fifteen feet, and for a few
-moments I reckon he thought he had backed up
-ag’inst a batterin’ ram.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He was mi’ty cranky though, and turned
-round quicker than a dog when his tail is trod on.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Dudley,’ he hollered, ‘you meddlin’ ruffian,
-you’ve invoked the pest, so now look out for
-scabs,’ and with that he came at me like a
-cluckin’ hen at a strange dog. I see I was in
-for a lively time, as the boy said when he upset
-the bee hive. At it we went, ring and twist,
-duck and dodge, hop and catch it, round and
-round the yard like fightin’ turkeys. I could
-play around him at boxin’ like a cooper round
-a barrel, but he was grizzly on a hug, and could
-kick and gouge like a Mississippian.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He went for my right eye like an Irishman
-for a ballot box. I’ll be blowed if I didn’t think
-I’d have to go one eye on it ever arterwards.
-Several times he had it stickin’ out like a door
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_276'>276</span>knob. Finally while he was a-fumblin’ around
-he accident’ly slipped his finger into my mouth,
-and I shut down on it mi’ty fast now I can tell
-you.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Fair play! fair play!’ he hollered, ‘no
-bitin’.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Rats!’ ses I, jest that way, ’twixt my teeth,
-‘all’s grist that comes to my mill, I reckon,’ and
-with that I snapped it off at the second jint like
-a radish. Jest then his wife, hearin’ an unusual
-rustlin’ and scrapin’ around the yard, come
-a-runnin’ to the door to see what was up.
-Woman like, without inquirin’ into the particulars,
-she took sides to wunst, and started with a
-dish of hot water cal’latin’ to gin me an alfired
-scaldin’. Luckily she stumbled over the dog
-that was a-skelpin’ into the house to git out of
-harm’s way, and her own young ’un that was
-crawlin’ around the floor munchin’ dirt got the
-hottest bath it ever experienced. That gave her
-somethin’ else to look arter, so that the Doctor
-and I had it out alone.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Arter we had bin at it about fifteen minutes
-we held a sort of informal truce, just arter a
-simultaneous exchange of compliments, which
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_277'>277</span>left the Doctor layin’ across the grindstone and
-me astride the pump. It was the first chance I
-had of gittin’ a fair look at him, since we started
-in. I see he was punished mi’ty bad. One eye
-was retirin’ from active service pooty fast, while
-his face ginnerally looked as if he had bin bobbin’
-for pennies in a dish of tomato sauce. I
-reckon he wasn’t aware he presented such an
-appearance, for ses he:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘You’re lookin’ mi’ty bad, Dudley, and you
-mout as well gin up now as any time, for you’ll
-eventually have to holler.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘If I looked one-half as bad as you do, Doctor,
-I would holler,’ I answered.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘I ginnerally have to look about this bad
-before my blood gits up to a fightin’ heat,’ he
-ses detarminedly.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Wal,’ ses I, ‘I’ve fit at every election for
-the last five years, and last Fourth, put the bully
-mate of Terre Haute into a coal bunker, blind
-as a bat, and I cal’late no derned pill-mixer is
-agwine to git away with me very bad.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘You’ll have to be born ag’in before you
-can whale me, Dudley,’ he shouted, ‘for I’ll fight
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_278'>278</span>while there’s enough blood left in me to lunch a
-stall-fed musketeer.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘We both suck through the same straw then,
-Doctor,’ ses I, ‘for I cal’late to stick to you like
-a poor man’s plaster to a beggar’s ribs or I’ll
-have the worth of the widder’s chickens out on
-ye,’ and with that I spit out his finger that I had
-forgot all about, and the hul time had bin
-chawin’ like a piece of flag-root, I was so burnin’
-mad. I allers will think he would have gin up
-the fight then, if he hadn’t seen me spit out the
-finger. He looked down at his maimed hand
-and then at me, and the awful sight seemed to
-spur him on ag’in.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘You cannibal varmint!’ he hollered, as he
-edged up to me. ‘I’ll make head-cheese of ye!’
-and with that he made a pass at me; so at it we
-went ag’in, hotter than ever, hands up and heads
-down like fightin’ wasps, round and about, over
-the goose-house and wheelbarrow spat-a-te-kick,
-and down into the sink pool roll-et-e-roll,
-and the hair was a-flyin’ and the teeth war a-spinnin’.
-I got in a left-handed wipe on his
-chin while his mouth was open, swarin’, and I
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_279'>279</span>made his jaws snap like a wolf trap, and sent
-one of his molars a-buzzin’ through the kitchen
-winder like a bullet from a Springfield muskit.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p279.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>HANDS UP AND HEADS DOWN.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I never knowed a man could lose so much
-blood and stand up arter it, until I had that
-fight with Dr. Tweezer. The blood was a-flyin’
-from him every which way, like the water from
-a sprinklin’ cart, and yet he wouldn’t holler.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Arter a while he clinched and throwed me,
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_280'>280</span>but I managed to turn him, and commenced to
-shut off his supply of wind by twistin’ his necktie;
-but jest as his tongue began to crop out
-promisin’ly, a couple of fellers drivin’ by in a
-wagon seen us, and they allowed that I was
-one of the Doctor’s crazy patients that had got
-the better of him; so they come runnin’ in
-with a long rope, and set in to tie me up
-right thar.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The plaguey Doctor turned in to help ’em
-do it, too. I cussed, and hollered, and kicked
-off both boots, and broke two of my teeth
-a-grittin’ of ’em, I was so consumin’ mad.
-But it was no go; I was a-playin’ a lone hand,
-with both bowers and the ace ag’inst me.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The fust thing I knew they had me tied
-hand and foot, and h’isted into thar greasy old
-meat wagon with some dead hogs.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘To the lock-up with him,’ shouted the Doctor,
-jest bilin’ with rage; ‘he’s crazy as a cow
-with her horns knocked off.’ They took me
-thar, sure enough, and I staid thar till midnight
-before the mistake was known. I was pooty
-well scratched up, but that Dr. Tweezer was
-the most horrid sight you ever did see.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_281'>281</span>
-<img src='images/p281.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>ALAS! POOR DOCTOR.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Arter that fight he looked as though he had
-been the subject in a dissectin’ room, with at
-least a dozen medical students peelin’ and
-hackin’ of him in the interests of science. The
-Doctor allowed that the erysipelas would set
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_282'>282</span>in, seein’ thar were so many small veins busted
-in his face, so he painted it all over with scarlet
-iodine as a precautionary measure.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He did look like the very old Nick, and no
-mistake. His face was fearfully puffed up, you
-see, and his nose was knocked clear away round
-to one side. His mouth in particular was a
-study that a feller couldn’t git familiar with. It
-was a problem that the more you looked into
-the more your ideas got confused. It was
-swelled and twisted and run around, out of all
-shape and proportion.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He had the terriblest time you ever heard
-of gittin’ his victuals into it and fairly started
-down his throat. Thar he would sit at the
-table explorin’ about for fully five minutes
-strivin’ to make the harbor, and when he
-couldn’t fetch it, he would draw the spoon back
-and look at it a while, plannin’ another expedition.
-He knew where his mouth <em>ought</em> to be,
-you see, and where it <em>had</em> been a few hours
-before, and to be obliged to canvass the whole
-of his head to find it, was somethin’ he wasn’t
-accustomed to.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“It seemed as if he never would git through
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_283'>283</span>jabbin’ the spoon about his face, and when he
-would finally strike the openin’, it would be
-away round on one side of his head, so much
-so in fact, that a person would think he was
-pourin’ the soup into his ear. He would be all
-hunkadory then durin’ the remainder of that
-meal, but the next time he would come to the
-table, the same performance would have to be
-gone through with.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He couldn’t keep run of the thing, nohow.
-It was here to-day and somewhere else to-morrow,
-like a wrinkle in a shirt.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The swellin’ kept shiftin’ and undulatin’
-about continually, down in one place and up in
-another, all within an hour, and that would
-shove the mouth away down along the neck
-somewhere, or clear across to the other side of
-the head, perhaps.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The family would be sittin’ thar eatin’ no
-more than he was, they would be so busily engaged
-watchin’ his singular manœuverin’, and
-it would make him so roarin’ mad that he would
-send ’em all away from the table.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He tried to eat by the aid of a small lookin’
-glass, but that didn’t work any better than goin’
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_284'>284</span>it blind. When he saw how disfigured every
-feature was, his appetite would begin to git
-away from him pooty lively, and he would sling
-the glass into the corner, and fall to denouncin’
-me like a crazy bush-whacker.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The yard, too, was a sight; everythin’ in it
-was painted and scratched and painted ag’in.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Old Mrs. Sharron—who was allers a-smellin’
-around about butcherin’ time, on the
-lookout for a fresh morsel—was gwine by the
-Doctor’s the next mornin’, and she noticed the
-blood and ha’r a-stickin’ to the chips and pump
-handle, and she allowed he had killed his spring
-pig, so she dropped in to ask him for the ears
-and a piece of the liver.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The Doctor thought she was runnin’ him on
-his late skirmish, and you never see a man fly
-into such a passion in all your born days.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He jumped up and pulled his pizen pump
-out of a drawer, and ses he: ‘You old faded
-remnant! you scollop! you creasy old cinder of
-an incendi’ry fire!’ he contin’ed, jest that way,
-‘I’ll gin ye jest seven seconds to git out of my
-house in, or I’ll hoist the gizzard out of ye
-mi’ty quick!’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_285'>285</span>“Jehominy! wasn’t she skeered, though?
-You never see a cat git from under a stove
-quicker when a pot biles over, than she got out
-of that house.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“So Dr. Tweezer didn’t speak very highly of
-me, eh? Wal, now you kind o’ know the
-reason, don’t ye?”</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>MY NEIGHBOR WORSTED.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>As I look from my window I am surprised at
-the change the last half hour has wrought
-upon my neighbor and his immediate surroundings.
-At that time he emerged from the shed
-in which he keeps his extra household furniture,
-with a length of stove-pipe and an elbow under
-his arms. They were apparently just the things
-he needed to tone down the draught of his new
-stove, and shoot the sparks clear of the banker’s
-eaves.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_286'>286</span>I think I never saw him look better-natured
-than at that moment. His face was clear and
-unruffled as a woodland pool. His children
-played around him with unsuspecting minds and
-unlimited speech. The household cat, with all
-confidence in his noble nature, familiarly rubbed
-her ribs against his leg, as he for a moment
-stood deciding which end of the length to introduce
-to the elbow. Even the old hen roosting
-on the enclosure seemed to settle her head into
-her body with more than ordinary satisfaction as
-she regarded the complacent scene beneath her.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>But half an hour ago all was peace, confidence
-and love, and now what a change is
-here! I hear the children, but see them not.
-Their plaintive wail reminds me how often
-laughter is the harbinger of tears. The hen
-with ruffled feathers and outstretched neck
-stands aloof upon the ridge of a distant dwelling.
-The household cat that had grown old in
-the family, and had good reason to believe herself
-privileged, purrs no more. She has painful
-reasons to think otherwise now, as she crouches
-in the most retired corner of the premises,
-assiduously applying whatever balm her tongue
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_287'>287</span>affords to injured parts. She doubtless muses
-how heavier than an infant’s spoon it is to feel
-an adult’s boot.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Yet my neighbor was neither rash nor hasty.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>He seemed the embodiment of perseverance,
-as he repeatedly offered that length of stove-pipe
-an elbow which it, like a prudish maiden, provokingly
-refused. Soon the drops of perspiration
-began to stand upon his face and neck
-in large globes, and I knew that patience was
-oozing from every pore. I knew by the scattering
-children, the cackling hen, and the flying
-household cat, that the “rose-lipped cherubim”
-of which the poet sings, were abiding with him
-no longer.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Presently his wife came to his assistance with
-a case-knife, and for a time it seemed as though
-victory would crown their united efforts. Reinforcements
-turned the tide at Waterloo, and laid
-proud France at the mercy of Europe, and how
-often the assistance from the mind or arm of a
-noble wife rolls back the enemy from the door.
-But reinforcements could not mend the matter
-here. The poor woman soon retired from the
-scene with wounded fingers and damaged pride.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_288'>288</span>My neighbor himself has ceased to strive.
-Flattened, kicked, and abandoned, the pipes lie
-masters of the situation.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Ah! I am fully persuaded that neither depth
-of affliction, nor height of impudence, nor length
-of trial, nor breadth of argument, nor extravagance,
-nor parsimony, nor things in particular,
-nor things in general, can begin to compare, as
-triers of patience, with a couple of old frill-edged
-stove-pipes, that emphatically set their edge
-against a union.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p288.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_289'>289</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>THE BREATHING SPELL.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='large'>A</span>s some lone reaper, tanned and sore,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Doth pause to glance his acres o’er,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Comparing what hath passed his hands</div>
-      <div class='line'>With what before him bristling stands—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Behind him lie the shocks and sheaves,</div>
-      <div class='line'>While like a sea before him heaves,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Far over valley, hill and plain,</div>
-      <div class='line'>The waving heads of waiting grain—</div>
-      <div class='line'>So pause I now, when half way through</div>
-      <div class='line'>This growing book, my task to view;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Behind lie many a sketch and line;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Before me, countless pages shine;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Behind, the thoughts are shaped and bound;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Before, they float in freedom round.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And as that reaper stoops again</div>
-      <div class='line'>To throw his hook around the grain,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And sinks amid the sea of gold,</div>
-      <div class='line'>To rise when hands no longer hold;</div>
-      <div class='line'>So bend I to my task anew,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And undismayed my course pursue,</div>
-      <div class='line'>’Till clip on clip, and sheaf on sheaf,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Shall bear me to the farthest leaf.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_290'>290</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>A VISIT TO BENICIA.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>To-day I had occasion to visit Benicia. The
-place is situated on the Straits of Carquinez.
-Not far from the town the Government Arsenal
-and Barracks are situated. And as a striking
-proof of the loyal and law-abiding spirit of the
-citizens, I may mention the fact, that all the government
-property above alluded to is defended
-by two soldiers, a corporal—who, by the way,
-has a wooden leg—and a high private.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>While stopping there, I noticed they were
-engaged in the pleasurable task of firing a salute
-of twenty-one guns, in commemoration of Bunker
-Hill. They were having a busy time of it,
-for while the wooden-legged corporal was loading
-and discharging the cannon, the private was
-forwarding the ammunition from the magazine—about
-a quarter of a mile distant—in a wheelbarrow.
-“If soldiers will do this in time of
-peace,” I said to myself, “what would they not
-accomplish in time of war?” and I walked away
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_291'>291</span>from the spot, congratulating myself for having
-invested in Government bonds.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The town, in all likelihood, would never have
-been heard of outside of the State of California,
-had it not been for the brave “Benicia Boy.”
-Here it was that he swung the blacksmith’s
-heavy sledge, and practiced the first rudiments
-of the pugilistic profession, which subsequently
-gained him his world-wide notoriety.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Many of the citizens are yet pointed out to
-the visitor as parties who at some period of their
-life served as a sand bag on which the muscular
-“Boy” hardened his knuckles.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>As I gazed upon the scattered village,—for it
-is no more,—I mused, how a man should come
-forth from such a paltry place to “awe” the
-world. For as Goliath challenged the hosts of
-Israel, so came the brave “Benicia Boy” and
-dared creation’s millions.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>And as the youthful shepherd, afterwards
-king, rose up and smote the overweening giant
-with a stone, till all his brain oozed forth, so from
-Albion’s Isle a youthful “King,” smote the western
-champion in the midriff with his mawley,
-and all his wind gushed out!</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_292'>292</span>
-<img src='images/p292.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>ONE OF HEENAN’S MEMENTOES.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>After searching some time to discover the
-blacksmith shop where the pugilist used to work,
-I learned that it was long since torn down and
-a church now occupied the site. But an old
-gentleman who kept a small boarding house,
-conducted me to an ancient pump, at which he
-said the “Boy” on several occasions bathed his
-nose after having a bout with some person who
-didn’t let him have things all his own way, and
-there I wept my tears of tribute.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>A large iron-bound boot-jack, set in a glass
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_293'>293</span>case, was shown to me by a saloon-keeper. He
-assured me, with this weapon the “Boy” had
-killed several cats belonging to the neighbors
-which had disturbed his slumbers. This boot-jack
-had also caused the death of a mule, for on
-one occasion the pugilist hurled it with such
-violence at a cat that was scampering across
-the roof of a shed that the heavy missile went
-through the boards. A farmer’s mule that was
-standing inside received the weapon behind the
-ear, and immediately went to gravel as though
-he had been felled with a sledge-hammer. The
-farmer instituted a suit against the “Boy” to
-recover damages, but the friends of the pugilist
-made up a purse to satisfy the demand of the
-farmer, and the matter was hushed.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I was also shown a jagged hole in a high
-board fence, which, it is said, the “Boy” made
-one night while going home from a neighboring
-saloon.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>It seems he had some trouble with a companion
-before leaving the saloon, and seeing his
-shadow dogging his steps, mistook it for the
-substance of his late antagonist; very naturally
-presuming that his intentions were anything but
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_294'>294</span>friendly, he turned hastily around and dissipated
-the obnoxious shadow by knocking it about fifteen
-feet into the garden.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p294.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>A SCIENTIFIC OPENING.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_295'>295</span>The fence rattled and shook around the whole
-lot under the terrible blow. He made a hole in
-the boards through which a large goat could
-readily jump without sacrificing any of its hair
-by the performance, and permanently injured
-a good-sized pear tree that stood inside the
-enclosure, about three feet distant. The concussion
-was terrible. A couple of turkeys that
-happened to be roosting in the tree at the time
-dropped from their limb as though shot through
-the head with a needle-gun. Never afterwards
-could they be induced to roost upon anything
-further from the ground than the cross-bar
-of a saw-horse or the handles of a wheelbarrow.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>No doubt the town at one time had great
-expectations, as it formerly was the capital of
-the State. It is now a capital joke to see a
-person undertaking to walk through the town
-in the winter season, without faith strong
-enough or feet broad enough to support him
-upon the surface of the oceans of mud he will
-find himself gazing wistfully across.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>On my way down a man was pointed out to
-me on the boat who is said to be the meanest
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_296'>296</span>man in his county. My informant assured me
-that when the mean individual’s wife died last
-year, he borrowed a pair of forceps from the
-dentist at Benicia, and extracted all her gold-filled
-teeth. And on the morning prior to
-her funeral he sat upon the door-step, hammer
-in hand, with a flat-iron upon his knees, cracking
-the teeth like English walnuts, and with a
-sewing awl extracting the filling from the
-cavities.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>During my journey I didn’t cultivate that
-man’s acquaintance. He is a person to stand
-away from, especially when clouds are charged
-with electricity.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p296.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div><span class='pageno' id='Page_297'>297</span></div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p297.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div>
-  <h2 class='c004'>TOO MUCH OF INDIAN.</h2>
-</div>
-
-</div>
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Take away the dish; I have had my fill
-of Modoc; have had buck for breakfast,
-squaw for dinner, and papoose for supper, until
-at the very name of Indian my appetite forsakes
-me.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The appellations that for a season fell upon
-my ears, like a new poem from the lips of some
-sweet bard, have poetry for me no longer. The
-names, “Captain Jack,” “Scarfaced Charlie,”
-“Shacknasty Jim,” “Rain-in-the-face,” “Old-man-afraid-of-his-horse,”
-“Sitting Bull,” or “Ellen’s
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_298'>298</span>Man,” have lost their charm. They have become
-dull and uninteresting, and I would hear them
-no more forever. I have been duped, deceived,
-defrauded, on account of these rascally Indians.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I have gazed in silent awe upon what I supposed
-to be the scalp of no less a personage
-than “Old Sconchin,” and it now transpires that
-the redoubtable old chief turns up among the
-Indians recently captured.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Oh! Oh! how this world is given to lying!</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I have journeyed long and far, by water and
-by rail, on horseback and on foot, and purchased
-at an extravagant price an Indian’s scalp which
-the seller under oath, with lifted hand, assured
-me was the veritable crown lock of that same
-“Old Sconchin.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>With tears coursing down his sunburned
-cheeks he informed me, that with his own eyes,
-in the full light of day, he saw it plucked smoking
-from the sconce of the expiring brave.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I have consequently braided watch chains of
-the hair, fashioned a money purse of the skin,
-and then withdrawn into a private apartment to
-shed bitter tears of sorrow, because the material
-didn’t quite hold out to make a tobacco pouch.
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_299'>299</span>And now the distressing intelligence reaches
-me that the renowned “Old Sconchin” stands
-manacled in the camp of his foemen, with an
-unscarified top and as luxuriant hair as ever
-drew nourishment from an Indian head.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Oh! where shall we turn, or where shall we
-look for honesty, since it is not found in the
-breast of the Indian scalp peddler?</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>GOING UP THE SPOUT.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Rats and mice, like ourselves, often labor at
-a great disadvantage while endeavoring to
-make a livelihood. They often make a miss of
-it altogether by not knowing the proper time to
-set out upon an expedition. Their life is a perpetual
-skirmish. They have to take chances
-and be upon their guard continually. Their
-mortal enemy and dread, the cat, may be asleep
-in the fourth story, and the poor mouse knows
-not of it as he looks wistfully across the intervening
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_300'>300</span>space between the ash barrel and the
-basement stairs; but after weighing the chances
-of escape or capture, he scurries across the
-opening with as much haste as though the sharp
-claws of pussy were raking the stunted fur from
-his wiry tail.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The sun may pour down its genial rays and
-the planks which his way lies over be warm and
-inviting, but he cannot loiter to enjoy its warmth
-or survey the beauties of nature. Oh! who
-would be a mouse? sigh I, as I sit and ponder
-over his life of inherent fear and uncertainty.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>He seems to have no confidence in himself.
-His actions are like those of an inferior checker
-player. Shove about as he may, the chances
-are he will soon regret the manœuvre, and wish
-himself safely back again at the starting point.</p>
-
-<div  class='figleft id005'>
-<img src='images/p300.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>AN OBJECT OF SUSPICION.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>Everything about the premises seems to be
-after him. He regards the old blacking-brush
-that lies under the bench with looks of suspicion
-for hours together, and dare not risk a scamper
-past. He takes it for a
-horrid cat, quietly and
-patiently biding her time.
-He retires into his hole and waits fully an hour
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_301'>301</span>before peeping out again; but there it sits to
-blast his sight and cause a cold thrill to run
-along his little spine. The fact that it does not
-change its position does not in the least weaken
-his mistrust; on the contrary, it rather strengthens
-it. “It is so cat-like,” he says to himself,
-“for it to be sitting there motionless.” In the
-handle projecting from one end he very naturally
-thinks he recognizes the tail, and at this
-new discovery he backs into his hole again in
-great trepidation.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>He feels certain now that he was right in his
-suspicions. Another wait follows. On again
-emerging, there it lies as before; and if that
-mouse was profane, and had a soul to hazard, it
-would undoubtedly hazard it, and roundly berate
-that brush through compressed teeth.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>It takes but little to set a poor mouse into a
-perfect fluster. Down rolls a stick of wood
-from the pile, and Mr. Mouse, nibbling at the
-other corner of the shed, jumps at least eight
-feet in the direction of his hole. The wind
-blows down the clothes-line stick, and simultaneous
-with its fall upon the planks the heart,
-liver and lights of the poor mouse seem to be
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_302'>302</span>running a steeple-chase to see which can jump
-from his mouth first. Away he scurries across
-the yard, so fast, that though your eyes were
-endeavoring to keep up with him all the way,
-you merely know <em>something</em> has been moving,
-but can only surmise what.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>We sometimes think the trials and disappointments
-of humanity are great, but dear me!
-what are they compared to the miseries of these
-poor creatures. From their hardships deliver
-me! For all their care and caution, they do so
-often miscalculate. This is evidenced by the
-number of times our old cat enters the house
-with her mouth full, and her eyes sparkling with
-pride.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>There is nothing so very degrading or humiliating
-in a cat’s life, and the thought of becoming
-a cat does not make one shudder as does the
-thought of becoming a mouse. A good household
-cat does not occupy such a very bad position
-in life after all; by <em>good</em> I mean an excellent
-mouser, one never guilty of letting a mouse
-escape after having the second wipe at him; no
-scraggy creature with stove-singed back and
-scolloped ears, but a well-behaved, home-loving
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_303'>303</span>animal. The lot of such a creature is preferable
-to that of some men whom I have met in
-life, that is, if there were no rude children in
-the house. There is always some drawback; a
-cat is peculiarly blessed that lives in a house
-where there are no children; it seems to be
-counted as one of the family almost, and its life,
-though short, is certainly a happy one. But
-ah! these reckless children, that snatch up
-Tommy by the tail as they would a sauce-pan,
-and as though the tail was actually intended for
-a handle. On second thought, the life of a cat
-is not so very pleasant after all.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>For the last half hour I have been deeply
-interested in the manœuvres of a large rat in
-the yard of an adjacent house. He has made
-three unsuccessful attempts to go up the sink-spout.
-Thrice has he glided up the slippery
-incline until the tip of his long tail disappeared
-from view, but as often has he beat a hasty
-retreat, assisted on his downward way by a
-rushing torrent of hot dish-water.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_304'>304</span>
-<img src='images/p304.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>ON A RAID.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>He is a determined fellow, however, and
-sticks to an enterprise with the spirit and pertinacity
-of a world-seeking Columbus, or a prison-breaking Monte Christo. No doubt the hungry
-edge of appetite is whetted by the strong effluvium
-arising from Limburger cheese (the people
-are Germans) that fills the whole atmosphere
-with an odor truly agreeable to the rodent nose,
-every time the pantry door is opened. The
-cheese has been lately stirred up, I presume, by
-the trenchant knife of Pater-familias, and consequently
-the poor hunger-pinched rat is allured
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_305'>305</span>up the spout at this inopportune hour, while the
-servant girl is washing the dishes.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Every living creature has its weakness. The
-horse whinnies when the oats draw nigh, and
-forgets the galling collar. Sheep, that at other
-times will not come within gunshot, grow tame
-and unsuspicious when the salt is shaken in the
-pan.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The hog has a penchant for clover-roots, or
-wherefore does the rusted wire ring ornament
-his nose? Is it there because it is the fashion?
-Ask the farmer.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>And undoubtedly cheese is the weakness of
-the rat family. It is their aim, and often their
-end, too. It is the shrine to bow down before
-which the rat will jeopardize his life every hour
-of the twenty-four.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>He dreams of it. In his fitful slumbers he
-beholds it ranged around him tier on tier, as in
-a great store room, and not a cat within forty
-leagues. He is in the rat’s Paradise, and happy.
-No deceptive poisons that consume the stomach,
-no insidious, subtle traps, yawning ready to
-clutch the unsuspecting victim, surround him.
-He is safe and at peace, and would dwell there
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_306'>306</span>forever and forever in one unbroken endless
-night. But the heavy rumbling of a dray startles
-him, for all sweet dreams have their wakings,
-alas! that it is so! He wakes, and where is he?
-Under the wet sidewalk, drenched and tousled
-with the drippings of the day’s rain, with nothing
-for breakfast but a dry onion peel, the prog of
-the previous night, which nothing but a forty-eight
-hours’ fast could induce him to seize. Ah,
-me! what chances the fellow has to take in order
-to secure sufficient sustenance to keep life and
-body together.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Honor pricks me on,” soliloquized old Sir
-John, on the field of Shrewsbury, when he withdrew
-from the general clash and rendering up
-of souls, to breathe a spell, and moralize upon
-the insignificance of Fame, or Honor, as against
-the value of life. But nothing pricks on the poor
-rat but his craving little digestive organs. The
-mill is crying out for grists, the hopper is empty,
-the stone still turning, and something must be
-done, and that quickly.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>No honor is attached to the expedition, and
-even though he should succeed in making the
-“inning,” which is doubtful, all that can be said
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_307'>307</span>is that he has “gone up the spout,” and in the
-common acceptation of the saying, that is certainly
-nothing to be very highly elated over.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I actually feel ashamed when I think of the
-many projects I have abandoned through life,
-because I met with slight reverses. Here before
-me is this poor water-soaked rat, his hair still
-smoking from his recent scald, emerging once
-more from behind the wood box, determined to
-solve the problem of the sink-spout or perish in
-the attempt. A grim smile of resolution seems
-to part his pointed features, as he moves quietly
-up to the dripping conduit from which he lately
-scampered with steaming ribs.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>They may talk of deeds of noble daring, of
-vaulting the breach, or traversing the wild; but
-for sterling courage, for indomitable perseverance
-and pluck, commend me to this little
-adventurer in my neighbor’s yard. In the face
-of three scalding inundations, he ventures again
-upon the expedition, unshaken, unsubdued, unterrified.
-He takes more chances and subjects
-himself to more risks in ascending that spout
-than old Samuel de Champlain in exploring up
-the St. Lawrence among the Iroquois.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_308'>308</span>What if the large flea-pasturing dog lying
-indolently in the yard would rouse from the
-lethargic sleep that holds him, and for once
-make himself useful by thrusting his bristling
-muzzle up the orifice after the little explorer,
-thereby cutting off retreat in the event of another
-disastrous deluge? The terrible result of such
-an action on the part of the dog is too painful
-and improbable to contemplate.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p308.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div><span class='pageno' id='Page_309'>309</span></div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p309.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div>
-  <h2 class='c004'>THE GLORIOUS FOURTH.</h2>
-</div>
-
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='large'>Y</span>ou need not wake to call me, to call me, mother dear,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For to-morrow’ll be the noisest day of all the passing year;</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_310'>310</span>Of all the passing year, mother, the most uproarious day,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And I, you bet, will stirring be before the morning gray.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>A flag-staff will be hoisted, mother, two hundred feet in air,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And cannon will be ranged around the whole of Union Square,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And on the instant Phœbus shoots his arrows o’er the hill,</div>
-      <div class='line'>There’ll be a roar will shake the shore as far as Watsonville.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>You know the tailor’s nephew, mother, they call him Squinty Ware;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Last year he powdered Perry’s jaw, and blinded Dobson’s mare,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And while his poor old grandmamma was peeping through the blind,</div>
-      <div class='line'>She got a “whiz” in her old phiz, that she’ll forever mind.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And Henrietta Loring, mother, tied crackers to the tail</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of Deacon Reed’s big, lazy hound, while eating from a pail;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And goodness! gracious! how he jumped, and dusted for the shed;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And in a moment every straw was blazing in his bed.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_311'>311</span>And you’d have died of laughter, mother, I’m certain, if you saw</div>
-      <div class='line'>Old Deacon Reed run out to tramp upon the burning straw;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And when he ran to get the hose—for tramping would not do—</div>
-      <div class='line'>His wig blew off, and down the street for half a block it flew.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p311.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>CELEBRATING THE FOURTH.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I <em>know</em> it was not proper, mother, and I ashamed should be</div>
-      <div class='line'>To stand and gag, just like a wag, another’s loss to see;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But ’twas a sight that got me quite, and I’ll be old indeed</div>
-      <div class='line'>When I forget the comic look of that old Deacon Reed.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_312'>312</span>I’ve got a rousing pistol, mother, the loudest in the block;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And I have filed the little catch that holds the thing at cock,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And hardly do I get the charge of powder in the bore,</div>
-      <div class='line'>When off it goes just with a shake, and thunder! what a roar!</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So sleep on if you can, dear mother, and have no thought of me,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For I’ll be up and charging round before there’s light to see;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And when you hear a bang that makes the ring dance in your ear,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then you can bet your scissors, mother, that I am somewhere near.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p312.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_313'>313</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>JIM DUDLEY’S SERMON.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Hereafter I shall have no faith in reports.
-Last week I heard that Jim Dudley had
-left the city, and was congratulating myself on
-at last escaping him. But my congratulations
-were premature. Last night he called upon
-me, and kept me in torture for fully two hours;
-at a time, too, when I should have been asleep.
-But what cared he for that? The scoundrel!
-there was no shaking him off. He sticks to a
-person like mortar to a brick. I had to sit and
-listen, though I do honestly believe every word
-the fellow uttered was an unqualified lie; but
-he swears to its truth, and how can I prove it
-otherwise. It is better to take it as it comes
-and ask no questions for conscience’ sake.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I never told you about the sermon I preached
-over in Misertown one Sunday. I had a time
-of it thar and no mistake. Hold on a minute
-and I’ll tell you how it was.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_314'>314</span>“You see, Gil Bizby—that plaguey shirk, I
-never mention his name but what I feel like
-trouncin’ of him—but he was a genius though
-and no foolin’ about it, a natural born inventor,
-chock full of notions as a toy shop.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p314.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>SOMETHING NEW.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“But somehow or another he never could
-bring anythin’ to a payin’ focus. Allers whittlin’
-and borin’ and plannin’ around though.
-Wherever you’d meet him he’d be haulin’ out
-of his pocket some old drawin’, with more
-wheels and contrivances pictured out on it than
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_315'>315</span>you could think of in a twelve hours’ dream.
-He never could git the cap sheaf onto his
-endeavor though. Allers somethin’ amiss; a
-wheel too many, or another one wantin’, or too
-many cogs to have the thing work just right.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He invented a contrivance for pluckin’
-chickens.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“That was a rustler. He shoved the fowls
-through a machine somethin’ like a corn sheller,
-an gin ’em an electric shock while passin’
-along, and shot ’em out of a spout at t’other
-end of the machine as bare as weavers’ shuttles.
-He didn’t make anythin’ out of it though.
-He had to chuck ’em through while alive, you
-see, and that clashed with the law. When he
-took the machine down to the city to introduce
-it to the pultry dealers, the society fellers who
-look out for the interests of dumb critters got
-arter him and sewed him up. They put a reef
-in his jib pooty quick now, I tell you.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“They were passin’ along through the market
-one day, and they saw Gil just a humpin’
-himself showin’ off the apparatus to the market
-men. He was crankin’ and pumpin’ away, like
-a sailor when there’s fifteen feet of water in the
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_316'>316</span>hold and still rizin, and the chickens were a
-screamin’ and a scootin’ through the contrivance,
-close as if they were run on a string
-head ag’inst tail, and just a cloud of feathers
-hoverin’ around over it. Didn’t they fasten on
-to that Gil Bizby though? They snatched him
-up quicker than if he had been hoss-stealin’,
-and confiscated his plucker, and tucked an
-alfired heavy fine onto him besides.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Meetin’ with such poor encouragement in
-that direction he went back to Sculleyville, and
-set out to invent a thunderin’ great machine for
-layin’ cobble-stones. That was just him all
-over; allers startin’ in to git up some outlandish
-lookin’ thing. This machine was a crusher and
-no gettin’ ‘round it. It was fearful enough to
-make a cow slip her cud, I’ll be shot if it wasn’t.
-It looked somethin’ like Noah’s ark set on
-wheels and filled with all kinds of machinery.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He started in to experiment one moonlight
-night in front of the court house, but got the
-main belt crossed or somethin’, I disremember
-just what, and Jerusalem! in less than ten
-minutes he ran the whole population out to the
-foot-hills in thar night clothes. There wasn’t
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_317'>317</span>no stoppin’ the consarned thing. Poor Gil was
-knocked senseless at the first revolution, and
-nobody else knowed how to control it. It rolled
-the whole length of the square, tearin’ up the
-stones it had pounded down the day before and
-sendin’ of ’em buzzin’ over the village in all
-directions.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“No home was sacred, and no head was safe,
-as the poet has it. Poor old Mrs. Scooley lived
-just long enough to learn this, and no longer.
-She was goin’ once too often to git her pitcher
-filled at the corner grocery that night, and a
-stone took her in the small of the back as she
-was enterin’ the door, and it h’isted her clear
-over the counter on top of a barrel; it’s true
-as I’m tellin’ it to you. Poor old body; she
-was the pioneer female of the village too. The
-first woman to wash a shirt in Sculleyville.
-But arter all, the town wasn’t much loser by
-her passin’ away.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“She was a sort of panicky old critter anyhow,
-always scary about catchin’ the smallpox
-or any other prevailin’ disease that come around.
-The old village physician said he would ruther
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_318'>318</span>see the very old scratch makin’ towards him on
-the street than old Mrs. Scooley.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p318.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE DOCTOR’S SCOURGE.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Comin’ from church or market, as the case
-might be, she would fasten on to him like a
-wood-tick to a leaf, and he couldn’t git rid of
-her nohow. She would have him time her pulse
-right thar on the sidewalk; and be a shovin’ of
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_319'>319</span>her tongue out for his inspection. And she
-did have such an unlimited, wallopin’ great
-tongue too; it seemed when she was shovin’ all<a id='t319'></a>
-of it out, as though she was actewelly disgorgin’
-her liver. It’s so, by Jingo! People would be
-a stoppin’ and standin’ thar, wonderin’ what
-was the matter with the old gal—that is, people
-that didn’t know her peculiarities; though most
-everybody in the village had seen her standin’
-in that position so often, that they would be
-more surprised to see her with her tongue in
-her mouth than projectin’ out in the rain.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The old Doctor used to be terribly annoyed.
-He would say, kind of hurriedly like, because
-he would be itchin’ to git away from her:</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Oh! you’re all right I reckon, Mrs.
-Scooley; but you had better be a gittin’ along
-home, and not stand too long in the cold air,
-with so much of your vital organs exposed to
-the weather; the result may be fearful if not
-fatal!’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“That would ginnerally start her off pooty
-lively towards her shanty. They say the first
-time the Doctor saw her tongue he was surprised
-so much that he looked actewelly
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_320'>320</span>skeered. Says he: ‘I’ve been nigh unto eight
-and thirty years a practicin’ physician, and until
-this moment I flattered myself that I was
-familiar with all the ins and outs of the profession.
-But I begin to think I gin over the
-dissectin’ knife too soon, for here’s somethin’
-that I was not prepared for.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“But that’s not tellin’ you about the sermon,
-is it? but when I mentioned that Gil Bizby, I
-sort of wandered off arter him and his contrivances.
-Wal, as I was about to tell you, Gil
-and I were saunterin’ around Misertown one
-Sunday, and we saw any number of gals goin’
-into the school-house where the preachin’ was
-carried on. So we concluded to step in and
-git a better look at some of ’em. I didn’t
-know many of the people round thar, but from
-what I heard I judged they were the meanest,
-close-fistedest set of sinners that ever had the
-gospel dispensed with amongst ’em.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I understood they had treated their minister
-plaguey mean when he fust come thar to look
-arter them. Thar was no regular place for
-him to stop, you see, and they agreed amongst
-themselves to take turns a keepin’ him until
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_321'>321</span>they could get a house up for him. He was
-one of those young, easy, green kind of fellers
-that had seemin’ly never been so far away from
-home before but what he could see the smoke
-of his father’s chimney, or smell his mother’s
-corn-dodgers burnin’. And they soon took
-advantage of it, and sort of played button with
-him, shovin’ him around from one to another as
-though he was too hot to hold.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He fust went to a feller by the name of
-Wigglewort. Ses Wig, ‘I’m really very sorry,
-Mr. Sermonslice, but we unfortunately have no
-accommodations for you at present. We have
-no place for you to sleep ’thout we put you in the
-barn, and the nights are ruther cold for that,
-besides the rats might annoy you. Sorry you
-happened to come just at this time, of all others
-the most embarrassin’. It’s not but what I
-would like to have you stop with us; I would
-indeed, Mr. Sermonslice, consider it an honor
-to have you.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The minister, takin’ his books under his
-arm, started out into the night as though his
-life depended upon the most prompt kind of
-action. He wasn’t within hailin’ inside of two
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_322'>322</span>minutes. He went over and succeeded in
-gettin’ lodgin’s with a feller named Joe Grimsby,
-who lived over by Frog Marsh.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p322.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>JOE GRIMSBY.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Joe was too derned lazy to do his own
-prayin’, and while the parson stopped with him
-he got rid of it. They do say he was the laziest
-old curmudgeon that ever turned up his
-eyes. He used to say a praar at the beginnin’
-of the month, and on the followin’ nights he
-would always allude to it in a sort of matter-offact
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_323'>323</span>way. ‘You know my feelin’s towards ye.
-Nothin’ hid from ye I reckon. I haven’t changed
-my sentiments yet. If I do I’ll let ye know of
-it. I’ll keep nothin’ back from you, though it
-should take the har off.’ He would go on in
-that business-like way, and the hul time be
-a crawlin’ into bed.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Wal, as I was goin’ to tell you, Gil and I
-poked into the buildin’, and sat down thar
-amongst the congregation.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The minister hadn’t come yet, and pooty
-soon an old feller got up, and ses he, ‘It may
-be the minister has had a late breakfast and
-will not git here for some time yet. In the
-meantime, as it’s a dry season and our crops
-need a shower of rain, we mout as well have a
-little prayin’ goin’ on. We can’t do much harm
-anyhow, and we may be the means of bringin’
-down a good smart shower that will be money
-in our pockets in the long run.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He asked several to take hold and do somethin’
-in that way, but one had a cold, and
-another one was just gettin’ over the mumps.
-And so on they went makin’ excuses. Finally
-the old feller turned to me, and ses he: ‘Perhaps
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_324'>324</span><em>you</em> would lead us, you look like one who
-has had some experience that way.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I thanked him for the compliment, but told
-him I was somethin’ like the officers in the army—I
-would ruther foller than lead. But he stuck
-to me like a Jew to a customer. Arter a while
-I consented, and jest as I was about startin’ in,
-a feller come in and said the minister had got a
-terrible ticklin’ in his throat caused by partly
-swallowin’ a har in the butter over to old Joe
-Grimsby’s, and couldn’t attend to his duties that
-day. So the old chap got up ag’in, and ses:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘We won’t have any preachin’ then, without
-some person present will volunteer to act in
-our pastor’s place this mornin’.’ But no one
-spoke up. ‘Perhaps,’ he ses, turnin’ to me,
-‘you would favor us by conductin’ the service,
-young man. You doubtless are competent to
-perform that duty.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“This sort of got me. Then the thought
-struck me perhaps I’d make somethin’ out of
-’em by it. Besides didn’t want to plead ignorance
-right thar amongst ’em, so gettin’ up, I
-ses: ‘This is somewhat unexpected. Honors
-foller one another pooty fast.’ With that I got
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_325'>325</span>into the pulpit and began to look down at ’em
-pooty seriously. Thar was no Bible on the
-desk, so I asked if thar was any person that
-would loan me one for the occasion.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Some of ’em spoke up and said they had
-books, but were in the habit of keepin’ em to
-foller along arter the minister, and correct him
-when he made a mistake. Besides they liked
-to see how he worked out the text. I looked
-at ’em some time pooty hard. I thought they
-beat anythin’ I had come across for some time,
-and I had a good mind to git down ag’in, only
-I allowed they’d laugh at me. So I ses, ‘all
-right. You can keep your books. I reckon I
-know enough by heart to git along with.’ I then
-gin out somethin’ for them to sing.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Short or long meter?’ inquired the leader
-of the singers, who were settin’ over in the
-corner. I didn’t exactly understand him. As I
-knowed he was in the habit of meetin’ Sal Clippercut
-over to Mrs. Curry’s every Sunday
-afternoon, I allowed he was askin’ for somethin’
-shorter, as he was longin’ to meet her. I spoke
-up pooty sharp, and ses, ‘You will please sing
-what I gin you to sing. I reckon you aren’t
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_326'>326</span>longin’ to meet her so bad but what you can
-wait until arter the service is over. She’ll keep
-that long, I reckon, without spilin’. I know her.
-She isn’t none of your Spring chickens nuther,’
-I contin’ed, just like that, and you ought to have
-seen the way he looked; and the gals commenced
-to snicker and crowd thar handkerchiefs
-into thar mouths.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“One little red-faced critter that sat alongside
-of him tittered right out. Her mother who was
-sittin’ near by jumped up and ses: ‘Becky Jane,
-you go right straight hum this minute, and go
-to peelin’ the ‘taters for dinner.’ But a feller
-who looked as though his mother had been a
-mullator, or even somethin’ of a darker shade,
-got up and ses:</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘The gal isn’t to blame in the least. It’s
-that feller in the pulpit thar. I for one don’t
-want to hear any more of his lingo.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Wal, then, you can stuff wool in your ears,’
-I ses, ‘and you won’t have far to go to get it
-nuther,’ I contin’ed, just that way, alludin’ to his
-own har, which seemed pooty woolly.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“You ought to see how they looked, fust at
-him, then at me. He colored up, I reckon, but
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_327'>327</span>he was too black to show it. I heard him grit
-his teeth from whar I was standin’. He didn’t
-say any more, but an old woman who was settin’
-near jumped up, and ses she:</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘The meetin’-house is turned into a thayeter!
-When a muntybank gets into the pulpit
-it is high time for respectable people to be
-movin’. I’ll leave!’ she exclaimed, pullin’ her
-shawl around her shoulders and beginnin’ to
-bustle out of her seat.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Wal, ye kin go!’ I hollered, jest that way,
-for I was beginnin’ to git sort of riled at the
-way things war a goin’. When I’m talkin’ politics
-or arguin’ over the merits of whisky, I can
-bear crossin’ and any amount of contradiction.
-But right thar, where a feller had to be choice
-of his language, it was different business. ‘Ye
-kin go,’ I ses. ‘We kin git along without you,
-I reckon. We’re willin’ to chance it, anyhow.
-Take your knittin’ along; don’t leave that behind,’
-I contin’ed, pointin’ to the seat as though
-I saw it lyin’ thar. I didn’t though, but I wanted
-to give her a mi’ty hard rub, for I suspected her
-piety was put on, and that she was displeased
-because nobody was noticin’ her new bonnet.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_328'>328</span>“The hul congregation took it for granted
-that the knittin’ <em>was</em> thar, and you ought to
-have seen ’em stretchin’ and cranin’ out thar
-necks as far as they could to get a look into
-the pew.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p328.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>TRUTH IS POWERFUL.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>One old feller that was settin’ back pooty
-far, craned out kind of quarterin’ ruther suddenly
-and his neck gin a crack like a bon bon.
-He commenced oh! ohin’ and tryin’ to git it
-back to its old position ag’in, but he couldn’t
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_329'>329</span>make any headway until his wife went to rubbin’
-and chafin’ of it, right thar.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“But that old woman, whew! She was as
-mad as a wet hen. She couldn’t hardly find
-the door, she was so mixed up. When she
-finally got thar she turned round and straightenin’
-of herself up she ses, ‘Young man!’—Before
-she got any further I broke in on her,
-for I judged she had a tongue that was hung in
-the middle. So I ses, ‘That’ll do, that’ll do,
-Mrs. You kin move along. You’re disturbin’
-the peace of the congregation, and besides
-all that you’re showin’ your false teeth mi’ty bad
-in the bargain.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“She got out arter that pooty lively, now I
-can tell you. I could see her as she went up
-the road towards her home, and two or three
-times she stopped and turnin’ around acted as
-though she had half a mind to come back and
-try the hul thing over ag’in. But arter standin’
-thar a while thinkin’ like a pig when it’s listenin’
-to the grass takin’ root, she would shake her
-head and move along up the turnpike as though
-she concluded she had enough of that kind of
-pie.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_330'>330</span>“This piece of performance sort of throwed
-me off the track. While I was standin’ thar
-thinkin’ where to start in with the discourse, Gil
-Bizby come a crawfishin’ up the steps to one
-side of me and whisperin’ ses, ‘I say, Jim, you
-haven’t got to chock blocks already, have ye?’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘No,’ I answered, ‘I ain’t got to chock
-blocks, but I’ve got the ropes twisted around
-and things look ginnerally mixed jist now, I can
-tell ye.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Wall, start in on the sermon at once then,’
-he urged, ‘for they are gettin’ mi’ty impatient
-now I can tell you. You’ve got to be doin’
-<em>somethin’</em> pooty quick. But whatever you do,’
-he contin’ed, ‘don’t git up very high without
-havin’ some idea how you are goin’ to git down
-ag’in. Keep steerin’ around waters that you’ve
-piloted over before. Remember a blind mouse
-shouldn’t venture very far from its hole, especially
-if thar’s a whole generation of cats
-watchin’ of it.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“With that he backed down to his seat ag’in,
-and took out his pencil and began to design a
-machine for pickin’ the bones out of fish, on
-the fly-leaf of a book that was lyin’ thar. So
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_331'>331</span>I started in on the sermon. It wasn’t much of
-a sermon, to be sure. It was more like a
-lectur’. I couldn’t think of any passages of
-scriptur’ just then, so I gin ’em the line from
-the philosopher, ‘Why does the frightened dog
-depress his tail when he runneth?’</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p331.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>MR. SPUDD.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“You ought to have seen ’em rustlin’ and
-turnin’ the leaves, huntin’ to find the passage.
-One old feller by the name of Spudd commenced
-to paw over the pages, and his wife ses,
-‘Don’t go that way; turn back to the Book of
-Job.’ He looked round at her with his under
-lip stickin’ out jest that way, arter wettin’ of his
-thumb to start turnin’ over ag’in, and ses, ‘Job
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_332'>332</span>be biled and buttered! I kin pick old Solomon
-from amongst a thousand of ’em. He was
-sound on the goose, he was.’</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id004'>
-<img src='images/p332.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE OLD INTERROGATOR.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_333'>333</span>“Two or three of ’em started in to ask me
-where the text was located, but I kept on talkin’
-right straight along, lookin’ around to all of
-’em at once and no one in particular. I didn’t
-gin ’em a chance to stop me ag’in, or git a
-word in edgeways. One singular-lookin’ old
-coon with a weed on his hat got up and stood
-signalin’ of me, and waitin’ and watchin’ for a
-chance to ask me somethin’. But I never let
-on to see him. I reckon he stood thar five
-minutes with his finger up pointin’ to attract
-my attention, and his mouth open so wide, that
-from my elevated position I could tell what he
-had swallowed for breakfast.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I gin ’em a sort of ramblin’ discourse,
-alludin’ to the prevailin’ passions, and errors of
-the age. Amongst other things I touched on
-jealousy a little,—I wanted to stir ’em up a
-trifle on that subject, because there was a great
-deal of jealousy in that neighborhood. The
-green-eyed monster was a-rantin’ and a-ravin’
-round in a good many households, and as it
-ginnerally turns out, there was least cause for it
-where it was most prevailin’. One old feller
-was moved by the first remark. When I said—quotin’
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_334'>334</span>from the poet—‘Jealousy in the wife
-is wuss than trichina in the pork,’ he leaned
-over to the man settin’ in the next pew and ses,
-‘I can’t tell you for the life of me whar he gits
-the passage, but it’s the solid truth, anyhow.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“So I went on and finished the sermon, or
-lectur’ ruther, and then I ses, ‘The choir will
-please sing the hymn beginnin’ “Give, give,
-give to the needy,” arter which I will pass
-around amongst the congregation and take up
-a collection for the benefit of the heathen in
-furrin parts.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Je-whitteker! You ought to have seen ’em
-turn around and look at each other when I said
-that. I can’t describe it to you. I can’t do the
-scene justiss. If I had told ’em I was goin’ to
-stay with them through the season, I could
-hardly have started ’em to thinkin’ any more
-than I did by tellin’ ’em about that collection
-for the heathen in furrin parts.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Arter two or three attempts the singin’
-began. I closed my eyes, and leanin’ back in
-my chair minister-like, commenced to estimate
-the probable yield of each pew. While I was
-thinkin’ thar, and cal’latin’ how much I would
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_335'>335</span>make by the preachin’ business, I noticed the
-singin’ dyin’ out, and a dyin’ out slowly like, as
-the prisoner said his hopes were when the
-sheriff was a-fumblin’ around his neck adjustin’
-the rope. So I opened my eyes easy like, as
-though comin’ back to earthly scenes reluctantly,
-and you can water my whiskey if I wasn’t just
-in time to see ole Ned Scullet’s coat-tails
-whiskin’ around the door jamb, the hindmost
-rag of the congregation. Women and children
-and all were gone sure enough. On lookin’
-out of the winder I see ’em a-scatterin’ and a-hustlin’
-and elbowin’ themselves ahead of each
-other along the turnpike, as though thar was
-great danger in bein’ left behind.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Would you believe it, thar was that plaguey
-shirk Gil Bizby a-cranin’ up the hill a-leadin’
-the crowd. I sat thar a while lookin’ after ’em
-and then, comin’ down I began to look around
-a little, and pooty soon I noticed that several
-of ’em left thar hats, they were in such a hurry
-to git out. So I selected a good one, only ’twas
-a little out of fashion, and puttin’ it on I ses to
-myself, ‘If you think I’m interested enough in
-your welfare here or hereafter to preach to you
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_336'>336</span>for nothin’, you’re mistaken, I reckon.’ With that
-I walked out, but not until I had kicked the
-remainin’ hats around the room pooty lively.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The next day I noticed an old feller with a
-dilapidated beaver on, that looked as if it had
-done duty on a scarecrow for several seasons,
-sidlin’ up to me, and circlin’ around two or
-three times lookin’ mi’ty close at my tile. I’ll
-allers think it was his stove-pipe, but he was
-too much ashamed to come right out and lay
-claim to it.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“But that Gil Bizby! I didn’t wonder so much
-at the congregation dustin’, arter all, cause they
-didn’t know me, but <em>he</em>!—well, no matter, I’ll
-git even on him yet.”</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p336.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_337'>337</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>THE POISONED PET.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>It was my good fortune the other day to attend
-a picnic in the country. A lady friend insisted
-on tacking her pet boy to me on that
-occasion. As she couldn’t go herself she wanted
-me to have an eye to “sonney,” and see that
-he didn’t come in contact with poison-oak. She
-assured me he was a good boy and would mind
-me as if I was his father! I didn’t pine for the
-pet’s company, but could not very well refuse
-her request. So he went with me.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I very soon found out he was one of those
-smart children, who, by a strange freak of nature,
-are placed in possession of an impudence that
-prompts them to believe they know more at the
-age of eight than your average adult.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>My will and his wishes soon clashed.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Then the thought entered my head that his
-mother misrepresented “sonney’s” obedient
-nature. “If this is the obedience that an offspring
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_338'>338</span>manifests to a father,” I mentally murmured,
-“it were better to be destitute of the
-offspring.” The boy sauced me. He even went
-so far as to call me names anything but flattering,
-while I was sitting in the presence of a
-young lady I most ardently adored. “Go on,
-sonney!” I said to myself savagely, “go on,
-precocious youth, there are no raging bears in
-this suburban park to tear the flesh from the
-bones of mouthy children who ‘sauce’ their
-betters, as did the animals in the days of
-prophets; but nature in other ways has made
-provision for such as you, and has sprinkled a
-few shrubs around here that can pile the flesh
-on to a person’s bones to an alarming degree,
-if they get a fair chance.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>After that I paid no attention to him. He ran
-at will, browsed through the vines like a hungry
-deer, and burrowed into the very heart of
-the poison-oak and ivy, with as little fear as a
-quail retiring to roost. He enjoyed himself
-immensely; so he informed me in the evening.
-I am glad he did, for he is having a quiet time
-of it now. I saw him this morning, and his face
-was as full of expression as a Christmas pudding
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_339'>339</span>new rolled from the cloth. I think my lady
-friend will not be over-anxious to appoint me
-guardian over her dutiful son at another picnic.
-In the interests of art I have made a sketch of
-“sonney” as he appeared this morning, striving
-to recognize me by my voice, which he failed to
-do, however, being deaf as he was blind.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p339.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>HAVING A QUIET TIME.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_340'>340</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>SEEKING FOR A WIFE.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>And it came to pass about the year one thousand
-eight hundred and seventy-three,
-being in the autumn, when the new wine was
-oozing from the press, and the corn was hardening
-in the crib, a bachelor, a farmer of great
-possessions, dwelling in the valley of Berryessa,
-bent above his resting plow, and thus
-communed with himself:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“My stacks are builded, my wine is dripping
-from the press, the ripe ears are garnered in
-my cribs, my flocks and herds feed fat upon the
-hills; and yet, because of my loneliness, am I
-unhappy.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I will arise at eve and repair to my neighbor’s
-cottage. Peradventure the aged widow
-of the murdered gypsy can counsel me.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>So when the evening hour was come, the
-farmer arose and sought the aged widow’s
-abode.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_341'>341</span>And as he drew nigh to the cottage, he lifted
-up his eyes and, behold! the crone sat upon
-her door-step.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p341.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE CRONE.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>And when the dame looked upon the farmer
-she knew his heart was troubled; but she knew
-not the cause.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_342'>342</span>So, lifting up her voice she cried, inquiringly:
-“What aileth my neighbor? Has aught befel
-thy goods? Has bruin descended from the
-mountains to worry thy flocks? Or, are thy
-stacks consumed? that thus you droop your
-eyelids to the path, and move as by a hearse.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>And the farmer, drawing nigh, replied: “My
-flocks unharmed graze sleek upon the hills; my
-stacks stand unconsumed; yet is my spirit
-heavy, because my walks are lonely and my
-heart is sad, and I come as one seeking counsel.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Then answered the dame reprovingly: “Out
-upon thee, for a fusty, dreamy bachelor! Go
-take to thyself a wife; then will thy walks be
-no more lonely, neither will thy heart be sad.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>But he, answering her sorrowfully, said:
-“Mock me not, good madam, but look with
-pitying eyes upon me, and hearken to my voice.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Behold I am now well stricken in years, my
-body is stooping to the grave, my manners, like
-my hands, are rough; my blood, like my hair,
-is thin; and my teeth but shine in memories of
-the past.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“How, then, can I win maidens’ hearts?
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_343'>343</span>Alas! on the contrary, they would giggling flee
-from before me; no hope for me remains; if I
-would wed, I needs must wed a squaw!” And
-his countenance fell.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Then was the crone exceedingly displeased,
-because he said, “I needs must wed a squaw,”
-and she answered him derisively, saying:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Go to! Ye speak as with the beak of a
-parrot, and with the understanding of a babe!
-Are ye studied in books and know not the
-proverb, ‘A golden snare will catch the wildest
-hare?’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Do not your stacks dot the vale below like
-an Egyptian camp? Are not your tanks brimming
-with wine and your cribs grinning with
-corn?</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Do not your cattle graze upon an hundred
-hills? and your industrious laborers follow in
-the furrow? And are ye still afeared? Oh,
-ye of doubting mind!</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Go, get thee to thy chest and take to thyself
-suitable coin, and hasten to that great city
-by the sea—whose churches point to heaven,
-but whose people bow to gold.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_344'>344</span>“There sojourn for a season, and make
-no delay in adorning thyself with precious
-stones.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Put diamonds upon thy bosom and rings
-upon thy fingers, and be zealous to stand in
-the hall-ways and in the market-places, and in
-the houses of exchange.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Seek to be observed of the people, and
-take heed that ye look upon all men as being
-thy servants.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“And let thy wealth be noised abroad.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Then shall rise up in the house of mourning
-the widow of a month, and dry her weeping
-eyes.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Then shall the maid of many summers lay
-aside her pets, to readjust her charms, and disinter
-her smiles.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Then shall the doting damsel, when her
-parent maketh fast the door, creep out some
-other way.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“And they all shall come trooping as with
-the voice of birds to court thy smiles and thy
-manners, and thy years shall be as the silk of
-the spider in thy way.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_345'>345</span>Then was he exceedingly glad because of the
-crone’s advice, and he went away to his own
-home rejoicing.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id004'>
-<img src='images/p345.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>ATTENDING TO BUSINESS.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>And on the morrow he arose before it was
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_346'>346</span>yet day, and saddled his mule, and journeyed
-to the great city by the sea, and lodged at the
-house of a friend.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>And he made haste to purchase diamonds,
-and rubies, and emeralds, and onyx-stones, and
-sapphires, and put massive rings upon his
-fingers, and seals upon his chain.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>And even as the crone had directed, he
-scrupled not to stand in the hall-ways, and in
-the market-places, and in the houses of exchange,
-and sought to be observed of the
-people, and lived as a man having great possessions.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>And not many days after, a fair lady of that
-place looking from her window, saw that the
-stranger shone like the mid-day sun, even so
-much that her heart was warmed.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>So she called the keeper of the house aside
-and questioned him concerning the stranger,
-saying:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Who is this stranger that lodgeth in thy
-house, who beameth with jewels like the noonday
-sun? Make him known to me, for he is a
-choice and goodly man, and my heart warmeth
-for the stranger.”</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_347'>347</span>
-<img src='images/p347.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>PARTNER WANTED.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>Then answered the good man of the house,
-“He is a sojourner from the valley of Berryessa,
-and lo, he is a man of great possessions;
-and moreover, take heed if he cometh in your
-way, that ye smile graciously upon him, for be
-it known unto you he is a bachelor, who cometh
-amongst us seeking a wife.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_348'>348</span>Then was the damsel exceedingly moved.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>And when it came to pass that the stranger
-was introduced to her, she smiled graciously
-upon him, and she opened her mouth and spake
-knowingly of barley, and of rye, and of corn in
-the ear, and of tares.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>And she also spake of four-footed beasts, of
-calves, of pigs, and of goats, and cattle after
-their kind; and of fowls; of doves, and of
-ducks, and of geese, and poultry after their
-kind.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>And she spoke also of cabbages, and of
-squashes, and of turnips, and of new laid eggs,
-and of honey, and of buckwheat cakes, and of
-cheese, and of sausages!</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>And lo! the farmer’s heart was touched, for
-she was comely to look upon, and wise withal.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>And he communed within himself, saying:
-“Surely this maid would indeed be a great
-catch, she would make her husband’s home
-cheerful, and in divers ways pluck from the
-palm of life the festering thorns. Beshrew me,
-but I will lay strong siege to the damsel’s heart.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>So he made haste to pull wide open the mouth
-of his purse and loaded her with presents, for
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_349'>349</span>the damsel had found favor in his eyes, and he
-sought to win her.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>And not many days after he espoused the
-maiden, and there was great feasting and merry
-making at that house, and the same was heard
-of the neighbors.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>And on the following day, the farmer took
-her to his own home, in the valley of Berryessa,
-and they lived happily together for the space of
-many years.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>DAVID GOYLE, THE MILLER MAN.</h2>
-</div>
-<p class='c012'>“’Tis a strange cap: ’Twill give and take, and fit many
-heads.”—<cite>Old Volume.</cite></p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='large'>O</span>h, will you hear with patient ear,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The story I’ll relate</div>
-      <div class='line'>About man’s infidelity,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And learn his losses great?</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>There lived a little miller once,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Who owned a tiny mill;</div>
-      <div class='line'>While there was water in his pond</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The stones were never still.</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_350'>350</span>For not a man the country round,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>From Inyo to the Bay,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Was closer to his business found,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Than David Goyle, they say.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Let people pass at eve, or noon,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or at the break of day,</div>
-      <div class='line'>They’d see the dusty miller there</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And hear the hoppers play;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But when the narrow stream run dry,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The miller was at fault;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The rack-a-tacket mill reposed</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As silent as a vault.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The little vicious artisan</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Had spun his silken snare</div>
-      <div class='line'>Across the dusty flour-chute,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And silent gearing there;</div>
-      <div class='line'>While in the elevator’s cup</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was heard the mouse’s squeak,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And village children in the flume</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Dry-shod, played hide-and-seek.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Said David to his wife one day,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>“I think, while water’s low,</div>
-      <div class='line'>I’ll take a business trip to town,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Just for a week or so;</div>
-      <div class='line'>I have not ground a peck of grain,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>’Tis now eight days or more;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But sat and picked, and picked the stones,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And dressed their surface o’er.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_351'>351</span>Then turned his little loving wife—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With much concern, said she,</div>
-      <div class='line'>“I hope while you are stopping there,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That you will careful be;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And shun those dark and narrow streets</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Where rogues do congregate,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And look from out their low retreats</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As spiders watch and wait.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“Have not the city papers teemed</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With incidents, wherein</div>
-      <div class='line'>Some people proved not what they seemed,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And took the stranger in?</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then trust not smiles, or cunning wiles;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Be careful where you tread;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The very ground beneath your feet</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With pitfalls may be spread;</div>
-      <div class='line'>There’s not a trick, a trap, or plot,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or scheme of any sort—</div>
-      <div class='line'>From playing fine to drugging wine—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To which they’ll not resort.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then leaned this little miller man</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Away back in his chair,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And laughed until his anxious wife</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Thought he would strangle there.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Said he, “You much amuse me, wife;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Have you forgot, my dear,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That I have traveled in my life,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And came from Jersey here?</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_352'>352</span>“Or can you for a moment think</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Your husband’s mind is crude?</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or deem that I the cup would drink,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>By Temperance men tabooed?</div>
-      <div class='line'>Those who can get the start of me,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In country or in town,</div>
-      <div class='line'>By Jove, must early risers be,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And you can put that down.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>For he was vain, this miller man,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Who thought his mind so vast;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But look with me, and we will see</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>How he comes out at last.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>In course of time he reached the town,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To stop a week or more;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And in a large hotel was lodged,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Upon the second floor;</div>
-      <div class='line'>If you should doubt my word in this,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Step over to the “Grand;”</div>
-      <div class='line'>You’ll find his name recorded there,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And in a scrawling hand.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>It chanced—but hold! ere more I say,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or sentence more you read,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Are you prepared with me to stray</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Wherever he may lead?</div>
-      <div class='line'>You are! all right, then “on’s” the word,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Again my pen I hold,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And blame me not, if I should jot</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Down facts he’d wish untold.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_353'>353</span>It chanced while Dave was strolling down</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A certain crowded street,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>(Its name at present slips my mind,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or you’d have all complete)—</div>
-      <div class='line'>He met a stranger in the way,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Who brought him to a stand;</div>
-      <div class='line'>He smiled upon him as in joy</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And reached a friendly hand.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p353.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE NEW ACQUAINTANCE.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He hailed the stranger, no, I think,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The stranger him addressed;</div>
-      <div class='line'>I would not do the fellow wrong,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He’s bad enough at best.</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_354'>354</span>The stranger spoke him very free;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He came from Jersey, too;</div>
-      <div class='line'>For he was sharp as one can be;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He thought his folks he knew.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“There was a Goyle;—yes, yes, I’m sure;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>How strange that we should meet!</div>
-      <div class='line'>I’ve passed his house a thousand times,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And met him on the street.”</div>
-      <div class='line'>The miller scarce could credit this;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But frank he seemed and fair,</div>
-      <div class='line'>So he resolved to step inside,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And talk the matter there.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>There is a drug that bunco men</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Do mingle with the wine</div>
-      <div class='line'>They give to country friends like Dave,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For what, I can’t divine.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Perhaps those thoughtful rascals deem</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The noisiness of town</div>
-      <div class='line'>Might not allow refreshing sleep</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To weigh their eyelids down.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But whether this the cause, or not,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Enough for you and me</div>
-      <div class='line'>To know, the wine that David got</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was not from mixtures free!</div>
-      <div class='line'>Oh! for a club to brain the knave</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Who could not see the snare;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Oh! for a spade to dig his grave,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And dump him headlong there.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_355'>355</span>The night has passed away at last;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Now hand in hand we’ll scout,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Now here, now there, with greatest care,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To search that miller out.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Thus, side and side, we first will glide</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>O’er letter, word, and line;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Until we stand that house beside,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Where Dave was drinking wine.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Oh, sight! so painful to the eyes,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>It dims them like a fog!</div>
-      <div class='line'>Within the house the miller lies,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As still as any log!</div>
-      <div class='line'>And not until the sun was high,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And bells in towers spoke,</div>
-      <div class='line'>From out that deep lethargic sleep</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He wonderingly awoke.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He gazed upon the papered wall;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The ceiling overhead;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But strange was paper, pictures all,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The foot-board of the bed.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Swift as the lightning’s flash destroys</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The spider’s flimsy toil,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Suspicion traveled through the head</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of the awakening Goyle.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>As starts the lodger from repose,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>When flames burst in the door,</div>
-      <div class='line'>So suddenly that miller rose,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And bounced upon the floor;</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_356'>356</span>One stride sufficed to reach the chair;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>On which his robes were cast;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But seemed it to that man an age,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Until he grasped them fast.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>No nimbler does the maiden’s hand</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Play o’er the keys of sound,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Than did that miller’s fingers glide</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In searching pockets round.</div>
-      <div class='line'>In vain he felt from tail to top;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The thief had gone before,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And harvested a golden crop,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>While he did dream and snore.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Gone was his purse, and all within;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A ring he valued more;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Gone watch and chain, the diamond pin</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That on his scarf he wore.</div>
-      <div class='line'>His little wife with miser care,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(And warning words, no doubt,)</div>
-      <div class='line'>With her own hands affixed it there</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The morning he set out.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Enraged, that miller waltzed around,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And like his hopper shook:</div>
-      <div class='line'>And swore by all the grists he ground,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And all the tolls he took,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That since the days when he was schooled</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In games of pitch and toss,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He never was so deeply fooled,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or so betrayed to loss!</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_357'>357</span>Ten times at least, that pallid man</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Strove to insinuate</div>
-      <div class='line'>His nervous limbs into his pants,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But failed to guide them straight.</div>
-      <div class='line'>First hop, hop, hop, to left he went,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Now, hop, hop, hop, to right!</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then hop, hop, backwards, till he rent</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The pants asunder quite!</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p357.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>A ONE-SIDED OPERATION.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Now partly in and partly out,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He polka’d here and there,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Now <i><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">chasse</span></i> up, now <i><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">chasse</span></i> back,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Then balanced o’er the chair.</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_358'>358</span>At last his toilet was complete,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The yawning rent was pinned,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And out into the narrow street</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He bolted like the wind.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He traveled towards the City Hall,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And vowed at every bound</div>
-      <div class='line'>That justice would he seek and have,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>If justice could be found.</div>
-      <div class='line'>The milkmen stopped their reckless drive,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or dropped the cup and can,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And leaned to catch a glimpse of Dave</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As down the street he ran.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Old women early out to mass</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>When Dave went racking by,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Would jump aside to let him pass,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Then to each other cry:</div>
-      <div class='line'>“The saints protect us! see him go</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Upon his wild career;</div>
-      <div class='line'>A crazy creature well I know,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>From some asylum near.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Suffice it here to be explained</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Before I close the tale,</div>
-      <div class='line'>The justice David Goyle obtained,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was not of much avail.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Go net the sea to catch the whale</div>
-      <div class='line'>That did on Jonah dine;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Go rake the land to find the stone</div>
-      <div class='line'>That slew the Philistine;</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_359'>359</span>But seek not her whose hoodwink’d eyes,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Proclaim her dealings just;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Well hangs her balance in the skies,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For here on earth they’d rust.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The rumbling stones are grinding now,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The water’s rushing down;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But do not bet that miller yet</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Forgets his trip to town.</div>
-      <div class='line'>For every waking hour he knows</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Throughout the twenty-four,</div>
-      <div class='line'>His scowling face and muttering shows</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He counts his losses o’er.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>There’s not a time he laves his hands,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But what that ring is missed!</div>
-      <div class='line'>(Its gold he gathered from the sands,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A gift the amethyst).</div>
-      <div class='line'>And oh, the query gives him pain,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>“What is the time of day?”</div>
-      <div class='line'>For to the missing watch and chain</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The miller’s mind will stray.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And now no more upon his breast</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The brilliant diamond shines,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Its lustre falls in other halls</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Where flow the noxious wines.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p359.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_360'>360</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>HEELS UP AND HEAD DOWN.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>A stout old gentleman was enjoying the
-luxury of a salt-water bath in the bay, a
-short distance from where I was fishing. As
-he was a poor swimmer—notwithstanding he
-had a good supply of blubber—he attached a
-couple of inflated air-bags to his shoulders, by
-means of a string under his arm-pits. During
-his splashing about, and his repeated endeavors
-to strike out like Cassius bearing Cæsar from
-the troubled waters of the Tiber, the floats
-changed their position from his shoulders to his
-hips. This change he was not prepared for,
-and the result was distressing in the extreme.
-He immediately commenced sinking—as sailors
-say—by the head. In vain would he make long
-and desperate reaches toward the bottom, striving
-to anchor his feet in the soft sand. Just as
-his toes would touch the bed below, the buoyancy
-of the supports and undercurrent combined
-would prevail against him.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_361'>361</span>Up would come his pedal extremities to the
-surface, and consequently down he would go,
-head first, like a pearl diver, grasping at the
-pebbles beneath. After making a commotion
-in the water like the screw of a tug boat, which
-brought small crabs and crawfish to the top
-with dismembered limbs, he would manage to
-get his head above water long enough to get a
-mouthful of fresh air, but retire immediately
-below to digest it. Some Italian fishermen,
-running in from the offing with their day’s
-catch, sighted the old gentleman beating off the
-Point. They mistook him for a “devil fish,” or
-some other odd-looking inhabitant of the briny
-deep, disporting itself in the sheltered waters
-of the bay. Getting out their hooks and harpoons
-ready for action, and changing course,
-they bore down with all possible speed in the
-direction of the singular monster.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The wind was blowing quite fresh, and it
-wasn’t long until the Italians came nigh enough
-to ascertain the real state of affairs, and rescue
-the unfortunate swimmer from his perilous
-situation. The fishermen rolled the old gentleman
-over a keg they had in the boat for half an
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_362'>362</span>hour, before his stomach could be emptied of
-its washy load and breathing rendered easy.
-When sufficiently relieved to admit of speech,
-the bather gave his rescuers to understand that
-in future the tide might ebb and flow, be warm
-as milk new drawn from the cow, and tranquil
-as a frozen pond, but a common bath-tub would
-be rivers, lakes—yea, oceans—to him during the
-remainder of his natural life.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>THE BITTER END.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>While in one of the interior counties to-day
-I stood beside the graves of six
-members of one household. The father and
-his five sons all fell in one sanguinary family
-feud.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>It seems an ill feeling had long existed between
-two families named respectively Frost
-and Coates. Though they frequently indulged
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_363'>363</span>in small skirmishes—from which black eyes,
-bloody noses, or slit ears were the principal
-trophies borne away—they had never met when
-their full forces were under arms. And for the
-happy hour that would bring about such a meeting,
-each party looked forward with interest, if
-not impatience.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>A day arrived at last, full of promise. It was
-an election day. Each party expected the other
-out in strength, with furbished arms, and prepared
-themselves accordingly. They took the
-street, resolved, that—</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in18'>“Ere the bat had flown</div>
-      <div class='line'>His cloistered flight: ere to black Hecate’s summons</div>
-      <div class='line'>The shard-borne beetle, with his drowsy hums,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Had rung night’s yawning peal, there would be done</div>
-      <div class='line'>A deed of dreadful note.”</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>Two planets keep not their motion in one
-sphere, nor could two quarrelsome families
-move long in a small village, or freely patronize
-the same groggeries without a collision. Towards
-evening they met, some mounted and
-more on foot, and from low jests amongst themselves
-respecting each other’s lack of prowess
-upon former occasions, the controversy soon
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_364'>364</span>reached the point of positive contradictions. As
-the “lie direct” is equivalent to a well-developed
-kick to your average fighting man, hostilities
-soon commenced.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p364.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>LIVELY WORK.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>The Coates family opened the engagement
-with a brisk fusilade, and at the first fire the
-gray-bearded patriarch of the Frost faction went
-down with all his imperfections on his head.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The firing now became general. “From rank
-to rank, the volleyed thunder flew.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_365'>365</span>Neutral parties fled from the street, and for
-a time transacted business with “closed doors.”
-The report of the firearms frightened the horse
-of a disinterested gentleman, who was riding
-through the village, and despite his efforts to
-control the animal, it dashed directly between
-the belligerent parties. The fighting men, however,
-did not slacken fire on his account, but
-blazed away without seeming to notice or care
-whether the agitated stranger went down in the
-general <em>melee</em> or not. Fortunately, the gentleman
-escaped injury, but it was certainly more
-by chance than good guidance. It is said so
-rapid was the fire that a steady blaze seemed
-issuing from the muzzle of their weapons.
-When the smoke of battle raised, five of the
-Coates family were lying dead.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>On the other side, Frost and one of his sons
-were killed, and a son-in-law mortally wounded.
-People say the funeral was a saddening spectacle.
-Amongst the mourners were mothers,
-daughters, sisters and wives.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>But the end was not yet.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Before the grass had taken root upon the
-graves, the ground was again broken, and another
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_366'>366</span>victim of the malignant feud was hidden
-from the sight of friends and foes.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The fires of hate still smouldered, and within
-a year another of the Coates family was put
-<i><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">hors du combat</span></i>, while going one night from the
-village to his ranch.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>He was seen leaving for home on horseback
-at nine o’clock, but about ten his horse ran
-masterless into the farm-yard. The man was
-found lying by the roadside dead, a bullet having
-passed through his head. Suspicion reverted
-to the Frost family, but no proof could be
-brought to establish their guilt. The public
-finger still points toward them, however, and
-doubtless will continue so to do for many a day,
-or until the mystery is cleared up.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p366.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_367'>367</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>A TRIP TO THE INTERIOR.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>A flying trip into the interior has not
-favorably impressed me. There were too
-many mosquitoes—too many graybacks. It is
-too far from civilization, and too nigh the sun.
-I stopped over night in a small city, and the
-first thing that attracted my attention on entering
-the place was the pale and sickly look of
-the inhabitants. This I attributed to the fever
-and ague, the hot weather, and impure river
-water which they drink. I was credibly informed
-by several parties that their pallor was
-owing to the quantity of blood that is nightly
-extracted from their veins by the mosquitoes.
-From the number of these pests infesting the
-place, it has taken the name of “The Mosquito
-City.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Those people who cannot indulge in such a
-luxury as mosquito bars, have to sleep during
-the day. They sit up nights and wage war
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_368'>368</span>against their ferocious enemies with tobacco
-smoke, burning leather, wet towels, or any other
-weapon to which they can conveniently resort.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p368.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>A MOSQUITO ON THE SCENT.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>To be stung by a black hornet or a scorpion
-is bad; to be bitten by a tarantula or rattlesnake
-is worse; but to be punctured to the
-bone by the bugle of one of these mosquitoes is
-terrible. They are enormous insects. When
-flying through the air they are as discernible as
-thistle-down, or even humming birds. The
-sharp tube through which they sap their victim’s
-blood is fully three-quarters of an inch
-long, and resembles a cambric needle; this
-they steadily and unhesitatingly press into the
-flesh until they either strike a bone, or their
-forehead prevents them from doing deeper
-injury.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_369'>369</span>Towards evening they rise with pining maws
-from the low, damp land around the city—</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“Innumerable as the blades of green,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That carpet the vale of the San Joaquin;”</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c016'>and as they close in upon the devoted inhabitants,
-their blended cries swell in pitch and compass
-until the sound resembles the impassioned
-tone of a fish-peddler’s horn. I stopped at a
-hotel in the lower part of the city, and before
-retiring for the night looked carefully about the
-room. As few mosquitoes were in sight, I concluded
-to sleep without using the bar. Congratulating
-myself on being assigned a room
-where so few of the common enemy of man
-were lying in wait, I extinguished the light and
-turned in.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Scarce was I stretched upon the couch when</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“At once there rose such hungry yells,</div>
-      <div class='line'>From every point the compass tells,”</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c016'>that I lost no time in striking a light and adjusting
-the netting. I now saw them emerging
-from every conceivable hiding place. Trooping
-they came, from behind picture-frames,
-from under the bureau; out of vases and
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_370'>370</span>old empty bottles. They were climbing and
-clambering and pitching towards me with
-energy. I noticed a steady stream of them
-shooting out of the closet through the key-hole,
-with such velocity that they went warping
-half-way across the apartment before they
-could check themselves sufficiently to tack
-around and dive for the bed.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>They had all they bargained for, to get
-safely through that key-hole, too. There was
-not much spare room, I can tell you. But for
-the great pressure from behind kept up by
-others anxious to get through, many a large
-fellow would have been sticking in that opening
-yet. But once they got started in, there
-was no backing out; no, indeed! On! on’,
-was the cry, and they pressed forward with a
-rush, often sacrificing a leg or wing by the
-maneuver. But they didn’t seem to care for
-the loss of one of those members so long as
-their bill remained intact. Deprive a mosquito
-of one wing, and he will seem to laugh
-at you while he makes the other do double
-duty. Brush off one leg, and he will shake the
-remaining ones triumphantly in your face.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_371'>371</span>
-<img src='images/p371.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>TO THE HILT IN BLOOD.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>But damage his bill and you demoralize him
-at once. He becomes immediately disheartened.
-He loses caste among his companions and confidence
-in himself. He wabbles about here and
-there to no purpose, like an old bachelor. You
-deprive him at once of his song and his supper.
-You can hardly picture to yourself a more dejected
-insect, one more hopelessly down in the
-mouth. He withdraws to the ceiling, or curtain,
-and looks with envious eyes upon his associates
-gorging themselves while his poor digestive
-organs are drying through inactivity.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>We would be inclined to pity him in his sad
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_372'>372</span>condition, were it not that we hold the whole
-insect race as coming under our ban. The
-whine of disappointment, long, loud and quavering,
-that went up when they ascertained I
-was protected, will always remain a fixture in
-my memory.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>As they closed around the bed, so numerous
-were they, their flight was actually impeded.
-Down they settled with locked wings on the
-bar above me, thick as snow-flakes around some
-old uprooted pine by the Madawaska. I had
-long heard of the mosquitoes of this locality, and
-was prepared for an introduction to formidable
-insects, but found them even worse than I expected.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Discouraged by the mosquitoes, I fled to a
-neighboring city, only to find that it is the
-stronghold of fever and ague. In other parts it
-may be more active for a few months of the
-year, but here it stays by the people like their
-consciences. The winds may rise and comb
-the valley until the very grass is lifted by the
-roots and borne to the mountains. The sun
-may grow weary of well doing, enter Capricorn,
-and for a season be hid; or the rains may
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_373'>373</span>descend until the narrow slough—by which the
-city is situated—becomes a wide-spreading lake,
-through which ships of the line might plow with
-safety; but the chills and fever stays by them
-still. There is no “shaking” it off. It holds its
-grip like a mortgage. The tender limbs of the
-new-born babe, and the pithless bones of ripe
-old age, shiver alike in its awful grasp.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The citizens of this sad place are a serious,
-matter-of-fact people, who seem to think it was
-not the original intention that men should spend
-any time in laughter, for they indulge very little
-in witticisms or humor. A good joke is often
-lost upon them, and the perpetrator of a bad
-one places himself in jeopardy. A person who
-attempts a pun that does not carry its point
-before it, like a sword-fish, is in danger of being
-immediately seized from behind and hurried in
-the direction of the Insane Asylum.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>While stopping in this delightful place I visited
-the small theatre of which the inhabitants
-are justly proud, and shall never forgive myself
-if I fail to mention the orchestra, that discoursed
-most eloquent music on that occasion.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_374'>374</span>
-<img src='images/p374.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE ORCHESTRA.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>Whether the regular musicians of the theatre
-were on a strike for higher wages, and the manager
-was obliged to bring in outside talent, I did
-not learn; but certain it was, the sole instrument
-that kept the audience awake between the acts,
-the night in question, was a large piece—a
-bassoon, I think—filled and manipulated by a
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_375'>375</span>stout, spectacled representative from the Faderland.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>In addition to the musician’s frog-shaped body—which
-of itself would doubtless have attracted
-my attention—he had a head that was truly a
-study. To say he was bald, is to make a remark
-that would be applicable to about two-thirds of
-the gentlemen in the theatre, but to say that his
-head was as smooth, as shiny, and devoid of
-hair, from the eyebrows to the very nape of the
-neck, as a billiard ball, is hardly doing the head
-justice. It seemed actually peeled.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Besides, it was of a conical form, and as I
-looked upon it I thought what an advantage it
-would have been to me in my younger days if I
-had had some such thing in the barn-yard, over
-which to break pumpkins for the cattle. I am
-certain a pumpkin or squash brought down
-upon such an object with well-centred precision,
-would fly into as many fragments as the Turkish
-Empire.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I was not the only person whose attention was
-arrested by that marvelous development. If a
-diamond the size of a rutabaga had suddenly
-flashed, the audience would scarcely have turned
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_376'>376</span>with greater haste to contemplate its beauties
-than they did to regard that head the instant the
-hat was removed.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>It had such a smooth and polished surface
-that the actors, as they passed back and forth
-upon the stage, were mirrored out upon it in
-Liliputian proportions. The large globe light
-was reflected so perfectly upon that glossy scalp
-that it shed a positive light to remote corners of
-the auditorium; and a person would look first
-at the head, then up at the globe, and then down
-at the head again, and <em>then</em> hardly be prepared
-to decide from which object the original rays of
-light proceeded.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The musician had one original “turn” which
-afforded me much amusement. At the commencement
-of a tune he would sit facing the
-stage, which was proper enough; but as he proceeded
-he would turn by degrees until he was
-sitting full face to the audience.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The gods in the gallery seemed to consider
-it their especial privilege to pelt his head with
-peanuts; and when one would happen to
-hit—which was quite often—it would bound
-and skip from the polished object in a
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_377'>377</span>manner that would invariably bring down the
-house.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Standing as it did in bold relief from the dark
-panel-work and drapery behind, it was a most
-excellent and inviting mark. Man though I am,
-with the sobering cares of life closing gloomily
-around me, I actually regretted I couldn’t try a
-shot at the old codger’s head myself.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>It has been said “The king of Shadows loves
-a shining mark.” If this is so, how that musician
-managed to escape the arrows so long is
-more than I can understand. For many a year
-he certainly has presented a target worthy the
-whole archery of the realm of Death.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The evening’s entertainment was made up of
-selections from Shakespeare’s tragedies, “Macbeth,”
-and “Othello.”</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_378'>378</span>
-<img src='images/p378.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>MACBETH.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>The principal actor, whose name I forget, was
-the oddest and hungriest looking player I ever
-saw stalk across a stage, or foam and fret in
-histrionic effort. He looked as though he had
-been dangling from the lowest spoke of Fortune’s
-wheel for the last twenty years. His
-make-up was terrible also, and after I learned
-the performance was not an intentional burlesque, I could hardly keep from hooting whenever
-he appeared. As the evening advanced,
-however, he warmed up considerably. When
-he appeared as the murderous Thane moving
-toward the apartments of his slumbering victim,
-huskily repeating the thrilling lines, “The bell
-invites me! I go, and it is done!” he looked
-every inch a villain, and the little theatre rung
-again with the clapping and clattering of the
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_379'>379</span>enthusiastic audience. In “Othello” his dress
-was even worse than in “Macbeth.” In the
-scene where he smothers Desdemona, he was
-barefooted, and looked supremely ridiculous. I
-would have given double the amount I paid for
-admission for the glorious privilege of kicking
-him across the stage.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p379.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>OTHELLO.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_380'>380</span>The customary pitcher-shaped lamp which
-the “Moor” usually bears in his hand upon
-this occasion, and to which he alludes when he
-says:—</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“If I quench thee, thou flaming minister,</div>
-      <div class='line'>I can again thy former light restore,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Should I repent me,”</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c016'>was not procurable. The tragedian therefore
-carried a candle stuck in the neck of a large
-wine-bottle, and under his left arm he carried a
-pillow about the size of a single-bed mattress,
-with which to put out the light of the fair Desdemona,
-who was lying upon a lounge at the
-left of the stage. I was too great a lover of
-Shakespeare to sit longer by and witness the
-terrible butchery. I arose and left the house,
-and as I passed out, the pitying glances of the
-audience informed me that they didn’t understand
-the real state of affairs, but thought I was
-taken suddenly ill. I was ill at ease, and had
-been, during the entire evening.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>On the way down the next morning an over
-land passenger made my acquaintance on the
-cars, and while conversing about the long snow
-sheds and tunnels he had passed, I informed
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_381'>381</span>him of the long tunnel through which we would
-pass on leaving the valley.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Are we near that tunnel now?” he asked.
-“Yes,” I answered, “we will enter it in about
-fifteen minutes.” “Is the tunnel dark?” he inquired.
-“Yes, very dark,” I replied, “ten shades
-darker than a cloudy midnight.” “By jingo!”
-he cried, “that’s just the thing for me. I forgot
-to put on a clean shirt last night, and I hate
-like the deuce to arrive at my destination looking
-as I do now. Do you think a fellow would
-have time to put a shirt on while passing
-through it?” he continued, earnestly.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He might,” I answered, “if he had it ready
-before reaching the tunnel.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Well, I’ll try a pull, anyway,” he said, as he
-took down the valise from a rack overhead to
-select the garment. “I’ll have it all ready for a
-hoist,” he continued, “and if I don’t climb into
-it faster than a spark into a chimney, I’m not
-what I think I am, that’s all;” and with a look
-of determination he went to a seat in the rear
-of the car, and for a time seemed busily engaged
-preparing for the great change.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I had made an error in regard to the time
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_382'>382</span>that would elapse before we reached the tunnel,
-and the result was we reached it before he was
-fully prepared for it. Into it the locomotive
-plunged with a wild scream. Gloom closed
-around the passengers, hiding the nearest
-objects from their view. On we sped. The
-rattling of the trucks told us rail after rail was
-passed, but still a darkness that might be felt
-enveloped the rushing train.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Those who were conversing as the car entered
-the tunnel, stopped as though the icy hand of
-death had been laid upon their throat. The
-half-uttered word rested upon the tongue, and
-the tunnel, like a long dash, stretched between
-the parts of a sentence.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I thought of the passenger, doubtless by this
-time struggling into his linen, and turned around
-in my seat facing him. With considerable
-interest I waited the return of light. At last it
-came glimmering far ahead. Plainer and plainer
-the objects grew around, and first and most
-noticeable of all, was the tall form of the passenger
-from over the mountains, leaning over
-the seat in front of him, enveloped in his snowy
-linen, his hands stuck in the sleeves at the
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_383'>383</span>elbows, and his head vainly endeavoring to
-shoot through the opening at the neck, which in
-his haste he had neglected to unbutton.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p383.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>A STARTLING APPARITION.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>Notwithstanding his head was enveloped, he
-was conscious that light had dawned upon the
-scene, and his struggles and frantic thrusts became
-painful to look upon.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Finally the fastening at the neck gave way,
-and his face came through the opening, red as
-a pickled beet. Fortunately most of the passengers
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_384'>384</span>were sitting with backs toward him
-and but few witnessed the terrible struggle.
-One old lady, however, got nearly frightened
-out of her wits. When objects began to grow
-visible around her, she became suddenly
-apprised of the startling fact that a white figure
-was bent over her, with outstretched wings fanning
-the air, and she very naturally came to the
-conclusion that an angel was about to gather
-her to her fathers.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The ashen look of the poor old body, as she
-stole a glance over her shoulder at the white
-object behind, showed that however fitted she
-was—in respect of years—for the final taking
-off, she was anything but willing to start upon
-such an uncertain journey.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p384.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_385'>385</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>HUNTING WITH A VENGEANCE.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“That man received his charge from me.”</div>
-      <div class='line in32'>—<em>Shakespeare.</em></div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>My friend butcher Gale has been quail
-hunting under difficulties. His case is a
-sad one, and as I feel in somewhat of a rhyming
-mood at present, I will invoke the gods, and
-with eyes in “fine frenzy rolling,” proceed to
-state his case in verse.</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“Come leave your hogs,” said lawyer Boggs</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To red-faced butcher Gale,</div>
-      <div class='line'>“We’ll take a day across the bay,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And slather lots of quail.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Soon guns were got, and bags of shot,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With powder, wads, and caps,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And up the canyons dry and hot,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Tramped these two city chaps.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Old lawyer Boggs had borrowed dogs</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Well worth their weight in gold;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The setter had a “double nose,”</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And it of her was told,</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_386'>386</span>That she could scent two different ways</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As easy as you please;</div>
-      <div class='line'>While one nose smelled along the ground,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The other sniffed the trees.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p386.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>ADVANCE OF THE EXPEDITION.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The pointer had peculiar traits;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His power of scent was small;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But if he saw three birds at once,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He pointed at them all.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_387'>387</span>For while his nose would indicate</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Where one poor piper sat,</div>
-      <div class='line'>His tail, straight as a marline-spike,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Would point another at;</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then if a third one raised its head,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Preparing for the air,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That dog would balance on three legs,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And aim the other there.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>With such a pair the quick to scare,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And then retrieve the dead,</div>
-      <div class='line'>The hunters’ sole remaining care</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was how to scatter lead.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>They traversed gorge and gully low,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And many a slippery height,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And though their feet did heavier grow,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Their game bags still were light.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>While roving o’er the mountain side,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>It seemed that every quail</div>
-      <div class='line'>Within the county limits wide</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was piping in the vale;</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But when they would forsake the hills,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And in the valleys dive,</div>
-      <div class='line'>It seemed as if the heights around</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With bevies were alive.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_388'>388</span>Boggs had one fault, from childhood brought,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>More marked with age it grew;</div>
-      <div class='line'>He never failed to shut both eyes</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Whilst he the trigger drew.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>This plan might do, if lead he threw</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>At barns or target rings;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But frightened quail, when turning tail,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Are visionary things.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And let him sight, quick as he might,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Space still would grow between,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And bang! would go the shower of woe</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Just where the bird—had been.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>’Tis said those knowing canines knew</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>While men were taking aim,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Whether or not ’twould be their lot</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To gather in some game.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So when they saw Boggs shut both eyes</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Whene’er the piece he fired,</div>
-      <div class='line'>They dropped upon their hams and howled,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And from the hunt retired.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And he as soon could cause a stump</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To walk upon its roots,</div>
-      <div class='line'>As from a sitting posture coax</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The two disgusted brutes.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_389'>389</span>Wide was their aim, and wild the game,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And when such facts do yoke,</div>
-      <div class='line'>There’s many a shot goes off, I wot,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Brings nothing to the “poke.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The grains were sown, the fields were mown,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The crops proved rather thin;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Oft was the raking summons thrown,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But slow the heads came in.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>At last while Gale, just in advance,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was clambering o’er some logs,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He got a charge of shot by chance,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>From the excited Boggs.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then was there rustling there a spell,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And as you may suppose,</div>
-      <div class='line'>From out the shaking chaparral</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Linked oaths profusely rose.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Boggs dropped his gun and forward run,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With apprehension bleached,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And this poor lame excuse begun</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>When he the butcher reached:</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“A splendid shot! I quite forgot</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Precisely where you stood;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The birds flew fast, were nearly passed</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Behind a screen of wood;</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_390'>390</span>“I must let go, or lose a show</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of bagging three or four,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And in my mind you were behind,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Until I heard you roar.”</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p390.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>BOGGS RETRIEVING HIS GAME.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He cursed the logs and kicked the dogs,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And wished the quail on toast,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But that did not take out the shot,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Which then was needed most.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_391'>391</span>The doctors who have dressed his wounds</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Have to his friends declared,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That though he is a sorry sight,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His sight is not impaired.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>There is a moral this within,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And shaped the times to suit,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But lest it should appear too thin,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Here’s this advice to boot:—</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Ne’er venture on a hunting cruise</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With any green galoot,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who shuts both eyes whene’er he tries</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The flitting game to shoot.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>THE ART GALLERY.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Hearing that a large collection of paintings
-were on exhibition at the Art Gallery,
-I visited the rooms this afternoon, and was
-agreeably surprised to discover that quite a
-number were by eminent artists.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_392'>392</span>It is pleasant to gaze upon an old picture
-that has come down through the dust of ages,
-so I made it a point to employ the hour at my
-disposal in sketching several subjects most
-admired by the visitors. I did not learn the
-author of the large picture from which the first
-of my sketches was taken, but was assured that
-it came from the hand of an old master.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p392.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>FROM A PAINTING BY AN OLD MASTER.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>I would have thought it a representation of
-“Cleopatra before Cæsar,” if the female had
-been running toward the man instead of away
-from him.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>A gentleman present who examined the
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_393'>393</span>painting closely, gave it as his opinion, that the
-couple represented “Tarquin and Lucrece.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>He informed me he had visited many art
-galleries of the Old World, and found several
-paintings which had been copied from this
-masterpiece by artists, who paid homage to such
-creative genius.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>As he claimed to be something of a connoisseur,
-his supposition was probably a correct one,
-though he was not able to thoroughly account
-for the singular looking bonnet that shadowed
-the head of the prancing “Lucrece.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>It is certainly anything but a Roman head-dress,
-and why it should be dangling from her
-royal top, is something for critics to comment on,
-and antiquarians to inquire into.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Another little sketch attracted great attention,
-especially from the ladies, whose love for the
-beautiful is only excelled by their love for the
-good. It was entitled “Love’s Young Dream.”
-I regret I am not able to give the artist’s name.
-I could not get near enough to decipher the
-signature, owing to the crowd of ladies admiring
-the beautiful gem.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The members of the Graphic Club were
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_394'>394</span>sketching. Accepting an invitation from one I
-stepped into their room to see them draw.
-Quite a number of artists were present. The
-famous marine painter was there, who loves to
-paint the vessel going before the wind, when in
-its might it takes “the ruffian billows by the
-top.” It was pleasant to watch his pencil pile
-up the “yeasty waves” at will.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p394.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>“LOVE’S YOUNG DREAM.”</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_395'>395</span>It was also interesting to lean over the landscape
-painter’s shoulder and see the branches
-sprout from his grand old oaks, against whose
-trunks it would seem the storms of centuries
-had spent their force.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>It was no less pleasant or interesting to perceive
-the horns shoot from the animal painter’s
-cows. As the creature grows under his active
-pencil, we may be inclined to think she will be
-of the Mooley species, and never shake a gory
-horn above a prostrate victim; but alas! a few
-hasty but well directed strokes, and she stands
-forth more formidable than the armed rhinoceros
-or rampant unicorn. Then we hold our breath,
-as we see the pencil slide away to some other
-locality before a tail is attached to the body,
-and inwardly wonder whether the artist has
-forgotten to bestow upon her that graceful adjunct,
-or is intentionally giving us a new species
-of cattle. We heave a sigh of relief when the
-pencil returns, after a brief skirmish along the
-ribs, to bestow upon the cow that terminal
-appendage, at once a scourge for milk-maids
-and a swing for dogs.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_396'>396</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>A ROLLING STONE.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>This afternoon, while climbing a steep hill
-that overlooks the bay, in company with a
-gentleman named Stone, I saw an illustration
-of the old maxim, “A rolling stone gathers no
-moss.” We had almost completed the ascent,
-when Stone’s feet slipped from under him, and
-striking upon his side he commenced a rapid
-descent.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>About four hundred feet of steep grade
-stretched before him without let or hindrance.
-I saw at a glance he was bound to pass over
-every inch of the space before he stopped.
-Onward he went, gathering speed as he proceeded,
-and catching wildly around him at every
-revolution; but, as there was nothing growing
-upon the barren slope but stunted grass or
-brittle moss, his efforts to “slow speed” were
-in vain. After he had made about ten revolutions
-his hat came off, and for a short time the
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_397'>397</span>race between him and his tile was truly interesting.
-It would have been an even bet, which
-would first reach the fence at the bottom of the
-hill. After making about half the distance, however,
-the hat swung in ahead of him.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p397.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>A THROUGH PASSENGER.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_398'>398</span>Whether it was the wind acted upon it I
-couldn’t tell, but Stone overhauled it, and passing
-over it, materially injured its form as a
-roller, by giving it an oblong shape, and soon
-left the crushed hat wabbling far behind. He
-turned neither to the right nor to the left, but
-rolled as straight down the hill as a saw-log
-down the bank of a river into a mill-pond.
-Goats nibbling in the vicinity paused in their
-repast and looked pitifully at the gentleman as
-he went tumbling by them, and evidently congratulated
-themselves on being goats, that feel
-at home on the steepest hillside that nature
-can present to their hoofs. When, in his mad
-career, my friend Stone would reach some
-intercepting shelf he would bounce about three
-feet into the air, and continue down the incline
-with increased velocity. Nor did he stop his
-brilliant course until he brought up whack
-against the fence.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Fortunately he was unhurt, but was so dizzy
-that everything was turning around him for an
-hour afterwards. He declares that though he
-should live until he becomes so old as to forget
-the way to his mouth, he has taken his last
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_399'>399</span>look at the city and the surrounding bay from
-the summit of that hill. And when we think
-of his last descent from that high altitude, we
-can hardly wonder at the declaration.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>RIDING IN THE STREET CARS.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>A chiel’s amang ye takin’ notes,</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>And faith he’ll prent it.</div>
-      <div class='line in32'>—<em>Burns.</em></div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>The greater portion of this day I have spent
-riding in the street cars. I find it is quite
-a pleasant way of passing a few leisure hours.
-Neither is it an extravagant way of entertaining
-one’s self.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>On figuring up I find, by choosing the longest
-routes, it cost just seven and one-quarter cents
-per hour. This is certainly reasonable.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_400'>400</span>
-<img src='images/p400.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE SIGNAL STATION.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>There is always something amusing to look
-at as you pass along. There stands the nervous old lady upon the street corner. She
-wishes to ride, and endeavors to signal the
-driver and prepare for embarking at one and
-the same time. She proves the truth of the old
-saying that a person may get too many irons in
-the fire. In her eagerness to attract the attention
-of the driver or conductor, she is not aware
-that in lifting her skirts she has elevated one or
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_401'>401</span>two thicknesses more than she intended, or than
-is at all necessary. Poor old lady! She does
-indeed present a picture that might well attract
-the artistic eye. We in more becoming order
-turn our eyes from the singular spectacle and
-study the advertisements ranged around for
-our special benefit. She emits a short, quick
-cry, half whoop and half squeal, and signals
-repeatedly, to do which the inevitable umbrella
-is brought into requisition, and flourished
-around her head as though she was warding off
-a detachment of aggressive wasps. She gives
-the conductor a look of surprise, if not anger,
-because he completes the curve before stopping
-to take her up. The old lady means business,
-and has never got it through her head that conductors
-have rights which she is bound to
-respect. She no doubt believes that on all
-occasions and at all times he ought to seize the
-strap and stop the car as suddenly as he would
-a clock by grasping the pendulum.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Then there are the fashions which we can
-study without having to pay exorbitant prices
-for seats in the theatres. It is even better than
-to go to a fashionable church.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_402'>402</span>Besides the advantages which a ride in the
-street car offers us in the way of studying
-the fashions, we often see strange sights, well
-calculated to awaken humor. There, for instance,
-we encounter the sleepy passenger,
-who, in charity let us hope, is drowsy through
-loss of rest, rather than loss of reason! Let us
-hope he is some physician who has been attending
-to his patients; or a minister of the gospel
-who has spent the night by the bedside of some
-sinking penitent; or a supervisor, who—while
-his constituents have been snugly dreaming
-away their troubles—has been legislating, and
-growing hoarse declaiming for the public
-good. Doctor or supervisor, as the case may
-be, it is evident he is sleepy, and cares
-not who knows it. Otherwise he would
-pick up his hat, which has fallen off, before
-it has twice been stepped on by passengers
-staggering through the car while it is in
-motion.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>With a persistency truly amusing he tips in
-the direction of some old lady, who apparently
-hates men, especially when excessive drowsiness
-makes them familiar. He, however, is oblivious
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_403'>403</span>of her likes or dislikes, even of her presence, it
-would seem.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p403.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>RATHER “SLOROPPY.”</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>He bobs towards her until his dishevelled
-forelock actually tickles her under the ear,
-which sensation causes her to start suddenly,
-and look around so quickly, that a person must
-think the movement gave her a crick in the neck,
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_404'>404</span>and her subsequent rubbing of the cords below
-the ear would seem to bear out the supposition
-as correct.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p404.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>SNIFFING THE BATTLE FROM AFAR.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>Then, as we ride along we can see the bold
-policeman! standing by the corner of a building.
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_405'>405</span>He is earnestly looking down a narrow
-lane, taking notes perhaps; but more likely
-watching the progress of a fight, and wisely
-waiting until all the pistols are discharged
-before venturing to arrest any of the belligerent
-parties. He looks as though it would not take
-much longer reflection or many more shots, to
-make him forego that duty <i><span lang="la" xml:lang="la">in toto</span></i>, and turn
-around to arrest the poor Chinese vegetable
-peddler, who, with his basket pole upon his
-shoulder, is trotting along upon the sidewalk,
-and thereby violating one of the city ordinances.
-While hustling the prisoner to the station house
-he would escape performing more unpleasant
-and risky business.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>He is in the right of it, too, when a person
-comes right down to reason the case. The
-policeman may have a family depending on him
-for support. Or it may be upon the very stroke
-of the hour when his duty for the day will cease,
-and he can saunter to his home, leaving his successor
-to rush in and stay the slaughter.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>It may be argued that the policeman is paid
-to take prisoners, and consequently to take
-chances. This is true, but he is not paid to
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_406'>406</span>commit suicide. For a broad man like him to
-move down a narrow lane up which the bullets
-are whistling, can hardly be considered anything
-short of it. Oh! he is a cunning fellow I tell
-you, and revolves the matter carefully in his
-mind before taking action.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>He has been too long a resident of the city,
-and too long a member of the “star brigade,”
-not to know that the city can better afford to
-lose two or three indifferent citizens than it can
-one able and efficient policeman.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>We turn from the policeman to contemplate
-the blooming blonde, who comes bouncing in
-with her poodle dog in her arms.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>After she is seated she amuses some of the
-passengers and displeases more, by the affectionate
-names she lavishes upon the little watery-eyed
-pet in her lap. Some of the passengers
-would doubtless like to be the dog and others
-would like to be a distemper that they might
-legally kill the cur. She temporarily ends her
-caresses by repeatedly kissing its cold peaked
-nose, to the infinite disgust of the majority of
-the passengers, who, rather than witness a repetition
-of the silly act, look out of the windows
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_407'>407</span>and become suddenly interested in the construction
-of the buildings or fences along the
-route.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p407.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>ALIGHTING GRACEFULLY.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>And then there is the impatient passenger,
-who is either limited in time or sense, probably
-in both.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>He foolishly attempts to leave the car while
-it is in motion, in order to save a few moments.
-Immediately afterwards he wishes he hadn’t,
-and sits down with considerable feeling to think
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_408'>408</span>over his rashness. There was a time, no doubt,
-when he could jump on and off a car like a
-newsboy; but that time has evidently gone by.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>When we consider the roughness of his seat,
-and the unexpected manner in which he settled
-on it, we have to acknowledge that he sits with
-considerable grace. However, as he has lost
-time instead of gaining it, by the action, he
-will perhaps try to catch a better hold of the
-old rascal’s forelock the next time he is running
-past him.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>SIMON RAND.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>No poet, however gifted, can get along without
-his muse, any better than a navigator
-can without his compass. If the goddess is not
-at his elbow, the lyre hangs mute upon the wall,
-and the pen corrodes in the ink. Then what
-can the poor limited rhymer do without a muse
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_409'>409</span>to inspire him? As mine is at present leaning
-over the back of my chair in a very encouraging
-manner, I will strike my harp and lay the following
-heart-rending tale before the world in verse.</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><em>First Gossip</em>—“Was she false?”</div>
-      <div class='line'><em>Second Gossip</em>—“Ay, false as her teeth.”</div>
-      <div class='line in32'>—<cite>Old Volume.</cite></div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>In Siskiyou, a tanner lived,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Whose name was Simon Rand;</div>
-      <div class='line'>He loved the miller’s daughter, fair</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Annetta Hildebrand.</div>
-      <div class='line'>The maiden loved the tanner, too,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(At least the maid so said,)</div>
-      <div class='line'>And she the happy day had named</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The parson would them wed.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The golden day-dreams lengthened as</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The season shorter grew,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And Cupid slung his bow across</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His shoulder, and withdrew.</div>
-      <div class='line'>A golden pointed arrow lay</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Imbedded in each heart;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The little god conjectured they</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Could never live apart.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But fire will test the iron safe,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And powder prove the mine,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And tempests try the ship at sea,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The woodman’s axe the pine;</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_410'>410</span>And gold will sound the human heart,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The maiden’s love it tries;</div>
-      <div class='line'>It is the plummet weight that proves</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>How deep affection lies.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>One Jacob Towle, a rival, came</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To darken Simon’s days;</div>
-      <div class='line'>His clothes were fine, his purse a mine,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He drove a span of bays!</div>
-      <div class='line'>The fair Annetta was his mark;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He deftly played his hand;</div>
-      <div class='line'>He turned her giddy head around,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And love, from Simon Rand.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The tanner saw his dove prove daw,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And scarce believed his eyes;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But change was there, in look and air,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And in her curt replies.</div>
-      <div class='line'>He called one night, in hopes he might</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Back his affianced win;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Word came by “sis” (an old game this),</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>“Annetta was not in.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But ah! how keen are lovers’ eyes</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>When rivals are around;</div>
-      <div class='line'>A glossy hat hung in the hall;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He reached it with a bound.</div>
-      <div class='line'>“See, my child, a pleasing sight!”</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Said he with a ghastly smile;</div>
-      <div class='line'>“For into fraction, into mite,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I’ll smash the villain’s tile.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_411'>411</span>He seized it, and he squeezed it, too,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He bowled it on the floor,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He thumped it, and he jumped it, and</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He kicked it through the door.</div>
-      <div class='line'>So through the gate he then escaped,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And he was heard to say,</div>
-      <div class='line'>“By all the hides that I have scraped</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With life I’ll make away.”</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p411.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>REVENGE IS SWEET.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Next morning he was missing, and</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The neighbors thought it queer:</div>
-      <div class='line'>For he at work was ever found</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Throughout the busy year.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Noon came, but brought not Simon back;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And then their wonder grew</div>
-      <div class='line'>Into a fear, that he had done</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>What he had sworn to do.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_412'>412</span>A search was instituted, and</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>All work was at a stand,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For weak and stout alike turned out</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To search for Simon Rand.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Across the mill-pond and the flume,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The grappling drag they drew,</div>
-      <div class='line'>They scanned the trees and probed the wells</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The little village through.</div>
-      <div class='line'>But tale or tidings none they found;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>So all the search gave o’er,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And sat them down to talk and smoke,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Around the tavern door.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>When teamster Joe picked up a hoe</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That by his side was laid,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And turning round to farmer Pound,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He slapped his thigh and said,</div>
-      <div class='line'>“I’ll stake my strongest pair of mules</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Against Moll Benson’s cat,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That Simon Rand, the missing man,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Lies dead in his own vat!”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>No face was there, beard-hid or bare,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Light, tawny-hue, or dark,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But on the instant plainly showed</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The weight of that remark.</div>
-      <div class='line'>To feet they sprung, both old and young,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And down the shortest road,</div>
-      <div class='line'>By Silly’s still and Burrill’s mill,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To Simon’s shop they strode.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_413'>413</span>
-<img src='images/p413.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE EXPLORING PARTY.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>One pace in front leaned Parson Lunt,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Who let his dinner stand,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And joined the throng that surged along</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In search of Simon Rand.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Across his shoulder, stooped with age,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He poised his garden rake,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And those had need to urge their speed</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Who followed in his wake.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_414'>414</span>Then side and side, with equal stride,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Pressed Joe and Jasper Lane;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Next Elder Chase kept even pace</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With stout old Sidney Vane.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then two and two, and three and three,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And sometimes four abreast,</div>
-      <div class='line'>With hoes and hooks, and thoughtful looks,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Come clattering on the rest.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The place was gained, all eyes were strained</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Upon the brimming vat;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But not an eye its depths could spy,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or pierce its scum of fat.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“A fearful place,” sighed Elder Chase,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As down he dipped his pole;</div>
-      <div class='line'>“No love or woe could make him throw</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Himself in such a hole.</div>
-      <div class='line'>A man would choose a hempen noose,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A pistol, drug, or knife,</div>
-      <div class='line'>If he designed through troubled mind</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To make away with life.”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>A silent group they kneel and stoop,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And shove their poles around,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Now left, now right, till all affright</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>One cried, “I’ve something found!</div>
-      <div class='line'>It’s him I know, I must let go!</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I dare not see his face</div>
-      <div class='line'>When coming from the depths below;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Will some one take my place?”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_415'>415</span>Then Parson Lunt stepped to the front,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And clasped his hands in prayer;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And cried, “We thank thee for his dust,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His soul in mercy spare.”</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then took the pole from Selby’s hand,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Who quickly sought the rear,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Yet dodged and peeped his best to see</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>If Rand indeed was there.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Up rose the heavy burdened hook;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>“That’s him!” a dozen cried;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But when they took a second look</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>It proved a brindled hide!</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then impious Brown, the village clown,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Turned from that vat aside,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And laughed until the tears ran down</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His cheeks as though he cried.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Still round he went, with body bent,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His face one endless grin,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Because the Parson praised the Lord,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Then raised—the heifer’s skin!</div>
-      <div class='line'>The tools once more sink as before,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To scrape the bottom slow:</div>
-      <div class='line'>Another mass—they strike—and pass,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>It rolls along below!</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“I have him now!” cried Dennis Howe,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The blacksmith’s helping man;</div>
-      <div class='line'>While down his face, in rapid race,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The perspiration ran.</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_416'>416</span>With mighty grip, and backward tip,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Stout Dennis manned the pole,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Which bent as though ’twould snap and go,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And Howe would backwards roll.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p416.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>UP HE COMES.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_417'>417</span>And woe is me, that tanner man,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And woe is me, that maid!</div>
-      <div class='line'>And woe is me, that staring group</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Around that vat, afraid.</div>
-      <div class='line'>The hold was good, the pole has stood,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And up the hook has drawn</div>
-      <div class='line'>The poor discarded Simon Rand,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Dead as a pickled prawn!</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And lo! a great cast-iron weight</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Fast to one leg was tied;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Which, as he rose did oscillate,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And swing from side to side.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Upon a door his form they bore</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Back slowly through the town,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And still behind them left a trail</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Where dripped the water down.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>For every step fresh showers drew</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Down from that litter bare,</div>
-      <div class='line'>From garments soaked quite through and through,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>From mouth and nose and hair.</div>
-      <div class='line'>’Twere sad to tell of funeral show</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That in that town was seen;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Enough to know that Simon low</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Lies where the grass is green.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Annetta, now, is Mrs. Towle,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And servants on her wait;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And dogs with uninviting growl</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Drive beggars from her gate.</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_418'>418</span>And Simon’s shop has gone to wreck,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>No bark is needed now,</div>
-      <div class='line'>No more before the greasy door</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Lie horns of ox or cow!</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p418.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>UNPROMISING OUTLOOK.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But on the anniversary</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of that distressful night,</div>
-      <div class='line'>The superstitious people say—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Within it burns a light.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_419'>419</span>And there the tanner may be seen</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His thin arms shining bare,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Bent o’er the bench, as though at work</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Fast scraping off the hair!</div>
-      <div class='line'>Anon, slow rising from his toil</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A woeful sigh he gives,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And gazes long towards the hill,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Where false Annetta lives.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then turning round he gives a bound,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As when he crushed the hat,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And fastening to his leg a weight</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He leaps into the vat!</div>
-      <div class='line'>And with him goes the wondrous light</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That shed its ghostly ray;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And dismal darkness wraps the place</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Until the dawn of day.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p419.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_420'>420</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>THE VALUE OF A COLLAR.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Dear me! what a terrible dodging life the
-poor city cur leads, to be sure, whose
-owner does not consider him of sufficient importance
-to warrant taking out a license. His
-excursions must necessarily be limited.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>He never dares to bark in the daytime, and
-now I think of it, that may account for his howling
-all night. To bark between the hours of
-seven in the morning and six in the evening
-would be equivalent to running his head into
-the pound-keeper’s lariat. He knows it, too,
-the rascal, and hardly indulges in a yelp, even
-if his tail is trod upon. I have always noticed
-that the eyes of the cur that wears no collar—(which
-would entitle him to the freedom of the
-city)—protrude from the sockets much farther
-than the optics in the head of the licensed
-animal. I have noticed this fact and pondered
-over it, striving not a little to arrive at some
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_421'>421</span>satisfactory conclusion in regard to the matter.
-It may be that this strange protrusion is brought
-about by the continual strain while on the lookout
-for the pound-keeper or his sneaking aids.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Another peculiarity about the unlicensed cur,—his
-eyes are invariably the color of tobacco
-juice. “Why are they so?” you probably
-inquire. Be patient, and I will tell you? It is
-the result of the burning envy continually agitating
-his breast and adding a bloodier lustre
-to his orbs.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>How must envy consume his very vitals when
-he beholds his younger brother, perhaps, trotting
-forth into the street, his neck encircled with the
-leather zone that insures him respect and
-immunity from assault; while he must cower
-behind the ash barrel, and wait for night to
-temporarily shield him from insult and injury.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The old adage is hardly applicable to his
-case. He has no <em>day</em>, but he has his night,
-however, and he would be a fool not to make
-the most of it.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>How trifling a thing will draw the line between
-him and his licensed brother. One
-white foot, perhaps, a spot too many on the
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_422'>422</span>head, or want of one above the tail may have
-cursed him through the length and breadth of
-his existence. If he lives it must be by his
-wits. Every man’s hand or boot seems to be
-against him. The licensed dog can stretch
-lazily upon the sidewalk and oblige the pedestrians
-to go around him rather than take
-the chances of stepping over, or stirring him
-up with a kick.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p422.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>NO COLLAR, NO CRUMBS.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>It is dangerous business, this waking up a
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_423'>423</span>dog with your boot. You may take him in a
-time when not in the mood for permitting such
-familiar demonstrations.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Perhaps he may be hungry, and since the
-dogs devoured poor painted Jezebel, their
-weakness for human flesh will occasionally
-make itself manifest. I, who have been thrice
-vaccinated by a canine tooth (and it took each
-time, too), speak knowingly on this subject.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Now, as I gaze out upon the street, I mark
-the slow approach of the pound-keeper’s dingy
-cart. Ever and anon it comes to a sudden halt,
-and skirmishers are deployed on each side to
-search the alley-ways and lanes along the
-route. Hark! what cry is this that comes quavering
-forth from that shaky prison? A bark?
-No, never a bark, but a quavering bleat from the
-pale lips of a poor old goat. Alas! poor goat.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>It, too, was evidently straying about unlawfully,
-in some one’s garden, perhaps, or stripping
-the posters off the fence before the paste
-was dry, or the bill-sticker a block away, and in
-consequence he is now occupying a position that,
-however exalted it may be in one sense, makes
-him feel very ill at ease all the same.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_424'>424</span>His fellow prisoners are dogs of every breed
-under the sun.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>There is no discrimination in that moving
-prison, no separate cells. The full blood setter
-pup fares no better than the worthless poodle
-that couldn’t smell a quail a yard distant unless
-it was roasting. The big, sour, surly mastiff,
-with blood-shot eyes and pendent jowl, who long
-has been the acknowledged champion of a block,
-and in his day lacerated many a paw, hasn’t
-even a growl to offer, but crouches side by
-side with the poor maimed and mongrel cur
-that for years has been racking through life
-on three legs.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Still the dismal looking cart jolts along attracting
-the attention of the passing crowds. Still
-the villainous-looking aids, who flank the vehicle,
-trail their ready lariats, and dart exploring
-glances into every nook and corner. And as I
-gaze, I marvel to see how quickly the outlaws
-get a knowledge of its approach, and stand not
-upon the order of their going, but precipitately
-leave for back yards and kitchens.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_425'>425</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>QUAINT EPITAPHS.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>While strolling through an old cemetery
-this afternoon I was surprised at
-the number of quaint epitaphs there to be
-found.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>For a while I almost imagined myself rummaging
-among the old time-worn tombstones in
-some English or Welsh burying-ground. Many
-are written in verse, especially on the stones
-erected during a certain period, extending over
-about ten years, which proves that during these
-years the city had a tombstone poet among her
-citizens.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>He was an odd genius, whoever he was, this
-graveyard rhymer.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>One peculiarity seems to have been his coupling
-with the epitaph a brief account of the
-manner in which the deceased party was taken
-off. The first inscription which attracted my
-notice as odd, was chiseled upon a large marble
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_426'>426</span>slab which leaned over the spot where a party
-who had borne the ancient and honorable name
-of “Smith,” rested from his labors. The obituary
-ran thus:—</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“Smith ran to catch his fatted hog,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And carried the knife around;</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>He slipped and fell;</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>The hog is well,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But Smith is under ground.”</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>This stanza should be introduced into public
-schools, and adopted as a morning chant, to
-impress upon the mind of the pupils the importance
-of a person’s having his wits about
-him. Death brought about by such gross carelessness
-as Smith showed, is—to say the least—first
-cousin to suicide, and doubtless there
-will come a time when Smith’s case will be inquired
-into.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Under a large oak tree on the south side I
-came upon a tombstone which bore no date, but
-had evidently been erected many years. The
-fence which once enclosed the grave had nearly
-disappeared, nothing remaining except a few
-rotten stakes protruding through the grass.
-What once had been a mound was now a hollow,
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_427'>427</span>which told the mute gazer, decay had done
-its worst.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Through a rank growth of weeds and briers,
-a few pale neglected flowers raised their delicate
-faces, like virtue struggling heavenward through
-the retarding throng inhabiting this naughty
-world.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The headstone was evidently erected before
-the poet’s day, and he who erected it had composed
-the epitaph. It is more than likely he
-chiseled it also, as the letters were ill-shaped
-and irregular, and looked as though carved out
-with a pick.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Here is a <em>fac-simile</em> of the inscription:—</p>
-
-<div class='nf-center-c0'>
-<div class='nf-center c017'>
-    <div>“Cynthy Ann is berried here.</div>
-    <div>Be easy with her,</div>
-    <div>Lord,</div>
-    <div>And, you won’t lose nothin’,</div>
-    <div>She was a plaguey good wife to me</div>
-    <div>But</div>
-    <div>She wouldn’t be druv.”</div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>That “Cynthia Ann” had faults is evident
-from the tone. But I thought as I turned from
-the spot, if her greatest fault lay in not allowing
-herself to be “druv,” her prospects were better
-than the average.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_428'>428</span>What a contrast was the line inscribed upon
-a tombstone directly opposite:—</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“He sleeps in Heaven.”</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c016'>Mere speculation only, and wild at that. The
-extravagant notion that a person sleeps in Paradise
-must have emanated from the brain of
-some sluggard, who thought that heaven without
-sleep would be a wearisome place. The
-“sleeper’s” name was Gregg, and from a representation
-of a pair of scissors cut upon the slab
-I presumed he was a tailor. On making
-inquiry of the sexton, busily engaged closing a
-grave at the time, I found my supposition was
-right. Gregg was a tailor, but met death at the
-heels of a horse. To use the sexton’s own
-words, which were spoken in pure Greek—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Begorra he <em>was</em> a tailor, and it was meself
-that planted him there. He was killed in the
-barn beyant, while sthrivin’ to pull the makin’s
-of a fish-line out of the tail of owld Gleason’s
-stallion.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>When a person learns what his occupation
-had been, and how he died, the assertion that
-he had gone to heaven, strikes one as too ridiculous
-for anything.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_429'>429</span>
-<img src='images/p429.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE SEXTON.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>Not less amusing or quaint was the verse
-inscribed upon the plain marble slab which
-marked the resting-place of Mr. and Mrs. Barradier.
-The stone was probably put up by
-some acquaintance of the deceased couple who
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_430'>430</span>knew that their marriage had been anything
-but a happy one; the verse upon it also informs
-the passer-by that they left no descendants to
-perform that pious duty. It said—</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“Released from worldly care and strife,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Here side and side lie man and wife;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And with the couple buried here</div>
-      <div class='line'>Expired the name of Barradier.”</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>MISTAKEN IDENTITY.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>An amusing scene occurred this afternoon as
-I was coming up from the post-office. It
-was a case of mistaken identity. It seems a
-somewhat dissipated old Irish woman was deserted
-some weeks ago by her husband.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Through her domestic troubles and excessive
-drinking she at times becomes quite crazy,—so
-much so that her friends have to keep a constant
-watch over her to prevent her from doing
-mischief. She is very large and powerful, and
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_431'>431</span>when in one of her tantrums is no easy person
-to manage. It appears that when she has one
-of these crazy spells, she imagines she recognizes
-her husband’s Milesian features in almost
-every face she looks upon.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>This afternoon, while the crazy fit was upon
-her, she escaped from her keepers, and rushed
-into the street with dilated eyes and dishevelled
-hair. With sleeves rolled above the elbows and
-clenched hands, she charged up the street, looking
-right and left for some person on whom to
-fasten.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>She was indeed ripe for an encounter, and
-nearly the first person she met was a prominent
-clergyman returning to his residence from the
-Mercantile Library, with his newly selected book
-under his arm. She stood for a moment
-directly in front of the minister, and riveted
-her red optics upon his face in an inquiring
-stare, which soon kindled into one of recognition.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Anticipating trouble, he attempted to pass
-around her and proceed quietly on his way.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>But she was too quick for him.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Reaching out her long bare arm, she brought
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_432'>432</span>it around like the boom of a sloop, and with one
-wide sweep knocked his hat spinning to the sidewalk
-at her feet.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p432.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE CLERGYMAN IN LIMBO.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>He stooped to pick it up again, and while
-bent in the act, she seized him by the hair with
-both hands, and giving a guttural laugh, not unlike
-the self-satisfied croak of a down east bullfrog,
-exclaimed:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Ah! Barney, ye galavantin’ spalpeen! ye
-can’t desave me wid yer stove-pipe! So ye’d
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_433'>433</span>dezart the wife o’ yer boosome, would ye? ah,
-ha! come home wid me now, or I’ll be afther
-takin’ your durty ould scalp along wid me!”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>A soft rabbit under the wide paw of a California
-lion, or a sparrow in the talons of a hawk,
-is not more utterly helpless than was the poor
-dominie in her terrible clutch. His position was
-anything but an enviable one. It actually seemed
-as if every hair upon his head was gathered and
-drawn into one mass, over which her muscular
-fingers held complete control.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>He dropped his book and shouted loudly,
-partly through pain, and partly anger at seeing
-the fate of his fashionable hat, now lying under
-her great broad foot, flat as a German pancake.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>His cries of fear only made the crazy woman
-more confident of her abilities. She commenced
-backing along the street, in the direction of
-home, and at every step, with an irresistible
-yank, she dragged the expostulating minister
-along with her over the uneven sidewalk.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>She had snaked him along fully two rods in
-this manner, and was making, to use a nautical
-phrase, such good stern-way that she was on the
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_434'>434</span>point of breaking into a trot, when her heel
-caught on the edge of a plank.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The result was terrible in the extreme.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>She fell backwards, pulling the unfortunate
-captive to the sidewalk after her, where they
-gyrated in the most ludicrous positions imaginable.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>A couple of gentlemen, emerging from a
-store at that instant, looked on the pair in
-blank astonishment for a moment. Recognizing
-their own gifted pastor, they ran to his
-assistance, and lost no time in raising him to
-his feet, and turning over the old crazy woman
-to an officer who happened at that moment to
-step out of a saloon.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p434.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div><span class='pageno' id='Page_435'>435</span></div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p435.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div>
-  <h2 class='c004'>FLIRTING, AND WHAT CAME OF IT.</h2>
-</div>
-
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='large'>A</span>t an open window wide, just across the way,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Sits a roguish little blonde nearly all the day,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Playing with a tabby cat, and gazing down below,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Flirting with conductors that are passing to and fro.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Some receive a passing nod, and some receive a smile;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But she watches Number 6 whilst going half a mile.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And the gay conductor while he’s throwing kisses there,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Doesn’t hear the signals given by an aged pair,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Though the man, as best he can, whistles loud and shrill,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And the wife, as though for life, charges down the hill.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_436'>436</span>And the blameful driver, while he gazes wistful back,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Doesn’t see the little child a creeping on the track.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Soon the jury summoned there to question how it died,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Will as their opinion give, “a case of suicide;”</div>
-      <div class='line'>And the driver and his mate acquitted from all blame,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Kisses at the blonde will throw, and she’ll return the same.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>THE CHAMPION MEAN MAN.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Yesterday I came across a singular looking
-individual dressed in a greasy, dingy
-suit. He was sitting on a log before his door
-engaged in repairing a shovel-handle.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Say, stranger,” I said, addressing him, “can
-you inform me where Deacon Shellbark lives?”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The farmer looked up, pushed his slouched
-hat back on his head, and after surveying me
-some time in silence, drawled out:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Be you any relation of his’n?”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“No,” I replied, a little surprised at his manner
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_437'>437</span>of answering; “I haven’t a relative in the
-State.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“By thunder! I congratulate you upon your
-good fortune,” he ejaculated, “particularly because
-there’s no tie of consanguinity existin’
-atwixt you and old Deacon Shellbark. He’s
-expectin’ a son home, and I thought you mout
-be him.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Wal,” he continued, pointing with a huge
-jack-knife that he held in his hand, “you see
-that house to the left of them scrub oaks, don’t
-you? that ar buildin’ with the leetle coopalow
-on’t? Wal, thar’s whar old Deacon Shellbark
-lives; <em>the meanest man in this yer county</em>,
-and that’s sayin’ considerable, too! cause we’ve
-got some vicey-fisted customers round these
-yer parts, men who scrape the puddin’ pot
-mighty clean before the dog gits a chance
-to canvass it, now I can tell ye. But I feel
-safe in stickin’ in old Shellbark at the head,
-and I ain’t agwine to haul him down nuther.
-I don’t believe in talkin’ much about one’s
-neighbors, but I ginnerally tell strangers what
-sort of a man he is, cause if they go to tradin’
-with him and aren’t on thar guard, he’ll skin
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_438'>438</span>’em quicker than a whirlpool sucks in a dead
-fish.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“You know the Deacon, then?” I remarked,
-while the hope I had entertained of getting his
-name on my subscription list began to take to
-itself wings.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Yes, I reckon I do know him,” he replied,
-“pooty well, too; a great sight better than is
-profitable to him, and he knows it. Oh, you
-bet he knows it, and hates me as he does the
-dry murrain that gin the crows fifteen of his
-best cows last summer. I knowed him back in
-Scrabble Town.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“They wouldn’t allow him to come within
-pistol shot of a church back thar, because they
-mor’n suspected he stole the wine and bread
-from the communion table one day. They
-were down on him flatter than a stone on a
-cricket allers arterwards. He’s a deacon out
-here though, but that ain’t nothin’. He can’t
-fool me with his prayin’. I want no sech crooked
-old disciple as he is intercedin’ for me, you
-know.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I was hoping he would subscribe for this
-book,” I remarked, “but I am afraid there is
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_439'>439</span>not much use of my going there if he is so
-very mean.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Look’e here, stranger,” he remarked earnestly,
-“you mout just as well stop thar whar
-you’re standin’. Subscribe! He’ll gig back
-from a subscription list jest as he would from a
-six-shooter.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Ah, but this is a religious work, and perhaps
-he would lend that his support,” I answered
-quickly.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Religious work be shelved!” exclaimed the
-farmer. “That doesn’t help ye any; you can’t
-do anythin’ with him, ’cause he hain’t got no
-more soul than an empty gin bottle. You
-mout as well bait a rat trap with a cat’s head
-and expect the varmin to go a-nibblin’ at it, as
-to expect him to put his name down to anything
-that’s agwine to take coin from his
-pockets.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_440'>440</span>
-<img src='images/p440.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>SLEEPY DOBY.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“You’re a stranger in these yer parts I see,
-and tharfore haven’t the slightest idea what a
-towerin’ mean man he is; why he’d run a mile
-to git on the sunny side of a feller to cheat
-him out of his shadow! I knowed him back in
-old Indiany. He’s from the same place that I
-am, but you can kick me clear over to them
-foot-hills and back ag’in if I don’t feel like
-takin’ pizin every time I have to own up to it.
-He used to be in cahoot with a tanner back
-thar named Doby; sleepy Doby, the boys
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_441'>441</span>called him, for he was the sleepiest feller you
-ever did see. Go asleep while workin’ at anythin’.
-He would drop asleep sometimes while
-scrapin’ a hide, and cut the consarned thing all
-into parin’s; at other times he would fall back
-into the tan vat, then wake up and holler for
-the boys to come and fish him out.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“They say he dropped asleep once while
-ringin’ a hog to prevent him from rootin’ up
-the clover patch. The minister of the village
-had to pause in the middle of a sermon he was
-preachin’ half a block away, until the squealin’
-subsided.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“But as I was gwine to tell ye, before the
-rheumatism got into his j’ints, and made him
-shun water as he would a tax-collector, old
-Shellbark used to be pooty fond of fishin’. One
-day Parson Bodfish was gwine off to have a
-day’s sport, and took me along to carry the
-fish. I was only a boy then, and mighty tickled
-because I could go. Jest about the time we
-got to the river we overtook old Shellbark
-a-pointin’ thar too. When we got to the bank
-they both set in gettin’ out thar hooks and lines,
-and then for the first time old Shellbark found
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_442'>442</span>out he had left his bait to hum. So he commenced
-to sputter and fret, takin’ on terribly
-about it, until Parson Bodfish ses to him,
-‘That’s all right; I reckon I’ve got enough
-bait in this box for both of us, and I’ll give you
-half of mine, and let us start in and make the
-most of it.’ So the Parson—who had a heart
-the size of a sheep’s head—took out his bait-box
-and gin him more than half. It’s so; I
-seed ’em when he took ’em out. Pooty soon
-arter, while the parson was a-standin’ on a log
-that horned out over the water, a-baitin’ of his
-hooks, a big-mouthed fish-hawk gin a-chatterin’
-screech overhead, and startled him a leetle, and
-while lookin’ up he let his bait-box fall into the
-river.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The box was open, so the worms war scattered
-every which way, and away went box and
-bait a-flukin’ down the rapids, and the parson’s
-cusses follerin’ arter. He <em>did</em> swar, by hunky!
-I heer’d him. He had a mi’ty hot temper, and
-it was more than he could do sometimes to
-keep it down. A feller couldn’t blame him
-much for swa’rin’ jest then, ’cause ’twas a
-pooty tryin’ time. He turned around sort of
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_443'>443</span>quick when he thought of me bein’ thar. I
-seed him turnin’, though, and let on to be
-talkin’ to a fish that I was stringin’ on, so he
-reckoned I hadn’t noticed him. We hurried
-on down the river, and arter a while overtook
-old Shellbark, who was snakin ’em out as fast
-as he could fix bait and throw in.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘I lost all my worms back thar, while
-standin’ on a log,’ ses the parson, ‘and will
-have to fall back on you for some.’ The old
-snipe grumbled out somethin’ about bein’ out
-of all patience with people who war so fool
-careless. Arter a while he took out the rag he
-kept the worms in, and although he had quite
-a large knot of ’em, he gin the parson jest one,
-and dead at that! It’s so! You may laugh,
-but I seed it. When he was a-pickin’ it out
-and handin’ it to him, and when Parson Bodfish
-was a-stickin’ the hook into him, he lay thar and
-took it as e-a-s-y, and never squirmed or objected
-the least. You’d hev thought it was a
-link of vermicelli the parson had picked out of
-a soup plate.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“When Parson Bodfish took it from him, he
-held it between his finger and thumb a while,
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_444'>444</span>jest that way, and I swow I felt solid sure he was
-agwine to slap it back into old Shellbark’s
-face.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p444.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>OPENING HIS HEART.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He didn’t, though. But he did look as if
-he’d like to, mi’ty well. He stood thar and
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_445'>445</span>stared him in the face as if actewally in doubt
-about his being the person he divided with in
-the mornin’. Arter a while he baited his hook
-and started in right thar. He had amazin’ good
-luck, too, with one bait. He hauled out four
-floppin’ great chubs, one right arter the other,
-and durin’ the same time old Shellbark didn’t
-get a bite from anythin’ but musquiters. He
-seemed just tearin’ mad over it, too, I can tell
-you.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He stood thar a-floppin’ and a-scratchin’
-and a-slingin’ of his line out the full length,
-tryin’ on all sides continewally, but to no purpose.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“At last, thinkin’ he had a fish when he didn’t,
-he switched up his line so spiteful it caught in a
-tree-top more than fifteen feet above his head;
-and while he was a-gawpin’ up thar, jerkin’ the
-line, and stampin’ round, he sot his foot flat onto
-his string of fish that war layin’ thar on the
-bank, and squashed the in’ards out of nigh
-every one of ’em. Between thar slipperiness
-and his confusion, hurryin’ to git off ’em before
-they were sp’iled, he fell and slid away down the
-bank, head fust, a-clawin’ and a-kickin’ jest like
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_446'>446</span>a skeer’d alligator. Only he chanced to strike
-ag’inst an old root that was stickin’ up at the
-margin of the river, he’d have gone plum to the
-bottom for sartain.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Unfortunately the last fish Parson Bodfish
-caught had swallered the bait, so he ses to me
-kind of low, ‘Dolphus, let’s see if we can’t
-skeer up a lizard, or somethin’ that’ll do for bait
-when a man’s in a pinch.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“So we set in to huntin’ and s’archin’ under
-old logs and stones, and dead wild grass, but
-couldn’t git hold of anythin’. The parson fell
-three times on all fours in the dirt, and gin his
-wrist a mi’ty bad sprain while pursuin’ a queer,
-long-legg’d horned critter somethin’ like a
-cricket, only pizenous, I guess. I could have
-caught it once, as it went dronin’ past, but didn’t
-feel like touchin’ it. Finally it got stuck into a
-clump of ferns, and he gin it up. So arter a
-while he ses, ‘I’ll have to go back and try that
-old Shellbark ag’in, though I’d ruther take a
-dose o’ ipecac than do it.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“So we come back to whar he was fishin’.
-He looked mi’ty solemn, and was muddy as an
-old stone boat. Ses the parson to him, ‘I’ll
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_447'>447</span>have to call on you ag’in for another <em>dead</em> worm;
-the one you gin me is all gobbled up.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Seems to me you’re mi’ty extravagint with
-the bait,’ he ses gruffly, and switchin’ his line
-around and slingin’ it out far as the pole would
-let it go, but not makin’ the least motion to comply
-with the parson’s request.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Waal, I don’t know how that is,’ ses Parson
-Bodfish, kind of easy like, and tryin’ to keep
-down his anger, that I seed was rizin’ jest like
-bilin’ sugar, ‘I nabbed four rousin’ good fish
-with that one bait. I reckon that’s doin’ pooty
-well; fact I know it is. They seem to bite fust
-rate at dead worms jest now.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Waal, I don’t know anythin’ about that,’
-ses the old narrow gauge, ‘s’posin’ you cut up
-some of your fish and see if you can’t catch
-somethin’ with that sort of bait; fish bite pooty
-well at that sort of an offerin’ jest before rain,
-they say.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Then you ain’t a gwine to give me any
-worms?’ ses the parson, in a husky voice, and
-shakin’ like a rag in the wind, he was so chock
-full of passion.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Waal, this is a sort of curious world, Mr.
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_448'>448</span>Bodfish,’ ses old Shellbark, slow and niggardly
-like, jest that way, ‘and without a feller looks
-out for himself he ain’t considered nothin’.
-‘Sides you know,’ he contin’ed, ‘fish bait is a
-good deal like an oyster or a bean—somethin’
-that’s mi’ty hard to divide with a feller,’ and he
-commenced to troll along down stream.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Apple sass and spinage! I never did see a
-man so riled as that Parson Bodfish was sence I
-could distinguish the moon from a lightnin’ bug.
-He changed to all the colors of the rainbow by
-turns in less time than I’m tellin’ ye. You never
-seed sech a struggle between sin and piety as
-raged inside that parson for about five minutes.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Fust piety seemed to be gettin’ on top, then
-sin would choke her down and hold her thar.
-At last he turned around and run full chisel
-ahind the turned up roots of a big windfall as
-though a gallon and a half of black hornets
-war arter him. I reckoned he was gwine arter
-stuns to gin the old feller a good peltin’, and
-that kind of work bein’ right into my hand I
-ran thar too, cal’latin’ to help him do it. But I
-was mistaken’d.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_449'>449</span>
-<img src='images/p449.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>SWEARING TO GET EVEN.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“He wasn’t gwine arter stuns, for I seed so
-soon as he thought he was out of sight he
-flopped down on his knees right thar in the
-mud, a-holdin’ his hands jined together above
-his head jest that way. I allowed he was a
-gwine to pray then for sartin, but he didn’t
-pray; no siree, not much pra’ar jest then! he
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_450'>450</span>sw’ar’d though. He did! I heered him, jest as
-plain as could be, ses he:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘I sw’ar I’ll git even yet with that old Shellbark,
-if I have to yank him out of his grave like
-a body-snatcher, to accomplish it!’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I felt like runnin’ thar and sayin,’ ‘Don’t rise
-yet, let me kneel and sw’ar too,’ the same as
-that tricky feller does in the play whar he’s
-a-foolin’ the jealous nigger so bad; but I
-knowed it wouldn’t do, ’cause he didn’t want
-me to see him kneel thar in the mud. So when
-he came back he found me peltin’ a frog as if
-nothin’ had happened.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Come, Dolphus,’ ses he, ‘its gettin’ pooty
-late; I guess we mout as well be a-movin’ back
-home.’ So we turned back toward the village,
-though ’twa’n’t more than noon, and left old
-Shellbark fishin’ thar. He did git even with him
-though.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“One Sunday soon arter Parson Bodfish
-was”—here the farmer was interrupted by a
-wild looking female who stuck her frowzy head
-out of an open window, like a turtle out of its
-shell, and shouted, in anything but a sweet
-voice:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_451'>451</span>“‘Dolphus! you natural born talkin’ machine
-you! what are ye a-settin’ a-pratin’ and a-pratin’
-about out thar? that old hog is in the gardin’
-ag’in, a-h’istin’ the parsnips, and crunchin’ ’em
-like an old b’ar.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Consarn her spotted hide!” he vociferated,
-jumping up and grabbing a huge cudgel that
-lay near by. “Jest you stop yer, stranger, for
-about ten seconds, until I make that old swine
-think thar’s a trip-hammer got a foul of her,
-then I’ll tell ye how the parson got even.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I couldn’t stop to hear the story any way,” I
-replied, “for I must be travelling. However,
-I’ll take your advice and give the Deacon a
-wide berth.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>As I descended the hill, the swine’s wail was
-ringing in my ears, and I judged the trip-hammer
-was at work.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p451.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_452'>452</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>IN A THOUSAND YEARS.<br /> <span class='large'>(A WOMAN’S DREAM OF THE FUTURE.)</span></h2>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='large'>’T</span>will be all the same in a thousand years!</div>
-      <div class='line'>What a terrible line this, to draw out the tears.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Oh, how oft do I weep at the dance, or the play,</div>
-      <div class='line'>O’er the sorrows we women are doomed to convey;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And can it be so, must we stand at the gate,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Denied all the honors of the country or State?</div>
-      <div class='line'>Our part but to please and obey lordly man;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Be kind when he’s surly, and be sweet as we can;</div>
-      <div class='line'>As students to shiver, like leaves in the breeze,</div>
-      <div class='line'>If we chance to infringe on his rules or decrees?</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then have pity, ye gods, who look down on our case,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Shut from Bar, Bench and School Board, and every fat place,</div>
-      <div class='line'>To pick up the pennies that oppressors fling down,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For cutting and stitching, and clothing the town.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Oh, the tyrant’s sharp lash, his “pooh pooh’s,” and his sneers,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Will be all the same in a thousand years.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Ah! ’tis not the same in a thousand years;</div>
-      <div class='line'>How sweet and how pleasant our life now appears,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For women no longer bow down at the nod</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_453'>453</span>Of creatures, who ruled with a chain and a rod;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But as lawyers they plead, and as doctors dissect,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And in temples of learning control and direct.</div>
-      <div class='line'>The weak-footed student at mile-posts may rest</div>
-      <div class='line'>Without springing a mine in the President’s breast;</div>
-      <div class='line'>There’s no splitting of hairs to deny her the prize,</div>
-      <div class='line'>She receives her diploma and a blessing likewise;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Now women no more stitch and stew for their lives,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or suffer injustice, because daughters or wives;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Lo, they sit down as jurors, they judge and they vote,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And in steering through life ply an oar in the boat.</div>
-      <div class='line'>The mother departed looks down here with pride</div>
-      <div class='line'>On her merciful child dealing charity wide;</div>
-      <div class='line'>While man, that once governed so harsh and severe,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Applies for positions in meekness and fear;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Now the cane of the dude is no more on the street,</div>
-      <div class='line'>The eyeglass is missing, and sharp-pointed feet,</div>
-      <div class='line'>The poor “chappy” himself is beyond the bright spheres,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For ’tis not the same in a thousand years.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p453.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_454'>454</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>THE COBBLER’S END.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>A large crowd of people was standing in
-and around a small shoemaker’s shop on
-Third Street. Elbowing my way to the inner
-circle, I found the excitement was over a man
-who had committed suicide. He was lying
-upon the floor, his hands still grasping a shot
-gun, with which he had blown off the top of his
-head.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I learned it was the shoemaker, and that he
-had committed the rash act because the lady on
-whom his affections were set had seen fit to
-choose another for her partner. Worst of all,
-it was a tailor who, to use a common expression
-and one to the point, had cut him out. They
-were both charmed with the comeliness of the
-young woman, and whenever an opportunity
-offered, were in the habit of throwing sheep’s
-eyes in the direction of her apartment. The
-lady seemed to grow more interested in the
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_455'>455</span>situation, and even went so far as to smile archly
-upon him.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The tailor, who had never received such a
-compliment from so pretty a woman before, was
-quite carried away with joy. He felt that his
-love was returned, and from that moment the
-world presented a different aspect. It was not
-even a new picture in an old frame, or <i><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">vice versâ</span></i>,
-but was new throughout.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Even the old breeches on his lap seemed to
-suddenly undergo a strange metamorphosis.
-The stout, rough material, over which he had
-lately been bending with crippled fingers and
-sprung needle, in the twinkling of an eye seemed
-transformed into a golden fleece, through which
-the waxed thread flew like chain-lightning
-through a cotton umbrella. To have an interview
-was now his only study, and where there’s
-a will there’s a way.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>One day a small boy was pressed into service
-and intrusted with a letter to the woman in
-whom his whole heart seemed wrapped. She
-received it safely, and duly by return of post
-broke the delightful intelligence to the tailor that
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_456'>456</span>his love was returned, and ended the epistle by
-requesting him to call.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Hardly had “seeling night scarfed up the tender
-eye of pitiful day,” when the tailor with palpitating
-heart ascended the rickety stairs that
-led to the apartment. How he was received
-there is no knowing, but it is apparent to all
-he soon ingratiated himself with the handsome
-damsel, as the sequel shows.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The knight of the thimble and needle had
-saved considerable money and was comely to
-look upon, while she was both free and willing
-to wed, so the courtship was a short one.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>As it happened, the tailor had received an
-offer from a business firm in the country that
-day, and as delays were considered dangerous,
-they decided to be married at once and start
-for their new home. It chanced that neither
-the lover nor his fair inamorata were troubled
-with enough luggage to require the services of
-an express wagon, and it wasn’t long before
-their traps were stuffed into sacks and bundles
-ready for removal.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Talk about striking while the iron is hot: they
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_457'>457</span>went ahead of the time-honored injunction, and
-hammered the iron while it was yet in the furnace.
-The bat had hardly found his evening
-meal before they were united and received the
-congratulations of the officiating clergyman,
-and before Hesperus led her starry host down
-to the western main the happy pair might have
-been seen bending under their respective burdens,
-and moving rapidly down the thoroughfare
-to catch the first train for the country.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p457.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>A MOVING SCENE.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_458'>458</span>Crispin soon discovered his handsome bird
-had flown. This was too much for the poor
-cobbler. He couldn’t bear up under the weight,
-and having procured a shot-gun, soon ceased to
-exist.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p458.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>SHUFFLING OFF THE MORTAL COIL.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>These facts I gleaned from a grocer who
-lived near by, and who was acquainted with all
-the parties. My mind was so disturbed by the
-distressing event, I found it impossible to sleep
-for hours after I reached my room. I started
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_459'>459</span>in to recite a book of Paradise Lost, but it was
-no go. I had Michael assaulting Satan with a
-shoemaker’s awl instead of with his sword of
-celestial temper. I then endeavored to run
-over an act in Shakespeare, but met with no
-better success. I had Othello blowing his head
-off with a shot-gun, instead of stabbing himself
-with a knife. Still, the terrible combination of
-circumstances culminating in the death of the
-poor cobbler crowded upon me in a saddening
-train, and much-needed rest came not to my
-relief until the following lines were composed
-and set to music:—</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in4'>“Oh, the sunshine of his life</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Had become a tailor’s wife,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Which was more than selfish heart could bear;</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>So he got his gun in haste,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>In his mouth the muzzle placed,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Turned his eyes aloft as if in prayer;</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>On the trigger set his toes—</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>As the illustration shows—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then up to the ceiling went his hair!</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p459.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div><span class='pageno' id='Page_460'>460</span></div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p460.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div>
-  <h2 class='c004'>THE LAST OF HIS RACE.</h2>
-</div>
-
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>While passing through the market this
-morning, I saw the old turkey that had
-escaped the ravages of Christmas. He is
-said to be the sole remnant of the turkey
-tribe—living or dead—at present to be found.
-Though the door of his coop was open he
-seemed to have no desire to escape. Evidently,
-like Byron’s “Prisoner of Chillon,” he
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_461'>461</span>has been so long an inmate he has become attached
-to it, and would rather remain there than
-take his chances in the busy world outside.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>He stood most of the time in the centre of
-the coop in a brown study. Once, while I was
-looking at him, he attempted to expand the
-dilapidated substitute for a tail and assume the
-dignity and strut of other days. The effort
-was too much for him, and he settled down
-again into a dreamy, somnolent state, from
-which the crowing of a large Brahma even
-failed to arouse him. The poor fellow will
-doubtless fall a victim to man’s rapacity on
-New Year, for I noticed a fleshy old epicure
-regarding him with hungry sinister looks; nay,
-more, setting a price upon his head.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Passing again through the market this afternoon,
-I noticed the coop was empty, the
-“Prisoner of Chillon” was missing. Who
-had purchased him? or what had become of
-him? were questions which, however pertinent
-they might be, I felt I had no right to
-ask, and I didn’t. But the finger of suspicion
-points directly at the mouth of that venerable
-justice who was setting a price upon its head.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_462'>462</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>JIM DUDLEY’S RACE.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Now that I am rid of my wild-cat mining
-stock, my aching teeth and inverted toenails,
-“Jim Dudley” turns up again with his
-stories and slang.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Last night he told about the fast team he once
-sported in Indiana, and I wager considerable
-that he never drove a horse in his life, except it
-was to the pound that the might get half the fine.
-But this is the way he spun his yarn:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Did the boys tell you about the span I used
-to drive down at Grab Corners? No? wal,
-that’s queer. I owned a mi’ty fast pair while I
-was stoppin’ thar.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“You see I fust had a four-year old hoss, and
-used to go buzzin’ through the village like a
-streak o’ lightnin’; and when I had jest enough
-whiskey aboard to make me feel a leetle reckless,
-I used to turn the corners on the two inner
-wheels and never make a miss of it.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_463'>463</span>“My ambition was to own a span, though.
-Arter a while I bought a young mare from Deacon
-Shovelridge. She was the homeliest lookin’
-critter, though, you ever sot eyes on. Her tail
-was as hairless as a garter snake. She was a
-basin-raised colt, and one mornin’ she was
-standin’ round whar the boys were makin’ soap,
-and while backin’ up to the blaze to git warm,
-her tail caught fire, and every spear of hair was
-burned off. It never came out agin, nuther.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“It made her look pooty bad, but I see the go
-was in her, and that was what I was arter.
-Durin’ fly time I used to help her out of her
-troubles a leetle by fastenin’ a heavy tassel to
-the end of her tail, and arter some practice she
-could fetch a fly off her ribs or fore shoulder
-e’enmost every pop.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I got her pooty reasonable. The Deacon
-said he was actewally ashamed to go out with
-her, for the boys were allers a-hootin’ arter him.
-Besides, the old codger seemed to have a likin’
-for me, and allers took my part when others
-were runnin’ me down. The mare matched the
-young hoss fust rate. Both had hides like rhinoceroses,
-which sweat could never get through.
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_464'>464</span>They might be bilin’ hot inside, but they never
-showed any signs of it outwardly.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p464.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>ABE DRAKE.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Arter a little trainin’ they pulled together,
-and spatted it out as even as the wheels of a
-ferry-boat. I used to make a commotion
-among the villagers when I turned out, for I
-could pass everythin’ around the Corners;
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_465'>465</span>and you ought to have seen the fellers a-runnin’
-out to hold their hosses by the head when
-they see me comin’, and the wimmin a-hollerin’
-and tuckin’ up their skirts and scuddin’ arter
-their young ‘uns as though a drove of Mexican
-cattle were a-comin’ across the bridge.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“One day an old sport named Abe Drake,
-a sort of spreein’ old bachelor, come over thar
-from Illinois. He afterwards married a brokin’ winded
-old concert singer that used to be
-squeakin’ around there, and went to live in
-Hulltown. Wal, as I was sayin’, he came over
-there and brought a spankin’ fine team along.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“They were amazin’ nice-lookin’ critters now,
-I can tell you; skins smooth and shiny as seals,
-and tails on ’em that actewally trailed in the
-dust behind. He allers had plenty of money,
-and was continewally takin’ the gals around to
-one place or another. He was ginerally considered
-the biggest cat on the wood pile. We
-never came in contact when we had our teams
-out until one day at a picnic in Gawley’s Wood.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“That straw-headed Kate Rykert was thar.
-She was the rollickin’, don’t-care gal of the village,
-one of these tree-climbin’, astride-ridin’
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_466'>466</span>critters, but a mi’ty good gal for all that, and
-handsome as a new fiddle. She was well up in
-the fine arts, but she could realize more genuine
-enjoyment chargin’ through the pastur’
-astride the old mooly cow than she could by
-trummin’ a pianer.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p466.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>KATE RYKERT.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Wal, there wasn’t hardly a gal in the village
-that Abe Drake hadn’t bin a-spurrin’ round,
-and he had sort o’ commenced a-trampin’ on
-his wing like around Kate Rykert about this
-time.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_467'>467</span>“It happened I had a sort of weakness that
-way myself, and I didn’t like his maneuverin’
-any too well now, I kin assure you. He
-couldn’t make much out of Kate, though.
-She liked fast horses and a splurge, but she
-wasn’t one of those gals that would marry an
-old pair of breeches jest because there was
-greenbacks in the pockets.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“But, as I was remarkin’, that day while the
-picnic was breakin’ up, we all got talkin’ about
-a ball that was comin’ off the followin’ week
-down at Crow Bend. Abe wanted Kate to go
-down thar with him, but she had partly agreed
-afore that to go long er me; so to git herself
-out of it and me in, she said she would go with
-the one who could take her the fastest.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘That’s me,’ said Abe, straightenin’ up kind
-of proudly, and givin’ his pantaloons a hitch up
-at the waistband. ‘I can let you count the
-panels along the turnpike a leetle the quickest
-of any person around these quarters,’ and he
-looked sideways at me to see how I took the
-assertion.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘It’s not allers the hen that does the most
-extensive advertizin’ that makes the largest
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_468'>468</span>deposits,’ said Tom Ruggles, laughin’, as he
-sat thar packin’ away his dishes.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘No, Tom,’ said Gus Parks, the millinery
-man, who didn’t like Abe any too well, because
-he sort o’ smashed an engagement between him
-and the schoolmarm; ‘and it’s not allers your
-longest-tailed quadrupeds that git over the
-ground the fastest, nuther.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Wal, never mind, boys,’ ses I, jest easy,
-that way, ‘the proof of the whiskey is in the
-headache arterwards. I reckon I kin kill as
-many grasshoppers between here and Grab
-Corners as any person that cracks a whip in
-these parts.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘What! with them thick-skinned critters of
-yourn?’ said Abe, p’intin’ his fingers at my
-hosses, and laughin’ as though it was mi’ty
-funny. It made me feel pooty riley, but I kept
-my temper.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Supposin’ they hev thick skins,’ I ses,
-‘they’re somethin’ like the cheese that goggle-eyed
-Peter bought from the peddler, their peculiarity
-doesn’t lie in the thickness of their hide
-so much as in the mysterious way they have of
-movin’ themselves around.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_469'>469</span>“‘S’pose you try a race back to the Corner,
-then,’ ses one of the boys.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Yes,’ ses Kate Rykert, clappin’ her hands
-and jumpin’ up. ‘I’ll ride back to the Corner
-with one of you, and let Tilley Evans go with the
-other, and I’ll go to the ball with the one who
-gets to the village first.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Agreed,’ ses Abe, ‘and you’ll ride back with
-me?’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘No, I’m heavier than Tilley,’ ses Kate, ‘let
-everythin’ be even; toss up for partners back to
-the Corner.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“This seemed fair, so we flipped, and I won
-Kate. She weighed ten pounds more than
-Tilley, but I didn’t care for that, for I knowed if
-the worst come to the worst, she was none of
-your jumpin’ out kind; she would stick to the
-buggy while there was one wheel and the seat
-left, and that’s the sort of a gal to have along
-with a feller when he’s tryin’ hoss flesh.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The whole picnic gathered around us when
-we were gettin’ our teams ready and war speculatin’
-on the result. Money was gwine up on
-all sides. Parson Briarly had no change about
-him, but he bet his gold-bowed spectacles against
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_470'>470</span>old Silverthorn’s meerschaum pipe that I would
-git to the Corner fust.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Beat him, Jim,’ ses Gus Parks, ‘and I’ll
-give Kate the best bonnet in the store.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘And I’ll give her the highest-heeled pair of
-boots that I’ve got in my shop,’ said Tom Ruggles,
-the boot and shoe dealer.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Then Kate is a bonnet and a pair of boots
-ahead, for sartain,’ says I, jumpin’ into the buggy
-and squarin’ round my horses for the road; and
-with that we started, lick-a-te-split! down the
-turnpike, Abe a leetle ahead, but not enough
-to make much difference with five miles of
-good turnpike ahead of us, without let or
-hindrance.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Pooty soon Kate leaned over to me, and ses
-she, ‘You must beat him, Jim, for between you
-and me, I would ruther go to the ball with you
-than with Abe.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“This made me feel mi’ty good, and ses I,
-‘You mustn’t get skeered, then, for I reckon
-we’ll hev to take some desperate chances to git
-thar fust.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Let me alone for that,’ ses she; ‘when I
-can’t ride as fast as a hoss can run, then I’ll stay
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_471'>471</span>to hum, and let dad tote me around in the
-wheelbarrow.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Just then we came up with him. He tried
-to shake us off, and would spurt ahead, but I’d
-crawl up on him agin, and stick thar, lappin’
-him and goin’ with him stretch for stretch, like
-a dog when he’s a-freezin’ to a pig’s ear. Away
-went Kate’s hat a-flutterin’ over butter-cup
-swale, like a Bird of Paradise over the gardin’
-of Eden.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘That’s mi’ty bad, Kate,’ ses I, lookin’ over
-my shoulder at it sailin’ off.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Let it go hatchin’,’ ses Kate, laughin’. ‘It’s
-only gettin’ out of the way of the new bonnet.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I thought ’twas a good omen myself, but
-didn’t say anythin’, for jist then Abe shot a leetle
-ahead, and as he was gwine off, he hollered,
-‘You can’t do it, Jim.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘I kin,’ ses I, determinedly.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Your hosses are ginnin’ out; they hain’t
-got the bottom into ’em,’ he shouted, jest that
-way.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘It must hev dropped out last night, then,’
-ses I, and with that I overhauled him agin.
-Past Brian O’Laughlan’s door yard we went
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_472'>472</span>like a whirlwind through a flour ‘mill, over a
-hen and three suckin’ pigs. The old woman
-was standin’ thar in the yard with her apron
-full of chickens, shakin’ her fist at us and
-swearin’ like a drunken gypsy. Her long
-tongue was a-slushin’ and dashin’ against her
-one front tooth like a mop ag’inst a table leg.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p472.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>MRS. O’LAUGHLAN.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_473'>473</span>“I could have laughed myself to tears only
-I had to keep my eyes clear, for the road was
-so narrow in some places that when we were
-abreast there wasn’t any ground to spare.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p473.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>JUST AS IT WAS.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“We were now passin’ the half-way spring
-and the race was fully as undecided as when we
-broke away from the hootin’ crowd on the picnic
-grounds.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Down past old Deacon Shovelridge’s ten-acre
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_474'>474</span>hop yard we went rack-a-te-bang! hub end
-against hub end, and the outer wheels a-spokin’
-it within six inches of a four-foot ditch.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The ride to the Corners began to look like
-the ride to etarnity, and Tilley was as pale as
-a gray nun’s ghost, and continewally making
-narvous reaches for the lines.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“But Kate was equal to the surroundin’s.
-Thar she sot, with one arm around me and
-’tother graspin’ the seat rail, and above the
-clatter of hoofs and steel axles, I could hear
-her repeatin’:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Stick to him, Jim, and start my stitches, if
-he doesn’t git his crop full of dust yet!’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Old Shovelridge was in the field on a load
-of hay as we were passin’. He was inclined
-to piety, and if the world had no hosses in it I
-reckon he’d have been as pious as a church
-organ.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“And when he saw us a-raspin’ down the
-turnpike as though we were ridin’ in a four-hoss
-chariot, and saw Kate Rykert’s great
-swad of blonde har a-streamin’ out behind, like
-the tail of a comet, he couldn’t contain his
-feelin’s no how.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_475'>475</span>“He gin a rousin’ whoop like a Chilchat
-Indian, when he sights a fur hunter. Throwin’
-away the pitchfork—which accidentl’y harpooned
-the old lady in the back who was rakin’
-behind—and jumpin’ from the load, he took
-across the field to’ards the turnpike, swingin’
-his old straw hat and hollerin’:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Go it, Dudley; go it! Keep the hoss up
-with the rat-tail mare, and I’ll bet my farm
-you’ll make Grab Corner fust!’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“This made me feel pooty good, for the
-mare was the one I had some fears about.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“But you ought to see how it affected Abe;
-he commenced to slash his hosses and swar
-like an ox teamster when his cart is stuck hub
-deep in the mud.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Finally the off-horse broke, and there was
-a sort of irregular upheaval among ’em for a
-while, as though they war steppin’ on broken
-cakes of ice; one would be gwine down while
-’tother was a-comin’ up.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Abe tried to bring ’em down to their work
-agin, and in the meantime I kind of corkscrewed
-ahead and swung into the centre of
-the road in advance of him. Then I began to
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_476'>476</span>feel somethin’ like a feller what holds the winnin’
-cards, and sees the other chaps a-pilin’ up
-the coin on their inferior pasteboards. But I
-see some young half-breeds a-squattin’ around
-on the road about a quarter of a mile ahead,
-and knowed at the rate we war travellin’ we’d
-be on top of ’em before they’d see us if I didn’t
-haul up.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“So I ses to Kate, ‘See them plag’y brats ahead
-of us thar! what bed we better do about it?’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Run over the centipedes,’ ses she. ‘Abe
-ain’t a gwine to slack up for ’em,’ and she
-cuddled closer to me so the jolt wouldn’t hist
-her out.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I shouted two or three times, but they were
-too busy with their mud pies, I reckon, to take
-any notice, and Abe was makin’ no signs of
-haulin’ up. I did my best to sheer round ’em,
-and kept right on for the Corner.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I heered ’em scream as we went a-whirlin’
-on, but reckon it was more through fright than
-injury.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Abe had lost his grippin’s. He couldn’t
-overhaul me ag’in, no how, and I gradually
-crawled away from him, if he did his pootiest.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_477'>477</span>“The whole village seemed to be out to the
-bridge to see what was comin.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“They see the dust risin’ when we were
-more’n a mile away, and they allowed the
-greatest run-away was a-comin’ down the turnpike
-that had happened since Bull Run, and
-were out thar speculatin’ as to whose family
-was in danger.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“But when they see it was a race, and recognized
-me, you ought to see the scatterin’
-amongst ’em. You’d think a hull menagery
-had broken loose and was comin’ for ’em.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Ole Pelvy, the shoemaker, was a-settin’ on
-the railin’ of the bridge; but jest as I crossed
-it, the crowd hoorayed, and jostled him off. He
-hung over the railin’ by one leg, with his body
-swayin’ below, and him a-hollerin’ like a good
-feller, and signalin’ for help, but the crowd were
-so taken up with the race, and were cheerin’
-and swingin’ of their hats continewally, that
-they never knowed anythin’ about his position.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_478'>478</span>
-<img src='images/p478.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>CURING PEOPLE’S CORNS.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Pooty soon his leg slipped over, and then
-he went, end over end more’n twenty-five feet,
-into the river, and was carried over the falls
-before anybody missed him. Arter that people
-weren’t troubled so much with corns around
-Grab Corner, for though he’s dead now, I’ll say
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_479'>479</span>it of him, he was the wust shoemaker that ever
-shoved an awl into a hide.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“I druv up to the hotel, and had jest got
-through helpin’ Kate out, when up come Abe,
-with his hosses hobblin’ as if they had picked up
-a twenty-penny nail in every hoof.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“They looked somewhat as if they had bin
-swimmin’ in a soap vat.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Abe was very much of a man, though, arter
-all. His hosses I reckon had never bin passed
-before, but he didn’t bluster or git mad about it
-neither, though it must have bin pooty tryin’ to
-him.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘By the Witch of Endor’s long eye tooth,’
-he cried, as he jumped from the buggy, ‘you did
-it, Jim; and you did it fair. Only I kinder
-think you swung in ahead of me a leetle too
-quick, back thar where that crazy old whipperin
-hollered so.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘No, Abe,’ ses I, ‘I didn’t take an inch o’
-turnpike till I was entitled to it.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“‘Wal,’ ses he, as he came round to look at
-my animals, that were standin’ thar seemingly
-as cool as a brace of toads in a celler, ‘I’ll be
-shot if them hosses of yourn ain’t somethin’ like
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_480'>480</span>the widder Tappan’s boarders. The speed
-they show in gettin’ away with anythin’ was
-most surprisin’.’</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“So Kate Rykert got the bonnet and boots,
-and I gin her a new dress to go with them, and
-if we didn’t shine out some the next week down
-to Crow Bend then thar ain’t no use talkin’
-about it, that’s all.”</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p480.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_481'>481</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>OLEOMARGARINE.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='large'>T</span>hrough the busy bustling street,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Rolls a cart I often meet,</div>
-      <div class='line'>The driver shouting from the seat:</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>“Oleomargarine!”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>On the tail-board long and wide,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Reaching fair from side to side,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Shines the word in painted pride:</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>“Oleomargarine!”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>What it is doth not appear,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Where it comes from all may fear,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Still I shudder when I hear:</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>“Oleomargarine!”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Here and there he slowly crawls,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Pausing by the butcher stalls,</div>
-      <div class='line'>In the kitchen door he bawls:</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>“Oleomargarine!”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Bring your tallow, bring your fat,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Candle ends and all like that,</div>
-      <div class='line'>They will issue from the vat</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Oleomargarine.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_482'>482</span>Any scraps you have about,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Kidney, liver, tripe, or snout,</div>
-      <div class='line'>All will make, when they’re tried out,</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Oleomargarine.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Comes the cry across the way,</div>
-      <div class='line'>From a dame with rent to pay:</div>
-      <div class='line'>“Do you purchase puppies? say,</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Oleomargarine!”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“Is he fat?” the driver cries;</div>
-      <div class='line'>“I should say so,” she replies;</div>
-      <div class='line'>“Then pitch him in where pussy lies.”</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Oleomargarine!</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>In the church, or at the play,</div>
-      <div class='line'>In the parlor, night or day,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Still the voices seem to say:</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>“Oleomargarine!”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>From the birds that round me fly,</div>
-      <div class='line'>In the brook that babbles by,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Still I seem to catch the cry:</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>“Oleomargarine!”</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>With suspicion now I spread</div>
-      <div class='line'>The cow’s rich offering on my bread</div>
-      <div class='line'>That weird butter still I dread,—</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Oleomargarine!</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Dainties now I must forego,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Pies and cakes and puddings, Oh!</div>
-      <div class='line'>Can I trust them? no! no!! no!!!</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Oleomargarine!</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_483'>483</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>DINING UNDER DIFFICULTIES.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Taking dinner to-day in a restaurant, I was
-in danger of being carried off by cockroaches.
-If I was inclined to draw comparisons,
-I would say that in size the cockroaches I encountered
-in this place would compare favorably
-with cupboard door buttons. I had seen these
-troublesome insects on former occasions when
-I thought they were numerous—when they were
-as thick around the bread-plate as bees around
-their hive in June. But I had never been present
-when they turned out in sufficient numbers
-to take and hold possession of everything upon
-the table, even to the mustard-pot. To-day I
-witnessed such a spectacle. I counted until I
-tired; their skelping to and fro made the task
-painfully difficult, and the effort was abandoned.
-They had evidently been lying in ambush in the
-cruet stand from the moment I sat down and
-gave my order, for the ring of the plate as it
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_484'>484</span>struck the board seemed to be the signal for a
-general advance. They appeared in military
-ranks, moving towards the dish in a semicircle,
-like a line of Fenian skirmishers advancing heroically
-upon a turnip patch. There were no
-frost-nipped fellows, with drooping horns and
-dragging limbs, among those legions either. All
-were active, square-shouldered customers, real
-thoroughbreds, wide across the hips, and boasting
-a depth of chest capable of enduring any
-amount of running; while their long, formidable-looking
-feelers stood out at right
-angles from their heads, like the horns on a
-Mexican steer.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p484.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>BUMMERS ON THE RAID.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_485'>485</span>“During your natural life,” I commenced, addressing
-a waiter who stood near by, evidently
-enjoying my surprise, “whether while officiating
-as head steward on board of a floating palace
-on the Mississippi, or serving as second cook
-on a grain scow on the San Joaquin, did you
-ever run across a place where the cockroaches
-were one-ninetieth part as numerous as they
-are in this restaurant?”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Numerous?” he answered; “you should
-be here a warm, sunshiny day, if you want to
-see cockroaches, for then all the invalids are
-out—those fellows who have had their movements
-across the table accelerated by a snapping
-finger, or such as have only tasted the
-poison scattered around for their benefit, or
-those who have taken an overdose and throwed
-it up again. These lie in cracks and cupboards,
-with stiffened joints and weak stomachs,
-when the weather is cold and cloudy;
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_486'>486</span>but when a warm day comes, they are all
-abroad and busy.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Well, I will bear that in mind,” I said, rising
-from the table, “and when the next total eclipse
-of the sun occurs, which, as I am informed, will
-take place in about four hundred and thirty-seven
-years, I may come into this restaurant
-for another meal, and not until then,” and with
-that I left.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>The editor of a city paper having occasion
-to take a trip into the country, prevailed
-upon me to assume the responsibility of answering
-letters from correspondents. The
-task is an onerous one—the more so as the
-editor, with that cunning ever noticeable in a
-person who takes the cream of a job, left me
-to reply only to the knottiest epistles. But I
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_487'>487</span>will some time get even with him, however. I
-will assume the editorial “we,” and should I
-waken the wrath of any person, <em>he</em> will be the
-sufferer. Here is a copy of my answer to
-“Katie:”—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“The minister was perfectly right in refusing
-to marry the couple, if, as you say, the bride
-insisted upon holding her poodle in her arms
-during the ceremony. The more so as the
-clergyman was near-sighted. He might possibly
-mistake the puppy for the bridegroom.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Another person accuses a correspondent of
-a mis-statement. He says it was the editor of
-the <cite>Farmer</cite>, and not the editor of the <cite>Examiner</cite>,
-who planted the package of No. 16 homœopathic
-pills sent him from the country by a wag,
-as the seeds of a Sandwich Island cabbage.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The old editor for weeks regularly watered
-the plot where he sowed them; but as nothing
-appeared, wrote to the country gentleman, informing
-him that his seeds hadn’t sprouted, and
-he thought it likely they might have been taken
-from a dead head.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“Amy” is all in a fluster about spirits. I
-will talk to her after this manner:—</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_488'>488</span>“We have always considered spiritualism the
-bluest carbuncle that ever festered upon the
-neck of society. We care not if the spirits
-were rapping around our table like a forty-stamp
-mill, we would eat our regular allowance
-with all the coolness that a Celestial manifests
-when absorbing his birds’-nest soup. If your bed
-dances a <em>pas-seul</em> after you get into it at night,
-there must be more than spirits around; and
-you would do well to throw a boot-jack or flat-iron
-under it before retiring. Such a proceeding
-might give you the satisfaction of hearing
-the spirits yell blue murder.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>“There is not much danger of your going
-crazy, because, in plain terms, we consider you
-to be luny already. The poor fellow in the
-lunatic asylum who imagines Queen Victoria
-has made a private residence of his nose, and
-who has nearly blown both eyes out striving to
-eject her, is hardly more so.”</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I trust the editor will lose some hair over that
-answer.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>On second thought, I remember the editor
-has none.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_489'>489</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>COURT-ROOM SCENES.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>I am as full of law this evening as a sea-shell of
-sound, having been wedged in the District
-Court room from 10 o’clock <span class='fss'>A. M.</span> to 9 <span class='fss'>P. M.</span>,
-listening to testimony in the re-trial of the case
-of the People vs. a fiery lady, if we may use
-the expression, who brought down her game
-the first shot.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Though the room was crowded almost to suffocation,
-I fancy there is not that deep interest
-that was manifested during the former trial.
-On that occasion there were so many letters
-introduced in evidence, such a mass of private
-correspondence dragged from musty trunks,
-and laid open to the public, that thousands
-flocked daily to the court room, in hopes of
-hearing something rich, if not instructive. I shall
-never forget the excitement during the reading
-of letter No. 947. It was from the defendant.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The counsel for the defence argued a good
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_490'>490</span>round two hours and a half by the court-room
-clock, against the letter being admitted in evidence.
-He maintained it was irrelevant, as it
-had never been opened, the receiver forgetting
-to read it, or neglecting to do so, for some
-reason of his own.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p490.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>A DROWSY JURY.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>The counsel for the people followed with
-even a longer appeal to the judge to admit the
-letter, strengthening his argument by lengthy
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_491'>491</span>quotations from Blackstone, Kent, Wharton,
-and other authorities, endeavoring to prove
-it should be put in evidence, as its contents
-might assist materially in furthering the ends of
-justice.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The judge began to show unmistakable signs
-of impatience. He remarked that already a
-package of letters had been read that would go
-far towards shingling the Mechanics’ Pavilion,
-and had no more bearing upon the point at
-issue than “Darwin’s Descent of Man” had
-upon the culture of white beans. He finally
-gave way before the preponderance of the
-prosecuting attorney’s argument, and directed
-an officer to wake the jury, as a letter was to
-be read that all should hear. After considerable
-shaking and poking, this difficult duty was
-performed. Even the deaf juror was aroused,
-though the good-natured judge had permitted
-him to sleep during the introduction of several
-preceding epistles.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>After order was restored, and an inventive
-juror had improvised an ear trumpet with a
-piece of legal cap for his unfortunate companion,
-the <i><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">billet doux</span></i> was opened. As the seal was
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_492'>492</span>broken, judge and jury rose to their feet with
-one accord, and leaned as far forward as their
-desks would allow, the more readily to catch
-every word of the important document. The
-silence in the room was death-like. It was supposed
-that on the contents of this letter hung
-either a scaffold or an acquittal. The weak ticking
-of the dusty clock upon the wall was the
-only sound that disturbed the awful stillness.
-As the calm settled, the muffled beat of the
-time-piece increased in force and volume until
-it seemed to attain the tones of a fire bell.
-Presently the attorney in a high and tremulous
-voice began to read. The contents ran thus:—</p>
-
-<p class='c013'>“<span class='sc'>My Dear, Delightful Darling</span>:—How are my
-stocks selling now?</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-r c017'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Your Loving, Adoring L——.”</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>The effect was thrilling. The lawyer dropped
-the letter upon the table before him, ran his white
-fingers through his hair, and looked around
-with the air of a tired traveler when he ascertains
-he has walked five miles upon the wrong
-road. The gentlemen of the jury, with looks
-more of anger than of sorrow, dropped into
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_493'>493</span>their seats as suddenly as though an invisible
-hand had caught them from behind and jerked
-them to their benches.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The Judge, with an ill-concealed look of disgust,
-settled back into his chair, and the deep
-crease in his vest, immediately over where his
-dinner should have been hours before, grew
-more painfully perceptible.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I elbowed my way from the suffocating room
-before further correspondence was selected from
-the package for perusal.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>THE MASON’S RIDE.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='large'>T</span>he goat, the goat, the bearded goat!</div>
-      <div class='line'>The horned, the hoofed, the hairy goat!</div>
-      <div class='line'>As I’m a sinner of some note,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Last night I rode the Mason’s goat!</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He was a beast of wondrous size,</div>
-      <div class='line'>With lengthy limbs and glassy eyes,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And beard that swept the carpet clear,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And horns that shook the chandelier!</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_494'>494</span>Ye gods! if there’s a time we feel</div>
-      <div class='line'>Misgivings through our noddle steal,</div>
-      <div class='line'>It is when we through mystery float</div>
-      <div class='line'>Upon the dark Freemason’s goat.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Now some will say there’s no such thing,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And at the goat derision fling;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And say that all is Fancy wrought,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Through fear and dread suspicion brought.</div>
-      <div class='line'>But those who such remarks outpour</div>
-      <div class='line'>Have never knocked at Mason’s door,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Have nothing known about that beast</div>
-      <div class='line'>That was imported from the East,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Where kings of wisdom, wealth, and pomp</div>
-      <div class='line'>Bestrode him through his midnight romp.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Three times was I compelled to ride</div>
-      <div class='line'>The creature ‘round the Temple wide,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But while I tried the fearful mount,</div>
-      <div class='line'>My heart’s pulsations all might count,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For thump on thump with treble knell</div>
-      <div class='line'>Within my breast it rose and fell.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Twice did I make the circuit fair,</div>
-      <div class='line'>My hold his horns, his tail, or hair,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Though never shot a kangaroo,</div>
-      <div class='line'>So fast Australian jungle through.</div>
-      <div class='line'>From garret roof to basement floor,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Through ante-room and closet door,</div>
-      <div class='line'>O’er winding steps and columns tall,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He held his way through house and hall,</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_495'>495</span>Till on the third attempt, and last,</div>
-      <div class='line'>When I presumed all danger past,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He pitched me clear of horns and head,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And left me far below for dead.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p495.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE ROCKY ROAD TO MASONRY.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-l c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I felt as though a worthless clod</div>
-      <div class='line'>Unfit to keep above the sod;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But when I rose with terror pale</div>
-      <div class='line'>The goat had vanished, head and tail,</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_496'>496</span>And I was styled by one and all</div>
-      <div class='line'>The greenest mason in the hall.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Let those who deem they are possessed</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of fadeless cheeks and valiant breast,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of hair that never will aspire</div>
-      <div class='line'>To bristle like a brush of wire,</div>
-      <div class='line'>No matter through what risk they run,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Go ride that goat, as I have done.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p496.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div><span class='pageno' id='Page_497'>497</span></div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p497.jpg' alt='JUNE' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div>
-  <h2 class='c004'>JUNE</h2>
-</div>
-
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c009'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='large'>O</span>h June! thou comest once again</div>
-      <div class='line'>With bales of hay and sheaves of grain,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That make the farmer’s heart rejoice,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And anxious herds lift up their voice.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I hear thy promise, sunny maid,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Sound in the reapers’ ringing blade,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And in the laden harvest wain,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That rumbles through the stubble plain.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Ye tell a tale of bearded stacks,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of busy mills and floury sacks;</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_498'>498</span>Of cars oppressed with cumbrous loads,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Hard curving down their iron roads;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of barges grounding on their way</div>
-      <div class='line'>Down winding streams to reach the bay;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of vessels spreading to the breeze</div>
-      <div class='line'>Their snowy sails in stormy seas,</div>
-      <div class='line'>While bearing to some foreign strand</div>
-      <div class='line'>The products of this golden land.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Ye come again with cereal brows,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And crescent blade, to fill the mows;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And never fall thy feet too soon,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Oh, ever welcome, sunny June.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Once more I see your banner spread</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Across the evening sky,</div>
-      <div class='line'>I see your trace in shallow brooks</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That feebly ripple by.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I see your face in mirror-lakes,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In fields and forests old,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And in the gardens all arrayed</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In crimson, blue and gold.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I hear your voice in twittering birds,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That round the gables wheel,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And in the humming monologues</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Which from the meadows steal.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Oh, month of Love and plighted faith,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And airy castles high!</div>
-      <div class='line'>I hear you in the lover’s song</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And in the maiden’s sigh.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_499'>499</span>And in the breeze that gently wakes</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The leaves upon the bough,</div>
-      <div class='line'>I feel your soothing mother-touch</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Caressing cheek and brow.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Oh, sweet as sunrise to the lark,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As noonday to the bee,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or evening to the nightingale,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Is June’s return to me.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p499.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_500'>500</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>THE ANNIVERSARY.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>This is the anniversary of my departure
-from my native fields. As I sit gazing
-by the fire, pondering over the event, thoughts
-of friends far away and foes who are near,
-come crowding upon me numerous as spirits
-around some favored medium.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Many years ago I turned my back upon all I
-loved and setting my face against the sinking
-sun, cried:—</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“Ho, sailors! spread your widest sails,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And court the strong impellent gales,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Until the stout and stubborn mast</div>
-      <div class='line'>Bends like a sapling to the blast;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And westward let your bearing be;</div>
-      <div class='line'>My fortune lies beyond the sea.”</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>What a ruinous rent fifteen or twenty years
-make in a person’s lease of life. Why, bless
-my benighted understanding! the seal, the signature
-and the better portion of the parchment
-are gone. There’s hardly enough document
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_501'>501</span>remaining upon which to hinge a hope. Now,
-that I think of it, what have the departed years
-neglected to bring me? No flaxen heads
-cluster around my board; no nose is flattened
-against the window pane; no eye strained to
-mark my coming, when the granite pave is
-chafed by the homeward hastening feet.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>No jute or mohair chignons lie around my
-room in rich profusion, adding charms to the
-apartment that pictures cannot give.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>When I muse upon the many blessings that
-the past years have failed to furnish, I am inclined
-to sadness. But when I turn to contemplate
-what they <em>have</em> brought, my heart sinks
-down into its lowest recess and for a time lies
-still. Aye! that’s the rub that makes me
-wince.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>There is but little satisfaction in the thought
-that I am not alone in this. I look around and
-I see others drifting down the stream as rapidly
-as I. Time is cutting furrows in fairer brows
-than mine. He has brought many a person
-during the last ten years—</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>A scattered sight, a limping gait,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Toothless gums and a shining pate.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_502'>502</span>Why should I squeal because I feel his hands?
-But where are those full cheeks, those hopeful
-smiles, those luxuriant locks, and firm-set grinders
-that once were mine?</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Gone, like the life from a busted balloon,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Gone, like the soul from a ruptured bassoon,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Gone, like the sheen from a pock-pitted cheek,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Gone, like our change at the close of the week,</div>
-      <div class='line in42'>Gone!</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>But what has that to do with my sore heel,
-peeled to-day by the hoof of a clergyman’s
-horse before I could get out of the way? The
-event called forth the following lines, written
-while laboring under great mental excitement:</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>How blest is he above the many</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who turns to-day a handsome penny,</div>
-      <div class='line'>By stating to the drowsy throng</div>
-      <div class='line'>The line dividing right and wrong!</div>
-      <div class='line'>Far richer pickings he commands</div>
-      <div class='line'>Than ears of corn rubbed in the hands.</div>
-      <div class='line'>How different now from days of yore,</div>
-      <div class='line'>When sandal-shod and spirit sore,</div>
-      <div class='line'>With stiffened joints and limber thews,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And garments damp with midnight dews,</div>
-      <div class='line'>The poor Apostles, staff in hand,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Went limping through a stranger’s land.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_503'>503</span>Now charge they up and down the way,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Like jockeys on the “Derby day;”</div>
-      <div class='line'>And we poor wights must waltz aside,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And let the pulpit princes glide;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or have a phaeton o’er us wheeled,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or have our heels adroitly peeled.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Oh, money! money! root and start</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of every sin, ’tis claimed thou art;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But let them doubt the fact who will,</div>
-      <div class='line'>’Tis money spreads the gospel still.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>A COUNTRY TOUR.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Yesterday I took a trip to a quiet country
-resort. On entering the town I was
-surprised at the scarcity of men in the place.
-There were plenty of women—fashionably
-dressed and otherwise—to be seen in the
-houses or gardens, but I rarely encountered
-one of the male sex in my travels through the
-streets. This, I at first supposed, was owing to
-the number of gentlemen residing there who
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_504'>504</span>carry on business in the city by the sea, and
-are consequently in the latter place during the
-day. I was informed, however, by the proprietor
-of the hotel at which I stopped, that such
-was not the case. He assured me it was
-mainly owing to the fact that the County Court
-commenced that morning, and most of the male
-inhabitants, as was their custom on such occasions,
-had taken to the surrounding woods and
-mountains to escape jury duty.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The place is beautifully situated between high
-green hills, and said to possess the healthiest
-climate of any town in the State. During the
-summer months people flock there from all
-parts of the country. Healthy people pay
-high prices at the hotels for the privilege of
-living there, and sickly people do likewise, for
-the privilege of dying there.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>The peculiarities of the town, and the distinctive
-manners and customs of the inhabitants,
-have been ably described by a poet
-whose effusions have not yet been translated
-into the foreign languages. Following is a
-part of the poem which bears directly on the
-town in question:—</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_505'>505</span>“Here rest we now by sulphur well,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Where invalids and nurses dwell;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Where yelping dogs run through the street</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Like wolves across a prairie wide,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And cattle wild as bison meet</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>You face to face, on every side;</div>
-      <div class='line'>With tails in air, and frothy nose,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And leveled horns, they round you close.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“Where people sit around the door,</div>
-      <div class='line'>In lazy groups of three or four,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And still their chronic thirst abate</div>
-      <div class='line'>With copious draughts of ‘sulphur straight.’”</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>There was quite an excitement in the town
-before I left. A fire broke out in an ash barrel
-situated in the rear yard of the house at which
-I was stopping, and for a time threatened to
-destroy the ashes. There is no estimating the
-amount of damage the citizens might have suffered
-if the fire had spread to a wash-tub that
-stood close by, and which at the time contained
-a portion of the town’s washing. Business was
-generally suspended, and stock in the insurance
-companies went down immediately. The citizens
-breathed more freely, however, when the
-efficient and energetic Fire Department turned
-out promptly as one man, and hastened to the
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_506'>506</span>city water-works, situated on a slight eminence
-in the centre of the town, and, turning on the
-water, succeeded in extinguishing the flames.
-The only damage done was the partial burning
-of the barrel and the scorching of the wash-tub
-and five dog-houses. The dogs were lying under
-the kitchen stove at the time, and escaped injury.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p506.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <span class='pageno' id='Page_507'>507</span>
-  <h2 class='c004'>A TRIP ACROSS THE BAY.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>I took a trip across the water this afternoon.
-The bay was so rough the ferry-boat
-could scarcely make her trips. The passengers
-were nearly all sea-sick, and, elbow to elbow,
-leaned over the side of the vessel. One gentleman,
-while gazing into the sea, lost his hat
-overboard, but he was so taken up with internal
-affairs that he cared little for outward appearances,
-as one could readily observe.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I reached my destination, and was convinced
-that all the sorrows are not on the sea. I saw
-a poor old woman thrown into terrible disorder
-by a kick from the cow she was milking in her
-own yard. Judging by the quantity of milk
-lying around loose, she must have been nearly
-through her task, and was probably in the very
-act of complimenting the cow for her generosity,
-when the spiteful animal gave the pail a hoist
-completely over the woman’s head, like a huge
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_508'>508</span>helmet, while the lacteal fluid ran down her
-body. The pail seemed to stick, despite her
-efforts to remove it.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p508.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>PEERING INTO THE DEPTHS.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>As I looked back, I could see her groping toward
-the house, her visage still concealed in the
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_509'>509</span>blue bucket. She did look odd enough, as she
-felt her way up the steps, decorated with that
-novel head-dress.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p509.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>GOOD-BYE.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>There is a youth in this suburban town who
-bids fair to be a second Landseer. As I passed
-his father’s residence, I saw the young aspirant
-at work sketching from nature.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_510'>510</span>He had the foot of a little cur fast in the
-jaws of a steel-trap staked in the orchard.
-The artist sat at a short distance sketching the
-poor beast, as it stood on three legs gazing
-at the heavens and crying piteously. He
-was eagerly striving to get the expression of
-pain upon the dog’s face, and by the grin
-upon his own countenance I judged he was
-succeeding.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p510.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>SKETCHING FROM NATURE.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>There was something in the pair that reminded
-me of Parrhasius and the Captive; and
-being in somewhat of a sketching mood myself
-at the time, I produced my book and pencil,
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_511'>511</span>and leaning over the fence, sketched the
-painter and his howling model.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p511.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>SO SICK!</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>On my way back to the city the bay seemed
-even rougher than in the morning. There was
-hardly a passenger on board the ferry-boat but
-showed symptoms of trouble. Although most
-of them would have been excellent subjects for
-the artist of a comic pictorial, my attention was
-specially directed towards an elderly lady who
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_512'>512</span>sat with folded arms, the elbows resting upon
-her knees, and a most woe-begone expression
-upon her wrinkled visage. Some passengers
-who were sick were able partly to conceal their
-emotions; <em>she</em> was not; every muscle of her
-face betrayed her. She was sick and couldn’t
-help but show it.</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p512.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic003'>
-<p>AT THE RAIL.</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_513'>513</span>If any individual amongst that crowd of disquieted
-passengers knocked louder at the door
-of human sympathy than did the old lady referred
-to, it was unmistakably that woman who
-was sick and had to show it at the vessel’s rail.</p>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>CHRISTMAS EVE.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='drop-capa0_0_6 c011'>Christmas Eve! I sit idly by my window,
-listening to the rapid patter of the
-rain upon the shingles and the wild whistle of
-the wind as it plays around the gables, or draws
-weird music from the telegraph wires stretched
-between the house tops, and upon which dangles
-the ghost of many a schoolboy’s kite. Christmas
-Eve! and I am not yet invited out to dinner!
-what can this mean? Am I then left to
-wither for want of attention, like some poor
-shrub plucked from a garden and planted in a
-graveyard? Well, let it be so. Alone though
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_514'>514</span>I am, I nevertheless enjoy myself hugely, and it
-requires considerable to enliven me now. There
-was a time when I could be moved to mirth by
-very little. The desperate efforts of a one-legged
-grasshopper describing circles while endeavoring
-to leap straight ahead, would amuse
-me for hours together. But it is not so now; I
-turn from such scenes to bury my eyes in the
-pages of profound works, and it is meet and
-proper I should.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>For the last half hour I have been watching
-an old washerwoman stealing, as I think, a
-neighbor’s wood. It is barely possible that she
-is taking this method of paying herself for services
-rendered at the tub. Be this as it may,
-the wood is going. There is no mistake about
-that.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>It is interesting to me, as it furnishes food for
-comment, and keeps the mind from lagging too
-long around the saddening fact that Time is
-writing lines upon my brow “with his antique
-pen.” Besides it is holiday season, and though
-I am not able to be charitable to a great degree,
-I can at least afford to be indifferent in
-this case.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_515'>515</span>The washerwoman is doubtless a hard-working
-and deserving old body, who perhaps has
-sunk her whole week’s earnings in a Christmas
-turkey, that her children’s hearts may be made
-glad and their stomachs full; and it would be a
-great pity if it should be spoiled i’ the cooking
-for the want of fuel.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I waive the crime, and speak of the facts from
-a disinterested stand-point. I have been such a
-diligent scholar in the severe school of experience,
-that I have learned to look upon my own
-misfortunes lightly, and certainly can behold—with
-an unmoistened eye—my neighbor’s
-choicest sticks noiselessly slipping into an adjoining
-yard. Besides, my neighbor can afford
-to lose a few. To make my position good, I
-entrench myself behind the following fact: To
-be in the fashion, he pays the price of a good-sized
-farm for seats at the opera, where the
-language is as foreign to his understanding as
-South Sea Island gibberish. While he indifferently
-beholds such a wasteful running at the
-bung, why should I assume the busybody’s <i><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">rôle</span></i>
-and clap my finger on the dripping spigot?</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Besides, I saw his wife last evening with fully
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_516'>516</span>four yards of expensive satin trailing in the
-dust. It was my misfortune to be walking
-directly behind her. As the crowd was pressing
-me onward, I was obliged to dance a sailor’s
-hornpipe around the hall, in order to keep from
-treading upon her skirts. It needed not the
-grins of lookers-on to assure me that I was
-cutting a ridiculous figure.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>I am now enjoying my revenge! Indirectly
-though it comes, it is none the less sweet or
-acceptable. On the contrary, it is rather more
-gratifying, as it calls for no action on my part,
-but simply to keep my mouth hermetically
-sealed. The poet truly sings:—</p>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c010'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>“Time at last sets all things even.”</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c006'>It has been in this case much quicker than I
-expected. As the skinny white arm stretches
-up out of the gloom of the washerwoman’s
-yard, and another billet shoots from the pile
-and disappears like a star from the firmament
-of heaven, I feel that a load is lifted from my
-heart, and I am reaping revenge.</p>
-
-<p class='c006'>Stay! what is this? a note, that all the evening
-escaped my notice. Lo! an aroma issues
-<span class='pageno' id='Page_517'>517</span>from it, sweet as Cytherea’s breath! It is an
-invitation, as I live, to help dissect a Christmas
-turkey! Sound the timbrel, beat the tom-tom.
-I am not forgotten yet!</p>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/p517.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='pbb'>
- <hr class='pb c018' />
-</div>
-<div class='tnotes'>
-
-<div class='section ph2'>
-
-<div class='nf-center-c0'>
-<div class='nf-center c003'>
-    <div>TRANSCRIBER’S NOTES</div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-</div>
-
- <ol class='ol_1 c002'>
-    <li>P. <a href='#t319'>319</a>, changed “shovin’ of it” to “shovin’ all of it”.
-
-    </li>
-    <li>Silently corrected typographical errors and variations in spelling.
-
-    </li>
-    <li>Archaic, non-standard, and uncertain spellings retained as printed.
-
-    </li>
-    <li>Footnotes were re-indexed using numbers and collected together at the end of the 
-    chapter.
-    </li>
-  </ol>
-
-</div>
-
-<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FRONTIER HUMOR IN VERSE, PROSE AND PICTURE ***</div>
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author	nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org>	2025-01-23 08:17:45 -0800
committer	nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org>	2025-01-23 08:17:45 -0800
commit	fbe1176b1a421b7d043aeef3a271080b24df6af3 (patch)
tree	50aab4cfa6ff0f0d7f94bb534ada883bf0b4d4be
parent	77ea59a89656a48e6442f8eaf9069291c903f715 (diff)