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diff --git a/old/64642-0.txt b/old/64642-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 7653ebd..0000000 --- a/old/64642-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,9925 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Frontier Humor in Verse, Prose and Picture, -by Palmer Cox - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Frontier Humor in Verse, Prose and Picture - -Author: Palmer Cox - -Release Date: February 27, 2021 [eBook #64642] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -Produced by: Richard Tonsing, David Edwards, and the Online Distributed - Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was - produced from images generously made available by The Internet - Archive) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FRONTIER HUMOR IN VERSE, PROSE AND -PICTURE *** - - - - - FRONTIER HUMOR - IN - VERSE, PROSE AND PICTURE. - - - BY - PALMER COX, - AUTHOR OF “QUEER PEOPLE,” “THE BROWNIES,” ETC., ETC. - - - ILLUSTRATED. - - - EDGEWOOD PUBLISHING COMPANY. - - - - - Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1889, by - HUBBARD BROS., - In the Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington, D. C. - -[Illustration: COMIC YARNS IN VERSE, PROSE AND PICTURE By PALMER COX -AUTHOR OF QUEER PEOPLE, THE BROWNIES, ETC., ETC.] - - - - - PUBLISHERS’ PREFACE. - - -Not only is truth stranger than fiction, but it is funnier also. Just as -some men have no eye for colors, but are color blind; so some men have -no eye for fun, but are fun blind. Happy is the man who can see the -humor which bubbles up in daily life; doubly happy he who, having seen, -can tell the fun to others and so spread the glad contagion of a laugh; -but thrice happy is the man who, having seen, can tell the fun; and -having told, can picture it for others’ eyes and so roll on the -rollicking humor, for the brightening of a world already far too sad. - -Palmer Cox is one who sees, and tells, and pictures all the fun within -his reach, as this volume of Frontier Humor will certainly attest. - - - - - TABLE OF CONTENTS. - - - PAGE - - AH TIE—THAT DEADLY PIE, 17 - - NEW YEAR’S CALLERS, 21 - - SCENES ON THE SIDEWALK, 26 - - SAM PATTERSON’S BALLOON, 31 - - MY CANINE, 53 - - JIM DUDLEY’S FLIGHT, 56 - - TRIALS OF THE FARMER, 67 - - A CUNNING DODGE 69 - - A TERRIBLE TAKE IN, 73 - - A FAMILY JAR, 78 - - THE ROD OF CORRECTION, 85 - - GONE FROM HIS GAZE, 89 - - ST. PATRICK’S DAY, 91 - - THE CONTENTED FROG, 97 - - ALL FOOLS’ DAY, 103 - - FINDING A HORSE-SHOE, 107 - - AN EVENING WITH SCIENTISTS, 117 - - OUR TABLE GIRL, 120 - - AN OLD WOMAN IN PERIL, 122 - - FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE, 128 - - ODE ON A BUMBLE-BEE, 131 - - DUDLEY AND THE GREASED PIG, 135 - - CORA LEE, 156 - - A BRILLIANT FORENSIC EFFORT, 162 - - VISITING A SCHOOL, 169 - - THE REJECTED SUITOR, 171 - - A NIGHT OF TERROR, 175 - - MY DRIVE TO THE CLIFF, 178 - - SECOND SIGHT, 184 - - THE THIEF, 187 - - A STARTLING CAT-ASTROPHE, 194 - - A TRIP TO THE MOUNTAINS, 196 - - AN IMPATIENT UNDERTAKER, 209 - - SERMON ON A PIN, 218 - - DUDLEY’S FIGHT WITH THE TEXAN, 221 - - ROLLER SKATING, 242 - - A TERRIBLE NOSE, 243 - - A MASKED BATTERY, 249 - - THE PRIZE I DIDN’T WIN, 257 - - THE COUNTRYMAN’S TOOTH, 260 - - MINING STOCKS, 262 - - ODE ON A FLEA, 265 - - FIGHTING IT OUT ON THAT LINE, 268 - - DUDLEY’S FIGHT WITH DR. TWEEZER, 271 - - MY NEIGHBOR WORSTED, 285 - - THE BREATHING SPELL, 289 - - A VISIT TO BENICIA, 290 - - TOO MUCH OF INDIAN, 297 - - GOING UP THE SPOUT, 299 - - THE GLORIOUS FOURTH, 309 - - JIM DUDLEY’S SERMON, 313 - - THE POISONED PET, 337 - - SEEKING FOR A WIFE, 340 - - DAVID GOYLE, THE MILLER MAN, 349 - - HEELS UP AND HEADS DOWN, 360 - - THE BITTER END, 362 - - A TRIP TO THE INTERIOR, 367 - - HUNTING WITH A VENGEANCE, 385 - - THE ART GALLERY, 391 - - A ROLLING STONE, 396 - - RIDING IN THE STREET CARS, 399 - - SIMON RAND, 408 - - THE VALUE OF A COLLAR, 420 - - QUAINT EPITAPHS, 425 - - MISTAKEN IDENTITY, 430 - - FLIRTING, AND WHAT CAME OF IT, 435 - - THE CHAMPION MEAN MAN, 436 - - IN A THOUSAND YEARS, 452 - - THE COBBLER’S END, 454 - - THE LAST OF HIS RACE, 460 - - JIM DUDLEY’S RACE, 462 - - OLEOMARGARINE, 481 - - DINING UNDER DIFFICULTIES, 483 - - ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS, 486 - - COURT-ROOM SCENES, 489 - - THE MASON’S RIDE, 493 - - JUNE, 497 - - THE ANNIVERSARY, 500 - - A COUNTRY TOWN, 503 - - A TRIP ACROSS THE BAY, 507 - - CHRISTMAS EVE, 513 - - - - - LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. - - - PAGE - - Pictorial Title, iii - - A Tight Place, 19 - - Starting Out, 23 - - A Little Mixed, 24 - - The Ex-veteran of Waterloo, 27 - - A Miner who will soon be Minus, 28 - - May and December, 30 - - Sam Patterson, 32 - - Premature Ascent, 37 - - Attempted Abduction of Sam’s Wife, 39 - - “Let Me Git Out,” 41 - - “Go in, Cripple,” 49 - - A Right Angled Try-ankle, 51 - - A Prey to Disease, 54 - - Bob Browser, 57 - - Old Hurley Welcomes Jim, 61 - - Old Hurley on the War Path, 65 - - A Happy Thought, 68 - - Advance of the Cripple Brigade, 71 - - “Pay in Advance, Sir,” 75 - - Emperor Nelson, of San Francisco, 77 - - Stranger Who Went Not In, 79 - - The Stranger Who Went In, 83 - - A Rear Attack, 87 - - Little Dog’s Leather Collar, 90 - - In the Morning, 93 - - In the Evening, 94 - - In Meditation, 98 - - Bob’s Attack, 101 - - Alas! Poor Frog, 102 - - April, 103 - - Sold, 104 - - The Horse-shoe Charm, 109 - - Repairs Needed, 113 - - The President of the Academy, 119 - - The Old Lady’s Ascent, 124 - - The Trying Moment, 129 - - Judge Perkins, 140 - - Bad for the Fruit Business, 143 - - Bow-legged Spinny, 146 - - Nip and Tuck, 151 - - More Light on the Subject, 154 - - The Chief, 158 - - Behind the Bars, 161 - - The Advocate, 163 - - Bill of Divorce, 167 - - Head of his Class, 169 - - Foot of her Class, 170 - - A Suitor Nonsuited, 172 - - A Rousing Event, 176 - - Slightly Embarrassing, 181 - - Badly Mixed, 182 - - The Economist Seeing Double, 186 - - Richard Roe, the Sardine Thief, 189 - - The Judge, 191 - - Neck to Neck, 199 - - Steam let On, 203 - - Blow me Up! 207 - - Business is Business, 213 - - Bill After his Glass Eye, 223 - - The Ministerial Looking Man, 227 - - Startling Disclosures, 234 - - Busting his Bugle, 244 - - The One-eyed Swede, 250 - - Needed Air, 254 - - The Best Shot, 258 - - The Ascent, 263 - - The Descent, 264 - - Going for the Doctor, 274 - - Hands Up and Heads Down, 279 - - Alas! Poor Doctor, 281 - - One of Heenan’s Mementoes, 292 - - A Scientific Opening, 294 - - An Object of Suspicion, 300 - - On a Raid, 304 - - The Glorious Fourth, 309 - - Arousing the Dog, 311 - - The Final Explosion, 312 - - Something New, 314 - - The Doctor’s Scourge, 318 - - Joe Grimsby, 322 - - Truth is Powerful, 328 - - Mr. Spudd, 331 - - The Old Interrogator, 332 - - Having a Quiet Time, 339 - - The Crone, 341 - - Attending to Business, 345 - - Partner Wanted, 347 - - The New Acquaintance, 353 - - A One-sided Operation, 357 - - Lively Work, 364 - - A Mosquito on the Scent, 368 - - To the Hilt in Blood, 371 - - The Orchestra, 374 - - Macbeth, 378 - - Othello, 379 - - A Startling Apparition, 383 - - Advance of the Expedition, 386 - - Boggs Retrieving his Game, 390 - - From a Painting by an Old Master, 392 - - Love’s Young Dream, 394 - - A Through Passenger, 397 - - The Signal Station, 400 - - Rather “Sloroppy,” 403 - - Sniffing the Battle from Afar, 404 - - Alighting Gracefully, 407 - - Revenge is Sweet, 411 - - The Exploring Party, 413 - - “Up he Comes,” 416 - - Unpromising Outlook, 418 - - No Collar, No Crumbs, 422 - - The Sexton, 429 - - The Clergyman in Limbo, 432 - - Sleepy Doby, 440 - - Opening his Heart, 444 - - Swearing to Get Even, 449 - - A Moving Scene, 457 - - Slipping Off the Mortal Coil, 458 - - The Last of his Race, 460 - - Abe Drake, 464 - - Kate Rykert, 466 - - Mrs. O’Laughlan, 472 - - Just as it Was, 473 - - Curing People’s Corns, 478 - - Bummers on the Raid, 484 - - A Drowsy Jury, 490 - - The Rocky Road to Masonry, 495 - - June, 497 - - The Fire Department, 506 - - Peering into the Depths, 508 - - Good-Bye, 509 - - Sketching from Nature, 510 - - So Sick! 511 - - At the Rail, 512 - - - - - AH TIE. - THAT DEADLY PIE. - - -[Illustration] - - I Sing the woe and overthrow - Of one debased and sly, - Who entered soft a baker’s shop, - And stole a currant pie. - - And not a soul about the place, - And no one passing by, - Chanced to detect him in the act, - Or dreamed that he was nigh. - - The moon alone with lustre shone, - And viewed him from the sky, - And broadly smiled, as musing on - The sequel by and by. - - Ah Tie began, while fast he ran, - To gobble down the pie, - Determined that, if caught at last, - No proof should meet the eye. - - For not the fox, for cunning famed, - The crow, or weasel, sly, - Could with that erring man compare— - The heathen thief, Ah Tie. - - But, blessings on the pastry man! - Oh! blessings, rich and high, - Upon the cook who cooked a rag - Within that currant pie! - - Dim was the light, and large the bite - The thief to bolt did try, - And in his haste, along with paste, - He gulped the wiper dry. - - So thus it proves that slight affairs - Do oft, as none deny, - For good or evil, unawares, - Be waiting with reply. - - The influence of every plot, - Or action bold or sly, - Or good or bad, mistake or not, - Will speak, we may rely. - - He strove in vain, with cough and strain. - And finger swallowed nigh, - Or in, or out, to force the clout, - Or turn the thing awry. - - But tight as wadding in a gun, - Or cork in jug of rye, - The choking gag, but half-way down, - Fast in his throat did lie. - -[Illustration: A TIGHT PLACE.] - - Not finger point, or second joint, - Or heaving cough, or pry, - Did seem to change its posture strange, - Or work a passage by. - - The Lord was there, as everywhere— - His ways who can descry? - He turned to use the rag that missed - The cook’s incautious eye. - - The race was short, as it must be - When lungs get no supply - Of ever needful oxygen, - The blood to purify. - - It matters not how large or small - The man, or beast, or fly, - A little air must be their share, - Or else to life “good bye.” - - Slow grew his pace, and black his face, - And blood-shot rolled his eye; - And from his nerveless fingers fell - The fragments of the pie. - - The broken crust rolled in the dust, - While scattered currants fly; - But ah, the fatal part had gone - Upon its mission high. - - Then down he dropped, a strangled man, - Without a witness nigh— - And Death, the grim old boatman, ran - His noiseless shallop by. - - - - - NEW YEAR’S CALLERS. - - -Heigh ho, the New Year is again upon us with its open houses, its “hope -you’re wells,” and its “bye bye’s.” - -Let what will grow dull or rusty, the sweeping scythe of old Time is -ever sharp and busy. How tempered must be that blade which nothing can -dull or turn aside. - -Now as I sit by my window and look pensively out upon the streets I see -them crowded with callers, all anxious to increase the number of their -acquaintances. They ring, scrape, and wait. The door opens and they -disappear from my view, but fancy pictures them out as they doubtless -appear inside, embarrassed because of a painful dearth of words. The -weather, fortunately, is a standing theme of conversation. It will -always bear comment, and but for this how many callers—who perhaps can -hardly come under the head of acquaintances—would wish themselves well -out upon the street again, even before sampling the customary wine and -cake. - -But Fashion is King, and when he nods, his satellites and minions must -obey or perish. But I, who come not under the awe of his scepter, have -few calls to make. With a leaking roof and no bolt to my door I can keep -“open house” without going to the expense of procuring cake or wine, and -for this left-handed blessing may the Lord make me truly thankful. - -[Illustration: STARTING OUT.] - -I have been sitting by my window most of the day, watching gentlemen—who -were not so fortunate as myself. And I notice with considerable pain—for -as reader and writer cannot understand each other too soon, I may as -well inform you at once that I am a philanthropist—that some of these -callers present an aspect in the evening quite different from their -festive morning appearance. Here, for instance, is a sketch of an -exquisite as he appears when starting to make his numerous calls. Mark -what grace is in every movement as he struts the pavement with military -precision, adjusting his lavender-colored kids as he goes. There is -something in the airy set of his stylish new stove-pipe, in the very -easy elegance of manner with which he holds the crystal orb over his -left optic, that bespeaks the born gentleman. Not to a rise in stocks, -he would tell you, or a lucky lottery ticket, does he owe his carriage, -but to a line of ancestors which he can trace back, perhaps, to the very -loins of William the Conqueror. - -[Illustration: A LITTLE MIXED.] - -Look now upon _this_ picture. The unpracticed eye could hardly recognize -the gentleman, and yet this is the same sociable but absent-minded -individual, as he appeared in the evening frogging up the steps of the -dwelling opposite, to make his third call upon the same family. He is -evidently “turned around,” poor fellow. Ah, this mixing of coffee, tea, -and wine, not to mention stronger potations, will play the mischief with -a man, and no mistake about it. The young ladies, with mouths ajar and -dilated eyes, look out upon him through partially closed blinds. But he -recks not of it as he leans backward, pulling and jerking at the bell -knob as though he was drawing on a tight boot. The bell-hanger will -doubtless have a job in that house to-morrow. The question naturally -arises, will they chalk the gentleman down as a caller each time he -favors them with his presence? Now that I think of it, they might do so -with an easy conscience, for he is certainly not the man he was when he -first offered the compliments of the day. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - - SCENES ON THE SIDEWALK. - - - I sit at my window to view the odd sights, - And whatever to study or action invites - Upon the white paper before me I spread, - By aid of my constant companion, the Lead. - - A lady of Fashion sails by like a queen, - With ruffles and lace, and her _satin de chine_; - Her shimmering train as it now sweeps the street, - Is sadly ensnaring a gentleman’s feet. - It is painfully plain an apology’s due; - But which should apologize first of the two? - -[Illustration: THE EX-VETERAN OF WATERLOO.] - - And next, an old man full of years shuffles by, - His nose to the dust, and his back to the sky; - The few snowy hairs that still cling to his head - Far down o’er his collar untidily spread. - And who now would think that the feeble, dry hand - That hardly can free the rude cane from the sand, - Once swung a long saber, that cut its way through - The cuirassiers’ helmets at famed Waterloo? - Old Time warps the figure firm-knitted and square, - He sharpens the feature, he blanches the hair, - And bows the proud head, be it ever so high; - This much hath he done for the man passing by. - -[Illustration: A MINER WHO WILL SOON BE MINUS.] - - Away, to the fields of the diamond and ruby, - The miner sets out, like a consummate booby; - What loads the poor fellow proposes to pack: - His rifle, his shovel, his grub, and his sack; - His rifle to guard against numerous ills, - His shovel to shovel his way to the hills, - The long leather sack he bears in his hand, - To hold the bright gems he may pick from the sand; - In fancy I see him ascend the steep hill, - Or traverse the plain with his sack empty still; - While down on his head ever scorching-hot rays - Descend from th’ unclouded sun like a blaze,— - Too far from his friends, and too nigh to his foes, - Who welcome the stranger with arrows and bows, - And rifles, and war-clubs, and hatchets of stone, - And weapons for scalping, and lances of bone. - Trudge on to your treasure (?), poor dupe of the knave - And prey of the savage—pass on to your grave. - - Now stepping as one, see the new-married pair - Emerge from the church. What a contrast is there! - Come haste to the window and gaze out with me— - Ere they enter their carriage the pair you may see. - Oh, May and December! extremes of the year, - When linked thus together, how odd they appear; - The bride in her teens, with a mind as unstable - As ladders of fame, or a medium’s table; - With a riotous pulse, and her blood all aglow - With the fervor of passion, of pleasure, and show. - The bridegroom is pussy, rheumatic and old, - His teeth are in rubber, his blood thin and cold; - His nose tells a tale of inordinate drams, - The gout has laid hold of his corn-laden yams; - The hairs on his cranium scattering stand, - Like ill-nourished blades on a desert of sand. - - I muse as I gaze on their arms softly twined; - How soon some young maidens can alter their mind! - ’Tis scarcely three weeks since I heard her declare, - When speaking of him who now walks by her there, - In marriage she never would give him her hand - Though rolling in gems, like a horse in the sand. - But she clings to him now, as a green, sappy vine - -[Illustration: MAY AND DECEMBER.] - - Embraces the trunk of a time-honored pine; - While her looks and her manner would seem to imply - That she never before on a man cast an eye; - But I, delving back through the layers of Time, - Exhume the pale ghost of a youth in his prime, - Whose feelings were tortured, whose reason was muddied, - Whose pistol was emptied, whose temple was ruddied; - Because of coquetry so heartless and strange, - Her passion for diamonds, her longing for change. - - Pass on, happy bride, with your beaming young face; - May happiness still with your moments keep pace, - And never mistrust pierce the groom at your side - That wealth, and not virtues, have won him his bride. - - - - - SAM PATTERSON’S BALLOON. - - -Last night while a party of us were sitting around the table in the -cabin of the _New World_, talking about the “Avitor” and aerial sailing -generally, our conversation was interrupted by a dark, raw-boned Hoosier -who had entered the cabin shortly after the steamer left her wharf. He -kept squirming on his chair for some time, and was evidently anxious to -take part in the conversation. “I say, boys, I’m Sam Patterson,” he -commenced at last, “and if this yer dish is free and no one han’t no -objections, I’d like mi’ty well to dip _my_ spoon in.” - -[Illustration: SAM PATTERSON.] - -All turned to look at the speaker. Even the fat old gentleman who during -our conversation had not taken his eyes from the _Christian Guardian_ he -was reading, stretched up and peered over the top of the paper at Sam. -Before any one could reply the Hoosier gave his chair a hitch nigher the -table and went on: - -“I say, boss,” he continued, addressing his conversation to me, perhaps -because I had just been expressing my opinion, “I don’t go a picayune on -navigatin’ the air. They ain’t no need of talkin’ and gassin’ about -crossin’ the ’tlantic or any of them foolish ventur’s. I happen to know -somethin’ about balloonin’, and understand pooty near what you _can_ do -and what you _can’t_ do with one of them fellers. I’d a plag’y sight -ruther undertake to cross the ocean in a dug-out, than ventur’ in one of -them tricky cobwebs; you can’t depend on ’em. Thar like a flea—when a -man thinks he’s got ’em he hain’t.” - -“Perhaps you are misled by prejudice?” I ventured to remark. - -“No, I ain’t nuther,” answered the Hoosier, “I speak from experience. -I’ve bin thar.” - -“Oh! you have given the aeronautic science some attention then?” I said. -“An inventor, I presume?” - -“Wal, no. I don’t exactly claim to be an inventor,” he replied; “I -reckon I foller’d on the old plan, exceptin’ in the material used in -constructin’.” - -“Did you ever make an ascension?” I asked. - -“Wal, yes, I’ve bin up _some_,” he answered dryly. - -“Have you ever been very high?” inquired the fat old gentleman, who -seemed to grow interested. - -“Perhaps not so high as eagles or turkey-buzzards fly, but a mi’ty sight -higher than barn-yard fowls ventur’,” answered the Hoosier. “You see,” -he continued, “I was stayin’ down to Orleans once for about a week, and -thar was a professor had a balloon in the park hitched to a stake, and -he was histin’ people up the length of the rope for two bits a head. I -stepped into the cradle that was a hangin’ to it, and went up the length -of the rope, and liked it pooty well. I went up three or four times and -made considerable inquiries about the manner of constructin’ and -inflatin’, as I was cal’latin to rig up one when I got hum to -Tuckersville. - -“When I got back I telled Sal what I was bent on doin’. She tried pooty -hard to git the notion out of my head, but t’was stuck thar, like a bur -to a cow’s tail. I telled her it mout be the makin’ of us, so arter a -while she gin in, and as silk was too alfired expensive Sal gin me a lot -of bed sheets and helped me sew ’em together down in the cellar. We put -it together down thar ’cause I didn’t want any of the neighbors to know -what was up, until I could astonish ’em some fine mornin’ by risin’ -above the hull caboodle, and for wunst lookin’ down on some on ’em that -was snuffin’ around and tryin’ to look down on me mi’ty bad. - -“I used a rousin’ great corn basket for the cradle, and arter she was -all ready for inflatin’ I had my life insured, ’cause I didn’t want Sal -to suffer by any of my ventur’s. Then I went to Sol Spence, the lawyer, -and had him draw up the writin’s of a will, and while he was doin’ it he -worked the balloon secret out of me, and wanted me to take him along. I -telled him ’twas pooty risky business, and that he’d hev to run some -chances, as I was cal’latin’ on seein’ what clouds war made of before I -came down. He said them war his sentiments exactly; that he allers had a -great hankerin’ to git up thar and see what sort of a spongy thing they -war, anyhow. - -“I didn’t object much; I reckoned the sheets war good for it, though he -went over two hundred, but I cal’lated he’d do instead of ballast, and -be company besides. So I took some bed cord and slung another corn -basket below the one I was gwine in, and after dark we hauled the great -floppy thing out into the back yard, and arter we got it histed up on -stakes we commenced buildin’ fires under her to git the gas up and -gittin’ things ready ginnerally. About sun-up we had her all ready to -step into. Spence had his sketch book along, cal’latin’ on taking some -bird’s-eye views, and I had a bottle of tea, cal’latin’ to empty it -gwine up, and fill it with rain water while up thar. The thing was -a-wallopin’ and rollin’ around the yard mi’ty impatient to git off. I -hitched her first to the grindstone frame, but she was snakin’ that -around the yard, and the dogs commenced sech an all-fired yelpin’ and -scuddin’ round and watchin’ of it through the fence, that we were -obliged to put ’em in the cellar, ’cause we didn’t want the hull -neighborhood attractid by ther barkin’. Then we fastened the balloon to -the shed post, and left Sal to watch her while we war eatin’ a snack of -breakfast. Pooty soon arter we heard Sal a-shoutin’ that she was a-gwine -off with the wood-shed. So we ran out mi’ty lively, and had no time to -spare, nuther. I jumped up and caught one rope, and Spence got hold of -another. We couldn’t fetch it down till Sal caught hold of my leg, and -between us three we pulled it back agin. - -[Illustration] - -“She gin a sort of puff and come down pooty sudden when near the ground, -and one of the posts of the shed came fair onto the back of a leetle pet -hog that was rootin’ round the yard, and knuckled his back down into the -chips, leavin’ his head and hinder parts stickin’ up. He commenced sich -an uproarious squealin’ you could hear him more’n two miles. While -Spence and I were fussin’ at the ropes to unloose her from the shed, she -took another sudden start up agin and shot away from us quicker than -scat. Sal happened to have hold of a rope at the time, and up she went -into the air, scootin’ like a rocket. Sal was a plucky critter. Shoot -me, if she wasn’t as full of grit as a sandstone. She could have let go -that rope, but she wouldn’t; she wanted to fetch the consarn down agin, -and was bound to cling to her until she did. Blow me, if I didn’t think -for a while I was goin’ to lose the old woman. Thar she was a-hangin’ on -to the end of the rope, hollerin’ like a hull regiment chargin’ a -battery, and trailin’ and swingin’ about without any notion of lettin’ -go. - -[Illustration: ATTEMPTED ABDUCTION OF SAM’S WIFE.] - -“We had a lively time of it gettin’ her down agin too, now I can tell -you. I jumped over a fence into the garden, and snatchin’ up a rake -commenced to scrape at her, and finally the teeth caught in her dress, -and then I had a pooty good hold so long as Sal was good for it. Spence -got hold of another rope that was danglin’ around, so between us we got -her down the second time. Then I sung out to Spence, ‘Spence,’ ses I, -‘climb into yer basket and let’s be off, or the hull town will be here -and stop us gwine.’ So we clim’ into our baskets and flung out Sal’s -flatirons, that we had for ballast, and up we shot like a spark up a -chimney. I hollered back to Sal to put the hog out of pain and stop the -squeakin’, and the last I seed of her as we went round the gable, she -was a whackin’ him over the head with the back of an ax, and he was a -hollerin’ wuss and wuss. - -“The wind took the balloon over a swamp back of the village, where no -person seemed to see us, and then the world began to drop away pooty -nicely. ’Twant long till I heered Spence callin’ out, mi’ty skeered -like:— - -[Illustration: “LET ME GIT OUT!”] - -“‘I guess, Sam, you mout as well land her and let me git out.’ - -“‘Are you afeered, Spence?’ ses I, jest that way. - -“‘No,’ he answered. ‘I arn’t afeered, but I reckon my fam’ly would be -mi’ty uneasy about this time if they knowed whar I was, and I begin to -feel pooty sowlicitous about ’em.’ - -“‘This yer thing is somethin’ like law,’ I ses, ‘when yer’ into her -you’ve got to keep goin’ till somethin’ gins out. She hasn’t got a rope -a holdin’ of her down now, Spence, and as for yer’ fam’ly, I reckon -the’re a mi’ty sight safer than you be, so if you have any spare -sowlicitude, you had better be a tuckin’ it onto yourself. ‘Sides,’ I -contin’ed, ‘I hain’t studied into the lettin’ down part of it half so -much as into the rizin’.’ - -“‘Jerusalem!’ he shouted. ‘I thought you war famil’ar with the hull -thing or I’d have as soon thought of gwine up in a whirlwind.’ - -“‘I fancy I do know considerable about it,’ I ses. - -“‘Then why can’t you stop her right here?’ he hollered, lookin’ up, -pooty pale. - -“‘I cal’late we’ve got to keep ascendin’ while the gas holds out,’ I -answered. - -“‘Thunder and lightnin’!’ he hollered, jest that way, ‘and what are you -agwine to do arter the gas gins out?’ - -“‘I reckon,’ ses I, ‘we’ll come down agin.’ - -“‘A flukin’?’ he asked. - -“‘Perhaps so,’ ses I. ‘I cal’late we’ll come down faster than we’re -gwine up, but I’m hopin’ to catch an undercurrent of a’r that will sweep -us along, and let us down sort of gently.’ - -“Just as we war talkin’ somethin’ gin a whoppin’ crack overhead, and she -began to drop down by the run pooty lively. - -“‘What’s that?’ shouted Spence. ‘I think I hear a sort of tearin’ noise -up thar; ain’t somethin’ ginnin’ out?’ - -“‘I reckon the old woman’s sheets have commenced to gin out,’ I said, -kind of careless like, though beginnin’ to feel mi’ty narvous all to -wunst. On lookin’ down, I seed Spence was a cranin’ out of the basket -and lookin’ down, jest as pale as could be. - -“‘Sufferin’ pilgrims!’ he shouted. ‘Can’t you throw out somethin’, Sam, -and lighten her a leetle? She’s droppin’ straight down, like an -aerolite.’ - -“‘I hain’t got anythin’ to throw out exceptin’ the tea bottle, and that -ar’ is e’enmost empty,’ I ses. ‘I cal’late we’ve got to take our -chances; if you hain’t forgot yer childhood prayers, you mout as well be -a runnin’ of ’em over, for things are beginnin’ to look mi’ty skeery -jest now, I can tell ye.’ - -“Pooty soon I heer’d him a mumblin’ to himself, and I allers allowed he -was prayin.’ - -“We war now about steeple high, and as I had expected, the wind caught -us and began to sweep us around pooty loose. As we went wallopin’ over -St. Patrick’s church, Spence’s basket struck the spire and was a -spillin’ of him out like a lobster out of a market basket. I peered over -and seed he was e’enmost gone, so I hollered, ‘Go for the spire, Spence, -it’s your only chance.’ He seemed to be of the same mind, for as I spoke -he was a grabbin’ for it and managed to git hold of one end of the -weather-vane. I reckon if he had got hold on both ends he’d ha’ bin all -right; but things war gettin’ desperate and he had to take what come. -The balloon riz some when he fell out, and as it was a movin’ off I -looked back to see how he was a makin’ it. He was a hangin’ thar like a -gymnast, a kickin’ and a wormin’ and the steeple a rockin’. But he was -too awful heavy; he couldn’t draw himself up nohow. Pooty soon the tail -of the fish gin out, and down he slid along the steeple like a shot coon -down a ’simmon tree. - -“Fortunately he struck the roof and over it he rolled, clawin’ and a -scratchin’ the shingles as he went. But it was ‘all go and no whoa,’ as -the boy said when he was a slidin’ the greased banister. Old Father -McGillop was just comin’ out of the vestry door after matins as Spence -come a scootin’ over the eaves and down kerflumix right on top of him. -This, ye see, sort of broke the fall for Spence, but it spread the -distress. He was so heavy and come with such force he disjinted the neck -of his Riverence, and shoved it so far down into the body that his ears -were restin’ on the shoulders. They had to git a shovel to dig him out -of the ground, and Doc Willoughby was a fussin’ over him more than five -hours, a yankin’ his neck out of his body, and pressin’ his ears into -shape, and”—— - -“Stop now,” said the fat old chap, who was worked up to the top notch of -attention, “do you mean to say he lived after his neck was dislocated?” - -“Wal, I reckon, boss,” said the narrator, as he took a fresh quid of -tobacco, “I hain’t made no sech unreasonable assertion. I was sayin’ -they hauled his neck back, and put his ears in place agin (or ruther one -of ’em, for the butcher’s dog eat t’other one before the old sexton -could git to it), so that he mout make somethin’ like a decent -appearance in the coffin. - -“Soon as Spence went over the eave I lost sight of him, for I was -drivin’ pooty briskly over Kent’s corn patch, and as I came sweepin’ -down by the widder O’Donnell’s she was in the yard gittin’ an apron full -of chips. I reckon she heer’d a burrin’ sound overhead, ’cause she -looked up, and when she seed the balloon she gin a squall and cried out -somethin’ about protection. I reckoned she was callin’ on the saints, -but had no time just then to listen. Before she had gone many steps she -dropped, and I allowed she had gone down in a faintin’ fit. - -“I was a drivin’ and a driftin’ over the village like a thistle-down, -for more than two hours, and the dogs war a barkin’ and the men and -wimmin a hollerin’ and a runnin’ arter it wherever it drifted. The -barn-yard fowls war a cacklin’ and a screamin’. Jewillikens! didn’t I -make a rumption among them though! You’d think thar war forty thousand -hawks and turkey-buzzards a hoverin’ over the village, by the way they -scattered, aginst the winders, ahind stun walls, into the wells, under -lumber piles and currint bushes; such a scrougin’ and squattin’ and -scootin’ I never did see. Parson Jones had thirteen lights of glass -smashed by fowls batterin’ aginst the winders tryin’ to git in, and Dud -Davis, the blacksmith, fished seven dead hens, two turkeys, a guinea -fowl, and two small pigs out of his well next day, whar they sought -refuge and war drown’d. Dad Kent gin me six traces of good seed corn -next fall. He said barrin’ the killin’ of Priest McGillop, it was the -best thing that ever happened in Tuckersville. He said I did more for -his crop than if he had a scarecrow standin’ astride every hill. Thar -wasn’t a crow flew within two miles of the village for mor’n a -fortnight, and by that time the corn was grown so they couldn’t pull it -up. - -“Pooty soon the balloon come down about house high and druv over toward -the dee-pot. I was a hopin’ she’d catch on the telegraph wire, but she -skimm’d over, like a swallow over a fence, and immediately riz up tree -high agin, where scrape, slap, slash, she went into an ole pine that -stood out alone in the field. I was scratched pooty bad, but hung on to -the limbs, and arter a while slid down the tree leavin’ the balloon -hangin’ in the tree-top. Great turnips! if all Tuckersville wasn’t down -thar in five minutes. Thar war young ‘uns runnin’ around half-dressed, -with corn-dodgers in their hands, and wimmin with babies in their arms. -It was like a dog fight, only, as the feller said when describin’ the -nigger by the mulatter, it was more so. - -[Illustration: “GO IN, CRIPPLE.”] - -“The train was delayed half an hour that mornin’, ’cause the engineer, -conductor and all hands jumped off the cars and ran down to the balloon. -Peg-leg Dibbly, the Mexican war veteran, was thar, hobblin’ around among -the rest. He was in such a hurry to git down to the tree he wouldn’t go -around by the road, but started in to take a short cut across the marsh -with the crowd. And he had a sweet, sweatin’ time of it too, now I can -assure you. First his cane would stick, and just about the time he would -git that out, down would slide his iron-shod leg fully a foot into the -mud, and stake him thar like a scarecrow. Then he would look down to -where the people were standin’, and jerk and swear until the want of -breath only would make him let up. He got down thar after a while -though, but he had to crawl considerable before he could do it; and -arter he got thar he was bobbin’ here and bobbin’ thar, tryin’ to git a -better look up into the tree, until at last he stumbled and fell across -one of Dud Davis’ young ‘uns, and gin her left leg a compound fractur’. -She set up a screamin’, and he was so weak and frightened he couldn’t -git up agin no how, but lay thar gruntin’, and sprawlin’, and kickin’ -his one leg around. The blacksmith was thar himself, and when he seed -his young ’un down in the mud with her leg broke, you never seed a man -so mad in all your born days. He jest ran and grabbed the old pensioner -by the coat collar, and slung him mor’n fifteen feet, landin’ him -slidin’ on his back in the mud, like a crawfish. - -[Illustration: A RIGHT ANGLED TRY-ANKLE.] - -“About the same time Tubbs, the cooper, was a lookin’ up, and he seed a -bough springin’ up, and he allowed the balloon was comin’ down; so he -started to run, and stepped on the foot of Kent’s snappin’ bull-dog, -that was a settin’ thar lookin’ up the tree, thinkin’ thar must be a -coon up it. The cur whirled round mad, and set his teeth into the -nighest thing to him, which happened to be old Polly Alien’s ankle. But -he got more than he bargained for, though, for she was so tuff that his -teeth stuck thar, and she was a screamin’ and a runnin’ hum, draggin’ -him arter her mor’n half the way. I never did see sich an excitin’ time. -School was dismissed, and there wasn’t a lick of work done in -Tuckersville the hul day. The hul talk was ‘Sam Patterson’s balloon, Sam -Patterson’s balloon.’ I didn’t have to pay a picayune for anything for -mor’n three weeks. Parson Jones preached a tellin’ sermon about the -balloon, and thar wasn’t standin’ room in the church; they had to keep -the windows open and let people standin’ on the outside stick their -heads in and listen. He likened it first to youth, when it was a rollin’ -around in the back yard, whar nobody seed it, impatient and ambitious to -rise. Then like unto manhood, when it was up, a bustin’ and droppin’ -down agin. Next he said it resembled old age, when it was in rags a -floppin’ around in the tree, more for observation than use. Thar wasn’t -hardly a dry eye in the hul meetin’ house. Hard-hearted old sinners -cried like teethin’ babies. - -“The balloon hung in the tree all summer, and every day thar’d be a -crowd of people starin’ at it, like cats at a bird cage. A photographer -came the hul way from town, and took lots of views of the remains; and -one of Frank Leslie’s special artists come rattlin’ down thar, and sot -on a stun wall for two days drawin’ sketches of it. He said it was the -most spirited subject he had sot eyes on since he sketched the -hoop-skirt Jeff Davis was captured in. But I’m gettin’ ruther dry. Ain’t -some of you fellers agwine to call on the stimilints?” - - - - - MY CANINE. - - “If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.” - _Shakespeare._ - - - Some fond poets sing of their lady-love’s eyes, - Or lovers who sail the seas over; - But poet-like I shall gaze up at the skies, - And muse of my little dog Rover. - - The canine I sing, to disease is a prey; - The mange, the distemper, and flea, - Have all had their turn, and have worn him away; - His shadow you scarcely can see. - - From earliest light, until late in the night, - He’s dodging hot water and sticks; - I’m shamed to confess it, but truth I must write, - He’s a foot-ball that every one kicks. - - I hear his thin cry, and his frightened “ki-yi,” - Almost any hour of the day; - And Bridget’s “Bad ’cess to the likes of your Skye, - Sure he’s here, and he’s there like a flay.” - -[Illustration] - - Upon his poor body the hair has all died, - ’Tis smooth and as bare as your hand; - I vow I believe there’s no life in his hide, - It looks just as if it were tanned. - - His blood is so thin that he never is warm, - And keenly he feels the cold weather; - He shivering stands with tail end to the storm, - And his four feet all huddled together. - - He suffers sad woe, as his body doth show, - His face bears a hopeless expression; - He seems to be wondering why he’s a foe, - Who never commits a transgression. - - He’s only a dog in the dark to be sure, - But I who am mourning his plight, - Know accident often exalts the low boor, - And crowds merit down out of sight. - - How oft do we see the chief dunce of the town, - With head like a turnip or melon, - Advanced to the Bench, or clergyman’s gown, - Though thought to be born for a felon. - - Dost laugh at my song? Well I care not a pin, - My notion I never shall lose; - I know that my dog hath a spirit within, - That cannot be crushed by abuse. - -[Illustration] - - - - - JIM DUDLEY’S FLIGHT. - - -That blabbing Hoosier, Bob Browser, has found me out, and paid me a -call, boring me with his confounded stories. Even as a hungry parrot -when crackers are in view, or as a miller’s hopper when water is high -and the farmer’s meal bags low, he rattles right along with copious -discourse. - -“What’s that you say! Did you know Jim Dudley? What! him as the boys in -Gosport used to call Carrot Top Jim? Wal, I’ll be rattled if that ain’t -queer. Wasn’t he the allfiredest shirk you ever did see? Perhaps you -remember how sudden he left Gosport jest before the war? Oh, that’s so, -sure enough, you went north sometime afore that. - -[Illustration: BOB BROWSER.] - -“Wal, that chap was etarnally gettin’ in some scrape or another; I do -jest think I’ve helped that Jim out of more close corners than there are -buildin’s in this yer town. Yer see him and me was great chums, and -roomed at the same house on York Street. Jim was a courtin’ a butcher’s -darter that lived out near the cem’t’ry for ‘bout a year afore he left, -leastwise he was a totin’ of her around considerable, takin’ her to -picnics, circuses, hoss races, and the like. I kind of had my doubts -about him gettin’ married, ’cause he was a pooty sot ole batch’, and -sometimes I’d ask him when the nuptils were a comin’ off; but he’d -allers shuffle out of it by sayin’ when they did come I’d git an invite, -and kind of larf it off jest that way. - -“One night pooty soon arter I had got into bed I heered some one -thumpin’ at my door, and afore I had time to say anythin’ Jim Dudley was -plum across the room and standin’ by the bedside. - -“‘Bob,’ ses he, jest that way, ‘we’ve got to part agin’ and I’ve come to -gin your paw a shake afore I leave.’ - -“‘What’s up now, Jim?’ ses I, pooty surprised and settin’ up amazin’ -fast in bed to strike a light, ’cause I allers liked Jim. Drat my -pictur, if I didn’t. He stuck to me like a hoss-leech when I was down -with the yaller fever. I was peeled down so mi’ty thin that I didn’t -make a shadder only arter I’d been eatin’ corn-dodgers or somethin’ that -wasn’t transparent. Soon as I got a light I seed his face was tombstun -white exceptin’ some long red scratches onto it, that made me think thar -had been cats a-clawin’ of him. - -“‘I haint time to gin perticulars now, but water’s gettin’ too plaguey -shaller for me in Gosport,’ ses he, jest that way. ‘And I’m gwine to -pull out for deeper soundin’s. I want to head off the night express, and -as I’ve got only fifteen minutes to do it in, must be a movin’,’ and -givin’ my hand a rattlin’ shake he turned, and before I could say -‘scat,’ he was goin’ down the stairs like a bucket fallin’ down a well, -and I thought he hadn’t more than got to the middle of the flight when I -heer’d the door slam behind him. - -“I lay awake thar for hours thinkin’ and wonderin’ what on airth could -have turned up to make Jim dust out of town so all-fired sudden, bein’ -as how he was doin’ pooty well pecun’ar’ly—that is, for _him_. - -“I kind of mistrusted somethin’ had gone wrong with him out to old -Hurley’s—the butcher’s. So the next day, bein’ kind of curious, I took a -stroll out that way, to look around a leetle and see what was goin’ on. -I seed a glaz’er a fussin’ round a winder, and old Hurley sittin’ on the -steps lookin’ mi’ty solemn at a hat—which I knowed was Jim’s—that was -a-hangin’ on a bush in the garden. - -“Some months arter this the war was a bilin’ and I jined a company and -went down to Cairo to go into camp. By jingo! would you believe it? -almost the first man I ran ag’in’ was Jim Dudley! He’d enlisted in a -hoss regiment up to St. Louis, and come down to camp a few days afore -me. We were both mi’ty tickled to meet one another right thar, so we -p’inted for a place where we could have a straight-out chat, and while -we were sittin’ thar, talkin’ about old times, ses I to him:— - -“‘Jim, now we’re a gwine down into this blamed muss, and the chances are -pooty good for us to git chawed up down thar, and nothin’ more to be -heer’d about us—now s’posin’ you tell a feller what made you pull up -stakes and dust from Gosport so amazin’ fast, last Fall.’ - -“‘Wal, Bob,’ ses he, ‘seein’ we’ve met agin, I don’t mind if I do -‘lighten you a leetle in regard to my leavin’ so sudden. You remember -I’d bin over to Franklin some time afore I left, and jest got back to -Gosport that day, and in the evenin’ I started out to see Mag. I was a -hopin’ the old man wouldn’t be to hum—he ginerally was away Saturday -nights. - -[Illustration: OLD HURLEY WELCOMES JIM.] - -“‘’Twas dark afore I got there, leastwise the bats were a flitterin’ -aroun’ the gables and apple trees, a-lookin’ for thar suppers. I gin the -bell-knob a jerk anyhow, and pooty soon old Hurley hisself came to the -door, with a candle in his hand. He was in his shirt-sleeves, and I -reckon he had jest come hum from work. He kind of gin a start, as though -he was surprised to see me; and I gin a start, too, and jumped back from -the door pooty quick, for I thought I heer’d him grit his teeth a -leetle—somethin’ like a sheep arter she’s bin eatin’ beans—but I wasn’t -sartain. - -“‘Come in, M-i-s-t-e-r Dudley,’ ses he, kind of low and coaxin’ like. ‘I -hope you’ve bin enjoyin’ good health. I hope you’ve come prepared to -stop with us awhile.’ - -“Thankin’ him for his kind wishes, I follered him along, wonderin’ what -in time made him so amazin’ solicitous for my health all to wunst, -’cause I knowed the old man hated me worse than a rat does pizen. - -“He didn’t stop in the parlor where some folks were sittin’, but kept on -into a small room, beck’nin’ me to foller, which I did, though I was -beginnin’ to feel pooty suspicious about the old feller’s movements. - -“‘Stay here a minute, Mr. Dudley,’ ses he, arter I had sot down. ‘Make -yourself comfortable until I come back agin,’ he continued, jest that -way, and then he stepped out. - -“I tell you, I begun to feel wonderful fidgity and kind of prickly down -along the spine; and when I heer’d the old man comin’ back, and heer’d -his feet slappin’ down heavier and faster than when he went out, then I -knowed thar’ was trouble ahead. I could feel a distressin’ presentiment -jest a-bubblin’ through my veins, and limberin’ up all my jints. - -“Pooty soon the old man came in, a-holdin’ his left hand in front of him -doubled up tight as though for boxin’, and keepin’ his right hand ahind -him, kind of careless like, as though ’twas there by accident. I knowed -’twas no nat’ral position, and kept peerin’ round, for I ’spected he had -a cow-hide, and was calculatin’ to gin me a sound tannin’; but when he -went to shet the door ahind him, I got a glimpse of the alfiredest great -butcher’s cleaver you ever yet sot eyes on, a-shinin’ jest as bright as -could be. Jerusalem! if that bone-splitter didn’t make me begin to feel -tarnation uneasy, then thar’s no use sayin’ it. My heart flopped up so -far into my throat it actewelly seemed as though I could taste it. - -“‘I’ve got very pressin’ business down town, and guess I’d better be -a-movin,’ ses I, rizin’ up. - -“‘S-i-t d-o-w-n,’ ses he, easy, that way, as though he wasn’t disturbed -any, though I seed he was awful pale. ‘Don’t be in a hurry,’ he went on, -keepin’ his back flat against the door the whole time. ‘You’ve been -pokin’ around here ‘bout long enuff,’ said he, ‘and I think it time you -’tended to bisness. - -“‘I’ve sent for Father Quinn,’ he contin’ed, ‘cal’latin’ to hev you -jined to the family rite off, afore you leave the house,’ and he gin the -cleaver a sweepin’ flourish; but while he was a-doin’ it he sort of took -his eyes away from me, and before he could say ‘scat,’ I jest shet my -eyes tight, and made one detarmined lunge for the winder, head fust, -like a sheep through a clump of briars, and went a-crashin’ plum out on -all fours into the gardin, takin’ the hull lower sash along with me. - -[Illustration: OLD HURLEY ON THE WAR PATH.] - -“The old man gin one rattlin’ shout like a wounded gorrillar, when he -seed me go. I knowed he’d be arter me mi’ty quick, so I broke through -the gardin for the toll-road, the blarsted ole sash a-hangin’ around my -neck like a hog-yoke, catchin’ on everythin’ as I ran. I hadn’t more’n -struck the road and begun to dust along it, when I heered the old man -comin’, a-snortin’ an’ a spatterin’, down the turnpike ahind me. I -‘lowed he’d overhaul me if I kept right on, ’cause I hadn’t got the sash -off yet, and the blamed thing was jest ginnin’ my neck jess; so -flouncin’ aside pooty sudden, I flopped down ahind a sassafras bush, and -I hadn’t more’n got thar nuther when old Hurley went a-rackin’ and a -rearin’ past, the bloodthirsty great meat-ax a-gleamin’ in his hand. He -reckoned I was still ahead, so he went a-flukin’ down the road, clearin’ -the toll-bar at one bounce, without so much as dustin’ it, and keepin’ -right on for Gosport. Thunder! didn’t I tear off the ruins of that -winder mity fast, though? Then I clim’ the fence, and took across lots -through Hiram Nye’s corn patch, and down by Blake’s orchard, comin’ into -town by the lower road. I think more’n likely old Hurley kept a-goin’ it -plum to Gosport before he mistrusted that I dodged him; and I do jest -think if he had got hold on me—a-bilin’ as he was—he wouldn’t have left -a piece of me together large enough to bait a mink trap. Wasn’t that an -all-fired close dodge, though? I reckon you’ll not see me in Gosport -agin, leastways not while old Hurley’s a-livin’. I’ve no notion o’ -gettin’ married in no such haste as that. Thar’s the bugle callin’ to -muster—let’s hurry up and go.” - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - - TRIALS OF THE FARMER. - - - I want to be a farmer - And with the farmers stand— - A whetstone in my pocket, - A blister on my hand. - - I sing to be a farmer, - Without the right of way - Across my neighbor’s lot to drive - My ox-cart or my sleigh. - - I long to be a farmer - And own a breachy mare, - That oft will leap the bound’ry line, - And make my neighbors swear. - - I pine to be a farmer - And own a kicking steer, - That I may feel his horny heel - Whenever I draw near. - - I sigh to be a farmer - And plant my field of corn, - That crows may flock and pull it up - Before the streak of morn. - - I shout to be a farmer: - How much I would adore - To drive a big and stubborn pig - Some five miles or more. - -[Illustration] - - - - - A CUNNING DODGE. - - -There was a certain citizen of this place, a butcher by occupation, who, -deeming the remuneration he received small in comparison to the amount -of service done, resolved to discontinue butchering cattle and become a -butcher of men, or in other words to assume the responsibilities of a -practicing physician and surgeon. It seems in his travels he had -collected quite a number of receipts and prescriptions from old almanacs -and doctors’ books. - -With this limited stock of medical knowledge, and an unusually large -amount of “cheek,” he thought to work himself into a lucrative business. -As an invoice of smallpox was expected by every steamer, he imagined he -might pass among other professionals as though his scientific -acquirements were excelled by none, and his vocabulary of Latin names -surpassed “Doctor Hornbook’s.” - -Hiring an office in a central locality, he hoisted a board reaching -nearly across the building, on which his name and calling were made -known in large characters. Then sitting down amidst a “beggarly account -of empty bottles,” he patiently awaited the result. Whether the city had -suddenly become remarkably healthy through the sanitary exertions of the -health commissioners, or he had not his proportionate share of the -medical practice in requisition, he knew not, but certain it was, that -from morn to noon, from noon to dewy eve he sat in his room— - - “As idle as a painted ship - Upon a painted ocean.” - -One day, however, while straying along North Beach, musing on the -strange vicissitudes in human affairs, and thinking how “weary, stale, -flat and unprofitable” were all the uses of this world, a happy idea -presented itself. In the vicinity of the County Hospital he had noticed -the invalids coming out to sun themselves, like seals, along the Beach. -What a glorious attraction to custom they would be, congregated around -his door! Entering into conversation with some of them, he soon struck a -bargain with thirty or more. They were to visit his office once a day, -those who could walk there without much trouble or pain receiving fifty -cents per day, while those who traveled under greater difficulties were -to be paid accordingly. So, every morning, after breakfast, they took up -their line of march in twos and threes along the street toward the -charlatan’s place of business. They were indeed a motley crowd—that -cripple brigade—as they hobbled through the thoroughfare. - -[Illustration: ADVANCE OF THE CRIPPLE BRIGADE.] - -There came the maimed, the halt, the withered, and the blind, shuffling -into his office thicker than diseased Jews to the troubled pool of -Bethesda. If any stranger chanced to drop in for medical treatment, the -crowd of hired specimens began at once to converse among themselves of -the wonderful skill of the physician. One remarked how his sight had -improved under treatment, how he could see two objects now where he used -to see but one. Another related in glowing terms the ravenous appetite -the doctor’s bitters had awakened in his system; through all the hours -of the day he was now as hungry as a whirlpool. A third would eulogize -his method of treating contagious diseases in general. - -In this way the real patient, though receiving no actual benefit from -the watery potions administered, was retained in hopes of an ultimate -cure. At length the curiosity of the resident physician of the Hospital -was aroused. He couldn’t imagine where his patients filed away to every -morning, as regularly as liberated geese to some well-known pond. -Following up the bandaged crew and investigating the matter, he soon -learned the state of affairs, and forbade their leaving the Hospital -yard without a permit. This sudden falling off in the would-be-doctor’s -patients made a material change in the appearance of his office. In -short, it leveled his business and his hopes, and again the quack sank -into that obscurity from which he so energetically struggled to emerge. - - - - - A TERRIBLE TAKE IN. - - -To-day, while taking dinner in an eating-house in a Western town, I -witnessed an amusing incident. It appears the proprietor had often been -imposed upon by bummers who would walk boldly into the dining-room, and -after stowing away a supply of victuals that would fill an ordinary -carpet sack, would shuffle up to the counter, and in an undertone of -voice inform the person there officiating that they were unfortunately -“dead broke.” Of course the law doesn’t allow any ripping to be done on -such occasions, other than swearing. Then the well-filled rascals would -walk off picking their teeth with the utmost composure; except in -extreme cases when the out-going party would be assisted over the -threshold by an uprising boot. But even kicks would not bring the coin -into the till, or bring back upon the table the vanished edibles, so -this treatment was seldom resorted to. Finally, the proprietor bought a -large syringe, and placing it in a drawer in the dining-room, bided his -time. - -It happened while I was sitting at the table an individual, whose cheek -the proprietor had reason to believe far exceeded his checks, entered -the room and sat down directly in front of me. A plate of hot bean soup -sat invitingly before him, from which the savory steam rose up in -clouds, and not only filled the nostrils of the hungry man with -delicious and enticing odors, but served to whet the hungry edge of -appetite. - -[Illustration: “PAY IN ADVANCE, SIR.”] - -Lifting a large pewter spoon that lay beside the plate, he was about to -introduce it to the hot decoction before him. Already the limber hinges -of his jaw began to relax, preparatory to admitting the well-filled -spoon. His attention was suddenly arrested by the proprietor, who, with -one hand behind him and the other laid upon the spoon-arm of the -would-be eater, demanded the price of the dinner before he went any -further. The man, it seems, was not a member of that class of -individuals which the hotel keeper thought him. He was justly indignant, -therefore, at the demand, and sharply informed mine host that “he -guessed after he had eaten his dinner would be time enough to pay for -it.” But the oft-swindled proprietor thought differently. The man had -scarcely got the words out of his mouth before “mine host” produced a -syringe, large as the trunk of a small-sized elephant, and slapping the -nozzle of it into the soup, ran it circling around the plate, and with -one long, slobbering draught, like that of a horse drinking through his -bits, the soup plate was left lying before the hungry man, as empty as -his own stomach. - -The astonished individual looked first at his plate, on which not even a -bean was left, then at the dripping, steaming muzzle of the syringe, and -lastly at the landlord, who stood with a look of triumph spreading over -his face, silently waiting for the man to either come down with the coin -or leave the table. - -Though not liking that summary way of treating a person, the man was -either too hungry or too limited in time to go further for a meal, so he -fished out of his pocket the change and handed it to the proprietor. The -latter thereupon discharged the contents of the syringe into the soup -plate again, and walked away, leaving the customer to proceed with his -dinner. - -[Illustration] - - - - - A FAMILY JAR. - - - One night, while passing through the street, - A stranger paused to hear - The tumult from a cottage nigh, - That stunned the listening ear. - And as he stood without the door - The sound of war arose, - As when Boroo the Irish king - Engaged his stubborn foes. - - So drawing nigh the window-sill - He studied matters fair, - And lo, the husband and the wife - Engaged in battle there: - The former with his doubled fists - The battle sought to win; - While to his head the wife applied - The heavy rolling-pin. - - And as the stranger stood without - He thus communed with care,— - For he was shrewd and thought it best - To weigh the danger there,— - “This is some family affair: - Some question I opine - That I should not discuss with them, - Nor make the quarrel mine; - For I am newly risen up - From off the bed of pain, - And they perchance will turn on me, - And send me there again.” - -[Illustration: STRANGER WHO WENT NOT IN.] - - So turning from the window-sill - He journeyed on his way, - And went not in, but left the pair - Engaged in doubtful fray; - And when he was a great way off - The stranger paused once more, - And lo! the noise of battle fell - Still louder than before. - - Then he remarked, “This is indeed - A battle fierce and great; - I now repent me that I went - Not in, to remonstrate.” - Then taking to his road again, - He moved, repenting still, - And turned not back to enter in, - But slowly climbed the hill. - - Not many minutes later on, - Behold, another man - Was passing by, and heard the war - That through the building ran; - And lo! the tumult that arose - Was like the clamor high - When Michael’s host and Satan’s horde - Did mingle in the sky. - - And while he paused, he heard the stroke - The active husband sped; - And heard the fall of rolling-pin - Upon the husband’s head. - And he communed thus with himself,— - For he loved ways of peace, - Delighting not in heavy strokes, - But thinking war should cease: - - Said he, “A family jar, no doubt, - Now falls upon mine ear; - And I should promptly enter in - The house, to interfere; - Or soon, perchance, a murder will - Be done beneath this roof; - And I appear like one to blame, - Because I stood aloof, - Or passed along upon my way - And took no noble stand, - Nor raised my voice the war to stay, - Nor caught a lifted hand.” - - So then the traveler left the street - And bravely entered in, - Through porch and hall, and gained the room - Where rose the fearful din; - And on the husband laying hold, - He cried, “Why do ye go - Beyond the brute that roots the sod - In this contention low, - And neither spare the sex, nor kin, - Which you are bound to do? - Now use no more your ready hand - Or you the act may rue!” - - Then said the husband, turning round, - “Why, is she not mine own? - My flesh of flesh, as we are told, - And also bone of bone? - And who are you that here comes in - At me to rail and scout, - When I, by neither word nor line, - Sent invitation out? - Do I not answer for the rent? - And all the taxes pay? - And say to whom I will, ‘Come in,’ - Or, ‘Stand without,’ I pray?” - - Then also did that warring wife - Now rest her rolling-pin, - And thus addressed the stranger too, - “Aye! wherefore came ye in? - Come, let us beat him soundly here, - And throw him down the stairs, - And teach him not to interfere - With other folks’ affairs.” - - So hands they laid upon the wretch - While edging for the door, - And beat him freely out of shape, - And dragged him round the floor. - The wife would hold him down awhile - The husband’s blows to bide; - And then the husband held him till - The wife her weapon plied. - - They rent the garments from his back, - And from his scalp the hair; - And from his face in handfuls plucked - The whiskers long and fair; - And there, contrary to the laws, - And to his wish to boot, - He swallowed teeth that in his jaws - In youth had taken root. - - At last, uniting at the task, - They hauled him to the door - And sent him howling home in pain; - A man both lame and sore. - -[Illustration: THE STRANGER WHO WENT IN.] - - Who showed the greatest wisdom here,— - The one who heard the fray - And went not in, but later stood - Repenting in the way? - Or he, who turning from his path - Went in to stay the rout, - And after wished, with all his heart, - That he had stayed without? - - The observations of a life - Prove, eight times out of nine, - They best can meddle with a strife - Who bear official sign. - - But notwithstanding all the facts - This lesson has laid bare; - Of reaping good for noble acts - We never should despair. - Not here below reward we’ll know, - But virtue still prevails; - And valor, love, and rightful deeds, - Will count upon the scales. - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE ROD OF CORRECTION. - - -It is not often that a poor fellow like myself can have a good laugh at -the expense of a high dignitary. To-day, however, an opportunity -presented itself, and happily I was in the right humor to appreciate it. -Passing along a narrow street, I saw an old Irish woman unmercifully -beating her boy with a rod, which, if it had not been divested of twigs -and leaves, would have served as a Christmas tree for a good-sized -family. This of itself was nothing to make one smile, and perhaps no -person would more readily endorse such a sentiment than the boy himself. -But the end was not yet. - -It appears that while on his way from the grocery, with a pitcher of -beer for his mother, the little fellow tripped-up and spilled nearly the -whole contents in the street. This was something that Temperance folk -might well rejoice over, but it was a serious matter for the boy. The -old woman, with parched lips was standing at the gate, impatiently -awaiting her youngster’s return. She saw him emerge from the store, -pitcher in hand. Her quick eye caught sight of the light foam rising in -airy bubbles above the brim, and she knew the grocer had sent her no -stinted measure. In fancy she was already quenching her thirst with -copious draughts of the cooling drink—when she saw the boy measuring his -length upon the planks. Worst, and most lamentable of all, she saw the -delectable beverage coursing down the sidewalk in a dozen foaming -streams. Her rage knew no bounds. The moment the boy put his foot inside -the gate, she seized him with the grip of a virago, and belabored him -with the cudgel till he roared. So great was the outcry that every -window in the vicinity was immediately crammed with heads. Taught by the -lessons of my youth that he who meddles in other people’s affairs often -treads upon his own corns, I maintained a wise silence; but I mentally -prayed that the wrath of the old fury would be appeased, for the cries -and wild antics of the little wretch began to grow monotonous. - -[Illustration: A REAR ATTACK.] - -There chanced at that moment to be passing an eminent minister who -weekly fills his fashionable, spacious church with a glittering -congregation. He saw the woman was in a towering passion, and he -ventured to remark: “My good woman, the rod of correction should never -become the weapon of passion.” The remark, which seemed good and to the -point, caused her temporarily to suspend hostilities; but she still -retained her hold on the collar, as she turned around sharply to -ascertain who dared criticise her method of training up a child in the -way he should go. - -For a minute she glared upon the clergyman with flashing eyes, as if -astonished at his interference. Surveying him from the soles of his -boots to the very crown swirl of his silk hat, she drew herself up to -her full height, and, in the most indignant voice, shouted: “Away wid -yer cotations, you ould sermon thief! It’s not from the likes of yees I -learn me juty!” - -The clergyman was nonplussed; he quailed before the fiery eyes and -sarcastic tongue of the old vixen; and I fancied his face lit up with -joy when he discovered that he was nigh a corner, around which he -quickly disappeared. - -[Illustration] - - - - - GONE FROM HIS GAZE. - - - There was a little man, - And he had a little dog; - And he said: “Little dog, you must stay, stay, stay, - Playing here by the house, - As peaceful as a mouse, - And never hoist your tail and away, ’way, ’way— - And never hoist your tail and away.” - - Then said this little pup, - At its master looking up: - “I know, little master, you are cute, cute, cute; - But if you will allow - Such a question, tell me, now, - What the dickens do you want with a brute, brute, brute? - What the dickens do _you_ want with a brute?” - - Then the little man did stare, - And up rose his little hair; - And his cheeks with fear grew pale, pale, pale, - As he said: “I do propose, - Soon as you have found your nose, - To kill by the dozen little quail, quail, quail— - To kill by the dozen little quail.” - - At this the puppy grinned, - Like a mischief-making fiend, - As he whined: “You cannot come it upon me, me, me. - You would have me lie around - In a back-yard, like a hound, - And become a paradise for the flea, flea, flea— - And become a paradise for the flea.” - - When the toil of day had flown, - Little man, with little bone, - Went out where the little dog ought to be, be, be; - He whistled, and he called, - He patted, and he bawled, - But nary little dog could he see, see, see— - But nary little dog could he see. - - Next day he chanced to stop - By a sausage maker’s shop, - And something that he saw made him holler, holler, holler; - For there in the street, - All bloody, at his feet, - Lay his poor little dog’s leather collar, collar, collar— - Lay his poor little dog’s leather collar. - -[Illustration] - - - - - ST. PATRICK’S DAY. - - -Erin go bragh! St. Patrick’s day is upon us, and the city seems wrapped -in a “mantle of green,” so numerous are the Irish flags flying in the -breeze. - - From hovel roof, and church of size - Alike, the harp and sun-burst flies! - -The ear of morn is stunned with the bray of at least a dozen blatant -bands, as they discourse Old Erin’s soul-stirring airs. It is an easy -matter for a person to imagine himself sitting by some sheeling door in -“County Kerry” instead of this great American city by the sea. The -Ancient Order of Hibernians and the Fenians are out in full force, with -clean-boiled shirts and soap-washed faces. Marshals charge around upon -their caparisoned steeds like real heroes, and sitting gracefully as a -sack of potatoes upon the back of a spavined mule trotting over a -corduroy road. Evidently some of them have never before bent over -anything that came nigher to an equine than a saw-horse. It is plain - - Those who always rode, now ride the more, - And those now ride who never rode before. - -Well, they love the country that gave them birth, and that is a virtue -that is certainly commendable,—a natural excellence often wanting in -other nationalities. Besides, celebrating the old gentleman’s birthday -makes business lively with the stable men and the shoemakers, and that -of itself is a good reason why the demonstration should be encouraged. -It is hardly probable that any of the great powers will be materially -weakened by these loyal manifestations. - -Here is a sketch of a spirited member of the “Ancient Order of -Hibernians,” as he appeared passing my window in the morning, full of -life and loyalty, tripping the asphaltum pavement lightly as though -traversing the springy surface of his native bogs. And following is -another sketch of the same individual in the evening, when full of oaths -and whiskey, lying in the gutter with all that ease and abandon which -characterizes the Celtic race, wherever dispersed, in every land and in -every age. - -[Illustration: IN THE MORNING.] - -The different races of men have their different weaknesses. It may seem -an extravagant statement, but I venture to say if there had been no rice -plant in the world, the Chinese would not have cared to live. I will -even go further and say perhaps there would have been no Mongolian race. -And now the thought occurs to me, this deficiency in the human family -would not have been such a terrible thing after all. True, we should -have been obliged to get along with catnip tea instead of Souchong, -which would have been pretty heavy on old women. We also would have been -obliged to worry through without old Confucius, which might have made -some confusion in metaphysics or political morality. But as the latter -could hardly be worse than it is at present with all his teachings, we -possibly might have managed to exist very well without the moon-eyed -philosopher. - -[Illustration: IN THE EVENING.] - -The Teuton dotes on his well-seasoned bologna. The grizzly Emperor -William I, standing upon an eminence near Rezonville, overlooking the -battle-field, with a spy-glass in one hand and a large bologna sausage -in the other, furnished indeed a striking sketch for the special artist -of the occasion. The humor of the situation came in when the Emperor, -forgetting himself in the excitement of the moment, raised the sausage -to his eye instead of the spy-glass, and because he failed to see the -squadron of Uhlans—that a moment before were charging upon a -battery—concluded they were blown to smithereens, and losing his usual -equanimity, commenced to swear fearfully, and order up another division -to take their place. There was a broad and sarcastic humor couched in -the remark of the officer at his side, who observed the mistake, and -ventured the suggestion, “If your Majesty will take another bite from -the sausage, perhaps you will be able to see through it.” - -And then, there is the jovial, careless, free-hearted, yet quarrelsome -Irishman, who thinks a new Jerusalem without a little whiskey still in -one corner of it,—“over beyant the throne, and forninst the back dure,” -for instance—would be just no Paradise at all. I believe there is not a -race of men on the face of the earth—from Behring Straits to Terra del -Fuego, round and about, over and under, or down either quarter—that can -extract the same genuine soul-satisfying bliss from a flattened nose or -swelled lip, that a real, irrepressible, County Kerry Irishman can. Let -him have that, and a good stiff horn of whiskey to keep the blood -running freely, and my advice to you is, keep upon the other side of the -street, if you intend to sit for your picture that afternoon, or visit -your sweetheart that evening, or expect to take up the collection during -divine worship the next Sunday. At such a time he is no respecter of -persons, this set-up Irishman. - -You may be the Rector of the finest cathedral in the place, the mayor of -the city, the judge of the supreme court, or even the governor of the -state, and should your hat chance to blow off and roll in front of -him,—though it should cost him a fall upon the pavement,—that man will -kick it. I tell you he will kick it, and soundly too. He will make no -mincing about it, but go for it, as he would for his neighbor’s pig, -should he find it in his garden of cabbages. At such he is full of words -also, and can bestow upon the stone that trips him up the same flow of -abuse that he can shower upon the man who assists him to his feet. - - - - - THE CONTENTED FROG. - - - The frog that once in Selby’s dam - Its weird music shed, - Now lies as mute as stranded clam— - Because that frog is dead. - - So sleeps the plague of former days, - So noisy nights are o’er, - And he now on the pond decays - Who long cried, “Sleep no more!” - - A frog upon a log one day - In meditation sat, - And gazed upon his pond, that lay - Still as a tanner’s vat. - - No fish swam in his fetid lake, - No current seaward run; - But hemmed by grasses, weed, and brake, - It mantled in the sun. - -[Illustration: IN MEDITATION.] - - At length from revery he woke, - And thus to free his mind, - He in the gutt’ral jargon spoke - Peculiar to his kind:— - - “Give me my slimy pool,” quoth he, - “Before a river wide, - Where cranes are found, still wading round, - And hungry fishes glide. - - “Here light first dawn’d, here was I spawn’d, - And here I make my home— - Those longest live who’re not inclined - In foreign parts to roam. - - “Upon this log, or stone, I sit, - The water-fly to view, - Or watch the glossy whirligig - Describe his circles true. - - “How foolish are some pollywogs; - Before they’ve lost their tails - They often class themselves with frogs, - And leave their native swales; - - “And while exploring down some ditch, - Beneath a scorching ray, - Upon a sandy bar they hitch, - And bake as dry as hay. - - “Had they but waited till the tail - Had from their body dropp’d— - And in its stead four legs shot forth— - Away they might have hopp’d.” - - Thus while he sat above the pool, - Commenting on his lot, - He heard a truant boy from school - Come whistling to the spot. - - “Ah ha!” quoth he, “I hear, I see - An ancient foe of mine; - He stones will throw, that well I know, - And straight ones I divine. - - “The sparrow on the picket fence, - The squirrel on the limb, - The swallow flying overhead, - Alike look out for him. - - “There are some hands I scarcely fear, - So ill a stone they guide; - But when Bob Stevenson is near - ’Tis meet that I should hide.” - - So, prompted by the fearful thought, - He leaped in with a thud, - And diving to the bottom, sought - Concealment in the mud. - - Now burrow, burrow, little frog, - As you will trouble find; - Think not because your eyes are shut - That every one is blind. - - Then burrow deeper, deeper far, - Leave not one claw in view; - Or, swifter than a falling star, - A stone will cleave you through. - - “While here,” said he, “I’m safe enough, - And here I’ll peaceful lie - Until that little whistling rough - Has passed the water by.” - -[Illustration: BOB’S ATTACK.] - - But, ah! while he did reckon that - The host was not around,— - The youngster saw him quit the log, - And soon a stone was found. - - He stood beside the circling pond, - And gazed a while below— - The tell-tale mud the frog disturbed - Rose from the bottom slow. - - But, ah! for childhood’s searching eyes! - What can escape their darts? - Projecting from the mud he spies - The croaker’s hinder parts. - - “Ho! ho!” then laughed this cruel boy, - As downward he did stare, - “If you from trouble would be free - Of every part take care.” - - Then down he sent the ready stone, - Nor went it down in vain— - Dead as the missile that was thrown, - The frog came up again. - - Along the river’s ferny banks - The frogs still chant their lays - While floating on his native pool - That stone-killed frog decays. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - - ALL FOOLS’ DAY. - - -This is “all fools’ day,” and judging by the number of people who are -passing along the sidewalk with strings and rags dangling from their -coat tails, the custom of making people appear ridiculous is not -obsolete. What delight the youngsters take in covering a few bricks with -an old hat, and leaving it temptingly upon the sidewalk, while they -withdraw into some nook to watch the bait and halloo at the person who -is thoughtless enough to kick it. - -[Illustration: SOLD.] - -Though the custom has age to sanction it, I am decidedly opposed to -making people—either on the first of April or upon any other day—appear -ridiculous in their own eyes as well as in the eyes of every person with -whom they come in contact. People will make fools of themselves often -enough, without the assistance of others. I wonder why men are not more -upon their guard upon this day. Just now I saw a newspaper reporter, who -certainly should have known better, kick an old hat from his way, and go -limping to the office, denouncing everybody in general, but children in -particular. Speaking of reporters calls to mind something that I have -often thought. I believe if I had been endowed with more cheek and less -scruples about over-stepping the line of veracity, I long before this -would have made my mark in the world as a newspaper scribbler. - -My unconquerable modesty always rose up like a barrier between me and -reportorial fame. It would never allow me to dip into trivial, baseless -rumors, and magnify them into scandalous reports. My pride, too, was a -clog that blocked the wheel of progress. I could never throw it aside -long enough to intrude myself uninvited at select gatherings, or creep -and crouch under a window-sill or behind a door, like a base -eavesdropper, to hear words that were not intended for the public ear, -in order to work up a stirring article. But for these drawbacks, I -cannot help thinking I would have done well at the business, because, by -a singular decree of fate, I am generally present whenever any strange -or amusing incident transpires, or even when scenes of a serious nature -furnish work for the pen, and many a time, too, when I could well wish -myself suddenly removed far enough from the distressing scene before me. - -This afternoon, for example, a terrible assault was perpetrated in the -back yard of the house adjoining the one in which I reside. - -There is no use talking, I will have to get up and bundle out of this -locality, before long. It is becoming too rough a quarter for me. Its -poisonous air would tarnish the brightest reputation that ever shone -upon a forehead. - -With my usual luck, I happened to witness the affair. Thus far I have -kept it to myself, as I have no desire to figure in a court of justice -in any such scrape. Some people, perhaps, would rush forward and -volunteer their testimony, but I am not of that turn of mind, and -calculate to keep my mouth shut until it is pried open by a legal bar. I -have been looking over the evening papers, but they make no mention of -the case, so perhaps the authorities are keeping the matter quiet, -fearing that by giving it publicity they would defeat the ends of -justice. With this thought in mind, and to help them along in their -efforts, it being “all fools’ day,” also, I will say no more about it. - - - - - FINDING A HORSE-SHOE. - - -Upon this day, and at this time, while the fire burneth in the grate and -the warm drink steameth in the bowl, I speak as with the tongue of a -scribe of the olden time, and this is the burden of my speech:— - -A certain man, a citizen of this place, as he journeyed to his home, -that looketh toward the mountain which is called Lone—and at the base of -which the dead are entombed—found an horse-shoe in the way. And he was -exceeding pleased because of his luck, insomuch that he rubbed his hands -together joyfully, and said within himself: “How blessed am I in finding -this shoe in the way. This bodeth good to me and mine household, because -it pointeth in the way that I am going, and it would show a lack of -understanding in me should I not pick it up.” So he placed it carefully -in the pouch that was sewed in the hind part of his garment, which is -called the tail, and hastened on towards his home; and as he went his -countenance was bright to look upon. And it came to pass when he had -arrived at his house, and was entered in at the door, he said unto -himself—for he was an eccentric man, and his ways were not as the ways -of sensible people—“Now will I make all haste and fasten this shoe above -my parlor door, that it may continually bring good towards my house, for -my grandmother hath often said there lieth a charm for good in the -horse-shoe that is picked up by the way.” So reaching forth his hand, he -took a hammer and a nail—such a nail as builders use when they would -have their work outlast themselves—and stepping upon a chair, essayed to -transfix the shoe to the casing above the door. - -[Illustration: THE HORSE-SHOE CHARM.] - -Now it chanced that this man had a wife, a woman who was not eccentric, -neither had she patience to spare on those people who had eccentric -ways; and as she was at work in the kitchen—for upon the whole sea-coast -there was not found a more industrious or tidy woman—she heard the sound -of the hammer proceeding from the room which was her pride; and she made -haste and dropped the dough that she was kneading for the oven, and -looking out into the apartment, she beheld her husband standing upon the -chair attempting to transfix the horse-shoe above the door. And she was -exceeding displeased because of his action, and of his provoking -eccentricity, and she remonstrated with him mildly, saying: - -“Souls of the Innocents! is this a barn? or a blacksmith’s shop? or are -ye gone stark, staring mad? or has old age benumbed your senses beyond -all hope? that thus you would establish the unsightly object above the -door, to be a jest for visitors and a shame unto us?” - -But the good man of the house, looking down reprovingly from the -eminence upon which he was now set up—being nettled because she had -likened him to a man stark, staring mad—answered the woman sharply, -after this manner, saying:— - -“Go delve into thy dough, _old_ woman! Did ye never have a grandmother? -or is thy memory as short as thy wind? Know ye not I fix it here that it -may bring good unto our house, as hath been said of it in the olden -time?” So he left off speaking with his wife, but turned him about and -once more essayed to establish the shoe above the door. For his mind was -firm on that point, that he would nail it there, that it might bring -good unto his house. - -Then waxed the woman exceedingly wroth—for she was of the house of -O’Donohue, whose temper caused him to be cast into prison, because he -smote the anointed priest within the chapel—and bending her body, she -laid hold of the rounds of the chair upon which her husband was builded -up, and pulled it suddenly from beneath him while he did reach to drive -the spike, and behold, he came down quickly, and lay along the floor -like a cedar felled. - -And it so happened, as the woman attempted to pass out by the door which -led out into the kitchen, lo! a hammer followed after, and overtook the -woman, and lodged upon her back, even between the two shoulder blades, -and caused her to cry out with a marvelous loud cry; but turning herself -around while yet the cry was proceeding from her mouth, she lifted the -hammer from the floor and cast it from her, even at the countenance of -her rising husband. Now it came to pass when the good man of the house -looked upon the weapon as it left the hand of his wife, and saw that it -was drawing nigh unto his head, swift as a javelin hurled from a -Trojan’s arm, he said within himself, “As my name is Bartholomew, my -hour is come.” And as he spoke he dived to the floor, that it might pass -over and work him no harm. But even while he stooped, the weapon caught -upon his scalp and peeled it backward to the very nape. - -Then went the woman out into the kitchen, and when her husband was risen -from the floor, he ran out into the streets seeking where he might find -a surgeon; and as he ran the people stood and looked after, and communed -one with another, saying: “Surely this man hath escaped from the -Modocs!” But he was sorely troubled because of his scalp, so he heeded -not the people, neither loitered he by the way to enlighten them -concerning the wound; but when he had entered in at a surgeon’s door he -entreated him to make all haste and bind up his wounds, that he might -become whole again. - -[Illustration: REPAIRS NEEDED.] - -And when the surgeon drew nigh and looked upon the wound he was -exceedingly astonished, and he cried, “Of what tribe was the savage that -hath done this?” - -But the injured man answered him sorrowfully, saying, “Nay, but my wife -hath done this thing!” and bowing his head between his knees he wept -bitterly, even as David wept when he learned that Absalom had perished -in the boughs of the great oak. And when the surgeon had poured oil upon -the wound, and sewed it together—even as a housewife seweth the rent in -a garment—and spread plasters upon his head in divers ways, he arose and -journeyed to the Hall of Justice, which is by the Plaza, and entered a -complaint against the woman. - -And it came to pass when the magistrates and the wise men of the place -heard his complaint, they looked upon him as a person altogether given -over to falsehoods, and they questioned him, saying: “How may we know if -ye indeed speak the truth in our ears.” And removing the bandage from -his head, with which the surgeon had wrapped it round, he answered and -spake unto them, saying: “Ye ask for proof, and behold! I give it you!” -And when they drew nigh and looked upon his head they saw that it was -covered over with plasters, insomuch that it resembled a bolt of linen -fresh from the loom, and they were sore displeased because of the -assault. So they called together four men, the chosen officers of the -force, and commanded them to arrest the woman, saying: “Take ye the -woman into custody, and lodge her in prison, that on the morrow we may -sit in judgment over her.” - -So these four officers, named Murry, the brave; and Flynn, styled the -“blinker,” and Curran, and Flaherty,—surnamed the “beat”—armed -themselves with pistols, and clubs, and knives, and went forth to arrest -the woman. And a great crowd followed after, for they said among -themselves, “Surely some murder hath been done.” So when they had come -nigh to the house they laid plans how they might surround it; and this -was the manner of their approach toward the house. Murry on the east -side; and Flynn, styled the “blinker,” on the west side; and Curran on -the north side; and Flaherty, surnamed the “beat” on the south side. So -they did compass the house about and enter it; and this was the manner -of their entrance. One by the front door, and one by the back door, and -one by the window that looked out at the west side of the house, and one -by the window that looked out at the east side of the house; and they -did converge and meet in the centre. And they found the hammer and the -blood thereon; and the horse-shoe and the nail sticking therein; but -they found not the woman. And they searched the house, beginning at the -cellar, and ascending even up to the loft, but be it known unto you, the -woman had fled, and her whereabouts remaineth a secret to this day. - -[Illustration] - - - - - AN EVENING WITH SCIENTISTS. - - -This evening I accepted an invitation from a member of the Academy of -Science to attend a regular meeting. I started out almost under protest, -thinking it would prove a very dry entertainment. It had been said that -at their meetings they conversed only about fossils or strata, or grew -warm while arguing some point about the Azoic or Silurian age, that -period before the Dinotherium or even the Mastodon ran bellowing across -the flinty earth. I was agreeably disappointed, however. For I found it -not only instructive, but amusing to others than scientists. The -President announced to the Academy that a feathered mouse had been sent -by an unknown friend from a distant town. A vote of thanks was then -tendered the donor. The feathered mouse, however, proved to be a cruel -fraud, for a subsequent examination revealed the painful fact that the -feathers were stuck to the skin by some adhesive substance. The vote of -thanks was then rescinded, and the feathered mouse was informally -introduced to the office cat. - -A communication was then read from a man in the interior. He informed -the Academy that he had in his possession a large sow, which, when quite -a small pig, had been severely bitten by a black dog, which made a -lasting impression upon her. In after years if any of her litter were -black she singled them out, and devoured them with as little remorse as -an old woman would a dish of stir-about. The sow had that day died from -the effects of eating a tarantula, and he offered to donate her to the -Academy, providing they would bear the cost of transporting her to the -city. By a unanimous vote the communication was laid _under_ the table. - -Quite a discussion then took place as to whether pigs really do see the -wind, and if so, why? - -[Illustration: THE PRESIDENT OF THE ACADEMY.] - -A member then presented the Academy with a new species of snail, or -slug, which he found in the mountains, and which had but one horn. He -proposed having it called a “unicorn snail.” Quite a controversy -followed. Several members maintained that the snail imprudently left its -horns out over night, and one, getting nipped by the frost, dropped off. -This proposition angered the generous donor, and reaching forth a hand -trembling with emotion, he lifted the snail from the palm of the -admiring President, and laid it down gently upon the floor—as a mother -might deposit an infant in the cradle—and while the Academy stood -spell-bound, before a tongue could be loosened from the roof of a mouth, -or a hand stretched to save, he planted the sole of a number eleven boot -upon the crowning back of the little gasteropod, and when he lifted his -foot again, all that was visible of the one-horned snail was a little -grease spot upon the floor, the size of an average rain drop. This -inhuman act seemed to throw a gloom over the Academy. - -No further business appearing, the meeting adjourned. - - - - - OUR TABLE GIRL. - - “O, those girls! - Naughty, laughing, beautiful girls.”—_Old Song._ - - -I commenced boarding in a new place to-day, and am completely smitten by -the charming table girl— - - Oh, she is young and bright and fair, - With midnight eyes and inky hair, - Which unconfined, without a check, - Falls round a plump and snowy neck. - Oh, sweet she bends above my chair - Like Juno, when old Jove’s her care, - And as she stoops to hear me speak, - Soft falls her breath upon my cheek, - And I forget (true as I live) - The order that I fain would give. - Before her dark and earnest eyes - My appetite distracted flies, - And though I hungry sit me down, - I rise full as a country clown - Who by a picnic table stands, - And shovels in with both his hands. - ’Tis true, at times the humble board - Does but a scant repast afford; - At times we grumble at the bread, - Or at the butter shake the head; - And oft the whisper circles round - About the mystery profound, - That may within the hash repose, - And any fateful stir disclose. - But still we linger, still we stay, - And hope for better things each day; - Thus proving that one winning face - Can keep from bankruptcy the place. - -[Illustration] - - - - - AN OLD WOMAN IN PERIL. - - -Yesterday, while in the back country, I saw an old woman in what would -have been a very laughable predicament, had it not been a very pitiable -one. - -An unusually large vulture had for some time been soaring in the -neighborhood, occasionally scraping acquaintance with one of the fat -ewes grazing in the valley. Several of the farmers had felt the vexation -of seeing him perched upon a lofty eminence and making the wool fly from -some favorite Cotswold. They were justly enraged, and resolved to put a -stop to his depredations. - -They accordingly posted themselves nigh their flocks, and with guns -heavily charged, awaited the advent of the rapacious bird. But he was no -booby, and though his gizzard could digest a good-sized rib or hoof with -all the ease of a Ballyshannon woman making away with a mealy potato, -yet he hadn’t the least inclination to test its grinding power upon a -charge of slugs or buckshot. - -For several days thereafter he was known in the neighborhood as a “high -flier.” With a pining maw he would sit upon some heaven-kissing crag, -and with drooping head watch the fleecy flocks grazing in the green -valley below. He found it difficult, however, to cloy the hungry edge of -appetite by bare imagination of a feast, and, emboldened by want, began -to drop to a lower level when flying across the fields. - -Yesterday, as mutton was out of the question, he resolved to try his -beak upon some tougher viand, and while in the vicinity of the village, -he swooped down upon a little old woman who was gathering chips in front -of her cottage. - -The poor old body had not the least warning of the vulture’s approach. -As she stooped in the act of picking fuel enough to cook her evening -meal he dropped upon her like an arrow. - -[Illustration: THE OLD LADY’S ASCENT.] - -Fastening his powerful talons in the strong material of her -loose-fitting garments, he spread abroad his mighty wings and began to -haul her heavenward. The astonishment, anxiety and indescribable antics -of the poor old lady when she found herself slowly but surely leaving -_terra firma_ by an unknown agency were indeed terrible to witness. - -She knew not whether it was a gold-tinseled angel, or an iron-rusted -demon, that was thus, in open day, and while she was yet in the flesh, -unceremoniously translating her to some remote planet; she had no means -of discovering; she was only certain she was going—that her direction -was onward and upward. Her favorite hollyhock tickled her nose as she -swept over her little garden, and the clothes-line, that for a moment -seemed to baffle the vulture’s flight, was now stretching beneath. - -She deployed her feet, regardless of appearances, first to the right, -then to the left, above and below, vainly endeavoring to come in contact -with something that would give her an inkling of what was responsible -for this mysterious movement. There was a vague uncertainty about the -whole proceeding well calculated to alarm her. Even though she succeeded -in shaking herself loose, her fall would now be fearful, and each moment -was adding to the danger. What could I do? I was powerless to save. I -had no gun, and even if I had there would have been some grave doubts in -my mind as to the propriety of firing, as I generally shoot low, and -such an error in my aim could hardly have proved otherwise than -disastrous. - -There was no use striving to make the bird loosen his hold by hooting. -If there had been any virtue in that sort of demonstration the old woman -would hardly have been raised above the eaves of her shanty, for she was -screaming in a manner that would have made a Modoc blush. The only thing -that suggested itself, and that rather hurriedly, was to get out my -pencil and paper and take a sketch as she appeared passing over her -cottage in the vulture’s talons. - -The blood, which at first forsook her cheeks through fear, was almost -instantly forced back into her visage again by the pendant position of -her head. - -She beat the empty tin pan which she still retained in her hand, but the -voracious and hunger-pinched vulture had no notion of relinquishing his -hold on account of noise. On the contrary, he seemed to enjoy it, and -with many a sturdy twitch and flap, and many an airy wheel, he still -held his way toward a rugged promontory situated at the head of the -valley. Fortunately, when he was twenty feet from the ground and about -eighty rods from the cottage, the calico dress and undergarments in -which mainly his talons were fastened, gave out, and the liberated woman -dropped on hands and knees in the muddy bed of the creek, over which the -bird was passing at the time. - -While hovering over her, about to pounce down upon her and try the -elevating business again, a sheep-herder who had seen the bird -approaching the cottage, gave him a dose of buckshot, which broke one -wing and left him at the mercy of his captor. - -[Illustration] - - - - - FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE. - - _Jonathan_.—“I hain’t got no tongue for soapin’ of ye, Susan Jane. I - mean _business_, I do. Will ye hev me?” - - _Susan Jane_.—“I don’t know much about ye, Jonathan Junkit, but I’m - willin’ to risk it, anyhow. Yer’s my hand. I’m yourn.” - - _Old Volume._ - - -This afternoon I attended a private wedding on Howard Street. I may -safely term it “marriage in high life,” as the combined height of the -couple was something over twelve feet. - -The groom was a bachelor, who for many a year had stood around the fire -like the half of a tongs, very good as a poker, but not worth standing -room as a picker up. - -He looked as though it wouldn’t require much advice to make him—even at -the eleventh hour—prove recreant to his vows, and back out from under -the yoke the reverend gentleman was about to place upon his neck. - -His companion, however, was no novice in the business in which she was -engaged. She was fearlessly putting forth upon that sea on which she had -twice been wrecked, but she was nothing loth to try it again. Were she -only skilled in navigation as well as in embarkation, she would have -been the one to send on expeditions to either the North or South Pole, -as the case might be. - -[Illustration: THE TRYING MOMENT.] - -It was truly encouraging to the timorous and uninitiated, to see with -what a broad smile she regarded her husband that was to be; and with -what a readiness she responded to the momentous question propounded by -the minister. And when they stood as husband and wife, her Milesian face -lighted up with irrepressible joy, until it beamed like a Chinese -lantern. - -Her emotions went far to convince me that there is in those matrimonial -fields a balm for every ill; a perfect bliss worthy the seeking, even at -the risk of receiving the bruised spirit, if not the bruised head. - -[Illustration] - - - - - ODE ON A BUMBLE-BEE. - - -[Illustration] - - Oh, busy, breezy bumble-bee, - A fitting theme in you I see! - At once you backward turn my gaze - To orchard, mead, and pasture days, - To watch your movements to and fro - With wondering eyes, as years ago. - Come, let me set my mark on thee, - As thou hast oft remembered me, - When with a seeming special zeal - You hastened to affix your seal. - I’ve heard your gruff good-morrow ring - When meeting kinsfolk on the wing; - Now coming zig-zag, light and airy, - Now going laden, straight and wary; - Still mindful of the spider’s snare - And kingbird, pirate of the air. - -[Illustration] - - I’ve seen you upward turn your eye, - When clouds began to fleck the sky, - The winds to chafe the village pond, - And thunder rumble far beyond - And threaten storm, ere you could fill - Your honey sack, so empty still. - I’ve heard you whining forth your grief - When rain commenced to pelt the leaf, - And made you take the shortest road - That brought you to your dark abode. - I’ve marked your grumbling when you found - The working bee had been around; - Had left his bed and waxen door - And reached the field an hour before; - For still, with early bird, or bee, - Or man, the maxim does agree - They all must be content to find - What early risers leave behind. - Against the bell I’ve heard you storm, - Because it kept your burly form - From passing in the honeyed way, - That open to the emmet lay. - Thus human folk are oft denied - What, in their judgment, or their pride, - They should enjoy, though kept instead - For meaner things that creep ahead. - I know how apt you are to cling - To locks of hair, to hide and sing, - And keep the victim still in doubt - Just where the mischief will break out; - I know full well your angry tone, - And how you stab to find the bone; - With what a brave, heroic breast - Ye strike for queen and treasure chest, - Like Sparta’s sons, at duty’s call, - Compelled to win, or fighting fall; - Not fearing odds, nor counting twice, - Ye fix your bayonet in a trice, - And charge upon the nearest foe, - And break the ranks where’er you go. - For not the stroke of halberdier - Nor thrust of Macedonian spear - Can check your onset when you fly - With full intent to do or die! - Beneath your straight and rapid dart - The foe will tumble, turn, depart, - And leave you victor, to report - Your doings at the Queen Bee’s court. - And proudly may you bare your brow, - In presence of your sovereign bow, - And tell her why you came so late, - Thus panting, to the palace gate; - And show your limbs of wax bereft, - Your right arm crushed, and sprained the left, - Your twisted horn, exhausted sting, - Your wounded scalp and tattered wing, - But how, in spite of every ill, - You struck for independence still, - Until the acre lot was free - Of all that would molest the bee. - - ’Tis said that youngsters have a knack - To take you prisoner by the back; - To catch you by the wings, in haste, - A piece above the belted waist, - And hold you thus, to struggle there, - And use your sting on empty air. - But once I tried, and once I missed, - For you’re a great contortionist, - And somehow turn, and manage still - To plant your poison where you will. - Ah, they are wise, who meddling cease, - And let you go your way in peace! - - Though many things may slip my mind - Before the narrow bed I find, - In fancy’s field I’d often see - The busy, burly bumble-bee. - -[Illustration] - - - - - DUDLEY AND THE GREASED PIG. - - -Boil-stricken Job had his comforters, who, despite his timely -injunction, “Oh, lay your hands upon your mouths, and thereby show your -wisdom,” would still drum in his ear, “Hear us, for we will speak.” Poor -old Falstaff had his evil genius in Bardolph, his impecunious follower, -with his “Lend me a shilling.” And I have my burdensome “Jim Dudley,” -with his “Let me tell you a story.” I was kept awake last night -listening to his crazy yarn about the “greased pig,” as if I cared -anything about his villainous adventures. - -“Oh, yes, that scrape with the greased pig? I never told you about it, -eh? It’s worth heerin’, for that was a tearin’ old race, and I came -mi’ty nigh gettin’ shoved out of the village on account of it, too, now, -I can tell ye. Down on me? Wall, I reckon you’d think so if you heered -the hollerin’ that was gwine on for awhile arter that race, some cryin’ -one thin’ and some another. ‘Tar and feather the cheat,’ one would -holler. - -“‘Lynch the blamed humbug!’ another would shout. - -“‘Put him in a sack and h’ist him over the bridge!’ would come from -another quarter. - -“A doctor was never so down on a patent medicine as they were on me -arter that race, especially Parson Coolridge, who was one of the -principal sufferers, yer see. - -“It was May Day amongst ’em, and the hull village seemed to be out thar -enjoyin’ ’emselves. They had sack races and wheelbarrow races. That was -the day blindfold Tom Moody ran the wheelbarrow through the grocer’s -window, and Old Shulkin knocked him down with a ham, and a dog ran away -with it. He charged Tom with the ham in the bill, along with the broken -winder. - -“They had a greased pole standin’ thar with a ten-dollar greenback -tacked on top of it, but no person could get within ten feet of the -bill. The hungry crowds were standin’ around all day gazin’ longin’ly up -at the flutterin’ greenback, like dogs at a coon in a tree-top. - -“I didn’t try the pole, but when they brought out the greased pig—a -great, slab-sided critter, jest in good condition for racin’,—I got sort -o’ interested in the performance. His tail was more’n a foot long, and -it was greased until it would slip through a feller’s fingers like a -newly caught eel. - -“Several of the boys started arter him, but they’d jest make one catch, -and before they were certain whether they had hold of it, they would go -one way and the hog would go another. And then the crowd would holler. - -“I was standin’ thar a leanin’ over the fence watchin’ of ’em for some -time, and I see the pig was in the habit of formin’ a sort of ring with -his tail; leastwise he’d lap it over so that it e’enmost formed a -knot—all it lacked was the end wanted drawin’ through. I cal’lated that -a feller with pooty nimble fingers could make a tie by jest slippin’ his -fingers through the ring and haulin’ the end of the tail through. That -would make a plaguey good knot, and prevent his hand from slippin’ off. -Arter thinkin’ over it for some time I concluded if I could git up a bet -that would pay for the hardships that a feller would be likely to -experience, I would try a catch anyhow. - -“So I ses to Jake Swasey, who stood alongside of me, ‘Jake, I believe -that I kin hold that pig until he gins out.’ - -“‘Hold?’ he ses, surprised like and raisin’ his eyebrows just that way; -‘what’s the matter of ye? hain’t ye slept well? Ye mout as well try to -hold old Nick by the tail as that big, slab-sided critter.’ - -“‘Wal, now, jest wait a bit,’ ses I; so I went on and told him what I -cal’lated to do, and arter he looked awhile, he ses, ‘Wal, go ahead, -Jim, I’ll back ye. I reckon we can git any amount of odds so long as we -keep the knot bus’ness to ourselves.’ - -“So pullin’ off my coat I gin it to Jake to hold, and jumpin’ on the -fence, I hollered, ‘I’ll bet ten to twenty that I kin freeze to the -pig’s tail till he gins out!’ - -“Great fish-hooks! you ought to have seen ’em a-rustlin’ towards me. I -couldn’t see anythin’ but hands for five minutes, as they were holdin’ -of ’em up, and signalin’, an’ a-hollerin’, ‘I’ll take that bet, Dudley, -I’ll take that bet!’ I got rid of what money I had about me pooty soon, -and Jake Swasey was jest a-spreadin’ out his greenbacks like a -paymaster, and arter he exhausted his treasury he started arter his -sister to git what money she had. I hollered to him to come back—I was -fearin’ he’d tell her about the knot bus’ness; but he wasn’t no fool and -knowed too well what gals are to trust her with any payin’ secret. - -“Old Judge Perkins was thar, jolly as a boy on the last day of school. -Wal, he was holdin’ of the stakes, and his pockets were crammed -chockfull of greenbacks. He was a pooty good friend of mine, and -couldn’t conceive how in thunder I was a-gwine to get my money back. - -[Illustration: JUDGE PERKINS.] - -“Beckonin’ of me one side—‘Dudley,’ ses he, kind of low that way, and -confidentially like, ‘I know you’re as hard to catch as an old trout -with three broken hooks in its gill; but I can’t help thinkin’ a greased -pig’s tail is a mi’ty slippery foundation to build hopes on.’ - -“‘Never mind, Judge,’ ses I, winkin’, ‘I can see my way through.’ - -“‘Yes, Dudley,’ he ses, a-shakin’ of his head dubious like, ‘that’s what -the fly ses when he’s a-buttin’ his head against the winder.’ - -“‘Wal,’ ses I, ‘without the tail pulls out, I cal’late to travel mi’ty -close in the wake of that swine for the next half hour;’ and with that I -moved off to where the pig was standin’ and listenin’ to all that was -gwine on. - -“I fooled round him a little until I got betwixt him and the crowd, and -when he flopped his tail over as I was tellin’ ye, I made one desperate -lunge, and made a go of it the fust time. I jest hauled the end through -while he was turnin’ round, and grabbin’ hold above my hand, rolled it -down into the tightest knot you ever sot eyes on. It was about two -inches from the end of the tail, and he scolloped around so amazin’ -lively nobody could see it. The crowd allowed I was hangin’ on the -straight tail, and they didn’t know what to make of the performance -anyhow. - -“‘Go it, piggy,’ I ses to myself, just that way, ‘I guess it’s only a -question of endurance now, as the gal said when she had the flea under -the hot flat-iron.’ - -“The gate was open, and arter a few circles around the lot, the hog -p’inted for it, and away he went, pig fust and I arter. He ran -helter-skelter under old Mother Sheehan, the fruit woman, jest as she -was comin’ through the gateway with a big basket of apples on each arm. -I did hate like snakes to hoist the old lady, bounce me if I didn’t! I -would ruther have run around a mountain than do it, ’cause you see she -had jest been gittin’ off a bed of sickness that came nigh shroudin’ -her, and she wasn’t prepared for a panic, by any means. I did my best to -swing the critter around and git him off the notion of goin’ through, -but his mind was made up. Thar was plenty of room outside for him to -pass along without disturbin’ the old lady, but a hog is a hog, you -know—contrary the world over. Besides, he allowed he could brush me off -by the operation, but I wasn’t so easily got rid of. The money was up, -you see, and I had no choice but to follow where he led and stick to the -rooter till he gin out. ‘Where thou goest, I will go,’ I ses to myself, -rememberin’ the passage in the Scriptures, and duckin’ my head to follow -him. I scrouched down as low as I could and keep on my feet; for I -cal’lated, do my best, the old woman would git elevated pooty lively. - -[Illustration: BAD FOR THE FRUIT BUSINESS.] - -“She hollered as though a whole menagerie—elephants, kangaroos, snakes -and all—had broke loose. Her sight wasn’t any too clear, and the whole -proceedin’s had come upon her so sudden that she didn’t exactly know -what sort of an animal was thar. She would have been satisfied it was a -hog if it hadn’t taken so long to git through. I followed so close to -his hams that she reckoned we both made one animal. The hog gin a snort -when he started in to run the blockade, and she ses to herself, ‘Thar -goes a big hog,’ but about the time she reckoned he had got out on the -other side, I come a humpin’ and a boomin’ along in my shirt-sleeves, -and gin her a second boost, throwin’ the old woman completely off her -pins and out of her calculations at once. - -“She did holler good, thar’s no mistake about that. - -“The crowd hoorayed and applauded. The older ones of course sympathized -with the poor old woman; but they could do nothin’ more, ’cause the -whole catastrophe come as sudden as an earthquake and nobody seemed to -be to blame. I wasn’t, and they all could see that plain enough. The -young uns went for the scattered apples, but the pig and I kept right on -attendin’ to business. Now and agin he’d double back towards the crowd, -and they’d commence scatterin’ every which way, trampin’ on each other’s -feet. Si Grope, the cashiered man-of-wars-man, stepped on Pat Cronin’s -bunion, and he responded by fetchin’ the old salt a welt in the burr of -the ear, and at it they went, tooth and nail, right thar. A few stopped -to see fair play, but the heft of the crowd, about three hundred, kept -right on arter me and the hog. - -“Jake Swasey managed to git up pooty nigh to us once and hollered, ‘How -are you makin’ it, Jim?’ - -“‘Fustrate,’ I answered; ‘I cal’late to stick to this swine through bush -and bramble till I tire him out.’ - -“‘That’s the feelin’,’ he shouted, and with that we left him behind. The -old judge was a puffin’ and a blowin’, strivin’ his best to keep up, and -for some time he actewally led the crowd, but he didn’t hold out very -long, but gradewelly sank to the rear. - -[Illustration: BOW-LEGGED SPINNY.] - -“Rod Munnion, the tanner, stumbled and fell while crossin’ the street. -His false teeth dropped out into the dirt, and while he was scramblin’ -on all fours to git ’em ag’in, a feller named Welsh, who was clatterin’ -past, slapped his foot down and bent the plate out of all shape. Munnion -snatched ’em up ag’in as quick as the foot riz, and wipin’ ’em on his -overalls as he ran, chucked ’em back into his mouth ag’in, all twisted -as they were. They did look awful though, stickin’ straight out from his -mouth, and pressin’ his lip chock up ag’inst his nose. You couldn’t -understand what he was sayin’ any more than if he was Chinnook. - -“Bow-legged Spinny, the cabbagin’ tailor, was thar. He met the crowd -while carryin’ home Squire Lockwood’s new suit, and catchin’ the -excitement of the moment, tossed the package into Slawson’s yard, and it -bounded into the well quicker than ‘scat.’ He didn’t know it though, but -hollered to the old woman, as he ran past the window, to look arter the -package until he got back. Not seein’ any package she allowed he was -crazy as a cow with her head stuck in a barrel, and flew to boltin’ of -her doors pooty lively. He had been once to the Lunatic Asylum, you see, -and they were still suspicious of him. - -“The crowd thought to head us off by takin’ down a narrow lane, and it -was while they were in that, that they began to surge ahead of Judge -Perkins. He was awful quick tempered, and pooty conceited, and when -bow-legged Spinny was elbowin’ past him he got mad. Catching the poor -stitcher by the coat tail, he hollered: ‘What! a miserable thread-needle -machine claimin’ precedence?’ and with that he slung him more’n ten -feet, landin’ him on his back in a nook of the fence. - -“That was the day they buried old Mrs. Redpath, that the doctors -disagreed over. Dr. Looty had been doctorin’ her for some time for bone -disease. He said her back-bone war decayin’. He didn’t make much out of -it though, and they got another doctor. The new feller said he -understood the case thoroughly; he ridiculed the idea of bone disease, -and went to work doctorin’ for the liver complaint. He said it had -stopped workin’ and he was agwine to git it started ag’in. I reckon he’d -have accomplished somethin’ if she had lived long enough, but she died -in the meantime. When they held a post-mortem, they found out the old -woman, some time in her life, had swallered a fish-bone which never -passed her stomach, and eventually it killed her. - -“‘Thar,’ ses Dr. Looty, ‘what did I tell ye? You’ll admit, I reckon, my -diagnosis of the disease was right arter all, only I made a slight error -in locatin’ the bone!’ - -“‘Bone be splintered!’ ses the other feller, ‘hain’t I bin workin’ -nigher the ailin’ part than you?’ So they went on quackin’ thar and -disagreein’ over her until old Redpath got mad and hollered, ‘You old -melonheads, isn’t it enough that I’m a widderer by your fumblin’ -malpractice, without havin’ ye wranglin’ over the old woman!’ So he put -’em both out, and chucked their knives and saws arter ’em. - -“But as I was sayin’, that was the day of the funeral, and while it was -proceedin’ from the church to the buryin’ ground with Parson Coolridge -at the head, with his long white gown on, we hove in sight comin’ -tearin’ down to’ards the parsonage. The minister was a feller that -actewelly doted on flowers. When he wasn’t copyin’ his sermons’ he was -fussin’ around among the posies. He had his gardin chock full of all -kinds of plants and shrubs. Thar you could see the snapdragon from -Ireland, the fu-chu from China, the snow-ball from Canada, the -bachelor’s button from Californy, and every kind you could mention. - -“He had noticed the gardin gate was open when the funeral passed, and it -worried him considerable. So when he heered the hootin’ and hollerin’, -and got sight of the crowd surgin’ down the street, and see the pig and -I pointin’ in the direction of the house, he couldn’t go ahead nohow. - -“Turnin’ around to the pall bearers who were puffing along behind him, -he ses, ‘Ease your hands a minit, boys, and let the old woman rest ’till -I run back and see if that Dudley is agwine to drive that hog into my -gardin. Confound him!’ he contin’ed, ‘he’s wuss to have around the -neighborhood than the measles.’ With that he started back on the run, -his long, white gown a-flyin’ away out behind, the most comical lookin’ -thing you ever see. And he could run, that Parson Coolridge, in a way -that was astonishin’. I reckon he hadn’t stirred out of a walk before -for thirty years, and yit he streaked it over the ground as though it -was an every-day occurrence. - -“His j’ints cracked and snapped with the unusual motion, like an old -stairs in frosty weather, but he didn’t mind that so long as he could -git over the ground. He was thinkin’ of his favorite plants and the -prospect of their gittin’ stirred up and transplanted in a manner he -wasn’t prepared to approve. He did jerk back his elbows pooty spiteful, -now I can tell you. He tried to make the gateway fust, and put in his -best strides. But when he saw he couldn’t, he hollered, ‘Keep that hog -out of my gardin, Dudley, or I’ll take the law of ye.’ - -[Illustration: NIP AND TUCK.] - -“‘Don’t git wrathy, Parson Coolridge,’ I shouted. ‘I can’t prevent the -pig from gwine in. I have hold of the rudder, but I’ll be boosted if I -can steer the ship.’ With that, through the openin’ we went, pig fust -and me arter, and the hul crowd a clatterin’ behind us. The judge was -amongst ’em, but got left in the hind end of it, where the women were -a-trottin’. The Parson’s flowers went down with broken necks quicker -than lightnin’. It wasn’t more’n ten seconds until they were six inches -under ground, for the hog kept a circlin’ around and the hoorayin’ crowd -follerin’ arter, payin’ no more attention to the Parson than if he had -been a young ’un a-runnin’ around. When they saw the crowd, the pall -bearers and most of the people who were jest follerin’ the remains -through sympathy, turned back on the run and left the mourners standin’ -thar by the coffin. - -“Oh! it was the most excitin’ time the village ever seed. The ground was -too soft in the gardin for the pig to git around well, and pooty soon he -gin out. I was awful tired, too, and was hangin’ a dead weight on him -for the last ten minutes. - -“When the boys see the knot on the tail you ought to hear ’em -a-hollerin’, ‘Bets off! bets off!’ They were set on claimin’ a foul, and -surrounded the old judge demandin’ thar money. - -“But, as the crowd was increasin’ and the Parson was e’enmost crazy, the -judge told ’em to come with him to the Court-house—he wouldn’t decide -nothin’ in the gardin. As the hog couldn’t walk, the judge took his -tobacco knife and cut the tail off and took it along with him to -introduce as proof. He decided in my favor. He said that I had held on -to the tail and touched nothin’ else, and if I managed to tie a knot -while runnin’ I had performed a feat never before heard of in the -country, so he paid over the money. - -“But Parson Coolridge was the most worked up of any of ’em. He had legal -advice on the matter, but the lawyer told him to gin it up, for the -judge was on my side. Besides, he shouldn’t have left the gate open, if -he didn’t want the pig to go in thar. Arter a while he gin up the notion -of suin’ me, but while he stopped in the village he never got over it. - -[Illustration: MORE LIGHT ON THE SUBJECT.] - -“The boys had pictures chalked up on the fences and shop doors, so that -wherever you’d look you’d see sketches of the Parson runnin’ back from -the funeral, and me a holdin’ on to the pig’s tail. He paid out more’n -ten dollars in small sums to one boy, hirin’ him to go round and rub out -the pictures wherever he’d happen to see ’em. But every time the Parson -would start out through the village, thar on some fence or door, or side -of a buildin’, would be the same strikin’ picture of him, a streakin’ it -to head off the hog, so he would start the rubbin’-out boy arter that -one. - -“One evenin’ he happened to ketch that selfsame little rascal hard at -work chalkin’ out the identical sketch on the cooper’s shop door, and -the Parson was so bilin’ mad he chased him all over the village. The -young speculator had bin carryin’ on a lively business, but arter that -discovery thar was a sudden fallin’ away in his income. I tell ye it -made a plag’y stir thar for awhile, and I reckon if Judge Perkins hadn’t -been on my side I’d have been obliged to git out of the place.” - -[Illustration] - - - - - CORA LEE. - - - Would you hear the story told - Of the controversy bold, - That this day I did behold, - In a court of low degree, - Where his Honor sat like fate, - To decide betwixt the state - And a wanton villain’s mate, - Named Cora Lee? - - The bold chief of stars was near, - As a witness to appear. - (By his order, Cora dear - Was languishing below.) - And for counsel she had got - A descendant of old Wat— - Noted for his daring plot, - Some years ago. - - It was he commenced the fuss, - “For,” said he, “by this and thus, - Here I smell an _animus_[1] - As strong as musk of yore; - And it’s my condensed belief, - That in language terse and brief, - I can trace it to the chief, - E’en to his door.” - - Then to all it did appear - That the chief was seized with fear; - To the lawyer he drew near, - And to him muttered low: - “I could never think that ye - Would be quite so hard with me; - You had better let me be, - And travel slow.” - - Then the lawyer quit his chair - As if wasps were buzzing there, - And with quite a tragic air, - Addressed his Honor thus— - “At your hands I claim protection. - Keep your eyes in this direction, - Take cognizance of his action, - This _animus_!” - - Then arose the chief of stars, - And his visage shone like Mars, - When he recks not battle scars, - But charges to the fray. - And his hand began to glide - To his pocket deep and wide, - Where a weapon well supplied - In waiting lay. - -[Illustration: THE CHIEF.] - - “Ho!” he cried, “you shyster hound, - If you go on nosing round - Till an _animus_ you’ve found, - My dear sir, hearken you: - I will open, by my soul! - In your carcass such a hole, - You will think a wagon pole - Has run you through. - - “_You_ would prate about the law? - _You_ would magnify a flaw? - _You_ would touch me on the raw? - So now, sir, say no more! - Keep a padlock on your jaw, - Not a sentence, or I’ll draw, - And I’ll scatter you like straw - Around the floor!” - - Now the Judge’s face grew red - As a turkey gobbler’s head - When a scarlet robe is spread - On the lawn or fence. - “I adjourn the court,” he cried, - “’Till that _animus_ has died, - And is buried head and hide - Far from hence.” - - Then the rush was for the door; - From the corridors they pour,— - Three old women were run o’er - Within the justice hall; - And above the tramp and patter, - And the cursing and the chatter, - And the awful din and clatter, - Rose their squall. - - When the open air was gained, - Then the epithets were rained, - And the passer’s ear was pained - With profanity flung loose, - Back and forth the wordy pair, - Shameless swapped opinions there; - ’Till all parties got their share - Of vile abuse. - - When the man of “briefs” would flee, - Chieftain followed like a bee, - Or a shark a ship at sea - When hunger presses sore; - ’Till, enraged, the lawyer, he - Cried, “If fight you want of me, - Wait with patience minutes three, - Not any more; - - “’Till I hasten up the stair - To my office, and prepare, - Like yourself for rip and tear, - And piling bodies dead. - Then, if you can blaze it faster, - Carve designs for probe or plaster, - Quicker work a soul’s disaster, - Just waltz ahead.” - - But alas! his hasty tongue, - Vulgar name or sentence flung, - And the chieftain’s pride was stung - Down to the marrow bone. - Now upon him, head and tail, - Pitched policemen, tooth and nail, - Hot as bees when they assail - A lazy drone. - - And upon the evening breeze - Rose the “begorras” and the “yees” - Of a dozen Mulroonees, - As they roughly hale - The poor lawyer through the street, - Sometimes lifted from his feet, - Sometimes o’er the noddle beat, - Toward the jail. - - Now upon a truss of straw, - Lies the counsellor-at-law, - Wishing Satan had his paw - On wily Cora Lee. - For himself to grief is brought, - While the _animus_ he sought - Running is, as free as thought, - Or like his fee. - -Footnote 1: - - Private enmity towards the prisoner. - -[Illustration] - - - - - A BRILLIANT FORENSIC EFFORT. - - -Having learned that a highly-educated and respectable lady of this city -had instituted a suit in one of our courts for the purpose of obtaining -a divorce from her husband, I stepped into the hall of justice to learn -how the case progressed. The fact of a young wife demanding a separation -in a country like this, which is proverbial for its separations, is -nothing to be wondered at, and I was considerably surprised, on reaching -the court room, to find it so full of people that I could hardly gain -admittance. I was not so much astonished at the great rush, however, -when informed by the bailiff that the ground on which the lady rested -her case was that her husband snored. As I entered, the plaintiff’s -lawyer commenced addressing the court. He entered into the case with the -spirit and fire of a Clay or a Webster. After reviewing and commenting -largely upon the testimony given in the case, he ended his argument in -the following words:— - -[Illustration: THE ADVOCATE.] - -“Now, sir, whatever other people may think of this application, I take a -bold stand, regardless whose corns or bunions I tread upon, so long as I -put my foot down where it belongs. We have too many snorers among us. -They are in our places of amusement, introducing groans and thunder -where none were intended in the play. We find them in our places of -worship, breaking forth in the midst of the pastor’s prayer, or while he -is picturing to the congregation the wreck of ages and the crash of -worlds. I maintain that this application is a righteous one; that it is -a shot in the right direction, which will in all likelihood eventually -bring down the game; and were I a judge invested with power to decide a -peculiar case of this kind, I would show no hesitation, but grant the -plaintiff her natural and very reasonable request more readily than if -the grounds on which she sued for a separation were drunkenness or -desertion. - -“The absurdity of an irascible wife seeking a divorce from a husband -because he indulges too freely in the flowing bowl must be apparent to -all. She rushes into the crowded court room, and, figuratively speaking, -catches the astonished justice by the ear, as Joab in the extremity of -his distress laid hold upon the horns of the altar, and requests him to -sever the chafing bonds with his legal shears. Again: what a pitiable -lack of discretion that woman exhibits who appeals to the court merely -because her husband deserts her, leaving her to pursue the even tenor of -her way. Why, in nine cases out of ten this is a ‘consummation devoutly -to be wished;’ she is left untrammeled, and has no husband to support. - -“I will not allude to the many other failings which wreck the home and -put out the cheerful light of many a hearthstone. - -“But, sir, it is with no ordinary thrill of pride that I espouse the -cause of the woman who seeks a divorce from a snoring husband. I say, -and I may remark that I say it boldly, that I rejoice it was reserved -for me to raise my voice in her defence. I hold that a man who with -malice aforethought takes from her peaceful home a tender and confiding -maiden without first informing her of his trouble, commits a grave and -unpardonable crime. The dogs of justice should be loosened at his heels -to hound him from Puget’s Sound to Passamaquoddy Bay. He should be made -to repent his villainous act. Think how the tender nerves of a sensitive -creature must be shocked on being awakened by such an outburst. Picture -to yourself her husband, not breathing her name in words of love, but -lying flat on his back, and snoring with the vehemence of a stranded -porpoise. - -“Now, sir, I ask what mercy should be shown the monster who has himself -shown none? He has doomed a fair representative of that sex whose -presence civilizes ours, to an ever new affliction and a life of -perpetual wakefulness. What course can she pursue? There are but two -roads. Which shall she take? One leads to the court room and the other -leads to the cemetery. She must either be freed from her husband or go -down to an untimely grave, perhaps to have her place quickly filled by -another unsuspecting victim. No, your Honor; this man, and I regret to -say it, this husband and father, should not be permitted to destroy the -peace and bright prospects of more than one female. Let it be known to -the world that he has ruined the hopes of a loving wife, let it be -blazoned upon the housetops and upon the fences that he _snores_; then -let him get another mate, if he can. - -[Illustration] - -“The wife should not only have a divorce from the deceptive monster, but -she should have the custody of the children. She deserves them by virtue -of her long suffering and patience, while he who has so heartlessly -deceived her cannot be competent to guide their little feet aright in -the dangerous walks of life. On behalf of this sorrowing wife, all other -wives, and of the wives yet to be, who are ripening into womanhood -around our hearths, I cry separation! In the name of confidence -betrayed, of hopes blasted, and of a life aged before its time, I -repeat, separation! separation!” - -He sank into his seat, and despite the order of the bailiff for “silence -in court,” generous applause swept throughout the room. The judge took -occasion to compliment the lawyer for his able argument, and said it was -the greatest forensic effort he had listened to since he assumed the -responsibilities of his office. The prayer was granted and the children -awarded to the plaintiff. - -[Illustration] - - - - - VISITING A SCHOOL. - - -Accepting an invitation extended by the principal of an uptown school, I -visited that institution to-day. The masses of young humanity a person -finds in these temples of instruction is something amazingly impressive. -Eight or nine hundred scholars are attending the one school on which I -bestowed my attentions to-day. - -[Illustration: HEAD OF HIS CLASS.] - -[Illustration: FOOT OF HER CLASS.] - -This article must be embellished with a faithful sketch of the boy who -stood at the head of his class. How he felt at that moment, I couldn’t -say, never having any experience in the position myself. He looked happy -and confident, however, and snapped eagerly at the words as they fell -from the teacher’s lips, much as a hungry dog does at the crumbs falling -from a table. But my sympathies were decidedly with the little -contortionist who stood mournfully at the foot of her class. I knew how -that was myself. I had been “yar,” and I regretted I wasn’t a -ventriloquist, that I might from afar whisper in her ear, and assist her -over some clogging syllables. If she could have gone into the yard, -where I noticed a scholar of the senior class throwing herself in a -delirium of joy, brought about by a skipping-rope, she would probably -have acquitted herself in a creditable manner, and won the praise of -all, for however inferior a person may be to another in some matters, -when they can choose their game they often reverse the order, and -peradventure the poor stammering scholar could have skipped the skirts -off those jogging ahead of her in the common speller. - - - - - THE REJECTED SUITOR. - - - Not often does a sadder sight - Wake sympathetic strain, - Than glimpse of some rejected wight - Whose suit has proved in vain; - Who often pinched necessities - For bouquets, sweet and rare, - For tickets to the carnival, - The opera, or fair; - -[Illustration: A SUITOR NON-SUITED.] - - Whose pocket oft was visited - The candy box to fill; - The dollar spent that should have gone - To pay his laundry bill. - Especially the case is sad, - If he who seeks a wife - Has, step by step, encroached upon - The shady side of life. - - The fly no darker prospect views - That in the inkstand peers, - Than he, whose unrequited love - Must leak away in tears. - At such a time how ill the smile - Becomes the rival face; - The “ha, ha, ha’s!” the winks and nods, - Seem sadly out of place. - - And then comparisons are drawn - At the expense, no doubt, - Of him whose overflowing cup - Seems full enough without. - While he who moves away, alas! - Of every grace so free, - To criticism opens wide - The door, as all may see. - - His mind is not reflecting now - On fashions, style, or art, - On proper pace, or rules of grace; - But on his slighted heart. - He now but sees his promised joys - All foundering in his view, - His castles tumbling down, that high - In brighter moments grew. - - To know that now those ruby lips - Another’s mouth will press, - And now that soft and soothing hand - Another’s brow caress,— - Oh, dark before, and dark behind, - And full of woe and pain - Is life to him, whose heavy loss - Makes up a rival’s gain. - - The gravel-walk beneath his feet - Cannot too sudden ope’, - To gather in the wretch, who mourns - The death of every hope. - The swallows, whispering in a row, - Seem mocking at his tear, - And in the cawing of the crow - He seems to catch a sneer; - The cattle grazing in the field - Awhile their lunch delay, - To gaze at him, who moves along - In such a listless way. - - Perhaps he’ll know a thousand griefs - Ere death has laid him low. - Perhaps, beside an open grave, - He’ll shed the tear of woe; - Perhaps he’ll turn him from the sods - That hide a mother’s face, - A father’s smile, a brother’s hand, - Or sister’s buried grace; - But there can hardly come a time - When life will look so drear, - Or can so little reason show - Why he should linger here. - - - - - A NIGHT OF TERROR. - - -I am not the oldest inhabitant, and don’t know what sort of storms they -used to have here before the flood; but I’ll wager a corner lot against -a plug of tobacco, that this section, for the last twenty years, has not -snoozed through a rougher night than the one just past. - -It would have been a glorious night for a revivalist to stir up the -masses. Converts would have crowded in like grists to a mill after -harvest. Since the last great earthquake I have not felt so much concern -about my future state as I did about twelve o’clock last night. I arose -from bed, and went to rummaging books, trying to find the description of -a storm that would equal ours. I found the tempest that Tam O’Shanter -faced the night he discovered the witches, and the one in which King -Lear was cavorting around, bare-headed, and that which made Cæsar take -an account of stock and turn to interpreting dreams, and jumbled them -all together; but the product was unequal to the fury that was raging -without. There was no more similarity than a baby’s rattle bears to a -Chinese gong. - -[Illustration: A ROUSING EVENT.] - -Then I fished out the storm that howled while Macbeth was murdering -Duncan, and tumbled it in with the others. This addition made things -about even. The “lamentations heard i’ the air” of Macbeth’s tempest -were a fair precedent of the clamorous uproar from the fire bell in the -City Hall tower. Only an earthquake was lacking to enable us to say, -“The earth was feverous, and did shake,” or boast a night outvieing four -of the roughest on record, all woven into one. - -It had one good effect, however—one for which poison and boot-jacks have -been tried in vain: it did silence the dogs and cats. Their midnight -carousals were as rare as they were in Paris just before the -capitulation. Quarrelsome curs postponed the settlement of their little -differences and defiant barks until such times as they would be able to -discover themselves whether they barked or yawned, and cats sought other -places besides a fellow’s window-sill to express opinions about each -other or chant their tales of love. - -I know the rain is refreshing, the wind purifying, the lightning grand, -and the thunder awe-inspiring; but as the poor land-lubber advised, when -he was clinging to the spar of the wrecked vessel, “Praise the sea, but -keep on land,” so I say to those people who want to prick up their -willing ears, like a war-horse, to catch the sublime rumble of heaven’s -artillery, or sit by their window and blink at the blazing sky, like a -bedazzled owl at a calcium light; but I know _one_ individual who could -have got along quite as well if there had raged no war of the elements. -He would have slept soundly and never mourned for what he had lost. - - - - - MY DRIVE TO THE CLIFF. - - -I am wofully out of humor, and what is worse, out of pocket, and have -just been settling a bill for repairs to a buggy which was knocked out -of kilter on the Cliff House road the other day. At the present writing -I feel that it will be some time before I take the chances of injuring -another. The moon may fill her horn and wane again, the seals howl, and -the ocean roar, but I will hardly indulge in the luxury of a drive to -the beach for many a day to come. I had a couple of ladies with me. -Splendid company ladies are—so long as they have unlimited confidence in -your skill as a driver. But they try one’s patience after they lose -faith, and want to get the lines in their own hands every time you -chance to run a wheel into the ditch, or accidentally climb over a pig -or calf. Those who were with me on that occasion are not particularly -loud in their praise of my driving. The fact is, I didn’t acquit myself -in a manner calculated to draw down encomiums in showers upon my head. I -drove a span that day. They were called high-strung animals. But I don’t -like high-strung horses any more. If they would only run along the track -like a locomotive, I could hold the ribbons as gracefully as anybody; -but I am very much opposed to all of their little by-plays. This getting -scared at a floating thistle-down, or grasshopper swinging on a straw, -is something I don’t approve of in a horse. There is no reason in it; no -profit accrues from it. - -But my trotters were frightened at different objects at the same -moment—one at a snail peacefully pursuing his way across the road, and -the other at a butterfly winging his wabbling flight along the ditch. At -once they became unmanageable, and vied with each other in extravagant -antics. From the first the ladies had no very exalted opinion of my -manner of handling the lines. Even before we were well under way I had -the misfortune to run down a calf. Then a Newfoundland dog thought to -stop the buggy by taking hold of one of the hubs, but he made a -mis-dive, and shoving his head between the spokes, kept us company for -twenty rods without any effort on his part whatever. I also ran over a -wheelbarrow loaded with bricks (the Irishman escaped with a crushed -hat), and overthrew an apple woman’s stand while turning a corner. I can -yet hear ringing in my ear the shouts and execrations of the old vender, -when she saw the wheels mounting her baskets and squeezing the cider out -of her choicest bellflowers. Until I passed the next street I could look -back and see the old lady in her embarrassing situation. There she sat, -caught under the broken table, and kicking about wildly in frantic -efforts to free herself, while her bonnet was knocked askew by the fall -and stuck on one side of her head in the most jaunty position -imaginable. - -[Illustration: SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSING.] - -At this point the horses became more frightened, and commenced cutting -up strange didos. Things were getting badly mixed, so much so that one -horse turned his head to the dasher. The ladies took a hurried view of -the situation, and voting me an incompetent driver, began to desert me -by back-action movements over the rear end of the buggy. - -[Illustration: BADLY MIXED.] - -I shall always think that I could have managed the animals without any -difficulty if they had not both been frightened at the same time. But -with one bucking like a Mexican plug, evidently bent on crawling under -the buggy, and the other seemingly striving to reach the stars by an -invisible ladder, they were indeed difficult to control. - -My companions concluded they had sufficient buggy riding for one day, -and took the cars into town, while I patched up the harness as best I -could, and returned to the livery stable, fully concurring with the -women folks that as a driver I was not a success, and that hereafter -promenades would suit me better. - -[Illustration] - - - - - SECOND SIGHT. - - -A singular case of second sight occurred in the western part of the city -last evening while I was there. An old Irishman named McSweegan, who -lives in that locality, is the possessor of a multiplying pair of eyes. -That is, they have the strange faculty of making two objects of one. -This natural endowment is particularly distinguishable after he has been -indulging freely in strong decoctions of old rye. - -Yesterday he was attending a primary election, at which he expected to -be brought before the public as a candidate for a fat local office. An -influential friend had been intrusted with the highly important and -vital mission of bringing his name before the delegates, for which -service he was to receive some petty office if the election was -effected. McSweegan stood back in a recess of the hall, hat in hand, -impatiently waiting to hear the familiar name pronounced. In fancy, he -already listened to the shout of applause that would follow his -nomination. But he stood with a quiet smile and an attentive ear in -vain. Candidate after candidate was announced, but the ancient and -honorable name of McSweegan thrilled not his auricular nerves. The -ticket was at last declared full, and he was not one of the happy -number. His friend had played him false—to use a common expression, “had -gone back on him,” and he was justly indignant. - -On his way home he took Lethean draughts in which to drown his trouble -and keen disappointment, and by the time he reached his clap-board front -was in capital condition for seeing double. The hour was late as he -entered his house, but he found his industrious better half sitting at a -table sewing by the flicker of a tallow candle. His red and multiplying -optics were riveted by the wannish flame, which to him had the semblance -of two well-defined and separate lights. This was an extravagance that -he could not countenance. To have found his wife up at such a late hour -would have been severe enough strain upon his already ruffled temper, -for he had no wish to discuss the result of the “Primary.” But to find -her needlessly consuming _two_ candles showed a wastefulness on her -part, evincing an utter disregard for the low condition of his -exchequer. He was exceedingly provoked, and with a view of curtailing -home expenses, attempted to puff out one of the flames. - -[Illustration: THE ECONOMIST SEEING DOUBLE.] - -After several ineffectual attempts, in which he scorched his whiskers -and eyebrows, he succeeded, but found himself enveloped in Egyptian -darkness. His rage increased. He at once accused his wife of blowing out -the “other candle” through spite. Her contradictions only fanned his -fury, and the performance ended by putting her out of the house and -keeping her out all night—for which unhusbandly treatment she had him -arrested, and he now languishes in the lock-up. - - - - - THE THIEF. - - - Richard Roe was a thief, whose temptation to steal - Always grew more resistless when wanting a meal; - Once he entered a store, when no person was by, - Took a box of sardines, and attempted to fly; - But, although he could slope when occasion required, - Like a stag to a stream when the forest is fired, - The scoundrel was spotted and nabbed at the door, - By officers Murphy, McMannus and Moore; - And away to the jail, midst a crowd you should see, - Went the thief, the sardines, and the officers three. - - The next day came his hearing, and people were there - From all stations in life, on the prisoner to stare: - There were gamblers, street-pavers, stevedores, undertakers, - Ship-chandlers, brick-masons, and umbrella makers, - Corn-doctors, reporters, clerks, tailors, and teachers, - Fruit-peddlers, horse-trainers, clairvoyants, and preachers; - A few women also jammed in with the rest, - With their bonnets awry, and their clothing sore pressed, - And their uplifted faces, perspiring and red, - Full ear-deep in the back of some person ahead; - And like peas in a kettle, or bees in a hive— - Ever shifting position—so they were alive; - All impatiently wedging around in a stew, - In the hope they could better their chance for a view; - This one grumbling because some one crowded so near - That he shot his hot breath in the depths of his ear; - That one cursing because some one’s elbow so rude - On his ribs was inclined to encroach and intrude; - And another one howling and looking forlorn, - Just because some one trod on his favorite corn; - Over all the hoarse voice of the bailiff did wheeze: - “Order! order in the court, gentlemen, if you please!” - - Six feet two, if an inch, and proportioned in size, - Stood the thief in the dock, when the clerk bid him rise; - And amongst all that crowd not a man could be found - With his shoulders so square and a physique so sound. - -[Illustration: RICHARD ROE, THE SARDINE THIEF.] - - First, around on the lawyers and officers there - He defiantly gazed with a bold, brazen air; - And then, turning around, stared the Judge in the face, - As though _he_ was the thief and the rogue in the case. - The stern Judge ran his eyes the unmoved villain o’er, - From the crown of his head to his feet on the floor— - While the rogue seemed to study with critical care - The time-honored “Court,” with his thin crop of hair. - - For five minutes or more, it’s my candid belief - That the thief eyed the Judge, and the Judge eyed the thief; - As two rivals, long parted, in some foreign land - By mischance blown together, each other they scanned; - While there rose from the concourse no perceptible sound, - Not a whisper or yawn, even, circled around. - But a charnel-house calm o’er the room seemed to fall, - Till the flies could be heard on the plastering crawl— - Till beneath the rogue’s stare the Court’s visage grew red. - But down-choking his rising resentment, he said:— - “Richard Roe”—and he spoke quite emphatic and slow, - As though weighing each word before letting it go— - And inclined his head downward, as men often do - When they look over spectacles rather than through— - “Richard Roe, you have come to the surface once more, - Like the ghost to the feast of the monarch of yore; - I have lectured, imprisoned and fined you in vain— - You will still depredate, and confront me again. - From the door of the jail to the till of a store - There is simply one pace unto you, and no more; - - As the dog to his vomit, the sow to her mire, - You will glide, the born slave of your fiendish desire; - By my oath, it’s a sin, a disgrace, and a shame; - With your shoulders so broad, and so robust your frame, - With your arms like a Hercules, muscled and strong, - With your wind like a stag-hound’s, so perfect and long, - To earn a support you’re possessed of all means— - And yet you’ve been stealing a box of sardines. - -[Illustration: THE JUDGE.] - - “I have worked my way onward, year out and year in, - Among characters blackened and blistered with sin; - Amongst men I’d have quaked to have met in a lane, - As I would the arch demon, relieved of his chain; - But I’m frank to confess, and I’d state it as free - On a Bible as large as a bed, if need be, - In my thirty years’ practice, on Bench or at Bar, - A thief more consummate and bold than you are - I have never encountered, in county or town, - Among whites, copper-colored, or greasers done brown; - You’re as prone to purloin as an eagle to fly, - Or a salmon to swim, or a lover to sigh; - Not an esculent known, or utensil of use, - From a cantaloupe down to the quill of a goose, - From a tripe in the stall to a fowl in the coop, - But at some time or other in your life you did scoop.” - - And as if in assent, Richard Roe bowed his head, - While the Judge wiped his face, and continuing, said: - “Here so often, of late, you have taken the stand, - To give answer for larcenies, petty or grand, - That your face has become as familiar to all - The practitioners here as the clock on the wall;” - Here he pointed it out, and a glance at it threw; - And bold Richard turned round and regarded it too, - While full back to his ears a grim smile slowly broke, - For, despite his position, he relished the joke. - “I regret that our law draws the limiting line, - For it seems but a farce to impose a small fine, - Or to send you below for a week or ten days, - To recline on a mat and hatch future forays. - - “But since neither the gloom of the prison, nor fine, - Seems to work a reform in that bosom of thine, - I will try a new method—throw justice one side, - And appeal to your manhood, your honor, and pride; - It is said kindness conquers where knuckles will fail, - And a pardon may faster reform than the jail; - - Since the stock-raiser advocates crossing the breed, - And the farmer finds profit by changing the seed, - Who can tell but a change may regenerate you— - So we offer you mercy where none is your due. - - “Mr. Sheriff! release that purloiner! as free - As the wind that awakes the dull ocean, is he. - But, sir, hark! Richard Roe, ere you mix with the throng, - Take this friendly advice from one knowing you long: - And in future, whenever your stomach does feel - Like digesting a fish, take a rod, and a reel, - A few hooks, a fine line, and of gentles a few, - And go catch your own fry, as all good people do; - For you’ll find it more wholesome to follow a creek, - And there angle for trout seven days of the week, - Than to strive to obtain by unwarranted means - E’en a box of diminutive, oily sardines.” - - Subdued was bold Richard, he gazed in surprise, - And trembled, while tears welled fast from his eyes, - As he vowed that henceforth the right course he’d pursue; - And Roe is now honest, trustworthy, and true. - -[Illustration] - - - - - A STARTLING CAT-ASTROPHE. - - “Methought I heard a voice cry, ‘Sleep no more.’” - —_Shakespeare._ - - -Last night, soon after retiring, I was made aware of the exceedingly -annoying fact that a pair of cats had selected the yard under my window -for their trysting-place, and were behaving in a most demonstrative -manner. - -I have no objection to cats having their courtships as well as men; but -I see no reason in their having such a hoodooing time over it, making -night hideous with rascally yowls. There is, perhaps, nothing more -aggravating in life than to have a little saucy spit-fire of a puss keep -a whole community awake for hours together, because an admirer of hers -happens to take a moonlight stroll on a neighboring fence. - -The night wore on. Their inharmonious chants increased in volume and -spirit. Considering the matter, I came to the conclusion that I would -rather pay the fine imposed for shooting in the city limits than lose so -many hours from needed rest. - -I hastened to procure my shot-gun, determined to make a scattering -amongst them, if nothing more. As I reached the casement, a bright flash -from the window of an adjoining house, and a simultaneous patter of shot -in the yard, informed me that some co-sufferer had taken the initiative -in the good work of demolition; for though wrought to the highest pitch -of ferocity, his nerves were steady and his aim was sure. - -He evidently hit them where their nine lives were centered, and they -dropped as they stood when the fatal tube was leveled. In short— - - They died as erring cats should die— - Without a kick, without a cry; - The faintest rustle in the chips, - A slight contraction of the lips, - Which brought the pointed teeth in sight, - And they had passed to endless night. - -Even as I write (ten o’clock A. M.) they are lying in the yard as they -fell, a terrible illustration of sudden transition from noisy debate to -silent repose. There they lie, to compare small things with great, like -a pair of shipwrecked lovers, who have clung to each other through fire -and water, and at last have reached the wreck-strewed beach in body, but -not in spirit. - -The gentleman who owns the yard has just been out looking at them. After -silently surveying the dead for a long time in silence, he walked away -without disturbing them, pathetically murmuring the Latin motto, -“_Requies-cat in pace._” - - - - - A TRIP TO THE MOUNTAINS. - - -I have been taking a flying trip over the Sierras about which the poet -so mellifluously sings. There were many beautiful scenes presented -during that trip, but abler pens than mine have described them fully, -and have done them justice, so I will not attempt to set forth their -various charms. It is not my _forte_, anyway, and I am free to confess -the fact. Enough for me to describe the excellent lunch which I had the -good fortune to have along with me, and to speak plainly, I enjoyed it -the most of anything I saw during my trip. It was no ordinary lunch, -however. The back-bone of it was a nicely-roasted chicken, which -reflected great credit upon both the poulterer and the kind-hearted -young lady who volunteered to see it through the oven. Ah, that brisk -little lady can prepare a dish fit to set before the gods. If that is -not doing her justice, tell me what more can be said, and I will pile it -higher. She is worthy of it. - -The virtues of that fowl live in my memory yet. It was good. If you -could meet an old lady that was a passenger in that car—not the one with -the bunion on her left foot and the crockery teeth, who mistook me for a -minister, but the mild old lady with glasses that sat opposite me—she -would tell you the same. _She_ knows. Bless her gentle heart! If she -doesn’t, I would like to know who does. She partook of the fowl. I saw -her looking wistfully upon it as I dismembered it, and, though I say it -myself, I am not greedy, by any means, so I offered her the juicy neck. -Did she take it? Ask, rather, if a cat that had fasted a week would take -a mouse if she got between him and his hole? As old Shylock said, “Are -you answered?” She was no novice at picking the neck of a fowl, either. -She manipulated it in a manner that proved to me clearly she had a -perfect knowledge of its construction. It was not long—perhaps ten -seconds—before she had it picked as bare as a corkscrew. She did it with -such ease, too; and that’s what got me. She kept it revolving as rapidly -as a squirrel does the cylinder in his cage. She had but one front tooth -left in her upper jaw. The intelligent mind will no doubt immediately -picture forth a _long_ tooth; and the intelligent mind, in so doing, -portrays the incisor correctly. It was, indeed, a long tooth, but it was -just the thing she needed for the business before her. It seemed to be -specially made for it, as it fitted into every depression or notch in -the neck as nicely as a key into a lock. It ran around between the -vertebræ like a turner’s chisel, throwing the small particles of -nutriment far back against the roof of her mouth. It did me good to see -her play around that fowl’s neck. I grew young again while beholding the -busy scene, and actually regretted that a chicken did not have two -necks, as well as two legs, that I might repeat the generous donation, -and see the pleasing scene enacted again. As it was, I won golden -opinions from the old lady. - -[Illustration: NECK TO NECK.] - -A stout German woman who sat near by also seemed to be looking upon the -chicken as though she would like to help me make away with it. With that -magnanimity which was ever my peculiar characteristic, I severed the -pope’s nose from the trunk and proffered her the delicious morsel, when, -to my utter astonishment and confusion, she whipped out of her pocket a -big bologna sausage the size of a stuffed club, and shook it -triumphantly in my face, so close that it might have greased the end of -my nose. She actually scouted the idea. Independent, proud and -self-sustaining, these Germans, and no mistake. She evidently felt -insulted, and delivered herself of a long essay in the German tongue. -She was undoubtedly giving me to understand that she was able to furnish -grists for her own mill. Of course that is what she meant. I could tell -that by the way she flourished the bologna, and pointed to her mouth and -stomach. I expected she was about to whack me over the jaw with the -singular looking weapon, and prepared to dodge on the shortest possible -notice. But she didn’t. As if to madden me, she commenced eating the -sausage in a hasty, excited manner, taking about two inches at a bite. -What could I do? What did I do? Why, let her eat it, of course; it was -none of my business. I had no objection, so long as she didn’t choke, -and render it necessary for me to pat her upon the back, which I -certainly thought I would have to do before she finished her meal. - -You may be sure I offered no more chicken to any person after that, but -picked the bones as bare as pen-holders. If she liked bologna better -than a choice piece of fowl, it was her fault, not mine. I washed my -hands of the whole affair. - -I stopped a few hours at a mill in the mountains, and while there -witnessed an amusing incident. There was a small pipe leading from the -engine, and projecting through the side of the building close to the -ground. Through this pipe the waste water was conveyed from the engine, -and at the end of it quite a puddle or drain had been formed, about a -foot in width and eight or ten feet in length. The constant dripping -from the pipe kept the water warm, and from it a steam was continually -rising. There were several Indian camps in the vicinity of the mill, and -as wood was rather scarce, the squaws belonging to the camps were in the -habit of congregating around this warm drain when the cold weather -numbed their poorly protected limbs. It was not an unusual thing to see -half a dozen coming down the hill to squat beside the drain, and there -sit for hours discussing the current topics of the day, enjoying at the -same time the luxury of a cheap steam bath. - -There were a couple sitting at the drain in this innocent manner while I -was at the mill. I called the engineer’s attention to the capital -opportunity that lay before him to give them a surprise that would be -fun to behold. This he could do by simply turning a gauge cock and -allowing the steam to go out with a rush upon the squatting pair. The -engineer was a sober sort of man, not at all given to humor, and not -inclined to take advantage of the opportunity. But when I informed him -that I represented an illustrated paper and wanted to make a stirring -sketch of the scene, he consented for my benefit. As he went to comply -with my suggestion, I moved to the window to see how the squaws would -enjoy it. I had hardly reached my position when the steam shot along the -surface of the water like smoke from the muzzle of a rifle. At the same -instant the gentle savages shot at least four feet into the air, in the -most extravagant positions imaginable. Until that moment I would not -have believed the human form could assume such strange attitudes on such -short notice. If I had not been intently gazing upon the pair as they -sat chatting sociably over the drain, and had my eyes riveted upon them -as they shot aloft, I could hardly have thought the two dark figures -performing such grotesque evolutions in mid air were indeed human -beings. - -[Illustration: STEAM LET ON.] - -The steam was harmless, as it had to go quite a distance before -escaping, but the squaws didn’t understand anything about that, you -know. No person had enlightened their untutored minds upon that point, -and they didn’t sit there very long in order to ascertain; for the sake -of the squaws, however, let us hope that it was. One thing they -evidently _did_ feel certain about, and that was that something had -broken loose, and that, too, at a very inopportune moment. The thought -that followed close upon the heels of the other was to change their -position in the shortest possible time. If they both had been shot into -the air out of one mortar they could hardly have shown greater concert -of action. If there was any difference in their sensitiveness or -agility, the one farthest from the pipe seemed to claim the superiority, -for, as near as I could judge, she was first to spring aloft. The back -of one was towards me, and the face of the other. Though quite a -distance from them, I could distinguish the white eyes of the latter -standing out as prominently as a pair of silver-headed nails in the end -of a mahogany coffin. - -It may be argued that this was a mean trick. It may even be said that it -was a sinful act. I admit all this; nay, more, it may be that I will -have to answer for it hereafter, when you, and they, and all of us, have -ceased to be interested in things pertaining to the flesh; but in the -face of this supposition, I must still adhere to the original assertion -that it was indeed an amusing incident, and will go further and say that -as yet I have not been brought down to that perfect state of repentance -where I could sincerely say that I regretted having been the instigator -of the deed. - -I never learned whether the squaws returned to the drain again, but, -judging from the way they hustled over the hill in the direction of -their camp, I am inclined to think not. - -While coming down the river there was quite an excitement on board, on -account of the steamer grounding suddenly upon the “Hog’s Back.” She was -running pretty fast at the time, and the sudden stop threw several -passengers off their feet, and for a few moments all was confusion. I -was partly disrobed at the time, and the first thought that entered my -mind was that we had collided with some schooner on its way up the -river. Before leaving, a gentleman placed a lady and two small children -in my charge, and my first act was to run to the state-room in which -they were. I found the lady preparing for rest, but the children were -already in bed. Without much ceremony, I seized a child in each hand, -and bidding the lady to follow, started to deposit them near the davits, -that they might be handy to throw into the boats in case we were -compelled to take to them. - -[Illustration: “BLOW ME UP!”] - -While hastening through the cabin I was confronted by a terrified woman -in her nightclothes, who jumped out of her state-room as I was passing -the door. In her hands she grasped the nozzle of a large life preserver, -which she had buckled around her, and which only needed to be inflated -with wind to make her comparatively safe. No sooner did she see me than -she commenced dancing frantically around me in the most insane manner, -at the same time shouting with all the strength of her voice: “Blow me -up! blow me up! for the love of heaven, Mister, blow me up!” But I had -enough to do at that moment without stopping to “blow her up.” Besides, -I didn’t know but I might have to swim to the shore, and would, -consequently, need what little wind I could muster to bear me through -the task. Before proceeding far, however, I met the mate, who told me to -put the children back in bed and go soak my head, or do anything that -would keep me from making an unmitigated fool of myself, with which -kindly suggestion I meekly complied. - -[Illustration] - - - - - AN IMPATIENT UNDERTAKER. - - -Now and then we come across a scoundrel, an inhuman wretch, of such -magnitude that we are inclined, like Bassanio, to waver in our faith, -and hold opinion with Pythagoras, that being the only hypothesis by -which we are enabled to account for their being possessed of such -brutish natures. For example: An undertaker was pointed out to me to-day -who follows so close in the wake of death that he quite often appears in -advance of the grim leveler, and secures, if possible, the job of -burying the body while yet the person is alive, much as he would bespeak -a quarter of beef of his neighbor before the animal was butchered. This -individual heard that a man was about to die in the County Hospital, and -learning that the only friend of the sick man was about to leave the -city, he hunted him up and solicited the job of performing the last sad -rites for his friend when death should have gathered him in. - -The request was unthinkingly granted, and sufficient money to cover the -expenses of the burial was placed in the hands of a third party, who was -to pay it to the undertaker when the obsequies were performed. The man -of coffins departed, smiling over his success. The only thing that -remained now between him and a fat profit was the man’s life; but this -was only a slim barrier and likely to fall at every breath of air. He -paid semi-daily visits to the hospital to learn how the disease was -developing. - -Each morning as he arose and looked out upon the cold fog hanging over -the city, he rubbed his hands with delight, and chuckled as he thought -how impossible it would be for the sick man to live through such a -disagreeable day. “It’s not in the nature of the disease to allow it,” -he argued. “If he is not gone already, he will be as stiff as a -piston-rod before ten o’clock, or I am no judge of cause and effect.” - -But somehow the last thread of life was indeed a tough one, and held out -wonderfully. One, two and three days dragged by, and still the invalid’s -cough waked the echoes of the corridors and halls of the hospital. This -annoyed the anxious undertaker terribly. - -“What if he should recover, and cheat me out of the money, after all?” -thought he, as he sat in his gloomy office and gazed about upon the -coffins standing on their ends around the room. - -Then his small gray eyes lingered longer upon the cheap burial case in -the corner—which he thought would about fit the man in the hospital. -“There’s no use of this delay,” he muttered to himself. “There must be -some outside influence brought to bear upon him, and that immediately, -or the fellow may linger along through the whole winter, and keep the -money lying idle that is now almost within my reach.” Taking a tape -measure in his pocket, he repaired at once to the hospital, and gained -admittance to the sick man’s room. - -The poor fellow was lying apparently in the last stages of that -deceptive disease, consumption. But instead of thinking he was so far -gone that his obsequies had actually commenced, he was promising himself -long, happy years of life and usefulness. The unfeeling scoundrel -approached the bed and deliberately proceeded to measure the poor fellow -for his last outfit, in the meantime keeping up a sort of rattling -conversation, like the following: “Hello! old boy; so you’re going to -peg out, eh? Well, it’s a road that sooner or later we’ve all got to -travel; so there’s no use of a feller making any bones over it. Rather -young, though, to have to stiffen out; without even having the pleasure -of being married—there won’t be no such enjoyment where you’re going, -the Scripture tells us. There—that’s a good fellow; stretch out full -length, so that I can get a correct measure. If there is anything I do -dislike it is to see a corpse stuck into a coffin that’s too short by a -few inches. I would rather pinch a fellow a little in width than in -length, ’cause it doesn’t cripple a corpse up so bad. There—that’s it to -a dot; five feet nine and a quarter, with half an inch allowed for the -stretching out of the joints just as you are going off. You know a -fellow elongates a little about that time, so I always make some -allowance when I measure a live man for his coffin. Now for the depth, -my hearty! Jerusalem! a general caving in all along the line, eh? Why, -you’re as flat as a griddle-cake. Ah! that consumption is the thing that -plays hob with a fellow! it _is_, my boy, there’s no use denying it. It -scoops a person out mighty quick, I can tell you. Four and -three-quarters—four and a-half—pinch measurement. Why, blow me, if it -doesn’t seem like a waste of material to give you the standard depth. If -it wasn’t for your long feet I would be inclined to shallow a little on -you, old boy! Let me think now,—why, what a numbskull I am, to be sure: -I can twist your feet crosswise a little, and make a go of it like a -charm; but hold on,—no, I can’t do it after all, for there’s your nose -sticking up at t’other end, and it wouldn’t hardly be doing the fair -thing by you to twist your head around ear up, for the sake of saving a -few inches of material, no sir e-e. I wouldn’t do that sort of thing to -the deadest corpse I ever screwed a lid over; I’ll do the fair thing by -a man, be he dead or living, though it should keep me poor. I can give -you the juvenile handles, though, for you don’t weigh any more than a -Cape Ann codfish. - -[Illustration: BUSINESS IS BUSINESS.] - -“You’re going off the reel at a favorable time, too, for I’ve been -wishing for a chance to give my light team an airing, for some time. Old -Skidamadink over on Market street, I hear, is going to take out a stiff -one to-morrow afternoon also, and no doubt he will be trying to forge -ahead of me the way he did yesterday when I had the spavined grays -along; but he’ll find out that he has got to limber up a little -differently when Moll and Kate are stuck in his flank. He wouldn’t have -shook me off yesterday, if I hadn’t that soggy old sea captain aboard. -He seemed to grow heavier the longer I kept him. If there is any one -thing I dislike more than another it is a pussy corpse. It is bad enough -to have a fat person about you while living, but when they come to peter -out it’s worse,—you can’t chuck them under the ground too quick. I had -the old emblem of mortality packed away in an ice chest for three weeks, -waiting for his wife to come down from the Mountains to attend the -funeral, but she finally sent down word that she had got married again, -and if she knew the duties of a wife—and she thought she did—her place -was alongside of a living husband rather than traipsing after a dead -one. Oh! these women are terribly slippery sweetmeats the world over. -How fast they get over anything, crying one minute and singing the next. -Well, well, I often wonder whether they have the genuine feeling that we -men have. - -“Well, business is business. There—now let me fold your arms across -until I get the width; so we go, so we go, steady, there you are, that’s -it, that’s the posish; natural and easy as death itself. Whew! there it -is again, never knew it to fail, follows as naturally as the fruit does -the blossom; broad across the shoulders, sure sign of consumption; show -me a person broader at the shoulders than at the hips and I will show -you an individual that is not long for this world; never knew a person -of that build that didn’t die of consumption; never, sir; bound to cave, -no getting around or climbing over it; might as well be knocked in the -head at birth, for they are sure to go some time. - -“Well, time is crowding, I must be off, as I’ve got to rustle around in -order to have things ready for you. I’ll expect to find you over your -troubles in the morning, so I’ll say good-bye now, while you can -appreciate it.” - -Thus did the inhuman scoundrel rattle along while his poor victim lay -paralyzed with fear; hope, at every word uttered by the monster, -deserting his breast, and despair usurping the vacant seat. With gaping -mouth and wide open eyes he watched each movement of the undertaker. His -face seemed to be all eyes as he stared at the bustling trader in death. - -The hope of the visitor was, that a speedy death would follow this -disconsolate harangue; but happy to relate, patients sometimes recover -after doctors have devoted them to the yew-tree shade; and strange as it -may seem, the patient in question suddenly improved, as though -frightened by the undertaker into health instead of into his coffin. - -The next day he sat up in bed. On the second he sat by the window. The -third day he took an airing on the veranda, and passed the time of day -with the undertaker who happened to be going by. In ten days he took his -carpetbag in his hand and bade good-bye to both doctors and undertaker, -and started to join his friend in the country. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - - SERMON ON A PIN. - - - Give me that simple shining pin, - So worthless in your hand, - Here on my desk a place to win - And as a lesson stand. - Think you no moral may be found - In such a common thing? - That Fancy will not hover ‘round - And apt allusions bring? - - The Poet, with observing eyes, - Saw sermons in a stone; - So in this pin a sermon lies, - Of philosophic tone. - We see it first, where placed in rows, - The pins lie side and side; - So children, wrapped in sweet repose, - In peaceful homes reside. - - Soon from the rest it travels west, - Or east, by land or sea; - So loving households part in quest - Of pleasure, fame or fee. - Observe it well, with sober mind; - The head, you see, is flat; - Thus many heads in life you’ll find, - Beneath a stylish hat. - - When new, how perfect, straight and neat, - How finished, and how sound; - So stands the upright man complete, - With virtues circled ‘round. - It has a point, and mission, too, - ’Tis seldom made in vain; - So men should have a point in view - If they would glory gain. - - If wrongly placed ‘twill mar your thought, - When one would fain be still; - So man, if badly bred or taught, - Will treat his neighbor ill. - Its life of constant service tends - To keep it clean and bright; - Thus men are kept, my loving friends, - By application, right. - - ’Tis polished, like a sword or spear, - And in the light will shine; - Thus men of learning do appear, - Where wit and sense combine. - It moves around from coat to dress, - As trouble one befalls; - Thus men should hearken to distress, - And go where duty calls. - - It oft assists to hide one’s shame - Till needles can repair; - Thus should it be the Christian’s aim - To cover faults with care. - - If once ’tis sprung, ‘twill bend each day, - And is no longer true; - So thus in life, one step astray - Will often lead to two. - When bent, and blunt, and black at last, - Who stoops to lift the pin? - So thus the crowds do hurry past - The crooked slave of sin. - -[Illustration] - - - - - DUDLEY’S FIGHT WITH THE TEXAN. - - -The poor cur, kicked and scalded during the day, at night can lie and -lick his sores in peace. The scudding hare that can hold out ahead of -the baying beagles, until black Hecate waves her wand between the -hunters and the hunted, may hope to shake them off. The aeronaut, tiring -of the clamor here below, can rise above the busy haunts of men and hold -sweet communion with the gods in quiet. But I, alas, find no escape from -the inexorable plague, “Jim Dudley.” - -He comes upon me like a thief in the night and mars my rest. Within the -holy sanctuary even, he whispers in mine ear. Through the busy marts and -thoroughfares he haunts me still; and tells of fights and hair-breadth -escapes, with all the glibness of an old battle-scarred veteran who has -primed his firelock in three campaigns. He talks of drawing deadly -weapons as a dentist would of drawing teeth. In all likelihood the -fellow never drew a weapon in his life, except, perhaps, at a raffle. I -had long noticed a scar on “Jim’s” forehead, but never ventured to ask -him how he got it, fearing a story would follow. Last night he detected -me looking inquiringly, and without any query on my part the following -infliction fell upon me:— - -“You see that scar that looks somethin’ like a wrinkle, over my left -eyebrow, don’t ye? Wal, you can’t guess how I come by that. Cow kicked -me? No, not by a long chalk, nor a hoss nuther. I got that scar the -summer I was gwine through Texas. I’ll not forget how I got it nuther in -a hurry, for I never did have sech a narrow dodge since the night dad’s -old house burned down and I got out through the cellar drain. - -“I was travelin’ towards the border of Texas, gwine away back of Waco, -and arter I got as far as cars would take me I set out on hossback. One -evenin,’ jest as I was gettin’ into a small village, my hoss got one of -his legs into a hole in the road, and fallin’ over, broke it snap off -below the knee. I felt mi’ty bad over it, because I didn’t have any too -much money about me; but I had to leave him thar and go into the village -on foot, carryin’ the saddle along, for I cal’lated to git another -animal the next day and continue my journey. I put up for the night at a -small hotel, and thar was quite a number of fellers a settin’ around the -bar-room talkin’; but amongst ’em was one big, ugly-looking villain, -with a glass eye that was continewally droppin’ out and rollin’ across -the floor like a marble. Pupil up and pupil down, it would move along -under chairs and tables, the most comical lookin’ thing you ever sot -eyes on. He would walk after the truant, glarin’ around with the other -eye as though watchin’ to see if anybody was laughin’ at him. Then he -would pick it up and chuck it back into his head ag’in, as if it was a -pipe that had dropped out of his mouth. - -“He seemed to be a bully amongst ’em, for when any of the other fellows -went to pass they circled around him, somethin’ like a woman around a -hoss standin’ on the sidewalk. I judged by that they were skeered of -him, and didn’t want to git anywhere near his corns lest they might -accidentally touch ’em. - -[Illustration: BILL AFTER HIS GLASS EYE.] - -“I sat thar watchin’ of him for some time, and at last, while he was -leanin’ on the counter beatin’ time with his fingers on top of it, a -feller come in and called for somethin’ to drink. - -“The bar-tender gin him the bottle and he poured out a drink and left -the glass settin’ on the counter, while he turned around to drop his -quid of terbacker. As he was doin’ it the big, bully-lookin’ customer -h’isted the glass, drained it right thar, and smacked and licked his -lips arter it as though wishin’ thar was more of it,—somethin’ like a -young widder arter ye give her a kiss. - -“The feller that ordered the drink turned back, wipin’ his mouth, -gettin’ ready to swaller. When he see the empty glass he riz up sort of -indignantly, and was agwine to say or do somethin’, but when he see who -it was, he changed his mind pooty sudden, and settlin’ down about six -inches, turned around and jest slid away easy like out of the room. As -he was gwine out I could see his ears looked as though they were -freezin’, for they were gettin’ whiter and whiter as he moved along down -the steps. As I was thinkin’ about it, a ministerial-lookin’ man come -edgin’ up to me and ses:— - -“‘You’re a stranger in this quarter, I believe, and let me gin you a -little advice; it may prove valuable to ye before you git away from -yer.’ - -“‘Why, what’s the matter?’ I asked, wonderin’ what he was comin’ at, -‘have you got the smallpox in the house?’ I contin’ed. - -“‘Smallpox!’ he answered. ‘Wuss nor that, stranger; for the love of -peace,’ he contin’ed, ‘keep clear of that feller at the counter. Let him -hev his way. You mout as well undertake to cross a crater as him in any -of his bullyin’ tantrums. Now mind I’m tellin’ ye. If his eye falls out, -don’t laugh at it, don’t betray yer emotions. - -“‘If he steps on yer corns, take it as if old Jupiter hisself had -reached down his foot and trod on ye, and you’ll come out of it better -than if you _did_ object, a mi’ty sight.’ - -“‘Who is he?’ I inquired. - -“‘Why, that’s Bill Cranebow,—Glass-eyed Bill, they call him. He’s had -more fights over that glass eye of his’n than ever a dog had over a -sheep’s shank. - -“‘Everybody’s afeared of him. They hate him wuss than a lawyer does a -peacemaker. No one who knows him wants to undertake the job of gettin’ -away with him; they’d ruther let it out to strangers. Oh! he’s lightnin’ -at a fight, for all he looks so clumsy. What the butcher is with the -cleaver, that Glass-eyed Bill is with the bowie-knife. He knows jest -where to strike to open a jint or git betwixt two ribs. You’d think to -see him at it, he had practiced for twenty years with some old doctor, -by the way he can disarrange the “house we live in,” as the poet ses.’ - -[Illustration: THE MINISTERIAL LOOKING MAN.] - -“‘Wal, that’s sort of curious,’ I ses; ‘ain’t thar no person around this -section that has had any experience at the cuttin’ business? He’s only -human, I reckon. If he gits a poke between wind and water he’s as likely -to wilt as anybody else, isn’t he?’ I ses, jokin’ly, jest that way. - -“‘Thunder and mud!’ exclaimed the ministerial-lookin’ man. ‘You’ve bin -used to fightin’ with women, I reckon. Lose his strength? You mout as -well try to kill the strength of a red pepper cuttin’ it up, as that -feller. Why, I’ve seen that Glass-eyed Bill in some of his fights yer, -when he was so cut and slashed apart that you could see his in’ards -workin’ like a watch. And I’ll be called a down east noodle, if he -didn’t stand up to his work like a barber until he got through with his -man. He likes to fight in a dark room best, though, ’cause thar’s no -chance of gittin’ on the blind side of him thar; and the landlord not -long ago fixed up one on purpose to accommodate him, he had so much -fightin’ to do. He’ll work a quarrel out of the least thing. Laughin’ at -his eye rollin’ off is as certain a way of gettin’ into trouble as -runnin’ ag’inst a wasp’s nest. - -“‘Though he smokes like a coalpit himself, I knowed him to pick a -quarrel with a young Georgian and kill him, because he happened to send -a whiff of smoke in the direction whar he was settin’. Ever since that, -whenever he comes into the room, you’ll see the fellers a-pluckin’ and -a-snappin’ thar pipes out of thar mouths and crammin’ ’em into thar -pockets or under thar coat-tails—anywhere to git ’em out of sight, like -boys who are jest learnin’ the habit when they sight thar dad a-comin’ -along. - -“‘Take my advice and keep away from him, for he’s dead certain to pick a -muss with strangers, as they ginnerally resent his insults. Plague on -him!’ he contin’ed, ‘I wish he’d go away from the door, I want to git -out; but it’s not good policy to go a-scrougin’ past him while he’s -lookin’ so alfired glum.’ With that the old man went quietly over to a -cheer in the corner and sat down—somethin’ the same as a monkey does -when a larger one is dropped into the cage. - -“I went to bed pooty early that night, as I was plaguey tired. In the -mornin’ I learned thar had been a fight in the dark room betwixt -Glass-eyed Bill and a Tuscaloosan. Bill, as usual, had killed his man. I -began to wonder whether I’d git into some scrape or another before I’d -leave, and as there was to be an auction sale of horses and mules that -mornin’ right thar at the hotel, I concluded to make a purchase and git -away as soon as possible. - -“I bid two or three times on horses, but they run ’em up too high. At -last they fetched out a big mule, and thinkin’ that would be jest the -thing, I went for him pooty strong, and succeeded in gettin’ him. -Glass-eyed Bill had bin settin’ on the door-step thar, and didn’t seem -to be takin’ any part in the biddin’; but when I went to lead the mule -off, he hollered:— - -“‘Whar are ye a-gwine with that critter? Leave him standin’ thar, -please; I kin attend to him myself, I reckon.’ - -“‘Wal,’ ses I, jest slow and easy, that way, for I wanted to keep down -my rizin’ temper, knowin’ what I was when I got mad, ‘if I’m any judge -of auctioneerin’, the mule is mine, and I cal’late to lead him away when -and whar I please.’ - -“Just then the same old ministerial-lookin’ man come chuckin’ and -pullin’ at my coat, and ses he, ‘I’m takin’ ruinous risks in speakin’ to -ye now,’ he ses; ‘but I tell ye again, don’t cross him; let him have the -mule, or you’ll expire quicker than a spark when it drops into a b’ilin’ -pot. He doesn’t want the mule no more than a husband wants two -mothers-in-law; but he’s jest pinin’ to git ye into a muss, and he -doesn’t see any way of doin’ it without he disputes the mule with ye. -Let him have it, or it’ll be wuss for ye; now mind what I’m tellin’ ye.’ - -“‘No, I’ll be shot if I will!’ I answered. ‘He ain’t a-gwine to wipe his -hoofs on me until—arter I’m dead, anyhow.’ And with that I began to move -away with the critter, when Glass-eyed Bill jumped up from whar he was -settin’ and shouted pooty snappishly like, ‘Hold on thar! drop that -rope, unless you want to collapse so quick that one-half of ye will be -in etarnity before the other half knows thar’s anythin’ amiss.’ - -“‘On what groun’s do ye claim the critter?’ I asked, jest a-b’ilin’ -inside, but keepin’ sort of cool outwardly. - -“‘Words doesn’t amount to a woman’s sneeze in settlin’ a matter of this -kind,’ answered old Glass-eye. - -“‘What does, then?’ I inquired, quite innocent like, as though I didn’t -know what he meant; though I did know sure enuff what he was drivin’ at. - -“‘This does!’ he answered, rizin’ up and puttin’ his hand behind him, as -I do now, and jerkin’ out a rippin’ great knife about as big as the -colter of a plow. ‘That’s the sort of a thing to settle disputes with. -No gentleman will argue a case while he’s got an arbiter like that to -leave it to,’ he contin’ed, a-slappin’ it down flatways into the palm of -his left hand as he spoke, and bringin’ an echo from an old barn that -stood near. - -“I see the bystanders began to turn pale as whitewashed chimneys, and -commenced lookin’ at the ground as though huntin’ for straws or -splinters to pick thar teeth with, but they only wanted some excuse to -git away. - -“‘Supposin’ I should pull out a knife about seventeen inches and a half -long,’ I ses, jest that way, ‘what then?’ - -“‘It’s jest exactly the thing I want to see,’ he answered quickly. ‘A -young mother was never more tickled when she discovered the fust tooth -a-peepin’ out of her young un’s gums, than I am when I see a knife -comin’ out of its sheath in a feller’s hand.’ - -“‘Wal, I reckon you must have been brought up in a fightin’ settlement,’ -I ses, jest like that, for I couldn’t hardly keep from jokin’, he seemed -so amazin’ eager. - -“‘Come, which’ll ye do? gin up the mule or fight? You’ve got to do one -or t’other,’ he ses, impatiently, as he stooped to pick up his glass -eye, which jest then dropped out and was a-rollin’ under the hoss -trough. - -“‘Wal,’ I ses, ‘I ain’t perticularly stuck arter fightin’, but it’s bad -enough for a feller to squirt his terbacker juice onto you, without -wantin’ to rub it in; and if it’ll be any accommodation to ye, I’ll -fight fust and then take the mule arterwards.’ - -“‘Enough sed,’ he answered, just short that way; and then turnin’ to the -landlord who was standin’ in the door, he asked, ‘Is the dark room ready -for use?’ - -“‘No, not quite, he answered; ‘thar’s some pieces of that long -Tuscaloosan lyin’ around in thar yet, I believe, but I’ll attend to -removin’ them right away,’ and he started off with a bucket and -dust-pan. - -[Illustration: STARTLING DISCLOSURES.] - -“So we all went into the bar-room, and staid round thar waitin’ until -the place would be prepared. While we were thar, Glass-eyed Bill pulled -out his knife, and commenced to draw it backwards and forwards over his -boot-leg, as though to git a fine edge on it. - -“‘Wal, you can whet your great scythe blade,’ I ses to myself, kind of -low that way, for I allowed he was doin’ it to skeer me. ‘It ain’t -allers the longest horned cow that does the most hookin’. my old -terbacker shaver has got p’int enough on it to inaugurate a new passage -to the interior if it _won’t_ cut a har.’ - -“Arter a while he leaned over to a feller that sat by the table, and -while runnin’ his thumb sort of feelin’ly along the edge of the knife, -he ses: ‘The man I bought this from in Galveston assured me it was the -best of steel; but he lied, I reckon, for I turned the edge of it last -night on that long Tuscaloosan’s ribs. Yet that’s not to be much -wondered at, arter all, for I do believe he had as many ribs as a snake. -I thought I never would succeed in gettin’ the blade betwixt ’em. Arter -I got him down in the corner and his knife away from him, I commenced -jabbin’ at his armpit, and I prospected the hull way down to his kidney, -before I could git in far enough to let his dinner loose.’ - -“Gewillikins! When I heered him talkin’ like that, didn’t I begin to -squirm and fidget around on my cheer! I wished then I had never seen the -place, more especially the long-eared mule. But I see I was in for it, -as the boy said when he got his head stuck in the cream jar. Thar was no -way of gittin’ out without comin’ right down to beggin’ off, and I was -too consumin’ proud to do that, you know, if I was sartain of bein’ cut -up into as many pieces as a boardin’-house pie. - -“Jest then the landlord came back and sed the room was ready, but -remarked that it was a leetle slippery yet. He sed, for a lean man he -never did see a feller that had so much blood into him as that -Tuscaloosan had. Beckonin’ me to the counter he ses:— - -“‘You mout as well settle your bill now before you go in thar; it may be -more satisfactory to you to have the settlin’ of your own affairs, and -it’ll save me the trouble of huntin’ over your effects arter you’re -dead.’ - -“‘All right,’ I ses, ‘now, if you say so; but it’s ginnerally admitted -that sure things sometimes git mi’ty slippery all to wunst, and perhaps -somebody’s goggles may prove blue in the mornin’ that were bought for -green uns at night.’ - -“I didn’t want to let any of ’em think I was skeered, though, by jingo! -I felt sartin of bein’ minced up, and the cold chills were jest -streakin’ all over me. - -“So we started for the room, which was about twelve feet square and dark -as pitch. - -“The landlord held the door open until we were in opposite corners with -our knives out. Then he shut and locked it and left us to work out our -own salvation, as the missionary did the South Sea Islanders when he -overheerd ’em talkin’ about the best way of cookin’ him the next -mornin’. - -“Wasn’t it dark in thar though? and still? you could have heered a -lizard a-breathin’ in thar, it was so quiet. - -“I allowed Glass-eyed Bill was expectin’ that I would go a-shufflin’ and -a-huntin’ around for him, but I had no sich foolish notion. I cal’lated -if thar was any findin’ to be done he’d have to do it, for I was -detarmined to stand right thar till I’d drop in my tracks before I’d go -a-s’archin’ around for him. - -“I commenced breathin’ about twice a minute, and not makin’ any more -noise at it than a wall-bug, nuther. But for all that I heered him -a-movin’ over towards me. I’ll allers think that Cranebow had a nose -onto him like a setter dog, for he somehow or another got right over -thar whar I was standin’. Pooty soon I felt somethin’ a-stingin’ along -my forehead thar, and I suspected at once that it was the knife that was -feelin’ around for me; so I reckoned it wouldn’t be long until he was -a-proddin’ of it somewhere else, and like the boy with the candy bag, I -cal’lated the fust poke was everythin’; so I made one sudden and -detarmined plunge and a sort of upward rip, at the same time, cal’latin’ -to do all the damage I could right at once while I was about it. - -“He heered me start, and thought to squat down before I got the knife -into him I reckon. Though his intentions were good he only spread the -disaster, like the gal who tried to put the fire out with the corn -broom, for as he was gwine down the knife was rizin’, and the result was -truly astonishin’. I’ll be smashed if he didn’t fly open from eend to -eend like a ripe pea pod. It was done so alfired quick too, that he -didn’t realize how bad he was hurt I think. Ses he, ‘We’ll try that over -ag’in, stranger.’ As he spoke, he started to git up, but fell away -seemin’ly in two different directions. - -“‘Not on this side, we won’t,’ I ses, as I went huntin’ around for the -door. - -“I was surprised as much as him at the way things had turned out, for -when I stepped into that room I looked on it as steppin’ into another -world. When the door was found I commenced knockin’, and pooty soon the -landlord came and opened it. He couldn’t see me at fust, but allowed it -was the bully that was thar, of course, and ses he:— - -“‘You made pooty quick work of it this time; that feller won’t want to -buy any more mules arter this, I take it.’ - -“‘No,’ ses I, steppin’ out, ‘nor claim a critter that doesn’t belong to -him nuther.’ - -“‘What!’ he cried, jumpin’ back with a look upon his face that told me -at once he was mi’ty displeased at the way things war developin’, ‘is it -you? whar’s Glass-eyed Bill?’ he contin’ed, shadin’ his eyes with his -hand and peerin’ into the darkness. - -“‘He’s lyin’ around in thar somewhar,’ I answered careless like, jest -that way. ‘The head-half of him is nigh the door here, paralyzed, I -reckon, but the leg part is somewhere over in the corner thar whar ye -hear the kickin’; you mout as well be gettin’ yer bucket and dust-pan -ready, for you’ll have quite a job gettin’ all the pieces together -ag’in, I’m thinkin’,’ I contin’ed, just that indifferent way, and -walkin’ out towards the bar-room as I spoke. - -“You never did see a feller so set back in your life. He looked at me as -though I had as many heads onto me as the beast we read about in the -Scripters. I’ll allers believe that he was in cahoot with old Glass-eye, -and jist kept him thar to pick quarrels with strangers so they could -have the pickin’ over of thar effects. - -“Arter washin’ my hands and plasterin’ up the cut on my forehead a -little, I went out and saddled the mule, and the crowd all came out to -see me gwine off. I reckon if I had stopped in the village I could have -had things about my own way for some time. Before I rode off I turned -round to ’em and ses:— - -“‘When you git so frightened of a bully ag’in that you daren’t sneeze -within forty feet of him, jest send for me, and I’ll open him up ready -for saltin’ while you’d be wipin’ your mouth.’ - -“With that I rode off, and left ’em all starin’ at each other, and then -arter me, as though wonderin’ who or what I was, anyhow.” - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - - ROLLER SKATING. - - - Oh! skating, roller skating now, of pastimes takes the lead; - No more we take the moonlight sail, or mount the prancing steed, - No more to fair, or carnival, no more to masquerade, - No more along the lengthy bridge, the thousands promenade, - No more we see Othello rave, and roll his jealous eyes, - Or Hamlet leaping in the grave, where loved Ophelia lies, - Or see the boasting Falstaff sheath his blade in Percy’s corse, - Or hear the baffled Richard shout, “My kingdom for a horse!” - In vain the minstrels shake the bones, and tell the funny tale, - Their blazoned bill, or blatant band, to draw the public fail; - For those, who still their millions hide, and those at ruin’s brink, - Alike throw business cares aside, and hasten to the Rink. - Talk of your bounding horseback rides, or of the grace indeed. - A maiden shows when she bestrides the frail velocipede; - I charge ye, if you’d see a maid when graceful she appears, - Go see her on the roller skates, as round the Rink she steers. - - - - - A TERRIBLE NOSE. - - -I was to-day brought in contact with an old gentleman named Bickerstaff, -who keeps a crockery store in the village where I am visiting. This -Bickerstaff is the unfortunate possessor of the queerest-looking nose I -have yet encountered. - -It was not the original intention of Providence that he should follow -such a proboscis through life, for there was a time when he, like other -men, had a forerunner ornamental as well as useful. But through an -accident, the nose he now bears in all its deformity was shoved upon -him. - -[Illustration: BUSTING HIS BUGLE.] - -It seems one day, while furiously pursuing a little urchin who had -mischievously put a stone through a glass jar by the door, he ran his -face against the end of a scantling a boy was carrying past on his -shoulder, and set his nose well up on his forehead in a triangular lump. - -Strange to say, no inducements that the surgeon could hold out served to -coax it back to its former position. His wife, who was young, and rather -prepossessing in appearance, worried terribly about it. She finally left -him, and went to live with her mother, and immediately set about -obtaining a divorce from him. - -She would, in all probability, have obtained it, if she had not died -before the case was properly laid before the commissioners; because she -was capable of doing better, and when you come to see the nose with -which she wished to sever her connections, you could hardly blame her. -Old Bickerstaff, to tell the honest truth, did look like the very old -Nick in masquerade costume. - -His nose, as it reposed between his eyebrows, displayed an enormous pair -of nostrils large as front-door keyholes. At a short distance a person -would think he had four eyes in his head. He was the living terror of -the school children who daily passed his place of business. They either -scurried past on the run, or with their hands over their eyes. - -Even among creeping infants—who had often shrunk back from the threshold -as old Bickerstaff passed the door—he was known as the Boo; and there -was no danger of them crawling into the street while he remained in the -vicinity. - -Nervously-inclined women also avoided him. They would cut across the -road when they saw him coming toward them, or turn back, feeling their -pockets as though they had forgotten something, and hurry back to go -round some other way. - -Dogs never barked at him. If they happened to be engaged in that pastime -when he hove in sight, they would slope off the demonstration into a -yelp. And as if they had suddenly recollected that they were wanted at -home about that time, they tucked their tails between their legs and -dusted away at a lively rate. Hitched horses even snorted lustily and -pulled hard upon their halters when old Bickerstaff shuffled by. - -The old gentleman had a pew in the church directly in front of the -pulpit, and the first time he attended divine worship after his nose had -been set up, he threw the minister out of his discourse altogether. He -couldn’t keep run of what he wanted to say, no way he could fix it. He -had Jonah swallowing the whale, instead of the whale doing the job for -Jonah. - -No matter how much he endeavored to keep his eyes in some other -direction, they would invariably wander back to rest upon that terrible -sight, and then he would be off the track again in a twinkling. The next -day the trustees of the church waited on Bickerstaff, and in the most -polite manner possible requested him to exchange his pew for one farther -removed from the pulpit. - -The old fellow—who, by the way, had considerable temper—flew off the -handle at once, and in the most unchristian-like language denounced the -church and the doctrine that would draw the line of demarkation between -fair faces and plain. - -He informed the trustees if the parson didn’t like the looks of his -congregation, he could turn his pulpit around facing the other way. Yet, -though he was rough in his speech, and given to storming considerably -when his pride was touched, he was not altogether lacking in those -qualities which go far to make up your real man; and when the trustees -offered to give him the side pew _rent free_, his voice at once grew -low, and in a becoming manner he accepted the situation. After that, -things were not quite as bad. The minister occasionally got a quartering -view of him, but the odd-looking disfigurement didn’t strike him with -full force. Still, I was informed, the Reverend gentleman’s discourse -was principally addressed to the hearers on the other side of the -church, thereafter. - -But—to his credit be it mentioned—he always turned in the direction of -old Bickerstaff when he closed his eyes in prayer. - -[Illustration] - - - - - A MASKED BATTERY. - - -I learn by an evening paper that an old lady in the lower part of the -city to-day, while burning some cast-off garments, threw an old vest -belonging to her son-in-law into the fireplace. A Remington rifle -cartridge happened to be slumbering in one of the pockets. It awakened, -and therefrom hangs a piece of crape. - -This draws me on to fasten upon paper an incident that happened in the -mountains some years ago. I was spending a few days in the mines at the -time, with a friend named Colyer, who was working a claim back of -Sonora. - -He had three partners in the concern. One was an old fellow named -Twitchell, who at some time in his life had been a judge in a supreme -court in one of the Southwestern States—I forget which. At all events, -they called him “Judge,” and he bore the title with becoming dignity. - -[Illustration: THE ONE-EYED SWEDE.] - -Another was a dark-looking, one-eyed Swede, who wore a large green patch -over the empty socket. This seemed to add a double brilliancy and fire -to the other optic, and gave to him rather a ferocious appearance. He -would have passed anywhere for a buccaneer of at least fifteen years’ -cruising. Yet he was quite a mild and peaceable man, for all his -demoniacal aspect. The third was a Vermonter, named Theodore Arthur -Willoughby Spooner, called Spoon, for short. They occupied a small log -cabin near their claim, and were like miners generally, hopeful, if not -happy. - -One evening Theodore Arthur Willoughby Spooner was rummaging over some -old articles left in the cabin by a former occupant. Among them he found -an odd-looking pistol which the rust of years had rendered worthless. -The weapon was an uncommon one. I never saw anything like it before or -since, and it is my daily prayer that I never may. It was a ten-shooter; -with nine chambers for bullets, and a tenth and larger barrel for -throwing buckshot, slugs, walnuts, small onions, or potatoes. In fact it -was capable of receiving almost anything not exceeding a billiard ball -in size. Such an awe-inspiring shooting iron would be invaluable to a -footpad or road agent. It was particularly suited for men of this -stripe; for the man who would not blanch, settle down on his knees and -surrender up his valuables when that battery was leveled at his head, -must be brave indeed. - -After we had examined it for some time and vainly endeavored to raise -the hammer, the one-eyed Swede took it. In trying to revolve the -chambers he dropped it unswervingly upon Judge Twitchell’s favorite -corn. It weighed about as much as a good-sized anvil, and no person who -had experienced the peculiar sensation that shoots along the nerves from -an injured corn, could blame the Judge for indulging in a little -profanity about that time. - -Smarting under the contusion he grabbed the instrument and in an erring -moment flung it into the fire. - -Not a man of that little assemblage but would have given his day’s -pan-out to have the pistol out of the flames again; but neither wished -to assume the responsibility of poking for it. The confounded thing -hadn’t been fully canvassed, and we didn’t know whether or not it was -loaded or which way it was aiming. It might be pointing out at the door, -or up the chimney, or it might be leveled at a fellow’s very vitals; -there was a sort of creeping uncertainty about the whole thing that was -calculated to inspire solemn and serious reflection, and make us sit -uneasily upon our stools. - -We were not long in doubt, however, for in ten seconds after the -villainous-looking mitrailleuse settled into the glowing embers, there -was no foot of space, no nook or corner within the wooden walls of that -humble dwelling, that was a good place for a man to be who was not fully -prepared to exchange worlds. - -File firing commenced on the right of the fireplace, under cover of -burning brands. There was a sharp report, a cloud of ashes and a shower -of coals, and amid the general din the stem and bowl of the meerschaum -in the teeth of Theodore Arthur Willoughby Spooner dissolved partnership -at once and forever. - -At the same instant the old water pitcher jumped from the table mortally -wounded in the abdomen. - -During the next few moments there was extraordinary ground and lofty -tumbling inside the cabin. - -Not because I was possessed of greater fear, or less courage, than any -of the party, but because I felt that I had more to live for, I was the -first to reach the open air. The “Judge” was following close at my -heels, but in his blind haste he tripped in the doorway and blocked the -passage. It was at this critical moment that the leap-frog performance -commenced. - -[Illustration: NEEDED AIR.] - -The antics of Chirini’s circus troupe, during their most brilliant -achievements, dwindled into mere schoolboy exercise when compared with -the gymnastic efforts of the excited miners. Out came my friend Colyer -over the prostrate form of the Judge, and the one-eyed Swede over -Colyer, his hair erect and his one dilated eye standing in bold relief -from his dark face, like the ornamental stud on a horse’s blinker. Last -though not least interested or frightened, came Theodore Arthur -Willoughby Spooner, sailing like a flying squirrel over the one-eyed -Swede. In the meantime the pistol was jumping about in the fire like a -fish in a scoop-net, showering bullets in every direction. - -The clock hung silent upon the wall, having received a charge of -buckshot full in the face, and the dog lay dead upon the hearthstone. -“Chickens come home to roost,” saith the old proverb, and indeed it -would seem so, for poor Judge Twitchell, whose rashness brought about -the whole calamity, received a parting salute, a farewell shot, just as -he had gathered himself on all fours to make a final lunge from the -fusillade within. Fortunately the wound was not a fatal one, though -severe enough to keep his memory green for weeks. - -Some time elapsed before any person would venture back into the cabin -after the firing ceased. No one had kept count of the shots or knew at -what moment the battery might open again. We probably would have -remained out all night rather than take any chances, but the coals which -had been thrown over the cabin, started a brisk fire in half a dozen -different places, and we were obliged to run some risks to extinguish -the flames and save the place. - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE PRIZE I DIDN’T WIN. - - -Who hath contended for a prize? Who hath stood in front of an armed host -with a noble emulation warming his breast? Who, with one eye glancing -along the barrel to the target in the distance, and the other closed -upon the world, hath pressed carefully upon the decisive trigger? And -who hath seen the glittering bone of contention passing away into other -hands than his at the close of the contest? If such a person there be, -then can he sympathize with me in this, my dark hour of despondency. - -[Illustration: THE BEST SHOT.] - -To-day I entered the lists with eighty men to compete for a gold watch -and chain of two hundred and fifty dollars in value. It was to be -presented to the winner by the Governor of the State, at a grand ball in -the evening. I, who prided myself that I was no woman with a gun, made a -very fair impression upon the target; and fell back. For six long, -dragging hours I watched the marksmen striving to beat my score. One by -one the good shots whom I had reason to fear stepped forward, discharged -their pieces, and fell back cursing their ill luck. At last nearly all -had fired, and I in fancy could hear the elegant time-piece ticking in -my pocket, and was already preparing the usual impromptu speech with -which to thank the generous donor. At this point an individual stepped -forward whom I had not included among my dangerous competitors, because -on former occasions he failed to hit the broad side of a mountain. Yet -to my astonishment he bore off the glittering prize! - -I shall always think the devil rode astride of that individual’s bullets -and guided them into the target; for while taking aim, the muzzle of his -gun was tossing around like the tip of a cow’s horn when she’s grazing -in a clover field. - -What a picture was I, as I stood that evening at the ball, watching his -Excellency presenting the magnificent watch I had for hours together -looked upon as mine. Had I not received the premature congratulations of -my friends, and been lavish of change at the bar in consequence? And the -watch—where was it? I feel that I shall never have the face to look my -musket in the muzzle again. - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE COUNTRYMAN’S TOOTH. - - -Last evening, while sitting in a physician’s office, I was amused by a -countryman who entered the office to have a tooth extracted. The doctor -took one of the old-fashioned “cant hooks” and went for the molar, but -whether it was owing to lack of skill or the patient’s ducking while the -instrument was being adjusted, it became fixed directly between two -teeth, and after a painful struggle, out they both were drawn. The -operator saw he had taken out two masticators instead of one, and before -the patient noticed the fact, one was chucked under some papers lying -upon the table by his side. - -“Jerusalem!” cried the countryman, as soon as he could speak. “I thought -by the yankin’ and the torturin’ pain you had hitched the blamed -thingamagig onto my back-bone and was a snakin’ it out. Why, bless my -soul!” he continued, as he ran his tongue into the awful chasm. “Hain’t -you made a mistake, doctor, and pulled out the jaw instead of the tooth? -Thar appears to be a ginneral cavin’ in all around thar.” - -“Oh, no,” said the doctor; “there is the tormentor, sir,” and he held up -the one tooth before the contorted face of the victim in triumph. “Your -teeth pull out easy, sir, for their size,” he continued, as he wiped his -instruments and put them away. - -“They do, eh?” he exclaimed. “Wal, dear help them that have teeth that -come out hard. ‘Taint all in the pullin’ nuther, but the incredulous -hole they leave ahind ’em when they do come. Why, my teeth seem as far -apart as two Sundays to a laborin’ man.” - -“The other teeth will crowd over after a while,” said the doctor, -encouragingly. - -“It may be I’ll git sort of used to it after a while,” he replied, “but -I’ll be blowed to the moon, if it doesn’t feel as though my tongue was -wabblin’ around in some other person’s mouth about this time;” and he -arose from the inquisitorial chair, paid the damages, and left the -office. - - - - - MINING STOCKS. - - -The city to-day has been in a state of feverish excitement over -dispatches received from the mining regions. The telegrams were fraught -with startling intelligence. There has been a rich strike in the Savage -mine, and stock is going up accordingly. - - When stocks are running high, - How natural to sigh, - Ah, that I a thousand shares did command, - That I might drink champagne, - And hold a double rein, - And be counted a power in the land. - -The streets are crowded with men, women and children. It is certainly—as -an old woman remarked at my elbow—easier for a needle to go through a -camel’s eye, than for a person to pass through the throng at some of the -corners. At present the person who does not own Savage stock is not -considered of much account. I, who am always on the alert for new -developments, and act upon the moment, make haste to give a sketch of -the Savage stock going up. - -[Illustration: THE ASCENT.] - -It is ascending at a lively rate, there is no mistake about that. There -is always two sides to a hill, however, and though the lucky stockholder -to-day may reach the summit of his expectations, to-morrow may bring a -descent that will be something to stand from under. And being possessed -of quite a prophetic soul, I anticipate the event, and as a companion -piece for the foregoing, give another sketch of the Savage stock coming -down, which it will undoubtedly be before many days. - -[Illustration: THE DESCENT.] - -Well, I can exclaim with Banquo’s facetious murderer, “Let it comedown,” -the decline cannot destroy my peace, nor deplete my purse. - -[Illustration] - - - - - ODE ON A FLEA. - - “A lofty theme, - Fit subject for the noblest bard - That ever strung a lyre.” - —_Coleridge._ - - - Insufferable pest! that with wondrous force - Sinks in my quivering flesh thy noxious tooth, - To tap life’s current in its healthful course, - And break my needful rest, and bring me ruth. - Oh! virulent marauder, thou art a bore in truth, - And who, that smarts beneath thy awful bite, - And poisonous delving, but will, forsooth, - Think that sage poet may have erred a mite, - Who ably sang in ages past, “Whatever is, is right.” - - I’ll place thee foremost in the swarm of those - Tormenting insects that plague mankind; - Yet greater craven from the earth ne’er rose, - Than thou, mute robber of my peace of mind. - In the musical mosquito noble traits we find; - When he at night upon his mission goes, - And quits the ceiling where he long has pined, - On his shrill bugle a lusty blast he blows, - To warn his drowsy prey that a raid he doth propose. - - The vampire bat of Southern latitudes, - That preys at night upon the throat of man, - Quite conscious of the pain his tooth intrudes, - Doth with membraneous wings the victim fan, - To hold him still unconscious if he can, - Of the dark demon hovering o’er his head, - Drawing the blood from visage cold and wan, - Till fully gorged it leaves the sleeper’s bed, - And he, awaking, scarce believes he has been freely bled. - - But thou, black delver, what virtue canst thou claim? - Save great activity, which makes me hate thee more. - Through night and day thy laboring is the same, - Insatiate ever, thou never wilt give o’er, - But glutton-like, still sap and bite, and bore. - Yet truly thou art cursed in having such a jaw, - The champ of which doth try my patience sore. - And soon thou hast to scud from angry scratch and claw, - And often thou must bite afresh ere surfeited thy maw! - - Hadst thou instead of escharotic teeth - Been furnished with a blood-extracting bill, - Which once insinuated skin beneath, - The worst were past; I’d feel no thrill - To make me shiver as though an ague chill - Did all my joints and nerves undo, - Till I sit chattering like a fanning mill, - Perhaps when sitting in the still church pew, - Where I should think of heaven instead of things like you. - - I grant there’s naught on earth, nor in the sea, - Nor in the windy waste around our rolling sphere, - That can at all compare with thy agility - When thou art taken with a sense of fear. - And what was ever formed that can come near - Thy well-knit bones? Thy strange infrangibility - Is too well known to need long mention here, - For who but oft has seen thee spring away quite free, - Although between the fingers rolled most spitefully. - -[Illustration] - - - - - FIGHTING IT OUT ON THAT LINE. - - -While crossing Telegraph Hill this evening in the vicinity of the beach, -I witnessed an incident which has kept me smiling to myself for the last -two hours. - -A couple of carters met in a street at a place which needed repairing. -One cart was heavily loaded with brick. The other contained a small lot -of coal. - -The driver of No. 1 was in favor of suspending that time-honored clause -in common law, which says, “turn to the right.” Having the heavier load -he wished to adopt the English system:— - - “The law of the road is a paradox quite; - For as you are driving along, - If you go to the left you are sure to go right, - If you go to the right you go wrong.” - -But driver No. 2 was immovable as Cæsar when the conspirators with ready -weapons knelt around him. He was determined to enforce his prerogative, -even to the anchoring of his opponent’s cart. - -No. 1 said he would “stand there until his corns sprouted.” No. 2 -replied that he “wouldn’t budge until his corns not only sprouted, but -until they went to seed, or he would have his rights.” - -After considerable loud talk in which they freely expressed unqualified -opinions of each other, they commenced unhitching their horses from the -carts, as night was setting in, and quietly started off to their -respective stables. - -It happened they had met directly before the residence of a stout Teuton -who owns a large brewery at the Beach. They had scarcely left the -disputed point when the brewer arrived. His flushed face showed he had -been freely testing the quality of his malt liquor. He demanded of some -bystanders how the carts came there. Being informed of the whys and -wherefores to his satisfaction, he called out his two stout sons to -assist in removing the unsightly ornaments. - -The united efforts of the three soon started the carts down the hill, in -the direction of the bay, like a battery of flying artillery. It was -only a few rods to the water, and in they plunged, one after the other, -and shot out from the shore like things of life. The old man and his -sons stood upon the crest of the hill viewing the descent in silence. -After they had been successfully launched, the trio retired into the -house with that self-satisfied and confident air that Emperor William -and his two warlike aids might exhibit when retiring to their tent after -a battle in which the enemy was routed. To some of the bystanders this -seemed rather a precipitate proceeding; but to my untutored mind it was -an act worthy to be ranked with the judicial hangings by the San -Francisco Vigilance Committee. - -As I left the hill, I took a last look back at the carts, fast growing -indistinct in the gloom and mist closing over the bay. One craft was -hugging the shore off Black Point, with a close reefed tail-board, and -her wheel well under water. The other was sinking by the stern, but -still scudding under bare poles in the direction of Raccoon Straits. - - - - - DUDLEY’S FIGHT WITH DR. TWEEZER. - - -Jim Dudley called again last night, and, as usual, bored me with one of -his yarns. I overshot myself by mentioning to him how low he stood in -the estimation of Doctor Tweezer, for that brought down the following -upon my head:— - -“Dr. Tweezer didn’t speak very highly of me, eh! Wal, ’tain’t to be -wondered at when you know how I wrought upon his feelin’s once. When a -feller has to go around among his patients for more’n two weeks with a -beefsteak the size of a hearth rug tied to his face, as _he_ did, he -ain’t agwine to hurt himself eulogizin’ the person who set him off,—not -much. - -“Ever fight? wal, I reckon you’d think so if you had seen the Doctor’s -yard arter we got through turnin’ the chips over thar. _He_ can fight, -and squirm like a cat with her tail in a tongs, that Dr. Tweezer can. - -“You see the Doctor’s place was alongside the widder Gezot’s, and she -had a numerous assortment of hens, specimens from cold countries, with -feathers clear down to thar toe nails; and others from bilin’ hot -districts, with no feathers at all onto ’em, ‘ceptin’ a few downy -substitutes frillin’ around the neck. They were continually a-gettin’ -into his garden and a sprawlin’ round in the soft beds thar. - -“He was pooty mad over it too, for he prided himself on razin’ early -vegetables, and two or three times he cautioned her to look arter her -p’ultry, or he’d gin ’em a dose that would warm thar little gizzards for -em’ if he was any judge of drugs. - -“The widder Gezot was a plaguey stirrin’ little woman, one that was -allers willin’ to flounder ahead the best way she could. Being myself -somewhat interested in the lady, I used to ginnerally chime in when she -got into any difficulty. - -“She soon told me what Dr. Tweezer said about the hens; so we set in, -and poked ’em, and stuck feathers through their bills, and did all we -could, except wringing their necks, to keep ’em out of his garden. - -“But hens are hens, you know, and the warm sand makes ’em feel mi’ty -nice, I reckon. They still managed to git through the fence, or over it, -and hold caucuses in the Doctor’s onion beds. One day arter I had bin -down town talkin’ politics with the boys thar, I was settin’ on the -widder’s door-step smokin’ and musin’ like, when I see her hens come -a-rustlin’ hum as though forty hawks were a-stirrin’ ’em up. They -p’inted straight for the water trough, and after takin’ about two dips -into it, commenced the wildest gymnastic feats you ever see, -flip-flopin’ around, stannin’ on thar heads, and then on thar tails. -Finally they quieted down, and turnin’ feet up, lay thar dead as the -chips around ’em. - -“I more than suspected Dr. Tweezer had gin ’em a dose of arsenic or some -other mi’ty tellin’ drug. So I jest riz up quietly and took a look over -into his yard, and sure enough thar he was, a-staggerin’ and squirmin’ -around, a-holdin’ of his sides, and e’enmost a-bustin’ with in’ard -laughter. Now this sort of upsot me. Not that I cared so much about the -widder’s chickens, but I didn’t like to see a feller so mi’ty tickled -over a mean trick. So I went prancin’ around to the Doctor’s yard pooty -durned lively, a-pullin’ off my coat as I ran. I cal’lated I couldn’t -devote much time to strippin’ arter I got in thar. - -[Illustration: GOING FOR THE DOCTOR.] - -“His back was towards me, and he never suspicioned I was comin’, but -stooped over warpin’ around and sort of unwittin’ly invitin’ a kick. - -“‘It’s mi’ty funny business, a-pizenin’ chickens, isn’t it?’ I ses, jest -that way, and at the same time I gin him such a hoist, that I sent him -playin’ leap-frog mor’n fifteen feet, and for a few moments I reckon he -thought he had backed up ag’inst a batterin’ ram. - -“He was mi’ty cranky though, and turned round quicker than a dog when -his tail is trod on. - -“‘Dudley,’ he hollered, ‘you meddlin’ ruffian, you’ve invoked the pest, -so now look out for scabs,’ and with that he came at me like a cluckin’ -hen at a strange dog. I see I was in for a lively time, as the boy said -when he upset the bee hive. At it we went, ring and twist, duck and -dodge, hop and catch it, round and round the yard like fightin’ turkeys. -I could play around him at boxin’ like a cooper round a barrel, but he -was grizzly on a hug, and could kick and gouge like a Mississippian. - -“He went for my right eye like an Irishman for a ballot box. I’ll be -blowed if I didn’t think I’d have to go one eye on it ever arterwards. -Several times he had it stickin’ out like a door knob. Finally while he -was a-fumblin’ around he accident’ly slipped his finger into my mouth, -and I shut down on it mi’ty fast now I can tell you. - -“‘Fair play! fair play!’ he hollered, ‘no bitin’.’ - -“‘Rats!’ ses I, jest that way, ’twixt my teeth, ‘all’s grist that comes -to my mill, I reckon,’ and with that I snapped it off at the second jint -like a radish. Jest then his wife, hearin’ an unusual rustlin’ and -scrapin’ around the yard, come a-runnin’ to the door to see what was up. -Woman like, without inquirin’ into the particulars, she took sides to -wunst, and started with a dish of hot water cal’latin’ to gin me an -alfired scaldin’. Luckily she stumbled over the dog that was a-skelpin’ -into the house to git out of harm’s way, and her own young ’un that was -crawlin’ around the floor munchin’ dirt got the hottest bath it ever -experienced. That gave her somethin’ else to look arter, so that the -Doctor and I had it out alone. - -“Arter we had bin at it about fifteen minutes we held a sort of informal -truce, just arter a simultaneous exchange of compliments, which left the -Doctor layin’ across the grindstone and me astride the pump. It was the -first chance I had of gittin’ a fair look at him, since we started in. I -see he was punished mi’ty bad. One eye was retirin’ from active service -pooty fast, while his face ginnerally looked as if he had bin bobbin’ -for pennies in a dish of tomato sauce. I reckon he wasn’t aware he -presented such an appearance, for ses he:— - -“‘You’re lookin’ mi’ty bad, Dudley, and you mout as well gin up now as -any time, for you’ll eventually have to holler.’ - -“‘If I looked one-half as bad as you do, Doctor, I would holler,’ I -answered. - -“‘I ginnerally have to look about this bad before my blood gits up to a -fightin’ heat,’ he ses detarminedly. - -“‘Wal,’ ses I, ‘I’ve fit at every election for the last five years, and -last Fourth, put the bully mate of Terre Haute into a coal bunker, blind -as a bat, and I cal’late no derned pill-mixer is agwine to git away with -me very bad.’ - -“‘You’ll have to be born ag’in before you can whale me, Dudley,’ he -shouted, ‘for I’ll fight while there’s enough blood left in me to lunch -a stall-fed musketeer.’ - -“‘We both suck through the same straw then, Doctor,’ ses I, ‘for I -cal’late to stick to you like a poor man’s plaster to a beggar’s ribs or -I’ll have the worth of the widder’s chickens out on ye,’ and with that I -spit out his finger that I had forgot all about, and the hul time had -bin chawin’ like a piece of flag-root, I was so burnin’ mad. I allers -will think he would have gin up the fight then, if he hadn’t seen me -spit out the finger. He looked down at his maimed hand and then at me, -and the awful sight seemed to spur him on ag’in. - -“‘You cannibal varmint!’ he hollered, as he edged up to me. ‘I’ll make -head-cheese of ye!’ and with that he made a pass at me; so at it we went -ag’in, hotter than ever, hands up and heads down like fightin’ wasps, -round and about, over the goose-house and wheelbarrow spat-a-te-kick, -and down into the sink pool roll-et-e-roll, and the hair was a-flyin’ -and the teeth war a-spinnin’. I got in a left-handed wipe on his chin -while his mouth was open, swarin’, and I made his jaws snap like a wolf -trap, and sent one of his molars a-buzzin’ through the kitchen winder -like a bullet from a Springfield muskit. - -[Illustration: HANDS UP AND HEADS DOWN.] - -“I never knowed a man could lose so much blood and stand up arter it, -until I had that fight with Dr. Tweezer. The blood was a-flyin’ from him -every which way, like the water from a sprinklin’ cart, and yet he -wouldn’t holler. - -“Arter a while he clinched and throwed me, but I managed to turn him, -and commenced to shut off his supply of wind by twistin’ his necktie; -but jest as his tongue began to crop out promisin’ly, a couple of -fellers drivin’ by in a wagon seen us, and they allowed that I was one -of the Doctor’s crazy patients that had got the better of him; so they -come runnin’ in with a long rope, and set in to tie me up right thar. - -“The plaguey Doctor turned in to help ’em do it, too. I cussed, and -hollered, and kicked off both boots, and broke two of my teeth -a-grittin’ of ’em, I was so consumin’ mad. But it was no go; I was -a-playin’ a lone hand, with both bowers and the ace ag’inst me. - -“The fust thing I knew they had me tied hand and foot, and h’isted into -thar greasy old meat wagon with some dead hogs. - -“‘To the lock-up with him,’ shouted the Doctor, jest bilin’ with rage; -‘he’s crazy as a cow with her horns knocked off.’ They took me thar, -sure enough, and I staid thar till midnight before the mistake was -known. I was pooty well scratched up, but that Dr. Tweezer was the most -horrid sight you ever did see. - -[Illustration: ALAS! POOR DOCTOR.] - -“Arter that fight he looked as though he had been the subject in a -dissectin’ room, with at least a dozen medical students peelin’ and -hackin’ of him in the interests of science. The Doctor allowed that the -erysipelas would set in, seein’ thar were so many small veins busted in -his face, so he painted it all over with scarlet iodine as a -precautionary measure. - -“He did look like the very old Nick, and no mistake. His face was -fearfully puffed up, you see, and his nose was knocked clear away round -to one side. His mouth in particular was a study that a feller couldn’t -git familiar with. It was a problem that the more you looked into the -more your ideas got confused. It was swelled and twisted and run around, -out of all shape and proportion. - -“He had the terriblest time you ever heard of gittin’ his victuals into -it and fairly started down his throat. Thar he would sit at the table -explorin’ about for fully five minutes strivin’ to make the harbor, and -when he couldn’t fetch it, he would draw the spoon back and look at it a -while, plannin’ another expedition. He knew where his mouth _ought_ to -be, you see, and where it _had_ been a few hours before, and to be -obliged to canvass the whole of his head to find it, was somethin’ he -wasn’t accustomed to. - -“It seemed as if he never would git through jabbin’ the spoon about his -face, and when he would finally strike the openin’, it would be away -round on one side of his head, so much so in fact, that a person would -think he was pourin’ the soup into his ear. He would be all hunkadory -then durin’ the remainder of that meal, but the next time he would come -to the table, the same performance would have to be gone through with. - -“He couldn’t keep run of the thing, nohow. It was here to-day and -somewhere else to-morrow, like a wrinkle in a shirt. - -“The swellin’ kept shiftin’ and undulatin’ about continually, down in -one place and up in another, all within an hour, and that would shove -the mouth away down along the neck somewhere, or clear across to the -other side of the head, perhaps. - -“The family would be sittin’ thar eatin’ no more than he was, they would -be so busily engaged watchin’ his singular manœuverin’, and it would -make him so roarin’ mad that he would send ’em all away from the table. - -“He tried to eat by the aid of a small lookin’ glass, but that didn’t -work any better than goin’ it blind. When he saw how disfigured every -feature was, his appetite would begin to git away from him pooty lively, -and he would sling the glass into the corner, and fall to denouncin’ me -like a crazy bush-whacker. - -“The yard, too, was a sight; everythin’ in it was painted and scratched -and painted ag’in. - -“Old Mrs. Sharron—who was allers a-smellin’ around about butcherin’ -time, on the lookout for a fresh morsel—was gwine by the Doctor’s the -next mornin’, and she noticed the blood and ha’r a-stickin’ to the chips -and pump handle, and she allowed he had killed his spring pig, so she -dropped in to ask him for the ears and a piece of the liver. - -“The Doctor thought she was runnin’ him on his late skirmish, and you -never see a man fly into such a passion in all your born days. - -“He jumped up and pulled his pizen pump out of a drawer, and ses he: -‘You old faded remnant! you scollop! you creasy old cinder of an -incendi’ry fire!’ he contin’ed, jest that way, ‘I’ll gin ye jest seven -seconds to git out of my house in, or I’ll hoist the gizzard out of ye -mi’ty quick!’ - -“Jehominy! wasn’t she skeered, though? You never see a cat git from -under a stove quicker when a pot biles over, than she got out of that -house. - -“So Dr. Tweezer didn’t speak very highly of me, eh? Wal, now you kind o’ -know the reason, don’t ye?” - - - - - MY NEIGHBOR WORSTED. - - -As I look from my window I am surprised at the change the last half hour -has wrought upon my neighbor and his immediate surroundings. At that -time he emerged from the shed in which he keeps his extra household -furniture, with a length of stove-pipe and an elbow under his arms. They -were apparently just the things he needed to tone down the draught of -his new stove, and shoot the sparks clear of the banker’s eaves. - -I think I never saw him look better-natured than at that moment. His -face was clear and unruffled as a woodland pool. His children played -around him with unsuspecting minds and unlimited speech. The household -cat, with all confidence in his noble nature, familiarly rubbed her ribs -against his leg, as he for a moment stood deciding which end of the -length to introduce to the elbow. Even the old hen roosting on the -enclosure seemed to settle her head into her body with more than -ordinary satisfaction as she regarded the complacent scene beneath her. - -But half an hour ago all was peace, confidence and love, and now what a -change is here! I hear the children, but see them not. Their plaintive -wail reminds me how often laughter is the harbinger of tears. The hen -with ruffled feathers and outstretched neck stands aloof upon the ridge -of a distant dwelling. The household cat that had grown old in the -family, and had good reason to believe herself privileged, purrs no -more. She has painful reasons to think otherwise now, as she crouches in -the most retired corner of the premises, assiduously applying whatever -balm her tongue affords to injured parts. She doubtless muses how -heavier than an infant’s spoon it is to feel an adult’s boot. - -Yet my neighbor was neither rash nor hasty. - -He seemed the embodiment of perseverance, as he repeatedly offered that -length of stove-pipe an elbow which it, like a prudish maiden, -provokingly refused. Soon the drops of perspiration began to stand upon -his face and neck in large globes, and I knew that patience was oozing -from every pore. I knew by the scattering children, the cackling hen, -and the flying household cat, that the “rose-lipped cherubim” of which -the poet sings, were abiding with him no longer. - -Presently his wife came to his assistance with a case-knife, and for a -time it seemed as though victory would crown their united efforts. -Reinforcements turned the tide at Waterloo, and laid proud France at the -mercy of Europe, and how often the assistance from the mind or arm of a -noble wife rolls back the enemy from the door. But reinforcements could -not mend the matter here. The poor woman soon retired from the scene -with wounded fingers and damaged pride. - -My neighbor himself has ceased to strive. Flattened, kicked, and -abandoned, the pipes lie masters of the situation. - -Ah! I am fully persuaded that neither depth of affliction, nor height of -impudence, nor length of trial, nor breadth of argument, nor -extravagance, nor parsimony, nor things in particular, nor things in -general, can begin to compare, as triers of patience, with a couple of -old frill-edged stove-pipes, that emphatically set their edge against a -union. - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE BREATHING SPELL. - - - As some lone reaper, tanned and sore, - Doth pause to glance his acres o’er, - Comparing what hath passed his hands - With what before him bristling stands— - Behind him lie the shocks and sheaves, - While like a sea before him heaves, - Far over valley, hill and plain, - The waving heads of waiting grain— - So pause I now, when half way through - This growing book, my task to view; - Behind lie many a sketch and line; - Before me, countless pages shine; - Behind, the thoughts are shaped and bound; - Before, they float in freedom round. - - And as that reaper stoops again - To throw his hook around the grain, - And sinks amid the sea of gold, - To rise when hands no longer hold; - So bend I to my task anew, - And undismayed my course pursue, - ’Till clip on clip, and sheaf on sheaf, - Shall bear me to the farthest leaf. - - - - - A VISIT TO BENICIA. - - -To-day I had occasion to visit Benicia. The place is situated on the -Straits of Carquinez. Not far from the town the Government Arsenal and -Barracks are situated. And as a striking proof of the loyal and -law-abiding spirit of the citizens, I may mention the fact, that all the -government property above alluded to is defended by two soldiers, a -corporal—who, by the way, has a wooden leg—and a high private. - -While stopping there, I noticed they were engaged in the pleasurable -task of firing a salute of twenty-one guns, in commemoration of Bunker -Hill. They were having a busy time of it, for while the wooden-legged -corporal was loading and discharging the cannon, the private was -forwarding the ammunition from the magazine—about a quarter of a mile -distant—in a wheelbarrow. “If soldiers will do this in time of peace,” I -said to myself, “what would they not accomplish in time of war?” and I -walked away from the spot, congratulating myself for having invested in -Government bonds. - -The town, in all likelihood, would never have been heard of outside of -the State of California, had it not been for the brave “Benicia Boy.” -Here it was that he swung the blacksmith’s heavy sledge, and practiced -the first rudiments of the pugilistic profession, which subsequently -gained him his world-wide notoriety. - -Many of the citizens are yet pointed out to the visitor as parties who -at some period of their life served as a sand bag on which the muscular -“Boy” hardened his knuckles. - -As I gazed upon the scattered village,—for it is no more,—I mused, how a -man should come forth from such a paltry place to “awe” the world. For -as Goliath challenged the hosts of Israel, so came the brave “Benicia -Boy” and dared creation’s millions. - -And as the youthful shepherd, afterwards king, rose up and smote the -overweening giant with a stone, till all his brain oozed forth, so from -Albion’s Isle a youthful “King,” smote the western champion in the -midriff with his mawley, and all his wind gushed out! - -[Illustration: ONE OF HEENAN’S MEMENTOES.] - -After searching some time to discover the blacksmith shop where the -pugilist used to work, I learned that it was long since torn down and a -church now occupied the site. But an old gentleman who kept a small -boarding house, conducted me to an ancient pump, at which he said the -“Boy” on several occasions bathed his nose after having a bout with some -person who didn’t let him have things all his own way, and there I wept -my tears of tribute. - -A large iron-bound boot-jack, set in a glass case, was shown to me by a -saloon-keeper. He assured me, with this weapon the “Boy” had killed -several cats belonging to the neighbors which had disturbed his -slumbers. This boot-jack had also caused the death of a mule, for on one -occasion the pugilist hurled it with such violence at a cat that was -scampering across the roof of a shed that the heavy missile went through -the boards. A farmer’s mule that was standing inside received the weapon -behind the ear, and immediately went to gravel as though he had been -felled with a sledge-hammer. The farmer instituted a suit against the -“Boy” to recover damages, but the friends of the pugilist made up a -purse to satisfy the demand of the farmer, and the matter was hushed. - -I was also shown a jagged hole in a high board fence, which, it is said, -the “Boy” made one night while going home from a neighboring saloon. - -It seems he had some trouble with a companion before leaving the saloon, -and seeing his shadow dogging his steps, mistook it for the substance of -his late antagonist; very naturally presuming that his intentions were -anything but friendly, he turned hastily around and dissipated the -obnoxious shadow by knocking it about fifteen feet into the garden. - -[Illustration: A SCIENTIFIC OPENING.] - -The fence rattled and shook around the whole lot under the terrible -blow. He made a hole in the boards through which a large goat could -readily jump without sacrificing any of its hair by the performance, and -permanently injured a good-sized pear tree that stood inside the -enclosure, about three feet distant. The concussion was terrible. A -couple of turkeys that happened to be roosting in the tree at the time -dropped from their limb as though shot through the head with a -needle-gun. Never afterwards could they be induced to roost upon -anything further from the ground than the cross-bar of a saw-horse or -the handles of a wheelbarrow. - -No doubt the town at one time had great expectations, as it formerly was -the capital of the State. It is now a capital joke to see a person -undertaking to walk through the town in the winter season, without faith -strong enough or feet broad enough to support him upon the surface of -the oceans of mud he will find himself gazing wistfully across. - -On my way down a man was pointed out to me on the boat who is said to be -the meanest man in his county. My informant assured me that when the -mean individual’s wife died last year, he borrowed a pair of forceps -from the dentist at Benicia, and extracted all her gold-filled teeth. -And on the morning prior to her funeral he sat upon the door-step, -hammer in hand, with a flat-iron upon his knees, cracking the teeth like -English walnuts, and with a sewing awl extracting the filling from the -cavities. - -During my journey I didn’t cultivate that man’s acquaintance. He is a -person to stand away from, especially when clouds are charged with -electricity. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - - TOO MUCH OF INDIAN. - - -Take away the dish; I have had my fill of Modoc; have had buck for -breakfast, squaw for dinner, and papoose for supper, until at the very -name of Indian my appetite forsakes me. - -The appellations that for a season fell upon my ears, like a new poem -from the lips of some sweet bard, have poetry for me no longer. The -names, “Captain Jack,” “Scarfaced Charlie,” “Shacknasty Jim,” -“Rain-in-the-face,” “Old-man-afraid-of-his-horse,” “Sitting Bull,” or -“Ellen’s Man,” have lost their charm. They have become dull and -uninteresting, and I would hear them no more forever. I have been duped, -deceived, defrauded, on account of these rascally Indians. - -I have gazed in silent awe upon what I supposed to be the scalp of no -less a personage than “Old Sconchin,” and it now transpires that the -redoubtable old chief turns up among the Indians recently captured. - -Oh! Oh! how this world is given to lying! - -I have journeyed long and far, by water and by rail, on horseback and on -foot, and purchased at an extravagant price an Indian’s scalp which the -seller under oath, with lifted hand, assured me was the veritable crown -lock of that same “Old Sconchin.” - -With tears coursing down his sunburned cheeks he informed me, that with -his own eyes, in the full light of day, he saw it plucked smoking from -the sconce of the expiring brave. - -I have consequently braided watch chains of the hair, fashioned a money -purse of the skin, and then withdrawn into a private apartment to shed -bitter tears of sorrow, because the material didn’t quite hold out to -make a tobacco pouch. And now the distressing intelligence reaches me -that the renowned “Old Sconchin” stands manacled in the camp of his -foemen, with an unscarified top and as luxuriant hair as ever drew -nourishment from an Indian head. - -Oh! where shall we turn, or where shall we look for honesty, since it is -not found in the breast of the Indian scalp peddler? - - - - - GOING UP THE SPOUT. - - -Rats and mice, like ourselves, often labor at a great disadvantage while -endeavoring to make a livelihood. They often make a miss of it -altogether by not knowing the proper time to set out upon an expedition. -Their life is a perpetual skirmish. They have to take chances and be -upon their guard continually. Their mortal enemy and dread, the cat, may -be asleep in the fourth story, and the poor mouse knows not of it as he -looks wistfully across the intervening space between the ash barrel and -the basement stairs; but after weighing the chances of escape or -capture, he scurries across the opening with as much haste as though the -sharp claws of pussy were raking the stunted fur from his wiry tail. - -The sun may pour down its genial rays and the planks which his way lies -over be warm and inviting, but he cannot loiter to enjoy its warmth or -survey the beauties of nature. Oh! who would be a mouse? sigh I, as I -sit and ponder over his life of inherent fear and uncertainty. - -He seems to have no confidence in himself. His actions are like those of -an inferior checker player. Shove about as he may, the chances are he -will soon regret the manœuvre, and wish himself safely back again at the -starting point. - -[Illustration: AN OBJECT OF SUSPICION.] - -Everything about the premises seems to be after him. He regards the old -blacking-brush that lies under the bench with looks of suspicion for -hours together, and dare not risk a scamper past. He takes it for a -horrid cat, quietly and patiently biding her time. He retires into his -hole and waits fully an hour before peeping out again; but there it sits -to blast his sight and cause a cold thrill to run along his little -spine. The fact that it does not change its position does not in the -least weaken his mistrust; on the contrary, it rather strengthens it. -“It is so cat-like,” he says to himself, “for it to be sitting there -motionless.” In the handle projecting from one end he very naturally -thinks he recognizes the tail, and at this new discovery he backs into -his hole again in great trepidation. - -He feels certain now that he was right in his suspicions. Another wait -follows. On again emerging, there it lies as before; and if that mouse -was profane, and had a soul to hazard, it would undoubtedly hazard it, -and roundly berate that brush through compressed teeth. - -It takes but little to set a poor mouse into a perfect fluster. Down -rolls a stick of wood from the pile, and Mr. Mouse, nibbling at the -other corner of the shed, jumps at least eight feet in the direction of -his hole. The wind blows down the clothes-line stick, and simultaneous -with its fall upon the planks the heart, liver and lights of the poor -mouse seem to be running a steeple-chase to see which can jump from his -mouth first. Away he scurries across the yard, so fast, that though your -eyes were endeavoring to keep up with him all the way, you merely know -_something_ has been moving, but can only surmise what. - -We sometimes think the trials and disappointments of humanity are great, -but dear me! what are they compared to the miseries of these poor -creatures. From their hardships deliver me! For all their care and -caution, they do so often miscalculate. This is evidenced by the number -of times our old cat enters the house with her mouth full, and her eyes -sparkling with pride. - -There is nothing so very degrading or humiliating in a cat’s life, and -the thought of becoming a cat does not make one shudder as does the -thought of becoming a mouse. A good household cat does not occupy such a -very bad position in life after all; by _good_ I mean an excellent -mouser, one never guilty of letting a mouse escape after having the -second wipe at him; no scraggy creature with stove-singed back and -scolloped ears, but a well-behaved, home-loving animal. The lot of such -a creature is preferable to that of some men whom I have met in life, -that is, if there were no rude children in the house. There is always -some drawback; a cat is peculiarly blessed that lives in a house where -there are no children; it seems to be counted as one of the family -almost, and its life, though short, is certainly a happy one. But ah! -these reckless children, that snatch up Tommy by the tail as they would -a sauce-pan, and as though the tail was actually intended for a handle. -On second thought, the life of a cat is not so very pleasant after all. - -For the last half hour I have been deeply interested in the manœuvres of -a large rat in the yard of an adjacent house. He has made three -unsuccessful attempts to go up the sink-spout. Thrice has he glided up -the slippery incline until the tip of his long tail disappeared from -view, but as often has he beat a hasty retreat, assisted on his downward -way by a rushing torrent of hot dish-water. - -[Illustration: ON A RAID.] - -He is a determined fellow, however, and sticks to an enterprise with the -spirit and pertinacity of a world-seeking Columbus, or a prison-breaking -Monte Christo. No doubt the hungry edge of appetite is whetted by the -strong effluvium arising from Limburger cheese (the people are Germans) -that fills the whole atmosphere with an odor truly agreeable to the -rodent nose, every time the pantry door is opened. The cheese has been -lately stirred up, I presume, by the trenchant knife of Pater-familias, -and consequently the poor hunger-pinched rat is allured up the spout at -this inopportune hour, while the servant girl is washing the dishes. - -Every living creature has its weakness. The horse whinnies when the oats -draw nigh, and forgets the galling collar. Sheep, that at other times -will not come within gunshot, grow tame and unsuspicious when the salt -is shaken in the pan. - -The hog has a penchant for clover-roots, or wherefore does the rusted -wire ring ornament his nose? Is it there because it is the fashion? Ask -the farmer. - -And undoubtedly cheese is the weakness of the rat family. It is their -aim, and often their end, too. It is the shrine to bow down before which -the rat will jeopardize his life every hour of the twenty-four. - -He dreams of it. In his fitful slumbers he beholds it ranged around him -tier on tier, as in a great store room, and not a cat within forty -leagues. He is in the rat’s Paradise, and happy. No deceptive poisons -that consume the stomach, no insidious, subtle traps, yawning ready to -clutch the unsuspecting victim, surround him. He is safe and at peace, -and would dwell there forever and forever in one unbroken endless night. -But the heavy rumbling of a dray startles him, for all sweet dreams have -their wakings, alas! that it is so! He wakes, and where is he? Under the -wet sidewalk, drenched and tousled with the drippings of the day’s rain, -with nothing for breakfast but a dry onion peel, the prog of the -previous night, which nothing but a forty-eight hours’ fast could induce -him to seize. Ah, me! what chances the fellow has to take in order to -secure sufficient sustenance to keep life and body together. - -“Honor pricks me on,” soliloquized old Sir John, on the field of -Shrewsbury, when he withdrew from the general clash and rendering up of -souls, to breathe a spell, and moralize upon the insignificance of Fame, -or Honor, as against the value of life. But nothing pricks on the poor -rat but his craving little digestive organs. The mill is crying out for -grists, the hopper is empty, the stone still turning, and something must -be done, and that quickly. - -No honor is attached to the expedition, and even though he should -succeed in making the “inning,” which is doubtful, all that can be said -is that he has “gone up the spout,” and in the common acceptation of the -saying, that is certainly nothing to be very highly elated over. - -I actually feel ashamed when I think of the many projects I have -abandoned through life, because I met with slight reverses. Here before -me is this poor water-soaked rat, his hair still smoking from his recent -scald, emerging once more from behind the wood box, determined to solve -the problem of the sink-spout or perish in the attempt. A grim smile of -resolution seems to part his pointed features, as he moves quietly up to -the dripping conduit from which he lately scampered with steaming ribs. - -They may talk of deeds of noble daring, of vaulting the breach, or -traversing the wild; but for sterling courage, for indomitable -perseverance and pluck, commend me to this little adventurer in my -neighbor’s yard. In the face of three scalding inundations, he ventures -again upon the expedition, unshaken, unsubdued, unterrified. He takes -more chances and subjects himself to more risks in ascending that spout -than old Samuel de Champlain in exploring up the St. Lawrence among the -Iroquois. - -What if the large flea-pasturing dog lying indolently in the yard would -rouse from the lethargic sleep that holds him, and for once make himself -useful by thrusting his bristling muzzle up the orifice after the little -explorer, thereby cutting off retreat in the event of another disastrous -deluge? The terrible result of such an action on the part of the dog is -too painful and improbable to contemplate. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE GLORIOUS FOURTH. - - - You need not wake to call me, to call me, mother dear, - For to-morrow’ll be the noisest day of all the passing year; - Of all the passing year, mother, the most uproarious day, - And I, you bet, will stirring be before the morning gray. - - A flag-staff will be hoisted, mother, two hundred feet in air, - And cannon will be ranged around the whole of Union Square, - And on the instant Phœbus shoots his arrows o’er the hill, - There’ll be a roar will shake the shore as far as Watsonville. - - You know the tailor’s nephew, mother, they call him Squinty Ware; - Last year he powdered Perry’s jaw, and blinded Dobson’s mare, - And while his poor old grandmamma was peeping through the blind, - She got a “whiz” in her old phiz, that she’ll forever mind. - - And Henrietta Loring, mother, tied crackers to the tail - Of Deacon Reed’s big, lazy hound, while eating from a pail; - And goodness! gracious! how he jumped, and dusted for the shed; - And in a moment every straw was blazing in his bed. - - And you’d have died of laughter, mother, I’m certain, if you saw - Old Deacon Reed run out to tramp upon the burning straw; - And when he ran to get the hose—for tramping would not do— - His wig blew off, and down the street for half a block it flew. - -[Illustration: CELEBRATING THE FOURTH.] - - I _know_ it was not proper, mother, and I ashamed should be - To stand and gag, just like a wag, another’s loss to see; - But ’twas a sight that got me quite, and I’ll be old indeed - When I forget the comic look of that old Deacon Reed. - - I’ve got a rousing pistol, mother, the loudest in the block; - And I have filed the little catch that holds the thing at cock, - And hardly do I get the charge of powder in the bore, - When off it goes just with a shake, and thunder! what a roar! - - So sleep on if you can, dear mother, and have no thought of me, - For I’ll be up and charging round before there’s light to see; - And when you hear a bang that makes the ring dance in your ear, - Then you can bet your scissors, mother, that I am somewhere near. - -[Illustration] - - - - - JIM DUDLEY’S SERMON. - - -Hereafter I shall have no faith in reports. Last week I heard that Jim -Dudley had left the city, and was congratulating myself on at last -escaping him. But my congratulations were premature. Last night he -called upon me, and kept me in torture for fully two hours; at a time, -too, when I should have been asleep. But what cared he for that? The -scoundrel! there was no shaking him off. He sticks to a person like -mortar to a brick. I had to sit and listen, though I do honestly believe -every word the fellow uttered was an unqualified lie; but he swears to -its truth, and how can I prove it otherwise. It is better to take it as -it comes and ask no questions for conscience’ sake. - -“I never told you about the sermon I preached over in Misertown one -Sunday. I had a time of it thar and no mistake. Hold on a minute and -I’ll tell you how it was. - -“You see, Gil Bizby—that plaguey shirk, I never mention his name but -what I feel like trouncin’ of him—but he was a genius though and no -foolin’ about it, a natural born inventor, chock full of notions as a -toy shop. - -[Illustration: SOMETHING NEW.] - -“But somehow or another he never could bring anythin’ to a payin’ focus. -Allers whittlin’ and borin’ and plannin’ around though. Wherever you’d -meet him he’d be haulin’ out of his pocket some old drawin’, with more -wheels and contrivances pictured out on it than you could think of in a -twelve hours’ dream. He never could git the cap sheaf onto his endeavor -though. Allers somethin’ amiss; a wheel too many, or another one -wantin’, or too many cogs to have the thing work just right. - -“He invented a contrivance for pluckin’ chickens. - -“That was a rustler. He shoved the fowls through a machine somethin’ -like a corn sheller, an gin ’em an electric shock while passin’ along, -and shot ’em out of a spout at t’other end of the machine as bare as -weavers’ shuttles. He didn’t make anythin’ out of it though. He had to -chuck ’em through while alive, you see, and that clashed with the law. -When he took the machine down to the city to introduce it to the pultry -dealers, the society fellers who look out for the interests of dumb -critters got arter him and sewed him up. They put a reef in his jib -pooty quick now, I tell you. - -“They were passin’ along through the market one day, and they saw Gil -just a humpin’ himself showin’ off the apparatus to the market men. He -was crankin’ and pumpin’ away, like a sailor when there’s fifteen feet -of water in the hold and still rizin, and the chickens were a screamin’ -and a scootin’ through the contrivance, close as if they were run on a -string head ag’inst tail, and just a cloud of feathers hoverin’ around -over it. Didn’t they fasten on to that Gil Bizby though? They snatched -him up quicker than if he had been hoss-stealin’, and confiscated his -plucker, and tucked an alfired heavy fine onto him besides. - -“Meetin’ with such poor encouragement in that direction he went back to -Sculleyville, and set out to invent a thunderin’ great machine for -layin’ cobble-stones. That was just him all over; allers startin’ in to -git up some outlandish lookin’ thing. This machine was a crusher and no -gettin’ ‘round it. It was fearful enough to make a cow slip her cud, -I’ll be shot if it wasn’t. It looked somethin’ like Noah’s ark set on -wheels and filled with all kinds of machinery. - -“He started in to experiment one moonlight night in front of the court -house, but got the main belt crossed or somethin’, I disremember just -what, and Jerusalem! in less than ten minutes he ran the whole -population out to the foot-hills in thar night clothes. There wasn’t no -stoppin’ the consarned thing. Poor Gil was knocked senseless at the -first revolution, and nobody else knowed how to control it. It rolled -the whole length of the square, tearin’ up the stones it had pounded -down the day before and sendin’ of ’em buzzin’ over the village in all -directions. - -“No home was sacred, and no head was safe, as the poet has it. Poor old -Mrs. Scooley lived just long enough to learn this, and no longer. She -was goin’ once too often to git her pitcher filled at the corner grocery -that night, and a stone took her in the small of the back as she was -enterin’ the door, and it h’isted her clear over the counter on top of a -barrel; it’s true as I’m tellin’ it to you. Poor old body; she was the -pioneer female of the village too. The first woman to wash a shirt in -Sculleyville. But arter all, the town wasn’t much loser by her passin’ -away. - -“She was a sort of panicky old critter anyhow, always scary about -catchin’ the smallpox or any other prevailin’ disease that come around. -The old village physician said he would ruther see the very old scratch -makin’ towards him on the street than old Mrs. Scooley. - -[Illustration: THE DOCTOR’S SCOURGE.] - -“Comin’ from church or market, as the case might be, she would fasten on -to him like a wood-tick to a leaf, and he couldn’t git rid of her nohow. -She would have him time her pulse right thar on the sidewalk; and be a -shovin’ of her tongue out for his inspection. And she did have such an -unlimited, wallopin’ great tongue too; it seemed when she was shovin’ -all of it out, as though she was actewelly disgorgin’ her liver. It’s -so, by Jingo! People would be a stoppin’ and standin’ thar, wonderin’ -what was the matter with the old gal—that is, people that didn’t know -her peculiarities; though most everybody in the village had seen her -standin’ in that position so often, that they would be more surprised to -see her with her tongue in her mouth than projectin’ out in the rain. - -“The old Doctor used to be terribly annoyed. He would say, kind of -hurriedly like, because he would be itchin’ to git away from her: - -“‘Oh! you’re all right I reckon, Mrs. Scooley; but you had better be a -gittin’ along home, and not stand too long in the cold air, with so much -of your vital organs exposed to the weather; the result may be fearful -if not fatal!’ - -“That would ginnerally start her off pooty lively towards her shanty. -They say the first time the Doctor saw her tongue he was surprised so -much that he looked actewelly skeered. Says he: ‘I’ve been nigh unto -eight and thirty years a practicin’ physician, and until this moment I -flattered myself that I was familiar with all the ins and outs of the -profession. But I begin to think I gin over the dissectin’ knife too -soon, for here’s somethin’ that I was not prepared for.’ - -“But that’s not tellin’ you about the sermon, is it? but when I -mentioned that Gil Bizby, I sort of wandered off arter him and his -contrivances. Wal, as I was about to tell you, Gil and I were saunterin’ -around Misertown one Sunday, and we saw any number of gals goin’ into -the school-house where the preachin’ was carried on. So we concluded to -step in and git a better look at some of ’em. I didn’t know many of the -people round thar, but from what I heard I judged they were the meanest, -close-fistedest set of sinners that ever had the gospel dispensed with -amongst ’em. - -“I understood they had treated their minister plaguey mean when he fust -come thar to look arter them. Thar was no regular place for him to stop, -you see, and they agreed amongst themselves to take turns a keepin’ him -until they could get a house up for him. He was one of those young, -easy, green kind of fellers that had seemin’ly never been so far away -from home before but what he could see the smoke of his father’s -chimney, or smell his mother’s corn-dodgers burnin’. And they soon took -advantage of it, and sort of played button with him, shovin’ him around -from one to another as though he was too hot to hold. - -“He fust went to a feller by the name of Wigglewort. Ses Wig, ‘I’m -really very sorry, Mr. Sermonslice, but we unfortunately have no -accommodations for you at present. We have no place for you to sleep -’thout we put you in the barn, and the nights are ruther cold for that, -besides the rats might annoy you. Sorry you happened to come just at -this time, of all others the most embarrassin’. It’s not but what I -would like to have you stop with us; I would indeed, Mr. Sermonslice, -consider it an honor to have you.’ - -“The minister, takin’ his books under his arm, started out into the -night as though his life depended upon the most prompt kind of action. -He wasn’t within hailin’ inside of two minutes. He went over and -succeeded in gettin’ lodgin’s with a feller named Joe Grimsby, who lived -over by Frog Marsh. - -[Illustration: JOE GRIMSBY.] - -“Joe was too derned lazy to do his own prayin’, and while the parson -stopped with him he got rid of it. They do say he was the laziest old -curmudgeon that ever turned up his eyes. He used to say a praar at the -beginnin’ of the month, and on the followin’ nights he would always -allude to it in a sort of matter-offact way. ‘You know my feelin’s -towards ye. Nothin’ hid from ye I reckon. I haven’t changed my -sentiments yet. If I do I’ll let ye know of it. I’ll keep nothin’ back -from you, though it should take the har off.’ He would go on in that -business-like way, and the hul time be a crawlin’ into bed. - -“Wal, as I was goin’ to tell you, Gil and I poked into the buildin’, and -sat down thar amongst the congregation. - -“The minister hadn’t come yet, and pooty soon an old feller got up, and -ses he, ‘It may be the minister has had a late breakfast and will not -git here for some time yet. In the meantime, as it’s a dry season and -our crops need a shower of rain, we mout as well have a little prayin’ -goin’ on. We can’t do much harm anyhow, and we may be the means of -bringin’ down a good smart shower that will be money in our pockets in -the long run.’ - -“He asked several to take hold and do somethin’ in that way, but one had -a cold, and another one was just gettin’ over the mumps. And so on they -went makin’ excuses. Finally the old feller turned to me, and ses he: -‘Perhaps _you_ would lead us, you look like one who has had some -experience that way.’ - -“I thanked him for the compliment, but told him I was somethin’ like the -officers in the army—I would ruther foller than lead. But he stuck to me -like a Jew to a customer. Arter a while I consented, and jest as I was -about startin’ in, a feller come in and said the minister had got a -terrible ticklin’ in his throat caused by partly swallowin’ a har in the -butter over to old Joe Grimsby’s, and couldn’t attend to his duties that -day. So the old chap got up ag’in, and ses:— - -“‘We won’t have any preachin’ then, without some person present will -volunteer to act in our pastor’s place this mornin’.’ But no one spoke -up. ‘Perhaps,’ he ses, turnin’ to me, ‘you would favor us by conductin’ -the service, young man. You doubtless are competent to perform that -duty.’ - -“This sort of got me. Then the thought struck me perhaps I’d make -somethin’ out of ’em by it. Besides didn’t want to plead ignorance right -thar amongst ’em, so gettin’ up, I ses: ‘This is somewhat unexpected. -Honors foller one another pooty fast.’ With that I got into the pulpit -and began to look down at ’em pooty seriously. Thar was no Bible on the -desk, so I asked if thar was any person that would loan me one for the -occasion. - -“Some of ’em spoke up and said they had books, but were in the habit of -keepin’ em to foller along arter the minister, and correct him when he -made a mistake. Besides they liked to see how he worked out the text. I -looked at ’em some time pooty hard. I thought they beat anythin’ I had -come across for some time, and I had a good mind to git down ag’in, only -I allowed they’d laugh at me. So I ses, ‘all right. You can keep your -books. I reckon I know enough by heart to git along with.’ I then gin -out somethin’ for them to sing. - -“‘Short or long meter?’ inquired the leader of the singers, who were -settin’ over in the corner. I didn’t exactly understand him. As I knowed -he was in the habit of meetin’ Sal Clippercut over to Mrs. Curry’s every -Sunday afternoon, I allowed he was askin’ for somethin’ shorter, as he -was longin’ to meet her. I spoke up pooty sharp, and ses, ‘You will -please sing what I gin you to sing. I reckon you aren’t longin’ to meet -her so bad but what you can wait until arter the service is over. She’ll -keep that long, I reckon, without spilin’. I know her. She isn’t none of -your Spring chickens nuther,’ I contin’ed, just like that, and you ought -to have seen the way he looked; and the gals commenced to snicker and -crowd thar handkerchiefs into thar mouths. - -“One little red-faced critter that sat alongside of him tittered right -out. Her mother who was sittin’ near by jumped up and ses: ‘Becky Jane, -you go right straight hum this minute, and go to peelin’ the ‘taters for -dinner.’ But a feller who looked as though his mother had been a -mullator, or even somethin’ of a darker shade, got up and ses: - -“‘The gal isn’t to blame in the least. It’s that feller in the pulpit -thar. I for one don’t want to hear any more of his lingo.’ - -“‘Wal, then, you can stuff wool in your ears,’ I ses, ‘and you won’t -have far to go to get it nuther,’ I contin’ed, just that way, alludin’ -to his own har, which seemed pooty woolly. - -“You ought to see how they looked, fust at him, then at me. He colored -up, I reckon, but he was too black to show it. I heard him grit his -teeth from whar I was standin’. He didn’t say any more, but an old woman -who was settin’ near jumped up, and ses she: - -“‘The meetin’-house is turned into a thayeter! When a muntybank gets -into the pulpit it is high time for respectable people to be movin’. -I’ll leave!’ she exclaimed, pullin’ her shawl around her shoulders and -beginnin’ to bustle out of her seat. - -“‘Wal, ye kin go!’ I hollered, jest that way, for I was beginnin’ to git -sort of riled at the way things war a goin’. When I’m talkin’ politics -or arguin’ over the merits of whisky, I can bear crossin’ and any amount -of contradiction. But right thar, where a feller had to be choice of his -language, it was different business. ‘Ye kin go,’ I ses. ‘We kin git -along without you, I reckon. We’re willin’ to chance it, anyhow. Take -your knittin’ along; don’t leave that behind,’ I contin’ed, pointin’ to -the seat as though I saw it lyin’ thar. I didn’t though, but I wanted to -give her a mi’ty hard rub, for I suspected her piety was put on, and -that she was displeased because nobody was noticin’ her new bonnet. - -“The hul congregation took it for granted that the knittin’ _was_ thar, -and you ought to have seen ’em stretchin’ and cranin’ out thar necks as -far as they could to get a look into the pew. - -[Illustration: TRUTH IS POWERFUL.] - -One old feller that was settin’ back pooty far, craned out kind of -quarterin’ ruther suddenly and his neck gin a crack like a bon bon. He -commenced oh! ohin’ and tryin’ to git it back to its old position ag’in, -but he couldn’t make any headway until his wife went to rubbin’ and -chafin’ of it, right thar. - -“But that old woman, whew! She was as mad as a wet hen. She couldn’t -hardly find the door, she was so mixed up. When she finally got thar she -turned round and straightenin’ of herself up she ses, ‘Young -man!’—Before she got any further I broke in on her, for I judged she had -a tongue that was hung in the middle. So I ses, ‘That’ll do, that’ll do, -Mrs. You kin move along. You’re disturbin’ the peace of the -congregation, and besides all that you’re showin’ your false teeth mi’ty -bad in the bargain.’ - -“She got out arter that pooty lively, now I can tell you. I could see -her as she went up the road towards her home, and two or three times she -stopped and turnin’ around acted as though she had half a mind to come -back and try the hul thing over ag’in. But arter standin’ thar a while -thinkin’ like a pig when it’s listenin’ to the grass takin’ root, she -would shake her head and move along up the turnpike as though she -concluded she had enough of that kind of pie. - -“This piece of performance sort of throwed me off the track. While I was -standin’ thar thinkin’ where to start in with the discourse, Gil Bizby -come a crawfishin’ up the steps to one side of me and whisperin’ ses, ‘I -say, Jim, you haven’t got to chock blocks already, have ye?’ - -“‘No,’ I answered, ‘I ain’t got to chock blocks, but I’ve got the ropes -twisted around and things look ginnerally mixed jist now, I can tell -ye.’ - -“‘Wall, start in on the sermon at once then,’ he urged, ‘for they are -gettin’ mi’ty impatient now I can tell you. You’ve got to be doin’ -_somethin’_ pooty quick. But whatever you do,’ he contin’ed, ‘don’t git -up very high without havin’ some idea how you are goin’ to git down -ag’in. Keep steerin’ around waters that you’ve piloted over before. -Remember a blind mouse shouldn’t venture very far from its hole, -especially if thar’s a whole generation of cats watchin’ of it.’ - -“With that he backed down to his seat ag’in, and took out his pencil and -began to design a machine for pickin’ the bones out of fish, on the -fly-leaf of a book that was lyin’ thar. So I started in on the sermon. -It wasn’t much of a sermon, to be sure. It was more like a lectur’. I -couldn’t think of any passages of scriptur’ just then, so I gin ’em the -line from the philosopher, ‘Why does the frightened dog depress his tail -when he runneth?’ - -[Illustration: MR. SPUDD.] - -“You ought to have seen ’em rustlin’ and turnin’ the leaves, huntin’ to -find the passage. One old feller by the name of Spudd commenced to paw -over the pages, and his wife ses, ‘Don’t go that way; turn back to the -Book of Job.’ He looked round at her with his under lip stickin’ out -jest that way, arter wettin’ of his thumb to start turnin’ over ag’in, -and ses, ‘Job be biled and buttered! I kin pick old Solomon from amongst -a thousand of ’em. He was sound on the goose, he was.’ - -[Illustration: THE OLD INTERROGATOR.] - -“Two or three of ’em started in to ask me where the text was located, -but I kept on talkin’ right straight along, lookin’ around to all of ’em -at once and no one in particular. I didn’t gin ’em a chance to stop me -ag’in, or git a word in edgeways. One singular-lookin’ old coon with a -weed on his hat got up and stood signalin’ of me, and waitin’ and -watchin’ for a chance to ask me somethin’. But I never let on to see -him. I reckon he stood thar five minutes with his finger up pointin’ to -attract my attention, and his mouth open so wide, that from my elevated -position I could tell what he had swallowed for breakfast. - -“I gin ’em a sort of ramblin’ discourse, alludin’ to the prevailin’ -passions, and errors of the age. Amongst other things I touched on -jealousy a little,—I wanted to stir ’em up a trifle on that subject, -because there was a great deal of jealousy in that neighborhood. The -green-eyed monster was a-rantin’ and a-ravin’ round in a good many -households, and as it ginnerally turns out, there was least cause for it -where it was most prevailin’. One old feller was moved by the first -remark. When I said—quotin’ from the poet—‘Jealousy in the wife is wuss -than trichina in the pork,’ he leaned over to the man settin’ in the -next pew and ses, ‘I can’t tell you for the life of me whar he gits the -passage, but it’s the solid truth, anyhow.’ - -“So I went on and finished the sermon, or lectur’ ruther, and then I -ses, ‘The choir will please sing the hymn beginnin’ “Give, give, give to -the needy,” arter which I will pass around amongst the congregation and -take up a collection for the benefit of the heathen in furrin parts.’ - -“Je-whitteker! You ought to have seen ’em turn around and look at each -other when I said that. I can’t describe it to you. I can’t do the scene -justiss. If I had told ’em I was goin’ to stay with them through the -season, I could hardly have started ’em to thinkin’ any more than I did -by tellin’ ’em about that collection for the heathen in furrin parts. - -“Arter two or three attempts the singin’ began. I closed my eyes, and -leanin’ back in my chair minister-like, commenced to estimate the -probable yield of each pew. While I was thinkin’ thar, and cal’latin’ -how much I would make by the preachin’ business, I noticed the singin’ -dyin’ out, and a dyin’ out slowly like, as the prisoner said his hopes -were when the sheriff was a-fumblin’ around his neck adjustin’ the rope. -So I opened my eyes easy like, as though comin’ back to earthly scenes -reluctantly, and you can water my whiskey if I wasn’t just in time to -see ole Ned Scullet’s coat-tails whiskin’ around the door jamb, the -hindmost rag of the congregation. Women and children and all were gone -sure enough. On lookin’ out of the winder I see ’em a-scatterin’ and -a-hustlin’ and elbowin’ themselves ahead of each other along the -turnpike, as though thar was great danger in bein’ left behind. - -“Would you believe it, thar was that plaguey shirk Gil Bizby a-cranin’ -up the hill a-leadin’ the crowd. I sat thar a while lookin’ after ’em -and then, comin’ down I began to look around a little, and pooty soon I -noticed that several of ’em left thar hats, they were in such a hurry to -git out. So I selected a good one, only ’twas a little out of fashion, -and puttin’ it on I ses to myself, ‘If you think I’m interested enough -in your welfare here or hereafter to preach to you for nothin’, you’re -mistaken, I reckon.’ With that I walked out, but not until I had kicked -the remainin’ hats around the room pooty lively. - -“The next day I noticed an old feller with a dilapidated beaver on, that -looked as if it had done duty on a scarecrow for several seasons, -sidlin’ up to me, and circlin’ around two or three times lookin’ mi’ty -close at my tile. I’ll allers think it was his stove-pipe, but he was -too much ashamed to come right out and lay claim to it. - -“But that Gil Bizby! I didn’t wonder so much at the congregation -dustin’, arter all, cause they didn’t know me, but _he_!—well, no -matter, I’ll git even on him yet.” - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE POISONED PET. - - -It was my good fortune the other day to attend a picnic in the country. -A lady friend insisted on tacking her pet boy to me on that occasion. As -she couldn’t go herself she wanted me to have an eye to “sonney,” and -see that he didn’t come in contact with poison-oak. She assured me he -was a good boy and would mind me as if I was his father! I didn’t pine -for the pet’s company, but could not very well refuse her request. So he -went with me. - -I very soon found out he was one of those smart children, who, by a -strange freak of nature, are placed in possession of an impudence that -prompts them to believe they know more at the age of eight than your -average adult. - -My will and his wishes soon clashed. - -Then the thought entered my head that his mother misrepresented -“sonney’s” obedient nature. “If this is the obedience that an offspring -manifests to a father,” I mentally murmured, “it were better to be -destitute of the offspring.” The boy sauced me. He even went so far as -to call me names anything but flattering, while I was sitting in the -presence of a young lady I most ardently adored. “Go on, sonney!” I said -to myself savagely, “go on, precocious youth, there are no raging bears -in this suburban park to tear the flesh from the bones of mouthy -children who ‘sauce’ their betters, as did the animals in the days of -prophets; but nature in other ways has made provision for such as you, -and has sprinkled a few shrubs around here that can pile the flesh on to -a person’s bones to an alarming degree, if they get a fair chance.” - -After that I paid no attention to him. He ran at will, browsed through -the vines like a hungry deer, and burrowed into the very heart of the -poison-oak and ivy, with as little fear as a quail retiring to roost. He -enjoyed himself immensely; so he informed me in the evening. I am glad -he did, for he is having a quiet time of it now. I saw him this morning, -and his face was as full of expression as a Christmas pudding new rolled -from the cloth. I think my lady friend will not be over-anxious to -appoint me guardian over her dutiful son at another picnic. In the -interests of art I have made a sketch of “sonney” as he appeared this -morning, striving to recognize me by my voice, which he failed to do, -however, being deaf as he was blind. - -[Illustration: HAVING A QUIET TIME.] - - - - - SEEKING FOR A WIFE. - - -And it came to pass about the year one thousand eight hundred and -seventy-three, being in the autumn, when the new wine was oozing from -the press, and the corn was hardening in the crib, a bachelor, a farmer -of great possessions, dwelling in the valley of Berryessa, bent above -his resting plow, and thus communed with himself:— - -“My stacks are builded, my wine is dripping from the press, the ripe -ears are garnered in my cribs, my flocks and herds feed fat upon the -hills; and yet, because of my loneliness, am I unhappy. - -“I will arise at eve and repair to my neighbor’s cottage. Peradventure -the aged widow of the murdered gypsy can counsel me.” - -So when the evening hour was come, the farmer arose and sought the aged -widow’s abode. - -And as he drew nigh to the cottage, he lifted up his eyes and, behold! -the crone sat upon her door-step. - -[Illustration: THE CRONE.] - -And when the dame looked upon the farmer she knew his heart was -troubled; but she knew not the cause. - -So, lifting up her voice she cried, inquiringly: “What aileth my -neighbor? Has aught befel thy goods? Has bruin descended from the -mountains to worry thy flocks? Or, are thy stacks consumed? that thus -you droop your eyelids to the path, and move as by a hearse.” - -And the farmer, drawing nigh, replied: “My flocks unharmed graze sleek -upon the hills; my stacks stand unconsumed; yet is my spirit heavy, -because my walks are lonely and my heart is sad, and I come as one -seeking counsel.” - -Then answered the dame reprovingly: “Out upon thee, for a fusty, dreamy -bachelor! Go take to thyself a wife; then will thy walks be no more -lonely, neither will thy heart be sad.” - -But he, answering her sorrowfully, said: “Mock me not, good madam, but -look with pitying eyes upon me, and hearken to my voice. - -“Behold I am now well stricken in years, my body is stooping to the -grave, my manners, like my hands, are rough; my blood, like my hair, is -thin; and my teeth but shine in memories of the past. - -“How, then, can I win maidens’ hearts? Alas! on the contrary, they would -giggling flee from before me; no hope for me remains; if I would wed, I -needs must wed a squaw!” And his countenance fell. - -Then was the crone exceedingly displeased, because he said, “I needs -must wed a squaw,” and she answered him derisively, saying:— - -“Go to! Ye speak as with the beak of a parrot, and with the -understanding of a babe! Are ye studied in books and know not the -proverb, ‘A golden snare will catch the wildest hare?’ - -“Do not your stacks dot the vale below like an Egyptian camp? Are not -your tanks brimming with wine and your cribs grinning with corn? - -“Do not your cattle graze upon an hundred hills? and your industrious -laborers follow in the furrow? And are ye still afeared? Oh, ye of -doubting mind! - -“Go, get thee to thy chest and take to thyself suitable coin, and hasten -to that great city by the sea—whose churches point to heaven, but whose -people bow to gold. - -“There sojourn for a season, and make no delay in adorning thyself with -precious stones. - -“Put diamonds upon thy bosom and rings upon thy fingers, and be zealous -to stand in the hall-ways and in the market-places, and in the houses of -exchange. - -“Seek to be observed of the people, and take heed that ye look upon all -men as being thy servants. - -“And let thy wealth be noised abroad. - -“Then shall rise up in the house of mourning the widow of a month, and -dry her weeping eyes. - -“Then shall the maid of many summers lay aside her pets, to readjust her -charms, and disinter her smiles. - -“Then shall the doting damsel, when her parent maketh fast the door, -creep out some other way. - -“And they all shall come trooping as with the voice of birds to court -thy smiles and thy manners, and thy years shall be as the silk of the -spider in thy way.” - -Then was he exceedingly glad because of the crone’s advice, and he went -away to his own home rejoicing. - -[Illustration: ATTENDING TO BUSINESS.] - -And on the morrow he arose before it was yet day, and saddled his mule, -and journeyed to the great city by the sea, and lodged at the house of a -friend. - -And he made haste to purchase diamonds, and rubies, and emeralds, and -onyx-stones, and sapphires, and put massive rings upon his fingers, and -seals upon his chain. - -And even as the crone had directed, he scrupled not to stand in the -hall-ways, and in the market-places, and in the houses of exchange, and -sought to be observed of the people, and lived as a man having great -possessions. - -And not many days after, a fair lady of that place looking from her -window, saw that the stranger shone like the mid-day sun, even so much -that her heart was warmed. - -So she called the keeper of the house aside and questioned him -concerning the stranger, saying:— - -“Who is this stranger that lodgeth in thy house, who beameth with jewels -like the noonday sun? Make him known to me, for he is a choice and -goodly man, and my heart warmeth for the stranger.” - -[Illustration: PARTNER WANTED.] - -Then answered the good man of the house, “He is a sojourner from the -valley of Berryessa, and lo, he is a man of great possessions; and -moreover, take heed if he cometh in your way, that ye smile graciously -upon him, for be it known unto you he is a bachelor, who cometh amongst -us seeking a wife.” - -Then was the damsel exceedingly moved. - -And when it came to pass that the stranger was introduced to her, she -smiled graciously upon him, and she opened her mouth and spake knowingly -of barley, and of rye, and of corn in the ear, and of tares. - -And she also spake of four-footed beasts, of calves, of pigs, and of -goats, and cattle after their kind; and of fowls; of doves, and of -ducks, and of geese, and poultry after their kind. - -And she spoke also of cabbages, and of squashes, and of turnips, and of -new laid eggs, and of honey, and of buckwheat cakes, and of cheese, and -of sausages! - -And lo! the farmer’s heart was touched, for she was comely to look upon, -and wise withal. - -And he communed within himself, saying: “Surely this maid would indeed -be a great catch, she would make her husband’s home cheerful, and in -divers ways pluck from the palm of life the festering thorns. Beshrew -me, but I will lay strong siege to the damsel’s heart.” - -So he made haste to pull wide open the mouth of his purse and loaded her -with presents, for the damsel had found favor in his eyes, and he sought -to win her. - -And not many days after he espoused the maiden, and there was great -feasting and merry making at that house, and the same was heard of the -neighbors. - -And on the following day, the farmer took her to his own home, in the -valley of Berryessa, and they lived happily together for the space of -many years. - - - - - DAVID GOYLE, THE MILLER MAN. - - “’Tis a strange cap: ’Twill give and take, and fit many heads.”—_Old - Volume._ - - - Oh, will you hear with patient ear, - The story I’ll relate - About man’s infidelity, - And learn his losses great? - - There lived a little miller once, - Who owned a tiny mill; - While there was water in his pond - The stones were never still. - For not a man the country round, - From Inyo to the Bay, - Was closer to his business found, - Than David Goyle, they say. - - Let people pass at eve, or noon, - Or at the break of day, - They’d see the dusty miller there - And hear the hoppers play; - But when the narrow stream run dry, - The miller was at fault; - The rack-a-tacket mill reposed - As silent as a vault. - - The little vicious artisan - Had spun his silken snare - Across the dusty flour-chute, - And silent gearing there; - While in the elevator’s cup - Was heard the mouse’s squeak, - And village children in the flume - Dry-shod, played hide-and-seek. - - Said David to his wife one day, - “I think, while water’s low, - I’ll take a business trip to town, - Just for a week or so; - I have not ground a peck of grain, - ’Tis now eight days or more; - But sat and picked, and picked the stones, - And dressed their surface o’er.” - - Then turned his little loving wife— - With much concern, said she, - “I hope while you are stopping there, - That you will careful be; - And shun those dark and narrow streets - Where rogues do congregate, - And look from out their low retreats - As spiders watch and wait. - - “Have not the city papers teemed - With incidents, wherein - Some people proved not what they seemed, - And took the stranger in? - Then trust not smiles, or cunning wiles; - Be careful where you tread; - The very ground beneath your feet - With pitfalls may be spread; - There’s not a trick, a trap, or plot, - Or scheme of any sort— - From playing fine to drugging wine— - To which they’ll not resort.” - - Then leaned this little miller man - Away back in his chair, - And laughed until his anxious wife - Thought he would strangle there. - Said he, “You much amuse me, wife; - Have you forgot, my dear, - That I have traveled in my life, - And came from Jersey here? - - “Or can you for a moment think - Your husband’s mind is crude? - Or deem that I the cup would drink, - By Temperance men tabooed? - Those who can get the start of me, - In country or in town, - By Jove, must early risers be, - And you can put that down.” - - For he was vain, this miller man, - Who thought his mind so vast; - But look with me, and we will see - How he comes out at last. - - In course of time he reached the town, - To stop a week or more; - And in a large hotel was lodged, - Upon the second floor; - If you should doubt my word in this, - Step over to the “Grand;” - You’ll find his name recorded there, - And in a scrawling hand. - - It chanced—but hold! ere more I say, - Or sentence more you read, - Are you prepared with me to stray - Wherever he may lead? - You are! all right, then “on’s” the word, - Again my pen I hold, - And blame me not, if I should jot - Down facts he’d wish untold. - - It chanced while Dave was strolling down - A certain crowded street,— - (Its name at present slips my mind, - Or you’d have all complete)— - He met a stranger in the way, - Who brought him to a stand; - He smiled upon him as in joy - And reached a friendly hand. - -[Illustration: THE NEW ACQUAINTANCE.] - - He hailed the stranger, no, I think, - The stranger him addressed; - I would not do the fellow wrong, - He’s bad enough at best. - The stranger spoke him very free; - He came from Jersey, too; - For he was sharp as one can be; - He thought his folks he knew. - - “There was a Goyle;—yes, yes, I’m sure; - How strange that we should meet! - I’ve passed his house a thousand times, - And met him on the street.” - The miller scarce could credit this; - But frank he seemed and fair, - So he resolved to step inside, - And talk the matter there. - - There is a drug that bunco men - Do mingle with the wine - They give to country friends like Dave, - For what, I can’t divine. - Perhaps those thoughtful rascals deem - The noisiness of town - Might not allow refreshing sleep - To weigh their eyelids down. - - But whether this the cause, or not, - Enough for you and me - To know, the wine that David got - Was not from mixtures free! - Oh! for a club to brain the knave - Who could not see the snare; - Oh! for a spade to dig his grave, - And dump him headlong there. - - The night has passed away at last; - Now hand in hand we’ll scout, - Now here, now there, with greatest care, - To search that miller out. - Thus, side and side, we first will glide - O’er letter, word, and line; - Until we stand that house beside, - Where Dave was drinking wine. - - Oh, sight! so painful to the eyes, - It dims them like a fog! - Within the house the miller lies, - As still as any log! - And not until the sun was high, - And bells in towers spoke, - From out that deep lethargic sleep - He wonderingly awoke. - - He gazed upon the papered wall; - The ceiling overhead; - But strange was paper, pictures all, - The foot-board of the bed. - Swift as the lightning’s flash destroys - The spider’s flimsy toil, - Suspicion traveled through the head - Of the awakening Goyle. - - As starts the lodger from repose, - When flames burst in the door, - So suddenly that miller rose, - And bounced upon the floor; - One stride sufficed to reach the chair; - On which his robes were cast; - But seemed it to that man an age, - Until he grasped them fast. - - No nimbler does the maiden’s hand - Play o’er the keys of sound, - Than did that miller’s fingers glide - In searching pockets round. - In vain he felt from tail to top; - The thief had gone before, - And harvested a golden crop, - While he did dream and snore. - - Gone was his purse, and all within; - A ring he valued more; - Gone watch and chain, the diamond pin - That on his scarf he wore. - His little wife with miser care, - (And warning words, no doubt,) - With her own hands affixed it there - The morning he set out. - - Enraged, that miller waltzed around, - And like his hopper shook: - And swore by all the grists he ground, - And all the tolls he took, - That since the days when he was schooled - In games of pitch and toss, - He never was so deeply fooled, - Or so betrayed to loss! - - Ten times at least, that pallid man - Strove to insinuate - His nervous limbs into his pants, - But failed to guide them straight. - First hop, hop, hop, to left he went, - Now, hop, hop, hop, to right! - Then hop, hop, backwards, till he rent - The pants asunder quite! - -[Illustration: A ONE-SIDED OPERATION.] - - Now partly in and partly out, - He polka’d here and there, - Now _chasse_ up, now _chasse_ back, - Then balanced o’er the chair. - At last his toilet was complete, - The yawning rent was pinned, - And out into the narrow street - He bolted like the wind. - - He traveled towards the City Hall, - And vowed at every bound - That justice would he seek and have, - If justice could be found. - The milkmen stopped their reckless drive, - Or dropped the cup and can, - And leaned to catch a glimpse of Dave - As down the street he ran. - - Old women early out to mass - When Dave went racking by, - Would jump aside to let him pass, - Then to each other cry: - “The saints protect us! see him go - Upon his wild career; - A crazy creature well I know, - From some asylum near.” - - Suffice it here to be explained - Before I close the tale, - The justice David Goyle obtained, - Was not of much avail. - - Go net the sea to catch the whale - That did on Jonah dine; - Go rake the land to find the stone - That slew the Philistine; - But seek not her whose hoodwink’d eyes, - Proclaim her dealings just; - Well hangs her balance in the skies, - For here on earth they’d rust. - - The rumbling stones are grinding now, - The water’s rushing down; - But do not bet that miller yet - Forgets his trip to town. - For every waking hour he knows - Throughout the twenty-four, - His scowling face and muttering shows - He counts his losses o’er. - - There’s not a time he laves his hands, - But what that ring is missed! - (Its gold he gathered from the sands, - A gift the amethyst). - And oh, the query gives him pain, - “What is the time of day?” - For to the missing watch and chain - The miller’s mind will stray. - And now no more upon his breast - The brilliant diamond shines, - Its lustre falls in other halls - Where flow the noxious wines. - -[Illustration] - - - - - HEELS UP AND HEAD DOWN. - - -A stout old gentleman was enjoying the luxury of a salt-water bath in -the bay, a short distance from where I was fishing. As he was a poor -swimmer—notwithstanding he had a good supply of blubber—he attached a -couple of inflated air-bags to his shoulders, by means of a string under -his arm-pits. During his splashing about, and his repeated endeavors to -strike out like Cassius bearing Cæsar from the troubled waters of the -Tiber, the floats changed their position from his shoulders to his hips. -This change he was not prepared for, and the result was distressing in -the extreme. He immediately commenced sinking—as sailors say—by the -head. In vain would he make long and desperate reaches toward the -bottom, striving to anchor his feet in the soft sand. Just as his toes -would touch the bed below, the buoyancy of the supports and undercurrent -combined would prevail against him. - -Up would come his pedal extremities to the surface, and consequently -down he would go, head first, like a pearl diver, grasping at the -pebbles beneath. After making a commotion in the water like the screw of -a tug boat, which brought small crabs and crawfish to the top with -dismembered limbs, he would manage to get his head above water long -enough to get a mouthful of fresh air, but retire immediately below to -digest it. Some Italian fishermen, running in from the offing with their -day’s catch, sighted the old gentleman beating off the Point. They -mistook him for a “devil fish,” or some other odd-looking inhabitant of -the briny deep, disporting itself in the sheltered waters of the bay. -Getting out their hooks and harpoons ready for action, and changing -course, they bore down with all possible speed in the direction of the -singular monster. - -The wind was blowing quite fresh, and it wasn’t long until the Italians -came nigh enough to ascertain the real state of affairs, and rescue the -unfortunate swimmer from his perilous situation. The fishermen rolled -the old gentleman over a keg they had in the boat for half an hour, -before his stomach could be emptied of its washy load and breathing -rendered easy. When sufficiently relieved to admit of speech, the bather -gave his rescuers to understand that in future the tide might ebb and -flow, be warm as milk new drawn from the cow, and tranquil as a frozen -pond, but a common bath-tub would be rivers, lakes—yea, oceans—to him -during the remainder of his natural life. - - - - - THE BITTER END. - - -While in one of the interior counties to-day I stood beside the graves -of six members of one household. The father and his five sons all fell -in one sanguinary family feud. - -It seems an ill feeling had long existed between two families named -respectively Frost and Coates. Though they frequently indulged in small -skirmishes—from which black eyes, bloody noses, or slit ears were the -principal trophies borne away—they had never met when their full forces -were under arms. And for the happy hour that would bring about such a -meeting, each party looked forward with interest, if not impatience. - -A day arrived at last, full of promise. It was an election day. Each -party expected the other out in strength, with furbished arms, and -prepared themselves accordingly. They took the street, resolved, that— - - “Ere the bat had flown - His cloistered flight: ere to black Hecate’s summons - The shard-borne beetle, with his drowsy hums, - Had rung night’s yawning peal, there would be done - A deed of dreadful note.” - -Two planets keep not their motion in one sphere, nor could two -quarrelsome families move long in a small village, or freely patronize -the same groggeries without a collision. Towards evening they met, some -mounted and more on foot, and from low jests amongst themselves -respecting each other’s lack of prowess upon former occasions, the -controversy soon reached the point of positive contradictions. As the -“lie direct” is equivalent to a well-developed kick to your average -fighting man, hostilities soon commenced. - -[Illustration: LIVELY WORK.] - -The Coates family opened the engagement with a brisk fusilade, and at -the first fire the gray-bearded patriarch of the Frost faction went down -with all his imperfections on his head. - -The firing now became general. “From rank to rank, the volleyed thunder -flew.” - -Neutral parties fled from the street, and for a time transacted business -with “closed doors.” The report of the firearms frightened the horse of -a disinterested gentleman, who was riding through the village, and -despite his efforts to control the animal, it dashed directly between -the belligerent parties. The fighting men, however, did not slacken fire -on his account, but blazed away without seeming to notice or care -whether the agitated stranger went down in the general _melee_ or not. -Fortunately, the gentleman escaped injury, but it was certainly more by -chance than good guidance. It is said so rapid was the fire that a -steady blaze seemed issuing from the muzzle of their weapons. When the -smoke of battle raised, five of the Coates family were lying dead. - -On the other side, Frost and one of his sons were killed, and a -son-in-law mortally wounded. People say the funeral was a saddening -spectacle. Amongst the mourners were mothers, daughters, sisters and -wives. - -But the end was not yet. - -Before the grass had taken root upon the graves, the ground was again -broken, and another victim of the malignant feud was hidden from the -sight of friends and foes. - -The fires of hate still smouldered, and within a year another of the -Coates family was put _hors du combat_, while going one night from the -village to his ranch. - -He was seen leaving for home on horseback at nine o’clock, but about ten -his horse ran masterless into the farm-yard. The man was found lying by -the roadside dead, a bullet having passed through his head. Suspicion -reverted to the Frost family, but no proof could be brought to establish -their guilt. The public finger still points toward them, however, and -doubtless will continue so to do for many a day, or until the mystery is -cleared up. - -[Illustration] - - - - - A TRIP TO THE INTERIOR. - - -A flying trip into the interior has not favorably impressed me. There -were too many mosquitoes—too many graybacks. It is too far from -civilization, and too nigh the sun. I stopped over night in a small -city, and the first thing that attracted my attention on entering the -place was the pale and sickly look of the inhabitants. This I attributed -to the fever and ague, the hot weather, and impure river water which -they drink. I was credibly informed by several parties that their pallor -was owing to the quantity of blood that is nightly extracted from their -veins by the mosquitoes. From the number of these pests infesting the -place, it has taken the name of “The Mosquito City.” - -Those people who cannot indulge in such a luxury as mosquito bars, have -to sleep during the day. They sit up nights and wage war against their -ferocious enemies with tobacco smoke, burning leather, wet towels, or -any other weapon to which they can conveniently resort. - -[Illustration: A MOSQUITO ON THE SCENT.] - -To be stung by a black hornet or a scorpion is bad; to be bitten by a -tarantula or rattlesnake is worse; but to be punctured to the bone by -the bugle of one of these mosquitoes is terrible. They are enormous -insects. When flying through the air they are as discernible as -thistle-down, or even humming birds. The sharp tube through which they -sap their victim’s blood is fully three-quarters of an inch long, and -resembles a cambric needle; this they steadily and unhesitatingly press -into the flesh until they either strike a bone, or their forehead -prevents them from doing deeper injury. - -Towards evening they rise with pining maws from the low, damp land -around the city— - - “Innumerable as the blades of green, - That carpet the vale of the San Joaquin;” - -and as they close in upon the devoted inhabitants, their blended cries -swell in pitch and compass until the sound resembles the impassioned -tone of a fish-peddler’s horn. I stopped at a hotel in the lower part of -the city, and before retiring for the night looked carefully about the -room. As few mosquitoes were in sight, I concluded to sleep without -using the bar. Congratulating myself on being assigned a room where so -few of the common enemy of man were lying in wait, I extinguished the -light and turned in. - -Scarce was I stretched upon the couch when - - “At once there rose such hungry yells, - From every point the compass tells,” - -that I lost no time in striking a light and adjusting the netting. I now -saw them emerging from every conceivable hiding place. Trooping they -came, from behind picture-frames, from under the bureau; out of vases -and old empty bottles. They were climbing and clambering and pitching -towards me with energy. I noticed a steady stream of them shooting out -of the closet through the key-hole, with such velocity that they went -warping half-way across the apartment before they could check themselves -sufficiently to tack around and dive for the bed. - -They had all they bargained for, to get safely through that key-hole, -too. There was not much spare room, I can tell you. But for the great -pressure from behind kept up by others anxious to get through, many a -large fellow would have been sticking in that opening yet. But once they -got started in, there was no backing out; no, indeed! On! on’, was the -cry, and they pressed forward with a rush, often sacrificing a leg or -wing by the maneuver. But they didn’t seem to care for the loss of one -of those members so long as their bill remained intact. Deprive a -mosquito of one wing, and he will seem to laugh at you while he makes -the other do double duty. Brush off one leg, and he will shake the -remaining ones triumphantly in your face. - -[Illustration: TO THE HILT IN BLOOD.] - -But damage his bill and you demoralize him at once. He becomes -immediately disheartened. He loses caste among his companions and -confidence in himself. He wabbles about here and there to no purpose, -like an old bachelor. You deprive him at once of his song and his -supper. You can hardly picture to yourself a more dejected insect, one -more hopelessly down in the mouth. He withdraws to the ceiling, or -curtain, and looks with envious eyes upon his associates gorging -themselves while his poor digestive organs are drying through -inactivity. - -We would be inclined to pity him in his sad condition, were it not that -we hold the whole insect race as coming under our ban. The whine of -disappointment, long, loud and quavering, that went up when they -ascertained I was protected, will always remain a fixture in my memory. - -As they closed around the bed, so numerous were they, their flight was -actually impeded. Down they settled with locked wings on the bar above -me, thick as snow-flakes around some old uprooted pine by the Madawaska. -I had long heard of the mosquitoes of this locality, and was prepared -for an introduction to formidable insects, but found them even worse -than I expected. - -Discouraged by the mosquitoes, I fled to a neighboring city, only to -find that it is the stronghold of fever and ague. In other parts it may -be more active for a few months of the year, but here it stays by the -people like their consciences. The winds may rise and comb the valley -until the very grass is lifted by the roots and borne to the mountains. -The sun may grow weary of well doing, enter Capricorn, and for a season -be hid; or the rains may descend until the narrow slough—by which the -city is situated—becomes a wide-spreading lake, through which ships of -the line might plow with safety; but the chills and fever stays by them -still. There is no “shaking” it off. It holds its grip like a mortgage. -The tender limbs of the new-born babe, and the pithless bones of ripe -old age, shiver alike in its awful grasp. - -The citizens of this sad place are a serious, matter-of-fact people, who -seem to think it was not the original intention that men should spend -any time in laughter, for they indulge very little in witticisms or -humor. A good joke is often lost upon them, and the perpetrator of a bad -one places himself in jeopardy. A person who attempts a pun that does -not carry its point before it, like a sword-fish, is in danger of being -immediately seized from behind and hurried in the direction of the -Insane Asylum. - -While stopping in this delightful place I visited the small theatre of -which the inhabitants are justly proud, and shall never forgive myself -if I fail to mention the orchestra, that discoursed most eloquent music -on that occasion. - -[Illustration: THE ORCHESTRA.] - -Whether the regular musicians of the theatre were on a strike for higher -wages, and the manager was obliged to bring in outside talent, I did not -learn; but certain it was, the sole instrument that kept the audience -awake between the acts, the night in question, was a large piece—a -bassoon, I think—filled and manipulated by a stout, spectacled -representative from the Faderland. - -In addition to the musician’s frog-shaped body—which of itself would -doubtless have attracted my attention—he had a head that was truly a -study. To say he was bald, is to make a remark that would be applicable -to about two-thirds of the gentlemen in the theatre, but to say that his -head was as smooth, as shiny, and devoid of hair, from the eyebrows to -the very nape of the neck, as a billiard ball, is hardly doing the head -justice. It seemed actually peeled. - -Besides, it was of a conical form, and as I looked upon it I thought -what an advantage it would have been to me in my younger days if I had -had some such thing in the barn-yard, over which to break pumpkins for -the cattle. I am certain a pumpkin or squash brought down upon such an -object with well-centred precision, would fly into as many fragments as -the Turkish Empire. - -I was not the only person whose attention was arrested by that marvelous -development. If a diamond the size of a rutabaga had suddenly flashed, -the audience would scarcely have turned with greater haste to -contemplate its beauties than they did to regard that head the instant -the hat was removed. - -It had such a smooth and polished surface that the actors, as they -passed back and forth upon the stage, were mirrored out upon it in -Liliputian proportions. The large globe light was reflected so perfectly -upon that glossy scalp that it shed a positive light to remote corners -of the auditorium; and a person would look first at the head, then up at -the globe, and then down at the head again, and _then_ hardly be -prepared to decide from which object the original rays of light -proceeded. - -The musician had one original “turn” which afforded me much amusement. -At the commencement of a tune he would sit facing the stage, which was -proper enough; but as he proceeded he would turn by degrees until he was -sitting full face to the audience. - -The gods in the gallery seemed to consider it their especial privilege -to pelt his head with peanuts; and when one would happen to hit—which -was quite often—it would bound and skip from the polished object in a -manner that would invariably bring down the house. - -Standing as it did in bold relief from the dark panel-work and drapery -behind, it was a most excellent and inviting mark. Man though I am, with -the sobering cares of life closing gloomily around me, I actually -regretted I couldn’t try a shot at the old codger’s head myself. - -It has been said “The king of Shadows loves a shining mark.” If this is -so, how that musician managed to escape the arrows so long is more than -I can understand. For many a year he certainly has presented a target -worthy the whole archery of the realm of Death. - -The evening’s entertainment was made up of selections from Shakespeare’s -tragedies, “Macbeth,” and “Othello.” - -[Illustration: MACBETH.] - -The principal actor, whose name I forget, was the oddest and hungriest -looking player I ever saw stalk across a stage, or foam and fret in -histrionic effort. He looked as though he had been dangling from the -lowest spoke of Fortune’s wheel for the last twenty years. His make-up -was terrible also, and after I learned the performance was not an -intentional burlesque, I could hardly keep from hooting whenever he -appeared. As the evening advanced, however, he warmed up considerably. -When he appeared as the murderous Thane moving toward the apartments of -his slumbering victim, huskily repeating the thrilling lines, “The bell -invites me! I go, and it is done!” he looked every inch a villain, and -the little theatre rung again with the clapping and clattering of the -enthusiastic audience. In “Othello” his dress was even worse than in -“Macbeth.” In the scene where he smothers Desdemona, he was barefooted, -and looked supremely ridiculous. I would have given double the amount I -paid for admission for the glorious privilege of kicking him across the -stage. - -[Illustration: OTHELLO.] - -The customary pitcher-shaped lamp which the “Moor” usually bears in his -hand upon this occasion, and to which he alludes when he says:— - - “If I quench thee, thou flaming minister, - I can again thy former light restore, - Should I repent me,” - -was not procurable. The tragedian therefore carried a candle stuck in -the neck of a large wine-bottle, and under his left arm he carried a -pillow about the size of a single-bed mattress, with which to put out -the light of the fair Desdemona, who was lying upon a lounge at the left -of the stage. I was too great a lover of Shakespeare to sit longer by -and witness the terrible butchery. I arose and left the house, and as I -passed out, the pitying glances of the audience informed me that they -didn’t understand the real state of affairs, but thought I was taken -suddenly ill. I was ill at ease, and had been, during the entire -evening. - -On the way down the next morning an over land passenger made my -acquaintance on the cars, and while conversing about the long snow sheds -and tunnels he had passed, I informed him of the long tunnel through -which we would pass on leaving the valley. - -“Are we near that tunnel now?” he asked. “Yes,” I answered, “we will -enter it in about fifteen minutes.” “Is the tunnel dark?” he inquired. -“Yes, very dark,” I replied, “ten shades darker than a cloudy midnight.” -“By jingo!” he cried, “that’s just the thing for me. I forgot to put on -a clean shirt last night, and I hate like the deuce to arrive at my -destination looking as I do now. Do you think a fellow would have time -to put a shirt on while passing through it?” he continued, earnestly. - -“He might,” I answered, “if he had it ready before reaching the tunnel.” - -“Well, I’ll try a pull, anyway,” he said, as he took down the valise -from a rack overhead to select the garment. “I’ll have it all ready for -a hoist,” he continued, “and if I don’t climb into it faster than a -spark into a chimney, I’m not what I think I am, that’s all;” and with a -look of determination he went to a seat in the rear of the car, and for -a time seemed busily engaged preparing for the great change. - -I had made an error in regard to the time that would elapse before we -reached the tunnel, and the result was we reached it before he was fully -prepared for it. Into it the locomotive plunged with a wild scream. -Gloom closed around the passengers, hiding the nearest objects from -their view. On we sped. The rattling of the trucks told us rail after -rail was passed, but still a darkness that might be felt enveloped the -rushing train. - -Those who were conversing as the car entered the tunnel, stopped as -though the icy hand of death had been laid upon their throat. The -half-uttered word rested upon the tongue, and the tunnel, like a long -dash, stretched between the parts of a sentence. - -I thought of the passenger, doubtless by this time struggling into his -linen, and turned around in my seat facing him. With considerable -interest I waited the return of light. At last it came glimmering far -ahead. Plainer and plainer the objects grew around, and first and most -noticeable of all, was the tall form of the passenger from over the -mountains, leaning over the seat in front of him, enveloped in his snowy -linen, his hands stuck in the sleeves at the elbows, and his head vainly -endeavoring to shoot through the opening at the neck, which in his haste -he had neglected to unbutton. - -[Illustration: A STARTLING APPARITION.] - -Notwithstanding his head was enveloped, he was conscious that light had -dawned upon the scene, and his struggles and frantic thrusts became -painful to look upon. - -Finally the fastening at the neck gave way, and his face came through -the opening, red as a pickled beet. Fortunately most of the passengers -were sitting with backs toward him and but few witnessed the terrible -struggle. One old lady, however, got nearly frightened out of her wits. -When objects began to grow visible around her, she became suddenly -apprised of the startling fact that a white figure was bent over her, -with outstretched wings fanning the air, and she very naturally came to -the conclusion that an angel was about to gather her to her fathers. - -The ashen look of the poor old body, as she stole a glance over her -shoulder at the white object behind, showed that however fitted she -was—in respect of years—for the final taking off, she was anything but -willing to start upon such an uncertain journey. - -[Illustration] - - - - - HUNTING WITH A VENGEANCE. - - “That man received his charge from me.” - —_Shakespeare._ - - -My friend butcher Gale has been quail hunting under difficulties. His -case is a sad one, and as I feel in somewhat of a rhyming mood at -present, I will invoke the gods, and with eyes in “fine frenzy rolling,” -proceed to state his case in verse. - - “Come leave your hogs,” said lawyer Boggs - To red-faced butcher Gale, - “We’ll take a day across the bay, - And slather lots of quail.” - - Soon guns were got, and bags of shot, - With powder, wads, and caps, - And up the canyons dry and hot, - Tramped these two city chaps. - - Old lawyer Boggs had borrowed dogs - Well worth their weight in gold; - The setter had a “double nose,” - And it of her was told, - - That she could scent two different ways - As easy as you please; - While one nose smelled along the ground, - The other sniffed the trees. - -[Illustration: ADVANCE OF THE EXPEDITION.] - - The pointer had peculiar traits; - His power of scent was small; - But if he saw three birds at once, - He pointed at them all. - - For while his nose would indicate - Where one poor piper sat, - His tail, straight as a marline-spike, - Would point another at; - - Then if a third one raised its head, - Preparing for the air, - That dog would balance on three legs, - And aim the other there. - - With such a pair the quick to scare, - And then retrieve the dead, - The hunters’ sole remaining care - Was how to scatter lead. - - They traversed gorge and gully low, - And many a slippery height, - And though their feet did heavier grow, - Their game bags still were light. - - While roving o’er the mountain side, - It seemed that every quail - Within the county limits wide - Was piping in the vale; - - But when they would forsake the hills, - And in the valleys dive, - It seemed as if the heights around - With bevies were alive. - - Boggs had one fault, from childhood brought, - More marked with age it grew; - He never failed to shut both eyes - Whilst he the trigger drew. - - This plan might do, if lead he threw - At barns or target rings; - But frightened quail, when turning tail, - Are visionary things. - - And let him sight, quick as he might, - Space still would grow between, - And bang! would go the shower of woe - Just where the bird—had been. - - ’Tis said those knowing canines knew - While men were taking aim, - Whether or not ’twould be their lot - To gather in some game. - - So when they saw Boggs shut both eyes - Whene’er the piece he fired, - They dropped upon their hams and howled, - And from the hunt retired. - - And he as soon could cause a stump - To walk upon its roots, - As from a sitting posture coax - The two disgusted brutes. - - Wide was their aim, and wild the game, - And when such facts do yoke, - There’s many a shot goes off, I wot, - Brings nothing to the “poke.” - - The grains were sown, the fields were mown, - The crops proved rather thin; - Oft was the raking summons thrown, - But slow the heads came in. - - At last while Gale, just in advance, - Was clambering o’er some logs, - He got a charge of shot by chance, - From the excited Boggs. - - Then was there rustling there a spell, - And as you may suppose, - From out the shaking chaparral - Linked oaths profusely rose. - - Boggs dropped his gun and forward run, - With apprehension bleached, - And this poor lame excuse begun - When he the butcher reached: - - “A splendid shot! I quite forgot - Precisely where you stood; - The birds flew fast, were nearly passed - Behind a screen of wood; - - “I must let go, or lose a show - Of bagging three or four, - And in my mind you were behind, - Until I heard you roar.” - -[Illustration: BOGGS RETRIEVING HIS GAME.] - - He cursed the logs and kicked the dogs, - And wished the quail on toast, - But that did not take out the shot, - Which then was needed most. - - The doctors who have dressed his wounds - Have to his friends declared, - That though he is a sorry sight, - His sight is not impaired. - - There is a moral this within, - And shaped the times to suit, - But lest it should appear too thin, - Here’s this advice to boot:— - - Ne’er venture on a hunting cruise - With any green galoot, - Who shuts both eyes whene’er he tries - The flitting game to shoot. - - - - - THE ART GALLERY. - - -Hearing that a large collection of paintings were on exhibition at the -Art Gallery, I visited the rooms this afternoon, and was agreeably -surprised to discover that quite a number were by eminent artists. - -It is pleasant to gaze upon an old picture that has come down through -the dust of ages, so I made it a point to employ the hour at my disposal -in sketching several subjects most admired by the visitors. I did not -learn the author of the large picture from which the first of my -sketches was taken, but was assured that it came from the hand of an old -master. - -[Illustration: FROM A PAINTING BY AN OLD MASTER.] - -I would have thought it a representation of “Cleopatra before Cæsar,” if -the female had been running toward the man instead of away from him. - -A gentleman present who examined the painting closely, gave it as his -opinion, that the couple represented “Tarquin and Lucrece.” - -He informed me he had visited many art galleries of the Old World, and -found several paintings which had been copied from this masterpiece by -artists, who paid homage to such creative genius. - -As he claimed to be something of a connoisseur, his supposition was -probably a correct one, though he was not able to thoroughly account for -the singular looking bonnet that shadowed the head of the prancing -“Lucrece.” - -It is certainly anything but a Roman head-dress, and why it should be -dangling from her royal top, is something for critics to comment on, and -antiquarians to inquire into. - -Another little sketch attracted great attention, especially from the -ladies, whose love for the beautiful is only excelled by their love for -the good. It was entitled “Love’s Young Dream.” I regret I am not able -to give the artist’s name. I could not get near enough to decipher the -signature, owing to the crowd of ladies admiring the beautiful gem. - -The members of the Graphic Club were sketching. Accepting an invitation -from one I stepped into their room to see them draw. Quite a number of -artists were present. The famous marine painter was there, who loves to -paint the vessel going before the wind, when in its might it takes “the -ruffian billows by the top.” It was pleasant to watch his pencil pile up -the “yeasty waves” at will. - -[Illustration: “LOVE’S YOUNG DREAM.”] - -It was also interesting to lean over the landscape painter’s shoulder -and see the branches sprout from his grand old oaks, against whose -trunks it would seem the storms of centuries had spent their force. - -It was no less pleasant or interesting to perceive the horns shoot from -the animal painter’s cows. As the creature grows under his active -pencil, we may be inclined to think she will be of the Mooley species, -and never shake a gory horn above a prostrate victim; but alas! a few -hasty but well directed strokes, and she stands forth more formidable -than the armed rhinoceros or rampant unicorn. Then we hold our breath, -as we see the pencil slide away to some other locality before a tail is -attached to the body, and inwardly wonder whether the artist has -forgotten to bestow upon her that graceful adjunct, or is intentionally -giving us a new species of cattle. We heave a sigh of relief when the -pencil returns, after a brief skirmish along the ribs, to bestow upon -the cow that terminal appendage, at once a scourge for milk-maids and a -swing for dogs. - - - - - A ROLLING STONE. - - -This afternoon, while climbing a steep hill that overlooks the bay, in -company with a gentleman named Stone, I saw an illustration of the old -maxim, “A rolling stone gathers no moss.” We had almost completed the -ascent, when Stone’s feet slipped from under him, and striking upon his -side he commenced a rapid descent. - -About four hundred feet of steep grade stretched before him without let -or hindrance. I saw at a glance he was bound to pass over every inch of -the space before he stopped. Onward he went, gathering speed as he -proceeded, and catching wildly around him at every revolution; but, as -there was nothing growing upon the barren slope but stunted grass or -brittle moss, his efforts to “slow speed” were in vain. After he had -made about ten revolutions his hat came off, and for a short time the -race between him and his tile was truly interesting. It would have been -an even bet, which would first reach the fence at the bottom of the -hill. After making about half the distance, however, the hat swung in -ahead of him. - -[Illustration: A THROUGH PASSENGER.] - -Whether it was the wind acted upon it I couldn’t tell, but Stone -overhauled it, and passing over it, materially injured its form as a -roller, by giving it an oblong shape, and soon left the crushed hat -wabbling far behind. He turned neither to the right nor to the left, but -rolled as straight down the hill as a saw-log down the bank of a river -into a mill-pond. Goats nibbling in the vicinity paused in their repast -and looked pitifully at the gentleman as he went tumbling by them, and -evidently congratulated themselves on being goats, that feel at home on -the steepest hillside that nature can present to their hoofs. When, in -his mad career, my friend Stone would reach some intercepting shelf he -would bounce about three feet into the air, and continue down the -incline with increased velocity. Nor did he stop his brilliant course -until he brought up whack against the fence. - -Fortunately he was unhurt, but was so dizzy that everything was turning -around him for an hour afterwards. He declares that though he should -live until he becomes so old as to forget the way to his mouth, he has -taken his last look at the city and the surrounding bay from the summit -of that hill. And when we think of his last descent from that high -altitude, we can hardly wonder at the declaration. - - - - - RIDING IN THE STREET CARS. - - A chiel’s amang ye takin’ notes, - And faith he’ll prent it. - —_Burns._ - - -The greater portion of this day I have spent riding in the street cars. -I find it is quite a pleasant way of passing a few leisure hours. -Neither is it an extravagant way of entertaining one’s self. - -On figuring up I find, by choosing the longest routes, it cost just -seven and one-quarter cents per hour. This is certainly reasonable. - -[Illustration: THE SIGNAL STATION.] - -There is always something amusing to look at as you pass along. There -stands the nervous old lady upon the street corner. She wishes to ride, -and endeavors to signal the driver and prepare for embarking at one and -the same time. She proves the truth of the old saying that a person may -get too many irons in the fire. In her eagerness to attract the -attention of the driver or conductor, she is not aware that in lifting -her skirts she has elevated one or two thicknesses more than she -intended, or than is at all necessary. Poor old lady! She does indeed -present a picture that might well attract the artistic eye. We in more -becoming order turn our eyes from the singular spectacle and study the -advertisements ranged around for our special benefit. She emits a short, -quick cry, half whoop and half squeal, and signals repeatedly, to do -which the inevitable umbrella is brought into requisition, and -flourished around her head as though she was warding off a detachment of -aggressive wasps. She gives the conductor a look of surprise, if not -anger, because he completes the curve before stopping to take her up. -The old lady means business, and has never got it through her head that -conductors have rights which she is bound to respect. She no doubt -believes that on all occasions and at all times he ought to seize the -strap and stop the car as suddenly as he would a clock by grasping the -pendulum. - -Then there are the fashions which we can study without having to pay -exorbitant prices for seats in the theatres. It is even better than to -go to a fashionable church. - -Besides the advantages which a ride in the street car offers us in the -way of studying the fashions, we often see strange sights, well -calculated to awaken humor. There, for instance, we encounter the sleepy -passenger, who, in charity let us hope, is drowsy through loss of rest, -rather than loss of reason! Let us hope he is some physician who has -been attending to his patients; or a minister of the gospel who has -spent the night by the bedside of some sinking penitent; or a -supervisor, who—while his constituents have been snugly dreaming away -their troubles—has been legislating, and growing hoarse declaiming for -the public good. Doctor or supervisor, as the case may be, it is evident -he is sleepy, and cares not who knows it. Otherwise he would pick up his -hat, which has fallen off, before it has twice been stepped on by -passengers staggering through the car while it is in motion. - -With a persistency truly amusing he tips in the direction of some old -lady, who apparently hates men, especially when excessive drowsiness -makes them familiar. He, however, is oblivious of her likes or dislikes, -even of her presence, it would seem. - -[Illustration: RATHER “SLOROPPY.”] - -He bobs towards her until his dishevelled forelock actually tickles her -under the ear, which sensation causes her to start suddenly, and look -around so quickly, that a person must think the movement gave her a -crick in the neck, and her subsequent rubbing of the cords below the ear -would seem to bear out the supposition as correct. - -[Illustration: SNIFFING THE BATTLE FROM AFAR.] - -Then, as we ride along we can see the bold policeman! standing by the -corner of a building. He is earnestly looking down a narrow lane, taking -notes perhaps; but more likely watching the progress of a fight, and -wisely waiting until all the pistols are discharged before venturing to -arrest any of the belligerent parties. He looks as though it would not -take much longer reflection or many more shots, to make him forego that -duty _in toto_, and turn around to arrest the poor Chinese vegetable -peddler, who, with his basket pole upon his shoulder, is trotting along -upon the sidewalk, and thereby violating one of the city ordinances. -While hustling the prisoner to the station house he would escape -performing more unpleasant and risky business. - -He is in the right of it, too, when a person comes right down to reason -the case. The policeman may have a family depending on him for support. -Or it may be upon the very stroke of the hour when his duty for the day -will cease, and he can saunter to his home, leaving his successor to -rush in and stay the slaughter. - -It may be argued that the policeman is paid to take prisoners, and -consequently to take chances. This is true, but he is not paid to commit -suicide. For a broad man like him to move down a narrow lane up which -the bullets are whistling, can hardly be considered anything short of -it. Oh! he is a cunning fellow I tell you, and revolves the matter -carefully in his mind before taking action. - -He has been too long a resident of the city, and too long a member of -the “star brigade,” not to know that the city can better afford to lose -two or three indifferent citizens than it can one able and efficient -policeman. - -We turn from the policeman to contemplate the blooming blonde, who comes -bouncing in with her poodle dog in her arms. - -After she is seated she amuses some of the passengers and displeases -more, by the affectionate names she lavishes upon the little watery-eyed -pet in her lap. Some of the passengers would doubtless like to be the -dog and others would like to be a distemper that they might legally kill -the cur. She temporarily ends her caresses by repeatedly kissing its -cold peaked nose, to the infinite disgust of the majority of the -passengers, who, rather than witness a repetition of the silly act, look -out of the windows and become suddenly interested in the construction of -the buildings or fences along the route. - -[Illustration: ALIGHTING GRACEFULLY.] - -And then there is the impatient passenger, who is either limited in time -or sense, probably in both. - -He foolishly attempts to leave the car while it is in motion, in order -to save a few moments. Immediately afterwards he wishes he hadn’t, and -sits down with considerable feeling to think over his rashness. There -was a time, no doubt, when he could jump on and off a car like a -newsboy; but that time has evidently gone by. - -When we consider the roughness of his seat, and the unexpected manner in -which he settled on it, we have to acknowledge that he sits with -considerable grace. However, as he has lost time instead of gaining it, -by the action, he will perhaps try to catch a better hold of the old -rascal’s forelock the next time he is running past him. - - - - - SIMON RAND. - - -No poet, however gifted, can get along without his muse, any better than -a navigator can without his compass. If the goddess is not at his elbow, -the lyre hangs mute upon the wall, and the pen corrodes in the ink. Then -what can the poor limited rhymer do without a muse to inspire him? As -mine is at present leaning over the back of my chair in a very -encouraging manner, I will strike my harp and lay the following -heart-rending tale before the world in verse. - - _First Gossip_—“Was she false?” - _Second Gossip_—“Ay, false as her teeth.” - —_Old Volume._ - - In Siskiyou, a tanner lived, - Whose name was Simon Rand; - He loved the miller’s daughter, fair - Annetta Hildebrand. - The maiden loved the tanner, too, - (At least the maid so said,) - And she the happy day had named - The parson would them wed. - - The golden day-dreams lengthened as - The season shorter grew, - And Cupid slung his bow across - His shoulder, and withdrew. - A golden pointed arrow lay - Imbedded in each heart; - The little god conjectured they - Could never live apart. - - But fire will test the iron safe, - And powder prove the mine, - And tempests try the ship at sea, - The woodman’s axe the pine; - And gold will sound the human heart, - The maiden’s love it tries; - It is the plummet weight that proves - How deep affection lies. - - One Jacob Towle, a rival, came - To darken Simon’s days; - His clothes were fine, his purse a mine, - He drove a span of bays! - The fair Annetta was his mark; - He deftly played his hand; - He turned her giddy head around, - And love, from Simon Rand. - - The tanner saw his dove prove daw, - And scarce believed his eyes; - But change was there, in look and air, - And in her curt replies. - He called one night, in hopes he might - Back his affianced win; - Word came by “sis” (an old game this), - “Annetta was not in.” - - But ah! how keen are lovers’ eyes - When rivals are around; - A glossy hat hung in the hall; - He reached it with a bound. - “See, my child, a pleasing sight!” - Said he with a ghastly smile; - “For into fraction, into mite, - I’ll smash the villain’s tile.” - - He seized it, and he squeezed it, too, - He bowled it on the floor, - He thumped it, and he jumped it, and - He kicked it through the door. - So through the gate he then escaped, - And he was heard to say, - “By all the hides that I have scraped - With life I’ll make away.” - -[Illustration: REVENGE IS SWEET.] - - Next morning he was missing, and - The neighbors thought it queer: - For he at work was ever found - Throughout the busy year. - Noon came, but brought not Simon back; - And then their wonder grew - Into a fear, that he had done - What he had sworn to do. - - A search was instituted, and - All work was at a stand, - For weak and stout alike turned out - To search for Simon Rand. - Across the mill-pond and the flume, - The grappling drag they drew, - They scanned the trees and probed the wells - The little village through. - But tale or tidings none they found; - So all the search gave o’er, - And sat them down to talk and smoke, - Around the tavern door. - - When teamster Joe picked up a hoe - That by his side was laid, - And turning round to farmer Pound, - He slapped his thigh and said, - “I’ll stake my strongest pair of mules - Against Moll Benson’s cat, - That Simon Rand, the missing man, - Lies dead in his own vat!” - - No face was there, beard-hid or bare, - Light, tawny-hue, or dark, - But on the instant plainly showed - The weight of that remark. - To feet they sprung, both old and young, - And down the shortest road, - By Silly’s still and Burrill’s mill, - To Simon’s shop they strode. - -[Illustration: THE EXPLORING PARTY.] - - One pace in front leaned Parson Lunt, - Who let his dinner stand, - And joined the throng that surged along - In search of Simon Rand. - Across his shoulder, stooped with age, - He poised his garden rake, - And those had need to urge their speed - Who followed in his wake. - - Then side and side, with equal stride, - Pressed Joe and Jasper Lane; - Next Elder Chase kept even pace - With stout old Sidney Vane. - Then two and two, and three and three, - And sometimes four abreast, - With hoes and hooks, and thoughtful looks, - Come clattering on the rest. - - The place was gained, all eyes were strained - Upon the brimming vat; - But not an eye its depths could spy, - Or pierce its scum of fat. - - “A fearful place,” sighed Elder Chase, - As down he dipped his pole; - “No love or woe could make him throw - Himself in such a hole. - A man would choose a hempen noose, - A pistol, drug, or knife, - If he designed through troubled mind - To make away with life.” - - A silent group they kneel and stoop, - And shove their poles around, - Now left, now right, till all affright - One cried, “I’ve something found! - It’s him I know, I must let go! - I dare not see his face - When coming from the depths below; - Will some one take my place?” - - Then Parson Lunt stepped to the front, - And clasped his hands in prayer; - And cried, “We thank thee for his dust, - His soul in mercy spare.” - Then took the pole from Selby’s hand, - Who quickly sought the rear, - Yet dodged and peeped his best to see - If Rand indeed was there. - - Up rose the heavy burdened hook; - “That’s him!” a dozen cried; - But when they took a second look - It proved a brindled hide! - Then impious Brown, the village clown, - Turned from that vat aside, - And laughed until the tears ran down - His cheeks as though he cried. - - Still round he went, with body bent, - His face one endless grin, - Because the Parson praised the Lord, - Then raised—the heifer’s skin! - The tools once more sink as before, - To scrape the bottom slow: - Another mass—they strike—and pass, - It rolls along below! - - “I have him now!” cried Dennis Howe, - The blacksmith’s helping man; - While down his face, in rapid race, - The perspiration ran. - With mighty grip, and backward tip, - Stout Dennis manned the pole, - Which bent as though ’twould snap and go, - And Howe would backwards roll. - -[Illustration: UP HE COMES.] - - And woe is me, that tanner man, - And woe is me, that maid! - And woe is me, that staring group - Around that vat, afraid. - The hold was good, the pole has stood, - And up the hook has drawn - The poor discarded Simon Rand, - Dead as a pickled prawn! - - And lo! a great cast-iron weight - Fast to one leg was tied; - Which, as he rose did oscillate, - And swing from side to side. - Upon a door his form they bore - Back slowly through the town, - And still behind them left a trail - Where dripped the water down. - - For every step fresh showers drew - Down from that litter bare, - From garments soaked quite through and through, - From mouth and nose and hair. - ’Twere sad to tell of funeral show - That in that town was seen; - Enough to know that Simon low - Lies where the grass is green. - - Annetta, now, is Mrs. Towle, - And servants on her wait; - And dogs with uninviting growl - Drive beggars from her gate. - And Simon’s shop has gone to wreck, - No bark is needed now, - No more before the greasy door - Lie horns of ox or cow! - -[Illustration: UNPROMISING OUTLOOK.] - - But on the anniversary - Of that distressful night, - The superstitious people say— - Within it burns a light. - - And there the tanner may be seen - His thin arms shining bare, - Bent o’er the bench, as though at work - Fast scraping off the hair! - Anon, slow rising from his toil - A woeful sigh he gives, - And gazes long towards the hill, - Where false Annetta lives. - - Then turning round he gives a bound, - As when he crushed the hat, - And fastening to his leg a weight - He leaps into the vat! - And with him goes the wondrous light - That shed its ghostly ray; - And dismal darkness wraps the place - Until the dawn of day. - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE VALUE OF A COLLAR. - - -Dear me! what a terrible dodging life the poor city cur leads, to be -sure, whose owner does not consider him of sufficient importance to -warrant taking out a license. His excursions must necessarily be -limited. - -He never dares to bark in the daytime, and now I think of it, that may -account for his howling all night. To bark between the hours of seven in -the morning and six in the evening would be equivalent to running his -head into the pound-keeper’s lariat. He knows it, too, the rascal, and -hardly indulges in a yelp, even if his tail is trod upon. I have always -noticed that the eyes of the cur that wears no collar—(which would -entitle him to the freedom of the city)—protrude from the sockets much -farther than the optics in the head of the licensed animal. I have -noticed this fact and pondered over it, striving not a little to arrive -at some satisfactory conclusion in regard to the matter. It may be that -this strange protrusion is brought about by the continual strain while -on the lookout for the pound-keeper or his sneaking aids. - -Another peculiarity about the unlicensed cur,—his eyes are invariably -the color of tobacco juice. “Why are they so?” you probably inquire. Be -patient, and I will tell you? It is the result of the burning envy -continually agitating his breast and adding a bloodier lustre to his -orbs. - -How must envy consume his very vitals when he beholds his younger -brother, perhaps, trotting forth into the street, his neck encircled -with the leather zone that insures him respect and immunity from -assault; while he must cower behind the ash barrel, and wait for night -to temporarily shield him from insult and injury. - -The old adage is hardly applicable to his case. He has no _day_, but he -has his night, however, and he would be a fool not to make the most of -it. - -How trifling a thing will draw the line between him and his licensed -brother. One white foot, perhaps, a spot too many on the head, or want -of one above the tail may have cursed him through the length and breadth -of his existence. If he lives it must be by his wits. Every man’s hand -or boot seems to be against him. The licensed dog can stretch lazily -upon the sidewalk and oblige the pedestrians to go around him rather -than take the chances of stepping over, or stirring him up with a kick. - -[Illustration: NO COLLAR, NO CRUMBS.] - -It is dangerous business, this waking up a dog with your boot. You may -take him in a time when not in the mood for permitting such familiar -demonstrations. - -Perhaps he may be hungry, and since the dogs devoured poor painted -Jezebel, their weakness for human flesh will occasionally make itself -manifest. I, who have been thrice vaccinated by a canine tooth (and it -took each time, too), speak knowingly on this subject. - -Now, as I gaze out upon the street, I mark the slow approach of the -pound-keeper’s dingy cart. Ever and anon it comes to a sudden halt, and -skirmishers are deployed on each side to search the alley-ways and lanes -along the route. Hark! what cry is this that comes quavering forth from -that shaky prison? A bark? No, never a bark, but a quavering bleat from -the pale lips of a poor old goat. Alas! poor goat. - -It, too, was evidently straying about unlawfully, in some one’s garden, -perhaps, or stripping the posters off the fence before the paste was -dry, or the bill-sticker a block away, and in consequence he is now -occupying a position that, however exalted it may be in one sense, makes -him feel very ill at ease all the same. - -His fellow prisoners are dogs of every breed under the sun. - -There is no discrimination in that moving prison, no separate cells. The -full blood setter pup fares no better than the worthless poodle that -couldn’t smell a quail a yard distant unless it was roasting. The big, -sour, surly mastiff, with blood-shot eyes and pendent jowl, who long has -been the acknowledged champion of a block, and in his day lacerated many -a paw, hasn’t even a growl to offer, but crouches side by side with the -poor maimed and mongrel cur that for years has been racking through life -on three legs. - -Still the dismal looking cart jolts along attracting the attention of -the passing crowds. Still the villainous-looking aids, who flank the -vehicle, trail their ready lariats, and dart exploring glances into -every nook and corner. And as I gaze, I marvel to see how quickly the -outlaws get a knowledge of its approach, and stand not upon the order of -their going, but precipitately leave for back yards and kitchens. - - - - - QUAINT EPITAPHS. - - -While strolling through an old cemetery this afternoon I was surprised -at the number of quaint epitaphs there to be found. - -For a while I almost imagined myself rummaging among the old time-worn -tombstones in some English or Welsh burying-ground. Many are written in -verse, especially on the stones erected during a certain period, -extending over about ten years, which proves that during these years the -city had a tombstone poet among her citizens. - -He was an odd genius, whoever he was, this graveyard rhymer. - -One peculiarity seems to have been his coupling with the epitaph a brief -account of the manner in which the deceased party was taken off. The -first inscription which attracted my notice as odd, was chiseled upon a -large marble slab which leaned over the spot where a party who had borne -the ancient and honorable name of “Smith,” rested from his labors. The -obituary ran thus:— - - “Smith ran to catch his fatted hog, - And carried the knife around; - He slipped and fell; - The hog is well, - But Smith is under ground.” - -This stanza should be introduced into public schools, and adopted as a -morning chant, to impress upon the mind of the pupils the importance of -a person’s having his wits about him. Death brought about by such gross -carelessness as Smith showed, is—to say the least—first cousin to -suicide, and doubtless there will come a time when Smith’s case will be -inquired into. - -Under a large oak tree on the south side I came upon a tombstone which -bore no date, but had evidently been erected many years. The fence which -once enclosed the grave had nearly disappeared, nothing remaining except -a few rotten stakes protruding through the grass. What once had been a -mound was now a hollow, which told the mute gazer, decay had done its -worst. - -Through a rank growth of weeds and briers, a few pale neglected flowers -raised their delicate faces, like virtue struggling heavenward through -the retarding throng inhabiting this naughty world. - -The headstone was evidently erected before the poet’s day, and he who -erected it had composed the epitaph. It is more than likely he chiseled -it also, as the letters were ill-shaped and irregular, and looked as -though carved out with a pick. - -Here is a _fac-simile_ of the inscription:— - - “Cynthy Ann is berried here. - Be easy with her, - Lord, - And, you won’t lose nothin’, - She was a plaguey good wife to me - But - She wouldn’t be druv.” - -That “Cynthia Ann” had faults is evident from the tone. But I thought as -I turned from the spot, if her greatest fault lay in not allowing -herself to be “druv,” her prospects were better than the average. - -What a contrast was the line inscribed upon a tombstone directly -opposite:— - - “He sleeps in Heaven.” - -Mere speculation only, and wild at that. The extravagant notion that a -person sleeps in Paradise must have emanated from the brain of some -sluggard, who thought that heaven without sleep would be a wearisome -place. The “sleeper’s” name was Gregg, and from a representation of a -pair of scissors cut upon the slab I presumed he was a tailor. On making -inquiry of the sexton, busily engaged closing a grave at the time, I -found my supposition was right. Gregg was a tailor, but met death at the -heels of a horse. To use the sexton’s own words, which were spoken in -pure Greek— - -“Begorra he _was_ a tailor, and it was meself that planted him there. He -was killed in the barn beyant, while sthrivin’ to pull the makin’s of a -fish-line out of the tail of owld Gleason’s stallion.” - -When a person learns what his occupation had been, and how he died, the -assertion that he had gone to heaven, strikes one as too ridiculous for -anything. - -[Illustration: THE SEXTON.] - -Not less amusing or quaint was the verse inscribed upon the plain marble -slab which marked the resting-place of Mr. and Mrs. Barradier. The stone -was probably put up by some acquaintance of the deceased couple who knew -that their marriage had been anything but a happy one; the verse upon it -also informs the passer-by that they left no descendants to perform that -pious duty. It said— - - “Released from worldly care and strife, - Here side and side lie man and wife; - And with the couple buried here - Expired the name of Barradier.” - - - - - MISTAKEN IDENTITY. - - -An amusing scene occurred this afternoon as I was coming up from the -post-office. It was a case of mistaken identity. It seems a somewhat -dissipated old Irish woman was deserted some weeks ago by her husband. - -Through her domestic troubles and excessive drinking she at times -becomes quite crazy,—so much so that her friends have to keep a constant -watch over her to prevent her from doing mischief. She is very large and -powerful, and when in one of her tantrums is no easy person to manage. -It appears that when she has one of these crazy spells, she imagines she -recognizes her husband’s Milesian features in almost every face she -looks upon. - -This afternoon, while the crazy fit was upon her, she escaped from her -keepers, and rushed into the street with dilated eyes and dishevelled -hair. With sleeves rolled above the elbows and clenched hands, she -charged up the street, looking right and left for some person on whom to -fasten. - -She was indeed ripe for an encounter, and nearly the first person she -met was a prominent clergyman returning to his residence from the -Mercantile Library, with his newly selected book under his arm. She -stood for a moment directly in front of the minister, and riveted her -red optics upon his face in an inquiring stare, which soon kindled into -one of recognition. - -Anticipating trouble, he attempted to pass around her and proceed -quietly on his way. - -But she was too quick for him. - -Reaching out her long bare arm, she brought it around like the boom of a -sloop, and with one wide sweep knocked his hat spinning to the sidewalk -at her feet. - -[Illustration: THE CLERGYMAN IN LIMBO.] - -He stooped to pick it up again, and while bent in the act, she seized -him by the hair with both hands, and giving a guttural laugh, not unlike -the self-satisfied croak of a down east bullfrog, exclaimed:— - -“Ah! Barney, ye galavantin’ spalpeen! ye can’t desave me wid yer -stove-pipe! So ye’d dezart the wife o’ yer boosome, would ye? ah, ha! -come home wid me now, or I’ll be afther takin’ your durty ould scalp -along wid me!” - -A soft rabbit under the wide paw of a California lion, or a sparrow in -the talons of a hawk, is not more utterly helpless than was the poor -dominie in her terrible clutch. His position was anything but an -enviable one. It actually seemed as if every hair upon his head was -gathered and drawn into one mass, over which her muscular fingers held -complete control. - -He dropped his book and shouted loudly, partly through pain, and partly -anger at seeing the fate of his fashionable hat, now lying under her -great broad foot, flat as a German pancake. - -His cries of fear only made the crazy woman more confident of her -abilities. She commenced backing along the street, in the direction of -home, and at every step, with an irresistible yank, she dragged the -expostulating minister along with her over the uneven sidewalk. - -She had snaked him along fully two rods in this manner, and was making, -to use a nautical phrase, such good stern-way that she was on the point -of breaking into a trot, when her heel caught on the edge of a plank. - -The result was terrible in the extreme. - -She fell backwards, pulling the unfortunate captive to the sidewalk -after her, where they gyrated in the most ludicrous positions -imaginable. - -A couple of gentlemen, emerging from a store at that instant, looked on -the pair in blank astonishment for a moment. Recognizing their own -gifted pastor, they ran to his assistance, and lost no time in raising -him to his feet, and turning over the old crazy woman to an officer who -happened at that moment to step out of a saloon. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - - FLIRTING, AND WHAT CAME OF IT. - - - At an open window wide, just across the way, - Sits a roguish little blonde nearly all the day, - Playing with a tabby cat, and gazing down below, - Flirting with conductors that are passing to and fro. - Some receive a passing nod, and some receive a smile; - But she watches Number 6 whilst going half a mile. - - And the gay conductor while he’s throwing kisses there, - Doesn’t hear the signals given by an aged pair, - Though the man, as best he can, whistles loud and shrill, - And the wife, as though for life, charges down the hill. - - And the blameful driver, while he gazes wistful back, - Doesn’t see the little child a creeping on the track. - Soon the jury summoned there to question how it died, - Will as their opinion give, “a case of suicide;” - And the driver and his mate acquitted from all blame, - Kisses at the blonde will throw, and she’ll return the same. - - - - - THE CHAMPION MEAN MAN. - - -Yesterday I came across a singular looking individual dressed in a -greasy, dingy suit. He was sitting on a log before his door engaged in -repairing a shovel-handle. - -“Say, stranger,” I said, addressing him, “can you inform me where Deacon -Shellbark lives?” - -The farmer looked up, pushed his slouched hat back on his head, and -after surveying me some time in silence, drawled out:— - -“Be you any relation of his’n?” - -“No,” I replied, a little surprised at his manner of answering; “I -haven’t a relative in the State.” - -“By thunder! I congratulate you upon your good fortune,” he ejaculated, -“particularly because there’s no tie of consanguinity existin’ atwixt -you and old Deacon Shellbark. He’s expectin’ a son home, and I thought -you mout be him. - -“Wal,” he continued, pointing with a huge jack-knife that he held in his -hand, “you see that house to the left of them scrub oaks, don’t you? -that ar buildin’ with the leetle coopalow on’t? Wal, thar’s whar old -Deacon Shellbark lives; _the meanest man in this yer county_, and that’s -sayin’ considerable, too! cause we’ve got some vicey-fisted customers -round these yer parts, men who scrape the puddin’ pot mighty clean -before the dog gits a chance to canvass it, now I can tell ye. But I -feel safe in stickin’ in old Shellbark at the head, and I ain’t agwine -to haul him down nuther. I don’t believe in talkin’ much about one’s -neighbors, but I ginnerally tell strangers what sort of a man he is, -cause if they go to tradin’ with him and aren’t on thar guard, he’ll -skin ’em quicker than a whirlpool sucks in a dead fish.” - -“You know the Deacon, then?” I remarked, while the hope I had -entertained of getting his name on my subscription list began to take to -itself wings. - -“Yes, I reckon I do know him,” he replied, “pooty well, too; a great -sight better than is profitable to him, and he knows it. Oh, you bet he -knows it, and hates me as he does the dry murrain that gin the crows -fifteen of his best cows last summer. I knowed him back in Scrabble -Town. - -“They wouldn’t allow him to come within pistol shot of a church back -thar, because they mor’n suspected he stole the wine and bread from the -communion table one day. They were down on him flatter than a stone on a -cricket allers arterwards. He’s a deacon out here though, but that ain’t -nothin’. He can’t fool me with his prayin’. I want no sech crooked old -disciple as he is intercedin’ for me, you know.” - -“I was hoping he would subscribe for this book,” I remarked, “but I am -afraid there is not much use of my going there if he is so very mean.” - -“Look’e here, stranger,” he remarked earnestly, “you mout just as well -stop thar whar you’re standin’. Subscribe! He’ll gig back from a -subscription list jest as he would from a six-shooter.” - -“Ah, but this is a religious work, and perhaps he would lend that his -support,” I answered quickly. - -“Religious work be shelved!” exclaimed the farmer. “That doesn’t help ye -any; you can’t do anythin’ with him, ’cause he hain’t got no more soul -than an empty gin bottle. You mout as well bait a rat trap with a cat’s -head and expect the varmin to go a-nibblin’ at it, as to expect him to -put his name down to anything that’s agwine to take coin from his -pockets. - -[Illustration: SLEEPY DOBY.] - -“You’re a stranger in these yer parts I see, and tharfore haven’t the -slightest idea what a towerin’ mean man he is; why he’d run a mile to -git on the sunny side of a feller to cheat him out of his shadow! I -knowed him back in old Indiany. He’s from the same place that I am, but -you can kick me clear over to them foot-hills and back ag’in if I don’t -feel like takin’ pizin every time I have to own up to it. He used to be -in cahoot with a tanner back thar named Doby; sleepy Doby, the boys -called him, for he was the sleepiest feller you ever did see. Go asleep -while workin’ at anythin’. He would drop asleep sometimes while scrapin’ -a hide, and cut the consarned thing all into parin’s; at other times he -would fall back into the tan vat, then wake up and holler for the boys -to come and fish him out. - -“They say he dropped asleep once while ringin’ a hog to prevent him from -rootin’ up the clover patch. The minister of the village had to pause in -the middle of a sermon he was preachin’ half a block away, until the -squealin’ subsided. - -“But as I was gwine to tell ye, before the rheumatism got into his -j’ints, and made him shun water as he would a tax-collector, old -Shellbark used to be pooty fond of fishin’. One day Parson Bodfish was -gwine off to have a day’s sport, and took me along to carry the fish. I -was only a boy then, and mighty tickled because I could go. Jest about -the time we got to the river we overtook old Shellbark a-pointin’ thar -too. When we got to the bank they both set in gettin’ out thar hooks and -lines, and then for the first time old Shellbark found out he had left -his bait to hum. So he commenced to sputter and fret, takin’ on terribly -about it, until Parson Bodfish ses to him, ‘That’s all right; I reckon -I’ve got enough bait in this box for both of us, and I’ll give you half -of mine, and let us start in and make the most of it.’ So the Parson—who -had a heart the size of a sheep’s head—took out his bait-box and gin him -more than half. It’s so; I seed ’em when he took ’em out. Pooty soon -arter, while the parson was a-standin’ on a log that horned out over the -water, a-baitin’ of his hooks, a big-mouthed fish-hawk gin a-chatterin’ -screech overhead, and startled him a leetle, and while lookin’ up he let -his bait-box fall into the river. - -“The box was open, so the worms war scattered every which way, and away -went box and bait a-flukin’ down the rapids, and the parson’s cusses -follerin’ arter. He _did_ swar, by hunky! I heer’d him. He had a mi’ty -hot temper, and it was more than he could do sometimes to keep it down. -A feller couldn’t blame him much for swa’rin’ jest then, ’cause ’twas a -pooty tryin’ time. He turned around sort of quick when he thought of me -bein’ thar. I seed him turnin’, though, and let on to be talkin’ to a -fish that I was stringin’ on, so he reckoned I hadn’t noticed him. We -hurried on down the river, and arter a while overtook old Shellbark, who -was snakin ’em out as fast as he could fix bait and throw in. - -“‘I lost all my worms back thar, while standin’ on a log,’ ses the -parson, ‘and will have to fall back on you for some.’ The old snipe -grumbled out somethin’ about bein’ out of all patience with people who -war so fool careless. Arter a while he took out the rag he kept the -worms in, and although he had quite a large knot of ’em, he gin the -parson jest one, and dead at that! It’s so! You may laugh, but I seed -it. When he was a-pickin’ it out and handin’ it to him, and when Parson -Bodfish was a-stickin’ the hook into him, he lay thar and took it as -e-a-s-y, and never squirmed or objected the least. You’d hev thought it -was a link of vermicelli the parson had picked out of a soup plate. - -“When Parson Bodfish took it from him, he held it between his finger and -thumb a while, jest that way, and I swow I felt solid sure he was agwine -to slap it back into old Shellbark’s face. - -[Illustration: OPENING HIS HEART.] - -“He didn’t, though. But he did look as if he’d like to, mi’ty well. He -stood thar and stared him in the face as if actewally in doubt about his -being the person he divided with in the mornin’. Arter a while he baited -his hook and started in right thar. He had amazin’ good luck, too, with -one bait. He hauled out four floppin’ great chubs, one right arter the -other, and durin’ the same time old Shellbark didn’t get a bite from -anythin’ but musquiters. He seemed just tearin’ mad over it, too, I can -tell you. - -“He stood thar a-floppin’ and a-scratchin’ and a-slingin’ of his line -out the full length, tryin’ on all sides continewally, but to no -purpose. - -“At last, thinkin’ he had a fish when he didn’t, he switched up his line -so spiteful it caught in a tree-top more than fifteen feet above his -head; and while he was a-gawpin’ up thar, jerkin’ the line, and stampin’ -round, he sot his foot flat onto his string of fish that war layin’ thar -on the bank, and squashed the in’ards out of nigh every one of ’em. -Between thar slipperiness and his confusion, hurryin’ to git off ’em -before they were sp’iled, he fell and slid away down the bank, head -fust, a-clawin’ and a-kickin’ jest like a skeer’d alligator. Only he -chanced to strike ag’inst an old root that was stickin’ up at the margin -of the river, he’d have gone plum to the bottom for sartain. - -“Unfortunately the last fish Parson Bodfish caught had swallered the -bait, so he ses to me kind of low, ‘Dolphus, let’s see if we can’t skeer -up a lizard, or somethin’ that’ll do for bait when a man’s in a pinch.’ - -“So we set in to huntin’ and s’archin’ under old logs and stones, and -dead wild grass, but couldn’t git hold of anythin’. The parson fell -three times on all fours in the dirt, and gin his wrist a mi’ty bad -sprain while pursuin’ a queer, long-legg’d horned critter somethin’ like -a cricket, only pizenous, I guess. I could have caught it once, as it -went dronin’ past, but didn’t feel like touchin’ it. Finally it got -stuck into a clump of ferns, and he gin it up. So arter a while he ses, -‘I’ll have to go back and try that old Shellbark ag’in, though I’d -ruther take a dose o’ ipecac than do it.’ - -“So we come back to whar he was fishin’. He looked mi’ty solemn, and was -muddy as an old stone boat. Ses the parson to him, ‘I’ll have to call on -you ag’in for another _dead_ worm; the one you gin me is all gobbled -up.’ - -“‘Seems to me you’re mi’ty extravagint with the bait,’ he ses gruffly, -and switchin’ his line around and slingin’ it out far as the pole would -let it go, but not makin’ the least motion to comply with the parson’s -request. - -“‘Waal, I don’t know how that is,’ ses Parson Bodfish, kind of easy -like, and tryin’ to keep down his anger, that I seed was rizin’ jest -like bilin’ sugar, ‘I nabbed four rousin’ good fish with that one bait. -I reckon that’s doin’ pooty well; fact I know it is. They seem to bite -fust rate at dead worms jest now.’ - -“‘Waal, I don’t know anythin’ about that,’ ses the old narrow gauge, -‘s’posin’ you cut up some of your fish and see if you can’t catch -somethin’ with that sort of bait; fish bite pooty well at that sort of -an offerin’ jest before rain, they say.’ - -“‘Then you ain’t a gwine to give me any worms?’ ses the parson, in a -husky voice, and shakin’ like a rag in the wind, he was so chock full of -passion. - -“‘Waal, this is a sort of curious world, Mr. Bodfish,’ ses old -Shellbark, slow and niggardly like, jest that way, ‘and without a feller -looks out for himself he ain’t considered nothin’. ‘Sides you know,’ he -contin’ed, ‘fish bait is a good deal like an oyster or a bean—somethin’ -that’s mi’ty hard to divide with a feller,’ and he commenced to troll -along down stream. - -“Apple sass and spinage! I never did see a man so riled as that Parson -Bodfish was sence I could distinguish the moon from a lightnin’ bug. He -changed to all the colors of the rainbow by turns in less time than I’m -tellin’ ye. You never seed sech a struggle between sin and piety as -raged inside that parson for about five minutes. - -“Fust piety seemed to be gettin’ on top, then sin would choke her down -and hold her thar. At last he turned around and run full chisel ahind -the turned up roots of a big windfall as though a gallon and a half of -black hornets war arter him. I reckoned he was gwine arter stuns to gin -the old feller a good peltin’, and that kind of work bein’ right into my -hand I ran thar too, cal’latin’ to help him do it. But I was mistaken’d. - -[Illustration: SWEARING TO GET EVEN.] - -“He wasn’t gwine arter stuns, for I seed so soon as he thought he was -out of sight he flopped down on his knees right thar in the mud, -a-holdin’ his hands jined together above his head jest that way. I -allowed he was a gwine to pray then for sartin, but he didn’t pray; no -siree, not much pra’ar jest then! he sw’ar’d though. He did! I heered -him, jest as plain as could be, ses he:— - -“‘I sw’ar I’ll git even yet with that old Shellbark, if I have to yank -him out of his grave like a body-snatcher, to accomplish it!’ - -“I felt like runnin’ thar and sayin,’ ‘Don’t rise yet, let me kneel and -sw’ar too,’ the same as that tricky feller does in the play whar he’s -a-foolin’ the jealous nigger so bad; but I knowed it wouldn’t do, ’cause -he didn’t want me to see him kneel thar in the mud. So when he came back -he found me peltin’ a frog as if nothin’ had happened. - -“‘Come, Dolphus,’ ses he, ‘its gettin’ pooty late; I guess we mout as -well be a-movin’ back home.’ So we turned back toward the village, -though ’twa’n’t more than noon, and left old Shellbark fishin’ thar. He -did git even with him though. - -“One Sunday soon arter Parson Bodfish was”—here the farmer was -interrupted by a wild looking female who stuck her frowzy head out of an -open window, like a turtle out of its shell, and shouted, in anything -but a sweet voice:— - -“‘Dolphus! you natural born talkin’ machine you! what are ye a-settin’ -a-pratin’ and a-pratin’ about out thar? that old hog is in the gardin’ -ag’in, a-h’istin’ the parsnips, and crunchin’ ’em like an old b’ar.’ - -“Consarn her spotted hide!” he vociferated, jumping up and grabbing a -huge cudgel that lay near by. “Jest you stop yer, stranger, for about -ten seconds, until I make that old swine think thar’s a trip-hammer got -a foul of her, then I’ll tell ye how the parson got even.” - -“I couldn’t stop to hear the story any way,” I replied, “for I must be -travelling. However, I’ll take your advice and give the Deacon a wide -berth.” - -As I descended the hill, the swine’s wail was ringing in my ears, and I -judged the trip-hammer was at work. - -[Illustration] - - - - - IN A THOUSAND YEARS. - (A WOMAN’S DREAM OF THE FUTURE.) - - - ’Twill be all the same in a thousand years! - What a terrible line this, to draw out the tears. - Oh, how oft do I weep at the dance, or the play, - O’er the sorrows we women are doomed to convey; - And can it be so, must we stand at the gate, - Denied all the honors of the country or State? - Our part but to please and obey lordly man; - Be kind when he’s surly, and be sweet as we can; - As students to shiver, like leaves in the breeze, - If we chance to infringe on his rules or decrees? - Then have pity, ye gods, who look down on our case, - Shut from Bar, Bench and School Board, and every fat place, - To pick up the pennies that oppressors fling down, - For cutting and stitching, and clothing the town. - Oh, the tyrant’s sharp lash, his “pooh pooh’s,” and his sneers, - Will be all the same in a thousand years. - - Ah! ’tis not the same in a thousand years; - How sweet and how pleasant our life now appears, - For women no longer bow down at the nod - Of creatures, who ruled with a chain and a rod; - But as lawyers they plead, and as doctors dissect, - And in temples of learning control and direct. - The weak-footed student at mile-posts may rest - Without springing a mine in the President’s breast; - There’s no splitting of hairs to deny her the prize, - She receives her diploma and a blessing likewise; - Now women no more stitch and stew for their lives, - Or suffer injustice, because daughters or wives; - Lo, they sit down as jurors, they judge and they vote, - And in steering through life ply an oar in the boat. - The mother departed looks down here with pride - On her merciful child dealing charity wide; - While man, that once governed so harsh and severe, - Applies for positions in meekness and fear; - Now the cane of the dude is no more on the street, - The eyeglass is missing, and sharp-pointed feet, - The poor “chappy” himself is beyond the bright spheres, - For ’tis not the same in a thousand years. - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE COBBLER’S END. - - -A large crowd of people was standing in and around a small shoemaker’s -shop on Third Street. Elbowing my way to the inner circle, I found the -excitement was over a man who had committed suicide. He was lying upon -the floor, his hands still grasping a shot gun, with which he had blown -off the top of his head. - -I learned it was the shoemaker, and that he had committed the rash act -because the lady on whom his affections were set had seen fit to choose -another for her partner. Worst of all, it was a tailor who, to use a -common expression and one to the point, had cut him out. They were both -charmed with the comeliness of the young woman, and whenever an -opportunity offered, were in the habit of throwing sheep’s eyes in the -direction of her apartment. The lady seemed to grow more interested in -the situation, and even went so far as to smile archly upon him. - -The tailor, who had never received such a compliment from so pretty a -woman before, was quite carried away with joy. He felt that his love was -returned, and from that moment the world presented a different aspect. -It was not even a new picture in an old frame, or _vice versâ_, but was -new throughout. - -Even the old breeches on his lap seemed to suddenly undergo a strange -metamorphosis. The stout, rough material, over which he had lately been -bending with crippled fingers and sprung needle, in the twinkling of an -eye seemed transformed into a golden fleece, through which the waxed -thread flew like chain-lightning through a cotton umbrella. To have an -interview was now his only study, and where there’s a will there’s a -way. - -One day a small boy was pressed into service and intrusted with a letter -to the woman in whom his whole heart seemed wrapped. She received it -safely, and duly by return of post broke the delightful intelligence to -the tailor that his love was returned, and ended the epistle by -requesting him to call. - -Hardly had “seeling night scarfed up the tender eye of pitiful day,” -when the tailor with palpitating heart ascended the rickety stairs that -led to the apartment. How he was received there is no knowing, but it is -apparent to all he soon ingratiated himself with the handsome damsel, as -the sequel shows. - -The knight of the thimble and needle had saved considerable money and -was comely to look upon, while she was both free and willing to wed, so -the courtship was a short one. - -As it happened, the tailor had received an offer from a business firm in -the country that day, and as delays were considered dangerous, they -decided to be married at once and start for their new home. It chanced -that neither the lover nor his fair inamorata were troubled with enough -luggage to require the services of an express wagon, and it wasn’t long -before their traps were stuffed into sacks and bundles ready for -removal. - -Talk about striking while the iron is hot: they went ahead of the -time-honored injunction, and hammered the iron while it was yet in the -furnace. The bat had hardly found his evening meal before they were -united and received the congratulations of the officiating clergyman, -and before Hesperus led her starry host down to the western main the -happy pair might have been seen bending under their respective burdens, -and moving rapidly down the thoroughfare to catch the first train for -the country. - -[Illustration: A MOVING SCENE.] - -Crispin soon discovered his handsome bird had flown. This was too much -for the poor cobbler. He couldn’t bear up under the weight, and having -procured a shot-gun, soon ceased to exist. - -[Illustration: SHUFFLING OFF THE MORTAL COIL.] - -These facts I gleaned from a grocer who lived near by, and who was -acquainted with all the parties. My mind was so disturbed by the -distressing event, I found it impossible to sleep for hours after I -reached my room. I started in to recite a book of Paradise Lost, but it -was no go. I had Michael assaulting Satan with a shoemaker’s awl instead -of with his sword of celestial temper. I then endeavored to run over an -act in Shakespeare, but met with no better success. I had Othello -blowing his head off with a shot-gun, instead of stabbing himself with a -knife. Still, the terrible combination of circumstances culminating in -the death of the poor cobbler crowded upon me in a saddening train, and -much-needed rest came not to my relief until the following lines were -composed and set to music:— - - “Oh, the sunshine of his life - Had become a tailor’s wife, - Which was more than selfish heart could bear; - So he got his gun in haste, - In his mouth the muzzle placed, - Turned his eyes aloft as if in prayer; - On the trigger set his toes— - As the illustration shows— - Then up to the ceiling went his hair! - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE LAST OF HIS RACE. - - -While passing through the market this morning, I saw the old turkey that -had escaped the ravages of Christmas. He is said to be the sole remnant -of the turkey tribe—living or dead—at present to be found. Though the -door of his coop was open he seemed to have no desire to escape. -Evidently, like Byron’s “Prisoner of Chillon,” he has been so long an -inmate he has become attached to it, and would rather remain there than -take his chances in the busy world outside. - -He stood most of the time in the centre of the coop in a brown study. -Once, while I was looking at him, he attempted to expand the dilapidated -substitute for a tail and assume the dignity and strut of other days. -The effort was too much for him, and he settled down again into a -dreamy, somnolent state, from which the crowing of a large Brahma even -failed to arouse him. The poor fellow will doubtless fall a victim to -man’s rapacity on New Year, for I noticed a fleshy old epicure regarding -him with hungry sinister looks; nay, more, setting a price upon his -head. - -Passing again through the market this afternoon, I noticed the coop was -empty, the “Prisoner of Chillon” was missing. Who had purchased him? or -what had become of him? were questions which, however pertinent they -might be, I felt I had no right to ask, and I didn’t. But the finger of -suspicion points directly at the mouth of that venerable justice who was -setting a price upon its head. - - - - - JIM DUDLEY’S RACE. - - -Now that I am rid of my wild-cat mining stock, my aching teeth and -inverted toenails, “Jim Dudley” turns up again with his stories and -slang. - -Last night he told about the fast team he once sported in Indiana, and I -wager considerable that he never drove a horse in his life, except it -was to the pound that the might get half the fine. But this is the way -he spun his yarn:— - -“Did the boys tell you about the span I used to drive down at Grab -Corners? No? wal, that’s queer. I owned a mi’ty fast pair while I was -stoppin’ thar. - -“You see I fust had a four-year old hoss, and used to go buzzin’ through -the village like a streak o’ lightnin’; and when I had jest enough -whiskey aboard to make me feel a leetle reckless, I used to turn the -corners on the two inner wheels and never make a miss of it. - -“My ambition was to own a span, though. Arter a while I bought a young -mare from Deacon Shovelridge. She was the homeliest lookin’ critter, -though, you ever sot eyes on. Her tail was as hairless as a garter -snake. She was a basin-raised colt, and one mornin’ she was standin’ -round whar the boys were makin’ soap, and while backin’ up to the blaze -to git warm, her tail caught fire, and every spear of hair was burned -off. It never came out agin, nuther. - -“It made her look pooty bad, but I see the go was in her, and that was -what I was arter. Durin’ fly time I used to help her out of her troubles -a leetle by fastenin’ a heavy tassel to the end of her tail, and arter -some practice she could fetch a fly off her ribs or fore shoulder -e’enmost every pop. - -“I got her pooty reasonable. The Deacon said he was actewally ashamed to -go out with her, for the boys were allers a-hootin’ arter him. Besides, -the old codger seemed to have a likin’ for me, and allers took my part -when others were runnin’ me down. The mare matched the young hoss fust -rate. Both had hides like rhinoceroses, which sweat could never get -through. They might be bilin’ hot inside, but they never showed any -signs of it outwardly. - -[Illustration: ABE DRAKE.] - -“Arter a little trainin’ they pulled together, and spatted it out as -even as the wheels of a ferry-boat. I used to make a commotion among the -villagers when I turned out, for I could pass everythin’ around the -Corners; and you ought to have seen the fellers a-runnin’ out to hold -their hosses by the head when they see me comin’, and the wimmin -a-hollerin’ and tuckin’ up their skirts and scuddin’ arter their young -‘uns as though a drove of Mexican cattle were a-comin’ across the -bridge. - -“One day an old sport named Abe Drake, a sort of spreein’ old bachelor, -come over thar from Illinois. He afterwards married a brokin’ winded old -concert singer that used to be squeakin’ around there, and went to live -in Hulltown. Wal, as I was sayin’, he came over there and brought a -spankin’ fine team along. - -“They were amazin’ nice-lookin’ critters now, I can tell you; skins -smooth and shiny as seals, and tails on ’em that actewally trailed in -the dust behind. He allers had plenty of money, and was continewally -takin’ the gals around to one place or another. He was ginerally -considered the biggest cat on the wood pile. We never came in contact -when we had our teams out until one day at a picnic in Gawley’s Wood. - -“That straw-headed Kate Rykert was thar. She was the rollickin’, -don’t-care gal of the village, one of these tree-climbin’, -astride-ridin’ critters, but a mi’ty good gal for all that, and handsome -as a new fiddle. She was well up in the fine arts, but she could realize -more genuine enjoyment chargin’ through the pastur’ astride the old -mooly cow than she could by trummin’ a pianer. - -[Illustration: KATE RYKERT.] - -“Wal, there wasn’t hardly a gal in the village that Abe Drake hadn’t bin -a-spurrin’ round, and he had sort o’ commenced a-trampin’ on his wing -like around Kate Rykert about this time. - -“It happened I had a sort of weakness that way myself, and I didn’t like -his maneuverin’ any too well now, I kin assure you. He couldn’t make -much out of Kate, though. She liked fast horses and a splurge, but she -wasn’t one of those gals that would marry an old pair of breeches jest -because there was greenbacks in the pockets. - -“But, as I was remarkin’, that day while the picnic was breakin’ up, we -all got talkin’ about a ball that was comin’ off the followin’ week down -at Crow Bend. Abe wanted Kate to go down thar with him, but she had -partly agreed afore that to go long er me; so to git herself out of it -and me in, she said she would go with the one who could take her the -fastest. - -“‘That’s me,’ said Abe, straightenin’ up kind of proudly, and givin’ his -pantaloons a hitch up at the waistband. ‘I can let you count the panels -along the turnpike a leetle the quickest of any person around these -quarters,’ and he looked sideways at me to see how I took the assertion. - -“‘It’s not allers the hen that does the most extensive advertizin’ that -makes the largest deposits,’ said Tom Ruggles, laughin’, as he sat thar -packin’ away his dishes. - -“‘No, Tom,’ said Gus Parks, the millinery man, who didn’t like Abe any -too well, because he sort o’ smashed an engagement between him and the -schoolmarm; ‘and it’s not allers your longest-tailed quadrupeds that git -over the ground the fastest, nuther.’ - -“‘Wal, never mind, boys,’ ses I, jest easy, that way, ‘the proof of the -whiskey is in the headache arterwards. I reckon I kin kill as many -grasshoppers between here and Grab Corners as any person that cracks a -whip in these parts.’ - -“‘What! with them thick-skinned critters of yourn?’ said Abe, p’intin’ -his fingers at my hosses, and laughin’ as though it was mi’ty funny. It -made me feel pooty riley, but I kept my temper. - -“‘Supposin’ they hev thick skins,’ I ses, ‘they’re somethin’ like the -cheese that goggle-eyed Peter bought from the peddler, their peculiarity -doesn’t lie in the thickness of their hide so much as in the mysterious -way they have of movin’ themselves around.’ - -“‘S’pose you try a race back to the Corner, then,’ ses one of the boys. - -“‘Yes,’ ses Kate Rykert, clappin’ her hands and jumpin’ up. ‘I’ll ride -back to the Corner with one of you, and let Tilley Evans go with the -other, and I’ll go to the ball with the one who gets to the village -first.’ - -“‘Agreed,’ ses Abe, ‘and you’ll ride back with me?’ - -“‘No, I’m heavier than Tilley,’ ses Kate, ‘let everythin’ be even; toss -up for partners back to the Corner.’ - -“This seemed fair, so we flipped, and I won Kate. She weighed ten pounds -more than Tilley, but I didn’t care for that, for I knowed if the worst -come to the worst, she was none of your jumpin’ out kind; she would -stick to the buggy while there was one wheel and the seat left, and -that’s the sort of a gal to have along with a feller when he’s tryin’ -hoss flesh. - -“The whole picnic gathered around us when we were gettin’ our teams -ready and war speculatin’ on the result. Money was gwine up on all -sides. Parson Briarly had no change about him, but he bet his gold-bowed -spectacles against old Silverthorn’s meerschaum pipe that I would git to -the Corner fust. - -“‘Beat him, Jim,’ ses Gus Parks, ‘and I’ll give Kate the best bonnet in -the store.’ - -“‘And I’ll give her the highest-heeled pair of boots that I’ve got in my -shop,’ said Tom Ruggles, the boot and shoe dealer. - -“‘Then Kate is a bonnet and a pair of boots ahead, for sartain,’ says I, -jumpin’ into the buggy and squarin’ round my horses for the road; and -with that we started, lick-a-te-split! down the turnpike, Abe a leetle -ahead, but not enough to make much difference with five miles of good -turnpike ahead of us, without let or hindrance. - -“Pooty soon Kate leaned over to me, and ses she, ‘You must beat him, -Jim, for between you and me, I would ruther go to the ball with you than -with Abe.’ - -“This made me feel mi’ty good, and ses I, ‘You mustn’t get skeered, -then, for I reckon we’ll hev to take some desperate chances to git thar -fust.’ - -“‘Let me alone for that,’ ses she; ‘when I can’t ride as fast as a hoss -can run, then I’ll stay to hum, and let dad tote me around in the -wheelbarrow.’ - -“Just then we came up with him. He tried to shake us off, and would -spurt ahead, but I’d crawl up on him agin, and stick thar, lappin’ him -and goin’ with him stretch for stretch, like a dog when he’s a-freezin’ -to a pig’s ear. Away went Kate’s hat a-flutterin’ over butter-cup swale, -like a Bird of Paradise over the gardin’ of Eden. - -“‘That’s mi’ty bad, Kate,’ ses I, lookin’ over my shoulder at it sailin’ -off. - -“‘Let it go hatchin’,’ ses Kate, laughin’. ‘It’s only gettin’ out of the -way of the new bonnet.’ - -“I thought ’twas a good omen myself, but didn’t say anythin’, for jist -then Abe shot a leetle ahead, and as he was gwine off, he hollered, ‘You -can’t do it, Jim.’ - -“‘I kin,’ ses I, determinedly. - -“‘Your hosses are ginnin’ out; they hain’t got the bottom into ’em,’ he -shouted, jest that way. - -“‘It must hev dropped out last night, then,’ ses I, and with that I -overhauled him agin. Past Brian O’Laughlan’s door yard we went like a -whirlwind through a flour ‘mill, over a hen and three suckin’ pigs. The -old woman was standin’ thar in the yard with her apron full of chickens, -shakin’ her fist at us and swearin’ like a drunken gypsy. Her long -tongue was a-slushin’ and dashin’ against her one front tooth like a mop -ag’inst a table leg. - -[Illustration: MRS. O’LAUGHLAN.] - -“I could have laughed myself to tears only I had to keep my eyes clear, -for the road was so narrow in some places that when we were abreast -there wasn’t any ground to spare. - -[Illustration: JUST AS IT WAS.] - -“We were now passin’ the half-way spring and the race was fully as -undecided as when we broke away from the hootin’ crowd on the picnic -grounds. - -“Down past old Deacon Shovelridge’s ten-acre hop yard we went -rack-a-te-bang! hub end against hub end, and the outer wheels a-spokin’ -it within six inches of a four-foot ditch. - -“The ride to the Corners began to look like the ride to etarnity, and -Tilley was as pale as a gray nun’s ghost, and continewally making -narvous reaches for the lines. - -“But Kate was equal to the surroundin’s. Thar she sot, with one arm -around me and ’tother graspin’ the seat rail, and above the clatter of -hoofs and steel axles, I could hear her repeatin’:— - -“‘Stick to him, Jim, and start my stitches, if he doesn’t git his crop -full of dust yet!’ - -“Old Shovelridge was in the field on a load of hay as we were passin’. -He was inclined to piety, and if the world had no hosses in it I reckon -he’d have been as pious as a church organ. - -“And when he saw us a-raspin’ down the turnpike as though we were ridin’ -in a four-hoss chariot, and saw Kate Rykert’s great swad of blonde har -a-streamin’ out behind, like the tail of a comet, he couldn’t contain -his feelin’s no how. - -“He gin a rousin’ whoop like a Chilchat Indian, when he sights a fur -hunter. Throwin’ away the pitchfork—which accidentl’y harpooned the old -lady in the back who was rakin’ behind—and jumpin’ from the load, he -took across the field to’ards the turnpike, swingin’ his old straw hat -and hollerin’:— - -“‘Go it, Dudley; go it! Keep the hoss up with the rat-tail mare, and -I’ll bet my farm you’ll make Grab Corner fust!’ - -“This made me feel pooty good, for the mare was the one I had some fears -about. - -“But you ought to see how it affected Abe; he commenced to slash his -hosses and swar like an ox teamster when his cart is stuck hub deep in -the mud. - -“Finally the off-horse broke, and there was a sort of irregular upheaval -among ’em for a while, as though they war steppin’ on broken cakes of -ice; one would be gwine down while ’tother was a-comin’ up. - -“Abe tried to bring ’em down to their work agin, and in the meantime I -kind of corkscrewed ahead and swung into the centre of the road in -advance of him. Then I began to feel somethin’ like a feller what holds -the winnin’ cards, and sees the other chaps a-pilin’ up the coin on -their inferior pasteboards. But I see some young half-breeds a-squattin’ -around on the road about a quarter of a mile ahead, and knowed at the -rate we war travellin’ we’d be on top of ’em before they’d see us if I -didn’t haul up. - -“So I ses to Kate, ‘See them plag’y brats ahead of us thar! what bed we -better do about it?’ - -“‘Run over the centipedes,’ ses she. ‘Abe ain’t a gwine to slack up for -’em,’ and she cuddled closer to me so the jolt wouldn’t hist her out. - -“I shouted two or three times, but they were too busy with their mud -pies, I reckon, to take any notice, and Abe was makin’ no signs of -haulin’ up. I did my best to sheer round ’em, and kept right on for the -Corner. - -“I heered ’em scream as we went a-whirlin’ on, but reckon it was more -through fright than injury. - -“Abe had lost his grippin’s. He couldn’t overhaul me ag’in, no how, and -I gradually crawled away from him, if he did his pootiest. - -“The whole village seemed to be out to the bridge to see what was -comin.’ - -“They see the dust risin’ when we were more’n a mile away, and they -allowed the greatest run-away was a-comin’ down the turnpike that had -happened since Bull Run, and were out thar speculatin’ as to whose -family was in danger. - -“But when they see it was a race, and recognized me, you ought to see -the scatterin’ amongst ’em. You’d think a hull menagery had broken loose -and was comin’ for ’em. - -“Ole Pelvy, the shoemaker, was a-settin’ on the railin’ of the bridge; -but jest as I crossed it, the crowd hoorayed, and jostled him off. He -hung over the railin’ by one leg, with his body swayin’ below, and him -a-hollerin’ like a good feller, and signalin’ for help, but the crowd -were so taken up with the race, and were cheerin’ and swingin’ of their -hats continewally, that they never knowed anythin’ about his position. - -[Illustration: CURING PEOPLE’S CORNS.] - -“Pooty soon his leg slipped over, and then he went, end over end more’n -twenty-five feet, into the river, and was carried over the falls before -anybody missed him. Arter that people weren’t troubled so much with -corns around Grab Corner, for though he’s dead now, I’ll say it of him, -he was the wust shoemaker that ever shoved an awl into a hide. - -“I druv up to the hotel, and had jest got through helpin’ Kate out, when -up come Abe, with his hosses hobblin’ as if they had picked up a -twenty-penny nail in every hoof. - -“They looked somewhat as if they had bin swimmin’ in a soap vat. - -“Abe was very much of a man, though, arter all. His hosses I reckon had -never bin passed before, but he didn’t bluster or git mad about it -neither, though it must have bin pooty tryin’ to him. - -“‘By the Witch of Endor’s long eye tooth,’ he cried, as he jumped from -the buggy, ‘you did it, Jim; and you did it fair. Only I kinder think -you swung in ahead of me a leetle too quick, back thar where that crazy -old whipperin hollered so.’ - -“‘No, Abe,’ ses I, ‘I didn’t take an inch o’ turnpike till I was -entitled to it.’ - -“‘Wal,’ ses he, as he came round to look at my animals, that were -standin’ thar seemingly as cool as a brace of toads in a celler, ‘I’ll -be shot if them hosses of yourn ain’t somethin’ like the widder Tappan’s -boarders. The speed they show in gettin’ away with anythin’ was most -surprisin’.’ - -“So Kate Rykert got the bonnet and boots, and I gin her a new dress to -go with them, and if we didn’t shine out some the next week down to Crow -Bend then thar ain’t no use talkin’ about it, that’s all.” - -[Illustration] - - - - - OLEOMARGARINE. - - - Through the busy bustling street, - Rolls a cart I often meet, - The driver shouting from the seat: - “Oleomargarine!” - - On the tail-board long and wide, - Reaching fair from side to side, - Shines the word in painted pride: - “Oleomargarine!” - - What it is doth not appear, - Where it comes from all may fear, - Still I shudder when I hear: - “Oleomargarine!” - - Here and there he slowly crawls, - Pausing by the butcher stalls, - In the kitchen door he bawls: - “Oleomargarine!” - - Bring your tallow, bring your fat, - Candle ends and all like that, - They will issue from the vat - Oleomargarine. - - Any scraps you have about, - Kidney, liver, tripe, or snout, - All will make, when they’re tried out, - Oleomargarine. - - Comes the cry across the way, - From a dame with rent to pay: - “Do you purchase puppies? say, - Oleomargarine!” - - “Is he fat?” the driver cries; - “I should say so,” she replies; - “Then pitch him in where pussy lies.” - Oleomargarine! - - In the church, or at the play, - In the parlor, night or day, - Still the voices seem to say: - “Oleomargarine!” - - From the birds that round me fly, - In the brook that babbles by, - Still I seem to catch the cry: - “Oleomargarine!” - - With suspicion now I spread - The cow’s rich offering on my bread - That weird butter still I dread,— - Oleomargarine! - - Dainties now I must forego, - Pies and cakes and puddings, Oh! - Can I trust them? no! no!! no!!! - Oleomargarine! - - - - - DINING UNDER DIFFICULTIES. - - -Taking dinner to-day in a restaurant, I was in danger of being carried -off by cockroaches. If I was inclined to draw comparisons, I would say -that in size the cockroaches I encountered in this place would compare -favorably with cupboard door buttons. I had seen these troublesome -insects on former occasions when I thought they were numerous—when they -were as thick around the bread-plate as bees around their hive in June. -But I had never been present when they turned out in sufficient numbers -to take and hold possession of everything upon the table, even to the -mustard-pot. To-day I witnessed such a spectacle. I counted until I -tired; their skelping to and fro made the task painfully difficult, and -the effort was abandoned. They had evidently been lying in ambush in the -cruet stand from the moment I sat down and gave my order, for the ring -of the plate as it struck the board seemed to be the signal for a -general advance. They appeared in military ranks, moving towards the -dish in a semicircle, like a line of Fenian skirmishers advancing -heroically upon a turnip patch. There were no frost-nipped fellows, with -drooping horns and dragging limbs, among those legions either. All were -active, square-shouldered customers, real thoroughbreds, wide across the -hips, and boasting a depth of chest capable of enduring any amount of -running; while their long, formidable-looking feelers stood out at right -angles from their heads, like the horns on a Mexican steer. - -[Illustration: BUMMERS ON THE RAID.] - -“During your natural life,” I commenced, addressing a waiter who stood -near by, evidently enjoying my surprise, “whether while officiating as -head steward on board of a floating palace on the Mississippi, or -serving as second cook on a grain scow on the San Joaquin, did you ever -run across a place where the cockroaches were one-ninetieth part as -numerous as they are in this restaurant?” - -“Numerous?” he answered; “you should be here a warm, sunshiny day, if -you want to see cockroaches, for then all the invalids are out—those -fellows who have had their movements across the table accelerated by a -snapping finger, or such as have only tasted the poison scattered around -for their benefit, or those who have taken an overdose and throwed it up -again. These lie in cracks and cupboards, with stiffened joints and weak -stomachs, when the weather is cold and cloudy; but when a warm day -comes, they are all abroad and busy.” - -“Well, I will bear that in mind,” I said, rising from the table, “and -when the next total eclipse of the sun occurs, which, as I am informed, -will take place in about four hundred and thirty-seven years, I may come -into this restaurant for another meal, and not until then,” and with -that I left. - - - - - ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. - - -The editor of a city paper having occasion to take a trip into the -country, prevailed upon me to assume the responsibility of answering -letters from correspondents. The task is an onerous one—the more so as -the editor, with that cunning ever noticeable in a person who takes the -cream of a job, left me to reply only to the knottiest epistles. But I -will some time get even with him, however. I will assume the editorial -“we,” and should I waken the wrath of any person, _he_ will be the -sufferer. Here is a copy of my answer to “Katie:”— - -“The minister was perfectly right in refusing to marry the couple, if, -as you say, the bride insisted upon holding her poodle in her arms -during the ceremony. The more so as the clergyman was near-sighted. He -might possibly mistake the puppy for the bridegroom.” - -Another person accuses a correspondent of a mis-statement. He says it -was the editor of the _Farmer_, and not the editor of the _Examiner_, -who planted the package of No. 16 homœopathic pills sent him from the -country by a wag, as the seeds of a Sandwich Island cabbage. - -The old editor for weeks regularly watered the plot where he sowed them; -but as nothing appeared, wrote to the country gentleman, informing him -that his seeds hadn’t sprouted, and he thought it likely they might have -been taken from a dead head. - -“Amy” is all in a fluster about spirits. I will talk to her after this -manner:— - -“We have always considered spiritualism the bluest carbuncle that ever -festered upon the neck of society. We care not if the spirits were -rapping around our table like a forty-stamp mill, we would eat our -regular allowance with all the coolness that a Celestial manifests when -absorbing his birds’-nest soup. If your bed dances a _pas-seul_ after -you get into it at night, there must be more than spirits around; and -you would do well to throw a boot-jack or flat-iron under it before -retiring. Such a proceeding might give you the satisfaction of hearing -the spirits yell blue murder. - -“There is not much danger of your going crazy, because, in plain terms, -we consider you to be luny already. The poor fellow in the lunatic -asylum who imagines Queen Victoria has made a private residence of his -nose, and who has nearly blown both eyes out striving to eject her, is -hardly more so.” - -I trust the editor will lose some hair over that answer. - -On second thought, I remember the editor has none. - - - - - COURT-ROOM SCENES. - - -I am as full of law this evening as a sea-shell of sound, having been -wedged in the District Court room from 10 o’clock A. M. to 9 P. M., -listening to testimony in the re-trial of the case of the People vs. a -fiery lady, if we may use the expression, who brought down her game the -first shot. - -Though the room was crowded almost to suffocation, I fancy there is not -that deep interest that was manifested during the former trial. On that -occasion there were so many letters introduced in evidence, such a mass -of private correspondence dragged from musty trunks, and laid open to -the public, that thousands flocked daily to the court room, in hopes of -hearing something rich, if not instructive. I shall never forget the -excitement during the reading of letter No. 947. It was from the -defendant. - -The counsel for the defence argued a good round two hours and a half by -the court-room clock, against the letter being admitted in evidence. He -maintained it was irrelevant, as it had never been opened, the receiver -forgetting to read it, or neglecting to do so, for some reason of his -own. - -[Illustration: A DROWSY JURY.] - -The counsel for the people followed with even a longer appeal to the -judge to admit the letter, strengthening his argument by lengthy -quotations from Blackstone, Kent, Wharton, and other authorities, -endeavoring to prove it should be put in evidence, as its contents might -assist materially in furthering the ends of justice. - -The judge began to show unmistakable signs of impatience. He remarked -that already a package of letters had been read that would go far -towards shingling the Mechanics’ Pavilion, and had no more bearing upon -the point at issue than “Darwin’s Descent of Man” had upon the culture -of white beans. He finally gave way before the preponderance of the -prosecuting attorney’s argument, and directed an officer to wake the -jury, as a letter was to be read that all should hear. After -considerable shaking and poking, this difficult duty was performed. Even -the deaf juror was aroused, though the good-natured judge had permitted -him to sleep during the introduction of several preceding epistles. - -After order was restored, and an inventive juror had improvised an ear -trumpet with a piece of legal cap for his unfortunate companion, the -_billet doux_ was opened. As the seal was broken, judge and jury rose to -their feet with one accord, and leaned as far forward as their desks -would allow, the more readily to catch every word of the important -document. The silence in the room was death-like. It was supposed that -on the contents of this letter hung either a scaffold or an acquittal. -The weak ticking of the dusty clock upon the wall was the only sound -that disturbed the awful stillness. As the calm settled, the muffled -beat of the time-piece increased in force and volume until it seemed to -attain the tones of a fire bell. Presently the attorney in a high and -tremulous voice began to read. The contents ran thus:— - - “MY DEAR, DELIGHTFUL DARLING:—How are my stocks selling now? - - Your Loving, Adoring L——.” - -The effect was thrilling. The lawyer dropped the letter upon the table -before him, ran his white fingers through his hair, and looked around -with the air of a tired traveler when he ascertains he has walked five -miles upon the wrong road. The gentlemen of the jury, with looks more of -anger than of sorrow, dropped into their seats as suddenly as though an -invisible hand had caught them from behind and jerked them to their -benches. - -The Judge, with an ill-concealed look of disgust, settled back into his -chair, and the deep crease in his vest, immediately over where his -dinner should have been hours before, grew more painfully perceptible. - -I elbowed my way from the suffocating room before further correspondence -was selected from the package for perusal. - - - - - THE MASON’S RIDE. - - - The goat, the goat, the bearded goat! - The horned, the hoofed, the hairy goat! - As I’m a sinner of some note, - Last night I rode the Mason’s goat! - - He was a beast of wondrous size, - With lengthy limbs and glassy eyes, - And beard that swept the carpet clear, - And horns that shook the chandelier! - Ye gods! if there’s a time we feel - Misgivings through our noddle steal, - It is when we through mystery float - Upon the dark Freemason’s goat. - - Now some will say there’s no such thing, - And at the goat derision fling; - And say that all is Fancy wrought, - Through fear and dread suspicion brought. - But those who such remarks outpour - Have never knocked at Mason’s door, - Have nothing known about that beast - That was imported from the East, - Where kings of wisdom, wealth, and pomp - Bestrode him through his midnight romp. - - Three times was I compelled to ride - The creature ‘round the Temple wide, - But while I tried the fearful mount, - My heart’s pulsations all might count, - For thump on thump with treble knell - Within my breast it rose and fell. - - Twice did I make the circuit fair, - My hold his horns, his tail, or hair, - Though never shot a kangaroo, - So fast Australian jungle through. - From garret roof to basement floor, - Through ante-room and closet door, - O’er winding steps and columns tall, - He held his way through house and hall, - Till on the third attempt, and last, - When I presumed all danger past, - He pitched me clear of horns and head, - And left me far below for dead. - -[Illustration: THE ROCKY ROAD TO MASONRY.] - - I felt as though a worthless clod - Unfit to keep above the sod; - But when I rose with terror pale - The goat had vanished, head and tail, - And I was styled by one and all - The greenest mason in the hall. - - Let those who deem they are possessed - Of fadeless cheeks and valiant breast, - Of hair that never will aspire - To bristle like a brush of wire, - No matter through what risk they run, - Go ride that goat, as I have done. - -[Illustration] - - - - -[Illustration: JUNE] - - JUNE - - - Oh June! thou comest once again - With bales of hay and sheaves of grain, - That make the farmer’s heart rejoice, - And anxious herds lift up their voice. - I hear thy promise, sunny maid, - Sound in the reapers’ ringing blade, - And in the laden harvest wain, - That rumbles through the stubble plain. - - Ye tell a tale of bearded stacks, - Of busy mills and floury sacks; - Of cars oppressed with cumbrous loads, - Hard curving down their iron roads; - Of barges grounding on their way - Down winding streams to reach the bay; - Of vessels spreading to the breeze - Their snowy sails in stormy seas, - While bearing to some foreign strand - The products of this golden land. - - Ye come again with cereal brows, - And crescent blade, to fill the mows; - And never fall thy feet too soon, - Oh, ever welcome, sunny June. - - Once more I see your banner spread - Across the evening sky, - I see your trace in shallow brooks - That feebly ripple by. - I see your face in mirror-lakes, - In fields and forests old, - And in the gardens all arrayed - In crimson, blue and gold. - - I hear your voice in twittering birds, - That round the gables wheel, - And in the humming monologues - Which from the meadows steal. - Oh, month of Love and plighted faith, - And airy castles high! - I hear you in the lover’s song - And in the maiden’s sigh. - - And in the breeze that gently wakes - The leaves upon the bough, - I feel your soothing mother-touch - Caressing cheek and brow. - Oh, sweet as sunrise to the lark, - As noonday to the bee, - Or evening to the nightingale, - Is June’s return to me. - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE ANNIVERSARY. - - -This is the anniversary of my departure from my native fields. As I sit -gazing by the fire, pondering over the event, thoughts of friends far -away and foes who are near, come crowding upon me numerous as spirits -around some favored medium. - -Many years ago I turned my back upon all I loved and setting my face -against the sinking sun, cried:— - - “Ho, sailors! spread your widest sails, - And court the strong impellent gales, - Until the stout and stubborn mast - Bends like a sapling to the blast; - And westward let your bearing be; - My fortune lies beyond the sea.” - -What a ruinous rent fifteen or twenty years make in a person’s lease of -life. Why, bless my benighted understanding! the seal, the signature and -the better portion of the parchment are gone. There’s hardly enough -document remaining upon which to hinge a hope. Now, that I think of it, -what have the departed years neglected to bring me? No flaxen heads -cluster around my board; no nose is flattened against the window pane; -no eye strained to mark my coming, when the granite pave is chafed by -the homeward hastening feet. - -No jute or mohair chignons lie around my room in rich profusion, adding -charms to the apartment that pictures cannot give. - -When I muse upon the many blessings that the past years have failed to -furnish, I am inclined to sadness. But when I turn to contemplate what -they _have_ brought, my heart sinks down into its lowest recess and for -a time lies still. Aye! that’s the rub that makes me wince. - -There is but little satisfaction in the thought that I am not alone in -this. I look around and I see others drifting down the stream as rapidly -as I. Time is cutting furrows in fairer brows than mine. He has brought -many a person during the last ten years— - - A scattered sight, a limping gait, - Toothless gums and a shining pate. - -Why should I squeal because I feel his hands? But where are those full -cheeks, those hopeful smiles, those luxuriant locks, and firm-set -grinders that once were mine? - - Gone, like the life from a busted balloon, - Gone, like the soul from a ruptured bassoon, - Gone, like the sheen from a pock-pitted cheek, - Gone, like our change at the close of the week, - Gone! - -But what has that to do with my sore heel, peeled to-day by the hoof of -a clergyman’s horse before I could get out of the way? The event called -forth the following lines, written while laboring under great mental -excitement: - - How blest is he above the many - Who turns to-day a handsome penny, - By stating to the drowsy throng - The line dividing right and wrong! - Far richer pickings he commands - Than ears of corn rubbed in the hands. - How different now from days of yore, - When sandal-shod and spirit sore, - With stiffened joints and limber thews, - And garments damp with midnight dews, - The poor Apostles, staff in hand, - Went limping through a stranger’s land. - - Now charge they up and down the way, - Like jockeys on the “Derby day;” - And we poor wights must waltz aside, - And let the pulpit princes glide; - Or have a phaeton o’er us wheeled, - Or have our heels adroitly peeled. - - Oh, money! money! root and start - Of every sin, ’tis claimed thou art; - But let them doubt the fact who will, - ’Tis money spreads the gospel still. - - - - - A COUNTRY TOUR. - - -Yesterday I took a trip to a quiet country resort. On entering the town -I was surprised at the scarcity of men in the place. There were plenty -of women—fashionably dressed and otherwise—to be seen in the houses or -gardens, but I rarely encountered one of the male sex in my travels -through the streets. This, I at first supposed, was owing to the number -of gentlemen residing there who carry on business in the city by the -sea, and are consequently in the latter place during the day. I was -informed, however, by the proprietor of the hotel at which I stopped, -that such was not the case. He assured me it was mainly owing to the -fact that the County Court commenced that morning, and most of the male -inhabitants, as was their custom on such occasions, had taken to the -surrounding woods and mountains to escape jury duty. - -The place is beautifully situated between high green hills, and said to -possess the healthiest climate of any town in the State. During the -summer months people flock there from all parts of the country. Healthy -people pay high prices at the hotels for the privilege of living there, -and sickly people do likewise, for the privilege of dying there. - -The peculiarities of the town, and the distinctive manners and customs -of the inhabitants, have been ably described by a poet whose effusions -have not yet been translated into the foreign languages. Following is a -part of the poem which bears directly on the town in question:— - - “Here rest we now by sulphur well, - Where invalids and nurses dwell; - Where yelping dogs run through the street - Like wolves across a prairie wide, - And cattle wild as bison meet - You face to face, on every side; - With tails in air, and frothy nose, - And leveled horns, they round you close. - - “Where people sit around the door, - In lazy groups of three or four, - And still their chronic thirst abate - With copious draughts of ‘sulphur straight.’” - -There was quite an excitement in the town before I left. A fire broke -out in an ash barrel situated in the rear yard of the house at which I -was stopping, and for a time threatened to destroy the ashes. There is -no estimating the amount of damage the citizens might have suffered if -the fire had spread to a wash-tub that stood close by, and which at the -time contained a portion of the town’s washing. Business was generally -suspended, and stock in the insurance companies went down immediately. -The citizens breathed more freely, however, when the efficient and -energetic Fire Department turned out promptly as one man, and hastened -to the city water-works, situated on a slight eminence in the centre of -the town, and, turning on the water, succeeded in extinguishing the -flames. The only damage done was the partial burning of the barrel and -the scorching of the wash-tub and five dog-houses. The dogs were lying -under the kitchen stove at the time, and escaped injury. - -[Illustration: THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.] - - - - - A TRIP ACROSS THE BAY. - - -I took a trip across the water this afternoon. The bay was so rough the -ferry-boat could scarcely make her trips. The passengers were nearly all -sea-sick, and, elbow to elbow, leaned over the side of the vessel. One -gentleman, while gazing into the sea, lost his hat overboard, but he was -so taken up with internal affairs that he cared little for outward -appearances, as one could readily observe. - -I reached my destination, and was convinced that all the sorrows are not -on the sea. I saw a poor old woman thrown into terrible disorder by a -kick from the cow she was milking in her own yard. Judging by the -quantity of milk lying around loose, she must have been nearly through -her task, and was probably in the very act of complimenting the cow for -her generosity, when the spiteful animal gave the pail a hoist -completely over the woman’s head, like a huge helmet, while the lacteal -fluid ran down her body. The pail seemed to stick, despite her efforts -to remove it. - -[Illustration: PEERING INTO THE DEPTHS.] - -As I looked back, I could see her groping toward the house, her visage -still concealed in the blue bucket. She did look odd enough, as she felt -her way up the steps, decorated with that novel head-dress. - -[Illustration: GOOD-BYE.] - -There is a youth in this suburban town who bids fair to be a second -Landseer. As I passed his father’s residence, I saw the young aspirant -at work sketching from nature. - -He had the foot of a little cur fast in the jaws of a steel-trap staked -in the orchard. The artist sat at a short distance sketching the poor -beast, as it stood on three legs gazing at the heavens and crying -piteously. He was eagerly striving to get the expression of pain upon -the dog’s face, and by the grin upon his own countenance I judged he was -succeeding. - -[Illustration: SKETCHING FROM NATURE.] - -There was something in the pair that reminded me of Parrhasius and the -Captive; and being in somewhat of a sketching mood myself at the time, I -produced my book and pencil, and leaning over the fence, sketched the -painter and his howling model. - -[Illustration: SO SICK!] - -On my way back to the city the bay seemed even rougher than in the -morning. There was hardly a passenger on board the ferry-boat but showed -symptoms of trouble. Although most of them would have been excellent -subjects for the artist of a comic pictorial, my attention was specially -directed towards an elderly lady who sat with folded arms, the elbows -resting upon her knees, and a most woe-begone expression upon her -wrinkled visage. Some passengers who were sick were able partly to -conceal their emotions; _she_ was not; every muscle of her face betrayed -her. She was sick and couldn’t help but show it. - -[Illustration: AT THE RAIL.] - -If any individual amongst that crowd of disquieted passengers knocked -louder at the door of human sympathy than did the old lady referred to, -it was unmistakably that woman who was sick and had to show it at the -vessel’s rail. - - - - - CHRISTMAS EVE. - - -Christmas Eve! I sit idly by my window, listening to the rapid patter of -the rain upon the shingles and the wild whistle of the wind as it plays -around the gables, or draws weird music from the telegraph wires -stretched between the house tops, and upon which dangles the ghost of -many a schoolboy’s kite. Christmas Eve! and I am not yet invited out to -dinner! what can this mean? Am I then left to wither for want of -attention, like some poor shrub plucked from a garden and planted in a -graveyard? Well, let it be so. Alone though I am, I nevertheless enjoy -myself hugely, and it requires considerable to enliven me now. There was -a time when I could be moved to mirth by very little. The desperate -efforts of a one-legged grasshopper describing circles while endeavoring -to leap straight ahead, would amuse me for hours together. But it is not -so now; I turn from such scenes to bury my eyes in the pages of profound -works, and it is meet and proper I should. - -For the last half hour I have been watching an old washerwoman stealing, -as I think, a neighbor’s wood. It is barely possible that she is taking -this method of paying herself for services rendered at the tub. Be this -as it may, the wood is going. There is no mistake about that. - -It is interesting to me, as it furnishes food for comment, and keeps the -mind from lagging too long around the saddening fact that Time is -writing lines upon my brow “with his antique pen.” Besides it is holiday -season, and though I am not able to be charitable to a great degree, I -can at least afford to be indifferent in this case. - -The washerwoman is doubtless a hard-working and deserving old body, who -perhaps has sunk her whole week’s earnings in a Christmas turkey, that -her children’s hearts may be made glad and their stomachs full; and it -would be a great pity if it should be spoiled i’ the cooking for the -want of fuel. - -I waive the crime, and speak of the facts from a disinterested -stand-point. I have been such a diligent scholar in the severe school of -experience, that I have learned to look upon my own misfortunes lightly, -and certainly can behold—with an unmoistened eye—my neighbor’s choicest -sticks noiselessly slipping into an adjoining yard. Besides, my neighbor -can afford to lose a few. To make my position good, I entrench myself -behind the following fact: To be in the fashion, he pays the price of a -good-sized farm for seats at the opera, where the language is as foreign -to his understanding as South Sea Island gibberish. While he -indifferently beholds such a wasteful running at the bung, why should I -assume the busybody’s _rôle_ and clap my finger on the dripping spigot? - -Besides, I saw his wife last evening with fully four yards of expensive -satin trailing in the dust. It was my misfortune to be walking directly -behind her. As the crowd was pressing me onward, I was obliged to dance -a sailor’s hornpipe around the hall, in order to keep from treading upon -her skirts. It needed not the grins of lookers-on to assure me that I -was cutting a ridiculous figure. - -I am now enjoying my revenge! Indirectly though it comes, it is none the -less sweet or acceptable. On the contrary, it is rather more gratifying, -as it calls for no action on my part, but simply to keep my mouth -hermetically sealed. The poet truly sings:— - - “Time at last sets all things even.” - -It has been in this case much quicker than I expected. As the skinny -white arm stretches up out of the gloom of the washerwoman’s yard, and -another billet shoots from the pile and disappears like a star from the -firmament of heaven, I feel that a load is lifted from my heart, and I -am reaping revenge. - -Stay! what is this? a note, that all the evening escaped my notice. Lo! -an aroma issues from it, sweet as Cytherea’s breath! It is an -invitation, as I live, to help dissect a Christmas turkey! Sound the -timbrel, beat the tom-tom. I am not forgotten yet! - -[Illustration] - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - TRANSCRIBER’S NOTES - - - 1. P. 319, changed “shovin’ of it” to “shovin’ all of it”. - 2. Silently corrected typographical errors and variations in spelling. - 3. Archaic, non-standard, and uncertain spellings retained as printed. - 4. Footnotes were re-indexed using numbers and collected together at - the end of the chapter. - 5. 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