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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1317ecd --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #64953 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/64953) diff --git a/old/64953-0.txt b/old/64953-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 5c1493c..0000000 --- a/old/64953-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5019 +0,0 @@ -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 64953 *** - - - - - TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE - - Original stage directions were usually in italic and - placed in parentheses ( ). A few inconsistencies--no - closing parenthesis, use of [ instead of (, no - italic--have been left unchanged. - - Stage directions were usually right-aligned with varying - indentation on the left, sometimes beginning on the same - line as the dialog, sometimes on a new line. This etext - generally puts them on a new right-aligned line(s) with - an indentation on the left of 12 spaces. They have been - kept in-line with the dialog when it made sense to do so. - - As noted under the list of Dramatis Personæ ‘The - Passages put between inverted Commas are omitted in the - Representation’--meaning that this marked dialog was - omitted by the actors in the Theatre-Royal production - of the play. The start and end of these passages are - marked with {{ and }} in this etext. The inverted commas - are shown as opening and closing double quotes: “ and ”. - Redundant inverted commas at the beginning of lines have - been removed. - - The original text used the longform ſ, replaced here by - the modern s. - - Italic text is denoted by _underscores_. - - Some minor corrections to the text are noted at the end - of the book. - - - - - THE - - FOLLIES OF A DAY; - - OR, THE - - MARRIAGE OF FIGARO. - - A COMEDY, - - AS IT IS NOW PERFORMING AT THE - - THEATRE-ROYAL, - - COVENT-GARDEN. - - FROM THE - - FRENCH OF M. DE BEAUMARCHAIS. - - BY THOMAS HOLCROFT. - - AUTHOR OF DUPLICITY, A COMEDY, THE NOBLE - PEASANT, AN OPERA, &C. - - LONDON: - Printed for G. G. J. and J. ROBINSON, - PATER-NOSTER ROW. - - M DCC LXXXV. - - - - - ADVERTISEMENT. - - -Though to thank the Public is to thank nobody, since -no particular Person takes this Sort of Compliments to -himself, yet were I not to feel that Gratitude, which -individually I know not where to pay, I were unworthy of -past, of present, or of future Favours. - -An Author’s Thanks to the World at large may be seen under -two very different Aspects: For, to thank the Public is -to tell the Public he is successful; which, supposing it -true, it would be strange if they did not already know; -it appears therefore only to be taking an Opportunity of -indulging his Vanity: And yet to thank them seems his Duty, -since his Silence might not only be construed a want of -Respect, but an arrogant Self-confidence that, when they -applauded or approved his Work, they only did him justice. -The Reader must determine which of these Faces he will -please to view. - -I am so well convinced that the best Writer stands in need -of Indulgence, and that he only does well by Comparison, -and might do much better, that I shall find little -Mortification in subscribing to the Opinions of those who -shall tell me I am in this latter Predicament. - -Readers are divided into two Classes; the one will allow an -Author much more than he merits, and the other much less; -but the principal Excellencies of _The Follies of a Day_ -are so known to be another’s Right, that for me to claim -them would be ridiculous. Some, however, have affirmed that -it is a mere Translation, who have never seen, read, or -heard the Original; if they had, indeed, they would have -been still more culpable. Few will trouble themselves to -examine the precise Extent of my Claims; nor, if they did, -would they have an Opportunity ’till M. _de Beaumarchais_ -shall think proper to publish LA FOLLE JOURNÉE. The Public -in general are so willing to overlook Defects, and applaud -wherever they can, that to complain of, or be angry at -the Few who seek for, and wish to find, Errors only, can -proceed alone from that Self-love which is so inherent and -irritable in all bosoms, and so difficult to subdue. - -To enumerate all the Obstacles encountered and overcome -in bringing this Comedy on the English Stage, would be -to indulge this Vanity; which it is every wise Man’s -Pride, and every prudent Man’s Interest to resist. It may, -however, afford some Pleasure to be informed, that, finding -it impossible to procure a Copy of the original French, -though a Journey to Paris was undertaken expressly for that -Purpose, the Copy made use of in the composing _The Follies -of a Day_, was taken by Memory, only, during eight or nine -Representations; that I furnished the Plot, Incidents, -Entrances, and Exits, and gave some other occasional Hints; -that the remainder was the Work of a young Frenchman, whose -Talents and whose Heart are an Ornament and an Honour to -his Country; and that, after it was brought to _England_ -and received by Mr. _Harris_, it was translated, cast, -copied, recopied, studied, and, in one of its longest -Parts, re-studied, and played in little more than a Month. -The Attention and Care of Mr. _Harris_, and the Merits -of the respective Performers in playing, as they did, -under such Circumstances, need not my Encomiums. Had the -Town known the peculiar Exertions, of those especially -who performed the longest and most essential Parts, the -applause would have been endless. From me they are justly -entitled to my warmest and sincerest Thanks. - - UPPER MARY-LE-BONE STREET, - FEB. 21, 1785. - - - - - PROLOGUE, - - Spoken by Mr. DAVIES. - - - To-night, a Child of Chance is hither brought, - Who could be neither _borrow’d_, _begg’d_, nor _bought_; - Nay, so alert was said to be the Droll, - ’Twas well affirm’d he was not to be _stole_; - But hence dispatch’d, back’d by Apollo’s warrant, - A messenger has _kidnapp’d_ this Wag-errant; - Poetic Fugitive, has hither dragg’d him, - And, safely here arriv’d, has now ungagg’d him, - To plead before this Court, his whole amenance; - Where, should you sentence him to public Penance, - Oh, sad reverse! how would he foam and fret, - And sigh for Paris and his sweet _Soubrette_! - Where twice ten thousand tongues are proud to greet him, - And wing’d Applause, on tip-toe, stands to meet him; - Where the grim Guard, in nightly rapture, stands, - And grounds his musquet to get at his hands; - Where the retentive Pitt, all prone t’adore him, - Repeat his _Bon mots_ half a bar before him; - While every _Bel-Esprit_, at every hit, - Grows fifty-fold more conscious of his Wit. - - If _far fetch’d and dear bought_ give Trifles worth, - Sure you’ll applaud our FIGARO’s second birth. - Nought of his present merit must we say; - Bear but in mind, OUR Day’s a SPANISH Day. - Cupid, in warmer Climes, urg’d by the Grape, - Calls not each petty violence a Rape! - But oft his Votaries leaves intoxicate, - Hence FIGARO himself is illegitimate. - - Sanction’d by you, howe’er, this little Blot, - So much in fashion, will be soon forgot; - That Signature which each kind hand bestows, - Shall make him well receiv’d where’er he goes! - - - - - DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. - - - Count Almaviva, Mr. LEWIS. - Don Guzman, Mr. QUICK. - Doctor Bartholo, Mr. WILSON. - Figaro, Mr. BONNOR. - Antonio, Mr. EDWIN. - Basil, Mr. WEWITZER. - Doublefee, Mr. THOMPSON. - Bounce, Mr. STEVENS. - Courier, Mr. JONES. - Crier of the Court, Mr. BATES. - Servant, Mr. NEWTON. - Page, Mrs. MARTYR. - - Countess, Mrs. BATES. - Marcelina, Mrs. WEBB. - Agnes, Miss WEWITZER. - Susan, Miss YOUNGE. - - - Counsellors, Guards, Vassals. - - -☞ _The Passages put between inverted Commas are omitted in -the Representation._ - - - - -THE - -FOLLIES OF A DAY. - - - - -ACT I. - - -SCENE, the Castle of Count ALMAVIVA. - -FIGARO _and_ SUSAN. - - (_Figaro measuring the chamber with a wand._) - - -_Figaro._ Eighteen feet by twenty-six, good. - -_Susan._ What art thou so busy about? - -_Figaro._ Measuring, to try if the bed our noble Lord -intends to give us will stand well here. - -_Susan._ In this chamber! - -_Figaro._ Yes. - -_Susan._ I won’t lie in this chamber. - -_Figaro._ Why so? - -_Susan._ I tell you I won’t lie in this chamber. - -_Figaro._ Well but---- - -_Susan._ I don’t like it. - -_Figaro._ Your reason. - -_Susan._ What if I have no reason?--What if I don’t chuse -to give my reason? - -{{_Figaro._ “Ah, ah!--Thus it is when once they think they -have us fast. - -_Susan._ “Are you, or are you not my most obedient very -humble servant? - -_Figaro._ “Your slave----(_Bows very low._) - -_Susan._ “Oh! - -_Figaro._ “But wherefore take exception to the most -convenient room in the whole house? - -_Susan._ “Yes, yes!--The most convenient!--(_Satirically._) - -_Figaro._ “If during the night my Lady should be taken ill, -she rings her bell, and crack!--in two steps--thou art -standing at her side.--In the morning when my Lord wakes, -he calls, I start, and pop--three skips and I am there. - -_Susan._ “Very true--And in the morning when my Lord has -sent thee on some fine errand of an hour long, he starts -from his bed as soon as Mr. Figaro’s back is turn’d, and -crack!--in three skips--he--(_significantly._) - -_Figaro._ “He? - -_Susan._ “Yes--he---- - -_Figaro._ “(_Keeps rubbing his forehead and looking at -Susan._) He! - -_Susan._ “He!----Dost thou feel any thing? - -_Figaro._ “(_Presses his finger and thumb against his -forehead_) Buttons!--In pairs!----Mushrooms sprout not so -suddenly--Yes, yes--it’s a fruitful spot.”}} - -_Susan._ Thou knowest how our _generous_ Count when he by -thy help obtained Rosina’s hand, and made her Countess of -Almaviva, during the first transports of love abolished a -certain gothic right---- - -_Figaro._ Of sleeping the first night with every Bride. - -_Susan._ Which as Lord of the Manor he could claim. - -_Figaro._ Know it!--To be sure I do, or I would not have -married even my charming Susan in his Domain. - -_Susan._ Tired of prowling among the rustic beauties of the -neighbourhood he returned to the Castle-- - -_Figaro._ And his wife. - -_Susan._ And _thy_ wife--(_Figaro stares_)--Dost thou -understand me? - -_Figaro._ Perfectly! - -_Susan._ And endeavours, once more, secretly to purchase -from her, a right which he now most sincerely repents he -ever parted with. - -_Figaro._ Most gracious Penitent! - -_Susan._ This is what he hints to me every instant, and -this the faithful Basil, honest agent of his pleasures, -and my most noble music master, every day repeats with my -lesson. - -_Figaro._ Basil! - -_Susan._ Basil. - -_Figaro._ Indeed! But if tough ashen plant or supple-jack -twine not round thy lazy sides, Rascal-- - -_Susan._ Ha, ha, ha! Why wert thou ever wise enough to -imagine the portion the Count intends to give us was meant -as a reward for thy services? - -_Figaro._ I think I had some reason to hope as much. - -_Susan._ Lord, lord! What great fools are you men of wit! - -_Figaro._ I believe so. - -_Susan._ I am sure so. - -_Figaro._ Oh that it were possible to deceive this arch -Deceiver, this Lord of mine! To lead him into some -excellent snare, pocket his gold and-- - -_Susan._ Hah! Now thou art in thy element--Gold and -intrigue--Plots and purses--But let him that diggeth a pit -beware he-- - -_Figaro._ I’ll try--{{“The Lover’s jealousy and the -Husband’s shame shall not deter me”}}--Your trick, most -noble Count, is common place--A thousand blundering -Boobies have had art enough to filch a Wife from the side -of her sleeping, simple, unsuspecting Spouse, and if he -complained, to redress his injuries with a cudgel--But -to turn the tables on this Poacher, make him pay for a -delicious morsel he shall never taste, infect him with -fears for his own honor, to-- - -_Susan._ (_The bell rings_) Hark! My Lady is awake--I must -run, for she has several times strictly charged me to be -the first at her bedside the morning of my marriage. - -_Figaro._ Why the first? - -_Susan._ The old saying tells us, that to meet a young -Bride the first on the morning of her wedding-day is lucky -to a neglected wife. (_Going._) - -_Figaro._ Prithee, my Susan, give me a kiss before thou -goest--It will quicken my wits, and lend imagination a new -impulse. - -_Susan._ To be sure!--But if I kiss my Lover to-day what -will my Husband say to me to-morrow? (_seems to refuse, -Figaro kisses her_). Pshaw Figaro! when wilt thou cease to -trifle thus from morning till night (_playfully_). - -_Figaro._ When I may trifle from night to morning (_in the -same tone_). - -_Susan._ There, there--There’s all the kisses I shall give. - - (_Kisses her hand at him and runs, he pursues - to the side._) - -_Figaro._ Stop, stop, you cheating little knave; that was -not the way you received them. (_Returns_) A sweet Girl! -An Angel! Such wit! Such grace! and so much prudence and -modesty too!--I am a happy fellow!--So Mr. Basil! Is it -me, Rascal, you mean to practice the tricks of your trade -upon?--I’ll teach you to put your spoon in my milk--But -hold--Dissemble is the word--Feign we ignorance and -endeavour to catch them in their own traps--I wondered why -the Count, who had made me Steward and Inspector-general -of the Castle, should change his mind so suddenly, and -want to take me with him on his embassy to Paris, there -to institute me his Messenger in ordinary--A cunning -contrivance that--He, Plenipotentiary in chief, I, a -break-neck Politician, and Susan, Lady of the back-stairs, -Ambassadress of the bed-chamber--I dashing through thick -and thin and wearing myself to a skeleton, for the good of -my most gracious Lord’s family, and he labouring, night -and day, for the increase of mine--Really, most honorable -Count, you are too kind--What to represent his Majesty -and me both at once--It’s too much, too much by half----A -moment’s reflection friend Figaro on the events of the -day--First, thou must promote the Sports and Feasting -already projected, that appearances may not cool, but that -thy Marriage may proceed with greater certainty; next, keep -off one madam Marcelina, whose liquorish mouth waters at -thee, and to whom thou hast given a Promise of Marriage, -in default of the repayment of certain borrowed Sums which -it would be very convenient to thy affairs never more to -mention--Talk of the Devil and---- - - - _Enter Doctor_ BARTHOLO _and_ MARCELINA. - -_Marcelina._ Good-morrow to Mr. Bridegroom. - -_Figaro._ Good-morrow to madam Marcelina--What! My old fat -friend the Doctor! Are you there? - -_Doctor._ Yes, Knave’s face. - -_Figaro._ As witty, I perceive, and no doubt as wise as -ever--And have you been complaisant enough to come thus far -to see me married? - -_Doctor._ To see thee hang’d. - -_Figaro._ Most kind Doctor--But who takes care of your -Mule? I know you have as much mercy on your Beast as you -have on your Patient. - -_Doctor._ Do you hear him? - -_Figaro._ And you, gentle Marcelina, do you still wish to -marry me--What, because I cannot fall in love with you, -would you drive me to hate you? - - [_Exit Figaro._ - -_Doctor._ The Rascal will never mend. - -_Marcelina._ ’Tis you, Doctor, will never mend--{{“You are -so eternally wise, dull and slow, that when a Patient has -need of your assistance he may die before you get to him, -like as formerly your Mistress got married in spite of your -precautions.”}} - -_Doctor._ Was it to entertain me thus agreeably that you -sent for me in such haste from Seville? - -_Marcelina._ Not entirely for that. - -_Doctor._ What then--Is any body ill? Is the Count -indisposed? - -_Marcelina._ No, it is the Countess who is indisposed. - -_Doctor._ What the artful, the deceitful Rosina? What’s her -disorder? - -_Marcelina._ A faithless Husband. - -_Doctor._ A very common complaint indeed. - -_Marcelina._ The Count forsakes her, and falls in love with -every fresh face. - -_Doctor._ I am glad of it--I am glad of it--I foresaw it--I -thought Count Almaviva would revenge the wrongs of Doctor -Bartholo. - -_Marcelina._ After toying with a thousand neighbouring -Beauties, he now returns to the castle to terminate the -marriage of Susan and Figaro. - -_Doctor._ Which he himself has made necessary. - -_Marcelina_. Oh no--But at which he wishes to act rather as -a Principal than an Agent. - -_Doctor._ In private with the Bride. - -_Marcelina._ Even so. - -_Doctor._ She I suppose has no great objection. - -_Marcelina._ Charitable Doctor--Basil, however, her music -master, who takes great pains to instruct her, says to the -contrary. - -_Doctor._ Basil! What is that other Rascal here too?--Why -the house is a den of Thieves--What does he do here? - -_Marcelina._ All the mischief he can--He persecutes me with -his odious love unceasingly; I cannot get rid of him. - -_Doctor._ Marry him--I’ll answer for his cure. - -_Marcelina._ That’s what he wants--But pray Doctor, why -will not you get rid of me by the same means? The claims of -Justice and oaths out of number should-- - -_Doctor._ So so so so--What is the matrimonial furor come -upon you again? - -_Marcelina._ Our long lost son, Fernando! the dear pledge -of my virgin love! were he but found, perhaps-- - -_Doctor._ And so you sent for me to hear this stale -rhodomontade? - -{{_Marcelina._ “And are you, now you have lost your Rosina, -as inflexible and unjust as ever?”}} - -_Doctor._ Pshaw! - -_Marcelina._ Well--Since you are determined never to marry -me yourself, will you have the complaisance to aid me in -marrying another? - -_Doctor._ With all my heart!--With all my heart!-- - -_Marcelina._ Ah! (_curtsies_). - -_Doctor._ But who?--What miserable Mortal, abandoned of -Heaven and Women-- - -_Marcelina._ Who but the amiable, the gay, the ever -sprightly Figaro? - -_Doctor._ Figaro! That Rascal! - -_Marcelina._ Youthful and generous! - -_Doctor._ As a Highwayman. - -_Marcelina._ As a Nobleman-- - -_Doctor._ Pshaw, impossible! what on the very day he is -going to marry another? - -{{_Marcelina._ “Things more improbable have come to pass. - -_Doctor._ “But your motive? - -_Marcelina._ “For you, Doctor, I have no secrets. - -_Doctor._ “Women seldom have for Doctors. - -_Marcelina._ “I own our sex, though timid, is ardent in the -pursuit of pleasure. There is, in all our bosoms, a small -still voice which unceasing cries--Woman, be as beautiful -as thou canst, as virtuous as thou wilt, but, at all -events, be conspicuous, be talk’d about; for thy Wisdom, if -thou hast it--if not for thy Folly. - -_Doctor._ “She utters Oracles--Well, well, accomplish this, -and I will engage you shall be talk’d about.”}} - -_Marcelina._ We must endeavour to work upon Susan by fear -and shame, for the more obstinately she refuses the amorous -offers of the Count, the more effectually she will serve -our purpose; disappointment and revenge will lead him to -support my cause, and as he is sovereign Judge in his own -Lordship, his power may make Figaro’s promise of marriage -to me valid. - -_Doctor._ Promise--Has he given you any such promise? - -_Marcelina._ A written one--You shall see it. - -_Doctor._ By Galen, this is excellent! The rascal shall -marry my old House-keeper, and I shall be revenged for the -tricks he lately played me, and the hundred pistoles he -contrived to cheat me of. - -_Marcelina._ (_transported_) Yes, yes, Doctor! I shall have -him! He shall marry me! He shall marry me! - - - _Enter_ SUSAN, _with a gown on her arm, and a cap and - riband of the Countess, in her hand_. - -_Susan._ Marry you! Who is to marry you? Not my Figaro, I -assure you, madam. - -_Marcelina._ Why not me, as soon as you, madam? - -_Susan._ Indeed! your most obedient, madam. - -_Doctor._ (_aside_) So now for a merry scolding match.--We -were saying, handsome Susan, how happy Figaro must be in -such a Bride-- - - (_Susan curtsies to the Doctor._) - -_Marcelina._ Not to mention the secret satisfaction of my -Lord the Count. - -_Susan._ Dear madam, you are so abundantly kind. - -_Marcelina._ Not so abundant in kindness, as a liberal -young Lord--But I own it is very natural, he should partake -the pleasures he so freely bestows upon his Vassals. - -_Susan._ (_half angry_) Partake--Happily madam, your Envy -is as obvious, and your Slander as false, as your Claims on -Figaro are weak and ill founded. - -{{_Marcelina._ “If they are weak, it is because I wanted -the art to strengthen them, after the manner of madam. - -_Susan._ “Yet madam has ever been reckoned a mistress of -her art. - -_Marcelina._ “I hope, madam, I shall always have your good -word, _madam_. (_Curtsies._) - -_Susan._ “Oh, I can assure you, madam, you have nothing to -regret on that score, _madam_.” (_Curtsies mockingly._)}} - -_Marcelina._ The young Lady is really a very pretty kind of -Person--(_with a contemptuous side glance._) - -_Susan._ Oh yes (_mimicking_) The young Lady is at least as -pretty as the old Lady. - -{{_Marcelina._ “And very respectable. - -Susan. “Respectable! Oh no, that is the characteristic of -a Duenna. - -_Marcelina._ “A Duenna! A Duenna! - -_Doctor._ (_coming between them_) “Come, come-- - -_Marcelina._ “I--I--You--your very humble servant, _madam_. - -_Susan._ “Your most devoted, _madam_.”}} - -_Marcelina._ Farewell, _madam_. - - (_Exeunt Doctor and Marcelina._) - -_Susan._ Adieu, _madam_--this old Sibyl, because she -formerly tormented the infancy of my Lady, thinks she has -a right to domineer over every person in the Castle--I -declare I have forgot what I came for. - - (_Susan bangs the gown on a great arm chair - that stands in the room, and keeps the cap and - riband of the Countess in her hand._) - - - _Enter_ HANNIBAL _the Page, running_. - -_Susan._ So, Youth! What do you do here? - -_Page._ Good morrow, Susan--I have been watching these two -hours to find you alone. - -_Susan._ Well, what have you to say, now you have found me? - -_Page._ (_Childishly amorous_) How does your beauteous Lady -do, Susan? - -_Susan._ Very well. - -_Page._ (_Poutingly_) Do you know, Susan, my Lord is going -to send me back to my Pappa and Mamma? - -_Susan._ Poor Child! - -_Page._ Child indeed!--Umph!--And if my charming -God-mother, your dear Lady, cannot obtain my pardon, I -shall soon be deprived of the pleasure of your company, -Susan. - -_Susan._ Upon my word!--He is toying all day long with -Agnes, and is, moreover, in love with my Lady, and then -comes to tell me he shall be deprived of my company. -(_Aside._) - -_Page._ Agnes is good natured enough to listen to me, and -that is more than you are, Susan, for all I love you so. - -_Susan._ Love me!--Why you amorous little villain, you are -in love with every Woman you meet. - -_Page._ So I am, Susan, and I can’t help it--If no-body is -by, I swear it to the trees, the waters, and the winds, -nay, to myself--Yesterday I happened to meet Marcelina-- - -_Susan._ Marcelina! Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! - -_Page._ Why, she is a Woman, Susan. - -_Susan._ Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! - -_Page._ And what’s more, unmarried? Oh how sweet are the -words Woman, Maiden, and Love, in my ear! - -_Susan._ Ha! ha! ha!--He’s bewitch’d!--And what is the -Count going to send you from the Castle for? - -_Page._ Last night, you must know, he caught me in the -chamber with Agnes; begone, said he, thou little-- - -_Susan._ Little what? - -_Page._ Lord, he called me such a name, I can’t for shame -repeat it before a woman. - -_Susan._ And what were you doing in the chamber of Agnes? - -_Page._ Teaching her her part. - -_Susan._ Her part? - -_Page._ Yes, the love scene, you know, she is to play in -the Comedy this evening. - -_Susan._ Which my Lord would chuse to teach her himself. -(_aside._) - -_Page._ Agnes is very kind, Susan. - -_Susan._ Well, well, I’ll tell the Countess what you -say--But you are a little more circumspect in her presence. - -_Page._ Ah Susan, she is a Divinity! How noble is her -manner! Her very smiles are awful! - -_Susan._ That is to say, you can take what liberties you -please with such people as me. - -_Page._ Oh how do I envy thy happiness, Susan! Always near -her! Dressing her every morning! Undressing her every -evening! Putting her to bed! Touching her! Looking at her! -Speaking to--What is it thou hast got there, Susan? - -_Susan._ (_Counterfeiting the amorous air, and animated -tone of the Page._) It is the fortunate riband of the happy -cap, which at night enfolds the auburn ringlets of the -beauteous Countess. - -_Page._ Give it me--Nay, give it me--I will have it. - -_Susan._ But I say you shan’t (_the Page snatches it, and -runs round the great chair, dodging Susan_) Oh my riband! - -_Page._ Be as angry as thou wilt, but thou shalt _never_ -have it again, thou shouldst have one of my eyes rather. - -_Susan._ I can venture to predict, young gentleman, that -three or four years hence, thou wilt be one of the most -deceitful veriest Knaves-- - -_Page._ If thou dost not hold thy tongue, Susan, I’ll kiss -thee into the bargain. - -_Susan._ Kiss me!--Do not come near me, if thou lov’st -thy ears--I say, beg my Lord to forgive you, indeed! No I -assure you--{{“I shall say to him, you do very right, my -Lord, to send this little Rascal packing, who is not only -in love with my Lady, but wants to kiss other folks into -the bargain.” - -_Page._ “How can I help it, Susan”?}} Here, take this paper. - -_Susan._ For what? - -_Page._ It contains a Song I have written on thy beauteous -Lady, my charming God-mother. - -_Count._ (_without_) Jaquez. - -_Page._ Ah! I’m undone!--’Tis my Lord! - - (_The Page crouches down, and hides himself - behind Susan’s petticoats and the great chair._) - - - _Enter_ Count ALMAVIVA. - -(_Page remains hid behind the great chair._) - -_Count._ So, charming Susan, have I found thee at last? But -thou seemest frightened my little Beauty. - -_Susan._ Consider, my Lord, if any body should come and -catch you here-- - -_Count._ That would be rather mal-a-propos; but there’s no -great danger. - - (_The Count offers to kiss Susan._) - -_Susan._ Fie, my Lord! - - (_The Count seats himself in the great chair, - and endeavours to pull Susan on his knee, who - resists._) - -_Count._ Thou knowest, my charming Susan, the King has -done me the honour to appoint me Ambassador to the court -of Paris. I shall take Figaro with me, and give him a -very--_excellent_ post; and as it is the duty of a Wife to -follow her Husband, we shall then have every opportunity we -could wish. - -_Susan._ I really don’t understand you, my Lord. I thought -your affection for my Lady, whom you took so much pains to -steal from her old Guardian, Dr. Bartholo, and for love of -whom you generously abolished a certain vile privilege.-- - -_Count._ For which all the young girls are very sorry; are -they not? - -_Susan._ No indeed, my Lord--I thought, my Lord, I say-- - -_Count._ Prithee say no more, my sweet Susan, but promise -thou wilt meet me this evening, at twilight, by the -Pavilion in the garden; and be certain, that if thou wilt -but grant me this small favour, nothing thou canst ask -shall-- - -_Basil._ (_without._) He is not in his own room. - -_Count._ Heavens! Here’s somebody coming! Where can I hide! -Is there no place here? - - (_The Count runs to get behind the great chair, - Susan keeps between him and the Page, who - steals away as the Count advances, leaps into - the great chair, with his legs doubled under - him, and is covered over with the Countess’s - gown, by Susan._) - - - _Enter_ BASIL. - -_Basil._ Ah, Susan, Good morrow--Is my lord the Count here? - -_Susan._ Here! What should he be here for? - -_Basil._ Nay, there would be no miracle in it if he were: -would there, hey gentle Susan? (_Smiles and leers at her._) - -_Susan._ It would be a greater miracle to see you honest. - -_Basil._ Figaro is in search of him. - -_Susan._ Then he is in search of the man who wishes most to -injure him--yourself excepted. - -_Basil._ It is strange, that a man should injure the -Husband by obliging the Wife. - - (_The Count peeps from behind the great chair._) - -_Count._ I shall hear, now, how well he pleads my cause. - -_Basil._ For my part, Marriage being, of all serious -things, the greatest Farce, I imagined-- - -_Susan._ All manner of wickedness. - -_Basil._ That though you are obliged to fast to-day, you -might be glad to feed to-morrow, grace being first duly -said. - -_Susan._ Be gone, and do not shock my ears with your vile -principles. - -_Basil._ Yes, my pretty Susan, but you must not suppose -I am the dupe of these fine appearances. I know it isn’t -Figaro who is the great obstacle to my Lord’s happiness, -but a certain beardless Page, whom I surprised here, this -morning, looking for you as I entered. - -_Susan._ I wish you would be gone, you wicked--Devil. - -_Basil._ Wicked Devil! Ah, one is a wicked Devil for not -shutting one’s eyes. - -_Susan._ I wish you would be gone, I tell you. - -_Basil._ Was it not for you that he wrote the Song, which -he goes chanting up and down the house, at every instant? - -_Susan._ O yes! For me, to be sure! - -_Basil._ At least it was either for you, or your Lady. - -_Susan._ What next? - -_Basil._ Why really, when he sits at table, he does cast -certain very significant glances towards a beauteous -Countess, who shall be nameless--But let him beware! If -my Lord catches him at his tricks, he’ll make him dance -without music. - -_Susan._ Nobody, but such a wicked creature as you, could -ever invent such scandalous tales, to the ruin of a poor -Youth, who has unhappily fallen into his Lord’s disgrace. - -_Basil._ I invent! Why it is in every body’s mouth. - - (_The Count discovers himself, and comes - forward._) - -_Count._ How! In every body’s mouth! - -_Basil._ Zounds. - -_Count._ Run, Basil, let him have fifty pistoles and a -horse given him, and sent back to his friends instantly. - -_Basil._ I’m very sorry, my Lord, I happened to speak-- - -_Susan._ I’m quite suffocated. - - (_Susan seems almost ready to faint, the Count - supports her, and Basil assists._) - -_Count._ Let us seat her in this great chair, Basil. - -_Susan._ (_Frightened, and exclaims_) No!--I won’t sit -down!----(_After a pause_)--This wicked fellow has ruined -the poor boy. - -_Basil._ I assure you, my Lord, what I said, was only meant -to sound Susan. - -_Count._ No matter, he shall depart! A little, wanton, -impudent Rascal, that I meet at every turning--No longer -ago than yesterday I surprised him with the Gardener’s -daughter. - -_Basil._ Agnes? - -_Count._ In her very bed-chamber. - -_Susan._ Where my Lord happened to have business himself. - -_Count._ Hem!--I was going there to seek your uncle -Antonio, Susan, my drunken Gardener; I knock’d at the door, -and waited some time; at last Agnes came, with confusion -in her countenance--I entered, cast a look round, and -perceiving a kind of long Cloak, or Curtain, or some such -thing, approach’d, and without seeming to take the least -notice, drew it gently aside, thus--Hey! - -_Basil._ Zounds! - - (_The Count, during his speech, approaches the - arm chair, and acting his description draws - aside the gown that hides the Page. They all - stand motionless with surprise, for some time._) - -_Count._ Why, this is a better trick than t’other! - -_Basil._ No!--I won’t sit down! (_Mimicking Susan._) - -_Count._ (_To Susan_) And so it was to receive this pretty -Youth, that you were so desirous of being alone--And you, -you little Villain, what you don’t intend to mend your -manners then? But forgetting all respect for your friend -Figaro, and for the Countess your Godmother, likewise, you -are endeavouring here to seduce her favourite woman! I, -however (_turning towards Basil_) shall not suffer Figaro, -a man--whom--I _esteem--sincerely_--to fall the Victim of -such deceit--Did he enter with you, Basil? - -_Basil._ No, my Lord. - -_Susan._ There is neither Victim nor deceit in the case, my -Lord. He was here when you entered. - -_Count._ I hope that’s false: his greatest Enemy could not -wish him so much mischief. - -_Susan._ Knowing that you were angry with him, the poor Boy -came running to me, begging me to solicit my Lady in his -favor, in hopes she might engage you to forgive him; but -was so terrified, as soon as he heard you coming, that he -hid himself in the great Chair. - -_Count._ A likely story--I sat down in it, as soon as I -came in. - -_Page._ Yes, my Lord, but I was then trembling behind it. - -_Count._ That’s false, again, for I hid myself behind it, -when Basil entered. - -_Page._ (_Timidly_) Pardon me, my Lord, but as you -approach’d, I retired, and crouched down as you now see me. - -_Count._ (_Angrily_) It’s a little Serpent that glides -into every crevice--And he has been listening too to our -discourse! - -_Page._ Indeed, my Lord, I did all I could not to hear a -word. - -_Count._ (_To Susan_) There is no Figaro, no Husband for -you, however. - -_Basil._ Somebody is coming; get down. - - - _Enter the_ COUNTESS, FIGARO, AGNES, _and_ VASSALS, _in - their holiday cloaths_. Figaro _carrying the nuptial - cap--The_ Count _runs and plucks the Page from the great - chair, just as they enter_. - -_Count._ What! Would you continue crouching there before -the whole world? - - _(The Count and Countess salute._ - -_Figaro._ We are come, my Lord, to beg a favour, which we -hope, for your Lady’s sake, you will grant. (_Aside to -Susan_) Be sure to second what I say. - -_Susan._ It will end in nothing. (_Aside._ - -_Figaro._ No matter: let us try, at least. (_Aside._ - -_Countess._ You see, my Lord, I am supposed to have a much -greater degree of influence over you than I really possess. - -_Count._ Oh no, my Lady; not an atom, I assure you. - -_Figaro._ (_Presenting the cap to the Count_) Our petition -is, that the Bride may have the honor of receiving from -our worthy Lord’s hand, this Nuptial-Cap; ornamented with -half-blown roses, and white ribbands, Symbols of the purity -of his intentions. - -_Count._ Do they mean to laugh at me? (_Aside._ - -{{_Figaro._ “And as you have been kindly pleased to abolish -that abominable right, which, as Lord of the Manor, you -might have claimed, permit us, your Vassals, to celebrate -your praise, in a rustic Chorus I have prepared for this -occasion. The Virtues of so good a master should not remain -unsung. - -_Count._ “A Lover, a Poet, and a Musician!--These titles, -Figaro, might perhaps merit our indulgence, if”--}} - -_Countess._ Let me beg, my Lord, you will not deny their -request: in the name of that Love you once had for me. - -_Count._ And have still, Madam. - -_Figaro._ Join with me, my friends. - -_Omnes._ My Lord. - -_Susan._ Why should your Lordship refuse Eulogiums which -you merit so well? - -_Count._ Oh the Traitress. (_Aside_) Well, well,--I consent. - -_Figaro._ Look at her, my Lord; never could a more -beauteous Bride better prove the greatness of the sacrifice -you have made. - -_Susan._ Oh do not speak of my Beauty, but of his -Lordship’s Virtues. - -_Count._ My Virtues!--Yes, yes,--I see they understand each -other. (_Aside_) Who can tell me where is Marcelina? - -_Agnes._ I met her, my Lord, just now, in the close walk by -the park wall, along with Doctor Bartholo. She seemed in a -passion, and the Doctor tried to pacify her. I heard her -mention my Cousin Figaro’s name. - -_Count._ (_Aside_) No Cousin yet, my dear; and perhaps -never may be. - -_Agnes._ (_Pointing to the Page_) Have you forgiven what -happened yesterday, my Lord? - -_Count._ (_Afraid lest the Countess should hear, and -chucking Agnes under the chin_) Hush! - -_Figaro._ (_To the Page_) What’s the matter, young Hannibal -the brave? What makes you so silent? - -_Susan._ He is sorrowful because my Lord is going to send -him from the castle. - -_Omnes._ Oh pray, my Lord! - -_Countess._ Let me beg you will forgive him. - -_Count._ He does not deserve to be forgiven. - -_Countess._ Consider, he is so young. - -_Count._ (_Half aside_) Not so young, perhaps, as you -suppose. - -_Page._ My Lord certainly has not ceded away the right to -pardon. - -_Susan._ And if he had, that would certainly be the first -he would _secretly_ endeavour to reclaim. (_Looking -significantly at the Count and Figaro, by turns._) - -_Count._ (_Understanding her_) No doubt: no doubt. - -_Page._ My conduct, my Lord, may have been indiscreet, but -I can assure your Lordship, that never the least word shall -pass my lips---- - -_Count._ (_Interrupting him_) Enough, enough--Since every -body begs for him, I must grant--I shall moreover give him -a Company in my Regiment. - -_Omnes._ Thanks noble Count. - -_Count._ But on condition that he depart immediately for -Catalonia to join the Corps. - -_Omnes._ Oh my Lord? - -_Figaro._ To-morrow my Lord. - -_Count._ To day! It shall be so. (_To the Page_) Take leave -of your Godmother, and beg her protection. - - (_The Page kneels to the Countess with a - sorrowful air. As he approaches to kneel, he - goes very slowly and Figaro gently pushes him - forward._) - -_Fig._ Go, go, Child; go. - -_Countess._ (_With great emotion_) Since--it is not -possible--to obtain leave--for you to remain here to-day, -depart, young man, and follow the noble career which lies -before you--Forget not those with whom you have spent some -of the first years of your life, and among whom you have -friends who wish you every success--Go where Fortune and -Glory call--Be obedient, polite, and brave, and be certain -we shall take part in your Prosperity. (_Raises him._ - -_Count._ You seem agitated Madam. - -_Countess._ How can I help it, recollecting the perils to -which his youth must be exposed? He has been bred in the -same house with me, is of the same kindred, and is likewise -my Godson. - -_Count._ (_Aside_) Basil I see was in the right.---- -(_Turns to the Page_) Go, kiss Susan for the last time. - - (_The Page and Susan approach, Figaro steps - between them and intercepts the Page._) - -_Fig._ Oh! There’s no occasion for kissing, my Lord: he’ll -return in the winter, and in the mean time he may kiss -me.--The scene must now be changed my delicate Youth: you -must not run up stairs and down, into the Women’s Chambers, -play at Hunt-the-slipper, steal Cream, suck Oranges, and -live upon Sweetmeats. Instead of that, Zounds! You must -look bluff! Tan your face! Handle your musket! Turn to the -right! Wheel to the left! And march to Glory.--At least if -you are not stopt short by a Bullet. - -_Susan._ Fie, Figaro. - -_Countess._ (_Terrified._) What a Prophecy! - -_Fig._ Were I a Soldier I would make some of them -scamper--But, come, come, my friends; let us prepare our -feast against the evening. Marcelina I hear intends to -disturb our Diversions. - -_Count._ That she will I can assure you. (_Aside_) I must -go and send for her. (_going._) - -_Countess._ You will not leave us, my Lord? - -_Count._ I am undrest, you see. - -_Countess._ We shall see nobody but our own servants. - -_Count._ I must do what you please. Wait for me in the -study, Basil. - - (_Exeunt Count, Countess, and Vassals._ - - _Manent Figaro, Basil and Page._ - -_Fig._ (_Retains the Page_) Come, come; let us study our -parts well for the Play in the evening: and do not let us -resemble those Actors who never play so ill as on the first -night of a Piece; when Criticism is most watchful to detect -Errors, and when they ought to play the best--{{“_We_ shall -not have an opportunity of playing better to-morrow.”}} - -_Basil._ My part is more difficult than you imagine. - -_Figaro._ And you may be rewarded for it, in a manner you -little expect. [_Aside._ - -_Page._ You forget, Figaro, that I am going. - -_Figaro._ And you wish to stay? (_In the same sorrowful -tone._) - -_Page._ (_Sighs._) Ah yes. - -_Figaro._ Follow my advice, and so thou shalt. - -_Page._ How, how? - -_Figaro._ Make no murmuring, but clap on your boots, and -seem to depart; gallop as far as the Farm, return to the -Castle on foot, enter by the back way, and hide yourself -till I can come to you. - -_Page._ And who shall teach Agnes her part, then? - -_Figaro._ Oh oh! - -_Basil._ Why, what the devil have you been about, young -Gentleman, for these eight days past, during which you -have hardly ever left her? Take care, Hannibal, take care, -or your Scholar will give her Tutor a bad character.--Ah -Hannibal! Hannibal! The Pitcher that goes often to the -Well-- - -_Figaro._ Listen to the Pedant and his Proverb.--Well, and -what says the wisdom of Nations--_The pitcher that goes -often to the well_-- - -_Basil._ Stands a chance, sometime, to return full. - -_Figaro._ Not so foolish as I thought. - - -End of ACT I. - - - - -ACT II. - - -SCENE, the COUNTESS’s Bed-Chamber. - - (_A state-bed in the back ground under an Alcove: - three doors; one the entrance into the room, another - into Susan’s room, and the third to the Countess’s - dressing-room; a large window that opens to the street._) - -_The_ COUNTESS _seated_, SUSAN _waiting_. - -_Countess._ Shut the door--And so the Page was hid behind -the great chair? - -_Susan._ Yes, Madam. - -_Countess._ But how did he happen to be in your room, Susan? - -_Susan._ The poor Boy came to beg I would prevail on you to -obtain his pardon of my Lord the Count. - -_Countess._ But why did not he come to me himself? I should -not have refused him a favor of that kind. - -_Susan._ Bashfulness, Madam. _Ah Susan!_ said he, _she is -a Divinity! How noble is her Manner! Her very smiles are -awful._ - -_Countess._ (_Smiling_) Is that true, Susan? - -_Susan._ Can you doubt it, Madam? - -_Countess._ I have always afforded him my protection. - -_Susan._ Had you, Madam, but seen him snatch the ribband -from me! - -_Countess._ (_Rising_) Pshaw! Enough of this nonsense--And -so my Lord the Count endeavours to seduce you, Susan? - -_Susan._ Oh, no indeed, Madam, he does not give himself -the trouble to seduce; he endeavours to purchase me: and -because I refuse him will certainly prevent my marriage -with Figaro, and support the pretensions of Marcelina. - -_Countess._ Fear nothing--We shall have need, however, of a -little artifice perhaps; in the execution of which Figaro’s -assistance may not be amiss. - -_Susan._ He will be here, Madam, as soon as my Lord is gone -a coursing. - -_Countess._ Your Lord is an ungrateful man, Susan!--An -ungrateful man! (_The Countess walks up and down the room -with some emotion_) Open the window; I am stifled for -want of air--Vows, protestations and tenderness are all -forgotten--My Love offends, my Caresses disgust--He thinks -his own Infidelities must all be overlook’d, yet my Conduct -must be irreproachable. - -_Susan_ (_At the window looking into the street_). Yonder -goes my Lord with all his Grooms and Greyhounds. - -_Countess._ To _divert_ himself with hunting a poor timid -harmless Hare to death--This, however, will give us -time--Somebody knocks, Susan. - -{{_Susan._ “For Figaro’s the lad, is the lad for me.”}} - - (_Goes singing to the Door._) - - - _Enter_ FIGARO. - - (_He kisses Susan’s hand, she makes signs to - him to be more prudent, and points to the - Countess._) - -_Countess._ Well, Figaro, you have heard of my Lord the -Count’s designs on your young Bride. - -_Figaro._ Oh yes, my Lady. There was nothing very -surprising in the news. My Lord sees a sweet, young, -lovely--Angel! (_Susan curtsies_) and wishes to have her -for himself. Can any thing be more natural? I wish the very -same-- - -_Countess._ I don’t find it so very pleasant, Figaro. - -_Figaro._ He endeavours to overturn the schemes of those -who oppose his wishes; and in this he only follows the -example of the rest of the world. I endeavour to do the -very same. - -_Susan._ But with less probability of success, Figaro. - -_Figaro._ Follow my advice, and I’ll convince you of your -mistake. - -_Countess._ Let me hear. - -_Figaro._ You, my lovely Susan, must appoint the Count to -meet him, as he proposed, this evening, by the Pavilion in -the Garden. - -_Countess._ How! Figaro! Can you consent? - -_Figaro._ And why not, Madam? - -_Susan._ But if you can, sir, do you think I-- - -_Figaro._ Nay, my Charmer, do not imagine I would wish thee -to grant him any thing thou wishest to refuse--But first we -must dress up the Page in your cloaths, my dear Susan--, he -is to be your Representative. - -_Countess._ The Page! - -_Susan._ He is gone. - -_Figaro._ Is he?--Perhaps so. But a whistle from me will -bring him back. (_The Countess seems pleased._) - -_Susan._ So! Now Figaro’s happy!--Plots and Contrivances-- - -_Figaro._ Two! Three! Four at a time! Embarrass’d! -Involv’d! Perplex’d!--Leave me to unravel them. I was born -to thrive in Courts. - -_Susan._ I have heard the Trade of a Courtier is not so -difficult as some pretend. - -_Figaro._ Ask for every thing that falls, seize every thing -in your power, and accept every thing that’s offered--There -is the whole art and mystery in three words. - -_Countess._ Well, but the Count, Figaro? - -_Figaro._ Permit me, Madam, to manage him--And first, the -better to secure _my_ property, I shall begin by making him -dread the loss of _his own_.--{{“Oh, what pleasure shall -I have in cutting out Employment for him during the whole -day!--To see him waste that time in jealously-watching -your conduct, Madam, which he meant to employ in amorous -dalliance with my sweet Bride--To behold him running -here and there and he does not know where, and hunting a -monstrous Shadow, which he dreads to find, yet longs to -grasp.”}} - -_Countess._ Surely, Figaro, you are out of your wits. - -_Figaro._ Pardon, my dear Lady, but it is your good Lord -who will soon be out of his wits. - -_Countess._ But as you know him to be so jealous, how will -you dare?-- - -_Figaro._ Oh, Madam! Were he not jealous, my scheme would -not be worth a doit: but it will now serve a double -purpose--The Jewel which Possession has made him neglect, -will again become valuable, if once he can be brought to -dread its loss. - -_Countess._ To confess the truth, Figaro, your project -exactly corresponds with the one I meant to practise--An -anonymous Letter must be sent, informing him, that a -Gallant, meaning to profit by his neglect-- - -_Figaro._ And absence--is at present with his beauteous -Countess----The thing is already done, Madam. - -_Countess._ How!--Have you dared to trifle thus with a -Woman of Honor? - -_Figaro._ Oh, Madam, it is only with a Woman of Honor I -should presume to take a liberty like this; least my Joke -should happen to prove a Reality. - -_Countess_ (_Smiles_). You don’t want an agreeable excuse, -Figaro. - -_Figaro._ The hour of performing the marriage Ceremony will -arrive post haste--he will be disconcerted, and having no -good excuse ready, will never venture in your presence, -Madam, to oppose our union. - -_Susan._ But if he will not, Marcelina will; and thou wilt -be condemned to pay-- - -_Figaro._ Poh! Thou hast forgot the Count is our -Judge!--And, after being entrapp’d at the rendezvous, will -he condemn us, thinkest thou?--But come, come, we must be -quick--I’ll send the Page hither to be dress’d--We must not -lose a moment. - - (_Exit Figaro._ - -_Countess_ (_Examining her head dress in a pocket -looking-glass_). What a hideous cap this is, Susan; its -quite awry--This Youth who is coming-- - -_Susan._ Ah, Madam! Your Beauty needs not the addition of -Art in his eyes. - -_Countess._ And my hair too--I assure you, Susan, I shall -be very severe with him. - -_Susan_ (_Smoothing the Countess’s hair_). Let me spread -this Curl a little, Madam--Oh, pray Madam, make him sing -the song he has written. - - (_Susan throws the song into the Countess’s - lap, which the Page had given her._) - -_Countess._ I shall tell him of all the complaints I hear -against him. - -_Susan._ Oh Yes Madam; I can see you will scold him, -heartily. - -_Countess_ (_Seriously_). What do you say, Susan? - -_Susan_ (_Goes to the door_). Come; come in Mr. Soldier. - - - _Enter_ PAGE. - - (_Susan pretends to threaten him by signs._) - -_Page._ Um--(_Pouts aside._) - -_Countess._ Well, young gentleman, (_With assumed -severity_)--How innocent he looks, Susan! (_Aside to -Susan_). - -_Susan._ And how bashful, Madam! - -_Countess_ (_Resuming her serious air_). Have you reflected -on the duties of your new Profession? - - (_The Page imagines the Countess is angry, and - timidly draws back._) - -Susan (_Aside to the Page_). Ay, ay, young Rake, I’ll tell -all I know.--(_Returns to the Countess_). Observe his -downcast eyes, Madam, and long eye-lashes.--(_Aside to the -Page_) Yes, Hypocrite, I’ll tell. - -_Countess_ (_Seeing the Page more and more fearful_). Nay, -Hannibal--don’t--be terrified--I--Come nearer. - -_Susan_ (_Pushing him towards the Countess_). Advance, -Modesty. - -_Countess._ Poor Youth, he is quite affected--I am not -angry with you; I was only going to speak to you on the -duties of a Soldier--Why do you seem so sorrowful? - -_Page._ Alas, Madam, I may well be sorrowful! Being, as I -am, obliged to leave a Lady so gentle and so kind---- - -_Susan._ And so beautiful--(_In the same tone and half -aside._) - -_Page._ Ah, yes! (_Sighs_). - -_Susan_ (_Mimicking_). Ah, yes!--Come, come, let me try -on one of my Gowns upon you--Come here--Let us measure--I -declare the little Villain is not so tall as I am. - -_Page._ Um--(_Pouts._) - -_Susan._ Turn about--Let me untie your cloak. - - (_Susan takes off the Page’s cloak._) - -_Countess._ But suppose somebody should come? - -_Susan._ Dear, my Lady, we are not doing any harm--I’ll -lock the door, however, for fear--(_The Page casts a glance -or two at the Countess, Susan returns_) Well! Have you -nothing to say to my beauteous Lady, and your charming -God-mother? - -_Page_ (_Sighs_). Oh, yes! That I am sure I shall love her -as long as I live! - -_Countess._ Esteem, you mean, Hannibal. - -_Page._ Ye--ye--yes--Es--teem! I should have said. - -_Susan_ (_Laughs_). Yes, yes, Esteem! The poor Youth -overflows with Es--teem and Aff--ection--and-- - -_Page._ Um! (_Aside to Susan_). - -_Susan._ Nia, nia, nia, (_Mocking the Page_).--Dear Madam, -do make him sing those good-for-nothing Verses. - -_Countess._ (_Takes the verses Susan gave her, from her -pocket_) Pray who wrote them? - -_Susan_ (_Pointing to the Page_). Look, Madam, look! His -sins rise in his face--Nobody but an Author could look so -silly-- - -_Countess._ Come, Hannibal, sing. - -_Susan._ Ah, the bashful Scribbler! - - -SONG. - - To the Winds, to the Waves, to the Woods I complain; - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart! - They hear not my Sighs, and they heed not my Pain; - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart! - - {{“The name of my Goddess I ’grave on each Tree; - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart! - ’Tis I wound the bark, but Love’s arrows wound me: - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart! - - The Heav’ns I view with their azure bright skies; - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart! - But Heaven to me are her still brighter eyes: - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!”}} - - To the Sun’s morning splendor the poor Indian bows; - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart! - But I dare not worship where I pay my Vows: - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart! - - {{“His God each morn rises and he can adore; - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart! - But my Goddess to me must soon never rise more: - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!”}} - - (_During the song the Countess is evidently - affected by the Passion with which the Page - sings._ - -_Susan._ Now let us try whether one of my Caps-- - -_Countess._ There is one of mine lies on my dressing-table. -(_Exit Susan to the dressing room of the Countess._)--Is -your Commission made out? - -_Page._ Oh yes, Madam, and given me; Here it is. - - (_Presents his commission to the Countess._) - -_Countess._ Already? They have made haste I see! They are -not willing to lose a moment--Their hurry has made them -even forget to affix the Seal. - -_Susan._ (_Returns_) The Seal! To what, Madam? - -_Countess._ His Commission. - -_Susan._ So soon! - -_Countess._ I was observing, there has been no time lost. - - (_Returns the Page his Commission; he sticks it - in his girdle._) - -_Susan._ Come--(_Makes the Page kneel down, and puts him -on the cap_) What a pretty little Villain it is! I declare -I am jealous: see if he is not handsomer than I am! Turn -about--There--What’s here?--The riband!--So, so, so! Now -all is out! I’m glad of it--I told my young Gentleman I -would let you know his thievish tricks, Madam. - -_Countess._ Fetch me some black patches Susan. - - (_Exit Susan to her own chamber._ - - _The Countess and the Page remain mute for a - considerable time during which the Page looks - at the Countess with great passion, though - with the bashful side glances natural to his - character--The Countess pretends not to observe - him, and visibly makes several efforts to - overcome her own feelings._) - -_Countess._ And--and--so--you--you are sorry--to leave us? - -_Page._ Ye--yes--Madam. - -_Countess._ (_Observing the Page’s heart so full that he -is ready to burst into tears_) ’Tis that good-for-nothing -Figaro who has frightened the child with his prognostics. - -_Page._ (_Unable to contain himself any longer_) N-o-o-o -indee-ee-eed, Madam, I-I-am o-on-only-gri-ieved to part -from-so dear a-La-a-ady. - -_Countess._ (_Takes out her handkerchief and wipes his -eyes_) Nay, but don’t weep, don’t weep--Come, come, be -comforted. (_A knocking is heard at the Countess’s chamber -door_) Who’s there? (_In an authoritative tone._) - - _The Count speaks without._ - -_Count._ Open the door, my Lady. - -_Countess._ Heavens! It is the Count!--I am ruined!--If -he finds the Page here after receiving Figaro’s anonymous -Letter I shall be for ever lost!--What imprudence! - -_Count._ (_Without_) Why don’t you open the door? - -_Countess._ Because----I’m alone. - -_Count._ Alone! Who are you talking to then! - -_Countess._ To you, to be sure--How could I be so -thoughtless--This villainous Figaro. - -_Page._ After the scene of the great chair this morning he -will certainly murder me if he finds me here. - -_Countess._ Run into my dressing-room and lock the door on -the inside. (_the Countess opens the door to the Count._) - - - _Enter the_ COUNT. - -_Count._ You did not use to lock yourself in, when you were -alone, Madam! Who were you speaking to? - -_Countess._ (_Endeavouring to conceal her agitation_) -To--To Susan, who is rumaging in her own room. - -_Count._ But you seem agitated, Madam. - -_Countess._ That is not impossible (_affecting to take a -serious air_) We were speaking of you. - -_Count._ Of me! - -_Countess._ Your jealousy, your indifference, my Lord. - -{{_Count._ “I cannot say for indifference, my Lady, and as -for jealousy, you know best whether I have any cause. - -_Countess._ “My Lord! - -_Count._ “In short, my Lady, there are people in the world, -who are malicious enough to wish to disturb either your -repose or mine. I have received private advice that a -certain Thing called a Lover-- - -_Countess._ “Lover! - -_Count._ “Ay, or Gallant, or any other title you like -best, meant to take advantage of my absence, and introduce -himself into the Castle. - -_Countess._ “If there even were any one audacious enough to -make such an attempt, he would find himself disappointed of -meeting me; for I shall not stir out of my room to-day. - -_Count._ “What, not to the Wedding? - -_Countess._ “I am indisposed. - -_Count._ “Its lucky then that the Doctor is here.”}} - - (_The Page oversets a table in the Countess’s - dressing-room._) - -_Countess._ (_Terrified._) What will become of me? -(_Aside._) - -_Count._ What noise is that? - -_Countess._ I heard no noise. - -_Count._ No? You must be most confoundedly absent, then. - -_Countess._ (_Affecting to return his irony_) Oh, to be -sure. - -_Count._ But there is somebody in your dressing-room, Madam. - -_Countess._ Who should there be? - -_Count._ That’s what I want to know. - -_Countess._ It is Susan, I suppose, putting the chairs and -tables to rights. - -_Count._ What! Your favourite woman turned house-maid! You -told me just now she was in her own room. - -_Countess._ In _her_ room, or _my_ room, it is all one. - -_Count._ Really, my Lady, this Susan of yours is a very -nimble, convenient kind of person. - -_Countess._ Really, my Lord, this Susan of mine disturbs -your quiet very much. - -_Count._ Very true, my Lady, so much that I am determined -to see her. - -_Countess._ These suspicions are very much to your credit, -my Lord. - -_Count._ If they are not to your discredit, my Lady, it -is very easy to remove them--But I see you mean to trifle -with me (_he goes to the Countess’s dressing-room door, and -calls_) Susan! Susan! If Susan you are, come forth! - -_Countess._ Very well, my Lord! Very well! Would you have -the girl come out half undressed? She is trying on one of -my left off dresses--To disturb female privacy, in this -manner, my Lord, is certainly very unprecedented. - - (_During the warmth of this dispute, Susan - comes from her own room, perceives what is - passing, and after listening long enough to - know how to act, slips, unseen by both, behind - the curtains of the bed which stands in the - Alcove._) - -_Count._ Well, if she can’t come out, she can answer at -least. (_Calls_) Susan!--Answer me, Susan. - -_Countess._ I say, do not answer, Susan! I forbid you to -speak a word!--We shall see who she’ll obey. - -_Count._ But if you are so innocent, Madam, what is the -reason of that emotion and perplexity so very evident in -your countenance? - -_Countess._ (_Affecting to laugh_) Emotion and perplexity! -Ha! ha! ha! Ridiculous! - -_Count._ Well, Madam, be it as ridiculous as it may, I am -determined to be satisfied, and I think present appearances -give me a sufficient plea. (_Goes to the side of the Scenes -and calls_) Hollo! Who waits there? - -_Countess._ Do, do, my Lord! Expose your jealousy to your -very servants! Make yourself and me the jest of the whole -world. - -_Count._ Why do you oblige me to it?--However, Madam, since -you will not suffer that door to be opened, will you please -to accompany me while I procure an instrument to force it? - -_Countess._ To be sure, my Lord! To be sure! If you please. - -_Count._ And, in order that you may be fully justified, I -will make this other door fast (_Goes to Susan’s chamber -door, locks it, and takes the key._) As to the Susan of the -dressing-room, she must have the complaisance to wait my -return. - -_Countess._ This behaviour is greatly to your honor, my -Lord! (_This speech is heard as they are going through the -door, which the Count locks after him._) - - (Exeunt) - - - _Enter_ SUSAN, _peeping as they go off, then runs to the - dressing-room door and calls_. - -_Susan._ Hannibal!--Hannibal!--Open the door! Quick! -Quick!--It’s I, Susan. - - - _Enter_ PAGE, _frightened_. - -_Page._ Oh Susan! - -_Susan._ Oh my poor Mistress! - -_Page._ What will become of her? - -_Susan._ What will become of my marriage? - -_Page._ What will become of me? - -_Susan._ Don’t stand babbling here, but fly. - -_Page._ The doors are all fast, how can I fly? - -_Susan._ Don’t ask me! Fly! - -_Page._ Here’s a window open (_runs to the window_) -Underneath is a bed of flowers; I’ll leap out. - -_Susan._ (_Screams_) You’ll break your neck! - -_Page._ Better that than ruin my dear Lady--Give me one -kiss Susan. - -_Susan._ Was there ever seen such a young--(_Page kisses -her, runs and leaps out of the window, and Susan shrieks -at seeing him_) Ah! (_Susan sinks into a chair, overcome -with fear--At last she takes courage, rises, goes with -dread towards the window, and after looking out, turns -round with her hand upon her heart, a sigh of relief and -a smile expressive of sudden ease and pleasure._) He -is safe! Yonder he runs!--As light and as swift as the -winds!--If that Boy does not make some woman’s heart ache -I’m mistaken. (_Susan goes towards the dressing-room door, -enters, and peeps out as she is going to shut it._) And -now, my good jealous Count, perhaps, I may teach you to -break open doors another time. (_Locks herself in._) - - - _Enter_ COUNT, _with a wrenching iron in one hand, and - leading in the_ COUNTESS _with the other. Goes and - examines the doors._ - -_Count._ Every thing is as I left it. We now shall come to -an eclaircissement. - -_Countess._ But, my Lord!--He’ll murder him! (_Aside._) - -_Count._ Now we shall know--Do you still persist in forcing -me to break open this door?--I am determined to see who’s -within. - -_Countess._ Let me beg, my Lord, you’ll have a moment’s -patience!--Hear me only and you shall satisfy your utmost -curiosity!--Let me intreat you to be assured, that, however -appearances may condemn me, no injury was intended to your -honour. - -_Count._ Then there is a man? - -_Countess._ No--none of whom you can reasonably entertain -the least suspicion. - -_Count._ How? - -_Countess._ A jest!--A meer innocent, harmless frolic, for -our evening’s diversion! Nothing more, upon my Honor!--On -my soul! - -_Count._ But who--who is it? - -_Countess._ A Child! - -_Count._ Let us see your child!--What child? - -_Countess._ Hannibal. - -_Count._ The Page! (_Turns away_) This damnable Page -again?----Thus then is the Letter!----thus are my -Suspicions realized at last!--I am now no longer -astonished, Madam, at your emotion for your pretty Godson -this morning!--The whole is unravelled!--Come forth, Viper! -(_In great wrath._) - -_Countess._ (_Terrified and trembling_) Do not let the -Disorder in which you will see him---- - -_Count._ The Disorder!--The Disorder! - -_Countess._ We were going to dress him in women’s cloaths -for our evening’s diversion-- - -_Count._ I’ll stab him!--I’ll!--{{“And this is your -indisposition!--This is why you would keep your Chamber -all day! False, unworthy Woman! You shall keep it longer -than you expected.”}}--I’ll make him a terrible example of -an injured Husband’s wrath! - -_Countess._ (_Falling on her knees between the Count and -the door_) Hold, my Lord, hold! Or let your anger light on -me!--I, alone, am guilty! If there be any guilt--Have pity -on his youth! His infancy! - -_Count._ What! Intercede for him!--On your knees!--And to -me! There wanted but this!--I’ll rack him!--Rise!--I’ll -(_Furiously._) - -_Countess._ Promise me to spare his life! - -_Count._ Rise! - - (_The Countess rises terrified, and sinks into - an arm chair ready to faint._ - -_Countess._ He’ll murder him! - -_Count._ Come forth, I say, once more; or I’ll -drag--(_While the Count is speaking, Susan unlocks the door -and bolts out upon him._) - -_Susan._ I’ll stab him!--I’ll rack him! - - (_The Countess, at hearing Susan’s voice, - recovers sufficiently to look round--Is - astonished, endeavours to collect herself, and - turns back into her former position to conceal - her surprise._) - -_Countess._ (_After standing fixed some time, and first -looking at Susan and then at the Countess_) Here’s a -seminary!--And can you act astonishment too, Madam? -(_Observing the Countess, who cannot totally hide her -surprise._). - -_Countess._ _Attempting to speak_) I--My Lord-- - -_Count._ (_Recollecting himself._) But, perhaps, she was -not alone. (_Enters the dressing-room, Countess again -alarmed, Susan runs to the Countess._ - -_Susan._ Fear nothing--He is not there--He has jumped out -of the window. - -_Countess._ And broke his neck! (_Her terror returns._) - -_Susan._ Hush! (_Susan claps herself bolt upright against -her Lady, to hide her new disorder from the Count._) Hem! -Hem! - - - _Re-enter_ COUNT, (_greatly abashed_) - -_Count._ Nobody there!--I have been to blame--(_approaching -the Countess_.) Madam!-- - - (_With great submission as if going to beg her - pardon, but the confusion still visible in her - countenance calls up the recollection of all - that had just passed, and he bursts out into an - exclamation._) - -Upon my soul, Madam, you are a most excellent Actress! - -_Susan._ And am not I too, my Lord? - -_Count._ You see my Confusion, Madam--be generous. - -_Susan._ As you have been. - -_Count._ Hush!--(_Makes signs to Susan to take his part._) -My dear Rosina---- - -_Countess._ No, no, my Lord! I am no longer that Rosina -whom you formerly loved with such affection!--I am now -nothing but the poor Countess of Almaviva! A neglected -Wife, and not a beloved Mistress. - -_Count._ Nay, do not make my humiliation too severe--(_His -suspicions again in part revive._) But wherefore, my Lady, -have you been thus mysterious on this occasion? - -_Countess._ That I might not betray that headlong -thoughtless Figaro. - -_Count._ What! He wrote the anonymous billet then? - -_Countess._ It was without my knowledge, my Lord. - -_Count._ But you were afterwards informed of it? - -_Countess._ Certainly. - -_Count._ Who did he give it to? - -_Countess._ Basil-- - -_Count._ Who sent it me by a Peasant--Indeed, Mr. -Basil.--Yes, vile Thrummer, thou shalt pay for all! - -_Countess._ But where is the justice of refusing that -pardon to others we stand so much in need of ourselves? If -ever I could be brought to forgive, it should only be on -condition of passing a general amnesty. - -_Count._ I acknowledge my guilt. - - (_The Countess stands in the middle of the - stage, the Count a little in the back ground, - as if expressive of his timidity, but his - countenance shews he is confident of obtaining - his pardon--Susan stands forwarder than either, - and her looks are significantly applicable to - the circumstances of both parties._) - -_Susan._ To suspect a man in my Lady’s dressing-room!-- - -_Count._ And to be thus severely punished for my -suspicion!-- - -_Susan._ Not to believe my Lady when she _assured_ you it -was her Woman! - -_Count._ Ah!----(_with affected confusion_) Deign, Madam, -once more, to repeat my pardon. - -_Countess._ Have I already pronounced it, Susan? - -_Susan._ Not that I heard, Madam. - -_Count._ Let the gentle sentence then escape. - -_Countess._ And do you merit it, ungrateful man? (_with -tenderness._) - -_Count._ (_Looking at Susan, who returns his look_) -Certainly, my Lady. - -_Countess._ A fine example I set you, Susan! (_The Count -takes her hand and kisses it._) Who, hereafter, will dread -a Woman’s anger? - - (_Countess turns her head towards Susan, and - laughs as she says this._) - -_Susan._ (_In the same tone_) Yes, yes, Madam--I -observe----Men may well accuse us of frailty. - -_Count._ And yet I cannot, for the soul of me, forget the -agony, Rosina, in which you seemed to be just now! Your -cries, your tears, your----How was it possible, this being -a Fiction, you should so suddenly give it the tragic tone -of a Reality?--Ha! ha! ha!--So astonishingly natural! - -_Countess._ You see your Page, and I dare say your Lordship -was not sorry for the mistake--I’m sure the sight of Susan -does not give you offence. - -_Count._ Hem!--Offence! Oh! No, no, no--But what’s the -reason, you malicious little hussey, you did not come when -I called? - -_Susan._ What! Undress’d, my Lord? - -_Count._ But why didn’t you answer then? - -_Susan._ My Lady forbad me: and good reason she had so to -do. - -_Count._ Such distraction in your countenance! (_To the -Countess_) Nay, it’s not calm even yet! - -_Countess._ Oh you--you fancy so my Lord. - -_Count._ Men, I perceive, are poor Politicians--Women make -Children of us----Were his Majesty wise, he would name you, -and not me, for his Ambassador. - - - _Enter_ FIGARO, _chearfully; perceives the Count, who - puts on a very serious air_. - -_Fig._ They told me my Lady was indisposed, I ran to -enquire, and am very happy to find there was nothing in it. - -_Count._ You are very attentive. - -_Fig._ It is my duty so to be, my Lord. (_Turns to Susan._) -Come, come, my Charmer! Prepare for the Ceremony! Go to -your Bridemaids. - -_Count._ But who is to guard the Countess in the mean time? - -_Figaro._ (_Surprised_) Guard her, my Lord! My Lady seems -very well: she wants no guarding. - -_Count._ From the Gallant, who was to profit by my absence? -(_Susan and the Countess make signs to Figaro._) - -_Countess._ Nay, nay, Figaro, the Count knows all. - -_Susan._ Yes, yes, we have told my Lord every thing.--The -jest is ended--Its all over. - -_Figaro._ The jest is ended!--And its all over! - -_Count._ Yes--Ended, ended, ended!----And all over--What -have you to say to that? - -_Fig._ Say, my Lord! - - (_The confusion of Figaro arises from not - supposing it possible the Countess and - Susan should have betrayed him, and when he - understands something by their signs, from not - knowing how much they have told._) - -_Count._ Ay, say. - -_Fig._ I--I--I wish I could say as much of my Marriage. - -_Count._ And who wrote the pretty Letter? - -_Figaro._ Not I, my Lord. - -_Count._ If I did not know thou liest, I could read it in -thy face. - -_Figaro._ Indeed, my Lord!--Then it is my face that lies; -and not I. - -_Countess._ Pshaw, Figaro! Why should you endeavour to -conceal any thing, when I tell you we have confess’d all? - -_Susan._ (_Making signs to Figaro_) We have told my Lord -of the Letter, which made him suspect that Hannibal, the -Page, who is far enough off by this, was hid in my Lady’s -dressing-room, where I myself was lock’d in. - -_Figaro._ Well, well, since my Lord will have it so, and my -Lady will have it so, and you all will have it so, why then -so let it be. - -_Count._ Still at his Wiles.---- - -_Countess._ Why, my Lord, would you oblige him to speak -truth, so much against his inclination? (_Count and -Countess walk familiarly up the stage._) - -_Susan._ Hast thou seen the Page? - -_Fig._ Yes, yes: you have shook his young joints for him, -among you. - - - _Enter_ ANTONIO, _the Gardener, with a broken Flower-pot - under his arm half drunk_. - -_Antonio._ My Lord--My good Lord--If so be as your Lordship -will not have the goodness to have these Windows nailed up, -I shall never have a Nosegay fit to give to my Lady--They -break all my pots, and spoil my flowers; for they not only -throw other Rubbish out of the windows, as they used to do, -but they have just now tossed out a Man. - -_Count._ A Man!--(_The Count’s suspicions all revive._) - -_Antonio._ In white stockings! - - (_Countess and Susan discover their fears, - and make signs to Figaro to assist them if - possible._) - -_Count._ Where is the Man? (_Eagerly._) - -_Antonio._ That’s what I want to know, my Lord!--I wish -I could find him,--I am your Lordship’s Gardener; and, -tho’ I say it, a better Gardener is not to be found in all -Spain;--but if Chambermaids are permitted to toss men out -of the window to save their own Reputation, what is to -become of mine?--{{“It will wither with my flowers to be -sure.”}} - -_Figaro._ Oh fie! What sotting so soon in a morning? - -_Antonio._ Why, can one begin one’s day’s work too early? - -_Count._ Your day’s work, Sir? - -_Antonio._ Your Lordship knows my Niece, there she stands, -is to be married to day; and I am sure she would never -forgive me if---- - -_Count._ If you were not to get drunk an hour sooner than -usual--But on with your story, Sir--What of the Man?--What -followed? - -_Antonio._ I followed him myself, my Lord, as fast as I -could; but, somehow, I unluckily happened to make a false -step, and came with such a confounded whirl against the -Garden-gate--that I--I quite for--forgot my Errand. - -_Count._ And should you know this man again? - -_Antonio._ To be sure I should, my Lord!--If I had seen -him, that is. - -_Count._ Either speak more clearly, Rascal, or I’ll send -you packing to---- - -_Antonio._ Send me packing, my Lord?--Oh, no! If your -Lordship has not enough--enough (_Points to his forehead_) -to know when you have a good Gardener, I warrant I know -when I have a good Place. - -_Figaro._ There is no occasion, my Lord, for all this -mystery! It was I who jump’d out of the window into the -garden. - -_Count._ You? - -_Figaro._ My own self, my Lord. - -_Count._ Jump out of a one pair of stairs window and run -the risk of breaking your Neck? - -_Figaro._ The ground was soft, my Lord. - -_Antonio._ And his Neck is in no danger of being broken. - -_Figaro._ To be sure I hurt my right leg, a little, in the -fall; just here at the ancle--I feel it still. (_Rubbing -his ancle._) - -_Count._ But what reason had you to jump out of the window? - -_Figaro._ You had received my letter, my Lord, since I must -own it, and was come, somewhat sooner than I expected, in -a dreadful passion, in search of a man.-- - -_Antonio._ If it was you, you have grown plaguy fast within -this half hour, to my thinking. The man that I saw did not -seem so tall by the head and shoulders. - -_Figaro._ Pshaw! Does not one double one’s self up when one -takes a leap? - -_Antonio._ It seem’d a great deal more like the Page. - -_Count._ The Page! - -_Figaro._ Oh yes, to be sure, the Page has gallop’d back -from Seville, Horse and all, to leap out of the window! - -_Antonio._ No, no, my Lord! I saw no such thing! I’ll take -my oath I saw no horse leap out of the window. - -_Figaro._ Come, come, let us prepare for our sports. - -_Antonio._ Well, since it was you, as I am an honest man, -I ought to return you this Paper which drop’d out of your -pocket as you fell. - -_Count._ (_Snatches the paper. The Countess, Figaro, and -Susan are all surprised and embarrassed. Figaro shakes -himself, and endeavours to recover his fortitude._) Ay, -since it was you, you doubtless can tell what this Paper -contains (_claps the paper behind his back as he faces -Figaro_) and how it happened to come in your Pocket? - -_Figaro._ Oh, my Lord, I have such quantities of Papers -(_searches his pockets, pulls out a great many_) No, it -is not this!--Hem!--This is a double Love-letter from -Marcelina, in seven pages--Hem!--Hem!--It would do a man’s -heart good to read it--Hem!--And this is a petition from -the poor Poacher in prison. I never presented it to your -Lordship, because I know you have affairs much more serious -on your hands, than the Complaints of such half-starved -Rascals--Ah!--Hem!--this--this--no, this is an Inventory -of your Lordship’s Sword-knots, Ruffs, Ruffles, and -Roses--must take care of this--(_Endeavours to gain time, -and keeps glancing and hemming to Susan and the Countess, -to look at the paper and give him a hint._) - -_Count._ It is neither this, nor this, nor that, nor -t’other, that you have in your hand, but what I hold here -in mine, that I want to know the contents of. (_Holds out -the paper in action as he speaks, the Countess who stands -next him catches a sight of it._) - -_Countess._ ’Tis the Commission. (_Aside to Susan._) - -_Susan._ The Page’s Commission. (_Aside to Figaro._) - -_Count._ Well, Sir!--So you know nothing of the matter? - -_Antonio._ (_Reels round to Figaro_) My Lord says you--know -nothing of the matter. - -_Figaro._ Keep off, and don’t come to whisper me. -(_pretending to recollect himself._) Oh Lord! Lord! What a -stupid fool I am!--I declare it is the Commission of that -poor youth, Hannibal--which I, like a Blockhead, forgot to -return him--He will be quite unhappy about it, poor Boy. - -_Count._ And how came you by it? - -_Figaro._ By it, my Lord? - -_Count._ Why did he give it you? - -_Figaro._ To--to--to---- - -_Count._ To what? - -_Figaro._ To get-- - -_Count._ To get what? It wants nothing! - -_Countess._ (_to Susan_) It wants the Seal. - -_Susan._ (_to Figaro_) It wants the Seal. - -_Figaro._ Oh, my Lord, what it wants to be sure is a mere -trifle. - -_Count._ What trifle? - -_Figaro._ You know, my Lord, it’s customary to-- - -_Count._ To what? - -_Figaro._ To affix your Lordship’s Seal. - -_Count._ (_Looks at the Commission, finds the Seal is -wanting, and exclaims with vexation and disappointment_) -The Devil and his Imps!--It is written, Count, thou shalt -be a Dupe!--Where is this Marcelina? - - [_Going._ - -_Figaro._ Are you going, my Lord, without giving Orders for -our Wedding? - - - _Enter_ MARCELINA, BASIL, BOUNCE, _and Vassals_. - - (_The Count returns._) - -_Marcelina._ Forbear, my Lord, to give such Orders; in -Justice forbear. I have a written promise under his hand, -and I appeal to you, to redress my injuries! You are my -lawful Judge. - -_Figaro._ Pshaw! A trifle, my Lord: a note of hand for -money borrowed; nothing more. - -_Count._ Let the Advocates and Officers of Justice be -assembled in the great Hall; we will there determine on -the justice of your claim. It becomes us not to suffer any -Vassal of ours, however we may privately esteem him, to be -guilty of public injury. - -_Basil._ Your Lordship is acquainted with my claims on -Marcelina: I hope your Lordship will grant me your support. - -_Count._ Oh, oh! Are you there, Prince of Knaves? - -_Antonio._ Yes, that’s his title, sure enough. - -_Count._ Approach, honest Basil; faithful Agent of our -Will and Pleasure. (_Basil bows_) Go order the Lawyers to -assemble. - -_Basil._ My Lord!-- - -_Count._ And tell the Peasant, by whom you sent me the -Letter this morning, I want to speak with him. - -_Basil._ Your Lordship is pleased to joke with your humble -Servant. I know no such Peasant. - -_Count._ You will be pleased to find him, notwithstanding. - -_Basil._ My Office, in this House, as your Lordship knows, -is not to go of Errands! Think, my Lord, how that would -degrade a man of my talents; who have the honour to teach -my Lady the Harpsichord, the Mandoline to her Woman, and to -entertain your Lordship, and your Lordship’s good Company, -with my Voice and my Guitar, whenever your Lordship pleases -to honor me with your Commands. - -_Bounce._ I will go, if your Lordship pleases to let me: -I should be very glad to oblige your Lordship. - -_Count._ What’s thy Name? - -_Bounce._ Pedro Bounce, my Lord, Fire-work maker to your -Lordship. - -_Count._ Thy zeal pleases me, thou shalt go. - -_Bounce._ Thank your Lordship, thank your noble Lordship. -(_Leaps._) - -_Count._ (_To Basil_) And do you be pleased, Sir, to -entertain the Gentleman, on his Journey, with your Voice -and your Guitar; he is part of my good Company. - -_Bounce._ (_Leaps_) I am part of my Lord’s good Company! -Who would have thought it! - -_Basil._ My Lord---- - -_Count._ Depart! Obey! Or, depart from my Service. - - (_Exit._) - -_Basil._ ’Tis in vain to resist. Shall I wage war with a -Lion, who am only---- - -_Figaro._ A Calf--{{“But come, you seem vex’d about -it--I will open the Ball--Strike up, tis my Susan’s -Wedding-day.”}} - -_Basil._ Come along, Mr. Bounce. (_Basil begins to play, -Figaro dances and sings off before him, and Bounce follows, -dancing after._) - - (_Exeunt._) - - - _Manent_ COUNTESS _and_ SUSAN. - -_Countess._ You see, Susan, to what Danger I have been -exposed by Figaro and his fine concerted Billet. - -{{_Susan._ “Dear Madam, if you had but seen yourself when -I bounced out upon my Lord! So pale, such Terror in your -Countenance! And then your suddenly assumed tranquillity! - -_Countess._ “Oh no, every Faculty was lost in my Fears. - -_Susan._ “I assure your Ladyship to the contrary; in a few -Lessons you would learn to dissemble and fib with as good -a Grace as any Lady in the Land.”}} - -_Countess._ And so that poor Child jumped out of the Window? - -_Susan._ Without the least hesitation--as light and as -chearful as a Linnet. - -_Countess._ I wish however I could convict my false Count -of his Infidelity. - -_Susan._ The Page will never dare, after this, to make a -second attempt. - -_Countess._ Ha!--A lucky project! I will meet him myself; -and then nobody will be exposed. - -_Susan._ But suppose, Madam-- - -_Countess._ My Success has emboldened me, and I am -determined to try--(_Sees the Riband left on the chair_) -What’s here? My Riband! I will keep it as a Memento of the -danger to which that poor Youth--{{“Ah my Lord--Yet let -me have a care, let me look to myself, to my own Conduct, -lest I should give occasion to say--Ah my Lady!”}} (_The -Countess puts the Riband in her Pocket._) You must not -mention a Word of this, Susan, to any body. - -_Susan._ Except Figaro. - -_Countess._ No exceptions, he must not be told; he will -spoil it, by mixing some plot of his own with it--I have -promised thee a Portion thou knowest--these men are liberal -in their Pleasures--Perhaps I may double it for thee; it -will be Susan’s Right. - -_Susan._ Your Project is a charming one, Madam, and I shall -yet have my Figaro. - - [_Exit Susan, kissing the Countess’s Hand._ - - -End of ACT II. - - - - -ACT III. - - -SCENE, the Great Hall. - - (_A Judge’s Chair, four other Chairs, Benches with red - Baize, a Table and a Stool, with Pen, Ink and Paper._) - - _Enter the_ COUNT, _dressed, and a_ SERVANT, _booted._ - -_Count._ Ride to Seville with all speed; enquire if the -Page has joined his Regiment, and at what o’clock precisely -he arrived; give him this Commission, and return like -lightening. - -_Servant._ And if he is not there-- - -_Count._ Return still quicker.--Go; fly!----(_Exit -Servant_)--I was wrong to send Basil out of the way--He -might have been very serviceable--But Anger was never -wise--I scarcely know at present what I wish--When once -the Passions have obtained the Mastery, there is no Mind, -however consistent, but becomes as wild and incongruous -as a Dream--If the Countess, Susan, and Figaro should -understand each other and plot to betray me!--If the Page -_was_ shut up in her dressing-room--Oh! no!--The Respect -she bears herself--my Honor!--My Honor? And in my Wife’s -keeping?--Honor in a Woman’s possession, like Ice Cream in -the mouth, melts away in a contest of Pleasure and Pain--I -will sound Figaro, however. - - - _Enter_ FIGARO, _behind_. - -_Figaro._ Here am I. (_Aside._) - -_Count._ And if I have reason to suppose them plotting -against me, he shall marry Marcelina. - -_Figaro._ Perhaps not. (_Aside._) - -_Count._ But in that case, what must Susan be? - -_Figaro._ My Wife, if you please.-- - - (_Figaro’s eagerness occasions him to speak - aloud----The Count turns round astonished._) - -_Count._ My Wife, if you please!--To whom did you say my -Wife, if you please? - -_Figaro._ To--to--to--That is--They were the last words of -a sentence I was saying to one of the Servants--Go and tell -so and so to--_my Wife, if you please_. - -_Count._ Your Wife!--Zounds, you are very fond of your Wife. - -_Figaro._ I love to be singular. - -_Count._ You have made me wait for you here a long while. - -_Figaro._ I have been changing my Stockings, which I -dirtied in the fall. - -_Count._ Servants, I think, are longer dressing than their -Masters. - -_Figaro._ Well they may--They are obliged to dress -themselves. - -_Count._ If in sifting my Gentleman, I find him unwilling -to go to France, I may conclude Susan has betrayed me. -(_Aside._) - -_Figaro._ He has mischief in his head, but I’ll watch his -motions. (_Aside._) - -_Count._ (_Approaches Figaro with familiarity_)--Thou -knowest, Figaro, it was my intention to have taken thee -with me on my Embassy to Paris, but I believe thou dost not -understand French. - -_Figaro._ Perfectly. - -_Count._ Indeed!--Let’s hear.--(_Figaro pulls out his purse -and jingles it_)--Is that all the French thou understandest? - -_Figaro._ All!--Is not that enough, think you, my -Lord?--That’s a Language understood in every corner of -the habitable Earth, and in no place better than in -Paris.--{{“Your Philosophers, who lament the loss of an -universal Language, are Fools--They always carry one -in their pockets.”}} As for a knowledge of French, my -Lord, I maintain, _s’il vous plait_, and a Purse are all -that’s necessary--Let but the sound of Silver jingle in a -Frenchman’s ears, and he will instantly understand your -meaning, be it what it will.--{{“If you have a Law-suit, -and wish to gain your Cause, go to the Judge, pull off -your Hat, and pull out your Purse; smile, shake it, and -pronounce, _s’il vous plait, Monsieur_-- - -_Count._ “And your Adversary is overthrown. - -_Figaro._ “Undoubtedly--Unless he understands French -still better than you--Do you wish the _Friendship_ of a -great Lord, or a great Lady, its still the same--Chink, -chink, and _s’il vous plait, Monseigneur--S’il vous plait, -Madame_--The French are a very witty People!--Amazingly -quick of apprehension!--Therefore, my Lord, if you have no -other reason than this for leaving me behind--”}} - -_Count._ But thou art no Politician. - -_Figaro._ Pardon me, my Lord, I am as great a master of -Politics---- - -_Count._ As thou art of French. - -_Figaro._ Oh, my Lord, the thing is so easy--He must be -a Fool indeed who could find his vanity flattered by his -skill in Politics--To appear always deeply concerned -for the good of the State, yet to have no other end but -Self-interest; to assemble and say Nothing; to pretend -vast Secrecy where there is nothing to conceal; to shut -yourself up in your Chamber, and mend your pen or pick -your Teeth, while your Footmen inform the attending Croud -you are too busy to be approach’d--this, with the art of -intercepting Letters, imitating Hands, pensioning Traitors, -and rewarding Flatterers, is the whole mystery of Politics, -or I am an Idiot. - -_Count._ This is the definition of a Partisan not a -Politician. - -_Figaro._ Party and Politics are much the same, they are -become synonimous terms. - -_Count._ (_Aside_) Since he is so willing to go to Paris, -Susan has said nothing. - -_Figaro._ ’Tis now my turn to attack. (_Aside._) - -_Count._ And--I suppose thou wilt take thy Wife with -thee--to Paris? - -_Figaro._ No--no--I should be obliged to quit her so -frequently, that I am afraid the Cares of the marriage -state would lie too heavy on my head (_significantly._) - -_Count._ Susan has betrayed me. (_Aside._) - -_Figaro._ (_Aside_) He does not like the retort. - - (_The Count smiles, approaches Figaro with - great familiarity, and leans upon his - shoulder--By-play between the Count and - Figaro._) - -_Count._ The time was, Figaro, when thou wert more -open--Formerly thou wouldst tell me any thing. - -_Figaro._ And at present I conceal nothing. - -_Count._ What can be the Countess’s motives--(_The Count -puts his arm round Figaro’s neck--By-play again_)--I--Thou -seest I anticipate her wishes, load her with presents---- - -_Figaro._ Will give her any thing but yourself--Of what -worth are Trinkets when we are in want of Necessaries? - -_Count._ Come, come; be sincere--Tell me--How much did the -Countess give thee for this last plot? - -_Figaro._ As much as your Lordship gave me for helping you -to steal her from her old jealous Guardian--{{“A noble Lord -should not endeavour to degrade an honest Servant, lest he -should make him a Knave.”}} - -_Count._ But wherefore is there continually some Mystery in -thy conduct? - -_Figaro._ Because the Conduct of others is mysterious. - -_Count._ Appearances, my dear Figaro, really speak thee a -great Knave. - -_Figaro._ (_Looking round at the Count’s hand upon his -shoulders, and observing his familiarity_)--_Appearances_, -my dear Lord, are frequently false--I am much better -than I appear to be-Can the Great in general say as -much?--(_Aside_)--Take that. - -_Count._ Yes, yes; she has told him. (_Aside._) - -{{_Figaro._ “I shall content myself, my Lord, with the -portion your Lordship has promised me on my Marriage, and -the place of Steward of this Castle, with which you have -honoured me, and willingly remain with my Wife here in -Andalusia, far from troubles and intrigue. - -_Count._ “But thou hast Abilities, and might rise to -Preferment. - -_Figaro._ “Preferred by my Abilities my Lord!----Your -Lordship is pleased to laugh at me.”}} - -_Count._ Yes, yes; Susan has betrayed me, and my Gentleman -marries Marcelina. (_Aside._) - -_Figaro._ He has been angling for Gudgeons, and what has he -caught? (_Aside._) - - - _Enter a_ SERVANT. - -_Servant._ Don Guzman and the Counsellors are without. - -_Count._ Let them wait. - -_Figaro._ (_Ironically_) Aye, let them wait. (_Exit Serv._) - -_Count._ And dost thou expect to gain thy Cause? - -_Figaro._ With the assistance of Justice and my Lord’s good -wishes, who respects Youth too much himself to force others -to wed with Age. - -_Count._ A Judge knows no distinction of persons. - -_Figaro._ “Well--Time, say the Italians, is a valiant -Fellow, and tells Truth”--But what was it your Lordship was -pleased to send for me for? - -_Count._ For--(_Somewhat embarrassed_) To see these benches -and chairs set in order. - -_Figaro._ That is already done, my Lord. Here is the great -chair for your Lordship, a seat for the President, a table -and stool for his Clerk, two benches for the Lawyers, the -middle for the Beau monde, and the Mob in the back ground. -(_Exit._) - -_Count._ He is too cunning; I can get nothing out of him; -but they certainly understand each other.--They may toy and -be as loving as they please, but as for wedding-- - - - _Enter_ SUSAN. - - (_She comes up to the Count’s elbow while he is speaking, - and is surprized to see him in such an ill humour._) - -_Susan._ My Lord! - -_Count._ My Lady! - -_Susan._ My Lady has sent me for your Lordship’s -smelling-bottle; she has got the vapours. - -_Count._ Here; and when she has done with it, borrow it for -yourself,--it may be useful. - -_Susan._ I the vapours, my Lord! Oh no, that’s too polite -a disease for a Servant to pretend to! - -_Count._ Fits may come;--Love so violent as yours cannot -bear disappointment; and when Figaro marries Marcelina-- - -_Susan._ Oh, suppose the worst, my Lord, we can pay -Marcelina with the Portion your Lordship has promised us! - -_Count._ I promis’d you a portion? - -_Susan._ If my ears did not deceive me, I understood as -much. - -_Count._ Yes, if you had pleas’d to _understand_ me, but -since you do not.-- - -_Susan._ (_Pretending bashfulness_) It’s always soon enough -to own one’s weakness, my Lord. - -_Count._ (_with an instant change of countenance_) What! -Wilt thou take a walk this evening in the garden, by the -Pavilion? - -_Susan._ Don’t I take Walks every evening, my Lord? - -_Count._ Nay, nay, but let us understand each other--No -Pavilion, no Marriage. - -_Susan._ And no Marriage, no Pavilion, my Lord! -(_curtsying_) - -_Count._ What a witty little Devil! I wonder what she does -to fascinate me so!--But prithee tell me why hast thou -always, till now, refused with such obstinacy? This very -Morning, thou knowest---- - -_Susan._ This Morning, my Lord!--What, and the Page behind -the Great-chair! - -_Count._ Oh, true! I had forgot!--But when Basil has spoken -to thee in my behalf.-- - -_Susan._ Is it necessary, my Lord, such a knave as Basil -should know every thing that passes? - -_Count._ She is right again!--But--(_Suspicious_) thou wilt -go, now, and tell Figaro all. - -_Susan._ To be sure, my Lord. I always tell him all--except -what is necessary to conceal. - -_Count._ Ah the Hussey! What a charming little Knave it is! -Run, run to thy Mistress; she is waiting, and may suspect -us. - -_Susan._ (_Hesitating_) So your Lordship can’t perceive -that I only wanted a pretext to speak to your Lordship. - - (_The Count unable to conceal his transport, is - going to kiss her, but hears somebody coming, - and they separate_) - -_Count._ (_As he turns._) She absolutely bewitches me! I -had sworn to think no more of her, but she winds me just as -she pleases! - - (_The Count goes off, and Figaro enters, but - the Count hearing Figaro’s Voice, returns and - peeps_) - -_Figaro._ Well, my Susan, what does he say? - -_Susan._ Hush! Hush! He is just gone--Thou hast gained thy -Cause--Run, run, run. - - (_Exit Susan, running, Figaro following._) - -_Figaro._ Well, but how, how, my Charmer? - - (_Exeunt._) - - - _Re-enter_ COUNT. - -_Count._ Thou hast gained thy Cause--Aha! And -is it so, my pair of Knaves!--Am I your Dupe -then?--A very pretty Net! But the Cuckoo is not -caught--Come!--Proceed we to judgment! (_With passion_) Be -we just!--Cool!--Impartial!--Inflexible-- - - (_Exit._) - - - _Enter_ Don GUZMAN, MARCELINA, _and_ DOCTOR. - -_Marcelina._ I shall be happy, Mr. President, to explain -the justice of my Cause. - -_Doctor._ To shew you on what grounds this Lady proceeds. - -_D. Guzman._ (_Stuttering_) We-e-e-ell, le-et us exa-a-mine -the matter ve-erbally. - -_Marcelina._ There is a promise of Marriage---- - -_Guzman._ I co-o-o-ompre--hend! Gi-i-iven by you-ou-ou--to-- - -_Marcelina._ No, Mr. President, given _to_ me. - -_Guz._ I co-o-o-omprehend! Gi-iven _to_ you. - -_Marcelina._ And a sum of Money which I---- - -_Guzman._ I co-o-o-omprehend! Which you-ou ha-ave received. - -_Marcelina._ No, Mr. President, which I have lent. - -_Guzman._ I co-o-o-omprehend!--It is re-e-paid. - -_Marcelina._ No, Mr. President, it is _not_ repaid. - -_Guzman._ I co-o-o-omprehend--The m-m-man would marry you -to pay his de-de-de-bts. - -_Marcelina._ No, Mr. President, he would neither marry me, -_nor_ pay his debts. - -_Guzman._ D-d--do you think I d-d-d-don’t co-o-omprehend -you? - -_Doctor._ And are you, Mr. President, to judge this Cause? - -_Guzman._ T-t-t-to be sure--Wha-at else did I purchase my -Place for thi-ink you, (_Laughs stupidly at the supposed -folly of the Question_) And where is the De-fe-e-endant? - - - _Enter_ FIGARO. - -_Figaro._ Here, at your service. - -_Doctor._ Yes, that’s the Knave. - -_Figaro._ Perhaps I interrupt you. - -{{_Guzman._ “Ha-ave not I see-een you before, young Man? - -_Figaro._ “Oh yes, Mr. President, I once served your Lady. - -_Guzman._ “How lo-ong since? - -_Figaro._ “Nine months before the birth of her last -Child--And a fine Boy it is, though I say it. - -_Guzman._ “Y-es--He’s the F-flower of the Flock”--}} And -the cau-ause betwee-een-- - -_Figaro._ A Bagatelle, Mr. President! A Bagatelle. - -_Guzman._ (_Laughs._) A Ba-ag-a-telle! A pro-o-mise of -Ma-a-arriage a Ba-a-gatelle! Ha! ha! ha!----And dost thou -hope to ca-ast the Pla-aintiff? - -_Figaro._ To be sure, Mr. President! You being one of the -Judges. - -_Guzman._ (_With stupid dignity_) Ye-e-es! I am one of the -Judges!--Hast thou see-een D-D-Doublefee, my Se-ecretary? - -_Figaro._ Yes, Mr. President! That’s a duty not to be -neglected. - -_Guzman._ The young Fellow is not so si-i-imple I thought. - - - _Enter Cryer of the Court, Guards, Count, Counsellors and - Vassals._ - -_Cryer._ Make room there, for my Lord, the Count. - -_Count._ Wherefore in your Robes, Don Guzman? It was -unnecessary for a mere domestic matter like this. - -_Guzman._ Pa-a-ardon me, my Lord! {{“Those who would -tre-e-emble at the Clerk of the Court in his Robes, would -la-augh at the Judge without ’em.”}} Forms! Forms! are -sacred things. - - (_The Count and the Court seat themselves._) - -_Count._ Call silence in the Court. - -_Cryer._ Silence in the Court. - -_Guzman._ Read “over the Causes”, D-D-Doublefee. - -{{_Doublefee._ “The Count de los Altos Montes di Agnas -Frescas, Señor di Montes Fieros, y otros Montes, Plaintiff, -against Alonzo Calderon, a Comic Poet. The question at -present before the Court, is, to know the Author of a -Comedy that has been damned; which they mutually disavow -and attribute to each other. - -_Count._ “They are both very right in mutually disavowing -it; and be it decreed, that if, hereafter, they should -produce a successful Piece, its Fame shall appertain to the -Count, and its Merit to the Poet--The next. - -_Doublefee._ “Diego Macho, Day-labourer, Plaintiff, against -Gil-Perez-Borcado, Tax-gatherer, and receiver of the -Gabels, for having violently dispossessed the said Diego -Macho, Day-labourer, of his Cow. - -_Count._ “This Cause does not come within my Jurisdiction; -but as it is probable the Day-labourer will never obtain -Justice; do thou see, Figaro, that another Cow be sent him; -lest his Family should be starved--The next.”}} - -_Doublefee._ Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, -Spinster, Plaintiff, against--(_To Figaro_) Here’s no -surname! - -_Figaro._ Anonymous. - -_Guzman._ Ano-o-onymous--I never heard the Name before! - -_Doublefee._ Against Figaro Anonymous. What Profession? - -_Figaro._ Gentleman. - -_Count._ Gentleman! - -_Figaro._ I might have been born a Prince, if Heaven had -pleased. - -_Doublefee._ Against Figaro Anonymous, Gentleman, -Defendant. The Question before the Court relates to a -promise of Marriage; the Parties have retained no Council, -contrary to the ancient and established practice of Courts. - -_Figaro._ What occasion for Council? A race of Gentlemen -who are always so very learned, they know every thing, -except their Briefs! Who insolently interrogate Modesty -and Timidity, and endeavour, by confusing, to make Honesty -forswear itself; and, after having laboured for hours, with -all legal prolixity, to perplex self-evident Propositions, -and bewilder the understandings of the Judges, sit down -as proud as if they had just pronounced a Phillipic of -Demosthenes--(_Addressing himself to the Court_) My Lord, -and Gentlemen--The Question before the Court is---- - -_Doublefee._ (_Interrupting him_) It is not you to speak, -you are the Defendant----Who pleads for the Plaintiff? - -_Doctor._ I. - -_Doublefee._ You! A Physician turn Lawyer?-- - -_Figaro._ Oh yes, and equally skilful in both. - -_Count._ Read the Promise of Marriage, Doctor. - -_Guzman._ Re-e-ead the Pro-o-omise of Marriage. - -_Doctor._ (_Reads_) I acknowledge to have received -of Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, the sum -of two thousand Piasters, in the Castle of Count -Almaviva, which sum I promise to repay to the said -Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, _and_ to marry -her. Signed, Figaro. (_Addressing himself to the Count_) My -Lord, and Gentlemen! Hem! Never did cause more interesting, -more intricate, or in which the Interest of Mankind, -their Rights, Properties, Lives and Liberties were more -materially involved, ever claim the profound Attention of -this most learned, most honourable Court, and from the -time of Alexander the Great, who promised to espouse the -beauteous Thalestris---- - -_Count._ Stop, most formidable Orator; and ere you proceed, -enquire whether the Defendant does not contest the validity -of your Deed. - -_Guzman._ (_To Figaro_) Do you co-ontest the -va-va-va-va-lidity of the Dee-eed? - -_Figaro._ My Lord and Gentlemen! Hem! There is -in this Case, either Fraud, Error, Malice, or -mischievous Intention, for the Words of the -Acknowledgment are, I promise to repay the said -Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, the said sum of -two thousand Piasters _or_ to marry her, which is very -different. - -_Doctor._ I affirm it is AND. - -_Figaro._ I affirm it is OR. - -_Doctor._ Well, suppose it. - -_Figaro._ No Supposition, I will have it granted. - -_Count._ Clerk, Read you the Promise. - -_Guzman._ Re-e-ead the P-P-P-Promise, D-D-D-Double-fee. - -_Doublefee._ (_Reads_) I acknowledge to have -received of Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, -the sum of two thousand Piasters, in the Castle -of Count Almaviva, which sum I promise to repay -the said Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, -_and--or--and--or--or_--The Word is blotted. - -_Doctor._ No matter; the Sense of the Phrase is equally -clear. This learned Court is not now to be informed the -word or particle, Or, hath various significations--It means -_otherwise_ and _either_--It likewise means _before_--For -example, in the language of the Poet. - - _Or_ ’ere the Sun decline the western Sky, - ’Tis Fate’s decree the Victims all must die. - -_Figaro._ This was the language of Prophesy, and spoken of -the Doctor’s own Patients. - -{{_Count._ “Silence in the Court. - -_Crier._ “Silence in the Court. - -_Doctor._ “Hence then, I clearly deduce (granting the -word to be _Or_) the Defendant doth hereby promise, not -only to pay the Plaintiff, but marry her _before_ he pays -her--Again, the word _Or_ doth sometimes signify -_Wherefore_, as another great and learned Poet hath it, - - “_Or_ how could heav’nly Justice damn us all, - Who ne’er consented to our Father’s Fall? - -“That is _wherefore_? For what reason could heavenly -Justice do such an unjust thing? Let us then substitute -the adverb _Wherefore_, and the intent and meaning of -the Promise will be incontestable; for, after reciting -an acknowledgement of the debt, it concludes with the -remarkable words, _Or_ to marry her, that is, wherefore, -for which reason, out of gratitude, for the Favour above -done me, _I will marry her_. - -_Figaro._ “Oh most celebrated Doctor? Most poetic Quibbler! - - “Hark with what florid Impotence he speaks, - And as his Malice prompts, the Puppet squeaks, - _Or_ at the ear of Eve, familiar Toad, - Half froth, half venom, spits himself abroad - In legal Puns, _or_ Quibbles, Quirks, _or_ Lies, - _Or_ Spite, _or_ Taunts, _or_ Rhymes, _or_ Blasphemies. - -“What think you we know not Quotations, and Poets, and -_Ands_, and _Ors_, and _Whys_, and _Wherefores_. - - “What Drop _or_ Nostrum, can such Plagues remove, - _Or_ which must end me, a Fool’s Wrath--_Or_ Love? - - (_Pointing first to the Doctor, and then to - Marcelina_) - -“We have neither forgot our Reading nor our Syntax, but can -easily translate a dull Knave into a palpable Fool--”}} My -Lord, and Gentlemen, You hear his Sophisms, Poetical, and -Conundrums, Grammatical. - -_Count._ Yes, yes, we hear. - -(_Count and the Counsellors rise and consult together._) - -_Antonio._ I’m glad they have put an end to your prating. - -_Marcelina._ Their Whisperings and wise Grimaces forebode -me no good. That Susan has corrupted the chief Judge, and -he is corrupting all the others. - -_Doctor._ It looks devilish like it. - - (_The Count and Counsellors resume their - seats._) - -_Doublefee._ Silence in the Court. - -_Crier._ Silence in the Court. - -_Count._ The judgment of the Court is, that since -the validity of the promise of Marriage is not well -established, Figaro is permitted to dispose of his Person. - -_Figaro._ The Day’s my own. - -_Marcelina._ I thought how it would be. - -_Count._ But as the Acknowledgement clearly expresses -the words, _Which sum I promise to pay the said -Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, or to marry her_, -the said Figaro stands condemned to pay the two thousand -Piasters to the Plaintiff, or marry her in the course of -the Day. - -_Figaro._ I’m undone! - -_Marcelina._ I am happy! - -_Count._ And I am revenged! - -_Antonio._ Thank your noble Lordship! Most humbly thank -your noble Lordship!--Ah ha! I’m glad thou art not to marry -my Niece! I’ll go and tell her the good news! - - (_Exit._) - -_Crier._ Clear the Court. - - (_Exeunt Guards, Counsellors, and Vassals._ - - - _Manent Don Guzman, Figaro, Marcelina and Dr. Bartholo._ - -_Figaro._ ’Tis this Furze-ball, this Fungus of a President -that has lost me my Cause. - -_Guzman._ I a F-F-Furze-ball and a F-F-Fungus! - -_Figaro._ (_Sits down dejected_) I will never marry her. - -_Guzman._ Thou mu-ust ma-arry her. - -_Figaro._ What! Without the Consent of my noble Parents? - -_Count._ (_Returning_) Where are they? Who are they?--He -will still complain of injustice--Name them. - -_Figaro._ Allow me time, my Lord--I must first know where -to find them, and yet it ought not to be long, for I have -been seeking them these five Years. - -_Doctor._ What! A Foundling? - -_Figaro._ No Foundling, but stolen from my Parents. - -_Count._ Poh! This is too palpable. - - (_Exit Count_) - -_Figaro._ Had I no other Proof of my Birth than the -precious Stones, Ring, and Jewels found upon me, these -would be sufficient--but I bear the Mark---- - - (_He is going to shew his Arm._) - -_Marcelina._ Of a Lobster on your left Arm. - -_Figaro._ How do you know that? - -_Marcelina._ ’Tis he himself! - -{{_Figaro._ “Yes, it’s me myself.”}} - -_Marcelina._ ’Tis Fernando! - -_Doctor._ Thou wert stolen away by Gypsies. - -_Figaro._ By Gypsies!--Oh Doctor, if thou can’st but -restore me to my illustrious Parents, {{“Mountains of Gold -will not sufficiently speak their gratitude.”}} - -_Doctor._ Behold thy Mother. - - (_Pointing to Marcelina._) - -_Figaro._ Nurse, you mean! - -_Doctor._ Thy own Mother! - -_Figaro._ Explain! - -_Marcelina._ And there behold thy Father. - - (_Pointing to the Doctor._) - -_Figaro._ He, my Father! Oh Lord! Oh Lord! Oh Lord! -(_Stamps about._) - -_Guzman._ (_With great wisdom_) It will be no -m-m-match--that’s evi-dent. - -_Marcelina._ Hast thou not felt Nature pleading within -thee, at sight of me? - -_Figaro._ Never. - -_Marcelina_. This was the secret cause of all my Fondness -for thee. - -_Figaro._ No doubt--And of my aversion--Instinct is very -powerful. - -_Marcelina._ Come to my arms, my dear, my long lost Child. - - (_Figaro and Marcelina embrace, the Doctor - leans against the Benches._) - - - _Enter_ ANTONIO _and_ SUSAN. - - (_The latter runs to find the Count_) - -_Susan._ (_In great Agitation_) Oh, where is my Lord? Here -is the Money to pay Marcelina with! The Portion which my -noble and generous Lady has given me! - -_Antonio._ (_pulling Susan, and pointing to Figaro, who -kisses Marcelina._) Here! here! Look this way! - - (_Susan, at seeing them embrace becomes - furious, and is going away, Figaro runs and - brings her back._) - -_Figaro._ Stop, stop, my Susan. - -_Susan._ I have seen enough--Since you are so fond of her, -pray marry her. - -_Figaro._ Thou art mistaken. - -_Susan._ No, I am not mistaken. - - (_Gives him a slap in the face._) - -{{_Figaro._ (_Rubbing his Cheek_) “This is Love--Pshaw! -Prithee come hither, look at that Lady--How dost thou like -her? - -_Susan._ “Not at all. - -_Figaro._ “Well said Jealousy, she does not mince the -Matter.”}} - -_Marcelina._ Dear Susan, this, this is my Son! - -{{_Figaro._ “Yes, they wanted me to marry my Mother.” - -_Antonio._ “Your Mother!----It is not long since---- - -_Figaro._ “I have known it--True.”}} - -_Marcelina._ Yes, my dearest Susan, embrace thy Mother--Thy -Mother, who will love thee dearly. - -_Susan._ And do you consent I shall have my Figaro? - -_Marcelina._ Willingly. (_Susan runs and kisses her_) Here, -my Son, here is the Promise. - - (_Gives him the Paper._) - -_Susan._ And here is the Portion. - - (_Gives him a Purse of Money._) - -{{_Figaro._ “My manly Pride would fain make me restrain my -tears, but they flew in spite of me--Well, let ’em! Let ’em -flow! Joys like these never come twice in one’s Life! Oh, -my Mother, Oh, my Susan!”}} - - (_They all three embrace, weeping._) - -_Guzman._ (_weeping._) What a Foo-oo-ool am I! L-L-Look, if -I don’t k-k-k-cry as well as the best of ’em. - -_Figaro._ (_to the Doctor_) My Father. - -_Doctor._ Keep off! I disclaim thee! - -_Antonio._ Why then, if you are his Father, you are a -Turkish Jew, and no Christian Father. - -_Doctor._ A Knave that tricked me of my Ward, cheated me of -my Money, and now has been turning my Wisdom into ridicule. - -_Susan._ And are not you, being a wise Man, proud to have -a Son wiser than yourself? - -_Doctor._ No--I would have no one wiser than myself. - -_Antonio._ Come, come, look you, I am {{“a good Catholic, -and”}} an old Castilian, therefore, unless your Father and -Mother become lawful Man and Wife, I will never consent to -give you my Niece. No, no, she sha’n’t marry a man who is -the child of Nobody, neither. - -_Guzman._ Here’s an old Fool!--The Child of Nobody, Ha! -ha! ha! (_Laughs stupidly, and then assumes great Wisdom_) -Hav’n’t you lived long enough to know that every Child must -have a Father? - -{{_Marcelina._ “Consider, good Doctor, your Promise, if -ever our Child was found. - -_Doctor._ “Pshaw! - -_Marcelina._ “And here is a Son you surely need not be -ashamed of. - -_Susan._ “Ah my dear Pappa! - -_Figaro._ “My generous, worthy Father. - - (_Susan strokes his Cheek, Figaro kneels, and - Marcelina coaxes him._) - -_Susan._ “You don’t know how we will all love you. - -_Marcelina._ “What care we will take of you. - -_Figaro._ “How happy we will make you. - -_Doctor._ “Good Doctor, dear Pappa, generous Father! -(_Bursts out a crying_) See, if I am not even a greater -Foo-oo-ool than Mr. President! (_Guzman staggers back at -the Doctor’s Compliment_) they mould me like Dough, lead me -like a Child. (_Marcelina, Susan, and Figaro testify their -Joy by their Actions._) Nay, nay, but I hav’n’t yet said -yes. - -_Susan._ “But you have thought yes. - -_Marcelina._ “And look’d yes. - -_Figaro._ “Come, come, we must be quick; let us run and -find the Count, otherwise he will invent some new pretext -to break off the Match. - - (_Exeunt Doctor, Marcelina, Figaro and Susan._) - - - _Manent Don_ GUZMAN. - -_Guzman._ “A greater Foo-oo-ool than Mr. President!--The -People in this House are truly very stupid and ill bred.” -(_Exit._)}} - - -End of ACT III. - - - - -ACT IV. - - -SCENE, a large Saloon. - -FIGARO _and_ SUSAN, _both joyous_. - -_Figaro._ She has converted her Doctor at last--They are to -be married, and these so late implacable Enemies are now -become our dearest Friends. - -_Susan._ What unexpected Happiness! - -_Figaro._ Chance, my Susan--All the effect of -Chance--{{“Yesterday, without a Relation in the World I -could claim, to-day, behold me restored to my Parents--True -it is, they are neither so rich nor so right honorable, -so belaced nor betitled as my imagination had painted -them--But that’s all one, they are mine”}}--I may truly -be called both a Chance Child, and a Child of Chance--By -Chance was I begot, by Chance brought into the World, by -Chance was I stole, by Chance am I found, by Chance have -I lived, and by Chance I shall die--Chance is Nature’s -Sovereign, and must be mine. - -_Susan._ Yes, and by Chance thou mayst come to be hang’d. -(_Laughs._) - -_Figaro._ Or thou to be an Empress--Neither of them are -impossible--He, the Conqueror, whose Ambition ravages the -Earth, and whose Pride eats up Nations, is not less the -sport of Chance than the blind Beggar who is conducted by -his dog. - -_Susan._ Ha, ha, ha!--Prithee leave thy Philosophy, and-- - -_Figaro._ And think of that other blind beggar, Love--Most -willingly, my Angel. (_Kisses her._) - -_Susan._ Pooh, Pooh!--That was not what I meant. - -_Figaro._ Rather say it was not half thy meaning, or thy -meaning ill expressed. (_Kisses her again._) - -_Susan._ Ah, Figaro! Were this fondness, these days but -durable-- - -_Figaro._ Durable!--Iron and Adamant--No; may millions of -imaginary Gallants wrack my heart and decorate my-- - -{{_Susan._ “No rhodomantade, Figaro--Tell me the simple -truth. - -_Figaro._ “By the truest of all Truths I swear-- - -_Susan._ “Truest of Truths!--Are there various kinds of -Truths then? - -_Figaro._ “No doubt. - -_Susan._ “Fie! - -_Figaro._ “There are Truths that may be spoken: such as -the Peccadillos of a poor Rascal! Truths that may not be -spoken: such as the Robberies of a rich Rascal--There are -your Truths comprehensible: such as that two and two make -four; and your Truths incomprehensible: such as that two -and two make five--Then there are your Tradesman’s Truths, -which he retails to his Customers, your Lover’s Truths, -which he pours wholesale into his Mistress’s ear--Your -Courtier’s Truths, on which he feeds his Dependants -and Parasites--Your Court of Law, or Kiss-the-Book -Truths, which are the daily support of a _vast_ number -of _very_ honest people--There are also your physical -and metaphysical Truths--Your old Truths and your new -Truths--Your heterodox and orthodox Truths--Your Mahometan -Truths, your Jewish Truths, and your--other kind of truths, -concerning which there never was nor ever will be any -doubt--Not to mention your Truths _in_ fashion: such as -that Idleness, Ignorance, Dissipation, Gaming and Seduction -are the requisites of a Gentleman--And your Truths _out_ of -fashion: such as that Gentleness, Obedience, Œconomy, and -connubial Love are the requisites of a _Gentlewoman_. - -_Susan._ “I find by your account of the matter, Figaro, -that poor Truth, like a Lottery Ticket, is so divided and -sub-divided, so halved, quartered, cut, carv’d, split and -spliced, it is no where entire to be found. - -_Figaro._ “No where. - -_Susan._ “And moreover, that what is Truth to-day may be a -Lie to-morrow. - -_Figaro._ “May be! Must be. - -_Susan._ “Consequently, that in less than twenty-four -hours, my very tender submissive, ardent Lover may be -metamorphosed into an arbitrary, cold, haughty _Husband_. - -_Figaro._ “Impossible!--Impossible, my Susan! As it is -for thee, my gentle, kind, and beauteous Bride, to be -transformed into an ill-tempered, extravagant slatternly -_Wife_. - -_Susan._ “I understand thee”}}--Well, Well--We will -endeavour to convert the iron Bands of Matrimony into a -flowery Wreath which Love shall teach us to bear lightly -and joyously through Life. - -_Figaro._ Aye, and thus live a happy Exception to the -established usage of a mad World. - -_Susan._ But prithee, who is to go disguised and meet the -Count? - -_Figaro._ Who?--Nobody--Let him wait and fret, and bite his -Nails--I never meant thou shouldst go. - -_Susan._ I assure thee I never had any inclination. - -{{_Figaro._ “Is that the real Truth, Susan?” - -_Susan._ “What! Thinkest thou I am as learned as thou art? -And that I keep several sorts of Truths?”}} - -_Figaro._ (_With fond Vivacity_). And dost thou love me? - -_Susan._ (_Tenderly_). Too much, I doubt. - -_Figaro._ Ah!--That’s but little. - -_Susan._ How! - -_Figaro._ In Love’s Creed, too much is not even enough. - -_Susan._ I understand nothing of this over-refinement, but -I feel I shall love my Husband most heartily. - -_Figaro._ Keep thy word, and put our modern Wives to the -blush. - -_Susan._ Afford them a subject to laugh and point at, thou -mean’st. - - - _Enter the_ COUNTESS. - -_Countess._ Wherever you meet One of them, be certain -you shall find a Pair. (_They salute the Countess_)--The -Bridesmen and Maids wait for you, Figaro. - -_Figaro._ I will take my excuse in my hand--(_Going to lead -out Susan_)--Few offenders can plead so charming a one. - -_Countess._ No, no; stop Susan: I want you--She shall -come presently. (_Exit Figaro_).--Well, Susan, the time -approaches, we must prepare for the Rendezvous. - -{{_Susan._ “I must not go, Madam, Figaro is unwilling. - -_Countess._ (_Angry_). “Figaro!--Figaro is not so -scrupulous when a Marriage-portion is in question--That’s a -poor Pretence; you are sorry you have told the truth, and -discovered the Intentions of the Count.--Go, go--I am not -to be so deceived. (_Going_). - -_Susan._ (_Catching hold of her and kneeling_). “Ah, Madam! -Let me conjure you to hear me, to pardon me.--How can you -think me capable of deceiving so good, so liberal a Lady, -whose bounties I have so often felt!----Oh, no; it is -because I have promised Figaro. - -_Countess._ (_Mildly and Smiling_). “Rise--Hast thou -forgot, silly Girl, that it is I who am to go and not -thee.--(_Kisses her forehead_)--But--I was too hasty. - -_Susan._ “My dear, my generous Mistress.”}} - -_Countess._ And what is the place of Rendezvous? - -_Susan._ The Pavilion in the Garden. - -_Countess._ There are two. - -_Susan._ But they are opposite. - -_Countess._ True--At what hour? - -_Susan._ I don’t know. - -_Countess._ That must be fixed--Sit down, take the pen and -write-- - - (_Susan sits down, the Countess dictates_) - - -A NEW SONG, - -To the Tune of, - -_The Twilight past, the Bell had toll’d_. - -_Susan._ (_Writes_). New song--Tune of--Bell had -toll’d--What next, Madam? - -_Countess._ Dost think he will not understand thee? - -_Susan._ (_Looking archly at the Countess_). Very -true--(_Folding up the Letter_)--But here is neither Wax -nor Wafer. - -_Countess._ Fasten it with a Pin, and write on the -direction, _Return the Seal_. (_Smiling._) - -_Susan._ (_Laughs_) The Seal!--(_Gets up._)--This is not -quite so serious as the Commission just now was. - -_Countess._ (_Sighs_). Ah, Susan. - -_Susan._ I have never a Pin. - -_Countess._ Take this. - - (_Gives her one which fastened the Page’s - riband to her breast; it falls._) - -_Susan._ (_Picking up the riband_) This is the Page’s -riband, Madam. - -_Countess._ Wouldst thou have me let him wear it? It will -do for Agnes; I will give it her the first Bouquet she -presents me. - - (_Just as the Countess has said this, Agnes and - a troop of young Maidens, among them the Page, - in girl’s cloaths, enter with nosegays for the - Countess, who instantly puts the riband in her - pocket, with an evident wish, by her looks and - action, to preserve it._) - -_Countess._ (_Looking at the Page_) What pretty maiden is -this? - -_Agnes._ A Cousin of mine, Madam, that we have invited to -the Wedding. - -_Countess._ Well, then, as we can wear but one nosegay, let -us do honour to the Stranger. (_Takes the Nosegay from the -Page, and kisses his forehead._--(_Aside to Susan_) Don’t -you think, Susan, she resembles amazingly--(_Stops short, -and looks at Susan_). - -_Susan._ Amazingly, indeed, Madam! - -_Page._ (_Aside_) What a precious kiss! I feel -it here. (_Putting his hand on his heart._) - - - _Enter the Count, and Antonio with a hat in his hand._ - -_Antonio._ (_As he enters_) Yes, yes, my Lord, I’m certain -it was him. The rakish little Rascal is disguised among -the Girls. I found his new hat and cockade here--hid in -a basket. (_The Countess and Susan surprised, look at -the Page, and then at each other. The girls surround and -endeavour to hide Hannibal; Antonio seeks among them_). Ay, -ay, here he is--here he is. (_Antonio takes off his cap, -and puts on his hat_) There, my Lord! There’s a pretty, -modest Virgin for you! - -_Count._ Well, my Lady! - -_Countess._ Well, my Lord!--I am as much surprized as you -can be; and, I assure you, not less vex’d.--At present, -however, it is time to tell you the whole Truth: This -young gentleman (_Pointing to the Page_) was hid in my -Dressing-room.--We attempted a Joke, which these Girls have -put in practice. - -_Count._ But wherefore hide him from me? - -_Countess._ Because, my Lord, when your Passions are -predominant, you are incapable of either listening to or -believing the Truth. - -_Count._ (_Aside_) Must I for ever be disturbed, haunted, -and bewitch’d thus by this beardless Boy? (_Turning with -great wrath towards the Page_) What is the reason, Sir, you -have not obeyed my Commands? - -_Page._ (_Draws back frightened, and takes off his hat_) -My-my-my Lord, I staid to teach Agnes the Love scene she is -to play in the Comedy this evening. - -_Agnes._ (_Steps forward_) Ah, my Lord, when you come to my -room, you know, and want to kiss me-- - -_Count._ I! - - (_The Countess remarks his embarrassment, - Susan laughs silently, and makes signs to the - Countess_). - -_Agnes._ Yes, my Lord! You say to me, My pretty Agnes, if -you will but love me, I will give you any thing you wish -to have; now, my Lord, if you will give me Hannibal for a -husband, I will love you with all my heart. - -_Countess._ You hear, my Lord!--Has not the simplicity -of this Child’s confession, as artless as the one I have -this moment made, sufficiently justified my Conduct? And -do not circumstances prove, how injurious your Suspicions -have been, and how well founded mine? (_Count bows to the -Countess._) - -_Antonio._ You see, my Lord, what a giddy young thing it is. - -_Count._ And very loving too. - -_Antonio._ Her mother, as every body knows, was just such -another. - - - _Enter_ FIGARO. - -_Figaro._ Come, my pretty Maidens, come. (_Turns to the -Count_) While you keep the Lasses here, my Lord, we can -neither begin our Procession nor our Dances. - -_Count._ (_Gravely putting on his hat_) Why surely, Sir, -you don’t intend to dance. - -_Figaro._ Why not, my Lord? - -_Count._ What! With a hurt in your ancle? - -_Figaro._ Oh! Is that all?--It pains me a little, to be -sure; but that’s a trifle--Come Girls. - -_Count._ (_Turning him back_) You were very lucky to light -upon such soft ground. - -_Figaro._ Exceedingly, my Lord:--Come Lasses. - -_Antonio._ (_Turning him back on the other side_) And then -you double yourself up, when you take a leap? Yet, like a -Cat, you fall on your feet. - -_Figaro._ What then?--Come Gir-- - -_Count._ But how unhappy the poor Youth will be about his -Commission. - -_Figaro._ What is the meaning of all this, my Lord? - -_Antonio._ (_Bringing the Page forward_) Do you know this -bashful young Lady? - -_Figaro._ The Devil! Hannibal!--(_Aside._) Well, and what -Riddle has he to propound? - -_Count._ No Riddle, Sir, but a simple matter of fact:--He -affirms, it was he who jump’d out of the window. - -_Figaro._ Does he?--Well, if he say so, I suppose it is so. - -_Count._ How! What two at a time? - -_Figaro._ Two? Twenty! Why not, my Lord? One sheep begins, -and the rest naturally follow: (_Flourish of Music -without_) Come, come, my merry Maidens, don’t you hear the -music? Quick, quick, run, run, run. - - (_Exeunt Susan and Figaro, with the Girls._) - -_Count._ (_To the Page_) Harkee, little Rascal, begone, -instantly; put off your Petticoats, and don’t stir out of -your room the rest of the day.--Take care, Sir, I don’t -meet you again. - -_Page._ (_Putting on his hat_) No matter--I bare away that -upon my forehead, which would compensate for an age of -imprisonment. (_Exit joyously_). - -_Count._ (_Looks at the Countess, who recollects the kiss -she had just given the Page_) His forehead! What is it he -bears away so triumphantly upon his forehead? - -_Countess._ (_Embarrassed_) A--His Officer’s hat, I -suppose. Every new Bauble pleases a Child. - - (_Going._) - -_Count._ The Procession is coming, will not your Ladyship -stay and be a witness of your Favourite’s happiness? - -_Countess._ As your Lordship pleases. - - _Enter the Procession of the two Weddings. A March is - played; Doctor Bartholo and Marcelina are preceded by - Cryer of the Court, Guards, Doublefee, Counsellors, Don - Guzman; after them come Antonio, Figaro, and Susan, - followed by the Bridesmen and Maids, and a troop of - Dancers. They all salute the Count and Countess as they - pass; and after making the tour of the stage, Antonio - presents his Niece to the Count; Susan kneels, one of the - Bridemaids gives the Count the nuptial Cap; and Susan, - while the Count is placing it on her head, plucks him by - the cloak, and shews him the Note she had just before - written. He pretends to keep adjusting the Cap, and slily - reaches to take the Note, which he instantly claps in - his bosom, having previously unbuttoned himself for that - purpose. While this is transacting a Castanet-Dance is - performed. As soon as Susan rises, she purposely places - herself before the Countess, to encourage the Count to - read the Note, who accordingly steps forward, is going - to open it, and pricks his finger with the Pin, which he - plucks out and throws angrily on the floor._) - -_Count._ These Women and their curst Pins. - -_Figaro._ (_Aside to his Mother laughing_) The Count has -received a Billet-doux from some pretty Girl, sealed with -a Pin! This is a new fashion, which he does not seem to -admire. - - (_The Count reads the Note, is exceedingly - pleased, folds it up again, and reads on the - outside, “Return the Seal;” he pretends to - walk carelessly about the stage, but is all - the while looking earnestly for the pin he had - thrown away, which he at last finds, picks up - and sticks upon his Sleeve._) - -_Figaro._ (_To his Mother_) Every thing is precious that -appertains to a beloved object.--He picks up the very Pin, -you see. - - (_All this while Susan and the Countess remark - what is passing with laughter, and private - looks and gestures._) - -_Countess._ (_Rising_) Come with me, Susan. We shall soon -be back, my Lord. (_Aside to Susan_) Let us make haste and -exchange dresses. - - (_Exeunt Countess and Susan._ - -{{_Crier._ “Guards! Guards!--This way, Guards! (_Places the -Guards at the door, runs up to the Count_) My Lord, here’s -Mr. Basil coming, my Lord, with the whole Village at his -heels; because he has been singing all the way he went. - -_Figaro._ “Orpheus and the Brutes. But I’ll make him change -his Tune.”}} - - - _Enter_ BASIL _singing, followed by_ BOUNCE. - -_Count._ So, Mr. Basil, what is your will and pleasure? - -{{_Basil._ “After having fulfilled your Lordship’s -commands, by amusing this honest Gentleman---- - -_Bounce._ “Me, my Lord? I assure your Lordship he has not -amused me in the least. - -_Basil._ “I now return to enforce my claims on Marcelina. - -_Figaro._ “Look you, Sir--Should you venture but to cast -one look, or approach one step nearer that Lady---- - -_Doctor._ “Let him speak, Figaro, let him speak. - -_Guzman._ “Oh f-f-fie!--What f-f-friends!-- - -_Figaro._ “I disclaim such friendship. - -_Basil._ “And I----Error in Judgment, Mr. President. - -_Figaro._ “He!--A Street-corner Ballad-Bawler! - -_Basil._ “As good, at least, as a Barber-Surgeon! - -_Figaro._ “Who hashes up a dinner out of Horse-hair and -Catgut! - -_Basil._ “Who has hungrily devoured Razors and Hones, and -fed half his life upon Froth! (_Imitates beating up a -Lather._) - -_Figaro._ “The high Priest of Pimps! - -_Basil._ “The vile Drudge of Intrigue! - -_Figaro._ “Execrated by those he serves! - -_Basil._ “Gulled by his own Cunning! - -_Figaro._ “So great a Fool, Knavery itself cannot make him -thrive! - -_Basil._ “So stupid, he never yet could invent a probable -Lie! - - _Doctor._ } “Hold, hold. - _Guzman._ } - -_Figaro._ “A Pedantic! - -_Basil._ “Pert! - -_Figaro._ “Preposterous! - -_Basil._ “Pragmatical! - -_Figaro._ “Braying! - -_Basil._ “Lop-eared! - -_Figaro._ “Ass! - -_Count._ “How now!--Is this all the Respect you shew?-- - -_Basil._ “You hear, my Lord, how he insults me! When, it -is well known, there is not, in all Andalusia, a more -eminent!---- - -_Figaro._ “Empty! - -_Basil._ “Able! - -_Figaro._ “Abject! - -_Basil._ “Musician! - -_Figaro._ “Miscreant! - -_Basil._ “Is this to be borne? - -_Figaro._ “Whose countenance prophecies of Pillories, -Scaffolds, and the stretching of Hemp; and whose whole -appearance is a continual Memento of public Calamity, -Plague, Pestilence, and Famine;--A Misericordia, -Sackcloth-and-ashes Knave;--A Scape Goat, that looks like -a Jew in the yellow Jaundice. - - (_Doctor Bartholo and Don Guzman prevent Basil - from falling upon Figaro._) - -_Count._ “Do you think this proper, Mr. Figaro? - -_Figaro._ “Why not, my Lord?--Let him listen to Truth, -since he is too Poor to pay Parasites and Liars. - -_Count._ “Silence, Sir!--Let us hear, Mr. Basil, what you -have to say. - -_Basil._ “(_Composing himself_) I demand the hand of -Marcelina, my Lord, who promised to marry me. - -_Marcelina._ “On what condition was this promise made? - -_Basil._ “That I should adopt your lost Son, if ever you -should be happy enough to find him. - -_Marcelina._ “Well. - -_Doctor._ “He is found. - -_Basil._ “Where is he? - -_Doctor._ “Here he stands. (_Pointing to Figaro_). - -_Guzman._ “The-e-e-ere he stands. - -_Basil._ “He!--Oh, my curst Stars! - -_Guzman._ “Do you re-e-nounce your pre-e-tentions to his -de-e-ear Mother? - -_Basil._ “Renounce!--As I would renounce the Devil and all -his Works. - -_Figaro._ “What! Renounce your best Friend?--But that’s -like your Rogue’s tricks. - -_Basil._ “I will not live under the same roof with him--I -would rather even quit the service of my Lord. - -_Figaro._ “Don’t be uneasy, I shan’t trouble you -long--Restored to my Parents, and married to my Susan, I -shall retire and live in Peace. - -_Count._ “(_Aside_) And I shall retire to meet my Mistress. - -_Guzman._ “So every body is sa-a-tisfied.”}} - -_Count._ Let the marriage Contracts be prepared, and I will -sign them. - -_Figaro._ Thanks, gracious Lord. - -_Bounce._ And I will go and prepare the Fireworks in the -Garden, near the Pavilion. - -_Count._ (_Returning_) Who, pray Sir, gave you those -Orders?--The Countess is too much indisposed to come out; -let them, therefore, be played off in front of the Castle, -facing her Windows--(_Aside_)--The Rascal was going to set -fire to my Place of Rendezvous! (_Exeunt_). - - - _Manent_ FIGARO _and_ MARCELINA. - -_Figaro._ How attentive he is to his Wife. - -_Marcelina._ {{“It is necessary”}}--My dear Figaro, -{{“I should undeceive thee respecting my former false -accusations of Susan--Basil has always told me she -obstinately refused to listen to the Count’s Overtures, -and”}} I am both sorry and ashamed to have excited thy -Jealousy. - -_Figaro._ Oh, be under no apprehensions, my dear Mother; -Jealousy is the foolish Child of Pride, the Disease of a -Madman--My Philosophy is invulnerable to its poisonous -Arrows. (_Figaro turns and sees Agnes just behind him, -coming down the Stage_).--So! What you have been listening, -my little inquisitive Cousin? - -_Agnes._ Oh, no; they tell me that is not polite. - -_Figaro._ Then what’s your errand?--He is not here. - -_Agnes._ Who? - -_Figaro._ Hannibal. - -_Agnes._ Oh, I know that very well--I know where he is--I -want my Cousin Susan. - -_Figaro._ Aye!--And what do you want with her? - -_Agnes._ Not much; only to give her a Pin. - -_Figaro._ (_Starts_) A Pin! (_Striding about in great -anger_) A Pin!--And how dare you, you little Hussey, -undertake such Messages?--What! Have you learnt your -trade already?--(_Marcelina makes a sign to Figaro, -who recollects himself, and endeavours to disguise his -feelings_)--Come, come, my pretty Cousin, don’t be -frighten’d, I was but in joke--I--I--I know all about it; -it’s a Pin that my Lord has sent by you to Susan. - -_Agnes._ Since you know so well, why need you ask me then? - -_Figaro._ (_Coaxing_) Only to hear what my Lord said when -he sent thee on this errand. - -_Agnes._ Here, said he, here, my pretty little Agnes, take -this Pin to thy Cousin Susan, and tell her it is the Seal -of the new Song about the Twilight and the Pavilion. - -_Figaro._ And the---- - -_Agnes._ The Pavilion--And take great care, said he, that -nobody sees thee. - -_Figaro._ Well, well, I was but joking; go and execute thy -Message faithfully, exactly as my Lord bade thee. - -_Agnes._ Law! My Cousin takes me for a Ninny, I believe. -(_Exit skipping_). - -_Figaro._ So, my Mother! - -_Marcelina._ So, my Son! - -_Figaro._ Here’s a sweet Daughter!--A delightful -Bride!--And will be a most virtuous Wife!----(_Walking up -and down with great agitation_)----A false--Deceitful--I’m -happy, however, I have found her out--I will detect, -expose, and abandon her! - -_Marcelina._ Nay, but gently, my Son, gently; recollect -that Jealousy is the disease of a Madman, and that your -Philosophy is invulnerable.--Fie! fie!--All this passion -about a Pin! - -_Figaro._ A Pin that has wounded me to the heart!--Didn’t -we see the Count pick it up? - -_Marcelina._ We did so; but how can we tell whether she -means to deceive thee or him?--Art thou sure she will go to -the Rendezvous; and wilt thou condemn her without hearing -her? - -_Figaro._ I am sorry--I am a Fool--And yet!--If she should -be false! - -_Marcelina._ Nay, but my dear Figaro---- - -_Figaro._ Well, well; I will be calm--Yes, my amorous -Count, you will at least meet with somebody you don’t -expect--If you do not make haste we shall be at the -Pavilion, as soon as your Lordship! - - (_Exeunt_). - - -The End of ACT IV. - - - - -ACT V. - - -SCENE, _the Garden_, - -_With walks of cut trees in the back ground, and two -Pavilions, one on each side of the stage_. - - - _Enter_ AGNES. (_A lanthorn in one hand, and two cakes - and an orange in the other_) - -_Agnes._ The Pavilion to the left? Ay, that’s it.--But if -he should not come soon!--He has not half learnt me my part -yet--Poor thing, he hasn’t eat any thing all day; and the -cross, good-for-nothing Cook would not give me a morsel for -him; so I was obliged to ask the Butler for these Cakes and -this Orange:--It cost me a good kiss on the cheek, but I -know who’ll repay--Oh dear, here’s somebody coming!-- - - - _Enter_ FIGARO, _disguised in a red Rocquelaure_; Doctor - Bartholo, Don Guzman, Basil, Antonio. _Figaro imagines - at first Agnes to be Susan; and, as it is too dark to - see, endeavours to follow the sound of her voice, having - entered while she was speaking. Agnes enters the Pavilion - on the left._ - -_Figaro._ I was mistaken, ’tis Agnes! (_They all grope down -the stage till they get round Figaro_) What a clock is it? - -_Antonio._ Almost near the moon’s rising. - -_Basil._ What a gloomy night. - -_Doctor._ We look like so many Conspirators. - -_Figaro._ You understand, Gentlemen, why you are come -hither--It is to be Witnesses of the Conduct of the -virtuous Bride I am soon to espouse, and the honourable -Lord who has graciously bestowed her upon me. - -_Basil._ (_Aside_) This will be a precious Revenge. - -_Doctor._ Remember, Figaro, a wise Man has never any -Contest with the Great; it is the Battle of Don Quixote -with the Windmills; they whirl and dash you to a Distance, -without once altering or retarding their Course. - -_Figaro._ Rather remember they have not courage to oppress -any but Cowards. - -_Doctor._ He’s mad. - -_Guzman._ Ye-e-es, he is ma-a-ad. - -_Antonio._ But what about? - -_Basil._ A certain Rendezvous;--Come this way, and I’ll -tell you the whole. - -_Figaro._ Hide yourselves hereabouts, and come running the -Moment you hear me call. - -_Doctor._ He is turning Fool. - -_Guzman._ Ye-e-es, he’s turning foo-oo-ool--Stay and take -ca-are of him. - - (_Exeunt._ - - - _Manent_ Figaro _and_ Doctor. - -{{_Figaro._ “Oh Woman, Woman, Woman! Inconstant, weak, -deceitful Woman!--But each Animal is obliged to follow the -instinct of its Nature; and it is thine to betray!----What, -after swearing this very Morning to remain for ever -Faithful; and on the identical Day! The bridal Day!---- - -_Doctor._ “Patience. - -_Figaro._ “I even saw her laugh with Delight, while he read -her Billet!----They think themselves secure, but perhaps -they yet may be deceived.”}}----No, my very worthy Lord and -Master, you have not got her yet.--What! Because you are -a great Man, you fancy yourself a great Genius.--{{“Which -way?--How came you to be the rich and mighty Count -Almaviva? Why truly, you gave yourself the Trouble to -be born! While the obscurity in which I have been cast -demanded more Abilities to gain a mere Subsistence than -are requisite to govern Empires. And what, most noble -Count, are your Claims to Distinction, to pompous Titles, -and immense Wealth, of which you are so proud, and which, -by Accident, you possess? For which of your Virtues? Your -Wisdom? Your Generosity? Your Justice?--The Wisdom you have -acquired consists in vile Arts, to gratify vile Passions; -your Generosity is lavished on your hireling Instruments, -but whose Necessities make them far less Contemptible than -yourself; and your Justice is the inveterate Persecution -of those who have the Will and the Wit to resist your -Depredations.”}} But this has ever been the Practice of the -_little_ Great; those they cannot degrade, they endeavour -to crush. - -_Doctor._ Be advised, Figaro--be calm--there has ever been -a Respect paid-- - -_Figaro._ To Vice--where it is not due.--Shame light on -them that pay it. - -_Doctor._ Consider, he is---- - -_Figaro._ A Lord--and I am--a Man!--Yes, I am a Man, -but the nocturnal Spells of that enchantress Woman, -soon shall make me a Monster. {{“Why, what an Ass am -I!--Acting here the idiot part of a (_Strikes his -forehead_)--a--Husband--Altho’ I am but half finished.”}} - - (_Agnes peers out of the Pavilion, and - approaches a little way to listen_.) - -_Agnes._ Is that Hannibal? - -_Doctor._ I hear somebody! (_Agnes hears the voice of the -Doctor, and runs in again_) I will retire, but if you are -wise, you will wait the Event patiently; your suspicions -may be unjust,--should they prove real, then shake her from -you, as her Ingratitude deserves. - - (_Exit_. - -_Figaro._ {{“Oh, how easy it is for the prayer mumbling -Priest to bid the Wretch on the Rack suffer patiently. -(_Figaro listens_) I hear nothing--all is silent--and -dark as their designs. (_Figaro pulls off his Roquelaure, -and throws it on a Garden-bench_) Why, what a Destiny -is mine--Am I for ever doom’d to be the foot-ball of -Fortune?--Son of I knew not who, stol’n I knew not how, -and brought up to I knew not what, lying and thieving -excepted, I had the sense, tho’ young, to despise a life -so base, and fled such infernal Tutors. My Genius, tho’ -cramp’d, could not be totally subdued, and I spent what -little time and money I could spare in Books and Study. -Alas! it was but time and money thrown away. Desolate -in the world, unfriended, unprotected, my poor stock of -knowledge not being whip’d into me by the masculine hic -hæc hoc hand of a School-master, I could not get Bread, -much less Preferment.----Disheartened by the failure -of all my projects, I yet had the audacity to attempt -a Comedy, but as I had the still greater audacity to -attack the favorite Vice of the favorite Mistress, of the -favorite Footman of the favorite Minister, I could not -get it licensed.--It happened about that time, that the -fashionable Question of the day was an enquiry into the -real and imaginary Wealth of Nations; and, as it is not -necessary to possess the thing you write about, I, with -lank Cheeks, pennnyless Purse, and all the simplicity -of a Boy, or a Philosopher, freely described the true -causes of national Poverty: when suddenly I was awaken’d -in my bed at Mid-night, and entrusted to the tender care -of his Catholic Majesty’s Mirmidons, whose Magic-power -caused the heavy gates of an old Castle to fly open at -my approach, where I was graciously received, lodged, -and ornamented, according to the fashion of the place, -and provided with Straw, and Bread, and Water gratis. My -ardor for Liberty sufficiently cool’d. I was once more -turned adrift into the wide World, with leave to provide -Straw and Bread and Water for myself.--On this my second -birth, I found all Madrid in Raptures, concerning a most -generous Royal Edict, lately published, in favor of the -Liberty of the Press: and I soon learnt, that, provided -I neither spoke of the Wealth of Nations in my writings, -nor of the Government, nor of Religion, nor of any -Corporate-Companies, nor offended the favorite Mistress -of the Minister’s favorite Footman, nor said any one -thing which could be twisted into a reference, or hint, -derogatory to any one Individual, who had more powerful -friends than I had, I was at liberty to write, freely, all, -and whatever I pleased, under the inspection of some two -or three Censors!----Soon after this, a Place happened to -be vacant, which required a person well acquainted with -Calculation; I offered my Services; my Abilities were -not questioned; I waited, in anxious expectation of the -Event, and, in three days, learnt it had been bestowed, -two days before, upon a Dancing-master.--Persecuted by -Creditors, tired of starving, and unable, through the -feebleness of Youth to sustain so unequal a Struggle, I -had the weakness, at last, to sink before Temptation, -and set up a Pharaoh Bank. And now, for once, behold the -Scene changed! See me equally familiar with Lords as with -their Lacquies! Every door was open to me! Every hand -held out! But, notwithstanding my desire to be Something -in this world, my detestation of the brazen Effrontery, -profound Ignorance, and insupportable Insolence of these -fashionable Friends of Nobility was so innate that I found -I could better endure all the Miseries of Poverty than the -Disgrace and Disgust of such Society.--Quitting, therefore, -with contempt this new Trade, and leaving false Shame -behind me, as a burthen too heavy for a Foot-passenger, -I once more took up my strap and hone, and travelled for -employment from Town to Town.----At Seville I found a -Lord mad to marry his Mistress; my Wit procured him what -his could not, a Wife; and, in return, he gratefully -endeavours to Seduce mine--Strange concatenation of -circumstance! My Parents all at once claim me!--’Tis he, -’tis she, ’tis me, ’tis--I don’t know who!--I came into -the world without my Knowledge, and I shall go out on’t -without my Will; and thus do I continue to torment myself -about this Being of mine, without understanding what this -Being is, what it was, what it shall be, whence it came, -where it is, or whither it shall go.--I only know it to -be a compound of Contradictions! A little, wise, foolish -Animal, ardent in the pursuit of Pleasure, capricious -through Vanity, laborious from Necessity, but indolent by -Choice. After having exhausted every Art for enjoyment, -and every Profession for a livelihood, I found myself -intoxicated by a heavenly Illusion, that has vanish’d at -my approach!--Vanished!--And is it vanish’d?”}}--Oh Susan! -Susan! - - (_Figaro sinks melancholy upon the garden-seat; - but being suddenly roused by a noise, wraps - himself up in his Rocquelaure._ - - - _Enter softly, in each other’s dress, the_ COUNTESS _and_ - SUSAN, _followed by_ MARCELINA. - -_Susan._ So Figaro is to be here. (_In an under voice_) - -_Marcelina._ He is here. - -_Susan._ Thus one is come to lay the Springe, and the other -to seize the Game. - -_Marcelina._ I will go and hide myself in this Pavilion, -where I shall hear all. - - (_Exit into the Pavilion on the left._) - -_Susan._ We may begin. (_Speaks louder_) If my Lady does -not want me, I will walk and enjoy the fresh air. - -_Figaro._ Oh, the Cocatrice. - -_Countess._ It may give thee cold. - -_Susan._ Oh no, my Lady. - -_Figaro._ Oh no! She’ll not take cold to-night. (_Aside_). - - _Susan retires a little towards the Pavilion on - the left; Hannibal is heard singing, and, as - he enters, perceives the Countess, in Susan’s - dress._ - -_Page._ Is that Agnes, yonder? (_He approaches_) By her -long Lappets and white Feathers, it must be Susan. (_Comes -up and takes hold of the Countess’s hand_. Ah, my dear -Susan! - -_Countess._ Let me go. (_In a feigned voice._) - -_Page._ Come, Come; don’t be so coy. I know it is not -Figaro you are waiting for, it is my Lord the Count--What! -Did not I hear, this Morning, when I was behind the great -Chair? - -_Susan._ (_Aside_). The babbling little Villain. - - - _Enter the_ COUNT _behind, and hears the Page_. - -_Count._ Is not that somebody with Susan?--(_Advances close -up to them, and draws back in a fury_).--’Tis that infernal -Page again. - - (_Susan keeps out of the way and silently - laughing._) - -_Page._ ’Tis in vain to say no:--Since thou art going to be -the Representative of the Countess, I am determined to give -the one kiss for thyself, and a hundred for thy beauteous -Lady. - -{{_Susan._ (_Aside_). “As impudent as a Page, says the -Proverb.”}} - - (_The Countess draws back to avoid being - kissed by the Page, and the Count advances and - presents himself in her place; the Page feels - the rough beard of the Count, and suddenly - retreats, crying in an under voice_)--Oh, the - Devil!--The Count again! - - (_Exit Page into the Pavilion on the left._) - - (_While this passes, Figaro likewise advances - to drive the Page from Susan; meanwhile the - Count, on the Page’s supposed next approach, - prepares to give him a proper reception_). - -_Count._ (_Thinking he speaks to the Page_). Since you are -so fond of kissing, take that. (_Gives Figaro a severe box -on the ear_). - -_Figaro._ I have paid for listening. (_Susan cannot contain -herself, but bursts out a laughing_). - -_Count._ (_Hears her laugh_). Why this is -inconceiveable!--Do such Salutations make the impudent -Rascal laugh? - -_Figaro._ It would be strange if he should cry this time. -(_Aside_). - - (_Count and Countess approach_). - -_Count._ But let us not lose the precious moments, my -charming Susan!--Let these Kisses speak my ardour! (_Kisses -the Countess several times with rapture_). - -_Figaro._ (_Aside, and beating his forehead_). Oh! Oh! Oh! - -_Count._ Why dost thou tremble? - -_Countess._ (_Continuing her feigned voice_). Because I am -afraid. - -_Count._ Thou seemest to have got a cold. (_Takes the -Countess’s hand between his own, and amorously strokes -and kisses her fingers_). What a sweet, delicate, Angel’s -hand!--How smooth and soft!--How long and small the -fingers!--What pleasure in the touch!--Ah! How different is -this from the Countess’s hand!-- - -_Countess._ (_Sighing_). And yet you loved her once. - -_Count._ Yes--Yes--I did so--But three Years of -better Acquaintance has made the Marriage-state so -respectable--And then Wives are so loving--when they _do_ -love, that is--that one is surprised when in search of -Pleasure, to find Satiety. - -_Countess._ Pleasure?--Love! - -_Count._ Oh, no; Love is but the Romance of the Heart; -Pleasure is its History--As for thee, my dear Susan, add -but one grain more of Caprice to thy Composition and thou -wilt make one of the most enticing, teazing, agreeable -Mistresses. - -_Countess._ ’Tis my Duty to oblige my Lord. - -_Figaro._ Her Duty!-- - -_Count._ Yes--Women’s Duties are unlimited--They owe -all--Men nothing. - -_Countess._ Nothing? - -_Count._ It is not our Faults; ’tis the law of Nature--And -then Wives think to ensure our fidelity by being always -Wives--Whereas they should sometimes become---- - -_Countess._ What? - -_Count._ Our Mistresses----I hope thou wilt not forget this -Lesson. - -_Countess._ Oh no, indeed, not I. - -_Susan._ (_Aloud_). Nor I. - -_Figaro._ (_Aloud_). Nor I. - -_Count._ (_Astonished_). Are there Echoes here? - -_Countess._ Oh, yes. - -_Count._ And now, my sweet Susan, receive the Portion I -promised thee. (_Gives a purse and puts a ring upon her -finger_)--And continue likewise to wear this Ring for my -sake. - -_Countess._ Susan accepts your Favors. - -_Figaro._ (_Aside_). Was there ever so faithless a Hussey? - -_Susan._ (_Aside_). These riches are all for us! (_Still -keeps chuckling very heartily at what is going forwards._) - -_Countess._ I perceive Torches. - -_Count._ They are preparatory to thy Nuptials. (_the -Countess pretends to be afraid_). Come, come, let us retire -for a moment into the Pavilion. - -_Countess._ What! In the dark? - -_Count._ Why not? There are no Spirits. - -_Figaro._ (_Aside_). Yes, but there are; and evil ones -too. (_Countess follows the Count_). She is going!----Hem! -(_Figaro hem’s in a great passion_). - -_Count._ (_Raising his voice majesterially_). Who goes -there! - -_Figaro._ A man. - -_Count._ (_Aside to the Countess_). It’s Figaro! - - (_The Countess enters the Pavilion on the right - hand and the Count retires_). - -_Figaro._ (_Desperate_). They are gone in. (_Walks about_). -Let her go.--Let her go! - -_Susan._ (_Aside._) Thou shalt pay presently for these fine -Suspicions. (_Susan advances and mimics the voice of the -Countess_). Who is that? - -_Figaro._ ’Tis the Countess (_Aside_).--What lucky Chance -conducted you hither, Madam--You know not what Scenes are -this moment transacting. - -_Susan._ Oh yes, but I do, Figaro. - -_Figaro._ What! That the Count and my very virtuous Bride -are this moment in yonder Pavilion Madam! - -_Susan._ (_Aside_). Very well, my Gentleman!--I know more -than thou dost. - -_Figaro._ And will you not be revenged? - -_Susan._ Oh yes, we always have our Revenge in our own -power. - -_Figaro._ (_Aside_). What does she mean?--Perhaps what I -suspect--Why that would be a glorious Retaliation.--(_To -Susan._) There is no Means but one, Madam, of revenging -such Wrongs; that now presents itself. - -_Susan._ (_Jealous_) What does the good-for-nothing Fellow -mean? (_Speaks in a tone of compliance to Figaro_). Does it -Figaro? - -_Figaro._ Pardon my Presumption, Madam! On any other -occasion, the Respect I bear your Ladyship would keep me -silent, but on the present I dare encounter all! (_Falls on -his knees_). Oh, excuse, forgive me, Madam; but let not -the precious moments slip!--Grant me your hand. - -_Susan._ (_Unable any longer to contain herself gives him -a slap on the face_). Take it. - -_Figaro._ I have it, I think!--The Devil! This is the Day -of Stripes! - -_Susan._ Susan gives it thee (_as soon as Figaro hears -it is Susan, his satisfaction is so extreme, he laughs -very heartily, and keeps laughing all the while she keeps -beating him_) and that, and that, and that, and that for -thy Insolence--And that for thy Jealousy--And that for thy -Infidelity. - - (_Susan out of breath, Figaro still laughing._) - -_Figaro._ Oh happy Figaro--Take thy Revenge, my dear, kind, -good Angel; Never did Man or Martyr suffer with such Extacy! - -_Susan._ Don’t tell me of your Extacy! How durst you, you -good for nothing, base, false-hearted Man, make love to me, -supposing me the Countess. - -_Figaro._ I must bring myself off, (_aside_)--Dost think I -could mistake the music of my Susan’s Voice? - -_Susan._ What, you pretend you knew me then? - -_Figaro._ Pretend! Canst thou doubt it? - -_Susan._ And this was a Trick upon me!--But I’ll be -revenged. - -_Figaro._ Talk not of Revenge, my Love, but tell me what -blest Angel sent thee hither, and how thou camest by this -Disguise, which so fully proves thy Innocence! - -{{_Susan._ “I could find in my Heart not to tell thee; but -know, to thy Confusion, it is my Lady’s; and that, coming -to catch one Fox, we have entrapped two! - -_Figaro._ “But who has taken the other? - -_Susan._ “His Wife. - -_Figaro._ “His Wife!--Go and hang thyself, Figaro--Go and -hang thyself, for wanting the Wit to divine this Plot!--And -has all this intriguing been about his Wife? - -_Susan._ “_Yes, about his Wife._ - -_Figaro._ (_a little suspicious_) “But who did the Page -kiss? - -_Susan._ “The Count. - -_Figaro._ “The Count! Ha! ha! ha! that is excellent, -(_Resuming his gravity_) But who did the Count kiss? - -_Susan._ “The Countess. - -_Figaro._ “Ay, but who did he kiss this Morning----behind -the great Chair? - -_Susan._ (_Gravely_) “Nobody. - -_Figaro._ “Art thou--quite sure?”}} - -_Susan._ (_Holding out her Hand_) Dost thou want another -Proof? - -_Figaro._ Ah! Thine are but proofs of Love--That of the -Count, indeed, was not so gentle. - - - _Enter_ COUNT _behind_. - -_Count._ ’St--’st! Susan!--Susan! - -_Figaro._ (_Aside to Susan_) A lucky thought strikes me; -prithee second me, Susan, (_Speaks in a feigned Voice, -falls on his Knees and kisses Susan’s Hand_)--Ah Madam! Let -us not longer converse of Love, but enjoy it’s Treasures. - -_Count._ What’s here! A Man on his Knees to the -Countess!--(_Feels for his Sword, they keep silently -laughing_) And I unarm’d! - -_Figaro._ (_Acting the Petit Maitre_) Upon my honour, -Madam, I could not have supposed Timidity should make you -hesitate a moment. - -_Count._ (_Furiously_) So this is our Dressing-room -Gentleman, at last! I shall know all at least, -now--(_Figaro kisses her hand again._) Oh Rage! Oh Hell! - -_Susan._ How delightfully he swears. - -_Figaro._ (_Figaro and Susan still inwardly laughing_) -Quickly then, Madam, let us repair the wrong which Love -this Morning suffered at the impertinent intrusion of your -Lord. - -_Count._ This is not to be borne. - - (_Darts between them, seizes Figaro by the - Collar, while Susan escapes into the Pavilion - on the left._) - -_Figaro_ (_Pretends amazement_) My Lord! - -_Count._ How! Rascal! And is it you!--Hollo--Hollo--Who -hears? - - - _Enter blundering in the dark, and in a great hurry, the - COURIER, who had been to Seville after the Page._ - -_Courier._ Here!--Here!--Here am I, my Lord! Just arrived -from Seville! But he is not there! I might as well have -sought for this Page in my pocket! Here is the Packet again. - -_Count._ Stand out of the way, Rascal----Hollo!--Where are -my People? Lights! Lights! - -_Courier._ What’s my Lord afraid of? Is there not Mr. -Figaro and I? - - - _Enter Flambeaux, Don_ GUZMAN, _Dr._ BARTHOLO, ANTONIO, - BASIL, _and Servants_. - -_Count._ (_To the Servants_) Guard that Door and some of -you seize this Fellow. - -_Figaro._ You command, with absolute Authority, over all -present, my Lord, except yourself. - -{{_Count._ “The Villain’s impenetrable, cool Impudence is -intolerable. - -_Figaro._ “We are not Soldiers, that we should kill one -another without Malice: for my part, I like to know why I -am angry.”}} - -_Count._ Be pleased, Sir, to declare, before this Company, -who the--the--Woman is that just now ran into that Pavilion. - -_Figaro._ Into that--(_Going to cross to the Pavilion on -the right._) - -_Count._ (_Stopping him_) No, prevaricating Fiend; into -that. (_Pointing to the other._) - -_Figaro._ Ah! That alters the Case. - -_Count._ Answer, or-- - -{{_Figaro._ “The Lady that escaped into that Pavilion? - -_Count._ “Ay, Demon, the Lady.”}} - -_Figaro._ The Lady {{“that escaped into that Pavilion,”}} -is a young Lady to whom my Lord once paid his Addresses, -but who, happening to love me more than my Betters, has -this day yielded me the Preference. - -_Count._ The Preference!--The Preference!--he does not lie -at least.----Yes, Gentlemen, what he confesses, I pledge -my Honour I just have heard from the very mouth of his -Accomplice! - -_Guzman._ His Accomplice! - -_Count._ Come forth, Madam! (_Enters the Pavilion._) - -_Basil._ Which of these two has made a--Gentleman of the -other. - -_Figaro._ Perhaps neither. - -_Count._ (_In the Pavilion._) Come forth, I say, shew -yourself. (_Enter, dragging out the_ PAGE, _still speaking, -and not looking at him till he gets on a line with the rest -of the Company_.) Happily, Madam, there is no Pledge of a -Union, now so justly detested.---- - -_Omnes._ The Page! - -_Guzman._ (_After all the rest._) The Pa-a-age! - -_Count._ Again! And again! And everlastingly this damn’d, -diabolical Page. (_Page flies to the other side of the -stage._) You shall find, however, he was not alone. - -_Page._ Ah, no! My lot would have been hard indeed then. - -_Count._ Enter Antonio, and drag the guilty Thing before -her Judge. - -_Antonio._ (_In the Pavilion._) Come, Madam, you must come -out; I must not let you go since my Lord knows you are here. - - - _Enter with his Daughter_, AGNES. - -_Omnes._ Agnes! - -_Guzman._ A-A-Agnes! - -_Antonio._ Odzooks, my Lord, its a pleasant Trick, enough, -to send me in, before all these good Folks, for my Daughter. - -_Count._ I’ll find her, I warrant. (_Going._) - -_Doctor._ (_Stopping the Count._) Pardon me, my Lord, but -you are too angry at present; let me go. - - (_Exit Doctor to the Pavilion._) - -_Guzman._ This Cause is very perplex’d. - -_Doctor._ (_Entering with Marcelina._) Fear nothing, Madam, -fear nothing. - -_Omnes._ Marcelina! - -_Figaro._ My Mother too! Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! - -_Count._ Where then is this Daughter of Infamy thus evades -my just Fury? - - - _Enter_ SUSAN, _with her Fan before her face_. - -Here she comes, at last; bearing her own Shame and my -Dishonour. (_Susan kneels to him, still hiding her Face._) - -_Omnes._ Pardon, pardon, gracious Lord! - -_Count._ No! No! No! (_They all fall on their knees._) No! -No! Were the World to kneel I would be deaf. - - - _Enter the_ COUNTESS _from the Pavilion on the right, and - kneels to the Count, whose back is turned to her_. - -_Countess._ At least I will make one of the Number. - - (_Susan drops her fan, the Count hears the - voice of the Countess, looks round, and - suddenly conceives the whole Trick they have - been playing him. All the Company burst into a - laugh: the Count’s shame, confusion, &c._) - -_Guzman._ (_Laughing stupidly_) Ha! ha! ha! ha! ’Tis the -Countess! - -_Count._ (_With great humility._) And--is it you my Lady? - -_Countess._ (_Inclines her body in token of Affirmation._) - -_Count._ (_Returning her bow with great confusion._) -Ah!--Yes!--Yes! A generous pardon--tho’ unmerited.---- - -_Countess._ Were you in my place, you would exclaim, No! -No! No! But I grant it without a single Stipulation. - -_Susan._ And I. - -_Figaro._ And I.--There are Echoes here. - -_Count._ (_Surprised_) I perceive--I perceive----I have -been rightly served. - -_Countess._ Here, Susan, here is the Purse and Ring, which -my Lord gave thee. He will remember thy sweet delicate -Fingers, so long and so small. - -_Susan._ Thank your Lordship--Here Figaro. - - (_Gives him the Purse._ - -_Figaro._ It was devilish hard to get at-- - -_Count._ (_To Susan_) And the Letter you wrote-- - -_Susan._ Was dictated by my Lady. - -_Count._ (_Smiling good naturedly._) Well, well! I am an -Answer in her Debt. - -_Figaro._ Thus every Man shall have his own. - -_Bounce._ And shall we throw the Stocking? - -_Countess._ There is the Garter. - - (_Throws down the Riband Hannibal had stolen in - the Morning; Bounce is going to stoop for it, - and the Page pushes him back._) - -_Page._ This is my Right, and if any one dare dispute it -with me---- - -_Count._ Indeed! Mr. Officer--So bold a Champion -already!--Pray how did your Valour like the Box on the Ear -I gave you just now? - -_Page._ (_With his Hand to his Sword_) Me! My Colonel? - -_Figaro._ Which I kindly received. - -_Count._ Thou! - -_Figaro._ I--And thus do the Great distribute Justice. - -_Count._ (_laughing_) Well, Mr. President, (_Don Guzman -instantly calls up all his Wisdom on finding himself -addressed_) what do you think of all these things? - -_Guzman._ Thi-ink, my Lord? (_Considers_) I--I think -that--I do-o-on’t know what to think. - -_Figaro._ I think, a few such Days as this would form an -excellent Ambassador--But lately I was a poor, deserted, -solitary Being, in this wide World, and now I have Gold, -Relations, and a handsome Wife---- - -_Doctor._ And Friends will flock in abundance. - -_Figaro._ Do you think so? - -_Doctor._ Oh I know so. - -_Figaro._ Well, let them, they shall be welcome to all I -have--My Wife and my Wealth excepted. - -_Susan._ - - Our Errors past, and all our Follies done, - Oh! That ’twere possible you might be won - To pardon Faults, and Misdemeanors smother, - With the same ease we pardon One-another! - So should we rest, To-night, devoid of Sorrow, - And hope to meet you, joyously, To-morrow. - - -THE END. - - - - - TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE - - A few obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors - have been corrected after careful comparison with other - occurrences within the text and consultation of external - sources. - - Except for those changes noted below, all misspellings in - the text, and inconsistent or archaic usage, have been - retained. - - Pg 10: Speaker name ‘Marcelino’ replaced by ‘Marcelina’. - Pg 17: ‘Gardiner’s daughter’ replaced by ‘Gardener’s daughter’. - Pg 17: ‘my drunken Gardiner’ replaced by ‘my drunken Gardener’. - Pg 18: ‘wish hm so much’ replaced by ‘wish him so much’. - Pg 21: ‘young Hanibal the’ replaced by ‘young Hannibal the’. - Pg 25: ‘COUNTESS’s Bed-Chmber’ replaced by - ‘COUNTESS’s Bed-Chamber’. - Pg 27: ‘by the Pavillion’ replaced by ‘by the Pavilion’. - Pg 29: ‘will not, Marcellina’ replaced by ‘will not, Marcelina’. - Pg 43: ‘you malicicious little’ replaced by - ‘you malicious little’. - Pg 45: ‘the Gardiner, with’ replaced by ‘the Gardener, with’. - Pg 48: ‘and eadeavours to’ replaced by ‘and endeavours to’. - Pg 50: Speaker name ‘Antanio’ replaced by ‘Antonio’. - Pg 64: ‘Angelica-Mustacio’ replaced by ‘Angelica-Mustachio’. - Pg 64: ‘Gentleman who are’ replaced by ‘Gentlemen who are’. - Pg 66: ‘Again, the the word’ replaced by ‘Again, the word’. - Pg 76: ‘honest ple’ replaced by ‘honest people’. - Pg 83: ‘Girl, ealed with’ replaced by ‘Girl, sealed with’. - Pg 90: Missing speaker name ‘Agnes’ inserted. - Pg 92: ‘those who who have’ replaced by ‘those who have’. - - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 64953 *** diff --git a/old/64953-h/64953-h.htm b/old/64953-h/64953-h.htm deleted file mode 100644 index f275c3e..0000000 --- a/old/64953-h/64953-h.htm +++ /dev/null @@ -1,6421 +0,0 @@ -<!DOCTYPE html> -<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> -<head> - <meta charset="UTF-8"> - <title> - The Follies of a Day, or, The Marriage of Figaro | Project Gutenberg - </title> - <link rel="icon" href="images/cover.jpg" type="image/x-cover"> - <style> /* <![CDATA[ */ - -body { - margin-left: 10%; 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- text-align: center; - page-break-inside: avoid; - max-width: 100%;} - - -/* Poetry */ -.poetry-container {text-align: center;} -.poetry {text-align: left; margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 5%;} -.poetry {display: inline-block; font-size: 100%} -.poetry .stanza {margin: 1em auto;} -.poetry .verse {text-indent: -3em; padding-left: 3em;} -.poetry .indentq {text-indent: -3.5em;} - -/* large inline blocks don't split well on paged devices */ -.x-ebookmaker .poetry {display: block; margin-left: 4.5em;} - - -/* Transcriber's notes */ -.transnote {background-color: #E6E6FA; - color: black; - font-size:90%; - padding:0.5em; - margin-bottom:5em; - font-family:sans-serif, serif; } - -.transnote p {text-indent: 0em;} - - -/* custom cover (cover.jpg) */ -.customcover {visibility: hidden; display: none;} -.x-ebookmaker .customcover {visibility: visible; display: block;} - -/* Poetry indents */ -.poetry .indent0 {text-indent: -3em;} -.poetry .indent2 {text-indent: -2em;} -.poetry .indent2h {text-indent: -1.5em;} - .x-ebookmaker .indent2h {text-indent: -3em;} -.poetry .indent3 {text-indent: -1em;} - .x-ebookmaker .indent3 {text-indent: 0em;} -.poetry .indent6 {text-indent: 0em;} - -/* Illustration classes */ -.illowe17 {width: 17em;} -.illowp60 {width: 60%;} - - - </style> - </head> - -<body> -<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 64953 ***</div> - -<div class="transnote"> -<p class="bold">TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE</p> - -<p>Original stage directions were usually in italic and placed in -parentheses ( ). A few inconsistencies—no closing parenthesis, use -of [ instead of (, no italic—have been left unchanged.</p> - -<p>Stage directions were usually right-aligned with varying indentation -on the left, sometimes beginning on the same line as the dialog, -sometimes on a new line. This etext generally puts them on a new -right-aligned line(s) with an indentation on the left of several spaces. -They have been kept in-line with the dialog when it made sense to do so.</p> - -<p>As noted under the list of <a href="#DRAM">Dramatis Personæ</a> ‘The -Passages put between inverted Commas are omitted in the -Representation’—meaning that this marked dialog was -omitted by the actors in the Theatre-Royal production -of the play. These passages are marked with <span class="omitted">a -small font and bold weighting</span> in this etext. The inverted commas -are shown as opening and closing double quotes: <span class="nowrap">“ and ”.</span> -Redundant inverted commas at the beginning of lines have -been removed.</p> - -<p>The original text used the longform ſ, replaced here by the modern s.</p> - -<p>The Table of Contents has been created and inserted by the transcriber.</p> - -<p class="customcover">The cover image was created by the transcriber -and is placed in the public domain.</p> - -<p>Some minor corrections to the text are noted at <a href="#TN">the end of the book</a>.</p> -</div> - - -<div class="figcenter illowp60" id="act1" style="max-width: 25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/act1.jpg" alt=""> - <div class="caption transnote">Image of the first page of dialog<br>in the original 1785 book.</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="tpage"> - -<h1> -<span class="fs60 lsp2">THE</span><br> - -<span class="fs150">FOLLIES <span class="allsmcap">OF A</span> DAY;</span><br> - -<span class="fs60 lsp2">OR, THE</span><br> - -MARRIAGE <span class="allsmcap">OF</span> FIGARO.</h1> - -<p> -<span class="fs135">A COMEDY,</span><br> - -<span class="fs70 lsp">AS IT IS NOW PERFORMING AT THE</span><br> - -<span class="fs135">THEATRE-ROYAL,</span><br> - -<span class="fs120">COVENT-GARDEN.</span><br> - -<span class="fs70">FROM THE</span><br> - -<span class="fs100 lsp">FRENCH OF M. DE BEAUMARCHAIS.</span><br> - -<span class="fs135 lsp"><span class="smcap">By</span> THOMAS HOLCROFT.</span><br> -</p> -</div> - -<p class="pfs70 lsp lht">AUTHOR OF DUPLICITY, A COMEDY, THE NOBLE<br> -PEASANT, AN OPERA, &C. -</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowe17" id="i_sep"> - <img class="w100" src="images/i_sep.jpg" alt=""> -</div> - -<p class="pfs100 lsp2">LONDON:</p> - -<p class="pfs120">Printed for G. G. J. and J. <span class="lsp">ROBINSON</span>,<br> -<span class="smcap">Pater-noster Row</span>.</p> - -<p class="pfs80">M DCC LXXXV.</p> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> -<div class="chapter"> - -<h2 class="nobreak transnote" id="CONTENTS">TABLE OF CONTENTS.</h2> -</div> - - -<table class="autotable transnote"> -<tr> -<td class="tdl"><a href="#PROLOGUE">PROLOGUE,</a></td> -<td class="tdr">Page vii</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl"><a href="#ACT_I">ACT I.</a></td> -<td class="tdr">1</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl"><a href="#ACT_II">ACT II.</a></td> -<td class="tdr">25</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl"><a href="#ACT_III">ACT III.</a></td> -<td class="tdr">53</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl"><a href="#ACT_IV">ACT IV.</a></td> -<td class="tdr">74</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl"><a href="#ACT_V">ACT V.</a></td> -<td class="tdr">90</td> -</tr> -</table> - - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_iii"></a>[Pg iii]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="ADVERTISEMENT">ADVERTISEMENT.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="drop-capy">Though to thank the Public is to thank -nobody, since no particular Person takes -this Sort of Compliments to himself, yet -were I not to feel that Gratitude, which -individually I know not where to pay, I were -unworthy of past, of present, or of future -Favours.</p> - -<p>An Author’s Thanks to the World at -large may be seen under two very different -Aspects: For, to thank the Public is to tell -the Public he is successful; which, supposing -it true, it would be strange if they did not already -know; it appears therefore only to be -taking an Opportunity of indulging his Vanity: -And yet to thank them seems his -Duty, since his Silence might not only be -construed a want of Respect, but an arrogant -Self-confidence that, when they applauded or -approved his Work, they only did him justice. -The Reader must determine which of -these Faces he will please to view.</p> - -<p>I am so well convinced that the best Writer -stands in need of Indulgence, and that he<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_iv"></a>[iv]</span> -only does well by Comparison, and might -do much better, that I shall find little Mortification -in subscribing to the Opinions of -those who shall tell me I am in this latter -Predicament.</p> - -<p>Readers are divided into two Classes; the -one will allow an Author much more than -he merits, and the other much less; but -the principal Excellencies of <i>The Follies of a -Day</i> are so known to be another’s Right, -that for me to claim them would be ridiculous. -Some, however, have affirmed that it -is a mere Translation, who have never seen, -read, or heard the Original; if they had, indeed, -they would have been still more culpable. -Few will trouble themselves to examine -the precise Extent of my Claims; nor, -if they did, would they have an Opportunity -’till M. <i>de Beaumarchais</i> shall think proper to -publish <span class="smcap">La Folle Journée</span>. The Public -in general are so willing to overlook Defects, -and applaud wherever they can, that to complain -of, or be angry at the Few who seek for, -and wish to find, Errors only, can proceed alone -from that Self-love which is so inherent and<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_v"></a>[v]</span> -irritable in all bosoms, and so difficult to -subdue.</p> - -<p>To enumerate all the Obstacles encountered -and overcome in bringing this Comedy -on the English Stage, would be to indulge -this Vanity; which it is every wise Man’s -Pride, and every prudent Man’s Interest to -resist. It may, however, afford some Pleasure -to be informed, that, finding it impossible -to procure a Copy of the original French, -though a Journey to Paris was undertaken -expressly for that Purpose, the Copy made -use of in the composing <i>The Follies of a Day</i>, -was taken by Memory, only, during eight or -nine Representations; that I furnished the -Plot, Incidents, Entrances, and Exits, and -gave some other occasional Hints; that the -remainder was the Work of a young Frenchman, -whose Talents and whose Heart are -an Ornament and an Honour to his Country; -and that, after it was brought to <i>England</i> -and received by Mr. <i>Harris</i>, it was -translated, cast, copied, recopied, studied, -and, in one of its longest Parts, re-studied, -and played in little more than a Month.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_vi"></a>[vi]</span> -The Attention and Care of Mr. <i>Harris</i>, and -the Merits of the respective Performers in -playing, as they did, under such Circumstances, -need not my Encomiums. Had the -Town known the peculiar Exertions, of those -especially who performed the longest and most -essential Parts, the applause would have been -endless. From me they are justly entitled to -my warmest and sincerest Thanks.</p> - -<p class="p2"> -<span class="smcap">Upper Mary-le-Bone Street,<br> -<span class="pad4">Feb. 21, 1785.</span></span><br> -</p> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_vii"></a>[vii]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="PROLOGUE">PROLOGUE,</h2> -</div> - -<p class="center">Spoken by Mr. <span class="lsp">DAVIES</span>.</p> - - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="drop-capy indent3">To-night, a Child of Chance is hither brought,</div> - <div class="verse indent2h">Who could be neither <i>borrow’d</i>, <i>begg’d</i>, nor <i>bought</i>;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Nay, so alert was said to be the Droll,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Twas well affirm’d he was not to be <i>stole</i>;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But hence dispatch’d, back’d by Apollo’s warrant,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A messenger has <i>kidnapp’d</i> this Wag-errant;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Poetic Fugitive, has hither dragg’d him,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And, safely here arriv’d, has now ungagg’d him,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To plead before this Court, his whole amenance;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Where, should you sentence him to public Penance,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Oh, sad reverse! how would he foam and fret,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And sigh for Paris and his sweet <i>Soubrette</i>!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Where twice ten thousand tongues are proud to greet him,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And wing’d Applause, on tip-toe, stands to meet him;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Where the grim Guard, in nightly rapture, stands,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And grounds his musquet to get at his hands;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Where the retentive Pitt, all prone t’adore him,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Repeat his <i>Bon mots</i> half a bar before him;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">While every <i>Bel-Esprit</i>, at every hit,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Grows fifty-fold more conscious of his Wit.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent2">If <i>far fetch’d and dear bought</i> give Trifles worth,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Sure you’ll applaud our <span class="smcap">Figaro</span>’s second birth.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Nought of his present merit must we say;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Bear but in mind, <span class="allsmcap">OUR</span> Day’s a <span class="smcap">Spanish</span> Day.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Cupid, in warmer Climes, urg’d by the Grape,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Calls not each petty violence a Rape!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But oft his Votaries leaves intoxicate,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Hence <span class="smcap">Figaro</span> himself is illegitimate.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent2">Sanction’d by you, howe’er, this little Blot,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So much in fashion, will be soon forgot;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That Signature which each kind hand bestows,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Shall make him well receiv’d where’er he goes!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> -<h2 class="p2 nobreak fs135" id="DRAM">DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.</h2> -</div> - -<table class="autotable"> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Count Almaviva,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Lewis</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Don Guzman,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Quick</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Doctor Bartholo,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Wilson</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Figaro,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Bonnor</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Antonio,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Edwin</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Basil,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Wewitzer</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Doublefee,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Thompson</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Bounce,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Stevens</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Courier,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Jones</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Crier of the Court,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Bates</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Servant,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Newton</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Page,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mrs. <span class="smcap">Martyr</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr><td> </td><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td> </td><td> </td></tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Countess,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mrs. <span class="smcap">Bates</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Marcelina,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mrs. <span class="smcap">Webb</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Agnes,</td> -<td class="tdl">Miss <span class="smcap">Wewitzer</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Susan,</td> -<td class="tdl">Miss <span class="smcap">Younge</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr><td> </td><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td> </td><td> </td></tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdc" colspan="2">Counsellors, Guards, Vassals.</td> -</tr> -</table> - -<p class="p2 pad4 pfs120"><span class="fs120">☞</span> <i>The Passages put between inverted Commas are omitted -in the Representation.</i></p> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - - <div class="width30"> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_1"></a>[Pg 1]</span><br></p> - -<p class="p2 pfs120 lsp2">THE</p> - -<p class="p1 pfs240">FOLLIES <span class="allsmcap">OF A</span> DAY.</p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter illowe17" id="i_sep2"> - <img class="w100" src="images/i_sep.jpg" alt=""> -</div> - -<h2 class="nobreak lsp2" id="ACT_I">ACT I.</h2> - - -<p class="center">SCENE, the Castle of Count ALMAVIVA.</p> - -<p class="center"><span class="lsp">FIGARO</span> <i>and</i> <span class="lsp">SUSAN</span>.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Figaro measuring the chamber with a wand.</i>)</p> -</div> - - -<p><i>Figaro.</i></p> -<p class="moveup drop-capy">Eighteen feet by twenty-six, good.</p> - -<p class="p1"><i>Susan.</i> What art thou so busy about?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Measuring, to try if the bed our noble -Lord intends to give us will stand well here.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> In this chamber!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Yes.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I won’t lie in this chamber.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Why so?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I tell you I won’t lie in this chamber.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Well but——</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I don’t like it.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Your reason.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_2"></a>[2]</span></p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> What if I have no reason?—What if I -don’t chuse to give my reason?</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Ah, ah!—Thus it is when once they -think they have us fast.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Are you, or are you not my most obedient -very humble servant?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Your slave——(<i>Bows very low.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Oh!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “But wherefore take exception to the -most convenient room in the whole house?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Yes, yes!—The most convenient!—(<i>Satirically.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “If during the night my Lady should -be taken ill, she rings her bell, and crack!—in -two steps—thou art standing at her side.—In -the morning when my Lord wakes, he calls, -I start, and pop—three skips and I am there.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Very true—And in the morning when -my Lord has sent thee on some fine errand of an -hour long, he starts from his bed as soon as Mr. -Figaro’s back is turn’d, and crack!—in three -skips—he—(<i>significantly.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “He?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Yes—he——</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “(<i>Keeps rubbing his forehead and looking -at Susan.</i>) He!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “He!——Dost thou feel any thing?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “(<i>Presses his finger and thumb against his -forehead</i>) Buttons!—In pairs!——Mushrooms -sprout not so suddenly—Yes, yes—it’s a fruitful -spot.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Thou knowest how our <i>generous</i> Count -when he by thy help obtained Rosina’s hand, and -made her Countess of Almaviva, during the first -transports of love abolished a certain gothic -right——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_3"></a>[3]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Of sleeping the first night with every -Bride.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Which as Lord of the Manor he could -claim.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Know it!—To be sure I do, or I would -not have married even my charming Susan in his -Domain.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Tired of prowling among the rustic beauties -of the neighbourhood he returned to the -Castle—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And his wife.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And <i>thy</i> wife—(<i>Figaro stares</i>)—Dost thou -understand me?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Perfectly!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And endeavours, once more, secretly to -purchase from her, a right which he now most sincerely -repents he ever parted with.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Most gracious Penitent!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> This is what he hints to me every instant, -and this the faithful Basil, honest agent of -his pleasures, and my most noble music master, -every day repeats with my lesson.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Basil!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Basil.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Indeed! But if tough ashen plant or -supple-jack twine not round thy lazy sides, Rascal—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Ha, ha, ha! Why wert thou ever wise -enough to imagine the portion the Count intends -to give us was meant as a reward for thy services?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I think I had some reason to hope as -much.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Lord, lord! What great fools are you -men of wit!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I believe so.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I am sure so.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_4"></a>[4]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh that it were possible to deceive this -arch Deceiver, this Lord of mine! To lead him -into some excellent snare, pocket his gold and—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Hah! Now thou art in thy element—Gold -and intrigue—Plots and purses—But let him that -diggeth a pit beware he—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I’ll try—<span class="omitted">“The Lover’s jealousy and the -Husband’s shame shall not deter me”</span>—Your trick, -most noble Count, is common place—A thousand -blundering Boobies have had art enough to filch -a Wife from the side of her sleeping, simple, unsuspecting -Spouse, and if he complained, to redress -his injuries with a cudgel—But to turn the tables -on this Poacher, make him pay for a delicious -morsel he shall never taste, infect him with fears -for his own honor, to—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>The bell rings</i>) Hark! My Lady is awake—I -must run, for she has several times strictly -charged me to be the first at her bedside the morning -of my marriage.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Why the first?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> The old saying tells us, that to meet a -young Bride the first on the morning of her wedding-day -is lucky to a neglected wife. (<i>Going.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Prithee, my Susan, give me a kiss before -thou goest—It will quicken my wits, and lend imagination -a new impulse.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> To be sure!—But if I kiss my Lover to-day -what will my Husband say to me to-morrow? -(<i>seems to refuse, Figaro kisses her</i>). Pshaw Figaro! -when wilt thou cease to trifle thus from morning -till night (<i>playfully</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> When I may trifle from night to morning -(<i>in the same tone</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> There, there—There’s all the kisses I -shall give.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Kisses her hand at him and runs, he pursues -to the side.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_5"></a>[5]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Stop, stop, you cheating little knave; -that was not the way you received them. (<i>Returns</i>) -A sweet Girl! An Angel! Such wit! Such grace! -and so much prudence and modesty too!—I am a -happy fellow!—So Mr. Basil! Is it me, Rascal, you -mean to practice the tricks of your trade upon?—I’ll -teach you to put your spoon in my milk—But -hold—Dissemble is the word—Feign we ignorance -and endeavour to catch them in their own -traps—I wondered why the Count, who had made -me Steward and Inspector-general of the Castle, -should change his mind so suddenly, and want to -take me with him on his embassy to Paris, there -to institute me his Messenger in ordinary—A cunning -contrivance that—He, Plenipotentiary in chief, -I, a break-neck Politician, and Susan, Lady of the -back-stairs, Ambassadress of the bed-chamber—I -dashing through thick and thin and wearing myself -to a skeleton, for the good of my most gracious -Lord’s family, and he labouring, night and -day, for the increase of mine—Really, most honorable -Count, you are too kind—What to represent -his Majesty and me both at once—It’s too much, -too much by half——A moment’s reflection friend -Figaro on the events of the day—First, thou must -promote the Sports and Feasting already projected, -that appearances may not cool, but that thy Marriage -may proceed with greater certainty; next, -keep off one madam Marcelina, whose liquorish -mouth waters at thee, and to whom thou hast given -a Promise of Marriage, in default of the repayment -of certain borrowed Sums which it would be -very convenient to thy affairs never more to mention—Talk -of the Devil and——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_6"></a>[6]</span></p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter Doctor</i> BARTHOLO <i>and</i> MARCELINA.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Good-morrow to Mr. Bridegroom.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Good-morrow to madam Marcelina—What! -My old fat friend the Doctor! Are you -there?</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Yes, Knave’s face.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> As witty, I perceive, and no doubt as -wise as ever—And have you been complaisant -enough to come thus far to see me married?</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> To see thee hang’d.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Most kind Doctor—But who takes care -of your Mule? I know you have as much mercy -on your Beast as you have on your Patient.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Do you hear him?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And you, gentle Marcelina, do you still -wish to marry me—What, because I cannot fall in -love with you, would you drive me to hate you?</p> - -<p class="right">[<i>Exit Figaro.</i></p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> The Rascal will never mend.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> ’Tis you, Doctor, will never -mend—<span class="omitted">“You are so eternally wise, dull and slow, -that when a Patient has need of your assistance -he may die before you get to him, like as formerly -your Mistress got married in spite of your -precautions.”</span></p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Was it to entertain me thus agreeably -that you sent for me in such haste from Seville?</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Not entirely for that.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> What then—Is any body ill? Is the -Count indisposed?</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> No, it is the Countess who is indisposed.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> What the artful, the deceitful Rosina? -What’s her disorder?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_7"></a>[7]</span></p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> A faithless Husband.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> A very common complaint indeed.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> The Count forsakes her, and falls in -love with every fresh face.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> I am glad of it—I am glad of it—I -foresaw it—I thought Count Almaviva would revenge -the wrongs of Doctor Bartholo.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> After toying with a thousand neighbouring -Beauties, he now returns to the castle to -terminate the marriage of Susan and Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Which he himself has made necessary.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina</i>. Oh no—But at which he wishes to -act rather as a Principal than an Agent.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> In private with the Bride.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Even so.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> She I suppose has no great objection.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Charitable Doctor—Basil, however, -her music master, who takes great pains to instruct -her, says to the contrary.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Basil! What is that other Rascal here -too?—Why the house is a den of Thieves—What -does he do here?</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> All the mischief he can—He persecutes -me with his odious love unceasingly; I cannot -get rid of him.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Marry him—I’ll answer for his cure.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> That’s what he wants—But pray -Doctor, why will not you get rid of me by the -same means? The claims of Justice and oaths out -of number should—</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> So so so so—What is the matrimonial -furor come upon you again?</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Our long lost son, Fernando! the -dear pledge of my virgin love! were he but found, -perhaps—</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> And so you sent for me to hear this -stale rhodomontade?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_8"></a>[8]</span></p> - -<p><span class="omitted"><i>Marcelina.</i> “And are you, now you have -lost your Rosina, as inflexible and unjust as -ever?”</span></p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Pshaw!</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Well—Since you are determined never -to marry me yourself, will you have the complaisance -to aid me in marrying another?</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> With all my heart!—With all my heart!—</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Ah! (<i>curtsies</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> But who?—What miserable Mortal, -abandoned of Heaven and Women—</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Who but the amiable, the gay, the -ever sprightly Figaro?</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Figaro! That Rascal!</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Youthful and generous!</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> As a Highwayman.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> As a Nobleman—</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Pshaw, impossible! what on the very -day he is going to marry another?</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “Things more improbable have -come to pass.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “But your motive?</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “For you, Doctor, I have no secrets.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “Women seldom have for Doctors.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “I own our sex, though timid, is -ardent in the pursuit of pleasure. There is, in -all our bosoms, a small still voice which unceasing -cries—Woman, be as beautiful as thou -canst, as virtuous as thou wilt, but, at all -events, be conspicuous, be talk’d about; for -thy Wisdom, if thou hast it—if not for thy Folly.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “She utters Oracles—Well, well, accomplish -this, and I will engage you shall be -talk’d about.”</p> - </div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_9"></a>[9]</span></p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> We must endeavour to work upon -Susan by fear and shame, for the more obstinately -she refuses the amorous offers of the Count, the -more effectually she will serve our purpose; disappointment -and revenge will lead him to support -my cause, and as he is sovereign Judge in his own -Lordship, his power may make Figaro’s promise of -marriage to me valid.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Promise—Has he given you any such -promise?</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> A written one—You shall see it.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> By Galen, this is excellent! The rascal -shall marry my old House-keeper, and I shall be -revenged for the tricks he lately played me, and -the hundred pistoles he contrived to cheat me -of.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> (<i>transported</i>) Yes, yes, Doctor! I -shall have him! He shall marry me! He shall -marry me!</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> SUSAN, <i>with a gown on her arm, and a -cap and riband of the Countess, in her hand</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Marry you! Who is to marry you? Not -my Figaro, I assure you, madam.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Why not me, as soon as you, madam?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Indeed! your most obedient, madam.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> (<i>aside</i>) So now for a merry scolding -match.—We were saying, handsome Susan, how -happy Figaro must be in such a Bride—</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Susan curtsies to the Doctor.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Not to mention the secret satisfaction -of my Lord the Count.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Dear madam, you are so abundantly -kind.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_10"></a>[10]</span></p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Not so abundant in kindness, as a -liberal young Lord—But I own it is very natural, -he should partake the pleasures he so freely bestows -upon his Vassals.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>half angry</i>) Partake—Happily madam, -your Envy is as obvious, and your Slander as -false, as your Claims on Figaro are weak and ill -founded.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><ins class="corr" id="tn-10" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'Marcelino'"> -<i>Marcelina.</i></ins> “If they are weak, it is because I -wanted the art to strengthen them, after the -manner of madam.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Yet madam has ever been reckoned a -mistress of her art.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “I hope, madam, I shall always -have your good word, <i>madam</i>. (<i>Curtsies.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Oh, I can assure you, madam, you have -nothing to regret on that score, <i>madam</i>.” (<i>Curtsies mockingly.</i>)</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> The young Lady is really a very -pretty kind of Person—(<i>with a contemptuous side glance.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Oh yes (<i>mimicking</i>) The young Lady is at -least as pretty as the old Lady.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “And very respectable.</p> - -<p>Susan. “Respectable! Oh no, that is the characteristic -of a Duenna.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “A Duenna! A Duenna!</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> (<i>coming between them</i>) “Come, come—</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “I—I—You—your very humble -servant, <i>madam</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Your most devoted, <i>madam</i>.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Farewell, <i>madam</i>.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt Doctor and Marcelina.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Adieu, <i>madam</i>—this old Sibyl, because -she formerly tormented the infancy of my Lady, -thinks she has a right to domineer over every<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_11"></a>[11]</span> -person in the Castle—I declare I have forgot what -I came for.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Susan bangs the gown on a great arm -chair that stands in the room, and keeps the cap -and riband of the Countess in her hand.</i>)</p> -</div> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> HANNIBAL <i>the Page, running</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> So, Youth! What do you do here?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Good morrow, Susan—I have been -watching these two hours to find you alone.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Well, what have you to say, now you -have found me?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> (<i>Childishly amorous</i>) How does your -beauteous Lady do, Susan?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Very well.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> (<i>Poutingly</i>) Do you know, Susan, my -Lord is going to send me back to my Pappa and -Mamma?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Poor Child!</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Child indeed!—Umph!—And if my -charming God-mother, your dear Lady, cannot -obtain my pardon, I shall soon be deprived of -the pleasure of your company, Susan.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Upon my word!—He is toying all day -long with Agnes, and is, moreover, in love with -my Lady, and then comes to tell me he shall -be deprived of my company. (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Agnes is good natured enough to listen -to me, and that is more than you are, Susan, for -all I love you so.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Love me!—Why you amorous little villain, -you are in love with every Woman you -meet.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> So I am, Susan, and I can’t help it—If -no-body is by, I swear it to the trees, the waters, -and the winds, nay, to myself—Yesterday I happened -to meet Marcelina—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_12"></a>[12]</span></p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Marcelina! Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Why, she is a Woman, Susan.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> And what’s more, unmarried? Oh how -sweet are the words Woman, Maiden, and Love, -in my ear!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Ha! ha! ha!—He’s bewitch’d!—And -what is the Count going to send you from the -Castle for?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Last night, you must know, he caught me -in the chamber with Agnes; begone, said he, thou -little—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Little what?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Lord, he called me such a name, I can’t -for shame repeat it before a woman.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And what were you doing in the chamber -of Agnes?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Teaching her her part.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Her part?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Yes, the love scene, you know, she is to -play in the Comedy this evening.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Which my Lord would chuse to teach -her himself. (<i>aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Agnes is very kind, Susan.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Well, well, I’ll tell the Countess what -you say—But you are a little more circumspect in -her presence.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Ah Susan, she is a Divinity! How noble -is her manner! Her very smiles are awful!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> That is to say, you can take what liberties -you please with such people as me.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Oh how do I envy thy happiness, Susan! -Always near her! Dressing her every morning! -Undressing her every evening! Putting her to bed! -Touching her! Looking at her! Speaking to—What -is it thou hast got there, Susan?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Counterfeiting the amorous air, and animated<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_13"></a>[13]</span> -tone of the Page.</i>) It is the fortunate riband -of the happy cap, which at night enfolds the -auburn ringlets of the beauteous Countess.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Give it me—Nay, give it me—I will have -it.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> But I say you shan’t (<i>the Page snatches it, -and runs round the great chair, dodging Susan</i>) Oh my -riband!</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Be as angry as thou wilt, but thou shalt -<i>never</i> have it again, thou shouldst have one of my -eyes rather.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I can venture to predict, young gentleman, -that three or four years hence, thou wilt be -one of the most deceitful veriest Knaves—</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> If thou dost not hold thy tongue, Susan, -I’ll kiss thee into the bargain.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Kiss me!—Do not come near me, if thou -lov’st thy ears—I say, beg my Lord to forgive you, -indeed! No I assure you—<span class="omitted">“I shall say to him, -you do very right, my Lord, to send this little -Rascal packing, who is not only in love with -my Lady, but wants to kiss other folks into the -bargain.”</span></p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> <span class="omitted">“How can I help it, Susan”?</span> Here, take -this paper.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> For what?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> It contains a Song I have written on thy -beauteous Lady, my charming God-mother.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>without</i>) Jaquez.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Ah! I’m undone!—’Tis my Lord!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The -Page crouches down, and hides himself behind -Susan’s petticoats and the great chair.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_14"></a>[14]</span></p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> Count ALMAVIVA.</p> -</div> - -<p class="right">(<i>Page remains hid behind the great chair.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> So, charming Susan, have I found thee -at last? But thou seemest frightened my little -Beauty.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Consider, my Lord, if any body should -come and catch you here—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> That would be rather mal-a-propos; -but there’s no great danger.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>The Count offers to kiss Susan.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Fie, my Lord!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Count seats himself -in the great chair, and endeavours to pull Susan -on his knee, who resists.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Thou knowest, my charming Susan, the -King has done me the honour to appoint me -Ambassador to the court of Paris. I shall take Figaro -with me, and give him a very—<i>excellent</i> -post; and as it is the duty of a Wife to follow -her Husband, we shall then have every opportunity -we could wish.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I really don’t understand you, my Lord. -I thought your affection for my Lady, whom you -took so much pains to steal from her old Guardian, -Dr. Bartholo, and for love of whom you generously -abolished a certain vile privilege.—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> For which all the young girls are very -sorry; are they not?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> No indeed, my Lord—I thought, my -Lord, I say—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Prithee say no more, my sweet Susan, -but promise thou wilt meet me this evening, at -twilight, by the Pavilion in the garden; and be -certain, that if thou wilt but grant me this small -favour, nothing thou canst ask shall—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_15"></a>[15]</span></p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> (<i>without.</i>) He is not in his own room.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Heavens! Here’s somebody coming! -Where can I hide! Is there no place here?</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The -Count runs to get behind the great chair, Susan -keeps between him and the Page, who steals away as -the Count advances, leaps into the great chair, -with his legs doubled under him, and is covered -over with the Countess’s gown, by Susan.</i>)</p> -</div> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> BASIL.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Ah, Susan, Good morrow—Is my lord -the Count here?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Here! What should he be here for?</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Nay, there would be no miracle in it -if he were: would there, hey gentle Susan? -(<i>Smiles and leers at her.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> It would be a greater miracle to see -you honest.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Figaro is in search of him.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Then he is in search of the man who -wishes most to injure him—yourself excepted.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> It is strange, that a man should injure -the Husband by obliging the Wife.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>The Count peeps from behind the great chair.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> I shall hear, now, how well he pleads my -cause.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> For my part, Marriage being, of all serious -things, the greatest Farce, I imagined—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> All manner of wickedness.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> That though you are obliged to fast to-day, -you might be glad to feed to-morrow, grace -being first duly said.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Be gone, and do not shock my ears with -your vile principles.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_16"></a>[16]</span></p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Yes, my pretty Susan, but you must not -suppose I am the dupe of these fine appearances. -I know it isn’t Figaro who is the great obstacle -to my Lord’s happiness, but a certain beardless -Page, whom I surprised here, this morning, looking -for you as I entered.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I wish you would be gone, you wicked—Devil.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Wicked Devil! Ah, one is a wicked Devil -for not shutting one’s eyes.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I wish you would be gone, I tell you.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Was it not for you that he wrote the -Song, which he goes chanting up and down the -house, at every instant?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> O yes! For me, to be sure!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> At least it was either for you, or your -Lady.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> What next?</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Why really, when he sits at table, he does -cast certain very significant glances towards a -beauteous Countess, who shall be nameless—But -let him beware! If my Lord catches him at his -tricks, he’ll make him dance without music.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Nobody, but such a wicked creature as -you, could ever invent such scandalous tales, to -the ruin of a poor Youth, who has unhappily -fallen into his Lord’s disgrace.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> I invent! Why it is in every body’s -mouth.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>The Count discovers himself, and comes forward.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> How! In every body’s mouth!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Zounds.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Run, Basil, let him have fifty pistoles -and a horse given him, and sent back to his friends -instantly.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_17"></a>[17]</span></p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> I’m very sorry, my Lord, I happened to -speak—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I’m quite suffocated.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Susan seems almost -ready to faint, the Count supports her, and Basil -assists.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Let us seat her in this great chair, -Basil.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Frightened, and exclaims</i>) No!—I won’t -sit down!——(<i>After a pause</i>)—This wicked fellow -has ruined the poor boy.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> I assure you, my Lord, what I said, was -only meant to sound Susan.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> No matter, he shall depart! A little, -wanton, impudent Rascal, that I meet at every -turning—No longer ago than yesterday I surprised -him with the <ins class="corr" id="tn-17" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'Gardiner’s daughter'"> -Gardener’s daughter</ins>.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Agnes?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> In her very bed-chamber.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Where my Lord happened to have business -himself.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Hem!—I was going there to seek your -uncle Antonio, Susan, <ins class="corr" id="tn-17a" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'my drunken Gardiner'"> -my drunken Gardener</ins>; I -knock’d at the door, and waited some time; at -last Agnes came, with confusion in her countenance—I -entered, cast a look round, and perceiving -a kind of long Cloak, or Curtain, or some -such thing, approach’d, and without seeming to -take the least notice, drew it gently aside, thus—Hey!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Zounds!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Count, during his speech, approaches -the arm chair, and acting his description -draws aside the gown that hides the Page. They -all stand motionless with surprise, for some time.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Why, this is a better trick than t’other!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_18"></a>[18]</span></p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> No!—I won’t sit down! (<i>Mimicking Susan.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>To Susan</i>) And so it was to receive this -pretty Youth, that you were so desirous of being -alone—And you, you little Villain, what you don’t -intend to mend your manners then? But forgetting -all respect for your friend Figaro, and for the -Countess your Godmother, likewise, you are endeavouring -here to seduce her favourite woman! -I, however (<i>turning towards Basil</i>) shall not -suffer Figaro, a man—whom—I <i>esteem—sincerely</i>—to -fall the Victim of such deceit—Did he enter -with you, Basil?</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> No, my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> There is neither Victim nor deceit in the -case, my Lord. He was here when you entered.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> I hope that’s false: his greatest Enemy -could not <ins class="corr" id="tn-18" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'wish hm so much'"> -wish him so much</ins> mischief.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Knowing that you were angry with him, -the poor Boy came running to me, begging me to -solicit my Lady in his favor, in hopes she might -engage you to forgive him; but was so terrified, -as soon as he heard you coming, that he hid himself -in the great Chair.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> A likely story—I sat down in it, as soon -as I came in.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Yes, my Lord, but I was then trembling -behind it.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> That’s false, again, for I hid myself behind -it, when Basil entered.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> (<i>Timidly</i>) Pardon me, my Lord, but as -you approach’d, I retired, and crouched down -as you now see me.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Angrily</i>) It’s a little Serpent that glides<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_19"></a>[19]</span> -into every crevice—And he has been listening too -to our discourse!</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Indeed, my Lord, I did all I could not to -hear a word.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>To Susan</i>) There is no Figaro, no -Husband for you, however.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Somebody is coming; get down.</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter the</i> COUNTESS, FIGARO, AGNES, <i>and</i> -VASSALS, <i>in their holiday cloaths</i>. Figaro <i>carrying -the nuptial cap—The</i> Count <i>runs and plucks the -Page from the great chair, just as they enter</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What! Would you continue crouching -there before the whole world?</p> - -<p class="right"><i>(The Count and Countess salute.</i></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> We are come, my Lord, to beg a favour, -which we hope, for your Lady’s sake, you will -grant. (<i>Aside to Susan</i>) Be sure to second what I -say.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> It will end in nothing. (<i>Aside.</i></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> No matter: let us try, at least. (<i>Aside.</i></p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> You see, my Lord, I am supposed to -have a much greater degree of influence over you -than I really possess.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Oh no, my Lady; not an atom, I assure -you.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Presenting the cap to the Count</i>) Our petition -is, that the Bride may have the honor of -receiving from our worthy Lord’s hand, this Nuptial-Cap; -ornamented with half-blown roses, and -white ribbands, Symbols of the purity of his intentions.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Do they mean to laugh at me? (<i>Aside.</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_20"></a>[20]</span></p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “And as you have been kindly pleased -to abolish that abominable right, which, as -Lord of the Manor, you might have claimed, -permit us, your Vassals, to celebrate your praise, -in a rustic Chorus I have prepared for this occasion. -The Virtues of so good a master -should not remain unsung.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “A Lover, a Poet, and a Musician!—These -titles, Figaro, might perhaps merit our -indulgence, if”—</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Let me beg, my Lord, you will not -deny their request: in the name of that Love -you once had for me.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And have still, Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Join with me, my friends.</p> - -<p><i>Omnes.</i> My Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Why should your Lordship refuse Eulogiums -which you merit so well?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Oh the Traitress. (<i>Aside</i>) Well, well,—I -consent.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Look at her, my Lord; never could a -more beauteous Bride better prove the greatness of -the sacrifice you have made.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Oh do not speak of my Beauty, but of -his Lordship’s Virtues.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> My Virtues!—Yes, yes,—I see they understand -each other. (<i>Aside</i>) Who can tell me where -is Marcelina?</p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> I met her, my Lord, just now, in the -close walk by the park wall, along with Doctor -Bartholo. She seemed in a passion, and the Doctor -tried to pacify her. I heard her mention my -Cousin Figaro’s name.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Aside</i>) No Cousin yet, my dear; and -perhaps never may be.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_21"></a>[21]</span></p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> (<i>Pointing to the Page</i>) Have you forgiven -what happened yesterday, my Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Afraid lest the Countess should hear, and -chucking Agnes under the chin</i>) Hush!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>To the Page</i>) What’s the matter, -<ins class="corr" id="tn-21" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'young Hanibal the'"> -young Hannibal the</ins> brave? What makes you so -silent?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> He is sorrowful because my Lord is going -to send him from the castle.</p> - -<p><i>Omnes.</i> Oh pray, my Lord!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Let me beg you will forgive him.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> He does not deserve to be forgiven.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Consider, he is so young.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Half aside</i>) Not so young, perhaps, as -you suppose.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> My Lord certainly has not ceded away -the right to pardon.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And if he had, that would certainly be -the first he would <i>secretly</i> endeavour to reclaim. -(<i>Looking significantly at the Count and Figaro, -by turns.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Understanding her</i>) No doubt: no doubt.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> My conduct, my Lord, may have been -indiscreet, but I can assure your Lordship, that -never the least word shall pass my lips——</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Interrupting him</i>) Enough, enough—Since -every body begs for him, I must grant—I -shall moreover give him a Company in my Regiment.</p> - -<p><i>Omnes.</i> Thanks noble Count.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But on condition that he depart immediately -for Catalonia to join the Corps.</p> - -<p><i>Omnes.</i> Oh my Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> To-morrow my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> To day! It shall be so. (<i>To the Page</i>) Take -leave of your Godmother, and beg her protection.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_22"></a>[22]</span></p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Page kneels to the Countess with a sorrowful -air. As he approaches to kneel, he goes -very slowly and Figaro gently pushes him forward.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Fig.</i> Go, go, Child; go.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>With great emotion</i>) Since—it is not -possible—to obtain leave—for you to remain -here to-day, depart, young man, and follow the -noble career which lies before you—Forget not -those with whom you have spent some of the first -years of your life, and among whom you have -friends who wish you every success—Go where Fortune -and Glory call—Be obedient, polite, and -brave, and be certain we shall take part in your -Prosperity. (<i>Raises him.</i></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> You seem agitated Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> How can I help it, recollecting the -perils to which his youth must be exposed? He -has been bred in the same house with me, is of -the same kindred, and is likewise my Godson.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Aside</i>) Basil I see was in the right.—— -(<i>Turns to the Page</i>) Go, kiss Susan for the last time.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Page and Susan approach, Figaro steps between -them and intercepts the Page.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Fig.</i> Oh! There’s no occasion for kissing, my -Lord: he’ll return in the winter, and in the mean -time he may kiss me.—The scene must now be -changed my delicate Youth: you must not run -up stairs and down, into the Women’s Chambers, -play at Hunt-the-slipper, steal Cream, suck Oranges, -and live upon Sweetmeats. Instead of that, -Zounds! You must look bluff! Tan your face! -Handle your musket! Turn to the right! Wheel -to the left! And march to Glory.—At least if you -are not stopt short by a Bullet.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_23"></a>[23]</span></p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Fie, Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Terrified.</i>) What a Prophecy!</p> - -<p><i>Fig.</i> Were I a Soldier I would make some of -them scamper—But, come, come, my friends; let -us prepare our feast against the evening. Marcelina -I hear intends to disturb our Diversions.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> That she will I can assure you. (<i>Aside</i>) I -must go and send for her. (<i>going.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> You will not leave us, my Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> I am undrest, you see.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> We shall see nobody but our own servants.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> I must do what you please. Wait for me -in the study, Basil.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt Count, Countess, and Vassals.</i></p> - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Manent Figaro, Basil and Page.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Fig.</i> (<i>Retains the Page</i>) Come, come; let us -study our parts well for the Play in the evening: -and do not let us resemble those Actors who never -play so ill as on the first night of a Piece; when -Criticism is most watchful to detect Errors, and -when they ought to play the best—<span class="omitted">“<i>We</i> -shall not have an opportunity of playing better -to-morrow.”</span></p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> My part is more difficult than you imagine.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And you may be rewarded for it, in a -manner you little expect. [<i>Aside.</i></p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> You forget, Figaro, that I am going.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And you wish to stay? (<i>In the same sorrowful tone.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> (<i>Sighs.</i>) Ah yes.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Follow my advice, and so thou shalt.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> How, how?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Make no murmuring, but clap on your -boots, and seem to depart; gallop as far as the<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_24"></a>[24]</span> -Farm, return to the Castle on foot, enter by the -back way, and hide yourself till I can come to -you.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> And who shall teach Agnes her part, -then?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh oh!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Why, what the devil have you been -about, young Gentleman, for these eight days past, -during which you have hardly ever left her? Take -care, Hannibal, take care, or your Scholar will -give her Tutor a bad character.—Ah Hannibal! -Hannibal! The Pitcher that goes often to the -Well—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Listen to the Pedant and his Proverb.—Well, -and what says the wisdom of Nations—<i>The -pitcher that goes often to the well</i>—</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Stands a chance, sometime, to return -full.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Not so foolish as I thought.</p> - -<p class="p4 center wsp">End of<span class="lsp2"> ACT I</span>.</p> - - </div> - - - <div class="width30"> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_25"></a>[25]</span><br></p> - -<h2 class="p2 nobreak" id="ACT_II">ACT II.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center">SCENE, the <ins class="corr" id="tn-25" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'COUNTESS’s Bed-Chmber'"> -COUNTESS’s Bed-Chamber</ins>.</p> - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p>(<i>A state-bed in the back ground under an Alcove: -three doors; one the entrance into the room, another -into Susan’s room, and the third to the Countess’s -dressing-room; a large window that opens to the -street.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>The</i> COUNTESS <i>seated</i>, SUSAN <i>waiting</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i></p> - -<p class="moveup2 drop-capy">Shut the door—And so the Page -was hid behind the great chair?</p> - -<p class="p1"><i>Susan.</i> Yes, Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> But how did he happen to be in your -room, Susan?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> The poor Boy came to beg I would prevail -on you to obtain his pardon of my Lord the -Count.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> But why did not he come to me himself? -I should not have refused him a favor of that -kind.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Bashfulness, Madam. <i>Ah Susan!</i> said he, -<i>she is a Divinity! How noble is her Manner! Her -very smiles are awful.</i></p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Smiling</i>) Is that true, Susan?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Can you doubt it, Madam?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> I have always afforded him my protection.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Had you, Madam, but seen him snatch -the ribband from me!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Rising</i>) Pshaw! Enough of this nonsense—And<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_26"></a>[26]</span> -so my Lord the Count endeavours to -seduce you, Susan?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Oh, no indeed, Madam, he does not give -himself the trouble to seduce; he endeavours to -purchase me: and because I refuse him will certainly -prevent my marriage with Figaro, and support -the pretensions of Marcelina.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Fear nothing—We shall have need, however, -of a little artifice perhaps; in the execution of -which Figaro’s assistance may not be amiss.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> He will be here, Madam, as soon as my -Lord is gone a coursing.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Your Lord is an ungrateful man, Susan!—An -ungrateful man! (<i>The Countess walks up and -down the room with some emotion</i>) Open the window; -I am stifled for want of air—Vows, protestations -and tenderness are all forgotten—My Love offends, -my Caresses disgust—He thinks his own Infidelities -must all be overlook’d, yet my Conduct must be -irreproachable.</p> - -<p><i>Susan</i> (<i>At the window looking into the street</i>). Yonder -goes my Lord with all his Grooms and Greyhounds.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> To <i>divert</i> himself with hunting a poor -timid harmless Hare to death—This, however, -will give us time—Somebody knocks, Susan.</p> - -<p><span class="omitted"><i>Susan.</i> “For Figaro’s the lad, is the lad for me.”</span></p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Goes singing to the Door.</i>)</p> - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> FIGARO.</p> -</div> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>He kisses Susan’s hand, she makes signs to him -to be more prudent, and points to the Countess.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Well, Figaro, you have heard of my -Lord the Count’s designs on your young Bride.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_27"></a>[27]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh yes, my Lady. There was nothing -very surprising in the news. My Lord sees a sweet, -young, lovely—Angel! (<i>Susan curtsies</i>) and wishes -to have her for himself. Can any thing be more -natural? I wish the very same—</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> I don’t find it so very pleasant, Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> He endeavours to overturn the schemes -of those who oppose his wishes; and in this he -only follows the example of the rest of the world. -I endeavour to do the very same.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> But with less probability of success, Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Follow my advice, and I’ll convince you -of your mistake.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Let me hear.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> You, my lovely Susan, must appoint -the Count to meet him, as he proposed, this evening, -<ins class="corr" id="tn-27" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'by the Pavillion'"> -by the Pavilion</ins> in the Garden.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> How! Figaro! Can you consent?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And why not, Madam?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> But if you can, sir, do you think I—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Nay, my Charmer, do not imagine I -would wish thee to grant him any thing thou -wishest to refuse—But first we must dress up the -Page in your cloaths, my dear Susan—, he is to be -your Representative.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> The Page!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> He is gone.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Is he?—Perhaps so. But a whistle from -me will bring him back. (<i>The Countess seems -pleased.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> So! Now Figaro’s happy!—Plots and -Contrivances—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Two! Three! Four at a time! Embarrass’d! -Involv’d! Perplex’d!—Leave me to unravel -them. I was born to thrive in Courts.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_28"></a>[28]</span></p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I have heard the Trade of a Courtier is -not so difficult as some pretend.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Ask for every thing that falls, seize -every thing in your power, and accept every thing -that’s offered—There is the whole art and mystery -in three words.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Well, but the Count, Figaro?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Permit me, Madam, to manage him—And -first, the better to secure <i>my</i> property, I shall -begin by making him dread the loss of <i>his own</i>.—<span class="omitted">“Oh, -what pleasure shall I have in cutting out -Employment for him during the whole day!—To -see him waste that time in jealously-watching -your conduct, Madam, which he meant to -employ in amorous dalliance with my sweet -Bride—To behold him running here and there -and he does not know where, and hunting a monstrous -Shadow, which he dreads to find, yet longs -to grasp.”</span></p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Surely, Figaro, you are out of your -wits.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Pardon, my dear Lady, but it is your -good Lord who will soon be out of his wits.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> But as you know him to be so jealous, -how will you dare?—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh, Madam! Were he not jealous, my -scheme would not be worth a doit: but it will now -serve a double purpose—The Jewel which Possession -has made him neglect, will again become -valuable, if once he can be brought to dread its -loss.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> To confess the truth, Figaro, your -project exactly corresponds with the one I meant -to practise—An anonymous Letter must be sent, -informing him, that a Gallant, meaning to profit -by his neglect—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_29"></a>[29]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And absence—is at present with his -beauteous Countess——The thing is already done, -Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> How!—Have you dared to trifle thus -with a Woman of Honor?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh, Madam, it is only with a Woman of -Honor I should presume to take a liberty like this; -least my Joke should happen to prove a Reality.</p> - -<p><i>Countess</i> (<i>Smiles</i>). You don’t want an agreeable -excuse, Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> The hour of performing the marriage -Ceremony will arrive post haste—he will be disconcerted, -and having no good excuse ready, will -never venture in your presence, Madam, to oppose -our union.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> But if he <ins class="corr" id="tn-29" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'will not, Marcellina'"> -will not, Marcelina</ins> will; and -thou wilt be condemned to pay—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Poh! Thou hast forgot the Count is our -Judge!—And, after being entrapp’d at the rendezvous, -will he condemn us, thinkest thou?—But -come, come, we must be quick—I’ll send the Page -hither to be dress’d—We must not lose a moment.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit Figaro.</i></p> - -<p><i>Countess</i> (<i>Examining her head dress in a pocket -looking-glass</i>). What a hideous cap this is, Susan; -its quite awry—This Youth who is coming—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Ah, Madam! Your Beauty needs not -the addition of Art in his eyes.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> And my hair too—I assure you, Susan, -I shall be very severe with him.</p> - -<p><i>Susan</i> (<i>Smoothing the Countess’s hair</i>). Let me -spread this Curl a little, Madam—Oh, pray Madam, -make him sing the song he has written.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Susan throws the song into the Countess’s lap, -which the Page had given her.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> I shall tell him of all the complaints I -hear against him.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_30"></a>[30]</span></p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Oh Yes Madam; I can see you will -scold him, heartily.</p> - -<p><i>Countess</i> (<i>Seriously</i>). What do you say, Susan?</p> - -<p><i>Susan</i> (<i>Goes to the door</i>). Come; come in Mr. -Soldier.</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> PAGE.</p> -</div> - -<p class="right">(<i>Susan pretends to threaten him by signs.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Um—(<i>Pouts aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Well, young gentleman, (<i>With assumed -severity</i>)—How innocent he looks, Susan! (<i>Aside -to Susan</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And how bashful, Madam!</p> - -<p><i>Countess</i> (<i>Resuming her serious air</i>). Have you reflected -on the duties of your new Profession?</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Page imagines the Countess is angry, and -timidly draws back.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p>Susan (<i>Aside to the Page</i>). Ay, ay, young Rake, -I’ll tell all I know.—(<i>Returns to the Countess</i>). Observe -his downcast eyes, Madam, and long eye-lashes.—(<i>Aside -to the Page</i>) Yes, Hypocrite, I’ll -tell.</p> - -<p><i>Countess</i> (<i>Seeing the Page more and more fearful</i>). -Nay, Hannibal—don’t—be terrified—I—Come -nearer.</p> - -<p><i>Susan</i> (<i>Pushing him towards the Countess</i>). Advance, -Modesty.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Poor Youth, he is quite affected—I -am not angry with you; I was only going to speak -to you on the duties of a Soldier—Why do you -seem so sorrowful?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Alas, Madam, I may well be sorrowful! -Being, as I am, obliged to leave a Lady so gentle -and so kind——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_31"></a>[31]</span></p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And so beautiful—(<i>In the same tone and -half aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Ah, yes! (<i>Sighs</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Susan</i> (<i>Mimicking</i>). Ah, yes!—Come, come, let -me try on one of my Gowns upon you—Come -here—Let us measure—I declare the little Villain -is not so tall as I am.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Um—(<i>Pouts.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Turn about—Let me untie your cloak.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Susan takes off the Page’s cloak.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> But suppose somebody should come?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Dear, my Lady, we are not doing any -harm—I’ll lock the door, however, for fear—(<i>The -Page casts a glance or two at the Countess, Susan -returns</i>) Well! Have you nothing to say to my -beauteous Lady, and your charming God-mother?</p> - -<p><i>Page</i> (<i>Sighs</i>). Oh, yes! That I am sure I shall -love her as long as I live!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Esteem, you mean, Hannibal.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Ye—ye—yes—Es—teem! I should have -said.</p> - -<p><i>Susan</i> (<i>Laughs</i>). Yes, yes, Esteem! The poor Youth -overflows with Es—teem and Aff—ection—and—</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Um! (<i>Aside to Susan</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Nia, nia, nia, (<i>Mocking the Page</i>).—Dear -Madam, do make him sing those good-for-nothing -Verses.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Takes the verses Susan gave her, from -her pocket</i>) Pray who wrote them?</p> - -<p><i>Susan</i> (<i>Pointing to the Page</i>). Look, Madam, -look! His sins rise in his face—Nobody but an -Author could look so silly—</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Come, Hannibal, sing.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Ah, the bashful Scribbler!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_32"></a>[32]</span></p> - - -<div class="chapter"> -<p class="p2 center lsp2">SONG.</p> -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">To the Winds, to the Waves, to the Woods I complain;</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">They hear not my Sighs, and they heed not my Pain;</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza omitted"> - <div class="verse indent0">“The name of my Goddess I ’grave on each Tree;</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Tis I wound the bark, but Love’s arrows wound me:</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza omitted"> - <div class="verse indent0">The Heav’ns I view with their azure bright skies;</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But Heaven to me are her still brighter eyes:</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">To the Sun’s morning splendor the poor Indian bows;</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But I dare not worship where I pay my Vows:</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza omitted"> - <div class="verse indent0">“His God each morn rises and he can adore;</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But my Goddess to me must soon never rise more:</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>During the song the Countess is evidently affected -by the Passion with which the Page sings.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Now let us try whether one of my Caps—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_33"></a>[33]</span></p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> There is one of mine lies on my dressing-table. -(<i>Exit Susan to the dressing room of the -Countess.</i>)—Is your Commission made out?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Oh yes, Madam, and given me; Here -it is.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Presents his commission to the Countess.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Already? They have made haste I see! -They are not willing to lose a moment—Their -hurry has made them even forget to affix the -Seal.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Returns</i>) The Seal! To what, Madam?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> His Commission.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> So soon!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> I was observing, there has been no time -lost.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Returns the Page his Commission; he sticks it -in his girdle.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Come—(<i>Makes the Page kneel down, and -puts him on the cap</i>) What a pretty little Villain it is! -I declare I am jealous: see if he is not handsomer -than I am! Turn about—There—What’s here?—The -riband!—So, so, so! Now all is out! I’m -glad of it—I told my young Gentleman I would -let you know his thievish tricks, Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Fetch me some black patches Susan.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit Susan to her own chamber.</i></p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>The Countess and the Page remain mute for a considerable -time during which the Page looks at the Countess -with great passion, though with the bashful side -glances natural to his character—The Countess -pretends not to observe him, and visibly makes -several efforts to overcome her own feelings.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> And—and—so—you—you are sorry—to -leave us?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Ye—yes—Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Observing the Page’s heart so full that he -is ready to burst into tears</i>) ’Tis that good-for-nothing<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_34"></a>[34]</span> -Figaro who has frightened the child with -his prognostics.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> (<i>Unable to contain himself any longer</i>) N-o-o-o -indee-ee-eed, Madam, I-I-am o-on-only-gri-ieved -to part from-so dear a-La-a-ady.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Takes out her handkerchief and wipes -his eyes</i>) Nay, but don’t weep, don’t weep—Come, -come, be comforted. (<i>A knocking is heard -at the Countess’s chamber door</i>) Who’s there? -(<i>In an authoritative tone.</i>)</p> - -<p class="right"><i>The Count speaks without.</i></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Open the door, my Lady.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Heavens! It is the Count!—I am ruined!—If -he finds the Page here after receiving -Figaro’s anonymous Letter I shall be for ever lost!—What -imprudence!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Without</i>) Why don’t you open the -door?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Because——I’m alone.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Alone! Who are you talking to then!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> To you, to be sure—How could I be -so thoughtless—This villainous Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> After the scene of the great chair this -morning he will certainly murder me if he finds -me here.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Run into my dressing-room and lock -the door on the inside. (<i>the Countess opens the door -to the Count.</i>)</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter the</i> COUNT.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> You did not use to lock yourself in, -when you were alone, Madam! Who were you -speaking to?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Endeavouring to conceal her agitation</i>) -To—To Susan, who is rumaging in her own -room.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_35"></a>[35]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But you seem agitated, Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> That is not impossible (<i>affecting to take -a serious air</i>) We were speaking of you.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Of me!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Your jealousy, your indifference, my -Lord.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Count.</i> “I cannot say for indifference, my Lady, -and as for jealousy, you know best whether I -have any cause.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> “My Lord!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “In short, my Lady, there are people in -the world, who are malicious enough to wish to -disturb either your repose or mine. I have received -private advice that a certain Thing called -a Lover—</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> “Lover!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “Ay, or Gallant, or any other title you -like best, meant to take advantage of my absence, -and introduce himself into the Castle.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> “If there even were any one audacious -enough to make such an attempt, he -would find himself disappointed of meeting me; -for I shall not stir out of my room to-day.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “What, not to the Wedding?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> “I am indisposed.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “Its lucky then that the Doctor is -here.”</p> - </div> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Page oversets a table in the Countess’s -dressing-room.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Terrified.</i>) What will become of me? -(<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What noise is that?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> I heard no noise.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> No? You must be most confoundedly -absent, then.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Affecting to return his irony</i>) Oh, to be -sure.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_36"></a>[36]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But there is somebody in your dressing-room, -Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Who should there be?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> That’s what I want to know.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> It is Susan, I suppose, putting the -chairs and tables to rights.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What! Your favourite woman turned -house-maid! You told me just now she was in her -own room.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> In <i>her</i> room, or <i>my</i> room, it is all one.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Really, my Lady, this Susan of yours is -a very nimble, convenient kind of person.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Really, my Lord, this Susan of mine -disturbs your quiet very much.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Very true, my Lady, so much that I am -determined to see her.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> These suspicions are very much to your -credit, my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> If they are not to your discredit, my -Lady, it is very easy to remove them—But I see -you mean to trifle with me (<i>he goes to the Countess’s -dressing-room door, and calls</i>) Susan! Susan! If Susan -you are, come forth!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Very well, my Lord! Very well! Would -you have the girl come out half undressed? She is -trying on one of my left off dresses—To disturb -female privacy, in this manner, my Lord, is certainly -very unprecedented.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>During the warmth -of this dispute, Susan comes from her own room, -perceives what is passing, and after listening long -enough to know how to act, slips, unseen by both, -behind the curtains of the bed which stands in the -Alcove.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Well, if she can’t come out, she can -answer at least. (<i>Calls</i>) Susan!—Answer me, -Susan.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_37"></a>[37]</span></p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> I say, do not answer, Susan! I forbid -you to speak a word!—We shall see who she’ll -obey.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But if you are so innocent, Madam, -what is the reason of that emotion and perplexity -so very evident in your countenance?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Affecting to laugh</i>) Emotion and perplexity! -Ha! ha! ha! Ridiculous!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Well, Madam, be it as ridiculous as it -may, I am determined to be satisfied, and I think -present appearances give me a sufficient plea. (<i>Goes -to the side of the Scenes and calls</i>) Hollo! Who waits -there?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Do, do, my Lord! Expose your jealousy -to your very servants! Make yourself and -me the jest of the whole world.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Why do you oblige me to it?—However, -Madam, since you will not suffer that door -to be opened, will you please to accompany me -while I procure an instrument to force it?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> To be sure, my Lord! To be sure! If -you please.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And, in order that you may be fully -justified, I will make this other door fast (<i>Goes to -Susan’s chamber door, locks it, and takes the key.</i>) As -to the Susan of the dressing-room, she must have -the complaisance to wait my return.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> This behaviour is greatly to your -honor, my Lord! (<i>This speech is heard as they are -going through the door, which the Count locks after -him.</i>)</p> - -<p class="right">(Exeunt)</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> SUSAN, <i>peeping as they go off, then runs to -the dressing-room door and calls</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Hannibal!—Hannibal!—Open the door! -Quick! Quick!—It’s I, Susan.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_38"></a>[38]</span></p> - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> PAGE, <i>frightened</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Oh Susan!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Oh my poor Mistress!</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> What will become of her?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> What will become of my marriage?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> What will become of me?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Don’t stand babbling here, but fly.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> The doors are all fast, how can I fly?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Don’t ask me! Fly!</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Here’s a window open (<i>runs to the window</i>) -Underneath is a bed of flowers; I’ll leap -out.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Screams</i>) You’ll break your neck!</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Better that than ruin my dear Lady—Give -me one kiss Susan.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Was there ever seen such a young—(<i>Page -kisses her, runs and leaps out of the window, -and Susan shrieks at seeing him</i>) Ah! (<i>Susan sinks -into a chair, overcome with fear—At last she takes -courage, rises, goes with dread towards the window, -and after looking out, turns round with her hand -upon her heart, a sigh of relief and a smile expressive -of sudden ease and pleasure.</i>) He is safe! -Yonder he runs!—As light and as swift as the -winds!—If that Boy does not make some woman’s -heart ache I’m mistaken. (<i>Susan goes towards -the dressing-room door, enters, and peeps out -as she is going to shut it.</i>) And now, my good jealous -Count, perhaps, I may teach you to break -open doors another time. (<i>Locks herself in.</i>)</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> COUNT, <i>with a wrenching iron in one hand, -and leading in the</i> COUNTESS <i>with the other. -Goes and examines the doors.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Every thing is as I left it. We now shall -come to an eclaircissement.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_39"></a>[39]</span></p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> But, my Lord!—He’ll murder him! (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Now we shall know—Do you still persist -in forcing me to break open this door?—I am -determined to see who’s within.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Let me beg, my Lord, you’ll have a -moment’s patience!—Hear me only and you shall -satisfy your utmost curiosity!—Let me intreat you -to be assured, that, however appearances may condemn -me, no injury was intended to your honour.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Then there is a man?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> No—none of whom you can reasonably -entertain the least suspicion.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> How?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> A jest!—A meer innocent, harmless -frolic, for our evening’s diversion! Nothing more, -upon my Honor!—On my soul!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But who—who is it?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> A Child!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Let us see your child!—What child?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Hannibal.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> The Page! (<i>Turns away</i>) This damnable -Page again?——Thus then is the Letter!——thus -are my Suspicions realized at last!—I am now -no longer astonished, Madam, at your emotion -for your pretty Godson this morning!—The whole -is unravelled!—Come forth, Viper! (<i>In great wrath.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Terrified and trembling</i>) Do not let -the Disorder in which you will see him——</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> The Disorder!—The Disorder!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> We were going to dress him in women’s -cloaths for our evening’s diversion—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> I’ll stab him!—I’ll!—<span class="omitted">“And this is your -indisposition!—This is why you would keep<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_40"></a>[40]</span> -your Chamber all day! False, unworthy Woman! -You shall keep it longer than you expected.”</span>—I’ll -make him a terrible example of an injured -Husband’s wrath!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Falling on her knees between the Count -and the door</i>) Hold, my Lord, hold! Or -let your anger light on me!—I, alone, am guilty! -If there be any guilt—Have pity on his youth! -His infancy!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What! Intercede for him!—On your -knees!—And to me! There wanted but this!—I’ll -rack him!—Rise!—I’ll (<i>Furiously.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Promise me to spare his life!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Rise!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Countess rises terrified, and -sinks into an arm chair ready to faint.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> He’ll murder him!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Come forth, I say, once more; or I’ll -drag—(<i>While the Count is speaking, Susan unlocks -the door and bolts out upon him.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I’ll stab him!—I’ll rack him!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Countess, at hearing Susan’s voice, -recovers sufficiently to look round—Is astonished, -endeavours to collect herself, and turns back -into her former position to conceal her surprise.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>After standing fixed some time, and -first looking at Susan and then at the Countess</i>) -Here’s a seminary!—And can you act astonishment -too, Madam? (<i>Observing the Countess, who -cannot totally hide her surprise.</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> <i>Attempting to speak</i>) I—My Lord—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Recollecting himself.</i>) But, perhaps, -she was not alone. (<i>Enters the dressing-room, -Countess again alarmed, Susan runs to the Countess.</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_41"></a>[41]</span></p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Fear nothing—He is not there—He has -jumped out of the window.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> And broke his neck! (<i>Her terror returns.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Hush! (<i>Susan claps herself bolt upright -against her Lady, to hide her new disorder from the -Count.</i>) Hem! Hem!</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Re-enter</i> COUNT, (<i>greatly abashed</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Nobody there!—I have been to blame—(<i>approaching -the Countess</i>.) Madam!—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>With great submission as if going to beg her -pardon, but the confusion still visible in her -countenance calls up the recollection of all that -had just passed, and he bursts out into an exclamation.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p>Upon my soul, Madam, you are -a most excellent Actress!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And am not I too, my Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> You see my Confusion, Madam—be -generous.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> As you have been.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Hush!—(<i>Makes signs to Susan to take his -part.</i>) My dear Rosina——</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> No, no, my Lord! I am no longer -that Rosina whom you formerly loved with such -affection!—I am now nothing but the -poor Countess of Almaviva! A neglected Wife, and -not a beloved Mistress.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Nay, do not make my humiliation too -severe—(<i>His suspicions again in part revive.</i>) But -wherefore, my Lady, have you been thus mysterious -on this occasion?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> That I might not betray that headlong -thoughtless Figaro.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_42"></a>[42]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What! He wrote the anonymous billet -then?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> It was without my knowledge, my -Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But you were afterwards informed of -it?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Certainly.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Who did he give it to?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Basil—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Who sent it me by a Peasant—Indeed, -Mr. Basil.—Yes, vile Thrummer, thou shalt pay -for all!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> But where is the justice of refusing -that pardon to others we stand so much in need of -ourselves? If ever I could be brought to forgive, -it should only be on condition of passing a general -amnesty.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> I acknowledge my guilt.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Countess -stands in the middle of the stage, the Count a -little in the back ground, as if expressive of his -timidity, but his countenance shews he is confident -of obtaining his pardon—Susan stands -forwarder than either, and her looks are significantly -applicable to the circumstances of both -parties.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> To suspect a man in my Lady’s dressing-room!—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And to be thus severely punished for my -suspicion!—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Not to believe my Lady when she <i>assured</i> -you it was her Woman!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Ah!——(<i>with affected confusion</i>) Deign, -Madam, once more, to repeat my pardon.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Have I already pronounced it, Susan?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Not that I heard, Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Let the gentle sentence then escape.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_43"></a>[43]</span></p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> And do you merit it, ungrateful man? (<i>with tenderness.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Looking at Susan, who returns his look</i>) -Certainly, my Lady.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> A fine example I set you, Susan! (<i>The -Count takes her hand and kisses it.</i>) Who, hereafter, -will dread a Woman’s anger?</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Countess turns her -head towards Susan, and laughs as she says this.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>In the same tone</i>) Yes, yes, Madam—I -observe——Men may well accuse us of frailty.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And yet I cannot, for the soul of me, -forget the agony, Rosina, in which you seemed -to be just now! Your cries, your tears, your——How -was it possible, this being a Fiction, you -should so suddenly give it the tragic tone of a -Reality?—Ha! ha! ha!—So astonishingly natural!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> You see your Page, and I dare say -your Lordship was not sorry for the mistake—I’m -sure the sight of Susan does not give you -offence.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Hem!—Offence! Oh! No, no, no—But -what’s the reason, <ins class="corr" id="tn-43" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'you malicicious little'"> -you malicious little</ins> hussey, you did not come when I called?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> What! Undress’d, my Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But why didn’t you answer then?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> My Lady forbad me: and good reason she -had so to do.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Such distraction in your countenance! -(<i>To the Countess</i>) Nay, it’s not calm even yet!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Oh you—you fancy so my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Men, I perceive, are poor Politicians—Women -make Children of us——Were his Majesty -wise, he would name you, and not me, for his -Ambassador.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_44"></a>[44]</span></p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> FIGARO, <i>chearfully; perceives the -Count, who puts on a very serious air</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Fig.</i> They told me my Lady was indisposed, I -ran to enquire, and am very happy to find there -was nothing in it.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> You are very attentive.</p> - -<p><i>Fig.</i> It is my duty so to be, my Lord. (<i>Turns -to Susan.</i>) Come, come, my Charmer! Prepare for -the Ceremony! Go to your Bridemaids.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But who is to guard the Countess in the -mean time?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Surprised</i>) Guard her, my Lord! -My Lady seems very well: she wants no guarding.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> From the Gallant, who was to profit by -my absence? (<i>Susan and the Countess make signs to -Figaro.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Nay, nay, Figaro, the Count knows -all.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Yes, yes, we have told my Lord every -thing.—The jest is ended—Its all over.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> The jest is ended!—And its all over!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Yes—Ended, ended, ended!——And all -over—What have you to say to that?</p> - -<p><i>Fig.</i> Say, my Lord!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The confusion of Figaro -arises from not supposing it possible the Countess -and Susan should have betrayed him, and when -he understands something by their signs, from not -knowing how much they have told.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Ay, say.</p> - -<p><i>Fig.</i> I—I—I wish I could say as much of my -Marriage.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And who wrote the pretty Letter?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Not I, my Lord.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_45"></a>[45]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> If I did not know thou liest, I could -read it in thy face.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Indeed, my Lord!—Then it is my face -that lies; and not I.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Pshaw, Figaro! Why should you -endeavour to conceal any thing, when I tell you -we have confess’d all?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Making signs to Figaro</i>) We have told -my Lord of the Letter, which made him suspect -that Hannibal, the Page, who is far enough off -by this, was hid in my Lady’s dressing-room, -where I myself was lock’d in.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Well, well, since my Lord will have it -so, and my Lady will have it so, and you all -will have it so, why then so let it be.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Still at his Wiles.——</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Why, my Lord, would you oblige -him to speak truth, so much against his inclination? -(<i>Count and Countess walk familiarly up the stage.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Hast thou seen the Page?</p> - -<p><i>Fig.</i> Yes, yes: you have shook his young joints -for him, among you.</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> ANTONIO, <i><ins class="corr" id="tn-45" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'the Gardiner, with'"> -the Gardener, with</ins> a broken Flower-pot under his arm half drunk</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> My Lord—My good Lord—If so be -as your Lordship will not have the goodness to -have these Windows nailed up, I shall never have -a Nosegay fit to give to my Lady—They break -all my pots, and spoil my flowers; for they not -only throw other Rubbish out of the windows, as -they used to do, but they have just now tossed out -a Man.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> A Man!—(<i>The Count’s suspicions all revive.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_46"></a>[46]</span></p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> In white stockings!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Countess and Susan -discover their fears, and make signs to Figaro to -assist them if possible.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Where is the Man? (<i>Eagerly.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> That’s what I want to know, my Lord!—I -wish I could find him,—I am your Lordship’s -Gardener; and, tho’ I say it, a better Gardener is -not to be found in all Spain;—but if Chambermaids -are permitted to toss men out of the window -to save their own Reputation, what is to become -of mine?—<span class="omitted">“It will wither with my flowers to -be sure.”</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh fie! What sotting so soon in a morning?</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Why, can one begin one’s day’s work -too early?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Your day’s work, Sir?</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Your Lordship knows my Niece, there -she stands, is to be married to day; and I am sure -she would never forgive me if——</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> If you were not to get drunk an hour -sooner than usual—But on with your story, Sir—What -of the Man?—What followed?</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> I followed him myself, my Lord, as -fast as I could; but, somehow, I unluckily happened -to make a false step, and came with such a confounded -whirl against the Garden-gate—that I—I -quite for—forgot my Errand.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And should you know this man again?</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> To be sure I should, my Lord!—If -I had seen him, that is.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Either speak more clearly, Rascal, or I’ll -send you packing to——</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Send me packing, my Lord?—Oh, -no! If your Lordship has not enough—enough -(<i>Points to his forehead</i>) to know when you have<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_47"></a>[47]</span> -a good Gardener, I warrant I know when I have a -good Place.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> There is no occasion, my Lord, for -all this mystery! It was I who jump’d out of the -window into the garden.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> You?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> My own self, my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Jump out of a one pair of stairs window -and run the risk of breaking your Neck?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> The ground was soft, my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> And his Neck is in no danger of being -broken.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> To be sure I hurt my right leg, a little, in -the fall; just here at the ancle—I feel it still. -(<i>Rubbing his ancle.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But what reason had you to jump out of -the window?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> You had received my letter, my Lord, -since I must own it, and was come, somewhat -sooner than I expected, in a dreadful passion, in -search of a man.—</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> If it was you, you have grown plaguy -fast within this half hour, to my thinking. The -man that I saw did not seem so tall by the head -and shoulders.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Pshaw! Does not one double one’s self -up when one takes a leap?</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> It seem’d a great deal more like the -Page.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> The Page!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh yes, to be sure, the Page has gallop’d -back from Seville, Horse and all, to leap out -of the window!</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> No, no, my Lord! I saw no such thing! -I’ll take my oath I saw no horse leap out of the -window.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_48"></a>[48]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Come, come, let us prepare for our -sports.</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Well, since it was you, as I am an honest -man, I ought to return you this Paper which -drop’d out of your pocket as you fell.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Snatches the paper. The Countess, Figaro, -and Susan are all surprised and embarrassed. Figaro -shakes himself, <ins class="corr" id="tn-48" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'and eadeavours to'"> -and endeavours to</ins> recover his fortitude.</i>) -Ay, since it was you, you doubtless can tell what -this Paper contains (<i>claps the paper behind his back -as he faces Figaro</i>) and how it happened to come in -your Pocket?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh, my Lord, I have such quantities of -Papers (<i>searches his pockets, pulls out a great many</i>) -No, it is not this!—Hem!—This is a double Love-letter -from Marcelina, in seven pages—Hem!—Hem!—It -would do a man’s heart good to read it—Hem!—And -this is a petition from the poor Poacher -in prison. I never presented it to your Lordship, because -I know you have affairs much more serious -on your hands, than the Complaints of such -half-starved Rascals—Ah!—Hem!—this—this—no, -this is an Inventory of your Lordship’s Sword-knots, -Ruffs, Ruffles, and Roses—must take care of -this—(<i>Endeavours to gain time, and keeps glancing -and hemming to Susan and the Countess, to look at the -paper and give him a hint.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> It is neither this, nor this, nor that, nor -t’other, that you have in your hand, but what I -hold here in mine, that I want to know the contents -of. (<i>Holds out the paper in action as he speaks, the -Countess who stands next him catches a sight of it.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> ’Tis the Commission. (<i>Aside to Susan.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> The Page’s Commission. (<i>Aside to Figaro.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Well, Sir!—So you know nothing of the -matter?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_49"></a>[49]</span></p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> (<i>Reels round to Figaro</i>) My Lord says -you—know nothing of the matter.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Keep off, and don’t come to whisper -me. (<i>pretending to recollect himself.</i>) Oh Lord! -Lord! What a stupid fool I am!—I declare it is the -Commission of that poor youth, Hannibal—which -I, like a Blockhead, forgot to return him—He -will be quite unhappy about it, poor Boy.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And how came you by it?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> By it, my Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Why did he give it you?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> To—to—to——</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> To what?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> To get—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> To get what? It wants nothing!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>to Susan</i>) It wants the Seal.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>to Figaro</i>) It wants the Seal.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh, my Lord, what it wants to be sure -is a mere trifle.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What trifle?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> You know, my Lord, it’s customary to—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> To what?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> To affix your Lordship’s Seal.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Looks at the Commission, finds the Seal is -wanting, and exclaims with vexation and disappointment</i>) -The Devil and his Imps!—It is written, -Count, thou shalt be a Dupe!—Where is this -Marcelina?</p> - -<p class="right">[<i>Going.</i></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Are you going, my Lord, without giving -Orders for our Wedding?</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> MARCELINA, BASIL, BOUNCE, <i>and -Vassals</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p class="right">(<i>The Count returns.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Forbear, my Lord, to give such Orders; -in Justice forbear. I have a written promise<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_50"></a>[50]</span> -under his hand, and I appeal to you, to redress my -injuries! You are my lawful Judge.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Pshaw! A trifle, my Lord: a note of -hand for money borrowed; nothing more.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Let the Advocates and Officers of Justice -be assembled in the great Hall; we will there determine -on the justice of your claim. It becomes -us not to suffer any Vassal of ours, however -we may privately esteem him, to be guilty of public -injury.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Your Lordship is acquainted with my -claims on Marcelina: I hope your Lordship will -grant me your support.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Oh, oh! Are you there, Prince of Knaves?</p> - -<p><ins class="corr" id="tn-50" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'Antanio'"> -<i>Antonio.</i></ins> Yes, that’s his title, sure enough.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Approach, honest Basil; faithful Agent -of our Will and Pleasure. (<i>Basil bows</i>) Go order -the Lawyers to assemble.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> My Lord!—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And tell the Peasant, by whom you sent -me the Letter this morning, I want to speak with -him.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Your Lordship is pleased to joke with -your humble Servant. I know no such Peasant.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> You will be pleased to find him, notwithstanding.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> My Office, in this House, as your Lordship -knows, is not to go of Errands! Think, my -Lord, how that would degrade a man of my talents; -who have the honour to teach my Lady the -Harpsichord, the Mandoline to her Woman, and -to entertain your Lordship, and your Lordship’s -good Company, with my Voice and my Guitar, -whenever your Lordship pleases to honor me with -your Commands.</p> - -<p><i>Bounce.</i> I will go, if your Lordship pleases to<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_51"></a>[51]</span> -let me: I should be very glad to oblige your -Lordship.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What’s thy Name?</p> - -<p><i>Bounce.</i> Pedro Bounce, my Lord, Fire-work -maker to your Lordship.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Thy zeal pleases me, thou shalt go.</p> - -<p><i>Bounce.</i> Thank your Lordship, thank your noble -Lordship. (<i>Leaps.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>To Basil</i>) And do you be pleased, Sir, -to entertain the Gentleman, on his Journey, with -your Voice and your Guitar; he is part of my -good Company.</p> - -<p><i>Bounce.</i> (<i>Leaps</i>) I am part of my Lord’s good -Company! Who would have thought it!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> My Lord——</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Depart! Obey! Or, depart from my Service.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Exit.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> ’Tis in vain to resist. Shall I wage war -with a Lion, who am only——</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> A Calf—<span class="omitted">“But come, you seem vex’d -about it—I will open the Ball—Strike up, tis -my Susan’s Wedding-day.”</span></p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Come along, Mr. Bounce. (<i>Basil begins to -play, Figaro dances and sings off before him, and -Bounce follows, dancing after.</i>)</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt.</i>)</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Manent</i> COUNTESS <i>and</i> SUSAN.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> You see, Susan, to what Danger I -have been exposed by Figaro and his fine concerted -Billet.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Dear Madam, if you had but seen -yourself when I bounced out upon my Lord! -So pale, such Terror in your Countenance! -And then your suddenly assumed tranquillity!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> “Oh no, every Faculty was lost in my -Fears.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “I assure your Ladyship to the contrary;<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_52"></a>[52]</span> -in a few Lessons you would learn to dissemble -and fib with as good a Grace as any Lady in -the Land.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> And so that poor Child jumped out of -the Window?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Without the least hesitation—as light -and as chearful as a Linnet.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> I wish however I could convict my false -Count of his Infidelity.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> The Page will never dare, after this, to -make a second attempt.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Ha!—A lucky project! I will meet -him myself; and then nobody will be exposed.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> But suppose, Madam—</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> My Success has emboldened me, and -I am determined to try—(<i>Sees the Riband left on -the chair</i>) What’s here? My Riband! I will keep -it as a Memento of the danger to which that poor -Youth—<span class="omitted">“Ah my Lord—Yet let me have a -care, let me look to myself, to my own Conduct, -lest I should give occasion to say—Ah my -Lady!”</span> (<i>The Countess puts the Riband in her -Pocket.</i>) You must not mention a Word of this, -Susan, to any body.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Except Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> No exceptions, he must not be -told; he will spoil it, by mixing some plot of -his own with it—I have promised thee a Portion -thou knowest—these men are liberal in their Pleasures—Perhaps -I may double it for thee; it will -be Susan’s Right.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Your Project is a charming one, Madam, -and I shall yet have my Figaro.</p> - -<p class="right">[<i>Exit Susan, kissing the Countess’s Hand.</i></p> - -<p class="p4 center">End of <span class="lsp2">ACT</span> II.</p> - - </div> - - <div class="width30"> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_53"></a>[53]</span><br></p> - -<h2 class="p2 nobreak" id="ACT_III">ACT III.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center">SCENE, the Great Hall.</p> - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p>(<i>A Judge’s Chair, four other Chairs, Benches with -red Baize, a Table and a Stool, with Pen, Ink -and Paper.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter the</i> COUNT, <i>dressed, and a</i> SERVANT, -<i>booted.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i></p> - -<p class="moveup drop-capy">Ride to Seville with all speed; enquire -if the Page has joined his Regiment, -and at what o’clock precisely he arrived; -give him this Commission, and return like -lightening.</p> - -<p><i>Servant.</i> And if he is not there—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Return still quicker.—Go; fly!——(<i>Exit -Servant</i>)—I was wrong to send Basil out of -the way—He might have been very serviceable—But -Anger was never wise—I scarcely know at -present what I wish—When once the Passions -have obtained the Mastery, there is no Mind, -however consistent, but becomes as wild and incongruous -as a Dream—If the Countess, Susan, -and Figaro should understand each other and plot -to betray me!—If the Page <i>was</i> shut up in her -dressing-room—Oh! no!—The Respect she bears -herself—my Honor!—My Honor? And in my -Wife’s keeping?—Honor in a Woman’s possession, -like Ice Cream in the mouth, melts away in<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_54"></a>[54]</span> -a contest of Pleasure and Pain—I will sound Figaro, -however.</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> FIGARO, <i>behind</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Here am I. (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And if I have reason to suppose them -plotting against me, he shall marry Marcelina.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Perhaps not. (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But in that case, what must Susan be?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> My Wife, if you please.—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Figaro’s eagerness -occasions him to speak aloud——The -Count turns round astonished.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> My Wife, if you please!—To whom did -you say my Wife, if you please?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> To—to—to—That is—They were the -last words of a sentence I was saying to one of -the Servants—Go and tell so and so to—<i>my Wife, -if you please</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Your Wife!—Zounds, you are very -fond of your Wife.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I love to be singular.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> You have made me wait for you here a -long while.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I have been changing my Stockings, -which I dirtied in the fall.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Servants, I think, are longer dressing -than their Masters.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Well they may—They are obliged to -dress themselves.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> If in sifting my Gentleman, I find him -unwilling to go to France, I may conclude Susan -has betrayed me. (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> He has mischief in his head, but I’ll -watch his motions. (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_55"></a>[55]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Approaches Figaro with familiarity</i>)—Thou -knowest, Figaro, it was my intention to -have taken thee with me on my Embassy to Paris, -but I believe thou dost not understand French.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Perfectly.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Indeed!—Let’s hear.—(<i>Figaro pulls out -his purse and jingles it</i>)—Is that all the French -thou understandest?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> All!—Is not that enough, think you, -my Lord?—That’s a Language understood in -every corner of the habitable Earth, and in no -place better than in Paris.—<span class="omitted">“Your Philosophers, -who lament the loss of an universal Language, -are Fools—They always carry one in their -pockets.”</span> As for a knowledge of French, my -Lord, I maintain, <i>s’il vous plait</i>, and a Purse are -all that’s necessary—Let but the sound of Silver -jingle in a Frenchman’s ears, and he will instantly -understand your meaning, be it what it will.— -<span class="omitted">“If you have a Law-suit, and wish to gain your -Cause, go to the Judge, pull off your Hat, -and pull out your Purse; smile, shake it, and -pronounce, <i>s’il vous plait, Monsieur</i>—</span></p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Count.</i> “And your Adversary is overthrown.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Undoubtedly—Unless he understands -French still better than you—Do you wish the -<i>Friendship</i> of a great Lord, or a great Lady, -its still the same—Chink, chink, and <i>s’il vous -plait, Monseigneur—S’il vous plait, Madame</i>—The -French are a very witty People!—Amazingly -quick of apprehension!—Therefore, my Lord, -if you have no other reason than this for leaving -me behind—”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But thou art no Politician.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_56"></a>[56]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Pardon me, my Lord, I am as great a -master of Politics——</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> As thou art of French.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh, my Lord, the thing is so easy—He -must be a Fool indeed who could find his vanity -flattered by his skill in Politics—To appear always -deeply concerned for the good of the State, -yet to have no other end but Self-interest; to assemble -and say Nothing; to pretend vast Secrecy -where there is nothing to conceal; to shut yourself -up in your Chamber, and mend your pen or -pick your Teeth, while your Footmen inform -the attending Croud you are too busy to be approach’d—this, -with the art of intercepting Letters, -imitating Hands, pensioning Traitors, and -rewarding Flatterers, is the whole mystery of Politics, -or I am an Idiot.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> This is the definition of a Partisan not a -Politician.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Party and Politics are much the same, -they are become synonimous terms.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Aside</i>) Since he is so willing to go to -Paris, Susan has said nothing.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> ’Tis now my turn to attack. (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And—I suppose thou wilt take thy Wife -with thee—to Paris?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> No—no—I should be obliged to quit -her so frequently, that I am afraid the Cares of -the marriage state would lie too heavy on my head -(<i>significantly.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Susan has betrayed me. (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Aside</i>) He does not like the retort.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Count smiles, approaches Figaro with great familiarity, -and leans upon his shoulder—By-play between -the Count and Figaro.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_57"></a>[57]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> The time was, Figaro, when thou wert -more open—Formerly thou wouldst tell me any -thing.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And at present I conceal nothing.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What can be the Countess’s motives—(<i>The -Count puts his arm round Figaro’s neck—By-play -again</i>)—I—Thou seest I anticipate her wishes, -load her with presents——</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Will give her any thing but yourself—Of -what worth are Trinkets when we are in want -of Necessaries?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Come, come; be sincere—Tell me—How -much did the Countess give thee for this -last plot?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> As much as your Lordship gave me for -helping you to steal her from her old jealous -Guardian—<span class="omitted">“A noble Lord should not endeavour -to degrade an honest Servant, lest he should make -him a Knave.”</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But wherefore is there continually some -Mystery in thy conduct?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Because the Conduct of others is mysterious.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Appearances, my dear Figaro, really -speak thee a great Knave.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Looking round at the Count’s hand upon -his shoulders, and observing his familiarity</i>)—<i>Appearances</i>, -my dear Lord, are frequently false—I am -much better than I appear to be-Can the Great in -general say as much?—(<i>Aside</i>)—Take that.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Yes, yes; she has told him. (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “I shall content myself, my Lord, -with the portion your Lordship has promised -me on my Marriage, and the place of Steward<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_58"></a>[58]</span> -of this Castle, with which you have honoured -me, and willingly remain with my Wife here -in Andalusia, far from troubles and intrigue.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “But thou hast Abilities, and might rise -to Preferment.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Preferred by my Abilities my Lord!——Your -Lordship is pleased to laugh at me.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Yes, yes; Susan has betrayed me, and -my Gentleman marries Marcelina. (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> He has been angling for Gudgeons, and -what has he caught? (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter a</i> SERVANT.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Servant.</i> Don Guzman and the Counsellors are -without.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Let them wait.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Ironically</i>) Aye, let them wait. (<i>Exit Serv.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And dost thou expect to gain thy -Cause?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> With the assistance of Justice and my -Lord’s good wishes, who respects Youth too -much himself to force others to wed with Age.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> A Judge knows no distinction of -persons.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Well—Time, say the Italians, is a -valiant Fellow, and tells Truth”—But what -was it your Lordship was pleased to send for me -for?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> For—(<i>Somewhat embarrassed</i>) To see these -benches and chairs set in order.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> That is already done, my Lord. Here is -the great chair for your Lordship, a seat for the -President, a table and stool for his Clerk, two -benches for the Lawyers, the middle for the Beau -monde, and the Mob in the back ground. (<i>Exit.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_59"></a>[59]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> He is too cunning; I can get nothing -out of him; but they certainly understand each -other.—They may toy and be as loving as they -please, but as for wedding—</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> SUSAN.</p> -</div> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>She comes up to the Count’s elbow while he is speaking, -and is surprized to see him in such an ill humour.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> My Lord!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> My Lady!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> My Lady has sent me for your Lordship’s -smelling-bottle; she has got the vapours.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Here; and when she has done with it, -borrow it for yourself,—it may be useful.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I the vapours, my Lord! Oh no, that’s -too polite a disease for a Servant to pretend to!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Fits may come;—Love so violent as -yours cannot bear disappointment; and when -Figaro marries Marcelina—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Oh, suppose the worst, my Lord, we can -pay Marcelina with the Portion your Lordship has -promised us!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> I promis’d you a portion?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> If my ears did not deceive me, I understood -as much.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Yes, if you had pleas’d to <i>understand</i> me, -but since you do not.—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Pretending bashfulness</i>) It’s always soon -enough to own one’s weakness, my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>with an instant change of countenance</i>) -What! Wilt thou take a walk this evening in the -garden, by the Pavilion?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Don’t I take Walks every evening, my -Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Nay, nay, but let us understand each -other—No Pavilion, no Marriage.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_60"></a>[60]</span></p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And no Marriage, no Pavilion, my Lord! -(<i>curtsying</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What a witty little Devil! I wonder -what she does to fascinate me so!—But prithee tell -me why hast thou always, till now, refused with -such obstinacy? This very Morning, thou -knowest——</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> This Morning, my Lord!—What, and -the Page behind the Great-chair!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Oh, true! I had forgot!—But when -Basil has spoken to thee in my behalf.—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Is it necessary, my Lord, such a knave -as Basil should know every thing that passes?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> She is right again!—But—(<i>Suspicious</i>) -thou wilt go, now, and tell Figaro all.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> To be sure, my Lord. I always tell him -all—except what is necessary to conceal.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Ah the Hussey! What a charming little -Knave it is! Run, run to thy Mistress; she is waiting, -and may suspect us.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Hesitating</i>) So your Lordship can’t perceive -that I only wanted a pretext to speak to your -Lordship.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Count unable to conceal his transport, is going -to kiss her, but hears somebody coming, and they -separate</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>As he turns.</i>) She absolutely bewitches -me! I had sworn to think no more of her, but -she winds me just as she pleases!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Count goes off, and Figaro enters, but the -Count hearing Figaro’s Voice, returns and -peeps</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Well, my Susan, what does he say?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Hush! Hush! He is just gone—Thou -hast gained thy Cause—Run, run, run.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit Susan, running, Figaro following.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_61"></a>[61]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Well, but how, how, my Charmer?</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt.</i>)</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Re-enter</i> COUNT.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Thou hast gained thy Cause—Aha! -And is it so, my pair of Knaves!—Am I your -Dupe then?—A very pretty Net! But the Cuckoo -is not caught—Come!—Proceed we to judgment! -(<i>With passion</i>) Be we just!—Cool!—Impartial!—Inflexible—</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit.</i>)</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> Don GUZMAN, MARCELINA, <i>and</i> -DOCTOR.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> I shall be happy, Mr. President, to -explain the justice of my Cause.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> To shew you on what grounds this -Lady proceeds.</p> - -<p><i>D. Guzman.</i> (<i>Stuttering</i>) We-e-e-ell, le-et us -exa-a-mine the matter ve-erbally.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> There is a promise of Marriage——</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> I co-o-o-ompre—hend! Gi-i-iven by -you-ou-ou—to—</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> No, Mr. President, given <i>to</i> me.</p> - -<p><i>Guz.</i> I co-o-o-omprehend! Gi-iven <i>to</i> you.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> And a sum of Money which I——</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> I co-o-o-omprehend! Which you-ou -ha-ave received.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> No, Mr. President, which I have -lent.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> I co-o-o-omprehend!—It is re-e-paid.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> No, Mr. President, it is <i>not</i> repaid.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> I co-o-o-omprehend—The m-m-man -would marry you to pay his de-de-de-bts.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> No, Mr. President, he would neither -marry me, <i>nor</i> pay his debts.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_62"></a>[62]</span></p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> D-d—do you think I d-d-d-don’t co-o-omprehend -you?</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> And are you, Mr. President, to judge -this Cause?</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> T-t-t-to be sure—Wha-at else did I -purchase my Place for thi-ink you, (<i>Laughs stupidly -at the supposed folly of the Question</i>) And where -is the De-fe-e-endant?</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> FIGARO.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Here, at your service.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Yes, that’s the Knave.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Perhaps I interrupt you.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Guzman.</i> “Ha-ave not I see-een you before, -young Man?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Oh yes, Mr. President, I once served -your Lady.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> “How lo-ong since?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Nine months before the birth of her -last Child—And a fine Boy it is, though I -say it.</p> - </div> - -<p><span class="omitted"><i>Guzman.</i> “Y-es—He’s the F-flower of the -Flock”—</span> And the cau-ause betwee-een—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> A Bagatelle, Mr. President! A Bagatelle.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> (<i>Laughs.</i>) A Ba-ag-a-telle! A pro-o-mise -of Ma-a-arriage a Ba-a-gatelle! Ha! ha! ha!——And -dost thou hope to ca-ast the Pla-aintiff?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> To be sure, Mr. President! You being -one of the Judges.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> (<i>With stupid dignity</i>) Ye-e-es! I am -one of the Judges!—Hast thou see-een D-D-Doublefee, -my Se-ecretary?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Yes, Mr. President! That’s a duty not -to be neglected.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> The young Fellow is not so si-i-imple -I thought.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_63"></a>[63]</span></p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter Cryer of the Court, Guards, Count, Counsellors -and Vassals.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Cryer.</i> Make room there, for my Lord, the -Count.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Wherefore in your Robes, Don Guzman? -It was unnecessary for a mere domestic -matter like this.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Pa-a-ardon me, my Lord! <span class="omitted">“Those -who would tre-e-emble at the Clerk of the -Court in his Robes, would la-augh at the Judge -without ’em.”</span> Forms! Forms! are sacred things.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>The Count and the Court seat themselves.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Call silence in the Court.</p> - -<p><i>Cryer.</i> Silence in the Court.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Read “over the Causes”, D-D-Doublefee.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Doublefee.</i> “The Count de los Altos Montes di -Agnas Frescas, Señor di Montes Fieros, y otros -Montes, Plaintiff, against Alonzo Calderon, -a Comic Poet. The question at present before -the Court, is, to know the Author of a Comedy -that has been damned; which they mutually -disavow and attribute to each other.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “They are both very right in mutually -disavowing it; and be it decreed, that if, -hereafter, they should produce a successful -Piece, its Fame shall appertain to the Count, and -its Merit to the Poet—The next.</p> - -<p><i>Doublefee.</i> “Diego Macho, Day-labourer, Plaintiff, -against Gil-Perez-Borcado, Tax-gatherer, -and receiver of the Gabels, for having violently -dispossessed the said Diego Macho, Day-labourer, -of his Cow.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “This Cause does not come within my<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_64"></a>[64]</span> -Jurisdiction; but as it is probable the Day-labourer -will never obtain Justice; do thou see, -Figaro, that another Cow be sent him; lest his -Family should be starved—The next.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Doublefee.</i> Marcelina-Jane-Maria<ins class="corr" id="tn-64" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: '-Angelica-Mustacio'"> --Angelica-Mustachio</ins>, -Spinster, Plaintiff, against—(<i>To Figaro</i>) -Here’s no surname!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Anonymous.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Ano-o-onymous—I never heard the -Name before!</p> - -<p><i>Doublefee.</i> Against Figaro Anonymous. What -Profession?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Gentleman.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Gentleman!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I might have been born a Prince, if -Heaven had pleased.</p> - -<p><i>Doublefee.</i> Against Figaro Anonymous, Gentleman, -Defendant. The Question before the -Court relates to a promise of Marriage; the Parties -have retained no Council, contrary to the ancient -and established practice of Courts.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> What occasion for Council? A race of -<ins class="corr" id="tn-64a" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'Gentleman who are'"> -Gentlemen who are</ins> always so very learned, they -know every thing, except their Briefs! Who insolently -interrogate Modesty and Timidity, and -endeavour, by confusing, to make Honesty forswear -itself; and, after having laboured for hours, -with all legal prolixity, to perplex self-evident -Propositions, and bewilder the understandings -of the Judges, sit down as proud as if they had -just pronounced a Phillipic of Demosthenes—(<i>Addressing -himself to the Court</i>) My Lord, and Gentlemen—The -Question before the Court is——</p> - -<p><i>Doublefee.</i> (<i>Interrupting him</i>) It is not you to -speak, you are the Defendant——Who pleads for -the Plaintiff?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_65"></a>[65]</span></p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> I.</p> - -<p><i>Doublefee.</i> You! A Physician turn Lawyer?—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh yes, and equally skilful in both.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Read the Promise of Marriage, Doctor.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Re-e-ead the Pro-o-omise of Marriage.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> (<i>Reads</i>) I acknowledge to have received -of Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, -the sum of two thousand Piasters, in the Castle of -Count Almaviva, which sum I promise to repay -to the said Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, -<i>and</i> to marry her. Signed, Figaro. (<i>Addressing -himself to the Count</i>) My Lord, and Gentlemen! -Hem! Never did cause more interesting, -more intricate, or in which the Interest of Mankind, -their Rights, Properties, Lives and Liberties -were more materially involved, ever claim the -profound Attention of this most learned, most honourable -Court, and from the time of Alexander -the Great, who promised to espouse the beauteous -Thalestris——</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Stop, most formidable Orator; and ere -you proceed, enquire whether the Defendant does -not contest the validity of your Deed.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> (<i>To Figaro</i>) Do you co-ontest the va-va-va-va-lidity -of the Dee-eed?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> My Lord and Gentlemen! Hem! There -is in this Case, either Fraud, Error, Malice, or mischievous -Intention, for the Words of the Acknowledgment -are, I promise to repay the said -Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, the -said sum of two thousand Piasters <i>or</i> to marry her, -which is very different.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> I affirm it is AND.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I affirm it is OR.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Well, suppose it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_66"></a>[66]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> No Supposition, I will have it granted.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Clerk, Read you the Promise.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Re-e-ead the P-P-P-Promise, D-D-D-Double-fee.</p> - -<p><i>Doublefee.</i> (<i>Reads</i>) I acknowledge to have received -of Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, -the sum of two thousand Piasters, in the -Castle of Count Almaviva, which sum I promise -to repay the said Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, -<i>and—or—and—or—or</i>—The Word -is blotted.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> No matter; the Sense of the Phrase is -equally clear. This learned Court is not now to be -informed the word or particle, Or, hath various -significations—It means <i>otherwise</i> and <i>either</i>—It -likewise means <i>before</i>—For example, in the language -of the Poet.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Or</i> ’ere the Sun decline the western Sky,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Tis Fate’s decree the Victims all must die.</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> This was the language of Prophesy, and -spoken of the Doctor’s own Patients.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Count.</i> “Silence in the Court.</p> - -<p><i>Crier.</i> “Silence in the Court.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “Hence then, I clearly deduce (granting -the word to be <i>Or</i>) the Defendant doth -hereby promise, not only to pay the Plaintiff, -but marry her <i>before</i> he pays her—<ins class="corr" id="tn-66" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'Again, the the word'"> -Again, the word</ins> <i>Or</i> doth sometimes signify <i>Wherefore</i>, -as another great and learned Poet hath it,</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="verse indentq">“<i>Or</i> how could heav’nly Justice damn us all,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who ne’er consented to our Father’s Fall?</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>“That is <i>wherefore</i>? For what reason could<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_67"></a>[67]</span> -heavenly Justice do such an unjust thing? Let -us then substitute the adverb <i>Wherefore</i>, and the -intent and meaning of the Promise will be incontestable; -for, after reciting an acknowledgement -of the debt, it concludes with the remarkable -words, <i>Or</i> to marry her, that is, wherefore, -for which reason, out of gratitude, for the Favour -above done me, <i>I will marry her</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Oh most celebrated Doctor? Most -poetic Quibbler!</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="verse indentq">“Hark with what florid Impotence he speaks,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And as his Malice prompts, the Puppet squeaks,</div> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Or</i> at the ear of Eve, familiar Toad,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Half froth, half venom, spits himself abroad</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In legal Puns, <i>or</i> Quibbles, Quirks, <i>or</i> Lies,</div> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Or</i> Spite, <i>or</i> Taunts, <i>or</i> Rhymes, <i>or</i> Blasphemies.</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>“What think you we know not Quotations, and -Poets, and <i>Ands</i>, and <i>Ors</i>, and <i>Whys</i>, and -<i>Wherefores</i>.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="verse indentq">“What Drop <i>or</i> Nostrum, can such Plagues remove,</div> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Or</i> which must end me, a Fool’s Wrath—<i>Or</i> Love?</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p class="right">(<i>Pointing first to the Doctor, and then to Marcelina</i>)</p> - </div> - -<p><span class="omitted">“We have neither forgot our Reading nor our -Syntax, but can easily translate a dull Knave into -a palpable Fool—”</span> My Lord, and Gentlemen, -You hear his Sophisms, Poetical, and Conundrums, -Grammatical.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_68"></a>[68]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Yes, yes, we hear.</p> - -<p>(<i>Count and the Counsellors rise and consult together.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> I’m glad they have put an end to your -prating.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Their Whisperings and wise Grimaces -forebode me no good. That Susan has corrupted -the chief Judge, and he is corrupting all the -others.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> It looks devilish like it.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>The Count and Counsellors resume their seats.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Doublefee.</i> Silence in the Court.</p> - -<p><i>Crier.</i> Silence in the Court.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> The judgment of the Court is, that -since the validity of the promise of Marriage is -not well established, Figaro is permitted to dispose -of his Person.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> The Day’s my own.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> I thought how it would be.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But as the Acknowledgement clearly expresses -the words, <i>Which sum I promise to pay -the said Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, -or to marry her</i>, the said Figaro stands -condemned to pay the two thousand Piasters to -the Plaintiff, or marry her in the course of the -Day.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I’m undone!</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> I am happy!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And I am revenged!</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Thank your noble Lordship! Most -humbly thank your noble Lordship!—Ah ha! I’m -glad thou art not to marry my Niece! I’ll go and -tell her the good news!</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Crier.</i> Clear the Court.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt Guards, Counsellors, and Vassals.</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_69"></a>[69]</span></p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Manent Don Guzman, Figaro, Marcelina and Dr. -Bartholo.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> ’Tis this Furze-ball, this Fungus of a -President that has lost me my Cause.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> I a F-F-Furze-ball and a F-F-Fungus!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Sits down dejected</i>) I will never marry -her.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Thou mu-ust ma-arry her.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> What! Without the Consent of my noble -Parents?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Returning</i>) Where are they? Who are -they?—He will still complain of injustice—Name -them.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Allow me time, my Lord—I must first -know where to find them, and yet it ought not to be -long, for I have been seeking them these five -Years.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> What! A Foundling?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> No Foundling, but stolen from my Parents.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Poh! This is too palpable.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit Count</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Had I no other Proof of my Birth than -the precious Stones, Ring, and Jewels found upon -me, these would be sufficient—but I bear the -Mark——</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>He is going to shew his Arm.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Of a Lobster on your left Arm.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> How do you know that?</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> ’Tis he himself!</p> - -<p><span class="omitted"><i>Figaro.</i> “Yes, it’s me myself.”</span></p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> ’Tis Fernando!</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Thou wert stolen away by Gypsies.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> By Gypsies!—Oh Doctor, if thou can’st -but restore me to my illustrious Parents, <span class="omitted">“Mountains<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_70"></a>[70]</span> -of Gold will not sufficiently speak their -gratitude.”</span></p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Behold thy Mother.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Pointing to Marcelina.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Nurse, you mean!</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Thy own Mother!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Explain!</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> And there behold thy Father.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Pointing to the Doctor.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> He, my Father! Oh Lord! Oh Lord! -Oh Lord! (<i>Stamps about.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> (<i>With great wisdom</i>) It will be no m-m-match—that’s -evi-dent.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Hast thou not felt Nature pleading -within thee, at sight of me?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Never.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina</i>. This was the secret cause of all my -Fondness for thee.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> No doubt—And of my aversion—Instinct -is very powerful.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Come to my arms, my dear, my long -lost Child.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Figaro and Marcelina embrace, the -Doctor leans against the Benches.</i>)</p> -</div> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> ANTONIO <i>and</i> SUSAN.</p> -</div> - -<p class="right">(<i>The latter runs to find the Count</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>In great Agitation</i>) Oh, where is my -Lord? Here is the Money to pay Marcelina with! -The Portion which my noble and generous Lady -has given me!</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> (<i>pulling Susan, and pointing to Figaro, -who kisses Marcelina.</i>) Here! here! Look -this way!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Susan, at seeing them embrace becomes -furious, and is going away, Figaro runs and brings -her back.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_71"></a>[71]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Stop, stop, my Susan.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I have seen enough—Since you are so -fond of her, pray marry her.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Thou art mistaken.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> No, I am not mistaken.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Gives him a slap in the face.</i>)</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Rubbing his Cheek</i>) “This is Love—Pshaw! -Prithee come hither, look at that Lady—How -dost thou like her?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Not at all.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Well said Jealousy, she does not -mince the Matter.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Dear Susan, this, this is my Son!</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Yes, they wanted me to marry my -Mother.”</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> “Your Mother!——It is not long -since——</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “I have known it—True.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Yes, my dearest Susan, embrace thy -Mother—Thy Mother, who will love thee dearly.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And do you consent I shall have my Figaro?</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Willingly. (<i>Susan runs and kisses her</i>) -Here, my Son, here is the Promise.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Gives him the Paper.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And here is the Portion.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Gives him a Purse of Money.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="omitted"><i>Figaro.</i> “My manly Pride would fain make me -restrain my tears, but they flew in spite of me—Well, -let ’em! Let ’em flow! Joys like these -never come twice in one’s Life! Oh, my Mother, -Oh, my Susan!”</span></p> - -<p class="right">(<i>They all three embrace, weeping.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> (<i>weeping.</i>) What a Foo-oo-ool am I! -L-L-Look, if I don’t k-k-k-cry as well as the best -of ’em.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>to the Doctor</i>) My Father.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_72"></a>[72]</span></p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Keep off! I disclaim thee!</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Why then, if you are his Father, you -are a Turkish Jew, and no Christian Father.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> A Knave that tricked me of my Ward, -cheated me of my Money, and now has been -turning my Wisdom into ridicule.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And are not you, being a wise Man, -proud to have a Son wiser than yourself?</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> No—I would have no one wiser than -myself.</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Come, come, look you, I am <span class="omitted">“a good -Catholic, and”</span> an old Castilian, therefore, unless -your Father and Mother become lawful Man -and Wife, I will never consent to give you my -Niece. No, no, she sha’n’t marry a man who is -the child of Nobody, neither.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Here’s an old Fool!—The Child of -Nobody, Ha! ha! ha! (<i>Laughs stupidly, and then -assumes great Wisdom</i>) Hav’n’t you lived long -enough to know that every Child must have a Father?</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “Consider, good Doctor, your Promise, -if ever our Child was found.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “Pshaw!</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “And here is a Son you surely need -not be ashamed of.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Ah my dear Pappa!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “My generous, worthy Father.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Susan strokes his Cheek, Figaro kneels, and Marcelina -coaxes him.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “You don’t know how we will all love -you.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “What care we will take of you.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “How happy we will make you.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “Good Doctor, dear Pappa, generous -Father! (<i>Bursts out a crying</i>) See, if I am not even<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_73"></a>[73]</span> -a greater Foo-oo-ool than Mr. President! (<i>Guzman -staggers back at the Doctor’s Compliment</i>) -they mould me like Dough, lead me like a -Child. (<i>Marcelina, Susan, and Figaro testify their -Joy by their Actions.</i>) Nay, nay, but I hav’n’t -yet said yes.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “But you have thought yes.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “And look’d yes.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Come, come, we must be quick; let -us run and find the Count, otherwise he will invent -some new pretext to break off the Match.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt Doctor, Marcelina, Figaro and Susan.</i>)</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Manent Don</i> GUZMAN.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> “A greater Foo-oo-ool than Mr. -President!—The People in this House are truly -very stupid and ill bred.”</p> - </div> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit.</i>)</p> - -<p class="p4 center">End of <span class="lsp2">ACT</span> III.</p> - - </div> - - <div class="width30"> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_74"></a>[74]</span><br></p> - -<h2 class="p2 nobreak" id="ACT_IV">ACT IV.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center">SCENE, a large Saloon.</p> - -<p class="center">FIGARO <i>and</i> SUSAN, <i>both joyous</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i></p> - -<p class="moveup drop-capy">She has converted her Doctor at last—They -are to be married, and these -so late implacable Enemies are now become our -dearest Friends.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> What unexpected Happiness!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Chance, my Susan—All the effect of -Chance—<span class="omitted">“Yesterday, without a Relation in the -World I could claim, to-day, behold me restored -to my Parents—True it is, they are -neither so rich nor so right honorable, so belaced -nor betitled as my imagination had -painted them—But that’s all one, they are -mine”</span>—I may truly be called both a Chance -Child, and a Child of Chance—By Chance was I -begot, by Chance brought into the World, by -Chance was I stole, by Chance am I found, by -Chance have I lived, and by Chance I shall die—Chance -is Nature’s Sovereign, and must be -mine.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Yes, and by Chance thou mayst come -to be hang’d. (<i>Laughs.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Or thou to be an Empress—Neither of -them are impossible—He, the Conqueror, whose -Ambition ravages the Earth, and whose Pride -eats up Nations, is not less the sport of Chance<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_75"></a>[75]</span> -than the blind Beggar who is conducted by -his dog.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Ha, ha, ha!—Prithee leave thy Philosophy, -and—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And think of that other blind beggar, -Love—Most willingly, my Angel. (<i>Kisses her.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Pooh, Pooh!—That was not what I -meant.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Rather say it was not half thy meaning, -or thy meaning ill expressed. (<i>Kisses her again.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Ah, Figaro! Were this fondness, these -days but durable—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Durable!—Iron and Adamant—No; -may millions of imaginary Gallants wrack my -heart and decorate my—</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Susan.</i> “No rhodomantade, Figaro—Tell me -the simple truth.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “By the truest of all Truths I swear—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Truest of Truths!—Are there various -kinds of Truths then?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “No doubt.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Fie!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “There are Truths that may be spoken: -such as the Peccadillos of a poor Rascal! -Truths that may not be spoken: such as the -Robberies of a rich Rascal—There are your -Truths comprehensible: such as that two and two -make four; and your Truths incomprehensible: -such as that two and two make five—Then -there are your Tradesman’s Truths, which he -retails to his Customers, your Lover’s Truths, -which he pours wholesale into his Mistress’s -ear—Your Courtier’s Truths, on which he feeds -his Dependants and Parasites—Your Court of -Law, or Kiss-the-Book Truths, which are the -daily support of a <i>vast</i> number of <i>very</i><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_76"></a>[76]</span> -<ins class="corr" id="tn-76" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'honest ple'"> -honest people</ins>—There are also your physical and metaphysical -Truths—Your old Truths and your new -Truths—Your heterodox and orthodox Truths—Your -Mahometan Truths, your Jewish Truths, -and your—other kind of truths, concerning -which there never was nor ever will be any -doubt—Not to mention your Truths <i>in</i> fashion: -such as that Idleness, Ignorance, Dissipation, -Gaming and Seduction are the requisites of a -Gentleman—And your Truths <i>out</i> of fashion: -such as that Gentleness, Obedience, Œconomy, -and connubial Love are the requisites of a <i>Gentlewoman</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “I find by your account of the matter, -Figaro, that poor Truth, like a Lottery Ticket, -is so divided and sub-divided, so halved, quartered, -cut, carv’d, split and spliced, it is no -where entire to be found.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “No where.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “And moreover, that what is Truth to-day -may be a Lie to-morrow.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “May be! Must be.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Consequently, that in less than twenty-four -hours, my very tender submissive, ardent -Lover may be metamorphosed into an arbitrary, -cold, haughty <i>Husband</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Impossible!—Impossible, my Susan! -As it is for thee, my gentle, kind, and beauteous -Bride, to be transformed into an ill-tempered, -extravagant slatternly <i>Wife</i>.</p> - </div> - -<p><span class="omitted"><i>Susan.</i> “I understand thee”</span>—Well, Well—We -will endeavour to convert the iron Bands of -Matrimony into a flowery Wreath which Love -shall teach us to bear lightly and joyously through -Life.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_77"></a>[77]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Aye, and thus live a happy Exception -to the established usage of a mad World.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> But prithee, who is to go disguised and -meet the Count?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Who?—Nobody—Let him wait and -fret, and bite his Nails—I never meant thou -shouldst go.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I assure thee I never had any inclination.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Is that the real Truth, Susan?”</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “What! Thinkest thou I am as learned -as thou art? And that I keep several sorts of -Truths?”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>With fond Vivacity</i>). And dost thou -love me?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Tenderly</i>). Too much, I doubt.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Ah!—That’s but little.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> How!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> In Love’s Creed, too much is not even -enough.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I understand nothing of this over-refinement, -but I feel I shall love my Husband most -heartily.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Keep thy word, and put our modern -Wives to the blush.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Afford them a subject to laugh and point -at, thou mean’st.</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter the</i> COUNTESS.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Wherever you meet One of them, be -certain you shall find a Pair. (<i>They salute the -Countess</i>)—The Bridesmen and Maids wait for you, -Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I will take my excuse in my hand—(<i>Going -to lead out Susan</i>)—Few offenders can plead -so charming a one.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> No, no; stop Susan: I want you—She<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_78"></a>[78]</span> -shall come presently. (<i>Exit Figaro</i>).—Well, -Susan, the time approaches, we must prepare for -the Rendezvous.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Susan.</i> “I must not go, Madam, Figaro is unwilling.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Angry</i>). “Figaro!—Figaro is not so -scrupulous when a Marriage-portion is in question—That’s -a poor Pretence; you are sorry -you have told the truth, and discovered the -Intentions of the Count.—Go, go—I am not to -be so deceived. (<i>Going</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Catching hold of her and kneeling</i>). “Ah, -Madam! Let me conjure you to hear me, to -pardon me.—How can you think me capable -of deceiving so good, so liberal a Lady, -whose bounties I have so often felt!——Oh, -no; it is because I have promised Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Mildly and Smiling</i>). “Rise—Hast -thou forgot, silly Girl, that it is I who am -to go and not thee.—(<i>Kisses her forehead</i>)—But—I -was too hasty.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “My dear, my generous Mistress.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> And what is the place of Rendezvous?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> The Pavilion in the Garden.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> There are two.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> But they are opposite.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> True—At what hour?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I don’t know.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> That must be fixed—Sit down, take -the pen and write—</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Susan sits down, the Countess -dictates</i>)</p> - - -<p class="p1 center lsp2">A NEW SONG,</p> - -<p class="center">To the Tune of,</p> - -<p class="center"><i>The Twilight past, the Bell had toll’d</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Writes</i>). New song—Tune of—Bell had -toll’d—What next, Madam?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_79"></a>[79]</span></p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Dost think he will not understand -thee?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Looking archly at the Countess</i>). Very -true—(<i>Folding up the Letter</i>)—But here is neither -Wax nor Wafer.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Fasten it with a Pin, and write on the -direction, <i>Return the Seal</i>. (<i>Smiling.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Laughs</i>) The Seal!—(<i>Gets up.</i>)—This is -not quite so serious as the Commission just now -was.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Sighs</i>). Ah, Susan.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I have never a Pin.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Take this.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Gives her one which fastened -the Page’s riband to her breast; it falls.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Picking up the riband</i>) This is the Page’s -riband, Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Wouldst thou have me let him wear -it? It will do for Agnes; I will give it her the -first Bouquet she presents me.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Just as the Countess -has said this, Agnes and a troop of young -Maidens, among them the Page, in girl’s -cloaths, enter with nosegays for the Countess, -who instantly puts the riband in her pocket, -with an evident wish, by her looks and action, -to preserve it.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Looking at the Page</i>) What pretty -maiden is this?</p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> A Cousin of mine, Madam, that we have -invited to the Wedding.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Well, then, as we can wear but one -nosegay, let us do honour to the Stranger. (<i>Takes -the Nosegay from the Page, and kisses his forehead.</i>—(<i>Aside -to Susan</i>) Don’t you think, Susan, she resembles -amazingly—(<i>Stops short, and looks at Susan</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Amazingly, indeed, Madam!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_80"></a>[80]</span></p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> (<i>Aside</i>) What a precious kiss! I feel it -here. (<i>Putting his hand on his heart.</i>)</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter the Count, and Antonio with a hat in his hand.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> (<i>As he enters</i>) Yes, yes, my Lord, I’m -certain it was him. The rakish little Rascal is disguised -among the Girls. I found his new hat and -cockade here—hid in a basket. (<i>The Countess and -Susan surprised, look at the Page, and then at each -other. The girls surround and endeavour to hide Hannibal; -Antonio seeks among them</i>). Ay, ay, here he -is—here he is. (<i>Antonio takes off his cap, and puts on -his hat</i>) There, my Lord! There’s a pretty, modest -Virgin for you!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Well, my Lady!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Well, my Lord!—I am as much surprized -as you can be; and, I assure you, not less -vex’d.—At present, however, it is time to tell you -the whole Truth: This young gentleman (<i>Pointing -to the Page</i>) was hid in my Dressing-room.—We -attempted a Joke, which these Girls have put in -practice.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But wherefore hide him from me?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Because, my Lord, when your Passions -are predominant, you are incapable of either listening -to or believing the Truth.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Aside</i>) Must I for ever be disturbed, -haunted, and bewitch’d thus by this beardless Boy? -(<i>Turning with great wrath towards the Page</i>) What -is the reason, Sir, you have not obeyed my Commands?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> (<i>Draws back frightened, and takes off his -hat</i>) My-my-my Lord, I staid to teach Agnes the -Love scene she is to play in the Comedy this evening.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_81"></a>[81]</span></p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> (<i>Steps forward</i>) Ah, my Lord, when you -come to my room, you know, and want to kiss -me—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> I!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Countess remarks his embarrassment, -Susan laughs silently, and makes -signs to the Countess</i>).</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> Yes, my Lord! You say to me, My pretty -Agnes, if you will but love me, I will give you -any thing you wish to have; now, my Lord, if you -will give me Hannibal for a husband, I will love -you with all my heart.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> You hear, my Lord!—Has not the simplicity -of this Child’s confession, as artless as the -one I have this moment made, sufficiently justified -my Conduct? And do not circumstances prove, how -injurious your Suspicions have been, and how well -founded mine? (<i>Count bows to the Countess.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> You see, my Lord, what a giddy young -thing it is.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And very loving too.</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Her mother, as every body knows, was -just such another.</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> FIGARO.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Come, my pretty Maidens, come. -(<i>Turns to the Count</i>) While you keep the Lasses -here, my Lord, we can neither begin our Procession -nor our Dances.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Gravely putting on his hat</i>) Why surely, -Sir, you don’t intend to dance.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Why not, my Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What! With a hurt in your ancle?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh! Is that all?—It pains me a little, -to be sure; but that’s a trifle—Come Girls.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_82"></a>[82]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Turning him back</i>) You were very lucky -to light upon such soft ground.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Exceedingly, my Lord:—Come Lasses.</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> (<i>Turning him back on the other side</i>) And -then you double yourself up, when you take a -leap? Yet, like a Cat, you fall on your feet.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> What then?—Come Gir—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But how unhappy the poor Youth will be -about his Commission.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> What is the meaning of all this, my -Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> (<i>Bringing the Page forward</i>) Do you -know this bashful young Lady?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> The Devil! Hannibal!—(<i>Aside.</i>) Well, -and what Riddle has he to propound?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> No Riddle, Sir, but a simple matter of -fact:—He affirms, it was he who jump’d out of the -window.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Does he?—Well, if he say so, I suppose -it is so.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> How! What two at a time?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Two? Twenty! Why not, my Lord? -One sheep begins, and the rest naturally follow: -(<i>Flourish of Music without</i>) Come, come, my merry -Maidens, don’t you hear the music? Quick, -quick, run, run, run.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt Susan and Figaro, with the Girls.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>To the Page</i>) Harkee, little Rascal, begone, -instantly; put off your Petticoats, and don’t -stir out of your room the rest of the day.—Take -care, Sir, I don’t meet you again.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> (<i>Putting on his hat</i>) No matter—I bare -away that upon my forehead, which would compensate -for an age of imprisonment. (<i>Exit joyously</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Looks at the Countess, who recollects the -kiss she had just given the Page</i>) His forehead! What<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_83"></a>[83]</span> -is it he bears away so triumphantly upon his forehead?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Embarrassed</i>) A—His Officer’s hat, -I suppose. Every new Bauble pleases a Child.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Going.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> The Procession is coming, will not your -Ladyship stay and be a witness of your Favourite’s -happiness?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> As your Lordship pleases.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter the Procession of the two Weddings. A March -is played; Doctor Bartholo and Marcelina are preceded -by Cryer of the Court, Guards, Doublefee, Counsellors, -Don Guzman; after them come Antonio, Figaro, -and Susan, followed by the Bridesmen and Maids, and a -troop of Dancers. They all salute the Count and Countess -as they pass; and after making the tour of the stage, -Antonio presents his Niece to the Count; Susan kneels, -one of the Bridemaids gives the Count the nuptial Cap; -and Susan, while the Count is placing it on her head, -plucks him by the cloak, and shews him the Note she -had just before written. He pretends to keep adjusting -the Cap, and slily reaches to take the Note, which he -instantly claps in his bosom, having previously unbuttoned -himself for that purpose. While this is transacting -a Castanet-Dance is performed. As soon as Susan -rises, she purposely places herself before the Countess, -to encourage the Count to read the Note, who accordingly -steps forward, is going to open it, and pricks his -finger with the Pin, which he plucks out and throws -angrily on the floor.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> These Women and their curst Pins.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Aside to his Mother laughing</i>) The Count -has received a Billet-doux from some pretty <ins class="corr" id="tn-83" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'Girl, ealed with'"> -Girl, sealed with</ins> a Pin! This is a new fashion, which -he does not seem to admire.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Count reads the Note, -is exceedingly pleased, folds it up again, and -reads on the outside, “Return the Seal;” he<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_84"></a>[84]</span> -pretends to walk carelessly about the stage, but -is all the while looking earnestly for the pin he -had thrown away, which he at last finds, picks -up and sticks upon his Sleeve.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>To his Mother</i>) Every thing is precious -that appertains to a beloved object.—He picks up -the very Pin, you see.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>All this while Susan and the -Countess remark what is passing with laughter, -and private looks and gestures.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Rising</i>) Come with me, Susan. We -shall soon be back, my Lord. (<i>Aside to Susan</i>) Let -us make haste and exchange dresses.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt Countess and Susan.</i></p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Crier.</i> “Guards! Guards!—This way, Guards! -(<i>Places the Guards at the door, runs up to the -Count</i>) My Lord, here’s Mr. Basil coming, my -Lord, with the whole Village at his heels; because -he has been singing all the way he went.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Orpheus and the Brutes. But I’ll make -him change his Tune.”</p> - </div> - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> BASIL <i>singing, followed by</i> BOUNCE.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> So, Mr. Basil, what is your will and pleasure?</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Basil.</i> “After having fulfilled your Lordship’s -commands, by amusing this honest Gentleman——</p> - -<p><i>Bounce.</i> “Me, my Lord? I assure your Lordship -he has not amused me in the least.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “I now return to enforce my claims on -Marcelina.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Look you, Sir—Should you venture -but to cast one look, or approach one step nearer -that Lady——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_85"></a>[85]</span></p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “Let him speak, Figaro, let him speak.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> “Oh f-f-fie!—What f-f-friends!—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “I disclaim such friendship.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “And I——Error in Judgment, Mr. -President.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “He!—A Street-corner Ballad-Bawler!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “As good, at least, as a Barber-Surgeon!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Who hashes up a dinner out of Horse-hair -and Catgut!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Who has hungrily devoured Razors and -Hones, and fed half his life upon Froth! -(<i>Imitates beating up a Lather.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “The high Priest of Pimps!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “The vile Drudge of Intrigue!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Execrated by those he serves!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Gulled by his own Cunning!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “So great a Fool, Knavery itself cannot -make him thrive!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “So stupid, he never yet could invent a -probable Lie!</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> } “Hold, hold.<br> - <i>Guzman.</i> }</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “A Pedantic!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Pert!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Preposterous!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Pragmatical!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Braying!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Lop-eared!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Ass!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “How now!—Is this all the Respect you -shew?—</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “You hear, my Lord, how he insults me! -When, it is well known, there is not, in all Andalusia, -a more eminent!——</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Empty!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Able!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_86"></a>[86]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Abject!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Musician!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Miscreant!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Is this to be borne?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Whose countenance prophecies of -Pillories, Scaffolds, and the stretching of Hemp; -and whose whole appearance is a continual Memento -of public Calamity, Plague, Pestilence, -and Famine;—A Misericordia, Sackcloth-and-ashes -Knave;—A Scape Goat, that looks like a -Jew in the yellow Jaundice.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Doctor Bartholo and -Don Guzman prevent Basil from falling upon -Figaro.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “Do you think this proper, Mr. Figaro?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Why not, my Lord?—Let him listen -to Truth, since he is too Poor to pay Parasites -and Liars.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “Silence, Sir!—Let us hear, Mr. Basil, -what you have to say.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “(<i>Composing himself</i>) I demand the hand -of Marcelina, my Lord, who promised to -marry me.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “On what condition was this promise -made?</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “That I should adopt your lost Son, -if ever you should be happy enough to -find him.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “Well.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “He is found.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Where is he?</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “Here he stands. (<i>Pointing to Figaro</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> “The-e-e-ere he stands.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “He!—Oh, my curst Stars!</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> “Do you re-e-nounce your pre-e-tentions -to his de-e-ear Mother?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_87"></a>[87]</span></p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Renounce!—As I would renounce the -Devil and all his Works.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “What! Renounce your best Friend?—But -that’s like your Rogue’s tricks.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “I will not live under the same roof -with him—I would rather even quit the service -of my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Don’t be uneasy, I shan’t trouble you -long—Restored to my Parents, and married to -my Susan, I shall retire and live in Peace.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “(<i>Aside</i>) And I shall retire to meet my -Mistress.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> “So every body is sa-a-tisfied.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Let the marriage Contracts be prepared, -and I will sign them.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Thanks, gracious Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Bounce.</i> And I will go and prepare the Fireworks -in the Garden, near the Pavilion.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Returning</i>) Who, pray Sir, gave you -those Orders?—The Countess is too much indisposed -to come out; let them, therefore, be played -off in front of the Castle, facing her Windows—(<i>Aside</i>)—The -Rascal was going to set fire to my -Place of Rendezvous! (<i>Exeunt</i>).</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Manent</i> FIGARO <i>and</i> MARCELINA.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> How attentive he is to his Wife.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> <span class="omitted">“It is necessary”</span>—My dear Figaro, -<span class="omitted">“I should undeceive thee respecting my former -false accusations of Susan—Basil has always told -me she obstinately refused to listen to the -Count’s Overtures, and”</span> I am both sorry and -ashamed to have excited thy Jealousy.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_88"></a>[88]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh, be under no apprehensions, my -dear Mother; Jealousy is the foolish Child of -Pride, the Disease of a Madman—My Philosophy -is invulnerable to its poisonous Arrows. -(<i>Figaro turns and sees Agnes just behind him, coming -down the Stage</i>).—So! What you have been listening, -my little inquisitive Cousin?</p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> Oh, no; they tell me that is not -polite.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Then what’s your errand?—He is not -here.</p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> Who?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Hannibal.</p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> Oh, I know that very well—I know -where he is—I want my Cousin Susan.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Aye!—And what do you want with -her?</p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> Not much; only to give her a Pin.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Starts</i>) A Pin! (<i>Striding about in great -anger</i>) A Pin!—And how dare you, you little -Hussey, undertake such Messages?—What! Have -you learnt your trade already?—(<i>Marcelina makes -a sign to Figaro, who recollects himself, and endeavours -to disguise his feelings</i>)—Come, come, my -pretty Cousin, don’t be frighten’d, I was but in -joke—I—I—I know all about it; it’s a Pin that -my Lord has sent by you to Susan.</p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> Since you know so well, why need you -ask me then?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Coaxing</i>) Only to hear what my Lord -said when he sent thee on this errand.</p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> Here, said he, here, my pretty little -Agnes, take this Pin to thy Cousin Susan, and -tell her it is the Seal of the new Song about the -Twilight and the Pavilion.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And the——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_89"></a>[89]</span></p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> The Pavilion—And take great care, said -he, that nobody sees thee.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Well, well, I was but joking; go and -execute thy Message faithfully, exactly as my -Lord bade thee.</p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> Law! My Cousin takes me for a Ninny, -I believe. (<i>Exit skipping</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> So, my Mother!</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> So, my Son!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Here’s a sweet Daughter!—A delightful -Bride!—And will be a most virtuous Wife!——(<i>Walking -up and down with great agitation</i>)——A -false—Deceitful—I’m happy, however, I have -found her out—I will detect, expose, and abandon -her!</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Nay, but gently, my Son, gently; -recollect that Jealousy is the disease of a Madman, -and that your Philosophy is invulnerable.—Fie! -fie!—All this passion about a Pin!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> A Pin that has wounded me to the -heart!—Didn’t we see the Count pick it up?</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> We did so; but how can we tell -whether she means to deceive thee or him?—Art -thou sure she will go to the Rendezvous; and -wilt thou condemn her without hearing her?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I am sorry—I am a Fool—And yet!—If -she should be false!</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Nay, but my dear Figaro——</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Well, well; I will be calm—Yes, my -amorous Count, you will at least meet with somebody -you don’t expect—If you do not make -haste we shall be at the Pavilion, as soon as your -Lordship!</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt</i>).</p> - -<p class="p4 center wsp">The End of <span class="lsp2">ACT</span> IV.</p> - - </div> - - <div class="width30"> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_90"></a>[90]</span><br></p> - -<h2 class="p2 nobreak" id="ACT_V">ACT V.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center">SCENE, <i>the Garden</i>,</p> - -<p class="center"><i>With walks of cut trees in the back ground, and two -Pavilions, one on each side of the stage</i>.</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> AGNES. (<i>A lanthorn in one hand, and -two cakes and an orange in the other</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><ins class="corr" id="tn-90" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'speaker name missing'"> -<i>Agnes.</i></ins></p> -<p class="moveup drop-capy">The Pavilion to the left? Ay, that’s it.—But -if he should not come soon!—He has -not half learnt me my part yet—Poor thing, he -hasn’t eat any thing all day; and the cross, good-for-nothing -Cook would not give me a morsel for -him; so I was obliged to ask the Butler for these -Cakes and this Orange:—It cost me a good kiss on -the cheek, but I know who’ll repay—Oh dear, -here’s somebody coming!—</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> FIGARO, <i>disguised in a red Rocquelaure</i>; -Doctor Bartholo, Don Guzman, Basil, Antonio. -<i>Figaro imagines at first Agnes to be Susan; and, as -it is too dark to see, endeavours to follow the sound -of her voice, having entered while she was speaking. -Agnes enters the Pavilion on the left.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I was mistaken, ’tis Agnes! (<i>They all -grope down the stage till they get round Figaro</i>) What -a clock is it?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_91"></a>[91]</span></p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Almost near the moon’s rising.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> What a gloomy night.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> We look like so many Conspirators.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> You understand, Gentlemen, why you -are come hither—It is to be Witnesses of the Conduct -of the virtuous Bride I am soon to espouse, -and the honourable Lord who has graciously bestowed -her upon me.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> (<i>Aside</i>) This will be a precious Revenge.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Remember, Figaro, a wise Man has -never any Contest with the Great; it is the Battle -of Don Quixote with the Windmills; they whirl -and dash you to a Distance, without once altering -or retarding their Course.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Rather remember they have not courage -to oppress any but Cowards.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> He’s mad.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Ye-e-es, he is ma-a-ad.</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> But what about?</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> A certain Rendezvous;—Come this way, -and I’ll tell you the whole.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Hide yourselves hereabouts, and come -running the Moment you hear me call.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> He is turning Fool.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Ye-e-es, he’s turning foo-oo-ool—Stay -and take ca-are of him.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt.</i></p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Manent</i> Figaro <i>and</i> Doctor.</p> -</div> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Oh Woman, Woman, Woman! Inconstant, weak, -deceitful Woman!—But each Animal -is obliged to follow the instinct of its Nature; and -it is thine to betray!——What, after swearing -this very Morning to remain for ever Faithful; -and on the identical Day! The bridal Day!——</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “Patience.</p> - </div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_92"></a>[92]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> <span class="omitted">“I even saw her laugh with Delight, -while he read her Billet!——They think themselves -secure, but perhaps they yet may be deceived.”</span>——No, -my very worthy Lord and -Master, you have not got her yet.—What! Because -you are a great Man, you fancy yourself a -great Genius.—<span class="omitted">“Which way?—How came you to -be the rich and mighty Count Almaviva? Why -truly, you gave yourself the Trouble to be born! -While the obscurity in which I have been cast -demanded more Abilities to gain a mere Subsistence -than are requisite to govern Empires. -And what, most noble Count, are your Claims -to Distinction, to pompous Titles, and immense -Wealth, of which you are so proud, and which, -by Accident, you possess? For which of your -Virtues? Your Wisdom? Your Generosity? -Your Justice?—The Wisdom you have acquired -consists in vile Arts, to gratify vile -Passions; your Generosity is lavished on your -hireling Instruments, but whose Necessities make -them far less Contemptible than yourself; and -your Justice is the inveterate Persecution of -<ins class="corr" id="tn-92" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'those who who have'"> -those who have</ins> the Will and the Wit to -resist your Depredations.”</span> But this has ever -been the Practice of the <i>little</i> Great; those they -cannot degrade, they endeavour to crush.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Be advised, Figaro—be calm—there has -ever been a Respect paid—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> To Vice—where it is not due.—Shame -light on them that pay it.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Consider, he is——</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> A Lord—and I am—a Man!—Yes, I am -a Man, but the nocturnal Spells of that enchantress -Woman, soon shall make me a Monster. <span class="omitted">“Why, -what an Ass am I!—Acting here the idiot part<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_93"></a>[93]</span> -of a (<i>Strikes his forehead</i>)—a—Husband—Altho’ -I am but half finished.”</span></p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Agnes peers out of the Pavilion, -and approaches a little way to listen</i>.)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> Is that Hannibal?</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> I hear somebody! (<i>Agnes hears the voice -of the Doctor, and runs in again</i>) I will retire, but -if you are wise, you will wait the Event patiently; -your suspicions may be unjust,—should they prove -real, then shake her from you, as her Ingratitude -deserves.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> <span class="omitted">“Oh, how easy it is for the prayer mumbling -Priest to bid the Wretch on the Rack suffer -patiently. (<i>Figaro listens</i>) I hear nothing—all is -silent—and dark as their designs. (<i>Figaro pulls -off his Roquelaure, and throws it on a Garden-bench</i>) -Why, what a Destiny is mine—Am I for ever -doom’d to be the foot-ball of Fortune?—Son of -I knew not who, stol’n I knew not how, and -brought up to I knew not what, lying and thieving -excepted, I had the sense, tho’ young, to -despise a life so base, and fled such infernal Tutors. -My Genius, tho’ cramp’d, could not be -totally subdued, and I spent what little time -and money I could spare in Books and Study. -Alas! it was but time and money thrown away. -Desolate in the world, unfriended, unprotected, -my poor stock of knowledge not being whip’d -into me by the masculine hic hæc hoc hand of -a School-master, I could not get Bread, much -less Preferment.——Disheartened by the failure -of all my projects, I yet had the audacity to attempt -a Comedy, but as I had the still greater -audacity to attack the favorite Vice of the favorite -Mistress, of the favorite Footman of the -favorite Minister, I could not get it licensed.—It -happened about that time, that the fashionable -Question of the day was an enquiry into the real<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_94"></a>[94]</span> -and imaginary Wealth of Nations; and, as it is not -necessary to possess the thing you write about, I, -with lank Cheeks, pennnyless Purse, and all the -simplicity of a Boy, or a Philosopher, freely described -the true causes of national Poverty: when suddenly -I was awaken’d in my bed at Mid-night, and -entrusted to the tender care of his Catholic Majesty’s -Mirmidons, whose Magic-power caused -the heavy gates of an old Castle to fly open at -my approach, where I was graciously received, -lodged, and ornamented, according to the -fashion of the place, and provided with Straw, -and Bread, and Water gratis. My ardor for -Liberty sufficiently cool’d. I was once more turned -adrift into the wide World, with leave to provide -Straw and Bread and Water for myself.—On -this my second birth, I found all Madrid -in Raptures, concerning a most generous Royal -Edict, lately published, in favor of the Liberty of -the Press: and I soon learnt, that, provided I -neither spoke of the Wealth of Nations in my -writings, nor of the Government, nor of Religion, -nor of any Corporate-Companies, nor offended -the favorite Mistress of the Minister’s favorite -Footman, nor said any one thing which could -be twisted into a reference, or hint, derogatory to -any one Individual, who had more powerful friends -than I had, I was at liberty to write, freely, all, -and whatever I pleased, under the inspection of -some two or three Censors!——Soon after this, -a Place happened to be vacant, which required -a person well acquainted with Calculation; I -offered my Services; my Abilities were not questioned; -I waited, in anxious expectation of the Event, -and, in three days, learnt it had been bestowed, -two days before, upon a Dancing-master.—Persecuted<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_95"></a>[95]</span> -by Creditors, tired of starving, and -unable, through the feebleness of Youth to sustain -so unequal a Struggle, I had the weakness, -at last, to sink before Temptation, and set -up a Pharaoh Bank. And now, for once, behold -the Scene changed! See me equally familiar -with Lords as with their Lacquies! Every door was -open to me! Every hand held out! But, notwithstanding -my desire to be Something in this world, -my detestation of the brazen Effrontery, profound -Ignorance, and insupportable Insolence of -these fashionable Friends of Nobility was so innate -that I found I could better endure all the Miseries -of Poverty than the Disgrace and Disgust of such -Society.—Quitting, therefore, with contempt this -new Trade, and leaving false Shame behind me, as -a burthen too heavy for a Foot-passenger, I once -more took up my strap and hone, and travelled -for employment from Town to Town.——At -Seville I found a Lord mad to marry his Mistress; -my Wit procured him what his could not, -a Wife; and, in return, he gratefully endeavours -to Seduce mine—Strange concatenation of circumstance! -My Parents all at once claim me!—’Tis -he, ’tis she, ’tis me, ’tis—I don’t know -who!—I came into the world without my -Knowledge, and I shall go out on’t without my -Will; and thus do I continue to torment myself -about this Being of mine, without understanding -what this Being is, what it was, what -it shall be, whence it came, where it is, or whither -it shall go.—I only know it to be a compound -of Contradictions! A little, wise, foolish -Animal, ardent in the pursuit of Pleasure, capricious -through Vanity, laborious from Necessity, but<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_96"></a>[96]</span> -indolent by Choice. After having exhausted -every Art for enjoyment, and every Profession -for a livelihood, I found myself intoxicated by a -heavenly Illusion, that has vanish’d at my -approach!—Vanished!—And is it vanish’d?”</span>—Oh -Susan! Susan!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Figaro sinks melancholy upon the -garden-seat; but being suddenly roused by a -noise, wraps himself up in his Rocquelaure.</i></p> -</div> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter softly, in each other’s dress, the</i> COUNTESS -<i>and</i> SUSAN, <i>followed by</i> MARCELINA.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> So Figaro is to be here. (<i>In an under -voice</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> He is here.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Thus one is come to lay the Springe, and -the other to seize the Game.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> I will go and hide myself in this -Pavilion, where I shall hear all.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit into the Pavilion -on the left.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> We may begin. (<i>Speaks louder</i>) If my -Lady does not want me, I will walk and enjoy the -fresh air.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh, the Cocatrice.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> It may give thee cold.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Oh no, my Lady.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh no! She’ll not take cold to-night. (<i>Aside</i>).</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Susan retires a little towards the -Pavilion on the left; Hannibal is heard singing, -and, as he enters, perceives the Countess, -in Susan’s dress.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Is that Agnes, yonder? (<i>He approaches</i>)<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_97"></a>[97]</span> -By her long Lappets and white Feathers, it must be -Susan. (<i>Comes up and takes hold of the Countess’s hand</i>. -Ah, my dear Susan!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Let me go. (<i>In a feigned voice.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Come, Come; don’t be so coy. I know -it is not Figaro you are waiting for, it is my Lord -the Count—What! Did not I hear, this Morning, -when I was behind the great Chair?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Aside</i>). The babbling little Villain.</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter the</i> COUNT <i>behind, and hears the Page</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Is not that somebody with Susan?—(<i>Advances -close up to them, and draws back in a -fury</i>).—’Tis that infernal Page again.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Susan keeps -out of the way and silently laughing.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> ’Tis in vain to say no:—Since thou art -going to be the Representative of the Countess, -I am determined to give the one kiss for thyself, -and a hundred for thy beauteous Lady.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> <span class="omitted">(<i>Aside</i>). “As impudent as a Page, says -the Proverb.”</span></p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Countess draws back to avoid being kissed -by the Page, and the Count advances and -presents himself in her place; the Page feels -the rough beard of the Count, and suddenly -retreats, crying in an under voice</i>)—Oh, the -Devil!—The Count again!</p> -</div> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit Page into the Pavilion on the left.</i>)</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>While this passes, Figaro likewise advances to -drive the Page from Susan; meanwhile the -Count, on the Page’s supposed next approach, -prepares to give him a proper reception</i>).</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Thinking he speaks to the Page</i>). Since -you are so fond of kissing, take that. -(<i>Gives Figaro -a severe box on the ear</i>).</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_98"></a>[98]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I have paid for listening. (<i>Susan cannot -contain herself, but bursts out a laughing</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Hears her laugh</i>). Why this is inconceiveable!—Do -such Salutations make the impudent -Rascal laugh?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> It would be strange if he should cry -this time. (<i>Aside</i>).</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Count and Countess approach</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But let us not lose the precious moments, -my charming Susan!—Let these Kisses speak my ardour! -(<i>Kisses the Countess several times with rapture</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Aside, and beating his forehead</i>). Oh! -Oh! Oh!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Why dost thou tremble?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Continuing her feigned voice</i>). Because -I am afraid.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Thou seemest to have got a cold. (<i>Takes -the Countess’s hand between his own, and amorously -strokes and kisses her fingers</i>). What a sweet, delicate, -Angel’s hand!—How smooth and soft!—How -long and small the fingers!—What pleasure in the -touch!—Ah! How different is this from the -Countess’s hand!—</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Sighing</i>). And yet you loved her -once.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Yes—Yes—I did so—But three Years of -better Acquaintance has made the Marriage-state -so respectable—And then Wives are so loving—when -they <i>do</i> love, that is—that one is surprised -when in search of Pleasure, to find Satiety.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Pleasure?—Love!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Oh, no; Love is but the Romance of -the Heart; Pleasure is its History—As for thee, -my dear Susan, add but one grain more of Caprice<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_99"></a>[99]</span> -to thy Composition and thou wilt make one of -the most enticing, teazing, agreeable Mistresses.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> ’Tis my Duty to oblige my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Her Duty!—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Yes—Women’s Duties are unlimited—They -owe all—Men nothing.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Nothing?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> It is not our Faults; ’tis the law of Nature—And -then Wives think to ensure our fidelity -by being always Wives—Whereas they should -sometimes become——</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> What?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Our Mistresses——I hope thou wilt not -forget this Lesson.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Oh no, indeed, not I.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Aloud</i>). Nor I.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Aloud</i>). Nor I.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Astonished</i>). Are there Echoes here?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Oh, yes.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And now, my sweet Susan, receive the -Portion I promised thee. (<i>Gives a purse and puts a -ring upon her finger</i>)—And continue likewise to -wear this Ring for my sake.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Susan accepts your Favors.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Aside</i>). Was there ever so faithless a -Hussey?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Aside</i>). These riches are all for us! -(<i>Still keeps chuckling very heartily at what is going forwards.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> I perceive Torches.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> They are preparatory to thy Nuptials. -(<i>the Countess pretends to be afraid</i>). Come, come, -let us retire for a moment into the Pavilion.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> What! In the dark?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Why not? There are no Spirits.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Aside</i>). Yes, but there are; and evil ones<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_100"></a>[100]</span> -too. (<i>Countess follows the Count</i>). She is going!——Hem! -(<i>Figaro hem’s in a great passion</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Raising his voice majesterially</i>). Who goes -there!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> A man.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Aside to the Countess</i>). It’s Figaro!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The -Countess enters the Pavilion on the right hand -and the Count retires</i>).</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Desperate</i>). They are gone in. (<i>Walks -about</i>). Let her go.—Let her go!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Aside.</i>) Thou shalt pay presently for -these fine Suspicions. (<i>Susan advances and mimics the -voice of the Countess</i>). Who is that?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> ’Tis the Countess (<i>Aside</i>).—What lucky -Chance conducted you hither, Madam—You know -not what Scenes are this moment transacting.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Oh yes, but I do, Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> What! That the Count and my -very virtuous Bride are this moment in yonder -Pavilion Madam!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Aside</i>). Very well, my Gentleman!—I -know more than thou dost.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And will you not be revenged?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Oh yes, we always have our Revenge in -our own power.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Aside</i>). What does she mean?—Perhaps -what I suspect—Why that would be a glorious -Retaliation.—(<i>To Susan.</i>) There is no Means -but one, Madam, of revenging such Wrongs; that -now presents itself.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Jealous</i>) What does the good-for-nothing -Fellow mean? (<i>Speaks in a tone of compliance -to Figaro</i>). Does it Figaro?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Pardon my Presumption, Madam! On -any other occasion, the Respect I bear your Ladyship -would keep me silent, but on the present -I dare encounter all! (<i>Falls on his knees</i>). Oh, excuse,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_101"></a>[101]</span> -forgive me, Madam; but let not the precious -moments slip!—Grant me your hand.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Unable any longer to contain herself gives -him a slap on the face</i>). Take it.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I have it, I think!—The Devil! This -is the Day of Stripes!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Susan gives it thee (<i>as soon as Figaro -hears it is Susan, his satisfaction is so extreme, he -laughs very heartily, and keeps laughing all the while -she keeps beating him</i>) and that, and that, and that, -and that for thy Insolence—And that for thy Jealousy—And -that for thy Infidelity.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Susan out of -breath, Figaro still laughing.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh happy Figaro—Take thy Revenge, -my dear, kind, good Angel; Never did Man or -Martyr suffer with such Extacy!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Don’t tell me of your Extacy! How durst -you, you good for nothing, base, false-hearted Man, -make love to me, supposing me the Countess.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I must bring myself off, (<i>aside</i>)—Dost -think I could mistake the music of my Susan’s -Voice?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> What, you pretend you knew me then?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Pretend! Canst thou doubt it?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And this was a Trick upon me!—But -I’ll be revenged.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Talk not of Revenge, my Love, but -tell me what blest Angel sent thee hither, and how -thou camest by this Disguise, which so fully proves -thy Innocence!</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Susan.</i> “I could find in my Heart not to tell -thee; but know, to thy Confusion, it is my Lady’s; -and that, coming to catch one Fox, we have -entrapped two!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “But who has taken the other?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “His Wife.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_102"></a>[102]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “His Wife!—Go and hang thyself, Figaro—Go -and hang thyself, for wanting the Wit -to divine this Plot!—And has all this intriguing -been about his Wife?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “<i>Yes, about his Wife.</i></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>a little suspicious</i>) “But who did the -Page kiss?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “The Count.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “The Count! Ha! ha! ha! that is -excellent, (<i>Resuming his gravity</i>) But who did the -Count kiss?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “The Countess.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Ay, but who did he kiss this Morning——behind -the great Chair?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Gravely</i>) “Nobody.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Art thou—quite sure?”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Holding out her Hand</i>) Dost thou want -another Proof?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Ah! Thine are but proofs of Love—That -of the Count, indeed, was not so gentle.</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> COUNT <i>behind</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> ’St—’st! Susan!—Susan!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Aside to Susan</i>) A lucky thought strikes -me; prithee second me, Susan, (<i>Speaks in a feigned -Voice, falls on his Knees and kisses Susan’s Hand</i>)—Ah -Madam! Let us not longer converse of Love, -but enjoy it’s Treasures.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What’s here! A Man on his Knees to the -Countess!—(<i>Feels for his Sword, they keep silently -laughing</i>) And I unarm’d!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Acting the Petit Maitre</i>) Upon my honour, -Madam, I could not have supposed Timidity -should make you hesitate a moment.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_103"></a>[103]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Furiously</i>) So this is our Dressing-room -Gentleman, at last! I shall know all at least, now—(<i>Figaro -kisses her hand again.</i>) Oh Rage! Oh Hell!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> How delightfully he swears.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Figaro and Susan still inwardly laughing</i>) -Quickly then, Madam, let us repair the wrong -which Love this Morning suffered at the impertinent -intrusion of your Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> This is not to be borne.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Darts between -them, seizes Figaro by the Collar, while Susan -escapes into the Pavilion on the left.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro</i> (<i>Pretends amazement</i>) My Lord!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> How! Rascal! And is it you!—Hollo—Hollo—Who -hears?</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter blundering in the dark, and in a great hurry, the -COURIER, who had been to Seville after the Page.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Courier.</i> Here!—Here!—Here am I, my Lord! -Just arrived from Seville! But he is not there! I -might as well have sought for this Page in my -pocket! Here is the Packet again.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Stand out of the way, Rascal——Hollo!—Where -are my People? Lights! Lights!</p> - -<p><i>Courier.</i> What’s my Lord afraid of? Is there -not Mr. Figaro and I?</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter Flambeaux, Don</i> GUZMAN, <i>Dr.</i> BARTHOLO, -ANTONIO, BASIL, <i>and Servants</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>To the Servants</i>) Guard that Door and -some of you seize this Fellow.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> You command, with absolute Authority, -over all present, my Lord, except yourself.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Count.</i> “The Villain’s impenetrable, cool Impudence -is intolerable.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_104"></a>[104]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “We are not Soldiers, that we should -kill one another without Malice: for my part, I -like to know why I am angry.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Be pleased, Sir, to declare, before this -Company, who the—the—Woman is that just -now ran into that Pavilion.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Into that—(<i>Going to cross to the Pavilion -on the right.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Stopping him</i>) No, prevaricating Fiend; into -that. (<i>Pointing to the other.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Ah! That alters the Case.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Answer, or—</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “The Lady that escaped into that Pavilion?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “Ay, Demon, the Lady.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> The Lady <span class="omitted">“that escaped into that Pavilion,”</span> -is a young Lady to whom my Lord -once paid his Addresses, but who, happening to love -me more than my Betters, has this day yielded me -the Preference.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> The Preference!—The Preference!—he -does not lie at least.——Yes, Gentlemen, what he -confesses, I pledge my Honour I just have heard -from the very mouth of his Accomplice!</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> His Accomplice!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Come forth, Madam! (<i>Enters the Pavilion.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Which of these two has made a—Gentleman -of the other.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Perhaps neither.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>In the Pavilion.</i>) Come forth, I say, -shew yourself. (<i>Enter, dragging out the</i> PAGE, -<i>still speaking, and not looking at him till he gets on a -line with the rest of the Company</i>.) Happily, Madam, -there is no Pledge of a Union, now so justly detested.——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_105"></a>[105]</span></p> - -<p><i>Omnes.</i> The Page!</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> (<i>After all the rest.</i>) The Pa-a-age!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Again! And again! And everlastingly this -damn’d, diabolical Page. (<i>Page flies to the other side -of the stage.</i>) You shall find, however, he was not -alone.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Ah, no! My lot would have been hard -indeed then.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Enter Antonio, and drag the guilty Thing -before her Judge.</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> (<i>In the Pavilion.</i>) Come, Madam, you -must come out; I must not let you go since my -Lord knows you are here.</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter with his Daughter</i>, AGNES.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Omnes.</i> Agnes!</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> A-A-Agnes!</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Odzooks, my Lord, its a pleasant Trick, -enough, to send me in, before all these good Folks, -for my Daughter.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> I’ll find her, I warrant. (<i>Going.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> (<i>Stopping the Count.</i>) Pardon me, my -Lord, but you are too angry at present; let me go.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit Doctor to the Pavilion.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> This Cause is very perplex’d.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> (<i>Entering with Marcelina.</i>) Fear nothing, -Madam, fear nothing.</p> - -<p><i>Omnes.</i> Marcelina!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> My Mother too! Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Where then is this Daughter of Infamy -thus evades my just Fury?</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> SUSAN, <i>with her Fan before her face</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p>Here she comes, at last; bearing her own Shame -and my Dishonour. (<i>Susan kneels to him, still hiding -her Face.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_106"></a>[106]</span></p> - -<p><i>Omnes.</i> Pardon, pardon, gracious Lord!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> No! No! No! (<i>They all fall on their knees.</i>) -No! No! Were the World to kneel I would be -deaf.</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter the</i> COUNTESS <i>from the Pavilion on the -right, and kneels to the Count, whose back is turned -to her</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> At least I will make one of the Number.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Susan drops her fan, the Count hears the voice -of the Countess, looks round, and suddenly conceives the -whole Trick they have been playing him. All the Company -burst into a laugh: the Count’s shame, confusion, &c.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> (<i>Laughing stupidly</i>) Ha! ha! ha! ha! -’Tis the Countess!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>With great humility.</i>) And—is it you my -Lady?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Inclines her body in token of Affirmation.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Returning her bow with great confusion.</i>) -Ah!—Yes!—Yes! A generous pardon—tho’ unmerited.——</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Were you in my place, you would -exclaim, No! No! No! But I grant it without a -single Stipulation.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And I.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And I.—There are Echoes here.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Surprised</i>) I perceive—I perceive——I -have been rightly served.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Here, Susan, here is the Purse and -Ring, which my Lord gave thee. He will remember -thy sweet delicate Fingers, so long and so small.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Thank your Lordship—Here Figaro.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Gives him the Purse.</i></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> It was devilish hard to get at—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>To Susan</i>) And the Letter you wrote—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Was dictated by my Lady.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_107"></a>[107]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Smiling good naturedly.</i>) Well, well! I am -an Answer in her Debt.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Thus every Man shall have his own.</p> - -<p><i>Bounce.</i> And shall we throw the Stocking?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> There is the Garter.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Throws down the -Riband Hannibal had stolen in the Morning; Bounce -is going to stoop for it, and the Page pushes him -back.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Page.</i> This is my Right, and if any one dare -dispute it with me——</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Indeed! Mr. Officer—So bold a Champion -already!—Pray how did your Valour like the -Box on the Ear I gave you just now?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> (<i>With his Hand to his Sword</i>) Me! My -Colonel?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Which I kindly received.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Thou!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I—And thus do the Great distribute Justice.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>laughing</i>) Well, Mr. President, (<i>Don -Guzman instantly calls up all his Wisdom on finding -himself addressed</i>) what do you think of all these -things?</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Thi-ink, my Lord? (<i>Considers</i>) I—I -think that—I do-o-on’t know what to think.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I think, a few such Days as this would -form an excellent Ambassador—But lately I was a -poor, deserted, solitary Being, in this wide World, -and now I have Gold, Relations, and a handsome -Wife——</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> And Friends will flock in abundance.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Do you think so?</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Oh I know so.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Well, let them, they shall be welcome to -all I have—My Wife and my Wealth excepted.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_108"></a>[108]</span></p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i></p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="verse indent0">Our Errors past, and all our Follies done,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Oh! That ’twere possible you might be won</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To pardon Faults, and Misdemeanors smother,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With the same ease we pardon One-another!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So should we rest, To-night, devoid of Sorrow,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And hope to meet you, joyously, To-morrow.</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p class="p4 center lsp2">THE END.</p> - </div> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> -<div class="chapter"></div> - -<div class="transnote"> -<a id="TN"></a> -<p class="bold">TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE</p> - -<p>A few obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors have been -corrected after careful comparison with other occurrences within -the text and consultation of external sources.</p> - -<p>Except for those changes noted below, all misspellings in the text, -and inconsistent or archaic usage, have been retained.</p> - -<p> -<a href="#tn-10">Pg 10</a>: Speaker name ‘Marcelino’ replaced by ‘Marcelina’.<br> -<a href="#tn-17">Pg 17</a>: ‘Gardiner’s daughter’ replaced by ‘Gardener’s daughter’.<br> -<a href="#tn-17a">Pg 17</a>: ‘my drunken Gardiner’ replaced by ‘my drunken Gardener’.<br> -<a href="#tn-18">Pg 18</a>: ‘wish hm so much’ replaced by ‘wish him so much’.<br> -<a href="#tn-21">Pg 21</a>: ‘young Hanibal the’ replaced by ‘young Hannibal the’.<br> -<a href="#tn-25">Pg 25</a>: ‘COUNTESS’s Bed-Chmber’ replaced by ‘COUNTESS’s Bed-Chamber’.<br> -<a href="#tn-27">Pg 27</a>: ‘by the Pavillion’ replaced by ‘by the Pavilion’.<br> -<a href="#tn-29">Pg 29</a>: ‘will not, Marcellina’ replaced by ‘will not, Marcelina’.<br> -<a href="#tn-43">Pg 43</a>: ‘you malicicious little’ replaced by ‘you malicious little’.<br> -<a href="#tn-45">Pg 45</a>: ‘the Gardiner, with’ replaced by ‘the Gardener, with’.<br> -<a href="#tn-48">Pg 48</a>: ‘and eadeavours to’ replaced by ‘and endeavours to’.<br> -<a href="#tn-50">Pg 50</a>: Speaker name ‘Antanio’ replaced by ‘Antonio’.<br> -<a href="#tn-64">Pg 64</a>: ‘Angelica-Mustacio’ replaced by ‘Angelica-Mustachio’.<br> -<a href="#tn-64a">Pg 64</a>: ‘Gentleman who are’ replaced by ‘Gentlemen who are’.<br> -<a href="#tn-66">Pg 66</a>: ‘Again, the the word’ replaced by ‘Again, the word’.<br> -<a href="#tn-76">Pg 76</a>: ‘honest ple’ replaced by ‘honest people’.<br> -<a href="#tn-83">Pg 83</a>: ‘Girl, ealed with’ replaced by ‘Girl, sealed with’.<br> -<a href="#tn-90">Pg 90</a>: Missing speaker name ‘Agnes’ inserted.<br> -<a href="#tn-92">Pg 92</a>: ‘those who who have’ replaced by ‘those who have’.<br> -</p> -</div> - -<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 64953 ***</div> -</body> -</html> - diff --git a/old/64953-h/images/act1.jpg b/old/64953-h/images/act1.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 40f5388..0000000 --- a/old/64953-h/images/act1.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/64953-h/images/cover.jpg b/old/64953-h/images/cover.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index fb5fce5..0000000 --- a/old/64953-h/images/cover.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/64953-h/images/i_sep.jpg b/old/64953-h/images/i_sep.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 611952d..0000000 --- a/old/64953-h/images/i_sep.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/old/64953-0.txt b/old/old/64953-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index aabd685..0000000 --- a/old/old/64953-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5394 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Follies of a Day; or, The Marriage of -Figaro, by Thomas Holcroft - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: The Follies of a Day; or, The Marriage of Figaro - A Comedy, as it is now performing at the Theatre-Royal, - Covent-Garden. From the French of M. de Beaumarchais - -Author: Pierre-Augustin Caron de Beaumarchais - -Translator: Thomas Holcroft - -Release Date: March 28, 2021 [eBook #64953] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -Produced by: MFR, John Campbell and the Online Distributed Proofreading - Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This book was produced from - images made available by the HathiTrust Digital Library.) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FOLLIES OF A DAY; OR, THE -MARRIAGE OF FIGARO *** - - - - - TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE - - Original stage directions were usually in italic and - placed in parentheses ( ). A few inconsistencies--no - closing parenthesis, use of [ instead of (, no - italic--have been left unchanged. - - Stage directions were usually right-aligned with varying - indentation on the left, sometimes beginning on the same - line as the dialog, sometimes on a new line. This etext - generally puts them on a new right-aligned line(s) with - an indentation on the left of 12 spaces. They have been - kept in-line with the dialog when it made sense to do so. - - As noted under the list of Dramatis Personæ ‘The - Passages put between inverted Commas are omitted in the - Representation’--meaning that this marked dialog was - omitted by the actors in the Theatre-Royal production - of the play. The start and end of these passages are - marked with {{ and }} in this etext. The inverted commas - are shown as opening and closing double quotes: “ and ”. - Redundant inverted commas at the beginning of lines have - been removed. - - The original text used the longform ſ, replaced here by - the modern s. - - Italic text is denoted by _underscores_. - - Some minor corrections to the text are noted at the end - of the book. - - - - - THE - - FOLLIES OF A DAY; - - OR, THE - - MARRIAGE OF FIGARO. - - A COMEDY, - - AS IT IS NOW PERFORMING AT THE - - THEATRE-ROYAL, - - COVENT-GARDEN. - - FROM THE - - FRENCH OF M. DE BEAUMARCHAIS. - - BY THOMAS HOLCROFT. - - AUTHOR OF DUPLICITY, A COMEDY, THE NOBLE - PEASANT, AN OPERA, &C. - - LONDON: - Printed for G. G. J. and J. ROBINSON, - PATER-NOSTER ROW. - - M DCC LXXXV. - - - - - ADVERTISEMENT. - - -Though to thank the Public is to thank nobody, since -no particular Person takes this Sort of Compliments to -himself, yet were I not to feel that Gratitude, which -individually I know not where to pay, I were unworthy of -past, of present, or of future Favours. - -An Author’s Thanks to the World at large may be seen under -two very different Aspects: For, to thank the Public is -to tell the Public he is successful; which, supposing it -true, it would be strange if they did not already know; -it appears therefore only to be taking an Opportunity of -indulging his Vanity: And yet to thank them seems his Duty, -since his Silence might not only be construed a want of -Respect, but an arrogant Self-confidence that, when they -applauded or approved his Work, they only did him justice. -The Reader must determine which of these Faces he will -please to view. - -I am so well convinced that the best Writer stands in need -of Indulgence, and that he only does well by Comparison, -and might do much better, that I shall find little -Mortification in subscribing to the Opinions of those who -shall tell me I am in this latter Predicament. - -Readers are divided into two Classes; the one will allow an -Author much more than he merits, and the other much less; -but the principal Excellencies of _The Follies of a Day_ -are so known to be another’s Right, that for me to claim -them would be ridiculous. Some, however, have affirmed that -it is a mere Translation, who have never seen, read, or -heard the Original; if they had, indeed, they would have -been still more culpable. Few will trouble themselves to -examine the precise Extent of my Claims; nor, if they did, -would they have an Opportunity ’till M. _de Beaumarchais_ -shall think proper to publish LA FOLLE JOURNÉE. The Public -in general are so willing to overlook Defects, and applaud -wherever they can, that to complain of, or be angry at -the Few who seek for, and wish to find, Errors only, can -proceed alone from that Self-love which is so inherent and -irritable in all bosoms, and so difficult to subdue. - -To enumerate all the Obstacles encountered and overcome -in bringing this Comedy on the English Stage, would be -to indulge this Vanity; which it is every wise Man’s -Pride, and every prudent Man’s Interest to resist. It may, -however, afford some Pleasure to be informed, that, finding -it impossible to procure a Copy of the original French, -though a Journey to Paris was undertaken expressly for that -Purpose, the Copy made use of in the composing _The Follies -of a Day_, was taken by Memory, only, during eight or nine -Representations; that I furnished the Plot, Incidents, -Entrances, and Exits, and gave some other occasional Hints; -that the remainder was the Work of a young Frenchman, whose -Talents and whose Heart are an Ornament and an Honour to -his Country; and that, after it was brought to _England_ -and received by Mr. _Harris_, it was translated, cast, -copied, recopied, studied, and, in one of its longest -Parts, re-studied, and played in little more than a Month. -The Attention and Care of Mr. _Harris_, and the Merits -of the respective Performers in playing, as they did, -under such Circumstances, need not my Encomiums. Had the -Town known the peculiar Exertions, of those especially -who performed the longest and most essential Parts, the -applause would have been endless. From me they are justly -entitled to my warmest and sincerest Thanks. - - UPPER MARY-LE-BONE STREET, - FEB. 21, 1785. - - - - - PROLOGUE, - - Spoken by Mr. DAVIES. - - - To-night, a Child of Chance is hither brought, - Who could be neither _borrow’d_, _begg’d_, nor _bought_; - Nay, so alert was said to be the Droll, - ’Twas well affirm’d he was not to be _stole_; - But hence dispatch’d, back’d by Apollo’s warrant, - A messenger has _kidnapp’d_ this Wag-errant; - Poetic Fugitive, has hither dragg’d him, - And, safely here arriv’d, has now ungagg’d him, - To plead before this Court, his whole amenance; - Where, should you sentence him to public Penance, - Oh, sad reverse! how would he foam and fret, - And sigh for Paris and his sweet _Soubrette_! - Where twice ten thousand tongues are proud to greet him, - And wing’d Applause, on tip-toe, stands to meet him; - Where the grim Guard, in nightly rapture, stands, - And grounds his musquet to get at his hands; - Where the retentive Pitt, all prone t’adore him, - Repeat his _Bon mots_ half a bar before him; - While every _Bel-Esprit_, at every hit, - Grows fifty-fold more conscious of his Wit. - - If _far fetch’d and dear bought_ give Trifles worth, - Sure you’ll applaud our FIGARO’s second birth. - Nought of his present merit must we say; - Bear but in mind, OUR Day’s a SPANISH Day. - Cupid, in warmer Climes, urg’d by the Grape, - Calls not each petty violence a Rape! - But oft his Votaries leaves intoxicate, - Hence FIGARO himself is illegitimate. - - Sanction’d by you, howe’er, this little Blot, - So much in fashion, will be soon forgot; - That Signature which each kind hand bestows, - Shall make him well receiv’d where’er he goes! - - - - - DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. - - - Count Almaviva, Mr. LEWIS. - Don Guzman, Mr. QUICK. - Doctor Bartholo, Mr. WILSON. - Figaro, Mr. BONNOR. - Antonio, Mr. EDWIN. - Basil, Mr. WEWITZER. - Doublefee, Mr. THOMPSON. - Bounce, Mr. STEVENS. - Courier, Mr. JONES. - Crier of the Court, Mr. BATES. - Servant, Mr. NEWTON. - Page, Mrs. MARTYR. - - Countess, Mrs. BATES. - Marcelina, Mrs. WEBB. - Agnes, Miss WEWITZER. - Susan, Miss YOUNGE. - - - Counsellors, Guards, Vassals. - - -☞ _The Passages put between inverted Commas are omitted in -the Representation._ - - - - -THE - -FOLLIES OF A DAY. - - - - -ACT I. - - -SCENE, the Castle of Count ALMAVIVA. - -FIGARO _and_ SUSAN. - - (_Figaro measuring the chamber with a wand._) - - -_Figaro._ Eighteen feet by twenty-six, good. - -_Susan._ What art thou so busy about? - -_Figaro._ Measuring, to try if the bed our noble Lord -intends to give us will stand well here. - -_Susan._ In this chamber! - -_Figaro._ Yes. - -_Susan._ I won’t lie in this chamber. - -_Figaro._ Why so? - -_Susan._ I tell you I won’t lie in this chamber. - -_Figaro._ Well but---- - -_Susan._ I don’t like it. - -_Figaro._ Your reason. - -_Susan._ What if I have no reason?--What if I don’t chuse -to give my reason? - -{{_Figaro._ “Ah, ah!--Thus it is when once they think they -have us fast. - -_Susan._ “Are you, or are you not my most obedient very -humble servant? - -_Figaro._ “Your slave----(_Bows very low._) - -_Susan._ “Oh! - -_Figaro._ “But wherefore take exception to the most -convenient room in the whole house? - -_Susan._ “Yes, yes!--The most convenient!--(_Satirically._) - -_Figaro._ “If during the night my Lady should be taken ill, -she rings her bell, and crack!--in two steps--thou art -standing at her side.--In the morning when my Lord wakes, -he calls, I start, and pop--three skips and I am there. - -_Susan._ “Very true--And in the morning when my Lord has -sent thee on some fine errand of an hour long, he starts -from his bed as soon as Mr. Figaro’s back is turn’d, and -crack!--in three skips--he--(_significantly._) - -_Figaro._ “He? - -_Susan._ “Yes--he---- - -_Figaro._ “(_Keeps rubbing his forehead and looking at -Susan._) He! - -_Susan._ “He!----Dost thou feel any thing? - -_Figaro._ “(_Presses his finger and thumb against his -forehead_) Buttons!--In pairs!----Mushrooms sprout not so -suddenly--Yes, yes--it’s a fruitful spot.”}} - -_Susan._ Thou knowest how our _generous_ Count when he by -thy help obtained Rosina’s hand, and made her Countess of -Almaviva, during the first transports of love abolished a -certain gothic right---- - -_Figaro._ Of sleeping the first night with every Bride. - -_Susan._ Which as Lord of the Manor he could claim. - -_Figaro._ Know it!--To be sure I do, or I would not have -married even my charming Susan in his Domain. - -_Susan._ Tired of prowling among the rustic beauties of the -neighbourhood he returned to the Castle-- - -_Figaro._ And his wife. - -_Susan._ And _thy_ wife--(_Figaro stares_)--Dost thou -understand me? - -_Figaro._ Perfectly! - -_Susan._ And endeavours, once more, secretly to purchase -from her, a right which he now most sincerely repents he -ever parted with. - -_Figaro._ Most gracious Penitent! - -_Susan._ This is what he hints to me every instant, and -this the faithful Basil, honest agent of his pleasures, -and my most noble music master, every day repeats with my -lesson. - -_Figaro._ Basil! - -_Susan._ Basil. - -_Figaro._ Indeed! But if tough ashen plant or supple-jack -twine not round thy lazy sides, Rascal-- - -_Susan._ Ha, ha, ha! Why wert thou ever wise enough to -imagine the portion the Count intends to give us was meant -as a reward for thy services? - -_Figaro._ I think I had some reason to hope as much. - -_Susan._ Lord, lord! What great fools are you men of wit! - -_Figaro._ I believe so. - -_Susan._ I am sure so. - -_Figaro._ Oh that it were possible to deceive this arch -Deceiver, this Lord of mine! To lead him into some -excellent snare, pocket his gold and-- - -_Susan._ Hah! Now thou art in thy element--Gold and -intrigue--Plots and purses--But let him that diggeth a pit -beware he-- - -_Figaro._ I’ll try--{{“The Lover’s jealousy and the -Husband’s shame shall not deter me”}}--Your trick, most -noble Count, is common place--A thousand blundering -Boobies have had art enough to filch a Wife from the side -of her sleeping, simple, unsuspecting Spouse, and if he -complained, to redress his injuries with a cudgel--But -to turn the tables on this Poacher, make him pay for a -delicious morsel he shall never taste, infect him with -fears for his own honor, to-- - -_Susan._ (_The bell rings_) Hark! My Lady is awake--I must -run, for she has several times strictly charged me to be -the first at her bedside the morning of my marriage. - -_Figaro._ Why the first? - -_Susan._ The old saying tells us, that to meet a young -Bride the first on the morning of her wedding-day is lucky -to a neglected wife. (_Going._) - -_Figaro._ Prithee, my Susan, give me a kiss before thou -goest--It will quicken my wits, and lend imagination a new -impulse. - -_Susan._ To be sure!--But if I kiss my Lover to-day what -will my Husband say to me to-morrow? (_seems to refuse, -Figaro kisses her_). Pshaw Figaro! when wilt thou cease to -trifle thus from morning till night (_playfully_). - -_Figaro._ When I may trifle from night to morning (_in the -same tone_). - -_Susan._ There, there--There’s all the kisses I shall give. - - (_Kisses her hand at him and runs, he pursues - to the side._) - -_Figaro._ Stop, stop, you cheating little knave; that was -not the way you received them. (_Returns_) A sweet Girl! -An Angel! Such wit! Such grace! and so much prudence and -modesty too!--I am a happy fellow!--So Mr. Basil! Is it -me, Rascal, you mean to practice the tricks of your trade -upon?--I’ll teach you to put your spoon in my milk--But -hold--Dissemble is the word--Feign we ignorance and -endeavour to catch them in their own traps--I wondered why -the Count, who had made me Steward and Inspector-general -of the Castle, should change his mind so suddenly, and -want to take me with him on his embassy to Paris, there -to institute me his Messenger in ordinary--A cunning -contrivance that--He, Plenipotentiary in chief, I, a -break-neck Politician, and Susan, Lady of the back-stairs, -Ambassadress of the bed-chamber--I dashing through thick -and thin and wearing myself to a skeleton, for the good of -my most gracious Lord’s family, and he labouring, night -and day, for the increase of mine--Really, most honorable -Count, you are too kind--What to represent his Majesty -and me both at once--It’s too much, too much by half----A -moment’s reflection friend Figaro on the events of the -day--First, thou must promote the Sports and Feasting -already projected, that appearances may not cool, but that -thy Marriage may proceed with greater certainty; next, keep -off one madam Marcelina, whose liquorish mouth waters at -thee, and to whom thou hast given a Promise of Marriage, -in default of the repayment of certain borrowed Sums which -it would be very convenient to thy affairs never more to -mention--Talk of the Devil and---- - - - _Enter Doctor_ BARTHOLO _and_ MARCELINA. - -_Marcelina._ Good-morrow to Mr. Bridegroom. - -_Figaro._ Good-morrow to madam Marcelina--What! My old fat -friend the Doctor! Are you there? - -_Doctor._ Yes, Knave’s face. - -_Figaro._ As witty, I perceive, and no doubt as wise as -ever--And have you been complaisant enough to come thus far -to see me married? - -_Doctor._ To see thee hang’d. - -_Figaro._ Most kind Doctor--But who takes care of your -Mule? I know you have as much mercy on your Beast as you -have on your Patient. - -_Doctor._ Do you hear him? - -_Figaro._ And you, gentle Marcelina, do you still wish to -marry me--What, because I cannot fall in love with you, -would you drive me to hate you? - - [_Exit Figaro._ - -_Doctor._ The Rascal will never mend. - -_Marcelina._ ’Tis you, Doctor, will never mend--{{“You are -so eternally wise, dull and slow, that when a Patient has -need of your assistance he may die before you get to him, -like as formerly your Mistress got married in spite of your -precautions.”}} - -_Doctor._ Was it to entertain me thus agreeably that you -sent for me in such haste from Seville? - -_Marcelina._ Not entirely for that. - -_Doctor._ What then--Is any body ill? Is the Count -indisposed? - -_Marcelina._ No, it is the Countess who is indisposed. - -_Doctor._ What the artful, the deceitful Rosina? What’s her -disorder? - -_Marcelina._ A faithless Husband. - -_Doctor._ A very common complaint indeed. - -_Marcelina._ The Count forsakes her, and falls in love with -every fresh face. - -_Doctor._ I am glad of it--I am glad of it--I foresaw it--I -thought Count Almaviva would revenge the wrongs of Doctor -Bartholo. - -_Marcelina._ After toying with a thousand neighbouring -Beauties, he now returns to the castle to terminate the -marriage of Susan and Figaro. - -_Doctor._ Which he himself has made necessary. - -_Marcelina_. Oh no--But at which he wishes to act rather as -a Principal than an Agent. - -_Doctor._ In private with the Bride. - -_Marcelina._ Even so. - -_Doctor._ She I suppose has no great objection. - -_Marcelina._ Charitable Doctor--Basil, however, her music -master, who takes great pains to instruct her, says to the -contrary. - -_Doctor._ Basil! What is that other Rascal here too?--Why -the house is a den of Thieves--What does he do here? - -_Marcelina._ All the mischief he can--He persecutes me with -his odious love unceasingly; I cannot get rid of him. - -_Doctor._ Marry him--I’ll answer for his cure. - -_Marcelina._ That’s what he wants--But pray Doctor, why -will not you get rid of me by the same means? The claims of -Justice and oaths out of number should-- - -_Doctor._ So so so so--What is the matrimonial furor come -upon you again? - -_Marcelina._ Our long lost son, Fernando! the dear pledge -of my virgin love! were he but found, perhaps-- - -_Doctor._ And so you sent for me to hear this stale -rhodomontade? - -{{_Marcelina._ “And are you, now you have lost your Rosina, -as inflexible and unjust as ever?”}} - -_Doctor._ Pshaw! - -_Marcelina._ Well--Since you are determined never to marry -me yourself, will you have the complaisance to aid me in -marrying another? - -_Doctor._ With all my heart!--With all my heart!-- - -_Marcelina._ Ah! (_curtsies_). - -_Doctor._ But who?--What miserable Mortal, abandoned of -Heaven and Women-- - -_Marcelina._ Who but the amiable, the gay, the ever -sprightly Figaro? - -_Doctor._ Figaro! That Rascal! - -_Marcelina._ Youthful and generous! - -_Doctor._ As a Highwayman. - -_Marcelina._ As a Nobleman-- - -_Doctor._ Pshaw, impossible! what on the very day he is -going to marry another? - -{{_Marcelina._ “Things more improbable have come to pass. - -_Doctor._ “But your motive? - -_Marcelina._ “For you, Doctor, I have no secrets. - -_Doctor._ “Women seldom have for Doctors. - -_Marcelina._ “I own our sex, though timid, is ardent in the -pursuit of pleasure. There is, in all our bosoms, a small -still voice which unceasing cries--Woman, be as beautiful -as thou canst, as virtuous as thou wilt, but, at all -events, be conspicuous, be talk’d about; for thy Wisdom, if -thou hast it--if not for thy Folly. - -_Doctor._ “She utters Oracles--Well, well, accomplish this, -and I will engage you shall be talk’d about.”}} - -_Marcelina._ We must endeavour to work upon Susan by fear -and shame, for the more obstinately she refuses the amorous -offers of the Count, the more effectually she will serve -our purpose; disappointment and revenge will lead him to -support my cause, and as he is sovereign Judge in his own -Lordship, his power may make Figaro’s promise of marriage -to me valid. - -_Doctor._ Promise--Has he given you any such promise? - -_Marcelina._ A written one--You shall see it. - -_Doctor._ By Galen, this is excellent! The rascal shall -marry my old House-keeper, and I shall be revenged for the -tricks he lately played me, and the hundred pistoles he -contrived to cheat me of. - -_Marcelina._ (_transported_) Yes, yes, Doctor! I shall have -him! He shall marry me! He shall marry me! - - - _Enter_ SUSAN, _with a gown on her arm, and a cap and - riband of the Countess, in her hand_. - -_Susan._ Marry you! Who is to marry you? Not my Figaro, I -assure you, madam. - -_Marcelina._ Why not me, as soon as you, madam? - -_Susan._ Indeed! your most obedient, madam. - -_Doctor._ (_aside_) So now for a merry scolding match.--We -were saying, handsome Susan, how happy Figaro must be in -such a Bride-- - - (_Susan curtsies to the Doctor._) - -_Marcelina._ Not to mention the secret satisfaction of my -Lord the Count. - -_Susan._ Dear madam, you are so abundantly kind. - -_Marcelina._ Not so abundant in kindness, as a liberal -young Lord--But I own it is very natural, he should partake -the pleasures he so freely bestows upon his Vassals. - -_Susan._ (_half angry_) Partake--Happily madam, your Envy -is as obvious, and your Slander as false, as your Claims on -Figaro are weak and ill founded. - -{{_Marcelina._ “If they are weak, it is because I wanted -the art to strengthen them, after the manner of madam. - -_Susan._ “Yet madam has ever been reckoned a mistress of -her art. - -_Marcelina._ “I hope, madam, I shall always have your good -word, _madam_. (_Curtsies._) - -_Susan._ “Oh, I can assure you, madam, you have nothing to -regret on that score, _madam_.” (_Curtsies mockingly._)}} - -_Marcelina._ The young Lady is really a very pretty kind of -Person--(_with a contemptuous side glance._) - -_Susan._ Oh yes (_mimicking_) The young Lady is at least as -pretty as the old Lady. - -{{_Marcelina._ “And very respectable. - -Susan. “Respectable! Oh no, that is the characteristic of -a Duenna. - -_Marcelina._ “A Duenna! A Duenna! - -_Doctor._ (_coming between them_) “Come, come-- - -_Marcelina._ “I--I--You--your very humble servant, _madam_. - -_Susan._ “Your most devoted, _madam_.”}} - -_Marcelina._ Farewell, _madam_. - - (_Exeunt Doctor and Marcelina._) - -_Susan._ Adieu, _madam_--this old Sibyl, because she -formerly tormented the infancy of my Lady, thinks she has -a right to domineer over every person in the Castle--I -declare I have forgot what I came for. - - (_Susan bangs the gown on a great arm chair - that stands in the room, and keeps the cap and - riband of the Countess in her hand._) - - - _Enter_ HANNIBAL _the Page, running_. - -_Susan._ So, Youth! What do you do here? - -_Page._ Good morrow, Susan--I have been watching these two -hours to find you alone. - -_Susan._ Well, what have you to say, now you have found me? - -_Page._ (_Childishly amorous_) How does your beauteous Lady -do, Susan? - -_Susan._ Very well. - -_Page._ (_Poutingly_) Do you know, Susan, my Lord is going -to send me back to my Pappa and Mamma? - -_Susan._ Poor Child! - -_Page._ Child indeed!--Umph!--And if my charming -God-mother, your dear Lady, cannot obtain my pardon, I -shall soon be deprived of the pleasure of your company, -Susan. - -_Susan._ Upon my word!--He is toying all day long with -Agnes, and is, moreover, in love with my Lady, and then -comes to tell me he shall be deprived of my company. -(_Aside._) - -_Page._ Agnes is good natured enough to listen to me, and -that is more than you are, Susan, for all I love you so. - -_Susan._ Love me!--Why you amorous little villain, you are -in love with every Woman you meet. - -_Page._ So I am, Susan, and I can’t help it--If no-body is -by, I swear it to the trees, the waters, and the winds, -nay, to myself--Yesterday I happened to meet Marcelina-- - -_Susan._ Marcelina! Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! - -_Page._ Why, she is a Woman, Susan. - -_Susan._ Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! - -_Page._ And what’s more, unmarried? Oh how sweet are the -words Woman, Maiden, and Love, in my ear! - -_Susan._ Ha! ha! ha!--He’s bewitch’d!--And what is the -Count going to send you from the Castle for? - -_Page._ Last night, you must know, he caught me in the -chamber with Agnes; begone, said he, thou little-- - -_Susan._ Little what? - -_Page._ Lord, he called me such a name, I can’t for shame -repeat it before a woman. - -_Susan._ And what were you doing in the chamber of Agnes? - -_Page._ Teaching her her part. - -_Susan._ Her part? - -_Page._ Yes, the love scene, you know, she is to play in -the Comedy this evening. - -_Susan._ Which my Lord would chuse to teach her himself. -(_aside._) - -_Page._ Agnes is very kind, Susan. - -_Susan._ Well, well, I’ll tell the Countess what you -say--But you are a little more circumspect in her presence. - -_Page._ Ah Susan, she is a Divinity! How noble is her -manner! Her very smiles are awful! - -_Susan._ That is to say, you can take what liberties you -please with such people as me. - -_Page._ Oh how do I envy thy happiness, Susan! Always near -her! Dressing her every morning! Undressing her every -evening! Putting her to bed! Touching her! Looking at her! -Speaking to--What is it thou hast got there, Susan? - -_Susan._ (_Counterfeiting the amorous air, and animated -tone of the Page._) It is the fortunate riband of the happy -cap, which at night enfolds the auburn ringlets of the -beauteous Countess. - -_Page._ Give it me--Nay, give it me--I will have it. - -_Susan._ But I say you shan’t (_the Page snatches it, and -runs round the great chair, dodging Susan_) Oh my riband! - -_Page._ Be as angry as thou wilt, but thou shalt _never_ -have it again, thou shouldst have one of my eyes rather. - -_Susan._ I can venture to predict, young gentleman, that -three or four years hence, thou wilt be one of the most -deceitful veriest Knaves-- - -_Page._ If thou dost not hold thy tongue, Susan, I’ll kiss -thee into the bargain. - -_Susan._ Kiss me!--Do not come near me, if thou lov’st -thy ears--I say, beg my Lord to forgive you, indeed! No I -assure you--{{“I shall say to him, you do very right, my -Lord, to send this little Rascal packing, who is not only -in love with my Lady, but wants to kiss other folks into -the bargain.” - -_Page._ “How can I help it, Susan”?}} Here, take this paper. - -_Susan._ For what? - -_Page._ It contains a Song I have written on thy beauteous -Lady, my charming God-mother. - -_Count._ (_without_) Jaquez. - -_Page._ Ah! I’m undone!--’Tis my Lord! - - (_The Page crouches down, and hides himself - behind Susan’s petticoats and the great chair._) - - - _Enter_ Count ALMAVIVA. - -(_Page remains hid behind the great chair._) - -_Count._ So, charming Susan, have I found thee at last? But -thou seemest frightened my little Beauty. - -_Susan._ Consider, my Lord, if any body should come and -catch you here-- - -_Count._ That would be rather mal-a-propos; but there’s no -great danger. - - (_The Count offers to kiss Susan._) - -_Susan._ Fie, my Lord! - - (_The Count seats himself in the great chair, - and endeavours to pull Susan on his knee, who - resists._) - -_Count._ Thou knowest, my charming Susan, the King has -done me the honour to appoint me Ambassador to the court -of Paris. I shall take Figaro with me, and give him a -very--_excellent_ post; and as it is the duty of a Wife to -follow her Husband, we shall then have every opportunity we -could wish. - -_Susan._ I really don’t understand you, my Lord. I thought -your affection for my Lady, whom you took so much pains to -steal from her old Guardian, Dr. Bartholo, and for love of -whom you generously abolished a certain vile privilege.-- - -_Count._ For which all the young girls are very sorry; are -they not? - -_Susan._ No indeed, my Lord--I thought, my Lord, I say-- - -_Count._ Prithee say no more, my sweet Susan, but promise -thou wilt meet me this evening, at twilight, by the -Pavilion in the garden; and be certain, that if thou wilt -but grant me this small favour, nothing thou canst ask -shall-- - -_Basil._ (_without._) He is not in his own room. - -_Count._ Heavens! Here’s somebody coming! Where can I hide! -Is there no place here? - - (_The Count runs to get behind the great chair, - Susan keeps between him and the Page, who - steals away as the Count advances, leaps into - the great chair, with his legs doubled under - him, and is covered over with the Countess’s - gown, by Susan._) - - - _Enter_ BASIL. - -_Basil._ Ah, Susan, Good morrow--Is my lord the Count here? - -_Susan._ Here! What should he be here for? - -_Basil._ Nay, there would be no miracle in it if he were: -would there, hey gentle Susan? (_Smiles and leers at her._) - -_Susan._ It would be a greater miracle to see you honest. - -_Basil._ Figaro is in search of him. - -_Susan._ Then he is in search of the man who wishes most to -injure him--yourself excepted. - -_Basil._ It is strange, that a man should injure the -Husband by obliging the Wife. - - (_The Count peeps from behind the great chair._) - -_Count._ I shall hear, now, how well he pleads my cause. - -_Basil._ For my part, Marriage being, of all serious -things, the greatest Farce, I imagined-- - -_Susan._ All manner of wickedness. - -_Basil._ That though you are obliged to fast to-day, you -might be glad to feed to-morrow, grace being first duly -said. - -_Susan._ Be gone, and do not shock my ears with your vile -principles. - -_Basil._ Yes, my pretty Susan, but you must not suppose -I am the dupe of these fine appearances. I know it isn’t -Figaro who is the great obstacle to my Lord’s happiness, -but a certain beardless Page, whom I surprised here, this -morning, looking for you as I entered. - -_Susan._ I wish you would be gone, you wicked--Devil. - -_Basil._ Wicked Devil! Ah, one is a wicked Devil for not -shutting one’s eyes. - -_Susan._ I wish you would be gone, I tell you. - -_Basil._ Was it not for you that he wrote the Song, which -he goes chanting up and down the house, at every instant? - -_Susan._ O yes! For me, to be sure! - -_Basil._ At least it was either for you, or your Lady. - -_Susan._ What next? - -_Basil._ Why really, when he sits at table, he does cast -certain very significant glances towards a beauteous -Countess, who shall be nameless--But let him beware! If -my Lord catches him at his tricks, he’ll make him dance -without music. - -_Susan._ Nobody, but such a wicked creature as you, could -ever invent such scandalous tales, to the ruin of a poor -Youth, who has unhappily fallen into his Lord’s disgrace. - -_Basil._ I invent! Why it is in every body’s mouth. - - (_The Count discovers himself, and comes - forward._) - -_Count._ How! In every body’s mouth! - -_Basil._ Zounds. - -_Count._ Run, Basil, let him have fifty pistoles and a -horse given him, and sent back to his friends instantly. - -_Basil._ I’m very sorry, my Lord, I happened to speak-- - -_Susan._ I’m quite suffocated. - - (_Susan seems almost ready to faint, the Count - supports her, and Basil assists._) - -_Count._ Let us seat her in this great chair, Basil. - -_Susan._ (_Frightened, and exclaims_) No!--I won’t sit -down!----(_After a pause_)--This wicked fellow has ruined -the poor boy. - -_Basil._ I assure you, my Lord, what I said, was only meant -to sound Susan. - -_Count._ No matter, he shall depart! A little, wanton, -impudent Rascal, that I meet at every turning--No longer -ago than yesterday I surprised him with the Gardener’s -daughter. - -_Basil._ Agnes? - -_Count._ In her very bed-chamber. - -_Susan._ Where my Lord happened to have business himself. - -_Count._ Hem!--I was going there to seek your uncle -Antonio, Susan, my drunken Gardener; I knock’d at the door, -and waited some time; at last Agnes came, with confusion -in her countenance--I entered, cast a look round, and -perceiving a kind of long Cloak, or Curtain, or some such -thing, approach’d, and without seeming to take the least -notice, drew it gently aside, thus--Hey! - -_Basil._ Zounds! - - (_The Count, during his speech, approaches the - arm chair, and acting his description draws - aside the gown that hides the Page. They all - stand motionless with surprise, for some time._) - -_Count._ Why, this is a better trick than t’other! - -_Basil._ No!--I won’t sit down! (_Mimicking Susan._) - -_Count._ (_To Susan_) And so it was to receive this pretty -Youth, that you were so desirous of being alone--And you, -you little Villain, what you don’t intend to mend your -manners then? But forgetting all respect for your friend -Figaro, and for the Countess your Godmother, likewise, you -are endeavouring here to seduce her favourite woman! I, -however (_turning towards Basil_) shall not suffer Figaro, -a man--whom--I _esteem--sincerely_--to fall the Victim of -such deceit--Did he enter with you, Basil? - -_Basil._ No, my Lord. - -_Susan._ There is neither Victim nor deceit in the case, my -Lord. He was here when you entered. - -_Count._ I hope that’s false: his greatest Enemy could not -wish him so much mischief. - -_Susan._ Knowing that you were angry with him, the poor Boy -came running to me, begging me to solicit my Lady in his -favor, in hopes she might engage you to forgive him; but -was so terrified, as soon as he heard you coming, that he -hid himself in the great Chair. - -_Count._ A likely story--I sat down in it, as soon as I -came in. - -_Page._ Yes, my Lord, but I was then trembling behind it. - -_Count._ That’s false, again, for I hid myself behind it, -when Basil entered. - -_Page._ (_Timidly_) Pardon me, my Lord, but as you -approach’d, I retired, and crouched down as you now see me. - -_Count._ (_Angrily_) It’s a little Serpent that glides -into every crevice--And he has been listening too to our -discourse! - -_Page._ Indeed, my Lord, I did all I could not to hear a -word. - -_Count._ (_To Susan_) There is no Figaro, no Husband for -you, however. - -_Basil._ Somebody is coming; get down. - - - _Enter the_ COUNTESS, FIGARO, AGNES, _and_ VASSALS, _in - their holiday cloaths_. Figaro _carrying the nuptial - cap--The_ Count _runs and plucks the Page from the great - chair, just as they enter_. - -_Count._ What! Would you continue crouching there before -the whole world? - - _(The Count and Countess salute._ - -_Figaro._ We are come, my Lord, to beg a favour, which we -hope, for your Lady’s sake, you will grant. (_Aside to -Susan_) Be sure to second what I say. - -_Susan._ It will end in nothing. (_Aside._ - -_Figaro._ No matter: let us try, at least. (_Aside._ - -_Countess._ You see, my Lord, I am supposed to have a much -greater degree of influence over you than I really possess. - -_Count._ Oh no, my Lady; not an atom, I assure you. - -_Figaro._ (_Presenting the cap to the Count_) Our petition -is, that the Bride may have the honor of receiving from -our worthy Lord’s hand, this Nuptial-Cap; ornamented with -half-blown roses, and white ribbands, Symbols of the purity -of his intentions. - -_Count._ Do they mean to laugh at me? (_Aside._ - -{{_Figaro._ “And as you have been kindly pleased to abolish -that abominable right, which, as Lord of the Manor, you -might have claimed, permit us, your Vassals, to celebrate -your praise, in a rustic Chorus I have prepared for this -occasion. The Virtues of so good a master should not remain -unsung. - -_Count._ “A Lover, a Poet, and a Musician!--These titles, -Figaro, might perhaps merit our indulgence, if”--}} - -_Countess._ Let me beg, my Lord, you will not deny their -request: in the name of that Love you once had for me. - -_Count._ And have still, Madam. - -_Figaro._ Join with me, my friends. - -_Omnes._ My Lord. - -_Susan._ Why should your Lordship refuse Eulogiums which -you merit so well? - -_Count._ Oh the Traitress. (_Aside_) Well, well,--I consent. - -_Figaro._ Look at her, my Lord; never could a more -beauteous Bride better prove the greatness of the sacrifice -you have made. - -_Susan._ Oh do not speak of my Beauty, but of his -Lordship’s Virtues. - -_Count._ My Virtues!--Yes, yes,--I see they understand each -other. (_Aside_) Who can tell me where is Marcelina? - -_Agnes._ I met her, my Lord, just now, in the close walk by -the park wall, along with Doctor Bartholo. She seemed in a -passion, and the Doctor tried to pacify her. I heard her -mention my Cousin Figaro’s name. - -_Count._ (_Aside_) No Cousin yet, my dear; and perhaps -never may be. - -_Agnes._ (_Pointing to the Page_) Have you forgiven what -happened yesterday, my Lord? - -_Count._ (_Afraid lest the Countess should hear, and -chucking Agnes under the chin_) Hush! - -_Figaro._ (_To the Page_) What’s the matter, young Hannibal -the brave? What makes you so silent? - -_Susan._ He is sorrowful because my Lord is going to send -him from the castle. - -_Omnes._ Oh pray, my Lord! - -_Countess._ Let me beg you will forgive him. - -_Count._ He does not deserve to be forgiven. - -_Countess._ Consider, he is so young. - -_Count._ (_Half aside_) Not so young, perhaps, as you -suppose. - -_Page._ My Lord certainly has not ceded away the right to -pardon. - -_Susan._ And if he had, that would certainly be the first -he would _secretly_ endeavour to reclaim. (_Looking -significantly at the Count and Figaro, by turns._) - -_Count._ (_Understanding her_) No doubt: no doubt. - -_Page._ My conduct, my Lord, may have been indiscreet, but -I can assure your Lordship, that never the least word shall -pass my lips---- - -_Count._ (_Interrupting him_) Enough, enough--Since every -body begs for him, I must grant--I shall moreover give him -a Company in my Regiment. - -_Omnes._ Thanks noble Count. - -_Count._ But on condition that he depart immediately for -Catalonia to join the Corps. - -_Omnes._ Oh my Lord? - -_Figaro._ To-morrow my Lord. - -_Count._ To day! It shall be so. (_To the Page_) Take leave -of your Godmother, and beg her protection. - - (_The Page kneels to the Countess with a - sorrowful air. As he approaches to kneel, he - goes very slowly and Figaro gently pushes him - forward._) - -_Fig._ Go, go, Child; go. - -_Countess._ (_With great emotion_) Since--it is not -possible--to obtain leave--for you to remain here to-day, -depart, young man, and follow the noble career which lies -before you--Forget not those with whom you have spent some -of the first years of your life, and among whom you have -friends who wish you every success--Go where Fortune and -Glory call--Be obedient, polite, and brave, and be certain -we shall take part in your Prosperity. (_Raises him._ - -_Count._ You seem agitated Madam. - -_Countess._ How can I help it, recollecting the perils to -which his youth must be exposed? He has been bred in the -same house with me, is of the same kindred, and is likewise -my Godson. - -_Count._ (_Aside_) Basil I see was in the right.---- -(_Turns to the Page_) Go, kiss Susan for the last time. - - (_The Page and Susan approach, Figaro steps - between them and intercepts the Page._) - -_Fig._ Oh! There’s no occasion for kissing, my Lord: he’ll -return in the winter, and in the mean time he may kiss -me.--The scene must now be changed my delicate Youth: you -must not run up stairs and down, into the Women’s Chambers, -play at Hunt-the-slipper, steal Cream, suck Oranges, and -live upon Sweetmeats. Instead of that, Zounds! You must -look bluff! Tan your face! Handle your musket! Turn to the -right! Wheel to the left! And march to Glory.--At least if -you are not stopt short by a Bullet. - -_Susan._ Fie, Figaro. - -_Countess._ (_Terrified._) What a Prophecy! - -_Fig._ Were I a Soldier I would make some of them -scamper--But, come, come, my friends; let us prepare our -feast against the evening. Marcelina I hear intends to -disturb our Diversions. - -_Count._ That she will I can assure you. (_Aside_) I must -go and send for her. (_going._) - -_Countess._ You will not leave us, my Lord? - -_Count._ I am undrest, you see. - -_Countess._ We shall see nobody but our own servants. - -_Count._ I must do what you please. Wait for me in the -study, Basil. - - (_Exeunt Count, Countess, and Vassals._ - - _Manent Figaro, Basil and Page._ - -_Fig._ (_Retains the Page_) Come, come; let us study our -parts well for the Play in the evening: and do not let us -resemble those Actors who never play so ill as on the first -night of a Piece; when Criticism is most watchful to detect -Errors, and when they ought to play the best--{{“_We_ shall -not have an opportunity of playing better to-morrow.”}} - -_Basil._ My part is more difficult than you imagine. - -_Figaro._ And you may be rewarded for it, in a manner you -little expect. [_Aside._ - -_Page._ You forget, Figaro, that I am going. - -_Figaro._ And you wish to stay? (_In the same sorrowful -tone._) - -_Page._ (_Sighs._) Ah yes. - -_Figaro._ Follow my advice, and so thou shalt. - -_Page._ How, how? - -_Figaro._ Make no murmuring, but clap on your boots, and -seem to depart; gallop as far as the Farm, return to the -Castle on foot, enter by the back way, and hide yourself -till I can come to you. - -_Page._ And who shall teach Agnes her part, then? - -_Figaro._ Oh oh! - -_Basil._ Why, what the devil have you been about, young -Gentleman, for these eight days past, during which you -have hardly ever left her? Take care, Hannibal, take care, -or your Scholar will give her Tutor a bad character.--Ah -Hannibal! Hannibal! The Pitcher that goes often to the -Well-- - -_Figaro._ Listen to the Pedant and his Proverb.--Well, and -what says the wisdom of Nations--_The pitcher that goes -often to the well_-- - -_Basil._ Stands a chance, sometime, to return full. - -_Figaro._ Not so foolish as I thought. - - -End of ACT I. - - - - -ACT II. - - -SCENE, the COUNTESS’s Bed-Chamber. - - (_A state-bed in the back ground under an Alcove: - three doors; one the entrance into the room, another - into Susan’s room, and the third to the Countess’s - dressing-room; a large window that opens to the street._) - -_The_ COUNTESS _seated_, SUSAN _waiting_. - -_Countess._ Shut the door--And so the Page was hid behind -the great chair? - -_Susan._ Yes, Madam. - -_Countess._ But how did he happen to be in your room, Susan? - -_Susan._ The poor Boy came to beg I would prevail on you to -obtain his pardon of my Lord the Count. - -_Countess._ But why did not he come to me himself? I should -not have refused him a favor of that kind. - -_Susan._ Bashfulness, Madam. _Ah Susan!_ said he, _she is -a Divinity! How noble is her Manner! Her very smiles are -awful._ - -_Countess._ (_Smiling_) Is that true, Susan? - -_Susan._ Can you doubt it, Madam? - -_Countess._ I have always afforded him my protection. - -_Susan._ Had you, Madam, but seen him snatch the ribband -from me! - -_Countess._ (_Rising_) Pshaw! Enough of this nonsense--And -so my Lord the Count endeavours to seduce you, Susan? - -_Susan._ Oh, no indeed, Madam, he does not give himself -the trouble to seduce; he endeavours to purchase me: and -because I refuse him will certainly prevent my marriage -with Figaro, and support the pretensions of Marcelina. - -_Countess._ Fear nothing--We shall have need, however, of a -little artifice perhaps; in the execution of which Figaro’s -assistance may not be amiss. - -_Susan._ He will be here, Madam, as soon as my Lord is gone -a coursing. - -_Countess._ Your Lord is an ungrateful man, Susan!--An -ungrateful man! (_The Countess walks up and down the room -with some emotion_) Open the window; I am stifled for -want of air--Vows, protestations and tenderness are all -forgotten--My Love offends, my Caresses disgust--He thinks -his own Infidelities must all be overlook’d, yet my Conduct -must be irreproachable. - -_Susan_ (_At the window looking into the street_). Yonder -goes my Lord with all his Grooms and Greyhounds. - -_Countess._ To _divert_ himself with hunting a poor timid -harmless Hare to death--This, however, will give us -time--Somebody knocks, Susan. - -{{_Susan._ “For Figaro’s the lad, is the lad for me.”}} - - (_Goes singing to the Door._) - - - _Enter_ FIGARO. - - (_He kisses Susan’s hand, she makes signs to - him to be more prudent, and points to the - Countess._) - -_Countess._ Well, Figaro, you have heard of my Lord the -Count’s designs on your young Bride. - -_Figaro._ Oh yes, my Lady. There was nothing very -surprising in the news. My Lord sees a sweet, young, -lovely--Angel! (_Susan curtsies_) and wishes to have her -for himself. Can any thing be more natural? I wish the very -same-- - -_Countess._ I don’t find it so very pleasant, Figaro. - -_Figaro._ He endeavours to overturn the schemes of those -who oppose his wishes; and in this he only follows the -example of the rest of the world. I endeavour to do the -very same. - -_Susan._ But with less probability of success, Figaro. - -_Figaro._ Follow my advice, and I’ll convince you of your -mistake. - -_Countess._ Let me hear. - -_Figaro._ You, my lovely Susan, must appoint the Count to -meet him, as he proposed, this evening, by the Pavilion in -the Garden. - -_Countess._ How! Figaro! Can you consent? - -_Figaro._ And why not, Madam? - -_Susan._ But if you can, sir, do you think I-- - -_Figaro._ Nay, my Charmer, do not imagine I would wish thee -to grant him any thing thou wishest to refuse--But first we -must dress up the Page in your cloaths, my dear Susan--, he -is to be your Representative. - -_Countess._ The Page! - -_Susan._ He is gone. - -_Figaro._ Is he?--Perhaps so. But a whistle from me will -bring him back. (_The Countess seems pleased._) - -_Susan._ So! Now Figaro’s happy!--Plots and Contrivances-- - -_Figaro._ Two! Three! Four at a time! Embarrass’d! -Involv’d! Perplex’d!--Leave me to unravel them. I was born -to thrive in Courts. - -_Susan._ I have heard the Trade of a Courtier is not so -difficult as some pretend. - -_Figaro._ Ask for every thing that falls, seize every thing -in your power, and accept every thing that’s offered--There -is the whole art and mystery in three words. - -_Countess._ Well, but the Count, Figaro? - -_Figaro._ Permit me, Madam, to manage him--And first, the -better to secure _my_ property, I shall begin by making him -dread the loss of _his own_.--{{“Oh, what pleasure shall -I have in cutting out Employment for him during the whole -day!--To see him waste that time in jealously-watching -your conduct, Madam, which he meant to employ in amorous -dalliance with my sweet Bride--To behold him running -here and there and he does not know where, and hunting a -monstrous Shadow, which he dreads to find, yet longs to -grasp.”}} - -_Countess._ Surely, Figaro, you are out of your wits. - -_Figaro._ Pardon, my dear Lady, but it is your good Lord -who will soon be out of his wits. - -_Countess._ But as you know him to be so jealous, how will -you dare?-- - -_Figaro._ Oh, Madam! Were he not jealous, my scheme would -not be worth a doit: but it will now serve a double -purpose--The Jewel which Possession has made him neglect, -will again become valuable, if once he can be brought to -dread its loss. - -_Countess._ To confess the truth, Figaro, your project -exactly corresponds with the one I meant to practise--An -anonymous Letter must be sent, informing him, that a -Gallant, meaning to profit by his neglect-- - -_Figaro._ And absence--is at present with his beauteous -Countess----The thing is already done, Madam. - -_Countess._ How!--Have you dared to trifle thus with a -Woman of Honor? - -_Figaro._ Oh, Madam, it is only with a Woman of Honor I -should presume to take a liberty like this; least my Joke -should happen to prove a Reality. - -_Countess_ (_Smiles_). You don’t want an agreeable excuse, -Figaro. - -_Figaro._ The hour of performing the marriage Ceremony will -arrive post haste--he will be disconcerted, and having no -good excuse ready, will never venture in your presence, -Madam, to oppose our union. - -_Susan._ But if he will not, Marcelina will; and thou wilt -be condemned to pay-- - -_Figaro._ Poh! Thou hast forgot the Count is our -Judge!--And, after being entrapp’d at the rendezvous, will -he condemn us, thinkest thou?--But come, come, we must be -quick--I’ll send the Page hither to be dress’d--We must not -lose a moment. - - (_Exit Figaro._ - -_Countess_ (_Examining her head dress in a pocket -looking-glass_). What a hideous cap this is, Susan; its -quite awry--This Youth who is coming-- - -_Susan._ Ah, Madam! Your Beauty needs not the addition of -Art in his eyes. - -_Countess._ And my hair too--I assure you, Susan, I shall -be very severe with him. - -_Susan_ (_Smoothing the Countess’s hair_). Let me spread -this Curl a little, Madam--Oh, pray Madam, make him sing -the song he has written. - - (_Susan throws the song into the Countess’s - lap, which the Page had given her._) - -_Countess._ I shall tell him of all the complaints I hear -against him. - -_Susan._ Oh Yes Madam; I can see you will scold him, -heartily. - -_Countess_ (_Seriously_). What do you say, Susan? - -_Susan_ (_Goes to the door_). Come; come in Mr. Soldier. - - - _Enter_ PAGE. - - (_Susan pretends to threaten him by signs._) - -_Page._ Um--(_Pouts aside._) - -_Countess._ Well, young gentleman, (_With assumed -severity_)--How innocent he looks, Susan! (_Aside to -Susan_). - -_Susan._ And how bashful, Madam! - -_Countess_ (_Resuming her serious air_). Have you reflected -on the duties of your new Profession? - - (_The Page imagines the Countess is angry, and - timidly draws back._) - -Susan (_Aside to the Page_). Ay, ay, young Rake, I’ll tell -all I know.--(_Returns to the Countess_). Observe his -downcast eyes, Madam, and long eye-lashes.--(_Aside to the -Page_) Yes, Hypocrite, I’ll tell. - -_Countess_ (_Seeing the Page more and more fearful_). Nay, -Hannibal--don’t--be terrified--I--Come nearer. - -_Susan_ (_Pushing him towards the Countess_). Advance, -Modesty. - -_Countess._ Poor Youth, he is quite affected--I am not -angry with you; I was only going to speak to you on the -duties of a Soldier--Why do you seem so sorrowful? - -_Page._ Alas, Madam, I may well be sorrowful! Being, as I -am, obliged to leave a Lady so gentle and so kind---- - -_Susan._ And so beautiful--(_In the same tone and half -aside._) - -_Page._ Ah, yes! (_Sighs_). - -_Susan_ (_Mimicking_). Ah, yes!--Come, come, let me try -on one of my Gowns upon you--Come here--Let us measure--I -declare the little Villain is not so tall as I am. - -_Page._ Um--(_Pouts._) - -_Susan._ Turn about--Let me untie your cloak. - - (_Susan takes off the Page’s cloak._) - -_Countess._ But suppose somebody should come? - -_Susan._ Dear, my Lady, we are not doing any harm--I’ll -lock the door, however, for fear--(_The Page casts a glance -or two at the Countess, Susan returns_) Well! Have you -nothing to say to my beauteous Lady, and your charming -God-mother? - -_Page_ (_Sighs_). Oh, yes! That I am sure I shall love her -as long as I live! - -_Countess._ Esteem, you mean, Hannibal. - -_Page._ Ye--ye--yes--Es--teem! I should have said. - -_Susan_ (_Laughs_). Yes, yes, Esteem! The poor Youth -overflows with Es--teem and Aff--ection--and-- - -_Page._ Um! (_Aside to Susan_). - -_Susan._ Nia, nia, nia, (_Mocking the Page_).--Dear Madam, -do make him sing those good-for-nothing Verses. - -_Countess._ (_Takes the verses Susan gave her, from her -pocket_) Pray who wrote them? - -_Susan_ (_Pointing to the Page_). Look, Madam, look! His -sins rise in his face--Nobody but an Author could look so -silly-- - -_Countess._ Come, Hannibal, sing. - -_Susan._ Ah, the bashful Scribbler! - - -SONG. - - To the Winds, to the Waves, to the Woods I complain; - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart! - They hear not my Sighs, and they heed not my Pain; - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart! - - {{“The name of my Goddess I ’grave on each Tree; - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart! - ’Tis I wound the bark, but Love’s arrows wound me: - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart! - - The Heav’ns I view with their azure bright skies; - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart! - But Heaven to me are her still brighter eyes: - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!”}} - - To the Sun’s morning splendor the poor Indian bows; - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart! - But I dare not worship where I pay my Vows: - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart! - - {{“His God each morn rises and he can adore; - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart! - But my Goddess to me must soon never rise more: - Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!”}} - - (_During the song the Countess is evidently - affected by the Passion with which the Page - sings._ - -_Susan._ Now let us try whether one of my Caps-- - -_Countess._ There is one of mine lies on my dressing-table. -(_Exit Susan to the dressing room of the Countess._)--Is -your Commission made out? - -_Page._ Oh yes, Madam, and given me; Here it is. - - (_Presents his commission to the Countess._) - -_Countess._ Already? They have made haste I see! They are -not willing to lose a moment--Their hurry has made them -even forget to affix the Seal. - -_Susan._ (_Returns_) The Seal! To what, Madam? - -_Countess._ His Commission. - -_Susan._ So soon! - -_Countess._ I was observing, there has been no time lost. - - (_Returns the Page his Commission; he sticks it - in his girdle._) - -_Susan._ Come--(_Makes the Page kneel down, and puts him -on the cap_) What a pretty little Villain it is! I declare -I am jealous: see if he is not handsomer than I am! Turn -about--There--What’s here?--The riband!--So, so, so! Now -all is out! I’m glad of it--I told my young Gentleman I -would let you know his thievish tricks, Madam. - -_Countess._ Fetch me some black patches Susan. - - (_Exit Susan to her own chamber._ - - _The Countess and the Page remain mute for a - considerable time during which the Page looks - at the Countess with great passion, though - with the bashful side glances natural to his - character--The Countess pretends not to observe - him, and visibly makes several efforts to - overcome her own feelings._) - -_Countess._ And--and--so--you--you are sorry--to leave us? - -_Page._ Ye--yes--Madam. - -_Countess._ (_Observing the Page’s heart so full that he -is ready to burst into tears_) ’Tis that good-for-nothing -Figaro who has frightened the child with his prognostics. - -_Page._ (_Unable to contain himself any longer_) N-o-o-o -indee-ee-eed, Madam, I-I-am o-on-only-gri-ieved to part -from-so dear a-La-a-ady. - -_Countess._ (_Takes out her handkerchief and wipes his -eyes_) Nay, but don’t weep, don’t weep--Come, come, be -comforted. (_A knocking is heard at the Countess’s chamber -door_) Who’s there? (_In an authoritative tone._) - - _The Count speaks without._ - -_Count._ Open the door, my Lady. - -_Countess._ Heavens! It is the Count!--I am ruined!--If -he finds the Page here after receiving Figaro’s anonymous -Letter I shall be for ever lost!--What imprudence! - -_Count._ (_Without_) Why don’t you open the door? - -_Countess._ Because----I’m alone. - -_Count._ Alone! Who are you talking to then! - -_Countess._ To you, to be sure--How could I be so -thoughtless--This villainous Figaro. - -_Page._ After the scene of the great chair this morning he -will certainly murder me if he finds me here. - -_Countess._ Run into my dressing-room and lock the door on -the inside. (_the Countess opens the door to the Count._) - - - _Enter the_ COUNT. - -_Count._ You did not use to lock yourself in, when you were -alone, Madam! Who were you speaking to? - -_Countess._ (_Endeavouring to conceal her agitation_) -To--To Susan, who is rumaging in her own room. - -_Count._ But you seem agitated, Madam. - -_Countess._ That is not impossible (_affecting to take a -serious air_) We were speaking of you. - -_Count._ Of me! - -_Countess._ Your jealousy, your indifference, my Lord. - -{{_Count._ “I cannot say for indifference, my Lady, and as -for jealousy, you know best whether I have any cause. - -_Countess._ “My Lord! - -_Count._ “In short, my Lady, there are people in the world, -who are malicious enough to wish to disturb either your -repose or mine. I have received private advice that a -certain Thing called a Lover-- - -_Countess._ “Lover! - -_Count._ “Ay, or Gallant, or any other title you like -best, meant to take advantage of my absence, and introduce -himself into the Castle. - -_Countess._ “If there even were any one audacious enough to -make such an attempt, he would find himself disappointed of -meeting me; for I shall not stir out of my room to-day. - -_Count._ “What, not to the Wedding? - -_Countess._ “I am indisposed. - -_Count._ “Its lucky then that the Doctor is here.”}} - - (_The Page oversets a table in the Countess’s - dressing-room._) - -_Countess._ (_Terrified._) What will become of me? -(_Aside._) - -_Count._ What noise is that? - -_Countess._ I heard no noise. - -_Count._ No? You must be most confoundedly absent, then. - -_Countess._ (_Affecting to return his irony_) Oh, to be -sure. - -_Count._ But there is somebody in your dressing-room, Madam. - -_Countess._ Who should there be? - -_Count._ That’s what I want to know. - -_Countess._ It is Susan, I suppose, putting the chairs and -tables to rights. - -_Count._ What! Your favourite woman turned house-maid! You -told me just now she was in her own room. - -_Countess._ In _her_ room, or _my_ room, it is all one. - -_Count._ Really, my Lady, this Susan of yours is a very -nimble, convenient kind of person. - -_Countess._ Really, my Lord, this Susan of mine disturbs -your quiet very much. - -_Count._ Very true, my Lady, so much that I am determined -to see her. - -_Countess._ These suspicions are very much to your credit, -my Lord. - -_Count._ If they are not to your discredit, my Lady, it -is very easy to remove them--But I see you mean to trifle -with me (_he goes to the Countess’s dressing-room door, and -calls_) Susan! Susan! If Susan you are, come forth! - -_Countess._ Very well, my Lord! Very well! Would you have -the girl come out half undressed? She is trying on one of -my left off dresses--To disturb female privacy, in this -manner, my Lord, is certainly very unprecedented. - - (_During the warmth of this dispute, Susan - comes from her own room, perceives what is - passing, and after listening long enough to - know how to act, slips, unseen by both, behind - the curtains of the bed which stands in the - Alcove._) - -_Count._ Well, if she can’t come out, she can answer at -least. (_Calls_) Susan!--Answer me, Susan. - -_Countess._ I say, do not answer, Susan! I forbid you to -speak a word!--We shall see who she’ll obey. - -_Count._ But if you are so innocent, Madam, what is the -reason of that emotion and perplexity so very evident in -your countenance? - -_Countess._ (_Affecting to laugh_) Emotion and perplexity! -Ha! ha! ha! Ridiculous! - -_Count._ Well, Madam, be it as ridiculous as it may, I am -determined to be satisfied, and I think present appearances -give me a sufficient plea. (_Goes to the side of the Scenes -and calls_) Hollo! Who waits there? - -_Countess._ Do, do, my Lord! Expose your jealousy to your -very servants! Make yourself and me the jest of the whole -world. - -_Count._ Why do you oblige me to it?--However, Madam, since -you will not suffer that door to be opened, will you please -to accompany me while I procure an instrument to force it? - -_Countess._ To be sure, my Lord! To be sure! If you please. - -_Count._ And, in order that you may be fully justified, I -will make this other door fast (_Goes to Susan’s chamber -door, locks it, and takes the key._) As to the Susan of the -dressing-room, she must have the complaisance to wait my -return. - -_Countess._ This behaviour is greatly to your honor, my -Lord! (_This speech is heard as they are going through the -door, which the Count locks after him._) - - (Exeunt) - - - _Enter_ SUSAN, _peeping as they go off, then runs to the - dressing-room door and calls_. - -_Susan._ Hannibal!--Hannibal!--Open the door! Quick! -Quick!--It’s I, Susan. - - - _Enter_ PAGE, _frightened_. - -_Page._ Oh Susan! - -_Susan._ Oh my poor Mistress! - -_Page._ What will become of her? - -_Susan._ What will become of my marriage? - -_Page._ What will become of me? - -_Susan._ Don’t stand babbling here, but fly. - -_Page._ The doors are all fast, how can I fly? - -_Susan._ Don’t ask me! Fly! - -_Page._ Here’s a window open (_runs to the window_) -Underneath is a bed of flowers; I’ll leap out. - -_Susan._ (_Screams_) You’ll break your neck! - -_Page._ Better that than ruin my dear Lady--Give me one -kiss Susan. - -_Susan._ Was there ever seen such a young--(_Page kisses -her, runs and leaps out of the window, and Susan shrieks -at seeing him_) Ah! (_Susan sinks into a chair, overcome -with fear--At last she takes courage, rises, goes with -dread towards the window, and after looking out, turns -round with her hand upon her heart, a sigh of relief and -a smile expressive of sudden ease and pleasure._) He -is safe! Yonder he runs!--As light and as swift as the -winds!--If that Boy does not make some woman’s heart ache -I’m mistaken. (_Susan goes towards the dressing-room door, -enters, and peeps out as she is going to shut it._) And -now, my good jealous Count, perhaps, I may teach you to -break open doors another time. (_Locks herself in._) - - - _Enter_ COUNT, _with a wrenching iron in one hand, and - leading in the_ COUNTESS _with the other. Goes and - examines the doors._ - -_Count._ Every thing is as I left it. We now shall come to -an eclaircissement. - -_Countess._ But, my Lord!--He’ll murder him! (_Aside._) - -_Count._ Now we shall know--Do you still persist in forcing -me to break open this door?--I am determined to see who’s -within. - -_Countess._ Let me beg, my Lord, you’ll have a moment’s -patience!--Hear me only and you shall satisfy your utmost -curiosity!--Let me intreat you to be assured, that, however -appearances may condemn me, no injury was intended to your -honour. - -_Count._ Then there is a man? - -_Countess._ No--none of whom you can reasonably entertain -the least suspicion. - -_Count._ How? - -_Countess._ A jest!--A meer innocent, harmless frolic, for -our evening’s diversion! Nothing more, upon my Honor!--On -my soul! - -_Count._ But who--who is it? - -_Countess._ A Child! - -_Count._ Let us see your child!--What child? - -_Countess._ Hannibal. - -_Count._ The Page! (_Turns away_) This damnable Page -again?----Thus then is the Letter!----thus are my -Suspicions realized at last!--I am now no longer -astonished, Madam, at your emotion for your pretty Godson -this morning!--The whole is unravelled!--Come forth, Viper! -(_In great wrath._) - -_Countess._ (_Terrified and trembling_) Do not let the -Disorder in which you will see him---- - -_Count._ The Disorder!--The Disorder! - -_Countess._ We were going to dress him in women’s cloaths -for our evening’s diversion-- - -_Count._ I’ll stab him!--I’ll!--{{“And this is your -indisposition!--This is why you would keep your Chamber -all day! False, unworthy Woman! You shall keep it longer -than you expected.”}}--I’ll make him a terrible example of -an injured Husband’s wrath! - -_Countess._ (_Falling on her knees between the Count and -the door_) Hold, my Lord, hold! Or let your anger light on -me!--I, alone, am guilty! If there be any guilt--Have pity -on his youth! His infancy! - -_Count._ What! Intercede for him!--On your knees!--And to -me! There wanted but this!--I’ll rack him!--Rise!--I’ll -(_Furiously._) - -_Countess._ Promise me to spare his life! - -_Count._ Rise! - - (_The Countess rises terrified, and sinks into - an arm chair ready to faint._ - -_Countess._ He’ll murder him! - -_Count._ Come forth, I say, once more; or I’ll -drag--(_While the Count is speaking, Susan unlocks the door -and bolts out upon him._) - -_Susan._ I’ll stab him!--I’ll rack him! - - (_The Countess, at hearing Susan’s voice, - recovers sufficiently to look round--Is - astonished, endeavours to collect herself, and - turns back into her former position to conceal - her surprise._) - -_Countess._ (_After standing fixed some time, and first -looking at Susan and then at the Countess_) Here’s a -seminary!--And can you act astonishment too, Madam? -(_Observing the Countess, who cannot totally hide her -surprise._). - -_Countess._ _Attempting to speak_) I--My Lord-- - -_Count._ (_Recollecting himself._) But, perhaps, she was -not alone. (_Enters the dressing-room, Countess again -alarmed, Susan runs to the Countess._ - -_Susan._ Fear nothing--He is not there--He has jumped out -of the window. - -_Countess._ And broke his neck! (_Her terror returns._) - -_Susan._ Hush! (_Susan claps herself bolt upright against -her Lady, to hide her new disorder from the Count._) Hem! -Hem! - - - _Re-enter_ COUNT, (_greatly abashed_) - -_Count._ Nobody there!--I have been to blame--(_approaching -the Countess_.) Madam!-- - - (_With great submission as if going to beg her - pardon, but the confusion still visible in her - countenance calls up the recollection of all - that had just passed, and he bursts out into an - exclamation._) - -Upon my soul, Madam, you are a most excellent Actress! - -_Susan._ And am not I too, my Lord? - -_Count._ You see my Confusion, Madam--be generous. - -_Susan._ As you have been. - -_Count._ Hush!--(_Makes signs to Susan to take his part._) -My dear Rosina---- - -_Countess._ No, no, my Lord! I am no longer that Rosina -whom you formerly loved with such affection!--I am now -nothing but the poor Countess of Almaviva! A neglected -Wife, and not a beloved Mistress. - -_Count._ Nay, do not make my humiliation too severe--(_His -suspicions again in part revive._) But wherefore, my Lady, -have you been thus mysterious on this occasion? - -_Countess._ That I might not betray that headlong -thoughtless Figaro. - -_Count._ What! He wrote the anonymous billet then? - -_Countess._ It was without my knowledge, my Lord. - -_Count._ But you were afterwards informed of it? - -_Countess._ Certainly. - -_Count._ Who did he give it to? - -_Countess._ Basil-- - -_Count._ Who sent it me by a Peasant--Indeed, Mr. -Basil.--Yes, vile Thrummer, thou shalt pay for all! - -_Countess._ But where is the justice of refusing that -pardon to others we stand so much in need of ourselves? If -ever I could be brought to forgive, it should only be on -condition of passing a general amnesty. - -_Count._ I acknowledge my guilt. - - (_The Countess stands in the middle of the - stage, the Count a little in the back ground, - as if expressive of his timidity, but his - countenance shews he is confident of obtaining - his pardon--Susan stands forwarder than either, - and her looks are significantly applicable to - the circumstances of both parties._) - -_Susan._ To suspect a man in my Lady’s dressing-room!-- - -_Count._ And to be thus severely punished for my -suspicion!-- - -_Susan._ Not to believe my Lady when she _assured_ you it -was her Woman! - -_Count._ Ah!----(_with affected confusion_) Deign, Madam, -once more, to repeat my pardon. - -_Countess._ Have I already pronounced it, Susan? - -_Susan._ Not that I heard, Madam. - -_Count._ Let the gentle sentence then escape. - -_Countess._ And do you merit it, ungrateful man? (_with -tenderness._) - -_Count._ (_Looking at Susan, who returns his look_) -Certainly, my Lady. - -_Countess._ A fine example I set you, Susan! (_The Count -takes her hand and kisses it._) Who, hereafter, will dread -a Woman’s anger? - - (_Countess turns her head towards Susan, and - laughs as she says this._) - -_Susan._ (_In the same tone_) Yes, yes, Madam--I -observe----Men may well accuse us of frailty. - -_Count._ And yet I cannot, for the soul of me, forget the -agony, Rosina, in which you seemed to be just now! Your -cries, your tears, your----How was it possible, this being -a Fiction, you should so suddenly give it the tragic tone -of a Reality?--Ha! ha! ha!--So astonishingly natural! - -_Countess._ You see your Page, and I dare say your Lordship -was not sorry for the mistake--I’m sure the sight of Susan -does not give you offence. - -_Count._ Hem!--Offence! Oh! No, no, no--But what’s the -reason, you malicious little hussey, you did not come when -I called? - -_Susan._ What! Undress’d, my Lord? - -_Count._ But why didn’t you answer then? - -_Susan._ My Lady forbad me: and good reason she had so to -do. - -_Count._ Such distraction in your countenance! (_To the -Countess_) Nay, it’s not calm even yet! - -_Countess._ Oh you--you fancy so my Lord. - -_Count._ Men, I perceive, are poor Politicians--Women make -Children of us----Were his Majesty wise, he would name you, -and not me, for his Ambassador. - - - _Enter_ FIGARO, _chearfully; perceives the Count, who - puts on a very serious air_. - -_Fig._ They told me my Lady was indisposed, I ran to -enquire, and am very happy to find there was nothing in it. - -_Count._ You are very attentive. - -_Fig._ It is my duty so to be, my Lord. (_Turns to Susan._) -Come, come, my Charmer! Prepare for the Ceremony! Go to -your Bridemaids. - -_Count._ But who is to guard the Countess in the mean time? - -_Figaro._ (_Surprised_) Guard her, my Lord! My Lady seems -very well: she wants no guarding. - -_Count._ From the Gallant, who was to profit by my absence? -(_Susan and the Countess make signs to Figaro._) - -_Countess._ Nay, nay, Figaro, the Count knows all. - -_Susan._ Yes, yes, we have told my Lord every thing.--The -jest is ended--Its all over. - -_Figaro._ The jest is ended!--And its all over! - -_Count._ Yes--Ended, ended, ended!----And all over--What -have you to say to that? - -_Fig._ Say, my Lord! - - (_The confusion of Figaro arises from not - supposing it possible the Countess and - Susan should have betrayed him, and when he - understands something by their signs, from not - knowing how much they have told._) - -_Count._ Ay, say. - -_Fig._ I--I--I wish I could say as much of my Marriage. - -_Count._ And who wrote the pretty Letter? - -_Figaro._ Not I, my Lord. - -_Count._ If I did not know thou liest, I could read it in -thy face. - -_Figaro._ Indeed, my Lord!--Then it is my face that lies; -and not I. - -_Countess._ Pshaw, Figaro! Why should you endeavour to -conceal any thing, when I tell you we have confess’d all? - -_Susan._ (_Making signs to Figaro_) We have told my Lord -of the Letter, which made him suspect that Hannibal, the -Page, who is far enough off by this, was hid in my Lady’s -dressing-room, where I myself was lock’d in. - -_Figaro._ Well, well, since my Lord will have it so, and my -Lady will have it so, and you all will have it so, why then -so let it be. - -_Count._ Still at his Wiles.---- - -_Countess._ Why, my Lord, would you oblige him to speak -truth, so much against his inclination? (_Count and -Countess walk familiarly up the stage._) - -_Susan._ Hast thou seen the Page? - -_Fig._ Yes, yes: you have shook his young joints for him, -among you. - - - _Enter_ ANTONIO, _the Gardener, with a broken Flower-pot - under his arm half drunk_. - -_Antonio._ My Lord--My good Lord--If so be as your Lordship -will not have the goodness to have these Windows nailed up, -I shall never have a Nosegay fit to give to my Lady--They -break all my pots, and spoil my flowers; for they not only -throw other Rubbish out of the windows, as they used to do, -but they have just now tossed out a Man. - -_Count._ A Man!--(_The Count’s suspicions all revive._) - -_Antonio._ In white stockings! - - (_Countess and Susan discover their fears, - and make signs to Figaro to assist them if - possible._) - -_Count._ Where is the Man? (_Eagerly._) - -_Antonio._ That’s what I want to know, my Lord!--I wish -I could find him,--I am your Lordship’s Gardener; and, -tho’ I say it, a better Gardener is not to be found in all -Spain;--but if Chambermaids are permitted to toss men out -of the window to save their own Reputation, what is to -become of mine?--{{“It will wither with my flowers to be -sure.”}} - -_Figaro._ Oh fie! What sotting so soon in a morning? - -_Antonio._ Why, can one begin one’s day’s work too early? - -_Count._ Your day’s work, Sir? - -_Antonio._ Your Lordship knows my Niece, there she stands, -is to be married to day; and I am sure she would never -forgive me if---- - -_Count._ If you were not to get drunk an hour sooner than -usual--But on with your story, Sir--What of the Man?--What -followed? - -_Antonio._ I followed him myself, my Lord, as fast as I -could; but, somehow, I unluckily happened to make a false -step, and came with such a confounded whirl against the -Garden-gate--that I--I quite for--forgot my Errand. - -_Count._ And should you know this man again? - -_Antonio._ To be sure I should, my Lord!--If I had seen -him, that is. - -_Count._ Either speak more clearly, Rascal, or I’ll send -you packing to---- - -_Antonio._ Send me packing, my Lord?--Oh, no! If your -Lordship has not enough--enough (_Points to his forehead_) -to know when you have a good Gardener, I warrant I know -when I have a good Place. - -_Figaro._ There is no occasion, my Lord, for all this -mystery! It was I who jump’d out of the window into the -garden. - -_Count._ You? - -_Figaro._ My own self, my Lord. - -_Count._ Jump out of a one pair of stairs window and run -the risk of breaking your Neck? - -_Figaro._ The ground was soft, my Lord. - -_Antonio._ And his Neck is in no danger of being broken. - -_Figaro._ To be sure I hurt my right leg, a little, in the -fall; just here at the ancle--I feel it still. (_Rubbing -his ancle._) - -_Count._ But what reason had you to jump out of the window? - -_Figaro._ You had received my letter, my Lord, since I must -own it, and was come, somewhat sooner than I expected, in -a dreadful passion, in search of a man.-- - -_Antonio._ If it was you, you have grown plaguy fast within -this half hour, to my thinking. The man that I saw did not -seem so tall by the head and shoulders. - -_Figaro._ Pshaw! Does not one double one’s self up when one -takes a leap? - -_Antonio._ It seem’d a great deal more like the Page. - -_Count._ The Page! - -_Figaro._ Oh yes, to be sure, the Page has gallop’d back -from Seville, Horse and all, to leap out of the window! - -_Antonio._ No, no, my Lord! I saw no such thing! I’ll take -my oath I saw no horse leap out of the window. - -_Figaro._ Come, come, let us prepare for our sports. - -_Antonio._ Well, since it was you, as I am an honest man, -I ought to return you this Paper which drop’d out of your -pocket as you fell. - -_Count._ (_Snatches the paper. The Countess, Figaro, and -Susan are all surprised and embarrassed. Figaro shakes -himself, and endeavours to recover his fortitude._) Ay, -since it was you, you doubtless can tell what this Paper -contains (_claps the paper behind his back as he faces -Figaro_) and how it happened to come in your Pocket? - -_Figaro._ Oh, my Lord, I have such quantities of Papers -(_searches his pockets, pulls out a great many_) No, it -is not this!--Hem!--This is a double Love-letter from -Marcelina, in seven pages--Hem!--Hem!--It would do a man’s -heart good to read it--Hem!--And this is a petition from -the poor Poacher in prison. I never presented it to your -Lordship, because I know you have affairs much more serious -on your hands, than the Complaints of such half-starved -Rascals--Ah!--Hem!--this--this--no, this is an Inventory -of your Lordship’s Sword-knots, Ruffs, Ruffles, and -Roses--must take care of this--(_Endeavours to gain time, -and keeps glancing and hemming to Susan and the Countess, -to look at the paper and give him a hint._) - -_Count._ It is neither this, nor this, nor that, nor -t’other, that you have in your hand, but what I hold here -in mine, that I want to know the contents of. (_Holds out -the paper in action as he speaks, the Countess who stands -next him catches a sight of it._) - -_Countess._ ’Tis the Commission. (_Aside to Susan._) - -_Susan._ The Page’s Commission. (_Aside to Figaro._) - -_Count._ Well, Sir!--So you know nothing of the matter? - -_Antonio._ (_Reels round to Figaro_) My Lord says you--know -nothing of the matter. - -_Figaro._ Keep off, and don’t come to whisper me. -(_pretending to recollect himself._) Oh Lord! Lord! What a -stupid fool I am!--I declare it is the Commission of that -poor youth, Hannibal--which I, like a Blockhead, forgot to -return him--He will be quite unhappy about it, poor Boy. - -_Count._ And how came you by it? - -_Figaro._ By it, my Lord? - -_Count._ Why did he give it you? - -_Figaro._ To--to--to---- - -_Count._ To what? - -_Figaro._ To get-- - -_Count._ To get what? It wants nothing! - -_Countess._ (_to Susan_) It wants the Seal. - -_Susan._ (_to Figaro_) It wants the Seal. - -_Figaro._ Oh, my Lord, what it wants to be sure is a mere -trifle. - -_Count._ What trifle? - -_Figaro._ You know, my Lord, it’s customary to-- - -_Count._ To what? - -_Figaro._ To affix your Lordship’s Seal. - -_Count._ (_Looks at the Commission, finds the Seal is -wanting, and exclaims with vexation and disappointment_) -The Devil and his Imps!--It is written, Count, thou shalt -be a Dupe!--Where is this Marcelina? - - [_Going._ - -_Figaro._ Are you going, my Lord, without giving Orders for -our Wedding? - - - _Enter_ MARCELINA, BASIL, BOUNCE, _and Vassals_. - - (_The Count returns._) - -_Marcelina._ Forbear, my Lord, to give such Orders; in -Justice forbear. I have a written promise under his hand, -and I appeal to you, to redress my injuries! You are my -lawful Judge. - -_Figaro._ Pshaw! A trifle, my Lord: a note of hand for -money borrowed; nothing more. - -_Count._ Let the Advocates and Officers of Justice be -assembled in the great Hall; we will there determine on -the justice of your claim. It becomes us not to suffer any -Vassal of ours, however we may privately esteem him, to be -guilty of public injury. - -_Basil._ Your Lordship is acquainted with my claims on -Marcelina: I hope your Lordship will grant me your support. - -_Count._ Oh, oh! Are you there, Prince of Knaves? - -_Antonio._ Yes, that’s his title, sure enough. - -_Count._ Approach, honest Basil; faithful Agent of our -Will and Pleasure. (_Basil bows_) Go order the Lawyers to -assemble. - -_Basil._ My Lord!-- - -_Count._ And tell the Peasant, by whom you sent me the -Letter this morning, I want to speak with him. - -_Basil._ Your Lordship is pleased to joke with your humble -Servant. I know no such Peasant. - -_Count._ You will be pleased to find him, notwithstanding. - -_Basil._ My Office, in this House, as your Lordship knows, -is not to go of Errands! Think, my Lord, how that would -degrade a man of my talents; who have the honour to teach -my Lady the Harpsichord, the Mandoline to her Woman, and to -entertain your Lordship, and your Lordship’s good Company, -with my Voice and my Guitar, whenever your Lordship pleases -to honor me with your Commands. - -_Bounce._ I will go, if your Lordship pleases to let me: -I should be very glad to oblige your Lordship. - -_Count._ What’s thy Name? - -_Bounce._ Pedro Bounce, my Lord, Fire-work maker to your -Lordship. - -_Count._ Thy zeal pleases me, thou shalt go. - -_Bounce._ Thank your Lordship, thank your noble Lordship. -(_Leaps._) - -_Count._ (_To Basil_) And do you be pleased, Sir, to -entertain the Gentleman, on his Journey, with your Voice -and your Guitar; he is part of my good Company. - -_Bounce._ (_Leaps_) I am part of my Lord’s good Company! -Who would have thought it! - -_Basil._ My Lord---- - -_Count._ Depart! Obey! Or, depart from my Service. - - (_Exit._) - -_Basil._ ’Tis in vain to resist. Shall I wage war with a -Lion, who am only---- - -_Figaro._ A Calf--{{“But come, you seem vex’d about -it--I will open the Ball--Strike up, tis my Susan’s -Wedding-day.”}} - -_Basil._ Come along, Mr. Bounce. (_Basil begins to play, -Figaro dances and sings off before him, and Bounce follows, -dancing after._) - - (_Exeunt._) - - - _Manent_ COUNTESS _and_ SUSAN. - -_Countess._ You see, Susan, to what Danger I have been -exposed by Figaro and his fine concerted Billet. - -{{_Susan._ “Dear Madam, if you had but seen yourself when -I bounced out upon my Lord! So pale, such Terror in your -Countenance! And then your suddenly assumed tranquillity! - -_Countess._ “Oh no, every Faculty was lost in my Fears. - -_Susan._ “I assure your Ladyship to the contrary; in a few -Lessons you would learn to dissemble and fib with as good -a Grace as any Lady in the Land.”}} - -_Countess._ And so that poor Child jumped out of the Window? - -_Susan._ Without the least hesitation--as light and as -chearful as a Linnet. - -_Countess._ I wish however I could convict my false Count -of his Infidelity. - -_Susan._ The Page will never dare, after this, to make a -second attempt. - -_Countess._ Ha!--A lucky project! I will meet him myself; -and then nobody will be exposed. - -_Susan._ But suppose, Madam-- - -_Countess._ My Success has emboldened me, and I am -determined to try--(_Sees the Riband left on the chair_) -What’s here? My Riband! I will keep it as a Memento of the -danger to which that poor Youth--{{“Ah my Lord--Yet let -me have a care, let me look to myself, to my own Conduct, -lest I should give occasion to say--Ah my Lady!”}} (_The -Countess puts the Riband in her Pocket._) You must not -mention a Word of this, Susan, to any body. - -_Susan._ Except Figaro. - -_Countess._ No exceptions, he must not be told; he will -spoil it, by mixing some plot of his own with it--I have -promised thee a Portion thou knowest--these men are liberal -in their Pleasures--Perhaps I may double it for thee; it -will be Susan’s Right. - -_Susan._ Your Project is a charming one, Madam, and I shall -yet have my Figaro. - - [_Exit Susan, kissing the Countess’s Hand._ - - -End of ACT II. - - - - -ACT III. - - -SCENE, the Great Hall. - - (_A Judge’s Chair, four other Chairs, Benches with red - Baize, a Table and at Stool, with Pen, Ink and Paper._) - - _Enter the_ COUNT, _dressed, and a_ SERVANT, _booted._ - -_Count._ Ride to Seville with all speed; enquire if the -Page has joined his Regiment, and at what o’clock precisely -he arrived; give him this Commission, and return like -lightening. - -_Servant._ And if he is not there-- - -_Count._ Return still quicker.--Go; fly!----(_Exit -Servant_)--I was wrong to send Basil out of the way--He -might have been very serviceable--But Anger was never -wise--I scarcely know at present what I wish--When once -the Passions have obtained the Mastery, there is no Mind, -however consistent, but becomes as wild and incongruous -as a Dream--If the Countess, Susan, and Figaro should -understand each other and plot to betray me!--If the Page -_was_ shut up in her dressing-room--Oh! no!--The Respect -she bears herself--my Honor!--My Honor? And in my Wife’s -keeping?--Honor in a Woman’s possession, like Ice Cream in -the mouth, melts away in a contest of Pleasure and Pain--I -will sound Figaro, however. - - - _Enter_ FIGARO, _behind_. - -_Figaro._ Here am I. (_Aside._) - -_Count._ And if I have reason to suppose them plotting -against me, he shall marry Marcelina. - -_Figaro._ Perhaps not. (_Aside._) - -_Count._ But in that case, what must Susan be? - -_Figaro._ My Wife, if you please.-- - - (_Figaro’s eagerness occasions him to speak - aloud----The Count turns round astonished._) - -_Count._ My Wife, if you please!--To whom did you say my -Wife, if you please? - -_Figaro._ To--to--to--That is--They were the last words of -a sentence I was saying to one of the Servants--Go and tell -so and so to--_my Wife, if you please_. - -_Count._ Your Wife!--Zounds, you are very fond of your Wife. - -_Figaro._ I love to be singular. - -_Count._ You have made me wait for you here a long while. - -_Figaro._ I have been changing my Stockings, which I -dirtied in the fall. - -_Count._ Servants, I think, are longer dressing than their -Masters. - -_Figaro._ Well they may--They are obliged to dress -themselves. - -_Count._ If in sifting my Gentleman, I find him unwilling -to go to France, I may conclude Susan has betrayed me. -(_Aside._) - -_Figaro._ He has mischief in his head, but I’ll watch his -motions. (_Aside._) - -_Count._ (_Approaches Figaro with familiarity_)--Thou -knowest, Figaro, it was my intention to have taken thee -with me on my Embassy to Paris, but I believe thou dost not -understand French. - -_Figaro._ Perfectly. - -_Count._ Indeed!--Let’s hear.--(_Figaro pulls out his purse -and jingles it_)--Is that all the French thou understandest? - -_Figaro._ All!--Is not that enough, think you, my -Lord?--That’s a Language understood in every corner of -the habitable Earth, and in no place better than in -Paris.--{{“Your Philosophers, who lament the loss of an -universal Language, are Fools--They always carry one -in their pockets.”}} As for a knowledge of French, my -Lord, I maintain, _s’il vous plait_, and a Purse are all -that’s necessary--Let but the sound of Silver jingle in a -Frenchman’s ears, and he will instantly understand your -meaning, be it what it will.--{{“If you have a Law-suit, -and wish to gain your Cause, go to the Judge, pull off -your Hat, and pull out your Purse; smile, shake it, and -pronounce, _s’il vous plait, Monsieur_-- - -_Count._ “And your Adversary is overthrown. - -_Figaro._ “Undoubtedly--Unless he understands French -still better than you--Do you wish the _Friendship_ of a -great Lord, or a great Lady, its still the same--Chink, -chink, and _s’il vous plait, Monseigneur--S’il vous plait, -Madame_--The French are a very witty People!--Amazingly -quick of apprehension!--Therefore, my Lord, if you have no -other reason than this for leaving me behind--”}} - -_Count._ But thou art no Politician. - -_Figaro._ Pardon me, my Lord, I am as great a master of -Politics---- - -_Count._ As thou art of French. - -_Figaro._ Oh, my Lord, the thing is so easy--He must be -a Fool indeed who could find his vanity flattered by his -skill in Politics--To appear always deeply concerned -for the good of the State, yet to have no other end but -Self-interest; to assemble and say Nothing; to pretend -vast Secrecy where there is nothing to conceal; to shut -yourself up in your Chamber, and mend your pen or pick -your Teeth, while your Footmen inform the attending Croud -you are too busy to be approach’d--this, with the art of -intercepting Letters, imitating Hands, pensioning Traitors, -and rewarding Flatterers, is the whole mystery of Politics, -or I am an Idiot. - -_Count._ This is the definition of a Partisan not a -Politician. - -_Figaro._ Party and Politics are much the same, they are -become synonimous terms. - -_Count._ (_Aside_) Since he is so willing to go to Paris, -Susan has said nothing. - -_Figaro._ ’Tis now my turn to attack. (_Aside._) - -_Count._ And--I suppose thou wilt take thy Wife with -thee--to Paris? - -_Figaro._ No--no--I should be obliged to quit her so -frequently, that I am afraid the Cares of the marriage -state would lie too heavy on my head (_significantly._) - -_Count._ Susan has betrayed me. (_Aside._) - -_Figaro._ (_Aside_) He does not like the retort. - - (_The Count smiles, approaches Figaro with - great familiarity, and leans upon his - shoulder--By-play between the Count and - Figaro._) - -_Count._ The time was, Figaro, when thou wert more -open--Formerly thou wouldst tell me any thing. - -_Figaro._ And at present I conceal nothing. - -_Count._ What can be the Countess’s motives--(_The Count -puts his arm round Figaro’s neck--By-play again_)--I--Thou -seest I anticipate her wishes, load her with presents---- - -_Figaro._ Will give her any thing but yourself--Of what -worth are Trinkets when we are in want of Necessaries? - -_Count._ Come, come; be sincere--Tell me--How much did the -Countess give thee for this last plot? - -_Figaro._ As much as your Lordship gave me for helping you -to steal her from her old jealous Guardian--{{“A noble Lord -should not endeavour to degrade an honest Servant, lest he -should make him a Knave.”}} - -_Count._ But wherefore is there continually some Mystery in -thy conduct? - -_Figaro._ Because the Conduct of others is mysterious. - -_Count._ Appearances, my dear Figaro, really speak thee a -great Knave. - -_Figaro._ (_Looking round at the Count’s hand upon his -shoulders, and observing his familiarity_)--_Appearances_, -my dear Lord, are frequently false--I am much better -than I appear to be-Can the Great in general say as -much?--(_Aside_)--Take that. - -_Count._ Yes, yes; she has told him. (_Aside._) - -{{_Figaro._ “I shall content myself, my Lord, with the -portion your Lordship has promised me on my Marriage, and -the place of Steward of this Castle, with which you have -honoured me, and willingly remain with my Wife here in -Andalusia, far from troubles and intrigue. - -_Count._ “But thou hast Abilities, and might rise to -Preferment. - -_Figaro._ “Preferred by my Abilities my Lord!----Your -Lordship is pleased to laugh at me.”}} - -_Count._ Yes, yes; Susan has betrayed me, and my Gentleman -marries Marcelina. (_Aside._) - -_Figaro._ He has been angling for Gudgeons, and what has he -caught? (_Aside._) - - - _Enter a_ SERVANT. - -_Servant._ Don Guzman and the Counsellors are without. - -_Count._ Let them wait. - -_Figaro._ (_Ironically_) Aye, let them wait. (_Exit Serv._) - -_Count._ And dost thou expect to gain thy Cause? - -_Figaro._ With the assistance of Justice and my Lord’s good -wishes, who respects Youth too much himself to force others -to wed with Age. - -_Count._ A Judge knows no distinction of persons. - -_Figaro._ “Well--Time, say the Italians, is a valiant -Fellow, and tells Truth”--But what was it your Lordship was -pleased to send for me for? - -_Count._ For--(_Somewhat embarrassed_) To see these benches -and chairs set in order. - -_Figaro._ That is already done, my Lord. Here is the great -chair for your Lordship, a seat for the President, a table -and stool for his Clerk, two benches for the Lawyers, the -middle for the Beau monde, and the Mob in the back ground. -(_Exit._) - -_Count._ He is too cunning; I can get nothing out of him; -but they certainly understand each other.--They may toy and -be as loving as they please, but as for wedding-- - - - _Enter_ SUSAN. - - (_She comes up to the Count’s elbow while he is speaking, - and is surprized to see him in such an ill humour._) - -_Susan._ My Lord! - -_Count._ My Lady! - -_Susan._ My Lady has sent me for your Lordship’s -smelling-bottle; she has got the vapours. - -_Count._ Here; and when she has done with it, borrow it for -yourself,--it may be useful. - -_Susan._ I the vapours, my Lord! Oh no, that’s too polite -a disease for a Servant to pretend to! - -_Count._ Fits may come;--Love so violent as yours cannot -bear disappointment; and when Figaro marries Marcelina-- - -_Susan._ Oh, suppose the worst, my Lord, we can pay -Marcelina with the Portion your Lordship has promised us! - -_Count._ I promis’d you a portion? - -_Susan._ If my ears did not deceive me, I understood as -much. - -_Count._ Yes, if you had pleas’d to _understand_ me, but -since you do not.-- - -_Susan._ (_Pretending bashfulness_) It’s always soon enough -to own one’s weakness, my Lord. - -_Count._ (_with an instant change of countenance_) What! -Wilt thou take a walk this evening in the garden, by the -Pavilion? - -_Susan._ Don’t I take Walks every evening, my Lord? - -_Count._ Nay, nay, but let us understand each other--No -Pavilion, no Marriage. - -_Susan._ And no Marriage, no Pavilion, my Lord! -(_curtsying_) - -_Count._ What a witty little Devil! I wonder what she does -to fascinate me so!--But prithee tell me why hast thou -always, till now, refused with such obstinacy? This very -Morning, thou knowest---- - -_Susan._ This Morning, my Lord!--What, and the Page behind -the Great-chair! - -_Count._ Oh, true! I had forgot!--But when Basil has spoken -to thee in my behalf.-- - -_Susan._ Is it necessary, my Lord, such a knave as Basil -should know every thing that passes? - -_Count._ She is right again!--But--(_Suspicious_) thou wilt -go, now, and tell Figaro all. - -_Susan._ To be sure, my Lord. I always tell him all--except -what is necessary to conceal. - -_Count._ Ah the Hussey! What a charming little Knave it is! -Run, run to thy Mistress; she is waiting, and may suspect -us. - -_Susan._ (_Hesitating_) So your Lordship can’t perceive -that I only wanted a pretext to speak to your Lordship. - - (_The Count unable to conceal his transport, is - going to kiss her, but hears somebody coming, - and they separate_) - -_Count._ (_As he turns._) She absolutely bewitches me! I -had sworn to think no more of her, but she winds me just as -she pleases! - - (_The Count goes off, and Figaro enters, but - the Count hearing Figaro’s Voice, returns and - peeps_) - -_Figaro._ Well, my Susan, what does he say? - -_Susan._ Hush! Hush! He is just gone--Thou hast gained thy -Cause--Run, run, run. - - (_Exit Susan, running, Figaro following._) - -_Figaro._ Well, but how, how, my Charmer? - - (_Exeunt._) - - - _Re-enter_ COUNT. - -_Count._ Thou hast gained thy Cause--Aha! And -is it so, my pair of Knaves!--Am I your Dupe -then?--A very pretty Net! But the Cuckoo is not -caught--Come!--Proceed we to judgment! (_With passion_) Be -we just!--Cool!--Impartial!--Inflexible-- - - (_Exit._) - - - _Enter_ Don GUZMAN, MARCELINA, _and_ DOCTOR. - -_Marcelina._ I shall be happy, Mr. President, to explain -the justice of my Cause. - -_Doctor._ To shew you on what grounds this Lady proceeds. - -_D. Guzman._ (_Stuttering_) We-e-e-ell, le-et us exa-a-mine -the matter ve-erbally. - -_Marcelina._ There is a promise of Marriage---- - -_Guzman._ I co-o-o-ompre--hend! Gi-i-iven by you-ou-ou--to-- - -_Marcelina._ No, Mr. President, given _to_ me. - -_Guz._ I co-o-o-omprehend! Gi-iven _to_ you. - -_Marcelina._ And a sum of Money which I---- - -_Guzman._ I co-o-o-omprehend! Which you-ou ha-ave received. - -_Marcelina._ No, Mr. President, which I have lent. - -_Guzman._ I co-o-o-omprehend!--It is re-e-paid. - -_Marcelina._ No, Mr. President, it is _not_ repaid. - -_Guzman._ I co-o-o-omprehend--The m-m-man would marry you -to pay his de-de-de-bts. - -_Marcelina._ No, Mr. President, he would neither marry me, -_nor_ pay his debts. - -_Guzman._ D-d--do you think I d-d-d-don’t co-o-omprehend -you? - -_Doctor._ And are you, Mr. President, to judge this Cause? - -_Guzman._ T-t-t-to be sure--Wha-at else did I purchase my -Place for thi-ink you, (_Laughs stupidly at the supposed -folly of the Question_) And where is the De-fe-e-endant? - - - _Enter_ FIGARO. - -_Figaro._ Here, at your service. - -_Doctor._ Yes, that’s the Knave. - -_Figaro._ Perhaps I interrupt you. - -{{_Guzman._ “Ha-ave not I see-een you before, young Man? - -_Figaro._ “Oh yes, Mr. President, I once served your Lady. - -_Guzman._ “How lo-ong since? - -_Figaro._ “Nine months before the birth of her last -Child--And a fine Boy it is, though I say it. - -_Guzman._ “Y-es--He’s the F-flower of the Flock”--}} And -the cau-ause betwee-een-- - -_Figaro._ A Bagatelle, Mr. President! A Bagatelle. - -_Guzman._ (_Laughs._) A Ba-ag-a-telle! A pro-o-mise of -Ma-a-arriage a Ba-a-gatelle! Ha! ha! ha!----And dost thou -hope to ca-ast the Pla-aintiff? - -_Figaro._ To be sure, Mr. President! You being one of the -Judges. - -_Guzman._ (_With stupid dignity_) Ye-e-es! I am one of the -Judges!--Hast thou see-een D-D-Doublefee, my Se-ecretary? - -_Figaro._ Yes, Mr. President! That’s a duty not to be -neglected. - -_Guzman._ The young Fellow is not so si-i-imple I thought. - - - _Enter Cryer of the Court, Guards, Count, Counsellors and - Vassals._ - -_Cryer._ Make room there, for my Lord, the Count. - -_Count._ Wherefore in your Robes, Don Guzman? It was -unnecessary for a mere domestic matter like this. - -_Guzman._ Pa-a-ardon me, my Lord! {{“Those who would -tre-e-emble at the Clerk of the Court in his Robes, would -la-augh at the Judge without ’em.”}} Forms! Forms! are -sacred things. - - (_The Count and the Court seat themselves._) - -_Count._ Call silence in the Court. - -_Cryer._ Silence in the Court. - -_Guzman._ Read “over the Causes”, D-D-Doublefee. - -{{_Doublefee._ “The Count de los Altos Montes di Agnas -Frescas, Señor di Montes Fieros, y otros Montes, Plaintiff, -against Alonzo Calderon, a Comic Poet. The question at -present before the Court, is, to know the Author of a -Comedy that has been damned; which they mutually disavow -and attribute to each other. - -_Count._ “They are both very right in mutually disavowing -it; and be it decreed, that if, hereafter, they should -produce a successful Piece, its Fame shall appertain to the -Count, and its Merit to the Poet--The next. - -_Doublefee._ “Diego Macho, Day-labourer, Plaintiff, against -Gil-Perez-Borcado, Tax-gatherer, and receiver of the -Gabels, for having violently dispossessed the said Diego -Macho, Day-labourer, of his Cow. - -_Count._ “This Cause does not come within my Jurisdiction; -but as it is probable the Day-labourer will never obtain -Justice; do thou see, Figaro, that another Cow be sent him; -lest his Family should be starved--The next.”}} - -_Doublefee._ Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, -Spinster, Plaintiff, against--(_To Figaro_) Here’s no -surname! - -_Figaro._ Anonymous. - -_Guzman._ Ano-o-onymous--I never heard the Name before! - -_Doublefee._ Against Figaro Anonymous. What Profession? - -_Figaro._ Gentleman. - -_Count._ Gentleman! - -_Figaro._ I might have been born a Prince, if Heaven had -pleased. - -_Doublefee._ Against Figaro Anonymous, Gentleman, -Defendant. The Question before the Court relates to a -promise of Marriage; the Parties have retained no Council, -contrary to the ancient and established practice of Courts. - -_Figaro._ What occasion for Council? A race of Gentlemen -who are always so very learned, they know every thing, -except their Briefs! Who insolently interrogate Modesty -and Timidity, and endeavour, by confusing, to make Honesty -forswear itself; and, after having laboured for hours, with -all legal prolixity, to perplex self-evident Propositions, -and bewilder the understandings of the Judges, sit down -as proud as if they had just pronounced a Phillipic of -Demosthenes--(_Addressing himself to the Court_) My Lord, -and Gentlemen--The Question before the Court is---- - -_Doublefee._ (_Interrupting him_) It is not you to speak, -you are the Defendant----Who pleads for the Plaintiff? - -_Doctor._ I. - -_Doublefee._ You! A Physician turn Lawyer?-- - -_Figaro._ Oh yes, and equally skilful in both. - -_Count._ Read the Promise of Marriage, Doctor. - -_Guzman._ Re-e-ead the Pro-o-omise of Marriage. - -_Doctor._ (_Reads_) I acknowledge to have received -of Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, the sum -of two thousand Piasters, in the Castle of Count -Almaviva, which sum I promise to repay to the said -Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, _and_ to marry -her. Signed, Figaro. (_Addressing himself to the Count_) My -Lord, and Gentlemen! Hem! Never did cause more interesting, -more intricate, or in which the Interest of Mankind, -their Rights, Properties, Lives and Liberties were more -materially involved, ever claim the profound Attention of -this most learned, most honourable Court, and from the -time of Alexander the Great, who promised to espouse the -beauteous Thalestris---- - -_Count._ Stop, most formidable Orator; and ere you proceed, -enquire whether the Defendant does not contest the validity -of your Deed. - -_Guzman._ (_To Figaro_) Do you co-ontest the -va-va-va-va-lidity of the Dee-eed? - -_Figaro._ My Lord and Gentlemen! Hem! There is -in this Case, either Fraud, Error, Malice, or -mischievous Intention, for the Words of the -Acknowledgment are, I promise to repay the said -Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, the said sum of -two thousand Piasters _or_ to marry her, which is very -different. - -_Doctor._ I affirm it is AND. - -_Figaro._ I affirm it is OR. - -_Doctor._ Well, suppose it. - -_Figaro._ No Supposition, I will have it granted. - -_Count._ Clerk, Read you the Promise. - -_Guzman._ Re-e-ead the P-P-P-Promise, D-D-D-Double-fee. - -_Doublefee._ (_Reads_) I acknowledge to have -received of Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, -the sum of two thousand Piasters, in the Castle -of Count Almaviva, which sum I promise to repay -the said Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, -_and--or--and--or--or_--The Word is blotted. - -_Doctor._ No matter; the Sense of the Phrase is equally -clear. This learned Court is not now to be informed the -word or particle, Or, hath various significations--It means -_otherwise_ and _either_--It likewise means _before_--For -example, in the language of the Poet. - - _Or_ ’ere the Sun decline the western Sky, - ’Tis Fate’s decree the Victims all must die. - -_Figaro._ This was the language of Prophesy, and spoken of -the Doctor’s own Patients. - -{{_Count._ “Silence in the Court. - -_Crier._ “Silence in the Court. - -_Doctor._ “Hence then, I clearly deduce (granting the -word to be _Or_) the Defendant doth hereby promise, not -only to pay the Plaintiff, but marry her _before_ he pays -her--Again, the word _Or_ doth sometimes signify -_Wherefore_, as another great and learned Poet hath it, - - “_Or_ how could heav’nly Justice damn us all, - Who ne’er consented to our Father’s Fall? - -“That is _wherefore_? For what reason could heavenly -Justice do such an unjust thing? Let us then substitute -the adverb _Wherefore_, and the intent and meaning of -the Promise will be incontestable; for, after reciting -an acknowledgement of the debt, it concludes with the -remarkable words, _Or_ to marry her, that is, wherefore, -for which reason, out of gratitude, for the Favour above -done me, _I will marry her_. - -_Figaro._ “Oh most celebrated Doctor? Most poetic Quibbler! - - “Hark with what florid Impotence he speaks, - And as his Malice prompts, the Puppet squeaks, - _Or_ at the ear of Eve, familiar Toad, - Half froth, half venom, spits himself abroad - In legal Puns, _or_ Quibbles, Quirks, _or_ Lies, - _Or_ Spite, _or_ Taunts, _or_ Rhymes, _or_ Blasphemies. - -“What think you we know not Quotations, and Poets, and -_Ands_, and _Ors_, and _Whys_, and _Wherefores_. - - “What Drop _or_ Nostrum, can such Plagues remove, - _Or_ which must end me, a Fool’s Wrath--_Or_ Love? - - (_Pointing first to the Doctor, and then to - Marcelina_) - -“We have neither forgot our Reading nor our Syntax, but can -easily translate a dull Knave into a palpable Fool--”}} My -Lord, and Gentlemen, You hear his Sophisms, Poetical, and -Conundrums, Grammatical. - -_Count._ Yes, yes, we hear. - -(_Count and the Counsellors rise and consult together._) - -_Antonio._ I’m glad they have put an end to your prating. - -_Marcelina._ Their Whisperings and wise Grimaces forebode -me no good. That Susan has corrupted the chief Judge, and -he is corrupting all the others. - -_Doctor._ It looks devilish like it. - - (_The Count and Counsellors resume their - seats._) - -_Doublefee._ Silence in the Court. - -_Crier._ Silence in the Court. - -_Count._ The judgment of the Court is, that since -the validity of the promise of Marriage is not well -established, Figaro is permitted to dispose of his Person. - -_Figaro._ The Day’s my own. - -_Marcelina._ I thought how it would be. - -_Count._ But as the Acknowledgement clearly expresses -the words, _Which sum I promise to pay the said -Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, or to marry her_, -the said Figaro stands condemned to pay the two thousand -Piasters to the Plaintiff, or marry her in the course of -the Day. - -_Figaro._ I’m undone! - -_Marcelina._ I am happy! - -_Count._ And I am revenged! - -_Antonio._ Thank your noble Lordship! Most humbly thank -your noble Lordship!--Ah ha! I’m glad thou art not to marry -my Niece! I’ll go and tell her the good news! - - (_Exit._) - -_Crier._ Clear the Court. - - (_Exeunt Guards, Counsellors, and Vassals._ - - - _Manent Don Guzman, Figaro, Marcelina and Dr. Bartholo._ - -_Figaro._ ’Tis this Furze-ball, this Fungus of a President -that has lost me my Cause. - -_Guzman._ I a F-F-Furze-ball and a F-F-Fungus! - -_Figaro._ (_Sits down dejected_) I will never marry her. - -_Guzman._ Thou mu-ust ma-arry her. - -_Figaro._ What! Without the Consent of my noble Parents? - -_Count._ (_Returning_) Where are they? Who are they?--He -will still complain of injustice--Name them. - -_Figaro._ Allow me time, my Lord--I must first know where -to find them, and yet it ought not to be long, for I have -been seeking them these five Years. - -_Doctor._ What! A Foundling? - -_Figaro._ No Foundling, but stolen from my Parents. - -_Count._ Poh! This is too palpable. - - (_Exit Count_) - -_Figaro._ Had I no other Proof of my Birth than the -precious Stones, Ring, and Jewels found upon me, these -would be sufficient--but I bear the Mark---- - - (_He is going to shew his Arm._) - -_Marcelina._ Of a Lobster on your left Arm. - -_Figaro._ How do you know that? - -_Marcelina._ ’Tis he himself! - -{{_Figaro._ “Yes, it’s me myself.”}} - -_Marcelina._ ’Tis Fernando! - -_Doctor._ Thou wert stolen away by Gypsies. - -_Figaro._ By Gypsies!--Oh Doctor, if thou can’st but -restore me to my illustrious Parents, {{“Mountains of Gold -will not sufficiently speak their gratitude.”}} - -_Doctor._ Behold thy Mother. - - (_Pointing to Marcelina._) - -_Figaro._ Nurse, you mean! - -_Doctor._ Thy own Mother! - -_Figaro._ Explain! - -_Marcelina._ And there behold thy Father. - - (_Pointing to the Doctor._) - -_Figaro._ He, my Father! Oh Lord! Oh Lord! Oh Lord! -(_Stamps about._) - -_Guzman._ (_With great wisdom_) It will be no -m-m-match--that’s evi-dent. - -_Marcelina._ Hast thou not felt Nature pleading within -thee, at sight of me? - -_Figaro._ Never. - -_Marcelina_. This was the secret cause of all my Fondness -for thee. - -_Figaro._ No doubt--And of my aversion--Instinct is very -powerful. - -_Marcelina._ Come to my arms, my dear, my long lost Child. - - (_Figaro and Marcelina embrace, the Doctor - leans against the Benches._) - - - _Enter_ ANTONIO _and_ SUSAN. - - (_The latter runs to find the Count_) - -_Susan._ (_In great Agitation_) Oh, where is my Lord? Here -is the Money to pay Marcelina with! The Portion which my -noble and generous Lady has given me! - -_Antonio._ (_pulling Susan, and pointing to Figaro, who -kisses Marcelina._) Here! here! Look this way! - - (_Susan, at seeing them embrace becomes - furious, and is going away, Figaro runs and - brings her back._) - -_Figaro._ Stop, stop, my Susan. - -_Susan._ I have seen enough--Since you are so fond of her, -pray marry her. - -_Figaro._ Thou art mistaken. - -_Susan._ No, I am not mistaken. - - (_Gives him a slap in the face._) - -{{_Figaro._ (_Rubbing his Cheek_) “This is Love--Pshaw! -Prithee come hither, look at that Lady--How dost thou like -her? - -_Susan._ “Not at all. - -_Figaro._ “Well said Jealousy, she does not mince the -Matter.”}} - -_Marcelina._ Dear Susan, this, this is my Son! - -{{_Figaro._ “Yes, they wanted me to marry my Mother.” - -_Antonio._ “Your Mother!----It is not long since---- - -_Figaro._ “I have known it--True.”}} - -_Marcelina._ Yes, my dearest Susan, embrace thy Mother--Thy -Mother, who will love thee dearly. - -_Susan._ And do you consent I shall have my Figaro? - -_Marcelina._ Willingly. (_Susan runs and kisses her_) Here, -my Son, here is the Promise. - - (_Gives him the Paper._) - -_Susan._ And here is the Portion. - - (_Gives him a Purse of Money._) - -{{_Figaro._ “My manly Pride would fain make me restrain my -tears, but they flew in spite of me--Well, let ’em! Let ’em -flow! Joys like these never come twice in one’s Life! Oh, -my Mother, Oh, my Susan!”}} - - (_They all three embrace, weeping._) - -_Guzman._ (_weeping._) What a Foo-oo-ool am I! L-L-Look, if -I don’t k-k-k-cry as well as the best of ’em. - -_Figaro._ (_to the Doctor_) My Father. - -_Doctor._ Keep off! I disclaim thee! - -_Antonio._ Why then, if you are his Father, you are a -Turkish Jew, and no Christian Father. - -_Doctor._ A Knave that tricked me of my Ward, cheated me of -my Money, and now has been turning my Wisdom into ridicule. - -_Susan._ And are not you, being a wise Man, proud to have -a Son wiser than yourself? - -_Doctor._ No--I would have no one wiser than myself. - -_Antonio._ Come, come, look you, I am {{“a good Catholic, -and”}} an old Castilian, therefore, unless your Father and -Mother become lawful Man and Wife, I will never consent to -give you my Niece. No, no, she sha’n’t marry a man who is -the child of Nobody, neither. - -_Guzman._ Here’s an old Fool!--The Child of Nobody, Ha! -ha! ha! (_Laughs stupidly, and then assumes great Wisdom_) -Hav’n’t you lived long enough to know that every Child must -have a Father? - -{{_Marcelina._ “Consider, good Doctor, your Promise, if -ever our Child was found. - -_Doctor._ “Pshaw! - -_Marcelina._ “And here is a Son you surely need not be -ashamed of. - -_Susan._ “Ah my dear Pappa! - -_Figaro._ “My generous, worthy Father. - - (_Susan strokes his Cheek, Figaro kneels, and - Marcelina coaxes him._) - -_Susan._ “You don’t know how we will all love you. - -_Marcelina._ “What care we will take of you. - -_Figaro._ “How happy we will make you. - -_Doctor._ “Good Doctor, dear Pappa, generous Father! -(_Bursts out a crying_) See, if I am not even a greater -Foo-oo-ool than Mr. President! (_Guzman staggers back at -the Doctor’s Compliment_) they mould me like Dough, lead me -like a Child. (_Marcelina, Susan, and Figaro testify their -Joy by their Actions._) Nay, nay, but I hav’n’t yet said -yes. - -_Susan._ “But you have thought yes. - -_Marcelina._ “And look’d yes. - -_Figaro._ “Come, come, we must be quick; let us run and -find the Count, otherwise he will invent some new pretext -to break off the Match. - - (_Exeunt Doctor, Marcelina, Figaro and Susan._) - - - _Manent Don_ GUZMAN. - -_Guzman._ “A greater Foo-oo-ool than Mr. President!--The -People in this House are truly very stupid and ill bred.” -(_Exit._)}} - - -End of ACT III. - - - - -ACT IV. - - -SCENE, a large Saloon. - -FIGARO _and_ SUSAN, _both joyous_. - -_Figaro._ She has converted her Doctor at last--They are to -be married, and these so late implacable Enemies are now -become our dearest Friends. - -_Susan._ What unexpected Happiness! - -_Figaro._ Chance, my Susan--All the effect of -Chance--{{“Yesterday, without a Relation in the World I -could claim, to-day, behold me restored to my Parents--True -it is, they are neither so rich nor so right honorable, -so belaced nor betitled as my imagination had painted -them--But that’s all one, they are mine”}}--I may truly -be called both a Chance Child, and a Child of Chance--By -Chance was I begot, by Chance brought into the World, by -Chance was I stole, by Chance am I found, by Chance have -I lived, and by Chance I shall die--Chance is Nature’s -Sovereign, and must be mine. - -_Susan._ Yes, and by Chance thou mayst come to be hang’d. -(_Laughs._) - -_Figaro._ Or thou to be an Empress--Neither of them are -impossible--He, the Conqueror, whose Ambition ravages the -Earth, and whose Pride eats up Nations, is not less the -sport of Chance than the blind Beggar who is conducted by -his dog. - -_Susan._ Ha, ha, ha!--Prithee leave thy Philosophy, and-- - -_Figaro._ And think of that other blind beggar, Love--Most -willingly, my Angel. (_Kisses her._) - -_Susan._ Pooh, Pooh!--That was not what I meant. - -_Figaro._ Rather say it was not half thy meaning, or thy -meaning ill expressed. (_Kisses her again._) - -_Susan._ Ah, Figaro! Were this fondness, these days but -durable-- - -_Figaro._ Durable!--Iron and Adamant--No; may millions of -imaginary Gallants wrack my heart and decorate my-- - -{{_Susan._ “No rhodomantade, Figaro--Tell me the simple -truth. - -_Figaro._ “By the truest of all Truths I swear-- - -_Susan._ “Truest of Truths!--Are there various kinds of -Truths then? - -_Figaro._ “No doubt. - -_Susan._ “Fie! - -_Figaro._ “There are Truths that may be spoken: such as -the Peccadillos of a poor Rascal! Truths that may not be -spoken: such as the Robberies of a rich Rascal--There are -your Truths comprehensible: such as that two and two make -four; and your Truths incomprehensible: such as that two -and two make five--Then there are your Tradesman’s Truths, -which he retails to his Customers, your Lover’s Truths, -which he pours wholesale into his Mistress’s ear--Your -Courtier’s Truths, on which he feeds his Dependants -and Parasites--Your Court of Law, or Kiss-the-Book -Truths, which are the daily support of a _vast_ number -of _very_ honest people--There are also your physical -and metaphysical Truths--Your old Truths and your new -Truths--Your heterodox and orthodox Truths--Your Mahometan -Truths, your Jewish Truths, and your--other kind of truths, -concerning which there never was nor ever will be any -doubt--Not to mention your Truths _in_ fashion: such as -that Idleness, Ignorance, Dissipation, Gaming and Seduction -are the requisites of a Gentleman--And your Truths _out_ of -fashion: such as that Gentleness, Obedience, Œconomy, and -connubial Love are the requisites of a _Gentlewoman_. - -_Susan._ “I find by your account of the matter, Figaro, -that poor Truth, like a Lottery Ticket, is so divided and -sub-divided, so halved, quartered, cut, carv’d, split and -spliced, it is no where entire to be found. - -_Figaro._ “No where. - -_Susan._ “And moreover, that what is Truth to-day may be a -Lie to-morrow. - -_Figaro._ “May be! Must be. - -_Susan._ “Consequently, that in less than twenty-four -hours, my very tender submissive, ardent Lover may be -metamorphosed into an arbitrary, cold, haughty _Husband_. - -_Figaro._ “Impossible!--Impossible, my Susan! As it is -for thee, my gentle, kind, and beauteous Bride, to be -transformed into an ill-tempered, extravagant slatternly -_Wife_. - -_Susan._ “I understand thee”}}--Well, Well--We will -endeavour to convert the iron Bands of Matrimony into a -flowery Wreath which Love shall teach us to bear lightly -and joyously through Life. - -_Figaro._ Aye, and thus live a happy Exception to the -established usage of a mad World. - -_Susan._ But prithee, who is to go disguised and meet the -Count? - -_Figaro._ Who?--Nobody--Let him wait and fret, and bite his -Nails--I never meant thou shouldst go. - -_Susan._ I assure thee I never had any inclination. - -{{_Figaro._ “Is that the real Truth, Susan?” - -_Susan._ “What! Thinkest thou I am as learned as thou art? -And that I keep several sorts of Truths?”}} - -_Figaro._ (_With fond Vivacity_). And dost thou love me? - -_Susan._ (_Tenderly_). Too much, I doubt. - -_Figaro._ Ah!--That’s but little. - -_Susan._ How! - -_Figaro._ In Love’s Creed, too much is not even enough. - -_Susan._ I understand nothing of this over-refinement, but -I feel I shall love my Husband most heartily. - -_Figaro._ Keep thy word, and put our modern Wives to the -blush. - -_Susan._ Afford them a subject to laugh and point at, thou -mean’st. - - - _Enter the_ COUNTESS. - -_Countess._ Wherever you meet One of them, be certain -you shall find a Pair. (_They salute the Countess_)--The -Bridesmen and Maids wait for you, Figaro. - -_Figaro._ I will take my excuse in my hand--(_Going to lead -out Susan_)--Few offenders can plead so charming a one. - -_Countess._ No, no; stop Susan: I want you--She shall -come presently. (_Exit Figaro_).--Well, Susan, the time -approaches, we must prepare for the Rendezvous. - -{{_Susan._ “I must not go, Madam, Figaro is unwilling. - -_Countess._ (_Angry_). “Figaro!--Figaro is not so -scrupulous when a Marriage-portion is in question--That’s a -poor Pretence; you are sorry you have told the truth, and -discovered the Intentions of the Count.--Go, go--I am not -to be so deceived. (_Going_). - -_Susan._ (_Catching hold of her and kneeling_). “Ah, Madam! -Let me conjure you to hear me, to pardon me.--How can you -think me capable of deceiving so good, so liberal a Lady, -whose bounties I have so often felt!----Oh, no; it is -because I have promised Figaro. - -_Countess._ (_Mildly and Smiling_). “Rise--Hast thou -forgot, silly Girl, that it is I who am to go and not -thee.--(_Kisses her forehead_)--But--I was too hasty. - -_Susan._ “My dear, my generous Mistress.”}} - -_Countess._ And what is the place of Rendezvous? - -_Susan._ The Pavilion in the Garden. - -_Countess._ There are two. - -_Susan._ But they are opposite. - -_Countess._ True--At what hour? - -_Susan._ I don’t know. - -_Countess._ That must be fixed--Sit down, take the pen and -write-- - - (_Susan sits down, the Countess dictates_) - - -A NEW SONG, - -To the Tune of, - -_The Twilight past, the Bell had toll’d_. - -_Susan._ (_Writes_). New song--Tune of--Bell had -toll’d--What next, Madam? - -_Countess._ Dost think he will not understand thee? - -_Susan._ (_Looking archly at the Countess_). Very -true--(_Folding up the Letter_)--But here is neither Wax -nor Wafer. - -_Countess._ Fasten it with a Pin, and write on the -direction, _Return the Seal_. (_Smiling._) - -_Susan._ (_Laughs_) The Seal!--(_Gets up._)--This is not -quite so serious as the Commission just now was. - -_Countess._ (_Sighs_). Ah, Susan. - -_Susan._ I have never a Pin. - -_Countess._ Take this. - - (_Gives her one which fastened the Page’s - riband to her breast; it falls._) - -_Susan._ (_Picking up the riband_) This is the Page’s -riband, Madam. - -_Countess._ Wouldst thou have me let him wear it? It will -do for Agnes; I will give it her the first Bouquet she -presents me. - - (_Just as the Countess has said this, Agnes and - a troop of young Maidens, among them the Page, - in girl’s cloaths, enter with nosegays for the - Countess, who instantly puts the riband in her - pocket, with an evident wish, by her looks and - action, to preserve it._) - -_Countess._ (_Looking at the Page_) What pretty maiden is -this? - -_Agnes._ A Cousin of mine, Madam, that we have invited to -the Wedding. - -_Countess._ Well, then, as we can wear but one nosegay, let -us do honour to the Stranger. (_Takes the Nosegay from the -Page, and kisses his forehead._--(_Aside to Susan_) Don’t -you think, Susan, she resembles amazingly--(_Stops short, -and looks at Susan_). - -_Susan._ Amazingly, indeed, Madam! - -_Page._ (_Aside_) What a precious kiss! I feel -it here. (_Putting his hand on his heart._) - - - _Enter the Count, and Antonio with a hat in his hand._ - -_Antonio._ (_As he enters_) Yes, yes, my Lord, I’m certain -it was him. The rakish little Rascal is disguised among -the Girls. I found his new hat and cockade here--hid in -a basket. (_The Countess and Susan surprised, look at -the Page, and then at each other. The girls surround and -endeavour to hide Hannibal; Antonio seeks among them_). Ay, -ay, here he is--here he is. (_Antonio takes off his cap, -and puts on his hat_) There, my Lord! There’s a pretty, -modest Virgin for you! - -_Count._ Well, my Lady! - -_Countess._ Well, my Lord!--I am as much surprized as you -can be; and, I assure you, not less vex’d.--At present, -however, it is time to tell you the whole Truth: This -young gentleman (_Pointing to the Page_) was hid in my -Dressing-room.--We attempted a Joke, which these Girls have -put in practice. - -_Count._ But wherefore hide him from me? - -_Countess._ Because, my Lord, when your Passions are -predominant, you are incapable of either listening to or -believing the Truth. - -_Count._ (_Aside_) Must I for ever be disturbed, haunted, -and bewitch’d thus by this beardless Boy? (_Turning with -great wrath towards the Page_) What is the reason, Sir, you -have not obeyed my Commands? - -_Page._ (_Draws back frightened, and takes off his hat_) -My-my-my Lord, I staid to teach Agnes the Love scene she is -to play in the Comedy this evening. - -_Agnes._ (_Steps forward_) Ah, my Lord, when you come to my -room, you know, and want to kiss me-- - -_Count._ I! - - (_The Countess remarks his embarrassment, - Susan laughs silently, and makes signs to the - Countess_). - -_Agnes._ Yes, my Lord! You say to me, My pretty Agnes, if -you will but love me, I will give you any thing you wish -to have; now, my Lord, if you will give me Hannibal for a -husband, I will love you with all my heart. - -_Countess._ You hear, my Lord!--Has not the simplicity -of this Child’s confession, as artless as the one I have -this moment made, sufficiently justified my Conduct? And -do not circumstances prove, how injurious your Suspicions -have been, and how well founded mine? (_Count bows to the -Countess._) - -_Antonio._ You see, my Lord, what a giddy young thing it is. - -_Count._ And very loving too. - -_Antonio._ Her mother, as every body knows, was just such -another. - - - _Enter_ FIGARO. - -_Figaro._ Come, my pretty Maidens, come. (_Turns to the -Count_) While you keep the Lasses here, my Lord, we can -neither begin our Procession nor our Dances. - -_Count._ (_Gravely putting on his hat_) Why surely, Sir, -you don’t intend to dance. - -_Figaro._ Why not, my Lord? - -_Count._ What! With a hurt in your ancle? - -_Figaro._ Oh! Is that all?--It pains me a little, to be -sure; but that’s a trifle--Come Girls. - -_Count._ (_Turning him back_) You were very lucky to light -upon such soft ground. - -_Figaro._ Exceedingly, my Lord:--Come Lasses. - -_Antonio._ (_Turning him back on the other side_) And then -you double yourself up, when you take a leap? Yet, like a -Cat, you fall on your feet. - -_Figaro._ What then?--Come Gir-- - -_Count._ But how unhappy the poor Youth will be about his -Commission. - -_Figaro._ What is the meaning of all this, my Lord? - -_Antonio._ (_Bringing the Page forward_) Do you know this -bashful young Lady? - -_Figaro._ The Devil! Hannibal!--(_Aside._) Well, and what -Riddle has he to propound? - -_Count._ No Riddle, Sir, but a simple matter of fact:--He -affirms, it was he who jump’d out of the window. - -_Figaro._ Does he?--Well, if he say so, I suppose it is so. - -_Count._ How! What two at a time? - -_Figaro._ Two? Twenty! Why not, my Lord? One sheep begins, -and the rest naturally follow: (_Flourish of Music -without_) Come, come, my merry Maidens, don’t you hear the -music? Quick, quick, run, run, run. - - (_Exeunt Susan and Figaro, with the Girls._) - -_Count._ (_To the Page_) Harkee, little Rascal, begone, -instantly; put off your Petticoats, and don’t stir out of -your room the rest of the day.--Take care, Sir, I don’t -meet you again. - -_Page._ (_Putting on his hat_) No matter--I bare away that -upon my forehead, which would compensate for an age of -imprisonment. (_Exit joyously_). - -_Count._ (_Looks at the Countess, who recollects the kiss -she had just given the Page_) His forehead! What is it he -bears away so triumphantly upon his forehead? - -_Countess._ (_Embarrassed_) A--His Officer’s hat, I -suppose. Every new Bauble pleases a Child. - - (_Going._) - -_Count._ The Procession is coming, will not your Ladyship -stay and be a witness of your Favourite’s happiness? - -_Countess._ As your Lordship pleases. - - _Enter the Procession of the two Weddings. A March is - played; Doctor Bartholo and Marcelina are preceded by - Cryer of the Court, Guards, Doublefee, Counsellors, Don - Guzman; after them come Antonio, Figaro, and Susan, - followed by the Bridesmen and Maids, and a troop of - Dancers. They all salute the Count and Countess as they - pass; and after making the tour of the stage, Antonio - presents his Niece to the Count; Susan kneels, one of the - Bridemaids gives the Count the nuptial Cap; and Susan, - while the Count is placing it on her head, plucks him by - the cloak, and shews him the Note she had just before - written. He pretends to keep adjusting the Cap, and slily - reaches to take the Note, which he instantly claps in - his bosom, having previously unbuttoned himself for that - purpose. While this is transacting a Castanet-Dance is - performed. As soon as Susan rises, she purposely places - herself before the Countess, to encourage the Count to - read the Note, who accordingly steps forward, is going - to open it, and pricks his finger with the Pin, which he - plucks out and throws angrily on the floor._) - -_Count._ These Women and their curst Pins. - -_Figaro._ (_Aside to his Mother laughing_) The Count has -received a Billet-doux from some pretty Girl, sealed with -a Pin! This is a new fashion, which he does not seem to -admire. - - (_The Count reads the Note, is exceedingly - pleased, folds it up again, and reads on the - outside, “Return the Seal;” he pretends to - walk carelessly about the stage, but is all - the while looking earnestly for the pin he had - thrown away, which he at last finds, picks up - and sticks upon his Sleeve._) - -_Figaro._ (_To his Mother_) Every thing is precious that -appertains to a beloved object.--He picks up the very Pin, -you see. - - (_All this while Susan and the Countess remark - what is passing with laughter, and private - looks and gestures._) - -_Countess._ (_Rising_) Come with me, Susan. We shall soon -be back, my Lord. (_Aside to Susan_) Let us make haste and -exchange dresses. - - (_Exeunt Countess and Susan._ - -{{_Crier._ “Guards! Guards!--This way, Guards! (_Places the -Guards at the door, runs up to the Count_) My Lord, here’s -Mr. Basil coming, my Lord, with the whole Village at his -heels; because he has been singing all the way he went. - -_Figaro._ “Orpheus and the Brutes. But I’ll make him change -his Tune.”}} - - - _Enter_ BASIL _singing, followed by_ BOUNCE. - -_Count._ So, Mr. Basil, what is your will and pleasure? - -{{_Basil._ “After having fulfilled your Lordship’s -commands, by amusing this honest Gentleman---- - -_Bounce._ “Me, my Lord? I assure your Lordship he has not -amused me in the least. - -_Basil._ “I now return to enforce my claims on Marcelina. - -_Figaro._ “Look you, Sir--Should you venture but to cast -one look, or approach one step nearer that Lady---- - -_Doctor._ “Let him speak, Figaro, let him speak. - -_Guzman._ “Oh f-f-fie!--What f-f-friends!-- - -_Figaro._ “I disclaim such friendship. - -_Basil._ “And I----Error in Judgment, Mr. President. - -_Figaro._ “He!--A Street-corner Ballad-Bawler! - -_Basil._ “As good, at least, as a Barber-Surgeon! - -_Figaro._ “Who hashes up a dinner out of Horse-hair and -Catgut! - -_Basil._ “Who has hungrily devoured Razors and Hones, and -fed half his life upon Froth! (_Imitates beating up a -Lather._) - -_Figaro._ “The high Priest of Pimps! - -_Basil._ “The vile Drudge of Intrigue! - -_Figaro._ “Execrated by those he serves! - -_Basil._ “Gulled by his own Cunning! - -_Figaro._ “So great a Fool, Knavery itself cannot make him -thrive! - -_Basil._ “So stupid, he never yet could invent a probable -Lie! - - _Doctor._ } “Hold, hold. - _Guzman._ } - -_Figaro._ “A Pedantic! - -_Basil._ “Pert! - -_Figaro._ “Preposterous! - -_Basil._ “Pragmatical! - -_Figaro._ “Braying! - -_Basil._ “Lop-eared! - -_Figaro._ “Ass! - -_Count._ “How now!--Is this all the Respect you shew?-- - -_Basil._ “You hear, my Lord, how he insults me! When, it -is well known, there is not, in all Andalusia, a more -eminent!---- - -_Figaro._ “Empty! - -_Basil._ “Able! - -_Figaro._ “Abject! - -_Basil._ “Musician! - -_Figaro._ “Miscreant! - -_Basil._ “Is this to be borne? - -_Figaro._ “Whose countenance prophecies of Pillories, -Scaffolds, and the stretching of Hemp; and whose whole -appearance is a continual Memento of public Calamity, -Plague, Pestilence, and Famine;--A Misericordia, -Sackcloth-and-ashes Knave;--A Scape Goat, that looks like -a Jew in the yellow Jaundice. - - (_Doctor Bartholo and Don Guzman prevent Basil - from falling upon Figaro._) - -_Count._ “Do you think this proper, Mr. Figaro? - -_Figaro._ “Why not, my Lord?--Let him listen to Truth, -since he is too Poor to pay Parasites and Liars. - -_Count._ “Silence, Sir!--Let us hear, Mr. Basil, what you -have to say. - -_Basil._ “(_Composing himself_) I demand the hand of -Marcelina, my Lord, who promised to marry me. - -_Marcelina._ “On what condition was this promise made? - -_Basil._ “That I should adopt your lost Son, if ever you -should be happy enough to find him. - -_Marcelina._ “Well. - -_Doctor._ “He is found. - -_Basil._ “Where is he? - -_Doctor._ “Here he stands. (_Pointing to Figaro_). - -_Guzman._ “The-e-e-ere he stands. - -_Basil._ “He!--Oh, my curst Stars! - -_Guzman._ “Do you re-e-nounce your pre-e-tentions to his -de-e-ear Mother? - -_Basil._ “Renounce!--As I would renounce the Devil and all -his Works. - -_Figaro._ “What! Renounce your best Friend?--But that’s -like your Rogue’s tricks. - -_Basil._ “I will not live under the same roof with him--I -would rather even quit the service of my Lord. - -_Figaro._ “Don’t be uneasy, I shan’t trouble you -long--Restored to my Parents, and married to my Susan, I -shall retire and live in Peace. - -_Count._ “(_Aside_) And I shall retire to meet my Mistress. - -_Guzman._ “So every body is sa-a-tisfied.”}} - -_Count._ Let the marriage Contracts be prepared, and I will -sign them. - -_Figaro._ Thanks, gracious Lord. - -_Bounce._ And I will go and prepare the Fireworks in the -Garden, near the Pavilion. - -_Count._ (_Returning_) Who, pray Sir, gave you those -Orders?--The Countess is too much indisposed to come out; -let them, therefore, be played off in front of the Castle, -facing her Windows--(_Aside_)--The Rascal was going to set -fire to my Place of Rendezvous! (_Exeunt_). - - - _Manent_ FIGARO _and_ MARCELINA. - -_Figaro._ How attentive he is to his Wife. - -_Marcelina._ {{“It is necessary”}}--My dear Figaro, -{{“I should undeceive thee respecting my former false -accusations of Susan--Basil has always told me she -obstinately refused to listen to the Count’s Overtures, -and”}} I am both sorry and ashamed to have excited thy -Jealousy. - -_Figaro._ Oh, be under no apprehensions, my dear Mother; -Jealousy is the foolish Child of Pride, the Disease of a -Madman--My Philosophy is invulnerable to its poisonous -Arrows. (_Figaro turns and sees Agnes just behind him, -coming down the Stage_).--So! What you have been listening, -my little inquisitive Cousin? - -_Agnes._ Oh, no; they tell me that is not polite. - -_Figaro._ Then what’s your errand?--He is not here. - -_Agnes._ Who? - -_Figaro._ Hannibal. - -_Agnes._ Oh, I know that very well--I know where he is--I -want my Cousin Susan. - -_Figaro._ Aye!--And what do you want with her? - -_Agnes._ Not much; only to give her a Pin. - -_Figaro._ (_Starts_) A Pin! (_Striding about in great -anger_) A Pin!--And how dare you, you little Hussey, -undertake such Messages?--What! Have you learnt your -trade already?--(_Marcelina makes a sign to Figaro, -who recollects himself, and endeavours to disguise his -feelings_)--Come, come, my pretty Cousin, don’t be -frighten’d, I was but in joke--I--I--I know all about it; -it’s a Pin that my Lord has sent by you to Susan. - -_Agnes._ Since you know so well, why need you ask me then? - -_Figaro._ (_Coaxing_) Only to hear what my Lord said when -he sent thee on this errand. - -_Agnes._ Here, said he, here, my pretty little Agnes, take -this Pin to thy Cousin Susan, and tell her it is the Seal -of the new Song about the Twilight and the Pavilion. - -_Figaro._ And the---- - -_Agnes._ The Pavilion--And take great care, said he, that -nobody sees thee. - -_Figaro._ Well, well, I was but joking; go and execute thy -Message faithfully, exactly as my Lord bade thee. - -_Agnes._ Law! My Cousin takes me for a Ninny, I believe. -(_Exit skipping_). - -_Figaro._ So, my Mother! - -_Marcelina._ So, my Son! - -_Figaro._ Here’s a sweet Daughter!--A delightful -Bride!--And will be a most virtuous Wife!----(_Walking up -and down with great agitation_)----A false--Deceitful--I’m -happy, however, I have found her out--I will detect, -expose, and abandon her! - -_Marcelina._ Nay, but gently, my Son, gently; recollect -that Jealousy is the disease of a Madman, and that your -Philosophy is invulnerable.--Fie! fie!--All this passion -about a Pin! - -_Figaro._ A Pin that has wounded me to the heart!--Didn’t -we see the Count pick it up? - -_Marcelina._ We did so; but how can we tell whether she -means to deceive thee or him?--Art thou sure she will go to -the Rendezvous; and wilt thou condemn her without hearing -her? - -_Figaro._ I am sorry--I am a Fool--And yet!--If she should -be false! - -_Marcelina._ Nay, but my dear Figaro---- - -_Figaro._ Well, well; I will be calm--Yes, my amorous -Count, you will at least meet with somebody you don’t -expect--If you do not make haste we shall be at the -Pavilion, as soon as your Lordship! - - (_Exeunt_). - - -The End of ACT IV. - - - - -ACT V. - - -SCENE, _the Garden_, - -_With walks of cut trees in the back ground, and two -Pavilions, one on each side of the stage_. - - - _Enter_ AGNES. (_A lanthorn in one hand, and two cakes - and an orange in the other_) - -_Agnes._ The Pavilion to the left? Ay, that’s it.--But if -he should not come soon!--He has not half learnt me my part -yet--Poor thing, he hasn’t eat any thing all day; and the -cross, good-for-nothing Cook would not give me a morsel for -him; so I was obliged to ask the Butler for these Cakes and -this Orange:--It cost me a good kiss on the cheek, but I -know who’ll repay--Oh dear, here’s somebody coming!-- - - - _Enter_ FIGARO, _disguised in a red Rocquelaure_; Doctor - Bartholo, Don Guzman, Basil, Antonio. _Figaro imagines - at first Agnes to be Susan; and, as it is too dark to - see, endeavours to follow the sound of her voice, having - entered while she was speaking. Agnes enters the Pavilion - on the left._ - -_Figaro._ I was mistaken, ’tis Agnes! (_They all grope down -the stage till they get round Figaro_) What a clock is it? - -_Antonio._ Almost near the moon’s rising. - -_Basil._ What a gloomy night. - -_Doctor._ We look like so many Conspirators. - -_Figaro._ You understand, Gentlemen, why you are come -hither--It is to be Witnesses of the Conduct of the -virtuous Bride I am soon to espouse, and the honourable -Lord who has graciously bestowed her upon me. - -_Basil._ (_Aside_) This will be a precious Revenge. - -_Doctor._ Remember, Figaro, a wise Man has never any -Contest with the Great; it is the Battle of Don Quixote -with the Windmills; they whirl and dash you to a Distance, -without once altering or retarding their Course. - -_Figaro._ Rather remember they have not courage to oppress -any but Cowards. - -_Doctor._ He’s mad. - -_Guzman._ Ye-e-es, he is ma-a-ad. - -_Antonio._ But what about? - -_Basil._ A certain Rendezvous;--Come this way, and I’ll -tell you the whole. - -_Figaro._ Hide yourselves hereabouts, and come running the -Moment you hear me call. - -_Doctor._ He is turning Fool. - -_Guzman._ Ye-e-es, he’s turning foo-oo-ool--Stay and take -ca-are of him. - - (_Exeunt._ - - - _Manent_ Figaro _and_ Doctor. - -{{_Figaro._ “Oh Woman, Woman, Woman! Inconstant, weak, -deceitful Woman!--But each Animal is obliged to follow the -instinct of its Nature; and it is thine to betray!----What, -after swearing this very Morning to remain for ever -Faithful; and on the identical Day! The bridal Day!---- - -_Doctor._ “Patience. - -_Figaro._ “I even saw her laugh with Delight, while he read -her Billet!----They think themselves secure, but perhaps -they yet may be deceived.”}}----No, my very worthy Lord and -Master, you have not got her yet.--What! Because you are -a great Man, you fancy yourself a great Genius.--{{“Which -way?--How came you to be the rich and mighty Count -Almaviva? Why truly, you gave yourself the Trouble to -be born! While the obscurity in which I have been cast -demanded more Abilities to gain a mere Subsistence than -are requisite to govern Empires. And what, most noble -Count, are your Claims to Distinction, to pompous Titles, -and immense Wealth, of which you are so proud, and which, -by Accident, you possess? For which of your Virtues? Your -Wisdom? Your Generosity? Your Justice?--The Wisdom you have -acquired consists in vile Arts, to gratify vile Passions; -your Generosity is lavished on your hireling Instruments, -but whose Necessities make them far less Contemptible than -yourself; and your Justice is the inveterate Persecution -of those who have the Will and the Wit to resist your -Depredations.”}} But this has ever been the Practice of the -_little_ Great; those they cannot degrade, they endeavour -to crush. - -_Doctor._ Be advised, Figaro--be calm--there has ever been -a Respect paid-- - -_Figaro._ To Vice--where it is not due.--Shame light on -them that pay it. - -_Doctor._ Consider, he is---- - -_Figaro._ A Lord--and I am--a Man!--Yes, I am a Man, -but the nocturnal Spells of that enchantress Woman, -soon shall make me a Monster. {{“Why, what an Ass am -I!--Acting here the idiot part of a (_Strikes his -forehead_)--a--Husband--Altho’ I am but half finished.”}} - - (_Agnes peers out of the Pavilion, and - approaches a little way to listen_.) - -_Agnes._ Is that Hannibal? - -_Doctor._ I hear somebody! (_Agnes hears the voice of the -Doctor, and runs in again_) I will retire, but if you are -wise, you will wait the Event patiently; your suspicions -may be unjust,--should they prove real, then shake her from -you, as her Ingratitude deserves. - - (_Exit_. - -_Figaro._ {{“Oh, how easy it is for the prayer mumbling -Priest to bid the Wretch on the Rack suffer patiently. -(_Figaro listens_) I hear nothing--all is silent--and -dark as their designs. (_Figaro pulls off his Roquelaure, -and throws it on a Garden-bench_) Why, what a Destiny -is mine--Am I for ever doom’d to be the foot-ball of -Fortune?--Son of I knew not who, stol’n I knew not how, -and brought up to I knew not what, lying and thieving -excepted, I had the sense, tho’ young, to despise a life -so base, and fled such infernal Tutors. My Genius, tho’ -cramp’d, could not be totally subdued, and I spent what -little time and money I could spare in Books and Study. -Alas! it was but time and money thrown away. Desolate -in the world, unfriended, unprotected, my poor stock of -knowledge not being whip’d into me by the masculine hic -hæc hoc hand of a School-master, I could not get Bread, -much less Preferment.----Disheartened by the failure -of all my projects, I yet had the audacity to attempt -a Comedy, but as I had the still greater audacity to -attack the favorite Vice of the favorite Mistress, of the -favorite Footman of the favorite Minister, I could not -get it licensed.--It happened about that time, that the -fashionable Question of the day was an enquiry into the -real and imaginary Wealth of Nations; and, as it is not -necessary to possess the thing you write about, I, with -lank Cheeks, pennnyless Purse, and all the simplicity -of a Boy, or a Philosopher, freely described the true -causes of national Poverty: when suddenly I was awaken’d -in my bed at Mid-night, and entrusted to the tender care -of his Catholic Majesty’s Mirmidons, whose Magic-power -caused the heavy gates of an old Castle to fly open at -my approach, where I was graciously received, lodged, -and ornamented, according to the fashion of the place, -and provided with Straw, and Bread, and Water gratis. My -ardor for Liberty sufficiently cool’d. I was once more -turned adrift into the wide World, with leave to provide -Straw and Bread and Water for myself.--On this my second -birth, I found all Madrid in Raptures, concerning a most -generous Royal Edict, lately published, in favor of the -Liberty of the Press: and I soon learnt, that, provided -I neither spoke of the Wealth of Nations in my writings, -nor of the Government, nor of Religion, nor of any -Corporate-Companies, nor offended the favorite Mistress -of the Minister’s favorite Footman, nor said any one -thing which could be twisted into a reference, or hint, -derogatory to any one Individual, who had more powerful -friends than I had, I was at liberty to write, freely, all, -and whatever I pleased, under the inspection of some two -or three Censors!----Soon after this, a Place happened to -be vacant, which required a person well acquainted with -Calculation; I offered my Services; my Abilities were -not questioned; I waited, in anxious expectation of the -Event, and, in three days, learnt it had been bestowed, -two days before, upon a Dancing-master.--Persecuted by -Creditors, tired of starving, and unable, through the -feebleness of Youth to sustain so unequal a Struggle, I -had the weakness, at last, to sink before Temptation, -and set up a Pharaoh Bank. And now, for once, behold the -Scene changed! See me equally familiar with Lords as with -their Lacquies! Every door was open to me! Every hand -held out! But, notwithstanding my desire to be Something -in this world, my detestation of the brazen Effrontery, -profound Ignorance, and insupportable Insolence of these -fashionable Friends of Nobility was so innate that I found -I could better endure all the Miseries of Poverty than the -Disgrace and Disgust of such Society.--Quitting, therefore, -with contempt this new Trade, and leaving false Shame -behind me, as a burthen too heavy for a Foot-passenger, -I once more took up my strap and hone, and travelled for -employment from Town to Town.----At Seville I found a -Lord mad to marry his Mistress; my Wit procured him what -his could not, a Wife; and, in return, he gratefully -endeavours to Seduce mine--Strange concatenation of -circumstance! My Parents all at once claim me!--’Tis he, -’tis she, ’tis me, ’tis--I don’t know who!--I came into -the world without my Knowledge, and I shall go out on’t -without my Will; and thus do I continue to torment myself -about this Being of mine, without understanding what this -Being is, what it was, what it shall be, whence it came, -where it is, or whither it shall go.--I only know it to -be a compound of Contradictions! A little, wise, foolish -Animal, ardent in the pursuit of Pleasure, capricious -through Vanity, laborious from Necessity, but indolent by -Choice. After having exhausted every Art for enjoyment, -and every Profession for a livelihood, I found myself -intoxicated by a heavenly Illusion, that has vanish’d at -my approach!--Vanished!--And is it vanish’d?”}}--Oh Susan! -Susan! - - (_Figaro sinks melancholy upon the garden-seat; - but being suddenly roused by a noise, wraps - himself up in his Rocquelaure._ - - - _Enter softly, in each other’s dress, the_ COUNTESS _and_ - SUSAN, _followed by_ MARCELINA. - -_Susan._ So Figaro is to be here. (_In an under voice_) - -_Marcelina._ He is here. - -_Susan._ Thus one is come to lay the Springe, and the other -to seize the Game. - -_Marcelina._ I will go and hide myself in this Pavilion, -where I shall hear all. - - (_Exit into the Pavilion on the left._) - -_Susan._ We may begin. (_Speaks louder_) If my Lady does -not want me, I will walk and enjoy the fresh air. - -_Figaro._ Oh, the Cocatrice. - -_Countess._ It may give thee cold. - -_Susan._ Oh no, my Lady. - -_Figaro._ Oh no! She’ll not take cold to-night. (_Aside_). - - _Susan retires a little towards the Pavilion on - the left; Hannibal is heard singing, and, as - he enters, perceives the Countess, in Susan’s - dress._ - -_Page._ Is that Agnes, yonder? (_He approaches_) By her -long Lappets and white Feathers, it must be Susan. (_Comes -up and takes hold of the Countess’s hand_. Ah, my dear -Susan! - -_Countess._ Let me go. (_In a feigned voice._) - -_Page._ Come, Come; don’t be so coy. I know it is not -Figaro you are waiting for, it is my Lord the Count--What! -Did not I hear, this Morning, when I was behind the great -Chair? - -_Susan._ (_Aside_). The babbling little Villain. - - - _Enter the_ COUNT _behind, and hears the Page_. - -_Count._ Is not that somebody with Susan?--(_Advances close -up to them, and draws back in a fury_).--’Tis that infernal -Page again. - - (_Susan keeps out of the way and silently - laughing._) - -_Page._ ’Tis in vain to say no:--Since thou art going to be -the Representative of the Countess, I am determined to give -the one kiss for thyself, and a hundred for thy beauteous -Lady. - -{{_Susan._ (_Aside_). “As impudent as a Page, says the -Proverb.”}} - - (_The Countess draws back to avoid being - kissed by the Page, and the Count advances and - presents himself in her place; the Page feels - the rough beard of the Count, and suddenly - retreats, crying in an under voice_)--Oh, the - Devil!--The Count again! - - (_Exit Page into the Pavilion on the left._) - - (_While this passes, Figaro likewise advances - to drive the Page from Susan; meanwhile the - Count, on the Page’s supposed next approach, - prepares to give him a proper reception_). - -_Count._ (_Thinking he speaks to the Page_). Since you are -so fond of kissing, take that. (_Gives Figaro a severe box -on the ear_). - -_Figaro._ I have paid for listening. (_Susan cannot contain -herself, but bursts out a laughing_). - -_Count._ (_Hears her laugh_). Why this is -inconceiveable!--Do such Salutations make the impudent -Rascal laugh? - -_Figaro._ It would be strange if he should cry this time. -(_Aside_). - - (_Count and Countess approach_). - -_Count._ But let us not lose the precious moments, my -charming Susan!--Let these Kisses speak my ardour! (_Kisses -the Countess several times with rapture_). - -_Figaro._ (_Aside, and beating his forehead_). Oh! Oh! Oh! - -_Count._ Why dost thou tremble? - -_Countess._ (_Continuing her feigned voice_). Because I am -afraid. - -_Count._ Thou seemest to have got a cold. (_Takes the -Countess’s hand between his own, and amorously strokes -and kisses her fingers_). What a sweet, delicate, Angel’s -hand!--How smooth and soft!--How long and small the -fingers!--What pleasure in the touch!--Ah! How different is -this from the Countess’s hand!-- - -_Countess._ (_Sighing_). And yet you loved her once. - -_Count._ Yes--Yes--I did so--But three Years of -better Acquaintance has made the Marriage-state so -respectable--And then Wives are so loving--when they _do_ -love, that is--that one is surprised when in search of -Pleasure, to find Satiety. - -_Countess._ Pleasure?--Love! - -_Count._ Oh, no; Love is but the Romance of the Heart; -Pleasure is its History--As for thee, my dear Susan, add -but one grain more of Caprice to thy Composition and thou -wilt make one of the most enticing, teazing, agreeable -Mistresses. - -_Countess._ ’Tis my Duty to oblige my Lord. - -_Figaro._ Her Duty!-- - -_Count._ Yes--Women’s Duties are unlimited--They owe -all--Men nothing. - -_Countess._ Nothing? - -_Count._ It is not our Faults; ’tis the law of Nature--And -then Wives think to ensure our fidelity by being always -Wives--Whereas they should sometimes become---- - -_Countess._ What? - -_Count._ Our Mistresses----I hope thou wilt not forget this -Lesson. - -_Countess._ Oh no, indeed, not I. - -_Susan._ (_Aloud_). Nor I. - -_Figaro._ (_Aloud_). Nor I. - -_Count._ (_Astonished_). Are there Echoes here? - -_Countess._ Oh, yes. - -_Count._ And now, my sweet Susan, receive the Portion I -promised thee. (_Gives a purse and puts a ring upon her -finger_)--And continue likewise to wear this Ring for my -sake. - -_Countess._ Susan accepts your Favors. - -_Figaro._ (_Aside_). Was there ever so faithless a Hussey? - -_Susan._ (_Aside_). These riches are all for us! (_Still -keeps chuckling very heartily at what is going forwards._) - -_Countess._ I perceive Torches. - -_Count._ They are preparatory to thy Nuptials. (_the -Countess pretends to be afraid_). Come, come, let us retire -for a moment into the Pavilion. - -_Countess._ What! In the dark? - -_Count._ Why not? There are no Spirits. - -_Figaro._ (_Aside_). Yes, but there are; and evil ones -too. (_Countess follows the Count_). She is going!----Hem! -(_Figaro hem’s in a great passion_). - -_Count._ (_Raising his voice majesterially_). Who goes -there! - -_Figaro._ A man. - -_Count._ (_Aside to the Countess_). It’s Figaro! - - (_The Countess enters the Pavilion on the right - hand and the Count retires_). - -_Figaro._ (_Desperate_). They are gone in. (_Walks about_). -Let her go.--Let her go! - -_Susan._ (_Aside._) Thou shalt pay presently for these fine -Suspicions. (_Susan advances and mimics the voice of the -Countess_). Who is that? - -_Figaro._ ’Tis the Countess (_Aside_).--What lucky Chance -conducted you hither, Madam--You know not what Scenes are -this moment transacting. - -_Susan._ Oh yes, but I do, Figaro. - -_Figaro._ What! That the Count and my very virtuous Bride -are this moment in yonder Pavilion Madam! - -_Susan._ (_Aside_). Very well, my Gentleman!--I know more -than thou dost. - -_Figaro._ And will you not be revenged? - -_Susan._ Oh yes, we always have our Revenge in our own -power. - -_Figaro._ (_Aside_). What does she mean?--Perhaps what I -suspect--Why that would be a glorious Retaliation.--(_To -Susan._) There is no Means but one, Madam, of revenging -such Wrongs; that now presents itself. - -_Susan._ (_Jealous_) What does the good-for-nothing Fellow -mean? (_Speaks in a tone of compliance to Figaro_). Does it -Figaro? - -_Figaro._ Pardon my Presumption, Madam! On any other -occasion, the Respect I bear your Ladyship would keep me -silent, but on the present I dare encounter all! (_Falls on -his knees_). Oh, excuse, forgive me, Madam; but let not -the precious moments slip!--Grant me your hand. - -_Susan._ (_Unable any longer to contain herself gives him -a slap on the face_). Take it. - -_Figaro._ I have it, I think!--The Devil! This is the Day -of Stripes! - -_Susan._ Susan gives it thee (_as soon as Figaro hears -it is Susan, his satisfaction is so extreme, he laughs -very heartily, and keeps laughing all the while she keeps -beating him_) and that, and that, and that, and that for -thy Insolence--And that for thy Jealousy--And that for thy -Infidelity. - - (_Susan out of breath, Figaro still laughing._) - -_Figaro._ Oh happy Figaro--Take thy Revenge, my dear, kind, -good Angel; Never did Man or Martyr suffer with such Extacy! - -_Susan._ Don’t tell me of your Extacy! How durst you, you -good for nothing, base, false-hearted Man, make love to me, -supposing me the Countess. - -_Figaro._ I must bring myself off, (_aside_)--Dost think I -could mistake the music of my Susan’s Voice? - -_Susan._ What, you pretend you knew me then? - -_Figaro._ Pretend! Canst thou doubt it? - -_Susan._ And this was a Trick upon me!--But I’ll be -revenged. - -_Figaro._ Talk not of Revenge, my Love, but tell me what -blest Angel sent thee hither, and how thou camest by this -Disguise, which so fully proves thy Innocence! - -{{_Susan._ “I could find in my Heart not to tell thee; but -know, to thy Confusion, it is my Lady’s; and that, coming -to catch one Fox, we have entrapped two! - -_Figaro._ “But who has taken the other? - -_Susan._ “His Wife. - -_Figaro._ “His Wife!--Go and hang thyself, Figaro--Go and -hang thyself, for wanting the Wit to divine this Plot!--And -has all this intriguing been about his Wife? - -_Susan._ “_Yes, about his Wife._ - -_Figaro._ (_a little suspicious_) “But who did the Page -kiss? - -_Susan._ “The Count. - -_Figaro._ “The Count! Ha! ha! ha! that is excellent, -(_Resuming his gravity_) But who did the Count kiss? - -_Susan._ “The Countess. - -_Figaro._ “Ay, but who did he kiss this Morning----behind -the great Chair? - -_Susan._ (_Gravely_) “Nobody. - -_Figaro._ “Art thou--quite sure?”}} - -_Susan._ (_Holding out her Hand_) Dost thou want another -Proof? - -_Figaro._ Ah! Thine are but proofs of Love--That of the -Count, indeed, was not so gentle. - - - _Enter_ COUNT _behind_. - -_Count._ ’St--’st! Susan!--Susan! - -_Figaro._ (_Aside to Susan_) A lucky thought strikes me; -prithee second me, Susan, (_Speaks in a feigned Voice, -falls on his Knees and kisses Susan’s Hand_)--Ah Madam! Let -us not longer converse of Love, but enjoy it’s Treasures. - -_Count._ What’s here! A Man on his Knees to the -Countess!--(_Feels for his Sword, they keep silently -laughing_) And I unarm’d! - -_Figaro._ (_Acting the Petit Maitre_) Upon my honour, -Madam, I could not have supposed Timidity should make you -hesitate a moment. - -_Count._ (_Furiously_) So this is our Dressing-room -Gentleman, at last! I shall know all at least, -now--(_Figaro kisses her hand again._) Oh Rage! Oh Hell! - -_Susan._ How delightfully he swears. - -_Figaro._ (_Figaro and Susan still inwardly laughing_) -Quickly then, Madam, let us repair the wrong which Love -this Morning suffered at the impertinent intrusion of your -Lord. - -_Count._ This is not to be borne. - - (_Darts between them, seizes Figaro by the - Collar, while Susan escapes into the Pavilion - on the left._) - -_Figaro_ (_Pretends amazement_) My Lord! - -_Count._ How! Rascal! And is it you!--Hollo--Hollo--Who -hears? - - - _Enter blundering in the dark, and in a great hurry, the - COURIER, who had been to Seville after the Page._ - -_Courier._ Here!--Here!--Here am I, my Lord! Just arrived -from Seville! But he is not there! I might as well have -sought for this Page in my pocket! Here is the Packet again. - -_Count._ Stand out of the way, Rascal----Hollo!--Where are -my People? Lights! Lights! - -_Courier._ What’s my Lord afraid of? Is there not Mr. -Figaro and I? - - - _Enter Flambeaux, Don_ GUZMAN, _Dr._ BARTHOLO, ANTONIO, - BASIL, _and Servants_. - -_Count._ (_To the Servants_) Guard that Door and some of -you seize this Fellow. - -_Figaro._ You command, with absolute Authority, over all -present, my Lord, except yourself. - -{{_Count._ “The Villain’s impenetrable, cool Impudence is -intolerable. - -_Figaro._ “We are not Soldiers, that we should kill one -another without Malice: for my part, I like to know why I -am angry.”}} - -_Count._ Be pleased, Sir, to declare, before this Company, -who the--the--Woman is that just now ran into that Pavilion. - -_Figaro._ Into that--(_Going to cross to the Pavilion on -the right._) - -_Count._ (_Stopping him_) No, prevaricating Fiend; into -that. (_Pointing to the other._) - -_Figaro._ Ah! That alters the Case. - -_Count._ Answer, or-- - -{{_Figaro._ “The Lady that escaped into that Pavilion? - -_Count._ “Ay, Demon, the Lady.”}} - -_Figaro._ The Lady {{“that escaped into that Pavilion,”}} -is a young Lady to whom my Lord once paid his Addresses, -but who, happening to love me more than my Betters, has -this day yielded me the Preference. - -_Count._ The Preference!--The Preference!--he does not lie -at least.----Yes, Gentlemen, what he confesses, I pledge -my Honour I just have heard from the very mouth of his -Accomplice! - -_Guzman._ His Accomplice! - -_Count._ Come forth, Madam! (_Enters the Pavilion._) - -_Basil._ Which of these two has made a--Gentleman of the -other. - -_Figaro._ Perhaps neither. - -_Count._ (_In the Pavilion._) Come forth, I say, shew -yourself. (_Enter, dragging out the_ PAGE, _still speaking, -and not looking at him till he gets on a line with the rest -of the Company_.) Happily, Madam, there is no Pledge of a -Union, now so justly detested.---- - -_Omnes._ The Page! - -_Guzman._ (_After all the rest._) The Pa-a-age! - -_Count._ Again! And again! And everlastingly this damn’d, -diabolical Page. (_Page flies to the other side of the -stage._) You shall find, however, he was not alone. - -_Page._ Ah, no! My lot would have been hard indeed then. - -_Count._ Enter Antonio, and drag the guilty Thing before -her Judge. - -_Antonio._ (_In the Pavilion._) Come, Madam, you must come -out; I must not let you go since my Lord knows you are here. - - - _Enter with his Daughter_, AGNES. - -_Omnes._ Agnes! - -_Guzman._ A-A-Agnes! - -_Antonio._ Odzooks, my Lord, its a pleasant Trick, enough, -to send me in, before all these good Folks, for my Daughter. - -_Count._ I’ll find her, I warrant. (_Going._) - -_Doctor._ (_Stopping the Count._) Pardon me, my Lord, but -you are too angry at present; let me go. - - (_Exit Doctor to the Pavilion._) - -_Guzman._ This Cause is very perplex’d. - -_Doctor._ (_Entering with Marcelina._) Fear nothing, Madam, -fear nothing. - -_Omnes._ Marcelina! - -_Figaro._ My Mother too! Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! - -_Count._ Where then is this Daughter of Infamy thus evades -my just Fury? - - - _Enter_ SUSAN, _with her Fan before her face_. - -Here she comes, at last; bearing her own Shame and my -Dishonour. (_Susan kneels to him, still hiding her Face._) - -_Omnes._ Pardon, pardon, gracious Lord! - -_Count._ No! No! No! (_They all fall on their knees._) No! -No! Were the World to kneel I would be deaf. - - - _Enter the_ COUNTESS _from the Pavilion on the right, and - kneels to the Count, whose back is turned to her_. - -_Countess._ At least I will make one of the Number. - - (_Susan drops her fan, the Count hears the - voice of the Countess, looks round, and - suddenly conceives the whole Trick they have - been playing him. All the Company burst into a - laugh: the Count’s shame, confusion, &c._) - -_Guzman._ (_Laughing stupidly_) Ha! ha! ha! ha! ’Tis the -Countess! - -_Count._ (_With great humility._) And--is it you my Lady? - -_Countess._ (_Inclines her body in token of Affirmation._) - -_Count._ (_Returning her bow with great confusion._) -Ah!--Yes!--Yes! A generous pardon--tho’ unmerited.---- - -_Countess._ Were you in my place, you would exclaim, No! -No! No! But I grant it without a single Stipulation. - -_Susan._ And I. - -_Figaro._ And I.--There are Echoes here. - -_Count._ (_Surprised_) I perceive--I perceive----I have -been rightly served. - -_Countess._ Here, Susan, here is the Purse and Ring, which -my Lord gave thee. He will remember thy sweet delicate -Fingers, so long and so small. - -_Susan._ Thank your Lordship--Here Figaro. - - (_Gives him the Purse._ - -_Figaro._ It was devilish hard to get at-- - -_Count._ (_To Susan_) And the Letter you wrote-- - -_Susan._ Was dictated by my Lady. - -_Count._ (_Smiling good naturedly._) Well, well! I am an -Answer in her Debt. - -_Figaro._ Thus every Man shall have his own. - -_Bounce._ And shall we throw the Stocking? - -_Countess._ There is the Garter. - - (_Throws down the Riband Hannibal had stolen in - the Morning; Bounce is going to stoop for it, - and the Page pushes him back._) - -_Page._ This is my Right, and if any one dare dispute it -with me---- - -_Count._ Indeed! Mr. Officer--So bold a Champion -already!--Pray how did your Valour like the Box on the Ear -I gave you just now? - -_Page._ (_With his Hand to his Sword_) Me! My Colonel? - -_Figaro._ Which I kindly received. - -_Count._ Thou! - -_Figaro._ I--And thus do the Great distribute Justice. - -_Count._ (_laughing_) Well, Mr. President, (_Don Guzman -instantly calls up all his Wisdom on finding himself -addressed_) what do you think of all these things? - -_Guzman._ Thi-ink, my Lord? (_Considers_) I--I think -that--I do-o-on’t know what to think. - -_Figaro._ I think, a few such Days as this would form an -excellent Ambassador--But lately I was a poor, deserted, -solitary Being, in this wide World, and now I have Gold, -Relations, and a handsome Wife---- - -_Doctor._ And Friends will flock in abundance. - -_Figaro._ Do you think so? - -_Doctor._ Oh I know so. - -_Figaro._ Well, let them, they shall be welcome to all I -have--My Wife and my Wealth excepted. - -_Susan._ - - Our Errors past, and all our Follies done, - Oh! That ’twere possible you might be won - To pardon Faults, and Misdemeanors smother, - With the same ease we pardon One-another! - So should we rest, To-night, devoid of Sorrow, - And hope to meet you, joyously, To-morrow. - - -THE END. - - - - - TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE - - A few obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors - have been corrected after careful comparison with other - occurrences within the text and consultation of external - sources. - - Except for those changes noted below, all misspellings in - the text, and inconsistent or archaic usage, have been - retained. - - Pg 10: Speaker name ‘Marcelino’ replaced by ‘Marcelina’. - Pg 17: ‘Gardiner’s daughter’ replaced by ‘Gardener’s daughter’. - Pg 17: ‘my drunken Gardiner’ replaced by ‘my drunken Gardener’. - Pg 18: ‘wish hm so much’ replaced by ‘wish him so much’. - Pg 21: ‘young Hanibal the’ replaced by ‘young Hannibal the’. - Pg 25: ‘COUNTESS’s Bed-Chmber’ replaced by - ‘COUNTESS’s Bed-Chamber’. - Pg 27: ‘by the Pavillion’ replaced by ‘by the Pavilion’. - Pg 29: ‘will not, Marcellina’ replaced by ‘will not, Marcelina’. - Pg 43: ‘you malicicious little’ replaced by - ‘you malicious little’. - Pg 45: ‘the Gardiner, with’ replaced by ‘the Gardener, with’. - Pg 48: ‘and eadeavours to’ replaced by ‘and endeavours to’. - Pg 50: Speaker name ‘Antanio’ replaced by ‘Antonio’. - Pg 64: ‘Angelica-Mustacio’ replaced by ‘Angelica-Mustachio’. - Pg 64: ‘Gentleman who are’ replaced by ‘Gentlemen who are’. - Pg 66: ‘Again, the the word’ replaced by ‘Again, the word’. - Pg 76: ‘honest ple’ replaced by ‘honest people’. - Pg 83: ‘Girl, ealed with’ replaced by ‘Girl, sealed with’. - Pg 90: Missing speaker name ‘Agnes’ inserted. - Pg 92: ‘those who who have’ replaced by ‘those who have’. - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FOLLIES OF A DAY; OR, THE -MARRIAGE OF FIGARO *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Follies of a Day; or, The Marriage of Figaro, by Thomas Holcroft</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<table style='min-width:0; padding:0; margin-left:0; border-collapse:collapse'> - <tr><td>Title:</td><td>The Follies of a Day; or, The Marriage of Figaro</td></tr> - <tr><td></td><td>A Comedy, as it is now performing at the Theatre-Royal, Covent-Garden. From the French of M. de Beaumarchais</td></tr> -</table> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Pierre-Augustin Caron de Beaumarchais</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Translator: Thomas Holcroft</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: March 28, 2021 [eBook #64953]</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: MFR, John Campbell and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This book was produced from images made available by the HathiTrust Digital Library.)</div> - -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FOLLIES OF A DAY; OR, THE MARRIAGE OF FIGARO ***</div> - - -<div class="transnote"> -<p class="bold">TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE</p> - -<p>Original stage directions were usually in italic and placed in -parentheses ( ). A few inconsistencies—no closing parenthesis, use -of [ instead of (, no italic—have been left unchanged.</p> - -<p>Stage directions were usually right-aligned with varying indentation -on the left, sometimes beginning on the same line as the dialog, -sometimes on a new line. This etext generally puts them on a new -right-aligned line(s) with an indentation on the left of several spaces. -They have been kept in-line with the dialog when it made sense to do so.</p> - -<p>As noted under the list of <a href="#DRAM">Dramatis Personæ</a> ‘The -Passages put between inverted Commas are omitted in the -Representation’—meaning that this marked dialog was -omitted by the actors in the Theatre-Royal production -of the play. These passages are marked with <span class="omitted">a -small font and bold weighting</span> in this etext. The inverted commas -are shown as opening and closing double quotes: <span class="nowrap">“ and ”.</span> -Redundant inverted commas at the beginning of lines have -been removed.</p> - -<p>The original text used the longform ſ, replaced here by the modern s.</p> - -<p>The Table of Contents has been created and inserted by the transcriber.</p> - -<p class="customcover">The cover image was created by the transcriber -and is placed in the public domain.</p> - -<p>Some minor corrections to the text are noted at <a href="#TN">the end of the book</a>.</p> -</div> - - -<div class="figcenter illowp60" id="act1" style="max-width: 25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/act1.jpg" alt="" /> - <div class="caption transnote">Image of the first page of dialog<br />in the original 1785 book.</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="tpage"> - -<h1> -<span class="fs60 lsp2">THE</span><br /> - -<span class="fs150">FOLLIES <span class="allsmcap">OF A</span> DAY;</span><br /> - -<span class="fs60 lsp2">OR, THE</span><br /> - -MARRIAGE <span class="allsmcap">OF</span> FIGARO.</h1> - -<p> -<span class="fs135">A COMEDY,</span><br /> - -<span class="fs70 lsp">AS IT IS NOW PERFORMING AT THE</span><br /> - -<span class="fs135">THEATRE-ROYAL,</span><br /> - -<span class="fs120">COVENT-GARDEN.</span><br /> - -<span class="fs70">FROM THE</span><br /> - -<span class="fs100 lsp">FRENCH OF M. DE BEAUMARCHAIS.</span><br /> - -<span class="fs135 lsp"><span class="smcap">By</span> THOMAS HOLCROFT.</span><br /> -</p> -</div> - -<p class="pfs70 lsp lht">AUTHOR OF DUPLICITY, A COMEDY, THE NOBLE<br /> -PEASANT, AN OPERA, &C. -</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowe17" id="i_sep"> - <img class="w100" src="images/i_sep.jpg" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p class="pfs100 lsp2">LONDON:</p> - -<p class="pfs120">Printed for G. G. J. and J. <span class="lsp">ROBINSON</span>,<br /> -<span class="smcap">Pater-noster Row</span>.</p> - -<p class="pfs80">M DCC LXXXV.</p> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> -<div class="chapter"> - -<h2 class="nobreak transnote" id="CONTENTS">TABLE OF CONTENTS.</h2> -</div> - - -<table class="autotable transnote" width="50%" summary=""> -<tr> -<td class="tdl"><a href="#PROLOGUE">PROLOGUE,</a></td> -<td class="tdr">Page vii</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl"><a href="#ACT_I">ACT I.</a></td> -<td class="tdr">1</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl"><a href="#ACT_II">ACT II.</a></td> -<td class="tdr">25</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl"><a href="#ACT_III">ACT III.</a></td> -<td class="tdr">53</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl"><a href="#ACT_IV">ACT IV.</a></td> -<td class="tdr">74</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl"><a href="#ACT_V">ACT V.</a></td> -<td class="tdr">90</td> -</tr> -</table> - - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_iii"></a>[Pg iii]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="ADVERTISEMENT">ADVERTISEMENT.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="drop-capy">Though to thank the Public is to thank -nobody, since no particular Person takes -this Sort of Compliments to himself, yet -were I not to feel that Gratitude, which -individually I know not where to pay, I were -unworthy of past, of present, or of future -Favours.</p> - -<p>An Author’s Thanks to the World at -large may be seen under two very different -Aspects: For, to thank the Public is to tell -the Public he is successful; which, supposing -it true, it would be strange if they did not already -know; it appears therefore only to be -taking an Opportunity of indulging his Vanity: -And yet to thank them seems his -Duty, since his Silence might not only be -construed a want of Respect, but an arrogant -Self-confidence that, when they applauded or -approved his Work, they only did him justice. -The Reader must determine which of -these Faces he will please to view.</p> - -<p>I am so well convinced that the best Writer -stands in need of Indulgence, and that he<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_iv"></a>[iv]</span> -only does well by Comparison, and might -do much better, that I shall find little Mortification -in subscribing to the Opinions of -those who shall tell me I am in this latter -Predicament.</p> - -<p>Readers are divided into two Classes; the -one will allow an Author much more than -he merits, and the other much less; but -the principal Excellencies of <i>The Follies of a -Day</i> are so known to be another’s Right, -that for me to claim them would be ridiculous. -Some, however, have affirmed that it -is a mere Translation, who have never seen, -read, or heard the Original; if they had, indeed, -they would have been still more culpable. -Few will trouble themselves to examine -the precise Extent of my Claims; nor, -if they did, would they have an Opportunity -’till M. <i>de Beaumarchais</i> shall think proper to -publish <span class="smcap">La Folle Journée</span>. The Public -in general are so willing to overlook Defects, -and applaud wherever they can, that to complain -of, or be angry at the Few who seek for, -and wish to find, Errors only, can proceed alone -from that Self-love which is so inherent and<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_v"></a>[v]</span> -irritable in all bosoms, and so difficult to -subdue.</p> - -<p>To enumerate all the Obstacles encountered -and overcome in bringing this Comedy -on the English Stage, would be to indulge -this Vanity; which it is every wise Man’s -Pride, and every prudent Man’s Interest to -resist. It may, however, afford some Pleasure -to be informed, that, finding it impossible -to procure a Copy of the original French, -though a Journey to Paris was undertaken -expressly for that Purpose, the Copy made -use of in the composing <i>The Follies of a Day</i>, -was taken by Memory, only, during eight or -nine Representations; that I furnished the -Plot, Incidents, Entrances, and Exits, and -gave some other occasional Hints; that the -remainder was the Work of a young Frenchman, -whose Talents and whose Heart are -an Ornament and an Honour to his Country; -and that, after it was brought to <i>England</i> -and received by Mr. <i>Harris</i>, it was -translated, cast, copied, recopied, studied, -and, in one of its longest Parts, re-studied, -and played in little more than a Month.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_vi"></a>[vi]</span> -The Attention and Care of Mr. <i>Harris</i>, and -the Merits of the respective Performers in -playing, as they did, under such Circumstances, -need not my Encomiums. Had the -Town known the peculiar Exertions, of those -especially who performed the longest and most -essential Parts, the applause would have been -endless. From me they are justly entitled to -my warmest and sincerest Thanks.</p> - -<p class="p2"> -<span class="smcap">Upper Mary-le-Bone Street,<br /> -<span class="pad4">Feb. 21, 1785.</span></span><br /> -</p> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_vii"></a>[vii]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="PROLOGUE">PROLOGUE,</h2> -</div> - -<p class="center">Spoken by Mr. <span class="lsp">DAVIES</span>.</p> - - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="drop-capy indent3">To-night, a Child of Chance is hither brought,</div> - <div class="verse indent2h">Who could be neither <i>borrow’d</i>, <i>begg’d</i>, nor <i>bought</i>;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Nay, so alert was said to be the Droll,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Twas well affirm’d he was not to be <i>stole</i>;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But hence dispatch’d, back’d by Apollo’s warrant,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A messenger has <i>kidnapp’d</i> this Wag-errant;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Poetic Fugitive, has hither dragg’d him,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And, safely here arriv’d, has now ungagg’d him,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To plead before this Court, his whole amenance;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Where, should you sentence him to public Penance,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Oh, sad reverse! how would he foam and fret,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And sigh for Paris and his sweet <i>Soubrette</i>!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Where twice ten thousand tongues are proud to greet him,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And wing’d Applause, on tip-toe, stands to meet him;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Where the grim Guard, in nightly rapture, stands,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And grounds his musquet to get at his hands;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Where the retentive Pitt, all prone t’adore him,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Repeat his <i>Bon mots</i> half a bar before him;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">While every <i>Bel-Esprit</i>, at every hit,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Grows fifty-fold more conscious of his Wit.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent2">If <i>far fetch’d and dear bought</i> give Trifles worth,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Sure you’ll applaud our <span class="smcap">Figaro</span>’s second birth.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Nought of his present merit must we say;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Bear but in mind, <span class="allsmcap">OUR</span> Day’s a <span class="smcap">Spanish</span> Day.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Cupid, in warmer Climes, urg’d by the Grape,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Calls not each petty violence a Rape!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But oft his Votaries leaves intoxicate,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Hence <span class="smcap">Figaro</span> himself is illegitimate.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent2">Sanction’d by you, howe’er, this little Blot,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So much in fashion, will be soon forgot;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That Signature which each kind hand bestows,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Shall make him well receiv’d where’er he goes!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<h2 class="p2 nobreak fs135" id="DRAM">DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.</h2> -</div> - -<table class="autotable" width="70%" summary=""> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Count Almaviva,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Lewis</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Don Guzman,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Quick</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Doctor Bartholo,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Wilson</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Figaro,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Bonnor</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Antonio,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Edwin</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Basil,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Wewitzer</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Doublefee,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Thompson</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Bounce,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Stevens</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Courier,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Jones</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Crier of the Court,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Bates</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Servant,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mr. <span class="smcap">Newton</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Page,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mrs. <span class="smcap">Martyr</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Countess,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mrs. <span class="smcap">Bates</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Marcelina,</td> -<td class="tdl">Mrs. <span class="smcap">Webb</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Agnes,</td> -<td class="tdl">Miss <span class="smcap">Wewitzer</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Susan,</td> -<td class="tdl">Miss <span class="smcap">Younge</span>.</td> -</tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdc" colspan="2">Counsellors, Guards, Vassals.</td> -</tr> -</table> - -<p class="p2 pad4 pfs120"><span class="fs120">☞</span> <i>The Passages put between inverted Commas are omitted -in the Representation.</i></p> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - - <div class="width30"> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_1"></a>[Pg 1]</span><br /></p> - -<p class="p2 pfs120 lsp2">THE</p> - -<p class="p1 pfs240">FOLLIES <span class="allsmcap">OF A</span> DAY.</p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter illowe17" id="i_sep2"> - <img class="w100" src="images/i_sep.jpg" alt="" /> -</div> - -<h2 class="nobreak lsp2" id="ACT_I">ACT I.</h2> - - -<p class="center">SCENE, the Castle of Count ALMAVIVA.</p> - -<p class="center"><span class="lsp">FIGARO</span> <i>and</i> <span class="lsp">SUSAN</span>.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Figaro measuring the chamber with a wand.</i>)</p> -</div> - - -<p><i>Figaro.</i></p> -<p class="moveup drop-capy">Eighteen feet by twenty-six, good.</p> - -<p class="p1"><i>Susan.</i> What art thou so busy about?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Measuring, to try if the bed our noble -Lord intends to give us will stand well here.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> In this chamber!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Yes.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I won’t lie in this chamber.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Why so?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I tell you I won’t lie in this chamber.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Well but——</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I don’t like it.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Your reason.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_2"></a>[2]</span></p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> What if I have no reason?—What if I -don’t chuse to give my reason?</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Ah, ah!—Thus it is when once they -think they have us fast.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Are you, or are you not my most obedient -very humble servant?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Your slave——(<i>Bows very low.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Oh!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “But wherefore take exception to the -most convenient room in the whole house?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Yes, yes!—The most convenient!—(<i>Satirically.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “If during the night my Lady should -be taken ill, she rings her bell, and crack!—in -two steps—thou art standing at her side.—In -the morning when my Lord wakes, he calls, -I start, and pop—three skips and I am there.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Very true—And in the morning when -my Lord has sent thee on some fine errand of an -hour long, he starts from his bed as soon as Mr. -Figaro’s back is turn’d, and crack!—in three -skips—he—(<i>significantly.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “He?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Yes—he——</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “(<i>Keeps rubbing his forehead and looking -at Susan.</i>) He!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “He!——Dost thou feel any thing?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “(<i>Presses his finger and thumb against his -forehead</i>) Buttons!—In pairs!——Mushrooms -sprout not so suddenly—Yes, yes—it’s a fruitful -spot.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Thou knowest how our <i>generous</i> Count -when he by thy help obtained Rosina’s hand, and -made her Countess of Almaviva, during the first -transports of love abolished a certain gothic -right——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_3"></a>[3]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Of sleeping the first night with every -Bride.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Which as Lord of the Manor he could -claim.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Know it!—To be sure I do, or I would -not have married even my charming Susan in his -Domain.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Tired of prowling among the rustic beauties -of the neighbourhood he returned to the -Castle—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And his wife.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And <i>thy</i> wife—(<i>Figaro stares</i>)—Dost thou -understand me?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Perfectly!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And endeavours, once more, secretly to -purchase from her, a right which he now most sincerely -repents he ever parted with.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Most gracious Penitent!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> This is what he hints to me every instant, -and this the faithful Basil, honest agent of -his pleasures, and my most noble music master, -every day repeats with my lesson.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Basil!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Basil.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Indeed! But if tough ashen plant or -supple-jack twine not round thy lazy sides, Rascal—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Ha, ha, ha! Why wert thou ever wise -enough to imagine the portion the Count intends -to give us was meant as a reward for thy services?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I think I had some reason to hope as -much.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Lord, lord! What great fools are you -men of wit!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I believe so.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I am sure so.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_4"></a>[4]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh that it were possible to deceive this -arch Deceiver, this Lord of mine! To lead him -into some excellent snare, pocket his gold and—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Hah! Now thou art in thy element—Gold -and intrigue—Plots and purses—But let him that -diggeth a pit beware he—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I’ll try—<span class="omitted">“The Lover’s jealousy and the -Husband’s shame shall not deter me”</span>—Your trick, -most noble Count, is common place—A thousand -blundering Boobies have had art enough to filch -a Wife from the side of her sleeping, simple, unsuspecting -Spouse, and if he complained, to redress -his injuries with a cudgel—But to turn the tables -on this Poacher, make him pay for a delicious -morsel he shall never taste, infect him with fears -for his own honor, to—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>The bell rings</i>) Hark! My Lady is awake—I -must run, for she has several times strictly -charged me to be the first at her bedside the morning -of my marriage.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Why the first?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> The old saying tells us, that to meet a -young Bride the first on the morning of her wedding-day -is lucky to a neglected wife. (<i>Going.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Prithee, my Susan, give me a kiss before -thou goest—It will quicken my wits, and lend imagination -a new impulse.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> To be sure!—But if I kiss my Lover to-day -what will my Husband say to me to-morrow? -(<i>seems to refuse, Figaro kisses her</i>). Pshaw Figaro! -when wilt thou cease to trifle thus from morning -till night (<i>playfully</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> When I may trifle from night to morning -(<i>in the same tone</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> There, there—There’s all the kisses I -shall give.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Kisses her hand at him and runs, he pursues -to the side.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_5"></a>[5]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Stop, stop, you cheating little knave; -that was not the way you received them. (<i>Returns</i>) -A sweet Girl! An Angel! Such wit! Such grace! -and so much prudence and modesty too!—I am a -happy fellow!—So Mr. Basil! Is it me, Rascal, you -mean to practice the tricks of your trade upon?—I’ll -teach you to put your spoon in my milk—But -hold—Dissemble is the word—Feign we ignorance -and endeavour to catch them in their own -traps—I wondered why the Count, who had made -me Steward and Inspector-general of the Castle, -should change his mind so suddenly, and want to -take me with him on his embassy to Paris, there -to institute me his Messenger in ordinary—A cunning -contrivance that—He, Plenipotentiary in chief, -I, a break-neck Politician, and Susan, Lady of the -back-stairs, Ambassadress of the bed-chamber—I -dashing through thick and thin and wearing myself -to a skeleton, for the good of my most gracious -Lord’s family, and he labouring, night and -day, for the increase of mine—Really, most honorable -Count, you are too kind—What to represent -his Majesty and me both at once—It’s too much, -too much by half——A moment’s reflection friend -Figaro on the events of the day—First, thou must -promote the Sports and Feasting already projected, -that appearances may not cool, but that thy Marriage -may proceed with greater certainty; next, -keep off one madam Marcelina, whose liquorish -mouth waters at thee, and to whom thou hast given -a Promise of Marriage, in default of the repayment -of certain borrowed Sums which it would be -very convenient to thy affairs never more to mention—Talk -of the Devil and——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_6"></a>[6]</span></p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter Doctor</i> BARTHOLO <i>and</i> MARCELINA.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Good-morrow to Mr. Bridegroom.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Good-morrow to madam Marcelina—What! -My old fat friend the Doctor! Are you -there?</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Yes, Knave’s face.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> As witty, I perceive, and no doubt as -wise as ever—And have you been complaisant -enough to come thus far to see me married?</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> To see thee hang’d.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Most kind Doctor—But who takes care -of your Mule? I know you have as much mercy -on your Beast as you have on your Patient.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Do you hear him?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And you, gentle Marcelina, do you still -wish to marry me—What, because I cannot fall in -love with you, would you drive me to hate you?</p> - -<p class="right">[<i>Exit Figaro.</i></p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> The Rascal will never mend.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> ’Tis you, Doctor, will never -mend—<span class="omitted">“You are so eternally wise, dull and slow, -that when a Patient has need of your assistance -he may die before you get to him, like as formerly -your Mistress got married in spite of your -precautions.”</span></p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Was it to entertain me thus agreeably -that you sent for me in such haste from Seville?</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Not entirely for that.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> What then—Is any body ill? Is the -Count indisposed?</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> No, it is the Countess who is indisposed.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> What the artful, the deceitful Rosina? -What’s her disorder?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_7"></a>[7]</span></p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> A faithless Husband.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> A very common complaint indeed.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> The Count forsakes her, and falls in -love with every fresh face.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> I am glad of it—I am glad of it—I -foresaw it—I thought Count Almaviva would revenge -the wrongs of Doctor Bartholo.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> After toying with a thousand neighbouring -Beauties, he now returns to the castle to -terminate the marriage of Susan and Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Which he himself has made necessary.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina</i>. Oh no—But at which he wishes to -act rather as a Principal than an Agent.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> In private with the Bride.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Even so.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> She I suppose has no great objection.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Charitable Doctor—Basil, however, -her music master, who takes great pains to instruct -her, says to the contrary.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Basil! What is that other Rascal here -too?—Why the house is a den of Thieves—What -does he do here?</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> All the mischief he can—He persecutes -me with his odious love unceasingly; I cannot -get rid of him.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Marry him—I’ll answer for his cure.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> That’s what he wants—But pray -Doctor, why will not you get rid of me by the -same means? The claims of Justice and oaths out -of number should—</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> So so so so—What is the matrimonial -furor come upon you again?</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Our long lost son, Fernando! the -dear pledge of my virgin love! were he but found, -perhaps—</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> And so you sent for me to hear this -stale rhodomontade?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_8"></a>[8]</span></p> - -<p><span class="omitted"><i>Marcelina.</i> “And are you, now you have -lost your Rosina, as inflexible and unjust as -ever?”</span></p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Pshaw!</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Well—Since you are determined never -to marry me yourself, will you have the complaisance -to aid me in marrying another?</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> With all my heart!—With all my heart!—</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Ah! (<i>curtsies</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> But who?—What miserable Mortal, -abandoned of Heaven and Women—</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Who but the amiable, the gay, the -ever sprightly Figaro?</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Figaro! That Rascal!</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Youthful and generous!</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> As a Highwayman.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> As a Nobleman—</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Pshaw, impossible! what on the very -day he is going to marry another?</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “Things more improbable have -come to pass.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “But your motive?</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “For you, Doctor, I have no secrets.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “Women seldom have for Doctors.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “I own our sex, though timid, is -ardent in the pursuit of pleasure. There is, in -all our bosoms, a small still voice which unceasing -cries—Woman, be as beautiful as thou -canst, as virtuous as thou wilt, but, at all -events, be conspicuous, be talk’d about; for -thy Wisdom, if thou hast it—if not for thy Folly.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “She utters Oracles—Well, well, accomplish -this, and I will engage you shall be -talk’d about.”</p> - </div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_9"></a>[9]</span></p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> We must endeavour to work upon -Susan by fear and shame, for the more obstinately -she refuses the amorous offers of the Count, the -more effectually she will serve our purpose; disappointment -and revenge will lead him to support -my cause, and as he is sovereign Judge in his own -Lordship, his power may make Figaro’s promise of -marriage to me valid.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Promise—Has he given you any such -promise?</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> A written one—You shall see it.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> By Galen, this is excellent! The rascal -shall marry my old House-keeper, and I shall be -revenged for the tricks he lately played me, and -the hundred pistoles he contrived to cheat me -of.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> (<i>transported</i>) Yes, yes, Doctor! I -shall have him! He shall marry me! He shall -marry me!</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> SUSAN, <i>with a gown on her arm, and a -cap and riband of the Countess, in her hand</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Marry you! Who is to marry you? Not -my Figaro, I assure you, madam.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Why not me, as soon as you, madam?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Indeed! your most obedient, madam.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> (<i>aside</i>) So now for a merry scolding -match.—We were saying, handsome Susan, how -happy Figaro must be in such a Bride—</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Susan curtsies to the Doctor.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Not to mention the secret satisfaction -of my Lord the Count.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Dear madam, you are so abundantly -kind.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_10"></a>[10]</span></p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Not so abundant in kindness, as a -liberal young Lord—But I own it is very natural, -he should partake the pleasures he so freely bestows -upon his Vassals.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>half angry</i>) Partake—Happily madam, -your Envy is as obvious, and your Slander as -false, as your Claims on Figaro are weak and ill -founded.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><ins class="corr" id="tn-10" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'Marcelino'"> -<i>Marcelina.</i></ins> “If they are weak, it is because I -wanted the art to strengthen them, after the -manner of madam.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Yet madam has ever been reckoned a -mistress of her art.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “I hope, madam, I shall always -have your good word, <i>madam</i>. (<i>Curtsies.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Oh, I can assure you, madam, you have -nothing to regret on that score, <i>madam</i>.” (<i>Curtsies mockingly.</i>)</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> The young Lady is really a very -pretty kind of Person—(<i>with a contemptuous side glance.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Oh yes (<i>mimicking</i>) The young Lady is at -least as pretty as the old Lady.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “And very respectable.</p> - -<p>Susan. “Respectable! Oh no, that is the characteristic -of a Duenna.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “A Duenna! A Duenna!</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> (<i>coming between them</i>) “Come, come—</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “I—I—You—your very humble -servant, <i>madam</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Your most devoted, <i>madam</i>.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Farewell, <i>madam</i>.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt Doctor and Marcelina.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Adieu, <i>madam</i>—this old Sibyl, because -she formerly tormented the infancy of my Lady, -thinks she has a right to domineer over every<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_11"></a>[11]</span> -person in the Castle—I declare I have forgot what -I came for.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Susan bangs the gown on a great arm -chair that stands in the room, and keeps the cap -and riband of the Countess in her hand.</i>)</p> -</div> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> HANNIBAL <i>the Page, running</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> So, Youth! What do you do here?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Good morrow, Susan—I have been -watching these two hours to find you alone.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Well, what have you to say, now you -have found me?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> (<i>Childishly amorous</i>) How does your -beauteous Lady do, Susan?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Very well.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> (<i>Poutingly</i>) Do you know, Susan, my -Lord is going to send me back to my Pappa and -Mamma?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Poor Child!</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Child indeed!—Umph!—And if my -charming God-mother, your dear Lady, cannot -obtain my pardon, I shall soon be deprived of -the pleasure of your company, Susan.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Upon my word!—He is toying all day -long with Agnes, and is, moreover, in love with -my Lady, and then comes to tell me he shall -be deprived of my company. (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Agnes is good natured enough to listen -to me, and that is more than you are, Susan, for -all I love you so.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Love me!—Why you amorous little villain, -you are in love with every Woman you -meet.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> So I am, Susan, and I can’t help it—If -no-body is by, I swear it to the trees, the waters, -and the winds, nay, to myself—Yesterday I happened -to meet Marcelina—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_12"></a>[12]</span></p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Marcelina! Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Why, she is a Woman, Susan.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> And what’s more, unmarried? Oh how -sweet are the words Woman, Maiden, and Love, -in my ear!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Ha! ha! ha!—He’s bewitch’d!—And -what is the Count going to send you from the -Castle for?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Last night, you must know, he caught me -in the chamber with Agnes; begone, said he, thou -little—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Little what?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Lord, he called me such a name, I can’t -for shame repeat it before a woman.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And what were you doing in the chamber -of Agnes?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Teaching her her part.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Her part?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Yes, the love scene, you know, she is to -play in the Comedy this evening.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Which my Lord would chuse to teach -her himself. (<i>aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Agnes is very kind, Susan.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Well, well, I’ll tell the Countess what -you say—But you are a little more circumspect in -her presence.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Ah Susan, she is a Divinity! How noble -is her manner! Her very smiles are awful!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> That is to say, you can take what liberties -you please with such people as me.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Oh how do I envy thy happiness, Susan! -Always near her! Dressing her every morning! -Undressing her every evening! Putting her to bed! -Touching her! Looking at her! Speaking to—What -is it thou hast got there, Susan?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Counterfeiting the amorous air, and animated<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_13"></a>[13]</span> -tone of the Page.</i>) It is the fortunate riband -of the happy cap, which at night enfolds the -auburn ringlets of the beauteous Countess.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Give it me—Nay, give it me—I will have -it.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> But I say you shan’t (<i>the Page snatches it, -and runs round the great chair, dodging Susan</i>) Oh my -riband!</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Be as angry as thou wilt, but thou shalt -<i>never</i> have it again, thou shouldst have one of my -eyes rather.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I can venture to predict, young gentleman, -that three or four years hence, thou wilt be -one of the most deceitful veriest Knaves—</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> If thou dost not hold thy tongue, Susan, -I’ll kiss thee into the bargain.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Kiss me!—Do not come near me, if thou -lov’st thy ears—I say, beg my Lord to forgive you, -indeed! No I assure you—<span class="omitted">“I shall say to him, -you do very right, my Lord, to send this little -Rascal packing, who is not only in love with -my Lady, but wants to kiss other folks into the -bargain.”</span></p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> <span class="omitted">“How can I help it, Susan”?</span> Here, take -this paper.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> For what?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> It contains a Song I have written on thy -beauteous Lady, my charming God-mother.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>without</i>) Jaquez.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Ah! I’m undone!—’Tis my Lord!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The -Page crouches down, and hides himself behind -Susan’s petticoats and the great chair.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_14"></a>[14]</span></p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> Count ALMAVIVA.</p> -</div> - -<p class="right">(<i>Page remains hid behind the great chair.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> So, charming Susan, have I found thee -at last? But thou seemest frightened my little -Beauty.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Consider, my Lord, if any body should -come and catch you here—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> That would be rather mal-a-propos; -but there’s no great danger.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>The Count offers to kiss Susan.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Fie, my Lord!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Count seats himself -in the great chair, and endeavours to pull Susan -on his knee, who resists.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Thou knowest, my charming Susan, the -King has done me the honour to appoint me -Ambassador to the court of Paris. I shall take Figaro -with me, and give him a very—<i>excellent</i> -post; and as it is the duty of a Wife to follow -her Husband, we shall then have every opportunity -we could wish.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I really don’t understand you, my Lord. -I thought your affection for my Lady, whom you -took so much pains to steal from her old Guardian, -Dr. Bartholo, and for love of whom you generously -abolished a certain vile privilege.—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> For which all the young girls are very -sorry; are they not?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> No indeed, my Lord—I thought, my -Lord, I say—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Prithee say no more, my sweet Susan, -but promise thou wilt meet me this evening, at -twilight, by the Pavilion in the garden; and be -certain, that if thou wilt but grant me this small -favour, nothing thou canst ask shall—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_15"></a>[15]</span></p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> (<i>without.</i>) He is not in his own room.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Heavens! Here’s somebody coming! -Where can I hide! Is there no place here?</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The -Count runs to get behind the great chair, Susan -keeps between him and the Page, who steals away as -the Count advances, leaps into the great chair, -with his legs doubled under him, and is covered -over with the Countess’s gown, by Susan.</i>)</p> -</div> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> BASIL.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Ah, Susan, Good morrow—Is my lord -the Count here?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Here! What should he be here for?</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Nay, there would be no miracle in it -if he were: would there, hey gentle Susan? -(<i>Smiles and leers at her.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> It would be a greater miracle to see -you honest.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Figaro is in search of him.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Then he is in search of the man who -wishes most to injure him—yourself excepted.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> It is strange, that a man should injure -the Husband by obliging the Wife.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>The Count peeps from behind the great chair.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> I shall hear, now, how well he pleads my -cause.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> For my part, Marriage being, of all serious -things, the greatest Farce, I imagined—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> All manner of wickedness.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> That though you are obliged to fast to-day, -you might be glad to feed to-morrow, grace -being first duly said.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Be gone, and do not shock my ears with -your vile principles.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_16"></a>[16]</span></p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Yes, my pretty Susan, but you must not -suppose I am the dupe of these fine appearances. -I know it isn’t Figaro who is the great obstacle -to my Lord’s happiness, but a certain beardless -Page, whom I surprised here, this morning, looking -for you as I entered.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I wish you would be gone, you wicked—Devil.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Wicked Devil! Ah, one is a wicked Devil -for not shutting one’s eyes.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I wish you would be gone, I tell you.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Was it not for you that he wrote the -Song, which he goes chanting up and down the -house, at every instant?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> O yes! For me, to be sure!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> At least it was either for you, or your -Lady.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> What next?</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Why really, when he sits at table, he does -cast certain very significant glances towards a -beauteous Countess, who shall be nameless—But -let him beware! If my Lord catches him at his -tricks, he’ll make him dance without music.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Nobody, but such a wicked creature as -you, could ever invent such scandalous tales, to -the ruin of a poor Youth, who has unhappily -fallen into his Lord’s disgrace.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> I invent! Why it is in every body’s -mouth.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>The Count discovers himself, and comes forward.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> How! In every body’s mouth!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Zounds.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Run, Basil, let him have fifty pistoles -and a horse given him, and sent back to his friends -instantly.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_17"></a>[17]</span></p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> I’m very sorry, my Lord, I happened to -speak—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I’m quite suffocated.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Susan seems almost -ready to faint, the Count supports her, and Basil -assists.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Let us seat her in this great chair, -Basil.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Frightened, and exclaims</i>) No!—I won’t -sit down!——(<i>After a pause</i>)—This wicked fellow -has ruined the poor boy.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> I assure you, my Lord, what I said, was -only meant to sound Susan.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> No matter, he shall depart! A little, -wanton, impudent Rascal, that I meet at every -turning—No longer ago than yesterday I surprised -him with the <ins class="corr" id="tn-17" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'Gardiner’s daughter'"> -Gardener’s daughter</ins>.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Agnes?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> In her very bed-chamber.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Where my Lord happened to have business -himself.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Hem!—I was going there to seek your -uncle Antonio, Susan, <ins class="corr" id="tn-17a" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'my drunken Gardiner'"> -my drunken Gardener</ins>; I -knock’d at the door, and waited some time; at -last Agnes came, with confusion in her countenance—I -entered, cast a look round, and perceiving -a kind of long Cloak, or Curtain, or some -such thing, approach’d, and without seeming to -take the least notice, drew it gently aside, thus—Hey!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Zounds!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Count, during his speech, approaches -the arm chair, and acting his description -draws aside the gown that hides the Page. They -all stand motionless with surprise, for some time.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Why, this is a better trick than t’other!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_18"></a>[18]</span></p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> No!—I won’t sit down! (<i>Mimicking Susan.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>To Susan</i>) And so it was to receive this -pretty Youth, that you were so desirous of being -alone—And you, you little Villain, what you don’t -intend to mend your manners then? But forgetting -all respect for your friend Figaro, and for the -Countess your Godmother, likewise, you are endeavouring -here to seduce her favourite woman! -I, however (<i>turning towards Basil</i>) shall not -suffer Figaro, a man—whom—I <i>esteem—sincerely</i>—to -fall the Victim of such deceit—Did he enter -with you, Basil?</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> No, my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> There is neither Victim nor deceit in the -case, my Lord. He was here when you entered.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> I hope that’s false: his greatest Enemy -could not <ins class="corr" id="tn-18" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'wish hm so much'"> -wish him so much</ins> mischief.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Knowing that you were angry with him, -the poor Boy came running to me, begging me to -solicit my Lady in his favor, in hopes she might -engage you to forgive him; but was so terrified, -as soon as he heard you coming, that he hid himself -in the great Chair.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> A likely story—I sat down in it, as soon -as I came in.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Yes, my Lord, but I was then trembling -behind it.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> That’s false, again, for I hid myself behind -it, when Basil entered.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> (<i>Timidly</i>) Pardon me, my Lord, but as -you approach’d, I retired, and crouched down -as you now see me.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Angrily</i>) It’s a little Serpent that glides<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_19"></a>[19]</span> -into every crevice—And he has been listening too -to our discourse!</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Indeed, my Lord, I did all I could not to -hear a word.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>To Susan</i>) There is no Figaro, no -Husband for you, however.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Somebody is coming; get down.</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter the</i> COUNTESS, FIGARO, AGNES, <i>and</i> -VASSALS, <i>in their holiday cloaths</i>. Figaro <i>carrying -the nuptial cap—The</i> Count <i>runs and plucks the -Page from the great chair, just as they enter</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What! Would you continue crouching -there before the whole world?</p> - -<p class="right"><i>(The Count and Countess salute.</i></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> We are come, my Lord, to beg a favour, -which we hope, for your Lady’s sake, you will -grant. (<i>Aside to Susan</i>) Be sure to second what I -say.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> It will end in nothing. (<i>Aside.</i></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> No matter: let us try, at least. (<i>Aside.</i></p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> You see, my Lord, I am supposed to -have a much greater degree of influence over you -than I really possess.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Oh no, my Lady; not an atom, I assure -you.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Presenting the cap to the Count</i>) Our petition -is, that the Bride may have the honor of -receiving from our worthy Lord’s hand, this Nuptial-Cap; -ornamented with half-blown roses, and -white ribbands, Symbols of the purity of his intentions.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Do they mean to laugh at me? (<i>Aside.</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_20"></a>[20]</span></p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “And as you have been kindly pleased -to abolish that abominable right, which, as -Lord of the Manor, you might have claimed, -permit us, your Vassals, to celebrate your praise, -in a rustic Chorus I have prepared for this occasion. -The Virtues of so good a master -should not remain unsung.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “A Lover, a Poet, and a Musician!—These -titles, Figaro, might perhaps merit our -indulgence, if”—</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Let me beg, my Lord, you will not -deny their request: in the name of that Love -you once had for me.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And have still, Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Join with me, my friends.</p> - -<p><i>Omnes.</i> My Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Why should your Lordship refuse Eulogiums -which you merit so well?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Oh the Traitress. (<i>Aside</i>) Well, well,—I -consent.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Look at her, my Lord; never could a -more beauteous Bride better prove the greatness of -the sacrifice you have made.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Oh do not speak of my Beauty, but of -his Lordship’s Virtues.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> My Virtues!—Yes, yes,—I see they understand -each other. (<i>Aside</i>) Who can tell me where -is Marcelina?</p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> I met her, my Lord, just now, in the -close walk by the park wall, along with Doctor -Bartholo. She seemed in a passion, and the Doctor -tried to pacify her. I heard her mention my -Cousin Figaro’s name.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Aside</i>) No Cousin yet, my dear; and -perhaps never may be.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_21"></a>[21]</span></p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> (<i>Pointing to the Page</i>) Have you forgiven -what happened yesterday, my Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Afraid lest the Countess should hear, and -chucking Agnes under the chin</i>) Hush!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>To the Page</i>) What’s the matter, -<ins class="corr" id="tn-21" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'young Hanibal the'"> -young Hannibal the</ins> brave? What makes you so -silent?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> He is sorrowful because my Lord is going -to send him from the castle.</p> - -<p><i>Omnes.</i> Oh pray, my Lord!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Let me beg you will forgive him.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> He does not deserve to be forgiven.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Consider, he is so young.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Half aside</i>) Not so young, perhaps, as -you suppose.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> My Lord certainly has not ceded away -the right to pardon.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And if he had, that would certainly be -the first he would <i>secretly</i> endeavour to reclaim. -(<i>Looking significantly at the Count and Figaro, -by turns.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Understanding her</i>) No doubt: no doubt.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> My conduct, my Lord, may have been -indiscreet, but I can assure your Lordship, that -never the least word shall pass my lips——</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Interrupting him</i>) Enough, enough—Since -every body begs for him, I must grant—I -shall moreover give him a Company in my Regiment.</p> - -<p><i>Omnes.</i> Thanks noble Count.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But on condition that he depart immediately -for Catalonia to join the Corps.</p> - -<p><i>Omnes.</i> Oh my Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> To-morrow my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> To day! It shall be so. (<i>To the Page</i>) Take -leave of your Godmother, and beg her protection.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_22"></a>[22]</span></p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Page kneels to the Countess with a sorrowful -air. As he approaches to kneel, he goes -very slowly and Figaro gently pushes him forward.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Fig.</i> Go, go, Child; go.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>With great emotion</i>) Since—it is not -possible—to obtain leave—for you to remain -here to-day, depart, young man, and follow the -noble career which lies before you—Forget not -those with whom you have spent some of the first -years of your life, and among whom you have -friends who wish you every success—Go where Fortune -and Glory call—Be obedient, polite, and -brave, and be certain we shall take part in your -Prosperity. (<i>Raises him.</i></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> You seem agitated Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> How can I help it, recollecting the -perils to which his youth must be exposed? He -has been bred in the same house with me, is of -the same kindred, and is likewise my Godson.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Aside</i>) Basil I see was in the right.—— -(<i>Turns to the Page</i>) Go, kiss Susan for the last time.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Page and Susan approach, Figaro steps between -them and intercepts the Page.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Fig.</i> Oh! There’s no occasion for kissing, my -Lord: he’ll return in the winter, and in the mean -time he may kiss me.—The scene must now be -changed my delicate Youth: you must not run -up stairs and down, into the Women’s Chambers, -play at Hunt-the-slipper, steal Cream, suck Oranges, -and live upon Sweetmeats. Instead of that, -Zounds! You must look bluff! Tan your face! -Handle your musket! Turn to the right! Wheel -to the left! And march to Glory.—At least if you -are not stopt short by a Bullet.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_23"></a>[23]</span></p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Fie, Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Terrified.</i>) What a Prophecy!</p> - -<p><i>Fig.</i> Were I a Soldier I would make some of -them scamper—But, come, come, my friends; let -us prepare our feast against the evening. Marcelina -I hear intends to disturb our Diversions.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> That she will I can assure you. (<i>Aside</i>) I -must go and send for her. (<i>going.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> You will not leave us, my Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> I am undrest, you see.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> We shall see nobody but our own servants.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> I must do what you please. Wait for me -in the study, Basil.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt Count, Countess, and Vassals.</i></p> - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Manent Figaro, Basil and Page.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Fig.</i> (<i>Retains the Page</i>) Come, come; let us -study our parts well for the Play in the evening: -and do not let us resemble those Actors who never -play so ill as on the first night of a Piece; when -Criticism is most watchful to detect Errors, and -when they ought to play the best—<span class="omitted">“<i>We</i> -shall not have an opportunity of playing better -to-morrow.”</span></p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> My part is more difficult than you imagine.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And you may be rewarded for it, in a -manner you little expect. [<i>Aside.</i></p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> You forget, Figaro, that I am going.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And you wish to stay? (<i>In the same sorrowful tone.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> (<i>Sighs.</i>) Ah yes.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Follow my advice, and so thou shalt.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> How, how?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Make no murmuring, but clap on your -boots, and seem to depart; gallop as far as the<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_24"></a>[24]</span> -Farm, return to the Castle on foot, enter by the -back way, and hide yourself till I can come to -you.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> And who shall teach Agnes her part, -then?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh oh!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Why, what the devil have you been -about, young Gentleman, for these eight days past, -during which you have hardly ever left her? Take -care, Hannibal, take care, or your Scholar will -give her Tutor a bad character.—Ah Hannibal! -Hannibal! The Pitcher that goes often to the -Well—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Listen to the Pedant and his Proverb.—Well, -and what says the wisdom of Nations—<i>The -pitcher that goes often to the well</i>—</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Stands a chance, sometime, to return -full.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Not so foolish as I thought.</p> - -<p class="p4 center wsp">End of<span class="lsp2"> ACT I</span>.</p> - - </div> - - - <div class="width30"> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_25"></a>[25]</span><br /></p> - -<h2 class="p2 nobreak" id="ACT_II">ACT II.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center">SCENE, the <ins class="corr" id="tn-25" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'COUNTESS’s Bed-Chmber'"> -COUNTESS’s Bed-Chamber</ins>.</p> - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p>(<i>A state-bed in the back ground under an Alcove: -three doors; one the entrance into the room, another -into Susan’s room, and the third to the Countess’s -dressing-room; a large window that opens to the -street.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>The</i> COUNTESS <i>seated</i>, SUSAN <i>waiting</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i></p> - -<p class="moveup2 drop-capy">Shut the door—And so the Page -was hid behind the great chair?</p> - -<p class="p1"><i>Susan.</i> Yes, Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> But how did he happen to be in your -room, Susan?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> The poor Boy came to beg I would prevail -on you to obtain his pardon of my Lord the -Count.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> But why did not he come to me himself? -I should not have refused him a favor of that -kind.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Bashfulness, Madam. <i>Ah Susan!</i> said he, -<i>she is a Divinity! How noble is her Manner! Her -very smiles are awful.</i></p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Smiling</i>) Is that true, Susan?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Can you doubt it, Madam?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> I have always afforded him my protection.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Had you, Madam, but seen him snatch -the ribband from me!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Rising</i>) Pshaw! Enough of this nonsense—And<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_26"></a>[26]</span> -so my Lord the Count endeavours to -seduce you, Susan?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Oh, no indeed, Madam, he does not give -himself the trouble to seduce; he endeavours to -purchase me: and because I refuse him will certainly -prevent my marriage with Figaro, and support -the pretensions of Marcelina.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Fear nothing—We shall have need, however, -of a little artifice perhaps; in the execution of -which Figaro’s assistance may not be amiss.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> He will be here, Madam, as soon as my -Lord is gone a coursing.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Your Lord is an ungrateful man, Susan!—An -ungrateful man! (<i>The Countess walks up and -down the room with some emotion</i>) Open the window; -I am stifled for want of air—Vows, protestations -and tenderness are all forgotten—My Love offends, -my Caresses disgust—He thinks his own Infidelities -must all be overlook’d, yet my Conduct must be -irreproachable.</p> - -<p><i>Susan</i> (<i>At the window looking into the street</i>). Yonder -goes my Lord with all his Grooms and Greyhounds.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> To <i>divert</i> himself with hunting a poor -timid harmless Hare to death—This, however, -will give us time—Somebody knocks, Susan.</p> - -<p><span class="omitted"><i>Susan.</i> “For Figaro’s the lad, is the lad for me.”</span></p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Goes singing to the Door.</i>)</p> - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> FIGARO.</p> -</div> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>He kisses Susan’s hand, she makes signs to him -to be more prudent, and points to the Countess.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Well, Figaro, you have heard of my -Lord the Count’s designs on your young Bride.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_27"></a>[27]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh yes, my Lady. There was nothing -very surprising in the news. My Lord sees a sweet, -young, lovely—Angel! (<i>Susan curtsies</i>) and wishes -to have her for himself. Can any thing be more -natural? I wish the very same—</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> I don’t find it so very pleasant, Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> He endeavours to overturn the schemes -of those who oppose his wishes; and in this he -only follows the example of the rest of the world. -I endeavour to do the very same.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> But with less probability of success, Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Follow my advice, and I’ll convince you -of your mistake.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Let me hear.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> You, my lovely Susan, must appoint -the Count to meet him, as he proposed, this evening, -<ins class="corr" id="tn-27" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'by the Pavillion'"> -by the Pavilion</ins> in the Garden.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> How! Figaro! Can you consent?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And why not, Madam?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> But if you can, sir, do you think I—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Nay, my Charmer, do not imagine I -would wish thee to grant him any thing thou -wishest to refuse—But first we must dress up the -Page in your cloaths, my dear Susan—, he is to be -your Representative.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> The Page!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> He is gone.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Is he?—Perhaps so. But a whistle from -me will bring him back. (<i>The Countess seems -pleased.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> So! Now Figaro’s happy!—Plots and -Contrivances—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Two! Three! Four at a time! Embarrass’d! -Involv’d! Perplex’d!—Leave me to unravel -them. I was born to thrive in Courts.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_28"></a>[28]</span></p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I have heard the Trade of a Courtier is -not so difficult as some pretend.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Ask for every thing that falls, seize -every thing in your power, and accept every thing -that’s offered—There is the whole art and mystery -in three words.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Well, but the Count, Figaro?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Permit me, Madam, to manage him—And -first, the better to secure <i>my</i> property, I shall -begin by making him dread the loss of <i>his own</i>.—<span class="omitted">“Oh, -what pleasure shall I have in cutting out -Employment for him during the whole day!—To -see him waste that time in jealously-watching -your conduct, Madam, which he meant to -employ in amorous dalliance with my sweet -Bride—To behold him running here and there -and he does not know where, and hunting a monstrous -Shadow, which he dreads to find, yet longs -to grasp.”</span></p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Surely, Figaro, you are out of your -wits.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Pardon, my dear Lady, but it is your -good Lord who will soon be out of his wits.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> But as you know him to be so jealous, -how will you dare?—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh, Madam! Were he not jealous, my -scheme would not be worth a doit: but it will now -serve a double purpose—The Jewel which Possession -has made him neglect, will again become -valuable, if once he can be brought to dread its -loss.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> To confess the truth, Figaro, your -project exactly corresponds with the one I meant -to practise—An anonymous Letter must be sent, -informing him, that a Gallant, meaning to profit -by his neglect—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_29"></a>[29]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And absence—is at present with his -beauteous Countess——The thing is already done, -Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> How!—Have you dared to trifle thus -with a Woman of Honor?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh, Madam, it is only with a Woman of -Honor I should presume to take a liberty like this; -least my Joke should happen to prove a Reality.</p> - -<p><i>Countess</i> (<i>Smiles</i>). You don’t want an agreeable -excuse, Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> The hour of performing the marriage -Ceremony will arrive post haste—he will be disconcerted, -and having no good excuse ready, will -never venture in your presence, Madam, to oppose -our union.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> But if he <ins class="corr" id="tn-29" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'will not, Marcellina'"> -will not, Marcelina</ins> will; and -thou wilt be condemned to pay—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Poh! Thou hast forgot the Count is our -Judge!—And, after being entrapp’d at the rendezvous, -will he condemn us, thinkest thou?—But -come, come, we must be quick—I’ll send the Page -hither to be dress’d—We must not lose a moment.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit Figaro.</i></p> - -<p><i>Countess</i> (<i>Examining her head dress in a pocket -looking-glass</i>). What a hideous cap this is, Susan; -its quite awry—This Youth who is coming—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Ah, Madam! Your Beauty needs not -the addition of Art in his eyes.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> And my hair too—I assure you, Susan, -I shall be very severe with him.</p> - -<p><i>Susan</i> (<i>Smoothing the Countess’s hair</i>). Let me -spread this Curl a little, Madam—Oh, pray Madam, -make him sing the song he has written.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Susan throws the song into the Countess’s lap, -which the Page had given her.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> I shall tell him of all the complaints I -hear against him.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_30"></a>[30]</span></p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Oh Yes Madam; I can see you will -scold him, heartily.</p> - -<p><i>Countess</i> (<i>Seriously</i>). What do you say, Susan?</p> - -<p><i>Susan</i> (<i>Goes to the door</i>). Come; come in Mr. -Soldier.</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> PAGE.</p> -</div> - -<p class="right">(<i>Susan pretends to threaten him by signs.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Um—(<i>Pouts aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Well, young gentleman, (<i>With assumed -severity</i>)—How innocent he looks, Susan! (<i>Aside -to Susan</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And how bashful, Madam!</p> - -<p><i>Countess</i> (<i>Resuming her serious air</i>). Have you reflected -on the duties of your new Profession?</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Page imagines the Countess is angry, and -timidly draws back.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p>Susan (<i>Aside to the Page</i>). Ay, ay, young Rake, -I’ll tell all I know.—(<i>Returns to the Countess</i>). Observe -his downcast eyes, Madam, and long eye-lashes.—(<i>Aside -to the Page</i>) Yes, Hypocrite, I’ll -tell.</p> - -<p><i>Countess</i> (<i>Seeing the Page more and more fearful</i>). -Nay, Hannibal—don’t—be terrified—I—Come -nearer.</p> - -<p><i>Susan</i> (<i>Pushing him towards the Countess</i>). Advance, -Modesty.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Poor Youth, he is quite affected—I -am not angry with you; I was only going to speak -to you on the duties of a Soldier—Why do you -seem so sorrowful?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Alas, Madam, I may well be sorrowful! -Being, as I am, obliged to leave a Lady so gentle -and so kind——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_31"></a>[31]</span></p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And so beautiful—(<i>In the same tone and -half aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Ah, yes! (<i>Sighs</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Susan</i> (<i>Mimicking</i>). Ah, yes!—Come, come, let -me try on one of my Gowns upon you—Come -here—Let us measure—I declare the little Villain -is not so tall as I am.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Um—(<i>Pouts.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Turn about—Let me untie your cloak.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Susan takes off the Page’s cloak.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> But suppose somebody should come?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Dear, my Lady, we are not doing any -harm—I’ll lock the door, however, for fear—(<i>The -Page casts a glance or two at the Countess, Susan -returns</i>) Well! Have you nothing to say to my -beauteous Lady, and your charming God-mother?</p> - -<p><i>Page</i> (<i>Sighs</i>). Oh, yes! That I am sure I shall -love her as long as I live!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Esteem, you mean, Hannibal.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Ye—ye—yes—Es—teem! I should have -said.</p> - -<p><i>Susan</i> (<i>Laughs</i>). Yes, yes, Esteem! The poor Youth -overflows with Es—teem and Aff—ection—and—</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Um! (<i>Aside to Susan</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Nia, nia, nia, (<i>Mocking the Page</i>).—Dear -Madam, do make him sing those good-for-nothing -Verses.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Takes the verses Susan gave her, from -her pocket</i>) Pray who wrote them?</p> - -<p><i>Susan</i> (<i>Pointing to the Page</i>). Look, Madam, -look! His sins rise in his face—Nobody but an -Author could look so silly—</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Come, Hannibal, sing.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Ah, the bashful Scribbler!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_32"></a>[32]</span></p> - - -<div class="chapter"> -<p class="p2 center lsp2">SONG.</p> -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">To the Winds, to the Waves, to the Woods I complain;</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">They hear not my Sighs, and they heed not my Pain;</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza omitted"> - <div class="verse indent0">“The name of my Goddess I ’grave on each Tree;</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Tis I wound the bark, but Love’s arrows wound me:</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza omitted"> - <div class="verse indent0">The Heav’ns I view with their azure bright skies;</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But Heaven to me are her still brighter eyes:</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">To the Sun’s morning splendor the poor Indian bows;</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But I dare not worship where I pay my Vows:</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza omitted"> - <div class="verse indent0">“His God each morn rises and he can adore;</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But my Goddess to me must soon never rise more:</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Ah, well-a-day! My poor heart!”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>During the song the Countess is evidently affected -by the Passion with which the Page sings.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Now let us try whether one of my Caps—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_33"></a>[33]</span></p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> There is one of mine lies on my dressing-table. -(<i>Exit Susan to the dressing room of the -Countess.</i>)—Is your Commission made out?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Oh yes, Madam, and given me; Here -it is.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Presents his commission to the Countess.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Already? They have made haste I see! -They are not willing to lose a moment—Their -hurry has made them even forget to affix the -Seal.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Returns</i>) The Seal! To what, Madam?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> His Commission.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> So soon!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> I was observing, there has been no time -lost.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Returns the Page his Commission; he sticks it -in his girdle.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Come—(<i>Makes the Page kneel down, and -puts him on the cap</i>) What a pretty little Villain it is! -I declare I am jealous: see if he is not handsomer -than I am! Turn about—There—What’s here?—The -riband!—So, so, so! Now all is out! I’m -glad of it—I told my young Gentleman I would -let you know his thievish tricks, Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Fetch me some black patches Susan.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit Susan to her own chamber.</i></p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>The Countess and the Page remain mute for a considerable -time during which the Page looks at the Countess -with great passion, though with the bashful side -glances natural to his character—The Countess -pretends not to observe him, and visibly makes -several efforts to overcome her own feelings.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> And—and—so—you—you are sorry—to -leave us?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Ye—yes—Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Observing the Page’s heart so full that he -is ready to burst into tears</i>) ’Tis that good-for-nothing<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_34"></a>[34]</span> -Figaro who has frightened the child with -his prognostics.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> (<i>Unable to contain himself any longer</i>) N-o-o-o -indee-ee-eed, Madam, I-I-am o-on-only-gri-ieved -to part from-so dear a-La-a-ady.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Takes out her handkerchief and wipes -his eyes</i>) Nay, but don’t weep, don’t weep—Come, -come, be comforted. (<i>A knocking is heard -at the Countess’s chamber door</i>) Who’s there? -(<i>In an authoritative tone.</i>)</p> - -<p class="right"><i>The Count speaks without.</i></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Open the door, my Lady.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Heavens! It is the Count!—I am ruined!—If -he finds the Page here after receiving -Figaro’s anonymous Letter I shall be for ever lost!—What -imprudence!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Without</i>) Why don’t you open the -door?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Because——I’m alone.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Alone! Who are you talking to then!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> To you, to be sure—How could I be -so thoughtless—This villainous Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> After the scene of the great chair this -morning he will certainly murder me if he finds -me here.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Run into my dressing-room and lock -the door on the inside. (<i>the Countess opens the door -to the Count.</i>)</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter the</i> COUNT.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> You did not use to lock yourself in, -when you were alone, Madam! Who were you -speaking to?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Endeavouring to conceal her agitation</i>) -To—To Susan, who is rumaging in her own -room.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_35"></a>[35]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But you seem agitated, Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> That is not impossible (<i>affecting to take -a serious air</i>) We were speaking of you.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Of me!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Your jealousy, your indifference, my -Lord.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Count.</i> “I cannot say for indifference, my Lady, -and as for jealousy, you know best whether I -have any cause.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> “My Lord!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “In short, my Lady, there are people in -the world, who are malicious enough to wish to -disturb either your repose or mine. I have received -private advice that a certain Thing called -a Lover—</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> “Lover!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “Ay, or Gallant, or any other title you -like best, meant to take advantage of my absence, -and introduce himself into the Castle.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> “If there even were any one audacious -enough to make such an attempt, he -would find himself disappointed of meeting me; -for I shall not stir out of my room to-day.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “What, not to the Wedding?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> “I am indisposed.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “Its lucky then that the Doctor is -here.”</p> - </div> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Page oversets a table in the Countess’s -dressing-room.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Terrified.</i>) What will become of me? -(<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What noise is that?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> I heard no noise.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> No? You must be most confoundedly -absent, then.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Affecting to return his irony</i>) Oh, to be -sure.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_36"></a>[36]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But there is somebody in your dressing-room, -Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Who should there be?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> That’s what I want to know.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> It is Susan, I suppose, putting the -chairs and tables to rights.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What! Your favourite woman turned -house-maid! You told me just now she was in her -own room.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> In <i>her</i> room, or <i>my</i> room, it is all one.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Really, my Lady, this Susan of yours is -a very nimble, convenient kind of person.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Really, my Lord, this Susan of mine -disturbs your quiet very much.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Very true, my Lady, so much that I am -determined to see her.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> These suspicions are very much to your -credit, my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> If they are not to your discredit, my -Lady, it is very easy to remove them—But I see -you mean to trifle with me (<i>he goes to the Countess’s -dressing-room door, and calls</i>) Susan! Susan! If Susan -you are, come forth!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Very well, my Lord! Very well! Would -you have the girl come out half undressed? She is -trying on one of my left off dresses—To disturb -female privacy, in this manner, my Lord, is certainly -very unprecedented.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>During the warmth -of this dispute, Susan comes from her own room, -perceives what is passing, and after listening long -enough to know how to act, slips, unseen by both, -behind the curtains of the bed which stands in the -Alcove.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Well, if she can’t come out, she can -answer at least. (<i>Calls</i>) Susan!—Answer me, -Susan.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_37"></a>[37]</span></p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> I say, do not answer, Susan! I forbid -you to speak a word!—We shall see who she’ll -obey.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But if you are so innocent, Madam, -what is the reason of that emotion and perplexity -so very evident in your countenance?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Affecting to laugh</i>) Emotion and perplexity! -Ha! ha! ha! Ridiculous!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Well, Madam, be it as ridiculous as it -may, I am determined to be satisfied, and I think -present appearances give me a sufficient plea. (<i>Goes -to the side of the Scenes and calls</i>) Hollo! Who waits -there?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Do, do, my Lord! Expose your jealousy -to your very servants! Make yourself and -me the jest of the whole world.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Why do you oblige me to it?—However, -Madam, since you will not suffer that door -to be opened, will you please to accompany me -while I procure an instrument to force it?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> To be sure, my Lord! To be sure! If -you please.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And, in order that you may be fully -justified, I will make this other door fast (<i>Goes to -Susan’s chamber door, locks it, and takes the key.</i>) As -to the Susan of the dressing-room, she must have -the complaisance to wait my return.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> This behaviour is greatly to your -honor, my Lord! (<i>This speech is heard as they are -going through the door, which the Count locks after -him.</i>)</p> - -<p class="right">(Exeunt)</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> SUSAN, <i>peeping as they go off, then runs to -the dressing-room door and calls</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Hannibal!—Hannibal!—Open the door! -Quick! Quick!—It’s I, Susan.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_38"></a>[38]</span></p> - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> PAGE, <i>frightened</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Oh Susan!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Oh my poor Mistress!</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> What will become of her?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> What will become of my marriage?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> What will become of me?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Don’t stand babbling here, but fly.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> The doors are all fast, how can I fly?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Don’t ask me! Fly!</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Here’s a window open (<i>runs to the window</i>) -Underneath is a bed of flowers; I’ll leap -out.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Screams</i>) You’ll break your neck!</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Better that than ruin my dear Lady—Give -me one kiss Susan.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Was there ever seen such a young—(<i>Page -kisses her, runs and leaps out of the window, -and Susan shrieks at seeing him</i>) Ah! (<i>Susan sinks -into a chair, overcome with fear—At last she takes -courage, rises, goes with dread towards the window, -and after looking out, turns round with her hand -upon her heart, a sigh of relief and a smile expressive -of sudden ease and pleasure.</i>) He is safe! -Yonder he runs!—As light and as swift as the -winds!—If that Boy does not make some woman’s -heart ache I’m mistaken. (<i>Susan goes towards -the dressing-room door, enters, and peeps out -as she is going to shut it.</i>) And now, my good jealous -Count, perhaps, I may teach you to break -open doors another time. (<i>Locks herself in.</i>)</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> COUNT, <i>with a wrenching iron in one hand, -and leading in the</i> COUNTESS <i>with the other. -Goes and examines the doors.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Every thing is as I left it. We now shall -come to an eclaircissement.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_39"></a>[39]</span></p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> But, my Lord!—He’ll murder him! (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Now we shall know—Do you still persist -in forcing me to break open this door?—I am -determined to see who’s within.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Let me beg, my Lord, you’ll have a -moment’s patience!—Hear me only and you shall -satisfy your utmost curiosity!—Let me intreat you -to be assured, that, however appearances may condemn -me, no injury was intended to your honour.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Then there is a man?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> No—none of whom you can reasonably -entertain the least suspicion.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> How?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> A jest!—A meer innocent, harmless -frolic, for our evening’s diversion! Nothing more, -upon my Honor!—On my soul!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But who—who is it?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> A Child!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Let us see your child!—What child?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Hannibal.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> The Page! (<i>Turns away</i>) This damnable -Page again?——Thus then is the Letter!——thus -are my Suspicions realized at last!—I am now -no longer astonished, Madam, at your emotion -for your pretty Godson this morning!—The whole -is unravelled!—Come forth, Viper! (<i>In great wrath.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Terrified and trembling</i>) Do not let -the Disorder in which you will see him——</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> The Disorder!—The Disorder!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> We were going to dress him in women’s -cloaths for our evening’s diversion—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> I’ll stab him!—I’ll!—<span class="omitted">“And this is your -indisposition!—This is why you would keep<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_40"></a>[40]</span> -your Chamber all day! False, unworthy Woman! -You shall keep it longer than you expected.”</span>—I’ll -make him a terrible example of an injured -Husband’s wrath!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Falling on her knees between the Count -and the door</i>) Hold, my Lord, hold! Or -let your anger light on me!—I, alone, am guilty! -If there be any guilt—Have pity on his youth! -His infancy!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What! Intercede for him!—On your -knees!—And to me! There wanted but this!—I’ll -rack him!—Rise!—I’ll (<i>Furiously.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Promise me to spare his life!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Rise!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Countess rises terrified, and -sinks into an arm chair ready to faint.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> He’ll murder him!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Come forth, I say, once more; or I’ll -drag—(<i>While the Count is speaking, Susan unlocks -the door and bolts out upon him.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I’ll stab him!—I’ll rack him!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Countess, at hearing Susan’s voice, -recovers sufficiently to look round—Is astonished, -endeavours to collect herself, and turns back -into her former position to conceal her surprise.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>After standing fixed some time, and -first looking at Susan and then at the Countess</i>) -Here’s a seminary!—And can you act astonishment -too, Madam? (<i>Observing the Countess, who -cannot totally hide her surprise.</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> <i>Attempting to speak</i>) I—My Lord—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Recollecting himself.</i>) But, perhaps, -she was not alone. (<i>Enters the dressing-room, -Countess again alarmed, Susan runs to the Countess.</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_41"></a>[41]</span></p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Fear nothing—He is not there—He has -jumped out of the window.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> And broke his neck! (<i>Her terror returns.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Hush! (<i>Susan claps herself bolt upright -against her Lady, to hide her new disorder from the -Count.</i>) Hem! Hem!</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Re-enter</i> COUNT, (<i>greatly abashed</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Nobody there!—I have been to blame—(<i>approaching -the Countess</i>.) Madam!—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>With great submission as if going to beg her -pardon, but the confusion still visible in her -countenance calls up the recollection of all that -had just passed, and he bursts out into an exclamation.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p>Upon my soul, Madam, you are -a most excellent Actress!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And am not I too, my Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> You see my Confusion, Madam—be -generous.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> As you have been.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Hush!—(<i>Makes signs to Susan to take his -part.</i>) My dear Rosina——</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> No, no, my Lord! I am no longer -that Rosina whom you formerly loved with such -affection!—I am now nothing but the -poor Countess of Almaviva! A neglected Wife, and -not a beloved Mistress.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Nay, do not make my humiliation too -severe—(<i>His suspicions again in part revive.</i>) But -wherefore, my Lady, have you been thus mysterious -on this occasion?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> That I might not betray that headlong -thoughtless Figaro.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_42"></a>[42]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What! He wrote the anonymous billet -then?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> It was without my knowledge, my -Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But you were afterwards informed of -it?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Certainly.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Who did he give it to?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Basil—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Who sent it me by a Peasant—Indeed, -Mr. Basil.—Yes, vile Thrummer, thou shalt pay -for all!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> But where is the justice of refusing -that pardon to others we stand so much in need of -ourselves? If ever I could be brought to forgive, -it should only be on condition of passing a general -amnesty.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> I acknowledge my guilt.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Countess -stands in the middle of the stage, the Count a -little in the back ground, as if expressive of his -timidity, but his countenance shews he is confident -of obtaining his pardon—Susan stands -forwarder than either, and her looks are significantly -applicable to the circumstances of both -parties.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> To suspect a man in my Lady’s dressing-room!—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And to be thus severely punished for my -suspicion!—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Not to believe my Lady when she <i>assured</i> -you it was her Woman!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Ah!——(<i>with affected confusion</i>) Deign, -Madam, once more, to repeat my pardon.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Have I already pronounced it, Susan?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Not that I heard, Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Let the gentle sentence then escape.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_43"></a>[43]</span></p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> And do you merit it, ungrateful man? (<i>with tenderness.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Looking at Susan, who returns his look</i>) -Certainly, my Lady.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> A fine example I set you, Susan! (<i>The -Count takes her hand and kisses it.</i>) Who, hereafter, -will dread a Woman’s anger?</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Countess turns her -head towards Susan, and laughs as she says this.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>In the same tone</i>) Yes, yes, Madam—I -observe——Men may well accuse us of frailty.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And yet I cannot, for the soul of me, -forget the agony, Rosina, in which you seemed -to be just now! Your cries, your tears, your——How -was it possible, this being a Fiction, you -should so suddenly give it the tragic tone of a -Reality?—Ha! ha! ha!—So astonishingly natural!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> You see your Page, and I dare say -your Lordship was not sorry for the mistake—I’m -sure the sight of Susan does not give you -offence.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Hem!—Offence! Oh! No, no, no—But -what’s the reason, <ins class="corr" id="tn-43" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'you malicicious little'"> -you malicious little</ins> hussey, you did not come when I called?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> What! Undress’d, my Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But why didn’t you answer then?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> My Lady forbad me: and good reason she -had so to do.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Such distraction in your countenance! -(<i>To the Countess</i>) Nay, it’s not calm even yet!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Oh you—you fancy so my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Men, I perceive, are poor Politicians—Women -make Children of us——Were his Majesty -wise, he would name you, and not me, for his -Ambassador.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_44"></a>[44]</span></p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> FIGARO, <i>chearfully; perceives the -Count, who puts on a very serious air</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Fig.</i> They told me my Lady was indisposed, I -ran to enquire, and am very happy to find there -was nothing in it.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> You are very attentive.</p> - -<p><i>Fig.</i> It is my duty so to be, my Lord. (<i>Turns -to Susan.</i>) Come, come, my Charmer! Prepare for -the Ceremony! Go to your Bridemaids.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But who is to guard the Countess in the -mean time?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Surprised</i>) Guard her, my Lord! -My Lady seems very well: she wants no guarding.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> From the Gallant, who was to profit by -my absence? (<i>Susan and the Countess make signs to -Figaro.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Nay, nay, Figaro, the Count knows -all.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Yes, yes, we have told my Lord every -thing.—The jest is ended—Its all over.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> The jest is ended!—And its all over!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Yes—Ended, ended, ended!——And all -over—What have you to say to that?</p> - -<p><i>Fig.</i> Say, my Lord!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The confusion of Figaro -arises from not supposing it possible the Countess -and Susan should have betrayed him, and when -he understands something by their signs, from not -knowing how much they have told.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Ay, say.</p> - -<p><i>Fig.</i> I—I—I wish I could say as much of my -Marriage.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And who wrote the pretty Letter?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Not I, my Lord.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_45"></a>[45]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> If I did not know thou liest, I could -read it in thy face.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Indeed, my Lord!—Then it is my face -that lies; and not I.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Pshaw, Figaro! Why should you -endeavour to conceal any thing, when I tell you -we have confess’d all?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Making signs to Figaro</i>) We have told -my Lord of the Letter, which made him suspect -that Hannibal, the Page, who is far enough off -by this, was hid in my Lady’s dressing-room, -where I myself was lock’d in.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Well, well, since my Lord will have it -so, and my Lady will have it so, and you all -will have it so, why then so let it be.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Still at his Wiles.——</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Why, my Lord, would you oblige -him to speak truth, so much against his inclination? -(<i>Count and Countess walk familiarly up the stage.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Hast thou seen the Page?</p> - -<p><i>Fig.</i> Yes, yes: you have shook his young joints -for him, among you.</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> ANTONIO, <i><ins class="corr" id="tn-45" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'the Gardiner, with'"> -the Gardener, with</ins> a broken Flower-pot under his arm half drunk</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> My Lord—My good Lord—If so be -as your Lordship will not have the goodness to -have these Windows nailed up, I shall never have -a Nosegay fit to give to my Lady—They break -all my pots, and spoil my flowers; for they not -only throw other Rubbish out of the windows, as -they used to do, but they have just now tossed out -a Man.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> A Man!—(<i>The Count’s suspicions all revive.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_46"></a>[46]</span></p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> In white stockings!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Countess and Susan -discover their fears, and make signs to Figaro to -assist them if possible.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Where is the Man? (<i>Eagerly.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> That’s what I want to know, my Lord!—I -wish I could find him,—I am your Lordship’s -Gardener; and, tho’ I say it, a better Gardener is -not to be found in all Spain;—but if Chambermaids -are permitted to toss men out of the window -to save their own Reputation, what is to become -of mine?—<span class="omitted">“It will wither with my flowers to -be sure.”</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh fie! What sotting so soon in a morning?</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Why, can one begin one’s day’s work -too early?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Your day’s work, Sir?</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Your Lordship knows my Niece, there -she stands, is to be married to day; and I am sure -she would never forgive me if——</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> If you were not to get drunk an hour -sooner than usual—But on with your story, Sir—What -of the Man?—What followed?</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> I followed him myself, my Lord, as -fast as I could; but, somehow, I unluckily happened -to make a false step, and came with such a confounded -whirl against the Garden-gate—that I—I -quite for—forgot my Errand.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And should you know this man again?</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> To be sure I should, my Lord!—If -I had seen him, that is.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Either speak more clearly, Rascal, or I’ll -send you packing to——</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Send me packing, my Lord?—Oh, -no! If your Lordship has not enough—enough -(<i>Points to his forehead</i>) to know when you have<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_47"></a>[47]</span> -a good Gardener, I warrant I know when I have a -good Place.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> There is no occasion, my Lord, for -all this mystery! It was I who jump’d out of the -window into the garden.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> You?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> My own self, my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Jump out of a one pair of stairs window -and run the risk of breaking your Neck?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> The ground was soft, my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> And his Neck is in no danger of being -broken.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> To be sure I hurt my right leg, a little, in -the fall; just here at the ancle—I feel it still. -(<i>Rubbing his ancle.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But what reason had you to jump out of -the window?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> You had received my letter, my Lord, -since I must own it, and was come, somewhat -sooner than I expected, in a dreadful passion, in -search of a man.—</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> If it was you, you have grown plaguy -fast within this half hour, to my thinking. The -man that I saw did not seem so tall by the head -and shoulders.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Pshaw! Does not one double one’s self -up when one takes a leap?</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> It seem’d a great deal more like the -Page.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> The Page!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh yes, to be sure, the Page has gallop’d -back from Seville, Horse and all, to leap out -of the window!</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> No, no, my Lord! I saw no such thing! -I’ll take my oath I saw no horse leap out of the -window.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_48"></a>[48]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Come, come, let us prepare for our -sports.</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Well, since it was you, as I am an honest -man, I ought to return you this Paper which -drop’d out of your pocket as you fell.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Snatches the paper. The Countess, Figaro, -and Susan are all surprised and embarrassed. Figaro -shakes himself, <ins class="corr" id="tn-48" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'and eadeavours to'"> -and endeavours to</ins> recover his fortitude.</i>) -Ay, since it was you, you doubtless can tell what -this Paper contains (<i>claps the paper behind his back -as he faces Figaro</i>) and how it happened to come in -your Pocket?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh, my Lord, I have such quantities of -Papers (<i>searches his pockets, pulls out a great many</i>) -No, it is not this!—Hem!—This is a double Love-letter -from Marcelina, in seven pages—Hem!—Hem!—It -would do a man’s heart good to read it—Hem!—And -this is a petition from the poor Poacher -in prison. I never presented it to your Lordship, because -I know you have affairs much more serious -on your hands, than the Complaints of such -half-starved Rascals—Ah!—Hem!—this—this—no, -this is an Inventory of your Lordship’s Sword-knots, -Ruffs, Ruffles, and Roses—must take care of -this—(<i>Endeavours to gain time, and keeps glancing -and hemming to Susan and the Countess, to look at the -paper and give him a hint.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> It is neither this, nor this, nor that, nor -t’other, that you have in your hand, but what I -hold here in mine, that I want to know the contents -of. (<i>Holds out the paper in action as he speaks, the -Countess who stands next him catches a sight of it.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> ’Tis the Commission. (<i>Aside to Susan.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> The Page’s Commission. (<i>Aside to Figaro.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Well, Sir!—So you know nothing of the -matter?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_49"></a>[49]</span></p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> (<i>Reels round to Figaro</i>) My Lord says -you—know nothing of the matter.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Keep off, and don’t come to whisper -me. (<i>pretending to recollect himself.</i>) Oh Lord! -Lord! What a stupid fool I am!—I declare it is the -Commission of that poor youth, Hannibal—which -I, like a Blockhead, forgot to return him—He -will be quite unhappy about it, poor Boy.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And how came you by it?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> By it, my Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Why did he give it you?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> To—to—to——</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> To what?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> To get—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> To get what? It wants nothing!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>to Susan</i>) It wants the Seal.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>to Figaro</i>) It wants the Seal.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh, my Lord, what it wants to be sure -is a mere trifle.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What trifle?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> You know, my Lord, it’s customary to—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> To what?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> To affix your Lordship’s Seal.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Looks at the Commission, finds the Seal is -wanting, and exclaims with vexation and disappointment</i>) -The Devil and his Imps!—It is written, -Count, thou shalt be a Dupe!—Where is this -Marcelina?</p> - -<p class="right">[<i>Going.</i></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Are you going, my Lord, without giving -Orders for our Wedding?</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> MARCELINA, BASIL, BOUNCE, <i>and -Vassals</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p class="right">(<i>The Count returns.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Forbear, my Lord, to give such Orders; -in Justice forbear. I have a written promise<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_50"></a>[50]</span> -under his hand, and I appeal to you, to redress my -injuries! You are my lawful Judge.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Pshaw! A trifle, my Lord: a note of -hand for money borrowed; nothing more.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Let the Advocates and Officers of Justice -be assembled in the great Hall; we will there determine -on the justice of your claim. It becomes -us not to suffer any Vassal of ours, however -we may privately esteem him, to be guilty of public -injury.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Your Lordship is acquainted with my -claims on Marcelina: I hope your Lordship will -grant me your support.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Oh, oh! Are you there, Prince of Knaves?</p> - -<p><ins class="corr" id="tn-50" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'Antanio'"> -<i>Antonio.</i></ins> Yes, that’s his title, sure enough.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Approach, honest Basil; faithful Agent -of our Will and Pleasure. (<i>Basil bows</i>) Go order -the Lawyers to assemble.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> My Lord!—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And tell the Peasant, by whom you sent -me the Letter this morning, I want to speak with -him.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Your Lordship is pleased to joke with -your humble Servant. I know no such Peasant.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> You will be pleased to find him, notwithstanding.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> My Office, in this House, as your Lordship -knows, is not to go of Errands! Think, my -Lord, how that would degrade a man of my talents; -who have the honour to teach my Lady the -Harpsichord, the Mandoline to her Woman, and -to entertain your Lordship, and your Lordship’s -good Company, with my Voice and my Guitar, -whenever your Lordship pleases to honor me with -your Commands.</p> - -<p><i>Bounce.</i> I will go, if your Lordship pleases to<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_51"></a>[51]</span> -let me: I should be very glad to oblige your -Lordship.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What’s thy Name?</p> - -<p><i>Bounce.</i> Pedro Bounce, my Lord, Fire-work -maker to your Lordship.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Thy zeal pleases me, thou shalt go.</p> - -<p><i>Bounce.</i> Thank your Lordship, thank your noble -Lordship. (<i>Leaps.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>To Basil</i>) And do you be pleased, Sir, -to entertain the Gentleman, on his Journey, with -your Voice and your Guitar; he is part of my -good Company.</p> - -<p><i>Bounce.</i> (<i>Leaps</i>) I am part of my Lord’s good -Company! Who would have thought it!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> My Lord——</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Depart! Obey! Or, depart from my Service.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Exit.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> ’Tis in vain to resist. Shall I wage war -with a Lion, who am only——</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> A Calf—<span class="omitted">“But come, you seem vex’d -about it—I will open the Ball—Strike up, tis -my Susan’s Wedding-day.”</span></p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Come along, Mr. Bounce. (<i>Basil begins to -play, Figaro dances and sings off before him, and -Bounce follows, dancing after.</i>)</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt.</i>)</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Manent</i> COUNTESS <i>and</i> SUSAN.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> You see, Susan, to what Danger I -have been exposed by Figaro and his fine concerted -Billet.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Dear Madam, if you had but seen -yourself when I bounced out upon my Lord! -So pale, such Terror in your Countenance! -And then your suddenly assumed tranquillity!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> “Oh no, every Faculty was lost in my -Fears.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “I assure your Ladyship to the contrary;<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_52"></a>[52]</span> -in a few Lessons you would learn to dissemble -and fib with as good a Grace as any Lady in -the Land.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> And so that poor Child jumped out of -the Window?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Without the least hesitation—as light -and as chearful as a Linnet.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> I wish however I could convict my false -Count of his Infidelity.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> The Page will never dare, after this, to -make a second attempt.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Ha!—A lucky project! I will meet -him myself; and then nobody will be exposed.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> But suppose, Madam—</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> My Success has emboldened me, and -I am determined to try—(<i>Sees the Riband left on -the chair</i>) What’s here? My Riband! I will keep -it as a Memento of the danger to which that poor -Youth—<span class="omitted">“Ah my Lord—Yet let me have a -care, let me look to myself, to my own Conduct, -lest I should give occasion to say—Ah my -Lady!”</span> (<i>The Countess puts the Riband in her -Pocket.</i>) You must not mention a Word of this, -Susan, to any body.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Except Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> No exceptions, he must not be -told; he will spoil it, by mixing some plot of -his own with it—I have promised thee a Portion -thou knowest—these men are liberal in their Pleasures—Perhaps -I may double it for thee; it will -be Susan’s Right.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Your Project is a charming one, Madam, -and I shall yet have my Figaro.</p> - -<p class="right">[<i>Exit Susan, kissing the Countess’s Hand.</i></p> - -<p class="p4 center">End of <span class="lsp2">ACT</span> II.</p> - - </div> - - <div class="width30"> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_53"></a>[53]</span><br /></p> - -<h2 class="p2 nobreak" id="ACT_III">ACT III.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center">SCENE, the Great Hall.</p> - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p>(<i>A Judge’s Chair, four other Chairs, Benches with -red Baize, a Table and at Stool, with Pen, Ink -and Paper.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter the</i> COUNT, <i>dressed, and a</i> SERVANT, -<i>booted.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i></p> - -<p class="moveup drop-capy">Ride to Seville with all speed; enquire -if the Page has joined his Regiment, -and at what o’clock precisely he arrived; -give him this Commission, and return like -lightening.</p> - -<p><i>Servant.</i> And if he is not there—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Return still quicker.—Go; fly!——(<i>Exit -Servant</i>)—I was wrong to send Basil out of -the way—He might have been very serviceable—But -Anger was never wise—I scarcely know at -present what I wish—When once the Passions -have obtained the Mastery, there is no Mind, -however consistent, but becomes as wild and incongruous -as a Dream—If the Countess, Susan, -and Figaro should understand each other and plot -to betray me!—If the Page <i>was</i> shut up in her -dressing-room—Oh! no!—The Respect she bears -herself—my Honor!—My Honor? And in my -Wife’s keeping?—Honor in a Woman’s possession, -like Ice Cream in the mouth, melts away in<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_54"></a>[54]</span> -a contest of Pleasure and Pain—I will sound Figaro, -however.</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> FIGARO, <i>behind</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Here am I. (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And if I have reason to suppose them -plotting against me, he shall marry Marcelina.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Perhaps not. (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But in that case, what must Susan be?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> My Wife, if you please.—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Figaro’s eagerness -occasions him to speak aloud——The -Count turns round astonished.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> My Wife, if you please!—To whom did -you say my Wife, if you please?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> To—to—to—That is—They were the -last words of a sentence I was saying to one of -the Servants—Go and tell so and so to—<i>my Wife, -if you please</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Your Wife!—Zounds, you are very -fond of your Wife.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I love to be singular.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> You have made me wait for you here a -long while.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I have been changing my Stockings, -which I dirtied in the fall.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Servants, I think, are longer dressing -than their Masters.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Well they may—They are obliged to -dress themselves.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> If in sifting my Gentleman, I find him -unwilling to go to France, I may conclude Susan -has betrayed me. (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> He has mischief in his head, but I’ll -watch his motions. (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_55"></a>[55]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Approaches Figaro with familiarity</i>)—Thou -knowest, Figaro, it was my intention to -have taken thee with me on my Embassy to Paris, -but I believe thou dost not understand French.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Perfectly.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Indeed!—Let’s hear.—(<i>Figaro pulls out -his purse and jingles it</i>)—Is that all the French -thou understandest?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> All!—Is not that enough, think you, -my Lord?—That’s a Language understood in -every corner of the habitable Earth, and in no -place better than in Paris.—<span class="omitted">“Your Philosophers, -who lament the loss of an universal Language, -are Fools—They always carry one in their -pockets.”</span> As for a knowledge of French, my -Lord, I maintain, <i>s’il vous plait</i>, and a Purse are -all that’s necessary—Let but the sound of Silver -jingle in a Frenchman’s ears, and he will instantly -understand your meaning, be it what it will.— -<span class="omitted">“If you have a Law-suit, and wish to gain your -Cause, go to the Judge, pull off your Hat, -and pull out your Purse; smile, shake it, and -pronounce, <i>s’il vous plait, Monsieur</i>—</span></p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Count.</i> “And your Adversary is overthrown.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Undoubtedly—Unless he understands -French still better than you—Do you wish the -<i>Friendship</i> of a great Lord, or a great Lady, -its still the same—Chink, chink, and <i>s’il vous -plait, Monseigneur—S’il vous plait, Madame</i>—The -French are a very witty People!—Amazingly -quick of apprehension!—Therefore, my Lord, -if you have no other reason than this for leaving -me behind—”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But thou art no Politician.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_56"></a>[56]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Pardon me, my Lord, I am as great a -master of Politics——</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> As thou art of French.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh, my Lord, the thing is so easy—He -must be a Fool indeed who could find his vanity -flattered by his skill in Politics—To appear always -deeply concerned for the good of the State, -yet to have no other end but Self-interest; to assemble -and say Nothing; to pretend vast Secrecy -where there is nothing to conceal; to shut yourself -up in your Chamber, and mend your pen or -pick your Teeth, while your Footmen inform -the attending Croud you are too busy to be approach’d—this, -with the art of intercepting Letters, -imitating Hands, pensioning Traitors, and -rewarding Flatterers, is the whole mystery of Politics, -or I am an Idiot.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> This is the definition of a Partisan not a -Politician.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Party and Politics are much the same, -they are become synonimous terms.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Aside</i>) Since he is so willing to go to -Paris, Susan has said nothing.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> ’Tis now my turn to attack. (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And—I suppose thou wilt take thy Wife -with thee—to Paris?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> No—no—I should be obliged to quit -her so frequently, that I am afraid the Cares of -the marriage state would lie too heavy on my head -(<i>significantly.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Susan has betrayed me. (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Aside</i>) He does not like the retort.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Count smiles, approaches Figaro with great familiarity, -and leans upon his shoulder—By-play between -the Count and Figaro.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_57"></a>[57]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> The time was, Figaro, when thou wert -more open—Formerly thou wouldst tell me any -thing.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And at present I conceal nothing.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What can be the Countess’s motives—(<i>The -Count puts his arm round Figaro’s neck—By-play -again</i>)—I—Thou seest I anticipate her wishes, -load her with presents——</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Will give her any thing but yourself—Of -what worth are Trinkets when we are in want -of Necessaries?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Come, come; be sincere—Tell me—How -much did the Countess give thee for this -last plot?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> As much as your Lordship gave me for -helping you to steal her from her old jealous -Guardian—<span class="omitted">“A noble Lord should not endeavour -to degrade an honest Servant, lest he should make -him a Knave.”</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But wherefore is there continually some -Mystery in thy conduct?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Because the Conduct of others is mysterious.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Appearances, my dear Figaro, really -speak thee a great Knave.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Looking round at the Count’s hand upon -his shoulders, and observing his familiarity</i>)—<i>Appearances</i>, -my dear Lord, are frequently false—I am -much better than I appear to be-Can the Great in -general say as much?—(<i>Aside</i>)—Take that.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Yes, yes; she has told him. (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “I shall content myself, my Lord, -with the portion your Lordship has promised -me on my Marriage, and the place of Steward<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_58"></a>[58]</span> -of this Castle, with which you have honoured -me, and willingly remain with my Wife here -in Andalusia, far from troubles and intrigue.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “But thou hast Abilities, and might rise -to Preferment.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Preferred by my Abilities my Lord!——Your -Lordship is pleased to laugh at me.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Yes, yes; Susan has betrayed me, and -my Gentleman marries Marcelina. (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> He has been angling for Gudgeons, and -what has he caught? (<i>Aside.</i>)</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter a</i> SERVANT.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Servant.</i> Don Guzman and the Counsellors are -without.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Let them wait.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Ironically</i>) Aye, let them wait. (<i>Exit Serv.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And dost thou expect to gain thy -Cause?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> With the assistance of Justice and my -Lord’s good wishes, who respects Youth too -much himself to force others to wed with Age.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> A Judge knows no distinction of -persons.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Well—Time, say the Italians, is a -valiant Fellow, and tells Truth”—But what -was it your Lordship was pleased to send for me -for?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> For—(<i>Somewhat embarrassed</i>) To see these -benches and chairs set in order.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> That is already done, my Lord. Here is -the great chair for your Lordship, a seat for the -President, a table and stool for his Clerk, two -benches for the Lawyers, the middle for the Beau -monde, and the Mob in the back ground. (<i>Exit.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_59"></a>[59]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> He is too cunning; I can get nothing -out of him; but they certainly understand each -other.—They may toy and be as loving as they -please, but as for wedding—</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> SUSAN.</p> -</div> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>She comes up to the Count’s elbow while he is speaking, -and is surprized to see him in such an ill humour.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> My Lord!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> My Lady!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> My Lady has sent me for your Lordship’s -smelling-bottle; she has got the vapours.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Here; and when she has done with it, -borrow it for yourself,—it may be useful.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I the vapours, my Lord! Oh no, that’s -too polite a disease for a Servant to pretend to!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Fits may come;—Love so violent as -yours cannot bear disappointment; and when -Figaro marries Marcelina—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Oh, suppose the worst, my Lord, we can -pay Marcelina with the Portion your Lordship has -promised us!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> I promis’d you a portion?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> If my ears did not deceive me, I understood -as much.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Yes, if you had pleas’d to <i>understand</i> me, -but since you do not.—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Pretending bashfulness</i>) It’s always soon -enough to own one’s weakness, my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>with an instant change of countenance</i>) -What! Wilt thou take a walk this evening in the -garden, by the Pavilion?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Don’t I take Walks every evening, my -Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Nay, nay, but let us understand each -other—No Pavilion, no Marriage.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_60"></a>[60]</span></p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And no Marriage, no Pavilion, my Lord! -(<i>curtsying</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What a witty little Devil! I wonder -what she does to fascinate me so!—But prithee tell -me why hast thou always, till now, refused with -such obstinacy? This very Morning, thou -knowest——</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> This Morning, my Lord!—What, and -the Page behind the Great-chair!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Oh, true! I had forgot!—But when -Basil has spoken to thee in my behalf.—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Is it necessary, my Lord, such a knave -as Basil should know every thing that passes?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> She is right again!—But—(<i>Suspicious</i>) -thou wilt go, now, and tell Figaro all.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> To be sure, my Lord. I always tell him -all—except what is necessary to conceal.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Ah the Hussey! What a charming little -Knave it is! Run, run to thy Mistress; she is waiting, -and may suspect us.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Hesitating</i>) So your Lordship can’t perceive -that I only wanted a pretext to speak to your -Lordship.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Count unable to conceal his transport, is going -to kiss her, but hears somebody coming, and they -separate</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>As he turns.</i>) She absolutely bewitches -me! I had sworn to think no more of her, but -she winds me just as she pleases!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Count goes off, and Figaro enters, but the -Count hearing Figaro’s Voice, returns and -peeps</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Well, my Susan, what does he say?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Hush! Hush! He is just gone—Thou -hast gained thy Cause—Run, run, run.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit Susan, running, Figaro following.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_61"></a>[61]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Well, but how, how, my Charmer?</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt.</i>)</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Re-enter</i> COUNT.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Thou hast gained thy Cause—Aha! -And is it so, my pair of Knaves!—Am I your -Dupe then?—A very pretty Net! But the Cuckoo -is not caught—Come!—Proceed we to judgment! -(<i>With passion</i>) Be we just!—Cool!—Impartial!—Inflexible—</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit.</i>)</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> Don GUZMAN, MARCELINA, <i>and</i> -DOCTOR.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> I shall be happy, Mr. President, to -explain the justice of my Cause.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> To shew you on what grounds this -Lady proceeds.</p> - -<p><i>D. Guzman.</i> (<i>Stuttering</i>) We-e-e-ell, le-et us -exa-a-mine the matter ve-erbally.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> There is a promise of Marriage——</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> I co-o-o-ompre—hend! Gi-i-iven by -you-ou-ou—to—</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> No, Mr. President, given <i>to</i> me.</p> - -<p><i>Guz.</i> I co-o-o-omprehend! Gi-iven <i>to</i> you.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> And a sum of Money which I——</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> I co-o-o-omprehend! Which you-ou -ha-ave received.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> No, Mr. President, which I have -lent.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> I co-o-o-omprehend!—It is re-e-paid.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> No, Mr. President, it is <i>not</i> repaid.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> I co-o-o-omprehend—The m-m-man -would marry you to pay his de-de-de-bts.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> No, Mr. President, he would neither -marry me, <i>nor</i> pay his debts.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_62"></a>[62]</span></p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> D-d—do you think I d-d-d-don’t co-o-omprehend -you?</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> And are you, Mr. President, to judge -this Cause?</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> T-t-t-to be sure—Wha-at else did I -purchase my Place for thi-ink you, (<i>Laughs stupidly -at the supposed folly of the Question</i>) And where -is the De-fe-e-endant?</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> FIGARO.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Here, at your service.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Yes, that’s the Knave.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Perhaps I interrupt you.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Guzman.</i> “Ha-ave not I see-een you before, -young Man?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Oh yes, Mr. President, I once served -your Lady.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> “How lo-ong since?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Nine months before the birth of her -last Child—And a fine Boy it is, though I -say it.</p> - </div> - -<p><span class="omitted"><i>Guzman.</i> “Y-es—He’s the F-flower of the -Flock”—</span> And the cau-ause betwee-een—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> A Bagatelle, Mr. President! A Bagatelle.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> (<i>Laughs.</i>) A Ba-ag-a-telle! A pro-o-mise -of Ma-a-arriage a Ba-a-gatelle! Ha! ha! ha!——And -dost thou hope to ca-ast the Pla-aintiff?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> To be sure, Mr. President! You being -one of the Judges.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> (<i>With stupid dignity</i>) Ye-e-es! I am -one of the Judges!—Hast thou see-een D-D-Doublefee, -my Se-ecretary?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Yes, Mr. President! That’s a duty not -to be neglected.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> The young Fellow is not so si-i-imple -I thought.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_63"></a>[63]</span></p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter Cryer of the Court, Guards, Count, Counsellors -and Vassals.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Cryer.</i> Make room there, for my Lord, the -Count.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Wherefore in your Robes, Don Guzman? -It was unnecessary for a mere domestic -matter like this.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Pa-a-ardon me, my Lord! <span class="omitted">“Those -who would tre-e-emble at the Clerk of the -Court in his Robes, would la-augh at the Judge -without ’em.”</span> Forms! Forms! are sacred things.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>The Count and the Court seat themselves.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Call silence in the Court.</p> - -<p><i>Cryer.</i> Silence in the Court.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Read “over the Causes”, D-D-Doublefee.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Doublefee.</i> “The Count de los Altos Montes di -Agnas Frescas, Señor di Montes Fieros, y otros -Montes, Plaintiff, against Alonzo Calderon, -a Comic Poet. The question at present before -the Court, is, to know the Author of a Comedy -that has been damned; which they mutually -disavow and attribute to each other.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “They are both very right in mutually -disavowing it; and be it decreed, that if, -hereafter, they should produce a successful -Piece, its Fame shall appertain to the Count, and -its Merit to the Poet—The next.</p> - -<p><i>Doublefee.</i> “Diego Macho, Day-labourer, Plaintiff, -against Gil-Perez-Borcado, Tax-gatherer, -and receiver of the Gabels, for having violently -dispossessed the said Diego Macho, Day-labourer, -of his Cow.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “This Cause does not come within my<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_64"></a>[64]</span> -Jurisdiction; but as it is probable the Day-labourer -will never obtain Justice; do thou see, -Figaro, that another Cow be sent him; lest his -Family should be starved—The next.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Doublefee.</i> Marcelina-Jane-Maria<ins class="corr" id="tn-64" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: '-Angelica-Mustacio'"> --Angelica-Mustachio</ins>, -Spinster, Plaintiff, against—(<i>To Figaro</i>) -Here’s no surname!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Anonymous.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Ano-o-onymous—I never heard the -Name before!</p> - -<p><i>Doublefee.</i> Against Figaro Anonymous. What -Profession?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Gentleman.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Gentleman!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I might have been born a Prince, if -Heaven had pleased.</p> - -<p><i>Doublefee.</i> Against Figaro Anonymous, Gentleman, -Defendant. The Question before the -Court relates to a promise of Marriage; the Parties -have retained no Council, contrary to the ancient -and established practice of Courts.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> What occasion for Council? A race of -<ins class="corr" id="tn-64a" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'Gentleman who are'"> -Gentlemen who are</ins> always so very learned, they -know every thing, except their Briefs! Who insolently -interrogate Modesty and Timidity, and -endeavour, by confusing, to make Honesty forswear -itself; and, after having laboured for hours, -with all legal prolixity, to perplex self-evident -Propositions, and bewilder the understandings -of the Judges, sit down as proud as if they had -just pronounced a Phillipic of Demosthenes—(<i>Addressing -himself to the Court</i>) My Lord, and Gentlemen—The -Question before the Court is——</p> - -<p><i>Doublefee.</i> (<i>Interrupting him</i>) It is not you to -speak, you are the Defendant——Who pleads for -the Plaintiff?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_65"></a>[65]</span></p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> I.</p> - -<p><i>Doublefee.</i> You! A Physician turn Lawyer?—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh yes, and equally skilful in both.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Read the Promise of Marriage, Doctor.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Re-e-ead the Pro-o-omise of Marriage.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> (<i>Reads</i>) I acknowledge to have received -of Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, -the sum of two thousand Piasters, in the Castle of -Count Almaviva, which sum I promise to repay -to the said Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, -<i>and</i> to marry her. Signed, Figaro. (<i>Addressing -himself to the Count</i>) My Lord, and Gentlemen! -Hem! Never did cause more interesting, -more intricate, or in which the Interest of Mankind, -their Rights, Properties, Lives and Liberties -were more materially involved, ever claim the -profound Attention of this most learned, most honourable -Court, and from the time of Alexander -the Great, who promised to espouse the beauteous -Thalestris——</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Stop, most formidable Orator; and ere -you proceed, enquire whether the Defendant does -not contest the validity of your Deed.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> (<i>To Figaro</i>) Do you co-ontest the va-va-va-va-lidity -of the Dee-eed?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> My Lord and Gentlemen! Hem! There -is in this Case, either Fraud, Error, Malice, or mischievous -Intention, for the Words of the Acknowledgment -are, I promise to repay the said -Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, the -said sum of two thousand Piasters <i>or</i> to marry her, -which is very different.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> I affirm it is AND.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I affirm it is OR.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Well, suppose it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_66"></a>[66]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> No Supposition, I will have it granted.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Clerk, Read you the Promise.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Re-e-ead the P-P-P-Promise, D-D-D-Double-fee.</p> - -<p><i>Doublefee.</i> (<i>Reads</i>) I acknowledge to have received -of Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, -the sum of two thousand Piasters, in the -Castle of Count Almaviva, which sum I promise -to repay the said Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, -<i>and—or—and—or—or</i>—The Word -is blotted.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> No matter; the Sense of the Phrase is -equally clear. This learned Court is not now to be -informed the word or particle, Or, hath various -significations—It means <i>otherwise</i> and <i>either</i>—It -likewise means <i>before</i>—For example, in the language -of the Poet.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Or</i> ’ere the Sun decline the western Sky,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Tis Fate’s decree the Victims all must die.</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> This was the language of Prophesy, and -spoken of the Doctor’s own Patients.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Count.</i> “Silence in the Court.</p> - -<p><i>Crier.</i> “Silence in the Court.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “Hence then, I clearly deduce (granting -the word to be <i>Or</i>) the Defendant doth -hereby promise, not only to pay the Plaintiff, -but marry her <i>before</i> he pays her—<ins class="corr" id="tn-66" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'Again, the the word'"> -Again, the word</ins> <i>Or</i> doth sometimes signify <i>Wherefore</i>, -as another great and learned Poet hath it,</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="verse indentq">“<i>Or</i> how could heav’nly Justice damn us all,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who ne’er consented to our Father’s Fall?</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>“That is <i>wherefore</i>? For what reason could<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_67"></a>[67]</span> -heavenly Justice do such an unjust thing? Let -us then substitute the adverb <i>Wherefore</i>, and the -intent and meaning of the Promise will be incontestable; -for, after reciting an acknowledgement -of the debt, it concludes with the remarkable -words, <i>Or</i> to marry her, that is, wherefore, -for which reason, out of gratitude, for the Favour -above done me, <i>I will marry her</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Oh most celebrated Doctor? Most -poetic Quibbler!</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="verse indentq">“Hark with what florid Impotence he speaks,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And as his Malice prompts, the Puppet squeaks,</div> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Or</i> at the ear of Eve, familiar Toad,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Half froth, half venom, spits himself abroad</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In legal Puns, <i>or</i> Quibbles, Quirks, <i>or</i> Lies,</div> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Or</i> Spite, <i>or</i> Taunts, <i>or</i> Rhymes, <i>or</i> Blasphemies.</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>“What think you we know not Quotations, and -Poets, and <i>Ands</i>, and <i>Ors</i>, and <i>Whys</i>, and -<i>Wherefores</i>.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="verse indentq">“What Drop <i>or</i> Nostrum, can such Plagues remove,</div> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Or</i> which must end me, a Fool’s Wrath—<i>Or</i> Love?</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p class="right">(<i>Pointing first to the Doctor, and then to Marcelina</i>)</p> - </div> - -<p><span class="omitted">“We have neither forgot our Reading nor our -Syntax, but can easily translate a dull Knave into -a palpable Fool—”</span> My Lord, and Gentlemen, -You hear his Sophisms, Poetical, and Conundrums, -Grammatical.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_68"></a>[68]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Yes, yes, we hear.</p> - -<p>(<i>Count and the Counsellors rise and consult together.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> I’m glad they have put an end to your -prating.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Their Whisperings and wise Grimaces -forebode me no good. That Susan has corrupted -the chief Judge, and he is corrupting all the -others.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> It looks devilish like it.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>The Count and Counsellors resume their seats.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Doublefee.</i> Silence in the Court.</p> - -<p><i>Crier.</i> Silence in the Court.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> The judgment of the Court is, that -since the validity of the promise of Marriage is -not well established, Figaro is permitted to dispose -of his Person.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> The Day’s my own.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> I thought how it would be.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But as the Acknowledgement clearly expresses -the words, <i>Which sum I promise to pay -the said Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, -or to marry her</i>, the said Figaro stands -condemned to pay the two thousand Piasters to -the Plaintiff, or marry her in the course of the -Day.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I’m undone!</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> I am happy!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And I am revenged!</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Thank your noble Lordship! Most -humbly thank your noble Lordship!—Ah ha! I’m -glad thou art not to marry my Niece! I’ll go and -tell her the good news!</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Crier.</i> Clear the Court.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt Guards, Counsellors, and Vassals.</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_69"></a>[69]</span></p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Manent Don Guzman, Figaro, Marcelina and Dr. -Bartholo.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> ’Tis this Furze-ball, this Fungus of a -President that has lost me my Cause.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> I a F-F-Furze-ball and a F-F-Fungus!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Sits down dejected</i>) I will never marry -her.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Thou mu-ust ma-arry her.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> What! Without the Consent of my noble -Parents?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Returning</i>) Where are they? Who are -they?—He will still complain of injustice—Name -them.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Allow me time, my Lord—I must first -know where to find them, and yet it ought not to be -long, for I have been seeking them these five -Years.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> What! A Foundling?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> No Foundling, but stolen from my Parents.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Poh! This is too palpable.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit Count</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Had I no other Proof of my Birth than -the precious Stones, Ring, and Jewels found upon -me, these would be sufficient—but I bear the -Mark——</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>He is going to shew his Arm.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Of a Lobster on your left Arm.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> How do you know that?</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> ’Tis he himself!</p> - -<p><span class="omitted"><i>Figaro.</i> “Yes, it’s me myself.”</span></p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> ’Tis Fernando!</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Thou wert stolen away by Gypsies.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> By Gypsies!—Oh Doctor, if thou can’st -but restore me to my illustrious Parents, <span class="omitted">“Mountains<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_70"></a>[70]</span> -of Gold will not sufficiently speak their -gratitude.”</span></p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Behold thy Mother.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Pointing to Marcelina.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Nurse, you mean!</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Thy own Mother!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Explain!</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> And there behold thy Father.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Pointing to the Doctor.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> He, my Father! Oh Lord! Oh Lord! -Oh Lord! (<i>Stamps about.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> (<i>With great wisdom</i>) It will be no m-m-match—that’s -evi-dent.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Hast thou not felt Nature pleading -within thee, at sight of me?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Never.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina</i>. This was the secret cause of all my -Fondness for thee.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> No doubt—And of my aversion—Instinct -is very powerful.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Come to my arms, my dear, my long -lost Child.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Figaro and Marcelina embrace, the -Doctor leans against the Benches.</i>)</p> -</div> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> ANTONIO <i>and</i> SUSAN.</p> -</div> - -<p class="right">(<i>The latter runs to find the Count</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>In great Agitation</i>) Oh, where is my -Lord? Here is the Money to pay Marcelina with! -The Portion which my noble and generous Lady -has given me!</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> (<i>pulling Susan, and pointing to Figaro, -who kisses Marcelina.</i>) Here! here! Look -this way!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Susan, at seeing them embrace becomes -furious, and is going away, Figaro runs and brings -her back.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_71"></a>[71]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Stop, stop, my Susan.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I have seen enough—Since you are so -fond of her, pray marry her.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Thou art mistaken.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> No, I am not mistaken.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Gives him a slap in the face.</i>)</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Rubbing his Cheek</i>) “This is Love—Pshaw! -Prithee come hither, look at that Lady—How -dost thou like her?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Not at all.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Well said Jealousy, she does not -mince the Matter.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Dear Susan, this, this is my Son!</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Yes, they wanted me to marry my -Mother.”</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> “Your Mother!——It is not long -since——</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “I have known it—True.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Yes, my dearest Susan, embrace thy -Mother—Thy Mother, who will love thee dearly.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And do you consent I shall have my Figaro?</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Willingly. (<i>Susan runs and kisses her</i>) -Here, my Son, here is the Promise.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Gives him the Paper.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And here is the Portion.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Gives him a Purse of Money.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="omitted"><i>Figaro.</i> “My manly Pride would fain make me -restrain my tears, but they flew in spite of me—Well, -let ’em! Let ’em flow! Joys like these -never come twice in one’s Life! Oh, my Mother, -Oh, my Susan!”</span></p> - -<p class="right">(<i>They all three embrace, weeping.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> (<i>weeping.</i>) What a Foo-oo-ool am I! -L-L-Look, if I don’t k-k-k-cry as well as the best -of ’em.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>to the Doctor</i>) My Father.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_72"></a>[72]</span></p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Keep off! I disclaim thee!</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Why then, if you are his Father, you -are a Turkish Jew, and no Christian Father.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> A Knave that tricked me of my Ward, -cheated me of my Money, and now has been -turning my Wisdom into ridicule.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And are not you, being a wise Man, -proud to have a Son wiser than yourself?</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> No—I would have no one wiser than -myself.</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Come, come, look you, I am <span class="omitted">“a good -Catholic, and”</span> an old Castilian, therefore, unless -your Father and Mother become lawful Man -and Wife, I will never consent to give you my -Niece. No, no, she sha’n’t marry a man who is -the child of Nobody, neither.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Here’s an old Fool!—The Child of -Nobody, Ha! ha! ha! (<i>Laughs stupidly, and then -assumes great Wisdom</i>) Hav’n’t you lived long -enough to know that every Child must have a Father?</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “Consider, good Doctor, your Promise, -if ever our Child was found.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “Pshaw!</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “And here is a Son you surely need -not be ashamed of.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Ah my dear Pappa!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “My generous, worthy Father.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Susan strokes his Cheek, Figaro kneels, and Marcelina -coaxes him.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “You don’t know how we will all love -you.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “What care we will take of you.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “How happy we will make you.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “Good Doctor, dear Pappa, generous -Father! (<i>Bursts out a crying</i>) See, if I am not even<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_73"></a>[73]</span> -a greater Foo-oo-ool than Mr. President! (<i>Guzman -staggers back at the Doctor’s Compliment</i>) -they mould me like Dough, lead me like a -Child. (<i>Marcelina, Susan, and Figaro testify their -Joy by their Actions.</i>) Nay, nay, but I hav’n’t -yet said yes.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “But you have thought yes.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “And look’d yes.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Come, come, we must be quick; let -us run and find the Count, otherwise he will invent -some new pretext to break off the Match.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt Doctor, Marcelina, Figaro and Susan.</i>)</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Manent Don</i> GUZMAN.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> “A greater Foo-oo-ool than Mr. -President!—The People in this House are truly -very stupid and ill bred.”</p> - </div> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit.</i>)</p> - -<p class="p4 center">End of <span class="lsp2">ACT</span> III.</p> - - </div> - - <div class="width30"> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_74"></a>[74]</span><br /></p> - -<h2 class="p2 nobreak" id="ACT_IV">ACT IV.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center">SCENE, a large Saloon.</p> - -<p class="center">FIGARO <i>and</i> SUSAN, <i>both joyous</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i></p> - -<p class="moveup drop-capy">She has converted her Doctor at last—They -are to be married, and these -so late implacable Enemies are now become our -dearest Friends.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> What unexpected Happiness!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Chance, my Susan—All the effect of -Chance—<span class="omitted">“Yesterday, without a Relation in the -World I could claim, to-day, behold me restored -to my Parents—True it is, they are -neither so rich nor so right honorable, so belaced -nor betitled as my imagination had -painted them—But that’s all one, they are -mine”</span>—I may truly be called both a Chance -Child, and a Child of Chance—By Chance was I -begot, by Chance brought into the World, by -Chance was I stole, by Chance am I found, by -Chance have I lived, and by Chance I shall die—Chance -is Nature’s Sovereign, and must be -mine.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Yes, and by Chance thou mayst come -to be hang’d. (<i>Laughs.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Or thou to be an Empress—Neither of -them are impossible—He, the Conqueror, whose -Ambition ravages the Earth, and whose Pride -eats up Nations, is not less the sport of Chance<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_75"></a>[75]</span> -than the blind Beggar who is conducted by -his dog.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Ha, ha, ha!—Prithee leave thy Philosophy, -and—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And think of that other blind beggar, -Love—Most willingly, my Angel. (<i>Kisses her.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Pooh, Pooh!—That was not what I -meant.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Rather say it was not half thy meaning, -or thy meaning ill expressed. (<i>Kisses her again.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Ah, Figaro! Were this fondness, these -days but durable—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Durable!—Iron and Adamant—No; -may millions of imaginary Gallants wrack my -heart and decorate my—</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Susan.</i> “No rhodomantade, Figaro—Tell me -the simple truth.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “By the truest of all Truths I swear—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Truest of Truths!—Are there various -kinds of Truths then?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “No doubt.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Fie!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “There are Truths that may be spoken: -such as the Peccadillos of a poor Rascal! -Truths that may not be spoken: such as the -Robberies of a rich Rascal—There are your -Truths comprehensible: such as that two and two -make four; and your Truths incomprehensible: -such as that two and two make five—Then -there are your Tradesman’s Truths, which he -retails to his Customers, your Lover’s Truths, -which he pours wholesale into his Mistress’s -ear—Your Courtier’s Truths, on which he feeds -his Dependants and Parasites—Your Court of -Law, or Kiss-the-Book Truths, which are the -daily support of a <i>vast</i> number of <i>very</i><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_76"></a>[76]</span> -<ins class="corr" id="tn-76" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'honest ple'"> -honest people</ins>—There are also your physical and metaphysical -Truths—Your old Truths and your new -Truths—Your heterodox and orthodox Truths—Your -Mahometan Truths, your Jewish Truths, -and your—other kind of truths, concerning -which there never was nor ever will be any -doubt—Not to mention your Truths <i>in</i> fashion: -such as that Idleness, Ignorance, Dissipation, -Gaming and Seduction are the requisites of a -Gentleman—And your Truths <i>out</i> of fashion: -such as that Gentleness, Obedience, Œconomy, -and connubial Love are the requisites of a <i>Gentlewoman</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “I find by your account of the matter, -Figaro, that poor Truth, like a Lottery Ticket, -is so divided and sub-divided, so halved, quartered, -cut, carv’d, split and spliced, it is no -where entire to be found.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “No where.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “And moreover, that what is Truth to-day -may be a Lie to-morrow.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “May be! Must be.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “Consequently, that in less than twenty-four -hours, my very tender submissive, ardent -Lover may be metamorphosed into an arbitrary, -cold, haughty <i>Husband</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Impossible!—Impossible, my Susan! -As it is for thee, my gentle, kind, and beauteous -Bride, to be transformed into an ill-tempered, -extravagant slatternly <i>Wife</i>.</p> - </div> - -<p><span class="omitted"><i>Susan.</i> “I understand thee”</span>—Well, Well—We -will endeavour to convert the iron Bands of -Matrimony into a flowery Wreath which Love -shall teach us to bear lightly and joyously through -Life.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_77"></a>[77]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Aye, and thus live a happy Exception -to the established usage of a mad World.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> But prithee, who is to go disguised and -meet the Count?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Who?—Nobody—Let him wait and -fret, and bite his Nails—I never meant thou -shouldst go.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I assure thee I never had any inclination.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Is that the real Truth, Susan?”</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “What! Thinkest thou I am as learned -as thou art? And that I keep several sorts of -Truths?”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>With fond Vivacity</i>). And dost thou -love me?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Tenderly</i>). Too much, I doubt.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Ah!—That’s but little.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> How!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> In Love’s Creed, too much is not even -enough.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I understand nothing of this over-refinement, -but I feel I shall love my Husband most -heartily.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Keep thy word, and put our modern -Wives to the blush.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Afford them a subject to laugh and point -at, thou mean’st.</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter the</i> COUNTESS.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Wherever you meet One of them, be -certain you shall find a Pair. (<i>They salute the -Countess</i>)—The Bridesmen and Maids wait for you, -Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I will take my excuse in my hand—(<i>Going -to lead out Susan</i>)—Few offenders can plead -so charming a one.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> No, no; stop Susan: I want you—She<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_78"></a>[78]</span> -shall come presently. (<i>Exit Figaro</i>).—Well, -Susan, the time approaches, we must prepare for -the Rendezvous.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Susan.</i> “I must not go, Madam, Figaro is unwilling.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Angry</i>). “Figaro!—Figaro is not so -scrupulous when a Marriage-portion is in question—That’s -a poor Pretence; you are sorry -you have told the truth, and discovered the -Intentions of the Count.—Go, go—I am not to -be so deceived. (<i>Going</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Catching hold of her and kneeling</i>). “Ah, -Madam! Let me conjure you to hear me, to -pardon me.—How can you think me capable -of deceiving so good, so liberal a Lady, -whose bounties I have so often felt!——Oh, -no; it is because I have promised Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Mildly and Smiling</i>). “Rise—Hast -thou forgot, silly Girl, that it is I who am -to go and not thee.—(<i>Kisses her forehead</i>)—But—I -was too hasty.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “My dear, my generous Mistress.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> And what is the place of Rendezvous?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> The Pavilion in the Garden.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> There are two.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> But they are opposite.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> True—At what hour?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I don’t know.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> That must be fixed—Sit down, take -the pen and write—</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Susan sits down, the Countess -dictates</i>)</p> - - -<p class="p1 center lsp2">A NEW SONG,</p> - -<p class="center">To the Tune of,</p> - -<p class="center"><i>The Twilight past, the Bell had toll’d</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Writes</i>). New song—Tune of—Bell had -toll’d—What next, Madam?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_79"></a>[79]</span></p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Dost think he will not understand -thee?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Looking archly at the Countess</i>). Very -true—(<i>Folding up the Letter</i>)—But here is neither -Wax nor Wafer.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Fasten it with a Pin, and write on the -direction, <i>Return the Seal</i>. (<i>Smiling.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Laughs</i>) The Seal!—(<i>Gets up.</i>)—This is -not quite so serious as the Commission just now -was.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Sighs</i>). Ah, Susan.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> I have never a Pin.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Take this.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Gives her one which fastened -the Page’s riband to her breast; it falls.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Picking up the riband</i>) This is the Page’s -riband, Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Wouldst thou have me let him wear -it? It will do for Agnes; I will give it her the -first Bouquet she presents me.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Just as the Countess -has said this, Agnes and a troop of young -Maidens, among them the Page, in girl’s -cloaths, enter with nosegays for the Countess, -who instantly puts the riband in her pocket, -with an evident wish, by her looks and action, -to preserve it.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Looking at the Page</i>) What pretty -maiden is this?</p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> A Cousin of mine, Madam, that we have -invited to the Wedding.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Well, then, as we can wear but one -nosegay, let us do honour to the Stranger. (<i>Takes -the Nosegay from the Page, and kisses his forehead.</i>—(<i>Aside -to Susan</i>) Don’t you think, Susan, she resembles -amazingly—(<i>Stops short, and looks at Susan</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Amazingly, indeed, Madam!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_80"></a>[80]</span></p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> (<i>Aside</i>) What a precious kiss! I feel it -here. (<i>Putting his hand on his heart.</i>)</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter the Count, and Antonio with a hat in his hand.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> (<i>As he enters</i>) Yes, yes, my Lord, I’m -certain it was him. The rakish little Rascal is disguised -among the Girls. I found his new hat and -cockade here—hid in a basket. (<i>The Countess and -Susan surprised, look at the Page, and then at each -other. The girls surround and endeavour to hide Hannibal; -Antonio seeks among them</i>). Ay, ay, here he -is—here he is. (<i>Antonio takes off his cap, and puts on -his hat</i>) There, my Lord! There’s a pretty, modest -Virgin for you!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Well, my Lady!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Well, my Lord!—I am as much surprized -as you can be; and, I assure you, not less -vex’d.—At present, however, it is time to tell you -the whole Truth: This young gentleman (<i>Pointing -to the Page</i>) was hid in my Dressing-room.—We -attempted a Joke, which these Girls have put in -practice.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But wherefore hide him from me?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Because, my Lord, when your Passions -are predominant, you are incapable of either listening -to or believing the Truth.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Aside</i>) Must I for ever be disturbed, -haunted, and bewitch’d thus by this beardless Boy? -(<i>Turning with great wrath towards the Page</i>) What -is the reason, Sir, you have not obeyed my Commands?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> (<i>Draws back frightened, and takes off his -hat</i>) My-my-my Lord, I staid to teach Agnes the -Love scene she is to play in the Comedy this evening.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_81"></a>[81]</span></p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> (<i>Steps forward</i>) Ah, my Lord, when you -come to my room, you know, and want to kiss -me—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> I!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Countess remarks his embarrassment, -Susan laughs silently, and makes -signs to the Countess</i>).</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> Yes, my Lord! You say to me, My pretty -Agnes, if you will but love me, I will give you -any thing you wish to have; now, my Lord, if you -will give me Hannibal for a husband, I will love -you with all my heart.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> You hear, my Lord!—Has not the simplicity -of this Child’s confession, as artless as the -one I have this moment made, sufficiently justified -my Conduct? And do not circumstances prove, how -injurious your Suspicions have been, and how well -founded mine? (<i>Count bows to the Countess.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> You see, my Lord, what a giddy young -thing it is.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And very loving too.</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Her mother, as every body knows, was -just such another.</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> FIGARO.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Come, my pretty Maidens, come. -(<i>Turns to the Count</i>) While you keep the Lasses -here, my Lord, we can neither begin our Procession -nor our Dances.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Gravely putting on his hat</i>) Why surely, -Sir, you don’t intend to dance.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Why not, my Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What! With a hurt in your ancle?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh! Is that all?—It pains me a little, -to be sure; but that’s a trifle—Come Girls.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_82"></a>[82]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Turning him back</i>) You were very lucky -to light upon such soft ground.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Exceedingly, my Lord:—Come Lasses.</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> (<i>Turning him back on the other side</i>) And -then you double yourself up, when you take a -leap? Yet, like a Cat, you fall on your feet.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> What then?—Come Gir—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But how unhappy the poor Youth will be -about his Commission.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> What is the meaning of all this, my -Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> (<i>Bringing the Page forward</i>) Do you -know this bashful young Lady?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> The Devil! Hannibal!—(<i>Aside.</i>) Well, -and what Riddle has he to propound?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> No Riddle, Sir, but a simple matter of -fact:—He affirms, it was he who jump’d out of the -window.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Does he?—Well, if he say so, I suppose -it is so.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> How! What two at a time?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Two? Twenty! Why not, my Lord? -One sheep begins, and the rest naturally follow: -(<i>Flourish of Music without</i>) Come, come, my merry -Maidens, don’t you hear the music? Quick, -quick, run, run, run.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt Susan and Figaro, with the Girls.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>To the Page</i>) Harkee, little Rascal, begone, -instantly; put off your Petticoats, and don’t -stir out of your room the rest of the day.—Take -care, Sir, I don’t meet you again.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> (<i>Putting on his hat</i>) No matter—I bare -away that upon my forehead, which would compensate -for an age of imprisonment. (<i>Exit joyously</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Looks at the Countess, who recollects the -kiss she had just given the Page</i>) His forehead! What<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_83"></a>[83]</span> -is it he bears away so triumphantly upon his forehead?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Embarrassed</i>) A—His Officer’s hat, -I suppose. Every new Bauble pleases a Child.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Going.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> The Procession is coming, will not your -Ladyship stay and be a witness of your Favourite’s -happiness?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> As your Lordship pleases.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter the Procession of the two Weddings. A March -is played; Doctor Bartholo and Marcelina are preceded -by Cryer of the Court, Guards, Doublefee, Counsellors, -Don Guzman; after them come Antonio, Figaro, -and Susan, followed by the Bridesmen and Maids, and a -troop of Dancers. They all salute the Count and Countess -as they pass; and after making the tour of the stage, -Antonio presents his Niece to the Count; Susan kneels, -one of the Bridemaids gives the Count the nuptial Cap; -and Susan, while the Count is placing it on her head, -plucks him by the cloak, and shews him the Note she -had just before written. He pretends to keep adjusting -the Cap, and slily reaches to take the Note, which he -instantly claps in his bosom, having previously unbuttoned -himself for that purpose. While this is transacting -a Castanet-Dance is performed. As soon as Susan -rises, she purposely places herself before the Countess, -to encourage the Count to read the Note, who accordingly -steps forward, is going to open it, and pricks his -finger with the Pin, which he plucks out and throws -angrily on the floor.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> These Women and their curst Pins.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Aside to his Mother laughing</i>) The Count -has received a Billet-doux from some pretty <ins class="corr" id="tn-83" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'Girl, ealed with'"> -Girl, sealed with</ins> a Pin! This is a new fashion, which -he does not seem to admire.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Count reads the Note, -is exceedingly pleased, folds it up again, and -reads on the outside, “Return the Seal;” he<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_84"></a>[84]</span> -pretends to walk carelessly about the stage, but -is all the while looking earnestly for the pin he -had thrown away, which he at last finds, picks -up and sticks upon his Sleeve.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>To his Mother</i>) Every thing is precious -that appertains to a beloved object.—He picks up -the very Pin, you see.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>All this while Susan and the -Countess remark what is passing with laughter, -and private looks and gestures.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Rising</i>) Come with me, Susan. We -shall soon be back, my Lord. (<i>Aside to Susan</i>) Let -us make haste and exchange dresses.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt Countess and Susan.</i></p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Crier.</i> “Guards! Guards!—This way, Guards! -(<i>Places the Guards at the door, runs up to the -Count</i>) My Lord, here’s Mr. Basil coming, my -Lord, with the whole Village at his heels; because -he has been singing all the way he went.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Orpheus and the Brutes. But I’ll make -him change his Tune.”</p> - </div> - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> BASIL <i>singing, followed by</i> BOUNCE.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> So, Mr. Basil, what is your will and pleasure?</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Basil.</i> “After having fulfilled your Lordship’s -commands, by amusing this honest Gentleman——</p> - -<p><i>Bounce.</i> “Me, my Lord? I assure your Lordship -he has not amused me in the least.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “I now return to enforce my claims on -Marcelina.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Look you, Sir—Should you venture -but to cast one look, or approach one step nearer -that Lady——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_85"></a>[85]</span></p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “Let him speak, Figaro, let him speak.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> “Oh f-f-fie!—What f-f-friends!—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “I disclaim such friendship.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “And I——Error in Judgment, Mr. -President.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “He!—A Street-corner Ballad-Bawler!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “As good, at least, as a Barber-Surgeon!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Who hashes up a dinner out of Horse-hair -and Catgut!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Who has hungrily devoured Razors and -Hones, and fed half his life upon Froth! -(<i>Imitates beating up a Lather.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “The high Priest of Pimps!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “The vile Drudge of Intrigue!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Execrated by those he serves!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Gulled by his own Cunning!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “So great a Fool, Knavery itself cannot -make him thrive!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “So stupid, he never yet could invent a -probable Lie!</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> } “Hold, hold.<br /> - <i>Guzman.</i> }</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “A Pedantic!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Pert!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Preposterous!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Pragmatical!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Braying!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Lop-eared!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Ass!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “How now!—Is this all the Respect you -shew?—</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “You hear, my Lord, how he insults me! -When, it is well known, there is not, in all Andalusia, -a more eminent!——</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Empty!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Able!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_86"></a>[86]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Abject!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Musician!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Miscreant!</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Is this to be borne?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Whose countenance prophecies of -Pillories, Scaffolds, and the stretching of Hemp; -and whose whole appearance is a continual Memento -of public Calamity, Plague, Pestilence, -and Famine;—A Misericordia, Sackcloth-and-ashes -Knave;—A Scape Goat, that looks like a -Jew in the yellow Jaundice.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Doctor Bartholo and -Don Guzman prevent Basil from falling upon -Figaro.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “Do you think this proper, Mr. Figaro?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Why not, my Lord?—Let him listen -to Truth, since he is too Poor to pay Parasites -and Liars.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “Silence, Sir!—Let us hear, Mr. Basil, -what you have to say.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “(<i>Composing himself</i>) I demand the hand -of Marcelina, my Lord, who promised to -marry me.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “On what condition was this promise -made?</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “That I should adopt your lost Son, -if ever you should be happy enough to -find him.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> “Well.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “He is found.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Where is he?</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “Here he stands. (<i>Pointing to Figaro</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> “The-e-e-ere he stands.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “He!—Oh, my curst Stars!</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> “Do you re-e-nounce your pre-e-tentions -to his de-e-ear Mother?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_87"></a>[87]</span></p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “Renounce!—As I would renounce the -Devil and all his Works.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “What! Renounce your best Friend?—But -that’s like your Rogue’s tricks.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> “I will not live under the same roof -with him—I would rather even quit the service -of my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Don’t be uneasy, I shan’t trouble you -long—Restored to my Parents, and married to -my Susan, I shall retire and live in Peace.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “(<i>Aside</i>) And I shall retire to meet my -Mistress.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> “So every body is sa-a-tisfied.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Let the marriage Contracts be prepared, -and I will sign them.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Thanks, gracious Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Bounce.</i> And I will go and prepare the Fireworks -in the Garden, near the Pavilion.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Returning</i>) Who, pray Sir, gave you -those Orders?—The Countess is too much indisposed -to come out; let them, therefore, be played -off in front of the Castle, facing her Windows—(<i>Aside</i>)—The -Rascal was going to set fire to my -Place of Rendezvous! (<i>Exeunt</i>).</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Manent</i> FIGARO <i>and</i> MARCELINA.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> How attentive he is to his Wife.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> <span class="omitted">“It is necessary”</span>—My dear Figaro, -<span class="omitted">“I should undeceive thee respecting my former -false accusations of Susan—Basil has always told -me she obstinately refused to listen to the -Count’s Overtures, and”</span> I am both sorry and -ashamed to have excited thy Jealousy.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_88"></a>[88]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh, be under no apprehensions, my -dear Mother; Jealousy is the foolish Child of -Pride, the Disease of a Madman—My Philosophy -is invulnerable to its poisonous Arrows. -(<i>Figaro turns and sees Agnes just behind him, coming -down the Stage</i>).—So! What you have been listening, -my little inquisitive Cousin?</p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> Oh, no; they tell me that is not -polite.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Then what’s your errand?—He is not -here.</p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> Who?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Hannibal.</p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> Oh, I know that very well—I know -where he is—I want my Cousin Susan.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Aye!—And what do you want with -her?</p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> Not much; only to give her a Pin.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Starts</i>) A Pin! (<i>Striding about in great -anger</i>) A Pin!—And how dare you, you little -Hussey, undertake such Messages?—What! Have -you learnt your trade already?—(<i>Marcelina makes -a sign to Figaro, who recollects himself, and endeavours -to disguise his feelings</i>)—Come, come, my -pretty Cousin, don’t be frighten’d, I was but in -joke—I—I—I know all about it; it’s a Pin that -my Lord has sent by you to Susan.</p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> Since you know so well, why need you -ask me then?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Coaxing</i>) Only to hear what my Lord -said when he sent thee on this errand.</p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> Here, said he, here, my pretty little -Agnes, take this Pin to thy Cousin Susan, and -tell her it is the Seal of the new Song about the -Twilight and the Pavilion.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And the——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_89"></a>[89]</span></p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> The Pavilion—And take great care, said -he, that nobody sees thee.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Well, well, I was but joking; go and -execute thy Message faithfully, exactly as my -Lord bade thee.</p> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> Law! My Cousin takes me for a Ninny, -I believe. (<i>Exit skipping</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> So, my Mother!</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> So, my Son!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Here’s a sweet Daughter!—A delightful -Bride!—And will be a most virtuous Wife!——(<i>Walking -up and down with great agitation</i>)——A -false—Deceitful—I’m happy, however, I have -found her out—I will detect, expose, and abandon -her!</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Nay, but gently, my Son, gently; -recollect that Jealousy is the disease of a Madman, -and that your Philosophy is invulnerable.—Fie! -fie!—All this passion about a Pin!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> A Pin that has wounded me to the -heart!—Didn’t we see the Count pick it up?</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> We did so; but how can we tell -whether she means to deceive thee or him?—Art -thou sure she will go to the Rendezvous; and -wilt thou condemn her without hearing her?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I am sorry—I am a Fool—And yet!—If -she should be false!</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> Nay, but my dear Figaro——</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Well, well; I will be calm—Yes, my -amorous Count, you will at least meet with somebody -you don’t expect—If you do not make -haste we shall be at the Pavilion, as soon as your -Lordship!</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt</i>).</p> - -<p class="p4 center wsp">The End of <span class="lsp2">ACT</span> IV.</p> - - </div> - - <div class="width30"> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_90"></a>[90]</span><br /></p> - -<h2 class="p2 nobreak" id="ACT_V">ACT V.</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="center">SCENE, <i>the Garden</i>,</p> - -<p class="center"><i>With walks of cut trees in the back ground, and two -Pavilions, one on each side of the stage</i>.</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> AGNES. (<i>A lanthorn in one hand, and -two cakes and an orange in the other</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><ins class="corr" id="tn-90" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'speaker name missing'"> -<i>Agnes.</i></ins></p> -<p class="moveup drop-capy">The Pavilion to the left? Ay, that’s it.—But -if he should not come soon!—He has -not half learnt me my part yet—Poor thing, he -hasn’t eat any thing all day; and the cross, good-for-nothing -Cook would not give me a morsel for -him; so I was obliged to ask the Butler for these -Cakes and this Orange:—It cost me a good kiss on -the cheek, but I know who’ll repay—Oh dear, -here’s somebody coming!—</p> - - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> FIGARO, <i>disguised in a red Rocquelaure</i>; -Doctor Bartholo, Don Guzman, Basil, Antonio. -<i>Figaro imagines at first Agnes to be Susan; and, as -it is too dark to see, endeavours to follow the sound -of her voice, having entered while she was speaking. -Agnes enters the Pavilion on the left.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I was mistaken, ’tis Agnes! (<i>They all -grope down the stage till they get round Figaro</i>) What -a clock is it?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_91"></a>[91]</span></p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Almost near the moon’s rising.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> What a gloomy night.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> We look like so many Conspirators.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> You understand, Gentlemen, why you -are come hither—It is to be Witnesses of the Conduct -of the virtuous Bride I am soon to espouse, -and the honourable Lord who has graciously bestowed -her upon me.</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> (<i>Aside</i>) This will be a precious Revenge.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Remember, Figaro, a wise Man has -never any Contest with the Great; it is the Battle -of Don Quixote with the Windmills; they whirl -and dash you to a Distance, without once altering -or retarding their Course.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Rather remember they have not courage -to oppress any but Cowards.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> He’s mad.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Ye-e-es, he is ma-a-ad.</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> But what about?</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> A certain Rendezvous;—Come this way, -and I’ll tell you the whole.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Hide yourselves hereabouts, and come -running the Moment you hear me call.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> He is turning Fool.</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Ye-e-es, he’s turning foo-oo-ool—Stay -and take ca-are of him.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exeunt.</i></p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Manent</i> Figaro <i>and</i> Doctor.</p> -</div> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Oh Woman, Woman, Woman! Inconstant, weak, -deceitful Woman!—But each Animal -is obliged to follow the instinct of its Nature; and -it is thine to betray!——What, after swearing -this very Morning to remain for ever Faithful; -and on the identical Day! The bridal Day!——</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> “Patience.</p> - </div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_92"></a>[92]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> <span class="omitted">“I even saw her laugh with Delight, -while he read her Billet!——They think themselves -secure, but perhaps they yet may be deceived.”</span>——No, -my very worthy Lord and -Master, you have not got her yet.—What! Because -you are a great Man, you fancy yourself a -great Genius.—<span class="omitted">“Which way?—How came you to -be the rich and mighty Count Almaviva? Why -truly, you gave yourself the Trouble to be born! -While the obscurity in which I have been cast -demanded more Abilities to gain a mere Subsistence -than are requisite to govern Empires. -And what, most noble Count, are your Claims -to Distinction, to pompous Titles, and immense -Wealth, of which you are so proud, and which, -by Accident, you possess? For which of your -Virtues? Your Wisdom? Your Generosity? -Your Justice?—The Wisdom you have acquired -consists in vile Arts, to gratify vile -Passions; your Generosity is lavished on your -hireling Instruments, but whose Necessities make -them far less Contemptible than yourself; and -your Justice is the inveterate Persecution of -<ins class="corr" id="tn-92" title="Transcriber’s Note—Original text: 'those who who have'"> -those who have</ins> the Will and the Wit to -resist your Depredations.”</span> But this has ever -been the Practice of the <i>little</i> Great; those they -cannot degrade, they endeavour to crush.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Be advised, Figaro—be calm—there has -ever been a Respect paid—</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> To Vice—where it is not due.—Shame -light on them that pay it.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Consider, he is——</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> A Lord—and I am—a Man!—Yes, I am -a Man, but the nocturnal Spells of that enchantress -Woman, soon shall make me a Monster. <span class="omitted">“Why, -what an Ass am I!—Acting here the idiot part<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_93"></a>[93]</span> -of a (<i>Strikes his forehead</i>)—a—Husband—Altho’ -I am but half finished.”</span></p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Agnes peers out of the Pavilion, -and approaches a little way to listen</i>.)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Agnes.</i> Is that Hannibal?</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> I hear somebody! (<i>Agnes hears the voice -of the Doctor, and runs in again</i>) I will retire, but -if you are wise, you will wait the Event patiently; -your suspicions may be unjust,—should they prove -real, then shake her from you, as her Ingratitude -deserves.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> <span class="omitted">“Oh, how easy it is for the prayer mumbling -Priest to bid the Wretch on the Rack suffer -patiently. (<i>Figaro listens</i>) I hear nothing—all is -silent—and dark as their designs. (<i>Figaro pulls -off his Roquelaure, and throws it on a Garden-bench</i>) -Why, what a Destiny is mine—Am I for ever -doom’d to be the foot-ball of Fortune?—Son of -I knew not who, stol’n I knew not how, and -brought up to I knew not what, lying and thieving -excepted, I had the sense, tho’ young, to -despise a life so base, and fled such infernal Tutors. -My Genius, tho’ cramp’d, could not be -totally subdued, and I spent what little time -and money I could spare in Books and Study. -Alas! it was but time and money thrown away. -Desolate in the world, unfriended, unprotected, -my poor stock of knowledge not being whip’d -into me by the masculine hic hæc hoc hand of -a School-master, I could not get Bread, much -less Preferment.——Disheartened by the failure -of all my projects, I yet had the audacity to attempt -a Comedy, but as I had the still greater -audacity to attack the favorite Vice of the favorite -Mistress, of the favorite Footman of the -favorite Minister, I could not get it licensed.—It -happened about that time, that the fashionable -Question of the day was an enquiry into the real<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_94"></a>[94]</span> -and imaginary Wealth of Nations; and, as it is not -necessary to possess the thing you write about, I, -with lank Cheeks, pennnyless Purse, and all the -simplicity of a Boy, or a Philosopher, freely described -the true causes of national Poverty: when suddenly -I was awaken’d in my bed at Mid-night, and -entrusted to the tender care of his Catholic Majesty’s -Mirmidons, whose Magic-power caused -the heavy gates of an old Castle to fly open at -my approach, where I was graciously received, -lodged, and ornamented, according to the -fashion of the place, and provided with Straw, -and Bread, and Water gratis. My ardor for -Liberty sufficiently cool’d. I was once more turned -adrift into the wide World, with leave to provide -Straw and Bread and Water for myself.—On -this my second birth, I found all Madrid -in Raptures, concerning a most generous Royal -Edict, lately published, in favor of the Liberty of -the Press: and I soon learnt, that, provided I -neither spoke of the Wealth of Nations in my -writings, nor of the Government, nor of Religion, -nor of any Corporate-Companies, nor offended -the favorite Mistress of the Minister’s favorite -Footman, nor said any one thing which could -be twisted into a reference, or hint, derogatory to -any one Individual, who had more powerful friends -than I had, I was at liberty to write, freely, all, -and whatever I pleased, under the inspection of -some two or three Censors!——Soon after this, -a Place happened to be vacant, which required -a person well acquainted with Calculation; I -offered my Services; my Abilities were not questioned; -I waited, in anxious expectation of the Event, -and, in three days, learnt it had been bestowed, -two days before, upon a Dancing-master.—Persecuted<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_95"></a>[95]</span> -by Creditors, tired of starving, and -unable, through the feebleness of Youth to sustain -so unequal a Struggle, I had the weakness, -at last, to sink before Temptation, and set -up a Pharaoh Bank. And now, for once, behold -the Scene changed! See me equally familiar -with Lords as with their Lacquies! Every door was -open to me! Every hand held out! But, notwithstanding -my desire to be Something in this world, -my detestation of the brazen Effrontery, profound -Ignorance, and insupportable Insolence of -these fashionable Friends of Nobility was so innate -that I found I could better endure all the Miseries -of Poverty than the Disgrace and Disgust of such -Society.—Quitting, therefore, with contempt this -new Trade, and leaving false Shame behind me, as -a burthen too heavy for a Foot-passenger, I once -more took up my strap and hone, and travelled -for employment from Town to Town.——At -Seville I found a Lord mad to marry his Mistress; -my Wit procured him what his could not, -a Wife; and, in return, he gratefully endeavours -to Seduce mine—Strange concatenation of circumstance! -My Parents all at once claim me!—’Tis -he, ’tis she, ’tis me, ’tis—I don’t know -who!—I came into the world without my -Knowledge, and I shall go out on’t without my -Will; and thus do I continue to torment myself -about this Being of mine, without understanding -what this Being is, what it was, what -it shall be, whence it came, where it is, or whither -it shall go.—I only know it to be a compound -of Contradictions! A little, wise, foolish -Animal, ardent in the pursuit of Pleasure, capricious -through Vanity, laborious from Necessity, but<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_96"></a>[96]</span> -indolent by Choice. After having exhausted -every Art for enjoyment, and every Profession -for a livelihood, I found myself intoxicated by a -heavenly Illusion, that has vanish’d at my -approach!—Vanished!—And is it vanish’d?”</span>—Oh -Susan! Susan!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Figaro sinks melancholy upon the -garden-seat; but being suddenly roused by a -noise, wraps himself up in his Rocquelaure.</i></p> -</div> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter softly, in each other’s dress, the</i> COUNTESS -<i>and</i> SUSAN, <i>followed by</i> MARCELINA.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> So Figaro is to be here. (<i>In an under -voice</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> He is here.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Thus one is come to lay the Springe, and -the other to seize the Game.</p> - -<p><i>Marcelina.</i> I will go and hide myself in this -Pavilion, where I shall hear all.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit into the Pavilion -on the left.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> We may begin. (<i>Speaks louder</i>) If my -Lady does not want me, I will walk and enjoy the -fresh air.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh, the Cocatrice.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> It may give thee cold.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Oh no, my Lady.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh no! She’ll not take cold to-night. (<i>Aside</i>).</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Susan retires a little towards the -Pavilion on the left; Hannibal is heard singing, -and, as he enters, perceives the Countess, -in Susan’s dress.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Is that Agnes, yonder? (<i>He approaches</i>)<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_97"></a>[97]</span> -By her long Lappets and white Feathers, it must be -Susan. (<i>Comes up and takes hold of the Countess’s hand</i>. -Ah, my dear Susan!</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Let me go. (<i>In a feigned voice.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Come, Come; don’t be so coy. I know -it is not Figaro you are waiting for, it is my Lord -the Count—What! Did not I hear, this Morning, -when I was behind the great Chair?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Aside</i>). The babbling little Villain.</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter the</i> COUNT <i>behind, and hears the Page</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Is not that somebody with Susan?—(<i>Advances -close up to them, and draws back in a -fury</i>).—’Tis that infernal Page again.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Susan keeps -out of the way and silently laughing.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> ’Tis in vain to say no:—Since thou art -going to be the Representative of the Countess, -I am determined to give the one kiss for thyself, -and a hundred for thy beauteous Lady.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> <span class="omitted">(<i>Aside</i>). “As impudent as a Page, says -the Proverb.”</span></p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The Countess draws back to avoid being kissed -by the Page, and the Count advances and -presents himself in her place; the Page feels -the rough beard of the Count, and suddenly -retreats, crying in an under voice</i>)—Oh, the -Devil!—The Count again!</p> -</div> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit Page into the Pavilion on the left.</i>)</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>While this passes, Figaro likewise advances to -drive the Page from Susan; meanwhile the -Count, on the Page’s supposed next approach, -prepares to give him a proper reception</i>).</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Thinking he speaks to the Page</i>). Since -you are so fond of kissing, take that. -(<i>Gives Figaro -a severe box on the ear</i>).</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_98"></a>[98]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I have paid for listening. (<i>Susan cannot -contain herself, but bursts out a laughing</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Hears her laugh</i>). Why this is inconceiveable!—Do -such Salutations make the impudent -Rascal laugh?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> It would be strange if he should cry -this time. (<i>Aside</i>).</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Count and Countess approach</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> But let us not lose the precious moments, -my charming Susan!—Let these Kisses speak my ardour! -(<i>Kisses the Countess several times with rapture</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Aside, and beating his forehead</i>). Oh! -Oh! Oh!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Why dost thou tremble?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Continuing her feigned voice</i>). Because -I am afraid.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Thou seemest to have got a cold. (<i>Takes -the Countess’s hand between his own, and amorously -strokes and kisses her fingers</i>). What a sweet, delicate, -Angel’s hand!—How smooth and soft!—How -long and small the fingers!—What pleasure in the -touch!—Ah! How different is this from the -Countess’s hand!—</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Sighing</i>). And yet you loved her -once.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Yes—Yes—I did so—But three Years of -better Acquaintance has made the Marriage-state -so respectable—And then Wives are so loving—when -they <i>do</i> love, that is—that one is surprised -when in search of Pleasure, to find Satiety.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Pleasure?—Love!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Oh, no; Love is but the Romance of -the Heart; Pleasure is its History—As for thee, -my dear Susan, add but one grain more of Caprice<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_99"></a>[99]</span> -to thy Composition and thou wilt make one of -the most enticing, teazing, agreeable Mistresses.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> ’Tis my Duty to oblige my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Her Duty!—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Yes—Women’s Duties are unlimited—They -owe all—Men nothing.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Nothing?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> It is not our Faults; ’tis the law of Nature—And -then Wives think to ensure our fidelity -by being always Wives—Whereas they should -sometimes become——</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> What?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Our Mistresses——I hope thou wilt not -forget this Lesson.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Oh no, indeed, not I.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Aloud</i>). Nor I.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Aloud</i>). Nor I.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Astonished</i>). Are there Echoes here?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Oh, yes.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> And now, my sweet Susan, receive the -Portion I promised thee. (<i>Gives a purse and puts a -ring upon her finger</i>)—And continue likewise to -wear this Ring for my sake.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Susan accepts your Favors.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Aside</i>). Was there ever so faithless a -Hussey?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Aside</i>). These riches are all for us! -(<i>Still keeps chuckling very heartily at what is going forwards.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> I perceive Torches.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> They are preparatory to thy Nuptials. -(<i>the Countess pretends to be afraid</i>). Come, come, -let us retire for a moment into the Pavilion.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> What! In the dark?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Why not? There are no Spirits.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Aside</i>). Yes, but there are; and evil ones<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_100"></a>[100]</span> -too. (<i>Countess follows the Count</i>). She is going!——Hem! -(<i>Figaro hem’s in a great passion</i>).</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Raising his voice majesterially</i>). Who goes -there!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> A man.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Aside to the Countess</i>). It’s Figaro!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>The -Countess enters the Pavilion on the right hand -and the Count retires</i>).</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Desperate</i>). They are gone in. (<i>Walks -about</i>). Let her go.—Let her go!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Aside.</i>) Thou shalt pay presently for -these fine Suspicions. (<i>Susan advances and mimics the -voice of the Countess</i>). Who is that?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> ’Tis the Countess (<i>Aside</i>).—What lucky -Chance conducted you hither, Madam—You know -not what Scenes are this moment transacting.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Oh yes, but I do, Figaro.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> What! That the Count and my -very virtuous Bride are this moment in yonder -Pavilion Madam!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Aside</i>). Very well, my Gentleman!—I -know more than thou dost.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And will you not be revenged?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Oh yes, we always have our Revenge in -our own power.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Aside</i>). What does she mean?—Perhaps -what I suspect—Why that would be a glorious -Retaliation.—(<i>To Susan.</i>) There is no Means -but one, Madam, of revenging such Wrongs; that -now presents itself.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Jealous</i>) What does the good-for-nothing -Fellow mean? (<i>Speaks in a tone of compliance -to Figaro</i>). Does it Figaro?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Pardon my Presumption, Madam! On -any other occasion, the Respect I bear your Ladyship -would keep me silent, but on the present -I dare encounter all! (<i>Falls on his knees</i>). Oh, excuse,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_101"></a>[101]</span> -forgive me, Madam; but let not the precious -moments slip!—Grant me your hand.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Unable any longer to contain herself gives -him a slap on the face</i>). Take it.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I have it, I think!—The Devil! This -is the Day of Stripes!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Susan gives it thee (<i>as soon as Figaro -hears it is Susan, his satisfaction is so extreme, he -laughs very heartily, and keeps laughing all the while -she keeps beating him</i>) and that, and that, and that, -and that for thy Insolence—And that for thy Jealousy—And -that for thy Infidelity.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Susan out of -breath, Figaro still laughing.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Oh happy Figaro—Take thy Revenge, -my dear, kind, good Angel; Never did Man or -Martyr suffer with such Extacy!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Don’t tell me of your Extacy! How durst -you, you good for nothing, base, false-hearted Man, -make love to me, supposing me the Countess.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I must bring myself off, (<i>aside</i>)—Dost -think I could mistake the music of my Susan’s -Voice?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> What, you pretend you knew me then?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Pretend! Canst thou doubt it?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And this was a Trick upon me!—But -I’ll be revenged.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Talk not of Revenge, my Love, but -tell me what blest Angel sent thee hither, and how -thou camest by this Disguise, which so fully proves -thy Innocence!</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Susan.</i> “I could find in my Heart not to tell -thee; but know, to thy Confusion, it is my Lady’s; -and that, coming to catch one Fox, we have -entrapped two!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “But who has taken the other?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “His Wife.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_102"></a>[102]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “His Wife!—Go and hang thyself, Figaro—Go -and hang thyself, for wanting the Wit -to divine this Plot!—And has all this intriguing -been about his Wife?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “<i>Yes, about his Wife.</i></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>a little suspicious</i>) “But who did the -Page kiss?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “The Count.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “The Count! Ha! ha! ha! that is -excellent, (<i>Resuming his gravity</i>) But who did the -Count kiss?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> “The Countess.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Ay, but who did he kiss this Morning——behind -the great Chair?</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Gravely</i>) “Nobody.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “Art thou—quite sure?”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> (<i>Holding out her Hand</i>) Dost thou want -another Proof?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Ah! Thine are but proofs of Love—That -of the Count, indeed, was not so gentle.</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> COUNT <i>behind</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> ’St—’st! Susan!—Susan!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Aside to Susan</i>) A lucky thought strikes -me; prithee second me, Susan, (<i>Speaks in a feigned -Voice, falls on his Knees and kisses Susan’s Hand</i>)—Ah -Madam! Let us not longer converse of Love, -but enjoy it’s Treasures.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> What’s here! A Man on his Knees to the -Countess!—(<i>Feels for his Sword, they keep silently -laughing</i>) And I unarm’d!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Acting the Petit Maitre</i>) Upon my honour, -Madam, I could not have supposed Timidity -should make you hesitate a moment.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_103"></a>[103]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Furiously</i>) So this is our Dressing-room -Gentleman, at last! I shall know all at least, now—(<i>Figaro -kisses her hand again.</i>) Oh Rage! Oh Hell!</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> How delightfully he swears.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> (<i>Figaro and Susan still inwardly laughing</i>) -Quickly then, Madam, let us repair the wrong -which Love this Morning suffered at the impertinent -intrusion of your Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> This is not to be borne.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Darts between -them, seizes Figaro by the Collar, while Susan -escapes into the Pavilion on the left.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Figaro</i> (<i>Pretends amazement</i>) My Lord!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> How! Rascal! And is it you!—Hollo—Hollo—Who -hears?</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter blundering in the dark, and in a great hurry, the -COURIER, who had been to Seville after the Page.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><i>Courier.</i> Here!—Here!—Here am I, my Lord! -Just arrived from Seville! But he is not there! I -might as well have sought for this Page in my -pocket! Here is the Packet again.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Stand out of the way, Rascal——Hollo!—Where -are my People? Lights! Lights!</p> - -<p><i>Courier.</i> What’s my Lord afraid of? Is there -not Mr. Figaro and I?</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter Flambeaux, Don</i> GUZMAN, <i>Dr.</i> BARTHOLO, -ANTONIO, BASIL, <i>and Servants</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>To the Servants</i>) Guard that Door and -some of you seize this Fellow.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> You command, with absolute Authority, -over all present, my Lord, except yourself.</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Count.</i> “The Villain’s impenetrable, cool Impudence -is intolerable.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_104"></a>[104]</span></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “We are not Soldiers, that we should -kill one another without Malice: for my part, I -like to know why I am angry.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Be pleased, Sir, to declare, before this -Company, who the—the—Woman is that just -now ran into that Pavilion.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Into that—(<i>Going to cross to the Pavilion -on the right.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Stopping him</i>) No, prevaricating Fiend; into -that. (<i>Pointing to the other.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Ah! That alters the Case.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Answer, or—</p> - - <div class="omitted"> -<p><i>Figaro.</i> “The Lady that escaped into that Pavilion?</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> “Ay, Demon, the Lady.”</p> - </div> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> The Lady <span class="omitted">“that escaped into that Pavilion,”</span> -is a young Lady to whom my Lord -once paid his Addresses, but who, happening to love -me more than my Betters, has this day yielded me -the Preference.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> The Preference!—The Preference!—he -does not lie at least.——Yes, Gentlemen, what he -confesses, I pledge my Honour I just have heard -from the very mouth of his Accomplice!</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> His Accomplice!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Come forth, Madam! (<i>Enters the Pavilion.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Basil.</i> Which of these two has made a—Gentleman -of the other.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Perhaps neither.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>In the Pavilion.</i>) Come forth, I say, -shew yourself. (<i>Enter, dragging out the</i> PAGE, -<i>still speaking, and not looking at him till he gets on a -line with the rest of the Company</i>.) Happily, Madam, -there is no Pledge of a Union, now so justly detested.——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_105"></a>[105]</span></p> - -<p><i>Omnes.</i> The Page!</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> (<i>After all the rest.</i>) The Pa-a-age!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Again! And again! And everlastingly this -damn’d, diabolical Page. (<i>Page flies to the other side -of the stage.</i>) You shall find, however, he was not -alone.</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> Ah, no! My lot would have been hard -indeed then.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Enter Antonio, and drag the guilty Thing -before her Judge.</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> (<i>In the Pavilion.</i>) Come, Madam, you -must come out; I must not let you go since my -Lord knows you are here.</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter with his Daughter</i>, AGNES.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Omnes.</i> Agnes!</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> A-A-Agnes!</p> - -<p><i>Antonio.</i> Odzooks, my Lord, its a pleasant Trick, -enough, to send me in, before all these good Folks, -for my Daughter.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> I’ll find her, I warrant. (<i>Going.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> (<i>Stopping the Count.</i>) Pardon me, my -Lord, but you are too angry at present; let me go.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Exit Doctor to the Pavilion.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> This Cause is very perplex’d.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> (<i>Entering with Marcelina.</i>) Fear nothing, -Madam, fear nothing.</p> - -<p><i>Omnes.</i> Marcelina!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> My Mother too! Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Where then is this Daughter of Infamy -thus evades my just Fury?</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter</i> SUSAN, <i>with her Fan before her face</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p>Here she comes, at last; bearing her own Shame -and my Dishonour. (<i>Susan kneels to him, still hiding -her Face.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_106"></a>[106]</span></p> - -<p><i>Omnes.</i> Pardon, pardon, gracious Lord!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> No! No! No! (<i>They all fall on their knees.</i>) -No! No! Were the World to kneel I would be -deaf.</p> - - -<div class="blockquotxx"> - -<p><i>Enter the</i> COUNTESS <i>from the Pavilion on the -right, and kneels to the Count, whose back is turned -to her</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> At least I will make one of the Number.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Susan drops her fan, the Count hears the voice -of the Countess, looks round, and suddenly conceives the -whole Trick they have been playing him. All the Company -burst into a laugh: the Count’s shame, confusion, &c.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> (<i>Laughing stupidly</i>) Ha! ha! ha! ha! -’Tis the Countess!</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>With great humility.</i>) And—is it you my -Lady?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> (<i>Inclines her body in token of Affirmation.</i>)</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Returning her bow with great confusion.</i>) -Ah!—Yes!—Yes! A generous pardon—tho’ unmerited.——</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Were you in my place, you would -exclaim, No! No! No! But I grant it without a -single Stipulation.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> And I.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> And I.—There are Echoes here.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Surprised</i>) I perceive—I perceive——I -have been rightly served.</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> Here, Susan, here is the Purse and -Ring, which my Lord gave thee. He will remember -thy sweet delicate Fingers, so long and so small.</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Thank your Lordship—Here Figaro.</p> - -<p class="right">(<i>Gives him the Purse.</i></p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> It was devilish hard to get at—</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>To Susan</i>) And the Letter you wrote—</p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i> Was dictated by my Lady.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_107"></a>[107]</span></p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>Smiling good naturedly.</i>) Well, well! I am -an Answer in her Debt.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Thus every Man shall have his own.</p> - -<p><i>Bounce.</i> And shall we throw the Stocking?</p> - -<p><i>Countess.</i> There is the Garter.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>(<i>Throws down the -Riband Hannibal had stolen in the Morning; Bounce -is going to stoop for it, and the Page pushes him -back.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<p><i>Page.</i> This is my Right, and if any one dare -dispute it with me——</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Indeed! Mr. Officer—So bold a Champion -already!—Pray how did your Valour like the -Box on the Ear I gave you just now?</p> - -<p><i>Page.</i> (<i>With his Hand to his Sword</i>) Me! My -Colonel?</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Which I kindly received.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> Thou!</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I—And thus do the Great distribute Justice.</p> - -<p><i>Count.</i> (<i>laughing</i>) Well, Mr. President, (<i>Don -Guzman instantly calls up all his Wisdom on finding -himself addressed</i>) what do you think of all these -things?</p> - -<p><i>Guzman.</i> Thi-ink, my Lord? (<i>Considers</i>) I—I -think that—I do-o-on’t know what to think.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> I think, a few such Days as this would -form an excellent Ambassador—But lately I was a -poor, deserted, solitary Being, in this wide World, -and now I have Gold, Relations, and a handsome -Wife——</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> And Friends will flock in abundance.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Do you think so?</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Oh I know so.</p> - -<p><i>Figaro.</i> Well, let them, they shall be welcome to -all I have—My Wife and my Wealth excepted.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_108"></a>[108]</span></p> - -<p><i>Susan.</i></p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="verse indent0">Our Errors past, and all our Follies done,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Oh! That ’twere possible you might be won</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To pardon Faults, and Misdemeanors smother,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With the same ease we pardon One-another!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So should we rest, To-night, devoid of Sorrow,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And hope to meet you, joyously, To-morrow.</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p class="p4 center lsp2">THE END.</p> - </div> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> -<div class="chapter"></div> - -<div class="transnote"> -<a id="TN"></a> -<p class="bold">TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE</p> - -<p>A few obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors have been -corrected after careful comparison with other occurrences within -the text and consultation of external sources.</p> - -<p>Except for those changes noted below, all misspellings in the text, -and inconsistent or archaic usage, have been retained.</p> - -<p> -<a href="#tn-10">Pg 10</a>: Speaker name ‘Marcelino’ replaced by ‘Marcelina’.<br /> -<a href="#tn-17">Pg 17</a>: ‘Gardiner’s daughter’ replaced by ‘Gardener’s daughter’.<br /> -<a href="#tn-17a">Pg 17</a>: ‘my drunken Gardiner’ replaced by ‘my drunken Gardener’.<br /> -<a href="#tn-18">Pg 18</a>: ‘wish hm so much’ replaced by ‘wish him so much’.<br /> -<a href="#tn-21">Pg 21</a>: ‘young Hanibal the’ replaced by ‘young Hannibal the’.<br /> -<a href="#tn-25">Pg 25</a>: ‘COUNTESS’s Bed-Chmber’ replaced by ‘COUNTESS’s Bed-Chamber’.<br /> -<a href="#tn-27">Pg 27</a>: ‘by the Pavillion’ replaced by ‘by the Pavilion’.<br /> -<a href="#tn-29">Pg 29</a>: ‘will not, Marcellina’ replaced by ‘will not, Marcelina’.<br /> -<a href="#tn-43">Pg 43</a>: ‘you malicicious little’ replaced by ‘you malicious little’.<br /> -<a href="#tn-45">Pg 45</a>: ‘the Gardiner, with’ replaced by ‘the Gardener, with’.<br /> -<a href="#tn-48">Pg 48</a>: ‘and eadeavours to’ replaced by ‘and endeavours to’.<br /> -<a href="#tn-50">Pg 50</a>: Speaker name ‘Antanio’ replaced by ‘Antonio’.<br /> -<a href="#tn-64">Pg 64</a>: ‘Angelica-Mustacio’ replaced by ‘Angelica-Mustachio’.<br /> -<a href="#tn-64a">Pg 64</a>: ‘Gentleman who are’ replaced by ‘Gentlemen who are’.<br /> -<a href="#tn-66">Pg 66</a>: ‘Again, the the word’ replaced by ‘Again, the word’.<br /> -<a href="#tn-76">Pg 76</a>: ‘honest ple’ replaced by ‘honest people’.<br /> -<a href="#tn-83">Pg 83</a>: ‘Girl, ealed with’ replaced by ‘Girl, sealed with’.<br /> -<a href="#tn-90">Pg 90</a>: Missing speaker name ‘Agnes’ inserted.<br /> -<a href="#tn-92">Pg 92</a>: ‘those who who have’ replaced by ‘those who have’.<br /> -</p> -</div> - - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FOLLIES OF A DAY; OR, THE MARRIAGE OF FIGARO ***</div> -<div style='text-align:left'> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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