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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #64969 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/64969)
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-The Project Gutenberg eBook of Hold Onto Your Body!, by Richard O. Lewis
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
-most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
-whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
-of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
-www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you
-will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before
-using this eBook.
-
-Title: Hold Onto Your Body!
-
-Author: Richard O. Lewis
-
-Release Date: March 31, 2021 [eBook #64969]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: UTF-8
-
-Produced by: Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online Distributed
- Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
-
-*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HOLD ONTO YOUR BODY! ***
-
-
-
-
- HOLD ONTO YOUR BODY!
-
- _By Richard O. Lewis_
-
- People do strange things--an example,
- committing suicide for no apparent reason.
- Unless it's time for a change of identity!
-
- [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from
- Imagination Stories of Science and Fantasy
- October 1953
- Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that
- the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]
-
-
-"Fidwell," I said, "why don't you go lose yourself!"
-
-He stared at me uncomprehendingly for a full three seconds. Then a
-glimmer of understanding leaped into his beady little eyes and he got
-up from the chair before my desk and started happily toward the outer
-door of the office.
-
-"Okay, Mr. Nelson," he said over a thin shoulder. "Just whatever you
-say."
-
-"Better still," I amended, tapping the glass top of my desk with
-manicured nails, "go shoot yourself."
-
-He nodded blithely. "Just as you say, T. J. Just as you say." He
-always called me T. J. when he felt that I was giving him a measure of
-attention.
-
-"Wait," I said, as he reached the door. "Do you by any chance own a
-gun?"
-
-He turned, a frown spreading between his mousy brows. "No," he said,
-slowly, "I don't." Then he brightened. "But I could purchase one!"
-
-"Fine," I said, tossing him a bill. "Buy a couple bullets for it, too."
-
-He caught the money, smiled, nodded, and left--closing the door softly
-and respectfully behind him.
-
-Humming a merry little tune, I turned to the papers upon my desk. The
-partnership contract between James Fidwell and T. J. Nelson. _If one of
-the partners should die from any cause, the other partner would become
-sole owner of the Remey Company...._
-
-They seemed quite in order. I shuffled them into a neat pile and cut
-an intricate little dance step on my way to the files with them. The
-partnership was soon to reach a happy culmination.
-
-Suicide has it all over murder, you know. No silly questions from the
-police. No mess to clean up. No body to get rid of. (The relatives
-usually take care of all that.) No bother at all, really.
-
-I skipped back to the desk, flipped up the telephone, and began poking
-a finger into the little holes in the dial.
-
-"Mr. Pasquamine?" I chimed, after hearing the faint click at the other
-end of the wire.
-
-"Yes."
-
-"This is T. J.," I said, chummily. "You still own that block of
-floating stock in the Remey Company, don't you?"
-
-"Yes."
-
-"Fine! Fine!" I complimented. "Bring it over to my office as soon as
-possible. And, by the way," I added, casually, "have it transferred to
-my name, you know."
-
-"Yes."
-
-He was in my office in less than an hour, his fat hulk sweating and
-panting in the chair before my desk, the heavy lids drooping over his
-black eyes. The stocks were piled neatly before me. I thumbed through
-them. They seemed to be quite in order. I skipped across the room to
-the files with them.
-
-"Pasquamine," I said, returning to my desk and handing him a cheap
-cigar, "do you by chance own a gun?"
-
-He shook his fat head. "No."
-
-"Do you have at home, perchance, a rope?" I glanced at his obese body.
-"A good stout one?"
-
-"No."
-
-"A knife, perhaps? A good sharp one?"
-
-His oily face beamed quickly. "Ah, Mr. Nelson! That I have! Sharp for
-the salami!" He kissed his thick fingers and made a flipping motion
-into the air with them. "Sharp for the good big salami!"
-
-"Excellent!" I nodded quick approbation. "Go home and cut your throat
-with it."
-
- * * * * *
-
-He pushed his hulk up from the chair and walked toward the door.
-
-"And don't bother about coming back to the office afterwards," I
-admonished.
-
-He paused, hand on the knob, and turned. Then his round face lighted
-up. "Ah, Mr. Nelson!" he chuckled. "You make with the joke!"
-
-"Sure." I smiled. "And now you go home and make with the knife."
-
-That was the last time I saw Pasquamine. Except at the funeral, of
-course. He made a lovely corpse--considering everything.
-
-It was the day following the funeral when there came a gentle tapping
-at my office door.
-
-"Come in," I said, tossing the half-finished bottle of gin back into
-the lower drawer.
-
-They didn't bother about opening the door; they just crawled under it.
-A moment later, they had slithered across the floor, had wiggled their
-way up to the top on my desk, and had flattened out upon its polished
-surface in complete pseudopod relaxation. Gyf and Gyl. My two very good
-friends.
-
-"Sorry, boys," I said, after we had exchanged the usual amenities,
-"that I had to get rid of your symbiotics in such a messy fashion. But
-business is business, you know; and I felt that the time was right...."
-
-Gyf shrugged gelatinously. "I was getting tired of occupying Fidwell,
-anyway," he vibrated. "Regular old pussyfoot. Never had no fun."
-
-Gyl burped resoundingly in the middle. "I hope the next body I get
-doesn't turn out to be another wine-guzzling, garlic eater." A tremor
-ran through him. "It upsets me frightfully."
-
-"Time and the rising tide of accidents will tell," I soothed.
-
-"I'm cold," trembled Gyf, "since I ain't got no body to keep me warm."
-
-"You might try my secretary," I offered, playfully. "There's a body for
-you!"
-
-"You know I can't," he vibrated. "She ain't even dead yet!"
-
-"Nearest thing to it," I commented, "this side of the precinct morgue."
-
-That brought a shake of mirth from Gyl who really has a truly
-remarkable sense of humor.
-
-Gyf, ignoring the levity, slid over to the little intercom box at one
-side of the desk, crawled in through one of the slits, curled up, and
-promptly went to sleep. It seems that Fidwell, along with his other
-faults, had also been a sufferer of insomnia.
-
-"I suppose," I said to Gyl, conversationally, "you'll be wanting a new
-body now...."
-
-"Not necessarily. Not right away." He edged away from the blotter
-my desk fan was blowing in his direction. "Want to wait--" A burp
-nearly flipped him again. "--until these garlic fumes effervesce more
-completely from my system."
-
-"It worked out wonderfully well, though," I said, "even though you
-did have to put up with the garlic for awhile." I brought out the gin
-bottle from the lower drawer. "It was certainly fortunate that Gyf
-was on hand to occupy Fidwell just after his wife murdered him." I
-unstoppered the bottle and raised it to my lips. "To Fidwell, departed
-partner and erstwhile owner of the Remey Company!"
-
-"And the joke was on Mrs. Fidwell," sparkled Gyl's sense of humor.
-"Just imagine: seeing her husband up walking around, hale and hearty,
-just a half hour after she had throttled the life out of him with her
-own two hands!"
-
-"No wonder she had to be locked up," I chuckled, pouring a few drops of
-gin on the polished glass near my companion.
-
-"My getting the body of Pasquamine, owner of the floating stock, wasn't
-so bad either," he reminded me, isolating a drop of gin and flowing
-around it.
-
-I admitted the fact.
-
-"He nearly crushed me, too, when he tumbled," Gyl reminded. "I'd been
-following him two weeks, waiting for his fat heart to do a flopperoo."
-
-We both laughed. I took another drink, and Gyl osmosed a nip.
-
- * * * * *
-
-Finally, I leaned across the desk. "Listen, Gyl," I said, coldly
-serious. "Now that this little deal is over, how would you like to get
-in on something else? Something really _big_?"
-
-He instantly became all ears. (Naturally, only a pseudopod can do it.)
-
-"After I sell out Remey," I continued, "we'll have ample funds. So-o,
-if we moved over to Washington, D. C.... If you and Gyf could get in
-touch with a couple tottering congressmen who are about ready to depart
-from this vale of tears...."
-
-Gyl caught on immediately. "T. J.," he complimented, "you've _got_
-something!"
-
-He fell silent, and I knew he was letting the gin and the thought
-trickle through him, savoring both from various angles. Then he
-vibrated, dreamily, "I've always wanted to be a congressman. Or--or
-a cabinet member. Or--" His vibration dropped to little more than a
-whisper, "--or a _president_!"
-
-"Sorry," I said, "but I believe he is already possessed."
-
-Gyl flowed around another drop of gin. "Oh, well," he said dismissing
-the ambition, "guess he doesn't have much to say about things, anyway."
-Then he brightened. "But there are some mighty fine bureaus and
-departments there. We could wiggle our way into one of those. A few
-million dollars here and there wouldn't be missed."
-
-"Atta boy! I'll take you and Gyf over to Washington in the morning,
-then I'll come back here and dispose of the business while the two of
-you are getting established." It sounded like a good idea. Within a few
-years we'd be rolling in the filthy stuff.
-
-I poured a few more drops of gin on the glass top, then raised the
-bottle. "Here's to happy days in the Pentagon!" I toasted.
-
-Our spirits were soon soaring to great heights, and, as usual under
-such circumstances, Gyl began talking about the "good old days" when
-you could pick up a likely corpse almost anywhere, anytime.
-
-"Used to be so much simpler then," he commented, flowing around one
-of the fresh drops. "Now you have to beat the embalmer!" He chuckled.
-"Fairly close race at times, too! But it keeps one on one's pseudotoes,
-so to speak!" A combined burp and hiccough nearly flopped him off the
-desk.
-
-After he had regained his equilibrium we spent an enjoyable
-half-hour talking of cadavers, funeral homes, the comparative merits
-of inhabiting youthful or wealthy bodies, and other delightfully
-stimulating subjects. Then we began to sing songs, old and new.
-
-We had finished the chorus of "We Have All the Dough of Remey" for the
-third time and were just getting warmed up on an extemporization of
-"We'll Carry On in the Pentagon" when the office door flew suddenly
-open and two Federal boys stepped in, followed by my stupid-looking
-secretary.
-
-They came quickly to the desk. One of them grabbed a handful of Gyl
-with one hand and pointed a gun at me with the other. "Just stay as you
-are," the officer cautioned.
-
-My dumb secretary stared at me with round, innocent eyes. "I couldn't
-help hearing everything you said, Mr. Nelson," she chirped, half
-apologetically. "Your intercom box was open. Must be a short in it
-somewhere. Or a loose connection...."
-
-The other officer picked up the little box and shook it. A surprised
-Gyf felt out from between the slats....
-
- * * * * *
-
-They have Gyf and Gyl in a little bottle now, tightly stoppered and
-ready for shipment back home to Venus. They'll be placed on the next
-space ship heading out.
-
-There is a stupid Terrestrial law, you know, which makes it mandatory
-that all Venusians be apprehended on sight or extracted from any body
-they may be occupying and sent back to Venus in all possible haste.
-
-And so I shall soon be extracted from the body of T. J. Nelson and his
-neck will bend double in the middle again just the way it was when I
-found him shortly after his accident. Then, in a little bottle of my
-own, I shall accompany Gyf and Gyl homeward.
-
-But, don't worry, I'll be back! I'll be back just as soon as I can
-hitch a ride on a returning spaceboat!
-
-So take good care of yourself, my friend, and don't catch pneumonia or
-step in front of a truck or anything like that--_until I return_.
-
-*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HOLD ONTO YOUR BODY! ***
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-<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Hold Onto Your Body!</div>
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-<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Richard O. Lewis</div>
-
-<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: March 31, 2021 [eBook #64969]</div>
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-
-<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HOLD ONTO YOUR BODY! ***</div>
-
-
-<div class="titlepage">
-
-<h1>HOLD ONTO YOUR BODY!</h1>
-
-<h2><i>By Richard O. Lewis</i></h2>
-
-<p>People do strange things&mdash;an example,<br />
-committing suicide for no apparent reason.<br />
-Unless it's time for a change of identity!</p>
-
-<p>[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from<br />
-Imagination Stories of Science and Fantasy<br />
-October 1953<br />
-Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that<br />
-the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]</p>
-
-</div>
-
-<hr class="chap" />
-
-<p>"Fidwell," I said, "why don't you go lose yourself!"</p>
-
-<p>He stared at me uncomprehendingly for a full three seconds. Then a
-glimmer of understanding leaped into his beady little eyes and he got
-up from the chair before my desk and started happily toward the outer
-door of the office.</p>
-
-<p>"Okay, Mr. Nelson," he said over a thin shoulder. "Just whatever you
-say."</p>
-
-<p>"Better still," I amended, tapping the glass top of my desk with
-manicured nails, "go shoot yourself."</p>
-
-<p>He nodded blithely. "Just as you say, T. J. Just as you say." He
-always called me T. J. when he felt that I was giving him a measure of
-attention.</p>
-
-<p>"Wait," I said, as he reached the door. "Do you by any chance own a
-gun?"</p>
-
-<p>He turned, a frown spreading between his mousy brows. "No," he said,
-slowly, "I don't." Then he brightened. "But I could purchase one!"</p>
-
-<p>"Fine," I said, tossing him a bill. "Buy a couple bullets for it, too."</p>
-
-<p>He caught the money, smiled, nodded, and left&mdash;closing the door softly
-and respectfully behind him.</p>
-
-<p>Humming a merry little tune, I turned to the papers upon my desk. The
-partnership contract between James Fidwell and T. J. Nelson. <i>If one of
-the partners should die from any cause, the other partner would become
-sole owner of the Remey Company....</i></p>
-
-<p>They seemed quite in order. I shuffled them into a neat pile and cut
-an intricate little dance step on my way to the files with them. The
-partnership was soon to reach a happy culmination.</p>
-
-<p>Suicide has it all over murder, you know. No silly questions from the
-police. No mess to clean up. No body to get rid of. (The relatives
-usually take care of all that.) No bother at all, really.</p>
-
-<p>I skipped back to the desk, flipped up the telephone, and began poking
-a finger into the little holes in the dial.</p>
-
-<p>"Mr. Pasquamine?" I chimed, after hearing the faint click at the other
-end of the wire.</p>
-
-<p>"Yes."</p>
-
-<p>"This is T. J.," I said, chummily. "You still own that block of
-floating stock in the Remey Company, don't you?"</p>
-
-<p>"Yes."</p>
-
-<p>"Fine! Fine!" I complimented. "Bring it over to my office as soon as
-possible. And, by the way," I added, casually, "have it transferred to
-my name, you know."</p>
-
-<p>"Yes."</p>
-
-<p>He was in my office in less than an hour, his fat hulk sweating and
-panting in the chair before my desk, the heavy lids drooping over his
-black eyes. The stocks were piled neatly before me. I thumbed through
-them. They seemed to be quite in order. I skipped across the room to
-the files with them.</p>
-
-<p>"Pasquamine," I said, returning to my desk and handing him a cheap
-cigar, "do you by chance own a gun?"</p>
-
-<p>He shook his fat head. "No."</p>
-
-<p>"Do you have at home, perchance, a rope?" I glanced at his obese body.
-"A good stout one?"</p>
-
-<p>"No."</p>
-
-<p>"A knife, perhaps? A good sharp one?"</p>
-
-<p>His oily face beamed quickly. "Ah, Mr. Nelson! That I have! Sharp for
-the salami!" He kissed his thick fingers and made a flipping motion
-into the air with them. "Sharp for the good big salami!"</p>
-
-<p>"Excellent!" I nodded quick approbation. "Go home and cut your throat
-with it."</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>He pushed his hulk up from the chair and walked toward the door.</p>
-
-<p>"And don't bother about coming back to the office afterwards," I
-admonished.</p>
-
-<p>He paused, hand on the knob, and turned. Then his round face lighted
-up. "Ah, Mr. Nelson!" he chuckled. "You make with the joke!"</p>
-
-<p>"Sure." I smiled. "And now you go home and make with the knife."</p>
-
-<p>That was the last time I saw Pasquamine. Except at the funeral, of
-course. He made a lovely corpse&mdash;considering everything.</p>
-
-<p>It was the day following the funeral when there came a gentle tapping
-at my office door.</p>
-
-<p>"Come in," I said, tossing the half-finished bottle of gin back into
-the lower drawer.</p>
-
-<p>They didn't bother about opening the door; they just crawled under it.
-A moment later, they had slithered across the floor, had wiggled their
-way up to the top on my desk, and had flattened out upon its polished
-surface in complete pseudopod relaxation. Gyf and Gyl. My two very good
-friends.</p>
-
-<p>"Sorry, boys," I said, after we had exchanged the usual amenities,
-"that I had to get rid of your symbiotics in such a messy fashion. But
-business is business, you know; and I felt that the time was right...."</p>
-
-<p>Gyf shrugged gelatinously. "I was getting tired of occupying Fidwell,
-anyway," he vibrated. "Regular old pussyfoot. Never had no fun."</p>
-
-<p>Gyl burped resoundingly in the middle. "I hope the next body I get
-doesn't turn out to be another wine-guzzling, garlic eater." A tremor
-ran through him. "It upsets me frightfully."</p>
-
-<p>"Time and the rising tide of accidents will tell," I soothed.</p>
-
-<p>"I'm cold," trembled Gyf, "since I ain't got no body to keep me warm."</p>
-
-<p>"You might try my secretary," I offered, playfully. "There's a body for
-you!"</p>
-
-<p>"You know I can't," he vibrated. "She ain't even dead yet!"</p>
-
-<p>"Nearest thing to it," I commented, "this side of the precinct morgue."</p>
-
-<p>That brought a shake of mirth from Gyl who really has a truly
-remarkable sense of humor.</p>
-
-<p>Gyf, ignoring the levity, slid over to the little intercom box at one
-side of the desk, crawled in through one of the slits, curled up, and
-promptly went to sleep. It seems that Fidwell, along with his other
-faults, had also been a sufferer of insomnia.</p>
-
-<p>"I suppose," I said to Gyl, conversationally, "you'll be wanting a new
-body now...."</p>
-
-<p>"Not necessarily. Not right away." He edged away from the blotter
-my desk fan was blowing in his direction. "Want to wait&mdash;" A burp
-nearly flipped him again. "&mdash;until these garlic fumes effervesce more
-completely from my system."</p>
-
-<hr class="chap" />
-
-<div class="figcenter">
- <img src="images/illus.jpg" alt=""/>
-</div>
-
-<hr class="chap" />
-
-<p>"It worked out wonderfully well, though," I said, "even though you
-did have to put up with the garlic for awhile." I brought out the gin
-bottle from the lower drawer. "It was certainly fortunate that Gyf
-was on hand to occupy Fidwell just after his wife murdered him." I
-unstoppered the bottle and raised it to my lips. "To Fidwell, departed
-partner and erstwhile owner of the Remey Company!"</p>
-
-<p>"And the joke was on Mrs. Fidwell," sparkled Gyl's sense of humor.
-"Just imagine: seeing her husband up walking around, hale and hearty,
-just a half hour after she had throttled the life out of him with her
-own two hands!"</p>
-
-<p>"No wonder she had to be locked up," I chuckled, pouring a few drops of
-gin on the polished glass near my companion.</p>
-
-<p>"My getting the body of Pasquamine, owner of the floating stock, wasn't
-so bad either," he reminded me, isolating a drop of gin and flowing
-around it.</p>
-
-<p>I admitted the fact.</p>
-
-<p>"He nearly crushed me, too, when he tumbled," Gyl reminded. "I'd been
-following him two weeks, waiting for his fat heart to do a flopperoo."</p>
-
-<p>We both laughed. I took another drink, and Gyl osmosed a nip.</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>Finally, I leaned across the desk. "Listen, Gyl," I said, coldly
-serious. "Now that this little deal is over, how would you like to get
-in on something else? Something really <i>big</i>?"</p>
-
-<p>He instantly became all ears. (Naturally, only a pseudopod can do it.)</p>
-
-<p>"After I sell out Remey," I continued, "we'll have ample funds. So-o,
-if we moved over to Washington, D. C.... If you and Gyf could get in
-touch with a couple tottering congressmen who are about ready to depart
-from this vale of tears...."</p>
-
-<p>Gyl caught on immediately. "T. J.," he complimented, "you've <i>got</i>
-something!"</p>
-
-<p>He fell silent, and I knew he was letting the gin and the thought
-trickle through him, savoring both from various angles. Then he
-vibrated, dreamily, "I've always wanted to be a congressman. Or&mdash;or
-a cabinet member. Or&mdash;" His vibration dropped to little more than a
-whisper, "&mdash;or a <i>president</i>!"</p>
-
-<p>"Sorry," I said, "but I believe he is already possessed."</p>
-
-<p>Gyl flowed around another drop of gin. "Oh, well," he said dismissing
-the ambition, "guess he doesn't have much to say about things, anyway."
-Then he brightened. "But there are some mighty fine bureaus and
-departments there. We could wiggle our way into one of those. A few
-million dollars here and there wouldn't be missed."</p>
-
-<p>"Atta boy! I'll take you and Gyf over to Washington in the morning,
-then I'll come back here and dispose of the business while the two of
-you are getting established." It sounded like a good idea. Within a few
-years we'd be rolling in the filthy stuff.</p>
-
-<p>I poured a few more drops of gin on the glass top, then raised the
-bottle. "Here's to happy days in the Pentagon!" I toasted.</p>
-
-<p>Our spirits were soon soaring to great heights, and, as usual under
-such circumstances, Gyl began talking about the "good old days" when
-you could pick up a likely corpse almost anywhere, anytime.</p>
-
-<p>"Used to be so much simpler then," he commented, flowing around one
-of the fresh drops. "Now you have to beat the embalmer!" He chuckled.
-"Fairly close race at times, too! But it keeps one on one's pseudotoes,
-so to speak!" A combined burp and hiccough nearly flopped him off the
-desk.</p>
-
-<p>After he had regained his equilibrium we spent an enjoyable
-half-hour talking of cadavers, funeral homes, the comparative merits
-of inhabiting youthful or wealthy bodies, and other delightfully
-stimulating subjects. Then we began to sing songs, old and new.</p>
-
-<p>We had finished the chorus of "We Have All the Dough of Remey" for the
-third time and were just getting warmed up on an extemporization of
-"We'll Carry On in the Pentagon" when the office door flew suddenly
-open and two Federal boys stepped in, followed by my stupid-looking
-secretary.</p>
-
-<p>They came quickly to the desk. One of them grabbed a handful of Gyl
-with one hand and pointed a gun at me with the other. "Just stay as you
-are," the officer cautioned.</p>
-
-<p>My dumb secretary stared at me with round, innocent eyes. "I couldn't
-help hearing everything you said, Mr. Nelson," she chirped, half
-apologetically. "Your intercom box was open. Must be a short in it
-somewhere. Or a loose connection...."</p>
-
-<p>The other officer picked up the little box and shook it. A surprised
-Gyf felt out from between the slats....</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>They have Gyf and Gyl in a little bottle now, tightly stoppered and
-ready for shipment back home to Venus. They'll be placed on the next
-space ship heading out.</p>
-
-<p>There is a stupid Terrestrial law, you know, which makes it mandatory
-that all Venusians be apprehended on sight or extracted from any body
-they may be occupying and sent back to Venus in all possible haste.</p>
-
-<p>And so I shall soon be extracted from the body of T. J. Nelson and his
-neck will bend double in the middle again just the way it was when I
-found him shortly after his accident. Then, in a little bottle of my
-own, I shall accompany Gyf and Gyl homeward.</p>
-
-<p>But, don't worry, I'll be back! I'll be back just as soon as I can
-hitch a ride on a returning spaceboat!</p>
-
-<p>So take good care of yourself, my friend, and don't catch pneumonia or
-step in front of a truck or anything like that&mdash;<i>until I return</i>.</p>
-
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