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diff --git a/old/64969-0.txt b/old/64969-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 2568a50..0000000 --- a/old/64969-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,657 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Hold Onto Your Body!, by Richard O. Lewis - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Hold Onto Your Body! - -Author: Richard O. Lewis - -Release Date: March 31, 2021 [eBook #64969] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -Produced by: Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online Distributed - Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HOLD ONTO YOUR BODY! *** - - - - - HOLD ONTO YOUR BODY! - - _By Richard O. Lewis_ - - People do strange things--an example, - committing suicide for no apparent reason. - Unless it's time for a change of identity! - - [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from - Imagination Stories of Science and Fantasy - October 1953 - Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that - the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.] - - -"Fidwell," I said, "why don't you go lose yourself!" - -He stared at me uncomprehendingly for a full three seconds. Then a -glimmer of understanding leaped into his beady little eyes and he got -up from the chair before my desk and started happily toward the outer -door of the office. - -"Okay, Mr. Nelson," he said over a thin shoulder. "Just whatever you -say." - -"Better still," I amended, tapping the glass top of my desk with -manicured nails, "go shoot yourself." - -He nodded blithely. "Just as you say, T. J. Just as you say." He -always called me T. J. when he felt that I was giving him a measure of -attention. - -"Wait," I said, as he reached the door. "Do you by any chance own a -gun?" - -He turned, a frown spreading between his mousy brows. "No," he said, -slowly, "I don't." Then he brightened. "But I could purchase one!" - -"Fine," I said, tossing him a bill. "Buy a couple bullets for it, too." - -He caught the money, smiled, nodded, and left--closing the door softly -and respectfully behind him. - -Humming a merry little tune, I turned to the papers upon my desk. The -partnership contract between James Fidwell and T. J. Nelson. _If one of -the partners should die from any cause, the other partner would become -sole owner of the Remey Company...._ - -They seemed quite in order. I shuffled them into a neat pile and cut -an intricate little dance step on my way to the files with them. The -partnership was soon to reach a happy culmination. - -Suicide has it all over murder, you know. No silly questions from the -police. No mess to clean up. No body to get rid of. (The relatives -usually take care of all that.) No bother at all, really. - -I skipped back to the desk, flipped up the telephone, and began poking -a finger into the little holes in the dial. - -"Mr. Pasquamine?" I chimed, after hearing the faint click at the other -end of the wire. - -"Yes." - -"This is T. J.," I said, chummily. "You still own that block of -floating stock in the Remey Company, don't you?" - -"Yes." - -"Fine! Fine!" I complimented. "Bring it over to my office as soon as -possible. And, by the way," I added, casually, "have it transferred to -my name, you know." - -"Yes." - -He was in my office in less than an hour, his fat hulk sweating and -panting in the chair before my desk, the heavy lids drooping over his -black eyes. The stocks were piled neatly before me. I thumbed through -them. They seemed to be quite in order. I skipped across the room to -the files with them. - -"Pasquamine," I said, returning to my desk and handing him a cheap -cigar, "do you by chance own a gun?" - -He shook his fat head. "No." - -"Do you have at home, perchance, a rope?" I glanced at his obese body. -"A good stout one?" - -"No." - -"A knife, perhaps? A good sharp one?" - -His oily face beamed quickly. "Ah, Mr. Nelson! That I have! Sharp for -the salami!" He kissed his thick fingers and made a flipping motion -into the air with them. "Sharp for the good big salami!" - -"Excellent!" I nodded quick approbation. "Go home and cut your throat -with it." - - * * * * * - -He pushed his hulk up from the chair and walked toward the door. - -"And don't bother about coming back to the office afterwards," I -admonished. - -He paused, hand on the knob, and turned. Then his round face lighted -up. "Ah, Mr. Nelson!" he chuckled. "You make with the joke!" - -"Sure." I smiled. "And now you go home and make with the knife." - -That was the last time I saw Pasquamine. Except at the funeral, of -course. He made a lovely corpse--considering everything. - -It was the day following the funeral when there came a gentle tapping -at my office door. - -"Come in," I said, tossing the half-finished bottle of gin back into -the lower drawer. - -They didn't bother about opening the door; they just crawled under it. -A moment later, they had slithered across the floor, had wiggled their -way up to the top on my desk, and had flattened out upon its polished -surface in complete pseudopod relaxation. Gyf and Gyl. My two very good -friends. - -"Sorry, boys," I said, after we had exchanged the usual amenities, -"that I had to get rid of your symbiotics in such a messy fashion. But -business is business, you know; and I felt that the time was right...." - -Gyf shrugged gelatinously. "I was getting tired of occupying Fidwell, -anyway," he vibrated. "Regular old pussyfoot. Never had no fun." - -Gyl burped resoundingly in the middle. "I hope the next body I get -doesn't turn out to be another wine-guzzling, garlic eater." A tremor -ran through him. "It upsets me frightfully." - -"Time and the rising tide of accidents will tell," I soothed. - -"I'm cold," trembled Gyf, "since I ain't got no body to keep me warm." - -"You might try my secretary," I offered, playfully. "There's a body for -you!" - -"You know I can't," he vibrated. "She ain't even dead yet!" - -"Nearest thing to it," I commented, "this side of the precinct morgue." - -That brought a shake of mirth from Gyl who really has a truly -remarkable sense of humor. - -Gyf, ignoring the levity, slid over to the little intercom box at one -side of the desk, crawled in through one of the slits, curled up, and -promptly went to sleep. It seems that Fidwell, along with his other -faults, had also been a sufferer of insomnia. - -"I suppose," I said to Gyl, conversationally, "you'll be wanting a new -body now...." - -"Not necessarily. Not right away." He edged away from the blotter -my desk fan was blowing in his direction. "Want to wait--" A burp -nearly flipped him again. "--until these garlic fumes effervesce more -completely from my system." - -"It worked out wonderfully well, though," I said, "even though you -did have to put up with the garlic for awhile." I brought out the gin -bottle from the lower drawer. "It was certainly fortunate that Gyf -was on hand to occupy Fidwell just after his wife murdered him." I -unstoppered the bottle and raised it to my lips. "To Fidwell, departed -partner and erstwhile owner of the Remey Company!" - -"And the joke was on Mrs. Fidwell," sparkled Gyl's sense of humor. -"Just imagine: seeing her husband up walking around, hale and hearty, -just a half hour after she had throttled the life out of him with her -own two hands!" - -"No wonder she had to be locked up," I chuckled, pouring a few drops of -gin on the polished glass near my companion. - -"My getting the body of Pasquamine, owner of the floating stock, wasn't -so bad either," he reminded me, isolating a drop of gin and flowing -around it. - -I admitted the fact. - -"He nearly crushed me, too, when he tumbled," Gyl reminded. "I'd been -following him two weeks, waiting for his fat heart to do a flopperoo." - -We both laughed. I took another drink, and Gyl osmosed a nip. - - * * * * * - -Finally, I leaned across the desk. "Listen, Gyl," I said, coldly -serious. "Now that this little deal is over, how would you like to get -in on something else? Something really _big_?" - -He instantly became all ears. (Naturally, only a pseudopod can do it.) - -"After I sell out Remey," I continued, "we'll have ample funds. So-o, -if we moved over to Washington, D. C.... If you and Gyf could get in -touch with a couple tottering congressmen who are about ready to depart -from this vale of tears...." - -Gyl caught on immediately. "T. J.," he complimented, "you've _got_ -something!" - -He fell silent, and I knew he was letting the gin and the thought -trickle through him, savoring both from various angles. Then he -vibrated, dreamily, "I've always wanted to be a congressman. Or--or -a cabinet member. Or--" His vibration dropped to little more than a -whisper, "--or a _president_!" - -"Sorry," I said, "but I believe he is already possessed." - -Gyl flowed around another drop of gin. "Oh, well," he said dismissing -the ambition, "guess he doesn't have much to say about things, anyway." -Then he brightened. "But there are some mighty fine bureaus and -departments there. We could wiggle our way into one of those. A few -million dollars here and there wouldn't be missed." - -"Atta boy! I'll take you and Gyf over to Washington in the morning, -then I'll come back here and dispose of the business while the two of -you are getting established." It sounded like a good idea. Within a few -years we'd be rolling in the filthy stuff. - -I poured a few more drops of gin on the glass top, then raised the -bottle. "Here's to happy days in the Pentagon!" I toasted. - -Our spirits were soon soaring to great heights, and, as usual under -such circumstances, Gyl began talking about the "good old days" when -you could pick up a likely corpse almost anywhere, anytime. - -"Used to be so much simpler then," he commented, flowing around one -of the fresh drops. "Now you have to beat the embalmer!" He chuckled. -"Fairly close race at times, too! But it keeps one on one's pseudotoes, -so to speak!" A combined burp and hiccough nearly flopped him off the -desk. - -After he had regained his equilibrium we spent an enjoyable -half-hour talking of cadavers, funeral homes, the comparative merits -of inhabiting youthful or wealthy bodies, and other delightfully -stimulating subjects. Then we began to sing songs, old and new. - -We had finished the chorus of "We Have All the Dough of Remey" for the -third time and were just getting warmed up on an extemporization of -"We'll Carry On in the Pentagon" when the office door flew suddenly -open and two Federal boys stepped in, followed by my stupid-looking -secretary. - -They came quickly to the desk. One of them grabbed a handful of Gyl -with one hand and pointed a gun at me with the other. "Just stay as you -are," the officer cautioned. - -My dumb secretary stared at me with round, innocent eyes. "I couldn't -help hearing everything you said, Mr. Nelson," she chirped, half -apologetically. "Your intercom box was open. Must be a short in it -somewhere. Or a loose connection...." - -The other officer picked up the little box and shook it. A surprised -Gyf felt out from between the slats.... - - * * * * * - -They have Gyf and Gyl in a little bottle now, tightly stoppered and -ready for shipment back home to Venus. They'll be placed on the next -space ship heading out. - -There is a stupid Terrestrial law, you know, which makes it mandatory -that all Venusians be apprehended on sight or extracted from any body -they may be occupying and sent back to Venus in all possible haste. - -And so I shall soon be extracted from the body of T. J. Nelson and his -neck will bend double in the middle again just the way it was when I -found him shortly after his accident. Then, in a little bottle of my -own, I shall accompany Gyf and Gyl homeward. - -But, don't worry, I'll be back! I'll be back just as soon as I can -hitch a ride on a returning spaceboat! - -So take good care of yourself, my friend, and don't catch pneumonia or -step in front of a truck or anything like that--_until I return_. - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HOLD ONTO YOUR BODY! *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. 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