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diff --git a/old/65614-0.txt b/old/65614-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 04883db..0000000 --- a/old/65614-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4089 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Mr. Togo, by Wallace Irwin - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Mr. Togo - Maid of all Work - -Author: Wallace Irwin - -Release Date: June 14, 2021 [eBook #65614] - -Language: English - -Produced by: Peter Becker, Martin Pettit and the Online Distributed - Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was - produced from images generously made available by The - Internet Archive) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. TOGO *** - - -MR. TOGO - - -[Illustration: - -_Hoping you are the same, - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO_] - - - - -MR. TOGO -_MAID OF ALL WORK_ - -WALLACE IRWIN -(HASHIMURA TOGO) - -[Illustration: Logo] - - -NEW YORK -DUFFIELD & COMPANY -1913 - - - - -COPYRIGHT, 1913 -BY DUFFIELD & COMPANY - - - - -CONTENTS - - PAGE - I THE HON. VACUUM WHO CLEANS THINGS 1 - - II HON. BABY AND WHAT TO DO WITH HIM 13 - - III HON. MISS DRESSMAKER 25 - - IV THE HUSBAND’S PLACE IN THE HOME 37 - - V HOW SHOULD I DO PAPER-BAG COOKING? 49 - - VI HON. DISH RAG VS. THE HON. CHINA 61 - - VII A DAY AT HOME 73 - -VIII PETS 87 - - IX WASHING WINDOWS 97 - - X PAPER-HANGING 109 - - XI HON. GLADYS OBTAIN MATRIMONY 121 - - XII FALL CLEANING 133 - -XIII APARTMENT HOUSE LIFE IN NEW YORK 145 - - XIV CAN AUTOMOBILES BE TAMED FOR HOME USE? 157 - - XV PICNIC PARTY 169 - - XVI AN ADVENTURE IN BANTING 181 - - - - -I THE HON. VACUUM WHO CLEANS THINGS - - -_To Editor Woman’s Page who make bright talk on dusty subjects._ - -Dear Sir: - -I have just abandoned the home of Mrs. Hirem B. Bellus, Trenton, N. J., -where I was. I shall describe circumstances, showing how I quit it. - -This Mrs. Bellus, 211 lbs. sweethearted lady complete with curly-puff -hair, employ me for do Gen. Housework, price $4.50 weekly payment. This -are too less money, but she tell me small pay for small Japanese are -entirely satisfactory. Satisfactory to who? I ask it. No reply from her. - -“Are you an intelligent duster?” are first question for her. - -“Japanese dusters is more intellectual than Turkey dusters,” I snop -back. “I am acquainted with the habits of dirt and how to kill him. I -am an experienced soaper and a fearless rubb. Therefore, you hire me.” - -“Have you ever cleaned with a Vacuum?” she ask to know. - -My soul was exhausted to answer this peculiarity. - -“I never met him,” I acknowledge. - -“How could I hire servant girl not familiar with this form of art?” she -require peevly. “Vacuum cleaning are most delightful sport of home life -to-day. It are enjoyed even in the farthest suburbs of the Universe, -and yet you ignore it!” - -“Ah, Mrs. Boss Lady,” I pledge with pathos, “do not fire me before -hiring takes place! Try my sagacity. I shall learn to wrastle with this -Vacuum you told about until you are proud to know me.” - -So she took me to store room and introduce me to Hon. Vacuum. - -The Hon. Vacuum that cleans, Mr. Editor, are like an ingrowing garden -hose. He can inhale forever without coughing outwards. He are a species -of mechanical snake whose breath always travels toward his tail. To use -him, following directions must be did: - -1--Screw tail of Hon. Vacuum to sprocket in wall. - -2--Button the electricity and see what happen. - -3--You will hear a sound. It will resemble moan of puppy cats -aggravated by Winter blowing cyclones among ghosts. I cannot hear that -Vacuum noise without feeling of lonesome poetry. - -4--Hon. Vacuum begin to act disturbed. That are sign he want to eat -dust. - -5--Find some dust. Lead Hon. Vacuum to this and say, “Sick him!” -Snorts! Hon. Dust will jump to nowhere while Hon. Vacuum howell for -more food. - - -What are this Hon. Vacuum, anyhows? Hon. Dictionary Book say “Vacuum -are Nothing.” How could Mr. Danl Webster speak such untruth by his -Dictionary? Vacuum cannot be Nothing and yet make so much noises. - -This intellectual Vacuum machinery resemble ostriches in what they eat. -He delight to sip up tacks, needles, buttons and other hard groceries. -He appreciate small wad of paper occasionally, but when I attempt feed -him entire newspaper he hold it firmly against his nose, but refuse to -go furthermore. I should like a photo of his digestion. - -Mrs. Bellus, who are a wonderfully housekept lady, admire this Vacuum -more than any of her relatives. - -“I hate Dust,” she proclaim to me. - -“Why should it?” I require. “Nearly all Earth are composed of this -delicious powder. Mexico, Sahara Desert & Jersey City is built on dust -and enjoys it continuously. Entire Italian army fight to get Tripoli, -which are nothing but dust inhabited by Mohammed.” - -“They are welcome to get it,” she snib. “With a regiment of Vacuum -Cleaners led by Gen. Housekeeping I could wipe both armies off from -Morocco and make it fit to sleep in.” - -I am shocked by her cleanliness. Yet I ask to know one question. - -“Mrs. Madam,” I reproach, “tell me this reply. When Hon. Vacuum supp up -dust from this carpet, to where do it go to?” - -She indicate Heaven with her thumb. - -“Up there is grand blow-away hole which shoo it off,” she answer it. - -So I continue on absorbing hairpins, string and other germs through -that succulent machinery. - - -No lady I work for are equally balanced in their manias. Some are -crazed about houseflies; cookery seem to make others continuously -het-up; others seem to reverberate with pain when mentioning -clothes-starch. This Mrs. Hirem B. Bellus was especially hobbed on that -Vacuum Cleanliness. She could forgive all other crimes, no matter if I -brought in beefstake too much charcoaled around edges. It no matter if -I too sluggish with my feet to answer door when it bells. It no matter -if I make outrageous beds or knock gentle glasswear in hard sink. She -forgive. But she was deliciously disgusted if Hon. Vacuum was not -mourning & howelling all day long while Togo poke its nose around among -rugs & other brick-brack. - -Her husband disagree from this. - -“Togo’s biscuits fill my teeth with hatred while his coffee show -contemptible weakness,” Hon. Bellus dib for breakfast. - -“Perhapsly,” refute Hon. Mrs., “yet he are one of the best Vacuum -Engineers I ever hired.” - -“I cannot eat a Vacuum,” reject that Husband-man, with hat-in-the-ring -expression. - -“I are not responsible for your animal hungers,” corrode this Wife -while she arose and gently order me to take Hon. Vacuum down cellar for -vacate 2 coal-bins and a ashbarrel. - -I retained this situation of jobs for six complete days’ work. All -day long I go around house dragging hose like a fireman. I got that -intelligent Vacuum so trained that he could do tricks of extreme -cuteness. He could coax shoe-buttons entirely across room by his -talented suction, and when they got up to his nose--gubble! They -disappear to zero. He loved to catch flies by breathing them inwards; -and once he attempt to withdraw Mrs. Bellus’ weak canary bird from -cage. Which he not quite did, but too nearly. - -So I continue on practicing this suctionary job; and I got so smart -from it that I was preparing to request Hon. Mrs. for more wage of -salary, when some unpleasantness exploded. I sorry to tell you. - -Last Tuesday Hon. Mrs. Hirem B. Bellus come to me and say with gloves & -hat: - -“I go for lunching at Aunt Maria Stewart whose great wealth includes -asthma and make her disagreeable but necessary. Be faithful with your -Vacuum while I are away.” - -I promus her. - -“Grocer man will be here this p. m. for collect bill,” she corrode with -indignation peculiar to debts. “Here are 20$ banknote for payment. I -owe him 26$. Tell him to keep the change.” - -So she part off, leaving me that 20$ paper of extreme value. Mr. -Editor, it make me nervus to be alone with great wealth. Sipposing some -burglary should come by window? Sipposing my dishonest instinct should -fly up and make me skip Canada with cash-money? - -Yet I was entirely faithful by that 20$. I took him and fold him to -smallish wad, then I lay him carefully in crack of sofa where burglars -could not see, yet I could not forget where was. Hon. Vacuum stood near -purring softly while I done this. Who could expect what shall be? - -Me & Hon. Vacuum continue our vacuous task, making kick-back of dust -wherever was. I run him over rugs so oftenly that he pull holes from -them. I make him sniff all cobble-webs from the pictures & poke his -nose into each corner where was. We was very friendly, me & Vacuum. - -I continue to vac. After Hon. Vacuum had sniffed off all wall paper, -sideboard, etc., I remember how upholsterish chairs & sofas must be -cured of germs also, so I vacuate these velvet upholsters. I was doing -very nicely, thank you, when, of suddenly, I point nose of Hon. Vacuum -to sofa where that 20$ bill was setting tightly. Yet no financial -panics came to me until--O FRIGHTS!! _That 20$ bill begin hopping -toward Hon. Vacuum’s nose with hypnofied expression peculiar to birds -when eaten by charming snakes!_ - -I make snatch for money--alast! I was too late in beginning. Hon. Bill -make leap to nose of Hon. Vacuum--gollup! Down long, thin throat of -this machinery that wealthy cash was swallowed. I try to choke him so -he give it back,--but useless it was. That cash-paper had flipped into -his interior digestion before Jack Robinson could say it. - -So I unbotton electricity and look down Hon. Vacuum with considerable -angry rage. What had he did with my trustful money? O how my -indignation jump up! How could this mechanical snake treat me so -trickful after I had chaperoned him and fed him dust for several -complete days? I shook him with grand cruelty in hopes to make him -cough back that wealth of Mrs. Hirem B. Bellus. He remain entirely -bulldoggish with that bill clasped somewheres inside. - -Then I remember how Mrs. Bellus had told me how trash suctioned -away by Hon. Vacuum was blowed high-ward through hole in roof. Maybe -I should catch that 20$ yet before he got out! So with immediate -quickness I got top-ladder & clomb to roof where I dishcover hole. Yet -it was entirely penniless. Now & occasionally slight spurt of dust -blow from hole; sometimes one shoe-button would popp out from where -Hon. Vacuum had kicked him. Yet that hole remain like a bursted bank, -refusing to surrender money. - -Afar off in direction of Pennsylvania I could observe slight dusty -expression of sky. I feel sure that was Mrs. Bellus’ money travelling -West. - -Enjoying great discouragements I got down from that roofly seat and -wrote following telegram to Mrs. Bellus before walking farewell: - - - “Togo is resigned. Hon. Vacuum blow your 20$. So sorry to say. - The unexpected often happen, so you may get this money back, as - I do not see how you ever can. When last seen it was going to - Pennsylvania where I shall be there to catch it if he fall down - and send back by P. O. delivery.” - - -When I wrote this telegram I pin him to kitchen door and walk rapidly -away with expression of one going West and expecting to arrive there. -And while travelling I think of one wise quotation: “Nature abhors a -Vacuum.” I am agreeable to Nature in this. - -Hoping you are the same, - Yours truly, - _Hashimura Togo_. - - - - -II HON. BABY AND WHAT TO DO WITH HIM - - -_To Editor Woman’s Page, who was once a Baby, but has got over it._ - -Dear Mr. Sir: - -I have now released myself from Patriot’s Bluff, Ohio, where I took -considerable experience away with me. There I done home-work for Mr & -Mrs Henery M. Bushel & child for delicious cheapness of wages, thank -you. When I approach this Bushel home 2 weeks formerly from now, Hon. -Mrs (refined lady with wealthy golden tooth) look severely at my -Japanese humility. - -“Togo,” she narrate, “this house contains the brightest, most valuable -& booflest Hon. Baby in all world.” - -I attempt to look surprised. “Mrs Madam,” I say gradually, “I have -worked already at 13½ places which also contained the brightest, most -valuable & booflest Hon. Baby in all world. How could it? Did them -other places all have same baby?” - -“No. But them other babies was all imposters,” she dib. - -So she led me to setting-room, walking with quiet toes and wrapped -expression peculiar to folks approaching Mikado or some other -President. In 1/8 size rocking-bed I observe Hon. Baby laying among -considerable softness and appearing quite babyhood. - -“Are he not remarkabilious child?” she require. - -“I are sure he must be very distinguished,” I say sweetishly. - -“Why you think so?” she require with gently smiling. - -“Because,” I says so, “all distinguished persons appears quite plain -when first observed.” - -“I do not care to hear your foreign thoughts,” she grudge. - -Hon. Baby make happy guggle to see me, so I know we should get very -friendship together. I waggle my thumbs to him, so he make more laugh. - -“DON’T!!” holla Hon. Mrs. “You wish explode my child’s nerves by this -actions?” - -“Are it injurious for childhood to laugh at my thumbs?” I ask it. - -“Many children are spoilt forever by too much laughter in infancy,” -she explan. “I raise this child like I raise biscuits--by book. Volume -entitled ‘How Do It to Grow Best Children’ tell me delicious nervus -diseases what children will be entitled to if not careful. By feeding, -exercise, etc., I intend to make this Babe great man for future.” - -“Shall he be Presidential Candidate, perhapsly?” I require. - -“No! he shall never have such brutal treatment!” she exclam. “Yet I are -sure he shall be great because he has his grandfather’s eyes.” - -I could not believe such youngly child could rob old gentleman of -his eyesight. Yet I say nothing. “Have he got a name?” I require for -chivalry. - -“Several,” she report. “He are pronounced Alexander Applegate Leopold -Bushel.” - -“Bushel baskets have been filled with less,” I say punnishly. “That -name surrounds him completely.” - -“For shortness we call him Goo,” she say so. “Now I shall tell you his -daily programme.” She take paper from table and read me following list -of deeds intended for that Babyhood: - - - 5:30 to 6 A. M. crying exercises enjoyed for development of lung. - - 6:15 sterilised milk programme with bottle. - - 7:30 Hon. Baby bathed in fluid offensive to mikrobes. Hon. Father - then permitted to bring out scales and weigh Hon. Baby so to show - he soon will be a Physical Perfection like Family. - - 8:10 A. M. ½ hour baby-talk conversation by his mother for - development of brain. - - 8:40 slight perambulation in baby-cab continuing 2 hours. This - trip must go through considerable streets and scenery, so Hon. - Baby will get used to travel. - - 10:40 homeward arrival. More crying exercises enjoyed for benefit - of lung. - - 11:30 continual sleep programme until entirely saturated with - slumber. - - Afternoon--same like morning programme, only more so. - - -Hon. Mrs Bushel told me this with intense accuracy peculiar to -statistics. - -“You speak reverently about sterilised milk,” I pronounce. “How do you -make this youthful beveridge?” - -“This milk are best science for all baby,” she report. “You put him in -clean kettle & boil him to scalding point--” - -“Boil Baby to scalding point?” I screech with shocks. - -“No!! Boil milk,” she otter. - -Which show what difficult housekeeping babies can be. - - * * * - -Mr Editor, one important rule I notice about babies--you must not -never give them nothing that they want. This Hon. Bushel Baby are -continuously poking forth sweet hands and making considerable blueness -from his eyes to show his undesirable whims & requisitions. One time -I was approaching steps with 100-lb ice-chunk for kitchen. Hon. Baby -seen this and order some by making finger-signals. How could I disobey -this toy boss? So I split off slight fracture of ice & was attempting -to make present of this to him when--O scream! Mrs Boss came flewing -outward and seen what was. - -“Stop!” she holla. “You wish refrigerate that darling interior?” - -I feel entirely hashed for my ignorance. - -Another occasion Hon. Baby reach forth and begin eating loose end of my -pink calicoed apron with toothless expression of sublime joyness. While -he ate he say, “Ah-Goo!” which are Chinese words meaning “a good salad -can be made of almost anything.” - -Screams!!! “What style murder are you serving to my child now?” yall -Mrs Henery M. Bushel hysterially. - -“Excuse please. Are aprons injurious for food supply?” I ask to know. - -For answer Hon. Mrs Bushel grabb him to arms & rosh at telephone. - -“Hello, Doctor yes, come to the poisoning quick!” she gollup. Then she -walk forward & back adding groans while Hon. Baby observe her emotions -with great amusement. - -Honk-honk to door. Hon. Dr Ottomobile arrive with chuggs & he hop -forthly containing bags and implements. - -“Where is poison?” he require, calm but nervus while his beard look -entirely scientific. - -“Here are!” hissy Hon. Mrs tearing forth my apron. “Hon. Baby ate this -heartily.” - -Hon. Dr took out mikeroscope. First he look at Hon. Baby through -his mouth, then he poke that glass against my apron and peep with -earnestness. - -“This article contain 101 per cent. venomous products,” he explan. “In -addition there is maniac acid solution with hypocritical sublimate. I -am surprised to see your child looking so well, because by Science he -should be dead 9 times.” - -Hon. Mrs wept, but Hon. Baby continue making gurgle-laugh with Xmas -dinner expression. For 48 complete hours his parents continued standing -on end, expecting that child to perish off, because he was so much -better behaved than usual. - - * * * - -Me & Alexander continue to be dear college chums; yet I was entirely -nervus to approach him, because I was afraid I might explode some -science connected with it. But all commencements have their finish. One -day it came thusly: - -“Take Hon. Baby for sidewalk promenade,” holla Mrs Henery M. Bushel -from upstairs side. “You will find peramble-buggy on front porch. You -must begone 2 hours and not aggrevate him by your foolish attentions. -If he begin to cry, wheel homewards.” - -“Shall do so,” I terminate. - -“And remember thus,” she commute. “So long as he silent, you must not -notice him.” - -So I put on hat & go forthly to front porch where peramble-buggy was -there. I wheel this along without noticing Hon. Baby, because I was -ordered to snub it. The faithful duty I always possess made me entirely -noble. I did not even peek in buggy for see how he look. Such were my -obedience to commandments. For 1 hour I push that child-cab through -fashionable streets where he can become educated by society sights. -Silence from him. For 21 minute I wheel him by rivers, trees & scenery -where he could become educated in Nature. Silence yet from him. For 15 -minute I ride him by bank-buildings, offices, drug-stores, so he can -get educated in business conditions. And yet he remain silent like a -hypnofied fly. His refined behaviour made me feel lonesome--to pass -1 hour, 36 minute without some cry-exercises were too much for me to -believe. He must be wrong somewheres. So, in defy to Hon. Boss Lady’s -orders, I lift back top from that child-carriage--and O shocks! What I -seen? Nothing!! Hon. Baby were not there!!!!!! - -My brain began running backwards. Where could Hon. Baby went? Was he -pulled out of buggy by airships while I was not looking? Had he drop -from bottom of that cart or crolled over side and eloped secretively? I -confused in all directions while my heart remained stationary. - -With empty baby-trundle I trott along each sidewalk requiring, “You -seen loose baby?” from each persons who said they didn’t. Hon. Police -come and ask me what was. I told so. - -“Black Hand stole um!” Holla Hon. Police with rabid calm. So he -commence to trott along by me while 48 mobbed persons join up with us. -“Have you saw loose baby?” everybody ask it. Nobody had. - -Finally, made desperado by my fear, I decide to return back to home of -Bushel and report what was. So elope I there, chaperoned by Hon. Police -& persons. I stood by porch with quaker knees, knowing Mrs Bushel would -be irritated to lose such nice child. While I stood thusly--beholt! -Door flew ope and out come Hon. Mrs carrying Hon. Baby in arms! - -“Fool Togo!” she yellup. - -“Yes, please!” This from me. - -“When you left house with Hon. Buggy how could you forgot?” - -“Forgot what?” I asked to know. - -“You forgot Baby!” she snagger. - -Then I remember what was. When I left house she told I shouldn’t -disturb Hon. Baby, so I forgot to look see if he was there in Hon. -Buggy! - -“Mrs Madam,” I erupt, stretching myself upwards to Samurai height. “By -not taking your baby out and losing him, I saved his life. Yet I shall -charge you nothing for this heroism.” - -“You shall save his life again by eloping away from hither at once,” -she dib wild-cattishly. “Leave baby-cab on front porch and let me see -your absence.” - -So I made very sorry removal feeling similar to one who make a living -swallowing dull swords. - -Hoping you are the same, Yours truly, - _Hashimura Togo_. - - - - -III HON. MISS DRESSMAKER - - -_To Editor Woman’s Page Who Understand How Ladies Can Be Dress-Made -Until They Appear Beautiful._ - -Dear Mr Sir: - -During my progress around from places to places I have got acquaintance -with all sorts American musical instruments. Banjos, gasolene, stoves, -trumbones and basso drums I have heard shooting their music. But never -until of recently did I encounter a sew-machine doing so. Sew-machines -are different from pianos in several ways. Pianos are good for -accompany ladies singing; sew-machines are useful for accompany ladies -gossiping. This I notice. - -Place at which I was most formerly employed was Mrs Jno W. Smith -(pronounced the same way) who reside by her husband near Poison Ivy -View, Conn. - -This Mrs Smith have a mind full of drygoods. She speak of her friends -in dressmake language entirely. - -“Jno,” she say to her husband when they set down for dinner-eat -ceremony, “to-day I met the most charming Brussels lace with accordeon -tassels at wrists and elbows.” - -“What was her name in real life?” require Hon. Smith with nervus -expression of check-book. - -“Mrs Ethel Crabapple,” report Hon. Mrs Jno, her mind making -drop-stitches of fashionable pattern. “She have took up woman-suffrage -movement and speaks very beautiful under her pink majolica hat of baby -ostrich plumes.” - -Hon. Jno Smith sigh like a bye-gone day. - -“Ethel Crabapple!” he renig for slight sentiment. “I knew her when she -was merely Ethel Scraggs. How is she?” - -“Quite well, I think,” relapse Mrs Jno. “She spoke on Progress wearing -a green opera cloak of cerise burlap aggrevated with panels of Arabian -chiffon and satin annex at collar.” - -Hon. Smith withdraw himself from this conversation for fear he might be -asked to buy some similar uniform for his wife. - -When this Mrs Smith are asked to ball-parties, dance-step festivals, -trolley-ride, bridge-play gambol, etc., she look extremely downtrodden -for days & days. Her husband remain calm but frightened, like Wall -Street before it collapses. Of finally she lead Hon. Smith to breakfast -where she report distinctually, - -“I am absent of all clothing to wear anywheres.” - -I do not notice this. But Hon. Jno grone severely while he give her all -the wealth of his pockets. Then he go glubly away to his office feeling -like the Queen of Sheba’s husband when it was fashionable for ladies to -dress in solid gold with diamond buttons. - - -About one week of yore my Hon. Boss Lady come at me and decry, - -“Togo,” she say, “one extra plate must arrive to table this week.” - -“You expecting some person?” I ask out. - -“No. Only a dressmake,” report her. - -“Must I mix extra food for her daily?” I snuggest. - -“Ah, no, not to do,” she repartee with economy voice. “This Miss -Dressmake will eat what the family does.” - -“If she eat what the family does, what will the family eat?” I ask to -know. - -No reply to this request. - -Several considerable days before Miss Dressmake arrive up, Mrs Jno -W. Smith spend many literary hours pursuing stylish magazines full of -smiling ladies dressed in colours. Each ladies in them pictures was -surrounded by diagrams & patterns showing how she was made. Mrs Smith -select these portraits carefully, to see which she would rather look -like. She prefer portrait of lady named “Style 41144B.” She say she -would request Hon. Dressmake to fix her appearance like that. - -“How you describe this dress, please?” I ask to know. - -“It is a pan velvet shirred and basted with the yoke separated from the -white,” she report. - -“Eggs can be cooked in similar stylish fashion,” I communicate. She do -not seem to assimilate them words I said. - -Day before arrival of Hon. Miss Dressmake this Mrs Smith derange back -parlor with delicious variety of cloth to resemble drygoods emporium. -Spools, tapes & other patterns are confused everywheres. You would -expect Panama Canals could be built from such a preparations. - -“Are dressmake-ladies expensive artists to employ?” I ask it. - -“Deliciously so,” she pop back. “They cost $1.50 per daily, not to -mention wear and tear on food and sew-machine. I expect this lady to -make me 2 ball-dance gowns, 1 wrapping-kimono, 1 stylish walk-suit, 2 -costumes for afternoon tea ceremony and ½ doz. pajamas for Hon. Jno -Smith. She will be employed nearly 4 days.” - -“How can you possibly make any profit from her?” I ventriloquate. No -reply as yet. - -Pretty soonly Hon. Annie B. Goblin (Miss), slightly spinster lady of -detached age, arrive up to do this dressmake employment. Her complexion -was concealed behind freckles. She might of been beautiful, had she not -been homely. - -This Miss Goblin lady understood international sewing to any extent. -She could combine Irish lace, China silk and Persian embroidery on the -same dress without the least race-riot. Few politicians can keep so -many nationalities together calmly. - -She were a very talented sewing-bee who never quit buzzing with -conversations. She was one of them ladies what makes newspapers useless. - -Last Thursday A. M. Hon. Mrs Smith give her $4.80 worth of Baptist silk -and command her to create a dress to resemble Princess Patricia, so -much as possible. - -“At that price I can make you look like a Queen slightly marked down,” -communicate Hon. Annie B. Goblin, making whizz with sew-wheel, at same -time telling delicious society news with her pincushion voice. - -“Mrs Horse W. Harvey hope to be a widow soon,” she report between -stitches. “She has took up voice culture which must kill her husband -with rapidity. She owe me $8.64 for two years and her Jewish lynx set -is merely her husband’s fur overcoat warmed over.” - -“I have long enjoyed that delicious suspicion,” deploy Mrs Jno W. -Smith, who do not care for gossip, but merely stay near to oversea that -job. - -“Mrs van Swallow Tagg has a mortgage on her house which leaks,” -continue on this sewing-wasp. “I am sorry for her peevish temper which -is a disease. Her husband is a good man, but dishonest.” - -“She wears her hats unbearably,” reproach Mrs Jno W. - -“Mrs Cyrus Q. Bogle’s prominent Aunt Angelica drinks patent medicine -for her rheumatism.” - -“How shocked I am!” explode Hon. Mrs. “Tell me some more.” - -“Her nephew Joshua who goes to Yale to study footballing--excuse, -please, would you prefer to have this yoke hooked or cut bias?” - -“Cut bias, please,” exclam Mrs Smith with tense voice. “What did you -say about Mrs Bogle’s Nephew Joshua who go to Yale?” - -“He arrive home from Yale smelling distinctually of cigarettes. He -cannot last long.” - -“Them Bogles contain very common stock,” repose Mrs Jno. “I seldom -could admire Mrs Bogle’s character since she came to church in that -flowered dimity with panniers of heliotrope velour cut umpire style at -the neck with a demi-train of Belgian brocade.” - -“I respect your grief,” relapse Hon. Annie B. - -“Although she are one of my dearest friends,” explan Mrs Smith, “I am -obliged to add stinginess to her other disagreeable virtues. In despite -of the fact that her husband owns one complete livery stable, she still -continues to behave like the Middle Classes. Her silk dresses are only -nearly.” - -Jing-jing!! This from front door bell. Too bad I had to answer, because -I was fascinated to hear that brutish remark of Hon. Bogles. Howeverly, -I was dutiful as usual; so I elope to door-knob. There stood one lady -wearing fashionable complexion. She poke forth following print on -call-card: - - - Mrs Cyrus Q. Bogle - At Home When She Is. - - -“Are Mrs Smith residing here this afternoon?” require Mrs Bogle. - -“Yes, if convenient,” I say to. - -“Are she too busy to appear?” - -“Yes. Thanks.” - -“Will she not appear to me, her dear-friend?” - -“No, Mrs Madam. Sorry. Too busy.” - -“Busy what with?” This from her. - -“She are employing a dressmake lady to gossip about you.” - -“Me!!” she exclam without sugar. - -Silence. - -“What stitches did this dressmake person take in my character?” she -corrode. - -“She say your Aunt Angelica drink medicine.” - -“Truthfully, she does.” - -“She report your nephew Joshua eat cigarette-smudge.” - -“I might deny that uselessly.” - -“She describe your husband’s doggish habits.” - -“I also realise them.” - -“She explain how your dress contains flounced dimity with spaniels of -heliotrope cut umpire-fashion at neck with--” - -“No more!” holla Mrs. Bogle dropping fire from her eyebrows. “Such -reports are false as they are truthless. I permit neighbours to abuse -my family, but when they distort my gowns I draw the string!” - -She done so by making door-bang and departing offward amidst furies. - -“Togo, who has came and went all at once?” require Hon. Mrs from -upstairs. - -“Mrs Cy Q. Bogle, please.” - -“Mrs Bogle--how strange. I was just discussing her.” - -“I told her you was.” This from me. - -“WHAT!!!!” This from her. - -I repeat. Loud silence. Sew-machine stop, gossip stop, dressmake stop. - -“Annie,” I hear Mrs Jno W. Smith say, “Bring me glass of water to faint -with. Also discharge Togo sooner than possible.” - -This sound so unwelcome to me that I refuse my situation by going away. -So I elope to trolley with suit-case, feeling quite the reverse. - -Hoping you are the same - Yours truly - _Hashimura Togo_. - - - - -IV THE HUSBAND’S PLACE IN THE HOME - - -_To Editor Woman’s Page, who give Ladies such delicious advice how to -preserve raspberries, beauty and other species of vegetables._ - -Hon. Mr: - -At home of Mrs. Washington Fillups where I was employed as recently as -3 days of yore I obtain many chances to observe some ladies when they -call. - -One day Mrs. Oliver Hix approach & make ring-ring to front door which I -oped to permit her in. I notice she was displayed very stylishly with -calling-card appearance. Her goldy hair contained one (1) velvet hat of -extreme blackness and her dress was all surrounded with fringes like a -piano-cover or like that Indian costume of Hon. Buffalo Bill. - -“Are Mrs. Fillups to home?” she inquire pridefully poking forth her -name with card. - -“She are,” I report. “Yet I must go to see if she will acknowledge it.” - -Hon. Mrs. Fillups were up in sewing-room mending sox with considerable -darn. When I told her who was there she report, “Her again?” Then she -dust off her nose, reorganise her hairpins and trot downward to where -Mrs. Hix was. - -Kiss-kiss heard. Joy shreeks. Conversations in soprano duet. - -It was my duty to massage off the mahogany furniture in dining-room -annexed to parlour, so how could I avoid overhearing what they said? -I did not attempt to do so, however much I tried. It was my duty to -polish that furniture in dining-room, so there I was. If ladies cannot -keep their conversation hushed, Servants cannot make their ears behave. -This is human-natural. - -After dis-cussing topicks like baby, coal-bills & other luxuries, -they commenced gossiping about some articles of furniture I could not -understand. Their voices was so interrupted I could not catch-all, but -this is what I heard: - -Mrs. Hix say: “I permit mine to set in parlour when company comes. This -is most ostentatious place.” - -From this I thought she was talking about a piano. - -“I move _mine_ into library every night after dinner,” revoke Mrs. -Fillups. “He are too smoky for parlour.” - -From that I supposed she was talking about a stove. - -“I have had mine for ten continuous years,” say Mrs. Hix saddishly, -“and from experience I am sure they are all alike. No use to be neat -and tidy when they are there. They will not stay put like other -furniture. Set them in one place and you will find they have moved -somewhere else. Dust seems to collect wherever they stand. - -“I have never seen one that could make a baby comfortable. Neither are -they able to hold a newspaper without dropping it carelessly here & -there,” report Mrs. Hix with saddish grone of dispair. - -“And yet strange thing,” interject Mrs. Fillup. “How useless home would -seem if it did not contain one!” - -Mrs. Fillup & Mrs. Hix now make whisper with hissy voices. I could not -hear, although both my ears stood endwise with excitement. I wish folks -would not be so secretive when they have secrets! - -Pretty soonly Hon. Hix Lady make up-riseing and depart off. More -kiss-kiss ceremony. She go. Then she step back and say more. She go -again, but come back for an encore. More conversations containing -secretive talk. Ladies is always thus--they tell all the important news -in the postscript. - -Pretty soonly she was gone entirely. I step forth to Mrs. Fillups. - -“Hon. Boss Lady,” I say with boldness peculiar to Samurai, “do you not -hire me to be as intellectual as possible abut household duties?” - -“I do exactly,” she otter. “Why do you ask to know?” - -“Do you not require that I should know all peculiarities about your -furniture?” I ask it. - -“Absolutely everything,” she outcry. - -“All well then,” I renig. “There is something I wish to know what. In -recent conversation which I overheard accidently while standing at -key-hole, I hear you speak about one article of furniture which I am -not familiar of. By the way you describe it, it sets in parlour like -piano until it begins smoking like a stove; then you move it to library -where it holds baby like a cradle and supports newspapers like a table! -When you set it anywheres it moves nervusly from room to room, dropping -dust like a elephant. It is a failure at everything around the house, -yet you say so that no home is complete without one. What kind of a -conundrum are you talking about, please?” - -“My husband,” report Mrs. Fillups as she elope away. - - -This husband belonging to Mrs. Fillups are quite a large gentleman. I -are not sure if husbands comes in regular sizes, but I should think -Hon. Fillups was about size 46. It are deliciously difficult to -housekeep him. - -Mrs. Fillups spend all day-long cleaning up after his departure and -preparing for his next visitation. Her favourite pet name for him is -“Don’t.” - -When he encroach home by evening train she meets him on door-mat -with cheerful smiling. Yet she has got her watch eye open for his -uncivilised ways. - -“Don’t track snow on rug, dearie, Don’t wear rubbers in house, DON’T -leave them on front steps like a tenement.” Hon. Fillups are one of -those husbands which begins to obey orders after the damage is done. - -“Darling, don’t leave it on sofa,” she report when he remove off hat & -coat. “Don’t lay cigars on mahogany table & DON’T whistle in house.” - -When he make wash-hand ceremony she say, “Don’t dry your thumbs on -clean towels!” - -“What are clean towels for?” he ask saddishly. - -“I hang them in bathroom to show company how extravagant we are with -our laundry,” rejoint Mrs. Fillups. “In this era of hard times towels -are not made merely to be used.” - -Dinner is served. At Hon. Table where they set there she resume -conversation. “Don’t tip soup plate in eating it,” she report -cow-cattishly. “Don’t stand up while carving mutton. Don’t eat salad -with oyster fork!” - -When dinner is completely finished Hon. Fillups promenade in direction -of parlour. His teeeth now contains one enlarged tobacco pipe of -sunburned appearance. - -“DON’T!!” holla Hon. Mrs. with ghost-voice. “The parlour must be saved -from that pipe. I have prepared the library for your comfort where you -can set among the books you love and read the newspapers. There you can -do what you like and feel homeful.” - -Hon. Fillups go to library. There he find one tight-back wicker chair -setting hopefully beside table. On that chair are laid out one smoke -jacket containing velvet collar of charming red. Befront of his chair -are two (2) complete slippers of carpet toes. On table are 12 refined -cigars of freckled complexion. On table next by this are works of Hon. -Robt. Browning bound in one-half calf and containing blue ribbons to -mark Mr. Fillups favourite poems, which he has never read. - -Hon. Husband make walk-in to this library where he take _Evening -Telegram_ from his pocket and unfold it on table. Then he go to -opposite corner of room, remove off his coat, pick out one large -velvet-coloured chair, light Hon. Pipe and commence reading News with -expression of intense relief. - -“Why don’t you put on smoke-jacket what I arrange for your comfort?” -requires Mrs. Fillups with injury voice. - -“Too hot, dearness,” he report from news. - -“But it matches the room so nicely,” she dib. “When will you learn to -be a decoration? Also I give you 12 fashionable cigars for Xmas and you -continue making puff-puff with that horid old pipe.” - -“I would never be so cruel as to burn up your gifts,” he repartee. -“Besides this pipe, though strong, is more gentle in its strength than -many cigars of twice its weakness.” - -“I fix you nice wicker chair by lamp-shade, yet you continue to spill -ash on fine velvet furniture. Why is?” - -“Velvet, though expensive, has a way of feeling soft to tired business -men,” he explain, looking ashamed. - -“Also I have fixed works of Hon. Robt Browning for your benefit. Why do -you continue to snub this great poet?” - -“I mean him no personal injury,” say Hon. Fillup. “Unfortunately I can -find better murders in newspapers, and they are easier to read.” - -So he continue through the evening, setting in his cuff-sleeves, -smudging his pipe and looking very misfit. - -Last Wednesday morning when he was departing off for his office he say -with hopes: - -“I shall bring college friend Charlie Stringer home for dinner, if -convenient.” - -“Don’t!” she say continuously. - -“For why?” he ask out. - -“Because,” she snagger, “Wednesday are Irish stew night, and we are -scarce on this economical vegetable. Sifficient for three are less -than enough.” - -“Oh, then!” he report. “Charlie and me shall dine together at the -Runabout Club where hasty food can be obtained abundantly day and -night.” - -“Don’t!” besearch Mrs. Fillups. Too late for reply. - -That evening by late P. M. that dinner plate for Mr. Fillups set -lonesome. Mrs. Fillups remain by table weeping into bill-of-fare. - -“Why do you weep?” I require at lengthly. - -“He will not return home for meals when I do everything for his -comfort!” she sub. - -“Mrs. Madam, excuse my chivalry, but I must speak a lecture,” I say -forth. “If you would be less careful of his comfort, maybe he would be -more comfortable. Many husbands quit home because it is too beautiful. -I realise that they do not know what is best for them. They are -cross-eyed in their intelligence. Yet are it not better to permit them -to be miserable in their own way, if this makes them happy? You must -remember: Husbands should not be furniture for the home--Home should be -furniture for the Husband. I speak this because I saw it.” - -“Elsewhere is best place for such a wise servant!” snib Mrs. Fillups -leaping to her feets. So I project myself away feeling quite absorbed -like a sponge. - -Hoping you are the same, - Yours truly, - _Hashimura Togo_. - - - - -V HOW SHOULD I DO PAPER-BAG COOKING? - - -_To Editor Woman’s Page, which makes photographs of food and other -amusements._ - -Dear Sir: - -I am a Japanese Schoolboy employed as a servant girl, but I am not -doing so this week, thank you. I am such a continual office-seeker -around Employment Bureaus that Hon. Boss say, “Back again!” whenever he -sees me arriving. - -I shall tell you what happened last. - -Mrs. S. W. Swingle, gentlemanly lady of red-haired beauty, say -tackfully, “I will employ you at great risk. Please arrive to my home -to-night.” - -There I went. This S. W. Swingle lady reside with her husband and -children respectively at Railroad View, N. J. Her Mr. Swingle, to which -she is married, is a timetable as well as a husband. His soul is full -of trains. He arrive home at 6.43 and require dinner at 6.59. He go to -bed at 11.04 and demand breakfast at 7.22 so he can catch 8.12 train. - -When I got on this job I dishcovered that my tranquillity was going -to be very scarce. I must greet milkman at dawn-light and continue my -domestic science all day until exhausted. - -Mrs. S. W. Swingle, with sweethearted expression, say that busy folks -is most happy. If this is truthful I should prefer to be slightly -miserable on Sunday and Thursday afternoons. - -Yet I remain stationary in employment until Monday when sorrow arrive -wrapped up in a Paper Bag. I shall tell you how was. - -At hour of 2.44 Mrs. S. W. Swingle arrive to kitchen with cutting -expression peculiar to scissors. - -“Togo, why for do you prepare such bad food?” she decry with angry -rage. “There is no uplift in your biscuits. Your beef is boiled until -it lose all originality. Mr. S. W. Swingle, who is far from strong, say -your coffee is the same. And so forth. You must learn to discontinue -this. If we cannot fare better you must farewell.” - -My soul feel punctured by this conversation. It seem very brutal for -me to go loose again when jobs is so infrequent to obtain. - -While thusly I was thinking I find on tip-shelf of pantry one slight -brown book. It was wrote by a Kitchen Professor and bore this -remarkable title: - - - “PAPER-BAG COOKING.” - - -This paper-bag food was invented by a French professor, I read. How -economical those French can be! I thought. I had oftenly heard how -French chef could make stylish meals out of mere remnants. They are -famus for deceiving pork till it taste like chicken and giving boiled -codfish the same expression as turtle soup. To such genius paper bags -is easy problem. - -I read this book reverentially. It say for Introduction: - - - “Paper bags when cooked properly contain new flavours you never - would imagine was there. It is considerable nourishing, as none - of its juice escapes. You can learn to cook one by reading - Instructions and becoming utterly fearless.” - - -My heart make happy laugh. I shall cook some of these paper bags for -that dear Swingle family so they will forgive me for my previous -food. So I read this book and learn how do-so. I am incomplete in the -American language, but this is how I understand him to say: - - - _“How to Cook Paper Bags_ - - “Select one paper bag which is fresh and tender. Medium-size - kind are most delicate, as large-size kind are apt to be - tough, especially in the fall. Butter this bag inside and salt - tastefully. Use meat or whatever pork chops are in icebox to stuff - bag with. Add one vegetable until satisfied. The bag is now ready - to roast. - - “Next take one oven. Heat it to hotness of about 300 thermometers. - Poke Hon. Bag inside this and see what happens. Occasionally make - peek into oven to observe how bag behaves. If Hon. Bag catch - afire, put out. Do not be discouridged. When he is sufficiently - cooked, remove out and chop with shears. Serve hot. You will be - surprised to taste it.” - - -I follow this literary directions with faithfulness peculiar to -Samurai. First I got one small, young paper bag which formerly -contained string beans. I supposed from what I read in that Book that -paper bags should be stuffed like turkeys to make nicest roast. So I -fill him with following food which I obtain from icebox: - - - 1 lbs complete beafstake knifed into small pieces - ½ bottel tomatoes catch up - Representative beets, onions, carots and potatus - Plentiful water moistened to taste - - -That Swingle kitchen contain one gas-stove of 40 horse-power capacity -and includes one oven which is easily het up to angry rage. I light -this oven. Great heat arrive. Then I place Hon. Paper Bag carefully in -one drip-pan, pour over it some slight water, so it wouldn’t burn, and -poke inside oven. Then I set down thoughtful and await the future. - -Mrs. S. W. Swingle arrive to kitchen with question-mark expression in -her blue eye. - -“What we shall have for dinner, Togo?” she ask out nervely. - -“Ah, Mrs. Madam! If I should tell you, you would cease to be surprised. -Yet it is something exalted I shall offer you. So different from those -monotonous foods previously experienced!” All this I spoke. - -That lady retreat away expectfully. - -I watch this cookery by alarm clock to see it shall not be too long. -Hon. Book say “When bag are stuffed with meat, cook 25 minute. When -stuffed with vegetables, cook 20 minute.” I figure this arithmatic -with lead-pencil. That bag was stuffed with both meat and vegetables, -therefore 20+25=45. That bag must cook 45 complete minutes to be -sifficiently delicious. - -At end of 14 minutes I take slight peek to oven. O sakes! You would not -know Hon. Bag for himself, he was so swole. He contain more uplift than -one quart yeast. He was so baloonical in shape that I fear he might -float upward containing meat and vegetables. Therefore I prick him -slightly with fork. - -POPP!! - -Grand explode arrive. I am shot by out-rush of stewed steam which jump -out amidst delicious flavour. Hon. Bag flop back completely exhausted. -No more puff up for him. He droop amidst them meat and vegetables like -a wet sail in a shipwreck. I close oven door deceptively. Hon. Book say -nothing about this angry behaviour of food. Maybe that will improve its -nourishing qualities. - -After it had been some time in baking condition I was enabled to enjoy -the perfume of this aroma. Each food when it cook make some odor of -smell. Apple pie smell like joyful hunger of schooldays. Roast beef -smell like powerful appetite of athelete. But paper bag smell like fire -among newspapers. I notice this. - -While this food was roasting I look out of window and observe Hon. -Robert Jackson, near neighbour, approach and make knock to door. - -“Mrs. Madam,” he report when that Swingle lady come to door, “I -announce your house is afire.” - -“How you know?” requesh she with pale voice. - -“Because I smelt burned wall-paper distinctually!” - -Loud screem by Mrs. S. W. Swingle. They rosh to cellar. Nothing was -burning there--not even the furnace. They trot to roof. Nothing was -smoking there--not even the chimbley. - -“It must be Uncle Oliver burning autumn leaves,” explan Hon. Jackson. -How could he know it was my cooking he smelt? - -When nextly I peek into oven I observe Hon. Bag afire around edges. -Otherwise he was cooking nicely. I put him out with slight splosh of -water. He look quite contented swimming around in midst of juices -containing vegetables. 17 more minutes remain to cook him. - -Night approach. I notice by alarm clock that time have now relapsed for -Hon. Paper Bag to be completely cooked. So I take him out on platter. -He look somewhat quaint. Paper bags is like spinach; they seem most -beautiful when raw. It was alarmed for to see how Hon. Bag had shrunk -away. He seemed insufficient for healthful family of four persons. Next -time I must cook two. Howeverly, it was necessary to make most of what -was, so I rolled Hon. Bag out longwise like a omelet. Then I surround -him with meat and vegetables in diagram of beautiful art. - -“Togo!” holla Mrs. S. W. Swingle exploding into kitchen suddenly like -a gun, “Togo, what you been cooking to make my home smell like a -fire-insurance?” She cough in soprano. - -“I have baked you a paper bag,” I report with words containing smiles. -I point to plate where it was. - -“Paper _what_?” she howell. - -“Bag,” I repartee. - -She walk to platter and poke Hon. Bag irreverently with fork. She make -scorn with her nose. Then she open kitchen door and urge me to it with -enraged broomstick. - -“I give you your choice,” she say horesly. “Either you can go at once -or depart immediately.” - -“I shall not wait that long!” I collapse with cruel expression peculiar -to eagles. “If you discharge me, I shall obtain mean revenge. I shall -quit.” - -Thusly speaking I promenade forth into unemployment. I am still there. - -Hoping you are the same, - Yours truly, - _Hashimura Togo_. - - - - -VI HON. DISH RAG VS. THE HON. CHINA - - -_To Editor Woman’s Page who can serve Truth to homes in cups & saucers._ - -Hon. Dear Sir: - -As nearly ago as last Wedsday I was connected to home of Mrs Jas Jones, -Peru, Ind., where I am now not. My departure I shall relate. - -Though refined in her appearances, this Hon. Mrs Jones is known by the -dishes she keeps. - -This Jones home are a continuous China closet entirely filled with -it. Bloated blue bowls set in shelves amidst cups which look like -History had drunk out of them. Stingy-size coffee cup to be taken after -dinner are there to any extent. In presidential cabinets of mahogonish -appearance she got considerable cut-up glasswear which make flashes -resembling diamonds in show-case. - -“Togo,” she say so, “because you are intellectual Japanese, I are sure -you can take care of my dishes.” - -“Japan are elegant chaperone for China,” I absorb with chivalry. - -“All my cubboards is filled with dear associates,” she acknowledge. -“Yonderly plates is real Japanese curios what Aunt Martha bought while -travelling abroad in Chicago. Yonderly cups was handed down to me by Mr -Ancestor.” - -“2 of them was handed down pretty hard,” I say so, because handles was -knock off. - -“Crack and bump are considered antique,” she dib, while showing me 65 -soup platters containing photo of Massacheussets to show how they was -once property of Henry Clay. - -All them dishes look at me with prides, like I should be ashamed of my -cheapness. - -“Togo,” deploy Hon. Mrs Jas Jones, as soonly as I was surprised as much -as I could, “dishes like mine must not be washed brutally. They must be -dishpanned like invalids.” - -“I shall be trained nurse to them so much as possible,” I collapse. -“Should I need toilet soap to wash such fineness?” - -“Intellect are more important than soaps,” she explan. “Only once did I -have a servant lady with sifficient intellect to wash my dishes, but -she would not remain. She are now in Colorado running for Congress.” - -“How shall I do it to make scientific dish-wash?” I ask to know. - -She tell me this following recipe: - -1st--Take one dishpan of good family, mix him with 3½ qrts. water of -angry hotness until Hon. Dishpan seem quite tender. - -2nd--Take one Soap of medium ripeness and mix him until he sud. Egg -beater can be used if willing. - -3rd--Dish-wash are now ready for it. Best Dishes to wash are them what -has been smudged by foods. - -4th--Drop Hon. Dish into delicious warmth of water. He will drown, but -you must not pity him until he arrive entirely clean by soap. - -5th--Hon. Dish will now expect warm shower bath. - -6th--Wipe him until fatigued. - -7th--Hon. Dish are now ready to eat another meal. - -“Most delicate tool to be used in dish-wash,” Mrs Jones tell with -voice, “are Hon. Dishrag. He must never be neglect. He must be kep in -healthful condition of athlete by continual care. He must be always -clean like white gloves, so Hon. Mikerobes will not walk on him. -Otherwise he will be full of feverish diseases which he will give my -Dishes to pass on to us. - -“To keep dishrag clean are more important duty of home life than bakery -or piano lesson. You unstand this?” - -“Distinctually!” I report. “But tell me this reply. What should I do if -Hon. Dishrag should axidentally throw himself down on floor where dust -is?” - -“Oh!!” This from her. “Never--no, never at all must Dishrag be -permitted to behave like that by dropping to Floor. No!! Several 1000s -of person is murdered each annual year by Dishrags what has thusly -flopped and caught mikerobe. O Togo, you promus me one Thing?” - -“I promus.” - -“Promus you never permit Dishrag to flop to Floor whatever earthquake -happen?” - -I promus reverendly by lifting my knuckles. So she permit me to wash -her dishes. - - -Things happens when they shouldn’t. This is what make newspapers and -other novels so pleasant to read. And so it was with me. - -For 2 week times I work for this Mrs Jas Jones without any crisis -arriving. She were so deliciously stingy of her Mrs Washington pitcher, -cups & glasswear that she use 10c. store dishes of flat-iron thickness -for daily use when her Husband & other folks she did not respect was -home. So I needs not think of scientific dish-wash during them happy -days. Yet I worry about Hon. Dishrag continuously, because I was afraid -he might strike some germs. How could I keep him clean while washing -plates with him? - -So I wash plates with my rude hands and hung Hon. Dishrag to clean peg -where he would not get soil. Hon. Mrs seem entirely pleasant when she -see the trained-nurse appearance of that Hon. Rag. I feel sure I should -last there until old age. - -But one afternoon was different, Mr Editor, because Mr & Mrs Budhammer, -grandfather, dog, 2 Aunts and assorted children arrive up for -lunching. Add to this Mr & Mrs Jas Jones and you have considerable -dish-wash for poor Togo. And what did Hon. Mrs Jones do? She arrange -on table all her important dishwear for fashionable appearance. Andrew -Jackson butter-platter was there; Wm Shakespeare pattern plates with -golden dots; Mr Ancestor’s glasswear in cut-up shapes of aggrevated -beauty--every scarce China you could imagine was set there for folks to -eat so I could wash it. - -Them guests was very hospitable to Mr & Mrs Jas Jones. They say them -plates was so beautiful they make the food taste better than it was. -They make happy conversations while Aunt Elizabeth tell about her -husband who died from Rheumatism on the brains. Everybody speak of -subject he like most. Hon. Mrs Jones tell mean things she could say to -neighbours and Mr Budhammer describe how happy he was before marriage. -Thus do social interchange make joyful friendship! - -After slight coffee was drunk all rose up and eloped forthly to -verandah where all could smoke amidst fancy work and tell gossip -anecdotes. - -But I was not invited to this. It was now my important time for -dish-wash when I should show all the science of my soul with that -valuable China & other cups. - -I take all fashionable Ancestor dishes from table and pile to kitchen. -I was deliciously skilful like a bricklayer as I stacked cup on plate -etc., until I got one nice crockery mountain 6¼ feet high with Mrs -Martha Washington pitcher standing top-tip of 16 glasses looking -beautiful like History monument. It are remarkable how many dishes can -pile on each other without falling off. - -I cooked some hot water by boiling it. Then I obtain Hon. Dishpan & -satisfy him full of hot water, adding soap until it seem comfortable. -Nextly I remove Hon. Dishrag from window where he enjoy sunshine -by looking into garden. With reverent fingers, so I should not mix -mikerobes with him, I flop him to Dishpan. Then I splunge my hands into -that sud and stir continuously. - -Mr Editor, did you ever stand with your fingers in warm dishwater -thinking Thoughts. Such kind hotness surrounds your wrists that you -feel poetical and disengaged. I am not suprised that so many servant -ladies is such sweet singers while dish-washing. Their souls cannot -remain hardened while their fingers is soaking in such pleasant soap -sud. - -Suddenly, while thusly I stood, great confusion came to my brain. I -remember what Hon. Mrs told me about keeping Hon. Dishrag away from -dirt. Then I look to that pile of Dishes. Some of them, though rare & -expensive, was all disarranged by colours of food and blackberry pie. -No! I could not enrage my sweet Boss Lady by touching sacred rag to -that! - -So I lift Hon. Dishrag from soap-water, ring him out with loving care -and begin shake him so no rude germs would remain from contact with -sud. I make 2 complete shakes and was starting Shake No 3--when O! Hon. -Dishrag escape from my finger and start flopping to floor! Terrors! -This must not happen!! How raged Hon. Mrs would be if this respected -rag should catch some dust against her stric orders! - -With immediate quickness I make extreme grab sidewards, snatching -rapidly like cats catching grasshopper. I got him--between thumbs -and elbows I caught that escaping Rag, but in thusly behaving--whop! -My physique collapsed against entire dish-pile and following climax -happened: - -SMASHES!!!! - -With noise peculiar to a crockery store falling off an Alp all that -expensive China & glasswear elapse to floor and mix itself into broken -hash like a battlefields after cannon shoots it. You could not tell -cups from plates in that crackery of crockery. - -“O murder from ignorant Japanese!” holla Hon. Mrs Jas Jones & Company -making inrush to kitchen. “Alive sakes, you have dropped my entire -home!” - -And yet I smiled. - -“Why you laugh like hickory Indian when all I have is broke?” she otter. - -“Mrs Madam,” I corrode brave like frozen Napoleon, “I acknowledge the -brokerage which I made amidst Hon. Dishes. Yet you needs not worry. I -have saved your Dishrag.” - -Human nature are very doggish, Mr. Editor. Though I prove to that -Lady how heroic I was she kill all my answers with her replies while -Hon. Mr Jones toss me forth from that jobs. With rabid hat I bid -farewell without saying so. I are just another hero walking in homeless -direction because of shipwreck. - -Hoping you are the same - Yours truly - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -VII A DAY AT HOME - - -_To Editor Woman’s Page who is honest man, therefore at home when he -is._ - -Dearest Sir: - -My next escape was from employment of Mrs. Clarence Calicutt, Siberia, -N. Y. This lady was very highly esteamed. She practise theosophy on her -mind and make society acquaintance with frequent ladies. She had the -most deceptive behaviour of any personality I ever employed to boss me. -Her voice was half in half. One end of it was sweet, but the other end -contained considerable quinine. The bitterish end was all I ever saw. -For instancely, in curl-paper hour of early morning she would arise -upward from breakfast and say, “Togo, why you so dub this day? Are you -foolish or merely brainless?” Hashly she spoke it. - -Jing-jing from telephone. - -“Hello--are that you, Clara? How charmed you are! Yes, honey, I should -seem very much obliged!” Sweetly she used her voice. - -“Why you speak lemons to me and honey to telephone?” I asked to know. - -“Because,” she report, “there are two ways of talking--one way for -servants, other way for telephone.” - -“Sometimes I wish you would talk to me like a telephone,” I require, -saddishly. - -One raindrop morning this Mrs. Calicutt approach to me and report. -“Togo, I am at home to-morrow afternoon.” - -“Will you be more at home then than you are now?” I ask it. - -“I are not at home now,” she dib, snubbly. - -“How confused!” I magnify. “You mean tell me you are not at home when I -see you there standing?” - -“Truthfully I speak it.” This from her. - -“Then maybe you could be elsewhere when you are at home?” I collapse. - -“Quite conveniently,” she otter. “I know some several ladies who -frequently go ottomobile riding on days when they are at home.” - -“America are full of customs,” I report, enjoying headache in my -understanding. - -“I am at home on second and fifth Wednesdays of September, June, and -January,” she speak onwards. “I choose them difficult dates so folks -can amuse themselves calculating when they will see me next. It are -not fashionable for a lady to be seen too frequently at her residence.” - -“It would require train despatchers and astronomers to calculate when -to call with cards,” I report. She make no visible reply to that. - -“To-morrow is my Wednesday,” she describe, pridefully. - -“Will you keep this date all to yourself?” I ask to know. - -“Not by no means I won’t!” she snudge. “I have invite considerable -guests for slight tea-drunk. I asked them for 4. P. M. So I shall -expect them about 6:30.” - -“How much people you expect, if any?” I require. - -“Folks who comes to afternoon tea-drunk are like mice what comes -to traps. You never can tell how many you will catch. Sometimes -refreshment-bait are entirely wasted without a nibble. Sometime they -come in such quantities they carries off the trap. Sometime, when you -ask folks to tea, they behave shyly like rabbits. Sometimes they make -forward stampede like mules, all attempting to rush at once.” - -“Then you cannot give me any statistic to estimate how many persons -will arrive up to your Wednesday to-morrow?” - -“I asked 80 persons. Perhapsly 8 or 200 will arrive. Who knows what?” - -“Do all them persons expect to eat from your food?” I asked, for cold -eyebrows. - -“Folks does not come to teas to eat entirely, but to eat somewhat,” she -reproof. “Mutton chops, oyster, and soup would seem too heavyweight for -such festival. Yet they would act disappointed and peevly if they could -not have some lightweight refreshment.” - -“Ham plus eggs would do for them, perhapsly?” I snuggest. - -“Nothing would seem more toothless for such occasion,” she growell. -“Slight nibble of cakes, slight squench of chocolate will be too -sufficient with conversation. Therefore, I ask you to attend to -refreshments for to-morrow. Please prepare following lightweight foods -for them: - -5 doz. devilish ham samditches. - -5 doz. nutty samditches confused with cheeze. - -5 doz. letus samditches containing salad. - -12 qts. chocolate drunk. - -A large chorus of cakes, McAroons, candies & other meatsweets in -confusion.” - -I done what she said, Mr. Editor. You cannot imagine with all your -printer’s ink how I enslaved myself preparing them samditches for her -festival. All morning of Wednesday I stood gashing bread with knives -till I manufactured so much of that lay-between food that it stood -in bulk. Piles of devilish ham samditches stood around near heaps of -nutty cheeze samditches, resembling sky scrapers looking at Washington -Monuments with jealous expression. - -All that A. M. Hon. Mrs. Calicutt rosh everywhere doing something to -furniture & draping smilax buds from pictures to resemble greenery. At -lunching hour she appear very disjointed and say, “Aunts of Columbus -Society holds annual social this P. M. at Methodist Church. Maybe I -shall not be able to catch many folks from this.” Sadness stood in her -voice. - -Hon. Clarence Calicutt, husband to her, retire homeward by 3:11 train -and report, “What could be more nuisansical for business man than pink -tea?” - -At 4:10 P. M. all was prepare. Cousin Florence arrive for pore tea. -Mrs. Clarence Calicutt set in central middle of room making her clothes -look very social. Hon. Clarence Calicutt wear frockaway coat and -require, “Can I smoke?” whenever spoken to. Cousin Florence crouch -behind tea-earn with expectful expression peculiar to sailors before -battle. But nothing arrived yet. - -At 4:59 come jing-jing to door bell. Mrs. Calicutt arrange her smile, -Cousin Florence set upright, & Hon. Clarence go to window where he -attempt to look neglectful. - -I elope to door with desirable expression peculiar to butlers. With -noble position of heels and elbows I ope door. What see? There stood -one (1) Armenian peddle-man offering $2 tablecloths for $3.57. I -enclose Hon. Door befront of his face. - -“This are most excited afternoon of my career,” depress Hon. Calicutt, -smoking cigars out of window so as not to fumigate curtains. - -Mrs. Calicutt make several petrified replies. - -At hour of 5:68 P. M. Rev. Mr. Horse W. Dill come in. He never could -afford to miss repasts anywheres because of his shrinking salary. - -“All world seem to be at Aunts of Columbus reception this afternoon,” -he say for diplomacy. - -“I notice it,” dib Hon. Mrs. “I just remain home merely by accident -to-day & so glad you come.” - -I offer him 86 samditches. He ate 13 and 1 qrt. chocolate. He depart at -7:46 filled with delicious refreshment. After that Hon. Clarence, Mrs. -Clarence, and Cousin Florence draw near together & gaze morbidly at -them samditches piled in towers. - -For week latter, evening dinner at home of Calicutt contained following -programme: - - -SOUP - -Didn’t have none. - - -ENTREE - -Chocolate. Samditches containing cheeze. - - -ROAST - -Devilish ham samditches. Nutty samditches. - - -SALAD - -Letus samditches. - - -DESERT - -McAroons, cakes, more chocolate, & whatever else. - - -Hon. Mrs. Calicutt and Cousin Florence ate this table of contents -without complaining voice. Ladies is often thusly--they do not desire -real food when they can be economical. But me & Mr. Calicutt begin to -feel very illegal when we look at them samditches which must be ate. -Frequently Mr. Calicutt telephone home that his board of directors had -appendicitis, therefore he must stay in town for dine. I forgive him -this deception. - -Three weeks pass off. Then come fifth Wednesday when Mrs. Calicutt must -again be at home for friends. - -“Togo,” she pronounce that morning, “I have invite 120 complete persons -and expect to enjoy quite a stampede this P. M. Please multiply your -former programme of samditches by twice.” - -“I shall do so,” I deploy. - -Yet my soul determined to do elsewise. Why must I again clutter that -household with sky-scraping piles of samditches which nobody came -to eat except Rev. Mr. Dill who had merely appetite for 13? No! If -Hon. Mrs. Calicutt was too foolish in her brain to keep from that -extravagance, then I should save her from it. I should merely make -13 samditches and 1 qrt. chocolate, sifficient for Hon. Dill. Yet I -should make my Boss Lady think I was preparing great quantities. This -deceptiveness require great heroism. - -“Togo,” say her, coming to kitchen in early P. M., “Are bread & -devilish ham and letus and marionaise dressing and chocolate all ready -to be executed in vast quantities?” - -“They are faithfully prepared,” I pronounce with talented dishonesty. - -“120 guests often feel very edible, so do it plenty,” she acknowledge, -eloping away. - -At 3 o’clock I manufacture 13 samditches and 1 qrt. chocolate. That was -all we could afford to give Mr. Dill. - -“Where are refreshments, please?” requesh Mrs. Calicutt when 4 P. M. -was there. - -“I keep them cooly concealed in dark place where staleness will not -arrive to them,” I report, looking sly like roosters. She too busy -preparing smilax buds to know how much money I saved her by not -manufacturing food for guests who wouldn’t come. - -At 4:63 P. M. I notice something which make my eyes alarmed. With -tense puffing honk-music and wheel-rumble, 47 ottomobiles, buggies, -motorcycles, & go-carts arrive up to house all together like sheep. -They hitch up by front gate. Why was they came? O look see!! 118 -complete persons of every imaginable age & sect got out and make -jing-jing to door bell. - -One horble thought roshed to my ears. All them folks was coming -expecting to eat Rev. Dills’ 13 samditches and 1 qrt. chocolate! I -was blame for my economy. What must I do? My heart turned pale while -hysteria filled my elbows. Already I could hear glad-you-came sound by -Mrs. Calicutt while that hungry mobb make rosh through parlour room -amidst disagreeable laughter. - -Swish-swish! It was Mrs. Calicutt’s silk footsteps coming. - -“Togo,” she whisper with stage-voice, introducing her head at kitchen, -“where is immediate food for 120 persons?” - -“Here, please,” I report with quaker knees, poking forth them 13 -samditches on plate. - -Shrieks by her. Deep breathing and 4 sobs. I withdraw myself away from -there before she should make a scenery. I slid myself from back door -softly like cats walking over ice-cycles. - -I felt very sorry for Mrs. Calicutt losing me like that, but when I -reached trolley-road where I got on, I felt less pity. After all, -there was ½ fraction of corned beef and 1 qrt. milk in ice-box, so -them 120 At Homers needs not go entirely destitute from food. Maybe -they would enjoy that, if conversation was sifficiently fascinating. -For what-say famus Japanese philosopher, Oysta-san? He say, “In good -company crusts tastes rich, but in bore company ice-cream seems awful -poor.” - -Hoping you are the same, - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -VIII PETS - - -_To Editor Woman’s Page who do so much to make home-life less homely._ - -Hon. Dear Sir: - -Mrs. Benjoman Barnum of Pyramid Park, Penn, is the latest lady to -turn me loose. Whether she are a relationship to Hon. P. T. Barnum -(deceased) I am not aware enough to say, but she have got a very -menagerie mind. Her home is a tame zoo full of animals. I am sure, if -she had a bigger parlour, she would keep a elephant. - -“Togo,” she report to me when she hired me off the Fineheimer -Employment Bureau, “nothing make home so lively as several Pets.” - -“I notice this,” is bright reply for me. “You are the most pettish lady -I ever worked for.” - -She did not seem to assimilate them words I said, yet they was -truthful. Her home resembled Mr. Noah’s Houseboat in variety of -4-foot, 2-foot & 1-foot beasts it contained. By actual stastistics Mrs. -Barnum possessed the following list of live Pets, which she support -from sweethearted reasons of kindness: - -1 Dog of waggish ways & barking vocabulary. His name was Julius Siezer, -but Neighbours call him “Git Out!” because he dug mines in their flower -beds. I forgot his nationality, but his complexion was Irish; 1 Cat -entitled Florence who earned her food by purring for it. Her feet was -deliciously full of thorns; 1 Parrot called Robt. Burns because his -soul was in his talk; 1 cannary-bird name Dick. He didn’t seem to have -no resemblance to his name; 2 Goldfish Twins, Harry & Carry who spent -their days idly swimming in glass & saying nothing. - -Mrs. Barnum formerly had one husband who went dead. I congratulate him. - -When all those Pets is going at once, dog-bark, cat-mew, parrot-shriek -and cannary-bird warbul, it sound like a brass band composed of -dish-pans & steam whistles. - -“I love my dum friends,” explan Mrs. Barnum to me with kind-eye -expression. - -“I love them most when they are most dum,” I repartee, suppressing -my ears from those scrambled sounds. “If you could teach those -goldy-fishes to sing, the harmonium would be complete.” - -While I said thus that dog Siezer approach up and bit me on leg. - -“He do this in fun,” say Mrs. Barnum. - -“So glad to hear!” I negotiate. “Dogs never hurts so much when they -bite humorously.” - -“If you wish for to be employed in this home you must be keeper as well -as housekeeper,” she tell off. “Promptly at noon o’clock each day the -annimals must be fed. Each have his peculiaristic diet, which he crave -for health. Siezer must have bone, Florence require cream, Robt. Burns -expect apple, Dick ask for seed, while Harry & Carry demand fishfood. I -should rather see anything than that my Pets go hungry.” - -I assimulate her words and do what best I can. It require tack and -courage to chaperone those Pets. They are all cannibles by appetite -and would love to eat each other for their food qualities. When Hon. -Seizer, the dog, are unloosed from his mesh he start forthly with -waggish expression of tail and attemp to gobble Hon. Florence, the cat. -This delusive mammal are too speedful for that dog, so she elope with -hissy noise to mantel-piece where she set growelling with enlarged -fur. When Hon. Siezer are absent attending other duties, Hon. Florence -set hour by hour gazing upward at Hon. Dick, the cannary-bird, and -wishing she had a baloon to obtain him with. When I approach this -talented cat she make purr-song and slide around my ankles, requesting -that I should give her Dick for lunch. I must refuse, out of politeness -for Dick. Sometime Hon. Florence prefer fish. Then she walk up -wallpaper like a fly and thusly arrive to shelf where Harry & Carry are -swimming selfishly around in their toy ocean. - -Hon. Robt. Burns, the parrot, are less particular. He like any sort -of food, as long as it are alive. One day he observe me and say with -tender squawk, “O darling, come, come to your own sailor boy!” I come. -When I approach sifficiently close, Oh, nipp! Hon. Parrot remove off -¼ from my ear and set there looking satisfied. I sorrow to think he -could talk so tender, yet act so tough! - -Last Thursday A. M. Mrs. Barnum approach to me. She did not know it was -my last day with her. Neither did I. Life is so surprised! - -“Togo,” she instruct, “I am going over to Aunt Jane’s to set by a sick -bedside.” - -“Are Aunt Jane diseased?” I require. - -“No. It are her cat what has influenza of the diagram,” she tell. “I -shall be gone 1 hour time. Remember, while I are away my pets must be -fed. Do not neglect this. I would rather anything than that they should -go hungry.” - -I give her my promissory word. - -As soonly as she had went I begin task of furnishing bill-of-fare for -her zoo. To Siezer I give bone, to Florence cream. They accept this -without thanks. Then I donate one apple to Hon. Robt. Burns who sung, -“Every morn I bring thee violets” and attemp to chew off thumb from me. -Everything was affectionate as usual. - -Nextly I go to shelf where Harry & Carry are bathing in glass. I took -them to table where I irrigated them with fresh water. I was just -feeding them slight lunch of delicious bait when----SCRASH!!! - -From next room I heard Hon. Robt. Burns say distinctly, “If you love -me, darling, tell me with your eyes!” So I knew he was doing some sort -of murder. - -I rosh in. Oh!! what sight I seen. That parrot-fowell had escaped away -from his roost and lept upward to goldy cage where Hon. Dick was making -opera with voice. With talented grabb that conversational chicken had -shipwrecked Hon. Cage and deposited Hon. Dick-bird to floor. When I -met Hon. Parrot he was hen-picking that talented songster. I attemp to -arrest him for his brutality, but he attach my finger with his eagle -mouth. I was removing him from this when, SCRUNSH!!! - -Loud crashy of glass from next room. I rosh forwards. I was just in -time to be too late. Hon. Florence had pushed glassy residence of Hon. -Goldfishes to floor and was dieting on those gilt swimmers. She look -thankful while she make gollup of Harry. She also ate Carry ½, but when -I remove remainder from her she make reproachful growell and snagg me -with thorny foot. I attempt to restore Hon. Carry who was fainted away, -when--BOW WOWS!!! - -Hon. Siezer approach to scene determined to obtain food supply from -that cat. Hon. Florence rosh up curtains with angry sizz peculiar to -sky-rockets when she seen that dogged approach. Hon. Dog smile up at -Hon. Cat and Hon. Cat smile down at Hon. Dog. - -While thusly they stood Hon. Dick awoke up from where he lay and limped -forth on shabby wings. He give 3 and ½ sorry peeps and flitter to -fireplace where he flew up flue. - -Just at that instantaneous moment Hon. Robt. Burns arrive in with -rawcuss yellup, and hooked his feet to chandelier where he hung -suspended downside-up like a umberella. Dog & Cat continue to gaz up & -down at each other like Romeo & Juliet. - -“Should old acquaintance be forgot?” require Hon. Parrot, twirling his -head 3 times in circular manner. - -I had no time to reply to this inquisitiveness. It were nearly time for -Mrs. Barnum to return homeward and I was full of timid fright for fear -she might notice how badly her Pets was mixed among themselves. I did -not feel sifficient to meet her angry rage. - -So I handed my resignation to myself. - -On hasty piece of paper I wrote: - - - Esteamed Mrs. Madam:--when nextly you see Togo he will be gone. - So will your golden-fish & cannary-bird. But I will not be gone - where they are, because your Pets do not crave me for food. I are - not sensitive about this neglect. When you left me this morning - you say so that you thought their appetites was failing. I could - not dishcover that dangerous symptom. All they need was change of - food. If ever you find them refusing eat in the future, do what - I done--turn them loose on each other. If you wish to find Harry - & Carry, search Miss Florence. If you can not dishcover Miss - Florence when you get back, search Mr. Siezer. I am sorry to go, - but glad I went. - - -I attach this information secretively to door-handle. From inside of -house I could hear Hon. Siezer making coon-tree noises responded to by -war-cry voice of Miss Florence. From top-tip of chandelier Hon. Robt. -Burns was reporting peevly, “Fare-bye, for I must leave thee! One -parting kiss--ar, ar, ar!!” - -I sneek silently away on velvet feetsteps, feeling like one Spartan boy -who done his duty by escaping from it. - -Hoping you are the same, - Yours truly, - _Hashimura Togo_. - - - - -IX WASHING WINDOWS - - -_To Editor Woman’s Page whose mind is glass which shoots daylight into -Subjects._ - -Dear Sir:-- - -Until quite recently of yore I remained in the suburbs of Pennsylvania -at home of Mrs Nero Fits Gibb, where I stayed as long as I did. - -It was because of windows that I was exploded off from that lovely -situation of employment. Next job of work I shall hitch myself to some -house which do not contain any of those glass encumbents. - -I tell you this narrative. - -That Hon. Mrs Fits Gibb reside in one large mahogany house containing -sifficient windows to see everything through. Bay windows occur at -moments when least expected; skylights peep from roof with expression -peculiar to pair of spectacles. That house has got windows all over -its face from its chin to its forehead, and every door are confused by -glass stained brightly to resemble colours. - -“Togo,” explan Hon. Mrs to me, “I are very fond of fresh daylight.” - -“You have caged nearly all there is,” I corrode for politeness while -gazing at 13 doz. windows surrounding. - -“When doing nothing,” she explan, “it shall be your duty to wash them -windows with careful soap. This will make them more light.” - -“I am hired for light work,” I suggest. “What are most scientific way -to bathe these glass eyes of your home?” - -“Most artistic window-wash can be obtained with a ladder and a bucket,” -she deploy. “Also rags must be used including soap and gymnastics. -Take these materials to window requiring cleanliness and rub until -exhausted. Continue this massage on next window and therefore on. -Industry must be had. Do not abandon a pain of glass until he shine -with brilliancy resembling genius.” - -So I go do what she say. I got ladder, I obcured rags, I obtained sudds -bucket according to orders Hon. Mrs Fits Gibb gave me. So farly so -goodly. - -Grasping ladder on my shoulder with military expression I walk around -Hon. House to pick out one window what appear good natured & easy. -More I looked less I could decide. That Hon. House continue to gaze -at me sternly like one octopus with 1000 glass eyes. At lastly I find -one pompus bay window what set over front door presenting swelled -appearance peculiar to Presidents. - -I look thoughtfully upwards and make philosophy by myself. - -“Window-wash are like Success,” I commute. “It are most pleasant to -begin at the top and work downward. Therefore I shall begin by soaping -this important outlook.” - -So I amount up ladder with Hon. Bucket inclosed in my knuckles and -numberous rags embraced by my suspenders. Uply and more uply I march -until I was there looking Hon. Window in the face. So I begin to wash -him. - -Mr Editor, the simplest things in life seems the most simplest when -they are not. Do it not seem easy to your educational brain for a -Japanese Schoolboy to carry sudds up ladder and apply him to window -pain by rubs of rag? And yet such work are full of complex. - -No sooner I begin attacking this job than I dishcover how Hon. Window -Wash must be like a juggle in a circus. To obtain myself on that ladder -I must clasp my toes with carefulness resembling stork, at same time I -must balance Hon. Bucket by elbow, hold Hon. Rags in teeth and splatter -Hon. Window with what fingers I had left. In the meanwhile, what was -Hon. Soap doing? When he got wet his nature changed and he imagined -he was a snake. He would not stay where he was, but amuse himself by -slipping off from everywheres I put him. Every time he fall, I must -dutifully ascend down that ladder, pick him from grass, carefully -descend upwards again and attempt to hang him somewheres where he would -not make an eel of himself. I never seen soap so full of slyness. - -And yet I work onwards in spite of him. With delicious accuracy I -threw sudds on Hon. Window till he seem to weep tears. Then I wipe -him elaborously with rag. Yet more I wipe, less beautiful he appear. -Greyness cover him with streaks. More rubbs. Stripes of smudge confuse -that glass. More lather I put on. Yet Hon. Window continue to look dull -& bilious. I massage him up and down with greased elbow until it was -nearly sunset of p. m. O discouraged! If diamonds is so hard to polish, -I are not surprised that nobody but policemen can afford such jewelery. - - -Pretty soonly I could hear voice of Hon. Mrs saluting me crossly from -below down. - -“Togo,” she report, “you have been 2 hours in labour of work. How many -windows have you bathed completely?” - -“Nearly one,” I corrode boastfully. - -“If it take you 2 hours to wash nearly one window, how long would it -take you to cleansify 211 glass pains in this house?” This arithmatic -from her. - -“422 hours,” I reject brightly. “If you will loaned me paper & pencill, -I shall be happy to estimate how many weeks that makes.” - -“Xmas will arrive before then,” she agnosticate with bang of door. - -I could not understood her repartee. Maybe she intend to give me Xmas -present. - -When fatigue was too plenty for more exercise I stand on climax of that -ladder holding sudds bucket in thoughtful position. Great thoughts -can be obtained in such high altitudes, thusly perched with excelsior -feeling of brain. Leaning against glass forehead of that bay window I -could observe Nature acting as usual amidst houses where residences -was. Walking amongst those houses I could observe bill collectors, -insurance agents and neighbours--which show that Trouble come wherever -folks resides. “Life are similar to such scenery,” I say for smart -quotation. - -While thusly I argued, some ottomobile wheels could be heard walking -below in front of house. I look downly and observe very fashionable -appearance of society--one bloated gas-machinery stopping up near feet -of ladder while one complete lady enwrapped in Arctic mouse-skins fur -sat there talking Waldorf language to a chauffer of military pattern. I -could tell she was 400 by actual count. - -“Hennery,” she say to Hon. Chauffer, “ring door and pronounce that Mrs. -Diggle Clodd have arrived for slight calling visit on Mrs. Fits Gibb.” - -“I do so!” This from Hon. Hennery. - -While Hon. Hennery was making rings by door, I lean from ladder and -observe the elegance of that financial lady as she flopped amidst -coloured padding and showed the splandid millinary of her hat. - -Great excitement by me. She were not beautiful as ladies go--and some -ladies goes considerable. Her hair was red like a blushing brick and -her face seem too wealthy to agree with anybody. Yet I was enraptured -to be standing above so much money. - -I perch on ladder to imitate birds. Pretty soonly Hon. Hennery, -containing expensive boots, report back. - -“Hon. Mrs. Gibbs are here where she is,” he acknowledge while opening -ottomobile door so Hon. Lady could alight down richly. Queens act -thusly when getting out of ships. I could observe the fluttering -ostriches on top of her millinary head. How expensive to estimate! - -When she was snuggling forth in direction of front door, I must lean -very crooked backwards for see what was. I could not tell how it -happen, but when leastly expected--O knock! Hon. Soap slyly slip forth -from window-sill where he was setting and flop to hat of Mrs. Diggle -Clodd!!! Great mixture of plumage ensued while feathers drop with -confusion resembling 2 roosters fighting in a cyclone. - -“Oh Hennery! Look upwards and see what!” she shreech. - -Hennery do so, and while thusly he gazed my elbow disjoint himself -and O swash!!! That suds bucket flop forwards & spill 2 complete gals -soap-water on top of his elegance. - -He show bitter expression peculiar to persons standing under Niagara. - -“Who do it?” holla Hon. Hennery & Hon. Mrs. - -“I no do it!” were lawyer reply for me. “Hon. Bucket must be guilty.” - -“Are you not manager for that bucket?” require Hon. Hennery. - -“How could I tell when he is going to shoot?” I narrate. - -“Hennery!!” she gubble, “elope up ladder and pluck that impertinence -down!” - -Mr. Editor, I are a tame Japanese, yet when I observe gentleman in -uniform descending up ladder with warfare expression, all the Port -Arthur of my nationality come out. - -“Hara kiri!” I acknowledge to Hon. Chauffer while shooting remnants of -sudds-water straight at his profile. He look very bathhouse--yet he -still continue to approach. - -“When I obtain you--” he pronounce, making a grab to heel. - -“When you get me I shall be elsewhere,” I defy. Thusly speaking I leap -into the face of that bay window and arrive inside of bedroom with -loudy crashes. Somebody below-stairs yell, “Burglar!”--but I knew I -could not be a burglar and be so noisy. Hon. Hennery continue to -approach up ladder. In anxious escape I jump over 11 chairs, 2½ beds -with numerous etcetera. - -In a soon moment I could observe wet headware of Hon. Hennery -encroaching through window where he enter with rebound. I make talented -dodge to hallway where I bang door & lock him, thus encircling Hon. -Chauffer with his wrath. - -Below downstairs I could hear Hon. Mrs Clodd talking mustard to Hon. -Mrs Gibb. I could hear angry voices walking upstairs. - -If I lost any time I must do so quickly. I trot backwards down hall. -From window in rearward bedroom I seen one porch-escape from which I -flew like aeroplanes. I make down shoot to ground while Hon. Mrs. holla -from window. - -“Togo,” she yall, “you are requested never to look into my house again!” - -“Those residing in a houseful of windows should look out for -themselves,” I nudge back walking away in sections. - -Hoping you are the same, yours truly, - _Hashimura Togo._ - - - - -X PAPER-HANGING - - -_To Editor Home & Ladies Page who realise how wallpaper are like -friendship: sometime he stick right, and sometime he don’t._ - -Dear Mr: - -Mrs Bertha Mac Frenzie, a very medium lady residing in Boston, Conn., -dis-employed me recently from happy home. I was very satisfactory help -to her until following anecdote happen to me. - -Mrs Mac Frenzie’s only extravagance are her stingyness. Careful in -most everything, she become extra reckless when attempting to save 9c. -Her thoughts are filled with skimmed milk & slaughterhouse steak. I am -suprised Hon. U. S. Government do not hire her to saw off High Cost of -Living before he start to grow any taller. I know because I seen it. - -“Togo,” she require of me, “too much wealth is lavished in that soup -you make. He is too thick.” - -“If he become thinner he will faint away,” I warn out. - -“Soup will stand considerable starvation and yet seem hearty,” she -deploy. So I do so. - -Last Wedsday she approach up to me with arms full of roll-up material. - -“I have dishcovered now so I can save 9$!” she deploy with glee-club -voice. - -“Such saving may involve great expense,” I corrode brightly. - -She neglect my chivalry. - -“I am determined to paper bedroom of upstairs,” she rake off. “This -shall be done by home-made labour. These wallpapers what I got only -cost 10c. per roll, thusly saving 1$. Experienced paper hangmen require -4$ per day. It take 2 such to paste a room properly. I shall employ you -for nothing to do this valuable task, thusly saving 8$. Therefore, I -save 1$ + 8$ = 9$.” - -“What clever stingyness you think up!” I oblate. No response from her. - -She led me upwards to bedroom where that job must be. - -“Have you any knowledge of paper-hanging?” she ask it. - -“I never before attended such a lynching,” was answer I make. - -“I show you how is,” she reciprocate. So she lay down following tools -on floor where I could see: - - - 12 bundles wallpaper of blue complexions tattooed with beauty - resembling cauliflowers flirting with grapes. - - 1 complete bucket filled with undigested dough to make it stick by. - - Confused rags to pat with. - - 1 ironing board to stick paper on top of. - - 1 ladder to lift paper on when hanging him. - - 1 shears for cut up paper by. - - -“Firstly,” correspond Hon. Mrs with shears, “you must take Hon. Paper -thusly and manicure edges.” - -She make cut-up with shears for show how. - -“Nextly you must measure wall with very careful tailorship, so Hon. -Paper will fit neatly like a coat.” - -I observe her did it. - -“Nextly make chop off to Hon. Paper at place where he fits. Then lay -him on ironing-board and lather his back completely with dough from -Hon. Bucket.” - -By brush she do so. - -“Next Hon. Paper are ready to be lynched. Raise him tenderly by both -ears while climbing ladder and spread him on wall with smoothness -resembling butter. If he refuse to lay still, pat him lovingly with -rags.” - -She teach me that science while I stand gast to observe her skilful -thumbs. - -“Can you do this jobs?” she require to know. - -“Elaborately,” I confiscate. - -And yet I were not aware that paperhanging are like poetry, marriage, -and other games--deliciously easy to look at, but less easy to do. - -So Hon. Mrs Mac Frenzie depart away for make society elsewheres and I -was left alonesome with that paper. Firstly I look at him long time -admiring the extreme art of his complexion. I could not realise how so -many grapes and cauliflowers could get together without being confused. -Admiration by me! - -Then I start some industry. Firstly I cut sifficient chunk of this -flowery decoration so he will fit wall. This were aggrevated task -to do, because when I unroll him to make measure, he roll back with -rat-trap expression and burst my thumbs. I can only make him behave by -putting my feet on him while holding him down to ironing board. Pretty -soonly, by extreme skill of swashing, I manage to plaster his back -with dough like Mrs Mac Frenzie told me. - -Mr Editor, to lubricate wallpaper with paste are difficult art like -greasing snakes with cold cream. There are so much longness to him that -he can do one thing with front end, while accomplishing otherwise with -tail. So it was. Onwards & onwards I continue to paste Hon. Wall Paper -while he uncoil to any extent. Pretty soonly front end of him were -drooping to carpet, and yet I continue to brush his back. - -At lastly he were entirely moist and ready to be lynched. With -delicious politeness I pick him up by corners and start to descend up -ladder with brave expression of fireman saving actresses. But when I -was nearly upward I discover one sad event. Lower end of Hon. Paper -refuse to be elevated. For what reason? For reason because he had -pasted himself to carpet and clung there with stupidity resembling cats. - -“I must domineer this wallpaper with my personality,” I say to self. So -I lift both elbows strongly in attempting to jerk him from carpet. With -expression of helpless peev peculiar to angle-worms he tore in two. -½ of his flowery egotism drop stickfully to carpet. Other ½ remain -affectionately clinging to my lower legs where he remain, however much -I beg him to desist off. - -Wallpaper, Mr Editor, resemble some female Ladies, beautiful in their -complexions, but very sidewise when least expected. - -So on that ladder stood me & Hon. Wall Paper clinging together like -Romeo & Juliet, but not mentioning love poems. The more I loosened, the -more he tightened. By time I was able to disjoint him from my legs, he -had fell affectionately on my chest where he make behaviour peculiar -to postage stamps. Yet I did not enrage. Diplomacy frequently succeeds -where boxing gloves are footless. So I decide to conquer Hon. Wall -Paper by kindness. Gently, almost shyly I ripped him from my chest at -same moment so arranging my wrists that I could detach him away from my -legs. Oh joyful! Soonly he were divorced from me and swinging entirely -free where I hold him aloftward by his ears. This were fine moment to -paste him suddenly before he understood what I was doing. - -So I make quick jump at wall with determined elbows. But Hon. Paper -were more sudden than me. Before I could think he looped himself -sidewise and became stuck on himself. - -This make curious perdiclement. Try as I should to pry him apart, he -become more and more absorbed in his personality. By this time his blue -complexion were so confused by finger-prints that he look entirely -Bertillon. It would require mathematics to tell which was right side of -him and which wrong. - -Then I decide to kill him at once and try another. So I clump him up in -wad resembling laundry and cast him outward by window. - -This were cruel thing to do, but there are some things which look best -when you can’t see them. - -Next piece paper I try were less backward. He stand very tame & quiet -while I measure him. He sat still and wagg his tail while I paste him -by brush. I love very much to think how polite he act. Pretty soonly he -were ready to be hung, so I elope up ladder filled with happy thoughts -to think how happy Mrs Mac Frenzie would get when she seen her wall so -broke out with buds. With art expression peculiar to Michael Angelo I -upraise Hon. Wall Paper aboveward. He lay still and quiet like eggs. -Adjusting my thumbs I was entirely ready to paste him when--O pounce! - -Oozing damp glue from his annointed back he suddenly fall on my head -and surround me where I stood on that ladder. - -It were like riding an airship while being buried in a tent full of -mucilage. It were like sleeping between sheets of fly-paper. - -I were in a very perdiculous position. Must I leap from ladder, thusly -bursting neck so far from Japan? Or must I stood there and be gradually -smothered up in mural decorations? - -I could feel sticky substance drooping from my hair & eyebrows. I stood -on my perch like a blind bird. - -“What this?” I could see a voice beside me saying so. It were Mrs Mac -Frenzie, I could told by the claws in her speech. - -“Gug!” I response with all the language I could. I knew she was -observing my wallpaper face. - -“Come down at oncely!” she holla. I obey by tittering backwards from -my perch and walking on air which had a hole in it thus permitting -me to fall 12 feet to central room where most of the furniture was, -including Hon. Paste Bucket which got confused in everything else -including me. - -When I pick myself uply from that rumpus, my head was intruding from -wallpaper hood like a fanciful millinary. - -Hon. Floor were covered by paste, paper, and relics of where I fell. - -“You done nice job!” snarred Hon. Mrs who stood in midst. - -“I shall do better next place,” I recover. - -“You have papered everything in the room except the wall,” she dib -sarcastly. - -“I are going to paper that next,” are answer for me. - -“There shall never not be no Next!” she squabble, while poking me -forthly into frostbite of street. - -There I stood in coldness without any other overcoat except wall paper -I wore. - -So I slushed saddishly to trolley remembering words of Hon. Mild -Standish. “If you want a thing done wrong, do it yourself!” - -Hoping you do so, Yours truly, - _Hashimura Togo_. - - - - -XI HON. GLADYS OBTAIN MATRIMONY - - -_To Editor Woman’s Page, who do so much to make family life less -lonesome._ - -Dear Mr Sir:-- - -Home of Hon. Samule Scott, East Orange, N. J., is one of the nicest -homes from which I ever was discharged from. When I first went there to -work that family contained following list of persons: - - - Mrs Scott - Mr ” - Miss ” (retired). - - -This Miss Scott were young lady of 20 years complete beauty. O such -smiling hair & blond eyes! How well her complexion matched her costume! -Before her marriage her name was Gladys, but I are not sure what she -is called now, as each American girl must change her name when she get -married. This is very confusing custom to Japanese boy. I was working -for that Scott family when that Hon. Gladys obtained matrimony. I -never seen an American wedding before. Now I realise why so many people -in these U. S. object to being married more than once. - -Hon. Scott, who has been a father to Gladys all her life, arrived up to -me last Tuesday P. M. and say fidgetfully, - -“Togo,” he say, “there will be a wedding in this house next Satday & -I wish you would be as stylish as possible in passing food. You must -appear fashionable in every way, because it are customary on such -occasions to look more wealthy than you are.” - -“Are you going to be married again, Hon. Sir?” I ask with chivalry. - -“Not if I could avoid it!” he say peevly. “It is my daughter Gladys who -I shall give away.” - -“To who will you donate this charming lady?” I ask out. - -“Hon. Charlie Sweetberry will be the blushing bridebroom,” he -pronounce. “You remember Charlie who arrive here more & more frequently -bearing flowers?” - -“Distinctually,” I report. “He came with rose-bud tokens so frequently -I thought that he was a florist.” - -“We intend to make this wedding so joyful that we are all quite -miserable preparing for it,” he describe. “The event will be shot off -at high noon.” - -“Are noon on a wedding day any higher than any other noon?” I require -for information. - -“If you paid the bills you would think so!” he explode glubly & walk in -an offward direction. - -Mr Editor, you would be surprised to see how much burden that wedding -was to Hon. Express Co. who brought the packages! For several entire -days bundles arrove in large quantities of freight. Street in front -of that house was headquarters for delivery wagons. Messengers came -continually bringing Merry Christmas parcels enwrapped in paper. Hon. -Samule Scott, assisted by me & family, would spend long-time each day -disenwrapping those parcels and gossiping about what came. Excitement. -Out would drop some golden fork or swollen pitcher marked “Happy -Returns.” - -“Why should these be labelled ‘Happy Returns’?” I negotiate. - -“Because,” pronounce Hon. Samule with depressed eyebrows, “they are all -returns of wedding presents we sent other folks.” - -I stand gast at this phenomenal. - -Each day for 14 complete hours that hansom Scottish home stood full of -dressmakers, vacuum cleaners, dentists, milliners, reporters and other -necessities of life. Hon. Samule Scott walk around looking tense like a -financial crisis. Mrs. Scott were always busy. When not engaged in any -other housekeeping she set down and wept some tears. - -“Why you wept, Hon. Lady?” I ask to know. - -“I am preparing for the wedding,” she say back. “No wedding can look -fashionable without a few weeps.” - -Each morning Hon. Gladys Scott stand up with dressmaker and report with -angry rage of girlish soprano, “You make me so nervus that screaming -would seem pleasant!” Yet a few moments later she meet Hon. Chas -Sweetberry in parlour & report with kitten words, “O Chas, I am so -happy!” - -My brain feel cross-eyed to hear this duplex conversation. - -Friday night Hon. Tortoni, Italian caterman, back-up horse to front -lawn and dump forth sifficient camp-chairs to furnish 1 complete -picnic. Hon. Chas Sweetberry & 1 clergy man come later. They meet that -Scott family, including Hon. Gladys, in parlour where they lock door -and say a long ceremony, walking around & giving away several times. - -When Hon. Sweetberry come outside to smoke cigaret, I say to him with -banzai in my voice, - -“Congratulations, Mr Sir!” - -“For what?” he dib. - -“For your marriage which just took place,” I encroach. - -“That wasn’t marriage,” he snork. “We was just practising.” - -I was confused. - - * * * * * - -Great date of wedding was finally there. All furniture in Hon. Parlour -was fixed like pews, so all could take set-down. Mrs Scott wep some -more when she seen the chairs in tiers. All that home was dressed with -greenish smilax like a beautiful salad. Hon. Bridebroom arrive with -silk-pipe hat over his headache. Five or six best men emerge at front -door wearing Floridora clothing. Bridal-maidens came in quantities -looking like they wondered who would be next. Humouristical college -friends walk up carrying footware, rice & other groceries. Several -hack-loads of relatives was wheeled to door. - -Silence. - -A clergy man encroach at side door with Rev Mr. expression. - -All was prepare. Yet something was not. Hon. Samule Scott rosh up to me -with quiet craze. - -“Togo,” he whasper, “where are Chas, the bridebroom?” - -“I seen him in aunty-room off library quarrelling with his necktie,” I -report. - -Surely yes! He was there in aunty-room trying to correct the nervus -behaviour of his collar button. - -“This is the happiest day of my life,” report Hon. Chas when -dishcovered, “How my shoes hurt me!” - -More silence. - -All that audience now set in parlour expectfully. Humouristical college -friends pass rice-package amidst eyewinks peculiar to comedians. -Several relatives appear quite affectionate. - -Music emerj from piano. Hon. Bridebroom with serene collar now pop -forth and stand amid flowers at end of room. 2x2 now come Bridlemaidens -expensively trimmed. Hon. Bride, artistically enwrapped in original -Irish curtains, nextly step forth supporting her Father, who need this -attention because of his quaker knees. - -“You are what you say you are?” require Hon. Clergy to Bride & Broom -who now stand close by. - -They agree to this. - -“Has somebody here an objection to this gentleman?” ask Hon. Preach to -audience. - -Everybody seem careless about replying. I was going to say how I -thought he was too easily peeved about his neckties, but Hon. Preach -neglected to wait. - -When Hon. Preach explain to Bride how she must take that man for worse -& more of it, she seem to feel no alarm. He warned her about several -things which I could not hear. Still she was determined to be married. -So Hon. Bridebroom, who seem too entranced to remember, borrow a ring -from Best Man and Miss Scott became a Mrs. - -Wildly onrush of friends now ensued. Kissing heard everwheres amidst -sobs & other joy. Most elderly gentlemans was most dutiful about -kissing Bride. - -“No one shall be permitted this salute except relatives!” holla Hon. -Bridebroom appearing slightly frantic. - -“Then _we_ must be included,” report 16 humouristic college friends. -“We are fraternity brothers to you.” They approach with happy mob. - -Nextly come wedding brekfast. This was the most latest brekfast I ever -passed food for. Also it was so innapropriate for brekfast, because -wine was served instid of eggs. And the only toast which they ate was -drank amidst speeches. Everytime somebody poke forth harsh word about -Hon. Bridebroom it seem laughing-signal for all. - -“This young man,” report Uncle Henry to Hon. Bride while he rose -upward, “This young man remind me dishagreeably of his Uncle Hiram -which led a wild life and was sent to Congress in his old age. Be -careful or he will do likewise.” - -The blushing Bride seem very calm. It was the Bridebroom who done -nearly all the blushing. - -Pretty soonly the recent Mr & Mrs Sweetberry make quick-change to -railroad clothing and elope together to hack outside. While they was -walking down front steps those 16 humouristic college chums suddenly -give Black Hand signal. - -WHOSH!! - -42 gallons selected rice make cyclone upon hat-plumage of that Mrs -Bride who escape with screem to carriage. - -BOMB!! - -12 complete carpet slippers hit Mr Bridebroom with accurate -target-practice just as he was lifting his legs into that cab. More -feetware mingled with rice arrive in droves and hit Hon. Carriage with -angry strokes. My Samurai soul stood endwise with alarm. I should -prevent this cruelty. - -“O stop!” I holla, roshing forwards. “Why should you attack them young -folks and drive them forth with brutality after what they has went -through? Toss one more rubber boot and I shall rebuke you with my -rages.” - -While thusly I spoke one 2nd handed ballroom slipper stroked my hair -and I walk away feeling absent in my brain. - -Hoping you are the same - Yours truly - _Hashimura Togo_. - - - - -XII FALL CLEANING - - -_To Editor Good Housekeeping Magazine, who realise how collapsed home -life looks when being cleaned._ - -Dear Mr: - -Some folks is so clean they cause considerable untidiness everywheres -they go. Such was Hon. Mrs August Moon of Salem, Mass, who is another -of my bosses gone by. This lady got a house containing mahogany chairs -which was brought over by Hon. Pilgrim Fathers when they was running -ferryboat _Cauliflower_ between Salem and Grand Rapids, Mich. She -revere her furniture and all her other ancestors. Each day she require -me to stroke her mahogany lovingly with furniture polish. - -This Hon. Lady are very superstitious about dirt. She think it are not -clean to have around. She imagine dust, soot & mildew enter her house -like a burgler and Togo must be a policeman to arrest it when it gets -inside. - -“Togo,” she say, while I am enslaving myself amidst dishwater in -kitchen, “I just heard a mouse making footprints in attic. Rosh up with -mop, please, and remove his muddy tracks.” - -I do so. - -“Togo,” she requesh nextly, “six autumn leaves has fell on the -walk befront of the house. Gather them in your apron and burn them -thoroughly in kitchen stove, taking care that no ashes escape.” - -I do so. - -“Togo,” she hypothecate, “I can observe two fly-tracks running over -portrait of my ancestor, Gov. Beelzebub Biggs. Kindly to wash his face -carefully with cast-steel soap and don’t offend his dignitary.” - -This also I accomplish compressing the insurgent feeling that arise -continuously in my elbows. - -“The early bird obtains worms,” she say cheerly when I arise at -4.32 a. m. for scrubb with sudds. - -“At such time as this I prefer sleep to worms,” are smart reply I make. - - -“To-day we shall commence housecleaning,” she report last Fryday a. m. - -“_Commence_ it!” I communicate crossly like Napoleon. “When did we ever -discontinue to houseclean?” - -“Ah ho!” she laugh at. “What you has been doing is merely -lick-and-promise. Housecleaning are different. To houseclean you must -pull down everything that is up and pull up everything that is down. -Home must be carried out into the back yard and throughly swep. All -dust in house must be shoved out onto carpets which are on clothesline; -then all carpets on clothesline must be brutably punished with clubs -until dust fly back into house. And so on until exhausted.” - -I could not disobey such wise demand. So I remove off coat and commence -eloping up & down stair, each time carrying some variety of pianos and -mahogany dresser. My suspenders bulged with gigantic strength while -Hon. Mrs Moon stood near and explained how I was more weak than Irish -labour. - -That house were completely filled with break-a-brack and other -dishes which had been shot full of holes by mean British in Battle -of Revolution which occurred in 1492. There was many plates & cups, -beautiful but very lame. I drop several of these in removal, and they -look more broke than usual. Several of them fell down stairs ahead of -me and arrived with considerable crashes. - -“I estimate my loss at $580 which must be removed from your wages,” Mrs -Moon say-so while she stood mourning over those fractured relicks. - -I reply by saying nothing. - -I rip up carpets with strength peculiar to a giant full of steam. I -throw him on clothesline and trott backwards for more. I bathe Mr -Moon’s painted ancesters with soap-wash till they look nearly handsome. -I polish floors, door, silver & hardwear with continuous rapidity. I -wash stove with sudds and clean 14 pairs gloves with gasolene. - -Then another breakage occur which were too bad. I was smoothing one -snobbish-looking china-closet with rags, when I axidentally broke -him endwise by dropping out of window. Mrs. Moon could not help from -noticing. - -“$19.82 extra subtracted from your wages!” she holla arithmatically. - -No intelligent reply from me. - -Hon. Mrs Moon spend morning in attic opening reverend trunks and -fetching forth quilts & skirts belonging to Pilgrims. These I also pin -to clothes-line. Nextly I brosh wall-paper with whisk and climb to roof -where I save a white cat which had crolled up drain-pipe to suicide -himself. I receive no extra pay for this kindness. While doing thusly -I burst $27 worth of windows and bill was sent to me by Mrs Moon who -holla how much it was. - -I carry 6 tons complete books from cellar to library on 3rd floor. When -I find they no belong there I took them back again. I also transmit -considerable bags containing coal from woodshed to basement where it -look more comfortable. - -Very sorry event occurred when I was washing 48 eggs shell china cups. -Shelf of table upturned and all splatter to floor. Mrs Moon screech and -charge it to my account. - -After that I paint back porch, carry sideboards, croll over all -ceilings of rooms to fish away cobwebs with broom and stuff upholstery -into all lounges what need it. - -Mrs Moon were a very thoughtful woman. She always thought of something -more for me to do with arms and legs. When I was on top-ladder dusting -chandeliers she suddenly remember her mother’s fire-screen she had not -seen since Agnes was married. - -“Go down cellar and open 11 boxes containing trash and see if mother’s -fire-screen ain’t there.” - -I do so. It were not. - -“Nail them up again quickly,” she comment. “Then go to roof and sweep -out chimbley.” - -I elevated myself to loftly position and stood poking smok-tracks from -chimbley. Just then she holla, - -“Come down 1st floor, please, and ade me in removing tables upstairs.” - -I do so wishing I was a bird and could fly up and down with less -feetsteps. - -By that time Hon. Sun were setting and I feel like doing the same. So -I choose soft chair in back yard and soothe myself by flopping to it. -There I reposed amidst rags, rugs, brooms, portraits, paints and other -cleanly dirt. - -“Why you set there so worklessly?” she require, seeing me with eagle -expression. - -“I have moved so much that I am now moveless,” I reply with great -pathos. - -She make her eyes look kind and charity. - -“Maybe you tired!” she collapse with considerable gentleness. - -“Ah no, Mrs Madam,” I contuse chivalrously. “I not tired--I merely -exhausted.” - -“Servants should be cherished as well as masters,” she say -scientifically. “I acknowledge my carelessness. In enthusiasm of -housecleaning I forgot you was as apt to get fatigued as any other -horse. I permit you to feel weary, because you are Japanese and not -strong like a Irish labour. I forgive this fault in you.” - -“O thank you so many for that gentle heart!” I report back, enjoying -slight tear-drop from gratitude. - -“No, Togo, you may rest,” she say. “But while you are resting, would -you please go out to back yard and beat a few Brussels carpets?” - -Excuse me, Mr Editor, for acting so unobliged to a lady. But I could -not do furthermore. My arms walk out on strike when I attempt to make -them work. So I go to kitchen and arrive back with satchel grip and -derby hat. - -“Sweethearted Mrs Madam,” I report, “I realise how my mind is too -lightweight for your serious employment. Therefore I quit. How much -you estimate I owe you for damage, breakage & crackage I done to-day?” - -“1230.50 would cover everything,” she suppose. - -“At my present wage-pay of $5 per weekly,” I snuggest, “I should be -very elderly Japanese before last instalment was pay off. Therefore I -shall not encumber you by waiting so long.” - -“But what shall I do about that bill?” she require nervely. - -“Ah, Mrs Madam, you are honest lady,” I bounce back. “I are sure I can -trust you to keep that bill more better than anybody else.” - -“You done my household considerable injury,” she sum up. - -“I are willing to forgive that also,” I repartee. “Therefore, if you -will present me with 50c out of what I owe you, I shall retreat by -trolley and leave your home safe from me.” - -She contribute 25c from purse, because she say she can’t get no more -change until her husband get back. That gentleman are in Arabia -collecting rugs, so I decide it was too long to wait for 25c. - -When nextly seen I was standing on depot-station in New England R. R. -asking Hon. Ticket Merchant if he would sell me fare to some city -where folks never clean house except when scolded by Brd of Health. - -Hoping you are the same - Yours truly - _Hashimura Togo_. - - - - -XIII APARTMENT HOUSE LIFE IN NEW YORK - - -_To Editor Home & Lady page whose wisdom is furniture for many -apartments._ - -Dear Mr: - -Excuse my handwriting for being cramped this time--I have been living -in one N. Y. apartment-house where everything is squeezed. I tell you. - -A short time of yore I seen following advertisement-news in N. Y. Paper: - - - WANTED: Small-size Japanese required to do housework in - fashionable apartment. Must be able to squeeze deliciously tight - between furniture and to take up no room whatsoever. No fat - persons required. Apply to Mrs. Buckingham Jinx, Matterhorn Apts. - - -I was entirely proud & nervus, Mr Editor, to apply to that jobs. -Formerly I had been simple, jayseed Japanese working in ½ size towns -where nothing was large. But here I was in great city of N. Y. where -everything was giganterous & big. Home-life here, I thought, must be -unlimited like Pennsylvania Depots. - -This show how thoughtless we are when we think. - -I go to address of that Jinx lady, which is at No 333 W 333rd Street, -comfortable neighbourhood where 20 miles of sky-scrape homes are -clumped together attempting to look quaint. I was proud to see their -swollen size. How expansive it was for Japanese Schoolboy to be -employed in city where everything was so big that even small cottages -look like Flatiron Bldgs! Already I begin to feel pity for Peoria where -folks must choke in 2 story houses. - -Pretty soonly I arrive to Matterhorn Apts. How stylishly enormalous -it was! I never observed a place with more upstairs. 12 complete -stories I could count with my sore neck. And so fashionable to go -into! Its frontside entrance was filled with marble halls, fountains, -brassy electricity, golden elevators, noble niggero boys in uniform -of admirals. This was most biggest entrance in America, and I was -certainly sure that folks what live in those apartments upstairs must -enjoy such grand-size rooms they have to ride motorcycles between -parlour and dinning-room. - -While thusly I thought Swedish gentleman in proud overalls arrive up. - -“What you wish, standing there foolishly?” he require. - -“Do you own this palace?” I ask to know. - -“Yes,” he report peevly. “I are the Janitor.” - -“I am suprised by this Matterhorn house,” I explode. “The mountainous -steepness of its apartments apalls me.” - -“The mountainous steepness of its rents would apall you more, if you -seen them,” he explain with insulting eyebrows. - -So he poke me to elevator where I was uplifted to 9 floors. Folks -living in apartment house leads very up-and-down life. When they go -outside they must be elevated downwards, when they return they must be -vice versa. It are impossible to see how folks can be level in such -home life, and yet it is. - -Hon. Mrs Jinx, entirely Duchess appearing lady, meet me at doorway with -Vanderbilt nose. - -“This are my apartment,” she express, pointing to a hallway surrounded -by expensive looking cells filled with gilty furniture, pianolas, -painted portraits, rugs and mahoganish tables resembling J. P. Morgan. - -“Yes,” I report. “This are your apartment--but where is your home?” - -“In N. Y.,” she report with Waldorf expression, “home is where we pay -our rent.” - -Mr Editor, when that lady show me her apartment I was jigged by -surprise. Each room was less than life-size, yet it contain wealth -resembling Buckingham. Mahoganish doors, plush walls, luxury here and -there--but where was there room to live in? - -“This are drawing-room,” she indicate, making points to Pullman-car -compartment containing gas-log and French-speaking furniture. I should -like to set down in such a room, but the chairs was in the way. - -She show me dinning-room. It contain four-plate-power table, portraits -of fish on walls and shelf with several beery steins with German motto, -“Drinken, Dranken, Drunken.” - -“This cozy room are good for small banquets,” she acknowledge. - -“Small banquets is oftenly the most limited,” I encouridge. - -She show me library. - -“This are called the snuggery,” she condole. I felt very congested -to look at it. Folks must snug very snugly to snuggle into such a -snuggery. On high top shelf was following books to show it was a -library: “Pilgrum’s Progress,” “Life of John Drew,” “Bradstreet on -Financial Failures,” “Blue Book of N. Y. Smarty Set.” - -Under table was poker chips to entertain scholars while reading. - -Nextly she show me kitchen. O shocks! It were size like the interior of -a upright piano. Hon. Gas Stove look chilly from setting too close to -Hon. Ice Box which was hot from contax with gas stove. - -“This Kitchen are small but comfortless,” she explain braskly. “It are -slightly compressed, yet there is room for everything to cook with.” - -“One thing to cook with there is no room for,” I snuggest. - -“What should that be?” she require. - -“The cook,” I explain. - -“Smallish Japanese is capable of squeezing,” she fire back. - -Nextly she ope door by Kitchen and show me one dark-complexioned cubby -hole to look at. - -“What a nice vegetable closet!” I report. “But too small, perhaps, for -large cabbages.” - -“That are not a vegetable closet--it are a servant’s bedroom,” she -develop. - -I would be astonished, but there was no room. - - -Sardines gets used to living in cans, Mr Editor; so I soonly became -acquainted with how to live in N. Y. flat without knock-off of elbow. -It were umpossible to turn around in all rooms, but I could get out of -doors by backing up. - -This Mrs Jinx got a husband who are a broker, but not yet broke. He -come home nights long enough to change clothes and take his wife to -some other Roof Garden. For conversation he complain of his debts. - -“Why should we live in flat we can’t afford?” he jowl, reaching across -dinning-room to get a match. - -“Mr Husband!” report Hon. Mrs with spasma, “how could you forget -to remember our position? In this house live 2 families intimately -acquainted with a Trust. Also, look at our main entrance downstairs--it -are a bigger waiting room than the Grand Central Station and twice as -lonesome. This house got the brightest buttons, swiftest elevator and -crosset janitor in New York.” - -Sometime Mrs Jinx have company for dinner. Her dinning-room was -sifficient for 4. Therefore she ask 10. N. Y. folks is conveniently -compressible, especially when fat. Folks wearing diamonds in front -of them would arrive to these dinners and explain why they wasn’t at -Newport. - -“How nicely you are situated here,” they snuggest, looking sidewise. - -“O surely yes!” obligate Hon. Mrs. “We have splandid view of the -airshaft from library window and our dinning-room overlook some of the -finest advertising signs in the city.” - -“So fortunate you are with so much room!” say lady wearing diamond bib -on chest. “In our apartment we are pusitively crowded.” - -No one could believe it. - -“Why do you keep a canary?” ask one gentleman of one lady. - -“Because I have no room for a parrot,” say one lady to one gentleman. - -And so onward. - -My cookery is deliciously abominable, thank you, in that 1-8 size -kitchen. Yet those N. Y. persons is so refined they can disguise any -taste by politeness. - -“You have a chef, I suspect?” require one brokerish gentleman gnawing -my chicken crokets. - -“Two of them,” deceive Mrs Jinx with 5th Ave expression. I arrive to -room looking proud with dishes. “This Togo are my faithful butler -inherited from my grandfather who was a lawyer and kept many retainers.” - -I am alarmed to hear such large conversation in such small space. And -yet I acted very intelligent, considering my stupidity. - - -My life in that compartment become more and more homeless as time -relapsed. Hon. Mrs Jinx were the most stay-away lady I ever seen. She -say she go out to get the air; and I could not blame her. For 2 entire -weeks she was somewheres else all time. In early a. m. after 10 o’clock -she go down town for get hats, manicure & other jewelry. By noon she -telephone, “I shall not be home lunch, because I am too busy wasting -time with Mrs Swatts-Byng.” By night she telephone, “I shall not be -home dinner, because I am taking my Husband to eat at Astoria hotel, -afterwards we shall go see musical-comical theater.” - -Lonesomeness arrived to me as much as that apartment would hold. It -were true I could breathe more with less persons taking up room; yet my -thoughts became all by themselves. I feel like Hon. Robinson Caruso on -a vacant island. - -One early a. m. Hon. Mrs uprose for breakfast early at 11 o’clock. She -approach to me with tear-drop eye. - -“Togo,” she say, “you have been with me 5 entire weeks. Therefore you -can be considered the oldest family servant in N. Y. I shall reward you -with bad news. My Husband has did so much brokerage in Wall Street that -he has broke. Therefore, we shall be more tight compressed than usual.” - -“How could it?” I ask feelishly. - -“We must move to a smaller flat,” she glub. “Will you faithfully follow -us thereto?” - -“Mrs Madam,” I entrench, “I might do faithfully what you say. I might -follow you to smaller flat, but how could I squeeze in when I got -there? Excuse me while I go to Arizona where I can stand with 1000 -miles on each side of me and can turn over in bed without wounding my -elbows on a washstand. Indians does not live so high as New Yorkers, -but they lives much broader.” - -Hon. Mrs explode her voice from my words and attemp’ to imprison my -escape by locking front door. But she could not. With Samurai war-cry -I open umbruella and, attaching myself to handle, I make jump-out from -bedroom window and flew 9 stories like Hon. Glen Curtiss. - -When I arrived to pave-walk Hon. Janitor see me and report, - -“You are broken out with lunacy.” - -Hoping you are the same, - Yours truly, - _Hashimura Togo_. - - - - -XIV CAN AUTOMOBILES BE TAMED FOR HOME USE? - - -_To Editor Home and Lady Page who are so smooth of heart and soft of -mind he can safely introduce gasolene into most explosive families._ - -Dear Hon. Mr!--With delicious rapidity I shot off from my last -situation of work, care Mrs. Seth Hopp, Camden, N. J. This lady admire -my talent so much she appoint me to every task of a disagreeable -nature. In her supply of housework she include one slight, grey -ottomobile of one-lung capacity and asthma of engine. This machinery -are like mosquitos, small but cross. - -Mr. Editor, I have always dreaded to get acquainted with ottomobiles -because they are connected with so many crimes. Yet when I am -employed as Gen. Houseworker in a house where a cook must understand -chauffering, what could I? - -Last Munday a. m. Hon. Mrs. Hopp approach to me with racetrack -expression and corrode, - -“Togo, as soonly as you finish washing dishes, go out to garage and -wash ottomobile. Then take him down to R R depot to meet Mr. Hopp at -5.66 train.” - -“I do not understood your ottomobile,” I abject. - -“Nobody does,” she say cheerly. “Yet I are sure you can become mister -of this difficult wagon, because Japanese are extra bright little -people.” - -I thank her with bent stomach. And yet calm nervousness straddled my -heart. - -As soonly as I had finished bathing dishes, Hon. Mrs. lead me forthly -to gas-stable where that iron animal stood amidst awful perfumery. I -was shocked to observe the cruel expression of lamps with which he -gazed at me. - -“He are simple and good natured when you know his habits,” she explain. - -“This truth are also true of vampires,” I dib for frights. - -“Your duty must be to dust him night and morning, manicure his -carborette and train him to obey. When you learn to control him, it -shall be your duty to drive Hon. Mr. Hopp back & forthly. I show you -how to learn.” - -Hon. Mrs go to home & put on racetrack hat peculiar to motor. Then she -teach me free lesson. - -Firstly she go to front nose of Hon. Ottomobile and twist crank -resembling ice-cream freezer. Mad trembly arrive from his insides! - -“Now he are ready to do anything,” collapse Hon. Mrs dragging me to -seat besides her. I set here holding on to my soul. - -“Observe my antics if possible,” she commit with extreme dexterity of -thumbs, heels, hands & elbows while she poke 6 buttons, jerk 1 doz -handles, inflame electricity and make goose-cry by horn. - -I sat gast to see her. WHOOSH!! We commence onward. - -“That are way to start ottomobile,” holla Mrs Seth Hopp while avoiding -death on road & wheeling corners with aviator expression. - -“It are easy like astronomy,” I rejoint, holding on to my hair to keep -him from blowing off. And so forth. - -At R. R. station we stop up and load on Hon. Mr. Hopp, one large, -portable man of important fat. - -“Togo are learning to chaff this car so he can drag you back & forth,” -decry Hon. Mrs. - -“He do not look very powerful,” contuse him cattishly. - -How could he realise? - - -Mr. Editor, driving ottomobiles are a warlike work unsuited to Gen. -Housekeeping. How can I do hired girl tasks, yet expect myself to -command those harsh cranks and greasy energy what makes gasolene go? To -make a chauffeur out of a cook are like making bullets out of buscuits. -It could be done, but can it? - -Yet this Mrs. Seth Hopp, Hon. Lady of extreme brain, was determined -I should be a chum to her car, although I were sure he did not like -my looks. Each morning for ½-hour time she give me lesson in how -to start ottomobiles. I learn this with all the fido qualities of my -Japanese religion. Yet something told me different. - -“This horsepower are full of mules,” I tell her one day while I set -there pulling 13 handles expecting Hon. Car to go when he would not. - -“Brace uply!” she say for courage. “Any child can start an ottomobile.” - -“Why you not employ a child, then?” I require. - -I could see by her silence that she did not admire my rudeness. - -After practice I become more intellectual with that machinery. With -kindly assistance from Hon. Mrs I could tease him to start from his -barn and run dangerously around block amid loudy curses from gasolene. -Pride filled me up. Folks often feels thusly before cyclones. - -That p. m. Hon. Mrs arrive to kitchen where I was manufacturing pie -with mushroom expression peculiar to cooks. - -“Togo,” she denounce, “you sippose you can now start Hon. Ottomobile by -your lonesome self?” - -“No starter could ever be more scientific than me,” I negotiate, -holding pie-crust on my wrists. - -“Glad to hear!” she congratulate. “Hon. Mr. Hopp return to-night by -6.6½ train. Feed 2 gals gasolene to Hon. Ottomobile and deliver Hon. -Husband to me as soonly as possible.” - -This were supreme time for prides. Bellboys, admirals and postmasters -seldom feel more happy in time of great victory. - -I put on respectaful gloves & greasy overcoat to resemble chauffer. I -smudge some engine-smoke across nose, so I should look more mechanical. -Then I go to gas-stable and quell Hon. Ottomobile with my hero -expression. He seem quite doggish. - -Skilful cranks by me. Loud roary from his stomach. Like Hon. Julius -Cæsar crossing the Delaware I lep to seat & make my heels, thumbs & -elbows go in all directions. O banzai! That sweet, tame ottomobile -jump forwards like a canary. Defly I turn wheel and make him sidle up -one street & down next. Citizens was seen dodging respectfully side by -side to let me pass. One gentleman raise Bull Moose voice and mention -it when I scratch his knuckles slightly. More faster and yet more so I -sped onwards. I seem to be walking on golden wings. Poetry circulated -in my chest. Thusly do gasolene make heroes of us all. - -Pretty soonly I arrive up to R R station where I observe Hon. Hopp -standing there in all the importance of his fat. Him & several -conductors looked very gast when they observe great skill with which I -knocked hitching-post from befront of saloon and still came on. - -All wheels was waltzing nicely as I turn Hon. Car close to platform, -intending for to stop and load on Hon. Boss. - -But alast! when I got there I could not stay. Despite of how I wiggled -handles, punched buttons, reversed myself with heels and commanded -with voice, that inflamed chariot were deaf to pity and determined to -continue onward. Hon. Mr make motions for me to arrest myself, but -all I could do was to set in seat while Hon. Car gollup rudely around -block. With Samurai calmness I continue to turn wheel, hoping thusly to -arrive back to station. And so I did. Pretty soonly I come up to R R -platform again. Despite my angry jerks by handle, I could observe how -peevly Hon. Hopp look at me. - -“Togo,” he holla, “come here!” - -“I do so!” I response, so I make skilled wobble of wheel and drove -Hon. Ottomobile up on platform, where he go for Hon. Boss so straight -that this fatty gentleman start off with dodge run peculiar to ducks -avoiding elephants. But Hon. Ottomobile was more quicker in the legs, -so he pounce on Hon. Mr with rude affection peculiar to New Foundland -dogs. Groans by him. Toots by otto. Then onwards I proceeded, still -attempting to strangle that horsepower which would not quit. - -Mr. Editor, you could not imagine such stubborn bullishness could be in -anything not human. The more I twisted that wagon, the faster he go. -Ditches, back fences and trees were splintered by his determination. At -lastly, because I knew it would be convenient for me to die near the -place where I was employed, I turned his nose toward home of Hon. Mrs -Hopp. - -We got there by very cross lots. Mrs. Hopp were standing by front gate -when I whoofed by. - -“Togo,” she yall as I pass, “Did you get my husband?” - -“Yes, thanks--I got him plenty,” were smart reply I make. - -Pretty soonly, by intense wheeling, I come back around block to where -that sweet-hearted lady was. - -“Put that car back in its stable!” she shreech like eagles. - -“I obey!” was reply for me. So with all the Japanese courage I could -demand from my ancestors, I turn Hon. Car through front fence, over -vegetable garden, across clothes line. When I arrive to garage I put -Hon. Car in very neatly, but Hon. Garage refuse to remain standing -where he was, but followed in several fractions. 26 feet further on, -Hon. Ottomobile, cursing like enraged kangaroos, lep over that cyclone -and fall dead in heap of splinters. Nothing alive remained except a few -wheels, pandemonium and me. - -As soonly as my intellectual mind got back in place, I sat up, -determined to see Hon. Mrs about resigning from that dangerous -housework. But she saw me previously. - -“Togo!” she glub, “how dares you make this rumpage when I spend one -whole week teaching you how to start ottomobiles?” - -“If you had spent another week teaching me how to stop him, I should be -less scattered,” were bright reply from me. - -So I remove my derby from around my neck & limp offwards feeling like -tonsilitis. - -Hoping you are the same - Yours truly, - _Hashimura Togo_. - - - - -XV A PICNIC PARTY - - -_To Editor Home & Lady Page who enjoys fresh air best when slightly -cooked_: - -Hon. Dear Sir:-- - -Why should tame folks wish to be wild when they are getting along in -nice candition without any Nature around? I ask to know. Hon. Mrs Horse -W. Snow, by who I was discharged away recently, might still nourish me -in her house if it was not for fresh air subject I tell you about: - -This Hon. Snow family reside in Trenton, N. J., where they live. Hon. -Mrs Snow have got two (2) complete twins, Frederick & Ederick, age 4 -yrs. old each. Hon. Horse W. Snow have got asthma. So every one enjoys -affliction in his own way. - -Last Fryday, when I was in Hon. Kitchen manufacturing pies by baking -it, Hon. Mrs approach up to me & explan, - -“Togo,” she say it, “do you unstand picnics?” - -“What kind of Gen. Housekeeping are that?” I ask to enquire. - -“It are the only kind what can be did outdoors,” she report. - -“How do you make a picnic?” are next question for me. - -“Picnics can be manufactured by following recipee,” she snuggest: - - - “1st:--Fill an ottomobile with children, pie & other sandwitches; - - 2st:--Find a piece of Nature and set down on it with lunch; - - 3st:--Continue this programme until go-home time, then do so.” - - -I listened with wrapped attention. - -“Cannot Nature be seen without taking lunch along?” I ask off. - -“I have no time to answer statistics,” she dib hashly. “To-morrow -morning by early a. m. we depart away in ottomobile for find some -soft place in Nature to sit on. I wish you prepare lunch of delicious -hard-boiledness to include egg, chicken, more eggs, cake, some eggs, -sandwitches & confused varieties of pie.” - -“I obey similar to soldiers,” in voice from me. - -“And don’t forget the eggs,” she reproach while eloping away. - - -That ottomobile of Hon. Horse W. Snow are a 7 passenger car. Therefore -it do not act surprised when 10 persons of sorted sizes gets into it. -Thusly, it look last Satday morning by early a. m. when Hon. Ottomobile -give hoots similar to martyrs about to enjoy break down. Included among -those getting in was Mrs & Mr Horse W. Snow & 2 twins; Mr & Mrs Hamlet -J. Dilk & 2 yrs. old Arthur; Togo & food; Ethel & Albert, lovely young -folks who look at each other with fiancee expression. - -Honks by Hon. Otto. - -Hon. Horse W. Snow, who was at the wheel pushing gasolene, say, “I have -look forwards to this day for joyful time.” - -“We shall have delightful picnic,” renig Mrs Horse W. “Togo, why are -you so unintellectual as to carry pie with its head downwards?” - -“This are delightful day to find Nature at home,” say Hon. Horse W. -with happy smiling. - -“It are,” derange Hon. Mrs. “Horse, why you insist on wheeling through -so many bumps that my elbows shake loose?” - -“Let us go to Buttermilk Falls where moss is there,” snuggest Hon. Dilk. - -“Buttermilk Falls are full of disgust,” report Hon. Mrs Dilk. - -They would doubtlessly enjoyed some more quarrel, but they were -discontinued by rumpage in their midst where Hons. Ederick & Frederick -was making slaps to Hon. Dilk baby, age 2. Weeps. - -Everybody wish go somewhere else. Ethel wish go Lover’s Leap. Albert -require go Altoona Vista. Hon. Mrs Snow demand go Trolley View Park. I -wish go home, but everybody was careless to ask my requirements. - -But Hon. Snow, who was driving ottomobile, took us to Morning Glory -Glenn, because nobody wish go there. - -Morning Glory Glenn were nice landscape resembling some photos of -Nature I have seen. It include wooden trees, a wet brook, considerable -wasps & other outdoor symptoms. - -“Togo,” say Hon. Snow with boss expression, “I shall attend to all -the hard work of this picnic if you fetch 8 buckets water, cut down -11 trees, make Dutch oven by piling stones, put baby to sleep, watch -twins and bake potatus.” - -“This are very restful spot,” report Hon. Ethel. - -I did not notice it. Nature look like any other kitchen to me, except -there was more room to get tired in. - -In the immediate meanwhile all that picnic were unfastening lunching -basket and enjoying many unpleasant things about him. - -“Who spilled mustard in angel cake?” require Hon. Snow looking like a -jury. - -“Togo,” report Hon. Mrs Snow peevly. - -I say nothing by chopping wood. - -“Who broke 17 eggs & forgot to bring butter while doing so?” approach -Hon. Ethel with finacee eyebrows. - -“Togo,” snuggest Hon. Albert with engaged expression. - -I carry silent firewood to blazes. - -Hon. Mrs Dilk spread down tablecloth of Turkish redness & make him look -good housekeeping by putting plates, pickles, ham & saucers on him. - -“It are going to rain!” report all together like chorus girls. - -“I are to blame for that also,” I acknowledge. - -All seem pleased to hear my crime, yet no intellectual reply. - -By wet water of runnybrook, Frederick & Ederick was playing Indian by -using Mrs Dilk’s 2 yrs. old baby for a prisoner. Pretty soonly, they -dropped Hon. Baby in wet water to see how well he float. He did not do -so, thank you; therefore I must plunge myself in and remove Baby out. -He notice my chivalry by angry howells. - -“I have saved your Baby from a watery tombstone,” I report to Mrs Dilk. - -“Could you not save him without wetting his feet so seriously?” she ask -out crankerously. - -“Next time he drowns, he should carry an umberella!” I snuggest, while -poking potatus in fire where they would burn better. - -Hon. Sky now look very sorry like he expect rain. Yet not yet. Lunching -were nearly most prepared. Ethel & Albert were enjoying disagreeable -love-talk, Hon. Snow & Hon. Dilk was drinking appetite from bottel, -Frederick & Ederick was weeping as usual--when Oh!!!! Hon. Mrs Dilk -come hop-jump over hill and make following explanation: - -“Bull! Bull!!” - -We could hear somebody talking moo-language slightly off in distance. - -“Who shall save us?” require Hon. Snow, picking up Ed. & Fred. (twins) -while Hon. Mrs Dilk obtained Baby. - -Looking over the eyebrow of the hill, I observe one fatherly cow -enjoying salad of daisy-cup blossoms. He seemed to be a smiling cattle -of Tammany Hall nature. - -“Togo,” require Hon. Snow with militia expression, “you go scare Hon. -Bull offwards while me & Mr Dilk bravely save wives & children.” - -They all began walking backwards to fence 86 feet away. That Hon. Bull -appear very civilized, so I was sure he would go away by request. I -had read in news-print, somewheres, that bulls are afraid of red rags; -therefore, I took up that reddy tablecloth and approach close by his -nose making waves with it. - -“Shoo!” I repeat like a toreador. - -All folks, while running, yell, “Don’t do! Don’t do!” but I was too -busy scaring bulls to make notice of them. - -All suddenly, Hon. Bull look upwards & observe my antix. He must of -been extra brave, because that red rag did not scare him slightly. -Snores of rage from him. He begin pawing grass with finger-nails. -Loudly bellus by him. Then--O rush!! He elevated his horns downwards -and make gollup for me. - -When I see how ambitious he look, I did one great heroism: I continued -to wave red rag & rush towards them picnic folks so I could be there to -protect them when Hon. Bull begin to hook. They was 48 feet ahead of -me, but me & Hon. Bull run very fast. I keep ahead, because he stop to -swear two or three times. We reached Hon. Fence together, just as Hon. -Snow & Hon. Dilk was getting over with armful of family. - -Roars!! That grand-square animal kicked me with horns so skilfully that -I made airship movement & come down on fence just in time to help Hon. -Dilk & family fall over. Yet they was thankless. Everybody was on other -side by that time. You would think they should be happy to see me light -among them--yet not. - -Hon. Bull spent 36 minutes making angry promenades up & down fence -talking oratory in cow language. Then he go back to where Hon. Lunch -was & spent rest of afternoon kicking it into river with horns. - -Hon. Sky begin to rain & them (2) twins made it wetter by weeps. All -wish to go homewards, but that was umpossible, because Hon. Ottomobile -were in field next to where Hon. Bull were setting down. - -At 7:26 p. m. time, Hon. Farmer come along with moustache under chin & -offer to coax off Bull, price $5. - -“He are harmless,” interrogate Hon. Farmer. - -“I know it,” report Hon. Snow. “He merely chased us to tell us so.” - -We all got into car, pretty soonly, and start homewards amidst -considerable drips and shipwrecked feelings of stumach. - -“Shakspeare never wrote nothing so tragic like to-day,” glub Hon. Snow. - -“Dearie, when you see Nature, you must take him like he comes,” -snuggest Hon. Mrs. - -“He’ll have to come to my house, next time I see him,” he dib. - -When we arrive up to R. R. station, I was surprised: Hon. Snow stop -ottomobile. - -“Togo,” he say so, “This are where you get off.” - -“You wish me depart homeless?” I snagger. - -“Since you are so smart at flagging bulls,” he resnort, “maybe you -can wave red rags at engineer and tell him take you some place where -picnics is unknown & brains unnecessary.” - -Speaking thusly, Hon. Ottomobile depart away full of honks. - -Hoping you are the same, - Yours truly, - _Hashimura Togo_. - - - - -XVI AN ADVENTURE IN BANTING - - -_To Editor Ladies’ Page which are never too fat to seem agreeable._ - -Hon Mr: Last job I were divorced from were home of Hon. Mrs Violet J. -Bobb who resides in the suburbs of Illinois. This Hon. Bobb lady seem -very wholsale about her beauty which contain 207 lbs complete poise. - -One day she approach to me & report, - -“Togo,” she say so, “I am going to have a reduction of myself.” - -“Will you be a great bargain?” I ask to know. - -“Ah surely yes!” she deploy. “I intend to be marked down from 207 lbs -to 180 in one month.” - -I show my amazement by surprise. - -“What will Hon. Mr Bobb say,” I rebuke, “when he return to dinner each -p. m. and find his Love growing less and less? Would you shrink thusly -from the hand that feeds you?” - -“If that hand did not feed me so much, perhapsly I would be less -mountainous,” she gollup. - -Yet she were determined. With immediate quickness she send to Hon. Dr -Physician and get Aunty Fat cure. Following was recipe for it: - -1st--Make things disagreeable for self and others. - -2st--Dress in rubber shirt-waist & exercise until entirely unhappy. -Keep on doing so. - -3st--Avoid sleep by keeping awake. - -4st--Avoid foods in any form. Beef tea & hard tack may be used as a -substitute. Add Gen. Discomfort. - -5st--Keep away from pleasant thoughts, as these are very fatty. - -6st--Shun all proteids, caryatids and asteroids. - -Mr Editor, did you ever try to cook for a lady what requires nothing -to eat but hard tack & beef tea? Such work might be easy, but it -ain’t. Supplying her with meals were like feeding canned vacuum to -camels--light work, but deliciously scientific. - -Hon. Mr Bobb, who was thin and red headed like a match, could eat -a banquet multiplied by three each day and appear just as wirey -as before. Foods make him thinner, so he require it continuously. -Therefore, I must cook very lopsided meals for them Bobbs to eat -it. For dinner-eat Hon. Bobbs absorb veal stew containing potatus, -fricaseed gravy, hot buns & beans of great wealth. But Hon. Mrs Bobbs -give me strick orders to serve her only bowl of soupless broth with -plate of very hard tack. - -“I appreciate bravery of soldiers,” she say, eating with gnaws. - -“Why should it?” reply her husband. - -“Because,” she wep, “after eating hard tack for 1 week I should be -willing to die for Country or anything else.” - -For dessert Hon. Mr had a minced pie while Hon. Mrs had a hysteric. -When Hon. Mr seen this noise he run to telephone and report. - -“Oh Dr, Dr!” he holla, “Hon. Mrs have got one hysteric!” - -“So glad to hear!” rejoint Hon. Medicine with smiling voice. “Grief are -a great reducer.” - -Hon. Mrs took walking exercise every morning from 9 o’clock until she -got back. In this promenade she resemble elephants marching in Siamese -funeral--each footstep seemed to go in front of the other with sorry -expression of great weight. When she return back she set down in -parlour attempting to deceive herself into staying awake. - -“Your lunching are prepared on table,” I pronounce with servant voice. - -“Please do not call beef tea lunching!” she snib like a cross stork. - -She set down and et hard tack with extreme desolation. - -After lunching she go groanfully to upstairs side. Pretty soonly I hear -plaster and other brick-a-brack falling amidst considerable earthquake, -so I know Hon. Mrs was rolling her figure over the carpet. - -After 2 complete weeks of this hygiene had went by, Hon. Bobbs come -home one night with scales for weighing coal. - -“Now we shall observe how much you have subtracted by efforts,” he -negotiate cheerly. - -“I am so wasted away I can scarcely jump,” she mone. She step to scales -which throw up their arms with loudy clatter when she got on. - -Hon. Bobbs hang considerable 100 lbs of iron to Hon. Scales before he -could strike a balance. At lastly Mrs Madam was weighed. - -“Dearie,” report Hon. Husband with voice, “You have not suffered all -for vain. You have lost exactly ½ lb!” - -She fainted all over him. - - -Mr. Editor, there are nothing more injurious to life than doing what -is good for us. Folks seeking health are considerable insurance risk. -Dutiful persons is nearly always cross, and dypsepia are the favourits -pastime of folks what never do no harm to their interior stomachs. - -Me & Hon. Bobbs got entirely worried about how Hon. Mrs was making -behaviour. In losing 2 lbs she dropped her spirits 1 ton. So I make -lecture to her on this subjeck one day. - -“Why you live in midst of groceries & take nothing?” I ask out. -“Sailors enjoys more bill of fare when shipwrecked on logs. When driven -desperado by hunger thay can at leastly cook each other.” - -“Not having to drink beef tea are sifficient to make them happy,” she -croke with Ibsen voice. - -All day she behave with air of rejected alimony. When her Husband -encroach home by night time he notice this. - -“Kitten,” he require, “how much pounds you lost to-day?” - -Peeved silence by her. - -“O dearie,” he deplore. “If you continue this bant some longer, home -will never seem snug again. Since you started to reduce, you have -become fatter and me thinner. In attempting to reduce your waist you -merely make your mind narrow. The less you eat the more biting your -replies becomes. O fill my home like once you used to do, or I shall -blow off and become suddenly zero!” - -Thus he say it with voice like a sad actor. But she merely set -exercising her elbows cruely like a Svoboda. - -Next morning while Hon. Mrs were off making lonesome walk for thinness, -I was in kitchen thinking thoughtfully about Fat. Why should ladies -abhor this delicious padding? I ask to know. Are not round circles more -beautiful than straight strings? Are not pillows more lovely as snakes? -Answer is, Yes!!! - -Therefore, I must lead this Boss Lady away from her emaciated mania -before her husband removed himself from her peeved disposition and -happy home was shipwrecked around my kitchen. - -So I lit gas stove, took out recipe book, flour, sugar, apples & other -nourishments and with immediate quickness I began stewing things what -smelled like a banquet. - -At noon time Hon. Mrs Madam come to table and set down, as usual, with -forceable-feeding expression. - -I put Hon. Soup befront of her. She startle. - -“What food is this which smell so disobediently fragrant?” she ask out. - -“Tometoes soup six inches thick & full of fatty nourishment,” I rake -off. - -“I refuse to eat such!” she yellup--and before I could took it away she -had assimilated it entirely with spoon. - -Next dish were turkey hash escorted by fried potatus, cinnamoney rolls, -jelly & baked bean. - -“I shall scold you!” she commence, but could not do so because she was -too busy forking that food with considerable smacks. - -And so onward through complete programme of vegetables until she reach -apple dumpling & 2 cups chocolate. - -She sigh. - -Pretty soonly I observe her in parlour-room laying on sofa, eating -candy-box and reading Mrs Humpley Ward book for sentimental joys. -Sleep arrived nextly, and I felt quite patriotic to think how peaceful -she was for 2 complete hours. - -At hour of 4:27 p. m. she came to kitchen with new expression of -brightly smiling. - -“Togo,” she report, “you have saved my life by your disobedience. How -dare you?” - -“A Samurai ain’t afraid of nothing, not even Fat,” I snuggest. - -“You have went strickly against my orders,” she guggle. “It were a -delicious meal. Yet I must punish you for your impertinence. How much -wages I owe you?” - -“$5,” I acknowledge. - -“Here are $15,” she explode. “$5 for your disobedience & $10 for your -talents. Henceforward you are fired.” - -“I was never more affectionately discharged in all my experience,” I -absolve while putting on hat & coat. “While I am vacant from this job -would you please hire my Cousin Nogi, who is also intelligent?” - -“If he are a good cook, send him around,” she greet while I depart -feeling like my brain was on backwards. - -Hoping you are the same - Yours truly - _Hashimura Togo_. - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. 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