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diff --git a/old/67042-0.txt b/old/67042-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 5aee932..0000000 --- a/old/67042-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5630 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Aftermath, by Hilaire Belloc - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: The Aftermath - Gleanings from a Busy Life - -Author: Hilaire Belloc
- -Release Date: December 29, 2021 [eBook #67042] - -Language: English
- -Produced by: Tim Lindell, John Campbell and the Online Distributed - Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was - produced from images generously made available by The - Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AFTERMATH *** - - - - - - TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE - - Italic text is denoted by _underscores_. - - Bold text is denoted by =equal signs=. - - Some quotations had blank space on a line (for a name). This is - represented by _________ in this etext. - - The 3-star inverted asterism symbol occurred eight times in the - ‘Personal Par’ chapter. This is denoted by * * *. - - Footnote anchors are denoted by [number], and the footnotes have - been placed at the end of the book. - - This book uses some unusual characters. These will display on this - device as - ¯ (non-combining macron) - ˘ (non-combining breve) - ■ (black square) - ☞ (right-pointing hand) - - The Table of Contents was created by the Transcriber, and is - placed in the public domain. - - Some minor changes to the text are noted at the end of the book. - - - - - HILAIRE BELLOC - - THE AFTERMATH - - _or_ - - GLEANINGS FROM A BUSY LIFE - - CALLED UPON THE OUTER COVER - - For Purposes of Sale - - CALIBAN’S GUIDE TO LETTERS - - By H. B. - - - NEW YORK - E. P. DUTTON & CO. - - - - -☞ _FURTHER AND YET MORE WEIGHTY OPINIONS OF THE PRESS._ - - -“ ... We found it very tedious....”--_The Evening German._ - - (The devil “we” did! “We” was once a private in a line regiment, - drummed out for receiving stolen goods). - -“ ... We cannot see what Dr. Caliban’s Guide is driving at.”--_The -Daily American._ - - (It is driving at you). - -“ ... What? Again?...”--_The Edinburgh Review._ - -“ ... On y retrouve a chaque page l’orgueil et la sécheresse -Anglaise....”--M. HYPPOLITE DURAND, writing in _Le Journal_ of -Paris. - -“ ... O Angleterre! Ile merveilleuse! C’est donc toujours de toi -que sortiront la Justice et la Vérité....”--M. CHARMANT REINACH, -writing in the _Horreur_ of Geneva. - -“ ... Lasciate ogni speranza voi ch’entrate.”--Signor Y. ILABRIMO -(of Palermo), writing in the _Tribuna_ of Rome. - -“πολλὰ τὰ δεινα κὀυδεν ἀνθρώπου δεινότερον πέλει.”--M. -NEGRIDEPOPOULOS DE WORMS, writing in _The_ “τὸ δεινον” of Athens. - -“!!משאל.”--_The Banner of Israel._ - -“----!”--_The Times_ of London. - - - - - _TO_ - - CATHERINE, MRS. CALIBAN, - - BUT FOR WHOSE FRUITFUL SUGGESTION, EVER-READY SYMPATHY, - POWERS OF OBSERVATION, KINDLY CRITICISM, UNFLINCHING - COURAGE, CATHOLIC LEARNING, AND NONE THE LESS - CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLE, - - THIS BOOK MIGHT AS WELL NOT HAVE BEEN - WRITTEN; - - IT IS DEDICATED - - BY - - HER OBEDIENT AND GRATEFUL SERVANT AND FRIEND - IN AFFLICTION, - - THE AUTHOR. - - - “_O, Man; with what tremors as of earth-begettings hast thou not - wrought, O, Man!--Yet--is it utterly indeed of thee--? Did there - not toil in it also that_ WORLD-MAN, _or haply was there not Some - Other?... O, Man! knowest thou that word Some Other?_”--CARLYLE’S - “Frederick the Great.” - - - - -Most of these sketches are reprinted from “The Speaker,” and appear -in this form by the kind permission of its Editor. - - -ERRATA AND ADDENDA. - -P. 19, line 14 (from the top), for “enteric” read “esoteric.” - -P. 73, second footnote, for “Sophia, Lady Gowl,” read “Lady Sophia -Gowl.” - -P. 277 (line 5 from bottom), for “the charming prospect of such a -_bribe_,” read “_Bride_.” - -P. 456, delete all references to Black-mail, _passim_. - -P. 510 (line 6 from top), for “_Chou-fleur_”, read “_Chauffeur_.” - - -DIRECTION TO PRINTER.--Please print hard, strong, clear, straight, -neat, clean, and well. Try and avoid those little black smudges! - - - - -PREFACE. - - -This work needs no apology. - -Its value to the English-speaking world is two-fold. It preserves -for all time, in the form of a printed book, what might have -been scattered in the sheets of ephemeral publications. It is so -designed that these isolated monuments of prose and verse can be -studied, absorbed, and, if necessary, copied by the young aspirant -to literary honours. - -Nothing is Good save the Useful, and it would have been sheer -vanity to have published so small a selection, whatever its merit, -unless it could be made to do Something, to achieve a Result in -this strenuous modern world. It will not be the fault of the book, -but of the reader, if no creative impulse follows its perusal, and -the student will have but himself to blame if, with such standards -before him, and so lucid and thorough an analysis of modern -Literature and of its well-springs, he does not attain the goal to -which the author would lead him. - -The book will be found conveniently divided into sections -representing the principal divisions of modern literary activity; -each section will contain an introductory essay, which will form -a practical guide to the subject with which it deals, and each -will be adorned with one or more examples of the finished article, -which, if the instructions be carefully followed, should soon -be turned out without difficulty by any earnest and industrious -scholar of average ability. - -If the Work can raise the income of but one poor journalist, or -produce earnings, no matter how insignificant, for but one of that -great army which is now compelled to pay for the insertion of -its compositions in the newspapers and magazines, the labour and -organizing ability devoted to it will not have been in vain. - - - - -TABLE OF CONTENTS - - INTRODUCTION 3 - - REVIEWING 17 - - POLITICAL APPEALS 35 - - THE SHORT STORY 59 - - THE SHORT LYRIC 75 - - THE INTERVIEW 93 - - THE PERSONAL PAR 113 - - THE TOPOGRAPHICAL ARTICLE 121 - - ON EDITING 131 - - ON REVELATIONS 143 - - SPECIAL PROSE 163 - - APPENDIX - PRICES CURRENT 173 - NOTE ON TITLES 177 - NOTE ON STYLE 179 - THE ODE 183 - ON REMAINDERS AND PULPING 187 - - INDEX 191 - - - - - INTRODUCTION. - - _A Grateful Sketch of the Author’s Friend (in part the - producer of this book_), - - JAMES CALIBAN. - - - - -INTRODUCTION. - - -Few men have pursued more honourably, more usefully, or more -successfully the career of letters than Thomas Caliban, D.D., of -Winchelthorpe-on-Sea, near Portsmouth. Inheriting, as his name -would imply, the grand old Huguenot strain, his father was a -Merchant Taylor of the City of London, and principal manager of the -Anglo-Chilian Bank; his mother the fifth daughter of K. Muller, -Esq., of Brighton, a furniture dealer and reformer of note in the -early forties. - -The connection established between my own family and that of Dr. -Caliban I purposely pass over as not germane to the ensuing pages, -remarking only that the friendship, guidance, and intimacy of such -a man will ever count among my chiefest treasures. Of him it may -truly be written: “_He maketh them to shine like Sharon; the waters -are his in Ram-Shaîd, and Gilgath praiseth him._” - -I could fill a volume of far greater contents than has this with -the mere record of his every-day acts during the course of his long -and active career. I must content myself, in this sketch, with a -bare summary of his habitual deportment. He would rise in the -morning, and after a simple but orderly toilet would proceed to -family prayers, terminating the same with a hymn, of which he would -himself read each verse in turn, to be subsequently chanted by the -assembled household. To this succeeded breakfast, which commonly -consisted of ham, eggs, coffee, tea, toast, jam, and whatnot--in a -word, the appurtenances of a decent table. - -Breakfast over, he would light a pipe (for he did not regard -indulgence in the weed as immoral, still less as un-Christian: the -subtle word ἐπιείκεια, which he translated “sweet reasonableness,” -was painted above his study door--it might have served for the -motto of his whole life), he would light a pipe, I say, and walk -round his garden, or, if it rained, visit the plants in his -conservatory. - -Before ten he would be in his study, seated at a large mahogany -bureau, formerly the property of Sir Charles Henby, of -North-chapel, and noon would still find him there, writing in -his regular and legible hand the notes and manuscripts which -have made him famous, or poring over an encyclopædia, the more -conscientiously to review some book with which he had been -entrusted. - -After the hours so spent, it was his habit to take a turn in the -fresh air, sometimes speaking to the gardener, and making the -round of the beds; at others passing by the stables to visit his -pony Bluebell, or to pat upon the head his faithful dog Ponto, now -advanced in years and suffering somewhat from the mange. - -To this light exercise succeeded luncheon, for him the most -cheerful meal of the day. It was then that his liveliest -conversation was heard, his closest friends entertained: the -government, the misfortunes of foreign nations, the success of -our fiscal policy, our maritime supremacy, the definition of the -word “gentleman,” occasionally even a little bout of theology--a -thousand subjects fell into the province of his genial criticism -and extensive information; to each his sound judgment and ready -apprehension added some new light; nor were the ladies of the -family incompetent to follow the gifted table talk of their father, -husband, brother, master,[1] and host.[2] - -Until the last few years the hour after lunch was occupied with a -stroll upon the terrace, but latterly he would consume it before -the fire in sleep, from which the servants had orders to wake him -by three o’clock. At this hour he would take his hat and stick and -proceed into the town, where his sunny smile and friendly salute -were familiar to high and low. A visit to the L.N.C. School, a few -purchases, perhaps even a call upon the vicar (for Dr. Caliban was -without prejudice--the broadest of men), would be the occupation -of the afternoon, from which he returned to tea in the charming -drawing-room of 48, Henderson Avenue. - -It was now high time to revisit his study. He was at work by -six, and would write steadily till seven. Dinner, the pleasant -conversation that succeeds it in our English homes, perhaps an -innocent round game, occupied the evening till a gong for prayers -announced the termination of the day. Dr. Caliban made it a point -to remain the last up, to bolt the front door, to pour out his -own whiskey, and to light his own candle before retiring. It was -consonant with his exact and thoughtful nature, by the way, to have -this candle of a patent sort, pierced down the middle to minimise -the danger from falling grease; it was moreover surrounded by a -detachable cylinder of glass.[3] - -Such was the round of method which, day by day and week by week, -built up the years of Dr. Caliban’s life; but life is made up of -little things, and, to quote a fine phrase of his own: “It is the -hourly habits of a man that build up his character.” He also said -(in his address to the I. C. B. Y.): “Show me a man hour by hour in -his own home, from the rising of the sun to his going down, and I -will tell you what manner of man he is.” I have always remembered -the epigram, and have acted upon it in the endeavour to portray the -inner nature of its gifted author. - -I should, however, be giving but an insufficient picture of Dr. -Caliban were I to leave the reader with no further impression of -his life work, or indeed of the causes which have produced this -book. - -His father had left him a decent competence. He lay, therefore, -under no necessity to toil for his living. Nevertheless, that sense -of duty, “through which the eternal heavens are fresh and strong” -(Wordsworth), moved him to something more than “the consumption -of the fruits of the earth” (Horace). He preached voluntarily and -without remuneration for some years to the churches in Cheltenham, -and having married Miss Bignor, of Winchelthorpe-on-Sea, purchased -a villa in that rising southern watering-place, and received a call -to the congregation, which he accepted. He laboured there till his -recent calamity. - -I hardly know where to begin the recital of his numerous activities -in the period of thirty-five years succeeding his marriage. With -the pen he was indefatigable. A man more ποικίλος--or, as he put -it, many-sided--perhaps never existed. There was little he would -not touch, little upon which he was not consulted, and much in -which, though anonymous, he was yet a leader. - -He wrote regularly, in his earlier years, for _The Seventh -Monarchy_, _The Banner_, _The Christian_, _The Free Trader_, -_Household Words_, _Good Words_, _The Quiver_, _Chatterbox_, _The -Home Circle_, and _The Sunday Monitor_. During the last twenty -years his work has continually appeared in the _Daily Telegraph_, -the _Times_, the _Siècle_, and the _Tribuna_. In the last two his -work was translated. - -His political effect was immense, and that though he never acceded -to the repeated request that he would stand upon one side or -the other as a candidate for Parliament. He remained, on the -contrary, to the end of his career, no more than president of a -local association. It was as a speaker, writer, and preacher, -that his ideas spread outwards; thousands certainly now use -political phrases which they may imagine their own, but which -undoubtedly sprang from his creative brain. He was perhaps not -the first, but one of the first, to apply the term “Anglo-Saxon” -to the English-speaking race--with which indeed he was personally -connected through his relatives in New Mexico. The word “Empire” -occurs in a sermon of his as early as 1869. He was contemporary -with Mr. Lucas, if not before him, in the phrase, “Command of the -sea”: and I find, in a letter to Mrs. Gorch, written long ago -in 1873, the judgment that Protection was “no longer,” and the -nationalization of land “not yet,” within “the sphere of practical -politics.” - -If his influence upon domestic politics was in part due to his -agreement with the bulk of his fellow-citizens, his attitude in -foreign affairs at least was all his own. Events have proved it -wonderfully sound. A strenuous opponent of American slavery as a -very young man--in 1860--he might be called, even at that age, -the most prominent Abolitionist in Worcestershire, and worked -indefatigably for the cause in so far as it concerned this country. -A just and charitable man, he proved, after the victory of the -North, one of the firmest supporters in the press of what he first -termed “an Anglo-American _entente_.” Yet he was not for pressing -matters. He would leave the “gigantic daughter of the West” to -choose her hour and time, confident in the wisdom of his daughter’s -judgment, and he lived to see, before his calamity fell upon him, -Mr. Hanna, Mr. Roosevelt, Mr. Elihu Root, and Mr. Smoot occupying -the positions they still adorn. - -He comprehended Europe. It was he who prophesied of the Dual -Monarchy (I believe in the _Contemporary Review_), that “the death -of Francis Joseph would be the signal for a great upheaval”; he -that applied to Italy the words “clericalism is the enemy”; and he -that publicly advised the withdrawal of our national investments -from the debt of Spain--“a nation in active decay.” He cared not -a jot when his critics pointed out that Spanish fours had risen -since his advice no less than 20 per cent., while our own consols -had fallen by an equal amount. “The kingdom I serve,” he finely -answered, “knows nothing of the price of stock.” And indeed the -greater part of his fortune was in suburban rents, saving a small -sum unfortunately adventured in Shanghai Telephones. - -Russia he hated as the oppressor of Finland and Poland, for -oppression he loathed and combatted wherever it appeared; nor -had Mr. Arthur Balfour a stronger supporter than he when that -statesman, armed only in the simple manliness of an English -Christian and Freeman, combatted and destroyed the terrorism that -stalked through Ireland. - -Of Scandinavia he knew singularly little, but that little was in -its favour; and as for the German Empire, his stanzas to Prince -Bismarck, and his sermon on the Emperor’s recent visit, are too -well known to need any comment here. To Holland he was, until -recently, attracted. Greece he despised. - -Nowhere was this fine temper of unflinching courage and sterling -common sense more apparent than in the great crisis of the -Dreyfus case. No man stood up more boldly, or with less thought -of consequence, for Truth and Justice in this country. He was not -indeed the chairman of the great meeting in St. James’ Hall, but -his peroration was the soul of that vast assemblage. “England will -yet weather the storm....” It was a true prophecy, and in a sense a -confession of Faith. - -There ran through his character a vein of something steady and -profound, which inspired all who came near him with a sense of -quiet persistent _strength_. This, with an equable, unfailing -pressure, restrained or controlled whatever company surrounded -him. It was like the regular current of a full but silent tide, -or like the consistent power of a good helmsman. It may be called -his _personal force_. To most men and women of our circle, that -force was a sustenance and a blessing; to ill-regulated or worldly -men with whom he might come in contact, it acted as a salutary -irritant, though rarely to so intense a degree as to give rise to -scenes. I must unfortunately except the case of the Rural Dean of -Bosham, whose notorious excess was the more lamentable from the -fact that the Council of the _S.P.C.A._ is strictly non-sectarian, -and whose excuse that the ink-pot was not thrown but brushed aside -is, to speak plainly, a tergiversation. - -The recent unhappy war in South Africa afforded an excellent -opportunity for the exercise of the qualities I mean. He was still -active and alert; still guiding men and maidens during its worse -days. His tact was admirable. He suffered from the acute divisions -of his congregation, but he suffered in powerful silence; and -throughout those dark-days his sober _necquid nimis_[4] was like a -keel and ballast for us all. - -A young radical of sorts was declaiming at his table one evening -against the Concentration Camp. Dr. Caliban listened patiently, and -at the end of the harangue said gently, “Shall we join the ladies?” -The rebuke was not lost.[5] - -On another occasion, when some foreigner was reported in the papers -as having doubted Mr. Brodrick’s figures relative to the numbers -of the enemy remaining in the field, Dr. Caliban said with quiet -dignity, “It is the first time I have heard the word of an English -gentleman doubted.” - -It must not be imagined from these lines that he defended the gross -excesses of the London mob--especially in the matter of strong -waters--or that he wholly approved of our policy. “Peace in our -time, _Oh, Lord_!” was his constant cry, and against militarism he -thundered fearlessly. I have heard him apply to it a word that -never passed his lips in any other connection--the word DAMNABLE. - -On the details of the war, the policy of annexation, the -advisability of frequent surrenders, the high salaries of -irregulars, and the employment of national scouts, he was silent. -In fine, one might have applied to him the strong and simple words -of Lord Jacobs, in his Guildhall speech.[6] One main fact stood -out--he hated warfare. He was a man of peace. - -The tall, broad figure, inclining slightly to obesity, the clear -blue northern eyes, ever roaming from point to point as though -seeking for grace, the familiar soft wideawake, the long full white -beard, the veined complexion and dark-gloved hands, are now, alas, -removed from the sphere they so long adorned. - -Dr. Caliban’s affliction was first noticed by his family at dinner -on the first of last September--a date which fell by a strange -and unhappy coincidence on a Sunday. For some days past Miss -Goucher had remarked his increasing volubility; but on this fatal -evening, in spite of all the efforts of his wife and daughters, -he continued to speak, without interruption, from half-past -seven to a quarter-past nine; and again, after a short interval, -till midnight, when he fell into an uneasy sleep, itself full of -mutterings. His talk had seemed now a sermon, now the reminiscence -of some leading article, now a monologue, but the whole quite -incoherent, though delivered with passionate energy; nor was it the -least distressing feature of his malady that he would tolerate no -reply, nay, even the gentlest assent drove him into paroxysms of -fury. - -Next day he began again in the manner of a debate at the local -Liberal Club, soon lapsing again into a sermon, and anon admitting -snatches of strange songs into the flow of his words. Towards -eleven he was apparently arguing with imaginary foreigners, and -shortly afterwards the terrible scene was ended by the arrival of a -medical man of his own persuasion. - -It is doubtful whether Dr. Caliban will ever be able to leave Dr. -Charlbury’s establishment, but all that can be done for him in his -present condition is lovingly and ungrudgingly afforded. There has -even been provided for him at considerable expense, and after an -exhaustive search, a companion whose persistent hallucination it -is that he is acting as private secretary to some leader of the -Opposition, and the poor wild soul is at rest. - -Such was the man who continually urged upon me the necessity of -compiling some such work as that which now lies before the reader. -He had himself intended to produce a similar volume, and had he -done so I should never have dared to enter the same field; but I -feel that in his present incapacity I am, as it were, fulfilling -a duty when I trace in these few pages the plan which he so -constantly counselled, and with such a man counsels were commands. -If I may be permitted to dwell upon the feature more especially -his own in this Guide, I will point to the section “On Vivid -Historical Literature in its Application to Modern Problems,” -and furthermore, to the section “On the Criticism and Distinction -of Works Attributed to Classical Authors.” In the latter case the -examples chosen were taken from his own large collection; for -it was a hobby of his to purchase as bargains manuscripts and -anonymous pamphlets which seemed to him to betray the hand of some -master. Though I have been compelled to differ from my friend, and -cannot conscientiously attribute the specimens I have chosen to -William Shakespeare or to Dean Swift, yet I am sure the reader will -agree with me that the error into which Dr. Caliban fell was that -of no ordinary mind. - -Finally, let me offer to his family, and to his numerous circle, -such apologies as may be necessary for the differences in style, -and, alas, I fear, sometimes in mode of thought, between the -examples which I have chosen as models for the student and those -which perhaps would have more powerfully attracted the sympathies -of my preceptor himself. I am well aware that such a difference is -occasionally to be discovered. I can only plead in excuse that men -are made in very different ways, and that the disciple cannot, even -if he would, forbid himself a certain measure of self-development. -Dr. Caliban’s own sound and broad ethics would surely have demanded -it of no one, and I trust that this solemn reference to his charity -and genial toleration will put an end to the covert attacks which -some of those who should have been the strongest links between us -have seen fit to make in the provincial and religious press. - - - - -_DIVISION I._ - -REVIEWING. - - - - -REVIEWING. - - -The ancient and honourable art of Reviewing is, without question, -the most important branch of that great calling which we term the -“Career of Letters.” - -As it is the most important, so also it is the first which a man of -letters should learn. It is at once his shield and his weapon. A -thorough knowledge of Reviewing, both theoretical and applied, will -give a man more popularity or power than he could have attained by -the expenditure of a corresponding energy in any one of the liberal -professions, with the possible exception of Municipal politics. - -It forms, moreover, the foundation upon which all other literary -work may be said to repose. Involving, as it does, the reading of -a vast number of volumes, and the thorough mastery of a hundred -wholly different subjects; training one to rapid, conclusive -judgment, and to the exercise of a kind of immediate power of -survey, it vies with cricket in forming the character of an -Englishman. It is interesting to know that Charles Hawbuck was for -some years principally occupied in Reviewing; and to this day some -of our most important men will write, nay, and sign, reviews, as -the press of the country testifies upon every side. - -It is true that the sums paid for this species of literary -activity are not large, and it is this fact which has dissuaded -some of our most famous novelists and poets of recent years from -undertaking Reviewing of any kind. But the beginner will not be -deterred by such a consideration, and he may look forward, by -way of compensation, to the ultimate possession of a large and -extremely varied library, the accumulation of the books which -have been given him to review. I have myself been presented with -books of which individual volumes were sometimes worth as much as -forty-two shillings to buy. - -Having said so much of the advantages of this initial and -fundamental kind of writing, I will proceed to a more exact account -of its dangers and difficulties, and of the processes inherent to -its manufacture. - -It is clear, in the first place, that the Reviewer must regard -herself as the servant of the public, and of her employer; and -service, as I need hardly remind her (or him), has nothing in it -dishonourable. We were all made to work, and often the highest in -the land are the hardest workers of all. This character of service, -of which Mr. Ruskin has written such noble things, will often lay -the Reviewer under the necessity of a sharp change of opinion, and -nowhere is the art a better training in morals and application than -in the habit it inculcates of rapid and exact obedience, coupled -with the power of seeing every aspect of a thing, and of insisting -upon that particular aspect which will give most satisfaction to -the commonwealth. - -It may not be uninstructive if I quote here the adventures of -one of the truest of the many stout-hearted men I have known, -one indeed who recently died in harness reviewing Mr. Garcke’s -article on Electrical Traction in the supplementary volumes of the -_Encyclopædia Britannica_. This gentleman was once sent a book to -review; the subject, as he had received no special training in it, -might have deterred one less bound by the sense of duty. This book -was called _The Snail: Its Habitat, Food, Customs, Virtues, Vices, -and Future_. It was, as its title would imply, a monograph upon -snails, and there were many fine coloured prints, showing various -snails occupied in feeding on the leaves proper to each species. It -also contained a large number of process blocks, showing sections, -plans, elevations, and portraits of snails, as well as detailed -descriptions (with diagrams) of the ears, tongues, eyes, hair, and -nerves of snails. It was a comprehensive and remarkable work. - -My friend (whose name I suppress for family reasons) would not -naturally have cared to review this book. He saw that it involved -the assumption of a knowledge which he did not possess, and that -some parts of the book might require very close reading. It -numbered in all 1532 pages, but this was including the index and -the preface. - -He put his inclinations to one side, and took the book with him to -the office of the newspaper from which he had received it, where -he was relieved to hear the Editor inform him that it was not -necessary to review the work in any great detail. “Moreover,” he -added, “I don’t think you need praise it too much.” - -On hearing this, the Reviewer, having noted down the price of -the book and the name of the publisher, wrote the following -words--which, by the way, the student will do well to cut out and -pin upon his wall, as an excellent example of what a “short notice” -should be:-- - - “_The Snail: Its Habitat_, &c. Adam Charles. Pschuffer. 21s. 6d. - - “This is a book that will hardly add to the reputation of - its author. There is evidence of detailed work, and even of - conscientious research in several places, but the author has - ignored or misunderstood the whole teaching of ___________ and - the special discoveries of ___________ and what is even more - remarkable in a man of Mr. Charles’ standing, he advances views - which were already exploded in the days of ___________.” - -He then took an Encyclopædia and filled up the blanks with the -names of three great men who appeared, according to that work, to -be the leaders in this branch of natural history. His duty thus -thoroughly accomplished and his mind at rest, he posted his review, -and applied himself to lighter occupations. - -Next day, however, the Editor telephoned to him, to the effect that -the notice upon which he had spent so much labour could not be used. - -“We have just received,” said the Editor, “a page advertisement -from Pschuffer. I would like a really good article, and you might -use the book as a kind of peg on which to hang it. You might begin -on the subject of snails, and make it something more like your -‘_Oh! my lost friend_,’ which has had such a success.” - -On occasions such as these the beginner must remember to keep full -possession of himself. - -Nothing in this mortal life is permanent, and the changes that are -native to the journalistic career are perhaps the most startling -and frequent of all those which threaten humanity. - -The Reviewer of whom I speak was as wise as he was honourable. -He saw at once what was needed. He wrote another and much longer -article, beginning-- - - “_The Snail: Its Habitat_, &c. Adam Charles. Pschuffer. 21s. 6d. - - “There are tender days just before the Spring dares the adventure - of the Channel, when our Kentish woods are prescient, as it were, - of the South. It is calm ...” - -and so forth, leading gradually up to snails, and bringing in the -book here and there about every twentieth line. - -When this long article was done, he took it back to the office, -and there found the Editor in yet a third mood. He was talking -into the telephone, and begged his visitor to wait until he had -done. My friend, therefore, took up a copy of the _Spectator_, and -attempted to distract his attention with the masterful irony and -hard crystalline prose of that paper. - -Soon the Editor turned to him and said that Pschuffer’s had just -let him know by the telephone that they would not advertise after -all. - -It was now necessary to delete all that there might be upon snails -in his article, to head the remainder “My Kentish Home,” and to -send it immediately to “_Life in the Open_.” This done, he sat -down and wrote upon a scrap of paper in the office the following -revised notice, which the Editor glanced at and approved:-- - - “_The Snail: Its Habitat_, &c. Adam Charles. Pschuffer. 21s. 6d. - - “This work will, perhaps, appeal to specialists. This journal - does not profess any capacity of dealing with it, but a glance at - its pages is sufficient to show that it would be very ill-suited - to ordinary readers. The illustrations are not without merit.” - -Next morning he was somewhat perturbed to be called up again upon -the telephone by the Editor, who spoke to him as follows:-- - -“I am very sorry, but I have just learnt a most important fact. -Adam Charles is standing in our interests at Biggleton. Lord Bailey -will be on the platform. You must write a long and favourable -review of the book before twelve to-day, and do try and say a -little about the author.” - -He somewhat wearily took up a sheet of paper and wrote what -follows:--a passage which I must again recommend to the student as -a very admirable specimen of work upon these lines. - - “_The Snail: Its Habitat_, &c. Adam Charles. Pschuffer. 21s. 6d. - - “This book comes at a most opportune moment. It is not generally - known that Professor Charles was the first to point out the very - great importance of the training of the mind in the education of - children. It was in May, 1875, that he made this point in the - presence of Mr. Gladstone, who was so impressed by the mingled - enlightenment and novelty of the view, that he wrote a long - and interesting postcard upon the author to a friend of the - present writer. Professor Charles may be styled--nay, he styles - himself--a ‘self-made man.’ Born in Huddersfield of parents - who were weavers in that charming northern city, he was early - fascinated by the study of natural science, and was admitted to - the Alexandrovna University....” - -(And so on, and so on, out of “_Who’s Who_.”) - - “But this would not suffice for his growing genius.” - -(And so on, and so on, out of the _Series of Contemporary -Agnostics_.) - - “ ... It is sometimes remarkable to men of less wide experience - how such spirits find the mere time to achieve their prodigious - results. Take, for example, this book on the Snail....” - -And he continued in a fine spirit of praise, such as should be -given to books of this weight and importance, and to men such as he -who had written it. He sent it by boy-messenger to the office. - -The messenger had but just left the house when the telephone rang -again, and once more it was the Editor, who asked whether the -review had been sent off. Knowing how dilatory are the run of -journalists, my friend felt some natural pride in replying that he -had indeed just despatched the article. The Editor, as luck would -have it, was somewhat annoyed by this, and the reason soon appeared -when he proceeded to say that the author was another Charles after -all, and not the Mr. Charles who was standing for Parliament. He -asked whether the original review could still be retained, in -which the book, it will be remembered, had been treated with some -severity. - -My friend permitted himself to give a deep sigh, but was courteous -enough to answer as follows:-- - -“I am afraid it has been destroyed, but I shall be very happy to -write another, and I will make it really scathing. You shall have -it by twelve.” - -It was under these circumstances that the review (which many of you -must have read) took this final form, which I recommend even more -heartily than any of the others to those who may peruse these pages -for their profit, as well as for their instruction. - - “_The Snail: Its Habitat_, &c. Adam Charles. Pschuffer. 21s. 6d. - - “We desire to have as little to do with this book as possible, - and we should recommend some similar attitude to our readers. - It professes to be scientific, but the harm books of this kind - do is incalculable. It is certainly unfit for ordinary reading, - and for our part we will confess that we have not read more than - the first few words. They were quite sufficient to confirm the - judgment which we have put before our readers, and they would - have formed sufficient material for a lengthier treatment had - we thought it our duty as Englishmen to dwell further upon the - subject.” - -Let me now turn from the light parenthesis of illuminating anecdote -to the sterner part of my task. - -We will begin at the beginning, taking the simplest form of review, -and tracing the process of production through its various stages. - -It is necessary first to procure a few forms, such as are sold -by Messrs. Chatsworthy in Chancery Lane, and Messrs. Goldman, of -the Haymarket, in which all the skeleton of a review is provided, -with blanks left for those portions which must, with the best will -in the world, vary according to the book and the author under -consideration. There are a large number of these forms, and I would -recommend the student who is as yet quite a novice in the trade to -select some forty of the most conventional, such as these on page 7 -of the catalogue:-- - - “Mr. ---- has hardly seized the pure beauty of” - - “We cannot agree with Mr. ---- in his estimate of” - - “Again, how admirable is the following:” - -At the same establishments can be procured very complete lists of -startling words, which lend individuality and force to the judgment -of the Reviewer. Indeed I believe that Mr. Goldman was himself -the original patentee of these useful little aids, and among many -before me at this moment I would recommend the following to the -student:-- - - { Absolute } - { Immediate } - { Creative } - { Bestial } - { Intense } - “There is somewhat { Authoritative } in Mr. ----’s style.” - of the { Ampitheatrical } Mrs. ----’s - { Lapsed } Miss ----’s - { Miggerlish } - { Japhetic } - { Accidental } - { Alkaline } - { Zenotic } - -Messrs. Malling, of Duke Street, Soho, sell a particular kind of -cartridge paper and some special pins, gum, and a knife, called -“The Reviewer’s Outfit.” I do not know that these are necessary, -but they cost only a few pence, and are certainly of advantage -in the final process: To wit:--Seizing firmly the book to be -reviewed, write down the title, price, publisher, and (in books -other than anonymous) the author’s name, at the _top_ of the sheet -of paper you have chosen. The book should then be taken in both -hands and opened sharply, with a gesture not easily described, but -acquired with very little practice. The test of success is that the -book should give a loud crack and lie open of itself upon the table -before one. This initial process is technically called “breaking -the back” of a book, but we need not trouble ourselves yet with -technical terms. One of the pages so disclosed should next be torn -out and the word “extract” written in the corner, though not before -such sentences have been deleted as will leave the remainder a -coherent paragraph. In the case of historical and scientific work, -the preface must be torn out bodily, the name of the Reviewer -substituted for the word “I,” and the whole used as a description -of the work in question. What remains is very simple. The forms, -extracts, &c., are trimmed, pinned, and gummed in order upon the -cartridge paper (in some offices brown paper), and the whole is -sent to press. - -I need hardly say that only the most elementary form of review can -be constructed upon this model, but the simplest notice contains -all the factors which enter into the most complicated and most -serious of literary criticism and pronouncements. - -In this, as in every other practical trade, an ounce of example is -worth a ton of precept, and I have much pleasure in laying before -the student one of the best examples that has ever appeared in -the weekly press of how a careful, subtle, just, and yet tender -review, may be written. The complexity of the situation which -called it forth, and the lightness of touch required for its -successful completion, may be gauged by the fact that Mr. Mayhem -was the nephew of my employer, had quarrelled with him at the -moment when the notice was written, but will almost certainly be -on good terms with him again; he was also, as I privately knew, -engaged to the daughter of a publisher who had shares in the works -where the review was printed. - - - A YOUNG POET IN DANGER. - - MR. MAYHEM’S “PEREANT QUI NOSTRA.” - - We fear that in “Pereant qui Nostra,” Mr. Mayhem has hardly added - to his reputation, and we might even doubt whether he was well - advised to publish it at all. “Tufts in an Orchard” gave such - promise, that the author of the exquisite lyrics it contained - might easily have rested on the immediate fame that first effort - procured him: - - “Lord, look to England; England looks to you,” - - and-- - - “Great unaffected vampires and the moon,” - - are lines the Anglo-Saxon race will not readily let die. - - In “Pereant qui Nostra,” Mr. Mayhem preserves and even increases - his old facility of expression, but there is a terrible - falling-off in verbal aptitude. - - What are we to think of “The greatest general the world has seen” - applied as a poetic description to Lord Kitchener? Mr. Mayhem - will excuse us if we say that the whole expression is commonplace. - - Commonplace thought is bad enough, though it is difficult to - avoid when one tackles a great national subject, and thinks what - all good patriots and men of sense think also. “Pour être poête,” - as M. Yves Guyot proudly said in his receptional address to the - French Academy, “Pour être poête on n’est pas forcément aliéné.” - But commonplace _language_ should always be avoidable, and it is - a fault which we cannot but admit we have found throughout Mr. - Mayhem’s new volume. Thus in “Laura” he compares a young goat - to a “tender flower,” and in “Billings” he calls some little - children “the younglings of the flock.” Again, he says of the - waves at Dover in a gale that they are “horses all in rank, with - manes of snow,” and tells us in “Eton College” that the Thames - “runs like a silver thread amid the green.” - - All these similes verge upon the commonplace, even when they - do not touch it. However, there is very genuine feeling in the - description of his old school, and we have no doubt that the bulk - of Etonians will see more in the poem than outsiders can possibly - do. - - It cannot be denied that Mr. Mayhem has a powerful source of - inspiration in his strong patriotism, and the sonnets addressed - to Mr. Kruger, Mr. O’Brien, Dr. Clark, and General Mercier are - full of vigorous denunciation. It is the more regrettable that - he has missed true poetic diction and lost his subtlety in a - misapprehension of planes and values. - - “Vile, vile old man, and yet more vile again,” - - is a line that we are sure Mr. Mayhem would reconsider in - his better moments: “more vile” than what? Than himself? The - expression is far too vague. - - “Proud Prelate,” addressed to General Mercier, must be a - misprint, and it is a pity it should have slipped in. What Mr. - Mayhem probably meant was “Proud Cæsar” or “soldier,” or some - other dissyllabic title. The word _prelate_ can properly only be - applied to a bishop, a mitred abbot, or a vicar apostolic. - - “Babbler of Hell, importunate mad fiend, dead canker, crested - worm,” are vigorous and original, but do not save the sonnet. And - as to the last two lines, - - “Nor seek to pierce the viewless shield of years, - For that you certainly could never do,” - - Mr. Mayhem must excuse us if we say that the order of the lines - make a sheer bathos. - - Perhaps the faults and the excellences of Mr. Mayhem, his - fruitful limitations, and his energetic inspirations, can be best - appreciated if we quote the following sonnet; the exercise will - also afford us the opportunity (which we are sure Mr. Mayhem will - not resent in such an old friend) of pointing out the dangers - into which his new tendencies may lead him. - - “England, if ever it should be thy fate - By fortune’s turn or accident of chance - To fall from craven fears of being great, - And in the tourney with dishevelled lance - To topple headlong, and incur the Hate - Of Spain, America, Germany, and France, - What will you find upon that dreadful date - To check the backward move of your advance? - A little Glory; purchased not with gold - Nor yet with Frankincense (the island blood - Is incommensurate, neither bought nor sold), - But on the poops where Drake and Nelson stood - An iron hand, a stern unflinching eye - To meet the large assaults of Destiny.” - - Now, here is a composition that not everyone could have written. - It is inspired by a vigorous patriotism, it strikes the right - note (Mr. Mayhem is a Past Seneschal of the Navy League), and it - breathes throughout the motive spirit of our greatest lyrics. - - It is the execution that is defective, and it is to execution - that Mr. Mayhem must direct himself if he would rise to the level - of his own great conceptions. - - We will take the sonnet line by line, and make our meaning clear, - and we do this earnestly for the sake of a young poet to whom the - Anglo-Saxon race owes much, and whom it would be deplorable to - see failing, as Kipling appears to be failing, and as Ganzer has - failed. - - Line 1 is not very striking, but might pass as an introduction; - line 2 is sheer pleonasm--after using the word “fate,” you - cannot use “fortune,” “accident,” “chance,” as though they were - amplifications of your first thought. Moreover, the phrase “by - _fortune’s_ turn” has a familiar sound. It is rather an echo - than a creation. - - In line 3, “craven fears of being great” is taken from Tennyson. - The action is legitimate enough. Thus, in Wordsworth’s - “Excursion” are three lines taken bodily from “Paradise Lost,” - in Kipling’s “Stow it” are whole phrases taken from the _Police - Gazette_, and in Mr. Austin’s verses you may frequently find - portions of a _Standard_ leader. Nevertheless, it is a license - which a young poet should be chary of. All these others were men - of an established reputation before they permitted themselves - this liberty. - - In line 4, “dishevelled” is a false epithet for “lance”; a lance - has no hair; the adjective can only properly be used of a woman, - a wild beast, or domestic animal. - - In line 5, “incur the hate” is a thoroughly unpoetic phrase--we - say so unreservedly. In line 6, we have one of those daring - experiments in metre common to our younger poets; therefore we - hesitate to pronounce upon it, but (if we may presume to advise) - we should give Mr. Mayhem the suggestion made by the _Times_ to - Tennyson--that he should stick to an exact metre until he felt - sure of his style; and in line 8, “the backward move of your - advance” seems a little strained. - - It is, however, in the sextet that the chief slips of the sonnet - appear, and they are so characteristic of the author’s later - errors, that we cannot but note them; thus, “purchased not with - gold or _Frankincense_” is a grievous error. It is indeed a good - habit to quote Biblical phrases (a habit which has been the - making of half our poets), but not to confuse them: frankincense - was never used as coin--even by the Hittites. “Incommensurate” is - simply meaningless. How can blood be “incommensurate”? We fear - Mr. Mayhem has fallen into the error of polysyllabic effect, - a modern pitfall. “Island blood” will, however, stir many a - responsive thrill. - - The close of the sonnet is a terrible falling off. When you say a - thing is purchased, “not with this but----” the reader naturally - expects an alternative, instead of which Mr. Mayhem goes right - off to another subject! Also (though the allusion to Nelson and - Drake is magnificent) the mention of an iron hand and an eye by - themselves on a poop seems to us a very violent metaphor. - - The last line is bad. - - We do not write in this vein to gain any reputation for - preciosity, and still less to offend. Mr. Mayhem has many - qualities. He has a rare handling of penultimates, much - potentiality, large framing; he has a very definite chiaroscuro, - and the tones are full and objective; so are the values. We would - not restrain a production in which (as a partner in a publishing - firm) the present writer is directly interested. But we wish - to recall Mr. Mayhem to his earlier and simpler style--to the - “Cassowary,” and the superb interrupted seventh of “The Altar - Ghoul.” - - England cannot afford to lose that talent. - - - - -ON POLITICAL APPEALS. - - - - -POLITICAL APPEALS. - - -It was one of Dr. Caliban’s chief characteristics--and perhaps the -main source of his power over others--that he could crystallize, -or--to use the modern term--“wankle,” the thought of his generation -into sharp unexpected phrases. Among others, this was constantly -upon his lips:-- - - “_We live in stirring times._” - -If I may presume to add a word to the pronouncements of my revered -master, I would re-write the sentence thus:-- - - “_We live in stirring_--AND CHANGEFUL--_times._” - -It is not only an element of adventure, it is also an element of -rapid and unexpected development which marks our period, and which -incidentally lends so considerable an influence to genius. - -In the older and more settled order, political forces were so well -known that no description or analysis of them was necessary: to -this day members of our more ancient political families do not read -the newspapers. Soon, perhaps, the national life will have entered -a new groove, and once more literary gentlemen will but indirectly -control the life of the nation. - -For the moment, however, their effect is direct and immediate. -A vivid prophecy, a strong attack upon this statesman or that -foreign Government may determine public opinion for a space of over -ten days, and matter of this sort is remunerated at the rate of -from 15_s._ to 18_s._ 6_d._ per thousand words. When we contrast -this with the 9_s._ paid for the translation of foreign classics, -the 5_s._ of occasional verse, or even the 10_s._ of police-court -reporting, it is sufficiently evident that this kind of composition -is the Premier Prose of our time. - -There must, indeed, be in London and Manchester, alive at the -present moment, at least fifty men who can command the prices I -have mentioned, and who, with reasonable industry, can earn as -much as £500 a year by their decisions upon political matters. But -I should be giving the student very indifferent counsel were I to -recommend him for the delivery of his judgment to the beaten track -of Leading Articles or to that of specially written and signed -communications: the sums paid for such writing never rise beyond a -modest level; the position itself is precarious. In London alone, -and within a radius of 87 yards from the “Green Dragon,” no less -than 53 Authors lost their livelihood upon the more respectable -papers from an inability to prophecy with any kind of accuracy -upon the late war, and this at a time when the majority of regular -politicians were able to retain their seats in Parliament and many -ministers their rank in the Cabinet. - -By far the most durable, the most exalted, and the most effective -kind of appeal, is that which is made in a poetic form, especially -if that form be vague and symbolic in its character. Nothing -is risked and everything is gained by this method, upon which -have been founded so many reputations and so many considerable -fortunes. The student cannot be too strongly urged to abandon the -regular and daily task of set columns--signed or unsigned--for the -occasional Flash of Verse if he desire to provoke great wars and to -increase his income. It may not always succeed, but the proportion -of failures is very small, and at the worst it is but a moment’s -energy wasted. - -“_We are sick_” says one of the most famous among those who have -adopted this method, “_We are sick_”--he is speaking not only of -himself but of others--“_We are sick for a stave of the song that -our fathers sang._” Turn, therefore, to the dead--who are no longer -alive, and with whom no quarrel is to be feared. Make them reappear -and lend weight to your contention. Their fame is achieved, and may -very possibly support your own. This kind of writing introduces -all the elements that most profoundly affect the public: it is -mysterious, it is vague, it is authoritative; it is also eminently -literary, and I can recall no first-class political appeal of the -last fifteen years which has not been cast more or less upon these -lines. - -The subjects you may choose from are numerous and are daily -increasing, but for the amateur the best, without any question, is -that of Imperialism. It is a common ground upon which all meet, -and upon which every race resident in the wealthier part of London -is agreed. Bring forward the great ghosts of the past, let them -swell what is now an all but universal chorus. Avoid the more -complicated metres, hendecasyllables, and the rest; choose those -which neither scan nor rhyme; or, if their subtlety baffles you, -fall back upon blank verse, and you should, with the most moderate -talent, lay the foundation of a permanent success. - -I will append, as is my custom, a model upon which the student -may shape his first efforts, though I would not have him copy too -faithfully, lest certain idiosyncrasies of manner should betray the -plagiarism. - - -THE IMPERIALIST FEAST. - -[_A Hall at the_ Grand Oriental. _At a long table are seated -innumerable Shades. The walls are decorated with flags of all -nations, and a band of musicians in sham uniform are playing very -loudly on a daïs._] - -CATULLUS rises and makes a short speech, pointing out the -advantages of Strong Men, and making several delicate allusions -to Cæsar, who is too much of a gentleman to applaud. He then -gives them the toast of “Imperialism,” to which there is a hearty -response. Lucan replies in a few well-chosen words, and they fall -to conversation. - - PETRONIUS--I would be crowned with paper flowers to-night - And scented with the rare opopanax, - Whose savour leads the Orient in, suggesting - The seas beyond Modore. - - TALLEYRAND-- Shove up, Petronius, - And let me sit as near as possible - To Mr. Bingoe’s Grand Imperial Band - With Thirty-seven Brazen Instruments - And Kettle-Drums complete: I hear the players - Discourse the music called “What Ho! She Bumps!” - - LORD CHESTERFIELD--What Ho! She Bumps! Likewise! C’est ça! There’s - ’Air! - - LORD GLENALTAMONT OF EPHESUS (_severely_)--Lord Chesterfield! Be - worthy of your name. - - LORD CHESTERFIELD (_angrily_)--Lord Squab, be worthy of your - son-in-law’s. - - HENRY V.--My Lords! my Lords! What do you with your swords? - I mean, what mean you by this strange demeanour - Which (had you swords and knew you how to use them) - Might ... I forget what I was going to say.... - Oh! Yes----Is this the time for peers to quarrel, - When all the air is thick with Agincourt - And every other night is Crispin’s day? - The very supers bellow up and down, - Armed of rude cardboard and wide blades of tin - For England and St. George! - - RICHARD YEA AND NAY-- You talk too much. - Think more. Revise. Avoid the commonplace; - And when you lack a startling word, invent it. - -[_Their quarrel is stopped by_ THOMAS JEFFERSON _rising to propose -the toast of “The Anglo-Saxon Race.”_] - - JEFFERSON--If I were asked what was the noblest message - Delivered to the twentieth century, - I should reply-- - - (_Etc., etc. While he maunders on_ - ANTONY, CLEOPATRA, _and_ CÆSAR _begin talking - rather loud_) - - CLEOPATRA--Waiter! I want a little crème de menthe. - - (_The waiter pays no attention._) - - ANTONY--Waiter! A glass of curaçao and brandy. - - (_Waiter still looks at Jefferson._) - - CÆSAR--That is the worst of these contracted dinners. - They give you quite a feed for 3_s._ 6_d._ - And have a splendid Band. I like the Band, - It stuns the soul.... But when you call the waiter - He only sneers and looks the other way. - - CLEOPATRA (_makes a moue_). - - CÆSAR (_archly_)--Was _that_ the face that launched a thousand ships - And sacked.... - - ANTONY (_angrily_)--Oh! Egypt! Egypt! Egypt! - - THOMAS JEFFERSON (_ending, interrupts the quarrel_). - ... blessings - Of order, cleanliness, and business methods. - The base of Empire is a living wage. - One King ... (_applause_) ... (_applause_) - ... (_applause_) shall always wave ... (_applause_) - ... (_loud applause_) ... (_applause_) - THE REIGN OF LAW! - (_Thunders of applause_) - - NAPOLEON (_rising to reply_)--I am myself a strong Imperialist. - A _brochure_, very recently compiled - (Which, pardon me, I do not mean to read), - Neglects the point, I think; the Anglo-Saxon ... (&c. &c.) - - GEORGE III. (_to Burke_)--Who’s that? Eh, what? - Who’s that? Who ever’s that? - - BURKE--Dread sire! It is the Corsican Vampire. - - GEORGE III.--Napoleon? What? I thought that he was leaner. - I thought that he was leaner. What? What? What? - - NAPOLEON (_sitting down_) ... such dispositions! - Order! _Tête d’Armée!_ - (_Slight applause_) - - HEROD (_rises suddenly without being asked, crosses his - arms, glares, and shouts very loudly_). - Ha! Would you have Imperial hearing? Hounds! - I am that Herod which is he that am - The lonely Lebanonian (_interruption_) who despaired - In Deep Marsupial Dens ... (_cries of “Sit down!”_) - ... In dreadful hollows - To--(“_Sit down!_”)--tear great trees with the - teeth, and hurricanes--(“_Sit down!_”)-- - That shook the hills of Moab! - - CHORUS OF DEAD MEN--Oh! Sit down. - - (_He is swamped by the clamour, in the midst of which - Lucullus murmurs to himself_) - - LUCULLUS (_musing_)--The banquet’s done. There was a tribute drawn - Of anchovies and olives and of soup - In tins of conquered nations; subject whiting: - Saddle of mutton from the antipodes - Close on the walls of ice; Laponian pheasants; - Eggs of Canadian rebels, humbled now - To such obeisance--scrambled eggs--and butter - From Brittany enslaved, and the white bread - Hardened for heroes in the test of time, - Was California’s offering. But the cheese, - The cheese was ours.... Oh! but the glory faded - Of feasting at repletion mocks our arms - And threatens even Empire. - - (_Great noise of Vulgarians, a mob of people, heralds, - trumpets, flags. Enter_ VITELLIUS.) - - VITELLIUS-- I have dined! - But not with you. The master of the world - Has dined alone and at his own expense. - And oh!--I am almost too full for words-- - But oh! My lieges, I have used you well! - I have commanded fifteen hundred seats - And standing room for something like a thousand - To view my triumph over Nobody - Upon the limelit stage. - - HEROD-- Oh! rare Vitellius, - Oh! Prominent great Imperial ears! Oh! Mouth - To bellow largesse! Oh! And rolling Thunder, - And trains of smoke. And oh!... - - VITELLIUS-- Let in the vulgar - To see the master sight of their dull lives: - Great Cæsar putting on his overcoat. - And then, my loved companions, we’ll away - To see the real Herod in the Play. - - (_The Shades pass out in a crowd. In the street_ THEOCRITUS - _is heard singing in a voice that gets fainter and fainter - with distance...._) - - “Put me somewhere ea-heast of Su-hez, - W’ere the best is loi-hoike the worst-- - W’ere there hain’ no”--(_and so forth_). - - FINIS. - - -It is not enough to compose such appeals as may quicken the nation -to a perception of her peculiar mission; it is necessary to -paint for her guidance the abominations and weakness of foreign -countries. The young writer may be trusted to know his duty -instinctively in this matter, but should his moral perception be -blunted, a sharper argument will soon remind him of what he owes -to the Common Conscience of Christians. He that cannot write, -and write with zeal, upon the Balkans, or upon Finland, or upon -the Clerical trouble, or upon whatever lies before us to do for -righteousness, is not worthy of a place in English letters: the -public and his editor will very soon convince him of what he has -lost by an unmanly reticence. - -His comrades, who are content to deal with such matters as they -arise, will not be paid at a higher rate: but they will be paid -more often. They will not infrequently be paid from several -sources; they will have many opportunities for judging those -financial questions which are invariably mixed up with the great -battle against the Ultramontane, the Cossack and the Turk. In -Cairo, Frankfort, Pretoria, Mayfair, Shanghai, their latter days -confirm Dr. Caliban’s profound conclusion: “Whosoever works for -Humanity works, whether he know it or not, for himself as well.”[7] - -I earnestly beseech the reader of this text-book, especially if he -be young, to allow no false shame to modify his zeal in judging -the vileness of the Continent. We know whatever can be known; all -criticism or qualification is hypocrisy; all silence is cowardice. -There is work to be done. Let the writer take up his pen and -_write_. - -I had some little hesitation what model to put before the student. -This book does not profess to be more than an introduction to the -elements of our science; I therefore omitted what had first seemed -to me of some value, the letters written on a special commission -to Pondicherry during the plague and famine in that unhappy and -ill-governed remnant of a falling empire. The articles on the -tortures in the Phillipines were never printed, and might mislead. -I have preferred to show Priestcraft and Liberty in their eternal -struggle as they appeared to me in the character of Special -Commissioner for _Out and About_ during the troubles of 1901. It -is clear, and I think unbiassed; it opens indeed in that light -fashion which is a concession to contemporary journalism: but the -half-frivolous exterior conceals a permanent missionary purpose. -Its carefully collected array of facts give, I suggest, a vivid -picture of one particular battlefield; that whereon there rage -to-day the opposed forces which will destroy or save the French -people. The beginner could not have a better introduction to his -struggle against the infamies of Clericalism. Let him ask himself -(as Mr. Gardy, M.P., asked in a letter to _Out and About_) the -indignant question, “Could such things happen here in England?” - - -THE SHRINE OF ST. LOUP. - -My excellent good Dreyfusards, anti-Dreyfusards, Baptists, -Anabaptists, pre-Monstratentians, antiquaries, sterling fellows, -foreign correspondents, home-readers, historians, Nestorians, -philosophers, Deductionists, Inductionists, Prætorians (I forgot -those), Cæsarists, Lazarists, Catholics, Protestants, Agnostics -and militant atheists, as also all you Churchmen, Nonconformists, -Particularists, very strong secularists, and even you, my -well-beloved little brethren called The Peculiar People, give ear -attentively and listen to what is to follow, and you shall learn -more of a matter that has wofully disturbed you than ever you would -get from the _Daily Mail_ or from Mynheer van Damm, or even from -Dr. Biggies’ _Walks and Talks in France_. - -In an upper valley of the Dauphiné there is a village called -Lagarde. From this village, at about half-past four o’clock of a -pleasant June morning, there walked out with his herd one Jean -Rigors, a herdsman and half-wit. He had not proceeded very far -towards the pastures above the village, and the sun was barely -showing above the peak profanely called The Three Bishops, when he -had the fortune to meet the Blessed St. Loup, or Lupus, formerly -a hermit in that valley, who had died some fourteen hundred years -ago, but whose name, astonishing as it may seem to the author -of _The Justification of Fame_, is still remembered among the -populace. The Blessed Lupus admonished the peasant, recalling the -neglect into which public worship had fallen, reluctantly promised -a sign whereby it might be re-created among the faithful, and -pointed out a nasty stream of muddy water, one out of fifty that -trickled from the moss of the Alps. He then struck M. Rigors a -slight, or, as some accounts have it, a heavy, blow with his staff, -and disappeared in glory. - -Jean Rigors, who could not read or write, being a man over thirty, -and having therefore forgotten the excellent free lessons provided -by the Republic in primary schools, was not a little astonished -at the apparition. Having a care to tether a certain calf whom -he knew to be light-headed, he left the rest of the herd to its -own unerring instincts, and ran back to the village to inform the -parish priest of the very remarkable occurrence of which he had -been the witness or victim. He found upon his return that the -morning Mass, from which he had been absent off and on for some -seven years, was already at the Gospel, and attended to it with -quite singular devotion, until in the space of some seventeen -minutes he was able to meet the priest in the sacristy and inform -him of what had happened. - -The priest, who had heard of such miraculous appearances in other -villages, but (being a humble man, unfitted for worldly success -and idiotic in business matters) had never dared to hope that one -would be vouchsafed to his own cure, proceeded at once to the -source of the muddy streamlet, and (unhistorical as the detail -may seem to the author of _Our Old Europe, Whence and Whither_?) -neglected to reward the hind, who, indeed, did not expect pecuniary -remuneration, for these two excellent reasons:--First, that he knew -the priest to be by far the poorest man in the parish; secondly, -that he thought a revelation from the other world incommensurate -with money payments even to the extent of a five-franc piece. The -next Sunday (that is, three days afterwards) the priest, who had -previously informed his brethren throughout the Canton, preached -a sermon upon the decay of religion and the growing agnosticism -of the modern world--a theme which, as they had heard it publicly -since the Christian religion had been established by Constantine -in those parts and privately for one hundred and twenty-five years -before, his congregation received with some legitimate languor. -When, however, he came to what was the very gist of his remarks, -the benighted foreigners pricked up their ears (a physical atavism -impossible to our own more enlightened community), and Le Sieur -Rigors, who could still remember the greater part of the services -of the Church, was filled with a mixture of nervousness and pride, -while the good priest informed his hearers, in language that would -have been eloquent had he not been trained in the little seminary, -that the great St. Lupus himself had appeared to a devout member of -his parish and had pointed out to him a miraculous spring, for the -proper enshrinement of which he requested--nay, he demanded--the -contributions of the faithful. - -At that one sitting the excellent hierarch received no less a sum -than 1053 francs and 67 centimes; the odd two-centimes (a coin that -has disappeared from the greater part of France) being contributed -by a road-mender, who was well paid by the State, but who was in -the custom of receiving charity from tourists; the said tourists -being under the erroneous impression that he was a beggar. He also, -by the way, would entertain the more Anglo-Saxon of these with the -folk-lore of the district, in which his fertile imagination was -never at fault. - -It will seem astonishing to the author of _Village Communities in -Western Europe_ to hear of so large a sum as £40 being subscribed -by the congregation of this remote village, and it would seem -still more astonishing to him could he see the very large chapel -erected over the spring of St. Loup. I do not say that he would -understand the phenomenon, but I do say that he would become a -more perturbed and therefore a wiser man did he know the following -four facts:--(1) That the freehold value of the village and its -communal land, amounting to the sum of a poor £20,000, was not -in the possession of a landlord, but in that of these wretched -peasants. (2) That the one rich man of the neighbourhood, a retired -glove-maker, being also a fanatic, presented his subscriptions in -such a manner that they were never heard of. He had, moreover, an -abhorrence for the regulation of charity. (3) That the master mason -in the neighbouring town had in his youth been guilty of several -mortal sins, and was so weak as to imagine that a special tender -would in such a case make a kind of reparation; and (4) that the -labourers employed were too ignorant to cheat and too illiterate to -combine. - -The new shrine waxed and prospered exceedingly, and on the Thursday -following its dedication an epileptic, having made use of the -water, was restored to a normal, and even commonplace, state of -mind. On the Friday a girl, who said that she had been haunted -by devils (though until then no one had heard of the matter), -declared, upon drinking a cup from the spring of St. Loup, that -she was now haunted by angels--a very much pleasanter condition -of affairs. The Sunday following, the village usurer, who called -himself Bertollin, but who was known to be a wicked foreigner from -beyond the Alps, of the true name of Bertolino, ran into the inn -like one demented, and threw down the total of his ill-gotten gains -for the benefit of the shrine. They amounted, indeed, to but a -hundred francs, but then his clientèle were close and skin-flint, -as peasant proprietors and free men generally are the world over; -and it was well known that the cobbler, who had himself borrowed a -small sum for a month, and quadrupled it in setting up lodgings -for artists, had been unable to recover from the usurer the mending -of his boots. - -By this time the Bishop had got wind of the new shrine, and -wrote to the Curé of Lagarde a very strong letter, in which, -after reciting the terms of the Concordat, Clause 714 of the -Constitution and the decree of May 29th, 1854, he pointed out -that by all these and other fundamental or organic laws of the -Republic, he was master in his own diocese. He rebuked the curé -for the superstitious practice which had crept into his cure, -ordered the chapel to be used for none but ordinary purposes, and -issued a pastoral letter upon the evils of local superstitions. -This pastoral letter was read with unction and holy mirth in the -neighbouring monastery of Bernion (founded in defiance of the law -by the widow of a President of the Republic), but with sorrow and -without comment in the little church of Lagarde. - -The Minister of the Interior and the Minister of Public Worship, -each in his separate way, proceeded to stamp out this survival of -the barbaric period of Europe. The first by telling the Prefect to -tell the sub-Prefect to tell the Mayor that any attempt to levy -taxes in favour of the shrine would be administratively punished: -the second by writing a sharp official note to the Bishop for -not having acted on the very day that St. Loup appeared to the -benighted herdsman. The sub-Prefect came from the horrible town of -La Rochegayere and lunched with the Mayor, who was the donor of the -new stained-glass window in the church, and they talked about the -advantages of forcing the Government to construct a road through -the valley to accommodate the now numerous pilgrims; a subject -which the sub-Prefect, who was about to be promoted, approached -with official nonchalance, but the Mayor (who owned the principal -inn) with pertinacity and fervour. They then went out, the Mayor in -his tricolour scarf to lock up the gate in front of the holy well, -the sub-Prefect to escort his young wife to the presbytery, where -she left a gift of 500 francs: the sub-Prefect thought it improper -for a lady to walk alone. - -Upon the closure of the shrine a local paper (joint property of -the Bishop and a railway contractor) attacked the atheism of -the Government. A local duchess, who was ignorant of the very -terminology of religion, sent a donation of five thousand francs to -the curé; with this the excellent man built a fine approach to the -new chapel, “which,” as he sorrowfully and justly observed, “the -faithful may approach, though an atheistic Government forbids the -use of the shrine.” That same week, by an astonishing accident, the -Ministry was overturned; the Minister of the Interior was compelled -to retire into private life, and lived dependent upon his uncle (a -Canon of Rheims). The Minister of Public Worship (who had become -increasingly unpopular through the growth of anti-Semitic feeling) -took up his father’s money-lending business at Antwerp. - -Next week the lock and seals were discovered to have been in some -inexplicable way removed from the gate of the well and (by Article -893 of the Administrative Code) before they could be replaced an -action was necessary at the assize-town of Grenoble. This action -(by the Order of 1875 on Law Terms) could not take place for six -months; and in that interval an astonishing number of things -happened at Lagarde. - -An old Sapper General, who had devised the special obturator for -light quick-firing guns, and who was attached to the most backward -superstitions, came in full uniform to the Chapel and gave the -shrine 10,000 francs: a mysteriously large endowment, as this sum -was nearly half his income, and he had suffered imprisonment in -youth for his Republican opinions. He said it was for the good -of his soul, but the editor of the _Horreur_ knew better, and -denounced him. He was promptly retired upon a pension about a third -greater than that to which he was legally entitled, and received -by special secret messenger from the Minister of War an earnest -request to furnish a memorandum on the fortifications of the Isère -and to consider himself inspector, upon mobilisation, of that -important line of defence. - -Two monks, who had walked all the way from Spain, settled in a -house near the well. A pilgrim, who had also evidently come from a -prodigious distance on foot, but gave false information as to his -movements, was arrested by the police and subsequently released. -The arrest was telegraphed to the _Times_ and much commented upon, -but the suicide of a prominent London solicitor and other important -news prevented any mention of his release. - -A writer of great eminence, who had been a leading sceptic all his -life, stayed at Lagarde for a month and became a raving devotee. -His publishers (MM. Hermann Khan) punished him by refusing to -receive his book upon the subject; but by some occult influence, -probably that of the Jesuits, he was paid several hundreds for -it by the firm of Zadoc et Cie; ten years afterwards he died of -a congested liver, a catastrophe which some ascribed to a Jewish -plot, and others treated as a proof that his intellect had long -been failing. - -A common peasant fellow, that had been paralysed for ten years, -bathed in the water and walked away in a sprightly fashion -afterwards. This was very likely due to his ignorance, for a doctor -who narrowly watched the whole business has proved that he did -not know the simplest rudiments of arithmetic or history, and how -should such a fellow understand so difficult a disease as paralysis -of the Taric nerve--especially if it were (as the doctor thought -quite evident) complicated by a stricture of the Upper Dalmoid? - -Two deaf women were, as is very commonly the case with enthusiasts -of this kind, restored to their hearing; for how long we do not -know, as their subsequent history was not traced for more than five -years. - -A dumb boy talked, but in a very broken fashion, and as he had a -brother a priest and another brother in the army, trickery was -suspected. - -An English merchant, who had some trouble with his eyes, bathed -in the water at the instance of a sister who desired to convert -him. He could soon see so well that he was able to write to the -_Freethinker_ an account of his healing, called “The Medicinal -Springs of Lagarde,” but, as he has subsequently gone totally -blind, the momentary repute against ophthalmia which the water -might have obtained was nipped in the bud. - -What was most extraordinary of all, a very respectable director -of a railway came to the village quietly, under an assumed name, -and, after drinking the water, made a public confession of the most -incredible kind and has since become a monk. His son, to whom he -made over his whole fortune, had previously instituted a demand -at law to be made guardian of his estates; but, on hearing of his -father’s determination to embrace religion, he was too tolerant to -pursue the matter further. - -To cut a long story short, as Homer said when he abruptly closed -the _Odyssey_, some 740 cases of miraculous cures occurred -between the mysterious opening of the gates and the date for -the trial at Grenoble. In that period a second and much larger -series of buildings had begun to arise; the total property -involved in the case amounted to 750,000 francs, and (by clause -61 of the Regulation on Civil Tribunals) the local court of -assize was no longer competent. Before, however, the case could -be removed to Paris, the assent of the Grenoble bench had to be -formally obtained, and this, by the singularly Republican rule of -“_Non-avant_” (instituted by Louis XI.), took just two years. -By that time the new buildings were finished, eight priests were -attached to the Church, a monastery of seventy-two monks, five -hotels, a golf links, and a club were in existence. The total taxes -paid by Lagarde to the Treasury amounted to half-a-million francs a -year. - -The Government had become willing (under the “Compromise of -’49,” which concerns Departments _v._ the State in the matter -of internal communications) to build a fine, great road up to -Lagarde. There was also a railway, a Custom House, and a project of -sub-prefecture. Moreover, in some underhand way or other, several -hundred people a month were cured of various ailments, from the -purely subjective (such as buzzing in the ears) to those verging -upon the truly objective (such as fracture of the knee-pan or the -loss of an eye). - -The Government is that of a practical and commonsense people. It -will guide or protect, but it cannot pretend to coerce. Lagarde -therefore flourishes, the Bishop is venerated, the monastery -grumbles in silence, and there is some talk of an Hungarian -journalist, born in Constantinople, whose father did time for -cheating in the Russian Army, writing one of his fascinating -anti-religious romances in nine hundred pages upon the subject. You -will learn far more from such a book than you can possibly learn -from the narrow limits of the above. - - - - -THE SHORT STORY. - - - - -THE SHORT STORY. - - -The short story is the simplest of all forms of literary -composition. It is at the same time by far the most lucrative. It -has become (to use one of Dr. Caliban’s most striking phrases) -“part of the atmosphere of our lives.” In a modified form, it -permeates our private correspondence, our late Baron Reuter’s -telegraphic messages, the replies of our cabinet ministers, -the rulings of our judges; and it has become inseparable from -affirmations upon oath before Magistrates, Registrars, Coroners, -Courts of Common Jurisdiction, Official Receivers, and all others -qualified under 17 Vic. 21, Caps. 2 and 14; sub-section III. - -To return to the short story. Its very reason for being (_raison -d’être_) is simplicity. It suits our strenuous, active race; nor -would I waste the student’s time by recalling the fact that, in -the stagnant civilization of China, a novel or play deals with the -whole of the hero’s life, in its minutest details, through seventy -years. The contrast conveys an awful lesson! - -Let us confine ourselves, however, to the purpose of these lines, -and consider the short story; for it is the business of every true -man to do what lies straight before him as honestly and directly as -he can. - -The Short Story, on account of its simplicity, coupled with the -high rates of pay attached to it, attracts at the outset the -great mass of writers. Several are successful, and in their eager -rapture (I have but to mention John and Mary Hitherspoon) produce -such numerous examples of this form of art, that the student may -ask what more I have to teach him? In presenting a model for his -guidance, and reproducing the great skeleton lines upon which the -Short Story is built up, I would remind my reader that it is my -function to instruct and his to learn; and I would warn him that -even in so elementary a branch of letters as is this, “pride will -have a fall.” - -It is not necessary to dwell further upon this unpleasant aspect of -my duty. - -Let us first consider where the writer of the Short Story stands -before the Law. What is her Legal Position as to (_a_) the length, -(_b_) the plot of a short story which she may have contracted to -deliver on a certain date to a particular publisher, editor, agent, -or creditor? The following two decisions apply:-- - - [Sidenote: =Mabworthy v. Crawley.=] - - _Mabworthy v. Crawley._--Mrs. Mabworthy brought an action against - Crawley & Co. to recover payment due for a short story ordered of - her by defendant. Defendant pleaded lack of specific performance, - as story dealt with gradual change of spiritual outlook, during - forty years, of maiden lady inhabiting Ealing. It was held by Mr. - Justice Pake that the subject so treated was not of “ordinary - length.” Judgment for the defendant. Mrs. Mabworthy, prompted - by her sex, fortune, and solicitor to appeal, the matter was - brought before the Court of Appeal, which decided that the word - “ordinary” was equivalent to the word “reasonable.” Judgment for - the defendant, with costs. Mrs. Mabworthy, at the instigation of - the Devil, sold a reversion and carried the matter to the House - of Lords, where it was laid down that “a Short Story should be of - such length as would be found tolerable by any man of ordinary - firmness and courage.” Judgment for the defendant. - -The next case is the case of-- - - [Sidenote: =Gibson v. Acle.=] - - _Gibson v. Acle._--In this case, Mr. Phillip Gibson, the - well-known publisher, brought an action for the recovery of a - sum of £3. 10_s._, advanced to Miss Acle, of “The Wolfcote,” - Croydon, in consideration of her contracting to supply a short - story, with regard to the manuscript of which he maintained, - upon receiving it, that (1) it was not a story, and (2) it was - not technically “short,” as it filled but eighteen lines in the - very large type known as grand pica. Three very important points - were decided in this case; for the Judge (Mr. Justice Veale, - brother of Lord Burpham) maintained, with sturdy common sense, - that if a publisher bought a manuscript, no matter what, so long - as it did not offend common morals or the public security of the - realm, he was bound to “print, comfort, cherish, defend, enforce, - push, maintain, advertize, circulate, and make public the same”; - and he was supported in the Court of Crown Cases Reserved in his - decision that: - - _First_: the word “short” was plainly the more applicable the - less lengthy were the matter delivered: and - - _Secondly_: the word “story” would hold as a definition for any - concoction of words whatsoever, of which it could be proved that - it was built up of separate sentences, such sentences each to - consist of at least one predicate and one verb, real or imaginary. - -Both these decisions are quite recent, and may be regarded as the -present state of the law on the matter. - -Once the legal position of the author is grasped, it is necessary -to acquire the five simple rules which govern the Short Story. - -1st. It should, as a practical matter apart from the law, contain -some incident. - -2nd. That incident should take place on the sea, or in brackish, or -at least tidal, waters. - -3rd. The hero should be English-speaking, white or black. - -4th. His adventures should be horrible; but no kind of moral should -be drawn from them, unless it be desired to exalt the patriotism of -the reader. - -5th. Every short story should be divided by a “Cæsura”: that is, it -should break off sharp in the middle, and you have then the choice -of three distinct courses: - -(_a_). To stop altogether--as is often done by people who die, and -whose remains are published. - -(_b_). To go on with a totally different subject. This method -is not to be commended to the beginner. It is common to rich or -popular writers; and even they have commonly the decency to put in -asterisks. - -(_c_). To go on with your story where it left off, as I have done -in the model which follows. - -That model was constructed especially with the view to guide -the beginner. Its hero is a fellow subject, white--indeed, an -Englishman. The scene is laid in water, not perhaps salt, but at -least brackish. The adventure preys upon the mind. The moral is -doubtful: the Cæsura marked and obvious. Moreover, it begins in the -middle, which (as I omitted to state above) is the very hall-mark -of the Vivid Manner. - - -THE ACCIDENT TO MR. THORPE. - -When Mr. Thorpe, drysalter, of St. Mary Axe, E.C., fell into the -water, it was the opinion of those who knew him best that he would -be drowned. I say “those who knew him best” because, in the crowd -that immediately gathered upon the embankment, there were present -not a few of his friends. They had been walking home together on -this fine evening along the river side, and now that Mr. Thorpe was -in such peril, not one could be got to do more than lean upon the -parapet shouting for the police, though they should have known how -useless was that body of men in any other than its native element. -Alas! how frail a thing is human friendship, and how terribly does -misfortune bring it to the test. - -How had Mr. Thorpe fallen into the water? I am not surprised at -your asking that question. It argues a very observant, critical, -and accurate mind; a love of truth; a habit of weighing evidence; -and altogether a robust, sturdy, practical, Anglo-Saxon kind -of an attitude, that does you credit. You will not take things -on hearsay, and there is no monkish credulity about you. I -congratulate you. You say (and rightly) that Honest Merchants do -not fall into the Thames for nothing, the thing is unusual; you -want (very properly) to know how it happened, or, as you call it, -“occurred.” I cannot tell you. I was not there at the time. All I -know is, that he did fall in, and that, as matter of plain fact -(and you are there to judge fact, remember, not law), Mr. Thorpe -was at 6.15 in the evening of June 7th, 1892, floundering about in -the water a little above Cleopatra’s Needle; and there are a cloud -of witnesses. - -It now behoves me to detail with great accuracy the circumstances -surrounding his immersion, the degree of danger that he ran, and -how he was saved. In the first place, Mr. Thorpe fell in at the -last of the ebb, so that there was no tide to sweep him out to -sea; in the second place, the depth of water at that spot was -exactly five feet two inches, so that he could--had he but known -it--have walked ashore (for he was, of course, over six feet in -height); in the third place, the river has here a good gravelly -bed, as you ought to know, for the clay doesn’t begin till you get -beyond Battersea Bridge--and, by the way, this gravel accounts -for the otherwise inexplicable phenomenon of the little boys that -will dive for pennies at low tide opposite the shot tower; in the -fourth place, the water, as one might have imagined at that season -of the year, was warm and comfortable; in the fifth place, there -lay but a few yards from him a Police Pier, crowded with lines, -lifebuoys, boats, cork-jackets, and whatnot, and decorated, as to -its Main Room, with a large placard entitled “First help to the -drowning,” the same being illustrated with cuts, showing a man -of commonplace features fallen into the hands of his religious -opponents and undergoing the torture. Therefore it is easy to see -that he could have either saved himself or have been saved by -others without difficulty. Indeed, for Mr. Thorpe to have drowned, -it would have been necessary for him to have exercised the most -determined self-control, and to have thought out the most elaborate -of suicidal plans; and, as a fact, he was within forty-three -seconds of his falling in pulled out again by a boat-hook, which -was passed through the back of his frock coat: and that is a lesson -in favour of keeping one’s coat buttoned up like a gentleman, -and not letting it flap open like an artist or an anarchist, or -a fellow that writes for the papers. But I digress. The point -is, that Mr. Thorpe was immediately saved, and there (you might -think) was an end of the matter. Indeed, the thing seems to come -to a conclusion of its own, and to be a kind of epic, for it has a -beginning where Mr. Thorpe falls into the water (and, note you, the -beginning of all epics is, or should be, out of the text); it has -a middle or “action,” where Mr. Thorpe is floundering about like -a sea monster, and an end, where he is pulled out again. They are -of larger scope than this little story, and written in a pompous -manner, yet the _Iliad_, the _Æneid_, Abbo’s _Siege of Paris_, the -_Chanson de Roland_, _Orlando Furioso_, _Thalaba the Destroyer_, -and Mr. Davidson’s shorter lyrics have no better claim to be epics -in their essentials than has this relation of _The Accident to Mr. -Thorpe_. So, then (you say), that is the end; thank you for the -story; we are much obliged. If ever you have another simple little -story to tell, pray publish it at large, and do not keep it for -the exquisite delight of your private circle. We thank you again a -thousand times. Good morrow. - -Softly, softly. I beg that there may be no undue haste or sharp -conclusions; there is something more to come. Sit you down and -listen patiently. Was there ever an epic that was not continued? -Did not the Rhapsodists of Cos piece together the _Odyssey_ after -their successful _Iliad_? Did not Dionysius Paracelsus write a -tail to the _Æneid_? Was not the _Chanson de Roland_ followed by -the _Four Sons of Aymon_? Could Southey have been content with -Thalaba had he not proceeded to write the adventures in America of -William ap Williams, or some other Welshman whose name I forget? -Eh? Well, in precisely the same manner, I propose to add a second -and completing narrative to this of Mr. Thorpe’s accident; so let -us have no grumbling. - -And to understand what kind of thing followed his fall into the -water, I must explain to you that nothing had ever happened to -Mr. Thorpe before; he had never sailed a boat, never ridden a -horse, never had a fight, never written a book, never climbed a -mountain--indeed, I might have set out in a long litany, covering -several pages, the startling, adventurous, and dare-devil things -that Mr. Thorpe had never done; and were I to space out my work so, -I should be well in the fashion, for does not the immortal Kipling -(who is paid by the line) repeat his own lines half-a-dozen times -over, and use in profusion the lines of well-known ballads? He -does; and so have I therefore the right to space and stretch my -work in whatever fashion will spin out the space most fully; and if -I do not do so, it is because I am as eager as you can possibly be -to get to the end of this chronicle. - -Well then, nothing had ever happened to Mr. Thorpe before, and -what was the result? Why that this aqueous adventure of his began -to grow and possess him as you and I are possessed by our more -important feats, by our different distant journeys, our bold -speculations, our meeting with grand acquaintances, our outwitting -of the law; and I am sorry to say that Mr. Thorpe in a very short -time began to lie prodigiously. The symptoms of this perversion -first appeared a few days after the accident, at a lunch which he -attended (with the other directors of the Marine Glue Company) -in the City. The company was in process of negotiating a very -difficult piece of business, that required all the attention of the -directors, and, as is usual under such circumstances, they fell to -telling amusing tales to one another. One of them had just finished -his story of how a nephew of his narrowly escaped lynching at -Leadville, Colorado, when Mr. Thorpe, who had been making ponderous -jokes all the morning, was suddenly observed to grow thoughtful, -and (after first ascertaining with some care that there was no -one present who had seen him fall in) he astonished the company -by saying: “I cannot hear of such escapes from death without awe. -It was but the other day that I was saved as by a miracle from -drowning.” Then he added, after a little pause, “My whole life -seemed to pass before me in a moment.” - -Now this was not true. Mr. Thorpe’s mind at the moment he referred -to had been wholly engrossed by the peculiar sensation that follows -the drinking of a gallon of water suddenly when one is not in the -least thirsty; but he had already told the tale so often, that he -was fully persuaded of it, and, by this time, believed that his -excellent and uneventful life had been presented to him as it is to -the drowning people in books. - -His fall was rapid. He grew in some vague way to associate his -adventure with the perils of the sea. Whenever he crossed the -Channel he would draw some fellow passenger into a conversation, -and, having cunningly led it on to the subject of shipwreck, would -describe the awful agony of battling with the waves, and the -outburst of relief on being saved. At first he did not actually -say that he had himself struggled in the vast and shoreless seas -of the world, but bit by bit the last shreds of accuracy left him, -and he took to painting with minute detail in his conversations the -various scenes of his danger and salvation. Sometimes it was in the -“steep water off the Banks;” sometimes in “the glassy steaming seas -and on the feverish coast of the Bight;” sometimes it was “a point -or two norr’ard of the Owers light”--but it was always terrible, -graphic, and a lie. - -This habit, as it became his unique preoccupation, cost him not a -little. He lost his old friends who had seen his slight adventure, -and he wasted much time in spinning these yarns, and much money in -buying books of derring-do and wild ’scapes at sea. He loved those -who believed his stories to be true, and shocked the rare minds -that seemed to catch in them a suspicion of exaggeration. He could -not long frequent the same society, and he strained his mind a -little out of shape by the perpetual necessity of creative effort. -None the less, I think that, on the whole, he gained. It made him -an artist: he saw great visions of heaving waters at night; he -really had, in fancy, faced death in a terrible form, and this gave -him a singular courage in his last moments. He said to the doctor, -with a slight calm smile, “Tell me the worst; I have been through -things far more terrifying than this;” and when he was offered -consolation by his weeping friends, he told them that “no petty -phrases of ritual devotion were needed to soothe a man who had -been face to face with Nature in her wildest moods.” So he died, -comforted by his illusion, and for some days after the funeral his -sister would hold him up to his only and favourite nephew as an -example of a high and strenuous life lived with courage, and ended -in heroic quiet. Then they all went to hear the will read. - -But the will was the greatest surprise of all. For it opened with -these words:-- - - “Having some experience of the perils they suffer that go down to - the sea in ships, and of the blessedness of unexpected relief and - rescue, I, John Curtall Thorpe, humbly and gratefully reminiscent - of my own wonderful and miraculous snatching from the jaws of - death ...” - -And it went on to leave the whole property (including the little -place in Surrey), in all (after Sir William Vernon Harcourt’s death -duties had been paid) some £69,337. 6_s._ 3_d._ to the Lifeboat -Fund, which badly needed it. Nor was there any modifying codicil -but one, whereby the sum of £1000, free of duty, was left to -Sylvester Sarassin, a poetic and long-haired young man, who had for -years attended to his tales with reverent attention, and who had, -indeed, drawn up, or “Englished” (as he called it), the remarkable -will of the testator. - -Many other things that followed this, the law-suit, the quarrel -of the nephew with Sarassin, and so forth, I would relate had I -the space or you the patience. But it grows late; the oil in the -bulb is exhausted. The stars, which (in the beautiful words of -Theocritus) “tremble and always follow the quiet wheels of the -night,” warn me that it is morning. Farewell. - - - - -THE SHORT LYRIC. - - - - -THE SHORT LYRIC. - - -Many Guides to Literature give no rules for the manufacture of -short lyrics, and nearly all of them omit to furnish the student -with an example of this kind of composition. - -The cause of this unfortunate neglect (as I deem it) is not far -to seek. Indeed in one Text Book (Mrs. Railston’s _Book for -Beginners_. Patteson. 12_s._ 6_d._) it is set down in so many -words. “The Short Lyric,” says Mrs. Railston in her preface, “is -practically innocent of pecuniary value. Its construction should be -regarded as a pastime rather than as serious exercise; and even for -the purposes of recreation, its fabrication is more suited to the -leisure of a monied old age than to the struggle of eager youth, or -the full energies of a strenuous manhood” (p. xxxiv.). - -The judgment here pronounced is surely erroneous. The short Lyric -is indeed not very saleable (though there are exceptions even -to that rule--the first Lord Tennyson is said to have received -£200 for _The Throstle_); it is (I say) not very saleable, but -it is of great indirect value to the writer, especially in early -youth. A reputation can be based upon a book of short lyrics -which will in time procure for its author Reviewing work upon -several newspapers, and sometimes, towards his fortieth year, -the editorship of a magazine; later in life it will often lead -to a pension, to the command of an army corps, or even to the -governorship of a colony. - -I feel, therefore, no hesitation in describing at some length the -full process of its production, or in presenting to the student a -careful plan of the difficulties which will meet him at the outset. - -To form a proper appreciation of these last, it is necessary to -grasp the fundamental fact that they all proceed from the inability -of busy editors and readers to judge the quality of verse; hence -the rebuffs and delays that so often overcast the glorious morning -of the Poetic Soul. - -At the risk of some tedium--for the full story is of considerable -length--I will show what is their nature and effect, in the shape -of a relation of what happened to Mr. Peter Gurney some years ago, -before he became famous. - -Mr. Peter Gurney (I may say it without boasting) is one of my -most intimate friends. He is, perhaps, the most brilliant of that -brilliant group of young poets which includes Mr. John Stewart, Mr. -Henry Hawk, &c., and which is known as the “Cobbley school,” from -the fact that their historic meeting-ground was the house of Mr. -Thomas Cobbley, himself no mean poet, but especially a creative, -seminal critic, and uncle of Mr. Gurney. But to my example and -lesson:-- - -Mr. Gurney was living in those days in Bloomsbury, and was occupied -in reading for the bar. - -He was by nature slothful and unready, as is indeed the sad habit -of literary genius; he rose late, slept long, eat heartily, drank -deeply, read newspapers, began things he never finished, and wrote -the ending of things whose beginnings he never accomplished; in a -word, he was in every respect the man of letters. He looked back -continually at the stuff he had written quite a short time before, -and it always made him hesitate in his opinion of what he was -actually engaged in. It was but six months before the events herein -set down that he had written-- - - “The keep of the unconquerable mind”-- - -only to discover that it was clap-trap and stolen from Wordsworth -at that. How, then, could he dare send off the sonnet-- - - “If all intent of unsubstantial art”-- - -and perhaps get it printed in the _Nineteenth Century_ or the -_North American Review_, when (for all he knew) it might really be -very poor verse indeed? - -These two things, then, his sloth and his hesitation in criticism, -prevented Peter from sending out as much as he should have done. -But one fine day of last summer, a kind of music passed into him -from universal nature, and he sat down and wrote these remarkable -lines:-- - - “He is not dead; the leaders do not die, - But rather, lapt in immemorial ease - Of merit consummate, they passing, stand; - And rapt from rude reality, remain; - And in the flux and eddy of time, are still. - Therefore I call it consecrated sand - Wherein they left their prints, nor overgrieve: - An heir of English earth let English earth receive.” - -He had heard that _Culture_ of Boston, Mass., U.S.A., paid more for -verse than any other review, so he sent it off to that address, -accompanied by a very earnest little letter, calling the gem -“Immortality,” and waiting for the answer. - -The editor of _Culture_ is a businesslike man, who reads his -English mail on the quay at New York, and takes stamped envelopes -and rejection forms down with him to the steamers. - -He looked up Peter’s name in the _Red Book_, _Who’s Who_, _Burke_, -the _Court Guide_, and whatnot, and finding it absent from all -these, he took it for granted that there was no necessity for any -special courtesies; Peter therefore, fifteen days after sending off -his poem, received an envelope whose stamp illustrated the conquest -of the Philippines by an Armed Liberty, while in the top left-hand -corner were printed these simple words: “If not delivered within -three days, please return to Box 257, Boston, Mass., U.S.A.” - -He was very pleased to get this letter. It was the first reply he -had ever got from an editor, and he took it up unopened to the -Holborn, to read it during lunch. But there was very little to -read. The original verse had folded round it a nice half-sheet of -cream-laid notepaper, with a gold _fleur de lis_ in the corner, and -underneath the motto, “Devoir Fera”; then, in the middle of the -sheet, three or four lines of fine copperplate engraving, printed -also in gold, and running as follows:-- - - “The editor of _Culture_ regrets that he is unable to accept the - enclosed contribution; it must not be imagined that any adverse - criticism or suggestion is thereby passed upon the work; pressure - of space, the previous acceptation of similar matter, and other - causes having necessarily to be considered.” - -Peter was so much encouraged by this, that he sent his verses at -once to Mr. McGregor, changing, however, the word “rude” in the -fourth line to “rough,” and adding a comma after “rapt,” points -insignificant in themselves perhaps, but indicative of a critic’s -ear, and certain (as he thought) to catch the approval of the -distinguished scholar. In twenty-four hours he got his reply in the -shape of an affectionate letter, enclosing his MSS.:-- - - “My dear Peter, - - “No; I should be doing an injustice to my readers if I were - to print your verse in the _Doctrinaire_; but you must not - be discouraged by this action on my part. You are still very - young, and no one who has followed (as you may be sure I have) - your brilliant career at the University can doubt your ultimate - success in whatever profession you undertake. But the path of - letters is a stony one, and the level of general utility in such - work is only reached by the most arduous efforts. I saw your - Aunt Phœbe the other day, and she was warm in your praises. She - told me you were thinking of becoming an architect; I sincerely - hope you will, for I believe you have every aptitude for that - profession. Plod on steadily and I will go warrant for your - writing verse with the best of them. It is _inevitable_, my dear - Peter, that one’s early verse should be imitative and weak; but - you have the ‘inner voice,’ do but follow the gleam and never - allow your first enthusiasms to grow dim. - - “Always your Father’s Old Friend, - “ARCHIBALD WELLINGTON MCGREGOR.” - - -Peter was a little pained by this; but he answered it very -politely, inviting himself to lunch on the following Thursday, and -then, turning to his verses, he gave the title “Dead,” and sent -them to the _Patriot_, from whom he got no reply for a month. - -He then wrote to the editor of the _Patriot_ on a postcard, and -said that, in view of the present deplorable reaction in politics, -he feared the verses, if they were held over much longer, would -lose their point. Would the _Patriot_ be so kind, then, as to let -him know what they proposed to do with the Poem? - -He got a reply the same evening:-- - - “Telephone 239. “36A, Clare Market, - “Telegraph, ‘Vindex.’ “W.C. - - “Dr. Sir, - - “Your estd. favor to hand. No stamp being enclosed with verses, - we have retained same, but will forward on receipt of two stamps, - including cost of this. - - “Faithfully yrs., - “ALPHONSE RIPHRAIM. - “Please note change of address.” - - -By this Peter Gurney was so angered, that he walked straight over -to his club, rang up No. 239, and told the editor of the _Patriot_, -personally, by word of mouth, and with emphasis, that he was a -Pro-Boer; then he rang off before that astonished foreigner had -time to reply. - -But men of Mr. Peter Gurney’s stamp are not cast down by these -reverses. He remembered one rather low and insignificant sheet -called the _Empire_, in which a vast number of unknown names had -been appearing at the bottom of ballads, sonnets, and so forth, -dealing mainly with the foreign policy of Great Britain, to which -country (as being their native land) the writers were apparently -warmly attached. - -Peter Gurney flattered himself that he understood why the _Empire_ -made a speciality of beginners. It was a new paper with little -capital, and thought (wisely enough) that if it printed many such -juvenilia it would, among the lot, strike some vein of good verse. -He had heard of such ventures in journalism, and remembered being -told that certain sonnets of Mr. Lewis Morris, and even the earlier -poems of Tennyson, were thus buried away in old magazines. He -copied out his verses once more, gave them the new title “Aspiro,” -and sent them to the _Empire_. He got a very polite letter in -reply:-- - - “Dear Mr. ---- I have read your verses with much pleasure, and - see by them that the praise I have heard on all sides of your - unpublished work was not unmerited. Unfortunately, the _Empire_ - cannot afford to pay anything for its verse; and so large has - been the demand upon our space, that we have been compelled to - make it a rule that all contributions of this nature should pay - a slight premium to obtain a space in our columns. But for this - it would be impossible to distinguish between competitors without - the risk of heartburnings and petty jealousies. We enclose our - scale of charges, which are (as you see) purely nominal, and - remain, awaiting your order to print, - - “Yours truly, - “WILLIAM POWER.” - - -I need hardly tell you that Peter, on receiving this letter, put -two farthings into an envelope addressed to William Power, and was -careful not to register or stamp it. - -As for his Poem, he changed the title to “They Live!” and sent -it to the editor of _Criticism_. Next day he was not a little -astonished to get his verses back, folded up in the following -waggish letter:-- - - “The Laurels, - “20, Poplar Grove, - “S.W. - - “Monday, the 21st of April. - - “Sir, - - “I am directed by the editor - To say that lack of space and press of matter - Forbid his using your delightful verses, - Which, therefore, he returns. Believe me still - Very sincerely yours, Nathaniel Pickersgill.” - -Now not a little disconsolate, young Mr. Gurney went out into the -street, and thought of _Shavings_ as a last chance. _Shavings_ gave -a guinea to the best poem on a given subject, and printed some -of the others sent in. This week he remembered the subject was a -eulogy of General Whitelock. He did not hesitate, therefore, to -recast his poem, and to call it a “Threnody” on that commander, -neglecting, by a poetic fiction, the fact that he was alive, and -even looking well after his eight months of hard work against the -Warra-Muggas. He went into the great buildings where _Shavings_ -is edited, and saw a young man opening with immense rapidity a -hand-barrowful of letters, while a second sorted them with the -speed of lightning, and a third tied them into neat bundles of -five hundred each, and placed them in pigeon-holes under their -respective initial letters. - -“Pray, sir,” said Peter to the first of these three men, “what are -you doing?” “I am,” replied the functionary, “just finishing my -week’s work” (for it was a Saturday morning), “and in the course -of these four hours alone I am proud to say that I have opened no -less than seven thousand three hundred and two poems on our great -Leader, some of which, indeed, have been drawn from the principal -English poets, but the greater part of which are, I am glad to say, -original.” - -Embittered by such an experience, my friend Gurney returned to -his home, and wrote that same afternoon the Satire on Modern -Literature, in which he introduces his own verses as an example and -warning, and on which, as all the world knows, his present fame -reposes. - -To-day everyone who reads these lines is envious of Mr. Peter -Gurney’s fame. He is the leader of the whole Cobbley school, the -master of his own cousin, Mr. Peter Davey, and without question the -model upon which Mr. Henry Hawk, Mr. Daniel Witton, and Mr. John -Stuart have framed their poetic manner. He suffered and was strong. -He condescended to prose, and kept his verse in reserve. The result -no poet can ignore. - -I should but mislead the student were I to pretend that Mr. Peter -Gurney achieved his present reputation--a reputation perhaps -somewhat exaggerated, but based upon real merit and industry--by -any spontaneous effort. Hard, regular, unflinching labour in this, -as in every other profession, is the condition of success. But the -beginner may say (and with justice), “It is not enough to tell me -to work; how should I set about it? What rules should I follow?” -Let me pursue my invariable custom, and set down in the simplest -and most methodical form the elements of the Short Lyric. - -The student will, at some time or another, have suffered strong -emotions. He will have desired to give them metrical form. He -will have done so--and commonly he will have gone no further. I -have before as I write a verse, the opening of one of the most -unsuccessful poems ever written. It runs:-- - - “I am not as my fathers were, - I cannot pass from sleep to sleep, - Or live content to drink the deep - Contentment of the common air.” - -This is very bad. It is bad because it proceeded from a deep -emotion only, and shot out untrammelled. It has no connection with -verse as an art, and yet that art lies open for any young man who -will be patient and humble, and who will _learn_. - -His first business is to decide at once between the only two styles -possible in manufactured verse, the Obscure and the Prattling. I -say “the _only_ two styles” because I don’t think you can tackle -the Grandiose, and I am quite certain you couldn’t manage the -Satiric. I know a young man in Red Lion Square who can do the -Grandiose very well, and I am going to boom him when I think the -time has come; but the Student-in-Ordinary cannot do it, so he may -put it out of his head. - -I will take the Simple or Prattling style first. Choose a subject -from out of doors, first because it is the fashion, and secondly -because you can go and observe it closely. For you must know that -manufactured verse is very like drawing, and in both arts you have -to take a model and be careful of details. Let us take (_e.g._) a -Pimpernel. - -A Pimpernel is quite easy to write about; it has remarkable habits, -it is not gross or common. It would be much harder to write about -grass, for instance, or parsley. - -First you write down anything that occurs to you, like this:-- - - “Pretty little Pimpernel, - May I learn to love you well?” - -You continue on the style of “Twinkle, twinkle.” - - “Hiding in the mossy shade, - Like a lamp of ¯˘ made, - Or a gem by fairies dropt - In their ...” - -and there you stick, just as you had got into the style of the -“L’Allegro.” I have no space or leisure to give the student the -full treatment of so great a subject, how he would drag in the -closing and opening of the flower, and how (skilfully avoiding the -word “dell”) he would end his ten or fifteen lines by a repetition -of the first (an essential feature of the Prattling style). I will -confine myself to showing him what may be made of these ridiculous -six lines. - -The first has an obvious fault. It runs too quickly, and one falls -all over it. We will keep “Little” and put it first, so one might -write “Little Purple Pimpernel.” But even that won’t do, though the -alliteration is well enough. What change can we make? - -It is at this point that I must introduce you to a most perfect -principle. It is called the Mutation of Adjectives--it is almost -the whole art of Occ. verse. This principle consists in pulling -out one’s first obvious adjective, and replacing it by another of -similar length, _chosen because it is peculiar_. You must not put -in an adjective that could not possibly apply; for instance, you -must not speak of the “Ponderous Rabbit” or the “Murky Beasts;” -your adjective must be applicable, but it must be startling, as -“The Tolerant Cow,” “The Stammering Minister,” or “The Greasy -Hill”--all quite true and most unexpected. - -Now, here it is evident that Purple is commonplace. What else can -we find about the Pimpernel that is quite true and yet really -startling? Let us (for instance) call it “tasteless.” There you -have it, “Little tasteless Pimpernel”--no one could read that too -quickly, and it shows at the same time great knowledge of nature. - -I will not weary you with every detail of the process, but I will -write down _my_ result after all the rules have been properly -attended to. Read this, and see whether the lines do not fit with -my canons of art, especially in what is called the “choice of -words:”-- - - “Little tasteless Pimpernel, - Shepherd’s Holt and warning spell - Crouching in the cushat shade - Like a mond of mowry made....” - -and so forth. There you have a perfect little gem. Nearly all the -words are curious and well chosen, and yet the metre trips along -like a railway carriage. The simplicity lies in the method; the -quaint diction is quarried from Mr. Skeats’ excellent book on -etymology; but I need not point out any particular work, as your -“Thesaurus” in this matter is for your own choosing. - -So much for the Prattling style. - -As for the Obscure style, it is so easy that it is getting -overdone, and I would not depend too much upon it. - -In its origins, it was due to the vagaries of some gentlemen and -ladies who suffered from an imperfect education, and wrote as they -felt, without stopping to think. - -But that first holy rapture cannot be recovered. We must work by -rule. The rules attaching to this kind of work are six:-- - -(1) Put the verb in the wrong place (some leave it out altogether); - -(2) Use words that may be either verbs or nouns--plurals are very -useful; - -(3) Punctuate insufficiently; - -(4) Make a special use of phrases that have two or three meanings; - -(5) Leave out relatives; - -(6) Have whole sentences in apposition. - -Some of our young poets have imagined that the mere use of strange -words made up the Obscure style. I need not say that they were -wrong. Thus, the lines-- - - “And shall I never tread them more, - My murrant balks of wealden lathes?” - -are singularly bad. Anyone could be obscure in so simple a fashion. -It behoves the student rather to read carefully such lines as the -following, in which I have again tackled the Pimpernel, this time -in the Obscure manner. - -I begin with “What Pimpernels,” which might mean “What! -Pimpernels?” or, “_What_ Pimpernels?” or again, “What -_Pimpernels_!”; expressing surprise, or a question, or astonished -admiration: but do you think I am going to give the show away by -telling the reader what I mean? Not a bit of it. There is something -in our island temper which loves mystery: something of the North. I -flatter myself I can do it thoroughly:-- - - “What Pimpernels; a rare indulgence blesses - The winter wasting in imperfect suns - And Pimpernels are in the waning, runs - A hand unknown the careless winter dresses, - Not for your largess to the ruined fells, - Her floors in waste, I call you, Pimpernels.” - -There! I think that will do very fairly well. One can make sense -out of it, and it is broad and full, like a modern religion; it -has many aspects, and it makes men think. There is not one unusual -word, and the second line is a clear and perfect bit of English. -Yet how deep and solemn and thorough is the whole! - -And yet, for all my ability in these matters, I may not offer an -example for the reader to follow. I am conscious of something -more powerful (within this strict channel), and I am haunted -reproachfully by a great soul. May I quote what none but She could -have written? It is the most perfect thing that modern England -knows. Every lesson I might painfully convey there stands manifest, -of itself, part of the Created Thing. - - -THE YELLOW MUSTARD. - - Oh! ye that prink it to and fro, - In pointed flounce and furbelow, - What have ye known, what can ye know - That have not seen the mustard grow? - - The yellow mustard is no less - Than God’s good gift to loneliness; - And he was sent in gorgeous press, - To jangle keys at my distress. - - I heard the throstle call again - Come hither, Pain! come hither, Pain! - Till all my shameless feet were fain - To wander through the summer rain. - - And far apart from human place, - And flaming like a vast disgrace, - There struck me blinding in the face - The livery of the mustard race. - - * * * * * - - To see the yellow mustard grow - Beyond the town, above, below; - Beyond the purple houses, oh! - To see the yellow mustard grow! - - - - -THE INTERVIEW. - - - - -THE INTERVIEW. - - -It is now some years ago since I was sitting in Mr. Caliban’s -study, writing in his name upon the Balance of Power in Europe. I -had just completed my article, and passed it to him to sign, when -I noticed that he was too much absorbed in a book which he was -reading to pay attention to my gesture. - -Men of his stamp enforce courtesy in others by their mere presence. -It would have been impossible to have disturbed him. I turned to -a somewhat more lengthy composition, which was also to appear -above his signature, entitled, “The Effect of Greek Philosophy -upon European Thought.” When I had completed my analysis of this -profound historical influence, I thought that my master and guide -would have freed himself from the net of the author who thus -entranced him. I was mistaken. I had, however, but just begun a -third article, of which the subject escapes me, when he turned to -me and said, closing the book between his hands: - -“Will you go and interview someone for me?” - -I fear my sudden change of expression betrayed the fact that the -idea was repugnant to one familiar rather with foreign politics and -with the Classics than with the reporters’ side of the paper. - -Mr. Caliban looked at my collar with his kindly eyes, and kept them -fixed upon it for some seconds. He then smiled (if such a man could -be said to smile) and continued: - -“I want to tell you something....” - -There was profound silence for a little while, during which a -number of thoughts passed through my mind. I remembered that -Dr. Caliban was Editor at that moment of the _Sunday Herald_. -I remembered that I was his right hand, and that without me -the enormous labour he weekly undertook could never have been -accomplished without trespassing upon the sanctity of the Sabbath. -After a little hesitation, he pulled down his waistcoat, hitched -his trousers at the knees, crossed his legs, made a half-turn -towards me (for his study-chair was mounted upon a swivel), and -said: - -“It’s like this:-- ...” - -I assured him that I would do what he wished, for I knew, whenever -he spoke in this tone, that there was something to be done for -England. - -“It’s like this,” he went on, “I have found a man here who should -_count_, who should _tell_. It is a fearful thought that such a -mind can have remained so long hidden. Here is a man with something -in him quite peculiar and apart--and he is unknown! It is England -through and through, and the best of England; it is more than that. -Even where I disagree with him, I find something like a living -voice. He gets right at one, as it were ... yet I never heard his -name!” - -Here Mr. Caliban, having stopped for a moment, as though seeking -something in his memory, declaimed in a rich monotone: - - “Full many a gem of purest ray serene - The dark unfathomed caves of ocean bear: - Full many a flower is born to blush unseen - And waste its sweetness on the desert air.” - -There was a little silence. Then he said abruptly: - -“Do you know Wordsworth’s definition of a poet? Take it down. I -should like you to use it.” - -I pulled out my note-book and wrote in shorthand from his dictation -a sublime phrase, which was new to me: “_A Poet is a_ MAN _speaking -to_ MEN.” - -“This man,” said Dr. Caliban simply, “is a man speaking to men.” - -He put the book into my hands; two or three of the leaves were -turned down, and on each page so marked was a passage scored in -pencil. The lines would have arrested my eye even, had a greater -mind than my own not selected them. - -“_A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke._” - -“_Tied wrist to bar for their red iniquitee._” - -“_To do butcher work_” (he is speaking of war) “_yer don’t want -genlemen, ’cept to lead._” - -“_I got the gun-barrels red-hot and fetched the whipcord out of the -cupboard, while the other man held the screaming, writhing thing -down upon the floor._” - -“_Under whose_ (speaking of God) _awful hand we hold dominion over -palm and pine._” - -I have no space to quote a longer passage of verse, evidently -intended to be sung to a banjo, and describing the emotions of -the author in a fit of delirium tremens when he suffered from the -hallucination that a red-hot brass monkey was himself attempting -song. The poet showed no jealousy of the animal. There was the -full, hearty Anglo-Saxon friendship for a comrade and even for a -rival, and I met the same tone again on a further page in the line: - -“You’re a better man than I am, Gunga Din.” - -I looked up at Mr. Caliban and said: - -“Well?”:--for these short phrases are often the most emphatic. - -“Well,” said Dr. Caliban, “that man must not be allowed to go -under. He must be made, and we must make him.” - -I said that such a man could not fail to pierce through and -conquer. He seemed the very salt and marrow of all that has made us -great. - -Dr. Caliban laid his hand in a fatherly way upon my shoulder and -said: - -“You are still young; you do not know how long fame may take to -find a man, if the way is not pointed out to her; and if she takes -too long, sometimes he dies of a broken heart.” - -It was a noble thought in one who had known Fame almost from the -very day when, as a lad of 22 years old, he had stood up in the -chapel at Barking Level and answered the preacher with the words, -“Lord, here am I.” - -Dr. Caliban continued in a few simple words to convince me that my -foolish pride alone stood between this young genius and the fame he -deserved. He pointed out what a weight would lie upon my mind were -that poet some day to become famous, and to be able to say when I -presented myself at his receptions: - -“Get ye hence: I know ye not!” - -He added the awful words that death might find us at any moment, -and that then we should have to answer, not for our reasons or -our motives, but for the things we have done, and for the things -we have left undone. He added that he would regard a visit to -this new writer as overtime work, and that he was ready to pay my -expenses, including cab fares to and from the station. He ended -with an appeal which would have convinced one less ready to yield: -a magnificent picture of the Empire and of the Voice for which it -had waited so long. - - * * * * * - -It seems unworthy, after the relation of this intimate domestic -scene, to add any words of exhortation to the reader and student. - -I will not pretend that the interview is a form of true literature. -If I have been guilty of too great a confidence, my excess has -proceeded from an earnest desire to watch over others of my kind, -and to warn them lest by one chance refusal they should destroy the -opportunities of a lifetime. - -To interview another, even a rival, is sometimes necessary at the -outset of a career. It is an experience that need not be repeated. -It is one that no earnest student of human nature will regret. - -The powerful emotions aroused by the reminiscence of Dr. Caliban’s -eloquence, and of the meeting to which it led, must not be -desecrated by too lengthy an insistence upon the mere technique of -a subsidiary branch of modern letters. I will state very briefly my -conclusions as to what is indispensable in the regulation of this -kind of literature. - -It is, in the first place, of some moment that the young -interviewer should take his hat and gloves with him in his left -hand into the room. If he carries an umbrella or cane, this -also should be carried in the same hand, leaving the right hand -completely free. Its readiness for every purpose is the mark of a -gentleman, and the maintenance of that rank is absolutely necessary -to the _sans gêne_ which should accompany a true interview. - -In the second place, let him, the moment he appears, explain -briefly the object of his visit. Without any such introduction as -“The fact is ...” “It is very odd, but ...”, let him say plainly -and simply, like an Englishman, “I have been sent to interview you -on the part of such and such a paper.” - -He will then be handed (in the majority of cases) a short -type-written statement, which he will take into his right hand, -pass into his left, in among the gloves, stick, hat, &c., and will -bow, not from the shoulders, nor from the hips, but subtly from the -central vertebrae. - -In the third place he will go out of the room. - -There are two exceptions to this general procedure. The first is -with men quite unknown; the second with men of high birth or great -wealth. - -In the first case, the hat and gloves should be laid upon a table -and the stick leaning against it in such a way as not to fall down -awkwardly in the middle of a conversation. The student will then -begin to talk in a genial manner loudly, and will continue for -about half-an-hour; he will end by looking at his watch, and will -go away and write down what he feels inclined. - -In the second case, he will do exactly the same, but with a -different result, for in the first case he will very probably -become the friend of the person interviewed, which would have -happened anyhow, and in the second case he will be forbidden the -house, a result equally inevitable. - -I cannot conclude these remarks without exhorting the young -writer most earnestly, when he is entering upon the first of -these distressing experiences, to place a firm trust in Divine -Providence, and to remember that, come what may, he has done his -duty. - -If he should have any further hesitation as to the general manner -in which an interview should be written, he has but to read what -follows. It constitutes the interview which I held with that young -genius whom Mr. Caliban persuaded me to visit, and of whose fame I -shall therefore always feel myself a part. - - -INTERVIEW - -WITH HIM. - -(Written specially for the _Sunday Englishman_, by the Rev. JAMES -CALIBAN, D.D.)[8] - - “_By the peace among the peoples, men shall know ye serve the - Lord._”--DEUTERONOMY xvi. 7. - -... Leaping into a well-appointed cab, I was soon whirled to a -terminus which shall be nameless, not a hundred miles from Brandon -Street, and had the good luck to swing myself into the guard’s van -just as the train was steaming out from the platform. I plunged at -once _in medias res_, and some two hours later alit in the sunny -and growing residential town of Worthing. I hailed a vehicle which -plied for hire, and begged the driver to conduct me to 29, Darbhai -Road, “if indeed,” to quote my own words to the Jehu, “if indeed it -be worth a drive. I understand it is close upon a mile.” - -“Yes, sir,” replied the honest fellow, “You will find, sir, that it -is quite a mile, sir. Indeed, sir, we call it a little over a mile, -sir.” - -I was soon whirled, as fast as the type of carriage permitted, to -Laburnum Lodge, Darbhai Road, where a neat-handed Phyllis smilingly -opened the door for me, and took my card up to her master, bidding -me be seated awhile in the hall. I had the leisure to notice -that it was lit by two stained glass panels above the entrance, -representing Alfred the Great and Queen Victoria. In a few minutes -the servant returned with the message that her master would be down -in a moment, and begged me to enter his parlour until he could -attend me, as he was just then in his study, looking out of window -at a cricket match in an adjoining field. - -I found myself in a richly-furnished room, surrounded by curious -relics of travel, and I was delighted to notice the little -characteristic touches that marked the personal tastes of my host. -Several skulls adorned the walls, and I observed that any natural -emotion they might cause was heightened by a few tasteful lines -such as actors paint upon their faces. Thus one appeared to grin -beyond the ordinary, another was fitted with false eyes, and all -had that peculiar subtle expression upon which genius loves to -repose in its moments of leisure. I had barely time to mark a few -more notable matters in my surroundings, when I was aware that I -was in the presence of my host. - -“No,” or “Yes,” said the great man, smiling through his spectacles -and puffing a cloud of smoke towards me in a genial fashion, “I do -not in the least mind telling you how it is done. I do not think,” -he added drily, “that any other fellows will pull quite the same -chock-a-block haul, even if I do give them the fall of the halyard. -You must excuse these technical terms; I make it a point to speak -as I write--I think it is more natural.” - -I said I should be delighted to excuse him. - -“I hope you will also excuse,” he continued, “my throwing myself -into my favourite attitude.” - -I said that, on the contrary, I had long wished to see it. - -With a sigh of relief he thrust those creative hands of his into -his trouser pockets, slightly stooped his shoulders, and appeared -to my delight exactly as he does in the photograph he handed me for -publication. - -“To show you how it is done, I cannot begin better than by a little -example,” he said. - -He went to a neighbouring table, rummaged about in a pile of the -_Outlook_ and _Vanity Fair_, and produced a scrap of paper upon -which there was a type-written poem. His hands trembled with -pleasure, but he controlled himself well (for he is a strong, -silent kind of man), and continued:-- - -“I will not weary you with the whole of this Work. I am sure you -must already be familiar with it. In the Volunteer camp where I was -recently staying, and where I slept under canvas like anybody else, -the officers knew it by heart, and used to sing it to a tune of my -own composition (for you must know that I write these little things -to airs of my own). I will only read you the last verse, which, as -is usual in my lyrics, contains the pith of the whole matter.” - -Then in a deep voice he intoned the following, with a slightly -nasal accent which lent it a peculiarly individual flavour:-- - - “I’m sorry for Mister Naboth; - I’m sorry to make him squeak; - But the Lawd above me made me strawng - In order to pummel the weak.” - -“That chorus, which applies to one of the most important problems -of the Empire, contains nearly all the points that illustrate ‘How -it is Done.’ In the first place, note the conception of the Law. It -has been my effort to imprint this idea of the Law upon the mind of -the English-speaking world--a phrase, by the way, far preferable -to that of Anglo-Saxon, which I take this opportunity of publicly -repudiating. You may, perhaps, have noticed that my idea of the Law -is the strongest thing in modern England. ‘Do this because I tell -you, or it will be the worse for you,’ is all we know, and all we -need to know. For so, it seems to me, Heaven” (here he reverently -raised the plain billy-cock hat which he is in the habit of wearing -in his drawing-room) “governs the world, and we who are Heaven’s -lieutenants can only follow upon the same lines. I will not insist -upon the extent to which the religious training I enjoyed in early -youth helped to cast me in that great mould. You have probably -noticed its effect in all my work.” - -I said I had. - -“Well, then, first and foremost, I have in this typical instance -brought out my philosophy of the Law. In my private conversation I -call this ‘following the gleam.’” - -“Now for the adventitious methods by which I enhance the value of -my work. Consider the lilt. ‘Lilt’ is the ‘Túm ti ti túm ti túm’ -effect which you may have felt in my best verse.” - -I assured him I had indeed felt it. - -“Lilt,” he continued, “is the hardest thing of all to acquire. -Thousands attempt it, and hundreds fail. I have it (though I say it -who should not) to perfection. It is the quality you will discover -in the old ballads, but there it is often marred by curious -accidents which I can never properly explain. Their metre is often -very irregular, and I fancy that their style (which my Work closely -resembles) has suffered by continual copying. No: where you get the -true ‘Lilt’ is in the music halls--I am sorry it is so often wasted -upon impertinent themes. Do you know ‘It is all very fine and -large,’ or ‘At my time of life,’ or again, ‘Now we shan’t be long’?” - -I answered I had them all three by heart. - -“I shouldn’t say they were worth _that_,” he answered, as a shade -of disappointment appeared upon his delicate, mobile features, -“but there is a place where you get it to perfection, and that is -Macaulay’s _Lays of Ancient Rome_. They are my favourite reading. -But that is another story.” - -“To turn to quite a different point, the Vernacular. It isn’t -everything that will go down in ordinary English. Of course I _do_ -use ordinary English--at least, Bible English, in my best work. For -instance, there is a little thing called ‘In the Confessional,’ -which I propose to read to you later, and which has no slang nor -swear-words from beginning to end.” - -“But, of course, that is quite an exception. Most things won’t -stand anything but dialect, and I just give you this tip gratis. -You can make anything individual and strong by odd spelling. It -arrests the attention, and you haven’t got to pick your words. -Did you ever read a beautiful work called _Colorado Bill; or, -From Cowboy to President_? Well, I can assure you that when it -was in English, before being turned into dialect, it was quite -ordinary-like.” - -“But that ain’t all. One has now and then to strike a deeper note, -and striking a deeper note is so simple, that I wonder it has not -occurred to others of our poets. You have got to imagine yourself -in a church, and you must read over your manuscript to yourself in -that kind of hollow voice--you know what I mean.” - -I swore that I did. - -“_Now_, you see why one puts ‘ye’ for ‘you,’ and ‘ye be’ for -‘you are,’ and mentions the Law in so many words. It is not very -difficult to do, and when one does succeed, one gets what I call A1 -copper-bottomed poetry.” - -He went to a corner of the room, opened a large, scented, -velvet-bound book upon a brass reading-desk, looked at me severely, -coughed twice, and began as follows: - -“I am about to read you ‘In the Confessional.’ The greatest critic -of the century has called this the greatest poem of the century. I -begin at the third verse, and the seventeenth line:-- - - * * * * * - “Lest he forget the great ally - In heaven yclept hypocrisy, - So help me Bawb! I’ll mark him yet-- - Lest he forget! Lest he forget!” - * * * * * - -He closed the book with becoming reverence. - -And there was a silence, during which the grand words went on -running in my head as their author had meant them to do. “Lest he -forget! Lest he forget!” Ah, may heaven preserve its darling poet, -and never let him fall from the height of that great message. - -“Well,” said he, genially, anticipating my applause, “Good-bye. -But before you go please let me beg you to tell the public that -I lately wrote something for the _Times_ a great deal better -than anything else I have ever written. Nobody seems to read the -_Times_,” he continued, in a tone of slight petulance, “and I have -not seen it quoted anywhere. I wonder if it is properly known? -Please tell people that that little note about ‘copyright’ is only -for fun. _Anyone_ may use it who likes--I had a paragraph put -in the papers to say so. It’s like this--” He then added a few -conventional words of God-speed, and I left him. I have never seen -him since. - -And yet ... and yet.... - -The student will now pardon me, I trust, if I go somewhat more -deeply into things than is customary in text books of this class. -That little conquest over pride, that little task honestly -performed, earned me something I shall value for ever, something -that will be handed down in our family “even unto the third and -the fourth generation” (_Habb._ vii. 13). It is something that -means far, far more to me than a mere acquaintance with an author -could possibly have done. For who can gauge so volatile a thing as -friendship? Who could with certitude have pointed me out and said, -“There goes _His_ friend”? The Written Thing remained. - -In my room, nay, just above me as I write, hangs framed the -following note in pencil. - -“Awfully glad to see the stuff in the ‘Herald,’ but say--are you -old Caliban? That was rather stiff on a jack high? Wasn’t it? Never -mind. You didn’t ask me for my auto, but I send it herewith right -along, for I _like_ you.” - -There is the Man Alone as He IS--.... It seems of small moment, -but there is something more. Framed in dark oak and gold very -sumptuously, and hanging quite apart, is the little shred of paper -which He enclosed. Shall I whisper what is written upon it?...?... -The first few jotted notes of the glorious song which rang through -the Empire like a bugle-call, and hurled it at Nicaragua. - -[Sidenote: _Mem.--Can a preposition begin with a capital?_] - - Hark and attend my Chosen: Ye have heard me - _ye_ _people_ - Out of the East, - _with an introduction_? - -[Sidenote: _Mem.--Alternative, “with a bag and a blanket.”_] - - I came and the nations trembled: I bore the Mark - _with a_ ■■■■■■■■■■■■ - ■■■■■■■ - _glory about me?_ - of the Beast, - -[Sidenote: _Good!_] - - And I made ye a hundred books--yea! even an hundred and one - Of all the labours of men that labour under the sun, - -[Sidenote: _Second “yea”? Uncle says “delete.”_] - - And I clad me about with Terrors: Yea! I covered my paths with dread, - And the women-folk were astonished at the horrible things I said. - - And the men of the Island Race were some of them woundily bored, - But the greater part of them paid me well: and I praised the Lord. - And when--as the spirit was full--I sniggered and lapped and swore - -[Sidenote: _Dick says “Days of Yore” is commonplace. Tore? Gore? -Lore? More? provisional: see Emily also about it._] - - As ever did men before me, men of the days of yore - (?) - When-as the spirit was full--But when it was rare and low - I copied the Psalms at random; and lo! it was even so! - ■■■■■■■ - (_Fill in here: ask_ ■■■■■■■) - _Publisher_ - -[Sidenote: _Uncle says that repetition is Greek. Mem.--plagiarism?_] - - Then up and arose the Daughter-Nations: Up and arose - Fearless men reciting me fearlessly through the nose, - Some of them Presbyterian, and some of them Jews, and some - -[Sidenote: _Frivolous. Change._] - - Of the Latter-Day Church, King Solomon’s sect--which is awfully rum. - (_Stuck_.) - ... the lot of it ... Anglo-Saxons ... shout it aloud - ... at it again? ... back the crowd? - (_Fill in. Mem.--must be consecutive_) - - Things are not as they were (_commonplace_) - (_delete_) - Things are not as they.... Things and the Change.... - Things and ... things.... - (_Leave this to fill in_) - - * * * * * - - And some of ye stand at a wicket, and they are the luckier men, - -[Sidenote: _Whenas. Good. Mem.--use in “Horeb.”_] - - But others field afar on a field, and ever and then, - When-as the over is over, they cross to the other side, - A weary thing to the flesh and a wounding thing to the pride. - -[Sidenote: _He will have to go._] - - And Cabinet Ministers play at a game ye should all avoid, - It is played with youngling bats and a pellet of celluloid, - And a little net on a table, and is known as the named (_better_) - PING and the PONG. - England, Daughter of Sion, why do you do this wrong? - And some, like witherless Frenchmen, circle around in rings, - England, Daughter of Sion, why do you do these things? - Why do you.... - (_Mem.--after Uncle to-morrow. Billy’s: refuse terms._) - -These are the chance lines as they came--the disjointed -words--everything--just as He wrote them down. - -Reader--or whatever you be--was that a small reward? Are you -willing _now_ to say that Interviewing has no wages of its own? -Will you sneer at it as unfit to take its place in your art? Truly, -“Better is he that humbleth himself than a pillar of brass, and a -meek heart than many fastenings.” - - - - -PERSONAL PARS. - - - - -THE PERSONAL PAR. - - -Closely connected with the Interview, and forming a natural sequel -to any treatise upon that Exercise, is the Personal Par. It -contains, as it were, all the qualities of the Interview condensed -into the smallest possible space; it advertises the subject, -instructs the reader, and is a yet sharper trial of the young -writer’s character. - -The homely advice given in the preceding section, where mention -was made of “pride” and of “pockets,” applies with far more force -to the Personal Par. With the Interview, it is well to mask one’s -name; with the Personal Par, it is absolutely necessary to conceal -it. The danger the author runs is an attraction to Mrs. Railston, -who in her book strongly advises this form of sport--she herself -does Bess in _All About Them_. On the other hand, Lieut.-Col. -Lory says, in his _Journalist’s Vade-mecum_ (p. 63): “A Personal -Par should never be penned by the Aspirant to Literary honours. -Undetected, it renders life a burden of suspense; detected, it -spells ruin.”[9] He quotes twenty-five well-known peers and -financiers who rose by steadily refusing to do this kind of work -during their period of probation on the press. - -The present guide, which is final, will run to no such extremes. -Secrecy is indeed essential; yet there are three excellent reasons -for writing Personal Pars, at least in early youth. - -(1.) The Personal Par is the easiest to produce of all forms of -literature. Any man or woman, famous or infamous for any reason, -is a subject ready to hand, and to these may be added all persons -whatsoever living, dead, or imaginary; and anything whatever may -be said about them. Editors, in their honest dislike of giving -pain, encourage the inane, and hence more facile, form of praise. -Moreover, it takes but a moment to write, and demands no recourse -to books of reference. - -(2.) The Personal Par can always be placed--if not in England, then -in America. Though written in any odd moments of one’s leisure -time, it will always represent money; and the whole of the period -from July to October, when ordinary work is very slack, can be kept -going from the stock one has by one. - -(3.) It has a high economic value, not only in the price paid for -it, but indirectly, as an advertisement. This is a point which -Lieut.-Col. Lory and Mrs. Railston both overlook. - -A short specimen, written in August, 1885, at the very beginning of -the movement, by my friend, Mrs. Cowley (the Folk-Lorist, not the -Poetess), for the _Gazette_, will make these three points clear:-- - -“The capture of that rare bird, the Cross-tailed Eagle, which -is cabled from St. Fandango’s, recalls the fact that the famous -Picture ‘Tiny Tots’ was formerly in the possession of the -present Governor of that island. The picture is put up to auction -by Messrs. Philpots next Saturday, and, judging by the public -attendance at their galleries during the last fortnight, the -bidding should be brisk.” - -There is no such bird as the Cross-tailed Eagle, nor any such -person as the Governor of St. Fandango’s, nor indeed is there even -any such island. Yet Mrs. Cowley was paid 5_s._ by the _Gazette_ -for her little bit of research; it was copied into most of the -papers, with acknowledgment, and she got a commission from Messrs. -Philpots. The former owner of “Tiny Tots” (Mr. Gale of Kew, a -wealthy man) wrote a long and interesting letter explaining that -some error had been made, and that not he, but his wife’s father, -had been an _Inspector_[10] (not Governor) in _St. Vincent’s_. He -begged the writer to call on him--her call was the origin of a -life-long friendship, and Mrs. Cowley was mentioned in his will. - -I must detain the student no longer with what is, after all, a very -small corner of our art, but conclude with a few carefully chosen -examples before proceeding to the next section on Topographical -Essays. - - -EXAMPLES. - -_Wit and Wisdom of the Upper Classes._ - -Her Royal Highness the Hereditary Grand Duchess of Solothurn was -driving one day down Pall Mall when she observed a poor pickpocket -plying his precarious trade. Stopping the carriage immediately, -she asked him gently what she could do for him. He was dumbfounded -for a reply, and, withdrawing his hand from the coat-tail of an -elderly major, managed to mumble out that he was a widower with a -wife and six children who were out of work and refused to support -him, though earning excellent wages. This reasoning so touched the -Princess, that she immediately gave him a place as boot-black in -the Royal Palace of Kensington. Discharged from this position for -having prosecuted H.R.H. for six months’ arrears of wages, he set -up as a publican at the “Sieve and Pannier” at Wimbledon, a licence -of some ten thousand pounds in value, and a standing example of the -good fortune that attends thrift and industry. - - * * * - -It is not generally known that the late Lord Grumbletooth rose -from the ranks. His lordship was a singularly reticent man, and -the matter is still shrouded in obscurity. He was, however, a -politician in the best sense of the word, and owed his advancement -to the virtues that have made England famous. The collection of -domestic china at Grumbletooth House will vie with any other -collection at any similar house in the kingdom. - - * * * - -Dr. Kedge, whose death was recently announced in the papers, was -the son of no less a personage than Mr. Kedge, of the Old Hall, -Eybridge. It is hardly fair to call him a self-made man, for his -father paid a considerable sum both for his education and for the -settlement of his debts on leaving the University. But he was -a bright-eyed, pleasant host, and will long be regretted in the -journalistic world. - - * * * - -Lady Gumm’s kindness of heart is well known. She lately presented -a beggar with a shilling, and then discovered that she had not the -wherewithal to pay her fare home from Queen’s Gate to 376, Park -Lane (her ladyship’s town house). Without a moment’s hesitation she -borrowed eighteen pence of the grateful mendicant, a circumstance -that easily explains the persecution of which she has lately been -the victim. - - * * * - -Lord Harmbury was lately discovered on the top of a ’bus by an -acquaintance who taxed him with the misadventure. “I would rather -be caught _on_ a ’bus than _in_ a trap,” said the witty peer. The -_mot_ has had some success in London Society. - - * * * - -Mr. Mulhausen, the M.F.H. of the North Downshire Hunt, has recently -written an article on “Falconry” for the _Angler’s World_. The -style of the “brochure” shows a great advance in “technique,” and -cannot fail to give a permanent value to his opinion on Athletics, -Gentleman-farming, and all other manly sports and pastimes. -Mr. Mulhausen is, by the way, a recently-elected member of the -Rock-climbers’ Club, and is devoted to Baccarat. - - * * * - -There is no truth in the rumour that Miss Finn-Coul, daughter of -Colonel Wantage-Brown, was about to marry her father’s second -wife’s son by an earlier marriage, Mr. James Grindle-Torby. The -Colonel is a strong Churchman, and disapproves of such unions -between close relatives; moreover, as C.O., he has forbidden the -young lieutenant (for such is his rank) to leave the barracks for a -fortnight, a very unusual proceeding in the Hussars. - - * * * - -Lady Sophia Van Huren is famous for her repartee. In passing -through Grosvenor Gate an Irish beggar was heard to hope that she -would die the black death of Machushla Shawn. A sharp reply passed -her lips, and it is a thousand pities that no one exactly caught -its tenor; it was certainly a gem. - - * * * - -It is well known that the Bishop of Pontygarry has no sympathy -with the extreme party in the Church. Only the other day he was -so incensed at a service held in Ribble-cum-Taut, that he fought -the officiating clergyman for half an hour in his own garden, and -extorted a complete apology. He also forbad anyone in the village -ever to go to Church again, and himself attended the Methodist -Chapel on the ensuing Sunday. Had we a few more prelates of the -same mettle things would be in a very different condition. - - - - -THE TOPOGRAPHICAL ARTICLE. - - - - -THE TOPOGRAPHICAL ARTICLE. - - -The Topographical Article is so familiar as to need but little -introduction.... Personally, I do not recommend it; it involves a -considerable labour; alone, of all forms of historical writing, it -demands accuracy; alone, it is invariably un-paid. - -Nevertheless, there are special occasions when it will be advisable -to attempt it; as--in order to please an aged and wealthy relative; -in order to strike up a chance acquaintance with a great Family; in -order to advertise land that is for sale; in order to prevent the -sale, or to lower the price (in these two last cases it is usual -to demand a small fee from the parties interested); in order to -vent a just anger; in order to repay a debt; in order to introduce -a “special” advertisement for some manure or other; and so forth. -Most men can recall some individual accident when a training in -Topographical Writing would have been of value to them. - -There even arise, though very rarely, conditions under which this -kind of writing is positively ordered. Thus, when the Editor of the -_Evening Mercury_ changed his politics for money on the 17th of -September, 1899, all that part of his staff who were unable to drop -their outworn shibboleths were put on to writing up various parts -of London in the legal interval preceding their dismissal, and a -very good job they made of it. - -Never, perhaps, were the five rules governing the art more -thoroughly adhered to. A land-owning family was introduced into -each; living persons were treated with courtesy and affection; a -tone of regret was used at the opening of each; each closed with -a phrase of passionate patriotism; and each was carefully run -parallel to the course of English History in general; and the -proper praise and blame allotted to this name and that, according -to its present standing with the more ignorant of the general -public.[11] - -It was in this series (afterwards issued in Book form under the -title, _London! My London_) that the following article--which I -can put forward as an excellent model--was the contribution of my -friend, Mr. James Bayley. It may interest the young reader (if he -be as yet unfamiliar with our great London names) to know that -under the pseudonym of “Cringle” is concealed the family of Holt, -whose present head is, of course, the Duke of Sheffield. - - -DISAPPEARING LONDON: MANNING GREEN. - -At a moment when a whole district of the metropolis is compulsorily -passing into the hands of a soulless corporation, it is -intolerable that the proprietors of land in that district should -receive no compensation for the historical importance of their -estates. Manning Green, which will soon be replaced by the roar -and bustle--or bustle and confusion, whichever you like--of a -great railway station, is one of those centres whence the great -empire-builders of our race proceeded in past times. - -For many centuries it was a bare, bleak spot, such as our England -could boast by the thousand in the rude but heroic days when the -marvellous fortunes of the Anglo-Saxon race were preparing in the -slow designs of Providence. For perhaps a generation it was one of -those suburban villages that are said by a contemporary poet to -“nestle in their trees.” Doubtless it sent forth in the sixties -many brave lads to fight for the liberties of Europe in Italy or -Denmark, but their humble record has perished. Such a thought -recalls the fine lines of Gray:-- - - “Some mute inglorious Milton here may rest; - Some Cromwell guiltless of his country’s blood.” - -Twenty to twenty-five years ago the advancing tide of the capital -of the world swept round this little outlying place; it was -submerged, and soon made part of greater London. - -Relics are still to be discovered of the period when Manning Green -had something rural about it, as Highgate and South Croydon have -now. Thus “The Jolly Drover” (whose license was recently refused -because it was not a tied house) recalls the great sheep-droves -that once passed through the village from the north. It is now -rare indeed to meet with a countryman driving his flock to market -through the streets of London, though the sight is not absolutely -unknown. The present writer was once stopped in the early morning -by a herd of oxen south of Westminster Bridge, and what may seem -more remarkable he has frequently seen wild animals in the charge -of negroes pass through Soho on their way to the Hippodrome. It is -as Tennyson says:-- - - “The old order changes, giving place to the new,” - -until at last - - “Beyond these voices there is peace.” - -Another relic of the old village of Manning Green is the Court -Baron, which is still held (how few Londoners know this!) once a -year, for the purpose of providing a small but regular income to a -relative of the Lord Chancellor. This Court was probably not held -before the year 1895, but it is none the less of extreme interest -to antiquarians. - -The first mention of Manning Green in history is in a letter to -Edward Lord Cringle, the pioneer and ally of the beneficent reforms -that remain inseparably associated with the name of the eighth -Henry. This letter is written from prison by one Henry Turnbull, a -yeoman, and contains these phrases:-- - - “For that very certainly, my good Lord, I never did this thing, - no, nor met the Friar nor had any dealing with him. And whatever - I did that they say is treason I did it being a simple man, - as following the Mass, which I know is welcome to the King’s - Majesty, and not knowing who it was that sang it, no, nor - speaking to him after, as God knows. And, my dear Lord, I have - had conveyed to you, as you know, my land of Horton with the Grey - farm and _the mere called Foul Marsh or Manning_, having neither - son nor any other but my own life only, and for that willingly - would I give you this land, and so I have done; and, my good - Lord, speak for me at Court in this matter, remembering my gift - of the land....” - -This Turnbull was afterwards executed for treason at Tyburn. There -is still a Turnbull in the parish, but as his father’s name was -Weissenstein he is very unlikely to have any connection with the -original family of yeomen. - -The land (if land it could then be called) did not, oddly -enough, remain long in the Cringle family. It was sold by Lord -Edward to the Carmelites, and on the dissolution of that order -was returned by the grateful monarch to its original owner. We -next find “Manning” or “Foul Marsh” drained during that period -of active beneficence on the part of the great landlords which -marked the seventeenth century. We are acquainted of this fact in -our agricultural history by an action recorded in 1631, where it -appears that one Nicholas Hedon had gone to shoot snipe, as had -been once of common right in the manor, and had so trespassed upon -land “now drained at his lordship’s charges, and by him enclosed.” -Hedon lost both ears, and was pilloried. - -Manning is probably alluded to also in a strong protest of the -old Liberal blood[12] against ship-money, to which exaction it -contributed 1_s._ 4_d._ The sum need not excite ridicule, as it -represents quite 4_s._ of our present currency. The vigorous -protest of the family against this extortion is one of the finest -examples of our sterling English spirit on the eve of the Civil -War. The money was, however, paid. - -In the troubles of the Civil Wars Manning (now no longer a -marsh, but a _green_) was sold to John Grayling, but the deed of -conveyance being protested at the Restoration, it was restored -to its original owners at the intruder’s charge by an action of -_Novel Disseizin_. After Monmouth’s rebellion, Manning was in -danger of suffering confiscation, and was hurriedly sold to a -chance agent (William Greaves) at so low a price as to refute for -ever all insinuations of rapacity upon the part of its now ducal -owners. It was happily restored by a grateful nation as a free -gift after the glorious Revolution of 1688, and the agent, who had -only acquired it by taking advantage of the recent troubles, was -very properly punished. King William congratulated the family in a -famous epigram, which a natural ignorance of the Taal forbids us to -transcribe. - -In 1718, Manning being still pasture of a somewhat spongy nature -(Guy, in his report, calls it “soggy and poor land, reedy, and -fit for little”), there was a rumour that the New River canal -would pass through it, and it was sold to Jonathan Hemp. The New -River was proved, however, in the pleadings before both Houses -of Parliament, to have no necessity for this canal, and Hemp was -compelled (as it was a mere speculation on his part) to sell it -back again to its distinguished owner at a merely nominal price. - -Nothing further can be traced with regard to Manning Green (as -it was now commonly called) till the report in 1780 that coal -had been found beneath it. Such a deposit so near the metropolis -naturally attracted the attention of merchants, and the Family sold -the place for the last time to a merchant of the name of Hogg for -£20,000. - -The report proved false; yet, oddly enough, it was the beginning of -Mr. Hogg’s prosperity. - -We have no space to dwell on this interesting character. “Hogg’s -Trustees” are an ecclesiastical household word in our principal -watering-places, and the “Hogg Institute” at Brighton is a monument -of Christian endeavour. He was a shrewd bargainer, a just man, and -upon his mantel-pieces were to be discovered ornaments in alabaster -representing Joshua and Richard Cœur de Lion. - -The growth of the metropolis entered largely into Mr. Hogg’s -enlightened prevision of the future, and he obtained promises from -a large number of people to build houses upon his land, which -houses should, after a term of years, become his (Hogg’s) property, -and cease to belong to those who had paid to put them up. How Mr. -Hogg managed to obtain such promises is still shrouded in mystery, -but the universal prevalence of the system to-day in modern England -would surely prove that there is something in our Imperial race -which makes this form of charity an element of our power. - -Mr. Hogg’s only daughter married Sir John Moss, Lord Mayor; and Mr. -Moss, the son, was the father of the present Lord Hemelthorpe. Thus -something romantic still clings to poor Manning Green, of which -Lord Hemelthorpe was, until his recent bankruptcy, the proprietor. - -There is little more to be said about Manning Green. The Ebenezer -Chapel has a history of its own, written by the Rev. Napoleon -Plaything, son of Mr. Honey Q. Plaything, of Bismark, Pa. The -success of the boys’ club has been detailed in _God’s London_, by -Mr. Zitali, of the “Mission to the Latin Races.” The book is well -worth buying, if only for this one essay, written, as it is, by a -brand saved from the burning. Mr. Zitali was for a long time in the -employ of Messrs. Mañanâ, the restaurant keepers, and no one is -better fitted to deal strenuously with the awful problems of our -great cities. - -Manning Green is about to disappear, and all its wonderful -associations will become (in the words of Swinburne) - - “Smoke, or the smoke of a smoke.” - -But until it disappears, and until its purchase price is finally -fixed by the committee, its historical associations will still -remain dear to those who (like the present writer) are interested -in this corner of the Motherland. That men of our blood, and men -speaking our tongue--nay, that those neither of our blood, nor -speaking our tongue, but devoted to a common empire--will remember -Manning Green when the sale is effected, is the passionate and -heartfelt prayer of - - JAMES BAYLEY. - - - - -ON EDITING. - - - - -ON EDITING. - - -I come now to that part of my subject where pure literature is of -less moment than organization and the power of arrangement; and the -last two divisions of my great task concern work which has been -written by others, and with which the journalist has to deal in the -capacity of manager rather than that of author. These are, a few -notes upon editing, and some further remarks upon Revelations, that -is, unexpected and more or less secret political announcements. - -I deal here first with editing, by which I do not mean the -management of a whole newspaper--for this has no connection -whatever with the art of letters--but the selection, arrangement, -and annotating of work produced by another hand, and entrusted to -the journalist for publication in his columns. The work is far -easier than might appear at first sight. - -The first rule in connection with it is to offend as little as -possible, and especially to spare the living. - -The second rule is to cut down the matter to fit the space at your -disposal. With the exception of a number of MSS. so small that -they may be neglected in the calculation, it does not matter in -the least what you cut out, so long as you remember that the parts -remaining must make sense, and so long as you make this second rule -fit in with the exigencies of the first. - -As for annotation, it is the easiest thing in the world. True to -the general principle which governs all good journalism, that the -giving of pleasure should always be preferred to the giving of -pain, let your annotations pleasantly recall to the reader his own -stock of knowledge, let them be as obvious as possible, and let -him not learn too much from your research. This method has the -additional advantage, that it also saves you an infinity of trouble. - -The matter is really not so elaborate as to need any further -comment. I will proceed at once to my example, prefacing it only -with the shortest explanatory statement, which will show how -thoroughly it illustrates the rules I have just enunciated. - -The wife of one of the principal candidates for Parliament in -our part of the country begged Dr. Caliban to publish a simple, -chatty diary, which her sister (who was married to a neighbouring -squire) had kept during some years. Dr. Caliban was too courteous -to refuse, and had too profound an acquaintance with the rural -character to despise this kind of copy. On the other hand, he was -compelled to point out that he could not allow the series to run -through more than six months, and that he should, therefore, be -compelled to cut it down at his discretion. Full leave was given -him, and I do not think any man could have done the work better. - -Thus the lady’s husband, though a good Englishman in every other -way (an indulgent landlord and a sterling patriot), was German by -birth and language. Here was a truth upon which it would have been -uncharitable and useless to insist--a truth which it was impossible -to conceal, but which it was easy to glide over; and Dr. Caliban, -as the student will see in a moment, glode over it with the -lightest of feet. - -Again, a very terrible tragedy had taken place in the Burpham -family, and is naturally alluded to by their near neighbour. It was -impossible to cut out all mention of this unhappy thing, without -destroying the diary; but in Dr. Caliban’s edition of the MS., the -whole is left as vague as may be. - -The particular part which I have chosen for a model--I think the -most admirable piece of editing I know--is from that week of the -diary which concerns the outbreak of the recent difficulty with -France, a difficulty luckily immediately arranged, after scarcely -a shot had been fired, by the mutual assent of the two nations and -(as it is whispered) by the direct intervention of High Authority. - -The motto which Dr. Caliban chose for the whole series (called, by -the way, “Leaves from a Country Diary”), is a fine sentence from -the works of Mr. Bagehot. - - -LEAVES FROM A COUNTRY DIARY. - - “_An aristocratic body firmly rooted in the national soil is - not only the permanent guarantee of the security of the State, - but resembles, as it were, a man better instructed than his - fellows--more prompt, possessed of ample means, and yet entrusted - with power: a man moreover who never dies._” - -_February 2nd,_ 19--.--To-day is the Purification. The lawn looked -lovely under its veil of snow, and the vicar came in to lunch. We -did not discuss the question of the service, because I know that -Reuben disapproves of it. The vicar told me that Mrs. Burpham is -in dreadful trouble. It seems that the Bank at Molesworth refused -to cash Algernon’s cheque, and that this led Sir Henry Murling -to make investigations about the Chattington affair, so that he -had to be asked to resign his commission. To be sure it is only -in the Militia, but if it all comes out, it will be terrible for -the Monsons. They have already had to dismiss two servants on -these grounds. Jane has a sore throat, and I made her gargle some -turpentine and oil; Ali Baba’s[13] hock is still sore. I do hope -I shall keep my old servants, it is an unwelcome thing to dismiss -them in their old age and the house is never the same again. They -meet to-morrow at Gumpton corner, but not if this weather holds. - -_February 3rd,_ 19--.--It is thawing. There are marks of boots -across the lawn on what is left of the snow, and I am afraid some -one must have gone across it. I wish Reuben would come back. -Called at Mrs. Burpham’s, who is in dreadful trouble. Algernon has -gone up to town to see his solicitor. Poor Mrs. Burpham was crying; -she is so proud of her boy. He says it will be all right. They are -very bitter against the Bank, and Sir Henry, and the regiment, and -the Monsons. I fear they may quarrel with Binston Park[14] also. -Mrs. Burpham was so curious about them; Jane is no better. - -_February 4th,_ 19--.--Reuben came home suddenly by the 2.40 with -Mr. Ehrenbreitstein and Lord Tenterworth. He asked me to put Mr. -Ehrenbreitstein in the Blue room and Lord Tenterworth in the Parrot -room opposite the broom and pail place, where Aunt Marjory used -to sleep. I shall have to clear the clothes out of the drawers. -Just before dinner Mr. Bischoffen came in from the station. Reuben -told me he had asked him. I wish he would give me longer notice. -He brought a secretary with him who cannot talk English. I think -he must be a Spaniard--he is so dark. Jane can hardly speak, her -throat is so bad; I told her she might stay in bed to-morrow till -nine. - -_February 5th,_ 19--.--Mrs. Burpham is certainly in dreadful -trouble. She tells me Algernon has written from St. Malo saying it -will be all right. It was very foolish and imprudent of him to go -over there just now with all this trouble on with France. If only -he had stayed at home (Mrs. Burpham says) she would not have minded -so much, but she is afraid of his getting killed. It seems they are -so savage at St. Malo.[15] Only the other day an English lady had -a stone thrown in her direction in the street. Mr. Bischoffen’s -secretary is not a Spaniard; I think he is a Pole; his name is -Brahms. There was a difficulty about the asparagus last night. It -seems the Germans do not eat it with their fingers. Reuben said I -ought to have got little silver pincers for it. I remember seeing -them in his father’s house, but papa said they were very vulgar. -_Then_ Reuben used to apologise for them, and say that his people -were old fashioned, which was nonsense, of course. I reminded -Reuben of this, and he said, “Ach! Gott!” and I had to leave the -room. Ali Baba is all right; he took a piece of sugar from my hand; -but when I felt his hock he kicked Jones severely. I fear Jones -is really injured, and I have sent for Dr. Minton and for the -veterinary surgeon. - -_February 6th,_ 19--.--Dr. Minton dined here last night before -going to set Jones’ leg, and I gave the veterinary surgeon supper -in the old schoolroom. I am afraid Dr. Minton took too much wine, -for he quarrelled with Mr. Ehrenbreitstein and Mr. Bischoffen -about the danger of war with France. He said they had no right to -speak, and got quite excited. Called again on Mrs. Burpham, and -only appreciated fully to-day in what sad trouble she is. Algernon -has telegraphed from Paris saying it will be all right. Meanwhile -she has certainly quarrelled with Binston Park, and she even spoke -bitterly against the Duke, so that means another family gone--for -the Duke is very proud. I see in the _Standard_ that our Ambassador -has delivered an ultimatum, and that the French are doing all they -can to shirk war. That is what Mr. Bischoffen and Reuben said they -would do, but they must be taught a lesson. Newfoundlands have -fallen, but Reuben says they must rise after the war. I do hope -they will. The dear Bishop called. He says this war is a judgment -on the French. Jane is much better, and can talk quite clearly, and -Ali Baba is almost well. Also it has thawed now completely, and -they can meet on Saturday as usual, so things are looking up all -round. - -_February 7th,_ 19--.--Freddie goes to the Isle of Wight with -the Lambtonshire Regiment, and Mrs. Burpham and the Bishop are -both delighted, because it will bring him and Hepworth together. -It would be such a solace to poor Mrs. Burpham if Freddie could -see active service and get promotion; it would help to wipe out -Algernon’s disgrace, for I fear there is now no doubt of it, -though he says it is all right in his last letter, which is from -Marseilles. Letters still come through from France, because our -Ambassador said that if any tricks were played with them he would -hold the French Government personally responsible, and so cowed -them. The Bishop has gone to London with his family. - -_February 8th,_ 19--.--The _Standard_ has a large map of the North -of France, where the fighting will be. It is very interesting. -Reuben and his friends have gone up to town again. I saw the -Reserves marching through Molesworth to-day; they are going to -garrison Portsmouth.[16] The afternoon post did not come in. Reuben -said he would telegraph, but I have not got any message. The 12.40 -train was an hour late, so I suppose everything is upset by the -war. Maria will have to come home by Bâle, and I do so dread the -passage from Ostend for her; even the hour from Calais to Dover is -more than she can bear. The vicar says that our Government will -force the French to keep the Dover-Calais route open for civilians. -He says it would be against the practice of civilised warfare to -close it, and if that were done we should lay waste the whole -country; but I fear he does not know much about the legal aspect -of the thing: it is his heart, not his head that speaks. It is -dreadful to think what I shall do with Mademoiselle[17] when she -comes home with Maria. One can’t blame her when one thinks that it -is her own country that is going to be harried and her own brothers -brought here as prisoners; but it will be very difficult all the -same. The man who was killed at Bigley races was not a Frenchman -after all: the crowd only thought he was because he had blacked his -face like a negro. It seems that Sir Henry was very hard in court, -and said that the ringleaders were lucky not to be indicted for -manslaughter. It has frozen again, and it is very slippery in the -drive. They are having fireworks or something at Portsmouth, to -judge by the sound. Jones told Jane he thought there was a bonfire -as well, because he could see a glare now and then in the sky from -the window in his room. His leg is setting nicely. - - - - -ON REVELATIONS. - - - - -ON REVELATIONS. - - -Revelations, again, as we found to be the case with editing, do not -properly constitute a department of the art of letters. Though they -are of far more importance than any other branch of contemporary -journalism, yet it is impossible to compare their publication to a -creative act of pure literature. - -It may be urged that such Revelations as are written in the office -of the newspaper publishing them are not only literature, but -literature of a very high order. They are, on the face of it, -extremely difficult to compose. If they are to have any chance of -deceiving the public, the writer must thoroughly know the world -which he counterfeits; he must be able to copy its literary style, -its air, its errors. It is even sometimes necessary for him to -attempt the exquisitely subtle art of forgery. - -The objection is well found; but it is not of this kind of -Revelation that I propose to speak. It belongs to the higher -branches of our art, and is quite unsuited to a little elementary -manual. - -The Revelation I speak of here is the ordinary type of private -communication, domestic treason, or accidental discovery, dealing, -as a rule, with public affairs, and brought to the office -spontaneously by servants, colonial adventurers, or ministers of -religion. - -Nine Revelations out of ten are of this kind; and the young -journalist who may desire to rise in his great calling must make -himself thoroughly familiar with the whole process by which they -are to be procured and published. - -A small amount of additional matter has, indeed, sometimes to be -furnished, but it is almost insignificant, and is, moreover, of so -conventional a nature, that it need not trouble us for a moment. -Some such phrase as “We have received the following communication -from a source upon which we place the firmest reliance,” will do -very well to open with, and at the end: “We shall be interested -to see what reply can be given to the above,” is a very useful -formula. Thus the words “To be continued,” added at the end -are often highly lucrative. They were used by the _Courrier -des Frises_ (a first-class authority on such matters), when it -recently published a number of private letters, written (alas!) in -the English tongue, and concerning the noblest figure in English -politics. - -But though there is little to be done in the way of writing, there -is a considerable mental strain involved in judging whether a -particular Revelation will suit the proprietor of the newspaper -upon which one is employed, and one must not unfrequently be -prepared to suffer from exhausting terrors for some weeks after its -publication. - -Difficult as is the art of testing Revelation, the rules that -govern it are few and simple. The Revelator, if a domestic servant, -wears a round black bowler hat and a short jacket, and a pair -of very good trousers stolen from his master; he will be clean -shaven. If an adventurer or minister of religion, he will wear a -soft felt hat and carry a large muffler round his throat. Either -sort walk noiselessly, but the first in a firm, and the second in a -shuffling manner. I am far from saying that all who enter newspaper -offices under this appearance bear with them Revelations even of -the mildest kind, but I do say that whenever Revelations come, they -are brought by one of these two kinds of men. - -I should add that the Revelator like the moneylender, the spy, -and every other professional man whose livelihood depends upon -efficiency is invariably sober. If any man come to you with a -Revelation and seem even a trifle drunk, dismiss him without -inquiry, though not before you have admonished him upon his shame -and sin, and pointed out the ruin that such indulgence brings upon -all save the wealthy. - -When a man arrives who seems at all likely to have a Revelation -in his pocket, and who offers it for sale, remember that you have -but a few moments in which to make up your mind; put him into the -little room next to the sub-editor, take his MS., tell him you will -show it to your chief, and, as you leave him, lock the door softly -on the outside. - -The next moment may decide your whole career. You must glance at -the Revelation, and judge in that glance whether the public will -believe it even for two full hours. The whole difference between a -successful and an unsuccessful journalist lies in that power of -sudden vision; nor will experience alone achieve it, it must be -experience touched with something like genius. - -Libellous matter you can delete. Matter merely false will not be -remembered against you; but if that rare and subtle character which -convinces the mob be lacking, _that_ is a thing which no one can -supply in the time between the Revelator’s arrival and the paper’s -going to press. - -Finally, when you have made your decision, return, unlock, pay, and -dismiss. Never pay by cheque. Remember how short is the time at -your disposal. Remember that if your paper does not print a really -good Revelation when it is offered, some other paper will. Remember -the _Times_, the _Chronicle_, and Major Esterhazy. Remember Mr. -Gladstone’s resignation. - -... Remember the “Maine.” - -A few practical instances will help us to understand these abstract -rules. - -Consider, for instance, the following--one of the wisest acts of -Dr. Caliban’s whole life. - -Dr. Caliban was busy writing a leader for the _Sunday Englishman_ -upon “Hell or Immortality”; for it was Saturday night, he had just -received the weekly papers, and, as he well said, “A strong Sunday -paper has this advantage, that it can do what it likes with the -weeklies.” - -He was, I say in the midst of Hell or Immortality, when he was -interrupted by a note. He opened it, read it, frowned, and passed -it to me, saying:-- - -“What do you make of this?” - -The note ran:-- - - “I have just been dismissed from the _Spectator_ for sneezing in - an indelicate manner. I have a Revelation to make with regard - to the conduct of that paper. Please see me at once, or it may - be too late. I have with me a letter which the _Spectator_ will - publish next week. It throws a searching light upon the Editor’s - mind, and lays bare all the inner workings of the paper. Price - 40_s._” - -I told Dr. Caliban, that in my opinion, on the one hand, there -might be something in it; while on the other hand, that there might -not. - -Dr. Caliban looked at me thoughtfully and said: - -“You think that?” - -He touched an electric bell. As this did not ring, he blew down -a tube, and receiving no answer, nor indeed hearing the whistle -at the other end, he sent a messenger, who, by some accident, -failed to return to the editorial office. Dr. Caliban himself went -down and brought up the stranger. He was a young man somewhat -cadaverous. He repeated what he had said in his note, refused to -bargain in any way, received two sovereigns from Dr. Caliban’s own -purse, sighed deeply, and then with a grave face said: - -“It feels like treason.” - -He pressed his lips hard together, conquered himself, and left us -with the utmost rapidity. - -When Dr. Caliban and I were alone together, he opened the sealed -envelope and read these words, written on a little slip of foolscap: - -“_The following letter is accepted by the Spectator, and will -be printed next week._” To this slip was pinned a rather dirty -half-sheet of notepaper, and on this was the following letter: - - Balcarry Castle, - County Mayo. - Jan. 19th, 1903. - - To the Editor of the _Spectator_. - - Dear Sir, - - Among your humorous Irish stories perhaps the following will be - worthy to find a place. A dear uncle of mine, my father’s half - brother, and the husband of the talented E. J. S., was bishop of - Killibardine, a prelate of great distinction and considerable - humour. - - I well remember that somewhere in the summer of 1869, his valet - having occasion to call unexpectedly upon a relative (butler to - the Duke of Kerry), the latter observed “Indade, an’ shure now - an’ is that yourself, Pat, Pat asthor, at all, at all,” to which - the witty fellow answered, with the true Irish twinkle in his - eye, “Was your grandfather a monkey?” - - I am very faithfully yours, - THE MACFFIN. - - -Dr. Caliban was heartily amused by the tale, and told me that he -had met the MacFfin some years ago at Lady Marroway’s. - -“Nevertheless,” he added, I don’t think it would be fair to comment -on the little story ... I had imagined that something graver was -toward ...” - -He never spoke again of the small outlay he had made, and I -afterwards found that it had been included in the general expenses -of the paper. I have never forgotten the lesson, nor since that -date have I ever accepted MSS. and paid for it without making -myself acquainted to some extent with the subject. A little such -foresight upon that occasion would have convinced us that a letter -of this kind would never have found a place in a review of the -calibre of the _Spectator_. - -Contrast with Dr. Caliban’s wise and patriotic conduct upon this -occasion the wickedness and folly of the _Evening German_ in the -matter of the Cabinet Crisis. - -For some time the saner papers, which see the Empire as it is, had -been issuing such placards as “He must go,” “Make room for Joseph” -and other terse and definite indications of a new policy. - -The _Evening German_ had for several days headed its leading -article, “Why don’t he resign?” - -A member of the unscrupulous gang who ever lie in wait for whatever -is innocent and enthusiastic called, just before press, upon the -editor of the _Evening German_, passing himself off as the valet -of the minister whose resignation was demanded. He produced a -small sheet of MSS., and affirmed it to be the exact account of an -interview between the minister and his doctor, which interview the -valet had overheard, “concealed,” as he put it “behind an arras.” -He said it would explain the situation thoroughly. He received no -less than 25 guineas, and departed. - -Now let the student read what follows, and ask himself by -what madness a responsible editor came to print a thing so -self-evidently absurd. - - -WHY HE DOES NOT RESIGN! - -We have received upon an unimpeachable authority the verbatim -account of an interview between him and his medical adviser, which -we think thoroughly explains the present deadlock in Imperial -affairs. We are assured upon oath that he was in bed when the -doctor called just before noon yesterday, and that the following -dialogue took place:-- - -MINISTER (_in bed_)--Good morning, Doctor, I am glad to see you. -What can I do for you?... I mean, I am glad to see you. Pray excuse -the inadvertence of my phrase, it is one that I have lately had to -use not a little. - -DOCTOR--Pray let me look at your tongue and feel your pulse. So. We -are getting along nicely. At what hour were you thinking of rising? - -MINISTER--At twelve, my usual hour. I see no reason for lying in -bed, Doctor. (_There was a despairing tone in this phrase_). I am -well enough, Doctor, well enough. (_Here he gazed sadly out of -the window into St. James’s Park_). I am a Minister, but I cannot -minister to a mind diseased (_this rather bitterly_). There is -nothing the matter with me. - -DOCTOR (_cheerily_)--My dear Mr. ----, do not talk so. You will be -spared many, many useful years, I hope. Indeed, I am sure. There -is, as you say, nothing the matter--nothing organically the matter; -this lassitude and nervous exhaustion from which you suffer is a -distressing, but a common symptom of mental activity. (_Here the -doctor dived into a black bag_). Let me sound the chest. - -MINISTER--Will it hurt? (_This was said rather anxiously_). - -DOCTOR--Not a bit of it. I only wish to make assurance doubly -sure--as we say in the profession. (_He put the stethoscope to the -chest of the Cabinet Minister_). Now, draw a deep breath ... no, -deeper than that ... a really deep breath. - -MINISTER (_gasping_)--I can’t. - -DOCTOR--Tut, tut.... Well, it’s all a question of lungs. (_Here he -moved the stethoscope again_). Now sing. - -MINISTER--La! La!... La! - -DOCTOR--Nothing wrong with the lungs. Only a little feeble perhaps. -Do you take any exercise? - -MINISTER (_wearily_)--Oh! yes ... I walk about.... I used to walk -a lot in Ireland.... I’m not like Ch----n; he never takes any -exercise (_bitterly_); but then, he was brought up differently. -(_Sadly_) Oh Doctor! I am so tired!... My back aches. - -DOCTOR--Well, Mr. ----, a little rest will do you all the good in -the world. You have the Easter recess in which to take a thorough -rest. Do not lie in bed all day; get up about five and drive to -your club. Whatever you do, don’t write or think, and don’t let -them worry you with callers. (_The Doctor here prepared to leave_). - -MINISTER (_hopelessly_)--Doctor ... there is something I want to -ask you.... _Can’t_ I give it up? - -DOCTOR (_firmly_)--No, Mr. ----, no. Upon no account. I have told -your uncle and your cousins so fifty times. It is a point upon -which I must be firm. Politics are a necessity to you all. I would -not answer for you if it were not for politics. (_Sympathetically_) -You are none of you strong. - -MINISTER (_heaving a deep sigh_)--No. I am not strong.... Alas!... -Chaplin is. But then, Chaplin’s built differently.... I wish you -would let me give it up, Doctor? - -DOCTOR (_kindly_)--No, my dear Mr. ----, _No!_ Pray put such -thoughts out of your head. Every man must occupy his brain and -body. Most men discover or choose an occupation, but I have not -been a family doctor for thirty years without distinguishing these -from such rare organisms as yours--and your family’s. The House -of Commons is the saving of you. (_The Doctor here paused, gazed -anxiously at Mr. ----, and said slowly_) Perhaps, though, you take -your work too seriously. It is often so with highly strung men. Do -as little as you can. - -MINISTER--I do ... but still it wearies me inexpressibly.. - -DOCTOR--Not so much as writing a book would, or travel, or country -walks. - -MINISTER (_shaking his head_)--I never felt so tired after “It -May be True,” nor even after “I Greatly Doubt It,” as I do now -(_smiling a little_). They sold well. - -DOCTOR--And why? Because you were engaged in politics. Believe me, -dear Mr. ----, without that one regular employment you would do -little or nothing. It is the balance-wheel that regulates your -whole system. Change the rules, and, if you will, limit debate to a -minimum, but do not think of giving up the one thing that keeps up -your circulation. More men die from inanition than I care to tell -you. - -MINISTER--Very well, Doctor ... (_weakly and quietly_) it is nearly -one; I must sleep ... Good-bye. - -_The Doctor here went out on tip-toe. The Minister slept. There was -a great silence._ - - * * * * * - -The _Evening German_ suffered severely, and would have been ruined -but for the prompt action of the Frankfort House; and the whole -incident shows as clearly as possible what perils surround the most -tempting, but the most speculative, sort of journalistic enterprise. - -The student may tell me--and justly--that I have offered him none -but negative examples. I will complete his instruction by printing -one of the best chosen Revelations I know. - -At the time when a number of letters addressed to Mr. Kruger by -various public men were captured, and very rightly published, a -certain number were, for reasons of State, suppressed. To Dr. -Caliban, reasons of State were no reasons; he held that no servant -of the people had a right to keep the people in ignorance. - -Within a week, a detective in his employ had brought a little -sheaf of documents, which, judged by internal evidence alone, were -plainly genuine. - -They were printed at once. They have never since been challenged. - - -I. - - 497, Jubilee Row, - B’ham, - 19.7.’99. - - Dear Sir.--We must respectfully press for the payment of our - account. The terms upon which the ammunition was furnished were - strictly cash, and, as you will see by the terms of our letter - of the 15th last, we cannot tolerate any further delay. If we - do not hear from you relative to same by next mail, we shall be - compelled to put the matter into the hands of our solicitors. - - Yours, &c., - JOHN STANDFAST, - Pro Karl Biffenheimer and Co. - - -II. - - Yacht _Fleur de Lys_. - Prince ne Daigne. - - Palerme, - Sicile. - - Ci, la feste de l’Assomption de la T.S.V. - - (Vieux Style) - - L’an de N.S.J.C. MCM. - - (1900). - - Monsieur Mon Frère.--Nous vous envoyons nos remerciemens pour - vos souhaits et vous assurons de la parfaicte amictié qui liera - toujours nos couronnes alliées. Faictes. Continuez. - - Agréez, Monsieur Mon Frère, l’assurance de notre consideration - Royale la plus distinguée. - - ORLÉANS, - pour le Roy, - _Chétif_. - - Vu, pour copie conforme, - _Le Seneschal_, BRU. - - -III. - - Offices of the _Siècle_, - Paris, - Chef-lieu of the - department of the Seine, - France. - 6, Thermidor, 108. - - My good Kruger.--It is evidently necessary that I should speak - out to you in plain English. I can’t go into a long dissertation, - but if you will read the books I send herewith, _The Origin of - Species_, Spencer’s _Sociology_, Grant Allen’s _Evolution of the - Idea of God_, &c., you will see why I can’t back you up. As for - your contemptible offer, I cast it back at you with disdain. - My name alone should have protected me from such insults. I - would have you know that my paper represents French opinion in - England, and is now owned by an international company. I am the - irremovable editor. - - Yours with reserve, - YVES GUYOT. - - P.S.--I have been a Cabinet Minister. I send you a circular of - our new company. It is a good thing. Push it along. - - -IV. - - The Chaplaincy, - Barford College, - Old St. Winifred’s Day, - 1900. - - My dear Mr. Kruger.--Your position is at once interesting and - peculiar, and deserves, as you say, my fullest attention. On the - one hand (as you well remark) you believe you have a right to - your independence, and that our Government has no moral right - to interfere in your domestic affairs. You speak warmly of Mr. - Chamberlain and describe him as lacking in common morality - or (as we put it) in breeding. I think you are hardly fair. - Mr. Chamberlain has his own morality, and in that summing - up of all ethics which we in England call “manners,” he is - indistinguishable from other gentlemen of our class. He has had - a great deal to bear and he has latterly borne it in silence. It - is hardly the part of a generous foe to taunt him now. I fear you - look upon these matters a little narrowly and tend to accept one - aspect as the absolute. The truth is that international morality - must always be largely Utilitarian, and in a very interesting - little book by Beeker it is even doubted whether what we call - “ethics” have any independent existence. This new attitude (which - we call “moral anarchism”) has lately cast a great hold upon our - younger men and is full of interesting possibilities. If you - meet Milner you should discuss the point with him. I assure you - this school is rapidly ousting the old “comparative-positive” - in which he and Curzon were trained. There is a great deal of - self-realization going on also. Lord Mestenvaux (whom you have - doubtless met--he was a director of the Johannesberg Alcohol - Concession) is of my opinion. - - Believe me, my dear Mr. Kruger, with the fullest and warmest - sympathy for such of your grievances as may be legitimate, and - with the ardent prayer that the result of this deplorable quarrel - may turn out to be the best for _both_ parties, - - Your affectionate Friend of old days, - JOSHIA LAMBKIN, M.A., - Fellow and Chaplain. - - -V. - - (Telegram.) - - Send orders payable Amsterdam immediate, Liberal party clamouring - ... (name illegible) risen to ten thousand, market firm and - rising. Waste no money on comic paper. Not Read. - - (Unsigned.) - - -Finally this damning piece of evidence must close the terrible -series. - - -VI. - - To the Rev. Ebenezer Biggs, Capetown. - The House of Commons, - April 10th, 1899. - - My dear Sir.--You put me in a very difficult position, for, - on the one hand, I cannot, and would not, work against the - interests of my country, and, on the other hand, I am convinced - that Mr. Chamberlain is determined to plunge that country into - the war spoken of by John in Revelations ix. Anything I can - do for peace I will, but for some reason or other the _Times_ - will not insert my letters, though I write to them twice and - sometimes thrice in one day. Sir Alfred Milner was once very rude - to me. He is a weak man morally, mainly intent upon “getting - on;” he has agreed since his youth with every single person of - influence (except myself) whom he happened to come across, and - is universally liked. I fear that no one’s private influence - can do much. The London Press has been bought in a lump by two - financiers. Perhaps a little waiting is the best thing. There is - sure to be a reaction, and after all, Mr. Chamberlain is a man of - a very low order. His mind, I take it, is not unlike his face. - He thinks very little and very clearly ... I have really nothing - more to say. - - Always your sincere friend, - EDWARD BAYTON. - - -No one knew better than Dr. Caliban that a Revelation is but -weakened by comment. But the war was at its height, and he could -not read without disgust such words, written in such a place by -such a man. - -He added the note: - - “We understand that the law officers of the Crown are debating - whether or no the concluding sentences of this disgraceful letter - can be made to come within 26 Edward III., cap. 37, defining high - treason. It is certainly not a physical attack upon the Person, - Consort, or offspring of the Crown, nor is it (strictly speaking) - giving aid to the Queen’s enemies. On the other hand, it is - devoutly hoped that the attack on Mr. Chamberlain can be made to - fall under 32 Henry VIII., 1, whereby it is felony to strike or - ‘provoke’ the King’s servants within the precincts of the Palace. - The infamous screed was certainly written in a palace, and Mr. - Chamberlain is as certainly a servant of the Queen. He certainly - was provoked--nay nettled. The latter clauses of the act, - condemning those who attack the doctrine of Transubstantiation - to be roasted alive, have, of course, fallen into desuetude. The - earlier, milder, and more general clauses stand, and _should be - enforced_.” - -Let me not be misunderstood. I think it was an error to pen that -comment. Strong expressions, used in a time of high party feeling, -may look exaggerated when they survive into quieter times. But if -it was an error, it was the only error that can be laid to the -charge of a just and great man in the whole course of forty years, -during which period he occasionally edited as many as five journals -at a time. - - - - -SPECIAL PROSE. - - - - -SPECIAL PROSE. - - -Mrs. Caliban begged me to add a few words on “Special Prose,” -and to subjoin an example of that manner. She has suggested for -the latter purpose Mrs. Railston’s “Appreciation of William -Shakespeare,” written as a preface for the Charing Cross -Shakespeare in 1897. She has even been at the pains of asking Mrs. -Railston’s leave to have it included in this volume, a permission -that was at once granted, accompanied with the courteous request -that Mrs. Railston’s name, address, and private advertisement -should accompany the same. - -Were I dependent upon my own judgment alone, the wisdom of -adding such a division at the close of these essays might seem -doubtful. Special Prose is an advanced kind of literature, too -great an attraction to which might at first confuse rather than -aid the student; and I should hardly make a place for it in a -straightforward little Text-book. - -Mrs. Caliban’s wishes in all matters concerning this work must be -observed, and I have done what she desired me, even to the degree -of printing Mrs. Railston’s advertisement, though I am certain that -great Authoress does herself harm by this kind of insistence ... It -is no business of mine.... - -It is only fair to add that prose of this sort _is_ the highest -form of our Art, and should be the ultimate goal of every reader -of this Guide. If, however, the student is bewildered in his first -attempt to decipher it (as he very well may be), my advice to him -is this: let him mark the point to which he has persevered, and -then put the whole thing aside until he has had some little further -practice in English letters. Then let him return, fresh from other -work, some weeks later, and see if he cannot penetrate still -further into the close-knit texture. Soon he will find it almost -like his own tongue, and will begin to love and to understand. - -Not many months will pass before it will mean to him something more -than life, as he once imagined, could contain. - -Having said so much, let me hasten to obey Mrs. Caliban’s command. - - -WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. - -_An Appreciation._ - -BY MARGARET RAILSTON. - -How very manifestly well did not Montaigne (I think it was) say in -his essay upon Value that the “inner part of Poesy is whilom hid, -whilom bare, and it matters little whether it be bare or hidden.” -That was a sentence such as our Wordsworth might have quoted at -the high court of Plato when the poets were arraigned as unworthy -to be rooted in his Republic. For the most part these dear poets -of our tongue will rather have it bare than hidden, leaving the -subtleties of “The Misanthrope” to another race, and themselves -preferring the straight verbal stab of “The Idiot Boy” or “Danny -Deever;” so that many of us see nothing in the Rhymed Heroics of -the Grand Siècle. Yet Molière also had genius. - - “Molière a du génie et Christian été beau.” - -That sentence given nasally by a Coquelin to a theatre-full -of People of the Middle-Class should convince also us of the -Hither-North that flowers may blow in any season and be as various -as multiplicity may. - -William Shakespeare, without all question and beyond any repining, -is--or rather was--the first of our Poets, and was--or rather -is--the first to-day. So that, with him for a well and the -Jacobean Bible for a further spring of effort, our English Poets -make up (“build” Milton called it) the sounding line. But William -Shakespeare also is of us: he will have it on the surface or not at -all; as a man hastening to beauty, too eager to delve by the way. -And with it all how he succeeds! What grace and what appreciation -in epithet, what subtle and sub-conscious effects of verb! What -resonant and yet elusive diction! It is true Shakespeare, that -line-- - - “Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May.” - -And that other-- - - “Or stoops with the Remover to remove.” - -And these are true Shakespeare because in each there is we know -not what of ivory shod with steel. A mixture of the light and the -strong, of the subtle and the intense rescues his simple words from -oblivion. But another, not of our blood, would have hidden far -more; he shows it all, frankly disdaining artifice. - -Also the great Elizabethan needs room for his giant limbs, for -his frame of thought and his thews of diction. Cite him just too -shortly, choose but a hair’s breadth too mickle an ensample of his -work, and it is hardly Poesy, nay, hardly Prose. Thus you shall -have Othello--the Moor they call him--betrayed and raging, full of -an African Anger. What does he say of it? Why very much; but if you -are of those that cut out their cameos too finely; you slip into -quoting this merely:-- - - _Oth._ Hum! Hum! - -And that is not our Shakespeare at all, nor e’en our Othello. Oh! -no, it is nothing but a brutish noise, meaning nothing, empty of -tragedy, unwished for. - -It was Professor Goodle who said that “none needed the spaces of -repose more than Shakespeare,” and taught us in these words that -the poet must have hills and valleys; must recline if he is to -rise. But does not Shakespeare, even in his repose, seem to create? -The Professor will indeed quote to us the mere sprawling leisure of -Stratford, and shame us with such lines as-- - - MAC.--The Devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon, - Where got’st thou that goose look? - -Which is Shakespeare at full length. But we also, that are not over -sure of Shakespeare’s failing, can answer him with such excerpts as -these:-- - - HEN.--Therefore do thou, stiff-set Northumberland, - Retire to Chester, and my cousin here, - The noble Bedford, his to Glo’ster straight - And give our Royal ordinance and word - That in this fit and strife of empery - No loss shall stand account. To this compulsion - I pledge my sword, my person and my honour - On the Great Seal of England: so farewell. - Swift to your charges: nought was ever done - Unless at some time it were first begun. - -This also is Shakespeare in his repose, but a better Shakespeare -than he whom the Professor would challenge. For though there is -here no work or strain in the thing, yet it reeks of English. It -is like the mist over our valleys at evening, so effortless is it -and so reposeful, and yet so native. Note the climax “On the Great -Seal of England” and the quaint, characteristic folk-lore of the -concluding couplet, with its rhyming effect. Note also how sparing -is William Shakespeare of the strong qualificative, however just -it may be. For when our moderns will speak hardly of “the tolerant -kine” or “the under-lit sky,” or of “the creeping river like a -worm upturned, with silver belly stiffened in the grass,” though -they be by all this infinitely stronger, yet are they but the more -condensed and self-belittled. Shakespeare will write you ten lines -and have in all but one just and sharp adjective--“stiff-set;” for -the rest they are a common highway; he cares not. - -And here he is in the by-paths; a meadow of Poesy. I have found -it hidden away in one of the latter plays; the flowers of his -decline:-- - - “Fear no more the heat o’ the sun, - Nor the furious winter’s rages; - Now thine earthly task is done, - Thou’rt gone home and ta’en thy wages. - Golden lads and lasses must, - Like chimney-sweepers, come to dust.” - -There is in that a line I swear no one but Shakespeare would have -dared. “Thou’rt gone home and ta’en thy wages.” Commonplace? A text -on the wall? A sermon-tag? All you will, but a _frame for glory_. - -This then is William Shakespeare in a last word. A man at work full -of doing; the Ϝ ἔργον: glad if you saw the mark of the chisel; -still more glad if you did not see it. And if it be queried why -are such things written of him? Why do we of the last and woful -days turn and return the matter of our past? We say this. _Vixere -Fortes_; that is, no fame were enduring save by continued iterance -and echo of similar praise, nor any life well earned in the public -sheets that dared not touch on any matter and remodel all. It is -for ourselves and for William Shakespeare that these things are -done. For ourselves, that is a private thing to hide under the veil -of the Home-lofe. For William Shakespeare, that is the public duty, -that his fame may not fail in the noise of new voices. And we can -borrow from him and return to him what he said of another with such -distinction of plane and delicate observance of value:-- - - “So long as men shall breathe and eyes can see, - This lives, and living, this gives life to thee.” - - [_Notices in this manner can be furnished at reasonable notice - upon any poet, preferably a young or a modern poet, on the usual - terms. The style is produced in seven distinct sizes, of which - this is No. 3. Please state No. when ordering. All envelopes to - be addressed._ - - Mrs. MARGARET RAILSTON, - c/o Charlie Bernberg, - 48, Upper Gannimore Gardens, - Shepherd’s Bush, W. - - _All envelopes to be marked “Appreciation.” Accounts monthly. All - cheques to be crossed “Becker, Becker, & Bernberg.”_] - - - - -APPENDIX - - - - -PRICES CURRENT. - - -In all ordinary lines Prices were well maintained and rising -at the outbreak of the Spanish-American War. They rose sharply -thenceforward till the second week of the war in South Africa, -since which date they have been sagging, touching bed rock in the -spring of this year (March, 1903). There has been a slight reaction -since the beginning of the season, but it is not supported, and the -market is still extremely dull. Patriotic Poems have fallen out -of sight, and Criticism is going begging: in some offices books -are no longer given to their reviewers: sub-editors have latterly -been asked to bring their own suppers. The pinch is being felt -everywhere. Police reports are on piece-work and the Religious -Column is shut down to half shifts. Leader writers have broken -from 1100 a year to 300. Editors have suffered an all-round cut -in wages of 25 per cent. Publishers’ carrying-over days are more -anxious than ever. Several first-class houses were hammered on -the last contango, and the Banks are calling in loans. Private -capital can hardly be obtained save for day-to-day transactions, -and even so at very high rates of interest. The only lines that are -well maintained are City Articles and Special Prose. Snippets are -steady. - -The following list is taken from Hunter’s Handbook, and represents -Prices at the close of May:-- - - -PROSE. - -(_Prices in shillings per thousand words_). - - RISE OR FALL. - Special Prose 30/- 35/- Unchanged. - Street Accidents 10/- 12/- - 5/- - Reviews 7/6 10/- - 20/- - Police Court Notices 15/- 18/- - 5/- - Guaranteed Libels 25/- 30/- - 3/- - Unguaranteed ditto 5/- 7/- + 2/- - Deferred ditto 14/- 16/- + 4/- - Pompous Leaders 8/- 10/- - 25/-! - Smart Leaders 9/- 11/6 + 3/- - Ten-line Leaderettes 10/- 12/- Unchanged. - Political Appeals 15/- 17/- - 30/- - Attacks on Foreign Nations 3/- 3/6 - 48/-!! - Dramatic Criticism 20/- 25/- Unchanged. - Historical Work -- 6d.? (Practically - no demand). - Religious Notes 12/- 18/- - 8/- - Attacks upon Christianity 4/- 4/6 - 5/- (A - very heavy fall for this - kind of matter). - - -VERSE. - -(_Prices in pence per line_). - - Bad Verse No price can be given--very variable. - Good minor Verse. 3d. (much the same as last year). - Special Verse 1/- (a heavy fall). - - -READY RECKONER. - -_This Table does not profess any minute accuracy; it will, however, -be found amply sufficient for all practical purposes._ - - PENCE SHILLINGS PER SHILLINGS PER POUNDS PER - PER LINE. LONG COLUMN. SHORT COLUMN. THOUSAND - Pica. Minion.[18] Pica. Minion.[18] WORDS. - Bourgeois. Bourgeois. - - ¼_d._ 3/9 4/3 5/- 3/- 3/9 4/6 £0·16378.[19] - ½_d._ 7/6 8/6 10/- 6/- 7/6 9/- £0·32757. - ¾_d._ 11/3 12/9 15/- 9/- 11/3 13/6 £0·49135. - 1_d._[20] 15/- 17/- 20/- 12/- 15/- 18/- £0·65514. - 1½_d._ 22/6 25/6 30/- 18/- 22/6 27/- £0·98270.[21] - 2_d._[22] 30/- 34/- 40/- 24/- 30/- 36/- £1·31028. - 2½_d._ 37/6 42/6 50/- 30/- 37/6 45/- £1·63705. - -No prices superior to this last for Prose. - -Verse up to 1/- a line. See preceding page, not reckoned in cols. -or 1000 words. - - -(The Sections dealing with “THE DETECTION OF CLASSICAL AUTHORS” and -“THE VIVID PRESENTATION OF HISTORY,” have been omitted by request -of the Family. It is perhaps as well.) - - - - -NOTE ON TITLES. - - -The young journalist will never make an error as to the title of an -individual, and his proper style and address, if he will but learn -to trust the books of reference provided by the office. - -They are far more accurate than other works of the kind.[23] -Contrast, for instance, Bowley’s _Peerage and Baronetage_ with -Bowley’s _Register of Events during the past year_. - -What may be called “derivative titles” differ in the most -complicated manner according to the rank of the parent. It would be -quite impossible for the journalist to attempt to learn them. He -had far better write plain “Lord” and “Lady” where he has occasion -to, and on all other occasions whatsoever, “Mr.” or, if he prefer -the term, “Esquire.” In conversation no Lord should be addressed -as “My Lord,” but a Bishop should always be so addressed; no Duke -should be called “Your Grace” to his face, but it is courteous to -bestow this honour upon an Archbishop. It is still more important -to avoid the term “milady” in speaking to the consorts of the -above named, especially in the case of bishops’ wives, to whom the -title does not apply. Baronets, on the other hand, must always be -addressed as “Sir,” followed by a Christian name. The omission to -do this has led to grievous trouble. The principal English titles -are, Prince, Duke, Marquis, Marquess (a more recent creation), -Earl, Baron; then comes a division; then Irish Peers, Baronets, -Knights, and finally Members of the Victorian Order. - -The principal foreign titles are Count, Viscount (which by the way -is also an English title, but I forgot it), Vidame, Chevalier, -Excellency, Graf, Furst, Margrave, Baron, Boyar, Monsignor, and -Grandee--the latter used only in Spain, Ceuta, and the other -Spanish dominions beyond the seas. - -Imperial titles are:--the Maharajah, the Maharanee, the Akon of -Swat, the Meresala of Baghirmi, the Oyo of Oya, the Allemami -of Foutazallam, the Ameer, the Emir, the Bally-o-Gum of -Abe-o-Kuta,[24] and others too numerous to mention. All these -should, in general, be addressed as Your Highness. - -Colonials are called “The Honourable.” - - - - -NOTE ON STYLE. - - -One does well to have by one a few jottings that will enable one -to add to one’s compositions what one calls style in case it is -demanded of one by an editor. - -I would not insist too much upon the point; it is simple enough, -and the necessity of which I speak does not often crop up. But -editors differ very much among themselves, and every now and then -one gets a manuscript returned with the note, “please improve -style,” in blue pencil, on the margin. If one had no idea as to the -meaning of this a good deal of time might be wasted, so I will add -here what are considered to be the five principal canons of style -or good English. - -The first canon, of course, is that style should have -_Distinction_. Distinction is a quality much easier to -attain than it looks. It consists, on the face of it, in the -selection of peculiar words and their arrangement in an odd and -perplexing order, and the objection is commonly raised that such -irregularities cannot be rapidly acquired. Thus the Chaplain of -Barford, preaching upon style last Holy Week, remarked “there is a -natural tendency in stating some useless and empty thing to express -oneself in a common or vulgar manner.” That is quite true, but it -is a tendency which can easily be corrected, and I think that that -sentence I have just quoted throws a flood of light on the reverend -gentleman’s own deficiencies. - -Of course no writer is expected to write or even to speak in this -astonishing fashion, but what is easier than to go over one’s work -and strike out ordinary words? There should be no hesitation as -to what to put in their place. Halliwell’s “Dictionary of Archaic -and Provincial Words” will give one all the material one may -require. Thus “lettick” is charming Rutlandshire for “decayed” -or “putrescent,” and “swinking” is a very good alternative for -“working.” It is found in Piers Plowman. - -It is very easy to draw up a list of such unusual words, each -corresponding with some ordinary one, and to pin it up where it -will meet your eye. In all this matter prose follows very much the -same rules as were discovered and laid down for verse on page 86. - -The second canon of style is that it should be _obscure_, -universally and without exception. The disturbance of the natural -order of words to which I have just alluded is a great aid, but it -is not by any means the only way to achieve the result. One should -also on occasion use several negatives one after the other, and -the sly correction of punctuation is very useful. I have known a -fortune to be made by the omission of a full stop, and a comma put -right in between a noun and its adjective was the beginning of -Daniel Witton’s reputation. A foreign word misspelt is also very -useful. Still more useful is some allusion to some unimportant -historical person or event of which your reader cannot possibly -have heard. - -As to the practice, which has recently grown up, of writing -only when one is drunk, or of introducing plain lies into every -sentence, they are quite unworthy of the stylist properly so -called, and can never permanently add to one’s reputation. - -The third canon of style is the _occasional omission_ of a verb or -of the predicate. Nothing is more agreeably surprising, and nothing -more effective. I have known an honest retired major-general, while -reading a novel in his club, to stop puzzling at one place for an -hour or more in his bewilderment at this delightful trick, and for -years after he would exclaim with admiration at the style of the -writer. - -The fourth canon of style is _to use metaphors_ of a striking, -violent, and wholly novel kind, in the place of plain statement: -as, to say “the classics were grafted on the standing stirp of -his mind rather than planted in its soil,” which means that the -man had precious little Greek, or again, “we propose to canalize, -not to dam the current of Afghan development,” which means that -the commander of our forces in India strongly refused to campaign -beyond the Khyber. - -This method, which is invaluable for the purpose of flattering the -rich, is very much used among the clergy, and had its origin in our -great Universities, where it is employed to conceal ignorance, and -to impart tone and vigour to the tedium of academic society. The -late Bishop of Barchester was a past master of this manner, and -so was Diggin, the war correspondent, who first talked of a gun -“coughing” at one, and was sent home by Lord Kitchener for lying. - -The fifth canon of style is, that when you are bored with writing -and do not know what to say next, you should hint at unutterable -depths of idea by the introduction of a row of asterisks. - - * * * * * - - - - -THE ODE. - - -The writing of Odes seems to have passed so completely out of our -literary life, that I thought it inadvisable to incorporate any -remarks upon it with the standing part of my book, but I cannot -refrain from saying a few words upon it in the Appendix, since I -am convinced that it is destined to play a great part in the near -future. - -I will take for my example the well-known Ode (almost the only -successful modern example of this form of composition) which was -sung on the beach at Calshott Castle, by a selected choir, on the -return of Mr. Joseph Chamberlain from South Africa; and I will use -some passages from it in order to emphasize the leading principle -that _the Ode depends for its effectiveness almost entirely upon -the music accompanying it_. - -Thus, Mr. Daniel Witton’s opening lines: - - “What stranger barque from what imperial shores - The angry Solent dares to what mysterious goal?” - -would seem tame enough were it not for the wonderful rising of the -notes, which accompany them; and the famous outburst: - - “She to Southampton steers!” - -is equally dependent upon the crash of music and the combined -voices of the whole choir. It is difficult for us, who have heard -it rendered in the Albert Hall, to appreciate what the words would -be without this adventitious aid. Even the lovely single line, - - “Lift up your head, Southampton, dry your honourable tears,” - -would be less without the delicate soprano floating above its -syllables. - -I will admit that the passage on the body-guard of National Scouts -is very fine, but then, precisely in proportion as it is effective -_quâ_ literature, it fails to impress when accompanied by music, -though the author of the score was wise enough to set it to a -somewhat monotonous recitative. If the student will read the lines -slowly to himself, first with, and then without, the notes, he will -see what I mean. - - “And who more fit than they - Whose better judgment led them to betray - An aged leader and a failing cause - Because-- - Because they found it pay.” - -Mr. Daniel Witton did not write that word “because” twice over in -his original manuscript. He put it in twice to please the musician -(whose ignorance of the English tongue was a great handicap -throughout), and, as I at least think, he made an error in so doing. - -All that passage where the great politician - - “ ... taking off his hat,” - -comes into the palace at Pretoria, where - - “ ... in awful state alone, - Alone, the scientific Monist sat, - Who guards our realm, extends its narrow bounds, - And to achieve his end, - Is quite prepared to spend - The inconceivably imperial sum of twice three hundred times five - hundred thousand pounds,” - -shows the grave difficulty of wedding the verse to the music. -The last line is intolerably clumsy, when read without the air -accompanying it; and the whole illustrates very well my contention -that music should be the chief thing in the composition of an ode, -and that the libretto should be entirely subservient to it. - -A still better example is found in the great chorus “Pretoria,” -which begins-- - - “Pretoria with her hundred towers - Acknowledges his powers,” - -and “Johannesburg,” which ends-- - - “Heil! heil! hoch! heil! du ubermenslich’ wohl-gebornen Graf - von Chamberlein, - While underground, - While underground, - Such rare and scattered Kaffirs as are found - Repeat the happy, happy, happy, happy sound.” - -And of course the lyric at the end-- - - “All in his train de luxe - Reading selected books, - Including Conan Doyle’s ingenious fiction - And popular quota- - Tions, verses by the way - For which he has a curious predilection, - And Mr. Werther’s work - Called ‘England shall not shirk,’ - Or ‘The Cape to Cairo, Kairouan and Cadiz,’ - And ‘Burke,’ and ‘Who is Who,’ - And ‘Men and Women’ too, - And ‘Etiquette for Gentlemen and Ladies,’” - Et cetera, et cetera. - -All that lyric depends entirely for its effects upon the little -Venetian air taken from Sullivan, who himself took it from Verdi, -who got it from a Gondolier. The words by themselves have no beauty -whatsoever. - -Indeed, I think in the whole Ode there is but one exception to the -rule I have laid down, and that is at the very end, where they sing -of the accomplished task and, in a fine hyperbole, of the “Great -story that shall shake the affrighted years.” - -The last five lines are such good music and such good verse that I -cannot dissociate one from the other:-- - - CHORUS. And now returns he, turns, turns he to his own-- - - TROMBONE. Ah, maddened with delight, - I welcome him upon the loud trombone. - - THE BASS DRUM. I, in more subtle wise, - Upon the big bass drum. - - THE TENOR. And I upon the trembling flute, that shrieks and - languishes and dies. - - ALL THREE. Welcome, and make a widowed land rejoice: - Welcome, attunéd voice;-- - Sweet eyes! - -It is a very fine ending, and I congratulate Mr. Daniel Witton upon -it most sincerely.... - - * * * * * - -It reminds one of the Bacchæ. - - * * * * * - -Should the student desire to attempt something of the kind for -himself, he cannot do better than to invite a musical friend and -compose the ode strictly in conjunction with him; neither should -write separately from the other, and let there be no quarrels or -tantrums, but let each be ready to give way. - -I suggest, as a subject for this exercise, a Funeral Ode upon the -same statesman, to be sung when occasion serves. - - - - -ON REMAINDERS AND PULPING. - - -Should the student aspire to collect his journalistic work, or -the less ephemeral part of it, into book form, he will do well to -apply to some old and established firm of publishers, who will -give him a reasonable estimate for its production, plus the cost -of advertising, warehousing, wear and tear, office expenses, etc., -etc., to which must be added the customary Fee. - -The book so issued will be sent to the Press for notice and review, -and will, some weeks later, be either Remaindered or Pulped. It is -important to have a clear idea of these processes which accompany -an author throughout his career. - -A book is said to be _Remaindered_ when it is sold to the -secondhand bookseller in bulk; 10 per cent. of the sums so -received, less the cost of cartage to and fro from shop to shop, -and the wages of the Persuader who attempts to sell the volumes, -is then credited to the author in his account, which is usually -pressed upon the completion of the transaction. - -The less fortunate must be content with _Pulping_. In the midst -of their chagrin they will be consoled by the thought that their -book enjoys a kind of resurrection, and will reappear beneath some -other, and--who knows?--perhaps some nobler form. The very paper -upon which these words are printed may once have formed part of -a volume of verse, or of Imperialist pamphlets subsidised by the -South African Women’s League. - -A book is said to be _Pulped_ when it is sold at so many pence the -thousand copies to the Pulpers[25] for Pulping. The transformation -is effected as follows:--First the covers are thoroughly and -skilfully torn off the edition by girls known as “Scalpers” or -“Skinners,” and the Poems (or whatnot), after going through this -first process, are shot in batches of twenty-four into a trough, -which communicates by an inclined plane with open receptacles -known technically as “bins.” Hence the sheets are taken out by -another batch of hands known as “feeders”--for it is their duty -to “feed” the marvellous machine which is the centre of the whole -works. The Poems (as we may imagine them to be) are next thrown by -the “feeders,” with a certain rapid and practised gesture, into a -funnel-shaped receiver, where they are caught by Six Large Rows of -strong Steel Teeth[26] known as the “Jaws,” which are so arranged -as just barely to miss each other; these work alternatively back -and forth, and reduce the hardest matter to shreds in an incredibly -short time. - -The shreds so formed fall on to a wide endless band, which carries -them on into the “bowl,” where they are converted under a continual -stream of boiling water, into a kind of loose paste. Lest any trace -of the original Poetic (or Prose) composition could remain to -trouble the whiteness of the rapidly forming mixture, this water -contains a 30% solution of Sardonic Oxide, two kilogrammes of which -will bleach one thousand kilos of shredded Poems or Essays in from -thirty-five to forty minutes. When the Poems or whatnot have been -finally reduced to a white and formless mass, they are termed -_pulp_ and this pulp is laid out into frames, to be converted once -more into paper, Art, glazed, and medium. - -This principle of “the Conservation of Paper” or, as Lord Balton -(Sir Charles Quarry) has himself called it, “the Circulation of -Literature,” is naturally more developed among the Anglo-Saxon -peoples than upon the Continent. The patriotic reader will be -pleased to hear that whereas of existing German books barely 35% -are pulped within the year, of French books not 27%, and of Italian -but 15%; of our total production--which is far larger--no less -than 73% are restored to their original character of useful blank -paper within the year, ready to receive further impressions of -Human Genius and to speed on its accelerated round the progress of -Mankind. - - - AMEN. - - - - -INDEX. - - - Abingdon, History of, by Lord Charles Gamber, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Action, Combination of, with Plot, Powerful Effect of in Modern - Novels, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Advertisement, Folly and Waste of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Affection, Immoderate, for our own Work, Cure of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - All Souls, College of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Amusements of Printers and Publishers, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Art, Literary, Ultimate End of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Astonishment of, Young Poet, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Authorship, Vanity of Human, see Pulping, p. 187. - - - Baronets, Family Histories of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Benjamin Kidd, see Kidd. - - Beaune, Wine of, Its Consoling Qualities, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Beotius, Decline in Sale of Works of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Bilge, Literature so Termed, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Bird, The Honourable, his “Essay on Popery,” see Pulping, p. 187. - - Books, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Bore, Books that, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Boston, Effect of, upon American Culture, see Pulping, p. 187. - - - Cabs, Necessity of, to Modern Publisher, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Cabs to Authors, Unwarrantable Luxury, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Call, Divine, to a Literary Career, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Curse, Publishers a, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Curzon, Lord, his Literary Works, see Pulping, p. 187. - - - Damn, Expletive, When Used, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Damn, Thirteen Qualifications of Same, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Daniel in Lion’s Den Compared to a Just Author, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Dogs, Reputation Going to the, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Dowagers, Novels Written by, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Doyle, Conan, see O’Doyle. - - Dozen, Trade Term for Thirteen, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Dreyfus, Literature upon, see Pulping, p. 187. - - - Education, Futility of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Eighty Club, see Female Suffrage, also Suffrage. - - Elders, see Suzanna. - - England, Source and Wealth of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Evil, Origin of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - - Fame, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Fate, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Finesse, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Finland, Doom of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Francis of Assisi, Saint, Modern Books on, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Fuss, Folly of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - - Genius, Indestructibility of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - - Hanging, Suicide by, when Caused by Failure, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Heaven, Monkish Fables upon, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Hell, ditto, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Howl, The Sudden, When Excusable, see Pulping, p. 187. - - “Huguenot,” pseudonym, his “Influence of Jesuits in Europe,” see - Pulping, p. 187. - - - India, Lord Curzon’s Views on, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Inspiration, Sole Source of Poetry, see Pulping, p. 187. - - - Jesuits, Their Reply to “Huguenot,” see Pulping, p. 187. - - - Kidd, Benjamin, Philosophy of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Kruger, Memoirs of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - - Lamb, Charles, Centenary Edition of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - London, Fascination of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - “Lunaticus,” his Essays on Foreign Politics, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Luzon, “How Old Glory Floats Over” (Putnam & Co., 3 dollars), see - Pulping, p. 187. - - - “Mamma,” “Darling Old,” Story for Children, by the Countess of K----, - see Pulping, p. 187. - - Maché, Papier, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Milner, Lord, Proclamations of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Moulds, Modern Books Printed from, see Pulping, p. 187. - - “Mucker,” “To Come a,” Publishers’ slang, see Pulping, p. 187. - - - Name, Real, of “Diplomaticus,” see Pulping, p. 187. - - - O’Doyle, Conan, Political Works of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Opper, Caricatures of England by, see Pulping, p. 187. - - - Paper, How Procured, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Profits, Half, System of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Pulping, p. 187. - - - Queen of Roumania, Verses by, see Pulping, p. 187. - - - Rhodes, Cecil, Numerous Lives of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Rot, Inevitable End of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Rubbish, Common Fate of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - - Sabatier, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Soul, Human, What is the, by James Heading, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Suffrage, Female, Arguments For and Against, by Members of the Eighty - Club, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Suzanna and the Elders, Sacred Poem, see Pulping, p. 187. - - - Tax, Bread, Repeal of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - _Times_ Newspaper, History of War in South Africa, see Pulping, - p. 187. - - _Times_, Obituary Notices of, Reprinted, see Pulping, p. 187. - - _Times_, All Republications from, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Transvaal, Truth About, by Patrick FitzPatrick, see Pulping, p. 187. - - - Uganda Railway, Balance-sheet of, see Pulping, p. 187. - - - Vanitas, Vanitatum, see Vanitatum. - - Vanitatum, Vanitas, see Pulping, p. 187. - - Vindex, his Great Biography of Cecil Rhodes, see Pulping, p. 187. - - - W. X. Y. Z., see Pulping, p. 187. - - - PRINTED BY R. FOLKARD AND SON, - 22, DEVONSHIRE STREET, QUEEN SQUARE, BLOOMSBURY. - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[1] The governess invariably took her meals with the family. - -[2] Miss Bowley, though practically permanently resident in the -family, was still but a guest--a position which she never forgot, -though Dr. Caliban forbad a direct allusion to the fact. - -[3] Such as are sold and patented by my friend Mr. Gapethorn, of -362, Fetter Lane. - -[4] Petronius. - -[5] The Ladies were Mrs. Caliban, Miss Rachel and Miss Alethëia -Caliban, Miss Bowley, Miss Goucher, and Lady Robinson. - -[6] “It is enough for me that I am an Englishman.” - -[7] This Phrase closes the XXXIVth of Dr. Caliban’s “Subjects for -Sinners.” - -[8] I reproduce the title in its original form. I was only too -pleased to know that my work would appear above his signature; nor -do I see anything reprehensible in what is now a recognized custom -among journalists. - -[9] Let the student note, by way of warning, and avoid this -officer’s use of ready-made phrases. - -[10] Of what? - -[11] The student will find a list of Historical Personages to -praise and blame carefully printed in two colours at the end of -Williams’ _Journalist’s History of England_. - -[12] The Holts are still Liberal-Unionists. - -[13] The pet name of the white pony. The name is taken from the -_Arabian Nights_. - -[14] The use of the name of an estate in the place of the name of -its owner or owners is very common with the territorial class in -our countrysides. Thus, people will say, “I have been calling at -the Laurels,” or “I dined with the Monkey Tree”; meaning, “I have -been calling upon Mrs. So-and-So,” or, “I have been dining with Sir -Charles Gibbs.” - -[15] A seaport in Britanny. - -[16] A large military port and dockyard on the coast of Hampshire. - -[17] The generic term among the wealthy for French menials of the -weaker sex. - -[18] Always allow minion for extracts and quotations. - -[19] The student must be careful in calculations involving the -decimal point to put it in its exact place, neither too much to the -right nor too much to the left. - -[20] This may be taken as the _normal price_ paid for Literature; -the other prices must be compared with it as a standard. - -[21] Practically one Pound. - -[22] No prices beyond this, save on first-class papers--the -_Spectator_, _Daily Mail_, and one or two others. - -[23] They are often inaccurate with regard to the past history of -the families mentioned, and very often wrong in the spelling of -the family name; but these details are furnished by the families -themselves, upon whom the responsibility must rest. - -[24] I omit the ex-Jumbi of Koto-Koto, a rebellious upstart whom -the Imperial Government has very properly deposed. - -[25] Messrs. Ibbotson, of Fetter-lane, and Charlton and Co., of St. -Anne’s, are the best-known Pulpers. - -[26] Until Lord Balton (then Sir Charles Quarry) invented this part -of the machine, poems, apologies for Christianity, &c., in fact all -kinds of books, had to be torn laboriously into minute pieces by -hand. It is difficult for us to realise now-a-days what exertion -this involved. We live in an age of machinery! - - - - - TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE - - Footnote [18] is referenced twice from the table on page 175. - - Obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors have been - corrected after careful comparison with other occurrences within - the text and consultation of external sources. - - Some hyphens in words have been silently removed, some added, - when a predominant preference was found in the original book. - - Except for those changes noted below, all misspellings in the text, - and inconsistent or archaic usage, have been retained. - - Pg 66: ‘keep if for the’ replaced by ‘keep it for the’. - Pg 79: ‘and I wlll go’ replaced by ‘and I will go’. - Pg 98: ‘an insistance upon’ replaced by ‘an insistence upon’. - Pg 108: ‘were astonied at’ replaced by ‘were astonished at’. - Pg 126: ‘now no no longer’ replaced by ‘now no longer’. - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AFTERMATH *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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