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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/6707-0.txt b/6707-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e3c1e11 --- /dev/null +++ b/6707-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2036 @@ + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of St. Patrick’s Day, by Richard Brinsley Sheridan + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most +other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + +Title: St. Patrick’s Day + +Author: Richard Brinsley Sheridan + +Release Date: October, 2004 [EBook #6707] +Last updated: November 14, 2019 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ST. PATRICK’S DAY *** + + + + +Produced by Delphine Lettau, Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + +ST. PATRICK’S DAY + +OR, THE SCHEMING LIEUTENANT + +_A FARCE_ + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +AS ORIGINALLY ACTED AT COVENT-GARDEN THEATRE IN 1775 + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR _Mr. Clinch_. +DR. ROSY _Mr. Quick_. +JUSTICE CREDULOUS _Mr. Lee Lewes_. +SERJEANT TROUNCE _Mr. Booth_. +CORPORAL FLINT…………………… +LAURETTA _Mrs. Cargill_. +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS _Mrs. Pitt_. + +Drummer, Soldiers, Countrymen, _and_ Servant. + +SCENE—A TOWN IN ENGLAND. + + + + +ACT I. + +SCENE I.—LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR’s Lodgings. + + +_Enter_ SERJEANT TROUNCE, CORPORAL FLINT, _and four_ SOLDIERS. + +FIRST SOLDIER. +I say you are wrong; we should all speak together, each for himself, +and all at once, that we may be heard the better. + +SECOND SOLDIER. +Right, Jack, we’ll argue in platoons. + +THIRD SOLDIER. +Ay, ay, let him have our grievances in a volley, and if we be to have a +spokesman, there’s the corporal is the lieutenant’s countryman, and +knows his humour. + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Let me alone for that. I served three years, within a bit, under his +honour, in the Royal Inniskillions, and I never will see a sweeter +tempered gentleman, nor one more free with his purse. I put a great +shammock in his hat this morning, and I’ll be bound for him he’ll wear +it, was it as big as Steven’s Green. + +FOURTH SOLDIER. +I say again then you talk like youngsters, like militia striplings: +there’s a discipline, look’ee in all things, whereof the serjeant must +be our guide; he’s a gentleman of words; he understands your foreign +lingo, your figures, and such like auxiliaries in scoring. Confess now +for a reckoning, whether in chalk or writing, ben’t he your only man? + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Why the serjeant is a scholar to be sure, and has the gift of reading. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Good soldiers, and fellow-gentlemen, if you make me your spokesman, you +will show the more judgment; and let me alone for the argument. I’ll be +as loud as a drum, and point blank from the purpose. + +ALL. +Agreed, agreed. + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Oh, faith! here comes the lieutenant.—Now, Serjeant. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +So then, to order.—Put on your mutiny looks; every man grumble a little +to himself, and some of you hum the Deserter’s March. + +_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Well, honest lads, what is it you have to complain of? + +SOLDIER. +Ahem! hem! + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +So please your honour, the very grievance of the matter is this:—ever +since your honour differed with justice Credulous, our inn-keepers use +us most scurvily. By my halbert, their treatment is such, that if your +spirit was willing to put up with it, flesh and blood could by no means +agree; so we humbly petition that your honour would make an end of the +matter at once, by running away with the justice’s daughter, or else +get us fresh quarters,—hem! hem! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Indeed! Pray which of the houses use you ill? + +FIRST SOLDIER. +There’s the Red Lion an’t half the civility of the old Red Lion. + +SECOND SOLDIER. +There’s the White Horse, if he wasn’t case-hardened, ought to be +ashamed to show his face. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Very well; the Horse and the Lion shall answer for it at the quarter +sessions. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +The two Magpies are civil enough; but the Angel uses us like devils, +and the Rising Sun refuses us light to go to bed by. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Then, upon my word, I’ll have the Rising Sun put down, and the Angel +shall give security for his good behaviour; but are you sure you do +nothing to quit scores with them? + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Nothing at all, your honour, unless now and then we happen to fling a +cartridge into the kitchen fire, or put a spatterdash or so into the +soup; and sometimes Ned drums up and down stairs a little of a night. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Oh, all that’s fair; but hark’ee, lads, I must have no grumbling on St. +Patrick’s Day; so here, take this, and divide it amongst you. But +observe me now,—show yourselves men of spirit, and don’t spend sixpence +of it in drink. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Nay, hang it, your honour, soldiers should never bear malice; we must +drink St. Patrick’s and your honour’s health. + +ALL. +Oh, damn malice! St. Patrick’s and his honour’s by all means. + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Come away, then, lads, and first we’ll parade round the Market-cross, +for the honour of King George. + +FIRST SOLDIER. +Thank your honour.—Come along; St. Patrick, his honour, and strong beer +for ever! [_Exeunt_ SOLDIERS.] + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Get along, you thoughtless vagabonds! yet, upon my conscience, ’tis +very hard these poor fellows should scarcely have bread from the soil +they would die to defend. + +_Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY. + +Ah, my little Dr. Rosy, my Galen a-bridge, what’s the news? + +DR. ROSY. +All things are as they were, my Alexander; the justice is as violent as +ever: I felt his pulse on the matter again, and, thinking his rage +began to intermit, I wanted to throw in the bark of good advice, but it +would not do. He says you and your cut-throats have a plot upon his +life, and swears he had rather see his daughter in a scarlet fever than +in the arms of a soldier. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Upon my word the army is very much obliged to him. Well, then, I must +marry the girl first, and ask his consent afterwards. + +DR. ROSY. +So, then, the case of her fortune is desperate, hey? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Oh, hang fortune,—let that take its chance; there is a beauty in +Lauretta’s simplicity, so pure a bloom upon her charms. + +DR. ROSY. +So there is, so there is. You are for beauty as nature made her, hey! +No artificial graces, no cosmetic varnish, no beauty in grey, hey! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Upon my word, doctor, you are right; the London ladies were always too +handsome for me; then they are so defended, such a circumvallation of +hoop, with a breastwork of whale-bone that would turn a pistol-bullet, +much less Cupid’s arrows,—then turret on turret on top, with stores of +concealed weapons, under pretence of black pins,—and above all, a +standard of feathers that would do honour to a knight of the Bath. Upon +my conscience, I could as soon embrace an Amazon, armed at all points. + +DR. ROSY. +Right, right, my Alexander! my taste to a tittle. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Then, doctor, though I admire modesty in women, I like to see their +faces. I am for the changeable rose; but with one of these quality +Amazons, if their midnight dissipations had left them blood enough to +raise a blush, they have not room enough in their cheeks to show it. To +be sure, bashfulness is a very pretty thing; but, in my mind, there is +nothing on earth so impudent as an everlasting blush. + +DR. ROSY. +My taste, my taste!—Well, Lauretta is none of these. Ah! I never see +her but she put me in mind of my poor dear wife. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +[_Aside_.] Ay, faith; in my opinion she can’t do a worse thing. Now he +is going to bother me about an old hag that has been dead these six +years. + +DR. ROSY. +Oh, poor Dolly! I never shall see her like again; such an arm for a +bandage—veins that seemed to invite the lancet. Then her skin, smoothe +and white as a gallipot; her mouth as large and not larger than the +mouth of a penny phial; her lips conserve of roses; and then her +teeth—none of your sturdy fixtures—ache as they would, it was but a +small pull, and out they came. I believe I have drawn half a score of +her poor dear pearls—[_weeps_]—But what avails her beauty? Death has no +consideration—one must die as well as another. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +[_Aside_.] Oh, if he begins to moralize—-[_Takes out his snuff-box_.] + +DR. ROSY. +Fair and ugly, crooked or straight, rich or poor—flesh is grass—flowers +fade! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Here, doctor, take a pinch, and keep up your spirits. + +DR. ROSY. +True, true, my friend; grief can’t mend the matter—all’s for the best; +but such a woman was a great loss, lieutenant. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +To be sure, for doubtless she had mental accomplishments equal to her +beauty. + +DR. ROSY. +Mental accomplishments! she would have stuffed an alligator, or pickled +a lizard, with any apothecaru’s wife in the kingdom. Why, she could +decipher a prescription, and invent the ingredients, almost as well as +myself: then she was such a hand at making foreign waters!—for Seltzer, +Pyrmont, Islington, or Chalybeate, she never had her equal; and her +Bath and Bristol springs exceeded the originals.—Ah, poor Dolly! she +fell a martyr to her own discoveries. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +How so, pray? + +DR. ROSY. +Poor soul! her illness was occasioned by her zeal in trying an +improvement on the Spa-water by an infusion of rum and acid. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Ay, ay, spirits never agree with water-drinkers. + +DR. ROSY. +No, no, you mistake. Rum agreed with her well enough; it was not the +rum that killed the poor dear creature, for she died of a dropsy. Well, +she is gone, never to return, and has left no pledge of our loves +behind. No little babe, to hang like a label round papa’s neck. Well, +well, we are all mortal—sooner or later—flesh is grass— flowers fade. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +[_Aside_.] Oh, the devil!—again! + +DR. ROSY. +Life’s a shadow—the world a stage—we strut an hour. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Here, doctor. [_Offers snuff_.] + +DR. ROSY. +True, true, my friend: well, high grief can’t cure it. All’s for the +best, hey! my little Alexander? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Right, right; an apothecary should never be out of spirits. But come, +faith, ’tis time honest Humphrey should wait on the justice; that must +be our first scheme. + +DR. ROSY. +True, true; you should be ready: the clothes are at my house, and I +have given you such a character, that he is impatient to have you: he +swears you shall be his body-guard. Well, I honour the army, or I +should never do so much to serve you. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Indeed I am bound to you for ever, doctor; and when once I’m possessed +of my dear Lauretta, I will endeavour to make work for you as fast as +possible. + +DR. ROSY. +Now you put me in mind of my poor wife again. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Ah, pray forget her a little: we shall be too late. + +DR. ROSY. +Poor Dolly! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +’Tis past twelve. + +DR. ROSY. +Inhuman dropsy! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +The justice will wait. + +DR. ROSY. +Cropped in her prime! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +For heaven’s sake, come! + +DR. ROSY. +Well, flesh is grass. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +O, the devil! + +DR. ROSY. +We must all die— + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Doctor! + +DR. ROSY. +Kings, lords, and common whores— + +[_Exeunt_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR _forcing_ Rosy _off_.] + +SCENE II.—_A Room in_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS’ _House_. + +_Enter_ LAURETTA _and_ MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. + +LAURETTA. +I repeat it again, mamma, officers are the prettiest men in the world, +and Lieutenant O’Connor is the prettiest officer I ever saw. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +For shame, Laura! how can you talk so?—or if you must have a military +man, there’s Lieutenant Plow, or Captain Haycock, or Major Dray, the +brewer, are all your admirers; and though they are peaceable, good kind +of men, they have as large cockades, and become scarlet, as well as the +fighting folks. + +LAURETTA. +Psha! you know, mamma, I hate militia officers; a set of dunghill cocks +with spurs on—heroes scratched off a church door— clowns in military +masquerade, wearing the dress without supporting the character. No, +give me the bold upright youth, who makes love to- day, and his head +shot off to-morrow. Dear! to think how the sweet fellows sleep on the +ground, and fight in silk stockings and lace ruffles. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Oh, barbarous! to want a husband that may wed you to- day, and be sent +the Lord knows where before night; then in a twelvemonth perhaps to +have him come like a Colossus, with one leg at New York, and the other +at Chelsea Hospital. + +LAURETTA. +Then I’ll be his crutch, mamma. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +No, give me a husband that knows where his limbs are, though he want +the use of them:—and if he should take you with him, to sleep in a +baggage-cart, and stroll about the camp like a gipsy, with a knapsack +and two children at your back; then, by way of entertainment in the +evening, to make a party with the serjeant’s wife to drink bohea tea, +and play at all-fours on a drum-head:—’tis a precious life, to be sure! + +LAURETTA. +Nay, mamma, you shouldn’t be against my lieutenant, for I heard him say +you were the best natured and best looking woman in the world. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Why, child, I never said but that Lieutenant O’Connor was a very +well-bred and discerning young man; ’tis your papa is so violent +against him. + +LAURETTA. +Why, Cousin Sophy married an officer. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Ay, Laura, an officer of the militia. + +LAURETTA. +No, indeed, ma’am, a marching regiment. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +No, child, I tell you he was a major of militia. + +LAURETTA. +Indeed, mamma, it wasn’t. + +_Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Bridget, my love, I have had a message. + +LAURETTA. +It was cousin Sophy told me so. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I have had a message, love— + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +No, child, she would say no such thing. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +A message, I say. + +LAURETTA. +How could he be in the militia when he was ordered abroad? + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Ay, girl, hold your tongue!—Well, my dear. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I have had a message from Doctor Rosy. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +He ordered abroad! He went abroad for his health. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Why, Bridget!— + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Well, deary.—Now hold your tongue, miss. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +A message from Dr. Rosy, and Dr. Rosy says— + +LAURETTA. +I’m sure, mamma, his regimentals— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Damn his regimentals!—Why don’t you listen? + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Ay, girl, how durst you interrupt your papa? + +LAURETTA. +Well, papa. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Dr. Rosy says he’ll bring— + +LAURETTA. +Were blue turned up with red, mamma. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Laury!—says he will bring the young man— + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Red! yellow, if you please, miss. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Bridget!—the young man that is to be hired— + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Besides, miss, it is very unbecoming in you to want to have the last +word with your mamma; you should know— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Why, zounds! will you hear me or no? + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +I am listening, my love, I am listening!—But what signifies my silence, +what good is my not speaking a word, if this girl will interrupt and +let nobody speak but herself?—Ay, I don’t wonder, my life, at your +impatience; your poor dear lips quiver to speak; but I suppose she’ll +run on, and not let you put in a word.— You may very well be angry; +there is nothing, sure, so provoking as a chattering, talking— + +LAURETTA. +Nay, I’m sure, mamma, it is you will not let papa speak now. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Why, you little provoking minx—— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Get out of the room directly, both of you—get out! + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Ay, go, girl. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Go, Bridget, you are worse than she, you old hag. I wish you were both +up to the neck in the canal, to argue there till I took you out. + +_Enter_ SERVANT. + +SERVANT. +Doctor Rosy, sir + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Show him up. [_Exit_ SERVANT.] + +LAURETTA. +Then you own, mamma, it was a marching regiment? + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +You’re an obstinate fool, I tell you; for if that had been the case—— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +You won’t go? + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +We are going, Mr. Surly.—If that had been the case, I say, how could—— + +LAURETTA. +Nay, mamma, one proof—— + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +How could Major—— + +LAURETTA. +And a full proof—— + +[JUSTICE CREDULOUS _drives them off_.] + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +There they go, ding dong in for the day. Good lack! a fluent tongue is +the only thing a mother don’t like her daughter to resemble her in. + +_Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY. + +Well, doctor, where’s the lad—where’s Trusty? + +DR. ROSY. +At hand; he’ll be here in a minute, I’ll answer for’t. He’s such a one +as you an’t met with,—brave as a lion, gentle as a saline draught. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Ah, he comes in the place of a rogue, a dog that was corrupted by the +lieutenant. But this is a sturdy fellow, is he, doctor? + +DR. ROSY. +As Hercules; and the best back-sword in the country. Egad, he’ll make +the red coats keep their distance. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +O the villains; this is St. Patrick’s day, and the rascals have been +parading my house all the morning. I know they have a design upon me; +but I have taken all precautions: I have magazines of arms, and if this +fellow does but prove faithful, I shall be more at ease. + +DR. ROSY. +Doubtless he’ll be a comfort to you. + +_Re-enter_ SERVANT. + +SERVANT. +There is a man below, inquires for Doctor Rosy. + +DR. ROSY. +Show him up. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Hold! a little caution—how does he look? + +SERVANT. +A country-looking fellow, your worship. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Oh, well, well, for Doctor Rosy; these rascals try all ways to get in +here. + +SERVANT. +Yes, please your worship; there was one here this morning wanted to +speak to you; he said his name was Corporal Breakbones. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Corporal Breakbones! + +SERVANT. +And Drummer Crackskull came again. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Ay, did you ever hear of such a damned confounded crew? Well, show the +lad in here! [_Exit_ SERVANT.] + +DR. ROSY. +Ay, he’ll be your porter; he’ll give the rogues an answer. + +_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR, _disguised_. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +So, a tall—Efacks! what! has lost an eye? + +DR. ROSY. +Only a bruise he got in taking seven or eight highwaymen. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +He has a damned wicked leer somehow with the other. + +DR. ROSY. +Oh, no, he’s bashful—a sheepish look—— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Well, my lad, what’s your name? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Humphrey Hum. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Hum—I don’t like Hum! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +But I be mostly called honest Humphrey—— + +DR. ROSY. +There, I told you so, of noted honesty. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Well, honest Humphrey, the doctor has told you my terms, and you are +willing to serve, hey? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +And please your worship I shall be well content. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Well, then, hark’ye, honest Humphrey,—you are sure now, you will never +be a rogue—never take a bribe hey, honest Humphrey? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +A bribe! what’s that? + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +A very ignorant fellow indeed! + +DR. ROSY. +His worship hopes you will not part with your honesty for money. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Noa, noa. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Well said, Humphrey—my chief business with you is to watch the motions +of a rake-helly fellow here, one Lieutenant O’Connor. + +DR. ROSY. +Ay, you don’t value the soldiers, do you, Humphrey? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Not I; they are but zwaggerers, and you’ll see theu’ll be as much +afraid of me as they would of their captain. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +And i’faith, Humphrey, you have a pretty cudgel there! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Ay, the zwitch is better than nothing, but I should be glad of a +stouter: ha’ you got such a thing in the house as an old coach-pole, or +a spare bed-post? + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Oons, what a dragon it is!—Well, Humphrey, come with me.—I’ll just show +him to Bridget, doctor, and we’ll agree.—Come along, honest Humphrey. +[_Exit_.] + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +My dear doctor, now remember to bring the justice presently to the +walk: I have a scheme to get into his confidence at once. + +DR. ROSY. +I will, I will. [_They shake hands_.] + +_Re-enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Why, honest Humphrey, hey! what the devil are you at? + +DR. ROSY. +I was just giving him a little advice.—Well I must go for the +present.—Good-morning to your worship—you need not fear the lieutenant +while he is in your house. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Well, get in, Humphrey. Good-morning to you, doctor.— [_Exit_ DOCTOR +ROSY.] Come along, Humphrey.—Now I think I am a match for the +lieutenant and all his gang. [_Exeunt_.] + + + +ACT II. + +SCENE I.—_A Street_. + +_Enter_ SERJEANT TROUNCE, DRUMMER _and_ SOLDIERS. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Come, silence your drum—there is no valour stirring to-day. I thought +St. Patrick would have given us a recruit or two to- day. + +SOLDIER. +Mark, serjeant! + +_Enter two_ COUNTRYMEN. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Oh! these are the lads I was looking for; they have the look of +gentlemen.—An’t you single, my lads? + +FIRST COUNTRYMAN. +Yes, an please you, I be quite single: my relations be all dead, thank +heavens, more or less. I have but one poor mother left in the world, +and she’s an helpless woman. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Indeed! a very extraordinary case—quite your own master then—the fitter +to serve his Majesty.—Can you read? + +FIRST COUNTRYMAN. +Noa, I was always too lively to take to learning; but John here is main +clever at it. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +So, what you’re a scholar, friend? + +SECOND COUNTRYMAN. +I was born so, measter. Feyther kept grammar-school. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Lucky man—in a campaign or two put yourself down chaplain to the +regiment. And I warrant you have read of warriors and heroes? + +SECOND COUNTRYMAN. +Yes, that I have: I have read of Jack the Giant Killer, and the Dragon +of Wantly, and the—Noa, I believe that’s all in the hero way, except +once about a comet. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Wonderful knowledge!—Well, my heroes, I’ll write word to the king of +your good intentions, and meet me half an hour hence at the Two +Magpies. + +COUNTRYMAN. +We will, your honour, we will. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +But stay; for fear I shouldn’t see you again in the crowd, clap these +little bits of ribbon into your hats. + +FIRST COUNTRYMAN. +Our hats are none of the best. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Well, meet me at the Magpies, and I’ll give you money to buy new ones. + +COUNTRYMAN. +Bless your honour, thank your honour. [_Exeunt_.] + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +[_Winking at_ SOLDIERS.] Jack! [_Exeunt_ SOLDIERS.] + +_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. + +So, here comes one would make a grenadier—Stop, friend, will you list? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Who shall I serve under? + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Under me, to be sure. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Isn’t Lieutenant O’Connor your officer? + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +He is, and I am commander over him. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +What! be your serjeants greater than your captains? + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +To be sure we are; ’tis our business to keep them in order. For +instance, now, the general writes to me, dear Serjeant, or dear +Trounce, or dear Serjeant Trounce, according to his hurry, if your +lieutenant does not demean himself accordingly, let me know.— Yours, +General Deluge. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +And do you complain of him often? + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +No, hang him, the lad is good-natured at the bottom, so I pass over +small things. But hark’ee, between ourselves, he is most confoundedly +given to wenching. + +_Enter_ CORPORAL FLINT. + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Please your honour, the doctor is coming this way with his worship—We +are all ready, and have our cues. [_Exit_.] + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Then, my dear Trounce, or my dear Sergeant, or my dear Serjeant +Trounce, take yourself away. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Zounds! the lieutenant—I smell of the black hole already. [_Exit_.] + +_Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_ DOCTOR ROSY. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I thought I saw some of the cut-throats. + +DR. ROSY. +I fancy not; there’s no one but honest Humphrey. Ha! Odds life, here +comes some of them—we’ll stay by these trees, and let them pass. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Oh, the bloody-looking dogs! + +[_Walks aside with_ DOCTOR ROSY.] _Re-enter_ CORPORAL FLINT _and two_ +SOLDIERS. + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Halloa, friend! do you serve Justice Credulous? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +I do. + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Are you rich? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Noa. + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Nor ever will be with that old stingy booby. Look here— take it. +[_Gives him a purse_.] + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +What must I do for this? + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Mark me, our lieutenant is in love with the old rogue’s daughter: help +us to break his worship’s bones, and carry off the girl, and you are a +made man. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +I’ll see you hanged first, you pack of skurry villains! [_Throws away +the purse_.] + +CORPORAL FLINT. +What, sirrah, do you mutiny? Lay hold of him. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Nay, then, I’ll try your armour for you. [_Beats them_.] + +ALL. +Oh! oh!—quarter! quarter! + +[_Exeunt_ CORPORAL FLINT _and_ SOLDIERS.] + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +[_Coming forward_.] Trim them, trounce them, break their bones, honest +Humphrey—What a spirit he has! + +DR. ROSY. +Aquafortis. _O’Con_. Betray your master! + +DR. ROSY. +What a miracle of fidelity! + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Ay, and it shall not go unrewarded—I’ll give him sixpence on the spot. +Here, honest Humphrey, there’s for yourself: as for this bribe, [_takes +up the purse_,] such trash is best in the hands of justice. Now, then, +doctor, I think I may trust him to guard the women: while he is with +them I may go out with safety. + +DR. ROSY. +Doubtless you may—I’ll answer for the lieutenant’s behaviour whilst +honest Humphrey is with your daughter. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Ay, ay, she shall go nowhere without him. Come along, honest Humphrey. +How rare it is to meet with such a servant! [_Exeunt_.] + +SCENE II.—_A Garden_. + +LAURETTA _discovered. Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_ LIEUTENANT +O’CONNOR. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Why, you little truant, how durst you wander so far from the house +without my leave? Do you want to invite that scoundrel lieutenant to +scale the walls and carry you off? + +LAURETTA. +Lud, papa, you are so apprehensive for nothing. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Why, hussy—— + +LAURETTA. +Well, then, I can’t bear to be shut up all day so like a nun. I am sure +it is enough to make one wish to be run away with—and I wish I was run +away with—I do—and I wish the lieutenant knew it. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +You do, do you, hussy? Well, I think I’ll take pretty good care of you. +Here, Humphrey, I leave this lady in your care. Now you may walk about +the garden, Miss Pert; but Humphrey shall go with you wherever you go. +So mind, honest Humphrey, I am obliged to go abroad for a little while; +let no one but yourself come near her; don’t be shame-faced, you booby, +but keep close to her. And now, miss, let your lieutenant or any of his +crew come near you if they can. [_Exit_.] + +LAURETTA. +How this booby stares after him! [_Sits down and sings_.] + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Lauretta! + +LAURETTA. +Not so free, fellow! [_Sings_.] + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Lauretta! look on me. + +LAURETTA. +Not so free, fellow! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +No recollection! + +LAURETTA. +Honest Humphrey, be quiet. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Have you forgot your faithful soldier? + +LAURETTA. +Ah! Oh preserve me! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +’Tis, my soul! your truest slave, passing on your father in this +disguise. + +LAURETTA. +Well now, I declare this is charming—you are so disguised, my dear +lieutenant, and you look so delightfully ugly. I am sure no one will +find you out, ha! ha! ha!—You know I am under your protection; papa +charged you to keep close to me. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +True, my angel, and thus let me fulfil—— + +LAURETTA. +O pray now, dear Humphrey—— + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Nay, ’tis but what old Mittimus commanded. [_Offers to kiss her_.] + +_Re-enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Laury, my—hey! what the devil’s here? + +LAURETTA. +Well now, one kiss, and be quiet. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Your very humble servant, honest Humphrey! Don’t let me— pray don’t let +me interrupt you! + +LAURETTA. +Lud, papa! Now that’s so good-natured—indeed there’s no harm. You did +not mean any rudeness, did you, Humphrey? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +No, indeed, miss; his worship knows it is not in me. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I know that you are a lying, canting, hypocritical scoundrel; and if +you don’t take yourself out of my sight—— + +LAURETTA. +Indeed, papa, now I’ll tell you how it was. I was sometime taken with a +sudden giddiness, and Humphrey seeing me beginning to totter, ran to my +assistance, quite frightened, poor fellow, and took me in his arms. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Oh! was that all—nothing but a little giddiness, hey! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +That’s all, indeed, your worship; for seeing miss change colour, I ran +up instantly. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Oh, ’twas very kind in you! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +And luckily recovered her. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +And who made you a doctor, you impudent rascal, hey? Get out of my +sight, I say, this instant, or by all the statutes— + +LAURETTA. +Oh now, papa, you frighten me, and I am giddy again!—Oh, help! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +O dear lady, she’ll fall! [_Takes her into his arms_.] + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Zounds! what before my face—why then, thou miracle of impudence!—[_Lays +hold of him and discovers him_.]—Mercy on me, who have we here?—Murder! +Robbery! Fire! Rape! Gunpowder! Soldiers! John! Susan! Bridget! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Good sir, don’t be alarmed; I mean you no harm. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Thieves! Robbers! Soldiers! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +You know my love for your daughter— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Fire! Cut-throats! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +And that alone— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Treason! Gunpowder! + +_Enter a_ SERVANT _with a blunderbuss_. + +Now, scoundrel! let her go this instant. + +LAURETTA. +O papa, you’ll kill me! + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Honest Humphrey, be advised. Ay, miss, this way, if you please. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Nay, sir, but hear me—— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I’ll shoot. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +And you’ll be convinced—— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I’ll shoot. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +How injurious—— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I’ll shoot—and so your very humble servant, honest Humphrey Hum. +[_Exeunt separately_.] + +SCENE III.—_A Walk_. + +_Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY. + +DR. ROSY. +Well, I think my friend is now in a fair way of succeeding. Ah! I +warrant he is full of hope and fear, doubt and anxiety; truly he has +the fever of love strong upon him: faint, peevish, languishing all day, +with burning, restless nights. Ah! just my case when I pined for my +poor dear Dolly! when she used to have her daily colics, and her little +doctor be sent for. Then would I interpret the language of her +pulse—declare my own sufferings in my receipt for her—send her a pearl +necklace in a pill-box, or a cordial draught with an acrostic on the +label. Well, those days are over: no happiness lasting: all is +vanity—now sunshine, now cloudy—we are, as it were, king and +beggar—then what avails—— + +_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +O doctor! ruined and undone. + +DR. ROSY. +The pride of beauty—— + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +I am discovered, and—— + +DR. ROSY. +The gaudy palace—— + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +The justice is—— + +DR. ROSY. +The pompous wig—— + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Is more enraged than ever. + +DR. ROSY. +The gilded cane—— + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Why, doctor! [_Slapping him on the shoulder_.] + +DR. ROSY. +Hey! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Confound your morals! I tell you I am discovered, discomfited, +disappointed. + +DR. ROSY. +Indeed! Good lack, good lack, to think of the instability of human +affairs! Nothing certain in this world—most deceived when most +confident—fools of fortune all. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +My dear doctor, I want at present a little practical wisdom. I am +resolved this instant to try the scheme we were going to put into +execution last week. I have the letter ready, and only want your +assistance to recover my ground. + +DR. ROSY. +With all my heart—I’ll warrant you I’ll bear a part in it: but how the +deuce were you discovered? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +I’ll tell you as we go; there’s not a moment to be lost. + +DR. ROSY. +Heaven send we succeed better!—but there’s no knowing. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Very true. + +DR. ROSY. +We may and we may not. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Right. + +DR. ROSY. +Time must show. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Certainly. + +DR. ROSY. +We are but blind guessers. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Nothing more. + +DR. ROSY. +Thick-sighted mortals. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Remarkably. + +DR. ROSY. +Wandering in error. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Even so. + +DR. ROSY. +Futurity is dark. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +As a cellar. + +DR. ROSY. +Men are moles. + +[_Exeunt_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR _forcing out_ ROSY.] + +SCENE IV.—_A Room in_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS’ _House_. + +_Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_ MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Odds life, Bridget, you are enough to make one mad! I tell you he would +have deceived a chief justice; the dog seemed as ignorant as my clerk, +and talked of honesty as if he had been a churchwarden. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Pho! nonsense, honesty!—what had you to do, pray, with honesty? A fine +business you have made of it with your Humphrey Hum: and miss, too, she +must have been privy to it. Lauretta! ay, you would have her called so; +but for my part I never knew any good come of giving girls these +heathen Christian names: if you had called her Deborrah, or Tabitha, or +Ruth, or Rebecca, or Joan, nothing of this had ever happened; but I +always knew Lauretta was a runaway name. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Psha, you’re a fool! + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +No, Mr. Credulous, it is you who are a fool, and no one but such a +simpleton would be so imposed on. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Why zounds, madam, how durst you talk so? If you have no respect for +your husband, I should think _unus quorum_ might command a little +deference. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Don’t tell me!—Unus fiddlestick! you ought to be ashamed to show your +face at the sessions: you’ll be a laughing-stock to the whole bench, +and a byword with all the pig-tailed lawyers and bag-wigged attorneys +about town. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Is this language for his majestu’s representative? By the statutes, +it’s high treason and petty treason, both at once! + +_Enter_ SERVANT. + +SERVANT. +A letter for your worship. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Who brought it? + +SERVANT. +A soldier. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Take it away and burn it. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Stay!—Now you’re in such a hurry—it is some canting scrawl from the +lieutenant, I suppose.—[_Takes the letter.— Exit_ SERVANT.] Let me +see:—ay, ’tis signed O’Connor. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Well, come read it out. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +[_Reads_.] _Revenge is sweet_. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +It begins so, does it? I’m glad of that; I’ll let the dog know I’m of +his opinion. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +[_Reads_.] _And though disappointed of my designs upon your daughter, I +have still the satisfaction of knowing I am revenged on her unnatural +father; for this morning, in your chocolate, I had the pleasure to +administer to you a dose of poison!_—Mercy on us! + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +No tricks, Bridget; come, you know it is not so; you know it is a lie. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Read it yourself. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +[_Reads_.] _Pleasure to administer a dose of poison_!—Oh, horrible! +Cut-throat villain!—Bridget! + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Lovee, stay, here’s a postscript.—[_Reads_.] _N.B. ’Tis not in the +power of medicine to save you_. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Odds my life, Bridget! why don’t you call for help? I’ve lost my +voice.—My brain is giddy—I shall burst, and no assistance.— +John!—Laury!—John! + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +You see, lovee, what you have brought on yourself. + +_Re-enter_ SERVANT. + +SERVANT. +Your worship! + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Stay, John; did you perceive anything in my chocolate cup this morning? + +SERVANT. +Nothing, your worship, unless it was a little grounds. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +What colour were they? + +SERVANT. +Blackish, your worship. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Ay, arsenic, black arsenic!—Why don’t you run for Dr. Rosy, you rascal? + +SERVANT. +Now, sir? + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Oh, lovee, you may be sure it is in vain; let him run for the lawyer to +witness your will, my life. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Zounds! go for the doctor, you scoundrel. You are all confederate +murderers. + +SERVANT. +Oh, here he is, your worship. [_Exit_.] + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Now, Bridget, hold your tongue, and let me see if my horrid situation +be apparent. + +_Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY. + +DR. ROSY. +I have but just called to inform—hey! bless me, what’s the matter with +your worship? + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +There, he sees it already!—Poison in my face, in capitals! Yes, yes, +I’m a sure job for the undertakers indeed! + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Oh! oh! alas, doctor! + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Peace, Bridget!—Why, doctor, my dear old friend, do you really see any +change in me? + +DR. ROSY. +Change! never was man so altered: how came these black spots on your +nose? + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Spots on my nose! + +DR. ROSY. +And that wild stare in your right eye! + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +In my right eye? + +DR. ROSY. +Ay, and, alack, alack, how you are swelled! + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Swelled! + +DR. ROSY. +Ay, don’t you think he is, madam? + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Oh! ’tis in vain to conceal it!—Indeed, lovee, you are as big again as +you were this morning. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Yes, I feel it now—I’m poisoned!—Doctor, help me, for the love of +justice! Give me life to see my murderer hanged. + +DR. ROSY. +What? + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I’m poisoned, I say! + +DR. ROSY. +Speak out! + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +What! can’t you hear me? + +DR. ROSY. +Your voice is so low and hollow, as it were, I can’t hear a word you +say. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I’m gone then!—_Hic jacet_, many years one of his majestu’s justices! + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Read, doctor!—Ah, lovee, the will!—Consider, my life, how soon you will +be dead. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +No, Bridget, I shall die by inches. + +DR. ROSY. +I never heard such monstrous iniquity.—Oh, you are gone indeed, my +friend! the mortgage of your little bit of clay is out, and the sexton +has nothing to do but to close. We must all go, sooner or later—high +and low—Death’s a debt; his mandamus binds all alike—no bail, no +demurrer. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Silence, Dr. Croaker! will you cure me or will you not? + +DR. ROSY. +Alas! my dear friend, it is not in my power; but I’ll certainly see +justice done on your murderer. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I thank you, my dear friend, but I had rather see it myself. + +DR. ROSY. +Ay, but if you recover, the villain will escape. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Will he? then indeed it would be a pity you should recover. I am so +enraged against the villain, I can’t bear the thought of his escaping +the halter. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +That’s very kind in you, my dear; but if it’s the same thing to you, my +dear, I had as soon recover, notwithstanding.—What, doctor, no +assistance! + +DR. ROSY. +Efacks, I can do nothing, but there’s the German quack, whom you wanted +to send from town; I met him at the next door, and I know he has +antidotes for all poisons. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Fetch him, my dear friend, fetch him! I’ll get him a diploma if he +cures me. + +DR. ROSY. +Well, there’s no time to be lost; you continue to swell immensely. +[_Exit_.] + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +What, my dear, will you submit to be cured by a quack nostrum-monger? +For my part, as much as I love you, I had rather follow you to your +grave than see you owe your life to any but a regular-bred physician. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I’m sensible of your affection, dearest; and be assured nothing +consoles me in my melancholy situation so much as the thoughts of +leaving you behind. + +_Re-enter_ DOCTOR ROSY, _with_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR _disguised_. + +DR. ROSY. +Great luck; met him passing by the door. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Metto dowsei pulsum. + +DR. ROSY. +He desires me to feel your pulse. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Can’t he speak English? + +DR. ROSY. +Not a word. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Palio vivem mortem soonem. + +DR. ROSY. +He says you have not six hours to live. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +O mercy! does he know my distemper? + +DR. ROSY. +I believe not. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Tell him ’tis black arsenic they have given me. + +DR. ROSY. +Geneable illi arsnecca. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Pisonatus. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +What does he say? + +DR. ROSY. +He says you are poisoned. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +We know that; but what will be the effect? + +DR. ROSY. +Quid effectum? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Diable tutellum. + +DR. ROSY. +He says you’ll die presently. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Oh, horrible! What, no antidote? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Curum benakere bono fullum. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +What, does he say I must row in a boat to Fulham? + +DR. ROSY. +He says he’ll undertake to cure you for three thousand pounds. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Three thousand pounds! three thousand halters!—No, lovee, you shall +never submit to such impositions; die at once, and be a customer to +none of them. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I won’t die, Bridget—I don’t like death. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Psha! there is nothing in it: a moment, and it is over. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Ay, but it leaves a numbness behind that lasts a plaguy long time. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +O my dear, pray consider the will. + +_Enter_ LAURETTA. + +LAURETTA. +O my father, what is this I hear? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Quiddam seomriam deos tollam rosam. + +DR. ROSY. +The doctor is astonished at the sight of your fair daughter. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +How so? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Damsellum livivum suvum rislibani. + +DR. ROSY. +He says that he has lost his heart to her, and that if you will give +him leave to pay his addresses to the young lady, and promise your +consent to the union, if he should gain her affections, he will, on +those conditions, cure you instantly, without fee or reward. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +The devil! did he say all that in so few words? What a fine language it +is! Well, I agree, if he can prevail on the girl.— [_Aside_.] And that +I am sure he never will. + +DR. ROSY. +Greal. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Writhum bothum. + +DR. ROSY. +He says you must give this under your hand, while he writes you a +miraculous receipt. [_Both sit down to write_.] + +LAURETTA. +Do, mamma, tell me the meaning of this. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Don’t speak to me, girl.—Unnatural parent! + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +There, doctor; there’s what he requires. + +DR. ROSY. +And here’s your receipt: read it yourself. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Hey! what’s here? plain English! + +DR. ROSY. +Read it out; a wondrous nostrum, I’ll answer for it. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +[_Reads_.] _In reading this you are cured, by your affectionate +son-in-law,_ O’CONNOR.—Who in the name of Beelzebub, sirrah, who are +you? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Your affectionate son-in-law, O’Connor, and your very humble servant, +Humphrey Hum. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +’Tis false, you dog! you are not my son-in-law; for I’ll be poisoned +again, and you shall be hanged.—I’ll die, sirrah, and leave Bridget my +estate. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Ay, pray do, my dear, leave me your estate; I’m sure he deserves to be +hanged. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +He does, you say!—Hark’ee, Bridget, you showed such a tender concern +for me when you thought me poisoned, that, for the future, I am +resolved never to take your advice again in anything.— [_To_ LIEUTENANT +O’CONNOR] So, do you hear, sir, you are an Irishman and a soldier, +ain’t you? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +I am sir, and proud of both. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +The two things on earth I most hate; so I tell you what— renounce your +country and sell your commission, and I’ll forgive you. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Hark’ee, Mr. Justice—if you were not the father of my Lauretta, I would +pull your nose for asking the first, and break your bones for desiring +the second. + +DR. ROSY. +Ay, ay, you’re right. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Is he? then I’m sure I must be wrong.—Here, sir, I give my daughter to +you, who are the most impudent dog I ever saw in my life. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Oh, sir, say what you please; with such a gift as Lauretta, every word +is a compliment. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Well, my lovee, I think this will be a good subject for us to quarrel +about the rest of our lives. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Why, truly, my dear,—I think so, though we are seldom at a loss for +that. + +DR. ROSY. +This is all as it should be.—My Alexander, I give you joy, and you, my +little god-daughter; and now my sincere wish is, that you may make just +such a wife as my poor dear Dolly. [_Exeunt omnes_.] + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of St. Patrick’s Day, by Richard Brinsley Sheridan + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ST. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + +Title: St. Patrick’s Day + +Author: Richard Brinsley Sheridan + +Release Date: October, 2004 [EBook #6707] +Last updated: November 14, 2019 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ST. PATRICK’S DAY *** + + + + +Produced by Delphine Lettau, Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>ST. PATRICK’S DAY</h1> + +<h5>OR, THE SCHEMING LIEUTENANT</h5> + +<h4><i>A FARCE</i></h4> + +<h2>DRAMATIS PERSONAE</h2> + +<h5>AS ORIGINALLY ACTED AT COVENT-GARDEN THEATRE IN 1775</h5> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR <i>Mr. Clinch</i>.<br/> +DR. ROSY <i>Mr. Quick</i>.<br/> +JUSTICE CREDULOUS <i>Mr. Lee Lewes</i>.<br/> +SERJEANT TROUNCE <i>Mr. Booth</i>.<br/> +CORPORAL FLINT……………………<br/> +LAURETTA <i>Mrs. Cargill</i>.<br/> +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS <i>Mrs. Pitt</i>.<br/> +</p> + +<p>Drummer, Soldiers, Countrymen, <i>and</i> Servant. +</p> + +<h3>SCENE—A TOWN IN ENGLAND.</h3> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2>ACT I.</h2> + +<h3>SCENE I.—LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR’s Lodgings.</h3> + +<p> + +<i>Enter</i> SERJEANT TROUNCE, CORPORAL FLINT, <i>and four</i> SOLDIERS. +</p> + +<p>FIRST SOLDIER.<br/> +I say you are wrong; we should all speak together, each for himself, and all at +once, that we may be heard the better. +</p> + +<p>SECOND SOLDIER.<br/> +Right, Jack, we’ll argue in platoons. +</p> + +<p>THIRD SOLDIER.<br/> +Ay, ay, let him have our grievances in a volley, and if we be to have a +spokesman, there’s the corporal is the lieutenant’s countryman, and +knows his humour. +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Let me alone for that. I served three years, within a bit, under his honour, in +the Royal Inniskillions, and I never will see a sweeter tempered gentleman, nor +one more free with his purse. I put a great shammock in his hat this morning, +and I’ll be bound for him he’ll wear it, was it as big as +Steven’s Green. +</p> + +<p>FOURTH SOLDIER.<br/> +I say again then you talk like youngsters, like militia striplings: +there’s a discipline, look’ee in all things, whereof the serjeant +must be our guide; he’s a gentleman of words; he understands your foreign +lingo, your figures, and such like auxiliaries in scoring. Confess now for a +reckoning, whether in chalk or writing, ben’t he your only man? +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Why the serjeant is a scholar to be sure, and has the gift of reading. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Good soldiers, and fellow-gentlemen, if you make me your spokesman, you will +show the more judgment; and let me alone for the argument. I’ll be as +loud as a drum, and point blank from the purpose. +</p> + +<p>ALL.<br/> +Agreed, agreed. +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Oh, faith! here comes the lieutenant.—Now, Serjeant. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +So then, to order.—Put on your mutiny looks; every man grumble a little +to himself, and some of you hum the Deserter’s March. +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Well, honest lads, what is it you have to complain of? +</p> + +<p>SOLDIER.<br/> +Ahem! hem! +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +So please your honour, the very grievance of the matter is this:—ever +since your honour differed with justice Credulous, our inn-keepers use us most +scurvily. By my halbert, their treatment is such, that if your spirit was +willing to put up with it, flesh and blood could by no means agree; so we +humbly petition that your honour would make an end of the matter at once, by +running away with the justice’s daughter, or else get us fresh +quarters,—hem! hem! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Indeed! Pray which of the houses use you ill? +</p> + +<p>FIRST SOLDIER.<br/> +There’s the Red Lion an’t half the civility of the old Red Lion. +</p> + +<p>SECOND SOLDIER.<br/> +There’s the White Horse, if he wasn’t case-hardened, ought to be +ashamed to show his face. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Very well; the Horse and the Lion shall answer for it at the quarter sessions. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +The two Magpies are civil enough; but the Angel uses us like devils, and the +Rising Sun refuses us light to go to bed by. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Then, upon my word, I’ll have the Rising Sun put down, and the Angel +shall give security for his good behaviour; but are you sure you do nothing to +quit scores with them? +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Nothing at all, your honour, unless now and then we happen to fling a cartridge +into the kitchen fire, or put a spatterdash or so into the soup; and sometimes +Ned drums up and down stairs a little of a night. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Oh, all that’s fair; but hark’ee, lads, I must have no grumbling on +St. Patrick’s Day; so here, take this, and divide it amongst you. But +observe me now,—show yourselves men of spirit, and don’t spend +sixpence of it in drink. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Nay, hang it, your honour, soldiers should never bear malice; we must drink +St. Patrick’s and your honour’s health. +</p> + +<p>ALL.<br/> +Oh, damn malice! St. Patrick’s and his honour’s by all means. +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Come away, then, lads, and first we’ll parade round the Market-cross, for +the honour of King George. +</p> + +<p>FIRST SOLDIER.<br/> +Thank your honour.—Come along; St. Patrick, his honour, and strong beer +for ever! [<i>Exeunt</i> SOLDIERS.] +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Get along, you thoughtless vagabonds! yet, upon my conscience, ’tis very +hard these poor fellows should scarcely have bread from the soil they would die +to defend. +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> DOCTOR ROSY. +</p> + +<p>Ah, my little Dr. Rosy, my Galen a-bridge, what’s the news? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +All things are as they were, my Alexander; the justice is as violent as ever: I +felt his pulse on the matter again, and, thinking his rage began to intermit, I +wanted to throw in the bark of good advice, but it would not do. He says you +and your cut-throats have a plot upon his life, and swears he had rather see +his daughter in a scarlet fever than in the arms of a soldier. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Upon my word the army is very much obliged to him. Well, then, I must marry the +girl first, and ask his consent afterwards. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +So, then, the case of her fortune is desperate, hey? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Oh, hang fortune,—let that take its chance; there is a beauty in +Lauretta’s simplicity, so pure a bloom upon her charms. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +So there is, so there is. You are for beauty as nature made her, hey! No +artificial graces, no cosmetic varnish, no beauty in grey, hey! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Upon my word, doctor, you are right; the London ladies were always too handsome +for me; then they are so defended, such a circumvallation of hoop, with a +breastwork of whale-bone that would turn a pistol-bullet, much less +Cupid’s arrows,—then turret on turret on top, with stores of +concealed weapons, under pretence of black pins,—and above all, a +standard of feathers that would do honour to a knight of the Bath. Upon my +conscience, I could as soon embrace an Amazon, armed at all points. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Right, right, my Alexander! my taste to a tittle. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Then, doctor, though I admire modesty in women, I like to see their faces. I am +for the changeable rose; but with one of these quality Amazons, if their +midnight dissipations had left them blood enough to raise a blush, they have +not room enough in their cheeks to show it. To be sure, bashfulness is a very +pretty thing; but, in my mind, there is nothing on earth so impudent as an +everlasting blush. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +My taste, my taste!—Well, Lauretta is none of these. Ah! I never see her +but she put me in mind of my poor dear wife. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +[<i>Aside</i>.] Ay, faith; in my opinion she can’t do a worse thing. Now +he is going to bother me about an old hag that has been dead these six years. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Oh, poor Dolly! I never shall see her like again; such an arm for a +bandage—veins that seemed to invite the lancet. Then her skin, smoothe +and white as a gallipot; her mouth as large and not larger than the mouth of a +penny phial; her lips conserve of roses; and then her teeth—none of your +sturdy fixtures—ache as they would, it was but a small pull, and out they +came. I believe I have drawn half a score of her poor dear +pearls—[<i>weeps</i>]—But what avails her beauty? Death has no +consideration—one must die as well as another. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +[<i>Aside</i>.] Oh, if he begins to moralize—-[<i>Takes out his +snuff-box</i>.] +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Fair and ugly, crooked or straight, rich or poor—flesh is +grass—flowers fade! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Here, doctor, take a pinch, and keep up your spirits. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +True, true, my friend; grief can’t mend the matter—all’s for +the best; but such a woman was a great loss, lieutenant. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +To be sure, for doubtless she had mental accomplishments equal to her beauty. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Mental accomplishments! she would have stuffed an alligator, or pickled a +lizard, with any apothecaru’s wife in the kingdom. Why, she could +decipher a prescription, and invent the ingredients, almost as well as myself: +then she was such a hand at making foreign waters!—for Seltzer, Pyrmont, +Islington, or Chalybeate, she never had her equal; and her Bath and Bristol +springs exceeded the originals.—Ah, poor Dolly! she fell a martyr to her +own discoveries. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +How so, pray? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Poor soul! her illness was occasioned by her zeal in trying an improvement on +the Spa-water by an infusion of rum and acid. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Ay, ay, spirits never agree with water-drinkers. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +No, no, you mistake. Rum agreed with her well enough; it was not the rum that +killed the poor dear creature, for she died of a dropsy. Well, she is gone, +never to return, and has left no pledge of our loves behind. No little babe, to +hang like a label round papa’s neck. Well, well, we are all +mortal—sooner or later—flesh is grass— flowers fade. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +[<i>Aside</i>.] Oh, the devil!—again! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Life’s a shadow—the world a stage—we strut an hour. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Here, doctor. [<i>Offers snuff</i>.] +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +True, true, my friend: well, high grief can’t cure it. All’s for +the best, hey! my little Alexander? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Right, right; an apothecary should never be out of spirits. But come, faith, +’tis time honest Humphrey should wait on the justice; that must be our +first scheme. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +True, true; you should be ready: the clothes are at my house, and I have given +you such a character, that he is impatient to have you: he swears you shall be +his body-guard. Well, I honour the army, or I should never do so much to serve +you. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Indeed I am bound to you for ever, doctor; and when once I’m possessed of +my dear Lauretta, I will endeavour to make work for you as fast as possible. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Now you put me in mind of my poor wife again. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Ah, pray forget her a little: we shall be too late. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Poor Dolly! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +’Tis past twelve. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Inhuman dropsy! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +The justice will wait. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Cropped in her prime! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +For heaven’s sake, come! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Well, flesh is grass. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +O, the devil! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +We must all die— +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Doctor! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Kings, lords, and common whores— +</p> + +<p>[<i>Exeunt</i> LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR <i>forcing</i> Rosy <i>off</i>.] +</p> + +<h3>SCENE II.—<i>A Room in</i> JUSTICE CREDULOUS’ +<i>House</i>.</h3> + +<p><i>Enter</i> LAURETTA <i>and</i> MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +I repeat it again, mamma, officers are the prettiest men in the world, and +Lieutenant O’Connor is the prettiest officer I ever saw. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +For shame, Laura! how can you talk so?—or if you must have a military +man, there’s Lieutenant Plow, or Captain Haycock, or Major Dray, the +brewer, are all your admirers; and though they are peaceable, good kind of men, +they have as large cockades, and become scarlet, as well as the fighting folks. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Psha! you know, mamma, I hate militia officers; a set of dunghill cocks with +spurs on—heroes scratched off a church door— clowns in military +masquerade, wearing the dress without supporting the character. No, give me the +bold upright youth, who makes love to- day, and his head shot off to-morrow. +Dear! to think how the sweet fellows sleep on the ground, and fight in silk +stockings and lace ruffles. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oh, barbarous! to want a husband that may wed you to- day, and be sent the Lord +knows where before night; then in a twelvemonth perhaps to have him come like a +Colossus, with one leg at New York, and the other at Chelsea Hospital. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Then I’ll be his crutch, mamma. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +No, give me a husband that knows where his limbs are, though he want the use of +them:—and if he should take you with him, to sleep in a baggage-cart, and +stroll about the camp like a gipsy, with a knapsack and two children at your +back; then, by way of entertainment in the evening, to make a party with the +serjeant’s wife to drink bohea tea, and play at all-fours on a +drum-head:—’tis a precious life, to be sure! +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Nay, mamma, you shouldn’t be against my lieutenant, for I heard him say +you were the best natured and best looking woman in the world. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Why, child, I never said but that Lieutenant O’Connor was a very +well-bred and discerning young man; ’tis your papa is so violent against +him. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Why, Cousin Sophy married an officer. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, Laura, an officer of the militia. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +No, indeed, ma’am, a marching regiment. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +No, child, I tell you he was a major of militia. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Indeed, mamma, it wasn’t. +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Bridget, my love, I have had a message. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +It was cousin Sophy told me so. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I have had a message, love— +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +No, child, she would say no such thing. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +A message, I say. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +How could he be in the militia when he was ordered abroad? +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, girl, hold your tongue!—Well, my dear. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I have had a message from Doctor Rosy. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +He ordered abroad! He went abroad for his health. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Why, Bridget!— +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Well, deary.—Now hold your tongue, miss. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +A message from Dr. Rosy, and Dr. Rosy says— +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +I’m sure, mamma, his regimentals— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Damn his regimentals!—Why don’t you listen? +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, girl, how durst you interrupt your papa? +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Well, papa. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Dr. Rosy says he’ll bring— +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Were blue turned up with red, mamma. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Laury!—says he will bring the young man— +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Red! yellow, if you please, miss. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Bridget!—the young man that is to be hired— +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Besides, miss, it is very unbecoming in you to want to have the last word with +your mamma; you should know— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Why, zounds! will you hear me or no? +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +I am listening, my love, I am listening!—But what signifies my silence, +what good is my not speaking a word, if this girl will interrupt and let nobody +speak but herself?—Ay, I don’t wonder, my life, at your impatience; +your poor dear lips quiver to speak; but I suppose she’ll run on, and not +let you put in a word.— You may very well be angry; there is nothing, +sure, so provoking as a chattering, talking— +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Nay, I’m sure, mamma, it is you will not let papa speak now. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Why, you little provoking minx—— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Get out of the room directly, both of you—get out! +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, go, girl. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Go, Bridget, you are worse than she, you old hag. I wish you were both up to +the neck in the canal, to argue there till I took you out. +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> SERVANT. +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +Doctor Rosy, sir +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Show him up. [<i>Exit</i> SERVANT.] +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Then you own, mamma, it was a marching regiment? +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +You’re an obstinate fool, I tell you; for if that had been the +case—— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +You won’t go? +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +We are going, Mr. Surly.—If that had been the case, I say, how +could—— +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Nay, mamma, one proof—— +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +How could Major—— +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +And a full proof—— +</p> + +<p>[JUSTICE CREDULOUS <i>drives them off</i>.] +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +There they go, ding dong in for the day. Good lack! a fluent tongue is the only +thing a mother don’t like her daughter to resemble her in. +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> DOCTOR ROSY. +</p> + +<p>Well, doctor, where’s the lad—where’s Trusty? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +At hand; he’ll be here in a minute, I’ll answer for’t. +He’s such a one as you an’t met with,—brave as a lion, gentle +as a saline draught. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ah, he comes in the place of a rogue, a dog that was corrupted by the +lieutenant. But this is a sturdy fellow, is he, doctor? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +As Hercules; and the best back-sword in the country. Egad, he’ll make the +red coats keep their distance. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +O the villains; this is St. Patrick’s day, and the rascals have been +parading my house all the morning. I know they have a design upon me; but I +have taken all precautions: I have magazines of arms, and if this fellow does +but prove faithful, I shall be more at ease. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Doubtless he’ll be a comfort to you. +</p> + +<p><i>Re-enter</i> SERVANT. +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +There is a man below, inquires for Doctor Rosy. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Show him up. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Hold! a little caution—how does he look? +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +A country-looking fellow, your worship. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oh, well, well, for Doctor Rosy; these rascals try all ways to get in here. +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +Yes, please your worship; there was one here this morning wanted to speak to +you; he said his name was Corporal Breakbones. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Corporal Breakbones! +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +And Drummer Crackskull came again. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, did you ever hear of such a damned confounded crew? Well, show the lad in +here! [<i>Exit</i> SERVANT.] +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Ay, he’ll be your porter; he’ll give the rogues an answer. +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR, <i>disguised</i>. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +So, a tall—Efacks! what! has lost an eye? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Only a bruise he got in taking seven or eight highwaymen. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +He has a damned wicked leer somehow with the other. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Oh, no, he’s bashful—a sheepish look—— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Well, my lad, what’s your name? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Humphrey Hum. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Hum—I don’t like Hum! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +But I be mostly called honest Humphrey—— +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +There, I told you so, of noted honesty. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Well, honest Humphrey, the doctor has told you my terms, and you are willing to +serve, hey? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +And please your worship I shall be well content. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Well, then, hark’ye, honest Humphrey,—you are sure now, you will +never be a rogue—never take a bribe hey, honest Humphrey? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +A bribe! what’s that? +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +A very ignorant fellow indeed! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +His worship hopes you will not part with your honesty for money. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Noa, noa. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Well said, Humphrey—my chief business with you is to watch the motions of +a rake-helly fellow here, one Lieutenant O’Connor. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Ay, you don’t value the soldiers, do you, Humphrey? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Not I; they are but zwaggerers, and you’ll see theu’ll be as much +afraid of me as they would of their captain. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +And i’faith, Humphrey, you have a pretty cudgel there! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Ay, the zwitch is better than nothing, but I should be glad of a stouter: +ha’ you got such a thing in the house as an old coach-pole, or a spare +bed-post? +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oons, what a dragon it is!—Well, Humphrey, come with me.—I’ll +just show him to Bridget, doctor, and we’ll agree.—Come along, +honest Humphrey. [<i>Exit</i>.] +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +My dear doctor, now remember to bring the justice presently to the walk: I have +a scheme to get into his confidence at once. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +I will, I will. [<i>They shake hands</i>.] +</p> + +<p><i>Re-enter</i> JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Why, honest Humphrey, hey! what the devil are you at? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +I was just giving him a little advice.—Well I must go for the +present.—Good-morning to your worship—you need not fear the +lieutenant while he is in your house. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Well, get in, Humphrey. Good-morning to you, doctor.— [<i>Exit</i> DOCTOR +ROSY.] Come along, Humphrey.—Now I think I am a match for the lieutenant +and all his gang. [<i>Exeunt</i>.] +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2>ACT II.</h2> + +<h3>SCENE I.—<i>A Street</i>.</h3> + +<p><i>Enter</i> SERJEANT TROUNCE, DRUMMER <i>and</i> SOLDIERS. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Come, silence your drum—there is no valour stirring to-day. I thought +St. Patrick would have given us a recruit or two to- day. +</p> + +<p>SOLDIER.<br/> +Mark, serjeant! +</p> + +<p><i>Enter two</i> COUNTRYMEN. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Oh! these are the lads I was looking for; they have the look of +gentlemen.—An’t you single, my lads? +</p> + +<p>FIRST COUNTRYMAN.<br/> +Yes, an please you, I be quite single: my relations be all dead, thank heavens, +more or less. I have but one poor mother left in the world, and she’s an +helpless woman. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Indeed! a very extraordinary case—quite your own master then—the +fitter to serve his Majesty.—Can you read? +</p> + +<p>FIRST COUNTRYMAN.<br/> +Noa, I was always too lively to take to learning; but John here is main clever +at it. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +So, what you’re a scholar, friend? +</p> + +<p>SECOND COUNTRYMAN.<br/> +I was born so, measter. Feyther kept grammar-school. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Lucky man—in a campaign or two put yourself down chaplain to the +regiment. And I warrant you have read of warriors and heroes? +</p> + +<p>SECOND COUNTRYMAN.<br/> +Yes, that I have: I have read of Jack the Giant Killer, and the Dragon of +Wantly, and the—Noa, I believe that’s all in the hero way, except +once about a comet. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Wonderful knowledge!—Well, my heroes, I’ll write word to the king +of your good intentions, and meet me half an hour hence at the Two Magpies. +</p> + +<p>COUNTRYMAN.<br/> +We will, your honour, we will. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +But stay; for fear I shouldn’t see you again in the crowd, clap these +little bits of ribbon into your hats. +</p> + +<p>FIRST COUNTRYMAN.<br/> +Our hats are none of the best. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Well, meet me at the Magpies, and I’ll give you money to buy new ones. +</p> + +<p>COUNTRYMAN.<br/> +Bless your honour, thank your honour. [<i>Exeunt</i>.] +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +[<i>Winking at</i> SOLDIERS.] Jack! [<i>Exeunt</i> SOLDIERS.] +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +</p> + +<p>So, here comes one would make a grenadier—Stop, friend, will you list? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Who shall I serve under? +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Under me, to be sure. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Isn’t Lieutenant O’Connor your officer? +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +He is, and I am commander over him. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +What! be your serjeants greater than your captains? +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +To be sure we are; ’tis our business to keep them in order. For +instance, now, the general writes to me, dear Serjeant, or dear Trounce, or +dear Serjeant Trounce, according to his hurry, if your lieutenant does not +demean himself accordingly, let me know.— Yours, General Deluge. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +And do you complain of him often? +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +No, hang him, the lad is good-natured at the bottom, so I pass over small +things. But hark’ee, between ourselves, he is most confoundedly given to +wenching. +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> CORPORAL FLINT. +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Please your honour, the doctor is coming this way with his worship—We are +all ready, and have our cues. [<i>Exit</i>.] +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Then, my dear Trounce, or my dear Sergeant, or my dear Serjeant Trounce, take +yourself away. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Zounds! the lieutenant—I smell of the black hole already. [<i>Exit</i>.] +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> JUSTICE CREDULOUS <i>and</i> DOCTOR ROSY. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I thought I saw some of the cut-throats. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +I fancy not; there’s no one but honest Humphrey. Ha! Odds life, here +comes some of them—we’ll stay by these trees, and let them pass. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oh, the bloody-looking dogs! +</p> + +<p>[<i>Walks aside with</i> DOCTOR ROSY.] <i>Re-enter</i> CORPORAL FLINT <i>and +two</i> SOLDIERS. +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Halloa, friend! do you serve Justice Credulous? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +I do. +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Are you rich? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Noa. +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Nor ever will be with that old stingy booby. Look here— take it. +[<i>Gives him a purse</i>.] +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +What must I do for this? +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Mark me, our lieutenant is in love with the old rogue’s daughter: help us +to break his worship’s bones, and carry off the girl, and you are a made +man. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +I’ll see you hanged first, you pack of skurry villains! [<i>Throws away +the purse</i>.] +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +What, sirrah, do you mutiny? Lay hold of him. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Nay, then, I’ll try your armour for you. [<i>Beats them</i>.] +</p> + +<p>ALL.<br/> +Oh! oh!—quarter! quarter! +</p> + +<p>[<i>Exeunt</i> CORPORAL FLINT <i>and</i> SOLDIERS.] +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +[<i>Coming forward</i>.] Trim them, trounce them, break their bones, honest +Humphrey—What a spirit he has! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Aquafortis. <i>O’Con</i>. Betray your master! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +What a miracle of fidelity! +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, and it shall not go unrewarded—I’ll give him sixpence on the +spot. Here, honest Humphrey, there’s for yourself: as for this bribe, +[<i>takes up the purse</i>,] such trash is best in the hands of justice. Now, +then, doctor, I think I may trust him to guard the women: while he is with them +I may go out with safety. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Doubtless you may—I’ll answer for the lieutenant’s behaviour +whilst honest Humphrey is with your daughter. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, ay, she shall go nowhere without him. Come along, honest Humphrey. How rare +it is to meet with such a servant! [<i>Exeunt</i>.] +</p> + +<h3>SCENE II.—<i>A Garden</i>.</h3> + +<p>LAURETTA <i>discovered. Enter</i> JUSTICE CREDULOUS <i>and</i> LIEUTENANT +O’CONNOR.<br/> +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Why, you little truant, how durst you wander so far from the house without my +leave? Do you want to invite that scoundrel lieutenant to scale the walls and +carry you off? +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Lud, papa, you are so apprehensive for nothing. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Why, hussy—— +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Well, then, I can’t bear to be shut up all day so like a nun. I am sure +it is enough to make one wish to be run away with—and I wish I was run +away with—I do—and I wish the lieutenant knew it. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +You do, do you, hussy? Well, I think I’ll take pretty good care of you. +Here, Humphrey, I leave this lady in your care. Now you may walk about the +garden, Miss Pert; but Humphrey shall go with you wherever you go. So mind, +honest Humphrey, I am obliged to go abroad for a little while; let no one but +yourself come near her; don’t be shame-faced, you booby, but keep close +to her. And now, miss, let your lieutenant or any of his crew come near you if +they can. [<i>Exit</i>.] +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +How this booby stares after him! [<i>Sits down and sings</i>.] +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Lauretta! +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Not so free, fellow! [<i>Sings</i>.] +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Lauretta! look on me. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Not so free, fellow! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +No recollection! +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Honest Humphrey, be quiet. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Have you forgot your faithful soldier? +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Ah! Oh preserve me! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +’Tis, my soul! your truest slave, passing on your father in this +disguise. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Well now, I declare this is charming—you are so disguised, my dear +lieutenant, and you look so delightfully ugly. I am sure no one will find you +out, ha! ha! ha!—You know I am under your protection; papa charged you to +keep close to me. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +True, my angel, and thus let me fulfil—— +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +O pray now, dear Humphrey—— +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Nay, ’tis but what old Mittimus commanded. [<i>Offers to kiss her</i>.] +</p> + +<p><i>Re-enter</i> JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Laury, my—hey! what the devil’s here? +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Well now, one kiss, and be quiet. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Your very humble servant, honest Humphrey! Don’t let me— pray +don’t let me interrupt you! +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Lud, papa! Now that’s so good-natured—indeed there’s no harm. +You did not mean any rudeness, did you, Humphrey? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +No, indeed, miss; his worship knows it is not in me. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I know that you are a lying, canting, hypocritical scoundrel; and if you +don’t take yourself out of my sight—— +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Indeed, papa, now I’ll tell you how it was. I was sometime taken with a +sudden giddiness, and Humphrey seeing me beginning to totter, ran to my +assistance, quite frightened, poor fellow, and took me in his arms. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oh! was that all—nothing but a little giddiness, hey! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +That’s all, indeed, your worship; for seeing miss change colour, I ran up +instantly. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oh, ’twas very kind in you! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +And luckily recovered her. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +And who made you a doctor, you impudent rascal, hey? Get out of my sight, I +say, this instant, or by all the statutes— +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Oh now, papa, you frighten me, and I am giddy again!—Oh, help! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +O dear lady, she’ll fall! [<i>Takes her into his arms</i>.] +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Zounds! what before my face—why then, thou miracle of +impudence!—[<i>Lays hold of him and discovers him</i>.]—Mercy on +me, who have we here?—Murder! Robbery! Fire! Rape! Gunpowder! Soldiers! +John! Susan! Bridget! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Good sir, don’t be alarmed; I mean you no harm. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Thieves! Robbers! Soldiers! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +You know my love for your daughter— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Fire! Cut-throats! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +And that alone— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Treason! Gunpowder! +</p> + +<p><i>Enter a</i> SERVANT <i>with a blunderbuss</i>. +</p> + +<p>Now, scoundrel! let her go this instant. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +O papa, you’ll kill me! +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Honest Humphrey, be advised. Ay, miss, this way, if you please. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Nay, sir, but hear me—— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I’ll shoot. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +And you’ll be convinced—— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I’ll shoot. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +How injurious—— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I’ll shoot—and so your very humble servant, honest Humphrey Hum. +[<i>Exeunt separately</i>.] +</p> + +<h3>SCENE III.—<i>A Walk</i>.</h3> + +<p><i>Enter</i> DOCTOR ROSY. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Well, I think my friend is now in a fair way of succeeding. Ah! I warrant he is +full of hope and fear, doubt and anxiety; truly he has the fever of love strong +upon him: faint, peevish, languishing all day, with burning, restless nights. +Ah! just my case when I pined for my poor dear Dolly! when she used to have her +daily colics, and her little doctor be sent for. Then would I interpret the +language of her pulse—declare my own sufferings in my receipt for +her—send her a pearl necklace in a pill-box, or a cordial draught with an +acrostic on the label. Well, those days are over: no happiness lasting: all is +vanity—now sunshine, now cloudy—we are, as it were, king and +beggar—then what avails—— +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +O doctor! ruined and undone. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +The pride of beauty—— +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +I am discovered, and—— +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +The gaudy palace—— +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +The justice is—— +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +The pompous wig—— +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Is more enraged than ever. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +The gilded cane—— +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Why, doctor! [<i>Slapping him on the shoulder</i>.] +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Hey! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Confound your morals! I tell you I am discovered, discomfited, disappointed. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Indeed! Good lack, good lack, to think of the instability of human affairs! +Nothing certain in this world—most deceived when most +confident—fools of fortune all. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +My dear doctor, I want at present a little practical wisdom. I am resolved this +instant to try the scheme we were going to put into execution last week. I have +the letter ready, and only want your assistance to recover my ground. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +With all my heart—I’ll warrant you I’ll bear a part in it: +but how the deuce were you discovered? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +I’ll tell you as we go; there’s not a moment to be lost. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Heaven send we succeed better!—but there’s no knowing. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Very true. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +We may and we may not. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Right. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Time must show. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Certainly. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +We are but blind guessers. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Nothing more. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Thick-sighted mortals. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Remarkably. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Wandering in error. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Even so. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Futurity is dark. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +As a cellar. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Men are moles. +</p> + +<p>[<i>Exeunt</i> LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR <i>forcing out</i> ROSY.] +</p> + +<h3>SCENE IV.—<i>A Room in</i> JUSTICE CREDULOUS’ +<i>House</i>.</h3> + +<p><i>Enter</i> JUSTICE CREDULOUS <i>and</i> MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Odds life, Bridget, you are enough to make one mad! I tell you he would have +deceived a chief justice; the dog seemed as ignorant as my clerk, and talked of +honesty as if he had been a churchwarden. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Pho! nonsense, honesty!—what had you to do, pray, with honesty? A fine +business you have made of it with your Humphrey Hum: and miss, too, she must +have been privy to it. Lauretta! ay, you would have her called so; but for my +part I never knew any good come of giving girls these heathen Christian names: +if you had called her Deborrah, or Tabitha, or Ruth, or Rebecca, or Joan, +nothing of this had ever happened; but I always knew Lauretta was a runaway +name. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Psha, you’re a fool! +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +No, Mr. Credulous, it is you who are a fool, and no one but such a simpleton +would be so imposed on. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Why zounds, madam, how durst you talk so? If you have no respect for your +husband, I should think <i>unus quorum</i> might command a little deference. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Don’t tell me!—Unus fiddlestick! you ought to be ashamed to show +your face at the sessions: you’ll be a laughing-stock to the whole bench, +and a byword with all the pig-tailed lawyers and bag-wigged attorneys about +town. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Is this language for his majestu’s representative? By the statutes, +it’s high treason and petty treason, both at once! +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> SERVANT. +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +A letter for your worship. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Who brought it? +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +A soldier. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Take it away and burn it. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Stay!—Now you’re in such a hurry—it is some canting scrawl +from the lieutenant, I suppose.—[<i>Takes the letter.— Exit</i> +SERVANT.] Let me see:—ay, ’tis signed O’Connor. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Well, come read it out. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +[<i>Reads</i>.] <i>Revenge is sweet</i>. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +It begins so, does it? I’m glad of that; I’ll let the dog know +I’m of his opinion. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +[<i>Reads</i>.] <i>And though disappointed of my designs upon your daughter, I +have still the satisfaction of knowing I am revenged on her unnatural father; +for this morning, in your chocolate, I had the pleasure to administer to you a +dose of poison!</i>—Mercy on us! +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +No tricks, Bridget; come, you know it is not so; you know it is a lie. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Read it yourself. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +[<i>Reads</i>.] <i>Pleasure to administer a dose of poison</i>!—Oh, +horrible! Cut-throat villain!—Bridget! +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Lovee, stay, here’s a postscript.—[<i>Reads</i>.] <i>N.B. +’Tis not in the power of medicine to save you</i>. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Odds my life, Bridget! why don’t you call for help? I’ve lost my +voice.—My brain is giddy—I shall burst, and no assistance.— +John!—Laury!—John! +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +You see, lovee, what you have brought on yourself. +</p> + +<p><i>Re-enter</i> SERVANT. +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +Your worship! +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Stay, John; did you perceive anything in my chocolate cup this morning? +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +Nothing, your worship, unless it was a little grounds. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +What colour were they? +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +Blackish, your worship. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, arsenic, black arsenic!—Why don’t you run for Dr. Rosy, you +rascal? +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +Now, sir? +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oh, lovee, you may be sure it is in vain; let him run for the lawyer to witness +your will, my life. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Zounds! go for the doctor, you scoundrel. You are all confederate murderers. +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +Oh, here he is, your worship. [<i>Exit</i>.] +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Now, Bridget, hold your tongue, and let me see if my horrid situation be +apparent. +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> DOCTOR ROSY. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +I have but just called to inform—hey! bless me, what’s the matter +with your worship? +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +There, he sees it already!—Poison in my face, in capitals! Yes, yes, +I’m a sure job for the undertakers indeed! +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oh! oh! alas, doctor! +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Peace, Bridget!—Why, doctor, my dear old friend, do you really see any +change in me? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Change! never was man so altered: how came these black spots on your nose? +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Spots on my nose! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +And that wild stare in your right eye! +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +In my right eye? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Ay, and, alack, alack, how you are swelled! +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Swelled! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Ay, don’t you think he is, madam? +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oh! ’tis in vain to conceal it!—Indeed, lovee, you are as big again +as you were this morning. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Yes, I feel it now—I’m poisoned!—Doctor, help me, for the +love of justice! Give me life to see my murderer hanged. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +What? +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I’m poisoned, I say! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Speak out! +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +What! can’t you hear me? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Your voice is so low and hollow, as it were, I can’t hear a word you say. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I’m gone then!—<i>Hic jacet</i>, many years one of his +majestu’s justices! +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Read, doctor!—Ah, lovee, the will!—Consider, my life, how soon you +will be dead. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +No, Bridget, I shall die by inches. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +I never heard such monstrous iniquity.—Oh, you are gone indeed, my +friend! the mortgage of your little bit of clay is out, and the sexton has +nothing to do but to close. We must all go, sooner or later—high and +low—Death’s a debt; his mandamus binds all alike—no bail, no +demurrer. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Silence, Dr. Croaker! will you cure me or will you not? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Alas! my dear friend, it is not in my power; but I’ll certainly see +justice done on your murderer. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I thank you, my dear friend, but I had rather see it myself. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Ay, but if you recover, the villain will escape. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Will he? then indeed it would be a pity you should recover. I am so enraged +against the villain, I can’t bear the thought of his escaping the halter. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +That’s very kind in you, my dear; but if it’s the same thing to +you, my dear, I had as soon recover, notwithstanding.—What, doctor, no +assistance! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Efacks, I can do nothing, but there’s the German quack, whom you wanted +to send from town; I met him at the next door, and I know he has antidotes for +all poisons. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Fetch him, my dear friend, fetch him! I’ll get him a diploma if he cures +me. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Well, there’s no time to be lost; you continue to swell immensely. +[<i>Exit</i>.] +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +What, my dear, will you submit to be cured by a quack nostrum-monger? For my +part, as much as I love you, I had rather follow you to your grave than see you +owe your life to any but a regular-bred physician. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I’m sensible of your affection, dearest; and be assured nothing consoles +me in my melancholy situation so much as the thoughts of leaving you behind. +</p> + +<p><i>Re-enter</i> DOCTOR ROSY, <i>with</i> LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR +<i>disguised</i>. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Great luck; met him passing by the door. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Metto dowsei pulsum. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +He desires me to feel your pulse. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Can’t he speak English? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Not a word. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Palio vivem mortem soonem. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +He says you have not six hours to live. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +O mercy! does he know my distemper? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +I believe not. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Tell him ’tis black arsenic they have given me. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Geneable illi arsnecca. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Pisonatus. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +What does he say? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +He says you are poisoned. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +We know that; but what will be the effect? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Quid effectum? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Diable tutellum. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +He says you’ll die presently. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oh, horrible! What, no antidote? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Curum benakere bono fullum. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +What, does he say I must row in a boat to Fulham? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +He says he’ll undertake to cure you for three thousand pounds. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Three thousand pounds! three thousand halters!—No, lovee, you shall never +submit to such impositions; die at once, and be a customer to none of them. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I won’t die, Bridget—I don’t like death. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Psha! there is nothing in it: a moment, and it is over. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, but it leaves a numbness behind that lasts a plaguy long time. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +O my dear, pray consider the will. +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> LAURETTA. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +O my father, what is this I hear? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Quiddam seomriam deos tollam rosam. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +The doctor is astonished at the sight of your fair daughter. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +How so? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Damsellum livivum suvum rislibani. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +He says that he has lost his heart to her, and that if you will give him leave +to pay his addresses to the young lady, and promise your consent to the union, +if he should gain her affections, he will, on those conditions, cure you +instantly, without fee or reward. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +The devil! did he say all that in so few words? What a fine language it is! +Well, I agree, if he can prevail on the girl.— [<i>Aside</i>.] And that I +am sure he never will. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Greal. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Writhum bothum. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +He says you must give this under your hand, while he writes you a miraculous +receipt. [<i>Both sit down to write</i>.] +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Do, mamma, tell me the meaning of this. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Don’t speak to me, girl.—Unnatural parent! +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +There, doctor; there’s what he requires. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +And here’s your receipt: read it yourself. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Hey! what’s here? plain English! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Read it out; a wondrous nostrum, I’ll answer for it. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +[<i>Reads</i>.] <i>In reading this you are cured, by your affectionate +son-in-law,</i> O’CONNOR.—Who in the name of Beelzebub, sirrah, who +are you? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Your affectionate son-in-law, O’Connor, and your very humble servant, +Humphrey Hum. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +’Tis false, you dog! you are not my son-in-law; for I’ll be +poisoned again, and you shall be hanged.—I’ll die, sirrah, and +leave Bridget my estate. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, pray do, my dear, leave me your estate; I’m sure he deserves to be +hanged. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +He does, you say!—Hark’ee, Bridget, you showed such a tender +concern for me when you thought me poisoned, that, for the future, I am +resolved never to take your advice again in anything.— [<i>To</i> +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR] So, do you hear, sir, you are an Irishman and a +soldier, ain’t you? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +I am sir, and proud of both. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +The two things on earth I most hate; so I tell you what— renounce your +country and sell your commission, and I’ll forgive you. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Hark’ee, Mr. Justice—if you were not the father of my Lauretta, I +would pull your nose for asking the first, and break your bones for desiring +the second. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Ay, ay, you’re right. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Is he? then I’m sure I must be wrong.—Here, sir, I give my daughter +to you, who are the most impudent dog I ever saw in my life. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Oh, sir, say what you please; with such a gift as Lauretta, every word is a +compliment. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Well, my lovee, I think this will be a good subject for us to quarrel about the +rest of our lives. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Why, truly, my dear,—I think so, though we are seldom at a loss for that. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +This is all as it should be.—My Alexander, I give you joy, and you, my +little god-daughter; and now my sincere wish is, that you may make just such a +wife as my poor dear Dolly. [<i>Exeunt omnes</i>.] +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of St. Patrick’s Day, by Richard Brinsley Sheridan + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ST. 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ROSY _Mr. Quick_. +JUSTICE CREDULOUS _Mr. Lee Lewes_. +SERJEANT TROUNCE _Mr. Booth_. +CORPORAL FLINT........................ +LAURETTA _Mrs. Cargill_. +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS _Mrs. Pitt_. + +Drummer, Soldiers, Countrymen, _and_ Servant. + +SCENE--A TOWN IN ENGLAND. + + + + +ACT I. + +SCENE I.--LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR's Lodgings. + +_Enter_ SERJEANT TROUNCE, CORPORAL FLINT, _and four_ +SOLDIERS. + + +1 _Sol_. I say you are wrong; we should all speak together, each +for himself, and all at once, that we may be heard the better. + +2 _Sol_. Right, Jack, we'll argue in platoons. + +3 _Sol_. Ay, ay, let him have our grievances in a volley, and if +we be to have a spokesman, there's the corporal is the lieutenant's +countryman, and knows his humour. + +_Flint_. Let me alone for that. I served three years, within a +bit, under his honour, in the Royal Inniskillions, and I never will +see a sweeter tempered gentleman, nor one more free with his purse. I +put a great shammock in his hat this morning, and I'll be bound for +him he'll wear it, was it as big as Steven's Green. + +4 _Sol_. I say again then you talk like youngsters, like militia +striplings: there's a discipline, look'ee in all things, whereof the +serjeant must be our guide; he's a gentleman of words; he understands +your foreign lingo, your figures, and such like auxiliaries in +scoring. Confess now for a reckoning, whether in chalk or writing, +ben't he your only man? + +_Flint_. Why the serjeant is a scholar to be sure, and has the +gift of reading. + +_Trounce_: Good soldiers, and fellow-gentlemen, if you make me +your spokesman, you will show the more judgment; and let me alone for +the argument. I'll be as loud as a drum, and point blank from the +purpose. + +_All_. Agreed, agreed. + +_Flint_. Oh, faith! here comes the lieutenant.--Now, Serjeant. + +_Trounce_. So then, to order.--Put on your mutiny looks; every +man grumble a little to himself, and some of you hum the Deserter's +March. + +_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR. + + +_O'Con_. Well, honest lads, what is it you have to complain of? + +_Sol_. Ahem! hem! + +_Trounce_. So please your honour, the very grievance of the +matter is this:--ever since your honour differed with justice +Credulous, our inn-keepers use us most scurvily. By my halbert, their +treatment is such, that if your spirit was willing to put up with it, +flesh and blood could by no means agree; so we humbly petition that +your honour would make an end of the matter at once, by running away +with the justice's daughter, or else get us fresh quarters,--hem! hem! + +_O'Con_. Indeed! Pray which of the houses use you ill? + +1 _Sol_. There's the Red Lion an't half the civility of the old +Red Lion. + +2 _Sol_. There's the White Horse, if he wasn't case-hardened, +ought to be ashamed to show his face. + +_O'Con_. Very well; the Horse and the Lion shall answer for it at +the quarter sessions. + +_Trounce_. The two Magpies are civil enough; but the Angel uses +us like devils, and the Rising Sun refuses us light to go to bed by. + +_O'Con_. Then, upon my word, I'll have the Rising Sun put down, +and the Angel shall give security for his good behaviour; but are you +sure you do nothing to quit scores with them? + +_Flint_. Nothing at all, your honour, unless now and then we +happen to fling a cartridge into the kitchen fire, or put a +spatterdash or so into the soup; and sometimes Ned drums up and down +stairs a little of a night. + +_O'Con_. Oh, all that's fair; but hark'ee, lads, I must have no +grumbling on St. Patrick's Day; so here, take this, and divide it +amongst you. But observe me now,--show yourselves men of spirit, and +don't spend sixpence of it in drink. + +_Trounce_. Nay, hang it, your honour, soldiers should never bear +malice; we must drink St. Patrick's and your honour's health. + +_All_. Oh, damn malice! St. Patrick's and his honour's by all +means. + +_Flint_. Come away, then, lads, and first we'll parade round the +Market-cross, for the honour of King George. + +1 _Sol_. Thank your honour.--Come along; St. Patrick, his honour, +and strong beer for ever! [_Exeunt_ SOLDIERS.] + +_O'Con_. Get along, you thoughtless vagabonds! yet, upon my +conscience, 'tis very hard these poor fellows should scarcely have +bread from the soil they would die to defend. + + +_Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY. + +Ah, my little Dr. Rosy, my Galen a-bridge, what's the news? + +_Rosy_. All things are as they were, my Alexander; the justice is +as violent as ever: I felt his pulse on the matter again, and, +thinking his rage began to intermit, I wanted to throw in the bark of +good advice, but it would not do. He says you and your cut-throats +have a plot upon his life, and swears he had rather see his daughter +in a scarlet fever than in the arms of a soldier. + +_O'Con_. Upon my word the army is very much obliged to him. Well, +then, I must marry the girl first, and ask his consent afterwards. + +_Rosy_. So, then, the case of her fortune is desperate, hey? + +_O'Con_. Oh, hang fortune,--let that take its chance; there is a +beauty in Lauretta's simplicity, so pure a bloom upon her charms. + +_Rosy_. So there is, so there is. You are for beauty as nature +made her, hey! No artificial graces, no cosmetic varnish, no beauty in +grey, hey! + +_O'Con_. Upon my word, doctor, you are right; the London ladies +were always too handsome for me; then they are so defended, such a +circumvallation of hoop, with a breastwork of whale-bone that would +turn a pistol-bullet, much less Cupid's arrows,--then turret on turret +on top, with stores of concealed weapons, under pretence of black +pins,--and above all, a standard of feathers that would do honour to a +knight of the Bath. Upon my conscience, I could as soon embrace an +Amazon, armed at all points. + +_Rosy_. Right, right, my Alexander! my taste to a tittle. + +_O'Con_. Then, doctor, though I admire modesty in women, I like +to see their faces. I am for the changeable rose; but with one of +these quality Amazons, if their midnight dissipations had left them +blood enough to raise a blush, they have not room enough in their +cheeks to show it. To be sure, bashfulness is a very pretty thing; +but, in my mind, there is nothing on earth so impudent as an +everlasting blush. + +_Rosy_. My taste, my taste!--Well, Lauretta is none of these. Ah! +I never see her but she put me in mind of my poor dear wife. + +_O'Con_. [_Aside_.] Ay, faith; in my opinion she can't do a +worse thing. Now he is going to bother me about an old hag that has +been dead these six years. + +_Rosy_. Oh, poor Dolly! I never shall see her like again; such an +arm for a bandage--veins that seemed to invite the lancet. Then her +skin, smoothe and white as a gallipot; her mouth as large and not +larger than the mouth of a penny phial; her lips conserve of roses; +and then her teeth--none of your sturdy fixtures--ache as they would, +it was but a small pull, and out they came. I believe I have drawn +half a score of her poor dear pearls--[_weeps_]--But what avails +her beauty? Death has no consideration--one must die as well as +another. + +_O'Con_. [_Aside_.] Oh, if he begins to moralize---[_Takes +out his snuff-box_.] + +_Rosy_. Fair and ugly, crooked or straight, rich or poor--flesh +is grass--flowers fade! + +_O'Con_. Here, doctor, take a pinch, and keep up your spirits. + +_Rosy_. True, true, my friend; grief can't mend the matter--all's +for the best; but such a woman was a great loss, lieutenant. + +_O'Con_. To be sure, for doubtless she had mental accomplishments +equal to her beauty. + +_Rosy_. Mental accomplishments! she would have stuffed an +alligator, or pickled a lizard, with any apothecary's wife in the +kingdom. Why, she could decipher a prescription, and invent the +ingredients, almost as well as myself: then she was such a hand at +making foreign waters!--for Seltzer, Pyrmont, Islington, or +Chalybeate, she never had her equal; and her Bath and Bristol springs +exceeded the originals.--Ah, poor Dolly! she fell a martyr to her own +discoveries. + +_O'Con_. How so, pray? + +_Rosy_. Poor soul! her illness was occasioned by her zeal in +trying an improvement on the Spa-water by an infusion of rum and acid. + +_O'Con_. Ay, ay, spirits never agree with water-drinkers. + +_Rosy_. No, no, you mistake. Rum agreed with her well enough; it +was not the rum that killed the poor dear creature, for she died of a +dropsy. Well, she is gone, never to return, and has left no pledge of +our loves behind. No little babe, to hang like a label round papa's +neck. Well, well, we are all mortal--sooner or later--flesh is grass-- +flowers fade. + +_O'Con_. [_Aside_.] Oh, the devil!--again! + +_Rosy_. Life's a shadow--the world a stage--we strut an hour. + +_O'Con_. Here, doctor. [_Offers snuff_.] + +_Rosy_. True, true, my friend: well, high grief can't cure it. +All's for the best, hey! my little Alexander? + +_O'Con_. Right, right; an apothecary should never be out of +spirits. But come, faith, 'tis time honest Humphrey should wait on the +justice; that must be our first scheme. + +_Rosy_. True, true; you should be ready: the clothes are at my +house, and I have given you such a character, that he is impatient to +have you: he swears you shall be his body-guard. Well, I honour the +army, or I should never do so much to serve you. + +_O'Con_. Indeed I am bound to you for ever, doctor; and when once +I'm possessed of my dear Lauretta, I will endeavour to make work for +you as fast as possible. + +_Rosy_. Now you put me in mind of my poor wife again. + +_O'Con_. Ah, pray forget her a little: we shall be too late. + +_Rosy_. Poor Dolly! + +_O'Con_. 'Tis past twelve. + +_Rosy_. Inhuman dropsy! + +_O'Con_. The justice will wait. + +_Rosy_. Cropped in her prime! + +_O'Con_. For heaven's sake, come! + +_Rosy_. Well, flesh is grass. + +_O'Con_. O, the devil! + +_Rosy_. We must all die-- + +_O'Con_. Doctor! + +_Rosy_. Kings, lords, and common whores-- + + +[_Exeunt_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR _forcing_ Rosy _off_.] + + + + +SCENE II.--_A Room in_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS' _House_. + +_Enter_ LAURETTA _and_ MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. + + +_Lau_. I repeat it again, mamma, officers are the prettiest men +in the world, and Lieutenant O'Connor is the prettiest officer I ever +saw. + +_Mrs. Bri_. For shame, Laura! how can you talk so?--or if you +must have a military man, there's Lieutenant Plow, or Captain Haycock, +or Major Dray, the brewer, are all your admirers; and though they are +peaceable, good kind of men, they have as large cockades, and become +scarlet, as well as the fighting folks. + +_Lau_. Psha! you know, mamma, I hate militia officers; a set of +dunghill cocks with spurs on--heroes scratched off a church door-- +clowns in military masquerade, wearing the dress without supporting +the character. No, give me the bold upright youth, who makes love to- +day, and his head shot off to-morrow. Dear! to think how the sweet +fellows sleep on the ground, and fight in silk stockings and lace +ruffles. + +_Mrs. Bri_. Oh, barbarous! to want a husband that may wed you to- +day, and be sent the Lord knows where before night; then in a +twelvemonth perhaps to have him come like a Colossus, with one leg at +New York, and the other at Chelsea Hospital. + +_Lau_. Then I'll be his crutch, mamma. + +_Mrs. Bri_. No, give me a husband that knows where his limbs are, +though he want the use of them:--and if he should take you with him, +to sleep in a baggage-cart, and stroll about the camp like a gipsy, +with a knapsack and two children at your back; then, by way of +entertainment in the evening, to make a party with the serjeant's wife +to drink bohea tea, and play at all-fours on a drum-head:--'tis a +precious life, to be sure! + +_Lau_. Nay, mamma, you shouldn't be against my lieutenant, for I +heard him say you were the best natured and best looking woman in the +world. + +_Mrs. Bri_. Why, child, I never said but that Lieutenant O'Connor +was a very well-bred and discerning young man; 'tis your papa is so +violent against him. + +_Lau_. Why, Cousin Sophy married an officer. + +_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, Laura, an officer of the militia. + +_Lau_. No, indeed, ma'am, a marching regiment. + +_Mrs. Bri_. No, child, I tell you he was a major of militia. + +_Lau_. Indeed, mamma, it wasn't. + + +_Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS. + +_Just_. Bridget, my love, I have had a message. + +_Lau_. It was cousin Sophy told me so. + +_Just_. I have had a message, love-- + +_Mrs. Bri_. No, child, she would say no such thing. + +_Just_. A message, I say. + +_Lau_. How could he be in the militia when he was ordered abroad? + +_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, girl, hold your tongue!--Well, my dear. + +_Just_. I have had a message from Doctor Rosy. + +_Mrs. Bri_. He ordered abroad! He went abroad for his health. + +_Just_. Why, Bridget!-- + +_Mrs. Bri_. Well, deary.--Now hold your tongue, miss. + +_Jus_. A message from Dr. Rosy, and Dr. Rosy says-- + +_Lau_. I'm sure, mamma, his regimentals-- + +_Just_. Damn his regimentals!--Why don't you listen? + +_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, girl, how durst you interrupt your papa? + +_Lau_. Well, papa. + +_Just_. Dr. Rosy says he'll bring-- + +_Lau_. Were blue turned up with red, mamma. + +_Just_. Laury!--says he will bring the young man-- + +_Mrs. Bri_. Red! yellow, if you please, miss. + +_Just_. Bridget!--the young man that is to be hired-- + +_Mrs. Bri_. Besides, miss, it is very unbecoming in you to want +to have the last word with your mamma; you should know-- + +_Just_. Why, zounds! will you hear me or no? + +_Mrs. Bri_. I am listening, my love, I am listening!--But what +signifies my silence, what good is my not speaking a word, if this +girl will interrupt and let nobody speak but herself?--Ay, I don't +wonder, my life, at your impatience; your poor dear lips quiver to +speak; but I suppose she'll run on, and not let you put in a word.-- +You may very well be angry; there is nothing, sure, so provoking as a +chattering, talking-- + +_Lau_. Nay, I'm sure, mamma, it is you will not let papa speak +now. + +_Mrs. Bri_. Why, you little provoking minx---- + +_Just_. Get out of the room directly, both of you--get out! + +_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, go, girl. + +_Just_. Go, Bridget, you are worse than she, you old hag. I wish +you were both up to the neck in the canal, to argue there till I took +you out. + + +_Enter_ SERVANT. + +_Ser_. Doctor Rosy, sir + +_Just_. Show him up. [_Exit_ SERVANT.] + +_Lau_. Then you own, mamma, it was a marching regiment? + +_Mrs. Bri_. You're an obstinate fool, I tell you; for if that had +been the case---- + +_Just_. You won't go? + +_Mrs. Bri_. We are going, Mr. Surly.--If that had been the case, +I say, how could---- + +_Lau_. Nay, mamma, one proof---- + +_Mrs. Bri_. How could Major---- + +_Lau_. And a full proof---- + +[JUSTICE CREDULOUS _drives them off_.] + +_Just_. There they go, ding dong in for the day. Good lack! a +fluent tongue is the only thing a mother don't like her daughter to +resemble her in. + + +_Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY. + +Well, doctor, where's the lad--where's Trusty? + +_Rosy_. At hand; he'll be here in a minute, I'll answer for't. +He's such a one as you an't met with,--brave as a lion, gentle as a +saline draught. + +_Just_. Ah, he comes in the place of a rogue, a dog that was +corrupted by the lieutenant. But this is a sturdy fellow, is he, +doctor? + +_Rosy_. As Hercules; and the best back-sword in the country. +Egad, he'll make the red coats keep their distance. + +_Just._ O the villains; this is St. Patrick's day, and the rascals +have been parading my house all the morning. I know they have a design +upon me; but I have taken all precautions: I have magazines of arms, +and if this fellow does but prove faithful, I shall be more at ease. + +_Rosy_. Doubtless he'll be a comfort to you. + + +_Re-enter_ SERVANT. + +_Ser_. There is a man below, inquires for Doctor Rosy. + +_Rosy_. Show him up. + +_Just_. Hold! a little caution--how does he look? + +_Ser_. A country-looking fellow, your worship. + +_Just_. Oh, well, well, for Doctor Rosy; these rascals try all +ways to get in here. + +_Ser_. Yes, please your worship; there was one here this morning +wanted to speak to you; he said his name was Corporal Breakbones. + +_Just_. Corporal Breakbones! + +_Ser_. And Drummer Crackskull came again. + +_Just_. Ay, did you ever hear of such a damned confounded crew? +Well, show the lad in here! [_Exit_ SERVANT.] + +_Rosy_. Ay, he'll be your porter; he'll give the rogues an +answer. + + +_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR, _disguised_. + +_Just_. So, a tall--Efacks! what! has lost an eye? + +_Rosy_. Only a bruise he got in taking seven or eight highwaymen. + +_Just_. He has a damned wicked leer somehow with the other. + +_Rosy_. Oh, no, he's bashful--a sheepish look---- + +_Just_. Well, my lad, what's your name? + +_O'Con_. Humphrey Hum. + +_Just_. Hum--I don't like Hum! + +_O'Con_. But I be mostly called honest Humphrey---- + +_Rosy_. There, I told you so, of noted honesty. + +_Just_. Well, honest Humphrey, the doctor has told you my terms, +and you are willing to serve, hey? + +_O'Con_. And please your worship I shall be well content. + +_Just_. Well, then, hark'ye, honest Humphrey,--you are sure now, +you will never be a rogue--never take a bribe hey, honest Humphrey? + +_O'Con_. A bribe! what's that? + +_Just._ A very ignorant fellow indeed! + +_Rosy_. His worship hopes you will not part with your honesty for +money. + +_O'Con_. Noa, noa. + +_Just_. Well said, Humphrey--my chief business with you is to +watch the motions of a rake-helly fellow here, one Lieutenant +O'Connor. + +_Rosy_. Ay, you don't value the soldiers, do you, Humphrey? + +_O'Con_. Not I; they are but zwaggerers, and you'll see they'll +be as much afraid of me as they would of their captain. + +_Just_. And i'faith, Humphrey, you have a pretty cudgel there! + +_O'Con_. Ay, the zwitch is better than nothing, but I should be +glad of a stouter: ha' you got such a thing in the house as an old +coach-pole, or a spare bed-post? + +_Just_. Oons, what a dragon it is!--Well, Humphrey, come with +me.--I'll just show him to Bridget, doctor, and we'll agree.--Come +along, honest Humphrey. [_Exit_.] + +_O'Con_. My dear doctor, now remember to bring the justice +presently to the walk: I have a scheme to get into his confidence at +once. + +_Rosy_. I will, I will. [_They shake hands_.] + + +_Re-enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS. + +_Just_. Why, honest Humphrey, hey! what the devil are you at? + +_Rosy_. I was just giving him a little advice.--Well I must go +for the present.--Good-morning to your worship--you need not fear the +lieutenant while he is in your house. + +_Just_. Well, get in, Humphrey. Good-morning to you, doctor.-- +[_Exit_ DOCTOR ROSY.] Come along, Humphrey.--Now I think I am a +match for the lieutenant and all his gang. [_Exeunt_.] + + + + +ACT II. + +SCENE I.--_A Street_. + +_Enter_ SERJEANT TROUNCE, DRUMMER _and_ SOLDIERS. + + +_Trounce_. Come, silence your drum--there is no valour stirring +to-day. I thought St. Patrick would have given us a recruit or two to- +day. + +_Sol_. Mark, serjeant! + + +_Enter two_ COUNTRYMEN. + +_Trounce_. Oh! these are the lads I was looking for; they have +the look of gentlemen.--An't you single, my lads? + +1 _Coun_. Yes, an please you, I be quite single: my relations be +all dead, thank heavens, more or less. I have but one poor mother left +in the world, and she's an helpless woman. + +_Trounce_. Indeed! a very extraordinary case--quite your own +master then--the fitter to serve his Majesty.--Can you read? + +1 _Coun_. Noa, I was always too lively to take to learning; but +John here is main clever at it. + +_Trounce_. So, what you're a scholar, friend? + +2 _Coun_. I was born so, measter. Feyther kept grammar-school. + +_Trounce_. Lucky man--in a campaign or two put yourself down +chaplain to the regiment. And I warrant you have read of warriors and +heroes? + +2 _Coun_. Yes, that I have: I have read of Jack the Giant Killer, +and the Dragon of Wantly, and the--Noa, I believe that's all in the +hero way, except once about a comet. + +_Trounce_. Wonderful knowledge!--Well, my heroes, I'll write word +to the king of your good intentions, and meet me half an hour hence at +the Two Magpies. + +_Coun_. We will, your honour, we will. + +_Trounce_. But stay; for fear I shouldn't see you again in the +crowd, clap these little bits of ribbon into your hats. + +1 _Coun_. Our hats are none of the best. + +_Trounce_. Well, meet me at the Magpies, and I'll give you money +to buy new ones. + +_Coun_. Bless your honour, thank your honour. [_Exeunt_.] + +_Trounce_. [_Winking at_ SOLDIERS.] Jack! [_Exeunt_ +SOLDIERS.] + + +_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR. + +So, here comes one would make a grenadier--Stop, friend, will you +list? + +_O'Con_. Who shall I serve under? + +_Trounce_. Under me, to be sure. + +_O'Con_. Isn't Lieutenant O'Connor your officer? + +_Trounce_. He is, and I am commander over him. + +_O'Con_. What! be your serjeants greater than your captains? + +_Trounce_. To be sure we are; 'tis our business to keep them in +order. For instance, now, the general writes to me, dear Serjeant, or +dear Trounce, or dear Serjeant Trounce, according to his hurry, if +your lieutenant does not demean himself accordingly, let me know.-- +Yours, General Deluge. + +_O'Con_. And do you complain of him often? + +_Trounce_. No, hang him, the lad is good-natured at the bottom, +so I pass over small things. But hark'ee, between ourselves, he is +most confoundedly given to wenching. + + +_Enter_ CORPORAL FLINT. + +_Flint_. Please your honour, the doctor is coming this way with +his worship--We are all ready, and have our cues. [_Exit_.] + +_O'Con_. Then, my dear Trounce, or my dear Sergeant, or my dear +Serjeant Trounce, take yourself away. + +_Trounce_. Zounds! the lieutenant--I smell of the black hole +already. [_Exit_.] + + +_Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_ DOCTOR ROSY. + +_Just_. I thought I saw some of the cut-throats. + +_Rosy_. I fancy not; there's no one but honest Humphrey. Ha! Odds +life, here comes some of them--we'll stay by these trees, and let them +pass. + +_Just_. Oh, the bloody-looking dogs! + +[_Walks aside with_ DOCTOR ROSY.] _Re-enter_ CORPORAL FLINT +_and two_ SOLDIERS. + +_Flint_. Halloa, friend! do you serve Justice Credulous? + +_O'Con_. I do. + +_Flint_. Are you rich? + +_O'Con_. Noa. + +_Flint_. Nor ever will be with that old stingy booby. Look here-- +take it. [_Gives him a purse_.] + +_O'Con_. What must I do for this? + +_Flint_. Mark me, our lieutenant is in love with the old rogue's +daughter: help us to break his worship's bones, and carry off the +girl, and you are a made man. + +_O'Con_. I'll see you hanged first, you pack of skurry villains! +[_Throws away the purse_.] + +_Flint_. What, sirrah, do you mutiny? Lay hold of him. + +_O'Con_. Nay, then, I'll try your armour for you. [_Beats +them_.] + +_All_. Oh! oh!--quarter! quarter! + +[_Exeunt_ CORPORAL FLINT _and_ SOLDIERS.] + +_Just_. [_Coming forward_.] Trim them, trounce them, break +their bones, honest Humphrey--What a spirit he has! + +_Rosy_. Aquafortis. _O'Con_. Betray your master! + +_Rosy_. What a miracle of fidelity! + +_Just_. Ay, and it shall not go unrewarded--I'll give him +sixpence on the spot. Here, honest Humphrey, there's for yourself: as +for this bribe, [_takes up the purse_,] such trash is best in the +hands of justice. Now, then, doctor, I think I may trust him to guard +the women: while he is with them I may go out with safety. + +_Rosy_. Doubtless you may--I'll answer for the lieutenant's +behaviour whilst honest Humphrey is with your daughter. + +_Just_. Ay, ay, she shall go nowhere without him. Come along, +honest Humphrey. How rare it is to meet with such a servant! +[_Exeunt_.] + + + + +SCENE II.--_A Garden_. + +LAURETTA _discovered. Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_ +LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR. + + +_Just_. Why, you little truant, how durst you wander so far from +the house without my leave? Do you want to invite that scoundrel +lieutenant to scale the walls and carry you off? + +_Lau_. Lud, papa, you are so apprehensive for nothing. + +_Just_. Why, hussy---- + +_Lau_. Well, then, I can't bear to be shut up all day so like a +nun. I am sure it is enough to make one wish to be run away with--and +I wish I was run away with--I do--and I wish the lieutenant knew it. + +_Just_. You do, do you, hussy? Well, I think I'll take pretty +good care of you. Here, Humphrey, I leave this lady in your care. Now +you may walk about the garden, Miss Pert; but Humphrey shall go with +you wherever you go. So mind, honest Humphrey, I am obliged to go +abroad for a little while; let no one but yourself come near her; +don't be shame-faced, you booby, but keep close to her. And now, miss, +let your lieutenant or any of his crew come near you if they can. +[_Exit_.] + +_Lau_. How this booby stares after him! [_Sits down and +sings_.] + +_O'Con_. Lauretta! + +_Lau_. Not so free, fellow! [_Sings_.] + +_O'Con_. Lauretta! look on me. + +_Lau_. Not so free, fellow! + +_O'Con_. No recollection! + +_Lau_. Honest Humphrey, be quiet. + +_O'Con_. Have you forgot your faithful soldier? + +_Lau_. Ah! Oh preserve me! + +_O'Con_. 'Tis, my soul! your truest slave, passing on your father +in this disguise. + +_Lau_. Well now, I declare this is charming--you are so +disguised, my dear lieutenant, and you look so delightfully ugly. I am +sure no one will find you out, ha! ha! ha!--You know I am under your +protection; papa charged you to keep close to me. + +_O'Con_. True, my angel, and thus let me fulfil---- + +_Lau_. O pray now, dear Humphrey---- + +_O'Con_. Nay, 'tis but what old Mittimus commanded. [_Offers to +kiss her_.] + + +_Re-enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS. + +_Just_. Laury, my--hey! what the devil's here? + +_Lau_. Well now, one kiss, and be quiet. + +_Just_. Your very humble servant, honest Humphrey! Don't let me-- +pray don't let me interrupt you! + +_Lau_. Lud, papa! Now that's so good-natured--indeed there's no +harm. You did not mean any rudeness, did you, Humphrey? + +_O'Con_. No, indeed, miss; his worship knows it is not in me. + +_Just_. I know that you are a lying, canting, hypocritical +scoundrel; and if you don't take yourself out of my sight---- + +_Lau_. Indeed, papa, now I'll tell you how it was. I was sometime +taken with a sudden giddiness, and Humphrey seeing me beginning to +totter, ran to my assistance, quite frightened, poor fellow, and took +me in his arms. + +_Just_. Oh! was that all--nothing but a little giddiness, hey! + +_O'Con_. That's all, indeed, your worship; for seeing miss change +colour, I ran up instantly. + +_Just_. Oh, 'twas very kind in you! + +_O'Con_. And luckily recovered her. + +_Just_. And who made you a doctor, you impudent rascal, hey? Get +out of my sight, I say, this instant, or by all the statutes-- + +_Lau_. Oh now, papa, you frighten me, and I am giddy again!--Oh, +help! + +_O'Con_. O dear lady, she'll fall! [_Takes her into his +arms_.] + +_Just_. Zounds! what before my face--why then, thou miracle of +impudence!--[_Lays hold of him and discovers him_.]--Mercy on me, +who have we here?--Murder! Robbery! Fire! Rape! Gunpowder! Soldiers! +John! Susan! Bridget! + +_O'Con_. Good sir, don't be alarmed; I mean you no harm. + +_Just_. Thieves! Robbers! Soldiers! + +_O'Con_. You know my love for your daughter-- + +_Just_. Fire! Cut-throats! + +_O'Con_. And that alone-- + +_Just_. Treason! Gunpowder! + + +_Enter a_ SERVANT _with a blunderbuss_. + +Now, scoundrel! let her go this instant. + +_Lau_. O papa, you'll kill me! + +_Just_. Honest Humphrey, be advised. Ay, miss, this way, if you +please. + +_O'Con_. Nay, sir, but hear me---- + +_Just_. I'll shoot. + +_O'Con_. And you'll be convinced---- + +_Just_. I'll shoot. + +_O'Con_. How injurious---- + +_Just_. I'll shoot--and so your very humble servant, honest +Humphrey Hum. [_Exeunt separately_.] + + + + +SCENE III.--_A Walk_. + +_Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY. + + +_Rosy_. Well, I think my friend is now in a fair way of +succeeding. Ah! I warrant he is full of hope and fear, doubt and +anxiety; truly he has the fever of love strong upon him: faint, +peevish, languishing all day, with burning, restless nights. Ah! just +my case when I pined for my poor dear Dolly! when she used to have her +daily colics, and her little doctor be sent for. Then would I +interpret the language of her pulse--declare my own sufferings in my +receipt for her--send her a pearl necklace in a pill-box, or a cordial +draught with an acrostic on the label. Well, those days are over: no +happiness lasting: all is vanity--now sunshine, now cloudy--we are, as +it were, king and beggar--then what avails---- + + +_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR. + +_O'Con_. O doctor! ruined and undone. + +_Rosy_. The pride of beauty---- + +_O'Con_. I am discovered, and---- + +_Rosy_. The gaudy palace---- + +_O'Con_. The justice is---- + +_Rosy_. The pompous wig---- + +_O'Con_. Is more enraged than ever. + +_Rosy_. The gilded cane---- + +_O'Con_. Why, doctor! [_Slapping him on the shoulder_.] + +_Rosy_. Hey! + +_O'Con_. Confound your morals! I tell you I am discovered, +discomfited, disappointed. + +_Rosy_. Indeed! Good lack, good lack, to think of the instability +of human affairs! Nothing certain in this world--most deceived when +most confident--fools of fortune all. + +_O'Con_. My dear doctor, I want at present a little practical +wisdom. I am resolved this instant to try the scheme we were going to +put into execution last week. I have the letter ready, and only want +your assistance to recover my ground. + +_Rosy_. With all my heart--I'll warrant you I'll bear a part in +it: but how the deuce were you discovered? + +_O'Con_. I'll tell you as we go; there's not a moment to be lost. + +_Rosy_. Heaven send we succeed better!--but there's no knowing. + +_O'Con_. Very true. + +_Rosy_. We may and we may not. + +_O'Con_. Right. + +_Rosy_. Time must show. + +_O'Con_. Certainly. + +_Rosy_. We are but blind guessers. + +_O'Con_. Nothing more. + +_Rosy_. Thick-sighted mortals. + +_O'Con_. Remarkably. + +_Rosy_. Wandering in error. + +_O'Con_. Even so. + +_Rosy_. Futurity is dark. + +_O'Con_. As a cellar. + +_Rosy_. Men are moles. + +[_Exeunt_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR _forcing out_ ROSY.] + + + + +SCENE IV.--_A Room in_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS' _House_. + +_Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_ MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. + + +_Just_. Odds life, Bridget, you are enough to make one mad! I +tell you he would have deceived a chief justice; the dog seemed as +ignorant as my clerk, and talked of honesty as if he had been a +churchwarden. + +_Mrs. Bri_. Pho! nonsense, honesty!--what had you to do, pray, +with honesty? A fine business you have made of it with your Humphrey +Hum: and miss, too, she must have been privy to it. Lauretta! ay, you +would have her called so; but for my part I never knew any good come +of giving girls these heathen Christian names: if you had called her +Deborrah, or Tabitha, or Ruth, or Rebecca, or Joan, nothing of this +had ever happened; but I always knew Lauretta was a runaway name. + +_Just_. Psha, you're a fool! + +_Mrs. Bri_. No, Mr. Credulous, it is you who are a fool, and no +one but such a simpleton would be so imposed on. + +_Just_. Why zounds, madam, how durst you talk so? If you have no +respect for your husband, I should think _unus quorum_ might +command a little deference. + +_Mrs. Bri_. Don't tell me!--Unus fiddlestick! you ought to be +ashamed to show your face at the sessions: you'll be a laughing-stock +to the whole bench, and a byword with all the pig-tailed lawyers and +bag-wigged attorneys about town. + +_Just_. Is this language for his majesty's representative? By the +statutes, it's high treason and petty treason, both at once! + + +_Enter_ SERVANT. + +_Ser_. A letter for your worship. + +_Just_. Who brought it? + +_Ser_. A soldier. + +_Just_. Take it away and burn it. + +_Mrs. Bri_. Stay!--Now you're in such a hurry--it is some canting +scrawl from the lieutenant, I suppose.--[_Takes the letter.-- +Exit_ SERVANT.] Let me see:--ay, 'tis signed O'Connor. + +_Just_. Well, come read it out. + +_Mrs. Bri_. [_Reads_.] _Revenge is sweet_. + +_Just_. It begins so, does it? I'm glad of that; I'll let the dog +know I'm of his opinion. + +_Mrs. Bri_. [_Reads_.] _And though disappointed of my +designs upon your daughter, I have still the satisfaction of knowing I +am revenged on her unnatural father; for this morning, in your +chocolate, I had the pleasure to administer to you a dose of +poison!_--Mercy on us! + +_Just_. No tricks, Bridget; come, you know it is not so; you know +it is a lie. + +_Mrs. Bri_. Read it yourself. + +_Just_. [_Reads_.] _Pleasure to administer a dose of +poison_!--Oh, horrible! Cut-throat villain!--Bridget! + +_Mrs. Bri_. Lovee, stay, here's a postscript.--[_Reads_.] +_N.B. 'Tis not in the power of medicine to save you_. + +_Just_. Odds my life, Bridget! why don't you call for help? I've +lost my voice.--My brain is giddy--I shall burst, and no assistance.-- +John!--Laury!--John! + +_Mrs. Bri_. You see, lovee, what you have brought on yourself. + + +_Re-enter_ SERVANT. + +_Ser_. Your worship! + +_Just_. Stay, John; did you perceive anything in my chocolate cup +this morning? + +_Ser_. Nothing, your worship, unless it was a little grounds. + +_Just_. What colour were they? + +_Ser_. Blackish, your worship. + +_Just_. Ay, arsenic, black arsenic!--Why don't you run for Dr. +Rosy, you rascal? + +_Ser_. Now, sir? + +_Mrs. Bri_. Oh, lovee, you may be sure it is in vain; let him run +for the lawyer to witness your will, my life. + +_Just_. Zounds! go for the doctor, you scoundrel. You are all +confederate murderers. + +_Ser_. Oh, here he is, your worship. [_Exit_.] + +_Just_. Now, Bridget, hold your tongue, and let me see if my +horrid situation be apparent. + + +_Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY. + +_Rosy_. I have but just called to inform--hey! bless me, what's +the matter with your worship? + +_Just_. There, he sees it already!--Poison in my face, in +capitals! Yes, yes, I'm a sure job for the undertakers indeed! + +_Mrs. Bri_. Oh! oh! alas, doctor! + +_Just_. Peace, Bridget!--Why, doctor, my dear old friend, do you +really see any change in me? + +_Rosy_. Change! never was man so altered: how came these black +spots on your nose? + +_Just_. Spots on my nose! + +_Rosy_. And that wild stare in your right eye! + +_Just_. In my right eye? + +_Rosy_. Ay, and, alack, alack, how you are swelled! + +_Just_. Swelled! + +_Rosy_. Ay, don't you think he is, madam? + +_Mrs. Bri_. Oh! 'tis in vain to conceal it!--Indeed, lovee, you +are as big again as you were this morning. + +_Just_. Yes, I feel it now--I'm poisoned!--Doctor, help me, for +the love of justice! Give me life to see my murderer hanged. + +_Rosy_. What? + +_Just_. I'm poisoned, I say! + +_Rosy_. Speak out! + +_Just_. What! can't you hear me? + +_Rosy_. Your voice is so low and hollow, as it were, I can't hear +a word you say. + +_Just_. I'm gone then!--_Hic jacet_, many years one of his +majesty's justices! + +_Mrs. Bri_. Read, doctor!--Ah, lovee, the will!--Consider, my +life, how soon you will be dead. + +_Just_. No, Bridget, I shall die by inches. + +_Rosy_. I never heard such monstrous iniquity.--Oh, you are gone +indeed, my friend! the mortgage of your little bit of clay is out, and +the sexton has nothing to do but to close. We must all go, sooner or +later--high and low--Death's a debt; his mandamus binds all alike--no +bail, no demurrer. + +_Just_. Silence, Dr. Croaker! will you cure me or will you not? + +_Rosy_. Alas! my dear friend, it is not in my power; but I'll +certainly see justice done on your murderer. + +_Just_. I thank you, my dear friend, but I had rather see it +myself. + +_Rosy_. Ay, but if you recover, the villain will escape. + +_Mrs. Bri_. Will he? then indeed it would be a pity you should +recover. I am so enraged against the villain, I can't bear the thought +of his escaping the halter. + +_Just_. That's very kind in you, my dear; but if it's the same +thing to you, my dear, I had as soon recover, notwithstanding.--What, +doctor, no assistance! + +_Rosy_. Efacks, I can do nothing, but there's the German quack, +whom you wanted to send from town; I met him at the next door, and I +know he has antidotes for all poisons. + +_Just_. Fetch him, my dear friend, fetch him! I'll get him a +diploma if he cures me. + +_Rosy_. Well, there's no time to be lost; you continue to swell +immensely. [_Exit_.] + +_Mrs. Bri_. What, my dear, will you submit to be cured by a quack +nostrum-monger? For my part, as much as I love you, I had rather +follow you to your grave than see you owe your life to any but a +regular-bred physician. + +_Just_. I'm sensible of your affection, dearest; and be assured +nothing consoles me in my melancholy situation so much as the thoughts +of leaving you behind. + + +_Re-enter_ DOCTOR ROSY, _with_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR +_disguised_. + +_Rosy_. Great luck; met him passing by the door. + +_O'Con_. Metto dowsei pulsum. + +_Rosy_. He desires me to feel your pulse. + +_Just_. Can't he speak English? + +_Rosy_. Not a word. + +_O'Con_. Palio vivem mortem soonem. + +_Rosy_. He says you have not six hours to live. + +_Just_. O mercy! does he know my distemper? + +_Rosy_. I believe not. + +_Just_. Tell him 'tis black arsenic they have given me. + +_Rosy_. Geneable illi arsnecca. + +_O'Con_. Pisonatus. + +_Just_. What does he say? + +_Rosy_. He says you are poisoned. + +_Just_. We know that; but what will be the effect? + +_Rosy_. Quid effectum? + +_O'Con_. Diable tutellum. + +_Rosy_. He says you'll die presently. + +_Just_. Oh, horrible! What, no antidote? + +_O'Con_. Curum benakere bono fullum. + +_Just_. What, does he say I must row in a boat to Fulham? + +_Rosy_. He says he'll undertake to cure you for three thousand +pounds. + +_Mrs. Bri_. Three thousand pounds! three thousand halters!--No, +lovee, you shall never submit to such impositions; die at once, and be +a customer to none of them. + +_Just_. I won't die, Bridget--I don't like death. + +_Mrs. Bri_. Psha! there is nothing in it: a moment, and it is +over. + +_Just_. Ay, but it leaves a numbness behind that lasts a plaguy +long time. + +_Mrs. Bri_. O my dear, pray consider the will. + + +_Enter_ LAURETTA. + +_Lau_. O my father, what is this I hear? + +_O'Con_. Quiddam seomriam deos tollam rosam. + +_Rosy_. The doctor is astonished at the sight of your fair +daughter. + +_Just_. How so? + +_O'Con_. Damsellum livivum suvum rislibani. + +_Rosy_. He says that he has lost his heart to her, and that if +you will give him leave to pay his addresses to the young lady, and +promise your consent to the union, if he should gain her affections, +he will, on those conditions, cure you instantly, without fee or +reward. + +_Just_. The devil! did he say all that in so few words? What a +fine language it is! Well, I agree, if he can prevail on the girl.-- +[_Aside_.] And that I am sure he never will. + +_Rosy_. Greal. + +_O'Con_. Writhum bothum. + +_Rosy_. He says you must give this under your hand, while he +writes you a miraculous receipt. [_Both sit down to write_.] + +_Lau_. Do, mamma, tell me the meaning of this. + +_Mrs. Bri_. Don't speak to me, girl.--Unnatural parent! + +_Just_. There, doctor; there's what he requires. + +_Rosy_. And here's your receipt: read it yourself. + +_Just_. Hey! what's here? plain English! + +_Rosy_. Read it out; a wondrous nostrum, I'll answer for it. + +_Just_. [_Reads_.] _In reading this you are cured, by your +affectionate son-in-law,_ O'CONNOR.--Who in the name of Beelzebub, +sirrah, who are you? + +_O'Con_. Your affectionate son-in-law, O'Connor, and your very +humble servant, Humphrey Hum. + +_Just_. 'Tis false, you dog! you are not my son-in-law; for I'll +be poisoned again, and you shall be hanged.--I'll die, sirrah, and +leave Bridget my estate. + +_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, pray do, my dear, leave me your estate; I'm sure +he deserves to be hanged. + +_Just_. He does, you say!--Hark'ee, Bridget, you showed such a +tender concern for me when you thought me poisoned, that, for the +future, I am resolved never to take your advice again in anything.-- +[_To_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR] So, do you hear, sir, you are an +Irishman and a soldier, ain't you? + +_O'Con_. I am sir, and proud of both. + +_Just_. The two things on earth I most hate; so I tell you what-- +renounce your country and sell your commission, and I'll forgive you. + +_O'Con_. Hark'ee, Mr. Justice--if you were not the father of my +Lauretta, I would pull your nose for asking the first, and break your +bones for desiring the second. + +_Rosy_. Ay, ay, you're right. + +_Just_. Is he? then I'm sure I must be wrong.--Here, sir, I give +my daughter to you, who are the most impudent dog I ever saw in my +life. + +_O'Con_. Oh, sir, say what you please; with such a gift as +Lauretta, every word is a compliment. + +_Mrs. Bri_. Well, my lovee, I think this will be a good subject +for us to quarrel about the rest of our lives. + +_Just_. Why, truly, my dear,--I think so, though we are seldom at +a loss for that. + +_Rosy_. This is all as it should be.--My Alexander, I give you +joy, and you, my little god-daughter; and now my sincere wish is, that +you may make just such a wife as my poor dear Dolly. [_Exeunt +omnes_.] + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's St. Patrick's Day, by Richard Brinsley Sheridan + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ST. PATRICK'S DAY *** + +This file should be named 6707.txt or 6707.zip + +Produced by Delphine Lettau, Charles Franks +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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