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diff --git a/6707-0.txt b/6707-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e3c1e11 --- /dev/null +++ b/6707-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2036 @@ + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of St. Patrick’s Day, by Richard Brinsley Sheridan + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most +other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + +Title: St. Patrick’s Day + +Author: Richard Brinsley Sheridan + +Release Date: October, 2004 [EBook #6707] +Last updated: November 14, 2019 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ST. PATRICK’S DAY *** + + + + +Produced by Delphine Lettau, Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + +ST. PATRICK’S DAY + +OR, THE SCHEMING LIEUTENANT + +_A FARCE_ + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +AS ORIGINALLY ACTED AT COVENT-GARDEN THEATRE IN 1775 + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR _Mr. Clinch_. +DR. ROSY _Mr. Quick_. +JUSTICE CREDULOUS _Mr. Lee Lewes_. +SERJEANT TROUNCE _Mr. Booth_. +CORPORAL FLINT…………………… +LAURETTA _Mrs. Cargill_. +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS _Mrs. Pitt_. + +Drummer, Soldiers, Countrymen, _and_ Servant. + +SCENE—A TOWN IN ENGLAND. + + + + +ACT I. + +SCENE I.—LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR’s Lodgings. + + +_Enter_ SERJEANT TROUNCE, CORPORAL FLINT, _and four_ SOLDIERS. + +FIRST SOLDIER. +I say you are wrong; we should all speak together, each for himself, +and all at once, that we may be heard the better. + +SECOND SOLDIER. +Right, Jack, we’ll argue in platoons. + +THIRD SOLDIER. +Ay, ay, let him have our grievances in a volley, and if we be to have a +spokesman, there’s the corporal is the lieutenant’s countryman, and +knows his humour. + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Let me alone for that. I served three years, within a bit, under his +honour, in the Royal Inniskillions, and I never will see a sweeter +tempered gentleman, nor one more free with his purse. I put a great +shammock in his hat this morning, and I’ll be bound for him he’ll wear +it, was it as big as Steven’s Green. + +FOURTH SOLDIER. +I say again then you talk like youngsters, like militia striplings: +there’s a discipline, look’ee in all things, whereof the serjeant must +be our guide; he’s a gentleman of words; he understands your foreign +lingo, your figures, and such like auxiliaries in scoring. Confess now +for a reckoning, whether in chalk or writing, ben’t he your only man? + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Why the serjeant is a scholar to be sure, and has the gift of reading. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Good soldiers, and fellow-gentlemen, if you make me your spokesman, you +will show the more judgment; and let me alone for the argument. I’ll be +as loud as a drum, and point blank from the purpose. + +ALL. +Agreed, agreed. + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Oh, faith! here comes the lieutenant.—Now, Serjeant. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +So then, to order.—Put on your mutiny looks; every man grumble a little +to himself, and some of you hum the Deserter’s March. + +_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Well, honest lads, what is it you have to complain of? + +SOLDIER. +Ahem! hem! + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +So please your honour, the very grievance of the matter is this:—ever +since your honour differed with justice Credulous, our inn-keepers use +us most scurvily. By my halbert, their treatment is such, that if your +spirit was willing to put up with it, flesh and blood could by no means +agree; so we humbly petition that your honour would make an end of the +matter at once, by running away with the justice’s daughter, or else +get us fresh quarters,—hem! hem! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Indeed! Pray which of the houses use you ill? + +FIRST SOLDIER. +There’s the Red Lion an’t half the civility of the old Red Lion. + +SECOND SOLDIER. +There’s the White Horse, if he wasn’t case-hardened, ought to be +ashamed to show his face. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Very well; the Horse and the Lion shall answer for it at the quarter +sessions. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +The two Magpies are civil enough; but the Angel uses us like devils, +and the Rising Sun refuses us light to go to bed by. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Then, upon my word, I’ll have the Rising Sun put down, and the Angel +shall give security for his good behaviour; but are you sure you do +nothing to quit scores with them? + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Nothing at all, your honour, unless now and then we happen to fling a +cartridge into the kitchen fire, or put a spatterdash or so into the +soup; and sometimes Ned drums up and down stairs a little of a night. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Oh, all that’s fair; but hark’ee, lads, I must have no grumbling on St. +Patrick’s Day; so here, take this, and divide it amongst you. But +observe me now,—show yourselves men of spirit, and don’t spend sixpence +of it in drink. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Nay, hang it, your honour, soldiers should never bear malice; we must +drink St. Patrick’s and your honour’s health. + +ALL. +Oh, damn malice! St. Patrick’s and his honour’s by all means. + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Come away, then, lads, and first we’ll parade round the Market-cross, +for the honour of King George. + +FIRST SOLDIER. +Thank your honour.—Come along; St. Patrick, his honour, and strong beer +for ever! [_Exeunt_ SOLDIERS.] + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Get along, you thoughtless vagabonds! yet, upon my conscience, ’tis +very hard these poor fellows should scarcely have bread from the soil +they would die to defend. + +_Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY. + +Ah, my little Dr. Rosy, my Galen a-bridge, what’s the news? + +DR. ROSY. +All things are as they were, my Alexander; the justice is as violent as +ever: I felt his pulse on the matter again, and, thinking his rage +began to intermit, I wanted to throw in the bark of good advice, but it +would not do. He says you and your cut-throats have a plot upon his +life, and swears he had rather see his daughter in a scarlet fever than +in the arms of a soldier. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Upon my word the army is very much obliged to him. Well, then, I must +marry the girl first, and ask his consent afterwards. + +DR. ROSY. +So, then, the case of her fortune is desperate, hey? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Oh, hang fortune,—let that take its chance; there is a beauty in +Lauretta’s simplicity, so pure a bloom upon her charms. + +DR. ROSY. +So there is, so there is. You are for beauty as nature made her, hey! +No artificial graces, no cosmetic varnish, no beauty in grey, hey! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Upon my word, doctor, you are right; the London ladies were always too +handsome for me; then they are so defended, such a circumvallation of +hoop, with a breastwork of whale-bone that would turn a pistol-bullet, +much less Cupid’s arrows,—then turret on turret on top, with stores of +concealed weapons, under pretence of black pins,—and above all, a +standard of feathers that would do honour to a knight of the Bath. Upon +my conscience, I could as soon embrace an Amazon, armed at all points. + +DR. ROSY. +Right, right, my Alexander! my taste to a tittle. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Then, doctor, though I admire modesty in women, I like to see their +faces. I am for the changeable rose; but with one of these quality +Amazons, if their midnight dissipations had left them blood enough to +raise a blush, they have not room enough in their cheeks to show it. To +be sure, bashfulness is a very pretty thing; but, in my mind, there is +nothing on earth so impudent as an everlasting blush. + +DR. ROSY. +My taste, my taste!—Well, Lauretta is none of these. Ah! I never see +her but she put me in mind of my poor dear wife. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +[_Aside_.] Ay, faith; in my opinion she can’t do a worse thing. Now he +is going to bother me about an old hag that has been dead these six +years. + +DR. ROSY. +Oh, poor Dolly! I never shall see her like again; such an arm for a +bandage—veins that seemed to invite the lancet. Then her skin, smoothe +and white as a gallipot; her mouth as large and not larger than the +mouth of a penny phial; her lips conserve of roses; and then her +teeth—none of your sturdy fixtures—ache as they would, it was but a +small pull, and out they came. I believe I have drawn half a score of +her poor dear pearls—[_weeps_]—But what avails her beauty? Death has no +consideration—one must die as well as another. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +[_Aside_.] Oh, if he begins to moralize—-[_Takes out his snuff-box_.] + +DR. ROSY. +Fair and ugly, crooked or straight, rich or poor—flesh is grass—flowers +fade! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Here, doctor, take a pinch, and keep up your spirits. + +DR. ROSY. +True, true, my friend; grief can’t mend the matter—all’s for the best; +but such a woman was a great loss, lieutenant. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +To be sure, for doubtless she had mental accomplishments equal to her +beauty. + +DR. ROSY. +Mental accomplishments! she would have stuffed an alligator, or pickled +a lizard, with any apothecaru’s wife in the kingdom. Why, she could +decipher a prescription, and invent the ingredients, almost as well as +myself: then she was such a hand at making foreign waters!—for Seltzer, +Pyrmont, Islington, or Chalybeate, she never had her equal; and her +Bath and Bristol springs exceeded the originals.—Ah, poor Dolly! she +fell a martyr to her own discoveries. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +How so, pray? + +DR. ROSY. +Poor soul! her illness was occasioned by her zeal in trying an +improvement on the Spa-water by an infusion of rum and acid. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Ay, ay, spirits never agree with water-drinkers. + +DR. ROSY. +No, no, you mistake. Rum agreed with her well enough; it was not the +rum that killed the poor dear creature, for she died of a dropsy. Well, +she is gone, never to return, and has left no pledge of our loves +behind. No little babe, to hang like a label round papa’s neck. Well, +well, we are all mortal—sooner or later—flesh is grass— flowers fade. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +[_Aside_.] Oh, the devil!—again! + +DR. ROSY. +Life’s a shadow—the world a stage—we strut an hour. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Here, doctor. [_Offers snuff_.] + +DR. ROSY. +True, true, my friend: well, high grief can’t cure it. All’s for the +best, hey! my little Alexander? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Right, right; an apothecary should never be out of spirits. But come, +faith, ’tis time honest Humphrey should wait on the justice; that must +be our first scheme. + +DR. ROSY. +True, true; you should be ready: the clothes are at my house, and I +have given you such a character, that he is impatient to have you: he +swears you shall be his body-guard. Well, I honour the army, or I +should never do so much to serve you. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Indeed I am bound to you for ever, doctor; and when once I’m possessed +of my dear Lauretta, I will endeavour to make work for you as fast as +possible. + +DR. ROSY. +Now you put me in mind of my poor wife again. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Ah, pray forget her a little: we shall be too late. + +DR. ROSY. +Poor Dolly! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +’Tis past twelve. + +DR. ROSY. +Inhuman dropsy! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +The justice will wait. + +DR. ROSY. +Cropped in her prime! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +For heaven’s sake, come! + +DR. ROSY. +Well, flesh is grass. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +O, the devil! + +DR. ROSY. +We must all die— + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Doctor! + +DR. ROSY. +Kings, lords, and common whores— + +[_Exeunt_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR _forcing_ Rosy _off_.] + +SCENE II.—_A Room in_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS’ _House_. + +_Enter_ LAURETTA _and_ MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. + +LAURETTA. +I repeat it again, mamma, officers are the prettiest men in the world, +and Lieutenant O’Connor is the prettiest officer I ever saw. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +For shame, Laura! how can you talk so?—or if you must have a military +man, there’s Lieutenant Plow, or Captain Haycock, or Major Dray, the +brewer, are all your admirers; and though they are peaceable, good kind +of men, they have as large cockades, and become scarlet, as well as the +fighting folks. + +LAURETTA. +Psha! you know, mamma, I hate militia officers; a set of dunghill cocks +with spurs on—heroes scratched off a church door— clowns in military +masquerade, wearing the dress without supporting the character. No, +give me the bold upright youth, who makes love to- day, and his head +shot off to-morrow. Dear! to think how the sweet fellows sleep on the +ground, and fight in silk stockings and lace ruffles. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Oh, barbarous! to want a husband that may wed you to- day, and be sent +the Lord knows where before night; then in a twelvemonth perhaps to +have him come like a Colossus, with one leg at New York, and the other +at Chelsea Hospital. + +LAURETTA. +Then I’ll be his crutch, mamma. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +No, give me a husband that knows where his limbs are, though he want +the use of them:—and if he should take you with him, to sleep in a +baggage-cart, and stroll about the camp like a gipsy, with a knapsack +and two children at your back; then, by way of entertainment in the +evening, to make a party with the serjeant’s wife to drink bohea tea, +and play at all-fours on a drum-head:—’tis a precious life, to be sure! + +LAURETTA. +Nay, mamma, you shouldn’t be against my lieutenant, for I heard him say +you were the best natured and best looking woman in the world. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Why, child, I never said but that Lieutenant O’Connor was a very +well-bred and discerning young man; ’tis your papa is so violent +against him. + +LAURETTA. +Why, Cousin Sophy married an officer. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Ay, Laura, an officer of the militia. + +LAURETTA. +No, indeed, ma’am, a marching regiment. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +No, child, I tell you he was a major of militia. + +LAURETTA. +Indeed, mamma, it wasn’t. + +_Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Bridget, my love, I have had a message. + +LAURETTA. +It was cousin Sophy told me so. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I have had a message, love— + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +No, child, she would say no such thing. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +A message, I say. + +LAURETTA. +How could he be in the militia when he was ordered abroad? + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Ay, girl, hold your tongue!—Well, my dear. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I have had a message from Doctor Rosy. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +He ordered abroad! He went abroad for his health. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Why, Bridget!— + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Well, deary.—Now hold your tongue, miss. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +A message from Dr. Rosy, and Dr. Rosy says— + +LAURETTA. +I’m sure, mamma, his regimentals— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Damn his regimentals!—Why don’t you listen? + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Ay, girl, how durst you interrupt your papa? + +LAURETTA. +Well, papa. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Dr. Rosy says he’ll bring— + +LAURETTA. +Were blue turned up with red, mamma. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Laury!—says he will bring the young man— + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Red! yellow, if you please, miss. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Bridget!—the young man that is to be hired— + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Besides, miss, it is very unbecoming in you to want to have the last +word with your mamma; you should know— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Why, zounds! will you hear me or no? + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +I am listening, my love, I am listening!—But what signifies my silence, +what good is my not speaking a word, if this girl will interrupt and +let nobody speak but herself?—Ay, I don’t wonder, my life, at your +impatience; your poor dear lips quiver to speak; but I suppose she’ll +run on, and not let you put in a word.— You may very well be angry; +there is nothing, sure, so provoking as a chattering, talking— + +LAURETTA. +Nay, I’m sure, mamma, it is you will not let papa speak now. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Why, you little provoking minx—— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Get out of the room directly, both of you—get out! + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Ay, go, girl. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Go, Bridget, you are worse than she, you old hag. I wish you were both +up to the neck in the canal, to argue there till I took you out. + +_Enter_ SERVANT. + +SERVANT. +Doctor Rosy, sir + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Show him up. [_Exit_ SERVANT.] + +LAURETTA. +Then you own, mamma, it was a marching regiment? + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +You’re an obstinate fool, I tell you; for if that had been the case—— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +You won’t go? + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +We are going, Mr. Surly.—If that had been the case, I say, how could—— + +LAURETTA. +Nay, mamma, one proof—— + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +How could Major—— + +LAURETTA. +And a full proof—— + +[JUSTICE CREDULOUS _drives them off_.] + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +There they go, ding dong in for the day. Good lack! a fluent tongue is +the only thing a mother don’t like her daughter to resemble her in. + +_Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY. + +Well, doctor, where’s the lad—where’s Trusty? + +DR. ROSY. +At hand; he’ll be here in a minute, I’ll answer for’t. He’s such a one +as you an’t met with,—brave as a lion, gentle as a saline draught. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Ah, he comes in the place of a rogue, a dog that was corrupted by the +lieutenant. But this is a sturdy fellow, is he, doctor? + +DR. ROSY. +As Hercules; and the best back-sword in the country. Egad, he’ll make +the red coats keep their distance. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +O the villains; this is St. Patrick’s day, and the rascals have been +parading my house all the morning. I know they have a design upon me; +but I have taken all precautions: I have magazines of arms, and if this +fellow does but prove faithful, I shall be more at ease. + +DR. ROSY. +Doubtless he’ll be a comfort to you. + +_Re-enter_ SERVANT. + +SERVANT. +There is a man below, inquires for Doctor Rosy. + +DR. ROSY. +Show him up. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Hold! a little caution—how does he look? + +SERVANT. +A country-looking fellow, your worship. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Oh, well, well, for Doctor Rosy; these rascals try all ways to get in +here. + +SERVANT. +Yes, please your worship; there was one here this morning wanted to +speak to you; he said his name was Corporal Breakbones. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Corporal Breakbones! + +SERVANT. +And Drummer Crackskull came again. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Ay, did you ever hear of such a damned confounded crew? Well, show the +lad in here! [_Exit_ SERVANT.] + +DR. ROSY. +Ay, he’ll be your porter; he’ll give the rogues an answer. + +_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR, _disguised_. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +So, a tall—Efacks! what! has lost an eye? + +DR. ROSY. +Only a bruise he got in taking seven or eight highwaymen. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +He has a damned wicked leer somehow with the other. + +DR. ROSY. +Oh, no, he’s bashful—a sheepish look—— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Well, my lad, what’s your name? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Humphrey Hum. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Hum—I don’t like Hum! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +But I be mostly called honest Humphrey—— + +DR. ROSY. +There, I told you so, of noted honesty. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Well, honest Humphrey, the doctor has told you my terms, and you are +willing to serve, hey? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +And please your worship I shall be well content. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Well, then, hark’ye, honest Humphrey,—you are sure now, you will never +be a rogue—never take a bribe hey, honest Humphrey? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +A bribe! what’s that? + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +A very ignorant fellow indeed! + +DR. ROSY. +His worship hopes you will not part with your honesty for money. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Noa, noa. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Well said, Humphrey—my chief business with you is to watch the motions +of a rake-helly fellow here, one Lieutenant O’Connor. + +DR. ROSY. +Ay, you don’t value the soldiers, do you, Humphrey? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Not I; they are but zwaggerers, and you’ll see theu’ll be as much +afraid of me as they would of their captain. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +And i’faith, Humphrey, you have a pretty cudgel there! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Ay, the zwitch is better than nothing, but I should be glad of a +stouter: ha’ you got such a thing in the house as an old coach-pole, or +a spare bed-post? + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Oons, what a dragon it is!—Well, Humphrey, come with me.—I’ll just show +him to Bridget, doctor, and we’ll agree.—Come along, honest Humphrey. +[_Exit_.] + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +My dear doctor, now remember to bring the justice presently to the +walk: I have a scheme to get into his confidence at once. + +DR. ROSY. +I will, I will. [_They shake hands_.] + +_Re-enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Why, honest Humphrey, hey! what the devil are you at? + +DR. ROSY. +I was just giving him a little advice.—Well I must go for the +present.—Good-morning to your worship—you need not fear the lieutenant +while he is in your house. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Well, get in, Humphrey. Good-morning to you, doctor.— [_Exit_ DOCTOR +ROSY.] Come along, Humphrey.—Now I think I am a match for the +lieutenant and all his gang. [_Exeunt_.] + + + +ACT II. + +SCENE I.—_A Street_. + +_Enter_ SERJEANT TROUNCE, DRUMMER _and_ SOLDIERS. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Come, silence your drum—there is no valour stirring to-day. I thought +St. Patrick would have given us a recruit or two to- day. + +SOLDIER. +Mark, serjeant! + +_Enter two_ COUNTRYMEN. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Oh! these are the lads I was looking for; they have the look of +gentlemen.—An’t you single, my lads? + +FIRST COUNTRYMAN. +Yes, an please you, I be quite single: my relations be all dead, thank +heavens, more or less. I have but one poor mother left in the world, +and she’s an helpless woman. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Indeed! a very extraordinary case—quite your own master then—the fitter +to serve his Majesty.—Can you read? + +FIRST COUNTRYMAN. +Noa, I was always too lively to take to learning; but John here is main +clever at it. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +So, what you’re a scholar, friend? + +SECOND COUNTRYMAN. +I was born so, measter. Feyther kept grammar-school. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Lucky man—in a campaign or two put yourself down chaplain to the +regiment. And I warrant you have read of warriors and heroes? + +SECOND COUNTRYMAN. +Yes, that I have: I have read of Jack the Giant Killer, and the Dragon +of Wantly, and the—Noa, I believe that’s all in the hero way, except +once about a comet. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Wonderful knowledge!—Well, my heroes, I’ll write word to the king of +your good intentions, and meet me half an hour hence at the Two +Magpies. + +COUNTRYMAN. +We will, your honour, we will. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +But stay; for fear I shouldn’t see you again in the crowd, clap these +little bits of ribbon into your hats. + +FIRST COUNTRYMAN. +Our hats are none of the best. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Well, meet me at the Magpies, and I’ll give you money to buy new ones. + +COUNTRYMAN. +Bless your honour, thank your honour. [_Exeunt_.] + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +[_Winking at_ SOLDIERS.] Jack! [_Exeunt_ SOLDIERS.] + +_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. + +So, here comes one would make a grenadier—Stop, friend, will you list? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Who shall I serve under? + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Under me, to be sure. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Isn’t Lieutenant O’Connor your officer? + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +He is, and I am commander over him. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +What! be your serjeants greater than your captains? + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +To be sure we are; ’tis our business to keep them in order. For +instance, now, the general writes to me, dear Serjeant, or dear +Trounce, or dear Serjeant Trounce, according to his hurry, if your +lieutenant does not demean himself accordingly, let me know.— Yours, +General Deluge. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +And do you complain of him often? + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +No, hang him, the lad is good-natured at the bottom, so I pass over +small things. But hark’ee, between ourselves, he is most confoundedly +given to wenching. + +_Enter_ CORPORAL FLINT. + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Please your honour, the doctor is coming this way with his worship—We +are all ready, and have our cues. [_Exit_.] + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Then, my dear Trounce, or my dear Sergeant, or my dear Serjeant +Trounce, take yourself away. + +SERJEANT TROUNCE. +Zounds! the lieutenant—I smell of the black hole already. [_Exit_.] + +_Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_ DOCTOR ROSY. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I thought I saw some of the cut-throats. + +DR. ROSY. +I fancy not; there’s no one but honest Humphrey. Ha! Odds life, here +comes some of them—we’ll stay by these trees, and let them pass. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Oh, the bloody-looking dogs! + +[_Walks aside with_ DOCTOR ROSY.] _Re-enter_ CORPORAL FLINT _and two_ +SOLDIERS. + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Halloa, friend! do you serve Justice Credulous? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +I do. + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Are you rich? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Noa. + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Nor ever will be with that old stingy booby. Look here— take it. +[_Gives him a purse_.] + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +What must I do for this? + +CORPORAL FLINT. +Mark me, our lieutenant is in love with the old rogue’s daughter: help +us to break his worship’s bones, and carry off the girl, and you are a +made man. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +I’ll see you hanged first, you pack of skurry villains! [_Throws away +the purse_.] + +CORPORAL FLINT. +What, sirrah, do you mutiny? Lay hold of him. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Nay, then, I’ll try your armour for you. [_Beats them_.] + +ALL. +Oh! oh!—quarter! quarter! + +[_Exeunt_ CORPORAL FLINT _and_ SOLDIERS.] + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +[_Coming forward_.] Trim them, trounce them, break their bones, honest +Humphrey—What a spirit he has! + +DR. ROSY. +Aquafortis. _O’Con_. Betray your master! + +DR. ROSY. +What a miracle of fidelity! + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Ay, and it shall not go unrewarded—I’ll give him sixpence on the spot. +Here, honest Humphrey, there’s for yourself: as for this bribe, [_takes +up the purse_,] such trash is best in the hands of justice. Now, then, +doctor, I think I may trust him to guard the women: while he is with +them I may go out with safety. + +DR. ROSY. +Doubtless you may—I’ll answer for the lieutenant’s behaviour whilst +honest Humphrey is with your daughter. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Ay, ay, she shall go nowhere without him. Come along, honest Humphrey. +How rare it is to meet with such a servant! [_Exeunt_.] + +SCENE II.—_A Garden_. + +LAURETTA _discovered. Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_ LIEUTENANT +O’CONNOR. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Why, you little truant, how durst you wander so far from the house +without my leave? Do you want to invite that scoundrel lieutenant to +scale the walls and carry you off? + +LAURETTA. +Lud, papa, you are so apprehensive for nothing. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Why, hussy—— + +LAURETTA. +Well, then, I can’t bear to be shut up all day so like a nun. I am sure +it is enough to make one wish to be run away with—and I wish I was run +away with—I do—and I wish the lieutenant knew it. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +You do, do you, hussy? Well, I think I’ll take pretty good care of you. +Here, Humphrey, I leave this lady in your care. Now you may walk about +the garden, Miss Pert; but Humphrey shall go with you wherever you go. +So mind, honest Humphrey, I am obliged to go abroad for a little while; +let no one but yourself come near her; don’t be shame-faced, you booby, +but keep close to her. And now, miss, let your lieutenant or any of his +crew come near you if they can. [_Exit_.] + +LAURETTA. +How this booby stares after him! [_Sits down and sings_.] + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Lauretta! + +LAURETTA. +Not so free, fellow! [_Sings_.] + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Lauretta! look on me. + +LAURETTA. +Not so free, fellow! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +No recollection! + +LAURETTA. +Honest Humphrey, be quiet. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Have you forgot your faithful soldier? + +LAURETTA. +Ah! Oh preserve me! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +’Tis, my soul! your truest slave, passing on your father in this +disguise. + +LAURETTA. +Well now, I declare this is charming—you are so disguised, my dear +lieutenant, and you look so delightfully ugly. I am sure no one will +find you out, ha! ha! ha!—You know I am under your protection; papa +charged you to keep close to me. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +True, my angel, and thus let me fulfil—— + +LAURETTA. +O pray now, dear Humphrey—— + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Nay, ’tis but what old Mittimus commanded. [_Offers to kiss her_.] + +_Re-enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Laury, my—hey! what the devil’s here? + +LAURETTA. +Well now, one kiss, and be quiet. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Your very humble servant, honest Humphrey! Don’t let me— pray don’t let +me interrupt you! + +LAURETTA. +Lud, papa! Now that’s so good-natured—indeed there’s no harm. You did +not mean any rudeness, did you, Humphrey? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +No, indeed, miss; his worship knows it is not in me. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I know that you are a lying, canting, hypocritical scoundrel; and if +you don’t take yourself out of my sight—— + +LAURETTA. +Indeed, papa, now I’ll tell you how it was. I was sometime taken with a +sudden giddiness, and Humphrey seeing me beginning to totter, ran to my +assistance, quite frightened, poor fellow, and took me in his arms. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Oh! was that all—nothing but a little giddiness, hey! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +That’s all, indeed, your worship; for seeing miss change colour, I ran +up instantly. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Oh, ’twas very kind in you! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +And luckily recovered her. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +And who made you a doctor, you impudent rascal, hey? Get out of my +sight, I say, this instant, or by all the statutes— + +LAURETTA. +Oh now, papa, you frighten me, and I am giddy again!—Oh, help! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +O dear lady, she’ll fall! [_Takes her into his arms_.] + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Zounds! what before my face—why then, thou miracle of impudence!—[_Lays +hold of him and discovers him_.]—Mercy on me, who have we here?—Murder! +Robbery! Fire! Rape! Gunpowder! Soldiers! John! Susan! Bridget! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Good sir, don’t be alarmed; I mean you no harm. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Thieves! Robbers! Soldiers! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +You know my love for your daughter— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Fire! Cut-throats! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +And that alone— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Treason! Gunpowder! + +_Enter a_ SERVANT _with a blunderbuss_. + +Now, scoundrel! let her go this instant. + +LAURETTA. +O papa, you’ll kill me! + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Honest Humphrey, be advised. Ay, miss, this way, if you please. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Nay, sir, but hear me—— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I’ll shoot. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +And you’ll be convinced—— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I’ll shoot. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +How injurious—— + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I’ll shoot—and so your very humble servant, honest Humphrey Hum. +[_Exeunt separately_.] + +SCENE III.—_A Walk_. + +_Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY. + +DR. ROSY. +Well, I think my friend is now in a fair way of succeeding. Ah! I +warrant he is full of hope and fear, doubt and anxiety; truly he has +the fever of love strong upon him: faint, peevish, languishing all day, +with burning, restless nights. Ah! just my case when I pined for my +poor dear Dolly! when she used to have her daily colics, and her little +doctor be sent for. Then would I interpret the language of her +pulse—declare my own sufferings in my receipt for her—send her a pearl +necklace in a pill-box, or a cordial draught with an acrostic on the +label. Well, those days are over: no happiness lasting: all is +vanity—now sunshine, now cloudy—we are, as it were, king and +beggar—then what avails—— + +_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +O doctor! ruined and undone. + +DR. ROSY. +The pride of beauty—— + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +I am discovered, and—— + +DR. ROSY. +The gaudy palace—— + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +The justice is—— + +DR. ROSY. +The pompous wig—— + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Is more enraged than ever. + +DR. ROSY. +The gilded cane—— + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Why, doctor! [_Slapping him on the shoulder_.] + +DR. ROSY. +Hey! + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Confound your morals! I tell you I am discovered, discomfited, +disappointed. + +DR. ROSY. +Indeed! Good lack, good lack, to think of the instability of human +affairs! Nothing certain in this world—most deceived when most +confident—fools of fortune all. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +My dear doctor, I want at present a little practical wisdom. I am +resolved this instant to try the scheme we were going to put into +execution last week. I have the letter ready, and only want your +assistance to recover my ground. + +DR. ROSY. +With all my heart—I’ll warrant you I’ll bear a part in it: but how the +deuce were you discovered? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +I’ll tell you as we go; there’s not a moment to be lost. + +DR. ROSY. +Heaven send we succeed better!—but there’s no knowing. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Very true. + +DR. ROSY. +We may and we may not. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Right. + +DR. ROSY. +Time must show. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Certainly. + +DR. ROSY. +We are but blind guessers. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Nothing more. + +DR. ROSY. +Thick-sighted mortals. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Remarkably. + +DR. ROSY. +Wandering in error. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Even so. + +DR. ROSY. +Futurity is dark. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +As a cellar. + +DR. ROSY. +Men are moles. + +[_Exeunt_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR _forcing out_ ROSY.] + +SCENE IV.—_A Room in_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS’ _House_. + +_Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_ MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Odds life, Bridget, you are enough to make one mad! I tell you he would +have deceived a chief justice; the dog seemed as ignorant as my clerk, +and talked of honesty as if he had been a churchwarden. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Pho! nonsense, honesty!—what had you to do, pray, with honesty? A fine +business you have made of it with your Humphrey Hum: and miss, too, she +must have been privy to it. Lauretta! ay, you would have her called so; +but for my part I never knew any good come of giving girls these +heathen Christian names: if you had called her Deborrah, or Tabitha, or +Ruth, or Rebecca, or Joan, nothing of this had ever happened; but I +always knew Lauretta was a runaway name. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Psha, you’re a fool! + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +No, Mr. Credulous, it is you who are a fool, and no one but such a +simpleton would be so imposed on. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Why zounds, madam, how durst you talk so? If you have no respect for +your husband, I should think _unus quorum_ might command a little +deference. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Don’t tell me!—Unus fiddlestick! you ought to be ashamed to show your +face at the sessions: you’ll be a laughing-stock to the whole bench, +and a byword with all the pig-tailed lawyers and bag-wigged attorneys +about town. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Is this language for his majestu’s representative? By the statutes, +it’s high treason and petty treason, both at once! + +_Enter_ SERVANT. + +SERVANT. +A letter for your worship. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Who brought it? + +SERVANT. +A soldier. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Take it away and burn it. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Stay!—Now you’re in such a hurry—it is some canting scrawl from the +lieutenant, I suppose.—[_Takes the letter.— Exit_ SERVANT.] Let me +see:—ay, ’tis signed O’Connor. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Well, come read it out. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +[_Reads_.] _Revenge is sweet_. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +It begins so, does it? I’m glad of that; I’ll let the dog know I’m of +his opinion. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +[_Reads_.] _And though disappointed of my designs upon your daughter, I +have still the satisfaction of knowing I am revenged on her unnatural +father; for this morning, in your chocolate, I had the pleasure to +administer to you a dose of poison!_—Mercy on us! + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +No tricks, Bridget; come, you know it is not so; you know it is a lie. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Read it yourself. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +[_Reads_.] _Pleasure to administer a dose of poison_!—Oh, horrible! +Cut-throat villain!—Bridget! + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Lovee, stay, here’s a postscript.—[_Reads_.] _N.B. ’Tis not in the +power of medicine to save you_. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Odds my life, Bridget! why don’t you call for help? I’ve lost my +voice.—My brain is giddy—I shall burst, and no assistance.— +John!—Laury!—John! + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +You see, lovee, what you have brought on yourself. + +_Re-enter_ SERVANT. + +SERVANT. +Your worship! + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Stay, John; did you perceive anything in my chocolate cup this morning? + +SERVANT. +Nothing, your worship, unless it was a little grounds. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +What colour were they? + +SERVANT. +Blackish, your worship. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Ay, arsenic, black arsenic!—Why don’t you run for Dr. Rosy, you rascal? + +SERVANT. +Now, sir? + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Oh, lovee, you may be sure it is in vain; let him run for the lawyer to +witness your will, my life. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Zounds! go for the doctor, you scoundrel. You are all confederate +murderers. + +SERVANT. +Oh, here he is, your worship. [_Exit_.] + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Now, Bridget, hold your tongue, and let me see if my horrid situation +be apparent. + +_Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY. + +DR. ROSY. +I have but just called to inform—hey! bless me, what’s the matter with +your worship? + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +There, he sees it already!—Poison in my face, in capitals! Yes, yes, +I’m a sure job for the undertakers indeed! + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Oh! oh! alas, doctor! + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Peace, Bridget!—Why, doctor, my dear old friend, do you really see any +change in me? + +DR. ROSY. +Change! never was man so altered: how came these black spots on your +nose? + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Spots on my nose! + +DR. ROSY. +And that wild stare in your right eye! + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +In my right eye? + +DR. ROSY. +Ay, and, alack, alack, how you are swelled! + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Swelled! + +DR. ROSY. +Ay, don’t you think he is, madam? + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Oh! ’tis in vain to conceal it!—Indeed, lovee, you are as big again as +you were this morning. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Yes, I feel it now—I’m poisoned!—Doctor, help me, for the love of +justice! Give me life to see my murderer hanged. + +DR. ROSY. +What? + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I’m poisoned, I say! + +DR. ROSY. +Speak out! + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +What! can’t you hear me? + +DR. ROSY. +Your voice is so low and hollow, as it were, I can’t hear a word you +say. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I’m gone then!—_Hic jacet_, many years one of his majestu’s justices! + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Read, doctor!—Ah, lovee, the will!—Consider, my life, how soon you will +be dead. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +No, Bridget, I shall die by inches. + +DR. ROSY. +I never heard such monstrous iniquity.—Oh, you are gone indeed, my +friend! the mortgage of your little bit of clay is out, and the sexton +has nothing to do but to close. We must all go, sooner or later—high +and low—Death’s a debt; his mandamus binds all alike—no bail, no +demurrer. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Silence, Dr. Croaker! will you cure me or will you not? + +DR. ROSY. +Alas! my dear friend, it is not in my power; but I’ll certainly see +justice done on your murderer. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I thank you, my dear friend, but I had rather see it myself. + +DR. ROSY. +Ay, but if you recover, the villain will escape. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Will he? then indeed it would be a pity you should recover. I am so +enraged against the villain, I can’t bear the thought of his escaping +the halter. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +That’s very kind in you, my dear; but if it’s the same thing to you, my +dear, I had as soon recover, notwithstanding.—What, doctor, no +assistance! + +DR. ROSY. +Efacks, I can do nothing, but there’s the German quack, whom you wanted +to send from town; I met him at the next door, and I know he has +antidotes for all poisons. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Fetch him, my dear friend, fetch him! I’ll get him a diploma if he +cures me. + +DR. ROSY. +Well, there’s no time to be lost; you continue to swell immensely. +[_Exit_.] + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +What, my dear, will you submit to be cured by a quack nostrum-monger? +For my part, as much as I love you, I had rather follow you to your +grave than see you owe your life to any but a regular-bred physician. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I’m sensible of your affection, dearest; and be assured nothing +consoles me in my melancholy situation so much as the thoughts of +leaving you behind. + +_Re-enter_ DOCTOR ROSY, _with_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR _disguised_. + +DR. ROSY. +Great luck; met him passing by the door. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Metto dowsei pulsum. + +DR. ROSY. +He desires me to feel your pulse. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Can’t he speak English? + +DR. ROSY. +Not a word. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Palio vivem mortem soonem. + +DR. ROSY. +He says you have not six hours to live. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +O mercy! does he know my distemper? + +DR. ROSY. +I believe not. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Tell him ’tis black arsenic they have given me. + +DR. ROSY. +Geneable illi arsnecca. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Pisonatus. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +What does he say? + +DR. ROSY. +He says you are poisoned. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +We know that; but what will be the effect? + +DR. ROSY. +Quid effectum? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Diable tutellum. + +DR. ROSY. +He says you’ll die presently. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Oh, horrible! What, no antidote? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Curum benakere bono fullum. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +What, does he say I must row in a boat to Fulham? + +DR. ROSY. +He says he’ll undertake to cure you for three thousand pounds. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Three thousand pounds! three thousand halters!—No, lovee, you shall +never submit to such impositions; die at once, and be a customer to +none of them. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +I won’t die, Bridget—I don’t like death. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Psha! there is nothing in it: a moment, and it is over. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Ay, but it leaves a numbness behind that lasts a plaguy long time. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +O my dear, pray consider the will. + +_Enter_ LAURETTA. + +LAURETTA. +O my father, what is this I hear? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Quiddam seomriam deos tollam rosam. + +DR. ROSY. +The doctor is astonished at the sight of your fair daughter. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +How so? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Damsellum livivum suvum rislibani. + +DR. ROSY. +He says that he has lost his heart to her, and that if you will give +him leave to pay his addresses to the young lady, and promise your +consent to the union, if he should gain her affections, he will, on +those conditions, cure you instantly, without fee or reward. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +The devil! did he say all that in so few words? What a fine language it +is! Well, I agree, if he can prevail on the girl.— [_Aside_.] And that +I am sure he never will. + +DR. ROSY. +Greal. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Writhum bothum. + +DR. ROSY. +He says you must give this under your hand, while he writes you a +miraculous receipt. [_Both sit down to write_.] + +LAURETTA. +Do, mamma, tell me the meaning of this. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Don’t speak to me, girl.—Unnatural parent! + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +There, doctor; there’s what he requires. + +DR. ROSY. +And here’s your receipt: read it yourself. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Hey! what’s here? plain English! + +DR. ROSY. +Read it out; a wondrous nostrum, I’ll answer for it. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +[_Reads_.] _In reading this you are cured, by your affectionate +son-in-law,_ O’CONNOR.—Who in the name of Beelzebub, sirrah, who are +you? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Your affectionate son-in-law, O’Connor, and your very humble servant, +Humphrey Hum. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +’Tis false, you dog! you are not my son-in-law; for I’ll be poisoned +again, and you shall be hanged.—I’ll die, sirrah, and leave Bridget my +estate. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Ay, pray do, my dear, leave me your estate; I’m sure he deserves to be +hanged. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +He does, you say!—Hark’ee, Bridget, you showed such a tender concern +for me when you thought me poisoned, that, for the future, I am +resolved never to take your advice again in anything.— [_To_ LIEUTENANT +O’CONNOR] So, do you hear, sir, you are an Irishman and a soldier, +ain’t you? + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +I am sir, and proud of both. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +The two things on earth I most hate; so I tell you what— renounce your +country and sell your commission, and I’ll forgive you. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Hark’ee, Mr. Justice—if you were not the father of my Lauretta, I would +pull your nose for asking the first, and break your bones for desiring +the second. + +DR. ROSY. +Ay, ay, you’re right. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Is he? then I’m sure I must be wrong.—Here, sir, I give my daughter to +you, who are the most impudent dog I ever saw in my life. + +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +Oh, sir, say what you please; with such a gift as Lauretta, every word +is a compliment. + +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +Well, my lovee, I think this will be a good subject for us to quarrel +about the rest of our lives. + +JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +Why, truly, my dear,—I think so, though we are seldom at a loss for +that. + +DR. ROSY. +This is all as it should be.—My Alexander, I give you joy, and you, my +little god-daughter; and now my sincere wish is, that you may make just +such a wife as my poor dear Dolly. [_Exeunt omnes_.] + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of St. Patrick’s Day, by Richard Brinsley Sheridan + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ST. 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