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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + +Title: St. Patrick’s Day + +Author: Richard Brinsley Sheridan + +Release Date: October, 2004 [EBook #6707] +Last updated: November 14, 2019 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ST. PATRICK’S DAY *** + + + + +Produced by Delphine Lettau, Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>ST. PATRICK’S DAY</h1> + +<h5>OR, THE SCHEMING LIEUTENANT</h5> + +<h4><i>A FARCE</i></h4> + +<h2>DRAMATIS PERSONAE</h2> + +<h5>AS ORIGINALLY ACTED AT COVENT-GARDEN THEATRE IN 1775</h5> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR <i>Mr. Clinch</i>.<br/> +DR. ROSY <i>Mr. Quick</i>.<br/> +JUSTICE CREDULOUS <i>Mr. Lee Lewes</i>.<br/> +SERJEANT TROUNCE <i>Mr. Booth</i>.<br/> +CORPORAL FLINT……………………<br/> +LAURETTA <i>Mrs. Cargill</i>.<br/> +MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS <i>Mrs. Pitt</i>.<br/> +</p> + +<p>Drummer, Soldiers, Countrymen, <i>and</i> Servant. +</p> + +<h3>SCENE—A TOWN IN ENGLAND.</h3> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2>ACT I.</h2> + +<h3>SCENE I.—LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR’s Lodgings.</h3> + +<p> + +<i>Enter</i> SERJEANT TROUNCE, CORPORAL FLINT, <i>and four</i> SOLDIERS. +</p> + +<p>FIRST SOLDIER.<br/> +I say you are wrong; we should all speak together, each for himself, and all at +once, that we may be heard the better. +</p> + +<p>SECOND SOLDIER.<br/> +Right, Jack, we’ll argue in platoons. +</p> + +<p>THIRD SOLDIER.<br/> +Ay, ay, let him have our grievances in a volley, and if we be to have a +spokesman, there’s the corporal is the lieutenant’s countryman, and +knows his humour. +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Let me alone for that. I served three years, within a bit, under his honour, in +the Royal Inniskillions, and I never will see a sweeter tempered gentleman, nor +one more free with his purse. I put a great shammock in his hat this morning, +and I’ll be bound for him he’ll wear it, was it as big as +Steven’s Green. +</p> + +<p>FOURTH SOLDIER.<br/> +I say again then you talk like youngsters, like militia striplings: +there’s a discipline, look’ee in all things, whereof the serjeant +must be our guide; he’s a gentleman of words; he understands your foreign +lingo, your figures, and such like auxiliaries in scoring. Confess now for a +reckoning, whether in chalk or writing, ben’t he your only man? +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Why the serjeant is a scholar to be sure, and has the gift of reading. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Good soldiers, and fellow-gentlemen, if you make me your spokesman, you will +show the more judgment; and let me alone for the argument. I’ll be as +loud as a drum, and point blank from the purpose. +</p> + +<p>ALL.<br/> +Agreed, agreed. +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Oh, faith! here comes the lieutenant.—Now, Serjeant. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +So then, to order.—Put on your mutiny looks; every man grumble a little +to himself, and some of you hum the Deserter’s March. +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Well, honest lads, what is it you have to complain of? +</p> + +<p>SOLDIER.<br/> +Ahem! hem! +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +So please your honour, the very grievance of the matter is this:—ever +since your honour differed with justice Credulous, our inn-keepers use us most +scurvily. By my halbert, their treatment is such, that if your spirit was +willing to put up with it, flesh and blood could by no means agree; so we +humbly petition that your honour would make an end of the matter at once, by +running away with the justice’s daughter, or else get us fresh +quarters,—hem! hem! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Indeed! Pray which of the houses use you ill? +</p> + +<p>FIRST SOLDIER.<br/> +There’s the Red Lion an’t half the civility of the old Red Lion. +</p> + +<p>SECOND SOLDIER.<br/> +There’s the White Horse, if he wasn’t case-hardened, ought to be +ashamed to show his face. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Very well; the Horse and the Lion shall answer for it at the quarter sessions. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +The two Magpies are civil enough; but the Angel uses us like devils, and the +Rising Sun refuses us light to go to bed by. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Then, upon my word, I’ll have the Rising Sun put down, and the Angel +shall give security for his good behaviour; but are you sure you do nothing to +quit scores with them? +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Nothing at all, your honour, unless now and then we happen to fling a cartridge +into the kitchen fire, or put a spatterdash or so into the soup; and sometimes +Ned drums up and down stairs a little of a night. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Oh, all that’s fair; but hark’ee, lads, I must have no grumbling on +St. Patrick’s Day; so here, take this, and divide it amongst you. But +observe me now,—show yourselves men of spirit, and don’t spend +sixpence of it in drink. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Nay, hang it, your honour, soldiers should never bear malice; we must drink +St. Patrick’s and your honour’s health. +</p> + +<p>ALL.<br/> +Oh, damn malice! St. Patrick’s and his honour’s by all means. +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Come away, then, lads, and first we’ll parade round the Market-cross, for +the honour of King George. +</p> + +<p>FIRST SOLDIER.<br/> +Thank your honour.—Come along; St. Patrick, his honour, and strong beer +for ever! [<i>Exeunt</i> SOLDIERS.] +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Get along, you thoughtless vagabonds! yet, upon my conscience, ’tis very +hard these poor fellows should scarcely have bread from the soil they would die +to defend. +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> DOCTOR ROSY. +</p> + +<p>Ah, my little Dr. Rosy, my Galen a-bridge, what’s the news? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +All things are as they were, my Alexander; the justice is as violent as ever: I +felt his pulse on the matter again, and, thinking his rage began to intermit, I +wanted to throw in the bark of good advice, but it would not do. He says you +and your cut-throats have a plot upon his life, and swears he had rather see +his daughter in a scarlet fever than in the arms of a soldier. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Upon my word the army is very much obliged to him. Well, then, I must marry the +girl first, and ask his consent afterwards. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +So, then, the case of her fortune is desperate, hey? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Oh, hang fortune,—let that take its chance; there is a beauty in +Lauretta’s simplicity, so pure a bloom upon her charms. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +So there is, so there is. You are for beauty as nature made her, hey! No +artificial graces, no cosmetic varnish, no beauty in grey, hey! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Upon my word, doctor, you are right; the London ladies were always too handsome +for me; then they are so defended, such a circumvallation of hoop, with a +breastwork of whale-bone that would turn a pistol-bullet, much less +Cupid’s arrows,—then turret on turret on top, with stores of +concealed weapons, under pretence of black pins,—and above all, a +standard of feathers that would do honour to a knight of the Bath. Upon my +conscience, I could as soon embrace an Amazon, armed at all points. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Right, right, my Alexander! my taste to a tittle. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Then, doctor, though I admire modesty in women, I like to see their faces. I am +for the changeable rose; but with one of these quality Amazons, if their +midnight dissipations had left them blood enough to raise a blush, they have +not room enough in their cheeks to show it. To be sure, bashfulness is a very +pretty thing; but, in my mind, there is nothing on earth so impudent as an +everlasting blush. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +My taste, my taste!—Well, Lauretta is none of these. Ah! I never see her +but she put me in mind of my poor dear wife. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +[<i>Aside</i>.] Ay, faith; in my opinion she can’t do a worse thing. Now +he is going to bother me about an old hag that has been dead these six years. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Oh, poor Dolly! I never shall see her like again; such an arm for a +bandage—veins that seemed to invite the lancet. Then her skin, smoothe +and white as a gallipot; her mouth as large and not larger than the mouth of a +penny phial; her lips conserve of roses; and then her teeth—none of your +sturdy fixtures—ache as they would, it was but a small pull, and out they +came. I believe I have drawn half a score of her poor dear +pearls—[<i>weeps</i>]—But what avails her beauty? Death has no +consideration—one must die as well as another. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +[<i>Aside</i>.] Oh, if he begins to moralize—-[<i>Takes out his +snuff-box</i>.] +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Fair and ugly, crooked or straight, rich or poor—flesh is +grass—flowers fade! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Here, doctor, take a pinch, and keep up your spirits. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +True, true, my friend; grief can’t mend the matter—all’s for +the best; but such a woman was a great loss, lieutenant. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +To be sure, for doubtless she had mental accomplishments equal to her beauty. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Mental accomplishments! she would have stuffed an alligator, or pickled a +lizard, with any apothecaru’s wife in the kingdom. Why, she could +decipher a prescription, and invent the ingredients, almost as well as myself: +then she was such a hand at making foreign waters!—for Seltzer, Pyrmont, +Islington, or Chalybeate, she never had her equal; and her Bath and Bristol +springs exceeded the originals.—Ah, poor Dolly! she fell a martyr to her +own discoveries. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +How so, pray? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Poor soul! her illness was occasioned by her zeal in trying an improvement on +the Spa-water by an infusion of rum and acid. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Ay, ay, spirits never agree with water-drinkers. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +No, no, you mistake. Rum agreed with her well enough; it was not the rum that +killed the poor dear creature, for she died of a dropsy. Well, she is gone, +never to return, and has left no pledge of our loves behind. No little babe, to +hang like a label round papa’s neck. Well, well, we are all +mortal—sooner or later—flesh is grass— flowers fade. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +[<i>Aside</i>.] Oh, the devil!—again! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Life’s a shadow—the world a stage—we strut an hour. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Here, doctor. [<i>Offers snuff</i>.] +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +True, true, my friend: well, high grief can’t cure it. All’s for +the best, hey! my little Alexander? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Right, right; an apothecary should never be out of spirits. But come, faith, +’tis time honest Humphrey should wait on the justice; that must be our +first scheme. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +True, true; you should be ready: the clothes are at my house, and I have given +you such a character, that he is impatient to have you: he swears you shall be +his body-guard. Well, I honour the army, or I should never do so much to serve +you. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Indeed I am bound to you for ever, doctor; and when once I’m possessed of +my dear Lauretta, I will endeavour to make work for you as fast as possible. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Now you put me in mind of my poor wife again. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Ah, pray forget her a little: we shall be too late. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Poor Dolly! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +’Tis past twelve. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Inhuman dropsy! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +The justice will wait. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Cropped in her prime! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +For heaven’s sake, come! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Well, flesh is grass. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +O, the devil! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +We must all die— +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Doctor! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Kings, lords, and common whores— +</p> + +<p>[<i>Exeunt</i> LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR <i>forcing</i> Rosy <i>off</i>.] +</p> + +<h3>SCENE II.—<i>A Room in</i> JUSTICE CREDULOUS’ +<i>House</i>.</h3> + +<p><i>Enter</i> LAURETTA <i>and</i> MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +I repeat it again, mamma, officers are the prettiest men in the world, and +Lieutenant O’Connor is the prettiest officer I ever saw. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +For shame, Laura! how can you talk so?—or if you must have a military +man, there’s Lieutenant Plow, or Captain Haycock, or Major Dray, the +brewer, are all your admirers; and though they are peaceable, good kind of men, +they have as large cockades, and become scarlet, as well as the fighting folks. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Psha! you know, mamma, I hate militia officers; a set of dunghill cocks with +spurs on—heroes scratched off a church door— clowns in military +masquerade, wearing the dress without supporting the character. No, give me the +bold upright youth, who makes love to- day, and his head shot off to-morrow. +Dear! to think how the sweet fellows sleep on the ground, and fight in silk +stockings and lace ruffles. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oh, barbarous! to want a husband that may wed you to- day, and be sent the Lord +knows where before night; then in a twelvemonth perhaps to have him come like a +Colossus, with one leg at New York, and the other at Chelsea Hospital. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Then I’ll be his crutch, mamma. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +No, give me a husband that knows where his limbs are, though he want the use of +them:—and if he should take you with him, to sleep in a baggage-cart, and +stroll about the camp like a gipsy, with a knapsack and two children at your +back; then, by way of entertainment in the evening, to make a party with the +serjeant’s wife to drink bohea tea, and play at all-fours on a +drum-head:—’tis a precious life, to be sure! +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Nay, mamma, you shouldn’t be against my lieutenant, for I heard him say +you were the best natured and best looking woman in the world. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Why, child, I never said but that Lieutenant O’Connor was a very +well-bred and discerning young man; ’tis your papa is so violent against +him. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Why, Cousin Sophy married an officer. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, Laura, an officer of the militia. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +No, indeed, ma’am, a marching regiment. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +No, child, I tell you he was a major of militia. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Indeed, mamma, it wasn’t. +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Bridget, my love, I have had a message. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +It was cousin Sophy told me so. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I have had a message, love— +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +No, child, she would say no such thing. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +A message, I say. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +How could he be in the militia when he was ordered abroad? +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, girl, hold your tongue!—Well, my dear. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I have had a message from Doctor Rosy. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +He ordered abroad! He went abroad for his health. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Why, Bridget!— +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Well, deary.—Now hold your tongue, miss. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +A message from Dr. Rosy, and Dr. Rosy says— +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +I’m sure, mamma, his regimentals— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Damn his regimentals!—Why don’t you listen? +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, girl, how durst you interrupt your papa? +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Well, papa. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Dr. Rosy says he’ll bring— +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Were blue turned up with red, mamma. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Laury!—says he will bring the young man— +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Red! yellow, if you please, miss. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Bridget!—the young man that is to be hired— +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Besides, miss, it is very unbecoming in you to want to have the last word with +your mamma; you should know— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Why, zounds! will you hear me or no? +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +I am listening, my love, I am listening!—But what signifies my silence, +what good is my not speaking a word, if this girl will interrupt and let nobody +speak but herself?—Ay, I don’t wonder, my life, at your impatience; +your poor dear lips quiver to speak; but I suppose she’ll run on, and not +let you put in a word.— You may very well be angry; there is nothing, +sure, so provoking as a chattering, talking— +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Nay, I’m sure, mamma, it is you will not let papa speak now. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Why, you little provoking minx—— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Get out of the room directly, both of you—get out! +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, go, girl. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Go, Bridget, you are worse than she, you old hag. I wish you were both up to +the neck in the canal, to argue there till I took you out. +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> SERVANT. +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +Doctor Rosy, sir +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Show him up. [<i>Exit</i> SERVANT.] +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Then you own, mamma, it was a marching regiment? +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +You’re an obstinate fool, I tell you; for if that had been the +case—— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +You won’t go? +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +We are going, Mr. Surly.—If that had been the case, I say, how +could—— +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Nay, mamma, one proof—— +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +How could Major—— +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +And a full proof—— +</p> + +<p>[JUSTICE CREDULOUS <i>drives them off</i>.] +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +There they go, ding dong in for the day. Good lack! a fluent tongue is the only +thing a mother don’t like her daughter to resemble her in. +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> DOCTOR ROSY. +</p> + +<p>Well, doctor, where’s the lad—where’s Trusty? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +At hand; he’ll be here in a minute, I’ll answer for’t. +He’s such a one as you an’t met with,—brave as a lion, gentle +as a saline draught. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ah, he comes in the place of a rogue, a dog that was corrupted by the +lieutenant. But this is a sturdy fellow, is he, doctor? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +As Hercules; and the best back-sword in the country. Egad, he’ll make the +red coats keep their distance. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +O the villains; this is St. Patrick’s day, and the rascals have been +parading my house all the morning. I know they have a design upon me; but I +have taken all precautions: I have magazines of arms, and if this fellow does +but prove faithful, I shall be more at ease. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Doubtless he’ll be a comfort to you. +</p> + +<p><i>Re-enter</i> SERVANT. +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +There is a man below, inquires for Doctor Rosy. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Show him up. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Hold! a little caution—how does he look? +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +A country-looking fellow, your worship. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oh, well, well, for Doctor Rosy; these rascals try all ways to get in here. +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +Yes, please your worship; there was one here this morning wanted to speak to +you; he said his name was Corporal Breakbones. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Corporal Breakbones! +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +And Drummer Crackskull came again. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, did you ever hear of such a damned confounded crew? Well, show the lad in +here! [<i>Exit</i> SERVANT.] +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Ay, he’ll be your porter; he’ll give the rogues an answer. +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR, <i>disguised</i>. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +So, a tall—Efacks! what! has lost an eye? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Only a bruise he got in taking seven or eight highwaymen. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +He has a damned wicked leer somehow with the other. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Oh, no, he’s bashful—a sheepish look—— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Well, my lad, what’s your name? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Humphrey Hum. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Hum—I don’t like Hum! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +But I be mostly called honest Humphrey—— +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +There, I told you so, of noted honesty. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Well, honest Humphrey, the doctor has told you my terms, and you are willing to +serve, hey? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +And please your worship I shall be well content. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Well, then, hark’ye, honest Humphrey,—you are sure now, you will +never be a rogue—never take a bribe hey, honest Humphrey? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +A bribe! what’s that? +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +A very ignorant fellow indeed! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +His worship hopes you will not part with your honesty for money. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Noa, noa. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Well said, Humphrey—my chief business with you is to watch the motions of +a rake-helly fellow here, one Lieutenant O’Connor. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Ay, you don’t value the soldiers, do you, Humphrey? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Not I; they are but zwaggerers, and you’ll see theu’ll be as much +afraid of me as they would of their captain. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +And i’faith, Humphrey, you have a pretty cudgel there! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Ay, the zwitch is better than nothing, but I should be glad of a stouter: +ha’ you got such a thing in the house as an old coach-pole, or a spare +bed-post? +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oons, what a dragon it is!—Well, Humphrey, come with me.—I’ll +just show him to Bridget, doctor, and we’ll agree.—Come along, +honest Humphrey. [<i>Exit</i>.] +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +My dear doctor, now remember to bring the justice presently to the walk: I have +a scheme to get into his confidence at once. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +I will, I will. [<i>They shake hands</i>.] +</p> + +<p><i>Re-enter</i> JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Why, honest Humphrey, hey! what the devil are you at? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +I was just giving him a little advice.—Well I must go for the +present.—Good-morning to your worship—you need not fear the +lieutenant while he is in your house. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Well, get in, Humphrey. Good-morning to you, doctor.— [<i>Exit</i> DOCTOR +ROSY.] Come along, Humphrey.—Now I think I am a match for the lieutenant +and all his gang. [<i>Exeunt</i>.] +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2>ACT II.</h2> + +<h3>SCENE I.—<i>A Street</i>.</h3> + +<p><i>Enter</i> SERJEANT TROUNCE, DRUMMER <i>and</i> SOLDIERS. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Come, silence your drum—there is no valour stirring to-day. I thought +St. Patrick would have given us a recruit or two to- day. +</p> + +<p>SOLDIER.<br/> +Mark, serjeant! +</p> + +<p><i>Enter two</i> COUNTRYMEN. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Oh! these are the lads I was looking for; they have the look of +gentlemen.—An’t you single, my lads? +</p> + +<p>FIRST COUNTRYMAN.<br/> +Yes, an please you, I be quite single: my relations be all dead, thank heavens, +more or less. I have but one poor mother left in the world, and she’s an +helpless woman. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Indeed! a very extraordinary case—quite your own master then—the +fitter to serve his Majesty.—Can you read? +</p> + +<p>FIRST COUNTRYMAN.<br/> +Noa, I was always too lively to take to learning; but John here is main clever +at it. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +So, what you’re a scholar, friend? +</p> + +<p>SECOND COUNTRYMAN.<br/> +I was born so, measter. Feyther kept grammar-school. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Lucky man—in a campaign or two put yourself down chaplain to the +regiment. And I warrant you have read of warriors and heroes? +</p> + +<p>SECOND COUNTRYMAN.<br/> +Yes, that I have: I have read of Jack the Giant Killer, and the Dragon of +Wantly, and the—Noa, I believe that’s all in the hero way, except +once about a comet. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Wonderful knowledge!—Well, my heroes, I’ll write word to the king +of your good intentions, and meet me half an hour hence at the Two Magpies. +</p> + +<p>COUNTRYMAN.<br/> +We will, your honour, we will. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +But stay; for fear I shouldn’t see you again in the crowd, clap these +little bits of ribbon into your hats. +</p> + +<p>FIRST COUNTRYMAN.<br/> +Our hats are none of the best. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Well, meet me at the Magpies, and I’ll give you money to buy new ones. +</p> + +<p>COUNTRYMAN.<br/> +Bless your honour, thank your honour. [<i>Exeunt</i>.] +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +[<i>Winking at</i> SOLDIERS.] Jack! [<i>Exeunt</i> SOLDIERS.] +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +</p> + +<p>So, here comes one would make a grenadier—Stop, friend, will you list? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Who shall I serve under? +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Under me, to be sure. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Isn’t Lieutenant O’Connor your officer? +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +He is, and I am commander over him. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +What! be your serjeants greater than your captains? +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +To be sure we are; ’tis our business to keep them in order. For +instance, now, the general writes to me, dear Serjeant, or dear Trounce, or +dear Serjeant Trounce, according to his hurry, if your lieutenant does not +demean himself accordingly, let me know.— Yours, General Deluge. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +And do you complain of him often? +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +No, hang him, the lad is good-natured at the bottom, so I pass over small +things. But hark’ee, between ourselves, he is most confoundedly given to +wenching. +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> CORPORAL FLINT. +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Please your honour, the doctor is coming this way with his worship—We are +all ready, and have our cues. [<i>Exit</i>.] +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Then, my dear Trounce, or my dear Sergeant, or my dear Serjeant Trounce, take +yourself away. +</p> + +<p>SERJEANT TROUNCE.<br/> +Zounds! the lieutenant—I smell of the black hole already. [<i>Exit</i>.] +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> JUSTICE CREDULOUS <i>and</i> DOCTOR ROSY. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I thought I saw some of the cut-throats. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +I fancy not; there’s no one but honest Humphrey. Ha! Odds life, here +comes some of them—we’ll stay by these trees, and let them pass. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oh, the bloody-looking dogs! +</p> + +<p>[<i>Walks aside with</i> DOCTOR ROSY.] <i>Re-enter</i> CORPORAL FLINT <i>and +two</i> SOLDIERS. +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Halloa, friend! do you serve Justice Credulous? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +I do. +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Are you rich? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Noa. +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Nor ever will be with that old stingy booby. Look here— take it. +[<i>Gives him a purse</i>.] +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +What must I do for this? +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +Mark me, our lieutenant is in love with the old rogue’s daughter: help us +to break his worship’s bones, and carry off the girl, and you are a made +man. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +I’ll see you hanged first, you pack of skurry villains! [<i>Throws away +the purse</i>.] +</p> + +<p>CORPORAL FLINT.<br/> +What, sirrah, do you mutiny? Lay hold of him. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Nay, then, I’ll try your armour for you. [<i>Beats them</i>.] +</p> + +<p>ALL.<br/> +Oh! oh!—quarter! quarter! +</p> + +<p>[<i>Exeunt</i> CORPORAL FLINT <i>and</i> SOLDIERS.] +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +[<i>Coming forward</i>.] Trim them, trounce them, break their bones, honest +Humphrey—What a spirit he has! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Aquafortis. <i>O’Con</i>. Betray your master! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +What a miracle of fidelity! +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, and it shall not go unrewarded—I’ll give him sixpence on the +spot. Here, honest Humphrey, there’s for yourself: as for this bribe, +[<i>takes up the purse</i>,] such trash is best in the hands of justice. Now, +then, doctor, I think I may trust him to guard the women: while he is with them +I may go out with safety. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Doubtless you may—I’ll answer for the lieutenant’s behaviour +whilst honest Humphrey is with your daughter. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, ay, she shall go nowhere without him. Come along, honest Humphrey. How rare +it is to meet with such a servant! [<i>Exeunt</i>.] +</p> + +<h3>SCENE II.—<i>A Garden</i>.</h3> + +<p>LAURETTA <i>discovered. Enter</i> JUSTICE CREDULOUS <i>and</i> LIEUTENANT +O’CONNOR.<br/> +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Why, you little truant, how durst you wander so far from the house without my +leave? Do you want to invite that scoundrel lieutenant to scale the walls and +carry you off? +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Lud, papa, you are so apprehensive for nothing. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Why, hussy—— +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Well, then, I can’t bear to be shut up all day so like a nun. I am sure +it is enough to make one wish to be run away with—and I wish I was run +away with—I do—and I wish the lieutenant knew it. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +You do, do you, hussy? Well, I think I’ll take pretty good care of you. +Here, Humphrey, I leave this lady in your care. Now you may walk about the +garden, Miss Pert; but Humphrey shall go with you wherever you go. So mind, +honest Humphrey, I am obliged to go abroad for a little while; let no one but +yourself come near her; don’t be shame-faced, you booby, but keep close +to her. And now, miss, let your lieutenant or any of his crew come near you if +they can. [<i>Exit</i>.] +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +How this booby stares after him! [<i>Sits down and sings</i>.] +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Lauretta! +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Not so free, fellow! [<i>Sings</i>.] +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Lauretta! look on me. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Not so free, fellow! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +No recollection! +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Honest Humphrey, be quiet. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Have you forgot your faithful soldier? +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Ah! Oh preserve me! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +’Tis, my soul! your truest slave, passing on your father in this +disguise. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Well now, I declare this is charming—you are so disguised, my dear +lieutenant, and you look so delightfully ugly. I am sure no one will find you +out, ha! ha! ha!—You know I am under your protection; papa charged you to +keep close to me. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +True, my angel, and thus let me fulfil—— +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +O pray now, dear Humphrey—— +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Nay, ’tis but what old Mittimus commanded. [<i>Offers to kiss her</i>.] +</p> + +<p><i>Re-enter</i> JUSTICE CREDULOUS. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Laury, my—hey! what the devil’s here? +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Well now, one kiss, and be quiet. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Your very humble servant, honest Humphrey! Don’t let me— pray +don’t let me interrupt you! +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Lud, papa! Now that’s so good-natured—indeed there’s no harm. +You did not mean any rudeness, did you, Humphrey? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +No, indeed, miss; his worship knows it is not in me. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I know that you are a lying, canting, hypocritical scoundrel; and if you +don’t take yourself out of my sight—— +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Indeed, papa, now I’ll tell you how it was. I was sometime taken with a +sudden giddiness, and Humphrey seeing me beginning to totter, ran to my +assistance, quite frightened, poor fellow, and took me in his arms. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oh! was that all—nothing but a little giddiness, hey! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +That’s all, indeed, your worship; for seeing miss change colour, I ran up +instantly. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oh, ’twas very kind in you! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +And luckily recovered her. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +And who made you a doctor, you impudent rascal, hey? Get out of my sight, I +say, this instant, or by all the statutes— +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Oh now, papa, you frighten me, and I am giddy again!—Oh, help! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +O dear lady, she’ll fall! [<i>Takes her into his arms</i>.] +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Zounds! what before my face—why then, thou miracle of +impudence!—[<i>Lays hold of him and discovers him</i>.]—Mercy on +me, who have we here?—Murder! Robbery! Fire! Rape! Gunpowder! Soldiers! +John! Susan! Bridget! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Good sir, don’t be alarmed; I mean you no harm. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Thieves! Robbers! Soldiers! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +You know my love for your daughter— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Fire! Cut-throats! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +And that alone— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Treason! Gunpowder! +</p> + +<p><i>Enter a</i> SERVANT <i>with a blunderbuss</i>. +</p> + +<p>Now, scoundrel! let her go this instant. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +O papa, you’ll kill me! +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Honest Humphrey, be advised. Ay, miss, this way, if you please. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Nay, sir, but hear me—— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I’ll shoot. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +And you’ll be convinced—— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I’ll shoot. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +How injurious—— +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I’ll shoot—and so your very humble servant, honest Humphrey Hum. +[<i>Exeunt separately</i>.] +</p> + +<h3>SCENE III.—<i>A Walk</i>.</h3> + +<p><i>Enter</i> DOCTOR ROSY. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Well, I think my friend is now in a fair way of succeeding. Ah! I warrant he is +full of hope and fear, doubt and anxiety; truly he has the fever of love strong +upon him: faint, peevish, languishing all day, with burning, restless nights. +Ah! just my case when I pined for my poor dear Dolly! when she used to have her +daily colics, and her little doctor be sent for. Then would I interpret the +language of her pulse—declare my own sufferings in my receipt for +her—send her a pearl necklace in a pill-box, or a cordial draught with an +acrostic on the label. Well, those days are over: no happiness lasting: all is +vanity—now sunshine, now cloudy—we are, as it were, king and +beggar—then what avails—— +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +O doctor! ruined and undone. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +The pride of beauty—— +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +I am discovered, and—— +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +The gaudy palace—— +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +The justice is—— +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +The pompous wig—— +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Is more enraged than ever. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +The gilded cane—— +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Why, doctor! [<i>Slapping him on the shoulder</i>.] +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Hey! +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Confound your morals! I tell you I am discovered, discomfited, disappointed. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Indeed! Good lack, good lack, to think of the instability of human affairs! +Nothing certain in this world—most deceived when most +confident—fools of fortune all. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +My dear doctor, I want at present a little practical wisdom. I am resolved this +instant to try the scheme we were going to put into execution last week. I have +the letter ready, and only want your assistance to recover my ground. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +With all my heart—I’ll warrant you I’ll bear a part in it: +but how the deuce were you discovered? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +I’ll tell you as we go; there’s not a moment to be lost. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Heaven send we succeed better!—but there’s no knowing. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Very true. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +We may and we may not. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Right. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Time must show. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Certainly. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +We are but blind guessers. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Nothing more. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Thick-sighted mortals. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Remarkably. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Wandering in error. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Even so. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Futurity is dark. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +As a cellar. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Men are moles. +</p> + +<p>[<i>Exeunt</i> LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR <i>forcing out</i> ROSY.] +</p> + +<h3>SCENE IV.—<i>A Room in</i> JUSTICE CREDULOUS’ +<i>House</i>.</h3> + +<p><i>Enter</i> JUSTICE CREDULOUS <i>and</i> MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Odds life, Bridget, you are enough to make one mad! I tell you he would have +deceived a chief justice; the dog seemed as ignorant as my clerk, and talked of +honesty as if he had been a churchwarden. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Pho! nonsense, honesty!—what had you to do, pray, with honesty? A fine +business you have made of it with your Humphrey Hum: and miss, too, she must +have been privy to it. Lauretta! ay, you would have her called so; but for my +part I never knew any good come of giving girls these heathen Christian names: +if you had called her Deborrah, or Tabitha, or Ruth, or Rebecca, or Joan, +nothing of this had ever happened; but I always knew Lauretta was a runaway +name. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Psha, you’re a fool! +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +No, Mr. Credulous, it is you who are a fool, and no one but such a simpleton +would be so imposed on. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Why zounds, madam, how durst you talk so? If you have no respect for your +husband, I should think <i>unus quorum</i> might command a little deference. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Don’t tell me!—Unus fiddlestick! you ought to be ashamed to show +your face at the sessions: you’ll be a laughing-stock to the whole bench, +and a byword with all the pig-tailed lawyers and bag-wigged attorneys about +town. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Is this language for his majestu’s representative? By the statutes, +it’s high treason and petty treason, both at once! +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> SERVANT. +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +A letter for your worship. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Who brought it? +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +A soldier. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Take it away and burn it. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Stay!—Now you’re in such a hurry—it is some canting scrawl +from the lieutenant, I suppose.—[<i>Takes the letter.— Exit</i> +SERVANT.] Let me see:—ay, ’tis signed O’Connor. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Well, come read it out. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +[<i>Reads</i>.] <i>Revenge is sweet</i>. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +It begins so, does it? I’m glad of that; I’ll let the dog know +I’m of his opinion. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +[<i>Reads</i>.] <i>And though disappointed of my designs upon your daughter, I +have still the satisfaction of knowing I am revenged on her unnatural father; +for this morning, in your chocolate, I had the pleasure to administer to you a +dose of poison!</i>—Mercy on us! +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +No tricks, Bridget; come, you know it is not so; you know it is a lie. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Read it yourself. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +[<i>Reads</i>.] <i>Pleasure to administer a dose of poison</i>!—Oh, +horrible! Cut-throat villain!—Bridget! +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Lovee, stay, here’s a postscript.—[<i>Reads</i>.] <i>N.B. +’Tis not in the power of medicine to save you</i>. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Odds my life, Bridget! why don’t you call for help? I’ve lost my +voice.—My brain is giddy—I shall burst, and no assistance.— +John!—Laury!—John! +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +You see, lovee, what you have brought on yourself. +</p> + +<p><i>Re-enter</i> SERVANT. +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +Your worship! +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Stay, John; did you perceive anything in my chocolate cup this morning? +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +Nothing, your worship, unless it was a little grounds. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +What colour were they? +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +Blackish, your worship. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, arsenic, black arsenic!—Why don’t you run for Dr. Rosy, you +rascal? +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +Now, sir? +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oh, lovee, you may be sure it is in vain; let him run for the lawyer to witness +your will, my life. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Zounds! go for the doctor, you scoundrel. You are all confederate murderers. +</p> + +<p>SERVANT.<br/> +Oh, here he is, your worship. [<i>Exit</i>.] +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Now, Bridget, hold your tongue, and let me see if my horrid situation be +apparent. +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> DOCTOR ROSY. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +I have but just called to inform—hey! bless me, what’s the matter +with your worship? +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +There, he sees it already!—Poison in my face, in capitals! Yes, yes, +I’m a sure job for the undertakers indeed! +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oh! oh! alas, doctor! +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Peace, Bridget!—Why, doctor, my dear old friend, do you really see any +change in me? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Change! never was man so altered: how came these black spots on your nose? +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Spots on my nose! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +And that wild stare in your right eye! +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +In my right eye? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Ay, and, alack, alack, how you are swelled! +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Swelled! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Ay, don’t you think he is, madam? +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oh! ’tis in vain to conceal it!—Indeed, lovee, you are as big again +as you were this morning. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Yes, I feel it now—I’m poisoned!—Doctor, help me, for the +love of justice! Give me life to see my murderer hanged. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +What? +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I’m poisoned, I say! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Speak out! +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +What! can’t you hear me? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Your voice is so low and hollow, as it were, I can’t hear a word you say. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I’m gone then!—<i>Hic jacet</i>, many years one of his +majestu’s justices! +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Read, doctor!—Ah, lovee, the will!—Consider, my life, how soon you +will be dead. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +No, Bridget, I shall die by inches. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +I never heard such monstrous iniquity.—Oh, you are gone indeed, my +friend! the mortgage of your little bit of clay is out, and the sexton has +nothing to do but to close. We must all go, sooner or later—high and +low—Death’s a debt; his mandamus binds all alike—no bail, no +demurrer. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Silence, Dr. Croaker! will you cure me or will you not? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Alas! my dear friend, it is not in my power; but I’ll certainly see +justice done on your murderer. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I thank you, my dear friend, but I had rather see it myself. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Ay, but if you recover, the villain will escape. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Will he? then indeed it would be a pity you should recover. I am so enraged +against the villain, I can’t bear the thought of his escaping the halter. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +That’s very kind in you, my dear; but if it’s the same thing to +you, my dear, I had as soon recover, notwithstanding.—What, doctor, no +assistance! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Efacks, I can do nothing, but there’s the German quack, whom you wanted +to send from town; I met him at the next door, and I know he has antidotes for +all poisons. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Fetch him, my dear friend, fetch him! I’ll get him a diploma if he cures +me. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Well, there’s no time to be lost; you continue to swell immensely. +[<i>Exit</i>.] +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +What, my dear, will you submit to be cured by a quack nostrum-monger? For my +part, as much as I love you, I had rather follow you to your grave than see you +owe your life to any but a regular-bred physician. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I’m sensible of your affection, dearest; and be assured nothing consoles +me in my melancholy situation so much as the thoughts of leaving you behind. +</p> + +<p><i>Re-enter</i> DOCTOR ROSY, <i>with</i> LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR +<i>disguised</i>. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Great luck; met him passing by the door. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Metto dowsei pulsum. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +He desires me to feel your pulse. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Can’t he speak English? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Not a word. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Palio vivem mortem soonem. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +He says you have not six hours to live. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +O mercy! does he know my distemper? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +I believe not. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Tell him ’tis black arsenic they have given me. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Geneable illi arsnecca. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Pisonatus. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +What does he say? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +He says you are poisoned. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +We know that; but what will be the effect? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Quid effectum? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Diable tutellum. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +He says you’ll die presently. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Oh, horrible! What, no antidote? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Curum benakere bono fullum. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +What, does he say I must row in a boat to Fulham? +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +He says he’ll undertake to cure you for three thousand pounds. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Three thousand pounds! three thousand halters!—No, lovee, you shall never +submit to such impositions; die at once, and be a customer to none of them. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +I won’t die, Bridget—I don’t like death. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Psha! there is nothing in it: a moment, and it is over. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, but it leaves a numbness behind that lasts a plaguy long time. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +O my dear, pray consider the will. +</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> LAURETTA. +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +O my father, what is this I hear? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Quiddam seomriam deos tollam rosam. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +The doctor is astonished at the sight of your fair daughter. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +How so? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Damsellum livivum suvum rislibani. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +He says that he has lost his heart to her, and that if you will give him leave +to pay his addresses to the young lady, and promise your consent to the union, +if he should gain her affections, he will, on those conditions, cure you +instantly, without fee or reward. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +The devil! did he say all that in so few words? What a fine language it is! +Well, I agree, if he can prevail on the girl.— [<i>Aside</i>.] And that I +am sure he never will. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Greal. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Writhum bothum. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +He says you must give this under your hand, while he writes you a miraculous +receipt. [<i>Both sit down to write</i>.] +</p> + +<p>LAURETTA.<br/> +Do, mamma, tell me the meaning of this. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Don’t speak to me, girl.—Unnatural parent! +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +There, doctor; there’s what he requires. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +And here’s your receipt: read it yourself. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Hey! what’s here? plain English! +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Read it out; a wondrous nostrum, I’ll answer for it. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +[<i>Reads</i>.] <i>In reading this you are cured, by your affectionate +son-in-law,</i> O’CONNOR.—Who in the name of Beelzebub, sirrah, who +are you? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Your affectionate son-in-law, O’Connor, and your very humble servant, +Humphrey Hum. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +’Tis false, you dog! you are not my son-in-law; for I’ll be +poisoned again, and you shall be hanged.—I’ll die, sirrah, and +leave Bridget my estate. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Ay, pray do, my dear, leave me your estate; I’m sure he deserves to be +hanged. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +He does, you say!—Hark’ee, Bridget, you showed such a tender +concern for me when you thought me poisoned, that, for the future, I am +resolved never to take your advice again in anything.— [<i>To</i> +LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR] So, do you hear, sir, you are an Irishman and a +soldier, ain’t you? +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +I am sir, and proud of both. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +The two things on earth I most hate; so I tell you what— renounce your +country and sell your commission, and I’ll forgive you. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Hark’ee, Mr. Justice—if you were not the father of my Lauretta, I +would pull your nose for asking the first, and break your bones for desiring +the second. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +Ay, ay, you’re right. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Is he? then I’m sure I must be wrong.—Here, sir, I give my daughter +to you, who are the most impudent dog I ever saw in my life. +</p> + +<p>LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.<br/> +Oh, sir, say what you please; with such a gift as Lauretta, every word is a +compliment. +</p> + +<p>MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.<br/> +Well, my lovee, I think this will be a good subject for us to quarrel about the +rest of our lives. +</p> + +<p>JUSTICE CREDULOUS.<br/> +Why, truly, my dear,—I think so, though we are seldom at a loss for that. +</p> + +<p>DR. ROSY.<br/> +This is all as it should be.—My Alexander, I give you joy, and you, my +little god-daughter; and now my sincere wish is, that you may make just such a +wife as my poor dear Dolly. [<i>Exeunt omnes</i>.] +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of St. Patrick’s Day, by Richard Brinsley Sheridan + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ST. 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