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diff --git a/old/67472-0.txt b/old/67472-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 2100463..0000000 --- a/old/67472-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,8936 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of How to Pick a Mate, by Clifford Rose -Adams - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: How to Pick a Mate - The Guide to a Happy Marriage - -Authors: Clifford Rose Adams - Vance O. Packard - -Release Date: February 22, 2022 [eBook #67472] - -Language: English - -Produced by: hekula03, Tim Lindell and the Online Distributed - Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This book was - produced from images made available by the HathiTrust - Digital Library.) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HOW TO PICK A MATE *** - - - - - -=TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE= - - - The tables in this book are best viewed using a monospace font. - - - - -_How to Pick a Mate_ - - - - - HOW TO - PICK A MATE - - _THE GUIDE - TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE_ - - BY - DR. CLIFFORD R. ADAMS - - _Associate Professor of Psychology and Director of the Marriage - Counseling Service, Pennsylvania State College. Member of the - American Association of Marriage Counselors. Director of the - Woman’s Home Companion Marriage Clinic._ - - AND - - VANCE O. PACKARD - - _Staff Writer, The American Magazine_ - - - NEW YORK - E. P. DUTTON & COMPANY, INC. - 1946 - - - - - _Copyright, 1946, by E. P. Dutton & Co., Inc._ - - _All rights reserved. Printed in the U.S.A._ - - - FIRST EDITION - - - NO PART of this book may be reproduced in any form without - permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer - who wishes to quote brief passages in connection with a review - written for inclusion in magazine or newspaper or radio broadcast. - - - - - _To_ - - OUR TWO DAUGHTERS - - _and_ - - OUR TWO SONS - - _Who Have Yet to Pick Their Mates_ - - - - -Contents - - - PAGE - - LIST OF TESTS 9 - - FOREWORD 11 - - CHAPTER - - I. WHY MARRY, ANYHOW? 15 - - II. YOUR CHANCES OF GETTING A MATE YOU’LL LIKE 23 - - III. ARE YOU READY FOR MARRIED LOVE? 38 - - IV. IS IT LOVE--OR INFATUATION? 47 - - V. GROWING UP SEXUALLY 55 - - VI. SEX ADVENTURING 63 - - VII. DO YOU FRIGHTEN POSSIBLE MATES AWAY? 74 - - VIII. ATTRACTING THE ONE YOU WANT 83 - - IX. IS THE ONE YOU WANT THE ONE YOU NEED? 91 - - X. CRUCIAL TRAITS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE 98 - - XI. TEST YOUR MATE AND YOURSELF 107 - - XII. NOW, SEE HOW YOU MATCH AS A COUPLE! 124 - - XIII. BEWARE OF MIXED MARRIAGES 139 - - XIV. NINE DANGEROUS CHARACTERS 146 - - XV. PEOPLE WHO SHOULD NOT MARRY AT ALL 156 - - XVI. WILL A JOB UNDERMINE YOUR MARRIAGE? 165 - - XVII. THE VETERAN AS A MATE 174 - - XVIII. SO YOU AGREE TO MARRY: WHAT NEXT? 183 - - XIX. GETTING READY FOR MARRIED INTIMACY 189 - - XX. GETTING OFF TO A GOOD START 195 - - AFTER THOUGHTS 204 - - APPENDIX A: SELECTED BIBLIOGRAPHY 206 - - APPENDIX B: MARRIAGE COUNSELING AGENCIES 211 - - INDEX 213 - - - - -List of Tests - - - CHAPTER PAGE - - II. 1. _What Is Your Expectancy of Marriage?_ 35 - - III. 2. _Are You Old Enough to Marry?_ 44 - - III. 3. _Are You Grown Up Emotionally?_ 44 - - IV. 4. _Are You Really in Love?_ 52 - - VI. 5. _Are You Warm or Cool by Nature?_ 72 - - VII. 6. _Do You Have a Negative or Positive Personality?_ 81 - - VIII. 7. _What Traits to Look for in Mates (check list)_ 87 - - X. 8. _Ten Basic Background Questions_ 100 - - XI. 9. _Sociability_ 107 - - XI. 10. _Conformity_ 108 - - XI. 11. _Tranquillity_ 109 - - XI. 12. _Dependability_ 110 - - XI. 13. _Stability_ 111 - - XI. 14. _Standards and Ideals_ 112 - - XI. 15. _Steadiness_ 113 - - XI. 16. _Flexibility_ 114 - - XI. 17. _Seriousness_ 114 - - XI. 18. _Family Background_ 115 - - XI. 19. _Prediction of Individual Marital Happiness - (Composite)_ 116 - - XII. 20. _Do You Match?_ 127 - - XII. 21. _Are You Well Mated?_ 136 - - XIV. 22. _Are You Too Jealous?_ 154 - - XV. 23. _Is the Mate a Neurotic?_ 163 - - _Appendix A. Books You May Wish to Read_ 206 - - _Appendix B. Marriage Counseling Agencies_ 211 - - - - -Foreword - - -As far as we know this is the first time anyone has written a book -attempting to put mate selection on a sensible basis, despite the -fact that sooner or later almost everybody selects one. - -A good many people resent the idea of an outsider telling _them_ -how they should pick a mate. They think it smacks of meddling. -Marriage is something sacred and personal. It should not be done -according to rules. We heartily sympathize. - -Unfortunately, however, marriages are _not_ made in Heaven. Usually -people marry by hunch or impulse ... or because their parents think -it is a good match ... or because they get themselves so deeply -involved romantically that marrying seems the only proper thing to -do. - -Too frequently such methods merely mess up a couple of people’s -lives. More than a third of all the millions of marriages -undertaken in the last ten years are in trouble. Many are already -dissolved. Many more soon will be. - -A great deal of research and counseling has now been done in the -field of marriage, and the findings validated. At Penn State, for -example, hundreds of couples who were tested before marriage at the -Marriage Counseling Service are checked periodically after marriage -to find how they are making out. Of all the marriages which the -service predicted would be successful, not one has yet ended in -divorce or separation. Most of the people who went ahead despite -the clinic’s cautions are already in serious trouble or have been -divorced. - -As a result of many such investigations, reliable information is -available on the kinds of people who make the best mates, and on -the causes of marriage success and failure. - -In this book we have tried to include those findings which should -be most helpful and interesting to all people involved in love or -marriage--but particularly to people who sooner or later will be -taking unto themselves a mate. It is not our intention to lay down -a set of rules for people to follow. But we hope that after reading -this book you will be more enlightened in your hunches than you -might be otherwise, and be a much happier and more desirable mate -yourself! - - - - -_How to Pick a Mate_ - - - - -_Chapter I_ - -Why Marry, Anyhow? - - -Mating is as old as Eve. In fact it is the oldest and most popular -custom ever devised by mankind. Even in the most isolated tribes -that explorers have uncovered on this globe adult males pair up -with females to live together as man and wife. - -In many areas of the world, it is true, marriages are still -arranged by the elders, often at a neat financial profit to the -bride’s parents. Freedom of choice in mating is a newfangled idea. -And in Madagascar the groom is warned at the wedding that he can -beat the bride all he pleases, but if he breaks any bones or gouges -any eyes she has a perfect right to go home to mother. Yet even -there mating is popular. - -Though marriage is the most universal institution known to man -increasing numbers of Americans are shunning it by divorce or -otherwise. About ten per cent of our marriageable men have become -unbudgeable bachelors. The number of women who are choosing careers -to marriage is soaring. Moreover there are 1,500,000 men and women -in America who tried marriage and are now living apart in divorce. -Many others were divorced, then remarried. - -Thus “Why marry, anyhow?” is today a fair question. So let’s face -right at the start the main reasons why people do not marry, or -stay married. - -Many people do not marry because they don’t relish the idea of -giving up their freedom, their independence. Some men do not like -the idea of being “saddled” with family responsibilities and -being “tied down” to one woman. Likewise, some women have become -so accustomed to living alone--and are so reluctant to give up -careers--that they hesitate to give up their independence, until it -is too late. - -Many other girls and men do not marry because they are too -particular. Often they have a “phantasy ideal” of the mate they -want and can’t find such an interested party in real life. Girls -for example often sigh that they want a man “tall, dark and -handsome--and graying at the temples.” Without realizing it at -least a quarter of all girls yearn for a man who looks like their -own father. And a quarter of the men pick someone who looks vaguely -like their own mother. - -There are still other people who don’t marry because they lack -a decent opportunity. Girls who choose nursing as a career, for -example, cut their marriage prospects at least fifty per cent. It -is much the same for librarians and social workers. In fact a girl -can reduce her chances of marriage merely by going to a girls’ -college. - -Then there is a large group who do not marry because they have -been disappointed in love--perhaps an early love affair ended in -disappointment or grief. It produced a psychological scar that -prevented the person from achieving happiness through marriage -with anyone else. The death of Ann Rutledge shook Abraham Lincoln -so profoundly that though he finally married years later, for -appearances’ sake, he was a miserable husband. A boy who imagines -himself passionately in love and then is jilted by a girl who -doesn’t even let him down gently may lose faith and crawl into a -psychological shell in his relations with other women. - -One college girl became enamored, during her sophomore year, of -a prominent man-about-campus. She came from a fine Philadelphia -family and was an attractive, sincere girl. But she was very -naïve. This man began rushing her. He took her to parties at his -fraternity, took her for several moonlight rides in his roadster, -and told her she was the girl he had always dreamed of. Within -three weeks she had lost her virginity. In a few more weeks he -had lost interest and was off to make new conquests, and she came -to the sickening realization that he had merely been exploiting -her love for physical pleasure. Disillusioned, she had to change -colleges to keep from facing her friends. She did not tell this -story to the counselors at the Penn State Marriage Counseling -Service (“Compatibility Clinic”) until two years later. During -those two years she had been so crushed and full of bitterness that -she had not let another man touch or even kiss her. - -Occasionally men and women do not marry because they have family -responsibilities--perhaps a widowed mother or younger orphaned -brothers and sisters--which make them feel they can’t afford, or -have no right, to take on a mate. - -Still others have physical handicaps. There are some handicaps, -of course, that are severe enough to be a real handicap, like the -loss of both arms, but more often the handicaps are not serious -in themselves. They are serious because the possessor magnifies -them in his mind and begins feeling inadequate and inferior. The -same applies to a person who thinks he is ugly. Irregular facial -features in themselves are never a serious handicap if their -possessor has self-confidence and a pleasant personality. - -The main reason why people do not marry, however, is that they have -an unhealthy attitude which makes it virtually impossible for them -to adjust themselves happily to thoughts of marriage. They are full -of fears about the obligations that marriage may bring. - -Some are too selfish or too egocentric to be able to compromise; -and in marriage as in any partnership the partners must be able to -sacrifice their private desires for the common cause. Marriage is -no place for prima donnas. - -Other poorly adjusted persons are incapable of accepting the many -responsibilities that go with marriage. Perhaps their mother or -father tied them down so closely as a child that they never had -a chance to develop their own feeling of self-sufficiency and -independence. There are parents who cannot turn their children -loose. They object to dating until the youngsters have become so -old that learning to get along with the other sex is difficult. - -Such children have a fixation for the parents and cannot see -another person entering the picture as a possible substitute or -replacement. This is called the Oedipus complex and it is no -bogey dreamed up by psychologists. A boy may not marry because -he is still jealously in “love” with his own mother. A girl may -not marry because she is in “love” with her father. This kind of -fixation is made more acute when the parent is selfish or lonely -and builds a network around the child which makes escape impossible. - -There are some people who are suspicious or jealous by nature. -Their emotional instability usually frightens away prospective -mates. - -Many other people, particularly girls, have an unhealthy attitude -toward marriage because they are frightened by the physical -intimacies that go with marriage. A 29-year-old wife who had been -married four years confessed recently that she dreaded the thought -of physical intimacy with her husband. She had moved to another -room and was in a rebellious mood. This wife unconsciously revealed -a clue to her coldness when she related remarks her mother had made -to her during girlhood. The mother had talked of her own agonies -during the girl’s birth and had told how the process had injured -her internally. The mother had talked of physical intimacy as one -of the burdens a wife has to bear. One night, when the girl had -been thus conditioned, a date stopped his car on a side road and -tried to caress her. She was terrified. Now, twelve years later and -formally married, she was still on guard. - -The war gave many young people an unhealthy attitude toward -marriage. A desire for a “last fling” impelled many of them -to promiscuous behavior that has left them with psychological -scars. Some men saw so many “loose” women near their stations and -embarkation ports (and frequently had affairs themselves with such -women) that their attitude toward all women was cheapened. Other -young people--both male and female--were separated so long from -contact with the opposite sex that they developed--or feared they -had developed--unnatural feelings toward members of the same sex; -or thought they lost the knack of making themselves seem attractive -to girls or men, whichever the opposite may be. - -A good many veterans saw so much of war and its destruction that -they became cynical of human life and pessimistic about the future. -This put them in an extremely poor mood to think of mating. - -Yet to millions of other veterans war made marriage seem terribly -attractive. After leading a shifting existence where nothing seemed -real or permanent, the lasting, unchanging things in life appeared -more significant than ever before. Marriage, ideally, is one of the -most permanent things in life. It gives a person a chance to sink -roots. - -This brings us to the other side of the picture: why people _do_ -marry. There are thirty million married couples in America today, -and they didn’t get married just because it is the customary thing -to do. - -Marriage _must_ have something to offer. If you doubt it consider -these facts: - - --Married people normally live longer than single people. - According to the Metropolitan Life Insurance Company report - of 1937, twice as many single men from thirty to forty-five - die as married men in the same age bracket. For women between - thirty and sixty-five the married women have a ten per cent - advantage over the single women. Twice as many widowers die - as do men who remain married. - - --Fewer married people go to jail than single people. - - --Fewer go crazy. - - --Fewer commit suicide. - -These facts would certainly indicate that married people are -happier, better adjusted persons than unmarried persons, despite -all the tales about henpecked husbands and browbeaten wives. - -Then there are some very practical, hard-boiled reasons why it pays -to marry. - -For one thing it is cheaper for two people to live together than to -live separately. It costs only two-thirds as much. - -By marrying, a man becomes a better employment risk. Married men -usually are regarded as more steady, more trustworthy employees -than single men. This is logical. Marriage exerts a stabilizing -influence on most men. An employer can assume that since a -married man has taken on the responsibilities of a family he -is a better risk than a man who has shown no ability to assume -responsibilities. Another point is that the married man is less apt -to leave a good job than a single man. - -Furthermore a married person is regarded more favorably socially -than a bachelor or spinster. This is not just a “ganging up” -of spouses against anyone not similarly coupled, though that -may be a factor. It’s a fact that there is a greater feeling of -belongingness to the community for the married person than for the -bachelor or spinster. A married man is better able to entertain -acquaintances in his own home. And right or wrong most people -feel there is something a bit unnatural about an adult remaining -unmarried. Psychiatrists agree that except in exceptional cases -women who live alone will become neurotic and frustrated. Living -alone is an abnormal state for a woman. (She overcomes this -hazard only by accepting her fate realistically and setting out -intelligently to find enrichment and satisfaction in life.) - -Married people are less lonely than single people because they have -someone with whom to share life’s dull as well as exciting moments -and to share their problems and hopes and ambitions. - -Also married couples who raise families frequently have an -insurance against old age--the knowledge that in their growing -children there will be someone to take care of them if necessary. - -Life is also more comfortable if you are married than if single, at -least for a man. It provides him with home cooking in his own home -and someone to keep his socks in order. - -A basic argument for marriage is that it offers a logical division -of labor. Imagine how much more complicated and inconvenient -life would be if men had to do their own cooking and sewing, and -women--all women--had to compete with men for a livelihood! - -Finally marriage offers a legalized way to achieve sexual -satisfaction. Men and women can receive relief from their bodily -tensions without the terrible feelings of guilt, anxiety and -remorse that often accompany unmarried love. That’s something. -Modern psychology recognizes that sexual satisfaction is more -than a physiological process of reproducing one’s kind. It is a -psychologically satisfying activity and releases many nervous -tensions as well as tensions brought about by hormonal or glandular -needs. - -Those then are the obvious, practical reasons why marriage is so -universally popular. But beyond those are some important but less -understood cravings which marriage satisfies. - - --Beyond the desire for sex satisfaction, for example, is - the yearning of both men and women to share the love and - affection of somebody of the opposite sex, someone who takes - a genuine interest in them. This sometimes is called a need - for sexually colored companionship. This is why married - people don’t feel the need to run around to shows and parties - the way single people do. They have their own companionship - within the family. Mark Twain, in his amusing “Extracts from - Adam’s Diary” showed the bond created by such companionship - when he quoted Adam as reminiscing: - - “At first I thought Eve talked too much but ... after all - these years I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the - beginning. It is better to live outside the Garden with her - than inside it without her.... Wheresoever she is, there is - Eden.” - - --A desire for mastery on the part of most men and a desire - to be led on the part of most women is another psychological - motive that is satisfied by marriage. It is the thrill of - mastery that causes a youth to careen dangerously down the - highway at eighty miles an hour or to ride a horse at a - break-neck gallop. - - --There is a desire for pride that is satisfied by saying “my - husband,” or “my wife,” or “my oldest kid.” - - --There is a desire for security, a need both real and - psychological, that afflicts all of us. We all like to know - that there is someone who will look after us when we are - sick, someone to comfort us when we are grieved, someone to - help us when we are weary. Women particularly feel this need - for security. In fact some observers who work a great deal - in testing the reactions of women to the problems of life - say that in women this yearning for security overshadows - everything else. Women feel the need for security so much - more keenly because, if nothing else, they are the “weaker” - sex. They are more dependent on men for their livelihood. - -Our returning veterans feel an intense need for another kind of -security which marriage can give. After years of uncertainty, -shifting, and tearing down of life and property they desperately -want to get a hold on something permanent, and to many of them -marriage looks like the very best way to do it. - - --For much the same reasons veterans want to raise families. - After so much destruction they want to build, they want to - create life, life bearing their own likeness, life that will - continue after they are gone. Watching and guiding one’s own - children while they grow up is one of the greatest pleasures - of marriage. A couple who deliberately abstains from having - children is a selfish couple. Surveys show they mostly do - it out of selfishness, the desire of the wife for a career - or “dislike for children.” These reasons are those we would - expect from maladjusted people. Certainly by voluntarily - remaining childless they miss one of the greatest chances to - achieve a happy marriage. - - By achieving a happy marriage and having children many people - make up for the frustrations and disappointments they have - received from life, their dissatisfaction with their job and - their own childhood. Children bring them compensation for - their own failures. - - --Finally, marriage enables two people to work together - in setting up common goals and--by dreaming, planning, - struggling--to achieve those goals. Perhaps the goal is - to build a home or take a vacation trip to South America - together or to put a son through college. The specific goals - are not important. The enrichment comes from the two people’s - merging their hopes and efforts toward one mutually-desired - goal. - - Getting married is one of the biggest steps a person takes in - life. In fact, for most people life boils down to coping with - three big problems: - - --Learning to get along with people. - - --Choosing a career and succeeding in it. - - --Picking a mate and living happily thereafter. - -The three are interdependent. Marriage counselors have noticed the -significant fact that the individual who makes friends readily, -who likes his work and is successful in it, is also the person who -tends to choose an excellent mate for himself and work out with -that mate a happy marriage. - - - - -_Chapter II_ - -Your Chances of Getting a Mate You’ll Like - - -First, you might ask, what are your chances of getting a mate of -any kind? If you are a man, and are interested, you can be almost -one hundred per cent certain you will marry. More than ten per cent -of the eligible men today won’t marry, but that will largely be due -to the fact that they prefer to remain bachelors. - -If you are a girl the chances that you will marry are not quite as -good. At the start of the war about thirteen per cent of the girls -were failing to marry. The prospect now is that for several years -after the war about fourteen or fifteen per cent will fail. It will -be a good market for men. - -Girls in some age brackets will be hit harder than others, and -we sympathize with the girls past twenty-five who feel they were -passing the peak of the eligibility curve for marriage while many -of the best male prospects were still away in the armed forces. -These girls have cause for concern. The surplus of grown women over -men--which is something new in our population--has been increased -by war casualties. And the number of men who prefer bachelorhood -is apt to increase from ten per cent at present to perhaps fifteen -per cent because the older a single man becomes the less he thinks -about marriage. This war has created a great many “old” single men. - -It is estimated that between two million and five million of the -marriageable women in America today will never marry. Sociologists -are already worrying about this “lost generation” of our women -between twenty and thirty-five, with those in their late twenties -presumably hit the hardest. - -You may ask when a girl reaches the peak of her eligibility -for marriage. In normal years the peak is between nineteen and -twenty-one, and the curve declines markedly after the twenty-fifth -birthday. Here are the chances for men and women to marry by -certain ages: - - -CHANCES OF WHITE MALES AND WHITE FEMALES BEING MARRIED BY VARIOUS -AGES (1940 CENSUS) - - CHANCES OF CHANCES OF CHANCES OF MARRYING AT SOME - BY AGE BEING MARRIED BEING MARRIED PARTICULAR YEAR OF AGE - ----------------------------------------------------------------- - Men Women Men Women - - 14 1 in 1000 3 in 1000 1 in 1000 3 in 1000 - 15 2 ” 12 ” 1 ” 9 ” - 16 3 ” 39 ” 1 ” 27 ” - 17 7 ” 90 ” 4 ” 51 ” - 18 21 ” 177 ” 14 ” 87 ” - 19 54 ” 270 ” 33 ” 93 ” - 20 109 ” 372 ” 55 ” 102 ” - 21 190 ” 456 ” 81 ” 84 ” - 22 272 ” 538 ” 82 ” 82 ” - 23 371 ” 613 ” 99 ” 75 ” - 24 457 ” 671 ” 86 ” 58 ” - 25 531 ” 714 ” 74 ” 43 ” - 26 592 ” 749 ” 61 ” 35 ” - 27 650 ” 780 ” 58 ” 31 ” - 28 694 ” 799 ” 44 ” 19 ” - 29 738 ” 823 ” 44 ” 24 ” - 30 748 ” 822 ” 10 ” 1 ” - 31 790 ” 853 ” 42 ” 30 ” - 32 791 ” 853 ” 1 ” 1 ” - 33 814 ” 870 ” 23 ” 17 ” - 34 828 ” 874 ” 14 ” 4 ” - ----------------------------------------------------------------- - -The odds for men show that only about one in ten marries before -he is twenty-one; one in three marry at ages twenty-one to -twenty-five; about three to ten marry between twenty-five and -thirty, and about one in ten marries between thirty and thirty-five. - -A factor unfavorable to the older girls, past twenty-five, is that -as men become older they tend to marry increasingly younger girls. -Normally, for example, a man of twenty-five will marry a girl of -twenty-two, whereas a man of thirty-one will probably marry a girl -of twenty-five. That’s why girls in the present twenty-five to -thirty-five group may be hardest hit by the war. One encouraging -possibility, however, is that veterans are looking for more wisdom -and maturity in their brides than civilians of the same age usually -do. There have been a good many reports of veterans marrying girls -five and ten years their senior. - -Idealistically, the best age for a girl to marry is from twenty-one -to twenty-seven, and for a man from twenty-five to thirty. - -Of all women who do marry, about fifty-six per cent are married -by their twenty-fifth birthday, about eighty-four per cent by -their thirtieth birthday and about ninety-five per cent by their -thirty-fifth birthday. After thirty-five a woman has to get busy if -she wants to marry! - -Thirty-five is when an unmarried woman can no longer consider -herself a “young maid.” - -The marriage prospects for girls today would not be quite so -unfavorable if our men would all seek mates. As it is, with from -ten to fifteen per cent preferring to remain single, at least -a million girls will not have an opportunity to marry. As far -as we can gather the reason behind this masculine perversity is -that boys, unlike girls, are not indoctrinated with the idea that -marriage should be one of their big goals in life. - -But why, you may ask, are there more eligible girls than men in -America? The imbalance caused by the war is not the only reason. -Here are some other reasons for the shortage of males that looms: - - --Men die younger than women. The “weaker sex” is actually - the tougher sex when it comes to reaching a ripe old age. - - --Our male surplus of immigrants has been about used up. - Immigration is a form of pioneering and has been considered - primarily a task of man. When the flow of immigrants was - heavy it accounted for many thousands of our male surplus. - Now the flow has dwindled to a trickle. - - --America is no longer a “young” nation. And of course the - older our population becomes, the more feminine it becomes - for the reasons mentioned above. There are still more boy - babies born in America than girl babies (about 105 boys per - hundred girls) but because the males die faster--both by - natural causes and by accidents--the males slip into the - minority now after the age of twenty-five. - -War affects marriage in very peculiar ways. During the initial -phase of World War II, marriages increased at a spectacular rate. -This probably was due to the increasing prosperity (prosperity -increases both marriages and divorces!) and by the psychological -incentives to mate as a result of war. These include not only the -impulses to elude the draft, but the yearning of a boy to keep some -visible contact with home and the yearning of the girl to have some -concrete commitment from a man when so many of them were leaving -the community to go to war. - -By 1942, 1,800,000 marriages took place in the country, the highest -number in history. Then the rate started dropping off as men became -more scarce, so that by 1944 the number of marriages was only -1,440,000. In 1945 the trend was changing. Judging from events -after World War I, the postwar years will see a spurt in marriages -that may take the rate to nearly two million a year for a couple of -years. But that won’t change the fact that a good many girls still -will not have a chance to marry. - -But even if you do marry, what are the chances you will get a mate -you like? - -The answer depends a great deal on who you are. We can assure you -that such mates will not come automatically. Right now there are at -least a million married couples who are waiting to get a divorce. -Millions of other couples tolerate each other but are not happy by -any standards we could apply to them. - -Many of the unsuccessful matches were “war marriages” hastily made. -A study made after the first war, of marriages hastily contracted -from 1916 to 1920 show that those marriages were less happy for -both men and women than those contracted before the war. Another -study showed that the marriages undertaken immediately after men -came back from World War I were not--on an average--as happy as -they would have been normally. The same will be true for many of -the hurriedly contracted marriages in 1946 and 1947. - -These studies substantiate the fact that much greater likelihood -of mismating exists when marriages are hastily contracted, and -especially when contracted at a time of high emotional excitement. - -As this book is written one marriage in five is ending in -divorce--and as we get further into the postwar years the rate will -probably rise to at least one failure in every four marriages. -Furthermore, if the long-range trends continue the divorce rate -will be one divorce for every two marriages by 1975! Hollywood -stars, and physicians in some states, are already close to that -rate. That’s pretty depressing to contemplate when you consider -that fifteen years ago the rate was one failure in fourteen -marriages. - -Perhaps the one encouraging aspect of the growing male shortage -is that it may slow down the divorce rate. Divorces occur most -frequently when men are plentiful. When men are scarce women tend -to hang on to what they have and need to be provoked before they -will fly off to Reno. - -Why is the divorce rate rising at such an ominous rate? Admittedly -there are deeper reasons than the war for the trend. Civilization, -in becoming more complex, puts greater strains and stresses on -marriage. Unhappy married couples are not held together as much as -they used to be by fears inspired by hell-and-damnation religion. -Our movies and soap operas present marriage in a fantastically -unreal light. Finally, it seems that our standards for marriage -happiness are now so low that people assume a couple is happy as -long as the husband doesn’t beat his wife openly. - -You may be interested to know that all the trends indicate that -more divorced men remarry than do divorced women. In spite of the -fact that each divorce separates a couple, in 1940 there were twice -as many feminine divorcees who had not remarried as there were -unmarried male divorces. The records also disclose the interesting -fact that only about ten per cent of the women getting divorces ask -alimony, and that only six per cent get it. - -Your chances of getting a mate you will like are even affected -by your sex. If you are a girl your chances are not as good as -if you were a man. This is largely due to the fact that a girl -cannot gracefully take the initiative in stalking a mate who looks -attractive to her. Women enjoy being pursued, but men still don’t! -They don’t want anything that seems too easy to win. If the woman -takes the initiative--at least if she takes it conspicuously--the -world will think her aggressive, and unladylike. She will be -thought “common,” for instance, if she goes to the phone and asks a -boy for a date or if she proposes marriage. Despite the progress -of feminine emancipation during this century, and especially during -World War II, this is still a man’s world. And probably feminism -will be on the defensive after the war when the veterans return -and many of the women will be expected to retire gracefully to the -kitchens. At any rate, our present moral standards apparently make -it much more difficult for a girl to win some possible mate who -interests her than it is for a man. - -Few of our younger people realize it but there are also a host of -other factors that often limit the number of acceptable mates they -are able to choose from. - -Marriage counselors use the phrase “assortative mating” to describe -the way two people of the opposite sex pair up on the basis of -being pretty much like each other and living in much the same -neighborhood. The term was first used to describe the way animals -mate on the basis of similar size and color. - -Today’s men and girls often set up criteria in selecting a mate -that narrow their possible choices more than they realize. A man -often has some pretty specific ideas on the kind of girl he wants -to marry, and the girl has similar ideas about her husband-to-be. -The chances of a person getting a mate he will like becomes less -and less as he raises his qualifications. - -In the early days of American life, when civilization was much -simpler than it is today--and when people differed less in their -social and economic status--a girl or man usually could find among -five acquaintances someone suitable for marriage. The situation is -decidedly different today. One authority in this field estimates -that a girl, for example, needs to know twenty or twenty-five young -men in order that she may have sufficient range to find someone -eligible for her needs. - -Let’s look at some of the little-considered factors that limit your -choice. - - * * * * * - -HOW OLD MUST YOUR MATE BE? Many people who are looking for a mate -think it is bad for the bride to be older than the groom. The girl -is especially sensitive about this because she feels she may be -losing prestige. Actually such marriages usually turn out to be -happier than average because the girl is usually more eager to -prove herself a good wife and is less apt to be a clinging vine; -but that doesn’t change the fact that some people still frown on -such marriages. - -Society also frowns on matches where there is a great difference -in age. For example marriages where the man is ten years older -are viewed with alarm. For reasons not too well understood, -marriages in which the husband is from four to seven years older -than his bride are less happy than those involving any other age -differences. However, if the man is eight or more years older, no -special handicap seems to be involved. - -Taken as a whole the happiest--and most socially approved--marriages -are those in which the man is one to two years older. - - * * * * * - -HOW EDUCATED MUST YOUR MATE BE? All the studies that have been -made of marriage show that as one’s educational level rises, -an individual tends more and more to make a rational--and less -emotional--choice of a mate. The educated man has a greater range -of choice than the educated woman, because he is much more willing -to marry under his educational level whereas a woman--again for -reasons of prestige--is usually reluctant to do so. If she goes to -college, she feels she has no choice but to restrict her selection -to college men. By so confining herself and by leading a more -cloistered life than her cousin who never went past high school, a -college girl definitely reduces her chances of marrying. Whereas in -the past nearly ninety per cent of our women have married, it is -estimated that only about seventy-five per cent of college women -have married! - - * * * * * - -HOW MUCH MONEY MUST YOUR MATE HAVE? If you have money yourself -or have it in your family you are more apt to make a hard-headed -choice for a mate than one who has little money. He will marry -more spontaneously. If you think back you may remember that during -the depression of 1929-33 people of high economic status postponed -marrying until more stable times whereas the people with small -incomes went right on marrying, if they could possibly manage it. - -Generally people tend to marry pretty much into their own economic -class. The girl who was raised in the poor section of town and is -now working as a sales clerk in a five-and-ten store may yearn to -marry a sophisticated man from a wealthy family, but that is not -the kind of mate she needs. It is doubtful that she could be happy -with him because their differences are too great. - -There are exceptions, of course. Occasionally we all read about, -and cheer, a news report of a modern Cinderella but we usually -frown when we read of the opposite: of a rich girl marrying a poor -man. That somehow seems abnormal to us. The girl may lose caste. A -man of moderate means who himself married a debutante expressed his -views on such arrangements however when he said to us: “Never marry -for money. But it’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich girl!” - - * * * * * - -HOW ABOUT THE MATE’S NATIONAL BACKGROUND AND RELIGION? Are you an -American of Italian extraction who would not consider marrying a -girl of Swedish background? Or are you a Catholic who would not -think of marrying anyone but another Catholic? You may have good -reasons for your exclusiveness but the fact remains that your field -has been narrowed. - - * * * * * - -HOW IS YOUR JOB AFFECTING YOUR PROSPECTS? People tend to marry -mates who live conveniently near and who have similar interests. -(About a fifth of all married couples meet each other at work.) A -school teacher, for example, is much more likely to know school -teachers of the opposite sex than to know physicians of the -opposite sex. Yet many occupations are such that far more of one -sex enter them than is true of the other. For example, there are -normally nearly five women teachers to one man teacher; seven or -eight feminine librarians to one male librarian; some twenty-five -or thirty women in nursing to each man in somewhat similar work. -Is it any wonder that the rate of marriage among school teachers, -librarians and among nurses is much lower than average? Girls who -choose nursing for a career cut their marriage prospects by at -least 50 percent. - - * * * * * - -FINALLY, HOW IS GEOGRAPHY AFFECTING YOUR PROSPECTS FOR MATES? -Though the conditions of World War II broadened the matrimonial -horizon of many men and girls as they moved about the country the -fact remains that location is an important factor in confining the -choice of millions of people. - -In a study of several thousand marriages in Philadelphia it was -discovered that four out of five young people there selected their -mates from within their own city. In one out of three of the -marriages the couple had lived within five blocks of each other -before marriage. - -Looking at the country as a whole, some towns and sections offer -better marriage prospects than others. This is a little known -fact. For example, the cities of New England offer the poorest -possibilities for young women to marry of any section of the -country. This is mainly because the textile industries in that area -attract so many more women than men. Of the thirty United States -cities offering the poorest opportunities for marriage for women, -twenty-two are in New England. And of the thirty offering the best -opportunities for women, about half are in Michigan, Ohio and -Northern Indiana, where the automotive industries--which attract -far more men than women--are located. - -It is interesting to note that during World War II the marriage -rate increased very rapidly in areas with new war industries -requiring a great number of men--shipbuilding, aircraft, metal -working. In Baltimore, the marriage rate went up nearly forty per -cent; in Hartford, important in aviation, it went up twenty-five -per cent. - -Areas that consistently favor girls by providing a surplus of -eligible men are the Far West and the Southwest, particularly -Texas. The Deep South is much less favorable. - -Where does your state stand on the ratio of eligible men to -eligible women? The typical American male marries at about -twenty-five and a half and the typical female at twenty-two and -a half, or about three years earlier. Thus perhaps the fairest -comparison would be to take the single men between twenty-three and -twenty-eight and the single women between twenty and twenty-five. -The following table shows how each state rates in such a -comparison. It is based on the 1940 census. - - -NUMBER OF SINGLE WHITE MALES 23-28 YEARS OLD FOR EACH 100 SINGLE -WHITE FEMALES 20-25 YEARS OLD - - Nevada 177.21 Indiana 97.96 - Wyoming 164.66 Georgia 97.56 - Idaho 130.61 Illinois 95.42 - California 128.01 Minnesota 95.41 - Arizona 127.09 Delaware 94.29 - Montana 125.49 Missouri 94.28 - Washington 121.78 Mississippi 94.20 - Dist. of Col. 119.20 Maine 93.20 - Oregon 116.82 Alabama 93.17 - New Mexico 113.19 Iowa 91.83 - Florida 111.39 New Jersey 91.12 - Texas 109.17 Ohio 90.92 - Vermont 107.50 New York 90.46 - Virginia 106.64 Pennsylvania 90.17 - Maryland 106.18 Tennessee 90.03 - North Dakota 105.76 Nebraska 89.56 - Colorado 102.59 Utah 89.23 - Michigan 101.68 New Hampshire 89.14 - Louisiana 101.61 Kansas 88.66 - Kentucky 100.98 Connecticut 88.57 - Wisconsin 100.82 South Carolina 87.55 - Arkansas 99.24 North Carolina 86.35 - West Virginia 99.12 Massachusetts 83.25 - South Dakota 98.32 Rhode Island 82.61 - Oklahoma 97.99 - -Nevada leads the list as the paradise for girls since there are 177 -men there for each 100 girls. At the other end of the scale Rhode -Island is over-populated with females (due to its many textile -mills) and so is an unpromising place for girls to find a mate -but a fine place for men. There are one hundred girls for every -eighty-three men. - -Notice that all of the first nine states offering the best -possibilities for girls are in the West, and that the five most -favorable states for men are in the East. Perhaps the old slogan -“Go West, young man, go West” might be revised to read “Go East, -young man; go West, young woman.” - -There is another age range that needs consideration. That is, the -groups who have not married by the time most people marry. These -groups are the men between thirty and thirty-five and girls between -twenty-five and thirty. Both these groups need to get busy because -they face a very definite possibility of becoming crusty old -bachelors or disgruntled spinsters. Since men past thirty tend to -marry women who are more than three years younger than themselves -it might be valid to compare the number of girls twenty-five to -thirty to the men thirty to thirty-five. Here again the West is -the great land of opportunity for girls while the Carolinas and -the New England textile states are still less inviting to girls. -One interesting thing is that in the Southern states of Kentucky, -Virginia and Louisiana a girl’s ratio is pretty favorable up to -twenty-five years but after that they become definitely _not_ good -places to find a husband. - -If we take all single men as a whole and compare them to the single -women, without regard to age, here is how the states seem to shape -up: - - THE TEN BEST FOR WOMEN THE TEN POOREST FOR WOMEN - AND POOREST FOR MEN AND BEST FOR MEN - - Wyoming Massachusetts - Montana Rhode Island - Idaho Connecticut - Washington New Hampshire - Arizona New Jersey - California New York - North Dakota Pennsylvania - Oregon Ohio - South Dakota North Carolina - Nevada Missouri - -Of the ten best states for women all are west of the Mississippi, -and of the best states for men all but one is east of the -Mississippi. - -While the states themselves are pretty good guides as to where to -go to pick a mate, the location within a particular state may be of -even greater importance. For example, in Virginia, Norfolk rates as -a fine place for a girl to find a husband but Richmond rates way -down the scale. Here is a comparison of the number of white, single -girls in the twenty-five to thirty age group and of the white, -single men aged thirty to thirty-five in our 106 cities having -a population of fifty thousand or more. (In such a comparison, -incidentally, virtually all of our cities show a surplus of older -girls over older men when those two age groups are compared. Here, -however, we are interested only in the _relative_ desirability of -cities.) - - THE TWENTY BEST CITIES FOR THE TWENTY POOREST CITIES FOR - WOMEN AND POOREST FOR MEN WOMEN AND BEST FOR MEN - (in order) (in order) - San Diego, Cal. Madison, Wis. - San Francisco, Cal. Lincoln, Neb. - Norfolk, Va. Des Moines, Ia. - Miami, Fla. Jackson, Miss. - Long Beach, Cal. Evanston, Ill. - Los Angeles, Cal. Minneapolis, Minn. - Phoenix, Ariz. Wichita, Kans. - Oakland, Cal. St. Paul, Minn. - Tacoma, Wash. Nashville, Tenn. - Sacramento, Cal. Winston-Salem, N. C. - San Antonio, Tex. Knoxville, Tenn. - Houston, Tex. Grand Rapids, Mich. - Detroit, Mich. Fort Wayne, Ind. - Baltimore, Md. Salt Lake City, Utah - Pueblo, Colo. New Haven, Conn. - Peoria, Ill. Omaha, Nebr. - Mobile, Ala. Cleveland, Ohio - Trenton, N. J. Springfield, Ill. - Jacksonville, Fla. Montgomery, Ala. - Columbus, Ga. Hartford, Conn. - -Girls on farms and in small towns may fret to get to the big -cities but their chances of marrying will be better in their rural -communities, where there are 104 men for every hundred women, than -in the cities where the ratio is ninety-six men per hundred girls. - -Women’s colleges and all-male colleges may have their advantages -educationally but they can deprive you of the chance for normal -contacts with the opposite sex, and thus reduce your chances of -marrying. - -To get a fairly accurate idea of just what your marriage expectancy -is, considering all factors, you should take the test reproduced -with this chapter on “What Is Your Marriage Expectancy?” - -If your expectancy rating is low do not become pessimistic. That’s -the worst thing that could happen. Rather decide what you want in -a mate ... find where such a mate exists ... establish friendships -that will lead to introductions ... make yourself attractive to -possible mates by studying their wants and needs and appearing to -fill them. This is a formula that will get almost anyone a mate if -he or she really wants one. - - -WHAT IS YOUR EXPECTANCY OF MARRIAGE? - - This test should show pretty clearly whether your chances of - marrying are good, or not so good. Be honest with yourself. - - 1. Do you sometimes compliment a person, even though it - is not deserved? Yes No - - 2. Do you prefer “different” or unconventional people? Yes No - - 3. Do you often become involved in heated arguments? Yes No - - 4. Are you a good dancer and a good mixer? Yes No - - 5. Do your parents generally like the people you date? Yes No - - 6. Do your good friends include both men and women of - about your own age? Yes No - - 7. Do you take an active part in two or more sports such - as tennis, swimming, golf or bowling? Yes No - - 8. Do you seem to get about your share of invitations to - mixed parties? Yes No - - 9. Do you and your dates frequently spend your evenings - with other couples? Yes No - - 10. Have you ever had a chance to become engaged? Yes No - - 11. Do you seem to make a pretty good first impression? Yes No - - 12. Do you weigh between 100 and 140 if a girl and 130 and - 180 if a man? Yes No - - 13. Are you generally in good health? Yes No - - 14. Is your home cheerful and open to all of your friends? Yes No - - 15. Have you _met_ at least 20 members of the opposite sex - in the past three years who seemed like conceivable - marriage risks? Yes No - - 16. Do your friends visit you frequently? Yes No - - 17. Do you live in a town or area that seems to have as - many young people of the opposite sex as it has of - your own? Yes No - - 18. Do you usually get along with the parents of the - people you date? Yes No - - 19. Are you under 27 if a girl and under 30 if a man? Yes No - - 20. Do your friends seem to think of you as cheerful and - sociable? Yes No - - 21. Do you visit other towns three or four times a year? Yes No - - 22. When you meet someone you know, do you usually speak - first? Yes No - - 23. Do you usually remember names and faces of people you - meet? Yes No - - 24. Do you like to entertain a date at home? Yes No - - 25. Are you friendly or affectionate with persons you - like? Yes No - - 26. Would you marry a person three years younger or older - than you are? Yes No - - 27. Do you date fairly often? Yes No - - 28. Are you a good listener? Yes No - - 29. Do you find it easy to talk to strangers? Yes No - - 30. Is your voice pleasing and modulated? Yes No - - 31. Do you frequent places where members of the opposite - sex are? Yes No - - 32. Do you like to watch baseball, football or boxing? Yes No - - 33. Have you “gone steady” with two or more persons? Yes No - - 34. If a girl do you live west of the Mississippi or if a - man do you live in the East? Yes No - - The correct answer to the first three questions is _no_, - and to all the remaining thirty-one questions _yes_. If you - answered twenty-five or more of the questions correctly then - you have a high “expectancy” rating. If you answered only - eight or less of them correctly then your chances of marrying - are definitely poor unless you take action to improve your - eligibility. - - - - -_Chapter III_ - -Are You Ready for Married Love? - - -The answer to this question is deceptively simple. You are ready if -you are old enough. But how old are you? - -There are several yardsticks besides the calendar for measuring -your age. Educators enjoy telling the story of the wise young -orphan. When a sweet old lady leaned over and asked him his age the -young man removed his glasses, polished them thoughtfully for a -minute and then replied: - -“My psychological age, Madam, is twelve years; my moral age -is ten years; my social age is eight years; my anatomical and -physiological ages are respectively six and seven; but I have not -been informed of my chronological age. That, I understand, is a -matter of comparative insignificance.” - -When we ask you if you are old enough to marry, we mean mature -enough. And maturity, as it bears on your readiness for marriage, -can be measured in at least five ways: physiological, mental, -vocational, sexual and emotional maturity. By these standards some -people are not old enough to marry when they are thirty-five! - - * * * * * - -HOW OLD ARE YOU PHYSIOLOGICALLY? The adolescence of the early -teens is characterized by rapid bodily growth--growth in height, -weight and sexual development. By eighteen, however, you are nearly -as tall as you will ever be. Sexual growth, while not complete -(especially for a girl), has reached a point where reproduction is -possible. General growth slows down considerably and by twenty-four -has just about stopped. For purposes of marriage the average person -is “mature” physiologically by the age of twenty. But some require -more time, because of glandular disturbances. - - * * * * * - -HOW OLD ARE YOU MENTALLY? We do not mean what is your I.Q., which -is a measure of your capacity to learn, but rather the accumulation -of your learning. In short, how wise are you? Normally a person -must live twenty-one or twenty-two years before he has seen enough -of life through schooling and practical experience to take on the -responsibilities that go with marriage. If you have led a sheltered -or one-sided life it will probably take longer. - - * * * * * - -HOW OLD ARE YOU VOCATIONALLY? A man, certainly, is not mature until -he has established that he can earn a living. A college degree, a -license to practice medicine, to teach, or to practice barbering -are not enough. There must be a successful work record and that -cannot be present until a person has used his vocational knowledge -to make a living for a period of not less than one year. - -Once it was thought that girls needed no special training -vocationally but that notion is pretty well outdated now. Modern -women like to feel independent, and frequently their ability to -earn money is called into use. Perhaps the husband is a disabled -war veteran, or perhaps the wife feels she needs a career to earn -money. At the least, the girl entering marriage should already be -capable of managing a home--and that requires skill and knowledge -that can’t be learned in a night club. - -Since some occupations require many more years of education and -training than others, vocational maturity can fall anywhere between -eighteen and twenty-six, but for most people it doesn’t come until -about the age of twenty-two. - - * * * * * - -HOW OLD ARE YOU SEXUALLY? Sexual maturity implies far more than the -ability to beget or bear a child. Most morons can do this. Sexual -maturity is largely determined by childhood and it is something -most people either have or don’t have. - -A youngster who was reared by parents who were well balanced -emotionally, who were ready listeners to his problems, who -explained comprehensively the magic and mystery of sex functions -to him, will usually be ready to face the problems of sexual -adolescence. During adolescence he will be subjected to many -strains. He will undergo many glandular changes and begin to have -sexual capacity. The reproductive apparatus approaches maturity -between the ages of twelve and fourteen. The boy has emissions. -The girl begins to menstruate. Both often are disturbed or even -frightened by these new functions, unless the parent has been wise -enough to prepare them for the changes. - -During adolescence they start “dating,” which at first is done -self-consciously and awkwardly. Their state of mind is made more -nervous if the parents tease or ridicule these first steps in -courting. - -When the boy and girl emerge from adolescence about the age of -eighteen, they have achieved sexual maturity if all has gone well. -If so: - - --There is freedom from repression and inhibitions concerning - sex. - - --There is no disgust or aversion as far as sex is concerned. - - --Likewise there is no _abnormal_ curiosity or longing for - sexual information or experience. - - --He or she may still be shy or self-conscious at first - when in the presence of someone of the opposite sex but - both soon get over it when they find activities to share. - This is normally easy because by eighteen youngsters have - acquired skill in dancing, card playing, sports, hobbies, and - conversing. - -If by eighteen or twenty a person hasn’t acquired sexual maturity -in the sense described, it might be a good idea to consult a -marriage counseling bureau, a college psycho-educational clinic, a -psychologist or some other person trained in helping normal people -achieve normal adjustments. - - * * * * * - -HOW OLD ARE YOU EMOTIONALLY? This is by far the most significant -of all your ages in determining your readiness to marry! Most of -the research on marriage indicates that people who lack “emotional -maturity” rarely achieve a happy marriage. - -What is emotional maturity, you may ask? It’s a state of mind that -includes ability to get along with people ... ability to find -satisfaction and reward in work ... ability to recognize and solve -problems which involve your relations with others ... and finally -it includes freedom from instability and neuroticism. - -As in sexual maturity (which is closely related to emotional -maturity) the first ten years of life are apparently the most -important in determining if you will be emotionally stable. -Certainly by the age of eighteen a person should have a pretty -firm hold on his emotions. If he has not acquired such balance by -twenty-one or twenty-two the outlook is not too promising, and he -should deliberately set out to achieve better control of himself. - -A stenographer of twenty-four came to the Penn State Marriage -Counseling Service for advice after she had had a dozen promiscuous -affairs with men. She came from a broken home where her parents had -taken only an erratic interest in her and she showed serious signs -of emotional instability, as do virtually all promiscuous girls and -men. - -Here is the verbatim report that was written on Sandra. It provides -a classic picture of emotional instability: - - Sandra feels inferior, does many unconventional things, has - few standards or ideals. Badly maladjusted, she flits from - one boy to another, seeking new thrills. Quite promiscuous - and highly sexed, she has had sexual affairs with 12 or 13 - men. Somewhat popular while in college, with attractive face - and nice figure, she was dated by many boys, none of whom - even went with her for more than four dates. Easily persuaded - to any course of action, she could readily excuse any breach - of behavior. Changeable and selfish, but anxious to be known - as a “Campus Queen,” she openly sought dates and a sort of - dubious and short-lived popularity. - - Because of her instability, total lack of standards, ideals - and morals, and her selfishness and shallowness, she is - unlikely to marry unless she catches a rich “sucker.” She is - in six “danger zones” on her Audit Profile. May the Lord help - the poor man who is inveigled into marriage. No boy has ever - proposed marriage to her, a fact that has hurt her vanity. - -To pin emotional maturity down more specifically, here side by side -are eight traits, one or more of which are frequently noted in -persons who are considered “emotionally immature,” and eight noted -in mature persons. - - IMMATURE MATURE - 1. Is aggressive and domineering. 1. Gets along with people. - 2. Is rebellious and “bullheaded.” 2. Has satisfying home life. - 3. Is full of hates and prejudices. 3. Profits from his mistakes. - 4. Is often victim of illusions. 4. Is successful in his work. - 5. Has many phobias, inhibitions. 5. Respects authority and - 6. Is victim of imaginary pains, customs. - stuttering, hysteria, tremors, 6. He faces his problems. - insomnia. 7. Accepts responsibility for - 7. Is high-strung. own acts. - 8. Is often indecisive and anxious. 8. He is consistent and - predictable. - -A person can be emotionally unstable and not show all of those -symptoms but he undoubtedly will show some of them. - -What can anyone do to improve his control over his emotions, and -thus achieve greater emotional maturity? Here are a few suggestions: - - --_Try to look at yourself objectively._ Try to do so - especially in connection with your relations with others. Are - you reasonable rather than prejudiced? Can you recognize that - a man may be a fine person even though he is a Republican - or a Democrat, that he is a good person even though he may - be a Protestant or a Catholic? Do you honestly try to make - decisions on the basis of facts rather than on the basis of - feelings, or imaginary facts that are more agreeable to you? - Sit down every few weeks and try deliberately to look at - yourself as others must see you. Would you like yourself if - you were someone else? - - --_Learn to laugh at yourself._ The person who can laugh - at himself, or who can laugh at the things he loves and - continue to love them, is the person who is most likely to - have insight into himself. And that insight is important in - emotional maturity. If you have a sense of the ridiculous you - can see fun in many of your own activities, and in doing so - are able to relax and feel happy. You learn to laugh at your - troubles, yet at the same time do your best to improve the - situation. This ability to see the ridiculous side acts as - a cushion and helps you maintain your stability, even when - things are most exasperating. - - --_Set up a confidential relationship with some other - person._ Telling your problems to another person helps you - define the problem in your own mind, it furnishes relief - from the tensions you have built up, and it brings another - person’s point of view into the picture. One of the biggest - single values in marriage is the fact that it provides - husband and wife a confidant in each other, and gives them - the confidential relationship that is so important to mental - integration. - - --_Seek work that satisfies you._ Nothing will prevent you - from getting a hold on your emotions more than being confined - every day to work that is disagreeable to you. If you find it - is uninteresting or doesn’t challenge you or doesn’t offer - any opportunity as a stepping stone to more challenging work, - change jobs. But do it intelligently, because the person who - is a frequent job-jumper is not a good marriage risk. - -Recently we talked to a man who is forty-four years of age. He had -been divorced once, is now unhappily living with a second wife, -wants to divorce her and marry a third woman. His job record shows -that he has held thirty-nine different jobs in his life. Is it any -wonder that he is unlikely to find happiness or stability in life? -He does not know what he wants, can’t learn from experience, and is -pursuing a will-o’-the-wisp. - - --_When you have a problem face it squarely._ Define the - problem, get all the facts, and line up alternative solutions - in case the first course isn’t successful. Many people seem - incapable of defining their problems. When they are faced - with a frustrating situation, they frequently are unable to - vary their attack upon it. When a girl can’t get her way she - cries. Crying may bring her some reduction of tension, but it - does not solve the problem. The emotionally mature person can - keep his head, figure out something to do, but the immature - person gives up or cries or gets drunk. - -We have devoted so much more space to your emotional age than -to the other four ages--physiological, mental, vocational and -sexual--because it is so fundamental to marriage success. If -you find after reading this chapter you want to know more about -developing your own maturity, you will find further suggestions in -the chapters “Getting Along with the Other Sex,” “Attracting the -One You Want,” and “Crucial Traits for Marriage Happiness.” - -When all the five “ages” are taken into consideration it would seem -that a girl should not consider marriage until she is at least -nineteen or twenty and the man should not before he is twenty-one -or twenty-two. Those are minimum ages for normal men and girls. -Those who develop slower than average in any of the five ages -should try to wait a year or two longer before deciding about -marriage. - - -ARE YOU OLD ENOUGH TO MARRY? - - Your chronological age is not as important as some of your - other ages in determining whether you are ready for marriage. - The informal check below may give you a rough idea of your - maturity for marriage. - - _Physiological Maturity_ - Are you 20 years old or older? Yes No - Are you in general good health? Yes No - As far as you know is your glandular balance normal? Yes No - - _Mental Maturity_ - Did you finish the eighth grade without repeating more - than one grade? Yes No - Do you read the news daily? Yes No - By age 20 had you completed at least two years of college - or earned your own living for 2 years? Yes No - - _Vocational Maturity_ - Are you prepared by education or experience to make a - living in a specific occupation, or in managing a home? Yes No - Have you attained your 22d birthday? Yes No - Do you have a job doing work for which you have prepared? Yes No - - _Sexual Maturity_ - Have you been dating at least once a month since age 16? Yes No - Are your attitudes toward sex free from disgust or - aversion? Yes No - Were your parents easy to talk to about sex? Yes No - - _Emotional Maturity_ - Do you get along well with people? Yes No - Do you trust people and do they trust you? Yes No - Do you usually do today what is supposed to be done today? Yes No - - Give yourself one point for each _yes_ answer. You should - have a total score of at least twelve and should have no less - than two _yes_ answers in each category if you are to be - judged old enough to marry. - - -ARE YOU GROWN UP EMOTIONALLY? - - More than almost anything else, your rating on “emotional - maturity” reveals your chances of achieving a happy marriage. - Here is a more detailed test of your rating on this crucial - trait. Answer _yes_ only if you are sure. - - 1. Can you accept criticism without having your feelings - hurt? Yes No - - 2. Are you normally free from jealousy? Yes No - - 3. When you have differences with people can you usually - work out compromises that satisfy you and don’t leave - hard feelings? Yes No - - 4. Do you behave yourself because it seems the natural - thing to do and not because you fear the consequences - of misbehaving? Yes No - - 5. Do you think most people are honest, decent and worth - while? Yes No - - 6. Are you happy most of the time--and free from violent - emotional outbursts? Yes No - - 7. Before beginning a new project or making a final decision - do you honestly weigh the arguments for and against it? Yes No - - 8. Can you be away from the place you live for a month - without getting homesick? Yes No - - 9. Do you willingly abide by established authority and the - customs of your community? Yes No - - 10. Can you make your own personal decisions without depending - on friends and relatives to help you make up your mind? Yes No - - 11. Are you free from vague aches, nail biting, flustered - stammering? Yes No - - 12. Can you postpone something you want to do now in order - to have greater enjoyment later? Yes No - - 13. Are you living zestfully in the present instead of - bragging about past deeds? Yes No - - 14. Do you go to sleep easily and normally slumber without - nightmares? Yes No - - 15. Do you get along well with your parents, relatives, and - close friends? Yes No - - 16. When things go wrong do you find the cause and correct - it instead of blaming others or lamenting your bad - breaks? Yes No - - 17. Are you living up to the responsibilities which go along - with the privileges given to you? Yes No - - 18. Have you friends among both sexes, some older and some - younger than you are? Yes No - - If you honestly answered _yes_ to fourteen of these or more - you are more mature emotionally than the average person. If - you answered _yes_ to sixteen or more you should have an - exceptionally good chance for a happy marriage. - - - - -_Chapter IV_ - -Is It Love--or Infatuation? - - -“Love” is unquestionably the most abused word in the English -language. People “love” puppies, or they “love” ice cream. Women -commonly close their letters to acquaintances with the word “love” -as do all relatives when they write to one another. Boys trying to -get a kiss from their girl friends mumble something about love. -That’s to make the giving easier for the girl. - -Then there are different kinds of genuine love. A mother loves her -two-year-old baby just as wholeheartedly as she loves her husband. -And she loves her husband now just as much as she did as a girl -eight years ago when she “fell” in love with him, but the love is -different. She was more misty-eyed then. She didn’t realize it but -the earlier love was heavily flavored by sexual attraction. Now -sex is still present in her regard for her husband but the bond -is primarily a deep feeling of comradeship. And with the baby, of -course, true sexual feelings are not involved at all. - -In all three of the cases, however, she had developed a deep -concern for the welfare of the loved one; and in all three of -the cases the loved one had similar feelings of attachment to -her. Right here you have the gist of true love, whether parental, -conjugal or romantic. - -Still, it is often difficult to know if your “love” is the real -thing. Two out of five of the girls who come to the Penn State -Marriage Counseling Service for advice about their affairs think -they are in love but aren’t sure. - -One girl was really confused. She reported that she was terribly -in love with two different men at the college. One was on the -basketball team. The other played in a campus orchestra. She did -not know which one she loved the more and wanted to be told which -to choose. Tests soon established beyond a doubt that she had the -warmest kind of physical feeling for both men. But the tests also -showed that she was primarily fascinated by them as “catches.” She -wasn’t actually in love with either, and was so informed. - -She was the victim of double infatuation. How can you tell love -from infatuation? Dr. Henry Bowman of Stephens College offers these -points of distinction:-- - - Infatuation may come suddenly but loves takes time. - - Infatuation can be based on one or two traits (usually - including sex appeal) whereas love is based on many traits. - - In infatuation the person is in “love” with love, whereas in - love, the person is in love with another person. - - In infatuation the other person is thought of as a separate - entity and employed for self-gratification. In real love - there is a feeling of identity with the other person. - - Infatuation produces feelings of insecurity and wishful - thinking whereas love produces a sense of security. - - In infatuation you suffer loss of ambition, appetite, etc., - whereas in love you work and plan to please the other person. - - The physical element is much more important in infatuation - than in love. - - Infatuation may change quickly but love lasts. - -In general you can be surer that it is really love if it has -developed over a period of time rather than if it comes all of a -sudden. - -But, you may ask, how about those couples who are “meant for each -other” and “fell in love at first sight.” Both are nice romantic -notions, but both have little validity in fact. - -There is _no_ one person in the world for anyone. We don’t expect -happily married couples or happily engaged couples to believe that -but all the evidence indicates it is true. There are hundreds, -indeed thousands, of people that you could fall in love with and -be happily married to. (And there are, of course, thousands and -perhaps millions of people you would be miserable with as mates.) -The only sense in which there can be a “one and only” for you -is that there may be only one good prospect within your range of -possible acquaintanceship. It is the multitude of good possible -mates that sometimes makes it difficult for a girl to choose -between two men. It is the multitude of possibilities that produces -triangular situations after marriages; and it is this multitude of -available mates in America that makes it possible for a girl to -find and love a man in her own community rather than to have to go -from Maine to California to meet a “one and only.” - -As for instantaneous love, a girl has about as much chance -of “falling in love at first sight” as she does of becoming -Cinderella. At times couples experience “infatuation at first -sight” which may or may not later mature into love. And ordinarily -the infatuation is based about eighty per cent on sexual -attraction. “Love at first sight” also often occurs when you come -across someone who happens to match your “phantasy ideal” for -a mate. If you have always dreamed of a bride with large brown -eyes, a turned-up nose and a shapely figure--and you are ripe for -mating--you fall for the first girl matching that description. It -is a mighty hazardous way to try to pick a mate. - -Other people think they fall in love “at first sight” because they -are desperately anxious to have some one to hold to, and clutch -at the first person who comes along. They suffer from feelings of -insecurity. This was particularly true of girls during the war. -One girl who came to the Penn State clinic was rapturous about her -coming marriage to an army lieutenant stationed temporarily at the -college. Why did she love him? She was pretty vague about that and -seemed to resent the question. What did they have in common in the -way of interests and ideals? The only thing she could think of was -that they both liked to bowl. It soon developed that what she was -in love with was the idea of getting married. She was twenty-seven -and nervous about her future. That she was sincerely convinced -she was in love with the man was a tribute to her own powers of -self-deception. She realized that she _should_ in all decency be -in love with the man she was going to marry, and convinced herself -that she was. - -Frequently two people fall so madly in “love” soon after meeting -that they feel they must marry immediately. This tendency is so -well known that most marriage counselors rightfully question if a -state of true love exists when the two people feel they will die if -they don’t get married tomorrow or next week. Real love can wait. -It can make sacrifices; it is not something that has to be rushed. -The more urgent the desire to get married immediately, the greater -the likelihood that it is infatuation and that the infatuation may -die out as abruptly as it sprang into being. - -But why, you may ask, is love at first sight so improbable? Why -can’t you fall in love as easily immediately as you can after weeks -of knowing each other? - -Here we get to the essence of love, which Webster’s dictionary -defines as: “Desire for, and earnest effort to promote the welfare -of, another.” Love is not a trap you fall into. It is a state of -respect for and comradeship with another that has developed from -the fact that you both have similar tastes, ideals and yearnings. -Such comradeship cannot come as a result of one date. - -Cynics have said that “love is of all feelings the most egoistic -and consequently is, when crossed, the least generous.” That -assumes love is possessive and selfish. Genuine love as we -understand it today is the medium through which the fullest -development of the personalities of a man and woman may take place. -And it involves a keen desire for the welfare of the loved person. -There is nothing egoistic about real love! - -Here briefly are some conditions that are usually present before -love can develop: - - --The two persons have had experiences together that have - caused each to react favorably to the other. - - --They have each found present in the other qualities, - standards and ideals which they admire. - - --Their sexual feelings have been so favorably conditioned, - without their realizing it, that they find great pleasure - just in being in each other’s presence. - - --Each one in some way fulfills some of the motives that - are of importance to the other, such as desire for social - approval or, with a man, mastery. - -There are many people for whom it is utterly impossible to fall in -love. For a few this is due to physical inadequacy. But to most it -is a result of unfavorable conditioning that has made them selfish -or afraid of contact with the opposite sex. How does a person get -the ability to fall in love? From a physical standpoint certain -hormones pour into the blood stream of a man or woman past puberty -that create sexual tension. But that only starts to explain the -complexity of the love relationship. - -Your ability to fall in love depends for the most part on your own -previous experience as far back as childhood. In the beginning, for -example, your mother met all your needs. Every time you cried your -mother rushed to you, to feed you, to give you a drink, to change -your diaper or to remove a pin that was sticking in you. Gradually -in your mind the mother becomes associated with everything -pleasant, with eating, the relief of thirst, the elimination of -pain. You probably became attached to her with a depth of love -and affection that lasted for many years. Similarly your mother -received pleasure from hearing your coos when she gave you relief -from pain, she received the approval of your father for bearing -you and the admiring comments on you from the neighbors; and she -satisfied her motive of mastery by having something (you) under her -control. Her love deepened for you. - -It has been observed in the South, where the nursemaids may often -spend more time with the child than the mother does that the child -becomes more favorably conditioned to the nursemaid than to the -mother. That illustrates that love is a _learned_ process. - -As you grew older and began playing with children you learned to -like those with whom playing was fun and you learned to dislike -those where your association was marked only by dissatisfaction and -unpleasantness. - -Similarly if your early associations with those of the opposite sex -were all marked by unpleasantness and nervous tension you tended -to stick to those of your own sex; but if they were marked with -pleasure you turned more and more to the other sex. - -Even the appearance of the girl that a young man likes is due to -pleasant associations with other persons who had one or more of -the characteristics that his girl has. It is not just accident -that girls are more likely to fall in love with boys who have -characteristics resembling their own fathers than they are with -boys who don’t. Similarly a boy is more likely to fall in love with -a girl who resembles his own mother than with a girl who doesn’t. - -If your early life has been marked by strife in the home and -tension in your relation with people your own age, then you have -been poorly conditioned for the comradeship married love can -provide. And you probably will have the greatest difficulty finding -happiness in marriage. - -But if your relationships with people have been relatively serene, -you will find it easy to learn to love someone of the opposite sex. -You will find that when you do certain things you receive approval -by way of happy smiles and rewards. Gradually you learn to put your -best foot forward. You and your date both are conditioned to be on -your best behavior and if you have many things in common develop a -deep friendship with each other. - -Then, if the conditioning during the friendship is quite favorable, -your mutual feeling of appreciation and affection for each other -grows and finally ripens into love. There you have it. - -In your love for each other you will both gradually become -sexually vibrant and you both will begin to feel a need for sexual -expression through each other. As this need becomes increasingly -strong, you both begin to think of engagement and marriage. Ideally -when your need for each other becomes so strong that it can no -longer be denied, you are married. - - -ARE YOU REALLY IN LOVE? - - The first thing many counselors like to find out when people - come to them about the possibility of marrying is to find out - whether they are actually in love. Here are some questions - which quickly disclose whether a person is afflicted with - the real thing or is just infatuated by good looks and sex - appeal. Answer each question truthfully regardless of what - you _think_ the correct answer should be. - - 1. Do you have a great number of things that you like to - do together? Yes No - - 2. Do you have a feeling of pride when you compare your - friend to any other you have known? Yes No - - 3. Do you feel you need to apologize for certain things - about him? Yes No - - 4. Do you suffer from a feeling of unrest when away from - him or her? Yes No - - 5. Have you a strong desire to please him or her and are - you quite glad to give way on your own preferences? Yes No - - 6. Do you have any difficulty carrying on a conversation - with each other? Yes No - - 7. Even when you quarrel do you still enjoy being together? Yes No - - 8. Do you actually want to marry this person? Yes No - - 9. Would you be afraid to trust him or her in the presence - of another attractive person of your own sex for an - evening? Yes No - - 10. Does he or she have the qualities you would like to have - in your children? Yes No - - 11. Do your friends and associates mostly admire this person - and think he, or she, would be a good match for you? Yes No - - 12. Do you ever wonder if he, or she, is faithful? Yes No - - 13. Do your parents think you are in love? (They are very - discerning about such things.) Yes No - - 14. Have you started planning, at least in your own mind, - what kind of wedding, children, and home you will have? Yes No - - 15. Are you conscious of being jealous of him, or her? Yes No - - 16. Is this person attractive to you not only in appearance - but in the way he talks, acts and thinks? Yes No - - 17. Do you approve generally of each other’s friends? Yes No - - 18. Do you wonder if he, or she, is being sincere in what - he tells you? Yes No - - 19. Do you have a wealth of things to discuss and do together? Yes No - - 20. When outside trouble develops for one of you does the - crisis tend to pull you together rather than apart? Yes No - - 21. Are there many things on which you disagree? Yes No - - 22. Do you find that in thinking of the future it is always in - terms of two rather than of yourself alone? Yes No - - 23. Can you imagine how he or she will appear at 40 and still - feel as deeply attached to him as before? Yes No - - 24. Do you have serious doubts about your love for him? Yes No - - If you have a perfect score you answered every third question - (3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18, 21, 24) with _No_ and all the others - with _Yes_. Did you have twenty or more “correct” answers? If - so, we would judge you to be solidly in love. If you did not, - you should be skeptical until you receive further proof. - - - - -_Chapter V_ - -Growing Up Sexually - - -Your ability to undertake marriage successfully has already been -determined in large part before you even start. It has been -determined by experiences you have had with sex generally and with -the opposite sex particularly. Possibly you are already seriously -handicapped by repressions and fears on the subject. - -To ignore or fear sex is no more sensible than to ignore any of -the other emotions you possess. Sexual desire is a natural desire. -Without it your personality would become impoverished. Without -it there would be few marriages. Without it there would be few -children and few homes. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of or be -whispered about. - -You can have love without sex and sex without love but neither -alone is very satisfying or enriching. For example many men are -capable of sexual activity with women for whom they could find no -pleasure in social associations. Were it not for this fact there -would be no prostitution. Likewise it is true there are many wives -who love their husbands and engage in sexual activity with them, -but without feeling any sexual urge whatsoever and without feeling -any physical satisfaction. - -The ideal arrangement, however, is that in which the two people -have genuine love and affection for each other and at the same time -have strong sex desire for each other and find sexual satisfaction -in each other. - -A very large proportion of the fears, repressions and anxieties -that people suffer from involve sex one way or another. Many of -these repressions are revealed in such things as frigidity and -impotence. The individual who is ashamed and afraid of sex will -be repressed in married life unless the attitude is corrected, and -will find it difficult to adjust to marriage. When such persons are -married the feelings of shame or guilt about sex may prevent sexual -satisfaction. This lack of satisfaction, and the tension that goes -with it, may produce nervousness, aches and pains and even nervous -breakdowns. - -Many married people, particularly wives, suffer from repression. -While sexual maladjustment is not the only cause of unhappiness -in marriage it does play a significant part. It is estimated that -one-fifth of all married people turn to masturbation as one of the -ways to reduce the sexual tensions not satisfied through intimate -relationships with the mate. - -How do these so-called repressions develop? Where do we learn about -sex? - -Our sex experiences--whether good or bad--started when we were -babies. We reacted in a very favorable way to the fondling, -caressing and other skin stimulation of our mothers. Love and -affection came to be associated in our minds with fondling and -stroking. Sometimes as the baby grows older the parent lavishes -too much affection on the child because the mother is hungry for -affection which is not forthcoming from her husband. This excessive -love-conditioning may cause the child to become intensely attached -to the mother and makes it difficult for the child to break away as -it grows up. Not only this, but in addition the excessive fondling -and favorable attention may cause the child to have an excessive -desire for sympathy and social approval. Ergo, we have a “spoiled -child.” This spoiled child grows up feeling very sorry for himself -and insecure when he is not receiving sympathy. In marriage, he -or she becomes quite possessive because he or she wants to be the -constant center of attention. - -But to get back to when you were a growing child. Many of the -feelings of guilt, shame or fear that people suffer from concerning -sex begin then. - -Perhaps the child is detected in the act of exploring his sex -organs. It is probably normal curiosity but the parents punish him -so severely that the child feels exceedingly guilty about it. - -Perhaps the child hears a four-letter Anglo-Saxon word. Proud of -this new acquisition he comes home and uses it with his parents. -The parents are dumfounded, show their intense disapproval, and may -wash the child’s mouth out with soap. - -Or perhaps the child asks how babies are made and the parent may -rebuff the child or act so mysterious that the child concludes he -has done something for which he should be ashamed. - -On the other hand, if as a child you had a confidential relationship -with your parents and found that when you took such problems to them -they would try to give you answers you could comprehend you developed -a normal, healthy attitude toward sex. Repression usually occurs only -when something happens to us for which we feel ashamed or guilty or -fearful. - -It would seem to us that no child should be permitted to reach -the age of five or six without knowing where babies come from. It -furthermore seems to us that no child should reach the age of ten -without knowing what produces or causes babies. - -Now we come to the period that affected you most profoundly in your -sexual development, puberty. Can you remember how your life and -body were changed from the time you were twelve to fourteen?--that -is, when you were first endowed with sexual capacity. Whether you -were a boy or girl, your sex glands (gonads) began pouring their -hormones into the blood stream in great quantities. Perhaps you -did not realize it at the time but you began feeling more tense, -more energetic, and began exhibiting what might be called “animal -spirits.” Farmers shake their heads sadly at their youngsters -during this period and resign themselves to the fact that the -youths won’t be over “Fool’s Hill” until they are sixteen. - -It probably was during your early teens that you had your first -great “love” affair, if you were normal. Puppy love is one of the -sweetest loves that one ever has. It usually makes its appearance -at about the time the girl begins to menstruate and the boy becomes -capable of having sexual emissions. - -This first love of yours was romantic and idealistic. Probably -you “fell in love” with a girl in the next aisle, passed notes to -her and picked flowers on the way to school for her. You walked -home together after school and if you did manage to conquer your -embarrassment and kiss, it is a kiss you will never forget. - -You did not realize that those hormones pulsing through your body -were responsible for this “crush” and did not realize why you were -more tense and energetic. To reduce the tension, though, you looked -at each other and something about your past conditioning made each -of you find something appealing in the other. Sometimes these first -“loves” endure but more likely you are soon both in “love” with new -“flames” that suddenly appeared more appealing. Puppy love, you -see, is an early version of infatuation. - -As a child your sexual feelings were diffused over the body surface -but with puberty those feelings came more and more to be localized -in certain sensitive areas of the body, called “erogenous zones,” -if you had normal contacts with the other sex. In the case of girls -whose contact with sex is carefully guarded, however, it is quite -possible that sex desire may remain diffused until marriage and the -loss of virginity. - -The appearance of the menstrual discharge can be a profoundly -frightening event for a girl unless she has been prepared to expect -it. Often it marks the beginning of fears that carry over even into -marriage. - -Take the case of Alice, a school superintendent’s daughter, who -was reared in a stern atmosphere of morality. When she asked -where babies came from her mother first rebuked her and when -she persisted in inquiring the mother said they were brought -in the medical bags of physicians. When she reached the age of -menstruation, for which her mother had not prepared her, she -thought a terrible calamity had befallen her. She naïvely believed -for several months that she was having a baby. Later the only -information she ever acquired on sex was through bull sessions with -other girls at college, and there the information was misleading. -She was fearful of sex and when, during her freshman year, a boy -tried to kiss her she reacted very strongly. She felt that she must -not be a nice girl or a boy would not think of trying to kiss her. -Her mother had told her that nice girls did not kiss boys. - -Today Alice is twenty-nine and still not married. Furthermore -she seems like a very poor prospect. She has reacted frigidly to -all overtures of grown men to kiss her even though she feels she -should marry. To her “sex” is animal passion and its only rightful -function is reproduction. She has so many repressions about sex -that she cannot act normally in the presence of someone of the -opposite sex. - -Here is how the repressions operate with Alice. She does her best -not to think about sex. She avoids situations or circumstances -that would involve sex by staying away from people of the opposite -sex, by not going to dances and by refraining from doing things -that would in any way bring sex to mind. Her life is a desperate -hide-and-seek with sex. Furthermore her repression is so effective -that she won’t even admit that a sexual problem exists for her. - -Sometimes direct fear conditioning may occur. In one girl who was -referred to the Penn State clinic there was an intense fear of -being with well-educated people. When all the facts were learned, -it was discovered that in her early teens the girl had been -detected masturbating by her mother. To frighten her out of the -habit the mother told her that such a practice would change her -facial appearance so much that any educated person looking at her -would know she was a masturbator. The girl, already ashamed of her -habit, felt so much guilt that she started avoiding anyone who had -a college education because she believed such people could see her -secret in her face. It took many months of treatment to get her to -the place where she could associate with college people with ease. - -It is our opinion that much of the sexual maladjustment of the -world is brought about by parents giving their children the -impression that sex is shameful, disgusting, fearful or nasty. - -One young man came into the psychological clinic complaining of -severe indigestion, heartburn and excruciating stomach pains. When -asked what he thought the trouble was he said it probably was -caused by his habit of drinking a couple of beers three or four -times a week. He had made many efforts to stop drinking the beer, -but in vain. The companionship of the other young men with whom -he drank, the feeling of tension reduction that he felt while -drinking, the partial release of some of his inhibitions under -alcohol all prevented him from breaking the habit. He had never -been drunk yet he was sure that the half-dozen glasses of beer a -week were causing his stomach trouble and would ultimately lead to -ulcers or cancer. - -In working with this young man it was found that he had begun -masturbating in adolescence. His father had discovered this and had -severely denounced him for the practice. The boy could not, or did -not, give up masturbation and was in constant fear that he would -go insane because his father told him that continued masturbation -always led to insanity. In reading an old-fashioned book on sex -which his father gave him, the boy ran across a statement to the -effect that alcohol weakened the sex drive. He was so anxious to -reduce his own drive, for fear of insanity, that he began drinking -beer habitually. He was so sure the alcohol was reducing his sex -drive that he stopped masturbating. Actually, of course, the -sex drive was still present and his repression and anxiety were -transferred from masturbating to beer drinking, with the physical -symptoms already described. By helping the young man understand how -he had become unfavorably conditioned to masturbation (which, while -an inferior or substitute adjustment, is a natural act) he lost all -of his stomach symptoms and gained a wholesome attitude about sex. - -How can sexual inhibitions and repressions be “unlearned?” The best -thing to do of course is consult a good clinical psychologist or -competent psychiatrist. Extensive psychotherapy may be needed. But -here are some things that an individual can do that may help: - - --Develop a friendly confidential relationship with some - other person who can be trusted and bit by bit unburden - yourself of your fears, anxieties, problems and frustrations. - Simply getting things out of one’s system brings tension - release. Not only that but as one talks about his problems - and feelings toward them, he begins to define the problem - and see possibilities of attacking and solving the problem - himself. And the friend may have some helpful suggestions. - - --Deliberately associate with people of the opposite sex as - much as possible if repression is present. Gradually this - will help reduce tensions as you become used to them and if - the conditioning is favorable you may achieve wholesome and - normal reactions to the opposite sex. - - --Acquire adequate information about sexual behavior. - Good books are available today in the field of sex (_note - bibliography in the back of this book_). - - --Even bull sessions can be helpful though much of the - information you will hear may be erroneous or inadequate. The - freedom of expression in the sessions and the opportunity - to talk help one feel less repressed and more natural when - sexual matters come up. - -All young unmarried people should realize that the sexual emotion -is just as much a hunger as a hunger for food and that in marriage -their personality is enriched when the sexual hunger is satisfied. - -While all this association with the opposite sex is going on, the -girl or young man is learning what kind of a mate he wants in -marriage. It is only through these experiences (starting with puppy -love) that they begin to set standards and qualifications of the -persons they would like to marry. The typical boy or girl needs to -date a good many persons before they know the kind they would like -to have as a mate, to decide upon the minimum standards they wish. - -In going with one girl the boy learns to appreciate music and -decides he wants a wife who can play the piano. In going with -another girl he finds he wants a girl who is brunette, who is -reasonably tall, who is relatively slim. In going with a third girl -he discovers he wants a person who has as much education as he does -and who is interested at least politely with mechanical things, -which happen to be his passion. In going with still another girl he -discovers that it is important to him for her to have control of -her temper, to be friendly to people, to be gracious in manner, to -be kind and considerate. And so it goes. It is only through such -experiences that a man gradually learns what he wants in a wife and -what is important to him. - -In contrast, it is ignorance of what one wants that may prevent -you from ever achieving a happy marriage. Not knowing what you -want or need, you may marry the first person with whom you become -infatuated. - -Today there are nearly twenty-five thousand different occupations -in the country. More people are completing high school--and -college--than ever before in history. The radio and automobile have -broadened man’s horizon. Thus for the man today a selection of a -wife from among a half-dozen girls whom he has known would be a -hazardous selection. As we have said before, he would need to know -at least twenty-five eligible single girls--and date at least a -dozen of them--before he could be fairly sure of finding one that -would meet his wants and needs. - - - - -_Chapter VI_ - -Sex Adventuring - - -In the course of looking over the field for mates a large part of -our young people become involved in bodily petting and complete -intimacy. How widespread are such premarital sex relations? All -the factual studies would indicate that there has been a steady -increase. Dr. L. M. Terman, whose book _Psychological Factors in -Marital Happiness_, published in 1938, reports a study he made of -792 couples, concludes: - -“The trend toward premarital sex experience is proceeding with -extraordinary rapidity.” - -Of older couples who married around 1910, he found fifty per cent -of the men and eighty-seven per cent of the women had been virgins -at the time of marriage. In contrast, of those who married about -ten years ago only fourteen per cent of the men and thirty-two per -cent of the women were virgins at marriage. Dr. Terman predicted: - -“If the drop should continue at the average rate shown ... -virginity at marriage will be close to the vanishing point” for -males marrying after 1955 and for girls marrying after 1960. - -It’s a rare high school nowadays that doesn’t have an occasional -pregnant girl, unmarried, in its midst. In one city more than two -hundred such pregnancies occurred last year. Most of the sexual -experiences today--especially for girls--are with people they -eventually marry. But even in this respect the trend indicates that -more and more young people are having intercourse with persons they -do not marry than has ever been true before in our history. The -trend is more pronounced for men than it is for girls. This can -be understood in view of the fact that it is the woman who gets -pregnant, and not the man. - -Of couples marrying today, a relatively high percentage have -complete physical intimacy before the wedding night. The rate seems -to be higher among the lower economic classes than in the higher -levels. - -This does not mean the morals of the upper classes are higher but -probably is due to the fact that girls in the upper group--who -have lived at women’s or other colleges--have more inhibitions. -After marriage they often have greater trouble having climactic -sexual experience than girls who only went to high school, because -of these inhibitions. Probably less than one-third of such wives -regularly experience orgasm. - -Why has premarital intimacy become more widespread in recent years? -There appear to be several major explanations: - - --The tensions of two wars and a major depression which - led to postponement of marriage but not necessarily to - postponement of gratification. Also during the war many girls - threw their ideals to the wind in an attempt to find or give - happiness on a friend’s last furlough. - - --Religion is not as much concerned with sexual taboos today - as it was a generation ago. - - --We have removed chaperonage and parents generally are more - tolerant of their children’s behavior and build in them fewer - repressions than in past years. - - --The widespread dissemination of birth-control information - and the improved techniques in preventing venereal disease - have reduced the penalties of indulgence. - - --Our people are more mobile today so that it is possible for - a young couple to experiment sexually with less likelihood - that their parents will find out about them. Boys have access - to automobiles in which they can take girls to secluded - spots. Hotels have relaxed their restrictions about verifying - the “Mr. and Mrs.” of couples who register. Tourist camps - rarely had any restrictions to start with. Finally the war - took millions of our young people away from their home - communities. - -In short, the old controls of society have relaxed or are in the -process of breaking down. The same is true in Great Britain where -studies during the war indicated that one out of every three births -was conceived prior to marriage. - -While young men engage in intimacies because of the hormones -pulsing through their bodies and because it makes them feel more -“grown up,” girls engage for somewhat different reasons, though -thrill is a factor. Girls in their teens do not have nearly as -high a sex drive as boys of the same age. Whereas a man reaches -the height of his sexual vigor at around eighteen, a girl does -not reach hers until around twenty-eight. This is largely because -of the different conditioning boys and girls get. Girls lead more -sheltered, guarded lives and thus develop many more repressions and -inhibitions about sex than men. - -Most girls who start to pet in their teens do so because they are -afraid they won’t be asked for dates if they don’t pet. They give -kisses as rewards to the boy for taking them to the dance. It is -believed that at least one-half of female sex delinquents get -little or no pleasure from the sex activity. They indulge primarily -to get something else they want: the prestige and pleasure of -having dates. This behavior puts sex on a very low plane. The -prostitute herself is rarely motivated by excessive sex feeling. -Rather she does it to obtain certain other things she considers -important, such as spending money, gowns, cosmetics, etc. - -Some girls think that because of the surplus of women over men -they must be aggressive if they are to get dates, and consider -bold petting one of the most effective techniques of aggression. -Actually aggression of any kind usually has an adverse effect on a -man, and the emotions generated in the girl by petting may lead to -a sense of insecurity and a feeling of frustration. - -It would be pointless to advise that young people should never neck -or pet, because the facts show that the vast majority of young -people engage in necking and petting to some extent. But what can -be said for and against unmarried couples practicing complete -physical intimacy before marriage? What arguments have been -advanced in favor of it? - -First we have heard it said that premarital sexual relations assist -in the wise choice of a mate. You know what you are getting. You -will know better whether you and the mate would be compatible -sexually. One religious sect in this country takes a unique view -on premarital experience. Couples do not marry until a child -is conceived. In this way the groom-to-be can rest assured his -bride-to-be can bear him children. The trouble here is that many -premarital sex experiences of the modern couple are engaged in -under circumstances that are hardly favorable to the flowering -of sexual desires and their satisfaction. When intimacy is -accompanied by feelings of fear or guilt or shame--as is frequently -the case in premarital affairs--permanent scars are left on the -participants. Usually a person can get just as accurate a clue of -what married love would be with a specific individual by petting -and conversation rather than by complete intimacy with its usual -aftermath of shame and guilt. - -Another argument often mentioned in favor of premarital sex -relations is that it is dangerous to one’s health to wait. This -argument is based on the well-known fact that most young people are -mature enough physically to marry several years before economic -factors make marriage advisable. So why wither away while waiting? -They point to the spinsters who shrivel up for lack of love. -This is only a half truth because, as you will see later in this -chapter, there are other outlets for sexual feeling available in -addition to coitus. These may not be as pleasurable but they are -virtually as effective. The withered spinsters are that way because -they employ no outlets whatsoever. - -On the other side--the reasons why complete intimacy is ill-advised -before marriage--we have first of all the fact that society -frowns on such intimacy. Even though the practice is widespread -it is still illicit love, with all the psychological problems -it involves. The idea that the bride and groom be virgins at -the start of their marriage is the product of the experience of -most civilized peoples. That in itself should mean something. -Undisciplined sexual expression has always been found to be -destructive to the social group that permits it to take place. - -Next, while it can be seriously debated whether complete intimacy -hurts or helps an engaged couple planning early marriage, there -is no question how it affects persons indulging on a casual -basis. We have authoritative information on this point. In one -carefully conducted research, the records of twenty-five girls were -picked at random--girls who, according to their test scorings, -were unconventional and generally unstable emotionally. These -girls were carefully interviewed. Of the twenty-five, twenty-one -admitted to the counselors that they had been intimate with one or -more men during the preceding two years! That is persuasive proof -that promiscuous persons are usually also unstable emotionally. -And being unstable emotionally they are very poor prospects for -marriage. - -Finally here are some specific dangers that every person -considering complete intimacy before marriage should be aware of: - - --Possible pregnancy, and a forced and hasty marriage. - - --If the child is aborted the possibility of permanent - sterility or other injury must not be forgotten. - - --The probability that the illicit relationship may become - known to members of your social group, if not to your parents. - - --Probability that even though temporary relief from sexual - tension is achieved you may suffer from feelings of shame, - guilt, or remorse. - - --Possibility that your future spouse may discover that you - have had sexual relations with another person. It may prey on - his or her mind despite the fact that he goes through with - the marriage. - - --The possibility that the intimacy is practiced under - conditions so nerve-racking and undesirable that they cheapen - the meaning of the act. - - --The risk of venereal disease. - - --The possibility--if you are a girl--that the relationship - is exploitive. Perhaps the man is seeking his own satisfaction - with little regard for the girl or her feelings. - -After those warnings regarding complete intimacy are given we -would like to make it clear that premarital kissing and petting do -have a legitimate function. Recently a nurse trainee came to the -Penn State clinic; she was overwrought. She said her current boy -friend had laid his hand across her breast. Had she been prudish in -becoming upset? She was assured that she hadn’t been. But she was -urged not to let the incident drive her to aloofness. Frigidness -can wreck one’s chances for a happy marriage just as surely as -promiscuity. - -It is entirely natural for a mutually attracted young couple to -desire to caress each other. It is one of nature’s techniques for -encouraging mating. Without it we would have fewer marriages--and -children. It is harmful only when the attachment between the two -people is completely sexual and they rush into an early marriage, -or into intercourse without marriage. - -Take for example Dorothy and Bob, who wanted some last-minute -advice before marrying. Obviously they were crazy about each other. -To them a kiss or embrace was a way to convey their adoration. -Everything pointed to their being truly in love and the tests -showed them to be well-matched. To deny them such expression of -affection when together would not only frustrate their love but -might even impair their adjustment in marriage. - -Their kind of innocent petting however should not be confused -with the “exploitive” kind practiced by a student we’ll call -Hale. He said quite casually that he “loves ’em and leaves ’em.” -Investigation showed that was precisely what he did. And while he -was apparently not as irresistible as he implied, he did find some -girls to join him in his sex adventuring. Some naïvely fell for -his line. Others joined in quite frankly for the thrill involved -in exploring each other. Both Hale and two of the promiscuous -girls involved showed in their tests strong traces of emotional -instability which would make them poor marriage prospects. Before -a girl becomes involved in any petting she should make sure in her -own mind that it is not the “exploitive” kind. - -Caressing or petting becomes definitely dangerous when physical -contact and stimulation become ends in themselves. In the case -of an engaged couple in love the intimacy is not just an end in -itself but an expression of affection. The important thing is that -sexual feeling should develop and grow out of the friendship and -courtship of two people, it should not be the initial basis for -it. There is likely to be exploitation involved if a couple feel -impelled to engage in petting during the first few dates. Petting -is progressive and can carry a couple much further than they intend -to go. That is the big danger. - -Ideally a couple should marry when their friendship and courtship -have developed in them such strong sexual feelings toward each -other that there is a physical and psychological need for -satisfaction. This is why society is more tolerant of petting after -a couple become engaged. It is nature’s preparation for marriage. -The trouble of course is in the serious lag involved between the -time a couple may be ripe physically for marriage and the time -they are prepared vocationally and emotionally to marry. We still -have our child brides in backwoods areas but most modern Americans -do not consider it feasible to marry until they are well in their -twenties. And in our civilization that is proper. But it does -impose serious temptations on the people who have to wait. - -From the time they pass out of adolescence young people--especially -men--need outlets for the sexual tensions building up within them. -There seems little doubt to us that refraining from any sort of -sexual expression does impair one’s psychological balance and -mental health. Personality can be damaged and physical health may -be damaged. But if we rule out climactic sexual relations with -another person what alternatives are left? There are three major -forms this can take. - - --Climaxes in the dream world. This is most common with men - and produces their nocturnal emissions. - - --Substitution. This usually means masturbation. Many people - think that masturbation is a sin, that it will produce - insanity, that it leads to skin blemishes or pimples, that - it is something disgusting or filthy, that it stunts your - growth. All the evidence indicates that none of these is - true. A noted psychiatrist, O. Spurgeon English, recently - said: “Most all psychiatrists, psychologists, and educators - today regard masturbation as a normal phenomenon ... indulged - in to some degree by all human beings during the course - of their development.” As we see it, masturbation is a - relatively harmless method of reducing tension providing - feelings of guilt and shame are not connected with it and - providing of course that it is not done excessively. - - --Sublimation. You “sublimate” a sexual hunger, or handle it - on a “high” socially approved plane by such things as dancing - and associating a great deal with persons of the other sex. - A young person is greatly helped in this if he is permitted - to date at an early age (fifteen is not too young) and - encouraged to bring his date to his home. Sublimation cannot - reduce sexual hunger but it helps to take your mind off it. - -If there is no outlet for these feelings through normal and natural -associations with the opposite sex and if parental instruction on -sex has been inadequate, really abnormal sex behavior may result. - -The most common form of maldevelopment probably is homosexuality. -It was once believed that homosexuals were “born that way.” But now -it is known that the great majority of them, male and female, are -normal in a bodily sense. Their abnormal behavior is clearly the -result of unfortunate conditioning. Perhaps a boy was pampered too -much as a child and has had little chance to mingle with the other -sex, and then is rebuffed when he attempts to make dates because -he seems namby-pamby or effeminate. While being forced away from -associating with girls the hormones are being poured into his blood -stream. The boy becomes tense without realizing why and without any -outlet to reduce the tension. Bit by bit he may turn to persons of -his own sex for sexual satisfaction, first perhaps through mutual -masturbation and finally through homosexuality. - -It is known that there is much more homosexuality in girls’ or -boys’ schools than there is at co-educational institutions. One -study showed that one-third of married women have had at some time -in their unmarried days intense emotional relations with other -women, even though some did not recognize the behavior as sexual in -character. There is every reason to believe that more women engage -in homosexual behavior than is true of men. This is understandable -in view of the fact that expressions of affection between women -are much more acceptable than is true of expressions of affection -between men. Nobody thinks anything of two women greeting each -other with a kiss, walking hand in hand or with arms clasped about -each other. Men would be looked upon suspiciously if they engaged -in any such behavior. - -Still other abnormal outlets sexual feeling will take if it is not -provided with normal or acceptable forms of expression are: - - --_Voyeurism_, or “Peeping Tom” behavior, brought about by - curiosity about sexual behavior of other individuals because - the person is repressed and lacks sexual information himself. - - --_Fetishism_, which produces an unnatural sex attachment to - objects rather than persons. The objects may be shoes, hair - curls, wearing apparel. The possession and fondling of such - articles create arousal and satisfaction of sex feelings. - - --_Pedophilia_, or unnatural attachment for children, perhaps - because it offers them a “safe” way to inspect and caress - human anatomy. - - --_Sadism and masochism._ The first feeling comes from - inflicting pain on another, the second from having pain - inflicted on one’s self. This involves the sensual feeling of - pleasure-after-pain which we have already mentioned. - -But to get back to the problem of finding socially approved outlets -for sexual feeling before marriage. We would advise couples -rigorously to refrain from direct sexual stimulation and other -below-the-shoulder petting until marriage is fairly imminent -if they hope to abstain from intercourse before marriage. The -excitation of such petting is apt to swirl a couple into complete -intimacy despite their best intentions not to go that far. - -We would not undertake to advise young people how far they should -go in their petting, but feel that every young person--as a part of -his or her personal philosophy of life--should decide just what his -limits should be. When the limit is set here are some hints on how -to make it stick. - - --Reserve even your good-night kisses for people you are - genuinely fond of. A girl should not cheapen them by letting - a casual date lead her to the davenport to collect a reward - for taking her out. And don’t fall into the error of thinking - that free-and-easy petting will increase your popularity. It - won’t except with people who would make unstable mates anyway. - - --Limit carefully the time you are alone with a person of the - other sex under romantic conditions. It is almost a “rule of - love” that the longer a couple are alone with nothing much to - do, the greater the likelihood they will pet. Several college - girls tell us they never agree finally to a date until they - are sure there will be something definite to do--go to - the movies, dance or play gin rummy. If parents or school - authorities set a time limit for you to be home they are - really doing you a favor. - - --Learn to sense when either is becoming physically aroused - and stop. Again college girls tell us that when they - recognize the danger signals they suggest to the man that - they dance, go for a soda or take a walk. - - --Learn that alcoholic beverages may relax your inhibitions - to the point where you will go much further than you - intended. That is why some people wisely refrain from - drinking or limit themselves severely while on a date. - - -ARE YOU WARM OR COOL BY NATURE? - - Some people respond to their mates with a greater intensity - of emotion than do others. This test should reveal your own - responsiveness. - - 1. Were you reared in an affectionate family? Yes No - - 2. Do you become excited at a close football or baseball - match? Yes No - - 3. Are you strongly moved by sentimental music or a romantic - movie? Yes No - - 4. When friends are away a week do you feel their absence a - great deal? Yes No - - 5. Do you have a wide circle of acquaintances and friends? Yes No - - 6. Does it help you to take your troubles to friends? And - do you want them to bring their troubles to you? Yes No - - 7. Are you fond of children? Yes No - - 8. Do you compliment others frequently--and sincerely? Yes No - - 9. Does it distress you to see someone in pain? Yes No - - 10. Do you feel you are _actively_ affectionate with the - person of the opposite sex that you like best? Yes No - - 11. Do you fed you are free from repressions? Yes No - - 12. When your feelings are hurt do you get over the hurt - quickly? Yes No - - 13. Do you participate in two or three social organizations? Yes No - - 14. Do you find it easy to mix with casual acquaintances? Yes No - - 15. In associating with people of the opposite sex are you - open and natural rather than stand-offish? Yes No - - 16. Do you consider yourself well-adjusted sexually? Yes No - - 17. Do you like to look after a sick person? Yes No - - 18. Were your own parents affectionate? Yes No - - If you answered _yes_ to fifteen or more of these you are - a warm, ardent person and should be able to work out a - satisfying sexual adjustment in marriage. If you answered - _yes_ to nine or less you appear to be reserved and cool by - nature. Your best chance in marriage will be with a person of - similar disposition. - - - - -_Chapter VII_ - -Do You Frighten Possible Mates Away? - - -Getting along with the other sex is one of the most important -skills you will ever learn--if you do learn it. - -If you fail to achieve a good adjustment it will show up in -other aspects of your life. Failure to get along with others -is undoubtedly one of the biggest reasons why people fail at -their jobs. Far more people are dropped from their positions or -are passed over in awarding promotions because of personality -inadequacies than are dropped because of technical incompetence. -The person who can’t get along well on a job is usually not a -good risk in marriage. And the person who cannot get along with -acquaintances is usually not a good risk for a job or for marriage. - -Likewise, when you find a happily married person you will -also usually find a person who is happy in his work and in -his social contacts. And whether or not you get along with -people--particularly of the other sex--depends primarily upon the -sort of training you had in childhood. Professor Terman found -that happily married people were people whose own parents had -been happily married ... were people who had a great deal of love -and affection for their parents ... were people who had been -punished only mildly and infrequently by their parents and had been -disciplined firmly but not harshly. It is not impossible to replace -bad traits with good but it will become increasingly difficult with -each passing year. - -How do you impress people of the other sex? Did you ever stop to -ask yourself that? To find the answer you will have to adopt the -attitude Socrates is alleged to have recommended: “Know thyself.” - -Have you ever stopped to make an inventory of your assets and -liabilities? Perhaps you have traits which you have lived with so -long that you aren’t aware of them, but which greatly annoy people -you want to know better. Or perhaps the traits are not downright -offensive but weaken your appeal. The test in this chapter, “Do You -Have a Negative or Positive Personality?” may help you in making an -inventory. - -If you feel something is holding you back from popularity with the -other sex try to get to the root of your trouble. If people do not -ask you out, why don’t they? If some dislike or avoid you, what -is the explanation? If some people seem merely to tolerate you, -what is the trouble? If you feel you do not have as much influence -in your group as you would like to, what is undermining your -influence? Below we are going to point out a dozen of the major -trouble-making characteristics. Perhaps some of them may apply to -you. - - * * * * * - -DO YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE PRESENCE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? -Perhaps you are haunted by deep feelings of inferiority, feelings -which may come from your lack of association--compared to other -persons your own age--with the opposite sex, or perhaps you have -been thrown into a more “sophisticated” group than you were -accustomed to. Another possibility is that you lack the knowledge -to intermingle suavely. Perhaps you still feel clumsy--and must -watch your feet--while dancing. Perhaps you dread the ceremony of -introducing people because you are vague on the etiquette involved. -Perhaps you are not sure you are dressed appropriately for the -occasion. Perhaps you don’t know when to use the right fork or -spoon. Perhaps you are not quite sure how to act in saying good -night to a date, or how to thank a hostess for a delightful evening. - -The answer to this type of problem is simple. If you feel ill -at ease because you feel you are a poor dancer, then learn to -be a better dancer. Take lessons, or simply practice on your -own living-room floor. If it is etiquette that bothers you read -any of a dozen books on the subject, and watch carefully how -others around you behave. One more thing--if you are haunted by -feelings of inferiority, learn to do some one thing superlatively -well, even if it is only table tennis or gin rummy. This will -bring you recognition from the group and ease your feelings of -self-consciousness. - -General Eisenhower has said that self-confidence is the greatest -asset one can have in the world. John Powers, originator of the -famed Powers Model Agency, tells his new models that the biggest -thing they have to learn is self-assurance, and he quotes to them -General Eisenhower’s remark. - - * * * * * - -ARE YOU ALOOF? Many young people, after they have been bruised a -couple of times in their early contacts with the opposite sex, wrap -their ego up in a protective shell so that no one can hurt them -again. Other people, particularly girls, want to be dated so badly -and feel so anxious about not being dated more that they “freeze” -when anyone approaches them for a date. They are anxious not to -appear over-anxious, and again aloofness results. Finally, girls -who teach often frighten men away through their aloofness. The -teacher often carries into her dating, unconsciously, the reserve -she develops in the classroom for disciplinary reasons. - -Whatever the source of the aloofness, the attitude is interpreted -by the opposite sex as coldness and indifference. Possible dates -are frightened away because you appear unapproachable and perhaps a -bit haughty. - - * * * * * - -DO YOU HAVE A “LOW BOILING POINT” EMOTIONALLY? Some of us have -built up emotional habits that prevent us from getting along with -persons of the opposite sex. We habitually lose our tempers, act -rudely, show our anxieties, or go to pieces. They lead inevitably -to quarrels with our boy friends or girl friends. If you are easily -upset by frustrations or anger you find yourself involved in temper -outbursts and profanity, both of which are highly repelling to -anyone in the opposite sex interested in you. - - * * * * * - -DO YOU DAYDREAM FREQUENTLY? The daydreaming itself does not annoy -others, but daydreaming holds you back from appearing at your -best. Daydreaming is usually simply the imaginary representation -of satisfactions you do not achieve in real life. When you -let your daydreams become a substitute for real achievement, -your personality is definitely slipping and the outcome may be -dangerous. If you must daydream, make it planful. - - * * * * * - -DO YOU OFTEN COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR HEALTH? It is bad enough for your -marriage prospects to appear unhealthy. It is even worse if you -complain of your aches and pains. You not only bring the other -person’s attention even more on your short-comings, but reveal -yourself to be something of a hypochondriac, who is defined in -Webster’s dictionary as a person suffering from “a mental disorder -characterized by morbid anxiety as to the patient’s health....” - - * * * * * - -DO YOU BLAME YOUR TROUBLES AND MISTAKES ON OTHERS? This is one of -the most vicious mental habits one can get into. Psychologists -call it the habit of “projection.” You project your failures upon -somebody else. The boy says he is not able to get along with girls -because his father will not let him have the car. The girl blames -her failure to have dates upon her mother for not giving her the -right kind of clothes. Such a habit is much more serious than first -appears. In the first place, one’s listeners are not fooled by -such projections, and in the second place the individual who gets -into such a habit fails to profit by his mistakes. Thus he loses -opportunity for making improvement. - - * * * * * - -ARE YOU INTOLERANT OF PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT LIKE YOU? Broadmindedness -or tolerance is a trait we must have if people are to like us. To -be broadminded or tolerant, you usually need to be both intelligent -and well informed. Intolerance and bigotry are either based on -ignorance of other people or on a mind that knows the facts but is -all twisted up. One should not confuse broadmindedness with low -standards and ideals. A broadminded person may be tolerant of an -individual whose own standards are low even though the broadminded -person tries to live by practical, realistic and decent standards. -You can be an unchanging believer in a particular religion or be an -invariable follower of one political party, but at least you should -keep from ramming your personal views down the throats of others. -When you voice intolerances you usually antagonize acquaintances -who are startled by your narrow views. - - * * * * * - -ARE YOU ARGUMENTATIVE? Many persons, because of their biases or -prejudices or emotional tension, constantly want to argue. They -hope by arguing to convince others of the correctness of their own -views. The louder they shout the more persuasive their argument--so -they think. Actually, arguing rarely ever convinces anyone. And the -one sure result is that it will create hard feelings, if engaged -in vehemently. As long as a discussion can remain good humored and -considerate, with nobody raising his voice or becoming agitated, -worth-while ideas may be exchanged. - - * * * * * - -DO YOU BORE PEOPLE BY YOUR TALKING? Do you chatter inanely or -do you annoy people by constantly talking “shop?” One can talk -about one’s job without talking “shop.” The important difference -is that he talks about those aspects of his occupation that will -interest an outsider with normal curiosity. And he talks about -his job only if the listener shows by smiling or nodding his head -that the subject intrigues him. Being able to talk is not nearly -so important as being able to talk in a _congenial way_. The -congenial person sees that conversations cover only topics that are -mutually interesting, and he avoids talking too much. Further, he -is sensitive enough to catch the mood of the other person and is -flexible enough to join in that mood. Finally, the congenial talker -is sensitive enough to lead the conversation away from subjects -that will only bring conflict. - - * * * * * - -ARE YOU SELF-CENTERED? Perhaps you were “spoiled” as a child or -are so richly endowed with physical charm or with talent you feel -yourself to be the center of the universe. For example, the girl -may have temper tantrums in public, she may humiliate her escort by -biting sarcasm or devastating scorn. Often her escort simply serves -as a foil for her “brilliance” or good looks. She frightens her man -away because he sees himself going through life as a planet in her -orbit. Such a girl is not seeking a husband as such; what she wants -is a background for her own personality. After being hurt by her a -few times a man runs away and seeks a girl who will pour balm on -his injured ego. - - * * * * * - -ARE YOU AGGRESSIVE? A man may offend decent girls by being -aggressively “on the make.” A girl may be aggressive by being a -“gold-digger,” and scare men away by being both expensive and -inconsiderate. Or she may be aggressive simply in the sense that -she is worried about the shortage of males and sets out grimly to -get a man before it is too late. In match-making, man is jealously -proud of his role of pursuer and does not want his traditional role -usurped by the skirted sex. Thus most men resent overt signs of -aggression by a girl. - - * * * * * - -ARE YOU REPELLING PHYSICALLY? Most girls like to have a man who is -taller than they are. Feelings of prestige are involved. - -Poor health, extreme tallness or shortness, extreme obesity -or thinness, very dark or very light complexion, poor motor -coördination, seriously impaired vision, impaired hearing, -unbecoming teeth, body odor, a general appearance of being weak and -easily tired detract greatly from one’s personality. Other things -that detract are bizarre features such as tattoos, the appearance -of being under-sexed. In general a person should never be more than -twenty per cent over or under the weight for his height. - -In these days of modern medical science, plastic surgery, -orthodentistry, dermatology, etc., a girl or man can get rid of -most irregular features. And those that can’t be removed can -be overshadowed. The physical paralysis of the late President -Roosevelt did not influence people negatively because of the great -personal charm of the man. The impairment of hearing of Thomas -Edison did not diminish the respect and liking that people had for -his genius. - -Odor is tremendously important in the impressions that one makes -on others. It is believed that one of the reasons men like women -and women like men is that their respective odors are agreeable to -each other. Halitosis, perspiration odors, clothing odors resulting -from wearing clothing in places of work where the air is redolent -with manufacturing processes, may ruin your chances for marrying -the one you want. Almost any girl or man who is in good health, who -is willing to take care of his teeth, who avoids wearing clothing -saturated with occupational odors and who is careful to avoid -perspiration smells can be wholesome and fragrant. Perfume should -be used to enhance the true natural body odor of the individual and -not to mask unpleasant ones. - -Actually, physical appearances rarely need hurt seriously a -person’s chances of marriage providing they retain self-assurance. -The trouble is that a person with a prominent nose or big feet -is so concerned about the specific defects that he convinces -himself he presents an ugly appearance. He develops feelings of -inferiority, and that is where the real trouble begins. - -The person who holds his head up, who can look you straight in the -eye, whose face is animated when he talks, is better looking and -better liked than the individual who does not do these things. The -_restful_ physical position, the alert face and animated expression -convey to others the feeling that you are poised. Poise and -self-confidence make up a large part of “good looks.” - -Assuming that after reading this chapter you have concluded you -have some bad habits that are hurting your chances of getting -a desirable mate, how can the habit be broken? It is not easy. -There are two major thoughts to keep in mind in trying to break -a habit. First, once you decide to break the habit, you must not -let any exception occur. The reforming drunkard who has trouble -walking past bars knows that just one nip will set off a chain -of violations. The longer he can keep from drinking the weaker -the urge to drink becomes and soon he can pass bars without any -trouble at all, and in fact with scorn. The second idea in breaking -a habit is to substitute something in the habit’s place. A person -wants to stop eating sweets. Several years ago one of the cigarette -manufacturers sold millions of cigarettes by proposing that a -person with a sweet-tooth should reach for a cigarette instead of -a sweet. This was the principle of substitution. A substitute for -a boy who bites his fingernails may be something like this. He can -reason: - -“I have a desire to bite my nails but I have a bigger desire not -to bite my nails. While it is difficult not to bite my nails it is -much more important that my nails look acceptable if I am to get -dates. I would rather have dates than bite my fingernails.” Such a -bigger goal may help you break any habit that offends people you -want to impress. - -Girls probably are more concerned about the impression they create -than men. Here is some advice to women that one investigator, a -man, offered after making a study of the habits of women: - - --Don’t wear styles that men consider queer. - - --Don’t neglect the romantic illusion. Men are disillusioned - by such things as hair curlers, awkward positions and - postures, unattractive sounds in the throat, making up in - public. - - --Don’t fail to answer a man, and promptly, when he addresses - you; he may feel slighted by inattention. - - --Don’t nag a man. Men flee to office, club, other women--anywhere - but where the nagger is. - - --Don’t tell off-color stories or use coarse language. Most - men resent them in women. - - --Don’t show jealousy. All men abhor a jealous woman. - - --Don’t compare your male companion unfavorably with another - man. - - --Don’t giggle, shriek or otherwise be loud to attract his - attention. - - -DO YOU HAVE A NEGATIVE OR POSITIVE PERSONALITY? - -Subtract five points for each of the _repelling_ traits you -possess. (Be honest.) And add five points for each of the -_appealing_ traits you can honestly claim as a consistent part of -your personality. - - REPELLING TRAITS APPEALING TRAITS - 1. Jealous Broadminded - 2. Irritable Loyal to friends - 3. Unbecoming teeth Truthful - 4. Unpleasant body odor Tolerant - 5. Intolerant Considerate - 6. Uncomfortable in groups Affectionate - 7. Full of anxieties Optimistic - 8. Hot-tempered Good humored - 9. Inclined to daydream Tactful - 10. Rude Generous - 11. Blame others for mishaps Enthusiastic - 12. “Go to pieces” when upset Ability to accept criticism - 13. Bite your nails Admit mistakes - 14. Loud in talking Don’t make excuses - 15. Profane habitually Dress appropriately - 16. Laugh at mistakes of others Possess good health - 17. Flaunt your knowledge Friendly - 18. Talk about your bad health Modulated voice - 19. Argumentative Reasonable - 20. Brusque Congenial conversationalist - 21. Aggressive Neat - 22. Uncoöperative Clean - 23. Lack confidence in self Correct use of English - 24. Domineering Good posture and carriage - 25. Selfish High ideals - 26. Crude Consistently dependable - 27. Egocentric (conceited) Naturalness - 28. Gossipy Frankness - 29. Unpredictable Attractive teeth - 30. Envious of others Unselfish - -If you ended up with a negative score you can feel fairly sure that -you are being handicapped in your association with the other sex by -an unattractive personality. In fact if you checked more than eight -of the _repelling_ characteristics (regardless of the number of -_appealing_ traits you checked) you have grounds for concern about -the impression you create. However, if you checked five or less of -the _repelling_ traits and ended with a total positive score of -more than one hundred you apparently have an unusually appealing -personality. - - - - -_Chapter VIII_ - -Attracting the One You Want - - -Will You marry the _one_ person you have met whom you would like -most to marry, will you have to be content with a second choice, -or will you have no choice at all? The answer will depend on -how appealing a person you are. And frequently that appeal can -be enhanced by knowledge of techniques for winning the romantic -interest of persons of the other sex. - -The person who wants to win a mate must put three thoughts in the -prospective mate’s head. You must make that person feel the need of -a mate ... that you are the person who can best fit that need ... -and that the time is ripe for marriage. - -First, let’s consider some of the things a girl can do to get a man -thinking along those lines: - - --She should talk about the man’s basic needs in a subtle, - impersonal way by discussing such things as good food, - comfortable furniture, fireplaces, a place where one can - bring friends. She gets his ideas on the style of home he - likes, and gets his ideas about children. She does all this - in a friendly, optimistic way and avoids discussing some of - the disadvantages that marriage often entails. Veterans are - particularly responsive to such an approach because their - shifting, destructive life as fighting men has filled them - with a profound desire to settle down to a comfortable, - creative life. - - --She appeals to the man’s yearning for mastery (which - every man has) by giving him the opportunity to do most of - the talking. She follows his words with genuine interest - and tries to fall in with whatever mood he is in. And she - enthusiastically accepts his ideas about places to go on - dates and things to do. Definitely, she minimizes any - mistakes that he may make, blames him for nothing and keeps - her complaints to herself, or lets them come out only as - friendly, constructive suggestions. - - --She makes herself physically appealing. - - --She does not discuss any poor physical health she may have, - nor does she discuss any bad breaks or her possible knack for - always getting into trouble. - - --She lets him get the impression that other men are - interested in her, but makes it plain that they do not - interest her nearly as much as this particular man. - - --She does not run down other girls. - - --She makes it clear that she is sure he must be popular, and - very successful in his work. - - --She talks casually about her married friends and gets - across the idea that they are terribly glad they married. - - --She strives to make every occasion with this man an - enjoyable one. - - --Finally she is not afraid to let him know that she likes - him and that his feelings toward her matter a great deal. - -In short, the girl constantly sets up conditioning situations -which make the man feel good inside for having been with her. -Soon he’ll start thinking that it would be nice to have that good -feeling inside for the rest of his life. That is the mood in which -proposals germinate. - -What are some of the things a man can do to get a girl in a -receptive mood for a proposal? Here are a few: - - --If he is a shrewd, practical psychologist he can detect - the chief source of her feelings of inferiority. Most girls - feel inferior about something, usually something about their - appearance since that looms so important to them. Perhaps - they are acutely conscious of big hands or thick ankles or - mouse-colored hair. In such cases the man should reserve his - most enthusiastic compliments for those sites of anxiety. He - does not need to mention them specifically, but he should - word the compliments in such a way that those features are - obviously included in his admiration. The girl will be so - grateful that she will want to be with the man as much as she - can just to hear him say such nice things. - - --The man should be “romantic” if it kills him. He should - remember that women inherently are much more sentimental - than men. If it weren’t for feminine sentiment there never - would have been a Valentine’s Day. The actual sex urge is not - as strong in girls as it is in men, so they are much more - interested in the _forms_ of courting than in sex expression - itself. They want to be told again and again that you adore - them. - - --The man, if he is adept, can play effectively on the girl’s - feeling of insecurity. Security is the most important thing - in the world to women. Though girls can make their own living - nowadays, most of them still feel their greatest chance for - real security lies in marriage. How can the man play on - these feelings of insecurity?--by talking to the girl in - detail about her job, about her aspirations, her plans for - the future. He can accomplish the same result by the reverse - technique of talking casually and impersonally about all the - things that stand for security in a woman’s mind. He can - analyze house plans in a magazine with her; he can talk about - his own future at his job and the prospects that some day he - will have a job commanding respect and a substantial income. - - --The man should be self-assured with the girl and just a bit - masterful. Despite all the feminine emancipation of the past - few decades, women admire he-men and sometimes yearn to be - swooped up, whisked away and relieved of all their problems. - - --He should be considerate and gentle with the girl and be - careful that he observes all the amenities of politeness. - Women are more impressed by etiquette than men. - - --He should be careful not to reveal any anxieties he has - about his job or his future generally. - - --He should let the idea seep out that he is now in a - marriageable state of mind and that other girls seem - interested in him. Girls have a more fiercely competitive - spirit in their mate-seeking than men. - -For people who are still a little baffled about the whole business -of courtship, we can pass on a tried and true formula for winning a -mate. We have seen it work wonders in scores of cases. - -The amusing thing is that it was not designed for snaring mates but -for snaring customers for American products such as refrigerators. -It is sometimes called the AIDA advertising formula, named from the -first letters of the formula’s four key words--Attention, Interest, -Desire, and Action. To get a person to buy a refrigerator you must -first attract his attention, then generate an interest, instill a -desire to own the refrigerator, and then give him the final prod -that will impel him to go in and lay down his hard-earned money for -the machine. - -When applied to your situation, it involves these four stages in -winning a mate: First, the prospective mate’s attention must be -directed toward you. Upon noticing you, he must see something that -will arouse his interest. Then he must be stimulated to have a -desire to know you better. When desire is aroused sufficiently, -action (agreement to marry) results. - -There are, of course, many approaches to attracting a person’s -attention. A man has more liberties here in making himself seen -than a girl but let’s consider some of the socially-approved -approaches a girl can make. She can arrange for relatives, -friends and social and business acquaintances to introduce men -to her. In this her role can appear passive. Or she can use the -be-where-men-are approach by attending parties, meetings and -community affairs which by their very nature bring her into contact -with men. - -After winning the person’s attention--whether you are a man or -a girl--the best way to arouse his or her interest is through -conversation--and not just any conversation. Here out of the whole -universe is one person before you. What kind of person is he or -she? What are his or her interests? Unharness your curiosity and -ask friendly, tactful questions. And you should make it clear -that you regard the person’s answers as worth-while. Emphasize -the _you_ with such questions as “What do _you_ think about ...” -or “_Your_ idea is the most sensible I’ve heard yet.” Whether you -are male or female, learn to be a _good listener_, or rather a -_good interrogator_. Lead the person into topics he or she seems -to relish discussing, and if you see frowns or looks of discomfort -change the subject. - -Jim may be very much interested in photography. He will like you if -you ask him questions about his photography, whether he develops -his own pictures, the kind of camera he has, the unusual pictures -he has taken. However, you must use insight. Nana may be an expert -stenographer but may not be very proud of her vocation and so would -be more appreciative of questions about her taste in clothes, about -the different places she has lived, the books she has enjoyed -reading, the movie stars she likes, the places she has visited. - -If you are a congenial conversationalist you have undoubtedly -gone a long ways toward arousing the interest of this person whose -attention you have. Now if you are still interested, begin asking -more personal questions about the person’s background. Perhaps -this does not come until after several dates. The aim is to arouse -in this person a desire to know you still better. Tell him the -things you admire in the opposite sex. Intimate that you are sure -he must be very popular. By attributing such a personality to him, -you create in him a desire to know you better! Once this desire is -firmly created, a courtship has begun that may very well lead to -the altar. - -What traits do people especially look for in mates? One study of -college women and college men found these traits to be mentioned -most often: - - GIRLS WANT IN MEN MEN WANT IN GIRLS - - Congeniality Intelligence - Intelligence Beauty of form and figure - Companionship Congenial companionship - “Handsome” form and features Neatness - Wit Appealing dress - Good nature Good sportsmanship - Neatness Modesty - Sincerity Good morals - Dependability Sincerity - Good sportsmanship Wit - Sex appeal Sense of humor - Flexibility Sex appeal - Good morals Honesty - Honesty Truthfulness - Good manners Friendliness - -At Penn State students were asked for the qualities they were -looking for in their future mate and a quite different list -resulted. They wanted their mate to have: - - Honesty Good health - Affection Love for children - Cleanliness Same religion - Sense of humor Neatness - “Good background” Have character - -Still another survey shows that if mature men are asked what kind -of woman they want for a wife, the majority will state that they -want a girl who is dark, reasonably slender, intelligent, with -a reasonably good figure, and is average to tall in height, and -is affectionate in disposition. The emphasis here is on physical -appearance. However, only 10 per cent of the men insist that the -girl must be “pretty.” Only about fifteen per cent insist that -their wife be a blonde, despite the glamorizing of the blonde, and -thirty-three per cent of the men say that they do not want blondes -under any circumstances. Even the plump girl has a chance. About -seventeen per cent of the men want a wife who is plump to solid. - -“Looks” certainly are a factor in one’s attractiveness to the -opposite sex, particularly with girls. But actually almost any -girl can appear attractive to men if she has only one or two -really attractive features, providing she is intelligent enough -to capitalize on them. She may be flat-chested or knock-kneed but -the men scarcely notice that because she designs herself so that -her bad features are not seen. The eye is directed to the good -features, whether they be lustrous hair or luminous eyes. Some -of the most famous stars in Hollywood are either knock-kneed, -thick-ankled or big-footed. The only really ugly girls in this -world are the freaks, the crude girls, the girls who appear -sexless, and the girls who look unhealthy. - -“Good looking” girls are the ones who make a good _first_ -impression, and have such attractive personalities that the -impression persists. There you have an important distinction. -“Looks” are important in attracting the possible mate’s attention. -There is a psychological factor involved. For reasons of prestige -a man usually wants to prove to his friends that he has picked -a “looker” when he shows off his new girlfriend. But once the -attention is secured, looks for either a man or girl become -decidedly secondary considerations. From then on a person stands or -falls on his personality. A man can be an Adonis or a girl can be -symmetrically perfect. Yet they can bore you and you can’t get them -out of your sight fast enough. - -What is the normal physical appearance of a man and woman? One -physician has found that the average woman has a height of about -five feet four inches and weighs approximately 132 pounds. For -every inch of additional height she may add five pounds; for every -inch less of height she should subtract five. The man, on the -other hand, has an average height of about five feet seven inches, -or three inches higher than the girl. He should weigh about 142 -pounds. For every inch of height more or less a man can add about -eight pounds, if he has his clothes on. - -Some women want their men to be “tall, dark and handsome” but -statistics would seem to indicate that only about one man in two -hundred attains the height of six feet. - -Sometimes young people develop terrible inferiority complexes -because of specific ugly features they have. Since a feeling of -confidence and poise is so important in winning a mate it might -be advisable for one with a bad nose, for example, to have a -plastic surgery operation. As everyone knows, plastic surgery made -tremendous strides in the recent war. A good plastic surgeon will -remake your nose for a price averaging about three hundred dollars. -The operation itself requires less than an hour, and you may be -out of circulation for only a couple of weeks. Such an operation -leaves no scars because it is performed through the nostrils rather -than from outside. Many other operations of this kind are possible: -operations that will eliminate scars, that will improve a bad -chin, that will give the lips a configuration, etc. The operation -may be worth while if it is the only way to remove a source of -anxiety. In these days of modern medical science, plastic surgery, -orthodentistry, dermatology, etc. almost any person can rid himself -of really abnormal features. And once you have achieved fairly -harmonious features your personality is what counts. - -It is significant that in defining a truly beautiful woman John -Powers, the model agent, listed these four things as being in the -top ten ingredients of beauty: - - A radiant personality - Integrity of character - Complete self-assurance - Intellectual curiosity - -One Hollywood columnist wrote in his column the following two -sentences that should cause anyone to think: “Beauty is a drug on -the market. Personality can command any price.” - -Complete self-assurance (tempered by modesty of course) is -undoubtedly the most helpful characteristic anyone can have in -competing for mates. The person who has an inferiority complex -may have developed it because of physical features which prey on -his mind, or because of some inadequate behavior in the past. -He may have made poor grades in school or not have been able -to earn a letter in athletics. There are many ways to acquire -self-confidence. Here are some: - - Starting a savings account - Going to the “right places” - Participating in amateur shows - Dressing as well as you can - Owning a good collection of books or classical records - Joining a fraternity or fraternal organization - Taking part in church activities - Buying property or organizing a business - Becoming a Scout Leader - -But one of the best of all possible ways to rid yourself of an -inferiority complex and to develop self-confidence is to become -skillful in social activities that young people frequently enter -into. Learn to be expert at tennis or golf or Ping-pong or bridge -or canoeing, or swimming or bowling or skeet-shooting or gin rummy, -or saxophone playing, or being an amateur magician. Nothing builds -up confidence faster than to possess a secret skill that interests -or amuses people of the opposite sex. Most important of all, learn -to be a skillful dancer. If you can float about a dance floor it -instills confidence in you, and admiration in your dancing partner. -Besides, you will enjoy yourself more. And a person who knows how -to enjoy himself is attractive to other people. - - - - -_Chapter IX_ - -Is the One You Want the One You Need? - - -The average young person considering his or her prospects of -marriage, we find, thinks only in terms of what he wants in a mate. -But actually anyone facing realistically the problem of selecting -a mate should realize that three things, not one, ought to be -considered: 1. What you want. 2. What you need. 3. What you can get. - -Perhaps the ideal in your mind of the mate you want is not only -something you can’t get but also something you have no need for. -What you want may be unattainable in the community in which you -live. For example, if a girl would not marry a coal miner though -she lived in a small coal-mining community, she might either have -to modify her standards, move to a different community, or become -an old maid. - -Ordinarily you might think that the kind of mate you might -want would be the kind you would need. But it often happens -that a person’s desires are based on frivolous or impractical -considerations; or upon the desire merely to “marry into money.” - -During the past several years, students in Penn State’s psychology -classes on preparation for marriage have been asked what amount of -money they would consider an absolute minimum on which they would -be willing to marry. The girls consistently specified more than the -men. The average for the boys is $2,450, and for the girls $2,950. -More than ten per cent of the girls have specified that they -will not marry until their groom has an income of more than five -thousand dollars. Obviously such girls are insisting on incomes -which are more than they need and almost certainly more than they -can get. - -Take the case of Miriam, who specified that her man must be earning -at least four thousand dollars a year before she will consider -marrying. She set the figure that high because she says she knows -nothing about cooking or managing a home so will have to hire -someone else to do that. This man she will be willing to marry must -be of “superior intelligence” (even though her intelligence is -barely average), he must be six feet tall, be dark and handsome, be -a good dancer; he must have broad shoulders and a “strong face.” -He must be a good Culbertson bridge player; he must smoke a pipe; -he must come from a “distinguished” family and must be either a -physician or lawyer. Finally, she wrote, he must be a man who will -put her on an altar and worship her. - -Miriam has thought vaguely of children but thinks they should be -put off for at least five years so that she may follow a dancing or -theatrical career if something should develop. It is conceivable, -of course, that she can find such a man, but considering her -background and talents we doubt that she could interest him in -marriage. - -Often what we want in a mate is based upon our wants at the moment -rather than upon basic or long-range needs. A couple in their -early twenties may insist that each be a good dancer as one of the -main qualifications for marriage. They dance so much that dancing -looms large in their life. But ten years from now, when they will -probably dance only a few times a year, it may be an unessential -qualification while the ability to manage finances may add to the -total family income and help weather a serious depression. - -Qualities that may make a boy or girl a wonderful date are not -necessarily the qualities that will make a wonderful mate. The two -can be profoundly different. A girl wants a date for a party or -dance. She wants a man who can dance, who will be admired as “good -looking,” who will be a “good mixer,” who may be a “catch,” perhaps -a football star or a radio actor. While these may be qualities -needed for a date or dance, they probably will not be important -qualities she will need in a mate for happiness in marriage. Don’t -confuse a “good date” with a “good mate,” for what you want in a -date may be far removed from what you need in marriage. - -Too many times people fall in love with glamorous traits in the -other. A girl “falls in love” with Bill because she loves his -flattery or his dancing or his car or his taste in clothes. They -cast such a halo effect that the girl gives little thought to the -fact that Bill is a chronic heavy drinker. If she could see that -his drinking will probably wreck any marriage he undertakes, she -could spare herself much heartache. - -Some people set their “mate goals” so high that they would rather -remain unmarried than marry anyone below these standards. Years -later they may be terribly disappointed and frustrated as a result. -In the summer marriage classes at Penn State, which are largely -made up of unmarried school teachers, many have confessed that they -could have married when younger but somehow the man didn’t seem -quite good enough. Now, too old to hope to marry, most of them wish -they had been more practical in their middle twenties and not have -had to wait until the late thirties or futile forties to see their -error. - -We know of young men today who would seem to be excellent prospects -for mates--and they actually favor the idea of marrying--but we -would be willing to predict that they will be bachelors. They are -too fussy. They find something in every girl they go with that does -not conform to their idea of an ideal mate. - -How do we come by our ideals for mates? During adolescence and -childhood both boys and girls form in their mind some kind of a -“dream hero or heroine,” a sort of “phantom lover.” He or she is a -composite of all the qualifications they want their future mate to -have. No such paragon ever exists in real life and the mental image -does undergo some modifications as the individual grows older. - -Often this ideal has the qualities of some of the people we -idolized in earlier years. Sometimes the qualities seem to be those -of a favorite movie star, or of a heroine of literature. Sometimes -they are inspired by qualities of an admired parent or older -brother or sister. If you were brought up in a home by an adored -and deeply-loved mother, your “phantasy ideal” may have almost all -the good qualities of your mother. But if you were brought up in -a home where you and your mother were in constant conflict, then -you may be interested in avoiding in a mate all the qualities you -associate in your mind with your own mother. - -People who cling to their phantasy ideal after they are grown up do -so largely because they cannot distinguish between what they want -and what they need. They are convinced that their wants and needs -are identical. Their families and friends may try to show them the -difference but their immediate wants are all that they can see. - -Most of us who are married can look back and can see that the girl -or man we yearned to marry at twenty would not be the kind of mate -we need now. We thank Heaven that we did not marry that one. - -Then what are the things we need in a mate? There are certain -qualities that almost everyone would accept as desirable--qualities -such as good health, sense of humor, fairness, dependability, -unselfishness, patience. And there are some traits that are so -fundamental that we will take them up in the next chapter under -“Crucial Traits for a Happy Marriage.” - -However, most all authorities are agreed that in considering -possible mates you should in general seek someone who is roughly -near your own age, who has about the same education that you have, -who comes from approximately the same social-economic level that -you do, and who is of the same nationality, race and religion. - -Intelligence is important only in a relative sense--relative, -that is, to you. Feebleminded persons tend to marry feeble-minded -persons. While geniuses cannot always marry geniuses, they do -tend to marry highly intelligent people. The average man marries -a woman who is slightly less intelligent than he is. That’s why -many brilliant women never marry. They do not come in contact with -sufficiently brilliant men, or fail to disguise their brilliance -in order to win a man of somewhat less intelligence. College males -tell us that they want a girl for a wife who is “intelligent,” but -makes them feel they are still more intelligent! - -Another thing we must concede: some people have wants which -are so intense that they become needs. We have a letter from a -veteran, a young major. The girl he has long considered proposing -to has everything he wants except beauty. He has gone with her for -four years. He is thirty-one, she is twenty-seven. She is sweet, -understanding, affectionate, is well educated and supporting -herself. She is a good cook and an excellent companion. She is neat -and clean and plain. But she is not pretty. He knows she loves him -and he thinks he loves her but every time he thinks of proposing -he is held back because she isn’t attractive. Perhaps he should -not marry this girl if her lack of beauty is going to gnaw at him -the rest of his life. One alternative--and we suggested it--was -that he suggest to her somehow that she take a course with a “charm -school.” Another thought we suggested was that most beauty comes -from within and that ten years from now this girl would probably -have a more appealing face than many of the so-called beauties of -her own age today. - -In considering what you need in a mate it might be helpful to -consider what are the important things to your happiness in life. -_A marriage will be good for you only if it helps you satisfy these -basic needs._ These needs--after you have achieved subsistence -through food, shelter and clothing--are primarily psychological. - -In considering whether any particular person would be a good -mate for you, ask yourself these seven questions, based on the -psychological needs you will want to satisfy: - - * * * * * - -WILL THIS MATE BRING YOU SOCIAL APPROVAL? You will want a mate that -other people will like, that other people will admire and respect. -You thus need a mate who is adept at getting along with other -people. Will your friends like him and will the mate’s friends like -you? Will your parents think approvingly of the marriage? - - * * * * * - -CAN THIS MATE OFFER YOU SECURITY? This desire for security is a -very fundamental one, especially with girls. It is based upon -the bodily need for food, shelter and clothing but is much more -complex. Will this mate be kind and considerate and give you -a feeling of confidence and stability? Will this mate refrain -from gambling, drinking and other things that might imperil the -security of your future home and children? In short, will this mate -bring you a feeling that you have an anchor that will keep you -steady? - - * * * * * - -WILL THIS MATE HELP YOU GET AHEAD? This involves the desire for -mastery, which is a universal human motive, particularly with men. -It produces the urge to succeed, to excel, to overcome obstacles, -to keep on fighting, to master situations. It is this desire for -mastery that makes a husband take a correspondence course which -may lead to a job promotion. The girl wants a mate who will be -ambitious and the man needs a wife who will show initiative, who -will read books on how to prepare tasty dishes and how to rear -children according to the best principles of child care, and who -will not become easily discouraged or frustrated. - - * * * * * - -WILL THIS MATE EMBARRASS YOU BY NONCONFORMITY? The man wants a wife -who will not act unbecomingly in public, who knows how to say and -do the right thing when other people are present, who will conform -to the customs that will cause the neighbors to think well of -her. The girl wants a man who is not discourteous or sloppy, who -will get to work at the time he is supposed to report, who will -not embarrass her in public by doing things that will make them -criticized by others. - - * * * * * - -WILL THIS MATE BE AFFECTIONATE WITH YOU? We all want to be -appreciated, to be approved by our own mate, to be given -spontaneous tokens of affection, to be told that we are loved. It -is tied up with our desire for praise and recognition. The man -wants his wife to cherish him, to build him up, to show him in many -little ways that she loves him, that she is close to him, and that -she needs him. And the wife, perhaps to an even greater degree, -needs to feel she is important to her husband, that he loves her -and shows that love in many little ways. - - * * * * * - -WILL THIS MATE SATISFY YOU SEXUALLY? There are many ways you can -detect before marriage whether such satisfaction can be achieved -with this particular mate. Beware a person who shows a neurotic -tendency, unconventional behavior, a craving for excitement, an -urge to be constantly on the go. Beware of both the prudes and -of persons who seem preoccupied with sex. Beware of indications -of jealousy and possessiveness. These symptoms suggest that this -person may not be able to find sexual satisfaction in marriage nor -bring it to you. - - * * * * * - -FINALLY, CAN THIS MATE TALK THINGS OVER WITH YOU? This ability, -in our opinion, is one of the biggest single values in marriage. -Beware of suspiciousness, of demands for explanation, of -resentment, of continual criticism of others. These things suggest -you may be entangled with a nagger and a complainer who will -constantly try to improve you stead of dealing with you as a -partner. You will find it difficult to talk to such a person, to -discuss your mutual problems. Being able to talk things over with -another person without restraint--which psychologists call mutual -psychotherapy--is probably one of the greatest things you can -get out of marriage. If a couple have confidence in each other, -can confide their hopes, and their ambitions, can encourage and -stimulate each other when frustrated, then such a couple can go far -in satisfying the basic needs in their lives. - - - - -_Chapter X_ - -Crucial Traits for a Happy Marriage - - -Thus far we have talked about what young people think they want in -their mates and about the basic needs, which a good mate should -fill. But we still haven’t discussed the big question. What are the -actual traits you should have and your mate should have if you are -to achieve happiness in marriage? What makes a marriage happy or -unhappy? - -A few years ago no reliable answer was available. But within the -past few years a great deal of illuminating data has been turned up -by investigators as a result of an upsurge of scientific interest -in marriage. This interest was aroused by the frightening rise in -marital bankruptcy as shown by the divorce trend. - -What are the characteristics actually found in happily married -mates and unhappily married mates? - -Terman delved into the lives of 792 married couples and came out -with these conclusions about the qualities that usually go with -both kinds of mates: - - HAPPY WIVES UNHAPPY WIVES - - Have kindly attitude toward Often have feelings of - others inferiority - Like to help underdogs Tend to be defensive or - Tend to be conventional aggressive - Are coöperative Easily annoyed, irritated - Strong urge to save money Often join clubs only to get - Are optimistic about life an office or recognition - Do not take offense easily in them - Less interested in social activities Extreme in their views - such as dances More likely to be neurotic - Like to teach children Lose tempers easily - Put less importance on clothes Impressed by thrilling - Are systematic homemakers situations - Do less daydreaming Seek spectacular activities - Want to be on the move - Show little interest in - housework - -Now how about the husbands? Here is what Terman found about them: - - HAPPY HUSBANDS UNHAPPY HUSBANDS - - Have greater stability Often have feelings of - Are coöperative inferiority - Get along well with business Compensate by browbeating wife - associates and subordinates - Are somewhat extroverted Dislike details - Are more conservative in attitudes More radical about sex - Willing to take initiative morality - Take responsibility easily Inclined to be moody - Do not get rattled easily Are more argumentative - Like recreations that take - them away from home - Apt to be careless about money - -Another approach Terman made was to find out what husbands and -wives complain about most in their mates. He found that unhappily -married couples were overflowing with complaints while happily -married couples voiced few criticisms. Here are the complaints he -heard most often: - - COMPLAINTS FROM HUSBANDS COMPLAINTS FROM WIVES - - Wife’s feelings hurt too easily Insufficient income from husband - Wife too critical In-laws - Trouble with in-laws Impatience of husband - Wife nervous or emotional Husband’s poor management of - Income managed poorly income - He has no “freedom” His tendency to be critical - Wife has poor taste in His preferences in amusements - amusements His failure to talk things over - Wife is a nagger His failure to show affection - -When Terman had accumulated all of his findings, he devised -a “Prediction of Marriage Happiness Scale” by means of which -an unmarried person could determine his own chances of finding -happiness in marriage. This has nothing to do with the other person -involved but simply tests your own capability of becoming a good -mate for someone. He found what we have already indicated--that -your background largely predetermines your ability to be a -successful mate. Of the factors he found most significant in -predicting happiness in marriage, ten stand out as most essential -to success. - - 1. Are your parents happily married? - 2. Did you have a happy childhood? - 3. Were you free from conflict with your mother? - 4. Was your childhood discipline firm but not harsh? - 5. Did you have a strong attachment to your mother? - 6. Did you have a strong attachment to your father? - 7. Were you free from conflict with your father? - 8. Were your parents frank with you about sex? - 9. Were you punished infrequently and mildly? - 10. Is your attitude toward sex free from disgust or aversion? - -Terman says that any person who has all ten in his favor is a -considerably better than average marriage risk. He gives emphasis -to this by saying that any one of the ten factors seems to be -more important to marriage happiness than does virginity of the -individual at the time of marriage. - -At Penn State, where the first all-college marriage counseling -service in America was founded, an adaptation of Dr. Terman’s -prediction scale is used, by special permission of Dr. Terman, -along with the Guilford-Martin Personnel Inventory I and other -tests. But the main device the Penn State clinic uses in building -an over-all “index” of a person’s prospects for a happy marriage -is the Adams-Lepley Personal Audit, which was a product of Penn -State’s own investigations. This Audit not only discloses your -potentialities for being a good mate, and the potentialities of -your possible mate, but goes on to match your two profiles to see -if you are compatible. - -The happiest marriages, the clinic has found, are between persons -who not only are good prospects for marriage individually but -who have markedly similar personalities. The clinic calls this -compatibility. It has found that _opposites_ may attract each -other but it is the _likes_ who achieve the happiest marriages -together. - -In the process of perfecting this Audit, the clinic not only tested -it on thousands of persons and couples but followed up hundreds -of those couples who later married, to find out how well the -predictions bore up after the couple had been living with each -other a year or so as man and wife. (They bore up very well indeed.) - -Now the clinic believes it knows just what traits are crucial for -men to possess and what ones are crucial for women. (They sometimes -differ.) - -The Audit measures you for nine separate and distinct traits of -personality--sociability, conformity, tranquillity, dependability, -stability, idealism, steadiness, flexibility, and seriousness. A -personality trait has two extremes, just as height has the two -extremes of tallness and shortness. These are the opposite poles -for the nine traits just listed: - - Reserved--Sociable Bold--Fearful - Agreeable--Nonconforming Broadminded--Idealistic - Tranquil--Irritable Calm--Emotional - Dependable--Evasive Rigid--Flexible - Thoughtful--Frivolous - -Let’s consider these nine traits, and their significance when found -in a mate. (You can also apply them to yourself.) - - * * * * * - -TRAIT I. IS HE RESERVED OR SOCIABLE? Another way to put it is -this: “Is he introverted or extroverted?” The reserved person is -usually quiet, ambitious, serious, agreeable with intimates and -confines his socializing to close friends. Sociable or extroverted -people are extremely social and aggressive. They are talkative -and carefree and sometimes show little regard for other people’s -rights. They are the “glad-handers.” Perhaps the man is a salesman, -or the girl is a sorority president. - -The Penn State investigators found, surprisingly, that the happily -married men tended to be just a bit more impulsive, to be more -sociable, to be more talkative and to have broader interests than -did unhappily married men. Women on the other hand could tend to -be either reserved or sociable and still be happy, as long as they -were not extreme introverts or extreme extroverts. - - * * * * * - -TRAIT II. IS HE AN AGREEABLE SORT, OR IS HE AN “INDIVIDUALIST”? The -agreeable person tends to conform to the norms set by society. He -is usually poised, coöperative, can concentrate easily and tends to -wholesome recreations. The individualist enjoys the idea of being -“different,” is apt to hurt people’s feelings by his brusqueness -and impatience with things that bore or irritate him. In extreme -cases he is bullheaded and argumentative. - - * * * * * - -TRAIT III. IS HE TRANQUIL OR IRRITABLE? The tranquil person has an -even disposition, works methodically, is patient, gets along well -with folks. The irritable person tends to “fly off the handle,” to -be easily annoyed, to find fault, to be erratic and peevish. - -For men tranquillity is a _crucial_ trait, the Penn State -investigators found. The happily married man is less easily -annoyed, less irritable, less peevish, less critical than the -unhappily married man. To a girl this means she should be careful -about marrying a man who is irritable. While it is desirable for -the girl to be even-tempered too, this trait is not as important -for a girl as for a man. However, it was found that when one of the -two mates tends to be irritable and annoyed it is highly desirable -for the other mate to be even-tempered. When you get two irritable -persons under the same roof the explosions soon force one to beat a -retreat, sometimes into divorce. - - * * * * * - -TRAIT IV. IS HE FRANK OR EVASIVE? This is probably the most crucial -trait for marriage happiness that we know. The dependable person is -frank and truthful and conscientious. He gets along harmoniously -with others, is willing to accept responsibility, is stable and -coöperative. The evasive person is unwilling to face reality or to -accept responsibilities. He “passes the buck” or projects the blame -for things onto others. He exaggerates and often lies. He is easily -depressed and lacks integrity. - -Persons who rate high in dependability consistently are the ones -who are happiest in both marriage and their work. This one trait is -at least as crucial to happiness in marriage for a girl as is the -entire complex of traits measured by Terman’s Prediction Scale. -While it is most crucial for girls in marriage, it is also crucial -for men. For a girl it is unquestionably the most crucial trait we -know. - -This means that in considering any possible mate you should be -particularly careful to notice whether he or she is dependable or -not dependable. Does he keep appointments, tell the truth and work -conscientiously? - - * * * * * - -TRAIT V. IS HE BOLD OR FEARFUL? The “bold” person is confident -to the point of cocksureness. He is willing to carry out -responsibilities, usually is carefree, stable, self-sufficient, -and a bit dominant. The unstable, or fearful, person is shy and -changeable. He may seem withdrawn and rarely evinces qualities of -leadership. - -This trait is crucial for women and fairly important for men. A -woman, to have a happy marriage, needs to show strong indications -of stability, because in running her household alone she must be -self-assured and independent in emergencies when outside help isn’t -available. A man should beware a woman who is exceedingly nervous -or fearful, jittery or afraid. For the man it is important that he -be fairly stable, but without being reckless. - - * * * * * - -TRAIT VI. IS HE BROADMINDED OR IDEALISTIC? The broadminded person -is tolerant, flexible, practical, realistic. His temperament tends -to be pleasant and smooth. The idealistic person shows strong -attitudes. Prejudice, often disguised as “high” standards, may be -present. Inferiority and peevishness are often found here. - -Stop and think. The girl you want to marry is the one you hope will -be the mother of your children. You want her to instill reasonably -high standards and ideals in the children. You want her to be -conventional and not do things that will bring criticism. The -happiest marriages are those in which the wife has high standards -and ideals but not ones that are so stiff and unyielding that she -can never see any justification for a slip-up now and then. Unhappy -marriages are those where the wives have standards that are very -low and who behave in unconventional or questionable ways. Our -society encourages higher standards and ideals for women than it -does for men. The man can be tolerant and easygoing but should have -standards sufficiently high so that he considers it important to -be faithful to his wife, and does not waste his money in drink or -gambling. - - * * * * * - -TRAIT VII. IS HE CALM OR EMOTIONAL? Calm persons have “normal” ways -of thinking. Their feelings are not intense. Persons whose work -requires objectivity and courage--such as surgeons and military -leaders--score high at this level. Emotional people, in contrast, -usually think in unorthodox ways. They are usually sensitive. Their -feelings are volatile and deep-seated. Interests in writing, drama, -arts, literature are often found here. Individualistic, creative -work is preferred, and the person may appear temperamental or -eccentric to others. Repression and sexual conflicts are common. - -Since the emotional person is intense and usually not too well -adjusted, marriage may not prove too satisfactory. The trait of -coolness or steadiness is much more crucial for men than for women. -The happiest married men seem to be those who are steady and free -of excess emotion. This enables them to be objective in their work. -A girl should be wary of selecting a mate who is very emotional, -who is too much interested in sex or who works in the movies or -other work where there is a great deal of glamour and excitement. - - * * * * * - -TRAIT VIII. IS HE RIGID OR FLEXIBLE? This is more important in -men than in women, and the man’s age determines whether he should -score high in rigidity or in flexibility. If the man is under -twenty-five it is well for the couple’s future happiness if he -scores quite high in flexibility because marriage requires a great -deal of adjusting and a certain amount of trying out new jobs is -healthy for a young man. However, flexibility in a man past thirty -should make a girl seriously question the advisability of marriage -to him because he is apt to be permanently a “will-o’-the-wisp”; -his characteristics are pretty well set. A man in his thirties -who changes jobs frequently, who is not “settled,” is not a good -matrimonial bet. - - * * * * * - -TRAIT IX. IS HE THOUGHTFUL OR FRIVOLOUS? Beware of the girl who -is frivolous. She will be shallow and discontented; she will have -many unsettled problems; she will be worrying about her past as -well as her future; she will have trouble making up her mind and -will seem to be at loose ends. She may nag and complain. For women, -thoughtfulness ranks second only to dependability in importance to -marriage happiness. - -There you have the nine traits. As you have probably noticed, it is -much more crucial for women to have the right personality traits -than for men. This is due largely to the fact that marriage looms -much larger in a woman’s life than it does in a man’s. A wife has -to do the larger part of the “adjusting” to marriage. She usually -has to give up her name, her job, her residence, and many of her -friends. The man can go on pretty much the same as he did before -marriage. The wife must spend the greatest part of her day being -a wife (homemaker) whereas the man serves actively in the role of -husband only a few hours a day. - -In summing up, what advice would we give the young man in order -that he can select a mate who will be happy in marriage and -contribute to his happiness in marriage? Ideally, he might well -look for a girl: - - Who is frank and dependable, - - Whose family background has been such that she was reared in - a happy home, - - Who is thoughtful and not beset by conflicts revolving around - her adjustments to the opposite sex, - - Who is stable and self-sufficient and free from neuroticism, - - Who is objective and free from excessive sensitiveness, - - Who is friendly, kindly and considerate, - - Who is coöperative in her relations with others, - - Who is flexible and adaptable, - - Who is steady and free from emotional behavior, - - Who is tranquil and not easily irritated, - - Who has average to high standards and ideals, - - Who can be influenced by people who have sound ideas, - - Who is somewhat extroverted and carefree. - -All of these traits of course are not vital but it is advisable -that she fit into the general pattern outlined above. - -Next, what should a girl look for in a young man? Ideally, he -should be a man: - - Who is tranquil and not easily irritated, - - Who is dependable and frank, - - Who is objective and has feelings that are not easily hurt, - - Who gets along easily with others, - - Who is coöperative in group projects and likes to help people, - - Who is cool and free from emotionality, - - Who is concerned about what other people think of him, - - Who was reared in a happy home, - - Who is free of cares and has broad interests, - - Who is fairly well contented with his lot in life, - - Who can be influenced by others when their reasoning is sound. - -The big question is how you can know if you and any prospective -mate have qualities that make you good marriage risks. You will -find in the next chapter ten tests that should provide the answer. -They will record your rating on the nine traits we have just -discussed, plus a rating on your family background. - - - - -_Chapter XI_ - -Test Your Mate and Yourself - - -Now you are going to take ten tests that will record how well -qualified you are to marry. Your over-all score will indicate your -chances of achieving a happy marriage, with whomever you may marry. -These tests can be taken by either men or girls. And we suggest -that after you take the tests you have your favorite date take them -too. Then in the next chapter you can see how well you are matched. - -In addition to scoring your desirability as a mate, the tests will -help unveil for you your own personality. They will present you as -you appear to other people. Be honest with yourself. There are no -catch questions. - -If you wish you can get a piece of paper to write your answers on. -If you do this you will not mark up the book, nobody will know how -you answered, and any other person taking the tests will not be -influenced by your answers. - -Don’t look up the correct answers until you have finished all the -tests. After you have completed all ten tests you can then see how -they should be scored. Some of these traits are more important to -marriage happiness than others, and some are more important for one -sex than the other. Be sure not to talk over any of the questions -with anyone until after you have taken all the tests. Now go ahead, -and work rapidly. - - -TRAIT I (Sociability) - - Indicate the degree of your liking for each of the following - activities by drawing a circle around _M_ if you would like - it a great deal, around _S_ if you would have some liking for - it, around _L_ if you would have a little liking for it, - around _N_ if you would have practically no liking for it. - - 1. Introducing strangers at a party. M S L N - 2. Entertaining a group of friends. M S L N - 3. Raising money for a charity. M S L N - 4. Taking part in some athletic contest. M S L N - 5. Going on a picnic. M S L N - 6. Playing games like golf, tennis, croquet, or darts. M S L N - 7. Reading the sporting section of the newspaper. M S L N - 8. Playing games like bridge, pinochle or Monopoly. M S L N - 9. Keeping a pet, such as a cat or dog. M S L N - 10. Attending a masquerade party. M S L N - 11. Performing on the radio. M S L N - 12. Being a delegate to a convention. M S L N - 13. Making long-distance telephone calls to friends. M S L N - 14. Preparing for an examination by studying with classmates. M S L N - 15. Helping a stranded motorist change a tire. M S L N - - -TRAIT II (Conformity) - - Fifteen experts, each of whom had won success in a different - field, were asked to give an opinion of the statements below. - At least eight or more of the experts marked each statement - below as true. Read each statement, and if you agree with the - experts that the statement is true, draw a circle around _A_. - If you agree but only with reservations, draw a circle around - _R_. If you disagree with the experts, draw a circle around - _D_. - - 1. Shows with scantily dressed performers should not be - permitted. A R D - 2. No cultured person would ever use profanity. A R D - 3. The right to vote should be given to persons of 18 - years of age. A R D - 4. No person except a law officer should be permitted to - own a pistol. A R D - 5. No acceptable excuse can ever be made for suicide. A R D - 6. Children owe their parents more than their parents - owe them. A R D - 7. Few people would be better off dead than alive. A R D - 8. Rich people are no happier than poor people. A R D - 9. Natural resources should belong to individuals rather - than to the government. A R D - 10. Parents can decently support and educate two children - in a city of 5000, with a total income of less than - $200 per month. A R D - 11. Parents should be permitted to punish or whip their - children. A R D - 12. Stealing cannot be excused on any grounds. A R D - 13. Anything injurious to the human body, such as tobacco, - should be outlawed. A R D - 14. Highly intelligent people are just as happy as average - people. A R D - 15. The average person needs more mathematics than the - eighth grade provides. A R D - - -TRAIT III (Tranquillity) - - Below is a list of the common annoyances which affect most - people to some extent. Indicate your degree of annoyance for - each of them by drawing a circle around _M_ if it annoys you - much, around _S_ if it annoys you some, around _L_ if it - annoys you a little, and around _N_ if it never annoys you. - - 1. To have stop light turn red as you drive up to it. M S L N - 2. To drop an article when you have your arms full. M S L N - 3. To have to stand up in a streetcar or bus. M S L N - 4. To have to talk when you don’t feel like it. M S L N - 5. To be interrupted when reading a very interesting story. M S L N - 6. To have a casual visitor outstay his welcome. M S L N - 7. To be detained when you are in a hurry. M S L N - 8. To listen to radio when static is bad. M S L N - 9. To have someone break an engagement at the last minute. M S L N - 10. To be interrupted when you are talking. M S L N - 11. To have someone read over your shoulder. M S L N - 12. To miss a streetcar or bus. M S L N - 13. To have movie film break at an exciting point. M S L N - 14. To burn your mouth or tongue with hot food or beverage. M S L N - 15. To be accidentally locked out of your car or home. M S L N - - -TRAIT IV (Dependability) - - Of the statements below, draw a circle around _T_ for the - ones you believe to be usually true; draw a circle around _D_ - for the ones whose truth you doubt; and draw a circle around - _F_ for the ones usually false. - - 1. Prohibition encouraged many people to drink who had - never drunk before. T D F - 2. An unpopular person could often become popular by - lowering his standards of conduct. T D F - 3. People who date a great deal before marriage often make - poor marriage mates. T D F - 4. Students who are always taking the lead in class discussions - are usually trying to get attention. T D F - 5. Policemen “bawl out” people largely to satisfy their own - sense of importance. T D F - 6. People of high ideals usually have fewer friends than - individuals whose ideals are not of the highest. T D F - 7. A person is often a failure because of very high ethics. T D F - 8. The very pretty girl with little ability often is more - successful than the plain girl who has real ability. T D F - 9. What you know is not so important to success as whom you - know. T D F - 10. Getting the breaks is more important to success than being - well qualified. T D F - 11. Few employees would loaf on the job if they were paid - sufficient wages. T D F - 12. Man is powerless in the hands of fate. T D F - 13. People often try to impress others by saying that they are - very fond of “highbrow” music and books. T D F - 14. The law is harder on the poor man than on the rich man. T D F - 15. The good “bluffer” succeeds nearly as well as the person - who can deliver the goods. T D F - - -TRAIT V (Stability) - - Below is a list of the common fears that most people experience - to some extent. Indicate your degree of fear for each of these - things by drawing a circle around _M_ if you would usually have - considerable fear, around _S_ if you would usually have some - fear, around _L_ if you would have a little fear, and around - _N_ if you would usually feel no fear. - - 1. Being buried alive. M S L N - 2. Being bitten by a snake while walking alone in the woods. M S L N - 3. Being drowned at sea or while swimming. M S L N - 4. Friends losing confidence in you because of untrue rumors. M S L N - 5. Walking past graveyards alone late at night. M S L N - 6. Having friends learn about your worst faults. M S L N - 7. Touching mice, rats, worms, or lizards. M S L N - 8. Losing your wife or sweetheart to somebody else. M S L N - 9. Getting too deeply in debt or having financial misfortune. M S L N - 10. Looking down from the edge of a precipice. M S L N - 11. Being punished in the next world. M S L N - 12. Elevator falling while descending from the top of a - skyscraper. M S L N - 13. Losing your mind or becoming insane. M S L N - 14. Losing your eyesight. M S L N - 15. Listening to radio horror story late at night while - alone. M S L N - - -TRAIT VI (Standards and Ideals) - - Indicate the degree of your dislike for each of the following - activities or things by drawing a circle around _M_ if you - would dislike it a great deal, around _S_ if you would - dislike it some, around _L_ if you would have a little - dislike for it, and around _N_ if you would have no dislike - for it. - - 1. A person who brags about his achievements. M S L N - 2. Individuals who always put the blame on somebody else. M S L N - 3. Storekeepers who never make mistakes except in - their favor. M S L N - 4. Extreme pessimists or people who always expect the - worst. M S L N - 5. A girl who is a gold-digger. M S L N - 6. The person who “forgets” to pay his share of the check. M S L N - 7. People who are never on time for appointments. M S L N - 8. People who have little control over their tempers. M S L N - 9. The girl who uses excessive make-up. M S L N - 10. People who cheat on examinations. M S L N - 11. Individuals who are careless and indifferent about - dress. M S L N - 12. Radicals or reactionaries who impose their views upon - you. M S L N - 13. Individuals who are always bored and never have a good - time. M S L N - 14. A person who gambles for money. M S L N - 15. Listening to scandalous gossip. M S L N - - -TRAIT VII (Steadiness) - - Each word in capitals is followed by four words. Draw a - circle around the word that seems to you to go most naturally - with the word in capitals. Mark only one word in each line. - - ------- - For example: TRAVEL boat ship train | car | - ------- - - Here _car_ has been encircled. There are no right or wrong - answers. Work rapidly. - - 1. PAST yesterday forget sorrow hidden - - 2. SLEEP rest dream need together - - 3. IMMORAL vulgar person vile criminal - - 4. DREAM vision night trance romance - - 5. LOVE adore esteem worship yearn - - 6. BABY home future unwanted cost - - 7. LONELY solitary friendless miserable forsaken - - 8. DEBT obligation weight necessary nightmare - - 9. SWEETHEART love engaged wistful lost - - 10. MONEY currency pay lack urgent - - 11. ENEMY foe hated dangerous destroyed - - 12. FILTHY dirty disgusting mind body - - 13. PARENT home love depend strict - - 14. SIN wrong vice guilt black - - 15. REVOLTING distasteful repulsive loathsome degrading - - -TRAIT VIII (Flexibility) - - Below is a list of activities or things. If you feel about - the same way toward them now that you did three or four years - ago, draw a circle around _S_. If you have partly changed - your feelings toward them, draw a circle around _P_. If your - feeling now is considerably different from your feeling three - or four years ago, draw a circle around _D_. - - 1. Pacifism. S P D - 2. Labor unions. S P D - 3. Less governmental supervision of business. S P D - 4. Old-age pensions. S P D - 5. Sit-down strikes. S P D - 6. Socialization of medicine. S P D - 7. Emphasis that colleges place upon activities. S P D - 8. The Soviet Union. S P D - 9. Distribution of wealth. S P D - 10. Capital punishment. S P D - 11. Sterilization of the feeble-minded. S P D - 12. “Work-or-starve” relief legislation. S P D - 13. Need for polls like the Gallup or _Fortune_ polls of - public opinion. S P D - 14. Basing taxation on the ability to pay. S P D - 15. Preferences for styles of homes. S P D - - -TRAIT IX (Seriousness) - - Below is a list of topics which people consider to some - extent at one time or another. Will you indicate the degree - of thinking you have given each of them during the past - year by drawing a circle around _M_ if you have done much - thinking; around _S_ if you have done some thinking; around - _L_ if you have done a little thinking; and around _N_ if you - have done no thinking. - - 1. Responsibilities that parents and children should share. M S L N - 2. Proper training of children. M S L N - 3. Immoral influences of movies on children. M S L N - 4. Smoking of cigarettes by girls and women. M S L N - 5. Importance of regular saving of part of income. M S L N - 6. Use of the atomic bomb in warfare. M S L N - 7. Regular attendance of religious services. M S L N - 8. The way or place to spend your vacation. M S L N - 9. Stricter censorship of books and magazines. M S L N - 10. Learning to dance, ski, skate, etc. M S L N - 11. Punctuality on a job or regular class attendance. M S L N - 12. Getting better grades at school or working for a - promotion. M S L N - 13. The cost of living. M S L N - 14. Life after death. M S L N - 15. Automobile accidents caused by reckless driving. M S L N - - -TRAIT X (Family Background) - - Be absolutely truthful in taking this test; try to be - objective and honest with yourself. Answer _Yes_ or _No_ if - possible; if you can’t decide _Yes_ or _No_, then circle the - question mark. - - 1. Were your own parents quite happily married? YES ? NO - 2. Did you have a happy childhood? YES ? NO - 3. Did you have a great deal of love and affection for - your mother? YES ? NO - 4. Did you have a great deal of love and affection for - your father? YES ? NO - 5. Did you get along well with your mother without any - serious conflict? YES ? NO - 6. Did you get along well with your father without any - serious conflict? YES ? NO - 7. Was your home discipline firm but not harsh? YES ? NO - 8. Was the punishment that you received both mild and - infrequent? YES ? NO - 9. Is your present attitude toward sex free from disgust - or aversion? YES ? NO - 10. Was at least one of your parents easy to talk to, and - frank, about matters of sex? YES ? NO - 11. Were you reared in either the country, a small town, - or the suburbs of a city? YES ? NO - 12. Do you go to church three or four times (or more) every - month? YES ? NO - 13. Are you regularly employed? YES ? NO - 14. Do you have many friends of your own sex? YES ? NO - 15. Do you belong to three or more social organizations? YES ? NO - -_Directions for Scoring Your Tests_ - -Do _not_ read these scoring directions until after you have -taken the tests. When you have marked the tests according to the -directions, then you are ready to score them. Because all the -tests are not scored in the same way, be sure you score them -very carefully. After having done so, then turn to the _further_ -directions, some of which apply to a man, some of which apply to a -girl. - - * * * * * - -TEST FOR TRAIT I. For each item that you have marked _M_, give -yourself three points; for each one that you marked _S_, give -yourself two points; for each item that you marked _L_, give -yourself one point. Items marked _N_ are counted zero. Then add -these numbers up for your _total_ score on Trait I. For example, -if you marked four of the fifteen items _M_, that would give you -twelve points; let us say you also marked five items _S_, that -would be five times two points, or ten more points; if you marked -three items _L_, that would be another three points. That would -leave three items that you marked _N_ for which you get no credit. -Your total score on Trait I would then be 12 + 10 + 3 = 25 points. - - * * * * * - -TEST FOR TRAIT II. For each _A_ you marked, you get two points and -for each _R_ you get one point. Items that you answered _D_ are -counted zero. Add these up for your total score. - - * * * * * - -TEST ON TRAIT III. The scoring is reversed on this test from that -used for Trait I. On Trait III, _M_ is scored zero, each _S_ gets -credit of one point, each _L_ gets credit of two points, and each -_N_ gets credit of three points. - - * * * * * - -TEST ON TRAIT IV. You marked the items on this test either, _T_, -_D_, or _F_. Those you marked _T_ are scored zero. For each _D_ -answer you get one point, and for each _F_ answer you get two -points. - - * * * * * - -TEST ON TRAIT V. Each marked _M_ gets zero credit, each _S_ gets -one point, each _L_ gets two points, and each _N_ gets three points. - - * * * * * - -TEST ON TRAIT VI. Each _M_ gets three points, each _S_ gets two -points, each _L_ gets one point, and _N_ receives no credit. - - * * * * * - -TEST ON TRAIT VII. This is the test in which four words come after -each word in capitals. The first of the four words gets three -points if circled, the second gets two points, the third word -gets one point, and the last word receives no credit. Take the -word PAST. If you marked it _yesterday_, or the word in the first -column, you get three points; if _forget_ is circled instead you -would get two points. If you marked it _hidden_, you get no credit -for that word. Add all your points for your total score. - - * * * * * - -TEST ON TRAIT VIII. The items in this test were marked _S_, _P_, or -_D_. Items marked _S_ get no credit. For each item marked _P_, give -yourself one point credit; for each item marked _D_, give yourself -two points credit. - - * * * * * - -TEST ON TRAIT IX. Each _M_ gets three points; each _S_, two points; -each _L_, one point, each _N_ gets no credit. - - * * * * * - -TEST ON TRAIT X. In this test you were asked to mark your answers -either _Yes_, _?_, or _No_. For each _Yes_, give yourself ten -points; for each question mark, credit yourself with five points. -You receive no credit for any question that you answered _No_. - -If you have followed carefully the directions that have been given -you, you now have ten separate raw scores, one for each of the ten -traits on which you were tested. We are now ready to see what these -scores mean. Using the little outline below, put down your scores. - - -YOUR RAW SCORE - - TRAIT I ________ TRAIT VI ________ - TRAIT II ________ TRAIT VII ________ - TRAIT III ________ TRAIT VIII ________ - TRAIT IV ________ TRAIT IX ________ - TRAIT V ________ TRAIT X ________ - - -NOW FIND YOUR ADJUSTED SCORE - - If you are a man If you are a woman - TRAIT I ____ (Repeat raw score) ____ (Repeat raw score) - TRAIT II ____ (Repeat raw score) ____ (Repeat raw score) - TRAIT III ____ (Double raw score) ____ (Repeat raw score) - TRAIT IV ____ (Double raw score) ____ (Multiply raw score - by 4) - TRAIT V ____ (Repeat raw score) ____ (Double raw score) - TRAIT VI ____ (Repeat raw score) ____ (Repeat raw score) - TRAIT VII ____ (Double raw score) ____ (Repeat raw score) - TRAIT VIII ____ (Repeat raw score) ____ (Repeat raw score) - TRAIT IX ____ (Repeat raw score) ____ (Double raw score) - TRAIT X ____ (Repeat raw score) ____ (Repeat raw score) - --------------------------------------------------------------------- - Total Score ____ (add the 10 scores) Total Score ____ - -Thus, if you were a man you repeated all of your original “raw” -scores except in traits III, IV, and VII where you doubled the raw -score. For example if your raw score on III was twenty-eight your -adjusted score should be fifty-six. Likewise if you were a girl you -repeated your raw scores in all but IV, V, and IX. You quadrupled -the score on IV and doubled each of the other two. - -_Interpretation of Your Final Adjusted Scores_ - -TRAIT I. If your score was thirty or above you would seem to be -a very sociable person, quite fond of the company of others, one -who has very broad interests, and who will probably enjoy talking -things over with your mate. A score of twenty-five is about -average. If your score is twenty or less, you are probably cautious -about making friends, have rather specialized interests, and are -not very talkative unless the topic is quite interesting to you. -It may be wise, if you have a low score, to try to develop more -friends, have more of a social life, and to get out of your shell. - - * * * * * - -TRAIT II. If your score was fifteen or more you are probably a -conforming person, agreeable and poised. You tend to be coöperative -even though you are positive and firm when your mind is made up. A -score of eleven is average. If your score was eight or less, you -may be bullheaded, domineering, and argumentative. It may be wise, -if you have a low score, to try to remember that the other person -has a right to his own opinion and that you may lose friends and -make enemies unless you act more diplomatically. - - * * * * * - -TRAIT III. If your score was fifty-six or more if a man, or -twenty-eight or more if a girl, you are probably a tranquil person -who is not easily irritated or annoyed. You rarely “fly off the -handle” or become impatient; this is particularly important if you -are a man. A score of forty-six for a man or twenty-three for a -girl is typical or average. If your score is thirty-six or less if -a man or eighteen or less if a girl, you are probably an irritable -person who is easily annoyed. You may lose your temper too easily -and stay peeved too long. You should make an effort to control -your temper and to think before you speak, especially when you are -annoyed or provoked. - - * * * * * - -TRAIT IV. If your score is fifty or more if you are a man, or one -hundred or more if you are a girl, you would seem to be a frank, -dependable person who makes few excuses and who tries to face -reality and do a good job. A score of forty for a man and eighty -for a girl are average. If you are a man and have a score of thirty -or less or are a girl and have a score of sixty or less, you tend -to blame your mistakes on others, may shirk your responsibilities, -exaggerate and daydream too much. If your score was low, you should -try to improve, especially if you are a girl for whom this trait -is quite crucial in marriage happiness. Try to be more honest -with yourself and others; be less unreasonable, and stop being -suspicious and resentful of people who do not think and act as you -do. - - * * * * * - -TRAIT V. If you are a man and have a score of forty or more, or are -a girl and have a score of eighty or more, you would appear to be a -stable person, confident, and responsible. You can work with others -or can work by yourself without getting lonely and depressed. An -average score is thirty for a man or sixty for a woman. If you are -a man and have a score of fifteen or less, or are a girl with a -score of thirty or less, you may be unstable, nervous, and fearful. -You may feel inferior at times and get blue and discouraged. You -need to raise your opinion of yourself. Acquire more social skills, -train yourself to be very good or expert in something like a sport -or a hobby. - - * * * * * - -TRAIT VI. If your score was thirty or above, you would seem to have -extremely high ideals and standards, especially if you are a man. -While this is generally desirable, don’t permit yourself to become -too intolerant or prejudiced about others. A score of twenty-five -is average. A score of twenty or less is low and may indicate -that you are too broadminded, too flexible and expedient in your -standards and ideals. Watch this because you are not the sort of -person who should let himself go. Keep a firm grip on yourself, -and remember it is easier never to begin a bad habit than it is to -break one. - - * * * * * - -TRAIT VII. If your score is eighty or more if you are a man, forty -or more if you are a girl, you are probably a very objective person -who thinks like most other people think. You are probably quite -steady, look at things dispassionately, and are neither repressed -nor hypercritical. A score of seventy for a man, or of thirty-five -for a girl is average. A score of sixty or less for a man or of -thirty or less for a girl may indicate that you are temperamental -and emotional. You may, at times, appear peculiar and odd to your -friends. You may be repressed. Associate as much as possible with -others. Don’t be the first to suggest something different or the -last to give in. - - * * * * * - -TRAIT VIII. If your score is twenty-two or more, you would seem -to be a person whose attitudes and interests are flexible and -adaptable especially if you are in the twenties. If you are in the -thirties or forties a high score is probably less desirable than -an average score. A score of thirteen is average. If your score is -eight or less, you would seem to be a very persistent person whose -attitudes and interests are so fixed and rigid that you may find it -difficult to adjust readily in marriage. Especially would that seem -to be the case if you are in the twenties. - - * * * * * - -TRAIT IX. If you are a man and your final score is thirty or above; -or if you are a girl whose adjusted (doubled) score is sixty -or more, you would seem to be a thoughtful person who has done -considerable thinking about marriage and its responsibilities. -Particularly does this seem to be true of women. Attitudes toward -marriage would appear to be wholesome and concerned about making -the marriage a success. A score of twenty-four for a man or of -forty-eight for a girl is average. A score of eighteen or less for -a man or of thirty-six or less for a girl is low and suggests that -you may be immature in your thinking and that you have not given -much consideration or thought to the responsibilities of marriage. - - * * * * * - -TRAIT X. This test measured your family background to see if -you had been reared in the kind of home in which parents and -circumstances were favorable to developing traits and attitudes -essential to happy marriage. If you scored 120 or more, and -remember the higher the score the better, your family background -was conducive to your happiness in marriage. A score of one hundred -is average. If you scored eighty or less, it would seem that your -family background was not one that tended to develop in you the -traits and attitudes necessary for happiness in marriage. - -_Summary_ - -You took a total of ten tests. If you followed the directions, you -have scored them correctly. (If you were a man, you doubled your -scores on Traits III, IV, and VII before you interpreted them. -If you were a girl, you doubled your scores on Traits V and IX -and quadrupled, or multiplied by four, the score you earned on -Trait IV.) After having made these adjustments, you then read the -interpretations and saw how you compared with other people of your -own sex. Perhaps your prospective mate also took the tests and both -of you now know how you stand as individuals. - -We hope you and your mate made average to high scores on all of -these tests. But now you want to know if you are the sort of -person, and if your mate is the sort of person, who will be happy -in marriage. - -Go back to your final adjusted scores on the ten tests. Add all ten -of these test scores together if you have not already done so to -see what the total is. - -If you are a man, and your total is 450 or above you would seem -to be the sort of person who has an excellent chance of finding -happiness in marriage. This is particularly likely to be the case -if you also made high scores on Traits III, IV, VII, and X. If you -made a score of about 350 you would seem to be a person who has -about an average chance of achieving marriage happiness. If you -made a score of 265 or less, you will need to use great care in -selecting your mate and be willing to work very hard at making your -marriage happy. - -If you are a girl and if your score is five hundred or more, you -are the kind of person who would seem to have an excellent chance -of being happy in marriage. Especially is this likely to be the -case if you made high scores on Traits IV, V, IX, and X. If you -made a score of about four hundred, your chances would seem to be -about average that you will find happiness in marriage. A score of -three hundred or less is not too favorable to happiness in marriage. - -In our next chapter you are going to be able to compare your -testing partner with yourself and see if the two of you would be -likely to be happy (if you married _each other_). So far we have -just tried to find out if you, or if your mate, is likely to be -happy in whatever marriage is entered upon. In this next chapter we -want to find out if you _two_ people are likely to be happy in your -marriage to each other. You will have need for the final (adjusted) -scores on each of the ten tests, as well as your final or total -score you calculated by adding the ten separate scores. With these -scores for both yourself and your mate, plus the answers to several -other questions, you will be able to find out if the two of you are -likely to be happy when you marry each other. - - - - -_Chapter XII_ - -Now, See How You Match as a Couple! - - -In the last chapter you--and perhaps a testing partner--took ten -tests to determine your individual chances of achieving happiness -in marriage. The tests recorded your rating on nine important -personality traits and on your family background. - -Now we will see how well matched you are. It is possible that you -can get a rough idea how well you are matched to an absentee person -without having him take any of the tests in these two chapters. -_Suggestions for procedure in such a case are given at the end of -this chapter._ However, it is much more desirable, if you want a -really accurate picture, to have the other person take the tests -and do the matching with you. - -The matching of you two will be based not only on the scores you -made in the ten tests just taken and your total score on the tests, -but also on ten other factors which we have found are important -in predicting marital success. They include such things as age, -education, length of courtship and tendency to quarrel. These -factors together with your test results will present an accurate -over-all picture of your compatibility for marriage, or lack of it. -And incidentally a “matching” of two people is not as important -when both the man and the girl made a _high_ score (above four -hundred) in the ten tests just taken as it is if one made a low -score and the other a high score, or if both made low scores. - -First of all let’s pair up your scores on those ten tests in the -last chapter to see what your scores mean on each trait when they -are paired together. - -Trait I is a sociability factor. You can see how two people, -one who is sociable and something of a gadabout and the other a -home-body who isn’t sociable, might not be well matched. Both should -be sociable and like to go out and be with people, or both should -be fireside toasters, home-loving souls who enjoy being alone with -each other. - -Trait II is a measure of conformity, of agreeableness to others, -and conscientiousness. While it is better for both to score high on -this trait, if one scores low, it is better that the other score -high. - -Trait III is a measure of tranquillity or lack of irritability. -While it is better for both to score high, if one scores low, it -is important that the other should score high, or there may be -considerable bickering and angry feelings. - -Trait IV is a measure of dependability, frankness, and willingness -to accept responsibility. This trait is of _great importance_ to -happiness of both men and women, and it is especially important -that a girl score high here. Both should score high, but if one -scores low, it is quite important that the other score high. - -Trait V is a measure of stability. Our research shows that it is -of the greatest importance that the two people make about the same -scores on this test. While it is better for both to be high, it is -more crucial that the girl make a high score, be very stable, than -it is for the man. - -Trait VI is a measure of standards and ideals. Both should have -high scores but it is more important that the man have a good score -than the girl because girls have been trained to have higher ideals -than men. If one mate has a very low score, then the other by all -means should have a high score. That combination will provide a -balance wheel. - -Trait VII is a measure of steadiness and freedom from excess -emotionality. While more important that the man score high, because -in most cases he will be the income earner, both should make about -the same scores. - -Trait VIII is a measure of flexibility and adaptability. While -average to high scores are important, and while agreement or about -the same scores are desirable, if one must score low it is better -for the man to do so than for the woman. - -Trait IX is a measure of thoughtfulness and consideration. This -is a much more important trait for women than for men, yet at the -same time, marriage happiness is definitely promoted by both making -about the same scores. - -Trait X is important for either the man or the woman, because it -measures the family background of both people. It is important -that both score as high as possible on this trait. It is even more -important for the girl to score high than it is for the man. But if -either mate should score low, it is most important that the other -score high. - -To sum up, it is important that both people make about the same -scores on sociability (I), conformity (II), dependability (IV), -stability (V) idealism (VI), flexibility (VIII) and seriousness -(IX), and the higher the better. If one scored low on the other -three (tranquillity, steadiness and family background) it is -important that the other score high. - -But how can you get a more detailed, concrete picture of your -compatibility, or lack of it? On the following pages you are -going to see your degree of compatibility emerge from a series of -twenty-one figures. When those twenty-one figures are totaled you -will have your answer. - -_Instructions_ - -First glance over these “Do You Match?” tables on the next few -pages to familiarize yourself with them. In the twenty-one blocks -you will match yourselves on the ten traits already tested, you -will match your _total_ scores on those traits and then in the last -ten will match yourself on ten other factors. - -Take the very first item, “Test I.” This matches you on sociability. -Suppose the man had an adjusted score of twenty-seven when he took -the sociability test in the last chapter and the girl had a score of -twenty-four. Look over the five alternative combinations to see where -such a scoring fits. It fits in combination (d) so you should write -a credit of three points in the block on the right. On “Test II,” -suppose the man made an adjusted score of eighteen and the girl of -seven. That’s a big difference. Since no such combination is shown, -write a zero in the block. - - -DO YOU MATCH? - - TEST I. a. Both scored 30 or above, give credit of 10 points - b. One scored 30 or above, other scored 25-29, credit - 5 points - c. Both scored 25-29, credit 5 points - d. One scored 25-29, other scored 21-24, credit 3 ___ - points | | - e. Any other combination receives no credit |___| - - TEST II. a. Both scored 15 or above, give credit of 8 points - b. One scored 15 or above, other scored 11-14, credit - 4 points ___ - c. Both scored 11-14, credit 2 points | | - d. Any other combination receives no credit |___| - - TEST III. a. Man scored 56 or above, girl 28 or above, credit - 12 points - b. Man scored 56 or above, girl 23-27, credit 10 - points - c. Man scored 46-55, girl 23 or above, credit 8 - points - d. Man scored 37-45, girl scored 23 or above, credit ___ - 5 points | | - e. Any other combination receives no credit |___| - - TEST IV. a. Man scored 50 or above, girl 100 or above, credit - 20 points - b. Girl scored 100 or above, man scored 40-49, credit - 15 points - c. Girl scored 100 or above, man scored 31-39, credit - 10 points - d. Man scored 40-49, girl scored 81-99, credit 8 - points - e. Man scored 31-39, girl scored 81-99, credit 5 ___ - points | | - f. Any other combination receives no credit |___| - - TEST V. a. Man scored 40 or above, girl 80 or above, credit - 15 points - b. Man scored 31-39, girl 80 or above, credit 12 - points - c. Man scored 21-29, girl 80 or above, credit 10 - points - d. Man scored 40 or above, girl 60-79, credit 8 - points ___ - e. Man scored 31-39, girl 60-79, credit 5 points | | - f. Any other combination receives no credit |___| - - TEST VI. a. Both scored 30 or above, give credit of 10 - points - b. One scored 30 or above, other scored 25-29, - credit 5 points - c. Both scored 25-29, credit 5 points - d. One scored 25-29, other scored 21-24, credit 3 ___ - points | | - e. Any other combination receives no credit |___| - - TEST VII. a. Man scored 80 or above, girl 40 or above, - credit 12 points - b. Man scored 80 or above, girl 35-39, credit 10 - points - c. Man scored 71-79, girl 40 or above, credit 8 - points - d. Man scored 71-79, girl 35-39, credit 5 points - e. Man scored 61-69, girl 40 or above, credit 3 ___ - points | | - f. Any other combination receives no credit |___| - - TEST VIII. a. Both scored 22 or above, credit 10 points - b. Man scored 22 or above, girl 13-21, credit 8 - points - c. Man scored 13-21, girl scored 22 or above, - credit 5 - points - d. Man scored 13-21, girl scored 13-21, credit 3 ___ - points | | - e. Any other combination receives no credit |___| - - TEST IX. a. Man scored 30 or above, girl scored 60 or above, - credit 15 points - b. Man scored 24-29, girl scored 60 or above, - credit 12 points - c. Man scored 19-23, girl scored 60 or above, - credit 10 points - d. Man scored 30 or above, girl 48-59, credit 8 - points - e. Man scored 24-29, girl scored 48-59, credit 5 ___ - points | | - f. Any other combination receives no credit |___| - - TEST X. a. Both scores 120 or above, credit 20 points - b. One scores 100-119, other scores 120 or above, - credit 15 points - c. Both score 100-119, credit 10 points - d. One scores 120 or above, other scores 81-90, - credit 8 points - e. One scores 100-119, other scores 80 or less, ___ - credit 5 points | | - f. Any other combination receives no credit |___| - - -TOTAL TEST SCORE - - (Total of all ten tests as scored in Chapter XI) - - a. Man 460 or above, girl 500 or more, credit 25 - points - b. Man 400-459, girl 500 or more, credit 20 points - c. Man 460 or above, girl 425-499, credit 15 points - d. Man 400-459, girl 425-499, credit 10 points ___ - e. Man 350-425, girl 400 or above, credit 5 points | | - f. Any other combination receives no credit |___| - -Now score your compatibility on the ten additional factors -following and fill the proper credits in the blocks just as you -have been doing. On factors 7, 8 and 9 bear in mind that you cannot -count as a part of your acquaintanceship, courtship or engagement -any period of time of three months or longer when you did not see -each other, as is the case where a man was overseas. - - 1. PARENTS - a. Both sets of parents happily married, credit 15 points - b. One set of parents happy, other set average, credit 10 - points - c. Both sets of parents average in happiness, credit 8 - points ___ - d. One set happy, other set not happy, credit 5 points | | - e. Any other combination receives no credit |___| - - 2. SCHOOLING - a. Both members of the couple have had education beyond high - school, credit 10 points - b. Both have completed high school, credit 8 points - c. One has some college, the other has finished high school, ___ - 5 points | | - d. Any other combination receives no credit |___| - - 3. RELIGION - a. Both regularly attend the same or similar churches, credit - 15 points - b. Both are Jews, Catholics, or Protestants, credit 10 points - c. Although basic religions differ, both have about the same ___ - views, credit 5 points | | - d. Any other combination receives no credit |___| - - 4. PARENTAL APPROVAL - a. Both sets of parents approve this match, credit 12 points - b. One set approves, the other is not opposed, credit 10 - points ___ - c. One set approves, one set opposes, credit 5 points | | - d. Any other combination receives no credit |___| - - 5. AGE COMPARISON - a. Both people are within 3 years age of each other, credit - 10 points - b. Girl is three or more years older than man, credit 5 ___ - points | | - c. Any other combination receives no credit |___| - - 6. YEARS OF AGE - a. Man is at least 25 years, girl at least 22, credit 10 - points - b. Man is at least 23 years, girl at least 20, credit 5 - points ___ - c. Man 22 years or older, girl at least 19, credit 3 points | | - d. Any other combination receives no credit |___| - - 7. ACQUAINTANCESHIP - a. Have known each other six years or more, credit 20 points - b. Have known each other 3 but less than 6 years, credit 15 - points - c. Have known each other 2 but less than 3 years, credit 10 - points - d. Have known each other 1 but less than 2 years, credit 5 ___ - points | | - e. Any other combination receives no credit |___| - - 8. DATING - a. Have been dating and going steady 3 years or more, credit - 20 points - b. Have been dating and going steady 2 but less than 3 years, - credit 15 points - c. Have been going steady 1 year but less than 2 years, - credit 10 points - d. Have been going steady 8 months to 1 year, credit 5 ___ - points | | - e. Any other combination receives no credit |___| - - 9. ENGAGEMENT, IF ANY - a. Have been definitely engaged for over 2 years, credit 20 - points - b. Have been definitely engaged 18 months to 2 years, credit - 15 points - c. Have been definitely engaged 12 months to 18 months, - credit 10 points - d. Have been definitely engaged not less than 6 months, ___ - credit 5 points | | - e. If engaged less than 6 months, no credit |___| - - 10. QUARRELS - a. There have been no quarrels to speak of during courtship, - credit 20 points - b. Any misunderstandings have been quickly settled by mutual - agreement, credit 15 points - c. While there have been conflicts, no one was so serious - that the couple did not see each other regularly, credit - 10 points - d. Misunderstandings have been infrequent and have been ___ - settled by one or the other giving in, credit 5 points | | - e. Any other answer receives no credit |___| - -------------------------------------------------------------------- - ___ - | | - Total Final Score |___| - -Now, you have twenty-one scores and a Total Final Score. Let us see -what this score means. - -If the Total Final Score for you two is 250 or above, then you -would seem to be very well matched. Furthermore, it would appear -that you two people should be quite happy in marriage. If there are -no unfavorable factors present such as poor physical health, or -inability to make a living, and if you two people are really deeply -in love, then your marriage should be a happy one. - -If the final score is 200 to 249, you would still seem to be -fairly well matched. If there are no unfavorable factors, if both -of you are old enough for marriage, if both of you are determined -to make it work, you should be happier than is the average couple. - -If your final score is 150 to 199, the outlook would not seem to be -too favorable. Your marriage might not be as happy as that of the -average couple. Why not wait another six months? Give yourselves -time to see what some of your problems are. Do something active -about them. It may help you to talk things over with a marriage -counselor, or with your minister, or somebody else whom you trust -and who is mature enough to help you analyze the situation. - -If your score is 149 or less, then it would seem that you two -people should put off marriage for six months or perhaps a year or -longer. You can be sure there are some factors present that should -make you stop, look, and listen. Perhaps both of you are not well -adjusted as separate personalities, or to each other. Maybe you -are of radically different religions, or your parents are opposed -to your marriage. Perhaps you need to have a much longer period of -courtship or engagement. Whatever the reason, you should talk the -matter over with some person competent to advise you. See a good -marriage counselor or psychologist who specializes in guidance. -Talk things over with your minister, rabbi, or priest. You don’t -want to make a mistake and have an unhappy marriage that might -terminate in separation or divorce. - -Of course you can say, and correctly, that you have little or -no responsibility for some of the factors, such as the lack of -happiness in your parents’ marriage. Even though this may be the -case, you have been affected or influenced by the presence or -absence of happiness in your own home. - -What are some concrete suggestions that may help you bring about a -happy marriage even though one of you, or the two of you, may not -have made scores typical of young couples who get married and are -happy? These suggestions may be of help to you: - -1. If you are introverted (unsociable), you should increase the -number of social skills that you have. Oftentimes we find that our -enjoyment from association with other people is increased greatly -when we learn to do some of the things they do, such as dance, -bowl, swim, etc. Try to be outstanding in something. - -2. Acquire a philosophy of life. What are your beliefs and views? -Are you a conservative or a radical in politics, religion, ethics? -Are there some guiding principles in your life? If you aren’t sure, -sit down with yourself and try to figure out what you believe in -and practice. Check it against your own behavior. Do you say one -thing and do another? Are your family and friends rather sure about -what you believe in, or do they have trouble predicting what you -will do next? - -3. Is your temper explosive, unruly, and peevish? Why do you -get angry? If it is because you feel inferior, why do you feel -inferior? Can’t you do something about it? Do you honestly try to -control your temper? - -4. Are you unstable, fearful, nervous? Why? Is it because you -feel you are unattractive or ignorant, or are you carrying around -feelings of guilt and uneasiness about something you feel ashamed -of? If it is your physical health, see your physician. If it is -your mental health, see a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist. -Develop a trusting confidential relationship with someone, -preferably an older person, with whom you can feel free to unburden -yourself. - -5. Are your standards and ideals too low, or too high, when -compared to your behavior? Perhaps you are an intolerant and -prejudiced person who is too narrow-minded and prudish. Are you -critical and gossipy about many of the things your acquaintances -do? Do you know whether you have set your standards impossibly -high; so high that you have a constant feeling of frustration -because you are always falling short? - -6. Are you an emotional person, always going off on a tangent, -never able to keep a steady course? Is it because you aren’t in -the work you want to do? Can’t you change jobs? Perhaps you are -confused in your thinking, disturbed about religion, morals, things -that are right or wrong. Have you asked your friends their ideas? -Do you keep busy? Have you talked things over with your pastor? -Is there some serious frustration always hanging over your head? -Why don’t you sit down, take stock of yourself? It is only by an -inventory of ourselves, accompanied by a searching analysis, that -we discover what is wrong and see ways to clear things up. - -7. Are you so set in your ways that you cannot see that “circumstances -alter cases?” Do you earnestly try to adapt yourself to people and new -situations or do you expect all the adaptation to come from somebody -else? Perhaps you are smug, never have a new idea. Try reading a -Republican newspaper if you never read anything but a Democratic -paper. Go to a different church. Get out of the rut you are in. Listen -to other people’s ideas for a change. Don’t be so cocksure that you -are always right and the other fellow always wrong. - -8. Do you ever sit down and think? Reflect about yourself, your -friends, your activities, your responsibilities? Do you stop -and ask yourself if you are selfish and inconsiderate? Do you -sympathize with others, try to avoid saying things that may hurt -somebody’s feelings? Do you build up people rather than tear down? -Do you go out of your way to help others? - -9. If you and your prospective mate are constantly quarreling, have -you stopped asking whose fault it is and started doing your best -to prevent conflicts? Unless you two people settle your problems -by compromise and mutual give-and-take, your marriage future looks -dark. - -10. Did you get engaged shortly after you first met? In most real -love, an engagement rarely occurs before the couple have known and -dated each other regularly for at least a year or longer. - -11. Are you sure it is love? Could it be just loneliness, a desire -to escape an unpleasant environment? Are you sure it isn’t a -“phantasy ideal?” - -12. Why don’t your parents approve this marriage? After all, they -may have something. Look back in the past--weren’t they right many -times then when you thought they were wrong? Unless your friends -warmly approve this marriage, your parents are probably right in -urging you to wait. - -13. Do you really know your mate? What makes one a good date -doesn’t usually make one a good mate. Although an hour’s enjoyment -of dancing, going to the movies, etc. may be wonderful pastime, it -may be far from what you need in a mate. Are you sure what you want -in a mate is what you need? Are you sure that what you have found -is what you _need_ in a mate? - -14. Last but not least is this prospective mate going to be the -sort of parent you want your children to have? - -When you have finished asking yourself these questions, you will -probably have some good ideas what to do if you and your mate -didn’t make a score above average. Take your time. It is easier -to get married than it is to get separated or divorced, and much -easier on one’s disposition in the long run. You want to marry but -we want you to make a good choice and to find in marriage all the -happiness and contentment that it can bring. - -_Procedure If You Are Doing the Matching Alone_ - -Some readers may wish to see how they match with another person but -would prefer to do the matching without consulting him. That can -be done, though of course it will be much less accurate. Use the -“Do You Match?” tables in this chapter, just as couples working -together did. You won’t have much trouble scoring the last ten of -the twenty-one items since they are based on known facts. Your -greatest problem will be in estimating the scores your mate would -make in the ten tests on personality traits. Your estimates will -necessarily be rough approximations; but if you have known this -person for several months you may have a fair idea how he would -answer the various questions in those tests and estimate scores for -him accordingly. Be rigidly honest when you imagine the answers -this person would make. You can double-check your compatibility -with such an absentee person by taking the following short test. It -is a greatly abbreviated check on compatibility. - - -ARE YOU WELL MATED? - - Here is a final check-list on compatibility, primarily for - a person who took the tests in Chapter XI by himself. This - test, which can be taken by either a man or woman, provides - you with a rough gauge for determining whether the person - you are dating might make a good mate for you. If you are a - man, change questions to read “she” instead of “he.” - - 1. Are you two about equally sociable? That is, are you - both either gadabouts or both stay-at-homes? Yes No - - 2. Are you both stern-minded, with high ideals, or else - are you both broadminded and practical? Yes No - - 3. Does he find satisfaction and reward in his work? Yes No - - 4. Is he over 20, under 40, and not divorced? Yes No - - 5. Is he regarded by acquaintances as a solidly dependable - person not given to excuse-making and sly lies? Yes No - - 6. Have you been dating steadily for two years or longer? Yes No - - 7. Has your dating been relatively free from quarrels? Yes No - - 8. Do you and your mate have much the same beliefs and - attitudes about religion? Yes No - - 9. Do both sets of parents favor this marriage? Yes No - - 10. Did he attend Sunday school regularly until he was at - least 18? Yes No - - 11. Is he in good physical health? Yes No - - 12. Do you two have about the same emotional responsiveness - or warmth of passion? Yes No - - 13. Was he free of conflict with his parents and did they - discipline him firmly but not harshly? Yes No - - 14. Were his parents happily married? Yes No - - 15. Is he free of jealousy and suspicion? Yes No - - 16. Does he have a calm, even temperament, especially if - you are one to fly off the handle quickly? Yes No - - 17. Do you both have a healthy attitude toward sex? (That - is, are you neither disgusted nor morbidly concerned - with it?) Yes No - - 18. Is he a temperate person not given to heavy drinking? Yes No - - 19. Are you two fairly close together somewhere in the - broad middle zone between being timid and reckless? Yes No - - 20. Do you both think you want children? Yes No - - If each had sixteen _yes_ answers or more to the above - questions, then your romance would seem to be on fairly solid - ground. However, after you have taken the test, then go back - and compare the two sets of answers on all the questions. If - each had seventeen _yes_’s or more, and if there was mutual - agreement, that is, if both had the same _yes_ answers to at - least fifteen of the questions, then it would appear that - your marriage is not so mixed that it cannot be made to work. - - - - -_Chapter XIII_ - -Beware of Mixed Marriages - - -The “Mixed” marriage is any marriage in which great differences -exist between the husband and wife, particularly differences of -culture or religious training. You also have a “mixed” marriage if -there are decided differences of personality, of intelligence, of -education, of age, of race or nationality, of social culture or of -economic status. - -Suppose there are great differences. That’s what makes life -interesting, some people say. Differences may be “interesting” but -if they are really fundamental they can form a gulf between the -two mates that will make happiness difficult to achieve. It is -the conviction of the authors--based upon a study of hundreds of -happy and miserable marriages--that the more a man and girl have in -common the more likely they will enjoy being married. - -One of the factors that seems to have great importance in making -a marriage work is the congeniality of the two persons. This -congeniality must be built upon the things they have in common. -The more things they have in common and the fewer the differences, -the greater the likelihood of congeniality. And the greater the -ease with which the two can talk over their mutual problems fully, -frankly, and understandingly. The success of a marriage depends -upon the total adjustment the two personalities can make to each -other. Even where couples are highly compatible far-reaching -adjustments must be made. When to the normal differences you add -fundamental differences of background, the sheer problems of -adjustment will add a severe strain to the union. - -Suppose the two people do bridge the gulf between themselves. -There will be great differences between their two sets of parents -that may present problems. And there will be the differences -between their two sets of friends. No couple lives completely -alone. Two mates not only take each other for better or worse but -also they must take with them the parents and friends of the other. - -Take two cases with which we are familiar. They are typical of the -cases in the files of any marriage counselor. (Their real names, of -course, are not used.) - -John is forty-two years old, a Catholic, a Democrat and had a -high school education. His young bride, Margaret, is twenty-four, -has had three years of college at a fashionable finishing school. -She is a Baptist and a Republican. These two people think they -are in love. Perhaps they are. But on the other hand Margaret -was attracted to John chiefly for his “maturity,” his handsome -appearance, the very nice compliments he paid her, and the success -he has made of himself. She likes the idea that he is a self-made -man. (He is the junior partner in a business, and his income is -about six thousand dollars a year.) John is fussy and parsimonious -in his habits and thinks that going to the movies once every -month or two is enough for anybody. He is not very sociable and -would rather stay at home and read some thrilling mystery story -than go out. He lives with his parents and has specified that -Margaret come and live with them as his mother is not in too good -health. Margaret is vivacious, full of life and energy, very much -interested in parties, dancing and sports. She is warmhearted, and -since she was accustomed in her own home to having servants, she -is careless where she puts things. After she finishes dressing her -room looks as though a Kansas cyclone had struck it. - -John was attracted to her despite her “odd” ways because she had -given him considerable appreciation for the progress he has made -without much formal education. She is the most attractive girl who -has ever shown an interest in him, and he subconsciously feels that -her social position in the community will be an asset to him in the -success of his business. Despite their present professions of love -it is hard for us to believe these two will find lasting happiness -in marriage. They have too many points of difference. - -Jim and Mary, in contrast, are what we could call compatible. Jim -is twenty-eight, a college graduate in business, and is a junior -executive in an office-supply firm. He is a sociable person, -likes the movies, wants to go to an occasional dance and has many -friends among both sexes. Mary also likes to dance, has many -friends, enjoys parties and sports. She was graduated in liberal -arts in college but in addition took a secretarial course. He is -a Methodist, she a Presbyterian. He is an independent in politics -though reared in a Republican home. Although Mary has voted -the Republican ticket she tends to be something of a liberal, -politically. They became acquainted in their senior year at college -and now both are working at the same firm. If they go through with -their marriage we predict they will find a great deal of happiness -in it. They have so many things in common. - -In the last few chapters we have already pointed out how crucial it -is for a couple to have compatible personality traits. Studies have -shown that unhappy couples frequently disagree on their friends, -matters of recreation, the way they demonstrate affection, the way -children should be reared and other things that are a vital part of -marriage. The research of the Marriage Counseling Service at Penn -State has shown that the couples who disagree most are the couples -whose personalities are least alike. Take the great difference of -ideals in the case of the son of the traveling salesman who is -rushing the daughter of a clergyman. She is almost spiritual in -her ideals and at home learned to restrain all manifestations of -affection. The young man is handsome and dashing, a fast talker -and a social butterfly. He likes to tell dirty stories and to get -drunk. It is unlikely that their romance will progress far enough -to contemplate marriage, but if they should get married, the -radical differences in traits will produce a great unhappiness. - -What are the other factors besides personality traits that can -produce mixed marriages? Here are the main mixtures to watch out -for. - - * * * * * - -ARE THERE FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES OF RELIGION? If the couple are of -different religious beliefs their philosophies of life may be so -deeply different that they may be liable to constant friction. - -One German study showed that the fewest divorces were in marriages -between Jews and that the largest number of divorces occurred when -a Catholic married a non-Catholic. In Maryland, twelve thousand -young people were asked the religious affiliations of their parents -and also asked if their parents were living together, divorced or -separated. Here were the percentage of broken marriages found in -different groupings: - - When both parents Jewish 4.6% - When both parents Catholic 6.4% - When both parents Protestant 6.8% - When religions mixed 15.2% - -In other words, a mixed marriage is two or three times more -likely to end in unhappiness than when the marriage is not mixed -religiously! - -And in inter-marrying some combinations seem to be more explosive -than others. Below are three possible combinations in descending -order, with the bottom combination least likely of all to produce a -happy marriage. - - Protestant to Jew - Protestant to Catholic - Jew to Catholic - -Catholics have the greatest difficulties in inter-marriages presumably -because their church takes a sterner view of inter-marriage than do -the other churches. Another factor may be that they are taught not to -use birth control devices (though family spacing through “rhythm” is -condoned). - -Suppose that a Catholic and Protestant do marry. There are -thousands of couples who have achieved happiness in spite of -religious differences. You can achieve it, perhaps, but both of you -should face the problems involved in such an inter-marriage before, -not after, the wedding. If possible one should agree to embrace -the religion of the other. You should also definitely agree on the -church in which the children are to be reared. You should even -discuss the size of the family desired because that may become a -point of difference. If both refuse to budge from their religion -they must face the likelihood of disharmony developing after -marriage, particularly as children come along and decisions must be -made about their religious training. Religious inter-marriages are -particularly difficult when one or both are deeply religious and -feel very strongly about holding to their particular faith. - - * * * * * - -ARE THERE SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCES OF INTELLIGENCE? A wife can be -somewhat less intelligent than her husband and they can still be -happy, but almost any other variations in intelligence are apt to -produce problems, especially if the differences are pronounced. - -Studies have shown that husbands and wives usually are much more -alike in intelligence than in physical characteristics. People in -general tend to select mates whose mental ability is about the -same as their own. When two people of vastly different mental -equipment marry, the less-endowed mate is apt to develop very -strong feelings of inferiority, and the two may find it very hard -to select interests and activities to share. The more intelligent -one unconsciously may develop a superior attitude that may be -patronizing or impatient. - -Another thing they are bound to disagree on is how to spend their -leisure time, the kind of friends that they will have, the social -ethics they will have, and in fact their whole philosophies of -life. The brighter mate reads serious magazines, listens to -symphonies and forums, reads little or no light fiction. The less -intelligent mate is interested in the spectacular radio programs, -reads the more frothy magazines, has few deep intellectual -interests. It is the glamorous, exciting things that appeal. Also -they do not share ambitions. Two such people cannot talk over with -each other their hopes and ambitions, their frustrations. There is -no sharing. One feels aloof from the other. - - * * * * * - -ARE THERE FOUR OR MORE YEARS DIFFERENCE IN FORMAL EDUCATION? There -can be wide differences in schooling but only as long as the -two people’s interests and attitudes are about the same. And in -these days of wide reading, radio information, night schools and -correspondence courses, two people may differ greatly in formal -education but differ little in their informal education. - -However, it does appear to be a fact that the happiest marriages -seem to be those in which the two people met each other on a -school campus, took similar curricula, lived in the same academic -background. - - * * * * * - -ARE THERE WIDE DIFFERENCES IN YOUR ECONOMIC BACKGROUND? This is -closely related to the social differences. Mothers have encouraged -wide differences in economic background by teaching their daughters -to marry “up” the economic scale. They are urged to make “good -catches.” It is only human for a mother to wish that her daughter -will not have to scrimp as she has had to in her marriage. It also -enhances a family’s social prestige if a daughter can marry “up.” -However when there are wide differences in the incomes of the two -sets of parents, those differences are accompanied by differences -in social background which are often hard to reconcile. Added to -this is the factor of acceptance that invariably arises when either -a girl or man marries way above his own economic level. The parents -and friends of the wealthy mate often assume that the other married -for money. That may produce serious tension and create a lasting -in-law problem. - - * * * * * - -IS THERE A WIDE DIFFERENCE IN AGE? One study has shown that the -least happy marriages are those in which the husband is six to -eight years older than the wife. Perhaps it is not the difference -in age itself so much as the fact that people that far apart in -age will be unlike in other respects which creates the strain on -marriage. - -The happiest marriages _for wives_ seem to range from one extreme -where the wife is four years older than the husband to the other -extreme where the wife is four years younger than the husband. -The happiest marriages _for husbands_ seem to be those in which -the husband is from one year older than the wife to where the -husband is four years older than the wife. When all the evidence is -analyzed it would seem that the happiest marriages _for everybody -concerned_ are those marriages in which the husband and wife are -within one to two years of each other. - - * * * * * - -ARE THERE DIFFERENCES IN YOUR SOCIAL CULTURE? Here is a girl who -has been reared in the South. She was taught to be a lady, to be -waited upon, not to work because she would have servants. Here is a -man brought up in Nebraska, reared in a home where his own mother -was hardworking, not only did the housework but occasionally helped -milk the cows and helped do other chores for her farmer husband. -With the Southern girl there has been a tremendous emphasis upon -“family,” on social prestige, on doing certain things in certain -precise ways. In the case of the Nebraska man, little of this -formality has been present. Instead the emphasis has been upon -hard work, upon thriftiness, upon a wife sharing heavily the -responsibilities of earning a living. Two such widely differing -philosophies are likely to produce grief in marriage. The war, with -its tremendous shifts of population, produced a great many of these -interregional marriages. They are certainly not doomed but the -couples should face frankly the problems involved in a mixing of -cultures. - - * * * * * - -Those, briefly, are the main types of mixed marriages. You should -enter into them carefully, if at all. In any case where there -are serious differences of background, the couple should compare -themselves carefully, see just what the differences are, be -realistic about those differences, ferret out the special problems -that those differences will create (as in the rearing of children), -agree on ways to attack the problems and solve them. Only then is -there hope that the marriage can be a success. The difficulty is -that couples tend to gloss over differences that exist. They refuse -to identify them, to admit their existence. They put off facing -them. Then later in marriage the problems can no longer be avoided -and by then they have become so acute that reconciliation becomes -very difficult. - -For example, if a Catholic wants to marry a Protestant, it is far -better for the couple to see the problems that will exist from -such a mixed marriage before they are married than after they are -married. - - - - -_Chapter XIV_ - -Nine Dangerous Characters - - -There are some prospective mates who will survive all the tests we -have given you thus far and in fact look like ideal partners, and -yet will bring you grief every time in marriage. - -In studying marriage failures it has been found that again and -again certain types of mates make a marriage seem intolerable. -We’ll introduce you to nine of the worst troublemakers. They are -hard to detect, but usually you can spot them if you have had -several months really to know them before you commit yourself to -marriage. - - * * * * * - -THE JEALOUS MATE. Perhaps a man becomes excessively jealous because -his young wife is attractive to other men or because she has been -accustomed to traveling with a more sophisticated crowd than he -has. On the other side perhaps the wife--with little cause--becomes -insanely jealous of her husband’s secretary. - -We know from investigation that jealousy causes at least one out of -every five quarrels that occur between American husbands and wives. -And furthermore, in divorce cases jealousy turns up as a factor -in almost half of all divorces. That is not hard to understand -because a jealous person inevitably becomes a difficult person to -live with. He or she is usually suspicious, quick-tempered and -disagreeable. It is hard to love a person who is jealous of you. -You lose your respect for him, and you can’t be natural with him. - -When you do try to be natural he will set you on your guard by some -snippish and unprovoked remark and will question you awkwardly at -length to check on your movements. Frequently he will fly into -temper outbursts or sink into black moods. - -Psychologically jealousy is a feeling of frustration, which in turn -produces anger and dejection. The person is frustrated because he -fears he is losing the love of the mate or fears that the mate is -being unfaithful. - -Jealousy may be real or imaginary. Evidence uncovered at the Penn -State clinic would indicate that frequently it is the latter. In -real jealousy the mate knows, or suspects correctly, that the other -person is flirting or acting in a questionable manner. In imaginary -jealousy the jealous person is that way simply because he lacks -confidence in himself. He would probably be jealous of anyone he -married, because he has strong feelings of inferiority and is -usually unstable emotionally. - -Any prospective mate who is habitually in such a mental stew -without real cause would make an extremely poor husband or wife. - - * * * * * - -THE MATE WHO WANTS TO IMPROVE YOU. There is sound psychology behind -the thought in the marriage ceremony that you take your spouse “for -better or for worse.” At the wedding each mate should be accepted -for what he is with no reservations for the future. - -Marriage is a partnership in the true sense and if one partner -takes it upon himself to teach or improve the other, that -relationship is sorely disturbed. One starts feeling superior and -the other either inferior or indignant or both. - -It is terribly easy for some new husbands and wives--after the -glamour has worn off--to see flaws in their mates that should be -corrected immediately. Their intentions may be kindly but soon they -are continually criticizing and imploring the mate to change his or -her ways. - -A constant urge to improve a mate is closely akin to nagging. In -fact nagging means oral pressure, and when applied to a spouse it -invariably produces discord. The nagger in marriage is one of the -major troublemakers. - -If the attempts to improve a mate are made in public--as they -frequently are--the affronts then clearly become intolerable. -Nothing produces greater resentment. Even if the aggrieved partner -can absorb such criticism without slashing back he will seethe -inwardly and seek revenge for such an assault on his dignity. - -Let’s look at the “improver.” It has been found that such a person -is rarely the happily adjusted, emotionally mature person. Rather -he could stand some self-improvement himself. Usually he is trying -to improve the other either because of his own underlying feeling -of inferiority, or because it gives him a mean, petty advantage -over the other. - -If after reading the above you still feel that your own mate or -prospective mate has faults that could well be improved, why don’t -you try one of these tacks? - -First, remember that if you maintain high standards yourself your -mate will gradually rise to them. Set a good example. Couples grow -more alike every day they are married. - -If you are anxious to have immediate results, use indirect rather -than direct suggestions. A wife, for example, might say to her -husband that she appreciates the fact that he has been more -considerate of her during the past few days. This may be hokum. But -even though he has not been any more considerate, the compliment -will encourage him to be more considerate in the future. - -Or suppose that a man thinks his fiancée shows appalling taste -in her clothes. A frontal criticism would wound and probably -infuriate her. But if he starts out by complimenting her on the -few presentable things she wears, he can use them as springboards -for getting across to her the kind of clothes she should wear to -make herself most appealing to him. Few women can resist such -suggestions. - - * * * * * - -THE “NERVOUS” MATE. Many wives neglect their husbands, and many -husbands quarrel with their wives, because they are emotionally -insecure. They are at loose ends with themselves. In scientific -language, they are maladjusted or neurotic. - -Marriage in itself rarely cures an emotionally unstable person. -In fact it may aggravate his trouble by adding new frustrations. -A person who is unstable before marriage is apt to find that the -increased responsibilities and decreased liberty under marriage -impose new burdens. His frustrations become aggravated. - -Every marriage counselor knows from experience that unhappily -married couples usually present difficulties that can be traced to -the emotional maladjustment of one or both of the mates. Perhaps -the husband flies into a rage if supper is late or if his pipe rack -has been moved. But any psychologist knows such tantrums are merely -symptoms, symptoms of the man’s basic maladjustment to life. They -will appear when he meets any sort of frustration. - -If the wife is careful to have supper on time and keep the pipe -rack in the same place the eruptions will appear somewhere else. -They will appear, that is, unless the husband can get hold of -himself and grow up emotionally. This may require help from an -experienced psychologist who can get at the roots of the man’s -difficulties. - -Here are some other thoughts for easing a situation where one or -both of the couple are high-strung. - -When either mate is upset the other should make it easy for him -to talk his troubles out. Talking things over dispassionately is -a wonderful way to ease tensions. Psychologists now realize its -importance and refer to it as mutual psychotherapy. - -Sometimes the tensions are produced by physical and mental fatigue. -Perhaps one or both mates are working too hard and relaxing too -little. If so they should try to modify their routines to get in -more rest, sleep and relaxation. - - * * * * * - -THE FINANCIAL CRITIC. Money is not the root of all evil, but it -certainly is at the root of a lot of marriage unhappiness. All -studies that have been made concerning the reasons why married -couples quarrel agree that financial arrangements cause more -friction than any other one phase of marriage. For example, couples -quarrel five times as much over money as they do over the rearing -of children, which is a well-known troublemaker. One half of all -divorced couples say that financial problems were a part of their -difficulties. - -Unless the couple is really poor, the lack of money doesn’t cause -the troubles as much as bad management of it. The average couple -should be comforted to know that too much money causes trouble -almost as much as too little money. - -A girl considering marriage with a man who has an irregular or -uncertain income should face frankly the fact that the situation -may become the source of bitter quarreling if the two aren’t -careful. Regularity of income and job security seem to be more -important than the size of the income. Couples who save money are -happier than those who don’t, other things being equal. - -Both girls and men selecting a future mate should be wary of -people who are disorganized in their personal lives or are prone -to carping. Those two types of people are most apt to inspire or -provoke quarrels over money. - -The main grievance of wives financially is that their husbands -are too tight and the main complaints of husbands are that their -wives are too extravagant or too chaotic in their budget-keeping. -Husbands, interestingly, complain much more about the extravagance -of their wives than wives complain about extravagance of husbands. - - * * * * * - -THE ALIBI ARTIST. Beware of the excuse-maker. Alibi-making is not -mentally healthy. In fact it is one of the early signs of emotional -confusion and mental deterioration. If a man or girl sees in -the other during courtship indications that excuse-making is an -ingrained habit, he would do well to break off the courtship and -seek a mate elsewhere. - -That may sound like a harsh way to deal with the purveyor of -“little white lies” and excuses but it has been clearly established -that such a person is a very bad marriage risk. The individual -usually excuses his own lack of accomplishment or ability by -projecting the blame for his failures on other people. Bit by bit -this projection becomes devastating. - -Continued excuse-making gradually brings the individual closer and -closer to the gulf that divides the real from the imaginary, the -sane from the insane. In its most pronounced form it is paranoia, a -type of insanity. - -The alibi artist has little respect for the truth, cannot be -predicted, evades his obligations and is generally not dependable. -The test designed to measure this tendency to alibi, which -psychologists call “tendency to rationalize,” has already been -discussed. The victim rationalizes or excuses his own conduct. -The amazing thing is that this one test is an extremely accurate -device to predict, by itself, marriage happiness or failure. -Investigations have established that persons obtaining low scores -in that one test have consistently proved to be unsatisfactory -mates in marriage. - -No husband ever gets conditioned to excuses for the lateness of -meals, the unmade beds, the buttons that have not been sewn on. He -doesn’t resent the inconveniences as much as he resents the wife’s -constant excuses for failure to show some improvement. - - * * * * * - -THE ESCAPIST. The escapist is a close relative of the alibier, -but somewhat more honest. He finds himself unable to cope with -his everyday problem of living in a modern world so he turns and -flees from them. This flight may be physical. That is, he may -become a hermit or may go into the armed forces where he can shed -all responsibilities for directing his own life. But more often -nowadays the flight is into a dream world, via narcotics or alcohol. - -Heavy drinking is steadily becoming more serious. Many distillers -are even urging moderation in their advertisements. It is not -merely on a moral basis that marriage counselors will warn you to -shun the heavy drinker. As a husband or wife he’s a hard person to -live with. And marriage rarely cures dipsomania or any other mania. -So don’t think you can cure a fiancé or fiancée who habitually -tipples. - -The causes of drunkenness are not too well known but one thing -is sure: the habitual use of alcohol is just a symptom of the -person’s basic maladjustment to life, and not the cause of the -maladjustment. In alcohol he forgets his problems, or imagines that -he has found brilliant solutions for them. - -The person who drinks excessively is always a psychological problem -and an amateur cannot hope to be too successful in tackling it. -Even a sanatorium cure brings only temporary relief unless the -basic conflicts that impelled him to drink are resolved. Usually -very careful counseling of the alcoholic is necessary to uncover -his troubles and help him work out a solution for them. - - * * * * * - -THE DISORDERLY MATE. To be successful in marriage or almost -anything else in life, a person must keep his affairs in a fair -degree of order. You should be wary if you find that a person you -are considering for marriage is sloppy in his or her appearance or -affairs. - -If a girl’s apartment looks like an unmade bed, you can consider -that a fairly accurate forecast of how she would manage your home. -Or if a man is habitually late for dates or shows up without a -tie or with unshined shoes, you can be sure he would be even more -sloppy and inconsiderate as a husband. - -Neatness, of course, can be overdone. One wife we know objects to -her husband sitting in certain chairs until he has changed his -clothes. Another will not permit her husband to enter the living -room--which she prizes--until he takes off his shoes, unless there -are guests. - -Some people are fastidious about the way they dress and yet are -disorderly in organizing their lives. Others are the other way -around. But when disorderliness becomes general an intolerable -strain is imposed on a marriage. - - * * * * * - -THE MATE WITH CLINGING RELATIVES. Statistically, in-laws cause -about as much marriage woe as drinking. Many a promising marriage -has been marred by them. - -In the past six months, more than ten per cent of the troubled -married couples consulting the Penn State Marriage Counseling -Service had problems aggravated or initiated by their in-laws. We -read recently a letter from a young wife who bewailed the fact that -her husband’s mother insisted on going along with them on their -honeymoon. She had told her son she needed a vacation and would -like to go with them. Without consulting the bride he agreed. The -bride lamented: - -“I spent far more time alone with my mother-in-law than I did with -my bridegroom!” - -Living with in-laws at any time creates a hazard for most couples -and should be avoided if possible, but it is particularly -irritating during the first few months of marriage. Those months -are crucial because of the adjustments the two people are making. -It is then that they get fully acquainted, adapt their habits, work -out compromises. - -Any person contemplating marriage shows lack of foresight if he -fails to consider the attachments his prospective mate may have to -close relatives, or if he fails to weigh the chances that these -relatives will ever live with the couple, and the outcome if they -do. - -One little-known aspect of this is that some in-laws in a couple’s -home cause more trouble than others. The husband’s mother, for -example, is apt to produce more difficulties than the wife’s mother -because it is the wife who must spend the most time with the woman. - -The husband’s mother often becomes a rival of the wife for the -husband’s attentions and--as the husband’s own mother--may become -head of the household. - -Likewise a wife’s father in the household presents more difficulties -than the husband’s father. - -It is not necessarily fatal to live with in-laws. In fact the -hazards are relatively small if the man and wife are both grown up -emotionally and very happily married. - -If you do find yourself eventually living with an in-law in the -home, remember most of all to keep all financial arrangements -clear-cut, and abide by them even more scrupulously than you would -if they involved total strangers. Further, don’t borrow money from -them. - - * * * * * - -THE FLIRT. Whether male or female, the person with the roving, -aggressive eye is a poor prospect for marriage. The flirt is -a poor prospect because he is basically a shallow, conceited, -inconsiderate person, incapable of genuine love. - -He will prove a difficult, unsatisfying person to live with as a -marriage partner, because the wedding ceremony will not change his -fundamental characteristics. You will have trouble establishing -a give-and-take relationship with him. Then, when the glamour -of the wedding wears off and the normal difficulties of marriage -adjustment confront him, he will find this humdrum and start -recalling his premarital conquests. Soon he may be flirting again -and you may find yourself with a triangle on your hands. Triangles -are responsible directly or indirectly for at least a fourth of all -divorces. - - -ARE YOU TOO JEALOUS? - - Every person is a little jealous of his or her mate. But - there is a point where the jealousy becomes excessive--and - dangerous. Whether real or imaginary, the jealousy puts you - in such a dark mood that anything you do may harm rather than - improve the relationship. - - 1. Do you feel this potential mate of yours neglects you? Yes No - - 2. Do you want and need considerable attention and praise? Yes No - - 3. Does he turn and look at other girls (or does she seem - to relish the attention of other men)? Yes No - - 4. Do you ever try to “get even?” Yes No - - 5. Is your temper easily aroused? Yes No - - 6. Does it upset you to have somebody disagree with you - in public? Yes No - - 7. Do you keep close tabs on him (or her) when both of - you are at a party? Yes No - - 8. Do you feel envious of certain other persons of your - own sex that you know? Yes No - - 9. Do you ever quarrel with this person after returning - from a party? Yes No - - 10. Has he, or she, learned _not_ to praise other people of - your own sex in front of you? Yes No - - 11. Do you like to listen to gossip? Yes No - - 12. Do you sometime feel alone when in a crowd? Yes No - - 13. Do you want this person to wait on you a good deal? Yes No - - 14. Do you think most people of the opposite sex will bear - watching? Yes No - - 15. When this mate is late do you want an explanation? Yes No - - 16. Do you ever have it out with a person who says untrue - things about you? Yes No - - 17. Would you be considered a “possessive” person? Yes No - - 18. Have you ever suspected that some friend’s mate was - misbehaving and have contrived to let the friend know - about it? Yes No - - If you answered fourteen or more of these with _yes_ you are - a victim of extreme and unhealthy jealousy. If however you - answered less than four with _yes_ you apparently don’t even - love the person. - - - - -_Chapter XV_ - -People Who Should Not Marry at All - - -Every time the Marriage Counseling Service at Penn State has -offered its course on the preparation for marriage, the class has -been asked to list the qualifications they think a person has to -have before he should undertake marriage. - -It was interesting to note that the girls in the class consistently -voted for higher qualifications than the men. We have averaged the -responses of the many hundreds of students and present below those -qualifications mentioned by at least fifty per cent of the students: - - PERCENTAGE - QUALIFICATIONS FOR MARRIAGE VOTING FOR THEM - Freedom from venereal disease 100% - Freedom from feeble-mindedness 99% - (If sterilized, 24% would permit marriage) - Freedom from insanity 97% - Freedom from criminality 94% - Freedom from dipsomania 91% - Freedom from drug addiction 85% - Freedom from neuroticism 76% - Proof by groom that he can support bride 69% - (This includes evidence of occupational - proficiency and at least $150 in savings) - Record of no more than one divorce, if any 50% - -Other qualifications suggested but receiving less than forty-five -per cent of the votes were freedom from tuberculosis, cancer, -epilepsy and fatal heart disease, freedom from sterility and from -inherited physical defects. About ninety-seven per cent of the -students thought that both men and women should have premarital -physical exams that would determine freedom from venereal disease. - -We feel that there is a great deal of merit to the qualifications -raised by the students. With those as a starting point we have -prepared nine questions which you should ask yourself--and be able -to answer _yes_. They are _minimum_ qualifications for marriage. -We feel you should have serious doubts about the advisability of -marrying another person if you answer _no_ to even one of the -questions. Here they are: - - * * * * * - -IS YOUR MATE SANE AND FROM A FAMILY IN WHICH NO INSANITY IS -PRESENT? Except in pronounced forms, psychoses are not easily -diagnosed. The borderline between sanity and insanity is no more -distinct than is the line between black and white. All shades of -gray exist. Many paranoidal persons roam the streets of our country -and in many cases are able to carry the responsibilities of normal -life, at least until they encounter continued frustration which -will bring the insanity into an easily recognizable form. Insanity -is not easily detected unless there is uncontrolled behavior or -pronounced incompetence in obeying normal standards of behavior. -In a recent book issued through the National Committee for Mental -Hygiene there is a statement that one out of twenty-five persons -reaching adulthood should be confined. Another four out of -twenty-five are severely neurotic and another eight are handicapped -by milder neurotic disturbances. On the basis of these findings at -least one person in four is severely maladjusted and at least one -in two is maladjusted to some extent. - -If you are concerned about the mental balance of any possible mate, -you might ask yourself these questions: - - Has he been confined at some time in a mental institution? - - Has he been rejected or released from military service - because of outright mental disturbances? - - Does his family have a history of insanity? - - Is he free from syphilis? - - Has he ever suffered from severe injury damaging the brain? - - Do you know if he has shown extreme aberrations on any - psychological tests to measure abnormalities of mental - function? - - Has he failed to discharge the responsibilities of life in a - legal, competent, conventional manner? - - Has he any record of uncontrollable rages resulting in - injuries to others? - - Does his family physician question his sanity? - -While it is possible that he might be sane though you answered -_yes_ to some of these questions, the odds are against it. You -should keep in mind however that many boys discharged from this -past war as neuropsychiatric cases are not insane and most of -them will be able to settle down within a few months after their -discharge and earn a livelihood and live a normal life. - - * * * * * - -IS YOUR MATE LAW-ABIDING, DOES HE HAVE A RECORD FREE OF CRIMINAL -OFFENSES AND ARE HIS PARENTS LIKEWISE LAW-ABIDING? Many employers, -including the federal and state governments, hesitate to employ -a person with a criminal record. The habitual criminal is not -easily cured. Certainly three or more convictions for criminal -offenses should indicate a personality pattern adverse to marriage -happiness. In New York State, four convictions for criminal -offenses automatically result in life imprisonment. - - * * * * * - -IS YOUR MATE IN FAIRLY GOOD PHYSICAL HEALTH GENERALLY AND FREE FROM -VENEREAL DISEASE? Most of the states have passed laws providing -statutory protection against syphilis. These states contain about -three-fourths of the total population of the country. It is -interesting that about one person in a hundred taking premarriage -blood tests is found infected with syphilis. In these days of the -miracle sulfa drugs and penicillin, cures of venereal disease can -be effected in a matter of weeks. Syphilis is a blighting disease -which, if uncured, will wreck any marriage sooner or later. Anyone -who is in chronic bad health due to other ailments adds a severe -burden to any marriage. - - * * * * * - -IS YOUR MATE FREE FROM USING DRUGS SUCH AS MORPHINE OR HEROIN OR -MARIJUANA? Addiction to the traditional drugs is not a serious -problem in this country but a great many young people have been -taking to marijuana for quick “jags” under the impression that -such jags are not dangerous. Musicians particularly often use this -drug. But it is a dope just as surely as opium is, its effect can -be just as vicious, and it is used only by persons who are unstable -emotionally and thus poor marriage risks to start with. - - * * * * * - -IF YOUR MATE DRINKS, IS HE TEMPERATE IN THE USE OF ALCOHOLIC -BEVERAGES? The dipsomaniac is an alcohol addict just as the opium -smoker is a dope addict. He is characterized by an uncontrollable -craving for alcohol. In some people alcohol produces a temporary -feeling of well-being and elation, sometimes called euphoria. -Because it does, people sometimes turn to drinking as an escape -from their unsolved problems. Bit by bit the habit of drinking is -built up. The person who marries a mate who is an excessive or -habitual drinker in the expectation of reforming him is due for -a bitter awakening. Marriage rarely cures drinking or any other -abnormal condition. Expert treatment is needed. In skilled hands -the drunkard is sometimes cured--if he really convinces himself -that he wants to be cured. But the cure is long and arduous and the -proportion of relapses is still great. - - * * * * * - -IS YOUR MATE INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO EARN A LIVING AND DISCHARGE -THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF LIFE COMPETENTLY? There is no doubt that -feeble-mindedness is inherited. Individual intelligence tests -usually indicate that any person is feeble-minded who scores -an IQ of seventy or less. (One hundred is average.) Even when -sterilization of a feeble-minded person is performed it still does -not seem reasonable to permit that person to marry since he can -rarely contribute to the success of a marriage and often cannot -earn a living. - - * * * * * - -IS YOUR MATE FAIRLY STABLE, WELL-ADJUSTED AND ABLE TO GET ALONG -WITH PEOPLE? There are many shades of nervous disorders ranging -from neurosis through psychoneurosis. The neurotic has a minor -nervous disorder. The psychoneurotic has some ailment--without -organic basis--which may involve hysteria, a paralysis or cramps. -Many so-called miracle cures take place with persons who actually -have no physical disabilities but have the disability in their mind. - -In July 1945 such a “miracle” cure occurred at a military canteen. -A 20-year-old soldier was walking painfully around on crutches. One -of the junior hostesses asked him half-seriously if he would like -to dance. He stated that he would but that he couldn’t even walk. -She replied that she was a big strong girl who could hold him up. -The soldier laughed, pushed his crutches under the table, stood up -shakily, clung to a chair, then to the hostess. Getting started -was difficult and he stumbled a time or two. Slowly they began to -dance. Amazingly the soldier began having less and less trouble -with his legs. They danced all through the evening and when the -soldier left to take her home he was walking perfectly and left -his crutches as a memento of his cure. As a result of a shrapnel -wound he had become convinced he would never walk again. Under the -stimulation of music, and the eagerness of a young girl to dance, -the soldier forgot his crutches. So it goes with psychoneurotics. -They are convinced that their neck is paralyzed, that they cannot -hear or cannot see. Many such cases show immediate improvement once -the war is over and the frustrations and fears of war lift from -them. But others retain their bodily symptoms of psychological -disturbance throughout their lives. - -In this postwar world, marriageable girls will have to be concerned -about the mental disturbances of some ex-service males. They -should be sensible about these defects and realize they are merely -a product of war-imposed frustrations. But they should be sure -that they recognize the defects and are prepared to live with -them. About twenty per cent of all war casualties returned to this -country have been mental cases, and the fighting was so grueling in -some theaters of war, such as the Solomons, that the percentages -of psychological casualties have been known to rise at times to as -high as forty per cent of all casualties. - -A neurotic or psychoneurotic needs skillful treatment from a -psychiatrist or clinical psychologist. A girl should hesitate -to marry such a person at least until a medical authority has -pronounced that he is competent to make the adjustments that a -marriage entails and to fill the role of a mate successfully. - - * * * * * - -IS YOUR MATE A PERSON WHO HAS NOT BEEN DIVORCED FROM TWO PREVIOUS -MARRIAGES? Even a person with one divorce to his credit is a hazard -when he remarries. A person with two divorces should definitely be -shunned, if you hope to achieve a lasting and happy marriage. - -Divorce is not inherited, but it does run in families. It is known -that persons whose own parents are divorced are much more likely to -seek divorce than those whose parents were not divorced. Divorce -is marriage bankruptcy, and any person who has failed twice in -marriage is unlikely to succeed in a third. A person with a record -of two divorces should have his right to marry anyone seriously -questioned. A bank would certainly hesitate to lend a man money who -had failed to pay a previous loan, and certainly would refuse a -loan to a person who had gone bankrupt twice before. - -The couple that marries in haste frequently divorces in haste. Thus -one reason for many of our wartime divorces. Likewise the couple -that takes plenty of time before marriage rarely has to seek a -divorce, especially if that marriage results in children. - - * * * * * - -WILL YOU AND YOUR MATE BE ABLE TO SUPPORT YOURSELVES? This -presumably will mean that before undertaking marriage one of the -mates--preferably the man--should demonstrate through a work record -that he is capable of earning a living. Under normal circumstances, -about one wife in six or seven works to supplement the earnings of -her husband. It is probable that not less than one wife in fifty is -the sole support of the family. The best way to demonstrate ability -to earn a living is for one of the mates (again preferably the man) -to demonstrate occupational proficiency by at least one year of -gainful employment. - -It is also important that no couple should marry without a cash -reserve after the costs of the wedding. Sickness, possible -pregnancy, the furnishing of an apartment and other factors make -some emergency fund advisable. The Penn State students thought this -saving should amount at least to ten per cent of the estimated -expenses for the first year. - -In making sure you are both physically fit for a happy marriage we -recommend that you submit to a premarital physical examination. -In fact some couples like to have two premarital exams, one just -before they become formally engaged, and the second just before -they marry. It seems to us that if physical factors are found which -might seem undesirable to either member of the couple, or to their -families, it would be best that such conditions be discovered -before the formal engagement, to avoid embarrassment. The second -exam would be token just before the marriage because the laws of -many states require that the physical exam be taken within thirty -days of the marriage date. - -Whether you plan one or two exams, there should be one thorough -one, far more comprehensive than that required by law. The typical -physician, in order to keep the exam reasonable in price, usually -examines only far enough to find if the couple meet the legal -requirements, which are primarily concerned with freedom from -venereal disease. Here are some things that a comprehensive exam -should cover: - -1. Physical defects that may be crippling or later impair the -ability of the individual to earn a living or make a home. - -2. The hereditary history of each family should be checked for the -possibility of insanity or feeble-mindedness or other inherited -defects that might be transmitted to offspring even though not too -apparent in the person being examined. - -3. Because most couples will want children, the reproductive -apparatus should be examined to see if reproduction is possible -and that the individual is free from defects that would make -conception impossible or childbirth hazardous. (This would mean -pelvic measurements for the female.) The possibility of sterility -or impotence should be checked and any physical factor that might -impair or prevent normal sexual relations should be treated. - -4. There should be an investigation of the integrity and normal -functioning of the heart, respiratory apparatus and the central -nervous system. - -5. Freedom from venereal disease, both gonorrhea and syphilis, -should be ascertained. - -The physical exam gives the physician an unusually good opportunity -to allay any fears regarding sexual adjustment that either person -may have. At the examination just prior to the wedding, the -physician can give the girl instructions in the role of the female -in physical intimacy. There should be an explanation of orgasm, and -if desired, there can be instructions about birth spacing. - -Even though some factors may be adverse that does not mean you -should refrain from marrying. It simply means that both of you -go into marriage with your eyes open. Furthermore, most physical -defects can be corrected, often even sterility. Much of the -impotence among young men is caused by psychological rather than -physical factors. - - -IS THE MATE A NEUROTIC? - - And while you are at it you might ask yourself whether you - are too. Answer _yes_ or _no_. - - 1. Is he or she easily fatigued? - - 2. Does he or she have many headaches? - - 3. Does the mate often feel blue? - - 4. Does he feel unhappy much of the time? - - 5. Does he frequently seem to feel lonely? - - 6. Does he often complain that he feels nervous and shaky inside? - - 7. Does he often seem to feel miserable? - - 8. Does he seem to find it hard to trust people? - - 9. Does it bother him to talk to strangers? - - 10. Are his feelings easily hurt? - - 11. Does he often have the feeling that the whole world is against - him? - - 12. Is it apparently difficult for him to keep his mind on what he - is doing? - - 13. Is he troubled frequently with indigestion or heartburn? - - 14. Does he say that he sometimes gets so discouraged he feels - like giving up? - - 15. Does he often feel weak or as though he were going to faint? - - 16. Does he often have pains in his hip or back? - - 17. Does he think that people talk about him behind his back? - - 18. Does he think he has had a great deal of hard luck in his - life? - - 19. Does he say that people frequently play mean tricks on him? - - 20. Does he worry about many things? - - 21. Does he have trouble getting along with people? - - 22. Does he complain of being frequently troubled with long periods - of insomnia or restless sleep? - - 23. Does he often appear listless, indifferent or uninterested in - life around him? - - 24. Is he suspicious of some of his acquaintances or friends? - - 25. Are his habits of eating or sleeping irregular and peculiar? - - An affirmative answer to any one of these questions does not - mean the person is a neurotic by any means. But a pattern - of neuroticism is apparently present in the person if he - answered ten or more with _yes_. He appears to be maladjusted - to life. Ideally every question should be answered _no_. If - you feel you don’t know the person well enough to answer some - of the questions, score only those you are sure of. Then, if - two out of five of your answers are _yes_, it would appear - that the person may be maladjusted. And incidentally, how did - you make out yourself? - - - - -_Chapter XVI_ - -Will a Job Undermine the Marriage? - - -The Only thought couples usually give to their respective careers -at the time they decide to marry is whether there will be enough -income to support them. Actually, the _type_ of work the groom does -may produce irritations that may ruin the union. Or if the bride -wants to continue her career after marriage, that may cause trouble -if not handled carefully. - -Let’s take the problem of the bride first. Should she continue her -career or devote all her energy to managing a home? There is, of -course, no final answer. We know of many married couples who have -worked out excellent relationships while the wife continues her -career. But we also know that such an arrangement is not normal -and that it often produces difficulties because of psychological -factors. It is apt to be a blow to the husband’s sense of mastery -of his own home if the bride decides that he can’t support her -properly on his salary. It deprives the wife of the opportunity to -win the husband’s affection and appreciation for her homemaking -skill. Believe it or not, one very important appeal of marriage to -a man is to have his favorite dishes home-cooked and waiting for -him when he comes home from work. If the wife has a career, the -couple usually ends up eating out or eating warmed-up delicatessen -specials. Finally a career makes it difficult for a wife to bear -and rear children, and children are another of the big values of -marriage that hold couples together. - -Homemaking is a definite career, and if there are children, a -full-time career. There is far more to making a home than the -housekeeping end of it. A homemaker is a physician when the -husband or child is sick; she is an interior decorator; she must -be a good cook and dietitian; she must be an expert on clothing -repair; she must be a good teacher and an expert on the psychology -of handling children; she must often be a judge in settling -arguments; she must be an expert purchasing agent because she will -spend at least eighty per cent of the family’s income; she must be -some sort of bookkeeper if she keeps the budget and pays the bills; -she must be a repair man who can replace a fuse, repair an electric -light cord, put oil on a squeaking hinge. - -If the average husband gave as mediocre a performance on his job -as many wives do as homemakers he would be fired. Unquestionably -one of the reasons why divorce is on the increase is that careers -and other diversions prevent wives from giving as much attention -and care to the art of homemaking as they once did. Why do married -women work? Here are the main reasons: - - --Pure necessity. - - --To enable themselves to have more luxurious and extra - comforts than the husband’s income alone could afford. - - --Because marriage is not too satisfying to them and they are - bored. - - --Because they do not want children. - - --Because they want to be independent financially. - - --Because they would rather hire somebody to do the housework - than to do it themselves. - - --Because they want an independent career. - -Virtually all studies made show that the happiest married women -are those who do not work after marriage. In the study by Dr. G. -V. Hamilton, _A Research in Marriage_, only forty-five per cent -of the women working after marriage had a “satisfactory” to “very -satisfactory” marriage compared to some fifty-five per cent of the -women not working after marriage who were happy in marriage. - -Once a wife starts working, she may resolve to stop at the end of a -specific period, but by the time the deadline arrives she usually -finds a reason why she should continue a little longer. Frequently -she and her husband have bought things like an automobile that -prevent them from attaining enough stability financially to permit -her to stop working. She continues to work, thereby putting off -having children and perhaps never has them. - -But now let’s take up the greater--and less understood--dangers -involved in the types of work the groom does. Many wives today -think they are dissatisfied with their husbands when actually they -are dissatisfied with his working habits or his job. - -For example, some jobs carry more social prestige than others. Here -are some twenty-four occupations rated by college students (1940) -on their prestige, with those with the highest prestige at the top -and those with the least prestige at the bottom: - - 1. Physician 13. Farmer (owner) - 2. Clergyman 14. Insurance agent - 3. Lawyer 15. Salesman - 4. College professor 16. Bookkeeper - 5. Manufacturer 17. Machinist - 6. Banker 18. Carpenter - 7. Artist or author 19. Barber - 8. Man of leisure 20. Factory operative - 9. Engineer (college trained) 21. Blacksmith - 10. Factory superintendent 22. Soldier - 11. School teacher 23. Truck driver - 12. Storekeeper 24. Ditch digger - -Richard O. Lang, as a graduate student at the University of -Chicago, made a study of marriage happiness based upon ratings -made by acquaintances of more than seventeen thousand married -couples. On the basis of his findings here is how fifty different -occupations rated on the descending scale of marital happiness. The -happiest are at the top and the least happy are at the bottom. Here -is the approximate order: - - 1. Chemical engineers 26. Factory foremen - 2. Ministers 27. Garage owners - 3. College professors 28. Mail clerks - 4. Teachers 29. Insurance salesmen - 5. Engineers 30. Brokers - 6. Wholesale salesmen 31. Electricians - 7. Chemists 32. Druggists - 8. Accountants 33. Clerks - 9. Civil engineers 34. Salesmen, auto, etc. - 10. Office workers 35. Railroad office workers - 11. Physicians 36. Railroad workers - 12. Bankers 37. Farmers - 13. Newspaper workers 38. Bond salesmen - 14. Government workers 39. Skilled workers - 15. Coöperative officials 40. Barbers - 16. Architects 41. Gas station employees - 17. Large business owners 42. Truck drivers - 18. Lawyers 43. Musicians - 19. Store salesmen 44. Real estate salesmen - 20. Contractors 45. Plumbers - 21. Printers 46. Auto mechanics - 22. Bookkeepers 47. Carpenters - 23. Dentists 48. General mechanics - 24. Bank employees 49. Traveling salesmen - 25. Small store owners 50. Laborers - -One interesting statistic is that while eighty per cent of the -clergy had happy or very happy marriages (as assessed by their -friends) only forty per cent of salesmen had marriages at least as -happy or very happy, again as assessed by friends. Only eleven per -cent of the clergy seemed to be really unhappy in marriage while -thirty-six of the salesmen were. - -Obviously education is not the determining factor in an occupation’s -happiness quota because physicians, lawyers and dentists, who require -more schooling than almost any other group, are definitely less happy -in marriage than engineers, teachers and ministers. Musicians rate -very low, coming between truck drivers and real estate salesmen, -apparently because of the mobility and impermanence of their jobs. - -There are seven types of work that seem to be the major vocational -troublemakers. They don’t need to produce trouble. In fact if both -the man and wife are aware of the potential dangers involved and -act accordingly trouble rarely occurs. But if they don’t possess -such awareness, they may find it increasingly difficult to find -happiness through marriage. Both will be resentful without knowing -why. We don’t advise girls to avoid marrying men in these types of -work. That would be ridiculous. But we do suggest that they take -the job into consideration. Then, if they go ahead and marry the -man, they will do it with their eyes wide open and with a plan to -remove the danger by normalizing their married life as much as -possible despite the job. - -With that thought in mind let’s take up the seven big troublemakers. - - * * * * * - -THE MAN WHO TRAVELS A LOT. This includes not only the traveling -salesman, whose reputation for waywardness has a great deal of -basis in fact, but also traveling entertainers, truck drivers, -professional soldiers, casual laborers, railroad workers, air -pilots. There are also multitudes of others whose work requires -stopovers or prolonged stays away from home. It is the mobility -of the job rather than the fact that unreliable characters work -in them that produces the trouble. Lonesome and dissatisfied, the -mobile person seeks substitutes which create strife at home when -they are learned of, and feelings of guilt with the man even when -they aren’t. Such a mobile person is more likely to come in contact -with other women who may seem very attractive to him since he is -denied the companionship and daily affection of his family. There -seems to be absolutely no doubt that those occupations which are -somewhat fixed, that is, which require little or no traveling, -provide happier marriages, other things being equal. - -Wives can counteract the danger by frequently arranging to -accompany the husbands on trips they may make. Even though the wife -may have children, there are many trips on which she can accompany -her husband. In most cases the husband, far from resenting her -presence, welcomes it because he does get lonely and bored -traveling in strange towns. - -Even though the wife is busy she should take time out to accompany -her husband over his entire territory so that she sees some of -the problems he faces and meets some of the people he has to work -with. In doing this she serves two purposes: she is better able -to talk to her husband intelligently about his work if she knows -the operation and the people involved. This will encourage him to -unburden his occupational problems to her rather than think she is -just a dumb housewife and take them elsewhere or brood over them. -The second purpose is that by letting his associates on the route -see her she makes them more aware of the fact that he is a happily -married man and they will thus be less likely to put temptations in -his way. - -In taking normalizing actions such as these, a girl can more safely -choose a mate whose work keeps him mobile and with less fear that -the marriage will be hazardous. - - * * * * * - -THE MAN NOBODY KNOWS. If the groom earns his income outside the -community where you will live and is seen very little there, he -will feel less desire for social approval of his conduct. To put -it in sociological terms, he will not be under close “community -scrutiny.” Thus he is more susceptible to the temptation of -heavy drinking, gambling, or other women than the man whose job -does come under community scrutiny. Examples of the latter are -teachers, ministers, storekeepers, and town officials. These men -all come into a great deal of daily contact with the members -of the community and thus are more concerned about “keeping up -appearances.” Other things being equal, the greater the degree of -social control exerted, the greater the happiness of the marriage. - -If a girl does marry a man who doesn’t come under this scrutiny, -she can to some extent bring him under it by being seen with her -husband at many public places, encouraging him to join with her -in participating in many community activities, by introducing her -husband to many different people and letting them know the kind of -work he does. - - * * * * * - -THE MAN WHO WORKS AT ABNORMAL HOURS. During the war we came to -hear a lot about the swing shifters. But in war or peace there are -millions of men who keep unusual hours--policemen, newspapermen -working on morning newspapers, bartenders, night watchmen, etc. -They can make it difficult for a wife, particularly if she is a -mother, to adapt her daily routine of living to the shifting hours -of work. This is destructive to happiness because husband and wife -have too little opportunity to be with each other. Furthermore not -many men can change their hours of sleep from week to week without -becoming irritable. If he has children he is denied the normal -opportunities to play with them. All the evidence we have indicates -that occupations which require working late are not as likely to be -associated with marital happiness as those occupations which permit -working during the daylight hours. - -In one case a couple married seven years were on the verge of -divorce within four months after the husband took a night job. He -had become lonely because he missed all his normal associations -and finally had fallen in love with a waitress at an all-night -lunchroom where he ate. Happily the wife kept her senses and -instead of agreeing to the divorce merely asked for a postponement -of the decision for a few months. Meanwhile she got busy and made -a greater effort to make home a more appealing place to him. She -rearranged the schedule of the children so they could be with their -father an hour every day, she began paying more attention to her -own grooming and arranged her own schedule so that she could sleep -at the same time her husband did two days a week. Soon the husband -lost interest in the other woman. - - * * * * * - -THE MAN WHOSE INCOME IS IRREGULAR. This includes all salesmen -working on commission, free-lance writers, small business owners, -seasonal workers, lawyers, physicians, brokers, plumbers, -architects, etc. One fact that has been noticed repeatedly in -marriage studies is that regularity of income has a considerable -influence upon marriage happiness. Apparently couples having -regular incomes are better able to plan their expenditures and -savings, to be neither flush at one time nor impoverished at -another, and are better able to work out long-term financial plans. -At any rate there seems to be a good deal less bickering where the -income is regular. To live happily with a man with a fluctuating -income the mates need to show the wisdom of the Biblical Joseph, -by saving during fat months for lean months, and by keeping an -unusually rigorous eye on the accounts. If they can save up a real -backlog, and can take a philosophical attitude toward the whimsies -of his income, they should have no more trouble than the average -couple. The savings will provide a psychological cushion as well as -a real one. - - * * * * * - -THE MAN WHOSE WORK IS DIRTY OR NERVE-RACKING. We know a farmer who -says his wife is so annoyed by his dirty clothes that she won’t -touch them and won’t let him inside her house until he puts on -dress shoes. Such wives should remember that dirt is an honorable -mark of a farmer’s, a mechanic’s, or a coal miner’s occupation. And -perhaps if approached good-naturedly, he can be persuaded to change -to clean clothes before leaving the site of his work. - -Other husbands have jobs whose work is noisy, tense, or exacting. -This includes steeplejacks, tunnel builders, foundry workers, -pilots, etc. The jobs leave the husband emotionally exhausted -and highly irritable. The wife of such a man will find herself -involved in repeated quarreling and sniping unless she realizes -the husband’s state of mind when he comes home and sees to it that -he has a warm bath and an hour of rest and relaxation before she -disturbs him or approaches him with any family problems. - - * * * * * - -THE MAN WHO FEELS INSECURE IN HIS JOB. Job security, like -regularity of income, is an important factor in marriage happiness. -A number of studies have shown that the most contented and -satisfied men are those who feel secure in their job. The assurance -of permanence enables the man to be serene. When a man feels -insecure in his job he is more likely to change jobs frequently, -hoping to improve his tenure. This constant changing of not only -jobs but the accompanying new neighborhoods and school systems -for the family produce frayed nerves and many annoying problems. -Loss of work, even though it is temporary, brings worry over -where the next meal is coming from, brings in the possibility of -public relief, lowers the man’s self-respect and may decrease his -wife’s confidence in him as a worth-while husband and provider. -Undoubtedly one of the reasons for the rise of the divorce rate -after the great depression was the tension engendered by threat of -unemployment which placed great strains upon family living. - -If a girl marries a man in such a status she should be prepared -to help her husband by not being critical of his work and by not -throwing it up to him that he is unable to get a permanent job. -She can even encourage, and sympathetically help him get some -specialized training that may prepare him for a better job which -offers greater security. Perhaps he can do it at night or by -correspondence courses. Far more men than do would seek to improve -their vocational skills if their wives would encourage and inspire -them to become more competent. - - * * * * * - -THE MAN WHO IS NOT PROUD OF HIS JOB. Social prestige of an -occupation is an intangible factor that nevertheless has a great -deal to do with marital happiness. A man is more likely to work -out a happy marriage when he is engaged in work that is approved -and respected by the community. If the man is a gravedigger or -bill collector or dogcatcher the wife, and particularly the -children, may be sensitive about the lack of prestige involved. -If such a marriage is to succeed, the wife must realize that her -man is performing an essential function in the community. Further, -she should realize that if such a family seems to live happily -together, if they are active in church and community affairs and -lead respected lives, they will be accepted for what they are -and not for what the man’s occupation happens to be. One of the -happiest, most respected men we know is the garbage collector in a -New England town. - -We repeat, the seven types of men we have just discussed are not -necessarily to be shunned as mates. But girls marrying them should -realize the problems that may be involved. - - - - -_Chapter XVII_ - -The Veteran as a Mate - - -Most of the marriages from now until 1955 will involve veterans of -World War II. It is probable that at least eight million veterans -will marry by then. During these years our marriage rate is -expected to be the highest in our history. - -For this reason, if for no other, it is pointless to make any -special problem of the veteran, as so many people are trying to do. -It is true that war changes men, but it also changes the girls who -stayed at home--and for that matter the men who happened to stay -at home. There is no need to discuss the question, “Should a girl -marry a veteran?” because most girls will marry veterans anyhow, -and there is no reason why they should hesitate. - -But what we will do now is point out some of the changes that -occurred while the man was away so that the veteran and the girl -can understand each other better. - -In many ways the veteran is a better prospective mate than when -he went away. He may have acquired some good habits in the -Army: getting up on time, taking care of personal belongings, -orderliness. His horizon may have broadened and he may have -learned to be more tolerant. He probably has matured beyond his -chronological age. He has learned a great deal about loyalty to a -cause, perseverance and patience, all of which will help make him a -better mate. Often he has achieved a needed emotional independence -from home and mother. He has become practical and very realistic. - -Most important of all, perhaps, he learned while away to appreciate -the value of marriage and the home. He yearns more than anything -to settle down in some quiet place with a nice girl and raise a -family. He has had enough running around and being at loose ends. - -The veteran, of course, has lost and gained certain skills, he may -seem crude and he may appear to have lower ideals and standards. -He worries a great deal about the future, is somewhat unsure of -himself in some civilian situations. Ernie Pyle the late, famed war -correspondent pointed out some of these changes when he wrote: - - Our men can’t make the change from normal civilians into - warriors and remain the same people. Even if they were - away from you under normal circumstances ... they would - not come home just as you knew them.... They are bound to - be different people from those you sent away.... They are - rougher.... Killing is a rough business.... Language has - changed from mere profanity to obscenity.... They miss - women.... They expressed longings.... Their whole conduct - show their need for female companionship.... Money value - means nothing to them.... A man learns to get what he needs - by “requisitioning.” It isn’t stealing, it’s the only way to - acquire certain things.... War puts old virtues in a changed - light. We shall have to relearn a simple fundamental or two - when things get back to normal. - -The standards of fighting men are those of men living without -women, of men who have lost many of the moral values of our normal -living. If they hadn’t lost them they wouldn’t have been good -killers. Some of them have feelings of guilt and remorse from cheap -women they have known. Others are shy and withdrawn because they -have had long periods of isolation away from women. - -As a result of the war many veterans have open or subconscious -conflicts involving weakened morals, shattered values, duties -to others, “debt” the government owes them, opportunities they -have missed, war injuries or handicaps they incurred. They are -bothered about whether to return to school ... whether to go back -to the “old” sweetheart ... whether to remain in the Army. Some -have feelings of inferiority as they try to make their way into a -strange world or return to an almost forgotten world. In the Army -or Navy they learned to let others take the responsibilities and -the initiative. They made fun of the “eager beavers” and learned -to regard “goldbricking” (evading hard work) as a virtue. But in -civilian life, ambition and hard work are two of the great virtues. - -In addition to all these issues to worry them, they face the job -of deciding what to do. In one survey of soldiers, about seven -per cent said they would return to school on a full-time schedule -with or without government aid. Another twenty-eight per cent said -they would go back to school if government aid was provided. That -makes thirty-five per cent who hope to go to school. (But many of -them probably won’t.) Most of these hoping to return were under -twenty-five. About half of all the men hoped to return to their old -job or to a new job in their same community. - -The average veteran has four alternatives of action: He can go -back to school; he can go back to his old or a similar job; he can -go into a job for the first time; he can select a new field of -work. Most of them want a vacation, a wife, and a job, though not -necessarily in that order. - -Some of the men will have feelings of insecurity. Some of them have -never worked before. They are asking themselves: Can I get a job? -Will my old job be waiting for me? (This particularly disturbs men -who are being released relatively late.) Is my girl going to marry -me? Was she loyal to me while I was gone? - -If you are a girl considering the possibility of marrying a -veteran, here are thoughts you might keep in mind. - - --You must assume he is a normal person and treat him like - one. Even if he doesn’t seem to be he should make the - adjustment to civilian life within a few months. - - --Don’t confess any “misdeeds” of your own--they will only - upset him and add nothing either to the present adjustment or - future happiness. - - --Talk out your problem, your futures, carefully and - in detail. This will help both of you be sure of the - responsibilities you face in marriage and will cause both - of you to plan systematically and not haphazardly about the - future. - - --If you agree to marry, go ahead and be married in church - with a conventional ceremony with all the trimmings. Unless - he is terribly opposed, don’t be contented with less than a - church or home wedding with the friends and families of both - present. Studies have shown that marriages that took place - within the sanctity of the church tend to be happier than - those that do not. - - --In dealing with him during the first few weeks don’t - tell him what to do or where to go. Make him feel relaxed, - encourage him to wait on you, make him feel useful. - -If you are a returning veteran you should accept the fact that you -are going to find your girls different from when you left. And -it won’t be all aging. They have been working in greater numbers -than ever before and on the surface are more independent. In -spite of this, remember that girls want to be treated gently and -considerately. They still love soft lights and sweet music, they -want to hear your compliments, they want that tender good-night -kiss if they like you, and that romantic conversational interplay. - -You must not forget that you have been away a long time. You may -find your feminine psychology rusty. Girls are still soft and -sentimental, still wanting to be made love to, still wanting -to marry and make homes and have your children. Don’t let the -inhumanity of war make you cynical. Such an attitude would keep you -from finding the mate with whom you can be happy. - -Will you pick your mate or will she pick you? Because of the -surplus of women over men now you can do the picking. You don’t -have as much ground for wondering whether you will marry as the -girls do. But will you pick your own mate? Probably not. It has -been said: “A man rushes after a woman until she catches him.” - -Actually, picking a mate nowadays is a mutual process; both of you -pick each other. It is a complicated process and probably neither -of you knows quite what is going on. Part of the time one of you -may be more aware of what is going on than the other; part of the -time neither of you is sure. - -What kind of a mate should you look for? These things have been -covered in detail in previous chapters. However here are a few -thoughts that take on particular pertinence when applied to -veterans. Ask yourself: - -Will she make me a good wife? Can she cook, sew, run a home? -Is she the sort of girl I would like to have as a mother of my -children? Will she wear well? Don’t pick her just because she is -glamorous because glamour and good looks are largely cosmetic -processes anyway. Is she selfish or is she considerate of me and my -well-being? What are her good traits? What are her poor traits? - -Don’t marry a girl who has traits that are opposite of your own -unless she is opposite only in good traits which you lack. For -example, if your own parents were unhappily married, pick a girl -whose parents were happily married. If you feel unsure of yourself, -pick a reliant, confident girl. If you are quite irritable, be sure -to get a mate who is definitely tranquil. - -What about the men who have been physically or mentally hurt by the -war? Should a girl shun a man who has a war injury? - -In World War II, which lasted some forty-four months, casualties -of one sort or another exceeded one million men, with nearly three -hundred thousand lives lost and with fifteen thousand veterans -losing an arm or leg or more members of his body. - -To learn how girls would feel toward marrying injured men, the -senior author asked five hundred girls whether they would marry -veterans with any of thirty-three different types of war injuries. -The injuries included such things as loss of speech, loss of two -eyes, complete deafness, recurrent malaria, loss of hair and -eyebrows due to burns, several fingers missing, injuries to head -including replaced nose, ear, teeth and jaw. Many of the girls -queried were engaged to servicemen. - -It was interesting to note that older girls showed a greater -willingness to marry injured men than the younger girls. This may -be due to the fact that the older girls are more concerned about -their chances of marrying. Also, engaged girls showed a greater -willingness than unengaged girls. The reason for this may be that -engaged girls know the capabilities of their fiancés and can see -how their men could be successful at a job and marriage in spite of -an injury. - -Of the thirty-three injuries, only four were checked by the -majority of engaged girls as serious enough to impel them to -withdraw from their engagements. Those four, in order were: - - Impotence - - Loss of both arms in such a way that they can’t be replaced with - artificial arms - - Mental unbalance requiring institutional confinement for several - months or longer - - Loss of both legs so that they are not replaceable. - -While, as you notice, these fiancées felt extremely reluctant -to marry a man who had lost his sexual potency, only a small -proportion (16%) would refuse to marry an ex-soldier who had become -sterile. Inasmuch as most of the engaged girls would not marry a -man who had become sexually impotent it is clearly evident that -sexual activity is regarded in a far different light than having -children. Most of the girls would marry if they could have sex even -though there were no possibility of conceiving children. - -When the unengaged girls were queried, eight injuries were listed -by the majority, including the four mentioned by the engaged girls. -The additional four were: - - Loss of speech - - Loss of one leg and one arm, when neither is replaceable - - General permanent bad health - - Mental instability that requires no institutionalizing. - -It was interesting to note that neither group showed a majority -opposing blindness. Also, note that these girls listed loss of -limbs only where they were not replaceable. Most girls professed -willingness to marry men if their lost limbs could be replaced -by artificial ones. All of the girls seem to have been deeply -impressed by the progress made in rehabilitating the injured. Many -had seen the amazing results with their own eyes and so had lost -their fears about marrying men with such injuries. - -Probably seventy-five thousand returning veterans may have hearing -impairments. But with hearing aids or lip-reading, most of these -men can be fairly normal within a few months. - -Even though a girl hesitates about marrying an impotent man, much -of impotence is psychologically caused and if so is curable. -Furthermore the newer sex hormones science has discovered are -wonder workers. - -Here are a couple of precautions that should be observed in -marriages involving injured men: - - --No girl should marry a veteran because of pity. It should - be for love. - - --No veteran should hesitate to marry just because he has - a defect, providing the two love each other, one of them - (preferably he) can make a living, and providing they have - discussed the handicap and both understand its nature and - limitations. - - --They should give themselves a waiting period, just as any - other two people who have been separated should do, for say - six months before marrying. - - --Remember that few people are one hundred per cent perfect - physically. Under usual conditions, eighteen per cent of our - working population has a definite physical defect or chronic - disease. Of our war handicapped, it is believed that some - eighty per cent can be placed, by careful selection of jobs, - in work where they can be happy and just as productive in - that particular job as they would be without the handicap. - Another twelve or thirteen per cent will need rehabilitation - before such placement can be made. Another five per cent will - need extensive rehabilitation and even then will have to be - placed in “sheltered” work. - -What about the psychological casualties of war? Here we do have -a real problem. Before the end of the war a third of the Army’s -discharges were psychoneurotic cases of one form or another. But -you should also remember that about one-sixth of the men rejected -by the draft, the 4-_F_’s, were rejected for neuropsychiatric -reasons. The fact is that close to one-fourth of all the single men -in this country are maladjusted to some extent. This helps explain -the terrific rise in the rate of divorce. - -Psychoneurosis is a broad term covering “combat fatigue,” “war -nerves,” ulcers and other psychosomatic disturbances. In World -War I it was misleadingly referred to as “shell shock.” Don’t -feel there is something lacking in a veteran who suffered a -psychological breakdown because the facts show that unskilled -“bad eggs” are less likely to break down than the men who had -good records in clerical or skilled jobs in civilian life and -were exemplary in their military conduct. Some of the factors -producing breakdown in war service were long-continued tension, -repeated expectancy of injury or death, terrifying experiences, -loss of comrades in war from battle, excessive physical fatigue, -insufficient sleep. - -Perhaps it would help you to understand the psychoneurotic if we -explained just how these breakdowns occur. Try to bear in mind -that all of us have a breaking point, which varies from person -to person. This breaking point is a “frustration climax” and is -reached whenever the person has so many frustrations piled on -him that he can no longer endure them. The ability to take it is -frustration tolerance. Any one of us can break if the frustrations -are intense enough and long continued. So when the soldier breaks, -it simply means that his frustrations have been more than he can -bear. It is nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to be hidden. In -a war the soldier is constantly exposed to the threat of death, -and never seeing his loved ones again. But in civilian life, death -does not constantly threaten him and normally he is not so beset by -frustrations. - -Immediately after the 1918 Armistice was signed, thousands of -soldiers who seemed to be neurotic, shellshocked, etc., recovered -very quickly. Why? Because their lives were no longer threatened, -they could return home and were relieved from the noise of battle -and the emotional upheavals of seeing comrades shot down. - -What does all this tell you? Simply this. When such a veteran comes -home he may seem strange and nervous. He may be cynical about girls -and disgusted with things in general. He may even break out in -tears occasionally and will gripe a great deal. But he usually will -return to normal soon. It may take a month, three months, even six -months. If you are his girl just be patient. Don’t make him talk, -don’t ask him for harrowing details of battle. Encourage him to -get plenty to eat, sleep and rest. Don’t drag him around and show -him off. Give him lots of love and affection. Keep him busy and -occupied when he is in the mood. In short, be natural with him, but -don’t pamper him too much or too long. - -As for marriage, there is no reason why he shouldn’t marry. He -will usually make a perfectly normal husband if he isn’t exposed -to new, continued frustrations. If he is still unsettled certainly -don’t marry yet because marriage, and the responsibilities marriage -involves, will certainly not help him. The best procedure would be -to wait at least six months and then marry--unless his doctor or -psychologist advises against it. - - - - -_Chapter XVIII_ - -So You Agree to Marry: What Next? - - -We presume there are still young men who get down on their knees -and make formal proposals but we aren’t personally acquainted with -them. The average couple today goes about it more casually. In the -course of a conversation they may discuss marriage and find that -both like the idea. - -Perhaps the old way was better. At least it was clear-cut. Nowadays -a girl often cannot be quite sure whether she is engaged or not. -The young man may talk good-naturedly about “When we get married” -or may give her his wings or fraternity pin without exactly -explaining what the symbol is to mean. Most girls tell us they have -been engaged two or three times. Perhaps this vagueness is one -reason why they fall in and out of engagements. - -When is a couple engaged? According to our thinking, two people are -not engaged until they definitely agree that they want to marry -each other ... not until they inform their friends and if possible -their respective parents that they intend to marry ... and not -until the man gives the girl some symbol to display that will tell -the world she is engaged and off the marriage market. - -Four out of five men who become definitely engaged give their -fiancées an engagement ring and that is probably most practical -because a ring has been the one accepted, universal symbol of -betrothal for more than twenty-five hundred years. Originally the -symbolism was less subtle. The ring originated in the days of -marriage by capture when the ankles or wrist of the girl were bound -with sweetgrass. As the bindings became purely symbolic only the -finger was tied up, with an engagement ring. If you decide on a -diamond ring (and more than three-fourths of couples do) they range -in price from a few dollars to many thousands of dollars. According -to one of the women’s magazines, more than half the engaged girls -get diamond rings costing about fifty dollars. - -Whatever the symbol adopted, it should serve the purpose of taking -the couple “out of circulation” and to provide exclusiveness for -each other. That is one of the basic conditions of an engagement. -Exceptions can be made if the man is away for a prolonged period, -but as a rule there should be no extra-curricular dating. - -Here are some of the purposes that an engagement should serve in -addition to taking you out of circulation: - - --Engagement provides a period of deepening love and - affection during which there is an awakening of sexual - feelings which will make the couple yearn for the full - intimacy which marriage permits. - - --It serves as a period of planning for the future during - which the two plan when they will be married, the kind of - wedding they will have, where they will honeymoon, the sort - of housekeeping arrangement they will make, where they will - live, etc. - - --It is a period of personality adjustment, of welding the - couple into a union. - - --It is a period of exploring each other’s interests to find - what activities exist that both enjoy and can share. - - --It is a time when the wise couple prepares for marriage. - The man gets a job, saves some money. The girl learns and - perfects her homemaking skills in cooking, sewing, and house - managing. - - --It is a time to decide whether they want children and how - many. - - --It is a time when antagonistic habits are broken and new - habits which will permit a smoother married adjustment are - established. - - --It is a time when differences are recognized about - religion, about parents, and solved or compromised. - - Because of all these functions, the engagement is a period - that requires time. - -The beginning of the war saw a sharp rise in “gangplank” or hasty -war marriages. And the end of the war produced another sharp rise. -Thousands of couples rushed into marriage a few days after the -returning veterans got off the boat. We can appreciate the desire -of some long-separated couples to marry immediately but if they do -they are only adding to the inevitable toll of broken marriages -that will result. - -Hasty marriages get off to a bad start simply because the -engagement period, which is the period of planning and preparation -for marriage, is cut short. - -In one study that was made, forty-seven per cent of the married -couples who had known each other less than six months prior to -marriage were poorly adjusted! Of those who had been acquainted -for five years prior to marriage, less than fifteen per cent were -poorly adjusted. Of those who had known each other less than three -years, about thirty-three per cent were poorly adjusted. - -Similarly, about fifty per cent of the couples had a poor -adjustment if they had been engaged less than three months -before marriage. In contrast, less than twenty per cent had poor -adjustment when their engagement period ranged from nine months to -two years. And less than ten per cent of those who had been engaged -more than two years were poorly adjusted. In other words, the -prospect of an unhappy marriage clearly decreases as the length of -the engagement increases. - -And incidentally the same study showed that couples were more -happily married if both sets of parents approved the marriage. -Parents in general are more likely to approve an orderly marriage -than one contracted in haste. - -Many hasty marriages are contracted secretly. These take two forms. -First, the elopement, which is characterized by a secret wedding, -but not by a secret marriage. In the second type the couple not -only are married secretly but keep the marriage a secret. All the -evidence indicates that either type is less likely to be happy -even than the hasty marriage performed in public. By their very -nature, secret weddings should be avoided by couples. They rarely -take place unless the persons are not sure they are doing the right -thing. - -For couples that involve a returning veteran, it is especially -important that they be engaged at least six months after the -reunion before marrying. This time will permit you to become -reacquainted, to make up your minds if you still want to marry each -other, and to adjust to the changes you two have had during your -separation. It provides the veteran time to decide what to do about -his career. And it provides him with a chance to get back into the -routine of civilian living before he takes on the responsibilities -of marriage. In the Army or Navy much of his thinking was done for -him. Now he must think for himself and take on responsibilities. -The transition may be relatively short for him if he decides to go -back to an old job; it may be quite long if he elects to continue -his vocational preparation. - -Sex is a problem during engagement, because it is accepted as -a period for greater intimacy, and properly so. In courtship -restrained caressing may be engaged in without disturbing public -morals, but petting as we define it should wait upon engagement. -Our customs permit greater intimacy during engagement than during -courtship but frown upon complete intimacy before marriage. On -the other hand, society relaxes chaperonage of engaged couples, -permits them to keep later hours, to be together for longer periods -of time, perhaps to take trips together. Under such circumstances -restraint must be applied if an engaged couple is to refrain from -intercourse. Fortunately a girl has more inhibitions and thus can -apply restraint more readily. However, if she loves her fiancé -deeply she is torn between two desires: whether to do or not do -what she has been taught; or whether to do or not do what her loved -one suggests. If she gives in to him, it is usually because of -the tenderness of her affection rather than because she has great -sexual desire. Each couple should decide what their limits will be -and stick by them. Both should remember that many engagements never -result in marriage. - -While an engagement represents an honest declaration of intention -by the two people that they intend to marry, engaged couples -should feel that if there is any question in their mind about the -continuance of the engagement each should feel free to call it -quits. They should discuss their apprehensions frankly. It is far -better not to go through with a marriage that may prove unsuited or -unhappy. (However it is foolish, of course, to break an engagement -over a quarrel.) This chance of breaking off is another reason for -a long engagement. The authors feel that everything should be -done to encourage couples to be sure of each other before marriage -is contracted. If couples were trained more for marriage and went -through a longer preparatory period, then the more poorly matched -couples would become aware of the shoals ahead and we would have -far fewer broken marriages in America! - -Regardless of how badly it may hurt a mate or parents or friends, -you should never marry a person against your better judgment -because wedlock will only aggravate an unpleasant situation. Nor -should you be deterred from fear that the mate will be so upset -emotionally that he will commit a rash act. Such a fear in itself -should be proof that the person is not emotionally stable and so -probably would not make you a good spouse. (Incidentally, a rash -act is exceedingly unlikely.) - -One of the questions engaged people frequently ask marriage -counselors is how much of a “past” should be revealed by one -mate to the other. One general principle should be followed -completely, namely, that whatever is to be revealed should be -revealed _before_ marriage and not afterward. A second principle -is that lurid confessions of the past do not provide a good basis -on which to begin a marriage. In most cases, we believe, it is -wiser for the young couple not to tell each other things that may -build resentment or distrust or may create hurt or may produce -problems outweighing whatever might be gained through telling. Just -because one becomes engaged is no reason why every skeleton must -be rattled. The only thing that a couple should tell each other -are things that would have a bearing on their future happiness -in marriage. Such things as concealed physical defects, previous -marriage, legal embarrassments, debts, etc., should be told because -they will come out sooner or later anyhow. However, if you do feel -impelled--perhaps through feelings of guilt--to reveal disagreeable -aspects of your past, discuss it with some trusted confidant or -physician beforehand to confirm the wisdom of doing so. And when -you do make the revelation, do it casually and without emotion and -without making a great fuss over it. - -Engagement is a time of growing tolerance and trust and understanding. -Frankness characterizes it and you and your mate should be realistic -with each other in facing your problems. Your major problems deal -primarily with the present and the future rather than with the past. -One evidence that you are trying to solve them is the willingness with -which you freely discuss them with each other, with your parents and -with your trusted confidants. - - - - -_Chapter XIX_ - -Getting Ready for Married Intimacy - - -In the course of counseling, one occasionally encounters a couple -whose marriage has not been attended by complete physical intimacy. -In one such case the two people had been married two years. More -astounding, neither of them was aware that complete physical -intimacy is quite common among married couples! Both had been -reared in extremely sheltered atmospheres. The boy was a minister’s -son. The girl had been reared by maiden aunts. They were completely -naïve about sexual phenomena and had no understanding of what was -giving them the feelings of frustration from which they suffered. - -How important is sex in marriage? Does it have much to do with the -happiness one derives from marriage? Or is sex merely important in -reproduction? - -While sex may not be the most important factor in marriage, it -frequently makes or breaks a marriage. And a satisfying adjustment -on the level of physical love is closely associated with marital -happiness. Probably the most important thing in making a marriage -successful is the determination of both mates to make the marriage -work. Companionship and the mutual working out of problems together -are the fruits of happy marriages. But couples are rarely good -companions if they have repressions or fears or maladjustments -which thwart their achieving a satisfying unity on the physical -level. - -Some experts have estimated that during the first few years of -marriage nearly half of marriage happiness depends on the sexual -adjustment achieved. This does not seem unreasonable because sex -provides the first rush of desire that launches the marriage and -continues to integrate the couple and bring a sense of harmony to -their union. - -As the years pass couples achieve an increasingly satisfying -adjustment and the union of their bodies at frequent intervals in -climactic pleasure provides a bond between them. The experience -also is important in reducing the tensions that develop in both -mates during the course of their daily living. These tensions are -of many kinds but they include the sexual tension which results -from hormones being poured into the blood streams of both the -man and woman. The exhilarating orgasms that come as a climax in -successful coitus break these tensions and produce satisfying -feelings of relaxation and serenity. - -One of the misfortunes of modern marriage is that so many married -couples are not able to achieve a satisfactory sexual adjustment. -Studies have shown that at least a third of all wives rarely -experience orgasm and at least half of all wives do not experience -it with any great regularity. The major reasons for their failure -are: - - --Most wives are more inhibited and repressed than their - husbands. - - --Most young wives have less actual sex drive than their - husbands. - - --The husbands in too many cases are inconsiderate of the - wife and are primarily concerned in achieving satisfaction - for themselves. - -Too often sex--instead of being a bond--becomes a quarreling point -between the couple. Both are resentful. Such feelings tend to -increase tension rather than reduce it. - -Because sex is so vital to the happiness of a marriage, we suggest -that both you and your mate read a good book on sexual adjustment -(_see bibliography_) so that you will know what to expect and won’t -be frightened by the thought of it. - -The girl (and perhaps the man) can learn a great deal by taking -up the matter at length when she goes for a premarital physical -examination a week or so before the wedding. She can ask the -physician questions about sexual matters and clear up any points -that trouble her. He can describe for her the sensations she can -expect to experience during the physical intimacy. At the time -of the examination she can also discuss any fears she has of -immediate pregnancy before their marriage has a chance to become -stabilized. He may suggest contraceptive devices or techniques to -eliminate that possibility and may take her pelvic measures to see -if the pelvis is too narrow for normal childbirth. Most engaged -couples want to know about contraception, and the average young -doctors and nearly all gynecologists are well equipped to give such -information. - -Couples should be careful to thresh out this matter of contraception -before marriage because religion sometimes causes them to have -strong--and dangerous--differences of opinion about it. The problem -of whether to have or not to have children, and when to have children, -should definitely not be left to chance. Most religious leaders are -now in agreement on that. For those couples whose religion forbids -contraceptive devices, the rhythm method can be followed, although -this method is not recommended for couples whose religion permits them -to use other methods. - -Another thing the bride-to-be may discuss with the doctor is her -hymen, which is the traditional mark of a virgin since it stretches -across the entrance to her vagina. (Incidentally, the absence of -the hymen as an obstacle is no evidence of non-virginity since -it can be disrupted in childhood without the girl’s knowledge or -through medical examinations.) If it is so thick that discomfort -may be experienced during first intercourse or if it prevents -intercourse entirely, the doctor may prescribe a simple treatment. - -All couples entering marriage should understand that intercourse is -not something people do by instinct but is a learned procedure and -that it takes about three to six months for the typical couple to -work out a thoroughly satisfying adjustment. Many brides have all -sorts of baseless fears that must be dispelled. - -There are three distinct phases to a sexual experience between a -man and woman and many of the difficulties arise because the man -slights phases one and three. - -The first phase is that of arousal. The husband and wife caress -each other and become physically and psychologically ready for a -merging of their bodies. This first phase should not be hurried. -It is especially important that the husband remember this -because a woman’s passion arouses much more slowly than a man’s, -particularly during the first few years of married life. By -allowing plenty of time for the woman, the couple can help equalize -their differences in sex drive. The presence of erect nipples is an -indication that the woman is becoming aroused and may be receptive -to further advances. - -Phase two is the actual coitus. In the early days of marriage this -should be engaged in gently. Later both may be able to enjoy the -tumultuous vigor of unrestrained physical intimacy. The husband -should not forget during intercourse to tell his wife how much -he loves her, how wonderful he thinks she is, how much delight -she is bringing him. Nor should the wife feel hesitant or bashful -about doing likewise. If either can make suggestions to the other -that will lead to greater enjoyment, both should feel free to do -so. It is only by loving frankness and unashamed coöperation that -husband and wife are able to achieve the beautiful harmony and the -exquisite pleasure that only a satisfying sexual adjustment can -bring them. - -In many cases (unfortunately) the husband, because of strain and -fatigue, will arrive at his orgasm almost immediately. The average -couple, after some experience, find that actual intercourse usually -lasts about five to ten minutes. Some wives require ten minutes or -fifteen minutes before they are able to achieve orgasm. Some men, -perhaps one in seven, are unable to hold back ejaculation for more -than two or three minutes. All couples can bring their orgasms -closer to each other if they will try to accommodate themselves -to each other. The ideal is for both man and wife to have orgasm -simultaneously. - -Orgasm for a man comes with the flooding or ejaculation of seminal -fluid. For the woman, orgasm is marked by the sudden relaxation of -the muscles in her genital region. It is accompanied by a feeling -of great tension reduction as well as great pleasure. - -Now we come to phase three, which should not be slighted. It is -a sort of postlude, an after the storm. The average wife derives -exquisite pleasure from feeling herself and her husband relaxing. -Further, in this phase the wife wants to be held closely by her -husband and to be told that he loves her. She wants to be made to -feel that he loves her for what she is, all the qualities that -she has, all the traits that she possesses, and not alone for -the sexual thrill that she has just given him. We might give the -husband a practical suggestion at this point by telling him this. -If his wife is slow in reaching an orgasm he can help her to reach -orgasm more rapidly by making this postlude just as delightful for -her as possible by being tender and romantic. Without realizing -what is happening she will strive to achieve orgasm for the -pleasure she derives from his deep and sincere appreciation that -comes afterward. - -Most young wives do not have an orgasm in the early days of -marriage and so should not be distressed if they do not experience -it on the wedding night. In Terman’s study of several hundred -wives, less than twenty-five per cent stated they had orgasm -at first intercourse. Another twenty-five per cent said they -experienced it within a few days or weeks. Another twenty-five per -cent roughly stated that they experienced it sometime between the -first month of marriage and the twelfth month. And the remaining -wives said they had either never experienced it or did not -experience it until one or more years after marriage. - -In scoring these same women on their marriage happiness, Terman -found that those women who did not experience orgasm within the -first year were significantly less happy in marriage than those who -had been able to achieve it within the first year. More than half -of the happiest husbands and wives seemed to be those in marriages -where the wife had orgasm within the first few months of marriage. - -It should be remembered however that the presence or absence -of orgasm is not necessarily a criterion of marriage happiness -or unhappiness. While absence of it is clearly an obstacle for -many couples it is not a major cause of unhappiness in marriage, -providing that it does occur within the first year. The happiest -couples seem to be those where there is complete or fairly complete -tension reduction experienced in intercourse whether an orgasm -occurs or not. - -What are the obstacles to happiness as far as sex is concerned? -Terman found that many unhappy husbands complained most frequently -about such things as these: - - Wife shows too little enthusiasm. - - Wife can not regularly reach an orgasm or is slow in reaching it. - - Wife desires intercourse too rarely. - - Wife not physiologically ready for intercourse. - - Wife has too little regard for the husband’s satisfaction. - - Wife does not express enough tenderness and consideration. - -It was found that unhappy wives complained about such things as -these: - - Husband has orgasm too quickly. - - Husband desires intercourse too frequently (or too rarely). - - Husband wants to go to sleep or get up too soon after the climax. - - Husband shows too little enthusiasm. - - Husband does not caress affectionately during the preliminary - phase. - - Husband expresses too little tenderness. - -If you wonder about the importance of physical love in marriage -you might remember that very few husbands and wives are unfaithful -to each other if their passions are satisfied and if mates are -considerate of each other’s needs. The Marriage Counseling Service -at Penn State has not found a single case of separation or divorce -among couples who have achieved and maintained sexual harmony since -the early weeks of their marriage. - - - - -_Chapter XX_ - -Getting Off to a Good Start - - -Marriage is a plunge, no matter how carefully it is planned. The -man takes on the responsibility of supporting someone besides -himself for the rest of his life. The girl gives up her name, her -independence of action, and usually her career. Both mates must -adjust themselves to an entirely new existence. - -The pattern of wedded relationship that will persist for the rest -of your married life usually sets during the first few months. -Every day you will take first steps. And those steps are important. -You start living together, planning together and sleeping together. -At a hundred points you can make missteps that will leave scars on -your relationship long after the original incidents are forgotten. -That’s why the first few months are so important. - -For a girl, the wedding day will undoubtedly be the biggest day -she will experience in her life. Because of this the groom should -hesitate before he discourages a church wedding or suggests that -they be married by some roadside justice of the peace. While being -married in the church is not necessary for marriage happiness, it -has been found that those couples who are serious-minded are more -likely to achieve happiness if their wedding is under the auspices -of the church. Then it is planned, it is dignified, and the -vows--which seem to take on added meaning in a church--are uttered -before friends and relatives. - -The bride should have the privilege of setting the date of the -wedding. In doing this she should try to set the date so that it -will follow a few days after the menstrual period has ended. She -does that not only because of anticipated physical intimacies, but -because the menstrual period frequently makes a girl irritable and -depressed--hardly the best mood for a honeymoon. - -In planning the wedding and the honeymoon it is important to avoid -all situations that might produce tension and worry, and especially -the feeling of “hurrying somewhere.” - -If you can manage a honeymoon, take it by all means. It doesn’t -need to involve a long trip or staying at an expensive resort. -Here are some suggestions on the site of the honeymoon that may be -helpful: - -It should not be spent with friends or relatives. - -It should be spent at a place where the couple is not well known. - -It is better to spend it in the country or a small town rather than -in a bustling metropolis. - -It should be spent where there will be no obligations to attend -social functions or to meet definite schedules. - -It should be spent where both will be completely free of outside -responsibilities, such as cooking their own food so there will be -no limit on the time they can be together. - -It should be spent where there are things to do and activities to -enjoy whenever they feel in the mood for such diversions. - -The first adjustment faced by the typical married couple is sexual, -for the typical couple engages in sexual intercourse on that first -night. If they have discussed their attitudes on sex before the -wedding they have paved the way. Nevertheless many couples feel -self-conscious on their honeymoon night. Perhaps they would be even -more self-conscious if they realized that marriage happiness during -their first few years will depend a great deal on achieving a good -sexual adjustment. - -Often a husband can make that first night easier for a wife if he -finds an errand to perform while his bride is preparing to retire. -He may even suggest to her that he will be gone for fifteen or -twenty minutes, which will give her a chance to be in bed when he -returns. However if she seems eager for him to remain he should -do so because she may be a little fearful of being left alone. In -any case it is important that both respect each other’s privacy -especially carefully during the first few weeks. Marriage, as we -say, is an abrupt step and each should strive to ease the impact -of the transition as much as possible. - -If the new husband is ever romantic it should be now! The bride -is probably a bit nervous about what is to follow and this can -be largely dissipated if the groom is gallant and endearing and -considerate. This is not only the decent thing to do but is sound -psychology. It will build up in her a feeling of pride in him and a -desire to share with him everything possible. - -Actual intercourse should not be launched on that first night if -the passions of both are not genuinely aroused. It is important -that both the bride and groom be completely agreeable before the -first intimacy is experienced. If the bride remains apprehensive -about it they should content themselves with milder intimacies and -take up the matter another night. They should not feel there is -some hard-and-fast tradition that they must have an experience that -first night. - -If the bride is a virgin and still possesses the impediment of one, -both should understand that some pain will be experienced during -the first intercourse and neither may achieve a climax. - -Further, both should understand that sexual adjustment is learned, -not inherited. The initial learning may be somewhat awkward and not -too satisfying. It’s not a natural, spontaneous thing, contrary -to the average young person’s notions. It is this misconception -that frightens many brides into frigidity when they find intimacy -doesn’t come naturally to them immediately. Many feel that there -must be something wrong with themselves when they don’t enjoy it -from the start. - -But if they are patient and gentle with each other within a few -weeks they should sense the deep thrills that lie in store for -them. And within six months at most, they should have achieved a -grand and satisfying relationship. - -If they are to achieve anything beyond animalistic excitement, the -aim of both the man and girl should be not to receive satisfaction -but to give satisfaction. It is this considerateness that makes the -act sublime and enriching. It welds them into a strong union. - -As the honeymoon progresses, something usually happens toward the -end that jolts the couple back to reality. For the first time, -perhaps unconsciously, the groom starts acting like a husband or -the bride like a wife. Usually it is the groom. Perhaps he forgets -to kiss his bride when he leaves her for a few hours. Perhaps she -catches him thinking of something else while she is confiding her -love. Or perhaps he just refuses to get up and look at the gorgeous -sunrise that is thrilling her. - -This little “baptism” comes sooner or later and brides should -prepare themselves for it. It signifies that the honeymoon is just -about over and that they are returning to the day-to-day job of -living together as two human beings. The bride may feel let down or -heartsick. She may even cry a little or flare up and upbraid him. -Or worse she may retreat into her shell. If she fails to handle the -incident calmly and retain her sense of proportion she may develop -an attitude that will get them off to a bad start. - -As they get down to the day-to-day job of adjusting themselves -to married life the wife will find that the major burden of the -adjusting falls on her. That is because the woman normally must -rearrange her life, upon marriage, more than the man, despite the -fact that they are partners. For example: - -He stays in the same community whereas she often must leave hers, -and her friends, to live with him. - -He keeps his name whereas she drops hers to take his, with a “Mrs.” -in front of it. - -He keeps his job whereas she usually quits hers to learn an -entirely new occupation--homemaking. - -He continues to make his own money whereas she becomes dependent -upon him even for spending money. - -He lives the role of husband an hour in the morning and a few hours -in the evening whereas she spends fifteen hours a day functioning -as a wife. - -He continues spending the greatest part of his energy trying to -please his boss, whereas she starts devoting her energy to winning -her husband’s approval--approval for the way she cooks, dresses, -runs the home, takes care of the children, if they have them. -Normally the wife spends at least eighty per cent of the husband’s -income on such things as these and naturally is anxious to convince -him she is using his money wisely. - -What adjustments must two people make in their attitude toward each -other in order to live together happily? - -If you were to accept the word of certain newspaper “experts” on -love and marriage, you might get the impression that all the new -husband need do to make his wife happy is not to smoke in bed, to -pick up his own clothes, and to wash off the bathtub ring. Likewise -it would seem that all the new wife has to do is remove her -lipstick before retiring and avoid talking to him before he has had -his breakfast. - -Marriage would be simple if those sorts of things were the -essentials of marriage adjustment. Actually the essentials are much -more basic. - -For two people to live together successfully as husband and wife -they must be able to understand each other as only true companions -can. - -They must recognize the needs of each other and be willing to -coöperate to satisfy them. Perhaps the girl is easily upset -emotionally and needs her husband’s calm disposition to steady her. -Or perhaps he has feelings of inferiority which she can offset by -building up his ego. - -And they must be able to face the facts when differences arise (as -over money), and be able to work out amicable solutions together. -Mates who haven’t learned to compromise differences face a stormy -future. - -If you want your mate to be eager to please you instead of ignoring -or defying you, learn to condition him by rewarding him with praise -and caresses. When the husband does something that displeases a -wife she must never reward him. Likewise, for example, if the wife -wants a new dress which is too expensive and the husband tries to -make it clear to her that he cannot afford it, and she has a temper -tantrum, he should not give in and buy the dress. In this case, the -husband would reward her temper tantrum. - -Let this happen two or three times and thereafter she will use -a tantrum to get the things she wants from him. She knows he -hates such scenes and will give in. It will be much better -psychologically if the much-desired dress can be given to her as a -reward for something nice she has done. - -While a husband or wife wants to feel that things are done out of -love and for love only, the fact remains that love continues only -if it is nourished. If a husband snarls at his wife, never gives -her a kind word, never rewards her and is always condemning or -punishing her, the day will come when she will absolutely despise -him. - -There is such a thing as deathless love, but it exists only when it -has a firm foundation of considerateness between the two. - -Another thing newly-weds should learn is the importance of tension -reduction. The husband may come home from the office and lash out -at the wife because supper is a little late. What has happened, -probably, is that he had some disagreeable experience at his -work but had to keep his temper under check there. He comes home -seething and explodes at the first provocation. The young wife -may retreat to her room crying unless she senses the real reason -for his anger. Instead she should recognize that he is tied up -in nervous knots, take his outburst philosophically and try to -reduce the tension by caressing him, by talking cheerfully and -complimenting him on something nice or laudable he has done. - -By so doing, she brings pleasantness after unpleasantness and thus -encourages him to bring his troubles to her rather than to his male -cronies or to some other woman. - -Married couples should also understand the importance of climactic -sexual relations as a means of reducing tension. - -Another psychological habit that should be helpful to newly-weds is -the use of indirect methods to get what they want. You will have a -happier, more loyal mate if you can get him to do things you want -by making suggestions rather than demands. If the lawn needs mowing -just mention how ragged the grass is getting. Usually he will then -mow it on his own initiative. - -On the practical side, it is very helpful if the two can work -out some plan for handling the income during the early weeks -of marriage so that they can see just where the money goes. A -simplified but formal budget is helpful here. - -Further, it is vital that the wife quickly acquire skill in -managing the home so that the husband will be initiated pleasantly -into the role of being a home-body. A messy home frequently -produces irritations which disrupt cordial relations between the -two mates. - -The new wife should plan her housework so that the tasks fit into a -pattern and are taken care of in order and at specific times. For -example, Monday may be “wash day”; Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday -may be “shopping days”; Wednesday may be “ironing day”; Saturday -morning may be baking day. This really amounts to a budget of her -time and her work. - -If they are to five happily ever after it is important that the -wife know her husband’s food likes and dislikes. The importance of -food to marriage success is frequently misunderstood by newly-weds, -and highly underrated. A large portion of the husbands who take -their troubles to the Penn State marriage clinic disclose sooner -or later that their wives are poor cooks or serve them late, -slapped-together meals. - -When a husband comes home tired and harassed from his day’s work, -nothing will restore him to a genial mood as much as his favorite -dishes of food, expertly prepared and served soon after he arrives. - -During the first few weeks of married life the wife should make -an effort to learn something about her husband’s food likes and -dislikes. Some of this should already have been gathered by -observation during courtship and the honeymoon by noting the foods -that he chose in a restaurant. - -Simply knowing the husband’s favorite dishes is not enough. The new -husband may not throw the first batch of burned biscuits at his -wife, but if the next batch is burned too he is apt at least to -throw some caustic comments. - -Soon after the honeymoon there will come a time when one or both of -the mates may no longer be satisfied just to be with each other. -They will become more independent of each other unless during -the first few months of marriage they have explored each other’s -interests and found things they can do together. - -If he is to become anything more than the provider and she anything -more than the housekeeper, they must establish a sound basis for -companionship. How can this be done? The essentials of human -companionship are pretty universal for any two people whether they -are mates or just close friends. Comrades most frequently have -these things in common: - -_They enjoy talking to each other._ Mates should not feel they have -completely succeeded as partners until each regards the other as -the one person he or she can unburden himself to about anything -that is on his mind. Each can help develop a strong feeling of -“conversational companionship” in their union by being a ready -and sympathetic listener to the thoughts that are uppermost in -the other’s mind. Both should realize that a woman’s interests -naturally are different from a man’s. After their own immediate -preoccupations of the day, a woman’s interests tend more toward -clothes, decorations and amusements whereas the man is more -interested in money, world affairs and sports. A good middle ground -is their mutual interests and hobbies and the activities of their -mutual acquaintances. - -_Companions enjoy doing things together._ One of the first things -newly-weds should investigate, if they haven’t already, are the -things they can do peaceably and enjoyably together. Perhaps -both get a great deal of pleasure from listening to early jazz -recordings, or skiing, or merely playing chess or being together -every night and saying very little. - -Visiting friends can be fun where the two husbands are congenial -and the two wives are fond of each other. One of the sad things -about marriage is that a bride’s best friend marries a man whom her -husband can’t stand; or the man’s old roommate marries a flighty, -affected girl the wife can’t stand. Such antagonisms should be -sensed and the bride and groom should in such cases try to get -together with their old friends on an individual rather than a -family basis. - -_Companions respect each other’s opinions and abilities._ The -shrewd wife keeps up with the world so that her husband will -respect her as an individual in her own right. Wives that become -completely dependent on their husbands, and cling to them because -they have no other interest, frequently lose the respect of their -husband. - -_It helps if they are seeking a common goal._ One of the very -best ways there is for a couple to develop a strong basis for -companionship is to have common aspirations which both believe in -and talk about enthusiastically. - -This means sharing in a long-range project. They map their -plans together and carry them through. They share triumphs and -disappointments. They may build or remodel a home for themselves. -In the process of planning, waiting and dreaming together they -become comrades for life. - -While it may be argued that building or buying a home is more -expensive in the long run than renting, nothing gives a couple a -greater feeling of solidarity than home ownership, especially when -they plan together in building, remodeling or furnishing it. - -Even saving money can be a common goal that will develop -companionship, especially if the couple are saving the money for -something they both want badly such as a car or a long-dreamed-of -vacation trip. In general a young couple earning between eighteen -hundred and three thousand dollars a year can well aim to save at -least five per cent and better still ten per cent of the income. If -they strive for a percentage much higher than that they may find it -entails too great a denial. - -Similarly the goal of a couple may be to raise a large happy -family. They plan the arrival of their children and, working as a -team, guide the growth and development of each child. - - - - -After Thoughts - - -By now we hope we have helped you clarify in your mind the kind of -mate you want--and need. We have raised a good many thoughts you -should bear in mind in selecting your mate. It is doubtful that -you--or anyone--will find a mate who fits letter perfect into all -the qualifications we have mentioned in the course of the book as -desirable in mates, but that is not important. What is important -is that your mate should fit into the general pattern of the kind -of person you need, and should be free from the really serious -short-comings we have mentioned. - -Perhaps the most important single thought we can leave with you is -that the person you marry should be one who will give you a _sense -of well-being_. Marriage to this person should end your vague -feelings of restlessness. - -We know a young married couple who have “everything.” They live -in a well-to-do suburb, belong to a country club and are not -“tied down” by children. They go to many parties and on week-end -excursions and eat out whenever they feel like it. Yet they go -about their rush of activities with the bored futility of a dog -chasing his own tail. - -And we know another couple who are the kind some people would feel -sorry for. They have four whooping youngsters that virtually pin -them to the homestead and make outside social life impossible. -They must fight a constant battle with living costs to get ahead -financially. During most of their free moments they must work about -their house, upholstering furniture, fixing leaking faucets or -hanging storm windows. - -Yet these two mates are immensely happy in marriage. They have a -sense of purpose in life--a sense of well-being. They are so glad -they are married to each other that they can shrug off the many -irritations that beset them as unimportant. Both of them would -confide to you that marriage is a wonderful, enriching experience. - - - - -Appendix A - -Books You May Wish to Read - - - I. ADJUSTMENT OF THE VETERAN (In and after war). - - 1. ANON., _Psychology for the Fighting Man_. Washington: - Infantry Journal, 1943. - - 2. BORING, EDWIN G. (editor), _Psychology for the Armed - Services_. Washington: Infantry Journal, 1945. - - 3. CHILD, IRVIN L., and VAN DE WATER, MARJORIE (editors), - _Psychology for the Returning Serviceman_. Washington: - Infantry Journal, 1945. - - 4. PRATT, GEORGE K., _Soldier to Civilian_. New York: - Whittlesey House. McGraw-Hill, 1944. - - 5. REDMOND, CATHERINE, _Handbook for Army Wives and - Mothers_. Washington: Infantry Journal, 1944. - - 6. STEVENSON, ELEANOR, and MARTIN, PETE, _I Knew Your - Soldier_. Washington: Infantry Journal, 1945. - - II. BASIC RESEARCH IN MARRIAGE (Technical research studies). - - 1. BURGESS, E. W., and COTTRELL, L. S., _Predicting Success - or Failure in Marriage_. New York: Prentice-Hall, 1939. - - 2. DAVIS, KATHARINE B., _Factors in the Sex Life of - Twenty-two Hundred Women_. New York: Harper and - Brothers, 1929. - - 3. DICKINSON, R. L., and BEAM, LURA, _A Thousand Marriages_. - Baltimore: Williams and Wilkins, 1931. - - 4. HAMILTON, G. V., _A Research in Marriage_. New York: - Albert and Charles Boni, 1929. - - 5. TERMAN, LEWIS M., _Psychological Factors in Marital - Happiness_. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1938. - - III. CONTRACEPTION AND FAMILY SPACING (Birth control). - - 1. COOPER, JAMES F., _Technique of Contraception_. New York: - Day-Nichols, 1928. - - 2. DICKINSON, ROBERT L., _Control of Conception_. 2nd - edition. Baltimore: Williams and Wilkins, 1938. - - 3. LATZ, LEO J., _The Rhythm of Sterility and Fertility in - Women_. 5th edition. Chicago: Latz Foundation, 1935. - (Recommended to Catholics.) - - 4. WELTON, T. S., _Modern Method of Birth Control_. New - York: Walker J. Black, 1935. - - IV. FAMILY AND MARRIAGE PROBLEMS. - - 1. BABER, R. E., _Marriage and the Family_. New York: - McGraw-Hill Book Co., 1939. - - 2. DRUMMOND, LAURA W., _Youth and Instruction in Marriage - and Family Living_. New York: Teachers College, - Columbia University, 1942. - - 3. GOLDSTEIN, SIDNEY E., _Marriage and Family Counseling_. - New York: McGraw-Hill, 1945. - - 4. GROVES, ERNEST R., _Conserving Marriage and the Family_. - New York: Macmillan, 1944. - - 5. GROVES, GLADYS HOAGLAND, _Marriage and Family Life_. - New York: Houghton Mifflin, 1942. - - 6. HILL, REUBEN, and BECKER, HOWARD (editors), _Marriage - and the Family_. Boston: D. C. Heath, 1942. - - 7. MOWRER, H. R., _Personality Adjustment and Domestic - Discord_. New York: American, 1935. - - 8. NIMKOFF, M. F., _The Family_. New York: Houghton - Mifflin, 1934. - - 9. BURGESS, ERNEST W. and LOCKE, HARVEY J., _The Family_. - New York: American Book Company, 1945. - - V. GETTING ALONG WITH PEOPLE (Improving personality). - - 1. LAIRD, DONALD A., and LAIRD, ELEANOR C., _The Technique - of Handling People_. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1943. - - 2. LOCKHART, EARL G., _Improving Your Personality_. - Chicago: Walton Publishing Co., 1939. - - 3. MORGAN, JOHN B., and WEBB, EWING T., _Making the Most - of Your Life_. Garden City, 1932. - - 4. MYERS, GARRY C., _The Modern Parent_. New York: - Greenberg, 1930. - - 5. NEWTON, ROY, _How to Improve Your Personality_. New - York: McGraw-Hill, 1942. - - 6. WEBB, E. T., and MORGAN, JOHN J. B., _Strategy in - Handling People_. Chicago: Boulton Pierce, 1930. - - 7. WHITE, WENDELL, _The Psychology of Dealing with - People_. Revised. New York: Macmillan, 1941. - - VI. INTERPRETATION OF MARRIAGE STUDIES (Not too technical). - - 1. HAMILTON, G. V., and MACGOWAN, KENNETH, _What Is Wrong - with Marriage_. New York: Albert and Charles Boni, - Inc., 1929. (This is a popular treatment of HAMILTON’S - _A Research in Marriage_.) - - 2. HART, HORNELL, and HART, ELLA B., _Personality and the - Family_. New York: D. C. Heath, 1941. - - VII. MALADJUSTMENT AND NEUROTICISM (Mental hygiene). - - 1. CROW, LESTER D., and CROW, ALICE, _Mental Hygiene in - School and Home Life_. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1942. - - 2. FINK, DAVID H., _Release from Nervous Tension_. New - York: Simon and Schuster, 1943. - - 3. LOUTTIT, C. M., _Clinical Psychology_. New York: Harper - and Brothers, 1936. - - 4. SHAFFER, LAURANCE F., _The Psychology of Adjustment_. - New York: Houghton Mifflin, 1936. - - 5. SOLOMON, HARRY C., and YAKOVLEV, PAUL I. (editors), - _Manual of Military Neuropsychiatry_. Philadelphia: - W. B. Saunders, 1944. - - VIII. PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE (Easy to read and popular). - - 1. BOWMAN, HENRY A., _Marriage for Moderns_. New York: - McGraw-Hill, 1942. - - 2. FOLSOM, JOSEPH K., _Plan for Marriage_. New York: - Harper and Brothers, 1938. - - 3. FOSTER, ROBERT G., _Marriage and Family Relationships_. - New York: Macmillan Company, 1944. - - 4. GROVES, ERNEST R., _Marriage_. New York: Henry Holt, - 1941. - - 5. HIMES, NORMAN E., _Your Marriage_. New York: Farrar - and Rinehart, 1940. - - 6. JORDAN, HELEN MOUGEY, _You and Marriage_. New York: - John Wiley and Sons, 1942. - - 7. JUNG, MOSES (editor), _Modern Marriage_. New York: - F. S. Crofts and Co., 1940. - - 8. NELSON, JANET FOWLER, _Marriages Are Not Made in - Heaven_. New York: Woman’s Press, 1939. - - 9. POPENOE, PAUL, _Marriage Before and After_. New York: - Wilfred Funk, 1943. - - 10. POPENOE, PAUL, _Modern Marriage_. New York: The - Macmillan Co., 1940. - - 11. DUVALL, EVELYN M. and HILL, REUBEN, _When You Marry_. - Boston: D. C. Heath and Company, 1945. - - IX. SEXUAL ADJUSTMENT (Inception, development, guidance). - - 1. BUTTERFIELD, OLIVER, _Marriage and Sexual Harmony_. New - York: Emerson Books, 1938. - - 2. DEUTSCH, HELENE, _The Psychology of Women_. New York: - Grune and Stratton, 1944. - - 3. DICKINSON, R. L., and BEAM, LURA, _The Single Woman_. - Baltimore: Williams and Wilkins, 1934. - - 4. HAIRE, NORMAN (editor), _Encyclopedia of Sexual - Knowledge_. New York: Eugenics, 1940. - - 5. NOVAK, EMIL, _The Woman Asks the Doctor_. Baltimore: - Williams and Wilkins, 1937. - - 6. STONE, ABRAHAM, and STONE, HANNAH M., _A Marriage - Manual_. Revised edition. New York: Simon and - Schuster, 1939. - - 7. VAN DE VELDE, T. H., _Ideal Marriage_. New York: Random - House, 1930. - - 8. WALKER, KENNETH, and STRAUSS, ERIC B., _Sexual - Disorders in the Male_. Baltimore: Williams and - Wilkins, 1941. - - 9. WRIGHT, HELENA, _Sex Factor in Marriage_. Revised - edition. New York: Vanguard Press, 1937. - - X. SEXUAL ANATOMY (Illustrated hand atlas). - - 1. DICKINSON, R. L., _Human Sex Anatomy_. Baltimore: - Williams and Wilkins, 1933. - - XI. SEXUAL RESEARCH (Technical studies). - - 1. LANDIS, CARNEY, and BOLLER, M. MARJORIE, _Personality - and Sexuality of the Physically Handicapped Woman_. - New York: Paul B. Hoeber, Inc., 1942. - - 2. LANDIS, CARNEY et als., _Sex in Development_. New York: - Paul B. Hoeber, Inc., 1940. - - 3. TERMAN, L. M., and MILES, C., _Sex and Personality_. - New York: McGraw-Hill Book Co., 1937. - - XII. SYMPOSIUM ON WAR MARRIAGE AND ITS PROBLEMS (Institute - addresses on “Preparing for Marriage,” “Counseling Married - Couples,” and “Preserving the Family”). - - 1. ADAMS, CLIFFORD R., and KERR, JAMES A. (editors), - _Proceedings of the Annual Institute on Marriage and - Home Adjustment_. State College: The Pennsylvania - State College, 1944. - - - - -Appendix B - -Marriage Counseling Agencies - - -The American Association of Marriage Counselors (Chairman, Lester -W. Dearborn, 316 Huntington Avenue, Boston, and Secretary, Robert -W. Laidlaw, M.D., 563 Park Avenue, New York) is a professional -organization of qualified ethical marriage counselors. By writing -either the chairman or the secretary, the name and address of a -capable counselor in your vicinity may be obtained. - -Other marriage counselors (or agencies) in colleges or universities -are listed below, some of whom are affiliated with the American -Association of Marriage Counselors. - - Alabama: University of Alabama, Dr. Pauline Park Wilson - California: University of California (Berkeley), Dr. Noel Keys - Indiana: Anderson College, Dr. Carl Kardatzke - Iowa: Iowa State College, Dr. Reuben Hill - Massachusetts: Mt. Holyoke, Dr. Manfred H. Kuhn - Michigan: Merrill-Palmer School (Detroit), Dr. Robert G. Foster - Missouri: Stephens College, Dr. Henry A. Bowman - North Carolina: University of North Carolina, Dr. Ernest R. Groves - and Mrs. Gladys H. Groves - Oregon: University of Oregon, Dr. Lawrence S. Bee - Pennsylvania: Pennsylvania State College, Dr. Clifford R. Adams - -Two nationally known reputable marriage counseling services are: - - California (Los Angeles), American Institute of Marriage Relations, - Dr. Paul Popenoe, Director - Pennsylvania (Philadelphia), Marriage Counsel of Philadelphia, Mrs. - Emily H. Mudd, Director - - - - -_Index_ - - - Adams-Lepley Personnel Audit, 100-105 - - Adjustment, to married life, 198 - - Adolescence, 40 - - Age and marriage, - Emotional, 40-41 - Evidence of emotional immaturity, 41-42 - Mental, 39 - Physiological, 38 - Sexual, 39 - Vocational, 39 - - Alcohol and marriage, 159 - - Alibi artists, 150 - - Arousal stage, 191 - - Assortative mating, 28 - - - Bachelors, percentage of, 15 - - Beauty, 89, 94-95 - - Bowman, Dr. Henry, 48 - - - Children, as values, 22 - - Coitus, 191 - - Complaints of husbands and wives, 99 - - Contraceptives, 191 - - - Dating, 40 - - Disorderly mates, 152 - - Divorce, 15 - Rate of, 26-27 - - - Emotional maturity, 41-43 - - Emotions, test, 72-73 - - Engagement, 183 - Purpose, 184 - Revealing your past during, 187 - Role of sex during, 186 - - Erogenous zones, 58 - - Escapists, 151 - - - Fetishism, 71 - - First night of marriage, 196-197 - - Flirts, 153 - - Frigidity, 55, 56, 67 - - - Guilford-Martin Personnel Inventory, 100 - - - Hasty marriages, 185 - - Home making and marriage, 165-166 - - Homosexuality, 70 - - Honeymoon, 196-198 - - Husbands, happy and unhappy, 98 - - Hymen, 191 - - - Infatuation, characteristics of, 48 - - Inferiority complex, 90 - - In-law complications, 152-153 - - - Jealous mates, 146 - - Jealousy, test, 154-155 - - Jobs and marriage happiness, 167-168 - Prestige of, 167 - - - Lang, Richard O., 167 - - Law-abiding husbands, 158 - - Life’s problems, 22 - - Love, - Ability for, 51-52 - At first sight, 49 - Conditions necessary for, 50 - Defined, 47-50 - Sex and, 55 - Test of love, 53-54 - - - Marriage, - Basic needs filled by, 95-97 - Best age for, 25, 38, 43 - Chances of, 23 - Common goals in, 203 - Companionship and, 21 - Crucial traits for happiness in, 99 - Customs, 15 - Differences and, 140-145 - Effects of war on, 25-26 - Expectancy of happiness in, test, 37 - Mixed, 139 - Mixed personalities, 140-141 - Mixtures to beware in, 141-145 - Qualifications, 156-164 - Prediction of happiness scale, 100 - Prospects for, 16 - Psychological barriers, 16-18 - Reasons against, 15-18 - Reasons for, 19-20 - Stabilizing influence of, 21 - Suggestions for marital happiness, 133-136 - - Mate-matching, 124-126 - Test for couples, 137 - - Mates, - Acceptable, 27-28 - Background of, 30 - City Census table, 34 - Critical, 149 - Desirable, 104-105 - Education of, 29 - Financial status of, 29 - Geography favorable for, 31 - Job of, 30 - Making over, 147-148 - Range of eligibility, 28-31 - Shortage of, 25 - State age Census table, 32-33 - - Mating, problems of selection, 41-44 - Problems of selection, 91-94 - Traits wanted, 87-89 - - Meeting people of the opposite sex, 83-85 - - Menstruation, 58 - - Mismating, cause of, 26 - - - Necking, 65 - - Nervous mates, 148 - - Neurosis, test of, 163-164 - - - Obstacles to sexual happiness, 194 - - Orgasm, percentage experiencing, 64, 192-193 - - - Pedophilia, 71 - - Penn State Counseling Service, 147-201 - - Personality test, 81, 82 - - Petting, 65, 67-69 - Exploitive, 68 - Setting limits, 71 - - Physical handicaps, 17 - - Physical health, 64, 158 - Need for physical examination, 162-163 - - Popularity with opposite sex, 75-80 - Suggestions for girls, 81 - - Powers, John, 89 - - Pregnancy, 191 - - Premarital sexual relations, 63 - Arguments for and against, 65-67 - Percentage of, 63 - Reasons for increase, 64 - - Previous divorce, 161 - - Promiscuity, 67-68 - - Psychoneurosis, 158-160, 180-181 - - Pyle, Ernie, 175 - - - Relatives, clinging, 152 - - Responsibility in marriage, 159 - - - Sadism, 71 - - Self-confidence, importance of, 90 - - Services, Counseling, 156 - - Sex, - Abnormal outlets, 70-71 - Desire and its origin, 55-56 - Development, 56-57 - Importance of, 189-190 - Maladjustment, 56-57 - Peak of sexual vigor, 65 - Release from tensions, 69-70 - Repressions unlearned, 60-61 - Tensions, 68 - Three phases of sexual experience, 191-192 - - Sexual adjustment, 190 - - - Tension reduction, 200 - - Terman, Dr. L. M., 63, 98-100, 193 - - - Veterans, - Desire for marriage, 21 - Precautions to consider, 180 - Subconscious conflicts, 175 - Traits gained by war experience, 174 - War injuries, 178-179 - - Vocational trouble makers, 168-173 - - Voyeurism, 70 - - - Wedding, 195 - - Wives, happy and unhappy, 98 - - - - -=TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE= - - - Italic text is denoted by _underscores_. - - Bold text is denoted by =equal signs=. - - Obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors have been - corrected after careful comparison with other occurrences within - the text and consultation of external sources. - - Except for those changes noted below, all misspellings in the - text, and inconsistent or archaic usage, have been retained. - - Pg 60: ‘Extensive psychotherepy may’ replaced by ‘Extensive - psychotherapy may’. - - Pg 64: ‘complete physical infirmary’ replaced by ‘complete physical - intimacy’. - - Pg 68: ‘them such exprestion’ replaced by ‘them such expression’. - - Pg 76: ‘for real archievement’ replaced by ‘for real achievement’. - - Pg 90: ‘or saxaphone playing’ replaced by ‘or saxophone playing’. - - Pg 120: ‘in marriage haappiness’ replaced by ‘in marriage happiness’. - - Pg 134: ‘critical and gossippy’ replaced by ‘critical and gossipy’. - - Pg 151: ‘shed all responsibilites’ replaced by ‘shed all - responsibilities’. - - Pg 158: ‘of mental funtion’ replaced by ‘of mental function’. - - Pg 174: ‘perseverence and patience’ replaced by ‘perseverance and - patience’. - - Pg 178: ‘glamorous because glamor’ replaced by ‘glamorous because - glamour’. - - Pg 201: ‘expertely prepared and’ replaced by ‘expertly prepared - and’. - - Pg 202: ‘each other’s opinons’ replaced by ‘each other’s opinions’. - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HOW TO PICK A MATE *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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