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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..505869c --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #67815 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/67815) diff --git a/old/67815-0.txt b/old/67815-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index e55601d..0000000 --- a/old/67815-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3499 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Hilaria. The Festive Board, by -Anonymous - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Hilaria. The Festive Board - -Author: Anonymous - -Release Date: April 11, 2022 [eBook #67815] - -Language: English - -Produced by: deaurider and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at - https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images - generously made available by The Internet Archive) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HILARIA. THE FESTIVE -BOARD *** - - - - - - -HILARIA. - - - - - HILARIA. - - THE - FESTIVE BOARD. - - “Mirth, admit me of thy crew.” - - MILTON. - - ——“Vino pellite curas.” - - HOR. - - London: - _PRINTED FOR THE AUTHOR._ - - 1798. - - - - -PRELIMINARY. - - _Tres mihi convivæ prope dissentire videntur,_ - _Poscentes vario multum diversa palato._ - - HOR. - - -We, for the most part, differ in our notions of pleasure; one man’s -delight is another’s aversion: but felicity is the aim of all. Where -then shall we find it? a celebrated poet observes, “’tis no where to be -found, or everywhere.” I say with an air of triumph, which the experience -of a laughing life has imparted, the delights of love and joys of wine, -happily blended, will enable us to attain the summit of human enjoyment. -Would you meliorate the condition of the mind, and give to the body -its best energies; fly to the circle of convivial gaiety for the one, -and to the arms of indulgent beauty for the other—Life without this -charming union, is like wine without fermentation, perfectly insipid—for -the vinosity of wine, as well as the libidinosity of carnal nature, is -produced (as Doctor Johnson, that leviathan of literature would have -said) by the same exquisite process—_fermentation_.——So much in ancient -as well as modern times has been said and sung of love and wine, that -novelty on these topics cannot be expected. I am an enemy to every -species of innovation; but more particularly to that lately broached -by the celebrated original four-legg’d, long-tail’d, philosopher, Lord -Monboddo, Who is full of regret because we do not mix water with our wine. - -Read with sober attention what his lordship says on this subject. - -“As, by Isis, a plant was discovered, which furnished bread to man; so -by Osiris, her husband and brother, an art was invented of making drink -for man: this art is what is called fermentation, which he applied to the -use of the grape; and so first made wine: which, though it has been very -much abused, as almost every production of nature and art has been by -man, and, therefore, is very properly styled by Milton, _The sweet poison -of misused wine_. It may be applied to the most useful purposes, for it -is the best cordial of old age: and at all times of life it enlivens -the spirits; and, therefore, Bacchus is called _Lætitiæ Dator_; and it -cherishes the stomach: _but it is a great abuse of this liquor, in modern -times_, to drink it pure, without mixture of water, _which, I am sorry to -observe so much practised in Britain_.”—Horace says this ironically. - -Notwithstanding this opinion, the gentlemen of Britain, whose fondness -for pure, unadulterated, wine, cannot be doubted, will continue the old -custom of drinking a bumper of wine with the first toast after dinner, to -the first thing that ever was created for the enjoyment of their sex. - -Solomon, who was at least as wise as the author in question, says, “_Give -strong drink to him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be -of heavy hearts_:” “Let him drink and forget his poverty, and remember -his misery no more.” - -Burns, the admirable Scots bard, agreed with Solomon, and agreed with -himself also, to versify these doctrines: - - “Give him strong drink until he wink, - That’s sinking in despair; - And liquor good to fire his blood, - That’s prest with grief and care: - There let him bouse, and deep carouse, - With bumpers flowing o’er, - Till he forgets—his loves or debts, - And minds his griefs no more.” - -But what are the vital elixirs, gold tinctures, wonder-working essences, -electricity, and animal magnetism, compared to the properties of wine? -Dr. Franklin, a name dear to political liberty, has recorded a curious -fact concerning the effects of wine. When in France he received a -quantity of Madeira, that had been bottled in Virginia: in some of the -bottles he found a few dead flies, which he exposed to the warm sun in -the month of July, and, in less than three hours, these apparently dead -animals recovered life, which had been so long suspended. The philosopher -then asks whether such a process might not be employed with regard to -man? if that be the case, I can imagine, adds he, no greater pleasure, -than to cause myself to be immersed along with a few friends in Madeira -wine, (not wine and water,) and to again called to life, at the end of -fifty, or more years, by the genial solar rays of my native country; only -that I may see what improvement the state has made, and what changes time -has brought along with it. - -I cannot conclude these few observations on the virtues of wine, without -introducing the sentiment of another philosophical gentleman. A modern -practitioner of considerable medical skill, has given an opinion worthy -the attention of the convivial world: he tells us, if our vital sensation -require to be much exalted, neither alembics nor crucibles are necessary -for that purpose; Nature herself has provided for us that most excellent -spirit—wine, which exceeds all those prepared by the art of man: if there -be any thing in the world which one can call the _prima materia_, that -contains the spirit of the earth in an incorporated form, it is certainly -this noble production: - - “With genial joy to warm the soul, - “Bright Helen mix’d a mirth-inspiring bowl.” - - ODYSSEY. - -To promote hilarity, to keep up the good humour of life, to help -digestion by the salutary exercise of the risible faculty, the -compositions that follow were chiefly written;—the cynic, the sanctified -hypocrite, and the misanthrope, will eagerly condemn many of them, but -the man of the world, who thinks liberally, and acts up to his feelings, -the _bon vivant_, the friend of the fair sex, the bottle and song, -will, it is hoped and presumed, place them under their private care and -protection. - - - - -PAT-RIOT, A REVOLUTIONARY SONG. - - - I. - - Och! my name is Pat Riot, - And I’m never easy; - For when all is quiet, - It turns my head crazy; - So to kick up a dust, - By my soul is delighting; - Then to lay it again, - I fall to without fighting. - - _Chorus_—Row, row, row, row, row, row. - - II. - - Nought but times topsy turvy - Suit my constitution; - And all that I want, is - A snug Revolution: - Then in rank and in riches - I’ll equal my betters; - And a long list of creditors - Change into debtors. - - _Chorus_—Row, row, &c. - - III. - - I dare not be loyal, - For this loyal reason; - My tutor, Tom Paine, - Tells me loyalty’s treason: - And Priestley my Faith has - Shook to its foundation; - So I’ve no prospect on earth - But eternal damnation. - - _Chorus_—Row, row, &c. - - IV. - - In this plight I’ve a plan, - Tho’ it’s not ripe for broaching; - But between you and me, - ’Tis a little encroaching; - By a stroke—slight of hand— - To surprize all beholders: - Why I mean to take off - The king’s head from his shoulders. - - _Chorus_—Row, row, &c. - - V. - - Then the crown, d’ye see, - I wou’d lay on a shelf, Sir; - Tho’ it fits me as if it - Was made for myself, Sir: - Och! good luck to the sound, - How the dumb bells will ring, Sir, - When I’ve made all men equal, - And made myself king, Sir! - - _Chorus_—Row, row, &c. - - VI. - - Just to guard off th’effect - Of fell lightning and thunder, - That together split churches - And steeples asunder, - I mean to pull down - All old orthodox structures; - ’Cause Priestley says chapels - Are Heaven’s conductors. - - _Chorus_—Row, row, &c. - - VII. - - To see chapels, from churches, - Like Phœnixes rising, - Good souls, the dissenters - Wou’d deem it surprising, - And, grateful to me, - They wou’d down on their knees too, - Who hate both a church - And a chapel of ease too. - - _Chorus_—Row, row, &c. - - VIII. - - Now the lands of the church, - That feed fat and lean preachers, - By their leaves, I’ll bestow - On the puritan teachers: - Of their tithes, and their off’rings, - And gifts, I’ll bereave ’em; - And nought but their stomachs - And consciences leave ’em. - - _Chorus_—Row, row, &c. - - IX. - - The law long establish’d - No longer shall bind me; - With my father before, - Or my father behind me, - I’ve nothing to do: - Then your bother pray cease, Sir; - I’ll lay down the law - By a breach of the peace, Sir. - - _Chorus_—Row, row, &c. - - X. - - Since the law and the gospel - I’ve taken by storm, Sir, - Physicians shall swallow - My pills of reform, Sir; - I’ll take off their wigs, - Canes, fees, and degrees; - And poison the rogues - With their own recipes. - - _Chorus_—Row, row, &c. - - XI. - - Since the Commons are cyphers, - The Lords but nick-names, Sir, - I mean to prorogue ’em - All into the Thames, Sir; - And, lest folks should say - I don’t humanely treat ’em, - Doctor Hawes and cork jackets - At Gravesend shall meet ’em. - - _Chorus_—Row, row, &c. - - XII. - - I’ll abolish all titles - Mankind may inherit; - From the fountain of honour, - Worth, virtue, and merit: - I’m a naked reformer: - The doctrine I preach, is - To take coats of arms off - Shirts, waistcoats, and breeches. - - _Chorus_—Row, row, &c. - - XIII. - - Thus age, youth, and beauty, - Miss, master, and madam, - All decently figg’d - By the taylor of Adam: - Why this is not new; - Because high and low station, - Were all in confusion - Before the creation. - - _Chorus_—Row, row, &c. - - XIV. - - By Jasus, to think how - ’Twou’d tickle the devil, - To see from a mountain, - All things on a level; - For the devil’s a patriot - Not over nice, Sir, - And he hates all distinctions - ’Twixt virtue and vice, Sir. - - _Chorus_—Row, row, &c. - - XV. - - Here’s long life after death - To all hot-headed fellows, - Who night and day work at - The devil’s big bellows: - What charming confusion, - What fine botheration, - To blow up the coals, - And extinguish the nation! - - _Chorus_—Row, row, &c. - - - - -THE MARRIAGE MORN. - -Tune, _The Merry Dance_. - - - The marriage morn I can’t forget, - My senses teem’d with _new delight_; - Time, cry’d I, haste the coming night, - And Hymen, give me sweet Lisette: - I whisper’d softly in her ear, - And said, the GOD of NIGHT draws near. - Oh, how she look’d! Oh, how she smil’d! Oh, how she sigh’d! - She sigh’d—then spent a joyful tear. - - Now nuptial Night her curtain drew, - And Cupid’s mandate was, “Commence - “With ardour, break the virgin fence;” - Then to the bed sweet Lisette flew— - ’Twas heav’n to view her when she lay, - And hear her cry, Come to me, pray; - Oh, how I feel! Oh, how I pant! Oh, I shall die!— - Shall die before the break of day! - - Soon Manhood rose with furious gust; - And Mars, when he lewd Venus view’d, - Ne’er felt his pow’r so closely screw’d - Up to the standing post of Lust: - But when the stranger to her sight - Sweet Lisette saw in rampant plight, - Oh, how she scream’d! Oh, how she scream’d! Oh, how she scream’d! - She scream’d—then grasp’d the dear delight. - - Now lustful Nature eager grew, - And longer could not wanton toy; - So rushing up the path of joy, - Quick from the fount Love’s liquor flew: - At morn, she cry’d, full three times three - The vivid stream I’ve felt from thee; - Oh, how I’m eas’d! Oh, how I’m pleas’d! Oh, how I’m charm’d! - I’m charm’d with rapt’rous three times three! - - - - -CONVIVIAL. - -Tune, _Mrs. Casey_. - - - When round reflection foggy Care - His dreary damp disperses, - And Prudence, with _didactic_ air, - Her cautious code rehearses; - Then grant us, gods, some glowing wine, - Such foes of glee to banish; - ’Twill make our heart’s _horizon_ shine, - And ev’ry vapour vanish. - - CHORUS. - - Then laugh and drink, - And never think; - Each frisky festive fellow - Will seize the time, - The season’s prime, - T’ enjoy the fruit while mellow. - - The heights of love we can’t attain, - Till wine’s electric potion - Reach the summit of the brain, - To quicken Fancy’s motion: - Then Nature’s _still_, with rapid flow, - In _am’rous fermentation_, - Fills thro’ THE WORM the _vat_ below - With _luscious distillation_. - - When safe arriv’d our LATTER END, - And time to dust shall grind us, - Our _atoms_ can’t the eyes offend - Of neighbours left behind us: - If with the heart-expanding bowl, - Inspiring love and laughter, - We soak the body and the soul, - ’Twill _lay_ the dust _hereafter_. - - The hardy tars more valiant fight, - The soldiers sally quicker, - The poets with more _spirit_ write, - When charg’d with _conqu’ring liquor_: - And to sorrow-sinking hearts - Wine’s the true salvation; - For, take enough, and soon departs - _Suspended animation_. - - His journey soon must end, they say, - Who drives thro’ life so quickly; - And, ere in years his hair turn gray, - His body will be sickly: - If _Velnos’ Syrup_ he pursue, - ’Twill strengthen trunk and twig, Sir; - And if his hair should change its hue, - He can but mount a wig, Sir. - - Kind Fortune, fix the jolly soul - On Plenty’s full-plum’d pinion, - To soar beyond the sad control - Of Poverty’s dominion; - And when, with eager fatal claw, - You take him by the _throttle_, - His precious cork of life to draw, - O Death! don’t _shake_ the _bottle_. - - - - -THE HIGH-METTLED P⸺O. - -Tune, _The Race Horse_. - - - View the lass lewd and lovely, of high sporting race, - Prepar’d to encounter the lustful embrace; - Her t—s wide extended, her tempting breasts bare, - The lustful receiver conceal’d by black hair: - While ruddy and rampant, erecting his crest, - With ardour rebounding from knee to the breast, - The signal observ’d, firmly fix’d on his seat, - The high-mettled P⸺o first starts for the heat. - Full stretch’d, crossing, justling, see onward they rush, - And o’er the same ground three times speedily push; - Till weary’d, worn out, we behold P⸺o tame, - As he crawls off the course lifeless, jaded, and lame. - A short time elaps’d, when examin’d his case, - He’s found sorely injur’d by running the race; - And the high mettl’d P⸺o, erst proud and elate, - Is pronounc’d by the knowing ones in for the plate. - - Confin’d to the stable, shut out from the stud, - Restrain’d in his diet, and oft losing blood, - He’s plaister’d and poultic’d, in linen rags rob’d, - Fir’d, purg’d, and bolus’d, cut, syring’d, and prob’d; - Till burning like stones that are turn’d into lime, - Alas! luckless P⸺o’s cut off in his prime. - Lament the hard fate this sad story informs, - The high-mettl’d P⸺o’s made food for the worms. - - - - -BOTANY BAY. - -Tune, _Liberty Hall_. - - - Britannia, fair guardian of this favour’d land, - Lately sanction’d a scheme, in full Cabinet plann’d, - For transporting her sons who from honour dare stray, - To that sweet spot terrestrial, term’d BOTANY BAY. - Toll de roll, &c. - - Now this BAY, by some blockheads we’ve sagely been told, - Was unknown to the fam’d navigators of old; - But this I deny, in terms homely and blunt, - For BOTANY BAY is the spot we call ⸺. - Toll de roll, &c. - - Our ancestor Adam, ’tis past any doubt, - Was the famous Columbus that found the spot out; - He brav’d ev’ry billow, rock, quicksand, and shore, - To steer thro’ THE PASSAGE none ere steer’d before. - Toll de roll, &c. - - Kind Nature, ere Adam had push’d off to sea, - Bid him be of good cheer, for his pilot she’d be: - Then his cables he slipp’d, and STOOD STRAIGHT for the BAY, - But was stopp’d in his passage about THE MIDWAY. - Toll de roll, &c. - - Avast! Adam cry’d, I’m dismasted, I doubt, - If I don’t tack the HEAD of my VESSEL about; - Take courage, cry’d Nature, and leave it to me, - For ’tis only THE LINE that divides THE RED SEA. - Toll de roll, &c. - - Tho’ shook by the STROKE, Adam’s MAST stood upright, - His BALLAST was steady, his TACKLING quite tight; - Then a breeze springing up, down the RED STRAITS he ran, - And, o’erjoy’d with his voyage, he fir’d off a GREAT GUN. - Toll de roll, &c. - - High from the MAST HEAD, by the help of ONE EYE, - The HEART of the BAY did old Adam espy; - And, alarm’d at a noise—to him Nature did say, - That it was the TRADE WIND, which blows always ONE WAY. - Toll de roll, &c. - - So transported was Adam in BOTANY BAY, - He dame Nature implor’d to SPEND there night and day, - And curious he try’d the BAY’S bottom to sound, - But his LINE was too short by a YARD from the ground. - Toll de roll, &c. - - The time being out, Nature’s sentence had pass’d, - Adam humbly a favour of her bounty ask’d, - That when stock’d with provisions, and ev’ry thing sound, - To BOTANY BAY he again might be bound. - Toll de roll, &c. - - Nature granted the boon both to him and his race, - And said, oft I’ll transport you to that charming place; - But never, cry’d she, as you honour my word, - Set sail with a Clap, Pox, or Famine on board. - Toll de roll, &c. - - Then this BOTANY BAY, or whate’er be the name, - I have prov’d is the spot from whence all of us came; - May we there be transported, like Adam our sire, - And never _return ’fore the time shall expire_. - Toll de roll, &c. - - - - -THE NEWLY-DUBB’D JEW. - -Tune, _Derry Down_. - - - My muse, t’other day, having laughter in view, - Selected George Gordon, the now no more Jew, - Resolving to state, with Mosaic precision, - What befel poor Crop’s P⸺ on the late circumcision. - - The Rabbi appear’d, and the Christian’s foreskin - Was about to be banish’d, to cleanse Crop of sin; - But Gentiles and Jews, mark the cream of the joke, - By Prometheus inspir’d, his P⸺ suddenly spoke. - - Tho’ with fear first poor P⸺o had prudently shrunk, - And, like snail in its shell, snugly hid lay his trunk; - To the Priest then he cry’d, put your knife in its case, - Or, you terrible Cut P⸺k, I’ll piss in your face. - - My Lord stood amaz’d, and the Rabbi was mum, - To hear a thing talk that had ever been dumb; - Tho’ Crop said his P⸺ ne’er obey’d his command, - But always _lay down_ when he wish’d him to _stand_. - - This damnable riot in Crop’s private part, - Baffl’d the Priest and resisted his art, - So he swore, if P⸺ did not cease making a route, - He’d pull out his c—d—m, and muffle his snout. - - Not a crab-louse car’d P⸺ for the Priest and his laws; - He stood up for his _prepuce_, and spoke to the cause; - His language was nervous, his reasoning clear, - And he spoke full as well as the _Members_ elsewhere. - - Your life, cry’d he, Crop’s a mere mock of devotion; - Well spoken, said Cods, who was backing each motion; - Such conduct, he said, combin’d madness and sin; - And Cods swore his friend P⸺ should sleep in a whole skin. - - Now in Akerman’s synagogue Crop’s got a place, - A beard like a Jew doth his pious front grace; - In time ’tis to grow so enormously big, - As to make TOMMY ERSKINE a full-bottom’d wig. - - Mr. P⸺, said Crop, to turn Turk I intend, - And ’mongst smack and smooth eunuchs my days will I end; - Poor P⸺ took the hint, and did woefully weep, - Till his _flesh cap_ flipp’d o’er him, then he fell asleep. - - - - -_The FLATS and the SHARPS of the NATION._ - - - Of Handel’s fam’d Commemoration, - And what was let loose there, I sing, - When the Flats and the Sharps of our nation - Assembled along with their King. - Madam Mara (now mark what will follow) - Her ravishing sounds was imparting; - Momus play’d off a trick on Apollo, - And set the sweet lady a f—t—g. - - At Sowgelders’ Hall, rural scene, - The seat of a Knight and his swine, - The musical Madam had been - Invited by Mawbey to dine: - So the cause of this windy commotion - Was owing, if we’re not mistaken, - To her bolting too great a proportion - Of pease-pudding and gammon of bacon. - - Sir John Hawky, the musical Knight, - Who in wit all the Quorum surpasses, - And to whom, if we judge of him right, - The wise men of Greece were mere asses, - Has defin’d Antient Music to be - What sprung from the bottom of Madam, - And that under the wisdom-fraught tree - Eve f—t—d in concert with Adam. - - Now those sages renown’d in our nation, - The fam’d F.R.S.es, do tell us, - That to blow up the coals of creation, - The bum is a species of bellows. - But Priestley, who loves to oppose, - Doth a different system insist on, - And swears that he’s led by the nose - To pronounce it a Cask of Phlogiston. - - The moment the Lady let fly, - Billington, Storacci, and Kelly, - With laughter were ready to die - At the pickle of poor Rubinelli; - For Rubi, the father of screeches, - In laughing at Mara, so strain’d it, - That his PIPE let the piss in his breeches, - For no CISTERN has he to retain it. - - Hurlowe Thrumbo, your wonder ’twill raise, - Is of catgut so charming a scraper, - That, old Orpheus-like, when he plays, - The trees and the brutes round him caper. - He blasted the Thing I won’t name, - Hop’d she’d burst on the rock of damnation; - But he stopp’d when the Bishop cry’d “Shame, - “Brother, think of the late proclamation.” - - That famous reformist, Jack Wilkes, - Martin Luther the Second now deem’d, - Sat in converse with Lawn Sleeves and Silks, - And declar’d Sacred Music blasphem’d; - But Jack turning round to Jem Twitch, - Swore ’twas like the affair on the Terrace, - When Bethsheba, impudent bitch, - Shew’d bollocking David her bare arse. - - Now Sir Watkin ap Williams ap Wynne, - Who came from whence came John ap Morgan, - Roar’d out to the band-leading Bates, - To drown the FOUL NOISE with _bur_ organ: - So Bates, by a blast of the bellows, - Made peace and sweet sounds rule the roast; - Then drink about, laughing fellows— - For f⸺g and fiddling’s my toast. - - - - -RUNNYMEDE PILLAR. - -Air, _I can’t for my Life guess the Cause of this Fuss_. - - - To celebrate deeds of renown, ’tis agreed - That a pillar on fam’d Runnymede be erected: - MEN of PARTS of all parties then here may proceed, - To relate how this wonderful work is effected. - The pillar’s to stand in Middlesex land, - BUSHY PARK’S CENTRE’S the sweet pleasure ground; - A strong-fenc’d retreat, well water’d and sweet, - Where Adam first FELL, Runnymede’s to be found. - - CHORUS. - - Rare Runnymede such pleasures producing, - No language of mortals is equal to tell; - Tho’ Moses declines it, my Muse thus defines it: - The paradise where our progenitors FELL. - - When the midwife, our welcome deliverer, came, - Runnymede witness’d a great revolution; - From bondage she brought us, and Nature, dear dame, - To Britain’s brave sons gave their good Constitution: - For blessings like these, let gratitude seize - The CRITICAL MINUTE its ardour to shew; - The STONES first prepare the PILLAR to rear, - Then DISCHARGE in this MEDE the just debt that we owe. - Rare Runnymede, &c. - - When Eve, with a mixture of fear and surprise, - Beheld the HUGE PILLAR of Adam erected, - Her bare bosom heav’d, and gave vent to soft sighs, - While with curious eye she the structure inspected. - O’erjoy’d did she trace the MOSS round its base, - But its altitude did her chaste senses appal; - Eve fainted away, and Moses doth say, - That her apron of fig-leaves flew up in the fall. - Rare Runnymede, &c. - - Adam’s instinct divine display’d powers that prove, - Mighty man most sagacious of Nature’s creation; - Eve’s distress he beheld, and, in pity, Love - His COLUMN convey’d to its dear destination. - What follow’d, you’ll find, is wisely design’d, - And the Hercules’ Pillar of Pagan renown - Ne’er long could stand in Middlesex land, - Adam’s BASIS gave way, so the Pillar fell down. - Rare Runnymede, &c. - - By the magical touch of his heaven-tun’d lyre, - Amphion, the Theban King, wonders effected; - Stones erst in confusion his sounds did inspire, - They danc’d, and we’re told tow’ring walls were erected. - Such harmonic sway this Mede doth display, - And from chaos, thus transient, can order restore; - A quick resurrection succeeds the defection, - To meet the same fate that befel it before. - Rare Runnymede, &c. - - That architect, old Mother Phillips I mean, - Doth cases prepare of a curious constructure, - From the fury of fire _standing Pillars_ to screen, - As light’ning’s disarm’d by th’ _attractive Conductor_: - But curst be her traffic for THINGS POLYGRAPHIC; - To vend for original, Pillars she plann’d; - Monuments base usurping the place, - Where alone the PROUD PILLAR of Nature should stand. - Rare Runnymede, &c. - - Tho’ partisans differ, in this all agree, - From Reason’s clear light, and from Nature’s dictation, - That THE MEDE, at this moment, my mind’s eye doth see, - Is alone the sweet spot for the PROUD PILLAR’S station. - There stout may it stand, resisting Time’s hand: - And, Nature, great architect, as thee we prize! - From fire protect it, when down don’t neglect it, - Let it RISE but to FALL, let it FALL but to RISE. - Rare Runnymede, &c. - - - - -THE BANKRUPT BAWD. - -Tune, _Vicar of Bray_. - - - Near Jermyn-street a BAWD did trade, - In credit, style, and splendor, - Well known to ev’ry _high-bred_ blade, - And those of _doubtful_ gender: - How Nature once, in _marring_ mood, - Her body form’d, I’ll tell ye, - Upon her back a _swelling stood_, - To mock her _barren belly_. - - CHORUS. - - For some succeed, and others fail, - That into commerce enter, - So sew are chaste, and many frail, - In this _great trading Center_. - - In _coney skins_ her _commerce_ lay, - A charming stock she’d laid in; - She ne’er to _smugglers_ fell a prey, - Her practice was _fair trading_: - These skins when _dress’d_ were _red_ and _white_, - The _fur_ of each _fair creature_, - Of diff’rent hues, hath day and night - Kept warm man’s _naked nature_. - For some succeed, &c. - - The trading stock of this OLD BAWD - A _vital stab_ sustain’d, sir; - The news like _wild-fire_ flew abroad, - Each customer _complain’d_, sir; - Some _coney-skins_ lay with a lot, - By caution uninspected; - So _quarantine_, alas! forgot, - _Foul plague_ the whole infected. - For some succeed, &c. - - Now OLD and YOUNG her shop forsook, - Insolvent was her plight, sir, - When _Habeas Corpus_ Catchpole took - Her body off by night, sir; - From _Banco Regis_ civil law, - To liquidate her debt, sir, - Between _the sheets_ this OLD BAWD saw - _Of London’s fam’d Gazette_, sir. - For some succeed, &c. - - To give each creditor his due, - Three men, _the Lord’s Anointed_, - JACK WILKES, LORD SANDWICH, and OLD Q., - Were Assignees appointed: - But, luckless Bawd! the after day - Her stock _on fire_ they found, sir; - So ’twas agreed she could not pay - A _cundum_ in the pound, sir. - For some succeed, &c. - - The skin (_her own_) this Bawd had left, - Each Assignee did handle; - ’Twas found of all its _fur bereft_, - By singing flame of candle: - Some _butter’d bunns_ conceal’d within, - Old Q.’s keen eye beset, sir; - So Wilkes defin’d this coney skin - A _fund for floating debt_, sir. - For some succeed, &c. - - By _headlong lust_ her claimants led, - They seiz’d her _mortal treasure_; - The _furless_ coney skin was spread, - A _dividend_ past measure. - Now all _came in_, not one _stood out_; - THE BAWD was set at large, sir; - Her coney skin (of _worth_, no doubt) - Did ev’ry MAN _discharge_, sir. - For some succeed, &c. - - - - -MEDLEY. - -Air, _Bow Wow_. - - - Silence, humbugs all, and I’ll sing you a merry song; - Like our lives, ’tis a medley, neither short nor very long; - I mean plainly to prove, that in high and low station, - Hub, bub, bub, bub, boo, is the business of the nation. - Hub, bub, boo, fal, lal, &c. - - As late from the hall Hurlow Thrumbo came growling, - A carman’s great dog at his coach set up howling; - Enrag’d with the brute, Hurlow let down the glass, sir, - Cry’d, “whose dog is that?” quoth the carman, “ask his a—, sir.” - - The coachman drove on; but ere he’d driven very far, - Two wheels were left behind, and snap went the splinter bar; - Hurlow roar’d out aloud (tho’ no doubt he did wrong to’t), - For he blasted the bar, and all that _belong’d_ to’t. - - ’Tis not long ago, since poor Jack, the Brighton taylor, - For stitching well a _button-hole_, was pinn’d up by the jailor: - The trial tells us, by surprise, snip seiz’d an artless lass, sir, - And cabbag’d her virginity, the best piece of her a—, sir. - - The maiden scream’d, and snip teem’d with love’s delicious liquor; - O there never was a taylor that could stitch it nine times quicker; - Twas ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, - Till he work’d up all the thread, then he ripp’d up the slit O. - - “R⸺,” dames cry, “what a ravishing creature! - “His pipe! and his shake! and each delicate feature!” - But la! what a pity, divine R⸺! - Your pipe can but carry the p— from your belly! - Bow, wow, wow, &c. - - If wedlock’s your plan, ere you scheme to open trenches, - Humbugs pray take heed of our modern made-up wenches: - Fore and aft they are plump to view, but feel, and you will find, sir, - They’ve bubbies like blown bladders, and all is hum behind, sir. - - Oh poverty! our purses spare, and pains, do not perplex us, - Still the cheerful song we’ll chaunt, nor shall trifles ever vex us; - But leave to dreary dull dogs their cheerless hours to spend, sir, - Whilst we, in mirthful mood, meet our bottles, c⸺s, and friends, sir. - - Now the sequel of my song mark well each humbug brother, - Tho’ here we laugh, drink and joke, and humbug one another; - When out of wind, Death hums us, and we’re sent the Lord knows where, - sir, - If we’ve humbugg’d the Devil, I’ll be d⸺d if we need fear, sir. - - - - -HUMBUG CLUB CONSTITUTIONAL SONG. - -Air, _The Roast Beef of Old England_. - - - This tastey gay town’s grown of humbug so full, - That ev’ry new day starts new matter to gull, - Credulity’s known by the name of John Bull. - O the humbugs of Old England; - How finely Old England’s humbugg’d! - - Sham patriots profess, with a plausible grace, - The nerves of the nation they shortly could brace, - But _pro bono publico_ means a good place. - O the humbugs, &c. - - Here clergy the minister flatter and fawn, - Stick close to his skirts to secure sleeves of lawn, - And the curate’s old cassock goes weekly to pawn. - O the humbugs, &c. - - The dunce is dubb’d doctor, _sans_ sense in his head, - And fame unacquir’d is thro’ quackery spread, - With cures that are cureless credulity’s fed. - O the humbugs, &c. - - The captain’s a compound of flash and cockade, - Cosmetics, pink powder, with curl carronade, - And his feats are confin’d to box-lobby parade. - O the humbugs, &c. - - Now lawyers are licens’d their clients to cheat, - Trading justices equity tread under feet, - And rascally runners all rogu’ry greet. - O the humbugs, &c. - - The stage, to amuse us, sings “Fal de Ral Tit,” - With “Che chow cherry chow, and cherry chow chit;” - And then, to humbug us, they puff it as wit. - O the humbugs, &c. - - So now, brother humbugs, you all plainly see, - That few modern modes from humbugging are free; - Let’s distinguish _our humbug_ with wine, wit, and glee. - O the humbugs, &c. - - - - -The celebrated patroness of the young Chimney Sweepers, whose hard fate -was so often deplored by the late Jonas Hanway, has had fitted up an -elegant apartment in her town residence, decorated with Feathers; here -follows a description of what is termed “THE FEATHER’D ROOM.” - - - I. - - The blue-stocking club, when abandon’d by fame, - On a project resolv’d to revive a lost name, - So for each member’s comfort in life’s chilling gloom, - Old mother M⸺tague feather’d her room. - - CHORUS. - - Sing a Ballynamona oro, - A fine feather’d chamber for me. - - II. - - Like old mother Philips, tho’ doubtless her betters, - These blue-stocking ladies are _ladies of letters_; - Not in love, but in learning, their passions prevail, - And they _feather the head_ whilst they _moult at the tail_. - - III. - - An Irish upholsterer Murphy’s the man, - Who furnished my muse with a sketch of this plan; - To guard off the wind that hard by the spot gathers, - He told me she’d _paper’d_ her front room with _feathers_. - - IV. - - By the hair-broom of Nature this room was neglected, - Here lay dust undisturbed, and there cobweb collected; - Till a lewd son of Adam, a son of a whore, - To get into the room had _burst open the door_. - - V. - - Then wicked wit W⸺ and old lolly-pop Q⸺, - This fine feather’d drawing-room hasten’d to view; - Old Q⸺ first got in, but he soon turn’d about, - For the feathers flew round him and _tickl’d his snout_. - - VI. - - W⸺ stood undismay’d at old Q⸺’s queer mishap, - And swore, tho’ the devil should stand in the gap, - Into it he’d wriggle; when in it he got, - He turn’d pale and fell sick, and dropt dead on the spot. - - VII. - - Birds of passage, alas! all us mortals are here, - Exclaim’d Johnny W⸺ when he spent his last tear; - In his last dying speech, he declar’d with dejection, - He’d not the least hope of a flesh resurrection. - - VIII. - - Now ere like Johnny W⸺ my muse gives up the ghost, - She leaves, as a legacy, Nature’s first toast; - The front room of Eve Adam fill’d full of sin, - _Well feather’d_ without, and _well furnish’d within_. - - - - -LITTLE PERU, OR THE WICKLOW GOLD-MINE. - - - I. - - My sweet native land, the first place of my birth there, - Good luck to you dear if the story be true, - In your bowels I’m told on the face of the earth there, - Lies Mexico’s wealth, a snug little Peru; - Back to Ireland I’ll trot and fall digging for riches, - These two eyes no longer shall pewter behold, - For a pair I’ll get measur’d of ready-made breeches, - And copper both pockets with pure virgin gold. - - II. - - Come then brother Pats and pack up your odd matters, - Leave nothing behind you but what you can take, - ’Tis your turn to laugh at John Bull’s rags and tatters, - No longer at Pat can he fun and game make. - No more with sweet butter-milk whitewash your bodies, - No more with potatoes your full stomachs cram, - As Plutus, not Patrick, old Ireland’s rich God is, - Drink champaign and venison, with rasberry jam. - - III. - - You chairmen from Ireland, big blackguards call’d ponies, - Case you up and down, fan away tabbies in chairs, - You’ll soon be all jontlemen and macaronies, - If your prize in Peru only comes up in shares. - I think I now see you all swell, strut, and swagger, - With big lumps of nature’s coin’d gold in your hand, - When by whiskey tight-laced up St. James’s you stagger, - Bid tabbies go carry themselves and be d⸺d. - - IV. - - And you flashy captains who oft go recruiting, - ’Mongst England’s brisk widows, fond daughters and wives, - Leave war for a peace, and don’t be after shooting - Of Frenchmen, to frighten them out of their lives. - What’s honour and glory to flush ready rhino, - Without which no captain can keep up the ball, - Quick march to Peru, the sweet spot you and I know, - Fill your bellies with full pay and half-pay and all. - - V. - - Oh! you my Bath Bobadils hunting for acres, - And shaking your elbows, cry seven’s the main, - For the bodies of belles you’re the live undertakers, - But you take them, it’s true, for no prospect of gain. - It’s not for a gold-mine you Bobadils marry, - ’Tis all for pure love, beauty, temper, and grace! - ’Tis for kindness and tenderness said Captain Larry, - Who kill’d his last wife by too tight an embrace. - - VI. - - Ye limbs of the law living on little pittances, - Fertile in quibbles, tho’ barren in fees, - Yet pregnant with bother ’bout Irish remittances, - Which you mighty well know never cross the salt seas; - Leave the law’s crooked path for the straight path of pleasure, - The road to Peru is the turnpike to wealth; - And when you walk thro’ it pursuing your treasure, - Pay as you come back, when your purse is in health. - - VII. - - You gentlemen all in St. Giles’s gay quarter, - To carry a hod, make you shoulder an ass, - My tight peep of day boys, leave stones, bricks, and mortar, - Come one after t’other, rise all in a mass. - Go taste but the water of Wicklow’s clear fountain, - And then, in a moment, you’ll miracles find; - By the stream that runs up to the top of the mountain, - Like a watch case of gold will your bodies be lin’d. - - VIII. - - And you L⸺M⸺M like penny-post walking, - All up and down London to bother the stones, - In a pair of jack boots there no longer be stalking, - But to Ireland convey yourself, body, and bones. - As an absentee go and dwell on your estate then, - “Lay the root to the axe” of your tenants distress, - A slice of Peru for old Pompey the great then, - Will make him look bigger sure never the less. - - IX. - - And you father O’Burke, first of Irish defenders, - Of war and corruption, of tyrants and slaves, - Protector of kings, not of humbug pretenders, - So you pray for their lives, and keep digging their graves. - As their old priest and sexton you’ve got a snug pension, - The gift of our king, wealthy, worthy, and wise; - ’Twas to make you see clearer, ah! lucky invention, - He threw the gold dust of Peru in your eyes. - - X. - - Jew Aaron of old, in the absence of Moses, - Set up a gold calf, a strange fancy I think; - When Moses came back, they pull’d each others noses, - Burnt the gold calf, and mixt it with water to drink. - To be sure for pure gold with some silver alloy now, - I shan’t be of worship and gratitude full; - But I make a calf when you know my dear joy now, - For half the expence I can make a nate bull. - - XI. - - While planning prosperity for brother paddies dear, - I took up the news, called the National Star; - I read it aloud, and was mightily vex’d to hear - Peru had been seiz’d for the king, not the war. - So said I to myself, talking to a bye-stander, - I hate all damn’d wars and their consequent ills; - But Peru for the king, sedition and slander, - ’Tis to pay future ministers’ blunders and bills. - - - - -THE BLUE VEIN, A TRUE WELCH STORY. - - - I. - - Ye fun-loving fellows for comical tales, - Match this if you can, truly current in Wales; - The bible so old, and the testament new, - Have none more authentic, more faithful, or true. - Four frisky maidens, young, handsome, and plump, - Who cou’d each crack a flea on their bubbies or rump, - Took it into their heads, just to bother the tail - Of Ned Natty, a groom, so they jalap’d his ale. - - II. - - Now Ned on red herrings that ev’ning did sup, - So he drank ev’ry drop of the gripe-giving cup, - Soon his guts ’gan to grumble, and shortly Ned found - His bowels give way, and his body unbound: - The buckskin’s gay leather, by gallows confin’d, - Could not be cut down ’till indecently lin’d, - This made Neddy’s P⸺o, accustom’d to sprout, - Shrink into his belly, and turn up his snout. - - III. - - The time this damn’d jalap in Ned’s belly lurk’d, - No post-horse like Neddy was ever so work’d, - Three nights and three days he lay squirting in bed, - And neither could hold up his tail nor his head: - The storm, at length, ceasing, purg’d Ned ’gan to think - On some revenge sweet for this damnable stink, - “For I’m damn’d,” exclaim’d Ned, “if these bitches shan’t find - “That I’m cabbag’d before, tho’ I’m loosen’d behind.” - - IV. - - ’Twas early one morn, exercising his steed, - Ned saw an old gipsey hag crossing the mead, - Straight he hail’d her, and said, “Woman, where do you hie?” - She replied, “to tell fortunes of females hard by”: - Now these females Ned found were his jalapping friends, - So he thought it the season to make them amends, - Then he brib’d for the cant, and the gipsey’s old cloaths; - Thus equipp’d, said Ned, trick for trick, damn me, here goes. - - V. - - First Molly, the cook-maid, he took by the hand, - From her greasy palm, told her what fortune had plann’d, - She was soon to be married, each year have a brat, - “Indeed,” cried the cooky, “how can you tell that?” - “I’ll tell you the number,” said Ned, “let me see - The blue vein that’s low plac’d ’twixt the navel and knee,” - When she pull’d up her cloaths, Ned exclaim’d, “I declare - Your blue vein I can’t see, ’tis so cover’d with hair.” - - VI. - - Next dairy-maid Dolly, of letchery full, - Swore she was then breeding, for she’d had the bull; - To the gipsey, said Doll, “can you, old woman, tell - Whether bull or cow calf make my belly so swell?” - When he view’d her blue vein, he said, “Doll, by my troth, - You must find out two fathers, for you will have both,” - For the squire and the curate, when heated with ale, - Doll Dairy had milk’d in her amorous pail. - - VII. - - Now Kitty, the house-maid, so frisky and fair, - Who smelt none the sweeter for carrotty hair, - Presenting her palm to the gipsey so shrewd, - Was candidly told that her nature was lewd: - While feeling the vein near her gold-girted nick, - Kate play’d the old gipsey a slippery trick, - So Kate, that had ne’er been consider’d a whore, - Was told she’d miscarried the morning before. - - VIII. - - Then came Peggy the prude, who no bawdy could bear, - Yet wou’d tickle the lap-dog while combing his hair; - “Is the butler, my sweetheart,” said Peggy, “sincere, - “And shall we be married, pray, gipsey, this year?” - Quoth the gipsey, “you’ll have him for better or worse, - “But you’ll find that his corkscrew is not worth a curse; - “So when you are wed, ’twill be o’er the town talk’d, - “There goes Peggy, a bottle, most damnably cork’d.” - - IX. - - Now Ned, thus reveng’d, bid the maidens good day, - But, curious, they ask’d him a moment to stay, - For said Molly, the cook-maid, “we all long to see - “If you’ve a blue vein ’twixt the navel and knee:” - Ned pull’d up his cloaths, Sir, when to their surprise, - They beheld his blue vein of a wonderful size, - The sight Kate the carrotty couldn’t withstand, - She grasp’d the blue vein ’till it burst in her hand. - - X. - - So alarm’d, the prude Peggy fell into strong fits, - Frighten’d cook and Doll dairy went out of their wits; - Then carrotty Kitty to gipsey Ned spoke, - “We’ll each give a guinea to stifle the joke:” - But Ned swore that no money should silence his tongue, - That the tale should be told in a mirth-moving song; - “As a caution,” cry’d Ned, “to all Abigails frail, - “That there’s more fun in f⸺g than jalapping ale.” - - XI. - - The story like wildfire o’er Cambria was spread, - From the borders of Chester, to fam’d Holyhead, - In a vein of good humour, the vein that is blue, - Will long be remember’d by me and by you: - Then fill a bright bumper to honour this vein, - A bumper of pleasure to badger all pain; - So hear us, celestials, gay mortals below! - Drink c—t, the blue vein, wherein floods of joy flow. - - - - -COUNTRY LIFE. - -_Written by CAPTAIN MORRIS._ - -WITH ADDITIONAL STANZAS BY MR. HEWERDINE, MARKED BY INVERTED COMMAS. - -Captain Morris’s song is here inserted, for the sake of the answer that -follows. - - - In LONDON I never know what to be at— - Enraptur’d with this, and transported with that; - I’m wild with the sweets of variety’s plan— - And life seems a blessing too happy for man! - - But the COUNTRY (Lord bless us!) sets all matters right— - So calm and composing from morning to night: - Oh, it settles the stomach, when nothing is seen - But an ass on a common—a goose on a green! - - In LONDON how easy we visit and meet!— - Gay pleasure’s the theme, and sweet smiles are our treat; - Our mornings a round of good humour delight— - And we rattle in comfort and pleasure all night! - - In the COUNTRY how pleasant our visits to make, - Thro’ ten miles of mud, for formality’s sake; - With the coachman in drink, and the moon in a fog, - And no thought in our head—but a ditch or a bog! - - In LONDON, if folks ill together are put, - A _bore_ may be roasted, a _quiz_ may be cut. - “In the COUNTRY your friends would feel angry and sore, - “Call an old maid a _quiz_, or a parson a _bore_.” - - In the COUNTRY you’re nail’d like a pale in your park, - To some stick of a neighbour cramm’d into the ark; - Or, if you are sick, or in fits tumble down, - You reach death, ere the doctor can reach you from town. - - I’ve heard that how love in a cottage is sweet, - When two hearts in one link of soft sympathy meet:— - I know nothing of that; for, alas, I’m a swain - Who requires (I own it) more links to MY chain! - - Your jays and your magpies may chatter on trees, - And whisper soft nonsense in groves if they please: - But a house is much more to my mind than a tree; - And, for groves—oh, a fine grove of chimneys for me! - - “In the ev’ning you’re screw’d to your chairs fist to fist, - “All stupidly yawning at sixpenny whist; - “And, tho’ win or lose, ’tis as true as ’tis strange, - “You’ve nothing to pay—the good folks _have no change!_ - - “But, for singing and piping, your time to engage, - “You’ve cock and hen bullfinches coop’d in a cage; - “And what music in nature can make you so feel, - “As a pig in a gate stuck, or knife-grinder’s wheel! - - “I grant, if in fishing you take much delight, - “In a punt you may shiver from morning to night; - “And, tho’ blest with the patience that JOB had of old, - “The devil a thing do you catch—but a _cold_! - - “Yet ’tis charming to hear, just from boarding-school come, - “A Tit-up tune up an old family strum: - “Play _God save the King_ in an excellent tone, - “With the sweet variation of _Old Bob and Joan_! - - “But, what tho’ your appetite’s in a weak state, - “A pound at a time they will push on your plate:— - “’Tis true, as to health, you’ve no cause to complain; - “For they’ll drink it, GOD bless ’em, _again and again_!” - - Then in TOWN let me live, and in TOWN let me die; - For, in truth, I can’t relish the COUNTRY—not I. - If I must have a villa in LONDON to dwell, - Oh, give me the sweet shady side of Pall-mall! - - - - -THE ANSWER TO CAPTAIN MORRIS’S SONG, “_The COUNTRY LIFE_.” - - - I. - - As town-bitten bards, bred in fashion and noise, - The country decry, and its health yielding joys; - Let us fairly examine the preference due - To the smoak-smother’d town, o’er the villa’s clear view. - - II. - - At ev’ry town tavern you turn in to dine, - Tho’ your dinner’s half cold, smoaking hot is your wine; - Then how pleasant and wholesome while picking your bone, - The mix’d odour of other folks food and your own. - - III. - - Then noisy and drunk, scarcely feeling their legs, - Bucks sup at the M⸺, on hash’d duck, oysters, eggs, - Eggs pregnant with chick, oysters sp—d up before, - The duck dainty fed in the streets common sewer. - - IV. - - Yet, how charming Vauxhall in a cold rainy night, - To hear dull-hacknied ditties to music so trite; - You’ve a thin slice of ham, town-made wine thick and flat: - View a tinman’s cascade, and a fidler’s cock’d hat! - - V. - - See Ranelagh! folly and fashion’s resort, - And vapid masqued balls, where Intrigue holds her court; - There girls are “loose fishes,” pull’d up in their turns; - There wives are harpoon’d, and dull husbands get horns. - - VI. - - The dance is _bon ton_—and in hot sultry weather - Sticks the sexes like two pats of butter together! - And when you get into the heart of the hop, - You’re pinion’d like fowls in a poulterer’s shop. - - VII. - - But routes for fine fellows, fine feathers to see, - Strong _liqueurs_ for ladies, who love to make free; - Old tabbies at cards, over old fashion’d fans, - Peeping, cheating, and squinting in each others hands. - - VIII. - - Then at dinners and concerts see fidlers so fine, - Bolt hot macaroni, drink rare foreign wine; - There musical dames, at each shift and each shake, - Die away, “_amoroso_,” for fiddle-stick’s sake. - - IX. - - In a vortex of dust, thro’ the sun’s scorching ray, - A rotten-row ride on a Sunday how gay; - Thro’ a long lane of lacqueys you meet your hard fate, - Screw’d in and screw’d out of a damn’d narrow gate. - - X. - - Then how cursedly civil when folks in town roam, - To leave cards with their friends, when they know they’re _from home_; - In the country, glad welcome our visits attends, - We’ve no humbugging, card-dropping, shy-fighting friends. - - XI. - - In London, while day-light, not long are you clean; - At night you’re bug bitten, scarce fit to be seen; - Thus amusement and exercise fall in your way, - For you’re scratching all night, and you’re scrubbing all day. - - XII. - - In the streets oft you meet a queer stick of a fellow, - Who pokes in your eye his sharp-pointed umbrella; - But the measure of danger is scarcely half full, - When a flow’r-pot dropt down, breaks itself and your scull. - - XIII. - - If in London the doctors should shorten life’s date, - To lie long in the grave’s, not the dead bodies fate; - For surgeon, clerk, sexton, and coachman conspire, - To mangle the corpse, and the bones join with wire. - - XIV. - - In the country we’re healthy, all vigour and spunk, - No doctor we want, but to make him dead drunk; - Nor yet patent-coffins; for, once in the ground, - Our bodies are snug, till the trumpet’s last sound. - - XV. - - Now suppose you a flat, and addicted to play, - In London a sharp will seize on you as prey; - He’ll the passion promote, make you drink, though not dry, - And filch your fair prospects by _loading the die_. - - XVI. - - Then the sports of the field, a fine view of the sea, - Friend and bottle, girl, Cutter, and cottage give me; - At smoak’d _rus in urbe_ let other bards dwell, - Keep me from Pall Mall, Piccadilly, and _Hell_![1] - -[1] A famous gambling-house so called in the vicinity of S. James’s. - - - - -ADDITIONAL STANZAS. - - - I. - - At the play among loungers and doxies you’re cramm’d, - To hear wretched stuff that has just not been damn’d; - Take cold with your back ’gainst an open door box, - Get a crick in the neck, and a c⸺ full of p—x! - - II. - - Sublime your sensations, arise, when you hear - The codless Italian, with pipe shrill and clear; - But we in the country, whom cocknies call clods, - All glory in raising our pipes with our—c⸺ds. - - III. - - At night, half seas over, returning from club, - You run foul of a nightman, and his nose-gay tub; - And a jordan perhaps, on your noddle may split, - So before you get home, you’re bepiss’d or be-s—t! - - IV. - - In the country to see us would do your hearts good, - Such pieces we push at, of pure flesh and blood; - Take a flyer in town, ’tis a hot butter’d bun, - And you’re certain to pay thro’ your nose for the fun. - - V. - - At the playhouse or opera when you approach, - How sweet to be stuck in a stinking hack-coach; - And when you alight, still your patience to try, - A strange hand’s in your pocket, a link’s in your eye. - - - - -GOODY BURTON’s ALE. - -Tune, _The Dusty Miller_. - - - Goody Burton’s ale - Gets into my noddle, - ’Tis so stout and pale, - It makes me widdle waddle; - When I came to ask, - Who the brewing taught her, - I found out each cask - Was brew’d by—Goody’s daughter. - - Now I long’d to see - Goody’s buxom brewer, - Hoping I should be - The only one to woe her; - When I spoke her soft, - I meant not to fool her, - So I went aloft, - And warm’d her in the _cooler_. - - Oh! what flesh and blood! - Malt, and hop, and water, - Are not near so good - As Goody Burton’s daughter; - I made her heart right glad, - For till I came across it, - She had never had - A _spigot_ in her _fauset_. - - Nightly at my door - Comes a gentle rapping, - ’Tis Miss Burton sure, - Who wants her barrel _tapping_; - When her barrel’s tapp’d, - She with art and cunning, - Turns the patent cock, - And sets the _liquor running_. - - Other folks I hear, - Pant for Betsy Burton, - But I’ve nought to fear, - So I let her flirt on; - If her cask runs low, - Slowly comes the liquor, - Betsy tilts it _so_, - And makes it come the _quicker_. - - Mellow up and ripe, - I and Parson Cottle, - Sit behind a pipe, - And quaff the ale in bottle; - Goody Burton bye, - Sings to please the parson, - While Miss B. and I - Carry Nature’s—_farce on_. - - By the yeast I swear, - Yielding fermentation, - To the home-brew’d beer, - The neighbour’s admiration, - This the maid will tell, - The Bard’s no bragging talker, - Like ale, to keep her well, - Well, by Jove,—I _cork her_. - - - - -THE LADIES’ WIGS. - -Tune, _Moll in the Wad_. - - - You’ll pardon me, ma’am, I’m quite a gig, - Is it your hair, or is it a wig? - Upon my life, I mean no quiz, - But is’t your own, or the barber his friz? - Because if it is, ’tis a very neat friz, - Whether it’s yours—or whether it’s his; - But if it’s a wig, it’s a little too big, - And you’ll dance it off in a reel or a jig. - - Post-chaises, coaches, chairs, and gigs, - Are let as jobs like ladies’ light wigs; - And scandal gossips (madam) say - Yours is a jasey hir’d by the day. - Be that as it may, it’s a very cheap way, - Jaseys to lett of all colours but grey; - But, what do I see, that gives me such glee, - You’re cocking your cap and your caxon at me. - - Now into a scrape, by love, I’m led, - Your wig, dear ma’am, has twisted my head; - My heart, too, I feel, goes pitty pat, - But what care you or your jasey for that; - Yet I’m no flat—I know what I’m at, - I’ll soon mount a wig of my own to match that: - I care not a fig—the woman I twig - I’ll marry, by jasey, in spite of her wig. - - The light or dark, brown, black, or flax, - No jasey pays Pitt’s hair-powder tax; - And when with men, maids romp and play, - How cool to throw the wiggy away; - By night or by day, to frisk, romp, or play, - On carpet, bed, sopha, green grass, or new hay; - Whate’er it’s upon, a little crim. con., - With a lady’s rough jasey’s _expensive bon ton_. - - Pray, ma’am, does the colour of your scratch - With the hair of your _madgery_ match? - Perhaps as it is the kick and go, - You’ve mounted, ma’am, a merkin below! - But the merkin you’ll find, from water and wind, - Strong torrents before, and stiff breezes behind, - Will not stick at all; but with glue to the cawl, - ’Twill stick like a snug _swallow’s nest_ to the wall! - - Ah, happy, happy, happy hour, - When I get your wig in my pow’r; - Then we’ll count the coming joys, - Buxom girls, and prattling boys; - Dolls, trinkets, and toys to feast their young eyes, - And lullaby ditties to quiet their noise; - While sweet lolly-pob stops the sigh and the sob, - Sing higgledy, piggledy, jiggummy bob. - - CHORUS. - - So bibere bob, - Let’s all hob and nob, - To the ladies’ brown bob, - And sing plenty of money in ev’ry fob. - - - - -A GENTLEMAN’s WIG. - -Tune, _Derry Down_. - - - I sing not of despots, or slaves who submit, - Not of farmer GEORGE, JENKY, DUNDAS, FOX, or PITT! - My ballad’s the bantling of laughter and gig, - ’Tis of an old cock in a c—tified wig. - - ’Gainst the poll-tax of Pitt this old codger did rave, - Like a felon transported, it forc’d him to shave; - “Tho’ tried for my life,” said th’ old buck, I’ll rob - The tail of some DOLLY to build a brown bob. - - Near Somerset House he fell in with a tit, - And he thought, for his purpose, the c—tling was fit; - But, when he examin’d her parts, d’ye see, - All the hair of her c—t would’nt make a toupee. - - The same night he pick’d up a merry-ars’d wench, - With hair quantum suff. for the wisdom-wig’d bench; - Whilst on her back sleeping as fast as a top, - He with keen-cutting scissars her c—t made _a crop_. - - Away went the thief, and the barber received - The booty, for which a fine cawl he had weav’d; - But strange! whilst old RAZOR the wig had in hand, - The _pole_ in his breeches did constantly stand. - - Well pleas’d with his plight, Razor laid by his work, - And lather’d the beard of his wife like a Turk; - Keep the wig, said she, Love, don’t expose it for sale, - ’Tis a _bob_ for your head, and a _bob_ for my _tail_. - - The wig frizz’d and curl’d, closely shav’d Codger’s nob; - Away went the barber to try on the bob; - But the bob waxing warm, Codger’s passions did rise, - Which brought _tears_ in his breeches, instead of his _eyes_. - - In rampant condition he flew to a fair, - And per chance met the Dolly he’d robb’d of her hair, - She whipp’d off the wig, cloath’d his parts with the cawl, - So in went his dry bob, and wet bob, and all. - - Now we know to be true what anatomists state, - That the fountain of love is supplied from the pate; - ’Twas the jasey provoking,—sirs, mark what I say,— - Made his fountain of love in love’s bason to play. - - Then take my advice, ye old cocks of the game, - Whenever you find your _wild_ passions grown _tame_; - Get a wig made of hair, from the spot ye all prize, - And in spite of your _prudence_ your p—o will _rise_. - - - - -AN IRISH DYING DITTY. - - - I am in my nature as brisk as a fly, - Resolving to live the day after I die; - And when I am dead, this live body to save, - Plant a peck of potatoes plump over my grave; - Then, hedge me well round with some big pebble stones, - Else father Mai’s pigs will soon root up my bones; - For sure foolish I’d look at the trumpet’s last sound, - When my body’s to rise, and no bones to be found. - - As I’ve nothing to leave, so I’ve made my last will, - Chalk’d up on a slate, without paper or quill; - And JUDAH my wife, the delight of my bed, - Swears she won’t open it till I am dead; - With tears in her eyes too, that did her face souse, - She vows she’ll keep single, tho’ I quit the house; - When I know that the moment my back’s to her face, - She’ll be flying to Paddy O’Blarney’s embrace. - - Good luck t’her, say I, for the comfort I’ve had, - For when I was merry, she always was sad; - Dead husbands, she tells me, are not worth a curse, - And live ones are often no better than worse. - When she sleeps all alone, she’s all night wide awake, - And dreams that the devil her conscience will take; - To drive him away from her head, my sweet bride - Must have a live spouse to lie by her backside. - - Well, let her be married again, what care I, - I’m off to my grave, other fish I’ve to fry; - I forgive her, God knows, sure without any bother, - Oh, she’ll think of Pat’s thing if she gets such another. - And now, as the breath in my body’s all gone, - A word or two more, and then Paddy has done; - But yet, when I think on’t, I’ve nothing to say, - For to-morrow we’re here, and are all gone to-day. - - - - -COFFIN CLUB. - -CONSTITUTIONAL DIRGE. - - -COSTUME.—Members to appear in black or faded crape cravats, tobacco-boxes -in the shape of patent coffins, the end of the pipes to be put in -mourning, with black sealing wax, white pocket handkerchiefs (if -convenient) to catch the tears. - -N. B. A heavy fine on persons indulging in that foolish practice, called -laughter.—“Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust.”—Secretary. The president, -whoever he may be, for the evening, to be called—Mr. Undertaker; and -whoever takes the chair, _grave_ subjects will be expected from him. - -_To the Solemn Tune of_ “JACK RAN.” - - Ye giddy youth, in life’s gay spring, - Who wanton joke, laugh, drink, and sing; - Ah, look at us, and change your ways, - In sackcloth we spend all our days. - - CHORUS—WITH A GROAN. - - May fate bestow what’s good for you, - Horrors jet black, and devils dark blue. - - Did you but know how sweet is grief, - The flowing tears that yield relief; - Sweet sorrow’s sigh, heart-heaving moan, - Your life wou’d be one _grunt_ and _groan_. - - For life’s like bubbles made by rain, - No sooner come, but gone again; - So we must go, as ’tis our doom, - To make for other bubbles room. - - Then ne’er rejoice, or e’er look glad, - Keep cloudy front, and visage sad; - For life’s a flake of smoke at best, - And not as poet’s say, “_a jest_.” - - Away with idle hopes and fears, - Cut short your days, and nights, and years; - When desp’rate grown, and hating life - Go off by _water_, _rope_, or _knife_. - - _Coffins to be shewn._ - - Then comes this tight-screw’d patent case, - The undertaker’s last embrace; - - Fast lock’d in which, four feet in ground, - We’re safe until the trumpet’s sound. - But, hark! the sexton tolls the bell! - So coffin comrades fare ye well. - - - - -THE TOY. - - - At Hampton-court a mansion stands, - A tavern, called the Toy, sir, - A captain there and ensign came, - A seeming beardless boy, sir; - The waiter shew’d ’em both a room, - And as the story teaches, - He shortly saw the captain’s hand - Within the ensign’s breeches! - - The captain damn’d the waiter’s soul, - And bid him straight retire, sir, - The ensign swore, in bouncing tone, - He’d throw him on the fire, sir! - “I beg your pardon, sirs,” said he, - And thus express my sorrow, - “This is the Toy at Hampton-court, - “Not _Sodom_ and _Gomorrah_!” - - Away the waiter ran down stairs, - No waiter e’er ran faster, - Half out of breath he told the tale - To Boniface, his master; - A council at the _bar_ agreed, - That chambermaid and cook, sir, - To give proof of their dirty tricks, - Should thro’ the key-hole look, sir. - - So up went cooky first, and spied - The parties billing, cooing, - When to herself, she said, “God’s curse,” - “What nasty work’s a brewing;” - I’ll _spit_ ’em, _baste_ ’em, _roast_ ’em too, - I’ll clyster-pipe the fellows, - Then straight with water scalding hot, - She fill’d the kitchen bellows. - - Nell chambermaid next crept up stairs, - Saw th’ ensign on a table, - The captain charging ’twixt his legs, - With bayonet so able; - “I’ll tuck you up, I’ll warm your bed, - “And when warm in your places,” - Said Nell, “I’ll scorch your nasty scuts, - “Throw p—s in both your faces.” - - The laundress swore she’d mangle ’em, - The dairy-maid would skim ’em, - The bar-maid vow’d she’d squeeze ’em too, - The ostler swore he’d trim ’em; - The post-boy was for whipping them, - The boots, for brushing, beating, - The scullion was for scow’ring them, - The waiter was for cheating. - - The landlord up stairs led the way, - His servants follow’d after, - They found the captain full of play, - The ensign full of laughter; - The captain cry’d out, “Who’s afraid?” - But th’ ensign look’d disgrace, sir, - And carried, as the landlord said, - The _colours_ in his face, sir. - - Old Boniface said, “fie for shame! - “Sure, captain, you are no man, - “You lie,” said he, “and look ye here, - “My ensign is a woman;” - And when he ope’d her waistcoat wide, - The parties were struck dumb, sir, - For a pair of bubbies bolted out, - God Cupid’s kettle drums, sir. - - The cook said to the ensign gay, - “I’m quite up to the rig, sir, - “You _Sodomiters_, people say, - “Have breasts as dumplings big, sir; - “And ’till I feel I’ll not believe, - “For I knows dogs from bitches,” - And saying this, she thrust her hand - Into the ensign’s breeches! - - The captain, in a passion, flew - To his fair friend’s assistance, - He damn’d the cooky for a whore, - And bid her keep her distance; - She’d laid her hand upon the place, - That spreads the ensign’s p—s, sir, - Then looking humbly in his face, - Said, “beg your pardon MISS—SIR.” - - - - -CATASTROPHE. - - - The captain drew his sword, and stood - To bear ’gainst all the brunt, sir, - And said—I mount not guard in rear, - But always in the front, sir; - - He turn’d ’em one by one down stairs, - And shew’d the cook his ’tarse, sir, - While with his sword, as she pass’d by, - He PINK’D her in the a-se, sir. - - - - -THE CROPT COMET. - -Tune, _I have a Tenement to let_. - - -The Comet passed its perehelion on the 20th of June, 1797, and was seen -in the Southern Hemisphere, passing from Argo through Orion, up towards -_Auriga_; near the head of which, it was seen by Miss Caroline Herschell, -and to her wonder and disappointment, without a tail. - - What’s all this bustle and alarm, - This buzzing ’bout the nation, - A Comet crop’d, now heaves in sight, - A stranger constellation; - Tho’ Newton, Tycho Brahe, Des Cartes, - Concerning Comets vary, - Yet Comets, call them what you will, - Are stars both rough and hairy. - - CHORUS. - - And some are crop’d, - Nick’d, hog’d, fig’d, dock’d, - Fir’d, bearded, tail’d, and whisker’d, - Doodle, doodle, doodle doo, - Doodle, doodle, dil do. - - But truce to all the learned trash, - All vague and loose conjecture, - And take from me, ye Comet skill’d, - A plain and simple lecture; - If this foul fact I fully prove, - No odds will be between us, - This Comet got his tail close crop’d, - By stroking planet Venus. - - Now where d’ye think when last you peep’d, - This Comet was a posting, - When he had lost his fiery tail, - Left Venus orbit roasting; - Why? to the planet Mercury, - To state his woeful case, sir, - And rubbing in his recipe, - His nose dropt off his face, sir. - - It seems this Comet oft was seen, - With Venus cutting capers, - And Mars had heard his damag’d tail - Emitted noxious vapours; - So off he went to Jupiter, - About his wife’s ellipsis, - For he didn’t like to see her have - So many strange eclipses. - - How came, quoth Jupiter to Mars, - Fair Venus out of order, - For I suspect ’twas you old boy - Who gave her this disorder; - It may be so, said planet Mars, - To Jupiter, his king, sir, - For I’ve been in the milky way, - And Saturn’s filthy ring, sir. - - This Comet crop’d hangs o’er our heads, - I wish he’d travel faster, - For in his course eccentrical, - He dealeth dire disaster; - Pale Luna’s got the clap of him, - Bright Sol’s reflecting mopsey, - With water too, he’s fill’d our earth, - And given her the dropsy. - - Piss M⸺k, B⸺m, both M. D. D. - Ascend by a balloon, sir, - The first, the Comet has call’d in, - The last attends the Moon, sir; - Humbug B. cures her clap, - And Humbug M. gratis, - Undertakes the Comet’s case, - A dreadful Diabetes. - - Now if I’m wrong, sirs, set me right, - Banks, Herschell, Loft, and Walkers, - All you who of cropt Comets are, - The astronomic talkers; - Go tell the town I’m nebulous, - _Word_ “_caviare_ to the million,” - Swear radiant Phœbus Cromwell cropt, - The Comet’s perehelion. - - Enquirers into nature say, - That bucks, when rutting’s over, - Inter their old-tails in the park, - And new ones soon discover; - The Comet and the buck alike, - With new tails bound and jump, sir, - While old DUKE Q., not I or you, - Wags on with his old stump, sir. - - This Comet, timid people talk, - Forebodes a revolution, - A total change and overthrow - Of Britain’s constitution; - But still I think we’ve nought to fear, - Tho’ enemies divide us, - Our leading light of freedom is, - The steady GEORGIUM SIDUS. - - - - -THE ACTRESSES. - - - When Momus, laughter-loving boy, - THALIA fill’d with pleasure, - At one home stroke, spring tides of joy - Swept off the virgin treasure: - The stroke gave birth to nature’s child, - A child, like fortune fickle; - So Momus laugh’d, Thalia smil’d, - And out pop’d little Pickle! - - When Pickle came to London town, - Plain truth confirm’d this rumour, - A naval duke, of high renown, - Fell in with Pickle’s humour; - For _art_ had lost the pow’r to charm. - Which wakes the passions sleeping, - So He, to quiet love’s alarm, - Took—_nature_ into keeping. - - Pickle’s rise gave birth to gall, - She scarcely was respected, - The green-room seem’d a surgeon’s hall, - Her body there dissected; - Tho’, both were sore, she had two eyes, - Said _envy’s_ bitter daughter, - And while she prais’d her legs and thighs, - On c—t she threw cold water. - - Syren C⸺h, of luscious look, - Envied Pickle’s belly, - Tho’ she hugg’d a CORNISH DUKE, - And her _bravura_ K—y; - Thus do dukes and dollys meet, - Ye, Gods, how chaste this age is, - When horned husbands, in the _suite_, - Attend their wives as pages. - - Lovely, lively, young, and fair, - M—a may-day blooming, - Skin as sleek as racing mare, - Just after finish’d grooming; - See her fashion, style, and grace, - Hear Polly Peachum warble, - And if your tears don’t wash your face, - Your heart’s a block of marble. - - I hate the gothic stately pile, - The comic, tragic, ruin, - Give me the new, not the old style, - Some work of modern doing; - Miss C⸺f⸺d and Miss Ab⸺n, - Both sock and buskin bred, sir, - What would I give, I blush to own, - For both their maidenheads, sir. - - Whither is S⸺e fled? - And where’s her cock of wax gone? - Who us’d to rear his crested head - Within her curly caxon! - When Jew Braham’s cabbage came, - She quitted Drury’s station, - To enjoy (was she to blame) - _The early vegetation_! - - Becky W⸺s, who went to pot, - From burton ale and brandy, - Fonder was of Tippy Top, - Than children’s sugar candy; - No more the cut of Tippy’s frock, - No more his strut invites her, - ’Tis now the cut of Israel’s cock - That comforts and delights her. - - Still Mother M⸺r’s virtues mark; - She lives in chaste condition, - With her hautboy puffing P—k, - Who plays for his admission; - Most titled things I’ve heard her say, - Are dry b—s next-door neighbours, - Before such husky pipes can play, - Their bums are bang’d like tabors. - - Jordan laughs at gibes and jeers, - At envy, spite, and spleen, sir, - And says, to mortify their ears, - “Ecod, I may be queen, sir;” - Her keeper, too, keeps up the farce, - Whose love of Jordan such is, - He bids her foes to kiss her a—e, - For he’s made her c—t a Duchess. - - Long in love’s hammock may they swing, - Health, wealth, and peace abounding, - With all the bliss that life can bring, - To swell the scene surrounding; - So fill a bumper, ’tis the debt - That’s due from loyal freemen, - Here’s may the press between ’em get - A crew of gallant seamen. - - - - -THE CROP. - - - Dear ladies attend to the song, - Of a CROP in the prime of gay life, - Young, healthy, and wealthy, and strong, - And languishing for a fond wife. - - CHORUS. - - Crop’s determin’d to marry, - He’s tir’d of a bachelor’s round, - Crop wants a comely clean woman, - With some dirty acres of ground. - - A bachelor wild CROP has been, - But variety’s charms he’ll forsake, - And constancy, maids, will be seen, - To follow the reign of the rake. - - Your suitor for conjugal rites, - Promises, maids, to his praise, - To crown, with affection, your nights, - With mirth and good humour your days. - - Says Lydia, with love-looking eye, - Vow and promise you bachelors can, - But sure, till his virtues she try, - No maid should decide on her man. - - The language of Spintext let’s cite, - ’Tis take him for better or worse, - His heart, girls, you’ll find is as light, - Aye! light as a transparent purse. - - But _Crop’s_ an estate in the fens, - Deeply dipp’d in the water we hear, - For his steward the reck’ning sends, - And it brings him in nothing a year. - - To a widow, some say, he is sold, - Who keeps in the Borough a shop, - As she kill’d her first DEARY, behold! - A beautiful prospect for Crop. - - In an old maid’s affection’s CROP’S place; - But he ne’er will be married, we hope, - To one in whose frost-bitten face - There’s ruin in razors and soap. - - Gods! give Crop the girl kind and fair, - Of feminine manners and grace, - Whose skin is not cover’d with _hair_, - To kiss without scrubbing his face. - - Crop once lov’d a boarding-school gig, - All his letters she stitch’d in her stays, - Which made little Tittup look big - With vows, protestations, and praise. - - If, present, there be such a lass, - And tho’ but one _chemise_ to her back, - I’ll take her to Gretna’s green grass, - On swift Pegasus poet’s old hack. - - The life that is merry and short, - Crop’s reason and passions approve, - A life of all lives, ’tis the sort - To give life to the woman we love. - - So Crop’s determin’d to marry, - He’s tir’d of a dull single life, - He’ll not die an old bachelor, - If he can get a young wife. - - - - -THE WHIRLIGIG WORLD. - -This song is the joint production of Col. Kirkpatrick and Mr. Hewerdine. - - - A fig for the cares of this Whirligig World, - Shall still be my maxim wherever I’m twirl’d; - From the spring of my youth, to the autumn of life, - It has cheer’d me and whisk’d me through trouble and strife. - - CHORUS. - - So this is my maxim wherever I’m twirl’d, - A fig for the cares of this whirligig world. - - It has taught me to rise to the summit of ease, - By simply submitting to fortune’s degrees; - Thus I’m rich without pelf, for content is true wealth, - And the best _vade mecum_ in sickness and health. - - Just as full of defects as the rest of my kind, - “Give and take” is my measure, for specks in the mind; - For who in another shou’d pry for a spot, - When he knows, in his heart, he has blot upon blot. - - Mankind I contemplate as Heaven’s great work, - Whether Christian or Jew, Pagan, Gentoo or Turk; - In a nutshell the creed of my conscience will lie, - To others I do, as I wou’d be done by. - - ’Gainst chill poverty yet, I have ne’er set my face, - For I hope all my heart’s a benevolent place; - A friend in distress my tobacco shall quaff, - And while I’ve a guinea, he’s welcome to half. - - From the Court to the Change as I skim o’er each phiz, - Of the sharp, flat, and blood, natty crop, kiddy quiz; - I read as I walk, without study or plan, - The cunning, the weakness, and folly of man. - - Yet my spleen never kicks at the whims that it meets, - For in oddity’s circle each gig a gig greets; - So I laugh and grow fat at the figures I see, - And they’re welcome to fatten by laughing at me. - - Of the virtue and zeal of the ins and the outs, - After many years musing I’ve clear’d up all doubts; - The outs wou’d get in, if the ins wou’d get out, - And I think it but fair they shou’d take spell about. - - All fanatic dispute and sophistical rant - I leave to the crafty professors of cant; - Content if my course from the day-break of youth, - Has steer’d by the rudder and compass of truth. - - Fast wedlock I frankly confess not my whim; - Nay, the man, who best marries, I envy not him; - I love the soft sex, and I know, to my cost, - My love has not always been love’s labour lost. - - Light, in freight, as a cutter return’d from a cruize, - Finding little to gain, having little to lose; - My anchor is cast, and my sails are all furl’d, - So a fig for the cares of this Whirligig World. - - - - -THE ZODIAC. - - - The signs of the Zodiac, learned men say, - Are confin’d to the regions above, - And none yet imagin’d they serve to display - The tokens terrestrial of love; - But my muse, ever merry, will sing to explain, - Tho’ learning look grave and austere, - We cherish the whim of each whirligig brain, - Starch’d gravity enters not here. - - Sign Aries, then maids, is your ram or lew’d tup, - A rich pond’rous bag ’twixt his legs, - With juicy-joy pregnant, and closely tied up, - Is the essence of oysters and eggs; - In figure ’tis Cupid with arrow and bow, - Sagittarius, that archer divine, - Letting fly at the target of yielding Virgo, - To prick _rouge_ virginity’s sign. - - By twin bubbies, sign Gemini’s amply express’d, - In a maiden just leaning to man, - The ripe blooming fruit of the firm heaving breast, - The flame of love’s passion doth fan; - When exhausted in raptures, how charming to lie - ’Twixt love’s hillocks, gay mortals delight, - Feel the heave, hear the sigh, mark the languishing eye, - Which the _Signum Salutis_ invite. - - Sign Scorpio, no doubt, is an evil that fled - From Pandora’s combustible box, - A sign you may tell by the tail or the head - Of that hell-born disease call’d the pox. - Sign Cancer’s the cod-clinging crab we all know, - And wifely clings he; for you’ll find - He’s ever in danger, above or below, - Of destruction by water or wind. - - Sign Capricorn goatish old Q. doth denote, - Or them who of lust strongly smell, - Teaze, fumble and feel, drivel, dangle, and doat, - On the bawd, or the old batter’d belle; - Sign Pisces too plainly refers to the thing - Sweet and clean, kept by laudable art, - But the _bidet_ neglected, we wind the old ling, - And turn from the fishified part. - - Sign Taurus alludes to Old English beef-steaks; - For this cabbaging, love-feeding food, - Gives vigour to age, is a bracer of rakes, - And enriches the brain and the blood; - This Taurus may mean too, the lusty big Pat, - Who bellows about London streets, - whose nose is eternally smelling old hat, - And who mounts ev’ry cow that he meets. - - Sign Libra’s the balance that ought to prevail, - In an act we delight to enjoy, - For a feather we’re told will turn nature’s near scale, - When we bob for a girl or a boy; - Aquarius appears as the word doth instruct, - An object, who once was a man, - An Italian castrato’s cut-down aqueduct, - A mere spout for a watering pan. - - Brave Leo the lion’s our national sign, - Where foreigners come for good fare, - True freedom, true friendship, good humour, good wine, - We hope they will ever find here; - Our houses alone are the Garter and Star, - Jolly Bacchus the sign of the tun, - Where Venus receives us with smiles at the bar, - To fill up life’s measure of fun. - - CHORUS. - - But the sign of all signs, good and truly divine, - Is a bumper of heart-cheering generous wine. - - - - -IRISH EXTRAVAGANCE, AND SCOTCH ŒCONOMY. - - - An Irishman and Scottishman, - Both full of fun and brogue; - Sly Sawney—for a saving plan, - Big Pat—a spending rogue: - - Together, arm in arm, they hied, - From Pall-Mall to the City; - When in a shop by chance they spied - A damsel wond’rous pretty. - - “By heavens!” Pat exclaim’d in love, - “In that fair form I trace - “A charming pattern from above, - “Of Angel shape and face.” - - While thro’ the window-glass he star’d, - Struck dumb with admiration, - Sawney, too, the rapture shar’d, - Of love’s fond inclination. - - Long Paddy then did feast his eyes - On this—the first of belles, - “I’ll go into her shop,” he cries, - “And buy whate’er she sells. - - “Two yards of ribbon black, I’ll buy, - “And speak to the dear creature, - “Perhaps,” said he, to Sawney, sly, - “The maid will let me meet her. - - “_Ha’d your hand_,” said Sawney, “do, - “What need of such expence, - “Into the shop we both may go - “With this right good pretence: - - “Save your penny while you live, - “The lass looks kind and willing; - “Let’s ask her, civilly, to give - “_Twa Tizzys_[2] for a _shilling_.” - -[2] A cant term for Sixpences. - - - - -AN EXTRAORDINARY FISH. - -This animal (says the learned Zoologist, Mr. Pennant) was esteemed a -delicacy by the antients, and is eaten, at present, by the Italians; -Rondelius gives us two receipts for the dressing, which may be continued -to this day; Athenæus also leaves us the method of making an antique -cuttle-fish sausage; and we learn from Aristotle, that those animals are -in the highest perfection when pregnant. - - - Attend wives and widows, and daughters, dear creatures, - To hear of a fish caught off Anglesea Isle, - Be silent, compose all your muscles and features, - Friends and neighbours around who love time to beguile; - Saint Peter took most sorts of fish in his net, sir, - Like so many hooks were his fingers and toes, - But Peter ne’er caught, I wou’d lay any bet, sir, - A fish with one eye, bushy tail, and red nose. - - This fish lately found, from the top to the bottom, - Of inches, then measur’d a full half a score, - Girls swallow’d ’em faster than fishermen got ’em, - Yet ne’er were so cloy’d, but they still long’d for more; - ’Tis just at low water when crabs are seen crawling, - For shelter beneath heavy tang-cover’d stones, - That girls from all quarters come eagerly calling - For fish full of gristle, hard roes, and no bones. - - At the gills of this creature you’ll see them all peeping, - And if as sick damsels they’re livid and pale, - They’ll tell you these fish are no better for keeping, - Like lobsters long caught, they’ve no spring in the tail; - But when fresh and frisky, maids, trout-like, will tickle ’em, - Till in the net of Dame Nature they go, - Where shou’d wanton women e’er take ’em and pickle ’em, - The curing’s a pain and expence we all know. - - Two fam’d learned sages, both birds of a feather, - This odd fish to see, left their pigs, plants, and land, - And tho’ they both clubb’d their wise noddles together, - The devil a one did the fish understand; - Yes, M⸺by and B⸺s, who so solemn and grave is, - Knew not, till PAT told ’em, from whence the fish came, - ’Tis Ireland that boasts it, their sea-_rara avis_, - Caught wild in a net, and by stroking made tame. - - Star-gazing H⸺l, a knowing old fellow, - As e’er peep’d at bodies above or below, - This man o’-the moon, by strong stingo made mellow, - Thro’ glass microscopic can miracles show; - He call’d it a satellite of Venus centre, - That ⸺ had seen by command of the ⸺, - And that Mercury into its system would enter, - If e’er it were station’d in Saturn’s foul ring. - - The B⸺ of King’s place, call’d old wicked-eye’d W⸺, - Who lives upon gudgeons, young ling, and crimp’d cod, - When she saw these odd fish, she took hold of their fins, sir, - And stole off, unnotic’d, two dozen and odd; - For the fish-kettle Windsor had long in possession, - In spite of two leaks, as TARS say, fore and aft, - I’m sure ’twou’d have held, (pray excuse my digression) - The whole of Saint Peter’s miraculous draft. - - The news of this fish reach’d ⸺, a bishop, - His chaplain, obedient, was posted away, - And brought from the ferry this odd-looking fish up, - Bound down with a cord in a butcher’s big tray; - When the female fat cooky, of flesh and blood frail, sir, - Took hold of its gills to the ⸺ surprise, - It, Kangaroo like, took a spring from its tail, sir, - And stuck itself fast ’twixt the cooky’s round thighs. - - Away, in a fright, flew the ⸺ and ladies, - The folks in the kitchen were put to the rout, - “’Tis the devil,” said ⸺, “and as preaching your trade is, - “Do, good Mister Chaplin, exorcise the scout;” - Said the Chaplin, “Indeed ⸺, begging your pardon, - “Such doctrine is rash, and to danger may tend, - “For why would your ⸺ wish to bear hard on on - “The devil, who always has been our best friend!” - - Lord ⸺, large man, whom the women well know, sir, - Examin’d this fish from the root to the snout, - With both hands was seen to take hold of it so, sir, - To keep it from hopping and skipping about; - “Faith it is a large fish,” said the ⸺ in lewd plight, sir, - “I ne’er in my life saw its fellow before, - “Pull out,” said a friend, “all the ladies’ delight, sir,” - He did, and exhibited two inches more. - - Girls, take my advice; let this odd fish before you - Be first skinn’d alive, and then dress’d to your taste, - As a standing dish dainty, dear souls, I implore you, - Take in all you can, but let none run to waste; - Old Jonah, who lay in the whale’s blubber’d belly, - Came out weak and feeble, went in strong and stout, - So into your bellies, this fish, need I tell ye, - As stoutly goes in, as he feebly slips out. - - - - -LLANDISILIO HOTEL, SOUTH WALES. - - - Fam’d ancient South Britain gave birth - To the story my muse means to tell, - Hear it, neighbours, who live on this earth, - And in snug habitations do dwell; - A parson, his wife, son, and Jew, - Drove in by disastrous weather, - A poet pedestrian too, - Pig’d in a mud hut all together. - - To supper the quizzes sat down, - The parson eat rabbits, sans legs, - The poet mus’d over bread brown, - The Jew bolted bacon and eggs; - Hot and new from the tub came their ale, - As to spirits they’d none but their own, - Yet each man told his mirth-moving tale, - And the parson’s wife sung _Bobbing Joan_. - - A cradle constructed of wood, - Was prepar’d for the poet to rest, - When the man of mosaical blood - Petition’d to have half the nest; - But Smouch was no chum to his mind, - So the poet said “Smouch, d’ye see, - “Two cocks of a different kind - “In the same roost can never agree.” - - First the parson’s wife got into bed, - And close to the wall plac’d her side, - Then the parson, by jealousy led, - Laid his hand o’er the quim of his bride; - But fearing a cross o’ the breed, - The son kept apart th’ unbeliever, - Lest the tube which pass’d Abraham’s seed, - Shou’d enter his MOTHER’S receiver. - - Now it seems in the dead of the night, - The parson libidinous grew, - So he nudg’d his fond wife to lie right, - That he might have a family screw; - First having before meat said grace, - He fell too with an appetite craving, - Soon he wriggl’d the Jew from his place, - And bare-bum’d on the floor laid him raving. - - “By the coming Messiah,” said Smouch, - “What is all this disturbance about? - “As I was asleep in my couch, - “For what reason I was now kick’d out? - “Master Parson, pray how cou’d you rob - “A poor pedlar of rest and repose? - “You knew there won’t room for the job, - “Yet must do it plump under my nose.” - - Tag, the Poet, heard all that had pass’d, - Found the Parson was winding his clock, - There lay he like a sheep when ’tis cast, - While with laughter his cradle did rock; - “Have you broke,” said he, “Smouchy, your bones? - “Do you oft get such damnable knocks?” - “No,” said Smouch, “but the case for my stones - “Is very much _pruised_ by my _pox_.[3]” - - When for room roar’d out Moses in vain, - All the family sham’d fast asleep, - So up the starv’d Jew got again, - And took thro’ the bed-curtains a peep; - The Parson was on his gray mare, - Smouch saw his a—e nod, wag, and waddle, - “Master Parson,” said he, “have a care, - “Or, by G-d, you’ll be thrown off the “saddle.” - - While the Parson did Scripture fulfil, - For his text was increase, multiply, - The Poet lay silent and still, - Full of vigour, and ready to fly; - Then his line Alexandrin of love - He put into his hostess’s hand, - Which she willingly straight did remove - To the spot where ’twas properly scan’d. - - By swarms of black jumpers, call’d fleas, - All this party were damnably bit, - The priest’s shirt, and his wife’s clean chemise, - The filthy black jumpers b-s—t; - And pending the Parson’s embrace, - Till the critical minute had come, - The fleas were not shook from their place, - Till they’d taken blood tythe of his bum. - - Aurora, at dawning of day, - Peep’d into the mansion of mud, - Asses set up their ominous bray, - Ducks and geese quack’d and cackl’d for food; - The cock crow’d and treaded the hen, - The boar got a-back of the sow, - Lewd goats shag’d again and again, - And the bull stuck it into the cow. - - Then the Jew, with his box, did depart, - And the Poet took leave of his crib, - But the Parson, unwilling to start, - Took another sly st—ke at his rib; - If you think, then, my tale worth a toast, - As we’ve here no parsonical prig, - I’ll bumper life’s pleasure, and boast - The Parson, his wife, the goat’s fig. - -[3] The box he carried was half pushed under the bed, on the corner of -which he fell. - - - - -THE B⸺’s BUGBEAR. - - - A proud pamper’d P⸺e, to hypocrites dear, - With an income, from tythes, of twelve thousand a year, - Hath furnish’d the nation with novel alarms, - ’Bout the legs of the French, for he fears not their arms; - He tells us he’s heard, tho’ he’s not seen the truth, - That the minds of our _modest ingenuous_ youth - Are debauch’d by French dancers, who riot young blood - With the sight of that _niche_, wherein B⸺s have stood. - - But how came a B⸺p, ’bove all men, to know - That dancers teetotum themselves on the toe? - Was he seated, disguis’d, in the front of the stage, - To peep at what put his priestcraft in a rage? - No! his female observer went oft to the play, - And told him th’ effect of this am’rous display, - In language so glowing, that D⸺m, amaz’d, - Beheld from his belly the dead she had rais’d. - - At his time of life, and grim death near at hand, - ’Twas vicious enough, in his crozier to stand, - So thought the still husband, but not so the w—e, - For she yet had a taste for the _arbor_ of life; - Cock-sure of a taste when she told the lewd tale - Of Parisot’s pranks, which prov’d piety frail, - To rouse thus the tail of a head of the c⸺h, - Were better than _banging_ the bottom _with Birch_! - - Now the B⸺p, in senate, his brethren met, - To discuss this affair, youthful morals beset, - He said, “the five daring Directors of France - “Smuggl’d treason in hornpipe and country-dance;” - But he told not their Lordships, for decency sake, - That Parisot’s postures had made him a rake, - That his old _’piscopari_ up frisky and fresh, - A translation had had to the lust of the flesh. - - But Parisot sets up a scriptural plea, - For showing what B⸺s would willingly see! - She proves that King David—(libidinous spark,) - Danc’d naked to all sorts of tunes ’fore the ark; - And when Michal, Saul’s daughter, saw Majesty’s part, - From her window, (’tis said) it revolted her heart; - Tho’ she frown’d at the Monarch, she smil’d at the farce, - A King cutting capers, _sans_ robes to his a—e. - - Nay, didn’t King David, proud p⸺e, I pray, - Spy Bathsheba’s bum on a sun-shiny day? - And has Parisot, yet, to so vile a pass come, - As to shew our King, what! what! her uncover’d bum? - Has K⸺n, _crim. con. ’em_, (chaste man o’-the law,) - Heard she cocks up one leg, and exhibits her _flaw_? - Let her cock up one leg as she stands, quoth old Q., - When she’s down to please me, she must cock up her two. - - T⸺w growl’d, knit his brows, bit his lip in a rage, - When he heard of the B⸺s reforming the stage - “Old D⸺m,” he cried, “poh! poh! stick to your shop, - “And mind not how foreigners jump, skip, or hop; - “I know ye all, d—n ye! not one of your Bench - “Would privately turn from a plump naked wench, - “You go to the play slyly, see what you’ve _felt_, - “If you like it not, b—st ye! go home and be gelt!” - - - - -_Charge to the C⸺y._ - - - Then practice, ye drivelling drones, as you’ve preach’d, - Pray what’s it to you—how a dancer is breech’d? - On the fate of the Pope, pause, and awfully think, - And your mitres will totter, your lawn-sleeves will shrink; - For on beauty and symmetry fancy will feast, - To vigour of body they give mental zest, - Let Parisot’s petticoats beauties disclose, - Ne’er take up such ticklish subjects as those. - - - - -BANKING. - - - Come, I’m prompt for a song on demand, - Of the BANKERS and BANKS of our nation; - I’ll relate how they fall, how they stand, - Their origin from the creation; - This Banking’s no new-fashion’d trade, - For Eve, that libidinous madam, - The moment she ceas’d to be maid, - Kept a running account with old _Adam_. - - So the first of all Bankers and Banks, - In the garden of Eden began, - When Belzebub play’d his lewd pranks, - And effected the downfall of man; - Disguis’d as a serpent he flew, - To Eve’s Bank, a large payment consign’d, - But, answering the draft when ’twas due, - She damn’d Adam, herself, and mankind. - - _Pudenda_—receiver, cashier, - Always acts upon credit and honor, - And keeps her accounts just and clear, - Of the long and short dates drawn upon her; - Now as Bills of Exchequer must go, - To make paper currency stand, - When her customer’s credits run low, - She takes their affairs in her hand. - - PETER PEGO’s the entering clerk, - In this house performs principal duty, - He rises as soon as the lark, - And esteem’d is for vigour and beauty; - His out-door assistant is cod, - Who wakes him whenever he’s drowsy, - He wears his own hair, and, what’s odd, - Was never yet known to be lousy. - - These Banks, alike, pay and receive - In metal, not bankrupt sign paper, - And payment ne’er stop’d, (I believe,) - Tho’ oft their finances run taper; - They think flimsy paper a hum, - So Pego and Company scout it, - But their neighbour, next door, _Master Bum_, - Can’t carry on business without it. - - ’Tis a wonder this Bank isn’t crush’d, - From the numberless drafts it doth take in, - Yet oft as it hath been hard push’d, - It ne’er was in danger of breaking; - Art and nature supply such a store, - Of resources for raising the wind, - That, whenever ’tis close press’d before, - ’Tis sure of _relief_ from _behind_. - - Mother Bank has declar’d, since her fall, - That the Ministry forc’d her to stop, - Still she’s bullion enough for ’em all - If they’ll let her re-open her shop; - No, they keep fast the key, we perceive, - Of the padlock they’ve clap’d on her door, - So the lady can’t piss without leave, - Nor squat, nor get f⸺d as before. - - A bill drawn, presented, accepted, - And not paid when due, “as above,” - Is noted, protested, rejected, - A dry bob in commerce and love; - A short thing’s—no assets in hand, - A long one’s—an over-drawn note, - A discount’s—a f—g at a stand, - An indorser’s—a b—g—r a-float. - - - - -POLITICAL. - -Tune, _The Vicar of Bray_. - - - When liberty, serenely bright, - Her beams resplendent darted, - O’er this fam’d land, the sacred light, - Its genial power imparted; - Then thickest clouds, that veil’d her rays, - By liberty were driven, - And Britons saw, in William blaze, - The patriot flame from heav’n. - - CHORUS. - - Britons, revere! with hearts elate, - The glorious revolution, - That firmly fix’d in church and state, - Your heaven-born constitution. - - Fair freedom’s temple tyrant James, - With scepter’d sway invaded, - And conscience with her honest claims, - He scouted and degraded; - But freedom rous’d, her legions led, - And William monarch seated, - Then superstition hid her head, - And faction was defeated. - - CHORUS. - - On Fame’s unfading record stand, - Immortal made by story, - Illustrious worthies of our land, - Proud martyrs to its glory; - They bravely fought against all laws, - That dare fair freedom fetter, - The constitution was their cause, - The spirit and the letter. - - CHORUS. - - Could Athens, Greece, or Rome, so fam’d, - Can one surviving nation, - A compact boast, so wisely fram’d, - For freedom’s preservation? - Ah, No! but Britons, brave as free, - Wou’d all rejoice to find, sir, - Their own dear rights of liberty - Secur’d to all mankind, sir. - - CHORUS. - - The system of our club shall be, - To guard what we inherit, - The sacred dome of liberty, - With firmness, strength, and spirit; - And let the plund’ring patriots know, - Who ’gainst our rights contend, sir, - That he is freedom’s fatal foe, - Who is not George’s friend, sir. - - CHORUS. - - - - -POLITICAL, - -WRITTEN FOR A CLUB IN THE COUNTRY. - - - I’m a plain, homely, man, and now take up my pen, sir, - To counteract the tenets of Paine’s “Rights of Men,” sir, - Free and happy I enjoy the harvest of my labours, - And never interfere, but to comfort needy neighbours. - - CHORUS—Row, row, row, - I’m for peace and quietness, - Not row, row. - - I cherish and retain still each old-fashion’d notion, - Of order, freedom, property, security, devotion; - I’d rather have our king, than Tom Paine the lord protector, - And I’ll combat, with my life, ev’ry plund’ring projector. - - CHORUS. - - Then attend, daring schemers, involv’d in disputation, - Each with plans in your pockets, to renovate the nation, - I’ll oppose to brilliant wit, art, cunning, and sagacity, - Experience the store of my humble mean capacity. - - CHORUS. - - Liberty we have, tho’ some say it’s farce and fiction, - It’s by law well secur’d, and confirm’d in restriction, - Thus guarded, we are safe from disorder and delusion, - The dogmas of demagogues, and sans-culotte confusion. - - CHORUS. - - Our property’s defence is the law long enacted, - And sacred to it, our obedience is exacted, - Each social gradation, by which we stand or fall, sir, - Is wisely ordain’d for the welfare of all, sir. - - CHORUS. - - Virtue, innocence, integrity, I know are protected, - Audacity and crime are punish’d when detected, - True freedom gave the pow’r, in hatred and aversion, - To tyranny in all its forms, excesses, and coercion. - - CHORUS. - - My religion’s purely christian, the law’s establish’d church, sir, - And I never wish to see alma mater in the lurch, sir, - I’d leave to all dissenters what wisdom left before, sir, - For, give them all they ask, restless souls, they’d still ask more, - sir. - - CHORUS. - - Our compact’s a stranger to violent extremes, sir; - ’Tis wisdom and temp’rance; with mildness it teems, sir: - But as old father Time no edifice ere spared, sir, - In due season, when it wants it, let the structure be repair’d, sir. - - CHORUS. - - I worship no idol when I say that I’m devoted, - To this fabric of Britons, admir’d, esteem’d, and noted; - The blood in these young veins I’d spill in its defence, sir, - And my wish is, May it firmly stand for centuries hence, sir. - - CHORUS. - - - - -POLITICAL, - -_Written in the Reign of Robespierre_. - -Tune, _The Roast Beef of Old England_. - - - When the honor of Briton imperiously calls - For her cannons’ loud thunder and death-dealing balls, - Hear Victory shout from her fam’d wooden walls. - - CHORUS. - - The King and Old England for ever, - True liberty, order, and law. - - Shall we who for ages have freedom defended, - With jacobin ruffians and cut-throats be blended; - Kiss, embrace, and shake hands with the devil’s intended? - - CHORUS. - - See Gallia polluted with crimes past all counting, - Of mercy and justice dried up is the fountain, - There Virtue’s a mole-hill, and Vice is a mountain. - - CHORUS. - - Religion abandon’d, morality dead, - Worth, honor, and honesty, from the land fled, - And eternity term’d only going to bed. - - CHORUS. - - Shall we follow France in each social band-breaking, - Eat bread bad and black of old Belzebub’s baking, - And sleep on French litter all quiv’ring and shaking? - - CHORUS. - - No, we’ve bread white and good, and fam’d English roast-beef, - On the beds we repose, Nature finds sound relief, - Such comforts deserve not each jacobin thief. - - CHORUS. - - ’Tis French Anarchy’s plan all the world to subdue, - O’er each fair peaceful land blood and bodies to strew, - If you don’t conquer them, John, by G—d they will you. - - CHORUS. - - May the sharp sword of justice then fatally strike, - And each jacobin’s head be transferr’d to his pike, - Such Gallic equality John Bull would like. - - CHORUS. - - To our brothers in arms for fair freedom’s cause fighting, - And each hero of honour and spirit uniting, - True to their King, in their Country delighting. - - CHORUS. - The Glory and Laurels of War. - - - - -CONSTITUTIONAL SONG OF THE “VIVE LE ROI CLUB!” - - - When the radiant rob’d Goddess of liberty shed - Her influence divine o’er our isle, - From her power omnipotent—tyranny fled, - And Britannia, _long griev’d_, wore a smile. - - CHORUS. - - Vive le Roi, Huzza, Huzza, Vive le Roi! - - The _soldier_, the _sailor_, the _people_, impell’d - By freedom’s celestial flame, - King William enthron’d, in whose worth was beheld - Each virtue true freedom cou’d claim: - Vive le Roi, &c. - - The vet’ran high soaring on Victory’s wing, - Whose motto is “Conquer or Die!” - To meet the reward of his country and king, - On Hope’s full-plum’d pinion shall fly. - Vive le Roi, &c. - - Ne’er shall lawless ambition maintain its career, - Nor shall faction with freedom contend; - For the rights of the Crown we, as FREEMEN, revere, - And as BRITONS are bound to defend. - Vive le Roi, &c. - - Tho’ foes to the Crown, our mild Monarch’s fair fame - May with envy envenom’d decry; - Yet, such poisonous darts of detraction’s foul aim, - Both his courage and virtue defy. - Vive le Roi, &c. - - Each heart then, enliven’d by loyalty’s cause, - Push the soul-stirring wine swiftly round; - Exclaim in a volley of joy and applause, - For the nation re-echoes the sound. - Vive le Roi, &c. - - - - -_LADY H⸺ to Mrs. P⸺._ - - - Said old Lady H⸺, once a blooming young wench, - But whose head’s now adorn’d with gray hairs, - “I admire the great comfort and taste which the French - Combine in their fashion of chairs; - For English, our frames are both simple and neat; - Yet the French in past times were so puff’d, - That our _bottoms_ were never consider’d complete, - Until sent o’er to France _to be stuff’d_.” - - - - -LINES - -_Written at BEAUMARIS, NORTH WALES, on a JAILOR’S DAUGHTER, distinguished -for her Beauty._ - - - Cupid, thou gay and mighty God, - SUMMON all thy magic pow’r, - And in the arms of KITTY QUOD, - LOCK me for one happy hour. - FETTER’D is my VAGRANT heart, - By her CAPTIVATING face; - Haste, thou God of am’rous dart, - FIX her in my fond embrace. - Cupid’s decree was thus reported: - Kitty and you shall be TRANSPORTED. - - - - -BOBBY BIRCH’s EPIGRAM, - -_On the Westminster Boys damning “The Westminster Boy,” a Farce, by -Edward Topham, Esq. Author of “The Fool,” and several other Things, -produced for the Benefit of Mrs. Wells._ - - - Shrink from satire, O shame! what, shall Westminster school - Stand in awe of that pen which gave birth to “The Fool?” - Is’t liberal, rude boys, thus by anticipation, - Untry’d, to consign any piece to damnation? - Oh! had BUSBY been living, for damning of farces, - I’ll be damn’d if he wou’d not have tickl’d your ⸺. - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HILARIA. THE FESTIVE -BOARD *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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The Festive Board, by Anonymous</p> -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Hilaria. The Festive Board</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Anonymous</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: April 11, 2022 [eBook #67815]</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</p> - <p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em; text-align:left'>Produced by: deaurider and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive)</p> -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HILARIA. THE FESTIVE BOARD ***</div> - -<h1>HILARIA.</h1> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<p class="titlepage larger">HILARIA.</p> - -<p class="center larger"><span class="smaller">THE</span><br /> -FESTIVE BOARD.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container titlepage"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“Mirth, admit me of thy crew.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse right"><span class="smcap">Milton.</span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">——“Vino pellite curas.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse right"><span class="smcap">Hor.</span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p class="titlepage"><span class="gothic">London:</span><br /> -<i>PRINTED FOR THE AUTHOR.</i></p> - -<p class="center">1798.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_i"></a>[i]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">PRELIMINARY.</h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Tres mihi convivæ prope dissentire videntur,</i></div> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Poscentes vario multum diversa palato.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse right"><span class="smcap">Hor.</span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>We, for the most part, differ in our notions -of pleasure; one man’s delight is -another’s aversion: but felicity is the aim -of all. Where then shall we find it? a -celebrated poet observes, “’tis no where -to be found, or everywhere.” I say with -an air of triumph, which the experience -of a laughing life has imparted, the delights -of love and joys of wine, happily -blended, will enable us to attain the summit -of human enjoyment. Would you -meliorate the condition of the mind, and -give to the body its best energies; fly to -the circle of convivial gaiety for the one,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_ii"></a>[ii]</span> -and to the arms of indulgent beauty for -the other—Life without this charming -union, is like wine without fermentation, -perfectly insipid—for the vinosity of wine, -as well as the libidinosity of carnal nature, -is produced (as Doctor Johnson, that leviathan -of literature would have said) -by the same exquisite process—<i>fermentation</i>.——So -much in ancient as well as -modern times has been said and sung of -love and wine, that novelty on these topics -cannot be expected. I am an enemy -to every species of innovation; but more -particularly to that lately broached by the -celebrated original four-legg’d, long-tail’d, -philosopher, Lord Monboddo, -Who is full of regret because we do not -mix water with our wine.</p> - -<p>Read with sober attention what his -lordship says on this subject.</p> - -<p>“As, by Isis, a plant was discovered,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_iii"></a>[iii]</span> -which furnished bread to man; so by -Osiris, her husband and brother, an art -was invented of making drink for man: -this art is what is called fermentation, -which he applied to the use of the grape; -and so first made wine: which, though -it has been very much abused, as almost -every production of nature and art has -been by man, and, therefore, is very -properly styled by Milton, <i>The sweet -poison of misused wine</i>. It may be applied -to the most useful purposes, for it -is the best cordial of old age: and at all -times of life it enlivens the spirits; and, -therefore, Bacchus is called <i>Lætitiæ Dator</i>; -and it cherishes the stomach: <i>but -it is a great abuse of this liquor, in modern -times</i>, to drink it pure, without -mixture of water, <i>which, I am sorry to -observe so much practised in Britain</i>.”—Horace -says this ironically.</p> - -<p>Notwithstanding this opinion, the gentlemen<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_iv"></a>[iv]</span> -of Britain, whose fondness for -pure, unadulterated, wine, cannot be -doubted, will continue the old custom of -drinking a bumper of wine with the first -toast after dinner, to the first thing that -ever was created for the enjoyment of -their sex.</p> - -<p>Solomon, who was at least as wise as -the author in question, says, “<i>Give -strong drink to him that is ready to perish, -and wine unto those that be of heavy -hearts</i>:” “Let him drink and forget his -poverty, and remember his misery no -more.”</p> - -<p>Burns, the admirable Scots bard, agreed -with Solomon, and agreed with himself -also, to versify these doctrines:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“Give him strong drink until he wink,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">That’s sinking in despair;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And liquor good to fire his blood,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">That’s prest with grief and care:</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_v"></a>[v]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">There let him bouse, and deep carouse,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">With bumpers flowing o’er,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Till he forgets—his loves or debts,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">And minds his griefs no more.”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>But what are the vital elixirs, gold -tinctures, wonder-working essences, electricity, -and animal magnetism, compared -to the properties of wine? Dr. Franklin, -a name dear to political liberty, has recorded -a curious fact concerning the effects -of wine. When in France he received -a quantity of Madeira, that had -been bottled in Virginia: in some of the -bottles he found a few dead flies, which -he exposed to the warm sun in the month -of July, and, in less than three hours, -these apparently dead animals recovered -life, which had been so long suspended. -The philosopher then asks whether such -a process might not be employed with -regard to man? if that be the case, I can -imagine, adds he, no greater pleasure,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_vi"></a>[vi]</span> -than to cause myself to be immersed along -with a few friends in Madeira wine, (not -wine and water,) and to again called -to life, at the end of fifty, or more years, -by the genial solar rays of my native -country; only that I may see what improvement -the state has made, and what -changes time has brought along with it.</p> - -<p>I cannot conclude these few observations -on the virtues of wine, without introducing -the sentiment of another philosophical -gentleman. A modern practitioner -of considerable medical skill, has given -an opinion worthy the attention of the -convivial world: he tells us, if our vital -sensation require to be much exalted, neither -alembics nor crucibles are necessary for -that purpose; Nature herself has provided -for us that most excellent spirit—wine, -which exceeds all those prepared by the -art of man: if there be any thing in the -world which one can call the <i>prima materia</i>,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_vii"></a>[vii]</span> -that contains the spirit of the earth -in an incorporated form, it is certainly -this noble production:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“With genial joy to warm the soul,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Bright Helen mix’d a mirth-inspiring bowl.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse right"><span class="smcap">Odyssey.</span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>To promote hilarity, to keep up the -good humour of life, to help digestion -by the salutary exercise of the risible faculty, -the compositions that follow were -chiefly written;—the cynic, the sanctified -hypocrite, and the misanthrope, will -eagerly condemn many of them, but the -man of the world, who thinks liberally, -and acts up to his feelings, the <i>bon vivant</i>, -the friend of the fair sex, the bottle -and song, will, it is hoped and presumed, -place them under their private -care and protection.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_1"></a>[1]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">PAT-RIOT,<br /> -<span class="smaller">A REVOLUTIONARY SONG.</span></h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">I.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Och! my name is Pat Riot,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And I’m never easy;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For when all is quiet,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">It turns my head crazy;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So to kick up a dust,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">By my soul is delighting;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then to lay it again,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">I fall to without fighting.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Chorus</i>—Row, row, row, row, row, row.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">II.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Nought but times topsy turvy</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Suit my constitution;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And all that I want, is</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A snug Revolution:</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_2"></a>[2]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Then in rank and in riches</div> - <div class="verse indent2">I’ll equal my betters;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And a long list of creditors</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Change into debtors.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Chorus</i>—Row, row, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">III.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I dare not be loyal,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">For this loyal reason;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">My tutor, Tom Paine,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Tells me loyalty’s treason:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And Priestley my Faith has</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Shook to its foundation;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So I’ve no prospect on earth</div> - <div class="verse indent2">But eternal damnation.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Chorus</i>—Row, row, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">IV.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In this plight I’ve a plan,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Tho’ it’s not ripe for broaching;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But between you and me,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">’Tis a little encroaching;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">By a stroke—slight of hand—</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To surprize all beholders:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Why I mean to take off</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The king’s head from his shoulders.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Chorus</i>—Row, row, &c.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_3"></a>[3]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">V.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then the crown, d’ye see,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">I wou’d lay on a shelf, Sir;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Tho’ it fits me as if it</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Was made for myself, Sir:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Och! good luck to the sound,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">How the dumb bells will ring, Sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When I’ve made all men equal,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And made myself king, Sir!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Chorus</i>—Row, row, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">VI.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Just to guard off th’effect</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Of fell lightning and thunder,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That together split churches</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And steeples asunder,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I mean to pull down</div> - <div class="verse indent2">All old orthodox structures;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Cause Priestley says chapels</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Are Heaven’s conductors.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Chorus</i>—Row, row, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">VII.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To see chapels, from churches,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Like Phœnixes rising,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Good souls, the dissenters</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Wou’d deem it surprising,</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_4"></a>[4]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">And, grateful to me,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">They wou’d down on their knees too,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who hate both a church</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And a chapel of ease too.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Chorus</i>—Row, row, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">VIII.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Now the lands of the church,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">That feed fat and lean preachers,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">By their leaves, I’ll bestow</div> - <div class="verse indent2">On the puritan teachers:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of their tithes, and their off’rings,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And gifts, I’ll bereave ’em;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And nought but their stomachs</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And consciences leave ’em.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Chorus</i>—Row, row, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">IX.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The law long establish’d</div> - <div class="verse indent2">No longer shall bind me;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With my father before,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Or my father behind me,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’ve nothing to do:</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Then your bother pray cease, Sir;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’ll lay down the law</div> - <div class="verse indent2">By a breach of the peace, Sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Chorus</i>—Row, row, &c.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_5"></a>[5]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">X.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Since the law and the gospel</div> - <div class="verse indent2">I’ve taken by storm, Sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Physicians shall swallow</div> - <div class="verse indent2">My pills of reform, Sir;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’ll take off their wigs,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Canes, fees, and degrees;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And poison the rogues</div> - <div class="verse indent2">With their own recipes.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Chorus</i>—Row, row, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">XI.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Since the Commons are cyphers,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The Lords but nick-names, Sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I mean to prorogue ’em</div> - <div class="verse indent2">All into the Thames, Sir;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And, lest folks should say</div> - <div class="verse indent2">I don’t humanely treat ’em,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Doctor Hawes and cork jackets</div> - <div class="verse indent2">At Gravesend shall meet ’em.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Chorus</i>—Row, row, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">XII.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’ll abolish all titles</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Mankind may inherit;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">From the fountain of honour,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Worth, virtue, and merit:</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_6"></a>[6]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">I’m a naked reformer:</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The doctrine I preach, is</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To take coats of arms off</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Shirts, waistcoats, and breeches.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Chorus</i>—Row, row, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">XIII.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Thus age, youth, and beauty,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Miss, master, and madam,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">All decently figg’d</div> - <div class="verse indent2">By the taylor of Adam:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Why this is not new;</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Because high and low station,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Were all in confusion</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Before the creation.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Chorus</i>—Row, row, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">XIV.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">By Jasus, to think how</div> - <div class="verse indent2">’Twou’d tickle the devil,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To see from a mountain,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">All things on a level;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For the devil’s a patriot</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Not over nice, Sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And he hates all distinctions</div> - <div class="verse indent2">’Twixt virtue and vice, Sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Chorus</i>—Row, row, &c.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_7"></a>[7]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">XV.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Here’s long life after death</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To all hot-headed fellows,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who night and day work at</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The devil’s big bellows:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">What charming confusion,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">What fine botheration,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To blow up the coals,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And extinguish the nation!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Chorus</i>—Row, row, &c.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_8"></a>[8]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><span class="smaller">THE</span><br /> -MARRIAGE MORN.</h2> - -<p class="center">Tune, <i>The Merry Dance</i>.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The marriage morn I can’t forget,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">My senses teem’d with <i>new delight</i>;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Time, cry’d I, haste the coming night,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And Hymen, give me sweet Lisette:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I whisper’d softly in her ear,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And said, the <span class="smcap">God</span> of <span class="smcap">Night</span> draws near.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Oh, how she look’d! Oh, how she smil’d! Oh, how she sigh’d!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She sigh’d—then spent a joyful tear.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Now nuptial Night her curtain drew,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And Cupid’s mandate was, “Commence</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“With ardour, break the virgin fence;”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then to the bed sweet Lisette flew—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Twas heav’n to view her when she lay,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And hear her cry, Come to me, pray;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_9"></a>[9]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Oh, how I feel! Oh, how I pant! Oh, I shall die!—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Shall die before the break of day!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Soon Manhood rose with furious gust;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And Mars, when he lewd Venus view’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Ne’er felt his pow’r so closely screw’d</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Up to the standing post of Lust:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But when the stranger to her sight</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Sweet Lisette saw in rampant plight,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Oh, how she scream’d! Oh, how she scream’d! Oh, how she scream’d!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She scream’d—then grasp’d the dear delight.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Now lustful Nature eager grew,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And longer could not wanton toy;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So rushing up the path of joy,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Quick from the fount Love’s liquor flew:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">At morn, she cry’d, full three times three</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The vivid stream I’ve felt from thee;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Oh, how I’m eas’d! Oh, how I’m pleas’d! Oh, how I’m charm’d!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’m charm’d with rapt’rous three times three!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_10"></a>[10]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">CONVIVIAL.</h2> - -<p class="center">Tune, <i>Mrs. Casey</i>.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">When round reflection foggy Care</div> - <div class="verse indent2">His dreary damp disperses,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And Prudence, with <i>didactic</i> air,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Her cautious code rehearses;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then grant us, gods, some glowing wine,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Such foes of glee to banish;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Twill make our heart’s <i>horizon</i> shine,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And ev’ry vapour vanish.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then laugh and drink,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And never think;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Each frisky festive fellow</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Will seize the time,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The season’s prime,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">T’ enjoy the fruit while mellow.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The heights of love we can’t attain,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Till wine’s electric potion</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Reach the summit of the brain,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To quicken Fancy’s motion:</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_11"></a>[11]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Then Nature’s <i>still</i>, with rapid flow,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">In <i>am’rous fermentation</i>,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Fills thro’ <span class="smcap">the worm</span> the <i>vat</i> below</div> - <div class="verse indent2">With <i>luscious distillation</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">When safe arriv’d our <span class="smcap">latter end</span>,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And time to dust shall grind us,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Our <i>atoms</i> can’t the eyes offend</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Of neighbours left behind us:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">If with the heart-expanding bowl,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Inspiring love and laughter,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">We soak the body and the soul,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">’Twill <i>lay</i> the dust <i>hereafter</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The hardy tars more valiant fight,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The soldiers sally quicker,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The poets with more <i>spirit</i> write,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">When charg’d with <i>conqu’ring liquor</i>:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And to sorrow-sinking hearts</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Wine’s the true salvation;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For, take enough, and soon departs</div> - <div class="verse indent2"><i>Suspended animation</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">His journey soon must end, they say,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Who drives thro’ life so quickly;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And, ere in years his hair turn gray,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">His body will be sickly:</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_12"></a>[12]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">If <i>Velnos’ Syrup</i> he pursue,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">’Twill strengthen trunk and twig, Sir;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And if his hair should change its hue,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">He can but mount a wig, Sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Kind Fortune, fix the jolly soul</div> - <div class="verse indent2">On Plenty’s full-plum’d pinion,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To soar beyond the sad control</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Of Poverty’s dominion;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And when, with eager fatal claw,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">You take him by the <i>throttle</i>,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">His precious cork of life to draw,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">O Death! don’t <i>shake</i> the <i>bottle</i>.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_13"></a>[13]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><span class="smaller">THE</span><br /> -HIGH-METTLED P⸺O.</h2> - -<p class="center">Tune, <i>The Race Horse</i>.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">View the lass lewd and lovely, of high sporting race,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Prepar’d to encounter the lustful embrace;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Her t—s wide extended, her tempting breasts bare,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The lustful receiver conceal’d by black hair:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">While ruddy and rampant, erecting his crest,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With ardour rebounding from knee to the breast,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The signal observ’d, firmly fix’d on his seat,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The high-mettled P⸺o first starts for the heat.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_14"></a>[14]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Full stretch’d, crossing, justling, see onward they rush,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And o’er the same ground three times speedily push;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Till weary’d, worn out, we behold P⸺o tame,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">As he crawls off the course lifeless, jaded, and lame.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A short time elaps’d, when examin’d his case,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He’s found sorely injur’d by running the race;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And the high mettl’d P⸺o, erst proud and elate,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Is pronounc’d by the knowing ones in for the plate.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Confin’d to the stable, shut out from the stud,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Restrain’d in his diet, and oft losing blood,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He’s plaister’d and poultic’d, in linen rags rob’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Fir’d, purg’d, and bolus’d, cut, syring’d, and prob’d;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_15"></a>[15]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Till burning like stones that are turn’d into lime,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Alas! luckless P⸺o’s cut off in his prime.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Lament the hard fate this sad story informs,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The high-mettl’d P⸺o’s made food for the worms.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_16"></a>[16]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">BOTANY BAY.</h2> - -<p class="center">Tune, <i>Liberty Hall</i>.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Britannia, fair guardian of this favour’d land,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Lately sanction’d a scheme, in full Cabinet plann’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For transporting her sons who from honour dare stray,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To that sweet spot terrestrial, term’d <span class="smcap">Botany Bay</span>.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Toll de roll, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Now this <span class="smcap">Bay</span>, by some blockheads we’ve sagely been told,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Was unknown to the fam’d navigators of old;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But this I deny, in terms homely and blunt,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For <span class="smcap">Botany Bay</span> is the spot we call ⸺.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Toll de roll, &c.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_17"></a>[17]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Our ancestor Adam, ’tis past any doubt,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Was the famous Columbus that found the spot out;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He brav’d ev’ry billow, rock, quicksand, and shore,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To steer thro’ <span class="smcap">the passage</span> none ere steer’d before.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Toll de roll, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Kind Nature, ere Adam had push’d off to sea,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Bid him be of good cheer, for his pilot she’d be:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then his cables he slipp’d, and <span class="smcap">stood straight</span> for the <span class="smcap">Bay</span>,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But was stopp’d in his passage about <span class="smcap">the midway</span>.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Toll de roll, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Avast! Adam cry’d, I’m dismasted, I doubt,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">If I don’t tack the <span class="smcap">head</span> of my <span class="smcap">vessel</span> about;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_18"></a>[18]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Take courage, cry’d Nature, and leave it to me,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For ’tis only <span class="smcap">the line</span> that divides <span class="smcap">the red sea</span>.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Toll de roll, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Tho’ shook by the <span class="smcap">stroke</span>, Adam’s <span class="smcap">mast</span> stood upright,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">His <span class="smcap">ballast</span> was steady, his <span class="smcap">tackling</span> quite tight;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then a breeze springing up, down the <span class="smcap">red straits</span> he ran,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And, o’erjoy’d with his voyage, he fir’d off a <span class="smcap">great gun</span>.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Toll de roll, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">High from the <span class="smcap">mast head</span>, by the help of <span class="smcap">one eye</span>,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The <span class="smcap">heart</span> of the <span class="smcap">Bay</span> did old Adam espy;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And, alarm’d at a noise—to him Nature did say,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That it was the <span class="smcap">trade wind</span>, which blows always <span class="smcap">one way</span>.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Toll de roll, &c.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_19"></a>[19]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">So transported was Adam in <span class="smcap">Botany Bay</span>,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He dame Nature implor’d to <span class="smcap">spend</span> there night and day,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And curious he try’d the <span class="smcap">Bay’s</span> bottom to sound,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But his <span class="smcap">line</span> was too short by a <span class="smcap">yard</span> from the ground.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Toll de roll, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The time being out, Nature’s sentence had pass’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Adam humbly a favour of her bounty ask’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That when stock’d with provisions, and ev’ry thing sound,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To <span class="smcap">Botany Bay</span> he again might be bound.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Toll de roll, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Nature granted the boon both to him and his race,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And said, oft I’ll transport you to that charming place;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But never, cry’d she, as you honour my word,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Set sail with a Clap, Pox, or Famine on board.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Toll de roll, &c.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_20"></a>[20]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Then this <span class="smcap">Botany Bay</span>, or whate’er be the name,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I have prov’d is the spot from whence all of us came;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">May we there be transported, like Adam our sire,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And never <i>return ’fore the time shall expire</i>.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Toll de roll, &c.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_21"></a>[21]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><span class="smaller">THE</span><br /> -NEWLY-DUBB’D JEW.</h2> - -<p class="center">Tune, <i>Derry Down</i>.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">My muse, t’other day, having laughter in view,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Selected George Gordon, the now no more Jew,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Resolving to state, with Mosaic precision,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">What befel poor Crop’s P⸺ on the late circumcision.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The Rabbi appear’d, and the Christian’s foreskin</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Was about to be banish’d, to cleanse Crop of sin;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But Gentiles and Jews, mark the cream of the joke,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">By Prometheus inspir’d, his P⸺ suddenly spoke.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_22"></a>[22]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Tho’ with fear first poor P⸺o had prudently shrunk,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And, like snail in its shell, snugly hid lay his trunk;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To the Priest then he cry’d, put your knife in its case,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Or, you terrible Cut P⸺k, I’ll piss in your face.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">My Lord stood amaz’d, and the Rabbi was mum,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To hear a thing talk that had ever been dumb;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Tho’ Crop said his P⸺ ne’er obey’d his command,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But always <i>lay down</i> when he wish’d him to <i>stand</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">This damnable riot in Crop’s private part,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Baffl’d the Priest and resisted his art,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So he swore, if P⸺ did not cease making a route,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He’d pull out his c—d—m, and muffle his snout.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_23"></a>[23]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Not a crab-louse car’d P⸺ for the Priest and his laws;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He stood up for his <i>prepuce</i>, and spoke to the cause;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">His language was nervous, his reasoning clear,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And he spoke full as well as the <i>Members</i> elsewhere.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Your life, cry’d he, Crop’s a mere mock of devotion;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Well spoken, said Cods, who was backing each motion;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Such conduct, he said, combin’d madness and sin;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And Cods swore his friend P⸺ should sleep in a whole skin.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Now in Akerman’s synagogue Crop’s got a place,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A beard like a Jew doth his pious front grace;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In time ’tis to grow so enormously big,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">As to make <span class="smcap">Tommy Erskine</span> a full-bottom’d wig.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_24"></a>[24]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Mr. P⸺, said Crop, to turn Turk I intend,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And ’mongst smack and smooth eunuchs my days will I end;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Poor P⸺ took the hint, and did woefully weep,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Till his <i>flesh cap</i> flipp’d o’er him, then he fell asleep.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_25"></a>[25]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><i>The <span class="smcap">Flats</span> and the <span class="smcap">Sharps</span> of the <span class="smcap">Nation</span>.</i></h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Of Handel’s fam’d Commemoration,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And what was let loose there, I sing,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When the Flats and the Sharps of our nation</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Assembled along with their King.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Madam Mara (now mark what will follow)</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Her ravishing sounds was imparting;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Momus play’d off a trick on Apollo,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And set the sweet lady a f—t—g.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">At Sowgelders’ Hall, rural scene,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The seat of a Knight and his swine,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The musical Madam had been</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Invited by Mawbey to dine:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So the cause of this windy commotion</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Was owing, if we’re not mistaken,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To her bolting too great a proportion</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Of pease-pudding and gammon of bacon.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Sir John Hawky, the musical Knight,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Who in wit all the Quorum surpasses,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And to whom, if we judge of him right,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The wise men of Greece were mere asses,</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_26"></a>[26]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Has defin’d Antient Music to be</div> - <div class="verse indent2">What sprung from the bottom of Madam,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And that under the wisdom-fraught tree</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Eve f—t—d in concert with Adam.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Now those sages renown’d in our nation,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The fam’d F.R.S.es, do tell us,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That to blow up the coals of creation,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The bum is a species of bellows.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But Priestley, who loves to oppose,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Doth a different system insist on,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And swears that he’s led by the nose</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To pronounce it a Cask of Phlogiston.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The moment the Lady let fly,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Billington, Storacci, and Kelly,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With laughter were ready to die</div> - <div class="verse indent2">At the pickle of poor Rubinelli;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For Rubi, the father of screeches,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">In laughing at Mara, so strain’d it,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That his <span class="smcap">pipe</span> let the piss in his breeches,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">For no <span class="smcap">cistern</span> has he to retain it.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_27"></a>[27]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Hurlowe Thrumbo, your wonder ’twill raise,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Is of catgut so charming a scraper,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That, old Orpheus-like, when he plays,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The trees and the brutes round him caper.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He blasted the Thing I won’t name,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Hop’d she’d burst on the rock of damnation;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But he stopp’d when the Bishop cry’d “Shame,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“Brother, think of the late proclamation.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">That famous reformist, Jack Wilkes,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Martin Luther the Second now deem’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Sat in converse with Lawn Sleeves and Silks,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And declar’d Sacred Music blasphem’d;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But Jack turning round to Jem Twitch,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Swore ’twas like the affair on the Terrace,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When Bethsheba, impudent bitch,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Shew’d bollocking David her bare arse.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_28"></a>[28]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Now Sir Watkin ap Williams ap Wynne,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Who came from whence came John ap Morgan,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Roar’d out to the band-leading Bates,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To drown the <span class="smcap">foul noise</span> with <i>bur</i> organ:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So Bates, by a blast of the bellows,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Made peace and sweet sounds rule the roast;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then drink about, laughing fellows—</div> - <div class="verse indent2">For f⸺g and fiddling’s my toast.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_29"></a>[29]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">RUNNYMEDE PILLAR.</h2> - -<p class="center">Air, <i>I can’t for my Life guess the Cause of this Fuss</i>.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">To celebrate deeds of renown, ’tis agreed</div> - <div class="verse indent2">That a pillar on fam’d Runnymede be erected:</div> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">Men</span> of <span class="smcap">Parts</span> of all parties then here may proceed,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To relate how this wonderful work is effected.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The pillar’s to stand in Middlesex land,</div> - <div class="verse indent2"><span class="smcap">Bushy Park’s centre’s</span> the sweet pleasure ground;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A strong-fenc’d retreat, well water’d and sweet,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Where Adam first <span class="smcap">fell</span>, Runnymede’s to be found.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Rare Runnymede such pleasures producing,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">No language of mortals is equal to tell;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Tho’ Moses declines it, my Muse thus defines it:</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The paradise where our progenitors <span class="smcap">fell</span>.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_30"></a>[30]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">When the midwife, our welcome deliverer, came,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Runnymede witness’d a great revolution;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">From bondage she brought us, and Nature, dear dame,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To Britain’s brave sons gave their good Constitution:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For blessings like these, let gratitude seize</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The <span class="smcap">critical minute</span> its ardour to shew;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The <span class="smcap">stones</span> first prepare the <span class="smcap">pillar</span> to rear,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Then <span class="smcap">discharge</span> in this <span class="smcap">mede</span> the just debt that we owe.</div> - <div class="verse indent24">Rare Runnymede, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">When Eve, with a mixture of fear and surprise,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Beheld the <span class="smcap">huge pillar</span> of Adam erected,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Her bare bosom heav’d, and gave vent to soft sighs,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">While with curious eye she the structure inspected.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_31"></a>[31]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">O’erjoy’d did she trace the <span class="smcap">moss</span> round its base,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">But its altitude did her chaste senses appal;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Eve fainted away, and Moses doth say,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">That her apron of fig-leaves flew up in the fall.</div> - <div class="verse indent24">Rare Runnymede, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Adam’s instinct divine display’d powers that prove,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Mighty man most sagacious of Nature’s creation;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Eve’s distress he beheld, and, in pity, Love</div> - <div class="verse indent2">His <span class="smcap">column</span> convey’d to its dear destination.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">What follow’d, you’ll find, is wisely design’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And the Hercules’ Pillar of Pagan renown</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Ne’er long could stand in Middlesex land,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Adam’s <span class="smcap">basis</span> gave way, so the Pillar fell down.</div> - <div class="verse indent24">Rare Runnymede, &c.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_32"></a>[32]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">By the magical touch of his heaven-tun’d lyre,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Amphion, the Theban King, wonders effected;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Stones erst in confusion his sounds did inspire,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">They danc’d, and we’re told tow’ring walls were erected.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Such harmonic sway this Mede doth display,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And from chaos, thus transient, can order restore;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A quick resurrection succeeds the defection,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To meet the same fate that befel it before.</div> - <div class="verse indent24">Rare Runnymede, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">That architect, old Mother Phillips I mean,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Doth cases prepare of a curious constructure,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">From the fury of fire <i>standing Pillars</i> to screen,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">As light’ning’s disarm’d by th’ <i>attractive Conductor</i>:</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_33"></a>[33]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">But curst be her traffic for <span class="smcap">things polygraphic</span>;</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To vend for original, Pillars she plann’d;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Monuments base usurping the place,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Where alone the <span class="smcap">proud pillar</span> of Nature should stand.</div> - <div class="verse indent24">Rare Runnymede, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Tho’ partisans differ, in this all agree,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">From Reason’s clear light, and from Nature’s dictation,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That <span class="smcap">the Mede</span>, at this moment, my mind’s eye doth see,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Is alone the sweet spot for the <span class="smcap">proud pillar’s</span> station.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">There stout may it stand, resisting Time’s hand:</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And, Nature, great architect, as thee we prize!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">From fire protect it, when down don’t neglect it,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Let it <span class="smcap">rise</span> but to <span class="smcap">fall</span>, let it <span class="smcap">fall</span> but to <span class="smcap">rise</span>.</div> - <div class="verse indent24">Rare Runnymede, &c.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_34"></a>[34]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><span class="smaller">THE</span><br /> -BANKRUPT BAWD.</h2> - -<p class="center">Tune, <i>Vicar of Bray</i>.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Near Jermyn-street a <span class="smcap">Bawd</span> did trade,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">In credit, style, and splendor,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Well known to ev’ry <i>high-bred</i> blade,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And those of <i>doubtful</i> gender:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">How Nature once, in <i>marring</i> mood,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Her body form’d, I’ll tell ye,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Upon her back a <i>swelling stood</i>,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To mock her <i>barren belly</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - <div class="verse indent2">For some succeed, and others fail,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">That into commerce enter,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">So sew are chaste, and many frail,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">In this <i>great trading Center</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">In <i>coney skins</i> her <i>commerce</i> lay,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A charming stock she’d laid in;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She ne’er to <i>smugglers</i> fell a prey,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Her practice was <i>fair trading</i>:</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_35"></a>[35]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">These skins when <i>dress’d</i> were <i>red</i> and <i>white</i>,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The <i>fur</i> of each <i>fair creature</i>,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of diff’rent hues, hath day and night</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Kept warm man’s <i>naked nature</i>.</div> - <div class="verse indent14">For some succeed, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The trading stock of this <span class="smcap">old Bawd</span></div> - <div class="verse indent2">A <i>vital stab</i> sustain’d, sir;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The news like <i>wild-fire</i> flew abroad,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Each customer <i>complain’d</i>, sir;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Some <i>coney-skins</i> lay with a lot,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">By caution uninspected;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So <i>quarantine</i>, alas! forgot,</div> - <div class="verse indent2"><i>Foul plague</i> the whole infected.</div> - <div class="verse indent14">For some succeed, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Now <span class="smcap">old</span> and <span class="smcap">young</span> her shop forsook,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Insolvent was her plight, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When <i>Habeas Corpus</i> Catchpole took</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Her body off by night, sir;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">From <i>Banco Regis</i> civil law,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To liquidate her debt, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Between <i>the sheets</i> this <span class="smcap">old Bawd</span> saw</div> - <div class="verse indent2"><i>Of London’s fam’d Gazette</i>, sir.</div> - <div class="verse indent14">For some succeed, &c.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_36"></a>[36]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">To give each creditor his due,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Three men, <i>the Lord’s Anointed</i>,</div> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">Jack Wilkes</span>, <span class="smcap">Lord Sandwich</span>, and <span class="smcap">old Q.</span>,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Were Assignees appointed:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But, luckless Bawd! the after day</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Her stock <i>on fire</i> they found, sir;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So ’twas agreed she could not pay</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A <i>cundum</i> in the pound, sir.</div> - <div class="verse indent14">For some succeed, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The skin (<i>her own</i>) this Bawd had left,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Each Assignee did handle;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Twas found of all its <i>fur bereft</i>,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">By singing flame of candle:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Some <i>butter’d bunns</i> conceal’d within,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Old Q.’s keen eye beset, sir;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So Wilkes defin’d this coney skin</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A <i>fund for floating debt</i>, sir.</div> - <div class="verse indent14">For some succeed, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">By <i>headlong lust</i> her claimants led,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">They seiz’d her <i>mortal treasure</i>;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The <i>furless</i> coney skin was spread,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A <i>dividend</i> past measure.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_37"></a>[37]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Now all <i>came in</i>, not one <i>stood out</i>;</div> - <div class="verse indent2"><span class="smcap">The Bawd</span> was set at large, sir;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Her coney skin (of <i>worth</i>, no doubt)</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Did ev’ry <span class="smcap">man</span> <i>discharge</i>, sir.</div> - <div class="verse indent14">For some succeed, &c.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_38"></a>[38]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">MEDLEY.</h2> - -<p class="center">Air, <i>Bow Wow</i>.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Silence, humbugs all, and I’ll sing you a merry song;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Like our lives, ’tis a medley, neither short nor very long;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I mean plainly to prove, that in high and low station,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Hub, bub, bub, bub, boo, is the business of the nation.</div> - <div class="verse indent14">Hub, bub, boo, fal, lal, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">As late from the hall Hurlow Thrumbo came growling,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A carman’s great dog at his coach set up howling;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Enrag’d with the brute, Hurlow let down the glass, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Cry’d, “whose dog is that?” quoth the carman, “ask his a—, sir.”</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_39"></a>[39]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The coachman drove on; but ere he’d driven very far,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Two wheels were left behind, and snap went the splinter bar;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Hurlow roar’d out aloud (tho’ no doubt he did wrong to’t),</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For he blasted the bar, and all that <i>belong’d</i> to’t.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">’Tis not long ago, since poor Jack, the Brighton taylor,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For stitching well a <i>button-hole</i>, was pinn’d up by the jailor:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The trial tells us, by surprise, snip seiz’d an artless lass, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And cabbag’d her virginity, the best piece of her a—, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The maiden scream’d, and snip teem’d with love’s delicious liquor;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">O there never was a taylor that could stitch it nine times quicker;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Twas ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Till he work’d up all the thread, then he ripp’d up the slit O.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_40"></a>[40]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“R⸺,” dames cry, “what a ravishing creature!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“His pipe! and his shake! and each delicate feature!”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But la! what a pity, divine R⸺!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Your pipe can but carry the p— from your belly!</div> - <div class="verse indent14">Bow, wow, wow, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">If wedlock’s your plan, ere you scheme to open trenches,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Humbugs pray take heed of our modern made-up wenches:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Fore and aft they are plump to view, but feel, and you will find, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">They’ve bubbies like blown bladders, and all is hum behind, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Oh poverty! our purses spare, and pains, do not perplex us,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Still the cheerful song we’ll chaunt, nor shall trifles ever vex us;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But leave to dreary dull dogs their cheerless hours to spend, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Whilst we, in mirthful mood, meet our bottles, c⸺s, and friends, sir.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_41"></a>[41]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Now the sequel of my song mark well each humbug brother,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Tho’ here we laugh, drink and joke, and humbug one another;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When out of wind, Death hums us, and we’re sent the Lord knows where, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">If we’ve humbugg’d the Devil, I’ll be d⸺d if we need fear, sir.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_42"></a>[42]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">HUMBUG CLUB CONSTITUTIONAL SONG.</h2> - -<p class="center">Air, <i>The Roast Beef of Old England</i>.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">This tastey gay town’s grown of humbug so full,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That ev’ry new day starts new matter to gull,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Credulity’s known by the name of John Bull.</div> - <div class="verse indent2">O the humbugs of Old England;</div> - <div class="verse indent2">How finely Old England’s humbugg’d!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Sham patriots profess, with a plausible grace,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The nerves of the nation they shortly could brace,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But <i>pro bono publico</i> means a good place.</div> - <div class="verse indent24">O the humbugs, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Here clergy the minister flatter and fawn,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Stick close to his skirts to secure sleeves of lawn,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And the curate’s old cassock goes weekly to pawn.</div> - <div class="verse indent24">O the humbugs, &c.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_43"></a>[43]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The dunce is dubb’d doctor, <i>sans</i> sense in his head,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And fame unacquir’d is thro’ quackery spread,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With cures that are cureless credulity’s fed.</div> - <div class="verse indent24">O the humbugs, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The captain’s a compound of flash and cockade,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Cosmetics, pink powder, with curl carronade,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And his feats are confin’d to box-lobby parade.</div> - <div class="verse indent24">O the humbugs, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Now lawyers are licens’d their clients to cheat,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Trading justices equity tread under feet,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And rascally runners all rogu’ry greet.</div> - <div class="verse indent24">O the humbugs, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The stage, to amuse us, sings “Fal de Ral Tit,”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With “Che chow cherry chow, and cherry chow chit;”</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_44"></a>[44]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">And then, to humbug us, they puff it as wit.</div> - <div class="verse indent24">O the humbugs, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">So now, brother humbugs, you all plainly see,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That few modern modes from humbugging are free;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Let’s distinguish <i>our humbug</i> with wine, wit, and glee.</div> - <div class="verse indent24">O the humbugs, &c.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_45"></a>[45]</span></p> - -<p class="hanging">The celebrated patroness of the young Chimney -Sweepers, whose hard fate was so often deplored -by the late Jonas Hanway, has had fitted up an -elegant apartment in her town residence, decorated -with Feathers; here follows a description of -what is termed</p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">“<span class="smcap">The FEATHER’D ROOM.</span>”</h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">I.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The blue-stocking club, when abandon’d by fame,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">On a project resolv’d to revive a lost name,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So for each member’s comfort in life’s chilling gloom,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Old mother M⸺tague feather’d her room.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - <div class="verse indent12">Sing a Ballynamona oro,</div> - <div class="verse indent12">A fine feather’d chamber for me.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">II.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Like old mother Philips, tho’ doubtless her betters,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">These blue-stocking ladies are <i>ladies of letters</i>;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_46"></a>[46]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Not in love, but in learning, their passions prevail,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And they <i>feather the head</i> whilst they <i>moult at the tail</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">III.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">An Irish upholsterer Murphy’s the man,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who furnished my muse with a sketch of this plan;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To guard off the wind that hard by the spot gathers,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He told me she’d <i>paper’d</i> her front room with <i>feathers</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">IV.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">By the hair-broom of Nature this room was neglected,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Here lay dust undisturbed, and there cobweb collected;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Till a lewd son of Adam, a son of a whore,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To get into the room had <i>burst open the door</i>.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_47"></a>[47]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">V.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then wicked wit W⸺ and old lolly-pop Q⸺,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">This fine feather’d drawing-room hasten’d to view;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Old Q⸺ first got in, but he soon turn’d about,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For the feathers flew round him and <i>tickl’d his snout</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">VI.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">W⸺ stood undismay’d at old Q⸺’s queer mishap,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And swore, tho’ the devil should stand in the gap,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Into it he’d wriggle; when in it he got,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He turn’d pale and fell sick, and dropt dead on the spot.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">VII.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Birds of passage, alas! all us mortals are here,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Exclaim’d Johnny W⸺ when he spent his last tear;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_48"></a>[48]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">In his last dying speech, he declar’d with dejection,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He’d not the least hope of a flesh resurrection.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">VIII.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Now ere like Johnny W⸺ my muse gives up the ghost,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She leaves, as a legacy, Nature’s first toast;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The front room of Eve Adam fill’d full of sin,</div> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Well feather’d</i> without, and <i>well furnish’d within</i>.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_49"></a>[49]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">LITTLE PERU,<br /> -<span class="smaller">OR THE</span><br /> -WICKLOW GOLD-MINE.</h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">I.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">My sweet native land, the first place of my birth there,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Good luck to you dear if the story be true,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In your bowels I’m told on the face of the earth there,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Lies Mexico’s wealth, a snug little Peru;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Back to Ireland I’ll trot and fall digging for riches,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">These two eyes no longer shall pewter behold,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For a pair I’ll get measur’d of ready-made breeches,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And copper both pockets with pure virgin gold.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_50"></a>[50]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">II.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Come then brother Pats and pack up your odd matters,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Leave nothing behind you but what you can take,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Tis your turn to laugh at John Bull’s rags and tatters,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No longer at Pat can he fun and game make.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No more with sweet butter-milk whitewash your bodies,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No more with potatoes your full stomachs cram,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">As Plutus, not Patrick, old Ireland’s rich God is,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Drink champaign and venison, with rasberry jam.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">III.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You chairmen from Ireland, big blackguards call’d ponies,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Case you up and down, fan away tabbies in chairs,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You’ll soon be all jontlemen and macaronies,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">If your prize in Peru only comes up in shares.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_51"></a>[51]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">I think I now see you all swell, strut, and swagger,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With big lumps of nature’s coin’d gold in your hand,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When by whiskey tight-laced up St. James’s you stagger,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Bid tabbies go carry themselves and be d⸺d.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">IV.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And you flashy captains who oft go recruiting,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Mongst England’s brisk widows, fond daughters and wives,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Leave war for a peace, and don’t be after shooting</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of Frenchmen, to frighten them out of their lives.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">What’s honour and glory to flush ready rhino,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Without which no captain can keep up the ball,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Quick march to Peru, the sweet spot you and I know,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Fill your bellies with full pay and half-pay and all.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_52"></a>[52]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">V.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Oh! you my Bath Bobadils hunting for acres,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And shaking your elbows, cry seven’s the main,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For the bodies of belles you’re the live undertakers,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But you take them, it’s true, for no prospect of gain.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It’s not for a gold-mine you Bobadils marry,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Tis all for pure love, beauty, temper, and grace!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Tis for kindness and tenderness said Captain Larry,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who kill’d his last wife by too tight an embrace.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">VI.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Ye limbs of the law living on little pittances,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Fertile in quibbles, tho’ barren in fees,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Yet pregnant with bother ’bout Irish remittances,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Which you mighty well know never cross the salt seas;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_53"></a>[53]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Leave the law’s crooked path for the straight path of pleasure,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The road to Peru is the turnpike to wealth;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And when you walk thro’ it pursuing your treasure,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Pay as you come back, when your purse is in health.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">VII.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You gentlemen all in St. Giles’s gay quarter,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To carry a hod, make you shoulder an ass,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">My tight peep of day boys, leave stones, bricks, and mortar,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Come one after t’other, rise all in a mass.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Go taste but the water of Wicklow’s clear fountain,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And then, in a moment, you’ll miracles find;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">By the stream that runs up to the top of the mountain,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Like a watch case of gold will your bodies be lin’d.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_54"></a>[54]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">VIII.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And you L⸺M⸺M like penny-post walking,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">All up and down London to bother the stones,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In a pair of jack boots there no longer be stalking,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But to Ireland convey yourself, body, and bones.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">As an absentee go and dwell on your estate then,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Lay the root to the axe” of your tenants distress,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A slice of Peru for old Pompey the great then,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Will make him look bigger sure never the less.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">IX.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And you father O’Burke, first of Irish defenders,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of war and corruption, of tyrants and slaves,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Protector of kings, not of humbug pretenders,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So you pray for their lives, and keep digging their graves.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_55"></a>[55]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">As their old priest and sexton you’ve got a snug pension,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The gift of our king, wealthy, worthy, and wise;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Twas to make you see clearer, ah! lucky invention,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He threw the gold dust of Peru in your eyes.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">X.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Jew Aaron of old, in the absence of Moses,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Set up a gold calf, a strange fancy I think;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When Moses came back, they pull’d each others noses,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Burnt the gold calf, and mixt it with water to drink.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To be sure for pure gold with some silver alloy now,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I shan’t be of worship and gratitude full;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But I make a calf when you know my dear joy now,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For half the expence I can make a nate bull.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_56"></a>[56]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">XI.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">While planning prosperity for brother paddies dear,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I took up the news, called the National Star;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I read it aloud, and was mightily vex’d to hear</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Peru had been seiz’d for the king, not the war.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So said I to myself, talking to a bye-stander,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I hate all damn’d wars and their consequent ills;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But Peru for the king, sedition and slander,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Tis to pay future ministers’ blunders and bills.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_57"></a>[57]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><span class="smaller">THE</span><br /> -BLUE VEIN,<br /> -<span class="smaller">A TRUE WELCH STORY.</span></h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">I.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Ye fun-loving fellows for comical tales,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Match this if you can, truly current in Wales;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The bible so old, and the testament new,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Have none more authentic, more faithful, or true.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Four frisky maidens, young, handsome, and plump,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who cou’d each crack a flea on their bubbies or rump,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Took it into their heads, just to bother the tail</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of Ned Natty, a groom, so they jalap’d his ale.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_58"></a>[58]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">II.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Now Ned on red herrings that ev’ning did sup,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So he drank ev’ry drop of the gripe-giving cup,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Soon his guts ’gan to grumble, and shortly Ned found</div> - <div class="verse indent0">His bowels give way, and his body unbound:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The buckskin’s gay leather, by gallows confin’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Could not be cut down ’till indecently lin’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">This made Neddy’s P⸺o, accustom’d to sprout,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Shrink into his belly, and turn up his snout.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">III.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The time this damn’d jalap in Ned’s belly lurk’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No post-horse like Neddy was ever so work’d,</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_59"></a>[59]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Three nights and three days he lay squirting in bed,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And neither could hold up his tail nor his head:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The storm, at length, ceasing, purg’d Ned ’gan to think</div> - <div class="verse indent0">On some revenge sweet for this damnable stink,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“For I’m damn’d,” exclaim’d Ned, “if these bitches shan’t find</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“That I’m cabbag’d before, tho’ I’m loosen’d behind.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">IV.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Twas early one morn, exercising his steed,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Ned saw an old gipsey hag crossing the mead,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Straight he hail’d her, and said, “Woman, where do you hie?”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She replied, “to tell fortunes of females hard by”:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Now these females Ned found were his jalapping friends,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So he thought it the season to make them amends,</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_60"></a>[60]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Then he brib’d for the cant, and the gipsey’s old cloaths;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Thus equipp’d, said Ned, trick for trick, damn me, here goes.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">V.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">First Molly, the cook-maid, he took by the hand,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">From her greasy palm, told her what fortune had plann’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She was soon to be married, each year have a brat,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Indeed,” cried the cooky, “how can you tell that?”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“I’ll tell you the number,” said Ned, “let me see</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The blue vein that’s low plac’d ’twixt the navel and knee,”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When she pull’d up her cloaths, Ned exclaim’d, “I declare</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Your blue vein I can’t see, ’tis so cover’d with hair.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">VI.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Next dairy-maid Dolly, of letchery full,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Swore she was then breeding, for she’d had the bull;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_61"></a>[61]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">To the gipsey, said Doll, “can you, old woman, tell</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Whether bull or cow calf make my belly so swell?”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When he view’d her blue vein, he said, “Doll, by my troth,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You must find out two fathers, for you will have both,”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For the squire and the curate, when heated with ale,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Doll Dairy had milk’d in her amorous pail.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">VII.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Now Kitty, the house-maid, so frisky and fair,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who smelt none the sweeter for carrotty hair,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Presenting her palm to the gipsey so shrewd,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Was candidly told that her nature was lewd:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">While feeling the vein near her gold-girted nick,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Kate play’d the old gipsey a slippery trick,</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_62"></a>[62]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">So Kate, that had ne’er been consider’d a whore,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Was told she’d miscarried the morning before.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">VIII.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then came Peggy the prude, who no bawdy could bear,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Yet wou’d tickle the lap-dog while combing his hair;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Is the butler, my sweetheart,” said Peggy, “sincere,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“And shall we be married, pray, gipsey, this year?”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Quoth the gipsey, “you’ll have him for better or worse,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“But you’ll find that his corkscrew is not worth a curse;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“So when you are wed, ’twill be o’er the town talk’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“There goes Peggy, a bottle, most damnably cork’d.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">IX.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Now Ned, thus reveng’d, bid the maidens good day,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But, curious, they ask’d him a moment to stay,</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_63"></a>[63]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">For said Molly, the cook-maid, “we all long to see</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“If you’ve a blue vein ’twixt the navel and knee:”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Ned pull’d up his cloaths, Sir, when to their surprise,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">They beheld his blue vein of a wonderful size,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The sight Kate the carrotty couldn’t withstand,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She grasp’d the blue vein ’till it burst in her hand.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">X.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So alarm’d, the prude Peggy fell into strong fits,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Frighten’d cook and Doll dairy went out of their wits;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then carrotty Kitty to gipsey Ned spoke,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“We’ll each give a guinea to stifle the joke:”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But Ned swore that no money should silence his tongue,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That the tale should be told in a mirth-moving song;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_64"></a>[64]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">“As a caution,” cry’d Ned, “to all Abigails frail,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“That there’s more fun in f⸺g than jalapping ale.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">XI.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The story like wildfire o’er Cambria was spread,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">From the borders of Chester, to fam’d Holyhead,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In a vein of good humour, the vein that is blue,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Will long be remember’d by me and by you:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then fill a bright bumper to honour this vein,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A bumper of pleasure to badger all pain;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So hear us, celestials, gay mortals below!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Drink c—t, the blue vein, wherein floods of joy flow.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_65"></a>[65]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">COUNTRY LIFE.</h2> - -<p class="center"><i>Written by CAPTAIN MORRIS.</i></p> - -<p class="center smaller smcap">WITH ADDITIONAL STANZAS BY MR. HEWERDINE, -MARKED BY INVERTED COMMAS.</p> - -<p class="center">Captain Morris’s song is here inserted, for the sake -of the answer that follows.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">In <span class="smcap">London</span> I never know what to be at—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Enraptur’d with this, and transported with that;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’m wild with the sweets of variety’s plan—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And life seems a blessing too happy for man!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">But the <span class="smcap">Country</span> (Lord bless us!) sets all matters right—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So calm and composing from morning to night:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Oh, it settles the stomach, when nothing is seen</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But an ass on a common—a goose on a green!</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_66"></a>[66]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">In <span class="smcap">London</span> how easy we visit and meet!—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Gay pleasure’s the theme, and sweet smiles are our treat;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Our mornings a round of good humour delight—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And we rattle in comfort and pleasure all night!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">In the <span class="smcap">Country</span> how pleasant our visits to make,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Thro’ ten miles of mud, for formality’s sake;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With the coachman in drink, and the moon in a fog,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And no thought in our head—but a ditch or a bog!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">In <span class="smcap">London</span>, if folks ill together are put,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A <i>bore</i> may be roasted, a <i>quiz</i> may be cut.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“In the <span class="smcap">Country</span> your friends would feel angry and sore,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Call an old maid a <i>quiz</i>, or a parson a <i>bore</i>.”</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_67"></a>[67]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">In the <span class="smcap">Country</span> you’re nail’d like a pale in your park,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To some stick of a neighbour cramm’d into the ark;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Or, if you are sick, or in fits tumble down,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You reach death, ere the doctor can reach you from town.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">I’ve heard that how love in a cottage is sweet,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When two hearts in one link of soft sympathy meet:—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I know nothing of that; for, alas, I’m a swain</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who requires (I own it) more links to <span class="smcap">my</span> chain!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Your jays and your magpies may chatter on trees,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And whisper soft nonsense in groves if they please:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But a house is much more to my mind than a tree;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And, for groves—oh, a fine grove of chimneys for me!</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_68"></a>[68]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“In the ev’ning you’re screw’d to your chairs fist to fist,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“All stupidly yawning at sixpenny whist;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“And, tho’ win or lose, ’tis as true as ’tis strange,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“You’ve nothing to pay—the good folks <i>have no change!</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“But, for singing and piping, your time to engage,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“You’ve cock and hen bullfinches coop’d in a cage;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“And what music in nature can make you so feel,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“As a pig in a gate stuck, or knife-grinder’s wheel!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“I grant, if in fishing you take much delight,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“In a punt you may shiver from morning to night;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“And, tho’ blest with the patience that <span class="smcap">Job</span> had of old,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“The devil a thing do you catch—but a <i>cold</i>!</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_69"></a>[69]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“Yet ’tis charming to hear, just from boarding-school come,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“A Tit-up tune up an old family strum:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Play <i>God save the King</i> in an excellent tone,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“With the sweet variation of <i>Old Bob and Joan</i>!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“But, what tho’ your appetite’s in a weak state,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“A pound at a time they will push on your plate:—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“’Tis true, as to health, you’ve no cause to complain;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“For they’ll drink it, <span class="smcap">God</span> bless ’em, <i>again and again</i>!”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Then in <span class="smcap">Town</span> let me live, and in <span class="smcap">Town</span> let me die;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For, in truth, I can’t relish the <span class="smcap">Country</span>—not I.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">If I must have a villa in <span class="smcap">London</span> to dwell,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Oh, give me the sweet shady side of Pall-mall!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_70"></a>[70]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><span class="smcap">The ANSWER to CAPTAIN MORRIS’s</span><br /> -<span class="smaller">SONG, “<i>The COUNTRY LIFE</i>.”</span></h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">I.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">As town-bitten bards, bred in fashion and noise,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The country decry, and its health yielding joys;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Let us fairly examine the preference due</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To the smoak-smother’d town, o’er the villa’s clear view.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">II.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">At ev’ry town tavern you turn in to dine,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Tho’ your dinner’s half cold, smoaking hot is your wine;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then how pleasant and wholesome while picking your bone,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The mix’d odour of other folks food and your own.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_71"></a>[71]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">III.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then noisy and drunk, scarcely feeling their legs,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Bucks sup at the M⸺, on hash’d duck, oysters, eggs,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Eggs pregnant with chick, oysters sp—d up before,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The duck dainty fed in the streets common sewer.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">IV.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Yet, how charming Vauxhall in a cold rainy night,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To hear dull-hacknied ditties to music so trite;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You’ve a thin slice of ham, town-made wine thick and flat:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">View a tinman’s cascade, and a fidler’s cock’d hat!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">V.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">See Ranelagh! folly and fashion’s resort,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And vapid masqued balls, where Intrigue holds her court;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">There girls are “loose fishes,” pull’d up in their turns;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">There wives are harpoon’d, and dull husbands get horns.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_72"></a>[72]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">VI.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The dance is <i>bon ton</i>—and in hot sultry weather</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Sticks the sexes like two pats of butter together!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And when you get into the heart of the hop,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You’re pinion’d like fowls in a poulterer’s shop.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">VII.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But routes for fine fellows, fine feathers to see,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Strong <i>liqueurs</i> for ladies, who love to make free;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Old tabbies at cards, over old fashion’d fans,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Peeping, cheating, and squinting in each others hands.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">VIII.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then at dinners and concerts see fidlers so fine,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Bolt hot macaroni, drink rare foreign wine;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">There musical dames, at each shift and each shake,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Die away, “<i>amoroso</i>,” for fiddle-stick’s sake.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_73"></a>[73]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">IX.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In a vortex of dust, thro’ the sun’s scorching ray,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A rotten-row ride on a Sunday how gay;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Thro’ a long lane of lacqueys you meet your hard fate,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Screw’d in and screw’d out of a damn’d narrow gate.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">X.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then how cursedly civil when folks in town roam,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To leave cards with their friends, when they know they’re <i>from home</i>;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In the country, glad welcome our visits attends,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">We’ve no humbugging, card-dropping, shy-fighting friends.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">XI.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In London, while day-light, not long are you clean;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">At night you’re bug bitten, scarce fit to be seen;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Thus amusement and exercise fall in your way,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For you’re scratching all night, and you’re scrubbing all day.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_74"></a>[74]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">XII.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In the streets oft you meet a queer stick of a fellow,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who pokes in your eye his sharp-pointed umbrella;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But the measure of danger is scarcely half full,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When a flow’r-pot dropt down, breaks itself and your scull.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">XIII.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">If in London the doctors should shorten life’s date,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To lie long in the grave’s, not the dead bodies fate;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For surgeon, clerk, sexton, and coachman conspire,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To mangle the corpse, and the bones join with wire.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">XIV.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In the country we’re healthy, all vigour and spunk,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No doctor we want, but to make him dead drunk;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_75"></a>[75]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Nor yet patent-coffins; for, once in the ground,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Our bodies are snug, till the trumpet’s last sound.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">XV.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Now suppose you a flat, and addicted to play,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In London a sharp will seize on you as prey;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He’ll the passion promote, make you drink, though not dry,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And filch your fair prospects by <i>loading the die</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">XVI.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then the sports of the field, a fine view of the sea,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Friend and bottle, girl, Cutter, and cottage give me;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">At smoak’d <i>rus in urbe</i> let other bards dwell,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Keep me from Pall Mall, Piccadilly, and <i>Hell</i>!<a id="FNanchor_1" href="#Footnote_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnotes"> -<div class="footnote"> -<p><a id="Footnote_1" href="#FNanchor_1" class="label">[1]</a> A famous gambling-house so called in the vicinity of -S. James’s.</p> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_76"></a>[76]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">ADDITIONAL STANZAS.</h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">I.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">At the play among loungers and doxies you’re cramm’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To hear wretched stuff that has just not been damn’d;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Take cold with your back ’gainst an open door box,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Get a crick in the neck, and a c⸺ full of p—x!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">II.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Sublime your sensations, arise, when you hear</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The codless Italian, with pipe shrill and clear;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But we in the country, whom cocknies call clods,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">All glory in raising our pipes with our—c⸺ds.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">III.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">At night, half seas over, returning from club,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You run foul of a nightman, and his nose-gay tub;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_77"></a>[77]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">And a jordan perhaps, on your noddle may split,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So before you get home, you’re bepiss’d or be-s—t!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">IV.</div> - <div class="verse stanz">In the country to see us would do your hearts good,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Such pieces we push at, of pure flesh and blood;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Take a flyer in town, ’tis a hot butter’d bun,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And you’re certain to pay thro’ your nose for the fun.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">V.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">At the playhouse or opera when you approach,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">How sweet to be stuck in a stinking hack-coach;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And when you alight, still your patience to try,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A strange hand’s in your pocket, a link’s in your eye.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_78"></a>[78]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">GOODY BURTON’s ALE.</h2> - -<p class="center">Tune, <i>The Dusty Miller</i>.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Goody Burton’s ale</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Gets into my noddle,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Tis so stout and pale,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">It makes me widdle waddle;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When I came to ask,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Who the brewing taught her,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I found out each cask</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Was brew’d by—Goody’s daughter.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Now I long’d to see</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Goody’s buxom brewer,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Hoping I should be</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The only one to woe her;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When I spoke her soft,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">I meant not to fool her,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So I went aloft,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And warm’d her in the <i>cooler</i>.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_79"></a>[79]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Oh! what flesh and blood!</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Malt, and hop, and water,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Are not near so good</div> - <div class="verse indent2">As Goody Burton’s daughter;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I made her heart right glad,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">For till I came across it,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She had never had</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A <i>spigot</i> in her <i>fauset</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Nightly at my door</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Comes a gentle rapping,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Tis Miss Burton sure,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Who wants her barrel <i>tapping</i>;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When her barrel’s tapp’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">She with art and cunning,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Turns the patent cock,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And sets the <i>liquor running</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Other folks I hear,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Pant for Betsy Burton,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But I’ve nought to fear,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">So I let her flirt on;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">If her cask runs low,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Slowly comes the liquor,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Betsy tilts it <i>so</i>,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And makes it come the <i>quicker</i>.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_80"></a>[80]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Mellow up and ripe,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">I and Parson Cottle,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Sit behind a pipe,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And quaff the ale in bottle;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Goody Burton bye,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Sings to please the parson,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">While Miss B. and I</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Carry Nature’s—<i>farce on</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">By the yeast I swear,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Yielding fermentation,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To the home-brew’d beer,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The neighbour’s admiration,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">This the maid will tell,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The Bard’s no bragging talker,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Like ale, to keep her well,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Well, by Jove,—I <i>cork her</i>.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_81"></a>[81]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><span class="smaller">THE</span><br /> -LADIES’ WIGS.</h2> - -<p class="center">Tune, <i>Moll in the Wad</i>.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">You’ll pardon me, ma’am, I’m quite a gig,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Is it your hair, or is it a wig?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Upon my life, I mean no quiz,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But is’t your own, or the barber his friz?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Because if it is, ’tis a very neat friz,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Whether it’s yours—or whether it’s his;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But if it’s a wig, it’s a little too big,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And you’ll dance it off in a reel or a jig.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Post-chaises, coaches, chairs, and gigs,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Are let as jobs like ladies’ light wigs;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And scandal gossips (madam) say</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Yours is a jasey hir’d by the day.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Be that as it may, it’s a very cheap way,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Jaseys to lett of all colours but grey;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But, what do I see, that gives me such glee,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You’re cocking your cap and your caxon at me.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_82"></a>[82]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Now into a scrape, by love, I’m led,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Your wig, dear ma’am, has twisted my head;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">My heart, too, I feel, goes pitty pat,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But what care you or your jasey for that;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Yet I’m no flat—I know what I’m at,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’ll soon mount a wig of my own to match that:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I care not a fig—the woman I twig</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’ll marry, by jasey, in spite of her wig.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The light or dark, brown, black, or flax,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No jasey pays Pitt’s hair-powder tax;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And when with men, maids romp and play,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">How cool to throw the wiggy away;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">By night or by day, to frisk, romp, or play,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">On carpet, bed, sopha, green grass, or new hay;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Whate’er it’s upon, a little crim. con.,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With a lady’s rough jasey’s <i>expensive bon ton</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Pray, ma’am, does the colour of your scratch</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With the hair of your <i>madgery</i> match?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Perhaps as it is the kick and go,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You’ve mounted, ma’am, a merkin below!</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_83"></a>[83]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">But the merkin you’ll find, from water and wind,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Strong torrents before, and stiff breezes behind,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Will not stick at all; but with glue to the cawl,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Twill stick like a snug <i>swallow’s nest</i> to the wall!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Ah, happy, happy, happy hour,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When I get your wig in my pow’r;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then we’ll count the coming joys,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Buxom girls, and prattling boys;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Dolls, trinkets, and toys to feast their young eyes,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And lullaby ditties to quiet their noise;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">While sweet lolly-pob stops the sigh and the sob,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Sing higgledy, piggledy, jiggummy bob.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So bibere bob,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Let’s all hob and nob,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To the ladies’ brown bob,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And sing plenty of money in ev’ry fob.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_84"></a>[84]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><span class="smaller">A</span><br /> -GENTLEMAN’s WIG.</h2> - -<p class="center">Tune, <i>Derry Down</i>.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">I sing not of despots, or slaves who submit,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Not of farmer <span class="smcap">George</span>, <span class="smcap">Jenky</span>, <span class="smcap">Dundas</span>, <span class="smcap">Fox</span>, or <span class="smcap">Pitt</span>!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">My ballad’s the bantling of laughter and gig,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Tis of an old cock in a c—tified wig.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">’Gainst the poll-tax of Pitt this old codger did rave,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Like a felon transported, it forc’d him to shave;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Tho’ tried for my life,” said th’ old buck, I’ll rob</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The tail of some <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> to build a brown bob.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_85"></a>[85]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Near Somerset House he fell in with a tit,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And he thought, for his purpose, the c—tling was fit;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But, when he examin’d her parts, d’ye see,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">All the hair of her c—t would’nt make a toupee.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The same night he pick’d up a merry-ars’d wench,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With hair quantum suff. for the wisdom-wig’d bench;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Whilst on her back sleeping as fast as a top,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He with keen-cutting scissars her c—t made <i>a crop</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Away went the thief, and the barber received</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The booty, for which a fine cawl he had weav’d;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But strange! whilst old <span class="smcap">razor</span> the wig had in hand,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The <i>pole</i> in his breeches did constantly stand.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_86"></a>[86]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Well pleas’d with his plight, Razor laid by his work,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And lather’d the beard of his wife like a Turk;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Keep the wig, said she, Love, don’t expose it for sale,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Tis a <i>bob</i> for your head, and a <i>bob</i> for my <i>tail</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The wig frizz’d and curl’d, closely shav’d Codger’s nob;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Away went the barber to try on the bob;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But the bob waxing warm, Codger’s passions did rise,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Which brought <i>tears</i> in his breeches, instead of his <i>eyes</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">In rampant condition he flew to a fair,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And per chance met the Dolly he’d robb’d of her hair,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She whipp’d off the wig, cloath’d his parts with the cawl,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So in went his dry bob, and wet bob, and all.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_87"></a>[87]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Now we know to be true what anatomists state,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That the fountain of love is supplied from the pate;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Twas the jasey provoking,—sirs, mark what I say,—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Made his fountain of love in love’s bason to play.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Then take my advice, ye old cocks of the game,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Whenever you find your <i>wild</i> passions grown <i>tame</i>;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Get a wig made of hair, from the spot ye all prize,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And in spite of your <i>prudence</i> your p—o will <i>rise</i>.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_88"></a>[88]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><span class="smaller">AN</span><br /> -IRISH DYING DITTY.</h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">I am in my nature as brisk as a fly,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Resolving to live the day after I die;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And when I am dead, this live body to save,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Plant a peck of potatoes plump over my grave;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then, hedge me well round with some big pebble stones,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Else father Mai’s pigs will soon root up my bones;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For sure foolish I’d look at the trumpet’s last sound,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When my body’s to rise, and no bones to be found.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">As I’ve nothing to leave, so I’ve made my last will,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Chalk’d up on a slate, without paper or quill;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_89"></a>[89]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">And <span class="smcap">Judah</span> my wife, the delight of my bed,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Swears she won’t open it till I am dead;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With tears in her eyes too, that did her face souse,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She vows she’ll keep single, tho’ I quit the house;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When I know that the moment my back’s to her face,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She’ll be flying to Paddy O’Blarney’s embrace.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Good luck t’her, say I, for the comfort I’ve had,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For when I was merry, she always was sad;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Dead husbands, she tells me, are not worth a curse,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And live ones are often no better than worse.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When she sleeps all alone, she’s all night wide awake,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And dreams that the devil her conscience will take;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To drive him away from her head, my sweet bride</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Must have a live spouse to lie by her backside.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_90"></a>[90]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Well, let her be married again, what care I,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’m off to my grave, other fish I’ve to fry;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I forgive her, God knows, sure without any bother,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Oh, she’ll think of Pat’s thing if she gets such another.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And now, as the breath in my body’s all gone,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A word or two more, and then Paddy has done;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But yet, when I think on’t, I’ve nothing to say,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For to-morrow we’re here, and are all gone to-day.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_91"></a>[91]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">COFFIN CLUB.</h2> - -<p class="center">CONSTITUTIONAL DIRGE.</p> - -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Costume.</span>—Members to appear in black or faded -crape cravats, tobacco-boxes in the shape of patent -coffins, the end of the pipes to be put in mourning, -with black sealing wax, white pocket handkerchiefs -(if convenient) to catch the tears.</p> - -<p>N. B. A heavy fine on persons indulging in that -foolish practice, called laughter.—“Ashes to Ashes, -Dust to Dust.”—Secretary. The president, whoever -he may be, for the evening, to be called—Mr. -Undertaker; and whoever takes the chair, <i>grave</i> -subjects will be expected from him.</p> - -<p class="center"><i>To the Solemn Tune of</i> “<span class="smcap">Jack Ran.</span>”</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Ye giddy youth, in life’s gay spring,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who wanton joke, laugh, drink, and sing;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Ah, look at us, and change your ways,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In sackcloth we spend all our days.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS—WITH A GROAN.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">May fate bestow what’s good for you,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Horrors jet black, and devils dark blue.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_92"></a>[92]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Did you but know how sweet is grief,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The flowing tears that yield relief;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Sweet sorrow’s sigh, heart-heaving moan,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Your life wou’d be one <i>grunt</i> and <i>groan</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">For life’s like bubbles made by rain,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No sooner come, but gone again;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So we must go, as ’tis our doom,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To make for other bubbles room.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Then ne’er rejoice, or e’er look glad,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Keep cloudy front, and visage sad;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For life’s a flake of smoke at best,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And not as poet’s say, “<i>a jest</i>.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Away with idle hopes and fears,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Cut short your days, and nights, and years;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When desp’rate grown, and hating life</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Go off by <i>water</i>, <i>rope</i>, or <i>knife</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent12"><i>Coffins to be shewn.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Then comes this tight-screw’d patent case,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The undertaker’s last embrace;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_93"></a>[93]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Fast lock’d in which, four feet in ground,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">We’re safe until the trumpet’s sound.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">But, hark! the sexton tolls the bell!</div> - <div class="verse indent4">So coffin comrades fare ye well.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_94"></a>[94]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><span class="smaller">THE</span><br /> -TOY.</h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">At Hampton-court a mansion stands,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A tavern, called the Toy, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A captain there and ensign came,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A seeming beardless boy, sir;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The waiter shew’d ’em both a room,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And as the story teaches,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He shortly saw the captain’s hand</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Within the ensign’s breeches!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The captain damn’d the waiter’s soul,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And bid him straight retire, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The ensign swore, in bouncing tone,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">He’d throw him on the fire, sir!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“I beg your pardon, sirs,” said he,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And thus express my sorrow,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“This is the Toy at Hampton-court,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“Not <i>Sodom</i> and <i>Gomorrah</i>!”</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_95"></a>[95]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Away the waiter ran down stairs,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">No waiter e’er ran faster,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Half out of breath he told the tale</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To Boniface, his master;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A council at the <i>bar</i> agreed,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">That chambermaid and cook, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To give proof of their dirty tricks,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Should thro’ the key-hole look, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">So up went cooky first, and spied</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The parties billing, cooing,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When to herself, she said, “God’s curse,”</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“What nasty work’s a brewing;”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’ll <i>spit</i> ’em, <i>baste</i> ’em, <i>roast</i> ’em too,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">I’ll clyster-pipe the fellows,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then straight with water scalding hot,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">She fill’d the kitchen bellows.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Nell chambermaid next crept up stairs,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Saw th’ ensign on a table,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The captain charging ’twixt his legs,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">With bayonet so able;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“I’ll tuck you up, I’ll warm your bed,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“And when warm in your places,”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Said Nell, “I’ll scorch your nasty scuts,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“Throw p—s in both your faces.”</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_96"></a>[96]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The laundress swore she’d mangle ’em,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The dairy-maid would skim ’em,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The bar-maid vow’d she’d squeeze ’em too,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The ostler swore he’d trim ’em;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The post-boy was for whipping them,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The boots, for brushing, beating,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The scullion was for scow’ring them,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The waiter was for cheating.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The landlord up stairs led the way,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">His servants follow’d after,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">They found the captain full of play,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The ensign full of laughter;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The captain cry’d out, “Who’s afraid?”</div> - <div class="verse indent2">But th’ ensign look’d disgrace, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And carried, as the landlord said,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The <i>colours</i> in his face, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Old Boniface said, “fie for shame!</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“Sure, captain, you are no man,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“You lie,” said he, “and look ye here,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“My ensign is a woman;”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And when he ope’d her waistcoat wide,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The parties were struck dumb, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For a pair of bubbies bolted out,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">God Cupid’s kettle drums, sir.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_97"></a>[97]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The cook said to the ensign gay,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“I’m quite up to the rig, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“You <i>Sodomiters</i>, people say,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“Have breasts as dumplings big, sir;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“And ’till I feel I’ll not believe,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“For I knows dogs from bitches,”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And saying this, she thrust her hand</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Into the ensign’s breeches!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The captain, in a passion, flew</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To his fair friend’s assistance,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He damn’d the cooky for a whore,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And bid her keep her distance;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She’d laid her hand upon the place,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">That spreads the ensign’s p—s, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then looking humbly in his face,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Said, “beg your pardon <span class="smcap">miss</span>—<span class="smcap">sir</span>.”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<h2 class="nobreak">CATASTROPHE.</h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The captain drew his sword, and stood</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To bear ’gainst all the brunt, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And said—I mount not guard in rear,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">But always in the front, sir;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_98"></a>[98]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">He turn’d ’em one by one down stairs,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And shew’d the cook his ’tarse, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">While with his sword, as she pass’d by,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">He <span class="smcap">pink’d</span> her in the a-se, sir.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_99"></a>[99]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><span class="smaller">THE</span><br /> -CROPT COMET.</h2> - -<p class="center">Tune, <i>I have a Tenement to let</i>.</p> - -</div> - -<p>The Comet passed its perehelion on the 20th of -June, 1797, and was seen in the Southern Hemisphere, -passing from Argo through Orion, up towards -<i>Auriga</i>; near the head of which, it was seen by -Miss Caroline Herschell, and to her wonder and -disappointment, without a tail.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">What’s all this bustle and alarm,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">This buzzing ’bout the nation,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A Comet crop’d, now heaves in sight,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A stranger constellation;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Tho’ Newton, Tycho Brahe, Des Cartes,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Concerning Comets vary,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Yet Comets, call them what you will,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Are stars both rough and hairy.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And some are crop’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Nick’d, hog’d, fig’d, dock’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Fir’d, bearded, tail’d, and whisker’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Doodle, doodle, doodle doo,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Doodle, doodle, dil do.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_100"></a>[100]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">But truce to all the learned trash,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">All vague and loose conjecture,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And take from me, ye Comet skill’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A plain and simple lecture;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">If this foul fact I fully prove,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">No odds will be between us,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">This Comet got his tail close crop’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">By stroking planet Venus.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Now where d’ye think when last you peep’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">This Comet was a posting,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When he had lost his fiery tail,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Left Venus orbit roasting;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Why? to the planet Mercury,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To state his woeful case, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And rubbing in his recipe,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">His nose dropt off his face, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">It seems this Comet oft was seen,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">With Venus cutting capers,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And Mars had heard his damag’d tail</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Emitted noxious vapours;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So off he went to Jupiter,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">About his wife’s ellipsis,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For he didn’t like to see her have</div> - <div class="verse indent2">So many strange eclipses.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_101"></a>[101]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">How came, quoth Jupiter to Mars,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Fair Venus out of order,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For I suspect ’twas you old boy</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Who gave her this disorder;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It may be so, said planet Mars,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To Jupiter, his king, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For I’ve been in the milky way,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And Saturn’s filthy ring, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">This Comet crop’d hangs o’er our heads,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">I wish he’d travel faster,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For in his course eccentrical,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">He dealeth dire disaster;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Pale Luna’s got the clap of him,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Bright Sol’s reflecting mopsey,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With water too, he’s fill’d our earth,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And given her the dropsy.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Piss M⸺k, B⸺m, both M. D. D.</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Ascend by a balloon, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The first, the Comet has call’d in,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The last attends the Moon, sir;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Humbug B. cures her clap,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And Humbug M. gratis,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Undertakes the Comet’s case,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A dreadful Diabetes.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_102"></a>[102]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Now if I’m wrong, sirs, set me right,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Banks, Herschell, Loft, and Walkers,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">All you who of cropt Comets are,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The astronomic talkers;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Go tell the town I’m nebulous,</div> - <div class="verse indent2"><i>Word</i> “<i>caviare</i> to the million,”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Swear radiant Phœbus Cromwell cropt,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The Comet’s perehelion.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Enquirers into nature say,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">That bucks, when rutting’s over,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Inter their old-tails in the park,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And new ones soon discover;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The Comet and the buck alike,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">With new tails bound and jump, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">While old <span class="smcap">Duke Q.</span>, not I or you,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Wags on with his old stump, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">This Comet, timid people talk,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Forebodes a revolution,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A total change and overthrow</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Of Britain’s constitution;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But still I think we’ve nought to fear,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Tho’ enemies divide us,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Our leading light of freedom is,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The steady <span class="smcap">Georgium Sidus</span>.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_103"></a>[103]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><span class="smaller">THE</span><br /> -ACTRESSES.</h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">When Momus, laughter-loving boy,</div> - <div class="verse indent2"><span class="smcap">Thalia</span> fill’d with pleasure,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">At one home stroke, spring tides of joy</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Swept off the virgin treasure:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The stroke gave birth to nature’s child,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A child, like fortune fickle;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So Momus laugh’d, Thalia smil’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And out pop’d little Pickle!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">When Pickle came to London town,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Plain truth confirm’d this rumour,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A naval duke, of high renown,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Fell in with Pickle’s humour;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For <i>art</i> had lost the pow’r to charm.</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Which wakes the passions sleeping,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So He, to quiet love’s alarm,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Took—<i>nature</i> into keeping.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_104"></a>[104]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Pickle’s rise gave birth to gall,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">She scarcely was respected,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The green-room seem’d a surgeon’s hall,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Her body there dissected;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Tho’, both were sore, she had two eyes,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Said <i>envy’s</i> bitter daughter,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And while she prais’d her legs and thighs,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">On c—t she threw cold water.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Syren C⸺h, of luscious look,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Envied Pickle’s belly,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Tho’ she hugg’d a <span class="smcap">Cornish duke</span>,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And her <i>bravura</i> K—y;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Thus do dukes and dollys meet,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Ye, Gods, how chaste this age is,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When horned husbands, in the <i>suite</i>,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Attend their wives as pages.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Lovely, lively, young, and fair,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">M—a may-day blooming,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Skin as sleek as racing mare,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Just after finish’d grooming;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">See her fashion, style, and grace,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Hear Polly Peachum warble,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And if your tears don’t wash your face,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Your heart’s a block of marble.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_105"></a>[105]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">I hate the gothic stately pile,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The comic, tragic, ruin,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Give me the new, not the old style,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Some work of modern doing;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Miss C⸺f⸺d and Miss Ab⸺n,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Both sock and buskin bred, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">What would I give, I blush to own,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">For both their maidenheads, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Whither is S⸺e fled?</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And where’s her cock of wax gone?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who us’d to rear his crested head</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Within her curly caxon!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When Jew Braham’s cabbage came,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">She quitted Drury’s station,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To enjoy (was she to blame)</div> - <div class="verse indent2"><i>The early vegetation</i>!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Becky W⸺s, who went to pot,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">From burton ale and brandy,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Fonder was of Tippy Top,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Than children’s sugar candy;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No more the cut of Tippy’s frock,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">No more his strut invites her,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Tis now the cut of Israel’s cock</div> - <div class="verse indent2">That comforts and delights her.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_106"></a>[106]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Still Mother M⸺r’s virtues mark;</div> - <div class="verse indent2">She lives in chaste condition,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With her hautboy puffing P—k,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Who plays for his admission;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Most titled things I’ve heard her say,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Are dry b—s next-door neighbours,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Before such husky pipes can play,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Their bums are bang’d like tabors.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Jordan laughs at gibes and jeers,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">At envy, spite, and spleen, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And says, to mortify their ears,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“Ecod, I may be queen, sir;”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Her keeper, too, keeps up the farce,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Whose love of Jordan such is,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He bids her foes to kiss her a—e,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">For he’s made her c—t a Duchess.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Long in love’s hammock may they swing,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Health, wealth, and peace abounding,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With all the bliss that life can bring,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To swell the scene surrounding;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So fill a bumper, ’tis the debt</div> - <div class="verse indent2">That’s due from loyal freemen,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Here’s may the press between ’em get</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A crew of gallant seamen.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_107"></a>[107]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><span class="smaller">THE</span><br /> -CROP.</h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Dear ladies attend to the song,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Of a <span class="smcap">Crop</span> in the prime of gay life,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Young, healthy, and wealthy, and strong,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And languishing for a fond wife.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Crop’s determin’d to marry,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He’s tir’d of a bachelor’s round,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Crop wants a comely clean woman,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With some dirty acres of ground.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">A bachelor wild <span class="smcap">Crop</span> has been,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">But variety’s charms he’ll forsake,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And constancy, maids, will be seen,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To follow the reign of the rake.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Your suitor for conjugal rites,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Promises, maids, to his praise,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To crown, with affection, your nights,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">With mirth and good humour your days.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_108"></a>[108]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Says Lydia, with love-looking eye,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Vow and promise you bachelors can,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But sure, till his virtues she try,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">No maid should decide on her man.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The language of Spintext let’s cite,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">’Tis take him for better or worse,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">His heart, girls, you’ll find is as light,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Aye! light as a transparent purse.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">But <i>Crop’s</i> an estate in the fens,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Deeply dipp’d in the water we hear,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For his steward the reck’ning sends,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And it brings him in nothing a year.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">To a widow, some say, he is sold,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Who keeps in the Borough a shop,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">As she kill’d her first <span class="smcap">deary</span>, behold!</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A beautiful prospect for Crop.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">In an old maid’s affection’s <span class="smcap">Crop’s</span> place;</div> - <div class="verse indent2">But he ne’er will be married, we hope,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To one in whose frost-bitten face</div> - <div class="verse indent2">There’s ruin in razors and soap.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Gods! give Crop the girl kind and fair,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Of feminine manners and grace,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Whose skin is not cover’d with <i>hair</i>,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To kiss without scrubbing his face.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_109"></a>[109]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Crop once lov’d a boarding-school gig,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">All his letters she stitch’d in her stays,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Which made little Tittup look big</div> - <div class="verse indent2">With vows, protestations, and praise.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">If, present, there be such a lass,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And tho’ but one <i>chemise</i> to her back,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’ll take her to Gretna’s green grass,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">On swift Pegasus poet’s old hack.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The life that is merry and short,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Crop’s reason and passions approve,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A life of all lives, ’tis the sort</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To give life to the woman we love.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent4">So Crop’s determin’d to marry,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">He’s tir’d of a dull single life,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">He’ll not die an old bachelor,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">If he can get a young wife.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_110"></a>[110]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><span class="smaller">THE</span><br /> -WHIRLIGIG WORLD.</h2> - -<p class="center">This song is the joint production of Col. Kirkpatrick -and Mr. Hewerdine.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">A fig for the cares of this Whirligig World,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Shall still be my maxim wherever I’m twirl’d;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">From the spring of my youth, to the autumn of life,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It has cheer’d me and whisk’d me through trouble and strife.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So this is my maxim wherever I’m twirl’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A fig for the cares of this whirligig world.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">It has taught me to rise to the summit of ease,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">By simply submitting to fortune’s degrees;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_111"></a>[111]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Thus I’m rich without pelf, for content is true wealth,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And the best <i>vade mecum</i> in sickness and health.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Just as full of defects as the rest of my kind,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Give and take” is my measure, for specks in the mind;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For who in another shou’d pry for a spot,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When he knows, in his heart, he has blot upon blot.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Mankind I contemplate as Heaven’s great work,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Whether Christian or Jew, Pagan, Gentoo or Turk;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In a nutshell the creed of my conscience will lie,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To others I do, as I wou’d be done by.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">’Gainst chill poverty yet, I have ne’er set my face,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For I hope all my heart’s a benevolent place;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_112"></a>[112]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">A friend in distress my tobacco shall quaff,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And while I’ve a guinea, he’s welcome to half.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">From the Court to the Change as I skim o’er each phiz,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of the sharp, flat, and blood, natty crop, kiddy quiz;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I read as I walk, without study or plan,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The cunning, the weakness, and folly of man.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Yet my spleen never kicks at the whims that it meets,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For in oddity’s circle each gig a gig greets;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So I laugh and grow fat at the figures I see,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And they’re welcome to fatten by laughing at me.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Of the virtue and zeal of the ins and the outs,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">After many years musing I’ve clear’d up all doubts;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_113"></a>[113]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">The outs wou’d get in, if the ins wou’d get out,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And I think it but fair they shou’d take spell about.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">All fanatic dispute and sophistical rant</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I leave to the crafty professors of cant;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Content if my course from the day-break of youth,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Has steer’d by the rudder and compass of truth.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Fast wedlock I frankly confess not my whim;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Nay, the man, who best marries, I envy not him;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I love the soft sex, and I know, to my cost,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">My love has not always been love’s labour lost.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Light, in freight, as a cutter return’d from a cruize,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Finding little to gain, having little to lose;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_114"></a>[114]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">My anchor is cast, and my sails are all furl’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So a fig for the cares of this Whirligig World.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_115"></a>[115]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><span class="smaller">THE</span><br /> -ZODIAC.</h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The signs of the Zodiac, learned men say,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Are confin’d to the regions above,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And none yet imagin’d they serve to display</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The tokens terrestrial of love;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But my muse, ever merry, will sing to explain,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Tho’ learning look grave and austere,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">We cherish the whim of each whirligig brain,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Starch’d gravity enters not here.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Sign Aries, then maids, is your ram or lew’d tup,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A rich pond’rous bag ’twixt his legs,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With juicy-joy pregnant, and closely tied up,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Is the essence of oysters and eggs;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_116"></a>[116]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">In figure ’tis Cupid with arrow and bow,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Sagittarius, that archer divine,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Letting fly at the target of yielding Virgo,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To prick <i>rouge</i> virginity’s sign.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">By twin bubbies, sign Gemini’s amply express’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">In a maiden just leaning to man,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The ripe blooming fruit of the firm heaving breast,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The flame of love’s passion doth fan;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When exhausted in raptures, how charming to lie</div> - <div class="verse indent2">’Twixt love’s hillocks, gay mortals delight,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Feel the heave, hear the sigh, mark the languishing eye,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Which the <i>Signum Salutis</i> invite.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Sign Scorpio, no doubt, is an evil that fled</div> - <div class="verse indent2">From Pandora’s combustible box,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A sign you may tell by the tail or the head</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Of that hell-born disease call’d the pox.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_117"></a>[117]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Sign Cancer’s the cod-clinging crab we all know,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And wifely clings he; for you’ll find</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He’s ever in danger, above or below,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Of destruction by water or wind.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Sign Capricorn goatish old Q. doth denote,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Or them who of lust strongly smell,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Teaze, fumble and feel, drivel, dangle, and doat,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">On the bawd, or the old batter’d belle;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Sign Pisces too plainly refers to the thing</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Sweet and clean, kept by laudable art,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But the <i>bidet</i> neglected, we wind the old ling,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And turn from the fishified part.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Sign Taurus alludes to Old English beef-steaks;</div> - <div class="verse indent2">For this cabbaging, love-feeding food,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Gives vigour to age, is a bracer of rakes,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And enriches the brain and the blood;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">This Taurus may mean too, the lusty big Pat,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Who bellows about London streets,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">whose nose is eternally smelling old hat,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And who mounts ev’ry cow that he meets.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_118"></a>[118]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Sign Libra’s the balance that ought to prevail,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">In an act we delight to enjoy,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For a feather we’re told will turn nature’s near scale,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">When we bob for a girl or a boy;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Aquarius appears as the word doth instruct,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">An object, who once was a man,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">An Italian castrato’s cut-down aqueduct,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A mere spout for a watering pan.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Brave Leo the lion’s our national sign,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Where foreigners come for good fare,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">True freedom, true friendship, good humour, good wine,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">We hope they will ever find here;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Our houses alone are the Garter and Star,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Jolly Bacchus the sign of the tun,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Where Venus receives us with smiles at the bar,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To fill up life’s measure of fun.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">But the sign of all signs, good and truly divine,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Is a bumper of heart-cheering generous wine.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_119"></a>[119]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">IRISH EXTRAVAGANCE,<br /> -<span class="smaller">AND</span><br /> -SCOTCH ŒCONOMY.</h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">An Irishman and Scottishman,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Both full of fun and brogue;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Sly Sawney—for a saving plan,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Big Pat—a spending rogue:</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Together, arm in arm, they hied,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">From Pall-Mall to the City;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When in a shop by chance they spied</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A damsel wond’rous pretty.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“By heavens!” Pat exclaim’d in love,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“In that fair form I trace</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“A charming pattern from above,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“Of Angel shape and face.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">While thro’ the window-glass he star’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Struck dumb with admiration,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Sawney, too, the rapture shar’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Of love’s fond inclination.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_120"></a>[120]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Long Paddy then did feast his eyes</div> - <div class="verse indent2">On this—the first of belles,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“I’ll go into her shop,” he cries,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“And buy whate’er she sells.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“Two yards of ribbon black, I’ll buy,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“And speak to the dear creature,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Perhaps,” said he, to Sawney, sly,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“The maid will let me meet her.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“<i>Ha’d your hand</i>,” said Sawney, “do,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“What need of such expence,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Into the shop we both may go</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“With this right good pretence:</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“Save your penny while you live,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“The lass looks kind and willing;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Let’s ask her, civilly, to give</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“<i>Twa Tizzys</i><a id="FNanchor_2" href="#Footnote_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a> for a <i>shilling</i>.”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnotes"> -<div class="footnote"> -<p><a id="Footnote_2" href="#FNanchor_2" class="label">[2]</a> A cant term for Sixpences.</p> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_121"></a>[121]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><span class="smaller">AN</span><br /> -EXTRAORDINARY FISH.</h2> - -<p>This animal (says the learned Zoologist, Mr. -Pennant) was esteemed a delicacy by the antients, -and is eaten, at present, by the Italians; Rondelius -gives us two receipts for the dressing, which may be -continued to this day; Athenæus also leaves us the -method of making an antique cuttle-fish sausage; -and we learn from Aristotle, that those animals are -in the highest perfection when pregnant.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Attend wives and widows, and daughters, dear creatures,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To hear of a fish caught off Anglesea Isle,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Be silent, compose all your muscles and features,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Friends and neighbours around who love time to beguile;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Saint Peter took most sorts of fish in his net, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Like so many hooks were his fingers and toes,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But Peter ne’er caught, I wou’d lay any bet, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A fish with one eye, bushy tail, and red nose.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_122"></a>[122]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">This fish lately found, from the top to the bottom,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Of inches, then measur’d a full half a score,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Girls swallow’d ’em faster than fishermen got ’em,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Yet ne’er were so cloy’d, but they still long’d for more;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Tis just at low water when crabs are seen crawling,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">For shelter beneath heavy tang-cover’d stones,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That girls from all quarters come eagerly calling</div> - <div class="verse indent2">For fish full of gristle, hard roes, and no bones.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">At the gills of this creature you’ll see them all peeping,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And if as sick damsels they’re livid and pale,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">They’ll tell you these fish are no better for keeping,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Like lobsters long caught, they’ve no spring in the tail;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_123"></a>[123]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">But when fresh and frisky, maids, trout-like, will tickle ’em,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Till in the net of Dame Nature they go,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Where shou’d wanton women e’er take ’em and pickle ’em,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The curing’s a pain and expence we all know.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Two fam’d learned sages, both birds of a feather,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">This odd fish to see, left their pigs, plants, and land,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And tho’ they both clubb’d their wise noddles together,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The devil a one did the fish understand;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Yes, M⸺by and B⸺s, who so solemn and grave is,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Knew not, till <span class="smcap">Pat</span> told ’em, from whence the fish came,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Tis Ireland that boasts it, their sea-<i>rara avis</i>,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Caught wild in a net, and by stroking made tame.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_124"></a>[124]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Star-gazing H⸺l, a knowing old fellow,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">As e’er peep’d at bodies above or below,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">This man o’-the moon, by strong stingo made mellow,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Thro’ glass microscopic can miracles show;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He call’d it a satellite of Venus centre,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">That ⸺ had seen by command of the ⸺,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And that Mercury into its system would enter,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">If e’er it were station’d in Saturn’s foul ring.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The B⸺ of King’s place, call’d old wicked-eye’d W⸺,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Who lives upon gudgeons, young ling, and crimp’d cod,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When she saw these odd fish, she took hold of their fins, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And stole off, unnotic’d, two dozen and odd;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_125"></a>[125]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">For the fish-kettle Windsor had long in possession,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">In spite of two leaks, as <span class="smcap">Tars</span> say, fore and aft,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’m sure ’twou’d have held, (pray excuse my digression)</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The whole of Saint Peter’s miraculous draft.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The news of this fish reach’d ⸺, a bishop,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">His chaplain, obedient, was posted away,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And brought from the ferry this odd-looking fish up,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Bound down with a cord in a butcher’s big tray;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When the female fat cooky, of flesh and blood frail, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Took hold of its gills to the ⸺ surprise,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It, Kangaroo like, took a spring from its tail, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And stuck itself fast ’twixt the cooky’s round thighs.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_126"></a>[126]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Away, in a fright, flew the ⸺ and ladies,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The folks in the kitchen were put to the rout,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“’Tis the devil,” said ⸺, “and as preaching your trade is,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“Do, good Mister Chaplin, exorcise the scout;”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Said the Chaplin, “Indeed ⸺, begging your pardon,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“Such doctrine is rash, and to danger may tend,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“For why would your ⸺ wish to bear hard on on</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“The devil, who always has been our best friend!”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Lord ⸺, large man, whom the women well know, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Examin’d this fish from the root to the snout,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With both hands was seen to take hold of it so, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To keep it from hopping and skipping about;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_127"></a>[127]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">“Faith it is a large fish,” said the ⸺ in lewd plight, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“I ne’er in my life saw its fellow before,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Pull out,” said a friend, “all the ladies’ delight, sir,”</div> - <div class="verse indent2">He did, and exhibited two inches more.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Girls, take my advice; let this odd fish before you</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Be first skinn’d alive, and then dress’d to your taste,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">As a standing dish dainty, dear souls, I implore you,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Take in all you can, but let none run to waste;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Old Jonah, who lay in the whale’s blubber’d belly,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Came out weak and feeble, went in strong and stout,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So into your bellies, this fish, need I tell ye,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">As stoutly goes in, as he feebly slips out.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_128"></a>[128]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">LLANDISILIO HOTEL,<br /> -<span class="smaller">SOUTH WALES.</span></h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Fam’d ancient South Britain gave birth</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To the story my muse means to tell,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Hear it, neighbours, who live on this earth,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And in snug habitations do dwell;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A parson, his wife, son, and Jew,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Drove in by disastrous weather,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A poet pedestrian too,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Pig’d in a mud hut all together.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">To supper the quizzes sat down,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The parson eat rabbits, sans legs,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The poet mus’d over bread brown,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The Jew bolted bacon and eggs;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Hot and new from the tub came their ale,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">As to spirits they’d none but their own,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Yet each man told his mirth-moving tale,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And the parson’s wife sung <i>Bobbing Joan</i>.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_129"></a>[129]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">A cradle constructed of wood,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Was prepar’d for the poet to rest,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When the man of mosaical blood</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Petition’d to have half the nest;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But Smouch was no chum to his mind,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">So the poet said “Smouch, d’ye see,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Two cocks of a different kind</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“In the same roost can never agree.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">First the parson’s wife got into bed,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And close to the wall plac’d her side,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then the parson, by jealousy led,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Laid his hand o’er the quim of his bride;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But fearing a cross o’ the breed,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The son kept apart th’ unbeliever,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Lest the tube which pass’d Abraham’s seed,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Shou’d enter his <span class="smcap">mother’s</span> receiver.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Now it seems in the dead of the night,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The parson libidinous grew,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So he nudg’d his fond wife to lie right,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">That he might have a family screw;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">First having before meat said grace,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">He fell too with an appetite craving,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Soon he wriggl’d the Jew from his place,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And bare-bum’d on the floor laid him raving.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_130"></a>[130]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“By the coming Messiah,” said Smouch,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“What is all this disturbance about?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“As I was asleep in my couch,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“For what reason I was now kick’d out?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Master Parson, pray how cou’d you rob</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“A poor pedlar of rest and repose?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“You knew there won’t room for the job,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“Yet must do it plump under my nose.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Tag, the Poet, heard all that had pass’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Found the Parson was winding his clock,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">There lay he like a sheep when ’tis cast,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">While with laughter his cradle did rock;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Have you broke,” said he, “Smouchy, your bones?</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“Do you oft get such damnable knocks?”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“No,” said Smouch, “but the case for my stones</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“Is very much <i>pruised</i> by my <i>pox</i>.<a id="FNanchor_3" href="#Footnote_3" class="fnanchor">[3]</a>”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">When for room roar’d out Moses in vain,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">All the family sham’d fast asleep,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So up the starv’d Jew got again,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And took thro’ the bed-curtains a peep;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_131"></a>[131]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">The Parson was on his gray mare,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Smouch saw his a—e nod, wag, and waddle,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Master Parson,” said he, “have a care,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“Or, by G-d, you’ll be thrown off the “saddle.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">While the Parson did Scripture fulfil,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">For his text was increase, multiply,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The Poet lay silent and still,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Full of vigour, and ready to fly;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then his line Alexandrin of love</div> - <div class="verse indent2">He put into his hostess’s hand,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Which she willingly straight did remove</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To the spot where ’twas properly scan’d.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">By swarms of black jumpers, call’d fleas,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">All this party were damnably bit,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The priest’s shirt, and his wife’s clean chemise,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The filthy black jumpers b-s—t;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And pending the Parson’s embrace,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Till the critical minute had come,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The fleas were not shook from their place,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Till they’d taken blood tythe of his bum.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_132"></a>[132]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Aurora, at dawning of day,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Peep’d into the mansion of mud,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Asses set up their ominous bray,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Ducks and geese quack’d and cackl’d for food;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The cock crow’d and treaded the hen,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The boar got a-back of the sow,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Lewd goats shag’d again and again,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And the bull stuck it into the cow.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Then the Jew, with his box, did depart,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And the Poet took leave of his crib,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But the Parson, unwilling to start,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Took another sly st—ke at his rib;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">If you think, then, my tale worth a toast,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">As we’ve here no parsonical prig,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’ll bumper life’s pleasure, and boast</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The Parson, his wife, the goat’s fig.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnotes"> -<div class="footnote"> -<p><a id="Footnote_3" href="#FNanchor_3" class="label">[3]</a> The box he carried was half pushed under the bed, -on the corner of which he fell.</p> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_133"></a>[133]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><span class="smaller">THE</span><br /> -B⸺’s BUGBEAR.</h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">A proud pamper’d P⸺e, to hypocrites dear,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With an income, from tythes, of twelve thousand a year,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Hath furnish’d the nation with novel alarms,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Bout the legs of the French, for he fears not their arms;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He tells us he’s heard, tho’ he’s not seen the truth,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That the minds of our <i>modest ingenuous</i> youth</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Are debauch’d by French dancers, who riot young blood</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With the sight of that <i>niche</i>, wherein B⸺s have stood.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_134"></a>[134]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">But how came a B⸺p, ’bove all men, to know</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That dancers teetotum themselves on the toe?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Was he seated, disguis’d, in the front of the stage,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To peep at what put his priestcraft in a rage?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No! his female observer went oft to the play,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And told him th’ effect of this am’rous display,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In language so glowing, that D⸺m, amaz’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Beheld from his belly the dead she had rais’d.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">At his time of life, and grim death near at hand,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Twas vicious enough, in his crozier to stand,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So thought the still husband, but not so the w—e,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For she yet had a taste for the <i>arbor</i> of life;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_135"></a>[135]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Cock-sure of a taste when she told the lewd tale</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of Parisot’s pranks, which prov’d piety frail,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To rouse thus the tail of a head of the c⸺h,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Were better than <i>banging</i> the bottom <i>with Birch</i>!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Now the B⸺p, in senate, his brethren met,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To discuss this affair, youthful morals beset,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He said, “the five daring Directors of France</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Smuggl’d treason in hornpipe and country-dance;”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But he told not their Lordships, for decency sake,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That Parisot’s postures had made him a rake,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That his old <i>’piscopari</i> up frisky and fresh,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A translation had had to the lust of the flesh.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_136"></a>[136]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">But Parisot sets up a scriptural plea,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For showing what B⸺s would willingly see!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She proves that King David—(libidinous spark,)</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Danc’d naked to all sorts of tunes ’fore the ark;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And when Michal, Saul’s daughter, saw Majesty’s part,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">From her window, (’tis said) it revolted her heart;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Tho’ she frown’d at the Monarch, she smil’d at the farce,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A King cutting capers, <i>sans</i> robes to his a—e.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Nay, didn’t King David, proud p⸺e, I pray,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Spy Bathsheba’s bum on a sun-shiny day?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And has Parisot, yet, to so vile a pass come,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">As to shew our King, what! what! her uncover’d bum?</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_137"></a>[137]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Has K⸺n, <i>crim. con. ’em</i>, (chaste man o’-the law,)</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Heard she cocks up one leg, and exhibits her <i>flaw</i>?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Let her cock up one leg as she stands, quoth old Q.,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When she’s down to please me, she must cock up her two.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">T⸺w growl’d, knit his brows, bit his lip in a rage,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When he heard of the B⸺s reforming the stage</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Old D⸺m,” he cried, “poh! poh! stick to your shop,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“And mind not how foreigners jump, skip, or hop;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“I know ye all, d—n ye! not one of your Bench</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Would privately turn from a plump naked wench,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“You go to the play slyly, see what you’ve <i>felt</i>,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“If you like it not, b—st ye! go home and be gelt!”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_138"></a>[138]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><i>Charge to the C⸺y.</i></h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Then practice, ye drivelling drones, as you’ve preach’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Pray what’s it to you—how a dancer is breech’d?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">On the fate of the Pope, pause, and awfully think,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And your mitres will totter, your lawn-sleeves will shrink;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For on beauty and symmetry fancy will feast,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To vigour of body they give mental zest,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Let Parisot’s petticoats beauties disclose,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Ne’er take up such ticklish subjects as those.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_139"></a>[139]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">BANKING.</h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Come, I’m prompt for a song on demand,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Of the <span class="smcap">Bankers</span> and <span class="smcap">Banks</span> of our nation;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’ll relate how they fall, how they stand,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Their origin from the creation;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">This Banking’s no new-fashion’d trade,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">For Eve, that libidinous madam,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The moment she ceas’d to be maid,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Kept a running account with old <i>Adam</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">So the first of all Bankers and Banks,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">In the garden of Eden began,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When Belzebub play’d his lewd pranks,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And effected the downfall of man;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Disguis’d as a serpent he flew,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To Eve’s Bank, a large payment consign’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But, answering the draft when ’twas due,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">She damn’d Adam, herself, and mankind.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_140"></a>[140]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Pudenda</i>—receiver, cashier,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Always acts upon credit and honor,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And keeps her accounts just and clear,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Of the long and short dates drawn upon her;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Now as Bills of Exchequer must go,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To make paper currency stand,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When her customer’s credits run low,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">She takes their affairs in her hand.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">Peter Pego</span>’s the entering clerk,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">In this house performs principal duty,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He rises as soon as the lark,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And esteem’d is for vigour and beauty;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">His out-door assistant is cod,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Who wakes him whenever he’s drowsy,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He wears his own hair, and, what’s odd,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Was never yet known to be lousy.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">These Banks, alike, pay and receive</div> - <div class="verse indent2">In metal, not bankrupt sign paper,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And payment ne’er stop’d, (I believe,)</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Tho’ oft their finances run taper;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">They think flimsy paper a hum,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">So Pego and Company scout it,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But their neighbour, next door, <i>Master Bum</i>,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Can’t carry on business without it.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_141"></a>[141]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">’Tis a wonder this Bank isn’t crush’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">From the numberless drafts it doth take in,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Yet oft as it hath been hard push’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">It ne’er was in danger of breaking;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Art and nature supply such a store,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Of resources for raising the wind,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That, whenever ’tis close press’d before,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">’Tis sure of <i>relief</i> from <i>behind</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Mother Bank has declar’d, since her fall,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">That the Ministry forc’d her to stop,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Still she’s bullion enough for ’em all</div> - <div class="verse indent2">If they’ll let her re-open her shop;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No, they keep fast the key, we perceive,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Of the padlock they’ve clap’d on her door,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So the lady can’t piss without leave,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Nor squat, nor get f⸺d as before.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">A bill drawn, presented, accepted,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And not paid when due, “as above,”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Is noted, protested, rejected,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A dry bob in commerce and love;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_142"></a>[142]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">A short thing’s—no assets in hand,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A long one’s—an over-drawn note,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A discount’s—a f—g at a stand,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">An indorser’s—a b—g—r a-float.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_143"></a>[143]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">POLITICAL.</h2> - -<p class="center">Tune, <i>The Vicar of Bray</i>.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">When liberty, serenely bright,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Her beams resplendent darted,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">O’er this fam’d land, the sacred light,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Its genial power imparted;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then thickest clouds, that veil’d her rays,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">By liberty were driven,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And Britons saw, in William blaze,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The patriot flame from heav’n.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Britons, revere! with hearts elate,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">The glorious revolution,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">That firmly fix’d in church and state,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Your heaven-born constitution.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Fair freedom’s temple tyrant James,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">With scepter’d sway invaded,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And conscience with her honest claims,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">He scouted and degraded;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_144"></a>[144]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">But freedom rous’d, her legions led,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And William monarch seated,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then superstition hid her head,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And faction was defeated.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">On Fame’s unfading record stand,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Immortal made by story,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Illustrious worthies of our land,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Proud martyrs to its glory;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">They bravely fought against all laws,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">That dare fair freedom fetter,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The constitution was their cause,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The spirit and the letter.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Could Athens, Greece, or Rome, so fam’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Can one surviving nation,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A compact boast, so wisely fram’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">For freedom’s preservation?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Ah, No! but Britons, brave as free,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Wou’d all rejoice to find, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Their own dear rights of liberty</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Secur’d to all mankind, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_145"></a>[145]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The system of our club shall be,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To guard what we inherit,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The sacred dome of liberty,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">With firmness, strength, and spirit;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And let the plund’ring patriots know,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Who ’gainst our rights contend, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That he is freedom’s fatal foe,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Who is not George’s friend, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_146"></a>[146]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">POLITICAL,<br /> -<span class="smaller smcap">Written for a Club in the Country.</span></h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">I’m a plain, homely, man, and now take up my pen, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">To counteract the tenets of Paine’s “Rights of Men,” sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Free and happy I enjoy the harvest of my labours,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And never interfere, but to comfort needy neighbours.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">CHORUS—Row, row, row,</div> - <div class="verse indent12">I’m for peace and quietness,</div> - <div class="verse indent12">Not row, row.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">I cherish and retain still each old-fashion’d notion,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Of order, freedom, property, security, devotion;</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_147"></a>[147]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">I’d rather have our king, than Tom Paine the lord protector,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And I’ll combat, with my life, ev’ry plund’ring projector.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Then attend, daring schemers, involv’d in disputation,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Each with plans in your pockets, to renovate the nation,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’ll oppose to brilliant wit, art, cunning, and sagacity,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Experience the store of my humble mean capacity.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Liberty we have, tho’ some say it’s farce and fiction,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It’s by law well secur’d, and confirm’d in restriction,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Thus guarded, we are safe from disorder and delusion,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The dogmas of demagogues, and sans-culotte confusion.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_148"></a>[148]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Our property’s defence is the law long enacted,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And sacred to it, our obedience is exacted,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Each social gradation, by which we stand or fall, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Is wisely ordain’d for the welfare of all, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Virtue, innocence, integrity, I know are protected,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Audacity and crime are punish’d when detected,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">True freedom gave the pow’r, in hatred and aversion,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To tyranny in all its forms, excesses, and coercion.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">My religion’s purely christian, the law’s establish’d church, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And I never wish to see alma mater in the lurch, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’d leave to all dissenters what wisdom left before, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For, give them all they ask, restless souls, they’d still ask more, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_149"></a>[149]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Our compact’s a stranger to violent extremes, sir;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">’Tis wisdom and temp’rance; with mildness it teems, sir:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But as old father Time no edifice ere spared, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In due season, when it wants it, let the structure be repair’d, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">I worship no idol when I say that I’m devoted,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To this fabric of Britons, admir’d, esteem’d, and noted;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The blood in these young veins I’d spill in its defence, sir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And my wish is, May it firmly stand for centuries hence, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_150"></a>[150]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">POLITICAL,<br /> -<i>Written in the Reign of Robespierre</i>.</h2> - -<p class="center">Tune, <i>The Roast Beef of Old England</i>.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">When the honor of Briton imperiously calls</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For her cannons’ loud thunder and death-dealing balls,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Hear Victory shout from her fam’d wooden walls.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">The King and Old England for ever,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">True liberty, order, and law.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Shall we who for ages have freedom defended,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With jacobin ruffians and cut-throats be blended;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Kiss, embrace, and shake hands with the devil’s intended?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_151"></a>[151]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">See Gallia polluted with crimes past all counting,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of mercy and justice dried up is the fountain,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">There Virtue’s a mole-hill, and Vice is a mountain.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Religion abandon’d, morality dead,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Worth, honor, and honesty, from the land fled,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And eternity term’d only going to bed.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Shall we follow France in each social band-breaking,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Eat bread bad and black of old Belzebub’s baking,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And sleep on French litter all quiv’ring and shaking?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">No, we’ve bread white and good, and fam’d English roast-beef,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">On the beds we repose, Nature finds sound relief,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Such comforts deserve not each jacobin thief.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_152"></a>[152]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">’Tis French Anarchy’s plan all the world to subdue,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">O’er each fair peaceful land blood and bodies to strew,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">If you don’t conquer them, John, by G—d they will you.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">May the sharp sword of justice then fatally strike,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And each jacobin’s head be transferr’d to his pike,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Such Gallic equality John Bull would like.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">To our brothers in arms for fair freedom’s cause fighting,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And each hero of honour and spirit uniting,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">True to their King, in their Country delighting.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">The Glory and Laurels of War.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_153"></a>[153]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">CONSTITUTIONAL SONG<br /> -<span class="smaller">OF THE</span><br /> -“VIVE LE ROI CLUB!”</h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">When the radiant rob’d Goddess of liberty shed</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Her influence divine o’er our isle,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">From her power omnipotent—tyranny fled,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And Britannia, <i>long griev’d</i>, wore a smile.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse stanz">CHORUS.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Vive le Roi, Huzza, Huzza, Vive le Roi!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The <i>soldier</i>, the <i>sailor</i>, the <i>people</i>, impell’d</div> - <div class="verse indent2">By freedom’s celestial flame,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">King William enthron’d, in whose worth was beheld</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Each virtue true freedom cou’d claim:</div> - <div class="verse indent24">Vive le Roi, &c.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_154"></a>[154]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The vet’ran high soaring on Victory’s wing,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Whose motto is “Conquer or Die!”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To meet the reward of his country and king,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">On Hope’s full-plum’d pinion shall fly.</div> - <div class="verse indent24">Vive le Roi, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Ne’er shall lawless ambition maintain its career,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Nor shall faction with freedom contend;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For the rights of the Crown we, as <span class="smcap">Freemen</span>, revere,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And as <span class="smcap">Britons</span> are bound to defend.</div> - <div class="verse indent24">Vive le Roi, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Tho’ foes to the Crown, our mild Monarch’s fair fame</div> - <div class="verse indent2">May with envy envenom’d decry;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Yet, such poisonous darts of detraction’s foul aim,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Both his courage and virtue defy.</div> - <div class="verse indent24">Vive le Roi, &c.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_155"></a>[155]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Each heart then, enliven’d by loyalty’s cause,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Push the soul-stirring wine swiftly round;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Exclaim in a volley of joy and applause,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">For the nation re-echoes the sound.</div> - <div class="verse indent24">Vive le Roi, &c.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_156"></a>[156]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak"><i>LADY H⸺ to Mrs. P⸺.</i></h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Said old Lady H⸺, once a blooming young wench,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">But whose head’s now adorn’d with gray hairs,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“I admire the great comfort and taste which the French</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Combine in their fashion of chairs;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For English, our frames are both simple and neat;</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Yet the French in past times were so puff’d,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That our <i>bottoms</i> were never consider’d complete,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Until sent o’er to France <i>to be stuff’d</i>.”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_157"></a>[157]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">LINES</h2> - -<p class="hanging"><i>Written at <span class="smcap">Beaumaris, North Wales,</span> -on a <span class="smcap">JAILOR’s DAUGHTER</span>, distinguished -for her Beauty.</i></p> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Cupid, thou gay and mighty God,</div> - <div class="verse indent2"><span class="smcap">Summon</span> all thy magic pow’r,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And in the arms of <span class="smcap">Kitty Quod</span>,</div> - <div class="verse indent2"><span class="smcap">Lock</span> me for one happy hour.</div> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">Fetter’d</span> is my <span class="smcap">vagrant</span> heart,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">By her <span class="smcap">captivating</span> face;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Haste, thou God of am’rous dart,</div> - <div class="verse indent2"><span class="smcap">Fix</span> her in my fond embrace.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Cupid’s decree was thus reported:</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Kitty and you shall be <span class="smcap">transported</span>.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_158"></a>[158]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">BOBBY BIRCH’s EPIGRAM,</h2> - -<p class="hanging"><i>On the Westminster Boys damning “The -Westminster Boy,” a Farce, by Edward -Topham, Esq. Author of “The Fool,” -and several other Things, produced for the -Benefit of Mrs. Wells.</i></p> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Shrink from satire, O shame! what, shall Westminster school</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Stand in awe of that pen which gave birth to “The Fool?”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Is’t liberal, rude boys, thus by anticipation,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Untry’d, to consign any piece to damnation?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Oh! had <span class="smcap">Busby</span> been living, for damning of farces,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’ll be damn’d if he wou’d not have tickl’d your ⸺.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HILARIA. 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