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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c7b60ec --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #68147 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/68147) diff --git a/old/68147-0.txt b/old/68147-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index e213b38..0000000 --- a/old/68147-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,864 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Please pass the cream, by Charles -Nevers Holmes - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Please pass the cream - A comedy - -Author: Charles Nevers Holmes - -Release Date: May 21, 2022 [eBook #68147] - -Language: English - -Produced by: Charlene Taylor, David E. Brown, and the Online Distributed - Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was - produced from images generously made available by The - Internet Archive) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PLEASE PASS THE CREAM *** - - - - - - PLEASE PASS THE CREAM - - A COMEDY - - - BY - CHARLES NEVERS HOLMES - - AUTHOR OF - _“Their First Quarrel” and “Smith’s Unlucky Day.”_ - - [Illustration] - - CHICAGO - T. S. DENISON & COMPANY - PUBLISHERS - - - - -PLEASE PASS THE CREAM - - - MR. JOHN CLARK _A “Self-Made” Man_ - MRS. JOHN CLARK _A Former Schoolma’am_ - - PLACE--_Anywhere_. - - TIME--_Breakfast_. - - TIME OF PLAYING--_Twenty Minutes_. - - -COSTUMES. - - MR. CLARK--_Breakfast Attire_. - MRS. CLARK--_Morning Gown_. - - -PROPERTIES. - -All listed in description of stage setting. - - -STAGE DIRECTIONS. - -_R._ means right of the stage; _C._, center; _R. C._, right center; -_L._, left; _1 E._, first entrance; _U. E._, upper entrance; _R. 3 E._, -right entrance up stage, etc.; up stage, away from footlights; down -stage, near footlights. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. - - -COPYRIGHT, 1918, BY T. S. DENISON & COMPANY. - - - - -PLEASE PASS THE CREAM - - -SCENE: _Dining-room of the CLARKS, cosily furnished in dark; -dining-table in center, two chairs at opposite ends, table set with -plates, knives, forks, spoons, glasses, coffee pot and cups at right -end, with sugar and a cream-pitcher; plate, knife, fork, spoons, glass -at left end; also a carafe of water; butter, salt and pepper boxes, -napkins, etc. A sideboard with silver. Rug under table. Modern hanging -lamp over it. Doors at right and left. Window at back beside sideboard. -Telephone on small table in left corner. MR. CLARK, about 40 years of -age, stout and easy going, seated in chair at left end of table. MRS. -CLARK, about 35 years old, rather slim and nervous, at the right end. -As the curtain rises both are eating some meat and potatoes, a clock in -hall behind door at right striking the hour of eight._ - -MRS. CLARK (_raising her napkin to her mouth_). I wish you wouldn’t say -“it don’t,” John. That isn’t grammatical! - -MR. CLARK (_raising a piece of potato on his knife to his mouth_). It -ain’t--why isn’t it? - -MRS. C. (_dropping her napkin to the floor, in a voice of utter -horror_). Oh, John, John! How many, _many_ times have I besought you -not to use that terrible, _terrible_ word “ain’t”? - -MR. C. (_very cheerfully, raising another piece of potato on his -knife_). I dunno, Martha. I never was much good at mental arithmetic. - -MRS. C. (_picking up her napkin, mournfully_). John, don’t you remember -that you _promised_ me when we were engaged never more to utter that -abominable word. - -MR. C. (_cutting awkwardly at his meat_). I _ain’t_ quite sure that I -made such a promise, Martha. - -MRS. C. (_sharply_). John Clark, you _certainly_ did make such a -promise--not once but _several_ times! - -MR. C. (_starting to raise a piece of meat to his mouth, letting it -fall_). But, Martha, that was _only_ an engagement promise, and -engagement promises _ain’t_ no wise binding, so to speak, after the -wedding march is ended. - -MRS. C. (_angrily, again dropping her napkin_). Mr. Clark, if you utter -that word _again_ I shall withdraw from the table! - -MR. C. (_still cutting away awkwardly at the meat_). All right, Martha. -I won’t use that word no more. - -MRS. C. (_picking up her napkin, sharply_). John Clark, what you have -just said is also ungrammatical. It is _very_ incorrect for you to say -“I won’t use that word no more.” - -MR. C. (_raising another piece of potato on his knife_). But, my dear, -I don’t see _why_ it is incorrect for me to say that I won’t use the -word “ain’t” again. _Now_ you’re blaming me for _not_ using it. - -MRS. C. (_a little confused_). You know _very_ well what I mean! -(_Suddenly and more sharply._) John, how many times have I requested -you not to _eat_ with your knife? - -MR. C. (_letting his knife fall out of his hand to the floor_). But -what is a knife for if it isn’t to eat with? - -MRS. C. (_in tone of utter disgust_). Oh, won’t you _ever_ speak -correct English. Why _couldn’t_ you have said, “What is the purpose of -a table-knife if it is not to use in eating?” - -MR. C. (_very cordially, reaching down to pick up the fallen knife_). -You are _exactly_ right, my dear. I agree wholly with you--the purpose -of a table-knife is to be used in eating. - -MRS. C. (_very sharply_). But a table-knife is _not_ a freight -elevator, John Clark! - -MR. C. (_starting to raise more potato on his knife_). No, Martha, a -fork is the proper instrument with which to convey a piece of meat from -one’s plate to one’s mouth. - -MRS. C. (_rising hastily, speaking quickly_). John, _stop_ that! -_Never_ use a knife, even at home, that has fallen to the floor! (_Goes -to the sideboard, opens a drawer, takes out a table-knife and exchanges -this knife for the one just dropped by MR. C._) There! (_Resuming her -seat._) Don’t you _dare_ to misuse _this_ knife as you misused the -other one, John Clark! - -MR. C. (_rather humbly_). No, ma’am! Still, it’s ever so much easier to -eat with my knife than with my fork. - -MRS. C. (_decidedly, beginning to eat again_). No, it isn’t! Besides, -it’s _very_ vulgar--and dangerous, too. - -MR. C. (_now using his fork_). Yet I’ve read somewhere--I know I -have--that George Washington ate with his knife in the same way that I -did. - -MRS. C. (_quickly_). Oh, well, forks were not invented then. - -MR. C. (_drinking from his glass of water_). They never should have -been invented. Fingers are ever so much better than forks. - -MRS. C. (_rising from her seat to go again to the sideboard_). I -expected you to say that fingers were invented before forks. How _did_ -it happen that you forgot to make that remark--again? - -MR. C. (_using his napkin very clumsily_). Really I can’t see why an -honest hungry man should be ashamed of eating with his knife. - -MRS. C. (_returning to her seat with the sugar tongs_). Well, it’s not -the correct thing socially. Mrs. James’s husband _never_ eats with -_his_ knife. (_Quickly._) John, that isn’t a wash towel; it’s a napkin. - -MR. C. (_dropping the napkin to the floor_). I wish that Mrs. James’s -husband would pay that $100 he has owed me for a year. - -MRS. C. (_beginning to pour out the coffee_). You should feel proud -that a gentleman of _such_ high social position as Mr. James owes you a -hundred dollars. - -MR. C. (_picking up the napkin_). Well, when a dozen other gentlemen of -high social position have each owed me a hundred dollars for more than -a year I don’t feel so proud of Mr. James’s owing me a hundred plunks. - -MRS. C. (_beginning to put in some sugar with the tongs into the cup of -coffee_). Not a hundred _plunks_, dear. You mean a hundred _dollars_. - -MR. C. (_a little crossly_). I mean _just_ what I say--a hundred -_plunks_! Perhaps if he ate with his knife and said “ain’t” the way I -do he would never have borrowed them hundred plunks. - -MRS. C. (_in utter horror_). “_Them_ hundred plunks!” Oh, John! - -MR. C. (_angrily_). Ye-es, _them hundred “bucks”_! (_More angrily._) -Now, see here, Martha Smith, I am a _ve_-ry _patient_ man. My father -was a patient man and my mother was the most patientest woman you ever -did see; but they have had their limits, and so have I. (_Bringing his -hand down firmly upon the table._) And when I get _real_ riled I ain’t -nearly as agreeable as aforetimes. (_Pauses for a moment as though -to emphasise his remarks._) As I said, I am a ve-ry _patient_ man, -but I have my limit. Now, Martha Smith, you have been a-pestering me -all breakfast time, and a-correcting me on my expressions of speech. -Also, you have been fault-finding with my table manners, and I have -got _ve_-ry tired of it. Now, I want you to understand, Martha Smith, -right _here_, that I won’t tolerate another word from you (_he rises -and then bangs his fist hard upon the table_), and I’ll say “it ain’t,” -“it hain’t,” “it don’t” as often as I _darn_ please! And I’ll eat with -my knife or my fingers as often as I _darn_ please! (_Raising his voice -still more._) Do you understand _that_, Martha Smith? (_He glares -angrily at her._) - -MRS. C. (_very coolly and very deliberately_). Mr. Clark, you are _so_ -amusing when you get “real riled.” If you could only _see yourself_ -(_mimics him_) “when you ain’t nearly as agreeable as aforetimes.” -Now, I _never_ get angry myself, _never_. And at any rate not after -seeing you in a tantrum. It’s too disgusting. You are _not_ a handsome -man, even when you are _agreeable_, Mr. Clark; but when you are really -“riled,” _my!_ you’re _homely_, as homely as--well, words _fail_ me! -(_She laughs somewhat irritatingly._) - -MR. C. (_walking furiously up and down the left side of the room, -savagely_). If you only was a man for a minute! - -MRS. C. (_more coolly and deliberately_). I wish I were for only _half_ -a minute. - -MR. C. (_walking more furiously, speaking more savagely_). It is no -wonder your _first_ husband died! - -MRS. C. (_rising quickly from her chair_). What do you _mean_, Mr. -Clark? (_Then she reseats herself just as quickly._) No, I never get -angry myself, _never_, and I’m _not_ going to become angry this time. -(_She rises again and carries the cup of coffee she has poured out, -placing it at his end of the table._) You see how _calm_ I am, Mr. -Clark--how _very_ calm. (_She returns to her seat with a martyr-like -smile._) If I were you I should drink that coffee before it gets cool. - -MR. C. (_pausing in his walking angrily_). I don’t _want_ any coffee! -(_More angrily._) Martha Smith, I asked you if _you_ understood? - -MRS. C. (_with great dignity_). Mr. Clark, please remember that I am -Mrs. Clark. - -MR. C. (_in a lower tone_). Guess I’ll never forget _that_! - -MRS. C. (_beginning to pour out some coffee for herself_). Don’t you -think you had better drink your coffee? It must be getting cool. - -MR. C. (_with a flash of anger_). Oh, _darn_ the coffee! - -MRS. C. (_putting in two lumps of sugar_). Just as you please, Mr. -Clark, just as you _please_. - -MR. C. (_sitting down sulkily in his seat_). Martha Smith, this -_nagging_ of yours is getting on my nerves. - -MRS. C. (_pouring from the cream-pitcher into her coffee_). I remarked -a short while ago that I am _Mrs. Clark_! - -MR. C. (_settling down into his chair_). Well, because you are Mrs. -Clark doesn’t give you any right to nag me. - -MRS. C. (_stirring her coffee_). I am _not_ nagging you. I have _never_ -nagged anybody in my life, but when you said “them hundred plunks”--oh, -horrors! - -MR. C. (_beginning to finger his coffee spoon_). But what _should_ I -have said? - -MRS. C. (_still stirring her coffee_). What _should_ you have said? -Why--why--“those hundred dollars,” of course. - -MR. C. (_in a grumbling tone_). It’s too blamed bad that a man can’t -speak as he wants to in his own home. - -MRS. C. (_sipping her coffee_). You _may_, John, providing that you -follow the rules of grammatical English, as are observed by our best -society. - -MR. C. (_less sulkily, still fingering his coffee spoon_). What do you -mean by our best society, Martha? - -MRS. C. (_a little perplexed_). Our best society? Oh--yes--er--why, our -best society means those that are _in_ the best society--those who are -the recognized leaders of society--the men and women who are socially -“it.” - -MR. C. (_quickly_). Martha! “Socially it”? I _am_ surprised to hear -such an expression fall from your lips. “Socially _it_”! Why, _what_ a -vulgar phrase. You _should_ have said, “Our best society consists of -those men and women who are the leaders of _élite_ society!” - -MRS. C. (_with much dignity_). Your coffee _must_ be cold by this time, -John. Let me give you another cup? - -MR. C. (_rather gleefully_). No, Martha, this coffee is all right; but -haven’t you forgotten something? - -MRS. C. (_still with dignity_). What is it I have forgotten? - -MR. C. (_cheerfully_). The milk, Martha, the _milk_. Please pass the -milk. - -MRS. C. (_reprovingly_). Of course you mean the _cream_, John. -(_Passing the pitcher._) - -MR. C. (_receiving the pitcher_). No, I mean the _milk_. - -MRS. C. (_rather sharply_). But, my dear, it isn’t milk; it’s _cream_. - -MR. C. (_obstinately_). It is _not_! It’s _milk_. (_Spelling it._) -M-i-l-k, _milk_! - -MRS. C. (_stirring her coffee_). It is not _milk_, John. Milk is what -the cows give--this is _cream_! - -MR. C. (_with a grin, still holding the pitcher_). I never knew before -that cream does not come from milk. _Very_ remarkable! - -MRS. C. (_a little confused_). Now don’t try to misunderstand me. Of -course milk comes from cream, and that pitcher contains cream, _not_ -milk. - -MR. C. (_with another grin_). Martha, I never knew before that milk -comes from cream. - -MRS. C. (_with dignity_). That was a slip of my tongue. - -MR. C. (_gleefully_). Yes, just as when you say that this pitcher -contains cream. - -MRS. C. (_sharply_). It _does_ contain cream, and _not_ milk! - -MR. C. (_pouring some of it from the pitcher into a glass_). Now, see -_there_. Do you call _that_ cream? _Cream!_ It’s more like skim milk. - -MRS. C. (_wearily_). Can’t you comprehend, John? _Socially_ it is -cream. You never ask for milk in your coffee but always for cream. - -MR. C. (_impatiently_). I don’t care one continental what it is -socially. _Practically_ it is milk. (_Drinking from the glass into -which he has poured from the pitcher._) YES, that’s _milk_ all right. -(_Pushing the pitcher towards MRS. C._) Taste it yourself Martha. See -if it isn’t milk. - -MRS. C. (_nervously sipping her coffee_). That isn’t the point at all. -Of course when it’s in a drinking glass it _may_ be milk, but when it’s -in a cream-pitcher it is _always_ cream. - -MR. C. (_still more impatiently_). But pouring it into a drinking glass -doesn’t change its _real_ nature. If it’s milk, it’s milk, and if it’s -cream, it’s _cream_! - -MRS. C. (_again sipping her coffee_). Yes, it is _just_ the same in the -pitcher as it is in the glass, only we call it, politely, cream when it -is in the pitcher and milk when in the glass. - -MR. C. (_crossly_). Well, what has politeness to do with it, anyway? If -it’s milk in the glass it will be milk when it’s in the pitcher. - -MRS. C. (_sipping her coffee with a half smile_). Don’t you _see_, -John, that it’s cream when it’s in the cream-pitcher? - -MR. C. (_still more crossly_). I suppose that if that pitcher contained -only water it could be called cream! - -MRS. C. (_putting down her spoon and drinking her coffee_). You are -_aw_-fully stupid--when you want to be, my dear. - -MR. C. (_rising quickly and going over to the telephone_). You needn’t -take _my_ word for it. We’ll have some one else’s opinion. (_Takes down -the receiver._) Hello! Give me Main 203. (_Turns to MRS. C._) I’m going -to talk with Joe Williams. He’s head of the Wholesale Milk Company. -(_Speaking into ’phone._) Hello! Is this Joe? I’m John Clark. You see, -Joe, my wife and I have had a slight dispute. She declares up and -down that the milk we are using on our breakfast table is cream, and -not milk at all. I say that it’s _milk_--no matter whether it’s in a -cream-pitcher or not. She says that as long as it’s in a cream-pitcher -it’s cream and _not_ milk. Now, Joe, am I _right_? It’s milk, because -I have drunk some of it and I remember that Mrs. Clark told me this -morning the milkman had forgotten to leave the cream. (_Pauses a -moment._) What’s _that_? You _think_ I am right, but you are going to -ask your wife and will call me up soon? Thank _you_, Joe. (_He replaces -the receiver and returns to his chair._) - -MRS. C. (_with a sweet smile_). I am sorry, John, that you have had to -call for assistance, but Mrs. Williams will, I am sure, wholly agree -with me. - -MR. C. (_sourly_). Well, I was brought up on a farm and I ought to know -the difference between milk and cream. - -MRS. C. (_with a very sweet smile_). I guess you were brought up on a -farm all right. - -MR. C. (_angrily_). So were _you_! I found it out only a short time -ago. (_Laughing softly._) Ha! ha! ha! - -MRS. C. (_mimicking him_). Ha! ha! ha! _ha!_ Now, I’m _not_ going to -lose my temper, whatever you may say. I _never_ get angry myself--no, -_never_! - -(_The telephone rings._) - -MR. C. (_hastening to the telephone_). _Now_ we shall see! (_Takes down -the receiver._) Hello! Hello, Joe. Oh, good morning, Mrs. Williams. How -do you do? Yes, thank you, both my wife and I are pretty well. _What_ -did you say? (_Listens while she is speaking._) Is that so? It is? I -understand. _What_ did you say? Oh, of course _socially_--yes--yes! -No, our dispute is not serious; only a difference of opinion. As -I told your husband a very _slight_ difference. _Thank_ you for -your trouble, Mrs. Williams. Will you please ask Mr. Williams to -come to the telephone a moment? O! He has gone for the day? Thank -_you_--good-_bye_. (_Impatiently hangs up the receiver._) - -MRS. C. (_laughing heartily_). Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! _ha!_ What did I -tell you, John? Didn’t Mrs. Williams agree _wholly_ with me? - -MR. C. (_reseating himself_). Yes, of _course_ she did. I expected -_that_, but Joe, I’m sure, believes that I am _right_. You see he -didn’t _dare_ to tell me his real opinion when his wife was there. -Probably he will visit us a little later and convince you that you -are wrong. But he didn’t have the courage to say so in the presence -of his wife. Isn’t it _too_ bad, Martha, that Joe hasn’t some of _my_ -independence? - -MRS. C. (_a little angrily_). I hope that Mr. Williams is not as stupid -as you are--_sometimes_. (_More angrily._) John, how _very_ obstinate -you are! You know well enough that _I_ have the right of it, and yet -you won’t admit it. - -MR. C. (_slowly stirring his coffee_). After all, Martha, I think I’ll -have some coffee. Will you please pass me the milk? - -MRS. C. (_with considerable temper_). John Clark, I _never_ get angry -myself, _never_, but certainly you do try my patience--sorely. Now, I -don’t want you to call that cream milk--_again_! _Not again!_ (_She -rises from her chair._) - -MR. C. (_still stirring his coffee_). Martha, will you please pass me -the--milk? - -MRS. C. (_angrily stamping her foot_). John Clark, how _dare_ you! - -MR. C. (_calmly_). Martha, will you _please_ pass me the milk! - -MRS. C. (_in a furious temper, stamping her foot and then pounding upon -the table_). It _ain’t_ milk--it _ain’t_! - -MR. C. (_with mock seriousness_). _Martha!_ It _ain’t_! That is _not_ -grammatical. Oh, that terrible, _terrible_ word--_ain’t_! - -MRS. C. (_very furiously_). I never said ain’t--never--_never_--_never_! - -MR. C. (_very mournfully_). You did, Martha--you _did_. I heard you. -You said, “_It ain’t no milk!_” - -MRS. C. (_wildly seizing the cream-pitcher and suddenly dashing it and -its contents to the floor, in view of the audience_). _There--darn it!_ - -MR. C. (_rising quickly_). Hold on! That is Grandmother Smith’s old -cream-pitcher! - -MRS. C. (_in despair_). Oh, _what_ have I done! (_She stands for a -moment, looking silently at the ruins of the prized cream-pitcher, and -then sinks into her chair, pulling out her handkerchief and weeping -hysterically._) - -MR. C. (_standing as though dazed, gazing upon the shattered pitcher._) -Gee _whiz_! (_Taking a step forward towards MRS. C., speaking kindly, -placing his right hand gently upon her shaking shoulders._) Well, -Martha, don’t feel so badly about it--it ain’t any use to “cry over -spilt milk!” - -MRS. C. (_suddenly rising from her chair, glaring at MR. C._). It isn’t -spilt milk--it’s spilt _cream_! - - -CURTAIN. - - - - -TRANSCRIBER’S NOTES: - - -Italicized text is surrounded by underscores: _italics_. - -Obvious typographical errors have been corrected. - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PLEASE PASS THE CREAM *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Please pass the cream</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:0; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:1em;'>A comedy</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Charles Nevers Holmes</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: May 21, 2022 [eBook #68147]</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</p> - <p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em; text-align:left'>Produced by: Charlene Taylor, David E. Brown, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive)</p> -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PLEASE PASS THE CREAM ***</div> - - -<div class="figcenter hide"><img src="images/coversmall.jpg" width="450" alt="" /></div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/titlepage.jpg" alt="" /></div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="titlepage"> -<h1><span class="smcap">Please Pass the Cream</span></h1> - -<p><span class="large">A COMEDY</span></p> - - -<p>BY<br /> -<span class="large">CHARLES NEVERS HOLMES</span></p> - -<p>AUTHOR OF<br /> -<i>“Their First Quarrel” and “Smith’s Unlucky Day.”</i></p> - -<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/titlepagelogo.jpg" alt="" /></div> - -<p>CHICAGO<br /> -<span class="large">T. S. DENISON & COMPANY</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Publishers</span></p> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</span> - -<p class="ph2">PLEASE PASS THE CREAM</p> -</div> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<hr class="tb" /> -<table> -<tr><td><span class="smcap">Mr. John Clark</span></td><td class="tdr"> <i>A “Self-Made” Man</i></td></tr> -<tr><td><span class="smcap">Mrs. John Clark</span>    </td><td class="tdr"> <i>A Former Schoolma’am</i></td></tr> -</table> -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Place</span>—<i>Anywhere</i>.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Time</span>—<i>Breakfast</i>.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Time of Playing</span>—<i>Twenty Minutes</i>.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">COSTUMES.</p> - -<p class="center"> -<span class="smcap">Mr. Clark</span>—<i>Breakfast Attire</i>.<br /> -<span class="smcap">Mrs. Clark</span>—<i>Morning Gown</i>.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">PROPERTIES.</p> - -<p class="center">All listed in description of stage setting.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">STAGE DIRECTIONS.</p> - -<p><i>R.</i> means right of the stage; <i>C.</i>, center; <i>R. C.</i>, right center; -<i>L.</i>, left; <i>1 E.</i>, first entrance; <i>U. E.</i>, upper entrance; <i>R. 3 E.</i>, -right entrance up stage, etc.; up stage, away from footlights; -down stage, near footlights. The actor is supposed to be -facing the audience.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">COPYRIGHT, 1918, BY T. S. DENISON & COMPANY.</p> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</span> - -<p class="ph2">PLEASE PASS THE CREAM</p> -</div> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>: <i>Dining-room of the</i> <span class="smcap">Clarks</span>, <i>cosily furnished in -dark; dining-table in center, two chairs at opposite ends, -table set with plates, knives, forks, spoons, glasses, coffee pot -and cups at right end, with sugar and a cream-pitcher; -plate, knife, fork, spoons, glass at left end; also a carafe -of water; butter, salt and pepper boxes, napkins, etc. A -sideboard with silver. Rug under table. Modern hanging -lamp over it. Doors at right and left. Window at back -beside sideboard. Telephone on small table in left corner.</i> -<span class="smcap">Mr. Clark</span>, <i>about 40 years of age, stout and easy going, -seated in chair at left end of table</i>. <span class="smcap">Mrs. Clark</span>, <i>about 35 -years old, rather slim and nervous, at the right end. As the -curtain rises both are eating some meat and potatoes, a clock -in hall behind door at right striking the hour of eight.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Clark</span> (<i>raising her napkin to her mouth</i>). I wish -you wouldn’t say “it don’t,” John. That isn’t grammatical!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Clark</span> (<i>raising a piece of potato on his knife to his -mouth</i>). It ain’t—why isn’t it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>dropping her napkin to the floor, in a voice of -utter horror</i>). Oh, John, John! How many, <i>many</i> times -have I besought you not to use that terrible, <i>terrible</i> word -“ain’t”?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>very cheerfully, raising another piece of potato -on his knife</i>). I dunno, Martha. I never was much good -at mental arithmetic.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>picking up her napkin, mournfully</i>). John, -don’t you remember that you <i>promised</i> me when we were -engaged never more to utter that abominable word.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>cutting awkwardly at his meat</i>). I <i>ain’t</i> quite -sure that I made such a promise, Martha.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>sharply</i>). John Clark, you <i>certainly</i> did make -such a promise—not once but <i>several</i> times!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>starting to raise a piece of meat to his mouth, -letting it fall</i>). But, Martha, that was <i>only</i> an engagement<span class="pagenum" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</span> -promise, and engagement promises <i>ain’t</i> no wise binding, -so to speak, after the wedding march is ended.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>angrily, again dropping her napkin</i>). Mr. -Clark, if you utter that word <i>again</i> I shall withdraw from -the table!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>still cutting away awkwardly at the meat</i>). All -right, Martha. I won’t use that word no more.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>picking up her napkin, sharply</i>). John Clark, -what you have just said is also ungrammatical. It is <i>very</i> -incorrect for you to say “I won’t use that word no more.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>raising another piece of potato on his knife</i>). -But, my dear, I don’t see <i>why</i> it is incorrect for me to say -that I won’t use the word “ain’t” again. <i>Now</i> you’re blaming -me for <i>not</i> using it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>a little confused</i>). You know <i>very</i> well what I -mean! (<i>Suddenly and more sharply.</i>) John, how many -times have I requested you not to <i>eat</i> with your knife?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>letting his knife fall out of his hand to the -floor</i>). But what is a knife for if it isn’t to eat with?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>in tone of utter disgust</i>). Oh, won’t you <i>ever</i> -speak correct English. Why <i>couldn’t</i> you have said, “What -is the purpose of a table-knife if it is not to use in eating?”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>very cordially, reaching down to pick up the -fallen knife</i>). You are <i>exactly</i> right, my dear. I agree -wholly with you—the purpose of a table-knife is to be used -in eating.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>very sharply</i>). But a table-knife is <i>not</i> a -freight elevator, John Clark!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>starting to raise more potato on his knife</i>). -No, Martha, a fork is the proper instrument with which -to convey a piece of meat from one’s plate to one’s mouth.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>rising hastily, speaking quickly</i>). John, <i>stop</i> -that! <i>Never</i> use a knife, even at home, that has fallen to -the floor! (<i>Goes to the sideboard, opens a drawer, takes -out a table-knife and exchanges this knife for the one just -dropped by</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span>) There! (<i>Resuming her seat.</i>) Don’t -you <i>dare</i> to misuse <i>this</i> knife as you misused the other one, -John Clark!</p> - - - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</span><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>rather humbly</i>). No, ma’am! Still, it’s ever so -much easier to eat with my knife than with my fork.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>decidedly, beginning to eat again</i>). No, it isn’t! -Besides, it’s <i>very</i> vulgar—and dangerous, too.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>now using his fork</i>). Yet I’ve read somewhere—I -know I have—that George Washington ate with his -knife in the same way that I did.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>quickly</i>). Oh, well, forks were not invented -then.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>drinking from his glass of water</i>). They never -should have been invented. Fingers are ever so much better -than forks.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>rising from her seat to go again to the sideboard</i>). -I expected you to say that fingers were invented -before forks. How <i>did</i> it happen that you forgot to make -that remark—again?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>using his napkin very clumsily</i>). Really I can’t -see why an honest hungry man should be ashamed of eating -with his knife.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>returning to her seat with the sugar tongs</i>). -Well, it’s not the correct thing socially. Mrs. James’s husband -<i>never</i> eats with <i>his</i> knife. (<i>Quickly.</i>) John, that isn’t -a wash towel; it’s a napkin.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>dropping the napkin to the floor</i>). I wish that -Mrs. James’s husband would pay that $100 he has owed -me for a year.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>beginning to pour out the coffee</i>). You should -feel proud that a gentleman of <i>such</i> high social position as -Mr. James owes you a hundred dollars.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>picking up the napkin</i>). Well, when a dozen -other gentlemen of high social position have each owed me -a hundred dollars for more than a year I don’t feel so -proud of Mr. James’s owing me a hundred plunks.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>beginning to put in some sugar with the tongs -into the cup of coffee</i>). Not a hundred <i>plunks</i>, dear. You -mean a hundred <i>dollars</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>a little crossly</i>). I mean <i>just</i> what I say—a hundred -<i>plunks</i>! Perhaps if he ate with his knife and said<span class="pagenum" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</span> -“ain’t” the way I do he would never have borrowed them -hundred plunks.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>in utter horror</i>). “<i>Them</i> hundred plunks!” -Oh, John!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>angrily</i>). Ye-es, <i>them hundred “bucks”</i>! -(<i>More angrily.</i>) Now, see here, Martha Smith, I am a <i>ve</i>-ry -<i>patient</i> man. My father was a patient man and my mother -was the most patientest woman you ever did see; but they -have had their limits, and so have I. (<i>Bringing his hand -down firmly upon the table.</i>) And when I get <i>real</i> riled -I ain’t nearly as agreeable as aforetimes. (<i>Pauses for a -moment as though to emphasise his remarks.</i>) As I said, -I am a ve-ry <i>patient</i> man, but I have my limit. Now, -Martha Smith, you have been a-pestering me all breakfast -time, and a-correcting me on my expressions of speech. -Also, you have been fault-finding with my table manners, -and I have got <i>ve</i>-ry tired of it. Now, I want you to understand, -Martha Smith, right <i>here</i>, that I won’t tolerate another -word from you (<i>he rises and then bangs his fist hard -upon the table</i>), and I’ll say “it ain’t,” “it hain’t,” “it don’t” -as often as I <i>darn</i> please! And I’ll eat with my knife or my -fingers as often as I <i>darn</i> please! (<i>Raising his voice still -more.</i>) Do you understand <i>that</i>, Martha Smith? (<i>He -glares angrily at her.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>very coolly and very deliberately</i>). Mr. Clark, -you are <i>so</i> amusing when you get “real riled.” If you could -only <i>see yourself</i> (<i>mimics him</i>) “when you ain’t nearly as -agreeable as aforetimes.” Now, I <i>never</i> get angry myself, -<i>never</i>. And at any rate not after seeing you in a tantrum. -It’s too disgusting. You are <i>not</i> a handsome man, even -when you are <i>agreeable</i>, Mr. Clark; but when you are really -“riled,” <i>my!</i> you’re <i>homely</i>, as homely as—well, words <i>fail</i> -me! (<i>She laughs somewhat irritatingly.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>walking furiously up and down the left side of -the room, savagely</i>). If you only was a man for a minute!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>more coolly and deliberately</i>). I wish I were -for only <i>half</i> a minute.</p> - - - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</span><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>walking more furiously, speaking more savagely</i>). -It is no wonder your <i>first</i> husband died!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>rising quickly from her chair</i>). What do you -<i>mean</i>, Mr. Clark? (<i>Then she reseats herself just as quickly.</i>) -No, I never get angry myself, <i>never</i>, and I’m <i>not</i> going to -become angry this time. (<i>She rises again and carries the -cup of coffee she has poured out, placing it at his end of -the table.</i>) You see how <i>calm</i> I am, Mr. Clark—how <i>very</i> -calm. (<i>She returns to her seat with a martyr-like smile.</i>) -If I were you I should drink that coffee before it gets cool.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>pausing in his walking angrily</i>). I don’t <i>want</i> -any coffee! (<i>More angrily.</i>) Martha Smith, I asked you -if <i>you</i> understood?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>with great dignity</i>). Mr. Clark, please remember -that I am Mrs. Clark.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>in a lower tone</i>). Guess I’ll never forget <i>that</i>!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>beginning to pour out some coffee for herself</i>). -Don’t you think you had better drink your coffee? It must -be getting cool.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>with a flash of anger</i>). Oh, <i>darn</i> the coffee!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>putting in two lumps of sugar</i>). Just as you -please, Mr. Clark, just as you <i>please</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>sitting down sulkily in his seat</i>). Martha Smith, -this <i>nagging</i> of yours is getting on my nerves.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>pouring from the cream-pitcher into her coffee</i>). -I remarked a short while ago that I am <i>Mrs. Clark</i>!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>settling down into his chair</i>). Well, because you -are Mrs. Clark doesn’t give you any right to nag me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>stirring her coffee</i>). I am <i>not</i> nagging you. I -have <i>never</i> nagged anybody in my life, but when you said -“them hundred plunks”—oh, horrors!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>beginning to finger his coffee spoon</i>). But what -<i>should</i> I have said?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>still stirring her coffee</i>). What <i>should</i> you have -said? Why—why—“those hundred dollars,” of course.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>in a grumbling tone</i>). It’s too blamed bad that -a man can’t speak as he wants to in his own home.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>sipping her coffee</i>). You <i>may</i>, John, providing<span class="pagenum" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</span> -that you follow the rules of grammatical English, as are -observed by our best society.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>less sulkily, still fingering his coffee spoon</i>). -What do you mean by our best society, Martha?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>a little perplexed</i>). Our best society? Oh—yes—er—why, -our best society means those that are <i>in</i> the best -society—those who are the recognized leaders of society—the -men and women who are socially “it.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>quickly</i>). Martha! “Socially it”? I <i>am</i> surprised -to hear such an expression fall from your lips. “Socially -<i>it</i>”! Why, <i>what</i> a vulgar phrase. You <i>should</i> have -said, “Our best society consists of those men and women -who are the leaders of <i>élite</i> society!”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>with much dignity</i>). Your coffee <i>must</i> be cold -by this time, John. Let me give you another cup?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>rather gleefully</i>). No, Martha, this coffee is all -right; but haven’t you forgotten something?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>still with dignity</i>). What is it I have forgotten?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>cheerfully</i>). The milk, Martha, the <i>milk</i>. Please -pass the milk.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>reprovingly</i>). Of course you mean the <i>cream</i>, -John. (<i>Passing the pitcher.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>receiving the pitcher</i>). No, I mean the <i>milk</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>rather sharply</i>). But, my dear, it isn’t milk; -it’s <i>cream</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>obstinately</i>). It is <i>not</i>! It’s <i>milk</i>. (<i>Spelling it.</i>) -M-i-l-k, <i>milk</i>!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>stirring her coffee</i>). It is not <i>milk</i>, John. Milk -is what the cows give—this is <i>cream</i>!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>with a grin, still holding the pitcher</i>). I never -knew before that cream does not come from milk. <i>Very</i> -remarkable!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>a little confused</i>). Now don’t try to misunderstand -me. Of course milk comes from cream, and that -pitcher contains cream, <i>not</i> milk.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>with another grin</i>). Martha, I never knew before -that milk comes from cream.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>with dignity</i>). That was a slip of my tongue.</p> - - - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</span><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>gleefully</i>). Yes, just as when you say that this -pitcher contains cream.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>sharply</i>). It <i>does</i> contain cream, and <i>not</i> milk!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>pouring some of it from the pitcher into a glass</i>). -Now, see <i>there</i>. Do you call <i>that</i> cream? <i>Cream!</i> It’s more -like skim milk.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>wearily</i>). Can’t you comprehend, John? <i>Socially</i> -it is cream. You never ask for milk in your coffee -but always for cream.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>impatiently</i>). I don’t care one continental what -it is socially. <i>Practically</i> it is milk. (<i>Drinking from the -glass into which he has poured from the pitcher.</i>) <span class="smcap">Yes</span>, -that’s <i>milk</i> all right. (<i>Pushing the pitcher towards</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span>) -Taste it yourself Martha. See if it isn’t milk.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>nervously sipping her coffee</i>). That isn’t the -point at all. Of course when it’s in a drinking glass it <i>may</i> -be milk, but when it’s in a cream-pitcher it is <i>always</i> cream.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>still more impatiently</i>). But pouring it into a -drinking glass doesn’t change its <i>real</i> nature. If it’s milk, -it’s milk, and if it’s cream, it’s <i>cream</i>!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>again sipping her coffee</i>). Yes, it is <i>just</i> the -same in the pitcher as it is in the glass, only we call it, -politely, cream when it is in the pitcher and milk when in -the glass.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>crossly</i>). Well, what has politeness to do with -it, anyway? If it’s milk in the glass it will be milk when -it’s in the pitcher.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>sipping her coffee with a half smile</i>). Don’t -you <i>see</i>, John, that it’s cream when it’s in the cream-pitcher?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>still more crossly</i>). I suppose that if that pitcher -contained only water it could be called cream!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>putting down her spoon and drinking her -coffee</i>). You are <i>aw</i>-fully stupid—when you want to be, -my dear.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>rising quickly and going over to the telephone</i>). -You needn’t take <i>my</i> word for it. We’ll have some one -else’s opinion. (<i>Takes down the receiver.</i>) Hello! Give me -Main 203. (<i>Turns to</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span>) I’m going to talk with Joe<span class="pagenum" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</span> -Williams. He’s head of the Wholesale Milk Company. -(<i>Speaking into ’phone.</i>) Hello! Is this Joe? I’m John -Clark. You see, Joe, my wife and I have had a slight dispute. -She declares up and down that the milk we are -using on our breakfast table is cream, and not milk at all. -I say that it’s <i>milk</i>—no matter whether it’s in a cream-pitcher -or not. She says that as long as it’s in a cream-pitcher -it’s cream and <i>not</i> milk. Now, Joe, am I <i>right</i>? -It’s milk, because I have drunk some of it and I remember -that Mrs. Clark told me this morning the milkman had -forgotten to leave the cream. (<i>Pauses a moment.</i>) What’s -<i>that</i>? You <i>think</i> I am right, but you are going to ask your -wife and will call me up soon? Thank <i>you</i>, Joe. (<i>He -replaces the receiver and returns to his chair.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>with a sweet smile</i>). I am sorry, John, that -you have had to call for assistance, but Mrs. Williams will, -I am sure, wholly agree with me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>sourly</i>). Well, I was brought up on a farm -and I ought to know the difference between milk and cream.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>with a very sweet smile</i>). I guess you were -brought up on a farm all right.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>angrily</i>). So were <i>you</i>! I found it out only a -short time ago. (<i>Laughing softly.</i>) Ha! ha! ha!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>mimicking him</i>). Ha! ha! ha! <i>ha!</i> Now, I’m -<i>not</i> going to lose my temper, whatever you may say. I -<i>never</i> get angry myself—no, <i>never</i>!</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>The telephone rings.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>hastening to the telephone</i>). <i>Now</i> we shall see! -(<i>Takes down the receiver.</i>) Hello! Hello, Joe. Oh, good -morning, Mrs. Williams. How do you do? Yes, thank you, -both my wife and I are pretty well. <i>What</i> did you say? -(<i>Listens while she is speaking.</i>) Is that so? It is? I understand. -<i>What</i> did you say? Oh, of course <i>socially</i>—yes—yes! -No, our dispute is not serious; only a difference of -opinion. As I told your husband a very <i>slight</i> difference. -<i>Thank</i> you for your trouble, Mrs. Williams. Will you -please ask Mr. Williams to come to the telephone a moment?<span class="pagenum" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</span> -O! He has gone for the day? Thank <i>you</i>—good-<i>bye</i>. -(<i>Impatiently hangs up the receiver.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>laughing heartily</i>). Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! -<i>ha!</i> What did I tell you, John? Didn’t Mrs. Williams agree -<i>wholly</i> with me?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>reseating himself</i>). Yes, of <i>course</i> she did. I -expected <i>that</i>, but Joe, I’m sure, believes that I am <i>right</i>. -You see he didn’t <i>dare</i> to tell me his real opinion when his -wife was there. Probably he will visit us a little later and -convince you that you are wrong. But he didn’t have the -courage to say so in the presence of his wife. Isn’t it <i>too</i> -bad, Martha, that Joe hasn’t some of <i>my</i> independence?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>a little angrily</i>). I hope that Mr. Williams is -not as stupid as you are—<i>sometimes</i>. (<i>More angrily.</i>) -John, how <i>very</i> obstinate you are! You know well enough -that <i>I</i> have the right of it, and yet you won’t admit it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>slowly stirring his coffee</i>). After all, Martha, -I think I’ll have some coffee. Will you please pass me the -milk?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>with considerable temper</i>). John Clark, I -<i>never</i> get angry myself, <i>never</i>, but certainly you do try my -patience—sorely. Now, I don’t want you to call that cream -milk—<i>again</i>! <i>Not again!</i> (<i>She rises from her chair.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>still stirring his coffee</i>). Martha, will you please -pass me the—milk?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>angrily stamping her foot</i>). John Clark, how -<i>dare</i> you!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>calmly</i>). Martha, will you <i>please</i> pass me the -milk!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>in a furious temper, stamping her foot and -then pounding upon the table</i>). It <i>ain’t</i> milk—it <i>ain’t</i>!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>with mock seriousness</i>). <i>Martha!</i> It <i>ain’t</i>! -That is <i>not</i> grammatical. Oh, that terrible, <i>terrible</i> word—<i>ain’t</i>!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>very furiously</i>). I never said ain’t—never—<i>never</i>—<i>never</i>!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>very mournfully</i>). You did, Martha—you <i>did</i>. -I heard you. You said, “<i>It ain’t no milk!</i>”</p> - - - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</span><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>wildly seizing the cream-pitcher and suddenly -dashing it and its contents to the floor, in view of the audience</i>). -<i>There—darn it!</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>rising quickly</i>). Hold on! That is Grandmother -Smith’s old cream-pitcher!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>in despair</i>). Oh, <i>what</i> have I done! (<i>She -stands for a moment, looking silently at the ruins of the -prized cream-pitcher, and then sinks into her chair, pulling -out her handkerchief and weeping hysterically.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> (<i>standing as though dazed, gazing upon the shattered -pitcher.</i>) Gee <i>whiz</i>! (<i>Taking a step forward towards</i> -<span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span>, <i>speaking kindly, placing his right hand gently upon -her shaking shoulders</i>.) Well, Martha, don’t feel so badly -about it—it ain’t any use to “cry over spilt milk!”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> (<i>suddenly rising from her chair, glaring at</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. -C.</span>). 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