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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..38a6842 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #68468 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/68468) diff --git a/old/68468-0.txt b/old/68468-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index c374c84..0000000 --- a/old/68468-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3087 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Told by the Colonel, by William -Livingston Alden - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Told by the Colonel - -Author: William Livingston Alden - -Illustrators: Richard Jack - Hal Hurst - -Release Date: July 7, 2022 [eBook #68468] - -Language: English - -Produced by: Richard Hulse and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team - at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images - generously made available by The Internet Archive/American - Libraries.) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TOLD BY THE COLONEL *** - -Transcriber’s Note: Readers may wish to be warned that the Colonel’s -tales, and the accompanying illustrations, contain outdated racial -stereotyping and language. - - - - - TOLD BY THE COLONEL. - - BY - W. L. ALDEN, - _Author of “A Lost Soul,” “Adventures of Jimmy Brown,” - “Trying to Find Europe,” etc., etc._ - - ILLUSTRATED BY - RICHARD JACK AND HAL HURST. - - NEW YORK - J. SELWIN TAIT & SONS - - COPYRIGHT, 1893, BY - J. SELWIN TAIT & SONS - - - - -CONTENTS. - - - PAGE - - AN ORNITHOLOGICAL ROMANCE, 1 - - JEWSEPPY, 12 - - THAT LITTLE FRENCHMAN, 26 - - THOMPSON’S TOMBSTONE, 38 - - A UNION MEETING, 52 - - A CLERICAL ROMANCE, 63 - - A MYSTERY, 80 - - MY BROTHER ELIJAH, 93 - - THE ST. BERNARD MYTH, 108 - - A MATRIMONIAL ROMANCE, 124 - - HOSKINS’ PETS, 139 - - THE CAT’S REVENGE, 153 - - SILVER-PLATED, 168 - - - - -TOLD BY THE COLONEL. - - - - -AN ORNITHOLOGICAL ROMANCE. - - -Four Americans were sitting in the smoking-room of a Paris hotel. One -of them was a grizzled, middle-aged man, who sat silent and apart from -the others and consumed his heavy black cigar with a somewhat gloomy -air. The other three were briskly talking. They had been three days in -Paris, and had visited the Moulin Rouge, the tomb of Napoleon, and the -sewers, and naturally felt that they were thoroughly acquainted with -the French capital, the French government, and the French people. They -were unanimously of the opinion that Paris was in all things fifty years -behind the age, and at least sixty behind Chicago. There was nothing -fit to eat, drink, or smoke in Paris. The French railway carriages were -wretched and afforded no facilities for burning travellers in case of -an accident. The morals of French society—as studied at the Moulin -Rouge—were utterly corrupt, owing possibly to that absence of free trade -in wives and husbands which a liberal system of divorce permits. The -French people did not understand English, which was alone sufficient to -prove them unfit for self-government, and their preference for heavy -five-franc pieces when they might have adopted soft and greasy dollar -bills showed their incurable lack of cleanliness. - -Suddenly the silent man touched the bell and summoned a waiter. - -“Waiter,” he said, as that functionary entered the room, “bring me an -owl.” - -“If you please, sir?” suggested the waiter, timidly. - -“I said, bring me an owl! If you pretend to talk English you ought to -understand that.” - -“Yes, sir. Certainly, sir. How would you please to have the nowl?” - -“Never you mind. You go and bring me an owl, and don’t be too long about -it.” - -The waiter was gone some little time, and, then returning, said, “I am -very sorry, sir, but we cannot give you a nowl to-night. The barkeeper is -out of one of the materials for making nowls. But I can bring you a very -nice cocktail.” - -“Never mind,” replied the American. “That’ll do. You can go now.” - -“I beg your pardon, sir,” said one of the three anatomizers of the French -people, speaking with that air of addressing a vast popular assemblage -which is so characteristic of dignified American conversationalists. -“Would you do me the favor to tell me and these gentlemen why you ordered -an owl?” - -“I don’t mind telling you,” was the answer, “but I can’t very well do it -without telling you a story first.” - -“All right, Colonel. Give us the story, by all means.” - -The elderly American leaned back in his chair searching for inspiration -with his gaze fixed on the chandelier. He rolled his cigar lightly from -one corner of his mouth to the other and back again, and presently began: - -“A parrot, gentlemen, is the meanest of all creation. People who are -acquainted with parrots, and I don’t know that you are, generally admit -that there is nothing that can make a parrot ashamed of himself. Now this -is a mistake, for I’ve seen a parrot made ashamed of himself, and he was -the most conceited parrot that was ever seen outside of Congress. It -happened in this way. - -“I came home one day and found a parrot in the house. My daughter Mamie -had bought him from a sailor who was tramping through the town. Said he -had been shipwrecked, and he and the parrot were the only persons saved. -He had made up his mind never to part with that bird, but he was so -anxious to get to the town where his mother lived that he would sell him -for a dollar. So Mamie she buys him, and hangs him up in the parlor and -waits for him to talk. - -[Illustration: “ASKING THE CAT IF HE HAD EVER SEEN A MOUSE.”] - -“It turned out that the parrot couldn’t talk anything but Spanish, and -very little of that. And he wouldn’t learn a word of English, though my -daughter worked over him as if he had been a whole Sunday-school. But one -day he all at once began to teach himself English. Invented a sort of -Ollendorff way of studying, perhaps because he had heard Mamie studying -French that way. He’d begin by saying, ‘Does Polly want a cracker?’ and -then he’d go on and ring the changes. For example, just to give you an -idea of the system, he’d say, ‘Does Polly want the lead cracker of the -plumber or the gold cracker of the candlestick maker?’ and then he’d -answer, ‘No, Polly does not want the lead cracker of the plumber nor the -gold cracker of the candlestick maker, but the large steel cracker of the -blacksmith.’ He used to study in this way three hours every morning and -three every afternoon, and never stop for Sundays, being, as I suppose, -a Roman Catholic, and not a Sabbath-keeping bird. I never saw a bird -so bent on learning a language as this one was, and he fetched it. In -three months’ time that parrot could talk English as well as you or I, -and a blamed sight better than that waiter who pretends that he talks -English. The trouble was the parrot would talk all the time when he was -not asleep. My wife is no slouch at talking, but I’ve seen her burst into -tears and say, ‘It’s no use, I can’t get in a word edgewise.’ And no -more could she. That bird was just talking us deaf, dumb, and blind. The -cat, he gave it up at an early stage of the proceedings. The parrot was -so personal in his remarks—asking the cat if he had ever seen a mouse in -his whole life, and wanting to know who it was that helped him to paint -the back fence red the other night, till the cat, after cursing till all -was blue, went out of the house and never showed up again. He hadn’t the -slightest regard for anybody’s feelings, that bird hadn’t. No parrot ever -has. - -“He wasn’t content with talking three-fourths of the time, but he had a -habit of thinking out loud which was far worse than his conversation. -For instance, when young Jones called of an evening on my daughter, the -parrot would say, ‘Well, I suppose that young idiot will stay till -midnight, and keep the whole house awake as usual.’ Or when the Unitarian -minister came to see my wife the parrot would just as likely as not -remark, ‘Why don’t he hire a hall if he must preach, instead of coming -here and wearing out the furniture?’ Nobody would believe that the parrot -made these remarks of his own accord, but insisted that we must have -taught them to him. Naturally, folks didn’t like this sort of thing, and -after a while hardly anybody came inside our front door. - -“And then that bird developed a habit of bragging that was simply -disgusting. He would sit up by the hour and brag about his superiority -to other birds, and the beauty of his feathers, and his cage, and the -gorgeousness of the parlor, and the general meanness of everything except -himself and his possessions. He made me so tired that I sometimes wished -I were deaf. You see, it was the infernal ignorance of the bird that -aggravated me. He didn’t know a thing of the world outside of our parlor; -and yet he’d brag and brag till you couldn’t rest. - -[Illustration: “THE PARROT BEGAN BY TRYING TO DAZZLE THE OWL WITH HIS -CONVERSATION, BUT IT WOULDN’T WORK.”] - -“You may ask why didn’t we kill him, or sell him, or give him to the -missionaries, or something of that sort. Well, Mamie, she said it would -be the next thing to murder if we were to wring his neck; and that -selling him would be about the same as the slave-trade. She wouldn’t let -me take the first step toward getting rid of the parrot, and the prospect -was that he’d drive us clean out of the house. - -“One day a man who had had considerable experience of parrots happened to -come in, and when I complained of the bird he said, ‘Why don’t you get -an owl? You get an owl and hang him up close to that parrot’s cage, and -in about two days you’ll find that your bird’s dead sick of unprofitable -conversation.’ - -“Well, I got a small owl and put him in a cage close to the parrot’s -cage. The parrot began by trying to dazzle the owl with his conversation, -but it wouldn’t work. The owl sat and looked at the parrot just as solemn -as a minister whose salary has been cut down, and after a while the -parrot tried him with Spanish. It wasn’t of any use. Not a word would -the owl let on to understand. Then the parrot tried bragging, and laid -himself out to make the owl believe that of all the parrots in existence -he was the ablest. But he couldn’t turn a feather of the owl. That noble -bird sat silent as the grave, and looked at the parrot as if to say, -‘This is indeed a melancholy exhibition of imbecility!’ Well, before -night that parrot was so ashamed of himself that he closed for repairs, -and from that day forth he never spoke an unnecessary word. Such, -gentlemen, is the influence of example even on the worst of birds.” - -The American lit a fresh cigar, and pulling his hat over his eyes, fell -into profound meditation. His three auditors made no comment on his -story, and did not repeat the inquiry why he had asked the waiter for -an owl. They smoked in silence for some moments, and then one of them -invited the other two to step over to Henry’s and take something—an -invitation which they promptly accepted, and the smoking-room knew them -no more that night. - - - - -JEWSEPPY. - - -“Yes, sir!” said the Colonel. “Being an American, I’m naturally in favor -of elevating the oppressed and down-trodden, provided, of course, they -live in other countries. All Americans are in favor of Home Rule for -Ireland, because it would elevate the Irish masses and keep them at home; -but if I were living in Ireland, perhaps I might prefer elevating Russian -Jews or Bulgarian Christians. You see, the trouble with elevating the -oppressed at home is that the moment you get them elevated they begin to -oppress you. There is no better fellow in the world than the Irishman, so -long as you govern him; but when he undertakes to govern you it’s time to -look out for daybreak to westward. You see, we’ve been there and know all -about it. - -“Did I ever tell you about Jewseppy? He was an organ-grinder, and, -take him by and large, he was the best organ-grinder I ever met. He -could throw an amount of expression into ‘Annie Rooney,’ or, it might -be, ‘The Old Folks at Home,’ that would make the strongest men weep and -heave anything at him that they could lay their hands to. He wasn’t a -Jew, as you might suppose from his name, but only an Italian—‘Jewseppy’ -being what the Italians would probably call a Christian name if they -were Christians. I knew him when I lived in Oshkosh, some twenty years -ago. My daughter, who had studied Italian, used to talk to him in his -native language; that is, she would ask him if he was cold, or hungry, -or ashamed, or sleepy, as the books direct, but as he never answered in -the way laid down in the books, my daughter couldn’t understand a word he -said, and so the conversation would begin to flag. I used to talk to him -in English, which he could speak middling well, and I found him cranky, -but intelligent. - -“He was a little, wizened, half-starved-looking man, and if he had only -worn shabby black clothes, you would have taken him for a millionaire’s -confidential clerk, he was so miserable in appearance. He had two -crazes—one was for monkeys, who were, he said, precisely like men, only -they had four hands and tails, which they could use as lassoes, all of -which were in the nature of modern improvements, and showed that they -were an advance on the original pattern of men. His other craze was his -sympathy for the oppressed. He wanted to liberate everybody, including -convicts, and have every one made rich by law and allowed to do anything -he might want to do. He was what you would call an Anarchist to-day, only -he didn’t believe in disseminating his views by dynamite. - -[Illustration: “SHE WOULD ASK HIM IF HE WAS COLD OR HUNGRY.”] - -“He had a monkey that died of consumption, and the way that Jewseppy -grieved for the monkey would have touched the heart of an old-fashioned -Calvinist, let alone a heart of ordinary stone. For nearly a month he -wandered around without his organ, occasionally doing odd jobs of work, -which made most people think that he was going out of his mind. But one -day a menagerie came to town, and in the menagerie was what the show-bill -called a gorilla. It wasn’t a genuine gorilla, as Professor Amariah G. -Twitchell, of our university, proved after the menagerie men had refused -to give him and his family free tickets. However, it was an animal to -that effect, and it would probably have made a great success, for our -public, though critical, is quick to recognize real merit, if it wasn’t -that the beast was very sick. This was Jewseppy’s chance, and he went for -it as if he had been a born speculator. He offered to buy the gorilla -for two dollars, and the menagerie men, thinking the animal was as good -as dead, were glad to get rid of it, and calculated that Jewseppy would -never get the worth of the smallest fraction of his two dollars. There is -where they got left, for Jewseppy knew more about monkeys than any man -living, and could cure any sick monkey that called him in, provided, of -course, the disease was one which medical science could collar. In the -course of a month he got the gorilla thoroughly repaired, and was giving -him lessons in the theory and practice of organ-grinding. - -“The gorilla didn’t take to the work kindly, which, Jewseppy said, was -only another proof of his grand intellect, but Jewseppy trained him so -well that it was not long before he could take the animal with him when -he went out with the organ, and have him pass the plate. The gorilla -always had a line round his waist, and Jewseppy held the end of it, and -sort of telegraphed to him through it when he wanted him to come back -to the organ. Then, too, he had a big whip, and he had to use it on the -gorilla pretty often. Occasionally he had to knock the animal over the -head with the butt end of the whip-handle, especially when he was playing -something on the organ that the gorilla didn’t like, such as ‘Marching -through Georgia,’ for instance. The gorilla was a great success as a -plate-passer, for all the men were anxious to see the animal, and all -the women were afraid not to give something when the beast put the plate -under their noses. You see, he was as strong as two or three men, and -his arms were as long as the whole of his body, not to mention that his -face was a deep blue, all of which helped to make him the most persuasive -beast that ever took up a collection. - -“Jewseppy had so much to say to me about the gorilla’s wonderful -intelligence that he made me tired, and one day I asked him if he thought -it was consistent with his principles to keep the animal in slavery. -‘You say he is all the same as a man,’ said I. ‘Then why don’t you give -him a show? You keep him oppressed and down-trodden the whole time. Why -don’t you let him grind the organ for a while, and take up the collection -yourself? Turn about is fair play, and I can’t see why the gorilla -shouldn’t have his turn at the easy end of the business.’ The idea seemed -to strike Jewseppy where he lived. He was a consistent idiot. I’ll give -him credit for that. He wasn’t ready to throw over his theories every -time he found they didn’t pay. Now that I had pointed out to him his duty -toward the gorilla, he was disposed to do it. - -[Illustration: “THE GORILLA WAS A GREAT SUCCESS.”] - -“You see, he reasoned that while it would only be doing justice to the -beast to change places with him, it would probably increase the receipts. -When a man can do his duty and make money by it his path is middling -plain; and after Jewseppy had thought it over he saw that he must do -justice to the gorilla without delay. - -“It didn’t take the beast long to learn the higher branches of -hand-organing. - -“He saw the advantages of putting the money in his own pocket instead -of collecting it and handing it over to Jewseppy, and he grasped the -idea that when he was pushing the little cart that carried the organ and -turning the handle, he was holding a much better place in the community -than when he was dancing and begging at the end of a rope. I thought, a -day or two after I had talked to Jewseppy, that there was considerable -uproar in town, but I didn’t investigate it until toward evening, when -there seemed to be a sort of riot or temperance meeting, or something -of the kind, in front of my house, and I went out to see about it. -There were nearly two thousand people there watching Jewseppy and his -gorilla, or rather the gorilla and his Jewseppy. The little man had been -elevating the oppressed with great success. A long rope was tied around -his waist, and he was trotting around among the people, taking up the -collection and dancing between times. - -“The gorilla was wearing Jewseppy’s coat, and was grinding away at the -organ with one hand and holding Jewseppy’s rope with the other. Every few -minutes he would haul in the rope, hand over hand, empty all the money -out of Jewseppy’s pocket, and start him out again. If the man stopped to -speak to anybody for a moment the gorilla would haul him in and give him -a taste of the whip, and if he didn’t collect enough money to suit the -gorilla’s idea, the animal would hold him out at arm’s length with one -hand and lay into him with the other till the crowd were driven wild with -delight. Nothing could induce them to think that Jewseppy was in earnest -when he begged them to protect him. They supposed it was all a part of -the play, and the more he implored them to set him free, the more they -laughed and said that ‘thish yer Eyetalian was a bang-up actor.’ - -“As soon as Jewseppy saw me he began to tell me of his sufferings. -His story lacked continuity, as you might say, for he would no sooner -get started in his narrative than the gorilla would jerk the rope as a -reminder to him to attend strictly to business if he wanted to succeed in -his profession. Jewseppy said that as soon as he tied the rope around his -waist and put the handle of the organ in the gorilla’s hand the beast saw -his chance and proceeded to take advantage of it. He had already knocked -the man down twice with the handle of the whip, and had lashed him till -he was black and blue, besides keeping him at work since seven o’clock -that morning without anything to eat or drink. - -[Illustration: “WEARING JEWSEPPY’S COAT, AND WAS GRINDING AWAY AT THE -ORGAN.”] - -“At this point the gorilla hauled Jewseppy in and gave him a fairly good -thrashing for wasting his time in conversation. When the man came around -again with the plate I told him that he was taking in more money than he -had ever taken in before, and that this ought to console him, even if the -consciousness that he was doing justice to the oppressed had no charms -for him. I’m sorry to say that Jewseppy used such bad language that I -really couldn’t stay and listen to him any longer. I understood him to -say that the gorilla took possession of every penny that was collected, -and would be sure to spend it on himself, but as this was only what -Jewseppy had been accustomed to do it ought not to have irritated a man -with a real sense of justice. Of course I was sorry that the little man -was being ill treated, but he was tough, and I thought that it would not -hurt him if the gorilla were to carry out his course of instruction in -the duty of elevating the oppressed a little longer. I have always been -sort of sorry that I did not interfere, for although Jewseppy was only a -foreigner who couldn’t vote, and was besides altogether too set in his -ideas, I didn’t want him to come to any real harm. After that day no man -ever saw Jewseppy, dead or alive. He was seen about dusk two or three -miles from town on the road to Sheboygan. He was still tied to the rope -and was using a lot of bad language, while the gorilla was frequently -reminding him with the whip of the real duties of his station and the -folly of discontent and rebellion. That was the last anybody ever saw -of the Italian. The gorilla turned up the next day at a neighboring town -with his organ, but without anybody to take up the collection for him, -and as the menagerie happened to be there the menagerie men captured -him and put him back in his old cage, after having confiscated the -organ. No one thought of making any search for Jewseppy, for, as I have -said, he had never been naturalized and had no vote, and there were not -enough Italians in that part of the country to induce any one to take an -interest in bringing them to the polls. It was generally believed that -the gorilla had made away with Jewseppy, thinking that he could carry -on the organ business to more advantage without him. It’s always been -my impression that if Jewseppy had lived he would have been cured of -the desire to elevate the down-trodden, except, of course, in foreign -countries. He was an excellent little man—enthusiastic, warm-hearted, and -really believing in his talk about the rights of monkeys and the duty -of elevating everybody. But there isn’t the least doubt that he made a -mistake when he tried to do justice to that gorilla.” - - - - -THAT LITTLE FRENCHMAN. - - -“Does anybody doubt my patriotism?” asked the Colonel. We all hastened -to say that we should as soon doubt our own existence. Had he not made a -speech no longer ago than last Fourth of July, showing that America was -destined to have a population of 1,000,000,000 and that England was on -the verge of extinction? Had he not perilled his life in the cause of -freedom, and was he not tireless in insisting that every Chinaman should -be driven out of the United States? If there ever was one American more -patriotic than another it was the Colonel. - -“Well, then,” continued the speaker, “you won’t misunderstand me when -I say that the American railroad car is a hundred times more dangerous -than these European compartment cars. In thirty years there have been -just four felonious assaults in English railroad cars. There have been -a few more than that in France, but not a single one in Germany. Now, I -admit that you are in no danger of being shot in an American car, unless, -of course, two gentlemen happen to have a difficulty and shoot wild, or -unless the train is held up by train robbers who are a little too free -with their weapons. But I do say that the way in which we heat our cars -with coal-stoves kills thousands of passengers with pneumonia and burns -hundreds alive when the trains are wrecked. - -“You see, I’ve looked into this thing and I’ve got the statistics down -fine. I’m the only man I know who ever had any trouble with a passenger -while travelling in Europe, and I don’t mind telling you about it, -although it will be giving myself away. Kindly push me over those -matches, will you? These French cigars take a lot of fuel, and you have -to encourage them with a match every three minutes if you expect them to -burn. - -“When I was over here in Paris, ten years ago, there was a fellow here -from Chicago who was trying to introduce American cars, and he gave -me a pamphlet he had got up showing the horrors of the compartment -system. It told of half a dozen murders, fifteen assaults, eleven cases -of blackmail, and four cases in which a solitary traveller was shut up -in a compartment with a lunatic—all these incidents having occurred on -European railways. I was on my way to Egypt, and when I had read the -pamphlet I began to wonder if I should ever manage to live through the -railroad journey without being killed, or blackmailed, or lunaticked, or -something of the kind. You see, I believed the stories then, though I -know now that about half of them were false. - -“I took the express train—the Peninsular and Oriental they call it—from -Paris about twelve o’clock one night. I went early to the train, -and until just before we started I thought I was going to have the -compartment to myself. All at once a man very much out of breath jumped -in, the door was slammed, and we were off. - -[Illustration: “‘DOES ANYBODY DOUBT MY PATRIOTISM?’ ASKED THE COLONEL.”] - -“I didn’t like the looks of the fellow. He was a Frenchman, though -of course that wasn’t his fault. He was small but wiry-looking, and -his sharp black eyes were not the style of eyes that inspires me with -confidence. Then he had no baggage except a small paper parcel, which -was queer, considering that the train was a long-distance one. I kept -a close watch on him for a while, thinking that he might be one of the -professional lunatics that, according to the Chicago chap’s pamphlet, are -always travelling in order to frighten solitary passengers; but after a -while I became so sleepy that I decided to lie down and take a nap and my -chances of being killed at the same time. Just then the man gets up and -begins to talk to me in French. - -“Now, I needn’t say that I don’t speak French nor any of those fool -languages. Good American is good enough for me. One reason why these -Europeans have been enslaved for centuries is that they can’t make each -other understand their views without shouting at the top of their lungs, -and so bringing the police about their ears. But I did happen to know, -or thought I did, the French word for going to sleep, and so I thought -I would just heave it at this chap so that he would understand that I -didn’t require his conversation. I have always found that if you talk -to a Frenchman in English very slowly and impressively he will get the -hang of what you say. That is, if he isn’t a cabman. You can’t get an -idea into a French cabman’s head unless you work it in with a club. So I -said to the fellow in the train: ‘My friend! I haven’t any time to waste -in general conversation. I’m going to sleep, and I advise you to do the -same. You can tell me all about your institutions and your revolutions -and things in the morning.’ And then I hove in the French word ‘cochon,’ -which I supposed meant something like ‘Now I lay me down to sleep.’ - -“The fellow staggered back as if I had hit him, and then he began to -sling the whole French language at me. I calculate that he could have -given Bob Ingersoll fifty points in a hundred and beaten him, and, as you -know, Bob is the ablest vituperator now in the business. The Frenchman -kept on raving and getting madder and madder every minute, and I saw -that there wasn’t the least doubt that he was a dangerous lunatic. - -“I stood up and let him talk for a while, occasionally saying ‘non -comprenny’ and ‘cochon,’ just to soothe him, but presently he came close -to me and shook his fist in my face. This was too much, so I took him -by the shoulders and slammed him down in a corner seat, and said, ‘You -sit there, sonny, and keep quiet, or you’ll end by getting me to argue -with you.’ But the minute I let go of him he bounced up again as if he -was made of India-rubber, and came at me just as a terrier will come at -a horse, pretending that he is going to tear him into small pieces. So I -slammed him down into his corner again, and said, ‘This foolishness has -gone far enough, and we’ll have it stopped right here. Didn’t you hear me -say cochon? I’m going to cochon, and you’d better cochon, too, or I’ll -make you.’ - -“This time he jumped up as soon as I had let go of him and tried to hit -me. Of course I didn’t want to hit so small a chap, letting alone that -he knew no more about handling his fists than the angel Gabriel, so -I just took and twisted his arms behind his back and tied them with a -shawl-strap. Then, seeing as he showed a reprehensible disposition to -kick, I put another strap around his legs and stretched him on the seat -with his bundle under his head. But kindness was thrown away on that -Frenchman. He tried to bite me, and not content with spitting like a cat, -he set up a yell that was the next thing to the locomotive whistle, and -rolling off the seat tried to kick at me with both legs. - -“I let him exercise himself for a few minutes, while I got my hair-brush -and some twine out of my bag. Then I put him back on the seat, gagged -him with the handle of the hair-brush, and lashed him to the arm of the -seat so that he couldn’t roll off. Then I offered him a drink, but he -shook his head, not having any manners, in spite of what people say about -the politeness of Frenchmen. Having secured my own safety and made the -lunatic reasonably comfortable, I turned in and went to sleep. I must -have slept very sound, for although the train stopped two or three times -during the night, I never woke up until we pulled up for breakfast -about eight o’clock the next morning. I sat up and looked at my lunatic, -who was wide awake and glaring at me. I wished him good-morning, for I -couldn’t bear any grudge against a crazy man; but he only rolled his eyes -and seemed madder than ever, so I let him lie and got out of the train. - -“Two policemen were walking up and down the platform, and I took one of -them by the arm and led him to the car, explaining what had happened. I -don’t know whether he understood or not, but he pretended that he didn’t. - -“As soon as he saw the lunatic there was a pretty row. He called two -more policemen, and after they had ungagged the fellow they hauled us -both before a magistrate who had his office in the railroad station. -At least he acted like a magistrate, although he wore the same uniform -as the policemen. Here the fellow I had travelled with was allowed to -speak first, and he charged me, as I afterward found, with having first -insulted and then assaulted him. He said he rather thought I was a -lunatic, but at any rate he must have my blood. Then an interpreter was -sent for, and I told my story, but I could see that nobody believed me. - -[Illustration: “THEY HAULED US BOTH BEFORE A MAGISTRATE.”] - -“‘Accused,’ said the magistrate very sternly, ‘you called this gentleman -a pig. What was your motive?’ - -“Of course I swore that I had never called him a pig, that I hardly knew -half a dozen words of his infamous language, and that I had used only one -of those. Being asked what it was, I said ‘cochon.’ And then that idiot -ordered me to be locked up. - -“By rare good luck there happened to be an American secretary of legation -on the train. You know him. It was Hiram G. Trask, of West Centreopolis. -He recognized me, and it didn’t take him very long to explain the -whole affair. It seems that the Frenchman had asked me if I objected -to smoking, and when I tried to tell him that we ought to go to sleep, -I said ‘cochon,’ which means pig, instead of ‘couchons,’ which was the -word I ought to have used. He was no more of a lunatic than a Frenchman -naturally is, but he was disgusted at being carried two hundred miles -beyond his destination, which was the first stopping-place beyond Paris, -and I don’t know that I blame him very much. And then, too, he seemed to -feel that his dignity had been some ruffled by being gagged and bound. -However, both he and the policemen listened to reason, and the man agreed -to compromise on my paying him damages and withdrawing the assertion that -he was morally or physically a pig. The affair cost considerable, but -it taught me a lesson, and I have quit believing that you can’t travel -in a European railroad car without being locked up with a lunatic or a -murderer. I admit that the whole trouble was due to my foolishness. When -the Frenchman began to make a row, I ought to have killed him and dropped -the body out of the door, instead of fooling with him half the night and -trying to make him comfortable. But we can’t always command presence of -mind or see just where our duty lies at all times.” - - - - -THOMPSON’S TOMBSTONE. - - -We had just dined in the little Parisian restaurant where Americans are -in the habit of going in order to obtain those truly French delicacies, -pork and beans, buckwheat cakes, corned beef, apple pie, and overgrown -oysters. I knew a man from Chicago who dined at this restaurant every -day during the entire month spent by him in Paris, and who, at the end -of that time, said that he was heartily sick of French cookery. Thus -does the profound study of the manners and customs of foreign nations -enlighten the mind and ripen the judgment. - -The Colonel had finished his twelfth buckwheat cake and had lighted his -cigar, when he casually and reprovingly remarked to young Lathrop, who, -on principle, was disputing the bill with the waiter, that “he was making -more trouble than Thompson’s tombstone.” Being called upon to explain -this dark saying, he stretched his legs to their limit, tipped back his -chair, knocked the ashes of his cigar among the remnants of his pork and -beans, and launched into his story. - -“In the town where I was raised—and I’m not going to give away the name -of it at present—there were two brothers, James and John Thompson. They -were twins and about forty years old, as I should judge. James was a -bachelor and John he was a widower, and they were both pretty well to do -in the world, for those times at least. John was a farmer and James was -a wagon maker and owned the village hearse besides, which he let out for -funerals, generally driving it himself, so that any profit that was to be -made out of a melancholy occasion he could make without sharing it with -anybody. Both the men were close-fisted, and would look at a dollar until -their eyesight began to fail before they could bring themselves to spend -it. It was this miserly spirit that brought about the trouble that I’m -going to tell you of. - -“After John Thompson had been a widower so long that the unmarried -women had given up calling on him to ask his advice about the best way -of raising money for the heathen, and had lost all expectation that any -one of them would ever gather him in, he suddenly ups and marries Maria -Slocum, who used to keep a candy store next door to the school-house and -had been a confirmed old maid for twenty years. She had a little money, -though, and folks did say that she could have married James Thompson if -she had been willing to take the risk; but the fact that James always had -the hearse standing in his carriage-house made him unpopular with the -ladies. She took John because his views on infant baptism agreed with -hers, and he took her because she had a good reputation for making pies -and was economical and religious. - -“The Thompson brothers owned burial lots in the new cemetery that were -close together. James, of course, had, so far, no use for his lot, but -John had begun to settle his by burying his first wife in about the -middle of it. The lot was a good-sized one, with accommodation for a -reasonably large family without crowding them, and without, at the same -time, scattering them in any unsocial way. I don’t know how it came -about, but no sooner was John married than he took a notion to put up a -tombstone over his first wife. He thought that as he was going to incur -such an expense he would manage it so that he wouldn’t have to incur it -again; and so he got up a design for a combination family tombstone, and -had it made, and carved, and lettered, and set up in his burial lot. - -“Near the top of the stone was John Thompson’s name, the date of his -birth, and a blank space for the date of his death. Next came the name of -‘Sarah Jane, beloved wife of the above,’ and the date of her birth and -death. Then came the name of ‘Maria, beloved and lamented wife of the -above John Thompson,’ with the date of her birth and a space for the date -of her death. You see, John worked in this little compliment about Maria -being ‘lamented’ so as to reconcile her to having the date of her birth -given away to the public. The lower half of the tombstone was left vacant -so as to throw in a few children should any such contingency arise, and -the whole advertisement ended with a verse of a hymn setting forth that -the entire Thompson family was united in a better land above. - -“The cost of the affair was about the same as that of one ordinary -tombstone, the maker agreeing to enter the dates of John’s death and of -his wife’s death free of charge whenever the time for so doing might -arrive; and also agreeing to enter the names of any children that might -appear at a very low rate. The tombstone attracted a great deal of -attention, and the summer visitors from the city never failed to go -and see it. John was proud of his stroke of economy, and used to say -that he wasn’t in danger of being bankrupted by any epidemic, as those -people were who held that every person must have his separate tombstone. -Everybody admitted that the Thompson tombstone gave more general -amusement to the public than any other tombstone in the whole cemetery. -Every summer night John used to walk over to his lot and smoke his pipe, -leaning on the fence and reading over the inscriptions. And then he -would go and take a fresh look at the Rogers’ lot, where there were nine -different tombstones, and chuckle to think how much they must have cost -old man Rogers, who had never thought of a combination family tomb. In -the course of about three years the inscriptions had grown, for there -had been added the names of Charles Henry and William Everett Thompson, -‘children of the above John and Maria Thompson,’ and John calculated -that with squeezing he could enter four more children on the same stone, -though he didn’t really think that he would ever have any call so to do. - -“Well, a little after the end of the third year John’s troubles began. -He took up with Second Advent notions and believed that the end of the -world would arrive, as per schedule, on the 21st of November, at 8:30 -A.M. Maria said that this was not orthodox and that she wouldn’t allow -any such talk around her house. Both of them were set in their ways, -and what with John expressing his views with his whip-handle and Maria -expressing hers with the rolling-pin, they didn’t seem to get on very -well together, and one day Maria left the house and took the train to -Chicago, where she got a divorce and came back a free and independent -woman. That wasn’t all: James Thompson now saw his chance. He offered to -sell out the hearse business, and after waiting ten months, so as to give -no opportunity for scandal, Maria married him. - -“John didn’t seem to mind the loss of his wife very much until it -happened to occur to him that his combination family tombstone would -have to be altered, now that Maria was not his wife any longer. He was -a truthful man, and he felt that he couldn’t sleep in peace under a -tombstone that was constantly telling such a thumping lie as that Maria -was resting in the same burying-lot and that she was his beloved wife, -when, in point of fact, she was another man’s wife and would be, at -the proper time, lying in that other man’s part of the cemetery. So he -made up his mind to have the marble-cutter chisel out Maria’s name and -the date of her birth. But before this was done he saw that it wouldn’t -be the square thing so far as Charles Henry and William Everett were -concerned. It would be playing it low down on those helpless children -to allow that tombstone to assert that they were the children of John -Thompson and some unspecified woman called Maria, who, whatever else -she may have been, was certainly not John Thompson’s wife. Matters would -not be improved if the name of Maria were to be cut out of the line -which stated the parentage of the children, for in that case it would -appear that they had been independently developed by John, without the -intervention of any wife, which would be sure to give rise to gossip and -all sorts of suspicions. - -[Illustration: “DIDN’T SEEM TO GET ON VERY WELL TOGETHER.”] - -“Of course the difficulty could have been settled by erasing from the -tombstone all reference to Maria and her two children, but in that case -a separate stone for the children would some day become necessary, -and, what was of more consequence, John’s grand idea of a combination -tombstone would have to be completely abandoned. John was not a hasty -man, and after thinking the matter over until the mental struggle turned -his hair gray, he decided to compromise the matter by putting a sort of -petticoat around the lower half of the tombstone, which would hide all -reference to Maria and the children. This was easily done with the aid of -an old pillow-case, and the tombstone became more an object of interest -to the public than ever, while John, so to speak, sat down to wait for -better times. - -[Illustration: “THE TOMBSTONE BECAME MORE AN OBJECT OF INTEREST TO THE -PUBLIC THAN EVER.”] - -“Now, James had been thinking over the tombstone problem, and fancied -that he had found a solution of it that would put money in his own pocket -and at the same time satisfy his brother. He proposed to John that the -inscription should be altered so as to read: ‘Maria, formerly wife of -John and afterward of James Thompson,’ and that a hand should be carved -on the stone with an index-finger pointing toward James’ lot, and a line -in small type saying, ‘See small tombstone.’ James said that he would -pay the cost of putting up a small uninscribed stone in his own lot over -the remains of Maria—waiting, of course, until she should come to be -remains—and that John could pay the cost of altering the inscriptions on -the large stone. The two brothers discussed this scheme for months, each -of them being secretly satisfied with it, but John maintaining that James -should pay all the expenses. - -“This James would not do, for he reasoned that unless John came to his -terms the combination tombstone would be of no good to anybody, and that -if he remained firm John would come round to his proposal in time. - -“There isn’t the least doubt that this would have been the end of the -affair, if it had not been that James chuckled over it so much that one -day he chuckled a fishbone into his throat and choked to death on the -spot. He was buried in his own lot, with nothing but a wooden headboard -to mark the spot. His widow said that if he had been anxious to have -a swell marble monument he would have made provision for it in his -lifetime, and as he had done nothing of the kind, she could not see that -she had any call to waste her money on worldly vanities. - -“How did this settle the affair of the combination tombstone? I’m just -telling you. You see, by this time the world had not come to an end, and -John, who always hated people who didn’t keep their engagements, seeing -that the Second Adventists didn’t keep theirs, left them and returned to -the regular Baptist fold. When his brother died he went to the funeral, -and did what little he could, in an inexpensive way, to comfort the -widow. The long and short of it was that they became as friendly as they -ever had been, and John finally proposed that Maria should marry him -again. ‘You know, Maria,’ he said, ‘that we never disagreed except about -that Second Advent nonsense. You were right about that and I was wrong, -as the event has proved, and now that we’re agreed once more, I don’t see -as there is anything to hinder our getting married again.’ - -“Maria said that she had a comfortable support, and she couldn’t feel -that it was the will of Providence for her to be married so often, -considering how many poor women there were who couldn’t get a single -husband. - -“‘Well,’ continued John, ‘there is that there tombstone. It always -pleased you and I was always proud of it. If we don’t get married again -that tombstone is as good as thrown away, and it seems unchristian to -throw away a matter of seventy-five dollars when the whole thing could be -arranged so easy.’ - -“The argument was one which Maria felt that she could not resist, and -so, after she had mourned James Thompson for a fitting period, she -married John a second time, and the tombstone’s reputation for veracity -was restored. John and Maria often discussed the feasibility of selling -James’ lot and burying him where the combination tombstone would take -him in, but there was no more room for fresh inscriptions, and besides, -John didn’t see his way clear to stating in a short and impressive way -the facts as to the relationship between James and Maria. So, on the -whole, he judged it best to let James sleep in his own lot, and let -the combination tombstone testify only to the virtues of John Thompson -and his family. That’s the story of Thompson’s tombstone, and if you -don’t believe it I can show you a photograph of the stone with all the -inscriptions. I’ve got it in my trunk at this very moment, and when we go -back to the hotel, if you remind me of it, I’ll get it out.” - - - - -A UNION MEETING. - - -“Well, sir,” said the Colonel, “since you ask me what struck me most -forcibly during my tour of England, and supposing that you want a civil -answer to a civil question, I will say that the thing that astonished me -more than anything else was the lack of religious enterprise in England. - -[Illustration: “THE LACK OF RELIGIOUS ENTERPRISE IN ENGLAND.”] - -“I have visited nearly every section of your country, and what did I -find? Why, sir, in every town there was a parish church of the regulation -pattern and one other kind of church, which was generally some sort of -Methodist in its persuasion. Now, in America there is hardly a village -which hasn’t half a dozen different kinds of churches, and as a rule at -least one of them belongs to some brand-new denomination, one that has -just been patented and put on the market, as you might say. When I lived -in Middleopolis, Iowa, there were only fifteen hundred people in the -place, but we had six kinds of churches. There was the Episcopalian, -the Methodist, the Congregational, the Baptist, the Presbyterian, the -Unitarian, and the Unleavened Disciples church, not to mention the -colored Methodist church, which, of course, we didn’t count among -respectable white denominations. All these churches were lively and -aggressive, and the Unleavened Disciples, that had just been brought -out, was as vigorous as the oldest of them. All of them were furnishing -good preaching and good music, and striving to outdo one another in -spreading the Gospel and raising the price of pew-rents. I could go for -two or three months to the Presbyterian church, and then I could take a -hack at the Baptists and pass half a dozen Sundays with the Methodists, -and all this variety would not cost me more than it would have cost to -pay pew-rent all the year round in any one church. And then, besides the -preaching, there were the entertainments that each church had to get up -if it didn’t want to fall behind its rivals. We had courses of lectures, -and returned missionaries, and ice-cream festivals till you couldn’t -rest. Why, although I am an old theatrical manager, I should not like -to undertake to run a first-class American church in opposition to one -run by some young preacher who had been trained to the business and knew -just what the popular religious taste demanded. I never was mixed up in -church business but once, and then I found that I wasn’t in my proper -sphere.” - -The Colonel chuckled slowly to himself, as his custom was when anything -amused him, and I asked him to tell me his ecclesiastical experience. - -“Well, this was the way of it,” he replied. “One winter the leading -citizens of the place decided to get up a series of union meetings. -Perhaps you don’t know what a union meeting is? I thought so. It bears -out what I was saying about your want of religious enterprise. Well, it’s -a sort of monster combination, as we would say in the profession. All the -churches agree to hold meetings together, and all the preaching talent of -the whole of them is collected in one pulpit, and each man preaches in -turn. Of course every minister has his own backers, who are anxious to -see him do himself and his denomination credit, and who turn out in full -force so as to give him their support. The result is that a union meeting -will always draw, even in a town where no single church can get a full -house, no matter what attractions it may offer. - -“Now, a fundamental rule of a union meeting is that no doctrines are -to be preached to which any one could object. The Baptist preacher is -forbidden to say anything about baptism, and the Methodist can’t allude -to falling from grace in a union meeting. This is supposed to keep things -peaceful and to avoid arguments and throwing of hymn-books and such-like -proceedings, which would otherwise be inevitable. - -“The union meetings had been in progress for three or four nights when I -looked into the Presbyterian church, where they were held one evening, -just to see how the thing was drawing. All the ministers in town, except -the Episcopalian minister, were sitting on the platform waiting their -cues. The Episcopalian minister had been asked to join in the services, -but he had declined, saying that if it was all the same to his dissenting -and partially Christian friends he would prefer to play a lone hand; and -the colored minister was serving out his time in connection with some of -his neighbors’ chickens that, he said, had flown into his kitchen and -committed suicide there, so he couldn’t have been asked, even if the -white ministers had been willing to unite with him. - -“The Presbyterian minister was finishing his sermon when I entered, and -soon as he had retired the Baptist minister got up and gave out a hymn -which was simply crowded with Baptist doctrine. I had often heard it, and -I remember that first verse, which ran this way: - - “‘I’d rather be a Baptist - And wear a smiling face, - Than for to be a Methodist - And always fall from grace.’ - -“The hymn was no sooner given out than the Methodist minister rose and -claimed a foul, on the ground that Baptist doctrine had been introduced -into a union meeting. There was no manner of doubt that he was right, -but the Baptists in the congregation sang the hymn with such enthusiasm -that they drowned the minister’s voice. But when the hymn was over there -was just a heavenly row. One Presbyterian deacon actually went so far -as to draw on a Baptist elder, and there would have been blood shed if -the elder had not knocked him down with a kerosene lamp, and convinced -him that drawing pistols in church was not the spirit of the Gospel. -Everybody was talking at once, and the women who were not scolding -were crying. The meeting was beginning to look like an enthusiastic -political meeting in Cork, when I rapped on the pulpit and called for -order. Everybody knew me and wanted to hear what I had to say, so the -meeting calmed down, except near the door, where the Methodists had got a -large Baptist jammed into the wood-box, and in the vestibule, where the -Unitarians had formed a ring to see the Unitarian minister argue with an -Unleavened Disciple. - -“I told the people that they were making a big mistake in trying to run -that sort of an entertainment without an umpire. The idea pleased them, -and before I knew what was going to be done they had passed a resolution -making me umpire and calling on me to decide whether the Baptist hymn -constituted a foul. I decided that it did not, on the ground that, -according to the original agreement, no minister was to preach any -sectarian doctrines, but that nothing was said about the hymns that might -be sung. Then I proposed that in order to prevent any future disputes and -to promote brotherly feeling, a new system of singing hymns should be -adopted. I said, as far as I can recollect, that singing hymns did not -come under the head of incidental music, but was a sort of _entr’acte_ -music, intended to relax and divert the audience while bracing up to -hear the next sermon. This being the case, it stood to reason that -hymn-singing should be made a real pleasure, and not an occasion for hard -feeling and the general heaving of books and foot-stools. ‘Now,’ said I, -‘that can be managed in this way. When you sing let everybody sing the -same tune, but each denomination sing whatever words it prefers to sing. -Everybody will sing his own doctrines, but nobody will have any call to -feel offended.’ - -“The idea was received with general enthusiasm, especially among the -young persons present, and the objections made by a few hard-headed -old conservatives were overruled. The next time singing was in order -the Unitarian minister selected a familiar short-metre tune, and each -minister told his private flock what hymn to sing to it. Everybody sang -at the top of his or her lungs, and as nobody ever understands the -words that anybody else is singing, there did not seem to be anything -strange in the singing of six different hymns to the same tune. There -was a moment when things were a little strained in consequence of the -Presbyterians, who were a strong body, and had got their second wind, -singing a verse about predestination with such vigor as partly to swamp -their rivals, but I decided that there was no foul, and the audience, -being rather tired with their exertions, settled down to listen to the -next sermon. - -“The next time it was the Methodist minister who gave out the tune, -and he selected one that nobody who was not born and bred a Methodist -had ever heard of. We used to sing something very much like it at the -windlass when I was a sailor, and it had a regular hurricane chorus. When -the Methodist contingent started in to sing their hymn to this tune, -not a note could any of the rival denominations raise. They stood it in -silence until two verses had been sung, and then—— - -“Well, I won’t undertake to describe what followed. After about five -minutes the Methodists didn’t feel like singing any more. In fact, -most of them were outside the meeting-house limping their way home, -and remarking that they had had enough of ‘thish yer fellowship with -other churches’ to last them for the rest of their lives. Inside the -meeting-house the triumphant majority were passing resolutions calling me -a depraved worldling, who, at the instigation of the devil, had tried to -convert a religious assemblage into an Orange riot. Even the Unitarians, -who always maintained that they did not believe in the devil, voted -for the resolutions, and three of them were appointed on the committee -charged with putting me out. I didn’t stay to hear any more sermons, but -I afterward understood that all the ministers preached at me, and that -the amount of union displayed in putting the blame of everything on my -shoulders was so touching that men who had been enemies for years shook -hands and called one another brothers. - -“Yes! we are an enterprising people in ecclesiastical matters, and I -calculate that it will be a long time before an English village will see -a first-class union meeting.” - - - - -A CLERICAL ROMANCE. - - -“If you want to know my opinion of women-preachers,” said the Colonel, -“I can give it to you straight. They draw well at first, but you can’t -depend upon them for a run. I have had considerable experience of them, -and at one time I thought well of them, but a woman, I think, is out of -place in the pulpit. - -“Although I never was a full member of the New Berlinopolisville -Methodist church, I was treated as a sort of honorary member, partly -because I subscribed pretty largely to the pastor’s salary, the annual -picnics, and that sort of thing, and partly because the deacons, knowing -that I had some little reputation as a theatrical manager and was a man -of from fair to middling judgment, used to consult me quietly about the -management of the church. There was a large Baptist church in the same -town, and its opposition was a little too much for us. The Baptist -house was crowded every Sunday, while ours was thin and discouraging. We -had a good old gentleman for a minister, but he was over seventy, and a -married man besides, which kept the women from taking much interest in -him; while his old-fashioned notions didn’t suit the young men of the -congregation. The Baptists, on the other hand, had a young unmarried -preacher, with a voice that you could hear a quarter of a mile off, and a -way of giving it to the Jews, and the Mormons, and other safe and distant -sinners that filled his hearers with enthusiasm and offended nobody. It -was growing more and more evident every day that our establishment was -going behindhand, and that something must be done unless we were willing -to close our doors and go into bankruptcy; so one day the whole board of -trustees and all the deacons came round to talk the matter over with me. - -“My mind was already made up, and I was only waiting to have my advice -asked before giving it. ‘What we want,’ said I, ‘is a woman-preacher. -She’ll be a sensation that will take the wind out of that Baptist -windmill, and if she is good-looking, which she has got to be, I will bet -you—that is, I am prepared to say—that within a fortnight there will be -standing-room only in the old Methodist church.’ - -“‘But what are we to do with Dr. Brewster?’ asked one of the deacons. ‘He -has been preaching to us now for forty years, and it don’t seem quite the -square thing to turn him adrift.’ - -“‘Oh! that’s all right,’ said I. ‘We’ll retire him on a pension, and -he’ll be glad enough to take it. As for your woman-preacher, I’ve got -just what you want. At least, I know where she is and how much we’ll -have to pay to get her. She’ll come fast enough for the same salary that -we are paying Dr. Brewster, and if she doesn’t double the value of your -pew-rents in six months, I will make up the deficit myself.’ - -“The trustees were willing to take my advice, and in the course of a few -days Dr. Brewster had been retired on half-pay, the church had extended a -call to the Rev. Matilda Marsh, and the reverend girl, finding that the -salary was satisfactory, accepted it. - -“She was only about twenty-five years old, and as pretty as a picture -when she stood in the pulpit in her black silk dress with a narrow -white collar, something like the sort of thing that your clergymen -wear. I couldn’t help feeling sad, when I first saw her, to think that -she did not go into the variety business or a circus, where she would -have made her fortune and the fortune of any intelligent manager. As -a dance-and-song artiste she would have been worth a good six hundred -dollars a week. But women are always wasting their talents, when they -have any, and doing exactly what Nature didn’t mean them to do. - -[Illustration: “THE REV. MATILDA MARSH.”] - -“Miss Marsh was a success from the moment that she came among us. Being -both unmarried and pretty, she naturally fetched the young men, and as -she let it be understood that she believed in the celibacy of the clergy -and never intended to marry under any circumstances, the greater part of -the women were willing to forgive her good looks. Then she could preach a -first-class sermon, and I call myself a judge of sermons, for at one time -I managed an agency for supplying preachers with ready-made sermons, and -I never put a single one on the market that I hadn’t read myself. I don’t -mean to say that Miss Marsh was strong on doctrinal sermons, but every -one knows that the public doesn’t want doctrinal sermons. What it wants -is poetry and pathos, and Miss Marsh used to ladle them out as if she had -been born and bred an undertaker’s poet. - -“As I had prophesied, the Baptists couldn’t stand the competition when -we opened with our woman-preacher. Their minister took to going to the -gymnasium to expand his chest, and by that means increased his lung-power -until he could be heard almost twice as far as formerly, but it didn’t -do any good. His congregation thinned out week by week, and while our -church was crowded, his pew-rents fell below what was necessary to pay -his salary, not to speak of the other incidental expenses. A few of -the young men continued to stick by him until our minister began her -series of sermons ‘To Young Men Only,’ and that brought them in. I had -the sermons advertised with big colored posters, and they proved to be -the most attractive thing ever offered to the religious public. The -church was crammed with young men, while lots of men of from fifty to -seventy years old joined the Young Men’s Christian Association as soon -as they heard of the course of sermons, and by that means managed to get -admission to hear them. Miss Marsh preached to young men on the vices -of the day, such as drinking, and card-playing, and dancing, and going -to the theatre, and she urged them to give up these dissipations and -cultivate their minds. Some of them started a Browning Club that for a -time was very popular. Every time the club met one of Browning’s poems -would be selected by the president, and each member who put up a dollar -was allowed to guess its meaning. The man who made the best guess took -all the money, and sometimes there was as much as thirty dollars in the -pool. The young men told Miss Marsh that they had given up poker and -gone in for Browning, and of course she was greatly pleased. Then some -of the older men started a Milton Club, and used to cut for drinks by -putting a knife-blade into ‘Paradise Lost’—the man who made it open at -a page the first letter of which was nearer to the head of the alphabet -than any letter cut by any other man winning the game. Under Miss Marsh’s -influence a good many other schemes for mental cultivation were invented -and put into operation, and everybody said that that noble young woman -was doing an incalculable amount of good. - -“As a matter of course, at least half the young men of the congregation -fell in love with the girl-preacher. They found it very difficult to make -any progress in courting her, for she wouldn’t listen to any conversation -on the subject. When Christmas came, the question what to give her kept -the young men awake night after night. The women had an easy job, for -they could give the preacher clothes, and lace, and hairpins, and such, -which the young men knew that they could not give without taking a -liberty. If she had been a man, slippers would, of course, have been the -correct thing, but the young men felt that they couldn’t work slippers -for a girl that always wore buttoned boots, and that if they did venture -upon such a thing the chances were that she would feel herself insulted. -One chap thought of working on the front of an underskirt—if that is the -right name of it—I mean one of those petticoats that are built for show -rather than use—the words, ‘Bless our Pastor,’ in yellow floss silk, but -when he asked his sister to lend him one of her skirts as a model, she -told him that he was the champion fool of the country. You may ask, why -didn’t the preacher’s admirers give her jewelry? For the reason that -she never wore anything of the kind except a pair of ear-rings that her -mother had given her, and which she had promised always to wear. They -represented chestnut-burs, and it is clear to my mind that her mother -knew that no young man who had much regard for his eyesight would come -very near a girl defended by that sort of ear-ring. Miss Marsh used to -say that other people could wear what they thought right, but she felt it -to be inconsistent with her holy calling to wear any jewelry except the -ear-rings that her sainted mother had given her. - -“The best running was undoubtedly made by the cashier of the savings bank -and a young lawyer. Not that either of them had any real encouragement -from Miss Marsh, but she certainly preferred them to the rest of the -field, and was on what was certainly entitled to be called friendly terms -with both of them. Of the two the cashier was by far the most devoted. -He was ready to do anything that might give him a chance of winning. He -even wanted to take a class in the Sunday-school, but the bank directors -forbade it. They said it would impair the confidence of the public in the -bank, and would be pretty sure to bring about a run which the bank might -not be able to stand. They consented, however, that he should become -the president of the new temperance society which the Rev. Miss Marsh -had started, as the president had the right to buy wines and liquors at -wholesale in order to have them analyzed, and thus show how poisonous -they were. As the cashier offered to stand in with the bank directors -and let them fill their cellars at wholesale rates, both he and the -directors made a good thing of it. - -“The other young man, the lawyer, was a different sort of chap. He was -one of those fellows that begin to court a girl by knocking her down with -a club. I don’t mean to say that he ever actually knocked a woman down, -but his manner toward women was that of a superior being, instead of a -slave, and I am bound to say that as a general thing the women seemed -to like it. He wasn’t a handsome man, like the cashier, but he had a -big yellow beard that any sensible girl would have held to be worth -twice the smooth-shaved cheek of his rival. He never tried to join the -Sunday-school or the temperance society, or do anything else of the kind -to curry favor with the minister; but he used occasionally to give her -good advice, and to tell her that this or that thing which she was doing -was a mistake. Indeed, he didn’t hesitate to tell her that she had no -business in the pulpit, and had better go out as a governess or a circus -rider, and so conform to the dictates of Nature. - -[Illustration: “MAKING THE RUNNING.”] - -“I used to watch the game pretty closely, because I had staked my -professional reputation on the financial success of the girl-preacher, -and I didn’t want her to marry and so put an end to her attractiveness -with the general public. I didn’t really think that there was much danger -of any such thing, for Miss Marsh seemed to be entirely absorbed in her -work, and her salary was exceptionally large. Still, you can never tell -when a woman will break the very best engagement, and that is one reason -why they will never succeed as preachers. You pay a man a good salary, -and he will never find that Providence calls him elsewhere, unless, of -course, he has a very much better offer; but a woman-preacher is capable -of throwing up a first-class salary because she don’t like the color of a -deacon’s hair, or because the upholstery of the pulpit doesn’t match with -her complexion. - -“That winter we had a very heavy fall of snow, and after that the -sleighing was magnificent for the next month or two. The cashier made the -most of it by taking the minister out sleigh-riding two or three times a -week. The lawyer did not seem to care anything about it, even when he saw -the minister whirling along the road behind the best pair of horses in -the town, with the cashier by her side and her lap full of caramels. But -one Saturday afternoon, when he knew that the cashier would be detained -at the bank until very late—the president having just skipped to Canada, -and it being necessary to ascertain the amount of the deficit without -delay—the lawyer hired a sleigh and called for the minister. Although -she was preparing her next day’s sermon by committing to memory a lot of -Shelley’s poetry, she dropped Shelley and had on her best hat and was -wrapped in the buffalo robe by the side of the lawyer in less than half -an hour after she had told him that she positively wouldn’t keep him -waiting three minutes. - -[Illustration: “CALLED FOR THE MINISTER.”] - -“You remember what I said about the peculiar pattern of her ear-rings. It -is through those ear-rings that the Methodist church lost its minister, -and I became convinced that a female ministry is not a good thing to tie -to. Miss Marsh and her admirer were driving quietly along and enjoying -themselves in a perfectly respectable way, when one runner of the -sleigh went over a good-sized log that had dropped from somebody’s load -of wood and had been left in the road. The sleigh didn’t quite upset, -but Miss Marsh was thrown against the lawyer with a shock for which -she apologized, and he thanked her. But it happened that one of her -ear-rings caught in the lawyer’s beard, and was so twisted up with it -that it was impossible to disentangle it. Unless Miss Marsh was ready to -drag about half her companion’s heard out by the roots, there was nothing -to be done except for her to sit with her cheek close against his until -some third person could manage to disentangle the ear-ring. While she -was in this painful position—at least she said at the time that it was -painful—a sleigh containing two of her deacons and a prominent Baptist -drove by. Miss Marsh saw them and saw the horrified expression on their -faces. She knew quick enough that her usefulness as a minister in New -Berlinopolisville was at an end and that there was going to be a terrible -scandal. So, being a woman, she burst into tears and said that she wished -she were dead. - -“But the lawyer was equal to the occasion. He told her that there was -nothing left to be done except for them to be married and disentangled at -the next town. Then he would take her on a long wedding-trip, stopping -at Chicago to buy some clothes, and that if she so wished they would -afterward settle in some other town, instead of coming back to New -Berlinopolisville. Of course she said that the proposal was not to be -thought of for a moment, and of course she accepted it within the next -ten minutes. They drove to the house of the nearest minister, and the -minister’s wife disentangled them, to save time, while the minister was -engaged in marrying them. - -“That was the end of the experiment of playing a woman-preacher on the -boards of the First Methodist Church of Berlinopolisville. Everybody was -content to call a man in the place of Miss Marsh, and everybody agreed -to blame me for the failure of the experiment. I don’t know whether the -lawyer ever had any reason to regret his marriage or not, but when I saw -his wife at a fancy dress hall at Chicago, a year or two later, I could -see that she was not sorry that she had given up the ministry. Ever since -that time I have been opposed to women-preachers, and consider a woman in -the pulpit as much out of place as a deacon in the ballet.” - - - - -A MYSTERY. - - -“Do I believe in spiritualism?” repeated the Colonel. “Well, you wouldn’t -ask me that question if you knew that I had been in the business myself. -I once ran a ‘Grand Spiritual Combination Show.’ I had three first-class -mediums, who did everything, from knocking on a table to materializing -Napoleon, or Washington, or any of your dead friends. It was a good -business while it lasted, but, unfortunately, we showed one night in a -Texas town before a lot of cowboys. One of them brought his lasso under -his coat, and when the ghost of William Penn appeared the cowboy lassoed -him and hauled him in, hand over hand, for further investigation. The -language William Penn used drove all the ladies out of the place, and -his want of judgment in tackling the cowboy cost him all his front -teeth. I and the other mediums and the doorkeeper had to take a hand -in the manifestation, and the result was that the whole Combination was -locked up over-night, and the fines that we had to pay made me tired of -spiritualism. - -“No, sir! I don’t believe in spiritualism, but for all that there are -curious things in the world. Why is it that if a man’s name is Charles -G. Haseltine he will lose his right leg in a railway accident? The -police some years ago wanted a Charles G. Haseltine with a wooden right -leg in the State of Massachusetts, and they found no less than five -Charles G. Haseltines, and every one of them had lost his right leg in -a railway accident. What makes it all the more curious is that they -were no relation to one another, and not one of them had ever heard of -the existence of the others. Then, will someone tell me what is the -connection between darkies and chickens? I say ‘darkies’ instead of -‘niggers’ because I had a colored regiment on my right flank at the -battle of Corinth, and that night I swore I would never say ‘nigger’ -again. However, that don’t concern you. What I meant to say was that -there is a connection between darkies and chickens which nobody has ever -yet explained. Of course no darky can resist the temptation to steal a -chicken. Everybody knows that. Why, I knew a colored minister who was as -honest a man as the sun ever tried to tan—and failed—and I have known -him to preach a sermon with a chicken that he had lifted on his way -to meeting shoved up under his vest. He wouldn’t have stolen a dollar -bill if he was starving, but he would steal every chicken that he could -lay his hands on, no matter if his own chicken-house was crowded with -chickens. It’s in the blood—or the skin—and no darky can help it. - -“What was I going to say about the connection between darkies and -chickens? I had very nearly forgotten it. This was what I was referring -to. A chicken will draw a darky just as a dead sheep will draw vultures -in Egypt, though there may have been no vultures within twenty miles -when the sheep was killed. You may be living in a town where there isn’t -a single darky within ten miles, but if you put up a chicken-house and -stock it there will be darkies in the town within twenty-four hours, and -just so long as your chicken-house has a chicken in it fresh darkies -will continue to arrive from all sections of the country. This beats any -trick that I ever saw a spiritual medium perform, and I can’t see the -explanation of it. You may say that some one carries word to the darkies -that there is a new chicken-house waiting to be visited, but the answer -to this is that it isn’t true. My own idea is that it is a matter of -instinct. When you carry a cat twenty miles away from home in a bag and -let her out, we all know that her instinct will show her the way home -again before you can get there yourself. Just in the same way instinct -will draw a darky to a chicken-house he has never seen or heard of. -You’ll say that to talk about instinct doesn’t explain the matter. That -is true enough, but it makes you feel as if you had struck the trail, -which is some satisfaction at any rate. So far as I can see, that is -about all that scientific theories ever do. - -[Illustration: “PREACH A SERMON WITH A CHICKEN UNDER HIS VEST.”] - -“If you care to listen, I’ll tell you what happened within my knowledge -in connection with darkies and chickens. I was located a little after the -war in the town of South Constantinople, in the western part of Illinois, -and my next-door neighbor was Colonel Ephraim J. Hickox, who commanded -the 95th Rhode Island Regiment. The town was a growing place, and it had -the peculiarity that there wasn’t a darky in it. The nearest one lived -over at West Damascus, seven miles away, and there was only two of him—he -and his wife. Another curious thing about the place was the scarcity -of labor. There weren’t above a dozen Irishmen in the place, and they -wouldn’t touch a spade or a hoe under three dollars a day, and wouldn’t -work more than four days in a week. You see, a certain amount of digging -and gardening had to be done, and there wasn’t anybody to do it except -these Irishmen, so they naturally made a good thing of it, working half -the time and holding meetings for the redemption of Ireland the rest of -the time in the bar-room of the International Hotel. - -“One day Colonel Ephraim, as I always used to call him, wanted to drain -his pasture lot, and he hired the Irishmen to dig a ditch about a quarter -of a mile long. They would dig for a day, and then they would knock off -and attend to suffering Ireland, till Ephraim, who was a quick-tempered -man, was kept in a chronic state of rage. He had no notion of going -into politics, so he didn’t care a straw what the Irishmen thought of -him, and used to talk to them as free as if they couldn’t vote. Why, he -actually refused to subscribe to a dynamite fund and for a gold crown to -be presented to Mr. Gladstone, and you can judge how popular he was in -Irish circles. I used to go down to Ephraim’s pasture every once in a -while to see how his ditch was getting along, and one afternoon I found -the whole lot of Irishmen lying on the grass smoking instead of working, -and Ephraim in the very act of discharging them. - -“‘Perhaps it’s “nagurs” that you’d be preferring,’ said one of the men, -as they picked themselves up and made ready to leave. - -“‘You bet it is,’ said Ephraim, ‘and, what’s more, I’ll have that ditch -finished by darkies before the week is out.’ This seemed to amuse the -Irishmen, for they went away in good spirits, in spite of the language -that had been hove at them, and it amused me too, for I knew that there -were no darkies to be had, no matter what wages a man might be willing to -pay. I said as much to Ephraim, who, instead of taking it kindly, grew -madder than ever, and said, ‘Colonel! I’ll bet you fifty dollars that -I’ll have that ditch finished by darkies inside of four days, and that -they’ll do all the digging without charging me a dollar.’ - -“‘If you’re going to send over into Kentucky and import negro labor,’ -said I, ‘you can do it, and get your ditch dug, but you’ll have to pay -either the darkies or the contractor who furnishes them.’ - -“‘I promise you not to pay a dollar to anybody, contractor or nigger. -And I won’t ask anybody to send me a single man. What I’m betting on is -that the darkies will come to my place of their own accord and work for -nothing. Are you going to take the bet or ain’t you?’ - -“I didn’t hesitate any longer, but I took the bet, thinking that -Ephraim’s mind was failing, and that it was a Christian duty in his -friends to see that if he did fool away his money, it should go into -their pockets instead of the pockets of outsiders. But, as you will see, -Ephraim didn’t lose that fifty dollars. - -“Early the next morning Ephraim had a couple of masons employed in -turning his brick smoke-house into a chicken-house, and he had two -dozen chickens with their legs tied lying on the grass waiting for the -chicken-house to be finished. The masons broke a hole through the side -of the house and lined it with steel rods about four feet long, which -Ephraim had bought to use in some experiments in gun-making that he was -always working at. The rods were set in a circle which was about a foot -and a half wide at one end and tapered to about four inches at the other -end. The arrangement was just like the wire entrance to a mouse-trap, -of the sort that is meant to catch mice alive and never does it. It was -nothing less than a darky-trap, although Ephraim pretended that it was a -combined ventilator and front door for the chickens. The masons, so far -as I could judge, thought that Ephraim’s mind was going fast, and I made -up my mind that it would be a sin to let the man bet with anybody who -would be disposed to take advantage of his infirmity. - -[Illustration: “‘DUNNO!’”] - -“The trap was finished before dark, and baited with two dozen young -chickens. I came by the place a second time about sunset, just as -Ephraim was locking up his chicken-house, and I saw a small darky boy -leaning on the fence. I asked him where he came from, but he only said -‘Dunno.’ I found out afterward that he came from a house at least ten -miles away, and that those two dozen chickens had drawn him there wasn’t -a shadow of doubt in my mind. At the time, however, I was a little -afraid that Ephraim had begun to import colored labor, and that there -was some trick about his bet that might prove that his mind was all -right. Two days afterward I went down to the pasture and found sixteen -darkies digging away at that ditch and Ephraim superintending with a -twenty-five-cent cigar in his mouth. ‘Come to pay that fifty dollars, -I suppose!’ he said when he saw me. ‘You can wait till the ditch is -finished, which will be some time to-day. You see I was as good as my -word.’ - -“I asked him to explain how he had collected his darkies, and being in -unusually good spirits he told me about it. - -“He had made his trap just large enough to admit a good-sized darky, who -could push the steel rods apart as he crawled in but who couldn’t crawl -out again, no matter how hard he might try. The morning after he had set -the trap Ephraim took his shot-gun and went down to his chicken-house. -He found that the night’s catch had been larger than he had hoped. There -were sixteen colored men of different sizes sitting on the ground or -leaning up against the side of the house. There was a good deal of wool -and cloth sticking to the ends of the steel rods, and some of the younger -darkies looked as if they had been fighting with wild-cats, but they -didn’t try to explain things. Besides the darkies, there were two white -tramps in the trap, but Ephraim just kicked them into the streets without -even proposing work to them. Then he came back and told the darkies that -the legislature had just passed a bill making it felony to break into a -chicken-house, and that he was very much afraid that they would be hung -and dissected, unless they could show him some reason for being merciful -to them. - -“The darkies were frightened, besides being hungry and cold, and when -Ephraim said that he had a job of ditching to be done, and that if -they would do it for him he would let them off scot-free, they were -delighted, and the whole chicken-house was lit up with their teeth. They -went into that ditch a happy and contented gang and finished it before -night. Ephraim was a liberal man, and considering that he had won fifty -dollars and had got his ditch finished for nothing, he was disposed to be -generous. So he gave the darkies a lot of good advice and informed them -that, with a view of removing temptation from their way, he should sell -his chickens and go out of the business. The darkies went away as happy -as if they had been well paid, and the next morning there wasn’t a darky -in the whole town. They had gone back to their homes, or else they had -been drawn somewhere else by other chickens. - -“Do I mean to say that Ephraim had not made arrangements with some one -to send him those sixteen darkies? That is just what I do mean to say. -When he fitted up his chicken-house he had no more idea where his darkies -would come from than I had, but he knew that the chickens would draw -darkies and that his trap would hold them, so he felt that he had a sure -thing. I have no more doubt that those darkies were drawn to Ephraim’s -place by those chickens than I have that a magnet will draw a needle. I -can’t explain how it was done, but I believe it all the same. It is what -is called a mystery, and the good book says that the less you try to -explain mysteries the better.” - - - - -MY BROTHER ELIJAH. - - -“I never told you about my brother, the inventor, did I?” asked the -Colonel. “Speaking of flying-machines reminds me of him, for he invented -seven of them, and one of the lot was a stunning success. Stunned one -darky and came very near stunning a whole camp-meeting of darkies. My -brother Lije—his name was Elijah—was what you might call a general -inventor. He didn’t stick to any one line, such as electricity, for -example, but he would invent anything, from a woman’s pocket to a new -motive power. He invented a pocket for a woman’s skirt that was warranted -never to be found by the most expert pickpocket, and he put the pocket -in the skirt of his wife’s dress on trial. She searched for it for about -a month—not all the time, you understand, but on an average three or -four hours a day—and then gave it up. She said she could always find -her usual old-fashioned pocket in the course of a week or ten days, and -that was as much time as she could afford to waste on the subject. As for -Elijah’s perpetual-motion machines, he invented a new one at least every -year, and the loft in our barn was always full of them. Of course they -were failures, but that did not discourage Lije. You can’t discourage -a born inventor—that is, unless he is in the chemical line and blows -himself up with some new kind of dynamite. Lije’s inventions were, to my -mind, as smart as those of Edison, but the trouble with them was that for -the most part they wouldn’t work. However, they amused him and did no -harm to anybody. - -[Illustration: “ELIJAH.”] - -“My brother was not in the least like me in anything. He was short and -stout and the best-tempered man in the State. Everybody liked him, -especially the darkies, who said that there was no more harm in him -than if he was a child. I’ve seen him when he had just accidentally -chopped off a finger or had burnt all his hair off, and I never heard -him use the smallest swear-word. I never could see why he got married. -A man with that sort of heavenly temper doesn’t need the discipline -that other folks need, and he was too much absorbed in science to have -any time to associate with a wife. He spent nearly all his time in his -workshop monkeying with his inventions, and his only companion was a -darky boy, about twelve years old, named Aristophanes, who waited on him -and was so fond of him that there is nothing that Lije told him to do -that Aristophanes wouldn’t do. If Lije had invented a new guillotine and -wanted to try it on Aristophanes’ neck, the boy would have consented to -have his head chopped off, and would never have doubted that Massa Lije -would put it on again without even leaving a scar. - -“You were speaking of this new flying-machine that somebody had just -invented and that acts on the principle of a kite. ‘Resistance of an -inclined plane to the air’ is what you called it, but that means kite, -and nothing else. Why, Elijah invented that machine forty years ago, and -it was one of his greatest successes, the only one, in fact, that I ever -remember his making. When I say that it was successful, I don’t mean to -say that it was practicable. It would rise and it would carry a man with -it, but it never came into general use, for it was about impossible to -get the man down again without killing him. Next to a Swiss excursion -steamboat, it was the riskiest mode of locomotion ever invented. - -“The way in which Lije’s machine was constructed was very simple. You -must have seen what we boys used to call a spider-web kite. If you -haven’t, I might as well tell you that it is made with three sticks that -cross one another at the same point in about the middle of the kite, or -rather a little above the middle, and gave the kite something the shape -and look of a big spider-web. Lije was fond of kite-flying, and was -always trying to make improvements in kite-building, which were naturally -failures, for you can be sure that the millions of boys that have been -making kites ever since boys were first invented know a great sight more -about kites than any scientific man knows. - -“Elijah’s flying-machine was nothing more or less than the biggest -spider-web kite that was ever built. The sticks were ash poles an inch -in diameter, and they were covered with silk instead of paper. I forget -the exact dimensions of the kite, but according to Lije’s calculations -it would sustain a hundred and fifty pounds of human being, in addition -to its own weight and the weight of its tail. The question of the exact -amount of tail that the kite would require gave Lije a good deal of -trouble, but he solved it like a man of science by sending up an ordinary -kite and finding by experiment how much tail it needed, after which he -calculated by the rule of three how much tail to give his flying-machine. -In order to get the necessary weight without too great length, the tail -of the flying-machine was made of light iron chain, and at the end of -it there was an iron hook, so that a lantern could be attached to it at -night. As for the string that was to hold the kite, it was about the size -of a ship’s signal-halyards, and Lije calculated that it would bear twice -the amount of any strain that could possibly be put on it. - -“Aristophanes was to make the trial trip, and he was perfectly willing -to go, never having the least doubt that Massa Lije would secure him a -safe and pleasant trip to the moon or thereabouts. Lije fastened the boy -in the centre of the kite, in about the position of some celebrated -Scotchman—St. Andrew, wasn’t it?—whose picture is in Fox’s ‘Book of -Martyrs.’ Aristophanes’ arms and legs were lashed to the kite sticks, and -he had a sort of rest for each foot, so as to take the strain from off -the lashings. In order to make him comfortable, Lije fastened a pillow -under the boy’s head, so that he could go to sleep in case he should -feel sleepy, which he nearly always did. If Aristophanes could only have -managed to take his dinner with him and eat it in the air, he would have -been about as happy as a darky can be, and an average darky can hold more -happiness to the square inch than any white man. - -“The trial trip was made from the back yard of our house, and nobody was -present except Lije and Aristophanes, for my brother was a little shy -of exhibiting his inventions in public, owing to their habit of proving -failures. The kite was laid on the ground, and Aristophanes was strapped -to it and told that he must keep perfectly cool and remember everything -that he might see in the clouds. When all was ready, the kite was leaned -up against the side of the barn, with the tail neatly coiled so that it -would not foul anything, and then Elijah, taking a good run with the -string over his shoulder, had the satisfaction of making the kite climb -up as if it had been made by the best boy kite-builder in town. - -“Holding the string was rather a tough job, for the kite pulled -tremendously, and Lije was not a strong man. However, he paid out the -line as fast as he could, and so managed to keep the kite steady. He was -a little afraid that it would accidentally get away from him, so he tied -the end of the string round his waist. There was where he made his great -mistake. - -[Illustration: “ELIJAH’S FLYING-MACHINE.”] - -“The kite attracted a good deal of attention in the town, and everybody -agreed that the figure in the middle of the kite was a remarkably good -representation of a darky, but nobody thought for a moment that it was -a genuine darky. Lije had forgotten, in estimating the amount of tail -that the kite required, the fact that the wind might rise while the kite -was in the air, and that in such case the amount of tail might not be -enough to keep it from diving. That is just what happened. After the kite -had run out all the string and was as high as the string would let it -go, the wind increased and the kite began to dive. Now, everybody knows -that diving is one of the most dangerous things a kite can do, and that -unless it can be stopped it is sure to bring the kite down and smash it -to pieces. Moreover, in this particular case there was Aristophanes, -who was pretty sure to be frightened by the diving of the kite—that is, -supposing that he was awake. When a kite dives the only remedy is to -give it string. As Lije had no more string to let out he was obliged to -do the next best thing, which was to slack the string by running with it -toward the kite. That stopped the diving, but only for a moment. Every -time that Lije tried to stop running and managed to hold back a little -against the kite, it would begin to dive again, and about half the time -was describing circles in the air and turning Aristophanes upside down. -However, Lije knew that so long as he could keep the kite from dashing -itself to the ground the darky would come to no harm. - -“The wind kept on increasing and the kite pulled harder than ever. Even -if Lije had not wanted to run, the kite would have dragged him. He went -through the town at about eight miles an hour, yelling to everybody he -met, ‘Gimme some string!’ But nobody understood what he said, and they -all thought that it was a good joke to see a fat little man careering -over the country in tow of a big kite. Of course they supposed that -Lije was acting of his own free will and accord. They knew that he was -peculiar in his ways, and they fancied that he was taking a little -holiday after his hard work. So beyond encouraging him to keep it up and -remarking to one another that ‘Lije was the most amusing darned fool in -the county,’ they paid no attention to his outcries. - -“My brother was not used to active exercise and had next to no wind. The -longer he ran with the kite, the more he felt convinced that a tragedy -was about to happen. If he kept on running he believed he would drop dead -with stoppage of the heart, and if he stopped running he knew that the -kite would dash Aristophanes to pieces; and though, of course, it was not -as if Aristophanes had been a white boy, still there was the chance that -his parents would be disagreeable if he were killed. They were ordinary -ignorant darkies, with no sort of love for science. But Lije had grit in -him, in spite of all the science that he had pumped into his head. He -stuck to the kite-string, and ran his level best until the moment came -when he was unable to catch another breath. Then he threw himself against -a telegraph pole and clung to it with all his might. The kite couldn’t -drag him away from it, and so it gave one tremendous dive, and Lije felt -by the sudden slackening of the string that the kite had reached the -ground. - -[Illustration: “HIT THE REV. JULIUS CÆSAR WASHINGTON ON THE SIDE OF THE -HEAD.”] - -“It came down in the middle of a negro camp-meeting that was in progress -about a quarter of a mile away. The spot was a sandy one, and the kite, -which naturally fell head downward, buried the ends of its upper sticks -in the sand, and did no injury whatever to Aristophanes. The chain tail, -however, damaged the eye of the Rev. Hannibal Blue, and then hit the -Rev. Julius Cæsar Washington on the side of the head and stunned him -for half an hour. There was a good deal of excitement in the camp when -Aristophanes descended. Most of the colored people were of the opinion -that he was an angel who had come down to express his satisfaction with -the services, though the Rev. Mr. Blue was strongly of the opinion that -Aristophanes was the devil in person, who was seeking to buffet the -faithful. In time, however, Aristophanes was recognized as the private -servant of Massa Lije, and was released from the kite and allowed to -return to Lije’s workshop to report the result of his voyage in the -flying-machine. - -“The flying-machine was never tried again. Lije had had enough of it, -and besides, some of the Rev. Mr. Blue’s friends, who were not exactly -what you would call law-abiding citizens, sent Lije word that they -rather thought that if he quit inventing things he would live longer -than he otherwise might. Aristophanes didn’t seem to think anything of -his adventure, and said he was ready to go up again whenever Massa Lije -should want to send him. But Lije told him that he intended to make a -little modification in his flying-machine before using it again. That -was what he always said when he gave an invention up as a bad job, and -accordingly nobody ever saw or heard of the flying-machine again. He was -a remarkable man, was my brother, and the doctor of the asylum where he -spent his declining years said that he was the most interesting lunatic -that he had ever met.” - - - - -THE ST. BERNARD MYTH. - - -Some one had told a dog-story showing the miraculous intelligence -and profound piety of a French poodle. The Colonel listened with an -incredulous smile on his grim face. When the story was ended and we -had all expressed our surprise and admiration, as is the custom when -dog-stories are told, and had carefully suppressed our conviction that -the man who told the story was as impudent as he was mendacious—as is -also the custom on these occasions—I asked the Colonel to favor us with -his views in regard to canine sagacity. - -“There are dogs that show signs of good sense now and then,” he replied. -“Even human beings do that occasionally. But as to these yarns about dogs -who calculate eclipses and have conscientious objections to chasing cats -on Sunday, I don’t believe a word of them. Talk about fish-stories! -Why, there isn’t a fish caught or uncaught that can begin to stimulate -the imagination to the extent that a dog will stimulate it. I have -known fishermen who could convert two minnows into a string of thirty -trout, averaging two pounds each, and I have seen these men slink away -crestfallen before a man who told stories of what his fox-terrier had -done the day before. What I don’t understand is why people pretend to -believe dog-stories. We all know that the dog is a well-meaning, stupid, -parish-vestry sort of an animal, but we listen to the thumpers that some -men tell about him without even a cough. - -[Illustration: “THE MONKS SHIED PRAYER-BOOKS AND WOODEN SANDALS AT THEM.”] - -“Look at the lies that have been told for the last hundred years about -the St. Bernard dogs! People really believe that when a snow-storm comes -on the St. Bernard dog goes out with a blanket, a flask of whiskey, a -spirit-lamp, a box of matches, some mustard plasters, and a foot-bath -strapped on his back. When he meets a frozen traveller we are told that -he sits down and lights his spirit-lamp, mixes some hot-whiskey and -pours it down the traveller’s throat, gives him a hot foot-bath, puts -mustard plasters on the soles of his feet, rubs him down and wraps him -up in the blanket, and then hoists him on his back and brings him to the -convent, where the monks put him to bed and read prayers to him till he -feels strong enough to put some money in the contribution-box and to -continue his journey. Now, I’ve been to the St. Bernard Convent. I went -there just to meet one of these dogs and see for myself what he could -do. There was a pack of about forty of them, but the only thing they -did was to sit up all night and bark at the moon, while the monks shied -prayer-books and wooden sandals at them out of the windows. I wanted to -see a few travellers rescued from the snow, but the monks said the supply -of travellers had been running low of late years; still, they added, if -I’d go and sleep in a snow-bank a mile or two from the convent, they -would see what could be done. I wasn’t going to risk the forfeiture of -my life-insurance policy by any such foolishness as that, so I came away -without seeing any dog performance. However, I saw enough, a little later -on, to convince me that the St. Bernard dog is about the biggest kind of -canine fool that ever imposed on credulous people. - -“The monks had a whole penful of genuine St. Bernard puppies, and -I bought one. I am ashamed to tell you how much I paid for it. -I could hire an army mule to kick me every time I think of the -transaction. I took the puppy to the States with me—I was living at -New Berlinopolisville, in the State of Iowa, at the time—and brought -him up as carefully as if he had been my own son. He grew to be a big, -rough-haired dog—one of the biggest I ever saw. And I can’t say that -the monks cheated me in respect to his breed. Of course it was all a -matter of luck that he didn’t turn out to be a poodle or a black and -tan terrier. The fact is that no man or monk knows what one of those -pure-blooded St. Bernard pups that are sold at the convent will turn out -to be when he gets his growth. He is liable to be anything in the line of -dog, from a yellow cur up to a Siberian bloodhound. I once knew a man who -bought a St. Bernard pup from one of the very holiest of the entire gang -of monks, and that puppy grew up to be a red fox. But you all know of the -St. Bernard puppy lottery, and I won’t take up your time commenting on it. - -[Illustration: “SAID THE DOG HAD PROMISED THEM A DRINK.”] - -“The monks told me that the puppy would not need the least training. His -instinct was so wonderful that the moment he should catch a glimpse of -snow on the ground he would rush off to rescue travellers. ‘You just -load him up with blankets and things,’ said the monk, ‘and send him out -in the snow, and he’ll rescue travellers till you can’t rest.’ The dog -was nearly a year old before I had a chance to try his powers, but one -November we had a regular blizzard, and when the snow quit falling it -was at least two feet deep on a level, not to speak of the drifts. - -“After breakfast I tied a whiskey-flask around the dog’s neck and put a -blanket on his back, and told him to go out and begin his blessed work -of mercy. I was alone in the house at the time, for my wife had gone on -a visit to her mother and the cook had got herself arrested for being -drunk and disorderly, so there was no one to make any objection to my use -of one of my wife’s best blankets. The dog barked with delight when he -saw the snow, and rolled in it for a few moments just so as to get the -blanket good and wet, and then he started down the street at a gallop. -I lived something more than a mile from the village, and there were no -houses nearer than half a mile, and as the dog took the road leading -away from the village, I did not think that he would stand much chance -of picking up any travellers. He didn’t return until noon, and then he -didn’t bring anybody home on his back. He did, however, bring six tramps -with him, three of whom were pretty drunk, they having drank all the -whiskey in the flask. The other three said that the dog had promised -them a drink if they would follow him, and they hoped that I would be -as good as the dog’s word. As I wasn’t armed, and as the tramps carried -big sticks and evidently meant business, I judged it best to sustain the -dog’s character for veracity and get rid of them peaceably. They went -away after wrestling with a pint of good whiskey, and all the time that -idiotic dog was wagging his tail as if he deserved the Humane Society’s -medal, instead of deserving a thrashing for trying to rescue tramps when -Nature had taken the trouble to furnish a blizzard expressly to thin them -out. - -“I explained to the dog with my riding-whip the view that he must take -of tramps in the future, and then I sent him out again, after filling up -his whiskey-flask and giving him another blanket in the place of the one -that the tramps had stolen. I told him that in future I should prefer to -have him rescue women and children, especially the latter, and that if he -found a frozen male traveller he had better confine himself to giving -information to the police, instead of lavishing whiskey on possibly -undeserving people. He went off, somewhat humbled, but still in excellent -spirits, and in a short time rushed up my front steps, dropped something -on the door-mat, and rushed off again. At first I thought that the idiot -had been rescuing somebody’s linen that had been hung out to dry, but -when the linen began to make remarks in a loud voice, I found that it was -a particularly lively baby. - -“Of course I couldn’t let the little innocent lie and freeze on my -doorstep, so I brought it into the house and did my best to quiet it. As -I had never had much experience with babies, I found myself in a pretty -tight place. I had no milk to give the baby, so I mixed a little flour -and water till it looked like milk and got a little of it down the baby’s -throat. Then I shook it on my knee till it dropped asleep. I put it in my -bed, intending to go out and find some woman who would come and attend -to it, when I heard the dog barking, and on opening the front door saw -his tail disappearing down the street, and saw that he had left another -infant on the door-mat. - -“The first baby was a saint in comparison with this one, which was a -sort of infantile tramp in appearance and was as noisy as it was dirty. -It would not have anything to do with the flour and water, and though I -shook it on my knee till I must have loosened all its organs, it refused -to go to sleep. So I finally gave it a rubber overshoe to bite on, and -put it in a bureau drawer in the spare room and told it to howl its head -off if it felt that such was its duty toward mankind. Then I started a -second time to search for a woman, and I nearly fell over a third baby -on the doorstep. That infernal dog had brought it while I was struggling -with the infantile tramp, and he was now off searching for more infants. -I wrapped this one up in a blanket and sat down on the doorstep with it, -resolved to wait till that dog came back and to lock him up till I could -get enough babies off my hands to give me a chance to kill him. I was -bound not to miss him, for if I did he would probably keep on till he -had brought me all the babies in the county. This baby was the best of -the lot, for it slept in my arms without saying a word or expressing the -slightest desire to be shaken. In about twenty minutes the dog reappeared -with another invoice of babies. This time he brought a brace of twins, -as nearly as I could judge, but it was his last exploit that day. I got -him by the collar before he could start out again and locked him up in -the cellar. The babies I put in a heap in a big clothes-basket that they -could not climb out of, and left them to have a crying-match for the -championship till I could find a nurse. - -“I didn’t have as much trouble in that matter as I had anticipated, for -before I could get out of the house some one rang the front-door bell and -pounded and yelled as if it was a matter of life and death that the door -should be opened instantly. I opened it, and there was a woman who called -me every name she could lay her tongue to, and wanted me to give her back -her baby instantly. I showed her the babies and told her to take her -choice. In fact, I begged her to take away the whole lot, but she said I -was worse than a murderer, and after selecting one of the least desirable -of the babies, she rushed off with it, promising to send me a policeman -immediately. I had never expressed the least desire to see a policeman, -but such is female gratitude! I had offered that woman five babies, free, -gratis, and for nothing, and instead of being grateful she wanted to get -me into trouble. - -“I had still four babies on my hands, and as they were now all awake -and making all the noise they knew how to make, I put them all in the -clothes-basket together, so they could enjoy one another’s society. It -wasn’t a bad plan, and I recommend it to any mother with a noisy pair of -twins, as it is certain to reduce the noise by one-half. Two of my babies -were so occupied with putting their fingers in the other babies’ eyes and -in investigating their hair that they had no time to cry. I admit that -the two who were undergoing investigation did their best to make a riot, -but even then there was only half as much noise as there would have been -had the other two joined the concert. - -“I thought it so probable that the mother who had visited me was only the -first of a procession of mothers, that I gave up the idea of going out -to look for a nurse, and stayed at home to receive the mothers politely. -It was not long before one presented herself. She was an Irishwoman and -the only sensible one of the lot. When she saw that her baby was safe and -contented and had a good grip on the hair of a black-eyed baby, she sat -down and laughed, and said that she never saw anything so sweet before. -According to her account, she lived about a mile from my house, and she -was standing at her front door looking at the landscape, when the dog -bounded in, caught up the baby out of the cradle, and carried it off. At -first she thought the dog was the devil, but presently she remembered -that the devil’s time was too much occupied with Irish affairs to permit -him to steal babies in Iowa, so she followed the dog as rapidly as she -could make her way through the snow. She tracked him by the prints of his -paws until she came to my door, and instead of calling me a kidnapper and -talking about the police, she was full of pity for me, and volunteered -to stay and take care of the whole menagerie until the last of the babies -should be called for and taken away. - -“The remaining mothers arrived in the course of an hour. I locked myself -in the top of the house and left the Irishwoman to explain things. As I -afterward learned, the intelligent dog had knocked two women down in the -street and stolen their babies out of their arms, and had also broken -into two houses, in the last one of which he had bagged his brace of -twins. All the mothers, except the Irishwoman, were as unreasonable as -they could possibly be. They insisted that I deliberately trained dogs -to steal babies, and they had no doubt that my object in stealing them -was to vivisect them. As for the dog, they were convinced that he was mad -and that their babies would be sure to die of hydrophobia. Two of the -women brought their husbands with them, who asked to see me, explaining -that they desired to blow my head off. The Irishwoman nobly lied to them, -telling them that she had driven me out of the house with a club, and -that I was on my way to Chicago and far out of reach. The mothers and -their husbands went away at last, and as soon as it was dark I stole out -of the back door and took the first train for St. Paul. I didn’t show -myself in New Berlinopolisville for the next year. - -“What became of the dog? Oh! I forgot to say that the Irishwoman promised -to take care of him and to cure him of his passion for babies. I am sorry -to say that she did not succeed. She kept him tied up for six weeks, but -one day he broke loose and captured a baby out of a baby-wagon in the -park. But the baby’s father happened to be with it, and he was one of the -best pistol-shots in town, having been a judge of the Montana Supreme -Court. He got the drop on the dog before the beast had gone ten feet away -with the baby, and though they afterward had to pry the dog’s jaws open -in order to get the baby loose, no harm was done to the latter. I settled -all the lawsuits without letting them go to trial, although it cost me -considerable and I finally judged it best to remove to another State. - -“Now, I suppose that some one will be enough of an idiot to repeat this -story with variations as a proof of the wonderful intelligence of the -St. Bernard dog. If it is intelligence that leads a dog to steal other -people’s babies and dump them on a respectable man, I’d like to see what -idiocy would do for such a dog. No, sir! depend upon it, the stories -about St. Bernard dogs are invented by the monks after stimulating their -minds by reading the ‘Lives of the Saints’ and by going trout-fishing. -Probably the monks have gradually brought themselves to believe most -of the stories. They look like a credulous set of people, and I should -rather like to try them with a good American political speech, full of -campaign statistics, and see if they could believe it. I shouldn’t be in -the least surprised if they could.” - - - - -A MATRIMONIAL ROMANCE. - - -“And by the way,” continued the Colonel, “a curious thing about this -Josiah Wilson was that he was married for fifteen years and never had any -wife whatever.” - -The Colonel had begun a story concerning one Josiah Wilson which -promised to be interesting, but his incidental allusion to Mr. Wilson’s -matrimonial experience awakened our curiosity, and we begged him to -interrupt his narrative long enough to tell us how it came to pass that -Josiah was a married man who never had a wife. - -[Illustration: “HOWLED FOR HELP WHEN HE WASN’T SWEARING.”] - -“The marriage laws in the United States,” said the Colonel, giving his -chair an increased tilt backward, which was his usual way of beginning a -fresh anecdote, “are as peculiar in their way as are the divorce laws. -You would think to look at them that they would permit anybody to marry -anybody else in any way that either of them might choose; but for all -that they sometimes make it impossible for a man or a woman to get -married. There was a couple who intended to be married in a balloon, -which is a style of lunacy that is quite fashionable in some parts of the -country, though I can’t see why a man should want to risk his neck in a -balloon on his wedding-day, unless it is that it takes so much courage -to be married at all that a man forgets all about such minor dangers as -are connected with ballooning. The bride, the minister, and two witnesses -of assorted sexes went up in the balloon at the appointed time, and, -naturally, the bridegroom intended to go with them, but he accidentally -caught his foot in a neglected guy-rope and went up head downward about -twenty feet below the car. The party in the balloon could not haul him -up because they could not get hold of the rope, and the bride would not -consent to give up the trip because the groom had always been a little -shy, and she was afraid that if she let him go this time she might not -be able to land him again. So the parson went on with the ceremony, and -the groom made most of his responses in bad language, and howled for help -when he wasn’t swearing. When the ceremony was over the aeronaut managed -to land the balloon without seriously damaging the bridegroom, but when, -a year or two afterward, the bride wanted to get her divorce, the court -held that there had never been any marriage, for the reason that both -the groom and the bride had not appeared together in the presence of the -officiating minister, and that, furthermore, there was no provision in -the law which would permit a man to be married upside down. - -“But to get back to Josiah Wilson. He lived in Indiana, close to the -boundary line between that State and Illinois, and he courted Melinda -Smith, a young woman who lived a little way up the mountain-side with -her father and three brothers. The girl was anxious to be married, -but her family were dead against it. You see, Josiah was a Republican -and a Methodist, while the Smiths were Democrats and Baptists, and, -naturally, they hated each other like poison; and one night as old man -Smith and Josiah met on their way to rival prayer-meetings they exchanged -revolver-shots, without, however, doing any harm. Then, once Josiah had -most of the calf of his leg taken off by the Smiths’ bull-dog, and twice -the Smith boys came into the sitting-room where Josiah was calling on -Melinda, and suggested to him with their shot-guns that he had better go -home. Gradually Josiah and Melinda came to the conclusion that her family -were resolved to discourage the match, so they determined to elope and be -married without the knowledge or consent of anybody. - -“One dark night Josiah carried a ladder and planted it under Melinda’s -window. He had advised her to walk out of the front door, which was -always left unlocked at night, but she refused, saying that if she was -going to elope she should do it in the proper way, and that if Josiah had -no respect for her she had some little respect for herself. She climbed -down the ladder with a good deal of difficulty, because she insisted that -Josiah should help her, and also that he should stand forty yards away, -for reasons connected with her ankles, and he found it rather trying -to follow out these contradictory orders. However, Melinda reached the -ground at last, and the pair started in a carriage that had been waiting -just around a bend in the road, in company with the Methodist minister. -Their plan was to drive to the next town and there to be married, but it -happened that one of the Smith boys, being restless, got up in the night, -and, looking out of the window, saw the ladder standing at Melinda’s -window. In about twenty minutes after the young people had started, the -whole Smith family and their shot-guns were following the runaways in a -wagon and gaining on them fast. - -“The Methodist minister, whose hearing was unusually good, heard the -sound of hoofs before Josiah noticed it, and told the young people -that there was not the least doubt that they were pursued, and would -be overtaken in a very few minutes. ‘And then, you know,’ he added, -‘the chances are that, being Baptists, they will shoot first and ask -for explanations afterward. The only thing for us to do is to get the -marriage ceremony over before they come up. Then they will see that -opposition is of no use and will listen to reason.’ - -“Josiah and Melinda at once consented, and the parson, noticing a little -clearing in the woods on the left-hand side of the road and a flat sort -of tombstone standing in the middle of it, said that he would stand on -that stone and marry his young friends so quick that it would make their -hair curl. He was particularly glad to meet with a handy tombstone, for -he said that a tombstone was the next thing to a church, and that to be -married by the side of a tomb would be almost as solemn as to be married -in a minister’s study. So the party hastily descended, the parson mounted -the stone, Josiah and Melinda joined hands in front of him, and they were -married and the parson had kissed the bride and pocketed his fee just -as the Smiths’ wagon drove up and the Smith boys cocked their guns and -covered the party. But the parson was wide awake. He had his revolver -out and old man Smith covered before anybody had taken aim at him, but -instead of shooting he remarked that he was a minister of the blessed -gospel of peace, that there was no necessity for bloodshed, and that he -would blow a hole through old Smith unless the Smith boys lowered their -weapons and consented to argue the matter. ‘The fact is, Colonel Smith,’ -said the parson, ‘you’re too late. The young people are legally married, -and the sooner you accept the situation the better. I married them not -two minutes ago, standing on that identical tombstone.’ - -[Illustration: “‘YOU’LL COME STRAIGHT HOME WITH ME.’”] - -“Colonel Smith was a lawyer, and the sharpest one in that part of the -country. He saw the force of the minister’s remarks, so he told the -boys to put up their guns and he shook hands with the minister. Then he -inquired, in a careless sort of way, where Josiah and Melinda had stood -while they were being married. The parson showed the footprints of the -bride and groom, and then Colonel Smith turned to Melinda and said, -‘You’ll come straight home with me. There hasn’t been any marriage yet. -That stone is the boundary mark between Indiana and Illinois, and you -were standing in Indiana and that other idiot was standing in Illinois -when the parson tried to marry you. Nobody can marry in two States at the -same time, and I shan’t recognize the pretended marriage till a court -of law compels me to do so, which will be never. I hope this will teach -you the folly of fooling with Methodism. When you want to get married -next time try a Baptist minister, who will know the difference between a -tombstone and a boundary mark.’ There were too many Smiths and they were -too well armed to be reasoned with successfully, so the upshot was that -Melinda went home with her family and Josiah and the parson went to see a -lawyer. - -“The next day Josiah brought a suit for divorce against Melinda. It was -a friendly suit, you understand, and his only object was to test the -question of the validity of his marriage, for, of course, no man can -get a divorce unless he first proves that he is married. Old man Smith -conducted the case on his side, and a lawyer named Starkweather, who is -now a member of the Illinois Legislature, appeared for Josiah Wilson. -Colonel Smith argued that while the parson who conducted the alleged -marriage ceremony could undoubtedly have married a couple in the State -of Indiana, he could not marry a woman in Indiana to a man in Illinois, -for the reason that the man and the woman could not be in the same place -while they were in two different commonwealths, and that hence Josiah -and Melinda had not legally appeared together before the officiating -minister. Furthermore, he argued that the minister at the time of the -pretended marriage was standing neither in Indiana nor in Illinois, -but on the boundary line; that the statute defined the boundary line as -‘an imaginary line’ running from such and such a point to such and such -a point, and that a minister who stands in a purely imaginary locality -stands virtually nowhere, and hence cannot perform any function of his -calling. - -“On the other hand, Josiah’s lawyer claimed that the minister had married -Melinda Smith in the State of Indiana; that consequently she must have -been married to somebody, and that that somebody was unquestionably -Josiah Wilson. As to the point that the minister stood in an imaginary -locality because, as was alleged, he stood on the boundary line, the -lawyer maintained that it was a physical impossibility that a minister -weighing two hundred and fifty pounds could stand in a purely imaginative -place. Moreover, he was prepared to prove that while performing the -ceremony at least one of the minister’s feet was in the State of Indiana, -which was sufficient to make him legally present in that State. - -“The arguments lasted three days, and the court before which it was -tried, consisting of three judges, took all the third day to deliver its -verdict. It decided that Melinda Smith was legally married to some person -unknown, though not to Josiah Wilson, and that Josiah Wilson was also -married to some unknown woman, who was not Melinda Smith, whoever else -she might be; that no marriage between the plaintiff and the defendant -had ever taken place; and that no divorce could be granted, but that if -either of them married any one else he or she would be guilty of bigamy. - -“The Smiths, with the exception of Melinda, were delighted with the -decision, for it made it reasonably certain that Josiah could never be -recognized as her husband. She was a good deal cast down about it, for, -like every other Indiana girl, she had looked forward to being married -and divorced as the natural lot of woman. Now it appeared that she was -married, but in such an unsatisfactory way that she could never have -a husband and never be divorced from any one. As for Josiah, he was -furious, but there was no help for it; the law was against him, and, as a -law-abiding man, he was obliged to respect it, especially as he could not -hope to kill off all four of the Smiths if he decided to make a family -feud of it; he himself having no family whatever, and no one to help him -to keep up his end of the feud. - -“For the next fifteen years Josiah lived a single man except in name, and -Melinda mourned her hard fate and kept house for her father and brothers; -but one day Josiah’s lawyer, who was by this time in the legislature, -came to him and offered to have his marriage to Melinda made legal in -all respects for five hundred dollars. The lawyer was so certain that -he could do this that he was willing to wait for his pay until after -he had gained a verdict, and Josiah, after a little bargaining such as -every self-respecting man would have made in his place, consented to the -lawyer’s terms. It seems that the lawyer had accidentally discovered -that there had been a mistake in the survey of part of the boundary line -between Indiana and Illinois, and at the very place where Josiah and -Melinda were married. A rectification of this mistake would move the line -ten feet west, and so place the spot where the pair stood during their -wedding entirely within the State of Indiana. The proper steps to obtain -the rectification of the boundary were taken, and it was rectified. -Then Melinda in her turn began a suit for divorce against Josiah, and -had no difficulty in proving the marriage and in obtaining a decree. -Josiah paid the lawyer his five hundred dollars and was overjoyed at -being finally able to call his Melinda his own. But he met with a little -disappointment. Now that Melinda had obtained her divorce, she thought -she might as well live up to it and marry a fresh husband. So she married -the Methodist minister, who had just lost his third wife, and lived -happily ever afterward. - -“It was just after this that Josiah, being perhaps made a little reckless -by his disappointment, became involved in the affair that I was going -to tell you about when you interrupted me and wanted to hear about his -marriage. Matrimony is a mighty curious thing, and you can never tell -precisely how it is going to turn out. That is one reason why I was never -married but once, though I spent ten years of my life in Chicago, and -had friends at the bar who stood ready to obtain divorces for me at any -moment and without a dollar of expense.” - - - - -HOSKINS’ PETS. - - -“Yes!” said the Colonel reflectively, “I’ve been almost everywhere in my -time except in jail, and I’ve been in a great deal worse places than a -first-class American jail with all the modern improvements. The fact is -that philanthropic people have gone so far in improving the condition of -prisoners that most of our prisons are rather better than most of our -hotels. At any rate, they are less expensive and the guests are treated -with more respect. - -“I never could understand a craze that some people have for prisoners. -For instance, in New York and Chicago the young ladies have a society -for giving flowers to murderers. Whenever a man is convicted of murder -and sentenced to be hanged, the girls begin to heave flowers into his -cell till he can’t turn round without upsetting a vase of roses or a big -basinful of pansies and getting his feet wet. I once knew a murderer who -told me that if anything could reconcile him to being hung it would be in -getting rid of the floral tributes that the girls lavished on him. You -see, he was one of the leading murderers in that section of country, and -consequently he received about a cart-load of flowers every day. - -[Illustration: “HEAVE FLOWERS INTO HIS CELL.”] - -“I had a neighbor when I lived in New Berlinopolisville who was President -of the Society for Ameliorating the Condition of Prisoners, and he -was the craziest man on the subject that I ever met. His name was -Hoskins—Colonel Uriah Hoskins. He was the author of the Hoskins Bill -that attracted so much attention when it was before the legislature, -though it never became law. The hill provided that every prisoner should -have a sitting-room as well as a sleeping-room, and that it should be -furnished with a piano, a banjo, a library, a typewriter, a wine-cooler, -and a whist-table; that the prisoner should be permitted to hold two -weekly receptions, to which everybody should be allowed to come, and that -he should be taught any branch of study that he might care to take up, -books and masters being, of course, supplied free. Colonel Hoskins used -to insist that the only thing that made a man go wrong was the lack of -kindness, and that the sure way to reform a criminal was to treat him -with so much kindness that he would grow ashamed of being wicked, and -would fall on everybody’s neck and devote the rest of his life to weeping -tears of repentance and singing hymns of joy. - -“While Colonel Hoskins was fond of all styles of criminals, burglars were -his particular pets. According to him, a burglar was more deserving of -kindness than any other man. ‘How would you like it,’ he used to say, ‘if -you had to earn your living by breaking into houses in the middle of the -night, instead of sleeping peacefully in your bed? Do you think you would -be full of good thoughts after you had been bitten by the watch-dog and -fired at by the man of the house, and earned nothing by your labor except -a bad cold and the prospect of hydrophobia? There is nothing more brutal -than the way in which society treats the burglar; and so long as society -refuses to put him in the way of earning an easier and less dangerous -living, he cannot be blamed if he continues to practise his midnight -profession.’ - -“I must say this for Colonel Hoskins. He did not confine himself to talk, -like many other philanthropists, but was always trying to carry out his -principles. He really meant what he said about burglars, and there isn’t -the least doubt that he had more sympathy for them than he had for the -honest men of his acquaintance. - -“When people asked him what he would do if he woke up in the night and -found a burglar in his house, and whether or not he would shoot at him, -he said that he would as soon think of shooting at his own wife, and that -he would undertake to reform that burglar, then and there, by kindness -alone. Once somebody said to Hoskins that he ought really to let the -burglars know his feelings toward them, and Hoskins said that he would do -it without delay. - -“That same day he drew up a beautiful ‘Notice to Burglars,’ and had it -printed in big letters and framed and hung up in the dining-room of his -house. It read in this way: ‘Burglars are respectfully informed that the -silverware is all plated, and that the proprietor of this house never -keeps ready money on hand. Cake and wine will be found in the dining-room -closet, and burglars are cordially invited to rest and refresh -themselves. Please wipe your feet on the mat, and close the window when -leaving the house.’ - -“Colonel Hoskins took a good deal of pride in that notice. He showed it -to every one who called at the house, and said that if other people would -follow his example and treat burglars like Christians and gentlemen, -there would soon be an end of burglary, for the burglars would be so -touched by the kindness of their treatment that they would abandon the -business and become honored members of society—insurance presidents, -or bank cashiers, or church treasurers. He didn’t say how the reformed -burglars were to find employment in banks and insurance offices and such, -but that was a matter of detail, and he always preferred to devise large -and noble schemes, and leave the working details of them to other men. - -“One morning Colonel Hoskins, who was an early riser, went down to the -dining-room before breakfast, and was surprised to find that he had had a -midnight visit from burglars. Two empty wine-bottles stood on the table, -and all the cake was eaten, which showed that the burglars had accepted -the invitation to refresh themselves. But they did not seem to have -accepted it in quite the right spirit. All Hoskins’ spoons and forks lay -in a heap in the middle of the floor, and every one was twisted or broken -so as to be good for nothing. The window had been left open and the rain -had ruined the curtains, and on a dirty piece of paper the burglars had -scrawled with a lead-pencil the opinion that ‘Old Hoskins is the biggest -fule and the gol-darndest skinflint in the country. You set out whiskey -next time, or we’ll serve you out.’ - -“Hoskins was not in the least cast down by the rudeness of the burglars. -‘Poor fellows,’ he said, ‘they have been so used to bad treatment that -they don’t altogether appreciate kindness at first. But they will learn.’ -So he laid in some new spoons and forks and added a bottle of whiskey -to the wine that he kept in the closet for the burglars, and was as -confident as ever that the next gang that might break into his house -would be melted into tears and repentance and would call him their best -and dearest friend. - -“A week or two later Mrs. Hoskins was awakened by a noise in the -dining-room, and after waking up her husband told him that there were -burglars in the house, and that he must get out of the back window and -go for the police. He told her that he was sorry to see her manifest -such an unchristian spirit, and he would show her how burglars ought to -be treated. There was not the least doubt that there were burglars in -the house, and they were making a good deal more noise than was strictly -consistent with the prospect of rising in their profession, for no able -burglar ever makes any unnecessary noise while engaged in business, -unless, of course, he falls over a coal-scuttle, and then he naturally -uses language. St. Paul himself would probably say something pretty -strong in similar circumstances. Hoskins was sincerely delighted to have -the opportunity to meet his burglarious friends, and he lost no time in -dressing and descending to the dining-room. - -“He wore his slippers, and the burglars—there were two of them—did not -hear him until he was fairly in the dining room. They were seated at -the table, with their feet on the damask table-cloth, and the bottle of -whiskey was nearly empty. The Colonel was much pleased to see that they -had not damaged his silverware, and he was just about to thank them when -they saw him. They started up, and one of them caught him by the throat, -while the other held a pistol to his head and promised to blow out his -brains if he made the slightest noise. Then they tied him hand and foot, -gagged him, and laid him on the floor, and then sat down to finish the -whiskey. - -“Both the burglars were partly drunk, which accounted for the -unprofessional noise they had been making. They talked in rather a -low tone, but Hoskins could hear everything they said, and it was not -particularly encouraging to a gagged and bound philanthropist. They -agreed that he was a fool, and a stingy fool, or else he would have kept -money in the house, and would have set out lemons and sugar as well as -plain whiskey. They said that any man who treated poor working-men in -that way wasn’t fit to live, and that Hoskins would have to be killed, -even if it was not necessary—as it plainly was in this case—to kill him -in order to prevent him from appearing at any future time as a witness -against them. They admitted that the whiskey was not bad of its kind, but -they were of the opinion that Hoskins had left it in their way so that -they might get drunk and be caught by the police. - -“Colonel Hoskins listened to this conversation with horror, and the -prospect that the drunken rascals would be as good as their word, and -kill him before they left the house, was only a little more painful -than the conviction that his method, appealing to the better nature of -burglars, had failed for the second time. When the whiskey was exhausted -the men rose up and looked at Hoskins, and a happy thought struck one of -them. ‘Thishyer idiot,’ he said, ‘may not have any money in the house, -but he’s bound to have some in the bank, and he’s going to write us a -check for a thousand dollars, provided we let him off and don’t kick his -brains out this time.’ The other burglar, who was in that benevolent -frame of mind that Irish whiskey and conscious virtue sometimes produce, -agreed to the suggestion, and Hoskins was therefore unbound and seated at -the table, and told to draw a check at once if he had the least regard -for his life. As he was gagged he could not explain to the burglars the -kind feelings that he still had toward them, and the fact that they could -not draw the money on the check without being captured by the police. So -he simply signed the check, and groaned to think that the poor burglars -were so slow to be reformed in the way that he had hoped they would be. - -[Illustration: “TIED HIM IN A CHAIR.”] - -“When this business was over, the burglars tied Hoskins’ wrists together -again and then tied him in a chair. Then they set to work to do all -the damage they could do without making too much noise. They tore the -curtains and hacked the piano with knives, and poured a jug of golden -syrup over the carpet. Then they plastered Colonel Hoskins’ face with -raspberry jam and emptied a sack of flour over his head, and went away, -telling him that if he ever again ventured to trifle with the feelings -of poor but self-respecting men, they would put him to death by slow -tortures. - -“Hoskins sat in the chair for a couple of hours, till his wife timidly -crept downstairs and released him. It took him a good hour to get the jam -and the flour out of his hair and whiskers, and as Mrs. Hoskins said that -he was in no state to enter a decent bedroom and made him wash at the -pump in the back yard, he found it a rather cold operation. Perhaps it -was the remarks that Mrs. Hoskins addressed to him during the operation -that irritated him, for she intimated very plainly that he was no better -than a professional idiot, and when a man’s hair is stuck together with -jam, remarks of this sort from the wife of his bosom seem to be lacking -in tenderness. However that may be, Colonel Hoskins had no sooner got -himself into what his wife condescended to call a state of comparative -decency, than he took down his ‘Notice to Burglars’ and tore it into a -thousand pieces. That day he had an electric burglar-alarm put into his -house, he bought the savagest dog that he could find, and he stopped the -payment of the check, which, however, was never presented. He continued -to be the President of the Society for Ameliorating the Condition of -Prisoners, but he steadily refused to ameliorate a single prisoner -convicted of burglary, and while he was always a lunatic in regard to -other criminals, he openly maintained that a burglar was the worst of -men and that kindness was utterly thrown away upon him. He never had any -more burglars in his house, though the dog now and then lunched off warm -leg when some stranger to that part of the country ventured into the -Hoskins premises at night. Hoskins was very fond of the animal, which was -quite right, but his practice of leaving a bottle of whiskey, with an -ounce of strychnine in it, on the dining-room table every night, in case -a burglar should succeed in getting into the house, was, in my opinion, -going a little too far. Antimonial wine would have been much more humane -and sufficiently effective. But there is no man who is more severe than a -philanthropist who has been turned sour.” - - - - -THE CAT’S REVENGE. - - -We had been discussing the Darwinian hypothesis, and the Colonel had -maintained a profound silence, which was sufficient evidence that he did -not believe in the development of man from the lower animals. Some one, -however, asked him plumply his opinion of Darwinism, and he sententiously -replied, “Darned nonsense!” - -Feeling that this view of the matter possibly merited expansion, the -Colonel caused his chair to assume its customary oratorical attitude on -its two rear legs, and began to discourse. - -“There are some things,” he remarked, “which do look as if there might -be a grain of truth in this monkey theory. For instance, when I was in -France I was pretty nearly convinced that the monkey is the connecting -link between man and the Frenchmen, but after all there is no proof -of it. That’s what’s the matter with Darwinism. When you produce a man -who can remember that his grandfather was a monkey, or when you show me -a monkey that can produce papers to prove that he is my second cousin, -I’ll believe all Darwin said on the subject; but as the thing stands -I’ve nothing but Darwin’s word to prove that men and monkeys are near -relations. So far as I can learn, Darwin didn’t know as much about -animals as a man ought to know who undertakes to invent a theory about -them. He never was intimate with dogs and he never drove an army mule. He -had a sort of bowing acquaintance with monkeys and a few other animals of -no particular standing in the community, but he couldn’t even understand -a single animal language. Now, if he had gone to work and learned to read -and write and speak the monkey language, as that American professor that -you were just speaking of has done, he might have been able to give us -some really valuable information. - -“Do I believe that animals talk? I don’t simply believe it, I know -it. When I was a young man I had a good deal to do with animals, and -I learned to understand the cat language just as well as I understood -English. It’s an easy language when once you get the hang of it, and -from what I hear of German the two are considerably alike. You look as -if you didn’t altogether believe me, though why you should doubt that a -man can learn cat language when the world is full of men that pretend to -have learned German, and nobody calls their word in question, I don’t -precisely see. - -“Of course, I don’t pretend to understand all the cat dialects. For -example, I don’t know a word of the Angora dialect and can only -understand a sentence here and there of the tortoise-shell dialect; but -so far as good, pure standard cat language goes, it’s as plain as print -to me to-day, though I haven’t paid any attention to it for forty years. -I don’t want you to understand that I ever spoke it. I always spoke -English when I was talking with cats. They all understand English as well -as you do. They pick it up just as a child picks up a language from -hearing it spoken. - -“Forty years ago I was a young man, and, like most young men, I fancied -that I was in love with a young woman of our town. There isn’t the least -doubt in my mind that I should have married her if I had not known the -cat language. She afterward married a man whom she took away to Africa -with her as a missionary. I knew him well, and he didn’t want to go to -Africa. Said he had no call to be a missionary, and that all he wanted -was to live in a Christian country where he could go and talk with the -boys in the bar-room evenings. But his wife carried him off, and it’s my -belief that if I had married her she would have made me turn missionary, -or pirate, or anything else that she thought best. I shall never cease to -be grateful to Thomas Aquinas for saving me from that woman. - -[Illustration: “I HAD AN OLD NEGRO HOUSEKEEPER AND TWO CATS.”] - -“This was the way of it. I was living in a little cottage that belonged -to my uncle, and that he let me have rent free on condition that I should -take care of it and keep the grounds in an attractive state until he -could sell it. I had an old negro housekeeper and two cats. One of them, -Martha Washington by name, was young and handsome, and about as bright -a cat as I ever knew. She had a strong sense of humor, too, which is -unusual with cats, and when something amused her she would throw back her -head and open her mouth wide, and laugh a silent laugh that was as hearty -and rollicking as a Methodist parson’s laugh when he hears a gray-haired -joke at a negro minstrel show. Martha was perhaps the most popular cat in -the town, and there was scarcely a minute in the day when there wasn’t -some one of her admirers in the back yard. As for serenades, she had -three or four every night that it didn’t rain. There was a quartette -club formed by four first-class feline voices, and the club used to give -Martha and me two or three hours of music three times a week. I used -sometimes to find as many as six or seven old boots in the back yard of -a morning that had been contributed by enthusiastic neighbors. As for -society, Martha Washington was at the top of the heap. There wasn’t a -more fashionable cat in the whole State of Ohio—I was living in Ohio at -the time—and in spite of it all she was as simple and unaffected in her -ways as if she had been born and bred in a Quaker meeting-house. - -“One afternoon Martha was giving a four-o’clock milk on the veranda -next to my room. I always gave her permission to give that sort of -entertainment whenever she wanted to, for the gossip of her friends used -to be very amusing to me. Among the guests that afternoon was Susan’s -Maltese cat. Susan was the young lady I wanted to marry. Now, this cat -had always pretended to be very fond of me, and Susan often said that -her cat never made a mistake in reading character, and that the cat’s -approval of me was equivalent to a first-class Sunday-school certificate -of moral character. I didn’t care anything about the cat myself, for -somehow I didn’t place any confidence in her professions. There was an -expression about her tail which, to my mind, meant that she was insincere -and treacherous. The Maltese cat had finished her milk, when the -conversation drifted around to the various mistresses of the cats, and -presently some one spoke of Susan. Then the Maltese began to say things -about Susan that made my blood boil. It was not only what she said, but -what she insinuated, and according to her Susan was one of the meanest -and most contemptible women in the whole United States. I stood it as -long as I could, and then I got up and said to Martha Washington, ‘I -think your Maltese friend is needed at her home, and the sooner she goes -the better if she doesn’t want to be helped home with a club.’ That was -enough. The Maltese, who was doing up her back fur when I spoke, stopped, -looked at me as if she could tear me into pieces, and then flounced out -of the house without saying a word. I understood that there was an end to -her pretence of friendship for me, and that henceforth I should have an -enemy in Susan’s house who might, perhaps, be able to do me a good deal -of harm. - -[Illustration: “POOR PUSSY’S NERVES ARE THOROUGHLY UPSET.”] - -“The next time I called to see Susan the Maltese was in the room, and she -instantly put up her back and tail and swore at me as if I was a Chinaman -on the lookout for material for a stolen dinner. ‘What can be the matter -with poor pussy?’ said Susan. ‘She seems to be so terribly afraid of -you all of a sudden. I hope it doesn’t mean that you have been doing -something that she doesn’t approve of.’ I didn’t make any reply to this -insinuation, except to say that the cat might perhaps be going mad, but -this didn’t help me any with Susan, who was really angry at the idea that -her cat could be capable of going mad. - -“The same sort of thing happened every time I went to the house. The cat -was always in the room, and always expressed, in the plainest way, the -opinion that I was a thief and a murderer and an enemy of the temperance -society. When I asked her what she meant to do, she would give me no -reply except a fresh oath or other bad language. Threats had no effect on -her, for she knew that I could not touch her in Susan’s house, and she -didn’t intend that I should catch her outside of the house. Nothing was -clearer than that the Maltese was bound to make a quarrel between me and -Susan, in revenge for what I had said at Martha’s four-o’clock milk. - -“Meanwhile Susan began to take the thing very seriously, and hinted that -the cat’s opposition to me might be a providential warning against me. -‘I never knew her to take such a prejudice against any one before,’ she -said, ‘except against that converted Jew who afterward turned out to be -a burglar, and nearly murdered poor dear Mr. Higby, the Baptist preacher, -the night he broke into Mr. Higby’s house and stole all his hams.’ Once -when I did manage to give the Maltese a surreptitious kick, and she -yelled as if she was half-killed, Susan said, ‘I am really afraid I shall -have to ask you to leave us now. Poor pussy’s nerves are so thoroughly -upset that I must devote all my energies to soothing her. I do hope she -is mistaken in her estimate of you.’ This was not very encouraging, and I -saw clearly that if the Maltese kept up her opposition the chances that -Susan would marry me were not worth a rush. - -“Did I tell you that I had a large gray cat by the name of Thomas -Aquinas? He was in some respects the most remarkable cat I ever met. -Most people considered him rather a dull person, but among cats he was -conceded to have a colossal mind. Cats would come from miles away to -ask his advice about things. I don’t mean such trifling matters as his -views on mice-catching—which, by the way, is a thing that has very -little interest for most cats—or his opinion of the best way in which -to get a canary bird through the bars of a cage. They used to consult -him on matters of the highest importance, and the opinions that he used -to give would have laid over those of Benjamin Franklin himself. Why, -Martha Washington told me that Thomas Aquinas knew more about bringing up -kittens than the oldest and most experienced feline matron that she had -ever known. As for common sense, Thomas Aquinas was just a solid chunk of -it, as you might say, and I get into the habit of consulting him whenever -I wanted a good, safe, cautious opinion. He would see at a glance where -the trouble was, and would give me advice that no lawyer could have -beaten, no matter how big a fee he might have charged. - -“Well, I went home from Susan’s house, and I said to Thomas Aquinas, -‘Thomas’—for he was one of those cats that you would no more have called -‘Tom’ than you would call Mr. Gladstone ‘Bill’—‘Thomas,’ I said, ‘I want -you to come with me to Miss Susan’s and tell that Maltese beast that if -she doesn’t quit her practice of swearing at me whenever I come into the -room it will be the worse for her.’ - -“‘That’s easy enough,’ said Thomas. ‘I know one or two little things -about that cat that would not do to be told, and she knows that I know -them. Never you fear but that I can shut her up in a moment. I heard -that she was going about bragging that she would get square with you -for something you said to her one day, but I didn’t feel called upon to -interfere without your express approval.’” - -“The next day Thomas and I strolled over to Susan’s, and, as luck -would have it, we were shown into her reception-room before she came -downstairs. The Maltese cat was in the room, and began her usual game -of being filled with horror at the sight of such a hardened wretch as -myself. Of course, Thomas Aquinas took it up at once, and the two had -a pretty hot argument. Now Thomas, in spite of his colossal mind, was -a quick-tempered cat, and he was remarkably free-spoken when he was -roused. One word led to another, and presently the Maltese flew at -Thomas, and for about two minutes that room was so thick with fur that -you could hardly see the fight. Of course, there could have been only one -end to the affair. My cat weighed twice what the Maltese weighed, and -after a few rounds he had her by the neck, and never let go until he had -killed her. I was just saying ‘Hooray! Thomas!’ when Susan came into the -room. - -“I pass over what she said. Its general sense was that a man who -encouraged dumb animals to fight, and who brought a great savage brute -into her house to kill her sweet little pussy in her own parlor, wasn’t -fit to live. She would listen to no explanations, and when I said that -Thomas had called at my request to reason with the Maltese about her -unkind conduct toward me, Susan said that my attempt to turn an infamous -outrage into a stupid joke made the matter all the worse, and that she -must insist that I and my prize-fighting beast should leave her house at -once and never enter it again. - -“So you see that if it had not been that I understood what the Maltese -cat said at Martha Washington’s milk party, I should probably never have -quarrelled with either Susan or her cat, and should now have been a -missionary in Central Africa, if I hadn’t blown my brains out or taken -to drink. I have often thought that the man Susan did marry might have -been saved if he had known the cat language in time and had made the -acquaintance of the Maltese.” - -The Colonel paused, and presently I asked him if he really expected us to -believe his story. - -“Why not?” he replied. “It isn’t any stiffer than Darwin’s yarn about our -being descended from monkeys. You believe that on the word of a man you -never saw, and I expect you to believe my story that I understand the cat -language on my unsupported word. Perhaps the story is a little tough, -but if you are going in for science you shouldn’t let your credulity be -backed down by any story.” - - - - -SILVER-PLATED. - - -The _Etruria_ was nearing New York, and the prospect of the inevitable -interview with the custom-house officers had already cast a gloom over -the passengers. For the most part they were silent, and their faces wore -an anxious and solemn expression. The Rev. Mr. Waterman, of the Eighth -Day Baptist Church, who had bought largely of ready-made clothing in -London, even suggested that it might be well to hold a prayer-meeting in -the saloon. - -A group of half a dozen men were sitting in the lee of one of the -deck-houses, smoking silently, when one of the number, a young and -sanguine person, suddenly exclaimed: - -“I don’t believe any honest man ever has any trouble with the -custom-house. It’s the fellows who want to defraud the Government who -make all the complaints.” - -“What you say may be patriotism and it may be ignorance——” - -“What’s the difference?” murmured a cynical interrupter. - -“But,” continued the speaker, “it isn’t true. I never tried to defraud -the Government, but for all that I’ve had more trouble with the -custom-house than if I’d been an honest collector of the port trying not -to mix up politics with the business of the office.” - -“America expects every man to pay his duty, Colonel,” replied the -sanguine young man, with a vague reminiscence of Nelson. “Tell us about -your trouble, and I rather think you’ll have to admit that it was because -you didn’t want to pay duty on something.” - -The Colonel was generally understood by the rest of the passengers to -be a sort of theatrical manager, a position which in the United States -entitles a man to the relative rank of colonel in the militia and -commodore in the canal-boat service. He had on several occasions shown a -knowledge of music and of professional musicians which had won for him -some respect among those of his fellow-passengers who did not know the -difference between a hurdy-gurdy and a hautboy, and were therefore fond -of posing as musical critics. He was a shrewd, good-tempered colonel, and -the barkeeper said that he was the most elegant, high-toned gentleman he -had ever crossed with. - -“Electricity, gentlemen,” resumed the Colonel, “is the biggest thing of -the century, but it has its drawbacks. Did any of you ever happen to ride -on that electric railroad in Berlin? Well, I have, and ’most anybody who -goes to Berlin is liable to ride on it. It taught me, however, that a man -ought to be pretty careful when he trusts himself in an electric car. - -“It happened in this way. I was an agent in the general show business, -and was collecting an opera company for a friend of mine who was going -to open in Chicago. I had come across a first-class tenor—found him in a -country church choir in Germany—and was bringing him home with me under -a contract, when he and I took that ride on that Berlin electric road. -He was a careless sort of chap, and he sat down in a corner of the car -where the electricity had been leaking and the seat was pretty wet.” - -“I never knew before,” remarked the young man, “that electricity could -make a seat wet.” - -“Probably not,” retorted the Colonel. “I should judge that there might -be a right smart lot of things that you mightn’t know. Most of these -gentlemen here, however, have probably heard that nowadays electricity -is put up for use in bottles and metallic cans. It stands to reason that -anything capable of being put into a bottle is capable of leaking, and -wetting whatever it leaks on. If there is anybody here who knows more -about bottles than I do, I’m ready to let him tell this story. - -“As I was saying, my man sat down in a sort of pool of electric fluid, -and sat there for about half an hour. He was wearing in the fob-pocket -of his trousers a cheap silver watch. I had given it to him so that he -might get some exercise and prevent himself from getting too fat. He -never suspected my motive, but he tired himself all out winding it up -for two hours every night. Now you may not believe it, but I give you -my word that the electricity completely dissolved that watch-case and -deposited the silver around the man’s waist. He didn’t find it out till -night, and you never saw a man so scared as when he found that there was -a band about four inches wide silver-plated all round his waist. The -doctor told him that the only possible way of getting it off would be to -dissolve it with acid, but that the acid would eat clean through to his -spine and injure his voice. So my tenor had to let bad enough alone, and -be satisfied with another ten-and-sixpenny gymnasium that I gave him to -mollify his feelings. - -“We came over on the _Arizona_, and it got around during the passage that -my man was silver-plated. There was a custom-house spy on board, and it -happened that after the tenor had sworn that he had nothing dutiable with -him, the inspector ordered him to strip and be personally examined. Of -course when this was done it was discovered that he was silver-plated, -and he was held for duty under the general heading in the tariff of -‘all other articles, silver-plated, or in whole, and not elsewhere -enumerated,’ and taxed fifty per cent _ad valorem_ and fined two hundred -and fifty dollars for failing to declare that he was plated. He couldn’t -pay and I wouldn’t pay, and so he was locked up in a bonded warehouse, -and I went to consult my lawyer. - -“I laid all the facts before him, and told him I would pay him handsomely -if he could get my man out of the custom-house without paying either -duty or fine. Now, the lawyer knew the tariff from beginning to end, and -if any man could help me I knew he could. He didn’t promise anything at -first, but he discussed the question by and large and in all its bearings. - -“‘I’m afraid,’ said he, ‘that there is no hope of getting your friend out -without paying duty, but we may succeed in having him classified so as to -make the duty very low. For instance, you say the man is a professional -singer. Now, we might have him classed as a musical instrument and taxed -forty-five per cent _ad valorem_. By the bye, what did you agree to pay -him?’ - -“‘I agreed to pay him,’ says I, ‘a hundred dollars per week.’ - -“‘That’s bad,’ says the lawyer. ‘A hundred dollars a week is fifty-two -hundred per year, which is about the interest at six per cent on -eighty-seven thousand dollars. You wouldn’t like to pay forty-three or -four thousand dollars duty on him.’ - -“‘I’d see him sent to Congress first!’ says I. - -“‘Very well,’ says the lawyer. ‘Then perhaps we could classify him as -machinery or parts thereof. But you wouldn’t save much in that way. You’d -have to pay forty per cent _ad valorem_, and very likely the appraisers -would say that you had undervalued the man, and would value him at double -what your contract seems to say he is worth. They’re bound to protect -American machinery against the pauper labor of Europe every time.’ - -“‘How would it do to classify him as old family plate?’ said I. - -“‘Worse and worse,’ said the lawyer. ‘He’d have to pay sixty per cent, -and you’d have a good deal of difficulty in proving that he is old -family plate. Of course it could be done, but it would probably cost you -more than the whole amount of the duty. They’re a perfectly honest set of -men, the appraisers, and they naturally come high.’ - -“‘What will I do, then?’ said I; ‘let him die in the custom-house and -then sue for damages?’ - -“‘There might be something worth while done in that way,’ says the -lawyer, ‘but it would be middling hard on the man. But I’ll tell you what -we can do. Didn’t you say that the man was singing in a church choir when -you hired him?’ - -“‘I did so,’ says I. - -“‘All right,’ says the lawyer. ‘We’ll classify him as an “article used -in the service of religion,” and get him in free of any duty whatever. -You go and get him an engagement in a church without an hour’s delay, and -then come to me. We’ll beat the custom-house this time, sure enough.’ - -“I got the man an engagement to sing for a week in a Methodist -meeting-house, and before the week was out he was decided to be an -article used in the service of religion, and was returned to me free of -duty, and cursing the head off of every officer in the revenue service. -The end of it was that my tenor claimed that I had broken my contract by -setting him to sing in a church, and he sued me for damages, and got them -too. So you see, my young friend, that a man may have trouble with the -custom-house who does not want to defraud the Government out of anything, -not even the duty on that sealskin sack that I hear you have taken apart -and packed in a spare pair of boots.” - - -THE END. - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TOLD BY THE COLONEL *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Told by the Colonel</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: William Livingston Alden</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Illustrators: Richard Jack</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em;'>Hal Hurst</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: July 7, 2022 [eBook #68468]</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</p> - <p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em; text-align:left'>Produced by: Richard Hulse and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)</p> -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TOLD BY THE COLONEL ***</div> - -<div class="transnote"> -<p><b>Transcriber’s Note:</b> Readers may wish to be warned that the Colonel’s -tales, and the accompanying illustrations, contain outdated racial -stereotyping and language.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_i"></a>[i]</span></p> - -<p class="titlepage larger">TOLD BY THE COLONEL.</p> - -<p class="titlepage"><span class="smaller">BY</span><br /> -W. L. ALDEN,<br /> -<span class="smaller"><i>Author of “A Lost Soul,” “Adventures of Jimmy Brown,”<br /> -“Trying to Find Europe,” etc., etc.</i></span></p> - -<p class="titlepage"><span class="smaller">ILLUSTRATED BY</span><br /> -RICHARD JACK AND HAL HURST.</p> - -<p class="titlepage"><span class="smaller">NEW YORK</span><br /> -J. SELWIN TAIT & SONS</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_ii"></a>[ii]</span></p> - -<p class="titlepage smaller"><span class="smcap">Copyright, 1893, by<br /> -J. SELWIN TAIT & SONS</span></p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_iii"></a>[iii]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">CONTENTS.</h2> - -</div> - -<table> - <tr> - <td></td> - <td class="tdpg smaller">PAGE</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">An Ornithological Romance</span>,</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#AN_ORNITHOLOGICAL_ROMANCE">1</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Jewseppy</span>,</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#JEWSEPPY">12</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">That Little Frenchman</span>,</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#THAT_LITTLE_FRENCHMAN">26</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Thompson’s Tombstone</span>,</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#THOMPSONS_TOMBSTONE">38</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">A Union Meeting</span>,</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#A_UNION_MEETING">52</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">A Clerical Romance</span>,</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#A_CLERICAL_ROMANCE">63</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">A Mystery</span>,</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#A_MYSTERY">80</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">My Brother Elijah</span>,</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#MY_BROTHER_ELIJAH">93</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">The St. Bernard Myth</span>,</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#THE_ST_BERNARD_MYTH">108</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">A Matrimonial Romance</span>,</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#A_MATRIMONIAL_ROMANCE">124</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Hoskins’ Pets</span>,</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#HOSKINS_PETS">139</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">The Cat’s Revenge</span>,</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#THE_CATS_REVENGE">153</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Silver-Plated</span>,</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#SILVER-PLATED">168</a></td> - </tr> -</table> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_iv"></a>[iv]</span></p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_1"></a>[1]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" style="max-width: 31.25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/header1.jpg" alt="" /> -</div> - -<h1>TOLD BY THE COLONEL.</h1> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="AN_ORNITHOLOGICAL_ROMANCE">AN ORNITHOLOGICAL ROMANCE.</h2> - -</div> - -<p>Four Americans were sitting in the smoking-room -of a Paris hotel. One of them was a grizzled, -middle-aged man, who sat silent and apart -from the others and consumed his heavy black -cigar with a somewhat gloomy air. The other -three were briskly talking. They had been -three days in Paris, and had visited the Moulin -Rouge, the tomb of Napoleon, and the sewers, -and naturally felt that they were thoroughly -acquainted with the French capital, the French -government, and the French people. They -were unanimously of the opinion that Paris was -in all things fifty years behind the age, and at -least sixty behind Chicago. There was nothing<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_2"></a>[2]</span> -fit to eat, drink, or smoke in Paris. The French -railway carriages were wretched and afforded -no facilities for burning travellers in case of -an accident. The morals of French society—as -studied at the Moulin Rouge—were utterly -corrupt, owing possibly to that absence of free -trade in wives and husbands which a liberal -system of divorce permits. The French people -did not understand English, which was alone -sufficient to prove them unfit for self-government, -and their preference for heavy five-franc -pieces when they might have adopted soft and -greasy dollar bills showed their incurable lack -of cleanliness.</p> - -<p>Suddenly the silent man touched the bell and -summoned a waiter.</p> - -<p>“Waiter,” he said, as that functionary entered -the room, “bring me an owl.”</p> - -<p>“If you please, sir?” suggested the waiter, -timidly.</p> - -<p>“I said, bring me an owl! If you pretend to -talk English you ought to understand that.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, sir. Certainly, sir. How would you -please to have the nowl?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_3"></a>[3]</span></p> - -<p>“Never you mind. You go and bring me an -owl, and don’t be too long about it.”</p> - -<p>The waiter was gone some little time, and, -then returning, said, “I am very sorry, sir, but -we cannot give you a nowl to-night. The barkeeper -is out of one of the materials for making -nowls. But I can bring you a very nice cocktail.”</p> - -<p>“Never mind,” replied the American. -“That’ll do. You can go now.”</p> - -<p>“I beg your pardon, sir,” said one of the -three anatomizers of the French people, speaking -with that air of addressing a vast popular -assemblage which is so characteristic of dignified -American conversationalists. “Would you -do me the favor to tell me and these gentlemen -why you ordered an owl?”</p> - -<p>“I don’t mind telling you,” was the answer, -“but I can’t very well do it without telling you -a story first.”</p> - -<p>“All right, Colonel. Give us the story, by all -means.”</p> - -<p>The elderly American leaned back in his -chair searching for inspiration with his gaze<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_4"></a>[4]</span> -fixed on the chandelier. He rolled his cigar -lightly from one corner of his mouth to the -other and back again, and presently began:</p> - -<p>“A parrot, gentlemen, is the meanest of all -creation. People who are acquainted with parrots, -and I don’t know that you are, generally -admit that there is nothing that can make a -parrot ashamed of himself. Now this is a mistake, -for I’ve seen a parrot made ashamed of -himself, and he was the most conceited parrot -that was ever seen outside of Congress. It -happened in this way.</p> - -<p>“I came home one day and found a parrot in -the house. My daughter Mamie had bought -him from a sailor who was tramping through the -town. Said he had been shipwrecked, and he -and the parrot were the only persons saved. He -had made up his mind never to part with that -bird, but he was so anxious to get to the town -where his mother lived that he would sell him -for a dollar. So Mamie she buys him, and -hangs him up in the parlor and waits for him -to talk.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_5"></a>[5]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp48" id="illus01" style="max-width: 28.125em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus01.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“ASKING THE CAT IF HE HAD EVER SEEN A MOUSE.”</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_6"></a>[6]</span></p> - -<p>“It turned out that the parrot couldn’t talk -anything but Spanish, and very little of that. -And he wouldn’t learn a word of English, -though my daughter worked over him as if he -had been a whole Sunday-school. But one day -he all at once began to teach himself English. -Invented a sort of Ollendorff way of studying, -perhaps because he had heard Mamie studying -French that way. He’d begin by saying, ‘Does -Polly want a cracker?’ and then he’d go on and -ring the changes. For example, just to give -you an idea of the system, he’d say, ‘Does Polly -want the lead cracker of the plumber or the -gold cracker of the candlestick maker?’ and -then he’d answer, ‘No, Polly does not want the -lead cracker of the plumber nor the gold cracker -of the candlestick maker, but the large steel -cracker of the blacksmith.’ He used to study -in this way three hours every morning and -three every afternoon, and never stop for Sundays, -being, as I suppose, a Roman Catholic, -and not a Sabbath-keeping bird. I never saw -a bird so bent on learning a language as this -one was, and he fetched it. In three months’ -time that parrot could talk English as well as<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_7"></a>[7]</span> -you or I, and a blamed sight better than that -waiter who pretends that he talks English. The -trouble was the parrot would talk all the time -when he was not asleep. My wife is no slouch -at talking, but I’ve seen her burst into tears -and say, ‘It’s no use, I can’t get in a word edgewise.’ -And no more could she. That bird was -just talking us deaf, dumb, and blind. The cat, -he gave it up at an early stage of the proceedings. -The parrot was so personal in his remarks—asking -the cat if he had ever seen a -mouse in his whole life, and wanting to know -who it was that helped him to paint the back -fence red the other night, till the cat, after cursing -till all was blue, went out of the house and -never showed up again. He hadn’t the slightest -regard for anybody’s feelings, that bird -hadn’t. No parrot ever has.</p> - -<p>“He wasn’t content with talking three-fourths -of the time, but he had a habit of thinking out -loud which was far worse than his conversation. -For instance, when young Jones called of an -evening on my daughter, the parrot would say, -‘Well, I suppose that young idiot will stay till<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_8"></a>[8]</span> -midnight, and keep the whole house awake as -usual.’ Or when the Unitarian minister came -to see my wife the parrot would just as likely -as not remark, ‘Why don’t he hire a hall if he -must preach, instead of coming here and wearing -out the furniture?’ Nobody would believe -that the parrot made these remarks of his own -accord, but insisted that we must have taught -them to him. Naturally, folks didn’t like this -sort of thing, and after a while hardly anybody -came inside our front door.</p> - -<p>“And then that bird developed a habit of -bragging that was simply disgusting. He -would sit up by the hour and brag about his -superiority to other birds, and the beauty of his -feathers, and his cage, and the gorgeousness of -the parlor, and the general meanness of everything -except himself and his possessions. He -made me so tired that I sometimes wished I -were deaf. You see, it was the infernal ignorance -of the bird that aggravated me. He -didn’t know a thing of the world outside of -our parlor; and yet he’d brag and brag till you -couldn’t rest.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_9"></a>[9]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" id="illus02" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus02.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“THE PARROT BEGAN BY TRYING TO DAZZLE THE OWL WITH -HIS CONVERSATION, BUT IT WOULDN’T WORK.”</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_10"></a>[10]</span></p> - -<p>“You may ask why didn’t we kill him, or -sell him, or give him to the missionaries, or -something of that sort. Well, Mamie, she said -it would be the next thing to murder if we were -to wring his neck; and that selling him would -be about the same as the slave-trade. She -wouldn’t let me take the first step toward getting -rid of the parrot, and the prospect was that -he’d drive us clean out of the house.</p> - -<p>“One day a man who had had considerable -experience of parrots happened to come in, and -when I complained of the bird he said, ‘Why -don’t you get an owl? You get an owl and -hang him up close to that parrot’s cage, and in -about two days you’ll find that your bird’s dead -sick of unprofitable conversation.’</p> - -<p>“Well, I got a small owl and put him in a -cage close to the parrot’s cage. The parrot -began by trying to dazzle the owl with his conversation, -but it wouldn’t work. The owl sat -and looked at the parrot just as solemn as a -minister whose salary has been cut down, and -after a while the parrot tried him with Spanish. -It wasn’t of any use. Not a word would the<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_11"></a>[11]</span> -owl let on to understand. Then the parrot tried -bragging, and laid himself out to make the owl -believe that of all the parrots in existence he -was the ablest. But he couldn’t turn a feather -of the owl. That noble bird sat silent as the -grave, and looked at the parrot as if to say, -‘This is indeed a melancholy exhibition of imbecility!’ -Well, before night that parrot was -so ashamed of himself that he closed for repairs, -and from that day forth he never spoke an unnecessary -word. Such, gentlemen, is the influence -of example even on the worst of birds.”</p> - -<p>The American lit a fresh cigar, and pulling -his hat over his eyes, fell into profound meditation. -His three auditors made no comment on -his story, and did not repeat the inquiry why -he had asked the waiter for an owl. They -smoked in silence for some moments, and then -one of them invited the other two to step over -to Henry’s and take something—an invitation -which they promptly accepted, and the smoking-room -knew them no more that night.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_12"></a>[12]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" style="max-width: 31.25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/header2.jpg" alt="" /> -</div> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="JEWSEPPY">JEWSEPPY.</h2> - -</div> - -<p>“Yes, sir!” said the Colonel. “Being an -American, I’m naturally in favor of elevating -the oppressed and down-trodden, provided, of -course, they live in other countries. All Americans -are in favor of Home Rule for Ireland, -because it would elevate the Irish masses and -keep them at home; but if I were living in Ireland, -perhaps I might prefer elevating Russian -Jews or Bulgarian Christians. You see, the -trouble with elevating the oppressed at home is -that the moment you get them elevated they -begin to oppress you. There is no better fellow -in the world than the Irishman, so long as you -govern him; but when he undertakes to govern -you it’s time to look out for daybreak to westward. -You see, we’ve been there and know -all about it.</p> - -<p>“Did I ever tell you about Jewseppy? He<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_13"></a>[13]</span> -was an organ-grinder, and, take him by and -large, he was the best organ-grinder I ever met. -He could throw an amount of expression into -‘Annie Rooney,’ or, it might be, ‘The Old -Folks at Home,’ that would make the strongest -men weep and heave anything at him that they -could lay their hands to. He wasn’t a Jew, as -you might suppose from his name, but only -an Italian—‘Jewseppy’ being what the Italians -would probably call a Christian name if they -were Christians. I knew him when I lived in -Oshkosh, some twenty years ago. My daughter, -who had studied Italian, used to talk to him -in his native language; that is, she would ask -him if he was cold, or hungry, or ashamed, or -sleepy, as the books direct, but as he never answered -in the way laid down in the books, my -daughter couldn’t understand a word he said, -and so the conversation would begin to flag. I -used to talk to him in English, which he could -speak middling well, and I found him cranky, -but intelligent.</p> - -<p>“He was a little, wizened, half-starved-looking -man, and if he had only worn shabby black<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_14"></a>[14]</span> -clothes, you would have taken him for a millionaire’s -confidential clerk, he was so miserable -in appearance. He had two crazes—one -was for monkeys, who were, he said, precisely -like men, only they had four hands and tails, -which they could use as lassoes, all of which were -in the nature of modern improvements, and -showed that they were an advance on the original -pattern of men. His other craze was his -sympathy for the oppressed. He wanted to liberate -everybody, including convicts, and have -every one made rich by law and allowed to do -anything he might want to do. He was what -you would call an Anarchist to-day, only he -didn’t believe in disseminating his views by -dynamite.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_15"></a>[15]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp58" id="illus03" style="max-width: 34.375em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus03.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“SHE WOULD ASK HIM IF HE WAS COLD OR HUNGRY.”</p> -</div> - -<p>“He had a monkey that died of consumption, -and the way that Jewseppy grieved for the -monkey would have touched the heart of an -old-fashioned Calvinist, let alone a heart of ordinary -stone. For nearly a month he wandered -around without his organ, occasionally doing -odd jobs of work, which made most people think -that he was going out of his mind. But one<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_16"></a>[16]</span> -day a menagerie came to town, and in the menagerie -was what the show-bill called a gorilla. -It wasn’t a genuine gorilla, as Professor Amariah -G. Twitchell, of our university, proved -after the menagerie men had refused to give -him and his family free tickets. However, it -was an animal to that effect, and it would probably -have made a great success, for our public, -though critical, is quick to recognize real -merit, if it wasn’t that the beast was very sick. -This was Jewseppy’s chance, and he went for -it as if he had been a born speculator. He offered -to buy the gorilla for two dollars, and the -menagerie men, thinking the animal was as -good as dead, were glad to get rid of it, and -calculated that Jewseppy would never get the -worth of the smallest fraction of his two dollars. -There is where they got left, for Jewseppy -knew more about monkeys than any man living, -and could cure any sick monkey that -called him in, provided, of course, the disease -was one which medical science could collar. -In the course of a month he got the gorilla -thoroughly repaired, and was giving him lessons<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_17"></a>[17]</span> -in the theory and practice of organ-grinding.</p> - -<p>“The gorilla didn’t take to the work kindly, -which, Jewseppy said, was only another proof -of his grand intellect, but Jewseppy trained -him so well that it was not long before he could -take the animal with him when he went out -with the organ, and have him pass the plate. -The gorilla always had a line round his waist, -and Jewseppy held the end of it, and sort of -telegraphed to him through it when he wanted -him to come back to the organ. Then, too, he -had a big whip, and he had to use it on the -gorilla pretty often. Occasionally he had to -knock the animal over the head with the butt -end of the whip-handle, especially when he was -playing something on the organ that the gorilla -didn’t like, such as ‘Marching through Georgia,’ -for instance. The gorilla was a great -success as a plate-passer, for all the men were -anxious to see the animal, and all the women -were afraid not to give something when the -beast put the plate under their noses. You see, -he was as strong as two or three men, and his<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_18"></a>[18]</span> -arms were as long as the whole of his body, not -to mention that his face was a deep blue, all of -which helped to make him the most persuasive -beast that ever took up a collection.</p> - -<p>“Jewseppy had so much to say to me about -the gorilla’s wonderful intelligence that he made -me tired, and one day I asked him if he thought -it was consistent with his principles to keep the -animal in slavery. ‘You say he is all the same -as a man,’ said I. ‘Then why don’t you give -him a show? You keep him oppressed and -down-trodden the whole time. Why don’t you -let him grind the organ for a while, and take up -the collection yourself? Turn about is fair play, -and I can’t see why the gorilla shouldn’t have -his turn at the easy end of the business.’ The -idea seemed to strike Jewseppy where he lived. -He was a consistent idiot. I’ll give him credit -for that. He wasn’t ready to throw over his -theories every time he found they didn’t pay. -Now that I had pointed out to him his duty -toward the gorilla, he was disposed to do it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_19"></a>[19]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp53" id="illus04" style="max-width: 31.25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus04.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“THE GORILLA WAS A GREAT SUCCESS.”</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_20"></a>[20]</span></p> - -<p>“You see, he reasoned that while it would only -be doing justice to the beast to change places -with him, it would probably increase the receipts. -When a man can do his duty and make -money by it his path is middling plain; and -after Jewseppy had thought it over he saw that -he must do justice to the gorilla without delay.</p> - -<p>“It didn’t take the beast long to learn the -higher branches of hand-organing.</p> - -<p>“He saw the advantages of putting the money -in his own pocket instead of collecting it and -handing it over to Jewseppy, and he grasped -the idea that when he was pushing the little -cart that carried the organ and turning the -handle, he was holding a much better place in -the community than when he was dancing and -begging at the end of a rope. I thought, a day -or two after I had talked to Jewseppy, that -there was considerable uproar in town, but I -didn’t investigate it until toward evening, when -there seemed to be a sort of riot or temperance -meeting, or something of the kind, in front of -my house, and I went out to see about it. There -were nearly two thousand people there watching -Jewseppy and his gorilla, or rather the gorilla -and his Jewseppy. The little man had been<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_21"></a>[21]</span> -elevating the oppressed with great success. A -long rope was tied around his waist, and he -was trotting around among the people, taking -up the collection and dancing between times.</p> - -<p>“The gorilla was wearing Jewseppy’s coat, -and was grinding away at the organ with one -hand and holding Jewseppy’s rope with the -other. Every few minutes he would haul in -the rope, hand over hand, empty all the money -out of Jewseppy’s pocket, and start him out -again. If the man stopped to speak to anybody -for a moment the gorilla would haul him in and -give him a taste of the whip, and if he didn’t -collect enough money to suit the gorilla’s idea, -the animal would hold him out at arm’s length -with one hand and lay into him with the other -till the crowd were driven wild with delight. -Nothing could induce them to think that Jewseppy -was in earnest when he begged them to -protect him. They supposed it was all a part -of the play, and the more he implored them to -set him free, the more they laughed and said -that ‘thish yer Eyetalian was a bang-up actor.’</p> - -<p>“As soon as Jewseppy saw me he began to tell<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_22"></a>[22]</span> -me of his sufferings. His story lacked continuity, -as you might say, for he would no sooner -get started in his narrative than the gorilla -would jerk the rope as a reminder to him to attend -strictly to business if he wanted to succeed -in his profession. Jewseppy said that as soon -as he tied the rope around his waist and put the -handle of the organ in the gorilla’s hand the -beast saw his chance and proceeded to take advantage -of it. He had already knocked the -man down twice with the handle of the whip, -and had lashed him till he was black and blue, -besides keeping him at work since seven o’clock -that morning without anything to eat or drink.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_23"></a>[23]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp56" id="illus05" style="max-width: 32.8125em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus05.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“WEARING JEWSEPPY’S COAT, AND WAS GRINDING AWAY AT THE ORGAN.”</p> -</div> - -<p>“At this point the gorilla hauled Jewseppy in -and gave him a fairly good thrashing for wasting -his time in conversation. When the man -came around again with the plate I told him -that he was taking in more money than he had -ever taken in before, and that this ought to console -him, even if the consciousness that he was -doing justice to the oppressed had no charms -for him. I’m sorry to say that Jewseppy used -such bad language that I really couldn’t stay<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_24"></a>[24]</span> -and listen to him any longer. I understood him -to say that the gorilla took possession of every -penny that was collected, and would be sure to -spend it on himself, but as this was only what -Jewseppy had been accustomed to do it ought -not to have irritated a man with a real sense of -justice. Of course I was sorry that the little -man was being ill treated, but he was tough, -and I thought that it would not hurt him if the -gorilla were to carry out his course of instruction -in the duty of elevating the oppressed a -little longer. I have always been sort of sorry -that I did not interfere, for although Jewseppy -was only a foreigner who couldn’t vote, and -was besides altogether too set in his ideas, I -didn’t want him to come to any real harm. -After that day no man ever saw Jewseppy, dead -or alive. He was seen about dusk two or three -miles from town on the road to Sheboygan. He -was still tied to the rope and was using a lot -of bad language, while the gorilla was frequently -reminding him with the whip of the -real duties of his station and the folly of discontent -and rebellion. That was the last anybody<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_25"></a>[25]</span> -ever saw of the Italian. The gorilla turned -up the next day at a neighboring town with his -organ, but without anybody to take up the collection -for him, and as the menagerie happened -to be there the menagerie men captured him -and put him back in his old cage, after having -confiscated the organ. No one thought of making -any search for Jewseppy, for, as I have said, -he had never been naturalized and had no vote, -and there were not enough Italians in that part -of the country to induce any one to take an interest -in bringing them to the polls. It was -generally believed that the gorilla had made -away with Jewseppy, thinking that he could -carry on the organ business to more advantage -without him. It’s always been my impression -that if Jewseppy had lived he would have been -cured of the desire to elevate the down-trodden, -except, of course, in foreign countries. He -was an excellent little man—enthusiastic, warm-hearted, -and really believing in his talk about -the rights of monkeys and the duty of elevating -everybody. But there isn’t the least doubt that -he made a mistake when he tried to do justice -to that gorilla.”</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_26"></a>[26]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" style="max-width: 31.25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/header3.jpg" alt="" /> -</div> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="THAT_LITTLE_FRENCHMAN">THAT LITTLE FRENCHMAN.</h2> - -</div> - -<p>“Does anybody doubt my patriotism?” asked -the Colonel. We all hastened to say that we -should as soon doubt our own existence. Had -he not made a speech no longer ago than last -Fourth of July, showing that America was destined -to have a population of 1,000,000,000 and -that England was on the verge of extinction? -Had he not perilled his life in the cause of freedom, -and was he not tireless in insisting that -every Chinaman should be driven out of the -United States? If there ever was one American -more patriotic than another it was the -Colonel.</p> - -<p>“Well, then,” continued the speaker, “you -won’t misunderstand me when I say that the -American railroad car is a hundred times more -dangerous than these European compartment -cars. In thirty years there have been just four<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_27"></a>[27]</span> -felonious assaults in English railroad cars. -There have been a few more than that in France, -but not a single one in Germany. Now, I admit -that you are in no danger of being shot in an -American car, unless, of course, two gentlemen -happen to have a difficulty and shoot wild, or -unless the train is held up by train robbers who -are a little too free with their weapons. But I -do say that the way in which we heat our cars -with coal-stoves kills thousands of passengers -with pneumonia and burns hundreds alive -when the trains are wrecked.</p> - -<p>“You see, I’ve looked into this thing and -I’ve got the statistics down fine. I’m the only -man I know who ever had any trouble with -a passenger while travelling in Europe, and I -don’t mind telling you about it, although it will -be giving myself away. Kindly push me over -those matches, will you? These French cigars -take a lot of fuel, and you have to encourage -them with a match every three minutes if you -expect them to burn.</p> - -<p>“When I was over here in Paris, ten years -ago, there was a fellow here from Chicago who<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_28"></a>[28]</span> -was trying to introduce American cars, and he -gave me a pamphlet he had got up showing the -horrors of the compartment system. It told of -half a dozen murders, fifteen assaults, eleven -cases of blackmail, and four cases in which a -solitary traveller was shut up in a compartment -with a lunatic—all these incidents having occurred -on European railways. I was on my way -to Egypt, and when I had read the pamphlet I -began to wonder if I should ever manage to live -through the railroad journey without being -killed, or blackmailed, or lunaticked, or something -of the kind. You see, I believed the -stories then, though I know now that about -half of them were false.</p> - -<p>“I took the express train—the Peninsular and -Oriental they call it—from Paris about twelve -o’clock one night. I went early to the train, -and until just before we started I thought I -was going to have the compartment to myself. -All at once a man very much out of breath -jumped in, the door was slammed, and we -were off.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_29"></a>[29]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp50" id="illus06" style="max-width: 29.6875em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus06.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“‘DOES ANYBODY DOUBT MY PATRIOTISM?’ ASKED THE COLONEL.”</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_30"></a>[30]</span></p> - -<p>“I didn’t like the looks of the fellow. He -was a Frenchman, though of course that wasn’t -his fault. He was small but wiry-looking, and -his sharp black eyes were not the style of eyes -that inspires me with confidence. Then he had -no baggage except a small paper parcel, which -was queer, considering that the train was a long-distance -one. I kept a close watch on him for a -while, thinking that he might be one of the professional -lunatics that, according to the Chicago -chap’s pamphlet, are always travelling in order -to frighten solitary passengers; but after a while -I became so sleepy that I decided to lie down -and take a nap and my chances of being killed -at the same time. Just then the man gets up -and begins to talk to me in French.</p> - -<p>“Now, I needn’t say that I don’t speak French -nor any of those fool languages. Good American -is good enough for me. One reason why -these Europeans have been enslaved for centuries -is that they can’t make each other understand -their views without shouting at the top of -their lungs, and so bringing the police about their -ears. But I did happen to know, or thought -I did, the French word for going to sleep,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_31"></a>[31]</span> -and so I thought I would just heave it at this -chap so that he would understand that I didn’t -require his conversation. I have always found -that if you talk to a Frenchman in English very -slowly and impressively he will get the hang of -what you say. That is, if he isn’t a cabman. -You can’t get an idea into a French cabman’s -head unless you work it in with a club. So I -said to the fellow in the train: ‘My friend! I -haven’t any time to waste in general conversation. -I’m going to sleep, and I advise you to -do the same. You can tell me all about your -institutions and your revolutions and things in -the morning.’ And then I hove in the French -word ‘cochon,’ which I supposed meant something -like ‘Now I lay me down to sleep.’</p> - -<p>“The fellow staggered back as if I had hit -him, and then he began to sling the whole -French language at me. I calculate that he -could have given Bob Ingersoll fifty points in a -hundred and beaten him, and, as you know, -Bob is the ablest vituperator now in the business. -The Frenchman kept on raving and getting -madder and madder every minute, and I<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_32"></a>[32]</span> -saw that there wasn’t the least doubt that he -was a dangerous lunatic.</p> - -<p>“I stood up and let him talk for a while, occasionally -saying ‘non comprenny’ and ‘cochon,’ -just to soothe him, but presently he came close -to me and shook his fist in my face. This was -too much, so I took him by the shoulders and -slammed him down in a corner seat, and said, -‘You sit there, sonny, and keep quiet, or you’ll -end by getting me to argue with you.’ But the -minute I let go of him he bounced up again as -if he was made of India-rubber, and came at me -just as a terrier will come at a horse, pretending -that he is going to tear him into small -pieces. So I slammed him down into his corner -again, and said, ‘This foolishness has gone far -enough, and we’ll have it stopped right here. -Didn’t you hear me say cochon? I’m going to -cochon, and you’d better cochon, too, or I’ll -make you.’</p> - -<p>“This time he jumped up as soon as I had let -go of him and tried to hit me. Of course I -didn’t want to hit so small a chap, letting alone -that he knew no more about handling his fists<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_33"></a>[33]</span> -than the angel Gabriel, so I just took and twisted -his arms behind his back and tied them with a -shawl-strap. Then, seeing as he showed a reprehensible -disposition to kick, I put another strap -around his legs and stretched him on the seat -with his bundle under his head. But kindness -was thrown away on that Frenchman. He -tried to bite me, and not content with spitting -like a cat, he set up a yell that was the next -thing to the locomotive whistle, and rolling off -the seat tried to kick at me with both legs.</p> - -<p>“I let him exercise himself for a few minutes, -while I got my hair-brush and some twine out -of my bag. Then I put him back on the seat, -gagged him with the handle of the hair-brush, -and lashed him to the arm of the seat so that -he couldn’t roll off. Then I offered him a drink, -but he shook his head, not having any manners, -in spite of what people say about the politeness -of Frenchmen. Having secured my own safety -and made the lunatic reasonably comfortable, I -turned in and went to sleep. I must have slept -very sound, for although the train stopped two or -three times during the night, I never woke up<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_34"></a>[34]</span> -until we pulled up for breakfast about eight -o’clock the next morning. I sat up and looked at -my lunatic, who was wide awake and glaring at -me. I wished him good-morning, for I couldn’t -bear any grudge against a crazy man; but he -only rolled his eyes and seemed madder than -ever, so I let him lie and got out of the train.</p> - -<p>“Two policemen were walking up and down -the platform, and I took one of them by the arm -and led him to the car, explaining what had -happened. I don’t know whether he understood -or not, but he pretended that he didn’t.</p> - -<p>“As soon as he saw the lunatic there was a -pretty row. He called two more policemen, and -after they had ungagged the fellow they hauled -us both before a magistrate who had his office -in the railroad station. At least he acted like -a magistrate, although he wore the same uniform -as the policemen. Here the fellow I had -travelled with was allowed to speak first, and -he charged me, as I afterward found, with having -first insulted and then assaulted him. He -said he rather thought I was a lunatic, but at -any rate he must have my blood. Then an interpreter -was sent for, and I told my story, but -I could see that nobody believed me.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_35"></a>[35]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" id="illus07" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus07.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“THEY HAULED US BOTH BEFORE A MAGISTRATE.”</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_36"></a>[36]</span></p> - -<p>“‘Accused,’ said the magistrate very sternly, -‘you called this gentleman a pig. What was -your motive?’</p> - -<p>“Of course I swore that I had never called -him a pig, that I hardly knew half a dozen -words of his infamous language, and that I had -used only one of those. Being asked what it -was, I said ‘cochon.’ And then that idiot ordered -me to be locked up.</p> - -<p>“By rare good luck there happened to be an -American secretary of legation on the train. -You know him. It was Hiram G. Trask, of -West Centreopolis. He recognized me, and it -didn’t take him very long to explain the whole -affair. It seems that the Frenchman had asked -me if I objected to smoking, and when I tried -to tell him that we ought to go to sleep, I said -‘cochon,’ which means pig, instead of ‘couchons,’ -which was the word I ought to have used. -He was no more of a lunatic than a Frenchman -naturally is, but he was disgusted at being carried -two hundred miles beyond his destination,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_37"></a>[37]</span> -which was the first stopping-place beyond Paris, -and I don’t know that I blame him very much. -And then, too, he seemed to feel that his dignity -had been some ruffled by being gagged and -bound. However, both he and the policemen -listened to reason, and the man agreed to compromise -on my paying him damages and withdrawing -the assertion that he was morally or -physically a pig. The affair cost considerable, -but it taught me a lesson, and I have quit believing -that you can’t travel in a European railroad -car without being locked up with a lunatic -or a murderer. I admit that the whole trouble -was due to my foolishness. When the Frenchman -began to make a row, I ought to have -killed him and dropped the body out of the -door, instead of fooling with him half the night -and trying to make him comfortable. But we -can’t always command presence of mind or see -just where our duty lies at all times.”</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_38"></a>[38]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" style="max-width: 31.25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/header4.jpg" alt="" /> -</div> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="THOMPSONS_TOMBSTONE">THOMPSON’S TOMBSTONE.</h2> - -</div> - -<p>We had just dined in the little Parisian restaurant -where Americans are in the habit of -going in order to obtain those truly French delicacies, -pork and beans, buckwheat cakes, corned -beef, apple pie, and overgrown oysters. I knew -a man from Chicago who dined at this restaurant -every day during the entire month spent -by him in Paris, and who, at the end of that -time, said that he was heartily sick of French -cookery. Thus does the profound study of the -manners and customs of foreign nations enlighten -the mind and ripen the judgment.</p> - -<p>The Colonel had finished his twelfth buckwheat -cake and had lighted his cigar, when he -casually and reprovingly remarked to young -Lathrop, who, on principle, was disputing the -bill with the waiter, that “he was making more -trouble than Thompson’s tombstone.” Being<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_39"></a>[39]</span> -called upon to explain this dark saying, he -stretched his legs to their limit, tipped back his -chair, knocked the ashes of his cigar among the -remnants of his pork and beans, and launched -into his story.</p> - -<p>“In the town where I was raised—and I’m -not going to give away the name of it at present—there -were two brothers, James and John -Thompson. They were twins and about forty -years old, as I should judge. James was a -bachelor and John he was a widower, and they -were both pretty well to do in the world, for -those times at least. John was a farmer and -James was a wagon maker and owned the village -hearse besides, which he let out for funerals, -generally driving it himself, so that any profit -that was to be made out of a melancholy occasion -he could make without sharing it with -anybody. Both the men were close-fisted, and -would look at a dollar until their eyesight began -to fail before they could bring themselves to -spend it. It was this miserly spirit that brought -about the trouble that I’m going to tell you of.</p> - -<p>“After John Thompson had been a widower<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_40"></a>[40]</span> -so long that the unmarried women had given up -calling on him to ask his advice about the best -way of raising money for the heathen, and had -lost all expectation that any one of them would -ever gather him in, he suddenly ups and marries -Maria Slocum, who used to keep a candy store -next door to the school-house and had been a -confirmed old maid for twenty years. She had -a little money, though, and folks did say that -she could have married James Thompson if she -had been willing to take the risk; but the fact -that James always had the hearse standing in -his carriage-house made him unpopular with -the ladies. She took John because his views -on infant baptism agreed with hers, and he -took her because she had a good reputation for -making pies and was economical and religious.</p> - -<p>“The Thompson brothers owned burial lots -in the new cemetery that were close together. -James, of course, had, so far, no use for his lot, -but John had begun to settle his by burying his -first wife in about the middle of it. The lot -was a good-sized one, with accommodation for a -reasonably large family without crowding them,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_41"></a>[41]</span> -and without, at the same time, scattering them -in any unsocial way. I don’t know how it -came about, but no sooner was John married -than he took a notion to put up a tombstone over -his first wife. He thought that as he was going -to incur such an expense he would manage it -so that he wouldn’t have to incur it again; and -so he got up a design for a combination family -tombstone, and had it made, and carved, and -lettered, and set up in his burial lot.</p> - -<p>“Near the top of the stone was John Thompson’s -name, the date of his birth, and a blank -space for the date of his death. Next came the -name of ‘Sarah Jane, beloved wife of the -above,’ and the date of her birth and death. -Then came the name of ‘Maria, beloved and -lamented wife of the above John Thompson,’ -with the date of her birth and a space for the -date of her death. You see, John worked in -this little compliment about Maria being ‘lamented’ -so as to reconcile her to having the date -of her birth given away to the public. The -lower half of the tombstone was left vacant so -as to throw in a few children should any such<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_42"></a>[42]</span> -contingency arise, and the whole advertisement -ended with a verse of a hymn setting forth that -the entire Thompson family was united in a -better land above.</p> - -<p>“The cost of the affair was about the same -as that of one ordinary tombstone, the maker -agreeing to enter the dates of John’s death and -of his wife’s death free of charge whenever the -time for so doing might arrive; and also agreeing -to enter the names of any children that -might appear at a very low rate. The tombstone -attracted a great deal of attention, and -the summer visitors from the city never failed -to go and see it. John was proud of his stroke -of economy, and used to say that he wasn’t in -danger of being bankrupted by any epidemic, -as those people were who held that every person -must have his separate tombstone. Everybody -admitted that the Thompson tombstone gave -more general amusement to the public than any -other tombstone in the whole cemetery. Every -summer night John used to walk over to his lot -and smoke his pipe, leaning on the fence and -reading over the inscriptions. And then he<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_43"></a>[43]</span> -would go and take a fresh look at the Rogers’ -lot, where there were nine different tombstones, -and chuckle to think how much they must have -cost old man Rogers, who had never thought of -a combination family tomb. In the course of -about three years the inscriptions had grown, -for there had been added the names of Charles -Henry and William Everett Thompson, ‘children -of the above John and Maria Thompson,’ -and John calculated that with squeezing he -could enter four more children on the same -stone, though he didn’t really think that he -would ever have any call so to do.</p> - -<p>“Well, a little after the end of the third year -John’s troubles began. He took up with Second -Advent notions and believed that the end of -the world would arrive, as per schedule, on the -21st of November, at 8:30 <span class="allsmcap">A.M.</span> Maria said -that this was not orthodox and that she wouldn’t -allow any such talk around her house. Both of -them were set in their ways, and what with -John expressing his views with his whip-handle -and Maria expressing hers with the rolling-pin, -they didn’t seem to get on very well together,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_44"></a>[44]</span> -and one day Maria left the house and took the -train to Chicago, where she got a divorce and -came back a free and independent woman. -That wasn’t all: James Thompson now saw his -chance. He offered to sell out the hearse business, -and after waiting ten months, so as to give -no opportunity for scandal, Maria married him.</p> - -<p>“John didn’t seem to mind the loss of his -wife very much until it happened to occur to -him that his combination family tombstone -would have to be altered, now that Maria was -not his wife any longer. He was a truthful -man, and he felt that he couldn’t sleep in peace -under a tombstone that was constantly telling -such a thumping lie as that Maria was resting -in the same burying-lot and that she was his -beloved wife, when, in point of fact, she was -another man’s wife and would be, at the proper -time, lying in that other man’s part of the -cemetery. So he made up his mind to have -the marble-cutter chisel out Maria’s name and -the date of her birth. But before this was -done he saw that it wouldn’t be the square thing -so far as Charles Henry and William Everett<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_45"></a>[45]</span> -were concerned. It would be playing it low -down on those helpless children to allow that -tombstone to assert that they were the children -of John Thompson and some unspecified woman<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_46"></a>[46]</span> -called Maria, who, whatever else she may have -been, was certainly not John Thompson’s wife. -Matters would not be improved if the name of -Maria were to be cut out of the line which stated -the parentage of the children, for in that case it -would appear that they had been independently -developed by John, without the intervention of -any wife, which would be sure to give rise to -gossip and all sorts of suspicions.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp64" id="illus08" style="max-width: 37.5em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus08.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“DIDN’T SEEM TO GET ON VERY WELL TOGETHER.”</p> -</div> - -<p>“Of course the difficulty could have been settled -by erasing from the tombstone all reference -to Maria and her two children, but in that case -a separate stone for the children would some -day become necessary, and, what was of more -consequence, John’s grand idea of a combination -tombstone would have to be completely -abandoned. John was not a hasty man, and -after thinking the matter over until the mental -struggle turned his hair gray, he decided to -compromise the matter by putting a sort of -petticoat around the lower half of the tombstone, -which would hide all reference to Maria -and the children. This was easily done with -the aid of an old pillow-case, and the tombstone<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_47"></a>[47]</span> -became more an object of interest to the public -than ever, while John, so to speak, sat down -to wait for better times.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp87" id="illus09" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus09.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“THE TOMBSTONE BECAME MORE AN OBJECT OF INTEREST TO THE -PUBLIC THAN EVER.”</p> -</div> - -<p>“Now, James had been thinking over the -tombstone problem, and fancied that he had -found a solution of it that would put money in -his own pocket and at the same time satisfy<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_48"></a>[48]</span> -his brother. He proposed to John that the inscription -should be altered so as to read: ‘Maria, -formerly wife of John and afterward of James -Thompson,’ and that a hand should be carved -on the stone with an index-finger pointing -toward James’ lot, and a line in small type saying, -‘See small tombstone.’ James said that -he would pay the cost of putting up a small uninscribed -stone in his own lot over the remains -of Maria—waiting, of course, until she should -come to be remains—and that John could pay -the cost of altering the inscriptions on the large -stone. The two brothers discussed this scheme -for months, each of them being secretly satisfied -with it, but John maintaining that James should -pay all the expenses.</p> - -<p>“This James would not do, for he reasoned -that unless John came to his terms the combination -tombstone would be of no good to anybody, -and that if he remained firm John would come -round to his proposal in time.</p> - -<p>“There isn’t the least doubt that this would -have been the end of the affair, if it had not -been that James chuckled over it so much that<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_49"></a>[49]</span> -one day he chuckled a fishbone into his throat -and choked to death on the spot. He was buried -in his own lot, with nothing but a wooden headboard -to mark the spot. His widow said that -if he had been anxious to have a swell marble -monument he would have made provision for it -in his lifetime, and as he had done nothing of -the kind, she could not see that she had any -call to waste her money on worldly vanities.</p> - -<p>“How did this settle the affair of the combination -tombstone? I’m just telling you. You -see, by this time the world had not come to an -end, and John, who always hated people who -didn’t keep their engagements, seeing that the -Second Adventists didn’t keep theirs, left them -and returned to the regular Baptist fold. When -his brother died he went to the funeral, and did -what little he could, in an inexpensive way, to -comfort the widow. The long and short of it -was that they became as friendly as they ever -had been, and John finally proposed that Maria -should marry him again. ‘You know, Maria,’ -he said, ‘that we never disagreed except about -that Second Advent nonsense. You were right<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_50"></a>[50]</span> -about that and I was wrong, as the event has -proved, and now that we’re agreed once more, -I don’t see as there is anything to hinder our -getting married again.’</p> - -<p>“Maria said that she had a comfortable support, -and she couldn’t feel that it was the will -of Providence for her to be married so often, -considering how many poor women there were -who couldn’t get a single husband.</p> - -<p>“‘Well,’ continued John, ‘there is that there -tombstone. It always pleased you and I was -always proud of it. If we don’t get married -again that tombstone is as good as thrown -away, and it seems unchristian to throw away -a matter of seventy-five dollars when the whole -thing could be arranged so easy.’</p> - -<p>“The argument was one which Maria felt -that she could not resist, and so, after she had -mourned James Thompson for a fitting period, -she married John a second time, and the tombstone’s -reputation for veracity was restored. -John and Maria often discussed the feasibility -of selling James’ lot and burying him where -the combination tombstone would take him in,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_51"></a>[51]</span> -but there was no more room for fresh inscriptions, -and besides, John didn’t see his way clear -to stating in a short and impressive way the -facts as to the relationship between James and -Maria. So, on the whole, he judged it best to let -James sleep in his own lot, and let the combination -tombstone testify only to the virtues of -John Thompson and his family. That’s the -story of Thompson’s tombstone, and if you don’t -believe it I can show you a photograph of the -stone with all the inscriptions. I’ve got it in -my trunk at this very moment, and when we go -back to the hotel, if you remind me of it, I’ll -get it out.”</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_52"></a>[52]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" style="max-width: 31.25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/header5.jpg" alt="" /> -</div> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="A_UNION_MEETING">A UNION MEETING.</h2> - -</div> - -<p>“Well, sir,” said the Colonel, “since you -ask me what struck me most forcibly during -my tour of England, and supposing that you -want a civil answer to a civil question, I will -say that the thing that astonished me more than -anything else was the lack of religious enterprise -in England.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp87" id="illus10" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus10.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“THE LACK OF RELIGIOUS ENTERPRISE IN ENGLAND.”</p> -</div> - -<p>“I have visited nearly every section of your -country, and what did I find? Why, sir, in -every town there was a parish church of the -regulation pattern and one other kind of church, -which was generally some sort of Methodist in -its persuasion. Now, in America there is hardly -a village which hasn’t half a dozen different -kinds of churches, and as a rule at least one of -them belongs to some brand-new denomination, -one that has just been patented and put on the -market, as you might say. When I lived in<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_53"></a>[53]</span> -Middleopolis, Iowa, there were only fifteen hundred -people in the place, but we had six kinds -of churches. There was the Episcopalian, the -Methodist, the Congregational, the Baptist, the -Presbyterian, the Unitarian, and the Unleavened -Disciples church, not to mention the colored -Methodist church, which, of course, we -didn’t count among respectable white denominations.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_54"></a>[54]</span> -All these churches were lively and aggressive, -and the Unleavened Disciples, that had -just been brought out, was as vigorous as the -oldest of them. All of them were furnishing -good preaching and good music, and striving -to outdo one another in spreading the Gospel -and raising the price of pew-rents. I could go -for two or three months to the Presbyterian -church, and then I could take a hack at the -Baptists and pass half a dozen Sundays with -the Methodists, and all this variety would not -cost me more than it would have cost to pay -pew-rent all the year round in any one church. -And then, besides the preaching, there were the -entertainments that each church had to get up -if it didn’t want to fall behind its rivals. We -had courses of lectures, and returned missionaries, -and ice-cream festivals till you couldn’t -rest. Why, although I am an old theatrical -manager, I should not like to undertake to run -a first-class American church in opposition to -one run by some young preacher who had been -trained to the business and knew just what the -popular religious taste demanded. I never was<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_55"></a>[55]</span> -mixed up in church business but once, and then -I found that I wasn’t in my proper sphere.”</p> - -<p>The Colonel chuckled slowly to himself, as -his custom was when anything amused him, -and I asked him to tell me his ecclesiastical -experience.</p> - -<p>“Well, this was the way of it,” he replied. -“One winter the leading citizens of the place -decided to get up a series of union meetings. -Perhaps you don’t know what a union meeting -is? I thought so. It bears out what I was -saying about your want of religious enterprise. -Well, it’s a sort of monster combination, as we -would say in the profession. All the churches -agree to hold meetings together, and all the -preaching talent of the whole of them is collected -in one pulpit, and each man preaches in turn. -Of course every minister has his own backers, -who are anxious to see him do himself and his -denomination credit, and who turn out in full -force so as to give him their support. The result -is that a union meeting will always draw, even -in a town where no single church can get a full -house, no matter what attractions it may offer.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_56"></a>[56]</span></p> - -<p>“Now, a fundamental rule of a union meeting -is that no doctrines are to be preached to -which any one could object. The Baptist -preacher is forbidden to say anything about -baptism, and the Methodist can’t allude to falling -from grace in a union meeting. This is -supposed to keep things peaceful and to avoid -arguments and throwing of hymn-books and -such-like proceedings, which would otherwise -be inevitable.</p> - -<p>“The union meetings had been in progress -for three or four nights when I looked into the -Presbyterian church, where they were held one -evening, just to see how the thing was drawing. -All the ministers in town, except the Episcopalian -minister, were sitting on the platform -waiting their cues. The Episcopalian minister -had been asked to join in the services, but he -had declined, saying that if it was all the same -to his dissenting and partially Christian friends -he would prefer to play a lone hand; and the -colored minister was serving out his time in -connection with some of his neighbors’ chickens -that, he said, had flown into his kitchen and<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_57"></a>[57]</span> -committed suicide there, so he couldn’t have -been asked, even if the white ministers had been -willing to unite with him.</p> - -<p>“The Presbyterian minister was finishing his -sermon when I entered, and soon as he had retired -the Baptist minister got up and gave out -a hymn which was simply crowded with Baptist -doctrine. I had often heard it, and I remember -that first verse, which ran this way:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“‘I’d rather be a Baptist</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And wear a smiling face,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Than for to be a Methodist</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And always fall from grace.’</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>“The hymn was no sooner given out than the -Methodist minister rose and claimed a foul, on -the ground that Baptist doctrine had been introduced -into a union meeting. There was no -manner of doubt that he was right, but the Baptists -in the congregation sang the hymn with -such enthusiasm that they drowned the minister’s -voice. But when the hymn was over there -was just a heavenly row. One Presbyterian -deacon actually went so far as to draw on a -Baptist elder, and there would have been blood<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_58"></a>[58]</span> -shed if the elder had not knocked him down -with a kerosene lamp, and convinced him that -drawing pistols in church was not the spirit of -the Gospel. Everybody was talking at once, -and the women who were not scolding were -crying. The meeting was beginning to look -like an enthusiastic political meeting in Cork, -when I rapped on the pulpit and called for -order. Everybody knew me and wanted to -hear what I had to say, so the meeting calmed -down, except near the door, where the Methodists -had got a large Baptist jammed into the -wood-box, and in the vestibule, where the Unitarians -had formed a ring to see the Unitarian -minister argue with an Unleavened Disciple.</p> - -<p>“I told the people that they were making a -big mistake in trying to run that sort of an -entertainment without an umpire. The idea -pleased them, and before I knew what was -going to be done they had passed a resolution -making me umpire and calling on me to decide -whether the Baptist hymn constituted a foul. -I decided that it did not, on the ground that, -according to the original agreement, no minister<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_59"></a>[59]</span> -was to preach any sectarian doctrines, but -that nothing was said about the hymns that -might be sung. Then I proposed that in order -to prevent any future disputes and to promote -brotherly feeling, a new system of singing -hymns should be adopted. I said, as far as I -can recollect, that singing hymns did not come -under the head of incidental music, but was a -sort of <i>entr’acte</i> music, intended to relax and -divert the audience while bracing up to hear the -next sermon. This being the case, it stood to -reason that hymn-singing should be made a real -pleasure, and not an occasion for hard feeling -and the general heaving of books and foot-stools. -‘Now,’ said I, ‘that can be managed in this -way. When you sing let everybody sing the -same tune, but each denomination sing whatever -words it prefers to sing. Everybody will -sing his own doctrines, but nobody will have -any call to feel offended.’</p> - -<p>“The idea was received with general enthusiasm, -especially among the young persons present, -and the objections made by a few hard-headed -old conservatives were overruled. The<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_60"></a>[60]</span> -next time singing was in order the Unitarian -minister selected a familiar short-metre tune, -and each minister told his private flock what -hymn to sing to it. Everybody sang at the top -of his or her lungs, and as nobody ever understands -the words that anybody else is singing, -there did not seem to be anything strange in -the singing of six different hymns to the same -tune. There was a moment when things were -a little strained in consequence of the Presbyterians, -who were a strong body, and had got -their second wind, singing a verse about predestination -with such vigor as partly to swamp -their rivals, but I decided that there was no -foul, and the audience, being rather tired with -their exertions, settled down to listen to the next -sermon.</p> - -<p>“The next time it was the Methodist minister -who gave out the tune, and he selected one that -nobody who was not born and bred a Methodist -had ever heard of. We used to sing something -very much like it at the windlass when I was a -sailor, and it had a regular hurricane chorus. -When the Methodist contingent started in to<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_61"></a>[61]</span> -sing their hymn to this tune, not a note could -any of the rival denominations raise. They -stood it in silence until two verses had been -sung, and then——</p> - -<p>“Well, I won’t undertake to describe what -followed. After about five minutes the Methodists -didn’t feel like singing any more. In -fact, most of them were outside the meeting-house -limping their way home, and remarking -that they had had enough of ‘thish yer fellowship -with other churches’ to last them for the -rest of their lives. Inside the meeting-house -the triumphant majority were passing resolutions -calling me a depraved worldling, who, at -the instigation of the devil, had tried to convert -a religious assemblage into an Orange riot. -Even the Unitarians, who always maintained -that they did not believe in the devil, voted for -the resolutions, and three of them were appointed -on the committee charged with putting me out. -I didn’t stay to hear any more sermons, but I -afterward understood that all the ministers -preached at me, and that the amount of union -displayed in putting the blame of everything on<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_62"></a>[62]</span> -my shoulders was so touching that men who -had been enemies for years shook hands and -called one another brothers.</p> - -<p>“Yes! we are an enterprising people in ecclesiastical -matters, and I calculate that it will be -a long time before an English village will see a -first-class union meeting.”</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_63"></a>[63]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" style="max-width: 31.25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/header6.jpg" alt="" /> -</div> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="A_CLERICAL_ROMANCE">A CLERICAL ROMANCE.</h2> - -</div> - -<p>“If you want to know my opinion of women-preachers,” -said the Colonel, “I can give it to -you straight. They draw well at first, but you -can’t depend upon them for a run. I have had -considerable experience of them, and at one time -I thought well of them, but a woman, I think, is -out of place in the pulpit.</p> - -<p>“Although I never was a full member of the -New Berlinopolisville Methodist church, I was -treated as a sort of honorary member, partly -because I subscribed pretty largely to the pastor’s -salary, the annual picnics, and that sort -of thing, and partly because the deacons, knowing -that I had some little reputation as a theatrical -manager and was a man of from fair to -middling judgment, used to consult me quietly -about the management of the church. There -was a large Baptist church in the same town,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_64"></a>[64]</span> -and its opposition was a little too much for us. -The Baptist house was crowded every Sunday, -while ours was thin and discouraging. We had -a good old gentleman for a minister, but he was -over seventy, and a married man besides, which -kept the women from taking much interest in -him; while his old-fashioned notions didn’t suit -the young men of the congregation. The Baptists, -on the other hand, had a young unmarried -preacher, with a voice that you could hear a -quarter of a mile off, and a way of giving it to -the Jews, and the Mormons, and other safe and -distant sinners that filled his hearers with enthusiasm -and offended nobody. It was growing -more and more evident every day that our -establishment was going behindhand, and that -something must be done unless we were willing -to close our doors and go into bankruptcy; so -one day the whole board of trustees and all the -deacons came round to talk the matter over -with me.</p> - -<p>“My mind was already made up, and I was -only waiting to have my advice asked before -giving it. ‘What we want,’ said I, ‘is a<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_65"></a>[65]</span> -woman-preacher. She’ll be a sensation that will -take the wind out of that Baptist windmill, and -if she is good-looking, which she has got to be, -I will bet you—that is, I am prepared to say—that -within a fortnight there will be standing-room -only in the old Methodist church.’</p> - -<p>“‘But what are we to do with Dr. Brewster?’ -asked one of the deacons. ‘He has been preaching -to us now for forty years, and it don’t seem -quite the square thing to turn him adrift.’</p> - -<p>“‘Oh! that’s all right,’ said I. ‘We’ll retire -him on a pension, and he’ll be glad enough to -take it. As for your woman-preacher, I’ve got -just what you want. At least, I know where -she is and how much we’ll have to pay to get -her. She’ll come fast enough for the same -salary that we are paying Dr. Brewster, and -if she doesn’t double the value of your pew-rents -in six months, I will make up the deficit -myself.’</p> - -<p>“The trustees were willing to take my advice, -and in the course of a few days Dr. Brewster -had been retired on half-pay, the church had -extended a call to the Rev. Matilda Marsh, and<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_66"></a>[66]</span> -the reverend girl, finding that the salary was -satisfactory, accepted it.</p> - -<p>“She was only about twenty-five years old, -and as pretty as a picture when she stood in -the pulpit in her black silk dress with a narrow -white collar, something like the sort of -thing that your clergymen wear. I couldn’t -help feeling sad, when I first saw her, to think -that she did not go into the variety business or -a circus, where she would have made her fortune -and the fortune of any intelligent manager. -As a dance-and-song artiste she would have -been worth a good six hundred dollars a week. -But women are always wasting their talents, -when they have any, and doing exactly what -Nature didn’t mean them to do.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_67"></a>[67]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp42" id="illus11" style="max-width: 25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus11.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“THE REV. MATILDA MARSH.”</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_68"></a>[68]</span></p> - -<p>“Miss Marsh was a success from the moment -that she came among us. Being both unmarried -and pretty, she naturally fetched the young men, -and as she let it be understood that she believed -in the celibacy of the clergy and never intended -to marry under any circumstances, the greater -part of the women were willing to forgive her -good looks. Then she could preach a first-class -sermon, and I call myself a judge of sermons, -for at one time I managed an agency for supplying -preachers with ready-made sermons, and -I never put a single one on the market that I -hadn’t read myself. I don’t mean to say that -Miss Marsh was strong on doctrinal sermons, -but every one knows that the public doesn’t want -doctrinal sermons. What it wants is poetry -and pathos, and Miss Marsh used to ladle them -out as if she had been born and bred an undertaker’s -poet.</p> - -<p>“As I had prophesied, the Baptists couldn’t -stand the competition when we opened with our -woman-preacher. Their minister took to going -to the gymnasium to expand his chest, and by -that means increased his lung-power until he -could be heard almost twice as far as formerly, -but it didn’t do any good. His congregation -thinned out week by week, and while our church -was crowded, his pew-rents fell below what was -necessary to pay his salary, not to speak of the -other incidental expenses. A few of the young -men continued to stick by him until our minister -began her series of sermons ‘To Young Men<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_69"></a>[69]</span> -Only,’ and that brought them in. I had the -sermons advertised with big colored posters, and -they proved to be the most attractive thing ever -offered to the religious public. The church was -crammed with young men, while lots of men of -from fifty to seventy years old joined the Young -Men’s Christian Association as soon as they -heard of the course of sermons, and by that -means managed to get admission to hear them. -Miss Marsh preached to young men on the vices -of the day, such as drinking, and card-playing, -and dancing, and going to the theatre, and she -urged them to give up these dissipations and -cultivate their minds. Some of them started a -Browning Club that for a time was very popular. -Every time the club met one of Browning’s -poems would be selected by the president, -and each member who put up a dollar was allowed -to guess its meaning. The man who -made the best guess took all the money, and -sometimes there was as much as thirty dollars -in the pool. The young men told Miss Marsh -that they had given up poker and gone in for -Browning, and of course she was greatly<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_70"></a>[70]</span> -pleased. Then some of the older men started a -Milton Club, and used to cut for drinks by putting -a knife-blade into ‘Paradise Lost’—the -man who made it open at a page the first letter -of which was nearer to the head of the alphabet -than any letter cut by any other man winning -the game. Under Miss Marsh’s influence a good -many other schemes for mental cultivation were -invented and put into operation, and everybody -said that that noble young woman was doing -an incalculable amount of good.</p> - -<p>“As a matter of course, at least half the young -men of the congregation fell in love with the -girl-preacher. They found it very difficult to -make any progress in courting her, for she -wouldn’t listen to any conversation on the subject. -When Christmas came, the question what -to give her kept the young men awake night -after night. The women had an easy job, for -they could give the preacher clothes, and lace, -and hairpins, and such, which the young men -knew that they could not give without taking a -liberty. If she had been a man, slippers would, -of course, have been the correct thing, but the<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_71"></a>[71]</span> -young men felt that they couldn’t work slippers -for a girl that always wore buttoned boots, and -that if they did venture upon such a thing the -chances were that she would feel herself insulted. -One chap thought of working on the -front of an underskirt—if that is the right name -of it—I mean one of those petticoats that are -built for show rather than use—the words, -‘Bless our Pastor,’ in yellow floss silk, but when -he asked his sister to lend him one of her skirts -as a model, she told him that he was the champion -fool of the country. You may ask, why -didn’t the preacher’s admirers give her jewelry? -For the reason that she never wore anything -of the kind except a pair of ear-rings that -her mother had given her, and which she had -promised always to wear. They represented -chestnut-burs, and it is clear to my mind that -her mother knew that no young man who had -much regard for his eyesight would come very -near a girl defended by that sort of ear-ring. -Miss Marsh used to say that other people could -wear what they thought right, but she felt it to -be inconsistent with her holy calling to wear<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_72"></a>[72]</span> -any jewelry except the ear-rings that her sainted -mother had given her.</p> - -<p>“The best running was undoubtedly made by -the cashier of the savings bank and a young -lawyer. Not that either of them had any real -encouragement from Miss Marsh, but she certainly -preferred them to the rest of the field, and -was on what was certainly entitled to be called -friendly terms with both of them. Of the two -the cashier was by far the most devoted. He -was ready to do anything that might give him -a chance of winning. He even wanted to take -a class in the Sunday-school, but the bank directors -forbade it. They said it would impair -the confidence of the public in the bank, and -would be pretty sure to bring about a run which -the bank might not be able to stand. They consented, -however, that he should become the -president of the new temperance society which -the Rev. Miss Marsh had started, as the president -had the right to buy wines and liquors at -wholesale in order to have them analyzed, and -thus show how poisonous they were. As the -cashier offered to stand in with the bank directors<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_73"></a>[73]</span> -and let them fill their cellars at wholesale -rates, both he and the directors made a good -thing of it.</p> - -<p>“The other young man, the lawyer, was a -different sort of chap. He was one of those -fellows that begin to court a girl by knocking -her down with a club. I don’t mean to say -that he ever actually knocked a woman down, -but his manner toward women was that of a superior -being, instead of a slave, and I am bound -to say that as a general thing the women seemed -to like it. He wasn’t a handsome man, like the -cashier, but he had a big yellow beard that any -sensible girl would have held to be worth twice -the smooth-shaved cheek of his rival. He never -tried to join the Sunday-school or the temperance -society, or do anything else of the kind -to curry favor with the minister; but he used -occasionally to give her good advice, and to tell -her that this or that thing which she was doing -was a mistake. Indeed, he didn’t hesitate to -tell her that she had no business in the pulpit, -and had better go out as a governess or a circus -rider, and so conform to the dictates of Nature.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_74"></a>[74]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp80" id="illus12" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus12.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“MAKING THE RUNNING.”</p> -</div> - -<p>“I used to watch the game pretty closely, because -I had staked my professional reputation -on the financial success of the girl-preacher, and -I didn’t want her to marry and so put an end -to her attractiveness with the general public. -I didn’t really think that there was much danger -of any such thing, for Miss Marsh seemed to be<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_75"></a>[75]</span> -entirely absorbed in her work, and her salary -was exceptionally large. Still, you can never -tell when a woman will break the very best engagement, -and that is one reason why they will -never succeed as preachers. You pay a man a -good salary, and he will never find that Providence -calls him elsewhere, unless, of course, he -has a very much better offer; but a woman-preacher -is capable of throwing up a first-class -salary because she don’t like the color of a deacon’s -hair, or because the upholstery of the pulpit -doesn’t match with her complexion.</p> - -<p>“That winter we had a very heavy fall of -snow, and after that the sleighing was magnificent -for the next month or two. The cashier -made the most of it by taking the minister out -sleigh-riding two or three times a week. The -lawyer did not seem to care anything about it, -even when he saw the minister whirling along -the road behind the best pair of horses in the -town, with the cashier by her side and her lap -full of caramels. But one Saturday afternoon, -when he knew that the cashier would be detained -at the bank until very late—the president<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_76"></a>[76]</span> -having just skipped to Canada, and it being -necessary to ascertain the amount of the deficit -without delay—the lawyer hired a sleigh and -called for the minister. Although she was preparing -her next day’s sermon by committing to -memory a lot of Shelley’s poetry, she dropped -Shelley and had on her best hat and was -wrapped in the buffalo robe by the side of the -lawyer in less than half an hour after she had -told him that she positively wouldn’t keep him -waiting three minutes.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_77"></a>[77]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp53" id="illus13" style="max-width: 31.25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus13.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“CALLED FOR THE MINISTER.”</p> -</div> - -<p>“You remember what I said about the peculiar -pattern of her ear-rings. It is through those -ear-rings that the Methodist church lost its minister, -and I became convinced that a female -ministry is not a good thing to tie to. Miss -Marsh and her admirer were driving quietly -along and enjoying themselves in a perfectly -respectable way, when one runner of the sleigh -went over a good-sized log that had dropped -from somebody’s load of wood and had been -left in the road. The sleigh didn’t quite upset, -but Miss Marsh was thrown against the lawyer -with a shock for which she apologized, and he<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_78"></a>[78]</span> -thanked her. But it happened that one of her -ear-rings caught in the lawyer’s beard, and was -so twisted up with it that it was impossible to -disentangle it. Unless Miss Marsh was ready -to drag about half her companion’s heard out -by the roots, there was nothing to be done except -for her to sit with her cheek close against -his until some third person could manage to -disentangle the ear-ring. While she was in -this painful position—at least she said at the -time that it was painful—a sleigh containing -two of her deacons and a prominent Baptist -drove by. Miss Marsh saw them and saw the -horrified expression on their faces. She knew -quick enough that her usefulness as a minister -in New Berlinopolisville was at an end and that -there was going to be a terrible scandal. So, -being a woman, she burst into tears and said -that she wished she were dead.</p> - -<p>“But the lawyer was equal to the occasion. -He told her that there was nothing left to be -done except for them to be married and disentangled -at the next town. Then he would -take her on a long wedding-trip, stopping at<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_79"></a>[79]</span> -Chicago to buy some clothes, and that if she so -wished they would afterward settle in some -other town, instead of coming back to New -Berlinopolisville. Of course she said that the -proposal was not to be thought of for a moment, -and of course she accepted it within the next -ten minutes. They drove to the house of the -nearest minister, and the minister’s wife disentangled -them, to save time, while the minister -was engaged in marrying them.</p> - -<p>“That was the end of the experiment of playing -a woman-preacher on the boards of the -First Methodist Church of Berlinopolisville. -Everybody was content to call a man in the -place of Miss Marsh, and everybody agreed to -blame me for the failure of the experiment. I -don’t know whether the lawyer ever had any -reason to regret his marriage or not, but when -I saw his wife at a fancy dress hall at Chicago, -a year or two later, I could see that she was not -sorry that she had given up the ministry. Ever -since that time I have been opposed to women-preachers, -and consider a woman in the pulpit -as much out of place as a deacon in the ballet.”</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_80"></a>[80]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" style="max-width: 31.25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/header7.jpg" alt="" /> -</div> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="A_MYSTERY">A MYSTERY.</h2> - -</div> - -<p>“Do I believe in spiritualism?” repeated the -Colonel. “Well, you wouldn’t ask me that -question if you knew that I had been in the -business myself. I once ran a ‘Grand Spiritual -Combination Show.’ I had three first-class -mediums, who did everything, from knocking -on a table to materializing Napoleon, or Washington, -or any of your dead friends. It was a -good business while it lasted, but, unfortunately, -we showed one night in a Texas town before a -lot of cowboys. One of them brought his lasso -under his coat, and when the ghost of William -Penn appeared the cowboy lassoed him and -hauled him in, hand over hand, for further investigation. -The language William Penn used -drove all the ladies out of the place, and his -want of judgment in tackling the cowboy cost -him all his front teeth. I and the other mediums<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_81"></a>[81]</span> -and the doorkeeper had to take a hand -in the manifestation, and the result was that the -whole Combination was locked up over-night, -and the fines that we had to pay made me tired -of spiritualism.</p> - -<p>“No, sir! I don’t believe in spiritualism, -but for all that there are curious things in the -world. Why is it that if a man’s name is -Charles G. Haseltine he will lose his right leg -in a railway accident? The police some years -ago wanted a Charles G. Haseltine with a -wooden right leg in the State of Massachusetts, -and they found no less than five Charles G. -Haseltines, and every one of them had lost his -right leg in a railway accident. What makes -it all the more curious is that they were no relation -to one another, and not one of them had -ever heard of the existence of the others. Then, -will someone tell me what is the connection between -darkies and chickens? I say ‘darkies’ -instead of ‘niggers’ because I had a colored -regiment on my right flank at the battle of -Corinth, and that night I swore I would never -say ‘nigger’ again. However, that don’t concern<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_82"></a>[82]</span> -you. What I meant to say was that there -is a connection between darkies and chickens -which nobody has ever yet explained. Of course -no darky can resist the temptation to steal a -chicken. Everybody knows that. Why, I -knew a colored minister who was as honest a -man as the sun ever tried to tan—and failed—and -I have known him to preach a sermon with a -chicken that he had lifted on his way to meeting -shoved up under his vest. He wouldn’t have -stolen a dollar bill if he was starving, but he -would steal every chicken that he could lay his -hands on, no matter if his own chicken-house -was crowded with chickens. It’s in the blood—or -the skin—and no darky can help it.</p> - -<p>“What was I going to say about the connection -between darkies and chickens? I had very -nearly forgotten it. This was what I was referring -to. A chicken will draw a darky just -as a dead sheep will draw vultures in Egypt, -though there may have been no vultures within -twenty miles when the sheep was killed. You -may be living in a town where there isn’t a -single darky within ten miles, but if you put<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_83"></a>[83]</span> -up a chicken-house and stock it there will be -darkies in the town within twenty-four hours, -and just so long as your chicken-house has a -chicken in it fresh darkies will continue to -arrive from all sections of the country. This -beats any trick that I ever saw a spiritual -medium perform, and I can’t see the explanation<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_84"></a>[84]</span> -of it. You may say that some one carries word -to the darkies that there is a new chicken-house -waiting to be visited, but the answer to this is -that it isn’t true. My own idea is that it is -a matter of instinct. When you carry a cat -twenty miles away from home in a bag and let -her out, we all know that her instinct will show -her the way home again before you can get -there yourself. Just in the same way instinct -will draw a darky to a chicken-house he has -never seen or heard of. You’ll say that to talk -about instinct doesn’t explain the matter. That -is true enough, but it makes you feel as if you -had struck the trail, which is some satisfaction -at any rate. So far as I can see, that is about -all that scientific theories ever do.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp66" id="illus14" style="max-width: 39.0625em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus14.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“PREACH A SERMON WITH A CHICKEN UNDER HIS VEST.”</p> -</div> - -<p>“If you care to listen, I’ll tell you what happened -within my knowledge in connection with -darkies and chickens. I was located a little -after the war in the town of South Constantinople, -in the western part of Illinois, and my -next-door neighbor was Colonel Ephraim J. -Hickox, who commanded the 95th Rhode Island -Regiment. The town was a growing place, and<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_85"></a>[85]</span> -it had the peculiarity that there wasn’t a darky -in it. The nearest one lived over at West -Damascus, seven miles away, and there was -only two of him—he and his wife. Another -curious thing about the place was the scarcity -of labor. There weren’t above a dozen Irishmen -in the place, and they wouldn’t touch a -spade or a hoe under three dollars a day, and -wouldn’t work more than four days in a week. -You see, a certain amount of digging and gardening -had to be done, and there wasn’t anybody -to do it except these Irishmen, so they -naturally made a good thing of it, working half -the time and holding meetings for the redemption -of Ireland the rest of the time in the bar-room -of the International Hotel.</p> - -<p>“One day Colonel Ephraim, as I always used -to call him, wanted to drain his pasture lot, and -he hired the Irishmen to dig a ditch about a -quarter of a mile long. They would dig for a -day, and then they would knock off and attend -to suffering Ireland, till Ephraim, who was a -quick-tempered man, was kept in a chronic state -of rage. He had no notion of going into politics,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_86"></a>[86]</span> -so he didn’t care a straw what the Irishmen -thought of him, and used to talk to them -as free as if they couldn’t vote. Why, he -actually refused to subscribe to a dynamite -fund and for a gold crown to be presented to -Mr. Gladstone, and you can judge how popular -he was in Irish circles. I used to go down to -Ephraim’s pasture every once in a while to see -how his ditch was getting along, and one afternoon -I found the whole lot of Irishmen lying on -the grass smoking instead of working, and -Ephraim in the very act of discharging them.</p> - -<p>“‘Perhaps it’s “nagurs” that you’d be preferring,’ -said one of the men, as they picked themselves -up and made ready to leave.</p> - -<p>“‘You bet it is,’ said Ephraim, ‘and, what’s -more, I’ll have that ditch finished by darkies -before the week is out.’ This seemed to amuse -the Irishmen, for they went away in good spirits, -in spite of the language that had been hove at -them, and it amused me too, for I knew that -there were no darkies to be had, no matter what -wages a man might be willing to pay. I said -as much to Ephraim, who, instead of taking it<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_87"></a>[87]</span> -kindly, grew madder than ever, and said, -‘Colonel! I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I’ll have -that ditch finished by darkies inside of four -days, and that they’ll do all the digging without -charging me a dollar.’</p> - -<p>“‘If you’re going to send over into Kentucky -and import negro labor,’ said I, ‘you can do it, -and get your ditch dug, but you’ll have to pay -either the darkies or the contractor who furnishes -them.’</p> - -<p>“‘I promise you not to pay a dollar to anybody, -contractor or nigger. And I won’t ask -anybody to send me a single man. What I’m -betting on is that the darkies will come to my -place of their own accord and work for nothing. -Are you going to take the bet or ain’t you?’</p> - -<p>“I didn’t hesitate any longer, but I took the -bet, thinking that Ephraim’s mind was failing, -and that it was a Christian duty in his friends -to see that if he did fool away his money, it -should go into their pockets instead of the -pockets of outsiders. But, as you will see, -Ephraim didn’t lose that fifty dollars.</p> - -<p>“Early the next morning Ephraim had a<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_88"></a>[88]</span> -couple of masons employed in turning his brick -smoke-house into a chicken-house, and he had -two dozen chickens with their legs tied lying on -the grass waiting for the chicken-house to be -finished. The masons broke a hole through the -side of the house and lined it with steel rods -about four feet long, which Ephraim had -bought to use in some experiments in gun-making -that he was always working at. The -rods were set in a circle which was about a foot -and a half wide at one end and tapered to about -four inches at the other end. The arrangement -was just like the wire entrance to a mouse-trap, -of the sort that is meant to catch mice alive and -never does it. It was nothing less than a -darky-trap, although Ephraim pretended that -it was a combined ventilator and front door for -the chickens. The masons, so far as I could -judge, thought that Ephraim’s mind was going -fast, and I made up my mind that it would be a -sin to let the man bet with anybody who would -be disposed to take advantage of his infirmity.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp48" id="illus15" style="max-width: 28.125em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus15.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“‘DUNNO!’”</p> -</div> - -<p>“The trap was finished before dark, and -baited with two dozen young chickens. I came<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_89"></a>[89]</span> -by the place a second time about sunset, just as -Ephraim was locking up his chicken-house, and -I saw a small darky boy leaning on the fence. -I asked him -where he came -from, but he -only said ‘Dunno.’ -I found -out afterward -that he came -from a house at -least ten miles -away, and that -those two dozen -chickens had -drawn him -there wasn’t a -shadow of doubt -in my mind. -At the time, -however, I was a little afraid that Ephraim -had begun to import colored labor, and that -there was some trick about his bet that might -prove that his mind was all right. Two days<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_90"></a>[90]</span> -afterward I went down to the pasture and -found sixteen darkies digging away at that -ditch and Ephraim superintending with a -twenty-five-cent cigar in his mouth. ‘Come to -pay that fifty dollars, I suppose!’ he said when -he saw me. ‘You can wait till the ditch is -finished, which will be some time to-day. You -see I was as good as my word.’</p> - -<p>“I asked him to explain how he had collected -his darkies, and being in unusually good spirits -he told me about it.</p> - -<p>“He had made his trap just large enough to -admit a good-sized darky, who could push the -steel rods apart as he crawled in but who -couldn’t crawl out again, no matter how hard -he might try. The morning after he had set -the trap Ephraim took his shot-gun and went -down to his chicken-house. He found that the -night’s catch had been larger than he had hoped. -There were sixteen colored men of different -sizes sitting on the ground or leaning up against -the side of the house. There was a good deal -of wool and cloth sticking to the ends of the -steel rods, and some of the younger darkies<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_91"></a>[91]</span> -looked as if they had been fighting with wild-cats, -but they didn’t try to explain things. Besides -the darkies, there were two white tramps -in the trap, but Ephraim just kicked them into -the streets without even proposing work to -them. Then he came back and told the darkies -that the legislature had just passed a bill making -it felony to break into a chicken-house, and -that he was very much afraid that they would -be hung and dissected, unless they could show -him some reason for being merciful to them.</p> - -<p>“The darkies were frightened, besides being -hungry and cold, and when Ephraim said that -he had a job of ditching to be done, and that if -they would do it for him he would let them off -scot-free, they were delighted, and the whole -chicken-house was lit up with their teeth. They -went into that ditch a happy and contented -gang and finished it before night. Ephraim -was a liberal man, and considering that he had -won fifty dollars and had got his ditch finished -for nothing, he was disposed to be generous. -So he gave the darkies a lot of good advice and -informed them that, with a view of removing<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_92"></a>[92]</span> -temptation from their way, he should sell -his chickens and go out of the business. The -darkies went away as happy as if they had been -well paid, and the next morning there wasn’t a -darky in the whole town. They had gone back -to their homes, or else they had been drawn -somewhere else by other chickens.</p> - -<p>“Do I mean to say that Ephraim had not -made arrangements with some one to send him -those sixteen darkies? That is just what I do -mean to say. When he fitted up his chicken-house -he had no more idea where his darkies -would come from than I had, but he knew that -the chickens would draw darkies and that his -trap would hold them, so he felt that he had a -sure thing. I have no more doubt that those -darkies were drawn to Ephraim’s place by those -chickens than I have that a magnet will draw a -needle. I can’t explain how it was done, but I -believe it all the same. It is what is called a -mystery, and the good book says that the less -you try to explain mysteries the better.”</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_93"></a>[93]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" style="max-width: 31.25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/header8.jpg" alt="" /> -</div> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="MY_BROTHER_ELIJAH">MY BROTHER ELIJAH.</h2> - -</div> - -<p>“I never told you about my brother, the inventor, -did I?” asked the Colonel. “Speaking -of flying-machines reminds me of him, for he -invented seven of them, and one of the lot was -a stunning success. Stunned one darky and -came very near stunning a whole camp-meeting -of darkies. My brother Lije—his name was -Elijah—was what you might call a general inventor. -He didn’t stick to any one line, such -as electricity, for example, but he would invent -anything, from a woman’s pocket to a new -motive power. He invented a pocket for a -woman’s skirt that was warranted never to be -found by the most expert pickpocket, and he put -the pocket in the skirt of his wife’s dress on -trial. She searched for it for about a month—not -all the time, you understand, but on an -average three or four hours a day—and then<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_94"></a>[94]</span> -gave it up. She said she could always find her -usual old-fashioned pocket in the course of a -week or ten days, and that was as much time -as she could afford to waste on the subject. As -for Elijah’s perpetual-motion machines, he invented -a new one at least every year, and the -loft in our barn was always full of them. Of -course they were failures, but that did not discourage -Lije. You can’t discourage a born -inventor—that is, unless he is in the chemical -line and blows himself up with some new kind -of dynamite. Lije’s inventions were, to my -mind, as smart as those of Edison, but the -trouble with them was that for the most part -they wouldn’t work. However, they amused -him and did no harm to anybody.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp50" id="illus16" style="max-width: 29.6875em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus16.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“ELIJAH.”</p> -</div> - -<p>“My brother was not in the least like me in -anything. He was short and stout and the -best-tempered man in the State. Everybody -liked him, especially the darkies, who said that -there was no more harm in him than if he was -a child. I’ve seen him when he had just -accidentally chopped off a finger or had burnt -all his hair off, and I never heard him use the<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_95"></a>[95]</span> -smallest swear-word. I never could see why he -got married. A man with that sort of heavenly -temper doesn’t need the discipline that other -folks need, and he was too much absorbed in -science to have any time to associate with a -wife. He spent nearly all his time in his workshop<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_96"></a>[96]</span> -monkeying with his inventions, and his -only companion was a darky boy, about twelve -years old, named Aristophanes, who waited on -him and was so fond of him that there is nothing -that Lije told him to do that Aristophanes -wouldn’t do. If Lije had invented a new guillotine -and wanted to try it on Aristophanes’ -neck, the boy would have consented to have his -head chopped off, and would never have doubted -that Massa Lije would put it on again without -even leaving a scar.</p> - -<p>“You were speaking of this new flying-machine -that somebody had just invented and -that acts on the principle of a kite. ‘Resistance -of an inclined plane to the air’ is what you -called it, but that means kite, and nothing else. -Why, Elijah invented that machine forty years -ago, and it was one of his greatest successes, -the only one, in fact, that I ever remember his -making. When I say that it was successful, I -don’t mean to say that it was practicable. It -would rise and it would carry a man with it, -but it never came into general use, for it was -about impossible to get the man down again<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_97"></a>[97]</span> -without killing him. Next to a Swiss excursion -steamboat, it was the riskiest mode of locomotion -ever invented.</p> - -<p>“The way in which Lije’s machine was constructed -was very simple. You must have seen -what we boys used to call a spider-web kite. If -you haven’t, I might as well tell you that it is -made with three sticks that cross one another at -the same point in about the middle of the kite, -or rather a little above the middle, and gave the -kite something the shape and look of a big -spider-web. Lije was fond of kite-flying, and -was always trying to make improvements in -kite-building, which were naturally failures, -for you can be sure that the millions of boys -that have been making kites ever since boys -were first invented know a great sight more -about kites than any scientific man knows.</p> - -<p>“Elijah’s flying-machine was nothing more -or less than the biggest spider-web kite that was -ever built. The sticks were ash poles an inch -in diameter, and they were covered with silk -instead of paper. I forget the exact dimensions -of the kite, but according to Lije’s calculations<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_98"></a>[98]</span> -it would sustain a hundred and fifty pounds of -human being, in addition to its own weight and -the weight of its tail. The question of the exact -amount of tail that the kite would require gave -Lije a good deal of trouble, but he solved it like -a man of science by sending up an ordinary -kite and finding by experiment how much tail -it needed, after which he calculated by the rule -of three how much tail to give his flying-machine. -In order to get the necessary weight -without too great length, the tail of the flying-machine -was made of light iron chain, and at -the end of it there was an iron hook, so that a -lantern could be attached to it at night. As -for the string that was to hold the kite, it was -about the size of a ship’s signal-halyards, and -Lije calculated that it would bear twice the -amount of any strain that could possibly be put -on it.</p> - -<p>“Aristophanes was to make the trial trip, and -he was perfectly willing to go, never having the -least doubt that Massa Lije would secure him a -safe and pleasant trip to the moon or thereabouts. -Lije fastened the boy in the centre of<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_99"></a>[99]</span> -the kite, in about the position of some celebrated -Scotchman—St. Andrew, wasn’t it?—whose picture -is in Fox’s ‘Book of Martyrs.’ Aristophanes’ -arms and legs were lashed to the kite -sticks, and he had a sort of rest for each foot, -so as to take the strain from off the lashings. In -order to make him comfortable, Lije fastened a -pillow under the boy’s head, so that he could go -to sleep in case he should feel sleepy, which he -nearly always did. If Aristophanes could only -have managed to take his dinner with him and -eat it in the air, he would have been about as -happy as a darky can be, and an average -darky can hold more happiness to the square -inch than any white man.</p> - -<p>“The trial trip was made from the back yard -of our house, and nobody was present except -Lije and Aristophanes, for my brother was a -little shy of exhibiting his inventions in public, -owing to their habit of proving failures. The -kite was laid on the ground, and Aristophanes -was strapped to it and told that he must keep -perfectly cool and remember everything that he -might see in the clouds. When all was ready,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_100"></a>[100]</span> -the kite was leaned up against the side of the -barn, with the tail neatly coiled so that it would -not foul anything, and then Elijah, taking a -good run with the string over his shoulder, had -the satisfaction of making the kite climb up as -if it had been made by the best boy kite-builder -in town.</p> - -<p>“Holding the string was rather a tough job, -for the kite pulled tremendously, and Lije was -not a strong man. However, he paid out the -line as fast as he could, and so managed to keep -the kite steady. He was a little afraid that it -would accidentally get away from him, so he -tied the end of the string round his waist. -There was where he made his great mistake.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_101"></a>[101]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp53" id="illus17" style="max-width: 31.25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus17.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“ELIJAH’S FLYING-MACHINE.”</p> -</div> - -<p>“The kite attracted a good deal of attention -in the town, and everybody agreed that the -figure in the middle of the kite was a remarkably -good representation of a darky, but nobody -thought for a moment that it was a genuine -darky. Lije had forgotten, in estimating the -amount of tail that the kite required, the fact -that the wind might rise while the kite was in -the air, and that in such case the amount of tail<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_102"></a>[102]</span> -might not be enough to keep it from diving. -That is just what happened. After the kite -had run out all the string and was as high -as the string would let it go, the wind increased -and the kite began to dive. Now, -everybody knows that diving is one of the most -dangerous things a kite can do, and that unless -it can be stopped it is sure to bring the kite -down and smash it to pieces. Moreover, in this -particular case there was Aristophanes, who -was pretty sure to be frightened by the diving -of the kite—that is, supposing that he was -awake. When a kite dives the only remedy is -to give it string. As Lije had no more string -to let out he was obliged to do the next best -thing, which was to slack the string by running -with it toward the kite. That stopped the diving, -but only for a moment. Every time that -Lije tried to stop running and managed to hold -back a little against the kite, it would begin to -dive again, and about half the time was describing -circles in the air and turning Aristophanes -upside down. However, Lije knew that -so long as he could keep the kite from dashing<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_103"></a>[103]</span> -itself to the ground the darky would come to -no harm.</p> - -<p>“The wind kept on increasing and the kite -pulled harder than ever. Even if Lije had not -wanted to run, the kite would have dragged -him. He went through the town at about eight -miles an hour, yelling to everybody he met, -‘Gimme some string!’ But nobody understood -what he said, and they all thought that it was -a good joke to see a fat little man careering over -the country in tow of a big kite. Of course -they supposed that Lije was acting of his own -free will and accord. They knew that he was -peculiar in his ways, and they fancied that he -was taking a little holiday after his hard work. -So beyond encouraging him to keep it up and -remarking to one another that ‘Lije was the -most amusing darned fool in the county,’ they -paid no attention to his outcries.</p> - -<p>“My brother was not used to active exercise -and had next to no wind. The longer he ran -with the kite, the more he felt convinced that a -tragedy was about to happen. If he kept on -running he believed he would drop dead with<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_104"></a>[104]</span> -stoppage of the heart, and if he stopped running -he knew that the kite would dash Aristophanes -to pieces; and though, of course, it was not as if -Aristophanes had been a white boy, still there -was the chance that his parents would be disagreeable -if he were killed. They were ordinary -ignorant darkies, with no sort of love for -science. But Lije had grit in him, in spite of -all the science that he had pumped into his -head. He stuck to the kite-string, and ran his -level best until the moment came when he was -unable to catch another breath. Then he threw -himself against a telegraph pole and clung to it -with all his might. The kite couldn’t drag him -away from it, and so it gave one tremendous -dive, and Lije felt by the sudden slackening of -the string that the kite had reached the ground.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_105"></a>[105]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp66" id="illus18" style="max-width: 39.0625em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus18.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“HIT THE REV. JULIUS CÆSAR WASHINGTON ON THE SIDE OF THE HEAD.”</p> -</div> - -<p>“It came down in the middle of a negro camp-meeting -that was in progress about a quarter of -a mile away. The spot was a sandy one, and -the kite, which naturally fell head downward, -buried the ends of its upper sticks in the sand, -and did no injury whatever to Aristophanes. -The chain tail, however, damaged the eye of<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_106"></a>[106]</span> -the Rev. Hannibal Blue, and then hit the Rev. -Julius Cæsar Washington on the side of the -head and stunned him for half an hour. There -was a good deal of excitement in the camp when -Aristophanes descended. Most of the colored -people were of the opinion that he was an angel -who had come down to express his satisfaction -with the services, though the Rev. Mr. Blue -was strongly of the opinion that Aristophanes -was the devil in person, who was seeking to -buffet the faithful. In time, however, Aristophanes -was recognized as the private servant of -Massa Lije, and was released from the kite and -allowed to return to Lije’s workshop to report -the result of his voyage in the flying-machine.</p> - -<p>“The flying-machine was never tried again. -Lije had had enough of it, and besides, some -of the Rev. Mr. Blue’s friends, who were not -exactly what you would call law-abiding citizens, -sent Lije word that they rather thought -that if he quit inventing things he would live -longer than he otherwise might. Aristophanes -didn’t seem to think anything of his adventure, -and said he was ready to go up again whenever<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_107"></a>[107]</span> -Massa Lije should want to send him. But Lije -told him that he intended to make a little modification -in his flying-machine before using it -again. That was what he always said when -he gave an invention up as a bad job, and -accordingly nobody ever saw or heard of the -flying-machine again. He was a remarkable -man, was my brother, and the doctor of the -asylum where he spent his declining years said -that he was the most interesting lunatic that he -had ever met.”</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_108"></a>[108]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" style="max-width: 31.25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/header9.jpg" alt="" /> -</div> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="THE_ST_BERNARD_MYTH">THE ST. BERNARD MYTH.</h2> - -</div> - -<p>Some one had told a dog-story showing the -miraculous intelligence and profound piety of a -French poodle. The Colonel listened with an -incredulous smile on his grim face. When the -story was ended and we had all expressed our -surprise and admiration, as is the custom when -dog-stories are told, and had carefully suppressed -our conviction that the man who told the story -was as impudent as he was mendacious—as is -also the custom on these occasions—I asked the -Colonel to favor us with his views in regard to -canine sagacity.</p> - -<p>“There are dogs that show signs of good -sense now and then,” he replied. “Even human -beings do that occasionally. But as to these -yarns about dogs who calculate eclipses and -have conscientious objections to chasing cats on -Sunday, I don’t believe a word of them. Talk<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_109"></a>[109]</span> -about fish-stories! Why, there isn’t a fish -caught or uncaught that can begin to stimulate -the imagination to the extent that a dog will -stimulate it. I have known fishermen who -could convert two minnows into a string of -thirty trout, averaging two pounds each, and I -have seen these men slink away crestfallen before -a man who told stories of what his fox-terrier -had done the day before. What I don’t -understand is why people pretend to believe dog-stories. -We all know that the dog is a well-meaning, -stupid, parish-vestry sort of an animal, -but we listen to the thumpers that some -men tell about him without even a cough.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp75" id="illus19" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus19.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“THE MONKS SHIED PRAYER-BOOKS AND WOODEN SANDALS AT THEM.”</p> -</div> - -<p>“Look at the lies that have been told for the -last hundred years about the St. Bernard dogs! -People really believe that when a snow-storm -comes on the St. Bernard dog goes out with a -blanket, a flask of whiskey, a spirit-lamp, a box -of matches, some mustard plasters, and a foot-bath -strapped on his back. When he meets a -frozen traveller we are told that he sits down -and lights his spirit-lamp, mixes some hot-whiskey -and pours it down the traveller’s throat,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_110"></a>[110]</span> -gives him a hot foot-bath, puts mustard plasters -on the soles of his feet, rubs him down and -wraps him up in the blanket, and then hoists -him on his back and brings him to the convent, -where the monks put him to bed and read -prayers to him till he feels strong enough to put<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_111"></a>[111]</span> -some money in the contribution-box and to continue -his journey. Now, I’ve been to the St. -Bernard Convent. I went there just to meet -one of these dogs and see for myself what he -could do. There was a pack of about forty of -them, but the only thing they did was to sit up -all night and bark at the moon, while the monks -shied prayer-books and wooden sandals at them -out of the windows. I wanted to see a few -travellers rescued from the snow, but the monks -said the supply of travellers had been running -low of late years; still, they added, if I’d go -and sleep in a snow-bank a mile or two from -the convent, they would see what could be done. -I wasn’t going to risk the forfeiture of my life-insurance -policy by any such foolishness as that, -so I came away without seeing any dog performance. -However, I saw enough, a little -later on, to convince me that the St. Bernard -dog is about the biggest kind of canine fool that -ever imposed on credulous people.</p> - -<p>“The monks had a whole penful of genuine -St. Bernard puppies, and I bought one. I am -ashamed to tell you how much I paid for it. I<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_112"></a>[112]</span> -could hire an army mule to kick me every time -I think of the transaction. I took the puppy -to the States with me—I was living at New -Berlinopolisville, in the State of Iowa, at the -time—and brought him up as carefully as if he -had been my own son. He grew to be a big, -rough-haired dog—one of the biggest I ever -saw. And I can’t say that the monks cheated -me in respect to his breed. Of course it was all -a matter of luck that he didn’t turn out to be a -poodle or a black and tan terrier. The fact is -that no man or monk knows what one of those -pure-blooded St. Bernard pups that are sold at -the convent will turn out to be when he gets his -growth. He is liable to be anything in the line -of dog, from a yellow cur up to a Siberian bloodhound. -I once knew a man who bought a St. -Bernard pup from one of the very holiest of the -entire gang of monks, and that puppy grew up -to be a red fox. But you all know of the St. -Bernard puppy lottery, and I won’t take up -your time commenting on it.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp80" id="illus20" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus20.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“SAID THE DOG HAD PROMISED THEM A DRINK.”</p> -</div> - -<p>“The monks told me that the puppy would -not need the least training. His instinct was<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_113"></a>[113]</span> -so wonderful that the moment he should catch -a glimpse of snow on the ground he would rush -off to rescue travellers. ‘You just load him up -with blankets and things,’ said the monk, ‘and -send him out in the snow, and he’ll rescue -travellers till you can’t rest.’ The dog was -nearly a year old before I had a chance to try -his powers, but one November we had a regular<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_114"></a>[114]</span> -blizzard, and when the snow quit falling it was -at least two feet deep on a level, not to speak of -the drifts.</p> - -<p>“After breakfast I tied a whiskey-flask around -the dog’s neck and put a blanket on his back, -and told him to go out and begin his blessed -work of mercy. I was alone in the house at -the time, for my wife had gone on a visit to her -mother and the cook had got herself arrested -for being drunk and disorderly, so there was no -one to make any objection to my use of one of -my wife’s best blankets. The dog barked with -delight when he saw the snow, and rolled in it -for a few moments just so as to get the blanket -good and wet, and then he started down the -street at a gallop. I lived something more -than a mile from the village, and there were no -houses nearer than half a mile, and as the dog -took the road leading away from the village, I -did not think that he would stand much chance -of picking up any travellers. He didn’t return -until noon, and then he didn’t bring anybody -home on his back. He did, however, bring six -tramps with him, three of whom were pretty<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_115"></a>[115]</span> -drunk, they having drank all the whiskey in the -flask. The other three said that the dog had -promised them a drink if they would follow -him, and they hoped that I would be as good as -the dog’s word. As I wasn’t armed, and as the -tramps carried big sticks and evidently meant -business, I judged it best to sustain the dog’s -character for veracity and get rid of them -peaceably. They went away after wrestling -with a pint of good whiskey, and all the time -that idiotic dog was wagging his tail as if he -deserved the Humane Society’s medal, instead -of deserving a thrashing for trying to rescue -tramps when Nature had taken the trouble to -furnish a blizzard expressly to thin them out.</p> - -<p>“I explained to the dog with my riding-whip -the view that he must take of tramps in the -future, and then I sent him out again, after -filling up his whiskey-flask and giving him -another blanket in the place of the one that the -tramps had stolen. I told him that in future I -should prefer to have him rescue women and -children, especially the latter, and that if he -found a frozen male traveller he had better confine<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_116"></a>[116]</span> -himself to giving information to the police, -instead of lavishing whiskey on possibly undeserving -people. He went off, somewhat -humbled, but still in excellent spirits, and in a -short time rushed up my front steps, dropped -something on the door-mat, and rushed off -again. At first I thought that the idiot had -been rescuing somebody’s linen that had been -hung out to dry, but when the linen began to -make remarks in a loud voice, I found that it -was a particularly lively baby.</p> - -<p>“Of course I couldn’t let the little innocent -lie and freeze on my doorstep, so I brought it -into the house and did my best to quiet it. As -I had never had much experience with babies, -I found myself in a pretty tight place. I had -no milk to give the baby, so I mixed a little -flour and water till it looked like milk and got -a little of it down the baby’s throat. Then I -shook it on my knee till it dropped asleep. I -put it in my bed, intending to go out and find -some woman who would come and attend to it, -when I heard the dog barking, and on opening -the front door saw his tail disappearing down<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_117"></a>[117]</span> -the street, and saw that he had left another -infant on the door-mat.</p> - -<p>“The first baby was a saint in comparison -with this one, which was a sort of infantile -tramp in appearance and was as noisy as it -was dirty. It would not have anything to do -with the flour and water, and though I shook -it on my knee till I must have loosened all its -organs, it refused to go to sleep. So I finally -gave it a rubber overshoe to bite on, and put it -in a bureau drawer in the spare room and told -it to howl its head off if it felt that such was its -duty toward mankind. Then I started a second -time to search for a woman, and I nearly fell -over a third baby on the doorstep. That infernal -dog had brought it while I was struggling -with the infantile tramp, and he was now off -searching for more infants. I wrapped this one -up in a blanket and sat down on the doorstep -with it, resolved to wait till that dog came -back and to lock him up till I could get enough -babies off my hands to give me a chance to kill -him. I was bound not to miss him, for if I did -he would probably keep on till he had brought<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_118"></a>[118]</span> -me all the babies in the county. This baby was -the best of the lot, for it slept in my arms without -saying a word or expressing the slightest -desire to be shaken. In about twenty minutes -the dog reappeared with another invoice of -babies. This time he brought a brace of twins, -as nearly as I could judge, but it was his last -exploit that day. I got him by the collar before -he could start out again and locked him up in -the cellar. The babies I put in a heap in a big -clothes-basket that they could not climb out of, -and left them to have a crying-match for the -championship till I could find a nurse.</p> - -<p>“I didn’t have as much trouble in that matter -as I had anticipated, for before I could get out of -the house some one rang the front-door bell and -pounded and yelled as if it was a matter of life -and death that the door should be opened instantly. -I opened it, and there was a woman -who called me every name she could lay her -tongue to, and wanted me to give her back her -baby instantly. I showed her the babies and -told her to take her choice. In fact, I begged -her to take away the whole lot, but she said I<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_119"></a>[119]</span> -was worse than a murderer, and after selecting -one of the least desirable of the babies, she -rushed off with it, promising to send me a -policeman immediately. I had never expressed -the least desire to see a policeman, but such is -female gratitude! I had offered that woman -five babies, free, gratis, and for nothing, and -instead of being grateful she wanted to get me -into trouble.</p> - -<p>“I had still four babies on my hands, and as -they were now all awake and making all the -noise they knew how to make, I put them all in -the clothes-basket together, so they could enjoy -one another’s society. It wasn’t a bad plan, -and I recommend it to any mother with a noisy -pair of twins, as it is certain to reduce the noise -by one-half. Two of my babies were so occupied -with putting their fingers in the other -babies’ eyes and in investigating their hair -that they had no time to cry. I admit that the -two who were undergoing investigation did -their best to make a riot, but even then there -was only half as much noise as there would -have been had the other two joined the concert.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_120"></a>[120]</span></p> - -<p>“I thought it so probable that the mother who -had visited me was only the first of a procession -of mothers, that I gave up the idea of going out -to look for a nurse, and stayed at home to receive -the mothers politely. It was not long -before one presented herself. She was an Irishwoman -and the only sensible one of the lot. -When she saw that her baby was safe and contented -and had a good grip on the hair of a -black-eyed baby, she sat down and laughed, and -said that she never saw anything so sweet before. -According to her account, she lived -about a mile from my house, and she was -standing at her front door looking at the landscape, -when the dog bounded in, caught up the -baby out of the cradle, and carried it off. At -first she thought the dog was the devil, but -presently she remembered that the devil’s time -was too much occupied with Irish affairs to permit -him to steal babies in Iowa, so she followed -the dog as rapidly as she could make her way -through the snow. She tracked him by the -prints of his paws until she came to my door, -and instead of calling me a kidnapper and talking<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_121"></a>[121]</span> -about the police, she was full of pity for me, -and volunteered to stay and take care of the -whole menagerie until the last of the babies -should be called for and taken away.</p> - -<p>“The remaining mothers arrived in the course -of an hour. I locked myself in the top of the -house and left the Irishwoman to explain things. -As I afterward learned, the intelligent dog had -knocked two women down in the street and -stolen their babies out of their arms, and had -also broken into two houses, in the last one of -which he had bagged his brace of twins. All -the mothers, except the Irishwoman, were as -unreasonable as they could possibly be. They -insisted that I deliberately trained dogs to steal -babies, and they had no doubt that my object in -stealing them was to vivisect them. As for the -dog, they were convinced that he was mad and -that their babies would be sure to die of hydrophobia. -Two of the women brought their husbands -with them, who asked to see me, explaining -that they desired to blow my head off. -The Irishwoman nobly lied to them, telling -them that she had driven me out of the house<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_122"></a>[122]</span> -with a club, and that I was on my way to -Chicago and far out of reach. The mothers -and their husbands went away at last, and as -soon as it was dark I stole out of the back door -and took the first train for St. Paul. I didn’t -show myself in New Berlinopolisville for the -next year.</p> - -<p>“What became of the dog? Oh! I forgot to -say that the Irishwoman promised to take care -of him and to cure him of his passion for babies. -I am sorry to say that she did not succeed. -She kept him tied up for six weeks, but one day -he broke loose and captured a baby out of a -baby-wagon in the park. But the baby’s father -happened to be with it, and he was one of the -best pistol-shots in town, having been a judge -of the Montana Supreme Court. He got the -drop on the dog before the beast had gone ten -feet away with the baby, and though they afterward -had to pry the dog’s jaws open in order to -get the baby loose, no harm was done to the -latter. I settled all the lawsuits without letting -them go to trial, although it cost me considerable<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_123"></a>[123]</span> -and I finally judged it best to remove to -another State.</p> - -<p>“Now, I suppose that some one will be enough -of an idiot to repeat this story with variations -as a proof of the wonderful intelligence of the -St. Bernard dog. If it is intelligence that leads -a dog to steal other people’s babies and dump -them on a respectable man, I’d like to see what -idiocy would do for such a dog. No, sir! depend -upon it, the stories about St. Bernard dogs -are invented by the monks after stimulating -their minds by reading the ‘Lives of the Saints’ -and by going trout-fishing. Probably the -monks have gradually brought themselves to -believe most of the stories. They look like a -credulous set of people, and I should rather like -to try them with a good American political -speech, full of campaign statistics, and see if -they could believe it. I shouldn’t be in the -least surprised if they could.”</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_124"></a>[124]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" style="max-width: 31.25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/header10.jpg" alt="" /> -</div> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="A_MATRIMONIAL_ROMANCE">A MATRIMONIAL ROMANCE.</h2> - -</div> - -<p>“And by the way,” continued the Colonel, -“a curious thing about this Josiah Wilson was -that he was married for fifteen years and never -had any wife whatever.”</p> - -<p>The Colonel had begun a story concerning -one Josiah Wilson which promised to be interesting, -but his incidental allusion to Mr. -Wilson’s matrimonial experience awakened our -curiosity, and we begged him to interrupt his -narrative long enough to tell us how it came to -pass that Josiah was a married man who never -had a wife.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp53" id="illus21" style="max-width: 31.25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus21.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“HOWLED FOR HELP WHEN HE WASN’T SWEARING.”</p> -</div> - -<p>“The marriage laws in the United States,” -said the Colonel, giving his chair an increased -tilt backward, which was his usual way of beginning -a fresh anecdote, “are as peculiar in -their way as are the divorce laws. You would -think to look at them that they would permit -anybody to marry anybody else in any way that<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_125"></a>[125]</span> -either of them might choose; but for all that -they sometimes make it impossible for a man or -a woman to get married. There was a couple -who intended to be married in a balloon, which -is a style of lunacy that is quite fashionable in -some parts of the country, though I can’t see<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_126"></a>[126]</span> -why a man should want to risk his neck in a -balloon on his wedding-day, unless it is that it -takes so much courage to be married at all that -a man forgets all about such minor dangers as -are connected with ballooning. The bride, the -minister, and two witnesses of assorted sexes -went up in the balloon at the appointed time, -and, naturally, the bridegroom intended to go -with them, but he accidentally caught his foot -in a neglected guy-rope and went up head -downward about twenty feet below the car. The -party in the balloon could not haul him up because -they could not get hold of the rope, and -the bride would not consent to give up the trip -because the groom had always been a little shy, -and she was afraid that if she let him go this -time she might not be able to land him again. -So the parson went on with the ceremony, and -the groom made most of his responses in bad -language, and howled for help when he wasn’t -swearing. When the ceremony was over the -aeronaut managed to land the balloon without -seriously damaging the bridegroom, but when, -a year or two afterward, the bride wanted to<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_127"></a>[127]</span> -get her divorce, the court held that there had -never been any marriage, for the reason that -both the groom and the bride had not appeared -together in the presence of the officiating minister, -and that, furthermore, there was no provision -in the law which would permit a man to -be married upside down.</p> - -<p>“But to get back to Josiah Wilson. He lived -in Indiana, close to the boundary line between -that State and Illinois, and he courted Melinda -Smith, a young woman who lived a little way -up the mountain-side with her father and three -brothers. The girl was anxious to be married, -but her family were dead against it. You see, -Josiah was a Republican and a Methodist, while -the Smiths were Democrats and Baptists, and, -naturally, they hated each other like poison; and -one night as old man Smith and Josiah met on -their way to rival prayer-meetings they exchanged -revolver-shots, without, however, doing -any harm. Then, once Josiah had most of the -calf of his leg taken off by the Smiths’ bull-dog, -and twice the Smith boys came into the sitting-room -where Josiah was calling on Melinda, and<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_128"></a>[128]</span> -suggested to him with their shot-guns that he -had better go home. Gradually Josiah and -Melinda came to the conclusion that her family -were resolved to discourage the match, so they -determined to elope and be married without the -knowledge or consent of anybody.</p> - -<p>“One dark night Josiah carried a ladder and -planted it under Melinda’s window. He had -advised her to walk out of the front door, which -was always left unlocked at night, but she refused, -saying that if she was going to elope she -should do it in the proper way, and that if -Josiah had no respect for her she had some little -respect for herself. She climbed down the -ladder with a good deal of difficulty, because -she insisted that Josiah should help her, and -also that he should stand forty yards away, for -reasons connected with her ankles, and he found -it rather trying to follow out these contradictory -orders. However, Melinda reached the -ground at last, and the pair started in a carriage -that had been waiting just around a bend in the -road, in company with the Methodist minister. -Their plan was to drive to the next town and<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_129"></a>[129]</span> -there to be married, but it happened that one of -the Smith boys, being restless, got up in the -night, and, looking out of the window, saw the -ladder standing at Melinda’s window. In about -twenty minutes after the young people had -started, the whole Smith family and their shot-guns -were following the runaways in a wagon -and gaining on them fast.</p> - -<p>“The Methodist minister, whose hearing was -unusually good, heard the sound of hoofs before -Josiah noticed it, and told the young people that -there was not the least doubt that they were -pursued, and would be overtaken in a very few -minutes. ‘And then, you know,’ he added, -‘the chances are that, being Baptists, they will -shoot first and ask for explanations afterward. -The only thing for us to do is to get the marriage -ceremony over before they come up. -Then they will see that opposition is of no use -and will listen to reason.’</p> - -<p>“Josiah and Melinda at once consented, and -the parson, noticing a little clearing in the -woods on the left-hand side of the road and a -flat sort of tombstone standing in the middle of<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_130"></a>[130]</span> -it, said that he would stand on that stone and -marry his young friends so quick that it would -make their hair curl. He was particularly glad -to meet with a handy tombstone, for he said -that a tombstone was the next thing to a church, -and that to be married by the side of a tomb -would be almost as solemn as to be married in -a minister’s study. So the party hastily descended, -the parson mounted the stone, Josiah -and Melinda joined hands in front of him, and -they were married and the parson had kissed -the bride and pocketed his fee just as the -Smiths’ wagon drove up and the Smith boys -cocked their guns and covered the party. But -the parson was wide awake. He had his -revolver out and old man Smith covered -before anybody had taken aim at him, but -instead of shooting he remarked that he was -a minister of the blessed gospel of peace, that -there was no necessity for bloodshed, and that -he would blow a hole through old Smith unless -the Smith boys lowered their weapons and consented -to argue the matter. ‘The fact is, Colonel -Smith,’ said the parson, ‘you’re too late.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_131"></a>[131]</span> -The young people are legally married, and the -sooner you accept the situation the better. I -married them not two minutes ago, standing on -that identical tombstone.’</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp64" id="illus22" style="max-width: 37.5em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus22.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“‘YOU’LL COME STRAIGHT HOME WITH ME.’”</p> -</div> - -<p>“Colonel Smith was a lawyer, and the sharpest<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_132"></a>[132]</span> -one in that part of the country. He saw the -force of the minister’s remarks, so he told the -boys to put up their guns and he shook hands -with the minister. Then he inquired, in a careless -sort of way, where Josiah and Melinda had -stood while they were being married. The parson -showed the footprints of the bride and -groom, and then Colonel Smith turned to -Melinda and said, ‘You’ll come straight home -with me. There hasn’t been any marriage yet. -That stone is the boundary mark between -Indiana and Illinois, and you were standing in -Indiana and that other idiot was standing in -Illinois when the parson tried to marry you. -Nobody can marry in two States at the same -time, and I shan’t recognize the pretended marriage -till a court of law compels me to do so, -which will be never. I hope this will teach -you the folly of fooling with Methodism. -When you want to get married next time try a -Baptist minister, who will know the difference -between a tombstone and a boundary mark.’ -There were too many Smiths and they were too -well armed to be reasoned with successfully, so<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_133"></a>[133]</span> -the upshot was that Melinda went home with -her family and Josiah and the parson went to -see a lawyer.</p> - -<p>“The next day Josiah brought a suit for -divorce against Melinda. It was a friendly -suit, you understand, and his only object was -to test the question of the validity of his marriage, -for, of course, no man can get a divorce -unless he first proves that he is married. Old -man Smith conducted the case on his side, and -a lawyer named Starkweather, who is now a -member of the Illinois Legislature, appeared for -Josiah Wilson. Colonel Smith argued that -while the parson who conducted the alleged -marriage ceremony could undoubtedly have -married a couple in the State of Indiana, he -could not marry a woman in Indiana to a man -in Illinois, for the reason that the man and the -woman could not be in the same place while -they were in two different commonwealths, and -that hence Josiah and Melinda had not legally -appeared together before the officiating minister. -Furthermore, he argued that the minister at the -time of the pretended marriage was standing<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_134"></a>[134]</span> -neither in Indiana nor in Illinois, but on the -boundary line; that the statute defined the -boundary line as ‘an imaginary line’ running -from such and such a point to such and such a -point, and that a minister who stands in a -purely imaginary locality stands virtually nowhere, -and hence cannot perform any function -of his calling.</p> - -<p>“On the other hand, Josiah’s lawyer claimed -that the minister had married Melinda Smith in -the State of Indiana; that consequently she -must have been married to somebody, and that -that somebody was unquestionably Josiah Wilson. -As to the point that the minister stood in -an imaginary locality because, as was alleged, -he stood on the boundary line, the lawyer maintained -that it was a physical impossibility that -a minister weighing two hundred and fifty -pounds could stand in a purely imaginative -place. Moreover, he was prepared to prove -that while performing the ceremony at least -one of the minister’s feet was in the State of -Indiana, which was sufficient to make him -legally present in that State.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_135"></a>[135]</span></p> - -<p>“The arguments lasted three days, and the -court before which it was tried, consisting of -three judges, took all the third day to deliver -its verdict. It decided that Melinda Smith was -legally married to some person unknown, though -not to Josiah Wilson, and that Josiah Wilson -was also married to some unknown woman, -who was not Melinda Smith, whoever else she -might be; that no marriage between the plaintiff -and the defendant had ever taken place; and -that no divorce could be granted, but that if -either of them married any one else he or she -would be guilty of bigamy.</p> - -<p>“The Smiths, with the exception of Melinda, -were delighted with the decision, for it made it -reasonably certain that Josiah could never be -recognized as her husband. She was a good -deal cast down about it, for, like every other -Indiana girl, she had looked forward to being -married and divorced as the natural lot of -woman. Now it appeared that she was married, -but in such an unsatisfactory way that she -could never have a husband and never be -divorced from any one. As for Josiah, he was<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_136"></a>[136]</span> -furious, but there was no help for it; the law -was against him, and, as a law-abiding man, -he was obliged to respect it, especially as he -could not hope to kill off all four of the Smiths -if he decided to make a family feud of it; he -himself having no family whatever, and no one -to help him to keep up his end of the feud.</p> - -<p>“For the next fifteen years Josiah lived -a single man except in name, and Melinda -mourned her hard fate and kept house for her -father and brothers; but one day Josiah’s lawyer, -who was by this time in the legislature, -came to him and offered to have his marriage to -Melinda made legal in all respects for five hundred -dollars. The lawyer was so certain that -he could do this that he was willing to wait for -his pay until after he had gained a verdict, and -Josiah, after a little bargaining such as every -self-respecting man would have made in his -place, consented to the lawyer’s terms. It -seems that the lawyer had accidentally discovered -that there had been a mistake in the survey -of part of the boundary line between Indiana -and Illinois, and at the very place where Josiah<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_137"></a>[137]</span> -and Melinda were married. A rectification of -this mistake would move the line ten feet west, -and so place the spot where the pair stood during -their wedding entirely within the State of -Indiana. The proper steps to obtain the rectification -of the boundary were taken, and it was -rectified. Then Melinda in her turn began a -suit for divorce against Josiah, and had no -difficulty in proving the marriage and in obtaining -a decree. Josiah paid the lawyer his five -hundred dollars and was overjoyed at being -finally able to call his Melinda his own. But he -met with a little disappointment. Now that -Melinda had obtained her divorce, she thought -she might as well live up to it and marry a -fresh husband. So she married the Methodist -minister, who had just lost his third wife, and -lived happily ever afterward.</p> - -<p>“It was just after this that Josiah, being perhaps -made a little reckless by his disappointment, -became involved in the affair that I was -going to tell you about when you interrupted -me and wanted to hear about his marriage. -Matrimony is a mighty curious thing, and you<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_138"></a>[138]</span> -can never tell precisely how it is going to turn -out. That is one reason why I was never married -but once, though I spent ten years of my -life in Chicago, and had friends at the bar who -stood ready to obtain divorces for me at any -moment and without a dollar of expense.”</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_139"></a>[139]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" style="max-width: 31.25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/header4.jpg" alt="" /> -</div> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="HOSKINS_PETS">HOSKINS’ PETS.</h2> - -</div> - -<p>“Yes!” said the Colonel reflectively, “I’ve -been almost everywhere in my time except -in jail, and I’ve been in a great deal worse -places than a first-class American jail with all -the modern improvements. The fact is that -philanthropic people have gone so far in improving -the condition of prisoners that most of -our prisons are rather better than most of our -hotels. At any rate, they are less expensive -and the guests are treated with more respect.</p> - -<p>“I never could understand a craze that some -people have for prisoners. For instance, in -New York and Chicago the young ladies have -a society for giving flowers to murderers. -Whenever a man is convicted of murder and -sentenced to be hanged, the girls begin to heave -flowers into his cell till he can’t turn round -without upsetting a vase of roses or a big<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_140"></a>[140]</span> -basinful of pansies and getting his feet wet. I -once knew a murderer who told me that if anything -could reconcile him to being hung it -would be in getting rid of the floral tributes that<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_141"></a>[141]</span> -the girls lavished on him. You see, he was one -of the leading murderers in that section of -country, and consequently he received about a -cart-load of flowers every day.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp56" id="illus23" style="max-width: 32.8125em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus23.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“HEAVE FLOWERS INTO HIS CELL.”</p> -</div> - -<p>“I had a neighbor when I lived in New -Berlinopolisville who was President of the -Society for Ameliorating the Condition of -Prisoners, and he was the craziest man on the -subject that I ever met. His name was Hoskins—Colonel -Uriah Hoskins. He was the -author of the Hoskins Bill that attracted so -much attention when it was before the legislature, -though it never became law. The hill -provided that every prisoner should have a sitting-room -as well as a sleeping-room, and that -it should be furnished with a piano, a banjo, -a library, a typewriter, a wine-cooler, and a -whist-table; that the prisoner should be permitted -to hold two weekly receptions, to which -everybody should be allowed to come, and that -he should be taught any branch of study that -he might care to take up, books and masters -being, of course, supplied free. Colonel Hoskins -used to insist that the only thing that made<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_142"></a>[142]</span> -a man go wrong was the lack of kindness, and -that the sure way to reform a criminal was to -treat him with so much kindness that he would -grow ashamed of being wicked, and would fall -on everybody’s neck and devote the rest of his -life to weeping tears of repentance and singing -hymns of joy.</p> - -<p>“While Colonel Hoskins was fond of all -styles of criminals, burglars were his particular -pets. According to him, a burglar was more -deserving of kindness than any other man. -‘How would you like it,’ he used to say, ‘if you -had to earn your living by breaking into houses -in the middle of the night, instead of sleeping -peacefully in your bed? Do you think you -would be full of good thoughts after you had -been bitten by the watch-dog and fired at -by the man of the house, and earned nothing -by your labor except a bad cold and the prospect -of hydrophobia? There is nothing more -brutal than the way in which society treats -the burglar; and so long as society refuses -to put him in the way of earning an easier -and less dangerous living, he cannot be blamed<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_143"></a>[143]</span> -if he continues to practise his midnight profession.’</p> - -<p>“I must say this for Colonel Hoskins. He -did not confine himself to talk, like many other -philanthropists, but was always trying to carry -out his principles. He really meant what he -said about burglars, and there isn’t the least -doubt that he had more sympathy for them than -he had for the honest men of his acquaintance.</p> - -<p>“When people asked him what he would do if -he woke up in the night and found a burglar in -his house, and whether or not he would shoot -at him, he said that he would as soon think of -shooting at his own wife, and that he would -undertake to reform that burglar, then and there, -by kindness alone. Once somebody said to -Hoskins that he ought really to let the burglars -know his feelings toward them, and Hoskins -said that he would do it without delay.</p> - -<p>“That same day he drew up a beautiful -‘Notice to Burglars,’ and had it printed in big -letters and framed and hung up in the dining-room -of his house. It read in this way: ‘Burglars -are respectfully informed that the silverware<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_144"></a>[144]</span> -is all plated, and that the proprietor of -this house never keeps ready money on hand. -Cake and wine will be found in the dining-room -closet, and burglars are cordially invited to rest -and refresh themselves. Please wipe your feet -on the mat, and close the window when leaving -the house.’</p> - -<p>“Colonel Hoskins took a good deal of pride in -that notice. He showed it to every one who -called at the house, and said that if other people -would follow his example and treat burglars -like Christians and gentlemen, there would soon -be an end of burglary, for the burglars would be -so touched by the kindness of their treatment -that they would abandon the business and become -honored members of society—insurance -presidents, or bank cashiers, or church treasurers. -He didn’t say how the reformed burglars -were to find employment in banks and -insurance offices and such, but that was a matter -of detail, and he always preferred to devise -large and noble schemes, and leave the working -details of them to other men.</p> - -<p>“One morning Colonel Hoskins, who was an<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_145"></a>[145]</span> -early riser, went down to the dining-room before -breakfast, and was surprised to find that he had -had a midnight visit from burglars. Two -empty wine-bottles stood on the table, and all -the cake was eaten, which showed that the -burglars had accepted the invitation to refresh -themselves. But they did not seem to have -accepted it in quite the right spirit. All Hoskins’ -spoons and forks lay in a heap in the middle -of the floor, and every one was twisted or -broken so as to be good for nothing. The window -had been left open and the rain had ruined -the curtains, and on a dirty piece of paper the -burglars had scrawled with a lead-pencil the -opinion that ‘Old Hoskins is the biggest fule -and the gol-darndest skinflint in the country. -You set out whiskey next time, or we’ll serve -you out.’</p> - -<p>“Hoskins was not in the least cast down by -the rudeness of the burglars. ‘Poor fellows,’ -he said, ‘they have been so used to bad treatment -that they don’t altogether appreciate kindness -at first. But they will learn.’ So he laid -in some new spoons and forks and added a bottle<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_146"></a>[146]</span> -of whiskey to the wine that he kept in the -closet for the burglars, and was as confident as -ever that the next gang that might break into -his house would be melted into tears and repentance -and would call him their best and dearest -friend.</p> - -<p>“A week or two later Mrs. Hoskins was -awakened by a noise in the dining-room, and -after waking up her husband told him that -there were burglars in the house, and that he -must get out of the back window and go for the -police. He told her that he was sorry to see -her manifest such an unchristian spirit, and -he would show her how burglars ought to be -treated. There was not the least doubt that -there were burglars in the house, and they were -making a good deal more noise than was strictly -consistent with the prospect of rising in their -profession, for no able burglar ever makes any -unnecessary noise while engaged in business, -unless, of course, he falls over a coal-scuttle, -and then he naturally uses language. St. Paul -himself would probably say something pretty -strong in similar circumstances. Hoskins was<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_147"></a>[147]</span> -sincerely delighted to have the opportunity to -meet his burglarious friends, and he lost no -time in dressing and descending to the dining-room.</p> - -<p>“He wore his slippers, and the burglars—there -were two of them—did not hear him until -he was fairly in the dining room. They were -seated at the table, with their feet on the -damask table-cloth, and the bottle of whiskey -was nearly empty. The Colonel was much -pleased to see that they had not damaged his -silverware, and he was just about to thank them -when they saw him. They started up, and one -of them caught him by the throat, while the -other held a pistol to his head and promised to -blow out his brains if he made the slightest -noise. Then they tied him hand and foot, -gagged him, and laid him on the floor, and then -sat down to finish the whiskey.</p> - -<p>“Both the burglars were partly drunk, which -accounted for the unprofessional noise they had -been making. They talked in rather a low -tone, but Hoskins could hear everything they -said, and it was not particularly encouraging<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_148"></a>[148]</span> -to a gagged and bound philanthropist. They -agreed that he was a fool, and a stingy fool, or -else he would have kept money in the house, -and would have set out lemons and sugar as -well as plain whiskey. They said that any -man who treated poor working-men in that way -wasn’t fit to live, and that Hoskins would have -to be killed, even if it was not necessary—as it -plainly was in this case—to kill him in order to -prevent him from appearing at any future time -as a witness against them. They admitted that -the whiskey was not bad of its kind, but they -were of the opinion that Hoskins had left it in -their way so that they might get drunk and be -caught by the police.</p> - -<p>“Colonel Hoskins listened to this conversation -with horror, and the prospect that the drunken -rascals would be as good as their word, and kill -him before they left the house, was only a little -more painful than the conviction that his -method, appealing to the better nature of burglars, -had failed for the second time. When the -whiskey was exhausted the men rose up and -looked at Hoskins, and a happy thought struck<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_149"></a>[149]</span> -one of them. ‘Thishyer idiot,’ he said, ‘may -not have any money in the house, but he’s -bound to have some in the bank, and he’s going -to write us a check for a thousand dollars, provided -we let him off and don’t kick his brains -out this time.’ The other burglar, who was -in that benevolent frame of mind that Irish -whiskey and conscious virtue sometimes produce, -agreed to the suggestion, and Hoskins -was therefore unbound and seated at the table, -and told to draw a check at once if he had the -least regard for his life. As he was gagged he -could not explain to the burglars the kind feelings -that he still had toward them, and the fact -that they could not draw the money on the -check without being captured by the police. -So he simply signed the check, and groaned to -think that the poor burglars were so slow to be -reformed in the way that he had hoped they -would be.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp56" id="illus24" style="max-width: 32.8125em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus24.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“TIED HIM IN A CHAIR.”</p> -</div> - -<p>“When this business was over, the burglars -tied Hoskins’ wrists together again and then -tied him in a chair. Then they set to work to -do all the damage they could do without making<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_150"></a>[150]</span> -too much noise. They tore the curtains and -hacked the piano with knives, and poured a jug -of golden syrup over the carpet. Then they -plastered Colonel Hoskins’ face with raspberry -jam and emptied a sack of flour over his head, -and went away, telling him that if he ever<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_151"></a>[151]</span> -again ventured to trifle with the feelings of poor -but self-respecting men, they would put him to -death by slow tortures.</p> - -<p>“Hoskins sat in the chair for a couple of -hours, till his wife timidly crept downstairs and -released him. It took him a good hour to get -the jam and the flour out of his hair and -whiskers, and as Mrs. Hoskins said that he was -in no state to enter a decent bedroom and made -him wash at the pump in the back yard, he -found it a rather cold operation. Perhaps it -was the remarks that Mrs. Hoskins addressed -to him during the operation that irritated him, -for she intimated very plainly that he was no -better than a professional idiot, and when a -man’s hair is stuck together with jam, remarks -of this sort from the wife of his bosom seem to -be lacking in tenderness. However that may -be, Colonel Hoskins had no sooner got himself -into what his wife condescended to call a state -of comparative decency, than he took down his -‘Notice to Burglars’ and tore it into a thousand -pieces. That day he had an electric burglar-alarm -put into his house, he bought the<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_152"></a>[152]</span> -savagest dog that he could find, and he stopped -the payment of the check, which, however, was -never presented. He continued to be the President -of the Society for Ameliorating the Condition -of Prisoners, but he steadily refused to -ameliorate a single prisoner convicted of burglary, -and while he was always a lunatic in -regard to other criminals, he openly maintained -that a burglar was the worst of men and that -kindness was utterly thrown away upon him. -He never had any more burglars in his house, -though the dog now and then lunched off warm -leg when some stranger to that part of the country -ventured into the Hoskins premises at -night. Hoskins was very fond of the animal, -which was quite right, but his practice of leaving -a bottle of whiskey, with an ounce of -strychnine in it, on the dining-room table every -night, in case a burglar should succeed in getting -into the house, was, in my opinion, going -a little too far. Antimonial wine would have -been much more humane and sufficiently effective. -But there is no man who is more severe -than a philanthropist who has been turned sour.”</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_153"></a>[153]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" style="max-width: 31.25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/header5.jpg" alt="" /> -</div> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="THE_CATS_REVENGE">THE CAT’S REVENGE.</h2> - -</div> - -<p>We had been discussing the Darwinian -hypothesis, and the Colonel had maintained a -profound silence, which was sufficient evidence -that he did not believe in the development of -man from the lower animals. Some one, however, -asked him plumply his opinion of Darwinism, -and he sententiously replied, “Darned -nonsense!”</p> - -<p>Feeling that this view of the matter possibly -merited expansion, the Colonel caused his chair -to assume its customary oratorical attitude on -its two rear legs, and began to discourse.</p> - -<p>“There are some things,” he remarked, -“which do look as if there might be a grain of -truth in this monkey theory. For instance, -when I was in France I was pretty nearly convinced -that the monkey is the connecting link -between man and the Frenchmen, but after all<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_154"></a>[154]</span> -there is no proof of it. That’s what’s the matter -with Darwinism. When you produce a -man who can remember that his grandfather -was a monkey, or when you show me a monkey -that can produce papers to prove that he is my -second cousin, I’ll believe all Darwin said on -the subject; but as the thing stands I’ve nothing -but Darwin’s word to prove that men and -monkeys are near relations. So far as I can -learn, Darwin didn’t know as much about -animals as a man ought to know who undertakes -to invent a theory about them. He never -was intimate with dogs and he never drove an -army mule. He had a sort of bowing acquaintance -with monkeys and a few other animals of -no particular standing in the community, but -he couldn’t even understand a single animal -language. Now, if he had gone to work and -learned to read and write and speak the monkey -language, as that American professor that you -were just speaking of has done, he might have -been able to give us some really valuable information.</p> - -<p>“Do I believe that animals talk? I don’t<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_155"></a>[155]</span> -simply believe it, I know it. When I was a -young man I had a good deal to do with -animals, and I learned to understand the cat -language just as well as I understood English. -It’s an easy language when once you get the -hang of it, and from what I hear of German -the two are considerably alike. You look as if -you didn’t altogether believe me, though why -you should doubt that a man can learn cat -language when the world is full of men that -pretend to have learned German, and nobody -calls their word in question, I don’t precisely -see.</p> - -<p>“Of course, I don’t pretend to understand all -the cat dialects. For example, I don’t know -a word of the Angora dialect and can only -understand a sentence here and there of the -tortoise-shell dialect; but so far as good, pure -standard cat language goes, it’s as plain as -print to me to-day, though I haven’t paid any -attention to it for forty years. I don’t want -you to understand that I ever spoke it. I -always spoke English when I was talking with -cats. They all understand English as well as<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_156"></a>[156]</span> -you do. They pick it up just as a child picks -up a language from hearing it spoken.</p> - -<p>“Forty years ago I was a young man, and, -like most young men, I fancied that I was in -love with a young woman of our town. There -isn’t the least doubt in my mind that I should -have married her if I had not known the cat -language. She afterward married a man whom -she took away to Africa with her as a missionary. -I knew him well, and he didn’t want to -go to Africa. Said he had no call to be a -missionary, and that all he wanted was to live -in a Christian country where he could go and -talk with the boys in the bar-room evenings. -But his wife carried him off, and it’s my belief -that if I had married her she would have made -me turn missionary, or pirate, or anything else -that she thought best. I shall never cease to be -grateful to Thomas Aquinas for saving me -from that woman.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp61" id="illus25" style="max-width: 35.9375em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus25.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“I HAD AN OLD NEGRO HOUSEKEEPER AND TWO CATS.”</p> -</div> - -<p>“This was the way of it. I was living in a -little cottage that belonged to my uncle, and -that he let me have rent free on condition that I -should take care of it and keep the grounds in<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_157"></a>[157]</span> -an attractive state until he could sell it. I had -an old negro housekeeper and two cats. One of -them, Martha Washington by name, was young -and handsome, and about as bright a cat as I<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_158"></a>[158]</span> -ever knew. She had a strong sense of humor, -too, which is unusual with cats, and when -something amused her she would throw back -her head and open her mouth wide, and laugh -a silent laugh that was as hearty and rollicking -as a Methodist parson’s laugh when he hears -a gray-haired joke at a negro minstrel show. -Martha was perhaps the most popular cat in the -town, and there was scarcely a minute in the -day when there wasn’t some one of her admirers -in the back yard. As for serenades, she -had three or four every night that it didn’t -rain. There was a quartette club formed by -four first-class feline voices, and the club used -to give Martha and me two or three hours of -music three times a week. I used sometimes -to find as many as six or seven old boots in the -back yard of a morning that had been contributed -by enthusiastic neighbors. As for society, -Martha Washington was at the top of the heap. -There wasn’t a more fashionable cat in the -whole State of Ohio—I was living in Ohio at -the time—and in spite of it all she was as -simple and unaffected in her ways as if she<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_159"></a>[159]</span> -had been born and bred in a Quaker meeting-house.</p> - -<p>“One afternoon Martha was giving a four-o’clock -milk on the veranda next to my room. -I always gave her permission to give that sort -of entertainment whenever she wanted to, for -the gossip of her friends used to be very amusing -to me. Among the guests that afternoon -was Susan’s Maltese cat. Susan was the young -lady I wanted to marry. Now, this cat had -always pretended to be very fond of me, and -Susan often said that her cat never made a mistake -in reading character, and that the cat’s -approval of me was equivalent to a first-class -Sunday-school certificate of moral character. I -didn’t care anything about the cat myself, for -somehow I didn’t place any confidence in her -professions. There was an expression about her -tail which, to my mind, meant that she was insincere -and treacherous. The Maltese cat had -finished her milk, when the conversation drifted -around to the various mistresses of the cats, and -presently some one spoke of Susan. Then the -Maltese began to say things about Susan that<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_160"></a>[160]</span> -made my blood boil. It was not only what she -said, but what she insinuated, and according to -her Susan was one of the meanest and most -contemptible women in the whole United States. -I stood it as long as I could, and then I got up -and said to Martha Washington, ‘I think your -Maltese friend is needed at her home, and the -sooner she goes the better if she doesn’t want -to be helped home with a club.’ That was -enough. The Maltese, who was doing up her -back fur when I spoke, stopped, looked at me -as if she could tear me into pieces, and then -flounced out of the house without saying a -word. I understood that there was an end to -her pretence of friendship for me, and that -henceforth I should have an enemy in Susan’s -house who might, perhaps, be able to do me a -good deal of harm.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp56" id="illus26" style="max-width: 32.8125em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus26.jpg" alt="" /> - <p class="caption">“POOR PUSSY’S NERVES ARE THOROUGHLY UPSET.”</p> -</div> - -<p>“The next time I called to see Susan the -Maltese was in the room, and she instantly put -up her back and tail and swore at me as if I -was a Chinaman on the lookout for material for -a stolen dinner. ‘What can be the matter with -poor pussy?’ said Susan. ‘She seems to be so<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_161"></a>[161]</span> -terribly afraid of you all of a sudden. I hope -it doesn’t mean that you have been doing something -that she doesn’t approve of.’ I didn’t -make any reply to this insinuation, except to<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_162"></a>[162]</span> -say that the cat might perhaps be going mad, -but this didn’t help me any with Susan, who -was really angry at the idea that her cat could -be capable of going mad.</p> - -<p>“The same sort of thing happened every time -I went to the house. The cat was always in -the room, and always expressed, in the plainest -way, the opinion that I was a thief and a murderer -and an enemy of the temperance society. -When I asked her what she meant to do, she -would give me no reply except a fresh oath or -other bad language. Threats had no effect on -her, for she knew that I could not touch her in -Susan’s house, and she didn’t intend that I -should catch her outside of the house. Nothing -was clearer than that the Maltese was bound to -make a quarrel between me and Susan, in revenge -for what I had said at Martha’s four-o’clock -milk.</p> - -<p>“Meanwhile Susan began to take the thing -very seriously, and hinted that the cat’s opposition -to me might be a providential warning -against me. ‘I never knew her to take such a -prejudice against any one before,’ she said,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_163"></a>[163]</span> -‘except against that converted Jew who afterward -turned out to be a burglar, and nearly -murdered poor dear Mr. Higby, the Baptist -preacher, the night he broke into Mr. Higby’s -house and stole all his hams.’ Once when I -did manage to give the Maltese a surreptitious -kick, and she yelled as if she was half-killed, -Susan said, ‘I am really afraid I shall have to -ask you to leave us now. Poor pussy’s nerves -are so thoroughly upset that I must devote all -my energies to soothing her. I do hope she is -mistaken in her estimate of you.’ This was -not very encouraging, and I saw clearly that if -the Maltese kept up her opposition the chances -that Susan would marry me were not worth a -rush.</p> - -<p>“Did I tell you that I had a large gray cat by -the name of Thomas Aquinas? He was in some -respects the most remarkable cat I ever met. -Most people considered him rather a dull person, -but among cats he was conceded to have a colossal -mind. Cats would come from miles away -to ask his advice about things. I don’t mean -such trifling matters as his views on<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_164"></a>[164]</span> -mice-catching—which, by the way, is a thing that -has very little interest for most cats—or his -opinion of the best way in which to get a -canary bird through the bars of a cage. They -used to consult him on matters of the highest -importance, and the opinions that he used to -give would have laid over those of Benjamin -Franklin himself. Why, Martha Washington -told me that Thomas Aquinas knew more -about bringing up kittens than the oldest and -most experienced feline matron that she had -ever known. As for common sense, Thomas -Aquinas was just a solid chunk of it, as you -might say, and I get into the habit of consulting -him whenever I wanted a good, safe, cautious -opinion. He would see at a glance where -the trouble was, and would give me advice that -no lawyer could have beaten, no matter how -big a fee he might have charged.</p> - -<p>“Well, I went home from Susan’s house, and -I said to Thomas Aquinas, ‘Thomas’—for he -was one of those cats that you would no more -have called ‘Tom’ than you would call Mr. -Gladstone ‘Bill’—‘Thomas,’ I said, ‘I want<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_165"></a>[165]</span> -you to come with me to Miss Susan’s and tell -that Maltese beast that if she doesn’t quit her -practice of swearing at me whenever I come -into the room it will be the worse for her.’</p> - -<p>“‘That’s easy enough,’ said Thomas. ‘I -know one or two little things about that cat -that would not do to be told, and she knows that -I know them. Never you fear but that I can -shut her up in a moment. I heard that she was -going about bragging that she would get square -with you for something you said to her one day, -but I didn’t feel called upon to interfere without -your express approval.’”</p> - -<p>“The next day Thomas and I strolled over to -Susan’s, and, as luck would have it, we were -shown into her reception-room before she came -downstairs. The Maltese cat was in the room, -and began her usual game of being filled with -horror at the sight of such a hardened wretch -as myself. Of course, Thomas Aquinas took -it up at once, and the two had a pretty hot -argument. Now Thomas, in spite of his colossal -mind, was a quick-tempered cat, and he was -remarkably free-spoken when he was roused.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_166"></a>[166]</span> -One word led to another, and presently the -Maltese flew at Thomas, and for about two -minutes that room was so thick with fur that -you could hardly see the fight. Of course, there -could have been only one end to the affair. -My cat weighed twice what the Maltese -weighed, and after a few rounds he had her by -the neck, and never let go until he had killed -her. I was just saying ‘Hooray! Thomas!’ -when Susan came into the room.</p> - -<p>“I pass over what she said. Its general sense -was that a man who encouraged dumb animals -to fight, and who brought a great savage brute -into her house to kill her sweet little pussy in -her own parlor, wasn’t fit to live. She would -listen to no explanations, and when I said that -Thomas had called at my request to reason with -the Maltese about her unkind conduct toward -me, Susan said that my attempt to turn an infamous -outrage into a stupid joke made the -matter all the worse, and that she must insist -that I and my prize-fighting beast should leave -her house at once and never enter it again.</p> - -<p>“So you see that if it had not been that I<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_167"></a>[167]</span> -understood what the Maltese cat said at Martha -Washington’s milk party, I should probably -never have quarrelled with either Susan or her -cat, and should now have been a missionary in -Central Africa, if I hadn’t blown my brains -out or taken to drink. I have often thought -that the man Susan did marry might have been -saved if he had known the cat language in time -and had made the acquaintance of the Maltese.”</p> - -<p>The Colonel paused, and presently I asked -him if he really expected us to believe his story.</p> - -<p>“Why not?” he replied. “It isn’t any stiffer -than Darwin’s yarn about our being descended -from monkeys. You believe that on the word -of a man you never saw, and I expect you to -believe my story that I understand the cat language -on my unsupported word. Perhaps the -story is a little tough, but if you are going in -for science you shouldn’t let your credulity be -backed down by any story.”</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_168"></a>[168]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" style="max-width: 31.25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/header6.jpg" alt="" /> -</div> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="SILVER-PLATED">SILVER-PLATED.</h2> - -</div> - -<p>The <i>Etruria</i> was nearing New York, and -the prospect of the inevitable interview with the -custom-house officers had already cast a gloom -over the passengers. For the most part they -were silent, and their faces wore an anxious and -solemn expression. The Rev. Mr. Waterman, -of the Eighth Day Baptist Church, who had -bought largely of ready-made clothing in London, -even suggested that it might be well to -hold a prayer-meeting in the saloon.</p> - -<p>A group of half a dozen men were sitting -in the lee of one of the deck-houses, smoking -silently, when one of the number, a young and -sanguine person, suddenly exclaimed:</p> - -<p>“I don’t believe any honest man ever has any -trouble with the custom-house. It’s the fellows -who want to defraud the Government who make -all the complaints.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_169"></a>[169]</span></p> - -<p>“What you say may be patriotism and it -may be ignorance——”</p> - -<p>“What’s the difference?” murmured a cynical -interrupter.</p> - -<p>“But,” continued the speaker, “it isn’t true. -I never tried to defraud the Government, but -for all that I’ve had more trouble with the custom-house -than if I’d been an honest collector -of the port trying not to mix up politics with -the business of the office.”</p> - -<p>“America expects every man to pay his duty, -Colonel,” replied the sanguine young man, with -a vague reminiscence of Nelson. “Tell us -about your trouble, and I rather think you’ll -have to admit that it was because you didn’t -want to pay duty on something.”</p> - -<p>The Colonel was generally understood by the -rest of the passengers to be a sort of theatrical -manager, a position which in the United -States entitles a man to the relative rank of -colonel in the militia and commodore in the -canal-boat service. He had on several occasions -shown a knowledge of music and of -professional musicians which had won for him<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_170"></a>[170]</span> -some respect among those of his fellow-passengers -who did not know the difference between a -hurdy-gurdy and a hautboy, and were therefore -fond of posing as musical critics. He was a -shrewd, good-tempered colonel, and the barkeeper -said that he was the most elegant, high-toned -gentleman he had ever crossed with.</p> - -<p>“Electricity, gentlemen,” resumed the Colonel, -“is the biggest thing of the century, but it -has its drawbacks. Did any of you ever happen -to ride on that electric railroad in Berlin? -Well, I have, and ’most anybody who goes to -Berlin is liable to ride on it. It taught me, -however, that a man ought to be pretty careful -when he trusts himself in an electric car.</p> - -<p>“It happened in this way. I was an agent -in the general show business, and was collecting -an opera company for a friend of mine who was -going to open in Chicago. I had come across a -first-class tenor—found him in a country church -choir in Germany—and was bringing him home -with me under a contract, when he and I took -that ride on that Berlin electric road. He was -a careless sort of chap, and he sat down in a<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_171"></a>[171]</span> -corner of the car where the electricity had been -leaking and the seat was pretty wet.”</p> - -<p>“I never knew before,” remarked the young -man, “that electricity could make a seat wet.”</p> - -<p>“Probably not,” retorted the Colonel. “I -should judge that there might be a right smart -lot of things that you mightn’t know. Most of -these gentlemen here, however, have probably -heard that nowadays electricity is put up for -use in bottles and metallic cans. It stands to -reason that anything capable of being put into -a bottle is capable of leaking, and wetting whatever -it leaks on. If there is anybody here who -knows more about bottles than I do, I’m ready -to let him tell this story.</p> - -<p>“As I was saying, my man sat down in a -sort of pool of electric fluid, and sat there for -about half an hour. He was wearing in the -fob-pocket of his trousers a cheap silver watch. -I had given it to him so that he might get some -exercise and prevent himself from getting too -fat. He never suspected my motive, but he -tired himself all out winding it up for two hours -every night. Now you may not believe it, but<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_172"></a>[172]</span> -I give you my word that the electricity completely -dissolved that watch-case and deposited -the silver around the man’s waist. He didn’t -find it out till night, and you never saw a man -so scared as when he found that there was a -band about four inches wide silver-plated all -round his waist. The doctor told him that the -only possible way of getting it off would be to -dissolve it with acid, but that the acid would -eat clean through to his spine and injure his -voice. So my tenor had to let bad enough -alone, and be satisfied with another ten-and-sixpenny -gymnasium that I gave him to mollify -his feelings.</p> - -<p>“We came over on the <i>Arizona</i>, and it got -around during the passage that my man was -silver-plated. There was a custom-house spy -on board, and it happened that after the tenor -had sworn that he had nothing dutiable with -him, the inspector ordered him to strip and be -personally examined. Of course when this was -done it was discovered that he was silver-plated, -and he was held for duty under the -general heading in the tariff of ‘all other articles,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_173"></a>[173]</span> -silver-plated, or in whole, and not elsewhere -enumerated,’ and taxed fifty per cent <i>ad -valorem</i> and fined two hundred and fifty dollars -for failing to declare that he was plated. -He couldn’t pay and I wouldn’t pay, and so he -was locked up in a bonded warehouse, and I -went to consult my lawyer.</p> - -<p>“I laid all the facts before him, and told him -I would pay him handsomely if he could get my -man out of the custom-house without paying -either duty or fine. Now, the lawyer knew the -tariff from beginning to end, and if any man -could help me I knew he could. He didn’t -promise anything at first, but he discussed -the question by and large and in all its bearings.</p> - -<p>“‘I’m afraid,’ said he, ‘that there is no hope -of getting your friend out without paying duty, -but we may succeed in having him classified so -as to make the duty very low. For instance, -you say the man is a professional singer. Now, -we might have him classed as a musical instrument -and taxed forty-five per cent <i>ad valorem</i>. -By the bye, what did you agree to pay him?’</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_174"></a>[174]</span></p> - -<p>“‘I agreed to pay him,’ says I, ‘a hundred -dollars per week.’</p> - -<p>“‘That’s bad,’ says the lawyer. ‘A hundred -dollars a week is fifty-two hundred per year, -which is about the interest at six per cent on -eighty-seven thousand dollars. You wouldn’t -like to pay forty-three or four thousand dollars -duty on him.’</p> - -<p>“‘I’d see him sent to Congress first!’ says I.</p> - -<p>“‘Very well,’ says the lawyer. ‘Then perhaps -we could classify him as machinery or -parts thereof. But you wouldn’t save much in -that way. You’d have to pay forty per cent -<i>ad valorem</i>, and very likely the appraisers -would say that you had undervalued the man, -and would value him at double what your contract -seems to say he is worth. They’re bound -to protect American machinery against the -pauper labor of Europe every time.’</p> - -<p>“‘How would it do to classify him as old -family plate?’ said I.</p> - -<p>“‘Worse and worse,’ said the lawyer. ‘He’d -have to pay sixty per cent, and you’d have a -good deal of difficulty in proving that he is old<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_175"></a>[175]</span> -family plate. Of course it could be done, but it -would probably cost you more than the whole -amount of the duty. They’re a perfectly honest -set of men, the appraisers, and they naturally -come high.’</p> - -<p>“‘What will I do, then?’ said I; ‘let him die -in the custom-house and then sue for damages?’</p> - -<p>“‘There might be something worth while -done in that way,’ says the lawyer, ‘but it -would be middling hard on the man. But I’ll -tell you what we can do. Didn’t you say that -the man was singing in a church choir when -you hired him?’</p> - -<p>“‘I did so,’ says I.</p> - -<p>“‘All right,’ says the lawyer. ‘We’ll classify -him as an “article used in the service of religion,” -and get him in free of any duty whatever. -You go and get him an engagement in a church -without an hour’s delay, and then come to me. -We’ll beat the custom-house this time, sure -enough.’</p> - -<p>“I got the man an engagement to sing for a -week in a Methodist meeting-house, and before -the week was out he was decided to be an<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_176"></a>[176]</span> -article used in the service of religion, and was -returned to me free of duty, and cursing the -head off of every officer in the revenue service. -The end of it was that my tenor claimed that -I had broken my contract by setting him to sing -in a church, and he sued me for damages, and -got them too. So you see, my young friend, -that a man may have trouble with the custom-house -who does not want to defraud the Government -out of anything, not even the duty on that -sealskin sack that I hear you have taken apart -and packed in a spare pair of boots.”</p> - -<p class="titlepage">THE END.</p> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TOLD BY THE COLONEL ***</div> -<div style='text-align:left'> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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