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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..06a6908 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #68820 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/68820) diff --git a/old/68820-0.txt b/old/68820-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index d1fe378..0000000 --- a/old/68820-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1713 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Ajax, for example, by W. C. Tuttle - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Ajax, for example - -Author: W. C. Tuttle - -Release Date: August 23, 2022 [eBook #68820] - -Language: English - -Produced by: Roger Frank and Sue Clark - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AJAX, FOR EXAMPLE *** - - - - - -Ajax, for Example - -by W. C. Tuttle - - -“Horse sense,” says “Magpie” Simpkins, “consists of knowing -something that no school-teacher could pound into your head with a -pile-driver. It’s a sort of an initiative and referendum that books -can’t tell you about, and if you ain’t got it, Ike, you might as -well get you a loaf of bread, a jug of wine and hide out in the -brush, where you won’t hamper folks with your idiocy. There was -Ajax, for example.” - -Magpie hooks his spurs into the top of the table and leans back in -his chair. He knows there ain’t no argument, but hopes I’ll find -one. I agrees with Magpie--for once. I’ll tell you why I agree with -him, and maybe you’ll agree with me. - -Me and you both know that there’s educated fools. If I can have my -choice I’ll take the fool that never got educated in preference to -one what absorbed everything he found in books, ’cause the educated -one can’t even crawl into a blanket without peering into a book to -see the definition of the word “crawl,” the proper uses of a -blanket, and the procedure according to precedent. - -Yessir, there was Ajax, for example. - -Me and Magpie are cooking breakfast in our cabin on Plenty Stone -Creek one Summer morning, when we hears footsteps approaching on -horseback. Magpie steps to the door with a pan of bacon in his hand -and peers outside. He takes one look and tries to scratch his head -with the pan, the same of which leaves our hog-meat on the floor. - -Then he looks back at me. - -“Ike, come here! It’s either a mistake or I’m mistaken.” - -I walks over and takes a look. Looks like one of Sam Holt’s -rat-tailed broncs, but the rider--whooee! I don’t blame Magpie for -dropping the bacon. I’d ’a’ dropped a stick of dynamite if I’d had -one. - -I’ll begin at the top and work on down. First we have a hat. She -looks like a cross between a ordinary hard hat and a campaign lid, -being as she’s sort of flat on the top. Under said hat cometh hair, -which seems to grow straight out. - -Then we have a pair of funeral-rimmed specs forking the longest, -skinniest nose I ever seen. I feels that it must blow about the same -note as the stopped-down E string on a fiddle. The chin of the -critter seems to be so long that the weight of it holds his mouth -open. - -We have with us now the neck. To speak like a poet I’d say that he -had the neck of a swan. Maybe not so graceful, but longer. His -shoulders shows a heap of neglect, and from there he just sort of -slopes off to his feet, which is some slope, if you asks me. - -Riding with his elbows has made his sleeves pull up almost to his -shoulders, and hanging on with his knees has pulled up the legs of -his pants until he’s setting on most of ’em. He ain’t anything for a -drinking man to look at--if he likes the taste of liquor. - -Me and Magpie stands there sort of weak-like and watches him search -his pockets. He ain’t said a word yet. The more pockets he searches -the less he seems to find. He grunts and reaches for his hip pocket, -the same of which seems to bend his legs backwards until his heels -catch in that bronc’s flanks. - -_Zowie!_ - -That rat-tailed bronc resents such familiarity, with the result that -said apparition lands setting down in our front yard while the -insulted bronc wends its way home. - -I plumb forgot to mention that this person carried a little valise -on the saddle-horn. Yes, it came off with him. - -He sets there on the chip-pile blinking like a old owl, and then he -produces an envelope from his hip pocket. Then he adjusts his specs -and peers up at us. - -“I beg your pardon,” says he. - -“You have it,” says Magpie. - -“You won’t catch that bronc this side of Piperock,” says I. “He’s -still throwing sand.” - -“Ah! Oh, the--er--equine? Ah! Unavoidable, I assure you.” - -“Setting as you were,” admits Magpie. “Good scheme to always watch a -bronc’s ears, old-timer.” - -“Pleasant pastime, I have no doubt,” he agrees. “Oh, quite -interesting. May I ask if either of you gentlemen is Mr. Simpson?” - -“Little high and to the right,” says Magpie. “I’m Simpkins.” - -“Ah, yes! Delighted, I assure you. My mistake.” - -He peers at the letter. - -“Very good indeed. Simpkins it is. I beg your pardon.” - -“You’re going to get splinters in you if you don’t get up,” states -Magpie. - -“Thank you very, very much,” says he, handing the letter to Magpie. - -“This is my--er--introductions, Mr. Simpson.” - -“S-i-m-p-k-i-n-s,” spells Magpie. - -“Ah, yes. Very simple.” - -“Yes,” says I. “Very.” - -Magpie opens the letter, and I reads it over his shoulder. - - My Dear Simpkins: - - The bearer, Professor Ajax Ulysses Green, B.A., F.H.S., - K.P., I.O.O.F., B.P.O.E., etc., etc., is desirous of - testing out some pet theory, and I am taking the liberty - of sending him to you, knowing that you and Ike will see - that he gets what is coming to him. Do with him as you - will--and I know you will. - - Professor Pettingill joins me in sending you our best - regards and hopes some day to see you again. Remember us - to Dirty Shirt Jones, and all the rest of the Pelicans - we met in the county of Yellow Rock. - - Very sincerely yours, - F. H. Middleton. - - P. S.--As Dirty Shirt says, “For ----’s sake, did you ever - see the like?” He really is considered a brilliant man, - and devoted to his work. Do as you see fit--but spare - him, as Pettingill and myself will not rest well until - he returns to Boston and tells of his experiences. - -“Professor Middleton is one of my dear, dear friends,” explains this -alphabetical person sweet-like. “He was primarily responsible for my -coming. You may thank him.” - -“My!” gasps Magpie. “I may, may I? Well, well! Come in, Ajax.” - -“I prefer to be known as Professor Green, if it is not too much -trouble,” says he stiff-like, but Magpie grins and says: - -“I’m Magpie; this is Ike. You’re Ajax. _Sabe?_” - -“Rather--er--personal, don’t you think?” - -“How’d you like Ulysses?” I asks. - -“No. If I have no choice in the matter I’d prefer Ajax.” - -“If I had my choice of weapons I’d take a pickax,” grins Magpie. -“Are you the hombre what discovered lightning?” - -“Oh, no! The original Ajax defied the lightning, don’t you know.” - -“He made a sucker play,” says I. “Maybe he didn’t _sabe_ -electricity.” - -Ajax refused to smoke a cigaret, so we gave him an old pipe that -“Polecat” Perkins left in our shack, but he didn’t seem to care for -it. - -“Now,” says Magpie, “we’d admire to hear what you came here for.” - - * * * * * - -Ajax crosses his legs, adjusts his glasses and clears his throat. -It’s some job to clear a throat like his. The best way, I reckon, -would be to drop in a can of nitroglycerin like they do in -oil-wells. - -“I am here,” says he, rubbing his hands together, “to study the -effects of astragalas splendens on the genus Ovius.” - -Me and Magpie looks at each other and then at Ajax. - -“It is very interesting, don’t you think?” asks Ajax. - -Magpie walks over to the stove and begins to cut more bacon. After -he gets it on the stove he turns to Ajax. - -“What do you drink for breakfast?” - -“Rarely anything, I thank you.” - -“You ought to take something,” says I. - -“Well, if I should, I prefer a beverage of _thea sinensis_.” - -“My ----!” grunts Magpie. “We’re all out of that. Ike, I told you to -get us some the last time you was in Piperock.” - -“It is not necessary at all,” says Ajax. - -“I know it ain’t,” agrees Magpie, “but I’d sure like to know what in ----- it is.” - -Ajax drank water. Later on me and Magpie got his dictionary and -looked up everything that human beings drink, and we found that that -danged word-strangler wanted tea. - -He don’t _sabe_ Blackfeet, Flathead or Chinook, and won’t talk -United States. We can’t understand his wau-wau; so we can see that -eventually some of us are going to be badly misunderstood. - -If it hadn’t been for Professor Middleton we’d have lured Ajax to a -tall place in the trail and shoved him off. He wasn’t even funny. - -If you poked a gun under his nose he wouldn’t have horse sense -enough to hold up his hands. No, I’ll be danged if he would! He’d -likely smell into the muzzle, look it over careful-like and then -classify it in a language that nobody in Yaller Rock County could -interpret. - -After breakfast he says-- - -“I will rest today if you don’t mind.” - -“Rest in peace,” says Magpie. “Take root if you must, but for the -love of Moses try and bend your back and be sociable. You don’t -smoke, and if you did swear in your own little way nobody’d -understand you. Do you drink?” - -“_Spiritus frumenti?_” - -“Go to ----! Next time I says good morning to you, Ajax, it will be -in sign language. I’m through talking to you, that’s a cinch.” - -“I will not consider it obligatory,” says he lofty-like, and I just -grabs Magpie’s hand in time. - -“Don’t hold the hand of progress, Ike,” says Magpie. “Can you figure -out one good reason why I shouldn’t kill him?” - -“Except that we don’t know exactly where to ship his remains. He’s -from Boston, Magpie, but it ain’t like saying, ‘He’s from Piperock.’ -You’ve got to figure that Boston covers considerable space, and -until we finds out his home address we better let him suffer. -_Sabe?_” - -“Where is your home, Ajax?” asks Magpie. - -“Home? The habitual abode of one’s family?” - -I lets loose of Magpie’s hand and reached for my own gun, but the -coming of Dirty Shirt Jones saves me from killing a fool-hen out of -season. Dirty slides off his bronc and nods to us. Then he sees -Ajax. He peers at Ajax for a minute and then gets right back on his -bronc. - -“Get off and rest your feet, Dirty,” says I, but Dirty only stares -at Ajax and shakes his head. - -Dirty shakes his head like a bee was buzzing around his ear. He -shuts his eyes, shakes his head hard, and looks again. - -“My!” says he awed-like. “I’ve seen a lot of things in my life. I’ve -seen a tarantaler waltzing with a angle-worm, I have. I’ve seen a -little green devil riding a Gila monster in a race against a horned -toad which was ridden by me, but I’ve always been able to shake ’em -loose for a minute. This’n I can’t!” - -“I am Professor Ajax Ulysses Green,” says Ajax stiff-like. “It is -extremely embarrassing when one’s friends forget the--I--er--it -places me in a position wherein I am forced to introduce myself to -one whom my acquaintances greet as one of their own kind. -Embarrassing, I assure you.” - -“Ex-cuse me,” says Magpie. “Ajax, let me make you used to Dirty -Shirt. Dirty, this here is Ajax.” - -“Name’s familiar,” says Dirty, scratching his head. “Oh, yes! -‘Boiled Egg’ Benson had a jassack by that name. I wondered who he -named it after and why he used to kick it in the ribs all the time. -Poor mule!” - -“Maybe Dirty Shirt could help you, Ajax. He’s seen about all there -is in this country.” - -“Possibly,” agrees Ajax. “I’d be grateful to a startling degree.” - -And then he turns to Dirty. - -“I am out here, sir, to study the effects of astragalas splendens on -the genus Ovius.” - -Dirty spits out his cigaret and clamps his jaws hard. - -“Before you do anything, Dirty, appeal to your better nature,” says -I. - -“What do you think, Dirty?” asks Magpie. - -“Think?” - -Dirty swings his bronc around and talks to us over his shoulder. - -“I think you three has had all the fun you’re going to out of me. I -don’t know what it means, but you can all go to ---- as far as I’m -concerned.” - -We watches him ride off down the road. - -“Is he--er--entirely sane?” asks Ajax, watching Dirty disappear. - -“Not now,” says Magpie. “A human being can only stand so much. He -got bit by a hipwiggler the other night.” - -“Ah! Quite interesting.” - -And he writes something in his little book. - -Ajax wanted to rest that day, so we didn’t bother him none. It gave -us a chance to control our natural impulses to kill him, and also -gave us a chance to do a little placer work. - -I asks Magpie that night if we’re supposed to give up our bunk to -Ajax, but Magpie gives me one look which is plenty of answers. -Anyway Ajax didn’t desire it. - -“Professor Middleton told me of the wonders of sleeping under the -glorious firmament,” says Ajax, “and I desire to experience it as he -described.” - -“Fairly well ventilated,” says Magpie. “Nice enough unless she rains -or a hipwiggler comes along.” - -“Who is ‘she,’ and what is a hipwiggler, if I may ask?” - -“She?” - -Magpie smooths his mustache and scowls at the ground. - -“Oh, yes; the hipwiggler. The hipwiggler is a animal. If one comes -along and finds you sleeping on the ground it just plumb ruins you -for future use. You’re dead--that’s about all.” - -“Your--er--friend you spoke about,” says Ajax. “Was he sleeping -on----” - -“Uh-huh. A log saved his life. It’s thisaway, Ajax: A hipwiggler is -a queer animal. It always prospects a man from his head down to his -toes. It gets to the end of you and then starts eating its way back. -_Sabe?_ - -“Dirty Shirt went to sleep with his feet on a log. The hipwiggler -comes along, walks to where it strikes the ground and then starts -eating. It ain’t got no _sabe_--not a bit. This one didn’t _sabe_ -that Dirty had his feet on a log; so it went to the end of the log -and starts eating. Logs ain’t noways digestible, so it got disgusted -and left Dirty alone.” - -Ajax took it all in and then gets inquisitive. - -“Could I procure a specimen?” - -“Nope. They only sleep between twelve and one o’clock, and nobody -knows where they hole up. To catch one any other time you’ve got to -take a sack in your hands, stand on the stump of a persimmon-tree -and make a noise like a loofmad.” - -“Oh, I see. Quite complicated. More of this later, as I am -interested.” - -“You deserve to be,” says I. “If it wasn’t for Middleton----” - -“Ah, yes. I am deeply indebted to Middleton, the dear fellow. I -shall mention him in my monograph.” - -“Do it,” urges Magpie. “I’ll do the same--in my prayers.” - -“I--I feel that I am going to make some wonderful discoveries out -here.” - -“Well,” says Magpie, “that remains to be seen, as the feller said -when he dug into the Injun’s grave.” - - * * * * * - -Ajax gets a little skittish about sleeping outdoors, so he rolls up -in a blanket on the floor. Me and Magpie are heavy sleepers, but he -woke us up in the night. We sets up in bed and listens to him. He’s -making a lot of noise like he was trying to move the cabin. - -Magpie is just getting up to see what the trouble is when Ajax comes -in, grunting and wheezing. Comes a big bump on the floor, a deep -sigh from Ajax, and then everything is still again; so we goes to -sleep. - -In the morning Magpie kicks me in the ribs, and I sets up in bed. -There is Ajax laying on the floor with his bare legs bent up over a -section of pine log about thirty inches in diameter. Magpie snorts -right out, and Ajax sets up. - -He looks all around the cabin and then reaches for his pants. - -“I thank you for the information, my dear Mr. Simpson,” says he. “I -feel that the section of the genus Pinus was the means of saving my -life. Several times after securing it I felt the deadly hipwiggler -travel my entire length, only to fall off the log in surprize. It -was a sensation I can not wish for again, but one I feel fortunate -to have experienced. I thank you for your timely advice.” - -Magpie smoothed his mustache and stared at me and we both danged -near choked. Ajax sure offered himself as a highway for pack-rats -that night. - -Then cometh Judge Steele. He’s the educatedest hombre in the county. -If there’s anything he don’t know he won’t admit it. He owns -half-interest in a claim up the creek, and is on his way up there -with a pack-load of grub for his pardner. - -We asks him in to breakfast ’cause you never can tell when you’ll -need the friendship of a judge. - -“Good morning,” says he to me and Magpie, and then he sees Ajax. - -“Good gosh!” - -“Howdy, judge,” says Magpie. “Set in on the bacon.” - -“Ah!” says Ajax. “A judge. Are you an LL.B.?” - -“Nope. Missourian and a stanch Republican.” - -“Ah! It is refreshing to meet an educated man in the wilds. Where -did you matriculate, may I ask?” - -“Where did I what?” - -“Matriculate.” - -“I’m on my way to my mine, and I started from Piperock, if it’s -anybody’s danged business.” - -And then he turns to Magpie. - -“Friend of yours?” - -“Liability, judge. He’s trailing something that ain’t here nor never -was.” - -“Huh! What’s he after?” - -“You tell him, Ajax. Something about strangling the----” - -“It is not a subject to cause levity,” chides Ajax. “Is there any -reason why I should not come here to study the effects of astragalas -splendens on the genus Ovius?” - -The judge stands up to drink his coffee and then goes out to his -horses. - -“What do you think, judge?” I asks. - -He picks up the lead rope of his pack-horse and ponders the -question. - -“Ike, I hate to give out a judicial reply as I might be called upon -to render a decision from the bench, but I’ll say this much: Any -jury in Yaller Rock County would convict him without leaving their -seats.” - -He gets on his horse and pilgrims off up the trail. - -“How quaint,” grins Ajax. “Is he really a presiding judge or did he -simply acquire the title as many Westerners are reputed to have?” - -“I believe he is,” says Magpie. “Danged if I don’t believe he is.” - -“Is what?” asks Ajax. - -“Right.” - -“Ah, no doubt,” agrees Ajax foolish-like, and we let the matter -rest. - -Ajax puttered around for a while and then came to us. - -“May I--er--have a piece of rope? Three yards will be sufficient.” - -“Plenty,” agrees Magpie pleased-like. - -“You know how to tie the proper kind of a knot?” - -“I-- Perhaps not, but----” - -“The pleasure is all mine,” says Magpie. - -Ajax looks the knot over interested-like. - -“Beg pardon, but will you tell me why you wound the rope around so -many times?” - -“Thirteen times,” says Magpie. “Any sheriff knows how. Now, do you -want us to elevate the wagon-tongue or do you prefer a limb?” - -Ajax’s mouth hangs open for a full minute, and then he seems to -catch the point. - -“He, he, he! You--you thought perhaps I wanted to make a--er--a -swing, I believe they call them. You were spoofing me, I fear. No, I -thank you.” - -And he wandered away across the hills alone. - -“Ike,” says Magpie; “were you spoofing? A swing! My ----!” - -We worked for a while but can’t seem to get Ajax out of our minds. - -The blamed fool might get lost or bit by a snake. Sidewinders don’t -respect education. After a while Magpie says: - -“Ike, if it wasn’t for Middleton I’d let the blamed fool sink or -swim, survive or perish, but I’d hate to rob Middleton of a chance -to hear Ajax tell his experiences. Reckon we better pesticate around -a little and see where he went. I’d admire to find out what he’s -after.” - -“He said it was the effects of--” I began, but Magpie looked at me -with his sweet smile and I shut up. - - * * * * * - -Ajax pointed almost due south, but we figured he’d bear a little to -the west, so we cut across. We’re pilgriming down into a draw at the -head of a little fork of Medicine Creek when all to once we busts -into a clearing, and Magpie stops. - -I bumped into him, and then looked over his shoulder. There is -“Doleful” Doolittle, who herds sheep when he’s sober enough, and -standing in front of him is Ajax. - -Them hombres sure show signs of rough usage. Ajax’s hat is smashed -down over his nose, and he’s looking out from between the crown and -the brim. His coat is split up the back, and his long legs wabble a -heap. - -Doleful has lost one sleeve and his belt, the same of which causes -him to hang on to his pants, so they won’t come down and trip him. -If Doleful had twice as much sense he’d be almost half-witted. - -“Hear me?” yelps Doleful, shaking his one free hand at Ajax. “I’m -tellin’ you hereby that I’m aimin’ to show you, feller!” - -“Very ungrammatical, to say the least,” pants Ajax. “Now I wish you -to desist. Fisticuffs are a relic of----” - -“I _sabe_,” says Doleful, spitting on his hands. “Set yourself, -feller, ’cause I’m coming wide open like a wolf!” - -_Boof!_ - -Doleful takes a skip and a jump and lands on Ajax’s bosom, and they -both went into the alkali. It was some fight. They’re both yelling -for help in about ten seconds, and then they gets to their feet. - -“You long-faced son-of-a-sea-cook, you bited me!” howls Doleful, -rubbing his ear. - -“It was--uh--but fighting the dud-devil with fuf-fire,” wheezes -Ajax. “You masticated my e-ear, friend.” - -“Friend?” yells Doleful. “Don’t you call me friend! I hate ---- out -of you, by ginger! Hold fast, ’cause I’m coming to visit you again!” - -Ajax sidestepped this time, and when Doleful stumbled over his legs -Ajax fell on top of him. Man, they sure investigated each other. -Doleful kicked, whooped and yelped and managed to squirm loose, -minus one boot, which Ajax has annexed. - -For a minute Ajax seems to show human intelligence by hammering -Doleful over the head with the boot. Doleful wails loud and clear -and hops away a few feet, where he takes off the other boot and -comes back at Ajax. - -“God didn’t make men equal but boots did,” says Magpie, and then -them two are at it again. - -It was some duel if you asks me, and before they’re at it a minute -me and Magpie are weeping on each other’s bosom. They never seen us. -In fact they hadn’t been at it a minute until they couldn’t see each -other. - -Pretty soon Doleful makes a wild swing, and the heel of that boot -hit Ajax at the butt of his ear. That was plenty for Ajax, who -sprawls on his face in the dirt, but Doleful didn’t know it. He kept -right on, hopping back and forth, whaling away with that boot at -something that ain’t there. - -“Look at the danged fool!” gasps Magpie. “He can’t see!” - -Just then Doleful makes an extra hard swing, his foot slipped, and -the toe of that boot hit him under the chin. He straightens up, -shrugs his shoulders like a Frenchman and then falls flat on his -back--knocked out, or rather kicked out. - -“Honest to ---- that never happened,” sobs Magpie. “Aw, it couldn’t! -He hit himself in the-- Haw, haw, haw!” - -I haw-haws with him, and we cries a duet. - -Pretty soon Doleful gets to his feet, walks around in a circle and -appears to be listening. Then Ajax coughs and sets up. - -“I’ve had a gosh-darn plenty,” states Doleful in a whisper. “Hear -me?” - -“I’m sorry,” says Ajax. - -“You danged hog!” wails Doleful. “I know when I’ve had a plenty. -Where is my boots?” - -Ajax feels of his ear like he half-expected to find the boot in -there, but when he don’t find it he shakes his head. - -“I don’t know, I’m sure.” - -“I’m going,” states Doleful. “My gosh, it’s dark today! I can just -see enough to miss hittin’ trees, and that’s about all. Where are -you?” - -“T fear I’m not able to give you concise information on the -subject,” says Ajax painful-like, “because I am not aware of my -exact position. If it will enlighten you to any extent I will say -this much; I am on the ground.” - -“Then you stay there,” advises Doleful. “If I step on you don’t get -sore, ’cause I don’t mean nothing but good-by. _Sabe?_” - -Doleful stumbles across Ajax’s feet and goes weaving off through the -mesquite, hanging on to his pants and picking up cactus in his feet. -Then Ajax gets to his feet and peers around. His specs are still -hanging around his neck, and he tries to put ’em on. He’s been -booted across the bridge of his nose, the same of which makes his -specs feel like his nose was in a vise. - -He yanks ’em off, and then begins to search his pockets. After a -while he finds what he’s looking for. Then he feels his way over to -a rock, where he gets interested in looking at something--or trying -to. We sneaked over and took a look. He’s got a compass on the rock, -and is talking to himself. - -“Unless I am greatly mistaken I traveled due south. Due north would -take me--uh-- Now would it? Which way did I pursue the Ovius? Well, -no matter, as I can not see the compass, therefore I am lost. -Perhaps my shadow will inform me of the position of the sun, and by -taking the time of day----” - -He turns and peers at the ground. - -“Futile,” he mutters. “There is no shadow. No matter, as my watch is -not running. Still I am lost. Not knowing the proper procedure in -such a case, I will endeavor to remain stationary until such a time -as I may regain the use of my optic nerves. I will think of a -remedy.” - -“Raw beefsteak is hyiu stuff,” suggests Magpie. “Ever try it?” - -Ajax almost hopped out of his shoes. He peers at us, and then: - -“Ah! Raw steak? I greatly prefer mine medium, _en casserole_.” - -“It’s no use, Ike,” sighs Magpie. “I had hopes that he’d been hit so -hard that he’d talk our language, but I’m a poor guesser. You take -one side, Ike, and I’ll take the other.” - - * * * * * - -Ajax led like a old pack-horse and didn’t have much to say. We asked -him why he was sore at Doleful, and he said the idea was absurd. We -tied some raw meat over his eyes, and by supper-time he was able to -feel the difference between a knife and a fork. - -“Maybe some day you _hombres_ will stay in the East where you -belong,” says Magpie disgusted-like. “You sure gallop in where -natives fear to sneak.” - -“We scientists must suffer that the masses be informed,” explains -Ajax. - -“You ain’t going to get a lot of publicity by fighting a boot duel -with a half-witted herder,” says I. - -“It was no violence of my making, I assure you, Mr. Harper. I was -chasing the elusive Ovius when this vulgar person came between us. -He used very insulting adjectives--very! My lips could never repeat -the strange things he said. Naturally I resented. I descended to the -level of a brute, and fought as my ancestors fought.” - -“I’ve heard of boot-leggers,” says Magpie, “but you must ’a’ sprung -from a family of boot-fighters, Ajax. Did you hit him first?” - -“I did not. Nor second or third. In fact he pummeled me for some -time before I seemed to grasp his intentions, and then I -retaliated.” - -“You ought to carry a boot,” advises Magpie. “Feller like you ought -to go heeled all the time. What do you aim to do next?” - -“Next?” - -Ajax rubs his sore eyes and looks up at Magpie. - -“I shall certainly persevere until I have observed fully the effects -of astragalas splendens upon the----” - -But me and Magpie went out and left him talking to himself. - -We helped Ajax bring in his foot-rest that night and watched him go -to bed with his feet thirty inches higher than his head. He’s so -all-in that he never felt the pack-rats that night, and the next -morning he’s a sorry-looking hunk of scientific humanity. - -His clothes are about seven-eighths to the sere and yaller leaf. His -valise don’t contain nothing but a book, some papers and a box of -pills. Magpie looks him over from all angles. - -“Somebody will kill you, Ajax, if you dress thataway,” says Magpie. -“In memory of Professor Middleton me and Ike will have to dress you -civilized-like, I reckon.” - -We got him into an old pair of boots, one of my shirts and an old -sombrero of Magpie’s. He looks like ----, but he don’t know it. Then -he wants another length of rope. - -“You going back to the same place?” I asks. - -He considers it a moment, and shakes his head. - -“I don’t believe I will. That vulgar person might accost me again, -and I have no time to waste in combat. I will try in another -direction, if it makes no particular difference.” - -“Me and Ike are neutral,” says Magpie. - -“If you’d tell us just about what in ---- you’re hunting for, maybe -we’d advise you.” - -“Oh, thank you. You see I wish to observe the effects of -astragala----” - -“You’re welcome!” yelps Magpie. “Go ahead, and may you die in your -boots.” - -“I fear that is impossible,” says Ajax. “The boots belong to you.” - -“Happy birthday!” yelps Magpie. “They’re yours, Ajax. Go to it.” - -“I will do my best, sir,” says he, and we watches him going over the -hills, dragging his rope behind him. - -“Just plain crazy, Ike,” declares Magpie. “Plain crazy.” - -“Not Ajax,” says I. “Nossir! That feller is plumb fancy crazy. He’s -gilt-edged, perfumed and embroidered, Magpie. He knows a million -dollars’ worth of things that won’t never do him any good--things -that other fellers like him have found out; and now he’s out here to -find out something to pass on to them. It won’t never do him nor -anybody else any good--but they’ll be glad.” - - * * * * * - -We knocked off work late in the afternoon. I laid down on the bunk -while Magpie fixes a kettle of beans. He’s standing in the door of -the cabin, pouring the water off them beans, when all to once there -comes a hunk of lead, knocks the kettle out of Magpie’s hand, and -hives up in the foot of our bunk. Then comes the crack of a rifle. - -I sees Magpie elevate his hands, and I slips loose my six-shooter. -Then here comes “Mighty” Jones, covering Magpie with a rifle. - -Mighty owns the only herd of goats in the county, and each and every -one of them shaggy things is nitroglycerin on legs. I figures that -Mighty has gone crazy from herding same, so when he turns sideways -to me I slams a .45 slug into the loading-plate of his rifle. - -That slug seems to cause consternation, being as it explodes some of -Mighty’s magazine, and when a magazine full of 45-70s begin to heave -and surge, it’s no place for a timid person. - -Magpie turns a flip-flop into the cabin, and Mighty tries to dig -himself into our chip-pile. I pilgrims out there and looks at -Mighty. - -“Why for the hands-up stuff, Mighty?” I asks. “You peeved?” - -“You dang well know I am! You know why, too--blast you! I only seen -one of you, but you two are pardners, and--I’ll see you in jail. I’m -going to get the sheriff, me!” - -“Plain crazy, Ike,” says Magpie sad-like. “Plain crazy.” - -“Very plain,” I agrees. - -“I’ll see you both in jail--betcher life!” wails Mighty. “Sure -will.” - -“Better see a eye doctor, Mighty,” advises Magpie. “You’re seeing -things.” - -“You’ll see something--dang you both!” - -And Mighty fogs off down the trail. - -“Poor old coot,” says Magpie. “Can’t help feeling sorry for him, -Ike.” - -“Uh-huh. He was a good old buggy but he’s done broke down.” - -“No question about the buggy part, Ike.” - -We fixed up our pot of beans and wondered where Ajax is. We ate -supper and wondered some more about Ajax. - -Then cometh Lindhardt Cadwallader Sims, knowed as “Scenery.” We -always figured that Scenery was sheriff by default, being as two of -Magpie’s friends forgot to vote, and Scenery won by one vote. He’s -about knee-high to a he-human, and has darned near polished all the -epitaph off his star in six months. He squeaks when he walks and -squeaks when he talks, which makes him a pathetic person among his -feller men. - -The danged little imitation has a six-gun in his hand when he shows -up in our doorway. He peers at us mean-like and clears his throat. -I’m just about to pour some beans into my plate, but I takes one -look at his gun and swings back with that kettle and let her fly. It -was a good shot. She just turns over once and hit him right in the -chin. - -He staggers backward, drops his gun and begins to claw at them -beans. Sudden-like he remembers his gun and goes pawing around for -it. I swings the door about half-shut when I hears a biff and a -grunt, and Scenery Sims comes into that door on his hands and knees. -He hops to his feet fighting mad, and squeaks like a bull fiddle: - -“You assassinators is all under arrest! Hear me? You can’t monkey -with no officer of the peace thataway and get away with it. Magpie, -you daw-gonned, long-whiskered----” - -Magpie stopped his yelps by picking him up and throwing him out of -the door. Scenery was just sailing out as Ajax starts to come in, -and they met. When an irresistible jackass meets an immovable -educated fool there is something going on. - -Them two misfits of the human race went into a clinch and hugged -each other like long-lost brothers. They got up fighting blind, went -into another clinch and rolled under Scenery’s bronc. - -For a few seconds there ain’t nothing but hoofs, boots and dust to -be seen. Then it gets too warm for a buzzard-headed bronc, and said -animal leaves its master to fate and an educated fool. - -Ajax was a lot stronger than he looked. He squirmed loose, grabs the -sheriff by the neck and the seat of the pants and cast him far away. - -Poor Scenery! He rolls over a few times and staggers to his feet. He -whales away with both fists at nothing, crosses his feet and falls -down again. - -Then he gets up and starts off down the road. He walks a few steps -and then runs a few. Then he does it all over again, like he was -expecting a kick in the rear every time he steps. - -Ajax has set down on the ground and is trying to dig the alkali out -of his mouth and eyes. He sure is a sight. Me and Magpie walks over -to him, and Magpie says-- - -“Say, professor, we’d admire to know if it was you who knocked -Scenery into our cabin.” - -“Scenery?” - -He peers up at us and then blinks shut again. - -“The general aspect, as regards variety or beauty, or the reverse, -of a landscape?” - -“My ----!” says I. “He asked you in a lady-like manner: Who knocked -Scenery into our cabin? The man you fought. _Sabe?_” - -“The--the man I fought?” stutters Ajax. “Did I--I fight a man?” - -“Say,” says Magpie, “did you get hit so hard that you don’t _sabe_ -things? What did you think you was mopping the earth with?” - -“I--er--really----” Ajax mops some more dirt out of his features and -peers around-- “I--er--suppose I must take your unsupported word for -it, but I--I thought at the time that I was being attacked by a -specimen of the genus Ovius.” - -Magpie kicks the empty bean-kettle into the cabin, and me and him -follers it inside. Pretty soon Ajax looks in. He peers all around -and then begins to search outside. - -Me and Magpie went out there and looked around, too. Then Ajax -starts circling the cabin, and me and Magpie follered him like a -pair of bird-dog pups follering an old dog, but we don’t find -anything. Pretty soon Ajax sighs deep-like. - -“Well, it isn’t here, it seems.” - -“Maybe you lost it some other place,” suggests Magpie. - -“No. I had it when I arrived.” - -“----!” grunts Magpie. “What was it, Ajax?” - -“The--er--specimen of the genus Ovius.” - -I grabs Magpie just in time. Ajax never did know how close he -skidded to the graveyard that time. Magpie was so mad that he -wouldn’t come into the cabin while I throws a feed into Ajax. - -“There should be a drastic legislation against the careless use of -firearms,” states Ajax. “Would you believe it--” he pokes a fork at -me like he was trying to see if I was done--“some careless person, -evidently shooting at random, nearly struck me? I was a little south -of here, returning with my specimen, when I detected a singing noise -past my ear. Immediately following came the report of a firearm. - -“In endeavoring to ascertain the location of the miscreant I became -entangled with my specimen, and luckily we fell into a depression -behind an outcropping of granite formation. Luckily the depression -was filled with a thick growth of mimosaceous shrub, which screened -us from view. - -“I feel sure that the target was located upon or near that granite -outcropping, because in a few minutes I could hear the marksman -carrying on a conversation like this, omitting the vulgarity, of -course: - -“‘Pshaw! Missed entirely!’ - -“And then he seemed heartily ashamed of himself, as he said: - -“‘Too bad! I should have had higher aspirations.’ - -“The last may not be correct, but at any rate he mentioned something -about holding higher, which amounts to the same.” - -“Yes,” says I; “he was careless, Ajax. I feel sorry for him.” - -“Perhaps I should have extended my sympathy,” says Ajax. -“But--er--really I was in no position to think of the niceties of -social custom.” - -“What was you doing all this time?” asks Magpie from the doorway. - -“I--er--I was trying to preserve my hold upon the Ovius.” - - * * * * * - -I seen Magpie walk out about fifty feet, throw his hat on the ground -and hop up and down on it. This Ovius is getting under his hide. - -“I will persevere,” says Ajax determined-like. “I must persevere.” - -“All right, Percy,” says I. “Don’t let us stop you.” - -Me and Magpie talked things over, but we can’t figure it out. - -“That’s the ---- of it, Ike,” says Magpie. “If Ajax was a human -being he could tell us what he’s after, but education has plumb -ruined him for conversation. I reckon we’ve got to give him plenty -of rope, and he’ll hang up some place.” - -“He’s used up enough rope to hang all the rustlers in Montana,” says -I. “He had one specimen, Magpie, but somebody shot at him----” - -“Rotten shooting!” snorts Magpie. “There is such things as mob law, -and if he don’t give us a chance to see what he’s after I’m going to -turn myself into a mob and make him talk something we can _sabe_. - -“What in ---- is a Ovius? As far as I can remember there ain’t never -been one seen here. None of the old-timers has ever spoke of any -such a thing, Ike. There ain’t nothing in the Injun language that -sounds like it.” - -“Well,” says I, “what is astragalas splendens?” - -“There you are!” - -Magpie waves his arms and walks in a circle. - -“There you are, Ike. Both of us holds a blank hand, so we just -splits the pot. I reckon I’ll likely kill Ajax tomorrow.” - -“And never find out what he’s after?” - -“There are things better left unknown, Ike. Let’s go to bed before -we mention something that we can’t explain.” - -Ajax is writing in his little book by the light of a candle, and -when we come in he stops. - -“Pardon me,” says he to Magpie. “Has anything ever been written -regarding the hipwiggler?” - -“Nun-not that I knows about. It ain’t what you’d call popular.” - -He thinks it over for a while, and then he sort of says to himself: - -“It could be named after me. What an honor!” - -“Yes’m,” admits Magpie. “You can be a father to it if you want to.” - -“If I could only secure a specimen!” he wails. “I must! I will!” - -He hops off his seat and walks up and down the cabin. - -“You spoke of something about securing one by making a noise like -a--a----” - -“Loofmad?” asks Magpie. - -“Exactly. A loofmad. Is it a--er--difficult sound to make?” - -“Nope. Easy for lots of folks.” - -“Would you mind giving me a demonstration?” - -“Not me. I did once, and I almost got killed.” - -“Ah! Is it dangerous?” - -“It is and it ain’t. You’d be safe, Ajax.” - -“Will you teach me?” - -Ajax stops in front of Magpie and holds out his hands like Magpie -had something to give him. - -“Teach you? Man, you’re born to it. No, I can’t tell you how to do -it, but the proper note is in your voice every little while, only -you don’t know it.” - -“Is it a gift?” asks Ajax. - -“Merry Christmas!” explodes Magpie. “If it is I hope nobody knows -when my birthday is, and that Sandy Claws goes blind.” - -“Interesting but vague,” says Ajax, and goes back to his book. - -Yes, Ajax slept with his feet in the air again. - -Me and Magpie talks over the events of the day, but we can’t figure -it out. We can’t figure why Mighty wishes to hold us up, and why he -sends Scenery up there with blood in his eye. We asks Ajax the next -morning if he’s done anything wrong, but he shakes his head. - -“I never have done anything wrong,” says he. - -“This is a great little country to establish a precedent,” says -Magpie. “A herder of goats comes here yesterday and shoots a -bean-pot out of my hands. Later on the sheriff comes up--but you -know that. Do you know why they comes here?” - -“I haven’t an idea.” - -“I know you ain’t, but I thought maybe you had a hunch.” - -Ajax got himself a rope this time. He hunted around until he found -an old sack, and then he sets down to look in his little book. - -“Today,” says he, “I am going to make a supreme effort to secure -valuable data, and I wish to ask a few questions. Is the hipwiggler -a vegetarian or of the carnivora, and what is its habitat?” - -“The hipwiggler,” says Magpie, “eats anything and is fond of -children. It is of the hootchie-kootchie family. Hootchie, meaning -hip, and kootchie, meaning to wiggle. The great difference between -it and anything else is in its shape, size, actions, color and -odor.” - -“Hootchie-kootchie?” asks Ajax. “Is that--er--an Indian word?” - -“Uh-huh. The Camelpunchers.” - -“Has the hipwiggler a distinctive odor?” - -“You dang well know it has. You look for something that you never -seen nor smelled before. _Sabe?_ Catch it and bring it here, and if -it ain’t a hipwiggler we’ll tell you.” - -“I see. We will have an elimination proceedings.” - -“Somebody will be, that’s a cinch,” grins Magpie. - -Ajax tightens the rope around his waist, picks up his sack and faces -the east. - -“I gird up my loins and fare forth. Today I will complete my quest. -I bid you good morning, gentlemen.” - -We watches the blamed fool pilgrim across the hills. - -“You’ve got to admire him for sticking,” says I, but Magpie snorts: - -“Yeah? Might as well give three cheers for a cactus, Ike.” - - * * * * * - -“Doughgod” Smith comes past about dinner-time and stops to smoke a -cigaret. - -“Seen a posse today,” grins Doughgod. “Some bunch. Scenery Sims, -Mighty Jones and Doleful Doolittle. Put them three on a two-by-four -island and they couldn’t find each other.” - -“Where did you see ’em, Doughgod?” asks Magpie. - -“They left town about an hour before I started. Pointed towards -Mighty’s place.” - -Doughgod rode on, and me and Magpie ponders things. That’s some -posse to go after anybody. Pretty soon Magpie sniffs the air. I -sniff a little too, and then we hear Scenery Sims’ squeaky voice. - -“Halt! You darn fool--halt!” - -We steps around the corner of the cabin and sees a queer sight. In -the middle of the trail stands Ajax. Standing between his long legs -is a goat--a sick-looking goat. - -Ajax has got the sack over his shoulder, and when he sees us he -swings it to the ground. - -Above him on the hill is Scenery with a rifle in his hands, and -about sixty feet behind Ajax is Mighty, hanging on to his nose. -Below Ajax, standing on the side of the hill with a rock in each -hand, is Doleful. - -“Stand still, dog-gone you!” squeaks Scenery. “You’re under arrest!” - -“It is all very peculiar,” says Ajax sick-like. “I don’t know what -it all means, and I----” - -Ajax picks up his sack and starts for us. - -“Stop him, Magpie!” yelps Scenery. “Shoot the darn fool!” - -Ajax stops and looks foolish. - -“Will somebody explain things?” asks Magpie, holding his nose. - -“He’s a thief,” says Scenery. “Caught with the goods, too. He stole -thet goat from Mighty Jones.” - -“Well,” says I, “why don’t you arrest him, Scenery? He ain’t -heeled.” - -“Not me! I don’t want him.” - -“I demand his arrest!” yelps Mighty. - -“Shut up, Mighty!” squeaks Scenery. “He’s been arrested five -minutes; ain’t you, feller?” - -“You mentioned such a proceeding,” admits Ajax. - -“The law is satisfied.” - -“What you got in the sack, Ajax?” I yells. - -“I am not sure, but I think it is a hipwiggler.” - -“He tried to steal my sheep,” stated Doleful. “He assaulted me -and----” - -“Hipwiggler ----!” snorts Mighty. “He’s got a polecat in that sack. -Him and that goat are inoculated against any smell from now on and -forever. Amen.” - -Ajax stands there and looks foolish. He can’t smell nothing. There -is such a thing as getting too much. The goat swallers hard and -leans against Ajax. I feel sorry for the goat. - -“Well,” says Magpie. “you might as well take your goat, Mighty.” - -“Not me!” yells Mighty. “I’m off that goat forever.” - -“Well, it’s sort of a deadlock,” says I. “Ajax is arrested in name -only and the owner of the stolen property refuses to take it back.” - -Just then Judge Steele rides in from the mine. We explains things to -him, and he looks wise. - -“Clean case against him, judge,” states Scenery. “He’s got the goods -on him.” - -“Think I can’t smell?” snorts the judge. “This is an open-air case.” - -He pounds on his saddle-horn. - -“Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! This honorable court is doing business. -The prisoner will stay where he is. Are you guilty or not guilty?” - -“I have no idea,” says Ajax weary-like. - -“Prisoner, does that goat belong to Mighty Jones?” - -“I have no idea.” - -“Call it and see if it comes to you, Mighty,” suggests Magpie. - -“Like ----!” - -“Let the goat loose and see who it goes to,” suggests the judge. - -“Whoa!” yelps Mighty. “Don’t do that! I don’t know how he ever got -the rope on it, but I do know it’s the champion butter of the world. -You stick with it, feller, and get time off for good behavior.” - -“This is the same one I had yesterday,” states Ajax. “It--er--struck -the sheriff, I believe.” - -“Haw! haw! haw!” whoops Magpie. “It upset our sheriff something -awful.” - -We considers things for a while, and then the judge says: - -“According to my own reckoning there ain’t nothing to be done, but I -has to pass an opinion. Being as the prisoner, smelling as he does, -is of no value to the prosecution, and the plaintiff refuses to take -back his alleged property, I adjudicates thusly: - -“The prisoner will be banished on his own recognizance. Feller, you -better go away off some place. _Sabe?_ Take your clothes and burn -’em and jump in the river or vicy versy. Given under my hand and -seal this fifth day of August in the year of our Lord, and the -County of Yaller Rock. - -“Now I’d admire why a freak like that does things like he’s done?” - -“I was desirous of observing the effects of astragalas splendens on -the genus Ovius.” - -“The ---- you was!” snorts the judge. “Find out?” - -“No. I was almost prepared for the experiment when this unforeseen -contingency arose.” - -“My ----!” grunts Magpie. “He was sure going to do something awful.” - -“It is nothing to----” - -Ajax dropped his rope and stooped to pick it up; and didn’t finish -his sentence, ’cause that goat hit him dead center and Ajax and his -sack turned a cartwheel. The polecat came out of the sack and -tangled with the goat, and then both of them started back down the -trail towards Mighty. - -Mighty must ’a’ got his property back, ’cause as far as we can see -’em Mighty is still in the lead, but it’s almost a cinch the goat -will win out in the end. - -Ajax watches ’em for a minute and then starts for the cabin. - -“Wait!” snaps Magpie. “I’ll get your belongings for you.” - -“I am going away,” says Ajax sad-like; “going where intellect is -appreciated. I came here on a scientific mission, and I find that -research work is not appreciated.” - -“We may not be strong for you, Ajax, but it’s a cinch you’re too -strong for us,” says Magpie, tossing the valise to Ajax. - -“Good-by, Ajax,” says I. “Tell Middleton hello for us.” - -“I shall tell him something for myself,” says he, picking up his -valise. “Most surely I shall speak to Middleton about you both.” - -We watches him pilgrim down the trail, exuding odors of which there -is no imitation. - -“Magpie,” says the judge, “have you any idea what he wanted?” - -“Not in my language, judge. I’m going to write to Professor -Middleton and ask him what it is. I reckon Ajax came to the wrong -place.” - -“Let me know, Magpie,” squeaks Scenery. “I’d admire to hear what it -was.” - -We didn’t hear no more about Ajax, and about three weeks later we’re -down at Piperock and got a letter from Middleton. We got Scenery, -and the three of us went up to Judge Steele’s office. - -Magpie opens the letter and reads it aloud to us: - - Dear Magpie and Ike: - - Professor Green returned. Tell me about the thing he - calls a hipwiggler. He dropped some information to - Pettingill regarding it, but refuses even to nod to me. - In fact he is very reticent over the whole matter. - - He started to tell Pettingill about the “loofmad.” - Pettingill wrote it out and happened to spell it - backward. Now Green won’t speak to Pettingill. Please - tell us why a vigilance committee in Silver Bend made - him burn his clothes, which by the way contained his - money. We are very anxious to hear all about it. - - You ask the meaning of Green’s statement--to study the - effects of astragalas splendens on the genus Ovius. - -Magpie’s lips move slow-like over it, and then he hands the letter -to us. The three of us bends over it and reads where he left off: - - He meant that he wished to study the effects of - loco-weed on sheep. - -The four of us leans back against the wall and look at each other. - -“Magpie,” says the judge, clearing his throat and brushing off his -vest, “Magpie, what do you think of too much education?” - -“On a par with astragalas splendens, judge.” - -“To which,” says the judge, “I will say, ‘_E pluribus unum._’” - -All of which might be true, but Ajax was our first example. - - - The End - -[Transcriber’s Note: This article appeared in the July 10, 1922 issue -of Adventure Magazine.] - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AJAX, FOR EXAMPLE *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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C. Tuttle</title> - <link rel='icon' href='images/cover.jpg' type='image/x-cover' /> - <style> - body { margin-left:8%;margin-right:8%; } - p { text-indent:1.15em; margin-top:0.1em; margin-bottom:0.1em; text-align:justify; } - .caption { text-indent:0; font-size: smaller; padding:0.5em 0; text-align:center; } - .figcenter { margin:1em auto; } - div.chapter { page-break-before:always; margin-bottom:2em; } - div.page { page-break-before:always; margin:4em auto; } - h1 { text-align:center; font-weight:normal; page-break-before: always; - font-size:1.2em; margin:2em auto 1em auto; } - .tn { font-size:0.9em; border:1px solid silver; margin-top:1.8em; margin-left:8%; width:80%; padding:0.4em 2%; background-color: #DDDDEE; } - .tn p { text-indent:0; } - </style> -</head> -<body> -<p style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Ajax, for example, by W. C. Tuttle</p> -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Ajax, for example</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: W. C. Tuttle</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: August 23, 2022 [eBook #68820]</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</p> - <p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em; text-align:left'>Produced by: Roger Frank and Sue Clark</p> -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AJAX, FOR EXAMPLE ***</div> - -<h1>Ajax, for Example</h1> -<div style='text-align:center'>by W. C. Tuttle</div> -<div class='figcenter' style='width:70%; max-width:1565px'> - <img src='images/illus-001.jpg' alt='' style='width:100%;height:auto;' /> -</div> - -<p>“Horse sense,” says “Magpie” Simpkins, “consists of knowing -something that no school-teacher could pound into your head with a -pile-driver. It’s a sort of an initiative and referendum that books -can’t tell you about, and if you ain’t got it, Ike, you might as -well get you a loaf of bread, a jug of wine and hide out in the -brush, where you won’t hamper folks with your idiocy. There was -Ajax, for example.”</p> - -<p>Magpie hooks his spurs into the top of the table and leans back in -his chair. He knows there ain’t no argument, but hopes I’ll find -one. I agrees with Magpie—for once. I’ll tell you why I agree with -him, and maybe you’ll agree with me.</p> - -<p>Me and you both know that there’s educated fools. If I can have my -choice I’ll take the fool that never got educated in preference to -one what absorbed everything he found in books, ’cause the educated -one can’t even crawl into a blanket without peering into a book to -see the definition of the word “crawl,” the proper uses of a -blanket, and the procedure according to precedent.</p> - -<p>Yessir, there was Ajax, for example.</p> - -<p>Me and Magpie are cooking breakfast in our cabin on Plenty Stone -Creek one Summer morning, when we hears footsteps approaching on -horseback. Magpie steps to the door with a pan of bacon in his hand -and peers outside. He takes one look and tries to scratch his head -with the pan, the same of which leaves our hog-meat on the floor.</p> - -<p>Then he looks back at me.</p> - -<p>“Ike, come here! It’s either a mistake or I’m mistaken.”</p> - -<p>I walks over and takes a look. Looks like one of Sam Holt’s -rat-tailed broncs, but the rider—whooee! I don’t blame Magpie for -dropping the bacon. I’d ’a’ dropped a stick of dynamite if I’d had -one.</p> - -<p>I’ll begin at the top and work on down. First we have a hat. She -looks like a cross between a ordinary hard hat and a campaign lid, -being as she’s sort of flat on the top. Under said hat cometh hair, -which seems to grow straight out.</p> - -<p>Then we have a pair of funeral-rimmed specs forking the longest, -skinniest nose I ever seen. I feels that it must blow about the same -note as the stopped-down E string on a fiddle. The chin of the -critter seems to be so long that the weight of it holds his mouth -open.</p> - -<p>We have with us now the neck. To speak like a poet I’d say that he -had the neck of a swan. Maybe not so graceful, but longer. His -shoulders shows a heap of neglect, and from there he just sort of -slopes off to his feet, which is some slope, if you asks me.</p> - -<p>Riding with his elbows has made his sleeves pull up almost to his -shoulders, and hanging on with his knees has pulled up the legs of -his pants until he’s setting on most of ’em. He ain’t anything for a -drinking man to look at—if he likes the taste of liquor.</p> - -<p>Me and Magpie stands there sort of weak-like and watches him search -his pockets. He ain’t said a word yet. The more pockets he searches -the less he seems to find. He grunts and reaches for his hip pocket, -the same of which seems to bend his legs backwards until his heels -catch in that bronc’s flanks.</p> - -<p><i>Zowie!</i></p> - -<p>That rat-tailed bronc resents such familiarity, with the result that -said apparition lands setting down in our front yard while the -insulted bronc wends its way home.</p> - -<p>I plumb forgot to mention that this person carried a little valise -on the saddle-horn. Yes, it came off with him.</p> - -<p>He sets there on the chip-pile blinking like a old owl, and then he -produces an envelope from his hip pocket. Then he adjusts his specs -and peers up at us.</p> - -<p>“I beg your pardon,” says he.</p> - -<p>“You have it,” says Magpie.</p> - -<p>“You won’t catch that bronc this side of Piperock,” says I. “He’s -still throwing sand.”</p> - -<p>“Ah! Oh, the—er—equine? Ah! Unavoidable, I assure you.”</p> - -<p>“Setting as you were,” admits Magpie. “Good scheme to always watch a -bronc’s ears, old-timer.”</p> - -<p>“Pleasant pastime, I have no doubt,” he agrees. “Oh, quite -interesting. May I ask if either of you gentlemen is Mr. Simpson?”</p> - -<p>“Little high and to the right,” says Magpie. “I’m Simpkins.”</p> - -<p>“Ah, yes! Delighted, I assure you. My mistake.”</p> - -<p>He peers at the letter.</p> - -<p>“Very good indeed. Simpkins it is. I beg your pardon.”</p> - -<p>“You’re going to get splinters in you if you don’t get up,” states -Magpie.</p> - -<p>“Thank you very, very much,” says he, handing the letter to Magpie.</p> - -<p>“This is my—er—introductions, Mr. Simpson.”</p> - -<p>“S-i-m-p-k-i-n-s,” spells Magpie.</p> - -<p>“Ah, yes. Very simple.”</p> - -<p>“Yes,” says I. “Very.”</p> - -<p>Magpie opens the letter, and I reads it over his shoulder.</p> - -<blockquote> -<p style='text-indent:0'>My Dear Simpkins:</p> -<p>The bearer, Professor Ajax Ulysses Green, B.A., F.H.S., -K.P., I.O.O.F., B.P.O.E., etc., etc., is desirous of -testing out some pet theory, and I am taking the liberty -of sending him to you, knowing that you and Ike will see -that he gets what is coming to him. Do with him as you -will—and I know you will.</p> -<p>Professor Pettingill joins me in sending you our best -regards and hopes some day to see you again. Remember us -to Dirty Shirt Jones, and all the rest of the Pelicans -we met in the county of Yellow Rock.</p> -<div style='text-align:right; margin-right:2em;'>Very sincerely yours,</div> -<div style='text-align:right'>F. H. Middleton.</div> -<p style='margin-top:0.7em'> -P. S.—As Dirty Shirt says, “For ——’s sake, did you ever -see the like?” He really is considered a brilliant man, -and devoted to his work. Do as you see fit—but spare -him, as Pettingill and myself will not rest well until -he returns to Boston and tells of his experiences.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p>“Professor Middleton is one of my dear, dear friends,” explains this -alphabetical person sweet-like. “He was primarily responsible for my -coming. You may thank him.”</p> - -<p>“My!” gasps Magpie. “I may, may I? Well, well! Come in, Ajax.”</p> - -<p>“I prefer to be known as Professor Green, if it is not too much -trouble,” says he stiff-like, but Magpie grins and says:</p> - -<p>“I’m Magpie; this is Ike. You’re Ajax. <i>Sabe?</i>”</p> - -<p>“Rather—er—personal, don’t you think?”</p> - -<p>“How’d you like Ulysses?” I asks.</p> - -<p>“No. If I have no choice in the matter I’d prefer Ajax.”</p> - -<p>“If I had my choice of weapons I’d take a pickax,” grins Magpie. -“Are you the hombre what discovered lightning?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, no! The original Ajax defied the lightning, don’t you know.”</p> - -<p>“He made a sucker play,” says I. “Maybe he didn’t <i>sabe</i> -electricity.”</p> - -<p>Ajax refused to smoke a cigaret, so we gave him an old pipe that -“Polecat” Perkins left in our shack, but he didn’t seem to care for -it.</p> - -<p>“Now,” says Magpie, “we’d admire to hear what you came here for.”</p> - -<hr style='border:none; color:inherit; margin-top:1em;' /> - -<p>Ajax crosses his legs, adjusts his glasses and clears his throat. -It’s some job to clear a throat like his. The best way, I reckon, -would be to drop in a can of nitroglycerin like they do in -oil-wells.</p> - -<p>“I am here,” says he, rubbing his hands together, “to study the -effects of astragalas splendens on the genus Ovius.”</p> - -<p>Me and Magpie looks at each other and then at Ajax.</p> - -<p>“It is very interesting, don’t you think?” asks Ajax.</p> - -<p>Magpie walks over to the stove and begins to cut more bacon. After -he gets it on the stove he turns to Ajax.</p> - -<p>“What do you drink for breakfast?”</p> - -<p>“Rarely anything, I thank you.”</p> - -<p>“You ought to take something,” says I.</p> - -<p>“Well, if I should, I prefer a beverage of <i>thea sinensis</i>.”</p> - -<p>“My ——!” grunts Magpie. “We’re all out of that. Ike, I told you to -get us some the last time you was in Piperock.”</p> - -<p>“It is not necessary at all,” says Ajax.</p> - -<p>“I know it ain’t,” agrees Magpie, “but I’d sure like to know what in -—— it is.”</p> - -<p>Ajax drank water. Later on me and Magpie got his dictionary and -looked up everything that human beings drink, and we found that that -danged word-strangler wanted tea.</p> - -<p>He don’t <i>sabe</i> Blackfeet, Flathead or Chinook, and won’t talk -United States. We can’t understand his wau-wau; so we can see that -eventually some of us are going to be badly misunderstood.</p> - -<p>If it hadn’t been for Professor Middleton we’d have lured Ajax to a -tall place in the trail and shoved him off. He wasn’t even funny.</p> - -<p>If you poked a gun under his nose he wouldn’t have horse sense -enough to hold up his hands. No, I’ll be danged if he would! He’d -likely smell into the muzzle, look it over careful-like and then -classify it in a language that nobody in Yaller Rock County could -interpret.</p> - -<p>After breakfast he says—</p> - -<p>“I will rest today if you don’t mind.”</p> - -<p>“Rest in peace,” says Magpie. “Take root if you must, but for the -love of Moses try and bend your back and be sociable. You don’t -smoke, and if you did swear in your own little way nobody’d -understand you. Do you drink?”</p> - -<p>“<i>Spiritus frumenti?</i>”</p> - -<p>“Go to ——! Next time I says good morning to you, Ajax, it will be in -sign language. I’m through talking to you, that’s a cinch.”</p> - -<p>“I will not consider it obligatory,” says he lofty-like, and I just -grabs Magpie’s hand in time.</p> - -<p>“Don’t hold the hand of progress, Ike,” says Magpie. “Can you figure -out one good reason why I shouldn’t kill him?”</p> - -<p>“Except that we don’t know exactly where to ship his remains. He’s -from Boston, Magpie, but it ain’t like saying, ‘He’s from Piperock.’ -You’ve got to figure that Boston covers considerable space, and -until we finds out his home address we better let him suffer. -<i>Sabe?</i>”</p> - -<p>“Where is your home, Ajax?” asks Magpie.</p> - -<p>“Home? The habitual abode of one’s family?”</p> - -<p>I lets loose of Magpie’s hand and reached for my own gun, but the -coming of Dirty Shirt Jones saves me from killing a fool-hen out of -season. Dirty slides off his bronc and nods to us. Then he sees -Ajax. He peers at Ajax for a minute and then gets right back on his -bronc.</p> - -<p>“Get off and rest your feet, Dirty,” says I, but Dirty only stares -at Ajax and shakes his head.</p> - -<p>Dirty shakes his head like a bee was buzzing around his ear. He -shuts his eyes, shakes his head hard, and looks again.</p> - -<p>“My!” says he awed-like. “I’ve seen a lot of things in my life. I’ve -seen a tarantaler waltzing with a angle-worm, I have. I’ve seen a -little green devil riding a Gila monster in a race against a horned -toad which was ridden by me, but I’ve always been able to shake ’em -loose for a minute. This’n I can’t!”</p> - -<p>“I am Professor Ajax Ulysses Green,” says Ajax stiff-like. “It is -extremely embarrassing when one’s friends forget the—I—er—it places -me in a position wherein I am forced to introduce myself to one whom -my acquaintances greet as one of their own kind. Embarrassing, I -assure you.”</p> - -<p>“Ex-cuse me,” says Magpie. “Ajax, let me make you used to Dirty -Shirt. Dirty, this here is Ajax.”</p> - -<p>“Name’s familiar,” says Dirty, scratching his head. “Oh, yes! -‘Boiled Egg’ Benson had a jassack by that name. I wondered who he -named it after and why he used to kick it in the ribs all the time. -Poor mule!”</p> - -<p>“Maybe Dirty Shirt could help you, Ajax. He’s seen about all there -is in this country.”</p> - -<p>“Possibly,” agrees Ajax. “I’d be grateful to a startling degree.”</p> - -<p>And then he turns to Dirty.</p> - -<p>“I am out here, sir, to study the effects of astragalas splendens on -the genus Ovius.”</p> - -<p>Dirty spits out his cigaret and clamps his jaws hard.</p> - -<p>“Before you do anything, Dirty, appeal to your better nature,” says -I.</p> - -<p>“What do you think, Dirty?” asks Magpie.</p> - -<p>“Think?”</p> - -<p>Dirty swings his bronc around and talks to us over his shoulder.</p> - -<p>“I think you three has had all the fun you’re going to out of me. I -don’t know what it means, but you can all go to —— as far as I’m -concerned.”</p> - -<p>We watches him ride off down the road.</p> - -<p>“Is he—er—entirely sane?” asks Ajax, watching Dirty disappear.</p> - -<p>“Not now,” says Magpie. “A human being can only stand so much. He -got bit by a hipwiggler the other night.”</p> - -<p>“Ah! Quite interesting.”</p> - -<p>And he writes something in his little book.</p> - -<p>Ajax wanted to rest that day, so we didn’t bother him none. It gave -us a chance to control our natural impulses to kill him, and also -gave us a chance to do a little placer work.</p> - -<p>I asks Magpie that night if we’re supposed to give up our bunk to -Ajax, but Magpie gives me one look which is plenty of answers. -Anyway Ajax didn’t desire it.</p> - -<p>“Professor Middleton told me of the wonders of sleeping under the -glorious firmament,” says Ajax, “and I desire to experience it as he -described.”</p> - -<p>“Fairly well ventilated,” says Magpie. “Nice enough unless she rains -or a hipwiggler comes along.”</p> - -<p>“Who is ‘she,’ and what is a hipwiggler, if I may ask?”</p> - -<p>“She?”</p> - -<p>Magpie smooths his mustache and scowls at the ground.</p> - -<p>“Oh, yes; the hipwiggler. The hipwiggler is a animal. If one comes -along and finds you sleeping on the ground it just plumb ruins you -for future use. You’re dead—that’s about all.”</p> - -<p>“Your—er—friend you spoke about,” says Ajax. “Was he sleeping on——”</p> - -<p>“Uh-huh. A log saved his life. It’s thisaway, Ajax: A hipwiggler is -a queer animal. It always prospects a man from his head down to his -toes. It gets to the end of you and then starts eating its way back. -<i>Sabe?</i></p> - -<p>“Dirty Shirt went to sleep with his feet on a log. The hipwiggler -comes along, walks to where it strikes the ground and then starts -eating. It ain’t got no <i>sabe</i>—not a bit. This one didn’t <i>sabe</i> -that Dirty had his feet on a log; so it went to the end of the log -and starts eating. Logs ain’t noways digestible, so it got disgusted -and left Dirty alone.”</p> - -<p>Ajax took it all in and then gets inquisitive.</p> - -<p>“Could I procure a specimen?”</p> - -<p>“Nope. They only sleep between twelve and one o’clock, and nobody -knows where they hole up. To catch one any other time you’ve got to -take a sack in your hands, stand on the stump of a persimmon-tree -and make a noise like a loofmad.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, I see. Quite complicated. More of this later, as I am -interested.”</p> - -<p>“You deserve to be,” says I. “If it wasn’t for Middleton——”</p> - -<p>“Ah, yes. I am deeply indebted to Middleton, the dear fellow. I -shall mention him in my monograph.”</p> - -<p>“Do it,” urges Magpie. “I’ll do the same—in my prayers.”</p> - -<p>“I—I feel that I am going to make some wonderful discoveries out -here.”</p> - -<p>“Well,” says Magpie, “that remains to be seen, as the feller said -when he dug into the Injun’s grave.”</p> - -<hr style='border:none; color:inherit; margin-top:1em;' /> - -<p>Ajax gets a little skittish about sleeping outdoors, so he rolls up -in a blanket on the floor. Me and Magpie are heavy sleepers, but he -woke us up in the night. We sets up in bed and listens to him. He’s -making a lot of noise like he was trying to move the cabin.</p> - -<p>Magpie is just getting up to see what the trouble is when Ajax comes -in, grunting and wheezing. Comes a big bump on the floor, a deep -sigh from Ajax, and then everything is still again; so we goes to -sleep.</p> - -<p>In the morning Magpie kicks me in the ribs, and I sets up in bed. -There is Ajax laying on the floor with his bare legs bent up over a -section of pine log about thirty inches in diameter. Magpie snorts -right out, and Ajax sets up.</p> - -<p>He looks all around the cabin and then reaches for his pants.</p> - -<p>“I thank you for the information, my dear Mr. Simpson,” says he. “I -feel that the section of the genus Pinus was the means of saving my -life. Several times after securing it I felt the deadly hipwiggler -travel my entire length, only to fall off the log in surprize. It -was a sensation I can not wish for again, but one I feel fortunate -to have experienced. I thank you for your timely advice.”</p> - -<p>Magpie smoothed his mustache and stared at me and we both danged -near choked. Ajax sure offered himself as a highway for pack-rats -that night.</p> - -<p>Then cometh Judge Steele. He’s the educatedest hombre in the county. -If there’s anything he don’t know he won’t admit it. He owns -half-interest in a claim up the creek, and is on his way up there -with a pack-load of grub for his pardner.</p> - -<p>We asks him in to breakfast ’cause you never can tell when you’ll -need the friendship of a judge.</p> - -<p>“Good morning,” says he to me and Magpie, and then he sees Ajax.</p> - -<p>“Good gosh!”</p> - -<p>“Howdy, judge,” says Magpie. “Set in on the bacon.”</p> - -<p>“Ah!” says Ajax. “A judge. Are you an LL.B.?”</p> - -<p>“Nope. Missourian and a stanch Republican.”</p> - -<p>“Ah! It is refreshing to meet an educated man in the wilds. Where -did you matriculate, may I ask?”</p> - -<p>“Where did I what?”</p> - -<p>“Matriculate.”</p> - -<p>“I’m on my way to my mine, and I started from Piperock, if it’s -anybody’s danged business.”</p> - -<p>And then he turns to Magpie.</p> - -<p>“Friend of yours?”</p> - -<p>“Liability, judge. He’s trailing something that ain’t here nor never -was.”</p> - -<p>“Huh! What’s he after?”</p> - -<p>“You tell him, Ajax. Something about strangling the——”</p> - -<p>“It is not a subject to cause levity,” chides Ajax. “Is there any -reason why I should not come here to study the effects of astragalas -splendens on the genus Ovius?”</p> - -<p>The judge stands up to drink his coffee and then goes out to his -horses.</p> - -<p>“What do you think, judge?” I asks.</p> - -<p>He picks up the lead rope of his pack-horse and ponders the -question.</p> - -<p>“Ike, I hate to give out a judicial reply as I might be called upon -to render a decision from the bench, but I’ll say this much: Any -jury in Yaller Rock County would convict him without leaving their -seats.”</p> - -<p>He gets on his horse and pilgrims off up the trail.</p> - -<p>“How quaint,” grins Ajax. “Is he really a presiding judge or did he -simply acquire the title as many Westerners are reputed to have?”</p> - -<p>“I believe he is,” says Magpie. “Danged if I don’t believe he is.”</p> - -<p>“Is what?” asks Ajax.</p> - -<p>“Right.”</p> - -<p>“Ah, no doubt,” agrees Ajax foolish-like, and we let the matter -rest.</p> - -<p>Ajax puttered around for a while and then came to us.</p> - -<p>“May I—er—have a piece of rope? Three yards will be sufficient.”</p> - -<p>“Plenty,” agrees Magpie pleased-like.</p> - -<p>“You know how to tie the proper kind of a knot?”</p> - -<p>“I— Perhaps not, but——”</p> - -<p>“The pleasure is all mine,” says Magpie.</p> - -<p>Ajax looks the knot over interested-like.</p> - -<p>“Beg pardon, but will you tell me why you wound the rope around so -many times?”</p> - -<p>“Thirteen times,” says Magpie. “Any sheriff knows how. Now, do you -want us to elevate the wagon-tongue or do you prefer a limb?”</p> - -<p>Ajax’s mouth hangs open for a full minute, and then he seems to -catch the point.</p> - -<p>“He, he, he! You—you thought perhaps I wanted to make a—er—a swing, -I believe they call them. You were spoofing me, I fear. No, I thank -you.”</p> - -<p>And he wandered away across the hills alone.</p> - -<p>“Ike,” says Magpie; “were you spoofing? A swing! My ——!”</p> - -<p>We worked for a while but can’t seem to get Ajax out of our minds.</p> - -<p>The blamed fool might get lost or bit by a snake. Sidewinders don’t -respect education. After a while Magpie says:</p> - -<p>“Ike, if it wasn’t for Middleton I’d let the blamed fool sink or -swim, survive or perish, but I’d hate to rob Middleton of a chance -to hear Ajax tell his experiences. Reckon we better pesticate around -a little and see where he went. I’d admire to find out what he’s -after.”</p> - -<p>“He said it was the effects of—” I began, but Magpie looked at me -with his sweet smile and I shut up.</p> - -<hr style='border:none; color:inherit; margin-top:1em;' /> - -<p>Ajax pointed almost due south, but we figured he’d bear a little to -the west, so we cut across. We’re pilgriming down into a draw at the -head of a little fork of Medicine Creek when all to once we busts -into a clearing, and Magpie stops.</p> - -<p>I bumped into him, and then looked over his shoulder. There is -“Doleful” Doolittle, who herds sheep when he’s sober enough, and -standing in front of him is Ajax.</p> - -<p>Them hombres sure show signs of rough usage. Ajax’s hat is smashed -down over his nose, and he’s looking out from between the crown and -the brim. His coat is split up the back, and his long legs wabble a -heap.</p> - -<p>Doleful has lost one sleeve and his belt, the same of which causes -him to hang on to his pants, so they won’t come down and trip him. -If Doleful had twice as much sense he’d be almost half-witted.</p> - -<p>“Hear me?” yelps Doleful, shaking his one free hand at Ajax. “I’m -tellin’ you hereby that I’m aimin’ to show you, feller!”</p> - -<p>“Very ungrammatical, to say the least,” pants Ajax. “Now I wish you -to desist. Fisticuffs are a relic of——”</p> - -<p>“I <i>sabe</i>,” says Doleful, spitting on his hands. “Set yourself, -feller, ’cause I’m coming wide open like a wolf!”</p> - -<p><i>Boof!</i></p> - -<p>Doleful takes a skip and a jump and lands on Ajax’s bosom, and they -both went into the alkali. It was some fight. They’re both yelling -for help in about ten seconds, and then they gets to their feet.</p> - -<p>“You long-faced son-of-a-sea-cook, you bited me!” howls Doleful, -rubbing his ear.</p> - -<p>“It was—uh—but fighting the dud-devil with fuf-fire,” wheezes Ajax. -“You masticated my e-ear, friend.”</p> - -<p>“Friend?” yells Doleful. “Don’t you call me friend! I hate —— out of -you, by ginger! Hold fast, ’cause I’m coming to visit you again!”</p> - -<p>Ajax sidestepped this time, and when Doleful stumbled over his legs -Ajax fell on top of him. Man, they sure investigated each other. -Doleful kicked, whooped and yelped and managed to squirm loose, -minus one boot, which Ajax has annexed.</p> - -<p>For a minute Ajax seems to show human intelligence by hammering -Doleful over the head with the boot. Doleful wails loud and clear -and hops away a few feet, where he takes off the other boot and -comes back at Ajax.</p> - -<p>“God didn’t make men equal but boots did,” says Magpie, and then -them two are at it again.</p> - -<p>It was some duel if you asks me, and before they’re at it a minute -me and Magpie are weeping on each other’s bosom. They never seen us. -In fact they hadn’t been at it a minute until they couldn’t see each -other.</p> - -<p>Pretty soon Doleful makes a wild swing, and the heel of that boot -hit Ajax at the butt of his ear. That was plenty for Ajax, who -sprawls on his face in the dirt, but Doleful didn’t know it. He kept -right on, hopping back and forth, whaling away with that boot at -something that ain’t there.</p> - -<p>“Look at the danged fool!” gasps Magpie. “He can’t see!”</p> - -<p>Just then Doleful makes an extra hard swing, his foot slipped, and -the toe of that boot hit him under the chin. He straightens up, -shrugs his shoulders like a Frenchman and then falls flat on his -back—knocked out, or rather kicked out.</p> - -<p>“Honest to —— that never happened,” sobs Magpie. “Aw, it couldn’t! -He hit himself in the— Haw, haw, haw!”</p> - -<p>I haw-haws with him, and we cries a duet.</p> - -<p>Pretty soon Doleful gets to his feet, walks around in a circle and -appears to be listening. Then Ajax coughs and sets up.</p> - -<p>“I’ve had a gosh-darn plenty,” states Doleful in a whisper. “Hear -me?”</p> - -<p>“I’m sorry,” says Ajax.</p> - -<p>“You danged hog!” wails Doleful. “I know when I’ve had a plenty. -Where is my boots?”</p> - -<p>Ajax feels of his ear like he half-expected to find the boot in -there, but when he don’t find it he shakes his head.</p> - -<p>“I don’t know, I’m sure.”</p> - -<p>“I’m going,” states Doleful. “My gosh, it’s dark today! I can just -see enough to miss hittin’ trees, and that’s about all. Where are -you?”</p> - -<p>“T fear I’m not able to give you concise information on the -subject,” says Ajax painful-like, “because I am not aware of my -exact position. If it will enlighten you to any extent I will say -this much; I am on the ground.”</p> - -<p>“Then you stay there,” advises Doleful. “If I step on you don’t get -sore, ’cause I don’t mean nothing but good-by. <i>Sabe?</i>”</p> - -<p>Doleful stumbles across Ajax’s feet and goes weaving off through the -mesquite, hanging on to his pants and picking up cactus in his feet. -Then Ajax gets to his feet and peers around. His specs are still -hanging around his neck, and he tries to put ’em on. He’s been -booted across the bridge of his nose, the same of which makes his -specs feel like his nose was in a vise.</p> - -<p>He yanks ’em off, and then begins to search his pockets. After a -while he finds what he’s looking for. Then he feels his way over to -a rock, where he gets interested in looking at something—or trying -to. We sneaked over and took a look. He’s got a compass on the rock, -and is talking to himself.</p> - -<p>“Unless I am greatly mistaken I traveled due south. Due north would -take me—uh— Now would it? Which way did I pursue the Ovius? Well, no -matter, as I can not see the compass, therefore I am lost. Perhaps -my shadow will inform me of the position of the sun, and by taking -the time of day——”</p> - -<p>He turns and peers at the ground.</p> - -<p>“Futile,” he mutters. “There is no shadow. No matter, as my watch is -not running. Still I am lost. Not knowing the proper procedure in -such a case, I will endeavor to remain stationary until such a time -as I may regain the use of my optic nerves. I will think of a -remedy.”</p> - -<p>“Raw beefsteak is hyiu stuff,” suggests Magpie. “Ever try it?”</p> - -<p>Ajax almost hopped out of his shoes. He peers at us, and then:</p> - -<p>“Ah! Raw steak? I greatly prefer mine medium, <i>en casserole</i>.”</p> - -<p>“It’s no use, Ike,” sighs Magpie. “I had hopes that he’d been hit so -hard that he’d talk our language, but I’m a poor guesser. You take -one side, Ike, and I’ll take the other.”</p> - -<hr style='border:none; color:inherit; margin-top:1em;' /> - -<p>Ajax led like a old pack-horse and didn’t have much to say. We asked -him why he was sore at Doleful, and he said the idea was absurd. We -tied some raw meat over his eyes, and by supper-time he was able to -feel the difference between a knife and a fork.</p> - -<p>“Maybe some day you <i>hombres</i> will stay in the East where you -belong,” says Magpie disgusted-like. “You sure gallop in where -natives fear to sneak.”</p> - -<p>“We scientists must suffer that the masses be informed,” explains -Ajax.</p> - -<p>“You ain’t going to get a lot of publicity by fighting a boot duel -with a half-witted herder,” says I.</p> - -<p>“It was no violence of my making, I assure you, Mr. Harper. I was -chasing the elusive Ovius when this vulgar person came between us. -He used very insulting adjectives—very! My lips could never repeat -the strange things he said. Naturally I resented. I descended to the -level of a brute, and fought as my ancestors fought.”</p> - -<p>“I’ve heard of boot-leggers,” says Magpie, “but you must ’a’ sprung -from a family of boot-fighters, Ajax. Did you hit him first?”</p> - -<p>“I did not. Nor second or third. In fact he pummeled me for some -time before I seemed to grasp his intentions, and then I -retaliated.”</p> - -<p>“You ought to carry a boot,” advises Magpie. “Feller like you ought -to go heeled all the time. What do you aim to do next?”</p> - -<p>“Next?”</p> - -<p>Ajax rubs his sore eyes and looks up at Magpie.</p> - -<p>“I shall certainly persevere until I have observed fully the effects -of astragalas splendens upon the——”</p> - -<p>But me and Magpie went out and left him talking to himself.</p> - -<p>We helped Ajax bring in his foot-rest that night and watched him go -to bed with his feet thirty inches higher than his head. He’s so -all-in that he never felt the pack-rats that night, and the next -morning he’s a sorry-looking hunk of scientific humanity.</p> - -<p>His clothes are about seven-eighths to the sere and yaller leaf. His -valise don’t contain nothing but a book, some papers and a box of -pills. Magpie looks him over from all angles.</p> - -<p>“Somebody will kill you, Ajax, if you dress thataway,” says Magpie. -“In memory of Professor Middleton me and Ike will have to dress you -civilized-like, I reckon.”</p> - -<p>We got him into an old pair of boots, one of my shirts and an old -sombrero of Magpie’s. He looks like ——, but he don’t know it. Then -he wants another length of rope.</p> - -<p>“You going back to the same place?” I asks.</p> - -<p>He considers it a moment, and shakes his head.</p> - -<p>“I don’t believe I will. That vulgar person might accost me again, -and I have no time to waste in combat. I will try in another -direction, if it makes no particular difference.”</p> - -<p>“Me and Ike are neutral,” says Magpie.</p> - -<p>“If you’d tell us just about what in —— you’re hunting for, maybe -we’d advise you.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, thank you. You see I wish to observe the effects of -astragala——”</p> - -<p>“You’re welcome!” yelps Magpie. “Go ahead, and may you die in your -boots.”</p> - -<p>“I fear that is impossible,” says Ajax. “The boots belong to you.”</p> - -<p>“Happy birthday!” yelps Magpie. “They’re yours, Ajax. Go to it.”</p> - -<p>“I will do my best, sir,” says he, and we watches him going over the -hills, dragging his rope behind him.</p> - -<p>“Just plain crazy, Ike,” declares Magpie. “Plain crazy.”</p> - -<p>“Not Ajax,” says I. “Nossir! That feller is plumb fancy crazy. He’s -gilt-edged, perfumed and embroidered, Magpie. He knows a million -dollars’ worth of things that won’t never do him any good—things -that other fellers like him have found out; and now he’s out here to -find out something to pass on to them. It won’t never do him nor -anybody else any good—but they’ll be glad.”</p> - -<hr style='border:none; color:inherit; margin-top:1em;' /> - -<p>We knocked off work late in the afternoon. I laid down on the bunk -while Magpie fixes a kettle of beans. He’s standing in the door of -the cabin, pouring the water off them beans, when all to once there -comes a hunk of lead, knocks the kettle out of Magpie’s hand, and -hives up in the foot of our bunk. Then comes the crack of a rifle.</p> - -<p>I sees Magpie elevate his hands, and I slips loose my six-shooter. -Then here comes “Mighty” Jones, covering Magpie with a rifle.</p> - -<p>Mighty owns the only herd of goats in the county, and each and every -one of them shaggy things is nitroglycerin on legs. I figures that -Mighty has gone crazy from herding same, so when he turns sideways -to me I slams a .45 slug into the loading-plate of his rifle.</p> - -<p>That slug seems to cause consternation, being as it explodes some of -Mighty’s magazine, and when a magazine full of 45-70s begin to heave -and surge, it’s no place for a timid person.</p> - -<p>Magpie turns a flip-flop into the cabin, and Mighty tries to dig -himself into our chip-pile. I pilgrims out there and looks at -Mighty.</p> - -<p>“Why for the hands-up stuff, Mighty?” I asks. “You peeved?”</p> - -<p>“You dang well know I am! You know why, too—blast you! I only seen -one of you, but you two are pardners, and—I’ll see you in jail. I’m -going to get the sheriff, me!”</p> - -<p>“Plain crazy, Ike,” says Magpie sad-like. “Plain crazy.”</p> - -<p>“Very plain,” I agrees.</p> - -<p>“I’ll see you both in jail—betcher life!” wails Mighty. “Sure will.”</p> - -<p>“Better see a eye doctor, Mighty,” advises Magpie. “You’re seeing -things.”</p> - -<p>“You’ll see something—dang you both!”</p> - -<p>And Mighty fogs off down the trail.</p> - -<p>“Poor old coot,” says Magpie. “Can’t help feeling sorry for him, -Ike.”</p> - -<p>“Uh-huh. He was a good old buggy but he’s done broke down.”</p> - -<p>“No question about the buggy part, Ike.”</p> - -<p>We fixed up our pot of beans and wondered where Ajax is. We ate -supper and wondered some more about Ajax.</p> - -<p>Then cometh Lindhardt Cadwallader Sims, knowed as “Scenery.” We -always figured that Scenery was sheriff by default, being as two of -Magpie’s friends forgot to vote, and Scenery won by one vote. He’s -about knee-high to a he-human, and has darned near polished all the -epitaph off his star in six months. He squeaks when he walks and -squeaks when he talks, which makes him a pathetic person among his -feller men.</p> - -<p>The danged little imitation has a six-gun in his hand when he shows -up in our doorway. He peers at us mean-like and clears his throat. -I’m just about to pour some beans into my plate, but I takes one -look at his gun and swings back with that kettle and let her fly. It -was a good shot. She just turns over once and hit him right in the -chin.</p> - -<p>He staggers backward, drops his gun and begins to claw at them -beans. Sudden-like he remembers his gun and goes pawing around for -it. I swings the door about half-shut when I hears a biff and a -grunt, and Scenery Sims comes into that door on his hands and knees. -He hops to his feet fighting mad, and squeaks like a bull fiddle:</p> - -<p>“You assassinators is all under arrest! Hear me? You can’t monkey -with no officer of the peace thataway and get away with it. Magpie, -you daw-gonned, long-whiskered——”</p> - -<p>Magpie stopped his yelps by picking him up and throwing him out of -the door. Scenery was just sailing out as Ajax starts to come in, -and they met. When an irresistible jackass meets an immovable -educated fool there is something going on.</p> - -<p>Them two misfits of the human race went into a clinch and hugged -each other like long-lost brothers. They got up fighting blind, went -into another clinch and rolled under Scenery’s bronc.</p> - -<p>For a few seconds there ain’t nothing but hoofs, boots and dust to -be seen. Then it gets too warm for a buzzard-headed bronc, and said -animal leaves its master to fate and an educated fool.</p> - -<p>Ajax was a lot stronger than he looked. He squirmed loose, grabs the -sheriff by the neck and the seat of the pants and cast him far away.</p> - -<p>Poor Scenery! He rolls over a few times and staggers to his feet. He -whales away with both fists at nothing, crosses his feet and falls -down again.</p> - -<p>Then he gets up and starts off down the road. He walks a few steps -and then runs a few. Then he does it all over again, like he was -expecting a kick in the rear every time he steps.</p> - -<p>Ajax has set down on the ground and is trying to dig the alkali out -of his mouth and eyes. He sure is a sight. Me and Magpie walks over -to him, and Magpie says—</p> - -<p>“Say, professor, we’d admire to know if it was you who knocked -Scenery into our cabin.”</p> - -<p>“Scenery?”</p> - -<p>He peers up at us and then blinks shut again.</p> - -<p>“The general aspect, as regards variety or beauty, or the reverse, -of a landscape?”</p> - -<p>“My ——!” says I. “He asked you in a lady-like manner: Who knocked -Scenery into our cabin? The man you fought. <i>Sabe?</i>”</p> - -<p>“The—the man I fought?” stutters Ajax. “Did I—I fight a man?”</p> - -<p>“Say,” says Magpie, “did you get hit so hard that you don’t <i>sabe</i> -things? What did you think you was mopping the earth with?”</p> - -<p>“I—er—really——” Ajax mops some more dirt out of his features and -peers around— “I—er—suppose I must take your unsupported word for -it, but I—I thought at the time that I was being attacked by a -specimen of the genus Ovius.”</p> - -<p>Magpie kicks the empty bean-kettle into the cabin, and me and him -follers it inside. Pretty soon Ajax looks in. He peers all around -and then begins to search outside.</p> - -<p>Me and Magpie went out there and looked around, too. Then Ajax -starts circling the cabin, and me and Magpie follered him like a -pair of bird-dog pups follering an old dog, but we don’t find -anything. Pretty soon Ajax sighs deep-like.</p> - -<p>“Well, it isn’t here, it seems.”</p> - -<p>“Maybe you lost it some other place,” suggests Magpie.</p> - -<p>“No. I had it when I arrived.”</p> - -<p>“——!” grunts Magpie. “What was it, Ajax?”</p> - -<p>“The—er—specimen of the genus Ovius.”</p> - -<p>I grabs Magpie just in time. Ajax never did know how close he -skidded to the graveyard that time. Magpie was so mad that he -wouldn’t come into the cabin while I throws a feed into Ajax.</p> - -<p>“There should be a drastic legislation against the careless use of -firearms,” states Ajax. “Would you believe it—” he pokes a fork at -me like he was trying to see if I was done—“some careless person, -evidently shooting at random, nearly struck me? I was a little south -of here, returning with my specimen, when I detected a singing noise -past my ear. Immediately following came the report of a firearm.</p> - -<p>“In endeavoring to ascertain the location of the miscreant I became -entangled with my specimen, and luckily we fell into a depression -behind an outcropping of granite formation. Luckily the depression -was filled with a thick growth of mimosaceous shrub, which screened -us from view.</p> - -<p>“I feel sure that the target was located upon or near that granite -outcropping, because in a few minutes I could hear the marksman -carrying on a conversation like this, omitting the vulgarity, of -course:</p> - -<p>“‘Pshaw! Missed entirely!’</p> - -<p>“And then he seemed heartily ashamed of himself, as he said:</p> - -<p>“‘Too bad! I should have had higher aspirations.’</p> - -<p>“The last may not be correct, but at any rate he mentioned something -about holding higher, which amounts to the same.”</p> - -<p>“Yes,” says I; “he was careless, Ajax. I feel sorry for him.”</p> - -<p>“Perhaps I should have extended my sympathy,” says Ajax. -“But—er—really I was in no position to think of the niceties of -social custom.”</p> - -<p>“What was you doing all this time?” asks Magpie from the doorway.</p> - -<p>“I—er—I was trying to preserve my hold upon the Ovius.”</p> - -<hr style='border:none; color:inherit; margin-top:1em;' /> - -<p>I seen Magpie walk out about fifty feet, throw his hat on the ground -and hop up and down on it. This Ovius is getting under his hide.</p> - -<p>“I will persevere,” says Ajax determined-like. “I must persevere.”</p> - -<p>“All right, Percy,” says I. “Don’t let us stop you.”</p> - -<p>Me and Magpie talked things over, but we can’t figure it out.</p> - -<p>“That’s the —— of it, Ike,” says Magpie. “If Ajax was a human being -he could tell us what he’s after, but education has plumb ruined him -for conversation. I reckon we’ve got to give him plenty of rope, and -he’ll hang up some place.”</p> - -<p>“He’s used up enough rope to hang all the rustlers in Montana,” says -I. “He had one specimen, Magpie, but somebody shot at him——”</p> - -<p>“Rotten shooting!” snorts Magpie. “There is such things as mob law, -and if he don’t give us a chance to see what he’s after I’m going to -turn myself into a mob and make him talk something we can <i>sabe</i>.</p> - -<p>“What in —— is a Ovius? As far as I can remember there ain’t never -been one seen here. None of the old-timers has ever spoke of any -such a thing, Ike. There ain’t nothing in the Injun language that -sounds like it.”</p> - -<p>“Well,” says I, “what is astragalas splendens?”</p> - -<p>“There you are!”</p> - -<p>Magpie waves his arms and walks in a circle.</p> - -<p>“There you are, Ike. Both of us holds a blank hand, so we just -splits the pot. I reckon I’ll likely kill Ajax tomorrow.”</p> - -<p>“And never find out what he’s after?”</p> - -<p>“There are things better left unknown, Ike. Let’s go to bed before -we mention something that we can’t explain.”</p> - -<p>Ajax is writing in his little book by the light of a candle, and -when we come in he stops.</p> - -<p>“Pardon me,” says he to Magpie. “Has anything ever been written -regarding the hipwiggler?”</p> - -<p>“Nun-not that I knows about. It ain’t what you’d call popular.”</p> - -<p>He thinks it over for a while, and then he sort of says to himself:</p> - -<p>“It could be named after me. What an honor!”</p> - -<p>“Yes’m,” admits Magpie. “You can be a father to it if you want to.”</p> - -<p>“If I could only secure a specimen!” he wails. “I must! I will!”</p> - -<p>He hops off his seat and walks up and down the cabin.</p> - -<p>“You spoke of something about securing one by making a noise like -a—a——”</p> - -<p>“Loofmad?” asks Magpie.</p> - -<p>“Exactly. A loofmad. Is it a—er—difficult sound to make?”</p> - -<p>“Nope. Easy for lots of folks.”</p> - -<p>“Would you mind giving me a demonstration?”</p> - -<p>“Not me. I did once, and I almost got killed.”</p> - -<p>“Ah! Is it dangerous?”</p> - -<p>“It is and it ain’t. You’d be safe, Ajax.”</p> - -<p>“Will you teach me?”</p> - -<p>Ajax stops in front of Magpie and holds out his hands like Magpie -had something to give him.</p> - -<p>“Teach you? Man, you’re born to it. No, I can’t tell you how to do -it, but the proper note is in your voice every little while, only -you don’t know it.”</p> - -<p>“Is it a gift?” asks Ajax.</p> - -<p>“Merry Christmas!” explodes Magpie. “If it is I hope nobody knows -when my birthday is, and that Sandy Claws goes blind.”</p> - -<p>“Interesting but vague,” says Ajax, and goes back to his book.</p> - -<p>Yes, Ajax slept with his feet in the air again.</p> - -<p>Me and Magpie talks over the events of the day, but we can’t figure -it out. We can’t figure why Mighty wishes to hold us up, and why he -sends Scenery up there with blood in his eye. We asks Ajax the next -morning if he’s done anything wrong, but he shakes his head.</p> - -<p>“I never have done anything wrong,” says he.</p> - -<p>“This is a great little country to establish a precedent,” says -Magpie. “A herder of goats comes here yesterday and shoots a -bean-pot out of my hands. Later on the sheriff comes up—but you know -that. Do you know why they comes here?”</p> - -<p>“I haven’t an idea.”</p> - -<p>“I know you ain’t, but I thought maybe you had a hunch.”</p> - -<p>Ajax got himself a rope this time. He hunted around until he found -an old sack, and then he sets down to look in his little book.</p> - -<p>“Today,” says he, “I am going to make a supreme effort to secure -valuable data, and I wish to ask a few questions. Is the hipwiggler -a vegetarian or of the carnivora, and what is its habitat?”</p> - -<p>“The hipwiggler,” says Magpie, “eats anything and is fond of -children. It is of the hootchie-kootchie family. Hootchie, meaning -hip, and kootchie, meaning to wiggle. The great difference between -it and anything else is in its shape, size, actions, color and -odor.”</p> - -<p>“Hootchie-kootchie?” asks Ajax. “Is that—er—an Indian word?”</p> - -<p>“Uh-huh. The Camelpunchers.”</p> - -<p>“Has the hipwiggler a distinctive odor?”</p> - -<p>“You dang well know it has. You look for something that you never -seen nor smelled before. <i>Sabe?</i> Catch it and bring it here, and if -it ain’t a hipwiggler we’ll tell you.”</p> - -<p>“I see. We will have an elimination proceedings.”</p> - -<p>“Somebody will be, that’s a cinch,” grins Magpie.</p> - -<p>Ajax tightens the rope around his waist, picks up his sack and faces -the east.</p> - -<p>“I gird up my loins and fare forth. Today I will complete my quest. -I bid you good morning, gentlemen.”</p> - -<p>We watches the blamed fool pilgrim across the hills.</p> - -<p>“You’ve got to admire him for sticking,” says I, but Magpie snorts:</p> - -<p>“Yeah? Might as well give three cheers for a cactus, Ike.”</p> - -<hr style='border:none; color:inherit; margin-top:1em;' /> - -<p>“Doughgod” Smith comes past about dinner-time and stops to smoke a -cigaret.</p> - -<p>“Seen a posse today,” grins Doughgod. “Some bunch. Scenery Sims, -Mighty Jones and Doleful Doolittle. Put them three on a two-by-four -island and they couldn’t find each other.”</p> - -<p>“Where did you see ’em, Doughgod?” asks Magpie.</p> - -<p>“They left town about an hour before I started. Pointed towards -Mighty’s place.”</p> - -<p>Doughgod rode on, and me and Magpie ponders things. That’s some -posse to go after anybody. Pretty soon Magpie sniffs the air. I -sniff a little too, and then we hear Scenery Sims’ squeaky voice.</p> - -<p>“Halt! You darn fool—halt!”</p> - -<p>We steps around the corner of the cabin and sees a queer sight. In -the middle of the trail stands Ajax. Standing between his long legs -is a goat—a sick-looking goat.</p> - -<p>Ajax has got the sack over his shoulder, and when he sees us he -swings it to the ground.</p> - -<p>Above him on the hill is Scenery with a rifle in his hands, and -about sixty feet behind Ajax is Mighty, hanging on to his nose. -Below Ajax, standing on the side of the hill with a rock in each -hand, is Doleful.</p> - -<p>“Stand still, dog-gone you!” squeaks Scenery. “You’re under arrest!”</p> - -<p>“It is all very peculiar,” says Ajax sick-like. “I don’t know what -it all means, and I——”</p> - -<p>Ajax picks up his sack and starts for us.</p> - -<p>“Stop him, Magpie!” yelps Scenery. “Shoot the darn fool!”</p> - -<p>Ajax stops and looks foolish.</p> - -<p>“Will somebody explain things?” asks Magpie, holding his nose.</p> - -<p>“He’s a thief,” says Scenery. “Caught with the goods, too. He stole -thet goat from Mighty Jones.”</p> - -<p>“Well,” says I, “why don’t you arrest him, Scenery? He ain’t -heeled.”</p> - -<p>“Not me! I don’t want him.”</p> - -<p>“I demand his arrest!” yelps Mighty.</p> - -<p>“Shut up, Mighty!” squeaks Scenery. “He’s been arrested five -minutes; ain’t you, feller?”</p> - -<p>“You mentioned such a proceeding,” admits Ajax.</p> - -<p>“The law is satisfied.”</p> - -<p>“What you got in the sack, Ajax?” I yells.</p> - -<p>“I am not sure, but I think it is a hipwiggler.”</p> - -<p>“He tried to steal my sheep,” stated Doleful. “He assaulted me -and——”</p> - -<p>“Hipwiggler ——!” snorts Mighty. “He’s got a polecat in that sack. -Him and that goat are inoculated against any smell from now on and -forever. Amen.”</p> - -<p>Ajax stands there and looks foolish. He can’t smell nothing. There -is such a thing as getting too much. The goat swallers hard and -leans against Ajax. I feel sorry for the goat.</p> - -<p>“Well,” says Magpie. “you might as well take your goat, Mighty.”</p> - -<p>“Not me!” yells Mighty. “I’m off that goat forever.”</p> - -<p>“Well, it’s sort of a deadlock,” says I. “Ajax is arrested in name -only and the owner of the stolen property refuses to take it back.”</p> - -<p>Just then Judge Steele rides in from the mine. We explains things to -him, and he looks wise.</p> - -<p>“Clean case against him, judge,” states Scenery. “He’s got the goods -on him.”</p> - -<p>“Think I can’t smell?” snorts the judge. “This is an open-air case.”</p> - -<p>He pounds on his saddle-horn.</p> - -<p>“Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! This honorable court is doing business. -The prisoner will stay where he is. Are you guilty or not guilty?”</p> - -<p>“I have no idea,” says Ajax weary-like.</p> - -<p>“Prisoner, does that goat belong to Mighty Jones?”</p> - -<p>“I have no idea.”</p> - -<p>“Call it and see if it comes to you, Mighty,” suggests Magpie.</p> - -<p>“Like ——!”</p> - -<p>“Let the goat loose and see who it goes to,” suggests the judge.</p> - -<p>“Whoa!” yelps Mighty. “Don’t do that! I don’t know how he ever got -the rope on it, but I do know it’s the champion butter of the world. -You stick with it, feller, and get time off for good behavior.”</p> - -<p>“This is the same one I had yesterday,” states Ajax. “It—er—struck -the sheriff, I believe.”</p> - -<p>“Haw! haw! haw!” whoops Magpie. “It upset our sheriff something -awful.”</p> - -<p>We considers things for a while, and then the judge says:</p> - -<p>“According to my own reckoning there ain’t nothing to be done, but I -has to pass an opinion. Being as the prisoner, smelling as he does, -is of no value to the prosecution, and the plaintiff refuses to take -back his alleged property, I adjudicates thusly:</p> - -<p>“The prisoner will be banished on his own recognizance. Feller, you -better go away off some place. <i>Sabe?</i> Take your clothes and burn -’em and jump in the river or vicy versy. Given under my hand and -seal this fifth day of August in the year of our Lord, and the -County of Yaller Rock.</p> - -<p>“Now I’d admire why a freak like that does things like he’s done?”</p> - -<p>“I was desirous of observing the effects of astragalas splendens on -the genus Ovius.”</p> - -<p>“The —— you was!” snorts the judge. “Find out?”</p> - -<p>“No. I was almost prepared for the experiment when this unforeseen -contingency arose.”</p> - -<p>“My ——!” grunts Magpie. “He was sure going to do something awful.”</p> - -<p>“It is nothing to——”</p> - -<p>Ajax dropped his rope and stooped to pick it up; and didn’t finish -his sentence, ’cause that goat hit him dead center and Ajax and his -sack turned a cartwheel. The polecat came out of the sack and -tangled with the goat, and then both of them started back down the -trail towards Mighty.</p> - -<p>Mighty must ’a’ got his property back, ’cause as far as we can see -’em Mighty is still in the lead, but it’s almost a cinch the goat -will win out in the end.</p> - -<p>Ajax watches ’em for a minute and then starts for the cabin.</p> - -<p>“Wait!” snaps Magpie. “I’ll get your belongings for you.”</p> - -<p>“I am going away,” says Ajax sad-like; “going where intellect is -appreciated. I came here on a scientific mission, and I find that -research work is not appreciated.”</p> - -<p>“We may not be strong for you, Ajax, but it’s a cinch you’re too -strong for us,” says Magpie, tossing the valise to Ajax.</p> - -<p>“Good-by, Ajax,” says I. “Tell Middleton hello for us.”</p> - -<p>“I shall tell him something for myself,” says he, picking up his -valise. “Most surely I shall speak to Middleton about you both.”</p> - -<p>We watches him pilgrim down the trail, exuding odors of which there -is no imitation.</p> - -<p>“Magpie,” says the judge, “have you any idea what he wanted?”</p> - -<p>“Not in my language, judge. I’m going to write to Professor -Middleton and ask him what it is. I reckon Ajax came to the wrong -place.”</p> - -<p>“Let me know, Magpie,” squeaks Scenery. “I’d admire to hear what it -was.”</p> - -<p>We didn’t hear no more about Ajax, and about three weeks later we’re -down at Piperock and got a letter from Middleton. We got Scenery, -and the three of us went up to Judge Steele’s office.</p> - -<p>Magpie opens the letter and reads it aloud to us:</p> - - -<blockquote> -<p style='text-indent:0'>Dear Magpie and Ike:</p> -<p>Professor Green returned. Tell me about the thing he -calls a hipwiggler. He dropped some information to -Pettingill regarding it, but refuses even to nod to me. -In fact he is very reticent over the whole matter.</p> -<p>He started to tell Pettingill about the “loofmad.” -Pettingill wrote it out and happened to spell it -backward. Now Green won’t speak to Pettingill. Please -tell us why a vigilance committee in Silver Bend made -him burn his clothes, which by the way contained his -money. We are very anxious to hear all about it.</p> -<p>You ask the meaning of Green’s statement—to study the -effects of astragalas splendens on the genus Ovius.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p>Magpie’s lips move slow-like over it, and then he hands the letter -to us. The three of us bends over it and reads where he left off:</p> - -<blockquote> -<p>He meant that he wished to study the effects of -loco-weed on sheep.</p> -</blockquote> - -<p>The four of us leans back against the wall and look at each other.</p> - -<p>“Magpie,” says the judge, clearing his throat and brushing off his -vest, “Magpie, what do you think of too much education?”</p> - -<p>“On a par with astragalas splendens, judge.”</p> - -<p>“To which,” says the judge, “I will say, ‘<i>E pluribus unum.</i>’”</p> - -<p>All of which might be true, but Ajax was our first example.</p> - -<p style='margin-top:1em; text-indent:0; text-align:center; font-size:0.8em;'>THE END</p> - -<div class="tn"> - <p>Transcriber’s Note: This story appeared in - the July 10, 1922 issue of <em>Adventure</em> magazine.</p> -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AJAX, FOR EXAMPLE ***</div> -<div style='text-align:left'> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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