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diff --git a/7178-0.txt b/7178-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f94226b --- /dev/null +++ b/7178-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17442 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook of Swann’s Way, by Marcel Proust + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and +most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you +will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before +using this eBook. + +Title: Swann’s Way + Remembrance of Things Past, Volume One + +Author: Marcel Proust + +Release Date: March 22, 2003 [eBook #7178] +[Most recently updated: May 1, 2023] + +Language: English + +Produced by: Eric Eldred and David Widger + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SWANN’S WAY *** + + + + +SWANN'S WAY + +Remembrance Of Things Past, Volume One + + +By Marcel Proust + + +Translated From The French By C. K. Scott Moncrieff + +NEW YORK HENRY HOLT AND COMPANY 1922 + + + + + +Contents + + +OVERTURE + +COMBRAY + +SWANN IN LOVE + +PLACE-NAMES: THE NAME + + + + + + + +OVERTURE + +For a long time I used to go to bed early. Sometimes, when I had put out +my candle, my eyes would close so quickly that I had not even time to +say "I'm going to sleep." And half an hour later the thought that it was +time to go to sleep would awaken me; I would try to put away the book +which, I imagined, was still in my hands, and to blow out the light; I +had been thinking all the time, while I was asleep, of what I had just +been reading, but my thoughts had run into a channel of their own, +until I myself seemed actually to have become the subject of my book: +a church, a quartet, the rivalry between François I and Charles V. This +impression would persist for some moments after I was awake; it did not +disturb my mind, but it lay like scales upon my eyes and prevented them +from registering the fact that the candle was no longer burning. Then +it would begin to seem unintelligible, as the thoughts of a former +existence must be to a reincarnate spirit; the subject of my book would +separate itself from me, leaving me free to choose whether I would form +part of it or no; and at the same time my sight would return and I +would be astonished to find myself in a state of darkness, pleasant and +restful enough for the eyes, and even more, perhaps, for my mind, to +which it appeared incomprehensible, without a cause, a matter dark +indeed. + +I would ask myself what o'clock it could be; I could hear the whistling +of trains, which, now nearer and now farther off, punctuating the +distance like the note of a bird in a forest, shewed me in perspective +the deserted countryside through which a traveller would be hurrying +towards the nearest station: the path that he followed being fixed for +ever in his memory by the general excitement due to being in a strange +place, to doing unusual things, to the last words of conversation, to +farewells exchanged beneath an unfamiliar lamp which echoed still in his +ears amid the silence of the night; and to the delightful prospect of +being once again at home. + +I would lay my cheeks gently against the comfortable cheeks of my +pillow, as plump and blooming as the cheeks of babyhood. Or I would +strike a match to look at my watch. Nearly midnight. The hour when an +invalid, who has been obliged to start on a journey and to sleep in a +strange hotel, awakens in a moment of illness and sees with glad relief +a streak of daylight shewing under his bedroom door. Oh, joy of joys! +it is morning. The servants will be about in a minute: he can ring, +and some one will come to look after him. The thought of being made +comfortable gives him strength to endure his pain. He is certain he +heard footsteps: they come nearer, and then die away. The ray of light +beneath his door is extinguished. It is midnight; some one has turned +out the gas; the last servant has gone to bed, and he must lie all night +in agony with no one to bring him any help. + +I would fall asleep, and often I would be awake again for short snatches +only, just long enough to hear the regular creaking of the wainscot, or +to open my eyes to settle the shifting kaleidoscope of the darkness, +to savour, in an instantaneous flash of perception, the sleep which lay +heavy upon the furniture, the room, the whole surroundings of which I +formed but an insignificant part and whose unconsciousness I should very +soon return to share. Or, perhaps, while I was asleep I had returned +without the least effort to an earlier stage in my life, now for ever +outgrown; and had come under the thrall of one of my childish terrors, +such as that old terror of my great-uncle's pulling my curls, which was +effectually dispelled on the day--the dawn of a new era to me--on which +they were finally cropped from my head. I had forgotten that event +during my sleep; I remembered it again immediately I had succeeded in +making myself wake up to escape my great-uncle's fingers; still, as a +measure of precaution, I would bury the whole of my head in the pillow +before returning to the world of dreams. + +Sometimes, too, just as Eve was created from a rib of Adam, so a woman +would come into existence while I was sleeping, conceived from some +strain in the position of my limbs. Formed by the appetite that I was +on the point of gratifying, she it was, I imagined, who offered me that +gratification. My body, conscious that its own warmth was permeating +hers, would strive to become one with her, and I would awake. The rest +of humanity seemed very remote in comparison with this woman whose +company I had left but a moment ago: my cheek was still warm with her +kiss, my body bent beneath the weight of hers. If, as would sometimes +happen, she had the appearance of some woman whom I had known in waking +hours, I would abandon myself altogether to the sole quest of her, like +people who set out on a journey to see with their own eyes some city +that they have always longed to visit, and imagine that they can taste +in reality what has charmed their fancy. And then, gradually, the memory +of her would dissolve and vanish, until I had forgotten the maiden of my +dream. + +When a man is asleep, he has in a circle round him the chain of the +hours, the sequence of the years, the order of the heavenly host. +Instinctively, when he awakes, he looks to these, and in an instant +reads off his own position on the earth's surface and the amount of time +that has elapsed during his slumbers; but this ordered procession is apt +to grow confused, and to break its ranks. Suppose that, towards morning, +after a night of insomnia, sleep descends upon him while he is reading, +in quite a different position from that in which he normally goes to +sleep, he has only to lift his arm to arrest the sun and turn it back +in its course, and, at the moment of waking, he will have no idea of the +time, but will conclude that he has just gone to bed. Or suppose that he +gets drowsy in some even more abnormal position; sitting in an armchair, +say, after dinner: then the world will fall topsy-turvy from its orbit, +the magic chair will carry him at full speed through time and space, +and when he opens his eyes again he will imagine that he went to sleep +months earlier and in some far distant country. But for me it was enough +if, in my own bed, my sleep was so heavy as completely to relax my +consciousness; for then I lost all sense of the place in which I had +gone to sleep, and when I awoke at midnight, not knowing where I was, +I could not be sure at first who I was; I had only the most rudimentary +sense of existence, such as may lurk and flicker in the depths of an +animal's consciousness; I was more destitute of human qualities than the +cave-dweller; but then the memory, not yet of the place in which I +was, but of various other places where I had lived, and might now very +possibly be, would come like a rope let down from heaven to draw me up +out of the abyss of not-being, from which I could never have escaped +by myself: in a flash I would traverse and surmount centuries of +civilisation, and out of a half-visualised succession of oil-lamps, +followed by shirts with turned-down collars, would put together by +degrees the component parts of my ego. + +Perhaps the immobility of the things that surround us is forced upon +them by our conviction that they are themselves, and not anything else, +and by the immobility of our conceptions of them. For it always happened +that when I awoke like this, and my mind struggled in an unsuccessful +attempt to discover where I was, everything would be moving round me +through the darkness: things, places, years. My body, still too heavy +with sleep to move, would make an effort to construe the form which its +tiredness took as an orientation of its various members, so as to induce +from that where the wall lay and the furniture stood, to piece together +and to give a name to the house in which it must be living. Its memory, +the composite memory of its ribs, knees, and shoulder-blades offered it +a whole series of rooms in which it had at one time or another slept; +while the unseen walls kept changing, adapting themselves to the shape +of each successive room that it remembered, whirling madly through the +darkness. And even before my brain, lingering in consideration of when +things had happened and of what they had looked like, had collected +sufficient impressions to enable it to identify the room, it, my body, +would recall from each room in succession what the bed was like, where +the doors were, how daylight came in at the windows, whether there was a +passage outside, what I had had in my mind when I went to sleep, and had +found there when I awoke. The stiffened side underneath my body would, +for instance, in trying to fix its position, imagine itself to be lying, +face to the wall, in a big bed with a canopy; and at once I would say to +myself, "Why, I must have gone to sleep after all, and Mamma never came +to say good night!" for I was in the country with my grandfather, who +died years ago; and my body, the side upon which I was lying, loyally +preserving from the past an impression which my mind should never have +forgotten, brought back before my eyes the glimmering flame of the +night-light in its bowl of Bohemian glass, shaped like an urn and hung +by chains from the ceiling, and the chimney-piece of Siena marble in my +bedroom at Combray, in my great-aunt's house, in those far distant days +which, at the moment of waking, seemed present without being clearly +penned, but would become plainer in a little while when I was properly +awake. + +Then would come up the memory of a fresh position; the wall slid away in +another direction; I was in my room in Mme. de Saint-Loup's house in the +country; good heavens, it must be ten o'clock, they will have finished +dinner! I must have overslept myself, in the little nap which I always +take when I come in from my walk with Mme. de Saint-Loup, before +dressing for the evening. For many years have now elapsed since the +Combray days, when, coming in from the longest and latest walks, I would +still be in time to see the reflection of the sunset glowing in the +panes of my bedroom window. It is a very different kind of existence +at Tansonville now with Mme. de Saint-Loup, and a different kind of +pleasure that I now derive from taking walks only in the evenings, from +visiting by moonlight the roads on which I used to play, as a child, in +the sunshine; while the bedroom, in which I shall presently fall asleep +instead of dressing for dinner, from afar off I can see it, as we return +from our walk, with its lamp shining through the window, a solitary +beacon in the night. + +These shifting and confused gusts of memory never lasted for more than +a few seconds; it often happened that, in my spell of uncertainty as to +where I was, I did not distinguish the successive theories of which that +uncertainty was composed any more than, when we watch a horse running, +we isolate the successive positions of its body as they appear upon +a bioscope. But I had seen first one and then another of the rooms in +which I had slept during my life, and in the end I would revisit them +all in the long course of my waking dream: rooms in winter, where on +going to bed I would at once bury my head in a nest, built up out of the +most diverse materials, the corner of my pillow, the top of my blankets, +a piece of a shawl, the edge of my bed, and a copy of an evening paper, +all of which things I would contrive, with the infinite patience of +birds building their nests, to cement into one whole; rooms where, in +a keen frost, I would feel the satisfaction of being shut in from the +outer world (like the sea-swallow which builds at the end of a dark +tunnel and is kept warm by the surrounding earth), and where, the fire +keeping in all night, I would sleep wrapped up, as it were, in a great +cloak of snug and savoury air, shot with the glow of the logs which +would break out again in flame: in a sort of alcove without walls, a +cave of warmth dug out of the heart of the room itself, a zone of heat +whose boundaries were constantly shifting and altering in temperature +as gusts of air ran across them to strike freshly upon my face, from +the corners of the room, or from parts near the window or far from the +fireplace which had therefore remained cold--or rooms in summer, where +I would delight to feel myself a part of the warm evening, where the +moonlight striking upon the half-opened shutters would throw down to the +foot of my bed its enchanted ladder; where I would fall asleep, as it +might be in the open air, like a titmouse which the breeze keeps poised +in the focus of a sunbeam--or sometimes the Louis XVI room, so cheerful +that I could never feel really unhappy, even on my first night in it: +that room where the slender columns which lightly supported its ceiling +would part, ever so gracefully, to indicate where the bed was and +to keep it separate; sometimes again that little room with the high +ceiling, hollowed in the form of a pyramid out of two separate storeys, +and partly walled with mahogany, in which from the first moment my mind +was drugged by the unfamiliar scent of flowering grasses, convinced of +the hostility of the violet curtains and of the insolent indifference of +a clock that chattered on at the top of its voice as though I were not +there; while a strange and pitiless mirror with square feet, which +stood across one corner of the room, cleared for itself a site I had not +looked to find tenanted in the quiet surroundings of my normal field of +vision: that room in which my mind, forcing itself for hours on end +to leave its moorings, to elongate itself upwards so as to take on the +exact shape of the room, and to reach to the summit of that monstrous +funnel, had passed so many anxious nights while my body lay stretched +out in bed, my eyes staring upwards, my ears straining, my nostrils +sniffing uneasily, and my heart beating; until custom had changed the +colour of the curtains, made the clock keep quiet, brought an expression +of pity to the cruel, slanting face of the glass, disguised or even +completely dispelled the scent of flowering grasses, and distinctly +reduced the apparent loftiness of the ceiling. Custom! that skilful but +unhurrying manager who begins by torturing the mind for weeks on end +with her provisional arrangements; whom the mind, for all that, is +fortunate in discovering, for without the help of custom it would never +contrive, by its own efforts, to make any room seem habitable. + +Certainly I was now well awake; my body had turned about for the last +time and the good angel of certainty had made all the surrounding +objects stand still, had set me down under my bedclothes, in my bedroom, +and had fixed, approximately in their right places in the uncertain +light, my chest of drawers, my writing-table, my fireplace, the window +overlooking the street, and both the doors. But it was no good my +knowing that I was not in any of those houses of which, in the stupid +moment of waking, if I had not caught sight exactly, I could still +believe in their possible presence; for memory was now set in motion; as +a rule I did not attempt to go to sleep again at once, but used to spend +the greater part of the night recalling our life in the old days at +Combray with my great-aunt, at Balbec, Paris, Doncières, Venice, and the +rest; remembering again all the places and people that I had known, what +I had actually seen of them, and what others had told me. + +At Combray, as every afternoon ended, long before the time when I should +have to go up to bed, and to lie there, unsleeping, far from my +mother and grandmother, my bedroom became the fixed point on which my +melancholy and anxious thoughts were centred. Some one had had the happy +idea of giving me, to distract me on evenings when I seemed abnormally +wretched, a magic lantern, which used to be set on top of my lamp while +we waited for dinner-time to come: in the manner of the master-builders +and glass-painters of gothic days it substituted for the opaqueness +of my walls an impalpable iridescence, supernatural phenomena of many +colours, in which legends were depicted, as on a shifting and transitory +window. But my sorrows were only increased, because this change of +lighting destroyed, as nothing else could have done, the customary +impression I had formed of my room, thanks to which the room itself, +but for the torture of having to go to bed in it, had become quite +endurable. For now I no longer recognised it, and I became uneasy, as +though I were in a room in some hotel or furnished lodging, in a place +where I had just arrived, by train, for the first time. + +Riding at a jerky trot, Golo, his mind filled with an infamous design, +issued from the little three-cornered forest which dyed dark-green the +slope of a convenient hill, and advanced by leaps and bounds towards the +castle of poor Geneviève de Brabant. This castle was cut off short by +a curved line which was in fact the circumference of one of the +transparent ovals in the slides which were pushed into position through +a slot in the lantern. It was only the wing of a castle, and in front +of it stretched a moor on which Geneviève stood, lost in contemplation, +wearing a blue girdle. The castle and the moor were yellow, but I could +tell their colour without waiting to see them, for before the slides +made their appearance the old-gold sonorous name of Brabant had given +me an unmistakable clue. Golo stopped for a moment and listened sadly to +the little speech read aloud by my great-aunt, which he seemed perfectly +to understand, for he modified his attitude with a docility not devoid +of a degree of majesty, so as to conform to the indications given in the +text; then he rode away at the same jerky trot. And nothing could arrest +his slow progress. If the lantern were moved I could still distinguish +Golo's horse advancing across the window-curtains, swelling out with +their curves and diving into their folds. The body of Golo himself, +being of the same supernatural substance as his steed's, overcame all +material obstacles--everything that seemed to bar his way--by taking +each as it might be a skeleton and embodying it in himself: the +door-handle, for instance, over which, adapting itself at once, would +float invincibly his red cloak or his pale face, never losing its +nobility or its melancholy, never shewing any sign of trouble at such a +transubstantiation. + +And, indeed, I found plenty of charm in these bright projections, which +seemed to have come straight out of a Merovingian past, and to shed +around me the reflections of such ancient history. But I cannot express +the discomfort I felt at such an intrusion of mystery and beauty into +a room which I had succeeded in filling with my own personality until +I thought no more of the room than of myself. The anaesthetic effect +of custom being destroyed, I would begin to think and to feel very +melancholy things. The door-handle of my room, which was different to +me from all the other doorhandles in the world, inasmuch as it seemed to +open of its own accord and without my having to turn it, so unconscious +had its manipulation become; lo and behold, it was now an astral body +for Golo. And as soon as the dinner-bell rang I would run down to the +dining-room, where the big hanging lamp, ignorant of Golo and Bluebeard +but well acquainted with my family and the dish of stewed beef, shed the +same light as on every other evening; and I would fall into the arms of +my mother, whom the misfortunes of Geneviève de Brabant had made all the +dearer to me, just as the crimes of Golo had driven me to a more than +ordinarily scrupulous examination of my own conscience. + +But after dinner, alas, I was soon obliged to leave Mamma, who stayed +talking with the others, in the garden if it was fine, or in the little +parlour where everyone took shelter when it was wet. Everyone except my +grandmother, who held that "It is a pity to shut oneself indoors in the +country," and used to carry on endless discussions with my father on the +very wettest days, because he would send me up to my room with a book +instead of letting me stay out of doors. "That is not the way to make +him strong and active," she would say sadly, "especially this little +man, who needs all the strength and character that he can get." My +father would shrug his shoulders and study the barometer, for he took an +interest in meteorology, while my mother, keeping very quiet so as not +to disturb him, looked at him with tender respect, but not too hard, +not wishing to penetrate the mysteries of his superior mind. But my +grandmother, in all weathers, even when the rain was coming down in +torrents and Françoise had rushed indoors with the precious wicker +armchairs, so that they should not get soaked--you would see my +grandmother pacing the deserted garden, lashed by the storm, pushing +back her grey hair in disorder so that her brows might be more free to +imbibe the life-giving draughts of wind and rain. She would say, "At +last one can breathe!" and would run up and down the soaking paths--too +straight and symmetrical for her liking, owing to the want of any +feeling for nature in the new gardener, whom my father had been asking +all morning if the weather were going to improve--with her keen, jerky +little step regulated by the various effects wrought upon her soul by +the intoxication of the storm, the force of hygiene, the stupidity of +my education and of symmetry in gardens, rather than by any anxiety (for +that was quite unknown to her) to save her plum-coloured skirt from the +spots of mud under which it would gradually disappear to a depth which +always provided her maid with a fresh problem and filled her with fresh +despair. + +When these walks of my grandmother's took place after dinner there was +one thing which never failed to bring her back to the house: that was if +(at one of those points when the revolutions of her course brought her, +moth-like, in sight of the lamp in the little parlour where the liqueurs +were set out on the card-table) my great-aunt called out to her: +"Bathilde! Come in and stop your husband from drinking brandy!" For, +simply to tease her (she had brought so foreign a type of mind into my +father's family that everyone made a joke of it), my great-aunt used to +make my grandfather, who was forbidden liqueurs, take just a few drops. +My poor grandmother would come in and beg and implore her husband not to +taste the brandy; and he would become annoyed and swallow his few drops +all the same, and she would go out again sad and discouraged, but still +smiling, for she was so humble and so sweet that her gentleness towards +others, and her continual subordination of herself and of her own +troubles, appeared on her face blended in a smile which, unlike those +seen on the majority of human faces, had no trace in it of irony, save +for herself, while for all of us kisses seemed to spring from her eyes, +which could not look upon those she loved without yearning to bestow +upon them passionate caresses. The torments inflicted on her by my +great-aunt, the sight of my grandmother's vain entreaties, of her in +her weakness conquered before she began, but still making the futile +endeavour to wean my grandfather from his liqueur-glass--all these +were things of the sort to which, in later years, one can grow so well +accustomed as to smile at them, to take the tormentor's side with a. +happy determination which deludes one into the belief that it is not, +really, tormenting; but in those days they filled me with such horror +that I longed to strike my great-aunt. And yet, as soon as I heard her +"Bathilde! Come in and stop your husband from drinking brandy!" in my +cowardice I became at once a man, and did what all we grown men do when +face to face with suffering and injustice; I preferred not to see them; +I ran up to the top of the house to cry by myself in a little room +beside the schoolroom and beneath the roof, which smelt of orris-root, +and was scented also by a wild currant-bush which had climbed up between +the stones of the outer wall and thrust a flowering branch in through +the half-opened window. Intended for a more special and a baser use, +this room, from which, in the daytime, I could see as far as the keep of +Roussainville-le-Pin, was for a long time my place of refuge, doubtless +because it was the only room whose door Ï was allowed to lock, whenever +my occupation was such as required an inviolable solitude; reading or +dreaming, secret tears or paroxysms of desire. Alas! I little knew +that my own lack of will-power, my delicate health, and the consequent +uncertainty as to my future weighed far more heavily on my grandmother's +mind than any little breach of the rules by her husband, during those +endless perambulations, afternoon and evening, in which we used to see +passing up and down, obliquely raised towards the heavens, her handsome +face with its brown and wrinkled cheeks, which with age had acquired +almost the purple hue of tilled fields in autumn, covered, if she were +walking abroad, by a half-lifted veil, while upon them either the +cold or some sad reflection invariably left the drying traces of an +involuntary tear. + +My sole consolation when I went upstairs for the night was that Mamma +would come in and kiss me after I was in bed. But this good night lasted +for so short a time: she went down again so soon that the moment in +which I heard her climb the stairs, and then caught the sound of her +garden dress of blue muslin, from which hung little tassels of plaited +straw, rustling along the double-doored corridor, was for me a moment +of the keenest sorrow. So much did I love that good night that I reached +the stage of hoping that it would come as late as possible, so as +to prolong the time of respite during which Mamma would not yet have +appeared. Sometimes when, after kissing me, she opened the door to go, I +longed to call her back, to say to her "Kiss me just once again," but +I knew that then she would at once look displeased, for the concession +which she made to my wretchedness and agitation in coming up to me with +this kiss of peace always annoyed my father, who thought such ceremonies +absurd, and she would have liked to try to induce me to outgrow the +need, the custom of having her there at all, which was a very different +thing from letting the custom grow up of my asking her for an additional +kiss when she was already crossing the threshold. And to see her look +displeased destroyed all the sense of tranquillity she had brought me a +moment before, when she bent her loving face down over my bed, and held +it out to me like a Host, for an act of Communion in which my lips might +drink deeply the sense of her real presence, and with it the power to +sleep. But those evenings on which Mamma stayed so short a time in +my room were sweet indeed compared to those on which we had guests +to dinner, and therefore she did not come at all. Our 'guests' +were practically limited to M. Swann, who, apart from a few passing +strangers, was almost the only person who ever came to the house at +Combray, sometimes to a neighbourly dinner (but less frequently since +his unfortunate marriage, as my family did not care to receive his wife) +and sometimes after dinner, uninvited. On those evenings when, as we sat +in front of the house beneath the big chestnut-tree and round the iron +table, we heard, from the far end of the garden, not the large and +noisy rattle which heralded and deafened as he approached with its +ferruginous, interminable, frozen sound any member of the household who +had put it out of action by coming in 'without ringing,' but the double +peal--timid, oval, gilded--of the visitors' bell, everyone would at once +exclaim "A visitor! Who in the world can it be?" but they knew quite +well that it could only be M. Swann. My great-aunt, speaking in a loud +voice, to set an example, in a tone which she endeavoured to make sound +natural, would tell the others not to whisper so; that nothing could be +more unpleasant for a stranger coming in, who would be led to think that +people were saying things about him which he was not meant to hear; and +then my grandmother would be sent out as a scout, always happy to find +an excuse for an additional turn in the garden, which she would utilise +to remove surreptitiously, as she passed, the stakes of a rose-tree or +two, so as to make the roses look a little more natural, as a mother +might run her hand through her boy's hair, after the barber had smoothed +it down, to make it stick out properly round his head. + +And there we would all stay, hanging on the words which would fall from +my grandmother's lips when she brought us back her report of the +enemy, as though there had been some uncertainty among a vast number of +possible invaders, and then, soon after, my grandfather would say: "I +can hear Swann's voice." And, indeed, one could tell him only by his +voice, for it was difficult to make out his face with its arched nose +and green eyes, under a high forehead fringed with fair, almost red +hair, dressed in the Bressant style, because in the garden we used as +little light as possible, so as not to attract mosquitoes: and I would +slip away as though not going for anything in particular, to tell them +to bring out the syrups; for my grandmother made a great point, thinking +it 'nicer' of their not being allowed to seem anything out of the +ordinary, which we kept for visitors only. Although a far younger man, +M. Swann was very much attached to my grandfather, who had been an +intimate friend, in his time, of Swann's father, an excellent but an +eccentric man in whom the least little thing would, it seemed, often +check the flow of his spirits and divert the current of his thoughts. +Several times in the course of a year I would hear my grandfather tell +at table the story, which never varied, of the behaviour of M. Swann the +elder upon the death of his wife, by whose bedside he had watched +day and night. My grandfather, who had not seen him for a long time, +hastened to join him at the Swanns' family property on the outskirts of +Combray, and managed to entice him for a moment, weeping profusely, out +of the death-chamber, so that he should not be present when the body was +laid in its coffin. They took a turn or two in the park, where there was +a little sunshine. Suddenly M. Swann seized my grandfather by the arm +and cried, "Oh, my dear old friend, how fortunate we are to be walking +here together on such a charming day! Don't you see how pretty they are, +all these trees--my hawthorns, and my new pond, on which you have never +congratulated me? You look as glum as a night-cap. Don't you feel this +little breeze? Ah! whatever you may say, it's good to be alive all the +same, my dear Amédée!" And then, abruptly, the memory of his dead wife +returned to him, and probably thinking it too complicated to inquire +into how, at such a time, he could have allowed himself to be carried +away by an impulse of happiness, he confined himself to a gesture which +he habitually employed whenever any perplexing question came into his +mind: that is, he passed his hand across his forehead, dried his eyes, +and wiped his glasses. And he could never be consoled for the loss of +his wife, but used to say to my grandfather, during the two years for +which he survived her, "It's a funny thing, now; I very often think +of my poor wife, but I cannot think of her very much at any one time." +"Often, but a little at a time, like poor old Swann," became one of my +grandfather's favourite phrases, which he would apply to all kinds of +things. And I should have assumed that this father of Swann's had been +a monster if my grandfather, whom I regarded as a better judge than +myself, and whose word was my law and often led me in the long run to +pardon offences which I should have been inclined to condemn, had not +gone on to exclaim, "But, after all, he had a heart of gold." + +For many years, albeit--and especially before his marriage--M. Swann +the younger came often to see them at Combray, my great-aunt and +grandparents never suspected that he had entirely ceased to live in the +kind of society which his family had frequented, or that, under the +sort of incognito which the name of Swann gave him among us, they were +harbouring--with the complete innocence of a family of honest innkeepers +who have in their midst some distinguished highwayman and never know +it--one of the smartest members of the Jockey Club, a particular friend +of the Comte de Paris and of the Prince of Wales, and one of the +men most sought after in the aristocratic world of the Faubourg +Saint-Germain. + +Our utter ignorance of the brilliant part which Swann was playing in +the world of fashion was, of course, due in part to his own reserve and +discretion, but also to the fact that middle-class people in those days +took what was almost a Hindu view of society, which they held to consist +of sharply defined castes, so that everyone at his birth found himself +called to that station in life which his parents already occupied, +and nothing, except the chance of a brilliant career or of a 'good' +marriage, could extract you from that station or admit you to a superior +caste. M. Swann, the father, had been a stockbroker; and so 'young +Swann' found himself immured for life in a caste where one's fortune, as +in a list of taxpayers, varied between such and such limits of income. +We knew the people with whom his father had associated, and so we knew +his own associates, the people with whom he was 'in a position to mix.' +If he knew other people besides, those were youthful acquaintances on +whom the old friends of the family, like my relatives, shut their eyes +all the more good-naturedly that Swann himself, after he was left an +orphan, still came most faithfully to see us; but we would have been +ready to wager that the people outside our acquaintance whom Swann knew +were of the sort to whom he would not have dared to raise his hat, had +he met them while he was walking with ourselves. Had there been such a +thing as a determination to apply to Swann a social coefficient peculiar +to himself, as distinct from all the other sons of other stockbrokers in +his father's position, his coefficient would have been rather lower than +theirs, because, leading a very simple life, and having always had +a craze for 'antiques' and pictures, he now lived and piled up his +collections in an old house which my grandmother longed to visit, +but which stood on the Quai d'Orléans, a neighbourhood in which my +great-aunt thought it most degrading to be quartered. "Are you really +a connoisseur, now?" she would say to him; "I ask for your own sake, as +you are likely to have 'fakes' palmed off on you by the dealers," for +she did not, in fact, endow him with any critical faculty, and had no +great opinion of the intelligence of a man who, in conversation, would +avoid serious topics and shewed a very dull preciseness, not only when +he gave us kitchen recipes, going into the most minute details, but +even when my grandmother's sisters were talking to him about art. When +challenged by them to give an opinion, or to express his admiration for +some picture, he would remain almost impolitely silent, and would then +make amends by furnishing (if he could) some fact or other about the +gallery in which the picture was hung, or the date at which it had been +painted. But as a rule he would content himself with trying to amuse +us by telling us the story of his latest adventure--and he would have +a fresh story for us on every occasion--with some one whom we ourselves +knew, such as the Combray chemist, or our cook, or our coachman. These +stories certainly used to make my great-aunt laugh, but she could +never tell whether that was on account of the absurd parts which Swann +invariably made himself play in the adventures, or of the wit that he +shewed in telling us of them. "It is easy to see that you are a regular +'character,' M. Swann!" + +As she was the only member of our family who could be described as a +trifle 'common,' she would always take care to remark to strangers, when +Swann was mentioned, that he could easily, if he had wished to, have +lived in the Boulevard Haussmann or the Avenue de l'Opéra, and that +he was the son of old M. Swann who must have left four or five million +francs, but that it was a fad of his. A fad which, moreover, she thought +was bound to amuse other people so much that in Paris, when M. Swann +called on New Year's Day bringing her a little packet of _marrons +glacés_, she never failed, if there were strangers in the room, to say +to him: "Well, M. Swann, and do you still live next door to the Bonded +Vaults, so as to be sure of not missing your train when you go to +Lyons?" and she would peep out of the corner of her eye, over her +glasses, at the other visitors. + +But if anyone had suggested to my aunt that this Swann, who, in his +capacity as the son of old M. Swann, was 'fully qualified' to be +received by any of the 'upper middle class,' the most respected +barristers and solicitors of Paris (though he was perhaps a trifle +inclined to let this hereditary privilege go into abeyance), had another +almost secret existence of a wholly different kind: that when he left +our house in Paris, saying that he must go home to bed, he would no +sooner have turned the corner than he would stop, retrace his steps, and +be off to some drawing-room on whose like no stockbroker or associate +of stockbrokers had ever set eyes--that would have seemed to my aunt +as extraordinary as, to a woman of wider reading, the thought of being +herself on terms of intimacy with Aristaeus, of knowing that he would, +when he had finished his conversation with her, plunge deep into the +realms of Thetis, into an empire veiled from mortal eyes, in which +Virgil depicts him as being received with open arms; or--to be content +with an image more likely to have occurred to her, for she had seen it +painted on the plates we used for biscuits at Combray--as the thought +of having had to dinner Ali Baba, who, as soon as he found himself alone +and unobserved, would make his way into the cave, resplendent with its +unsuspected treasures. + +One day when he had come to see us after dinner in Paris, and had begged +pardon for being in evening clothes, Françoise, when he had gone, told +us that she had got it from his coachman that he had been dining "with a +princess." "A pretty sort of princess," drawled my aunt; "I know +them," and she shrugged her shoulders without raising her eyes from her +knitting, serenely ironical. + +Altogether, my aunt used to treat him with scant ceremony. Since she was +of the opinion that he ought to feel flattered by our invitations, she +thought it only right and proper that he should never come to see us in +summer without a basket of peaches or raspberries from his garden, +and that from each of his visits to Italy he should bring back some +photographs of old masters for me. + +It seemed quite natural, therefore, to send to him whenever we wanted +a recipe for some special sauce or for a pineapple salad for one of +our big dinner-parties, to which he himself would not be invited, not +seeming of sufficient importance to be served up to new friends who +might be in our house for the first time. If the conversation turned +upon the Princes of the House of France, "Gentlemen, you and I will +never know, will we, and don't want to, do we?" my great-aunt would +say tartly to Swann, who had, perhaps, a letter from Twickenham in his +pocket; she would make him play accompaniments and turn over music on +evenings when my grandmother's sister sang; manipulating this creature, +so rare and refined at other times and in other places, with the rough +simplicity of a child who will play with some curio from the cabinet no +more carefully than if it were a penny toy. Certainly the Swann who was +a familiar figure in all the clubs of those days differed hugely from, +the Swann created in my great-aunt's mind when, of an evening, in our +little garden at Combray, after the two shy peals had sounded from the +gate, she would vitalise, by injecting into it everything she had ever +heard about the Swann family, the vague and unrecognisable shape which +began to appear, with my grandmother in its wake, against a background +of shadows, and could at last be identified by the sound of its voice. +But then, even in the most insignificant details of our daily life, none +of us can be said to constitute a material whole, which is identical for +everyone, and need only be turned up like a page in an account-book or +the record of a will; our social personality is created by the thoughts +of other people. Even the simple act which we describe as "seeing some +one we know" is, to some extent, an intellectual process. We pack the +physical outline of the creature we see with all the ideas we have +already formed about him, and in the complete picture of him which we +compose in our minds those ideas have certainly the principal place. In +the end they come to fill out so completely the curve of his cheeks, to +follow so exactly the line of his nose, they blend so harmoniously in +the sound of his voice that these seem to be no more than a transparent +envelope, so that each time we see the face or hear the voice it is our +own ideas of him which we recognise and to which we listen. And so, no +doubt, from the Swann they had built up for their own purposes my family +had left out, in their ignorance, a whole crowd of the details of his +daily life in the world of fashion, details by means of which other +people, when they met him, saw all the Graces enthroned in his face and +stopping at the line of his arched nose as at a natural frontier; but +they contrived also to put into a face from which its distinction had +been evicted, a face vacant and roomy as an untenanted house, to plant +in the depths of its unvalued eyes a lingering sense, uncertain but not +unpleasing, half-memory and half-oblivion, of idle hours spent together +after our weekly dinners, round the card-table or in the garden, during +our companionable country life. Our friend's bodily frame had been so +well lined with this sense, and with various earlier memories of his +family, that their own special Swann had become to my people a complete +and living creature; so that even now I have the feeling of leaving +some one I know for another quite different person when, going back in +memory, I pass from the Swann whom I knew later and more intimately +to this early Swann--this early Swann in whom I can distinguish the +charming mistakes of my childhood, and who, incidentally, is less like +his successor than he is like the other people I knew at that time, as +though one's life were a series of galleries in which all the portraits +of any one period had a marked family likeness, the same (so to speak) +tonality--this early Swann abounding in leisure, fragrant with the scent +of the great chestnut-tree, of baskets of raspberries and of a sprig of +tarragon. + +And yet one day, when my grandmother had gone to ask some favour of a +lady whom she had known at the Sacré Coeur (and with whom, because of +our caste theory, she had not cared to keep up any degree of intimacy in +spite of several common interests), the Marquise de Villeparisis, of the +famous house of Bouillon, this lady had said to her: + +"I think you know M. Swann very well; he is a great friend of my +nephews, the des Laumes." + +My grandmother had returned from the call full of praise for the house, +which overlooked some gardens, and in which Mme. de Villeparisis had +advised her to rent a flat; and also for a repairing tailor and his +daughter, who kept a little shop in the courtyard, into which she had +gone to ask them to put a stitch in her skirt, which she had torn on the +staircase. My grandmother had found these people perfectly charming: the +girl, she said, was a jewel, and the tailor a most distinguished man, +the finest she had ever seen. For in her eyes distinction was a thing +wholly independent of social position. She was in ecstasies over some +answer the tailor had made, saying to Mamma: + +"Sévigné would not have said it better!" and, by way of contrast, of a +nephew of Mme. de Villeparisis whom she had met at the house: + +"My dear, he is so common!" + +Now, the effect of that remark about Swann had been, not to raise him +in my great-aunt's estimation, but to lower Mme. de Villeparisis. It +appeared that the deference which, on my grandmother's authority, we +owed to Mme. de Villeparisis imposed on her the reciprocal obligation to +do nothing that would render her less worthy of our regard, and that +she had failed in her duty in becoming aware of Swann's existence and +in allowing members of her family to associate with him. "How should +she know Swann? A lady who, you always made out, was related to Marshal +MacMahon!" This view of Swann's social atmosphere which prevailed in my +family seemed to be confirmed later on by his marriage with a woman of +the worst class, you might almost say a 'fast' woman, whom, to do him +justice, he never attempted to introduce to us, for he continued to come +to us alone, though he came more and more seldom; but from whom they +thought they could establish, on the assumption that he had found her +there, the circle, unknown to them, in which he ordinarily moved. + +But on one occasion my grandfather read in a newspaper that M. Swann was +one of the most faithful attendants at the Sunday luncheons given by the +Duc de X----, whose father and uncle had been among our most prominent +statesmen in the reign of Louis Philippe. Now my grandfather was curious +to learn all the little details which might help him to take a mental +share in the private lives of men like Mole, the Duc Pasquier, or the +Duc de Broglie. He was delighted to find that Swann associated with +people who had known them. My great-aunt, however, interpreted this +piece of news in a sense discreditable to Swann; for anyone who chose +his associates outside the caste in which he had been born and bred, +outside his 'proper station,' was condemned to utter degradation in her +eyes. It seemed to her that such a one abdicated all claim to enjoy the +fruits of those friendly relations with people of good position which +prudent parents cultivate and store up for their children's benefit, for +my great-aunt had actually ceased to 'see' the son of a lawyer we +had known because he had married a 'Highness' and had thereby stepped +down--in her eyes--from the respectable position of a lawyer's son to +that of those adventurers, upstart footmen or stable-boys mostly, +to whom we read that queens have sometimes shewn their favours. She +objected, therefore, to my grandfather's plan of questioning Swann, when +next he came to dine with us, about these people whose friendship with +him we had discovered. On the other hand, my grandmother's two sisters, +elderly spinsters who shared her nobility of character but lacked her +intelligence, declared that they could not conceive what pleasure their +brother-in-law could find in talking about such trifles. They were +ladies of lofty ambition, who for that reason were incapable of taking +the least interest in what might be called the 'pinchbeck' things of +life, even when they had an historic value, or, generally speaking, in +anything that was not directly associated with some object aesthetically +precious. So complete was their negation of interest in anything which +seemed directly or indirectly a part of our everyday life that their +sense of hearing--which had gradually come to understand its own +futility when the tone of the conversation, at the dinner-table, became +frivolous or merely mundane, without the two old ladies' being able to +guide it back to the topic dear to themselves--would leave its receptive +channels unemployed, so effectively that they were actually becoming +atrophied. So that if my grandfather wished to attract the attention of +the two sisters, he would have to make use of some such alarm signals +as mad-doctors adopt in dealing with their distracted patients; as by +beating several times on a glass with the blade of a knife, fixing them +at the same time with a sharp word and a compelling glance, violent +methods which the said doctors are apt to bring with them into their +everyday life among the sane, either from force of professional habit or +because they think the whole world a trifle mad. + +Their interest grew, however, when, the day before Swann was to dine +with us, and when he had made them a special present of a case of Asti, +my great-aunt, who had in her hand a copy of the _Figaro_ in which to +the name of a picture then on view in a Corot exhibition were added the +words, "from the collection of M. Charles Swann," asked: "Did you see +that Swann is 'mentioned' in the _Figaro_?" + +"But I have always told you," said my grandmother, "that he had plenty +of taste." + +"You would, of course," retorted my great-aunt, "say anything just to +seem different from _us_." For, knowing that my grandmother never agreed +with her, and not being quite confident that it was her own opinion +which the rest of us invariably endorsed, she wished to extort from us +a wholesale condemnation of my grandmother's views, against which she +hoped to force us into solidarity with her own. + +But we sat silent. My grandmother's sisters having expressed a desire +to mention to Swann this reference to him in the _Figaro_, my great-aunt +dissuaded them. Whenever she saw in others an advantage, however +trivial, which she herself lacked, she would persuade herself that it +was no advantage at all, but a drawback, and would pity so as not to +have to envy them. + +"I don't think that would please him at all; I know very well, I should +hate to see my name printed like that, as large as life, in the paper, +and I shouldn't feel at all flattered if anyone spoke to me about it." + +She did not, however, put any very great pressure upon my grandmother's +sisters, for they, in their horror of vulgarity, had brought to such a +fine art the concealment of a personal allusion in a wealth of ingenious +circumlocution, that it would often pass unnoticed even by the person +to whom it was addressed. As for my mother, her only thought was of +managing to induce my father to consent to speak to Swann, not of his +wife, but of his daughter, whom he worshipped, and for whose sake it was +understood that he had ultimately made his unfortunate marriage. + +"You need only say a word; just ask him how she is. It must be so very +hard for him." + +My father, however, was annoyed: "No, no; you have the most absurd +ideas. It would be utterly ridiculous." + +But the only one of us in whom the prospect of Swann's arrival gave +rise to an unhappy foreboding was myself. And that was because on the +evenings when there were visitors, or just M. Swann in the house, Mamma +did not come up to my room. I did not, at that time, have dinner with +the family: I came out to the garden after dinner, and at nine I said +good night and went to bed. But on these evenings I used to dine earlier +than the others, and to come in afterwards and sit at table until eight +o'clock, when it was understood that I must go upstairs; that frail and +precious kiss which Mamma used always to leave upon my lips when I +was in bed and just going to sleep I had to take with me from the +dining-room to my own, and to keep inviolate all the time that it +took me to undress, without letting its sweet charm be broken, without +letting its volatile essence diffuse itself and evaporate; and just on +those very evenings when I must needs take most pains to receive it with +due formality, I had to snatch it, to seize it instantly and in public, +without even having the time or being properly free to apply to what I +was doing the punctiliousness which madmen use who compel themselves to +exclude all other thoughts from their minds while they are shutting a +door, so that when the sickness of uncertainty sweeps over them again +they can triumphantly face and overcome it with the recollection of the +precise moment in which the door was shut. + +We were all in the garden when the double peal of the gate-bell sounded +shyly. Everyone knew that it must be Swann, and yet they looked at one +another inquiringly and sent my grandmother scouting. + +"See that you thank him intelligibly for the wine," my grandfather +warned his two sisters-in-law; "you know how good it is, and it is a +huge case." + +"Now, don't start whispering!" said my great-aunt. "How would you like +to come into a house and find everyone muttering to themselves?" + +"Ah! There's M. Swann," cried my father. "Let's ask him if he thinks it +will be fine to-morrow." + +My mother fancied that a word from her would wipe out all the +unpleasantness which my family had contrived to make Swann feel since +his marriage. She found an opportunity to draw him aside for a moment. +But I followed her: I could not bring myself to let her go out of reach +of me while I felt that in a few minutes I should have to leave her in +the dining-room and go up to my bed without the consoling thought, as on +ordinary evenings, that she would come up, later, to kiss me. + +"Now, M. Swann," she said, "do tell me about your daughter; I am sure +she shews a taste already for nice things, like her papa." + +"Come along and sit down here with us all on the verandah," said my +grandfather, coming up to him. My mother had to abandon the quest, but +managed to extract from the restriction itself a further refinement of +thought, as great poets do when the tyranny of rhyme forces them into +the discovery of their finest lines. + +"We can talk about her again when we are by ourselves," she said, or +rather whispered to Swann. "It is only a mother who can understand. I am +sure that hers would agree with me." + +And so we all sat down round the iron table. I should have liked not +to think of the hours of anguish which I should have to spend, that +evening, alone in my room, without the possibility of going to sleep: I +tried to convince myself that they were of no importance, really, +since I should have forgotten them next morning, and to fix my mind on +thoughts of the future which would carry me, as on a bridge, across the +terrifying abyss that yawned at my feet. But my mind, strained by this +foreboding, distended like the look which I shot at my mother, would not +allow any other impression to enter. Thoughts did, indeed, enter it, +but only on the condition that they left behind them every element of +beauty, or even of quaintness, by which I might have been distracted or +beguiled. As a surgical patient, by means of a local anaesthetic, can +look on with a clear consciousness while an operation is being performed +upon him and yet feel nothing, I could repeat to myself some favourite +lines, or watch my grandfather attempting to talk to Swann about the Duc +d'Audriffet-Pasquier, without being able to kindle any emotion from one +or amusement from the other. Hardly had my grandfather begun to question +Swann about that orator when one of my grandmother's sisters, in whose +ears the question echoed like a solemn but untimely silence which her +natural politeness bade her interrupt, addressed the other with: + +"Just fancy, Flora, I met a young Swedish governess to-day who told +me some most interesting things about the co-operative movement in +Scandinavia. We really must have her to dine here one evening." + +"To be sure!" said her sister Flora, "but I haven't wasted my time +either. I met such a clever old gentleman at M. Vinteuil's who knows +Maubant quite well, and Maubant has told him every little thing about +how he gets up his parts. It is the most interesting thing I ever heard. +He is a neighbour of M. Vinteuil's, and I never knew; and he is so nice +besides." + +"M. Vinteuil is not the only one who has nice neighbours," cried my aunt +Céline in a voice which seemed loud because she was so timid, and seemed +forced because she had been planning the little speech for so long; +darting, as she spoke, what she called a 'significant glance' at Swann. +And my aunt Flora, who realised that this veiled utterance was Céline's +way of thanking Swann intelligibly for the Asti, looked at him with a +blend of congratulation and irony, either just, because she wished to +underline her sister's little epigram, or because she envied Swann +his having inspired it, or merely because she imagined that he was +embarrassed, and could not help having a little fun at his expense. + +"I think it would be worth while," Flora went on, "to have this old +gentleman to dinner. When you get him upon Maubant or Mme. Materna he +will talk for hours on end." + +"That must be delightful," sighed my grandfather, in whose mind nature +had unfortunately forgotten to include any capacity whatsoever for +becoming passionately interested in the co-operative movement among the +ladies of Sweden or in the methods employed by Maubant to get up his +parts, just as it had forgotten to endow my grandmother's two sisters +with a grain of that precious salt which one has oneself to 'add to +taste' in order to extract any savour from a narrative of the private +life of Mole or of the Comte de Paris. + +"I say!" exclaimed Swann to my grandfather, "what I was going to tell +you has more to do than you might think with what you were asking me +just now, for in some respects there has been very little change. I came +across a passage in Saint-Simon this morning which would have amused +you. It is in the volume which covers his mission to Spain; not one +of the best, little more in fact than a journal, but at least it is a +journal wonderfully well written, which fairly distinguishes it from +the devastating journalism that we feel bound to read in these days, +morning, noon and night." + +"I do not agree with you: there are some days when I find reading the +papers very pleasant indeed!" my aunt Flora broke in, to show Swann that +she had read the note about his Corot in the _Figaro_. + +"Yes," aunt Céline went one better. "When they write about things or +people in whom we are interested." + +"I don't deny it," answered Swann in some bewilderment. "The fault I +find with our journalism is that it forces us to take an interest in +some fresh triviality or other every day, whereas only three or four +books in a lifetime give us anything that is of real importance. Suppose +that, every morning, when we tore the wrapper off our paper with fevered +hands, a transmutation were to take place, and we were to find inside +it--oh! I don't know; shall we say Pascal's _Pensées_?" He articulated +the title with an ironic emphasis so as not to appear pedantic. "And +then, in the gilt and tooled volumes which we open once in ten years," +he went on, shewing that contempt for the things of this world which +some men of the world like to affect, "we should read that the Queen of +the Hellenes had arrived at Cannes, or that the Princesse de Léon had +given a fancy dress ball. In that way we should arrive at the right +proportion between 'information' and 'publicity.'" But at once +regretting that he had allowed himself to speak, even in jest, of +serious matters, he added ironically: "We are having a most entertaining +conversation; I cannot think why we climb to these lofty summits," and +then, turning to my grandfather: "Well, Saint-Simon tells how Maulevrier +had had the audacity to offer his hand to his sons. You remember how he +says of Maulevrier, 'Never did I find in that coarse bottle anything but +ill-humour, boorishness, and folly.'" + +"Coarse or not, I know bottles in which there is something very +different!" said Flora briskly, feeling bound to thank Swann as well as +her sister, since the present of Asti had been addressed to them both. +Céline began to laugh. + +Swann was puzzled, but went on: "'I cannot say whether it was his +ignorance or a trap,' writes Saint-Simon; 'he wished to give his hand to +my children. I noticed it in time to prevent him.'" + +My grandfather was already in ecstasies over "ignorance or a trap," +but Miss Céline--the name of Saint-Simon, a 'man of letters,' having +arrested the complete paralysis of her sense of hearing--had grown +angry. + +"What! You admire that, do you? Well, it is clever enough! But what is +the point of it? Does he mean that one man isn't as good as another? +What difference can it make whether he is a duke or a groom so long +as he is intelligent and good? He had a fine way of bringing up his +children, your Saint-Simon, if he didn't teach them to shake hands with +all honest men. Really and truly, it's abominable. And you dare to quote +it!" + +And my grandfather, utterly depressed, realising how futile it would be +for him, against this opposition, to attempt to get Swann to tell him +the stories which would have amused him, murmured to my mother: "Just +tell me again that line of yours which always comforts me so much on +these occasions. Oh, yes: + + + What virtues, Lord, Thou makest us abhor! + +Good, that is, very good." + +I never took my eyes off my mother. I knew that when they were at table +I should not be permitted to stay there for the whole of dinner-time, +and that Mamma, for fear of annoying my father, would not allow me to +give her in public the series of kisses that she would have had in my +room. And so I promised myself that in the dining-room, as they began +to eat and drink and as I felt the hour approach, I would put beforehand +into this kiss, which was bound to be so brief and stealthy in +execution, everything that my own efforts could put into it: would +look out very carefully first the exact spot on her cheek where I would +imprint it, and would so prepare my thoughts that I might be able, +thanks to these mental preliminaries, to consecrate the whole of the +minute Mamma would allow me to the sensation of her cheek against my +lips, as a painter who can have his subject for short sittings only +prepares his palette, and from what he remembers and from rough notes +does in advance everything which he possibly can do in the sitter's +absence. But to-night, before the dinner-bell had sounded, my +grandfather said with unconscious cruelty: "The little man looks tired; +he'd better go up to bed. Besides, we are dining late to-night." + +And my father, who was less scrupulous than my grandmother or mother in +observing the letter of a treaty, went on: "Yes, run along; to bed with +you." + +I would have kissed Mamma then and there, but at that moment the +dinner-bell rang. + +"No, no, leave your mother alone. You've said good night quite enough. +These exhibitions are absurd. Go on upstairs." + +And so I must set forth without viaticum; must climb each step of the +staircase 'against my heart,' as the saying is, climbing in opposition +to my heart's desire, which was to return to my mother, since she had +not, by her kiss, given my heart leave to accompany me forth. That +hateful staircase, up which I always passed with such dismay, gave out +a smell of varnish which had to some extent absorbed, made definite and +fixed the special quality of sorrow that I felt each evening, and made +it perhaps even more cruel to my sensibility because, when it assumed +this olfactory guise, my intellect was powerless to resist it. When we +have gone to sleep with a maddening toothache and are conscious of it +only as a little girl whom we attempt, time after time, to pull out +of the water, or as a line of Molière which we repeat incessantly to +ourselves, it is a great relief to wake up, so that our intelligence +can disentangle the idea of toothache from any artificial semblance of +heroism or rhythmic cadence. It was the precise converse of this relief +which I felt when my anguish at having to go up to my room invaded my +consciousness in a manner infinitely more rapid, instantaneous almost, +a manner at once insidious and brutal as I breathed in--a far more +poisonous thing than any moral penetration--the peculiar smell of the +varnish upon that staircase. + +Once in my room I had to stop every loophole, to close the shutters, to +dig my own grave as I turned down the bed-clothes, to wrap myself in the +shroud of my nightshirt. But before burying myself in the iron bed which +had been placed there because, on summer nights, I was too hot among the +red curtains of the four-poster, I was stirred to revolt, and attempted +the desperate stratagem of a condemned prisoner. I wrote to my mother +begging her to come upstairs for an important reason which I could not +put in writing. My fear was that Françoise, my aunt's cook who used to +be put in charge of me when I was at Combray, might refuse to take my +note. I had a suspicion that, in her eyes, to carry a message to +my mother when there was a stranger in the room would appear flatly +inconceivable, just as it would be for the door-keeper of a theatre +to hand a letter to an actor upon the stage. For things which might +or might not be done she possessed a code at once imperious, abundant, +subtle, and uncompromising on points themselves imperceptible or +irrelevant, which gave it a resemblance to those ancient laws which +combine such cruel ordinances as the massacre of infants at the breast +with prohibitions, of exaggerated refinement, against "seething the kid +in his mother's milk," or "eating of the sinew which is upon the hollow +of the thigh." This code, if one could judge it by the sudden obstinacy +which she would put into her refusal to carry out certain of our +instructions, seemed to have foreseen such social complications and +refinements of fashion as nothing in Françoise's surroundings or in her +career as a servant in a village household could have put into her head; +and we were obliged to assume that there was latent in her some past +existence in the ancient history of France, noble and little understood, +just as there is in those manufacturing towns where old mansions still +testify to their former courtly days, and chemical workers toil among +delicately sculptured scenes of the Miracle of Theophilus or the Quatre +Fils Aymon. + +In this particular instance, the article of her code which made it +highly improbable that--barring an outbreak of fire--Françoise would +go down and disturb Mamma when M. Swann was there for so unimportant a +person as myself was one embodying the respect she shewed not only for +the family (as for the dead, for the clergy, or for royalty), but also +for the stranger within our gates; a respect which I should perhaps have +found touching in a book, but which never failed to irritate me on her +lips, because of the solemn and gentle tones in which she would utter +it, and which irritated me more than usual this evening when the sacred +character in which she invested the dinner-party might have the effect +of making her decline to disturb its ceremonial. But to give myself one +chance of success I lied without hesitation, telling her that it was not +in the least myself who had wanted to write to Mamma, but Mamma who, +on saying good night to me, had begged me not to forget to send her +an answer about something she had asked me to find, and that she would +certainly be very angry if this note were not taken to her. I think that +Françoise disbelieved me, for, like those primitive men whose senses +were so much keener than our own, she could immediately detect, by signs +imperceptible by the rest of us, the truth or falsehood of anything that +we might wish to conceal from her. She studied the envelope for five +minutes as though an examination of the paper itself and the look of +my handwriting could enlighten her as to the nature of the contents, +or tell her to which article of her code she ought to refer the matter. +Then she went out with an air of resignation which seemed to imply: +"What a dreadful thing for parents to have a child like this!" + +A moment later she returned to say that they were still at the ice stage +and that it was impossible for the butler to deliver the note at once, +in front of everybody; but that when the finger-bowls were put round he +would find a way of slipping it into Mamma's hand. At once my anxiety +subsided; it was now no longer (as it had been a moment ago) until +to-morrow that I had lost my mother, for my little line was going--to +annoy her, no doubt, and doubly so because this contrivance would make +me ridiculous in Swann's eyes--but was going all the same to admit me, +invisibly and by stealth, into the same room as herself, was going +to whisper from me into her ear; for that forbidden and unfriendly +dining-room, where but a moment ago the ice itself--with burned nuts in +it--and the finger-bowls seemed to me to be concealing pleasures that +were mischievous and of a mortal sadness because Mamma was tasting of +them and I was far away, had opened its doors to me and, like a ripe +fruit which bursts through its skin, was going to pour out into my +intoxicated heart the gushing sweetness of Mamma's attention while she +was reading what I had written. Now I was no longer separated from her; +the barriers were down; an exquisite thread was binding us. Besides, +that was not all, for surely Mamma would come. + +As for the agony through which I had just passed, I imagined that Swann +would have laughed heartily at it if he had read my letter and had +guessed its purpose; whereas, on the contrary, as I was to learn in due +course, a similar anguish had been the bane of his life for many years, +and no one perhaps could have understood my feelings at that moment so +well as himself; to him, that anguish which lies in knowing that the +creature one adores is in some place of enjoyment where oneself is not +and cannot follow--to him that anguish came through Love, to which it +is in a sense predestined, by which it must be equipped and adapted; but +when, as had befallen me, such an anguish possesses one's soul before +Love has yet entered into one's life, then it must drift, awaiting +Love's coming, vague and free, without precise attachment, at the +disposal of one sentiment to-day, of another to-morrow, of filial piety +or affection for a comrade. And the joy with which I first bound myself +apprentice, when Françoise returned to tell me that my letter would be +delivered; Swann, too, had known well that false joy which a friend can +give us, or some relative of the woman we love, when on his arrival at +the house or theatre where she is to be found, for some ball or party or +'first-night' at which he is to meet her, he sees us wandering outside, +desperately awaiting some opportunity of communicating with her. He +recognises us, greets us familiarly, and asks what we are doing there. +And when we invent a story of having some urgent message to give to his +relative or friend, he assures us that nothing could be more simple, +takes us in at the door, and promises to send her down to us in five +minutes. How much we love him--as at that moment I loved Françoise--the +good-natured intermediary who by a single word has made supportable, +human, almost propitious the inconceivable, infernal scene of gaiety in +the thick of which we had been imagining swarms of enemies, perverse and +seductive, beguiling away from us, even making laugh at us, the woman +whom we love. If we are to judge of them by him, this relative who has +accosted us and who is himself an initiate in those cruel mysteries, +then the other guests cannot be so very demoniacal. Those inaccessible +and torturing hours into which she had gone to taste of unknown +pleasures--behold, a breach in the wall, and we are through it. Behold, +one of the moments whose series will go to make up their sum, a moment +as genuine as the rest, if not actually more important to ourself +because our mistress is more intensely a part of it; we picture it to +ourselves, we possess it, we intervene upon it, almost we have created +it: namely, the moment in which he goes to tell her that we are waiting +there below. And very probably the other moments of the party will not +be essentially different, will contain nothing else so exquisite or so +well able to make us suffer, since this kind friend has assured us that +"Of course, she will be delighted to come down! It will be far more +amusing for her to talk to you than to be bored up there." Alas! Swann +had learned by experience that the good intentions of a third party are +powerless to control a woman who is annoyed to find herself pursued even +into a ball-room by a man whom she does not love. Too often, the kind +friend comes down again alone. + +My mother did not appear, but with no attempt to safeguard my +self-respect (which depended upon her keeping up the fiction that she +had asked me to let her know the result of my search for something +or other) made Françoise tell me, in so many words "There is no +answer"--words I have so often, since then, heard the hall-porters in +'mansions' and the flunkeys in gambling-clubs and the like, repeat to +some poor girl, who replies in bewilderment: "What! he's said nothing? +It's not possible. You did give him my letter, didn't you? Very well, +I shall wait a little longer." And just as she invariably protests that +she does not need the extra gas which the porter offers to light for +her, and sits on there, hearing nothing further, except an occasional +remark on the weather which the porter exchanges with a messenger +whom he will send off suddenly, when he notices the time, to put some +customer's wine on the ice; so, having declined Françoise's offer to +make me some tea or to stay beside me, I let her go off again to the +servants' hall, and lay down and shut my eyes, and tried not to hear the +voices of my family who were drinking their coffee in the garden. + +But after a few seconds I realised that, by writing that line to Mamma, +by approaching--at the risk of making her angry--so near to her that I +felt I could reach out and grasp the moment in which I should see her +again, I had cut myself off from the possibility of going to sleep +until I actually had seen her, and my heart began to beat more and more +painfully as I increased my agitation by ordering myself to keep calm +and to acquiesce in my ill-fortune. Then, suddenly, my anxiety subsided, +a feeling of intense happiness coursed through me, as when a strong +medicine begins to take effect and one's pain vanishes: I had formed a +resolution to abandon all attempts to go to sleep without seeing Mamma, +and had decided to kiss her at all costs, even with the certainty of +being in disgrace with her for long afterwards, when she herself came +up to bed. The tranquillity which followed my anguish made me extremely +alert, no less than my sense of expectation, my thirst for and my fear +of danger. + +Noiselessly I opened the window and sat down on the foot of my bed; +hardly daring to move in case they should hear me from below. Things +outside seemed also fixed in mute expectation, so as not to disturb the +moonlight which, duplicating each of them and throwing it back by the +extension, forwards, of a shadow denser and more concrete than its +substance, had made the whole landscape seem at once thinner and longer, +like a map which, after being folded up, is spread out upon the ground. +What had to move--a leaf of the chestnut-tree, for instance--moved. But +its minute shuddering, complete, finished to the least detail and with +utmost delicacy of gesture, made no discord with the rest of the scene, +and yet was not merged in it, remaining clearly outlined. Exposed upon +this surface of silence, which absorbed nothing from them, the most +distant sounds, those which must have come from gardens at the far end +of the town, could be distinguished with such exact 'finish' that the +impression they gave of coming from a distance seemed due only to their +'pianissimo' execution, like those movements on muted strings so well +performed by the orchestra of the Conservatoire that, although one does +not lose a single note, one thinks all the same that they are being +played somewhere outside, a long way from the concert hall, so that all +the old subscribers, and my grandmother's sisters too, when Swann had +given them his seats, used to strain their ears as if they had caught +the distant approach of an army on the march, which had not yet rounded +the corner of the Rue de Trévise. + +I was well aware that I had placed myself in a position than which +none could be counted upon to involve me in graver consequences at my +parents' hands; consequences far graver, indeed, than a stranger would +have imagined, and such as (he would have thought) could follow only +some really shameful fault. But in the system of education which they +had given me faults were not classified in the same order as in that of +other children, and I had been taught to place at the head of the list +(doubtless because there was no other class of faults from which +I needed to be more carefully protected) those in which I can now +distinguish the common feature that one succumbs to them by yielding to +a nervous impulse. But such words as these last had never been uttered +in my hearing; no one had yet accounted for my temptations in a way +which might have led me to believe that there was some excuse for my +giving in to them, or that I was actually incapable of holding out +against them. Yet I could easily recognise this class of transgressions +by the anguish of mind which preceded, as well as by the rigour of the +punishment which followed them; and I knew that what I had just done was +in the same category as certain other sins for which I had been severely +chastised, though infinitely more serious than they. When I went out to +meet my mother as she herself came up to bed, and when she saw that I +had remained up so as to say good night to her again in the passage, +I should not be allowed to stay in the house a day longer, I should be +packed off to school next morning; so much was certain. Very good: had +I been obliged, the next moment, to hurl myself out of the window, +I should still have preferred such a fate. For what I wanted now was +Mamma, and to say good night to her. I had gone too far along the road +which led to the realisation of this desire to be able to retrace my +steps. + +I could hear my parents' footsteps as they went with Swann; and, when +the rattle of the gate assured me that he had really gone, I crept to +the window. Mamma was asking my father if he had thought the lobster +good, and whether M. Swann had had some of the coffee-and-pistachio ice. +"I thought it rather so-so," she was saying; "next time we shall have to +try another flavour." + +"I can't tell you," said my great-aunt, "what a change I find in Swann. +He is quite antiquated!" She had grown so accustomed to seeing Swann +always in the same stage of adolescence that it was a shock to her to +find him suddenly less young than the age she still attributed to him. +And the others too were beginning to remark in Swann that abnormal, +excessive, scandalous senescence, meet only in a celibate, in one of +that class for whom it seems that the great day which knows no morrow +must be longer than for other men, since for such a one it is void of +promise, and from its dawn the moments steadily accumulate without any +subsequent partition among his offspring. + +"I fancy he has a lot of trouble with that wretched wife of his, who +'lives' with a certain Monsieur de Charlus, as all Combray knows. It's +the talk of the town." + +My mother observed that, in spite of this, he had looked much less +unhappy of late. "And he doesn't nearly so often do that trick of his, +so like his father, of wiping his eyes and passing his hand across his +forehead. I think myself that in his heart of hearts he doesn't love his +wife any more." + +"Why, of course he doesn't," answered my grandfather. "He wrote me a +letter about it, ages ago, to which I took care to pay no attention, but +it left no doubt as to his feelings, let alone his love for his wife. +Hullo! you two; you never thanked him for the Asti!" he went on, turning +to his sisters-in-law. + +"What! we never thanked him? I think, between you and me, that I put it +to him quite neatly," replied my aunt Flora. + +"Yes, you managed it very well; I admired you for it," said my aunt +Céline. + +"But you did it very prettily, too." + +"Yes; I liked my expression about 'nice neighbours.'" + +"What! Do you call that thanking him?" shouted my grandfather. "I heard +that all right, but devil take me if I guessed it was meant for Swann. +You may be quite sure he never noticed it." + +"Come, come; Swann is not a fool. I am positive he appreciated the +compliment. You didn't expect me to tell him the number of bottles, or +to guess what he paid for them." + +My father and mother were left alone and sat down for a moment; then my +father said: "Well, shall we go up to bed?" + +"As you wish, dear, though I don't feel in the least like sleeping. I +don't know why; it can't be the coffee-ice--it wasn't strong enough to +keep me awake like this. But I see a light in the servants' hall: poor +Françoise has been sitting up for me, so I will get her to unhook me +while you go and undress." + +My mother opened the latticed door which led from the hall to the +staircase. Presently I heard her coming upstairs to close her window. I +went quietly into the passage; my heart was beating so violently that I +could hardly move, but at least it was throbbing no longer with anxiety, +but with terror and with joy. I saw in the well of the stair a light +coming upwards, from Mamma's candle. Then I saw Mamma herself: I threw +myself upon her. For an instant she looked at me in astonishment, not +realising what could have happened. Then her face assumed an expression +of anger. She said not a single word to me; and, for that matter, I used +to go for days on end without being spoken to, for far less offences +than this. A single word from Mamma would have been an admission that +further intercourse with me was within the bounds of possibility, +and that might perhaps have appeared to me more terrible still, as +indicating that, with such a punishment as was in store for me, mere +silence, and even anger, were relatively puerile. + +A word from her then would have implied the false calm in which one +converses with a servant to whom one has just decided to give notice; +the kiss one bestows on a son who is being packed off to enlist, which +would have been denied him if it had merely been a matter of being +angry with him for a few days. But she heard my father coming from the +dressing-room, where he had gone to take off his clothes, and, to avoid +the 'scene' which he would make if he saw me, she said, in a voice +half-stifled by her anger: "Run away at once. Don't let your father see +you standing there like a crazy jane!" + +But I begged her again to "Come and say good night to me!" terrified as +I saw the light from my father's candle already creeping up the wall, +but also making use of his approach as a means of blackmail, in the hope +that my mother, not wishing him to find me there, as find me he must +if she continued to hold out, would give in to me, and say: "Go back to +your room. I will come." + +Too late: my father was upon us. Instinctively I murmured, though no one +heard me, "I am done for!" + +I was not, however. My father used constantly to refuse to let me do +things which were quite clearly allowed by the more liberal charters +granted me by my mother and grandmother, because he paid no heed to +'Principles,' and because in his sight there were no such things as +'Rights of Man.' For some quite irrelevant reason, or for no reason at +all, he would at the last moment prevent me from taking some particular +walk, one so regular and so consecrated to my use that to deprive me of +it was a clear breach of faith; or again, as he had done this evening, +long before the appointed hour he would snap out: "Run along up to +bed now; no excuses!" But then again, simply because he was devoid +of principles (in my grandmother's sense), so he could not, properly +speaking, be called inexorable. He looked at me for a moment with an air +of annoyance and surprise, and then when Mamma had told him, not without +some embarrassment, what had happened, said to her: "Go along with him, +then; you said just now that you didn't feel like sleep, so stay in his +room for a little. I don't need anything." + +"But dear," my mother answered timidly, "whether or not I feel like +sleep is not the point; we must not make the child accustomed..." + +"There's no question of making him accustomed," said my father, with +a shrug of the shoulders; "you can see quite well that the child is +unhappy. After all, we aren't gaolers. You'll end by making him ill, +and a lot of good that will do. There are two beds in his room; tell +Françoise to make up the big one for you, and stay beside him for the +rest of the night. I'm off to bed, anyhow; I'm not nervous like you. +Good night." + +It was impossible for me to thank my father; what he called my +sentimentality would have exasperated him. I stood there, not daring +to move; he was still confronting us, an immense figure in his white +nightshirt, crowned with the pink and violet scarf of Indian cashmere +in which, since he had begun to suffer from neuralgia, he used to tie up +his head, standing like Abraham in the engraving after Benozzo Gozzoli +which M. Swann had given me, telling Sarah that she must tear herself +away from Isaac. Many years have passed since that night. The wall of +the staircase, up which I had watched the light of his candle gradually +climb, was long ago demolished. And in myself, too, many things have +perished which, I imagined, would last for ever, and new structures have +arisen, giving birth to new sorrows and new joys which in those days +I could not have foreseen, just as now the old are difficult of +comprehension. It is a long time, too, since my father has been able +to tell Mamma to "Go with the child." Never again will such hours be +possible for me. But of late I have been increasingly able to catch, if +I listen attentively, the sound of the sobs which I had the strength to +control in my father's presence, and which broke out only when I found +myself alone with Mamma. Actually, their echo has never ceased: it is +only because life is now growing more and more quiet round about me that +I hear them afresh, like those convent bells which are so effectively +drowned during the day by the noises of the streets that one would +suppose them to have been stopped for ever, until they sound out again +through the silent evening air. + +Mamma spent that night in my room: when I had just committed a sin so +deadly that I was waiting to be banished from the household, my parents +gave me a far greater concession than I should ever have won as the +reward of a good action. Even at the moment when it manifested itself in +this crowning mercy, my father's conduct towards me was still somewhat +arbitrary, and regardless of my deserts, as was characteristic of him +and due to the fact that his actions were generally dictated by chance +expediencies rather than based on any formal plan. And perhaps even what +I called his strictness, when he sent me off to bed, deserved that +title less, really, than my mother's or grandmother's attitude, for his +nature, which in some respects differed more than theirs from my own, +had probably prevented him from guessing, until then, how wretched I was +every evening, a thing which my mother and grandmother knew well; but +they loved me enough to be unwilling to spare me that suffering, +which they hoped to teach me to overcome, so as to reduce my nervous +sensibility and to strengthen my will. As for my father, whose affection +for me was of another kind, I doubt if he would have shewn so much +courage, for as soon as he had grasped the fact that I was unhappy he +had said to my mother: "Go and comfort him." Mamma stayed all night in +my room, and it seemed that she did not wish to mar by recrimination +those hours, so different from anything that I had had a right to +expect; for when Françoise (who guessed that something extraordinary +must have happened when she saw Mamma sitting by my side, holding my +hand and letting me cry unchecked) said to her: "But, Madame, what is +little Master crying for?" she replied: "Why, Françoise, he doesn't know +himself: it is his nerves. Make up the big bed for me quickly and then +go off to your own." And thus for the first time my unhappiness was +regarded no longer as a fault for which I must be punished, but as +an involuntary evil which had been officially recognised a nervous +condition for which I was in no way responsible: I had the consolation +that I need no longer mingle apprehensive scruples with the bitterness +of my tears; I could weep henceforward without sin. I felt no small +degree of pride, either, in Françoise's presence at this return to humane +conditions which, not an hour after Mamma had refused to come up to my +room and had sent the snubbing message that I was to go to sleep, raised +me to the dignity of a grown-up person, brought me of a sudden to a sort +of puberty of sorrow, to emancipation from tears. I ought then to have +been happy; I was not. It struck me that my mother had just made a first +concession which must have been painful to her, that it was a first step +down from the ideal she had formed for me, and that for the first time +she, with all her courage, had to confess herself beaten. It struck +me that if I had just scored a victory it was over her; that I had +succeeded, as sickness or sorrow or age might have succeeded, in +relaxing her will, in altering her judgment; that this evening opened +a new era, must remain a black date in the calendar. And if I had dared +now, I should have said to Mamma: "No, I don't want you; you mustn't +sleep here." But I was conscious of the practical wisdom, of what +would be called nowadays the realism with which she tempered the ardent +idealism of my grandmother's nature, and I knew that now the mischief +was done she would prefer to let me enjoy the soothing pleasure of +her company, and not to disturb my father again. Certainly my mother's +beautiful features seemed to shine again with youth that evening, as she +sat gently holding my hands and trying to check my tears; but, just for +that reason, it seemed to me that this should not have happened; her +anger would have been less difficult to endure than this new kindness +which my childhood had not known; I felt that I had with an impious and +secret finger traced a first wrinkle upon her soul and made the first +white hair shew upon her head. This thought redoubled my sobs, and then +I saw that Mamma, who had never allowed herself to go to any length +of tenderness with me, was suddenly overcome by my tears and had to +struggle to keep back her own. Then, as she saw that I had noticed +this, she said to me, with a smile: "Why, my little buttercup, my little +canary-boy, he's going to make Mamma as silly as himself if this goes +on. Look, since you can't sleep, and Mamma can't either, we mustn't +go on in this stupid way; we must do something; I'll get one of your +books." But I had none there. "Would you like me to get out the books +now that your grandmother is going to give you for your birthday? Just +think it over first, and don't be disappointed if there is nothing new +for you then." + +I was only too delighted, and Mamma went to find a parcel of books +in which I could not distinguish, through the paper in which it was +wrapped, any more than its squareness and size, but which, even at this +first glimpse, brief and obscure as it was, bade fair to eclipse already +the paint-box of last New Year's Day and the silkworms of the year +before. It contained _La Mare au Diable_, _François le Champi_, _La +Petite Fadette_, and _Les Maîtres Sonneurs_. My grandmother, as I +learned afterwards, had at first chosen Mussel's poems, a volume of +Rousseau, and _Indiana_; for while she considered light reading as +unwholesome as sweets and cakes, she did not reflect that the strong +breath of genius must have upon the very soul of a child an influence +at once more dangerous and less quickening than those of fresh air and +country breezes upon his body. But when my father had seemed almost to +regard her as insane on learning the names of the books she proposed +to give me, she had journeyed back by herself to Jouy-le-Vicomte to +the bookseller's, so that there should be no fear of my not having my +present in time (it was a burning hot day, and she had come home so +unwell that the doctor had warned my mother not to allow her again +to tire herself in that way), and had there fallen back upon the four +pastoral novels of George Sand. + +"My dear," she had said to Mamma, "I could not allow myself to give the +child anything that was not well written." + +The truth was that she could never make up her mind to purchase anything +from which no intellectual profit was to be derived, and, above all, +that profit which good things bestowed on us by teaching us to seek our +pleasures elsewhere than in the barren satisfaction of worldly wealth. +Even when she had to make some one a present of the kind called +'useful,' when she had to give an armchair or some table-silver or +a walking-stick, she would choose 'antiques,' as though their long +desuetude had effaced from them any semblance of utility and fitted +them rather to instruct us in the lives of the men of other days than +to serve the common requirements of our own. She would have liked me to +have in my room photographs of ancient buildings or of beautiful places. +But at the moment of buying them, and for all that the subject of the +picture had an aesthetic value of its own, she would find that vulgarity +and utility had too prominent a part in them, through the mechanical +nature of their reproduction by photography. She attempted by a +subterfuge, if not to eliminate altogether their commercial banality, +at least to minimise it, to substitute for the bulk of it what was +art still, to introduce, as it might be, several 'thicknesses' of +art; instead of photographs of Chartres Cathedral, of the Fountains +of Saint-Cloud, or of Vesuvius she would inquire of Swann whether some +great painter had not made pictures of them, and preferred to give me +photographs of 'Chartres Cathedral' after Corot, of the 'Fountains of +Saint-Cloud' after Hubert Robert, and of 'Vesuvius' after Turner, which +were a stage higher in the scale of art. But although the photographer +had been prevented from reproducing directly the masterpieces or the +beauties of nature, and had there been replaced by a great artist, he +resumed his odious position when it came to reproducing the artist's +interpretation. Accordingly, having to reckon again with vulgarity, +my grandmother would endeavour to postpone the moment of contact still +further. She would ask Swann if the picture had not been engraved, +preferring, when possible, old engravings with some interest of +association apart from themselves, such, for example, as shew us a +masterpiece in a state in which we can no longer see it to-day, as +Morghen's print of the 'Cenacolo' of Leonardo before it was spoiled +by restoration. It must be admitted that the results of this method of +interpreting the art of making presents were not always happy. The idea +which I formed of Venice, from a drawing by Titian which is supposed to +have the lagoon in the background, was certainly far less accurate than +what I have since derived from ordinary photographs. We could no +longer keep count in the family (when my great-aunt tried to frame an +indictment of my grandmother) of all the armchairs she had presented +to married couples, young and old, which on a first attempt to sit down +upon them had at once collapsed beneath the weight of their recipient. +But my grandmother would have thought it sordid to concern herself too +closely with the solidity of any piece of furniture in which could still +be discerned a flourish, a smile, a brave conceit of the past. And +even what in such pieces supplied a material need, since it did so in a +manner to which we are no longer accustomed, was as charming to her as +one of those old forms of speech in which we can still see traces of a +metaphor whose fine point has been worn away by the rough usage of our +modern tongue. In precisely the same way the pastoral novels of George +Sand, which she was giving me for my birthday, were regular lumber-rooms +of antique furniture, full of expressions that have fallen out of use +and returned as imagery, such as one finds now only in country dialects. +And my grandmother had bought them in preference to other books, just as +she would have preferred to take a house that had a gothic dovecot, or +some other such piece of antiquity as would have a pleasant effect on +the mind, filling it with a nostalgic longing for impossible journeys +through the realms of time. + +Mamma sat down by my bed; she had chosen _François le Champi_, whose +reddish cover and incomprehensible title gave it a distinct personality +in my eyes and a mysterious attraction. I had not then read any real +novels. I had heard it said that George Sand was a typical novelist. +That prepared me in advance to imagine that _François le Champi_ +contained something inexpressibly delicious. The course of the +narrative, where it tended to arouse curiosity or melt to pity, certain +modes of expression which disturb or sadden the reader, and which, with +a little experience, he may recognise as 'common form' in novels, seemed +to me then distinctive--for to me a new book was not one of a number of +similar objects, but was like an individual man, unmatched, and with no +cause of existence beyond himself--an intoxicating whiff of the peculiar +essence of _François le Champi_. Beneath the everyday incidents, the +commonplace thoughts and hackneyed words, I could hear, or overhear, an +intonation, a rhythmic utterance fine and strange. The 'action' began: +to me it seemed all the more obscure because in those days, when I read +to myself, I used often, while I turned the pages, to dream of something +quite different. And to the gaps which this habit made in my knowledge +of the story more were added by the fact that when it was Mamma who was +reading to me aloud she left all the love-scenes out. And so all the odd +changes which take place in the relations between the miller's wife and +the boy, changes which only the birth and growth of love can explain, +seemed to me plunged and steeped in a mystery, the key to which (as I +could readily believe) lay in that strange and pleasant-sounding name of +_Champi_, which draped the boy who bore it, I knew not why, in its own +bright colour, purpurate and charming. If my mother was not a faithful +reader, she was, none the less, admirable when reading a work in which +she found the note of true feeling by the respectful simplicity of her +interpretation and by the sound of her sweet and gentle voice. It was +the same in her daily life, when it was not works of art but men and +women whom she was moved to pity or admire: it was touching to observe +with what deference she would banish from her voice, her gestures, from +her whole conversation, now the note of joy which might have distressed +some mother who had long ago lost a child, now the recollection of an +event or anniversary which might have reminded some old gentleman of the +burden of his years, now the household topic which might have bored some +young man of letters. And so, when she read aloud the prose of George +Sand, prose which is everywhere redolent of that generosity and moral +distinction which Mamma had learned from my grandmother to place above +all other qualities in life, and which I was not to teach her until +much later to refrain from placing, in the same way, above all other +qualities in literature; taking pains to banish from her voice any +weakness or affectation which might have blocked its channel for that +powerful stream of language, she supplied all the natural tenderness, +all the lavish sweetness which they demanded to phrases which seemed +to have been composed for her voice, and which were all, so to speak, +within her compass. She came to them with the tone that they required, +with the cordial accent which existed before they were, which dictated +them, but which is not to be found in the words themselves, and by these +means she smoothed away, as she read on, any harshness there might be +or discordance in the tenses of verbs, endowing the imperfect and the +preterite with all the sweetness which there is in generosity, all the +melancholy which there is in love; guided the sentence that was drawing +to an end towards that which was waiting to begin, now hastening, now +slackening the pace of the syllables so as to bring them, despite their +difference of quantity, into a uniform rhythm, and breathed into this +quite ordinary prose a kind of life, continuous and full of feeling. + +My agony was soothed; I let myself be borne upon the current of this +gentle night on which I had my mother by my side. I knew that such a +night could not be repeated; that the strongest desire I had in the +world, namely, to keep my mother in my room through the sad hours of +darkness, ran too much counter to general requirements and to the wishes +of others for such a concession as had been granted me this evening to +be anything but a rare and casual exception. To-morrow night I should +again be the victim of anguish and Mamma would not stay by my side. But +when these storms of anguish grew calm I could no longer realise +their existence; besides, tomorrow evening was still a long way off; +I reminded myself that I should still have time to think about things, +albeit that remission of time could bring me no access of power, albeit +the coming event was in no way dependent upon the exercise of my will, +and seemed not quite inevitable only because it was still separated from +me by this short interval. + +* * * + +And so it was that, for a long time afterwards, when I lay awake at +night and revived old memories of Combray, I saw no more of it than +this sort of luminous panel, sharply defined against a vague and shadowy +background, like the panels which a Bengal fire or some electric sign +will illuminate and dissect from the front of a building the other +parts of which remain plunged in darkness: broad enough at its base, the +little parlour, the dining-room, the alluring shadows of the path along +which would come M. Swann, the unconscious author of my sufferings, the +hall through which I would journey to the first step of that staircase, +so hard to climb, which constituted, all by itself, the tapering +'elevation' of an irregular pyramid; and, at the summit, my bedroom, +with the little passage through whose glazed door Mamma would enter; +in a word, seen always at the same evening hour, isolated from all +its possible surroundings, detached and solitary against its shadowy +background, the bare minimum of scenery necessary (like the setting +one sees printed at the head of an old play, for its performance in +the provinces) to the drama of my undressing, as though all Combray had +consisted of but two floors joined by a slender staircase, and as though +there had been no time there but seven o'clock at night. I must own +that I could have assured any questioner that Combray did include other +scenes and did exist at other hours than these. But since the facts +which I should then have recalled would have been prompted only by an +exercise of the will, by my intellectual memory, and since the pictures +which that kind of memory shews us of the past preserve nothing of +the past itself, I should never have had any wish to ponder over this +residue of Combray. To me it was in reality all dead. + +Permanently dead? Very possibly. + +There is a large element of hazard in these matters, and a second +hazard, that of our own death, often prevents us from awaiting for any +length of time the favours of the first. + +I feel that there is much to be said for the Celtic belief that the +souls of those whom we have lost are held captive in some inferior +being, in an animal, in a plant, in some inanimate object, and so +effectively lost to us until the day (which to many never comes) when we +happen to pass by the tree or to obtain possession of the object which +forms their prison. Then they start and tremble, they call us by our +name, and as soon as we have recognised their voice the spell is broken. +We have delivered them: they have overcome death and return to share our +life. + +And so it is with our own past. It is a labour in vain to attempt to +recapture it: all the efforts of our intellect must prove futile. +The past is hidden somewhere outside the realm, beyond the reach of +intellect, in some material object (in the sensation which that material +object will give us) which we do not suspect. And as for that object, +it depends on chance whether we come upon it or not before we ourselves +must die. + +Many years had elapsed during which nothing of Combray, save what was +comprised in the theatre and the drama of my going to bed there, had +any existence for me, when one day in winter, as I came home, my +mother, seeing that I was cold, offered me some tea, a thing I did +not ordinarily take. I declined at first, and then, for no particular +reason, changed my mind. She sent out for one of those short, plump +little cakes called 'petites madeleines,' which look as though they +had been moulded in the fluted scallop of a pilgrim's shell. And soon, +mechanically, weary after a dull day with the prospect of a depressing +morrow, I raised to my lips a spoonful of the tea in which I had soaked +a morsel of the cake. No sooner had the warm liquid, and the crumbs with +it, touched my palate than a shudder ran through my whole body, and I +stopped, intent upon the extraordinary changes that were taking place. +An exquisite pleasure had invaded my senses, but individual, detached, +with no suggestion of its origin. And at once the vicissitudes of life +had become indifferent to me, its disasters innocuous, its brevity +illusory--this new sensation having had on me the effect which love has +of filling me with a precious essence; or rather this essence was not +in me, it was myself. I had ceased now to feel mediocre, accidental, +mortal. Whence could it have come to me, this all-powerful joy? I was +conscious that it was connected with the taste of tea and cake, but that +it infinitely transcended those savours, could not, indeed, be of the +same nature as theirs. Whence did it come? What did it signify? How +could I seize upon and define it? + +I drink a second mouthful, in which I find nothing more than in the +first, a third, which gives me rather less than the second. It is time +to stop; the potion is losing its magic. It is plain that the object +of my quest, the truth, lies not in the cup but in myself. The tea has +called up in me, but does not itself understand, and can only repeat +indefinitely with a gradual loss of strength, the same testimony; which +I, too, cannot interpret, though I hope at least to be able to call upon +the tea for it again and to find it there presently, intact and at my +disposal, for my final enlightenment. I put down my cup and examine my +own mind. It is for it to discover the truth. But how? What an abyss +of uncertainty whenever the mind feels that some part of it has strayed +beyond its own borders; when it, the seeker, is at once the dark region +through which it must go seeking, where all its equipment will avail it +nothing. Seek? More than that: create. It is face to face with something +which does not so far exist, to which it alone can give reality and +substance, which it alone can bring into the light of day. + +And I begin again to ask myself what it could have been, this +unremembered state which brought with it no logical proof of its +existence, but only the sense that it was a happy, that it was a +real state in whose presence other states of consciousness melted and +vanished. I decide to attempt to make it reappear. I retrace my thoughts +to the moment at which I drank the first spoonful of tea. I find again +the same state, illumined by no fresh light. I compel my mind to make +one further effort, to follow and recapture once again the fleeting +sensation. And that nothing may interrupt it in its course I shut out +every obstacle, every extraneous idea, I stop my ears and inhibit all +attention to the sounds which come from the next room. And then, feeling +that my mind is growing fatigued without having any success to report, +I compel it for a change to enjoy that distraction which I have just +denied it, to think of other things, to rest and refresh itself before +the supreme attempt. And then for the second time I clear an empty +space in front of it. I place in position before my mind's eye the still +recent taste of that first mouthful, and I feel something start within +me, something that leaves its resting-place and attempts to rise, +something that has been embedded like an anchor at a great depth; I +do not know yet what it is, but I can feel it mounting slowly; I can +measure the resistance, I can hear the echo of great spaces traversed. + +Undoubtedly what is thus palpitating in the depths of my being must +be the image, the visual memory which, being linked to that taste, has +tried to follow it into my conscious mind. But its struggles are too +far off, too much confused; scarcely can I perceive the colourless +reflection in which are blended the uncapturable whirling medley of +radiant hues, and I cannot distinguish its form, cannot invite it, as +the one possible interpreter, to translate to me the evidence of its +contemporary, its inseparable paramour, the taste of cake soaked in tea; +cannot ask it to inform me what special circumstance is in question, of +what period in my past life. + +Will it ultimately reach the clear surface of my consciousness, this +memory, this old, dead moment which the magnetism of an identical moment +has travelled so far to importune, to disturb, to raise up out of the +very depths of my being? I cannot tell. Now that I feel nothing, it has +stopped, has perhaps gone down again into its darkness, from which who +can say whether it will ever rise? Ten times over I must essay the task, +must lean down over the abyss. And each time the natural laziness which +deters us from every difficult enterprise, every work of importance, has +urged me to leave the thing alone, to drink my tea and to think merely +of the worries of to-day and of my hopes for to-morrow, which let +themselves be pondered over without effort or distress of mind. + +And suddenly the memory returns. The taste was that of the little crumb +of madeleine which on Sunday mornings at Combray (because on those +mornings I did not go out before church-time), when I went to say good +day to her in her bedroom, my aunt Léonie used to give me, dipping it +first in her own cup of real or of lime-flower tea. The sight of the +little madeleine had recalled nothing to my mind before I tasted it; +perhaps because I had so often seen such things in the interval, without +tasting them, on the trays in pastry-cooks' windows, that their image +had dissociated itself from those Combray days to take its place among +others more recent; perhaps because of those memories, so long abandoned +and put out of mind, nothing now survived, everything was scattered; the +forms of things, including that of the little scallop-shell of pastry, +so richly sensual under its severe, religious folds, were either +obliterated or had been so long dormant as to have lost the power of +expansion which would have allowed them to resume their place in my +consciousness. But when from a long-distant past nothing subsists, after +the people are dead, after the things are broken and scattered, still, +alone, more fragile, but with more vitality, more unsubstantial, more +persistent, more faithful, the smell and taste of things remain poised a +long time, like souls, ready to remind us, waiting and hoping for their +moment, amid the ruins of all the rest; and bear unfaltering, in the +tiny and almost impalpable drop of their essence, the vast structure of +recollection. + +And once I had recognized the taste of the crumb of madeleine soaked in +her decoction of lime-flowers which my aunt used to give me (although I +did not yet know and must long postpone the discovery of why this memory +made me so happy) immediately the old grey house upon the street, where +her room was, rose up like the scenery of a theatre to attach itself to +the little pavilion, opening on to the garden, which had been built out +behind it for my parents (the isolated panel which until that moment had +been all that I could see); and with the house the town, from morning to +night and in all weathers, the Square where I was sent before luncheon, +the streets along which I used to run errands, the country roads we took +when it was fine. And just as the Japanese amuse themselves by filling +a porcelain bowl with water and steeping in it little crumbs of paper +which until then are without character or form, but, the moment they +become wet, stretch themselves and bend, take on colour and distinctive +shape, become flowers or houses or people, permanent and recognisable, +so in that moment all the flowers in our garden and in M. Swann's park, +and the water-lilies on the Vivonne and the good folk of the village and +their little dwellings and the parish church and the whole of Combray +and of its surroundings, taking their proper shapes and growing solid, +sprang into being, town and gardens alike, from my cup of tea. + + + + + + +COMBRAY + +Combray at a distance, from a twenty-mile radius, as we used to see it +from the railway when we arrived there every year in Holy Week, was no +more than a church epitomising the town, representing it, speaking of it +and for it to the horizon, and as one drew near, gathering close about +its long, dark cloak, sheltering from the wind, on the open plain, as +a shepherd gathers his sheep, the woolly grey backs of its flocking +houses, which a fragment of its mediaeval ramparts enclosed, here and +there, in an outline as scrupulously circular as that of a little town +in a primitive painting. To live in, Combray was a trifle depressing, +like its streets, whose houses, built of the blackened stone of the +country, fronted with outside steps, capped with gables which projected +long shadows downwards, were so dark that one had, as soon as the sun +began to go down, to draw back the curtains in the sitting-room windows; +streets with the solemn names of Saints, not a few of whom figured +in the history of the early lords of Combray, such as the Rue +Saint-Hilaire, the Rue Saint-Jacques, in which my aunt's house stood, +the Rue Sainte-Hildegarde, which ran past her railings, and the Rue +du Saint-Esprit, on to which the little garden gate opened; and these +Combray streets exist in so remote a quarter of my memory, painted in +colours so different from those in which the world is decked for me +to-day, that in fact one and all of them, and the church which towered +above them in the Square, seem to me now more unsubstantial than the +projections of my magic-lantern; while at times I feel that to be able +to cross the Rue Saint-Hilaire again, to engage a room in the Rue de +l'Oiseau, in the old hostelry of the Oiseau Flesché, from whose windows +in the pavement used to rise a smell of cooking which rises still in +my mind, now and then, in the same warm gusts of comfort, would be to +secure a contact with the unseen world more marvellously supernatural +than it would be to make Golo's acquaintance and to chat with Geneviève +de Brabant. + +My grandfather's cousin--by courtesy my great-aunt--with whom we used +to stay, was the mother of that aunt Léonie who, since her husband's (my +uncle Octave's) death, had gradually declined to leave, first Combray, +then her house in Combray, then her bedroom, and finally her bed; +and who now never 'came down,' but lay perpetually in an indefinite +condition of grief, physical exhaustion, illness, obsessions, +and religious observances. Her own room looked out over the Rue +Saint-Jacques, which ran a long way further to end in the Grand-Pré (as +distinct from the Petit-Pré, a green space in the centre of the town +where three streets met) and which, monotonous and grey, with the three +high steps of stone before almost every one of its doors, seemed like a +deep furrow cut by some sculptor of gothic images in the very block of +stone out of which he had fashioned a Calvary or a Crib. My aunt's life +was now practically confined to two adjoining rooms, in one of which she +would rest in the afternoon while they aired the other. They were rooms +of that country order which (just as in certain climes whole tracts of +air or ocean are illuminated or scented by myriads of protozoa which +we cannot see) fascinate our sense of smell with the countless odours +springing from their own special virtues, wisdom, habits, a whole secret +system of life, invisible, superabundant and profoundly moral, which +their atmosphere holds in solution; smells natural enough indeed, and +coloured by circumstances as are those of the neighbouring countryside, +but already humanised, domesticated, confined, an exquisite, skilful, +limpid jelly, blending all the fruits of the season which have left +the orchard for the store-room, smells changing with the year, but +plenishing, domestic smells, which compensate for the sharpness of hoar +frost with the sweet savour of warm bread, smells lazy and punctual as +a village clock, roving smells, pious smells; rejoicing in a peace which +brings only an increase of anxiety, and in a prosiness which serves as +a deep source of poetry to the stranger who passes through their midst +without having lived amongst them. The air of those rooms was saturated +with the fine bouquet of a silence so nourishing, so succulent that I +could not enter them without a sort of greedy enjoyment, particularly on +those first mornings, chilly still, of the Easter holidays, when I could +taste it more fully, because I had just arrived then at Combray: before +I went in to wish my aunt good day I would be kept waiting a little time +in the outer room, where the sun, a wintry sun still, had crept in to +warm itself before the fire, lighted already between its two brick sides +and plastering all the room and everything in it with a smell of soot, +making the room like one of those great open hearths which one finds in +the country, or one of the canopied mantelpieces in old castles under +which one sits hoping that in the world outside it is raining or +snowing, hoping almost for a catastrophic deluge to add the romance of +shelter and security to the comfort of a snug retreat; I would turn to +and fro between the prayer-desk and the stamped velvet armchairs, each +one always draped in its crocheted antimacassar, while the fire, baking +like a pie the appetising smells with which the air of the room was +thickly clotted, which the dewy and sunny freshness of the morning had +already 'raised' and started to 'set,' puffed them and glazed them and +fluted them and swelled them into an invisible though not impalpable +country cake, an immense puff-pastry, in which, barely waiting to savour +the crustier, more delicate, more respectable, but also drier smells +of the cupboard, the chest-of-drawers, and the patterned wall-paper +I always returned with an unconfessed gluttony to bury myself in the +nondescript, resinous, dull, indigestible, and fruity smell of the +flowered quilt. + +In the next room I could hear my aunt talking quietly to herself. She +never spoke save in low tones, because she believed that there was +something broken in her head and floating loose there, which she might +displace by talking too loud; but she never remained for long, even when +alone, without saying something, because she believed that it was good +for her throat, and that by keeping the blood there in circulation it +would make less frequent the chokings and other pains to which she +was liable; besides, in the life of complete inertia which she led she +attached to the least of her sensations an extraordinary importance, +endowed them with a Protean ubiquity which made it difficult for her to +keep them secret, and, failing a confidant to whom she might communicate +them, she used to promulgate them to herself in an unceasing monologue +which was her sole form of activity. Unfortunately, having formed the +habit of thinking aloud, she did not always take care to see that there +was no one in the adjoining room, and I would often hear her saying +to herself: "I must not forget that I never slept a wink"--for "never +sleeping a wink" was her great claim to distinction, and one admitted +and respected in our household vocabulary; in the morning Françoise +would not 'call' her, but would simply 'come to' her; during the day, +when my aunt wished to take a nap, we used to say just that she wished +to 'be quiet' or to 'rest'; and when in conversation she so far forgot +herself as to say "what made me wake up," or "I dreamed that," she would +flush and at once correct herself. + +After waiting a minute, I would go in and kiss her; Françoise would +be making her tea; or, if my aunt were feeling 'upset,' she would ask +instead for her 'tisane,' and it would be my duty to shake out of +the chemist's little package on to a plate the amount of lime-blossom +required for infusion in boiling water. The drying of the stems had +twisted them into a fantastic trellis, in whose intervals the pale +flowers opened, as though a painter had arranged them there, grouping +them in the most decorative poses. The leaves, which had lost or altered +their own appearance, assumed those instead of the most incongruous +things imaginable, as though the transparent wings of flies or the blank +sides of labels or the petals of roses had been collected and pounded, +or interwoven as birds weave the material for their nests. A +thousand trifling little details--the charming prodigality of the +chemist--details which would have been eliminated from an artificial +preparation, gave me, like a book in which one is astonished to read the +name of a person whom one knows, the pleasure of finding that these were +indeed real lime-blossoms, like those I had seen, when coming from the +train, in the Avenue de la Gare, altered, but only because they were not +imitations but the very same blossoms, which had grown old. And as each +new character is merely a metamorphosis from something older, in these +little grey balls I recognised green buds plucked before their time; but +beyond all else the rosy, moony, tender glow which lit up the blossoms +among the frail forest of stems from which they hung like little golden +roses--marking, as the radiance upon an old wall still marks the place +of a vanished fresco, the difference between those parts of the tree +which had and those which had not been 'in bloom'--shewed me that these +were petals which, before their flowering-time, the chemist's package +had embalmed on warm evenings of spring. That rosy candlelight was still +their colour, but half-extinguished and deadened in the diminished life +which was now theirs, and which may be called the twilight of a flower. +Presently my aunt was able to dip in the boiling infusion, in which she +would relish the savour of dead or faded blossom, a little madeleine, of +which she would hold out a piece to me when it was sufficiently soft. + +At one side of her bed stood a big yellow chest-of-drawers of +lemon-wood, and a table which served at once as pharmacy and as +high altar, on which, beneath a statue of Our Lady and a bottle of +Vichy-Célestins, might be found her service-books and her medical +prescriptions, everything that she needed for the performance, in bed, +of her duties to soul and body, to keep the proper times for pepsin and +for vespers. On the other side her bed was bounded by the window: she +had the street beneath her eyes, and would read in it from morning to +night to divert the tedium of her life, like a Persian prince, the daily +but immemorial chronicles of Combray, which she would discuss in detail +afterwards with Françoise. + +I would not have been five minutes with my aunt before she would send me +away in case I made her tired. She would hold out for me to kiss her sad +brow, pale and lifeless, on which at this early hour she would not yet +have arranged the false hair and through which the bones shone like the +points of a crown of thorns--or the beads of a rosary, and she would say +to me: "Now, my poor child, you must go away; go and get ready for +mass; and if you see Françoise downstairs, tell her not to stay too +long amusing herself with you; she must come up soon to see if I want +anything." + +Françoise, who had been for many years in my aunt's service and did not +at that time suspect that she would one day be transferred entirely to +ours, was a little inclined to desert my aunt during the months which we +spent in her house. There had been in my infancy, before we first went +to Combray, and when my aunt Léonie used still to spend the winter in +Paris with her mother, a time when I knew Françoise so little that on +New Year's Day, before going into my great-aunt's house, my mother put +a five-franc piece in my hand and said: "Now, be careful. Don't make +any mistake. Wait until you hear me say 'Good morning, Françoise,' and +I touch your arm before you give it to her." No sooner had we arrived +in my aunt's dark hall than we saw in the gloom, beneath the frills of a +snowy cap as stiff and fragile as if it had been made of spun sugar, the +concentric waves of a smile of anticipatory gratitude. It was Françoise, +motionless and erect, framed in the small doorway of the corridor like +the statue of a saint in its niche. When we had grown more accustomed to +this religious darkness we could discern in her features a disinterested +love of all humanity, blended with a tender respect for the 'upper +classes' which raised to the most honourable quarter of her heart the +hope of receiving her due reward. Mamma pinched my arm sharply and said +in a loud voice: "Good morning, Françoise." At this signal my fingers +parted and I let fall the coin, which found a receptacle in a confused +but outstretched hand. But since we had begun to go to Combray there was +no one I knew better than Françoise. We were her favourites, and in the +first years at least, while she shewed the same consideration for us +as for my aunt, she enjoyed us with a keener relish, because we had, in +addition to our dignity as part of 'the family' (for she had for those +invisible bonds by which community of blood unites the members of a +family as much respect as any Greek tragedian), the fresh charm of not +being her customary employers. And so with what joy would she welcome +us, with what sorrow complain that the weather was still so bad for us, +on the day of our arrival, just before Easter, when there was often an +icy wind; while Mamma inquired after her daughter and her nephews, and +if her grandson was good-looking, and what they were going to make of +him, and whether he took after his granny. + +Later, when no one else was in the room, Mamma, who knew that Françoise +was still mourning for her parents, who had been dead for years, would +speak of them kindly, asking her endless little questions about them and +their lives. + +She had guessed that Françoise was not over-fond of her son-in-law, and +that he spoiled the pleasure she found in visiting her daughter, as the +two could not talk so freely when he was there. And so one day, when +Françoise was going to their house, some miles from Combray, Mamma said +to her, with a smile: "Tell me, Françoise, if Julien has had to go away, +and you have Marguerite to yourself all day, you will be very sorry, but +will make the best of it, won't you?" + +And Françoise answered, laughing: "Madame knows everything; Madame +is worse than the X-rays" (she pronounced 'x' with an affectation +of difficulty and with a smile in deprecation of her, an unlettered +woman's, daring to employ a scientific term) "they brought here for Mme. +Octave, which see what is in your heart"--and she went off, disturbed +that anyone should be caring about her, perhaps anxious that we should +not see her in tears: Mamma was the first person who had given her the +pleasure of feeling that her peasant existence, with its simple joys +and sorrows, might offer some interest, might be a source of grief or +pleasure to some one other than herself. + +My aunt resigned herself to doing without Françoise to some extent +during our visits, knowing how much my mother appreciated the services +of so active and intelligent a maid, one who looked as smart at five +o'clock in the morning in her kitchen, under a cap whose stiff and +dazzling frills seemed to be made of porcelain, as when dressed for +churchgoing; who did everything in the right way, who toiled like a +horse, whether she was well or ill, but without noise, without the +appearance of doing anything; the only one of my aunt's maids who when +Mamma asked for hot water or black coffee would bring them actually +boiling; she was one of those servants who in a household seem least +satisfactory, at first, to a stranger, doubtless because they take +no pains to make a conquest of him and shew him no special attention, +knowing very well that they have no real need of him, that he will cease +to be invited to the house sooner than they will be dismissed from it; +who, on the other hand, cling with most fidelity to those masters and +mistresses who have tested and proved their real capacity, and do not +look for that superficial responsiveness, that slavish affability, +which may impress a stranger favourably, but often conceals an utter +barrenness of spirit in which no amount of training can produce the +least trace of individuality. + +When Françoise, having seen that my parents had everything they +required, first went upstairs again to give my aunt her pepsin and to +find out from her what she would take for luncheon, very few mornings +pased but she was called upon to give an opinion, or to furnish an +explanation, in regard to some important event. + +"Just fancy, Françoise, Mme. Goupil went by more than a quarter of an +hour late to fetch her sister: if she loses any more time on the way I +should not be at all surprised if she got in after the Elevation." + +"Well, there'd be nothing wonderful in that," would be the answer. Or: + +"Françoise, if you had come in five minutes ago, you would have seen +Mme. Imbert go past with some asparagus twice the size of what mother +Callot has: do try to find out from her cook where she got them. You +know you've been putting asparagus in all your sauces this spring; you +might be able to get some like these for our visitors." + +"I shouldn't be surprised if they came from the Curé's," Françoise would +say, and: + +"I'm sure you wouldn't, my poor Françoise," my aunt would reply, raising +her shoulders. "From the Curé's, indeed! You know quite well that he +can never grow anything but wretched little twigs of asparagus, not +asparagus at all. I tell you these ones were as thick as my arm. Not +your arm, of course, but my poor arm, which has grown so much thinner +again this year." Or: + +"Françoise, didn't you hear that bell just now! It split my head." + +"No, Mme. Octave." + +"Ah, poor girl, your skull must be very thick; you may thank God for +that. It was Maguelone come to fetch Dr. Piperaud. He came out with her +at once and they went off along the Rue de l'Oiseau. There must be some +child ill." + +"Oh dear, dear; the poor little creature!" would come with a sigh from +Françoise, who could not hear of any calamity befalling a person unknown +to her, even in some distant part of the world, without beginning to +lament. Or: + +"Françoise, for whom did they toll the passing-bell just now? Oh dear, +of course, it would be for Mme. Rousseau. And to think that I had +forgotten that she passed away the other night. Indeed, it is time the +Lord called me home too; I don't know what has become of my head since I +lost my poor Octave. But I am wasting your time, my good girl." + +"Indeed no, Mme. Octave, my time is not so precious; whoever made our +time didn't sell it to us. I am just going to see that my fire hasn't +gone out." + +In this way Françoise and my aunt made a critical valuation between +them, in the course of these morning sessions, of the earliest +happenings of the day. But sometimes these happenings assumed so +mysterious or so alarming an air that my aunt felt she could not wait +until it was time for Françoise to come upstairs, and then a formidable +and quadruple peal would resound through the house. + +"But, Mme. Octave, it is not time for your pepsin," Françoise would +begin. "Are you feeling faint?" + +"No, thank you, Françoise," my aunt would reply, "that is to say, yes; +for you know well that there is very seldom a time when I don't feel +faint; one day I shall pass away like Mme. Rousseau, before I know where +I am; but that is not why I rang. Would you believe that I have just +seen, as plainly as I see you, Mme. Goupil with a little girl I didn't +know at all. Run and get a pennyworth of salt from Camus. It's not often +that Théodore can't tell you who a person is." + +"But that must be M. Pupin's daughter," Françoise would say, preferring +to stick to an immediate explanation, since she had been perhaps twice +already into Camus's shop that morning. + +"M. Pupin's daughter! Oh, that's a likely story, my poor Françoise. Do +you think I should not have recognised M. Pupin's daughter!" + +"But I don't mean the big one, Mme. Octave; I mean the little girl, he +one who goes to school at Jouy. I seem to have seen her once already this +morning." + +"Oh, if that's what it is!" my aunt would say, "she must have come over +for the holidays. Yes, that is it. No need to ask, she will have come +over for the holidays. But then we shall soon see Mme. Sazerat come +along and ring her sister's door-bell, for her luncheon. That will be +it! I saw the boy from Galopin's go by with a tart. You will see that +the tart was for Mme. Goupil." + +"Once Mme. Goupil has anyone in the house, Mme. Octave, you won't be +long in seeing all her folk going in to their luncheon there, for it's +not so early as it was," would be the answer, for Françoise, who was +anxious to retire downstairs to look after our own meal, was not sorry +to leave my aunt with the prospect of such a distraction. + +"Oh! not before midday!" my aunt would reply in a tone of resignation, +darting an uneasy glance at the clock, but stealthily, so as not to let +it be seen that she, who had renounced all earthly joys, yet found a +keen satisfaction in learning that Mme. Goupil was expecting company to +luncheon, though, alas, she must wait a little more than an hour still +before enjoying the spectacle. "And it will come in the middle of +my luncheon!" she would murmur to herself. Her luncheon was such a +distraction in itself that she did not like any other to come at the +same time. "At least, you will not forget to give me my creamed eggs on +one of the flat plates?" These were the only plates which had pictures +on them and my aunt used to amuse herself at every meal by reading the +description on whichever might have been sent up to her. She would +put on her spectacles and spell out: "Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves," +"Aladdin, or the Wonderful Lamp," and smile, and say "Very good indeed." + +"I may as well go across to Camus..." Françoise would hazard, seeing +that my aunt had no longer any intention of sending her there. + +"No, no; it's not worth while now; it's certain to be the Pupin girl. My +poor Françoise, I am sorry to have made you come upstairs for nothing." + +But it was not for nothing, as my aunt well knew, that she had rung for +Françoise, since at Combray a person whom one 'didn't know at all' was +as incredible a being as any mythological deity, and it was apt to be +forgotten that after each occasion on which there had appeared in the +Rue du Saint-Esprit or in the Square one of these bewildering phenomena, +careful and exhaustive researches had invariably reduced the fabulous +monster to the proportions of a person whom one 'did know,' either +personally or in the abstract, in his or her civil status as being more +or less closely related to some family in Combray. It would turn out to +be Mme. Sauton's son discharged from the army, or the Abbé Perdreau's +niece come home from her convent, or the Curé's brother, a tax-collector +at Châteaudun, who had just retired on a pension or had come over to +Combray for the holidays. On first noticing them you have been impressed +by the thought that there might be in Combray people whom you 'didn't +know at all,' simply because you had failed to recognise or identify +them at once. And yet long beforehand Mme. Sauton and the Curé had given +warning that they expected their 'strangers.' In the evening, when I +came in and went upstairs to tell my aunt the incidents of our walk, if +I was rash enough to say to her that we had passed, near the Pont-Vieux, +a man whom my grandfather didn't know: + +"A man grandfather didn't know at all!" she would exclaim. "That's a +likely story." None the less, she would be a little disturbed by +the news, she would wish to have the details correctly, and so my +grandfather would be summoned. "Who can it have been that you passed +near the Pont-Vieux, uncle? A man you didn't know at all?" + +"Why, of course I did," my grandfather would answer; "it was Prosper, +Mme. Bouilleboeuf's gardener's brother." + +"Ah, well!" my aunt would say, calm again but slightly flushed still; +"and the boy told me that you had passed a man you didn't know at all!" +After which I would be warned to be more careful of what I said, and not +to upset my aunt so by thoughtless remarks. Everyone was so well known +in Combray, animals as well as people, that if my aunt had happened to +see a dog go by which she 'didn't know at all' she would think about it +incessantly, devoting to the solution of the incomprehensible problem +all her inductive talent and her leisure hours. + +"That will be Mme. Sazerat's dog," Françoise would suggest, without any +real conviction, but in the hope of peace, and so that my aunt should +not 'split her head.' + +"As if I didn't know Mme. Sazerat's dog!"--for my aunt's critical mind +would not so easily admit any fresh fact. + +"Ah, but that will be the new dog M. Galopin has brought her from +Lisieux." + +"Oh, if that's what it is!" + +"It seems, it's a most engaging animal," Françoise would go on, having +got the story from Théodore, "as clever as a Christian, always in a good +temper, always friendly, always everything that's nice. It's not often +you see an animal so well-behaved at that age. Mme. Octave, it's high +time I left you; I can't afford to stay here amusing myself; look, it's +nearly ten o'clock and my fire not lighted yet, and I've still to dress +the asparagus." + +"What, Françoise, more asparagus! It's a regular disease of asparagus +you have got this year: you will make our Parisians sick of it." + +"No, no, Madame Octave, they like it well enough. They'll be coming back +from church soon as hungry as hunters, and they won't eat it out of the +back of their spoons, you'll see." + +"Church! why, they must be there now; you'd better not lose any time. Go +and look after your luncheon." + +While my aunt gossiped on in this way with Françoise I would have +accompanied my parents to mass. How I loved it: how clearly I can see it +still, our church at Combray! The old porch by which we went in, black, +and full of holes as a cullender, was worn out of shape and deeply +furrowed at the sides (as also was the holy water stoup to which it led +us) just as if the gentle grazing touch of the cloaks of peasant-women +going into the church, and of their fingers dipping into the water, had +managed by agelong repetition to acquire a destructive force, to impress +itself on the stone, to carve ruts in it like those made by cart-wheels +upon stone gate-posts against which they are driven every day. Its +memorial stones, beneath which the noble dust of the Abbots of Combray, +who were buried there, furnished the choir with a sort of spiritual +pavement, were themselves no longer hard and lifeless matter, for time +had softened and sweetened them, and had made them melt like honey +and flow beyond their proper margins, either surging out in a milky, +frothing wave, washing from its place a florid gothic capital, drowning +the white violets of the marble floor; or else reabsorbed into their +limits, contracting still further a crabbed Latin inscription, +bringing a fresh touch of fantasy into the arrangement of its curtailed +characters, closing together two letters of some word of which the rest +were disproportionately scattered. Its windows were never so brilliant +as on days when the sun scarcely shone, so that if it was dull outside +you might be certain of fine weather in church. One of them was +filled from top to bottom by a solitary figure, like the king on a +playing-card, who lived up there beneath his canopy of stone, between +earth and heaven; and in the blue light of its slanting shadow, on +weekdays sometimes, at noon, when there was no service (at one of those +rare moments when the airy, empty church, more human somehow and more +luxurious with the sun shewing off all its rich furnishings, seemed to +have almost a habitable air, like the hall--all sculptured stone and +painted glass--of some mediaeval mansion), you might see Mme. Sazerat +kneel for an instant, laying down on the chair beside her own a neatly +corded parcel of little cakes which she had just bought at the baker's +and was taking home for her luncheon. In another, a mountain of rosy +snow, at whose foot a battle was being fought, seemed to have frozen the +window also, which it swelled and distorted with its cloudy sleet, like +a pane to which snowflakes have drifted and clung, but flakes illumined +by a sunrise--the same, doubtless, which purpled the reredos of the +altar with tints so fresh that they seemed rather to be thrown on it for +a moment by a light shining from outside and shortly to be extinguished +than painted and permanently fastened on the stone. And all of them +were so old that you could see, here and there, their silvery antiquity +sparkling with the dust of centuries and shewing in its threadbare +brilliance the very cords of their lovely tapestry of glass. There +was one among them which was a tall panel composed of a hundred little +rectangular windows, of blue principally, like a great game of patience +of the kind planned to beguile King Charles VI; but, either because a +ray of sunlight had gleamed through it or because my own shifting vision +had drawn across the window, whose colours died away and were rekindled +by turns, a rare and transient fire--the next instant it had taken on +all the iridescence of a peacock's tail, then shook and wavered in a +flaming and fantastic shower, distilled and dropping from the groin of +the dark and rocky vault down the moist walls, as though it were +along the bed of some rainbow grotto of sinuous stalactites that I was +following my parents, who marched before me, their prayer-books clasped +in their hands; a moment later the little lozenge windows had put on the +deep transparence, the unbreakable hardness of sapphires clustered on +some enormous breastplate; but beyond which could be distinguished, +dearer than all such treasures, a fleeting smile from the sun, which +could be seen and felt as well here, in the blue and gentle flood in +which it washed the masonry, as on the pavement of the Square or the +straw of the market-place; and even on our first Sundays, when we came +down before Easter, it would console me for the blackness and bareness +of the earth outside by making burst into blossom, as in some springtime +in old history among the heirs of Saint Louis, this dazzling and gilded +carpet of forget-me-nots in glass. + +Two tapestries of high warp represented the coronation of Esther (in +which tradition would have it that the weaver had given to Ahasuerus the +features of one of the kings of France and to Esther those of a lady of +Guermantes whose lover he had been); their colours had melted into one +another, so as to add expression, relief, light to the pictures. A touch +of red over the lips of Esther had strayed beyond their outline; the +yellow on her dress was spread with such unctuous plumpness as to have +acquired a kind of solidity, and stood boldly out from the receding +atmosphere; while the green of the trees, which was still bright in silk +and wool among the lower parts of the panel, but had quite 'gone' at the +top, separated in a paler scheme, above the dark trunks, the yellowing +upper branches, tanned and half-obliterated by the sharp though sidelong +rays of an invisible sun. All these things and, still more than these, +the treasures which had come to the church from personages who to me +were almost legendary figures (such as the golden cross wrought, it was +said, by Saint Eloi and presented by Dagobert, and the tomb of the sons +of Louis the Germanic in porphyry and enamelled copper), because of +which I used to go forward into the church when we were making our way +to our chairs as into a fairy-haunted valley, where the rustic sees with +amazement on a rock, a tree, a marsh, the tangible proofs of the little +people's supernatural passage--all these things made of the church for +me something entirely different from the rest of the town; a building +which occupied, so to speak, four dimensions of space--the name of the +fourth being Time--which had sailed the centuries with that old nave, +where bay after bay, chapel after chapel, seemed to stretch across +and hold down and conquer not merely a few yards of soil, but each +successive epoch from which the whole building had emerged triumphant, +hiding the rugged barbarities of the eleventh century in the thickness +of its walls, through which nothing could be seen of the heavy arches, +long stopped and blinded with coarse blocks of ashlar, except where, +near the porch, a deep groove was furrowed into one wall by the +tower-stair; and even there the barbarity was veiled by the graceful +gothic arcade which pressed coquettishly upon it, like a row of grown-up +sisters who, to hide him from the eyes of strangers, arrange themselves +smilingly in front of a countrified, unmannerly and ill-dressed younger +brother; rearing into the sky above the Square a tower which had looked +down upon Saint Louis, and seemed to behold him still; and thrusting +down with its crypt into the blackness of a Merovingian night, through +which, guiding us with groping finger-tips beneath the shadowy vault, +ribbed strongly as an immense bat's wing of stone, Théodore or his +sister would light up for us with a candle the tomb of Sigebert's little +daughter, in which a deep hole, like the bed of a fossil, had been +bored, or so it was said, "by a crystal lamp which, on the night when +the Frankish princess was murdered, had left, of its own accord, the +golden chains by which it was suspended where the apse is to-day and +with neither the crystal broken nor the light extinguished had buried +itself in the stone, through which it had gently forced its way." + +And then the apse of Combray: what am I to say of that? It was so +coarse, so devoid of artistic beauty, even of the religious spirit. From +outside, since the street crossing which it commanded was on a lower +level, its great wall was thrust upwards from a basement of unfaced +ashlar, jagged with flints, in all of which there was nothing +particularly ecclesiastical; the windows seemed to have been pierced at +an abnormal height, and its whole appearance was that of a prison wall +rather than of a church. And certainly in later years, were I to recall +all the glorious apses that I had seen, it would never enter my mind to +compare with any one of them the apse of Combray. Only, one day, +turning out of a little street in some country town, I came upon three +alley-ways that converged, and facing them an old wall, rubbed, worn, +crumbling, and unusually high; with windows pierced in it far overhead +and the same asymmetrical appearance as the apse of Combray. And at that +moment I did not say to myself, as at Chartres I might have done or at +Rheims, with what strength the religious feeling had been expressed in +its construction, but instinctively I exclaimed "The Church!" + +The church! A dear, familiar friend; close pressed in the Rue +Saint-Hilaire, upon which its north door opened, by its two neighbours, +Mme. Loiseau's house and the pharmacy of M. Rapin, against which its +walls rested without interspace; a simple citizen of Combray, who might +have had her number in the street had the streets of Combray borne +numbers, and at whose door one felt that the postman ought to stop on +his morning rounds, before going into Mme. Loiseau's and after leaving +M. Rapin's, there existed, for all that, between the church and +everything in Combray that was not the church a clear line of +demarcation which I have never succeeded in eliminating from my mind. +In vain might Mme. Loiseau deck her window-sills with fuchsias, which +developed the bad habit of letting their branches trail at all times +and in all directions, head downwards, and whose flowers had no more +important business, when they were big enough to taste the joys of life, +than to go and cool their purple, congested cheeks against the dark +front of the church; to me such conduct sanctified the fuchsias not at +all; between the flowers and the blackened stones towards which they +leaned, if my eyes could discern no interval, my mind preserved the +impression of an abyss. + +From a long way off one could distinguish and identify the steeple of +Saint-Hilaire inscribing its unforgettable form upon a horizon beneath +which Combray had not yet appeared; when from the train which brought +us down from Paris at Easter-time my father caught sight of it, as it +slipped into every fold of the sky in turn, its little iron cock veering +continually in all directions, he would say: "Come, get your wraps +together, we are there." And on one of the longest walks we ever took +from Combray there was a spot where the narrow road emerged suddenly +on to an immense plain, closed at the horizon by strips of forest over +which rose and stood alone the fine point of Saint-Hilaire's steeple, +but so sharpened and so pink that it seemed to be no more than sketched +on the sky by the finger-nail of a painter anxious to give to such a +landscape, to so pure a piece of 'nature,' this little sign of art, this +single indication of human existence. As one drew near it and could make +out the remains of the square tower, half in ruins, which still stood by +its side, though without rivalling it in height, one was struck, first +of all, by the tone, reddish and sombre, of its stones; and on a misty +morning in autumn one would have called it, to see it rising above the +violet thunder-cloud of the vineyards, a ruin of purple, almost the +colour of the wild vine. + +Often in the Square, as we came home, my grandmother would make me stop +to look up at it. From the tower windows, placed two and two, one pair +above another, with that right and original proportion in their spacing +to which not only human faces owe their beauty and dignity, it released, +it let fall at regular intervals flights of jackdaws which for a little +while would wheel and caw, as though the ancient stones which allowed +them to sport thus and never seemed to see them, becoming of a sudden +uninhabitable and discharging some infinitely disturbing element, had +struck them and driven them forth. Then after patterning everywhere the +violet velvet of the evening air, abruptly soothed, they would return +and be absorbed in the tower, deadly no longer but benignant, some +perching here and there (not seeming to move, but snapping, perhaps, and +swallowing some passing insect) on the points of turrets, as a seagull +perches, with an angler's immobility, on the crest of a wave. Without +quite knowing why, my grandmother found in the steeple of Saint-Hilaire +that absence of vulgarity, pretension, and meanness which made her +love--and deem rich in beneficent influences--nature itself, when the +hand of man had not, as did my great-aunt's gardener, trimmed it, and +the works of genius. And certainly every part one saw of the church +served to distinguish the whole from any other building by a kind of +general feeling which pervaded it, but it was in the steeple that +the church seemed to display a consciousness of itself, to affirm its +individual and responsible existence. It was the steeple which spoke for +the church. I think, too, that in a confused way my grandmother found in +the steeple of Combray what she prized above anything else in the +world, namely, a natural air and an air of distinction. Ignorant of +architecture, she would say: + +"My dears, laugh at me if you like; it is not conventionally beautiful, +but there is something in its quaint old face which pleases me. If it +could play the piano, I am sure it would really _play_." And when she +gazed on it, when her eyes followed the gentle tension, the fervent +inclination of its stony slopes which drew together as they rose, like +hands joined in prayer, she would absorb herself so utterly in the +outpouring of the spire that her gaze seemed to leap upwards with it; +her lips at the same time curving in a friendly smile for the worn old +stones of which the setting sun now illumined no more than the topmost +pinnacles, which, at the point where they entered that zone of sunlight +and were softened and sweetened by it, seemed to have mounted suddenly +far higher, to have become truly remote, like a song whose singer breaks +into falsetto, an octave above the accompanying air. + +It was the steeple of Saint-Hilaire which shaped and crowned and +consecrated every occupation, every hour of the day, every point of view +in the town. From my bedroom window I could discern no more than its +base, which had been freshly covered with slates; but when on Sundays I +saw these, in the hot light of a summer morning, blaze like a black sun +I would say to myself: "Good heavens! nine o'clock! I must get ready for +mass at once if I am to have time to go in and kiss aunt Léonie first," +and I would know exactly what was the colour of the sunlight upon the +Square, I could feel the heat and dust of the market, the shade behind +the blinds of the shop into which Mamma would perhaps go on her way +to mass, penetrating its odour of unbleached calico, to purchase a +handkerchief or something, of which the draper himself would let her see +what he had, bowing from the waist: who, having made everything ready +for shutting up, had just gone into the back shop to put on his Sunday +coat and to wash his hands, which it was his habit, every few minutes +and even on the saddest occasions, to rub one against the other with an +air of enterprise, cunning, and success. + +And again, after mass, when we looked in to tell Théodore to bring a +larger loaf than usual because our cousins had taken advantage of the +fine weather to come over from Thiberzy for luncheon, we had in front of +us the steeple, which, baked and brown itself like a larger loaf still +of 'holy bread,' with flakes and sticky drops on it of sunlight, pricked +its sharp point into the blue sky. And in the evening, as I came in from +my walk and thought of the approaching moment when I must say good night +to my mother and see her no more, the steeple was by contrast so kindly, +there at the close of day, that I would imagine it as being laid, like a +brown velvet cushion, against--as being thrust into the pallid sky which +had yielded beneath its pressure, had sunk slightly so as to make room +for it, and had correspondingly risen on either side; while the cries of +the birds wheeling to and fro about it seemed to intensify its silence, +to elongate its spire still further, and to invest it with some quality +beyond the power of words. + +Even when our errands lay in places behind the church, from which it +could not be seen, the view seemed always to have been composed with +reference to the steeple, which would stand up, now here, now there, +among the houses, and was perhaps even more affecting when it appeared +thus without the church. And, indeed, there are many others which +look best when seen in this way, and I can call to mind vignettes of +housetops with surmounting steeples in quite another category of art +than those formed by the dreary streets of Combray. I shall never +forget, in a quaint Norman town not far from Balbec, two charming +eighteenth-century houses, dear to me and venerable for many reasons, +between which, when one looks up at them from a fine garden which +descends in terraces to the river, the gothic spire of a church (itself +hidden by the houses) soars into the sky with the effect of crowning and +completing their fronts, but in a material so different, so precious, so +beringed, so rosy, so polished, that it is at once seen to be no more +a part of them than would be a part of two pretty pebbles lying side +by side, between which it had been washed on the beach, the purple, +crinkled spire of some sea-shell spun out into a turret and gay with +glossy colour. Even in Paris, in one of the ugliest parts of the town, I +know a window from which one can see across a first, a second, and even +a third layer of jumbled roofs, street beyond street, a violet bell, +sometimes ruddy, sometimes too, in the finest 'prints' which the +atmosphere makes of it, of an ashy solution of black; which is, in fact, +nothing else than the dome of Saint-Augustin, and which imparts to this +view of Paris the character of some of the Piranesi views of Rome. But +since into none of these little etchings, whatever the taste my +memory may have been able to bring to their execution, was it able to +contribute an element I have long lost, the feeling which makes us not +merely regard a thing as a spectacle, but believe in it as in a creature +without parallel, so none of them keeps in dependence on it a whole +section of my inmost life as does the memory of those aspects of the +steeple of Combray from the streets behind the church. Whether one saw +it at five o'clock when going to call for letters at the post-office, +some doors away from one, on the left, raising abruptly with its +isolated peak the ridge of housetops; or again, when one had to go in +and ask for news of Mme. Sazerat, one's eyes followed the line where it +ran low again beyond the farther, descending slope, and one knew that it +would be the second turning after the steeple; or yet again, if pressing +further afield one went to the station, one saw it obliquely, shewing in +profile fresh angles and surfaces, like a solid body surprised at some +unknown point in its revolution; or, from the banks of the Vivonne, the +apse, drawn muscularly together and heightened in perspective, seemed +to spring upwards with the effort which the steeple made to hurl its +spire-point into the heart of heaven: it was always to the steeple that +one must return, always it which dominated everything else, summing up +the houses with an unexpected pinnacle, raised before me like the Finger +of God, Whose Body might have been concealed below among the crowd of +human bodies without fear of my confounding It, for that reason, with +them. And so even to-day in any large provincial town, or in a quarter +of Paris which I do not know well, if a passer-by who is 'putting me on +the right road' shews me from afar, as a point to aim at, some belfry of +a hospital, or a convent steeple lifting the peak of its ecclesiastical +cap at the corner of the street which I am to take, my memory need only +find in it some dim resemblance to that dear and vanished outline, and +the passer-by, should he turn round to make sure that I have not gone +astray, would see me, to his astonishment, oblivious of the walk that I +had planned to take or the place where I was obliged to call, standing +still on the spot, before that steeple, for hours on end, motionless, +trying to remember, feeling deep within myself a tract of soil reclaimed +from the waters of Lethe slowly drying until the buildings rise on it +again; and then no doubt, and then more uneasily than when, just now, +I asked him for a direction, I will seek my way again, I will turn a +corner... but... the goal is in my heart... + +On our way home from mass we would often meet M. Legrandin, who, +detained in Paris by his professional duties as an engineer, could +only (except in the regular holiday seasons) visit his home at Combray +between Saturday evenings and Monday mornings. He was one of that class +of men who, apart from a scientific career in which they may well have +proved brilliantly successful, have acquired an entirely different +kind of culture, literary or artistic, of which they make no use in the +specialised work of their profession, but by which their conversation +profits. More 'literary' than many 'men of letters' (we were not aware +at this period that M. Legrandin had a distinct reputation as a writer, +and so were greatly astonished to find that a well-known composer +had set some verses of his to music), endowed with a greater ease +in execution than many painters, they imagine that the life they are +obliged to lead is not that for which they are really fitted, and they +bring to their regular occupations either a fantastic indifference or +a sustained and lofty application, scornful, bitter, and conscientious. +Tall, with a good figure, a fine, thoughtful face, drooping fair +moustaches, a look of disillusionment in his blue eyes, an almost +exaggerated refinement of courtesy; a talker such as we had never heard; +he was in the sight of my family, who never ceased to quote him as an +example, the very pattern of a gentleman, who took life in the noblest +and most delicate manner. My grandmother alone found fault with him for +speaking a little too well, a little too much like a book, for not using +a vocabulary as natural as his loosely knotted Lavallière neckties, his +short, straight, almost schoolboyish coat. She was astonished, too, at +the furious invective which he was always launching at the aristocracy, +at fashionable life, and 'snobbishness'--"undoubtedly," he would say, +"the sin of which Saint Paul is thinking when he speaks of the sin for +which there is no forgiveness." + +Worldly ambition was a thing which my grandmother was so little capable +of feeling, or indeed of understanding, that it seemed to her futile to +apply so much heat to its condemnation. Besides, she thought it in not +very good taste that M. Legrandin, whose sister was married to a country +gentleman of Lower Normandy near Balbec, should deliver himself of such +violent attacks upon the nobles, going so far as to blame the Revolution +for not having guillotined them all. + +"Well met, my friends!" he would say as he came towards us. "You are +lucky to spend so much time here; to-morrow I have to go back to Paris, +to squeeze back into my niche. + +"Oh, I admit," he went on, with his own peculiar smile, gently ironical, +disillusioned and vague, "I have every useless thing in the world in +my house there. The only thing wanting is the necessary thing, a great +patch of open sky like this. Always try to keep a patch of sky above +your life, little boy," he added, turning to me. "You have a soul in +you of rare quality, an artist's nature; never let it starve for lack of +what it needs." + +When, on our reaching the house, my aunt would send to ask us whether +Mme. Goupil had indeed arrived late for mass, not one of us could inform +her. Instead, we increased her anxiety by telling her that there was +a painter at work in the church copying the window of Gilbert the +Bad. Françoise was at once dispatched to the grocer's, but returned +empty-handed owing to the absence of Théodore, whose dual profession of +choirman, with a part in the maintenance of the fabric, and of grocer's +assistant gave him not only relations with all sections of society, but +an encyclopaedic knowledge of their affairs. + +"Ah!" my aunt would sigh, "I wish it were time for Eulalie to come. She +is really the only person who will be able to tell me." + +Eulalie was a limping, energetic, deaf spinster who had 'retired' after +the death of Mme. de la Bretonnerie, with whom she had been in service +from her childhood, and had then taken a room beside the church, from +which she would incessantly emerge, either to attend some service, +or, when there was no service, to say a prayer by herself or to give +Théodore a hand; the rest of her time she spent in visiting sick persons +like my aunt Léonie, to whom she would relate everything that had +occurred at mass or vespers. She was not above adding occasional +pocket-money to the little income which was found for her by the family +of her old employers by going from time to time to look after the Curé's +linen, or that of some other person of note in the clerical world of +Combray. Above a mantle of black cloth she wore a little white coif that +seemed almost to attach her to some Order, and an infirmity of the +skin had stained part of her cheeks and her crooked nose the bright red +colour of balsam. Her visits were the one great distraction in the life +of my aunt Léonie, who now saw hardly anyone else, except the reverend +Curé. My aunt had by degrees erased every other visitor's name from +her list, because they all committed the fatal error, in her eyes, +of falling into one or other of the two categories of people she most +detested. One group, the worse of the two, and the one of which she rid +herself first, consisted of those who advised her not to take so much +care of herself, and preached (even if only negatively and with no +outward signs beyond an occasional disapproving silence or doubting +smile) the subversive doctrine that a sharp walk in the sun and a good +red beefsteak would do her more good (her, who had had two dreadful sips +of Vichy water on her stomach for fourteen hours!) than all her medicine +bottles and her bed. The other category was composed of people who +appeared to believe that she was more seriously ill than she thought, +in fact that she was as seriously ill as she said. And so none of those +whom she had allowed upstairs to her room, after considerable hesitation +and at Françoise's urgent request, and who in the course of their visit +had shewn how unworthy they were of the honour which had been done them +by venturing a timid: "Don't you think that if you were just to stir out +a little on really fine days...?" or who, on the other hand, when she +said to them: "I am very low, very low; nearing the end, dear friends!" +had replied: "Ah, yes, when one has no strength left! Still, you may +last a while yet"; each party alike might be certain that her doors +would never open to them again. And if Françoise was amused by the look +of consternation on my aunt's face whenever she saw, from her bed, any +of these people in the Rue du Saint-Esprit, who looked as if they were +coming to see her, or heard her own door-bell ring, she would laugh far +more heartily, as at a clever trick, at my aunt's devices (which never +failed) for having them sent away, and at their look of discomfiture +when they had to turn back without having seen her; and would be filled +with secret admiration for her mistress, whom she felt to be superior +to all these other people, inasmuch as she could and did contrive not to +see them. In short, my aunt stipulated, at one and the same time, that +whoever came to see her must approve of her way of life, commiserate +with her in her sufferings, and assure her of an ultimate recovery. + +In all this Eulalie excelled. My aunt might say to her twenty times in +a minute: "The end is come at last, my poor Eulalie!", twenty times +Eulalie would retort with: "Knowing your illness as you do, Mme. +Octave, you will live to be a hundred, as Mme. Sazerin said to me only +yesterday." For one of Eulalie's most rooted beliefs, and one that the +formidable list of corrections which her experience must have compiled +was powerless to eradicate, was that Mme. Sazerat's name was really Mme. +Sazerin. + +"I do not ask to live to a hundred," my aunt would say, for she +preferred to have no definite limit fixed to the number of her days. + +And since, besides this, Eulalie knew, as no one else knew, how to +distract my aunt without tiring her, her visits, which took place +regularly every Sunday, unless something unforeseen occurred to prevent +them, were for my aunt a pleasure the prospect of which kept her on +those days in a state of expectation, appetising enough to begin with, +but at once changing to the agony of a hunger too long unsatisfied if +Eulalie were a minute late in coming. For, if unduly prolonged, the +rapture of waiting for Eulalie became a torture, and my aunt would never +cease from looking at the time, and yawning, and complaining of each of +her symptoms in turn. Eulalie's ring, if it sounded from the front door +at the very end of the day, when she was no longer expecting it, would +almost make her ill. For the fact was that on Sundays she thought of +nothing else than this visit, and the moment that our luncheon was ended +Françoise would become impatient for us to leave the dining-room so that +she might go upstairs to 'occupy' my aunt. But--and this more than ever +from the day on which fine weather definitely set in at Combray--the +proud hour of noon, descending from the steeple of Saint-Hilaire which +it blazoned for a moment with the twelve points of its sonorous crown, +would long have echoed about our table, beside the 'holy bread,' which +too had come in, after church, in its familiar way; and we would still +be found seated in front of our Arabian Nights plates, weighed down +by the heat of the day, and even more by our heavy meal. For upon +the permanent foundation of eggs, cutlets, potatoes, preserves, and +biscuits, whose appearance on the table she no longer announced to us, +Françoise would add--as the labour of fields and orchards, the harvest +of the tides, the luck of the markets, the kindness of neighbours, and +her own genius might provide; and so effectively that our bill of fare, +like the quatrefoils that were carved on the porches of cathedrals +in the thirteenth century, reflected to some extent the march of the +seasons and the incidents of human life--a brill, because the fish-woman +had guaranteed its freshness; a turkey, because she had seen a beauty +in the market at Roussainville-le-Pin; cardoons with marrow, because she +had never done them for us in that way before; a roast leg of mutton, +because the fresh air made one hungry and there would be plenty of time +for it to 'settle down' in the seven hours before dinner; spinach, +by way of a change; apricots, because they were still hard to get; +gooseberries, because in another fortnight there would be none left; +raspberries, which M. Swann had brought specially; cherries, the first +to come from the cherry-tree, which had yielded none for the last two +years; a cream cheese, of which in those days I was extremely fond; an +almond cake, because she had ordered one the evening before; a fancy +loaf, because it was our turn to 'offer' the holy bread. And when all +these had been eaten, a work composed expressly for ourselves, but +dedicated more particularly to my father, who had a fondness for such +things, a cream of chocolate, inspired in the mind, created by the +hand of Françoise, would be laid before us, light and fleeting as an +'occasional piece' of music, into which she had poured the whole of her +talent. Anyone who refused to partake of it, saying: "No, thank you, I +have finished; I am not hungry," would at once have been lowered to the +level of the Philistines who, when an artist makes them a present of one +of his works, examine its weight and material, whereas what is of value +is the creator's intention and his signature. To have left even the +tiniest morsel in the dish would have shewn as much discourtesy as to +rise and leave a concert hall while the 'piece' was still being played, +and under the composer's very eyes. + +At length my mother would say to me: "Now, don't stay here all day; +you can go up to your room if you are too hot outside, but get a little +fresh air first; don't start reading immediately after your food." + +And I would go and sit down beside the pump and its trough, ornamented +here and there, like a gothic font, with a salamander, which modelled +upon a background of crumbling stone the quick relief of its slender, +allegorical body; on the bench without a back, in the shade of a +lilac-tree, in that little corner of the garden which communicated, by +a service door, with the Rue du Saint-Esprit, and from whose neglected +soil rose, in two stages, an outcrop from the house itself and +apparently a separate building, my aunt's back-kitchen. One could see +its red-tiled floor gleaming like porphyry. It seemed not so much the +cave of Françoise as a little temple of Venus. It would be overflowing +with the offerings of the milkman, the fruiterer, the greengrocer, come +sometimes from distant villages to dedicate here the first-fruits of +their fields. And its roof was always surmounted by the cooing of a +dove. + +In earlier days I would not have lingered in the sacred grove which +surrounded this temple, for, before going upstairs to read, I would +steal into the little sitting-room which my uncle Adolphe, a brother of +my grandfather and an old soldier who had retired from the service as a +major, used to occupy on the ground floor, a room which, even when its +opened windows let in the heat, if not actually the rays of the sun +which seldom penetrated so far, would never fail to emit that vague and +yet fresh odour, suggesting at once an open-air and an old-fashioned +kind of existence, which sets and keeps the nostrils dreaming when one +goes into a disused gun-room. But for some years now I had not gone into +my uncle Adolphe's room, since he no longer came to Combray on account +of a quarrel which had arisen between him and my family, by my fault, +and in the following circumstances: Once or twice every month, in Paris, +I used to be sent to pay him a. visit, as he was finishing his luncheon, +wearing a plain alpaca coat, and waited upon by his servant in a +working-jacket of striped linen, purple and white. He would complain +that I had not been to see him for a long time; that he was being +neglected; he would offer me a marchpane or a tangerine, and we would +cross a room in which no one ever sat, whose fire was never lighted, +whose walls were picked out with gilded mouldings, its ceiling painted +blue in imitation of the sky, and its furniture upholstered in satin, as +at my grandparents', only yellow; then we would enter what he called his +'study,' a room whose walls were hung with prints which shewed, against +a dark background, a plump and rosy goddess driving a car, or standing +upon a globe, or wearing a star on her brow; pictures which were popular +under the Second Empire because there was thought to be something about +them that suggested Pompeii, which were then generally despised, and +which now people are beginning to collect again for one single and +consistent reason (despite any others which they may advance), namely, +that they suggest the Second Empire. And there I would stay with my +uncle until his man came, with a message from the coachman, to ask him +at what time he would like the carriage. My uncle would then be lost +in meditation, while his astonished servant stood there, not daring to +disturb him by the least movement, wondering and waiting for his +answer, which never varied. For in the end, after a supreme crisis of +hesitation, my uncle would utter, infallibly, the words: "A quarter past +two," which the servant would echo with amazement, but without disputing +them: "A quarter past two! Very good, sir... I will go and tell him...." + +At this date I was a lover of the theatre: a Platonic lover, of +necessity, since my parents had not yet allowed me to enter one, and +so incorrect was the picture I drew for myself of the pleasures to be +enjoyed there that I almost believed that each of the spectators looked, +as into a stereoscope, upon a stage and scenery which existed for +himself alone, though closely resembling the thousand other spectacles +presented to the rest of the audience individually. + +Every morning I would hasten to the Moriss column to see what new plays +it announced. Nothing could be more disinterested or happier than the +dreams with which these announcements filled my mind, dreams which took +their form from the inevitable associations of the words forming the +title of the play, and also from the colour of the bills, still damp and +wrinkled with paste, on which those words stood out. Nothing, unless +it were such strange titles as the _Testament de César Girodot, or +Oedipe-Roi_, inscribed not on the green bills of the Opéra-Comique, but +on the wine-coloured bills of the Comédie-Française, nothing seemed +to me to differ more profoundly from the sparkling white plume of +the _Diamants de la Couronne_ than the sleek, mysterious satin of the +_Domino Noir_; and since my parents had told me that, for my first visit +to the theatre, I should have to choose between these two pieces, I +would study exhaustively and in turn the title of one and the title +of the other (for those were all that I knew of either), attempting to +snatch from each a foretaste of the pleasure which it offered me, and to +compare this pleasure with that latent in the other title, until in the +end I had shewn myself such vivid, such compelling pictures of, on +the one hand, a play of dazzling arrogance, and on the other a gentle, +velvety play, that I was as little capable of deciding which play I +should prefer to see as if, at the dinner-table, they had obliged me to +choose between _rice à l'Impératrice_ and the famous cream of chocolate. + +All my conversations with my playfellows bore upon actors, whose art, +although as yet I had no experience of it, was the first of all its +numberless forms in which Art itself allowed me to anticipate its +enjoyment. Between one actor's tricks of intonation and inflection and +another's, the most trifling differences would strike me as being of an +incalculable importance. And from what I had been told of them I would +arrange them in the order of their talent in lists which I used to +murmur to myself all day long: lists which in the end became petrified +in my brain and were a source of annoyance to it, being irremovable. + +And later, in my schooldays, whenever I ventured in class, when the +master's head was turned, to communicate with some new friend, I would +always begin by asking him whether he had begun yet to go to theatres, +and if he agreed that our greatest actor was undoubtedly Got, our second +Delaunay, and so on. And if, in his judgment, Febvre came below Thiron, +or Delaunay below Coquelin, the sudden volatility which the name of +Coquelin, forsaking its stony rigidity, would engender in my mind, in +which it moved upwards to the second place, the rich vitality with which +the name of Delaunay would suddenly be furnished, to enable it to slip +down to fourth, would stimulate and fertilise my brain with a sense of +budding and blossoming life. + +But if the thought of actors weighed so upon me, if the sight of +Maubant, coming out one afternoon from the Théâtre-Français, had plunged +me in the throes and sufferings of hopeless love, how much more did the +name of a 'star,' blazing outside the doors of a theatre, how much more, +seen through the window of a brougham which passed me in the street, the +hair over her forehead abloom with roses, did the face of a woman who, +I would think, was perhaps an actress, leave with me a lasting +disturbance, a futile and painful effort to form a picture of her +private life. + +I classified, in order of talent, the most distinguished: Sarah +Bernhardt, Berma, Bartet, Madeleine Brohan, Jeanne Samary; but I was +interested in them all. Now my uncle knew many of them personally, and +also ladies of another class, not clearly distinguished from actresses +in my mind. He used to entertain them at his house. And if we went to +see him on certain days only, that was because on the other days ladies +might come whom his family could not very well have met. So we at least +thought; as for my uncle, his fatal readiness to pay pretty widows (who +had perhaps never been married) and countesses (whose high-sounding +titles were probably no more than _noms de guerre_) the compliment of +presenting them to my grandmother or even of presenting to them some +of our family jewels, had already embroiled him more than once with +my grandfather. Often, if the name of some actress were mentioned in +conversation, I would hear my father say, with a smile, to my mother: +"One of your uncle's friends," and I would think of the weary novitiate +through which, perhaps for years on end, a grown man, even a man of real +importance, might have to pass, waiting on the doorstep of some such +lady, while she refused to answer his letters and made her hall-porter +drive him away; and imagine that my uncle was able to dispense a little +jackanapes like myself from all these sufferings by introducing me in +his own home to the actress, unapproachable by all the world, but for +him an intimate friend. + +And so--on the pretext that some lesson, the hour of which had been +altered, now came at such an awkward time that it had already more than +once prevented me, and would continue to prevent me, from seeing my +uncle--one day, not one of the days which he set apart for our visits, I +took advantage of the fact that my parents had had luncheon earlier +than usual; I slipped out and, instead of going to read the playbills on +their column, for which purpose I was allowed to go out unaccompanied, +I ran all the way to his house. I noticed before his door a carriage and +pair, with red carnations on the horses' blinkers and in the coachman's +buttonhole. As I climbed the staircase I could hear laughter and a +woman's voice, and, as soon as I had rung, silence and the sound of +shutting doors. The man-servant who let me in appeared embarrassed, and +said that my uncle was extremely busy and probably could not see me; he +went in, however, to announce my arrival, and the same voice I had heard +before said: "Oh, yes! Do let him come in; just for a moment; it will be +so amusing. Is that his photograph there, on your desk? And his mother +(your niece, isn't she?) beside it? The image of her, isn't he? I should +so like to see the little chap, just for a second." + +I could hear my uncle grumbling and growing angry; finally the +manservant told me to come in. + +On the table was the same plate of marchpanes that was always there; my +uncle wore the same alpaca coat as on other days; but opposite to him, +in a pink silk dress with a great necklace of pearls about her throat, +sat a young woman who was just finishing a tangerine. My uncertainty +whether I ought to address her as Madame or Mademoiselle made me blush, +and not daring to look too much in her direction, in case I should be +obliged to speak to her, I hurried across to kiss my uncle. She looked +at me and smiled; my uncle said "My nephew!" without telling her my name +or telling me hers, doubtless because, since his difficulties with +my grandfather, he had endeavoured as far as possible to avoid any +association of his family with this other class of acquaintance. + +"How like his mother he is," said the lady. + +"But you have never seen my niece, except in photographs," my uncle +broke in quickly, with a note of anger. + +"I beg your pardon, dear friend, I passed her on the staircase last year +when you were so ill. It is true I only saw her for a moment, and your +staircase is rather dark; but I saw well enough to see how lovely she +was. This young gentleman has her beautiful eyes, and also this," she +went on, tracing a line with one finger across the lower part of her +forehead. "Tell me," she asked my uncle, "is your niece Mme.----; is her +name the same as yours?" + +"He takes most after his father," muttered my uncle, who was no more +anxious to effect an introduction by proxy, in repeating Mamma's name +aloud, than to bring the two together in the flesh. "He's his father all +over, and also like my poor mother." + +"I have not met his father, dear," said the lady in pink, bowing her +head slightly, "and I never saw your poor mother. You will remember it +was just after your great sorrow that we got to know one another." + +I felt somewhat disillusioned, for this young lady was in no way +different from other pretty women whom I had seen from time to time at +home, especially the daughter of one of our cousins, to whose house I +went every New Year's Day. Only better dressed; otherwise my uncle's +friend had the same quick and kindly glance, the same frank and friendly +manner. I could find no trace in her of the theatrical appearance +which I admired in photographs of actresses, nothing of the diabolical +expression which would have been in keeping with the life she must lead. +I had difficulty in believing that this was one of 'those women,' and +certainly I should never have believed her one of the 'smart ones' had I +not seen the carriage and pair, the pink dress, the pearly necklace, had +I not been aware, too, that my uncle knew only the very best of them. +But I asked myself how the millionaire who gave her her carriage and her +flat and her jewels could find any pleasure in flinging his money away +upon a woman who had so simple and respectable an appearance. And yet, +when I thought of what her life must be like, its immorality disturbed +me more, perhaps, than if it had stood before me in some concrete and +recognisable form, by its secrecy and invisibility, like the plot of a +novel, the hidden truth of a scandal which had driven out of the home +of her middle-class parents and dedicated to the service of all mankind +which had brought to the flowering-point of her beauty, had raised +to fame or notoriety this woman, the play of whose features, the +intonations of whose voice, like so many others I already knew, made me +regard her, in spite of myself, as a young lady of good family, her who +was no longer of a family at all. + +We had gone by this time into the 'study,' and my uncle, who seemed a +trifle embarrassed by my presence, offered her a cigarette. + +"No, thank you, dear friend," she said. "You know I only smoke the ones +the Grand Duke sends me. I tell him that they make you jealous." And +she drew from a case cigarettes covered with inscriptions in gold, in +a foreign language. "Why, yes," she began again suddenly. "Of course I +have met this young man's father with you. Isn't he your nephew? How on +earth could I have forgotten? He was so nice, so charming to me," she +went on, modestly and with feeling. But when I thought to myself what +must actually have been the rude greeting (which, she made out, had been +so charming), I, who knew my father's coldness and reserve, was shocked, +as though at some indelicacy on his part, at the contrast between the +excessive recognition bestowed on it and his never adequate geniality. +It has since struck me as one of the most touching aspects of the part +played in life by these idle, painstaking women that they devote +all their generosity, all their talent, their transferable dreams of +sentimental beauty (for, like all artists, they never seek to realise +the value of those dreams, or to enclose them in the four-square frame +of everyday life), and their gold, which counts for little, to the +fashioning of a fine and precious setting for the rubbed and scratched +and ill-polished lives of men. And just as this one filled the +smoking-room, where my uncle was entertaining her in his alpaca coat, +with her charming person, her dress of pink silk, her pearls, and the +refinement suggested by intimacy with a Grand Duke, so, in the same +way, she had taken some casual remark by my father, had worked it up +delicately, given it a 'turn,' a precious title, set in it the gem of a +glance from her own eyes, a gem of the first water, blended of humility +and gratitude; and so had given it back transformed into a jewel, a work +of art, into something altogether charming. + +"Look here, my boy, it is time you went away," said my uncle. + +I rose; I could scarcely resist a desire to kiss the hand of the lady +in pink, but I felt that to do so would require as much audacity as a +forcible abduction of her. My heart beat loud while I counted out to +myself "Shall I do it, shall I not?" and then I ceased to ask myself +what I ought to do so as at least to do something. Blindly, hotly, +madly, flinging aside all the reasons I had just found to support such +action, I seized and raised to my lips the hand she held out to me. + +"Isn't he delicious! Quite a ladies' man already; he takes after his +uncle. He'll be a perfect 'gentleman,'" she went on, setting her teeth +so as to give the word a kind of English accentuation. "Couldn't he come +to me some day for 'a cup of tea,' as our friends across the channel +say; he need only send me a 'blue' in the morning?" + +I had not the least idea of what a 'blue' might be. I did not understand +half the words which the lady used, but my fear lest there should be +concealed in them some question which it would be impolite in me not to +answer kept me from withdrawing my close attention from them, and I was +beginning to feel extremely tired. + +"No, no; it is impossible," said my uncle, shrugging his shoulders. "He +is kept busy at home all day; he has plenty of work to do. He brings +back all the prizes from his school," he added in a lower tone, so that +I should not hear this falsehood and interrupt with a contradiction. +"You can't tell; he may turn out a little Victor Hugo, a kind of +Vaulabelle, don't you know." + +"Oh, I love artistic people," replied the lady in pink; "there is no +one like them for understanding women. Them, and really nice men like +yourself. But please forgive my ignorance. Who, what is Vaulabelle? Is +it those gilt books in the little glass case in your drawing-room? You +know you promised to lend them to me; I will take great care of them." + +My uncle, who hated lending people books, said nothing, and ushered me +out into the hall. Madly in love with the lady in pink, I covered my +old uncle's tobacco-stained cheeks with passionate kisses, and while he, +awkwardly enough, gave me to understand (without actually saying) that +he would rather I did not tell my parents about this visit, I assured +him, with tears in my eyes, that his kindness had made so strong an +impression upon me that some day I would most certainly find a way of +expressing my gratitude. So strong an impression had it made upon me +that two hours later, after a string of mysterious utterances which did +not strike me as giving my parents a sufficiently clear idea of the new +importance with which I had been invested, I found it simpler to let +them have a full account, omitting no detail, of the visit I had paid +that afternoon. In doing this I had no thought of causing my uncle any +unpleasantness. How could I have thought such a thing, since I did not +wish it? And I could not suppose that my parents would see any harm in +a visit in which I myself saw none. Every day of our lives does not +some friend or other ask us to make his apologies, without fail, to some +woman to whom he has been prevented from writing; and do not we forget +to do so, feeling that this woman cannot attach much importance to a +silence which has none for ourselves? I imagined, like everyone else, +that the brains of other people were lifeless and submissive receptacles +with no power of specific reaction to any stimulus which might be +applied to them; and I had not the least doubt that when I deposited in +the minds of my parents the news of the acquaintance I had made at my +uncle's I should at the same time transmit to them the kindly judgment +I myself had based on the introduction. Unfortunately my parents had +recourse to principles entirely different from those which I suggested +they should adopt when they came to form their estimate of my uncle's +conduct. My father and grandfather had 'words' with him of a violent +order; as I learned indirectly. A few days later, passing my uncle in +the street as he drove by in an open carriage, Î felt at once all the +grief, the gratitude, the remorse which I should have liked to convey to +him. Beside the immensity of these emotions I considered that merely to +raise my hat to him would be incongruous and petty, and might make +him think that I regarded myself as bound to shew him no more than the +commonest form of courtesy. I decided to abstain from so inadequate a +gesture, and turned my head away. My uncle thought that, in doing so I +was obeying my parents' orders; he never forgave them; and though he +did not die until many years later, not one of us ever set eyes on him +again. + +And so I no longer used to go into the little sitting-room (now kept +shut) of my uncle Adolphe; instead, after hanging about on the outskirts +of the back-kitchen until Françoise appeared on its threshold and +announced: "I am going to let the kitchen-maid serve the coffee and take +up the hot water; it is time I went off to Mme. Octave," I would then +decide to go indoors, and would go straight upstairs to my room to read. +The kitchen-maid was an abstract personality, a permanent institution +to which an invariable set of attributes assured a sort of fixity and +continuity and identity throughout the long series of transitory human +shapes in which that personality was incarnate; for we never found the +same girl there two years running. In the year in which we ate such +quantities of asparagus, the kitchen-maid whose duty it was to dress +them was a poor sickly creature, some way 'gone' in pregnancy when +we arrived at Combray for Easter, and it was indeed surprising that +Françoise allowed her to run so many errands in the town and to do so +much work in the house, for she was beginning to find a difficulty in +bearing before her the mysterious casket, fuller and larger every day, +whose splendid outline could be detected through the folds of her ample +smocks. These last recalled the cloaks in which Giotto shrouds some of +the allegorical figures in his paintings, of which M. Swann had given +me photographs. He it was who pointed out the resemblance, and when he +inquired after the kitchen-maid he would say: "Well, how goes it with +Giotto's Charity?" And indeed the poor girl, whose pregnancy had swelled +and stoutened every part of her, even to her face, and the vertical, +squared outlines of her cheeks, did distinctly suggest those virgins, +so strong and mannish as to seem matrons rather, in whom the Virtues are +personified in the Arena Chapel. And I can see now that those Virtues +and Vices of Padua resembled her in another respect as well. For just as +the figure of this girl had been enlarged by the additional symbol which +she carried in her body, without appearing to understand what it meant, +without any rendering in her facial expression of all its beauty and +spiritual significance, but carried as if it were an ordinary and rather +heavy burden, so it is without any apparent suspicion of what she is +about that the powerfully built housewife who is portrayed in the Arena +beneath the label 'Caritas,' and a reproduction of whose portrait hung +upon the wall of my schoolroom at Combray, incarnates that virtue, for +it seems impossible that any thought of charity can ever have found +expression in her vulgar and energetic face. By a fine stroke of the +painter's invention she is tumbling all the treasures of the earth at +her feet, but exactly as if she were treading grapes in a wine-press to +extract their juice, or, still more, as if she had climbed on a heap of +sacks to raise herself higher; and she is holding out her flaming heart +to God, or shall we say 'handing' it to Him, exactly as a cook might +hand up a corkscrew through the skylight of her underground kitchen to +some one who had called down to ask her for it from the ground-level +above. The 'Invidia,' again, should have had some look on her face of +envy. But in this fresco, too, the symbol occupies so large a place and +is represented with such realism; the serpent hissing between the lips +of Envy is so huge, and so completely fills her wide-opened mouth that +the muscles of her face are strained and contorted, like a child's who +is filling a balloon with his breath, and that Envy, and we ourselves +for that matter, when we look at her, since all her attention and ours +are concentrated on the action of her lips, have no time, almost, to +spare for envious thoughts. + +Despite all the admiration that M. Swann might profess for these figures +of Giotto, it was a long time before I could find any pleasure in seeing +in our schoolroom (where the copies he had brought me were hung) that +Charity devoid of charity, that Envy who looked like nothing so much +as a plate in some medical book, illustrating the compression of the +glottis or uvula by a tumour in the tongue, or by the introduction of +the operator's instrument, a Justice whose greyish and meanly regular +features were the very same as those which adorned the faces of certain +good and pious and slightly withered ladies of Combray whom I used to +see at mass, many of whom had long been enrolled in the reserve forces +of Injustice. But in later years I understood that the arresting +strangeness, the special beauty of these frescoes lay in the great part +played in each of them by its symbols, while the fact that these +were depicted, not as symbols (for the thought symbolised was nowhere +expressed), but as real things, actually felt or materially handled, +added something more precise and more literal to their meaning, +something more concrete and more striking to the lesson they imparted. +And even in the case of the poor kitchen-maid, was not our attention +incessantly drawn to her belly by the load which filled it; and in the +same way, again, are not the thoughts of men and women in the agony of +death often turned towards the practical, painful, obscure, internal, +intestinal aspect, towards that 'seamy side' of death which is, as it +happens, the side that death actually presents to them and forces them +to feel, a side which far more closely resembles a crushing burden, a +difficulty in breathing, a destroying thirst, than the abstract idea to +which we are accustomed to give the name of Death? + +There must have been a strong element of reality in those Virtues and +Vices of Padua, since they appeared to me to be as much alive as +the pregnant servant-girl, while she herself appeared scarcely less +allegorical than they. And, quite possibly, this lack (or seeming lack) +of participation by a person's soul in the significant marks of its own +special virtue has, apart from its aesthetic meaning, a reality which, +if not strictly psychological, may at least be called physiognomical. +Later on, when, in the course of my life, I have had occasion to meet +with, in convents for instance, literally saintly examples of practical +charity, they have generally had the brisk, decided, undisturbed, and +slightly brutal air of a busy surgeon, the face in which one can discern +no commiseration, no tenderness at the sight of suffering humanity, and +no fear of hurting it, the face devoid of gentleness or sympathy, the +sublime face of true goodness. + +Then while the kitchen-maid--who, all unawares, made the superior +qualities of Françoise shine with added lustre, just as Error, by +force of contrast, enhances the triumph of Truth--took in coffee which +(according to Mamma) was nothing more than hot water, and then carried +up to our rooms hot water which was barely tepid, I would be lying +stretched out on my bed, a book in my hand, in my room which trembled +with the effort to defend its frail, transparent coolness against the +afternoon sun, behind its almost closed shutters through which, however, +a reflection of the sunlight had contrived to slip in on its golden +wings, remaining motionless, between glass and woodwork, in a corner, +like a butterfly poised upon a flower. It was hardly light enough for +me to read, and my feeling of the day's brightness and splendour was +derived solely from the blows struck down below, in the Rue de la Cure, +by Camus (whom Françoise had assured that my aunt was not 'resting' and +that he might therefore make a noise), upon some old packing-cases from +which nothing would really be sent flying but the dust, though the din +of them, in the resonant atmosphere that accompanies hot weather, seemed +to scatter broadcast a rain of blood-red stars; and from the flies who +performed for my benefit, in their small concert, as it might be the +chamber music of summer; evoking heat and light quite differently from +an air of human music which, if you happen to have heard it during a +fine summer, will always bring that summer back to your mind, the flies' +music is bound to the season by a closer, a more vital tie--born of +sunny days, and not to be reborn but with them, containing something +of their essential nature, it not merely calls up their image in our +memory, but gives us a guarantee that they do really exist, that they +are close around us, immediately accessible. + +This dim freshness of my room was to the broad daylight of the street +what the shadow is to the sunbeam, that is to say, equally luminous, +and presented to my imagination the entire panorama of summer, which +my senses, if I had been out walking, could have tasted and enjoyed in +fragments only; and so was quite in harmony with my state of repose, +which (thanks to the adventures related in my books, which had just +excited it) bore, like a hand reposing motionless in a stream of running +water, the shock and animation of a torrent of activity and life. + +But my grandmother, even if the weather, after growing too hot, had +broken, and a storm, or just a shower, had burst over us, would come up +and beg me to go outside. And as I did not wish to leave off my book, I +would go on with it in the garden, under the chestnut-tree, in a little +sentry-box of canvas and matting, in the farthest recesses of which I +used to sit and feel that I was hidden from the eyes of anyone who might +be coming to call upon the family. + +And then my thoughts, did not they form a similar sort of hiding-hole, +in the depths of which I felt that I could bury myself and remain +invisible even when I was looking at what went on outside? When I saw +any external object, my consciousness that I was seeing it would remain +between me and it, enclosing it in a slender, incorporeal outline which +prevented me from ever coming directly in contact with the material +form; for it would volatilise itself in some way before I could touch +it, just as an incandescent body which is moved towards something wet +never actually touches moisture, since it is always preceded, itself, by +a zone of evaporation. Upon the sort of screen, patterned with different +states and impressions, which my consciousness would quietly unfold +while I was reading, and which ranged from the most deeply hidden +aspirations of my heart to the wholly external view of the horizon +spread out before my eyes at the foot of the garden, what was from the +first the most permanent and the most intimate part of me, the lever +whose incessant movements controlled all the rest, was my belief in the +philosophic richness and beauty of the book I was reading, and my desire +to appropriate these to myself, whatever the book might be. For even if +I had purchased it at Combray, having seen it outside Borange's, whose +grocery lay too far from our house for Françoise to be able to deal +there, as she did with Camus, but who enjoyed better custom as a +stationer and bookseller; even if I had seen it, tied with string to +keep it in its place in the mosaic of monthly parts and pamphlets which +adorned either side of his doorway, a doorway more mysterious, more +teeming with suggestion than that of a cathedral, I should have noticed +and bought it there simply because I had recognised it as a book which +had been well spoken of, in my hearing, by the school-master or the +school-friend who, at that particular time, seemed to me to be +entrusted with the secret of Truth and Beauty, things half-felt by me, +half-incomprehensible, the full understanding of which was the vague but +permanent object of my thoughts. + +Next to this central belief, which, while I was reading, would be +constantly a motion from my inner self to the outer world, towards the +discovery of Truth, came the emotions aroused in me by the action in +which I would be taking part, for these afternoons were crammed with +more dramatic and sensational events than occur, often, in a whole +lifetime. These were the events which took place in the book I was +reading. It is true that the people concerned in them were not what +Françoise would have called 'real people.' But none of the feelings +which the joys or misfortunes of a 'real' person awaken in us can be +awakened except through a mental picture of those joys or misfortunes; +and the ingenuity of the first novelist lay in his understanding +that, as the picture was the one essential element in the complicated +structure of our emotions, so that simplification of it which consisted +in the suppression, pure and simple, of 'real' people would be a decided +improvement. A 'real' person, profoundly as we may sympathise with him, +is in a great measure perceptible only through our senses, that is to +say, he remains opaque, offers a dead weight which our sensibilities +have not the strength to lift. If some misfortune comes to him, it is +only in one small section of the complete idea we have of him that +we are capable of feeling any emotion; indeed it is only in one small +section of the complete idea he has of himself that he is capable of +feeling any emotion either. The novelist's happy discovery was to think +of substituting for those opaque sections, impenetrable by the human +spirit, their equivalent in immaterial sections, things, that is, which +the spirit can assimilate to itself. After which it matters not that the +actions, the feelings of this new order of creatures appear to us in +the guise of truth, since we have made them our own, since it is in +ourselves that they are happening, that they are holding in thrall, +while we turn over, feverishly, the pages of the book, our quickened +breath and staring eyes. And once the novelist has brought us to that +state, in which, as in all purely mental states, every emotion is +multiplied ten-fold, into which his book comes to disturb us as might +a dream, but a dream more lucid, and of a more lasting impression than +those which come to us in sleep; why, then, for the space of an hour +he sets free within us all the joys and sorrows in the world, a few of +which, only, we should have to spend years of our actual life in getting +to know, and the keenest, the most intense of which would never have +been revealed to us because the slow course of their development stops +our perception of them. It is the same in life; the heart changes, and +that is our worst misfortune; but we learn of it only from reading or by +imagination; for in reality its alteration, like that of certain natural +phenomena, is so gradual that, even if we are able to distinguish, +successively, each of its different states, we are still spared the +actual sensation of change. + +Next to, but distinctly less intimate a part of myself than this human +element, would come the view, more or less projected before my eyes, +of the country in which the action of the story was taking place, which +made a far stronger impression on my mind than the other, the actual +landscape which would meet my eyes when I raised them from my book. In +this way, for two consecutive summers I used to sit in the heat of our +Combray garden, sick with a longing inspired by the book I was then +reading for a land of mountains and rivers, where I could see an endless +vista of sawmills, where beneath the limpid currents fragments of +wood lay mouldering in beds of watercress; and nearby, rambling and +clustering along low walls, purple flowers and red. And since there was +always lurking in my mind the dream of a woman who would enrich me with +her love, that dream in those two summers used to be quickened with the +freshness and coolness of running water; and whoever she might be, the +woman whose image I called to mind, purple flowers and red would at once +spring up on either side of her like complementary colours. + +This was not only because an image of which we dream remains for ever +distinguished, is adorned and enriched by the association of colours not +its own which may happen to surround it in our mental picture; for the +scenes in the books I read were to me not merely scenery more vividly +portrayed by my imagination than any which Combray could spread before +my eyes but otherwise of the same kind. Because of the selection that +the author had made of them, because of the spirit of faith in which +my mind would exceed and anticipate his printed word, as it might +be interpreting a revelation, these scenes used to give me the +impression--one which I hardly ever derived from any place in which +I might happen to be, and never from our garden, that undistinguished +product of the strictly conventional fantasy of the gardener whom my +grandmother so despised--of their being actually part of Nature herself, +and worthy to be studied and explored. + +Had my parents allowed me, when I read a book, to pay a visit to the +country it described, I should have felt that I was making an enormous +advance towards the ultimate conquest of truth. For even if we have +the sensation of being always enveloped in, surrounded by our own soul, +still it does not seem a fixed and immovable prison; rather do we seem +to be borne away with it, and perpetually struggling to pass beyond it, +to break out into the world, with a perpetual discouragement as we hear +endlessly, all around us, that unvarying sound which is no echo from +without, but the resonance of a vibration from within. We try to +discover in things, endeared to us on that account, the spiritual +glamour which we ourselves have cast upon them; we are disillusioned, +and learn that they are in themselves barren and devoid of the charm +which they owed, in our minds, to the association of certain ideas; +sometimes we mobilise all our spiritual forces in a glittering array so +as to influence and subjugate other human beings who, as we very well +know, are situated outside ourselves, where we can never reach them. And +so, if I always imagined the woman I loved as in a setting of whatever +places I most longed, at the time, to visit; if in my secret longings +it was she who attracted me to them, who opened to me the gate of an +unknown world, that was not by the mere hazard of a simple association +of thoughts; no, it was because my dreams of travel and of love were +only moments--which I isolate artificially to-day as though I +were cutting sections, at different heights, in a jet of water, +rainbow-flashing but seemingly without flow or motion--were only drops +in a single, undeviating, irresistible outrush of all the forces of my +life. + +And then, as I continue to trace the outward course of these impressions +from their close-packed intimate source in my consciousness, and +before I come to the horizon of reality which envelops them, I discover +pleasures of another kind, those of being comfortably seated, of tasting +the good scent on the air, of not being disturbed by any visitor; and, +when an hour chimed from the steeple of Saint-Hilaire, of watching what +was already spent of the afternoon fall drop by drop until I heard the +last stroke which enabled me to add up the total sum, after which the +silence that followed seemed to herald the beginning, in the blue sky +above me, of that long part of the day still allowed me for reading, +until the good dinner which Françoise was even now preparing should come +to strengthen and refresh me after the strenuous pursuit of its hero +through the pages of my book. And, as each hour struck, it would seem to +me that a few seconds only had passed since the hour before; the latest +would inscribe itself, close to its predecessor, on the sky's surface, +and I would be unable to believe that sixty minutes could be squeezed +into the tiny arc of blue which was comprised between their two golden +figures. Sometimes it would even happen that this precocious hour would +sound two strokes more than the last; there must then have been an hour +which I had not heard strike; something which had taken place had not +taken place for me; the fascination of my book, a magic as potent as the +deepest slumber, had stopped my enchanted ears and had obliterated +the sound of that golden bell from the azure surface of the enveloping +silence. Sweet Sunday afternoons beneath the chestnut-tree in our +Combray garden, from which I was careful to eliminate every commonplace +incident of my actual life, replacing them by a career of strange +adventures and ambitions in a land watered by living streams, you still +recall those adventures and ambitions to my mind when I think of you, +and you embody and preserve them by virtue of having little by little +drawn round and enclosed them (while I went on with my book and the heat +of the day declined) in the gradual crystallisation, slowly altering +in form and dappled with a pattern of chestnut-leaves, of your silent, +sonorous, fragrant, limpid hours. + +Sometimes I would be torn from my book, in the middle of the afternoon, +by the gardener's daughter, who came running like a mad thing, +overturning an orange-tree in its tub, cutting a finger, breaking a +tooth, and screaming out "They're coming, they're coming!" so that +Françoise and I should run too and not miss anything of the show. That +was on days when the cavalry stationed in Combray went out for some +military exercise, going as a rule by the Rue Sainte-Hildegarde. While +our servants, sitting in a row on their chairs outside the garden +railings, stared at the people of Combray taking their Sunday walks and +were stared at in return, the gardener's daughter, through the gap which +there was between two houses far away in the Avenue de la Gare, would +have spied the glitter of helmets. The servants then hurried in +with their chairs, for when the troopers filed through the Rue +Sainte-Hildegarde they filled it from side to side, and their jostling +horses scraped against the walls of the houses, covering and drowning +the pavements like banks which present too narrow a channel to a river +in flood. + +"Poor children," Françoise would exclaim, in tears almost before she +had reached the railings; "poor boys, to be mown down like grass in a +meadow. It's just shocking to think of," she would go on, laying a hand +over her heart, where presumably she had felt the shock. + +"A fine sight, isn't it, Mme. Françoise, all these young fellows not +caring two straws for their lives?" the gardener would ask, just to +'draw' her. And he would not have spoken in vain. + +"Not caring for their lives, is it? Why, what in the world is there that +we should care for if it's not our lives, the only gift the Lord never +offers us a second time? Oh dear, oh dear; you're right all the same; +it's quite true, they don't care! I can remember them in '70; in those +wretched wars they've no fear of death left in them; they're nothing +more nor less than madmen; and then they aren't worth the price of a +rope to hang them with; they're not men any more, they're lions." For +by her way of thinking, to compare a man with a lion, which she used to +pronounce 'lie-on,' was not at all complimentary to the man. + +The Rue Sainte-Hildegarde turned too sharply for us to be able to see +people approaching at any distance, and it was only through the gap +between those two houses in the Avenue de la Gare that we could still +make out fresh helmets racing along towards us, and flashing in the +sunlight. The gardener wanted to know whether there were still many to +come, and he was thirsty besides, with the sun beating down upon his +head. So then, suddenly, his daughter would leap out, as though from +a beleaguered city, would make a sortie, turn the street corner, and, +having risked her life a hundred times over, reappear and bring us, +with a jug of liquorice-water, the news that there were still at least +a thousand of them, pouring along without a break from the direction +of Thiberzy and Méséglise. Françoise and the gardener, having 'made up' +their difference, would discuss the line to be followed in case of war. + +"Don't you see, Françoise," he would say. "Revolution would be better, +because then no one would need to join in unless he liked." + +"Oh, yes, I can see that, certainly; it's more straightforward." + +The gardener believed that, as soon as war was declared, they would stop +all the railways. + +"Yes, to be sure; so that we sha'n't get away," said Françoise. + +And the gardener would assent, with "Ay, they're the cunning ones," for +he would not allow that war was anything but a kind of trick which the +state attempted to play on the people, or that there was a man in the +world who would not run away from it if he had the chance to do so. + +But Françoise would hasten back to my aunt, and I would return to my +book, and the servants would take their places again outside the gate to +watch the dust settle on the pavement, and the excitement caused by the +passage of the soldiers subside. Long after order had been restored, +an abnormal tide of humanity would continue to darken the streets of +Combray. And in front of every house, even of those where it was not, +as a rule, 'done,' the servants, and sometimes even the masters would +sit and stare, festooning their doorsteps with a dark, irregular fringe, +like the border of shells and sea-weed which a stronger tide than usual +leaves on the beach, as though trimming it with embroidered crape, when +the sea itself has retreated. + +Except on such days as these, however, I would as a rule be left to read +in peace. But the interruption which a visit from Swann once made, and +the commentary which he then supplied to the course of my reading, +which had brought me to the work of an author quite new to me, called +Bergotte, had this definite result that for a long time afterwards +it was not against a wall gay with spikes of purple blossom, but on a +wholly different background, the porch of a gothic cathedral, that I +would see outlined the figure of one of the women of whom I dreamed. + +I had heard Bergotte spoken of, for the first time, by a friend older +than myself, for whom I had a strong admiration, a precious youth of the +name of Bloch. Hearing me confess my love of the _Nuit d'Octobre_, he +had burst out in a bray of laughter, like a bugle-call, and told me, +by way of warning: "You must conquer your vile taste for A. de Musset, +Esquire. He is a bad egg, one of the very worst, a pretty detestable +specimen. I am bound to admit, natheless," he added graciously, "that +he, and even the man Racine, did, each of them, once in his life, +compose a line which is not only fairly rhythmical, but has also what is +in my eyes the supreme merit of meaning absolutely nothing. One is + + + _La blanche Oloossone et la blanche Camire_, + +and the other + + + _La fille de Minos et de Pasiphaë_." + +They were submitted to my judgment, as evidence for the defence of the +two runagates, in an article by my very dear master Father Lecomte, who +is found pleasing in the sight of the immortal gods. By which token, +here is a book which I have not the time, just now, to read, a book +recommended, it would seem, by that colossal fellow. He regards, or so +they tell me, its author, one Bergotte, Esquire, as a subtle scribe, +more subtle, indeed, than any beast of the field; and, albeit he +exhibits on occasion a critical pacifism, a tenderness in suffering +fools, for which it is impossible to account, and hard to make +allowance, still his word has weight with me as it were the Delphic +Oracle. Read you then this lyrical prose, and, if the Titanic +master-builder of rhythm who composed _Bhagavat_ and the _Lévrier de +Magnus_ speaks not falsely, then, by Apollo, you may taste, even you, my +master, the ambrosial joys of Olympus." It was in an ostensible vein of +sarcasm that he had asked me to call him, and that he himself called me, +"my master." But, as a matter of fact, we each derived a certain amount +of satisfaction from the mannerism, being still at the age in which one +believes that one gives a thing real existence by giving it a name. + +Unfortunately I was not able to set at rest, by further talks with +Bloch, in which I might have insisted upon an explanation, the doubts +he had engendered in me when he told me that fine lines of poetry (from +which I, if you please, expected nothing less than the revelation of +truth itself) were all the finer if they meant absolutely nothing. For, +as it happened, Bloch was not invited to the house again. At first, he +had been well received there. It is true that my grandfather made out +that, whenever I formed a strong attachment to any one of my friends and +brought him home with me, that friend was invariably a Jew; to which he +would not have objected on principle--indeed his own friend Swann was +of Jewish extraction--had he not found that the Jews whom I chose as +friends were not usually of the best type. And so I was hardly ever able +to bring a new friend home without my grandfather's humming the "O, +God of our fathers" from _La Juive_, or else "Israel, break thy chain," +singing the tune alone, of course, to an "um-ti-tum-ti-tum, tra-la"; but +I used to be afraid of my friend's recognising the sound, and so being +able to reconstruct the words. + +Before seeing them, merely on hearing their names, about which, as often +as not, there was nothing particularly Hebraic, he would divine not only +the Jewish origin of such of my friends as might indeed be of the chosen +people, but even some dark secret which was hidden in their family. + +"And what do they call your friend who is coming this evening?" + +"Dumont, grandpapa." + +"Dumont! Oh, I'm frightened of Dumont." + +And he would sing: + + + Archers, be on your guard! + Watch without rest, without sound, + +and then, after a few adroit questions on points of detail, he would +call out "On guard! on guard," or, if it were the victim himself who +had already arrived, and had been obliged, unconsciously, by my +grandfather's subtle examination, to admit his origin, then my +grandfather, to shew us that he had no longer any doubts, would merely +look at us, humming almost inaudibly the air of + + + What! do you hither guide the feet + Of this timid Israelite? + +or of + + + Sweet vale of Hebron, dear paternal fields, + +or, perhaps, of + + + Yes, I am of the chosen race. + +These little eccentricities on my grandfather's part implied no ill-will +whatsoever towards my friends. But Bloch had displeased my family for +other reasons. He had begun by annoying my father, who, seeing him come +in with wet clothes, had asked him with keen interest: + +"Why, M. Bloch, is there a change in the weather; has it been raining? I +can't understand it; the barometer has been 'set fair.'" + +Which drew from Bloch nothing more instructive than "Sir, I am +absolutely incapable of telling you whether it has rained. I live so +resolutely apart from physical contingencies that my senses no longer +trouble to inform me of them." + +"My poor boy," said my father after Bloch had gone, "your friend is out +of his mind. Why, he couldn't even tell me what the weather was like. As +if there could be anything more interesting! He is an imbecile." + +Next, Bloch had displeased my grandmother because, after luncheon, when +she complained of not feeling very well, he had stifled a sob and wiped +the tears from his eyes. + +"You cannot imagine that he is sincere," she observed to me. "Why he +doesn't know me. Unless he's mad, of course." + +And finally he had upset the whole household when he arrived an hour +and a half late for luncheon and covered with mud from head to foot, and +made not the least apology, saying merely: "I never allow myself to be +influenced in the smallest degree either by atmospheric disturbances or +by the arbitrary divisions of what is known as Time. I would willingly +reintroduce to society the opium pipe of China or the Malayan kriss, but +I am wholly and entirely without instruction in those infinitely more +pernicious (besides being quite bleakly bourgeois) implements, the +umbrella and the watch." + +In spite of all this he would still have been received at Combray. He +was, of course, hardly the friend my parents would have chosen for +me; they had, in the end, decided that the tears which he had shed on +hearing of my grandmother's illness were genuine enough; but they +knew, either instinctively or from their own experience, that our early +impulsive emotions have but little influence over our later actions and +the conduct of our lives; and that regard for moral obligations, loyalty +to our friends, patience in finishing our work, obedience to a rule +of life, have a surer foundation in habits solidly formed and blindly +followed than in these momentary transports, ardent but sterile. They +would have preferred to Bloch, as companions for myself, boys who would +have given me no more than it is proper, by all the laws of middle-class +morality, for boys to give one another, who would not unexpectedly +send me a basket of fruit because they happened, that morning, to have +thought of me with affection, but who, since they were incapable of +inclining in my favour, by any single impulse of their imagination and +emotions, the exact balance of the duties and claims of friendship, were +as incapable of loading the scales to my prejudice. Even the injuries +we do them will not easily divert from the path of their duty towards us +those conventional natures of which my great-aunt furnished a type: who, +after quarrelling for years with a niece, to whom she never spoke again, +yet made no change in the will in which she had left that niece the +whole of her fortune, because she was her next-of-kin, and it was the +'proper thing' to do. + +But I was fond of Bloch; my parents wished me to be happy; and the +insoluble problems which I set myself on such texts as the 'absolutely +meaningless' beauty of _La fille de Minos et de Pasiphaë_ tired me more +and made me more unwell than I should have been after further talks with +him, unwholesome as those talks might seem to my mother's mind. And he +would still have been received at Combray but for one thing. That same +night, after dinner, having informed me (a piece of news which had a +great influence on my later life, making it happier at one time and then +more unhappy) that no woman ever thought of anything but love, and that +there was not one of them whose resistance a man could not overcome, +he had gone on to assure me that he had heard it said on unimpeachable +authority that my great-aunt herself had led a 'gay' life in her younger +days, and had been notoriously 'kept.' I could not refrain from passing +on so important a piece of information to my parents; the next time +Bloch called he was not admitted, and afterwards, when I met him in the +street, he greeted me with extreme coldness. + +But in the matter of Bergotte he had spoken truly. + +For the first few days, like a tune which will be running in one's head +and maddening one soon enough, but of which one has not for the moment +'got hold,' the things I was to love so passionately in Bergotte's style +had not yet caught my eye. I could not, it is true, lay down the novel +of his which I was reading, but I fancied that I was interested in the +story alone, as in the first dawn of love, when we go every day to meet +a woman at some party or entertainment by the charm of which we imagine +it is that we are attracted. Then I observed the rare, almost archaic +phrases which he liked to employ at certain points, where a hidden flow +of harmony, a prelude contained and concealed in the work itself would +animate and elevate his style; and it was at such points as these, +too, that he would begin to speak of the "vain dream of life," of the +"inexhaustible torrent of fair forms," of the "sterile, splendid torture +of understanding and loving," of the "moving effigies which ennoble for +all time the charming and venerable fronts of our cathedrals"; that he +would express a whole system of philosophy, new to me, by the use of +marvellous imagery, to the inspiration of which I would naturally have +ascribed that sound of harping which began to chime and echo in my ears, +an accompaniment to which that imagery added something ethereal and +sublime. One of these passages of Bergotte, the third or fourth which I +had detached from the rest, filled me with a joy to which the meagre joy +I had tasted in the first passage bore no comparison, a joy which I felt +myself to have experienced in some innermost chamber of my soul, deep, +undivided, vast, from which all obstructions and partitions seemed to +have been swept away. For what had happened was that, while I recognised +in this passage the same taste for uncommon phrases, the same bursts +of music, the same idealist philosophy which had been present in the +earlier passages without my having taken them into account as the source +of my pleasure, I now no longer had the impression of being confronted +by a particular passage in one of Bergotte's works, which traced a +purely bi-dimensional figure in outline upon the surface of my mind, but +rather of the 'ideal passage' of Bergotte, common to every one of his +books, and to which all the earlier, similar passages, now becoming +merged in it, had added a kind of density and volume, by which my own +understanding seemed to be enlarged. + +I was by no means Bergotte's sole admirer; he was the favourite writer +also of a friend of my mother's, a highly literary lady; while Dr. du +Boulbon had kept all his patients waiting until he finished Bergotte's +latest volume; and it was from his consulting room, and from a house in +a park near Combray that some of the first seeds were scattered of that +taste for Bergotte, a rare-growth in those days, but now so universally +acclimatised that one finds it flowering everywhere throughout Europe +and America, and even in the tiniest villages, rare still in its +refinement, but in that alone. What my mother's friend, and, it would +seem, what Dr. du Boulbon liked above all in the writings of Bergotte +was just what I liked, the same flow of melody, the same old-fashioned +phrases, and certain others, quite simple and familiar, but so placed by +him, in such prominence, as to hint at a particular quality of taste on +his part; and also, in the sad parts of his books, a sort of roughness, +a tone that was almost harsh. And he himself, no doubt, realised that +these were his principal attractions. For in his later books, if he had +hit upon some great truth, or upon the name of an historic cathedral, +he would break off his narrative, and in an invocation, an apostrophe, a +lengthy prayer, would give a free outlet to that effluence which, in +the earlier volumes, remained buried beneath the form of his prose, +discernible only in a rippling of its surface, and perhaps even more +delightful, more harmonious when it was thus veiled from the eye, when +the reader could give no precise indication of where the murmur of the +current began, or of where it died away. These passages in which he +delighted were our favourites also. For my own part I knew all of them +by heart. I felt even disappointed when he resumed the thread of his +narrative. Whenever he spoke of something whose beauty had until +then remained hidden from me, of pine-forests or of hailstorms, of +_Notre-Dame de Paris_, of _Athalie_, or of _Phèdre_, by some piece +of imagery he would make their beauty explode and drench me with its +essence. And so, dimly realising that the universe contained innumerable +elements which my feeble senses would be powerless to discern, did he +not bring them within my reach, I wished that I might have his opinion, +some metaphor of his, upon everything in the world, and especially upon +such things as I might have an opportunity, some day, of seeing for +myself; and among such things, more particularly still upon some of the +historic buildings of France, upon certain views of the sea, because the +emphasis with which, in his books, he referred to these shewed that he +regarded them as rich in significance and beauty. But, alas, upon almost +everything in the world his opinion was unknown to me. I had no doubt +that it would differ entirely from my own, since his came down from an +unknown sphere towards which I was striving to raise myself; convinced +that my thoughts would have seemed pure foolishness to that perfected +spirit, I had so completely obliterated them all that, if I happened to +find in one of his books something which had already occurred to my own +mind, my heart would swell with gratitude and pride as though some deity +had, in his infinite bounty, restored it to me, had pronounced it to be +beautiful and right. It happened now and then that a page of Bergotte +would express precisely those ideas which I used often at night, when +I was unable to sleep, to write to my grandmother and mother, and so +concisely and well that his page had the appearance of a collection of +mottoes for me to set at the head of my letters. And so too, in later +years, when I began to compose a book of my own, and the quality of some +of my sentences seemed so inadequate that I could not make up my mind to +go on with the undertaking, I would find the equivalent of my sentences +in Bergotte's. But it was only then, when I read them in his pages, +that I could enjoy them; when it was I myself who composed them, in +my anxiety that they should exactly reproduce what I seemed to have +detected in my mind, and in my fear of their not turning out 'true to +life,' I had no time to ask myself whether what I was writing would be +pleasant to read! But indeed there was no kind of language, no kind of +ideas which I really liked, except these. My feverish and unsatisfactory +attempts were themselves a token of my love, a love which brought me no +pleasure, but was, for all that, intense and deep. And so, when I came +suddenly upon similar phrases in the writings of another, that is to say +stripped of their familiar accompaniment of scruples and repressions and +self-tormentings, I was free to indulge to the full my own appetite +for such things, just as a cook who, once in a while, has no dinner to +prepare for other people, can then find time to gormandise himself. And +so, when I had found, one day, in a book by Bergotte, some joke about +an old family servant, to which his solemn and magnificent style added a +great deal of irony, but which was in principle what I had often said to +my grandmother about Françoise, and when, another time, I had discovered +that he thought not unworthy of reflection in one of those mirrors of +absolute Truth which were his writings, a remark similar to one which I +had had occasion to make on our friend M. Legrandin (and, moreover, my +remarks on Françoise and M. Legrandin were among those which I would +most resolutely have sacrificed for Bergotte's sake, in the belief +that he would find them quite without interest); then it was suddenly +revealed to me that my own humble existence and the Realms of Truth were +less widely separated than I had supposed, that at certain points they +were actually in contact; and in my new-found confidence and joy I wept +upon his printed page, as in the arms of a long-lost father. + +From his books I had formed an impression of Bergotte as a frail and +disappointed old man, who had lost his children, and had never found +any consolation. And so I would read, or rather sing his sentences in +my brain, with rather more _dolce_, rather more _lento_ than he himself +had, perhaps, intended, and his simplest phrase would strike my ears +with something peculiarly gentle and loving in its intonation. More than +anything else in the world I cherished his philosophy, and had pledged +myself to it in lifelong devotion. It made me impatient to reach the +age when I should be eligible to attend the class at school called +'Philosophy.' I did not wish to learn or do anything else there, but +simply to exist and be guided entirely by the mind of Bergotte, and, +if I had been told then that the metaphysicians whom I was actually to +follow there resembled him in nothing, I should have been struck down by +the despair a young lover feels who has sworn lifelong fidelity, when +a friend speaks to him of the other mistresses he will have in time to +come. + +One Sunday, while I was reading in the garden, I was interrupted by +Swann, who had come to call upon my parents. + +"What are you reading? May I look? Why, it's Bergotte! Who has been +telling you about him?" + +I replied that Bloch was responsible. + +"Oh, yes, that boy I saw here once, who looks so like the Bellini +portrait of Mahomet II. It's an astonishing likeness; he has the same +arched eyebrows and hooked nose and prominent cheekbones. When his beard +comes he'll be Mahomet himself. Anyhow he has good taste, for Bergotte +is a charming creature." And seeing how much I seemed to admire +Bergotte, Swann, who never spoke at all about the people he knew, made +an exception in my favour and said: "I know him well; if you would like +him to write a few words on the title-page of your book I could ask him +for you." + +I dared not accept such an offer, but bombarded Swann with questions +about his friend. "Can you tell me, please, who is his favourite actor?" + +"Actor? No, I can't say. But I do know this: there's not a man on the +stage whom he thinks equal to Berma; he puts her above everyone. Have +you seen her?" + +"No, sir, my parents do not allow me to go to the theatre." + +"That is a pity. You should insist. Berma in _Phèdre_, in the _Cid_; +well, she's only an actress, if you like, but you know that I don't +believe very much in the 'hierarchy' of the arts." As he spoke I +noticed, what had often struck me before in his conversations with +my grandmother's sisters, that whenever he spoke of serious matters, +whenever he used an expression which seemed to imply a definite opinion +upon some important subject, he would take care to isolate, to sterilise +it by using a special intonation, mechanical and ironic, as though he +had put the phrase or word between inverted commas, and was anxious +to disclaim any personal responsibility for it; as who should say "the +'hierarchy,' don't you know, as silly people call it." But then, if it +was so absurd, why did he say the 'hierarchy'? A moment later he went +on: "Her acting will give you as noble an inspiration as any masterpiece +of art in the world, as--oh, I don't know--" and he began to laugh, +"shall we say the Queens of Chartres?" Until then I had supposed that +his horror of having to give a serious opinion was something Parisian +and refined, in contrast to the provincial dogmatism of my grandmother's +sisters; and I had imagined also that it was characteristic of the +mental attitude towards life of the circle in which Swann moved, +where, by a natural reaction from the 'lyrical' enthusiasms of earlier +generations, an excessive importance was given to small and precise +facts, formerly regarded as vulgar, and anything in the nature of +'phrase-making' was banned. But now I found myself slightly shocked +by this attitude which Swann invariably adopted when face to face with +generalities. He appeared unwilling to risk even having an opinion, and +to be at his ease only when he could furnish, with meticulous accuracy, +some precise but unimportant detail. But in so doing he did not take +into account that even here he was giving an opinion, holding a brief +(as they say) for something, that the accuracy of his details had an +importance of its own. I thought again of the dinner that night, when I +had been so unhappy because Mamma would not be coming up to my room, and +when he had dismissed the balls given by the Princesse de Léon as being +of no importance. And yet it was to just that sort of amusement that he +was devoting his life. For what other kind of existence did he reserve +the duties of saying in all seriousness what he thought about things, +of formulating judgments which he would not put between inverted commas; +and when would he cease to give himself up to occupations of which at +the same time he made out that they were absurd? I noticed, too, in the +manner in which Swann spoke to me of Bergotte, something which, to do +him justice, was not peculiar to himself, but was shared by all that +writer's admirers at that time, at least by my mother's friend and +by Dr. du Boulbon. Like Swann, they would say of Bergotte: "He has a +charming mind, so individual, he has a way of his own of saying things, +which is a little far-fetched, but so pleasant. You never need to look +for his name on the title-page, you can tell his work at once." But +none of them had yet gone so far as to say "He is a great writer, he has +great talent." They did not even credit him with talent at all. They +did not speak, because they were not aware of it. We are very slow in +recognising in the peculiar physiognomy of a new writer the type which +is labelled 'great talent' in our museum of general ideas. Simply +because that physiognomy is new and strange, we can find in it no +resemblance to what we are accustomed to call talent. We say rather +originality, charm, delicacy, strength; and then one day we add up the +sum of these, and find that it amounts simply to talent. + +"Are there any books in which Bergotte has written about Berma?" I asked +M. Swann. + +"I think he has, in that little essay on Racine, but it must be out of +print. Still, there has perhaps been a second impression. I will find +out. Anyhow, I can ask Bergotte himself all that you want to know next +time he comes to dine with us. He never misses a week, from one year's +end to another. He is my daughter's greatest friend. They go about +together, and look at old towns and cathedrals and castles." + +As I was still completely ignorant of the different grades in the social +hierarchy, the fact that my father found it impossible for us to see +anything of Swann's wife and daughter had, for a long time, had the +contrary effect of making me imagine them as separated from us by an +enormous gulf, which greatly enhanced their dignity and importance in +my eyes. I was sorry that my mother did not dye her hair and redden her +lips, as I had heard our neighbour, Mme. Sazerat, say that Mme. Swann +did, to gratify not her husband but M. de Charlus; and I felt that, to +her, we must be an object of scorn, which distressed me particularly on +account of the daughter, such a pretty little girl, as I had heard, and +one of whom I used often to dream, always imagining her with the same +features and appearance, which I bestowed upon her quite arbitrarily, +but with a charming effect. But from this afternoon, when I had learned +that Mlle. Swann was a creature living in such rare and fortunate +circumstances, bathed, as in her natural element, in such a sea of +privilege that, if she should ask her parents whether anyone were coming +to dinner, she would be answered in those two syllables, radiant with +celestial light, would hear the name of that golden guest who was to +her no more than an old friend of her family, Bergotte; that for her the +intimate conversation at table, corresponding to what my great-aunt's +conversation was for me, would be the words of Bergotte upon all those +subjects which he had not been able to take up in his writings, and on +which I would fain have heard him utter oracles; and that, above all, +when she went to visit other towns, he would be walking by her side, +unrecognised and glorious, like the gods who came down, of old, from +heaven to dwell among mortal men: then I realised both the rare worth +of a creature such as Mlle. Swann, and, at the same time, how coarse and +ignorant I should appear to her; and I felt so keenly how pleasant and +yet how impossible it would be for me to become her friend that I was +filled at once with longing and with despair. And usually, from this +time forth, when I thought of her, I would see her standing before the +porch of a cathedral, explaining to me what each of the statues meant, +and, with a smile which was my highest commendation, presenting me, as +her friend, to Bergotte. And invariably the charm of all the fancies +which the thought of cathedrals used to inspire in me, the charm of the +hills and valleys of the Ile-de-France and of the plains of Normandy, +would radiate brightness and beauty over the picture I had formed in my +mind of Mlle. Swann; nothing more remained but to know and to love +her. Once we believe that a fellow-creature has a share in some unknown +existence to which that creature's love for ourselves can win us +admission, that is, of all the preliminary conditions which Love exacts, +the one to which he attaches most importance, the one which makes him +generous or indifferent as to the rest. Even those women who pretend +that they judge a man by his exterior only, see in that exterior an +emanation from some special way of life. And that is why they fall +in love with a soldier or a fireman, whose uniform makes them less +particular about his face; they kiss and believe that beneath the +crushing breastplate there beats a heart different from the rest, more +gallant, more adventurous, more tender; and so it is that a young king +or a crown prince may travel in foreign countries and make the most +gratifying conquests, and yet lack entirely that regular and classic +profile which would be indispensable, I dare say, in an outside-broker. + +While I was reading in the garden, a thing my great-aunt would never +have understood my doing save on a Sunday, that being the day on which +it was unlawful to indulge in any serious occupation, and on which she +herself would lay aside her sewing (on a week-day she would have said, +"How you can go on amusing yourself with a book; it isn't Sunday, you +know!" putting into the word 'amusing' an implication of childishness +and waste of time), my aunt Léonie would be gossiping with Françoise +until it was time for Eulalie to arrive. She would tell her that she had +just seen Mme. Goupil go by "without an umbrella, in the silk dress +she had made for her the other day at Châteaudun. If she has far to go +before vespers, she may get it properly soaked." + +"Very likely" (which meant also "very likely not") was the answer, +for Françoise did not wish definitely to exclude the possibility of a +happier alternative. + +"There, now," went on my aunt, beating her brow, "that reminds me that +I never heard if she got to church this morning before the Elevation. I +must remember to ask Eulalie... Françoise, just look at that black cloud +behind the steeple, and how poor the light is on the slates, you may be +certain it will rain before the day is out. It couldn't possibly keep on +like this, it's been too hot. And the sooner the better, for until the +storm breaks my Vichy water won't 'go down,'" she concluded, since, in +her mind, the desire to accelerate the digestion of her Vichy water was +of infinitely greater importance than her fear of seeing Mme. Goupil's +new dress ruined. + +"Very likely." + +"And you know that when it rains in the Square there's none too much +shelter." Suddenly my aunt turned pale. "What, three o'clock!" she +exclaimed. "But vespers will have begun already, and I've forgotten my +pepsin! Now I know why that Vichy water has been lying on my stomach." +And falling precipitately upon a prayer-book bound in purple velvet, +with gilt clasps, out of which in her haste she let fall a shower of +the little pictures, each in a lace fringe of yellowish paper, which she +used to mark the places of the greater feasts of the church, my aunt, +while she swallowed her drops, began at full speed to mutter the words +of the sacred text, its meaning being slightly clouded in her brain by +the uncertainty whether the pepsin, when taken so long after the +Vichy, would still be able to overtake it and to 'send it down.' "Three +o'clock! It's unbelievable how time flies." + +A little tap at the window, as though some missile had struck it, +followed by a plentiful, falling sound, as light, though, as if a shower +of sand were being sprinkled from a window overhead; then the fall +spread, took on an order, a rhythm, became liquid, loud, drumming, +musical, innumerable, universal. It was the rain. + +"There, Françoise, what did I tell you? How it's coming down! But I +think I heard the bell at the garden gate: go along and see who can be +outside in this weather." + +Françoise went and returned. "It's Mme. Amédée" (my grandmother). "She +said she was going for a walk. It's raining hard, all the same." + +"I'm not at all surprised," said my aunt, looking up towards the sky. +"I've always said that she was not in the least like other people. Well, +I'm glad it's she and not myself who's outside in all this." + +"Mme. Amédée is always the exact opposite of the rest," said Françoise, +not unkindly, refraining until she should be alone with the other +servants from stating her belief that my grandmother was 'a bit off her +head.' + +"There's Benediction over! Eulalie will never come now," sighed my aunt. +"It will be the weather that's frightened her away." + +"But it's not five o'clock yet, Mme. Octave, it's only half-past four." + +"Only half-past four! And here am I, obliged to draw back the small +curtains, just to get a tiny streak of daylight. At half-past four! Only +a week before the Rogation-days. Ah, my poor Françoise, the dear Lord +must be sorely vexed with us. The world is going too far in these days. +As my poor Octave used to say, we have forgotten God too often, and He +is taking vengeance upon us." + +A bright flush animated my aunt's cheeks; it was Eulalie. As ill luck +would have it, scarcely had she been admitted to the presence when +Françoise reappeared and, with a smile which was meant to indicate her +full participation in the pleasure which, she had no doubt, her tidings +would give my aunt, articulating each syllable so as to shew that, in +spite of her having to translate them into indirect speech, she was +repeating, as a good servant should, the very words which the new +visitor had condescended to use, said: "His reverence the Curé would be +delighted, enchanted, if Mme. Octave is not resting just now, and +could see him. His reverence does not wish to disturb Mme. Octave. His +reverence is downstairs; I told him to go into the parlour." + +Had the truth been known, the Curé's visits gave my aunt no such +ecstatic pleasure as Françoise supposed, and the air of jubilation with +which she felt bound to illuminate her face whenever she had to announce +his arrival, did not altogether correspond to what was felt by her +invalid. The Curé (an excellent man, with whom I am sorry now that I did +not converse more often, for, even if he cared nothing for the arts, +he knew a great many etymologies), being in the habit of shewing +distinguished visitors over his church (he had even planned to compile +a history of the Parish of Combray), used to weary her with his endless +explanations, which, incidentally, never varied in the least degree. +But when his visit synchronized exactly with Eulalie's it became frankly +distasteful to my aunt. She would have preferred to make the most of +Eulalie, and not to have had the whole of her circle about her at one +time. But she dared not send the Curé away, and had to content herself +with making a sign to Eulalie not to leave when he did, so that she +might have her to herself for a little after he had gone. + +"What is this I have been hearing, Father, that a painter has set up his +easel in your church, and is copying one of the windows? Old as I am, +I can safely say that I have never even heard of such a thing in all my +life! What is the world coming to next, I wonder! And the ugliest thing +in the whole church, too." + +"I will not go so far as to say that it is quite the ugliest, for, +although there are certain things in Saint-Hilaire which are well worth +a visit, there are others that are very old now, in my poor basilica, +the only one in all the diocese that has never even been restored. +The Lord knows, our porch is dirty and out of date; still, it is of a +majestic character; take, for instance, the Esther tapestries, though +personally I would not give a brass farthing for the pair of them, but +experts put them next after the ones at Sens. I can quite see, too, that +apart from certain details which are--well, a trifle realistic, they +shew features which testify to a genuine power of observation. But don't +talk to me about the windows. Is it common sense, I ask you, to leave +up windows which shut out all the daylight, and even confuse the eyes by +throwing patches of colour, to which I should be hard put to it to give +a name, on a floor in which there are not two slabs on the same level? +And yet they refuse to renew the floor for me because, if you please, +those are the tombstones of the Abbots of Combray and the Lords of +Guermantes, the old Counts, you know, of Brabant, direct ancestors of +the present Duc de Guermantes, and of his Duchesse also, since she was a +lady of the Guermantes family, and married her cousin." (My grandmother, +whose steady refusal to take any interest in 'persons' had ended in +her confusing all their names and titles, whenever anyone mentioned the +Duchesse de Guermantes used to make out that she must be related to Mme. +de Villeparisis. The whole family would then burst out laughing; and she +would attempt to justify herself by harking back to some invitation to +a christening or funeral: "I feel sure that there was a Guermantes in it +somewhere." And for once I would side with the others, and against +her, refusing to admit that there could be any connection between her +school-friend and the descendant of Geneviève de Brabant.) + +"Look at Roussainville," the Curé went on. "It is nothing more nowadays +than a parish of farmers, though in olden times the place must have had +a considerable importance from its trade in felt hats and clocks. (I +am not certain, by the way, of the etymology of Roussainville. I +should dearly like to think that the name was originally Rouville, from +_Radulfi villa_, analogous, don't you see, to Châteauroux, _Castrum +Radulfi_, but we will talk about that some other time.) Very well; the +church there has superb windows, almost all quite modern, including that +most imposing 'Entry of Louis-Philippe into Combray' which would be more +in keeping, surely, at Combray itself, and which is every bit as good, I +understand, as the famous windows at Chartres. Only yesterday I met Dr. +Percepied's brother, who goes in for these things, and he told me that +he looked upon it as a most beautiful piece of work. But, as I said to +this artist, who, by the way, seems to be a most civil fellow, and is a +regular virtuoso, it appears, with his brush; what on earth, I said to +him, do you find so extraordinary in this window, which is, if anything, +a little dingier than the rest?" + +"I am sure that if you were to ask his Lordship," said my aunt in +a resigned tone, for she had begun to feel that she was going to be +'tired,' "he would never refuse you a new window." + +"You may depend upon it, Mme. Octave," replied the Curé. "Why, it was +just his Lordship himself who started the outcry about the window, by +proving that it represented Gilbert the Bad, a Lord of Guermantes and +a direct descendant of Geneviève de Brabant, who was a daughter of the +House of Guermantes, receiving absolution from Saint Hilaire." + +"But I don't see where Saint Hilaire comes in." + +"Why yes, have you never noticed, in the corner of the window, a lady in +a yellow robe? Very well, that is Saint Hilaire, who is also known, you +will remember, in certain parts of the country as Saint Illiers, Saint +Hèlier, and even, in the Jura, Saint Ylie. But these various corruptions +of _Sanctus Hilarius_ are by no means the most curious that have +occurred in the names of the blessed Saints. Take, for example, my good +Eulalie, the case of your own patron, _Sancta Eulalia_; do you know what +she has become in Burgundy? Saint Eloi, nothing more nor less! The lady +has become a gentleman. Do you hear that, Eulalie, after you are dead +they will make a man of you!" + +"Father will always have his joke." + +"Gilbert's brother, Charles the Stammerer, was a pious prince, but, +having early in life lost his father, Pepin the Mad, who died as a +result of his mental infirmity, he wielded the supreme power with all +the arrogance of a man who has not been subjected to discipline in his +youth, so much so that, whenever he saw a man in a town whose face +he did not remember, he would massacre the whole place, to the last +inhabitant. Gilbert, wishing to be avenged on Charles, caused the church +at Combray to be burned down, the original church, that was, which +Théodebert, when he and his court left the country residence he had near +here, at Thiberzy (which is, of course, _Theodeberiacus_), to go out +and fight the Burgundians, had promised to build over the tomb of Saint +Hilaire if the Saint brought him victory. Nothing remains of it now +but the crypt, into which Théodore has probably taken you, for Gilbert +burned all the rest. Finally, he defeated the unlucky Charles with the +aid of William" which the Curé pronounced "Will'am" "the Conqueror, +which is why so many English still come to visit the place. But he +does not appear to have managed to win the affection of the people of +Combray, for they fell upon him as he was coming out from mass, and cut +off his head. Théodore has a little book, that he lends people, which +tells you the whole story. + +"But what is unquestionably the most remarkable thing about our church +is the view from the belfry, which is full of grandeur. Certainly in +your case, since you are not very strong, I should never recommend you +to climb our seven and ninety steps, just half the number they have in +the famous cathedral at Milan. It is quite tiring enough for the most +active person, especially as you have to go on your hands and knees, if +you don't wish to crack your skull, and you collect all the cobwebs off +the staircase upon your clothes. In any case you should be well wrapped +up," he went on, without noticing my aunt's fury at the mere suggestion +that she could ever, possibly, be capable of climbing into his belfry, +"for there's a strong breeze there, once you get to the top. Some people +even assure me that they have felt the chill of death up there. No +matter, on Sundays there are always clubs and societies, who come, +some of them, long distances to admire our beautiful panorama, and they +always go home charmed. Wait now, next Sunday, if the weather holds, you +will be sure to find a lot of people there, for Rogation-tide. You must +admit, certainly, that the view from up there is like a fairy-tale, with +what you might call vistas along the plain, which have quite a special +charm of their own. On a clear day you can see as far as Verneuil. And +then another thing; you can see at the same time places which you are in +the habit of seeing one without the other, as, for instance, the course +of the Vivonne and the ditches at Saint-Assise-lès-Combray, which +are separated, really, by a screen of tall trees; or, to take another +example, there are all the canals at Jouy-le-Vicomte, which is +_Gaudiacus vicecomitis_, as of course you know. Each time that I have +been to Jouy I have seen a bit of a canal in one place, and then I have +turned a corner and seen another, but when I saw the second I could no +longer see the first. I tried in vain to imagine how they lay by one +another; it was no good. But, from the top of Saint-Hilaire, it's quite +another matter; the whole countryside is spread out before you like a +map. Only, you cannot make out the water; you would say that there were +great rifts in the town, slicing it up so neatly that it looks like a +loaf of bread which still holds together after it has been cut up. To +get it all quite perfect you would have to be in both places at once; up +here on the top of Saint-Hilaire and down there at Jouy-le-Vicomte." + +The Curé had so much exhausted my aunt that no sooner had he gone than +she was obliged to send away Eulalie also. + +"Here, my poor Eulalie," she said in a feeble voice, drawing a coin from +a small purse which lay ready to her hand. "This is just something so +that you shall not forget me in your prayers." + +"Oh, but, Mme. Octave, I don't think I ought to; you know very well +that I don't come here for that!" So Eulalie would answer, with the +same hesitation and the same embarrassment, every Sunday, as though +each temptation were the first, and with a look of displeasure which +enlivened my aunt and never offended her, for if it so happened that +Eulalie, when she took the money, looked a little less sulky than usual, +my aunt would remark afterwards, "I cannot think what has come over +Eulalie; I gave her just the trifle I always give, and she did not look +at all pleased." + +"I don't think she has very much to complain of, all the same," +Françoise would sigh grimly, for she had a tendency to regard as petty +cash all that my aunt might give her for herself or her children, and as +treasure riotously squandered on a pampered and ungrateful darling the +little coins slipped, Sunday by Sunday, into Eulalie's hand, but so +discreetly passed that Françoise never managed to see them. It was +not that she wanted to have for herself the money my aunt bestowed +on Eulalie. She already enjoyed a sufficiency of all that my +aunt possessed, in the knowledge that the wealth of the mistress +automatically ennobled and glorified the maid in the eyes of the world; +and that she herself was conspicuous and worthy to be praised throughout +Combray, Jouy-le-Vicomte, and other cities of men, on account of my +aunt's many farms, her frequent and prolonged visits from the Curé, and +the astonishing number of bottles of Vichy water which she consumed. +Françoise was avaricious only for my aunt; had she had control over +my aunt's fortune (which would have more than satisfied her highest +ambition) she would have guarded it from the assaults of strangers with +a maternal ferocity. She would, however, have seen no great harm in what +my aunt, whom she knew to be incurably generous, allowed herself to give +away, had she given only to those who were already rich. Perhaps +she felt that such persons, not being actually in need of my aunt's +presents, could not be suspected of simulating affection for her on +that account. Besides, presents offered to persons of great wealth and +position, such as Mme. Sazerat, M. Swann, M. Legrandin and Mme. Goupil, +to persons of the 'same class' as my aunt, and who would naturally +'mix with her,' seemed to Françoise to be included among the ornamental +customs of that strange and brilliant life led by rich people, who +hunted and shot, gave balls and paid visits, a life which she would +contemplate with an admiring smile. But it was by no means the same +thing if, for this princely exchange of courtesies, my aunt substituted +mere charity, if her beneficiaries were of the class which Françoise +would label "people like myself," or "people no better than myself," +people whom she despised even more if they did not address her always +as "Mme. Françoise," just to shew that they considered themselves to be +'not as good.' And when she saw that, despite all her warnings, my aunt +continued to do exactly as she pleased, and to fling money away with +both hands (or so, at least, Françoise believed) on undeserving objects, +she began to find that the presents she herself received from my aunt +were very tiny compared to the imaginary riches squandered upon +Eulalie, There was not, in the neighbourhood of Combray, a farm of such +prosperity and importance that Françoise doubted Eulalie's ability to +buy it, without thinking twice, out of the capital which her visits to +my aunt had 'brought in.' It must be added that Eulalie had formed an +exactly similar estimate of the vast and secret hoards of Françoise. +So, every Sunday, after Eulalie had gone, Françoise would mercilessly +prophesy her coming downfall. She hated Eulalie, but was at the same +time afraid of her, and so felt bound, when Eulalie was there, to 'look +pleasant.' But she would make up for that after the other's departure; +never, it is true, alluding to her by name, but hinting at her in +Sibylline oracles, or in utterances of a comprehensive character, like +those of Ecclesiastes, the Preacher, but so worded that their special +application could not escape my aunt. After peering out at the side of +the curtain to see whether Eulalie had shut the front-door behind her; +"Flatterers know how to make themselves welcome, and to gather up the +crumbs; but have patience, have patience; our God is a jealous God, and +one fine day He will be avenged upon them!" she would declaim, with the +sidelong, insinuating glance of Joash, thinking of Athaliah alone when +he says that the + + ....prosperity + Of wicked men runs like a torrent past, + And soon is spent. + +But on this memorable afternoon, when the Curé had come as well, and +by his interminable visit had drained my aunt's strength, Françoise +followed Eulalie from the room, saying: "Mme. Octave, I will leave you +to rest; you look utterly tired out." + +And my aunt answered her not a word, breathing a sigh so faint that +it seemed it must prove her last, and lying there with closed eyes, as +though already dead. But hardly had Françoise arrived downstairs, when +four peals of a bell, pulled with the utmost violence, reverberated +through the house, and my aunt, sitting erect upon her bed, called out: +"Has Eulalie gone yet? Would you believe it; I forgot to ask her whether +Mme. Goupil arrived in church before the Elevation. Run after her, +quick!" + +But Françoise returned alone, having failed to overtake Eulalie. "It +is most provoking," said my aunt, shaking her head. "The one important +thing that I had to ask her." + +In this way life went by for my aunt Léonie, always the same, in the +gentle uniformity of what she called, with a pretence of deprecation +but with a deep tenderness, her 'little jog-trot.' Respected by all +and sundry, not merely in her own house, where every one of us, having +learned the futility of recommending any healthier mode of life, had +become gradually resigned to its observance, but in the village as well, +where, three streets away, a tradesman who had to hammer nails into a +packing-case would send first to Françoise to make sure that my aunt +was not 'resting'--her 'little jog-trot' was, none the less, brutally +disturbed on one occasion in this same year. Like a fruit hidden among +its leaves, which has grown and ripened unobserved by man, until it +falls of its own accord, there came upon us one night the kitchen-maid's +confinement. Her pains were unbearable, and, as there was no midwife +in Combray, Françoise had to set off before dawn to fetch one from +Thiberzy. My aunt was unable to 'rest,' owing to the cries of the girl, +and as Françoise, though the distance was nothing, was very late in +returning, her services were greatly missed. And so, in the course of +the morning, my mother said to me: "Run upstairs, and see if your aunt +wants anything." + +I went into the first of her two rooms, and through the open door of the +other saw my aunt lying on her side, asleep. I could hear her breathing, +in what was almost distinguishable as a snore. I was just going to slip +away when something, probably the sound of my entry, interrupted her +sleep, and made it 'change speed,' as they say of motorcars nowadays, +for the music of her snore broke off for a second and began again on a +lower note; then she awoke, and half turned her face, which I could see +for the first time; a kind of horror was imprinted on it; plainly she +had just escaped from some terrifying dream. She could not see me from +where she was lying, and I stood there not knowing whether I ought to go +forward or to retire; but all at once she seemed to return to a sense +of reality, and to grasp the falsehood of the visions that had terrified +her; a smile of joy, a pious act of thanksgiving to God, Who is pleased +to grant that life shall be less cruel than our dreams, feebly illumined +her face, and, with the habit she had formed of speaking to herself, +half-aloud, when she thought herself alone, she murmured: "The Lord be +praised! We have nothing to disturb us here but the kitchen-maid's baby. +And I've been dreaming that my poor Octave had come back to life, and +was trying to make me take a walk every day!" She stretched out a hand +towards her rosary, which was lying on the small table, but sleep was +once again getting the mastery, and did not leave her the strength to +reach it; she fell asleep, calm and contented, and I crept out of the +room on tiptoe, without either her or anyone's else ever knowing, from +that day to this, what I had seen and heard. + +When I say that, apart from such rare happenings as this confinement, my +aunt's 'little jog-trot' never underwent any variation, I do not include +those variations which, repeated at regular intervals and in identical +form, did no more, really, than print a sort of uniform pattern upon +the greater uniformity of her life. So, for instance, every Saturday, as +Françoise had to go in the afternoon to market at Roussainville-le-Pin, +the whole household would have to have luncheon an hour earlier. And my +aunt had so thoroughly acquired the habit of this weekly exception to +her general habits, that she clung to it as much as to the rest. She +was so well 'routined' to it, as Françoise would say, that if, on a +Saturday, she had had to wait for her luncheon until the regular hour, +it would have 'upset' her as much as if she had had, on an ordinary +day, to put her luncheon forward to its Saturday time. Incidentally this +acceleration of luncheon gave Saturday, for all of us, an individual +character, kindly and rather attractive. At the moment when, ordinarily, +there was still an hour to be lived through before meal-time sounded, +we would all know that in a few seconds we should see the endives +make their precocious appearance, followed by the special favour of an +omelette, an unmerited steak. The return of this asymmetrical Saturday +was one of those petty occurrences, intra-mural, localised, almost +civic, which, in uneventful lives and stable orders of society, create a +kind of national unity, and become the favourite theme for conversation, +for pleasantries, for anecdotes which can be embroidered as the narrator +pleases; it would have provided a nucleus, ready-made, for a legendary +cycle, if any of us had had the epic mind. At daybreak, before we were +dressed, without rhyme or reason, save for the pleasure of proving the +strength of our solidarity, we would call to one another good-humoredly, +cordially, patriotically, "Hurry up; there's no time to be lost; don't +forget, it's Saturday!" while my aunt, gossiping with Françoise, and +reflecting that the day would be even longer than usual, would say, "You +might cook them a nice bit of veal, seeing that it's Saturday." If, at +half-past ten, some one absent-mindedly pulled out a watch and said, "I +say, an hour-and-a-half still before luncheon," everyone else would +be in ecstasies over being able to retort at once: "Why, what are you +thinking about? Have you for-gotten that it's Saturday?" And a quarter +of an hour later we would still be laughing, and reminding ourselves to +go up and tell aunt Léonie about this absurd mistake, to amuse her. The +very face of the sky appeared to undergo a change. After luncheon the +sun, conscious that it was Saturday, would blaze an hour longer in the +zenith, and when some one, thinking that we were late in starting for +our walk, said, "What, only two o'clock!" feeling the heavy throb go by +him of the twin strokes from the steeple of Saint-Hilaire (which as +a rule passed no one at that hour upon the highways, deserted for the +midday meal or for the nap which follows it, or on the banks of the +bright and ever-flowing stream, which even the angler had abandoned, and +so slipped unaccompanied into the vacant sky, where only a few loitering +clouds remained to greet them) the whole family would respond in chorus: +"Why, you're forgetting; we had luncheon an hour earlier; you know very +well it's Saturday." + +The surprise of a 'barbarian' (for so we termed everyone who was not +acquainted with Saturday's special customs) who had called at eleven +o'clock to speak to my father, and had found us at table, was an event +which used to cause Françoise as much merriment as, perhaps, anything +that had ever happened in her life. And if she found it amusing that the +nonplussed visitor should not have known, beforehand, that we had our +luncheon an hour earlier on Saturday, it was still more irresistibly +funny that my father himself (fully as she sympathised, from the bottom +of her heart, with the rigid chauvinism which prompted him) should never +have dreamed that the barbarian could fail to be aware of so simple a +matter, and so had replied, with no further enlightenment of the +other's surprise at seeing us already in the dining-room: "You see, it's +Saturday." On reaching this point in the story, Françoise would pause to +wipe the tears of merriment from her eyes, and then, to add to her own +enjoyment, would prolong the dialogue, inventing a further reply for +the visitor to whom the word 'Saturday' had conveyed nothing. And so far +from our objecting to these interpolations, we would feel that the story +was not yet long enough, and would rally her with: "Oh, but surely he +said something else as well. There was more than that, the first time +you told it." + +My great-aunt herself would lay aside her work, and raise her head and +look on at us over her glasses. + +The day had yet another characteristic feature, namely, that during May +we used to go out on Saturday evenings after dinner to the 'Month of +Mary' devotions. + +As we were liable, there, to meet M. Vinteuil, who held very strict +views on "the deplorable untidiness of young people, which seems to +be encouraged in these days," my mother would first see that there was +nothing out of order in my appearance, and then we would set out for +the church. It was in these 'Month of Mary' services that I can remember +having first fallen in love with hawthorn-blossom. The hawthorn was not +merely in the church, for there, holy ground as it was, we had all of us +a right of entry; but, arranged upon the altar itself, inseparable from +the mysteries in whose celebration it was playing a part, it thrust in +among the tapers and the sacred vessels its rows of branches, tied to +one another horizontally in a stiff, festal scheme of decoration; and +they were made more lovely still by the scalloped outline of the dark +leaves, over which were scattered in profusion, as over a bridal train, +little clusters of buds of a dazzling whiteness. Though I dared not look +at them save through my fingers, I could feel that the formal scheme +was composed of living things, and that it was Nature herself who, by +trimming the shape of the foliage, and by adding the crowning ornament +of those snowy buds, had made the decorations worthy of what was at +once a public rejoicing and a solemn mystery. Higher up on the altar, +a flower had opened here and there with a careless grace, holding so +unconcernedly, like a final, almost vaporous bedizening, its bunch of +stamens, slender as gossamer, which clouded the flower itself in a +white mist, that in following these with my eyes, in trying to imitate, +somewhere inside myself, the action of their blossoming, I imagined it +as a swift and thoughtless movement of the head with an enticing glance +from her contracted pupils, by a young girl in white, careless and +alive. + +M. Vinteuil had come in with his daughter and had sat down beside us. +He belonged to a good family, and had once been music-master to +my grandmother's sisters; so that when, after losing his wife and +inheriting some property, he had retired to the neighbourhood of +Combray, we used often to invite him to our house. But with his intense +prudishness he had given up coming, so as not to be obliged to meet +Swann, who had made what he called "a most unsuitable marriage, as +seems to be the fashion in these days." My mother, on hearing that he +'composed,' told him by way of a compliment that, when she came to see +him, he must play her something of his own. M. Vinteuil would have liked +nothing better, but he carried politeness and consideration for others +to so fine a point, always putting himself in their place, that he was +afraid of boring them, or of appearing egotistical, if he carried out, +or even allowed them to suspect what were his own desires. On the day +when my parents had gone to pay him a visit, I had accompanied them, +but they had allowed me to remain outside, and as M. Vinteuil's house, +Montjouvain, stood on a site actually hollowed out from a steep hill +covered with shrubs, among which I took cover, I had found myself on a +level with his drawing-room, upstairs, and only a few feet away from its +window. When a servant came in to tell him that my parents had arrived, +I had seen M. Vinteuil run to the piano and lay out a sheet of music +so as to catch the eye. But as soon as they entered the room he had +snatched it away and hidden it in a corner. He was afraid, no doubt, of +letting them suppose that he was glad to see them only because it gave +him a chance of playing them some of his compositions. And every time +that my mother, in the course of her visit, had returned to the subject +of his playing, he had hurriedly protested: "I cannot think who put that +on the piano; it is not the proper place for it at all," and had turned +the conversation aside to other topics, simply because those were of +less interest to himself. + +His one and only passion was for his daughter, and she, with her +somewhat boyish appearance, looked so robust that it was hard to +restrain a smile when one saw the precautions her father used to take +for her health, with spare shawls always in readiness to wrap around +her shoulders. My grandmother had drawn our attention to the gentle, +delicate, almost timid expression which might often be caught flitting +across the face, dusted all over with freckles, of this otherwise stolid +child. When she had spoken, she would at once take her own words in the +sense in which her audience must have heard them, she would be alarmed +at the possibility of a misunderstanding, and one would see, in clear +outline, as though in a transparency, beneath the mannish face of the +'good sort' that she was, the finer features of a young woman in tears. + +When, before turning to leave the church, I made a genuflection before +the altar, I felt suddenly, as I rose again, a bitter-sweet fragrance of +almonds steal towards me from the hawthorn-blossom, and I then noticed +that on the flowers themselves were little spots of a creamier colour, +in which I imagined that this fragrance must lie concealed, as the taste +of an almond cake lay in the burned parts, or the sweetness of Mlle. +Vinteuil's cheeks beneath their freckles. Despite the heavy, motionless +silence of the hawthorns, these gusts of fragrance came to me like +the murmuring of an intense vitality, with which the whole altar was +quivering like a roadside hedge explored by living antennae, of which I +was reminded by seeing some stamens, almost red in colour, which seemed +to have kept the springtime virulence, the irritant power of stinging +insects now transmuted into flowers. + +Outside the church we would stand talking for a moment with M. Vinteuil, +in the porch. Boys would be chevying one another in the Square, and he +would interfere, taking the side of the little ones and lecturing the +big. If his daughter said, in her thick, comfortable voice, how glad she +had been to see us, immediately it would seem as though some elder and +more sensitive sister, latent in her, had blushed at this thoughtless, +schoolboyish utterance, which had, perhaps, made us think that she was +angling for an invitation to the house. Her father would then arrange +a cloak over her shoulders, they would clamber into a little dog-cart +which she herself drove, and home they would both go to Montjouvain. +As for ourselves, the next day being Sunday, with no need to be up and +stirring before high mass, if it was a moonlight night and warm, then, +instead of taking us home at once, my father, in his thirst for personal +distinction, would lead us on a long walk round by the Calvary, which my +mother's utter incapacity for taking her bearings, or even for knowing +which road she might be on, made her regard as a triumph of his +strategic genius. Sometimes we would go as far as the viaduct, which +began to stride on its long legs of stone at the railway station, and +to me typified all the wretchedness of exile beyond the last outposts of +civilisation, because every year, as we came down from Paris, we would +be warned to take special care, when we got to Combray, not to miss +the station, to be ready before the train stopped, since it would start +again in two minutes and proceed across the viaduct, out of the lands of +Christendom, of which Combray, to me, represented the farthest limit. +We would return by the Boulevard de la Gare, which contained the most +attractive villas in the town. In each of their gardens the moonlight, +copying the art of Hubert Robert, had scattered its broken staircases +of white marble, its fountains of water and gates temptingly ajar. Its +beams had swept away the telegraph office. All that was left of it was +a column, half shattered, but preserving the beauty of a ruin which +endures for all time. I would by now be dragging my weary limbs, and +ready to drop with sleep; the balmy scent of the lime-trees seemed a +consolation which I could obtain only at the price of great suffering +and exhaustion, and not worthy of the effort. From gates far apart +the watchdogs, awakened by our steps in the silence, would set up +an antiphonal barking, as I still hear them bark, at times, in the +evenings, and it is in their custody (when the public gardens of Combray +were constructed on its site) that the Boulevard de la Gare must +have taken refuge, for wherever I may be, as soon as they begin their +alternate challenge and acceptance, I can see it again with all its +lime-trees, and its pavement glistening beneath the moon. + +Suddenly my father would bring us to a standstill and ask my +mother--"Where are we?" Utterly worn out by the walk but still proud of +her husband, she would lovingly confess that she had not the least +idea. He would shrug his shoulders and laugh. And then, as though it had +slipped, with his latchkey, from his waistcoat pocket, he would point +out to us, when it stood before our eyes, the back-gate of our own +garden, which had come hand-in-hand with the familiar corner of the Rue +du Saint-Esprit, to await us, to greet us at the end of our wanderings +over paths unknown. My mother would murmur admiringly "You really are +wonderful!" And from that instant I had not to take another step; the +ground moved forward under my feet in that garden where, for so long, +my actions had ceased to require any control, or even attention, from my +will. Custom came to take me in her arms, carried me all the way up to +my bed, and laid me down there like a little child. + +Although Saturday, by beginning an hour earlier, and by depriving her +of the services of Françoise, passed more slowly than other days for my +aunt, yet, the moment it was past, and a new week begun, she would look +forward with impatience to its return, as something that embodied all +the novelty and distraction which her frail and disordered body was +still able to endure. This was not to say, however, that she did not +long, at times, for some even greater variation, that she did not +pass through those abnormal hours in which one thirsts for something +different from what one has, when those people who, through lack of +energy or imagination, are unable to generate any motive power in +themselves, cry out, as the clock strikes or the postman knocks, in +their eagerness for news (even if it be bad news), for some emotion +(even that of grief); when the heartstrings, which prosperity has +silenced, like a harp laid by, yearn to be plucked and sounded again +by some hand, even a brutal hand, even if it shall break them; when +the will, which has with such difficulty brought itself to subdue its +impulse, to renounce its right to abandon itself to its own uncontrolled +desires, and consequent sufferings, would fain cast its guiding reins +into the hands of circumstances, coercive and, it may be, cruel. Of +course, since my aunt's strength, which was completely drained by the +slightest exertion, returned but drop by drop into the pool of her +repose, the reservoir was very slow in filling, and months would go by +before she reached that surplus which other people use up in their daily +activities, but which she had no idea--and could never decide how to +employ. And I have no doubt that then--just as a desire to have her +potatoes served with béchamel sauce, for a change, would be formed, +ultimately, from the pleasure she found in the daily reappearance of +those mashed potatoes of which she was never 'tired'--she would extract +from the accumulation of those monotonous days (on which she so much +depended) a keen expectation of some domestic cataclysm, instantaneous +in its happening, but violent enough to compel her to put into effect, +once for all, one of those changes which she knew would be beneficial to +her health, but to which she could never make up her mind without some +such stimulus. She was genuinely fond of us; she would have enjoyed the +long luxury of weeping for our untimely decease; coming at a moment when +she felt 'well' and was not in a perspiration, the news that the house +was being destroyed by a fire, in which all the rest of us had already +perished, a fire which, in a little while, would not leave one stone +standing upon another, but from which she herself would still have +plenty of time to escape without undue haste, provided that she rose +at once from her bed, must often have haunted her dreams, as a prospect +which combined with the two minor advantages of letting her taste the +full savour of her affection for us in long years of mourning, and of +causing universal stupefaction in the village when she should sally +forth to conduct our obsequies, crushed but courageous, moribund but +erect, the paramount and priceless boon of forcing her at the right +moment, with no time to be lost, no room for weakening hesitations, to +go off and spend the summer at her charming farm of Mirougrain, where +there was a waterfall. Inasmuch as nothing of this sort had ever +occurred, though indeed she must often have pondered the success of +such a manoeuvre as she lay alone absorbed in her interminable games of +patience (and though it must have plunged her in despair from the first +moment of its realisation, from the first of those little unforeseen +facts, the first word of calamitous news, whose accents can never +afterwards be expunged from the memory, everything that bears upon it +the imprint of actual, physical death, so terribly different from the +logical abstraction of its possibility) she would fall back from time +to time, to add an interest to her life, upon imagining other, minor +catastrophes, which she would follow up with passion. She would beguile +herself with a sudden suspicion that Françoise had been robbing her, +that she had set a trap to make certain, and had caught her betrayer +red-handed; and being in the habit, when she made up a game of cards by +herself, of playing her own and her adversary's hands at once, she would +first stammer out Françoise's awkward apologies, and then reply to them +with such a fiery indignation that any of us who happened to intrude +upon her at one of these moments would find her bathed in perspiration, +her eyes blazing, her false hair pushed awry and exposing the baldness +of her brows. Françoise must often, from the next room, have heard these +mordant sarcasms levelled at herself, the mere framing of which in words +would not have relieved my aunt's feelings sufficiently, had they been +allowed to remain in a purely immaterial form, without the degree +of substance and reality which she added to them by murmuring them +half-aloud. Sometimes, however, even these counterpane dramas would not +satisfy my aunt; she must see her work staged. And so, on a Sunday, +with all the doors mysteriously closed, she would confide in Eulalie her +doubts of Françoise's integrity and her determination to be rid of her, +and on another day she would confide in Françoise her suspicions of the +disloyalty of Eulalie, to whom the front-door would very soon be closed +for good. A few days more, and, disgusted with her latest confidant, she +would again be 'as thick as thieves' with the traitor, while, before the +next performance, the two would once more have changed their parts. But +the suspicions which Eulalie might occasionally breed in her were no +more than a fire of straw, which must soon subside for lack of fuel, +since Eulalie was not living with her in the house. It was a very +different matter when the suspect was Françoise, of whose presence under +the same roof as herself my aunt was perpetually conscious, while for +fear of catching cold, were she to leave her bed, she would never dare +go downstairs to the kitchen to see for herself whether there was, +indeed, any foundation for her suspicions. And so on by degrees, until +her mind had no other occupation than to attempt, at every hour of the +day, to discover what was being done, what was being concealed from her +by Françoise. She would detect the most furtive movement of Françoise's +features, something contradictory in what she was saying, some desire +which she appeared to be screening. And she would shew her that she was +unmasked, by, a single word, which made Françoise turn pale, and which +my aunt seemed to find a cruel satisfaction in driving into her unhappy +servant's heart. And the very next Sunday a disclosure by Eulalie--like +one of those discoveries which suddenly open up an unsuspected field +for exploration to some new science which has hitherto followed only +the beaten paths--proved to my aunt that her own worst suspicions fell +a long way short of the appalling truth. "But Françoise ought to know +that," said Eulalie, "now that you have given her a carriage." + +"Now that I have given her a carriage!" gasped my aunt. + +"Oh, but I didn't know; I only thought so; I saw her go by yesterday in +her open coach, as proud as Artaban, on her way to Roussainville market. +I supposed that it must be Mme. Octave who had given it to her." + +So on by degrees, until Françoise and my aunt, the quarry and the +hunter, could never cease from trying to forestall each other's devices. +My mother was afraid lest Françoise should develop a genuine hatred of +my aunt, who was doing everything in her power to annoy her. However +that might be, Françoise had come, more and more, to pay an infinitely +scrupulous attention to my aunt's least word and gesture. When she had +to ask her for anything she would hesitate, first, for a long time, +making up her mind how best to begin. And when she had uttered her +request, she would watch my aunt covertly, trying to guess from the +expression on her face what she thought of it, and how she would reply. +And in this way--whereas an artist who had been reading memoirs of the +seventeenth century, and wished to bring himself nearer to the great +Louis, would consider that he was making progress in that direction when +he constructed a pedigree that traced his own descent from some historic +family, or when he engaged in correspondence with one of the reigning +Sovereigns of Europe, and so would shut his eyes to the mistake he was +making in seeking to establish a similarity by an exact and therefore +lifeless copy of mere outward forms--a middle-aged lady in a small +country town, by doing no more than yield whole-hearted obedience to her +own irresistible eccentricities, and to a spirit of mischief engendered +by the utter idleness of her existence, could see, without ever having +given a thought to Louis XIV, the most trivial occupations of her daily +life, her morning toilet, her luncheon, her afternoon nap, assume, by +virtue of their despotic singularity, something of the interest that was +to be found in what Saint-Simon used to call the 'machinery' of life at +Versailles; and was able, too, to persuade herself that her silence, +a shade of good humour or of arrogance on her features would provide +Françoise with matter for a mental commentary as tense with passion and +terror, as did the silence, the good humour or the arrogance of the King +when a courtier, or even his greatest nobles, had presented a petition +to him, at the turning of an avenue, at Versailles. + +One Sunday, when my aunt had received simultaneous visits from the Curé +and from Eulalie, and had been left alone, afterwards, to rest, the +whole family went upstairs to bid her good night, and Mamma ventured +to condole with her on the unlucky coincidence that always brought both +visitors to her door at the same time. + +"I hear that things went wrong again to-day, Léonie," she said kindly, +"you have had all your friends here at once." + +And my great-aunt interrupted with: "Too many good things..." for, since +her daughter's illness, she felt herself in duty bound to revive her as +far as possible by always drawing her attention to the brighter side of +things. But my father had begun to speak. + +"I should like to take advantage," he said, "of the whole family's being +here together, to tell you a story, so as not to have to begin all over +again to each of you separately. I am afraid we are in M. Legrandin's +bad books; he would hardly say 'How d'ye do' to me this morning." + +I did not wait to hear the end of my father's story, for I had been with +him myself after mass when we had passed M. Legrandin; instead, I went +downstairs to the kitchen to ask for the bill of fare for our dinner, +which was of fresh interest to me daily, like the news in a paper, and +excited me as might the programme of a coming festivity. + +As M. Legrandin had passed close by us on our way from church, +walking by the side of a lady, the owner of a country house in the +neighbourhood, whom we knew only by sight, my father had saluted him in +a manner at once friendly and reserved, without stopping in his walk; M. +Legrandin had barely acknowledged the courtesy, and then with an air of +surprise, as though he had not recognised us, and with that distant look +characteristic of people who do not wish to be agreeable, and who from +the suddenly receding depths of their eyes seem to have caught sight of +you at the far end of an interminably straight road, and at so great +a distance that they content themselves with directing towards you +an almost imperceptible movement of the head, in proportion to your +doll-like dimensions. + +Now, the lady who was walking with Legrandin was a model of virtue, +known and highly respected; there could be no question of his being +out for amorous adventure, and annoyed at being detected; and my father +asked himself how he could possibly have displeased our friend. + +"I should be all the more sorry to feel that he was angry with us," he +said, "because among all those people in their Sunday clothes there +is something about him, with his little cut-away coat and his soft +neckties, so little 'dressed-up,' so genuinely simple; an air of +innocence, almost, which is really attractive." + +But the vote of the family council was unanimous, that my father had +imagined the whole thing, or that Legrandin, at the moment in question, +had been preoccupied in thinking about something else. Anyhow, my +father's fears were dissipated no later than the following evening. +As we returned from a long walk we saw, near the Pont-Vieux, Legrandin +himself, who, on account of the holidays, was spending a few days more +in Combray. He came up to us with outstretched hand: "Do you know, +master book-lover," he asked me, "this line of Paul Desjardins? + + + Now are the woods all black, but still the sky is blue. + +Is not that a fine rendering of a moment like this? Perhaps you have +never read Paul Desjardins. Read him, my boy, read him; in these days he +is converted, they tell me, into a preaching friar, but he used to have +the most charming water-colour touch-- + + + Now are the woods all black, but still the sky is blue. + +May you always see a blue sky overhead, my young friend; and then, even +when the time comes, which is coming now for me, when the woods are all +black, when night is fast falling, you will be able to console yourself, +as I am doing, by looking up to the sky." He took a cigarette from +his pocket and stood for a long time, his eyes fixed on the horizon. +"Goodbye, friends!" he suddenly exclaimed, and left us. + +At the hour when I usually went downstairs to find out what there was +for dinner, its preparation would already have begun, and Françoise, +a colonel with all the forces of nature for her subalterns, as in the +fairy-tales where giants hire themselves out as scullions, would be +stirring the coals, putting the potatoes to steam, and, at the right +moment, finishing over the fire those culinary masterpieces which had +been first got ready in some of the great array of vessels, triumphs of +the potter's craft, which ranged from tubs and boilers and cauldrons +and fish kettles down to jars for game, moulds for pastry, and tiny +pannikins for cream, and included an entire collection of pots and +pans of every shape and size. I would stop by the table, where the +kitchen-maid had shelled them, to inspect the platoons of peas, drawn up +in ranks and numbered, like little green marbles, ready for a game; but +what fascinated me would be the asparagus, tinged with ultramarine +and rosy pink which ran from their heads, finely stippled in mauve and +azure, through a series of imperceptible changes to their white +feet, still stained a little by the soil of their garden-bed: a +rainbow-loveliness that was not of this world. I felt that these +celestial hues indicated the presence of exquisite creatures who had +been pleased to assume vegetable form, who, through the disguise which +covered their firm and edible flesh, allowed me to discern in this +radiance of earliest dawn, these hinted rainbows, these blue evening +shades, that precious quality which I should recognise again when, all +night long after a dinner at which I had partaken of them, they played +(lyrical and coarse in their jesting as the fairies in Shakespeare's +_Dream_) at transforming my humble chamber into a bower of aromatic +perfume. + +Poor Giotto's Charity, as Swann had named her, charged by Françoise with +the task of preparing them for the table, would have them lying beside +her in a basket; sitting with a mournful air, as though all the sorrows +of the world were heaped upon her; and the light crowns of azure which +capped the asparagus shoots above their pink jackets would be finely and +separately outlined, star by star, as in Giotto's fresco are the flowers +banded about the brows, or patterning the basket of his Virtue at Padua. +And, meanwhile, Françoise would be turning on the spit one of those +chickens, such as she alone knew how to roast, chickens which had wafted +far abroad from Combray the sweet savour of her merits, and which, while +she was serving them to us at table, would make the quality of kindness +predominate for the moment in my private conception of her character; +the aroma of that cooked flesh, which she knew how to make so unctuous +and so tender, seeming to me no more than the proper perfume of one of +her many virtues. + +But the day on which, while my father took counsel with his family upon +our strange meeting with Legrandin, I went down to the kitchen, was one +of those days when Giotto's Charity, still very weak and ill after her +recent confinement, had been unable to rise from her bed; Françoise, +being without assistance, had fallen into arrears. When I went in, I saw +her in the back-kitchen which opened on to the courtyard, in process of +killing a chicken; by its desperate and quite natural resistance, which +Françoise, beside herself with rage as she attempted to slit its throat +beneath the ear, accompanied with shrill cries of "Filthy creature! +Filthy creature!" it made the saintly kindness and unction of our +servant rather less prominent than it would do, next day at dinner, when +it made its appearance in a skin gold-embroidered like a chasuble, and +its precious juice was poured out drop by drop as from a pyx. When it +was dead Françoise mopped up its streaming blood, in which, however, +she did not let her rancour drown, for she gave vent to another burst +of rage, and, gazing down at the carcass of her enemy, uttered a final +"Filthy creature!" + +I crept out of the kitchen and upstairs, trembling all over; I could +have prayed, then, for the instant dismissal of Françoise. But who +would have baked me such hot rolls, boiled me such fragrant coffee, and +even--roasted me such chickens? And, as it happened, everyone else had +already had to make the same cowardly reckoning. For my aunt Léonie knew +(though I was still in ignorance of this) that Françoise, who, for her +own daughter or for her nephews, would have given her life without a +murmur, shewed a singular implacability in her dealings with the rest +of the world. In spite of which my aunt still retained her, for, while +conscious of her cruelty, she could appreciate her services. I began +gradually to realise that Françoise's kindness, her compunction, the +sum total of her virtues concealed many of these back-kitchen tragedies, +just as history reveals to us that the reigns of the kings and queens +who are portrayed as kneeling with clasped hands in the windows of +churches, were stained by oppression and bloodshed. I had taken note of +the fact that, apart from her own kinsfolk, the sufferings of humanity +inspired in her a pity which increased in direct ratio to the distance +separating the sufferers from herself. The tears which flowed from her +in torrents when she read of the misfortunes of persons unknown to her, +in a newspaper, were quickly stemmed once she had been able to form a +more accurate mental picture of the victims. One night, shortly after +her confinement, the kitchen-maid was seized with the most appalling +pains; Mamma heard her groans, and rose and awakened Françoise, who, +quite unmoved, declared that all the outcry was mere malingering, that +the girl wanted to 'play the mistress' in the house. The doctor, who +had been afraid of some such attack, had left a marker in a medical +dictionary which we had, at the page on which the symptoms were +described, and had told us to turn up this passage, where we would find +the measures of 'first aid' to be adopted. My mother sent Françoise +to fetch the book, warning her not to let the marker drop out. An hour +elapsed, and Françoise had not returned; my mother, supposing that +she had gone back to bed, grew vexed, and told me to go myself to the +bookcase and fetch the volume. I did so, and there found Françoise who, +in her curiosity to know what the marker indicated, had begun to read +the clinical account of these after-pains, and was violently sobbing, +now that it was a question of a type of illness with which she was not +familiar. At each painful symptom mentioned by the writer she would +exclaim: "Oh, oh, Holy Virgin, is it possible that God wishes any +wretched human creature to suffer so? Oh, the poor girl!" + +But when I had called her, and she had returned to the bedside of +Giotto's Charity, her tears at once ceased to flow; she could find no +stimulus for that pleasant sensation of tenderness and pity which she +very well knew, having been moved to it often enough by the perusal +of newspapers; nor any other pleasure of the same kind in her sense of +weariness and irritation at being pulled out of bed in the middle of +the night for the kitchen-maid; so that at the sight of those very +sufferings, the printed account of which had moved her to tears, she +had nothing to offer but ill-tempered mutterings, mingled with bitter +sarcasm, saying, when she thought that we had gone out of earshot: +"Well, she need never have done what she must have done to bring all +this about! She found that pleasant enough, I dare say! She had better +not put on any airs now. All the same, he must have been a god-forsaken +young man to go after _that_. Dear, dear, it's just as they used to say +in my poor mother's country: + + + Snaps and snails and puppy-dogs' tails, + And dirty sluts in plenty, + Smell sweeter than roses in young men's noses + When the heart is one-and-twenty." + +Although, when her grandson had a slight cold in his head, she would set +off at night, even if she were ill also, instead of going to bed, to +see whether he had everything that he wanted, covering ten miles on foot +before daybreak so as to be in time to begin her work, this same love +for her own people, and her desire to establish the future greatness of +her house on a solid foundation reacted, in her policy with regard to +the other servants, in one unvarying maxim, which was never to let any +of them set foot in my aunt's room; indeed she shewed a sort of pride +in not allowing anyone else to come near my aunt, preferring, when she +herself was ill, to get out of bed and to administer the Vichy water in +person, rather than to concede to the kitchen-maid the right of entry +into her mistress's presence. There is a species of hymenoptera, +observed by Fabre, the burrowing wasp, which in order to provide a +supply of fresh meat for her offspring after her own decease, calls +in the science of anatomy to amplify the resources of her instinctive +cruelty, and, having made a collection of weevils and spiders, proceeds +with marvellous knowledge and skill to pierce the nerve-centre on which +their power of locomotion (but none of their other vital functions) +depends, so that the paralysed insect, beside which her egg is laid, +will furnish the larva, when it is hatched, with a tamed and inoffensive +quarry, incapable either of flight or of resistance, but perfectly fresh +for the larder: in the same way Françoise had adopted, to minister +to her permanent and unfaltering resolution to render the house +uninhabitable to any other servant, a series of crafty and pitiless +stratagems. Many years later we discovered that, if we had been fed on +asparagus day after day throughout that whole season, it was because the +smell of the plants gave the poor kitchen-maid, who had to prepare them, +such violent attacks of asthma that she was finally obliged to leave my +aunt's service. + +Alas! we had definitely to alter our opinion of M. Legrandin. On one +of the Sundays following our meeting with him on the Pont-Vieux, after +which my father had been forced to confess himself mistaken, as mass +drew to an end, and, with the sunshine and the noise of the outer world, +something else invaded the church, an atmosphere so far from sacred that +Mme. Goupil, Mme. Percepied (all those, in fact, who a moment ago, when +I arrived a little late, had been sitting motionless, their eyes fixed +on their prayer-books; who, I might even have thought, had not seen +me come in, had not their feet moved slightly to push away the little +kneeling-desk which was preventing me from getting to my chair) began in +loud voices to discuss with us all manner of utterly mundane topics, as +though we were already outside in the Square, we saw, standing on the +sun-baked steps of the porch, dominating the many-coloured tumult of the +market, Legrandin himself, whom the husband of the lady we had seen with +him, on the previous occasion, was just going to introduce to the wife +of another large landed proprietor of the district. Legrandin's face +shewed an extraordinary zeal and animation; he made a profound bow, with +a subsidiary backward movement which brought his spine sharply up into a +position behind its starting-point, a gesture in which he must have +been trained by the husband of his sister, Mme. de Cambremer. This rapid +recovery caused a sort of tense muscular wave to ripple over Legrandin's +hips, which I had not supposed to be so fleshy; I cannot say why, but +this undulation of pure matter, this wholly carnal fluency, with not the +least hint in it of spiritual significance, this wave lashed to a fury +by the wind of an assiduity, an obsequiousness of the basest sort, awoke +my mind suddenly to the possibility of a Legrandin altogether different +from the one whom we knew. The lady gave him some message for her +coachman, and while he was stepping down to her carriage the impression +of joy, timid and devout, which the introduction had stamped there, +still lingered on his face. Carried away in a sort of dream, he smiled, +then he began to hurry back towards the lady; he was walking faster than +usual, and his shoulders swayed backwards and forwards, right and left, +in the most absurd fashion; altogether he looked, so utterly had he +abandoned himself to it, ignoring all other considerations, as though he +were the lifeless and wire-pulled puppet of his own happiness. Meanwhile +we were coming out through the porch; we were passing close beside him; +he was too well bred to turn his head away; but he fixed his eyes, which +had suddenly changed to those of a seer, lost in the profundity of his +vision, on so distant a point of the horizon that he could not see us, +and so had not to acknowledge our presence. His face emerged, still with +an air of innocence, from his straight and pliant coat, which looked +as though conscious of having been led astray, in spite of itself, +and plunged into surroundings of a detested splendour. And a spotted +necktie, stirred by the breezes of the Square, continued to float in +front of Legrandin, like the standard of his proud isolation, of his +noble independence. Just as we reached the house my mother discovered +that we had forgotten the 'Saint-Honoré,' and asked my father to go +back with me and tell them to send it up at once. Near the church we met +Legrandin, coming towards us with the same lady, whom he was escorting +to her carriage. He brushed past us, and did not interrupt what he was +saying to her, but gave us, out of the corner of his blue eye, a little +sign, which began and ended, so to speak, inside his eyelids, and as +it did not involve the least movement of his facial muscles, managed to +pass quite unperceived by the lady; but, striving to compensate by the +intensity of his feelings for the somewhat restricted field in which +they had to find expression, he made that blue chink, which was set +apart for us, sparkle with all the animation of cordiality, which went +far beyond mere playfulness, and almost touched the border-line of +roguery; he subtilised the refinements of good-fellowship into a wink +of connivance, a hint, a hidden meaning, a secret understanding, all the +mysteries of complicity in a plot, and finally exalted his assurances +of friendship to the level of protestations of affection, even of a +declaration of love, lighting up for us, and for us alone, with a secret +and languid flame invisible by the great lady upon his other side, an +enamoured pupil in a countenance of ice. + +Only the day before he had asked my parents to send me to dine with him +on this same Sunday evening. "Come and bear your aged friend company," +he had said to me. "Like the nosegay which a traveller sends us from +some land to which we shall never go again, come and let me breathe from +the far country of your adolescence the scent of those flowers of +spring among which I also used to wander, many years ago. Come with +the primrose, with the canon's beard, with the gold-cup; come with the +stone-crop, whereof are posies made, pledges of love, in the Balzacian +flora, come with that flower of the Resurrection morning, the Easter +daisy, come with the snowballs of the guelder-rose, which begin to +embalm with their fragrance the alleys of your great-aunt's garden ere +the last snows of Lent are melted from its soil. Come with the glorious +silken raiment of the lily, apparel fit for Solomon, and with the +many-coloured enamel of the pansies, but come, above all, with the +spring breeze, still cooled by the last frosts of winter, wafting apart, +for the two butterflies' sake, that have waited outside all morning, the +closed portals of the first Jerusalem rose." + +The question was raised at home whether, all things considered, I ought +still to be sent to dine with M. Legrandin. But my grandmother refused +to believe that he could have been impolite. + +"You admit yourself that he appears at church there, quite simply +dressed, and all that; he hardly looks like a man of fashion." She added +that; in any event, even if, at the worst, he had been intentionally +rude, it was far better for us to pretend that we had noticed nothing. +And indeed my father himself, though more annoyed than any of us by the +attitude which Legrandin had adopted, may still have held in reserve a +final uncertainty as to its true meaning. It was like every attitude +or action which reveals a man's deep and hidden character; they bear +no relation to what he has previously said, and we cannot confirm our +suspicions by the culprit's evidence, for he will admit nothing; we are +reduced to the evidence of our own senses, and we ask ourselves, in the +face of this detached and incoherent fragment of recollection, whether +indeed our senses have not been the victims of a hallucination; with +the result that such attitudes, and these alone are of importance in +indicating character, are the most apt to leave us in perplexity. + +I dined with Legrandin on the terrace of his house, by moonlight. "There +is a charming quality, is there not," he said to me, "in this silence; +for hearts that are wounded, as mine is, a novelist, whom you will read +in time to come, claims that there is no remedy but silence and shadow. +And see you this, my boy, there comes in all lives a time, towards which +you still have far to go, when the weary eyes can endure but one kind of +light, the light which a fine evening like this prepares for us in the +stillroom of darkness, when the ears can listen to no music save what +the moonlight breathes through the flute of silence." + +I could hear what M. Legrandin was saying; like everything that he said, +it sounded attractive; but I was disturbed by the memory of a lady whom +I had seen recently for the first time; and thinking, now that I +knew that Legrandin was on friendly terms with several of the local +aristocracy, that perhaps she also was among his acquaintance, I +summoned up all my courage and said to him: "Tell me, sir, do you, by +any chance, know the lady--the ladies of Guermantes?" and I felt glad +because, in pronouncing the name, I had secured a sort of power over +it, by the mere act of drawing it up out of my dreams and giving it an +objective existence in the world of spoken things. + +But, at the sound of the word Guermantes, I saw in the middle of each of +our friend's blue eyes a little brown dimple appear, as though they had +been stabbed by some invisible pin-point, while the rest of his pupils, +reacting from the shock, received and secreted the azure overflow. +His fringed eyelids darkened, and drooped. His mouth, which had been +stiffened and seared with bitter lines, was the first to recover, and +smiled, while his eyes still seemed full of pain, like the eyes of a +good-looking martyr whose body bristles with arrows. + +"No, I do not know them," he said, but instead of uttering so simple a +piece of information, a reply in which there was so little that could +astonish me, in the natural and conversational tone which would have +befitted it, he recited it with a separate stress upon each word, +leaning forward, bowing his head, with at once the vehemence which a man +gives, so as to be believed, to a highly improbable statement (as though +the fact that he did not know the Guermantes could be due only to some +strange accident of fortune) and with the emphasis of a man who, finding +himself unable to keep silence about what is to him a painful situation, +chooses to proclaim it aloud, so as to convince his hearers that the +confession he is making is one that causes him no embarrassment, but is +easy, agreeable, spontaneous, that the situation in question, in this +case the absence of relations with the Guermantes family, might very +well have been not forced upon, but actually designed by Legrandin +himself, might arise from some family tradition, some moral principle or +mystical vow which expressly forbade his seeking their society. + +"No," he resumed, explaining by his words the tone in which they were +uttered. "No, I do not know them; I have never wished to know them; I +have always made a point of preserving complete independence; at heart, +as you know, I am a bit of a Radical. People are always coming to me +about it, telling me I am mistaken in not going to Guermantes, that I +make myself seem ill-bred, uncivilised, an old bear. But that's not the +sort of reputation that can frighten me; it's too true! In my heart +of hearts I care for nothing in the world now but a few churches, +books--two or three, pictures--rather more, perhaps, and the light of +the moon when the fresh breeze of youth (such as yours) wafts to my +nostrils the scent of gardens whose flowers my old eyes are not sharp +enough, now, to distinguish." + +I did not understand very clearly why, in order to refrain from going +to the houses of people whom one did not know, it should be necessary to +cling to one's independence, nor how that could give one the appearance +of a savage or a bear. But what I did understand was this, that +Legrandin was not altogether truthful when he said that he cared only +for churches, moonlight, and youth; he cared also, he cared a very +great deal, for people who lived in country houses, and would be so much +afraid, when in their company, of incurring their displeasure that he +would never dare to let them see that he numbered, as well, among +his friends middle-class people, the families of solicitors and +stockbrokers, preferring, if the truth must be known, that it should +be revealed in his absence, when he was out of earshot, that judgment +should go against him (if so it must) by default: in a word, he was a +snob. Of course he would never have admitted all or any of this in the +poetical language which my family and I so much admired. And if I asked +him, "Do you know the Guermantes family?" Legrandin the talker would +reply, "No, I have never cared to know them." But unfortunately the +talker was now subordinated to another Legrandin, whom he kept carefully +hidden in his breast, whom he would never consciously exhibit, because +this other could tell stories about our own Legrandin and about his +snobbishness which would have ruined his reputation for ever; and this +other Legrandin had replied to me already in that wounded look, that +stiffened smile, the undue gravity of his tone in uttering those +few words, in the thousand arrows by which our own Legrandin had +instantaneously been stabbed and sickened, like a Saint Sebastian of +snobbery: + +"Oh, how you hurt me! No, I do not know the Guermantes family. Do not +remind me of the great sorrow of my life." And since this other, +this irrepressible, dominant, despotic Legrandin, if he lacked our +Legrandin's charming vocabulary, shewed an infinitely greater promptness +in expressing himself, by means of what are called 'reflexes,' it +followed that, when Legrandin the talker attempted to silence him, he +would already have spoken, and it would be useless for our friend to +deplore the bad impression which the revelations of his _alter ego_ must +have caused, since he could do no more now than endeavour to mitigate +them. + +This was not to say that M. Legrandin was anything but sincere when he +inveighed against snobs. He could not (from his own knowledge, at least) +be aware that he was one also, since it is only with the passions of +others that we are ever really familiar, and what we come to find out +about our own can be no more than what other people have shewn us. Upon +ourselves they react but indirectly, through our imagination, which +substitutes for our actual, primary motives other, secondary motives, +less stark and therefore more decent. Never had Legrandin's snobbishness +impelled him to make a habit of visiting a duchess as such. Instead, it +would set his imagination to make that duchess appear, in Legrandin's +eyes, endowed with all the graces. He would be drawn towards the +duchess, assuring himself the while that he was yielding to the +attractions of her mind, and her other virtues, which the vile race of +snobs could never understand. Only his fellow-snobs knew that he was +of their number, for, owing to their inability to appreciate the +intervening efforts of his imagination, they saw in close juxtaposition +the social activities of Legrandin and their primary cause. + +At home, meanwhile, we had no longer any illusions as to M. Legrandin, +and our relations with him had become much more distant. Mamma would be +greatly delighted whenever she caught him red-handed in the sin, which +he continued to call the unpardonable sin, of snobbery. As for my +father, he found it difficult to take Legrandin's airs in so light, in +so detached a spirit; and when there was some talk, one year, of sending +me to spend the long summer holidays at Balbec with my grandmother, +he said: "I must, most certainly, tell Legrandin that you are going to +Balbec, to see whether he will offer you an introduction to his sister. +He probably doesn't remember telling us that she lived within a mile of +the place." + +My grandmother, who held that, when one went to the seaside, one ought +to be on the beach from morning to night, to taste the salt breezes, and +that one should not know anyone in the place, because calls and parties +and excursions were so much time stolen from what belonged, by rights, +to the sea-air, begged him on no account to speak to Legrandin of our +plans; for already, in her mind's eye, she could see his sister, Mme. de +Cambremer, alighting from her carriage at the door of our hotel just +as we were on the point of going out fishing, and obliging us to remain +indoors all afternoon to entertain her. But Mamma laughed her fears to +scorn, for she herself felt that the danger was not so threatening, and +that Legrandin would shew no undue anxiety to make us acquainted with +his sister. And, as it happened, there was no need for any of us to +introduce the subject of Balbec, for it was Legrandin himself who, +without the least suspicion that we had ever had any intention of +visiting those parts, walked into the trap uninvited one evening, when +we met him strolling on the banks of the Vivonne. + +"There are tints in the clouds this evening, violets and blues, which +are very beautiful, are they not, my friend?" he said to my father. +"Especially a blue which is far more floral than atmospheric, a +cineraria blue, which it is surprising to see in the sky. And that +little pink cloud there, has it not just the tint of some flower, a +carnation or hydrangea? Nowhere, perhaps, except on the shores of the +English Channel, where Normandy merges into Brittany, have I been able +to find such copious examples of what you might call a vegetable kingdom +in the clouds. Down there, close to Balbec, among all those places which +are still so uncivilised, there is a little bay, charmingly quiet, where +the sunsets of the Auge Valley, those red-and-gold sunsets (which, +all the same, I am very far from despising) seem commonplace and +insignificant; for in that moist and gentle atmosphere these heavenly +flower-beds will break into blossom, in a few moments, in the evenings, +incomparably lovely, and often lasting for hours before they fade. +Others shed their leaves at once, and then it is more beautiful still +to see the sky strewn with the scattering of their innumerable petals, +sulphurous yellow and rosy red. In that bay, which they call the Opal +Bay, the golden sands appear more charming still from being fastened, +like fair Andromeda, to those terrible rocks of the surrounding coast, +to that funereal shore, famed for the number of its wrecks, where every +winter many a brave vessel falls a victim to the perils of the sea. +Balbec! the oldest bone in the geological skeleton that underlies our +soil, the true Armor, the sea, the land's end, the accursed region +which Anatole France--an enchanter whose works our young friend ought to +read--has so well depicted, beneath its eternal fogs, as though it were +indeed the land of the Cimmerians in the Odyssey. Balbec; yes, they +are building hotels there now, superimposing them upon its ancient and +charming soil, which they are powerless to alter; how delightful it is, +down there, to be able to step out at once into regions so primitive and +so entrancing." + +"Indeed! And do you know anyone at Balbec?" inquired my father. "This +young man is just going to spend a couple of months there with his +grandmother, and my wife too, perhaps." + +Legrandin, taken unawares by the question at a moment when he was +looking directly at my father, was unable to turn aside his gaze, and so +concentrated it with steadily increasing intensity--smiling mournfully +the while--upon the eyes of his questioner, with an air of friendliness +and frankness and of not being afraid to look him in the face, until he +seemed to have penetrated my father's skull, as it had been a ball of +glass, and to be seeing, at the moment, a long way beyond and behind it, +a brightly coloured cloud, which provided him with a mental alibi, and +would enable him to establish the theory that, just when he was +being asked whether he knew anyone at Balbec, he had been thinking +of something else, and so had not heard the question. As a rule these +tactics make the questioner proceed to ask, "Why, what are you thinking +about?" But my father, inquisitive, annoyed, and cruel, repeated: "Have +you friends, then, in that neighbourhood, that you know Balbec so well?" + +In a final and desperate effort the smiling gaze of Legrandin struggled +to the extreme limits of its tenderness, vagueness, candour, and +distraction; then feeling, no doubt, that there was nothing left for it +now but to answer, he said to us: "I have friends all the world over, +wherever there are companies of trees, stricken but not defeated, +which have come together to offer a common supplication, with pathetic +obstinacy, to an inclement sky which has no mercy upon them." + +"That is not quite what I meant," interrupted my father, obstinate as +a tree and merciless as the sky. "I asked you, in case anything should +happen to my mother-in-law and she wanted to feel that she was not all +alone down there, at the ends of the earth, whether you knew any of the +people." + +"There as elsewhere, I know everyone and I know no one," replied +Legrandin, who was by no means ready yet to surrender; "places I know +well, people very slightly. But, down there, the places themselves seem +to me just like people, rare and wonderful people, of a delicate quality +which would have been corrupted and ruined by the gift of life. Perhaps +it is a castle which you encounter upon the cliff's edge; standing there +by the roadside, where it has halted to contemplate its sorrows before +an evening sky, still rosy, through which a golden moon is climbing; +while the fishing-boats, homeward bound, creasing the watered silk of +the Channel, hoist its pennant at their mastheads and carry its colours. +Or perhaps it is a simple dwelling-house that stands alone, ugly, if +anything, timid-seeming but full of romance, hiding from every eye some +imperishable secret of happiness and disenchantment. That land which +knows not truth," he continued with Machiavellian subtlety, "that land +of infinite fiction makes bad reading for any boy; and is certainly +not what I should choose or recommend for my young friend here, who is +already so much inclined to melancholy, for a heart already predisposed +to receive its impressions. Climates that breathe amorous secrets and +futile regrets may agree with an old and disillusioned man like myself; +but they must always prove fatal to a temperament which is still +unformed. Believe me," he went on with emphasis, "the waters of that +bay--more Breton than Norman--may exert a sedative influence, though +even that is of questionable value, upon a heart which, like mine, is no +longer unbroken, a heart for whose wounds there is no longer anything +to compensate. But at your age, my boy, those waters are +contra-indicated.... Good night to you, neighbours," he added, moving +away from us with that evasive abruptness to which we were accustomed; +and then, turning towards us, with a physicianly finger raised in +warning, he resumed the consultation: "No Balbec before you are fifty!" +he called out to me, "and even then it must depend on the state of the +heart." + +My father spoke to him of it again, as often as we met him, and tortured +him with questions, but it was labour in vain: like that scholarly +swindler who devoted to the fabrication of forged palimpsests a wealth +of skill and knowledge and industry the hundredth part of which would +have sufficed to establish him in a more lucrative--but an honourable +occupation, M. Legrandin, had we insisted further, would in the end have +constructed a whole system of ethics, and a celestial geography of Lower +Normandy, sooner than admit to us that, within a mile of Balbec, his own +sister was living in her own house; sooner than find himself obliged +to offer us a letter of introduction, the prospect of which would never +have inspired him with such terror had he been absolutely certain--as, +from his knowledge of my grandmother's character, he really ought to +have been certain--that in no circumstances whatsoever would we have +dreamed of making use of it. + +* * * + +We used always to return from our walks in good time to pay aunt Léonie +a visit before dinner. In the first weeks of our Combray holidays, when +the days ended early, we would still be able to see, as we turned +into the Rue du Saint-Esprit, a reflection of the western sky from the +windows of the house and a band of purple at the foot of the Calvary, +which was mirrored further on in the pond; a fiery glow which, +accompanied often by a cold that burned and stung, would associate +itself in my mind with the glow of the fire over which, at that very +moment, was roasting the chicken that was to furnish me, in place of the +poetic pleasure I had found in my walk, with the sensual pleasures of +good feeding, warmth and rest. But in summer, when we came back to the +house, the sun would not have set; and while we were upstairs paying our +visit to aunt Léonie its rays, sinking until they touched and lay along +her window-sill, would there be caught and held by the large inner +curtains and the bands which tied them back to the wall, and split and +scattered and filtered; and then, at last, would fall upon and inlay +with tiny flakes of gold the lemonwood of her chest-of-drawers, +illuminating the room in their passage with the same delicate, slanting, +shadowed beams that fall among the boles of forest trees. But on some +days, though very rarely, the chest-of-drawers would long since have +shed its momentary adornments, there would no longer, as we turned into +the Rue du Saint-Esprit, be any reflection from the western sky burning +along the line of window-panes; the pond beneath the Calvary would +have lost its fiery glow, sometimes indeed had changed already to an +opalescent pallor, while a long ribbon of moonlight, bent and broken +and broadened by every ripple upon the water's surface, would be lying +across it, from end to end. Then, as we drew near the house, we would +make out a figure standing upon the doorstep, and Mamma would say to me: +"Good heavens! There is Françoise looking out for us; your aunt must be +anxious; that means we are late." + +And without wasting time by stopping to take off our 'things' we would +fly upstairs to my aunt Léonie's room to reassure her, to prove to her +by our bodily presence that all her gloomy imaginings were false, that, +on the contrary, nothing had happened to us, but that we had gone the +'Guermantes way,' and, good lord, when one took that walk, my aunt knew +well enough that one could never say at what time one would be home. + +"There, Françoise," my aunt would say, "didn't I tell you that they must +have gone the Guermantes way? Good gracious! They must be hungry! And +your nice leg of mutton will be quite dried up now, after all the hours +it's been waiting. What a time to come in! Well, and so you went the +Guermantes way?" + +"But, Leonie, I supposed you knew," Mamma would answer. "I thought +that Françoise had seen us go out by the little gate, through the +kitchen-garden." + +For there were, in the environs of Combray, two 'ways' which we used to +take for our walks, and so diametrically opposed that we would actually +leave the house by a different door, according to the way we had chosen: +the way towards Méséglise-la-Vineuse, which we called also 'Swann's +way,' because, to get there, one had to pass along the boundary of M. +Swann's estate, and the 'Guermantes way.' Of Méséglise-la-Vineuse, to +tell the truth, I never knew anything more than the way there, and +the strange people who would come over on Sundays to take the air in +Combray, people whom, this time, neither my aunt nor any of us would +'know at all,' and whom we would therefore assume to be 'people who must +have come over from Méséglise.' As for Guermantes, I was to know it well +enough one day, but that day had still to come; and, during the whole +of my boyhood, if Méséglise was to me something as inaccessible as the +horizon, which remained hidden from sight, however far one went, by the +folds of a country which no longer bore the least resemblance to the +country round Combray; Guermantes, on the other hand, meant no more than +the ultimate goal, ideal rather than real, of the 'Guermantes way,' a +sort of abstract geographical term like the North Pole or the Equator. +And so to 'take the Guermantes way' in order to get to Méséglise, or +vice versa, would have seemed to me as nonsensical a proceeding as to +turn to the east in order to reach the west. Since my father used always +to speak of the 'Méséglise way' as comprising the finest view of a plain +that he knew anywhere, and of the 'Guermantes way' as typical of river +scenery, I had invested each of them, by conceiving them in this way as +two distinct entities, with that cohesion, that unity which belongs +only to the figments of the mind; the smallest detail of either of +them appeared to me as a precious thing, which exhibited the special +excellence of the whole, while, immediately beside them, in the first +stages of our walk, before we had reached the sacred soil of one or the +other, the purely material roads, at definite points on which they +were set down as the ideal view over a plain and the ideal scenery of a +river, were no more worth the trouble of looking at them than, to a keen +playgoer and lover of dramatic art, are the little streets which may +happen to run past the walls of a theatre. But, above all, I set between +them, far more distinctly than the mere distance in miles and yards and +inches which separated one from the other, the distance that there was +between the two parts of my brain in which I used to think of them, one +of those distances of the mind which time serves only to lengthen, which +separate things irremediably from one another, keeping them for ever +upon different planes. And this distinction was rendered still more +absolute because the habit we had of never going both ways on the same +day, or in the course of the same walk, but the 'Méséglise way' one time +and the 'Guermantes way' another, shut them up, so to speak, far apart +and unaware of each other's existence, in the sealed vessels--between +which there could be no communication--of separate afternoons. + +When we had decided to go the 'Méséglise way' we would start (without +undue haste, and even if the sky were clouded over, since the walk was +not very long, and did not take us too far from home), as though we were +not going anywhere in particular, by the front-door of my aunt's house, +which opened on to the Rue du Saint-Esprit. We would be greeted by +the gunsmith, we would drop our letters into the box, we would tell +Théodore, from Françoise, as we passed, that she had run out of oil +or coffee, and we would leave the town by the road which ran along the +white fence of M. Swann's park. Before reaching it we would be met on +our way by the scent of his lilac-trees, come out to welcome strangers. +Out of the fresh little green hearts of their foliage the lilacs raised +inquisitively over the fence of the park their plumes of white or purple +blossom, which glowed, even in the shade, with the sunlight in which +they had been bathed. Some of them, half-concealed by the little +tiled house, called the Archers' Lodge, in which Swann's keeper lived, +overtopped its gothic gable with their rosy minaret. The nymphs of +spring would have seemed coarse and vulgar in comparison with these +young houris, who retained, in this French garden, the pure and vivid +colouring of a Persian miniature. Despite my desire to throw my arms +about their pliant forms and to draw down towards me the starry locks +that crowned their fragrant heads, we would pass them by without +stopping, for my parents had ceased to visit Tansonville since Swann's +marriage, and, so as not to appear to be looking into his park, we +would, instead of taking the road which ran beside its boundary and then +climbed straight up to the open fields, choose another way, which led in +the same direction, but circuitously, and brought us out rather too far +from home. + +One day my grandfather said to my 'father: "Don't you remember Swann's +telling us yesterday that his wife and daughter had gone off to Rheims +and that he was taking the opportunity of spending a day or two in +Paris? We might go along by the park, since the ladies are not at home; +that will make it a little shorter." + +We stopped for a moment by the fence. Lilac-time was nearly over; some +of the trees still thrust aloft, in tall purple chandeliers, their tiny +balls of blossom, but in many places among their foliage where, only +a week before, they had still been breaking in waves of fragrant foam, +these were now spent and shrivelled and discoloured, a hollow scum, dry +and scentless. My grandfather pointed out to my father in what respects +the appearance of the place was still the same, and how far it had +altered since the walk that he had taken with old M. Swann, on the day +of his wife's death; and he seized the opportunity to tell us, once +again, the story of that walk. + +In front of us a path bordered with nasturtiums rose in the full glare +of the sun towards the house. But to our right the park stretched away +into the distance, on level ground. Overshadowed by the tall trees which +stood close around it, an 'ornamental water' had been constructed by +Swann's parents but, even in his most artificial creations, nature is +the material upon which man has to work; certain spots will persist in +remaining surrounded by the vassals of their own especial sovereignty, +and will raise their immemorial standards among all the 'laid-out' +scenery of a park, just as they would have done far from any human +interference, in a solitude which must everywhere return to engulf +them, springing up out of the necessities of their exposed position, and +superimposing itself upon the work of man's hands. And so it was that, +at the foot of the path which led down to this artificial lake, there +might be seen, in its two tiers woven of trailing forget-me-nots below +and of periwinkle flowers above, the natural, delicate, blue garland +which binds the luminous, shadowed brows of water-nymphs; while the +iris, its swords sweeping every way in regal profusion, stretched out +over agrimony and water-growing king-cups the lilied sceptres, tattered +glories of yellow and purple, of the kingdom of the lake. + +The absence of Mlle. Swann, which--since it preserved me from the +terrible risk of seeing her appear on one of the paths, and of being +identified and scorned by this so privileged little girl who had +Bergotte for a friend and used to go with him to visit cathedrals--made +the exploration of Tansonville, now for the first time permitted me, a +matter of indifference to myself, seemed however to invest the property, +in my grandfather's and father's eyes, with a fresh and transient charm, +and (like an entirely cloudless sky when one is going mountaineering) to +make the day extraordinarily propitious for a walk in this direction; +I should have liked to see their reckoning proved false, to see, by a +miracle, Mlle. Swann appear, with her father, so close to us that we +should not have time to escape, and should therefore be obliged to make +her acquaintance. And so, when I suddenly noticed a straw basket lying +forgotten on the grass by the side of a line whose float was bobbing +in the water, I made a great effort to keep my father and grandfather +looking in another direction, away from this sign that she might, after +all, be in residence. Still, as Swann had told us that he ought not, +really, to go away just then, as he had some people staying in the +house, the line might equally belong to one of these guests. Not a +footstep was to be heard on any of the paths. Somewhere in one of the +tall trees, making a stage in its height, an invisible bird, desperately +attempting to make the day seem shorter, was exploring with a long, +continuous note the solitude that pressed it on every side, but it +received at once so unanimous an answer, so powerful a repercussion of +silence and of immobility that, one would have said, it had arrested +for all eternity the moment which it had been trying to make pass more +quickly. The sunlight fell so implacably from a fixed sky that one was +naturally inclined to slip away out of the reach of its attentions, and +even the slumbering water, whose repose was perpetually being invaded by +the insects that swarmed above its surface, while it dreamed, no doubt, +of some imaginary maelstrom, intensified the uneasiness which the sight +of that floating cork had wrought in me, by appearing to draw it at +full speed across the silent reaches of a mirrored firmament; now almost +vertical, it seemed on the point of plunging down out of sight, and +I had begun to ask myself whether, setting aside the longing and the +terror that I had of making her acquaintance, it was not actually my +duty to warn Mlle. Swann that the fish was biting--when I was obliged +to run after my father and grandfather, who were calling me, and were +surprised that I had not followed them along the little path, climbing +up hill towards the open fields, into which they had already turned. I +found the whole path throbbing with the fragrance of hawthorn-blossom. +The hedge resembled a series of chapels, whose walls were no longer +visible under the mountains of flowers that were heaped upon their +altars; while underneath, the sun cast a square of light upon the +ground, as though it had shone in upon them through a window; the scent +that swept out over me from them was as rich, and as circumscribed in +its range, as though I had been standing before the Lady-altar, and +the flowers, themselves adorned also, held out each its little bunch of +glittering stamens with an air of inattention, fine, radiating 'nerves' +in the flamboyant style of architecture, like those which, in church, +framed the stair to the rood-loft or closed the perpendicular tracery +of the windows, but here spread out into pools of fleshy white, like +strawberry-beds in spring. How simple and rustic, in comparison with +these, would seem the dog-roses which, in a few weeks' time, would be +climbing the same hillside path in the heat of the sun, dressed in the +smooth silk of their blushing pink bodices, which would be undone and +scattered by the first breath of wind. + +But it was in vain that I lingered before the hawthorns, to breathe in, +to marshal before my mind (which knew not what to make of it), to lose +in order to rediscover their invisible and unchanging odour, to absorb +myself in the rhythm which disposed their flowers here and there with +the light-heartedness of youth, and at intervals as unexpected as +certain intervals of music; they offered me an indefinite continuation +of the same charm, in an inexhaustible profusion, but without letting +me delve into it any more deeply, like those melodies which one can play +over a hundred times in succession without coming any nearer to their +secret. I turned away from them for a moment so as to be able to return +to them with renewed strength. My eyes followed up the slope which, +outside the hedge, rose steeply to the fields, a poppy that had strayed +and been lost by its fellows, or a few cornflowers that had fallen +lazily behind, and decorated the ground here and there with their +flowers like the border of a tapestry, in which may be seen at intervals +hints of the rustic theme which appears triumphant in the panel itself; +infrequent still, spaced apart as the scattered houses which warn us +that we are approaching a village, they betokened to me the vast expanse +of waving corn beneath the fleecy clouds, and the sight of a single +poppy hoisting upon its slender rigging and holding against the breeze +its scarlet ensign, over the buoy of rich black earth from which it +sprang, made my heart beat as does a wayfarer's when he perceives, upon +some low-lying ground, an old and broken boat which is being caulked and +made seaworthy, and cries out, although he has not yet caught sight of +it, "The Sea!" + +And then I returned to my hawthorns, and stood before them as one stands +before those masterpieces of painting which, one imagines, one will +be better able to 'take in' when one has looked away, for a moment, at +something else; but in vain did I shape my fingers into a frame, so as +to have nothing but the hawthorns before my eyes; the sentiment which +they aroused in me remained obscure and vague, struggling and failing +to free itself, to float across and become one with the flowers. They +themselves offered me no enlightenment, and I could not call upon any +other flowers to satisfy this mysterious longing. And then, inspiring +me with that rapture which we feel on seeing a work by our favourite +painter quite different from any of those that we already know, or, +better still, when some one has taken us and set us down in front of a +picture of which we have hitherto seen no more than a pencilled sketch, +or when a piece of music which we have heard played over on the piano +bursts out again in our ears with all the splendour and fullness of an +orchestra, my grandfather called me to him, and, pointing to the hedge +of Tansonville, said: "You are fond of hawthorns; just look at this pink +one; isn't it pretty?" + +And it was indeed a hawthorn, but one whose flowers were pink, and +lovelier even than the white. It, too, was in holiday attire, for one of +those days which are the only true holidays, the holy days of religion, +because they are not appointed by any capricious accident, as secular +holidays are appointed, upon days which are not specially ordained for +such observances, which have nothing about them that is essentially +festal--but it was attired even more richly than the rest, for the +flowers which clung to its branches, one above another, so thickly as to +leave no part of the tree undecorated, like the tassels wreathed about +the crook of a rococo shepherdess, were every one of them 'in colour,' +and consequently of a superior quality, by the aesthetic standards of +Combray, to the 'plain,' if one was to judge by the scale of prices +at the 'stores' in the Square, or at Camus's, where the most expensive +biscuits were those whose sugar was pink. And for my own part I set a +higher value on cream cheese when it was pink, when I had been allowed +to tinge it with crushed strawberries. And these flowers had chosen +precisely the colour of some edible and delicious thing, or of some +exquisite addition to one's costume for a great festival, which colours, +inasmuch as they make plain the reason for their superiority, are those +whose beauty is most evident to the eyes of children, and for that +reason must always seem more vivid and more natural than any other +tints, even after the child's mind has realised that they offer no +gratification to the appetite, and have not been selected by the +dressmaker. And, indeed, I had felt at once, as I had felt before +the white blossom, but now still more marvelling, that it was in no +artificial manner, by no device of human construction, that the festal +intention of these flowers was revealed, but that it was Nature herself +who had spontaneously expressed it (with the simplicity of a woman from +a village shop, labouring at the decoration of a street altar for some +procession) by burying the bush in these little rosettes, almost too +ravishing in colour, this rustic 'pompadour.' High up on the branches, +like so many of those tiny rose-trees, their pots concealed in jackets +of paper lace, whose slender stems rise in a forest from the altar on +the greater festivals, a thousand buds were swelling and opening, paler +in colour, but each disclosing as it burst, as at the bottom of a cup of +pink marble, its blood-red stain, and suggesting even more strongly +than the full-blown flowers the special, irresistible quality of the +hawthorn-tree, which, wherever it budded, wherever it was about to +blossom, could bud and blossom in pink flowers alone. Taking its place +in the hedge, but as different from the rest as a young girl in holiday +attire among a crowd of dowdy women in everyday clothes, who are staying +at home, equipped and ready for the 'Month of Mary,' of which it seemed +already to form a part, it shone and smiled in its cool, rosy garments, +a Catholic bush indeed, and altogether delightful. + +The hedge allowed us a glimpse, inside the park, of an alley bordered +with jasmine, pansies, and verbenas, among which the stocks held open +their fresh plump purses, of a pink as fragrant and as faded as old +Spanish leather, while on the gravel-path a long watering-pipe, painted +green, coiling across the ground, poured, where its holes were, over the +flowers whose perfume those holes inhaled, a vertical and prismatic fan +of infinitesimal, rainbow-coloured drops. Suddenly I stood still, unable +to move, as happens when something appears that requires not only our +eyes to take it in, but involves a deeper kind of perception and takes +possession of the whole of our being. A little girl, with fair, reddish +hair, who appeared to be returning from a walk, and held a trowel in her +hand, was looking at us, raising towards us a face powdered with pinkish +freckles. Her black eyes gleamed, and as I did not at that time know, +and indeed have never since learned how to reduce to its objective +elements any strong impression, since I had not, as they say, enough +'power of observation' to isolate the sense of their colour, for a long +time afterwards, whenever I thought of her, the memory of those bright +eyes would at once present itself to me as a vivid azure, since her +complexion was fair; so much so that, perhaps, if her eyes had not been +quite so black--which was what struck one most forcibly on first meeting +her--I should not have been, as I was, especially enamoured of their +imagined blue. + +I gazed at her, at first with that gaze which is not merely a messenger +from the eyes, but in whose window all the senses assemble and lean out, +petrified and anxious, that gaze which would fain reach, touch, capture, +bear off in triumph the body at which it is aimed, and the soul with the +body; then (so frightened was I lest at any moment my grandfather and +father, catching sight of the girl, might tear me away from her, by +making me run on in front of them) with another, an unconsciously +appealing look, whose object was to force her to pay attention to me, to +see, to know me. She cast a glance forwards and sideways, so as to take +stock of my grandfather and father, and doubtless the impression she +formed of them was that we were all absurd people, for she turned away +with an indifferent and contemptuous air, withdrew herself so as to +spare her face the indignity of remaining within their field of +vision; and while they, continuing to walk on without noticing her, had +overtaken and passed me, she allowed her eyes to wander, over the space +that lay between us, in my direction, without any particular expression, +without appearing to have seen me, but with an intensity, a half-hidden +smile which I was unable to interpret, according to the instruction I +had received in the ways of good breeding, save as a mark of infinite +disgust; and her hand, at the same time, sketched in the air an +indelicate gesture, for which, when it was addressed in public to a +person whom one did not know, the little dictionary of manners which +I carried in my mind supplied only one meaning, namely, a deliberate +insult. + +"Gilberte, come along; what are you doing?" called out in a piercing +tone of authority a lady in white, whom I had not seen until that +moment, while, a little way beyond her, a gentleman in a suit of linen +'ducks,' whom I did not know either, stared at me with eyes which seemed +to be starting from his head; the little girl's smile abruptly faded, +and, seizing her trowel, she made off without turning to look again in +my direction, with an air of obedience, inscrutable and sly. + +And so was wafted to my ears the name of Gilberte, bestowed on me like a +talisman which might, perhaps, enable me some day to rediscover her whom +its syllables had just endowed with a definite personality, whereas, a +moment earlier, she had been only something vaguely seen. So it came +to me, uttered across the heads of the stocks and jasmines, pungent and +cool as the drops which fell from the green watering-pipe; impregnating +and irradiating the zone of pure air through which it had passed, which +it set apart and isolated from all other air, with the mystery of the +life of her whom its syllables designated to the happy creatures that +lived and walked and travelled in her company; unfolding through the +arch of the pink hawthorn, which opened at the height of my shoulder, +the quintessence of their familiarity--so exquisitely painful to +myself--with her, and with all that unknown world of her existence, into +which I should never penetrate. + +For a moment (while we moved away, and my grandfather murmured: "Poor +Swann, what a life they are leading him; fancy sending him away so +that she can be left alone with her Charlus--for that was Charlus: I +recognised him at once! And the child, too; at her age, to be mixed up +in all that!") the impression left on me by the despotic tone in which +Gilberte's mother had spoken to her, without her replying, by exhibiting +her to me as being obliged to yield obedience to some one else, as not +being indeed superior to the whole world, calmed my sufferings somewhat, +revived some hope in me, and cooled the ardour of my love. But very soon +that love surged up again in me like a reaction by which my humiliated +heart was endeavouring to rise to Gilberte's level, or to draw her down +to its own. I loved her; I was sorry not to have had the time and the +inspiration to insult her, to do her some injury, to force her to keep +some memory of me. I knew her to be so beautiful that I should have +liked to be able to retrace my steps so as to shake my fist at her and +shout, "I think you are hideous, grotesque; you are utterly disgusting!" +However, I walked away, carrying with me, then and for ever afterwards, +as the first illustration of a type of happiness rendered inaccessible +to a little boy of my kind by certain laws of nature which it was +impossible to transgress, the picture of a little girl with reddish +hair, and a skin freckled with tiny pink marks, who held a trowel in +her hand, and smiled as she directed towards me a long and subtle and +inexpressive stare. And already the charm with which her name, like a +cloud of incense, had filled that archway in the pink hawthorn through +which she and I had, together, heard its sound, was beginning to +conquer, to cover, to embalm, to beautify everything with which it had +any association: her grandparents, whom my own had been so unspeakably +fortunate as to know, the glorious profession of a stockholder, even +the melancholy neighbourhood of the Champs-Elysées, where she lived in +Paris. + +"Léonie," said my grandfather on our return, "I wish we had had you with +us this afternoon. You would never have known Tansonville. If I had had +the courage I would have cut you a branch of that pink hawthorn you used +to like so much." And so my grandfather told her the story of our walk, +either just to amuse her, or perhaps because there was still some hope +that she might be stimulated to rise from her bed and to go out of +doors. For in earlier days she had been very fond of Tansonville, and, +moreover, Swann's visits had been the last that she had continued to +receive, at a time when she had already closed her doors to all the +world. And just as, when he called, in these later days, to inquire for +her (and she was still the only person in our household whom he would +ask to see), she would send down to say that she was tired at the moment +and resting, but that she would be happy to see him another time, +so, this evening, she said to my grandfather, "Yes, some day when the +weather is fine I shall go for a drive as far as the gate of the park." +And in saying this she was quite sincere. She would have liked to see +Swann and Tansonville again; but the mere wish to do so sufficed for all +that remained of her strength, which its fulfilment would have more +than exhausted. Sometimes a spell of fine weather made her a little more +energetic, she would rise and put on her clothes; but before she had +reached the outer room she would be 'tired' again, and would insist on +returning to her bed. The process which had begun in her--and in her a +little earlier only than it must come to all of us--was the great and +general renunciation which old age makes in preparation for death, the +chrysalis stage of life, which may be observed wherever life has been +unduly prolonged; even in old lovers who have lived for one another with +the utmost intensity of passion, and in old friends bound by the closest +ties of mental sympathy, who, after a certain year, cease to make the +necessary journey, or even to cross the street to see one another, cease +to correspond, and know well that they will communicate no more in this +world. My aunt must have been perfectly well aware that she would not +see Swann again, that she would never leave her own house any more, but +this ultimate seclusion seemed to be accepted by her with all the more +readiness for the very reason which, to our minds, ought to have made +it more unbearable; namely, that such a seclusion was forced upon her by +the gradual and steady diminution in her strength which she was able to +measure daily, which, by making every action, every movement 'tiring' to +her if not actually painful, gave to inaction, isolation and silence the +blessed, strengthening and refreshing charm of repose. + +My aunt did not go to see the pink hawthorn in the hedge, but at all +hours of the day I would ask the rest of my family whether she was +not going to go, whether she used not, at one time, to go often to +Tansonville, trying to make them speak of Mlle. Swann's parents and +grandparents, who appeared to me to be as great and glorious as gods. +The name, which had for me become almost mythological, of Swann--when I +talked with my family I would grow sick with longing to hear them +utter it; I dared not pronounce it myself, but I would draw them into a +discussion of matters which led naturally to Gilberte and her family, in +which she was involved, in speaking of which I would feel myself not too +remotely banished from her company; and I would suddenly force my father +(by pretending, for instance, to believe that my grandfather's business +had been in our family before his day, or that the hedge with the pink +hawthorn which my aunt Léonie wished to visit was on common ground) to +correct my statements, to say, as though in opposition to me and of his +own accord: "No, no, the business belonged to _Swann's_ father, that +hedge is part of _Swann's_ park." And then I would be obliged to pause +for breath; so stifling was the pressure, upon that part of me where it +was for ever inscribed, of that name which, at the moment when I heard +it, seemed to me fuller, more portentous than any other name, because +it was burdened with the weight of all the occasions on which I had +secretly uttered it in my mind. It caused me a pleasure which I was +ashamed to have dared to demand from my parents, for so great was it +that to have procured it for me must have involved them in an immensity +of effort, and with no recompense, since for them there was no pleasure +in the sound. And so I would prudently turn the conversation. And by +a scruple of conscience, also. All the singular seductions which I had +stored up in the sound of that word Swann, I found again as soon as it +was uttered. And then it occurred to me suddenly that my parents could +not fail to experience the same emotions, that they must find themselves +sharing my point of view, that they perceived in their turn, that they +condoned, that they even embraced my visionary longings, and I was as +wretched as though I had ravished and corrupted the innocence of their +hearts. + +That year my family fixed the day of their return to Paris rather +earlier than usual. On the morning of our departure I had had my +hair curled, to be ready to face the photographer, had had a new hat +carefully set upon my head, and had been buttoned into a velvet jacket; +a little later my mother, after searching everywhere for me, found me +standing in tears on that steep little hillside close to Tansonville, +bidding a long farewell to my hawthorns, clasping their sharp branches +to my bosom, and (like a princess in a tragedy, oppressed by the weight +of all her senseless jewellery) with no gratitude towards the officious +hand which had, in curling those ringlets, been at pains to collect all +my hair upon my forehead; trampling underfoot the curl-papers which I +had torn from my head, and my new hat with them. My mother was not at +all moved by my tears, but she could not suppress a cry at the sight of +my battered headgear and my ruined jacket. I did not, however, hear her. +"Oh, my poor little hawthorns," I was assuring them through my sobs, "it +is not you that want to make me unhappy, to force me to leave you. +You, you have never done me any harm. So I shall always love you." And, +drying my eyes, I promised them that, when I grew up, I would never copy +the foolish example of other men, but that even in Paris, on fine spring +days, instead of paying calls and listening to silly talk, I would make +excursions into the country to see the first hawthorn-trees in bloom. + +Once in the fields we never left them again during the rest of our +Méséglise walk. They were perpetually crossed, as though by invisible +streams of traffic, by the wind, which was to me the tutelary genius of +Combray. Every year, on the day of our arrival, in order to feel that I +really was at Combray, I would climb the hill to find it running again +through my clothing, and setting me running in its wake. One always +had the wind for companion when one went the 'Méséglise way,' on +that swelling plain which stretched, mile beyond mile, without any +disturbance of its gentle contour. I knew that Mlle. Swann used often +to go and spend a few days at Laon, and, for all that it was many +miles away, the distance was obviated by the absence of any intervening +obstacle; when, on hot afternoons, I would see a breath of wind emerge +from the farthest horizon, bowing the heads of the corn in distant +fields, pouring like a flood over all that vast expanse, and finally +settling down, warm and rustling, among the clover and sainfoin at my +feet, that plain which was common to us both seemed then to draw us +together, to unite us; I would imagine that the same breath had passed +by her also, that there was some message from her in what it was +whispering to me, without my being able to understand it, and I would +catch and kiss it as it passed. On my left was a village called Champieu +(_Campus Pagani_, according to the Curé). On my right I could see +across the cornfields the two crocketed, rustic spires of +Saint-André-des-Champs, themselves as tapering, scaly, plated, +honeycombed, yellowed, and roughened as two ears of wheat. + +At regular intervals, among the inimitable ornamentation of their +leaves, which can be mistaken for those of no other fruit-tree, the +apple-trees were exposing their broad petals of white satin, or hanging +in shy bunches their unopened, blushing buds. It was while going +the 'Méséglise way' that I first noticed the circular shadow which +apple-trees cast upon the sunlit ground, and also those impalpable +threads of golden silk which the setting sun weaves slantingly downwards +from beneath their leaves, and which I would see my father slash through +with his stick without ever making them swerve from their straight path. + +Sometimes in the afternoon sky a white moon would creep up like a little +cloud, furtive, without display, suggesting an actress who does not have +to 'come on' for a while, and so goes 'in front' in her ordinary +clothes to watch the rest of the company for a moment, but keeps in the +background, not wishing to attract attention to herself. I was glad to +find her image reproduced in books and paintings, though these works of +art were very different--at least in my earlier years, before Bloch had +attuned my eyes and mind to more subtle harmonies--from those in +which the moon seems fair to me to-day, but in which I should not have +recognised her then. It might be, for instance, some novel by Saintine, +some landscape by Gleyre, in which she is cut out sharply against the +sky, in the form of a silver sickle, some work as unsophisticated and +as incomplete as were, at that date, my own impressions, and which it +enraged my grandmother's sisters to see me admire. They held that one +ought to set before children, and that children shewed their own innate +good taste in admiring, only such books and pictures as they would +continue to admire when their minds were developed and mature. No doubt +they regarded aesthetic values as material objects which an unclouded +vision could not fail to discern, without needing to have their +equivalent in experience of life stored up and slowly ripening in one's +heart. + +It was along the 'Méséglise way,' at Montjouvain, a house built on the +edge of a large pond, and overlooked by a steep, shrub-grown hill, that +M. Vinteuil lived. And so we used often to meet his daughter driving her +dogcart at full speed along the road. After a certain year we never +saw her alone, but always accompanied by a friend, a girl older than +herself, with an evil reputation in the neighbourhood, who in the end +installed herself permanently, one day, at Montjouvain. People said: +"That poor M. Vinteuil must be blinded by love not to see what everyone +is talking about, and to let his daughter--a man who is horrified if you +use a word in the wrong sense--bring a woman like that to live under his +roof. He says that she is a most superior woman, with a heart of gold, +and that she would have shewn extraordinary musical talent if she had +only been trained. He may be sure it is not music that she is teaching +his daughter." But M. Vinteuil assured them that it was, and indeed +it is remarkable that people never fail to arouse admiration of their +normal qualities in the relatives of anyone with whom they are in +physical intercourse. Bodily passion, which has been so unjustly +decried, compels its victims to display every vestige that is in them +of unselfishness and generosity, and so effectively that they shine +resplendent in the eyes of all beholders. Dr. Percepied, whose loud +voice and bushy eyebrows enabled him to play to his heart's content the +part of 'double-dealer,' a part to which he was not, otherwise, adapted, +without in the least degree compromising his unassailable and quite +unmerited reputation of being a kind-hearted old curmudgeon, could make +the Curé and everyone else laugh until they cried by saying in a harsh +voice: "What d'ye say to this, now? It seems that she plays music with +her friend, Mlle. Vinteuil. That surprises you, does it? Oh, I know +nothing, nothing at all. It was Papa Vinteuil who told me all about +it yesterday. After all, she has every right to be fond of music, that +girl. I should never dream of thwarting the artistic vocation of a +child; nor Vinteuil either, it seems. And then he plays music too, +with his daughter's friend. Why, gracious heavens, it must be a regular +musical box, that house out there! What are you laughing at? I say +they've been playing too much music, those people. I met Papa Vinteuil +the other day, by the cemetery. It was all he could do to keep on his +feet." + +Anyone who, like ourselves, had seen M. Vinteuil, about this time, +avoiding people whom he knew, and turning away as soon as he caught +sight of them, changed in a few months into an old man, engulfed in a +sea of sorrows, incapable of any effort not directly aimed at promoting +his daughter's happiness, spending whole days beside his wife's grave, +could hardly have failed to realise that he was gradually dying of a +broken heart, could hardly have supposed that he paid no attention to +the rumours which were going about. He knew, perhaps he even believed, +what his neighbours were saying. There is probably no one, however rigid +his virtue, who is not liable to find himself, by the complexity of +circumstances, living at close quarters with the very vice which +he himself has been most outspoken in condemning, without at first +recognising it beneath the disguise which it assumes on entering his +presence, so as to wound him and to make him suffer; the odd words, the +unaccountable attitude, one evening, of a person whom he has a thousand +reasons for loving. But for a man of M. Vinteuil's sensibility it must +have been far more painful than for a hardened man of the world to have +to resign himself to one of those situations which are wrongly supposed +to occur in Bohemian circles only; for they are produced whenever there +needs to establish itself in the security necessary to its development a +vice which Nature herself has planted in the soul of a child, perhaps by +no more than blending the virtues of its father and mother, as she might +blend the colours of their eyes. And yet however much M. Vinteuil +may have known of his daughter's conduct it did not follow that his +adoration of her grew any less. The facts of life do not penetrate to +the sphere in which our beliefs are cherished; as it was not they that +engendered those beliefs, so they are powerless to destroy them; they +can aim at them continual blows of contradiction and disproof without +weakening them; and an avalanche of miseries and maladies coming, one +after another, without interruption into the bosom of a family, will not +make it lose faith in either the clemency of its God or the capacity of +its physician. But when M. Vinteuil regarded his daughter and himself +from the point of view of the world, and of their reputation, when he +attempted to place himself by her side in the rank which they occupied +in the general estimation of their neighbours, then he was bound to give +judgment, to utter his own and her social condemnation in precisely +the terms which the inhabitant of Combray most hostile to him and his +daughter would have employed; he saw himself and her in 'low,' in the +very 'lowest water,' inextricably stranded; and his manners had of late +been tinged with that humility, that respect for persons who ranked +above him and to whom he must now look up (however far beneath him they +might hitherto have been), that tendency to search for some means of +rising again to their level, which is an almost mechanical result of any +human misfortune. + +One day, when we were walking with Swann in one of the streets of +Combray, M. Vinteuil, turning out of another street, found himself so +suddenly face to face with us all that he had not time to escape; and +Swann, with that almost arrogant charity of a man of the world who, +amid the dissolution of all his own moral prejudices, finds in another's +shame merely a reason for treating him with a friendly benevolence, the +outward signs of which serve to enhance and gratify the self-esteem of +the bestower because he feels that they are all the more precious to him +upon whom they are bestowed, conversed at great length with M. Vinteuil, +with whom for a long time he had been barely on speaking terms, and +invited him, before leaving us, to send his daughter over, one day, +to play at Tansonville. It was an invitation which, two years earlier, +would have enraged M. Vinteuil, but which now filled him with so much +gratitude that he felt himself obliged to refrain from the indiscretion +of accepting. Swann's friendly regard for his daughter seemed to him to +be in itself so honourable, so precious a support for his cause that he +felt it would perhaps be better to make no use of it, so as to have the +wholly Platonic satisfaction of keeping it in reserve. + +"What a charming man!" he said to us, after Swann had gone, with the +same enthusiasm and veneration which make clever and pretty women of the +middle classes fall victims to the physical and intellectual charms of a +duchess, even though she be ugly and a fool. "What a charming man! What +a pity that he should have made such a deplorable marriage!" + +And then, so strong an element of hypocrisy is there in even the most +sincere of men, who cast off, while they are talking to anyone, the +opinion they actually hold of him and will express when he is no longer +there, my family joined with M. Vinteuil in deploring Swann's marriage, +invoking principles and conventions which (all the more because they +invoked them in common with him, as though we were all thorough good +fellows of the same sort) they appeared to suggest were in no way +infringed at Montjouvain. M. Vinteuil did not send his daughter to visit +Swann, an omission which Swann was the first to regret. For constantly, +after meeting M. Vinteuil, he would remember that he had been meaning +for a long time to ask him about some one of the same name as himself, +one of his relatives, Swann supposed. And on this occasion he determined +that he would not forget what he had to say to him when M. Vinteuil +should appear with his daughter at Tansonville. + +Since the 'Méséglise way' was the shorter of the two that we used to +take for our walks round Combray, and for that reason was reserved for +days of uncertain weather, it followed that the climate of Méséglise +shewed an unduly high rainfall, and we would never lose sight of the +fringe of Roussainville wood, so that we could, at any moment, run for +shelter beneath its dense thatch of leaves. + +Often the sun would disappear behind a cloud, which impinged on its +roundness, but whose edge the sun gilded in return. The brightness, +though not the light of day, would then be shut off from a landscape +in which all life appeared to be suspended, while the little village +of Roussainville carved in relief upon the sky the white mass of its +gables, with a startling precision of detail. A gust of wind blew from +its perch a rook, which floated away and settled in the distance, while +beneath a paling sky the woods on the horizon assumed a deeper tone of +blue, as though they were painted in one of those cameos which you still +find decorating the walls of old houses. + +But on other days would begin to fall the rain, of which we had had due +warning from the little barometer-figure which the spectacle-maker hung +out in his doorway. Its drops, like migrating birds which fly off in a +body at a given moment, would come down out of the sky in close marching +order. They would never drift apart, would make no movement at random in +their rapid course, but each one, keeping in its place, would draw +after it the drop which was following, and the sky would be as greatly +darkened as by the swallows flying south. We would take refuge among the +trees. And when it seemed that their flight was accomplished, a few last +drops, feebler and slower than the rest, would still come down. But we +would emerge from our shelter, for the rain was playing a game, now, +among the branches, and, even when it was almost dry again underfoot, a +stray drop or two, lingering in the hollow of a leaf, would run down and +hang glistening from the point of it until suddenly it splashed plump +upon our upturned faces from the whole height of the tree. + +Often, too, we would hurry for shelter, tumbling in among all its stony +saints and patriarchs, into the porch of Saint-André-des-Champs. How +typically French that church was! Over its door the saints, the kings +of chivalry with lilies in their hands, the wedding scenes and funerals +were carved as they might have been in the mind of Françoise. The +sculptor had also recorded certain anecdotes of Aristotle and Virgil, +precisely as Françoise in her kitchen would break into speech about +Saint Louis as though she herself had known him, generally in order to +depreciate, by contrast with him, my grandparents, whom she considered +less 'righteous.' One could see that the ideas which the mediaeval +artist and the mediaeval peasant (who had survived to cook for us in +the nineteenth century) had of classical and of early Christian history, +ideas whose inaccuracy was atoned for by their honest simplicity, were +derived not from books, but from a tradition at once ancient and direct, +unbroken, oral, degraded, unrecognisable, and alive. Another Combray +person whom I could discern also, potential and typified, in the gothic +sculptures of Saint-André-des-Champs was young Théodore, the assistant +in Camus's shop. And, indeed, Françoise herself was well aware that she +had in him a countryman and contemporary, for when my aunt was too ill +for Françoise to be able, unaided, to lift her in her bed or to carry +her to her chair, rather than let the kitchen-maid come upstairs +and, perhaps, 'make an impression' on my aunt, she would send out for +Théodore. And this lad, who was regarded, and quite rightly, in the town +as a 'bad character,' was so abounding in that spirit which had served +to decorate the porch of Saint-André-des-Champs, and particularly in the +feelings of respect due, in Françoise eyes, to all 'poor invalids,' and, +above all, to her own 'poor mistress,' that he had, when he bent down +to raise my aunt's head from her pillow, the same air of préraphaélite +simplicity and zeal which the little angels in the bas-reliefs wear, who +throng, with tapers in their hands, about the deathbed of Our Lady, as +though those carved faces of stone, naked and grey like trees in winter, +were, like them, asleep only, storing up life and waiting to flower +again in countless plebeian faces, reverend and cunning as the face of +Théodore, and glowing with the ruddy brilliance of ripe apples. + +There, too, not fastened to the wall like the little angels, but +detached from the porch, of more than human stature, erect upon her +pedestal as upon a footstool, which had been placed there to save her +feet from contact with the wet ground, stood a saint with the full +cheeks, the firm breasts which swelled out inside her draperies like +a cluster of ripe grapes inside a bag, the narrow forehead, short and +stubborn nose, deep-set eyes, and strong, thick-skinned, courageous +expression of the country-women of those parts. This similarity, which +imparted to the statue itself a kindliness that I had not looked to +find in it, was corroborated often by the arrival of some girl from +the fields, come, like ourselves, for shelter beneath the porch, whose +presence there--as when the leaves of a climbing plant have grown up +beside leaves carved in stone--seemed intended by fate to allow us, by +confronting it with its type in nature, to form a critical estimate +of the truth of the work of art. Before our eyes, in the distance, a +promised or an accursed land, Roussainville, within whose walls I had +never penetrated, Roussainville was now, when the rain had ceased for +us, still being chastised, like a village in the Old Testament, by +all the innumerable spears and arrows of the storm, which beat down +obliquely upon the dwellings of its inhabitants, or else had already +received the forgiveness of the Almighty, Who had restored to it the +light of His sun, which fell upon it in rays of uneven length, like the +rays of a monstrance upon an altar. + +Sometimes, when the weather had completely broken, we were obliged to go +home and to remain shut up indoors. Here and there, in the distance, in +a landscape which, what with the failing light and saturated atmosphere, +resembled a seascape rather, a few solitary houses clinging to the lower +slopes of a hill whose heights were buried in a cloudy darkness shone +out like little boats which had folded their sails and would ride at +anchor, all night, upon the sea. But what mattered rain or storm? +In summer, bad weather is no more than a passing fit of superficial +ill-temper expressed by the permanent, underlying fine weather; a very +different thing from the fluid and unstable 'fine weather' of winter, +its very opposite, in fact; for has it not (firmly established in the +soil, on which it has taken solid form in dense masses of foliage over +which the rain may pour in torrents without weakening the resistance +offered by their real and lasting happiness) hoisted, to keep them +flying throughout the season, in the village streets, on the walls of +the houses and in their gardens, its silken banners, violet and white. +Sitting in the little parlour, where I would pass the time until dinner +with a book, I might hear the water dripping from our chestnut-trees, +but I would know that the shower would only glaze and brighten the +greenness of their thick, crumpled leaves, and that they themselves +had undertaken to remain there, like pledges of summer, all through the +rainy night, to assure me of the fine weather's continuing; it might +rain as it pleased, but to-morrow, over the white fence of Tansonville, +there would surge and flow, numerous as ever, a sea of little +heart-shaped leaves; and without the least anxiety I could watch the +poplar in the Rue des Perchamps praying for mercy, bowing in desperation +before the storm; without the least anxiety I could hear, at the far end +of the garden, the last peals of thunder growling among our lilac-trees. + +If the weather was bad all morning, my family would abandon the idea of +a walk, and I would remain at home. But, later on, I formed the habit +of going out by myself on such days, and walking towards +Méséglise-la-Vineuse, during that autumn when we had to come to Combray +to settle the division of my aunt Léonie's estate; for she had died at +last, leaving both parties among her neighbours triumphant in the +fact of her demise--those who had insisted that her mode of life was +enfeebling and must ultimately kill her, and, equally, those who had +always maintained that she suffered from some disease not imaginary, +but organic, by the visible proof of which the most sceptical would +be obliged to own themselves convinced, once she had succumbed to it; +causing no intense grief to any save one of her survivors, but to that +one a grief savage in its violence. During the long fortnight of my +aunt's last illness Françoise never went out of her room for an instant, +never took off her clothes, allowed no one else to do anything for my +aunt, and did not leave her body until it was actually in its grave. +Then, at last, we understood that the sort of terror in which Françoise +had lived of my aunt's harsh words, her suspicions and her anger, had +developed in her a sentiment which we had mistaken for hatred, and which +was really veneration and love. Her true mistress, whose decisions it +had been impossible to foresee, from whose stratagems it had been +so hard to escape, of whose good nature it had been so easy to take +advantage, her sovereign, her mysterious and omnipotent monarch was no +more. Compared with such a mistress we counted for very little. The +time had long passed when, on our first coming to spend our holidays +at Combray, we had been of equal importance, in Françoise eyes, with my +aunt. + +During that autumn my parents, finding the days so fully occupied with +the legal formalities that had to be gone through, and discussions with +solicitors and farmers, that they had little time for walks which, as it +happened, the weather made precarious, began to let me go, without them, +along the 'Méséglise way,' wrapped up in a huge Highland plaid which +protected me from the rain, and which I was all the more ready to throw +over my shoulders because I felt that the stripes of its gaudy tartan +scandalised Françoise, whom it was impossible to convince that the +colour of one's clothes had nothing whatever to do with one's mourning +for the dead, and to whom the grief which we had shewn on my aunt's +death was wholly unsatisfactory, since we had not entertained the +neighbours to a great funeral banquet, and did not adopt a special tone +when we spoke of her, while I at times might be heard humming a tune. I +am sure that in a book--and to that extent my feelings were closely akin +to those of Françoise--such a conception of mourning, in the manner +of the _Chanson de Roland_ and of the porch of Saint-André-des-Champs, +would have seemed most attractive. But the moment that Françoise herself +approached, some evil spirit would urge me to attempt to make her angry, +and I would avail myself of the slightest pretext to say to her that I +regretted my aunt's death because she had been a good woman in spite of +her absurdities, but not in the least because she was my aunt; that +she might easily have been my aunt and yet have been so odious that her +death would not have caused me a moment's sorrow; statements which, in a +book, would have struck me as merely fatuous. + +And if Françoise then, inspired like a poet with a flood of confused +reflections upon bereavement, grief, and family memories, were to +plead her inability to rebut my theories, saying: "I don't know how to +_espress_ myself"--I would triumph over her with an ironical and brutal +common sense worthy of Dr. Percepied; and if she went on: "All the same +she was a _geological_ relation; there is always the respect due to your +_geology_," I would shrug my shoulders and say: "It is really very good +of me to discuss the matter with an illiterate old woman who cannot +speak her own language," adopting, to deliver judgment on Françoise, +the mean and narrow outlook of the pedant, whom those who are most +contemptuous of him in the impartiality of their own minds are only too +prone to copy when they are obliged to play a part upon the vulgar stage +of life. + +My walks, that autumn, were all the more delightful because I used +to take them after long hours spent over a book. When I was tired of +reading, after a whole morning in the house, I would throw my plaid +across my shoulders and set out; my body, which in a long spell of +enforced immobility had stored up an accumulation of vital energy, was +now obliged, like a spinning-top wound and let go, to spend this in +every direction. The walls of houses, the Tansonville hedge, the trees +of Roussainville wood, the bushes against which Montjouvain leaned its +back, all must bear the blows of my walking-stick or umbrella, must +hear my shouts of happiness, blows and shouts being indeed no more than +expressions of the confused ideas which exhilarated me, and which, not +being developed to the point at which they might rest exposed to the +light of day, rather than submit to a slow and difficult course +of elucidation, found it easier and more pleasant to drift into an +immediate outlet. And so it is that the bulk of what appear to be the +emotional renderings of our inmost sensations do no more than relieve us +of the burden of those sensations by allowing them to escape from us in +an indistinct form which does not teach us how it should be interpreted. +When I attempt to reckon up all that I owe to the 'Méséglise way,' all +the humble discoveries of which it was either the accidental setting or +the direct inspiration and cause, I am reminded that it was in that same +autumn, on one of those walks, near the bushy precipice which guarded +Montjouvain from the rear, that I was struck for the first time by +this lack of harmony between our impressions and their normal forms of +expression. After an hour of rain and wind, against which I had put up a +brisk fight, as I came to the edge of the Montjouvain pond, and reached +a little hut, roofed with tiles, in which M. Vinteuil's gardener kept +his tools, the sun shone out again, and its golden rays, washed clean +by the shower, blazed once more in the sky, on the trees, on the wall +of the hut, and on the still wet tiles of the roof, which had a chicken +perching upon its ridge. The wind pulled out sideways the wild grass +that grew in the wall, and the chicken's downy feathers, both of which +things let themselves float upon the wind's breath to their full extent, +with the unresisting submissiveness of light and lifeless matter. The +tiled roof cast upon the pond, whose reflections were now clear again +in the sunlight, a square of pink marble, the like of which I had never +observed before. And, seeing upon the water, where it reflected the +wall, a pallid smile responding to the smiling sky, I cried aloud in my +enthusiasm, brandishing my furled umbrella: "Damn, damn, damn, damn!" +But at the same time I felt that I was in duty bound not to content +myself with these unilluminating words, but to endeavour to see more +clearly into the sources of my enjoyment. + +And it was at that moment, too--thanks to a peasant who went past, +apparently in a bad enough humour already, but more so when he nearly +received my umbrella in his face, and who replied without any cordiality +to my "Fine day, what! good to be out walking!"--that I learned +that identical emotions do not spring up in the hearts of all men +simultaneously, by a pre-established order. Later on I discovered that, +whenever I had read for too long and was in a mood for conversation, the +friend to whom I would be burning to say something would at that moment +have finished indulging himself in the delights of conversation, and +wanted nothing now but to be left to read undisturbed. And if I had been +thinking with affection of my parents, and forming the most sensible and +proper plans for giving them pleasure, they would have been using +the same interval of time to discover some misdeed that I had already +forgotten, and would begin to scold me severely, just as I flung myself +upon them with a kiss. + +Sometimes to the exhilaration which I derived from being alone would be +added an alternative feeling, so that I could not be clear in my mind to +which I should give the casting vote; a feeling stimulated by the desire +to see rise up before my eyes a peasant-girl whom I might clasp in my +arms. Coming abruptly, and without giving me time to trace it accurately +to its source among so many ideas of a very different kind, the pleasure +which accompanied this desire seemed only a degree superior to what was +given me by my other thoughts. I found an additional merit in everything +that was in my mind at the moment, in the pink reflection of the tiled +roof, the wild grass in the wall, the village of Roussainville into +which I had long desired to penetrate, the trees of its wood and the +steeple of its church, created in them by this fresh emotion which made +them appear more desirable only because I thought it was they that +had provoked it, and which seemed only to wish to bear me more swiftly +towards them when it filled my sails with a potent, unknown, and +propitious breeze. But if this desire that a woman should appear added +for me something more exalting than the charms of nature, they in their +turn enlarged what I might, in the woman's charm, have found too much +restricted. It seemed to me that the beauty of the trees was hers +also, and that, as for the spirit of those horizons, of the village of +Roussainville, of the books which I was reading that year, it was her +kiss which would make me master of them all; and, my imagination drawing +strength from contact with my sensuality, my sensuality expanding +through all the realms of my imagination, my desire had no longer any +bounds. Moreover--just as in moments of musing contemplation of nature, +the normal actions of the mind being suspended, and our abstract ideas +of things set on one side, we believe with the profoundest faith in the +originality, in the individual existence of the place in which we may +happen to be--the passing figure which my desire evoked seemed to be +not any one example of the general type of 'woman,' but a necessary and +natural product of the soil. For at that time everything which was not +myself, the earth and the creatures upon it, seemed to me more precious, +more important, endowed with a more real existence than they appear +to full-grown men. And between the earth and its creatures I made +no distinction. I had a desire for a peasant-girl from Méséglise or +Roussainville, for a fisher-girl from Balbec, just as I had a desire for +Balbec and Méséglise. The pleasure which those girls were empowered to +give me would have seemed less genuine, I should have had no faith in +it any longer, if I had been at liberty to modify its conditions as I +chose. To meet in Paris a fisher-girl from Balbec or a peasant-girl from +Méséglise would have been like receiving the present of a shell which +I had never seen upon the beach, or of a fern which I had never found +among the woods, would have stripped from the pleasure which she was +about to give me all those other pleasures in the thick of which my +imagination had enwrapped her. But to wander thus among the woods of +Roussainville without a peasant-girl to embrace was to see those woods +and yet know nothing of their secret treasure, their deep-hidden beauty. +That girl whom I never saw save dappled with the shadows of their +leaves, was to me herself a plant of local growth, only taller than the +rest, and one whose structure would enable me to approach more closely +than in them to the intimate savour of the land from which she had +sprung. I could believe this all the more readily (and also that +the caresses by which she would bring that savour to my senses were +themselves of a particular kind, yielding a pleasure which I could +never derive from any but herself) since I was still, and must for long +remain, in that period of life when one has not yet separated the fact +of this sensual pleasure from the various women in whose company one has +tasted it, when one has not reduced it to a general idea which makes one +regard them thenceforward as the variable instruments of a pleasure that +is always the same. Indeed, that pleasure does not exist, isolated and +formulated in the consciousness, as the ultimate object with which one +seeks a woman's company, or as the cause of the uneasiness which, in +anticipation, one then feels. Hardly even does one think of oneself, +but only how to escape from oneself. Obscurely awaited, immanent and +concealed, it rouses to such a paroxysm, at the moment when at last it +makes itself felt, those other pleasures which we find in the tender +glance, in the kiss of her who is by our side, that it seems to us, more +than anything else, a sort of transport of gratitude for the kindness of +heart of our companion and for her touching predilection of ourselves, +which we measure by the benefits, by the happiness that she showers upon +us. + +Alas, it was in vain that I implored the dungeon-keep of Roussainville, +that I begged it to send out to meet me some daughter of its village, +appealing to it as to the sole confidant to whom I had disclosed my +earliest desire when, from the top floor of our house at Combray, from +the little room that smelt of orris-root, I had peered out and seen +nothing but its tower, framed in the square of the half-opened window, +while, with the heroic scruples of a traveller setting forth for +unknown climes, or of a desperate wretch hesitating on the verge of +self-destruction, faint with emotion, I explored, across the bounds of +my own experience, an untrodden path which, I believed, might lead me to +my death, even--until passion spent itself and left me shuddering among +the sprays of flowering currant which, creeping in through the window, +tumbled all about my body. In vain I called upon it now. In vain I +compressed the whole landscape into my field of vision, draining it with +an exhaustive gaze which sought to extract from it a female creature. I +might go alone as far as the porch of Saint-André-des-Champs: never did +I find there the girl whom I should inevitably have met, had I been with +my grandfather, and so unable to engage her in conversation. I would fix +my eyes, without limit of time, upon the trunk of a distant tree, from +behind which she must appear and spring towards me; my closest scrutiny +left the horizon barren as before; night was falling; without any hope +now would I concentrate my attention, as though to force up out of it +the creatures which it must conceal, upon that sterile soil, that stale +and outworn land; and it was no longer in lightness of heart, but with +sullen anger that I aimed blows at the trees of Roussainville wood, from +among which no more living creatures made their appearance than if they +had been trees painted on the stretched canvas background of a panorama, +when, unable to resign myself to having to return home without having +held in my arms the woman I so greatly desired, I was yet obliged to +retrace my steps towards Combray, and to admit to myself that the chance +of her appearing in my path grew smaller every moment. And if she had +appeared, would I have dared to speak to her? I felt that she would have +regarded me as mad, for I no longer thought of those desires which came +to me on my walks, but were never realized, as being shared by others, +or as having any existence apart from myself. They seemed nothing more +now than the purely subjective, impotent, illusory creatures of my +temperament. They were in no way connected now with nature, with the +world of real things, which from now onwards lost all its charm and +significance, and meant no more to my life than a purely conventional +framework, just as the action of a novel is framed in the railway +carriage, on a seat of which a traveller is reading it to pass the time. + +And it is perhaps from another impression which I received at +Montjouvain, some years later, an impression which at that time was +without meaning, that there arose, long afterwards, my idea of that +cruel side of human passion called 'sadism.' We shall see, in due +course, that for quite another reason the memory of this impression was +to play an important part in my life. It was during a spell of very hot +weather; my parents, who had been obliged to go away for the whole day, +had told me that I might stay out as late as I pleased; and having +gone as far as the Montjouvain pond, where I enjoyed seeing again the +reflection of the tiled roof of the hut, I had lain down in the shade +and gone to sleep among the bushes on the steep slope that rose up +behind the house, just where I had waited for my parents, years before, +one day when they had gone to call on M. Vinteuil. It was almost dark +when I awoke, and I wished to rise and go away, but I saw Mlle. Vinteuil +(or thought, at least, that I recognised her, for I had not seen her +often at Combray, and then only when she was still a child, whereas +she was now growing into a young woman), who probably had just come in, +standing in front of me, and only a few feet away from me, in that room +in which her father had entertained mine, and which she had now made +into a little sitting-room for herself. The window was partly open; the +lamp was lighted; I could watch her every movement without her being +able to see me; but, had I gone away, I must have made a rustling sound +among the bushes, she would have heard me, and might have thought that I +had been hiding there in order to spy upon her. + +She was in deep mourning, for her father had but lately died. We had +not gone to see her; my mother had not cared to go, on account of that +virtue which alone in her fixed any bounds to her benevolence--namely, +modesty; but she pitied the girl from the depths of her heart. My +mother had not forgotten the sad end of M. Vinteuil's life, his complete +absorption, first in having to play both mother and nursery-maid to his +daughter, and, later, in the suffering which she had caused him; she +could see the tortured expression which was never absent from the old +man's face in those terrible last years; she knew that he had definitely +abandoned the task of transcribing in fair copies the whole of his later +work, the poor little pieces, we imagined, of an old music-master, a +retired village organist, which, we assumed, were of little or no value +in themselves, though we did not despise them, because they were of such +great value to him and had been the chief motive of his life before he +sacrificed them to his daughter; pieces which, being mostly not even +written down, but recorded only in his memory, while the rest were +scribbled on loose sheets of paper, and quite illegible, must now remain +unknown for ever; my mother thought, also, of that other and still more +cruel renunciation to which M. Vinteuil had been driven, that of seeing +the girl happily settled, with an honest and respectable future; when +she called to mind all this utter and crushing misery that had come +upon my aunts' old music-master, she was moved to very real grief, and +shuddered to think of that other grief, so different in its bitterness, +which Mlle. Vinteuil must now be feeling, tinged with remorse at having +virtually killed her father. "Poor M. Vinteuil," my mother would say, +"he lived for his daughter, and now he has died for her, without getting +his reward. Will he get it now, I wonder, and in what form? It can only +come to him from her." + +At the far end of Mlle. Vinteuil's sitting-room, on the mantelpiece, +stood a small photograph of her father which she went briskly to fetch, +just as the sound of carriage wheels was heard from the road outside, +then flung herself down on a sofa and drew close beside her a little +table on which she placed the photograph, just as, long ago, M. Vinteuil +had 'placed' beside him the piece of music which he would have liked +to play over to my parents. And then her friend came in. Mlle. Vinteuil +greeted her without rising, clasping her hands behind her head, and +drew her body to one side of the sofa, as though to 'make room.' But no +sooner had she done this than she appeared to feel that she was perhaps +suggesting a particular position to her friend, with an emphasis which +might well be regarded as importunate. She thought that her friend would +prefer, no doubt, to sit down at some distance from her, upon a chair; +she felt that she had been indiscreet; her sensitive heart took fright; +stretching herself out again over the whole of the sofa, she closed her +eyes and began to yawn, so as to indicate that it was a desire to sleep, +and that alone, which had made her lie down there. Despite the rude +and hectoring familiarity with which she treated her companion I could +recognise in her the obsequious and reticent advances, the abrupt +scruples and restraints which had characterised her father. Presently +she rose and came to the window, where she pretended to be trying to +close the shutters and not succeeding. + +"Leave them open," said her friend. "I am hot." + +"But it's too dreadful! People will see us," Mlle. Vinteuil answered. +And then she guessed, probably, that her friend would think that she had +uttered these words simply in order to provoke a reply in certain other +words, which she seemed, indeed, to wish to hear spoken, but, from +prudence, would let her friend be the first to speak. And so, although +I could not see her face clearly enough, I am sure that the expression +must have appeared on it which my grandmother had once found so +delightful, when she hastily went on: "When I say 'see us' I mean, of +course, see us reading. It's so dreadful to think that in every trivial +little thing you do some one may be overlooking you." + +With the instinctive generosity of her nature, a courtesy beyond her +control, she refrained from uttering the studied words which, she had +felt, were indispensable for the full realisation of her desire. And +perpetually, in the depths of her being, a shy and suppliant maiden +would kneel before that other element, the old campaigner, battered but +triumphant, would intercede with him and oblige him to retire. + +"Oh, yes, it is so extremely likely that people are looking at us at +this time of night in this densely populated district!" said her friend, +with bitter irony. "And what if they are?" she went on, feeling bound +to annotate with a malicious yet affectionate wink these words which +she was repeating, out of good nature, like a lesson prepared beforehand +which, she knew, it would please Mlle. Vinteuil to hear. "And what if +they are? All the better that they should see us." + +Mlle. Vinteuil shuddered and rose to her feet. In her sensitive +and scrupulous heart she was ignorant what words ought to flow, +spontaneously, from her lips, so as to produce the scene for which her +eager senses clamoured. She reached out as far as she could across the +limitations of her true character to find the language appropriate to +a vicious young woman such as she longed to be thought, but the +words which, she imagined, such a young woman might have uttered with +sincerity sounded unreal in her own mouth. And what little she allowed +herself to say was said in a strained tone, in which her ingrained +timidity paralysed her tendency to freedom and audacity of speech; while +she kept on interrupting herself with: "You're sure you aren't cold? You +aren't too hot? You don't want to sit and read by yourself?... + +"Your ladyship's thoughts seem to be rather 'warm' this evening," she +concluded, doubtless repeating a phrase which she had heard used, on +some earlier occasion, by her friend. + +In the V-shaped opening of her crape bodice Mlle. Vinteuil felt the +sting of her friend's sudden kiss; she gave a little scream and +ran away; and then they began to chase one another about the room, +scrambling over the furniture, their wide sleeves fluttering like +wings, clucking and crowing like a pair of amorous fowls. At last Mlle. +Vinteuil fell down exhausted upon the sofa, where she was screened from +me by the stooping body of her friend. But the latter now had her back +turned to the little table on which the old music-master's portrait had +been arranged. Mlle. Vinteuil realised that her friend would not see +it unless her attention were drawn to it, and so exclaimed, as if she +herself had just noticed it for the first time: "Oh! there's my father's +picture looking at us; I can't think who can have put it there; I'm sure +I've told them twenty times, that is not the proper place for it." + +I remembered the words that M. Vinteuil had used to my parents in +apologising for an obtrusive sheet of music. This photograph was, of +course, in common use in their ritual observances, was subjected to +daily profanation, for the friend replied in words which were evidently +a liturgical response: "Let him stay there. He can't trouble us any +longer. D'you think he'd start whining, d'you think he'd pack you out +of the house if he could see you now, with the window open, the ugly old +monkey?" + +To which Mlle. Vinteuil replied, "Oh, please!"--a gentle reproach +which testified to the genuine goodness of her nature, not that it +was prompted by any resentment at hearing her father spoken of in this +fashion (for that was evidently a feeling which she had trained herself, +by a long course of sophistries, to keep in close subjection at such +moments), but rather because it was the bridle which, so as to avoid all +appearance of egotism, she herself used to curb the gratification which +her friend was attempting to procure for her. It may well have been, +too, that the smiling moderation with which she faced and answered these +blasphemies, that this tender and hypocritical rebuke appeared to her +frank and generous nature as a particularly shameful and seductive form +of that criminal attitude towards life which she was endeavouring to +adopt. But she could not resist the attraction of being treated with +affection by a woman who had just shewn herself so implacable towards +the defenceless dead; she sprang on to the knees of her friend and held +out a chaste brow to be kissed; precisely as a daughter would have done +to her mother, feeling with exquisite joy that they would thus, between +them, inflict the last turn of the screw of cruelty, in robbing M. +Vinteuil, as though they were actually rifling his tomb, of the sacred +rights of fatherhood. Her friend took the girl's head in her hands and +placed a kiss on her brow with a docility prompted by the real affection +she had for Mlle. Vinteuil, as well as by the desire to bring what +distraction she could into the dull and melancholy life of an orphan. + +"Do you know what I should like to do to that old horror?" she said, +taking up the photograph. She murmured in Mlle. Vinteuil's ear something +that I could not distinguish. + +"Oh! You would never dare." + +"Not dare to spit on it? On that?" shouted the friend with deliberate +brutality. + +I heard no more, for Mlle. Vinteuil, who now seemed weary, awkward, +preoccupied, sincere, and rather sad, came back to the window and drew +the shutters close; but I knew now what was the reward that M. Vinteuil, +in return for all the suffering that he had endured in his lifetime, on +account of his daughter, had received from her after his death. + +And yet I have since reflected that if M. Vinteuil had been able to be +present at this scene, he might still, and in spite of everything, have +continued to believe in his daughter's soundness of heart, and that he +might even, in so doing, have been not altogether wrong. It was true +that in all Mlle. Vinteuil's actions the appearance of evil was so +strong and so consistent that it would have been hard to find it +exhibited in such completeness save in what is nowadays called a +'sadist'; it is behind the footlights of a Paris theatre, and not under +the homely lamp of an actual country house, that one expects to see a +girl leading her friend on to spit upon the portrait of a father who has +lived and died for nothing and no one but herself; and when we find in +real life a desire for melodramatic effect, it is generally the 'sadic' +instinct that is responsible for it. It is possible that, without being +in the least inclined towards 'sadism,' a girl might have shewn the +same outrageous cruelty as Mlle. Vinteuil in desecrating the memory and +defying the wishes of her dead father, but she would not have given them +deliberate expression in an act so crude in its symbolism, so lacking +in subtlety; the criminal element in her behaviour would have been less +evident to other people, and even to herself, since she would not have +admitted to herself that she was doing wrong. But, appearances apart, in +Mlle. Vinteuil's soul, at least in the earlier stages, the evil element +was probably not unmixed. A 'sadist' of her kind is an artist in evil, +which a wholly wicked person could not be, for in that case the evil +would not have been external, it would have seemed quite natural to her, +and would not even have been distinguishable from herself; and as for +virtue, respect for the dead, filial obedience, since she would never +have practised the cult of these things, she would take no impious +delight in their profanation. 'Sadists' of Mlle. Vinteuil's sort are +creatures so purely sentimental, so virtuous by nature, that even +sensual pleasure appears to them as something bad, a privilege reserved +for the wicked. And when they allow themselves for a moment to enjoy it +they endeavour to impersonate, to assume all the outward appearance of +wicked people, for themselves and their partners in guilt, so as to gain +the momentary illusion of having escaped beyond the control of their own +gentle and scrupulous natures into the inhuman world of pleasure. And +I could understand how she must have longed for such an escape when I +realised that it was impossible for her to effect it. At the moment when +she wished to be thought the very antithesis of her father, what she at +once suggested to me were the mannerisms, in thought and speech, of +the poor old music-master. Indeed, his photograph was nothing; what she +really desecrated, what she corrupted into ministering to her pleasures, +but what remained between them and her and prevented her from any +direct enjoyment of them, was the likeness between her face and his, his +mother's blue eyes which he had handed down to her, like some trinket to +be kept in the family, those little friendly movements and inclinations +which set up between the viciousness of Mlle. Vinteuil and herself a +phraseology, a mentality not designed for vice, which made her regard it +as not in any way different from the numberless little social duties and +courtesies to which she must devote herself every day. It was not evil +that gave her the idea of pleasure, that seemed to her attractive; it +was pleasure, rather, that seemed evil. And as, every time that she +indulged in it, pleasure came to her attended by evil thoughts such as, +ordinarily, had no place in her virtuous mind, she came at length to +see in pleasure itself something diabolical, to identify it with Evil. +Perhaps Mlle. Vinteuil felt that at heart her friend was not altogether +bad, not really sincere when she gave vent to those blasphemous +utterances. At any rate, she had the pleasure of receiving those kisses +on her brow, those smiles, those glances; all feigned, perhaps, but akin +in their base and vicious mode of expression to those which would have +been discernible on the face of a creature formed not out of kindness +and long-suffering, but out of self-indulgence and cruelty. She was +able to delude herself for a moment into believing that she was indeed +amusing herself in the way in which, with so unnatural an accomplice, a +girl might amuse herself who really did experience that savage antipathy +towards her father's memory. Perhaps she would not have thought of +wickedness as a state so rare, so abnormal, so exotic, one which it was +so refreshing to visit, had she been able to distinguish in herself, +as in all her fellow-men and women, that indifference to the sufferings +which they cause which, whatever names else be given it, is the one +true, terrible and lasting form of cruelty. + +If the 'Méséglise way' was so easy, it was a very different matter when +we took the 'Guermantes way,' for that meant a long walk, and we must +make sure, first, of the weather. When we seemed to have entered upon a +spell of fine days, when Françoise, in desperation that not a drop was +falling upon the 'poor crops,' gazing up at the sky and seeing there +only a little white cloud floating here and there upon its calm, azure +surface, groaned aloud and exclaimed: "You would say they were nothing +more nor less than a lot of dogfish swimming about and sticking up their +snouts! Ah, they never think of making it rain a little for the poor +labourers! And then when the corn is all ripe, down it will come, +rattling all over the place, and think no more of where it is falling +than if it was on the sea!"--when my father's appeals to the gardener +had met with the same encouraging answer several times in succession, +then some one would say, at dinner: "To-morrow, if the weather holds, +we might go the Guermantes way." And off we would set, immediately after +luncheon, through the little garden gate which dropped us into the Rue +des Perchamps, narrow and bent at a sharp angle, dotted with grass-plots +over which two or three wasps would spend the day botanising, a street +as quaint as its name, from which its odd characteristics and its +personality were, I felt, derived; a street for which one might search +in vain through the Combray of to-day, for the public school now rises +upon its site. But in my dreams of Combray (like those architects, +pupils of Viollet-le-Duc, who, fancying that they can detect, beneath +a Renaissance rood-loft and an eighteenth-century altar, traces of a +Norman choir, restore the whole church to the state in which it probably +was in the twelfth century) I leave not a stone of the modern edifice +standing, I pierce through it and 'restore' the Rue des Perchamps. And +for such reconstruction memory furnishes me with more detailed guidance +than is generally at the disposal of restorers; the pictures which it +has preserved--perhaps the last surviving in the world to-day, and soon +to follow the rest into oblivion--of what Combray looked like in my +childhood's days; pictures which, simply because it was the old Combray +that traced their outlines upon my mind before it vanished, are as +moving--if I may compare a humble landscape with those glorious works, +reproductions of which my grandmother was so fond of bestowing on me--as +those old engravings of the 'Cenacolo,' or that painting by Gentile +Bellini, in which one sees, in a state in which they no longer exist, +the masterpiece of Leonardo and the portico of Saint Mark's. + +We would pass, in the Rue de l'Oiseau, before the old hostelry of the +Oiseau Flesché, into whose great courtyard, once upon a time, would +rumble the coaches of the Duchesses de Montpensier, de Guermantes, +and de Montmorency, when they had to come down to Combray for some +litigation with their farmers, or to receive homage from them. We would +come at length to the Mall, among whose treetops I could distinguish the +steeple of Saint-Hilaire. And I should have liked to be able to sit down +and spend the whole day there, reading and listening to the bells, for +it was so charming there and so quiet that, when an hour struck, you +would have said not that it broke in upon the calm of the day, but that +it relieved the day of its superfluity, and that the steeple, with the +indolent, painstaking exactitude of a person who has nothing else to do, +had simply, in order to squeeze out and let fall the few golden drops +which had slowly and naturally accumulated in the hot sunlight, pressed, +at a given moment, the distended surface of the silence. + +The great charm of the 'Guermantes' way was that we had beside us, +almost all the time, the course of the Vivonne. We crossed it first, ten +minutes after leaving the house, by a foot-bridge called the Pont-Vieux. +And every year, when we arrived at Combray, on Easter morning, after the +sermon, if the weather was fine, I would run there to see (amid all the +disorder that prevails on the morning of a great festival, the gorgeous +preparations for which make the everyday household utensils that they +have not contrived to banish seem more sordid than ever) the river +flowing past, sky-blue already between banks still black and bare, its +only companions a clump of daffodils, come out before their time, a few +primroses, the first in flower, while here and there burned the blue +flame of a violet, its stem bent beneath the weight of the drop of +perfume stored in its tiny horn. The Pont-Vieux led to a tow-path which, +at this point, would be overhung in summer by the bluish foliage of a +hazel, under which a fisherman in a straw hat seemed to have taken +root. At Combray, where I knew everyone, and could always detect the +blacksmith or grocer's boy through his disguise of a beadle's uniform +or chorister's surplice, this fisherman was the only person whom I was +never able to identify. He must have known my family, for he used to +raise his hat when we passed; and then I would always be just on the +point of asking his name, when some one would make a sign to me to be +quiet, or I would frighten the fish. We would follow the tow-path which +ran along the top of a steep bank, several feet above the stream. The +ground on the other side was lower, and stretched in a series of broad +meadows as far as the village and even to the distant railway-station. +Over these were strewn the remains, half-buried in the long grass, of +the castle of the old Counts of Combray, who, during the Middle Ages, +had had on this side the course of the Vivonne as a barrier and defence +against attack from the Lords of Guermantes and Abbots of Martinville. +Nothing was left now but a few stumps of towers, hummocks upon the broad +surface of the fields, hardly visible, broken battlements over which, in +their day, the bowmen had hurled down stones, the watchmen had gazed out +over Novepont, Clairefontaine, Martinville-le-Sec, Bailleau-l'Exempt, +fiefs all of them of Guermantes, a ring in which Combray was locked; +but fallen among the grass now, levelled with the ground, climbed and +commanded by boys from the Christian Brothers' school, who came there +in their playtime, or with lesson-books to be conned; emblems of a past +that had sunk down and well-nigh vanished under the earth, that lay by +the water's edge now, like an idler taking the air, yet giving me strong +food for thought, making the name of Combray connote to me not the +little town of to-day only, but an historic city vastly different, +seizing and holding my imagination by the remote, incomprehensible +features which it half-concealed beneath a spangled veil of buttercups. +For the buttercups grew past numbering on this spot which they had +chosen for their games among the grass, standing singly, in couples, in +whole companies, yellow as the yolk of eggs, and glowing with an added +lustre, I felt, because, being powerless to consummate with my palate +the pleasure which the sight of them never failed to give me, I would +let it accumulate as my eyes ranged over their gilded expanse, until +it had acquired the strength to create in my mind a fresh example of +absolute, unproductive beauty; and so it had been from my earliest +childhood, when from the tow-path I had stretched out my arms towards +them, before even I could pronounce their charming name--a name fit for +the Prince in some French fairy-tale; colonists, perhaps, in some far +distant century from Asia, but naturalised now for ever in the village, +well satisfied with their modest horizon, rejoicing in the sunshine +and the water's edge, faithful to their little glimpse of the +railway-station; yet keeping, none the less, as do some of our old +paintings, in their plebeian simplicity, a poetic scintillation from the +golden East. + +I would amuse myself by watching the glass jars which the boys used +to lower into the Vivonne, to catch minnows, and which, filled by the +current of the stream, in which they themselves also were enclosed, at +once 'containers' whose transparent sides were like solidified water +and 'contents' plunged into a still larger container of liquid, +flowing crystal, suggested an image of coolness more delicious and more +provoking than the same water in the same jars would have done, standing +upon a table laid for dinner, by shewing it as perpetually in flight +between the impalpable water, in which my hands could not arrest it, and +the insoluble glass, in which my palate could not enjoy it. I decided +that I would come there again with a line and catch fish; I begged for +and obtained a morsel of bread from our luncheon basket; and threw into +the Vivonne pellets which had the power, it seemed, to bring about a +chemical precipitation, for the water at once grew solid round about +them in oval clusters of emaciated tadpoles, which until then it had, no +doubt, been holding in solution, invisible, but ready and alert to enter +the stage of crystallisation. + +Presently the course of the Vivonne became choked with water-plants. +At first they appeared singly, a lily, for instance, which the current, +across whose path it had unfortunately grown, would never leave at rest +for a moment, so that, like a ferry-boat mechanically propelled, it +would drift over to one bank only to return to the other, eternally +repeating its double journey. Thrust towards the bank, its stalk would +be straightened out, lengthened, strained almost to breaking-point until +the current again caught it, its green moorings swung back over their +anchorage and brought the unhappy plant to what might fitly be called +its starting-point, since it was fated not to rest there a moment before +moving off once again. I would still find it there, on one walk after +another, always in the same helpless state, suggesting certain victims +of neurasthenia, among whom my grandfather would have included my aunt +Léonie, who present without modification, year after year, the spectacle +of their odd and unaccountable habits, which they always imagine +themselves to be on the point of shaking off, but which they always +retain to the end; caught in the treadmill of their own maladies and +eccentricities, their futile endeavours to escape serve only to actuate +its mechanism, to keep in motion the clockwork of their strange, +ineluctable, fatal daily round. Such as these was the water-lily, +and also like one of those wretches whose peculiar torments, repeated +indefinitely throughout eternity, aroused the curiosity of Dante, who +would have inquired of them at greater length and in fuller detail from +the victims themselves, had not Virgil, striding on ahead, obliged him +to hasten after him at full speed, as I must hasten after my parents. + +But farther on the current slackened, where the stream ran through a +property thrown open to the public by its owner, who had made a hobby of +aquatic gardening, so that the little ponds into which the Vivonne was +here diverted were aflower with water-lilies. As the banks at this +point were thickly wooded, the heavy shade of the trees gave the water a +background which was ordinarily dark green, although sometimes, when we +were coming home on a calm evening after a stormy afternoon, I have seen +in its depths a clear, crude blue that was almost violet, suggesting a +floor of Japanese cloisonné. Here and there, on the surface, floated, +blushing like a strawberry, the scarlet heart of a lily set in a ring of +white petals. + +Beyond these the flowers were more frequent, but paler, less glossy, +more thickly seeded, more tightly folded, and disposed, by accident, in +festoons so graceful that I would fancy I saw floating upon the stream, +as though after the dreary stripping of the decorations used in some +Watteau festival, moss-roses in loosened garlands. Elsewhere a corner +seemed to be reserved for the commoner kinds of lily; of a neat pink or +white like rocket-flowers, washed clean like porcelain, with housewifely +care; while, a little farther again, were others, pressed close together +in a floating garden-bed, as though pansies had flown out of a garden +like butterflies and were hovering with blue and burnished wings over +the transparent shadowiness of this watery border; this skiey border +also, for it set beneath the flowers a soil of a colour more precious, +more moving than their own; and both in the afternoon, when it sparkled +beneath the lilies in the kaleidoscope of a happiness silent, restless, +and alert, and towards evening, when it was filled like a distant heaven +with the roseate dreams of the setting sun, incessantly changing and +ever remaining in harmony, about the more permanent colour of the +flowers themselves, with the utmost profundity, evanescence, and +mystery--with a quiet suggestion of infinity; afternoon or evening, it +seemed to have set them flowering in the heart of the sky. + +After leaving this park the Vivonne began to flow again more swiftly. +How often have I watched, and longed to imitate, when I should be free +to live as I chose, a rower who had shipped his oars and lay stretched +out on his back, his head down, in the bottom of his boat, letting it +drift with the current, seeing nothing but the sky which slipped quietly +above him, shewing upon his features a foretaste of happiness and peace. + +We would sit down among the irises at the water's edge. In the holiday +sky a lazy cloud streamed out to its full length. Now and then, crushed +by the burden of idleness, a carp would heave up out of the water, with +an anxious gasp. It was time for us to feed. Before starting homewards +we would sit for a long time there, eating fruit and bread and +chocolate, on the grass, over which came to our ears, horizontal, faint, +but solid still and metallic, the sound of the bells of Saint-Hilaire, +which had melted not at all in the atmosphere it was so well accustomed +to traverse, but, broken piecemeal by the successive palpitation of all +their sonorous strokes, throbbed as it brushed the flowers at our feet. + +Sometimes, at the water's edge and embedded in trees, we would come upon +a house of the kind called 'pleasure houses,' isolated and lost, seeing +nothing of the world, save the river which bathed its feet. A young +woman, whose pensive face and fashionable veils did not suggest a local +origin, and who had doubtless come there, in the popular phrase, 'to +bury herself,' to taste the bitter sweetness of feeling that her name, +and still more the name of him whose heart she had once held, but had +been unable to keep, were unknown there, stood framed in a window from +which she had no outlook beyond the boat that was moored beside her +door. She raised her eyes with an air of distraction when she heard, +through the trees that lined the bank, the voices of passers-by of whom, +before they came in sight, she might be certain that never had they +known, nor would they know, the faithless lover, that nothing in their +past lives bore his imprint, which nothing in their future would have +occasion to receive. One felt that in her renunciation of life she had +willingly abandoned those places in which she would at least have been +able to see him whom she loved, for others where he had never trod. And +I watched her, as she returned from some walk along a road where she had +known that he would not appear, drawing from her submissive fingers long +gloves of a precious, useless charm. + +Never, in the course of our walks along the 'Guermantes way,' might +we penetrate as far as the source of the Vivonne, of which I had often +thought, which had in my mind so abstract, so ideal an existence, that I +had been as much surprised when some one told me that it was actually +to be found in the same department, and at a given number of miles from +Combray, as I had been on the day when I had learned that there was +another fixed point somewhere on the earth's surface, where, according +to the ancients, opened the jaws of Hell. Nor could we ever reach that +other goal, to which I longed so much to attain, Guermantes itself. I +knew that it was the residence of its proprietors, the Duc and Duchesse +de Guermantes, I knew that they were real personages who did actually +exist, but whenever I thought about them I pictured them to myself +either in tapestry, as was the 'Coronation of Esther' which hung in our +church, or else in changing, rainbow colours, as was Gilbert the Bad in +his window, where he passed from cabbage green, when I was dipping my +fingers in the holy water stoup, to plum blue when I had reached our row +of chairs, or again altogether impalpable, like the image of Geneviève +de Brabant, ancestress of the Guermantes family, which the magic lantern +sent wandering over the curtains of my room or flung aloft upon the +ceiling--in short, always wrapped in the mystery of the Merovingian age, +and bathed, as in a sunset, in the orange light which glowed from the +resounding syllable 'antes.' And if, in spite of that, they were for +me, in their capacity as a duke and a duchess, real people, though of +an unfamiliar kind, this ducal personality was in its turn enormously +distended, immaterialised, so as to encircle and contain that Guermantes +of which they were duke and duchess, all that sunlit 'Guermantes way' +of our walks, the course of the Vivonne, its water-lilies and its +overshadowing trees, and an endless series of hot summer afternoons. +And I knew that they bore not only the titles of Duc and Duchesse de +Guermantes, but that since the fourteenth century, when, after vain +attempts to conquer its earlier lords in battle, they had allied +themselves by marriage, and so became Counts of Combray, the first +citizens, consequently, of the place, and yet the only ones among +its citizens who did not reside in it--Comtes de Combray, possessing +Combray, threading it on their string of names and titles, absorbing it +in their personalities, and illustrating, no doubt, in themselves that +strange and pious melancholy which was peculiar to Combray; proprietors +of the town, though not of any particular house there; dwelling, +presumably, out of doors, in the street, between heaven and earth, like +that Gilbert de Guermantes, of whom I could see, in the stained glass of +the apse of Saint-Hilaire, only the 'other side' in dull black lacquer, +if I raised my eyes to look for him, when I was going to Camus's for a +packet of salt. + +And then it happened that, going the 'Guermantes way,' I passed +occasionally by a row of well-watered little gardens, over whose hedges +rose clusters of dark blossom. I would stop before them, hoping to gain +some precious addition to my experience, for I seemed to have before my +eyes a fragment of that riverside country which I had longed so much +to see and know since coming upon a description of it by one of my +favourite authors. And it was with that story-book land, with its +imagined soil intersected by a hundred bubbling watercourses, that +Guermantes, changing its form in my mind, became identified, after I +heard Dr. Percepied speak of the flowers and the charming rivulets and +fountains that were to be seen there in the ducal park. I used to dream +that Mme. de Guermantes, taking a sudden capricious fancy for myself, +invited me there, that all day long she stood fishing for trout by my +side. And when evening came, holding my hand in her own, as we passed by +the little gardens of her vassals, she would point out to me the flowers +that leaned their red and purple spikes along the tops of the low walls, +and would teach me all their names. She would make me tell her, too, all +about the poems that I meant to compose. And these dreams reminded me +that, since I wished, some day, to become a writer, it was high time to +decide what sort of books I was going to write. But as soon as I asked +myself the question, and tried to discover some subjects to which I +could impart a philosophical significance of infinite value, my mind +would stop like a clock, I would see before me vacuity, nothing, would +feel either that I was wholly devoid of talent, or that, perhaps, a +malady of the brain was hindering its development. Sometimes I would +depend upon my father's arranging everything for me. He was so powerful, +in such favour with the people who 'really counted,' that he made it +possible for us to transgress laws which Françoise had taught me to +regard as more ineluctable than the laws of life and death, as when we +were allowed to postpone for a year the compulsory repainting of the +walls of our house, alone among all the houses in that part of Paris, +or when he obtained permission from the Minister for Mme. Sazerat's +son, who had been ordered to some watering-place, to take his degree two +months before the proper time, among the candidates whose surnames began +with 'A,' instead of having to wait his turn as an 'S.' If I had fallen +seriously ill, if I had been captured by brigands, convinced that my +father's understanding with the supreme powers was too complete, that +his letters of introduction to the Almighty were too irresistible for my +illness or captivity to turn out anything but vain illusions, in which +there was no danger actually threatening me, I should have awaited +with perfect composure the inevitable hour of my return to comfortable +realities, of my deliverance from bondage or restoration to health. +Perhaps this want of talent, this black cavity which gaped in my mind +when I ransacked it for the theme of my future writings, was itself no +more, either, than an unsubstantial illusion, and would be brought to +an end by the intervention of my father, who would arrange with the +Government and with Providence that I should be the first writer of +my day. But at other times, while my parents were growing impatient +at seeing me loiter behind instead of following them, my actual life, +instead of seeming an artificial creation by my father, and one which he +could modify as he chose, appeared, on the contrary, to be comprised in +a larger reality which had not been created for my benefit, from whose +judgments there was no appeal, in the heart of which I was bound, +helpless, without friend or ally, and beyond which no further +possibilities lay concealed. It was evident to me then that I existed in +the same manner as all other men, that I must grow old, that I must die +like them, and that among them I was to be distinguished merely as one +of those who have no aptitude for writing. And so, utterly despondent, I +renounced literature for ever, despite the encouragements that had been +given me by Bloch. This intimate, spontaneous feeling, this sense of the +nullity of my intellect, prevailed against all the flattering speeches +that might be lavished upon me, as a wicked man, when everyone is loud +in the praise of his good deeds, is gnawed by the secret remorse of +conscience. + +One day my mother said: "You are always talking about Mme. de +Guermantes. Well, Dr. Percepied did a great deal for her when she was +ill, four years ago, and so she is coming to Combray for his daughter's +wedding. You will be able to see her in church." It was from Dr. +Percepied, as it happened, that I had heard most about Mme. de +Guermantes, and he had even shewn us the number of an illustrated paper +in which she was depicted in the costume which she had worn at a fancy +dress ball given by the Princesse de Léon. + +Suddenly, during the nuptial mass, the beadle, by moving to one side, +enabled me to see, sitting in a chapel, a lady with fair hair and a +large nose, piercing blue eyes, a billowy scarf of mauve silk, glossy +and new and brilliant, and a little spot at the corner of her nose. And +because on the surface of her face, which was red, as though she had +been very warm, I could make out, diluted and barely perceptible, +details which resembled the portrait that had been shewn to me; because, +more especially, the particular features which I remarked in this lady, +if I attempted to catalogue them, formulated themselves in precisely the +same terms:--_a large nose, blue eyes_, as Dr. Percepied had used when +describing in my presence the Duchesse de Guermantes, I said to myself: +"This lady is like the Duchesse de Guermantes." Now the chapel from +which she was following the service was that of Gilbert the Bad; beneath +its flat tombstones, yellowed and bulging like cells of honey in a comb, +rested the bones of the old Counts of Brabant; and I remembered having +heard it said that this chapel was reserved for the Guermantes family, +whenever any of its members came to attend a ceremony at Combray; there +was, indeed, but one woman resembling the portrait of Mme. de Guermantes +who on that day, the very day on which she was expected to come there, +could be sitting in that chapel: it was she! My disappointment was +immense. It arose from my not having borne in mind, when I thought of +Mme. de Guermantes, that I was picturing her to myself in the colours of +a tapestry or a painted window, as living in another century, as being +of another substance than the rest of the human race. Never had I taken +into account that she might have a red face, a mauve scarf like Mme. +Sazerat; and the oval curve of her cheeks reminded me so strongly of +people whom I had seen at home that the suspicion brushed against my +mind (though it was immediately banished) that this lady in her creative +principle, in the molecules of her physical composition, was perhaps +not substantially the Duchesse de Guermantes, but that her body, in +ignorance of the name that people had given it, belonged to a certain +type of femininity which included, also, the wives of doctors and +tradesmen. "It is, it must be Mme. de Guermantes, and no one else!" were +the words underlying the attentive and astonished expression with +which I was gazing upon this image, which, naturally enough, bore no +resemblance to those that had so often, under the same title of 'Mme. de +Guermantes,' appeared to me in dreams, since this one had not been, like +the others, formed arbitrarily by myself, but had sprung into sight for +the first time, only a moment ago, here in church; an image which was +not of the same nature, was not colourable at will, like those others +that allowed themselves to imbibe the orange tint of a sonorous +syllable, but which was so real that everything, even to the fiery +little spot at the corner of her nose, gave an assurance of her +subjection to the laws of life, as in a transformation scene on the +stage a crease in the dress of a fairy, a quivering of her tiny finger, +indicate the material presence of a living actress before our eyes, +whereas we were uncertain, till then, whether we were not looking merely +at a projection of limelight from a lantern. + +Meanwhile I was endeavouring to apply to this image, which the prominent +nose, the piercing eyes pinned down and fixed in my field of vision +(perhaps because it was they that had first struck it, that had made the +first impression on its surface, before I had had time to wonder +whether the woman who thus appeared before me might possibly be Mme. de +Guermantes), to this fresh and unchanging image the idea: "It is Mme. de +Guermantes"; but I succeeded only in making the idea pass between me and +the image, as though they were two discs moving in separate planes, +with a space between. But this Mme. de Guermantes of whom I had so often +dreamed, now that I could see that she had a real existence independent +of myself, acquired a fresh increase of power over my imagination, +which, paralysed for a moment by contact with a reality so different +from anything that it had expected, began to react and to say within me: +"Great and glorious before the days of Charlemagne, the Guermantes +had the right of life and death over their vassals; the Duchesse de +Guermantes descends from Geneviève de Brabant. She does not know, nor +would she consent to know, any of the people who are here to-day." + +And then--oh, marvellous independence of the human gaze, tied to the +human face by a cord so loose, so long, so elastic that it can stray, +alone, as far as it may choose--while Mme. de Guermantes sat in the +chapel above the tombs of her dead ancestors, her gaze lingered here +and wandered there, rose to the capitals of the pillars, and even rested +upon myself, like a ray of sunlight straying down the nave, but a ray +of sunlight which, at the moment when I received its caress, appeared +conscious of where it fell. As for Mme. de Guermantes herself, since +she remained there motionless, sitting like a mother who affects not to +notice the rude or awkward conduct of her children who, in the course +of their play, are speaking to people whom she does not know, it was +impossible for me to determine whether she approved or condemned the +vagrancy of her eyes in the careless detachment of her heart. + +I felt it to be important that she should not leave the church before +I had been able to look long enough upon her, reminding myself that for +years past I had regarded the sight of her as a thing eminently to be +desired, and I kept my eyes fixed on her, as though by gazing at her +I should be able to carry away and incorporate, to store up, for later +reference, in myself the memory of that prominent nose, those red +cheeks, of all those details which struck me as so much precious, +authentic, unparalleled information with regard to her face. And now +that, whenever I brought my mind to bear upon that face--and +especially, perhaps, in my determination, that form of the instinct +of self-preservation with which we guard everything that is best in +ourselves, not to admit that I had been in any way deceived--I found +only beauty there; setting her once again (since they were one and the +same person, this lady who sat before me and that Duchesse de Guermantes +whom, until then, I had been used to conjure into an imagined shape) +apart from and above that common run of humanity with which the sight, +pure and simple, of her in the flesh had made me for a moment confound +her, I grew indignant when I heard people saying, in the congregation +round me: "She is better looking than Mme. Sazerat" or "than Mlle. +Vinteuil," as though she had been in any way comparable with them. And +my gaze resting upon her fair hair, her blue eyes, the lines of her +neck, and overlooking the features which might have reminded me of +the faces of other women, I cried out within myself, as I admired this +deliberately unfinished sketch: "How lovely she is! What true nobility! +it is indeed a proud Guermantes, the descendant of Geneviève de Brabant, +that I have before me!" And the care which I took to focus all my +attention upon her face succeeded in isolating it so completely that +to-day, when I call that marriage ceremony to mind, I find it impossible +to visualise any single person who was present except her, and the +beadle who answered me in the affirmative when I inquired whether the +lady was, indeed, Mme. de Guermantes. But her, I can see her still quite +clearly, especially at the moment when the procession filed into the +sacristy, lighted by the intermittent, hot sunshine of a windy and rainy +day, where Mme. de Guermantes found herself in the midst of all +those Combray people whose names, even, she did not know, but whose +inferiority proclaimed her own supremacy so loud that she must, in +return, feel for them a genuine, pitying sympathy, and whom she might +count on impressing even more forcibly by virtue of her simplicity and +natural charm. And then, too, since she could not bring into play the +deliberate glances, charged with a definite meaning, which one directs, +in a crowd, towards people whom one knows, but must allow her vague +thoughts to escape continually from her eyes in a flood of blue light +which she was powerless to control, she was anxious not to distress in +any way, not to seem to be despising those humbler mortals over whom +that current flowed, by whom it was everywhere arrested. I can see +again to-day, above her mauve scarf, silky and buoyant, the gentle +astonishment in her eyes, to which she had added, without daring to +address it to anyone in particular, but so that everyone might enjoy his +share of it, the almost timid smile of a sovereign lady who seems to +be making an apology for her presence among the vassals whom she loves. +This smile rested upon myself, who had never ceased to follow her with +my eyes. And I, remembering the glance which she had let fall upon me +during the service, blue as a ray of sunlight that had penetrated the +window of Gilbert the Bad, said to myself, "Of course, she is thinking +about me." I fancied that I had found favour in her sight, that she +would continue to think of me after she had left the church, and would, +perhaps, grow pensive again, that evening, at Guermantes, on my account. +And at once I fell in love with her, for if it is sometimes enough to +make us love a woman that she looks on us with contempt, as I supposed +Mlle. Swann to have done, while we imagine that she cannot ever be ours, +it is enough, also, sometimes that she looks on us kindly, as Mme. de +Guermantes did then, while we think of her as almost ours already. Her +eyes waxed blue as a periwinkle flower, wholly beyond my reach, yet +dedicated by her to me; and the sun, bursting out again from behind +a threatening cloud and darting the full force of its rays on to the +Square and into the sacristy, shed a geranium glow over the red carpet +laid down for the wedding, along which Mme. de Guermantes smilingly +advanced, and covered its woollen texture with a nap of rosy velvet, a +bloom of light, giving it that sort of tenderness, of solemn sweetness +in the pomp of a joyful celebration, which characterises certain pages +of _Lohengrin_, certain paintings by Carpaccio, and makes us understand +how Baudelaire was able to apply to the sound of the trumpet the epithet +'delicious.' + +How often, after that day, in the course of my walks along the +'Guermantes way,' and with what an intensified melancholy did I reflect +on my lack of qualification for a literary career, and that I must +abandon all hope of ever becoming a famous author. The regret that I +felt for this, while I lingered alone to dream for a little by myself, +made me suffer so acutely that, in order not to feel it, my mind of +its own accord, by a sort of inhibition in the instant of pain, ceased +entirely to think of verse-making, of fiction, of the poetic future on +which my want of talent precluded me from counting. Then, quite apart +from all those literary preoccupations, and without definite attachment +to anything, suddenly a roof, a gleam of sunlight reflected from a +stone, the smell of a road would make me stop still, to enjoy the +special pleasure that each of them gave me, and also because they +appeared to be concealing, beneath what my eyes could see, something +which they invited me to approach and seize from them, but which, +despite all my efforts, I never managed to discover. As I felt that the +mysterious object was to be found in them, I would stand there in front +of them, motionless, gazing, breathing, endeavouring to penetrate with +my mind beyond the thing seen or smelt. And if I had then to hasten +after my grandfather, to proceed on my way, I would still seek to +recover my sense of them by closing my eyes; I would concentrate upon +recalling exactly the line of the roof, the colour of the stone, which, +without my being able to understand why, had seemed to me to be teeming, +ready to open, to yield up to me the secret treasure of which they were +themselves no more than the outer coverings. It was certainly not any +impression of this kind that could or would restore the hope I had lost +of succeeding one day in becoming an author and poet, for each of them +was associated with some material object devoid of any intellectual +value, and suggesting no abstract truth. But at least they gave me an +unreasoning pleasure, the illusion of a sort of fecundity of mind; and +in that way distracted me from the tedium, from the sense of my own +impotence which I had felt whenever I had sought a philosophic theme +for some great literary work. So urgent was the task imposed on my +conscience by these impressions of form or perfume or colour--to strive +for a perception of what lay hidden beneath them, that I was never +long in seeking an excuse which would allow me to relax so strenuous an +effort and to spare myself the fatigue that it involved. As good luck +would have it, my parents called me; I felt that I had not, for the +moment, the calm environment necessary for a successful pursuit of my +researches, and that it would be better to think no more of the matter +until I reached home, and not to exhaust myself in the meantime to no +purpose. And so I concerned myself no longer with the mystery that lay +hidden in a form or a perfume, quite at ease in my mind, since I was +taking it home with me, protected by its visible and tangible covering, +beneath which I should find it still alive, like the fish which, on days +when I had been allowed to go out fishing, I used to carry back in my +basket, buried in a couch of grass which kept them cool and fresh. Once +in the house again I would begin to think of something else, and so my +mind would become littered (as my room was with the flowers that I had +gathered on my walks, or the odds and ends that people had given me) +with a stone from the surface of which the sunlight was reflected, a +roof, the sound of a bell, the smell of fallen leaves, a confused mass +of different images, under which must have perished long ago the reality +of which I used to have some foreboding, but which I never had the +energy to discover and bring to light. Once, however, when we had +prolonged our walk far beyond its ordinary limits, and so had been very +glad to encounter, half way home, as afternoon darkened into evening, +Dr. Percepied, who drove past us at full speed in his carriage, saw and +recognised us, stopped, and made us jump in beside him, I received an +impression of this sort which I did not abandon without having first +subjected it to an examination a little more thorough. I had been set +on the box beside the coachman, we were going like the wind because +the Doctor had still, before returning to Combray, to call at +Martinville-le-Sec, at the house of a patient, at whose door he asked +us to wait for him. At a bend in the road I experienced, suddenly, that +special pleasure, which bore no resemblance to any other, when I caught +sight of the twin steeples of Martinville, on which the setting sun was +playing, while the movement of the carriage and the windings of the road +seemed to keep them continually changing their position; and then of a +third steeple, that of Vieuxvicq, which, although separated from them +by a hill and a valley, and rising from rather higher ground in the +distance, appeared none the less to be standing by their side. + +In ascertaining and noting the shape of their spires, the changes +of aspect, the sunny warmth of their surfaces, I felt that I was not +penetrating to the full depth of my impression, that something more lay +behind that mobility, that luminosity, something which they seemed at +once to contain and to conceal. + +The steeples appeared so distant, and we ourselves seemed to come so +little nearer them, that I was astonished when, a few minutes later, we +drew up outside the church of Martinville. I did not know the reason for +the pleasure which I had found in seeing them upon the horizon, and +the business of trying to find out what that reason was seemed to me +irksome; I wished only to keep in reserve in my brain those converging +lines, moving in the sunshine, and, for the time being, to think of +them no more. And it is probable that, had I done so, those two steeples +would have vanished for ever, in a great medley of trees and roofs and +scents and sounds which I had noticed and set apart on account of the +obscure sense of pleasure which they gave me, but without ever exploring +them more fully. I got down from the box to talk to my parents while we +were waiting for the Doctor to reappear. Then it was time to start; I +climbed up again to my place, turning my head to look back, once more, +at my steeples, of which, a little later, I caught a farewell glimpse +at a turn in the road. The coachman, who seemed little inclined for +conversation, having barely acknowledged my remarks, I was obliged, +in default of other society, to fall back on my own, and to attempt to +recapture the vision of my steeples. And presently their outlines and +their sunlit surface, as though they had been a sort of rind, were +stripped apart; a little of what they had concealed from me became +apparent; an idea came into my mind which had not existed for me a +moment earlier, framed itself in words in my head; and the pleasure +with which the first sight of them, just now, had filled me was so much +enhanced that, overpowered by a sort of intoxication, I could no longer +think of anything but them. At this point, although we had now travelled +a long way from Martinville, I turned my head and caught sight of them +again, quite black this time, for the sun had meanwhile set. Every few +minutes a turn in the road would sweep them out of sight; then they +shewed themselves for the last time, and so I saw them no more. + +Without admitting to myself that what lay buried within the steeples of +Martinville must be something analogous to a charming phrase, since it +was in the form of words which gave me pleasure that it had appeared to +me, I borrowed a pencil and some paper from the Doctor, and composed, +in spite of the jolting of the carriage, to appease my conscience and to +satisfy my enthusiasm, the following little fragment, which I have since +discovered, and now reproduce, with only a slight revision here and +there. + +Alone, rising from the level of the plain, and seemingly lost in +that expanse of open country, climbed to the sky the twin steeples of +Martinville. Presently we saw three: springing into position confronting +them by a daring volt, a third, a dilatory steeple, that of Vieuxvicq, +was come to join them. The minutes passed, we were moving rapidly, and +yet the three steeples were always a long way ahead of us, like +three birds perched upon the plain, motionless and conspicuous in +the sunlight. Then the steeple of Vieuxvicq withdrew, took its proper +distance, and the steeples of Martinville remained alone, gilded by +the light of the setting sun, which, even at that distance, I could +see playing and smiling upon their sloped sides. We had been so long in +approaching them that I was thinking of the time that must still elapse +before we could reach them when, of a sudden, the carriage, having +turned a corner, set us down at their feet; and they had flung +themselves so abruptly in our path that we had barely time to stop +before being dashed against the porch of the church. + +We resumed our course; we had left Martinville some little time, and +the village, after accompanying us for a few seconds, had already +disappeared, when, lingering alone on the horizon to watch our flight, +its steeples and that of Vieuxvicq waved once again, in token of +farewell, their sun-bathed pinnacles. Sometimes one would withdraw, +so that the other two might watch us for a moment still; then the road +changed direction, they veered in the light like three golden pivots, +and vanished from my gaze. But, a little later, when we were already +close to Combray, the sun having set meanwhile, I caught sight of them +for the last time, far away, and seeming no more now than three flowers +painted upon the sky above the low line of fields. They made me think, +too, of three maidens in a legend, abandoned in a solitary place over +which night had begun to fall; and while we drew away from them at a +gallop, I could see them timidly seeking their way, and, after some +awkward, stumbling movements of their noble silhouettes, drawing close +to one another, slipping one behind another, shewing nothing more, +now, against the still rosy sky than a single dusky form, charming and +resigned, and so vanishing in the night. + +I never thought again of this page, but at the moment when, on my +corner of the box-seat, where the Doctor's coachman was in the habit +of placing, in a hamper, the fowls which he had bought at Martinville +market, I had finished writing it, I found such a sense of happiness, +felt that it had so entirely relieved my mind of the obsession of the +steeples, and of the mystery which they concealed, that, as though I +myself were a hen and had just laid an egg, I began to sing at the top +of my voice. + +All day long, during these walks, I had been able to muse upon the +pleasure that there would be in the friendship of the Duchesse de +Guermantes, in fishing for trout, in drifting by myself in a boat on the +Vivonne; and, greedy for happiness, I asked nothing more from life, in +such moments, than that it should consist always of a series of joyous +afternoons. But when, on our way home, I had caught sight of a farm, on +the left of the road, at some distance from two other farms which were +themselves close together, and from which, to return to Combray, we need +only turn down an avenue of oaks, bordered on one side by a series of +orchard-closes, each one planted at regular intervals with apple-trees +which cast upon the ground, when they were lighted by the setting sun, +the Japanese stencil of their shadows; then, sharply, my heart would +begin to beat, I would know that in half an hour we should be at +home, and that there, as was the rule on days when we had taken the +'Guermantes way' and dinner was, in consequence, served later than +usual, I should be sent to bed as soon as I had swallowed my soup, so +that my mother, kept at table, just as though there had been company to +dinner, would not come upstairs to say good night to me in bed. The zone +of melancholy which I then entered was totally distinct from that other +zone, in which I had been bounding for joy a moment earlier, just as +sometimes in the sky a band of pink is separated, as though by a line +invisibly ruled, from a band of green or black. You may see a bird +flying across the pink; it draws near the border-line, touches it, +enters and is lost upon the black. The longings by which I had just +now been absorbed, to go to Guermantes, to travel, to live a life of +happiness--I was now so remote from them that their fulfilment would +have afforded me no pleasure. How readily would I have sacrificed them +all, just to be able to cry, all night long, in the arms of Mamma! +Shuddering with emotion, I could not take my agonised eyes from my +mother's face, which was not to appear that evening in the bedroom where +I could see myself already lying, in imagination; and wished only that +I were lying dead. And this state would persist until the morrow, when, +the rays of morning leaning their bars of light, as the gardener might +lean his ladder, against the wall overgrown with nasturtiums, which +clambered up it as far as my window-sill, I would leap out of bed to run +down at once into the garden, with no thought of the fact that evening +must return, and with it the hour when I must leave my mother. And so +it was from the 'Guermantes way' that I learned to distinguish between +these states which reigned alternately in my mind, during certain +periods, going so far as to divide every day between them, each one +returning to dispossess the other with the regularity of a fever and +ague: contiguous, and yet so foreign to one another, so devoid of means +of communication, that I could no longer understand, or even picture to +myself, in one state what I had desired or dreaded or even done in the +other. + +So the 'Méséglise way' and the 'Guermantes way' remain for me linked +with many of the little incidents of that one of all the divers lives +along whose parallel lines we are moved, which is the most abundant in +sudden reverses of fortune, the richest in episodes; I mean the life of +the mind. Doubtless it makes in us an imperceptible progress, and the +truths which have changed for us its meaning and its aspect, which have +opened new paths before our feet, we had for long been preparing for +their discovery; but that preparation was unconscious; and for us +those truths date only from the day, from the minute when they became +apparent. The flowers which played then among the grass, the water +which rippled past in the sunshine, the whole landscape which served as +environment to their apparition lingers around the memory of them still +with its unconscious or unheeding air; and, certainly, when they were +slowly scrutinised by this humble passer-by, by this dreaming +child--as the face of a king is scrutinised by a petitioner lost in the +crowd--that scrap of nature, that corner of a garden could never suppose +that it would be thanks to him that they would be elected to survive in +all their most ephemeral details; and yet the scent of hawthorn which +strays plundering along the hedge from which, in a little while, the +dog-roses will have banished it, a sound of footsteps followed by no +echo, upon a gravel path, a bubble formed at the side of a waterplant by +the current, and formed only to burst--my exaltation of mind has borne +them with it, and has succeeded in making them traverse all these +successive years, while all around them the one-trodden ways have +vanished, while those who thronged those ways, and even the memory of +those who thronged those trodden ways, are dead. Sometimes the fragment +of landscape thus transported into the present will detach itself in +such isolation from all associations that it floats uncertainly upon my +mind, like a flowering isle of Delos, and I am unable to say from +what place, from what time--perhaps, quite simply, from which of my +dreams--it comes. But it is pre-eminently as the deepest layer of my +mental soil, as firm sites on which I still may build, that I regard +the Méséglise and Guermantes 'ways.' It is because I used to think of +certain things, of certain people, while I was roaming along them, that +the things, the people which they taught me to know, and these alone, +I still take seriously, still give me joy. Whether it be that the faith +which creates has ceased to exist in me, or that reality will take shape +in the memory alone, the flowers that people shew me nowadays for the +first time never seem to me to be true flowers. The 'Méséglise way' +with its lilacs, its hawthorns, its cornflowers, its poppies, its +apple-trees, the 'Guermantes way' with its river full of tadpoles, its +water-lilies, and its buttercups have constituted for me for all time +the picture of the land in which I fain would pass my life, in which my +only requirements are that I may go out fishing, drift idly in a boat, +see the ruins of a gothic fortress in the grass, and find hidden among +the cornfields--as Saint-André-des-Champs lay hidden--an old church, +monumental, rustic, and yellow like a mill-stone; and the cornflowers, +the hawthorns, the apple-trees which I may happen, when I go walking, to +encounter in the fields, because they are situated at the same depth, on +the level of my past life, at once establish contact with my heart. And +yet, because there is an element of individuality in places, when I am +seized with a desire to see again the 'Guermantes way,' it would not +be satisfied were I led to the banks of a river in which were lilies +as fair, or even fairer than those in the Vivonne, any more than on my +return home in the evening, at the hour when there awakened in me that +anguish which, later on in life, transfers itself to the passion of +love, and may even become its inseparable companion, I should have +wished for any strange mother to come in and say good night to me, +though she were far more beautiful and more intelligent than my own. No: +just as the one thing necessary to send me to sleep contented (in that +untroubled peace which no mistress, in later years, has ever been able +to give me, since one has doubts of them at the moment when one believes +in them, and never can possess their hearts as I used to receive, in her +kiss, the heart of my mother, complete, without scruple or reservation, +unburdened by any liability save to myself) was that it should be my +mother who came, that she should incline towards me that face on which +there was, beneath her eye, something that was, it appears, a blemish, +and which I loved as much as all the rest--so what I want to see again +is the 'Guermantes way' as I knew it, with the farm that stood a little +apart from the two neighbouring farms, pressed so close together, at the +entrance to the oak avenue; those meadows upon whose surface, when it +is polished by the sun to the mirroring radiance of a lake, are outlined +the leaves of the apple-trees; that whole landscape whose individuality +sometimes, at night, in my dreams, binds me with a power that is almost +fantastic, of which I can discover no trace when I awake. + +No doubt, by virtue of having permanently and indissolubly combined in +me groups of different impressions, for no reason save that they had +made me feel several separate things at the same time, the Méséglise +and Guermantes 'ways' left me exposed, in later life, to much +disillusionment, and even to many mistakes. For often I have wished to +see a person again without realising that it was simply because that +person recalled to me a hedge of hawthorns in blossom; and I have been +led to believe, and to make some one else believe in an aftermath of +affection, by what was no more than an inclination to travel. But by +the same qualities, and by their persistence in those of my impressions, +to-day, to which they can find an attachment, the two 'ways' give to +those impressions a foundation, depth, a dimension lacking from the +rest. They invest them, too, with a charm, a significance which is for +me alone. When, on a summer evening, the resounding sky growls like a +tawny lion, and everyone is complaining of the storm, it is along the +'Méséglise way' that my fancy strays alone in ecstasy, inhaling, +through the noise of falling rain, the odour of invisible and persistent +lilac-trees. + +And so I would often lie until morning, dreaming of the old days at +Combray, of my melancholy and wakeful evenings there; of other days +besides, the memory of which had been more lately restored to me by the +taste--by what would have been called at Combray the 'perfume'---of a +cup of tea; and, by an association of memories, of a story which, many +years after I had left the little place, had been told me of a love +affair in which Swann had been involved before I was born; with that +accuracy of detail which it is easier, often, to obtain when we are +studying the lives of people who have been dead for centuries than when +we are trying to chronicle those of our own most intimate friends, an +accuracy which it seems as impossible to attain as it seemed impossible +to speak from one town to another, before we learned of the contrivance +by which that impossibility has been overcome. All these memories, +following one after another, were condensed into a single substance, +but had not so far coalesced that I could not discern between the +three strata, between my oldest, my instinctive memories, those others, +inspired more recently by a taste or 'perfume,' and those which were +actually the memories of another, from whom I had acquired them at +second hand--no fissures, indeed, no geological faults, but at least +those veins, those streaks of colour which in certain rocks, in certain +marbles, point to differences of origin, age, and formation. + +It is true that, when morning drew near, I would long have settled the +brief uncertainty of my waking dream, I would know in what room I +was actually lying, would have reconstructed it round about me in +the darkness, and--fixing my orientation by memory alone, or with the +assistance of a feeble glimmer of light at the foot of which I placed +the curtains and the window--would have reconstructed it complete and +with its furniture, as an architect and an upholsterer might do, working +upon an original, discarded plan of the doors and windows; would have +replaced the mirrors and set the chest-of-drawers on its accustomed +site. But scarcely had daylight itself--and no longer the gleam from +a last, dying ember on a brass curtain-rod, which I had mistaken for +daylight--traced across the darkness, as with a stroke of chalk across +a blackboard, its first white correcting ray, when the window, with +its curtains, would leave the frame of the doorway, in which I had +erroneously placed it, while, to make room for it, the writing-table, +which my memory had clumsily fixed where the window ought to be, would +hurry off at full speed, thrusting before it the mantelpiece, and +sweeping aside the wall of the passage; the well of the courtyard would +be enthroned on the spot where, a moment earlier, my dressing-room had +lain, and the dwelling-place which I had built up for myself in the +darkness would have gone to join all those other dwellings of which I +had caught glimpses from the whirlpool of awakening; put to flight +by that pale sign traced above my window-curtains by the uplifted +forefinger of day. + + + + + + +SWANN IN LOVE + +To admit you to the 'little nucleus,' the 'little group,' the 'little +clan' at the Verdurins', one condition sufficed, but that one was +indispensable; you must give tacit adherence to a Creed one of whose +articles was that the young pianist, whom Mme. Verdurin had taken under +her patronage that year, and of whom she said "Really, it oughtn't to +be allowed, to play Wagner as well as that!" left both Planté +and Rubinstein 'sitting'; while Dr. Cottard was a more brilliant +diagnostician than Potain. Each 'new recruit' whom the Verdurins failed +to persuade that the evenings spent by other people, in other houses +than theirs, were as dull as ditch-water, saw himself banished +forthwith. Women being in this respect more rebellious than men, more +reluctant to lay aside all worldly curiosity and the desire to find out +for themselves whether other drawing-rooms might not sometimes be as +entertaining, and the Verdurins feeling, moreover, that this critical +spirit and this demon of frivolity might, by their contagion, prove +fatal to the orthodoxy of the little church, they had been obliged to +expel, one after another, all those of the 'faithful' who were of the +female sex. + +Apart from the doctor's young wife, they were reduced almost exclusively +that season (for all that Mme. Verdurin herself was a thoroughly 'good' +woman, and came of a respectable middle-class family, excessively rich +and wholly undistinguished, with which she had gradually and of her own +accord severed all connection) to a young woman almost of a 'certain +class,' a Mme. de Crécy, whom Mme. Verdurin called by her Christian +name, Odette, and pronounced a 'love,' and to the pianist's aunt, who +looked as though she had, at one period, 'answered the bell': ladies +quite ignorant of the world, who in their social simplicity were so +easily led to believe that the Princesse de Sagan and the Duchesse +de Guermantes were obliged to pay large sums of money to other poor +wretches, in order to have anyone at their dinner-parties, that if +somebody had offered to procure them an invitation to the house of +either of those great dames, the old doorkeeper and the woman of 'easy +virtue' would have contemptuously declined. + +The Verdurins never invited you to dinner; you had your 'place laid' +there. There was never any programme for the evening's entertainment. +The young pianist would play, but only if he felt inclined, for no one +was forced to do anything, and, as M. Verdurin used to say: "We're all +friends here. Liberty Hall, you know!" + +If the pianist suggested playing the Ride of the Valkyries, or the +Prelude to Tristan, Mme. Verdurin would protest, not that the music was +displeasing to her, but, on the contrary, that it made too violent an +impression. "Then you want me to have one of my headaches? You know +quite well, it's the same every time he plays that. I know what I'm +in for. Tomorrow, when I want to get up--nothing doing!" If he was not +going to play they talked, and one of the friends--usually the painter +who was in favour there that year--would "spin," as M. Verdurin put +it, "a damned funny yarn that made 'em all split with laughter," and +especially Mme. Verdurin, for whom--so strong was her habit of taking +literally the figurative accounts of her emotions--Dr. Cottard, who was +then just starting in general practice, would "really have to come one +day and set her jaw, which she had dislocated with laughing too much." + +Evening dress was barred, because you were all 'good pals,' and didn't +want to look like the 'boring people' who were to be avoided like the +plague, and only asked to the big evenings, which were given as seldom +as possible, and then only if it would amuse the painter or make the +musician better known. The rest of the time you were quite happy playing +charades and having supper in fancy dress, and there was no need to +mingle any strange element with the little 'clan.' + +But just as the 'good pals' came to take a more and more prominent place +in Mme. Verdurin's life, so the 'bores,' the 'nuisances' grew to include +everybody and everything that kept her friends away from her, that made +them sometimes plead 'previous engagements,' the mother of one, the +professional duties of another, the 'little place in the country' of a +third. If Dr. Cottard felt bound to say good night as soon as they rose +from table, so as to go back to some patient who was seriously ill; "I +don't know," Mme. Verdurin would say, "I'm sure it will do him far more +good if you don't go disturbing him again this evening; he will have a +good night without you; to-morrow morning you can go round early and you +will find him cured." From the beginning of December it would make her +quite ill to think that the 'faithful' might fail her on Christmas and +New Year's Days. The pianist's aunt insisted that he must accompany her, +on the latter, to a family dinner at her mother's. + +"You don't suppose she'll die, your mother," exclaimed Mme. Verdurin +bitterly, "if you don't have dinner with her on New Year's Day, like +people in the _provinces_!" + +Her uneasiness was kindled again in Holy Week: "Now you, Doctor, you're +a sensible, broad-minded man; you'll come, of course, on Good Friday, +just like any other day?" she said to Cottard in the first year of the +little 'nucleus,' in a loud and confident voice, as though there could +be no doubt of his answer. But she trembled as she waited for it, for if +he did not come she might find herself condemned to dine alone. + +"I shall come on Good Friday--to say good-bye to you, for we are going +to spend the holidays in Auvergne." + +"In Auvergne? To be eaten by fleas and all sorts of creatures! A fine +lot of good that will do you!" And after a solemn pause: "If you had +only told us, we would have tried to get up a party, and all gone there +together, comfortably." + +And so, too, if one of the 'faithful' had a friend, or one of the ladies +a young man, who was liable, now and then, to make them miss an evening, +the Verdurins, who were not in the least afraid of a woman's having a +lover, provided that she had him in their company, loved him in their +company and did not prefer him to their company, would say: "Very well, +then, bring your friend along." And he would be put to the test, to see +whether he was willing to have no secrets from Mme. Verdurin, whether he +was susceptible of being enrolled in the 'little clan.' If he failed +to pass, the faithful one who had introduced him would be taken on one +side, and would be tactfully assisted to quarrel with the friend or +mistress. But if the test proved satisfactory, the newcomer would in +turn be numbered among the 'faithful.' And so when, in the course of +this same year, the courtesan told M. Verdurin that she had made the +acquaintance of such a charming gentleman, M. Swann, and hinted that +he would very much like to be allowed to come, M. Verdurin carried the +request at once to his wife. He never formed an opinion on any subject +until she had formed hers, his special duty being to carry out her +wishes and those of the 'faithful' generally, which he did with +boundless ingenuity. + +"My dear, Mme. de Crécy has something to say to you. She would like to +bring one of her friends here, a M. Swann. What do you say?" + +"Why, as if anybody could refuse anything to a little piece of +perfection like that. Be quiet; no one asked your opinion. I tell you +that you are a piece of perfection." + +"Just as you like," replied Odette, in an affected tone, and then went +on: "You know I'm not fishing for compliments." + +"Very well; bring your friend, if he's nice." + +Now there was no connection whatsoever between the 'little nucleus' and +the society which Swann frequented, and a purely worldly man would +have thought it hardly worth his while, when occupying so exceptional +a position in the world, to seek an introduction to the Verdurins. But +Swann was so ardent a lover that, once he had got to know almost all the +women of the aristocracy, once they had taught him all that there was +to learn, he had ceased to regard those naturalisation papers, almost a +patent of nobility, which the Faubourg Saint-Germain had bestowed upon +him, save as a sort of negotiable bond, a letter of credit with no +intrinsic value, which allowed him to improvise a status for himself in +some little hole in the country, or in some obscure quarter of Paris, +where the good-looking daughter of a local squire or solicitor had taken +his fancy. For at such times desire, or love itself, would revive in +him a feeling of vanity from which he was now quite free in his everyday +life, although it was, no doubt, the same feeling which had originally +prompted him towards that career as a man of fashion in which he had +squandered his intellectual gifts upon frivolous amusements, and had +made use of his erudition in matters of art only to advise society +ladies what pictures to buy and how to decorate their houses; and this +vanity it was which made him eager to shine, in the sight of any fair +unknown who had captivated him for the moment, with a brilliance which +the name of Swann by itself did not emit. And he was most eager when the +fair unknown was in humble circumstances. Just as it is not by other +men of intelligence that an intelligent man is afraid of being thought +a fool, so it is not by the great gentleman but by boors and 'bounders' +that a man of fashion is afraid of finding his social value underrated. +Three-fourths of the mental ingenuity displayed, of the social +falsehoods scattered broadcast ever since the world began by people +whose importance they have served only to diminish, have been aimed at +inferiors. And Swann, who behaved quite simply and was at his ease when +with a duchess, would tremble for fear of being despised, and would +instantly begin to pose, were he to meet her grace's maid. + +Unlike so many people, who, either from lack of energy or else from a +resigned sense of the obligation laid upon them by their social grandeur +to remain moored like houseboats to a certain point on the bank of the +stream of life, abstain from the pleasures which are offered to them +above and below that point, that degree in life in which they will +remain fixed until the day of their death, and are content, in the +end, to describe as pleasures, for want of any better, those mediocre +distractions, that just not intolerable tedium which is enclosed there +with them; Swann would endeavour not to find charm and beauty in the +women with whom he must pass time, but to pass his time among women whom +he had already found to be beautiful and charming. And these were, as +often as not, women whose beauty was of a distinctly 'common' type, for +the physical qualities which attracted him instinctively, and without +reason, were the direct opposite of those that he admired in the women +painted or sculptured by his favourite masters. Depth of character, or +a melancholy expression on a woman's face would freeze his senses, which +would, however, immediately melt at the sight of healthy, abundant, rosy +human flesh. + +If on his travels he met a family whom it would have been more correct +for him to make no attempt to know, but among whom a woman caught his +eye, adorned with a special charm that was new to him, to remain on his +'high horse' and to cheat the desire that she had kindled in him, to +substitute a pleasure different from that which he might have tasted in +her company by writing to invite one of his former mistresses to come +and join him, would have seemed to him as cowardly an abdication in the +face of life, as stupid a renunciation of a new form of happiness as if, +instead of visiting the country where he was, he had shut himself up in +his own rooms and looked at 'views' of Paris. He did not immure himself +in the solid structure of his social relations, but had made of them, so +as to be able to set it up afresh upon new foundations wherever a woman +might take his fancy, one of those collapsible tents which explorers +carry about with them. Any part of it which was not portable or could +not be adapted to some fresh pleasure he would discard as valueless, +however enviable it might appear to others. How often had his credit +with a duchess, built up of the yearly accumulation of her desire to +do him some favour for which she had never found an opportunity, been +squandered in a moment by his calling upon her, in an indiscreetly +worded message, for a recommendation by telegraph which would put him +in touch at once with one of her agents whose daughter he had noticed in +the country, just as a starving man might barter a diamond for a crust +of bread. Indeed, when it was too late, he would laugh at himself for +it, for there was in his nature, redeemed by many rare refinements, an +element of clownishness. Then he belonged to that class of intelligent +men who have led a life of idleness, and who seek consolation and, +perhaps, an excuse in the idea, which their idleness offers to their +intelligence, of objects as worthy of their interest as any that could +be attained by art or learning, the idea that 'Life' contains situations +more interesting and more romantic than all the romances ever written. +So, at least, he would assure and had no difficulty in persuading the +more subtle among his friends in the fashionable world, notably the +Baron de Charlus, whom he liked to amuse with stories of the startling +adventures that had befallen him, such as when he had met a woman in the +train, and had taken her home with him, before discovering that she was +the sister of a reigning monarch, in whose hands were gathered, at that +moment, all the threads of European politics, of which he found himself +kept informed in the most delightful fashion, or when, in the complexity +of circumstances, it depended upon the choice which the Conclave +was about to make whether he might or might not become the lover of +somebody's cook. + +It was not only the brilliant phalanx of virtuous dowagers, generals +and academicians, to whom he was bound by such close ties, that Swann +compelled with so much cynicism to serve him as panders. All his friends +were accustomed to receive, from time to time, letters which called on +them for a word of recommendation or introduction, with a diplomatic +adroitness which, persisting throughout all his successive 'affairs' +and using different pretexts, revealed more glaringly than the clumsiest +indiscretion, a permanent trait in his character and an unvarying quest. +I used often to recall to myself when, many years later, I began to +take an interest in his character because of the similarities which, in +wholly different respects, it offered to my own, how, when he used to +write to my grandfather (though not at the time we are now considering, +for it was about the date of my own birth that Swann's great 'affair' +began, and made a long interruption in his amatory practices) the +latter, recognising his friend's handwriting on the envelope, would +exclaim: "Here is Swann asking for something; on guard!" And, either +from distrust or from the unconscious spirit of devilry which urges us +to offer a thing only to those who do not want it, my grandparents would +meet with an obstinate refusal the most easily satisfied of his prayers, +as when he begged them for an introduction to a girl who dined with us +every Sunday, and whom they were obliged, whenever Swann mentioned her, +to pretend that they no longer saw, although they would be wondering, +all through the week, whom they could invite to meet her, and often +failed, in the end, to find anyone, sooner than make a sign to him who +would so gladly have accepted. + +Occasionally a couple of my grandparents' acquaintance, who had been +complaining for some time that they never saw Swann now, would announce +with satisfaction, and perhaps with a slight inclination to make my +grandparents envious of them, that he had suddenly become as charming as +he could possibly be, and was never out of their house. My grandfather +would not care to shatter their pleasant illusion, but would look at my +grandmother, as he hummed the air of: + + + What is this mystery? + I cannot understand it; + +or of: + + + Vision fugitive...; + In matters such as this + 'Tis best to close one's eyes. + +A few months later, if my grandfather asked Swann's new friend "What +about Swann? Do you still see as much of him as ever?" the other's face +would lengthen: "Never mention his name to me again!" + +"But I thought that you were such friends..." + +He had been intimate in this way for several months with some cousins +of my grandmother, dining almost every evening at their house. Suddenly, +and without any warning, he ceased to appear. They supposed him to be +ill, and the lady of the house was going to send to inquire for him +when, in her kitchen, she found a letter in his hand, which her cook had +left by accident in the housekeeping book. In this he announced that he +was leaving Paris and would not be able to come to the house again. The +cook had been his mistress, and at the moment of breaking off relations +she was the only one of the household whom he had thought it necessary +to inform. + +But when his mistress for the time being was a woman in society, or at +least one whose birth was not so lowly, nor her position so irregular +that he was unable to arrange for her reception in 'society,' then for +her sake he would return to it, but only to the particular orbit in +which she moved or into which he had drawn her. "No good depending on +Swann for this evening," people would say; "don't you remember, it's his +American's night at the Opera?" He would secure invitations for her to +the most exclusive drawing-rooms, to those houses where he himself +went regularly, for weekly dinners or for poker; every evening, after +a slight 'wave' imparted to his stiffly brushed red locks had tempered +with a certain softness the ardour of his bold green eyes, he would +select a flower for his buttonhole and set out to meet his mistress at +the house of one or other of the women of his circle; and then, thinking +of the affection and admiration which the fashionable folk, whom he +always treated exactly as he pleased, would, when he met them there, +lavish upon him in the presence of the woman whom he loved, he would +find a fresh charm in that worldly existence of which he had grown +weary, but whose substance, pervaded and warmly coloured by the +flickering light which he had slipped into its midst, seemed to him +beautiful and rare, now that he had incorporated in it a fresh love. + +But while each of these attachments, each of these flirtations had been +the realisation, more or less complete, of a dream born of the sight of +a face or a form which Swann had spontaneously, and without effort on +his part, found charming, it was quite another matter when, one day at +the theatre, he was introduced to Odette de Crécy by an old friend of +his own, who had spoken of her to him as a ravishing creature with whom +he might very possibly come to an understanding; but had made her out +to be harder of conquest than she actually was, so as to appear to be +conferring a special favour by the introduction. She had struck Swann +not, certainly, as being devoid of beauty, but as endowed with a style +of beauty which left him indifferent, which aroused in him no desire, +which gave him, indeed, a sort of physical repulsion; as one of those +women of whom every man can name some, and each will name different +examples, who are the converse of the type which our senses demand. To +give him any pleasure her profile was too sharp, her skin too delicate, +her cheek-bones too prominent, her features too tightly drawn. Her eyes +were fine, but so large that they seemed to be bending beneath their own +weight, strained the rest of her face and always made her appear unwell +or in an ill humour. Some time after this introduction at the theatre +she had written to ask Swann whether she might see his collections, +which would interest her so much, she, "an ignorant woman with a taste +for beautiful things," saying that she would know him better when +once she had seen him in his 'home,' where she imagined him to be "so +comfortable with his tea and his books"; although she had not concealed +her surprise at his being in that part of the town, which must be so +depressing, and was "not nearly smart enough for such a very smart man." +And when he allowed her to come she had said to him as she left how +sorry she was to have stayed so short a time in a house into which she +was so glad to have found her way at last, speaking of him as though he +had meant something more to her than the rest of the people she knew, +and appearing to unite their two selves with a kind of romantic bond +which had made him smile. But at the time of life, tinged already with +disenchantment, which Swann was approaching, when a man can content +himself with being in love for the pleasure of loving without expecting +too much in return, this linking of hearts, if it is no longer, as in +early youth, the goal towards which love, of necessity, tends, still +is bound to love by so strong an association of ideas that it may well +become the cause of love if it presents itself first. In his younger +days a man dreams of possessing the heart of the woman whom he loves; +later, the feeling that he possesses the heart of a woman may be enough +to make him fall in love with her. And so, at an age when it would +appear--since one seeks in love before everything else a subjective +pleasure--that the taste for feminine beauty must play the larger part +in its procreation, love may come into being, love of the most physical +order, without any foundation in desire. At this time of life a man has +already been wounded more than once by the darts of love; it no longer +evolves by itself, obeying its own incomprehensible and fatal laws, +before his passive and astonished heart. We come to its aid; we falsify +it by memory and by suggestion; recognising one of its symptoms we +recall and recreate the rest. Since we possess its hymn, engraved on +our hearts in its entirety, there is no need of any woman to repeat the +opening lines, potent with the admiration which her beauty inspires, for +us to remember all that follows. And if she begin in the middle, where +it sings of our existing, henceforward, for one another only, we are +well enough attuned to that music to be able to take it up and follow +our partner, without hesitation, at the first pause in her voice. + +Odette de Crécy came again to see Swann; her visits grew more frequent, +and doubtless each visit revived the sense of disappointment which he +felt at the sight of a face whose details he had somewhat forgotten in +the interval, not remembering it as either so expressive or, in spite +of her youth, so faded; he used to regret, while she was talking to +him, that her really considerable beauty was not of the kind which he +spontaneously admired. It must be remarked that Odette's face appeared +thinner and more prominent than it actually was, because her forehead +and the upper part of her cheeks, a single and almost plane surface, +were covered by the masses of hair which women wore at that period, +drawn forward in a fringe, raised in crimped waves and falling in stray +locks over her ears; while as for her figure, and she was admirably +built, it was impossible to make out its continuity (on account of +the fashion then prevailing, and in spite of her being one of the +best-dressed women in Paris) for the corset, jetting forwards in an +arch, as though over an imaginary stomach, and ending in a sharp point, +beneath which bulged out the balloon of her double skirts, gave a woman, +that year, the appearance of being composed of different sections badly +fitted together; to such an extent did the frills, the flounces, the +inner bodice follow, in complete independence, controlled only by the +fancy of their designer or the rigidity of their material, the line +which led them to the knots of ribbon, falls of lace, fringes of +vertically hanging jet, or carried them along the bust, but nowhere +attached themselves to the living creature, who, according as the +architecture of their fripperies drew them towards or away from her +own, found herself either strait-laced to suffocation or else completely +buried. + +But, after Odette had left him, Swann would think with a smile of her +telling him how the time would drag until he allowed her to come again; +he remembered the anxious, timid way in which she had once begged him +that it might not be very long, and the way in which she had looked at +him then, fixing upon him her fearful and imploring gaze, which gave her +a touching air beneath the bunches of artificial pansies fastened in +the front of her round bonnet of white straw, tied with strings of black +velvet. "And won't you," she had ventured, "come just once and take tea +with me?" He had pleaded pressure of work, an essay--which, in reality, +he had abandoned years ago--on Vermeer of Delft. "I know that I am quite +useless," she had replied, "a little wild thing like me beside a learned +great man like you. I should be like the frog in the fable! And yet I +should so much like to learn, to know things, to be initiated. What fun +it would be to become a regular bookworm, to bury my nose in a lot of +old papers!" she had gone on, with that self-satisfied air which a smart +woman adopts when she insists that her one desire is to give herself +up, without fear of soiling her fingers, to some unclean task, such as +cooking the dinner, with her "hands right in the dish itself." "You will +only laugh at me, but this painter who stops you from seeing me," she +meant Vermeer, "I have never even heard of him; is he alive still? Can I +see any of his things in Paris, so as to have some idea of what is going +on behind that great brow which works so hard, that head which I feel +sure is always puzzling away about things; just to be able to say +'There, that's what he's thinking about!' What a dream it would be to be +able to help you with your work." + +He had sought an excuse in his fear of forming new friendships, which he +gallantly described as his fear of a hopeless passion. "You are afraid +of falling in love? How funny that is, when I go about seeking nothing +else, and would give my soul just to find a little love somewhere!" she +had said, so naturally and with such an air of conviction that he had +been genuinely touched. "Some woman must have made you suffer. And you +think that the rest are all like her. She can't have understood you: you +are so utterly different from ordinary men. That's what I liked about +you when I first saw you; I felt at once that you weren't like everybody +else." + +"And then, besides, there's yourself----" he had continued, "I know what +women are; you must have a whole heap of things to do, and never any +time to spare." + +"I? Why, I have never anything to do. I am always free, and I always +will be free if you want me. At whatever hour of the day or night it may +suit you to see me, just send for me, and I shall be only too delighted +to come. Will you do that? Do you know what I should really like--to +introduce you to Mme. Verdurin, where I go every evening. Just fancy my +finding you there, and thinking that it was a little for my sake that +you had gone." + +No doubt, in thus remembering their conversations, in thinking about her +thus when he was alone, he did no more than call her image into being +among those of countless other women in his romantic dreams; but if, +thanks to some accidental circumstance (or even perhaps without that +assistance, for the circumstance which presents itself at the moment +when a mental state, hitherto latent, makes itself felt, may well have +had no influence whatsoever upon that state), the image of Odette de +Crécy came to absorb the whole of his dreams, if from those dreams +the memory of her could no longer be eliminated, then her bodily +imperfections would no longer be of the least importance, nor would the +conformity of her body, more or less than any other, to the requirements +of Swann's taste; since, having become the body of her whom he loved, it +must henceforth be the only one capable of causing him joy or anguish. + +It so happened that my grandfather had known--which was more than could +be said of any other actual acquaintance--the family of these Verdurins. +But he had entirely severed his connection with what he called "young +Verdurin," taking a general view of him as one who had fallen--though +without losing hold of his millions--among the riff-raff of Bohemia. One +day he received a letter from Swann asking whether my grandfather could +put him in touch with the Verdurins. "On guard! on guard!" he exclaimed +as he read it, "I am not at all surprised; Swann was bound to finish up +like this. A nice lot of people! I cannot do what he asks, because, in +the first place, I no longer know the gentleman in question. Besides, +there must be a woman in it somewhere, and I don't mix myself up in such +matters. Ah, well, we shall see some fun if Swann begins running after +the little Verdurins." + +And on my grandfather's refusal to act as sponsor, it was Odette herself +who had taken Swann to the house. + +The Verdurins had had dining with them, on the day when Swann made his +first appearance, Dr. and Mme. Cottard, the young pianist and his aunt, +and the painter then in favour, while these were joined, in the course +of the evening, by several more of the 'faithful.' + +Dr. Cottard was never quite certain of the tone in which he ought to +reply to any observation, or whether the speaker was jesting or +in earnest. And so in any event he would embellish all his facial +expressions with the offer of a conditional, a provisional smile whose +expectant subtlety would exonerate him from the charge of being a +simpleton, if the remark addressed to him should turn out to have been +facetious. But as he must also be prepared to face the alternative, he +never dared to allow this smile a definite expression on his features, +and you would see there a perpetually flickering uncertainty, in which +you might decipher the question that he never dared to ask: "Do you +really mean that?" He was no more confident of the manner in which he +ought to conduct himself in the street, or indeed in life generally, +than he was in a drawing-room; and he might be seen greeting passers-by, +carriages, and anything that occurred with a malicious smile which +absolved his subsequent behaviour of all impropriety, since it proved, +if it should turn out unsuited to the occasion, that he was well aware +of that, and that if he had assumed a smile, the jest was a secret of +his own. + +On all those points, however, where a plain question appeared to him to +be permissible, the Doctor was unsparing in his endeavours to cultivate +the wilderness of his ignorance and uncertainty and so to complete his +education. + +So it was that, following the advice given him by a wise mother on his +first coming up to the capital from his provincial home, he would never +let pass either a figure of speech or a proper name that was new to him +without an effort to secure the fullest information upon it. + +As regards figures of speech, he was insatiable in his thirst for +knowledge, for often imagining them to have a more definite meaning than +was actually the case, he would want to know what, exactly, was intended +by those which he most frequently heard used: 'devilish pretty,' 'blue +blood,' 'a cat and dog life,' 'a day of reckoning,' 'a queen of fashion, +'to give a free hand,' 'to be at a deadlock,' and so forth; and in +what particular circumstances he himself might make use of them in +conversation. Failing these, he would adorn it with puns and other +'plays upon words' which he had learned by rote. As for the names of +strangers which were uttered in his hearing, he used merely to repeat +them to himself in a questioning tone, which, he thought, would suffice +to furnish him with explanations for which he would not ostensibly seek. + +As the critical faculty, on the universal application of which he prided +himself, was, in reality, completely lacking, that refinement of good +breeding which consists in assuring some one whom you are obliging in +any way, without expecting to be believed, that it is really yourself +that is obliged to him, was wasted on Cottard, who took everything that +he heard in its literal sense. However blind she may have been to his +faults, Mme. Verdurin was genuinely annoyed, though she still continued +to regard him as brilliantly clever, when, after she had invited him to +see and hear Sarah Bernhardt from a stage box, and had said politely: +"It is very good of you to have come, Doctor, especially as I'm sure +you must often have heard Sarah Bernhardt; and besides, I'm afraid we're +rather too near the stage," the Doctor, who had come into the box with a +smile which waited before settling upon or vanishing from his face +until some one in authority should enlighten him as to the merits of the +spectacle, replied: "To be sure, we are far too near the stage, and +one is getting sick of Sarah Bernhardt. But you expressed a wish that +I should come. For me, your wish is a command. I am only too glad to be +able to do you this little service. What would one not do to please you, +you are so good." And he went on, "Sarah Bernhardt; that's what they +call the Voice of God, ain't it? You see, often, too, that she 'sets the +boards on fire.' That's an odd expression, ain't it?" in the hope of an +enlightening commentary, which, however, was not forthcoming. + +"D'you know," Mme. Verdurin had said to her husband, "I believe we are +going the wrong way to work when we depreciate anything we offer the +Doctor. He is a scientist who lives quite apart from our everyday +existence; he knows nothing himself of what things are worth, and he +accepts everything that we say as gospel." + +"I never dared to mention it," M. Verdurin had answered, "but I've +noticed the same thing myself." And on the following New Year's Day, +instead of sending Dr. Cottard a ruby that cost three thousand francs, +and pretending that it was a mere trifle, M. Verdurin bought an +artificial stone for three hundred, and let it be understood that it was +something almost impossible to match. + +When Mme. Verdurin had announced that they were to see M. Swann that +evening; "Swann!" the Doctor had exclaimed in a tone rendered brutal +by his astonishment, for the smallest piece of news would always take +utterly unawares this man who imagined himself to be perpetually in +readiness for anything. And seeing that no one answered him, "Swann! Who +on earth is Swann?" he shouted, in a frenzy of anxiety which subsided +as soon as Mme. Verdurin had explained, "Why, Odette's friend, whom she +told us about." + +"Ah, good, good; that's all right, then," answered the Doctor, at once +mollified. As for the painter, he was overjoyed at the prospect of +Swann's appearing at the Verdurins', because he supposed him to be in +love with Odette, and was always ready to assist at lovers' meetings. +"Nothing amuses me more than match-making," he confided to Cottard; "I +have been tremendously successful, even with women!" + +In telling the Verdurins that Swann was extremely 'smart,' Odette had +alarmed them with the prospect of another 'bore.' When he arrived, +however, he made an excellent impression, an indirect cause of which, +though they did not know it, was his familiarity with the best society. +He had, indeed, one of those advantages which men who have lived and +moved in the world enjoy over others, even men of intelligence and +refinement, who have never gone into society, namely that they no longer +see it transfigured by the longing or repulsion with which it fills +the imagination, but regard it as quite unimportant. Their good nature, +freed from all taint of snobbishness and from the fear of seeming +too friendly, grown independent, in fact, has the ease, the grace of +movement of a trained gymnast each of whose supple limbs will carry out +precisely the movement that is required without any clumsy participation +by the rest of his body. The simple and elementary gestures used by a +man of the world when he courteously holds out his hand to the unknown +youth who is being introduced to him, and when he bows discreetly before +the Ambassador to whom he is being introduced, had gradually pervaded, +without his being conscious of it, the whole of Swann's social +deportment, so that in the company of people of a lower grade than his +own, such as the Verdurins and their friends, he instinctively shewed an +assiduity, and made overtures with which, by their account, any of their +'bores' would have dispensed. He chilled, though for a moment only, +on meeting Dr. Cottard; for seeing him close one eye with an ambiguous +smile, before they had yet spoken to one another (a grimace which +Cottard styled "letting 'em all come"), Swann supposed that the Doctor +recognised him from having met him already somewhere, probably in some +house of 'ill-fame,' though these he himself very rarely visited, +never having made a habit of indulging in the mercenary sort of love. +Regarding such an allusion as in bad taste, especially before Odette, +whose opinion of himself it might easily alter for the worse, Swann +assumed his most icy manner. But when he learned that the lady next to +the Doctor was Mme. Cottard, he decided that so young a husband would +not deliberately, in his wife's hearing, have made any allusion to +amusements of that order, and so ceased to interpret the Doctor's +expression in the sense which he had at first suspected. The painter at +once invited Swann to visit his studio with Odette, and Swann found him +very pleasant. "Perhaps you will be more highly favoured than I have +been," Mme. Verdurin broke in, with mock resentment of the favour, +"perhaps you will be allowed to see Cottard's portrait" (for which she +had given the painter a commission). "Take care, Master Biche," she +reminded the painter, whom it was a time-honoured pleasantry to address +as 'Master,' "to catch that nice look in his eyes, that witty little +twinkle. You know, what I want to have most of all is his smile; that's +what I've asked you to paint--the portrait of his smile." And since the +phrase struck her as noteworthy, she repeated it very loud, so as to +make sure that as many as possible of her guests should hear it, and +even made use of some indefinite pretext to draw the circle closer +before she uttered it again. Swann begged to be introduced to everyone, +even to an old friend of the Verdurins, called Saniette, whose shyness, +simplicity and good-nature had deprived him of all the consideration due +to his skill in palaeography, his large fortune, and the distinguished +family to which he belonged. When he spoke, his words came with +a confusion which was delightful to hear because one felt that it +indicated not so much a defect in his speech as a quality of his soul, +as it were a survival from the age of innocence which he had never +wholly outgrown. All the consonants which he did not manage to pronounce +seemed like harsh utterances of which his gentle lips were incapable. By +asking to be made known to M. Saniette, Swann made M. Verdurin reverse +the usual form of introduction (saying, in fact, with emphasis on the +distinction: "M. Swann, pray let me present to you our friend Saniette") +but he aroused in Saniette himself a warmth of gratitude, which, +however, the Verdurins never disclosed to Swann, since Saniette rather +annoyed them, and they did not feel bound to provide him with friends. +On the other hand the Verdurins were extremely touched by Swann's next +request, for he felt that he must ask to be introduced to the pianist's +aunt. She wore a black dress, as was her invariable custom, for she +believed that a woman always looked well in black, and that nothing +could be more distinguished; but her face was exceedingly red, as +it always was for some time after a meal. She bowed to Swann with +deference, but drew herself up again with great dignity. As she was +entirely uneducated, and was afraid of making mistakes in grammar and +pronunciation, she used purposely to speak in an indistinct and garbling +manner, thinking that if she should make a slip it would be so buried in +the surrounding confusion that no one could be certain whether she had +actually made it or not; with the result that her talk was a sort of +continuous, blurred expectoration, out of which would emerge, at rare +intervals, those sounds and syllables of which she felt positive. +Swann supposed himself entitled to poke a little mild fun at her in +conversation with M. Verdurin, who, however, was not at all amused. + +"She is such an excellent woman!" he rejoined. "I grant you that she +is not exactly brilliant; but I assure you that she can talk most +charmingly when you are alone with her." + +"I am sure she can," Swann hastened to conciliate him. "All I meant was +that she hardly struck me as 'distinguished,'" he went on, isolating +the epithet in the inverted commas of his tone, "and, after all, that is +something of a compliment." + +"Wait a moment," said M. Verdurin, "now, this will surprise you; she +writes quite delightfully. You have never heard her nephew play? It is +admirable; eh, Doctor? Would you like me to ask him to play something, +M. Swann?" + +"I should count myself most fortunate..." Swann was beginning, a trifle +pompously, when the Doctor broke in derisively. Having once heard it +said, and never having forgotten that in general conversation emphasis +and the use of formal expressions were out of date, whenever he heard a +solemn word used seriously, as the word 'fortunate' had been used just +now by Swann, he at once assumed that the speaker was being deliberately +pedantic. And if, moreover, the same word happened to occur, also, in +what he called an old 'tag' or 'saw,' however common it might still be +in current usage, the Doctor jumped to the conclusion that the whole +thing was a joke, and interrupted with the remaining words of the +quotation, which he seemed to charge the speaker with having intended +to introduce at that point, although in reality it had never entered his +mind. + +"Most fortunate for France!" he recited wickedly, shooting up both arms +with great vigour. M. Verdurin could not help laughing. + +"What are all those good people laughing at over there? There's no sign +of brooding melancholy down in your corner," shouted Mme. Verdurin. "You +don't suppose I find it very amusing to be stuck up here by myself on +the stool of repentance," she went on peevishly, like a spoiled child. + +Mme. Verdurin was sitting upon a high Swedish chair of waxed pine-wood, +which a violinist from that country had given her, and which she kept in +her drawing-room, although in appearance it suggested a school 'form,' +and 'swore,' as the saying is, at the really good antique furniture +which she had besides; but she made a point of keeping on view the +presents which her 'faithful' were in the habit of making her from time +to time, so that the donors might have the pleasure of seeing them there +when they came to the house. She tried to persuade them to confine +their tributes to flowers and sweets, which had at least the merit of +mortality; but she was never successful, and the house was gradually +filled with a collection of foot-warmers, cushions, clocks, screens, +barometers and vases, a constant repetition and a boundless incongruity +of useless but indestructible objects. + +From this lofty perch she would take her spirited part in the +conversation of the 'faithful,' and would revel in all their fun; but, +since the accident to her jaw, she had abandoned the effort involved in +real hilarity, and had substituted a kind of symbolical dumb-show which +signified, without endangering or even fatiguing her in any way, that +she was 'laughing until she cried.' At the least witticism aimed by any +of the circle against a 'bore,' or against a former member of the circle +who was now relegated to the limbo of 'bores'--and to the utter despair +of M. Verdurin, who had always made out that he was just as easily +amused as his wife, but who, since his laughter was the 'real thing,' +was out of breath in a moment, and so was overtaken and vanquished +by her device of a feigned but continuous hilarity--she would utter a +shrill cry, shut tight her little bird-like eyes, which were beginning +to be clouded over by a cataract, and quickly, as though she had only +just time to avoid some indecent sight or to parry a mortal blow, +burying her face in her hands, which completely engulfed it, and +prevented her from seeing anything at all, she would appear to be +struggling to suppress, to eradicate a laugh which, were she to give +way to it, must inevitably leave her inanimate. So, stupefied with +the gaiety of the 'faithful,' drunken with comradeship, scandal and +asseveration, Mme. Verdurin, perched on her high seat like a cage-bird +whose biscuit has been steeped in mulled wine, would sit aloft and sob +with fellow-feeling. + +Meanwhile M. Verdurin, after first asking Swann's permission to light +his pipe ("No ceremony here, you understand; we're all pals!"), went and +begged the young musician to sit down at the piano. + +"Leave him alone; don't bother him; he hasn't come here to be +tormented," cried Mme. Verdurin. "I won't have him tormented." + +"But why on earth should it bother him?" rejoined M. Verdurin. "I'm sure +M. Swann has never heard the sonata in F sharp which we discovered; he +is going to play us the pianoforte arrangement." + +"No, no, no, not my sonata!" she screamed, "I don't want to be made to +cry until I get a cold in the head, and neuralgia all down my face, like +last time; thanks very much, I don't intend to repeat that performance; +you are all very kind and considerate; it is easy to see that none of +you will have to stay in bed, for a week." + +This little scene, which was re-enacted as often as the young pianist +sat down to play, never failed to delight the audience, as though +each of them were witnessing it for the first time, as a proof of the +seductive originality of the 'Mistress' as she was styled, and of the +acute sensitiveness of her musical 'ear.' Those nearest to her would +attract the attention of the rest, who were smoking or playing cards at +the other end of the room, by their cries of 'Hear, hear!' which, as +in Parliamentary debates, shewed that something worth listening to was +being said. And next day they would commiserate with those who had +been prevented from coming that evening, and would assure them that the +'little scene' had never been so amusingly done. + +"Well, all right, then," said M. Verdurin, "he can play just the +andante." + +"Just the _andante_! How you do go on," cried his wife. "As if it +weren't 'just the _andante_' that breaks every bone in my body. The +'Master' is really too priceless! Just as though, 'in the Ninth,' he +said 'we need only have the _finale_,' or 'just the overture' of the +_Meistersinger_." + +The Doctor, however, urged Mme. Verdurin to let the pianist play, +not because he supposed her to be malingering when she spoke of the +distressing effects that music always had upon her, for he recognised +the existence of certain neurasthenic states--but from his habit, common +to many doctors, of at once relaxing the strict letter of a prescription +as soon as it appeared to jeopardise, what seemed to him far more +important, the success of some social gathering at which he was present, +and of which the patient whom he had urged for once to forget her +dyspepsia or headache formed an essential factor. + +"You won't be ill this time, you'll find," he told her, seeking at the +same time to subdue her mind by the magnetism of his gaze. "And, if you +are ill, we will cure you." + +"Will you, really?" Mme. Verdurin spoke as though, with so great a +favour in store for her, there was nothing for it but to capitulate. +Perhaps, too, by dint of saying that she was going to be ill, she had +worked herself into a state in which she forgot, occasionally, that it +was all only a 'little scene,' and regarded things, quite sincerely, +from an invalid's point of view. For it may often be remarked that +invalids grow weary of having the frequency of their attacks depend +always on their own prudence in avoiding them, and like to let +themselves think that they are free to do everything that they most +enjoy doing, although they are always ill after doing it, provided only +that they place themselves in the hands of a higher authority which, +without putting them to the least inconvenience, can and will, by +uttering a word or by administering a tabloid, set them once again upon +their feet. + +Odette had gone to sit on a tapestry-covered sofa near the piano, saying +to Mme. Verdurin, "I have my own little corner, haven't I?" + +And Mme. Verdurin, seeing Swann by himself upon a chair, made him get +up. "You're not at all comfortable there; go along and sit by Odette; +you can make room for M. Swann there, can't you, Odette?" + +"What charming Beauvais!" said Swann, stopping to admire the sofa before +he sat down on it, and wishing to be polite. + +"I am glad you appreciate my sofa," replied Mme. Verdurin, "and I warn +you that if you expect ever to see another like it you may as well +abandon the idea at once. They never made any more like it. And these +little chairs, too, are perfect marvels. You can look at them in a +moment. The emblems in each of the bronze mouldings correspond to the +subject of the tapestry on the chair; you know, you combine amusement +with instruction when you look at them;--I can promise you a delightful +time, I assure you. Just look at the little border around the edges; +here, look, the little vine on a red background in this one, the Bear +and the Grapes. Isn't it well drawn? What do you say? I think they knew +a thing or two about design! Doesn't it make your mouth water, this +vine? My husband makes out that I am not fond of fruit, because I eat +less than he does. But not a bit of it, I am greedier than any of you, +but I have no need to fill my mouth with them when I can feed on them +with my eyes. What are you all laughing at now, pray? Ask the Doctor; +he will tell you that those grapes act on me like a regular purge. Some +people go to Fontainebleau for cures; I take my own little Beauvais cure +here. But, M. Swann, you mustn't run away without feeling the little +bronze mouldings on the backs. Isn't it an exquisite surface? No, no, +not with your whole hand like that; feel them properly!" + +"If Mme. Verdurin is going to start playing about with her bronzes," +said the painter, "we shan't get any music to-night." + +"Be quiet, you wretch! And yet we poor women," she went on, "are +forbidden pleasures far less voluptuous than this. There is no flesh in +the world as soft as these. None. When M. Verdurin did me the honour +of being madly jealous... come, you might at least be polite. Don't say +that you never have been jealous!" + +"But, my dear, I have said absolutely nothing. Look here, Doctor, I call +you as a witness; did I utter a word?" + +Swann had begun, out of politeness, to finger the bronzes, and did not +like to stop. + +"Come along; you can caress them later; now it is you that are going to +be caressed, caressed in the ear; you'll like that, I think. Here's the +young gentleman who will take charge of that." + +After the pianist had played, Swann felt and shewed more interest in him +than in any of the other guests, for the following reason: + +The year before, at an evening party, he had heard a piece of music +played on the piano and violin. At first he had appreciated only the +material quality of the sounds which those instruments secreted. And it +had been a source of keen pleasure when, below the narrow ribbon of the +violin-part, delicate, unyielding, substantial and governing the whole, +he had suddenly perceived, where it was trying to surge upwards in a +flowing tide of sound, the mass of the piano-part, multiform, coherent, +level, and breaking everywhere in melody like the deep blue tumult of +the sea, silvered and charmed into a minor key by the moonlight. But at +a given moment, without being able to distinguish any clear outline, +or to give a name to what was pleasing him, suddenly enraptured, he had +tried to collect, to treasure in his memory the phrase or harmony--he +knew not which--that had just been played, and had opened and expanded +his soul, just as the fragrance of certain roses, wafted upon the moist +air of evening, has the power of dilating our nostrils. Perhaps it was +owing to his own ignorance of music that he had been able to receive so +confused an impression, one of those that are, notwithstanding, our only +purely musical impressions, limited in their extent, entirely original, +and irreducible into any other kind. An impression of this order, +vanishing in an instant, is, so to speak, an impression _sine materia_. +Presumably the notes which we hear at such moments tend to spread out +before our eyes, over surfaces greater or smaller according to their +pitch and volume; to trace arabesque designs, to give us the sensation +of breadth or tenuity, stability or caprice. But the notes themselves +have vanished before these sensations have developed sufficiently to +escape submersion under those which the following, or even simultaneous +notes have already begun to awaken in us. And this indefinite perception +would continue to smother in its molten liquidity the _motifs_ which now +and then emerge, barely discernible, to plunge again and disappear and +drown; recognised only by the particular kind of pleasure which they +instil, impossible to describe, to recollect, to name; ineffable;--if +our memory, like a labourer who toils at the laying down of firm +foundations beneath the tumult of the waves, did not, by fashioning for +us facsimiles of those fugitive phrases, enable us to compare and to +contrast them with those that follow. And so, hardly had the delicious +sensation, which Swann had experienced, died away, before his memory +had furnished him with an immediate transcript, summary, it is true, +and provisional, but one on which he had kept his eyes fixed while +the playing continued, so effectively that, when the same impression +suddenly returned, it was no longer uncapturable. He was able to picture +to himself its extent, its symmetrical arrangement, its notation, the +strength of its expression; he had before him that definite object which +was no longer pure music, but rather design, architecture, thought, +and which allowed the actual music to be recalled. This time he had +distinguished, quite clearly, a phrase which emerged for a few moments +from the waves of sound. It had at once held out to him an invitation to +partake of intimate pleasures, of whose existence, before hearing it, he +had never dreamed, into which he felt that nothing but this phrase could +initiate him; and he had been filled with love for it, as with a new and +strange desire. + +With a slow and rhythmical movement it led him here, there, everywhere, +towards a state of happiness noble, unintelligible, yet clearly +indicated. And then, suddenly having reached a certain point from which +he was prepared to follow it, after pausing for a moment, abruptly it +changed its direction, and in a fresh movement, more rapid, multiform, +melancholy, incessant, sweet, it bore him off with it towards a vista +of joys unknown. Then it vanished. He hoped, with a passionate longing, +that he might find it again, a third time. And reappear it did, though +without speaking to him more clearly, bringing him, indeed, a pleasure +less profound. But when he was once more at home he needed it, he +was like a man into whose life a woman, whom he has seen for a moment +passing by, has brought a new form of beauty, which strengthens and +enlarges his own power of perception, without his knowing even whether +he is ever to see her again whom he loves already, although he knows +nothing of her, not even her name. + +Indeed this passion for a phrase of music seemed, in the first few +months, to be bringing into Swann's life the possibility of a sort of +rejuvenation. He had so long since ceased to direct his course towards +any ideal goal, and had confined himself to the pursuit of ephemeral +satisfactions, that he had come to believe, though without ever formally +stating his belief even to himself, that he would remain all his life in +that condition, which death alone could alter. More than this, since his +mind no longer entertained any lofty ideals, he had ceased to believe +in (although he could not have expressly denied) their reality. He had +grown also into the habit of taking refuge in trivial considerations, +which allowed him to set on one side matters of fundamental importance. +Just as he had never stopped to ask himself whether he would not have +done better by not going into society, knowing very well that if he +had accepted an invitation he must put in an appearance, and that +afterwards, if he did not actually call, he must at least leave cards +upon his hostess; so in his conversation he took care never to express +with any warmth a personal opinion about a thing, but instead would +supply facts and details which had a value of a sort in themselves, and +excused him from shewing how much he really knew. He would be extremely +precise about the recipe for a dish, the dates of a painter's birth and +death, and the titles of his works. Sometimes, in spite of himself, he +would let himself go so far as to utter a criticism of a work of art, or +of some one's interpretation of life, but then he would cloak his words +in a tone of irony, as though he did not altogether associate himself +with what he was saying. But now, like a confirmed invalid whom, all +of a sudden, a change of air and surroundings, or a new course of +treatment, or, as sometimes happens, an organic change in himself, +spontaneous and unaccountable, seems to have so far recovered from his +malady that he begins to envisage the possibility, hitherto beyond +all hope, of starting to lead--and better late than never--a wholly +different life, Swann found in himself, in the memory of the phrase that +he had heard, in certain other sonatas which he had made people play +over to him, to see whether he might not, perhaps, discover his phrase +among them, the presence of one of those invisible realities in which +he had ceased to believe, but to which, as though the music had had upon +the moral barrenness from which he was suffering a sort of recreative +influence, he was conscious once again of a desire, almost, indeed, of +the power to consecrate his life. But, never having managed to find out +whose work it was that he had heard played that evening, he had been +unable to procure a copy, and finally had forgotten the quest. He had +indeed, in the course of the next few days, encountered several of the +people who had been at the party with him, and had questioned them; +but most of them had either arrived after or left before the piece was +played; some had indeed been in the house, but had gone into another +room to talk, and those who had stayed to listen had no clearer +impression than the rest. As for his hosts, they knew that it was a +recently published work which the musicians whom they had engaged for +the evening had asked to be allowed to play; but, as these last were now +on tour somewhere, Swann could learn nothing further. He had, of +course, a number of musical friends, but, vividly as he could recall the +exquisite and inexpressible pleasure which the little phrase had given +him, and could see, still, before his eyes the forms that it had traced +in outline, he was quite incapable of humming over to them the air. And +so, at last, he ceased to think of it. + +But to-night, at Mme. Verdurin's, scarcely had the little pianist begun +to play when, suddenly, after a high note held on through two whole +bars, Swann saw it approaching, stealing forth from underneath that +resonance, which was prolonged and stretched out over it, like a curtain +of sound, to veil the mystery of its birth--and recognised, secret, +whispering, articulate, the airy and fragrant phrase that he had loved. +And it was so peculiarly itself, it had so personal a charm, which +nothing else could have replaced, that Swann felt as though he had met, +in a friend's drawing-room, a woman whom he had seen and admired, once, +in the street, and had despaired of ever seeing her again. Finally the +phrase withdrew and vanished, pointing, directing, diligent among the +wandering currents of its fragrance, leaving upon Swann's features a +reflection of its smile. But now, at last, he could ask the name of +his fair unknown (and was told that it was the _andante_ movement of +Vinteuil's sonata for the piano and violin), he held it safe, could +have it again to himself, at home, as often as he would, could study its +language and acquire its secret. + +And so, when the pianist had finished, Swann crossed the room and +thanked him with a vivacity which delighted Mme. Verdurin. + +"Isn't he charming?" she asked Swann, "doesn't he just understand it, +his sonata, the little wretch? You never dreamed, did you, that a piano +could be made to express all that? Upon my word, there's everything in +it except the piano! I'm caught out every time I hear it; I think +I'm listening to an orchestra. Though it's better, really, than an +orchestra, more complete." + +The young pianist bent over her as he answered, smiling and underlining +each of his words as though he were making an epigram: "You are most +generous to me." + +And while Mme. Verdurin was saying to her husband, "Run and fetch him a +glass of orangeade; it's well earned!" Swann began to tell Odette how he +had fallen in love with that little phrase. When their hostess, who was +a little way off, called out, "Well! It looks to me as though some one +was saying nice things to you, Odette!" she replied, "Yes, very +nice," and he found her simplicity delightful. Then he asked for some +information about this Vinteuil; what else he had done, and at what +period in his life he had composed the sonata;--what meaning the little +phrase could have had for him, that was what Swann wanted most to know. + +But none of these people who professed to admire this musician (when +Swann had said that the sonata was really charming Mme. Verdurin had +exclaimed, "I quite believe it! Charming, indeed! But you don't dare to +confess that you don't know Vinteuil's sonata; you have no right not to +know it!"--and the painter had gone on with, "Ah, yes, it's a very fine +bit of work, isn't it? Not, of course, if you want something 'obvious,' +something 'popular,' but, I mean to say, it makes a very great +impression on us artists."), none of them seemed ever to have asked +himself these questions, for none of them was able to reply. + +Even to one or two particular remarks made by Swann on his favourite +phrase, "D'you know, that's a funny thing; I had never noticed it; I may +as well tell you that I don't much care about peering at things through +a microscope, and pricking myself on pin-points of difference; no; we +don't waste time splitting hairs in this house; why not? well, it's not +a habit of ours, that's all," Mme. Verdurin replied, while Dr. Cottard +gazed at her with open-mouthed admiration, and yearned to be able to +follow her as she skipped lightly from one stepping-stone to another +of her stock of ready-made phrases. Both he, however, and Mme. Cottard, +with a kind of common sense which is shared by many people of humble +origin, would always take care not to express an opinion, or to pretend +to admire a piece of music which they would confess to each other, once +they were safely at home, that they no more understood than they could +understand the art of 'Master' Biche. Inasmuch as the public cannot +recognise the charm, the beauty, even the outlines of nature save in the +stereotyped impressions of an art which they have gradually assimilated, +while an original artist starts by rejecting those impressions, so +M. and Mme. Cottard, typical, in this respect, of the public, were +incapable of finding, either in Vinteuil's sonata or in Biche's +portraits, what constituted harmony, for them, in music or beauty in +painting. It appeared to them, when the pianist played his sonata, as +though he were striking haphazard from the piano a medley of notes which +bore no relation to the musical forms to which they themselves were +accustomed, and that the painter simply flung the colours haphazard upon +his canvas. When, on one of these, they were able to distinguish a human +form, they always found it coarsened and vulgarised (that is to say +lacking all the elegance of the school of painting through whose +spectacles they themselves were in the habit of seeing the people--real, +living people, who passed them in the streets) and devoid of truth, as +though M. Biche had not known how the human shoulder was constructed, or +that a woman's hair was not, ordinarily, purple. + +And yet, when the 'faithful' were scattered out of earshot, the Doctor +felt that the opportunity was too good to be missed, and so (while Mme. +Verdurin was adding a final word of commendation of Vinteuil's sonata) +like a would-be swimmer who jumps into the water, so as to learn, but +chooses a moment when there are not too many people looking on: +"Yes, indeed; he's what they call a musician _di primo cartello_!" he +exclaimed, with a sudden determination. + +Swann discovered no more than that the recent publication of Vinteuil's +sonata had caused a great stir among the most advanced school of +musicians, but that it was still unknown to the general public. + +"I know some one, quite well, called Vinteuil," said Swann, thinking of +the old music-master at Combray who had taught my grandmother's sisters. + +"Perhaps that's the man!" cried Mme. Verdurin. + +"Oh, no!" Swann burst out laughing. "If you had ever seen him for a +moment you wouldn't put the question." + +"Then to put the question is to solve the problem?" the Doctor +suggested. + +"But it may well be some relative," Swann went on. "That would be bad +enough; but, after all, there is no reason why a genius shouldn't have +a cousin who is a silly old fool. And if that should be so, I swear +there's no known or unknown form of torture I wouldn't undergo to +get the old fool to introduce me to the man who composed the sonata; +starting with the torture of the old fool's company, which would be +ghastly." + +The painter understood that Vinteuil was seriously ill at the moment, +and that Dr. Potain despaired of his life. + +"What!" cried Mme. Verdurin, "Do people still call in Potain?" + +"Ah! Mme. Verdurin," Cottard simpered, "you forget that you are speaking +of one of my colleagues--I should say, one of my masters." + +The painter had heard, somewhere, that Vinteuil was threatened with the +loss of his reason. And he insisted that signs of this could be detected +in certain passages in the sonata. This remark did not strike Swann as +ridiculous; rather, it puzzled him. For, since a purely musical work +contains none of those logical sequences, the interruption or confusion +of which, in spoken or written language, is a proof of insanity, so +insanity diagnosed in a sonata seemed to him as mysterious a thing as +the insanity of a dog or a horse, although instances may be observed of +these. + +"Don't speak to me about 'your masters'; you know ten times as much as +he does!" Mme. Verdurin answered Dr. Cottard, in the tone of a woman who +has the courage of her convictions, and is quite ready to stand up to +anyone who disagrees with her. "Anyhow, you don't kill your patients!" + +"But, Madame, he is in the Academy." The Doctor smiled with bitter +irony. "If a sick person prefers to die at the hands of one of the +Princes of Science... It is far more smart to be able to say, 'Yes, I +have Potain.'" + +"Oh, indeed! More smart, is it?" said Mme. Verdurin. "So there are +fashions, nowadays, in illness, are there? I didn't know that.... Oh, +you do make me laugh!" she screamed, suddenly, burying her face in her +hands. "And here was I, poor thing, talking quite seriously, and never +seeing that you were pulling my leg." + +As for M. Verdurin, finding it rather a strain to start laughing again +over so small a matter, he was content with puffing out a cloud of smoke +from his pipe, while he reflected sadly that he could never again hope +to keep pace with his wife in her Atalanta-flights across the field of +mirth. + +"D'you know; we like your friend so very much," said Mme. Verdurin, +later, when Odette was bidding her good night. "He is so unaffected, +quite charming. If they're all like that, the friends you want to bring +here, by all means bring them." + +M. Verdurin remarked that Swann had failed, all the same, to appreciate +the pianist's aunt. + +"I dare say he felt a little strange, poor man," suggested Mme. +Verdurin. "You can't expect him to catch the tone of the house the first +time he comes; like Cottard, who has been one of our little 'clan' now +for years. The first time doesn't count; it's just for looking round and +finding out things. Odette, he understands all right, he's to join us +to-morrow at the Châtelet. Perhaps you might call for him and bring +him." + +"No, he doesn't want that." + +"Oh, very well; just as you like. Provided he doesn't fail us at the +last moment." + +Greatly to Mme. Verdurin's surprise, he never failed them. He would go +to meet them, no matter where, at restaurants outside Paris (not that +they went there much at first, for the season had not yet begun), and +more frequently at the play, in which Mme. Verdurin delighted. One +evening, when they were dining at home, he heard her complain that she +had not one of those permits which would save her the trouble of waiting +at doors and standing in crowds, and say how useful it would be to them +at first-nights, and gala performances at the Opera, and what a nuisance +it had been, not having one, on the day of Gambetta's funeral. Swann +never spoke of his distinguished friends, but only of such as might be +regarded as detrimental, whom, therefore, he thought it snobbish, and +in not very good taste to conceal; while he frequented the Faubourg +Saint-Germain he had come to include, in the latter class, all his +friends in the official world of the Third Republic, and so broke in, +without thinking: "I'll see to that, all right. You shall have it in +time for the _Danicheff_ revival. I shall be lunching with the Prefect +of Police to-morrow, as it happens, at the Elysée." + +"What's that? The Elysée?" Dr. Cottard roared in a voice of thunder. + +"Yes, at M. Grévy's," replied Swann, feeling a little awkward at the +effect which his announcement had produced. + +"Are you often taken like that?" the painter asked Cottard, with +mock-seriousness. + +As a rule, once an explanation had been given, Cottard would say: "Ah, +good, good; that's all right, then," after which he would shew not the +least trace of emotion. But this time Swann's last words, instead of the +usual calming effect, had that of heating, instantly, to boiling-point +his astonishment at the discovery that a man with whom he himself +was actually sitting at table, a man who had no official position, no +honours or distinction of any sort, was on visiting terms with the Head +of the State. + +"What's that you say? M. Grévy? Do you know M. Grévy?" he demanded of +Swann, in the stupid and incredulous tone of a constable on duty at the +palace, when a stranger has come up and asked to see the President of +the Republic; until, guessing from his words and manner what, as the +newspapers say, 'it is a case of,' he assures the poor lunatic that he +will be admitted at once, and points the way to the reception ward of +the police infirmary. + +"I know him slightly; we have some friends in common" (Swann dared not +add that one of these friends was the Prince of Wales). "Anyhow, he is +very free with his invitations, and, I assure you, his luncheon-parties +are not the least bit amusing; they're very simple affairs, too, you +know; never more than eight at table," he went on, trying desperately +to cut out everything that seemed to shew off his relations with the +President in a light too dazzling for the Doctor's eyes. + +Whereupon Cottard, at once conforming in his mind to the literal +interpretation of what Swann was saying, decided that invitations from +M. Grévy were very little sought after, were sent out, in fact, into +the highways and hedge-rows. And from that moment he never seemed at +all surprised to hear that Swann, or anyone else, was 'always at +the Elysée'; he even felt a little sorry for a man who had to go to +luncheon-parties which, he himself admitted, were a bore. + +"Ah, good, good; that's quite all right then," he said, in the tone of +a customs official who has been suspicious up to now, but, after hearing +your explanations, stamps your passport and lets you proceed on your +journey without troubling to examine your luggage. + +"I can well believe you don't find them amusing, those parties; indeed, +it's very good of you to go to them!" said Mme. Verdurin, who regarded +the President of the Republic only as a 'bore' to be especially dreaded, +since he had at his disposal means of seduction, and even of compulsion, +which, if employed to captivate her 'faithful,' might easily make them +'fail.' "It seems, he's as deaf as a post; and eats with his fingers." + +"Upon my word! Then it can't be much fun for you, going there." A +note of pity sounded in the Doctor's voice; and then struck by the +number--only eight at table--"Are these luncheons what you would +describe as 'intimate'?" he inquired briskly, not so much out of idle +curiosity as in his linguistic zeal. + +But so great and glorious a figure was the President of the French +Republic in the eyes of Dr. Cottard that neither the modesty of Swann +nor the spite of Mme. Verdurin could ever wholly efface that first +impression, and he never sat down to dinner with the Verdurins without +asking anxiously, "D'you think we shall see M. Swann here this evening? +He is a personal friend of M. Grévy's. I suppose that means he's what +you'd call a 'gentleman'?" He even went to the length of offering Swann +a card of invitation to the Dental Exhibition. + +"This will let you in, and anyone you take with you," he explained, "but +dogs are not admitted. I'm just warning you, you understand, because +some friends of mine went there once, who hadn't been told, and there +was the devil to pay." + +As for M. Verdurin, he did not fail to observe the distressing effect +upon his wife of the discovery that Swann had influential friends of +whom he had never spoken. + +If no arrangement had been made to 'go anywhere,' it was at the +Verdurins' that Swann would find the 'little nucleus' assembled, but +he never appeared there except in the evenings, and would hardly ever +accept their invitations to dinner, in spite of Odette's entreaties. + +"I could dine with you alone somewhere, if you'd rather," she suggested. + +"But what about Mme. Verdurin?" + +"Oh, that's quite simple. I need only say that my dress wasn't ready, or +that my cab came late. There is always some excuse." + +"How charming of you." + +But Swann said to himself that, if he could make Odette feel (by +consenting to meet her only after dinner) that there were other +pleasures which he preferred to that of her company, then the desire +that she felt for his would be all the longer in reaching the point of +satiety. Besides, as he infinitely preferred to Odette's style of beauty +that of a little working girl, as fresh and plump as a rose, with whom +he happened to be simultaneously in love, he preferred to spend the +first part of the evening with her, knowing that he was sure to see +Odette later on. For the same reason, he would never allow Odette to +call for him at his house, to take him on to the Verdurins'. The little +girl used to wait, not far from his door, at a street corner; Rémi, his +coachman, knew where to stop; she would jump in beside him, and hold him +in her arms until the carriage drew up at the Verdurins'. He would enter +the drawing-room; and there, while Mme. Verdurin, pointing to the roses +which he had sent her that morning, said: "I am furious with you!" and +sent him to the place kept for him, by the side of Odette, the pianist +would play to them--for their two selves, and for no one else--that +little phrase by Vinteuil which was, so to speak, the national anthem of +their love. He began, always, with a sustained tremolo from the violin +part, which, for several bars, was unaccompanied, and filled all the +foreground; until suddenly it seemed to be drawn aside, and--just as in +those interiors by Pieter de Hooch, where the subject is set back a +long way through the narrow framework of a half-opened door--infinitely +remote, in colour quite different, velvety with the radiance of some +intervening light, the little phrase appeared, dancing, pastoral, +interpolated, episodic, belonging to another world. It passed, with +simple and immortal movements, scattering on every side the bounties of +its grace, smiling ineffably still; but Swann thought that he could now +discern in it some disenchantment. It seemed to be aware how vain, how +hollow was the happiness to which it shewed the way. In its airy grace +there was, indeed, something definitely achieved, and complete in +itself, like the mood of philosophic detachment which follows an +outburst of vain regret. But little did that matter to him; he looked +upon the sonata less in its own light--as what it might express, had, +in fact, expressed to a certain musician, ignorant that any Swann or +Odette, anywhere in the world, existed, when he composed it, and +would express to all those who should hear it played in centuries +to come--than as a pledge, a token of his love, which made even the +Verdurins and their little pianist think of Odette and, at the same +time, of himself--which bound her to him by a lasting tie; and at that +point he had (whimsically entreated by Odette) abandoned the idea of +getting some 'professional' to play over to him the whole sonata, of +which he still knew no more than this one passage. "Why do you want the +rest?" she had asked him. "Our little bit; that's all we need." He went +farther; agonised by the reflection, at the moment when it passed by +him, so near and yet so infinitely remote, that, while it was addressed +to their ears, it knew them not, he would regret, almost, that it had +a meaning of its own, an intrinsic and unalterable beauty, foreign to +themselves, just as in the jewels given to us, or even in the letters +written to us by a woman with whom we are in love, we find fault with +the 'water' of a stone, or with the words of a sentence because they are +not fashioned exclusively from the spirit of a fleeting intimacy and of +a 'lass unparalleled.' + +It would happen, as often as not, that he had stayed so long outside, +with his little girl, before going to the Verdurins' that, as soon as +the little phrase had been rendered by the pianist, Swann would discover +that it was almost time for Odette to go home. He used to take her back +as far as the door of her little house in the Rue La Pérouse, behind the +Arc de Triomphe. And it was perhaps on this account, and so as not to +demand the monopoly of her favours, that he sacrificed the pleasure (not +so essential to his well-being) of seeing her earlier in the evening, +of arriving with her at the Verdurins', to the exercise of this other +privilege, for which she was grateful, of their leaving together; a +privilege which he valued all the more because, thanks to it, he had +the feeling that no one else would see her, no one would thrust himself +between them, no one could prevent him from remaining with her in +spirit, after he had left her for the night. + +And so, night after night, she would be taken home in Swann's carriage; +and one night, after she had got down, and while he stood at the gate +and murmured "Till to-morrow, then!" she turned impulsively from him, +plucked a last lingering chrysanthemum in the tiny garden which flanked +the pathway from the street to her house, and as he went back to his +carriage thrust it into his hand. He held it pressed to his lips during +the drive home, and when, in due course, the flower withered, locked it +away, like something very precious, in a secret drawer of his desk. + +He would escort her to her gate, but no farther. Twice only had he gone +inside to take part in the ceremony--of such vital importance in her +life--of 'afternoon tea.' The loneliness and emptiness of those +short streets (consisting, almost entirely, of low-roofed houses, +self-contained but not detached, their monotony interrupted here and +there by the dark intrusion of some sinister little shop, at once +an historical document and a sordid survival from the days when the +district was still one of ill repute), the snow which had lain on the +garden-beds or clung to the branches of the trees, the careless disarray +of the season, the assertion, in this man-made city, of a state of +nature, had all combined to add an element of mystery to the warmth, the +flowers, the luxury which he had found inside. + +Passing by (on his left-hand side, and on what, although raised some way +above the street, was the ground floor of the house) Odette's bedroom, +which looked out to the back over another little street running parallel +with her own, he had climbed a staircase that went straight up between +dark painted walls, from which hung Oriental draperies, strings of +Turkish beads, and a huge Japanese lantern, suspended by a silken cord +from the ceiling (which last, however, so that her visitors should not +have to complain of the want of any of the latest comforts of +Western civilisation, was lighted by a gas-jet inside), to the two +drawing-rooms, large and small. These were entered through a narrow +lobby, the wall of which, chequered with the lozenges of a wooden +trellis such as you see on garden walls, only gilded, was lined from +end to end by a long rectangular box in which bloomed, as though in a +hothouse, a row of large chrysanthemums, at that time still +uncommon, though by no means so large as the mammoth blossoms which +horticulturists have since succeeded in making grow. Swann was +irritated, as a rule, by the sight of these flowers, which had then been +'the rage' in Paris for about a year, but it had pleased him, on this +occasion, to see the gloom of the little lobby shot with rays of pink +and gold and white by the fragrant petals of these ephemeral stars, +which kindle their cold fires in the murky atmosphere of winter +afternoons. Odette had received him in a tea-gown of pink silk, which +left her neck and arms bare. She had made him sit down beside her in one +of the many mysterious little retreats which had been contrived in the +various recesses of the room, sheltered by enormous palmtrees growing +out of pots of Chinese porcelain, or by screens upon which were fastened +photographs and fans and bows of ribbon. She had said at once, "You're +not comfortable there; wait a minute, I'll arrange things for you," and +with a titter of laughter, the complacency of which implied that +some little invention of her own was being brought into play, she +had installed behind his head and beneath his feet great cushions of +Japanese silk, which she pummelled and buffeted as though determined to +lavish on him all her riches, and regardless of their value. But when +her footman began to come into the room, bringing, one after another, +the innumerable lamps which (contained, mostly, in porcelain vases) +burned singly or in pairs upon the different pieces of furniture as upon +so many altars, rekindling in the twilight, already almost nocturnal, of +this winter afternoon, the glow of a sunset more lasting, more roseate, +more human--filling, perhaps, with romantic wonder the thoughts of +some solitary lover, wandering in the street below and brought to a +standstill before the mystery of the human presence which those lighted +windows at once revealed and screened from sight--she had kept an eye +sharply fixed on the servant, to see whether he set each of the lamps +down in the place appointed it. She felt that, if he were to put +even one of them where it ought not to be, the general effect of her +drawing-room would be destroyed, and that her portrait, which rested +upon a sloping easel draped with plush, would not catch the light. And +so, with feverish impatience, she followed the man's clumsy movements, +scolding him severely when he passed too close to a pair of beaupots, +which she made a point of always tidying herself, in case the plants +should be knocked over--and went across to them now to make sure that he +had not broken off any of the flowers. She found something 'quaint' in +the shape of each of her Chinese ornaments, and also in her orchids, the +cattleyas especially (these being, with chrysanthemums, her favourite +flowers), because they had the supreme merit of not looking in the least +like other flowers, but of being made, apparently, out of scraps of silk +or satin. "It looks just as though it had been cut out of the lining +of my cloak," she said to Swann, pointing to an orchid, with a shade of +respect in her voice for so 'smart' a flower, for this distinguished, +unexpected sister whom nature had suddenly bestowed upon her, so far +removed from her in the scale of existence, and yet so delicate, so +refined, so much more worthy than many real women of admission to +her drawing-room. As she drew his attention, now to the fiery-tongued +dragons painted upon a bowl or stitched upon a fire-screen, now to a +fleshy cluster of orchids, now to a dromedary of inlaid silver-work with +ruby eyes, which kept company, upon her mantelpiece, with a toad carved +in jade, she would pretend now to be shrinking from the ferocity of the +monsters or laughing at their absurdity, now blushing at the indecency +of the flowers, now carried away by an irresistible desire to run across +and kiss the toad and dromedary, calling them 'darlings.' And these +affectations were in sharp contrast to the sincerity of some of her +attitudes, notably her devotion to Our Lady of the Laghetto who had +once, when Odette was living at Nice, cured her of a mortal illness, and +whose medal, in gold, she always carried on her person, attributing +to it unlimited powers. She poured out Swann's tea, inquired "Lemon +or cream?" and, on his answering "Cream, please," went on, smiling, "A +cloud!" And as he pronounced it excellent, "You see, I know just how you +like it." This tea had indeed seemed to Swann, just as it seemed to +her, something precious, and love is so far obliged to find some +justification for itself, some guarantee of its duration in pleasures +which, on the contrary, would have no existence apart from love and must +cease with its passing, that when he left her, at seven o'clock, to go +and dress for the evening, all the way home, sitting bolt upright in +his brougham, unable to repress the happiness with which the afternoon's +adventure had filled him, he kept on repeating to himself: "What fun +it would be to have a little woman like that in a place where one could +always be certain of finding, what one never can be certain of finding, +a really good cup of tea." An hour or so later he received a note from +Odette, and at once recognised that florid handwriting, in which an +affectation of British stiffness imposed an apparent discipline upon its +shapeless characters, significant, perhaps, to less intimate eyes +than his, of an untidiness of mind, a fragmentary education, a want of +sincerity and decision. Swann had left his cigarette-case at her house. +"Why," she wrote, "did you not forget your heart also? I should never +have let you have that back." + +More important, perhaps, was a second visit which he paid her, a little +later. On his way to the house, as always when he knew that they were to +meet, he formed a picture of her in his mind; and the necessity, if he +was to find any beauty in her face, of fixing his eyes on the fresh and +rosy protuberance of her cheekbones, and of shutting out all the rest of +those cheeks which were so often languorous and sallow, except when +they were punctuated with little fiery spots, plunged him in acute +depression, as proving that one's ideal is always unattainable, and +one's actual happiness mediocre. He was taking her an engraving which +she had asked to see. She was not very well; she received him, wearing +a wrapper of mauve _crêpe de Chine_, which draped her bosom, like a +mantle, with a richly embroidered web. As she stood there beside him, +brushing his cheek with the loosened tresses of her hair, bending one +knee in what was almost a dancer's pose, so that she could lean without +tiring herself over the picture, at which she was gazing, with bended +head, out of those great eyes, which seemed so weary and so sullen when +there was nothing to animate her, Swann was struck by her resemblance to +the figure of Zipporah, Jethro's Daughter, which is to be seen in one +of the Sistine frescoes. He had always found a peculiar fascination +in tracing in the paintings of the Old Masters, not merely the general +characteristics of the people whom he encountered in his daily life, but +rather what seems least susceptible of generalisation, the individual +features of men and women whom he knew, as, for instance, in a bust +of the Doge Loredan by Antonio Rizzo, the prominent cheekbones, the +slanting eyebrows, in short, a speaking likeness to his own coachman +Rémi; in the colouring of a Ghirlandaio, the nose of M. de Palancy; in a +portrait by Tintoretto, the invasion of the plumpness of the cheek by an +outcrop of whisker, the broken nose, the penetrating stare, the swollen +eyelids of Dr. du Boulbon. Perhaps because he had always regretted, +in his heart, that he had confined his attention to the social side of +life, had talked, always, rather than acted, he felt that he might find +a sort of indulgence bestowed upon him by those great artists, in his +perception of the fact that they also had regarded with pleasure and had +admitted into the canon of their works such types of physiognomy as give +those works the strongest possible certificate of reality and trueness +to life; a modern, almost a topical savour; perhaps, also, he had so far +succumbed to the prevailing frivolity of the world of fashion that he +felt the necessity of finding in an old masterpiece some such obvious +and refreshing allusion to a person about whom jokes could be made and +repeated and enjoyed to-day. Perhaps, on the other hand, he had +retained enough of the artistic temperament to be able to find a genuine +satisfaction in watching these individual features take on a more +general significance when he saw them, uprooted and disembodied, in the +abstract idea of similarity between an historic portrait and a modern +original, whom it was not intended to represent. However that might be, +and perhaps because the abundance of impressions which he, for some time +past, had been receiving--though, indeed, they had come to him rather +through the channel of his appreciation of music--had enriched his +appetite for painting as well, it was with an unusual intensity +of pleasure, a pleasure destined to have a lasting effect upon his +character and conduct, that Swann remarked Odette's resemblance to the +Zipporah of that Alessandro de Mariano, to whom one shrinks from giving +his more popular surname, now that 'Botticelli' suggests not so much the +actual work of the Master as that false and banal conception of it which +has of late obtained common currency. He no longer based his estimate +of the merit of Odette's face on the more or less good quality of her +cheeks, and the softness and sweetness--as of carnation-petals--which, +he supposed, would greet his lips there, should he ever hazard an +embrace, but regarded it rather as a skein of subtle and lovely silken +threads, which his gazing eyes collected and wound together, following +the curving line from the skein to the ball, where he mingled the +cadence of her neck with the spring of her hair and the droop of her +eyelids, as though from a portrait of herself, in which her type was +made clearly intelligible. + +He stood gazing at her; traces of the old fresco were apparent in +her face and limbs, and these he tried incessantly, afterwards, to +recapture, both when he was with Odette, and when he was only thinking +of her in her absence; and, albeit his admiration for the Florentine +masterpiece was probably based upon his discovery that it had been +reproduced in her, the similarity enhanced her beauty also, and rendered +her more precious in his sight. Swann reproached himself with his +failure, hitherto, to estimate at her true worth a creature whom the +great Sandro would have adored, and counted himself fortunate that his +pleasure in the contemplation of Odette found a justification in his own +system of aesthetic. He told himself that, in choosing the thought of +Odette as the inspiration of his dreams of ideal happiness, he was not, +as he had until then supposed, falling back, merely, upon an expedient +of doubtful and certainly inadequate value, since she contained in +herself what satisfied the utmost refinement of his taste in art. He +failed to observe that this quality would not naturally avail to bring +Odette into the category of women whom he found desirable, simply +because his desires had always run counter to his aesthetic taste. The +words 'Florentine painting' were invaluable to Swann. They enabled him +(gave him, as it were, a legal title) to introduce the image of Odette +into a world of dreams and fancies which, until then, she had been +debarred from entering, and where she assumed a new and nobler form. And +whereas the mere sight of her in the flesh, by perpetually reviving his +misgivings as to the quality of her face, her figure, the whole of her +beauty, used to cool the ardour of his love, those misgivings were swept +away and that love confirmed now that he could re-erect his estimate of +her on the sure foundations of his aesthetic principles; while the kiss, +the bodily surrender which would have seemed natural and but moderately +attractive, had they been granted him by a creature of somewhat withered +flesh and sluggish blood, coming, as now they came, to crown his +adoration of a masterpiece in a gallery, must, it seemed, prove as +exquisite as they would be supernatural. + +And when he was tempted to regret that, for months past, he had done +nothing but visit Odette, he would assure himself that he was +not unreasonable in giving up much of his time to the study of an +inestimably precious work of art, cast for once in a new, a different, +an especially charming metal, in an unmatched exemplar which he would +contemplate at one moment with the humble, spiritual, disinterested mind +of an artist, at another with the pride, the selfishness, the sensual +thrill of a collector. + +On his study table, at which he worked, he had placed, as it were a +photograph of Odette, a reproduction of Jethro's Daughter. He would +gaze in admiration at the large eyes, the delicate features in which the +imperfection of her skin might be surmised, the marvellous locks of hair +that fell along her tired cheeks; and, adapting what he had already felt +to be beautiful, on aesthetic grounds, to the idea of a living woman, +he converted it into a series of physical merits which he congratulated +himself on finding assembled in the person of one whom he might, +ultimately, possess. The vague feeling of sympathy which attracts a +spectator to a work of art, now that he knew the type, in warm flesh +and blood, of Jethro's Daughter, became a desire which more than +compensated, thenceforward, for that with which Odette's physical charms +had at first failed to inspire him. When he had sat for a long time +gazing at the Botticelli, he would think of his own living Botticelli, +who seemed all the lovelier in contrast, and as he drew towards him +the photograph of Zipporah he would imagine that he was holding Odette +against his heart. + +It was not only Odette's indifference, however, that he must take pains +to circumvent; it was also, not infrequently, his own; feeling that, +since Odette had had every facility for seeing him, she seemed no longer +to have very much to say to him when they did meet, he was afraid +lest the manner--at once trivial, monotonous, and seemingly +unalterable--which she now adopted when they were together should +ultimately destroy in him that romantic hope, that a day might come when +she would make avowal of her passion, by which hope alone he had become +and would remain her lover. And so to alter, to give a fresh moral +aspect to that Odette, of whose unchanging mood he was afraid of growing +weary, he wrote, suddenly, a letter full of hinted discoveries and +feigned indignation, which he sent off so that it should reach her +before dinner-time. He knew that she would be frightened, and that she +would reply, and he hoped that, when the fear of losing him clutched at +her heart, it would force from her words such as he had never yet heard +her utter: and he was right--by repeating this device he had won from +her the most affectionate letters that she had, so far, written him, one +of them (which she had sent to him at midday by a special messenger from +the Maison Dorée--it was the day of the Paris-Murcie Fête given for +the victims of the recent floods in Murcia) beginning "My dear, my hand +trembles so that I can scarcely write----"; and these letters he had +kept in the same drawer as the withered chrysanthemum. Or else, if she +had not had time to write, when he arrived at the Verdurins' she would +come running up to him with an "I've something to say to you!" and he +would gaze curiously at the revelation in her face and speech of what +she had hitherto kept concealed from him of her heart. + +Even as he drew near to the Verdurins' door, and caught sight of the +great lamp-lit spaces of the drawing-room windows, whose shutters were +never closed, he would begin to melt at the thought of the charming +creature whom he would see, as he entered the room, basking in that +golden light. Here and there the figures of the guests stood out, sharp +and black, between lamp and window, shutting off the light, like those +little pictures which one sees sometimes pasted here and there upon a +glass screen, whose other panes are mere transparencies. He would try +to make out Odette. And then, when he was once inside, without thinking, +his eyes sparkled suddenly with such radiant happiness that M. Verdurin +said to the painter: "H'm. Seems to be getting warm." Indeed, her +presence gave the house what none other of the houses that he visited +seemed to possess: a sort of tactual sense, a nervous system which +ramified into each of its rooms and sent a constant stimulus to his +heart. + +And so the simple and regular manifestations of a social organism, +namely the 'little clan,' were transformed for Swann into a series of +daily encounters with Odette, and enabled him to feign indifference to +the prospect of seeing her, or even a desire not to see her; in doing +which he incurred no very great risk since, even although he had written +to her during the day, he would of necessity see her in the evening and +accompany her home. + +But one evening, when, irritated by the thought of that inevitable dark +drive together, he had taken his other 'little girl' all the way to the +Bois, so as to delay as long as possible the moment of his appearance at +the Verdurins', he was so late in reaching them that Odette, supposing +that he did not intend to come, had already left. Seeing the room bare +of her, Swann felt his heart wrung by sudden anguish; he shook with the +sense that he was being deprived of a pleasure whose intensity he began +then for the first time to estimate, having always, hitherto, had that +certainty of finding it whenever he would, which (as in the case of +all our pleasures) reduced, if it did not altogether blind him to its +dimensions. + +"Did you notice the face he pulled when he saw that she wasn't here?" M. +Verdurin asked his wife. "I think we may say that he's hooked." + +"The face he pulled?" exploded Dr. Cottard who, having left the house +for a moment to visit a patient, had just returned to fetch his wife and +did not know whom they were discussing. + +"D'you mean to say you didn't meet him on the doorstep--the loveliest of +Swanns?" + +"No. M. Swann has been here?" + +"Just for a moment. We had a glimpse of a Swann tremendously agitated. +In a state of nerves. You see, Odette had left." + +"You mean to say that she has gone the 'whole hog' with him; that she +has 'burned her boats'?" inquired the Doctor cautiously, testing the +meaning of his phrases. + +"Why, of course not; there's absolutely nothing in it; in fact, between +you and me, I think she's making a great mistake, and behaving like a +silly little fool, which she is, incidentally." + +"Come, come, come!" said M. Verdurin, "How on earth do you know that +there's 'nothing in it'? We haven't been there to see, have we now?" + +"She would have told me," answered Mme. Verdurin with dignity. "I may +say that she tells me everything. As she has no one else at present, I +told her that she ought to live with him. She makes out that she can't; +she admits, she was immensely attracted by him, at first; but he's +always shy with her, and that makes her shy with him. Besides, she +doesn't care for him in that way, she says; it's an ideal love, +'Platonic,' you know; she's afraid of rubbing the bloom off--oh, I don't +know half the things she says, how should I? And yet he's exactly the +sort of man she wants." + +"I beg to differ from you," M. Verdurin courteously interrupted. "I am +only half satisfied with the gentleman. I feel that he 'poses.'" + +Mme. Verdurin's whole body stiffened, her eyes stared blankly as though +she had suddenly been turned into a statue; a device by means of which +she might be supposed not to have caught the sound of that unutterable +word which seemed to imply that it was possible for people to 'pose' +in her house, and, therefore, that there were people in the world who +'mattered more' than herself. + +"Anyhow, if there is nothing in it, I don't suppose it's because our +friend believes in her virtue. And yet, you never know; he seems to +believe in her intelligence. I don't know whether you heard the way he +lectured her the other evening about Vinteuil's sonata. I am devoted +to Odette, but really--to expound theories of aesthetic to her--the man +must be a prize idiot." + +"Look here, I won't have you saying nasty things about Odette," broke in +Mme. Verdurin in her 'spoiled child' manner. "She is charming." + +"There's no reason why she shouldn't be charming; we are not saying +anything nasty about her, only that she is not the embodiment of either +virtue or intellect. After all," he turned to the painter, "does it +matter so very much whether she is virtuous or not? You can't tell; she +might be a great deal less charming if she were." + +On the landing Swann had run into the Verdurins' butler, who had been +somewhere else a moment earlier, when he arrived, and who had been asked +by Odette to tell Swann (but that was at least an hour ago) that she +would probably stop to drink a cup of chocolate at Prévost's on her +way home. Swann set off at once for Prévost's, but every few yards +his carriage was held up by others, or by people crossing the street, +loathsome obstacles each of which he would gladly have crushed beneath +his wheels, were it not that a policeman fumbling with a note-book would +delay him even longer than the actual passage of the pedestrian. He +counted the minutes feverishly, adding a few seconds to each so as to +be quite certain that he had not given himself short measure, and so, +possibly, exaggerated whatever chance there might actually be of his +arriving at Prévost's in time, and of finding her still there. And then, +in a moment of illumination, like a man in a fever who awakes from sleep +and is conscious of the absurdity of the dream-shapes among which his +mind has been wandering without any clear distinction between himself +and them, Swann suddenly perceived how foreign to his nature were the +thoughts which he had been revolving in his mind ever since he had heard +at the Verdurins' that Odette had left, how novel the heartache from +which he was suffering, but of which he was only now conscious, as +though he had just woken up. What! all this disturbance simply because +he would not see Odette, now, till to-morrow, exactly what he had been +hoping, not an hour before, as he drove toward Mme. Verdurin's. He was +obliged to admit also that now, as he sat in the same carriage and +drove to Prévost's, he was no longer the same man, was no longer alone +even--but that a new personality was there beside him, adhering to him, +amalgamated with him, a creature from whom he might, perhaps, be unable +to liberate himself, towards whom he might have to adopt some such +stratagem as one uses to outwit a master or a malady. And yet, during +this last moment in which he had felt that another, a fresh personality +was thus conjoined with his own, life had seemed, somehow, more +interesting. + +It was in vain that he assured himself that this possible meeting at +Prévost's (the tension of waiting for which so ravished, stripped so +bare the intervening moments that he could find nothing, not one idea, +not one memory in his mind beneath which his troubled spirit might take +shelter and repose) would probably, after all, should it take place, be +much the same as all their meetings, of no great importance. As on every +other evening, once he was in Odette's company, once he had begun to +cast furtive glances at her changing countenance, and instantly to +withdraw his eyes lest she should read in them the first symbols of +desire and believe no more in his indifference, he would cease to +be able even to think of her, so busy would he be in the search for +pretexts which would enable him not to leave her immediately, and to +assure himself, without betraying his concern, that he would find her +again, next evening, at the Verdurins'; pretexts, that is to say, which +would enable him to prolong for the time being, and to renew for one day +more the disappointment, the torturing deception that must always come +to him with the vain presence of this woman, whom he might approach, yet +never dared embrace. + +She was not at Prevost's; he must search for her, then, in every +restaurant upon the boulevards. To save time, while he went in one +direction, he sent in the other his coachman Rémi (Rizzo's Doge Loredan) +for whom he presently--after a fruitless search--found himself waiting +at the spot where the carriage was to meet him. It did not appear, and +Swann tantalised himself with alternate pictures of the approaching +moment, as one in which Rémi would say to him: "Sir, the lady is there," +or as one in which Rémi would say to him: "Sir, the lady was not in +any of the cafés." And so he saw himself faced by the close of his +evening--a thing uniform, and yet bifurcated by the intervening accident +which would either put an end to his agony by discovering Odette, or +would oblige him to abandon any hope of finding her that night, to +accept the necessity of returning home without having seen her. + +The coachman returned; but, as he drew up opposite him, Swann asked, +not "Did you find the lady?" but "Remind me, to-morrow, to order in +some more firewood. I am sure we must be running short." Perhaps he had +persuaded himself that, if Rémi had at last found Odette in some café, +where she was waiting for him still, then his night of misery was +already obliterated by the realisation, begun already in his mind, of a +night of joy, and that there was no need for him to hasten towards the +attainment of a happiness already captured and held in a safe place, +which would not escape his grasp again. But it was also by the force of +inertia; there was in his soul that want of adaptability which can be +seen in the bodies of certain people who, when the moment comes to avoid +a collision, to snatch their clothes out of reach of a flame, or to +perform any other such necessary movement, take their time (as the +saying is), begin by remaining for a moment in their original position, +as though seeking to find in it a starting-point, a source of strength +and motion. And probably, if the coachman had interrupted him with, +"I have found the lady," he would have answered, "Oh, yes, of course; +that's what I told you to do. I had quite forgotten," and would have +continued to discuss his supply of firewood, so as to hide from his +servant the emotion that he had felt, and to give himself time to break +away from the thraldom of his anxieties and abandon himself to pleasure. + +The coachman came back, however, with the report that he could not find +her anywhere, and added the advice, as an old and privileged servant, "I +think, sir, that all we can do now is to go home." + +But the air of indifference which Swann could so lightly assume when +Rémi uttered his final, unalterable response, fell from him like a +cast-off cloak when he saw Rémi attempt to make him abandon hope and +retire from the quest. + +"Certainly not!" he exclaimed. "We must find the lady. It is most +important. She would be extremely put out--it's a business matter--and +vexed with me if she didn't see me." + +"But I do not see how the lady can be vexed, sir," answered Rémi, "since +it was she that went away without waiting for you, sir, and said she was +going to Prévost's, and then wasn't there." + +Meanwhile the restaurants were closing, and their lights began to go +out. Under the trees of the boulevards there were still a few people +strolling to and fro, barely distinguishable in the gathering darkness. +Now and then the ghost of a woman glided up to Swann, murmured a few +words in his ear, asked him to take her home, and left him shuddering. +Anxiously he explored every one of these vaguely seen shapes, as though +among the phantoms of the dead, in the realms of darkness, he had been +searching for a lost Eurydice. + +Among all the methods by which love is brought into being, among all the +agents which disseminate that blessed bane, there are few so efficacious +as the great gust of agitation which, now and then, sweeps over the +human spirit. For then the creature in whose company we are seeking +amusement at the moment, her lot is cast, her fate and ours decided, +that is the creature whom we shall henceforward love. It is not +necessary that she should have pleased us, up till then, any more, or +even as much as others. All that is necessary is that our taste for her +should become exclusive. And that condition is fulfilled so soon as--in +the moment when she has failed to meet us--for the pleasure which +we were on the point of enjoying in her charming company is abruptly +substituted an anxious torturing desire, whose object is the creature +herself, an irrational, absurd desire, which the laws of civilised +society make it impossible to satisfy and difficult to assuage--the +insensate, agonising desire to possess her. + +Swann made Rémi drive him to such restaurants as were still open; it was +the sole hypothesis, now, of that happiness which he had contemplated +so calmly; he no longer concealed his agitation, the price he set upon +their meeting, and promised, in case of success, to reward his coachman, +as though, by inspiring in him a will to triumph which would reinforce +his own, he could bring it to pass, by a miracle, that Odette--assuming +that she had long since gone home to bed,--might yet be found seated in +some restaurant on the boulevards. He pursued the quest as far as the +Maison Dorée, burst twice into Tortoni's and, still without catching +sight of her, was emerging from the Café Anglais, striding with haggard +gaze towards his carriage, which was waiting for him at the corner of +the Boulevard des Italiens, when he collided with a person coming in the +opposite direction; it was Odette; she explained, later, that there had +been no room at Prévost's, that she had gone, instead, to sup at the +Maison Dorée, and had been sitting there in an alcove where he must have +overlooked her, and that she was now looking for her carriage. + +She had so little expected to see him that she started back in alarm. As +for him, he had ransacked the streets of Paris, not that he supposed +it possible that he should find her, but because he would have suffered +even more cruelly by abandoning the attempt. But now the joy (which, his +reason had never ceased to assure him, was not, that evening at least, +to be realised) was suddenly apparent, and more real than ever +before; for he himself had contributed nothing to it by anticipating +probabilities,--it remained integral and external to himself; there +was no need for him to draw on his own resources to endow it with +truth--'twas from itself that there emanated, 'twas itself that +projected towards him that truth whose glorious rays melted and +scattered like the cloud of a dream the sense of loneliness which had +lowered over him, that truth upon which he had supported, nay founded, +albeit unconsciously, his vision of bliss. So will a traveller, who has +come down, on a day of glorious weather, to the Mediterranean shore, and +is doubtful whether they still exist, those lands which he has left, let +his eyes be dazzled, rather than cast a backward glance, by the radiance +streaming towards him from the luminous and unfading azure at his feet. + +He climbed after her into the carriage which she had kept waiting, and +ordered his own to follow. + +She had in her hand a bunch of cattleyas, and Swann could see, beneath +the film of lace that covered her head, more of the same flowers +fastened to a swansdown plume. She was wearing, under her cloak, a +flowing gown of black velvet, caught up on one side so as to reveal a +large triangular patch of her white silk skirt, with an 'insertion,' +also of white silk, in the cleft of her low-necked bodice, in which were +fastened a few more cattleyas. She had scarcely recovered from the shock +which the sight of Swann had given her, when some obstacle made the +horse start to one side. They were thrown forward from their seats; she +uttered a cry, and fell back quivering and breathless. + +"It's all right," he assured her, "don't be frightened." And he slipped +his arm round her shoulder, supporting her body against his own; then +went on: "Whatever you do, don't utter a word; just make a sign, yes +or no, or you'll be out of breath again. You won't mind if I put the +flowers straight on your bodice; the jolt has loosened them. I'm afraid +of their dropping out; I'm just going to fasten them a little more +securely." + +She was not used to being treated with so much formality by men, and +smiled as she answered: "No, not at all; I don't mind in the least." + +But he, chilled a little by her answer, perhaps, also, to bear out the +pretence that he had been sincere in adopting the stratagem, or even +because he was already beginning to believe that he had been, exclaimed: +"No, no; you mustn't speak. You will be out of breath again. You can +easily answer in signs; I shall understand. Really and truly now, you +don't mind my doing this? Look, there is a little--I think it must be +pollen, spilt over your dress,--may I brush it off with my hand? That's +not too hard; I'm not hurting you, am I? I'm tickling you, perhaps, a +little; but I don't want to touch the velvet in case I rub it the wrong +way. But, don't you see, I really had to fasten the flowers; they would +have fallen out if I hadn't. Like that, now; if I just push them a +little farther down.... Seriously, I'm not annoying you, am I? And if +I just sniff them to see whether they've really lost all their scent? I +don't believe I ever smelt any before; may I? Tell the truth, now." + +Still smiling, she shrugged her shoulders ever so slightly, as who +should say, "You're quite mad; you know very well that I like it." + +He slipped his other hand upwards along Odette's cheek; she fixed her +eyes on him with that languishing and solemn air which marks the women +of the old Florentine's paintings, in whose faces he had found the type +of hers; swimming at the brink of her fringed lids, her brilliant eyes, +large and finely drawn as theirs, seemed on the verge of breaking from +her face and rolling down her cheeks like two great tears. She bent her +neck, as all their necks may be seen to bend, in the pagan scenes as +well as in the scriptural. And although her attitude was, doubtless, +habitual and instinctive, one which she knew to be appropriate to such +moments, and was careful not to forget to assume, she seemed to need all +her strength to hold her face back, as though some invisible force +were drawing it down towards Swann's. And Swann it was who, before she +allowed her face, as though despite her efforts, to fall upon his lips, +held it back for a moment longer, at a little distance between his +hands. He had intended to leave time for her mind to overtake her body's +movements, to recognise the dream which she had so long cherished and to +assist at its realisation, like a mother invited as a spectator when +a prize is given to the child whom she has reared and loves. Perhaps, +moreover, Swann himself was fixing upon these features of an Odette not +yet possessed, not even kissed by him, on whom he was looking now for +the last time, that comprehensive gaze with which, on the day of his +departure, a traveller strives to bear away with him in memory the view +of a country to which he may never return. + +But he was so shy in approaching her that, after this evening which +had begun by his arranging her cattleyas and had ended in her complete +surrender, whether from fear of chilling her, or from reluctance to +appear, even retrospectively, to have lied, or perhaps because he lacked +the audacity to formulate a more urgent requirement than this (which +could always be repeated, since it had not annoyed her on the first +occasion), he resorted to the same pretext on the following days. If +she had any cattleyas pinned to her bodice, he would say: "It is most +unfortunate; the cattleyas don't need tucking in this evening; they've +not been disturbed as they were the other night; I think, though, that +this one isn't quite straight. May I see if they have more scent than +the others?" Or else, if she had none: "Oh! no cattleyas this evening; +then there's nothing for me to arrange." So that for some time there +was no change from the procedure which he had followed on that first +evening, when he had started by touching her throat, with his fingers +first and then with his lips, but their caresses began invariably with +this modest exploration. And long afterwards, when the arrangement (or, +rather, the ritual pretence of an arrangement) of her cattleyas had +quite fallen into desuetude, the metaphor "Do a cattleya," transmuted +into a simple verb which they would employ without a thought of its +original meaning when they wished to refer to the act of physical +possession (in which, paradoxically, the possessor possesses nothing), +survived to commemorate in their vocabulary the long forgotten custom +from which it sprang. And yet possibly this particular manner of saying +"to make love" had not the precise significance of its synonyms. +However disillusioned we may be about women, however we may regard +the possession of even the most divergent types as an invariable +and monotonous experience, every detail of which is known and can be +described in advance, it still becomes a fresh and stimulating pleasure +if the women concerned be--or be thought to be--so difficult as to +oblige us to base our attack upon some unrehearsed incident in our +relations with them, as was originally for Swann the arrangement of the +cattleyas. He trembled as he hoped, that evening, (but Odette, he told +himself, if she were deceived by his stratagem, could not guess his +intention) that it was the possession of this woman that would emerge +for him from their large and richly coloured petals; and the pleasure +which he already felt, and which Odette tolerated, he thought, perhaps +only because she was not yet aware of it herself, seemed to him for that +reason--as it might have seemed to the first man when he enjoyed it amid +the flowers of the earthly paradise--a pleasure which had never before +existed, which he was striving now to create, a pleasure--and the +special name which he was to give to it preserved its identity--entirely +individual and new. + +The ice once broken, every evening, when he had taken her home, he must +follow her into the house; and often she would come out again in her +dressing-gown, and escort him to his carriage, and would kiss him before +the eyes of his coachman, saying: "What on earth does it matter what +people see?" And on evenings when he did not go to the Verdurins' (which +happened occasionally, now that he had opportunities of meeting Odette +elsewhere), when--more and more rarely--he went into society, she would +beg him to come to her on his way home, however late he might be. The +season was spring, the nights clear and frosty. He would come away from +an evening party, jump into his victoria, spread a rug over his knees, +tell the friends who were leaving at the same time, and who insisted on +his going home with them, that he could not, that he was not going +in their direction; then the coachman would start off at a fast trot +without further orders, knowing quite well where he had to go. His +friends would be left marvelling, and, as a matter of fact, Swann was +no longer the same man. No one ever received a letter from him now +demanding an introduction to a woman. He had ceased to pay any attention +to women, and kept away from the places in which they were ordinarily to +be met. In a restaurant, or in the country, his manner was deliberately +and directly the opposite of that by which, only a few days earlier, +his friends would have recognised him, that manner which had seemed +permanently and unalterably his own. To such an extent does passion +manifest itself in us as a temporary and distinct character, which not +only takes the place of our normal character but actually obliterates +the signs by which that character has hitherto been discernible. On the +other hand, there was one thing that was, now, invariable, namely that +wherever Swann might be spending the evening, he never failed to go on +afterwards to Odette. The interval of space separating her from him +was one which he must as inevitably traverse as he must descend, by an +irresistible gravitation, the steep slope of life itself. To be frank, +as often as not, when he had stayed late at a party, he would have +preferred to return home at once, without going so far out of his way, +and to postpone their meeting until the morrow; but the very fact of his +putting himself to such inconvenience at an abnormal hour in order to +visit her, while he guessed that his friends, as he left them, were +saying to one another: "He is tied hand and foot; there must certainly +be a woman somewhere who insists on his going to her at all hours," +made him feel that he was leading the life of the class of men whose +existence is coloured by a love-affair, and in whom the perpetual +sacrifice which they are making of their comfort and of their practical +interests has engendered a spiritual charm. Then, though he may not +consciously have taken this into consideration, the certainty that she +was waiting for him, that she was not anywhere or with anyone else, that +he would see her before he went home, drew the sting from that anguish, +forgotten, it is true, but latent and ever ready to be reawakened, which +he had felt on the evening when Odette had left the Verdurins' before +his arrival, an anguish the actual cessation of which was so agreeable +that it might even be called a state of happiness. Perhaps it was to +that hour of anguish that there must be attributed the importance which +Odette had since assumed in his life. Other people are, as a rule, so +immaterial to us that, when we have entrusted to any one of them the +power to cause so much suffering or happiness to ourselves, that person +seems at once to belong to a different universe, is surrounded with +poetry, makes of our lives a vast expanse, quick with sensation, on +which that person and ourselves are ever more or less in contact. Swann +could not without anxiety ask himself what Odette would mean to him +in the years that were to come. Sometimes, as he looked up from his +victoria on those fine and frosty nights of early spring, and saw the +dazzling moonbeams fall between his eyes and the deserted streets, he +would think of that other face, gleaming and faintly roseate like the +moon's, which had, one day, risen on the horizon of his mind and since +then had shed upon the world that mysterious light in which he saw it +bathed. If he arrived after the hour at which Odette sent her servants +to bed, before ringing the bell at the gate of her little garden, +he would go round first into the other street, over which, at the +ground-level, among the windows (all exactly alike, but darkened) of +the adjoining houses, shone the solitary lighted window of her room. +He would rap upon the pane, and she would hear the signal, and answer, +before running to meet him at the gate. He would find, lying open on the +piano, some of her favourite music, the _Valse des Roses_, the _Pauvre +Fou_ of Tagliafico (which, according to the instructions embodied in her +will, was to be played at her funeral); but he would ask her, instead, +to give him the little phrase from Vinteuil's sonata. It was true that +Odette played vilely, but often the fairest impression that remains in +our minds of a favourite air is one which has arisen out of a jumble +of wrong notes struck by unskilful fingers upon a tuneless piano. The +little phrase was associated still, in Swann's mind, with his love for +Odette. He felt clearly that this love was something to which there were +no corresponding external signs, whose meaning could not be proved by +any but himself; he realised, too, that Odette's qualities were not such +as to justify his setting so high a value on the hours he spent in +her company. And often, when the cold government of reason stood +unchallenged, he would readily have ceased to sacrifice so many of his +intellectual and social interests to this imaginary pleasure. But the +little phrase, as soon as it struck his ear, had the power to liberate +in him the room that was needed to contain it; the proportions of +Swann's soul were altered; a margin was left for a form of enjoyment +which corresponded no more than his love for Odette to any external +object, and yet was not, like his enjoyment of that love, purely +individual, but assumed for him an objective reality superior to that +of other concrete things. This thirst for an untasted charm, the little +phrase would stimulate it anew in him, but without bringing him any +definite gratification to assuage it. With the result that those parts +of Swann's soul in which the little phrase had obliterated all care +for material interests, those human considerations which affect all men +alike, were left bare by it, blank pages on which he was at liberty to +inscribe the name of Odette. Moreover, where Odette's affection might +seem ever so little abrupt and disappointing, the little phrase would +come to supplement it, to amalgamate with it its own mysterious essence. +Watching Swann's face while he listened to the phrase, one would have +said that he was inhaling an anaesthetic which allowed him to breathe +more deeply. And the pleasure which the music gave him, which was +shortly to create in him a real longing, was in fact closely akin, +at such moments, to the pleasure which he would have derived from +experimenting with perfumes, from entering into contract with a world +for which we men were not created, which appears to lack form because +our eyes cannot perceive it, to lack significance because it escapes +our intelligence, to which we may attain by way of one sense only. Deep +repose, mysterious refreshment for Swann,--for him whose eyes, although +delicate interpreters of painting, whose mind, although an acute +observer of manners, must bear for ever the indelible imprint of the +barrenness of his life,--to feel himself transformed into a creature +foreign to humanity, blinded, deprived of his logical faculty, almost +a fantastic unicorn, a chimaera-like creature conscious of the world +through his two ears alone. And as, notwithstanding, he sought in the +little phrase for a meaning to which his intelligence could not descend, +with what a strange frenzy of intoxication must he strip bare his +innermost soul of the whole armour of reason, and make it pass, +unattended, through the straining vessel, down into the dark filter of +sound. He began to reckon up how much that was painful, perhaps even how +much secret and unappeased sorrow underlay the sweetness of the phrase; +and yet to him it brought no suffering. What matter though the phrase +repeated that love is frail and fleeting, when his love was so strong! +He played with the melancholy which the phrase diffused, he felt it +stealing over him, but like a caress which only deepened and sweetened +his sense of his own happiness. He would make Odette play him the phrase +again, ten, twenty times on end, insisting that, while she played, she +must never cease to kiss him. Every kiss provokes another. Ah, in those +earliest days of love how naturally the kisses spring into life. How +closely, in their abundance, are they pressed one against another; until +lovers would find it as hard to count the kisses exchanged in an hour, +as to count the flowers in a meadow in May. Then she would pretend to +stop, saying: "How do you expect me to play when you keep on holding me? +I can't do everything at once. Make up your mind what you want; am I to +play the phrase or do you want to play with me?" Then he would become +annoyed, and she would burst out with a laugh which was transformed, as +it left her lips, and descended upon him in a shower of kisses. Or else +she would look at him sulkily, and he would see once again a face worthy +to figure in Botticelli's 'Life of Moses,' he would place it there, +giving to Odette's neck the necessary inclination; and when he had +finished her portrait in distemper, in the fifteenth century, on the +wall of the Sixtine, the idea that she was, none the less, in the room +with him still, by the piano, at that very moment, ready to be kissed +and won, the idea of her material existence, of her being alive, would +sweep over him with so violent an intoxication that, with eyes starting +from his head and jaws that parted as though to devour her, he would +fling himself upon this Botticelli maiden and kiss and bite her cheeks. +And then, as soon as he had left the house, not without returning to +kiss her once again, because he had forgotten to take away with him, in +memory, some detail of her fragrance or of her features, while he drove +home in his victoria, blessing the name of Odette who allowed him to pay +her these daily visits, which, although they could not, he felt, bring +any great happiness to her, still, by keeping him immune from the fever +of jealousy--by removing from him every possibility of a fresh outbreak +of the heart-sickness which had manifested itself in him that evening, +when he had failed to find her at the Verdurins'--might help him to +arrive, without any recurrence of those crises, of which the first had +been so distressing that it must also be the last, at the termination of +this strange series of hours in his life, hours almost enchanted, in the +same manner as these other, following hours, in which he drove through a +deserted Paris by the light of the moon: noticing as he drove home that +the satellite had now changed its position, relatively to his own, +and was almost touching the horizon; feeling that his love, also, was +obedient to these immutable laws of nature, he asked himself whether +this period, upon which he had entered, was to last much longer, whether +presently his mind's eye would cease to behold that dear countenance, +save as occupying a distant and diminished position, and on the verge of +ceasing to shed on him the radiance of its charm. For Swann was finding +in things once more, since he had fallen in love, the charm that he had +found when, in his adolescence, he had fancied himself an artist; with +this difference, that what charm lay in them now was conferred by Odette +alone. He could feel reawakening in himself the inspirations of his +boyhood, which had been dissipated among the frivolities of his later +life, but they all bore, now, the reflection, the stamp of a particular +being; and during the long hours which he now found a subtle pleasure +in spending at home, alone with his convalescent spirit, he became +gradually himself again, but himself in thraldom to another. + +He went to her only in the evenings, and knew nothing of how she spent +her time during the day, any more than he knew of her past; so little, +indeed, that he had not even the tiny, initial clue which, by allowing +us to imagine what we do not know, stimulates a desire for knowledge. +And so he never asked himself what she might be doing, or what her life +had been. Only he smiled sometimes at the thought of how, some years +earlier, when he still did not know her, some one had spoken to him of a +woman who, if he remembered rightly, must certainly have been Odette, +as of a 'tart,' a 'kept' woman, one of those women to whom he still +attributed (having lived but little in their company) the entire set of +characteristics, fundamentally perverse, with which they had been, for +many years, endowed by the imagination of certain novelists. He would +say to himself that one has, as often as not, only to take the exact +counterpart of the reputation created by the world in order to judge a +person fairly, when with such a character he contrasted that of Odette, +so good, so simple, so enthusiastic in the pursuit of ideals, so nearly +incapable of not telling the truth that, when he had once begged her, so +that they might dine together alone, to write to Mme. Verdurin, saying +that she was unwell, the next day he had seen her, face to face +with Mme. Verdurin, who asked whether she had recovered, blushing, +stammering, and, in spite of herself, revealing in every feature how +painful, what a torture it was to her to act a lie; and, while in her +answer she multiplied the fictitious details of an imaginary illness, +seeming to ask pardon, by her suppliant look and her stricken accents, +for the obvious falsehood of her words. + +On certain days, however, though these came seldom, she would call upon +him in the afternoon, to interrupt his musings or the essay on Vermeer +to which he had latterly returned. His servant would come in to say that +Mme. de Crécy was in the small drawing-room. He would go in search of +her, and, when he opened the door, on Odette's blushing countenance, as +soon as she caught sight of Swann, would appear--changing the curve +of her lips, the look in her eyes, the moulding of her cheeks--an +all-absorbing smile. Once he was left alone he would see again that +smile, and her smile of the day before, another with which she had +greeted him sometime else, the smile which had been her answer, in the +carriage that night, when he had asked her whether she objected to his +rearranging her cattleyas; and the life of Odette at all other times, +since he knew nothing of it, appeared to him upon a neutral and +colourless background, like those sheets of sketches by Watteau upon +which one sees, here and there, in every corner and in all directions, +traced in three colours upon the buff paper, innumerable smiles. But, +once in a while, illuminating a chink of that existence which Swann +still saw as a complete blank, even if his mind assured him that it was +not so, because he was unable to imagine anything that might occupy it, +some friend who knew them both, and suspecting that they were in love, +had not dared to tell him anything about her that was of the least +importance, would describe Odette's figure, as he had seen her, that +very morning, going on foot up the Rue Abbattucci, in a cape trimmed +with skunks, wearing a Rembrandt hat, and a bunch of violets in her +bosom. This simple outline reduced Swann to utter confusion by enabling +him suddenly to perceive that Odette had an existence which was not +wholly subordinated to his own; he burned to know whom she had been +seeking to fascinate by this costume in which he had never seen her; he +registered a vow to insist upon her telling him where she had been going +at that intercepted moment, as though, in all the colourless life--a +life almost nonexistent, since she was then invisible to him--of his +mistress, there had been but a single incident apart from all those +smiles directed towards himself; namely, her walking abroad beneath a +Rembrandt hat, with a bunch of violets in her bosom. + +Except when he asked her for Vinteuil's little phrase instead of the +_Valse des Roses_, Swann made no effort to induce her to play the things +that he himself preferred, nor, in literature any more than in music, to +correct the manifold errors of her taste. He fully realised that she was +not intelligent. When she said how much she would like him to tell her +about the great poets, she had imagined that she would suddenly get +to know whole pages of romantic and heroic verse, in the style of the +Vicomte de Borelli, only even more moving. As for Vermeer of Delft, she +asked whether he had been made to suffer by a woman, if it was a woman +that had inspired him, and once Swann had told her that no one knew, she +had lost all interest in that painter. She would often say: "I'm sure, +poetry; well, of course, there'd be nothing like it if it was all true, +if the poets really believed the things they said. But as often as not +you'll find there's no one so mean and calculating as those fellows. I +know something about poetry. I had a friend, once, who was in love with +a poet of sorts. In his verses he never spoke of anything but love, and +heaven, and the stars. Oh! she was properly taken in! He had more than +three hundred thousand francs out of her before he'd finished." If, +then, Swann tried to shew her in what artistic beauty consisted, how one +ought to appreciate poetry or painting, after a minute or two she would +cease to listen, saying: "Yes... I never thought it would be like that." +And he felt that her disappointment was so great that he preferred to +lie to her, assuring her that what he had said was nothing, that he +had only touched the surface, that he had not time to go into it all +properly, that there was more in it than that. Then she would interrupt +with a brisk, "More in it? What?... Do tell me!", but he did not tell +her, for he realised how petty it would appear to her, and how different +from what she had expected, less sensational and less touching; he was +afraid, too, lest, disillusioned in the matter of art, she might at the +same time be disillusioned in the greater matter of love. + +With the result that she found Swann inferior, intellectually, to what +she had supposed. "You're always so reserved; I can't make you out." She +marvelled increasingly at his indifference to money, at his courtesy +to everyone alike, at the delicacy of his mind. And indeed it happens, +often enough, to a greater man than Swann ever was, to a scientist or +artist, when he is not wholly misunderstood by the people among whom +he lives, that the feeling in them which proves that they have been +convinced of the superiority of his intellect is created not by any +admiration for his ideas--for those are entirely beyond them--but by +their respect for what they term his good qualities. There was also the +respect with which Odette was inspired by the thought of Swann's social +position, although she had no desire that he should attempt to secure +invitations for herself. Perhaps she felt that such attempts would be +bound to fail; perhaps, indeed, she feared lest, merely by speaking of +her to his friends, he should provoke disclosures of an unwelcome kind. +The fact remains that she had consistently held him to his promise never +to mention her name. Her reason for not wishing to go into society was, +she had told him, a quarrel which she had had, long ago, with another +girl, who had avenged herself by saying nasty things about her. "But," +Swann objected, "surely, people don't all know your friend." "Yes, +don't you see, it's like a spot of oil; people are so horrid." Swann was +unable, frankly, to appreciate this point; on the other hand, he knew +that such generalisations as "People are so horrid," and "A word of +scandal spreads like a spot of oil," were generally accepted as true; +there must, therefore, be cases to which they were literally applicable. +Could Odette's case be one of these? He teased himself with the +question, though not for long, for he too was subject to that mental +oppression which had so weighed upon his father, whenever he was faced +by a difficult problem. In any event, that world of society which +concealed such terrors for Odette inspired her, probably, with no very +great longing to enter it, since it was too far removed from the world +which she already knew for her to be able to form any clear conception +of it. At the same time, while in certain respects she had retained a +genuine simplicity (she had, for instance, kept up a friendship with a +little dressmaker, now retired from business, up whose steep and dark +and fetid staircase she clambered almost every day), she still thirsted +to be in the fashion, though her idea of it was not altogether that held +by fashionable people. For the latter, fashion is a thing that emanates +from a comparatively small number of leaders, who project it to a +considerable distance--with more or less strength according as one +is nearer to or farther from their intimate centre--over the widening +circle of their friends and the friends of their friends, whose names +form a sort of tabulated index. People 'in society' know this index by +heart, they are gifted in such matters with an erudition from which they +have extracted a sort of taste, of tact, so automatic in its operation +that Swann, for example, without needing to draw upon his knowledge of +the world, if he read in a newspaper the names of the people who had +been guests at a dinner, could tell at once how fashionable the dinner +had been, just as a man of letters, merely by reading a phrase, can +estimate exactly the literary merit of its author. But Odette was one +of those persons (an extremely numerous class, whatever the fashionable +world may think, and to be found in every section of society) who do +not share this knowledge, but imagine fashion to be something of quite +another kind, which assumes different aspects according to the circle to +which they themselves belong, but has the special characteristic--common +alike to the fashion of which Odette used to dream and to that before +which Mme. Cottard bowed--of being directly accessible to all. The other +kind, the fashion of 'fashionable people,' is, it must be admitted, +accessible also; but there are inevitable delays. Odette would say of +some one: "He never goes to any place that isn't really smart." + +And if Swann were to ask her what she meant by that, she would answer, +with a touch of contempt, "Smart places! Why, good heavens, just fancy, +at your age, having to be told what the smart places are in Paris! What +do you expect me to say? Well, on Sunday mornings there's the Avenue de +l'Impératrice, and round the lake at five o'clock, and on Thursdays +the Eden-Théâtre, and the Hippodrome on Fridays; then there are the +balls..." + +"What balls?" + +"Why, silly, the balls people give in Paris; the smart ones, I mean. +Wait now, Herbinger, you know who I mean, the fellow who's in one of +the jobbers' offices; yes, of course, you must know him, he's one of the +best-known men in Paris, that great big fair-haired boy who wears +such swagger clothes; he always has a flower in his buttonhole and a +light-coloured overcoat with a fold down the back; he goes about with +that old image, takes her to all the first-nights. Very well! He gave +a ball the other night, and all the smart people in Paris were there. +I should have loved to go! but you had to shew your invitation at the +door, and I couldn't get one anywhere. After all, I'm just as glad, +now, that I didn't go; I should have been killed in the crush, and seen +nothing. Still, just to be able to say one had been to Herbinger's ball. +You know how vain I am! However, you may be quite certain that half the +people who tell you they were there are telling stories.... But I am +surprised that you weren't there, a regular 'tip-topper' like you." + +Swann made no attempt, however, to modify this conception of fashion; +feeling that his own came no nearer to the truth, was just as fatuous, +devoid of all importance, he saw no advantage to be gained by imparting +it to his mistress, with the result that, after a few months, she ceased +to take any interest in the people to whose houses he went, except +when they were the means of his obtaining tickets for the paddock at +race-meetings or first-nights at the theatre. She hoped that he would +continue to cultivate such profitable acquaintances, but she had come to +regard them as less smart since the day when she had passed the Marquise +de Villeparisis in the street, wearing a black serge dress and a bonnet +with strings. + +"But she looks like a pew-opener, like an old charwoman, darling! That a +marquise! Goodness knows I'm not a marquise, but you'd have to pay me +a lot of money before you'd get me to go about Paris rigged out like +that!" + +Nor could she understand Swann's continuing to live in his house on the +Quai d'Orléans, which, though she dared not tell him so, she considered +unworthy of him. + +It was true that she claimed to be fond of 'antiques,' and used to +assume a rapturous and knowing air when she confessed how she loved +to spend the whole day 'rummaging' in second-hand shops, hunting for +'bric-à-brac,' and things of the 'right date.' Although it was a point +of honour, to which she obstinately clung, as though obeying some old +family custom, that she should never answer any questions, never give +any account of what she did during the daytime, she spoke to Swann once +about a friend to whose house she had been invited, and had found that +everything in it was 'of the period.' Swann could not get her to tell +him what 'period' it was. Only after thinking the matter over she +replied that it was 'mediaeval'; by which she meant that the walls were +panelled. Some time later she spoke to him again of her friend, and +added, in the hesitating but confident tone in which one refers to a +person whom one has met somewhere, at dinner, the night before, of whom +one had never heard until then, but whom one's hosts seemed to regard as +some one so celebrated and important that one hopes that one's listener +will know quite well who is meant, and will be duly impressed: "Her +dining-room... is... eighteenth century!" Incidentally, she had thought +it hideous, all bare, as though the house were still unfinished; women +looked frightful in it, and it would never become the fashion. She +mentioned it again, a third time, when she shewed Swann a card with the +name and address of the man who had designed the dining-room, and whom +she wanted to send for, when she had enough money, to see whether he +could not do one for her too; not one like that, of course, but one +of the sort she used to dream of, one which, unfortunately, her little +house would not be large enough to contain, with tall sideboards, +Renaissance furniture and fireplaces like the Château at Blois. It was +on this occasion that she let out to Swann what she really thought of +his abode on the Quai d'Orléans; he having ventured the criticism that +her friend had indulged, not in the Louis XVI style, for, he went on, +although that was not, of course, done, still it might be made charming, +but in the 'Sham-Antique.' + +"You wouldn't have her live, like you, among a lot of broken-down chairs +and threadbare carpets!" she exclaimed, the innate respectability of +the middle-class housewife rising impulsively to the surface through the +acquired dilettantism of the 'light woman.' + +People who enjoyed 'picking-up' things, who admired poetry, despised +sordid calculations of profit and loss, and nourished ideals of honour +and love, she placed in a class by themselves, superior to the rest of +humanity. There was no need actually to have those tastes, provided +one talked enough about them; when a man had told her at dinner that he +loved to wander about and get his hands all covered with dust in the +old furniture shops, that he would never be really appreciated in +this commercial age, since he was not concerned about the things that +interested it, and that he belonged to another generation altogether, +she would come home saying: "Why, he's an adorable creature; so +sensitive! I had no idea," and she would conceive for him a strong and +sudden friendship. But, on the other hand, men who, like Swann, had +these tastes but did not speak of them, left her cold. She was obliged, +of course, to admit that Swann was most generous with his money, but she +would add, pouting: "It's not the same thing, you see, with him," +and, as a matter of fact, what appealed to her imagination was not the +practice of disinterestedness, but its vocabulary. + +Feeling that, often, he could not give her in reality the pleasures of +which she dreamed, he tried at least to ensure that she should be happy +in his company, tried not to contradict those vulgar ideas, that bad +taste which she displayed on every possible occasion, which all the same +he loved, as he could not help loving everything that came from her, +which even fascinated him, for were they not so many more of those +characteristic features, by virtue of which the essential qualities +of the woman emerged, and were made visible? And so, when she was in a +happy mood because she was going to see the _Reine Topaze_, or when her +eyes grew serious, troubled, petulant, if she was afraid of missing the +flower-show, or merely of not being in time for tea, with muffins and +toast, at the Rue Royale tea-rooms, where she believed that regular +attendance was indispensable, and set the seal upon a woman's +certificate of 'smartness,' Swann, enraptured, as all of us are, at +times, by the natural behaviour of a child, or by the likeness of a +portrait, which appears to be on the point of speaking, would feel so +distinctly the soul of his mistress rising to fill the outlines of her +face that he could not refrain from going across and welcoming it +with his lips. "Oh, then, so little Odette wants us to take her to the +flower-show, does she? she wants to be admired, does she? very well, we +will take her there, we can but obey her wishes." As Swann's sight was +beginning to fail, he had to resign himself to a pair of spectacles, +which he wore at home, when working, while to face the world he adopted +a single eyeglass, as being less disfiguring. The first time that she +saw it in his eye, she could not contain herself for joy: "I really do +think--for a man, that is to say--it is tremendously smart! How nice you +look with it! Every inch a gentleman. All you want now is a title!" she +concluded, with a tinge of regret in her voice. He liked Odette to say +these things, just as, if he had been in love with a Breton girl, he +would have enjoyed seeing her in her coif and hearing her say that she +believed in ghosts. Always until then, as is common among men whose +taste for the fine arts develops independently of their sensuality, a +grotesque disparity had existed between the satisfactions which he would +accord to either taste simultaneously; yielding to the seduction of +works of art which grew more and more subtle as the women in whose +company he enjoyed them grew more illiterate and common, he would take a +little servant-girl to a screened box in a theatre where there was some +decadent piece which he had wished to see performed, or to an exhibition +of impressionist painting, with the conviction, moreover, that an +educated, 'society' woman would have understood them no better, but +would not have managed to keep quiet about them so prettily. But, now +that he was in love with Odette, all this was changed; to share her +sympathies, to strive to be one with her in spirit was a task so +attractive that he tried to find satisfaction in the things that she +liked, and did find a pleasure, not only in copying her habits but in +adopting her opinions, which was all the deeper because, as those habits +and opinions sprang from no roots in her intelligence, they suggested +to him nothing except that love, for the sake of which he had preferred +them to his own. If he went again to _Serge Panine_, if he looked out +for opportunities of going to watch Olivier Métra conducting, it was for +the pleasure of being initiated into every one of the ideas in Odette's +mind, of feeling that he had an equal share in all her tastes. This +charm of drawing him closer to her, which her favourite plays and +pictures and places possessed, struck him as being more mysterious than +the intrinsic charm of more beautiful things and places, which appealed +to him by their beauty, but without recalling her. Besides, having +allowed the intellectual beliefs of his youth to grow faint, until his +scepticism, as a finished 'man of the world,' had gradually penetrated +them unawares, he held (or at least he had held for so long that he had +fallen into the habit of saying) that the objects which we admire have +no absolute value in themselves, that the whole thing is a matter of +dates and castes, and consists in a series of fashions, the most vulgar +of which are worth just as much as those which are regarded as the most +refined. And as he had decided that the importance which Odette attached +to receiving cards for a private view was not in itself any more +ridiculous than the pleasure which he himself had at one time felt in +going to luncheon with the Prince of Wales, so he did not think that the +admiration which she professed for Monte-Carlo or for the Righi was any +more unreasonable than his own liking for Holland (which she imagined +as ugly) and for Versailles (which bored her to tears). And so he denied +himself the pleasure of visiting those places, consoling himself with +the reflection that it was for her sake that he wished to feel, to like +nothing that was not equally felt and liked by her. + +Like everything else that formed part of Odette's environment, and was +no more, in a sense, than the means whereby he might see and talk to her +more often, he enjoyed the society of the Verdurins. With them, since, +at the heart of all their entertainments, dinners, musical evenings, +games, suppers in fancy dress, excursions to the country, theatre +parties, even the infrequent 'big evenings' when they entertained +'bores,' there were the presence of Odette, the sight of Odette, +conversation with Odette, an inestimable boon which the Verdurins, by +inviting him to their house, bestowed on Swann, he was happier in the +little 'nucleus' than anywhere else, and tried to find some genuine +merit in each of its members, imagining that his tastes would lead him +to frequent their society for the rest of his life. Never daring to +whisper to himself, lest he should doubt the truth of the suggestion, +that he would always be in love with Odette, at least when he tried to +suppose that he would always go to the Verdurins' (a proposition +which, a priori, raised fewer fundamental objections on the part of his +intelligence), he saw himself for the future continuing to meet Odette +every evening; that did not, perhaps, come quite to the same thing as +his being permanently in love with her, but for the moment while he was +in love with her, to feel that he would not, one day, cease to see her +was all that he could ask. "What a charming atmosphere!" he said to +himself. "How entirely genuine life is to these people! They are far +more intelligent, far more artistic, surely, than the people one knows. +Mme. Verdurin, in spite of a few trifling exaggerations which are rather +absurd, has a sincere love of painting and music! What a passion for +works of art, what anxiety to give pleasure to artists! Her ideas about +some of the people one knows are not quite right, but then their ideas +about artistic circles are altogether wrong! Possibly I make no great +intellectual demands upon conversation, but I am perfectly happy talking +to Cottard, although he does trot out those idiotic puns. And as for +the painter, if he is rather unpleasantly affected when he tries to be +paradoxical, still he has one of the finest brains that I have ever come +across. Besides, what is most important, one feels quite free there, one +does what one likes without constraint or fuss. What a flow of humour +there is every day in that drawing-room! Certainly, with a few rare +exceptions, I never want to go anywhere else again. It will become more +and more of a habit, and I shall spend the rest of my life among them." + +And as the qualities which he supposed to be an intrinsic part of +the Verdurin character were no more, really, than their superficial +reflection of the pleasure which had been enjoyed in their society by +his love for Odette, those qualities became more serious, more profound, +more vital, as that pleasure increased. Since Mme. Verdurin gave Swann, +now and then, what alone could constitute his happiness; since, on an +evening when he felt anxious because Odette had talked rather more to +one of the party than to another, and, in a spasm of irritation, would +not take the initiative by asking her whether she was coming home, Mme. +Verdurin brought peace and joy to his troubled spirit by the spontaneous +exclamation: "Odette! You'll see M. Swann home, won't you?"; since, +when the summer holidays came, and after he had asked himself uneasily +whether Odette might not leave Paris without him, whether he would still +be able to see her every day, Mme. Verdurin was going to invite them +both to spend the summer with her in the country; Swann, unconsciously +allowing gratitude and self-interest to filter into his intelligence and +to influence his ideas, went so far as to proclaim that Mme. Verdurin +was "a great and noble soul." Should any of his old fellow-pupils in the +Louvre school of painting speak to him of some rare or eminent artist, +"I'd a hundred times rather," he would reply, "have the Verdurins." And, +with a solemnity of diction which was new in him: "They are magnanimous +creatures, and magnanimity is, after all, the one thing that matters, +the one thing that gives us distinction here on earth. Look you, there +are only two classes of men, the magnanimous, and the rest; and I have +reached an age when one has to take sides, to decide once and for all +whom one is going to like and dislike, to stick to the people one likes, +and, to make up for the time one has wasted with the others, never to +leave them again as long as one lives. Very well!" he went on, with the +slight emotion which a man feels when, even without being fully aware of +what he is doing, he says something, not because it is true but because +he enjoys saying it, and listens to his own voice uttering the words +as though they came from some one else, "The die is now cast; I have +elected to love none but magnanimous souls, and to live only in an +atmosphere of magnanimity. You ask me whether Mme. Verdurin is really +intelligent. I can assure you that she has given me proofs of a nobility +of heart, of a loftiness of soul, to which no one could possibly +attain--how could they?--without a corresponding loftiness of mind. +Without question, she has a profound understanding of art. But it is +not, perhaps, in that that she is most admirable; every little action, +ingeniously, exquisitely kind, which she has performed for my sake, +every friendly attention, simple little things, quite domestic and yet +quite sublime, reveal a more profound comprehension of existence than +all your textbooks of philosophy." + +* * * + +He might have reminded himself, all the same, that there were various +old friends of his family who were just as simple as the Verdurins, +companions of his early days who were just as fond of art, that he knew +other 'great-hearted creatures,' and that, nevertheless, since he had +cast his vote in favour of simplicity, the arts, and magnanimity, he had +entirely ceased to see them. But these people did not know Odette, and, +if they had known her, would never have thought of introducing her to +him. + +And so there was probably not, in the whole of the Verdurin circle, a +single one of the 'faithful' who loved them, or believed that he loved +them, as dearly as did Swann. And yet, when M. Verdurin said that he was +not satisfied with Swann, he had not only expressed his own sentiments, +he had unwittingly discovered his wife's. Doubtless Swann had too +particular an affection for Odette, as to which he had failed to take +Mme. Verdurin daily into his confidence; doubtless the very discretion +with which he availed himself of the Verdurins' hospitality, refraining, +often, from coming to dine with them for a reason which they never +suspected, and in place of which they saw only an anxiety on his part +not to have to decline an invitation to the house of some 'bore' or +other; doubtless, also, and despite all the precautions which he had +taken to keep it from them, the gradual discovery which they were +making of his brilliant position in society--doubtless all these things +contributed to their general annoyance with Swann. But the real, the +fundamental reason was quite different. What had happened was that they +had at once discovered in him a locked door, a reserved, impenetrable +chamber in which he still professed silently to himself that the +Princesse de Sagan was not grotesque, and that Cottard's jokes were +not amusing; in a word (and for all that he never once abandoned his +friendly attitude towards them all, or revolted from their dogmas), they +had discovered an impossibility of imposing those dogmas upon him, of +entirely converting him to their faith, the like of which they had never +come across in anyone before. They would have forgiven his going to the +houses of 'bores' (to whom, as it happened, in his heart of hearts he +infinitely preferred the Verdurins and all their little 'nucleus') had +he consented to set a good example by openly renouncing those 'bores' +in the presence of the 'faithful.' But that was an abjuration which, as +they well knew, they were powerless to extort. + +What a difference was there in a 'newcomer' whom Odette had asked them +to invite, although she herself had met him only a few times, and on +whom they were building great hopes--the Comte de Forcheville! (It +turned out that he was nothing more nor less than the brother-in-law of +Saniette, a discovery which filled all the 'faithful' with amazement: +the manners of the old palaeographer were so humble that they had always +supposed him to be of a class inferior, socially, to their own, and +had never expected to learn that he came of a rich and relatively +aristocratic family.) Of course, Forcheville was enormously the 'swell,' +which Swann was not or had quite ceased to be; of course, he would never +dream of placing, as Swann now placed, the Verdurin circle above any +other. But he lacked that natural refinement which prevented Swann from +associating himself with the criticisms (too obviously false to be worth +his notice) that Mme. Verdurin levelled at people whom he knew. As for +the vulgar and affected tirades in which the painter sometimes indulged, +the bag-man's pleasantries which Cottard used to hazard,--whereas +Swann, who liked both men sincerely, could easily find excuses for these +without having either the courage or the hypocrisy to applaud them, +Forcheville, on the other hand, was on an intellectual level which +permitted him to be stupified, amazed by the invective (without in the +least understanding what it all was about), and to be frankly delighted +by the wit. And the very first dinner at the Verdurins' at which +Forcheville was present threw a glaring light upon all the differences +between them, made his qualities start into prominence and precipitated +the disgrace of Swann. + +There was, at this dinner, besides the usual party, a professor from +the Sorbonne, one Brichot, who had met M. and Mme. Verdurin at a +watering-place somewhere, and, if his duties at the university and his +other works of scholarship had not left him with very little time +to spare, would gladly have come to them more often. For he had that +curiosity, that superstitious outlook on life, which, combined with a +certain amount of scepticism with regard to the object of their studies, +earn for men of intelligence, whatever their profession, for doctors +who do not believe in medicine, for schoolmasters who do not believe in +Latin exercises, the reputation of having broad, brilliant, and indeed +superior minds. He affected, when at Mme. Verdurin's, to choose his +illustrations from among the most topical subjects of the day, when he +spoke of philosophy or history, principally because he regarded those +sciences as no more, really, than a preparation for life itself, and +imagined that he was seeing put into practice by the 'little clan' +what hitherto he had known only from books; and also, perhaps, +because, having had drilled into him as a boy, and having unconsciously +preserved, a feeling of reverence for certain subjects, he thought that +he was casting aside the scholar's gown when he ventured to treat those +subjects with a conversational licence, which seemed so to him only +because the folds of the gown still clung. + +Early in the course of the dinner, when M. de Forcheville, seated on the +right of Mme. Verdurin, who, in the 'newcomer's' honour, had taken great +pains with her toilet, observed to her: "Quite original, that white +dress," the Doctor, who had never taken his eyes off him, so curious was +he to learn the nature and attributes of what he called a "de," and was +on the look-out for an opportunity of attracting his attention, so as +to come into closer contact with him, caught in its flight the adjective +'_blanche_' and, his eyes still glued to his plate, snapped out, +"_Blanche_? Blanche of Castile?" then, without moving his head, shot +a furtive glance to right and left of him, doubtful, but happy on the +whole. While Swann, by the painful and futile effort which he made to +smile, testified that he thought the pun absurd, Forcheville had shewn +at once that he could appreciate its subtlety, and that he was a man of +the world, by keeping within its proper limits a mirth the spontaneity +of which had charmed Mme. Verdurin. + +"What are you to say of a scientist like that?" she asked Forcheville. +"You can't talk seriously to him for two minutes on end. Is that the +sort of thing you tell them at your hospital?" she went on, turning to +the Doctor. "They must have some pretty lively times there, if that's +the case. I can see that I shall have to get taken in as a patient!" + +"I think I heard the Doctor speak of that wicked old humbug, Blanche of +Castile, if I may so express myself. Am I not right, Madame?" Brichot +appealed to Mme. Verdurin, who, swooning with merriment, her eyes +tightly closed, had buried her face in her two hands, from between +which, now and then, escaped a muffled scream. + +"Good gracious, Madame, I would not dream of shocking the +reverent-minded, if there are any such around this table, _sub rosa_... +I recognise, moreover, that our ineffable and Athenian--oh, how +infinitely Athenian--Republic is capable of honouring, in the person of +that obscurantist old she-Capet, the first of our chiefs of police. Yes, +indeed, my dear host, yes, indeed!" he repeated in his ringing voice, +which sounded a separate note for each syllable, in reply to a protest +by M. Verdurin. "The Chronicle of Saint Denis, and the authenticity of +its information is beyond question, leaves us no room for doubt on that +point. No one could be more fitly chosen as Patron by a secularising +proletariat than that mother of a Saint, who let him see some pretty +fishy saints besides, as Suger says, and other great St. Bernards of the +sort; for with her it was a case of taking just what you pleased." + +"Who is that gentleman?" Forcheville asked Mme. Verdurin. "He seems to +speak with great authority." + +"What! Do you mean to say you don't know the famous Brichot? Why, he's +celebrated all over Europe." + +"Oh, that's Bréchot, is it?" exclaimed Forcheville, who had not quite +caught the name. "You must tell me all about him"; he went on, fastening +a pair of goggle eyes on the celebrity. "It's always interesting to +meet well-known people at dinner. But, I say, you ask us to very select +parties here. No dull evenings in this house, I'm sure." + +"Well, you know what it is really," said Mme. Verdurin modestly. +"They feel safe here. They can talk about whatever they like, and the +conversation goes off like fireworks. Now Brichot, this evening, is +nothing. I've seen him, don't you know, when he's been with me, simply +dazzling; you'd want to go on your knees to him. Well, with anyone else +he's not the same man, he's not in the least witty, you have to drag the +words out of him, he's even boring." + +"That's strange," remarked Forcheville with fitting astonishment. + +A sort of wit like Brichot's would have been regarded as out-and-out +stupidity by the people among whom Swann had spent his early life, +for all that it is quite compatible with real intelligence. And the +intelligence of the Professor's vigorous and well-nourished brain might +easily have been envied by many of the people in society who seemed +witty enough to Swann. But these last had so thoroughly inculcated into +him their likes and dislikes, at least in everything that pertained +to their ordinary social existence, including that annex to social +existence which belongs, strictly speaking, to the domain of +intelligence, namely, conversation, that Swann could not see anything +in Brichot's pleasantries; to him they were merely pedantic, vulgar, +and disgustingly coarse. He was shocked, too, being accustomed to +good manners, by the rude, almost barrack-room tone which this +student-in-arms adopted, no matter to whom he was speaking. Finally, +perhaps, he had lost all patience that evening as he watched Mme. +Verdurin welcoming, with such unnecessary warmth, this Forcheville +fellow, whom it had been Odette's unaccountable idea to bring to the +house. Feeling a little awkward, with Swann there also, she had asked +him on her arrival: "What do you think of my guest?" + +And he, suddenly realising for the first time that Forcheville, whom +he had known for years, could actually attract a woman, and was quite a +good specimen of a man, had retorted: "Beastly!" He had, certainly, +no idea of being jealous of Odette, but did not feel quite so happy as +usual, and when Brichot, having begun to tell them the story of Blanche +of Castile's mother, who, according to him, "had been with Henry +Plantagenet for years before they were married," tried to prompt Swann +to beg him to continue the story, by interjecting "Isn't that so, M. +Swann?" in the martial accents which one uses in order to get down to +the level of an unintelligent rustic or to put the 'fear of God' into +a trooper, Swann cut his story short, to the intense fury of their +hostess, by begging to be excused for taking so little interest in +Blanche of Castile, as he had something that he wished to ask the +painter. He, it appeared, had been that afternoon to an exhibition of +the work of another artist, also a friend of Mme. Verdurin, who had +recently died, and Swann wished to find out from him (for he valued +his discrimination) whether there had really been anything more in this +later work than the virtuosity which had struck people so forcibly in +his earlier exhibitions. + +"From that point of view it was extraordinary, but it did not seem to me +to be a form of art which you could call 'elevated,'" said Swann with a +smile. + +"Elevated... to the height of an Institute!" interrupted Cottard, +raising his arms with mock solemnity. The whole table burst out +laughing. + +"What did I tell you?" said Mme. Verdurin to Forcheville. "It's simply +impossible to be serious with him. When you least expect it, out he +comes with a joke." + +But she observed that Swann, and Swann alone, had not unbent. For one +thing he was none too well pleased with Cottard for having secured a +laugh at his expense in front of Forcheville. But the painter, instead +of replying in a way that might have interested Swann, as he would +probably have done had they been alone together, preferred to win the +easy admiration of the rest by exercising his wit upon the talent of +their dead friend. + +"I went up to one of them," he began, "just to see how it was done; I +stuck my nose into it. Yes, I don't think! Impossible to say whether +it was done with glue, with soap, with sealing-wax, with sunshine, with +leaven, with excrem..." + +"And one make twelve!" shouted the Doctor, wittily, but just too late, +for no one saw the point of his interruption. + +"It looks as though it were done with nothing at all," resumed the +painter. "No more chance of discovering the trick than there is in the +'Night Watch,' or the 'Regents,' and it's even bigger work than either +Rembrandt or Hals ever did. It's all there,--and yet, no, I'll take my +oath it isn't." + +Then, just as singers who have reached the highest note in their +compass, proceed to hum the rest of the air in falsetto, he had to be +satisfied with murmuring, smiling the while, as if, after all, there had +been something irresistibly amusing in the sheer beauty of the painting: +"It smells all right; it makes your head go round; it catches your +breath; you feel ticklish all over--and not the faintest clue to how +it's done. The man's a sorcerer; the thing's a conjuring-trick, it's +a miracle," bursting outright into laughter, "it's dishonest!" Then +stopping, solemnly raising his head, pitching his voice on a double-bass +note which he struggled to bring into harmony, he concluded, "And it's +so loyal!" + +Except at the moment when he had called it "bigger than the 'Night +Watch,'" a blasphemy which had called forth an instant protest from Mme. +Verdurin, who regarded the 'Night Watch' as the supreme masterpiece of +the universe (conjointly with the 'Ninth' and the 'Samothrace'), and at +the word "excrement," which had made Forcheville throw a sweeping glance +round the table to see whether it was 'all right,' before he allowed his +lips to curve in a prudish and conciliatory smile, all the party +(save Swann) had kept their fascinated and adoring eyes fixed upon the +painter. + +"I do so love him when he goes up in the air like that!" cried +Mme. Verdurin, the moment that he had finished, enraptured that the +table-talk should have proved so entertaining on the very night that +Forcheville was dining with them for the first time. "Hallo, you!" she +turned to her husband, "what's the matter with you, sitting there gaping +like a great animal? You know, though, don't you," she apologised +for him to the painter, "that he can talk quite well when he chooses; +anybody would think it was the first time he had ever listened to you. +If you had only seen him while you were speaking; he was just drinking +it all in. And to-morrow he will tell us everything you said, without +missing a word." + +"No, really, I'm not joking!" protested the painter, enchanted by the +success of his speech. "You all look as if you thought I was pulling +your legs, that it was just a trick. I'll take you to see the show, and +then you can say whether I've been exaggerating; I'll bet you anything +you like, you'll come away more 'up in the air' than I am!" + +"But we don't suppose for a moment that you're exaggerating; we only +want you to go on with your dinner, and my husband too. Give M. Biche +some more sole, can't you see his has got cold? We're not in any hurry; +you're dashing round as if the house was on fire. Wait a little; don't +serve the salad just yet." + +Mme. Cottard, who was a shy woman and spoke but seldom, was not lacking, +for all that, in self-assurance when a happy inspiration put the right +word in her mouth. She felt that it would be well received; the thought +gave her confidence, and what she was doing was done with the object not +so much of shining herself, as of helping her husband on in his career. +And so she did not allow the word 'salad,' which Mme. Verdurin had just +uttered, to pass unchallenged. + +"It's not a Japanese salad, is it?" she whispered, turning towards +Odette. + +And then, in her joy and confusion at the combination of neatness +and daring which there had been in making so discreet and yet so +unmistakable an allusion to the new and brilliantly successful play by +Dumas, she broke down in a charming, girlish laugh, not very loud, but +so irresistible that it was some time before she could control it. + +"Who is that lady? She seems devilish clever," said Forcheville. + +"No, it is not. But we will have one for you if you will all come to +dinner on Friday." + +"You will think me dreadfully provincial, sir," said Mme. Cottard to +Swann, "but, do you know, I haven't been yet to this famous _Francillon_ +that everybody's talking about. The Doctor has been (I remember now, +he told me what a very great pleasure it had been to him to spend the +evening with you there) and I must confess, I don't see much sense in +spending money on seats for him to take me, when he's seen the play +already. Of course an evening at the Théâtre-Français is never wasted, +really; the acting's so good there always; but we have some very nice +friends," (Mme. Cottard would hardly ever utter a proper name, but +restricted herself to "some friends of ours" or "one of my friends," as +being more 'distinguished,' speaking in an affected tone and with all +the importance of a person who need give names only when she chooses) +"who often have a box, and are kind enough to take us to all the +new pieces that are worth going to, and so I'm certain to see this +_Francillon_ sooner or later, and then I shall know what to think. But I +do feel such a fool about it, I must confess, for, whenever I pay a +call anywhere, I find everybody talking--it's only natural--about that +wretched Japanese salad. Really and truly, one's beginning to get just a +little tired of hearing about it," she went on, seeing that Swann seemed +less interested than she had hoped in so burning a topic. "I must admit, +though, that it's sometimes quite amusing, the way they joke about it: +I've got a friend, now, who is most original, though she's really a +beautiful woman, most popular in society, goes everywhere, and she tells +me that she got her cook to make one of these Japanese salads, putting +in everything that young M. Dumas says you're to put in, in the play. +Then she asked just a few friends to come and taste it. I was not among +the favoured few, I'm sorry to say. But she told us all about it on her +next 'day'; it seems it was quite horrible, she made us all laugh +till we cried. I don't know; perhaps it was the way she told it," Mme. +Cottard added doubtfully, seeing that Swann still looked grave. + +And, imagining that it was, perhaps, because he had not been amused by +_Francillon_: "Well, I daresay I shall be disappointed with it, after +all. I don't suppose it's as good as the piece Mme. de Crécy worships, +_Serge Panine_. There's a play, if you like; so deep, makes you +think! But just fancy giving a receipt for a salad on the stage of the +Théâtre-Français! Now, _Serge Panine_--! But then, it's like everything +that comes from the pen of M. Georges Ohnet, it's so well written. I +wonder if you know the _Maître des Forges_, which I like even better +than _Serge Panine_." + +"Pardon me," said Swann with polite irony, "but I can assure you that +my want of admiration is almost equally divided between those +masterpieces." + +"Really, now; that's very interesting. And what don't you like about +them? Won't you ever change your mind? Perhaps you think he's a little +too sad. Well, well, what I always say is, one should never argue about +plays or novels. Everyone has his own way of looking at things, and what +may be horrible to you is, perhaps, just what I like best." + +She was interrupted by Forcheville's addressing Swann. What had happened +was that, while Mme. Cottard was discussing _Francillon_, Forcheville +had been expressing to Mme. Verdurin his admiration for what he called +the "little speech" of the painter. "Your friend has such a flow of +language, such a memory!" he had said to her when the painter had +come to a standstill, "I've seldom seen anything like it. He'd make a +first-rate preacher. By Jove, I wish I was like that. What with him and +M. Bréchot you've drawn two lucky numbers to-night; though I'm not so +sure that, simply as a speaker, this one doesn't knock spots off the +Professor. It comes more naturally with him, less like reading from a +book. Of course, the way he goes on, he does use some words that are +a bit realistic, and all that; but that's quite the thing nowadays; +anyhow, it's not often I've seen a man hold the floor as cleverly as +that, 'hold the spittoon,' as we used to say in the regiment, where, by +the way, we had a man he rather reminds me of. You could take anything +you liked--I don't know what--this glass, say; and he'd talk away about +it for hours; no, not this glass; that's a silly thing to say, I'm +sorry; but something a little bigger, like the battle of Waterloo, or +anything of that sort, he'd tell you things you simply wouldn't believe. +Why, Swann was in the regiment then; he must have known him." + +"Do you see much of M. Swann?" asked Mme. Verdurin. + +"Oh dear, no!" he answered, and then, thinking that if he made himself +pleasant to Swann he might find favour with Odette, he decided to +take this opportunity of flattering him by speaking of his fashionable +friends, but speaking as a man of the world himself, in a tone of +good-natured criticism, and not as though he were congratulating Swann +upon some undeserved good fortune: "Isn't that so, Swann? I never see +anything of you, do I?--But then, where on earth is one to see him? The +creature spends all his time shut up with the La Trémoïlles, with the +Laumes and all that lot!" The imputation would have been false at any +time, and was all the more so, now that for at least a year Swann had +given up going to almost any house but the Verdurins'. But the mere +names of families whom the Verdurins did not know were received by them +in a reproachful silence. M. Verdurin, dreading the painful impression +which the mention of these 'bores,' especially when flung at her in this +tactless fashion, and in front of all the 'faithful,' was bound to +make on his wife, cast a covert glance at her, instinct with anxious +solicitude. He saw then that in her fixed resolution to take no notice, +to have escaped contact, altogether, with the news which had just been +addressed to her, not merely to remain dumb but to have been deaf +as well, as we pretend to be when a friend who has been in the wrong +attempts to slip into his conversation some excuse which we should +appear to be accepting, should we appear to have heard it without +protesting, or when some one utters the name of an enemy, the very +mention of whom in our presence is forbidden; Mme. Verdurin, so that +her silence should have the appearance, not of consent but of the +unconscious silence which inanimate objects preserve, had suddenly +emptied her face of all life, of all mobility; her rounded forehead was +nothing, now, but an exquisite study in high relief, which the name of +those La Trémoïlles, with whom Swann was always 'shut up,' had failed +to penetrate; her nose, just perceptibly wrinkled in a frown, exposed to +view two dark cavities that were, surely, modelled from life. You would +have said that her half-opened lips were just about to speak. It was +all no more, however, than a wax cast, a mask in plaster, the sculptor's +design for a monument, a bust to be exhibited in the Palace of Industry, +where the public would most certainly gather in front of it and marvel +to see how the sculptor, in expressing the unchallengeable dignity of +the Verdurins, as opposed to that of the La Trémoïlles or Laumes, whose +equals (if not, indeed, their betters) they were, and the equals and +betters of all other 'bores' upon the face of the earth, had managed to +invest with a majesty that was almost Papal the whiteness and rigidity +of his stone. But the marble at last grew animated and let it be +understood that it didn't do to be at all squeamish if one went to that +house, since the woman was always tipsy and the husband so uneducated +that he called a corridor a 'collidor'! + +"You'd need to pay me a lot of money before I'd let any of that lot set +foot inside my house," Mme. Verdurin concluded, gazing imperially down +on Swann. + +She could scarcely have expected him to capitulate so completely as to +echo the holy simplicity of the pianist's aunt, who at once exclaimed: +"To think of that, now! What surprises me is that they can get anybody +to go near them; I'm sure I should be afraid; one can't be too careful. +How can people be so common as to go running after them?" + +But he might, at least, have replied, like Forcheville: "Gad, she's a +duchess; there are still plenty of people who are impressed by that sort +of thing," which would at least have permitted Mme. Verdurin the final +retort, "And a lot of good may it do them!" Instead of which, Swann +merely smiled, in a manner which shewed, quite clearly, that he could +not, of course, take such an absurd suggestion seriously. M. Verdurin, +who was still casting furtive and intermittent glances at his wife, +could see with regret, and could understand only too well that she was +now inflamed with the passion of a Grand Inquisitor who cannot succeed +in stamping out a heresy; and so, in the hope of bringing Swann round +to a retractation (for the courage of one's opinions is always a form of +calculating cowardice in the eyes of the 'other side'), he broke in: + +"Tell us frankly, now, what you think of them yourself. We shan't repeat +it to them, you may be sure." + +To which Swann answered: "Why, I'm not in the least afraid of the +Duchess (if it is of the La Trémoïlles that you're speaking). I can +assure you that everyone likes going to see her. I don't go so far as +to say that she's at all 'deep'--" he pronounced the word as if it meant +something ridiculous, for his speech kept the traces of certain mental +habits which the recent change in his life, a rejuvenation illustrated +by his passion for music, had inclined him temporarily to discard, +so that at times he would actually state his views with considerable +warmth--"but I am quite sincere when I say that she is intelligent, +while her husband is positively a bookworm. They are charming people." + +His explanation was terribly effective; Mme. Verdurin now realised that +this one state of unbelief would prevent her 'little nucleus' from ever +attaining to complete unanimity, and was unable to restrain herself, in +her fury at the obstinacy of this wretch who could not see what anguish +his words were causing her, but cried aloud, from the depths of her +tortured heart, "You may think so if you wish, but at least you need not +say so to us." + +"It all depends upon what you call intelligence." Forcheville felt that +it was his turn to be brilliant. "Come now, Swann, tell us what you mean +by intelligence." + +"There," cried Odette, "that's one of the big things I beg him to tell +me about, and he never will." + +"Oh, but..." protested Swann. + +"Oh, but nonsense!" said Odette. + +"A water-butt?" asked the Doctor. + +"To you," pursued Forcheville, "does intelligence mean what they call +clever talk; you know, the sort of people who worm their way into +society?" + +"Finish your sweet, so that they can take your plate away!" said Mme. +Verdurin sourly to Saniette, who was lost in thought and had stopped +eating. And then, perhaps a little ashamed of her rudeness, "It doesn't +matter; take your time about it; there's no hurry; I only reminded you +because of the others, you know; it keeps the servants back." + +"There is," began Brichot, with a resonant smack upon every syllable, "a +rather curious definition of intelligence by that pleasing old anarchist +Fénelon..." + +"Just listen to this!" Mme. Verdurin rallied Forcheville and the Doctor. +"He's going to give us Fénelon's definition of intelligence. That's +interesting. It's not often you get a chance of hearing that!" + +But Brichot was keeping Fénelon's definition until Swann should +have given his own. Swann remained silent, and, by this fresh act of +recreancy, spoiled the brilliant tournament of dialectic which Mme. +Verdurin was rejoicing at being able to offer to Forcheville. + +"You see, it's just the same as with me!" Odette was peevish. "I'm not +at all sorry to see that I'm not the only one he doesn't find quite up +to his level." + +"These de La Trémouailles whom Mme. Verdurin has exhibited to us as so +little to be desired," inquired Brichot, articulating vigorously, "are +they, by any chance, descended from the couple whom that worthy old +snob, Sévigné, said she was delighted to know, because it was so good +for her peasants? True, the Marquise had another reason, which in her +case probably came first, for she was a thorough journalist at heart, +and always on the look-out for 'copy.' And, in the journal which she +used to send regularly to her daughter, it was Mme. de La Trémouaille, +kept well-informed through all her grand connections, who supplied the +foreign politics." + +"Oh dear, no. I'm quite sure they aren't the same family," said Mme. +Verdurin desperately. + +Saniette who, ever since he had surrendered his untouched plate to the +butler, had been plunged once more in silent meditation, emerged finally +to tell them, with a nervous laugh, a story of how he had once dined +with the Duc de La Trémoïlle, the point of which was that the Duke +did not know that George Sand was the pseudonym of a woman. Swann, +who really liked Saniette, felt bound to supply him with a few facts +illustrative of the Duke's culture, which would prove that such +ignorance on his part was literally impossible; but suddenly he stopped +short; he had realised, as he was speaking, that Saniette needed no +proof, but knew already that the story was untrue for the simple reason +that he had at that moment invented it. The worthy man suffered acutely +from the Verdurins' always finding him so dull; and as he was conscious +of having been more than ordinarily morose this evening, he had made up +his mind that he would succeed in being amusing, at least once, before +the end of dinner. He surrendered so quickly, looked so wretched at the +sight of his castle in ruins, and replied in so craven a tone to Swann, +appealing to him not to persist in a refutation which was already +superfluous, "All right; all right; anyhow, even if I have made a +mistake that's not a crime, I hope," that Swann longed to be able +to console him by insisting that the story was indubitably true and +exquisitely funny. The Doctor, who had been listening, had an idea that +it was the right moment to interject "_Se non è vero_," but he was not +quite certain of the words, and was afraid of being caught out. + +After dinner, Forcheville went up to the Doctor. "She can't have been +at all bad looking, Mme. Verdurin; anyhow, she's a woman you can really +talk to; that's all I want. Of course she's getting a bit broad in the +beam. But Mme. de Crécy! There's a little woman who knows what's what, +all right. Upon my word and soul, you can see at a glance she's got +the American eye, that girl has. We are speaking of Mme. de Crécy," he +explained, as M. Verdurin joined them, his pipe in his mouth. "I should +say that, as a specimen of the female form--" + +"I'd rather have it in my bed than a clap of thunder!" the words came +tumbling from Cottard, who had for some time been waiting in vain until +Forcheville should pause for breath, so that he might get in his hoary +old joke, a chance for which might not, he feared, come again, if the +conversation should take a different turn; and he produced it now with +that excessive spontaneity and confidence which may often be noticed +attempting to cover up the coldness, and the slight flutter of emotion, +inseparable from a prepared recitation. Forcheville knew and saw the +joke, and was thoroughly amused. As for M. Verdurin, he was unsparing +of his merriment, having recently discovered a way of expressing it by +a symbol, different from his wife's, but equally simple and obvious. +Scarcely had he begun the movement of head and shoulders of a man +who was 'shaking with laughter' than he would begin also to cough, as +though, in laughing too violently, he had swallowed a mouthful of smoke +from his pipe. And by keeping the pipe firmly in his mouth he could +prolong indefinitely the dumb-show of suffocation and hilarity. So he +and Mme. Verdurin (who, at the other side of the room, where the painter +was telling her a story, was shutting her eyes preparatory to flinging +her face into her hands) resembled two masks in a theatre, each +representing Comedy, but in a different way. + +M. Verdurin had been wiser than he knew in not taking his pipe out of +his mouth, for Cottard, having occasion to leave the room for a moment, +murmured a witty euphemism which he had recently acquired and repeated +now whenever he had to go to the place in question: "I must just go and +see the Duc d'Aumale for a minute," so drolly, that M. Verdurin's cough +began all over again. + +"Now, then, take your pipe out of your mouth; can't you see, you'll +choke if you try to bottle up your laughter like that," counselled Mme. +Verdurin, as she came round with a tray of liqueurs. + +"What a delightful man your husband is; he has the wit of a dozen!" +declared Forcheville to Mme. Cottard. "Thank you, thank you, an old +soldier like me can never say 'No' to a drink." + +"M. de Forcheville thinks Odette charming," M. Verdurin told his wife. + +"Why, do you know, she wants so much to meet you again some day at +luncheon. We must arrange it, but don't on any account let Swann hear +about it. He spoils everything, don't you know. I don't mean to say that +you're not to come to dinner too, of course; we hope to see you very +often. Now that the warm weather's coming, we're going to have dinner +out of doors whenever we can. That won't bore you, will it, a quiet +little dinner, now and then, in the Bois? Splendid, splendid, that will +be quite delightful.... + +"Aren't you going to do any work this evening, I say?" she screamed +suddenly to the little pianist, seeing an opportunity for displaying, +before a 'newcomer' of Forcheville's importance, at once her unfailing +wit and her despotic power over the 'faithful.' + +"M. de Forcheville was just going to say something dreadful about you," +Mme. Cottard warned her husband as he reappeared in the room. And he, +still following up the idea of Forcheville's noble birth, which had +obsessed him all through dinner, began again with: "I am treating a +Baroness just now, Baroness Putbus; weren't there some Putbuses in the +Crusades? Anyhow they've got a lake in Pomerania that's ten times the +size of the Place de la Concorde. I am treating her for dry arthritis; +she's a charming woman. Mme. Verdurin knows her too, I believe." + +Which enabled Forcheville, a moment later, finding himself alone with +Mme. Cottard, to complete his favourable verdict on her husband with: +"He's an interesting man, too; you can see that he knows some good +people. Gad! but they get to know a lot of things, those doctors." + +"D'you want me to play the phrase from the sonata for M. Swann?" asked +the pianist. + +"What the devil's that? Not the sonata-snake, I hope!" shouted M. de +Forcheville, hoping to create an effect. But Dr. Cottard, who had +never heard this pun, missed the point of it, and imagined that M. de +Forcheville had made a mistake. He dashed in boldly to correct it: "No, +no. The word isn't _serpent-à-sonates_, it's _serpent-à-sonnettes_!" he +explained in a tone at once zealous, impatient, and triumphant. + +Forcheville explained the joke to him. The Doctor blushed. + +"You'll admit it's not bad, eh, Doctor?" + +"Oh! I've known it for ages." + +Then they were silenced; heralded by the waving tremolo of the +violin-part, which formed a bristling bodyguard of sound two octaves +above it--and as in a mountainous country, against the seeming +immobility of a vertically falling torrent, one may distinguish, two +hundred feet below, the tiny form of a woman walking in the valley--the +little phrase had just appeared, distant but graceful, protected by +the long, gradual unfurling of its transparent, incessant and sonorous +curtain. And Swann, in his heart of hearts, turned to it, spoke to it as +to a confidant in the secret of his love, as to a friend of Odette who +would assure him that he need pay no attention to this Forcheville. + +"Ah! you've come too late!" Mme. Verdurin greeted one of the 'faithful,' +whose invitation had been only 'to look in after dinner,' "we've been +having a simply incomparable Brichot! You never heard such eloquence! +But he's gone. Isn't that so, M. Swann? I believe it's the first time +you've met him," she went on, to emphasize the fact that it was to her +that Swann owed the introduction. "Isn't that so; wasn't he delicious, +our Brichot?" + +Swann bowed politely. + +"No? You weren't interested?" she asked dryly. + +"Oh, but I assure you, I was quite enthralled. He is perhaps a little +too peremptory, a little too jovial for my taste. I should like to see +him a little less confident at times, a little more tolerant, but one +feels that he knows a great deal, and on the whole he seems a very sound +fellow." + +The party broke up very late. Cottard's first words to his wife were: "I +have rarely seen Mme. Verdurin in such form as she was to-night." + +"What exactly is your Mme. Verdurin? A bit of a bad hat, eh?" said +Forcheville to the painter, to whom he had offered a 'lift.' Odette +watched his departure with regret; she dared not refuse to let Swann +take her home, but she was moody and irritable in the carriage, and, +when he asked whether he might come in, replied, "I suppose so," with an +impatient shrug of her shoulders. When they had all gone, Mme. Verdurin +said to her husband: "Did you notice the way Swann laughed, such an +idiotic laugh, when we spoke about Mme. La Trémoïlle?" + +She had remarked, more than once, how Swann and Forcheville suppressed +the particle 'de' before that lady's name. Never doubting that it was +done on purpose, to shew that they were not afraid of a title, she had +made up her mind to imitate their arrogance, but had not quite +grasped what grammatical form it ought to take. Moreover, the natural +corruptness of her speech overcoming her implacable republicanism, +she still said instinctively "the de La Trémoïlles," or, rather (by +an abbreviation sanctified by the usage of music-hall singers and the +writers of the 'captions' beneath caricatures, who elide the 'de'), +"the d'La Trémoïlles," but she corrected herself at once to "Madame La +Trémoïlle.--The _Duchess_, as Swann calls her," she added ironically, +with a smile which proved that she was merely quoting, and would not, +herself, accept the least responsibility for a classification so puerile +and absurd. + +"I don't mind saying that I thought him extremely stupid." + +M. Verdurin took it up. "He's not sincere. He's a crafty customer, +always hovering between one side and the other. He's always trying to +run with the hare and hunt with the hounds. What a difference between +him and Forcheville. There, at least, you have a man who tells you +straight out what he thinks. Either you agree with him or you don't. +Not like the other fellow, who's never definitely fish or fowl. Did you +notice, by the way, that Odette seemed all out for Forcheville, and I +don't blame her, either. And then, after all, if Swann tries to come +the man of fashion over us, the champion of distressed Duchesses, at any +rate the other man has got a title; he's always Comte de Forcheville!" +he let the words slip delicately from his lips, as though, familiar with +every page of the history of that dignity, he were making a scrupulously +exact estimate of its value, in relation to others of the sort. + +"I don't mind saying," Mme. Verdurin went on, "that he saw fit to utter +some most venomous, and quite absurd insinuations against Brichot. +Naturally, once he saw that Brichot was popular in this house, it was a +way of hitting back at us, of spoiling our party. I know his sort, the +dear, good friend of the family, who pulls you all to pieces on the +stairs as he's going away." + +"Didn't I say so?" retorted her husband. "He's simply a failure; a poor +little wretch who goes through life mad with jealousy of anything that's +at all big." + +Had the truth been known, there was not one of the 'faithful' who was +not infinitely more malicious than Swann; but the others would all take +the precaution of tempering their malice with obvious pleasantries, with +little sparks of emotion and cordiality; while the least indication of +reserve on Swann's part, undraped in any such conventional formula +as "Of course, I don't want to say anything--" to which he would have +scorned to descend, appeared to them a deliberate act of treachery. +There are certain original and distinguished authors in whom the least +'freedom of speech' is thought revolting because they have not begun +by flattering the public taste, and serving up to it the commonplace +expressions to which it is used; it was by the same process that Swann +infuriated M. Verdurin. In his case as in theirs it was the novelty +of his language which led his audience to suspect the blackness of his +designs. + +Swann was still unconscious of the disgrace that threatened him at the +Verdurins', and continued to regard all their absurdities in the most +rosy light, through the admiring eyes of love. + +As a rule he made no appointments with Odette except for the evenings; +he was afraid of her growing tired of him if he visited her during the +day as well; at the same time he was reluctant to forfeit, even for +an hour, the place that he held in her thoughts, and so was constantly +looking out for an opportunity of claiming her attention, in any way +that would not be displeasing to her. If, in a florist's or a jeweller's +window, a plant or an ornament caught his eye, he would at once think +of sending them to Odette, imagining that the pleasure which the casual +sight of them had given him would instinctively be felt, also, by her, +and would increase her affection for himself; and he would order them to +be taken at once to the Rue La pérouse, so as to accelerate the moment +in which, as she received an offering from him, he might feel himself, +in a sense, transported into her presence. He was particularly anxious, +always, that she should receive these presents before she went out +for the evening, so that her sense of gratitude towards him might give +additional tenderness to her welcome when he arrived at the Verdurins', +might even--for all he knew--if the shopkeeper made haste, bring him a +letter from her before dinner, or herself, in person, upon his doorstep, +come on a little extraordinary visit of thanks. As in an earlier phase, +when he had experimented with the reflex action of anger and contempt +upon her character, he sought now by that of gratification to elicit +from her fresh particles of her intimate feelings, which she had never +yet revealed. + +Often she was embarrassed by lack of money, and under pressure from +a creditor would come to him for assistance. He enjoyed this, as he +enjoyed everything which could impress Odette with his love for herself, +or merely with his influence, with the extent of the use that she might +make of him. Probably if anyone had said to him, at the beginning, "It's +your position that attracts her," or at this stage, "It's your money +that she's really in love with," he would not have believed the +suggestion, nor would he have been greatly distressed by the thought +that people supposed her to be attached to him, that people felt them +to be united by any ties so binding as those of snobbishness or wealth. +But even if he had accepted the possibility, it might not have caused +him any suffering to discover that Odette's love for him was based on a +foundation more lasting than mere affection, or any attractive qualities +which she might have found in him; on a sound, commercial interest; an +interest which would postpone for ever the fatal day on which she might +be tempted to bring their relations to an end. For the moment, while +he lavished presents upon her, and performed all manner of services, +he could rely on advantages not contained in his person, or in his +intellect, could forego the endless, killing effort to make himself +attractive. And this delight in being a lover, in living by love alone, +of the reality of which he was inclined to be doubtful, the price which, +in the long run, he must pay for it, as a dilettante in immaterial +sensations, enhanced its value in his eyes--as one sees people who are +doubtful whether the sight of the sea and the sound of its waves are +really enjoyable, become convinced that they are, as also of the rare +quality and absolute detachment of their own taste, when they have +agreed to pay several pounds a day for a room in an hotel, from which +that sight and that sound may be enjoyed. + +One day, when reflections of this order had brought him once again to +the memory of the time when some one had spoken to him of Odette as of +a 'kept' woman, and when, once again, he had amused himself with +contrasting that strange personification, the 'kept' woman--an +iridescent mixture of unknown and demoniacal qualities, embroidered, +as in some fantasy of Gustave Moreau, with poison-dripping flowers, +interwoven with precious jewels--with that Odette upon whose face he +had watched the passage of the same expressions of pity for a sufferer, +resentment of an act of injustice, gratitude for an act of kindness, +which he had seen, in earlier days, on his own mother's face, and on +the faces of friends; that Odette, whose conversation had so frequently +turned on the things that he himself knew better than anyone, his +collections, his room, his old servant, his banker, who kept all his +title-deeds and bonds;--the thought of the banker reminded him that he +must call on him shortly, to draw some money. And indeed, if, during the +current month, he were to come less liberally to the aid of Odette in +her financial difficulties than in the month before, when he had given +her five thousand francs, if he refrained from offering her a diamond +necklace for which she longed, he would be allowing her admiration for +his generosity to decline, that gratitude which had made him so happy, +and would even be running the risk of her imagining that his love +for her (as she saw its visible manifestations grow fewer) had itself +diminished. And then, suddenly, he asked himself whether that was not +precisely what was implied by 'keeping' a woman (as if, in fact, that +idea of 'keeping' could be derived from elements not at all mysterious +nor perverse, but belonging to the intimate routine of his daily life, +such as that thousand-franc note, a familiar and domestic object, torn +in places and mended with gummed paper, which his valet, after paying +the household accounts and the rent, had locked up in a drawer in +the old writing-desk whence he had extracted it to send it, with four +others, to Odette) and whether it was not possible to apply to Odette, +since he had known her (for he never imagined for a moment that she +could ever have taken a penny from anyone else, before), that title, +which he had believed so wholly inapplicable to her, of 'kept' woman. He +could not explore the idea further, for a sudden access of that mental +lethargy which was, with him, congenital, intermittent and providential, +happened, at that moment, to extinguish every particle of light in his +brain, as instantaneously as, at a later period, when electric lighting +had been everywhere installed, it became possible, merely by fingering +a switch, to cut off all the supply of light from a house. His mind +fumbled, for a moment, in the darkness, he took off his spectacles, +wiped the glasses, passed his hands over his eyes, but saw no light +until he found himself face to face with a wholly different idea, the +realisation that he must endeavour, in the coming month, to send Odette +six or seven thousand-franc notes instead of five, simply as a surprise +for her and to give her pleasure. + +In the evening, when he did not stay at home until it was time to meet +Odette at the Verdurins', or rather at one of the open-air restaurants +which they liked to frequent in the Bois and especially at Saint-Cloud, +he would go to dine in one of those fashionable houses in which, at one +time, he had been a constant guest. He did not wish to lose touch with +people who, for all that he knew, might be of use, some day, to Odette, +and thanks to whom he was often, in the meantime, able to procure for +her some privilege or pleasure. Besides, he had been used for so long to +the refinement and comfort of good society that, side by side with his +contempt, there had grown up also a desperate need for it, with the +result that, when he had reached the point after which the humblest +lodgings appeared to him as precisely on a par with the most princely +mansions, his senses were so thoroughly accustomed to the latter that he +could not enter the former without a feeling of acute discomfort. He +had the same regard--to a degree of identity which they would never have +suspected--for the little families with small incomes who asked him to +dances in their flats ("straight upstairs to the fifth floor, and the +door on the left") as for the Princesse de Parme, who gave the most +splendid parties in Paris; but he had not the feeling of being actually +'at the ball' when he found himself herded with the fathers of families +in the bedroom of the lady of the house, while the spectacle of +wash-hand-stands covered over with towels, and of beds converted into +cloak-rooms, with a mass of hats and great-coats sprawling over their +counterpanes, gave him the same stifling sensation that, nowadays, +people who have been used for half a lifetime to electric light derive +from a smoking lamp or a candle that needs to be snuffed. If he were +dining out, he would order his carriage for half-past seven; while he +changed his clothes, he would be wondering, all the time, about Odette, +and in this way was never alone, for the constant thought of Odette +gave to the moments in which he was separated from her the same peculiar +charm as to those in which she was at his side. He would get into his +carriage and drive off, but he knew that this thought had jumped in +after him and had settled down upon his knee, like a pet animal which +he might take everywhere, and would keep with him at the dinner-table, +unobserved by his fellow-guests. He would stroke and fondle it, warm +himself with it, and, as a feeling of languor swept over him, would +give way to a slight shuddering movement which contracted his throat +and nostrils--a new experience, this,--as he fastened the bunch of +columbines in his buttonhole. He had for some time been feeling neither +well nor happy, especially since Odette had brought Forcheville to the +Verdurins', and he would have liked to go away for a while to rest in +the country. But he could never summon up courage to leave Paris, even +for a day, while Odette was there. The weather was warm; it was the +finest part of the spring. And for all that he was driving through a +city of stone to immure himself in a house without grass or garden, what +was incessantly before his eyes was a park which he owned, near Combray, +where, at four in the afternoon, before coming to the asparagus-bed, +thanks to the breeze that was wafted across the fields from Méséglise, +he could enjoy the fragrant coolness of the air as well beneath an +arbour of hornbeams in the garden as by the bank of the pond, fringed +with forget-me-not and iris; and where, when he sat down to dinner, +trained and twined by the gardener's skilful hand, there ran all about +his table currant-bush and rose. + +After dinner, if he had an early appointment in the Bois or at +Saint-Cloud, he would rise from table and leave the house so +abruptly--especially if it threatened to rain, and so to scatter the +'faithful' before their normal time--that on one occasion the Princesse +des Laumes (at whose house dinner had been so late that Swann had left +before the coffee came in, to join the Verdurins on the Island in the +Bois) observed: + +"Really, if Swann were thirty years older, and had diabetes, there might +be some excuse for his running away like that. He seems to look upon us +all as a joke." + +He persuaded himself that the spring-time charm, which he could not go +down to Combray to enjoy, he would find at least on the Ile des Cygnes +or at Saint-Cloud. But as he could think only of Odette, he would +return home not knowing even if he had tasted the fragrance of the young +leaves, or if the moon had been shining. He would be welcomed by the +little phrase from the sonata, played in the garden on the restaurant +piano. If there was none in the garden, the Verdurins would have taken +immense pains to have a piano brought out either from a private room +or from the restaurant itself; not because Swann was now restored to +favour; far from it. But the idea of arranging an ingenious form of +entertainment for some one, even for some one whom they disliked, would +stimulate them, during the time spent in its preparation, to a momentary +sense of cordiality and affection. Now and then he would remind himself +that another fine spring evening was drawing to a close, and would force +himself to notice the trees and the sky. But the state of excitement +into which Odette's presence never failed to throw him, added to a +feverish ailment which, for some time now, had scarcely left him, +robbed him of that sense of quiet and comfort which is an indispensable +background to the impressions that we derive from nature. + +One evening, when Swann had consented to dine with the Verdurins, and +had mentioned during dinner that he had to attend, next day, the annual +banquet of an old comrades' association, Odette had at once exclaimed +across the table, in front of everyone, in front of Forcheville, who was +now one of the 'faithful,' in front of the painter, in front of Cottard: + +"Yes, I know, you have your banquet to-morrow; I sha'n't see you, then, +till I get home; don't be too late." + +And although Swann had never yet taken offence, at all seriously, +at Odette's demonstrations of friendship for one or other of the +'faithful,' he felt an exquisite pleasure on hearing her thus avow, +before them all, with that calm immodesty, the fact that they saw each +other regularly every evening, his privileged position in her house, and +her own preference for him which it implied. It was true that Swann had +often reflected that Odette was in no way a remarkable woman; and in +the supremacy which he wielded over a creature so distinctly inferior to +himself there was nothing that especially flattered him when he heard +it proclaimed to all the 'faithful'; but since he had observed that, +to several other men than himself, Odette seemed a fascinating and +desirable woman, the attraction which her body held for him had aroused +a painful longing to secure the absolute mastery of even the tiniest +particles of her heart. And he had begun to attach an incalculable value +to those moments passed in her house in the evenings, when he held her +upon his knee, made her tell him what she thought about this or that, +and counted over that treasure to which, alone of all his earthly +possessions, he still clung. And so, after this dinner, drawing her +aside, he took care to thank her effusively, seeking to indicate to +her by the extent of his gratitude the corresponding intensity of +the pleasures which it was in her power to bestow on him, the supreme +pleasure being to guarantee him immunity, for as long as his love should +last and he remain vulnerable, from the assaults of jealousy. + +When he came away from his banquet, the next evening, it was pouring +rain, and he had nothing but his victoria. A friend offered to take +him home in a closed carriage, and as Odette, by the fact of her having +invited him to come, had given him an assurance that she was expecting +no one else, he could, with a quiet mind and an untroubled heart, rather +than set off thus in the rain, have gone home and to bed. But perhaps, +if she saw that he seemed not to adhere to his resolution to end every +evening, without exception, in her company, she might grow careless, and +fail to keep free for him just the one evening on which he particularly +desired it. + +It was after eleven when he reached her door, and as he made his apology +for having been unable to come away earlier, she complained that it was +indeed very late; the storm had made her unwell, her head ached, and +she warned him that she would not let him stay longer than half an hour, +that at midnight she would send him away; a little while later she felt +tired and wished to sleep. + +"No cattleya, then, to-night?" he asked, "and I've been looking forward +so to a nice little cattleya." + +But she was irresponsive; saying nervously: "No, dear, no cattleya +tonight. Can't you see, I'm not well?" + +"It might have done you good, but I won't bother you." + +She begged him to put out the light before he went; he drew the curtains +close round her bed and left her. But, when he was in his own house +again, the idea suddenly struck him that, perhaps, Odette was expecting +some one else that evening, that she had merely pretended to be tired, +that she had asked him to put the light out only so that he should +suppose that she was going to sleep, that the moment he had left +the house she had lighted it again, and had reopened her door to the +stranger who was to be her guest for the night. He looked at his watch. +It was about an hour and a half since he had left her; he went out, took +a cab, and stopped it close to her house, in a little street running at +right angles to that other street, which lay at the back of her house, +and along which he used to go, sometimes, to tap upon her bedroom +window, for her to let him in. He left his cab; the streets were all +deserted and dark; he walked a few yards and came out almost opposite +her house. Amid the glimmering blackness of all the row of windows, the +lights in which had long since been put out, he saw one, and only one, +from which overflowed, between the slats of its shutters, dosed like a +wine-press over its mysterious golden juice, the light that filled the +room within, a light which on so many evenings, as soon as he saw it, +far off, as he turned into the street, had rejoiced his heart with its +message: "She is there--expecting you," and now tortured him with: "She +is there with the man she was expecting." He must know who; he tiptoed +along by the wall until he reached the window, but between the slanting +bars of the shutters he could see nothing; he could hear, only, in the +silence of the night, the murmur of conversation. What agony he suffered +as he watched that light, in whose golden atmosphere were moving, behind +the closed sash, the unseen and detested pair, as he listened to that +murmur which revealed the presence of the man who had crept in after his +own departure, the perfidy of Odette, and the pleasures which she was at +that moment tasting with the stranger. + +And yet he was not sorry that he had come; the torment which had forced +him to leave his own house had lost its sharpness when it lost its +uncertainty, now that Odette's other life, of which he had had, at that +first moment, a sudden helpless suspicion, was definitely there, almost +within his grasp, before his eyes, in the full glare of the lamp-light, +caught and kept there, an unwitting prisoner, in that room into which, +when he would, he might force his way to surprise and seize it; or +rather he would tap upon the shutters, as he had often done when he had +come there very late, and by that signal Odette would at least learn +that he knew, that he had seen the light and had heard the voices; while +he himself, who a moment ago had been picturing her as laughing at him, +as sharing with that other the knowledge of how effectively he had been +tricked, now it was he that saw them, confident and persistent in +their error, tricked and trapped by none other than himself, whom they +believed to be a mile away, but who was there, in person, there with a +plan, there with the knowledge that he was going, in another minute, to +tap upon the shutter. And, perhaps, what he felt (almost an agreeable +feeling) at that moment was something more than relief at the solution +of a doubt, at the soothing of a pain; was an intellectual pleasure. +If, since he had fallen in love, things had recovered a little of the +delicate attraction that they had had for him long ago--though only when +a light was shed upon them by a thought, a memory of Odette--now it was +another of the faculties, prominent in the studious days of his youth, +that Odette had quickened with new life, the passion for truth, but for +a truth which, too, was interposed between himself and his mistress, +receiving its light from her alone, a private and personal truth the +sole object of which (an infinitely precious object, and one almost +impersonal in its absolute beauty) was Odette--Odette in her activities, +her environment, her projects, and her past. At every other period in +his life, the little everyday words and actions of another person had +always seemed wholly valueless to Swann; if gossip about such things +were repeated to him, he would dismiss it as insignificant, and while he +listened it was only the lowest, the most commonplace part of his +mind that was interested; at such moments he felt utterly dull and +uninspired. But in this strange phase of love the personality of another +person becomes so enlarged, so deepened, that the curiosity which +he could now feel aroused in himself, to know the least details of a +woman's daily occupation, was the same thirst for knowledge with which +he had once studied history. And all manner of actions, from which, +until now, he would have recoiled in shame, such as spying, to-night, +outside a window, to-morrow, for all he knew, putting adroitly +provocative questions to casual witnesses, bribing servants, listening +at doors, seemed to him, now, to be precisely on a level with the +deciphering of manuscripts, the weighing of evidence, the interpretation +of old monuments, that was to say, so many different methods of +scientific investigation, each one having a definite intellectual value +and being legitimately employable in the search for truth. + +As his hand stole out towards the shutters he felt a pang of shame at +the thought that Odette would now know that he had suspected her, that +he had returned, that he had posted himself outside her window. She +had often told him what a horror she had of jealous men, of lovers who +spied. What he was going to do would be extremely awkward, and she would +detest him for ever after, whereas now, for the moment, for so long as +he refrained from knocking, perhaps even in the act of infidelity, she +loved him still. How often is not the prospect of future happiness +thus sacrificed to one's impatient insistence upon an immediate +gratification. But his desire to know the truth was stronger, and seemed +to him nobler than his desire for her. He knew that the true story +of certain events, which he would have given his life to be able to +reconstruct accurately and in full, was to be read within that window, +streaked with bars of light, as within the illuminated, golden boards of +one of those precious manuscripts, by whose wealth of artistic treasures +the scholar who consults them cannot remain unmoved. He yearned for +the satisfaction of knowing the truth which so impassioned him in that +brief, fleeting, precious transcript, on that translucent page, so warm, +so beautiful. And besides, the advantage which he felt--which he so +desperately wanted to feel--that he had over them, lay perhaps not so +much in knowing as in being able to shew them that he knew. He drew +himself up on tiptoe. He knocked. They had not heard; he knocked again; +louder; their conversation ceased. A man's voice--he strained his ears +to distinguish whose, among such of Odette's friends as he knew, the +voice could be--asked: + +"Who's that?" + +He could not be certain of the voice. He knocked once again. The window +first, then the shutters were thrown open. It was too late, now, to +retire, and since she must know all, so as not to seem too contemptible, +too jealous and inquisitive, he called out in a careless, hearty, +welcoming tone: + +"Please don't bother; I just happened to be passing, and saw the light. +I wanted to know if you were feeling better." + +He looked up. Two old gentlemen stood facing him, in the window, one +of them with a lamp in his hand; and beyond them he could see into +the room, a room that he had never seen before. Having fallen into the +habit, when he came late to Odette, of identifying her window by +the fact that it was the only one still lighted in a row of windows +otherwise all alike, he had been misled, this time, by the light, and +had knocked at the window beyond hers, in the adjoining house. He made +what apology he could and hurried home, overjoyed that the satisfaction +of his curiosity had preserved their love intact, and that, having +feigned for so long, when in Odette's company, a sort of indifference, +he had not now, by a demonstration of jealousy, given her that proof +of the excess of his own passion which, in a pair of lovers, fully and +finally dispenses the recipient from the obligation to love the other +enough. He never spoke to her of this misadventure, he ceased even to +think of it himself. But now and then his thoughts in their wandering +course would come upon this memory where it lay unobserved, would +startle it into life, thrust it more deeply down into his consciousness, +and leave him aching with a sharp, far-rooted pain. As though this had +been a bodily pain, Swann's mind was powerless to alleviate it; in the +case of bodily pain, however, since it is independent of the mind, the +mind can dwell upon it, can note that it has diminished, that it has +momentarily ceased. But with this mental pain, the mind, merely by +recalling it, created it afresh. To determine not to think of it was but +to think of it still, to suffer from it still. And when, in conversation +with his friends, he forgot his sufferings, suddenly a word casually +uttered would make him change countenance as a wounded man does when a +clumsy hand has touched his aching limb. When he came away from Odette, +he was happy, he felt calm, he recalled the smile with which, in gentle +mockery, she had spoken to him of this man or of that, a smile which was +all tenderness for himself; he recalled the gravity of her head which +she seemed to have lifted from its axis to let it droop and fall, as +though against her will, upon his lips, as she had done on that first +evening in the carriage; her languishing gaze at him while she lay +nestling in his arms, her bended head seeming to recede between her +shoulders, as though shrinking from the cold. + +But then, at once, his jealousy, as it had been the shadow of his love, +presented him with the complement, with the converse of that new smile +with which she had greeted him that very evening,--with which, now, +perversely, she was mocking Swann while she tendered her love to +another--of that lowering of her head, but lowered now to fall on other +lips, and (but bestowed upon a stranger) of all the marks of affection +that she had shewn to him. And all these voluptuous memories which he +bore away from her house were, as one might say, but so many sketches, +rough plans, like the schemes of decoration which a designer submits to +one in outline, enabling Swann to form an idea of the various attitudes, +aflame or faint with passion, which she was capable of adopting for +others. With the result that he came to regret every pleasure that he +tasted in her company, every new caress that he invented (and had been +so imprudent as to point out to her how delightful it was), every fresh +charm that he found in her, for he knew that, a moment later, they +would go to enrich the collection of instruments in his secret +torture-chamber. + +A fresh turn was given to the screw when Swann recalled a sudden +expression which he had intercepted, a few days earlier, and for the +first time, in Odette's eyes. It was after dinner at the Verdurins'. +Whether it was because Forcheville, aware that Saniette, his +brother-in-law, was not in favour with them, had decided to make a butt +of him, and to shine at his expense, or because he had been annoyed +by some awkward remark which Saniette had made to him, although it had +passed unnoticed by the rest of the party who knew nothing of whatever +tactless allusion it might conceal, or possibly because he had been for +some time looking out for an opportunity of securing the expulsion from +the house of a fellow-guest who knew rather too much about him, and +whom he knew to be so nice-minded that he himself could not help feeling +embarrassed at times merely by his presence in the room, Forcheville +replied to Saniette's tactless utterance with such a volley of abuse, +going out of his way to insult him, emboldened, the louder he shouted, +by the fear, the pain, the entreaties of his victim, that the poor +creature, after asking Mme. Verdurin whether he should stay and +receiving no answer, had left the house in stammering confusion and with +tears in his eyes. Odette had looked on, impassive, at this scene; but +when the door had closed behind Saniette, she had forced the normal +expression of her face down, as the saying is, by several pegs, so as to +bring herself on to the same level of vulgarity as Forcheville; her eyes +had sparkled with a malicious smile of congratulation upon his audacity, +of ironical pity for the poor wretch who had been its victim; she +had darted at him a look of complicity in the crime, which so clearly +implied: "That's finished him off, or I'm very much mistaken. Did you +see what a fool he looked? He was actually crying," that Forcheville, +when his eyes met hers, sobered in a moment from the anger, or pretended +anger with which he was still flushed, smiled as he explained: "He need +only have made himself pleasant and he'd have been here still; a good +scolding does a man no harm, at any time." + +One day when Swann had gone out early in the afternoon to pay a call, +and had failed to find the person at home whom he wished to see, it +occurred to him to go, instead, to Odette, at an hour when, although he +never went to her house then as a rule, he knew that she was always at +home, resting or writing letters until tea-time, and would enjoy seeing +her for a moment, if it did not disturb her. The porter told him that he +believed Odette to be in; Swann rang the bell, thought that he heard a +sound, that he heard footsteps, but no one came to the door. Anxious and +annoyed, he went round to the other little street, at the back of her +house, and stood beneath her bedroom window; the curtains were drawn and +he could see nothing; he knocked loudly upon the pane, he shouted; still +no one came. He could see that the neighbours were staring at him. He +turned away, thinking that, after all, he had perhaps been mistaken in +believing that he heard footsteps; but he remained so preoccupied with +the suspicion that he could turn his mind to nothing else. After waiting +for an hour, he returned. He found her at home; she told him that she +had been in the house when he rang, but had been asleep; the bell had +awakened her; she had guessed that it must be Swann, and had run out +to meet him, but he had already gone. She had, of course, heard him +knocking at the window. Swann could at once detect in this story one of +those fragments of literal truth which liars, when taken by surprise, +console themselves by introducing into the composition of the falsehood +which they have to invent, thinking that it can be safely incorporated, +and will lend the whole story an air of verisimilitude. It was true +that, when Odette had just done something which she did not wish to +disclose, she would take pains to conceal it in a secret place in her +heart. But as soon as she found herself face to face with the man to +whom she was obliged to lie, she became uneasy, all her ideas melted +like wax before a flame, her inventive and her reasoning faculties +were paralysed, she might ransack her brain but would find only a void; +still, she must say something, and there lay within her reach precisely +the fact which she had wished to conceal, which, being the truth, was +the one thing that had remained. She broke off from it a tiny fragment, +of no importance in itself, assuring herself that, after all, it was +the best thing to do, since it was a detail of the truth, and less +dangerous, therefore, than a falsehood. "At any rate, this is true," +she said to herself; "that's always something to the good; he may make +inquiries; he will see that this is true; it won't be this, anyhow, that +will give me away." But she was wrong; it was what gave her away; she +had not taken into account that this fragmentary detail of the truth +had sharp edges which could not be made to fit in, except to those +contiguous fragments of the truth from which she had arbitrarily +detached it, edges which, whatever the fictitious details in which she +might embed it, would continue to shew, by their overlapping angles and +by the gaps which she had forgotten to fill, that its proper place was +elsewhere. + +"She admits that she heard me ring, and then knock, that she knew it was +myself, that she wanted to see me," Swann thought to himself. "But that +doesn't correspond with the fact that she did not let me in." + +He did not, however, draw her attention to this inconsistency, for he +thought that, if left to herself, Odette might perhaps produce some +falsehood which would give him a faint indication of the truth; she +spoke; he did not interrupt her, he gathered up, with an eager and +sorrowful piety, the words that fell from her lips, feeling (and rightly +feeling, since she was hiding the truth behind them as she spoke) that, +like the veil of a sanctuary, they kept a vague imprint, traced a +faint outline of that infinitely precious and, alas, undiscoverable +truth;--what she had been doing, that afternoon, at three o'clock, when +he had called,--a truth of which he would never possess any more than +these falsifications, illegible and divine traces, a truth which would +exist henceforward only in the secretive memory of this creature, who +would contemplate it in utter ignorance of its value, but would never +yield it up to him. It was true that he had, now and then, a strong +suspicion that Odette's daily activities were not in themselves +passionately interesting, and that such relations as she might have with +other men did not exhale, naturally, in a universal sense, or for every +rational being, a spirit of morbid gloom capable of infecting with +fever or of inciting to suicide. He realised, at such moments, that that +interest, that gloom, existed in him only as a malady might exist, and +that, once he was cured of the malady, the actions of Odette, the kisses +that she might have bestowed, would become once again as innocuous as +those of countless other women. But the consciousness that the painful +curiosity with which Swann now studied them had its origin only in +himself was not enough to make him decide that it was unreasonable to +regard that curiosity as important, and to take every possible step +to satisfy it. Swann had, in fact, reached an age the philosophy of +which--supported, in his case, by the current philosophy of the day, as +well as by that of the circle in which he had spent most of his life, +the group that surrounded the Princesse des Laumes, in which one's +intelligence was understood to increase with the strength of one's +disbelief in everything, and nothing real and incontestable was to be +discovered, except the individual tastes of each of its members--is no +longer that of youth, but a positive, almost a medical philosophy, the +philosophy of men who, instead of fixing their aspirations upon external +objects, endeavour to separate from the accumulation of the years +already spent a definite residue of habits and passions which they +can regard as characteristic and permanent, and with which they will +deliberately arrange, before anything else, that the kind of existence +which they choose to adopt shall not prove inharmonious. Swann deemed +it wise to make allowance in his life for the suffering which he derived +from not knowing what Odette had done, just as he made allowance for the +impetus which a damp climate always gave to his eczema; to anticipate +in his budget the expenditure of a considerable sum on procuring, with +regard to the daily occupations of Odette, information the lack of +which would make him unhappy, just as he reserved a margin for the +gratification of other tastes from which he knew that pleasure was to be +expected (at least, before he had fallen in love) such as his taste for +collecting things, or for good cooking. + +When he proposed to take leave of Odette, and to return home, she begged +him to stay a little longer, and even detained him forcibly, seizing him +by the arm as he was opening the door to go. But he gave no thought to +that, for, among the crowd of gestures and speeches and other little +incidents which go to make up a conversation, it is inevitable that we +should pass (without noticing anything that arouses our interest) by +those that hide a truth for which our suspicions are blindly searching, +whereas we stop to examine others beneath which nothing lies concealed. +She kept on saying: "What a dreadful pity; you never by any chance come +in the afternoon, and the one time you do come then I miss you." He knew +very well that she was not sufficiently in love with him to be so +keenly distressed merely at having missed his visit, but as she was a +good-natured woman, anxious to give him pleasure, and often sorry when +she had done anything that annoyed him, he found it quite natural that +she should be sorry, on this occasion, that she had deprived him of that +pleasure of spending an hour in her company, which was so very great a +pleasure, if not to herself, at any rate to him. All the same, it was a +matter of so little importance that her air of unrelieved sorrow began +at length to bewilder him. She reminded him, even more than was +usual, of the faces of some of the women created by the painter of +the Primavera.' She had, at that moment, their downcast, heartbroken +expression, which seems ready to succumb beneath the burden of a grief +too heavy to be borne, when they are merely allowing the Infant Jesus to +play with a pomegranate, or watching Moses pour water into a trough. He +had seen the same sorrow once before on her face, but when, he could +no longer say. Then, suddenly, he remembered it; it was when Odette had +lied, in apologising to Mme. Verdurin on the evening after the dinner +from which she had stayed away on a pretext of illness, but really so +that she might be alone with Swann. Surely, even had she been the most +scrupulous of women, she could hardly have felt remorse for so innocent +a lie. But the lies which Odette ordinarily told were less innocent, and +served to prevent discoveries which might have involved her in the most +terrible difficulties with one or another of her friends. And so, when +she lied, smitten with fear, feeling herself to be but feebly armed for +her defence, unconfident of success, she was inclined to weep from sheer +exhaustion, as children weep sometimes when they have not slept. She +knew, also, that her lie, as a rule, was doing a serious injury to the +man to whom she was telling it, and that she might find herself at +his mercy if she told it badly. Therefore she felt at once humble and +culpable in his presence. And when she had to tell an insignificant, +social lie its hazardous associations, and the memories which it +recalled, would leave her weak with a sense of exhaustion and penitent +with a consciousness of wrongdoing. + +What depressing lie was she now concocting for Swann's benefit, to give +her that pained expression, that plaintive voice, which seemed to falter +beneath the effort that she was forcing herself to make, and to plead +for pardon? He had an idea that it was not merely the truth about what +had occurred that afternoon that she was endeavouring to hide from him, +but something more immediate, something, possibly, which had not yet +happened, but might happen now at any time, and, when it did, would +throw a light upon that earlier event. At that moment, he heard the +front-door bell ring. Odette never stopped speaking, but her words +dwindled into an inarticulate moan. Her regret at not having seen Swann +that afternoon, at not having opened the door to him, had melted into a +universal despair. + +He could hear the gate being closed, and the sound of a carriage, as +though some one were going away--probably the person whom Swann must on +no account meet--after being told that Odette was not at home. And then, +when he reflected that, merely by coming at an hour when he was not in +the habit of coming, he had managed to disturb so many arrangements of +which she did not wish him to know, he had a feeling of discouragement +that amounted, almost, to distress. But since he was in love with +Odette, since he was in the habit of turning all his thoughts towards +her, the pity with which he might have been inspired for himself he felt +for her only, and murmured: "Poor darling!" When finally he left her, +she took up several letters which were lying on the table, and asked him +if he would be so good as to post them for her. He walked along to the +post-office, took the letters from his pocket, and, before dropping each +of them into the box, scanned its address. They were all to tradesmen, +except the last, which was to Forcheville. He kept it in his hand. "If +I saw what was in this," he argued, "I should know what she calls him, +what she says to him, whether there really is anything between them. +Perhaps, if I don't look inside, I shall be lacking in delicacy towards +Odette, since in this way alone I can rid myself of a suspicion which +is, perhaps, a calumny on her, which must, in any case, cause her +suffering, and which can never possibly be set at rest, once the letter +is posted." + +He left the post-office and went home, but he had kept the last letter +in his pocket. He lighted a candle, and held up close to its flame the +envelope which he had not dared to open. At first he could distinguish +nothing, but the envelope was thin, and by pressing it down on to the +stiff card which it enclosed he was able, through the transparent paper, +to read the concluding words. They were a coldly formal signature. If, +instead of its being himself who was looking at a letter addressed to +Forcheville, it had been Forcheville who had read a letter addressed +to Swann, he might have found words in it of another, a far more tender +kind! He took a firm hold of the card, which was sliding to and fro, the +envelope being too large for it and then, by moving it with his finger +and thumb, brought one line after another beneath the part of the +envelope where the paper was not doubled, through which alone it was +possible to read. + +In spite of all these manoeuvres he could not make it out clearly. Not +that it mattered, for he had seen enough to assure himself that the +letter was about some trifling incident of no importance, and had +nothing at all to do with love; it was something to do with Odette's +uncle. Swann had read quite plainly at the beginning of the line "I +was right," but did not understand what Odette had been right in doing, +until suddenly a word which he had not been able, at first, to decipher, +came to light and made the whole sentence intelligible: "I was right to +open the door; it was my uncle." To open the door! Then Forcheville had +been there when Swann rang the bell, and she had sent him away; hence +the sound that Swann had heard. + +After that he read the whole letter; at the end she apologised for +having treated Forcheville with so little ceremony, and reminded him +that he had left his cigarette-case at her house, precisely what she +had written to Swann after one of his first visits. But to Swann she had +added: "Why did you not forget your heart also? I should never have let +you have that back." To Forcheville nothing of that sort; no allusion +that could suggest any intrigue between them. And, really, he was +obliged to admit that in all this business Forcheville had been worse +treated than himself, since Odette was writing to him to make him +believe that her visitor had been an uncle. From which it followed that +he, Swann, was the man to whom she attached importance, and for whose +sake she had sent the other away. And yet, if there had been nothing +between Odette and Forcheville, why not have opened the door at once, +why have said, "I was right to open the door; it was my uncle." Right? +if she was doing nothing wrong at that moment how could Forcheville +possibly have accounted for her not opening the door? For a time Swann +stood still there, heartbroken, bewildered, and yet happy; gazing at +this envelope which Odette had handed to him without a scruple, so +absolute was her trust in his honour; through its transparent window +there had been disclosed to him, with the secret history of an incident +which he had despaired of ever being able to learn, a fragment of the +life of Odette, seen as through a narrow, luminous incision, cut into +its surface without her knowledge. Then his jealousy rejoiced at the +discovery, as though that jealousy had had an independent existence, +fiercely egotistical, gluttonous of every thing that would feed its +vitality, even at the expense of Swann himself. Now it had food in +store, and Swann could begin to grow uneasy afresh every evening, over +the visits that Odette had received about five o'clock, and could +seek to discover where Forcheville had been at that hour. For Swann's +affection for Odette still preserved the form which had been imposed on +it, from the beginning, by his ignorance of the occupations in which she +passed her days, as well as by the mental lethargy which prevented him +from supplementing that ignorance by imagination. He was not jealous, at +first, of the whole of Odette's life, but of those moments only in which +an incident, which he had perhaps misinterpreted, had led him to suppose +that Odette might have played him false. His jealousy, like an octopus +which throws out a first, then a second, and finally a third tentacle, +fastened itself irremovably first to that moment, five o'clock in +the afternoon, then to another, then to another again. But Swann was +incapable of inventing his sufferings. They were only the memory, the +perpetuation of a suffering that had come to him from without. + +From without, however, everything brought him fresh suffering. He +decided to separate Odette from Forcheville, by taking her away for a +few days to the south. But he imagined that she was coveted by every +male person in the hotel, and that she coveted them in return. And so +he, who, in old days, when he travelled, used always to seek out new +people and crowded places, might now be seen fleeing savagely from human +society as if it had cruelly injured him. And how could he not have +turned misanthrope, when in every man he saw a potential lover for +Odette? Thus his jealousy did even more than the happy, passionate +desire which he had originally felt for Odette had done to alter Swann's +character, completely changing, in the eyes of the world, even the +outward signs by which that character had been intelligible. + +A month after the evening on which he had intercepted and read Odette's +letter to Forcheville, Swann went to a dinner which the Verdurins were +giving in the Bois. As the party was breaking up he noticed a series of +whispered discussions between Mme. Verdurin and several of her guests, +and thought that he heard the pianist being reminded to come next day to +a party at Chatou; now he, Swann, had not been invited to any party. + +The Verdurins had spoken only in whispers, and in vague terms, but the +painter, perhaps without thinking, shouted out: "There must be no lights +of any sort, and he must play the Moonlight Sonata in the dark, for us +to see by." + +Mme. Verdurin, seeing that Swann was within earshot, assumed that +expression in which the two-fold desire to make the speaker be quiet and +to preserve, oneself, an appearance of guilelessness in the eyes of the +listener, is neutralised in an intense vacuity; in which the unflinching +signs of intelligent complicity are overlaid by the smiles of innocence, +an expression invariably adopted by anyone who has noticed a blunder, +the enormity of which is thereby at once revealed if not to those who +have made it, at any rate to him in whose hearing it ought not to have +been made. Odette seemed suddenly to be in despair, as though she had +decided not to struggle any longer against the crushing difficulties of +life, and Swann was anxiously counting the minutes that still separated +him from the point at which, after leaving the restaurant, while he +drove her home, he would be able to ask for an explanation, to make her +promise, either that she would not go to Chatou next day, or that she +would procure an invitation for him also, and to lull to rest in her +arms the anguish that still tormented him. At last the carriages were +ordered. Mme. Verdurin said to Swann: + +"Good-bye, then. We shall see you soon, I hope," trying, by the +friendliness of her manner and the constraint of her smile, to prevent +him from noticing that she was not saying, as she would always have +until then: + +"To-morrow, then, at Chatou, and at my house the day after." M. and Mme. +Verdurin made Forcheville get into their carriage; Swann's was drawn up +behind it, and he waited for theirs to start before helping Odette into +his own. + +"Odette, we'll take you," said Mme. Verdurin, "we've kept a little +corner specially for you, beside M. de Forcheville." + +"Yes, Mme. Verdurin," said Odette meekly. + +"What! I thought I was to take you home," cried Swann, flinging +discretion to the winds, for the carriage-door hung open, time was +precious, and he could not, in his present state, go home without her. + +"But Mme. Verdurin has asked me..." + +"That's all right, you can quite well go home alone; we've left you like +this dozens of times," said Mme. Verdurin. + +"But I had something important to tell Mme. de Crécy." + +"Very well, you can write it to her instead." + +"Good-bye," said Odette, holding out her hand. + +He tried hard to smile, but could only succeed in looking utterly +dejected. + +"What do you think of the airs that Swann is pleased to put on with +us?" Mme. Verdurin asked her husband when they had reached home. "I was +afraid he was going to eat me, simply because we offered to take Odette +back. It really is too bad, that sort of thing. Why doesn't he say, +straight out, that we keep a disorderly house? I can't conceive how +Odette can stand such manners. He positively seems to be saying, all the +time, 'You belong to me!' I shall tell Odette exactly what I think about +it all, and I hope she will have the sense to understand me." A moment +later she added, inarticulate with rage: "No, but, don't you see, the +filthy creature..." using unconsciously, and perhaps in satisfaction of +the same obscure need to justify herself--like Françoise at Combray when +the chicken refused to die--the very words which the last convulsions of +an inoffensive animal in its death agony wring from the peasant who is +engaged in taking its life. And when Mme. Verdurin's carriage had moved +on, and Swann's took its place, his coachman, catching sight of his +face, asked whether he was unwell, or had heard bad news. + +Swann sent him away; he preferred to walk, and it was on foot, through +the Bois, that he came home. He talked to himself, aloud, and in +the same slightly affected tone which he had been used to adopt +when describing the charms of the 'little nucleus' and extolling the +magnanimity of the Verdurins. But just as the conversation, the smiles, +the kisses of Odette became as odious to him as he had once found +them charming, if they were diverted to others than himself, so the +Verdurins' drawing-room, which, not an hour before, had still seemed +to him amusing, inspired with a genuine feeling for art and even with +a sort of moral aristocracy, now that it was another than himself whom +Odette was going to meet there, to love there without restraint, laid +bare to him all its absurdities, its stupidity, its shame. + +He drew a fanciful picture, at which he shuddered in disgust, of the +party next evening at Chatou. "Imagine going to Chatou, of all places! +Like a lot of drapers after closing time! Upon my word, these people are +sublime in their smugness; they can't really exist; they must all have +come out of one of Labiche's plays!" + +The Cottards would be there; possibly Brichot. "Could anything be more +grotesque than the lives of these little creatures, hanging on to one +another like that. They'd imagine they were utterly lost, upon my soul +they would, if they didn't all meet again to-morrow at _Chatou_!" +Alas! there would be the painter there also, the painter who enjoyed +match-making, who would invite Forcheville to come with Odette to his +studio. He could see Odette, in a dress far too smart for the country, +"for she is so vulgar in that way, and, poor little thing, she is such a +fool!" + +He could hear the jokes that Mme. Verdurin would make after dinner, +jokes which, whoever the 'bore' might be at whom they were aimed, +had always amused him because he could watch Odette laughing at them, +laughing with him, her laughter almost a part of his. Now he felt that +it was possibly at him that they would make Odette laugh. "What a fetid +form of humour!" he exclaimed, twisting his mouth into an expression of +disgust so violent that he could feel the muscles of his throat stiffen +against his collar. "How, in God's name, can a creature made in His +image find anything to laugh at in those nauseating witticisms? The +least sensitive nose must be driven away in horror from such stale +exhalations. It is really impossible to believe that any human being is +incapable of understanding that, in allowing herself merely to smile at +the expense of a fellow-creature who has loyally held out his hand +to her, she is casting herself into a mire from which it will be +impossible, with the best will in the world, ever to rescue her. I dwell +so many miles above the puddles in which these filthy little vermin +sprawl and crawl and bawl their cheap obscenities, that I cannot +possibly be spattered by the witticisms of a Verdurin!" he cried, +tossing up his head and arrogantly straightening his body. "God knows +that I have honestly attempted to pull Odette out of that sewer, and to +teach her to breathe a nobler and a purer air. But human patience has +its limits, and mine is at an end," he concluded, as though this sacred +mission to tear Odette away from an atmosphere of sarcasms dated from +longer than a few minutes ago, as though he had not undertaken it only +since it had occurred to him that those sarcasms might, perchance, be +directed at himself, and might have the effect of detaching Odette from +him. + +He could see the pianist sitting down to play the Moonlight Sonata, and +the grimaces of Mme. Verdurin, in terrified anticipation of the wrecking +of her nerves by Beethoven's music. "Idiot, liar!" he shouted, "and a +creature like that imagines that she's fond of _Art_!" She would say to +Odette, after deftly insinuating a few words of praise for Forcheville, +as she had so often done for himself: "You can make room for M. de +Forcheville there, can't you, Odette?"... '"In the dark!' Codfish! +Pander!"... 'Pander' was the name he applied also to the music which +would invite them to sit in silence, to dream together, to gaze in each +other's eyes, to feel for each other's hands. He felt that there was +much to be said, after all, for a sternly censorous attitude towards +the arts, such as Plato adopted, and Bossuet, and the old school of +education in France. + +In a word, the life which they led at the Verdurins', which he had so +often described as 'genuine,' seemed to him now the worst possible form +of life, and their 'little nucleus' the most degraded class of society. +"It really is," he repeated, "beneath the lowest rung of the social +ladder, the nethermost circle of Dante. Beyond a doubt, the august words +of the Florentine refer to the Verdurins! When one comes to think of it, +surely people 'in society' (and, though one may find fault with them now +and then, still, after all they are a very different matter from that +gang of blackmailers) shew a profound sagacity in refusing to know +them, or even to dirty the tips of their fingers with them. What a sound +intuition there is in that '_Noli me tangere_' motto of the Faubourg +Saint-Germain." + +He had long since emerged from the paths and avenues of the Bois, he had +almost reached his own house, and still, for he had not yet thrown off +the intoxication of grief, or his whim of insincerity, but was ever more +and more exhilarated by the false intonation, the artificial sonority +of his own voice, he continued to perorate aloud in the silence of the +night: "People 'in society' have their failings, as no one knows better +than I; but, after all, they are people to whom some things, at least, +are impossible. So-and-so" (a fashionable woman whom he had known) +"was far from being perfect, but, after all, one did find in her a +fundamental delicacy, a loyalty in her conduct which made her, whatever +happened, incapable of a felony, which fixes a vast gulf between her and +an old hag like Verdurin. Verdurin! What a name! Oh, there's something +complete about them, something almost fine in their trueness to type; +they're the most perfect specimens of their disgusting class! Thank God, +it was high time that I stopped condescending to promiscuous intercourse +with such infamy, such dung." + +But, just as the virtues which he had still attributed, an hour or so +earlier, to the Verdurins, would not have sufficed, even although the +Verdurins had actually possessed them, if they had not also favoured +and protected his love, to excite Swann to that state of intoxication +in which he waxed tender over their magnanimity, an intoxication which, +even when disseminated through the medium of other persons, could +have come to him from Odette alone;--so the immorality (had it really +existed) which he now found in the Verdurins would have been powerless, +if they had not invited Odette with Forcheville and without him, to +unstop the vials of his wrath and to make him scarify their 'infamy.' +Doubtless Swann's voice shewed a finer perspicacity than his own when it +refused to utter those words full of disgust at the Verdurins and their +circle, and of joy at his having shaken himself free of it, save in an +artificial and rhetorical tone, and as though his words had been chosen +rather to appease his anger than to express his thoughts. The latter, in +fact, while he abandoned himself to invective, were probably, though he +did not know it, occupied with a wholly different matter, for once he +had reached his house, no sooner had he closed the front-door behind him +than he suddenly struck his forehead, and, making his servant open the +door again, dashed out into the street shouting, in a voice which, +this time, was quite natural; "I believe I have found a way of getting +invited to the dinner at Chatou to-morrow!" But it must have been a +bad way, for M. Swann was not invited; Dr. Cottard, who, having been +summoned to attend a serious case in the country, had not seen the +Verdurins for some days, and had been prevented from appearing at +Chatou, said, on the evening after this dinner, as he sat down to table +at their house: + +"Why, aren't we going to see M. Swann this evening? He is quite what you +might call a personal friend..." "I sincerely trust that we sha'n't!" +cried Mme. Verdurin. "Heaven preserve us from him; he's too deadly for +words, a stupid, ill-bred boor." + +On hearing these words Cottard exhibited an intense astonishment blended +with entire submission, as though in the face of a scientific truth +which contradicted everything that he had previously believed, but was +supported by an irresistible weight of evidence; with timorous +emotion he bowed his head over his plate, and merely replied: +"Oh--oh--oh--oh--oh!" traversing, in an orderly retirement of his +forces, into the depths of his being, along a descending scale, the +whole compass of his voice. After which there was no more talk of Swann +at the Verdurins'. + +And so that drawing-room which had brought Swann and Odette together +became an obstacle in the way of their meeting. She no longer said to +him, as she had said in the early days of their love: "We shall meet, +anyhow, to-morrow evening; there's a supper-party at the Verdurins'," +but "We sha'n't be able to meet to-morrow evening; there's a +supper-party at the Verdurins'." Or else the Verdurins were taking her +to the Opéra-Comique, to see _Une Nuit de Cléopâtre_, and Swann could +read in her eyes that terror lest he should ask her not to go, which, +but a little time before, he could not have refrained from greeting +with a kiss as it flitted across the face of his mistress, but which now +exasperated him. "Yet I'm not really angry," he assured himself, "when I +see how she longs to run away and scratch from maggots in that +dunghill of cacophony. I'm disappointed; not for myself, but for her; +disappointed to find that, after living for more than six months in +daily contact with myself, she has not been capable of improving her +mind even to the point of spontaneously eradicating from it a taste for +Victor Massé! More than that, to find that she has not arrived at the +stage of understanding that there are evenings on which anyone with +the least shade of refinement of feeling should be willing to forego +an amusement when she is asked to do so. She ought to have the sense to +say: 'I shall not go,' if it were only from policy, since it is by what +she answers now that the quality of her soul will be determined once and +for all." And having persuaded himself that it was solely, after all, +in order that he might arrive at a favourable estimate of Odette's +spiritual worth that he wished her to stay at home with him that evening +instead of going to the Opéra-Comique, he adopted the same line of +reasoning with her, with the same degree of insincerity as he had +used with himself, or even with a degree more, for in her case he was +yielding also to the desire to capture her by her own self-esteem. + +"I swear to you," he told her, shortly before she was to leave for the +theatre, "that, in asking you not to go, I should hope, were I a +selfish man, for nothing so much as that you should refuse, for I have +a thousand other things to do this evening, and I shall feel that I have +been tricked and trapped myself, and shall be thoroughly annoyed, if, +after all, you tell me that you are not going. But my occupations, my +pleasures are not everything; I must think of you also. A day may come +when, seeing me irrevocably sundered from you, you will be entitled to +reproach me with not having warned you at the decisive hour in which +I felt that I was going to pass judgment on you, one of those stern +judgments which love cannot long resist. You see, your _Nuit de +Cléopâtre_ (what a title!) has no bearing on the point. What I must know +is whether you are indeed one of those creatures in the lowest grade of +mentality and even of charm, one of those contemptible creatures who are +incapable of foregoing a pleasure. For if you are such, how could anyone +love you, for you are not even a person, a definite, imperfect, but at +least perceptible entity. You are a formless water that will trickle +down any slope that it may come upon, a fish devoid of memory, incapable +of thought, which all its life long in its aquarium will continue to +dash itself, a hundred times a day, against a wall of glass, always +mistaking it for water. Do you realise that your answer will have the +effect--I do not say of making me cease from that moment to love you, +that goes without saying, but of making you less attractive to my +eyes when I realise that you are not a person, that you are beneath +everything in the world and have not the intelligence to raise yourself +one inch higher? Obviously, I should have preferred to ask you, as +though it had been a matter of little or no importance, to give up your +_Nuit de Cléopâtre_ (since you compel me to sully my lips with so abject +a name), in the hope that you would go to it none the less. But, since +I had resolved to weigh you in the balance, to make so grave an issue +depend upon your answer, I considered it more honourable to give you due +warning." + +Meanwhile, Odette had shewn signs of increasing emotion and uncertainty. +Although the meaning of his tirade was beyond her, she grasped that it +was to be included among the scenes of reproach or supplication, scenes +which her familiarity with the ways of men enabled her, without paying +any heed to the words that were uttered, to conclude that men would not +make unless they were in love; that, from the moment when they were in +love, it was superfluous to obey them, since they would only be more in +love later on. And so, she would have heard Swann out with the utmost +tranquillity had she not noticed that it was growing late, and that if +he went on speaking for any length of time she would "never" as she told +him with a fond smile, obstinate but slightly abashed, "get there in +time for the Overture." + +On other occasions he had assured himself that the one thing which, +more than anything else, would make him cease to love her, would be her +refusal to abandon the habit of lying. "Even from the point of view of +coquetry, pure and simple," he had told her, "can't you see how much +of your attraction you throw away when you stoop to lying? By a frank +admission--how many faults you might redeem! Really, you are far less +intelligent than I supposed!" In vain, however, did Swann expound to +her thus all the reasons that she had for not lying; they might have +succeeded in overthrowing any universal system of mendacity, but Odette +had no such system; she contented herself, merely, whenever she wished +Swann to remain in ignorance of anything that she had done, with not +telling him of it. So that a lie was, to her, something to be used only +as a special expedient; and the one thing that could make her decide +whether she should avail herself of a lie or not was a reason which, +too, was of a special and contingent order, namely the risk of Swann's +discovering that she had not told him the truth. + +Physically, she was passing through an unfortunate phase; she was +growing stouter, and the expressive, sorrowful charm, the surprised, +wistful expressions which she had formerly had, seemed to have vanished +with her first youth, with the result that she became most precious to +Swann at the very moment when he found her distinctly less good-looking. +He would gaze at her for hours on end, trying to recapture the charm +which he had once seen in her and could not find again. And yet the +knowledge that, within this new and strange chrysalis, it was still +Odette that lurked, still the same volatile temperament, artful and +evasive, was enough to keep Swann seeking, with as much passion as ever, +to captivate her. Then he would look at photographs of her, taken two +years before, and would remember how exquisite she had been. And that +would console him, a little, for all the sufferings that he voluntarily +endured on her account. + +When the Verdurins took her off to Saint-Germain, or to Chatou, or to +Meulan, as often as not, if the weather was fine, they would propose +to remain there for the night, and not go home until next day. Mme. +Verdurin would endeavour to set at rest the scruples of the pianist, +whose aunt had remained in Paris: "She will be only too glad to be rid +of you for a day. How on earth could she be anxious, when she knows +you're with us? Anyhow, I'll take you all under my wing; she can put the +blame on me." + +If this attempt failed, M. Verdurin would set off across country until +he came to a telegraph office or some other kind of messenger, after +first finding out which of the 'faithful' had anyone whom they must +warn. But Odette would thank him, and assure him that she had no message +for anyone, for she had told Swann, once and for all, that she could +not possibly send messages to him, before all those people, without +compromising herself. Sometimes she would be absent for several days +on end, when the Verdurins took her to see the tombs at Dreux, or to +Compiègne, on the painter's advice, to watch the sun setting through the +forest--after which they went on to the Château of Pierrefonds. + +"To think that she could visit really historic buildings with me, who +have spent ten years in the study of architecture, who am constantly +bombarded, by people who really count, to take them over Beauvais or +Saint-Loup-de-Naud, and refuse to take anyone but her; and instead of +that she trundles off with the lowest, the most brutally degraded +of creatures, to go into ecstasies over the petrified excretions of +Louis-Philippe and Viollet-le-Duc! One hardly needs much knowledge +of art, I should say, to do that; though, surely, even without any +particularly refined sense of smell, one would not deliberately choose +to spend a holiday in the latrines, so as to be within range of their +fragrant exhalations." + +But when she had set off for Dreux or Pierrefonds--alas, without +allowing him to appear there, as though by accident, at her side, for, +as she said, that would "create a dreadful impression,"--he would plunge +into the most intoxicating romance in the lover's library, the railway +timetable, from which he learned the ways of joining her there in the +afternoon, in the evening, even in the morning. The ways? More than +that, the authority, the right to join her. For, after all, the +time-table, and the trains themselves, were not meant for dogs. If the +public were carefully informed, by means of printed advertisements, that +at eight o'clock in the morning a train started for Pierrefonds which +arrived there at ten, that could only be because going to Pierrefonds +was a lawful act, for which permission from Odette would be superfluous; +an act, moreover, which might be performed from a motive altogether +different from the desire to see Odette, since persons who had never +even heard of her performed it daily, and in such numbers as justified +the labour and expense of stoking the engines. + +So it came to this; that she could not prevent him from going to +Pierrefonds if he chose to do so. Now that was precisely what he found +that he did choose to do, and would at that moment be doing were he, +like the travelling public, not acquainted with Odette. For a long +time past he had wanted to form a more definite impression of +Viollet-le-Duc's work as a restorer. And the weather being what it was, +he felt an overwhelming desire to spend the day roaming in the forest of +Compiègne. + +It was, indeed, a piece of bad luck that she had forbidden him access +to the one spot that tempted him to-day. To-day! Why, if he went down +there, in defiance of her prohibition, he would be able to see her that +very day! But then, whereas, if she had met, at Pierrefonds, some one +who did not matter, she would have hailed him with obvious pleasure: +"What, you here?" and would have invited him to come and see her at the +hotel where she was staying with the Verdurins, if, on the other hand, +it was himself, Swann, that she encountered there, she would be annoyed, +would complain that she was being followed, would love him less in +consequence, might even turn away in anger when she caught sight of him. +"So, then, I am not to be allowed to go away for a day anywhere!" she +would reproach him on her return, whereas in fact it was he himself who +was not allowed to go. + +He had had the sudden idea, so as to contrive to visit Compiègne and +Pierrefonds without letting it be supposed that his object was to meet +Odette, of securing an invitation from one of his friends, the Marquis +de Forestelle, who had a country house in that neighbourhood. This +friend, to whom Swann suggested the plan without disclosing its +ulterior purpose, was beside himself with joy; he did not conceal his +astonishment at Swann's consenting at last, after fifteen years, to come +down and visit his property, and since he did not (he told him) wish +to stay there, promised to spend some days, at least, in taking him for +walks and excursions in the district. Swann imagined himself down there +already with M. de Forestelle. Even before he saw Odette, even if he did +not succeed in seeing her there, what a joy it would be to set foot on +that soil where, not knowing the exact spot in which, at any moment, she +was to be found, he would feel all around him the thrilling possibility +of her suddenly appearing: in the courtyard of the Château, now +beautiful in his eyes since it was on her account that he had gone to +visit it; in all the streets of the town, which struck him as romantic; +down every ride of the forest, roseate with the deep and tender glow of +sunset;--innumerable and alternative hiding-places, to which would fly +simultaneously for refuge, in the uncertain ubiquity of his hopes, his +happy, vagabond and divided heart. "We mustn't, on any account," he +would warn M. de Forestelle, "run across Odette and the Verdurins. I +have just heard that they are at Pierrefonds, of all places, to-day. One +has plenty of time to see them in Paris; it would hardly be worth while +coming down here if one couldn't go a yard without meeting them." And +his host would fail to understand why, once they had reached the place, +Swann would change his plans twenty times in an hour, inspect the +dining-rooms of all the hotels in Compiègne without being able to make +up his mind to settle down in any of them, although he had found no +trace anywhere of the Verdurins, seeming to be in search of what he had +claimed to be most anxious to avoid, and would in fact avoid, the moment +he found it, for if he had come upon the little 'group,' he would have +hastened away at once with studied indifference, satisfied that he had +seen Odette and she him, especially that she had seen him when he was +not, apparently, thinking about her. But no; she would guess at +once that it was for her sake that he had come there. And when M. de +Forestelle came to fetch him, and it was time to start, he excused +himself: "No, I'm afraid not; I can't go to Pierrefonds to-day. You see, +Odette is there." And Swann was happy in spite of everything in feeling +that if he, alone among mortals, had not the right to go to Pierrefonds +that day, it was because he was in fact, for Odette, some one who +differed from all other mortals, her lover; and because that restriction +which for him alone was set upon the universal right to travel freely +where one would, was but one of the many forms of that slavery, that +love which was so dear to him. Decidedly, it was better not to risk a +quarrel with her, to be patient, to wait for her return. He spent his +days in poring over a map of the forest of Compiègne, as though it +had been that of the 'Pays du Tendre'; he surrounded himself with +photographs of the Château of Pierrefonds. When the day dawned on which +it was possible that she might return, he opened the time-table +again, calculated what train she must have taken, and, should she have +postponed her departure, what trains were still left for her to take. He +did not leave the house, for fear of missing a telegram, he did not go +to bed, in case, having come by the last train, she decided to surprise +him with a midnight visit. Yes! The front-door bell rang. There seemed +some delay in opening the door, he wanted to awaken the porter, he +leaned out of the window to shout to Odette, if it was Odette, for +in spite of the orders which he had gone downstairs a dozen times to +deliver in person, they were quite capable of telling her that he was +not at home. It was only a servant coming in. He noticed the incessant +rumble of passing carriages, to which he had never before paid any +attention. He could hear them, one after another, a long way off, coming +nearer, passing his door without stopping, and bearing away into the +distance a message which was not for him. He waited all night, to no +purpose, for the Verdurins had returned unexpectedly, and Odette had +been in Paris since midday; it had not occurred to her to tell him; not +knowing what to do with herself she had spent the evening alone at a +theatre, had long since gone home to bed, and was peacefully asleep. + +As a matter of fact, she had never given him a thought. And such moments +as these, in which she forgot Swann's very existence, were of more value +to Odette, did more to attach him to her, than all her infidelities. For +in this way Swann was kept in that state of painful agitation which had +once before been effective in making his interest blossom into love, on +the night when he had failed to find Odette at the Verdurins' and had +hunted for her all evening. And he did not have (as I had, afterwards, +at Combray in my childhood) happy days in which to forget the sufferings +that would return with the night. For his days, Swann must pass them +without Odette; and as he told himself, now and then, to allow so pretty +a woman to go out by herself in Paris was just as rash as to leave a +case filled with jewels in the middle of the street. In this mood he +would scowl furiously at the passers-by, as though they were so many +pickpockets. But their faces--a collective and formless mass--escaped +the grasp of his imagination, and so failed to feed the flame of his +jealousy. The effort exhausted Swann's brain, until, passing his hand +over his eyes, he cried out: "Heaven help me!" as people, after lashing +themselves into an intellectual frenzy in their endeavours to master the +problem of the reality of the external world, or that of the immortality +of the soul, afford relief to their weary brains by an unreasoning +act of faith. But the thought of his absent mistress was incessantly, +indissolubly blended with all the simplest actions of Swann's daily +life--when he took his meals, opened his letters, went for a walk or +to bed--by the fact of his regret at having to perform those actions +without her; like those initials of Philibert the Fair which, in the +church of Brou, because of her grief, her longing for him, Margaret of +Austria intertwined everywhere with her own. On some days, instead of +staying at home, he would go for luncheon to a restaurant not far off, +to which he had been attracted, some time before, by the excellence of +its cookery, but to which he now went only for one of those reasons, +at once mystical and absurd, which people call 'romantic'; because this +restaurant (which, by the way, still exists) bore the same name as the +street in which Odette lived: the Lapérouse. Sometimes, when she had +been away on a short visit somewhere, several days would elapse before +she thought of letting him know that she had returned to Paris. And +then she would say quite simply, without taking (as she would once have +taken) the precaution of covering herself, at all costs, with a little +fragment borrowed from the truth, that she had just, at that very +moment, arrived by the morning train. What she said was a falsehood; +at least for Odette it was a falsehood, inconsistent, lacking (what it +would have had, if true) the support of her memory of her actual arrival +at the station; she was even prevented from forming a mental picture of +what she was saying, while she said it, by the contradictory picture, in +her mind, of whatever quite different thing she had indeed been doing at +the moment when she pretended to have been alighting from the train. In +Swann's mind, however, these words, meeting no opposition, settled +and hardened until they assumed the indestructibility of a truth so +indubitable that, if some friend happened to tell him that he had +come by the same train and had not seen Odette, Swann would have been +convinced that it was his friend who had made a mistake as to the day or +hour, since his version did not agree with the words uttered by Odette. +These words had never appeared to him false except when, before hearing +them, he had suspected that they were going to be. For him to believe +that she was lying, an anticipatory suspicion was indispensable. It was +also, however, sufficient. Given that, everything that Odette might say +appeared to him suspect. Did she mention a name: it was obviously that +of one of her lovers; once this supposition had taken shape, he would +spend weeks in tormenting himself; on one occasion he even approached a +firm of 'inquiry agents' to find out the address and the occupation of +the unknown rival who would give him no peace until he could be proved +to have gone abroad, and who (he ultimately learned) was an uncle of +Odette, and had been dead for twenty years. + +Although she would not allow him, as a rule, to meet her at public +gatherings, saying that people would talk, it happened occasionally +that, at an evening party to which he and she had each been invited--at +Forcheville's, at the painter's, or at a charity ball given in one of +the Ministries--he found himself in the same room with her. He could +see her, but dared not remain for fear of annoying her by seeming to be +spying upon the pleasures which she tasted in other company, pleasures +which--while he drove home in utter loneliness, and went to bed, +as anxiously as I myself was to go to bed, some years later, on the +evenings when he came to dine with us at Combray--seemed illimitable to +him since he had not been able to see their end. And, once or twice, +he derived from such evenings that kind of happiness which one would be +inclined (did it not originate in so violent a reaction from an anxiety +abruptly terminated) to call peaceful, since it consists in a pacifying +of the mind: he had looked in for a moment at a revel in the painter's +studio, and was getting ready to go home; he was leaving behind him +Odette, transformed into a brilliant stranger, surrounded by men to whom +her glances and her gaiety, which were not for him, seemed to hint at +some voluptuous pleasure to be enjoyed there or elsewhere (possibly at +the Bal des Incohérents, to which he trembled to think that she might be +going on afterwards) which made Swann more jealous than the thought of +their actual physical union, since it was more difficult to imagine; he +was opening the door to go, when he heard himself called back in these +words (which, by cutting off from the party that possible ending which +had so appalled him, made the party itself seem innocent in retrospect, +made Odette's return home a thing no longer inconceivable and terrible, +but tender and familiar, a thing that kept close to his side, like +a part of his own daily life, in his carriage; a thing that stripped +Odette herself of the excess of brilliance and gaiety in her appearance, +shewed that it was only a disguise which she had assumed for a moment, +for his sake and not in view of any mysterious pleasures, a disguise of +which she had already wearied)--in these words, which Odette flung out +after him as he was crossing the threshold: "Can't you wait a minute for +me? I'm just going; we'll drive back together and you can drop me." It +was true that on one occasion Forcheville had asked to be driven home at +the same time, but when, on reaching Odette's gate, he had begged to be +allowed to come in too, she had replied, with a finger pointed at Swann: +"Ah! That depends on this gentleman. You must ask him. Very well, you +may come in, just for a minute, if you insist, but you mustn't stay +long, for, I warn you, he likes to sit and talk quietly with me, and +he's not at all pleased if I have visitors when he's here. Oh, if you +only knew the creature as I know him; isn't that so, my love, there's no +one that really knows you, is there, except me?" + +And Swann was, perhaps, even more touched by the spectacle of her +addressing him thus, in front of Forcheville, not only in these tender +words of predilection, but also with certain criticisms, such as: "I +feel sure you haven't written yet to your friends, about dining with +them on Sunday. You needn't go if you don't want to, but you might at +least be polite," or "Now, have you left your essay on Vermeer here, so +that you can do a little more to it to-morrow? What a lazy-bones! I'm +going to make you work, I can tell you," which proved that Odette kept +herself in touch with his social engagements and his literary work, that +they had indeed a life in common. And as she spoke she bestowed on him a +smile which he interpreted as meaning that she was entirely his. + +And then, while she was making them some orangeade, suddenly, just as +when the reflector of a lamp that is badly fitted begins by casting +all round an object, on the wall beyond it, huge and fantastic shadows +which, in time, contract and are lost in the shadow of the object +itself, all the terrible and disturbing ideas which he had formed of +Odette melted away and vanished in the charming creature who stood there +before his eyes. He had the sudden suspicion that this hour spent in +Odette's house, in the lamp-light, was, perhaps, after all, not an +artificial hour, invented for his special use (with the object of +concealing that frightening and delicious thing which was incessantly +in his thoughts without his ever being able to form a satisfactory +impression of it, an hour of Odette's real life, of her life when he was +not there, looking on) with theatrical properties and pasteboard fruits, +but was perhaps a genuine hour of Odette's life; that, if he himself +had not been there, she would have pulled forward the same armchair for +Forcheville, would have poured out for him, not any unknown brew, but +precisely that orangeade which she was now offering to them both; that +the world inhabited by Odette was not that other world, fearful and +supernatural, in which he spent his time in placing her--and which +existed, perhaps, only in his imagination, but the real universe, +exhaling no special atmosphere of gloom, comprising that table at which +he might sit down, presently, and write, and this drink which he was +being permitted, now, to taste; all the objects which he contemplated +with as much curiosity and admiration as gratitude, for if, in absorbing +his dreams, they had delivered him from an obsession, they themselves +were, in turn, enriched by the absorption; they shewed him the palpable +realisation of his fancies, and they interested his mind; they took +shape and grew solid before his eyes, and at the same time they soothed +his troubled heart. Ah! had fate but allowed him to share a single +dwelling with Odette, so that in her house he should be in his own; if, +when asking his servant what there would be for luncheon, it had been +Odette's bill of fare that he had learned from the reply; if, when +Odette wished to go for a walk, in the morning, along the Avenue du +Bois-de-Boulogne, his duty as a good husband had obliged him, though he +had no desire to go out, to accompany her, carrying her cloak when she +was too warm; and in the evening, after dinner, if she wished to stay at +home, and not to dress, if he had been forced to stay beside her, to +do what she asked; then how completely would all the trivial details +of Swann's life, which seemed to him now so gloomy, simply because they +would, at the same time, have formed part of the life of Odette, have +taken on--like that lamp, that orangeade, that armchair, which had +absorbed so much of his dreams, which materialised so much of his +longing,--a sort of superabundant sweetness and a mysterious solidity. + +And yet he was inclined to suspect that the state for which he so much +longed was a calm, a peace, which would not have created an atmosphere +favourable to his love. When Odette ceased to be for him a creature +always absent, regretted, imagined; when the feeling that he had for her +was no longer the same mysterious disturbance that was wrought in him by +the phrase from the sonata, but constant affection and gratitude, when +those normal relations were established between them which would put an +end to his melancholy madness; then, no doubt, the actions of Odette's +daily life would appear to him as being of but little intrinsic +interest--as he had several times, already, felt that they might be, +on the day, for instance, when he had read, through its envelope, her +letter to Forcheville. Examining his complaint with as much scientific +detachment as if he had inoculated himself with it in order to study +its effects, he told himself that, when he was cured of it, what Odette +might or might not do would be indifferent to him. But in his morbid +state, to tell the truth, he feared death itself no more than such a +recovery, which would, in fact, amount to the death of all that he then +was. + +After these quiet evenings, Swann's suspicions would be temporarily +lulled; he would bless the name of Odette, and next day, in the morning, +would order the most attractive jewels to be sent to her, because her +kindnesses to him overnight had excited either his gratitude, or the +desire to see them repeated, or a paroxysm of love for her which had +need of some such outlet. + +But at other times, grief would again take hold of him; he would imagine +that Odette was Forcheville's mistress, and that, when they had both sat +watching him from the depths of the Verdurins' landau, in the Bois, on +the evening before the party at Chatou to which he had not been invited, +while he implored her in vain, with that look of despair on his face +which even his coachman had noticed, to come home with him, and then +turned away, solitary, crushed,--she must have employed, to draw +Forcheville's attention to him, while she murmured: "Do look at him, +storming!" the same glance, brilliant, malicious, sidelong, cunning, as +on the evening when Forcheville had driven Saniette from the Verdurins'. + +At such times Swann detested her. "But I've been a fool, too," he would +argue. "I'm paying for other men's pleasures with my money. All the +same, she'd better take care, and not pull the string too often, for +I might very well stop giving her anything at all. At any rate, we'd +better knock off supplementary favours for the time being. To think +that, only yesterday, when she said she would like to go to Bayreuth +for the season, I was such an ass as to offer to take one of those jolly +little places the King of Bavaria has there, for the two of us. However +she didn't seem particularly keen; she hasn't said yes or no yet. Let's +hope that she'll refuse. Good God! Think of listening to Wagner for a +fortnight on end with her, who takes about as much interest in music as +a fish does in little apples; it will be fun!" And his hatred, like +his love, needing to manifest itself in action, he amused himself with +urging his evil imaginings further and further, because, thanks to the +perfidies with which he charged Odette, he detested her still more, and +would be able, if it turned out--as he tried to convince himself--that +she was indeed guilty of them, to take the opportunity of punishing her, +emptying upon her the overflowing vials of his wrath. In this way, he +went so far as to suppose that he was going to receive a letter from +her, in which she would ask him for money to take the house at Bayreuth, +but with the warning that he was not to come there himself, as she had +promised Forcheville and the Verdurins to invite them. Oh, how he +would have loved it, had it been conceivable that she would have +that audacity. What joy he would have in refusing, in drawing up that +vindictive reply, the terms of which he amused himself by selecting and +declaiming aloud, as though he had actually received her letter. + +The very next day, her letter came. She wrote that the Verdurins and +their friends had expressed a desire to be present at these performances +of Wagner, and that, if he would be so good as to send her the money, +she would be able at last, after going so often to their house, to have +the pleasure of entertaining the Verdurins in hers. Of him she said not +a word; it was to be taken for granted that their presence at Bayreuth +would be a bar to his. + +Then that annihilating answer, every word of which he had carefully +rehearsed overnight, without venturing to hope that it could ever be +used, he had the satisfaction of having it conveyed to her. Alas! he +felt only too certain that with the money which she had, or could easily +procure, she would be able, all the same, to take a house at Bayreuth, +since she wished to do so, she who was incapable of distinguishing +between Bach and Clapisson. Let her take it, then; she would have to +live in it more frugally, that was all. No means (as there would have +been if he had replied by sending her several thousand-franc notes) of +organising, each evening, in her hired castle, those exquisite little +suppers, after which she might perhaps be seized by the whim (which, +it was possible, had never yet seized her) of falling into the arms of +Forcheville. At any rate, this loathsome expedition, it would not be +Swann who had to pay for it. Ah! if he could only manage to prevent +it, if she could sprain her ankle before starting, if the driver of the +carriage which was to take her to the station would consent (no matter +how great the bribe) to smuggle her to some place where she could be +kept for a time in seclusion, that perfidious woman, her eyes tinselled +with a smile of complicity for Forcheville, which was what Odette had +become for Swann in the last forty-eight hours. + +But she was never that for very long; after a few days the shining, +crafty eyes lost their brightness and their duplicity, that picture of +an execrable Odette saying to Forcheville: "Look at him storming!" began +to grow pale and to dissolve. Then gradually reappeared and rose before +him, softly radiant, the face of the other Odette, of that Odette who +also turned with a smile to Forcheville, but with a smile in which there +was nothing but affection for Swann, when she said: "You mustn't stay +long, for this gentleman doesn't much like my having visitors when he's +here. Oh! if you only knew the creature as I know him!" that same smile +with which she used to thank Swann for some instance of his courtesy +which she prized so highly, for some advice for which she had asked him +in one of those grave crises in her life, when she could turn to him +alone. + +Then, to this other Odette, he would ask himself what could have induced +him to write that outrageous letter, of which, probably, until then, +she had never supposed him capable, a letter which must have lowered him +from the high, from the supreme place which, by his generosity, by his +loyalty, he had won for himself in her esteem. He would become less dear +to her, since it was for those qualities, which she found neither in +Forcheville nor in any other, that she loved him. It was for them that +Odette so often shewed him a reciprocal kindness, which counted for less +than nothing in his moments of jealousy, because it was not a sign of +reciprocal desire, was indeed a proof rather of affection than of love, +but the importance of which he began once more to feel in proportion as +the spontaneous relaxation of his suspicions, often accelerated by the +distraction brought to him by reading about art or by the conversation +of a friend, rendered his passion less exacting of reciprocities. + +Now that, after this swing of the pendulum, Odette had naturally +returned to the place from which Swann's jealousy had for the moment +driven her, in the angle in which he found her charming, he pictured her +to himself as full of tenderness, with a look of consent in her eyes, +and so beautiful that he could not refrain from moving his lips towards +her, as though she had actually been in the room for him to kiss; and +he preserved a sense of gratitude to her for that bewitching, kindly +glance, as strong as though she had really looked thus at him, and it +had not been merely his imagination that had portrayed it in order to +satisfy his desire. + +What distress he must have caused her! Certainly he found adequate +reasons for his resentment, but they would not have been sufficient to +make him feel that resentment, if he had not so passionately loved her. +Had he not nourished grievances, just as serious, against other women, +to whom he would, none the less, render willing service to-day, feeling +no anger towards them because he no longer loved them? If the day ever +came when he would find himself in the same state of indifference with +regard to Odette, he would then understand that it was his jealousy +alone which had led him to find something atrocious, unpardonable, in +this desire (after all, so natural a desire, springing from a childlike +ingenuousness and also from a certain delicacy in her nature) to be +able, in her turn, when an occasion offered, to repay the Verdurins for +their hospitality, and to play the hostess in a house of her own. + +He returned to the other point of view--opposite to that of his love +and of his jealousy, to which he resorted at times by a sort of mental +equity, and in order to make allowance for different eventualities--from +which he tried to form a fresh judgment of Odette, based on the +supposition that he had never been in love with her, that she was to him +just a woman like other women, that her life had not been (whenever he +himself was not present) different, a texture woven in secret apart from +him, and warped against him. + +Wherefore believe that she would enjoy down there with Forcheville or +with other men intoxicating pleasures which she had never known with +him, and which his jealousy alone had fabricated in all their elements? +At Bayreuth, as in Paris, if it should happen that Forcheville thought +of him at all, it would only be as of some one who counted for a great +deal in the life of Odette, some one for whom he was obliged to make +way, when they met in her house. If Forcheville and she scored a +triumph by being down there together in spite of him, it was he who had +engineered that triumph by striving in vain to prevent her from going +there, whereas if he had approved of her plan, which for that matter was +quite defensible, she would have had the appearance of being there by +his counsel, she would have felt herself sent there, housed there by +him, and for the pleasure which she derived from entertaining those +people who had so often entertained her, it was to him that she would +have had to acknowledge her indebtedness. + +And if--instead of letting her go off thus, at cross-purposes with him, +without having seen him again--he were to send her this money, if he +were to encourage her to take this journey, and to go out of his way to +make it comfortable and pleasant for her, she would come running to him, +happy, grateful, and he would have the joy--the sight of her face--which +he had not known for nearly a week, a joy which none other could +replace. For the moment that Swann was able to form a picture of her +without revulsion, that he could see once again the friendliness in +her smile, and that the desire to tear her away from every rival was +no longer imposed by his jealousy upon his love, that love once again +became, more than anything, a taste for the sensations which Odette's +person gave him, for the pleasure which he found in admiring, as one +might a spectacle, or in questioning, as one might a phenomenon, the +birth of one of her glances, the formation of one of her smiles, the +utterance of an intonation of her voice. And this pleasure, different +from every other, had in the end created in him a need of her, which +she alone, by her presence or by her letters, could assuage, almost as +disinterested, almost as artistic, as perverse as another need which +characterised this new period in Swann's life, when the sereness, +the depression of the preceding years had been followed by a sort of +spiritual superabundance, without his knowing to what he owed this +unlooked-for enrichment of his life, any more than a person in delicate +health who from a certain moment grows stronger, puts on flesh, and +seems for a time to be on the road to a complete recovery:--this +other need, which, too, developed in him independently of the visible, +material world, was the need to listen to music and to learn to know it. + +And so, by the chemical process of his malady, after he had created +jealousy out of his love, he began again to generate tenderness, pity +for Odette. She had become once more the old Odette, charming and kind. +He was full of remorse for having treated her harshly. He wished her to +come to him, and, before she came, he wished to have already procured +for her some pleasure, so as to watch her gratitude taking shape in her +face and moulding her smile. + +So, too, Odette, certain of seeing him come to her in a few days, +as tender and submissive as before, and plead with her for a +reconciliation, became inured, was no longer afraid of displeasing him, +or even of making him angry, and refused him, whenever it suited her, +the favours by which he set most store. + +Perhaps she did not realise how sincere he had been with her during +their quarrel, when he had told her that he would not send her any +money, but would do what he could to hurt her. Perhaps she did not +realise, either, how sincere he still was, if not with her, at any rate +with himself, on other occasions when, for the sake of their future +relations, to shew Odette that he was capable of doing without her, that +a rupture was still possible between them, he decided to wait some time +before going to see her again. + +Sometimes several days had elapsed, during which she had caused him no +fresh anxiety; and as, from the next few visits which he would pay her, +he knew that he was likely to derive not any great pleasure, but, more +probably, some annoyance which would put an end to the state of calm in +which he found himself, he wrote to her that he was very busy, and +would not be able to see her on any of the days that he had suggested. +Meanwhile, a letter from her, crossing his, asked him to postpone one of +those very meetings. He asked himself, why; his suspicions, his grief, +again took hold of him. He could no longer abide, in the new state of +agitation into which he found himself plunged, by the arrangements which +he had made in his preceding state of comparative calm; he would run +to find her, and would insist upon seeing her on each of the following +days. And even if she had not written first, if she merely acknowledged +his letter, it was enough to make him unable to rest without seeing +her. For, upsetting all Swann's calculations, Odette's acceptance had +entirely changed his attitude. Like everyone who possesses something +precious, so as to know what would happen if he ceased for a moment to +possess it, he had detached the precious object from his mind, leaving, +as he thought, everything else in the same state as when it was there. +But the absence of one part from a whole is not only that, it is not +simply a partial omission, it is a disturbance of all the other parts, a +new state which it was impossible to foresee from the old. + +But at other times--when Odette was on the point of going away for a +holiday--it was after some trifling quarrel for which he had chosen the +pretext, that he decided not to write to her and not to see her until +her return, giving the appearance (and expecting the reward) of +a serious rupture, which she would perhaps regard as final, to a +separation, the greater part of which was inevitable, since she was +going away, which, in fact, he was merely allowing to start a little +sooner than it must. At once he could imagine Odette, puzzled, anxious, +distressed at having received neither visit nor letter from him and this +picture of her, by calming his jealousy, made it easy for him to break +himself of the habit of seeing her. At odd moments, no doubt, in the +furthest recesses of his brain, where his determination had thrust +it away, and thanks to the length of the interval, the three weeks' +separation to which he had agreed, it was with pleasure that he would +consider the idea that he would see Odette again on her return; but it +was also with so little impatience that he began to ask himself whether +he would not readily consent to the doubling of the period of so easy an +abstinence. It had lasted, so far, but three days, a much shorter time +than he had often, before, passed without seeing Odette, and without +having, as on this occasion he had, premeditated a separation. And +yet, there and then, some tiny trace of contrariety in his mind, or +of weakness in his body,--by inciting him to regard the present as an +exceptional moment, one not to be governed by the rules, one in which +prudence itself would allow him to take advantage of the soothing +effects of a pleasure and to give his will (until the time should come +when its efforts might serve any purpose) a holiday--suspended the +action of his will, which ceased to exert its inhibitive control; or, +without that even, the thought of some information for which he had +forgotten to ask Odette, such as if she had decided in what colour she +would have her carriage repainted, or, with regard to some investment, +whether they were 'ordinary' or 'preference' shares that she wished him +to buy (for it was all very well to shew her that he could live without +seeing her, but if, after that, the carriage had to be painted over +again, if the shares produced no dividend, a fine lot of good he would +have done),--and suddenly, like a stretched piece of elastic which is +let go, or the air in a pneumatic machine which is ripped open, the idea +of seeing her again, from the remote point in time to which it had been +attached, sprang back into the field of the present and of immediate +possibilities. + +It sprang back thus without meeting any further resistance, so +irresistible, in fact, that Swann had been far less unhappy in watching +the end gradually approaching, day by day, of the fortnight which he +must spend apart from Odette, than he was when kept waiting ten minutes +while his coachman brought round the carriage which was to take him to +her, minutes which he passed in transports of impatience and joy, in +which he recaptured a thousand times over, to lavish on it all the +wealth of his affection, that idea of his meeting with Odette, which, by +so abrupt a repercussion, at a moment when he supposed it so remote, was +once more present and on the very surface of his consciousness. The fact +was that this idea no longer found, as an obstacle in its course, the +desire to contrive without further delay to resist its coming, which +had ceased to have any place in Swann's mind since, having proved to +himself--or so, at least, he believed--that he was so easily capable of +resisting it, he no longer saw any inconvenience in postponing a plan of +separation which he was now certain of being able to put into operation +whenever he would. Furthermore, this idea of seeing her again came back +to him adorned with a novelty, a seductiveness, armed with a virulence, +all of which long habit had enfeebled, but which had acquired new vigour +during this privation, not of three days but of a fortnight (for a +period of abstinence may be calculated, by anticipation, as having +lasted already until the final date assigned to it), and had converted +what had been, until then, a pleasure in store, which could easily be +sacrificed, into an unlooked-for happiness which he was powerless to +resist. Finally, the idea returned to him with its beauty enhanced by +his own ignorance of what Odette might have thought, might, perhaps, +have done on finding that he shewed no sign of life, with the result +that he was going now to meet with the entrancing revelation of an +Odette almost unknown. + +But she, just as she had supposed that his refusal to send her money was +only a feint, saw nothing but a pretext in the question which he came, +now, to ask her, about the repainting of her carriage, or the purchase +of stock. For she could not reconstruct the several phases of these +crises through which he passed, and in the general idea which she formed +of them she made no attempt to understand their mechanism, looking only +to what she knew beforehand, their necessary, never-failing and always +identical termination. An imperfect idea (though possibly all the more +profound in consequence), if one were to judge it from the point of +view of Swann, who would doubtless have considered that Odette failed +to understand him, just as a morphinomaniac or a consumptive, each +persuaded that he has been thrown back, one by some outside event, +at the moment when he was just going to shake himself free from his +inveterate habit, the other by an accidental indisposition at the +moment when he was just going to be finally cured, feels himself to be +misunderstood by the doctor who does not attach the same importance +to these pretended contingencies, mere disguises, according to him, +assumed, so as to be perceptible by his patients, by the vice of one +and the morbid state of the other, which in reality have never ceased +to weigh heavily and incurably upon them while they were nursing their +dreams of normality and health. And, as a matter of fact, Swann's +love had reached that stage at which the physician and (in the case of +certain affections) the boldest of surgeons ask themselves whether +to deprive a patient of his vice or to rid him of his malady is still +reasonable, or indeed possible. + +Certainly, of the extent of this love Swann had no direct knowledge. +When he sought to measure it, it happened sometimes that he found it +diminished, shrunken almost to nothing; for instance, the very moderate +liking, amounting almost to dislike, which, in the days before he was +in love with Odette, he had felt for her expressive features, her faded +complexion, returned on certain days. "Really, I am making distinct +headway," he would tell himself on the morrow, "when I come to think it +over carefully, I find out that I got hardly any pleasure, last night, +out of being in bed with her; it's an odd thing, but I actually thought +her ugly." And certainly he was sincere, but his love extended a long +way beyond the province of physical desire. Odette's person, indeed, +no longer held any great place in it. When his eyes fell upon the +photograph of Odette on his table, or when she came to see him, he +had difficulty in identifying her face, either in the flesh or on the +pasteboard, with the painful and continuous anxiety which dwelt in his +mind. He would say to himself, almost with astonishment, "It is she!" as +when suddenly some one shews us in a detached, externalised form one +of our own maladies, and we find in it no resemblance to what we are +suffering. "She?"--he tried to ask himself what that meant; for it +is something like love, like death (rather than like those vague +conceptions of maladies), a thing which one repeatedly calls in +question, in order to make oneself probe further into it, in the fear +that the question will find no answer, that the substance will escape +our grasp--the mystery of personality. And this malady, which was +Swann's love, had so far multiplied, was so closely interwoven with all +his habits, with all his actions, with his thoughts, his health, his +sleep, his life, even with what he hoped for after his death, was so +entirely one with him that it would have been impossible to wrest it +away without almost entirely destroying him; as surgeons say, his case +was past operation. + +By this love Swann had been so far detached from all other interests +that when by chance he reappeared in the world of fashion, reminding +himself that his social relations, like a beautifully wrought setting +(although she would not have been able to form any very exact estimate +of its worth), might, still, add a little to his own value in Odette's +eyes (as indeed they might have done had they not been cheapened by his +love itself, which for Odette depreciated everything that it touched by +seeming to denounce such things as less precious than itself), he would +feel there, simultaneously with his distress at being in places and +among people that she did not know, the same detached sense of pleasure +as he would have derived from a novel or a painting in which were +depicted the amusements of a leisured class; just as, at home, he used +to enjoy the thought of the smooth efficiency of his household, the +smartness of his own wardrobe and of his servants' liveries, the +soundness of his investments, with the same relish as when he read in +Saint-Simon, who was one of his favourite authors, of the machinery of +daily life at Versailles, what Mme. de Maintenon ate and drank, or the +shrewd avarice and great pomp of Lulli. And in the small extent to which +this detachment was not absolute, the reason for this new pleasure which +Swann was tasting was that he could emigrate for a moment into those few +and distant parts of himself which had remained almost foreign to his +love and to his pain. In this respect the personality, with which my +great-aunt endowed him, of 'young Swann,' as distinct from the more +individual personality of Charles Swann, was that in which he now most +delighted. Once when, because it was the birthday of the Princesse de +Parme (and because she could often be of use, indirectly, to Odette, +by letting her have seats for galas and jubilees and all that sort of +thing), he had decided to send her a basket of fruit, and was not quite +sure where or how to order it, he had entrusted the task to a cousin of +his mother who, delighted to be doing a commission for him, had written +to him, laying stress on the fact that she had not chosen all the fruit +at the same place, but the grapes from Crapote, whose speciality they +were, the strawberries from Jauret, the pears from Chevet, who always +had the best, am soon, "every fruit visited and examined, one by one, +by myself." And in the sequel, by the cordiality with which the +Princess thanked him, he had been able to judge of the flavour of the +strawberries and of the ripeness of the pears. But, most of all, that +"every fruit visited and examined one by one, by myself" had brought +balm to his sufferings by carrying his mind off to a region which he +rarely visited, although it was his by right, as the heir of a rich +and respectable middle-class family in which had been handed down from +generation to generation the knowledge of the 'right places' and the art +of ordering things from shops. + +Of a truth, he had too long forgotten that he was 'young Swann' not to +feel, when he assumed that part again for a moment, a keener pleasure +than he was capable of feeling at other times--when, indeed, he was +grown sick of pleasure; and if the friendliness of the middle-class +people, for whom he had never been anything else than 'young Swann,' was +less animated than that of the aristocrats (though more flattering, for +all that, since in the middle-class mind friendship is inseparable from +respect), no letter from a Royal Personage, offering him some princely +entertainment, could ever be so attractive to Swann as the letter which +asked him to be a witness, or merely to be present at a wedding in the +family of some old friends of his parents; some of whom had 'kept up' +with him, like my grandfather, who, the year before these events, had +invited him to my mother's wedding, while others barely knew him by +sight, but were, they thought, in duty bound to shew civility to the +son, to the worthy successor of the late M. Swann. + +But, by virtue of his intimacy, already time-honoured, with so many of +them, the people of fashion, in a certain sense, were also a part of his +house, his service, and his family. He felt, when his mind dwelt upon +his brilliant connections, the same external support, the same solid +comfort as when he looked at the fine estate, the fine silver, the +fine table-linen which had come down to him from his forebears. And the +thought that, if he were seized by a sudden illness and confined to the +house, the people whom his valet would instinctively run to find would +be the Duc de Chartres, the Prince de Reuss, the Duc de Luxembourg +and the Baron de Charlus, brought him the same consolation as our old +Françoise derived from the knowledge that she would, one day, be buried +in her own fine clothes, marked with her name, not darned at all (or so +exquisitely darned that it merely enhanced one's idea of the skill and +patience of the seamstress), a shroud from the constant image of which +in her mind's eye she drew a certain satisfactory sense, if not actually +of wealth and prosperity, at any rate of self-esteem. But most of +all,--since in every one of his actions and thoughts which had reference +to Odette, Swann was constantly subdued and swayed by the unconfessed +feeling that he was, perhaps not less dear, but at least less welcome +to her than anyone, even the most wearisome of the Verdurins' +'faithful,'--when he betook himself to a world in which he was the +paramount example of taste, a man whom no pains were spared to attract, +whom people were genuinely sorry not to see, he began once again to +believe in the existence of a happier life, almost to feel an appetite +for it, as an invalid may feel who has been in bed for months and on a +strict diet, when he picks up a newspaper and reads the account of an +official banquet or the advertisement of a cruise round Sicily. + +If he was obliged to make excuses to his fashionable friends for not +paying them visits, it was precisely for the visits that he did pay her +that he sought to excuse himself to Odette. He still paid them (asking +himself at the end of each month whether, seeing that he had perhaps +exhausted her patience, and had certainly gone rather often to see her, +it would be enough if he sent her four thousand francs), and for each +visit he found a pretext, a present that he had to bring her, some +information which she required, M. de Charlus, whom he had met actually +going to her house, and who had insisted upon Swann's accompanying him. +And, failing any excuse, he would beg M. de Charlus to go to her +at once, and to tell her, as though spontaneously, in the course of +conversation, that he had just remembered something that he had to say +to Swann, and would she please send a message to Swann's house asking +him to come to her then and there; but as a rule Swann waited at home +in vain, and M. de Charlus informed him, later in the evening, that his +device had not proved successful. With the result that, if she was now +frequently away from Paris, even when she was there he scarcely saw her; +that she who, when she was in love with him, used to say, "I am always +free" and "What can it matter to me, what other people think?" now, +whenever he wanted to see her, appealed to the proprieties or pleaded +some engagement. When he spoke of going to a charity entertainment, or a +private view, or a first-night at which she was to be present, she would +expostulate that he wished to advertise their relations in public, that +he was treating her like a woman off the streets. Things came to such a +pitch that, in an effort to save himself from being altogether forbidden +to meet her anywhere, Swann, remembering that she knew and was deeply +attached to my great-uncle Adolphe, whose friend he himself also +had been, went one day to see him in his little flat in the Rue +de Bellechasse, to ask him to use his influence with Odette. As it +happened, she invariably adopted, when she spoke to Swann about my +uncle, a poetical tone, saying: "Ah, he! He is not in the least +like you; it is an exquisite thing, a great, a beautiful thing, his +friendship for me. He's not the sort of man who would have so little +consideration for me as to let himself be seen with me everywhere in +public." This was embarrassing for Swann, who did not know quite to what +rhetorical pitch he should screw himself up in speaking of Odette to my +uncle. He began by alluding to her excellence, _a priori_, the axiom +of her seraphic super-humanity, the revelation of her inexpressible +virtues, no conception of which could possibly be formed. "I should +like to speak to you about her," he went on, "you, who know what a woman +supreme above all women, what an adorable being, what an angel Odette +is. But you know, also, what life is in Paris. Everyone doesn't see +Odette in the light in which you and I have been privileged to see her. +And so there are people who think that I am behaving rather foolishly; +she won't even allow me to meet her out of doors, at the theatre. Now +you, in whom she has such enormous confidence, couldn't you say a few +words for me to her, just to assure her that she exaggerates the harm +which my bowing to her in the street might do her?" + +My uncle advised Swann not to see Odette for some days, after which she +would love him all the more; he advised Odette to let Swann meet her +everywhere, and as often as he pleased. A few days later Odette told +Swann that she had just had a rude awakening; she had discovered that +my uncle was the same as other men; he had tried to take her by assault. +She calmed Swann, who, at first, was for rushing out to challenge my +uncle to a duel, but he refused to shake hands with him when they met +again. He regretted this rupture all the more because he had hoped, if +he had met my uncle Adolphe again sometimes and had contrived to talk +things over with him in strict confidence, to be able to get him to +throw a light on certain rumours with regard to the life that Odette had +led, in the old days, at Nice. For my uncle Adolphe used to spend the +winter there, and Swann thought that it might indeed have been there, +perhaps, that he had first known Odette. The few words which some one +had let fall, in his hearing, about a man who, it appeared, had been +Odette's lover, had left Swann dumbfounded. But the very things which he +would, before knowing them, have regarded as the most terrible to +learn and the most impossible to believe, were, once he knew them, +incorporated for all time in the general mass of his sorrow; he admitted +them, he could no longer have understood their not existing. Only, +each one of them in its passage traced an indelible line, altering the +picture that he had formed of his mistress. At one time indeed he felt +that he could understand that this moral 'lightness,' of which he would +never have suspected Odette, was perfectly well known, and that at Baden +or Nice, when she had gone, in the past, to spend several months in +one or the other place, she had enjoyed a sort of amorous notoriety. +He attempted, in order to question them, to get into touch again with +certain men of that stamp; but these were aware that he knew Odette, +and, besides, he was afraid of putting the thought of her into their +heads, of setting them once more upon her track. But he, to whom, +up till then, nothing could have seemed so tedious as was all that +pertained to the cosmopolitan life of Baden or of Nice, now that +he learned that Odette had, perhaps, led a 'gay' life once in those +pleasure-cities, although he could never find out whether it had been +solely to satisfy a want of money which, thanks to himself, she no +longer felt, or from some capricious instinct which might, at any +moment, revive in her, he would lean, in impotent anguish, blinded and +dizzy, over the bottomless abyss into which had passed, in which had +been engulfed those years of his own, early in MacMahon's _Septennat_, +in which one spent the winter on the Promenade des Anglais, the summer +beneath the limes of Baden, and would find in those years a sad but +splendid profundity, such as a poet might have lent to them; and he +would have devoted to the reconstruction of all the insignificant +details that made up the daily round on the Côte d'Azur in those days, +if it could have helped him to understand something that still baffled +him in the smile or in the eyes of Odette, more enthusiasm than does +the aesthete who ransacks the extant documents of fifteenth-century +Florence, so as to try to penetrate further into the soul of the +Primavera, the fair Vanna or the Venus of Botticelli. He would sit, +often, without saying a word to her, only gazing at her and dreaming; +and she would comment: "You do look sad!" It was not very long since, +from the idea that she was an excellent creature, comparable to the best +women that he had known, he had passed to that of her being 'kept'; and +yet already, by an inverse process, he had returned from the Odette de +Crécy, perhaps too well known to the holiday-makers, to the 'ladies' +men' of Nice and Baden, to this face, the expression on which was so +often gentle, to this nature so eminently human. He would ask himself: +"What does it mean, after all, to say that everyone at Nice knows who +Odette de Crécy is? Reputations of that sort, even when they're true, +are always based upon other people's ideas"; he would reflect that this +legend--even if it were authentic--was something external to Odette, +was not inherent in her like a mischievous and ineradicable personality; +that the creature who might have been led astray was a woman with frank +eyes, a heart full of pity for the sufferings of others, a docile body +which he had pressed tightly in his arms and explored with his fingers, +a woman of whom he might one day come into absolute possession if he +succeeded in making himself indispensable to her. There she was, +often tired, her face left blank for the nonce by that eager, feverish +preoccupation with the unknown things which made Swann suffer; she would +push back her hair with both hands; her forehead, her whole face would +seem to grow larger; then, suddenly, some ordinary human thought, some +worthy sentiment such as is to be found in all creatures when, in a +moment of rest or meditation, they are free to express themselves, would +flash out from her eyes like a ray of gold. And immediately the whole of +her face would light up like a grey landscape, swathed in clouds which, +suddenly, are swept away and the dull scene transfigured, at the moment +of the sun's setting. The life which occupied Odette at such times, even +the future which she seemed to be dreamily regarding, Swann could have +shared with her. No evil disturbance seemed to have left any effect on +them. Rare as they became, those moments did not occur in vain. By the +process of memory, Swann joined the fragments together, abolished the +intervals between them, cast, as in molten gold, the image of an Odette +compact of kindness and tranquillity, for whom he was to make, later on +(as we shall see in the second part of this story) sacrifices which the +other Odette would never have won from him. But how rare those moments +were, and how seldom he now saw her! Even in regard to their evening +meetings, she would never tell him until the last minute whether she +would be able to see him, for, reckoning on his being always free, she +wished first to be certain that no one else would offer to come to her. +She would plead that she was obliged to wait for an answer which was of +the very greatest importance, and if, even after she had made Swann +come to her house, any of her friends asked her, half-way through the +evening, to join them at some theatre, or at supper afterwards, she +would jump for joy and dress herself with all speed. As her toilet +progressed, every movement that she made brought Swann nearer to the +moment when he would have to part from her, when she would fly off with +irresistible force; and when at length she was ready, and, plunging into +her mirror a last glance strained and brightened by her anxiety to look +well, smeared a little salve on her lips, fixed a stray loci of hair +over her brow, and called for her cloak of sky-blue silk with golden +tassels, Swann would be looking so wretched that she would be unable to +restrain a gesture of impatience as she flung at him: "So that is how +you thank me for keeping you here till the last minute! And I thought +I was being so nice to you. Well, I shall know better another time!" +Sometimes, at the risk of annoying her, he made up his mind that he +would find out where she had gone, and even dreamed of a defensive +alliance with Forcheville, who might perhaps have been able to tell him. +But anyhow, when he knew with whom she was spending the evening, it +was very seldom that he could not discover, among all his innumerable +acquaintance, some one who knew--if only indirectly--the man with +whom she had gone out, and could easily obtain this or that piece of +information about him. And while he was writing to one of his friends, +asking him to try to get a little light thrown upon some point or other, +he would feel a sense of relief on ceasing to vex himself with questions +to which there was no answer and transferring to some one else the +strain of interrogation. It is true that Swann was little the wiser for +such information as he did receive. To know a thing does not enable us, +always, to prevent its happening, but after all the things that we know +we do hold, if not in our hands, at any rate in our minds, where we can +dispose of them as we choose, which gives us the illusion of a sort of +power to control them. He was quite happy whenever M. de Charlus was +with Odette. He knew that between M. de Charlus and her nothing untoward +could ever happen, that when M. de Charlus went anywhere with her, it +was out of friendship for himself, and that he would make no difficulty +about telling him everything that she had done. Sometimes she had +declared so emphatically to Swann that it was impossible for him to see +her on a particular evening, she seemed to be looking forward so keenly +to some outing, that Swann attached a very real importance to the fact +that M. de Charlus was free to accompany her. Next day, without daring +to put many questions to M. de Charlus, he would force him, by appearing +not quite to understand his first answers, to give him more, after each +of which he would feel himself increasingly relieved, for he very +soon learned that Odette had spent her evening in the most innocent of +dissipations. + +"But what do you mean, my dear Mémé, I don't quite understand.... You +didn't go straight from her house to the Musée Grévin? Surely you went +somewhere else first? No? That is very odd! You don't know how amusing +you are, my dear Mémé. But what an odd idea of hers to go on to the Chat +Noir afterwards; it was her idea, I suppose? No? Yours? That's strange. +After all, it wasn't a bad idea; she must have known dozens of people +there? No? She never spoke to a soul? How extraordinary! Then you sat +there like that, just you and she, all by yourselves? I can picture you, +sitting there! You are a worthy fellow, my dear Mémé; I'm exceedingly +fond of you." + +Swann was now quite at ease. To him, who had so often happened, when +talking to friends who knew nothing of his love, friends to whom he +hardly listened, to hear certain detached sentences (as, for instance, +"I saw Mme. de Crécy yesterday; she was with a man I didn't know."), +sentences which dropped into his heart and passed at once into a solid +state, grew hard as stalagmites, and seared and tore him as they lay +there irremovable,--how charming, by way of contrast, were the words: +"She didn't know a soul; she never spoke to a soul." How freely they +coursed through him, how fluid they were, how vaporous, how easy to +breathe! And yet, a moment later, he was telling himself that Odette +must find him very dull if those were the pleasures that she preferred +to his company. And their very insignificance, though it reassured him, +pained him as if her enjoyment of them had been an act of treachery. + +Even when he could not discover where she had gone, it would have +sufficed to alleviate the anguish that he then felt, for which Odette's +presence, the charm of her company, was the sole specific (a specific +which in the long run served, like many other remedies, to aggravate the +disease, but at least brought temporary relief to his sufferings), it +would have sufficed, had Odette only permitted him to remain in her +house while she was out, to wait there until that hour of her return, +into whose stillness and peace would flow, to be mingled and lost there, +all memory of those intervening hours which some sorcery, some cursed +spell had made him imagine as, somehow, different from the rest. But she +would not; he must return home; he forced himself, on the way, to form +various plans, ceased to think of Odette; he even reached the stage, +while he undressed, of turning over all sorts of happy ideas in his +mind: it was with a light heart, buoyed with the anticipation of going +to see some favourite work of art on the morrow, that he jumped into +bed and turned out the light; but no sooner had he made himself ready +to sleep, relaxing a self-control of which he was not even conscious, +so habitual had it become, than an icy shudder convulsed his body and he +burst into sobs. He did not wish to know why, but dried his eyes, saying +with a smile: "This is delightful; I'm becoming neurasthenic." After +which he could not save himself from utter exhaustion at the thought +that, next day, he must begin afresh his attempt to find out what Odette +had been doing, must use all his influence to contrive to see her. This +compulsion to an activity without respite, without variety, without +result, was so cruel a scourge that one day, noticing a swelling over +his stomach, he felt an actual joy in the idea that he had, perhaps, a +tumour which would prove fatal, that he need not concern himself with +anything further, that it was his malady which was going to govern his +life, to make a plaything of him, until the not-distant end. If indeed, +at this period, it often happened that, though without admitting it even +to himself, he longed for death, it was in order to escape not so +much from the keenness of his sufferings as from the monotony of his +struggle. + +And yet he would have wished to live until the time came when he no +longer loved her, when she would have no reason for lying to him, when +at length he might learn from her whether, on the day when he had gone +to see her in the afternoon, she had or had not been in the arms of +Forcheville. Often for several days on end the suspicion that she was +in love with some one else would distract his mind from the question +of Forcheville, making it almost immaterial to him, like those new +developments of a continuous state of ill-health which seem for a little +time to have delivered us from their predecessors. There were even +days when he was not tormented by any suspicion. He fancied that he was +cured. But next morning, when he awoke, he felt in the same place +the same pain, a sensation which, the day before, he had, as it were, +diluted in the torrent of different impressions. But it had not stirred +from its place. Indeed, it was the sharpness of this pain that had +awakened him. + +Since Odette never gave him any information as to those vastly important +matters which took up so much of her time every day (albeit he had lived +long enough in the world to know that such matters are never anything +else than pleasures) he could not sustain for any length of time the +effort to imagine them; his brain would become a void; then he would +pass a finger over his tired eyelids, in the same way as he might have +wiped his eyeglass, and would cease altogether to think. There +emerged, however, from this unexplored tract, certain occupations which +reappeared from time to time, vaguely connected by Odette with some +obligation towards distant relatives or old friends who, inasmuch as +they were the only people whom she was in the habit of mentioning +as preventing her from seeing him, seemed to Swann to compose the +necessary, unalterable setting of her life. Because of the tone in which +she referred, from time to time, to "the day when I go with my friend +to the Hippodrome," if, when he felt unwell and had thought, "Perhaps +Odette would be kind and come to see me," he remembered, suddenly, that +it was one of those very days, he would correct himself with an "Oh, +no! It's not worth while asking her to come; I should have thought of it +before, this is the day when she goes with her friend to the Hippodrome. +We must confine ourselves to what is possible; no use wasting our time +in proposing things that can't be accepted and are declined in +advance." And this duty that was incumbent upon Odette, of going to the +Hippodrome, to which Swann thus gave way, seemed to him to be not merely +ineluctable in itself; but the mark of necessity which stamped it seemed +to make plausible and legitimate everything that was even remotely +connected with it. If, when Odette, in the street, had acknowledged the +salute of a passer-by, which had aroused Swann's jealousy, she replied +to his questions by associating the stranger with any of the two or +three paramount duties of which she had often spoken to him; if, for +instance, she said: "That's a gentleman who was in my friend's box the +other day; the one I go to the Hippodrome with," that explanation would +set Swann's suspicions at rest; it was, after all, inevitable that +this friend should have other guests than Odette in her box at the +Hippodrome, but he had never sought to form or succeeded in forming any +coherent impression of them. Oh! how he would have loved to know her, +that friend who went to the Hippodrome, how he would have loved her to +invite him there with Odette. How readily he would have sacrificed +all his acquaintance for no matter what person who was in the habit of +seeing Odette, were she but a manicurist or a girl out of a shop. He +would have taken more trouble, incurred more expense for them than for +queens. Would they not have supplied him, out of what was contained in +their knowledge of the life of Odette, with the one potent anodyne for +his pain? With what joy would he have hastened to spend his days with +one or other of those humble folk with whom Odette kept up friendly +relations, either with some ulterior motive or from genuine simplicity +of nature. How willingly would he have fixed his abode for ever in the +attics of some sordid but enviable house, where Odette went but never +took him, and where, if he had lived with the little retired dressmaker, +whose lover he would readily have pretended to be, he would have been +visited by Odette almost daily. In those regions, that were almost +slums, what a modest existence, abject, if you please, but delightful, +nourished by tranquillity and happiness, he would have consented to lead +indefinitely. + +It sometimes happened, again, that, when, after meeting Swann, she saw +some man approaching whom he did not know, he could distinguish upon +Odette's face that look of sorrow which she had worn on the day when he +had come to her while Forcheville was there. But this was rare; for, on +the days when, in spite of all that she had to do, and of her dread +of what people would think, she did actually manage to see Swann, the +predominant quality in her attitude, now, was self-assurance; a striking +contrast, perhaps an unconscious revenge for, perhaps a natural reaction +from the timorous emotion which, in the early days of their friendship, +she had felt in his presence, and even in his absence, when she began a +letter to him with the words: "My dear, my hand trembles so that I can +scarcely write." (So, at least, she pretended, and a little of that +emotion must have been sincere, or she would not have been anxious to +enlarge and emphasise it.) So Swann had been pleasing to her then. Our +hands do not tremble except for ourselves, or for those whom we love. +When they have ceased to control our happiness how peaceful, how easy, +how bold do we become in their presence! In speaking to him, in writing +to him now, she no longer employed those words by which she had +sought to give herself the illusion that he belonged to her, creating +opportunities for saying "my" and "mine" when she referred to him: "You +are all that I have in the world; it is the perfume of our friendship, I +shall keep it," nor spoke to him of the future, of death itself, as of +a single adventure which they would have to share. In those early days, +whatever he might say to her, she would answer admiringly: "You know, +you will never be like other people!"--she would gaze at his long, +slightly bald head, of which people who know only of his successes +used to think: "He's not regularly good-looking, if you like, but he is +smart; that tuft, that eyeglass, that smile!" and, with more curiosity +perhaps to know him as he really was than desire to become his mistress, +she would sigh: + +"I do wish I could find out what there is in that head of yours!" + +But, now, whatever he might say, she would answer, in a tone sometimes +of irritation, sometimes indulgent: "Ah! so you never will be like other +people!" + +She would gaze at his head, which was hardly aged at all by his recent +anxieties (though people now thought of it, by the same mental process +which enables one to discover the meaning of a piece of symphonic music +of which one has read the programme, or the 'likenesses' in a child +whose family one has known: "He's not positively ugly, if you like, +but he is really rather absurd; that eyeglass, that tuft, that smile!" +realising in their imagination, fed by suggestion, the invisible +boundary which divides, at a few months' interval, the head of an ardent +lover from a cuckold's), and would say: + +"Oh, I do wish I could change you; put some sense into that head of +yours." + +Always ready to believe in the truth of what he hoped, if it was only +Odette's way of behaving to him that left room for doubt, he would fling +himself greedily upon her words: "You can if you like," he would tell +her. + +And he tried to explain to her that to comfort him, to control him, to +make him work would be a noble task, to which numbers of other women +asked for nothing better than to be allowed to devote themselves, though +it is only fair to add that in those other women's hands the noble +task would have seemed to Swann nothing more than an indiscreet and +intolerable usurpation of his freedom of action. "If she didn't love me, +just a little," he told himself, "she would not wish to have me altered. +To alter me, she will have to see me more often." And so he was able to +trace, in these faults which she found in him, a proof at least of +her interest, perhaps even of her love; and, in fact, she gave him so +little, now, of the last, that he was obliged to regard as proofs of +her interest in him the various things which, every now and then, she +forbade him to do. One day she announced that she did not care for his +coachman, who, she thought, was perhaps setting Swann against her, and, +anyhow, did not shew that promptness and deference to Swann's orders +which she would have liked to see. She felt that he wanted to hear her +say: "Don't have him again when you come to me," just as he might have +wanted her to kiss him. So, being in a good temper, she said it; and he +was deeply moved. That evening, when talking to M. de Charlus, with whom +he had the satisfaction of being able to speak of her openly (for the +most trivial remarks that he uttered now, even to people who had never +heard of her, had always some sort of reference to Odette), he said to +him: + +"I believe, all the same, that she loves me; she is so nice to me now, +and she certainly takes an interest in what I do." + +And if, when he was starting off for her house, getting into his +carriage with a friend whom he was to drop somewhere on the way, +his friend said: "Hullo! that isn't Loredan on the box?" with what +melancholy joy would Swann answer him: + +"Oh! Good heavens, no! I can tell you, I daren't take Loredan when I +go to the Rue La Pérouse; Odette doesn't like me to have Loredan, she +thinks he doesn't suit me. What on earth is one to do? Women, you know, +women. My dear fellow, she would be furious. Oh, lord, yes; I've only to +take Rémi there; I should never hear the last of it!" + +These new manners, indifferent, listless, irritable, which Odette now +adopted with Swann, undoubtedly made him suffer; but he did not realise +how much he suffered; since it had been with a regular progression, day +after day, that Odette had chilled towards him, it was only by directly +contrasting what she was to-day with what she had been at first that he +could have measured the extent of the change that had taken place. Now +this change was his deep, his secret wound, which pained him day and +night, and whenever he felt that his thoughts were straying too near it, +he would quickly turn them into another channel for fear of being made +to suffer too keenly. He might say to himself in a vague way: "There +was a time when Odette loved me more," but he never formed any definite +picture of that time. Just as he had in his study a cupboard at which he +contrived never to look, which he turned aside to avoid passing whenever +he entered or left the room, because in one of its drawers he had locked +away the chrysanthemum which she had given him on one of those first +evenings when he had taken her home in his carriage, and the letters in +which she said: "Why did you not forget your heart also? I should never +have let you have that back," and "At whatever hour of the day or night +you may need me, just send me a word, and dispose of me as you please," +so there was a place in his heart to which he would never allow his +thoughts to trespass too near, forcing them, if need be, to evade it by +a long course of reasoning so that they should not have to pass within +reach of it; the place in which lingered his memories of happy days. + +But his so meticulous prudence was defeated one evening when he had gone +out to a party. + +It was at the Marquise de Saint-Euverte's, on the last, for that season, +of the evenings on which she invited people to listen to the musicians +who would serve, later on, for her charity concerts. Swann, who had +intended to go to each of the previous evenings in turn, but had never +been able to make up his mind, received, while he was dressing for this +party, a visit from the Baron de Charlus, who came with an offer to +go with him to the Marquise's, if his company could be of any use in +helping Swann not to feel quite so bored when he got there, to be a +little less unhappy. But Swann had thanked him with: + +"You can't conceive how glad I should be of your company. But the +greatest pleasure that you can give me will be if you will go instead +to see Odette. You know what a splendid influence you have over her. I +don't suppose she'll be going anywhere this evening, unless she goes to +see her old dressmaker, and I'm sure she would be delighted if you went +with her there. In any case, you'll find her at home before then. Try +to keep her amused, and also to give her a little sound advice. If you +could arrange something for to-morrow which would please her, something +that we could all three do together. Try to put out a feeler, too, for +the summer; see if there's anything she wants to do, a cruise that we +might all three take; anything you can think of. I don't count upon +seeing her to-night, myself; still if she would like me to come, or +if you find a loophole, you've only to send me a line at Mme. de +Saint-Euverte's up till midnight; after that I shall be here. Ever so +many thanks for all you are doing for me--you know what I feel about +you!" + +His friend promised to go and do as Swann wished as soon as he had +deposited him at the door of the Saint-Euverte house, where he arrived +soothed by the thought that M. de Charlus would be spending the evening +in the Rue La Pérouse, but in a state of melancholy indifference to +everything that did not involve Odette, and in particular to the details +of fashionable life, a state which invested them with the charm that is +to be found in anything which, being no longer an object of our desire, +appears to us in its own guise. On alighting from his carriage, in the +foreground of that fictitious summary of their domestic existence which +hostesses are pleased to offer to their guests on ceremonial occasions, +and in which they shew a great regard for accuracy of costume and +setting, Swann was amused to discover the heirs and successors of +Balzac's 'tigers'--now 'grooms'--. who normally followed their mistress +when she walked abroad, but now, hatted and booted, were posted out +of doors, in front of the house on the gravelled drive, or outside the +stables, as gardeners might be drawn up for inspection at the ends of +their several flower-beds. The peculiar tendency which he had always +had to look for analogies between living people and the portraits +in galleries reasserted itself here, but in a more positive and more +general form; it was society as a whole, now that he was detached +from it, which presented itself to him in a series of pictures. In the +cloak-room, into which, in the old days, when he was still a man of +fashion, he would have gone in his overcoat, to emerge from it in +evening dress, but without any impression of what had occurred there, +his mind having been, during the minute or two that he had spent in +it, either still at the party which he had just left, or already at the +party into which he was just about to be ushered, he now noticed, for +the first time, roused by the unexpected arrival of so belated a guest, +the scattered pack of splendid effortless animals, the enormous footmen +who were drowsing here and there upon benches and chests, until, +pointing their noble greyhound profiles, they towered upon their feet +and gathered in a circle round about him. + +One of them, of a particularly ferocious aspect, and not unlike the +headsman in certain Renaissance pictures which represent executions, +tortures, and the like, advanced upon him with an implacable air to take +his 'things.' But the harshness of his steely glare was compensated by +the softness of his cotton gloves, so effectively that, as he approached +Swann, he seemed to be exhibiting at once an utter contempt for his +person and the most tender regard for his hat. He took it with a care to +which the precision of his movements imparted something that was almost +over-fastidious, and with a delicacy that was rendered almost touching +by the evidence of his splendid strength. Then he passed it to one of +his satellites, a novice and timid, who was expressing the panic that +overpowered him by casting furious glances in every direction, and +displayed all the dumb agitation of a wild animal in the first hours of +its captivity. + +A few feet away, a strapping great lad in livery stood musing, +motionless, statuesque, useless, like that purely decorative warrior +whom one sees in the most tumultuous of Mantegna's paintings, lost in +dreams, leaning upon his shield, while all around him are fighting and +bloodshed and death; detached from the group of his companions who were +thronging about Swann, he seemed as determined to remain unconcerned in +the scene, which he followed vaguely with his cruel, greenish eyes, as +if it had been the Massacre of the Innocents or the Martyrdom of Saint +James. He seemed precisely to have sprung from that vanished race--if, +indeed, it ever existed, save in the reredos of San Zeno and the +frescoes of the Eremitani, where Swann had come in contact with it, and +where it still dreams--fruit of the impregnation of a classical statue +by some one of the Master's Paduan models, or of Albert Duerer's Saxons. +And the locks of his reddish hair, crinkled by nature, but glued to his +head by brilliantine, were treated broadly as they are in that Greek +sculpture which the Mantuan painter never ceased to study, and which, +if in its creator's purpose it represents but man, manages at least to +extract from man's simple outlines such a variety of richness, borrowed, +as it were, from the whole of animated nature, that a head of hair, +by the glossy undulation and beak-like points of its curls, or in the +overlaying of the florid triple diadem of its brushed tresses, can +suggest at once a bunch of seaweed, a brood of fledgling doves, a bed of +hyacinths and a serpent's writhing back. Others again, no less colossal, +were disposed upon the steps of a monumental staircase which, by their +decorative presence and marmorean immobility, was made worthy to be +named, like that god-crowned ascent in the Palace of the Doges, the +'Staircase of the Giants,' and on which Swann now set foot, saddened by +the thought that Odette had never climbed it. Ah, with what joy would +he, on the other hand, have raced up the dark, evil-smelling, breakneck +flights to the little dressmaker's, in whose attic he would so gladly +have paid the price of a weekly stage-box at the Opera for the right to +spend the evening there when Odette came, and other days too, for the +privilege of talking about her, of living among people whom she was in +the habit of seeing when he was not there, and who, on that account, +seemed to keep secret among themselves some part of the life of his +mistress more real, more inaccessible and more mysterious than anything +that he knew. Whereas upon that pestilential, enviable staircase to +the old dressmaker's, since there was no other, no service stair in the +building, one saw in the evening outside every door an empty, unwashed +milk-can set out, in readiness for the morning round, upon the door-mat; +on the despicable, enormous staircase which Swann was at that moment +climbing, on either side of him, at different levels, before each +anfractuosity made in its walls by the window of the porter's lodge or +the entrance to a set of rooms, representing the departments of indoor +service which they controlled, and doing homage for them to the guests, +a gate-keeper, a major-domo, a steward (worthy men who spent the rest +of the week in semi-independence in their own domains, dined there by +themselves like small shopkeepers, and might to-morrow lapse to the +plebeian service of some successful doctor or industrial magnate), +scrupulous in carrying out to the letter all the instructions that had +been heaped upon them before they were allowed to don the brilliant +livery which they wore only at long intervals, and in which they did not +feel altogether at their ease, stood each in the arcade of his doorway, +their splendid pomp tempered by a democratic good-fellowship, like +saints in their niches, and a gigantic usher, dressed Swiss Guard +fashion, like the beadle in a church, struck the pavement with his staff +as each fresh arrival passed him. Coming to the top of the staircase, up +which he had been followed by a servant with a pallid countenance and +a small pigtail clubbed at the back of his head, like one of Goya's +sacristans or a tabellion in an old play, Swann passed by an office in +which the lackeys, seated like notaries before their massive registers, +rose solemnly to their feet and inscribed his name. He next crossed a +little hall which--just as certain rooms are arranged by their owners +to serve as the setting for a single work of art (from which they +take their name), and, in their studied bareness, contain nothing else +besides--displayed to him as he entered it, like some priceless effigy +by Benvenuto Cellini of an armed watchman, a young footman, his body +slightly bent forward, rearing above his crimson gorget an even more +crimson face, from which seemed to burst forth torrents of fire, +timidity and zeal, who, as he pierced the Aubusson tapestries that +screened the door of the room in which the music was being given with +his impetuous, vigilant, desperate gaze, appeared, with a soldierly +impassibility or a supernatural faith--an allegory of alarums, +incarnation of alertness, commemoration of a riot--to be looking out, +angel or sentinel, from the tower of dungeon or cathedral, for the +approach of the enemy or for the hour of Judgment. Swann had now only to +enter the concert-room, the doors of which were thrown open to him by an +usher loaded with chains, who bowed low before him as though tendering +to him the keys of a conquered city. But he thought of the house +in which at that very moment he might have been, if Odette had but +permitted, and the remembered glimpse of an empty milk-can upon a +door-mat wrung his heart. + +He speedily recovered his sense of the general ugliness of the human +male when, on the other side of the tapestry curtain, the spectacle of +the servants gave place to that of the guests. But even this ugliness of +faces, which of course were mostly familiar to him, seemed something new +and uncanny, now that their features,--instead of being to him symbols +of practical utility in the identification of this or that man, who +until then had represented merely so many pleasures to be sought after, +boredoms to be avoided, or courtesies to be acknowledged--were at rest, +measurable by aesthetic co-ordinates alone, in the autonomy of their +curves and angles. And in these men, in the thick of whom Swann now +found himself packed, there was nothing (even to the monocle which many +of them wore, and which, previously, would, at the most, have enabled +Swann to say that so-and-so wore a monocle) which, no longer restricted +to the general connotation of a habit, the same in all of them, did not +now strike him with a sense of individuality in each. Perhaps because +he did not regard General de Froberville and the Marquis de Bréaute, who +were talking together just inside the door, as anything more than two +figures in a picture, whereas they were the old and useful friends who +had put him up for the Jockey Club and had supported him in duels, the +General's monocle, stuck like a shell-splinter in his common, scarred, +victorious, overbearing face, in the middle of a forehead which it +left half-blinded, like the single-eyed flashing front of the Cyclops, +appeared to Swann as a monstrous wound which it might have been glorious +to receive but which it was certainly not decent to expose, while +that which M. de Bréaute wore, as a festive badge, with his pearl-grey +gloves, his crush hat and white tie, substituting it for the familiar +pair of glasses (as Swann himself did) when he went out to places, bore, +glued to its other side, like a specimen prepared on a slide for the +microscope, an infinitesimal gaze that swarmed with friendly feeling and +never ceased to twinkle at the loftiness of ceilings, the delightfulness +of parties, the interestingness of programmes and the excellence of +refreshments. + +"Hallo! you here! why, it's ages since I've seen you," the General +greeted Swann and, noticing the look of strain on his face and +concluding that it was perhaps a serious illness that had kept him away, +went on, "You're looking well, old man!" while M. de Bréauté turned +with, "My dear fellow, what on earth are you doing here?" to a 'society +novelist' who had just fitted into the angle of eyebrow and cheek his +own monocle, the sole instrument that he used in his psychological +investigations and remorseless analyses of character, and who now +replied, with an air of mystery and importance, rolling the 'r':--"I am +observing!" + +The Marquis de Forestelle's monocle was minute and rimless, and, by +enforcing an incessant and painful contraction of the eye over which it +was incrusted like a superfluous cartilage, the presence of which there +was inexplicable and its substance unimaginable, it gave to his face a +melancholy refinement, and led women to suppose him capable of suffering +terribly when in love. But that of M. de Saint-Candé, girdled, like +Saturn, with an enormous ring, was the centre of gravity of a face which +composed itself afresh every moment in relation to the glass, while +his thrusting red nose and swollen sarcastic lips endeavoured by their +grimaces to rise to the level of the steady flame of wit that sparkled +in the polished disk, and saw itself preferred to the most ravishing +eyes in the world by the smart, depraved young women whom it set +dreaming of artificial charms and a refinement of sensual bliss; and +then, behind him, M. de Palancy, who with his huge carp's head and +goggling eyes moved slowly up and down the stream of festive gatherings, +unlocking his great mandibles at every moment as though in search of +his orientation, had the air of carrying about upon his person only an +accidental and perhaps purely symbolical fragment of the glass wall of +his aquarium, a part intended to suggest the whole which recalled to +Swann, a fervent admirer of Giotto's Vices and Virtues at Padua, that +Injustice by whose side a leafy bough evokes the idea of the forests +that enshroud his secret lair. + +Swann had gone forward into the room, under pressure from Mme. de +Saint-Euverte and in order to listen to an aria from _Orfeo_ which was +being rendered on the flute, and had taken up a position in a corner +from which, unfortunately, his horizon was bounded by two ladies of +'uncertain' age, seated side by side, the Marquise de Cambremer and the +Vicomtesse de Franquetot, who, because they were cousins, used to spend +their time at parties in wandering through the rooms, each clutching her +bag and followed by her daughter, hunting for one another like people at +a railway station, and could never be at rest until they had reserved, +by marking them with their fans or handkerchiefs, two adjacent chairs; +Mme. de Cambremer, since she knew scarcely anyone, being all the more +glad of a companion, while Mme. de Franquetot, who, on the contrary, +was extremely popular, thought it effective and original to shew all +her fine friends that she preferred to their company that of an obscure +country cousin with whom she had childish memories in common. Filled +with ironical melancholy, Swann watched them as they listened to the +pianoforte intermezzo (Liszt's 'Saint Francis preaching to the birds') +which came after the flute, and followed the virtuoso in his dizzy +flight; Mme. de Franquetot anxiously, her eyes starting from her head, +as though the keys over which his fingers skipped with such agility were +a series of trapezes, from any one of which he might come crashing, +a hundred feet, to the ground, stealing now and then a glance of +astonishment and unbelief at her companion, as who should say: "It isn't +possible, I would never have believed that a human being could do all +that!"; Mme. de Cambremer, as a woman who had received a sound musical +education, beating time with her head--transformed for the nonce into +the pendulum of a metronome, the sweep and rapidity of whose movements +from one shoulder to the other (performed with that look of wild +abandonment in her eye which a sufferer shews who is no longer able to +analyse his pain, nor anxious to master it, and says merely "I can't +help it") so increased that at every moment her diamond earrings caught +in the trimming of her bodice, and she was obliged to put straight the +bunch of black grapes which she had in her hair, though without any +interruption of her constantly accelerated motion. On the other side +(and a little way in front) of Mme. de Franquetot, was the Marquise de +Gallardon, absorbed in her favourite meditation, namely upon her own +kinship with the Guermantes family, from which she derived both publicly +and in private a good deal of glory not unmingled with shame, the most +brilliant ornaments of that house remaining somewhat aloof from her, +perhaps because she was just a tiresome old woman, or because she was a +scandalous old woman, or because she came of an inferior branch of the +family, or very possibly for no reason at all. When she found herself +seated next to some one whom she did not know, as she was at this moment +next to Mme. de Franquetot, she suffered acutely from the feeling that +her own consciousness of her Guermantes connection could not be made +externally manifest in visible character like those which, in the +mosaics in Byzantine churches, placed one beneath another, inscribe in a +vertical column by the side of some Sacred Personage the words which he +is supposed to be uttering. At this moment she was pondering the fact +that she had never received an invitation, or even call, from her young +cousin the Princesse des Laumes, during the six years that had already +elapsed since the latter's marriage. The thought filled her with +anger--and with pride; for, by virtue of having told everyone who +expressed surprise at never seeing her at Mme. des Laumes's, that it +was because of the risk of meeting the Princesse Mathilde there--a +degradation which her own family, the truest and bluest of Legitimists, +would never have forgiven her, she had come gradually to believe that +this actually was the reason for her not visiting her young cousin. She +remembered, it is true, that she had several times inquired of Mme. des +Laumes how they might contrive to meet, but she remembered it only in +a confused way, and besides did more than neutralise this slightly +humiliating reminiscence by murmuring, "After all, it isn't for me to +take the first step; I am at least twenty years older than she is." And +fortified by these unspoken words she flung her shoulders proudly back +until they seemed to part company with her bust, while her head, which +lay almost horizontally upon them, made one think of the 'stuck-on' head +of a pheasant which is brought to the table regally adorned with its +feathers. Not that she in the least degree resembled a pheasant, having +been endowed by nature with a short and squat and masculine figure; but +successive mortifications had given her a backward tilt, such as one may +observe in trees which have taken root on the very edge of a precipice +and are forced to grow backwards to preserve their balance. Since she +was obliged, in order to console herself for not being quite on a level +with the rest of the Guermantes, to repeat to herself incessantly that +it was owing to the uncompromising rigidity of her principles and pride +that she saw so little of them, the constant iteration had gradually +remoulded her body, and had given her a sort of 'bearing' which was +accepted by the plebeian as a sign of breeding, and even kindled, at +times, a momentary spark in the jaded eyes of old gentlemen in clubs. +Had anyone subjected Mme. de Gallardon's conversation to that form of +analysis which by noting the relative frequency of its several terms +would furnish him with the key to a ciphered message, he would at +once have remarked that no expression, not even the commonest forms +of speech, occurred in it nearly so often as "at my cousins the +Guermantes's," "at my aunt Guermantes's," "Elzéar de Guermantes's +health," "my cousin Guermantes's box." If anyone spoke to her of a +distinguished personage, she would reply that, although she was not +personally acquainted with him, she had seen him hundreds of times at +her aunt Guermantes's, but she would utter this reply in so icy a tone, +with such a hollow sound, that it was at once quite clear that if +she did not know the celebrity personally that was because of all the +obstinate, ineradicable principles against which her arching shoulders +were stretched back to rest, as on one of those ladders on which +gymnastic instructors make us 'extend' so as to develop the expansion of +our chests. + +At this moment the Princesse des Laumes, who had not been expected to +appear at Mme. de Saint-Euverte's that evening, did in fact arrive. To +shew that she did not wish any special attention, in a house to which +she had come by an act of condescension, to be paid to her superior +rank, she had entered the room with her arms pressed close to her sides, +even when there was no crowd to be squeezed through, no one attempting +to get past her; staying purposely at the back, with the air of being +in her proper place, like a king who stands in the waiting procession at +the doors of a theatre where the management have not been warned of his +coming; and strictly limiting her field of vision--so as not to seem to +be advertising her presence and claiming the consideration that was her +due--to the study of a pattern in the carpet or of her own skirt, she +stood there on the spot which had struck her as the most modest (and +from which, as she very well knew, a cry of rapture from Mme. de +Saint-Euverte would extricate her as soon as her presence there was +noticed), next to Mme. de Cambremer, whom, however, she did not know. +She observed the dumb-show by which her neighbour was expressing her +passion for music, but she refrained from copying it. This was not to +say that, for once that she had consented to spend a few minutes in Mme. +de Saint-Euverte's house, the Princesse des Laumes would not have wished +(so that the act of politeness to her hostess which she had performed by +coming might, so to speak, 'count double') to shew herself as friendly +and obliging as possible. But she had a natural horror of what she +called 'exaggerating,' and always made a point of letting people see +that she 'simply must not' indulge in any display of emotion that was +not in keeping with the tone of the circle in which she moved, although +such displays never failed to make an impression upon her, by virtue of +that spirit of imitation, akin to timidity, which is developed in the +most self-confident persons, by contact with an unfamiliar environment, +even though it be inferior to their own. She began to ask herself +whether these gesticulations might not, perhaps, be a necessary +concomitant of the piece of music that was being played, a piece which, +it might be, was in a different category from all the music that she had +ever heard before; and whether to abstain from them was not a sign of +her own inability to understand the music, and of discourtesy towards +the lady of the house; with the result that, in order to express by a +compromise both of her contradictory inclinations in turn, at one moment +she would merely straighten her shoulder-straps or feel in her golden +hair for the little balls of coral or of pink enamel, frosted with tiny +diamonds, which formed its simple but effective ornament, studying, with +a cold interest, her impassioned neighbour, while at another she would +beat time for a few bars with her fan, but, so as not to forfeit her +independence, she would beat a different time from the pianist's. When +he had finished the Liszt Intermezzo and had begun a Prelude by Chopin, +Mme. de Cambremer turned to Mme. de Franquetot with a tender smile, +full of intimate reminiscence, as well as of satisfaction (that of +a competent judge) with the performance. She had been taught in her +girlhood to fondle and cherish those long-necked, sinuous creatures, +the phrases of Chopin, so free, so flexible, so tactile, which begin by +seeking their ultimate resting-place somewhere beyond and far wide of +the direction in which they started, the point which one might have +expected them to reach, phrases which divert themselves in those +fantastic bypaths only to return more deliberately--with a more +premeditated reaction, with more precision, as on a crystal bowl which, +if you strike it, will ring and throb until you cry aloud in anguish--to +clutch at one's heart. + +Brought up in a provincial household with few friends or visitors, +hardly ever invited to a ball, she had fuddled her mind, in the solitude +of her old manor-house, over setting the pace, now crawling-slow, now +passionate, whirling, breathless, for all those imaginary waltzing +couples, gathering them like flowers, leaving the ball-room for a moment +to listen, where the wind sighed among the pine-trees, on the shore of +the lake, and seeing of a sudden advancing towards her, more different +from anything one had ever dreamed of than earthly lovers are, a slender +young man, whose voice was resonant and strange and false, in white +gloves. But nowadays the old-fashioned beauty of this music seemed +to have become a trifle stale. Having forfeited, some years back, the +esteem of 'really musical' people, it had lost its distinction and its +charm, and even those whose taste was frankly bad had ceased to find in +it more than a moderate pleasure to which they hardly liked to confess. +Mme. de Cambremer cast a furtive glance behind her. She knew that her +young daughter-in-law (full of respect for her new and noble family, +except in such matters as related to the intellect, upon which, having +'got as far' as Harmony and the Greek alphabet, she was specially +enlightened) despised Chopin, and fell quite ill when she heard him +played. But finding herself free from the scrutiny of this Wagnerian, +who was sitting, at some distance, in a group of her own contemporaries, +Mme. de Cambremer let herself drift upon a stream of exquisite memories +and sensations. The Princesse des Laumes was touched also. Though +without any natural gift for music, she had received, some fifteen +years earlier, the instruction which a music-mistress of the Faubourg +Saint-Germain, a woman of genius who had been, towards the end of +her life, reduced to penury, had started, at seventy, to give to the +daughters and granddaughters of her old pupils. This lady was now dead. +But her method, an echo of her charming touch, came to life now and +then in the fingers of her pupils, even of those who had been in other +respects quite mediocre, had given up music, and hardly ever opened a +piano. And so Mme. des Laumes could let her head sway to and fro, fully +aware of the cause, with a perfect appreciation of the manner in which +the pianist was rendering this Prelude, since she knew it by heart. The +closing notes of the phrase that he had begun sounded already on her +lips. And she murmured "How charming it is!" with a stress on the +opening consonants of the adjective, a token of her refinement by which +she felt her lips so romantically compressed, like the petals of a +beautiful, budding flower, that she instinctively brought her eyes into +harmony, illuminating them for a moment with a vague and sentimental +gaze. Meanwhile Mme. de Gallardon had arrived at the point of saying to +herself how annoying it was that she had so few opportunities of meeting +the Princesse des Laumes, for she meant to teach her a lesson by not +acknowledging her bow. She did not know that her cousin was in the room. +A movement of Mme. Franquetot's head disclosed the Princess. At once +Mme. de Gallardon dashed towards her, upsetting all her neighbours; +although determined to preserve a distant and glacial manner which +should remind everyone present that she had no desire to remain on +friendly terms with a person in whose house one might find oneself, any +day, cheek by jowl with the Princesse Mathilde, and to whom it was not +her duty to make advances since she was not 'of her generation,' +she felt bound to modify this air of dignity and reserve by some +non-committal remark which would justify her overture and would force +the Princess to engage in conversation; and so, when she reached her +cousin, Mme. de Gallardon, with a stern countenance and one hand thrust +out as though she were trying to 'force' a card, began with: "How is +your husband?" in the same anxious tone that she would have used if the +Prince had been seriously ill. The Princess, breaking into a laugh which +was one of her characteristics, and was intended at once to shew the +rest of an assembly that she was making fun of some one and also to +enhance her own beauty by concentrating her features around her animated +lips and sparkling eyes, answered: "Why; he's never been better in his +life!" And she went on laughing. + +Mme. de Gallardon then drew herself up and, chilling her expression +still further, perhaps because she was still uneasy about the Prince's +health, said to her cousin: + +"Oriane," (at once Mme. des Laumes looked with amused astonishment +towards an invisible third, whom she seemed to call to witness that she +had never authorised Mme. de Gallardon to use her Christian name) "I +should be so pleased if you would look in, just for a minute, to-morrow +evening, to hear a quintet, with the clarinet, by Mozart. I should like +to have your opinion of it." + +She seemed not so much to be issuing an invitation as to be asking +favour, and to want the Princess's opinion of the Mozart quintet just +as though it had been a dish invented by a new cook, whose talent it +was most important that an epicure should come to judge. + +"But I know that quintet quite well. I can tell you now--that I adore +it." + +"You know, my husband isn't at all well; it's his liver. He would like +so much to see you," Mme. de Gallardon resumed, making it now a corporal +work of charity for the Princess to appear at her party. + +The Princess never liked to tell people that she would not go to their +houses. Every day she would write to express her regret at having +been kept away--by the sudden arrival of her husband's mother, by an +invitation from his brother, by the Opera, by some excursion to the +country--from some party to which she had never for a moment dreamed of +going. In this way she gave many people the satisfaction of feeling that +she was on intimate terms with them, that she would gladly have come to +their houses, and that she had been prevented from doing so only by some +princely occurrence which they were flattered to find competing with +their own humble entertainment. And then, as she belonged to that +witty 'Guermantes set'--in which there survived something of the +alert mentality, stripped of all commonplace phrases and conventional +sentiments, which dated from Mérimée, and found its final expression in +the plays of Meilhac and Halévy--she adapted its formula so as to suit +even her social engagements, transposed it into the courtesy which was +always struggling to be positive and precise, to approximate itself to +the plain truth. She would never develop at any length to a hostess the +expression of her anxiety to be present at her party; she found it more +pleasant to disclose to her all the various little incidents on which it +would depend whether it was or was not possible for her to come. + +"Listen, and I'll explain," she began to Mme. de Gallardon. "To-morrow +evening I must go to a friend of mine, who has been pestering me to fix +a day for ages. If she takes us to the theatre afterwards, then I can't +possibly come to you, much as I should love to; but if we just stay in +the house, I know there won't be anyone else there, so I can slip away." + +"Tell me, have you seen your friend M. Swann?" + +"No! my precious Charles! I never knew he was here. Where is he? I must +catch his eye." + +"It's a funny thing that he should come to old Saint-Euverte's," Mme. de +Gallardon went on. "Oh, I know he's very clever," meaning by that 'very +cunning,' "but that makes no difference; fancy a Jew here, and she the +sister and sister-in-law of two Archbishops." + +"I am ashamed to confess that I am not in the least shocked," said the +Princesse des Laumes. + +"I know he's a converted Jew, and all that, and his parents and +grandparents before him. But they do say that the converted ones are +worse about their religion than the practising ones, that it's all just +a pretence; is that true, d'you think?" + +"I can throw no light at all on the matter." + +The pianist, who was 'down' to play two pieces by Chopin, after +finishing the Prelude had at once attacked a Polonaise. But once Mme. +de Gallardon had informed her cousin that Swann was in the room, Chopin +himself might have risen from the grave and played all his works in +turn without Mme. des Laumes's paying him the slightest attention. She +belonged to that one of the two divisions of the human race in which the +untiring curiosity which the other half feels about the people whom it +does not know is replaced by an unfailing interest in the people whom it +does. As with many women of the Faubourg Saint-Germain, the presence, in +any room in which she might find herself, of another member of her set, +even although she had nothing in particular to say to him, would occupy +her mind to the exclusion of every other consideration. From that +moment, in the hope that Swann would catch sight of her, the Princess +could do nothing but (like a tame white mouse when a lump of sugar is +put down before its nose and then taken away) turn her face, in which +were crowded a thousand signs of intimate connivance, none of them with +the least relevance to the sentiment underlying Chopin's music, in the +direction where Swann was, and, if he moved, divert accordingly the +course of her magnetic smile. + +"Oriane, don't be angry with me," resumed Mme. de Gallardon, who could +never restrain herself from sacrificing her highest social ambitions, +and the hope that she might one day emerge into a light that would +dazzle the world, to the immediate and secret satisfaction of saying +something disagreeable, "people do say about your M. Swann that he's the +sort of man one can't have in the house; is that true?" + +"Why, you, of all people, ought to know that it's true," replied the +Princesse des Laumes, "for you must have asked him a hundred times, and +he's never been to your house once." + +And leaving her cousin mortified afresh, she broke out again into a +laugh which scandalised everyone who was trying to listen to the music, +but attracted the attention of Mme. de Saint-Euverte, who had stayed, +out of politeness, near the piano, and caught sight of the Princess now +for the first time. Mme. de Saint-Euverte was all the more delighted +to see Mme. des Laumes, as she imagined her to be still at Guermantes, +looking after her father-in-law, who was ill. + +"My dear Princess, you here?" + +"Yes, I tucked myself away in a corner, and I've been hearing such +lovely things." + +"What, you've been in the room quite a time?" + +"Oh, yes, quite a long time, which seemed very short; it was only long +because I couldn't see you." + +Mme. de Saint-Euverte offered her own chair to the Princess, who +declined it with: + +"Oh, please, no! Why should you? It doesn't matter in the least where +I sit." And deliberately picking out, so as the better to display the +simplicity of a really great lady, a low seat without a back: "There +now, that hassock, that's all I want. It will make me keep my back +straight. Oh! Good heavens, I'm making a noise again; they'll be telling +you to have me 'chucked out'." + +Meanwhile, the pianist having doubled his speed, the emotion of the +music-lovers was reaching its climax, a servant was handing refreshments +about on a salver, and was making the spoons rattle, and, as on every +other 'party-night', Mme. de Saint-Euverte was making signs to him, +which he never saw, to leave the room. A recent bride, who had been told +that a young woman ought never to appear bored, was smiling vigorously, +trying to catch her hostess's eye so as to flash a token of her +gratitude for the other's having 'thought of her' in connection with so +delightful an entertainment. And yet, although she remained more calm +than Mme. de Franquetot, it was not without some uneasiness that she +followed the flying fingers; what alarmed her being not the pianist's +fate but the piano's, on which a lighted candle, jumping at each +_fortissimo_, threatened, if not to set its shade on fire, at least to +spill wax upon the ebony. At last she could contain herself no longer, +and, running up the two steps of the platform on which the piano stood, +flung herself on the candle to adjust its sconce. But scarcely had her +hand come within reach of it when, on a final chord, the piece finished, +and the pianist rose to his feet. Nevertheless the bold initiative shewn +by this young woman and the moment of blushing confusion between her +and the pianist which resulted from it, produced an impression that was +favourable on the whole. + +"Did you see what that girl did just now, Princess?" asked General de +Froberville, who had come up to Mme. des Laumes as her hostess left her +for a moment. "Odd, wasn't it? Is she one of the performers?" + +"No, she's a little Mme. de Cambremer," replied the Princess carelessly, +and then, with more animation: "I am only repeating what I heard just +now, myself; I haven't the faintest notion who said it, it was some one +behind me who said that they were neighbours of Mme. de Saint-Euverte in +the country, but I don't believe anyone knows them, really. They must be +'country cousins'! By the way, I don't know whether you're particularly +'well-up' in the brilliant society which we see before us, because I've +no idea who all these astonishing people can be. What do you suppose +they do with themselves when they're not at Mme. de Saint-Euverte's +parties? She must have ordered them in with the musicians and the chairs +and the food. 'Universal providers,' you know. You must admit, they're +rather splendid, General. But can she really have the courage to hire +the same 'supers' every week? It isn't possible!" + +"Oh, but Cambremer is quite a good name; old, too," protested the +General. + +"I see no objection to its being old," the Princess answered dryly, "but +whatever else it is it's not euphonious," she went on, isolating the +word euphonious as though between inverted commas, a little affectation +to which the Guermantes set were addicted. + +"You think not, eh! She's a regular little peach, though," said the +General, whose eyes never strayed from Mme. de Cambremer. "Don't you +agree with me, Princess?" + +"She thrusts herself forward too much; I think, in so young a woman, +that's not very nice--for I don't suppose she's my generation," replied +Mme. des Laumes (the last word being common, it appeared, to Gallardon +and Guermantes). And then, seeing that M. de Froberville was still +gazing at Mme. de Cambremer, she added, half out of malice towards the +lady, half wishing to oblige the General: "Not very nice... for her +husband! I am sorry that I do not know her, since she seems to attract +you so much; I might have introduced you to her," said the Princess, +who, if she had known the young woman, would most probably have done +nothing of the sort. "And now I must say good night, because one of +my friends is having a birthday party, and I must go and wish her many +happy returns," she explained, modestly and with truth, reducing the +fashionable gathering to which she was going to the simple proportions +of a ceremony which would be boring in the extreme, but at which she was +obliged to be present, and there would be something touching about her +appearance. "Besides, I must pick up Basin. While I've been here, he's +gone to see those friends of his--you know them too, I'm sure,--who are +called after a bridge--oh, yes, the Iénas." + +"It was a battle before it was a bridge, Princess; it was a victory!" +said the General. "I mean to say, to an old soldier like me," he went +on, wiping his monocle and replacing it, as though he were laying +a fresh dressing on the raw wound underneath, while the Princess +instinctively looked away, "that Empire nobility, well, of course, it's +not the same thing, but, after all, taking it as it is, it's very fine +of its kind; they were people who really did fight like heroes." + +"But I have the deepest respect for heroes," the Princess assented, +though with a faint trace of irony. "If I don't go with Basin to see +this Princesse d'Iéna, it isn't for that, at all; it's simply because +I don't know them. Basin knows them; he worships them. Oh, no, it's not +what you think; he's not in love with her. I've nothing to set my face +against! Besides, what good has it ever done when I have set my face +against them?" she queried sadly, for the whole world knew that, +ever since the day upon which the Prince des Laumes had married his +fascinating cousin, he had been consistently unfaithful to her. "Anyhow, +it isn't that at all. They're people he has known for ever so long, they +do him very well, and that suits me down to the ground. But I must tell +you what he's told me about their house; it's quite enough. Can you +imagine it, all their furniture is 'Empire'!" + +"But, my dear Princess, that's only natural; it belonged to their +grandparents." + +"I don't quite say it didn't, but that doesn't make it any less ugly. I +quite understand that people can't always have nice things, but at least +they needn't have things that are merely grotesque. What do you say? +I can think of nothing more devastating, more utterly smug than that +hideous style--cabinets covered all over with swans' heads, like +bath-taps!" + +"But I believe, all the same, that they've got some lovely things; why, +they must have that famous mosaic table on which the Treaty of..." + +"Oh, I don't deny, they may have things that are interesting enough +from the historic point of view. But things like that can't, ever, be +beautiful ... because they're simply horrible! I've got things like that +myself, that came to Basin from the Montesquious. Only, they're up in +the attics at Guermantes, where nobody ever sees them. But, after all, +that's not the point, I would fly to see them, with Basin; I would even +go to see them among all their sphinxes and brasses, if I knew them, +but--I don't know them! D'you know, I was always taught, when I was a +little girl, that it was not polite to call on people one didn't know." +She assumed a tone of childish gravity. "And so I am just doing what +I was taught to do. Can't you see those good people, with a totally +strange woman bursting into their house? Why, I might get a most hostile +reception." + +And she coquettishly enhanced the charm of the smile which the idea had +brought to her lips, by giving to her blue eyes, which were fixed on the +General, a gentle, dreamy expression. + +"My dear Princess, you know that they'd be simply wild with joy." + +"No, why?" she inquired, with the utmost vivacity, either so as to seem +unaware that it would be because she was one of the first ladies in +France, or so as to have the pleasure of hearing the General tell +her so. "Why? How can you tell? Perhaps they would think it the most +unpleasant thing that could possibly happen. I know nothing about them, +but if they're anything like me, I find it quite boring enough to see +the people I do know; I'm sure if I had to see people I didn't know +as well, even if they had 'fought like heroes,' I should go stark mad. +Besides, except when it's an old friend like you, whom one knows quite +apart from that, I'm not sure that 'heroism' takes one very far in +society. It's often quite boring enough to have to give a dinner-party, +but if one had to offer one's arm to Spartacus, to let him take one +down...! Really, no; it would never be Vercingetorix I should send for, +to make a fourteenth. I feel sure, I should keep him for really big +'crushes.' And as I never give any..." + +"Ah! Princess, it's easy to see you're not a Guermantes for nothing. You +have your share of it, all right, the 'wit of the Guermantes'!" + +"But people always talk about the wit of the Guermantes; I never could +make out why. Do you really know any others who have it?" she rallied +him, with a rippling flow of laughter, her features concentrated, yoked +to the service of her animation, her eyes sparkling, blazing with +a radiant sunshine of gaiety which could be kindled only by such +speeches--even if the Princess had to make them herself--as were in +praise of her wit or of her beauty. "Look, there's Swann talking to your +Cambremer woman; over there, beside old Saint-Euverte, don't you see +him? Ask him to introduce you. But hurry up, he seems to be just going!" + +"Did you notice how dreadfully ill he's looking?" asked the General. + +"My precious Charles? Ah, he's coming at last; I was beginning to think +he didn't want to see me!" + +Swann was extremely fond of the Princesse des Laumes, and the sight of +her recalled to him Guermantes, a property close to Combray, and all +that country which he so dearly loved and had ceased to visit, so as not +to be separated from Odette. Slipping into the manner, half-artistic, +half-amorous--with which he could always manage to amuse the Princess--a +manner which came to him quite naturally whenever he dipped for a moment +into the old social atmosphere, and wishing also to express in words, +for his own satisfaction, the longing that he felt for the country: + +"Ah!" he exclaimed, or rather intoned, in such a way as to be audible at +once to Mme. de Saint-Euverte, to whom he spoke, and to Mme. des Laumes, +for whom he was speaking, "Behold our charming Princess! See, she has +come up on purpose from Guermantes to hear Saint Francis preach to the +birds, and has only just had time, like a dear little tit-mouse, to go +and pick a few little hips and haws and put them in her hair; there are +even some drops of dew upon them still, a little of the hoar-frost +which must be making the Duchess, down there, shiver. It is very pretty +indeed, my dear Princess." + +"What! The Princess came up on purpose from Guermantes? But that's too +wonderful! I never knew; I'm quite bewildered," Mme. de Saint-Euverte +protested with quaint simplicity, being but little accustomed to Swann's +way of speaking. And then, examining the Princess's headdress, +"Why, you're quite right; it is copied from... what shall I say, not +chestnuts, no,--oh, it's a delightful idea, but how can the Princess +have known what was going to be on my programme? The musicians didn't +tell me, even." + +Swann, who was accustomed, when he was with a woman whom he had kept +up the habit of addressing in terms of gallantry, to pay her delicate +compliments which most other people would not and need not understand, +did not condescend to explain to Mme. de Saint-Euverte that he had +been speaking metaphorically. As for the Princess, she was in fits of +laughter, both because Swann's wit was highly appreciated by her set, +and because she could never hear a compliment addressed to herself +without finding it exquisitely subtle and irresistibly amusing. + +"Indeed! I'm delighted, Charles, if my little hips and haws meet with +your approval. But tell me, why did you bow to that Cambremer person, +are you also her neighbour in the country?" + +Mme. de Saint-Euverte, seeing that the Princess seemed quite happy +talking to Swann, had drifted away. + +"But you are, yourself, Princess!" + +"I! Why, they must have 'countries' everywhere, those creatures! Don't I +wish I had!" + +"No, not the Cambremers; her own people. She was a Legrandin, and used +to come to Combray. I don't know whether you are aware that you are +Comtesse de Combray, and that the Chapter owes you a due." + +"I don't know what the Chapter owes me, but I do know that I'm 'touched' +for a hundred francs, every year, by the Curé, which is a due that I +could very well do without. But surely these Cambremers have rather a +startling name. It ends just in time, but it ends badly!" she said with +a laugh. + +"It begins no better." Swann took the point. + +"Yes; that double abbreviation!" + +"Some one very angry and very proper who didn't dare to finish the first +word." + +"But since he couldn't stop himself beginning the second, he'd have done +better to finish the first and be done with it. We are indulging in +the most refined form of humour, my dear Charles, in the very best of +taste--but how tiresome it is that I never see you now," she went on in +a coaxing tone, "I do so love talking to you. Just imagine, I could not +make that idiot Froberville see that there was anything funny about the +name Cambremer. Do agree that life is a dreadful business. It's only +when I see you that I stop feeling bored." + +Which was probably not true. But Swann and the Princess had the same way +of looking at the little things of life--the effect, if not the cause of +which was a close analogy between their modes of expression and even of +pronunciation. This similarity was not striking because no two things +could have been more unlike than their voices. But if one took the +trouble to imagine Swann's utterances divested of the sonority that +enwrapped them, of the moustache from under which they emerged, one +found that they were the same phrases, the same inflexions, that they +had the 'tone' of the Guermantes set. On important matters, Swann and +the Princess had not an idea in common. But since Swann had become so +melancholy, and was always in that trembling condition which precedes +a flood of tears, he had the same need to speak about his grief that +a murderer has to tell some one about his crime. And when he heard +the Princess say that life was a dreadful business, he felt as much +comforted as if she had spoken to him of Odette. + +"Yes, life is a dreadful business! We must meet more often, my dear +friend. What is so nice about you is that you are not cheerful. We could +spend a most pleasant evening together." + +"I'm sure we could; why not come down to Guermantes? My mother-in-law +would be wild with joy. It's supposed to be very ugly down there, but +I must say, I find the neighborhood not at all unattractive; I have a +horror of 'picturesque spots'." + +"I know it well, it's delightful!" replied Swann. "It's almost too +beautiful, too much alive for me just at present; it's a country to +be happy in. It's perhaps because I have lived there, but things there +speak to me so. As soon as a breath of wind gets up, and the cornfields +begin to stir, I feel that some one is going to appear suddenly, that +I am going to hear some news; and those little houses by the water's +edge... I should be quite wretched!" + +"Oh! my dearest Charles, do take care; there's that appalling Rampillon +woman; she's seen me; hide me somewhere, do tell me again, quickly, what +it was that happened to her; I get so mixed up; she's just married off +her daughter, or her lover (I never can remember),--perhaps both--to +each other! Oh, no, I remember now, she's been dropped by her Prince... +Pretend to be talking, so that the poor old Berenice sha'n't come and +invite me to dinner. Anyhow, I'm going. Listen, my dearest Charles, now +that I have seen you, once in a blue moon, won't you let me carry you +off and take you to the Princesse de Parme's, who would be so pleased +to see you (you know), and Basin too, for that matter; he's meeting me +there. If one didn't get news of you, sometimes, from Mémé... Remember, +I never see you at all now!" + +Swann declined. Having told M. de Charlus that, on leaving Mme. de +Saint-Euverte's, he would go straight home, he did not care to run the +risk, by going on now to the Princesse de Parme's, of missing a message +which he had, all the time, been hoping to see brought in to him by one +of the footmen, during the party, and which he was perhaps going to find +left with his own porter, at home. + +"Poor Swann," said Mme. des Laumes that night to her husband; "he is +always charming, but he does look so dreadfully unhappy. You will see +for yourself, for he has promised to dine with us one of these days. I +do feel that it's really absurd that a man of his intelligence should +let himself be made to suffer by a creature of that kind, who isn't even +interesting, for they tell me, she's an absolute idiot!" she concluded +with the wisdom invariably shewn by people who, not being in love +themselves, feel that a clever man ought to be unhappy only about such +persons as are worth his while; which is rather like being astonished +that anyone should condescend to die of cholera at the bidding of so +insignificant a creature as the common bacillus. + +Swann now wished to go home, but, just as he was making his escape, +General de Froberville caught him and asked for an introduction to Mme. +de Cambremer, and he was obliged to go back into the room to look for +her. + +"I say, Swann, I'd rather be married to that little woman than killed by +savages, what do you say?" + +The words 'killed by savages' pierced Swann's aching heart; and at once +he felt the need of continuing the conversation. "Ah!" he began, "some +fine lives have been lost in that way... There was, you remember, that +explorer whose remains Dumont d'Urville brought back, La Pérouse..." +(and he was at once happy again, as though he had named Odette). "He was +a fine character, and interests me very much, does La Pérouse," he ended +sadly. + +"Oh, yes, of course, La Pérouse," said the General. "It's quite a +well-known name. There's a street called that." + +"Do you know anyone in the Rue La Pérouse?" asked Swann excitedly. + +"Only Mme. de Chanlivault, the sister of that good fellow Chaussepierre. +She gave a most amusing theatre-party the other evening. That's a house +that will be really smart some day, you'll see!" + +"Oh, so she lives in the Rue La Pérouse. It's attractive; I like that +street; it's so sombre." + +"Indeed it isn't. You can't have been in it for a long time; it's not at +all sombre now; they're beginning to build all round there." + +When Swann did finally introduce M. de Froberville to the young Mme. de +Cambremer, since it was the first time that she had heard the General's +name, she hastily outlined upon her lips the smile of joy and surprise +with which she would have greeted him if she had never, in the whole +of her life, heard anything else; for, as she did not yet know all the +friends of her new family, whenever anyone was presented to her, she +assumed that he must be one of them, and thinking that she would shew +her tact by appearing to have heard 'such a lot about him' since her +marriage, she would hold out her hand with an air of hesitation which +was meant as a proof at once of the inculcated reserve which she had to +overcome and of the spontaneous friendliness which successfully overcame +it. And so her parents-in-law, whom she still regarded as the most +eminent pair in France, declared that she was an angel; all the more +that they preferred to appear, in marrying her to their son, to have +yielded to the attraction rather of her natural charm than of her +considerable fortune. + +"It's easy to see that you're a musician heart and soul, Madame," said +the General, alluding to the incident of the candle. + +Meanwhile the concert had begun again, and Swann saw that he could not +now go before the end of the new number. He suffered greatly from being +shut up among all these people whose stupidity and absurdities wounded +him all the more cruelly since, being ignorant of his love, incapable, +had they known of it, of taking any interest, or of doing more than +smile at it as at some childish joke, or deplore it as an act of +insanity, they made it appear to him in the aspect of a subjective +state which existed for himself alone, whose reality there was nothing +external to confirm; he suffered overwhelmingly, to the point at which +even the sound of the instruments made him want to cry, from having to +prolong his exile in this place to which Odette would never come, in +which no one, nothing was aware of her existence, from which she was +entirely absent. + +But suddenly it was as though she had entered, and this apparition tore +him with such anguish that his hand rose impulsively to his heart. What +had happened was that the violin had risen to a series of high notes, +on which it rested as though expecting something, an expectancy which +it prolonged without ceasing to hold on to the notes, in the exaltation +with which it already saw the expected object approaching, and with a +desperate effort to continue until its arrival, to welcome it before +itself expired, to keep the way open for a moment longer, with all its +remaining strength, that the stranger might enter in, as one holds a +door open that would otherwise automatically close. And before Swann had +had time to understand what was happening, to think: "It is the little +phrase from Vinteuil's sonata. I mustn't listen!", all his memories of +the days when Odette had been in love with him, which he had succeeded, +up till that evening, in keeping invisible in the depths of his being, +deceived by this sudden reflection of a season of love, whose sun, they +supposed, had dawned again, had awakened from their slumber, had taken +wing and risen to sing maddeningly in his ears, without pity for his +present desolation, the forgotten strains of happiness. + +In place of the abstract expressions "the time when I was happy," "the +time when I was loved," which he had often used until then, and without +much suffering, for his intelligence had not embodied in them anything +of the past save fictitious extracts which preserved none of the +reality, he now recovered everything that had fixed unalterably the +peculiar, volatile essence of that lost happiness; he could see it all; +the snowy, curled petals of the chrysanthemum which she had tossed +after him into his carriage, which he had kept pressed to his lips, the +address 'Maison Dorée,' embossed on the note-paper on which he had read +"My hand trembles so as I write to you," the frowning contraction of her +eyebrows when she said pleadingly: "You won't let it be very long before +you send for me?"; he could smell the heated iron of the barber whom he +used to have in to singe his hair while Loredan went to fetch the little +working girl; could feel the torrents of rain which fell so often that +spring, the ice-cold homeward drive in his victoria, by moonlight; all +the network of mental habits, of seasonable impressions, of sensory +reactions, which had extended over a series of weeks its uniform meshes, +by which his body now found itself inextricably held. At that time he +had been satisfying a sensual curiosity to know what were the pleasures +of those people who lived for love alone. He had supposed that he could +stop there, that he would not be obliged to learn their sorrows also; +how small a thing the actual charm of Odette was now in comparison with +that formidable terror which extended it like a cloudy halo all around +her, that enormous anguish of not knowing at every hour of the day and +night what she had been doing, of not possessing her wholly, at all +times and in all places! Alas, he recalled the accents in which she had +exclaimed: "But I can see you at any time; I am always free!"--she, who +was never free now; the interest, the curiosity that she had shewn in +his life, her passionate desire that he should do her the favour--of +which it was he who, then, had felt suspicious, as of a possibly tedious +waste of his time and disturbance of his arrangements--of granting her +access to his study; how she had been obliged to beg that he would let +her take him to the Verdurins'; and, when he did allow her to come to +him once a month, how she had first, before he would let himself be +swayed, had to repeat what a joy it would be to her, that custom of +their seeing each other daily, for which she had longed at a time when +to him it had seemed only a tiresome distraction, for which, since that +time, she had conceived a distaste and had definitely broken herself +of it, while it had become for him so insatiable, so dolorous a need. +Little had he suspected how truly he spoke when, on their third meeting, +as she repeated: "But why don't you let me come to you oftener?" he had +told her, laughing, and in a vein of gallantry, that it was for fear of +forming a hopeless passion. Now, alas, it still happened at times that +she wrote to him from a restaurant or hotel, on paper which bore a +printed address, but printed in letters of fire that seared his heart. +"Written from the Hôtel Vouillemont. What on earth can she have gone +there for? With whom? What happened there?" He remembered the gas-jets +that were being extinguished along the Boulevard des Italiens when he +had met her, when all hope was gone among the errant shades upon that +night which had seemed to him almost supernatural and which now (that +night of a period when he had not even to ask himself whether he would +be annoying her by looking for her and by finding her, so certain was he +that she knew no greater happiness than to see him and to let him take +her home) belonged indeed to a mysterious world to which one never may +return again once its doors are closed. And Swann could distinguish, +standing, motionless, before that scene of happiness in which it lived +again, a wretched figure which filled him with such pity, because he +did not at first recognise who it was, that he must lower his head, +lest anyone should observe that his eyes were filled with tears. It was +himself. + +When he had realised this, his pity ceased; he was jealous, now, of that +other self whom she had loved, he was jealous of those men of whom he +had so often said, without much suffering: "Perhaps she's in love with +them," now that he had exchanged the vague idea of loving, in +which there is no love, for the petals of the chrysanthemum and the +'letter-heading' of the Maison d'Or; for they were full of love. +And then, his anguish becoming too keen, he passed his hand over his +forehead, let the monocle drop from his eye, and wiped its glass. And +doubtless, if he had caught sight of himself at that moment, he would +have added to the collection of the monocles which he had already +identified, this one which he removed, like an importunate, worrying +thought, from his head, while from its misty surface, with his +handkerchief, he sought to obliterate his cares. + +There are in the music of the violin--if one does not see the instrument +itself, and so cannot relate what one hears to its form, which modifies +the fullness of the sound--accents which are so closely akin to those +of certain contralto voices, that one has the illusion that a singer has +taken her place amid the orchestra. One raises one's eyes; one sees only +the wooden case, magical as a Chinese box; but, at moments, one is +still tricked by the deceiving appeal of the Siren; at times, too, one +believes that one is listening to a captive spirit, struggling in the +darkness of its masterful box, a box quivering with enchantment, like a +devil immersed in a stoup of holy water; sometimes, again, it is in the +air, at large, like a pure and supernatural creature that reveals to the +ear, as it passes, its invisible message. + +As though the musicians were not nearly so much playing the little +phrase as performing the rites on which it insisted before it would +consent to appear, as proceeding to utter the incantations necessary +to procure, and to prolong for a few moments, the miracle of its +apparition, Swann, who was no more able now to see it than if it had +belonged to a world of ultra-violet light, who experienced something +like the refreshing sense of a metamorphosis in the momentary blindness +with which he had been struck as he approached it, Swann felt that it +was present, like a protective goddess, a confidant of his love, who, so +as to be able to come to him through the crowd, and to draw him aside to +speak to him, had disguised herself in this sweeping cloak of sound. And +as she passed him, light, soothing, as softly murmured as the perfume +of a flower, telling him what she had to say, every word of which +he closely scanned, sorry to see them fly away so fast, he made +involuntarily with his lips the motion of kissing, as it went by him, +the harmonious, fleeting form. + +He felt that he was no longer in exile and alone since she, who +addressed herself to him, spoke to him in a whisper of Odette. For he +had no longer, as of old, the impression that Odette and he were not +known to the little phrase. Had it not often been the witness of their +joys? True that, as often, it had warned him of their frailty. And +indeed, whereas, in that distant time, he had divined an element of +suffering in its smile, in its limpid and disillusioned intonation, +to-night he found there rather the charm of a resignation that was +almost gay. Of those sorrows, of which the little phrase had spoken +to him then, which he had seen it--without his being touched by them +himself--carry past him, smiling, on its sinuous and rapid course, of +those sorrows which were now become his own, without his having any hope +of being, ever, delivered from them, it seemed to say to him, as once +it had said of his happiness: "What does all that matter; it is all +nothing." And Swann's thoughts were borne for the first time on a wave +of pity and tenderness towards that Vinteuil, towards that unknown, +exalted brother who also must have suffered so greatly; what could his +life have been? From the depths of what well of sorrow could he have +drawn that god-like strength, that unlimited power of creation? + +When it was the little phrase that spoke to him of the vanity of his +sufferings, Swann found a sweetness in that very wisdom which, but a +little while back, had seemed to him intolerable when he thought that +he could read it on the faces of indifferent strangers, who would regard +his love as a digression that was without importance. 'Twas because the +little phrase, unlike them, whatever opinion it might hold on the short +duration of these states of the soul, saw in them something not, as +everyone else saw, less serious than the events of everyday life, but, +on the contrary, so far superior to everyday life as to be alone worthy +of the trouble of expressing it. Those graces of an intimate sorrow, +'twas them that the phrase endeavoured to imitate, to create anew; and +even their essence, for all that it consists in being incommunicable and +in appearing trivial to everyone save him who has experience of them, +the little phrase had captured, had rendered visible. So much so that it +made their value be confessed, their divine sweetness be tasted by +all those same onlookers--provided only that they were in any sense +musical--who, the next moment, would ignore, would disown them in real +life, in every individual love that came into being beneath their eyes. +Doubtless the form in which it had codified those graces could not be +analysed into any logical elements. But ever since, more than a year +before, discovering to him many of the riches of his own soul, the love +of music had been born, and for a time at least had dwelt in him, Swann +had regarded musical _motifs_ as actual ideas, of another world, of +another order, ideas veiled in shadows, unknown, impenetrable by +the human mind, which none the less were perfectly distinct one from +another, unequal among themselves in value and in significance. When, +after that first evening at the Verdurins', he had had the little +phrase played over to him again, and had sought to disentangle from his +confused impressions how it was that, like a perfume or a caress, +it swept over and enveloped him, he had observed that it was to the +closeness of the intervals between the five notes which composed it and +to the constant repetition of two of them that was due that impression +of a frigid, a contracted sweetness; but in reality he knew that he +was basing this conclusion not upon the phrase itself, but merely upon +certain equivalents, substituted (for his mind's convenience) for the +mysterious entity of which he had become aware, before ever he knew the +Verdurins, at that earlier party, when for the first time he had heard +the sonata played. He knew that his memory of the piano falsified still +further the perspective in which he saw the music, that the field +open to the musician is not a miserable stave of seven notes, but an +immeasurable keyboard (still, almost all of it, unknown), on which, +here and there only, separated by the gross darkness of its unexplored +tracts, some few among the millions of keys, keys of tenderness, of +passion, of courage, of serenity, which compose it, each one differing +from all the rest as one universe differs from another, have been +discovered by certain great artists who do us the service, when they +awaken in us the emotion corresponding to the theme which they have +found, of shewing us what richness, what variety lies hidden, unknown to +us, in that great black impenetrable night, discouraging exploration, +of our soul, which we have been content to regard as valueless and +waste and void. Vinteuil had been one of those musicians. In his little +phrase, albeit it presented to the mind's eye a clouded surface, there +was contained, one felt, a matter so consistent, so explicit, to which +the phrase gave so new, so original a force, that those who had once +heard it preserved the memory of it in the treasure-chamber of +their minds. Swann would repair to it as to a conception of love and +happiness, of which at once he knew as well in what respects it was +peculiar as he would know of the _Princesse de Clèves_, or of _René_, +should either of those titles occur to him. Even when he was not +thinking of the little phrase, it existed, latent, in his mind, in the +same way as certain other conceptions without material equivalent, such +as our notions of light, of sound, of perspective, of bodily desire, the +rich possessions wherewith our inner temple is diversified and adorned. +Perhaps we shall lose them, perhaps they will be obliterated, if we +return to nothing in the dust. But so long as we are alive, we can no +more bring ourselves to a state in which we shall not have known +them than we can with regard to any material object, than we can, for +example, doubt the luminosity of a lamp that has just been lighted, in +view of the changed aspect of everything in the room, from which has +vanished even the memory of the darkness. In that way Vinteuil's phrase, +like some theme, say, in _Tristan_, which represents to us also a +certain acquisition of sentiment, has espoused our mortal state, had +endued a vesture of humanity that was affecting enough. Its destiny was +linked, for the future, with that of the human soul, of which it was one +of the special, the most distinctive ornaments. Perhaps it is not-being +that is the true state, and all our dream of life is without existence; +but, if so, we feel that it must be that these phrases of music, these +conceptions which exist in relation to our dream, are nothing either. +We shall perish, but we have for our hostages these divine captives who +shall follow and share our fate. And death in their company is something +less bitter, less inglorious, perhaps even less certain. + +So Swann was not mistaken in believing that the phrase of the sonata +did, really, exist. Human as it was from this point of view, it +belonged, none the less, to an order of supernatural creatures whom we +have never seen, but whom, in spite of that, we recognise and acclaim +with rapture when some explorer of the unseen contrives to coax one +forth, to bring it down from that divine world to which he has access +to shine for a brief moment in the firmament of ours. This was what +Vinteuil had done for the little phrase. Swann felt that the composer +had been content (with the musical instruments at his disposal) to +draw aside its veil, to make it visible, following and respecting its +outlines with a hand so loving, so prudent, so delicate and so sure, +that the sound altered at every moment, blunting itself to indicate a +shadow, springing back into life when it must follow the curve of some +more bold projection. And one proof that Swann was not mistaken when he +believed in the real existence of this phrase, was that anyone with an +ear at all delicate for music would at once have detected the imposture +had Vinteuil, endowed with less power to see and to render its forms, +sought to dissemble (by adding a line, here and there, of his own +invention) the dimness of his vision or the feebleness of his hand. + +The phrase had disappeared. Swann knew that it would come again at the +end of the last movement, after a long passage which Mme. Verdurin's +pianist always 'skipped.' There were in this passage some admirable +ideas which Swann had not distinguished on first hearing the sonata, and +which he now perceived, as if they had, in the cloakroom of his memory, +divested themselves of their uniform disguise of novelty. Swann listened +to all the scattered themes which entered into the composition of +the phrase, as its premises enter into the inevitable conclusion of a +syllogism; he was assisting at the mystery of its birth. "Audacity," +he exclaimed to himself, "as inspired, perhaps, as a Lavoisier's or an +Ampere's, the audacity of a Vinteuil making experiment, discovering +the secret laws that govern an unknown force, driving across a region +unexplored towards the one possible goal the invisible team in which he +has placed his trust and which he never may discern!" How charming +the dialogue which Swann now heard between piano and violin, at the +beginning of the last passage. The suppression of human speech, so far +from letting fancy reign there uncontrolled (as one might have thought), +had eliminated it altogether. Never was spoken language of such +inflexible necessity, never had it known questions so pertinent, such +obvious replies. At first the piano complained alone, like a bird +deserted by its mate; the violin heard and answered it, as from a +neighbouring tree. It was as at the first beginning of the world, as +if there were not yet but these twain upon the earth, or rather in this +world closed against all the rest, so fashioned by the logic of its +creator that in it there should never be any but themselves; the world +of this sonata. Was it a bird, was it the soul, not yet made perfect, of +the little phrase, was it a fairy, invisibly somewhere lamenting, whose +plaint the piano heard and tenderly repeated? Its cries were so sudden +that the violinist must snatch up his bow and race to catch them as they +came. Marvellous bird! The violinist seemed to wish to charm, to tame, +to woo, to win it. Already it had passed into his soul, already the +little phrase which it evoked shook like a medium's the body of the +violinist, 'possessed' indeed. Swann knew that the phrase was going to +speak to him once again. And his personality was now so divided that +the strain of waiting for the imminent moment when he would find himself +face to face, once more, with the phrase, convulsed him in one of those +sobs which a fine line of poetry or a piece of alarming news will wring +from us, not when we are alone, but when we repeat one or the other to +a friend, in whom we see ourselves reflected, like a third person, whose +probable emotion softens him. It reappeared, but this time to remain +poised in the air, and to sport there for a moment only, as though +immobile, and shortly to expire. And so Swann lost nothing of the +precious time for which it lingered. It was still there, like an +iridescent bubble that floats for a while unbroken. As a rainbow, when +its brightness fades, seems to subside, then soars again and, before it +is extinguished, is glorified with greater splendour than it has ever +shewn; so to the two colours which the phrase had hitherto allowed to +appear it added others now, chords shot with every hue in the prism, and +made them sing. Swann dared not move, and would have liked to compel all +the other people in the room to remain still also, as if the slightest +movement might embarrass the magic presence, supernatural, delicious, +frail, that would so easily vanish. But no one, as it happened, dreamed +of speaking. The ineffable utterance of one solitary man, absent, +perhaps dead (Swann did not know whether Vinteuil were still alive), +breathed out above the rites of those two hierophants, sufficed to +arrest the attention of three hundred minds, and made of that stage on +which a soul was thus called into being one of the noblest altars on +which a supernatural ceremony could be performed. It followed that, when +the phrase at last was finished, and only its fragmentary echoes floated +among the subsequent themes which had already taken its place, if Swann +at first was annoyed to see the Comtesse de Monteriender, famed for her +imbecilities, lean over towards him to confide in him her impressions, +before even the sonata had come to an end; he could not refrain from +smiling, and perhaps also found an underlying sense, which she was +incapable of perceiving, in the words that she used. Dazzled by the +virtuosity of the performers, the Comtesse exclaimed to Swann: "It's +astonishing! I have never seen anything to beat it..." But a scrupulous +regard for accuracy making her correct her first assertion, she added +the reservation: "anything to beat it... since the table-turning!" + +From that evening, Swann understood that the feeling which Odette had +once had for him would never revive, that his hopes of happiness would +not be realised now. And the days on which, by a lucky chance, she had +once more shewn herself kind and loving to him, or if she had paid him +any attention, he recorded those apparent and misleading signs of +a slight movement on her part towards him with the same tender and +sceptical solicitude, the desperate joy that people reveal who, when +they are nursing a friend in the last days of an incurable malady, +relate, as significant facts of infinite value: "Yesterday he went +through his accounts himself, and actually corrected a mistake that we +had made in adding them up; he ate an egg to-day and seemed quite to +enjoy it, if he digests it properly we shall try him with a cutlet +to-morrow,"--although they themselves know that these things are +meaningless on the eve of an inevitable death. No doubt Swann was +assured that if he had now been living at a distance from Odette he +would gradually have lost all interest in her, so that he would have +been glad to learn that she was leaving Paris for ever; he would have +had the courage to remain there; but he had not the courage to go. + +He had often thought of going. Now that he was once again at work upon +his essay on Vermeer, he wanted to return, for a few days at least, to +The Hague, to Dresden, to Brunswick. He was certain that a 'Toilet of +Diana' which had been acquired by the Mauritshuis at the Goldschmidt +sale as a Nicholas Maes was in reality a Vermeer. And he would have +liked to be able to examine the picture on the spot, so as to strengthen +his conviction. But to leave Paris while Odette was there, and even when +she was not there--for in strange places where our sensations have not +been numbed by habit, we refresh, we revive an old pain--was for him so +cruel a project that he felt himself to be capable of entertaining it +incessantly in his mind only because he knew himself to be resolute in +his determination never to put it into effect. But it would happen +that, while he was asleep, the intention to travel would reawaken in him +(without his remembering that this particular tour was impossible) and +would be realised. One night he dreamed that he was going away for a +year; leaning from the window of the train towards a young man on the +platform who wept as he bade him farewell, he was seeking to persuade +this young man to come away also. The train began to move; he awoke +in alarm, and remembered that he was not going away, that he would see +Odette that evening, and next day and almost every day. And then, being +still deeply moved by his dream, he would thank heaven for those special +circumstances which made him independent, thanks to which he could +remain in Odette's vicinity, and could even succeed in making her allow +him to see her sometimes; and, counting over the list of his advantages: +his social position--his fortune, from which she stood too often in +need of assistance not to shrink from the prospect of a definite rupture +(having even, so people said, an ulterior plan of getting him to marry +her)--his friendship with M. de Charlus, which, it must be confessed, +had never won him any very great favour from Odette, but which gave him +the pleasant feeling that she was always hearing complimentary things +said about him by this common friend for whom she had so great an +esteem--and even his own intelligence, the whole of which he employed in +weaving, every day, a fresh plot which would make his presence, if not +agreeable, at any rate necessary to Odette--he thought of what might +have happened to him if all these advantages had been lacking, he +thought that, if he had been, like so many other men, poor and humble, +without resources, forced to undertake any task that might be offered to +him, or tied down by parents or by a wife, he might have been obliged +to part from Odette, that that dream, the terror of which was still so +recent, might well have been true; and he said to himself: "People don't +know when they are happy. They're never so unhappy as they think they +are." But he reflected that this existence had lasted already for +several years, that all that he could now hope for was that it should +last for ever, that he would sacrifice his work, his pleasures, his +friends, in fact the whole of his life to the daily expectation of a +meeting which, when it occurred, would bring him no happiness; and he +asked himself whether he was not mistaken, whether the circumstances +that had favoured their relations and had prevented a final rupture had +not done a disservice to his career, whether the outcome to be +desired was not that as to which he rejoiced that it happened only in +dreams--his own departure; and he said to himself that people did not +know when they were unhappy, that they were never so happy as they +supposed. + +Sometimes he hoped that she would die, painlessly, in some accident, she +who was out of doors in the streets, crossing busy thoroughfares, +from morning to night. And as she always returned safe and sound, he +marvelled at the strength, at the suppleness of the human body, which +was able continually to hold in check, to outwit all the perils that +environed it (which to Swann seemed innumerable, since his own secret +desire had strewn them in her path), and so allowed its occupant, the +soul, to abandon itself, day after day, and almost with impunity, to its +career of mendacity, to the pursuit of pleasure. And Swann felt a very +cordial sympathy with that Mahomet II whose portrait by Bellini he +admired, who, on finding that he had fallen madly in love with one of +his wives, stabbed her, in order, as his Venetian biographer artlessly +relates, to recover his spiritual freedom. Then he would be ashamed +of thinking thus only of himself, and his own sufferings would seem to +deserve no pity now that he himself was disposing so cheaply of Odette's +very life. + +Since he was unable to separate himself from her without a subsequent +return, if at least he had seen her continuously and without separations +his grief would ultimately have been assuaged, and his love would, +perhaps, have died. And from the moment when she did not wish to leave +Paris for ever he had hoped that she would never go. As he knew that her +one prolonged absence, every year, was in August and September, he had +abundant opportunity, several months in advance, to dissociate from it +the grim picture of her absence throughout Eternity which was lodged in +him by anticipation, and which, consisting of days closely akin to the +days through which he was then passing, floated in a cold transparency +in his mind, which it saddened and depressed, though without causing him +any intolerable pain. But that conception of the future, that flowing +stream, colourless and unconfined, a single word from Odette sufficed +to penetrate through all Swann's defences, and like a block of ice +immobilised it, congealed its fluidity, made it freeze altogether; and +Swann felt himself suddenly filled with an enormous and unbreakable mass +which pressed on the inner walls of his consciousness until he was fain +to burst asunder; for Odette had said casually, watching him with a +malicious smile: "Forcheville is going for a fine trip at Whitsuntide. +He's going to Egypt!" and Swann had at once understood that this meant: +"I am going to Egypt at Whitsuntide with Forcheville." And, in fact, +if, a few days later, Swann began: "About that trip that you told me you +were going to take with Forcheville," she would answer carelessly: "Yes, +my dear boy, we're starting on the 19th; we'll send you a 'view' of the +Pyramids." Then he was determined to know whether she was Forcheville's +mistress, to ask her point-blank, to insist upon her telling him. He +knew that there were some perjuries which, being so superstitious, she +would not commit, and besides, the fear, which had hitherto restrained +his curiosity, of making Odette angry if he questioned her, of making +himself odious, had ceased to exist now that he had lost all hope of +ever being loved by her. + +One day he received an anonymous letter which told him that Odette had +been the mistress of countless men (several of whom it named, among +them Forcheville, M. de Bréauté and the painter) and women, and that she +frequented houses of ill-fame. He was tormented by the discovery that +there was to be numbered among his friends a creature capable of +sending him such a letter (for certain details betrayed in the writer a +familiarity with his private life). He wondered who it could be. But he +had never had any suspicion with regard to the unknown actions of other +people, those which had no visible connection with what they said. +And when he wanted to know whether it was rather beneath the apparent +character of M. de Charlus, or of M. des Laumes, or of M. d'Orsan that +he must place the untravelled region in which this ignoble action might +have had its birth; as none of these men had ever, in conversation +with Swann, suggested that he approved of anonymous letters, and as +everything that they had ever said to him implied that they strongly +disapproved, he saw no further reason for associating this infamy with +the character of any one of them more than with the rest. M. de Charlus +was somewhat inclined to eccentricity, but he was fundamentally good and +kind; M. des Laumes was a trifle dry, but wholesome and straight. As for +M. d'Orsan, Swann had never met anyone who, even in the most depressing +circumstances, would come to him with a more heartfelt utterance, would +act more properly or with more discretion. So much so that he was unable +to understand the rather indelicate part commonly attributed to M. +d'Orsan in his relations with a certain wealthy woman, and that whenever +he thought of him he was obliged to set that evil reputation on one +side, as irreconcilable with so many unmistakable proofs of his genuine +sincerity and refinement. For a moment Swann felt that his mind was +becoming clouded, and he thought of something else so as to recover +a little light; until he had the courage to return to those other +reflections. But then, after not having been able to suspect anyone, he +was forced to suspect everyone that he knew. After all, M. de Charlus +might be most fond of him, might be most good-natured; but he was a +neuropath; to-morrow, perhaps, he would burst into tears on hearing that +Swann was ill; and to-day, from jealousy, or in anger, or carried away +by some sudden idea, he might have wished to do him a deliberate injury. +Really, that kind of man was the worst of all. The Prince des Laumes +was, certainly, far less devoted to Swann than was M. de Charlus. But +for that very reason he had not the same susceptibility with regard to +him; and besides, his was a nature which, though, no doubt, it was cold, +was as incapable of a base as of a magnanimous action. Swann regretted +that he had formed no attachments in his life except to such people. +Then he reflected that what prevents men from doing harm to their +neighbours is fellow-feeling, that he could not, in the last resort, +answer for any but men whose natures were analogous to his own, as was, +so far as the heart went, that of M. de Charlus. The mere thought of +causing Swann so much distress would have been revolting to him. But +with a man who was insensible, of another order of humanity, as was the +Prince des Laumes, how was one to foresee the actions to which he might +be led by the promptings of a different nature? To have a good heart was +everything, and M. de Charlus had one. But M. d'Orsan was not lacking +in that either, and his relations with Swann--cordial, but scarcely +intimate, arising from the pleasure which, as they held the same views +about everything, they found in talking together--were more quiescent +than the enthusiastic affection of M. de Charlus, who was apt to be +led into passionate activity, good or evil. If there was anyone by +whom Swann felt that he had always been understood, and (with delicacy) +loved, it was M. d'Orsan. Yes, but the life he led; it could hardly be +called honourable. Swann regretted that he had never taken any notice +of those rumours, that he himself had admitted, jestingly, that he had +never felt so keen a sense of sympathy, or of respect, as when he was +in thoroughly 'detrimental' society. "It is not for nothing," he now +assured himself, "that when people pass judgment upon their neighbour, +their finding is based upon his actions. It is those alone that are +significant, and not at all what we say or what we think. Charlus and +des Laumes may have this or that fault, but they are men of honour. +Orsan, perhaps, has not the same faults, but he is not a man of honour. +He may have acted dishonourably once again." Then he suspected Rémi, +who, it was true, could only have inspired the letter, but he now felt +himself, for a moment, to be on the right track. To begin with, Loredan +had his own reasons for wishing harm to Odette. And then, how were we +not to suppose that our servants, living in a situation inferior to our +own, adding to our fortunes and to our frailties imaginary riches and +vices for which they at once envied and despised us, should not find +themselves led by fate to act in a manner abhorrent to people of our own +class? He also suspected my grandfather. On every occasion when Swann +had asked him to do him any service, had he not invariably declined? +Besides, with his ideas of middle-class respectability, he might have +thought that he was acting for Swann's good. He suspected, in turn, +Bergotte, the painter, the Verdurins; paused for a moment to admire +once again the wisdom of people in society, who refused to mix in the +artistic circles in which such things were possible, were, perhaps, even +openly avowed, as excellent jokes; but then he recalled the marks of +honesty that were to be observed in those Bohemians, and contrasted them +with the life of expedients, often bordering on fraudulence, to which +the want of money, the craving for luxury, the corrupting influence of +their pleasures often drove members of the aristocracy. In a word, this +anonymous letter proved that he himself knew a human being capable of +the most infamous conduct, but he could see no reason why that infamy +should lurk in the depths--which no strange eye might explore--of +the warm heart rather than the cold, the artist's rather than the +business-man's, the noble's rather than the flunkey's. What criterion +ought one to adopt, in order to judge one's fellows? After all, there +was not a single one of the people whom he knew who might not, in +certain circumstances, prove capable of a shameful action. Must he then +cease to see them all? His mind grew clouded; he passed his hands two +or three times across his brow, wiped his glasses with his handkerchief, +and remembering that, after all, men who were as good as himself +frequented the society of M. de Charlus, the Prince des Laumes and +the rest, he persuaded himself that this meant, if not that they were +incapable of shameful actions, at least that it was a necessity in human +life, to which everyone must submit, to frequent the society of people +who were, perhaps, not incapable of such actions. And he continued to +shake hands with all the friends whom he had suspected, with the purely +formal reservation that each one of them had, possibly, been seeking to +drive him to despair. As for the actual contents of the letter, they +did not disturb him; for in not one of the charges which it formulated +against Odette could he see the least vestige of fact. Like many other +men, Swann had a naturally lazy mind, and was slow in invention. He knew +quite well as a general truth, that human life is full of contrasts, but +in the case of any one human being he imagined all that part of his or +her life with which he was not familiar as being identical with the +part with which he was. He imagined what was kept secret from him in the +light of what was revealed. At such times as he spent with Odette, +if their conversation turned upon an indelicate act committed, or +an indelicate sentiment expressed by some third person, she would +ruthlessly condemn the culprit by virtue of the same moral principles +which Swann had always heard expressed by his own parents, and to which +he himself had remained loyal; and then, she would arrange her flowers, +would sip her tea, would shew an interest in his work. So Swann extended +those habits to fill the rest of her life, he reconstructed those +actions when he wished to form a picture of the moments in which he and +she were apart. If anyone had portrayed her to him as she was, or rather +as she had been for so long with himself, but had substituted some +other man, he would have been distressed, for such a portrait would have +struck him as lifelike. But to suppose that she went to bad houses, +that she abandoned herself to orgies with other women, that she led +the crapulous existence of the most abject, the most contemptible of +mortals--would be an insane wandering of the mind, for the realisation +of which, thank heaven, the chrysanthemums that he could imagine, the +daily cups of tea, the virtuous indignation left neither time nor +place. Only, now and again, he gave Odette to understand that people +maliciously kept him informed of everything that she did; and making +opportune use of some detail--insignificant but true--which he had +accidentally learned, as though it were the sole fragment which he would +allow, in spite of himself, to pass his lips, out of the numberless +other fragments of that complete reconstruction of her daily life which +he carried secretly in his mind, he led her to suppose that he was +perfectly informed upon matters, which, in reality, he neither knew nor +suspected, for if he often adjured Odette never to swerve from or make +alteration of the truth, that was only, whether he realised it or no, in +order that Odette should tell him everything that she did. No doubt, as +he used to assure Odette, he loved sincerity, but only as he might +love a pander who could keep him in touch with the daily life of his +mistress. Moreover, his love of sincerity, not being disinterested, had +not improved his character. The truth which he cherished was that which +Odette would tell him; but he himself, in order to extract that truth +from her, was not afraid to have recourse to falsehood, that very +falsehood which he never ceased to depict to Odette as leading every +human creature down to utter degradation. In a word, he lied as much +as did Odette, because, while more unhappy than she, he was no less +egotistical. And she, when she heard him repeating thus to her the +things that she had done, would stare at him with a look of distrust +and, at all hazards, of indignation, so as not to appear to be +humiliated, and to be blushing for her actions. One day, after the +longest period of calm through which he had yet been able to exist +without being overtaken by an attack of jealousy, he had accepted an +invitation to spend the evening at the theatre with the Princesse des +Laumes. Having opened his newspaper to find out what was being +played, the sight of the title--_Les Filles de Marbre_, by Théodore +Barrière,--struck him so cruel a blow that he recoiled instinctively +from it and turned his head away. Illuminated, as though by a row of +footlights, in the new surroundings in which it now appeared, that word +'marble,' which he had lost the power to distinguish, so often had it +passed, in print, beneath his eyes, had suddenly become visible once +again, and had at once brought back to his mind the story which Odette +had told him, long ago, of a visit which she had paid to the Salon at +the Palais d'Industrie with Mme. Verdurin, who had said to her, "Take +care, now! I know how to melt you, all right. You're not made of +marble." Odette had assured him that it was only a joke, and he had +not attached any importance to it at the time. But he had had more +confidence in her then than he had now. And the anonymous letter +referred explicitly to relations of that sort. Without daring to lift +his eyes to the newspaper, he opened it, turned the page so as not to +see again the words, _Filles de Marbre_, and began to read mechanically +the news from the provinces. There had been a storm in the Channel, +and damage was reported from Dieppe, Cabourg, Beuzeval.... Suddenly he +recoiled again in horror. + +The name of Beuzeval had suggested to him that of another place in the +same district, Beuzeville, which carried also, bound to it by a hyphen, +a second name, to wit Bréauté, which he had often seen on maps, but +without ever previously remarking that it was the same name as that +borne by his friend M. de Bréauté, whom the anonymous letter accused of +having been Odette's lover. After all, when it came to M. de Bréauté, +there was nothing improbable in the charge; but so far as Mme. Verdurin +was concerned, it was a sheer impossibility. From the fact that Odette +did occasionally tell a lie, it was not fair to conclude that she never, +by any chance, told the truth, and in these bantering conversations +with Mme. Verdurin which she herself had repeated to Swann, he could +recognize those meaningless and dangerous pleasantries which, in their +inexperience of life and ignorance of vice, women often utter (thereby +certifying their own innocence), who--as, for instance, Odette,--would +be the last people in the world to feel any undue affection for one +another. Whereas, on the other hand, the indignation with which she +had scattered the suspicions which she had unintentionally brought into +being, for a moment, in his mind by her story, fitted in with everything +that he knew of the tastes, the temperament of his mistress. But at +that moment, by an inspiration of jealousy, analogous to the inspiration +which reveals to a poet or a philosopher, who has nothing, so far, but +an odd pair of rhymes or a detached observation, the idea or the natural +law which will give power, mastery to his work, Swann recalled for the +first time a remark which Odette had made to him, at least two years +before: "Oh, Mme. Verdurin, she won't hear of anything just now but me. +I'm a 'love,' if you please, and she kisses me, and wants me to go with +her everywhere, and call her by her Christian name." So far from seeing +in these expressions any connection with the absurd insinuations, +intended to create an atmosphere of vice, which Odette had since +repeated to him, he had welcomed them as a proof of Mme. Verdurin's +warm-hearted and generous friendship. But now this old memory of her +affection for Odette had coalesced suddenly with his more recent memory +of her unseemly conversation. He could no longer separate them in his +mind, and he saw them blended in reality, the affection imparting a +certain seriousness and importance to the pleasantries which, in return, +spoiled the affection of its innocence. He went to see Odette. He sat +down, keeping at a distance from her. He did not dare to embrace her, +not knowing whether in her, in himself, it would be affection or anger +that a kiss would provoke. He sat there silent, watching their love +expire. Suddenly he made up his mind. + +"Odette, my darling," he began, "I know, I am being simply odious, but I +must ask you a few questions. You remember what I once thought about you +and Mme. Verdurin? Tell me, was it true? Have you, with her or anyone +else, ever?" + +She shook her head, pursing her lips together; a sign which people +commonly employ to signify that they are not going, because it would +bore them to go, when some one has asked, "Are you coming to watch the +procession go by?", or "Will you be at the review?". But this shake of +the head, which is thus commonly used to decline participation in +an event that has yet to come, imparts for that reason an element of +uncertainty to the denial of participation in an event that is past. +Furthermore, it suggests reasons of personal convenience, rather than +any definite repudiation, any moral impossibility. When he saw Odette +thus make him a sign that the insinuation was false, he realised that it +was quite possibly true. + +"I have told you, I never did; you know quite well," she added, seeming +angry and uncomfortable. + +"Yes, I know all that; but are you quite sure? Don't say to me, 'You +know quite well'; say, 'I have never done anything of that sort with any +woman.'" + +She repeated his words like a lesson learned by rote, and as though she +hoped, thereby, to be rid of him: "I have never done anything of that +sort with any woman." + +"Can you swear it to me on your Laghetto medal?" + +Swann knew that Odette would never perjure herself on that. + +"Oh, you do make me so miserable," she cried, with a jerk of her body +as though to shake herself free of the constraint of his question. "Have +you nearly done? What is the matter with you to-day? You seem to have +made up your mind that I am to be forced to hate you, to curse you! +Look, I was anxious to be friends with you again, for us to have a nice +time together, like the old days; and this is all the thanks I get!" + +However, he would not let her go, but sat there like a surgeon who waits +for a spasm to subside that has interrupted his operation but need not +make him abandon it. + +"You are quite wrong in supposing that I bear you the least ill-will in +the world, Odette," he began with a persuasive and deceitful gentleness. +"I never speak to you except of what I already know, and I always know a +great deal more than I say. But you alone can mollify by your confession +what makes me hate you so long as it has been reported to me only by +other people. My anger with you is never due to your actions--I can +and do forgive you everything because I love you--but to your +untruthfulness, the ridiculous untruthfulness which makes you persist in +denying things which I know to be true. How can you expect that I shall +continue to love you, when I see you maintain, when I hear you swear to +me a thing which I know to be false? Odette, do not prolong this moment +which is torturing us both. If you are willing to end it at once, you +shall be free of it for ever. Tell me, upon your medal, yes or no, +whether you have ever done those things." + +"How on earth can I tell?" she was furious. "Perhaps I have, ever so +long ago, when I didn't know what I was doing, perhaps two or three +times." + +Swann had prepared himself for all possibilities. Reality must, +therefore, be something which bears no relation to possibilities, +any more than the stab of a knife in one's body bears to the gradual +movement of the clouds overhead, since those words "two or three times" +carved, as it were, a cross upon the living tissues of his heart. A +strange thing, indeed, that those words, "two or three times," nothing +more than a few words, words uttered in the air, at a distance, could so +lacerate a man's heart, as if they had actually pierced it, could sicken +a man, like a poison that he had drunk. Instinctively Swann thought of +the remark that he had heard at Mme. de Saint-Euverte's: "I have never +seen anything to beat it since the table-turning." The agony that he now +suffered in no way resembled what he had supposed. Not only because, in +the hours when he most entirely mistrusted her, he had rarely imagined +such a culmination of evil, but because, even when he did imagine that +offence, it remained vague, uncertain, was not clothed in the particular +horror which had escaped with the words "perhaps two or three times," +was not armed with that specific cruelty, as different from anything +that he had known as a new malady by which one is attacked for the first +time. And yet this Odette, from whom all this evil sprang, was no less +dear to him, was, on the contrary, more precious, as if, in proportion +as his sufferings increased, there increased at the same time the price +of the sedative, of the antidote which this woman alone possessed. He +wished to pay her more attention, as one attends to a disease which +one discovers, suddenly, to have grown more serious. He wished that +the horrible thing which, she had told him, she had done "two or three +times" might be prevented from occurring again. To ensure that, he must +watch over Odette. People often say that, by pointing out to a man the +faults of his mistress, you succeed only in strengthening his attachment +to her, because he does not believe you; yet how much more so if he +does! But, Swann asked himself, how could he manage to protect her? He +might perhaps be able to preserve her from the contamination of any +one woman, but there were hundreds of other women; and he realised how +insane had been his ambition when he had begun (on the evening when +he had failed to find Odette at the Verdurins') to desire the +possession--as if that were ever possible--of another person. Happily +for Swann, beneath the mass of suffering which had invaded his soul like +a conquering horde of barbarians, there lay a natural foundation, older, +more placid, and silently laborious, like the cells of an injured organ +which at once set to work to repair the damaged tissues, or the muscles +of a paralysed limb which tend to recover their former movements. These +older, these autochthonous in-dwellers in his soul absorbed all Swann's +strength, for a while, in that obscure task of reparation which gives +one an illusory sense of repose during convalescence, or after an +operation. This time it was not so much--as it ordinarily was--in +Swann's brain that the slackening of tension due to exhaustion took +effect, it was rather in his heart. But all the things in life that have +once existed tend to recur, and, like a dying animal that is once more +stirred by the throes of a convulsion which was, apparently, ended, upon +Swann's heart, spared for a moment only, the same agony returned of its +own accord to trace the same cross again. He remembered those moonlit +evenings, when, leaning back in the victoria that was taking him to +the Rue La Pérouse, he would cultivate with voluptuous enjoyment the +emotions of a man in love, ignorant of the poisoned fruit that such +emotions must inevitably bear. But all those thoughts lasted for no more +than a second, the time that it took him to raise his hand to his heart, +to draw breath again and to contrive to smile, so as to dissemble +his torment. Already he had begun to put further questions. For his +jealousy, which had taken an amount of trouble, such as no enemy would +have incurred, to strike him this mortal blow, to make him forcibly +acquainted with the most cruel pain that he had ever known, his jealousy +was not satisfied that he had yet suffered enough, and sought to expose +his bosom to an even deeper wound. Like an evil deity, his jealousy was +inspiring Swann, was thrusting him on towards destruction. It was not +his fault, but Odette's alone, if at first his punishment was not more +severe. + +"My darling," he began again, "it's all over now; was it with anyone I +know?" + +"No, I swear it wasn't; besides, I think I exaggerated, I never really +went as far as that." + +He smiled, and resumed with: "Just as you like. It doesn't really +matter, but it's unfortunate that you can't give me any name. If I were +able to form an idea of the person that would prevent my ever thinking +of her again. I say it for your own sake, because then I shouldn't +bother you any more about it. It's so soothing to be able to form a +clear picture of things in one's mind. What is really terrible is what +one cannot imagine. But you've been so sweet to me; I don't want to tire +you. I do thank you, with all my heart, for all the good that you have +done me. I've quite finished now. Only one word more: how many times?" + +"Oh, Charles! can't you see, you're killing me? It's all ever so long +ago. I've never given it a thought. Anyone would say that you were +positively trying to put those ideas into my head again. And then you'd +be a lot better off!" she concluded, with unconscious stupidity but with +intentional malice. + +"I only wished to know whether it had been since I knew you. It's only +natural. Did it happen here, ever? You can't give me any particular +evening, so that I can remind myself what I was doing at the time? You +understand, surely, that it's not possible that you don't remember with +whom, Odette, my love." + +"But I don't know; really, I don't. I think it was in the Bois, one +evening when you came to meet us on the Island. You had been dining with +the Princesse des Laumes," she added, happy to be able to furnish him +with an exact detail, which testified to her veracity. "At the next +table there was a woman whom I hadn't seen for ever so long. She said to +me, 'Come along round behind the rock, there, and look at the moonlight +on the water!' At first I just yawned, and said, 'No, I'm too tired, +and I'm quite happy where I am, thank you.' She swore there'd never been +anything like it in the way of moonlight. 'I've heard that tale before,' +I said to her; you see, I knew quite well what she was after." Odette +narrated this episode almost as if it were a joke, either because it +appeared to her to be quite natural, or because she thought that she was +thereby minimising its importance, or else so as not to appear ashamed. +But, catching sight of Swann's face, she changed her tone, and: + +"You are a fiend!" she flung at him, "you enjoy tormenting me, making me +tell you lies, just so that you'll leave me in peace." + +This second blow struck at Swann was even more excruciating than the +first. Never had he supposed it to have been so recent an affair, hidden +from his eyes that had been too innocent to discern it, not in a past +which he had never known, but in evenings which he so well remembered, +which he had lived through with Odette, of which he had supposed himself +to have such an intimate, such an exhaustive knowledge, and which now +assumed, retrospectively, an aspect of cunning and deceit and cruelty. +In the midst of them parted, suddenly, a gaping chasm, that moment on +the Island in the Bois de Boulogne. Without being intelligent, Odette +had the charm of being natural. She had recounted, she had acted the +little scene with so much simplicity that Swann, as he gasped for +breath, could vividly see it: Odette yawning, the "rock there,"... He +could hear her answer--alas, how lightheartedly--"I've heard that tale +before!" He felt that she would tell him nothing more that evening, that +no further revelation was to be expected for the present. He was silent +for a time, then said to her: + +"My poor darling, you must forgive me; I know, I am hurting you +dreadfully, but it's all over now; I shall never think of it again." + +But she saw that his eyes remained fixed upon the things that he did not +know, and on that past era of their love, monotonous and soothing in his +memory because it was vague, and now rent, as with a sword-wound, by the +news of that minute on the Island in the Bois, by moonlight, while he +was dining with the Princesse des Laumes. But he had so far acquired +the habit of finding life interesting--of marvelling at the strange +discoveries that there were to be made in it--that even while he was +suffering so acutely that he did not believe it possible to endure such +agony for any length of time, he was saying to himself: "Life is indeed +astonishing, and holds some fine surprises; it appears that vice is far +more common than one has been led to believe. Here is a woman in whom +I had absolute confidence, who looks so simple, so honest, who, in any +case, even allowing that her morals are not strict, seemed quite normal +and healthy in her tastes and inclinations. I receive a most improbable +accusation, I question her, and the little that she admits reveals far +more than I could ever have suspected." But he could not confine himself +to these detached observations. He sought to form an exact estimate of +the importance of what she had just told him, so as to know whether he +might conclude that she had done these things often, and was likely to +do them again. He repeated her words to himself: "I knew quite well what +she was after." "Two or three times." "I've heard that tale before." But +they did not reappear in his memory unarmed; each of them held a knife +with which it stabbed him afresh. For a long time, like a sick man +who cannot restrain himself from attempting, every minute, to make the +movement that, he knows, will hurt him, he kept on murmuring to himself: +"I'm quite happy where I am, thank you," "I've heard that tale before," +but the pain was so intense that he was obliged to stop. He was amazed +to find that actions which he had always, hitherto, judged so lightly, +had dismissed, indeed, with a laugh, should have become as serious to +him as a disease which might easily prove fatal. He knew any number +of women whom he could ask to keep an eye on Odette, but how was he to +expect them to adjust themselves to his new point of view, and not to +remain at that which for so long had been his own, which had always +guided him in his voluptuous existence; not to say to him with a smile: +"You jealous monster, wanting to rob other people of their pleasure!" +By what trap-door, suddenly lowered, had he (who had never found, in the +old days, in his love for Odette, any but the most refined of pleasures) +been precipitated into this new circle of hell from which he could not +see how he was ever to escape. Poor Odette! He wished her no harm. She +was but half to blame. Had he not been told that it was her own mother +who had sold her, when she was still little more than a child, at Nice, +to a wealthy Englishman? But what an agonising truth was now contained +for him in those lines of Alfred de Vigny's _Journal d'un Poète_ which +he had previously read without emotion: "When one feels oneself smitten +by love for a woman, one ought to say to oneself, 'What are 'her +surroundings? What has been her life?' All one's future happiness lies +in the answer." Swann was astonished that such simple phrases, spelt +over in his mind as, "I've heard that tale before," or "I knew quite +well what she was after," could cause him so much pain. But he realised +that what he had mistaken for simple phrases were indeed parts of the +panoply which held and could inflict on him the anguish that he had felt +while Odette was telling her story. For it was the same anguish that he +now was feeling afresh. It was no good, his knowing now,--indeed, it +was no good, as time went on, his having partly forgotten and altogether +forgiven the offence--whenever he repeated her words his old anguish +refashioned him as he had been before Odette began to speak: ignorant, +trustful; his merciless jealousy placed him once again, so that he might +be effectively wounded by Odette's admission, in the position of a man +who does not yet know the truth; and after several months this old story +would still dumbfounder him, like a sudden revelation. He marvelled +at the terrible recreative power of his memory. It was only by the +weakening of that generative force, whose fecundity diminishes as age +creeps over one, that he could hope for a relaxation of his torments. +But, as soon as the power that any one of Odette's sentences had to make +Swann suffer seemed to be nearly exhausted, lo and behold another, one +of those to which he had hitherto paid least attention, almost a +new sentence, came to relieve the first, and to strike at him with +undiminished force. The memory of the evening on which he had dined with +the Princesse des Laumes was painful to him, but it was no more than +the centre, the core of his pain. That radiated vaguely round about it, +overflowing into all the preceding and following days. And on whatever +point in it he might intend his memory to rest, it was the whole of that +season, during which the Verdurins had so often gone to dine upon the +Island in the Bois, that sprang back to hurt him. So violently, that by +slow degrees the curiosity which his jealousy was ever exciting in him +was neutralised by his fear of the fresh tortures which he would be +inflicting upon himself were he to satisfy it. He recognised that all +the period of Odette's life which had elapsed before she first met him, +a period of which he had never sought to form any picture in his mind, +was not the featureless abstraction which he could vaguely see, but had +consisted of so many definite, dated years, each crowded with concrete +incidents. But were he to learn more of them, he feared lest her past, +now colourless, fluid and supportable, might assume a tangible, an +obscene form, with individual and diabolical features. And he continued +to refrain from seeking a conception of it, not any longer now from +laziness of mind, but from fear of suffering. He hoped that, some day, +he might be able to hear the Island in the Bois, or the Princesse des +Laumes mentioned without feeling any twinge of that old rending pain; +meanwhile he thought it imprudent to provoke Odette into furnishing him +with fresh sentences, with the names of more places and people and of +different events, which, when his malady was still scarcely healed, +would make it break out again in another form. + +But, often enough, the things that he did not know, that he dreaded, +now, to learn, it was Odette herself who, spontaneously and without +thought of what she did, revealed them to him; for the gap which her +vices made between her actual life and the comparatively innocent life +which Swann had believed, and often still believed his mistress to lead, +was far wider than she knew. A vicious person, always affecting the same +air of virtue before people whom he is anxious to keep from having any +suspicion of his vices, has no register, no gauge at hand from which +he may ascertain how far those vices (their continuous growth being +imperceptible by himself) have gradually segregated him from the normal +ways of life. In the course of their cohabitation, in Odette's mind, +with the memory of those of her actions which she concealed from Swann, +her other, her innocuous actions were gradually coloured, infected +by these, without her being able to detect anything strange in them, +without their causing any explosion in the particular region of herself +in which she made them live, but when she related them to Swann, he was +overwhelmed by the revelation of the duplicity to which they pointed. +One day, he was trying--without hurting Odette--to discover from her +whether she had ever had any dealings with procuresses. He was, as a +matter of fact, convinced that she had not; the anonymous letter had +put the idea into his mind, but in a purely mechanical way; it had been +received there with no credulity, but it had, for all that, remained +there, and Swann, wishing to be rid of the burden--a dead weight, but +none the less disturbing--of this suspicion, hoped that Odette would now +extirpate it for ever. + +"Oh dear, no! Not that they don't simply persecute me to go to them," +her smile revealed a gratified vanity which she no longer saw that it +was impossible should appear legitimate to Swann. "There was one of them +waited more than two hours for me yesterday, said she would give me any +money I asked. It seems, there's an Ambassador who said to her, 'I'll +kill myself if you don't bring her to me'--meaning me! They told her I'd +gone out, but she waited and waited, and in the end I had to go myself +and speak to her, before she'd go away. I do wish you could have seen +the way I tackled her; my maid was in the next room, listening, and told +me I shouted fit to bring the house down:--'But when you hear me say +that I don't want to! The idea of such a thing, I don't like it at all! +I should hope I'm still free to do as I please and when I please and +where I please! If I needed the money, I could understand...' The porter +has orders not to let her in again; he will tell her that I am out of +town. Oh, I do wish I could have had you hidden somewhere in the room +while I was talking to her. I know, you'd have been pleased, my dear. +There's some good in your little Odette, you see, after all, though +people do say such dreadful things about her." + +Besides, her very admissions--when she made any--of faults which she +supposed him to have discovered, rather served Swann as a starting-point +for fresh doubts than they put an end to the old. For her admissions +never exactly coincided with his doubts. In vain might Odette expurgate +her confession of all its essential part, there would remain in the +accessories something which Swann had never yet imagined, which crushed +him anew, and was to enable him to alter the terms of the problem of his +jealousy. And these admissions he could never forget. His spirit carried +them along, cast them aside, then cradled them again in its bosom, like +corpses in a river. And they poisoned it. + +She spoke to him once of a visit that Forcheville had paid her on the +day of the Paris-Murcie Fête. "What! you knew him as long ago as that? +Oh, yes, of course you did," he corrected himself, so as not to shew +that he had been ignorant of the fact. And suddenly he began to tremble +at the thought that, on the day of the Paris-Murcie Fête, when he had +received that letter which he had so carefully preserved, she had been +having luncheon, perhaps, with Forcheville at the Maison d'Or. She swore +that she had not. "Still, the Maison d'Or reminds me of something or +other which, I knew at the time, wasn't true," he pursued, hoping to +frighten her. "Yes, that I hadn't been there at all that evening when I +told you I had just come from there, and you had been looking for me +at Prévost's," she replied (judging by his manner that he knew) with a +firmness that was based not so much upon cynicism as upon timidity, a +fear of crossing Swann, which her own self-respect made her anxious to +conceal, and a desire to shew him that she could be perfectly frank if +she chose. And so she struck him with all the sharpness and force of a +headsman wielding his axe, and yet could not be charged with cruelty, +since she was quite unconscious of hurting him; she even began to laugh, +though this may perhaps, it is true, have been chiefly to keep him from +thinking that she was ashamed, at all, or confused. "It's quite true, I +hadn't been to the Maison Dorée. I was coming away from Forcheville's. I +had, really, been to Prévost's--that wasn't a story--and he met me there +and asked me to come in and look at his prints. But some one else came +to see him. I told you that I was coming from the Maison d'Or because I +was afraid you might be angry with me. It was rather nice of me, really, +don't you see? I admit, I did wrong, but at least I'm telling you all +about it now, a'n't I? What have I to gain by not telling you, straight, +that I lunched with him on the day of the Paris-Murcie Fête, if it were +true? Especially as at that time we didn't know one another quite so +well as we do now, did we, dear?" + +He smiled back at her with the sudden, craven weakness of the utterly +spiritless creature which these crushing words had made of him. And so, +even in the months of which he had never dared to think again, because +they had been too happy, in those months when she had loved him, she was +already lying to him! Besides that moment (that first evening on which +they had "done a cattleya") when she had told him that she was coming +from the Maison Dorée, how many others must there have been, each +of them covering a falsehood of which Swann had had no suspicion. He +recalled how she had said to him once: "I need only tell Mme. Verdurin +that my dress wasn't ready, or that my cab came late. There is always +some excuse." From himself too, probably, many times when she had glibly +uttered such words as explain a delay or justify an alteration of the +hour fixed for a meeting, those moments must have hidden, without his +having the least inkling of it at the time, an engagement that she had +had with some other man, some man to whom she had said: "I need only +tell Swann that my dress wasn't ready, or that my cab came late. There +is always some excuse." And beneath all his most pleasant memories, +beneath the simplest words that Odette had ever spoken to him in those +old days, words which he had believed as though they were the words of +a Gospel, beneath her daily actions which she had recounted to him, +beneath the most ordinary places, her dressmaker's flat, the Avenue du +Bois, the Hippodrome, he could feel (dissembled there, by virtue of that +temporal superfluity which, after the most detailed account of how a day +has been spent, always leaves something over, that may serve as a hiding +place for certain unconfessed actions), he could feel the insinuation of +a possible undercurrent of falsehood which debased for him all that +had remained most precious, his happiest evenings, the Rue La Pérouse +itself, which Odette must constantly have been leaving at other hours +than those of which she told him; extending the power of the dark horror +that had gripped him when he had heard her admission with regard to +the Maison Dorée, and, like the obscene creatures in the 'Desolation of +Nineveh,' shattering, stone by stone, the whole edifice of his past.... +If, now, he turned aside whenever his memory repeated the cruel name of +the Maison Dorée it was because that name recalled to him, no longer, +as, such a little time since, at Mme. de Saint-Euverte's party, the good +fortune which he long had lost, but a misfortune of which he was now +first aware. Then it befell the Maison Dorée, as it had befallen the +Island in the Bois, that gradually its name ceased to trouble him. +For what we suppose to be our love, our jealousy are, neither of them, +single, continuous and individual passions. They are composed of an +infinity of successive loves, of different jealousies, each of which is +ephemeral, although by their uninterrupted multitude they give us the +impression of continuity, the illusion of unity. The life of Swann's +love, the fidelity of his jealousy, were formed out of death, of +infidelity, of innumerable desires, innumerable doubts, all of which +had Odette for their object. If he had remained for any length of time +without seeing her, those that died would not have been replaced by +others. But the presence of Odette continued to sow in Swann's heart +alternate seeds of love and suspicion. + +On certain evenings she would suddenly resume towards him a kindness of +which she would warn him sternly that he must take immediate advantage, +under penalty of not seeing it repeated for years to come; he must +instantly accompany her home, to "do a cattleya," and the desire +which she pretended to have for him was so sudden, so inexplicable, so +imperious, the kisses which she lavished on him were so demonstrative +and so unfamiliar, that this brutal and unnatural fondness made Swann +just as unhappy as any lie or unkind action. One evening when he had +thus, in obedience to her command, gone home with her, and while she was +interspersing her kisses with passionate words, in strange contrast to +her habitual coldness, he thought suddenly that he heard a sound; he +rose, searched everywhere and found nobody, but he had not the courage +to return to his place by her side; whereupon she, in a towering +rage, broke a vase, with "I never can do anything right with you, +you impossible person!" And he was left uncertain whether she had not +actually had some man concealed in the room, whose jealousy she had +wished to wound, or else to inflame his senses. + +Sometimes he repaired to 'gay' houses, hoping to learn something about +Odette, although he dared not mention her name. "I have a little thing +here, you're sure to like," the 'manageress' would greet him, and he +would stay for an hour or so, talking dolefully to some poor girl who +sat there astonished that he went no further. One of them, who was still +quite young and attractive, said to him once, "Of course, what I should +like would be to find a real friend, then he might be quite certain, +I should never go with any other men again." "Indeed, do you think it +possible for a woman really to be touched by a man's being in love with +her, and never to be unfaithful to him?" asked Swann anxiously. "Why, +surely! It all depends on their characters!" Swann could not help making +the same remarks to these girls as would have delighted the Princesse +des Laumes. To the one who was in search of a friend he said, with a +smile: "But how nice of you, you've put on blue eyes, to go with +your sash." "And you too, you've got blue cuffs on." "What a charming +conversation we are having, for a place of this sort! I'm not boring +you, am I; or keeping you?" "No, I've nothing to do, thank you. If you +bored me I should say so. But I love hearing you talk." "I am highly +flattered.... Aren't we behaving prettily?" he asked the 'manageress,' +who had just looked in. "Why, yes, that's just what I was saying to +myself, how sensibly they're behaving! But that's how it is! People come +to my house now, just to talk. The Prince was telling me, only the other +day, that he's far more comfortable here than with his wife. It seems +that, nowadays, all the society ladies are like that; a perfect scandal, +I call it. But I'll leave you in peace now, I know when I'm not wanted," +she ended discreetly, and left Swann with the girl who had the blue +eyes. But presently he rose and said good-bye to her. She had ceased to +interest him. She did not know Odette. + +The painter having been ill, Dr. Cottard recommended a sea-voyage; +several of the 'faithful' spoke of accompanying him; the Verdurins +could not face the prospect of being left alone in Paris, so first of +all hired, and finally purchased a yacht; thus Odette was constantly +going on a cruise. Whenever she had been away for any length of time, +Swann would feel that he was beginning to detach himself from her, but, +as though this moral distance were proportionate to the physical +distance between them, whenever he heard that Odette had returned to +Paris, he could not rest without seeing her. Once, when they had gone +away, as everyone thought, for a month only, either they succumbed to a +series of temptations, or else M. Verdurin had cunningly arranged +everything beforehand, to please his wife, and disclosed his plans to +the 'faithful' only as time went on; anyhow, from Algiers they flitted +to Tunis; then to Italy, Greece, Constantinople, Asia Minor. They had +been absent for nearly a year, and Swann felt perfectly at ease and +almost happy. Albeit M. Verdurin had endeavoured to persuade the +pianist and Dr. Cottard that their respective aunt and patients had no +need of them, and that, in any event, it was most rash to allow Mme. +Cottard to return to Paris, where, Mme. Verdurin assured him, a +revolution had just broken out, he was obliged to grant them their +liberty at Constantinople. And the painter came home with them. One +day, shortly after the return of these four travellers, Swann, seeing +an omnibus approach him, labelled 'Luxembourg,' and having some +business there, had jumped on to it and had found himself sitting +opposite Mme. Cottard, who was paying a round of visits to people whose +'day' it was, in full review order, with a plume in her hat, a silk +dress, a muff, an umbrella (which would do for a parasol if the rain +kept off), a card-case, and a pair of white gloves fresh from the +cleaners. Wearing these badges of rank, she would, in fine weather, go +on foot from one house to another in the same neighbourhood, but when +she had to proceed to another district, would make use of a +transfer-ticket on the omnibus. For the first minute or two, until the +natural courtesy of the woman broke through the starched surface of the +doctor's-wife, not being certain, either, whether she ought to mention +the Verdurins before Swann, she produced, quite naturally, in her slow +and awkward, but not unattractive voice, which, every now and then, was +completely drowned by the rattling of the omnibus, topics selected from +those which she had picked up and would repeat in each of the score of +houses up the stairs of which she clambered in the course of an +afternoon. + +"I needn't ask you, M. Swann, whether a man so much in the movement as +yourself has been to the Mirlitons, to see the portrait by Machard that +the whole of Paris is running after. Well, and what do you think of it? +Whose camp are you in, those who bless or those who curse? It's the +same in every house in Paris now, no one will speak of anything else but +Machard's portrait; you aren't smart, you aren't really cultured, you +aren't up-to-date unless you give an opinion on Machard's portrait." + +Swann having replied that he had not seen this portrait, Mme. Cottard +was afraid that she might have hurt his feelings by obliging him to +confess the omission. + +"Oh, that's quite all right! At least you have the courage to be quite +frank about it. You don't consider yourself disgraced because you +haven't seen Machard's portrait. I do think that so nice of you. Well +now, I have seen it; opinion is divided, you know, there are some people +who find it rather laboured, like whipped cream, they say; but I think +it's just ideal. Of course, she's not a bit like the blue and yellow +ladies that our friend Biche paints. That's quite clear. But I must tell +you, perfectly frankly (you'll think me dreadfully old-fashioned, but I +always say just what I think), that I don't understand his work. I can +quite see the good points there are in his portrait of my husband; oh, +dear me, yes; and it's certainly less odd than most of what he does, +but even then he had to give the poor man a blue moustache! But Machard! +Just listen to this now, the husband of my friend, I am on my way to see +at this very moment (which has given me the very great pleasure of your +company), has promised her that, if he is elected to the Academy (he +is one of the Doctor's colleagues), he will get Machard to paint her +portrait. So she's got something to look forward to! I have another +friend who insists that she'd rather have Leloir. I'm only a wretched +Philistine, and I've no doubt Leloir has perhaps more knowledge of +painting even than Machard. But I do think that the most important +thing about a portrait, especially when it's going to cost ten thousand +francs, is that it should be like, and a pleasant likeness, if you know +what I mean." + +Having exhausted this topic, to which she had been inspired by the +loftiness of her plume, the monogram on her card-case, the little number +inked inside each of her gloves by the cleaner, and the difficulty of +speaking to Swann about the Verdurins, Mme. Cottard, seeing that they +had still a long way to go before they would reach the corner of the +Rue Bonaparte, where the conductor was to set her down, listened to the +promptings of her heart, which counselled other words than these. + +"Your ears must have been burning," she ventured, "while we were on the +yacht with Mme. Verdurin. We were talking about you all the time." + +Swann was genuinely astonished, for he supposed that his name was never +uttered in the Verdurins' presence. + +"You see," Mme. Cottard went on, "Mme. de Crécy was there; need I say +more? When Odette is anywhere it's never long before she begins talking +about you. And you know quite well, it isn't nasty things she says. +What! you don't believe me!" she went on, noticing that Svrann looked +sceptical. And, carried away by the sincerity of her conviction, without +putting any evil meaning into the word, which she used purely in the +sense in which one employs it to speak of the affection that unites a +pair of friends: "Why, she _adores_ you! No, indeed; I'm sure it would +never do to say anything against you when she was about; one would soon +be taught one's place! Whatever we might be doing, if we were looking at +a picture, for instance, she would say, 'If only we had him here, he's +the man who could tell us whether it's genuine or not. There's no one +like him for that.' And all day long she would be saying, 'What can +he be doing just now? I do hope, he's doing a little work! It's too +dreadful that a fellow with such gifts as he has should be so lazy.' +(Forgive me, won't you.) 'I can see him this very moment; he's thinking +of us, he's wondering where we are.' Indeed, she used an expression +which I thought very pretty at the time. M. Verdurin asked her, 'How in +the world can you see what he's doing, when he's a thousand miles away?' +And Odette answered, 'Nothing is impossible to the eye of a friend.' + +"No, I assure you, I'm not saying it just to flatter you; you have a +true friend in her, such as one doesn't often find. I can tell you, +besides, in case you don't know it, that you're the only one. Mme. +Verdurin told me as much herself on our last day with them (one talks +more freely, don't you know, before a parting), 'I don't say that Odette +isn't fond of us, but anything that we may say to her counts for very +little beside what Swann might say.' Oh, mercy, there's the conductor +stopping for me; here have I been chatting away to you, and would have +gone right past the Rue Bonaparte, and never noticed... Will you be so +very kind as to tell me whether my plume is straight?" + +And Mme. Cottard withdrew from her muff, to offer it to Swann, a +white-gloved hand from which there floated, with a transfer-ticket, an +atmosphere of fashionable life that pervaded the omnibus, blended with +the harsher fragrance of newly cleaned kid. And Swann felt himself +overflowing with gratitude to her, as well as to Mme. Verdurin (and +almost to Odette, for the feeling that he now entertained for her was +no longer tinged with pain, was scarcely even to be described, now, +as love), while from the platform of the omnibus he followed her with +loving eyes, as she gallantly threaded her way along the Rue Bonaparte, +her plume erect, her skirt held up in one hand, while in the other she +clasped her umbrella and her card-case, so that its monogram could be +seen, her muff dancing in the air before her as she went. + +To compete with and so to stimulate the moribund feelings that Swann had +for Odette, Mme. Cottard, a wiser physician, in this case, than ever +her husband would have been, had grafted among them others more normal, +feelings of gratitude, of friendship, which in Swann's mind were to make +Odette seem again more human (more like other women, since other women +could inspire the same feelings in him), were to hasten her final +transformation back into that Odette, loved with an undisturbed +affection, who had taken him home one evening after a revel at the +painter's, to drink orangeade with Forcheville, that Odette with whom +Swann had calculated that he might live in happiness. + +In former times, having often thought with terror that a day must come +when he would cease to be in love with Odette, he had determined to +keep a sharp look-out, and as soon as he felt that love was beginning to +escape him, to cling tightly to it and to hold it back. But now, to the +faintness of his love there corresponded a simultaneous faintness in +his desire to remain her lover. For a man cannot change, that is to say +become another person, while he continues to obey the dictates of the +self which he has ceased to be. Occasionally the name, if it caught +his eye in a newspaper, of one of the men whom he supposed to have been +Odette's lovers, reawakened his jealousy. But it was very slight, and, +inasmuch as it proved to him that he had not completely emerged from +that period in which he had so keenly suffered--though in it he had also +known a way of feeling so intensely happy--and that the accidents of his +course might still enable him to catch an occasional glimpse, stealthily +and at a distance, of its beauties, this jealousy gave him, if anything, +an agreeable thrill, as to the sad Parisian, when he has left Venice +behind him and must return to France, a last mosquito proves that +Italy and summer are still not too remote. But, as a rule, with this +particular period of his life from which he was emerging, when he made +an effort, if not to remain in it, at least to obtain, while still he +might, an uninterrupted view of it, he discovered that already it was +too late; he would have looked back to distinguish, as it might be +a landscape that was about to disappear, that love from which he had +departed, but it is so difficult to enter into a state of complete +duality and to present to oneself the lifelike spectacle of a feeling +which one has ceased to possess, that very soon, the clouds gathering +in his brain, he could see nothing, he would abandon the attempt, would +take the glasses from his nose and wipe them; and he told himself that +he would do better to rest for a little, that there would be time enough +later on, and settled back into his corner with as little curiosity, +with as much torpor as the drowsy traveller who pulls his cap down over +his eyes so as to get some sleep in the railway-carriage that is drawing +him, he feels, faster and faster, out of the country in which he has +lived for so long, and which he vowed that he would not allow to slip +away from him without looking out to bid it a last farewell. Indeed, +like the same traveller, if he does not awake until he has crossed the +frontier and is again in France, when Swann happened to alight, close +at hand, upon something which proved that Forcheville had been Odette's +lover, he discovered that it caused him no pain, that love was now +utterly remote, and he regretted that he had had no warning of the +moment in which he had emerged from it for ever. And just as, before +kissing Odette for the first time, he had sought to imprint upon his +memory the face that for so long had been familiar, before it was +altered by the additional memory of their kiss, so he could have +wished--in thought at least--to have been in a position to bid farewell, +while she still existed, to that Odette who had inspired love in him and +jealousy, to that Odette who had caused him so to suffer, and whom now +he would never see again. He was mistaken. He was destined to see +her once again, a few weeks later. It was while he was asleep, in the +twilight of a dream. He was walking with Mme. Verdurin, Dr. Cottard, +a young man in a fez whom he failed to identify, the painter, Odette, +Napoleon III and my grandfather, along a path which followed the line +of the coast, and overhung the sea, now at a great height, now by a few +feet only, so that they were continually going up and down; those of the +party who had reached the downward slope were no longer visible to those +who were still climbing; what little daylight yet remained was failing, +and it seemed as though a black night was immediately to fall on them. +Now and then the waves dashed against the cliff, and Swann could feel on +his cheek a shower of freezing spray. Odette told him to wipe this off, +but he could not, and felt confused and helpless in her company, as well +as because he was in his nightshirt. He hoped that, in the darkness, +this might pass unnoticed; Mme. Verdurin, however, fixed her astonished +gaze upon him for an endless moment, in which he saw her face change +its shape, her nose grow longer, while beneath it there sprouted a heavy +moustache. He turned away to examine Odette; her cheeks were pale, with +little fiery spots, her features drawn and ringed with shadows; but she +looked back at him with eyes welling with affection, ready to detach +themselves like tears and to fall upon his face, and he felt that he +loved her so much that he would have liked to carry her off with him +at once. Suddenly Odette turned her wrist, glanced at a tiny watch, +and said: "I must go." She took leave of everyone, in the same formal +manner, without taking Swann aside, without telling him where they were +to meet that evening, or next day. He dared not ask, he would have liked +to follow her, he was obliged, without turning back in her direction, +to answer with a smile some question by Mme. Verdurin; but his heart was +frantically beating, he felt that he now hated Odette, he would gladly +have crushed those eyes which, a moment ago, he had loved so dearly, +have torn the blood into those lifeless cheeks. He continued to climb +with Mme. Verdurin, that is to say that each step took him farther from +Odette, who was going downhill, and in the other direction. A second +passed and it was many hours since she had left him. The painter +remarked to Swann that Napoleon III had eclipsed himself immediately +after Odette. "They had obviously arranged it between them," he added; +"they must have agreed to meet at the foot of the cliff, but they +wouldn't say good-bye together; it might have looked odd. She is his +mistress." The strange young man burst into tears. Swann endeavoured to +console him. "After all, she is quite right," he said to the young man, +drying his eyes for him and taking off the fez to make him feel more +at ease. "I've advised her to do that, myself, a dozen times. Why be +so distressed? He was obviously the man to understand her." So Swann +reasoned with himself, for the young man whom he had failed, at +first, to identify, was himself also; like certain novelists, he had +distributed his own personality between two characters, him who was the +'first person' in the dream, and another whom he saw before him, capped +with a fez. + +As for Napoleon III, it was to Forcheville that some vague association +of ideas, then a certain modification of the Baron's usual physiognomy, +and lastly the broad ribbon of the Legion of Honour across his breast, +had made Swann give that name; but actually, and in everything that the +person who appeared in his dream represented and recalled to him, it was +indeed Forcheville. For, from an incomplete and changing set of images, +Swann in his sleep drew false deductions, enjoying, at the same time, +such creative power that he was able to reproduce himself by a simple +act of division, like certain lower organisms; with the warmth that he +felt in his own palm he modelled the hollow of a strange hand which he +thought that he was clasping, and out of feelings and impressions of +which he was not yet conscious, he brought about sudden vicissitudes +which, by a chain of logical sequences, would produce, at definite +points in his dream, the person required to receive his love or to +startle him awake. In an instant night grew black about him; an alarum +rang, the inhabitants ran past him, escaping from their blazing houses; +he could hear the thunder of the surging waves, and also of his own +heart, which, with equal violence, was anxiously beating in his breast. +Suddenly the speed of these palpitations redoubled, he felt a pain, a +nausea that were inexplicable; a peasant, dreadfully burned, flung at +him as he passed: "Come and ask Charlus where Odette spent the night +with her friend. He used to go about with her, and she tells him +everything. It was they that started the fire." It was his valet, come +to awaken him, and saying:-- + +"Sir, it is eight o'clock, and the barber is here. I have told him to +call again in an hour." + +But these words, as they dived down through the waves of sleep in which +Swann was submerged, did not reach his consciousness without undergoing +that refraction which turns a ray of light, at the bottom of a bowl of +water, into another sun; just as, a moment earlier, the sound of +the door-bell, swelling in the depths of his abyss of sleep into the +clangour of an alarum, had engendered the episode of the fire. Meanwhile +the scenery of his dream-stage scattered in dust, he opened his eyes, +heard for the last time the boom of a wave in the sea, grown very +distant. He touched his cheek. It was dry. And yet he could feel the +sting of the cold spray, and the taste of salt on his lips. He rose, +and dressed himself. He had made the barber come early because he had +written, the day before, to my grandfather, to say that he was going, +that afternoon, to Combray, having learned that Mme. de Cambremer--Mlle. +Legrandin that had been--was spending a few days there. The association +in his memory of her young and charming face with a place in the country +which he had not visited for so long, offered him a combined attraction +which had made him decide at last to leave Paris for a while. As the +different changes and chances that bring us into the company of certain +other people in this life do not coincide with the periods in which we +are in love with those people, but, overlapping them, may occur before +love has begun, and may be repeated after love is ended, the earliest +appearances, in our life, of a creature who is destined to afford us +pleasure later on, assume retrospectively in our eyes a certain value as +an indication, a warning, a presage. It was in this fashion that Swann +had often carried back his mind to the image of Odette, encountered in +the theatre, on that first evening when he had no thought of ever +seeing her again--and that he now recalled the party at Mme. de +Saint-Euverte's, at which he had introduced General de Froberville to +Mme. de Cambremer. So manifold are our interests in life that it is +not uncommon that, on a single occasion, the foundations of a happiness +which does not yet exist are laid down simultaneously with aggravations +of a grief from which we are still suffering. And, no doubt, that might +have occurred to Swann elsewhere than at Mme. de Saint-Euverte's. Who, +indeed, can say whether, in the event of his having gone, that evening, +somewhere else, other happinesses, other griefs would not have come to +him, which, later, would have appeared to have been inevitable? But what +did seem to him to have been inevitable was what had indeed taken place, +and he was not far short of seeing something providential in the fact +that he had at last decided to go to Mme. de Saint-Euverte's that +evening, because his mind, anxious to admire the richness of invention +that life shews, and incapable of facing a difficult problem for any +length of time, such as to discover what, actually, had been most to be +wished for, came to the conclusion that the sufferings through which he +had passed that evening, and the pleasures, at that time unsuspected, +which were already being brought to birth,--the exact balance between +which was too difficult to establish--were linked by a sort of +concatenation of necessity. + +But while, an hour after his awakening, he was giving instructions +to the barber, so that his stiffly brushed hair should not become +disarranged on the journey, he thought once again of his dream; he +saw once again, as he had felt them close beside him, Odette's pallid +complexion, her too thin cheeks, her drawn features, her tired eyes, all +the things which--in the course of those successive bursts of affection +which had made of his enduring love for Odette a long oblivion of the +first impression that he had formed of her--he had ceased to observe +after the first few days of their intimacy, days to which, doubtless, +while he slept, his memory had returned to seek the exact sensation of +those things. And with that old, intermittent fatuity, which reappeared +in him now that he was no longer unhappy, and lowered, at the same time, +the average level of his morality, he cried out in his heart: "To think +that I have wasted years of my life, that I have longed for death, that +the greatest love that I have ever known has been for a woman who did +not please me, who was not in my style!" + + + + +PLACE-NAMES: THE NAME + + +Among the rooms which used most commonly to take shape in my mind during +my long nights of sleeplessness, there was none that differed more +utterly from the rooms at Combray, thickly powdered with the motes of an +atmosphere granular, pollenous, edible and instinct with piety, than +my room in the Grand Hôtel de la Plage, at Balbec, the walls of which, +washed with ripolin, contained, like the polished sides of a basin in +which the water glows with a blue, lurking fire, a finer air, pure, +azure-tinted, saline. The Bavarian upholsterer who had been entrusted +with the furnishing of this hotel had varied his scheme of decoration +in different rooms, and in that which I found myself occupying had set +against the walls, on three sides of it, a series of low book-cases +with glass fronts, in which, according to where they stood, by a law +of nature which he had, perhaps, forgotten to take into account, was +reflected this or that section of the ever-changing view of the sea, so +that the walls were lined with a frieze of seascapes, interrupted only +by the polished mahogany of the actual shelves. And so effective was +this that the whole room had the appearance of one of those model +bedrooms which you see nowadays in Housing Exhibitions, decorated with +works of art which are calculated by their designer to refresh the eyes +of whoever may ultimately have to sleep in the rooms, the subjects being +kept in some degree of harmony with the locality and surroundings of the +houses for which the rooms are planned. + +And yet nothing could have differed more utterly, either, from the real +Balbec than that other Balbec of which I had often dreamed, on stormy +days, when the wind was so strong that Françoise, as she took me to +the Champs-Elysées, would warn me not to walk too near the side of the +street, or I might have my head knocked off by a falling slate, and +would recount to me, with many lamentations, the terrible disasters and +shipwrecks that were reported in the newspaper. I longed for nothing +more than to behold a storm at sea, less as a mighty spectacle than as +a momentary revelation of the true life of nature; or rather there +were for me no mighty spectacles save those which I knew to be +not artificially composed for my entertainment, but necessary and +unalterable,--the beauty of landscapes or of great works of art. I was +not curious, I did not thirst to know anything save what I believed +to be more genuine than myself, what had for me the supreme merit of +shewing me a fragment of the mind of a great genius, or of the force +or the grace of nature as she appeared when left entirely to herself, +without human interference. Just as the lovely sound of her voice, +reproduced, all by itself, upon the phonograph, could never console a +man for the loss of his mother, so a mechanical imitation of a storm +would have left me as cold as did the illuminated fountains at the +Exhibition. I required also, if the storm was to be absolutely genuine, +that the shore from which I watched it should be a natural shore, not an +embankment recently constructed by a municipality. Besides, nature, by +all the feelings that she aroused in me, seemed to me the most opposite +thing in the world to the mechanical inventions of mankind. The less she +bore their imprint, the more room she offered for the expansion of my +heart. And, as it happened, I had preserved the name of Balbec, which +Legrandin had cited to us, as that of a sea-side place in the very midst +of "that funereal coast, famed for the number of its wrecks, swathed, +for six months in the year, in a shroud of fog and flying foam from the +waves. + +"You feel, there, below your feet still," he had told me, "far more even +than at Finistère (and even though hotels are now being superimposed +upon it, without power, however, to modify that oldest bone in the +earth's skeleton) you feel there that you are actually at the land's +end of France, of Europe, of the Old World. And it is the ultimate +encampment of the fishermen, precisely like the fishermen who have +lived since the world's beginning, facing the everlasting kingdom of +the sea-fogs and shadows of the night." One day when, at Combray, I had +spoken of this coast, this Balbec, before M. Swann, hoping to learn from +him whether it was the best point to select for seeing the most violent +storms, he had replied: "I should think I did know Balbec! The church +at Balbec, built in the twelfth and thirteenth centuries, and still +half romanesque, is perhaps the most curious example to be found of our +Norman gothic, and so exceptional that one is tempted to describe it +as Persian in its inspiration." And that region, which, until then, had +seemed to me to be nothing else than a part of immemorial nature, that +had remained contemporaneous with the great phenomena of geology--and as +remote from human history as the Ocean itself, or the Great Bear, with +its wild race of fishermen for whom, no more than for their whales, +had there been any Middle Ages--it had been a great joy to me to see +it suddenly take its place in the order of the centuries, with a stored +consciousness of the romanesque epoch, and to know that the gothic +trefoil had come to diversify those wild rocks also, at the appointed +hour, like those frail but hardy plants which, in the Polar regions, +when the spring returns, scatter their stars about the eternal snows. +And if gothic art brought to those places and people a classification +which, otherwise, they lacked, they too conferred one upon it in return. +I tried to form a picture in my mind of how those fishermen had lived, +the timid and unsuspected essay towards social intercourse which they +had attempted there, clustered upon a promontory of the shores of Hell, +at the foot of the cliffs of death; and gothic art seemed to me a more +living thing now that, detaching it from the towns in which, until then, +I had always imagined it, I could see how, in a particular instance, +upon a reef of savage rocks, it had taken root and grown until it +flowered in a tapering spire. I was taken to see reproductions of the +most famous of the statues at Balbec,--shaggy, blunt-faced Apostles, +the Virgin from the porch,--and I could scarcely breathe for joy at the +thought that I might myself, one day, see them take a solid form against +their eternal background of salt fog. Thereafter, on dear, tempestuous +February nights, the wind--breathing into my heart, which it shook no +less violently than the chimney of my bedroom, the project of a visit to +Balbec--blended in me the desire for gothic architecture with that for a +storm upon the sea. + +I should have liked to take, the very next day, the good, the generous +train at one twenty-two, of which never without a palpitating heart +could I read, in the railway company's bills or in advertisements of +circular tours, the hour of departure: it seemed to me to cut, at +a precise point in every afternoon, a most fascinating groove, a +mysterious mark, from which the diverted hours still led one on, of +course, towards evening, towards to-morrow morning, but to an evening +and morning which one would behold, not in Paris but in one of those +towns through which the train passed and among which it allowed one +to choose; for it stopped at Bayeux, at Coutances, at Vitré, at +Questambert, at Pontorson, at Balbec, at Lannion, at Lamballe, at +Benodet, at Pont-Aven, at Quimperle, and progressed magnificently +surcharged with names which it offered me, so that, among them all, I +did not know which to choose, so impossible was it to sacrifice any. +But even without waiting for the train next day, I could, by rising and +dressing myself with all speed, leave Paris that very evening, should +my parents permit, and arrive at Balbec as dawn spread westward over the +raging sea, from whose driven foam I would seek shelter in that church +in the Persian manner. But at the approach of the Easter holidays, when +my parents had promised to let me spend them, for once, in the North +of Italy, lo! in place of those dreams of tempests, by which I had been +entirely possessed, not wishing to see anything but waves dashing in +from all sides, mounting always higher, upon the wildest of coasts, +beside churches as rugged and precipitous as cliffs, in whose towers +the sea-birds would be wailing; suddenly, effacing them, taking away +all their charm, excluding them because they were its opposite and could +only have weakened its effect, was substituted in me the converse dream +of the most variegated of springs, not the spring of Combray, still +pricking with all the needle-points of the winter's frost, but that +which already covered with lilies and anemones the meadows of Fiesole, +and gave Florence a dazzling golden background, like those in Fra +Angelico's pictures. From that moment, only sunlight, perfumes, colours, +seemed to me to have any value; for this alternation of images had +effected a change of front in my desire, and--as abrupt as those that +occur sometimes in music,--a complete change of tone in my sensibility. +Thus it came about that a mere atmospheric variation would be sufficient +to provoke in me that modulation, without there being any need for me to +await the return of a season. For often we find a day, in one, that has +strayed from another season, and makes us live in that other, summons at +once into our presence and makes us long for its peculiar pleasures, and +interrupts the dreams that we were in process of weaving, by inserting, +out of its turn, too early or too late, this leaf, torn from another +chapter, in the interpolated calendar of Happiness. But soon it happened +that, like those natural phenomena from which our comfort or our health +can derive but an accidental and all too modest benefit, until the day +when science takes control of them, and, producing them at will, places +in our hands the power to order their appearance, withdrawn from +the tutelage and independent of the consent of chance; similarly the +production of these dreams of the Atlantic and of Italy ceased to depend +entirely upon the changes of the seasons and of the weather. I need +only, to make them reappear, pronounce the names: Balbec, Venice, +Florence, within whose syllables had gradually accumulated all the +longing inspired in me by the places for which they stood. Even in +spring, to come in a book upon the name of Balbec sufficed to awaken +in me the desire for storms at sea and for the Norman gothic; even on a +stormy day the name of Florence or of Venice would awaken the desire for +sunshine, for lilies, for the Palace of the Doges and for Santa Maria +del Fiore. + +But if their names thus permanently absorbed the image that I had formed +of these towns, it was only by transforming that image, by subordinating +its reappearance in me to their own special laws; and in consequence of +this they made it more beautiful, but at the same time more different +from anything that the towns of Normandy or Tuscany could in reality be, +and, by increasing the arbitrary delights of my imagination, aggravated +the disenchantment that was in store for me when I set out upon my +travels. They magnified the idea that I formed of certain points on the +earth's surface, making them more special, and in consequence more +real. I did not then represent to myself towns, landscapes, historic +buildings, as pictures more or less attractive, cut out here and there +of a substance that was common to them all, but looked on each of them +as on an unknown thing, different from all the rest, a thing for which +my soul was athirst, by the knowledge of which it would benefit. How +much more individual still was the character that they assumed from +being designated by names, names that were only for themselves, proper +names such as people have. Words present to us little pictures of +things, lucid and normal, like the pictures that are hung on the walls +of schoolrooms to give children an illustration of what is meant by +a carpenter's bench, a bird, an ant-hill; things chosen as typical of +everything else of the same sort. But names present to us--of persons +and of towns which they accustom us to regard as individual, as unique, +like persons--a confused picture, which draws from the names, from +the brightness or darkness of their sound, the colour in which it is +uniformly painted, like one of those posters, entirely blue or entirely +red, in which, on account of the limitations imposed by the process used +in their reproduction, or by a whim on the designer's part, are blue or +red not only the sky and the sea, but the ships and the church and the +people in the streets. The name of Parma, one of the towns that I most +longed to visit, after reading the _Chartreuse_, seeming to me compact +and glossy, violet-tinted, soft, if anyone were to speak of such or +such a house in Parma, in which I should be lodged, he would give me the +pleasure of thinking that I was to inhabit a dwelling that was compact +and glossy, violet-tinted, soft, and that bore no relation to the houses +in any other town in Italy, since I could imagine it only by the aid +of that heavy syllable of the name of Parma, in which no breath of air +stirred, and of all that I had made it assume of Stendhalian sweetness +and the reflected hue of violets. And when I thought of Florence, it was +of a town miraculously embalmed, and flower-like, since it was called +the City of the Lilies, and its Cathedral, Our Lady of the Flower. As +for Balbec, it was one of those names in which, as on an old piece of +Norman pottery that still keeps the colour of the earth from which +it was fashioned, one sees depicted still the representation of some +long-abolished custom, of some feudal right, of the former condition of +some place, of an obsolete way of pronouncing the language, which had +shaped and wedded its incongruous syllables and which I never doubted +that I should find spoken there at once, even by the inn-keeper who +would pour me out coffee and milk on my arrival, taking me down to watch +the turbulent sea, unchained, before the church; to whom I lent the +aspect, disputatious, solemn and mediaeval, of some character in one of +the old romances. + +Had my health definitely improved, had my parents allowed me, if not +actually to go down to stay at Balbec, at least to take, just once, so +as to become acquainted with the architecture and landscapes of Normandy +or of Brittany, that one twenty-two train into which I had so often +clambered in imagination, I should have preferred to stop, and to alight +from it, at the most beautiful of its towns; but in vain might I +compare and contrast them; how was one to choose, any more than between +individual people, who are not interchangeable, between Bayeux, so lofty +in its noble coronet of rusty lace, whose highest point caught the light +of the old gold of its second syllable; Vitré, whose acute accent barred +its ancient glass with wooden lozenges; gentle Lamballe, whose whiteness +ranged from egg-shell yellow to a pearly grey; Coutances, a Norman +Cathedral, which its final consonants, rich and yellowing, crowned with +a tower of butter; Lannion with the rumble and buzz, in the silence of +its village street, of the fly on the wheel of the coach; Questambert, +Pontorson, ridiculously silly and simple, white feathers and yellow +beaks strewn along the road to those well-watered and poetic spots; +Benodet, a name scarcely moored that seemed to be striving to draw the +river down into the tangle of its seaweeds; Pont-Aven, the snowy, rosy +flight of the wing of a lightly poised coif, tremulously reflected in +the greenish waters of a canal; Quimperlé, more firmly attached, this, +and since the Middle Ages, among the rivulets with which it babbled, +threading their pearls upon a grey background, like the pattern made, +through the cobwebs upon a window, by rays of sunlight changed into +blunt points of tarnished silver? + +These images were false for another reason also; namely, that they +were necessarily much simplified; doubtless the object to which my +imagination aspired, which my senses took in but incompletely and +without any immediate pleasure, I had committed to the safe custody +of names; doubtless because I had accumulated there a store of dreams, +those names now magnetised my desires; but names themselves are not very +comprehensive; the most that I could do was to include in each of them +two or three of the principal curiosities of the town, which would +lie there side by side, without interval or partition; in the name of +Balbec, as in the magnifying glasses set in those penholders which +one buys at sea-side places, I could distinguish waves surging round +a church built in the Persian manner. Perhaps, indeed, the enforced +simplicity of these images was one of the reasons for the hold that they +had over me. When my father had decided, one year, that we should go +for the Easter holidays to Florence and Venice, not finding room +to introduce into the name of Florence the elements that ordinarily +constitute a town, I was obliged to let a supernatural city emerge from +the impregnation by certain vernal scenes of what I supposed to be, +in its essentials, the genius of Giotto. All the more--and because one +cannot make a name extend much further in time than in space--like some +of Giotto's paintings themselves which shew us at two separate moments +the same person engaged in different actions, here lying on his bed, +there just about to mount his horse, the name of Florence was divided +into two compartments. In one, beneath an architectural dais, I gazed +upon a fresco over which was partly drawn a curtain of morning sunlight, +dusty, aslant, and gradually spreading; in the other (for, since +I thought of names not as an inaccessible ideal but as a real and +enveloping substance into which I was about to plunge, the life not yet +lived, the life intact and pure which I enclosed in them, gave to the +most material pleasures, to the simplest scenes, the same attraction +that they have in the works of the Primitives), I moved swiftly--so as +to arrive, as soon as might be, at the table that was spread for me, +with fruit and a flask of Chianti--across a Ponte Vecchio heaped with +jonquils, narcissi and anemones. That (for all that I was still in +Paris) was what I saw, and not what was actually round about me. Even +from the simplest, the most realistic point of view, the countries for +which we long occupy, at any given moment, a far larger place in our +true life than the country in which we may happen to be. Doubtless, if, +at that time, I had paid more attention to what was in my mind when I +pronounced the words "going to Florence, to Parma, to Pisa, to Venice," +I should have realised that what I saw was in no sense a town, but +something as different from anything that I knew, something as delicious +as might be for a human race whose whole existence had passed in a +series of late winter afternoons, that inconceivable marvel, a morning +in spring. These images, unreal, fixed, always alike, filling all my +nights and days, differentiated this period in my life from those which +had gone before it (and might easily have been confused with it by +an observer who saw things only from without, that is to say, who saw +nothing), as in an opera a fresh melody introduces a novel atmosphere +which one could never have suspected if one had done no more than +read the libretto, still less if one had remained outside the theatre, +counting only the minutes as they passed. And besides, even from the +point of view of mere quantity, in our life the days are not all equal. +To reach the end of a day, natures that are slightly nervous, as +mine was, make use, like motor-cars, of different 'speeds.' There are +mountainous, uncomfortable days, up which one takes an infinite time to +pass, and days downward sloping, through which one can go at full tilt, +singing as one goes. During this month--in which I went laboriously +over, as over a tune, though never to my satisfaction, these visions of +Florence, Venice, Pisa, from which the desire that they excited in me +drew and kept something as profoundly personal as if it had been +love, love for another person--I never ceased to believe that they +corresponded to a reality independent of myself, and they made me +conscious of as glorious a hope as could have been cherished by a +Christian in the primitive age of faith, on the eve of his entry into +Paradise. Moreover, without my paying any heed to the contradiction that +there was in my wishing to look at and to touch with my organs of sense +what had been elaborated by the spell of my dreams and not perceived by +my senses at all--though all the more tempting to them, in consequence, +more different from anything that they knew--it was that which recalled +to me the reality of these visions, which inflamed my desire all the +more by seeming to hint a promise that my desire should be satisfied. +And for all that the motive force of my exaltation was a longing for +aesthetic enjoyments, the guide-books ministered even more to it than +books on aesthetics, and, more again than the guide-books, the railway +time-tables. What moved me was the thought that this Florence which I +could see, so near and yet inaccessible, in my imagination, if the tract +which separated it from me, in myself, was not one that I might cross, +could yet be reached by a circuit, by a digression, were I to take +the plain, terrestrial path. When I repeated to myself, giving thus a +special value to what I was going to see, that Venice was the "School of +Giorgione, the home of Titian, the most complete museum of the domestic +architecture of the Middle Ages," I felt happy indeed. As I was even +more when, on one of my walks, as I stepped out briskly on account +of the weather, which, after several days of a precocious spring, had +relapsed into winter (like the weather that we had invariably found +awaiting us at Combray, in Holy Week),--seeing upon the boulevards that +the chestnut-trees, though plunged in a glacial atmosphere that soaked +through them like a stream of water, were none the less beginning, +punctual guests, arrayed already for the party, and admitting no +discouragement, to shape and chisel and curve in its frozen lumps the +irrepressible verdure whose steady growth the abortive power of the +cold might hinder but could not succeed in restraining--I reflected that +already the Ponte Vecchio was heaped high with an abundance of hyacinths +and anemones, and that the spring sunshine was already tinging the waves +of the Grand Canal with so dusky an azure, with emeralds so splendid +that when they washed and were broken against the foot of one of +Titian's paintings they could vie with it in the richness of their +colouring. I could no longer contain my joy when my father, in the +intervals of tapping the barometer and complaining of the cold, began +to look out which were the best trains, and when I understood that by +making one's way, after luncheon, into the coal-grimed laboratory, the +wizard's cell that undertook to contrive a complete transmutation of its +surroundings, one could awaken, next morning, in the city of marble +and gold, in which "the building of the wall was of jasper and the +foundation of the wall an emerald." So that it and the City of the +Lilies were not just artificial scenes which I could set up at my +pleasure in front of my imagination, but did actually exist at a certain +distance from Paris which must inevitably be traversed if I wished to +see them, at their appointed place on the earth's surface, and at no +other; in a word they were entirely real. They became even more real +to me when my father, by saying: "Well, you can stay in Venice from the +20th to the 29th, and reach Florence on Easter morning," made them both +emerge, no longer only from the abstraction of Space, but from that +imaginary Time in which we place not one, merely, but several of +our travels at once, which do not greatly tax us since they are but +possibilities,--that Time which reconstructs itself so effectively that +one can spend it again in one town after one has already spent it in +another--and consecrated to them some of those actual, calendar days +which are certificates of the genuineness of what one does on them, for +those unique days are consumed by being used, they do not return, one +cannot live them again here when one has lived them elsewhere; I felt +that it was towards the week that would begin with the Monday on which +the laundress was to bring back the white waistcoat that I had stained +with ink, that they were hastening to busy themselves with the duty +of emerging from that ideal Time in which they did not, as yet, exist, +those two Queen Cities of which I was soon to be able, by the most +absorbing kind of geometry, to inscribe the domes and towers on a +page of my own life. But I was still on the way, only, to the supreme +pinnacle of happiness; I reached it finally (for not until then did the +revelation burst upon me that on the clattering streets, reddened by the +light reflected from Giorgione's frescoes, it was not, as I had, despite +so many promptings, continued to imagine, the men "majestic and terrible +as the sea, bearing armour that gleamed with bronze beneath the folds +of their blood-red cloaks," who would be walking in Venice next week, on +the Easter vigil; but that I myself might be the minute personage whom, +in an enlarged photograph of St. Mark's that had been lent to me, the +operator had portrayed, in a bowler hat, in front of the portico), when +I heard my father say: "It must be pretty cold, still, on the Grand +Canal; whatever you do, don't forget to pack your winter greatcoat and +your thick suit." At these words I was raised to a sort of ecstasy; +a thing that I had until then deemed impossible, I felt myself to be +penetrating indeed between those "rocks of amethyst, like a reef in the +Indian Ocean"; by a supreme muscular effort, a long way in excess of my +real strength, stripping myself, as of a shell that served no purpose, +of the air in my own room which surrounded me, I replaced it by an equal +quantity of Venetian air, that marine atmosphere, indescribable and +peculiar as the atmosphere of the dreams which my imagination had +secreted in the name of Venice; I could feel at work within me a +miraculous disincarnation; it was at once accompanied by that vague +desire to vomit which one feels when one has a very sore throat; and +they had to put me to bed with a fever so persistent that the doctor +not only assured my parents that a visit, that spring, to Florence and +Venice was absolutely out of the question, but warned them that, even +when I should have completely recovered, I must, for at least a year, +give up all idea of travelling, and be kept from anything that was +liable to excite me. + +And, alas, he forbade also, most categorically, my being allowed to go +to the theatre, to hear Berma; the sublime artist, whose genius Bergotte +had proclaimed, might, by introducing me to something else that was, +perhaps, as important and as beautiful, have consoled me for not having +been to Florence and Venice, for not going to Balbec. My parents had +to be content with sending me, every day, to the Champs-Elysées, in +the custody of a person who would see that I did not tire myself; this +person was none other than Françoise, who had entered our service +after the death of my aunt Léonie. Going to the Champs-Elysées I found +unendurable. If only Bergotte had described the place in one of his +books, I should, no doubt, have longed to see and to know it, like so +many things else of which a simulacrum had first found its way into +my imagination. That kept things warm, made them live, gave them +personality, and I sought then to find their counterpart in reality, +but in this public garden there was nothing that attached itself to my +dreams. + +* * * + +One day, as I was weary of our usual place, beside the wooden horses, +Françoise had taken me for an excursion--across the frontier guarded at +regular intervals by the little bastions of the barley-sugar women--into +those neighbouring but foreign regions, where the faces of the +passers-by were strange, where the goat-carriage went past; then she had +gone away to lay down her things on a chair that stood with its back to +a shrubbery of laurels; while I waited for her I was pacing the broad +lawn, of meagre close-cropped grass already faded by the sun, dominated, +at its far end, by a statue rising from a fountain, in front of which a +little girl with reddish hair was playing with a shuttlecock; when, from +the path, another little girl, who was putting on her cloak and covering +up her battledore, called out sharply: "Good-bye, Gilberte, I'm going +home now; don't forget, we're coming to you this evening, after dinner." +The name Gilberte passed close by me, evoking all the more forcibly her +whom it labelled in that it did not merely refer to her, as one speaks +of a man in his absence, but was directly addressed to her; it passed +thus close by me, in action, so to speak, with a force that +increased with the curve of its trajectory and as it drew near to +its target;--carrying in its wake, I could feel, the knowledge, the +impression of her to whom it was addressed that belonged not to me but +to the friend who called to her, everything that, while she uttered the +words, she more or less vividly reviewed, possessed in her memory, of +their daily intimacy, of the visits that they paid to each other, of +that unknown existence which was all the more inaccessible, all the more +painful to me from being, conversely, so familiar, so tractable to this +happy girl who let her message brush past me without my being able to +penetrate its surface, who flung it on the air with a light-hearted cry: +letting float in the atmosphere the delicious attar which that message +had distilled, by touching them with precision, from certain invisible +points in Mlle. Swann's life, from the evening to come, as it would be, +after dinner, at her home,--forming, on its celestial passage through +the midst of the children and their nursemaids, a little cloud, +exquisitely coloured, like the cloud that, curling over one of Poussin's +gardens, reflects minutely, like a cloud in the opera, teeming with +chariots and horses, some apparition of the life of the gods; casting, +finally, on that ragged grass, at the spot on which she stood (at once a +scrap of withered lawn and a moment in the afternoon of the fair player, +who continued to beat up and catch her shuttlecock until a governess, +with a blue feather in her hat, had called her away) a marvellous little +band of light, of the colour of heliotrope, spread over the lawn like a +carpet on which I could not tire of treading to and fro with lingering +feet, nostalgic and profane, while Françoise shouted: "Come on, button +up your coat, look, and let's get away!" and I remarked for the first +time how common her speech was, and that she had, alas, no blue feather +in her hat. + +Only, would _she_ come again to the Champs-Elysées? Next day she was +not there; but I saw her on the following days; I spent all my time +revolving round the spot where she was at play with her friends, to such +effect that once, when, they found, they were not enough to make up a +prisoner's base, she sent one of them to ask me if I cared to complete +their side, and from that day I played with her whenever she came. +But this did not happen every day; there were days when she had +been prevented from coming by her lessons, by her catechism, by a +luncheon-party, by the whole of that life, separated from my own, which +twice only, condensed into the name of Gilberte, I had felt pass so +painfully close to me, in the hawthorn lane near Combray and on the +grass of the Champs-Elysées. On such days she would have told us +beforehand that we should not see her; if it were because of her +lessons, she would say: "It is too tiresome, I sha'n't be able to come +to-morrow; you will all be enjoying yourselves here without me," with an +air of regret which to some extent consoled me; if, on the other hand, +she had been invited to a party, and I, not knowing this, asked her +whether she was coming to play with us, she would reply: "Indeed I hope +not! Indeed I hope Mamma will let me go to my friend's." But on these +days I did at least know that I should not see her, whereas on others, +without any warning, her mother would take her for a drive, or some such +thing, and next day she would say: "Oh, yes! I went out with Mamma," +as though it had been the most natural thing in the world, and not the +greatest possible misfortune for some one else. There were also the days +of bad weather on which her governess, afraid, on her own account, of +the rain, would not bring Gilberte to the Champs-Elysées. + +And so, if the heavens were doubtful, from early morning I would not +cease to interrogate them, observing all the omens. If I saw the lady +opposite, just inside her window, putting on her hat, I would say to +myself: "That lady is going out; it must, therefore, be weather in which +one can go out. Why should not Gilberte do the same as that lady?" But +the day grew dark. My mother said that it might clear again, that one +burst of sunshine would be enough, but that more probably it would rain; +and if it rained, of what use would it be to go to the Champs-Elysées? +And so, from breakfast-time, my anxious eyes never left the uncertain, +clouded sky. It remained dark. Outside the window, the balcony was grey. +Suddenly, on its sullen stone, I did not indeed see a less negative +colour, but I felt as it were an effort towards a less negative colour, +the pulsation of a hesitating ray that struggled to discharge its light. +A moment later the balcony was as pale and luminous as a standing water +at dawn, and a thousand shadows from the iron-work of its balustrade had +come to rest on it. A breath of wind dispersed them; the stone grew +dark again, but, like tamed creatures, they returned; they began, +imperceptibly, to grow lighter, and by one of those continuous +crescendos, such as, in music, at the end of an overture, carry a single +note to the extreme fortissimo, making it pass rapidly through all the +intermediate stages, I saw it attain to that fixed, unalterable gold of +fine days, on which the sharply cut shadows of the wrought iron of the +balustrade were outlined in black like a capricious vegetation, with a +fineness in the delineation of their smallest details which seemed to +indicate a deliberate application, an artist's satisfaction, and with so +much relief, so velvety a bloom in the restfulness of their sombre +and happy mass that in truth those large and leafy shadows which lay +reflected on that lake of sunshine seemed aware that they were pledges +of happiness and peace of mind. + +Brief, fading ivy, climbing, fugitive flora, the most colourless, the +most depressing, to many minds, of all that creep on walls or decorate +windows; to me the dearest of them all, from the day when it appeared +upon our balcony, like the very shadow of the presence of Gilberte, +who was perhaps already in the Champs-Elysées, and as soon as I arrived +there would greet me with: "Let's begin at once. You are on my side." +Frail, swept away by a breath, but at the same time in harmony, not with +the season, with the hour; a promise of that immediate pleasure which +the day will deny or fulfil, and thereby of the one paramount immediate +pleasure, the pleasure of loving and of being loved; more soft, +more warm upon the stone than even moss is; alive, a ray of sunshine +sufficing for its birth, and for the birth of joy, even in the heart of +winter. + +And on those days when all other vegetation had disappeared, when the +fine jerkins of green leather which covered the trunks of the old trees +were hidden beneath the snow; after the snow had ceased to fall, but +when the sky was still too much overcast for me to hope that Gilberte +would venture out, then suddenly--inspiring my mother to say: "Look, +it's quite fine now; I think you might perhaps try going to the +Champs-Elysées after all."--on the mantle of snow that swathed the +balcony, the sun had appeared and was stitching seams of gold, with +embroidered patches of dark shadow. That day we found no one there, or +else a solitary girl, on the point of departure, who assured me that +Gilberte was not coming. The chairs, deserted by the imposing but +uninspiring company of governesses, stood empty. Only, near the grass, +was sitting a lady of uncertain age who came in all weathers, dressed +always in an identical style, splendid and sombre, to make whose +acquaintance I would have, at that period, sacrificed, had it lain in my +power, all the greatest opportunities in my life to come. For Gilberte +went up every day to speak to her; she used to ask Gilberte for news of +her "dearest mother" and it struck me that, if I had known her, I should +have been for Gilberte some one wholly different, some one who knew +people in her parents' world. While her grandchildren played together at +a little distance, she would sit and read the Débats, which she called +"My old _Débats_!" as, with an aristocratic familiarity, she would say, +speaking of the police-sergeant or the woman who let the chairs, "My +old friend the police-sergeant," or "The chair-keeper and I, who are old +friends." + +Françoise found it too cold to stand about, so we walked to the Pont +de la Concorde to see the Seine frozen over, on to which everyone, even +children, walked fearlessly, as though upon an enormous whale, stranded, +defenceless, and about to be cut up. We returned to the Champs-Elysées; +I was growing sick with misery between the motionless wooden horses and +the white lawn, caught in a net of black paths from which the snow had +been cleared, while the statue that surmounted it held in its hand a +long pendent icicle which seemed to explain its gesture. The old lady +herself, having folded up her _Débats_, asked a passing nursemaid +the time, thanking her with "How very good of you!" then begged the +road-sweeper to tell her grandchildren to come, as she felt cold, adding +"A thousand thanks. I am sorry to give you so much trouble!" Suddenly +the sky was rent in two: between the punch-and-judy and the horses, +against the opening horizon, I had just seen, like a miraculous sign, +Mademoiselle's blue feather. And now Gilberte was running at full speed +towards me, sparkling and rosy beneath a cap trimmed with fur, enlivened +by the cold, by being late, by her anxiety for a game; shortly before +she reached me, she slipped on a piece of ice and, either to regain her +balance, or because it appeared to her graceful, or else pretending +that she was on skates, it was with outstretched arms that she smilingly +advanced, as though to embrace me. "Bravo! bravo! that's splendid; +'topping,' I should say, like you--'sporting,' I suppose I ought to say, +only I'm a hundred-and-one, a woman of the old school," exclaimed the +lady, uttering, on behalf of the voiceless Champs-Elysées, their thanks +to Gilberte for having come, without letting herself be frightened +away by the weather. "You are like me, faithful at all costs to our old +Champs-Elysées; we are two brave souls! You wouldn't believe me, I dare +say, if I told you that I love them, even like this. This snow (I know, +you'll laugh at me), it makes me think of ermine!" And the old lady +began to laugh herself. + +The first of these days--to which the snow, a symbol of the powers that +were able to deprive me of the sight of Gilberte, imparted the sadness +of a day of separation, almost the aspect of a day of departure, because +it changed the outward form and almost forbade the use of the customary +scene of our only encounters, now altered, covered, as it were, in +dust-sheets--that day, none the less, marked a stage in the progress of +my love, for it was, in a sense, the first sorrow that she was to share +with me. There were only our two selves of our little company, and to +be thus alone with her was not merely like a beginning of intimacy, but +also on her part--as though she had come there solely to please me, and +in such weather--it seemed to me as touching as if, on one of those days +on which she had been invited to a party, she had given it up in order +to come to me in the Champs-Elysées; I acquired more confidence in the +vitality, in the future of a friendship which could remain so much alive +amid the torpor, the solitude, the decay of our surroundings; and while +she dropped pellets of snow down my neck, I smiled lovingly at what +seemed to me at once a predilection that she shewed for me in thus +tolerating me as her travelling companion in this new, this wintry land, +and a sort of loyalty to me which she preserved through evil times. +Presently, one after another, like shyly hopping sparrows, her friends +arrived, black against the snow. We got ready to play and, since this +day which had begun so sadly was destined to end in joy, as I went up, +before the game started, to the friend with the sharp voice whom I had +heard, that first day, calling Gilberte by name, she said to me: "No, +no, I'm sure you'd much rather be in Gilberte's camp; besides, look, +she's signalling to you." She was in fact summoning me to cross the +snowy lawn to her camp, to 'take the field,' which the sun, by casting +over it a rosy gleam, the metallic lustre of old and worn brocades, had +turned into a Field of the Cloth of Gold. + +This day, which I had begun with so many misgivings, was, as it +happened, one of the few on which I was not unduly wretched. + +For, although I no longer thought, now, of anything save not to let a +single day pass without seeing Gilberte (so much so that once, when my +grandmother had not come home by dinner-time, I could not resist the +instinctive reflection that, if she had been run over in the street +and killed, I should not for some time be allowed to play in the +Champs-Elysées; when one is in love one has no love left for anyone), +yet those moments which I spent in her company, for which I had waited +with so much impatience all night and morning, for which I had quivered +with excitement, to which I would have sacrificed everything else in the +world, were by no means happy moments; well did I know it, for they +were the only moments in my life on which I concentrated a scrupulous, +undistracted attention, and yet I could not discover in them one atom +of pleasure. All the time that I was away from Gilberte, I wanted to see +her, because, having incessantly sought to form a mental picture of her, +I was unable, in the end, to do so, and did not know exactly to what my +love corresponded. Besides, she had never yet told me that she loved me. +Far from it, she had often boasted that she knew other little boys whom +she preferred to myself, that I was a good companion, with whom she was +always willing to play, although I was too absent-minded, not attentive +enough to the game. Moreover, she had often shewn signs of apparent +coldness towards me, which might have shaken my faith that I was for her +a creature different from the rest, had that faith been founded upon a +love that Gilberte had felt for me, and not, as was the case, upon +the love that I felt for her, which strengthened its resistance to the +assaults of doubt by making it depend entirely upon the manner in which +I was obliged, by an internal compulsion, to think of Gilberte. But my +feelings with regard to her I had never yet ventured to express to her +in words. Of course, on every page of my exercise-books, I wrote out, +in endless repetition, her name and address, but at the sight of those +vague lines which I might trace, without her having to think, on that +account, of me, I felt discouraged, because they spoke to me, not of +Gilberte, who would never so much as see them, but of my own desire, +which they seemed to shew me in its true colours, as something purely +personal, unreal, tedious and ineffective. The most important thing +was that we should see each other, Gilberte and I, and should have an +opportunity of making a mutual confession of our love which, until then, +would not officially (so to speak) have begun. Doubtless the various +reasons which made me so impatient to see her would have appeared less +urgent to a grown man. As life goes on, we acquire such adroitness in +the culture of our pleasures, that we content ourselves with that which +we derive from thinking of a woman, as I was thinking of Gilberte, +without troubling ourselves to ascertain whether the image corresponds +to the reality,--and with the pleasure of loving her, without needing to +be sure, also, that she loves us; or again that we renounce the pleasure +of confessing our passion for her, so as to preserve and enhance the +passion that she has for us, like those Japanese gardeners who, to +obtain one perfect blossom, will sacrifice the rest. But at the period +when I was in love with Gilberte, I still believed that Love did really +exist, apart from ourselves; that, allowing us, at the most, to surmount +the obstacles in our way, it offered us its blessings in an order in +which we were not free to make the least alteration; it seemed to me +that if I had, on my own initiative, substituted for the sweetness of +a confession a pretence of indifference, I should not only have been +depriving myself of one of the joys of which I had most often dreamed, +I should have been fabricating, of my own free will, a love that was +artificial and without value, that bore no relation to the truth, whose +mysterious and foreordained ways I should thus have been declining to +follow. + +But when I arrived at the Champs-Elysées,--and, as at first sight +it appeared, was in a position to confront my love, so as to make it +undergo the necessary modifications, with its living and independent +cause--as soon as I was in the presence of that Gilberte Swann on the +sight of whom I had counted to revive the images that my tired memory +had lost and could not find again, of that Gilberte Swann with whom I +had been playing the day before, and whom I had just been prompted to +greet, and then to recognise, by a blind instinct like that which, when +we are walking, sets one foot before the other, without giving us time +to think what we are doing, then at once it became as though she and the +little girl who had inspired my dreams had been two different people. +If, for instance, I had retained in my memory overnight two fiery eyes +above plump and rosy cheeks, Gilberte's face would now offer me (and +with emphasis) something that I distinctly had not remembered, a +certain sharpening and prolongation of the nose which, instantaneously +associating itself with certain others of her features, assumed the +importance of those characteristics which, in natural history, are used +to define a species, and transformed her into a little girl of the kind +that have sharpened profiles. While I was making myself ready to take +advantage of this long expected moment, and to surrender myself to the +impression of Gilberte which I had prepared beforehand but could no +longer find in my head, to an extent which would enable me, during the +long hours which I must spend alone, to be certain that it was indeed +herself whom I had in mind, that it was indeed my love for her that I +was gradually making grow, as a book grows when one is writing it, she +threw me a ball; and, like the idealist philosopher whose body takes +account of the external world in the reality of which his intellect +declines to believe, the same self which had made me salute her before I +had identified her now urged me to catch the ball that she tossed to me +(as though she had been a companion, with whom I had come to play, and +not a sister-soul with whom my soul had come to be united), made me, +out of politeness, until the time came when she had to I go, address +a thousand polite and trivial remarks to her, and so prevented me both +from keeping a silence in which I might at last have laid my hand upon +the indispensable, escaped idea, and from uttering the words which might +have made that definite progress in the course of our love on which I +was always obliged to count only for the following afternoon. There was, +however, an occasional development. One day, we had gone with Gilberte +to the stall of our own special vendor, who was always particularly +nice to us, since it was to her that M. Swann used to send for his +gingerbread, of which, for reasons of health (he suffered from a racial +eczema, and from the constipation of the prophets), he consumed a great +quantity,--Gilberte pointed out to me with a laugh two little boys who +were like the little artist and the little naturalist in the children's +storybooks. For one of them would not have a red stick of rock because +he preferred the purple, while the other, with tears in his eyes, +refused a plum which his nurse was buying for him, because, as he +finally explained in passionate tones: "I want the other plum; it's got +a worm in it!" I purchased two ha'penny marbles. With admiring eyes I +saw, luminous and imprisoned in a bowl by themselves, the agate marbles +which seemed precious to me because they were as fair and smiling as +little girls, and because they cost five-pence each. Gilberte, who was +given a great deal more pocket money than I ever had, asked me which I +thought the prettiest. They were as transparent, as liquid-seeming as +life itself. I would not have had her sacrifice a single one of them. +I should have liked her to be able to buy them, to liberate them all. +Still, I pointed out one that had the same colour as her eyes. Gilberte +took it, turned it about until it shone with a ray of gold, fondled it, +paid its ransom, but at once handed me her captive, saying: "Take it; it +is for you, I give it to you, keep it to remind yourself of me." + +Another time, being still obsessed by the desire to hear Berma in +classic drama, I had asked her whether she had not a copy of a pamphlet +in which Bergotte spoke of Racine, and which was now out of print. She +had told me to let her know the exact title of it, and that evening +I had sent her a little telegram, writing on its envelope the name, +Gilberte Swann, which I had so often traced in my exercise-books. Next +day she brought me in a parcel tied with pink bows and sealed with white +wax, the pamphlet, a copy of which she had managed to find. "You see, it +is what you asked me for," she said, taking from her muff the telegram +that I had sent her. But in the address on the pneumatic message--which, +only yesterday, was nothing, was merely a 'little blue' that I had +written, and, after a messenger had delivered it to Gilberte's porter +and a servant had taken it to her in her room, had become a thing +without value or distinction, one of the 'little blues' that she had +received in the course of the day--I had difficulty in recognising +the futile, straggling lines of my own handwriting beneath the circles +stamped on it at the post-office, the inscriptions added in pencil by +a postman, signs of effectual realisation, seals of the external world, +violet bands symbolical of life itself, which for the first time came to +espouse, to maintain, to raise, to rejoice my dream. + +And there was another day on which she said to me: "You know, you may +call me 'Gilberte'; in any case, I'm going to call you by your first +name. It's too silly not to." Yet she continued for a while to address +me by the more formal '_vous_,' and, when I drew her attention to this, +smiled, and composing, constructing a phrase like those that are put +into the grammar-books of foreign languages with no other object than to +teach us to make use of a new word, ended it with my Christian name. And +when I recalled, later, what I had felt at the time, I could distinguish +the impression of having been held, for a moment, in her mouth, myself, +naked, without, any longer, any of the social qualifications which +belonged equally to her other companions and, when she used my surname, +to my parents, accessories of which her lips--by the effort that she +made, a little after her father's manner, to articulate the words to +which she wished to give a special value--had the air of stripping, of +divesting me, as one peels the skin from a fruit of which one is going +to put only the pulp into one's mouth, while her glance, adapting itself +to the same new degree of intimacy as her speech, fell on me also more +directly, not without testifying to the consciousness, the pleasure, +even the gratitude that it felt, accompanying itself with a smile. + +But at that actual moment, I was not able to appreciate the worth of +these new pleasures. They were given, not by the little girl whom I +loved, to me who loved her, but by the other, her with whom I used to +play, to my other self, who possessed neither the memory of the true +Gilberte, nor the fixed heart which alone could have known the value +of a happiness for which it alone had longed. Even after I had returned +home I did not taste them, since, every day, the necessity which made +me hope that on the morrow I should arrive at the clear, calm, happy +contemplation of Gilberte, that she would at last confess her love +for me, explaining to me the reasons by which she had been obliged, +hitherto, to conceal it, that same necessity forced me to regard the +past as of no account, to look ahead of me only, to consider the little +advantages that she had given me not in themselves and as if they were +self-sufficient, but like fresh rungs of the ladder on which I might +set my feet, which were going to allow me to advance a step further and +finally to attain the happiness which I had not yet encountered. + +If, at times, she shewed me these marks of her affection, she troubled +me also by seeming not to be pleased to see me, and this happened often +on the very days on which I had most counted for the realisation of my +hopes. I was sure that Gilberte was coming to the Champs-Elysées, and +I felt an elation which seemed merely the anticipation of a great +happiness when--going into the drawing-room in the morning to kiss +Mamma, who was already dressed to go out, the coils of her black hair +elaborately built up, and her beautiful hands, plump and white, fragrant +still with soap--I had been apprised, by seeing a column of dust +standing by itself in the air above the piano, and by hearing a +barrel-organ playing, beneath the window, _En revenant de la revue_, +that the winter had received, until nightfall, an unexpected, radiant +visit from a day of spring. While we sat at luncheon, by opening her +window, the lady opposite had sent packing, in the twinkling of an eye, +from beside my chair--to sweep in a single stride over the whole width +of our dining-room--a sunbeam which had lain down there for its midday +rest and returned to continue it there a moment later. At school, during +the one o'clock lesson, the sun made me sick with impatience and boredom +as it let fall a golden stream that crept to the edge of my desk, like +an invitation to the feast at which I could not myself arrive before +three o'clock, until the moment when Françoise came to fetch me at the +school-gate, and we made our way towards the Champs-Elysées through +streets decorated with sunlight, dense with people, over which the +balconies, detached by the sun and made vaporous, seemed to float in +front of the houses like clouds of gold. Alas! in the Champs-Elysées +I found no Gilberte; she had not yet arrived. Motionless, on the lawn +nurtured by the invisible sun which, here and there, kindled to a flame +the point of a blade of grass, while the pigeons that had alighted upon +it had the appearance of ancient sculptures which the gardener's pick +had heaved to the surface of a hallowed soil, I stood with my eyes fixed +on the horizon, expecting at every moment to see appear the form of +Gilberte following that of her governess, behind the statue that +seemed to be holding out the child, which it had in its arms, and which +glistened in the stream of light, to receive benediction from the +sun. The old lady who read the Débats was sitting on her chair, in her +invariable place, and had just accosted a park-keeper, with a friendly +wave of her hands towards him as she exclaimed "What a lovely day!" And +when the chair-woman came up to collect her penny, with an infinity of +smirks and affectations she folded the ticket away inside her glove, +as though it had been a posy of flowers, for which she had sought, in +gratitude to the donor, the most becoming place upon her person. When +she had found it, she performed a circular movement with her neck, +straightened her boa, and fastened upon the collector, as she shewed +her the end of yellow paper that stuck out over her bare wrist, the +bewitching smile with which a woman says to a young man, pointing to her +bosom: "You see, I'm wearing your roses!" + +I dragged Françoise, on the way towards Gilberte, as far as the Arc +de Triomphe; we did not meet her, and I was returning towards the lawn +convinced, now, that she was not coming, when, in front of the wooden +horses, the little girl with the sharp voice flung herself upon me: +"Quick, quick, Gilberte's been here a quarter of an hour. She's just +going. We've been waiting for you, to make up a prisoner's base." + +While I had been going up the Avenue des Champs-Elysées, Gilberte had +arrived by the Rue Boissy-d'Anglas, Mademoiselle having taken advantage +of the fine weather to go on some errand of her own; and M. Swann was +coming to fetch his daughter. And so it was my fault; I ought not to +have strayed from the lawn; for one never knew for certain from what +direction Gilberte would appear, whether she would be early or late, and +this perpetual tension succeeded in making more impressive not only the +Champs-Elysées in their entirety, and the whole span of the afternoon, +like a vast expanse of space and time, on every point and at every +moment of which it was possible that the form of Gilberte might appear, +but also that form itself, since behind its appearance I felt that there +lay concealed the reason for which it had shot its arrow into my heart +at four o'clock instead of at half-past two; crowned with a smart hat, +for paying calls, instead of the plain cap, for games; in front of the +Ambassadeurs and not between the two puppet-shows; I divined one of +those occupations in which I might not follow Gilberte, occupations +that forced her to go out or to stay at home, I was in contact with the +mystery of her unknown life. It was this mystery, too, which troubled +me when, running at the sharp-voiced girl's bidding, so as to begin our +game without more delay, I saw Gilberte, so quick and informal with +us, make a ceremonious bow to the old lady with the _Débats_ (who +acknowledged it with "What a lovely sun! You'd think there was a fire +burning.") speaking to her with a shy smile, with an air of constraint +which called to my mind the other little girl that Gilberte must be when +at home with her parents, or with friends of her parents, paying +visits, in all the rest, that escaped me, of her existence. But of that +existence no one gave me so strong an impression as did M. Swann, who +came a little later to fetch his daughter. That was because he and Mme. +Swann--inasmuch as their daughter lived with them, as her lessons, +her games, her friendships depended upon them--contained for me, like +Gilberte, perhaps even more than Gilberte, as befitted subjects that had +an all-powerful control over her in whom it must have had its source, an +undefined, an inaccessible quality of melancholy charm. Everything that +concerned them was on my part the object of so constant a preoccupation +that the days on which, as on this day, M. Swann (whom I had seen so +often, long ago, without his having aroused my curiosity, when he +was still on good terms with my parents) came for Gilberte to the +Champs-Elysées, once the pulsations to which my heart had been excited +by the appearance of his grey hat and hooded cape had subsided, the +sight of him still impressed me as might that of an historic personage, +upon whom one had just been studying a series of books, and the smallest +details of whose life one learned with enthusiasm. His relations with +the Comte de Paris, which, when I heard them discussed at Combray, +seemed to me unimportant, became now in my eyes something marvellous, +as if no one else had ever known the House of Orleans; they set him +in vivid detachment against the vulgar background of pedestrians +of different classes, who encumbered that particular path in the +Champs-Elysées, in the midst of whom I admired his condescending to +figure without claiming any special deference, which as it happened none +of them dreamed of paying him, so profound was the incognito in which he +was wrapped. + +He responded politely to the salutations of Gilberte's companions, even +to mine, for all that he was no longer on good terms with my family, +but without appearing to know who I was. (This reminded me that he had +constantly seen me in the country; a memory which I had retained, but +kept out of sight, because, since I had seen Gilberte again, Swann had +become to me pre-eminently her father, and no longer the Combray Swann; +as the ideas which, nowadays, I made his name connote were different +from the ideas in the system of which it was formerly comprised, which +I utilised not at all now when I had occasion to think of him, he had +become a new, another person; still I attached him by an artificial +thread, secondary and transversal, to our former guest; and as nothing +had any longer any value for me save in the extent to which my love +might profit by it, it was with a spasm of shame and of regret at not +being able to erase them from my memory that I recaptured the years in +which, in the eyes of this same Swann who was at this moment before me +in the Champs-Elysées, and to whom, fortunately, Gilberte had perhaps +not mentioned my name, I had so often, in the evenings, made myself +ridiculous by sending to ask Mamma to come upstairs to my room to say +good-night to me, while she was drinking coffee with him and my father +and my grandparents at the table in the garden.) He told Gilberte that +she might play one game; he could wait for a quarter of an hour; and, +sitting down, just like anyone else, on an iron chair, paid for his +ticket with that hand which Philippe VII had so often held in his own, +while we began our game upon the lawn, scattering the pigeons, whose +beautiful, iridescent bodies (shaped like hearts and, surely, the lilacs +of the feathered kingdom) took refuge as in so many sanctuaries, one on +the great basin of stone, on which its beak, as it disappeared below the +rim, conferred the part, assigned the purpose of offering to the bird in +abundance the fruit or grain at which it appeared to be pecking, another +on the head of the statue, which it seemed to crown with one of those +enamelled objects whose polychrome varies in certain classical works +the monotony of the stone, and with an attribute which, when the goddess +bears it, entitles her to a particular epithet and makes of her, as a +different Christian name makes of a mortal, a fresh divinity. + +On one of these sunny days which had not realised my hopes, I had not +the courage to conceal my disappointment from Gilberte. + +"I had ever so many things to ask you," I said to her; "I thought that +to-day was going to mean so much in our friendship. And no sooner have +you come than you go away! Try to come early to-morrow, so that I can +talk to you." + +Her face lighted up and she jumped for joy as she answered: "Tomorrow, +you may make up your mind, my dear friend, I sha'n't come! + +"First of all I've a big luncheon-party; then in the afternoon I +am going to a friend's house to see King Theodosius arrive from her +windows; won't that be splendid?--and then, next day, I'm going to +_Michel Strogoff_, and after that it will soon be Christmas, and the New +Year holidays! Perhaps they'll take me south, to the Riviera; won't that +be nice? Though I should miss the Christmas-tree here; anyhow, if I do +stay in Paris, I sha'n't be coming here, because I shall be out paying +calls with Mamma. Good-bye--there's Papa calling me." + +I returned home with Françoise through streets that were still gay with +sunshine, as on the evening of a holiday when the merriment is over. I +could scarcely drag my legs along. + +"I'm not surprised;" said Françoise, "it's not the right weather for the +time of year; it's much too warm. Oh dear, oh dear, to think of all +the poor sick people there must be everywhere; you would think that up +there, too, everything's got out of order." + +I repeated to myself, stifling my sobs, the words in which Gilberte had +given utterance to her joy at the prospect of not coming back, for a +long time, to the Champs-Elysées. But already the charm with which, by +the mere act of thinking, my mind was filled as soon as it thought of +her, the privileged position, unique even if it were painful, in which +I was inevitably placed in relation to Gilberte by the contraction of a +scar in my mind, had begun to add to that very mark of her indifference +something romantic, and in the midst of my tears my lips would shape +themselves in a smile which was indeed the timid outline of a kiss. And +when the time came for the postman I said to myself, that evening as on +every other: "I am going to have a letter from Gilberte, she is going to +tell me, at last, that she has never ceased to love me, and to explain +to me the mysterious reason by which she has been forced to conceal her +love from me until now, to put on the appearance of being able to be +happy without seeing me; the reason for which she has assumed the form +of the other Gilberte, who is simply a companion." + +Every evening I would beguile myself into imagining this letter, +believing that I was actually reading it, reciting each of its sentences +in turn. Suddenly I would stop, in alarm. I had realised that, if I was +to receive a letter from Gilberte, it could not, in any case, be this +letter, since it was I myself who had just composed it. And from that +moment I would strive to keep my thoughts clear of the words which I +should have liked her to write to me, from fear lest, by first selecting +them myself, I should be excluding just those identical words,--the +dearest, the most desired--from the field of possible events. Even if, +by an almost impossible coincidence, it had been precisely the letter +of my invention that Gilberte had addressed to me of her own accord, +recognising my own work in it I should not have had the impression that +I was receiving something that had not originated in myself, something +real, something new, a happiness external to my mind, independent of my +will, a gift indeed from love. + +While I waited I read over again a page which, although it had not been +written to me by Gilberte, came to me, none the less, from her, that +page by Bergotte upon the beauty of the old myths from which Racine +drew his inspiration, which (with the agate marble) I always kept within +reach. I was touched by my friend's kindness in having procured the book +for me; and as everyone is obliged to find some reason for his passion, +so much so that he is glad to find in the creature whom he loves +qualities which (he has learned by reading or in conversation) are +worthy to excite a man's love, that he assimilates them by imitation +and makes out of them fresh reasons for his love, even although these +qualities be diametrically opposed to those for which his love would +have sought, so long as it was spontaneous--as Swann, before my day, had +sought to establish the aesthetic basis of Odette's beauty--I, who had +at first loved Gilberte, in Combray days, on account of all the unknown +element in her life into which I would fain have plunged headlong, have +undergone reincarnation, discarding my own separate existence as a thing +that no longer mattered, I thought now, as of an inestimable advantage, +that of this, my own, my too familiar, my contemptible existence +Gilberte might one day become the humble servant, the kindly, the +comforting collaborator, who in the evenings, helping me in my work, +would collate for me the texts of rare pamphlets. As for Bergotte, that +infinitely wise, almost divine old man, because of whom I had first, +before I had even seen her, loved Gilberte, now it was for Gilberte's +sake, chiefly, that I loved him. With as much pleasure as the pages that +he had written about Racine, I studied the wrapper, folded under great +seals of white wax and tied with billows of pink ribbon, in which she +had brought those pages to me. I kissed the agate marble, which was +the better part of my love's heart, the part that was not frivolous but +faithful, and, for all that it was adorned with the mysterious charm of +Gilberte's life, dwelt close beside me, inhabited my chamber, shared my +bed. But the beauty of that stone, and the beauty also of those pages +of Bergotte which I was glad to associate with the idea of my love for +Gilberte, as if, in the moments when my love seemed no longer to have +any existence, they gave it a kind of consistency, were, I perceived, +anterior to that love, which they in no way resembled; their elements +had been determined by the writer's talent, or by geological laws, +before ever Gilberte had known me, nothing in book or stone would have +been different if Gilberte had not loved me, and there was nothing, +consequently, that authorised me to read in them a message of happiness. +And while my love, incessantly waiting for the morrow to bring a +confession of Gilberte's love for me, destroyed, unravelled every +evening, the ill-done work of the day, in some shadowed part of my being +was an unknown weaver who would not leave where they lay the severed +threads, but collected and rearranged them, without any thought of +pleasing me, or of toiling for my advantage, in the different order +which she gave to all her handiwork. Without any special interest in my +love, not beginning by deciding that I was loved, she placed, side by +side, those of Gilberte's actions that had seemed to me inexplicable and +her faults which I had excused. Then, one with another, they took on +a meaning. It seemed to tell me, this new arrangement, that when I saw +Gilberte, instead of coming to me in the Champs-Elysées, going to a +party, or on errands with her governess, when I saw her prepared for +an absence that would extend over the New Year holidays, I was wrong in +thinking, in saying: "It is because she is frivolous," or "easily lead." +For she would have ceased to be either if she had loved me, and if she +had been forced to obey it would have been with the same despair in +her heart that I felt on the days when I did not see her. It shewed me +further, this new arrangement, that I ought, after all, to know what +it was to love, since I loved Gilberte; it drew my attention to the +constant anxiety that I had to 'shew off' before her, by reason of which +I tried to persuade my mother to get for Françoise a waterproof coat and +a hat with a blue feather, or, better still, to stop sending with me to +the Champs-Elysées an attendant with whom I blushed to be seen (to all +of which my mother replied that I was not fair to Françoise, that +she was an excellent woman and devoted to us all) and also that sole, +exclusive need to see Gilberte, the result of which was that, months in +advance, I could think of nothing but how to find out at what date she +would be leaving Paris and where she was going, feeling that the most +attractive country in the world would be but a place of exile if she +were not to be there, and asking only to be allowed to stay for ever +in Paris, so long as I might see her in the Champs-Elysées; and it had +little difficulty in making me see that neither my anxiety nor my +need could be justified by anything in Gilberte's conduct. She, on the +contrary, was genuinely fond of her governess, without troubling herself +over what I might choose to think about it. It seemed quite natural to +her not to come to the Champs-Elysées if she had to go shopping with +Mademoiselle, delightful if she had to go out somewhere with her mother. +And even supposing that she would ever have allowed me to spend my +holidays in the same place as herself, when it came to choosing +that place she considered her parents' wishes, a thousand different +amusements of which she had been told, and not at all that it should be +the place to which my family were proposing to send me. When she assured +me (as sometimes happened) that she liked me less than some other of +her friends, less than she had liked me the day before, because by my +clumsiness I had made her side lose a game, I would beg her pardon, I +would beg her to tell me what I must do in order that she should begin +again to like me as much as, or more than the rest; I hoped to hear her +say that that was already my position; I besought her; as though she had +been able to modify her affection for me as she or I chose, to give me +pleasure, merely by the words that she would utter, as my good or bad +conduct should deserve. Was I, then, not yet aware that what I felt, +myself, for her, depended neither upon her actions nor upon my desires? + +It shewed me finally, the new arrangement planned by my unseen weaver, +that, if we find ourselves hoping that the actions of a person who has +hitherto caused us anxiety may prove not to have been sincere, they shed +in their wake a light which our hopes are powerless to extinguish, a +light to which, rather than to our hopes, we must put the question, what +will be that person's actions on the morrow. + +These new counsels, my love listened and heard them; they persuaded it +that the morrow would not be different from all the days that had gone +before; that Gilberte's feeling for me, too long established now to +be capable of alteration, was indifference; that in my friendship with +Gilberte, it was I alone who loved. "That is true," my love responded, +"there is nothing more to be made of that friendship. It will not alter +now." And so the very next day (unless I were to wait for a public +holiday, if there was one approaching, some anniversary, the New Year, +perhaps, one of those days which are not like other days, on which time +starts afresh, casting aside the heritage of the past, declining its +legacy of sorrows) I would appeal to Gilberte to terminate our old and +to join me in laying the foundations of a new friendship. + +* * * + +I had always, within reach, a plan of Paris, which, because I could see +drawn on it the street in which M. and Mme. Swann lived, seemed to me to +contain a secret treasure. And to please myself, as well as by a sort +of chivalrous loyalty, in any connection or with no relevance at all, I +would repeat the name of that street until my father, not being, like +my mother and grandmother, in the secret of my love, would ask: "But +why are you always talking about that street? There's nothing wonderful +about it. It is an admirable street to live in because it's only a few +minutes' walk from the Bois, but there are a dozen other streets just +the same." + +I made every effort to introduce the name of Swann into my conversation +with my parents; in my own mind, of course, I never ceased to murmur it; +but I needed also to hear its exquisite sound, and to make myself +play that chord, the voiceless rendering of which did not suffice +me. Moreover, that name of Swann, with which I had for so long been +familiar, was to me now (as happens at times to people suffering from +aphasia, in the case of the most ordinary words) the name of something +new. It was for ever present in my mind, which could not, however, grow +accustomed to it. I analysed it, I spelt it; its orthography came to me +as a surprise. And with its familiarity it had simultaneously lost its +innocence. The pleasure that I derived from the sound of it I felt to +be so guilty, that it seemed to me as though the others must read my +thoughts, and would change the conversation if I endeavoured to guide it +in that direction. I fell back upon subjects which still brought me into +touch with Gilberte, I eternally repeated the same words, and it was no +use my knowing that they were but words--words uttered in her absence, +which she could not hear, words without virtue in themselves, repeating +what were, indeed, facts, but powerless to modify them--for still +it seemed to me that by dint of handling, of stirring in this way +everything that had reference to Gilberte, I might perhaps make emerge +from it something that would bring me happiness. I told my parents again +that Gilberte was very fond of her governess, as if the statement, when +repeated for the hundredth time, would at last have the effect of making +Gilberte suddenly burst into the room, come to live with us for ever. +I had already sung the praises of the old lady who read the _Débats_ +(I had hinted to my parents that she must at least be an Ambassador's +widow, if not actually a Highness) and I continued to descant on her +beauty, her splendour, her nobility, until the day on which I mentioned +that, by what I had heard Gilberte call her, she appeared to be a Mme. +Blatin. + +"Oh, now I know whom you mean," cried my mother, while I felt myself +grow red all over with shame. "On guard! on guard!--as your grandfather +says. And so it's she that you think so wonderful? Why, she's perfectly +horrible, and always has been. She's the widow of a bailiff. You can't +remember, when you were little, all the trouble I used to have to avoid +her at your gymnastic lessons, where she was always trying to get hold +of me--I didn't know the woman, of course--to tell me that you were +'much too nice-looking for a boy.' She has always had an insane desire +to get to know people, and she must be quite insane, as I have always +thought, if she really does know Mme. Swann. For even if she does come +of very common people, I have never heard anything said against her +character. But she must always be forcing herself upon strangers. She +is, really, a horrible woman, frightfully vulgar, and besides, she is +always creating awkward situations." + +As for Swann, in my attempts to resemble him, I spent the whole time, +when I was at table, in drawing my finger along my nose and in rubbing +my eyes. My father would exclaim: "The child's a perfect idiot, he's +becoming quite impossible." More than all else I should have liked to +be as bald as Swann. He appeared to me to be a creature so extraordinary +that I found it impossible to believe that people whom I knew and often +saw knew him also, and that in the course of the day anyone might run +against him. And once my mother, while she was telling us, as she did +every evening at dinner, where she had been and what she had done that +afternoon, merely by the words: "By the way, guess whom I saw at the +Trois Quartiers--at the umbrella counter--Swann!" caused to burst open +in the midst of her narrative (an arid desert to me) a mystic blossom. +What a melancholy satisfaction to learn that, that very afternoon, +threading through the crowd his supernatural form, Swann had gone to +buy an umbrella. Among the events of the day, great and small, but +all equally unimportant, that one alone aroused in me those peculiar +vibrations by which my love for Gilberte was invariably stirred. My +father complained that I took no interest in anything, because I did not +listen while he was speaking of the political developments that might +follow the visit of King Theodosius, at that moment in France as +the nation's guest and (it was hinted) ally. And yet how intensely +interested I was to know whether Swann had been wearing his hooded cape! + +"Did you speak to him?" I asked. + +"Why, of course I did," answered my mother, who always seemed afraid +lest, were she to admit that we were not on the warmest of terms with +Swann, people would seek to reconcile us more than she cared for, in +view of the existence of Mme. Swann, whom she did not wish to know. "It +was he who came up and spoke to me. I hadn't seen him." + +"Then you haven't quarrelled?" + +"Quarrelled? What on earth made you think that we had quarrelled?" +she briskly parried, as though I had cast doubt on the fiction of her +friendly relations with Swann, and was planning an attempt to 'bring +them together.' + +"He might be cross with you for never asking him here." + +"One isn't obliged to ask everyone to one's house, you know; has he ever +asked me to his? I don't know his wife." + +"But he used often to come, at Combray." + +"I should think he did! He used to come at Combray, and now, in Paris, +he has something better to do, and so have I. But I can promise you, we +didn't look in the least like people who had quarrelled. We were kept +waiting there for some time, while they brought him his parcel. He +asked after you; he told me you had been playing with his daughter--" +my mother went on, amazing me with the portentous revelation of my own +existence in Swann's mind; far more than that, of my existence in so +complete, so material a form that when I stood before him, trembling +with love, in the Champs-Elysées, he had known my name, and who my +mother was, and had been able to blend with my quality as his daughter's +playmate certain facts with regard to my grandparents and their +connections, the place in which we lived, certain details of our past +life, all of which I myself perhaps did not know. But my mother did not +seem to have noticed anything particularly attractive in that counter at +the Trois Quartiers where she had represented to Swann, at the moment +in which he caught sight of her, a definite person with whom he had +sufficient memories in common to impel him to come up to her and to +speak. + +Nor did either she or my father seem to find any occasion now to mention +Swann's family, the grandparents of Gilberte, nor to use the title of +stockbroker, topics as which nothing else gave me so keen a pleasure. +My imagination had isolated and consecrated in the social Paris a +certain family, just as it had set apart in the structural Paris a +certain house, on whose porch it had fashioned sculptures and made its +windows precious. But these ornaments I alone had eyes to see. Just as +my father and mother looked upon the house in which Swann lived as one +that closely resembled the other houses built at the same period in the +neighbourhood of the Bois, so Swann's family seemed to them to be in the +same category as many other families of stockbrokers. Their judgment was +more or less favourable according to the extent to which the family in +question shared in merits that were common to the rest of the universe, +and there was about it nothing that they could call unique. What, on the +other hand, they did appreciate in the Swanns they found in equal, if +not in greater measure elsewhere. And so, after admitting that the house +was in a good position, they would go on to speak of some other house +that was in a better, but had nothing to do with Gilberte, or of +financiers on a larger scale than her grandfather had been; and if they +had appeared, for a moment, to be of my opinion, that was a mistake +which was very soon corrected. For in order to distinguish in all +Gilberte's surroundings an indefinable quality analogous, in the scale +of emotions, to what in the scale of colours is called infra-red, a +supplementary sense of perception was required, with which love, for the +time being, had endowed me; and this my parents lacked. + +On the days when Gilberte had warned me that she would not be coming to +the Champs-Elysées, I would try to arrange my walks so that I should +be brought into some kind of contact with her. Sometimes I would lead +Françoise on a pilgrimage to the house in which the Swanns lived, making +her repeat to me unendingly all that she had learned from the governess +with regard to Mme. Swann. "It seems, she puts great faith in medals. +She would never think of starting on a journey if she had heard an +owl hoot, or the death-watch in the wall, or if she had seen a cat +at midnight, or if the furniture had creaked. Oh yes! she's a most +religious lady, she is!" I was so madly in love with Gilberte that if, +on our way, I caught sight of their old butler taking the dog out, my +emotion would bring me to a standstill, I would fasten on his white +whiskers eyes that melted with passion. And Françoise would rouse me +with: "What's wrong with you now, child?" and we would continue on our +way until we reached their gate, where a porter, different from every +other porter in the world, and saturated, even to the braid on his +livery, with the same melancholy charm that I had felt to be latent in +the name of Gilberte, looked at me as though he knew that I was one +of those whose natural unworthiness would for ever prevent them from +penetrating into the mysteries of the life inside, which it was his duty +to guard, and over which the ground-floor windows appeared conscious of +being protectingly closed, with far less resemblance, between the nobly +sweeping arches of their muslin curtains, to any other windows in the +world than to Gilberte's glancing eyes. On other days we would go along +the boulevards, and I would post myself at the corner of the Rue Duphot; +I had heard that Swann was often to be seen passing there, on his way +to the dentist's; and my imagination so far differentiated Gilberte's +father from the rest of humanity, his presence in the midst of a crowd +of real people introduced among them so miraculous an element, that even +before we reached the Madeleine I would be trembling with emotion at +the thought that I was approaching a street from which that supernatural +apparition might at any moment burst upon me unawares. + +But most often of all, on days when I was not to see Gilberte, as I +had heard that Mme. Swann walked almost every day along the Allée des +Acacias, round the big lake, and in the Allée de la Reine Marguerite, I +would guide Françoise in the direction of the Bois de Boulogne. It was +to me like one of those zoological gardens in which one sees assembled +together a variety of flora, and contrasted effects in landscape; where +from a hill one passes to a grotto, a meadow, rocks, a stream, a trench, +another hill, a marsh, but knows that they are there only to enable +the hippopotamus, zebra, crocodile, rabbit, bear and heron to disport +themselves in a natural or a picturesque setting; this, the Bois, +equally complex, uniting a multitude of little worlds, distinct and +separate--placing a stage set with red trees, American oaks, like an +experimental forest in Virginia, next to a fir-wood by the edge of the +lake, or to a forest grove from which would suddenly emerge, in her +lissom covering of furs, with the large, appealing eyes of a dumb +animal, a hastening walker--was the Garden of Woman; and like the +myrtle-alley in the Aeneid, planted for their delight with trees of one +kind only, the Allée des Acacias was thronged by the famous Beauties +of the day. As, from a long way off, the sight of the jutting crag from +which it dives into the pool thrills with joy the children who know +that they are going to behold the seal, long before I reached the +acacia-alley, their fragrance, scattered abroad, would make me feel that +I was approaching the incomparable presence of a vegetable personality, +strong and tender; then, as I drew near, the sight of their topmost +branches, their lightly tossing foliage, in its easy grace, its +coquettish outline, its delicate fabric, over which hundreds of flowers +were laid, like winged and throbbing colonies of precious insects; and +finally their name itself, feminine, indolent and seductive, made my +heart beat, but with a social longing, like those waltzes which remind +us only of the names of the fair dancers, called aloud as they entered +the ball-room. I had been told that I should see in the alley certain +women of fashion, who, in spite of their not all having husbands, were +constantly mentioned in conjunction with Mme. Swann, but most often by +their professional names;--their new names, when they had any, being +but a sort of incognito, a veil which those who would speak of them were +careful to draw aside, so as to make themselves understood. Thinking +that Beauty--in the order of feminine elegance--was governed by occult +laws into the knowledge of which they had been initiated, and that they +had the power to realise it, I accepted before seeing them, like the +truth of a coming revelation, the appearance of their clothes, of their +carriages and horses, of a thousand details among which I placed my +faith as in an inner soul which gave the cohesion of a work of art to +that ephemeral and changing pageant. But it was Mme. Swann whom I wished +to see, and I waited for her to go past, as deeply moved as though +she were Gilberte, whose parents, saturated, like everything in her +environment, with her own special charm, excited in me as keen a passion +as she did herself, indeed a still more painful disturbance (since their +point of contact with her was that intimate, that internal part of +her life which was hidden from me), and furthermore, for I very soon +learned, as we shall see in due course, that they did not like my +playing with her, that feeling of veneration which we always have for +those who hold, and exercise without restraint, the power to do us an +injury. + +I assigned the first place, in the order of aesthetic merit and of +social grandeur, to simplicity, when I saw Mme. Swann on foot, in a +'polonaise' of plain cloth, a little toque on her head trimmed with a +pheasant's wing, a bunch of violets in her bosom, hastening along the +Allée des Acacias as if it had been merely the shortest way back to her +own house, and acknowledging with a rapid glance the courtesy of the +gentlemen in carriages, who, recognising her figure at a distance, were +raising their hats to her and saying to one another that there was never +anyone so well turned out as she. But instead of simplicity it was to +ostentation that I must assign the first place if, after I had compelled +Françoise, who could hold out no longer, and complained that her legs +were 'giving' beneath her, to stroll up and down with me for another +hour, I saw at length, emerging from the Porte Dauphine, figuring for +me a royal dignity, the passage of a sovereign, an impression such as +no real Queen has ever since been able to give me, because my notion of +their power has been less vague, and more founded upon experience--borne +along by the flight of a pair of fiery horses, slender and shapely as +one sees them in the drawings of Constantin Guys, carrying on its box an +enormous coachman, furred like a cossack, and by his side a diminutive +groom, like Toby, "the late Beaudenord's tiger," I saw--or rather I +felt its outlines engraved upon my heart by a clean and killing stab--a +matchless victoria, built rather high, and hinting, through the extreme +modernity of its appointments, at the forms of an earlier day, deep down +in which lay negligently back Mme. Swann, her hair, now quite pale with +one grey lock, girt with a narrow band of flowers, usually violets, from +which floated down long veils, a lilac parasol in her hand, on her lips +an ambiguous smile in which I read only the benign condescension +of Majesty, though it was pre-eminently the enticing smile of the +courtesan, which she graciously bestowed upon the men who bowed to her. +That smile was, in reality, saying to one: "Oh yes, I do remember, quite +well; it was wonderful!" to another: "How I should have loved to! We +were unfortunate!", to a third: "Yes, if you like! I must just keep in +the line for a minute, then as soon as I can I will break away." When +strangers passed she still allowed to linger about her lips a lazy +smile, as though she expected or remembered some friend, which made them +say: "What a lovely woman!". And for certain men only she had a sour, +strained, shy, cold smile which meant: "Yes, you old goat, I know +that you've got a tongue like a viper, that you can't keep quiet for a +moment. But do you suppose that I care what you say?" Coquelin passed, +talking, in a group of listening friends, and with a sweeping wave of +his hand bade a theatrical good day to the people in the carriages. But +I thought only of Mme. Swann, and pretended to have not yet seen her, +for I knew that, when she reached the pigeon-shooting ground, she would +tell her coachman to 'break away' and to stop the carriage, so that she +might come back on foot. And on days when I felt that I had the courage +to pass close by her I would drag Françoise off in that direction; until +the moment came when I saw Mme. Swann, letting trail behind her the long +train of her lilac skirt, dressed, as the populace imagine queens to be +dressed, in rich attire such as no other woman might wear, lowering +her eyes now and then to study the handle of her parasol, paying scant +attention to the passers-by, as though the important thing for her, her +one object in being there, was to take exercise, without thinking that +she was seen, and that every head was turned towards her. Sometimes, +however, when she had looked back to call her dog to her, she would +cast, almost imperceptibly, a sweeping glance round about. + +Those even who did not know her were warned by something exceptional, +something beyond the normal in her--or perhaps by a telepathic +suggestion such as would move an ignorant audience to a frenzy of +applause when Berma was 'sublime'--that she must be some one well-known. +They would ask one another, "Who is she?", or sometimes would +interrogate a passing stranger, or would make a mental note of how she +was dressed so as to fix her identity, later, in the mind of a friend +better informed than themselves, who would at once enlighten them. +Another pair, half-stopping in their walk, would exchange: + +"You know who that is? Mme. Swann! That conveys nothing to you? Odette +de Crécy, then?" + +"Odette de Crécy! Why, I thought as much. Those great, sad eyes... But I +say, you know, she can't be as young as she was once, eh? I remember, I +had her on the day that MacMahon went." + +"I shouldn't remind her of it, if I were you. She is now Mme. Swann, the +wife of a gentleman in the Jockey Club, a friend of the Prince of Wales. +Apart from that, though, she is wonderful still." + +"Oh, but you ought to have known her then; Gad, she was lovely! +She lived in a very odd little house with a lot of Chinese stuff. +I remember, we were bothered all the time by the newsboys, shouting +outside; in the end she made me get up and go." + +Without listening to these memories, I could feel all about her the +indistinct murmur of fame. My heart leaped with impatience when I +thought that a few seconds must still elapse before all these people, +among whom I was dismayed not to find a certain mulatto banker who (or +so I felt) had a contempt for me, were to see the unknown youth, to +whom they had not, so far, been paying the slightest attention, salute +(without knowing her, it was true, but I thought that I had sufficient +authority since my parents knew her husband and I was her daughter's +playmate) this woman whose reputation for beauty, for misconduct, and +for elegance was universal. But I was now close to Mme. Swann; I pulled +off my hat with so lavish, so prolonged a gesture that she could not +repress a smile. People laughed. As for her, she had never seen me with +Gilberte, she did not know my name, but I was for her--like one of the +keepers in the Bois, like the boatman, or the ducks on the lake, to +which she threw scraps of bread--one of the minor personages, familiar, +nameless, as devoid of individual character as a stage-hand in a +theatre, of her daily walks abroad. + +On certain days when I had missed her in the Allée des Acacias I would +be so fortunate as to meet her in the Allée de la Reine Marguerite, +where women went who wished to be alone, or to appear to be wishing to +be alone; she would not be alone for long, being soon overtaken by some +man or other, often in a grey 'tile' hat, whom I did not know, and +who would talk to her for some time, while their two carriages crawled +behind. + +* * * + +That sense of the complexity of the Bois de Boulogne which made it an +artificial place and, in the zoological or mythological sense of the +word, a Garden, I captured again, this year, as I crossed it on my way +to Trianon, on one of those mornings, early in November, when in Paris, +if we stay indoors, being so near and yet prevented from witnessing the +transformation scene of autumn, which is drawing so rapidly to a close +without our assistance, we feel a regret for the fallen leaves that +becomes a fever, and may even keep us awake at night. Into my closed +room they had been drifting already for a month, summoned there by +my desire to see them, slipping between my thoughts and the object, +whatever it might be, upon which I was trying to concentrate them, +whirling in front of me like those brown spots that sometimes, whatever +we may be looking at, will seem to be dancing or swimming before our +eyes. And on that morning, not hearing the splash of the rain as on the +previous days, seeing the smile of fine weather at the corners of my +drawn curtains, as from the corners of closed lips may escape the secret +of their happiness, I had felt that I could actually see those yellow +leaves, with the light shining through them, in their supreme beauty; +and being no more able to restrain myself from going to look at the +trees than, in my childhood's days, when the wind howled in the chimney, +I had been able to resist the longing to visit the sea, I had risen and +left the house to go to Trianon, passing through the Bois de Boulogne. +It was the hour and the season in which the Bois seems, perhaps, most +multiform, not only because it is then most divided, but because it +is divided in a different way. Even in the unwooded parts, where the +horizon is large, here and there against the background of a dark +and distant mass of trees, now leafless or still keeping their summer +foliage unchanged, a double row of orange-red chestnuts seemed, as in a +picture just begun, to be the only thing painted, so far, by an artist +who had not yet laid any colour on the rest, and to be offering their +cloister, in full daylight, for the casual exercise of the human figures +that would be added to the picture later on. + +Farther off, at a place where the trees were still all green, one alone, +small, stunted, lopped, but stubborn in its resistance, was tossing +in the breeze an ugly mane of red. Elsewhere, again, might be seen +the first awakening of this Maytime of the leaves, and those of an +ampelopsis, a smiling miracle, like a red hawthorn flowering in winter, +had that very morning all 'come out,' so to speak, in blossom. And the +Bois had the temporary, unfinished, artificial look of a nursery garden +or a park in which, either for some botanic purpose or in preparation +for a festival, there have been embedded among the trees of commoner +growth, which have not yet been uprooted and transplanted elsewhere, a +few rare specimens, with fantastic foliage, which seem to be clearing +all round themselves an empty space, making room, giving air, diffusing +light. Thus it was the time of year at which the Bois de Boulogne +displays more separate characteristics, assembles more distinct elements +in a composite whole than at any other. It was also the time of day. +In places where the trees still kept their leaves, they seemed to have +undergone an alteration of their substance from the point at which they +were touched by the sun's light, still, at this hour in the morning, +almost horizontal, as it would be again, a few hours later, at the +moment when, just as dusk began, it would flame up like a lamp, project +afar over the leaves a warm and artificial glow, and set ablaze the few +topmost boughs of a tree that would itself remain unchanged, a sombre +incombustible candelabrum beneath its flaming crest. At one spot the +light grew solid as a brick wall, and like a piece of yellow Persian +masonry, patterned in blue, daubed coarsely upon the sky the leaves of +the chestnuts; at another, it cut them off from the sky towards which +they stretched out their curling, golden fingers. Half-way up the trunk +of a tree draped with wild vine, the light had grafted and brought to +blossom, too dazzling to be clearly distinguished, an enormous posy, +of red flowers apparently, perhaps of a new variety of carnation. The +different parts of the Bois, so easily confounded in summer in the +density and monotony of their universal green, were now clearly divided. +A patch of brightness indicated the approach to almost every one of +them, or else a splendid mass of foliage stood out before it like an +oriflamme. I could make out, as on a coloured map, Armenonville, the +Pré Catalan, Madrid, the Race Course and the shore of the lake. Here and +there would appear some meaningless erection, a sham grotto, a mill, for +which the trees made room by drawing away from it, or which was borne +upon the soft green platform of a grassy lawn. I could feel that the +Bois was not really a wood, that it existed for a purpose alien to the +life of its trees; my sense of exaltation was due not only to admiration +of the autumn tints but to a bodily desire. Ample source of a joy which +the heart feels at first without being conscious of its cause, without +understanding that it results from no external impulse! Thus I gazed +at the trees with an unsatisfied longing which went beyond them and, +without my knowledge, directed itself towards that masterpiece of +beautiful strolling women which the trees enframed for a few hours every +day. I walked towards the Allée des Acacias. I passed through forest +groves in which the morning light, breaking them into new sections, +lopped and trimmed the trees, united different trunks in marriage, made +nosegays of their branches. It would skilfully draw towards it a pair of +trees; making deft use of the sharp chisel of light and shade, it would +cut away from each of them half of its trunk and branches, and, weaving +together the two halves that remained, would make of them either a +single pillar of shade, defined by the surrounding light, or a single +luminous phantom whose artificial, quivering contour was encompassed +in a network of inky shadows. When a ray of sunshine gilded the highest +branches, they seemed, soaked and still dripping with a sparkling +moisture, to have emerged alone from the liquid, emerald-green +atmosphere in which the whole grove was plunged as though beneath the +sea. For the trees continued to live by their own vitality, and when +they had no longer any leaves, that vitality gleamed more brightly still +from the nap of green velvet that carpeted their trunks, or in the white +enamel of the globes of mistletoe that were scattered all the way up to +the topmost branches of the poplars, rounded as are the sun and moon in +Michelangelo's 'Creation.' But, forced for so many years now, by a sort +of grafting process, to share the life of feminine humanity, they called +to my mind the figure of the dryad, the fair worldling, swiftly walking, +brightly coloured, whom they sheltered with their branches as she +passed beneath them, and obliged to acknowledge, as they themselves +acknowledged, the power of the season; they recalled to me the happy +days when I was young and had faith, when I would hasten eagerly to the +spots where masterpieces of female elegance would be incarnate for a few +moments beneath the unconscious, accommodating boughs. But the beauty +for which the firs and acacias of the Bois de Boulogne made me long, +more disquieting in that respect than the chestnuts and lilacs of +Trianon which I was going to see, was not fixed somewhere outside myself +in the relics of an historical period, in works of art, in a little +temple of love at whose door was piled an oblation of autumn leaves +ribbed with gold. I reached the shore of the lake; I walked on as far as +the pigeon-shooting ground. The idea of perfection which I had within me +I had bestowed, in that other time, upon the height of a victoria, upon +the raking thinness of those horses, frenzied and light as wasps upon +the wing, with bloodshot eyes like the cruel steeds of Diomed, which +now, smitten by a desire to see again what I had once loved, as ardent +as the desire that had driven me, many years before, along the same +paths, I wished to see renewed before my eyes at the moment when Mme. +Swann's enormous coachman, supervised by a groom no bigger than his +fist, and as infantile as Saint George in the picture, endeavoured to +curb the ardour of the flying, steel-tipped pinions with which they +thundered along the ground. Alas! there was nothing now but motor-cars +driven each by a moustached mechanic, with a tall footman towering by +his side. I wished to hold before my bodily eyes, that I might know +whether they were indeed as charming as they appeared to the eyes of +memory, little hats, so low-crowned as to seem no more than garlands +about the brows of women. All the hats now were immense; covered with +fruits and flowers and all manner of birds. In place of the lovely gowns +in which Mme. Swann walked like a Queen, appeared Greco-Saxon tunics, +with Tanagra folds, or sometimes, in the Directoire style, 'Liberty +chiffons' sprinkled with flowers like sheets of wallpaper. On the heads +of the gentlemen who might have been eligible to stroll with Mme. Swann +in the Allée de la Reine Marguerite, I found not the grey 'tile' hats +of old, nor any other kind. They walked the Bois bare-headed. And seeing +all these new elements of the spectacle, I had no longer the faith +which, applied to them, would have given them consistency, unity, +life; they passed in a scattered sequence before me, at random, without +reality, containing in themselves no beauty that my eyes might have +endeavoured as in the old days, to extract from them and to compose in +a picture. They were just women, in whose elegance I had no belief, +and whose clothes seemed to me unimportant. But when a belief vanishes, +there survives it--more and more ardently, so as to cloak the absence +of the power, now lost to us, of imparting reality to new phenomena--an +idolatrous attachment to the old things which our belief in them did +once animate, as if it was in that belief and not in ourselves that the +divine spark resided, and as if our present incredulity had a contingent +cause--the death of the gods. + +"Oh, horrible!" I exclaimed to myself: "Does anyone really imagine that +these motor-cars are as smart as the old carriage-and-pair? I dare say. +I am too old now--but I was not intended for a world in which women +shackle themselves in garments that are not even made of cloth. To what +purpose shall I walk among these trees if there is nothing left now of +the assembly that used to meet beneath the delicate tracery of reddening +leaves, if vulgarity and fatuity have supplanted the exquisite thing +that once their branches framed? Oh, horrible! My consolation is to +think of the women whom I have known, in the past, now that there is +no standard left of elegance. But how can the people who watch these +dreadful creatures hobble by, beneath hats on which have been heaped +the spoils of aviary or garden-bed,--how can they imagine the charm that +there was in the sight of Mme. Swann, crowned with a close-fitting lilac +bonnet, or with a tiny hat from which rose stiffly above her head a +single iris?" Could I ever have made them understand the emotion that +I used to feel on winter mornings, when I met Mme. Swann on foot, in an +otter-skin coat, with a woollen cap from which stuck out two blade-like +partridge-feathers, but enveloped also in the deliberate, artificial +warmth of her own house, which was suggested by nothing more than the +bunch of violets crushed into her bosom, whose flowering, vivid and blue +against the grey sky, the freezing air, the naked boughs, had the same +charming effect of using the season and the weather merely as a setting, +and of living actually in a human atmosphere, in the atmosphere of this +woman, as had in the vases and beaupots of her drawing-room, beside the +blazing fire, in front of the silk-covered sofa, the flowers that looked +out through closed windows at the falling snow? But it would not have +sufficed me that the costumes alone should still have been the same as +in those distant years. Because of the solidarity that binds together +the different parts of a general impression, parts that our memory keeps +in a balanced whole, of which we are not permitted to subtract or to +decline any fraction, I should have liked to be able to pass the rest +of the day with one of those women, over a cup of tea, in a little house +with dark-painted walls (as Mme. Swann's were still in the year after +that in which the first part of this story ends) against which would +glow the orange flame, the red combustion, the pink and white flickering +of her chrysanthemums in the twilight of a November evening, in moments +similar to those in which (as we shall see) I had not managed to +discover the pleasures for which I longed. But now, albeit they had led +to nothing, those moments struck me as having been charming enough in +themselves. I sought to find them again as I remembered them. Alas! +there was nothing now but flats decorated in the Louis XVI style, all +white paint, with hortensias in blue enamel. Moreover, people did not +return to Paris, now, until much later. Mme. Swann would have written to +me, from a country house, that she would not be in town before February, +had I asked her to reconstruct for me the elements of that memory which +I felt to belong to a distant era, to a date in time towards which it +was forbidden me to ascend again the fatal slope, the elements of that +longing which had become, itself, as inaccessible as the pleasure that +it had once vainly pursued. And I should have required also that they +be the same women, those whose costume interested me because, at a time +when I still had faith, my imagination had individualised them and had +provided each of them with a legend. Alas! in the acacia-avenue--the +myrtle-alley--I did see some of them again, grown old, no more now +than grim spectres of what once they had been, wandering to and fro, in +desperate search of heaven knew what, through the Virgilian groves. They +had long fled, and still I stood vainly questioning the deserted paths. +The sun's face was hidden. Nature began again to reign over the Bois, +from which had vanished all trace of the idea that it was the Elysian +Garden of Woman; above the gimcrack windmill the real sky was grey; the +wind wrinkled the surface of the Grand Lac in little wavelets, like +a real lake; large birds passed swiftly over the Bois, as over a real +wood, and with shrill cries perched, one after another, on the great +oaks which, beneath their Druidical crown, and with Dodonaic majesty, +seemed to proclaim the unpeopled vacancy of this estranged forest, and +helped me to understand how paradoxical it is to seek in reality for the +pictures that are stored in one's memory, which must inevitably lose +the charm that comes to them from memory itself and from their not +being apprehended by the senses. The reality that I had known no longer +existed. It sufficed that Mme. Swann did not appear, in the same attire +and at the same moment, for the whole avenue to be altered. The places +that we have known belong now only to the little world of space on which +we map them for our own convenience. None of them was ever more than a +thin slice, held between the contiguous impressions that composed our +life at that time; remembrance of a particular form is but regret for a +particular moment; and houses, roads, avenues are as fugitive, alas, as +the years. + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SWANN’S WAY *** + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the +United States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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