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diff --git a/7427-8.txt b/7427-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e504f43 --- /dev/null +++ b/7427-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4364 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Toasts, by William Pittenger + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Toasts + And Forms of Public Address for Those Who Wish to Say the + Right Thing in the Right Way + +Author: William Pittenger + + +Release Date: February, 2005 [EBook #7427] +This file was first posted on April 28, 2003 +Last Updated: May 13, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TOASTS *** + + + + +Produced by Ted Garvin, William Flis and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + + + + TOASTS + + AND FORMS OF PUBLIC ADDRESS + + FOR THOSE WHO WISH TO SAY + + THE RIGHT THING IN THE RIGHT WAY + + + BY + + WILLIAM PITTENGER + + + + +CONTENTS + + +INTRODUCTION +AFTER-DINNER SPEECHES--ANCIENT AND MODERN +VALUE OF A GOOD STORY AND HOW TO INTRODUCE IT +PURPOSE OF AFTER-DINNER SPEAKING +SOME A B C DIRECTIONS FOR MAKING SPEECHES, TOASTS, AND RESPONSES +HOLIDAY SPEECHES + Fourth of July + Memorial Day + Washington's Birthday + Christmas + Thanksgiving +PRESENTATION ADDRESSES +ADDRESSES OF WELCOME +WEDDING AND OTHER ANNIVERSARIES +TOASTS + Sentiments Suggested by a Toast + Miscellaneous Toasts + Humorous Toasts +MISCELLANEOUS ADDRESSES + Centennial or Semi-Centennial + Dedication of a Monument or Unveiling a Statue + Birthday Celebration + Reception + Responses to Toasts at a Dinner + Responses to Toasts to The Navy + Responses to Toasts to General Jackson + Responses to Toasts to The Workingman + Nominating a Candidate + Accepting a Nomination + Speech in a Political Canvass + Speech after a Political Victory + Speech after a Political Defeat + A Chairman's or President's Speech + For Any Occasion +ILLUSTRATIVE AND HUMOROUS ANECDOTES +INDEX OF TOASTS +INDEX OF ANECDOTES + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + +The author of this manual has at various intervals prepared several +treatises relating to the art of speech. Their wide circulation is an +indication of the demand for works upon this subject. They were intended +to embrace the principles which govern speech-making in the forum, in the +pulpit, or at the bar. While these do not differ essentially from the +principles applicable to occasions where the object is only entertainment, +yet there are certain well-defined differences which it is the purpose of +this little volume to point out. We hope thus to render the same service to +a person who is called upon to offer or respond to a toast in a convivial +assembly, as the author's previous volumes rendered to those preparing to +speak upon subjects of a serious and practical nature. + +That help is needed, and may be afforded, no one will deny. A novice called +upon to participate in the exercises of a public banquet, an anniversary, +or other entertainment, unless he has an experienced friend to give him a +few hints or advice, is apt to be dismayed. He does not even know how to +make a start in the work of preparation, and his sense of inability and +fear of blundering go far to confuse and paralyze whatever native faculty +he may have. A book like this comes to him at such a time as reinforcements +to a sorely pressed army in the very crisis of a battle. As he reads, some +ideas which seem practical, flash upon him. He learns what others before +him have done. If he is to offer a toast, he examines the list furnished +in this volume, finding one perhaps that pleases him, or one is suggested +which is better adapted to his purpose than any in the book, and he wonders +at the stupidity of the author in omitting it. Soon he becomes quite +interested in this suggested toast, and compares it with those in the list +to find out wherein it differs. Thus gradually and unconsciously he has +prepared himself for the part he is to perform. + +Or if invited to respond to a toast, he passes through a similar +experience. He may find the outline of a speech on that very topic; he +either uses it as it is printed or makes an effort to improve it by +abridgment or enlargement. Next he looks through the treasury of anecdotes, +selects one, or calls to mind one he has read elsewhere which he considers +better. He then studies both of them in their bearings on the subject +upon which he is to speak, and longs for the hour to arrive, when he will +surprise and delight his friends by his performance. He rises to speak +conscious that he knows a great deal, not only about the toast assigned to +him, but about other toasts as well--feels that he has something to say +which, at least, will fill in the time, and save him from confusion and +discredit. He even hopes to win applause by means of the stories and happy +turns with which his speech is interspersed. + +He has thus satisfactorily taken the first step toward becoming a ready and +entertaining after-dinner speaker. The sense of knowing how to do what is +expected of him has a wonderfully quieting effect upon his nerves; and thus +the study of this book will greatly add to the confidence of a speaker, and +the effectiveness of his delivery. Whatever graces of manner he possesses +will become available, instead of being subverted by an overmastering fear. + +It is not easy to mention all the uses of such a manual. One who has been +accustomed to speaking, but fears he is getting into a rut, can turn to +this text-book and find something which is _not_ so distressingly his +own, that his friends expect him to parade it before them on all occasions. + +He may glance over the outline of a speech altogether new and strange to +him, and endeavor to adapt it to his own use; or he may weave together +fragments of several speeches, or take the framework of one and construct +upon it a speech which will enable him to make a new departure. A writer +sometimes, after years of practice, finds it difficult to begin the +composition of some simple reception or commemorative address; but the +reading of a meagre outline, not one word or idea of which may be directly +used, serves to break the spell of intellectual sloth or inertia, and +starts him upon his work briskly and hopefully. + +The field covered by the present volume is not entirely unoccupied. One of +the earliest publications in this line is an anonymous English work, very +dignified and conservative. The speeches it furnishes are painstaking, but +a trifle heavy, and savor so much of English modes of expression, as well +as thought and customs, as to be poorly adapted to this country. Two works +have appeared in this country, also, one being intended apparently for +wine parties only; the other, while containing a number of gem-like little +speeches, fails to give the aid which is sought by the ordinary tyro, and +is calculated rather to discourage him; giving him the impression that it +is more difficult to become an acceptable after-dinner speaker than he had +ever supposed. While a few of the best things in the latter volume are +availed of, a different method is pursued in the present work. Outlines +of speeches are preferred to those which are fully elaborated; and the +few plain rules, by which a thing so informal and easy as an after-dinner +speech may be produced, are so illustrated as to make their application +almost a matter of course. Good-humor and brevity, an outline and a +story--what more is needed, unless it be that serene self-confidence which +enables a speaker to say even foolish and absurd things, with the assurance +that all goes down at a public dinner? What if you are not the most +brilliant, humorous, and stirring speaker of the evening? Aim to fill your +place without discredit; observe closely those who make a great success; +the next time you may have a better outline or more telling story, and +become, before you know it, the leader of the evening. + +It is not intended to give rules or directions for the order either +of drinking or feasting. That field is fully occupied. But the custom +of making addresses at the close of a feast has, been so thoroughly +established, and so frequent are these occasions, that a gentleman is not +fully equipped for a place in society, if he cannot gracefully offer or +respond to a toast, or preside at a gathering where toasts or other forms +of after-dinner speaking are expected. It is the aim of this manual to help +the beginner in this field. + + + + +AFTER-DINNER SPEECHES--ANCIENT AND MODERN + + +An idea of the real meaning of after-dinner speaking may be obtained from +the feudal feasts of earlier times. The old lord or baron of the Middle +Ages partook of his principal meal in the great hall of his castle, +surrounded by guests, each being assigned his place in formal order and +with no small degree of ceremony. This hall was the main feature of the +castle. There all the family and guests met on frequent festal occasions, +and after the feasting and the hour of ceremony and more refined +entertainment was over, retired to rest in comparatively small and humble +apartments adjoining, though sometimes they would simply wrap their cloaks +about them, and lie down to sleep on the rushes that littered the floor of +the great hall. + +After the "rage of hunger was appeased"--which then, as in our day, and +back even as far as the time of the ancient Greeks, was the first business +in order--came the social hour, which meant much to the dwellers in those +dull, comfortless old barracks--for the great castles of that day were +little better than barracks. The chief gave the signal for talk, music, or +story, previous to which, any inquiries or conversation, other than the +briefest question and answer about the food or other necessary things, +would have been considered inappropriate and disrespectful. There probably +was present some guest, who came under circumstances that awakened the +strongest curiosity or who had a claim upon his entertainer. Such a guest +was placed at the board in a position corresponding to his rank. + +After resting and partaking of the repast, it was pertinent to hear what +account he could give of himself, and courtesy permitted the host to +levy an intellectual tax upon him, as a contribution to the joy of the +hour. Seated at the head of the table the chief, or, in his absence, a +representative, made the opening speech--the address of welcome, to use the +term familiar to ourselves. This might be very brief or at considerable +length; it might suggest inquiries of any of the company or merely pledge +an attentive and courteous hearing to whatever the guest might utter; it +might refer to the past glory of the castle and its lord, or vaunt its +present greatness and active occupation. + +But whatever form it might take it was sure to consist--as addresses of +welcome in all ages have done--of two words, by dexterously using which, +any man can make a good speech of this character. These two words are "We" +and "You;" and all else not connected with these is irrelevant and useless. +They do not constitute two parts of the same speech but ordinarily play +back and forth, like a game of battledore. Who "we" are; what "we" have +done; how "we" saw "you;" what "we" have heard of "you;" how great and good +"you" are thought to be; the joy at "your" coming; what "we" now want to +learn of "you;" what "we" wish "you" to do; how "we" desire a longer stay +or regret the need of an early departure--all is a variation of the one +theme--"we" and "you." + +The old Baron probably said all of this and much more in a lordly way, +occupying a longer or shorter time, without ever dreaming that he was +making a speech. It was his ordinary after-dinner talk to those whom chance +or fortune brought within his walls. Or, if he prided himself upon being a +man of few words, scorning these as fit only for women and minstrels, he +would simply remind the guest that he was now at liberty to give such an +account of himself, and to prefer such requests as seemed agreeable to him. + +The guest was then expected to respond, though this by no means was the +rule. The host might wish first to call out more of his own intellectual +treasures. This he would do by having other occupants of the castle speak +further words of welcome, or would call upon a minstrel to sing a song or +relate some deed of chivalry. + +When the guest at last rises to speak, it is still the two pronouns with +slightly changed emphasis that play a conspicuous part. The "we" may become +"I;" but this is no essential change. Where "I" or "we" have been; what "I" +have done, suffered, or enjoyed; how and why "I" came here; how glad "I" am +to be here; what "I" have known and heard of "you;" how "we" may help each +other; what great enterprises "we" can enter upon; how thankful for the +good cheer and good words "we" hear. + +In the baronial hall, which foreshadowed the family fireside of later +days, the drinking was free and copious whilst the other portions of the +entertainment were of a general character and quite protracted. Mirth, +song, the rude jest, anecdotes of the chase or of a battle, or a rehearsal +of the experiences of every-day life, were all in place. Sometimes, the +guests, overpowered by their libations, are said to have fallen under the +table and to have slumbered there till surprised by the pale morning light. +There was little need of ceremony in such feasts, and there is little need +of formality or constraint in the far different festal occasions of the +present time. + +When no guest, either by chance or invitation came to the castle, less +variety could be given to the after-dinner entertainment, and many +expedients were required to pass the long hours that sometimes hung heavily +on their hands. Then the use of "Toasts" became an important feature. The +drinking also was expected to arouse interest, but if it went on in silence +and gloom or amid the buzz of trivial conversation in different parts +of the hall the unity of the hour was marred and the evening was voted +dull--the lord himself then having no more honor than his meanest vassal. +But the toast--no matter how it originated--remedied all this. A compliment +and a proverb, a speech and a response, however rude, fixed the attention +of every one at the table, and enabled the lord to retain the same +leadership at the feast that he had won in the chase or in battle. He might +himself propose a toast of his own choice or give another permission to +propose it. He might then designate some humorous or entertaining clansman +to respond; he might either stimulate or repress the zeal of the guests, +and give unity to each part of the entertainment and to the whole feast. +For these reasons the toast rose into popularity, and is now often +used--possibly it might be said generally used if our own country alone be +considered--even when no drinking at all is indulged in. + +Let us now take a look at an after-dinner hour of the present day; one +of the very latest and most approved pattern. The contrast will not be +without interest and value. The fare at the dinner is always inviting. The +company is large. Good speakers are secured in advance. Each is given an +appropriate toast, either to propose or respond to. Suppose it is a New +England society celebrating Forefathers' Day in New York. The chairman (who +is usually the president of the society) rises, and by touching a bell, +rapping on the table, or in some other suitable manner, attracts all eyes +to himself. He then asks the meeting to come to order, or if he prefers the +form, to give attention. Then he utters a few graceful commonplaces, and +calls upon a guest to offer the leading toast--not always the chief or most +interesting one. When one is reached in which there is a lively interest, +some distinguished person such as Chauncey M. Depew, the prince of +after-dinner speakers, comes to the front. We give an outline of one of his +addresses on Forefathers' Day, delivered December 22d, 1882, in response to +the toast, "The Half Moon and the Mayflower." + +In reading this address the "We" and "You" cannot fail to be noted. Mr. +Depew said he did not know why he should be called upon to celebrate his +conquerors. The Yankees had overcome the Dutch, and the two races are +mingled. The speaker then introduced three fine stories--one at the expense +of the Dutch who are slow in reaching their ends. A tenor singer at the +church of a celebrated preacher said to Mr. Depew, "You must come again, +the fact is the Doctor and myself were not at our best last Sunday +morning." The second related to the inquisitiveness of a person who +expressed himself thus to the guide upon the estate of the Duke of +Westminster: "What, you can't tell how much the house cost or what the farm +yields an acre, or what the old man's income is, or how much he is worth? +Don't you Britishers know anything?" The third story, near the close, set +off Yankee complacency. A New England girl mistook the first mile-stone +from Boston for a tombstone, and reading its inscription "1 M. from +Boston," said "I'm from Boston; how simple; how sufficient." + +The serious part of the discourse was a rapid statement of the principles +represented by the Dutch pioneer ship "Half Moon" and the Pilgrim +"Mayflower;" the elements of each contributed to national character and +progress. (For speech in full see _Depew's Speeches_, Vol. I.) + +Other toasts and responses followed; eloquence and humor mingled until the +small hours of the night. Probably not one of that pleased and brilliant +assemblage for a moment thought that they were doing at this anniversary +what their old, barbaric ancestors did nightly, while resting after a +border foray or Viking sea raid. + + + + +THE VALUE OF A GOOD STORY AND HOW TO INTRODUCE IT. + + +No matter how inexperienced a speaker may be or how stammering his +utterance, if he can tell a good story, the average dinner party will +pronounce him a success, and he will be able to resume his seat with a +feeling of satisfaction. The efforts often made to bring in an entertaining +story or a lively anecdote are sometimes quite amusing, but if they come +in naturally the effect will unquestionably be happy. Almost any story, by +using a little skill, can be adapted to nearly every occasion that may +arise. We may mention a few among which a speaker can scarcely fail to find +something to serve his purpose. + +It is necessary always to be thoroughly familiar with the story and to +understand its exact point. No matter how deliberately or with what +difficulty you approach that part of your speech where the fun is to +be introduced--yet, when that point _is_ reached there must be no +hesitation. It is well to memorize carefully the very words which express +the pun, or the flash of wit or humor which is the climax of the story. The +story itself may be found in such a manual as this, or in some volume of +wit and humor. + +There is no disadvantage in using wit gathered from any source, if it has +not been so often used as to be completely worn out. When a good story is +found anywhere and fully memorized and all its bearings and fine points +thoroughly understood, there are two ways of getting it before an audience. +The direct way is to say frankly that you have read a story and will tell +it. This will answer very nicely when called upon for a speech. Few festive +audiences are unwilling to accept a story for a speech, and a proposal to +compromise on such terms is very likely in itself to bring applause. But +the story in this case should be longer than if it is given as part of a +speech. If, however, it should prove a failure, your performance will make +a worse impression than when a poor story is introduced into a speech, +although the story may only feebly illustrate any portion of it. + +For these as well as other reasons most persons will prefer to make an +address, even if it be very brief, and will endeavor to make the story fit +into it. All stories that suggest diffidence, modesty, backwardness, or +unwillingness to undertake great things, can be introduced to show how +reluctant the speaker is to attempt a speech, and if these characteristics +are only slightly referred to in the story it may still be used effectively +and will leave a favorable impression. + +If a topic, a toast, or a sentiment is given for a response, any of them +may suggest a story; and after a good story has been told--one that has +real point--it will be better to stop without making any attempt at +application or explanation. + +A great help is often found in the utterances of previous speakers. If +these have done well, they may be complimented, and the compliment so +contrived as to lead directly up to the story that is lying in wait; or +something being said with which you heartily agree--however slight a +portion of the address it may be--this harmony of views can be used in the +same manner. On the other hand, if you disagree with any of the speakers, +the mere reference to it will excite a lively interest. If this difference +is used, not as the basis of a serious argument, but only to drag in a +story illustrating the disagreement, the story will nevertheless appear to +be very appropriate. + +If you happen to be the first speaker, you are by no means without +resources. You can then imagine what other speakers are going to say, and +if you can slip in a humorous or good-natured hit at the expense of some of +the prominent speakers, it will be, highly relished. If you describe what +they are likely to say it will be enjoyed, while if you should happen to +mention the very opposite this will be set down as your intention. You may +even describe the different speakers, and be reminded of things that will +bring in the prepared story very appropriately. + +The writer once knew of a very dull speaker, who scored a great success in +a popular meeting, by describing the eloquent speaker who was to follow. +He began by telling how he was accustomed when a boy to take a skiff and +follow in the wake of a steamer, to be rocked in its waves, but once +getting before the huge vessel his boat was swept away, and he was nearly +drowned. This unfortunately was his situation now, and he was in danger of +being swept aside by the coming flood of eloquence. But he asked who is +this coming man? It was the first time he had heard of him--then followed +the story he had been trying to work in--a story wherein the eloquent man +was described as "one who could give seventeen good reasons for anything +under heaven." The story was a great success. In dumb show, the speaker he +referred to begged for mercy. This only delighted the audience still more, +and when the dull speaker finished it was admitted that, for once, he had +escaped being stupid or commonplace. He had also forced upon the next +speaker the necessity of removing the unpleasant effects of the jokes made +at his expense, a task that required all his cleverness. + +The manner of introduction by the chairman, his name or general position, +the appearance of any one of the guests, the lateness or earliness of +the hour, events of the day that attract interest, the nature of the +entertainment or assemblage--all of these will offer good hooks by which +to draw in the story. But let the story be good and thoroughly mastered. +Of course the work of adaptation will be much easier if you have several +stories in reserve. A story must not be repeated so often that it becomes +known as belonging to you, for then a preceding speaker might get a laugh +on you by telling it as yours, leaving you bankrupt. + +Jones and Smith once rode several miles in a carriage, together, to a town +where both were to make addresses. Jones was quite an orator; Smith had +a very retentive memory. Jones asked Smith about his speech, but Smith +professed not to have fully decided upon his topic, and in turn asked Jones +the same question. Jones gave a full outline of his speech, Smith getting +him to elaborate it by judicious inquiries as to how he would apply one +point and illustrate another. The ride thus passed pleasantly for both +parties. Smith was called upon to speak first, and gave with telling effect +what he had gathered from Jones, to the delight of everybody, but poor +Jones, who listened in utter consternation, and had not strength enough +left even to reclaim his stolen property. + +If your speech is to be a story it is especially advisable to have +a reserve on hand, for stories are easily copied and apt to be long +remembered. Care also must be taken that the story is not one with which +persons generally are familiar. A gentleman was in the habit of telling a +story which has already been quoted, the point of which lies in the phrase +"I'm from Boston." Some of his more intimate companions, in self-defense, +would exclaim when he proposed a story, "Is it a mile from Boston?" + +The definition of the toast itself or of any of the words in the sentiment +which is the speaker's topic may be made the occasion for drawing in the +illustrative story. + +The manner of ending a good story is also worthy of careful study. When an +audience is applauding a palpable "hit," it does not seem an appropriate +time to stop and take one's seat; but it often is the best course. To do +this appears so abrupt that the novice is apt to make a further effort +to finish up the subject till he has finished up his audience as well. +An attempt to fully discuss a topic, under such circumstances, is not +successful once in a hundred times. The best course is to follow an apt +story by some proverb, a popular reference, or a witty turn, and then to +close. But no abruptness will be disliked by your hearers half so much, +as the utterance of a string of commonplaces, after you have once secured +their attention. The richness of the dessert should come at the close, not +at the beginning, of the oratorical feast. + + + + +THE PURPOSE OF AFTER-DINNER SPEAKING + + +Briefly stated, it is to bring into one focus the thought of an assembly. +While the good things of the table may be satisfactory, and conversation +free and spontaneous, there is yet need of some expedient for making all +thought flow in one channel, and of blending the whole company into a true +unity. There is one way, and only one, of doing this--the same that is +used to produce unity of action and thought in any assembly, for whatever +purpose convened. When the destinies of empires are at stake, when great +questions that arise among men are to be solved, the art of speech must be +called into play. So after a good dinner has been enjoyed, the same potent +agency finds a field, narrower, indeed, but scarcely less operative. And +this object--of causing a whole assembly to think the same thoughts and +turn their attention to a common topic--is often well attained even when +the speeches do not aspire to great excellence or pretension to eloquence. + +A commonplace illustration will make our meaning clear. Suppose a great +reception, where many rooms are filled with invited guests. There is +conversation, but only by groups of two or three persons; refreshments are +served; larger groups begin to gather around prominent persons, but there +is the same diversity of sentiment and purpose that is to be found in a +chance crowd in a public park. The guests are not in one place, with one +accord. But now, on some pretext, the power of public speech is evoked; +perhaps a toast is offered and responded to, or a more formal address of +welcome or congratulation, or anything else suitable to the occasion. +The subject and the manner of introduction are not material, so that the +living, speaking man is brought face to face with his fellows; at once, +instead of confusion and disorder, all is order and harmony. The speaker +may hesitate in the delivery of his message, but his very embarrassment +will in some instances contribute to harmonize the thought of the assembly +even more powerfully than a more pretentious address. But a good and +appropriate speech will indelibly fix the thought, and be far more +satisfactory. + +Where no particular kind of address is indicated by the nature of the +assemblage, stories and humor will generally be highly appreciated. A good +story has some of the perennial interest that surrounds a romance, and if +it is at the same time humorous, an appeal is made to another sentiment, +universal in the human breast. If people thrill with interest in unison, +or laugh or cry together for a time, or merely give attention to the same +thoughts, there will arise a sense of fellowship and sympathy which is not +only enjoyable, but is the very purpose for which people are invited to +assemblies. + +More ordinary after-dinner speeches succeed by the aid of humorous stories +than by all other means combined. In a very ingenious book of ready-made +speeches the turning point of nearly every one depends upon a pun or other +trick of speech. While this is carrying the idea a little too far, still +it fairly indicates the importance placed upon sallies of wit or humor as +a factor in speech-making. The fellowship that comes from laughing at the +same jokes and approving the same sentiments may not be the most intimate +or the most enduring, but it is often the only kind possible, and should be +prized accordingly. + +The chief use of toasts is to call out such speeches, and thus lead the +thought of the assembly along pleasant and appropriate channels--all +prearranged, yet apparently spontaneous. + +A long speech is selfish and unpardonable. It wearies the guests, destroys +variety, and crowds others out of the places to which they have been +assigned and are entitled. When the speaking is over, the company will have +been led to contemplate the same themes, and will have rejoiced, +sympathized, and laughed in unison. + + + + +SOME A B C DIRECTIONS FOR MAKING SPEECHES, TOASTS, AND RESPONSES + + +1. Do not be afraid or ashamed to use the best helps you can get. Divest +yourself of the idea that all you need is to wait till a toast is proposed +and your name called, and then to open your mouth and let the eloquence +flow forth. The greatest genius in the world _might_ succeed in that +way, but would not be likely to venture it. Use a book and study your +subject well. + +2. Generally, it is not well to memorize word for word either what you +have written or obtained from a book, unless it is a pun or a story where +the effect depends upon verbal accuracy. But be sure to memorize toasts, +sentiments, and titles absolutely. To know the substance of your speech +well, with one or two strong points in it, is better than to have a flowery +oration weighing down your memory. + +3. If you are a novice (and these directions are given to no others), do +not aim to make a great speech, but to say a few things modestly and +quietly. A short and unassuming speech by a beginner is sure of applause. +Eloquence, if you have it in you, will come later through practice and +familiarity with your subject. + +4. If you can't remember or find a good story, invent one! Perhaps you +have scruples as to the latter. But a story is not a lie; if so, what +would become of the noble tribe of novel-writers! Mark Twain gives a very +humorous account of the way in which he killed his conscience. Probably +many speakers who retail good things might make confession in the same +direction. + +But why is it not as reputable to invent one's own story as to tell the +story some one else has invented? Does the second telling improve its +morality? Rather give heed to the quality of the story. This, and not its +origin, is the really important matter to consider. + +5. Success in after-dinner speaking is difficult or easy to attain +according to the way you go about it. If you think you must startle, +rouse, and electrify your hearers, or, worse still, must instruct them in +something _you_ think important, but about which they care nothing, +your efforts are likely to be attended by a hard and bitter experience. But +if, when a prospective speech-occasion looms up, you will reflect upon the +sentiment you wish to propose, or will get a friend to do a little planning +and suggest the easiest toast or topic, and then attempt to say just a +little, you will probably come off with flying colors. + +6. When you rise, do not be in a hurry. A little hesitation has a better +effect than too much promptness and fluency, and a little stammering or +hesitation, it may be added, will have no bad effect. In beginning, your +manner can without disadvantage be altogether lost sight of, and if +you have something to say the substance of which is good, and has been +carefully prearranged, you will be able to give utterance to it in some +form; grammatical mistakes or mispronunciation, where there is no +affectation, as well as an occasional repetition, will rarely be noticed. + +7. Above all, remember it may be assumed that your hearers are your +friends, and are ready to receive kindly what you have to say. This will +have a wonderfully steadying effect on your nerves. And if your speech +consists only of two or three sentences slowly and deliberately uttered, +they will at least applaud its brevity, and give you credit for having +filled your place on the programme respectably. + + +It has been often said that Americans are greatly ahead of the English in +general speech-making, but in pleasant after-dinner talking and addresses +they are much inferior. Probably this was once true, but if so, it is +true no longer. The reason of any former deficiency was simply want of +practice, without which no speech-making can be easy and effective. But +the importance of this kind of oratory is now recognized, and, with proper +efforts to cultivate and master it, Americans are taking the same high rank +as in other forms of intellectual effort. Lowell and Depew are acknowledged +as peers of any "toast-responder" or "after-dinner orator" the world has +ever seen. One of the chief elements of their charm consists in the good +stories they relate. Whoever has a natural faculty, be it ever so slight, +as a storyteller, will, if he gathers up and appropriates the good things +that he meets with, soon realize that he is making rapid progress in this +delightful field, and that he gains much more than mere pleasure by his +acquisitions. + +The best entertainments are not those which merely make a display of wealth +and luxury. Quiet, good taste, and social attractions are far better. The +English wit, Foote, describes a banquet of the former character. "As to +splendor, as far as it went, I admit it: there was a very fine sideboard of +plate; and if a man could have swallowed a silversmith's shop, there was +enough to satisfy him; but as to all the rest, the mutton was white, the +veal was red, the fish was kept too long, the venison not kept long enough; +to sum up all, everything was cold except the ice, and everything sour +except the vinegar." Excellence in the quality of the viands is not to +be disregarded in the choicest company. A celebrated scholar and wit was +selecting some of the choicest delicacies on the table, when a rich friend +said to him, "What! do philosophers love dainties?" "Why not?" replied the +scholar; _"do you think all the good things of this world were made only +for blockheads?"_ + + + + +HOLIDAY SPEECHES + + +FOURTH OF JULY + + +At a Fourth of July banquet, or celebration, toast may be offered to "The +Flag," to "The Day," to "Independence," to "Our Revolutionary Fathers," to +"The Nation," to any Great Man of the Past, to "Liberty," to "Free Speech," +to "National Greatness," to "Peace," to "Defensive War," to any of the +States, to "Washington" or "Lafayette," to "Our Old Ally, France," to any +of the "Patriotic Virtues," to "The Army and The Navy," to the "Memory of +any of the Battles by Land or Sea." Appropriate sentiments for any of these +may easily be devised or may be found in the miscellaneous list in this +volume. "The Constitution and the Laws" or something similar should not be +omitted. + + +SOME ITEMS THAT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE IN RESPONDING TO THESE TOASTS. + +Their order and character will depend upon the special topic. + + +Our present prosperity--the greatness and resources of our country as +compared with those of the Revolutionary epoch--the slow growth of the +colonies--the rapid growth of the States and the addition of new States +continually--what was gained by independence--did we do more than simply +prevent tyranny--the advantages an independent country possesses over a +colony, such as Canada--the perils of independence and the responsibility +of power--the romantic early history of the country--the wars that preceded +the Revolutionary conflict--the character of the struggle--the slenderness +of our resources compared with the mighty power of Britain--our ally, +France--what that nation gained and lost by joining in our quarrel--the +memories of Washington and Lafayette--the principles at stake in the +Revolution--the narrow view our fathers took of the issue at first, and +the manner in which they were led first to independence and then to +nationality--some phases of the struggle--its critical points--Trenton and +Valley Forge--Saratoga and Yorktown--our responsibilities and duties--the +questions of that day enumerated and compared with the burning questions +of the present day (which we do not enumerate here, but which the speaker +may describe or even argue if the nature of his audience, or time at his +disposal permits)--the future greatness of the nation--the probability of +the acquisition of new territory. + +Laughable incidents either from history or illustrations from any source, +must not be forgotten, for if the speech be more than a few minutes long +they are absolutely indispensable. + + +OUTLINE OF A SPEECH IN RESPONSE TO THE TOAST "THE DAY WE CELEBRATE" + +The Fourth of July has been a great day ever since 1776. Before that year +the Fourth of this month came and went like other days. But then a great +event happened: an event which made a great difference to the entire world; +the boundaries of many countries would be very different to-day if the +important event of that day had not transpired. It was a terrible blow to +the foes of humanity and even to many weak-kneed friends. The exhortation +of one of the signers of the Declaration on that day, "We must all hang +together," with the grim but very reasonable rejoinder, "If we do not, we +will assuredly hang separately." The bloodshed and suffering which followed +and which seem to be the only price at which human liberty and advancement +can be procured. We had to deal with our old friends the English very much +as the peace-loving Quaker did with the pirate who boarded his ship; taking +him by the collar Broad-brim dropped him over the ship's side into the +water, saying, "Friend, thee has no business on this ship." We have shown +that we own and can navigate the ship of State ourselves, and now we are +willing to welcome here not only John Bull but all nations of the world +when they have any friendly business with us. + +The gunpowder that has been consumed. First, during the Revolutionary war +and the second war with England; and then the powder that has been exploded +by small and large boys in the hundred and odd Fourths that have followed. + + +OUTLINE OF A SPREAD-EAGLE SPEECH IN A FOREIGN LAND + +We are so far from home that we can't hear the eagle scream or see the +lightning in his eye. Only from the almanac do we know that this is the day +of all days on which he disports himself. He was a small bird when born, +more than a hundred years ago, but has grown lively till his wings reach +from ocean to ocean, and it only requires a little faith to see him stretch +himself clear over the Western Hemisphere and the adjacent islands. Other +birds despised him on the first great Fourth, but these birds of prey, +vultures, condors and such like, with crows, as well as the smaller +Republican eagles born since, are humble enough to him now. The British +lion himself having been so often scratched and clawed by this fowl, has +learned to shake his mane and wag his tail rather amiably in our eagle's +presence, even if he has to give an occasional growl to keep his hand in. +We are proud of this bird, though we are far from home, and to-day send our +heartiest good wishes across the sea to the land we love the best. + + +OUTLINE OF A RESPONSE TO THE TOAST, "OUR COUNTRY" + +The field here is very wide. All the history of the country is appropriate, +but can only be glanced at, though a good speech might be made by dwelling +at length on some romantic incident in its history. The size and richness +of the country from the green pine forests of Maine to the golden orange +groves of California; or the prophecy of the manifest greatness of coming +destiny. Here the old but laughable story can be brought in easily about +the raw Irishman who saw a pumpkin for the first time, and was told that it +was a mare's egg, and generously given one. He had the misfortune, however, +to drop it out of his cart, when it rolled down-hill, struck a stump, burst +and frightened a rabbit, which bounded away followed by Pat, shouting: +"Shtop my colt; sure and if he is so big and can run so fast now, when just +born, what a rousing horse he will be when grown up!" + +But our country has more than merely a vast area. She has made advances in +science, art, literature, and culture of all kinds, and is destined to play +a chief part in the drama of the world's progress. + + * * * * * + +MEMORIAL DAY + + +The celebration of this day has become general and has assumed a special +and beautiful character. It might have been feared that angry passions +engendered by civil strife would predominate, but the very reverse of +this is true. Kindness and charity, tender memories of the sacrifices of +patriotism, the duty of caring for the living and of avoiding all that +might lead again to the sad necessity of war, are the sentiments nearly +always inculcated. + +The following are a few of the toasts that may be given at celebrations, or +banquets, or at the exercises that form a part of the annual decorating of +soldiers' graves: + +The Martyred Dead--the Regiments locally represented--the Army and +Navy--any Dead Soldier especially prominent--the Union Forever--the +Whole Country--Victory always for the Right--the Surviving Soldiers and +Sailors--Unbroken Peace--the Commander-in-Chief, and other officers locally +honored--any special battle whose field is near at hand--the Flag with all +its Stars undimmed. + + +SKETCH OF A SPEECH IN RESPONSE TO THE TOAST, "OUR HONORED DEAD" + +Time in its rapid flight tests many things. Thirty years ago the Southern +Confederacy, like a dark cloud full of storm and thunderings, covered the +Southern heavens. Statesmen planned, preachers prayed, women wept, and +armies as brave as ever formed in line fought, for its establishment. Blood +flowed freely, and the roar of battle filled the whole land. Many wise men +thought it would continue for ages, but lo! it has disappeared. Nothing +remains to its adherents but a memory--mournful, pathetic, and bitter. + +How different with the Old Flag that we love. It had been tested before, +but this was its supreme trial. It had been victorious in several wars. It +had sheltered new and expanding States, it had fostered higher forms of +civilization, and represented peoples and interests that were complex and +varied; but in our Civil War it was assailed as never before. The test was +crucial, but nobly was it borne. Men died in ranks as the forest goes down +before the cyclone. What sharp agony in death, and what long-continued +suffering and bereavement this implies. But the result was decisive--a +strengthening of the power and grandeur of the nation that sometimes seems +to be only too great and unquestioned. + +We have no wish by any word of ours to revive bitter feeling or stir up +strife. This hallowed day has been from the first a peacemaker. Men, +standing with uncovered heads in the presence of the dead, do not care to +utter words of reproach for the irrevocable past. We, wearing the blue, can +say to the scarred veteran wearers of the gray: "You fought well for the +lost cause. But the case was fairly tried in the awful court of war. It +took four years for the jury to agree, but the verdict has been given--a +verdict against your cause--and there is no higher court and no appeal. +There is no resurrection for the dead Confederacy; but we can offer you +something better--an equal part in the life and destiny of the most +glorious nation time has yet produced." And on their side the gray can +reply, in the words of Colonel Grady, the eloquent orator of the South, in +his speech at Atlanta: "We can now see that in this conflict loss was gain, +and defeat real and substantial victory; that everything we hoped for and +fought for, in the new government we sought to establish, is given to us in +greater measure in the old government our fathers founded." + +We do not meet on these Memorial Days to weep for the dead, as we did while +wounds were yet fresh. Time has healed the scars of war, and we can calmly +contemplate the great lesson of patriotic devotion, and rejoice that the +nation to which we belong produced men noble enough to die for that which +they valued so much. Neither do I care to say anything of human slavery, +the institution that died and was buried with the Confederacy. I had enough +to say about it while it was living. Let the dead past bury its dead. + +But we are here to foster patriotism, in view of the most tremendous +sacrifice ever willingly made by a people on the altar of nationality. That +the sacrifices of the Civil War deserve this rank will appear from the +fact that they were made--in the main--by volunteers. We were not fighting +directly to defend our altars and our fires; we were not driven to arms +to repel an invading foe; we were not hurried to the field by king or +noble; but in the first flush of manhood we offered ourselves to preserve +unimpaired the unity, the purity, the glory of our nation. So far as I have +turned over the leaves of the volume of time, I have found nothing in all +the past like this. Therefore, standing before the highest manifestation of +earthly patriotism, viewing it crowned in all the glory of self-sacrifice, +by a faithfulness which was literally in the case of hundreds of thousands +"unto death," we ask: "What is there that justifies a nation in exacting or +accepting (when freely offered) such tribute of the life-blood of its +people?" + +The two things of inestimable value which our government furnishes and +which we ought to preserve even with life itself, if the sacrifice is +needed, are liberty and law, or rather liberty _in_ law. The old world +gave law, without which human society cannot exist. But it was accompanied +with terrible suffering--as when "order reigned in Warsaw." Such law came +from masters, and made the mass of the people slaves. We have an equal +perfection of law, order, subordination, but it rises side by side with +liberty The people govern themselves--not in one form of government alone +but in affairs national, State, county, down to the smallest school +district and a thousand voluntary societies. In each the methods by which +the people's will may be made supreme in designated affairs are clearly +defined, so that the whole of united human effort is brought under the +dominion of law, even such things as general education, and yet each +affair is in the hands of the people directly concerned. For thousands of +years the principles of our complex and wonderful system of co-ordinated +government have been growing up till they have reached their fullest +perfection on our soil, and we breathe their beneficence as we breathe the +air of heaven. Men are willing to die by the tens of thousands that this +liberty under law may not perish from the world. + +... Comrades and Citizens:--We move forward to new issues and new +responsibilities. Grave dangers are now upon us. God grant that they may +not need to be met and settled in the rude shock of war. The time for +wisdom, for clear-sighted patriotism is--_now_. Labor and capital, the +foundations of law and order; the complex civilization of a nation which +now talks by lightning, and is hurled by steam over plains and mountains, +and which, doubtless, will soon fly through the air--all these are to be +settled by the men now on the stage of action. We cannot do better than to +tell you, to settle them in the spirit of the men whose great sacrifices we +to-day commemorate. + + +OUTLINE OF A SPEECH BY CHAUNCEY M. DEPEW, ON A DECORATION [MEMORIAL] DAY. + +This is one of the most interesting of national celebrations, appealing not +to pride, but to tender personal memories. But we must not give ourselves +up wholly to sadness or mourning. The story of issues and results must be +told. + +Why did our heroes die? On account of the cancer of slavery and the +resulting doctrine of State Rights. Nationality and liberty, the opposite +view. The former was the party of action, and, therefore, though in a +minority, it was bolder and more determined. But the shell of materialism +dropped from the North, and it was aroused with electric energy when Sumter +was fired on; there was no passion, only such fervid resolve to preserve +our nation as the world never before saw. The struggle over, there were no +State trials, no prisons nor scaffolds, and the Republic, though bleeding +at every pore, said to the conquered enemy, "Come and share fully with us +all the blessings of our preserved institutions," and thus won a second +victory greater than the first. + +The wonderful intelligence of the volunteer--story of Napoleon's +soldier--"Dead on the field of honor." + +The Grand Army of the elect--the heroes of history, some of whom are +enumerated--the actual value to a nation of such heroism. To-day all that +belongs to the strife is forgiven, but its lessons are too noble and +precious ever to be forgotten. We can all, North and South, read with +enthusiasm the story of each varied and romantic campaign. + +The Confederate women first began decorating the graves of their dead with +flowers, and did not pass by the Union graves near their late foes. This +touched the heart of the nation as nothing else could have done, and enmity +melted away, and the observance of the day has become universal. + +The two great national heroes--Washington, with his wise, foresighted +"Farewell Address;" Lincoln, with his gentle spirit, his martyr death, and +his tender words, "With malice towards none, with charity for all." +Washington the Founder, Lincoln the Preserver. + + * * * * * + +WASHINGTON'S BIRTHDAY + +APPROPRIATE TOASTS + +To Washington--to The Great Men of Revolutionary Times--to The Great Man +who could not do what many modern Politicians can do--_tell a lie_--to +The Childless Father of Eighty Millions of people--to The American Model +Statesman--to The Greatest of Good Men and the Best of Great Men. + + +THOUGHTS FOR A SPEECH IN RESPONSE TO THE TOAST "WASHINGTON: GREAT AS A +SOLDIER, GREATER AS A STATESMAN, GREATEST AS A PURE PATRIOT" + +Indian, French, and English enemies. He had to make the armies with which +he conquered. He was always a safe commander, but full of enterprise +also--his character made the Union of the States and the Constitution +possible. His character the best inheritance of the American people. Other +men as great, possibly in some instances greater in a single field--his +greatness shown in the wide union of the noblest kinds of greatness, all in +harmony. + + +HUMOROUS RESPONSE BY BENJAMIN F. BUTLER TO THE TOAST, "OUR FOREFATHERS" + +"While venerating their lofty patriotism, may we emulate them in their +republican simplicity of manners." He declared that a great deal had been +said at one time and another about the democratic simplicity of our +forefathers. Suppose that the gentlemen of the present day should go back +to some of the customs of the forefathers. Suppose a man should go to a +ball nowadays in the costume in which Thomas Jefferson, "that great apostle +of democratic simplicity," once appeared in Philadelphia. What a sensation +he would create with his modest (?) costume of velvet and lace, with +knee-breeches, silk stockings, silver shoe-buckles, and powdered wig. "Even +the great father of his country had a little style about him," said the +speaker. "It was a known fact that he never went to Congress when he was +President unless he went in a coach and six, with a little cupid on the box +bearing a wreath of flowers. The coach must be yellow and the horses white, +and then the President's secretary usually followed in a coach drawn by +four horses. When Washington ascended the steps to enter the doors, he +always stopped for a moment and turned slowly around to allow an admiring +people to see the father of their country. Oh! our forefathers were +saturated with modesty and simplicity. The people of the present day have +retrograded greatly from the simplicity of their Revolutionary ancestors. I +can remember when it was impossible, years before the war, to hold a night +session of Congress. It was impossible because the members of Congress +attended dinners, and lingered over their wine. They attended dinners very +like the one we have just enjoyed, and yet there is not a man in this +company who is unfitted to attend to any public or private duties that +might demand his attention. Yes, it is true that we have departed from +the old customs, but we have advanced and not retrograded. The world has +changed, but it has changed for the better. It is growing better every day, +and don't let anybody forget it." + + * * * * * + +CHRISTMAS + + +APPROPRIATE TOASTS + +The Day of Good-will--to The Cold Weather without and the Warm Hearts +within--to The Christmas Tree, which grows in a Night and is plucked in +the Morning by the gladdest of fingers--to The Day in which Religion gives +sweetness to Social Life--Christmas Gifts; may they bless the Giver not +less than the Receiver--to The Oldest of our Festivals, which grows +mellower and sweeter with the passage of the centuries--to St. Nicholas +[or Santa Claus], the only saint Protestants worship--to A Merry Day that +leaves no heart-ache--to A Good Christmas, may sleighing, gifts, and +feasting crowd out all gambling and drunkenness. + + +SPEECH-THOUGHTS + +The good cheer enjoyed on this merriest day of the year. How the little +people look forward to it. It comes to the older ones as a joy, and yet +tender and sad with the memories of other Christmases. The religious and +the secular elements of the day. The countries where it is most observed. +The long contest between the two days, Thanksgiving and Christmas. The +compromise that Massachusetts and Virginia, New England and the South, have +unanimously agreed upon; namely, to keep both days. + + +SELECTED OUTLINE OP AN EFFECTIVE LITTLE CHRISTMAS SPEECH + +The speaker assumes that the observance of the day is becoming obsolete, +and that there are persons who wish it to die out. The assumption, though +rather strained, affords the opportunity to demolish this man of straw. +"All other kings may go, but no one can spare King Christmas, or St. +Nicholas, his prime minister. School-rooms and nurseries would rebel. +And plum pudding is too strongly entrenched in Church and State to be +dislodged. Washington Irving, with his _Sketch Book_, would protest. +Best argument of all is the worth of the Christmas entertainments. Here's +to the Festival of Festivals, and long may its honors be done by such hosts +as entertain us to-day." + + +THANKSGIVING + +Coming at the beginning of the farmer's rest, when the harvest is all +gathered, this is a very joyous festival, and more than any other abounds +in family reunions. Any toast therefore is appropriate which tells of +the harvest, of fertility, of the closing year, of the family pride and +traditions, of pleasure to young and old. At dinner, turkey and mince or +pumpkin pie will of course be served, and these national favorites must not +be forgotten by the toastmaker. + +This day, too, has an official and governmental flavor given to it by +the State and national proclamations which fix the date and invite its +observance. Usually, these enumerate the blessings enjoyed by the whole +country during the year, and suggest topics peculiarly fitting for +toasts. It is perhaps not too much to say that Thanksgiving is distinctly +_the_ American Festival, and should be honored accordingly. + + +TOASTS + +To The Inventor of Pumpkin Pie--to Peace with all Nations--to The Rulers +of our Country--to The Farmer--to Full Stomachs and Merry Hearts--to +their Excellencies, the President and the Governor; may we obey all their +commands as willingly as when they tell us to feast--Abounding Plenty; +may we always remember the Source from which our benefits come--Our two +National Fowls, the American Eagle and the Thanksgiving Turkey; may the +one give us peace for all our States and the other a piece for all our +plates--The Turkey and the Eagle; we love to have the one soar high, but +wish the other to roost low--The Great American Birds; may we have them +where we love them best, the Turkeys on our tables and the Eagles in our +pockets. + + +THOUGHTS FOR A THANKSGIVING SPEECH + +The manner in which the day was first instituted. The sore struggles and +the small beginnings of that day compared with the greatness and abounding +prosperity of the present. The warfare between Christmas and Thanksgiving, +the one being thought the badge of popery and prelacy. The Battle of the +Pies, pumpkin and mince, terminating in a treaty of peace and alliance; +and now we can enjoy the nightmare by feasting on both combined! The +national blessings of the year; the poorest have more now than kings and +emperors had five hundred years ago. Exemption from wars. Internal peace. +Willingness and habit of settling every domestic dispute by the ballot, and +not the bullet. The increasing tendency to arbitrate between nations, thus +avoiding the horrors of war. The beneficence of our government and the ease +with which its operations rest upon our shoulders. The wonderful progress +of science and invention, and the manner in which these have added to the +comfort of all the people. + +SELECTED OUTLINE FOE A THANKSGIVING SPEECH + +Why we ought to be grateful to the old Puritans, with all their faults. +Their unsuccessful warfare on plum pudding, which, like truth, "crushed +to earth," rose again. Their discovery and enshrining of Turkey. On this +day the Nation gathers as a family at the Thanksgiving board, and from all +parts of the world the wanderers come home to the family feast. The duty of +Happiness, joined to gratitude, is emphasized this day. The closing toast, +"The Federal Eagle and the Festal Turkey; may we always have peace under +the wings of the one, and be able to obtain a piece from the breast of the +other." + + + + +PRESENTATION ADDRESSES + + +Giving a present is a kind and graceful act, and should be accompanied by a +simple, short, and unaffected speech. "Take this" would have the merit of +brevity, but would fail in conveying any information as to _who_ gave, +why they gave _to the recipient_, and why _that_ present was +selected rather than another, and why _the speaker_ was chosen to +make the presentation. All of these items form a part of nearly every +presentation address, whilst some of them belong to all. + +The novice will find much help in preparing his proposed speech by +selecting a few items that are generally appropriate; afterward he can +include anything which his own genius or wishes may suggest. + +He may say that an abler speaker might have been selected for the pleasant +duty, but not one who could enter into it more heartily or with more good +wishes. He can refer to any circumstance which, if told briefly, will +show why he has been selected, notwithstanding his reluctance or sense of +unworthiness; or why he is pleased that the selection has fallen upon him. +Such reference is usually effective. + +Then the nature of the gift may be described. Here is an easy field for a +little pleasantry. If a watch, it can be said, "Your friends are growing a +little suspicious of you, and, after due deliberation, they have determined +to a place _a watch_ upon you." If a cane is the article in hand, then +the painful duty of administering punishment for offenses by _caning_ +is in order. A ring will afford an opportunity for many verbal plays. The +ring of friends about the recipient, the true ring of a bell, or of an +uncracked vase, a political ring--any of these can be made to lead up to +the little hoop of gold. The fineness of the material, its sterling and +unvarying value, the inscription on it, any specialty in its form--all +these will be found rich in suggestion. Silverware of any kind may also be +considered as to the form of the article, the use to which it is to be put, +and the purity of the metal. Hardly any article can be thought of which +will not allow some pleasant puns or _bon mots_. If a book is given, +we bring the person "to book," and the book to him. Job wished that his +enemy might write a book; we, more charitable, wish our friend to read a +book, and now offer him a good one for the purpose. The author or the title +will, if closely examined, yield some matter for play on words. + +The army presents of sword or banner, while usually more serious, do not +forbid the same kind of badinage. + +But this should form only a small portion of the speech, and consist merely +of two or three well-studied sentences, to be uttered slowly, so that their +double meaning may have time to sink in, and appear also as if they were +just thought of. A good anecdote should be introduced at this point. +It must be short, tinged with humor, and, if it succeeds in arousing +the attention of the hearers, it will be of great value. If it is very +appropriate or highly illustrative, these qualities will compensate for +humor. Indeed, a felicitous anecdote will make the whole speech a success, +if the speech is not continued too long afterward. Better suffer the +extreme penalty of reading every anecdote in this volume, and of searching +for hours in other fields, than fail to get the right one; but if +unsuccessful invent one for the occasion! + +The good qualities of the recipient must not be overlooked, especially +those in recognition of which the present is given. If anything in the +nature of the present itself can be made symbolic of these assumed good or +great qualities, it will be a happy circumstance. And while flattery should +not be excessive or too palpable, it is seldom indeed that a large dose +of "pleasant things" will not be well received by all parties on such an +occasion. + +The expression of kindly feeling and good wishes always affords a favorable +opportunity for closing. Perhaps, however, a more striking conclusion can +be made by taking advantage of the very moment when the present is handed +over to the recipient, accompanying this act with a hearty wish for its +long retention and its happy use in the manner its nature indicates. +Wishing a ring to be worn as a memento of friendship, a watch to mark the +passage of happy hours, a cane not to be needed for support, but only as a +treasured ornament, a sword to be worn with honor and only to be unsheathed +at the call of duty or of patriotism, etc. + +The reception of a gift is more easy than the presentation, but is at the +same time more embarrassing. The reception is easier, because the essential +part of the response is to say "Thank you," which are very easy words to +utter if the givers are real friends and the present is an appropriate one. +It is more embarrassing because it is always harder to receive a favor +gratefully than to give one. If the gift is a surprise, there is no harm +in saying so, though if it is not a surprise, it is not advisable to tell +an untruth about it. The recipient may say he is embarrassed, and his +embarrassment--whether real or feigned--will create sympathy for him. +Besides, he can ask for indulgence with more grace than the preceding +speaker, as he is supposed to be taken by surprise. He may be so overcome +with emotion as to break down altogether, and yet he will be loudly +applauded. + +A still stronger reason for this disparity is that the speaker representing +the givers has been selected, probably out of a large company, to make +his speech, and is thus expected to do it well; but the receiver occupies +_his_ position for a reason that has no connection whatever with +his speech-making powers. If he succeeds in expressing his gratitude +and goodwill to those who have been so generous he will have served the +essential purpose of his speech; but if, in addition, he can gather up +the points made in the presentation speech, assenting to its general +principles, accepting the humorous charges for which he is to be watched, +caned, stoned (when a diamond or other stone is given), or put to the +sword, and gently deprecates the serious flattery offered, he will be +regarded as doing exceedingly well. One phrase he will not be likely to +omit, unless "he loses his head" altogether--"When I look upon this, I will +always remember the feelings of this hour, the kind words uttered, the +appreciation shown." This word "appreciation." with the reiteration of +thanks, will make a very fitting conclusion. + + + + +ADDRESSES OF WELCOME + + +In our country the number of voluntary associations that visit similar +associations, or meet at special times and places is very large. Often such +associations are furnished with free board and lodging by the people of the +place where the assemblage occurs. Facilities for assemblage and enjoyment +are offered and other privileges tendered that are highly appreciated. +Religious bodies, church and philanthropic societies, military and fire +companies, athletic and social clubs, various orders and educational +societies, political bodies, these form only a small proportion of the +endless number of organizations convening and gathering at different +centres, gatherings which serve to keep all parts of our country in close +touch. + +It is needless to furnish model speeches for each of these, for the same +general line of remark is adapted to all. The changes of illustration +demanded by the character of the association to be welcomed, and for which +responses are to be made, will be readily understood, and a little study +of the name and character of the place of meeting will make the necessary +local allusions quite easy. The welcome and response for a fire company, or +a baseball club, will not differ much from that for a Christian Endeavor +Society. A few general hints and a little investigation by the novice will +put him on the right track in either case. + + +ADDRESS OF WELCOME + +A clear statement about those who extend the welcome and of those who are +to be welcomed is appropriate. This may be expanded advantageously by +giving a few of the characteristics of each, greater latitude being allowed +in complimenting those who are welcomed than those who entertain. It is +bad taste to spend more time in telling our guests how good and great we +are than in expressing the exalted opinion we have of them for their noble +work, their great fame, or their high purpose; or in declaring the pleasure +we feel and the honor we have in entertaining them. The warmth of the +welcome extended should be expressed in the fullest manner, and as +this is the central purpose of the whole address, it will bear _one +repetition_. A good illustrative story, brief but pointed, may be worked +in somewhere, perhaps in connection with a modest depreciation of our own +fitness or ability adequately to express the strong feelings of those we +represent, though if one can be found having a connection with the visitors +themselves, it will be still better. What we wish our visitors to do while +with us may also be appropriately referred to. If there are places of +interest for them to visit, work for them to do, or special entertainments +provided,--here is additional matter for remark. All these items may be +run through in a few minutes, and then the address should close. The most +bungling and formal welcome, if short, will be enjoyed more and be more +applauded than the most graceful and eloquent one unduly prolonged. Should +however, in spite of this warning, more "filling in" be desired of an +appropriate character, it may be found almost without limit in setting +forth the claim of the cause which both the visitors and the entertainers +represent--athletic sports, religion, benevolence, education, or what not. + + +ADDRESS IN RESPONSE + +This may be still more brief than the address of welcome. To say that the +reception is hearty, that it gives pleasure and is gratefully received +and appreciated, is all that is essential. An invitation to return the +visit should not be forgotten, if circumstances are such that it can be +appropriately made. Then the speaker has an opportunity to review any +portion of the preceding speech and express his indorsement of any of the +assertions made. He should not dissent from them, unless this dissent can +be made the means of a little adroit flattery by placing a higher estimate +upon the entertainers and their services than their own speaker has done, +or by modestly disclaiming some of the praise that has been given. The +novice must avoid being carried too far by this fascinating review, both as +to the quantity and the quality of the disagreement. + +A closing sentence may be, "Allow me once more, most heartily, to thank +you for this generous welcome to--your homes--your headquarters--to the +hospitalities of your city," as the case may be. + + + + +WEDDING AND OTHER ANNIVERSARIES + + +Another wide field for the oratory of entertainment is to be found in the +various celebrations that mark the passage of specific or notable portions +of time--centennial, semi-centennial, and quadrennial; likewise weddings, +annual, tin, paper, crystal, silver, and golden. The speeches for these +differ widely in character. They may take the form of congratulatory +addresses, of toasts and responses, or more formal addresses. All +dedications come in the same category. Generally the shorter intervals call +for light and humorous speeches, while the longer ones demand something +more grave and thoughtful. + +The following speech and response for a wooden (fifth) wedding anniversary +is taken from a volume of ready made speeches. It is a fine example of +that wit and play upon words which is never more suitable or more highly +appreciated than on such an occasion. + + +SPEECH FOR A WOODEN WEDDING + +If it is a good maxim not to halloo till you are out of the woods, our kind +host and hostess must be very quiet this evening, for it seems to me that +they are in the thick of it. If their friends had been about to burn them +alive instead of to wish them joy on their fifth wedding-day, they could +scarcely have brought a greater quantity of combustible material to the +sacrifice. What shall we say to them on this ligneous occasion? Of course, +we must congratulate them on their willingness to renew their matrimonial +vows after five years of double-blessedness. In this age of divorce it is +something worthy of note, that a pair who have been one and inseparable for +even so short a period as the twentieth part of a century, should stand up +proudly before the world and propose to strengthen the original compact +with a new one. They look as happy and contented as if they had never heard +of Chicago, or seen those tempting little advertisements in the newspapers +that propose to separate man and wife with immediate dispatch for a +reasonable consideration. Instead of going to court to cut the nuptial bond +in twain, it appears that they have been _courting_ for five years +with the view of being remarried this evening. Vaccination, it is said, +wears out in seven years, but matrimony, we see, in this instance, at +least, takes a stronger hold of the parties inoculated as time rolls on; +and although in this case they are willing to go through the operation +again, it is not for the sake of making assurance doubly sure, but in order +to enjoy marriage as a luxury. With this happy specimen of a wooden wedding +before them our young unmarried friends will see that they can go into the +_joinery_ business with but little risk of getting into the wrong +box. In fact, it is because connubial bliss beats every other species +of felicity all hollow that we have met this evening to requite it with +hollow-ware. In the name of all their friends I affectionately congratulate +the doubly-married pair on their past happiness and future prospects, and +hope they may live to celebrate their fiftieth wedding day and receive a +_golden_ reward. + + +BRIDEGROOM IN REPLY + +"For self and partner"--as men associated in business sometimes conclude +their letters--I offer to you and all our friends who have obliged us +with their presence, the thanks of the firm which renews its articles +of partnership this evening. We welcome you heartily to our home, well +knowing that your kind wishes are not like--your useful and elegant tokens +of remembrance--_hollow-ware_. When Birnam Wood came to Dunsinane, +Macbeth was conquered, and it seems to me that you have come almost as well +provided with timber as Macduff and Malcolm were. Your articles, however, +although of wood, are not of the Burn 'em kind, and I am not such a Dunce +inane as to decline accepting them. Indeed, my wife, who, notwithstanding +her matrimonial vows, has a _single eye_--to housekeeping--would not +permit me to refuse them were I so inclined. She knows their value better +than I do, and with the assistance of her kitchen cabinet will, I have no +doubt, employ them usefully. + +The speech closes with thanks and good wishes in return. + + + + +TOASTS + + +A toast may be given either with or without sentiment attached, and in +either case a response equally fitting; but in the former the subject is +narrowed and defined by the nature of the sentiment. Yet the speaker need +not hold himself closely to the sentiment, which is often made rather a +point of departure even by the ablest speakers. Indeed, the latitude +accorded to after-dinner speeches is very great, and a sentiment which +gives unity and direction to the speech made in response to it is, on that +account, of great value. + +To illustrate these points we will take the toast "Our Flag." A speech in +response would be practically unlimited in scope of treatment. Anything +patriotic, historical or sentimental, which brings in some reference to the +banner, would be appropriate. But let this sentiment be added: "May the +justness and benevolence which it represents ever charm the heart, as its +beauty charms the eye," and the outline of a speech is already indicated. +Has our nation always been just and kind? Where and how have these +qualities been most strikingly manifested? Why have we seemed sometimes +to come short of them, and how should such injustice or harsh dealing be +remedied, with as much rhetorical admixture of the waving folds and the +glittering stars as the speaker sees fit to employ. + +From these considerations may be deduced the rule that when the proposer +of a toast wishes to leave the respondent the freedom of the whole subject +he will give the toast alone, or accompanied by a motto of the most +non-committal character. But if he wishes to draw him out in a particular +direction he will put the real theme in the sentiment that follows the +toast. + + +SENTIMENTS SUGGESTED BY A TOAST + +Years ago a speaker provoked a controversy (maliciously and with no good +excuse) which scarcely came short of blows, by proposing as a toast the +name of a general of high rank, but who was unfortunate in arms. He was +a candidate for office. Added to the toast was the sentiment, "May his +political equal his military victories." This was in bad taste, indeed, but +it shows the use that can be made of the sentiment, when added to a toast, +in fixing attention in a certain direction. + +The number of sentiments suggested by the common and standard toasts is +unlimited. Take the toast "Home," as an example. + +Home: The golden setting in which the brightest jewel is "Mother." + +Home: A world of strife shut out, and a world of love shut in. + +Home: The blossoms of which heaven is the fruit. + +Home: The only spot on earth where the fault and failings of fallen +humanity are hidden under a mantle of charity. + +Home: An abode wherein the inmate, the superior being called man, can pay +back at night, with fifty per cent. interest, every annoyance that he has +met with in business during the day. + +Home: The place where the great are sometimes small, and the small often +great. + +Home: The father's kingdom; the child's paradise; the mother's world. + +Home: The jewel casket containing the most precious of all jewels--domestic +happiness. + +Home: The place where you are treated best and grumble most. + +Home: It is the central telegraph office of human love, into which run +innumerable wires of affection, many of which, though extending thousands +of miles, are never disconnected from the one great terminus. + +Home: The centre of our affections, around which our hearts' best wishes +twine. + +Home: A little sheltered hollow scooped out of the windy hill of the world. + +Home: A place where our stomachs get three good meals daily and our hearts +a thousand. + + +MISCELLANEOUS TOASTS + +These might be multiplied indefinitely, but a sufficient number are given +to serve as hints to the person who is able to make his own toasts, yet +seeks a little aid to lift him out of the common rut. + +Marriage: The happy estate which resembles a pair of shears; so joined that +they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always +punishing any one who comes between them. + +Marriage: The gate through which the happy lover leaves his enchanted +ground and returns from paradise to earth. + +Woman: The fairest work of the great Author; the edition is large, and no +man should be without a copy. + +Woman: She needs no eulogy; she speaks for herself. + +Woman: The bitter half of man. (A sour bachelor's toast.) + +Wedlock: May the single all be married and all the married be happy. Love +to one, friendship to many, and good-will to all. + +The Lady we love and the Friend we trust. + +May we have the unspeakable good Fortune to win a true heart, and the Merit +to keep it. + +Friendship: May its bark never founder on the rocks of deception. + +Friendship: May its lamp ever be supplied by the oil of truth and fidelity. + +Unselfish Friendship: May we ever be able to serve a friend, and noble +enough to conceal it. + +Firm Friendship: May differences of opinion only cement it. + +May we have more and more Friends and Need them less and less. + +May our Friend in sorrow never be a Sorrowing friend. + +Active Friendship: May the hinges of friendship never grow rusty. + +To our Friends: Whether absent on land or sea. + +Our Friends: May the present have no burdens for them and futurity no +terrors. + +Our Friends: May we always have them and always know their value. + +Friends: May we be richer in their love than in wealth, and yet money be +plenty. + +A Friend: May we never want one to cheer us, or a home to welcome him. + +Good Judgment: May opinions never float in the sea of ignorance. + +Careful Kindness: May we never crack a joke or break a reputation. + +Enduring Prudence: May the pleasures of youth never bring us pain in old +age. + +Deliverance in Trouble: May the sunshine of hope dispel the clouds of +calamity. + +Successful Suit: May we court and win all the Daughters of Fortune except +the eldest--Miss Fortune. + +Here's a Health to Detail, Retail, and Curtail--indeed, all the tails but +tell-tales. + +The Coming Millennium: When great men are honest and honest men are great. + +Our Merchant: May he have good trade, well paid. May the Devil cut the toes +of all our foes, That we may know them by their limping. + +May we Live to learn well and Learn to live well. + +A Placid Life: May we never murmur without cause, and never have cause to +murmur. + +May we never lose our Bait when we Fish for compliments. + +A Better Distribution of Money: May Avarice lose his purse and Benevolence +find it. + +May Care be a stranger and Serenity a familiar friend to every honest +heart. + +May Fortune recover her eyesight and be able to distribute her gifts more +wisely and equally. + +May Bad Example never attract youthful minds. + +May Poverty never come to us without rich compensations and hope of a +speedy departure. + +Our Flag: The beautiful banner that represents the precious _mettle_ +of America. + +American Eagle, The: The liberty bird that permits no liberties. + +American Eagle, The: May she build her nest in every rock peak of this +continent. + +American Valor: May no war require it, but may it be always ready for every +foe. + +American People, The: May they live in peace and grow strong in the +practice of every virtue. + +Our Native Land: May it ever be worthy of our heartiest love, and continue +to draw it forth without stint. + +(A spread-eagle toast.) The Boundaries of Our Country: East, by the Rising +Sun; north, by the North Pole; west, by all Creation; and south, by the Day +of Judgment. + +Our Lakes and Rivers: Navigable waters that unite all the States and render +the very thought of their separation absurd. + +Our Sons and Daughters: May they be honest as brave and modest as fair. + +America and the World: May our nation ever enjoy the blessings of the +widest liberty, and be ever ready to promote the liberties of mankind. + +Discontented Citizens: May they speedily leave their country for their +country's good. + +America: + + "Our hearts, our hopes are all with thee, + Our hearts, our hopes, our prayers, our tears, + Our faith, triumphant o'er our fears, + Are all with thee, are all with thee." + +The Patriot: + + "Breathes there a man with soul so dead, + Who never to himself hath said, + This is my own, my native land; + Whose heart hath ne'er within him burned, + As home his footsteps he hath turned + From wandering on a foreign strand?" + +Our Country: Whether bounded by Canada or Mexico, or however otherwise +bounded and described; be the measurement more or less, still Our Country; +to be cherished in our hearts and defended by our lives. + +Our Country: In our intercourse with foreign nations may she always be in +the right; and if not, may we ever be true patriots enough to get her into +the right at any cost. + +Our Country: May we render due reverence and love to the common mother of +us all. + +The Ship of State: + + "Nail to the mast her holy flag; + Set every threadbare sail; + And give her to the God of Storms, + The lightning and the gale." + +Columbia: My country, with all thy faults, I love thee still. + +Webster's Motto: Liberty and Union, now and forever, one and inseparable. + +True Patriotism: May every American be a good citizen in peace, a valiant +soldier in war. + +Our Country: May our love of country be without bounds and without a shadow +of fear. + +Our Statesmen: May they care less for party and for personal ambition than +for the nation's welfare. + +Failure to Treason: May he who would destroy his country for a mess of +pottage never get the pottage! + +The Penalty of Treason: May he who would uproot the tree of Liberty be the +first one crushed by its fall. + +The Nation: May it know no North, no South, no East, no West, but only one +broad, beautiful, glorious land. + +America: + + Dear Country, our thoughts are more constant to thee, + Than the steel to the star and the stream to the sea. + +Our Revolutionary Fathers: May their sons never disgrace their parentage. + +Our Town: The best in the land; let him that don't like it leave it. + +The Tree of Liberty: May every American citizen help cultivate it and eat +freely of its fruit. + +The Emigrant: May the man that doesn't love his native country speedily hie +him to one that he can love. + +The American Eagle: It is not healthful to try to deposit salt on his +venerable tail. + +California: The land of golden rocks and golden fruits. + +Ohio: The second Mother of Presidents. + +Vermont: A State of rocks, but producing men, women, maple sugar, and +horses. + + "The first are strong, the last are fleet, + The second and third are exceedingly sweet, + And all are uncommonly hard to beat." + +Texas: The biggest of States, and one of the very best. + +New York: Unrivalled if numbers in city and State be the test. + +Our Navy: May it always be as anxious to preserve peace as to uphold the +honor of the flag in war. + +Our Army: May it ever be very small in peace, but grow to mighty dimensions +and mightier achievement in war. + +Our Country: May the form of liberty never be used to subvert the +principles of true freedom. + +Our Voters: May they always have a standard to try their rulers by, and be +quick to punish or reward justly. + +Fortune: A divinity to fools, a helper to wise men. + +The Present: Anticipation may be very agreeable but participation is more +practical. + +The Present Opportunity: We may lay in a stock of pleasures for use in +memory, but they must be kept carefully to prevent mouldering. + +Philosophy: It may conquer past or present pain but toothache, while it +lasts, laughs at philosophy. + +Our Noble Selves: Why not toast ourselves and praise ourselves since we +have the best means of knowing all the good in ourselves? + +Charity: A link from the chain of gold that angels forge. + +Our Harvests: May the sunshine of plenty dispel the clouds of care. + +Virtue: May we have the wit to discover what is true and the fortitude to +practice what is good. + +Our Firesides: Our heads may not be sharpened at colleges, but our hearts +are graduates of the hearths. + +The True Medium: Give us good form, but not formality. + +The Excesses of Youth: They are heavy drafts upon old age, payable with +compound interest about thirty years from date. + +The Best of Good Feeling: May we never feel want nor want feeling. + +Our Incomes: May we have a head to earn and hearts to spend. + +Forbearance: May we have keen wit, but never make a sword of our tongues to +wound the reputation of others. + +Wit: A cheap and nasty commodity when uttered at the expense of modesty and +courtesy. + +Cheerfulness and Fortitude: May we never give way to melancholy, but always +be merry at the right places. + +Generosity: May we all be as charitable and indulgent as the Khan of +Tartary, who, when he has dined on milk and horseflesh, makes proclamation +that all the kings and emperors of earth have now his gracious permission +to dine. + +Economy: The daughter of Prudence, the sister of Temperance, and the parent +of Independence. + +Fidelity and Forgiveness: May our injuries be written in sand and our +gratitude for benefits in rock. + +A Good Memory: May it always be used as a storehouse and never as a +lumber-room. + +A Health to Our Dearest: May their purses always be heavy and their hearts +always be light. + +The Noblest Qualities: Charity without ostentation and religion without +bigotry. + +Discernment of Character: May Flattery never be permitted to sit in the +parlor while Plain and Kindly Dealing is kicked out into the woodshed. + +False Friends: May we never have friends who, like shadows, keep close to +us in the sunshine only to desert us in a cloudy day or in the night. + +A Competence: May we never want bread to make a toast or a good cook to +prepare it. + +The Man we Love: He who thinks most good and speaks least ill of his +neighbors. + +Human Nature as the Best Study: He who is learned in books alone may know +how some things ought to be, but he who reads men learns how things are. + +Metaphysics the Noblest of the Sciences: "When a mon wha' kens naething +aboot ony subject, takes a subject that nae mon kens onything aboot and +explains it to anither mon still more ignorant--that's Metaphysics." + +The Deeds of Men: The best interpreters of their motives. + +Love and Affection: The necessary basis for a happy life. + +Charity: A mantle of heavenly weaving used to cover the faults of our +neighbors. + +Charitable Allowances: May our eyes be no keener when we look upon the +faults of others than when we survey our own. + +Cheerful Courage: "May this be our maxim whene'er we are twirled, A fig for +the cares of this whirl-a-gig world." + +A Golden Maxim: To err is human, to forgive divine. + +Prudence in Speech: The imprudent man reflects upon what he has said, the +wise man upon what he is going to say. + +Thought and Speech: It is much safer to always think what we say than +always to say what we think. + +Everybody: May no one now feel that he has been omitted. + +Fame: The great undertaker who pays little attention to the living but +makes no end of parade over the dead. + +The Chatterbox: May he give us a few brilliant flashes of silence. + +Discretion in Speech: May we always remember the manner, the place, and the +time. + +A Happy Future: May the best day we have seen be worse than the worst that +is to come. + + +HUMOROUS TOASTS. + +To a Fat Friend: May your shadow never grow less. + +May every Hair of your head be as a shining Candle to light you to glory. + +Long Life to our Friends: May the chicken never be hatched that will +scratch on their graves. + +Confusion to the Early Bird: May it and the worm both be picked up. + +The Nimble Penny: May it soon grow into a dime and then swell into a +dollar. + +To a Sovereign: not the kind that sits on a throne, but the one that lies +in our pocket. + +Our Land: May we live happy in it and never be sent out of it for our +country's good. + +Three Great Commanders: May we always be under the orders of General Peace, +General Plenty, and General Prosperity. + +The Three Best Doctors: May Doctor Quiet, Doctor Diet, and Doctor Good +Conscience ever keep us well. + +The Health of that wise and good Man who kept a Dog and yet did his own +barking! + +Here's to the health of ----: The old bird that was not caught with chaff. + +The Health of those we Love the beet; Our noble selves. + + + + +MISCELLANEOUS ADDRESSES + + +Every year new occasions arise that point to a new order of celebrations. +Until recently there were no centennial celebrations. Once inaugurated +these suggested semi-centennial and quarter-century ones, and as the +country advanced in years there came the bi-centennial and ter-centennial. +And the attention of the civilized globe was called to our +fourth-centennial by the unrivalled and wonderful display at the World's +Exhibition in Chicago. + +In this chapter are given outlines of a miscellaneous character, some +original and some selected. + +OUTLINE OF CHAUNCEY M. DEPEW'S ADDRESS AT THE CENTENNIAL OF CAPTURE OF +ANDRÉ + +This is a good model for the semi-centennial or centennial of any noted +event. + +Being in the open air the speaker referred to the grand scenery, almost the +same as one hundred years before. + +Effect on the nation's heart of such Revolutionary commemorations. + +Small events influence the currents of history. Thermopylć and its 300; +_the three plain farmers who preserved American liberty_. + +The orator then sketched compactly but vividly the critical situation of +1780, and tells at length the story of Arnold's treason, its frustration +by the capture of André and his pathetic fate. This "one romance of +the Revolution" is a thrilling tale, and all adornment is given to it. +The account of the struggle to save André's life gives the interest of +controversy, as does the defense of Washington's course. The anecdote and +the illustrative parallel are both supplied by the case of Captain Nathan +Hale, executed by the English as an American spy. The address closes with a +fitting tribute to André's three captors, whose modest monument marked the +spot, and a very effective quotation of William of Orange's heroic oath at +his coronation, "I will maintain." + + +OUTLINE OF SPEECH BY GOVERNOR FORAKER AT THE DEDICATION OF OHIO'S MONUMENT +TO THE ANDREWS RAIDERS, AT CHATTANOOGA + +Why this monument and this dedication. The story of the raid, the suffering +of the raiders, and heroism of those who died. + +The controversial part covered two points--the military value of the raid, +and the manner in which the raiders had been treated by the enemy while +prisoners. + +The illustrative setting was the historic background of Chattanooga and the +contrasts of war and peace. + + +OUTLINE OF ADDRESS BY CHAUNCEY M. DEPEW AT DINNER ON THE 70TH BIRTHDAY OF +JOHN JAY + +Not on the programme--pleasantry with Mr. Choate (President) about his +railroad fees. Mr. Choate wants it made the rule for all ex-presidents +of the club to have a dinner on their 70th birthday. This will help them +to live at least that long, as Gladstone and Bismarck, when they had an +object, have lived on in spite of the doctors! + +Depew, a native of the same county as three generations of Jays. Services +of the Revolutionary Jay. + +_The Anecdote_.--General Sherman yesterday told a beautiful young +girl--Generals always interested in beautiful young girls--that he would be +willing to throw away all he was doing or had done to start at her time of +life again. But the nation could not permit that, nor could it in the case +of John Jay--closing words of tribute and esteem to the guest of the +evening. + + +OUTLINE OF ADDRESS BY CHAUNCEY M. DEPEW AT THE RECEPTION TO HENRY M. +STANLEY BY THE LOTUS CLUB + +The speaker jests about his own locks whitened by the cares of railroading, +and the raven hair of the reporters--where do they get their dye? + +Stanley's lecture fee, $250.--Lotus Club gets one for only the price of a +dinner! + +Stanley a great artist in his descriptions as well as a great traveler. + +Americans a nation of travelers.--This makes railroads prosperous! What +some reporters have done. + +The motive makes heroism.--Livingstone the missionary--his rescue by +Stanley. + +The civilized Africa of the future with Stanley for its Columbus. + + +SPEECHES AT A DINNER GIVEN TO THE RELIGIOUS PRESS + +Toast.--"The Religious Press and Literature." + +First, what are sound views of literature; second, what is a religious +paper? The speaker used two illustrations bound in one. A great book is +the Nilometer which measures intellectual life as the original Nilometer +measured the life and fertility of the land of Egypt. A description of +the rise of the Nile and of the _Divine Comedy_ of Dante, as such a +measurer of the life of the Middle Ages, made up the speech. + +Toast.--"Religious Press and Questions of the Day." + +Eternity begins _here_. The paper must show on which side of any +question the right lies. It should go even further than this. It should +cover a wider range of topics and aim to secure the attention of the +general public to the questions it discusses and so entitle it to circulate +more widely. + +Toast.--"Should Religious Papers Make Money?" + +If I may make the paying papers, anybody may make the others. Money +losing--soon comes, _hic jacet_. Money making proves usefulness and +renders the issue of a paper possible. Letter from the oldest editor of New +York in which he says the editor is under life sentence to hard labor. + +Toast.--"The Religious Paper and Scholarship." + +He laments that he has no letter from an editor to read (like the last +speaker), and tells a story of a Methodist, on request, praying for rain; +and when a terrible storm came, the man who asked, was heard to murmur: +"How these Methodists do exaggerate." This was to show the excellence of +the dinner. Two other stories were used by the speaker, about the length +and discursiveness of his talk. The people need and will read deep, +accurate, and scholarly productions. There ought to be a general paper for +such. Something has been done in that direction by two religious papers. + +The speaker treated his topic by giving a semi-humorous review of the +preceding speeches. He showed how denominational traits affected each +item in the work of the paper. He did not make just the kind of a paper +_he_ liked best, for some people were of the same taste as Artemus +Ward, who always ordered _hash_ at a restaurant, because he then knew +what he was getting! The speaker also referred ironically to the mistaken +idea that church papers could not pay, and gave striking instances to the +contrary. He concluded that denominational papers may be as successful in +their line as those purely undenominational and independent. + + +RESPONSE TO THE TOAST, "THE NAVY: OUR COUNTRY'S BEST WALL OF DEFENSE" + +1. The disasters which different ports of our country have experienced from +invading forces during three great wars. No foe now on this continent which +we need fear--our enemies, if any, will come by sea. + +2. The defense by fortified harbors cannot be relied on, for when one place +is defended another may be attacked, and the coast-line is so great that an +unguarded spot may be found. But our glorious navy will seek the foe at any +and every point. + +3. Past glory of the Navy. Paul Jones in the Revolutionary War singeing +John Bull's beard at his own fireside. 1812. The ships of iron that kept +the Confederate States engirdled and forbade outside meddling with domestic +troubles. + +4. The Navy, by showing the world that we are impregnable, should be the +best promoter of a solid peace. + + +RESPONSE TO THE TOAST, "GENERAL JACKSON: A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH, BUT A +DIAMOND" + +1. The hero of New Orleans, though rough, was a strong and great man. +Stories about him always popular. His indorsing State papers "O.K." when he +approved them, and saying that these letters meant "_oll korrect_." +The victor and the spoils. + +2. His connection with great questions, such as the currency and +nullification. Popularity with his own party. + +3. Proved to be a great commander by the manner in which he used his very +slender resources at the battle of New Orleans--the backwoods riflemen and +the breastworks of cotton. + + +RESPONSE TO THE TOAST, "THE WORKING MAN: MAY HE LOVE HIS WORK AND HAVE +PLENTY OF IT, WITH GOOD WAGES PROMPTLY PAID" + +1. For a healthy man a reasonable amount of work is no misfortune, but +a blessing. Idleness is a curse, and leads to all kinds of evil. (See +story in Anecdote No. 21 at end of this volume--of the tramp who earned +seventy-five cents and quit work because he feared that he could not bear +the curse of riches! Not many of us have this kind of fear.) + +2. Toil with pen and brain as real, and may be as exhausting as with the +hand and foot. + +3. But to defraud a workman of one cent of his earnings is a peculiarly +atrocious crime. How this may be done indirectly. All persons who believe +in this toast should deal justly and fairly, and try to hold others to the +same rule. + +4. The true workman wants work and fair play; not patronage and flattery, +but sympathy and friendship. + + +A NOMINATING SPEECH + +The great conventions that nominate candidates for the Presidency of the +United States furnish examples on the largest scale of the nominating +speech. But officers of societies of almost any character may be nominated +in addresses that are very similar. The following outline of a speech of +general character may be easily modified to suit any case in which such +help is desired. + +_Mr. Chairman_: It gives me great pleasure to place before you, the +name of a candidate who is so well qualified and so fully deserving of +this honor, and of every other, that may be conferred upon him, as ----. +In giving him your votes, you can make no mistake. [Here state previous +offices held, or trusts filled, or other evidences of fitness for the post +in view.] In addition, I am happy to state that he represents [here name +locality, section, class, or opinion, being careful to adduce only those +which will be pleasing to the persons whose votes are sought.] On his +behalf, I can promise faithful service, and the prompt discharge of every +duty. Others may have as much zeal for the cause: some may have as long +a training for the duties of this office; a few may possibly have as +legitimate a claim upon any honors or rewards in your gift, but where +else can you find such a combination of claims? + +The illustrative anecdote will naturally be of the candidate himself, of +his popularity, availability, or other good quality, or of some person or +element strongly supporting him. + + +SPEECH ACCEPTING A NOMINATION + +1. An honor of which any man must be deeply sensible as well as proud. The +importance or high character of the body making the nomination. + +2. The degree of surprise felt that the candidate should be preferred to +so many worthy competitors. W by the honor is especially prized, and the +reasons, if any; why the candidate would have preferred a different +selection. + +3. The motives which make him willing to bear the burdens entailed by this +nomination. + +4. The hope of being able to support his competitors for other offices, or +other terms of this office. + +5. With all his sense of unworthiness, the candidate dares not set up his +judgment against that of the honorable body which has named him, for the +office of ----, and he therefore bows to their decision and gratefully +accepts the [unexpected?] honor conferred upon him. Should the people--not +for his sake, but for the sake of the cause represented--have the +intelligence and good judgment [of which there is not a shadow of doubt?] +to indorse the nomination, he will exert all the power he possesses, to +faithfully fill the position their choice has bestowed upon him. + + +SPEECH IN A POLITICAL CANVASS + +No form of speech is so easy as a political address in a hot campaign. The +people know enough of the general argument in advance, to appreciate a +strong statement of it, or the addition of new items. They already have +much of that interest in the theme that other classes of speakers must +first seek to arouse. The tyro makes his feeble beginnings in the sparsely +settled portions of the country, but the polished orator is welcomed by +large audiences at the centres of population, and wins money, fame, and +possibly a high office. Americans have many opportunities of hearing good +speeches of this character, and not only become competent judges, but learn +to emulate such examples. + +1. A bright story, a personal incident, a local "hit," or, best of all, a +quick, shrewd caricature of some feature of the opposing party, will gain +attention and half win the battle. A speaker was once called upon to make +an address after a political opponent had taken his seat. This man at +one time strongly indorsed a measure to which his own party was bitterly +opposed. The measure was defeated notwithstanding his opposition, and he +was obliged to sanction his party's action. The audience being familiar +with this, the speaker referred to it by saying: "Oh! _he_ approves, +does he! Imagine a kicked, cuffed, pounded, and dragged across a road, +bracing himself at every step, but forced over at last and tied to a +post; then imagine _that mule_ straightening himself up and saying, +'Thank Heaven, we crossed that road, didn't we?' It was difficult to move +the mule, he was obstinate, but it made no difference. My opponent was +obstinate too, but what did it avail!" + +2. The criticism of our opponents' platform or principles. Their fallacies, +mistakes, and misrepresentations. + +3. Their history. How they have carried out all their bad and dangerous +doctrines, but have slurred over and allowed to drop out of sight their +promises of good. + +4. The contrast. Plain statement [and there is nothing more effective in a +speech than a plain, dear, and condensed statement] of the opposing issues. + +5. The man. [The personal element in a canvas nearly always overshadows +political doctrine, except when a new party or new measure is rising into +prominence.] Our men brilliant, able, safe. Our opponents the opposite. +[Public character only should be criticized. Gossip, scandal, slander +are abominable, and seldom well received by any audience. Poison, the +assassin's dagger, and the spreading of infamous stories do not belong to +honorable warfare.] + + +SPEECH AFTER A POLITICAL VICTORY. SELECTED + +1. We are masters of the field. Completeness of victory [told in military +language]. + +2. Sympathy for the defeated. We will treat their leaders with Good +Samaritan generosity, but we invite the rank and file to enlist with us, +unless they prefer to go home and pray for better luck next time. + +3. Only by joining us can they get a nibble at the spoils. Probably they +will, for many of them are men of seven principles--five loaves and two +fishes. The "cohesive power of public plunder." + +4. We must not be careless after victory, but reorganize, be vigilant, keep +our powder dry. The "outs" are hungry, and an enemy will fight terribly for +rations. "Brag is a good dog, but Holdfast is a better." + +5. Now let us all rejoice over the defeat of a party many of whose members +we respect personally, but which, as a whole, we regard as an immense +nuisance. + + +SPEECH AFTER A POLITICAL DEFEAT. SELECTED + +My Political Brethren: You seem to be in the dumps! Don't like the figures; +wish they were a cunningly devised fable. How did it happen? Big vote and +intolerable cheating cooked our goose. But we are india-rubber and steel +springs, and no amount of hard usage can take the fight out of us. + +Let our opponents laugh! We are not savage--would not hurt a hair of their +heads personally, but politically will skin them alive next time. But we +prefer to convert them, and hope they will hear our speakers as often as +possible before the next election. + + +A CHAIRMAN'S OR PRESIDENT'S SPEECH + +At a public meeting some one interested in the object for which it has +convened calls the assembly to order. After securing attention he proposes +the name of some person as chairman or president. When the nomination is +seconded he takes the vote and announces the election. It will then be in +order for the person chosen to take a position facing the assembly and to +make a brief speech. + +"Ladies and Gentlemen: I have no wish to disparage your judgment, although +I think it might have been exercised to better advantage by electing some +of the able persons I see before me. But I thank you for this honor, which +I appreciate the more highly and accept the more readily because of say +deep interest in the question of ----, which is now before us. First, +however, please nominate a secretary." + +When, however, the president or chairman elected is himself a prime mover +in the business for which the meeting is called, it will be perfectly +proper for him to extend his speech, upon accepting the chair, by stating +clearly but briefly the object of the meeting; or, if he prefers, he may +ask some one in whose powers of plausible and persuasive statement he has +confidence to do this in his place. Formal argument is not advisable in +the opening speech; but the best argument consists in giving a compact +statement and ample information. In this way the cause may be half won by +the chairman's speech or the speech of his proxy. + + +A GENERAL OUTLINE FOE ALL OCCASIONS + +_The Introduction_. The speaker's modesty or inability, the lateness +of the hour, the merit of preceding speeches, the literary treats that are +to follow, the character of the dinner, personal allusion to the president +or to the audience--_but not all of these in one address_. + +_The Discussion_. Here refer to the toast or theme--be sure to put in +a humorous anecdote. Make it as appropriate as possible, but don't fail to +bring it in. Get up a short controversy: set up a man of straw if you can +find nobody else, and then make an onslaught upon him; but _be sure he +has no friends in the audience_! + +_Conclusion_. A graceful compliment to some one, a reference to an +expected speaker, or a word indicating the part of your subject of which +you will not treat, or give a _very_ quick summary of what you have +already said. + + + + +ILLUSTRATIVE AND HUMOROUS ANECDOTES + + +With a number of the following anecdotes a few suggestions are given as +to the manner in which they may be used. The habit of thinking how a good +story may be brought into an address should be formed, after which these +hints will be superfluous. At the outset they may help to form the habit. + + +1. INDEPENDENCE OF A MONOPOLY + +[A good illustration of complete independence. It can be used as a humorous +description of a monopoly or as a compliment to a man who has complete +control of his own affairs.] + +An inquisitive passenger on a railroad recently had the following dialogue: + +"Do you use the block system on this road?" inquired the passenger. + +"No, sir," replied the conductor, "we have no use for it." + +"Do you use the electric or pneumatic signals?" + +"No, sir." + +"Have you a double track?" + +"No." + +"Well, of course, you have a train dispatcher, and run all trains by +telegraph?" + +"No." + +"I see you have no brakeman. How do you flag the rear of your train if you +are stopped from any cause between stations?"' + +"We don't flag." + +"Indeed! What a way to run a railroad! A man takes his life in his hand +when he rides on it. This is criminally reckless!" + +"See here, mister! If you don't like this railroad you can get off and +walk. I am president of this road and its sole owner. I am also board +of directors, treasurer, secretary, general manager, superintendent, +paymaster, trackmaster, general passenger agent, general freight agent, +master mechanic, ticket agent, conductor, brakeman, and boss. This is +the Great Western Railroad of Kentucky, six miles long, with termini at +Harrodsburg and Harrodsburg Junction. This is the only train on the road of +any kind, and ahead of us is the only engine. We never have collisions. The +engineer does his own firing, and runs the repair shop and round-house all +by himself. He and I run this railway. It keeps us pretty busy, but we've +always got time to stop and eject a sassy passenger. So you want to behave +yourself and go through with us, or you will have your baggage set off here +by the haystack!" + + +2. EXPLANATION + +[To ridicule extravagant explanations that do not explain--or unreasonable +pretensions to antiquity.] + + +An old Scotch lady, who had no relish for modern church music, was +expressing her dislike to the singing of an anthem in her own church one +day, when a neighbor said: "Why, that is a very old anthem! David sang that +anthem to Saul." To this the old lady replied: "Weel, weel! I noo for the +first time understan' why Saul threw his javelin at David when the lad sang +for him." + + +3. RIDING A HOBBY + +[To illustrate hobby-riding--very appropriate where many toasts and +speeches run in one line.] + +A boy in Buffalo, N. Y., who was asked to write out what he considered an +ideal holiday dinner _ménu_, evolved the following: + + Furst Corse. + Mince pie. + Second Corse. + Pumpkin pie and turkey. + Third Corse. + Lemon pie, turkey, and cranberries + Fourth Corse. + Custard pie, apple pie, chocolate cake and plum pudding. + Dessert. + Pie. + + +4. HOBSON'S CHOICE + +[Suitable caricature for any one who tries to make merit of doing what he +cannot help.] + +"If my employer does not retract what he said to me this morning I shall +leave his store." "Why, what did he say?" "He told me to look for another +place." + + +5. WHEN TO BE SILENT + +[A silent guest might tell this to show that he had found a way to be of +greatest service at a banquet.] + +Mrs. Penfield--"My husband has found a way by which he says I am of the +greatest help to him in his literary work." + +Mrs. Hillaire--"How nice that must be for you, my dear! But how are you +able to do it?" + +Mrs. Penfield--"As soon as I see him at his desk I go into another room and +keep perfectly quiet until he has finished." + + +6. PAYING FOR YOUR WHISTLE + +[Would be a good answer to one who gave a compliment, and tried in that way +to shove off a speech or other duty upon the one complimented.] + + +McSwatters--"It's very funny." + +Mrs. McSwatters--"What is?" + +McSwatters--"Why, when the doctor treats me I always have to pay for it." + + +7. GOOSE-CHASE + +[Would come in well after several had declined to speak, the goose being +the one who finally consents and tells the story.] + +A lady had been looking for a friend for a long time without success. +Finally, she came upon her in an unexpected way. "Well," she exclaimed, +"I've been on a perfect wild-goose chase all day long, but, thank goodness, +I've found you at last." + + +8. THE PERPLEXED SAGE + +[To show that the chairman may safely confide in his own power to manage +such poor material as the person who tells the story assumes himself to +be.] + +"And now what is it?" asked the sage, as the young man timidly approached. +"Pray, tell me," asked the youth, "does a woman marry a man because of +her confidence in the man, or because of her confidence in her ability to +manage him?" For once the sage had to take the question under advisement. + + +9. QUICK THOUGHT + +[The following illustrates the advantages of a happy retort, the importance +of a felicitous phrase, or of quick thought and ready speech. It might be +said that the preceding speaker was as ready as:] + +When Napoleon (then a student at Brienne) was asked how he would supply +himself with provisions in a closely-invested town, he answered, without a +moment's hesitation, "From the enemy," which so pleased the examiners that +they passed him without further questions. + + +10. [The Russian General Suvaroff is said to have promoted one of his +sergeants for giving substantially the same answer.] + +The Emperor Paul, of Russia, was so provoked by the awkwardness of an +officer on review that he ordered him to resign at once and retire to his +estate. "But he has no estate," the commander ventured. "Then give him +one!" thundered the despot, whose word was law, and the man gained more by +his blunders than he could have done by years of the most skillful service. + +11. [The anger of an actor took the same turn as that of the Czar.] + +Colley Cibber once missed his "cue," and the confusion that followed +spoiled the best passage of Betterton, who was manager as well as actor. He +rushed behind the scenes in a towering passion, and exclaimed, "Forfeit, +Master Colley; you shall be fined for such stupidity!" "It can't be done," +said a fellow-actor, "for he gets no salary." "Put him down for ten +shillings a week and fine him five!" cried the furious manager. + + +12. INSIGNIFICANT THINGS + +[The need of accuracy, or how insignificant things sometimes change the +meaning, is shown by the following.] + +A merchant of London wrote his East India factor to send him 2 or 3 apes; +but he forgot to write the "r" in "or," and the factor wrote that he had +sent 80, and would send the remainder of the 2 0 3 as soon as they could be +gathered in. + + +13. A very well-known writer had a similar experience. He was selling +copies of his first literary venture, and telegraphed to the publisher to +send him "three hundred books at once." He answered. "Shall I send them on +an emigrant train, or must they go first-class? Had to scour the city over +to get them. You must be going into the hotel business on a great scale to +need so many Cooks." I was bewildered; but all was explained when a copy of +the dispatch showed that the telegraph clerk had mistaken the small "b" for +a capital "C." + + +14. MAKING AN EXCUSE; OR, JOHNNY PEEP + +[A guest pleading to be excused from a speech or a song might say that he +wanted to be accounted as "Johnny Peep" in the following story which Allan +Cunningham tells of Robert Burns.] + +Strolling one day in Cumberland the poet lost his friends, and thinking to +find them at a certain tavern he popped his head in at the door. Seeing no +one there but three strangers, he apologized, and was about to retire, when +one of the strangers called out, "Come in, Johnny Peep." This invitation +the convivial poet readily accepted, and spent a very pleasant time with +his newly-found companions. As the conversation began to flag, it was +proposed that each should write a verse, and place it, together with +two-and-six pence, under the candlestick, the best poet to take the +half-crowns, while the unsuccessful rhymers were to settle the bill among +them. According to Cunningham, Burns obtained the stakes by writing: + + "Here am I, Johnny Peep; + I saw three sheep, + And these three sheep saw me. + Half-a-crown apiece + Will pay for their fleece, + And so Johnny Peep goes free." + + +15. STERN LOGIC + +[Probably this boy would have seen the necessity of avoiding such rich +banquets as this.] + +"Say, ma, do they play base-ball in heaven?" + +"Why, no, my dear; of course not. Why do you ask?" + +"Huh! Well, you don't catch me being good and dying young then; that's +all." + + +16. MISTAKEN BREVITY + +["Brevity is the soul of wit;" and calculation and economy are very +commendable; but they may be carried to extremes. This may be used when the +last speaker has closed a little abruptly.] + +This is the message the telegraph messenger handed a young man from his +betrothed "Come down as soon as you can; I am dying. Kate." + +Eight hours later he arrived at the summer hotel, to be met on the piazza +by Kate herself. + +"Why, what did you mean by sending me such a message?" he asked. + +"Oh!" she gurgled, "I wanted to say that I was dying to see you, but my ten +words ran out, and I had to stop." + + +17. CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME + +Breslau, a celebrated juggler, being at Canterbury with his troupe, met +with such bad success that they were almost starved. He repaired to the +church wardens, and promised to give a night's takings to the poor if the +parish would pay for hiring a room, etc. The charitable bait took, the +benefit proved a bumper, and the next morning the church wardens waited +upon the wizard to touch the receipts. "I have already disposed of dem," +said Breslau; "de profits were for de poor. I have kept my promise, and +given de money to my own people, who are de poorest in dis parish!" + +"Sir!" exclaimed the church wardens, "this is a trick." + +"I know it," replied the conjurer; "I live by my tricks." + + +18. CHARITY; OR, A GOOD WORD FOR EVERY ONE--EVEN THE DEVIL. + +[It is well to feel charitably and kindly at all times, but especially at +a dinner party.] + +A friend said to a Scotchman who was celebrated for possessing these +amiable qualities, "I believe you would actually find something to admire +in Satan himself." The canny Scot replied, "Ah! weel, weel, we must a' +admit, that auld Nick has great energy and perseverance." + +[If the chairman has been very persistent in calling out reluctant +speakers, the foregoing would be a good story to turn the laugh upon him.] + + +19. INGENIOUS REASON + +[The Scotchman referred to in the last anecdote was as ingenious in finding +a reason as the boy mentioned in the following:] + +"Can you suggest any reason why I should print your poem?" said the +overbearing editor. + +The dismal youth looked thoughtful, and then replied: + +"You know I always inclose a stamp for the return of rejected manuscript?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, if you print it you can keep the stamp." + + +20. AMBIGUITY OF WORDS + +[The equivocal use of words in our language.] + +Recently a west-bound train on the Fitchburg (Mass.) Railroad had just left +the town of Athol When the conductor noticed among the new passengers a +young man of intelligent appearance. He asked for the young man's fare, and +the latter handed him a ticket to Miller's Falls and with it a cent. For a +moment the conductor suspected a joke, but a look at the passenger's face +convinced him to the contrary. + +"What is this cent for?" the conductor asked. + +"Why, I see," answered the young fellow, "that the ticket isn't good unless +it is stamped, and as I don't happen to have a stamp with me I give you the +cent instead. You can put it on, can't you?" + +The good-natured conductor handed back the coin with a smile, remarking +that it was a small matter, and he would see that it was all right. + + +21. USELESS REGRET + +[Persons who pretend to regret something without making a real effort to +better it are hit off by this anecdote.] + +A father called his son rather late in the morning, and finding him still +abed, indignantly demanded: "Are you not _ashamed_ to be caught asleep +this time of day?" + +"Yes, rather," returned the ingenious youth, "but I'd ruther _be +ashamed_ than git up." + + +22. NO HAPPINESS IN WEALTH + +[The great advantage of being fully adapted to one's situation and +contented with it.] + +There are people who cannot hold their heads under the influence of sudden +riches. They immediately begin to degenerate. They have become so used to +humble circumstances that wealth is a curse. Here is a case: + +A tramp, for some mysterious reason, had accepted an offer to work about +the place, for which he was to receive his meals, sundry old clothes, and +25 cents a day in cash. For the first two or three days he did very well, +and he was paid 50 cents on account. He did not spend the money, but he +began to grow listless and sad, and at the end of the week he interviewed +his employer. + +"You've been very kind to me, sir," he said, "and I want to thank you for +what you have done." + +"That's all right," was the reply. "I'm glad to be able to help you." + +"I know that, sir, and I appreciate it, but I shall have to give it all up, +sir." + +"What's that for? Don't I pay you enough?" + +"Oh! yes, sir; that isn't it. I have 75 cents left, sir, but I find that +money doesn't bring happiness, sir, and I guess I'll resign and go back to +the old ways, sir. Wealth is a curse to some people, sir, and I fancy I +belong to that class. Good-bye, sir." And he shambled off down the path and +struck the highway. + + +23. SHORT BUT POINTED + +[Splendid for a speaker called up rather late in the evening--even if he +should make a short speech afterward.] + +Being nobody in particular, a Mr. Bailey was placed last on the list of the +speakers. The chairman introduced several speakers whose names were not on +the list, and the audience were tired out when he said, "Mr. Bailey will +now give you his address." + +"My address," said Mr. Bailey, rising, "is No. 45 Loughboro Park, Brixton +Road, and I wish you all good night." + + +24. REASONING IN A CIRCLE + +[This is very common, as in the case of the heroine of this story.] + +The director of a Chicago bank tells how his wife overdrew her account at +the bank one day last month. "I spoke to her about it one evening," said +he, "and told her she ought to adjust it at once. A day or two afterward +I asked her if she had done what I suggested. 'Oh! yes,' she answered. 'I +attended to that matter the very next morning after you spoke about it. I +sent the bank my check for the amount I had overdrawn.'" + + +25. EXTREME ECONOMY + +[Economy is a great virtue, but it should not be extreme.] + +An old lady of Massachusetts was famed in her native township for health +and thrift. To an acquaintance who was once congratulating her upon the +former she said: + +"We be pretty well for old folks, Josiah and me. Josiah hasn't had an +ailin' time for fifty years, 'cept last winter. And I ain't never suffered +but one day in my life, and that was when I took some of the medicine +Josiah had left over, so's how it shouldn't be wasted." + + +26. SENSIBLE TO THE LAST + +[How we commend those who take our standards and help us.] + +A story is told of a late Dublin doctor, famous for his skill and also his +great love of money. He had a constant and profitable patient in an old +shopkeeper in Dame Street. This old lady was terribly rheumatic and unable +to leave her sofa. During the doctor's visit she kept a Ł1 note in her +hand, which duly went into Dr. C.'s pocket. One morning he found her lying +dead on the sofa. Sighing deeply, the doctor approached, and taking her +hand in his, he saw the fingers closed on his fee. "Poor thing," he said +as he pocketed it, "sensible to the last." + + +27. FISHING FOR A COMPLIMENT + +[Fishing for compliments is sometimes dangerous.] + +A well-known Congressman, who was a farmer before he went into politics, +was doing his district not long ago, and in his rambles he saw a man in a +stumpy patch of ground trying to get a plow through it. He went over to +him, and after a brief salutation he asked the privilege of making a turn +or two with the plow. The native shook his head doubtfully as he looked +at his visitor's store clothes and general air of gentleman of elegant +leisure, but he let him take the plow. The Congressman sailed away with +it in fine style, and plowed four or five furrows before the owner of the +field could recover his surprise. Then he pulled up and handed the handles +over to the original holder. + +"By gravy, mister," said the farmer, admiringly, "air you in the +aggercultural business?" + +"No," laughed the statesman. + +"Y'ain't selling plows?" + +"No." + +"Then what in thunder air you?" + +"I'm the member of Congress from this district." + +"Air you the man I voted for and that I've been reading about in the papers +doin' legislatin' and sich in Washington?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, by hokey, mister," said the farmer, as he looked with admiration +over the recently-plowed furrows, "ef I'd a had any idea that I was votin' +fer a waste of sich good farmin' material I'd voted fer the other candidate +as shore as shootin'." + + +28. BEYOND EXPRESSION + +[When called on for a speech one may answer the chairman in the words of +this lady:] + +She was in her room when some people came to call. Her husband received the +company, and after awhile said to his daughter, who was playing about the +room: + +"Go up-stairs and tell your mamma that Mr. and Mrs. Blank have come to +call." + +The child went, and after a while returned and began to play again. + +"Did you tell your mamma that Mr. and Mrs. Blank are here?" asked the +father. + +"Oh! yes." + +"And what did she say?" + +The little girl looked up, and after a moment's hesitation, exclaimed: + +"She said--well, she said, 'O dear!'" + + +29. THE TOAST OF THE EVENING + +[The comment upon this incident by the editor is not less amusing than the +speech.] + +It is not always a pleasant thing to be called upon suddenly to address a +public meeting of any sort, as is amusingly illustrated by the following +speech at the opening of a free hospital by one who was certainly not born +an orator: + +"Gentlemen--ahem--I--I--I rise to say--that is, I wish to propose a toast, +which I think you'll all say--ahem--I think, at least, that this toast is, +as you'll say, the toast of the occasion. Gentlemen, I belong to a good +many of these things, and I say, gentlemen, that this hospital requires no +patronage--at least, what I mean is, you don't want any recommendation. +You've only got to be ill--got to be ill." + +"Now, gentlemen, I find by the report" (turning over the leaves in a +fidgety way) "that from the year seventeen--no eighteen--no, ah, yes, I'm +right--eighteen hundred and fifty--no, it's a '3'--thirty-six--eighteen +hundred and thirty-six, no less than one hundred and ninety-three +millions--no! ah!" (to a committeeman at his side) "Eh? oh, yes, thank +you--yes--one hundred and ninety-three thousand--two millions--no" (after a +close scrutiny at the report) "two hundred and thirty-one--one hundred and +ninety-three thousand, two hundred and thirty-one! Gentlemen, I beg to +propose--success to this admirable institution!" + +To what the large and variously stated figures referred no one in the +audience ever felt positive, but all agreed, as he had said they would, +that this was the toast of the evening. + + +30. BEE LINE + +[He knew how to escape from more than one kind of fire.] + +A soldier on guard in South Carolina during the war was questioned as to +his knowledge of his duties. + +"You know your duty here, do you, sentinel?" + +"Yes, sir." + +"Well, now, suppose they should open on you with shells and musketry, what +would you do?" + +"Form a line, sir." + +"What! one man form a line?" + +"Yes, sir; form a bee-line for camp, sir." + + +31. VENTRILOQUISM + +["Take the good the Gods provide."] + +At Raglan Castle, said Mr. Ganthony, the ventriloquist, I gave an +entertainment in the open air, and throwing my voice up into the +ivy-covered ruins, said: "What are you doing there?" + +To my amazement a boy answered: "I climbed up 'ere this mornin' just to see +the folk and 'ear the music; I won't do no harm." + +I replied: "Very well, stay there, and don't let any one see you, do you +hear?" + +The reply came: "Yes, muster, I 'ear." + +This got me thunders of applause. I made up my mind to risk it, so I bowed, +and the boy never showed himself. + + +32. A SLIGHT MISTAKE + +[Orders should be strictly obeyed.] + +A celebrated German physician, according to a London paper, was once called +upon to treat an aristocratic lady, the sole cause of whose complaint was +high living and lack of exercise. But it would never have done to tell her +so. So his medical advice was: + +"Arise at five o clock, take a walk in the park for one hour, then drink a +cup of tea, then walk another hour, and take a cup of chocolate. Take +breakfast at eight." + +Her condition improved visibly, until one fine morning the carriage of the +baroness was seen to approach the physician's residence at lightning speed. +The patient dashed up to the doctor's house, and on his appearing on the +scene she gasped out: + +"O doctor! I took the chocolate first!" + +"Then drive home as fast as you can," directed the astute disciple of +Ćsculapius, rapidly writing a prescription, "and take this emetic. The tea +must be underneath." + +The grateful patient complied. She is still improving. + + +33. PRESENCE OF MIND + +[A fine story to illustrate the value (money value) of presence of mind.] + +A witty person whom Bismarck was commissioned by the Emperor to decorate +with the Iron Cross of the first class, discomfited the Chancellor's +attempt to chaff him. "I am authorized," said Bismarck, "to offer you one +hundred thalers instead of the cross." "How much is the cross worth?" asked +the soldier. "Three thalers." "Very well, then, your highness, I'll take +the cross and ninety-seven thalers." Bismarck was so surprised and pleased +by the ready shrewdness of the reply that he gave the man both the cross +and the money. + + +34. JOKE ON A DUDE + +[A good story for one who has some power of personation, for the dudes get +little sympathy.] + +A crowded car ran down the other evening. Within was a full-blown, +eye-glassed, drab-gaitered dude, apparently satisfied that he was jammed in +among an admiring community. On the rear platform a cheery young mechanic +was twitting the conductor and occasionally making a remark to a fresh +passenger. Everybody took it in good part as a case of inoffensive high +spirits, all but the dude, who evinced a strong disgust. + +When the young man called out to an old gentleman, "Sit out here, guvinor, +on the back piazza," or to another, "Don't crowd there; stay where +the breezes blow," the dude looked daggers, and at last, grabbing the +conductor's elbow and indicating the young man by a nod of the head, +evidently entered a protest. Every one saw it. So did the young man, and +he gathered his wits together like a streak to finish that dude. He did +it all with an imperturbable good humor and seriousness which would carry +conviction to the most doubting. + +"Well, I never!" he began, poking his head inside the doorway with an air +of comic surprise. "Jes' to see you a-sitting there, dressed up like that. +Catch on to them gaiters, will you? Ain't you got the nerve to go up and +down Broadway fixed up like that, and your poor father and mother workin' +hard at home? Ain't you 'shamed o' yourself, and your father a honest, +hard-workin' driver, and your mother a decent, respectable washwoman? Y' +ain't no good, or you wouldn't have gev up your place, and I think I'll go +look after it myself and put a decent man in it." + +He stepped off the car as if bent on doing this at once, and the dude, +unable to resist the ridicule of the situation or defend the attack, +hastily stepped off after him. + + +35. NEWSPAPER REPORTER + +[Equally good for a missionary meeting or a gathering of newspaper men.] + +A young journalist was requested to write something about the Zenana +Mission. He assured the readers of the paper that among the many scenes +of missionary labor, none had of late attracted more attention than the +Zenana Mission, and assuredly none was more deserving of this attention. +Comparatively few years had passed since Zenana had been opened up to +British trade, but already, owing to the devotion of a handful of men and +women, the nature of the inhabitants had been almost entirely changed. +The Zenanese, from being a savage people, had become, in a wonderfully +short space of time, practically civilized; and recent travelers to +Zenana had returned with the most glowing accounts of the continued +progress of the good work in that country. He then branched off into the +"laborer-worthy-of-his-hire" side of this great work, and the question +was aptly asked if the devoted laborers in that remote vineyard were not +deserving of support. Were civilization and Christianity to be snatched +from the Zenanese just when both were within their grasp? So on for nearly +half a column the writer meandered in the most orthodox style, just as he +had done scores of times before when advocating certain missions. Some one +who found him the next day running his finger down the letter Z, in the +index to the "Handy Atlas," with a puzzled look upon his face, knew he had +had a letter from the editor. + + +36. HOW A WOMAN PROPOSED + +[A variation of the old and always pleasing theme.] + +They were dining off fowl in a restaurant. "You see," he explained, as he +showed her the wishbone, "you take hold here. Then we must both make a wish +and pull, and when it breaks the one who has the bigger part of it will +have his or her wish granted." "But I don't know what to wish for," she +protested. "Oh! you can think of something," he said. "No, I can't," she +replied; "I can't think of anything I want very much." "Well, I'll wish +for you," he exclaimed. "Will you, really?" she asked. "Yes." "Well, then, +there's no use fooling with the old wishbone," she interrupted, with a glad +smile, "you can have me." + + +37. LUCKY ANSWER + +[Certainly Thompson would be a lawyer, ready for any emergency.] + +In times past there was in a certain law school an aged and eccentric +professor. "General information" was the old gentleman's hobby. He held +it as incontrovertible that if a young lawyer possessed a large fund of +miscellaneous knowledge, combined with an equal amount of common sense, +he would be successful in life. So every year the professor put on his +examination papers a question very far removed from the subject of criminal +law. One year it was, "How many kinds of trees are there in the college +yard?" the next, "What is the make-up of the present English cabinet?" + +Finally the professor thought he had invented the best question of his +life. It was, "Name twelve animals that inhabit the polar regions." The +professor chuckled as he wrote this down. He was sure he would "pluck" +half the students on that question and it was beyond a doubt that that +opprobrious young loafer Thompson would fail. But when the professor read +the examination papers, Thompson, who had not answered another question, +was the only man who had solved the polar problem. This was Thompson's +answer: "Six seals and six polar bears." Thompson got his degree with +distinction. + + +38. DOUBLE EDUCATION + +A young doctor, wishing to make a good impression upon a German farmer, +mentioned the fact that he had received a double education, as it were. He +had studied homoeopathy, and was also a graduate of a "regular" medical +school. "Oh! dot vas noding," said the farmer, "I had vonce a calf vot +sucked two cows, and he made nothing but a common schteer after all." + + +39. REMNANTS + +[This and the preceding have a little spice of ill-nature, and while +enjoyable must be applied carefully.] + +Wife--"Such a dream as I had last night, dear!" + +Husband--"May I hear about it?" + +"Well, yes; I dreamed I was in a great establishment where they sold +husbands. They were beauties; some in glass cases and marked at fearful +prices, and others were sold at less figures. Girls were paying out +fortunes, and getting the handsomest men I ever saw. It was wonderful." + +"Did you see any like me there, dear?" + +"Yes; just as I was leaving I saw a whole lot like you lying on the remnant +counter." + + +40. INDIRECT AND DIRECT + +[The following instances show that it is necessary to heed indirect as well +as direct meanings.] + +Mr. Callon, M. P. for Louth, Ireland, a stanch opponent of the Sunday +Closing and Permissive Bill and personally a great benefactor to the +Revenue, replying to the Irish Attorney-General, said: "The facts relied on +by the learned gentleman are very strange. Now, Mr. Speaker, _I swallow a +good deal_. ['Hear, hear,' 'Quite true,' 'Begorra, you can,' and roars +of laughter.] I repeat, _I can swallow a great deal_ ['Hear, hear,' +and fresh volleys of laughter], but I can't swallow that." A few nights +before, in a debate which had to do with the Jews, Baron de Worms had just +remarked, "_We owe much to the Jews_," when there came a feeling groan +from a well-known member in his back corner, "_We do_." + + +41. AN UNMARRIED MAN'S WIFE + +At a dinner at Delmonico's, after the bottle had made its tenth round, +one of the company proposed this toast: "To the man whose wife was never +vixenish to him!" A wag of an old bachelor jumped up and said: "Gentlemen, +as I am the only _unmarried_ man at this table, I suppose that that +toast was intended for me." + + +42. A DILEMMA + +"I am no good unless I strike," said the match. "And you lose your head +every time you do strike," said the box. + + +43. COURAGEOUS GIRL + +[The following is a good instance of an elaborate story and a sharp +retort.] + +It is not always safe to presume upon the timidity or ignorance of folks. +The most demure may be the most courageous. A gentleman who attempted +to play a practical joke in order to test the courage of a servant, was +nonplused in a very unexpected way. Here is his story: + +I am very particular about fastening the doors and windows of my house. I +do not intend to leave them open at night as an invitation to burglars to +enter. You see, I was robbed once in that way last year, and I never mean +to be again; so when I go to bed I like to be sure that every door and +window is securely fastened. + +Last winter my wife engaged a big, strong country girl, and the new-comer +was very careless about the doors at night. On two or three occasions I +came down-stairs to find a window up or the back door unlocked. I cautioned +her, but it did her no good. I therefore determined to frighten her. I got +some false whiskers, and one night about eleven o'clock I crept down the +back-stairs to the kitchen, where she was. She had turned down the gas, and +was in her chair by the fire fast asleep, as I could tell by her breathing, +but the moment I struck a match she awoke. + +I expected a great yelling and screaming, but nothing of the sort took +place. She bounced out of her seat with a "You villain!" on her lips, +seized a chair by the back, and before I had made a move she hit me over +the head, forcing me to my knees. I tried to get up, tried to explain who I +was, but in vain. Before I could get out of the room she struck me again, +and it was only after I had tumbled up the back-stairs that she gave +the alarm. Then she came up to my room, rapped at the door, and coolly +announced: + +"Mr. ----, please get up. I've killed a burglar." + + +44. MORAL SUASION + +"What are your usual modes of punishment?" was among the questions +submitted to a teacher in rural district in Ohio. Her answer was, "I try +moral suasion first, and if that does not work I use capital punishment." + +As it was a neighborhood where moral suasion had not been a success, and +the children were scarce the committee took no risks. + + +45. CUTE BOY + +The teacher in geography was putting the class through a few simple tests: + +"On which side of the earth is the North Pole?" he inquired. + +"On the north side," came the unanimous answer. + +"On which side is the South Pole?" + +"On the south side?" + +"Now, on which side are the most people?" + +This was a poser, and nobody answered. Finally, a very young scholar held +up his hand. + +"I know," he said, hesitatingly, as if the excess of his knowledge was too +much for him. + +"Good for you," said the teacher, encouragingly; "tell the class on which +side the most people are." + +"On the outside," piped the youngster, and whatever answer the teacher had +in her mind was lost in the shuffle. + + +46. PERPLEXED + +Bob--"Hello! I'm awfully glad to see you!" Dick--"I guess there must be +some mistake. I don't owe you anything, and I am not in a condition to +place you in a position to owe me anything!" + + +47. BEN FRANKLIN'S OYSTERS + +Benjamin Franklin was not unlike other boys in his love for sophomoric +phrases. It is related that one day he told his father that he had +swallowed some acephalus molluscus, which so alarmed him that he shrieked +for help. The mother came in with warm water, and forced half a gallon +down Benjamin's throat with the garden pump, then held him upside down, +the father saying, "If we don't get those things out of Bennie he'll be +poisoned sure." When Benjamin was allowed to get his breath he explained +that the articles referred to were oysters. His father was so indignant +that he whipped him for an hour for frightening the family. Franklin never +afterward used a word with two syllables when a monosyllable would do. + + +48. FAMILY AFFAIRS + +"Newlywed seems to find particular delight in parading his little family +affairs before the eyes of his acquaintances," "Does he? What are they? +Scandals?" "Nop, twins." + + +49. A BURGLAR'S EXPERIENCE + +A New York paper prints this extract from the reminiscences of a retired +burglar: + +"I think about the most curious man I ever met," said the retired burglar, +"I met in a house in eastern Connecticut, and I shouldn't know him, either, +if I should meet him again unless I should hear him speak. It was so dark +where I met him that I never saw him at all. I had looked around the house +down-stairs, and actually hadn't seen a thing worth carrying off. It was +the poorest house I ever was in, and it wasn't a bad-looking house on the +outside, either. I got up-stairs and groped around a little, and finally +turned into a room that was darker than Egypt. I had not gone more than +three steps in this room when I heard a man say: + +"'Hello, there.' + +"'Hello,' says I. + +"'Who are you?' says the man; 'burglar?' + +"And I said yes; I did do something in that line occasionally. + +"'Miserable business to be in, ain't it?' said the man. His voice came from +a bed over in the corner of the room, and I knew he hadn't even sat up. + +"And I said, 'Well, I dunno. I got to support my family some way.' + +"'Well, you've just wasted a night here,' says the man. 'Did you see +anything down-stairs worth stealing?' + +"And I said no, I hadn't. + +"'Well, there's less up-stairs,' says the man; and then I heard him turn +over and settle down to go to sleep again. I'd like to have gone over there +and kicked him, but I didn't. It was getting late, and I thought, all +things considered, that I might just as well let him have his sleep out." + + +50. HITTING A LAWYER + +"Have you had a job to-day, Tim?" inquired a well-known legal gentleman +of the equally well-known, jolly, florid-faced old drayman, who, rain or +shine, summer or winter, is rarely absent from his post. + +"Bedad, I did, sor." + +"How many?" + +"Only two, sor." + +"How much did you get for both?" + +"Sivinty cints, sor." + +"Seventy cents! How in the world do you expect to live and keep a horse on +seventy cents a day?" + +"Some days I have half a dozen jobs, sor. But bizness has been dull to-day, +sor. On'y the hauling of a thrunk for a gintilman for forty cints an' a +load av furniture for thirty cints; an' there was the pots an' the kittles, +an' there's no telling phat; a big load, sor." + +"Do you carry big loads of household goods for thirty cents?" + +"She was a poor widdy, sor, an' had no more to give me. I took all she had, +sor; an' bedad, sor, a lyyer could have done no better nor that, sor." + + +51. CUTTING SHORT A PRAYER + +Many a spiritual history is condensed into a miniature in the following: + +Two fishermen--Jamie and Sandy--belated and befogged on a rough water, were +in some trepidation lest they should never get ashore again. At last Jamie +said: + +"Sandy, I'm steering, and I think you'd better put up a bit of a prayer." + +Sandy said: "I don't know how." + +Jamie said: "If you don't I'll just chuck ye overboard." + +Sandy began: "O Lord, I never asked onything of Ye for fifteen year, and if +Ye'll only get us safe back I'll never trouble Ye again." + +"Whist, Sandy," said Jamie, "_the boat's touched shore; don't be beholden +to onybody_." + + +52. UNREMITTING KINDNESS + +Jerrold was asked if he considered a man kind who remitted no funds to his +family when away. "Oh! yes. _Unremitting kindness_," said he. + + +53. AMUSING BLUNDER + +One of the passengers on board the ill-fated "Metis" at the time of the +disaster was an exceedingly nervous man, who, while floating in the water, +imagined how his friends would acquaint his wife of his fate. Saved at +last, he rushed to the telegraph office and sent this message: "Dear P----, +I am saved. _Break it gently to my wife._" + + +54. COMPLIMENT TO A LADY + +[How nicely this might fit into a ladies' party.] + +Sidney Smith, the cultivated writer and divine, who, when describing his +country residence, declared that he lived twelve miles from a lemon, was +told by a beautiful girl that a certain pea in his garden would never come +to perfection. "Permit me then," said he, taking her by the hand, "_to +lead perfection to the pea_." + + +55. TOO SLIM + +[The great evil of mixing religion and politics are well set forth in the +following incident:] + +"Gabe," said the governor to an old colored man, "I understand that you +have been ousted from your position of Sunday-school superintendent." + +"Yes, sah, da figured aroun' till da got me out. II was all a piece of +political work, though; and I doan see why de law of de lan' doan prevent +de Sunday-schools an' churches from takin' up political matters!" + +"How did politics get you out?" + +"Yer see, some time ago, when I was a candidate for justice ob de peace, I +gin' a barbecue ter some ob my frien's. De udder day da brung up de fack +an' ousted me." + +"I don't see why the fact that you gave a barbecue to your friends should +have caused any trouble." + +"Neider does myse'f, boss; but yer see da said dat I stole de hogs what I +barbecued. De proof wa'nt good, an' I think dat da done wrong in ackin' +upon sech slim testimony. Da said dat I cotch de hogs in a corn fid'. I +know dat wan't true, 'case it was a wheat fid' whar I cotch 'em." + + +56. A FAST-DAY TOAST + +On one of the fast-days--a cold, bleak one, too--Father Foley, a popular +and genial priest, on his way from a distant visitation, dropped in to +see Widow O'Brien, who was as jolly as himself, and equally as fond of +the creature comforts, and, what is better, well able to provide them. As +it was about dinner-time, his reverence thought he would stay and have a +"morsel" with the old dame; but what was his horror to see served up in +good style a pair of splendid roast ducks! + +"Oh! musha, Mistress O'Brien, what have ye there?" he exclaimed, in +well-feigned surprise. + +"Ducks, yer riverence." + +"Ducks! roast ducks! and this a fast-day of the holy Church!" + +"Wisha! I never thought of that; but why can't we eat a bit of duck, yer +riverence?" + +"Why? Because the Council of Trint won't lave us--that's why." + +"Well, well, now, but I'm sorry fur that, fur I can only give ye a bite of +bread and cheese and a glass of something hot. Would that be any harrum, +sir?" + +"Harrum! by no manes, woman. Sure we must live any way, and bread and +cheese is not forbid!" + +"Nayther whiskey punch?" + +"Nayther that." + +"Well, thin, yer riverence, would it be any harrum fur me to give a toast?" + +"By no manes, Mrs. O'Brien. Toast away as much as ye like, bedad!" + +"Well, thin, _here's to the Council of Trint, fur if it keeps us from +atin', it doesn't keep us from drinkin'_!" + + +57. THE SUN STANDING STILL + +James Russell Lowell, when concluding an after-dinner speech in England, +made a happy hit by introducing the story of a Methodist preacher at a +camp-meeting, of whom he had heard when he was young. He was preaching on +Joshua ordering the sun to stand still: "My hearers," he said, "there are +three motions of the sun; the first is the straightforward or direct motion +of the sun, the second is the retrograde or backward motion of the sun, +and the third is the motion mentioned in our text--'the sun stood still.' +Now, gentlemen, I do not know whether you see the application of that story +to after-dinner oratory. I hope you do. The after-dinner orator at first +begins and goes straight forward--that is the straightforward motion of the +sun; next he goes back and begins to repeat himself a little, and that is +the retrograde or backward motion of the sun; and at last he has the good +sense to bring himself to an end, and that is the motion mentioned in our +text of the sun standing still." + + +58. NEUTRALIZING POISON + +Col. John H. George, a New Hampshire barrister, tells a good story on +himself. Meeting an old farmer recently whom he had known in his youth, +the old fellow congratulated the Colonel on his youthful appearance. + +"How is it you've managed to keep so fresh and good-looking all these +years?" quoth he. + +"Well," said George, "I'll tell you. I've always drank new rum and voted +the Democratic ticket." + +"Oh! yes," said the old man, "_I see how it is; one pizen neutralizes +the other!_" + + +59. GENERAL BUTLER AND THE SPOONS + +While General Butler was delivering a speech in Boston during an exciting +political campaign, one of his hearers cried out: "How about the spoons, +Ben?" Benjamin's good eye twinkled merrily as he looked bashfully at the +audience, and said: "Now, don't mention that, please. _I was a Republican +when I stole those spoons._" + + +60. MAKING MOST OF ONE'S CAPITAL + +[One should always make the most of his capital, as this orator did.] + +"Fellow-citizens, my competitor has told you of the services he rendered in +the late war. I will follow his example, and I shall tell you of mine. He +basely insinuates that I was deaf to the voice of honor in that crisis. The +truth is, I acted a humble part in that memorable contest. When the tocsin +of war summoned the chivalry of the country to rally to the defense of the +nation, I, fellow-citizens, animated by that patriotic spirit that glows +in every American's bosom, hired a substitute for that war, and the bones +of that man, fellow-citizens, now lie bleaching in the valley of the +Shenandoah!" + + +61. MEETING HALF-WAY + +[But the following man could get even more out of an unpromising +situation.] + +"Now, I want to know," said a man whose veracity had been questioned by +an angry acquaintance, "just why you call me a liar. Be frank, sir; for +frankness is a golden-trimmed virtue. Just as a friend, now, tell me why +you called me a liar." + +"Called you a liar because you are a liar," the acquaintance replied. + +"That's what I call frankness. Why, sir, if this rule were adopted over +half of the difficulties would be settled without trouble, and in our case +there would have been trouble but for our willingness to meet each other +half-way." + + +62. UNFORTUNATE MISTAKE + +Judge ----, who is now a very able Judge of the Supreme Court of one of the +great States of this Union, when he first "came to the bar," was a very +blundering speaker. On one occasion, when he was trying a case of replevin, +involving the right of property to a lot of hogs, he addressed the jury as +follows: + +"Gentlemen of the jury, there were just twenty-four hogs in that +drove--just twenty-four, gentlemen--_exactly twice as many as there are +in that jury-box_!" The effect can be imagined. + + +63. TAKEN AT HIS WORD + +A pretentious person said to the leading man of a country village, "How +would a lecture by me on Mount Vesuvius suit the inhabitants of your +village?" "Very well, sir; very well, indeed," he answered; "a lecture by +you on Mount Vesuvius would suit them a great deal better than a lecture by +you in this village." + + +64. BRAGGING VETERANS + +In warning veterans against exaggerating, a gentleman at a Washington +banquet related the following anecdote of a Revolutionary veteran, who, +having outlived nearly all his comrades, and being in no danger of +contradiction, rehearsed his experience thuswise: "In that fearful day at +Monmouth, although entitled to a horse, I fought on foot. With each blow +I severed an Englishman's head from his body, until a huge pile of heads +lay around me, great pools of blood on either side, and my shoes were so +full of the same dreadful fluid that my feet slipped beneath me. Just then +I felt a touch upon my shoulder, and, looking up, who should I behold but +the great and good Washington himself! Never shall I forget the majesty and +dignity of his presence, as, pressing his hand upon me, he said, 'My young +friend, restrain yourself, and for heaven's sake do not make a +slaughter-house of yourself.'" + + +65. EXCHANGING MINDS + +Heinrich Heine, the German poet, apologizing for feeling dull after a visit +from a professor said: "I am afraid you find me very stupid. The fact is, +Dr. ---- called upon me this morning, and _we exchanged our minds_." + + +66. BUYING A LAWYER + +[The willingness to pay full value for an article is a trait of character +always appreciated.] + +Lawyer B---- called at the office of Counselor F----, who has had +considerable practice in bankruptcy, and said: "See here, F----, I want +to know what the practice is in such and such a case in bankruptcy." + +F----, straightening himself up and looking as wise as possible, replied: +"Well, Mr. B----, I generally get paid for telling what I know." + +B---- put his hand into his pocket, drew forth half a dollar, handed it to +F----, and said: "Here, tell me _all_ you know, and _give me the +change_." + + +67. WOULD NOT SAVE IT + +In the old town of W----, in the Pine-tree State, lived one of those +unfortunate lords of creation who had, in not a very long life, put on +mourning for three departed wives. But time assuages heart-wounds, as well +as those of the flesh. In due time a fourth was inaugurated mistress of +his heart and house. He was a very prudent man, and suffered nothing to be +wasted. When the new mistress was putting things in order, while cleaning +up the attic she came across a long piece of board, and was about launching +it out of the window, when little Sadie interposed, and said: "Oh! don't, +mamma! _that is the board papa lays out his wives on, and he wants to +save it!_" Nevertheless, _out it went_. + + +68. WIDOW OUTWITTED + +In a Western village a charming, well-preserved widow had been courted and +won by a physician. She had children. The wedding-day was approaching, +and it was time the children should know they were to have a new father. +Calling one of them to her, she said: "Georgie, I am going to do something +before long that I would like to talk about with you." + +"Well, ma, what is it!" + +"I am intending to marry Dr. Jones in a few days, and--" + +"Bully for you, ma! _Does Dr. Jones know it?_" + +Ma caught her breath, but failed to articulate a response. + + +69. TOO KIND + +[Where can we find a more touching manifestation of mutual benevolence than +the following.] + +In New Jersey reside two gentlemen, near neighbors and bosom friends, one a +clergyman, Dr. B----, the other a "gentleman of means" named Wilson. Both +were passionately fond of music, and the latter devoted many of his leisure +hours to the study of the violin. One fine afternoon our clerical friend +was in his study, deeply engaged in writing, when there came along one of +those good-for-nothing little Italian players, who planted himself under +his study window, and, much to his annoyance, commenced scraping away on a +squeaky fiddle. After trying in vain for about fifteen minutes to collect +his scattered thoughts, the Doctor descended to the piazza in front of the +house, and said to the boy: + +"Look here, sonny, you go over and play awhile for Mr. Wilson. Here is ten +cents. He lives in that big white house over yonder. He plays the violin, +and likes music better than I do." + +"Well," said the boy, taking the "stamp," "_I would, but he just gave me +ten cents to come over and play for you!_" + + +70. NOT FOOLED TWICE + +San Francisco boasts of a saloon called the Bank Exchange, where the finest +wines and liquors are dispensed at twenty-five cents a glass, with lunches +thrown in free. A plain-looking person went in one morning and called for a +brandy cocktail, and wanted it _strong_. Mr. Parker, as is usual with +him, was very considerate, and mixed the drink in his best style, setting +it down for his customer. After the cocktail had disappeared the man leaned +over the bar and said that he had no change about him then, but would have +soon, when he would pay for the drink. Parker politely remarked that he +should have mentioned the fact before he got the drink; when his customer +remarked: "I tried that on yesterday morning with one of your men, but he +would not let me have the whiskey, so you could not play that dodge on +me again!" This was too good for Parker, and he told the customer he was +welcome to his drink, and was entitled to his hat in the bargain, if he +wanted it. + + +71. BITING SARCASM + +Standing on the steps at the entrance to one of the grand hotels at +Saratoga, a young gentleman, in whom the "dude" species was strongly +developed, had been listening with eager attention to the bright things +which fell from the lips of the well-known wit and orator, Emory A. Storrs. + +At last our exquisite exclaimed: "Er--Mr. Storrs,--I--er--wish, oh! how +I--er--_wish_! that I had your--er--cheek." + +Mr. Storrs instantly annihilated him with: "It is a most fortunate +dispensation of Providence that you have not. For, _with my cheek and +your brains_, you would be kicked down these steps in no time!" + + +72. INCORRIGIBLE NEIGHBOR + +A lady in California had a troublesome neighbor, whose cattle overrun her +ranch, causing much damage. The lady bore the annoyance patiently, hoping +that some compunction would be felt for the damage inflicted. At last she +caught a calf which was making havoc in her garden, and sent it home with a +child, saying, "Tell Mrs. A. that the calf has eaten nearly everything in +the garden, and I have scarcely a cabbage left." + +The feelings of the injured lady may be imagined when she received this +reply: "The cabbage nearly all eaten! Well, I must get over and borrow some +before it is all gone!" + + +73. DISGUSTED OFFICER + +Some years since a party of Indians drove off all the live-stock at Fort +Lancaster. A few days afterward Captain ---- was passing through the post, +and stopped a couple of days for rest. While there an enthusiastic officer +took him out to show him the trail of the bad Indians, how they came, which +way they went, etc. After following the trail for some distance the Captain +turned to his guide and exclaimed: "Look here; if you want to find any +Indians, you can find them; _I haven't lost any_, and am going back to +camp." + + +74. IRATE PRISONER + +A man arrested for stealing chickens was brought to trial. The case was +given to the jury, who brought him in guilty, and the judge sentenced +him to three months' imprisonment. The jailer was a jovial man, fond of +a _smile_, and feeling particularly good on that particular day, +considered himself insulted when the prisoner looking around his cell told +him it was dirty, and not fit for a hog to be put in. One word brought on +another, till finally the jailer told the prisoner if he did not behave +himself he would put him out. To which the prisoner replied: "I will give +you to understand, sir, I have as good a right here as you have!" + + +75. TRUTHFUL PRISONER + +The eccentric old King of Prussia, father of Frederick the Great, while +visiting the Potsdam prison, was much interested in the professions of +innocence the prisoners made. Some blamed their conviction on the prejudice +of judges; others, upon the perjury of witnesses or the tricks of bad +companions. At length he accosted a sturdy, closely-fettered prisoner with +the remark, "I suppose you are innocent, too." + +"No, your Majesty," was the unexpected response. "I am guilty, and richly +deserve all I get." + +"Here, you turnkey," thundered the monarch, "come and turn out this rascal, +quick, before he corrupts this fine lot of innocent and abused people that +you have about you." + + +76. RULING PASSION + +There are persons now living in Bennington who remember old Billy B----, of +whom it might be said he furnished an example of the "ruling passion strong +in death." When very ill, and friends were expecting an early demise, +his nephew and a man hired for the occasion had butchered a steer which +had been fattened; and when the job was completed the nephew entered the +sick-room, where a few friends were assembled, when, to the astonishment of +all, the old man opened his eyes, and turning his head slightly, said, in a +full voice, drawing out the words: + +"What have you been doing?" + +"Killing the steer," was the reply. + +"What did you do with the hide?" + +"Left it in the barn; going to sell it by-and-by." + +"Let the boys drag it around the yard a couple of times; it will make it +weigh heavier." + +And the good old man was gathered unto his fathers. + + +77. BAD SPECULATION + +[This is told of bears, rattlesnakes, etc., as well as Indians.] + +At a recent festive occasion a gentleman who was making a few remarks was +repeatedly interrupted by another one of the company. He bore it patiently +at first, but finally said that it reminded him of a story he had heard. He +said that a man, whom business had called away a short distance from his +home in the city, thought he would pay his way back again by purchasing +a number of hogs and driving them home. He did so, but when he and the +hogs arrived at their destination the market for the latter had fallen +considerably in price, and the hogs had also lost weight on the journey. It +was remarked to him that he had made rather a bad speculation. "Yes--well, +yes," he answered reflectively. "Yes--but then, you see, _I had their +company all the way_!" + + +78. SATISFIED WITH HIS SITUATION + +[The following may not be strictly true, but it well illustrates that there +is always a lower depth in misfortune, and--that Western roads are often +somewhat muddy.] + +Some years ago, when riding along one of the almost impassable roads in the +far West, I observed a dark-looking object lying in the middle of the road, +and my natural curiosity impelled me to dismount and examine it. It proved +to be a hat, somewhat muddy and dilapidated, but emphatically a hat. On +lifting it up, to my surprise I found that it covered a head--a human +head--which protruded sufficiently out of the mud to be recognizable as +such. I ventured to address the evidently wide-awake head, and remarked +that it seemed to be in a pretty bad sort of a fix. + +"Wa'al, yes!" the lips replied; "you're about right thar, stranger; _but +then I ain't anyway near as bad off as the horse that's under me_!" + + +79. A GOOD WORD FOR THE DEVIL + +A conference preacher one day went into the house of a Wesleyan Reformer, +and saw the portraits of three expelled ministers suspended from the walls. + +"What!" said he, "have you got them hanging there?" + +"Oh! yes," was the answer; "they are there." + +"Ah! well; but one is wanted to complete the set." + +"Pray, who is that?" + +"Why, the devil, to be sure." + +"Ah!" said the Reformer, "but he is not yet expelled from the Conference." + + +80. MARRYING A WIDOW + +In Cadiz, Ohio, a preacher was summoned to the hotel to make an expectant +couple one. In the course of the preliminary inquiries the groom was asked +if he had been married before, and admitted that he had been--three times. +"And is this lady a widow," was also asked, but he responded promptly and +emphatically, "No, sir; _I never marry widows_." + + +81. A GOOD SALE + +Several years ago there resided in Saratoga County a lawyer of considerable +ability and reputation, but of no great culture, who had an unusually fine +taste in paintings and engravings--the only evidence of refinement he +ever exhibited. A clergyman of the village in which he lived, knowing his +fondness for such things, introduced to him an agent of a publishing house +in the city who was issuing a pictorial Bible in numbers. The specimen +of the style of work exhibited to the lawyer was a very beautiful one, +and he readily put down his name for a copy. But in the progress of the +publication the character of the engravings rapidly deteriorated, much +to the disgust of the enlightened lawyer. The picture of Joseph, very +indifferently done, provoked him beyond endurance, and seizing several of +the numbers he sallied forth to reproach the parson for leading him into +such a bad bargain. "Look at these wretched scratches," said he, turning +the pages over, "and see how I have been imposed upon! Here is a portrait +of Joseph, whom his brethren sold to the Egyptians for twenty pieces of +silver; and let me tell you, parson, _if Joseph looked like that it was +a mighty good sale_!" + + +82. TRIUMPHS OF MEDICINE + +A priest was called upon by a superstitious parishioner, who asked him to +do something for her sick cow. He disclaimed knowing anything about such +matters, but could not put her off. She insisted that if he would only +say some words over the cow, the animal would surely recover. Worn out +with importunity, he seized his book in desperation, walked around the +four-legged patient several times, repeating in a sonorous voice the Latin +words, which mean, "If you die, you die; and if you live, you live," and +rushed off disgusted. But the woman was delighted, and sooth to say the cow +quickly recovered. + +But in time the good man himself was taken sick, and grew rapidly worse. +His throat was terribly swollen, and all medical aid was exhausted. The +word passed around the parish that the priest must die. When Bridget heard +the peril of her favorite pastor she was inspired by a mighty resolve. She +hurried to the sick-room, entered against the protest of the friends who +were weeping around, and with out a word to any one with her strong hands +dragged his reverence's bed to the middle of the floor, and with the exact +copy of his very gestures and voice marched around the bed, repeating the +sonorous and well-remembered Latin phrase, "If you die, you die; and if you +live, you live." The priest fell into a fit of uncontrollable laughter, and +in his struggle for breath and self-control the gathering in his throat +broke and his life was saved! + +Mighty are the triumphs of medicine! + + +83. TIT FOR TAT + +An old fellow in a neighboring town, who is original in all things, +especially in excessive egotism, and who took part in the late war, was +one day talking to a crowd of admiring listeners, and boasting of his many +bloody exploits, when he was interrupted by the question: + +"I say, old Joe, how many of the enemy did you kill during the war?" + +"How many did I kill sir? _how many_ enemies did I kill? Well, I don't +know just 'zactly _how_ many; but I know this much--I killed as many +o' them _as they did o' me_!" + + +84. SLEEPING ON TOP + +During a homeward trip of the "Henry Chauncey," from Aspinwall, the +steerage passengers were so numerous as to make them uncomfortable. As +for sleeping accommodation, it was aptly described by a Californian, who +approached the captain, and said: + +"I should like to have a sleeping-berth, if you please." + +"Why, where have you been sleeping these last two nights since we left?" + +"Wa'al, I've been sleeping a-top of a sick man; _but he's better now, and +won't stand it no longer_!" + + +85. SAMBO AND THE LAWYER + +In a Macon (Ga.) court the other day a lawyer was cross-examining a negro +witness, and was getting along fairly well until he asked the witness what +his occupation was. "I'se a carpenter, sah." "What kind of a carpenter?" +"They calls me a jackleg carpenter, sah." "What is a jackleg carpenter?" +"He is a carpenter who is not a first-class carpenter, sah." "Well, explain +fully what you understand a jackleg carpenter to be," insisted the lawyer. +"Boss, I declare I dunno how ter splain any mo' 'cept to say hit am jes' +the same difference 'twixt you an' a fust-class lawyer." + + +86. SIXTY-CENT NAP + +On board a train in the West an eccentric preacher wanted a sleeping-berth, +but had only sixty cents, while the lowest price was a dollar. Naturally +he did not get on very fast with the porter; but after wearing out the +patience of that functionary in vain efforts to stretch the sixty cents, +the conductor was sent for. All proposals to borrow, to pledge an old +Waterbury watch, and other financial expedients failed; but the circle +was squared when the preacher said, "I'll lie down, and _when I have +slept sixty cents worth, you send that bed-shaker to rout me out_." The +procession started for the sleeper amid the hilarity of the passengers, but +the tradition is that he slept the whole night through and far into the +morning. + + +87. PREFERRED TO WALK + +A great traveler once found himself on the shore of the Sea of Galilee. He +was at once beset by boatmen, who wanted to take him out to sail on the +waters where Christ had walked. He yielded to their importunities, and +returned to the shore in about an hour. But his devout meditations were +greatly disturbed when he was told that the charge was $10. With energy +he declared that it was robbery, that it was not worth so much to sail +all over their little lake, and demanded, "What makes you charge so +dreadfully?" "Why," said the innocent boatman, "because dese ese de lake +were de Saviour walked on de water." "Walked! walked! did He? Well, if +the boatmen of that day charged as you fellows do, I should think He +_would_ walk." + + +88. HORACE GREELEY'S JOKE + +On one occasion a person, who wished to have a little fun at the expense of +his constituency, said in a group where Horace Greeley was standing: "Mr. +Greeley and I, gentlemen, are old friends. We have drunk a good deal of +brandy and water together." "Yes," said Mr. Greeley, "that is true enough. +You drank the brandy, and I drank the water." + + +89. DOCTORS AND DEADHEADS + +Fifty years ago the principal avenue of Detroit had a toll-gate close +to the entrance of the Elmwood Cemetery road. As this cemetery had been +laid out some time previous to the construction of the plank road, it was +arranged that all funeral processions should be allowed to pass along the +latter toll-free. One day as a well-known physician stopped to pay his +toll, he observed to the gate-keeper: + +"Considering the benevolent character of our profession, I think you ought +to let physicians pass free of charge." + +"No, no, doctor," replied the man; "we can't afford that. You send too many +'deadheads' through here as it is." + +The story traveled, and the two words became associated. + + +90. BOOMING A TOWN + +They tell a story of a man who came into Omaha one day, and wanted to trade +his farm for some city lots. "All right," replied the real-estate agent, +"get into my buggy, and I'll drive you out to see some of the finest +residence sites in the world--water, sewers, paved streets, cement +sidewalks, electric light, shade trees, and all that sort of thing," and +away they drove four or five miles into the country. The real-estate +agent expatiated upon the beauty of the surroundings, the value of the +improvements made and projected, the convenience of the location, the ease +and speed with which people who lived there could reach town, and the +certainty of an active demand for such lots in the immediate future. Then, +when he was breathless, he turned to his companion, and asked: + +"Where's your farm?" + +"We passed it coming out here," was the reply. "It's about two miles nearer +town." + + +91. ATHLETIC NURSE + +Young Wife--"Why, dear, you were the stroke oar at college, weren't you?" + +Young Husband--"Yes, love." + +"And a prominent member of the gymnastic class?" + +"I was leader." + +"And quite a hand at all athletic exercises?" + +"Quite a hand? My gracious! I was champion walker, the best runner, the +head man at lifting heavy weights, and as for carrying--why, I could +shoulder a barrel of flour and--" + +"Well, love, just please carry the baby for a couple of hours, I'm tired." + + +92. TOO PREMATURE + +[Anything rather premature may be illustrated by the following:] + +A spring bird that had taken time by the forelock flew across the lawn near +this city one day last week. His probable fate is best described in this +pathetic verse, author unknown: + + "The first bird of spring + Essayed for to sing; + But ere he had uttered a note + He fell from the limb, + A dead bird was him, + The music had friz in his throat." + + +93. A BEWILDERED IRISHMAN + +The poet Shelley tells an amusing story of the influence that language +"hard to be understood" exercises on the vulgar mind. Walking near Covent +Garden, London, he accidentally jostled against an Irish navvy, who, being +in a quarrelsome mood, seemed inclined to attack the poet. A crowd of +ragged sympathizers began to gather, when Shelley, calmly facing them, +deliberately pronounced: + +"I have put my hand into the hamper, I have looked on the sacred barley, I +have eaten out of the drum. I have drunk and am well pleased. I have said, +'Knox Ompax,' and it is finished." + +The effect was magical, the astonished Irishman fell back; his friends +began to question him. "What barley?" "Where's the hamper?" "What have you +been drinking?" and Shelley walked away unmolested. + + +94. OBEYING ORDERS + +When General Sickles, after the second battle of Bull Run, assumed command +of a division of the Army of the Potomac, he gave an elaborate farewell +dinner to the officers of his old Excelsior Brigade. + +"Now, boys, we will have a family gathering," he said to them, as they +assembled in his quarters. Pointing to the table, he continued: "Treat it +as you would the enemy." + +As the feast ended, an Irish officer was discovered by Sickles in the act +of stowing away three bottles of champagne in his saddle-bags. + +"What are you doing, sir," gasped the astonished General. + +"Obeying orders, sir," replied the captain, in a firm voice: "You told us +to treat the dinner as we would the enemy, and you know, General, what we +can't kill we capture." + + +95. A SPEECH FROM THE REAR PLATFORM + +An Irish street-car conductor called out shrilly to the passengers standing +in the aisle: + +"Will thim in front plaze to move up, so that thim behind can take the +places of thim in front, an' lave room for thim who are nayther in front +nor behind?" + + +96. A WAY OUT OF IT + +"What's the matter with you," asked a gentleman of a friend whom he met. +"You looked puzzled and worried." + +"I am," said the friend. "Maybe you can help me out" + +"Well, what is it?" + +"I am subject at intervals," said the friend, "to the wildest craving +for beefsteak and onions. It has all the characteristics of a confirmed +drunkard's craving for rum. This desire came upon me a few minutes ago, and +I determined to gratify it. Then suddenly I remembered that I had promised +to call this evening on some ladies, and I must keep that promise. Yet my +stomach is shouting for beefsteak and onions, and I am wavering between +duty and appetite." + +"Can't you wait until after the call?" asked the gentleman, solicitously. + +"Never," said the friend, earnestly. + +"Can't you postpone the call?" + +"Impossible," declared the friend. + +"Well," said the gentleman, "I'll tell you what to do: go to John +Chamberlin's café; order your beefsteak and onions, and eat them. When +you get your bill it will be so big that it will _quite take your breath +away_." + + +97. THE EXTENT OF SCIENCE + +"And now," said the learned lecturer on geology who had addressed a small +but deeply attentive audience at the village hall, "I have tried to make +these problems, abstruse as they may appear, and involving in their +solution the best thoughts, the closest analysis, and the most profound +investigations of our noblest scientific men for many years; I have tried, +I say, to make them seem comparatively simple and easily understood, in the +light of modern knowledge. Before I close this lecture I shall be glad to +answer any questions that may occur to you as to points that appear to need +clearing up or that may have been overlooked." + +There was a silence of a few moments, and then an anxious-looking man in +the rear of the hall rose up. + +"I would take it as a favor," he said, "if you could tell me whether +science has produced as yet any reliable and certain cure for warts." + + +98. WHAT'S IN A NAME? + +One of the managers of a home for destitute colored children tells a funny +story about the institution. She went out there to see how things were +getting along, and found a youngster as black as the inside of a coal mine +tied to a bed-post, with his hands behind him. + +"What is that boy tied up there for?" she demanded of the attendant. + +"For lying, ma'am. He is the worstist, lyingest nigger I ever seen." + +"What's his name? + +"George Washington, ma'am," was the paralyzing reply. + + +99. STILL ROOM FOR RESEARCH + +"What is this new substance I hear so much about?" asked the eminent +scientist's wife. + +"What new substance, my dear?" + +"The element in the air that has just been detected." + +"Oh! that, my dear," he answered, beaming over his spectacles with the good +nature of superior wisdom, "is known as argon!" + +"Oh!" + +"Yes; its discovery is one of the most remarkable triumphs of the age. It +has revolutionized some of the old theories, or at least it will +revolutionize them before it gets through." + +"What is it?" + +"It's--er--a--did you say, what is it?" + +"I said that." + +"Well--ahem--you see, we haven't as yet discovered much about it except its +name." + + +100. HE WAS "'PISCOPAL" + +An Episcopal clergyman passing his vacation in Indiana met an old farmer +who declared that he was a "'Piscopal." + +"To what parish do you belong?" asked the clergyman. + +"Don't know nawthin' 'bout enny parish," was the answer. + +"Well, then," continued the clergyman, "what diocese do you belong to?" + +"They ain't nawthin' like that 'round here," said the farmer. + +"Who confirmed you, then?" was the next question. + +"Nobody," answered the farmer. + +"Then how are you an Episcopalian?" asked the clergyman. + +"Well," was the reply, "you see it's this way: Last winter I went down +to Arkansas visitin', and while I was there I went to church, and it was +called 'Piscopal, and I he'rd them say 'that they left undone the things +what they'd oughter done and they had done some things what they oughten +done,' and I says to myself, says I: 'That's my fix exac'ly, and ever since +I considered myself a 'Piscopalian." + +The clergyman shook the old fellow's hand, and laughingly said: + +"Now I understand, my friend, why the membership of our church is so +large." + + +101. JOHNNY'S EXCUSE + +A little girl brought a note to her school-teacher one morning, which read +as follows. "Dear teacher, please excuse Johnny for not coming to school +today. He is dead." Johnny was excused. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Toasts, by William Pittenger + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TOASTS *** + +***** This file should be named 7427-8.txt or 7427-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/4/2/7427/ + +Produced by Ted Garvin, William Flis and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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