diff options
Diffstat (limited to '75448-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 75448-0.txt | 8154 |
1 files changed, 8154 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/75448-0.txt b/75448-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..55fa16a --- /dev/null +++ b/75448-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8154 @@ + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75448 *** + + + + + + Transcriber’s Note + Italic text displayed as: _italic_ + + + + +[Illustration: _Yours Sincerely_ + + _Dorothy Dix_] + + + + + _Dorothy Dix—Her Book_ + + + Every-day Help + For Every-day People + + + [Illustration: Decoration] + + SECOND EDITION + + + FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY + NEW YORK and LONDON + 1927 + + + + + COPYRIGHT, 1926, BY + FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY + [Printed in the United States of America] + Published, August, 1926 + + + Copyright Under the Articles of the Copyright Convention + of the Pan-American Republics and the + United States, August 11, 1910. + + + + +_Contents_ + + + CHAPTER PAGE + + FOREWORD xi + + INTRODUCTION xix + + I HOW A HUSBAND LIKES TO BE TREATED 1 + + II CHARM 10 + + III THE ORDINARY WOMAN 22 + + IV TEACH THE CHILDREN TO LOVE FATHER 27 + + V STRIKE A BALANCE WITH MATRIMONY 32 + + VI JEALOUSY 39 + + VII HAVE A GOAL 44 + + VIII THE GOAT FAMILY 48 + + IX SPOILING A WIFE 53 + + X THE ABSENCE CURE FOR FAMILY ILLS 58 + + XI THE DEADLY RIVAL 63 + + XII LEARN A TRADE, GIRLS 67 + + XIII TRIAL DIVORCE 76 + + XIV MARRY THE MAN YOU LOVE 81 + + XV ARE YOU GOOD COMPANY FOR YOURSELF? 87 + + XVI KEEPING YOUNG 92 + + XVII GOSSIP, THE POLICEMAN 96 + + XVIII THE LUCKY WORKING WOMAN 100 + + XIX AN INDOOR SPORT 105 + + XX SHOULD WOMEN TELL? 109 + + XXI DOMESTIC BOREDOM 114 + + XXII TO MARRY OR NOT TO MARRY 118 + + XXIII WOMAN’S GREATEST GIFT 122 + + XXIV GRAFTING ON THE OLD FOLKS 127 + + XXV ARE YOU A GOOD FATHER? 132 + + XXVI THE MORAL MUSCLES OF YOUR CHILDREN 136 + + XXVII THE MOTHER-IN-LAW 140 + + XXVIII WHY OUR FAMILIES RILE US 145 + + XXIX OUR LIVES ARE WHAT WE MAKE THEM 149 + + XXX HUSBAND LOSERS 154 + + XXXI MARTHA OR MARY? 159 + + XXXII THE T. B. M. AT HOME 163 + + XXXIII DON’T BE AFRAID TO LET YOUR HUSBAND SEE YOU LOVE HIM 169 + + XXXIV QUEER THINGS ABOUT MARRIAGE 174 + + XXXV HUSBANDS—THE LIVING CONUNDRUM 180 + + XXXVI THE POWER OF SUGGESTION 185 + + XXXVII WOMAN’S MISSIONARY OPPORTUNITY 190 + + XXXVIII HOW TO BE A GOOD HUSBAND 195 + + XXXIX GIVING CHILDREN ADVANTAGES 200 + + XL SELL YOURSELF TO YOUR CHILDREN 205 + + XLI TAKING HUSBANDS “AS IS” 210 + + XLII BEING A GOOD WIFE 215 + + XLIII INVALIDISM A GRAFT 222 + + XLIV SELFISHNESS MADE TO ORDER 227 + + XLV SELF-CONTROL 231 + + XLVI OLD FATHERS AND NEW DAUGHTERS 236 + + XLVII LOSING A WIFE’S LOVE 240 + + XLVIII THE LURE OF THE MARRIED MAN 245 + + XLIX FORGET IT 249 + + L LOST LOVE 254 + + LI THE SHOW WEDDING 259 + + LII WHEN YOUR CHILDREN ARE GLAD YOU DIE 264 + + LIII WHAT PRICE PLEASURE? 269 + + LIV THE IDEAL MOTHER 273 + + LV HOW TO CATCH A WIFE 278 + + LVI DANGEROUS GIRLS 283 + + LVII WHEN A GIRL LOVES A MAN 288 + + LVIII MARRIAGE LESSONS 293 + + LIX THE SUPERIOR BUSINESS WOMAN 297 + + LX NEW IDEALS FOR OLD 301 + + LXI WHY DIVORCE IS COMMON 305 + + LXII THE CHILDREN PAY 310 + + LXIII THE LEARNED PROFESSION OF HOME-MAKING 315 + + LXIV A FATHER’S INFLUENCE 320 + + LXV THE RICHES OF POOR CHILDREN 325 + + LXVI A MAN’S RIGHT TO HIS HOME 330 + + LXVII DEVOURING FRIENDS 334 + + LXVIII THE SECRET OF HAPPINESS 338 + + LXIX PREPAREDNESS FOR OLD AGE 343 + + + + +_Foreword_ + + + + +_Dorothy Dix—Her Book_ + +A FOREWORD BY RICHARD DUFFY + + +To the accurately estimated millions of readers who are familiar with +Dorothy Dix’s understanding and interpretation of the plain facts +of everyday life and also its enigmas, it may appear a presumption +that one should attempt a foreword of explanation to make clear why a +choice of her daily contributions to the press, not only in the United +States and Canada, but also in farther regions of the world, should +be deemed worthy of the more permanent shelter of book covers. But it +becomes at once justifiable when we try to present a true account of +the work of “The Little Lady of New Orleans,” as one of her oldest +editors calls her. She herself confesses that, among the hundreds of +letters she receives each day from men and women, young, adult and +aged, there recur the questions: “Are you a real person, or only a +newspaper syndicate name?” “Are you a man, or are you a woman?” “Are +you married or single?” “Have you ever been married?” “If you have not +been married, would you marry?” “If you have been married—and are not +now—would you marry again?” “Have you any children? If so—are they +boys or girls—and how many?” It must be emphasized that the questions +above recorded are not asked by correspondents merely curious, who put +the questions just to probe the author of the Dorothy Dix articles. +Not at all, these questions are asked in letters revealing the puzzles +of life that entangle the very writers who address Dorothy Dix. Before +they make the simplest inquiry as to the trustworthiness of Dorothy +Dix, they tell their own troubles in the way we all have of saying: +“Of course what I have said to you is wholly confidential. Now let me +know where you stand—I mean about absolute personal fidelity.” To a +hard-boiled business man, or business woman, such a remark seems trite. +Yet, we must remember that hard-boiled business persons run to the +courts every so often to discover between themselves, at great expense, +how personal fidelity, in gush and in fact, sharply contrast. + +The self-styled hard-boiled people and the people who pretend they +are less sophisticated than they are, look to Dorothy Dix for a way +out of all their troubles. These two classes are to be reckoned with, +because they are always telling their troubles to some confidant—the +less known, the better. But the vast majority of the people who write +to Dorothy Dix for counsel and guidance are profoundly sincere and +earnest, not so much because they fear to be otherwise, but because +they are so firmly persuaded of the sincerity and earnestness of life +itself, when they look it square in the face and without pose of any +kind. All and any of these correspondents of Dorothy Dix are struggling +with their problems of how to make life livable. In the case of the +young woman who has a good job and, at the same time, has a good home +with her parents, the question arises whether she should marry the man +she likes, and who on his part likes her, and then undertake to become +a parent herself without a salaried job and without the safeguard +of the home provided by her father and mother. On the other side +there appears the problem of the young man, who would marry, but for +responsibilities, psychological as well as financial, that make him +stop, look and listen before he leaves a dependent father and mother +unsupported. + +We pass to the men and women who are actually married and suddenly +discover that they are facing the real and inevitable conflict of life +at home as compared with the daily battle of the business world. Some +husbands are go-getters, but they do not get anywhere because their +wives are shiftless as home managers, or because they are spendthrifts, +and would always, without trying, spend twice as much money as any +husband has, or can earn. Some wives are the best of helpmates, but are +linked to husbands who simply cannot or will not achieve the quiet +fame of a weekly pay-envelope which is the rock foundation of “Home +Sweet Home.” + +Some wives are afflicted with the disease of “social climbing.” They +spend their days and nights proving to their husbands that for every +dollar earned, it is better to spend two dollars, in order to take a +chance at three, by inviting the Smiths to the theatre and to supper +afterward. Such wives usually overlook the fact that the Smiths, with +whom they would curry favor at great expense, are themselves spending +two dollars for every one dollar gained on the principle that it is a +good investment to obtain equal social standing with the Joneses. + +Also to be encountered in this book are the varied specimens of +husbands and wives who have become tired of each other and seek from +Dorothy Dix guidance towards a way out of what they consider the +morass of marriage. Then, too, we meet the father, or the mother, who +is perplexed about the way children grow up nowadays—as tho the way +children grew up has not always been a surprise to parents since the +days of Romulus and Remus. To sum up, all _dramatis personæ_ in the +stupendous play of life, being enacted day in and day out, as we live, +are brought on the world’s stage before us, not so much by Dorothy +Dix as by themselves in the confidences they repose in her and the +disclosures they make about themselves. + +Despite this fact there never has been nor will there be anything +merely approaching a betrayal of confidence by Dorothy Dix. She talks +to the whole world of men and women, and their worries and concerns are +so alike that all shadow of individual identity is lost. She talks to +them, not from the pedestal of the highbrow, but from the average level +of a human being, who herself has fought the grim battle of life—as may +be learned from her personal statement, which immediately follows these +pages. One of the most distinguished of living American novelists, on +being shown a few letters in her day’s mail, asked: + +“How many such letters do you receive a month?” + +She replied: “It takes me from three to four hours each day to answer +my correspondents—and then I have to write my articles besides.” + +“Great Scott!” exclaimed the novelist. “You have more plots in a day’s +letters than any hard-working novelist could invent in a year.” + +But none of these potential plots is available even for the most +prolific of story-writers, because they are not “plots” to Dorothy Dix, +but sacred testimonies to the help the “Little Lady of New Orleans” has +been able to render through many years to her ever-increasing number of +friends and confidants. + + + + +_Introduction_ + + + + +_Introduction_ + +MY PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE + + +I have had what people call a hard life. I have been through the depths +of poverty and sickness. I have known want and struggle and anxiety and +despair. I have always had to work beyond the limit of my strength. + +As I look back upon my life, I see it as a battlefield strewn with the +wrecks of dead dreams and broken hopes and shattered illusions—a battle +in which I always fought with the odds tremendously against me, and +which has left me scarred and bruised and maimed and old before my time. + +Yet I have no pity for myself; no tears to shed over the past and gone +sorrows; no envy for the women who have been spared all that I have +gone through. + +For I have lived. They have only existed. I have drunk the cup of life +down to the very dregs. They have only sipped at the bubbles on the top +of it. + +I know things they will never know. I see things to which they are +blind. It is only the women whose eyes have been washed clear with +tears who get the broad vision that makes them little sisters to all +the world. + +This of itself is a compensation for many sorrows, but I have more. I +have proved myself to myself. I know that I have the strength to endure +and the courage to carry on, and that I will not be craven enough to +run up the white flag, no matter what other difficulties I may be +called upon to meet. + +The skeleton at the feast of the woman who has always been happy and +prosperous is fear. She becomes panic-stricken when she thinks that +she may be called upon to meet trouble; that she may have hardships +to endure; that her soul may be torn with suffering. She suffers +with apprehension at the thought of poverty, and wonders how she +could endure to go shabby and do without the things to which she is +accustomed. She wonders helplessly what she would do if she had to earn +her own living. + +_I am not afraid of poverty_ because I have been poor and I know that +poverty has its consolations and brings you pleasures that money cannot +buy. Nor am I afraid to support myself. I have earned my bread and +butter for many years. I know the joy of work and I know that to a +woman, just the satisfaction of knowing that she is self-supporting +turns her crust into angel’s food. + +None of the fears with which happy women torture themselves upon +occasion have any terrors for me. I know them for the bogies they are, +and know, too, that they fly away before the person who does not cringe +before them. + +Often I am tempted to envy the woman who has always had some strong +man to stand between her and the world, some man whose tenderness and +love has guarded and protected her. But I am consoled for not being a +clinging vine when I wonder what the vine would do and think how broken +it would be if the sturdy oak on which it hangs were laid low. + +I have learned in the great University of Hard Knocks a philosophy that +no woman who has had an easy life ever acquires. I have learned to live +each day as it comes, and not to borrow trouble by dreading to-morrow. +It is the dark menace of the future that makes cowards of us. I put +that dread from me because experience has taught me that when the time +comes that I so fear, the strength and wisdom to meet it will be given +me. + +Little annoyances have no longer the power to affect me. After you have +seen your whole edifice of happiness topple and crash in ruins about +you, it never matters to you again that a servant forgets to put the +doilies under the finger bowls or the cook spills the soup. + +I have learned not to expect too much of people and so I can still +get happiness out of the friend who isn’t quite true to me, or the +acquaintance who gossips about me, and I can even find pleasure in the +society of those whose motives I see through. + +Above all I have acquired a sense of humor, because there were so many +things over which I had either to laugh or cry. And when a woman can +joke over her troubles instead of having hysterics, nothing can ever +hurt her much again. + +So I do not regret the hardships I have known because through them I +have touched life at every point. I have lived. And it was worth the +price I had to pay. + + DOROTHY DIX. + + + + +_Dorothy Dix—Her Book_ + + + + +_Dorothy Dix—Her Book_ + + + + +I + +HOW A HUSBAND LIKES TO BE TREATED + + +Altho marriage has been the chief business of woman since Eve +pulled off the first wedding in the Garden of Eden, women have not +yet mastered the first indispensable principle of success in their +profession. Millions of women have been married. Hundreds of thousands +of women marry annually, and yet, as a class, women do not know how to +treat a husband. + +Here and there is a shining exception to this rule, and the result is +an inspiring picture of domestic bliss. But the great majority of women +still go stumbling along into misery and divorce because they have not +had the wit to find out how to rub man’s fur the right way, and make +him purr under their hands. + +In a word, women fail to strike just the right note in their attitude +towards their husbands. Sometimes they treat them better than they +deserve. Sometimes worse, but seldom do they treat the men just as the +men would like to be treated. + +Perhaps the real reason that women fail in this most important +particular is because they make the mistake of treating a husband as +if he were a rational human being, and the same sort of an individual +inside of the home circle that he is outside of it. + +Never was there a greater error. The John Smith to whom a woman is +married is no more the John Smith of the business world than he is some +other man. + +The John Smith, who is a lawyer, or a doctor, or a grocer in the +outer world, is a big, strong, broad, self-reliant man who looks at +everything in a large way, and is just, and tolerant, and even stoical +in meeting the vicissitudes of life. The woman who marries him has +perceived all of these qualities, and loved him for them, and she +naturally expects him to exhibit these characteristics in home life. + +Fatal blunder. John Smith, the business man, may be dealt with on a +plain, sensible, aboveboard platform, but John Smith the husband, has +to be jollied, and cajoled, and petted, and wheedled along the road he +should go, if there is anything doing in the domestic felicity line in +the household of which he is the alleged head. + +Now the majority of husbands average up quite as well as the majority +of wives, but even when a man is really good, and true, and strong, +experience teaches his wife that there are three ways in which he likes +her to treat him. They are: + +(a) Like a baby. + +(b) Like a demigod. + +(c) Like a good fellow. + +No matter how big and strong a man is, nor how many other men he +bosses, he wants his wife to treat him as if he were a delicate infant +who had to be petted, and nursed, and dandled, and chucked under the +chin. There isn’t a man living whose secret ideal of a perfect wife +isn’t a woman who puts the buttons in his shirt, and lays out his +collar and tie in the morning, who has his slippers toasting on the +radiator when he comes home of an evening, and who cooks just the +particular thing he likes to eat, with her own hands. + +Talk about your women who can hand out intellectual companionship! +Produce your living pictures! Exhibit your paragons of virtue! They are +simply not one, two, three with the wise dame who pets and fusses over +her lord and master. And it isn’t because the man really wants his wife +to wait on him. That doesn’t enter into it at all. He’s just like the +three-year-old who howls for mama to put on his shoes or butter his +bread when there are seven nurses standing around to do it. + +Men are babyish in wanting their wives to show them off. The +expression on the face of little Tommy while his fond mother is telling +the smart things that he said, is exactly the same expression that +is on Tommy’s father’s face while his wife is bragging about how he +organized a trust, or won a big lawsuit, or was elected judge. + +Wise,—oh, a daughter of Solomon is the woman who puts her husband +through his paces for the benefit of company. Matrimony is one long, +glad sweet song in the household of the lady who acts as a showman for +hubby. + +Consider also a man when he is sick, or thinks he is sick. How does he +want to be treated then? Like a baby. He wants his wife to sit by his +bed, and hold his hand, and weep tears of sympathy, and if she doesn’t +believe he is going to die every time he has a headache, he considers +her a cold, heartless icicle and doubts her affection. + +Therefore, the very first principle in treating a husband is to treat +him as if he was your littlest baby, and if you do, he will gurgle, and +coo just as your two-year-old does when you smother him with kisses, +and asks: “‘Oose de most booflest boy on earf, an’ mudders itty, pitty +wonder, and world beater?” + +Secondly, every husband likes to be treated as if he were a demigod. + +Men won’t admit it, but in his soul every husband feels that he has +conferred such an inestimable boon upon his wife by marrying her that +she can never really repay him, anyway, but that it is up to her +to keep busy on the job. Therefore, the least she can do is to act +grateful. + +The real reason why there is a continual conflict in most families over +the money question is not because husbands are stingy, but because a +man likes to dole the money out, piece by piece, so that the woman who +gets it may have a living exhibition of his generosity. + +When a man complains about how extravagant his wife is, and how much +her hat and dress cost, it doesn’t mean that he begrudges her a single +garment or the price thereof. On the contrary, it is his way of +boasting to the world of how prosperous he is, and how well he provides +for his family. Stupid, indeed, is the woman who does not comprehend +this, and who does not keep her glad rags hanging in public, so to +speak, and continually beat upon the cymbal, and chant pæans of praise +about how good her husband is to provide her with her lovely clothes. + +Nor is this as silly as it sounds. The average man gets practically +nothing out of his labor, after he has supported his family, but his +board and clothes, and it is pretty discouraging to spend your life +toiling for those who take all that you can give, and make no sign of +appreciation in return. So it is not strange that husbands like their +wives to treat them as a beneficent providence from whom all blessings +flow. + +Husbands like to be treated as good fellows. + +If the average married man could put up one prayer more fervent than +all the rest it would be this: “Lord, send me a wife who laughs, and a +home that isn’t an understudy to a funeral parlor!” + +But his prayer isn’t often answered. + +Now one of the great reasons why so many husbands and wives make +shipwreck of their lives together is because a man is always seeking +for happiness, while a woman is on a perpetual still hunt for trouble. +When anything uncomfortable happens to a man he tries to forget it, +to put it behind him, to get it out of his thoughts, even if he has +to drown it in drink. When a misfortune befalls a woman she gloats +over it. She keeps pressing her finger on every sore until she makes a +raging abscess of it. Then she goes on a jag of tears. + +The result of this feminine peculiarity is that the average home is not +a cheerful place, nor is the average wife a joyous companion, and that +is why a very large number of husbands seek their amusements elsewhere, +and with other people. The greatest danger that menaces domesticity is +that so many wives are killjoys. + +The question is often asked—why do men, who are penurious and niggardly +to their families, and who never pay a household bill without +grumbling, spend money so lavishly on their vices? The answer is easy. +A man’s home is dull, and the money that his family costs him gives +him no fillip of pleasure. The other does. The home has been made to +mean to him nothing but hard duty, ungilded by any joy. The opening +of champagne for chorus girls is to the tune of gaiety and laughter. +Therefore, he is willing to pay for one and begrudges paying for the +other. + +Once I was listening to a group of intelligent people discuss the most +desirable quality in a wife. They named the usual standard virtues +until suddenly one man burst out in a voice surcharged with genuine +emotion. + +“I tell you,” he said, “what a man wants in a wife more than anything +else is a cheerful companion. Goodness? Bah! All women, at least the +kind a man marries, are good. Economy? A man likes to spend money +on his wife. Amiability? Who wants a simpering doll always about? +Domesticity? Stuff and nonsense. A man’s stomach isn’t the most +important part of him. Besides there is a good restaurant on every +corner, if he is bound to gorge himself on food. + +“I tell you what a man wants is cheerfulness in his wife. He wants to +come home at night to somebody who will meet him with a smile, somebody +who has got a lot of bright little things to tell him, and who can make +him laugh, somebody who is willing to put on her prettiest dress and +go out with him if he wants to go to any place of amusement. + +“He doesn’t want to come home to a woman who is sodden with tears, +or who is running over with the accumulated worries of the day that +she dumps on him, who is full of her own and other people’s hard luck +stories, and who looks like a chapter of the Lamentations of Jeremiah.” + +Of course, whether a wife is melancholy or not does not, from an +ethical standpoint, alter her husband’s duty to her. He should be +strong enough to love and cherish her no matter how lacrimose she +is; but the martyr’s crown is a piece of headgear that is distinctly +unfashionable at the present time, and most men duck wearing it. +Wherefore, it behooves the Amalgamated Order of Doleful Wives to +cheer up, and try to be more lively companions to their husbands if +they don’t want those gentlemen to stray off in search of ladies with +sunnier dispositions. + +As a matter of fact, men are, emotionally, very primitive creatures +with a few simple domestic wants. They desire to be petted, and +jollied, and looked up to by their wives, and then they want to be +treated as good fellows. They want their wives to be chums with them, +and not reforming institutions, or lecture bureaus. + +The average man simply pines for cheerful comradeship from his wife. +He wants her to enjoy the things that he does, to like the people he +likes, to amuse herself with the things that divert him. He wants to +hear her laugh, to see her eyes sparkle, and for her to treat him as +on a par with herself, as if they were joyous fellow sinners together, +instead of her being a living reproof to him as a poor low-browed +creature, with musical-comedy tastes that make her shudder. + +Yet do you ever notice the ordinary married couple out together? It +is one of the most piteous sights on earth. The man is spending his +money trying to give his wife a good time, and she meets his noble +efforts with the rasping qualities of a crosscut saw. That is what +gives eternal pungency to the old Weber and Fields joke about the man +who, when asked if he was going to take his wife with him on a trip to +Paris, replied: “No, I am going on a pleasure excursion.” + +Of course whether it is any more a woman’s place to get along with her +husband than it is his to get along with her is another fight, which I +am not trying to referee here. So also is the question of how a wife +likes to be treated. What I have tried to show is how a husband would +like his wife to pull the wool over his eyes and put on the velvet +glove before she tries to manage him—because men really enjoy being +bamboozled by women who turn out a nice artistic job. What they object +to is not being henpecked, but the raw way in which their wives do it. + + + + +II + +CHARM + + +Over and over again girls ask me these questions: What is charm? What +is the secret of the attraction that some women have for men? + +What is the “come-hither” look in the eye that some women have that +makes every man who beholds it get up and follow them? + +Why do some girls always have hosts of beaux flocking about them, while +other girls just as good-looking, just as clever, just as good dancers, +just as anxious to please, never have a date or a single sweetheart to +bless themselves with? + +And to all of these questions I have to answer, sadly and +disconsolately, that I do not know. I have to give up the conundrum, +which is perhaps the riddle that the Sphinx, who is partly a woman, has +brooded over through the centuries in her desert solitude, without ever +being able to solve it. + +In Barrie’s delightful play, “What Every Woman Knows,” Maggie’s +brothers, discussing her with the brutal frankness with which brothers +approach the subject of a sister, agreed that she wasn’t young, nor +brilliant, and that she was homely, yet all the men were after her. +Finally one of the brothers said: “But she’s got that damned charm.” +And that was that. + +When a woman has that damned charm she can snap her fingers in the face +of flappers and living pictures, and marry as early and as often as she +pleases as is witnessed by the many fat, pie-faced women we all know +who have had two, and three, or more, husbands apiece, and who still +have a waiting list in case anything untoward and fatal should happen +to the gentlemen to whom they are at present united in the holy bonds +of matrimony. + +But what is this charm, what is this rabbit’s foot that some lucky +women carry, and others do not? To say that it is personality is to +attempt to explain one mystery by another mystery, for we do not know +in what personal magnetism consists, or by what power one individual +draws us, while another repulses us. + +We know that it isn’t beauty, because the best lookers among girls +are seldom the most popular, and men who profess to worship beauty +are generally content to adore it from a safe distance, and show no +disposition to marry it. It is notorious that beauties seldom make good +matches. Nor does charm consist of intelligence. Being a highbrow booms +no woman’s stock, socially or matrimonially, while a witty woman cuts +her throat with her own tongue. + +To be a spellbinder is for a girl’s fairy godmother to have wished a +curse instead of a blessing upon her, for no woman is more anathema to +men than the human phonograph. Even dancing, chief of accomplishments +in these jazzy days when it is of more profit for a woman to have her +brains in her heels than in her head, is but a passing attraction, +while amiability and a sweet nature, woman’s traditional one best bet, +are like a sticking plaster, potent to hold a man after marriage, but +of small value in luring him into it. + +Undoubtedly, charm in its perfection is a gift of the gods, but +happily, in these days, when nature proves a cruel stepmother who is so +mean and stingy that she does not give us all that is coming to us, we +have learned to circumvent the lady. No woman need be as ugly as God +made her, nor as unattractive as she was born. Drug-store complexions +can put the inherited ones to the blush, and any girl who is willing to +take the trouble can acquire a line of lures and graces that will make +any bona fide siren tremble for her job. To the girl, then, who wishes +to acquire charm, and who especially wishes to attract men, I would +say, first, stress your femininity. + +I don’t mean be namby-pamby and weepy and dish-raggy, without any +backbone. That type of woman has gone out of fashion as completely as +bustles and hoopskirts. No man now would be bored with the sort of +perfect lady his grandmother was. But the eternal feminine remains +still the eternal attraction for men, and the more womanly a woman is, +the gentler, the tenderer, the sweeter, the more she appeals to men. If +you will notice when a man speaks of the woman he loves, he invariably +calls her “little” no matter if she is six feet high and weighs 200 +pounds. What he means is that she gives him the reaction of depending +upon him, of looking up to him, and that in some subtle way she +flatters his vanity by giving him the sense of masculine superiority. + +You never see an aggressive, double-fisted woman, who fights her way +as a man does, get anywhere. And in his soul every man adores frills +and furbelows, and likes to see women dolled up. That is why girls make +such a terrible mistake when they ape mannish ways, and wear mannish +clothes. When a girl puts on knickerbockers she throws her trump card +into the discard. + +To the girl who wishes to acquire charm I would also whisper this +secret: Make of yourself a mirror in which other people look upon +themselves. Especially let men see a flattering reflection of +themselves in your eyes. Can your own personal vanity. Listen with +bated breath while other people tell you of their exploits, but never +mention your own. Enthuse over their cars, their dogs. Marvel at their +adventures. Sympathize with their disappointments. Give the glad hand +to their successes, and you will be universally regarded as a woman of +perfect taste, wonderful insight, profound judgment, a brilliant talker +and a companion of whom one could never weary. It is the tireless +listeners, and not the endless talkers, whom men take out to dinner. + +To the girl who wishes to develop charm I would likewise earnestly +recommend an intensive course of self-analysis. I would say to her: +“Study yourself. Find out what you can wear and what you cannot wear. +Find out the things that you can do and get away with, and the things +that you cannot do without making yourself appear either a dumbbell or +a figure of fun. Then, having ascertained what are your best points, +turn the spotlight on them. Emphasize them until you make everybody sit +up and take notice, so that even casual acquaintances will remember +you as the girl who always wears pink, or the girl who always dresses +in black, or the girl with the Mona Lisa smile, or the girl who is so +jolly and such a cut-up, or the girl who listens to you with such an +absorbed expression on her face that you could go on talking to her +forever. I would urge girls to try to be themselves, plus, as they +say in business, and to raise whatever charms of body, or mind, or +heart, they have to its _n_th power. That is the best way to acquire +personality, the “something different” about us that sets us apart from +every other human being, instead of our being just one of the herd. + +Don’t be a copycat. Don’t understudy the mannerisms of another girl +just because she happens to be popular. Imitation airs and graces have +about as much sparkle to them as imitation diamonds. Besides, you never +can make a go of it. You can’t put on another woman’s characteristics +any more than you can her clothes, and make them seem as if they were +your own birthday suit. They are always a grotesque misfit. Charm has +to be made to order and cut to the measurement of the individual. That +is why one girl may do bold, outrageous things and everybody only +shrugs his shoulders and laughs at her, while another girl is sent to +Coventry for not doing half so much. That is why some women always have +a masculine shoulder offered for them to weep upon, while men tell +other women not to be fools whenever they shed a tear. + +So the trick is for the girl to find out what her own class is and +qualify for the blue ribbon in that instead of trying to force her +way into a bunch of prize winners where she doesn’t belong and where +she will be thrown out by the judges. Yet many girls make the mistake +of doing this very thing. A quiet, serious-minded, mouse-like little +girl observes that some gay and dashing girl, who has quicksilver in +her veins and over whose lips laughter bubbles as spontaneously as a +mountain spring, is much admired and sought after and is the life of +the party wherever she goes. + +“Aha! Vivacity is what makes a girl popular,” says the demure one to +herself. “I will also be sprightly, and merry, and make a hit.” + +So she tries to imitate the high spirits of the gay girl, but she can’t +do it. Her home-made vivacity is as flat as home-brew beer beside +imported champagne. Instead of being bright, she is loud. Instead of +laughing, she giggles. Instead of being sprightly, she jumps around +like a monkey on a stick. She is so afraid she won’t talk enough that +she chatters incessantly, and instead of amusing people she bores them +to death. + +Yet the very girl who is such a failure as a live wire could have +charmed every one if only she had given a master performance of girlish +sweetness, and gentleness, and quietness. She could have been a great +success if she had remained the shrinking violet that nature made her, +but she was a rank failure as a gaudy sunflower. + +Then there is the big, Amazonian woman who tries to be cute and +cunning, because she sees some baby doll getting the glad hand when +she curls up on sofas, and sits on one foot, and perches on the edges +of tables, and who only succeeds in looking like a performing elephant +instead of a playful kitten when she performs these stunts. And there +is the woman without an inch of funny bone in her whole anatomy who +tries to tell good stories because she sees some jolly woman raconteur +set the table in a roar at dinner parties, and who wonders why people +burst into tears instead of into peals of mirth when she recites her +carefully memorized jokes. + +They couldn’t fill other women’s rôles, yet the big woman could have +made us worship her as a goddess if she had stayed on her pedestal +instead of coming down and trying to do double somersaults in the +ring. We would have listened eagerly enough to intelligent talk from +a serious thinker who didn’t try to be funny, for Heaven knows we get +tired enough of amateur jokesmiths who think we want to be perpetually +tickled in the ribs. Believe me, girls, there is much wisdom in the old +proverb that advises the shoemaker to stick to his last. We are most +admirable when we are what nature made us with the aid of a few little +arts and embellishments to throw the original model up into higher +relief. So I counsel you to make the most of yourselves. Abandon the +foolish attempt of trying to make yourselves over into a poor copy of +some woman who is admired. Charm isn’t standardized. It has a million +forms, and every woman should illustrate her own particular version of +it. + +After all what we call charm is largely a matter of personality and +the girl who wishes to cultivate that elusive something that we call +personality does well to pay much attention to her dress. This sounds +like superfluous advice to the sex whose brains are mostly cut on the +bias and shirred in the middle, and which is more concerned over the +hang of a skirt than it is over the state of its immortal soul. It is +not too much to say that three-fourths of women’s thoughts and interest +in life and heart-felt desires and envies are concentrated upon +clothes, and the marvel always is that they can put so much effort on a +subject and get such poor results. + +For the great majority of women only think of dress in terms of +fashion, and they follow the mode of the moment as sheep follow their +leader over a wall. They wear blue or purple, pink or green, short +skirts or long skirts, tight ones or full ones, without any reference +to their complexions or whether their ankles are sylphlike or like +the legs of a piano, or whether they are living skeletons, or have +featherbed figures. The result is that thousands upon thousands of +women look as if their worst enemy had bought their clothes, and their +hats are a premeditated insult to their faces. But they go their way, +serene and happy, having done the worst they could by themselves, but +blissful in the knowledge that they are wearing what everybody else +is wearing. Apparently it never enters the average woman’s head that +by clothing herself in the feminine uniform of the hour she makes +herself indistinguishable in the mob, or that she could call attention +to herself by breaking away from it, and dressing to suit her own +particular type. Still less does it occur to her that her clothes offer +her an invaluable mode of self-expression, and that by them she can +emphasize her good points and camouflage her defects. + +Yet every moving picture, every play she sees, offers a girl an object +lesson in the psychology of clothes that she does not heed. She never +asks herself why the innocent, trusting maiden, too artless for her own +good, always wears a white muslin and a blue sash; why the ingenue is +always a mass of fluffy ruffles; why the betrayed heroine always wears +a slinky black dress; why the adventuress is clothed in crimson and +spangles; why the vamp invariably wears long jade earrings, and a quart +of beads, and very little else. + +Yet astute stage managers have found that the surest way to make an +audience visualize a woman in a certain way is to have her dress the +part. A girl might, of course, be as innocent in a crimson dress as +a white one; a woman might be as heartbroken in a pink silk and lace +negligee as she is in a bedraggled black alpaca, but it would take a +long argument to convince us of it, and we wouldn’t weep nearly as +freely over her woes as we do when we get an eyeful of her in the +clothes that tell us at once just what a poor, innocent, persecuted +heroine she is. + +Surely this should suggest to every girl the wisdom of retiring to her +closet, and having a heart-to-heart session with her wardrobe, and a +vivisection party with her character, and thereby try to find out how +to dress her soul as well as her body, so as best and most effectively +to press-agent her individuality, so to speak. + +If she is of the bold and dashing type, let her flaunt herself like a +sunflower in daring costumes and flaming colors, but if she is of the +quiet and gentle sort, soft fabrics, chiffons and laces and pastel +shades belong to her, and make her look like the traditional modest +violet that every man dreams of securing as a wife. Let the girl who +is flat-chested and athletic rejoice in her sport clothes. That is her +note, and brings out a certain piquant boyishness which is her greatest +attraction. But let the girl who is plump, with gracious curves, make +the most of her femininity by decking herself out in the frilliest +frocks that she can find. Each will lose in charm if she swaps her +plumage for the other’s. + +Dangling ornaments, floating ribbons and jingling bracelets belong to +the gay and foolish and frivolous, but they detract from the dignity of +the stately, thoughtful, serious-minded woman. A tailor-made suit is +equal to a certificate of virtue, and when a girl is applying for a job +a plain, dark-colored suit will do more to land her the position than a +gilt-edged reference. Nobody ever believes that a girl in a low-necked, +no-sleeved frock can ever be a competent business woman. She doesn’t +look it. Every woman knows that her eyes seem twice as blue if she +has a blue lining to her hat, and that she can turn a spotlight on +her every freckle by wearing a spotted dress. In the same way she can +bring out her characteristics by the way she dresses. If she wishes to +emphasize her cuteness, she can do it by dressing like a baby doll. +If she wishes to be thought a goddess, she can add to her divinity +by long-trailing robes. If she wishes to be thought a good sport and +treated as a pal by men, sport clothes are hers, while if domesticity +is her long suit, she can turn the trick by wearing ruffled little +white aprons at home. So study your type, girls, and dress the part, +if you want to make the most of the attractions with which nature has +endowed you. + + + + +III + +THE ORDINARY WOMAN + + +I wish that I had the distributing of some of the Carnegie medals for +heroes. I would give one to just the Ordinary Woman. It is true that +she never manned a lifeboat in a stormy sea, or plunged into a river +to save a drowning person. It is true that she never stopped a runaway +horse, or dashed into a burning building, or gave any other spectacular +exhibition of courage. + +She has only stood at her post thirty, or forty, or fifty years, +fighting sickness and poverty and loneliness, and disappointment so +quietly, with such a Spartan fortitude that the world has never noticed +her achievements. Yet, in the presence of the Ordinary Woman, the +battle-scarred veteran, with his breast covered with medals signifying +valor, may well stand uncovered before one braver than he. + +There is nothing high and heroic in her appearance. She is just a +commonplace woman, plainly dressed, with a tired face and work-worn +hands—the kind of woman that you meet a hundred times a day upon the +street without ever giving her a second glance, still less saluting +her as a heroine. Nevertheless, as much as the bravest soldier, she +is entitled to the cross of the Legion of Honor for distinguished +gallantry on the Battlefield of Life. + +Years and years ago, when she was fresh and young, and gay, and +light-hearted, she was married. Her head, as is the case with most +girls, was full of dreams. Her husband was to be a Prince Charming, +always tender and considerate and loving, shielding her from every care +and worry. Life itself was to be a fairy tale. + +One by one the dreams fell away. The husband was a good man, but he +grew indifferent to her before long. He ceased to notice when she put +on a fresh ribbon. He never paid her the little compliments for which +a woman’s soul hungers. He never gave her a kiss or a caress, and +their married life sank into a deadly monotony that had no romance to +brighten it, no joy or love to lighten it. + +Day after day she sewed and cooked and cleaned and mended to make a +comfortable home for a man who did not even give her the poor pay of a +few words of appreciation. At his worst he was cross and querulous. At +his best he was silent, and would gobble his food like a hungry animal +and subside into his paper, leaving her to spend a dull and monotonous +evening after a dull and monotonous day. + +The husband was not one of the fortunate few who have the gift of +making money. He worked hard, but opportunity does not smile on every +man, and the wolf was never very far away from their door. + +Women know the worst of poverty. It is the wife, who has the spending +of the insufficient family income, who learns all the bitter ways of +scrimping and paring and saving. The husband must present a decent +appearance, for policy’s sake, when he goes to business; certain things +are necessities for the children; and so the heaviest of all the +deprivations fall upon the woman who stays at home and strives to make +one dollar do the work of five. + +That is the way of the Ordinary Woman; and what sacrifices she makes, +what tastes she crucifies, what longings for pretty things and dainty +things she smothers, not even her own family guess. They think it is an +eccentricity that makes her choose the neck of the chicken and the hard +end of the loaf and to stay at home from any little outing. Ah, if they +only knew! + +For each of her children she trod the Gethsemane of woman, only to go +through that slavery of motherhood which the woman endures who is too +poor to hire competent nurses. For years and years she never knew what +it was to have a single night’s unbroken sleep. The small hours of the +morning found her walking the colic, or nursing the croup, or covering +restless little sleepers, or putting water to thirsty little lips. + +There was no rest for her, day or night. There was always a child in +her arms or clinging to her skirts. Oftener than not she was sick and +nerve-worn and weary almost to death, but she never failed to rally to +the call of “Mother!” as a good soldier rallies to his battle-cry. + +Nobody called her brave, and yet, when one of the children came down +with malignant diphtheria, she braved death a hundred times, in bending +over the little sufferer, without one thought of danger. And when the +little one was laid away under the sod, she who had loved most was the +first to gather herself together and take up the burden of life for the +others. + +The supreme moment of the Ordinary Woman’s life, however, came when she +educated her children above herself and lifted them out of her sphere. +She did this with deliberation. She knew that in sending her bright boy +and talented girl off to college she was opening up to them paths in +which she could not follow; she knew that the time would come when they +would look upon her with pitying tolerance or contempt, or perhaps—God +help her!—be ashamed of her. + +But she did not falter in her self-sacrifice. She worked a little +harder, she denied herself a little more, to give them the advantages +that she never had. In this she was only like millions of other +Ordinary Women who are toiling over cooking-stoves, slaving at +sewing-machines, pinching and economizing to educate and cultivate +their children—digging with their own hands the chasm that will +separate them almost as much as death itself would. + +Wherefore I say the Ordinary Woman is the real heroine of life. + + + + +IV + +TEACH THE CHILDREN TO LOVE FATHER + + +Are you teaching your children to love and admire their father? Do you +ceaselessly point out to your children their father’s good qualities? +Do you hold their father up as a hero before your children’s eyes? Do +you teach your children to appreciate their father? If you do not, +you are not giving your husband a fair deal, nor a run for his money. +Fatherhood calls for just as many sacrifices as motherhood does. The +only coin in which these can be repaid is affection and gratitude, and +if he is defrauded of these he is poor indeed. + +From the time the first baby is born the average man becomes literally +the slave of his family. He sells himself into bondage so that his +children may live soft; that they may have advantages that he never +had in his youth; that they may enjoy luxuries he never knew. He works +overtime and grows prematurely old and bent, that his boys may go to +college and belong to smart clubs and have automobiles, and that his +daughters may attend fashionable schools, and dress like fashion +plates, and go in the right circles. + +It is father who stays at home and works through hot summers and cold +winters, when the family goes to Europe. It is father who wears the +shabbiest clothes. It is father who has the worst room and the smallest +closet space in the home. The percentage of money that father spends +on himself and in gratifying his own personal tastes and desires is +negligible. Virtually all the money he has earned by a lifetime of hard +toil has been lavished on his family. + +Whether this pays or not, whether all of this labor and anxiety and +self-denial have been worthless or not, depends altogether on his +children’s attitude toward him. If they love him; if they are grateful +to him; if they appreciate what he has done for them, it is the best +investment that a man ever made, and it makes him richer than any +millionaire. But if his children are indifferent and callous; if they +take all that he has done for them as no more than their due, and +without even a “thank you”; if they see in him nothing but a shabby +little man who hasn’t been particularly successful as a moneymaker, +then all his life work goes for nothing. His sacrifices are without +reward. He is bankrupt in heart. + +Now, the attitude of children toward their father is almost entirely +determined by their mother; and whether they look upon him as a +superior being to be adored and worshiped, or merely as a cash register +that they can punch whenever they want any money, depends altogether +upon what she has taught them. There are women who teach their children +to hate and fear their father by making him an ogre to them. When the +children are bad the little culprits are always threatened with what +their father will do to them. The mother thus makes the father the +hanging judge who inflicts punishment on the small sinners. + +In this way the mother fills the child’s imagination with a picture of +its father as of some dread creature who is always lying in wait to +chastise him, and who could never have any sympathy or understanding +with him, and with whom he could never have any possible companionship. + +“I’ll tell your father on you when he comes home,” is the curse that +millions of women lay between their children and their husbands, and +that seals the children’s hearts forever against the fathers who have +given them their very life blood. + +There are other women who teach their children to regard their fathers +simply as money-making machines that exist solely for their own use and +benefit. What the children want they must have at any cost to father, +and mother undertakes to nag it out of him. The children see that +mother has no consideration for father and they grow up to have none. + +She never tells them that they must not even ask for something they +desire because business is bad and their father is harassed and worried +about money. She never tells them that they must stay at home and let +father have a little trip, because he is sick and nerve-worn. She lets +them wring the last penny out of him with no more feeling for him than +if he were some sort of automatic device worked by her for supplying +their desires and needs. + +Other women teach their children to despise their fathers by always +criticizing them and calling attention to their faults. They are +forever telling the children that their fathers are lacking in +enterprise, that they are poor business men, that they are too easy +and let people take advantage of them, that they are high-tempered and +hard to get along with, that they have this and that weakness, until +the child’s mind is thoroughly poisoned with the idea that his father +amounts to nothing and his opinions are not to be respected. + +Very few women ever deliberately set themselves to teach their children +to love and appreciate their fathers. Very few women ever try to make +their children see their fathers as heroes who, for their sakes, are +fighting the battle of life as bravely and gallantly as any knight of +old. Very few women teach their children to show any gratitude to the +fathers who have sacrificed so much for them. Why so many women fail +in this important duty is partly through carelessness and a lack of +thought, but mostly because of an unconscious mother jealousy. They +want to be first with their children and monopolize their love. But it +is a cruel thing to the child, and to the father. It robs them both of +so much joy in each other that they miss. + + + + +V + +STRIKE A BALANCE WITH MATRIMONY + + +I get hundreds upon hundreds of letters from disgruntled wives +bemoaning their fates. They tell me that they are sick and weary of +the monotony of domestic drudgery; that they have few amusements; +that their husbands are indifferent to them and never pay them any +compliments or show them any affection; that their husbands find fault +with them for their every mistake, but never give them one word of +praise for all the good work they do. + +And these women have brooded over the hardships of their lot until they +have grown morbid and they see the world as one great gob of gloom, +with themselves as the blackest spot in it. + +Without doubt, marriage is a cruel and a bitter disappointment to +nine-tenths of those who enter into the holy estate. Especially is it +disillusioning to women because they build such impossible hopes upon +it, and go into it with such a blind faith that they are going to find +it an earthly paradise. + +It is incredible, but it is true, that despite her lifelong knowledge +of the daily life her mother has led and her observation of the +domestic strife in the households of her married friends and neighbors, +every girl honestly believes that her own matrimonial venture will be a +perpetual picnic, and that the man she marries will remain the perfect +lover. + +Of course, it doesn’t happen, and when the woman finds out that her +own marriage brings her more kicks than ha’pence; when she realizes +that she must share the common lot; when she has to bend her back to +the hard and dreary labor of making a family comfortable, for which +she gets neither the glad hand nor a pay envelope, and when she has to +put up with a man who seems to have cornered the whole visible supply +of pure cussedness, why, it gets upon her nerves, and she feels like +flunking it. + +So she beats upon her breast and cries out that this is not the +marriage of which she dreamed. This sordid existence is not what she +married for. + +Of course, it isn’t. But it is marriage as it is. None of us realize +our ideals. Our dreams never come true. And even when we get what we +want, it is so warped and twisted that it is no longer the object of +our desires, and we have paid for it more than it is worth. That is +life. + +To these unhappy wives I would offer this bit of homely counsel: + +Sit down, sisters, and have a real heart-to-heart session with your own +souls. Put out of your mind firmly and for all time the idiotic idea +that there is any lot of perfect peace and happiness, any road you +might have traveled that is not strewn with tacks. Worry and anxiety +and sickness and sorrow and disappointment and loneliness are the +portion alike of the highest and the lowest, and you cannot escape the +human lot. It is life. + +Then take a calm and dispassionate survey of your own situation. You +will find your work tiresome and monotonous. So does every other person +in the world find his or hers. The thing we do for our daily bread is +bound to become a grind. Do you think for a moment that the banker +doesn’t get sick and weary of grappling with credits and loans; that +the author doesn’t have to flog himself to his desk; that the actor +doesn’t weary of the lines he has said over thousands of times; that +the film star is not nauseated with grease paint? + +Every one thrills to his task at first as you did to your new pots and +pans and bridal furniture. But the novelty wears off, and then comes +the long, grim stretch of carrying on, because it is your job to which +you have set your hand and which you mean to make a good job just +because it is yours. That is life. + +You complain that your husband takes your good work as a matter of +course, but he howls loud and long over your mistakes. That is what +happens to all workers. If you were a stenographer and spelled one +word wrong; if you were a saleswoman and made one error in your +calculations, your boss would pass over the thousands of words you had +spelled correctly and the hundreds of good sales you had made, to call +you down for your blunder. + +If you were a writer or an actor, you would find that the critics would +forget all the good work you had done to call attention to the weakness +of your new book, or bemoan the performance you gave in a new part. As +long as we walk straight no one notices it, but when we fall off the +path we attract attention. It is life. + +These unhappy wives ask, “What shall I do?” and one knows not how +to answer the question. To tell them that, if they are patient and +forbearing, and go on doing their duty as wives, they can change mean +husbands into good ones is to tell them a wicked lie, and mislead them +with false hopes. The leopard changes his spots just about as often as +a man does his disposition, and I have yet to see the tightwad become +generous; the surly, glum man turn into a ray of sunshine in his home; +or the hard, cold, selfish man become the perfect lover to his wife. + +Nor is divorce the solution of the unhappy wife’s problem. Marriage +is not an episode of which you can say when you get a divorce, “This +unpleasant chapter of my life is ended. I will shut the book, and +forget all about it, and be perfectly happy henceforth.” Marriage sets +its ineffaceable seal upon a woman, it colors her whole life; and +divorce can no more give her back her lost joy, and faith, and trust, +than it can restore her lost girlhood. + +Besides, there are nearly always children to consider; children whose +welfare a good mother places above her own; children for whom a home +must be kept together; children who must be educated; who must be +started in life, who need a father’s support and control. Divorce +is not for the woman with children unless conditions are absolutely +intolerable. And for the woman herself divorce is often a jumping out +of the frying pan into the fire, for when she finds that she is rid +of an unkind husband, she has to face a world that is unkinder still. +Generally the woman has no private fortune. The courts award her but +a meager alimony, and the collecting of that is generally about the +hardest job on earth. She is trained to no business or occupation. +Nobody wants her services, and she comes to know that the grumbling of +an ill-tempered husband is no harder to endure than the howl of the +wolf outside of her door. + +Perhaps the best advice that one can offer these unhappy wives is to +try to forget what they expected of marriage, and to just put it on +a business basis, so much for so much, with a settled determination +to make the best of a bad bargain. Their little flier in Heart’s +Consolidated hasn’t paid the dividends they expected it to. Well, our +speculations seldom do. Their matrimonial partners have proved hard to +get along with. Well, many business men endure cranky men partners, who +rasp their nerves, for the sake of the good of the firm. + +And on the credit side of the ledger the unhappy wife can set this +down, that she has, at least, her home, and her settled position in +society, and they are great gain. It takes years and years of struggle +and striving for the lone woman to reach the goal where she can have +her own house, and gather about her the household gods that women +worship, and that bless one by their presence. + +I am not arguing that a woman would consider a house, no matter if it +were a palace, a satisfactory substitute for a tender, loving husband, +but I am trying to induce the woman who has an indifferent husband to +realize that she is not half as badly off as she thinks she is, as long +as she has her creature comforts. + +Fortunately, the law of compensation always holds. The man who is a +poor husband is often a good provider. Flirtatious husbands often atone +for their sidesteppings with diamonds and furs. Stingy ones leave women +rich widows. Even grouches leave their wives free to amuse themselves +in their own way. After all, life is a series of compromises. If we +don’t get the best, we are very foolish to throw away the second +best and the wise woman who finds marriage a failure doesn’t go into +physical and spiritual bankruptcy. She gets the best out of what she +has. She makes the most of her bargain. + +All of which just boils down into this: Dry your eyes on your best +embroidered towels, O ye disgruntled sisters, and realize that you are +not so unfortunate as you think you are, and what you are called upon +to bear is just life. + + + + +VI + +JEALOUSY + + +A woman wants to know if there is any cure for jealousy. She says that +she knows her husband loves her devotedly. He is true and faithful to +her. He is as domesticated as the house cat and casts no roving eye +at the pretty flappers. Nevertheless, every time he speaks to another +woman she endures grinding torments of suspicion. + +There is only one cure for jealousy. That is to use a little common +sense, but this puts the remedy out of the reach of the green-eyed, +because jealousy is a form of insanity. + +It is a lack of mental balance that makes people imagine things that +do not exist, that causes them to see deep, dark plots in the most +innocent acts and that makes them deliberately torture themselves by +believing that the ones that they love most are traitors to them. Also, +it is what the alienists call “the exaggerated ego” that makes any man +or woman believe that he or she can supply another individual’s whole +need of human companionship. + +For jealousy isn’t confined solely to lovers. Some of the most acute +attacks are the jealousy that men and women feel for their in-laws. +Sometimes parents are even jealous of their own children. Wives are +often jealous of their husband’s business, and always jealous of the +old friends of their bachelor days. But however and wherever it is, and +no matter how causeless and needless it may be, jealousy poisons the +life and ruins the happiness of all of those who indulge in it. It is +the source of endless quarrels between husbands and wives, and it slays +love quicker than any other one thing. Indeed, the jealous bring down +the curse they fear upon their own heads. + +By their suspicions the jealous materialize the very thing they most +dread, for there is no surer way of driving a man or a woman into +philandering than by keeping dangling continually before his or her +eyes a romantic possibility in which he or she is likely to indulge +at any moment. Many a married man would never think of himself as +a lady-killer—in fact, he would consider that he was married and +settled, and done with sentimental episodes, except that his wife +keeps alive his belief in himself as a heart-smasher by her jealousy. +If she considers him so fascinating that she is afraid to let him +have a casual conversation with another woman, or take a turn around +a ballroom floor with a pretty girl, he argues that he must be some +sheik. And so he buys him some Klassy Kut Kollege Klothes and sets his +hat on the side of his head and proceeds to justify her once groundless +suspicions. + +Furthermore, jealousy is its own undoing, because it strikes a death +blow at our personal liberty, which is dearer to us and more necessary +to our happiness than any man or woman ever is. None of us likes to be +called upon to furnish an alibi. None of us enjoys being put through a +questionnaire about everything that was said to us and everything we +said. None of us but resents not being free to go and come as we like +within reasonable bounds and to hold ordinary social intercourse with +any one we choose. So if husbands and wives went about deliberately +to kill every particle of affection that their mates have for them, +they could take no better way to do it than by spying upon them, by +attributing unworthy motives to them, by curtailing their freedom and +by making such jealous scenes that, for the sake of peace, they are +forced to lie and deceive. Besides, jealousy is an unforgivable insult. + +There are women who have conniption fits every time their husbands make +themselves agreeable to their dinner partners or take a chance-met +old woman friend out to lunch. There are wives who never believe that +their husbands can admire a beautiful woman or enjoy the society of +a brilliant one innocently. They attribute the basest motives to the +men they love and accuse them not only of being faithless, but of the +grossest animalism, which was far and away from the thoughts of the +poor gentlemen. + +Finally, jealousy is an indication of the inferiority complex. The +woman who is jealous of all other women in her heart believes them all +her superiors. She believes them better looking, more intelligent, +more charming, with more attraction for her husband than she has. That +is why she is so afraid of their getting him away from her. You can’t +imagine a queen being jealous of a milkmaid or a Lillian Russell being +jealous of an ugly duckling, or a star dancer not being willing to +have her husband to tread a measure with some lump of a girl who would +walk all over his feet. All of this being true, then, the way to cure +jealousy is to apply common sense to the situation. Try to look at it +fairly and squarely. In the first place, your husband or wife wouldn’t +have married you if he or she hadn’t preferred you to every one else +in the world. If you had charm before marriage you have it still, if +you will take the trouble to use it. In the second place, you know that +you enjoy talking to other people, and that your contact with them is +perfectly harmless. Why not believe your husband or wife is as decent +as you are? In the third place, why keep your husband or wife always +fed up with the idea that he or she is a fascinator that no woman or +man can resist? It makes them want to try and see if they can stand +them up. And lastly, if you are married to a man or woman whom you +believe to have so little truth and honor, and who cares so little for +you that he or she can’t be trusted out of your sight, why worry about +him or about her? He or she isn’t worth a single pang of jealousy. + + + + +VII + +HAVE A GOAL + + +The great trouble with the majority of women is that they have no +plan of life, no real objective. They are the victims of fads. They +wobble about from interest to interest. The thing they were crazy about +yesterday they throw into the discard to-day. They waste their time, +and energy, and ability in pursuing will-o’-the-wisps. Like the hero of +the popular song, they are on their way, but they don’t know where they +are going. + +This is why so many women fail, as is abundantly proved by the fact +that when a woman does make up her mind about what she wants to do, +when she has one settled ambition instead of a lot of vague desires, +she is almost invariably successful. Let her once determine to tread a +definite path and she not only arrives, but she arrives with bells on. + +Of course, the reason that women tackle the business of existence in +this hit-or-miss fashion is not really their fault, poor dears. It is +because of the idiotic way in which we bring up girls on the assumption +that each one has a regiment of fairy godmothers and guardian angels +looking after her and taking care of her, so that she doesn’t need +to bother her pretty little head about learning how to take care of +herself. So we don’t teach a girl, as we do a boy, that our lives are +just what we make them, that we are the architects of our own fate, and +that whether our lives are ugly, and botchy, and of little worth, or +beautiful, and well-rounded, and valuable, depends upon our having some +plan of life in our heads and working to it. + +We tell the boy that he who is jack-of-all-trades is good at none, and +that if he wishes to be a carpenter, or a master plumber, or a bank +president, or a surgeon, he must serve his apprenticeship in his chosen +trade or profession and concentrate on the study of it if he means to +succeed. He will never get anywhere as long as he goes from job to job +and dabbles first at one thing and then at another. But we don’t teach +girls that it is just as important for them to have some definite plan +of life and prepare themselves to do some particular work as it is for +their brothers. Most girls in these days have to earn their own living +until they are married. But most of them do just as little work as they +can get by with, and they do this little aimlessly. + +Here and there is a stenographer who works by a plan. She has set +herself to become a highly paid private secretary. Here and there is a +shop-girl who has her eye on a buyer’s job and trips to Europe. Here +and there is a milliner or a dressmaker whose dream is of her own shop. +Here and there is a boarding-house keeper whose ambition it is to run +a hotel. Very seldom do these women fail to attain their desires. They +know what they are trying to do and they make every lick of work count. +They bend every energy to one end instead of wasting it on a hundred +ineffectual endeavors. They put their backs, their hearts, their brains +into their work and that combination invariably spells success. + +But the great majority of working women simply potter purposelessly +along. They don’t expect to do what they are doing very long, and +so they don’t take the trouble to try to learn how to do it well. +They have no interest in their work, no ambition. They haven’t even +bothered to pick out the thing to do for which they have a natural +aptitude. They have taken up the occupation they follow just because +they happened to do so. They don’t give a single lobe of their brain to +studying it or trying to fit themselves to be competent. They take life +as casually as that. Yet they may have to do this same work for thirty +or forty years, for it is by no means certain that every girl will get +a husband or that the husband will be able to support her if she does +get him. + +Women do not even have any plan about following the great career of +wifehood and motherhood to which they all look forward. Probably every +girl who goes to the altar desires to be a good wife and mother. But +she does not crystallize these vague intentions into any concrete +plan of action. Not one woman in a thousand sits down in her bridal +bungalow or apartment and works out a scheme for handling her husband +without friction, for running her house economically and for making +her marriage a success. On the contrary, she trusts it all to luck. If +she is a good housekeeper, she feeds her husband well. If she doesn’t +like to cook, she gives him dyspepsia by sitting him down to dinners +of underdone meat and overdone bread and watery vegetables. If she +is amiable and good-natured, she gets along with him. If she is high +tempered, she rows with him. If she is thrifty, she saves his money and +they prosper. If she is extravagant, she runs him into debt. + +It is because wives have no plan about what they do as wives that +matrimony is such a gamble. And it is the same way about motherhood. +There is no other thought in the world so terrible as that mothers +bring up their children without any plan about what they are trying +to make them. They are shaping an immortal soul, and they don’t even +know what they are trying to make of it. That is the capital crime of +aimlessness. Women will never succeed until they conquer this weakness +and learn how to plan their lives. You cannot do anything effectively +unless you know what you are trying to do. + + + + +VIII + +THE GOAT FAMILY + + +Kind reader, meet my friends, the Goats. They are not rich, for, altho +Mr. Goat has been an able and energetic business man all his life, and +Mrs. Goat has been a thrifty housekeeper, they have never been able to +get much ahead because they have always had such a horde of parasites +to support. Ever since they had a home they have run a free hotel. They +have literally been eaten out of house and home by self-invited guests, +by forty-seventh cousins who always cashed in the blood relationship +for board and lodging, and by old friends who suddenly remembered, when +they happened to be in their town, how they loved the Goats and hated +to pay for their own beds and meals. + +Any one of their many acquaintances who wished to take a vacation +without expense, or have an operation performed, or go to the opera, +or see the sights of the city, just wished himself or herself on the +Goats, and arrived bag and baggage to camp in the spare bedroom. And +that was all there was to it; a pleasant and economical arrangement so +far as the guests were concerned. And if it was inconvenient to the +Goats and they had to sleep around on cots and do without new clothes +to pay for the food that the deadbeats gobbled up, why, nobody bothered +about that. And the Goats never complained. They never made a move to +chuck these grafters out, not even rich Cousin Susan, who could have +bought the family up a hundred times over, when she came and stayed six +months, wore Mother Goat to a frazzle waiting on her and ran them into +debt because she couldn’t eat anything but the most expensive foods. +No, they feel that it would be a stain on their escutcheon to assert +themselves and look out for themselves a little, and so they lived up +to the Goat coat-of-arms, which is a doormat couchant, with everybody +trampling over it. + +By and by the eldest Miss Goat got married. Her husband proved to +be a bumptious, egotistical, opinionated fellow, and when he was +about the whole Goat family had to walk on eggs and suppress all +their own opinions and tastes to avoid irritating him. Indeed, when +their daughter married, the Goats acquired a new son, as the phrase +goes, because every Sunday and on high days and holidays the young +couple arrived to take dinner with papa and mamma. It was so sweet +to be all together at such times, and it was also so economical and +saved them the work and worry of getting their own dinner. Then the +son Billy got married. Not being born a Goat, Billy’s wife had not +the suffer-and-be-strong complex in her. On the contrary, she was a +go-getter, and what she wanted she had to have. Therefore, Father Goat +was often called on for money to help pay Mrs. Billy’s bills, which had +to be met regardless of what sacrifice it entailed on the Goats at home. + +Mrs. Billy died, and, of course, Billy took his motherless children, +one of them a tiny baby, back home for mother and sister to take care +of. They did it for a few years, until Billy married again, altho it +reduced poor, worn-out mother to a physical wreck. The family didn’t +approve of Billy’s choice of a second wife, but, with the Goat faculty +for swallowing anything, they accepted her and felt that at least +one burden would be removed from them and that Billy would take his +children and set up his own home. + +It appears, however, that the second wife refuses to be bothered with +stepchildren, and so Billy has brought his brood back for mother and +sister to rear and support. It takes all the money he can make to +provide for his wife and her relatives whom she has saddled upon him. + +Mother Goat says that no sacrifice is too great to make for her +darling son, nor does she hesitate to offer up as a burnt offering +her unmarried daughter, Nanny Goat, who labors in an office all day +to make the money to help maintain the family, and who comes home at +night and does most of the housework. + +But Nanny is beginning to show un-Goatlike traits. She doesn’t see why +she should work to feed a lot of bum company who sponge on them instead +of paying their own board somewhere. She doesn’t see why she should +spend her Sundays and holidays, cooking dinners for sister and brother +and the in-laws when they might just as well eat at home or go to a +restaurant. And she doesn’t see what right brother has to foist the +care of his children and their support on his old parents and his young +sister. + +“I am spending my life slaving for other people and bearing other +people’s burdens,” wails poor little Nanny Goat. “I earn a good salary, +but I can never have any pretty clothes or indulge myself in any of the +amusements I crave, because all my money is spent on people who just +make a convenience of us, and who think more of being invited somewhere +else to tea than they do of living on us without cost for a month. All +my youth, when I ought to have the pleasures of the young, is being +given to trying to raise my brother’s children, and do for them the +things that he himself is too weak and pusillanimous to do. And I am +sick and tired of it. I am tired of supporting grafters that are more +able to work than I am. I am sick of being bled white by blood-suckers. +I am sore at having to do other people’s duty for them, and I want to +know how I can get out of being a perpetual Goat as long as I live.” + +Alas! poor little Nanny, it is easier for the leopard to change its +spots than it is for one who was born a Goat to cease being one. Still, +the thing can be done, if you have nerve enough to butt your way to +freedom. Shut the door in the face of the deadbeat visitors. Make your +brother act the part of a man and assume his own responsibilities. And +you will find that you have gained not only relief but that you have +gone up a hundred per cent in every one’s esteem. + +For while we all make use of the Goat family, we hold them in contempt +because they let us make goats of them. + + + + +IX + +SPOILING A WIFE + + +A man asks: “Can a husband be too good to his wife?” Yes. A husband +can be too good to his wife. So can a wife be too good to her husband. +Husbands and wives are just as easily spoiled as babies are, and +they react to spoiling exactly the same way that babies do. They +become peevish, and fretful, and unreasonable. They howl for the +moon. The more they are given in to, the more they demand and the +more unrelenting their tyranny becomes. They smash things in sheer +wantonness, and they need nothing on earth so much as to be turned +across somebody’s knee and given a good spanking, and made to behave +themselves. + +All of us know plenty of men and women, with many fine and noble +qualities, who would have made splendid husbands and wives if they had +not been badly spoiled by their overindulgent wives and husbands. But +instead of being disciplined, and forced to control themselves, and +made to act like reasonable human beings, they had their weaknesses +indulged, their selfishness encouraged, their exactions given in +to, until they became a curse to themselves and to those who had the +misfortune to be married to them. + +Of course, when my correspondent speaks of a man being “good” to his +wife, he means it in the sense of being indulgent to her. No man can +be too good to his wife in the way of being kind, and tender, and +sympathetic, and just, and fair to her. But he is not good to her—in +fact, he does her a cruel wrong—when he is overly indulgent to her. He +ruins her life no less than his own because the spoiled wife is never +happy. She is always discontented, restless, dissatisfied, wanting +something she hasn’t got and that is just beyond her reach. She thinks +only of herself, and her pleasures, and the self-centered can always +find flaws in their lot. The only contented wives are those who are +doing their part toward making their marriage a success. The grafting +wives are always whiny, and complaining, and disgruntled. + +A man, for instance, is too good to his wife when he lets her lie down +on her end of the matrimonial partnership. His part of the contract +is to work and make the money to support a home. Her part is to make +a comfortable home. There are many women who refuse to do this, and +who force their husbands to live around in boarding houses and hotels. +There are many more women who are so lazy and shiftless that they keep +their houses as dirty as pigstys, and never give their husbands a meal +that isn’t a first-aid to the undertaker. There are men who have to get +up and get their own breakfasts before they start to business, while +their good-for-nothing wives slumber and sleep. There are men who have +to come home after a hard day’s work and help get the dinner, and wash +the dishes, and bathe the baby, and sweep the floors, and do all the +housework that their trifling wives have left undone. + +Nothing but being a bedridden invalid excuses a woman for not doing her +share of the work and for not feeding her family on properly cooked +food, and any man is very silly who puts up with slack housekeeping +from an able-bodied wife. She would get busy quickly enough with the +broom and the cookbook if she knew she would lose her job unless she +made her man comfortable. + +A man is too good to his wife—or too bad to her—when he lets her ruin +him with her extravagance. There are men of ability, men who are +industrious, men who are filled with ambition and who were on the high +road to success when they married. But they got spenders and wasters +for wives, and thereafter their lives became just a frantic struggle +to keep even with the bill collector. Strive as they would, they could +never get ahead. They had to let every opportunity pass them because +they never had a cent to put into any enterprise. Every dollar had +gone to pay for the wife’s clothes, and entertaining, and trying to +keep up with people better off than they. + +The man who never says “No” to his wife’s ceaseless demands on his +pocketbook may think that he is being good to her, but in reality +he could do her no worse turn. For you can no more satisfy a greedy +woman than you can a greedy child. Such women are the daughters of the +Scriptural horse leech, forever crying: “More, more, more!” And in the +end, when the crash comes, the extravagant wife is crushed under the +ruin she has brought upon her household. + +A man is too good to his wife when he makes all of the sacrifices and +she monopolizes all of the privileges. There are households in which +the husband has no rights or consideration whatever. He goes shabby, +while wife is arrayed like Solomon in all his glory. He walks, while +wife rides around in a limousine. He stays at home, while wife goes +forth to summer and winter resorts. His tastes, his comfort, his +pleasure are never considered. He cultivates selfishness in his wife +by never demanding a square deal from her and by never making her give +as well as take. And his reward is his wife’s contempt, for no woman +respects a man upon whom she can wipe her feet. + +Oh, yes, a man can easily be too good to his wife. The really good +husbands are not those who make spoiled babies of their wives, but +those who encourage their wives to develop into self-controlled, +helpful, useful women. + + + + +X + +THE ABSENCE CURE FOR FAMILY ILLS + + +One of the most pathetic things on earth is the unnecessary unhappiness +we endure. The big, heartbreaking tragedies no one may escape. The loss +of those we love. Frustrated hopes. Disappointments. Despair. These are +the inevitable portion of humanity, and there is dignity in meeting +them with courage. + +But to have your life poisoned by the sting of a gnat; to be done +to death by pin pricks, to be robbed of your happiness by petty +aggravations, that is a different matter, and one rages alike against +the futility of it, and the ignominy of it. And, curiously enough, we +neither endure with fortitude these little, petty ills that spoil the +peace of our days, nor do we try to seek a remedy for them. + +Take family troubles, for example, which are responsible for more real, +heartbreaking, never-ending misery than anything else in the world. A +man and a woman drawn together by some fleeting physical attraction get +married. When that is over, they find that they have not one thing on +earth in common. Their tastes differ on everything from politics to +pie. Their every idea and opinion is antagonistic. They do not think +the same thoughts, or speak the same language. They may be people of +the highest integrity, models of all the virtues. They may try to do +their duty nobly and with self-sacrifice. But their home is a dark and +bloody battleground where they fight over every topic like dogs over a +bone, and they make life a hell on earth for each other. + +Sometimes parents and children cannot get along together. Sometimes +a nice, domestic old hen hatches out a swan. Sometimes a swan finds +that nature has bestowed an ugly duckling upon her, and great is the +clacking, and the clucking, and the feather-picking around the barnyard. + +Often brothers and sisters cannot agree. They clash on every subject +under the sun. They express their opinions of each other with the +brutal candor of near relationship, and leave each other sullen and +sore with resentment. They never sit down to a meal without being +verbally armed to the teeth, and the maimed survivors feel as if they +had been through the battle of the Marne. Sometimes there is just one +particular member of a family who is a perpetual storm center, and who +has but to blow in at the door to shatter the peace and harmony of the +household. + +Being obliged to live with disagreeable and antagonistic people is the +greatest affliction that can possibly befall us. Nothing compensates +for it. Not tho we dwell in a palace, with every meal a banquet, and +have everything that money can buy us. Better it is to dwell on a +housetop, or in a lodging house, and eat at a quick lunch place, and +have peace, than abide in splendor with those who irritate the very +soul out of us. + +Nor are we consoled by the fact that the very people who are so +impossible to live with love us well enough to die for us. + +We know well enough that it is mother’s affection for us, and her +anxiety about us, that makes her nag us incessantly, and hand out +advice to us until we are ready to scream. In their philosophical +moments men and women realize that even their in-laws knock them for +their own good. + +But it is the result, and not the theory, with which we are concerned, +and as you listen to the wail of those who cry out against uncongenial +marriages, and the moans of anguish of the in-laws who dwell under +the same roof, and listen to the sounds of fratricidal strife, when +everybody could be so happy if they didn’t have to live with each +other, you wonder that so few people have the wisdom and the courage to +apply the one sure cure for their misery. That is to separate. Apart +they would be happy. They would even love each other. They would get a +perspective on each other’s good qualities. But living together they +merely get on each other’s nerves, and hate each other. + +The old idea that blood is thicker than water, and that just +because you happen to be born in a certain relationship to a group +of individuals makes you automatically love them, and desire their +society, hasn’t a word of truth in it. It is not even true in the +relationship between parents and children. + +As long as their children are young and helpless, most mothers have +an animal fondness for them. But when they are older, it very often +happens that a mother cannot get along in peace with her children. She +does not understand them. She has nothing in common with them, and she +is glad enough when they are grown and leave home. + +No theory has been more mischievous than the old convention that people +who were of the same family had to keep on living together, no matter +how much they rubbed each other the wrong way, nor how unpleasant this +enforced companionship was. There is no sense in doing it. No rhyme +nor reason for it. Because Aunt Jane is Aunt Jane is no reason why you +should take her into your home and be bored the balance of your life +by her reminiscences, nor is there any reason why you should have your +temper continually rasped by antagonistic sisters and brothers when +there are plenty of agreeable strangers in the world. + +Try the absence cure on your domestic troubles. Get up and leave an +unpleasant home. You have no idea how much better you will love a lot +of your relatives when you put about a thousand miles between you and +them. + + + + +XI + +THE DEADLY RIVAL + + +It would be interesting to know how many estranged husbands and wives +began drifting apart with the advent of the first baby. Children +are popularly supposed to be the tie that binds a man and woman +indissolubly together in body and spirit in marriage. Often this is +true, and in their love and hopes and ambitions for their children +a husband and wife literally do become “two souls with but a single +thought, two hearts that beat as one.” Also very often for the sake of +their children men and women endure a marriage that they have come to +loathe and hate, and are bound together like prisoners whose balls and +chains clank at every movement they make. + +Unhappily, children’s hands do not always draw husbands and wives +closer together. They just as often push them apart, and when this +happens it is oftener the woman’s fault than the man’s. Few men prefer +their children above their wives, but for the great majority of women +their husbands exist only as their children’s father and as purveyors +to their children. + +The first baby definitely and for all time puts the husband’s nose out +of joint. Up to that time, husband has been king of the domestic realm. +His wife has put on her prettiest clothes and adorned herself for him. +She has been chum and playmate. She has exerted herself to amuse and +entertain him. She has looked out for his comfort, has seen that he +had the best of everything, and he has reveled in the bliss of having +the center of the stage and the spotlight turned always upon him. Then +arrives the baby, and from having been the worshiped head of the house, +husband finds that he is nothing, with no one so poor as to do him +reverence. + +Wife no longer cares what sort of a figure she cuts in his eyes, or +whether he admires her or not. She looks sloppy around the house +because the baby pulls at her clothes and musses her chiffons. When +husband wants to go out at night she refuses because she can’t leave +the baby, and if he drags her along anyway, she interrupts the most +thrilling part of a play to ask him if he thinks the nurse has +forgotten to give the baby his bottle. + +There are no more chatty evenings at home, because she is off +worshiping before the baby’s shrine. She quits reading anything but +baby books, and her conversation gets to be about as stimulating as +sterilized milk. She is too busy with the baby to show her husband any +of the little attentions that men so love, or to see even that he has +the things he likes to eat. + +There are thousands of homes which are run exclusively for the +children. There is never any food on the table except just the simple +things that children can eat. There is never any conversation except +about the children. The wife never manifests the slightest interest in +her husband, or shows him any affection. All of the tenderness, the +caresses, the sympathy and understanding is lavished on the children. +It is the children’s likes and dislikes and prejudices that are +remembered and catered to. + +There are many wives who begrudge every cent that a husband spends on +himself because they want the money to throw away on the children. They +will nag their husbands into giving up smoking so that they can buy the +baby a real lace cap. There are wives who literally work their husbands +to death that their daughters may go off to finishing schools, and +their boys have the latest model sports automobile. + +Now the average man loves his children, but he has not this crazy, +obsessing passion for them that their mother has. When the first +baby comes he is proud of it and fond of it, and he wants it to have +every proper care and attention, but he doesn’t want to spend hours +sitting by its crib, gloating over it and marveling at how naturally it +breathes. He wants to go about the ordinary affairs of life as he did +before the baby was born, and he wants his wife’s companionship. + +But she will seldom go with him, and when she does, she is no fun +because she doesn’t enter into the spirit of anything. She has left +her whole interest in life behind in the nursery. Nor is she an +entertaining companion at home any more. And it gets on his nerves +being told to “sh-h-h-h-sh” every time he shuts the door, for fear he +will wake the baby. + +He even discovers that his wife is relieved when he goes out without +her, and leaves her undisturbed to her infant adoration. And so the +rift is first made between them. Each starts on a life in which the +other has no part, and that takes them farther away from each other as +the years go by. + +If the true co-respondent were ever named in many a divorce case, it +would be the first baby. There are always plenty of women a man can +find who will play with him while his wife is busy in the nursery; who +will listen to him and flatter him, while his wife is telling the baby +he is the most boofulest thing in the world. While mama is holding +the baby’s hand, some vamp is generally holding papa’s. It is a great +thing to be a good mother, but it is equally as great a thing to be a +good wife. And it is a bad thing to do either one at the expense of the +other. Often children are better off for a little wholesome neglect, +but a husband never is. + +Remember that, ladies, and don’t make your baby your husband’s deadly +rival. + + + + +XII + +LEARN A TRADE, GIRLS + + +These few lines are addressed to the thousands of girls who have +finished school and who are now standing, as the poet puts it, “where +the brook and river meet” wondering “where do we go from here?” + +I want to urge you, girls, with all the earnestness of which I am +capable, to psychoanalyze yourselves and try to find out what talents +and aptitudes nature bestowed upon you, and then to go to some school +where you can develop your gift and fit yourself to be self-supporting. + +I give this advice to the rich girl no less than to the poor girl, for +in these days of shifting fortunes we have the new poor as well as the +new rich, and no woman knows how soon she may be called upon to earn +her own bread and butter or starve. If she has been taught how to do +this, losing her money is merely an inconvenience to her; but if she +does not know how to earn a dollar, it is a tragedy. + +No women in the world are so pitiful as those who have, as the saying +goes, “seen better days” and, with their money gone, are suddenly +flung out into the world to make their own living, with no trade, no +profession, no skill in any line, no knowledge of how to make a penny. +They can only eke out an existence by doing the most ill-paid work, or +else they become parasites, or are forced by hunger, and shabbiness, +and need into the sad sisterhood of the streets. + +Don’t risk such a fate befalling you. Prepare yourself in time against +it. Have that within yourself which will not be affected by the fall +in stocks or the depreciation of real estate. Many things may rob you +of your fortune, but you cannot lose your trained brain and skilful +hand. They will be a resource that you can always fall back upon in any +emergency. + +Of course I know, when I urge you girls to fit yourselves to learn some +gainful occupation by which you can support yourselves, that you smile +and say to yourselves that you do not expect to earn your own living +long. You are going to marry and follow woman’s oldest profession, that +of wife and mother. That is as may be. In the past the great majority +of women have been able to count, with a fair degree of safety, on +being able to marry, but it is by no means a foregone conclusion that +the girl of to-day will get a husband. + +There has been a most decided decline and falloff in matrimony and home +life, and it is foolish for girls to think that they have the same +chance of marrying that their mothers and grandmothers had. Now, for +the girl who is sitting around and waiting for some man to come along +and marry her, it is a catastrophe to be passed by. She becomes the +sour and disgruntled old maid, eating the bitter bread of dependence, +the fringe on some family that doesn’t want her. Or else she has to +take any sort of a poor stick of a man as a prop to lean upon. + +Far different is it with the girl who has fitted herself for some +definite work and is competently doing it. She has a profession in +which she is vitally interested. She has an occupation which fills her +time. She makes enough money to indulge herself in the luxuries that +women love, and so marriage becomes to her merely an incident of life, +not the whole thing. If the right man comes along, well and good. If +not, also well and good. She has her pleasant, independent, interesting +life as a girl bachelor. The world to her is full of such a number of +things besides wedding rings. + +Furthermore, girls, even if you do marry, you may still need to keep on +being a bread-winner instead of becoming a breadmaker. The high cost +of living has to be reckoned with, and not every man under present +economic conditions is able to support a family alone and unaided. In +the past the good wife helped her husband by doing the housework, and +turning, and mending, and pinching the pennies. In the future the good +wife will doubtless help her husband by keeping on with her well-paid +job and assisting in making the money to give her family the living +conditions, and her children the education that the man alone could not +afford to give them. So, except among the rich, marriage is going to +mean a retirement from business no more for women than it is for men. + +Another reason why I urge you, girls, to learn some gainful occupation +and perfect yourself in it is because it will do more than any other +one thing to make you happy. It will keep you from being bored, and +boredom is at the root of all fretful discontent. People who are busy, +who have a definite object in view and are striving to attain it, +find the day all too short, are always content and cheerful. And talk +about thrills! You never really know one until you hold your first +pay envelope in your hand and it surges over you that the money in it +represents your own work that was good enough for somebody to pay for. + +Being able to make your own living sets you free. Economic independence +is the only independence in the world. As long as you must look to +another for your food and clothes you are a slave to that person. You +must obey him. You must defer to him. You must bend your will to his. + +But when you can stand on your own feet you can snap your fingers in +the face of the world and tell it where it gets off. You do not have +to endure tyrannical parents. You do not have to put up with a cruel +husband. You can support yourself, and you are free. + +So I urge you, girls, never to rest until you have fitted yourselves +to earn your own bread, and butter, and cake. And remember, the better +your work the more you earn. It is efficiency that pulls down the big +pay envelope. + +It doesn’t make a bit of difference what you do, my dear. It is the +way you do it that counts. You can make a success or a failure of +any occupation under the sun. The fat pay envelope is the reward of +superexcellent work. It isn’t the perquisite of any particular trade or +profession. + +We do best those things that we enjoy doing, and so I urge you to +sit down quietly and study yourself and try to find out what nature +intended you to be. + +Probably you have no very decided talent, no cosmic urge that makes you +feel that you must paint, or sing, or dance, or cook, or keep books, or +else life will be dust and ashes in your mouth. + +But you are sure to find that there is something that you like to do +better than other things. It may be trimming hats. It may be messing +around the kitchen. It may be that you are quick at figures and can +always remember dates. It may be that you write a good hand, or always +got a hundred in spelling at school. + +There is always some one thing for which you have a turn, as the phrase +goes, and that points the road for you to follow. + +If you have no mechanical skill, don’t do anything that requires +deftness of the hands. If you can’t spell, don’t waste any time trying +to be a stenographer. If you cannot add up a column of figures three +times without getting four different results, pass up bookkeeping. You +will never make a success of anything for which you have no aptitude. +You will always hate it and be bored by it. + +The successful people are those who love their work so well that it +is a sheer joy to do it; who never count the labor that they put into +it, and who are so interested in it that it is perpetually in their +thoughts. + +Therefore choose the thing that you like to do and get fun out of +doing, and don’t just blunder into taking the first job that presents +itself or make the mistake of taking up some profession to which you +are not called because some other girls are doing so or because it +seems to you romantic or elegant. + +Of course, in these days of the emancipation of women, every road is +as free for a girl to follow as it is to a boy, but you will find that +those women make the greatest successes who stick to purely feminine +lines. There is just as much need for woman’s work in the world as +there is for man’s, and when it is equally well done it is equally well +paid. In some occupations it is a little better paid because there are +fewer women experts than there are men. + +There are very few women who have risen from the ranks to become +presidents of banks, or trust magnates, or big manufacturers; but every +community has in it women who have made tidy fortunes as dressmakers, +or milliners, or boarding-house keepers. + +Teaching, nursing, cooking, sewing; home-making in all its +ramifications and branches; buying and selling pretty things; the +building and furnishing of houses; the healing of the sick, all of +these are strictly within the feminine province, and you will not make +a mistake if you choose whichever one of these occupations appeals to +your fancy. Women have been unconsciously trained along these lines for +centuries and have for them an inherited aptitude. It takes the average +man years of profound study to acquire the sense of color that a girl +baby is born with. And any dub of a woman can give an architect points +on lights, and kitchen sinks, and the heights of shelves and about +closets. So stick to your last and capitalize your feminine intuitions +instead of trying to invade masculine fields. Even women writers and +women artists are more successful when their work is most womanly. +And great actresses will be remembered for the feminine rôles they +portrayed, not for the masculine parts they essayed and in which they +were grotesque failures. + +Having selected your occupation, perfect yourself in it. Master its +technique. Don’t be satisfied to be an also-ran. Make of yourself a +blue-ribbon winner. You will have to work longer hours and harder doing +ill-paid work than you will doing highly paid work. The difference +between a $15 cook and a $10,000 chef is just a matter of skill. One +woman gets $5 for a hat, another $50. It is just the touch to a bow or +ribbon or a twist to a bit of velvet that does it. Whether you get a +thin pay envelope or a thick one as a stenographer, or bookkeeper, or +clerk, depends upon how expert you are. So make up your mind that you +are not going to work for a pittance, and go after the big salary by +making yourself worth it. Employers are just pining to pay the price of +good work. + +Then tackle your job as if you meant to make a life-work of it. +Don’t look upon it as a bridge of sighs that you have to travel over +with reluctant feet from the schoolroom to the altar. Think of it as +something you are going to do as long as you live; something that is +going to be your friend, and comforter, and stay, and to which you will +give the best that is in you. That won’t keep you from marrying if the +right man comes along, and it will be a powerful stay if no man comes. +Not many girls do this. They regard their work as only a makeshift +until they can marry, and so they never take the trouble to learn how +to do it properly. That is why they fail, and why they are ill-paid. +Don’t be one of them. Choose a congenial occupation and put your heart +and your back into it, and your success will be assured. + + + + +XIII + +TRIAL DIVORCE + + +I believe the one thing that would do more than anything else to stop +the utter wrecking of homes and the half-orphaning of children, in the +case of unhappy marriages, would be the institution of trial divorce +and the refusal of the courts to make any divorce decree absolute under +two years. For so many husbands and wives think they have ceased to +love each other, when they are only too much fed up with each other’s +society. So many persons think they long for freedom, when they only +need a rest. So many persons think divorce a panacea for every ill, who +find out, when they try it, that the remedy is worse than the disease. + +The great majority of men and women are romantically in love when they +get married, and they expect to live ever afterward in a state of +storybook bliss. Then comes the inevitable disillusionment, when they +find out that they have married ordinary human beings instead of angels +and motion-picture heroes. Comes the clash of personalities. The fight +of the selfish to get the best for one’s self. The rebellion at the +sacrifices that matrimony demands. + +The woman begins to nag. The man gets grouchy and surly. Each magnifies +every fault of the other. Resentment and disappointment blot out every +memory of love and tenderness, of goodness and nobility. They come to +the point where they feel that they cannot stand each other a minute +longer and rush off to the divorce courts. + +But the ink is hardly dry on their decrees before they begin to view +each other in a kindlier light. The man, living in his club or at +a boarding house, wandering from restaurant to restaurant, hating +the cooking and getting his digestion upset, begins to think of his +ex-wife’s good points. How true and loyal and devoted she was! What a +good cook and housekeeper! And he wonders that he didn’t have enough +sense of humor to laugh at her nagging instead of letting it get on his +nerves. + +The woman, trying to make a home for herself with less money than she +is accustomed to, bewildered and terrified at having to face life for +herself, with no man to depend on, begins to recall her husband’s +virtues instead of his faults, and to reflect that it is better to have +even a husband who is short on compliments, and shy on attentions, and +long on knocks, than to have no husband at all. + +And in their secret souls both are conscience-stricken when they look +at their children and see them lacking a mother’s or a father’s care +and a real home. So there are thousands of couples who are merely +disgruntled with each other who would come together again if a trial +divorce gave them time in which the galled spots that the matrimonial +yoke has made on their necks could heal and they could find out that +they hadn’t got such bad teammates, after all. + +The trial divorce would do much to solve even those cases in which +husbands and wives think that they have fallen out of love with their +lawful mates and have found their affinities in others. Nine times out +of ten the reason that men and women lose their affection for their +husbands and wives is just because they are bored with them. They have +had an overdose of them. They have seen them too long and at too close +range. + +Every woman knows that when she starts off on her summer vacation she +sees her husband as just a hump-shouldered, fat, bald-headed man, who +is slouchy about dressing; but after she has been away a week she +begins to remember what a classical nose he has. In a fortnight she +thinks how handsome and distinguished-looking he is, and by the end of +the month he is a perfect Valentino to her. The man has just the same +reactions about his wife. She goes away fat and frumpy and middle-aged, +and she returns merely plump and more attractive than any flapper to +him. + +Many men and women who think they are permanently tired of their +husbands and wives are only temporarily weary of looking at the +same face and listening to the same line of conversation across the +breakfast table, and if a trial divorce gave them a second choice they +would find that they preferred the old love to the new. + +For the lure of the “other woman” and the “other man” is chiefly that +they are unattainable and unknown, and these charms vanish before the +trial divorce that makes them possible and familiar. It gives the +foolish, infatuated husband and wife a chance really to compare the +long-haired poet or the short-haired flapper with the partners they had +and are about to lose. + +Give a man time to forget his wife’s nagging, and his peaches-and-cream +complexioned secretary will not look as good a risk, after all, to him +as his faithful old wife. Give a woman time to forget the mean things +her husband said to her when they quarreled, and she will think a long +time before she exchanges her good provider for some impecunious glib +love-maker. + +The truth is, that few men and women find in divorce the solution of +their woes that they expected. They picture it as a state of bliss in +which they will be free of all woes and cares, an earthly paradise in +which there will be no fretting wives or fault-finding husbands, and in +which they will be able to do exactly as they please. But they find +its golden apples Dead Sea fruit that turns to ashes on their lips. The +man who has resented his wife’s tyranny and writhed under her curtain +lectures, strangely finds out that he wants to go home, when he has no +home to which to go, and nobody to care whether he ever comes back or +not. + +The woman who has thought she would be happy if she no longer had to +live with a neglectful husband, finds that the world also neglects her +and that her freedom has merely brought her the freedom of earning her +own living. And when this hard and bitter knowledge soaks into the +consciousness of men and women many of them would be glad enough to go +back again to their old husbands and wives if they could. + +So, when we unscramble our scrambled marriage laws, let’s put the trial +divorce into them. + + + + +XIV + +MARRY THE MAN YOU LOVE + + +A young woman wants to know whether it is better to marry the man she +loves, or the man who loves her. Both, I should say. Marriage should be +a mutual benefit association in which both parties give and receive; +in which they love and are loved in equal measure. Cupid, however, is +no dispenser of justice. He rarely holds the scales even. Very few +husbands and wives feel the same amount of affection for each other. In +almost every married couple one kisses and the other submits to being +kissed, as the French proverb cynically puts it. + +This being the case, it is better for the woman to be the kisser than +the kissee, because, while it is misfortune to a woman never to be +loved, it is a tragedy to her never to love. + +Of course, every woman desires to be worshiped by some man, and she +dreams of having a husband who will be a perpetual lover and spend his +life laying tributes at her feet. She feels that she would be perfectly +happy doing the goddess-on-a-pedestal act, and occasionally deigning +to bestow a kind word on her adorer, as one throws a bone to a dog. +Obsessed by this romantic vision, which flatters her vanity, many a +woman is beguiled into marrying a man for whom she has only a mild +liking because he is so crazy about her. She thinks that he can supply +enough love for two, and that she will be happy and satisfied with just +being loved. + +It does not take her long to find out that she has made a sad mistake, +and that there is nothing with which we can get so easily satiated as +we can with the affection we do not return. We have no appetite for it +and it is tasteless in our mouths. Nor are there any greater bores than +those who love us, who cling to us, who want to be always with us, but +whom we do not love and of whom we get tired to death. + +All of us know doormat husbands whose wives ruthlessly trample them +under foot. We all know peevish, disgruntled, discontented wives, whose +husbands slave to give them luxuries for which they never get so much +as—“Thank you.” We have all held up our hands in horror when some wife +left a good, devoted husband and eloped with another man or packed her +trunk and hiked out for Hollywood, and we wondered what was the matter +with these women that they were not satisfied with their husband’s love. + +The trouble with them was that they had married men who loved them +instead of men they loved. If they had been doing the love-making and +trying to hold the affections of husbands whom they suspected every +flapper of trying to steal from them, they would have been too busy, +too thrilled and interested to get into mischief. + +There are many reasons why a woman who is contemplating matrimony +should lay greater stress upon the state of her own affections than +she does upon the man’s. The principal one, of course, is because a +woman is ten times as much married to her husband as he is to her, and +therefore it is ten times more important that she should be pleased +with her bargain than it is that he should be satisfied with his. + +A married man has a million interests, and distractions, and +amusements, and compensations outside of his home, and if his wife does +not turn out to be all that his fondest fancy painted her, he has his +business to fall back upon, his ambition and his career to console him. +He is never wholly dependent on his wife for his happiness. But a woman +stakes her all on her matrimonial gamble, and if she does not love her +husband, if she does not find happiness in her home, she has nothing. + +A woman’s emotions make her life. What she feels is of more interest +to her than what she does. She cannot substitute liking for loving any +more than she can water for wine. And no matter how much she admires +the man to whom she is married, no matter how grateful she is to him +for his kindness to her, unless he can raise a thrill in her breast +everything is cinders, ashes and dust to her. + +She feels that she has missed the best thing in life, the thing she +most wanted; and she is restless and dissatisfied, and is forever on a +still hunt to find her real soul-mate. + +To the average woman, marriage is a state of perpetual sacrifice. She +must go through the agony of bearing children, and the long, weary +years of ceaseless care and anxiety in rearing them. She must work +harder than any hireling at the dull and monotonous task of cooking and +cleaning and scrubbing and sewing and mending that it takes to make a +comfortable home. And the only thing on earth that can make all of this +worth while is love for her husband. That sets a star in her sky. That +gilds the humblest task. The woman who stands over a stove cooking a +dinner for the husband to whom she is utterly indifferent is a slave +driven to her appointed task by her sense of duty. The woman who stands +over a stove cooking dinner for a husband she adores is a priestess +making a burnt offering of herself on the altar of her god. + +The woman who marries the man she loves is never bored, and boredom is +the particular curse of the feminine sex. She throws herself heart and +soul into her husband’s interests, and is more eager for his success +than he is himself. She is never dull, because the smallest thing that +concerns him is of more import to her than the events that shake the +great outer world. She can find food for thought and scope for her +activities in the fact that her husband likes onions with his beefsteak +or prefers mushrooms. Her days are filled with pleasurable excitement +in preparing for his homecoming of an evening, and when she hears his +key in the latch her heart strikes up “Hail to the King.” + +The woman who marries the man she loves is never dissatisfied, never +disgruntled. He may be a poor thing, but he is her own, the one she cut +out of the bunch and which she marked with her own brand. Having got +the one thing she wanted most, she can well afford to pity her poor +sisters who have only limousines and pearls and the merely tolerated +husbands who are the purveyors thereof. A woman should always marry +a man with whom she is very much in love, because it insures her a +stimulating and interesting life. The reason that most women run down +and get slack and slouchy is because they are bored to tears with +domesticity. They do not care for their husbands and so they take no +trouble to please them. + +But the woman who is in love with her husband, who married the man she +wanted, is on her tiptoes all of the time. She means to keep him and +she takes no chances on disillusioning him with curl papers, and cold +cream, and bad cooking, and tantrums. She is eternally in pursuit; and +while there may be times when she gets tired and feels as if she would +like to sit down and take things easy, still there is no denying that +the love chase puts pep in any lady’s day. + +A woman should never marry any man except the one with whom she is very +much in love, because every woman craves romance, and if she doesn’t +get it at home she is very apt to seek it abroad, or else she goes +through life hungry, unsatisfied. The wives who get into scandals; who +think they find soul-mates in their preachers, or their doctors, or +long-haired poets; the wives who run off after strange cults and who +burden down the mails with letters to movie actors are all women who +married men they didn’t love. + +The women who are crazily in love with their husbands make their own +angel’s food at home and don’t have to go around trying to pick up +stray crumbs on the street. Of course, the woman who loves her husband +better than he does her has her moments of acute jealousy, but even +these are full of ginger and are better than the dull stagnation of +having a man that you don’t take the trouble to lock up at night +because you know you can’t lose him. + +Truly, it is more blessed to give than to receive, and it is better for +a woman to love than to be loved. + + + + +XV + +ARE YOU GOOD COMPANY FOR YOURSELF? + + +Do you ever think what poor company most of us are for ourselves? It +is strange but true that the one individual on God’s earth who bores +the average man and woman more than any one else is just himself +and herself. There is no society they so dread as their own, and no +expedient so desperate that they will not resort to it rather than be +left alone with themselves. They will fasten themselves like leeches +on kinspeople and friends who try to shake them loose. They will stay +on in homes where they know they are not welcome. They will put up +with any discomfort in order to herd together. They will hold up the +telephone poles at the corners of streets, and walk the aisles of the +department stores until they are ready to drop with fatigue. + +They will belong to clubs where they foregather with the dull and +prosy and fat-witted, and where they spend hours listening to egotists +monologue about how great and wonderful they are. Evening after evening +they go to vaudeville performances whose every turn is so stupid it +is enough to make even a hero scream with pain, and to see moving +pictures whose scenarios are an insult to the intelligence of an idiot. + +Anything—anywhere, to get away from themselves, to escape having to +spend an hour in their own company. So universal is the belief that it +is the limit of social and mental poverty to be reduced to your own +society for company, that we speak of those who live alone as being +lonesome, and pity them accordingly. + +It does not even occur to us that they may have that within themselves +which could make them gay and witty companions to themselves, of whom +they would never tire. + +It is easy, of course, to see why many people are bored to tears with +their own company. Men and women who never read anything can’t have +very much that is new and interesting to say to themselves. After they +have discussed the state of the green grocery trade with themselves, +on which they are rather fed up anyway after having wrestled with +it all day, or mulled over the last gossip about the neighbors next +door, and wondered for the millionth time how the Joneses can afford a +new car, and where the Smith girl has been spending the evening when +she came home at 3 A. M., they find that they have exhausted their +conversational repertoire. + +But if they are reading people they can never have a dull instant +when they are alone, for every book, every magazine, every newspaper +is a magic carpet that takes them in an instant into the uttermost +parts of the world. There isn’t a strange sight they may not see, or a +secret whispered behind a closed door they may not hear; nor a romance +unfolded whose thrill does not touch their hearts and stir their pulse. +Education and cultivation would be worth while if they did nothing else +except take the curse off loneliness. + +You can see how people who are envious and jealous and quarrelsome and +mean-spirited dread to be left alone with themselves. They have devils +from hell for company, those men and women whose souls are filled with +bitterness and hate, and who are forever thrashing over old grievances, +recalling old wrongs, bringing to life again old enmities. + +We all avoid the pessimistic and the cynical—those who can see nothing +cheerful or good in the world, and with whom even a chance meeting +seems to take the warmth out of the sunshine, and God out of His +heaven, and make all life dark and foul. How terrible, then, must it +be to live with yourself when you have nothing to say to yourself that +does not leave a dark-brown taste in your mouth? It is not strange +that those who have lived hard and selfish and grasping lives are poor +company for themselves. + +You cannot imagine a widow spending a cheery evening recalling how she +nagged her poor, dead husband, how cross and peevish and complaining +she was, or how little she had done to repay him for all that he had +done for her. Neither can you imagine a woman enjoying telling herself +that if she had been less extravagant, and content with simple things, +if she hadn’t demanded fine clothes and jewels and trips to Europe, +that her husband would not have had to kill himself working, and that +she might now have some one to talk to, living and breathing, instead +of a demon of remorse. + +It is not strange that a man wants other company than the recollection +of how his coldness and neglect turned the bright, joyous, loving, +tender girl he married into a quiet, sad woman who cringed like a +whipped dog before his cruel fault-finding. Nor is it strange that +the man who has driven hard bargains and overreached in trade, who +has ground down the faces of those who worked for him, who has taken +advantage of the ignorant and the trustful, and built his fortune +on the ruins of widows and children, does not find his own society +exhilarating. + +When we are old we have nothing but our memories left us. They are +enough company if they are filled with the smiling faces of those we +loved, who recall to us kindly acts we have done, helping hands we have +held out, and if they murmur to us of kindly, gracious deeds. But they +are terrible companions if they are filled with memories of cruelty +and wrong. Considering that, do what we may, we can never escape from +ourselves, that we are bound to endure our own society, is it not a +pity that we do not emulate the poet who said, “My mind to me a kingdom +is,” and make ourselves better company for ourselves! + + + + +XVI + +KEEPING YOUNG + + +None of us wants to die. No matter how strong our religious faith, nor +how lustily we sing “Heaven is my home,” none of us is in a hurry to +go there. We prefer to stay in a world in which we are acquainted and +acclimated. Likewise, we all dread old age. It fills us with horror to +think of becoming bent and tottering old men and women, our vigor of +mind and body gone, sans hair, sans teeth, sans everything. So from +time immemorial humanity has been on the still hunt for some magic that +will stay the devastating hand of time and enable it to hold on to the +youth it prizes so dearly. The ancients sailed the world over seeking +fabled islands and miraculous fountains of perpetual youth. We moderns +pin our faith to the surgeon’s knife and the druggist’s bottles, to +monkey glands, and face liftings, and paints, and powders, and hair +dyes. + +All in vain. The black oxen of the years march over us, treading out +our youth and beauty, our strength and high spirits, and nothing that +we can do will stop them. So it seems a pity that we should waste so +much thought, so much struggle, and effort, and energy, and money in +essaying an impossible task. For do what we may, we cannot keep young, +and when we try to camouflage age as juvenility the only people in the +world that we fool are ourselves. + +We can dye our hair the gold, or the black, or the jet of girlhood, but +we cannot put under it the fresh face of sixteen. We can have our skin +gored and tucked until all of our wrinkles are taken out, but there +still remain the tired, old eyes that have seen fifty or sixty years. +We can starve ourselves until we get the figures of flappers, but we +are not lithe and graceful. We are living skeletons. We can roll our +stockings and borrow our granddaughter’s clothes, but it doesn’t make +us look like debutantes. It makes us look like those afflicted with +senile dementia. The truth is, the more we fight age the harder it +fights back and the sooner it conquers us. None grow old so quickly as +those who work themselves into premature age trying to keep young. + +Once I was standing behind a jaunty little figure perched on the +runningboard of a car. She wore the gayest and sportiest of sport +suits. She had the thin figure of a girl of fifteen. Her bobbed +henna-colored hair curled under the brim of a rakish little hat. +Presently she turned around and disclosed a face that was like a mask, +it was so plastered over with cosmetics. “Heavens! Did you ever see +such an old hag?” exclaimed a man near me. + +Now, this woman was not more than fifty years old. She was in the prime +of life, at an age when many women are handsomer than they ever were +in their lives. No one would have thought of her as being old at all, +if she had been willing to appear her own honest age; if she had had +the pleasing plumpness that belonged to her time of life; if her soft, +gray hair had waved about her face, and if she had been appropriately +dressed. It was her effort to appear kiddish that called attention to +what an old goat she was. + +If bobbing and dyeing their hair, and dieting themselves to emaciation, +and wearing knee-length skirts made elderly women look young and +girlish, they would not only be justified in doing so, it would be a +virtue to do it, for thereby they would make themselves easy on the +eyes. But just the reverse is true. Their affectation of youth only +calls attention to what a long distance they have traveled from youth. +Old mutton never seems so old, and tough, and stringy as when it is +dressed as spring lamb. + +And the folly of trying to act young after you are old is just as great +as that of trying to look sixteen when you are sixty. Women have been +told so often they must keep their spirits young, they must never think +old thoughts, they must never speak of age, or admit to themselves they +are getting older, that they have come to believe that, simply by +forgetting their birthdays, they can maintain perpetual girlhood. + +We all know women who begin every reminiscence by saying that they were +very young at the time it happened, and who give us to understand their +husbands were cradle snatchers, who married them when they were mere +infants. We know old women who are always teasing themselves about men, +and talking about their best beaus, and pretending to have flirtations +with boys young enough to be their grandsons, and repeating compliments +about their eyes or their fascinations they allege men paid them, +but that even an idiot would know that they made up themselves. How +ridiculous the poor souls make themselves! How infinitely older they +appear than the women who do not try to pose as vamps after they have +ceased to look the part, and who regard men just as they do women, as +interesting and agreeable human beings. + +Perhaps, after all, we make too big a bugaboo of growing old. The +twilight has its charms no less than the dawn or high noon, and so the +last lap of the journey of life has its compensations and its joys if +we are willing to accept them. + +Anyway, the only way we can escape old age is by dying young. But if we +welcome it as a friend, it deals kindlier with us than if we fight it +as an enemy. + + + + +XVII + +GOSSIP, THE POLICEMAN + + +A young woman writes me that she considers that she has a right to live +her own life in her own way and do exactly as she pleases. So she has +broken most of the Ten Commandments and snapped her fingers in the face +of Mrs. Grundy. And now that she finds that her reputation is being +torn to tatters, she thinks that she is being most unfairly treated. + +“Oh, how I hate the whole tribe of kitty-cats!” she wails. “Oh, how +hard, and cruel, and unjust people are!” Then she asks, “Don’t you +think that gossip is the unpardonable sin?” + +Not at all. Gossip is one of the most powerful influences in the world +for good. It is the invisible, omnipresent policeman that enforces law +and order. It is the scourge that keeps the trembling wretch in order +and makes the weak-kneed and the wobbly walk the straight and narrow +path. + +We can stifle the voice of conscience, but we can’t silence the voice +of our neighbors. We can dope ourselves into believing that we have +a right to make our own code of conduct, but we can’t force the +community in which we live to take our point of view on the matter, or +to make any exceptions in our behalf to the standards that society has +set up for good behavior. And it is this fear of what “they’ll say” +that makes us curb our appetites and passions and keep up at least an +outward show of decency. For no matter how vain and egotistic we are; +no matter how self-complacent and self-satisfied we are; no matter +how independent we think we are, we are all cowards who grovel in the +dust before public opinion. It is the lifted eyebrow. It is the cold, +measured, appraising look that weighs us in the balance and finds us +wanting. It is the turn of a shoulder away from us and the little hush +that falls on a group as we approach that tells us that we have been +the subject of unfavorable discussion, which we dread more than we do +the wrath of God. + +It is the knowledge that she will be gossiped about if she indulges +in any flirtations which keeps many a bored young married woman with +romantic yearnings from indulging in little affairs with good-looking +bachelors. She knows there might really be no harm in her having lunch +with Mr. A. or going to the theater with Captain C., but that she could +never explain it to the woman who lives across the street. + +And the next time the Current Events Club meets she knows that she will +be the current event of burning interest discussed. Therefore she turns +down the alluring invitations and stays at home, and minds her p’s and +her q’s and her babies. + +And it is the fear of gossip that makes many an indiscreet girl watch +her step and saves her from the stumble that would land her in the pit. +She is easy-going and good-natured, and warm-hearted and affectionate, +and she sees no harm in letting boys that she likes kiss her and +fondle her, but it makes the flesh creep on her bones to think of the +Amalgamated Scandal Mongers’ Union getting out their hammers and going +for her if she does. She knows well enough that the neighbors on either +side keep tab on what hour her beaux go home and what goes on as they +sit on the front porch or stoop of an evening, and she conducts herself +accordingly. There is no chaperon so efficient as Mrs. Grundy. + +If we could only do as we pleased and get away with it without any +censorious comments from our fellow creatures, there would be many +more philandering husbands and wives than there are, many more girls +wandering down the primrose path, many more neglected children and +ill-kept houses, many more wife-beating husbands and virago wives. It +is the knowledge that, if they give way to their natural impulses, they +will be talked about, which gives many would-be sinners the strength to +resist the temptation to be as bad as they would like to be. + +The people who think it is so wicked to be talked about are only +those who have something to hide, something that reflects on their +character. It is our bad deeds we don’t want discussed. We are tickled +to death to have our good ones broadcasted to the ends of the earth. + +No man objects to having it told about that he is a model husband, a +good provider and a tender father. The thing he wants hushed up is that +he half starves his family in order to spend the money on a flapper. No +woman wants to put the soft pedal on the conversation when her friends +are telling what a wonderful wife and mother she is; but she doesn’t +know how women, who call themselves her friends, can be catty enough +to whisper behind their hands that she went out joy-riding with young +Snookums and didn’t get home until 4 in the morning, while the baby was +nearly dying with the croup. + +Those who are down on gossip and feel that the world should cover up +their shortcomings with a blanket of silence are unreasonable. Why +should other people be more careful of your reputation than you are +yourself? If you do not care enough for your good name to protect +it, why demand that service of the general public? Foolish and vain +expectation! For the gossipers keep on their good work, and the only +way you can escape being talked about is to be so exemplary that you +are a dull subject for conversation. + + + + +XVIII + +THE LUCKY WORKING WOMAN + + +Why do we hold to the theory that work is a blessing to men, but a +curse to women? We know beyond all questioning that the necessity of +earning his bread by the sweat of his brow was the consolation prize +that Adam was handed along with his eviction papers when he was turned +out of Eden. We know that the only happy man is the busy man. We know +that only in constructive labor does a man find an interest that never +palls and a game in which there is a perpetual thrill. We know that +work is the greatest anodyne for sorrow and the best protection against +temptation. We know that, as Stevenson says, “if a man loves the labor +of any trade apart from any question of success or fame, the gods have +called him, and he is of all men most enviable.” + +So manifold are the benefits men derive from work, so salutary are its +effects upon them, that we have a contempt for the idle, purposeless +man and feel that, no matter how much money he has, he has no right to +spend his life in loafing. We are eager to get our boys to work, so +that their restless young energy may find a legitimate outlet, instead +of being employed in devising new forms of dissipation. The young man +must have something to do, and if he isn’t bending his back in honest +farming he will be breaking his neck in sowing a wild-oats crop. + +Our attitude, however, toward women and work is diametrically opposite. +We do not regard work as a good thing for women. On the contrary, we +consider it a misfortune for a woman to have to work. We have even +coined a phrase for it and speak of the woman who must earn her own +living as a “poor working woman.” Worse still, the woman who works +pities herself. The mother whose daughters go down to business every +morning bewails their fate and feels that destiny has dealt most +unkindly by them. The woman who must do her own housework, and look +after her own babies, and make her own clothes sheds barrels of tears +over her lot. + +Men also accept this view of the situation that labor is a curse to +women, and work themselves to death in order that their wives and +daughters may live in parasitic ease, with servants to wait upon them +and have nothing to do but kill time. In fact, the consensus of opinion +seems to be that the ideal state for a woman is that in which she never +performs any useful labor, but merely sits on a silk cushion and feeds +upon strawberries, sugar and cream. All of this is a distorted view of +the situation. Women need to work just as much as men do. Idleness +has just as disastrous an effect upon the feminine character as it has +upon the male, and among women, as among men, the only happy, contented +ones are those who are so much engrossed in some useful labor that they +haven’t leisure in which to consider whether they are satisfied or not. + +Mother “poor Marys” and “poor Sallys” her daughters who have to earn +their living, but nowhere else will you see healthier, happier girls +than those holding down good jobs in stores and offices. Nine times out +of ten the girl behind the counter is brighter, more alert, and finds +life a far more entertaining proposition than does her purposeless idle +sister before the counter. + +Nor is the domestic woman who has to do her own housework entitled to +shed any tears of self-pity on our necks. There is no more reason why +a husky young woman shouldn’t do her share of the work of the domestic +partnership than there is why her husband should not do his. It is no +more of a hardship for her to have to work than it is for him, and many +a rich old woman who sits now with empty hands that ache for occupation +will tell you that her happiest days were the busy, crowded ones when +she got up at five o’clock to cook her husband’s breakfast before +he went to the factory and sat up until eleven o’clock washing and +patching his clothes so that he could make a decent appearance next day. + +It is a significant fact that the women who fill sanitariums and +enrich nerve specialists are not the overworked, hard-driven wives and +mothers. They are the middle-aged and elderly women, who have nothing +to do but to canvass their systems for symptoms of every disease they +read about in the magazines. It takes leisure to develop invalidism. +Busy people keep well because they haven’t time to be sick. + +Nearly every man’s ambition is to keep his wife in idleness, and he +thinks that he is being a good husband when he can boast that she +hasn’t a thing on earth to do but to amuse herself. It is pathetic +that the thing that so many good husbands strive for is their undoing. +For it is the idle women who are the peevish, fretful, discontented +wives. It is the idle women who run off with all sorts of fool fads +and fancies. It is the idle women who decide that their good, honest, +hard-working husbands are not their real soul-mates, and who get into +scandals with jazzhounds and elope with romantic-looking sheiks they +have picked up in hotel lobbies. + +The idle woman is never a happy woman. Having nothing to do but to +think about herself, she is sure to prod around in her mind until +she finds a grievance. Having nothing to do, she is sure to get into +mischief. Having no interesting occupation, she begins to hunt for +thrills. And the net result is that she works harder trying to amuse +herself than she would at scrubbing floors, and the only reward is +that life is flat, stale and unpalatable in her mouth. + +Let us hope that the time will soon come when we will have enough +intelligence to perceive that work is a woman’s salvation even as it is +a man’s, and when we will congratulate the woman with a job instead of +pitying her. + + + + +XIX + +AN INDOOR SPORT + + +This is a sad world, mates, with too little sunshine in it, so far +be it from me to abridge, abate or curtail any innocent pleasure. But +it does seem to me that there are certain diversions that should be +indulged in only in the privacy of home. One of these is the family +spat. Apparently a large number of men and women get married for the +sole purpose of providing themselves with a sparring partner, with whom +they can put on the gloves at a moment’s notice with, or without, the +slightest provocation. Life has no dull moments for them, because they +are always saying something that draws blood, or framing a retort that +will cut to the quick, and the excitement of a battle to the death is +perpetually thrilling their nerves. + +Without doubt, it is a merry and adventurous existence for the doughty +domestic warriors who enjoy that kind of thing! I would not be cruel +enough to deny them the cheery pastime of going to the mat over every +trivial difference of opinion. But I do contend that conjugal quarrels +are an indoor sport that should be pursued only when the participants +have sought the seclusion that the cabin grants, as they used to say +in “Pinafore,” and when all the shades have been pulled down and the +keyholes stuffed with cotton. + +Possibly the lack of an audience might take off a little of the edge of +the bout for the battling husband and spouse; but, oh, how immeasurably +it would add to the comfort and happiness of those of us who are the +innocent bystanders and who are forced to look on, sick with horror, +at these encounters! In all good truth I know of no other situation so +miserable and so embarrassing as to be called upon to referee a fight +between a married couple. Their quarrel is, to begin with, a matter +with which we have no concern; one in which we do not desire to meddle; +one in which we ardently wish to take neither side. It makes us feel as +if we were cowards to keep silent while a man hurls deadly insults at +his wife, and we writhe in vicarious shame while a woman vituperates +her husband. + +We have the sense of having assisted in an indecent orgy when a husband +and wife strip every rag of reserve away from their relationship and +fling open the doors of their skeleton closets, and rattle their bones +in public. Nor are we consoled by the knowledge that the people who +make public exhibitions of their tempers must enjoy doing so or else +they would not do it. Yet we all number among our friends, husbands +and wives, otherwise estimable and charming individuals, who always +stage their fights in the most conspicuous place they can find, and +who seem to prefer an audience to privacy. When you meet them for an +evening’s diversion they are having a preliminary set-to. Perhaps the +husband has come home late from the office, or has forgotten to mail +a letter, or possibly the wife has kept her husband waiting while she +did her hair over the second time. During the selection of the dinner +they get warmed up to the work and put in some punches with real steam +behind them. They clinch, and bite, and gouge over the selection of a +play, and they reach for each other’s vital spots and get in dirty jabs +at the supper dance that follows the play. + +Doubtless the fighters are enjoying themselves, but a pleasant time is +not being had by all. The abashed onlookers know not what to do. They +do not know whether to rush in and make it a free-for-all fight or to +try to mediate between the warring couple, or whether to pretend to +have been suddenly stricken deaf, dumb and blind. And they wind up by +feeling outraged that they should have been placed in such a mortifying +position, and wishing heartily that husbands and wives would keep their +quarrels for home consumption, and not inflict them on their friends. + +The same strictures apply to the woman who henpecks her husband. That +also is one of the quiet home joys that should be strictly confined +to the domestic circle. I raise no voice of protest against the woman +who has wit and strength and determination enough to oust her husband +out of his position as head of the house and assume it herself. It is +a matter between the husband and wife, and if he hasn’t enough spunk +to fight for his rights he deserves to lose them. But why cannot the +bossy women be content with exercising their tyranny quietly and +unobtrusively? Why do they insist upon rattling the chains by which +they lead their husbands until they call public attention to them? + +Think of the women you know who always say “MY house.” “MY car.” “MY +children.” Who always walk ahead of their husbands and point out a +seat, and say, “John, sit there,” and who always tell John where to +get on and where to get off! And think how all the rest of us are +embarrassed for poor John! Believe me, dirty linen should be washed at +home, and family quarrels staged there. That is one of the main things +for which homes are designed. + + + + +XX + +SHOULD WOMEN TELL? + + +I get a great many letters from women who write that there is a dark +stain on their past life. In the headstrong folly of youth they took +a step down the primrose path, then repented of their sin, and turned +their back upon it, and laid hold upon righteousness. + +Sometimes nobody knows of the slip but the girl herself and the man who +was her partner in wrong-doing. Sometimes a woman who had mired her +skirts to the knees has washed them clean with her tears of remorse, +and had the courage to build anew her life in some place where her +early escapades are unknown. + +Then love comes to these women. Good men offer them marriage and an +honorable place in society. And the question they ask is, shall they +tell these men the story of their life before they marry them, or bury +the secret in their heart, and leave the matter on the knees of the +gods? + +This is a problem no human wisdom can solve, for, so far as the +woman is concerned, it is a case in which she will be damned if she +does, and damned if she doesn’t. Her chances of getting happiness—or +misery—through opening up her skeleton closet and exhibiting its +contents to the man who has asked her to be his wife are about even, +with the odds for happiness slightly in favor of keeping the lid +clamped down good and hard on her secret. + +The question of right does not enter into the matter unless you +institute a prematrimonial confessional in which men shall bare their +souls as well as women. There is no more real reason why a woman should +tell a man every detail of her past than there is why he should tell +her of every time that he has strayed off of the straight and narrow +path. + +It is true that a couple who knew the worst of each other would start +out their life together on a firm foundation of honest understanding, +but nobody can claim that it would make for their felicity, or increase +their affection for each other. On the contrary, they would have swept +away every illusion. They would have destroyed the faith of each in the +other, and they would have called into being an evil spirit, a ghost +out of the past, that they could not banish, and that would forever +stand between them. + +Men have had the wisdom to perceive this. They realize that what a +woman doesn’t know doesn’t hurt her, but that the thing that she does +know she worries herself to death over, and so few men are foolish +enough to furnish a wife with a working diagram of their past lives +with which she can torture herself, and them. They draw a discreet +veil over episodes that are best forgotten, anyway, and deal only +in glittering generalities in referring to their gay bachelor days. +Moreover, women are sensible enough to let it go at that. No woman +wants her husband to tell her things that stab her every time she +thinks of them, and that eat like a canker into her memory. + +It is only when the case is reversed, and when it is the woman who has +a blot upon her past, that she wonders if it is the right thing, the +honorable thing, to tell the man who wants to marry her about it. Of +course, the woman is bound in this by the double code of morals, which +makes one standard for the woman and another for the man, and that, +humorously enough, makes a husband feel that he has been exceedingly +ill-used if he discovers that his wife has a past that matches his own. + +Therefore, because she is afraid that in future years her husband may +find out about her past life, or else driven by her conscience, or for +the sheer relief of sharing her burden with another, the woman nearly +always tells everything to the man before marriage. Sometimes it drives +him from her. Sometimes he loves her enough to marry her, in spite of +her revelations. + +But, while he forgives, he never forgets. Always he is haunted by the +memories of what she has revealed. He never trusts her, never wholly +believes in her, and he has to be a bigger-souled man than most men +are if he does not reproach her with her past, and use it as a whip of +scorpions to scourge her with when he is angry with her. + +Of course, when either a man’s or a woman’s past life has in it some +sinister curse that reaches out and lays a hand on the future of the +one he or she marries, he or she is bound in honor to tell the other +one about it. But when there is nothing of this kind, nothing but a +youthful folly, a mistake, a blunder in the dark, bitterly repented +of and lived down, it seems to me the part of wisdom for both men and +women to forego post-mortems, and to wash the slate clean and make a +fresh start. + +What they have done does not matter so much as what they are going to +do. And it often happens that just because a man or woman has stumbled +in the past they walk the more carefully among the pitfalls of life, +and that out of the sorrows and repentance for their sins they have +brought a tenderness, a compassion, a forbearance and an understanding +that makes them better men and women than the vast majority of those +who have lived blameless lives. + +Confession is always weakness. The brave soul keeps its own secrets, +and takes its own punishment in silence. It takes a strong man or woman +to keep from blabbing, but it pays never to tell anything that you do +not wish the world to know. + + + + +XXI + +DOMESTIC BOREDOM + + +The thing that oftenest makes marriage a failure is its dulness. +The real specter on the hearth is that awful silence. It is because +husbands and wives have nothing interesting to say to each other that +they quarrel. It is no joke, it is a sad truth, that in any theater or +restaurant you can spot the married couples at a first glance. They are +the couples who are sitting up reading the program through from cover +to cover between the acts, or are apparently memorizing the menu while +the waiter brings their order. The alert, interesting, smiling people +who are gayly chatting together are the unwed, or those who are talking +to other people’s husbands and wives. + +Let even a bore drop into a droopy, dejected family circle that has +been yawning itself to death and everybody brightens up and the stream +of conversation which had apparently dried up at its source begins to +flow again. Two may be company and three a crowd before marriage, but +generally after marriage two is gobs of silence and three a godsend. + +Yet the majority of people marry for companionship. Before marriage +they could never get enough of each other’s society, and they esteemed +each other perfect spellbinders. How is it, then, that they get so fed +up on each other’s company that they sit up like mutes in the solitude +of their homes? Why is it that, apart from fault-finding and spats and +complaints about the servants and the tradesmen and bulletins about +the children, there is so little family conversation; practically none +that is interesting and cheerful and inspiring? You would think that +a husband and wife who have all interests in common could never talk +themselves out. But they do, and they come to the place where they take +refuge behind the evening paper or in solitaire to save themselves from +the pretense of even having to maintain the appearance of keeping up +social intercourse. + +Wives lay the blame for this state of affairs on their husbands. They +say, heaven knows, that they would be glad enough to talk, but that +you can’t maintain a conversation with a person who always grunts by +way of reply, and who could give a clam on ice points on silence and +then beat it at the game. Men retort that they have exhausted their +conversational powers during business hours, and they desire to rest +their vocal cords at home. Nevertheless, it is observable that if +somebody interesting happens to call, or they go out to dinner, the +very man who was silent at home finds plenty to say. + +Now there are several reasons why there is so little conversation in +the home. The first reason is because home talk is so often unpleasant. +Women, especially, are prone to flavor it with gloom. They like to +recite the litany of the day’s mischances. They spoil the flavor of a +dinner by telling how much it cost. They bring on a scene with a child +by telling of its naughtiness. They thrash over their old grievances +because they can’t have what richer women have. + +All of this gets on the husband’s nerves, and he retorts by saying a +few pithy things about what a fool a man is to marry and burden himself +with a family and what a poor manager his wife is, and he gives a +few knocks to the dinner for good measure. After which conversation +naturally languishes. + +Another reason that there is little conversation at home is because it +is dangerous. Experience teaches us that we have to watch our tongues +and delete our home talk if we want to save ourselves from endless +trouble. + +A man hates to lie to his wife about what he does. He would enjoy +telling her all about the poker game he stayed downtown for last night, +and the funny things the boys said and did, but he does not do it +because well he knows that the price of such an indiscreet revelation +would be to have her nagging him about it forever and a day. A wife +would just love to tell her husband about her adventures in buying a +new hat, and how she fell for the twenty-five-dollar one instead of the +fifteen-dollar one she meant to buy. But she is well aware that she +would never hear the last of her extravagance if she did. So they both +keep silent. + +There is little home conversation because nobody is interested, and +nobody pretends to be, in what you say. In the family circle nobody +listens. Nobody laughs at your jokes. Nobody sees the points of your +merry cracks. Try to tell a good story, and somebody is sure to remark +that they have heard it before, and that it is an ancient wheeze. If +you had discovered the North Pole and were relating your hairbreadth +adventures in reaching it by airplane, somebody would interrupt at the +most breathless moment to say that the iceman forgot to deliver the ice +yesterday. + +Wives won’t listen even when their husbands try to tell them about +their hopes and plans and ambitions in their careers. And when a +woman tries to talk to her husband about the things that are of vital +interest to her he falls asleep and snores in her face. + +And that is why conversation is a lost art in the family circle. + + + + +XXII + +TO MARRY OR NOT TO MARRY? + + +A young woman once said to me: + +“I am, as you know, the private secretary of the head of a very big +business concern. I get a generous salary. My hours are easy. My +employer, who is an elderly man, is one of the finest men in the world, +and treats me with every courtesy, kindness and consideration. I feel +it a privilege to be in daily contact with such a brilliant mind as he +has. I love my work. I have what they call in men a business head. To +me there is no other romance so fascinating as the romance of commerce; +no game so absorbing as the business game. And it thrills me to the +finger tips to know that I have a part, even if it is a small one, in +this great adventure that sends men and ships to the uttermost parts of +the earth and that gambles for fortunes. + +“It gratifies my vanity to know that I have worked up from the bottom +to my present fine position, and it pleases my ambition to know that I +can climb still higher, and that every year I will be more efficient +and more valuable to my employer. I enjoy the money I make, and the +luxuries it brings me, as only a woman can who comes of a poor family, +and whose girlhood has been barren of all the pretty things that girls +crave. I find a lot of solid satisfaction in watching my bank account +grow, knowing that, if I keep on with my job for a few years, I will +have put by enough to safeguard my old age. + +“So far, so good. If I were going to remain perpetually on the sunny +side of forty, I would ask no life better than that of the successful +business woman. But the dread hour will strike for me, as it does for +all other women, and I am wondering if, when it does, I will not find +myself a lonely old woman, and wish that I had married and had children. + +“I am thirty now, and I have got to decide the question in the next +year or two. Shall I give up my mahogany desk for a gas range? Shall +I forfeit my fat pay envelope for a job where I shall have to toil +ten times as hard for only my board and clothes? Shall I give up the +occupation for which I spent years in preparing myself, for which I +have talent and which is a joy for me to perform, for domestic service +which I loathe, for which I have no aptitude and in which I am utterly +unskilled? + +“When I see my sister shabby, bedraggled, overworked, with her crying +babies and grouchy husband I feel like clinging to my good, soft, easy +office position with both hands. Then rises that specter of the future +in my pathway, and I wonder if in staying single I will miss the best +that life has to give to a woman, and if I will regret it if I refuse +to follow the traditional career of my sex. + +“Of course, I know that there are women who try to have their cake, +and eat it, too; who grab matrimony with one hand, and hold on to +their jobs with the other, but my observation is that they always +fall between the stools. They are failures both as business women and +as wives and mothers, for to succeed in anything you have to give +everything that is in you to it. + +“No woman is of much use in an office when nine-tenths of her brain and +all of her interest are back home in a cradle and she is worrying over +whether a hired nurse is giving the baby its milk. Nor can any woman +who comes back home at night, with a worn-out body and jangled nerves, +be anybody’s ideal of a wife and mother. + +“So as far as I am concerned I have to decide the question which I am +going to be, a business woman or a domestic woman, before I take the +fatal step, and for the life of me I can’t make up my mind which to do. +To marry or not to marry, that is the problem that I am acquiring gray +hairs and wrinkles debating. + +“Of course, if a fairy prince should come along and say, ‘Come and be +my queen, and ride beside me in my limousine and tour the world with me +on my yacht,’ I should doff my Cinderella working suit and put on my +glass slippers, and step out with him. + +“But it is only in novels that millionaires espouse poor working girls. +The men who come a-courting me are just ordinary young chaps on small +salaries, whose wives will have to do their own cooking, and wear +hand-me-downs. + +“Nor would there be any difficulty in settling the question if I had an +overwhelming passion for some man. Then I would cry, ‘All for love and +my job well lost!’ and a two-by-four flat would look better to me than +to be president of the greatest corporation in the world. But I am not +really in love. I have merely an affection for a certain chap that I +might possibly cultivate into a warmer emotion if I decided that it was +better, after all, to marry. + +“But it is cruel, isn’t it, that a woman has to choose between marriage +and her career? When a man marries he merely annexes a home and wife +and children to the pleasures and interests of his work, but a woman +has to sacrifice one or the other. And I don’t know which one to +choose.” + +“And whichever way you decide, you will be apt to regret it,” I replied +consolingly. + + + + +XXIII + +WOMAN’S GREATEST GIFT + + +A man told me the other day that he had not married until he was +forty-five years old because he was determined not to marry any woman +who did not have a sense of humor, and it took him that long to find +one. + +A wise man! A very Solomon among men! May his tribe increase! It is a +million times more important for a woman to have a well-developed funny +bone than it is for her to have a Grecian profile, yet when men go to +marry they pick out a girl for a wife because she has melting black +eyes, or soulful blue eyes, without ever once observing whether the +said eyes look on the funny side of life or take a dark, pessimistic, +bilious view of it. Which is one of the reasons that domestic life is +no merry jest to the average husband. + +A sense of humor is desirable in a man, but it is absolutely essential +for a woman to have a sense of humor if she is to be an agreeable life +partner, because a woman’s existence is made up of little, nagging +things, at which she must either laugh or cry, and if she can’t laugh +them off, they get on her nerves, and she goes to pieces. + +It is the neurotic, haggard women, who can’t see a joke even after it +is diagrammed for them, who fill the insane asylums and the sanitariums +and divorce courts. The women who wear the smile that won’t come off, +and whose laughter is set on a hair trigger, get to be fair, fat and +forty, and you couldn’t pry their husbands away from them with a +crowbar. It is the lack of a sense of humor that causes women to make +tragedies instead of comedies out of trifles. + +Take the servant trouble, for instance. Women worry themselves sick +over the mistakes of a green maid, and it never occurs to them that the +very blunders that they are shedding tears over are screamingly funny +contretemps that they pay out money to see imitated in a sketch on the +vaudeville stage. + +Of course, no one wants the soup to be seasoned with sugar instead of +salt, nor the waste-paper basket to be put on the mantel as a parlor +ornament as a perpetual thing, but the mistress who can get a laugh +instead of a sick headache out of the mistakes of her Norah or Dinah, +fresh from Ireland or the cotton fields, saves her own face and that of +the maid whom she later trains into being a good servant. + +Moreover, a woman with a sense of humor can take the curse off of even +bad cooking, for there is not one of us who would not rather sit +down to a boiled dinner with a jolly woman, full of good stories and +anecdotes, than to attend a banquet where the hostess is gloomy and +peevish and whiny, and who frets with her children and spats with her +husband. + +Whether a woman makes a success or failure of matrimony depends +altogether on whether she has a sense of humor or not. If she can +see her husband as one of the most mirth-provoking, side-splitting, +uproarious human jokes that nature ever perpetrated she will be happy, +and he will bless heaven on his knees for having given him the paragon +of wives. But if she sees him as an Awful Problem, or a subject for +reformation, neither one of them will ever know a happy hour, and the +marriage will either end in a divorce court or a long endurance contest. + +The women who wreck marriages are the ones who take their husbands +seriously, and who get tragic every time their husbands look at another +woman, or play a little poker, or fail to come home at the appointed +hour, and who weep when their husbands forget an anniversary, or fail +in some little attention they consider their due. The women who keep +their husbands enslaved from the altar to the grave are the women who +laugh with their husband over their little faults and peculiarities. +They make a joke of their husband’s weakness for a pretty face; they +have a dozen funny stories to tell about how they helped their husbands +out of scrapes, and, instead of feeling ill-used and assuming the pose +of a domestic martyr when their husbands forget their birthdays, they +go out and buy themselves a particularly nice present, which they pay +for without a murmur because they know that a wife with a sense of +humor is worth anything she costs. + +A sense of humor is even more necessary to a mother than it is to a +wife. The humorless woman takes her children too tragically. They wear +her out, and she alienates them from her by her ceaseless nagging +because she thinks that every little foolish thing they do is full of +direful significance. The mother with a sense of humor knows that youth +is as subject to certain follies as it is to the mumps and the measles +and the whooping cough, and that it must go through these experiences, +as it did through the cycle of infantile diseases, but that they are +not fatal if they are carefully watched. + +She may not approve of all the manifestations of flapperism and +jellybeanitis, but she knows that the remedy for them is laughter and +not tears, and so she keeps her young ones in bounds with good-natured +ridicule. Nor does she break her heart with dismal forebodings about +the terrible fate that is bound to overtake boys and girls who do +not dress and act as did their grandparents. She has seen too many +silly young people develop into fine men and women to borrow trouble +worrying over what is going to become of the race. + +In its last analysis, a sense of humor is just the sense of proportion +that enables us to see things in their true relation to life. It is the +thing that keeps us from making mountains out of molehills, and that +gives us the courage to smile instead of cry. Happy the woman who has +this gift, and thrice happy the man who gets her for a wife. + + + + +XXIV + +GRAFTING ON THE OLD FOLKS + + +It is a curious thing, in a way it is a beautiful thing, and it’s a +selfish thing, that children rarely ever think of their parents as +human beings. Children think of their fathers and mothers as the source +whence all blessings flow or they think of them as an avenging justice. +But it seldom occurs to them that their parents are men and women, in +addition to being parents; that they have the same preferences and long +for the same pleasures as other people, and that they have a few rights +that even their children should respect. + +Of course, a small child unquestionably takes for granted all that +its parents give and do for it. It is merely the order of nature that +Mother should appear at its bed with the cup of water for which it +cries out in the night; that Mother should clean up the dirt it brings +into the house and spend hours over the stove cooking the things it +likes to eat; and that Father should work while it plays and go shabby +to give it fine clothes. + +As they grow up, children continue to demand more and more of their +parents. They bleed Father and Mother white for the things they want. +They are not intentionally cruel, but they will take the last dollar +they can wring out of the family purse without ever once thinking that +Father and Mother might like to spend some of the money they earn +on themselves and in gratifying their own desires. And, curiously +enough, even after they have grown to man’s and woman’s estate, the +great majority of people still hold to this point of view about their +parents. In regulating their lives, they do not take their parents’ +rights into consideration. They do not say, “My father and mother have +sacrificed enough for me; they have done enough for me. Now I will +stand on my own feet, and be as little a burden as possible to them.” + +Of course, the most flagrant illustration of this is found in the +loafer sons and daughters who let their old parents work and support +them. We all know husky, able-bodied young men who play golf while +Father slaves in an office, and strapping big girls who perform on the +piano while Mother is performing on the gas range. Apparently, it never +crosses the mind of these despicable young people that after they are +old enough to support themselves they have no right to sponge upon +their parents, and graft their living off them. Still less do they ever +think that Mother and Father would like to take things easier as they +grow older, and indulge in a few of the luxuries they have had to deny +themselves while they were raising and educating their children. + +Another illustration of how little children regard the rights of their +parents you may see in the nonchalance with which young mothers turn +over their children to their own mothers. When Sally wants to go to a +bridge luncheon or Maud wants to take a trip, they dump the children +down on Mother. When Clarabell wants to go to Europe for the summer, +she doesn’t worry at all as to what to do with the children. She leaves +them, with a thousand instructions as to diet and clothes, and manners +and morals, with Mother. So that in innumerable families Mother becomes +nothing but a sort of universal nursemaid. + +It would shock these daughters to be told what a mean, selfish thing +they do in not standing by and doing their own baby tending as Mother +did hers. They, themselves, know what it is to walk the colic—what +broken nights mean, how incessant must be the care given little +children—how nerve-racking children’s noise is. Yet they foist this +burden on Mother without a pang of compunction because they are so used +to seeing her doing everything for them. + +It never occurs to them that she would like to fold her hands in a +little peace and rest; furthermore, that she has earned it by bringing +up one family, and her daughters haven’t any right to make her +substitute on raising another one. + +Then there are the children who lay their matrimonial burdens on their +parents. John gets married before he is earning enough to support a +family. Susie marries a ne’er-do-well, in spite of all efforts to +prevent it. Fanny discovers that the man to whom she is married is not +her soul mate, and gets a divorce, and comes back home with two or +three children. None of these selfish young people, bent on gratifying +their own desires, considers Father’s and Mother’s rights in the +matter, yet the parents, in the end, are the real sacrifices. + +They can’t let John and his wife and children starve, and so the money +that Father and Mother had saved up for their old age goes in pittances +to help him along. They can’t shut the door in Fanny’s face when she +comes back with her divorce and her half-orphaned children, so Father +works harder, and Mother pinches and economizes more to raise and +educate this second family that their children have thrown upon them. +Surely there is no other thing that children need to realize so much as +that their parents have some rights. Perhaps if they understood this, +and that after a man and a woman have raised a family of children they +have a right to peace and quiet and their own money, there would be +fewer parasitic sons and daughters. + +Perhaps, if they realized that parents had rights, more young people +would consider how their marriages would react on their parents, and +many a disgruntled wife would carry on with a marriage that wasn’t +perfectly congenial rather than burden her old parents with her own and +her children’s support. + + + + +XXV + +ARE YOU A GOOD FATHER? + + +Are you a good father to your daughter, Mr. Man? You smile derisively +at my question. A good father to your little girl? You’ll tell the +world you are! Why, she is just the very core of your heart, and there +hasn’t been a blessed thing that she has wanted since the day she was +born that you haven’t given her. Why, you have almost broken your neck +trying to get the moon for her when she cried for it. Pretty dresses, +fashionable schools, good times, her own car, far more luxuries than +you could afford her, you have lavished upon her without stint. You +have kept her wrapped in cotton wool, and she has never known there was +such a thing as work or responsibility or self-denial in the world. You +may have failed in many other directions in doing your full duty, but +you can pat yourself on the back and thank God that you have been a +good father! + +Well, let me tell you that if all you have done for your daughter is +just to pamper her and spoil her and make her weak and selfish and +self-centered, you have not been a good father. You have been the +worst sort of father. You have never looked upon your daughter as +anything but a pretty doll to dress up and play with, and dolls cannot +take care of themselves in the rough-and-tumble fight of life. Sooner +or later they are apt to get broken. + +Let me tell you what I consider a good father. A good father is a man +who doesn’t look upon his daughter as a toy or a piece of bric-a-brac, +but as a human being who has been born with the heavy handicap of the +feminine sex upon her. That means that she will always be less strong +than a boy, less capable of taking care of herself, in far more danger. +Fewer opportunities will be open to her, and many more perils beset +her than would a boy. Therefore, she needs more protection. She needs +to be better trained to deal with the world. So the good father sees +to it that his girl gets the very best education that she will take. +Not the flubdub, fluffy ruffles sort, but a solid, practical education +that develops whatever gray matter she has got in her pretty little +head, that teaches her to think and reason and that gives her a solid +foundation on which to rear her house of life. + +Then the good father has his daughter taught some profession or trade +whereby she can earn a living, and he has her follow this occupation +for at least a year. He does this for many reasons. He does it because +he knows how easily money is lost, and he wants to know that his +daughter has in herself the skill and ability to make her own living +if she is ever thrown on her own resources. He does it because he knows +the knowledge that she can stand on her own feet and earn her own bread +and butter and cake, gives a girl a poise nothing else in the world +can give. He does it because the discipline of a business office, +the experience in handling money and an insight into the troubles +and problems of men are the best preparation any girl can have for +matrimony. + +A good father chums with his daughter. He begins being confidential +with her in her cradle, and this makes it natural that when she grows +up she should discuss with him the boys who come to see her, and that +father should be able to form her tastes and assiduously guide her in +her choice of a husband. Girls know nothing about men. It is impossible +that they should, but there is nothing about any young chap that father +can’t find out, and if he knew that this youth had a hectic past, or +that one drank, or the other one was a trifling ne’er-do-well, it would +be the simplest thing possible to prevent many an unhappy marriage +by making daughter see a suitor through the sophisticated eyes of a +worldly-wise man, instead of the romantic ones of a young girl. + +A good father tries to protect his daughter after he is dead. So, when +he makes his will he leaves her whatever money he has to bequeath her +tied up good and tight in a trust company so that she cannot touch +anything but the interest. He knows that every woman who has any +money is the foredoomed prey of get-rich-quick sharks and all of her +parasitic relatives. He has seen too many women sell their gilt-edge +bonds and invest the proceeds in wildcat stock that promised to pay +40 per cent and never paid a penny. He has seen too many women lend +their money without security to Deacon Jones, because he prayed so +beautifully, or to Uncle John, because they didn’t have the nerve to +say “No” to a member of the family. + +Above all, a good father leaves his daughter’s money in trust for her, +not only to save her money but to save her from friction with her +husband. He has seen many a man graft his wife’s fortune deliberately, +and he has seen many more good men, who were poor business men, bring +their wives to poverty. And he knows that it takes more backbone than +the average woman possesses to hold on to her money when the man +she loves is continually asking her for it. So father saves her the +necessity of any arguments on the subject. Are you doing these things +for your daughter, Mr. Man? Are you a good father? + + + + +XXVI + +THE MORAL MUSCLES OF YOUR CHILDREN + + +The most overdressed and overindulged children are those whose parents +were poor in their youth. The most undisciplined and uncontrolled +children are those whose parents were reared in strict and stern +households. When you see a little girl playing around in a befrilled +lace and embroidered dress and silk stockings, you do not need to be +told that at her age her mother wore gingham and went barefooted. When +you see a young boy splitting the road open in an imported car you +know that when his father was a lad he trudged on foot to the factory +with his dinner pail on his arm. When you see ill-mannered young +people who smoke and drink and carouse and recognize no law but their +own pleasure; who run roughshod over the rights of others; who have +no respect for age, and who either patronize their parents or treat +them with contempt, you know that they are the offspring of fathers +and mothers who were given few privileges when they were young and who +were coerced by determined and strong-handed parents into walking the +straight and narrow path. + +Nothing is more common than to hear people say, “I don’t want my +children to be denied things as I was in my childhood”; “I don’t want +my children to have to work as I did when I was a child”; “I don’t want +my children to be suppressed and tyrannized over as I was when I was +young.” + +Indeed, so common is this feeling that sometimes it seems that the +present generation is being brought up by the rule of contraries, and +that the only fixed idea that many parents have is to rear their sons +and daughters exactly opposite from the way they were reared; to give +them everything they didn’t have and to let them do everything they +were not permitted to do. + +There is something very pathetic in this. It speaks so eloquently of +the ungratified cravings of childhood, of the weariness of little hands +that never knew any playtime; of the thwarted desires for pleasure +at the time of life when one is mad for amusement, and it is easy to +understand why parents whose own childhood was stinted and dull should +want to lap their children in luxury and give them all the fun they +missed. But in trying to save their children the hardships they have +gone through, they are also cutting their sons and daughters off from +the experiences that make such men and women as they are themselves—the +kind of men and women who rise from poverty to fortune and from +obscurity to fame. For it is not in the lap of ease that successes +are made. It takes struggle and self-denial and discipline to form +character. + +That is why we have the proverb that it is three generations from shirt +sleeves to shirt sleeves. The poor man by energy and industry piles +up a fortune, but because he has had to work and save in his youth he +teaches his children to be idlers and wasters and spenders, and they +run through their fortune and their children must go to work again at +the bottom of the wheel. Probably the children of the self-made man +have naturally just as much ability as he has, but they nearly always +amount to nothing, because their foolish father has denied them all +the advantages he had when he was young and he has enervated them with +indulgences. + +People who have been brought up in puritanic homes almost invariably +let their children run wild. They put no restraints upon them. They +demand nothing of them. They resent the lack of liberty they had in +their youth, and so they give their children license. They do not seem +to realize that the system at which they rail made good citizens, +instead of the hoodlums which they are turning out. They do not reflect +that they owe their health and strength to clean living; that because +they were made to do things they formed habits of industry; that +because they were made to do hard things just because it was a duty to +do them they developed the grit which keeps men and women from being +quitters; that because they were taught obedience and self-control they +became captains of their own souls and masters of their fate, instead +of being the playthings of their passions and emotions. + +They must know, if they stop to think at all, how much better fitted +they were to meet life, how much more secure they were of happiness +than are their children, who have never been taught to do anything +they do not want to do, or to deny themselves the gratification of any +appetite or desire. + +For life doesn’t change. The world does not alter and no matter how +much we would like to soft-pad existence for our children and stand +between them and every hardship and sorrow, we cannot do it. At the +last, in one way or another, they must come to grips with fate, and +when they do the weak and dissolute will perish. The spendthrifts will +come to want. The self-seekers will have their hearts broken. + +Of course, it is a great temptation for parents to lavish upon their +children everything that money will buy, and it is much easier to give +strong-willed youngsters their heads and let them go their own gait +than it is to hold them in check, but that way destruction lies for +the child. And this is something that parents, who are denying their +children the struggle of life that made them what they are, might well +reflect upon. + + + + +XXVII + +THE MOTHER-IN-LAW + + +Undoubtedly there is no other thing over which so many tears are shed +and which is such a potent source of discord and misery as in-laws. +Innumerable young women have the happiness of their youth wrecked by +their quarrels with their mothers-in-law. Innumerable old women have +their last days made bitter to them by the knowledge that they are +unwelcome guests in their sons’ houses and that their daughters-in-law +hate them. Innumerable men are made miserable by being torn between +the two women they love, who fight over them like dogs over a bone. +Discussing this subject the other day, a woman who is a mother-in-law +said: + +“Like everything else, the mother-in-law question is a fifty-fifty +proposition, and when they don’t get along together both are to blame. +Certainly it isn’t an easy thing for a woman who has run her own +house and been at the head of everything to take a back seat in her +daughter-in-law’s home. And it isn’t easy to forget that your children +are your children and to keep hands off in their affairs and treat +them with the formality you would strangers. + +“On the other hand, most daughters-in-law meet their mothers-in-law +with a chip on their shoulders and are always hunting for trouble. They +seem to feel that when a man marries he should forget the mother who +bore him and wipe out the memory of all the years of close association +that there has been between them. They are even jealous of the +slightest attention and consideration that their husbands show their +mothers. + +“They seem to forget that if it wasn’t for these much-resented +mothers-in-law they wouldn’t have any husbands at all, and that the +better husbands they have the more they owe to their mothers-in-law. + +“For if a man is tender, and kind, and generous, and considerate to +his wife, it is because his mother has taught him to be chivalrous to +women. She has trained him to be a good husband just as she has trained +him to be a good citizen, and he honors and respects his wife because +he so greatly honors and respects his mother. + +“You never saw a bad son who was a good husband. You never hear of a +man who abused and cursed his mother, and regarded her as only a slave +to wait upon him, who didn’t treat his wife the same way. And so we +mothers who raise up clean, straight sons, who enter into marriage with +high ideals and a determination to cherish their wives and make them +happy, have done the girls who get them such a service as they could +not repay if they were down on their knees before us the balance of +their days. + +“But if any daughter-in-law has ever lifted her voice in thanks to her +mother-in-law for teaching her son to be unselfish, or to be generous +with money, or to pay her the little attentions that women love, I have +never heard of it. + +“And there is another queer thing about daughters-in-law. They seem to +think that marriage should obliterate a man’s past and break all the +ties of his life. + +“He and his mother may have been the closest of companions; he may have +asked her advice on every subject and talked over all of his plans with +her, but woe be unto all concerned if he tries that after he takes a +wife. + +“Ninety-nine times out of a hundred the wife grows green-eyed and +considers it rank treachery to her, and for the sake of peace mother +and son have to forego the little talks that were such a joy to them +both or else do this stealthily and hold a stolen rendezvous. + +“Yet it does look as if any woman who wasn’t a moron would have sense +enough to see that any man who could forget his mother and all he owed +to her would be such a disloyal creature that he would forget his wife +when some younger and fairer woman came along. + +“Of course, the chief charge that our daughters-in-law have against us +is that we are always meddling in their affairs. Perhaps we do, but +aren’t our children’s affairs our affairs too? Hasn’t the mother who +has raised her son to manhood and who has made him strong and capable +of earning a fine salary a right to say something when she sees his +hard-earned money being wasted, his home neglected and his health +ruined by bad cooking? + +“If a mother saw her own daughter treating her husband that way, she +would rebuke her and show her where she was making a fatal mistake, and +the daughter would not resent it. Why can’t a daughter-in-law take the +same advice and profit by it, instead of flying at the throat of the +mother-in-law and considering herself a martyr to mother-in-lawism? + +“Of course, there are exceptions to all rules. I know daughters-in-law +who are real daughters to their husbands’ mothers. I even know +daughters-in-law who have borne with angelic patience cranky women +who could not even get along with their own daughters. And I know +mothers-in-law whose presence is like a benediction in a house and +others who are firebrands wherever they go. So perhaps there is no +way to settle the question so long as we are all human and not female +saints. But God pity the mother who is obliged to live with her +children, no matter how kind they may be! She is always the fifth +wheel, and feels it. Perhaps those savages who kill off all the old +people haven’t such a bad plan of disposing of the question, after +all.” + + + + +XXVIII + +WHY OUR FAMILIES RILE US + + +A woman wants to know why it is that we find it harder to get along +with our families than we do with other people, and why our own +blood-and-kin rile us more than anybody else on earth. Probably the +main reason why we find it so difficult to live in peace and harmony +with those who are really near and dear to us is because we are too +much alike. We have inherited the same traits of character, and when +these come in collision there is a resounding crash, and the noise of +wrecked tempers and exploding wrath. + +Father, an iron-willed, tyrannical gentleman, who has ruled his little +world like a despot, cannot get along with John, who is of the same +fiber, and equally determined to have his own way and do as he pleases. +Father and John may have a very sincere affection for each other and +admire each other’s good qualities, but they can never be together an +hour without getting into a fight over something. + +Mother is a born manager, one of the ladies who honestly believe, +with the famous Frenchman, that she could have saved the Almighty +from making some mortifying mistakes if she had been consulted at the +creation. Mary is mother’s own daughter in her perfect belief that she +knows exactly how to run the universe. What wonder, then, that they +clash over every gown and hat that is bought; over every man that comes +to see Mary; over everywhere that Mary goes? + +Sometimes the reason that we can’t get along with our own people +is because we are so entirely different from them. Often and often +children are changelings, and those of our own flesh have no tie of +spiritual kinship with us. The father who is a hard-headed, practical +business man has nothing in common with the son who is a quivering +bunch of nerves and sensibilities; who is a dreamer of dreams, and who +counts wealth in terms of beauty, instead of dollars. Mother, who was +a beauty and a belle in her day, with scores of lovers sighing at her +feet, has looked forward to reliving her triumphs in her daughter. And +when daughter grows up to be a big, sturdy young person who wants to +go into business and who loathes society, what wonder that they get on +each other’s nerves? + +When you hear parents speak bitterly of what a disappointment children +are, and how ungrateful, it merely means that their children are +different from them. John insists on being a doctor or a lawyer instead +of going into the hardware business father has been building up for +him for twenty years. Mary wants to marry a poor young man, instead of +the nice, settled, rich widower mother has picked out for her. Other +people find John brilliant and talented. Father calls him a fool to his +face because he won’t do father’s way. Other women are sympathetic with +Mary’s romance, and her willingness to sacrifice riches for love. It +infuriates mother to see her throwing an establishment and pearls and a +limousine away, for a sentiment. + +Often the reason we cannot get along with our own families is because +they are like a mirror in which we see our own faults in all their +hideousness. Father’s lack of ambition that has kept him from making +anything of his life; mother’s shiftlessness and wastefulness that have +kept the family poor; brother’s brutal temper; sister’s sharp tongue +that cuts like a two-edge sword—these irritate us, and we find them +harder to forgive than we would such defects in other people because we +know that we are, ourselves, prone to just these weaknesses. + +Besides these fundamental reasons why it is hard to get along with our +relatives, there are a thousand minor causes of discord. One of the +principal ones is the lack of politeness in the family circle, for most +people feel that good manners are like good clothes, and should be worn +only for the benefit of company. It is an amazing but true thing that +practically the only people who ever say mean, insulting, wounding +things to us are those of our own household. + +Strangers listen to us with apparent interest, and laugh at our +jokes. Our friends compliment our new frocks and cars. If our casual +acquaintances do not like our taste or respect our judgment, they keep +silent about it. It is our families who stab our vanity to the quick +by yawning in our faces, and asking us if we are going to tell that +old story over again; who bluntly inform us that our new hat is ten +years too young for us, and that there is nothing so ridiculous as old +women trying to be flappers; who criticize the way we are raising our +children, and tell us the home truths we would rather die than hear. + +Still another reason why it is hard to get along with our families is +because it is generally held that the mere fact that you love people +gives you a perfect right to nag them. We speak of family ties as +binding. Binding is right, for in the average home no one can rise up +or sit down, eat or fast, go or come, without having to give an account +of why he or she did it or didn’t do it, and being advised to do it +some other way. + +It is for these, and a thousand other reasons, that we find it +difficult to get along with our families, and fly to those who do not +feel that they have a right to boss, correct, advise or otherwise +interfere with us in the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness. + + + + +XXIX + +OUR LIVES ARE WHAT WE MAKE THEM + + +You have been in factory towns where more or less benevolent +corporations have built rows upon rows of houses, each one as like +its neighbor as peas in a pod. But one house would have dirty, +grimy, unwashed windows, with old newspapers or rags stuffed in a +broken window pane. The yard would be filled with old cans and ashes +and refuse, and the place would look like a shack, unfit for human +habitation. + +The house next door would have bright and shining windows, with clean, +freshly starched muslin curtains and a gay red geranium in a pot +showing between them. Flowers would be blooming in the yard, and a +vine trained over the doorway, and the place would be a home, bright, +cheerful and attractive. Yet the two houses were exactly alike. The +only difference was in what the people in them made of them. + +One cook can take a cheap cut of meat and a handful of vegetables and +make of them a ragout, over which an epicure would smack his lips. +Another cook will take the same meat and vegetables and make of them +a watery stew, with neither flavor nor nutriment to it. It is the same +material, but the difference is in the cooks. + +That is the way it is all through life. There are a few fortunate +individuals who seem to be the darlings of the gods, and with whom Lady +Luck walks hand in hand. And there are also a few miserable ones who +appear to have been born double-crossed by fate. But the great majority +of us get a pretty even deal. We have the same family relationships. +We go to the same schools. We have the same chance to work, and the +balance is up to us. We are happy or miserable, successful or failures, +rich or poor, according to what we make out of our lives. We marry, +millions of us. And set up homes. One out of every seven of the +marriages ends in divorce. More than three-fourths of the homes are +wrecked, not because there is anything especially wrong, not because +either husband or wife is an outbreaking criminal, but because they are +too ignorant or too selfish to make their marriage a success. + +All husbands and wives are cut off the same bolt of humanity. No man is +perfect. No woman is an angel. No domestic machine runs along without a +jar or a hitch. Every marriage calls for sacrifices, for patience, for +forgiveness, endurance, and you get out of it just what you put into +it—heaven or hell. + +You go to homes that simply irradiate peace and love and good +cheer, where there is a happy and contented man, and a smiling and +blissful woman: where there are fine children growing up in the right +atmosphere. And you go to another home that is a place of torment, +where a surly man snarls and snaps, and a disgruntled woman whines and +complains, and unruly, uncontrolled children fight like the Kilkenny +cats. + +Yet both of these families started out with the same equipment. Both +couples were in love when they were married. Both had about the same +amount of money. Both were called upon to make the same sacrifices. +Both had the same chances at happiness. Yet one made a success of +marriage, and the other failed. + +We talk about opportunity, and when we fail we lay the blame on luck. +We say we never had a chance. But the truth is that we are our own +luck, that we make our own opportunities. + +Did you ever think that every day in the year there are thousands of +green country boys going into every big city, seeking their fortunes, +and thousands of city boys leaving those same cities because they think +that everything is overcrowded and overdone, and that they have no +opportunity there? And many of those country boys will find the chance +the city boy overlooked, and pick up the fortune he passed by. + +The world is full of failures, croaking that there is no money in +farming or the mercantile business, and warning young men that they +will starve if they become lawyers, or doctors, or actors, or writers, +or artists. Yet there are rich farmers with bursting granaries. +Everywhere millionaire business men. There are world-famous lawyers and +doctors and matinée idols and men who write best sellers. + +And the successes are side by side with the failures, working in the +same environment, under the same conditions, and the only difference +is the difference in the men themselves. It is the difference in the +energy, the grit, the determination, the stick-at-iveness, the heart +and soul and brains that one man put into his work and the other +didn’t. Whether we are happy or not depends upon ourselves, for in +reality we all have pretty much the same raw material with which to +work. + +Sickness, suffering, the death of those we love, disappointment, +come to us all. The poorest woman alive and the millionairess bear +their children in the same agony, and weep the same tears over little +coffins. Money does not buy love, tenderness, nor peace of mind, and +just as many hearts ache under silver brocade as under cotton. + +But we can hold our souls serene if we will. We can keep from fretting. +We can resolutely extract the sweet instead of the bitter out of life. +We can dwell on our blessings instead of our miseries, and we can +acquire a philosophy that will enable us to laugh instead of weep over +the misadventures that befall us. + +For our lives are what we make them. It is all up to us. + + + + +XXX + +HUSBAND LOSERS + + +Three divorced women were talking together the other day and one of +them said: + +“When we wives lose our husbands we always accuse some other woman of +having stolen them from us; and we cry out that our husbands are cruel +ingrates, who have taken the best years of our lives and then thrown +us aside like broken toys when we were no longer young and beautiful. +And we pose as blameless martyrs who are the pitiful victims of man’s +perfidy. + +“Of course, it saves our faces to be able to lay all the blame for our +wrecked homes on others, and it soothes our hurt vanity to be wept over +as a poor, innocent, deserted wife. But in the still watches of the +night, when we have it out with our own souls, there are mighty few of +us who can shrive our consciences and know that we are blameless. + +“Most of us know in our heart of hearts that if our husband’s love +died, we did our part in administering the lethal dose. We may have +done it through ignorance, through carelessness, through blundering +stupidity; we may have even done it with the best intentions in the +world and with the firm conviction that we were forcing down their +throats a remedy that would cure them of all the little ailments and +weakness of character from which they suffered. But the point is, we +did it. We were accessory to the crime, and we could have prevented it +if we had so wished. + +“Now, as you know, my husband forsook me for his secretary. I called +her a thief who had used her position to rob me of a husband and my +little children of their father, and I looked upon him with bitterness +and contempt, as a poor weakling who let an adventuress make him forget +his honor as a man and his duty to his wife and children. I called +Heaven to witness that I was innocent and that I had been a good, true, +virtuous woman, who had always done her duty to her family. It took me +a long time to see that, if my husband grew weary of me, I had made +him tired by my incessant nagging and fault finding; that if he ceased +to love me, it was because I was no longer lovable, and that the other +woman had not really stolen him from me. I had simply handed him over +to her on a silver salver. + +“You see, I was one of the wives who did not realize that it is easy +enough to get a husband, but the work comes in in keeping one. I +thought that after a woman was married she could let herself go, and +so I never bothered to keep myself dolled up at home, or to try to +make myself pleasant and agreeable. I went in negligee, both as to +clothes and manners. Any old rag was good enough to wear at home. Any +disagreeable topic was a suitable breakfast-table discussion, and I +felt perfectly free to quarrel with my husband, and criticize him, and +ridicule all of his little faults and idiosyncrasies. + +“I forgot that he went from a sloppy wife to an office where a trim, +perfectly groomed woman, younger and better looking than I, waited +for him. I forgot that he went from my nagging and fault finding to a +girl who was paid to agree with him and whose job depended largely on +her flattering him and telling him how wonderful and great he was. It +wouldn’t have been human for him not to constitute a daily comparison +between us, and it was inevitable that when he did, that I should lose +out. If I had kept my doors locked and my burglar alarms in working +order no one could have looted my home. And so I am just as responsible +for the wreck of it as are those who broke it up.” + +“My husband was a gay, pleasure-loving man,” said the second divorcee. +“He always wanted to be going somewhere. He loved to be in the thick +of crowds. He adored dancing, and restaurants, and the bright lights. +He loved fine clothes, and always wanted me to look like a fashion +plate. Now, I am a serious-minded woman and was brought up to take a +serious view of things, and I felt it my duty to cure my husband of +his frivolity by leading him up to what I considered the higher life. +I began by trying to wean him away from his old friends, on whom I +turned such a cold shoulder that they soon ceased coming to the house. +I lectured him about his extravagance and the way he threw away money, +and finally got possession of the family purse and doled out dimes to +him. I wouldn’t go out with him of an evening, and I rarely let him go +without a scene. At first he submitted, but he looked bored and sulky, +and then he broke out of jail, which was all his home had come to be to +him, and that was the beginning of the end. + +“For, of course, when I wouldn’t play with him he found some other +woman who would, and who wouldn’t wet-blanket every occasion by her +moral strictures or spoil every meal at a restaurant by looking at the +pay check. If I had been willing to flatter him, and jolly him, and +dance with him, and let him spend his money on me, he would never have +left me. But I wouldn’t do it, and my austerity got on his nerves. He +wanted a playmate instead of a censor, and so I feel that I am just as +much to blame as he was.” + +“I lost my husband through ambition,” said the third divorcee. “He +was an artist of great talent, and I was mad for him to win fame and +money, so I never let him rest. I prodded him on all the time. I was +forever a goad in his side, and so I became to him a sort of incarnate +conscience, a perpetual reminder of all the unpleasant duties of +life. He was temperamental, a child of impulse, and I became his +task-mistress, a slave driver to him. Finally he got to the place +where he could stand it no more, and he eloped with a young girl as +irresponsible as he was. She will never push him on to success as I +would have done, but she lets him follow every whim and she will hold +him, as I could have done if I had had intelligence enough to see that +you can’t make a work horse out of Pegasus.” + +“How much happiness we might save if only our wisdom did not come too +late,” sighed the first woman. + + + + +XXXI + +MARTHA OR MARY? + + +Clever Mary—who, take it from me, knows her way about—was talking about +her friend, Martha, the other day. + +“Of course, Martha is the Perfect Housewife,” she said, “but she +is a mighty poor wife. Without doubt, she is a great and glorious +housekeeper and a cook and baker and cleaner. Never have I seen a +rumple in her curtains. Her bedspreads are like the driven snow. And +you could eat off her floors. Her house is so immaculate that her +husband must feel a perfect stranger in it, and like a bull in a china +shop. + +“But her days are so taken up with work that she has time for nothing +else—not a minute to read or to play, or to be a companion to her +husband. In fact, she is so worn out by the time night comes that she +is too tired to do anything but go to bed. + +“Her husband loves to read, but if he sits up late, the light annoys +her so much that she can’t sleep, so she says. So she nags him until +he gives it up in disgust. She, herself, never reads anything except +the advertisements of the department stores in the papers, and the +thrilling accounts of vacuum cleaners and patent breakfast foods in the +backs of the magazines. And when her husband tries to talk to her about +the things he is interested in—books, sports, his business—he had just +as well try to ring any other dumbbell. + +“Now, I do all my own housework, and I must be a fairly capable +housewife, for my mother-in-law has put her O.K. on me, and that +settles that. But there isn’t a spot in my house where we can’t park +ourselves at any time. My library table is filled with books and +magazines, and if husband drops ashes and scatters the Sunday papers +all over the place, I let him, and gently and painlessly remove them +after he has passed on. + +“I don’t really know anything about sports. I wouldn’t recognize a +home run if I met it on the street, but when hubby wants to talk about +baseball I assume an intelligent expression. And I am never too tired +to play with my husband. I grab my hat the minute he suggests the +movies. I can get ready to go anywhere in an hour. I just adjust my +complexion—Martha considers that a real vice—and we are off. + +“Martha can’t understand why my husband very rarely goes away from +home of an evening and almost never without me—while hers beats it +to the corner drug store as soon as he has eaten his superexcellent +dinner. And I just can’t make her see that it is because she puts her +house before him. She worships cleanliness and order, and sacrifices +everything to them. The first thing Martha knows, she is going to lose +her husband, and she will go around wailing and weeping and telling how +hard she worked and what a good housekeeper she was. She never will +know that she literally drove him away from her with a broom handle. + +“I told Martha the other day that if she would spend less time +polishing her mahogany and more time polishing her finger nails and +rubbing up her mind, it would be better for her. But she just smiled +that superior smile that a model housekeeper always bestows on the +woman whom she suspects of having dust on the back pantry shelf, and +made a dive for a basement sale of somebody’s patent cleaning fluid.” + +Mary is right. Cleanliness and order are two of the domestic virtues +that may easily be converted into vices. We all know spick and span +houses that are no more homes than a shiny tin box would be. Nobody +would dare disarrange a sofa cushion in one of them. Nobody would have +the courage to move a chair from its appointed place. To track a bit of +mud on one of the shining floors would be a high crime and misdemeanor. +To leave anything hanging around would be a sacrilege unspeakable. + +Husband and children flee these temples of order and cleanliness as +they would a torture chamber. And they live in dread and fear of the +woman who has worked herself cross and irritable attaining her ideal of +housewifery. Most of the real homes are places not too bright and good +for human nature’s daily use. They are places where you can take your +ease; places run on a flexible schedule and only reasonably clean and +orderly. + +Doubtless, the old lady who laid down the maxim, “Feed the brute,” as +a rule for retaining a husband’s affections said a wise mouthful to +women. But more is to be added, for man does not live by bread alone, +and it is just as important to feed his soul as his stomach. Every +woman who fails to give her husband good, nourishing food fails as a +wife, but she fails even more if she does not give him companionship. +For, after all, there is a good restaurant on every corner where a man +can satisfy his physical hunger, but none but his wife can minister to +his spiritual hunger. Foolish is the woman who doesn’t realize this and +who spends her time keeping her house clean instead of making it a home. + +But that is the trouble with matrimony. A woman can’t be either a +Martha or a Mary. To be a good wife she has got to be both. + + + + +XXXII + +THE T. B. M. AT HOME + + +A man wants to know if I don’t think his wife is very wrong and foolish +to be hurt and offended because he is often irritable and cross at +home. He says that she knows that he adores her, and that he is a model +of all the standardized domestic virtues, but that he works all day +under a terrific strain, and by the time night comes his nerves are +worn to a frazzle. He thinks that his wife should appreciate this, and +that instead of further rasping them with argumentation, she should +apply a soothing emolument to them. + +I agree with the gentleman that it is always the part of prudence for +a wife to give the soft answer that turneth away wrath, instead of +retorting with a snappy comeback when her husband makes a nasty crack +at her. It certainly doesn’t add to the peace and harmony of a home +for a wife to be ready to jump into her fighting clothes every time +her husband makes a pass at her. Nothing comes of family rows but +bitterness, and anger, and disillusion. Nor does any love long survive +them. + +I also agree with the gentleman that any woman who has cut her wisdom +teeth on matrimony should be able to assay her husband’s temper +and tell how much of it is due to raw nerves and how much to pure +cussedness, and so know when to spread the salve and when to hand him a +solar-plexus blow. Furthermore, I opine that a wife who starts anything +with her husband at evening until after he is fed and rested, and has +had his smoke and his paper unmolested, deserves to be put in the Home +for the Incurably Feeble-Minded for the balance of her natural life +or else bound over by the courts to keep the peace. For she is either +lacking in brains or just loves a fight for the fight’s sake. + +It is the greatest possible pity that women haven’t more sense of humor +than they have, for if they did they would be able to laugh at many +things their husbands do over which they shed scalding tears. It would +enable them to see how really funny it is for a big man to get into a +babyish tantrum over nothing and how much easier it is to kid him out +of it than it is to make a scene over it. Unhappily, however, few women +have a funny bone, and fewer still can see the joke when it is on them, +and so husbands and wives meet temper with temper and irritability with +irritability, and the domestic war goes merrily on. + +The mistake that most wives make is in taking their husbands too +seriously. They have heard so much about the mighty masculine +intellect that they think their husbands are profound, thoughtful human +beings who mean every word they say and whose every act is part of a +deeply considered plan of life. Whereas the truth is that men babble +just as meaninglessly as women do, and are the creatures of impulse. +Also, women are under the misapprehension that they have a monopoly on +nerves, and that hysterics are the sole prerogative of the feminine sex. + +These beliefs make women attach a significance to the things that men +say and do to which they are not entitled; and it makes them “get their +husbands wrong” and break their hearts over crimes that the poor, +blundering men do not even know that they are committing. + +In consequence whereof the wife’s feelings are in a constant state of +laceration, and she meets each hard knock with a still harder one, or +else goes off and salts her wounds down in the brine of her tears. + +Now, no one will argue that a human cyclone is a pleasant companion +to live with, nor would any sane woman pick out a man who is giving +a life-like imitation of the Day of Wrath with whom to spend her +evenings. But, all the same, women make themselves unnecessarily +miserable by taking their husbands’ humors too seriously. + +The cruel speeches that stab the wife to the soul are not prompted by +malice toward her. They are the reaction of nerves that have been +frazzled to the breaking point by the worries of the day at the office. +The frozen silence which the wife finds it so hard to endure is just +sheer exhaustion of mind and body, and the woman who can just take her +husband’s moods this way can not only save herself many a tearfest, but +can make her husband eat out of her hand by feeding him and laughing at +him and jollying him along. + +Certainly, the woman who is married to a nervous, overworked man might +well do a little mental balancing of accounts and check off a lot of +temper, and impatience, and unreason, and fault finding against the +finery he gives her, and the success he has achieved, of which she is +so proud and which he has literally bought with his life’s blood. She +might well forgive his faults and deal leniently with them, since they +are the direct result of his struggle to lap her in luxury. + +She is, believe me, a discerning and a tender wife who answers her +husband’s irascible speeches with a pat on the head and a “there, +there, it’s all right,” as she would a sick and fretful child, instead +of going to the mat with him. + +So much for the wife’s side of the question. Now for the husband’s. + +Business furnishes no alibi for surliness, and grouchiness, and +general disagreeableness. No man has a right to come home at night +and dump down on his own hearthstone all the nerves, and temper, and +irritability he has kept bottled up in him all day. + +Because a woman has the misfortune to be a man’s wife is no reason he +should insult her and say to her things that he would not say to any +other woman who had an able-bodied brother, or that he would not dream +of saying to any woman who had $10 to spend across his counter, or who +was his client, or his patient. + +If a man can control his temper and his tongue in dealing with the +outside world, he can control it still at home. If he can be polite and +courteous and flattering to other women, he can make the same gracious +speeches to his wife, instead of growling like a bear when she asks +him a simple question. And if he has any sense of honor, he will be +the more careful of what he says to his wife than he is to the others, +because his attitude means nothing to them, but his wife’s whole +happiness is dependent on the way he treats her. + +Nor does the fact that he overworks excuse a man’s irritability at +home. Nine wives out of ten would rather have a little more amiability +from their husbands and less money, if they had to choose between the +two. The beloved husbands and wives are not those who work themselves +into a state of nervous irritability for their families. They are those +who keep themselves calm, and good natured, and pleasant to live with. + +To expect other people to overlook our temper and forgive the cross +and cruel speeches that we flash out at them without provocation is +demanding too much of human nature. + + + + +XXXIII + +DON’T BE AFRAID TO LET YOUR HUSBAND SEE YOU LOVE HIM + + +A woman asks this question: “Is it wise for a wife who loves her +husband devotedly to let him see how dear he is to her? Does the +knowledge that her heart is his for keeps make him undervalue it? Does +she best keep his interest in her alive by keeping him on the anxious +seat? After all, a husband is still a man, and we know that before +marriage the more difficult a woman is to win the more a man chases +her; and the more a woman throws herself at a man’s head the more +adroitly he dodges her. So the question is, Does this same state of +affairs continue after marriage? Do men want their wives to blow hot +and cold, as they do their sweethearts, or do they desire them to be a +good, steady, reliable fire on the hearthstone?” + +A man’s attitude toward love undergoes a complete change on his wedding +day. During his courtship, the thing that has been of more importance +to him than anything else in the world has been the state of mind +of his lady love. It has been a wonderful, sentimental adventure +following all her moods and tenses, and plumbing the depths of her +emotions. It has roused his sporting blood for her to be coy and +difficult. Taking her away from his rivals was a game of fascinating +intrigue, and he thrilled with the sense of being a conquering hero +when she finally surrendered to him. + +But marriage is another pair of sleeves. It is a different +story altogether. A man marries to end romance, not to have it +to-be-continued-in-our-next serial that will run on the balance of his +life. He wants to be done with doubts, and fears, and heart burnings, +and speculation about the woman he loves, so that he will be free to +give his undivided attention to his business. + +Therefore the tactics that won a woman a husband do not serve to hold +him, and the wife who tries to pique her husband’s interest in her by +her flirtations with other men is more apt to land in the divorce court +than to strengthen her position in the domestic love nest. For men do +not wish to be kept guessing about their wives. They want to be sure +of them. The man who is married to a woman who plays around with other +men and who keeps him on the ragged edge of nervous prostration with +jealousies and suspicions does not think that he has drawn a capital +prize in the matrimonial lottery. On the contrary, he thinks that he +has been gold-bricked, and he is not crazy over his bargain. + +No woman need be afraid to let her husband know how much she loves him, +because her love makes the strongest claim she can possibly have upon +him. Many a man who has made an unsuitable marriage with a woman with +whom he had no real companionship; many a man who has outgrown the +woman he married in his youth, is kept faithful to her by the knowledge +of her devotion to him. It takes a brute to hurt the one who worships +you, or to leave the one whose whole life is bound up in you. + +Nor is there any charm of mind or person that appeals to a man so +much as just the certainty of a wife’s love and the sure knowledge +that if all the world turned against him, there is one who would +still be standing shoulder to shoulder with him; some one who would +go down to the gates of death with him, or wait outside of the prison +gates for him; some one whom neither disease nor poverty nor disgrace +would alienate from him. The coquettish woman who thinks to keep her +husband’s affection for her at fever heat by keeping him uncertain of +her has no such hold upon her man as has the wife whose husband’s heart +doth safely trust in her, sure that whatever else fails him in life, +her love will never fail. + +A wife need not be afraid to show her husband her love, because men +are just as heart hungry as women are. They crave affection and +appreciation just as much as women do, and they long just as much as +women do to be petted and fussed over. + +No complaint is more common from women than that their husbands stop +all love-making at the altar with a suddenness that jars the very +marrow of their bones. They say that the men to whom they are married +never seem to think that they long to be told that they are still loved +and admired, and that they have made good as wives. They yearn for a +kiss that is warm with passion, instead of a duty peck on the cheek +that has about as much flavor to it as a cold batter cake. + +But, apparently, it never occurs to these wives who are starving for +some sign of real living affection themselves that their husbands are +also on the bread line, mutely begging for a stray crumb of love. They +do not realize that a great big, husky, successful man could want to +be chucked under the chin, and babied, and told that he was the most +booful thing on earth, and that his wifeikins got down on her knees and +thanked God every night because she was lucky enough to get him, and +that every day, in every way, she loved him better and better. + +Yet there isn’t a man in the world that wouldn’t worship a wife who +handed him that line of chatter, and who wouldn’t walk mighty straight +and reverently before one who opened the doors of her heart and let +him see that he was enshrined therein. No. No wife need be afraid of +letting her husband know how much she worships him. For it is love that +makes the world go round, and that greases the wheels of matrimony. + + + + +XXXIV + +QUEER THINGS ABOUT MARRIAGE + + +Did you ever think how many queer things there are about marriage? To +begin with, isn’t it queer that we permit boys and girls to get married +at an age at which they are not permitted to make any other binding +contract? The law appoints guardians to look after the property of +minors, and prevent them from squandering it, or being cheated out of +it by sharpers, but there is no legal safeguard to save foolish girls +and boys from throwing away their life’s happiness on an ill-advised +marriage. + +At a time of life when we consider a lad’s judgment too immature for +him to make a thousand-dollar investment, we assume that he is worldly +wise enough to pick out a life mate. At an age when we think a girl’s +taste too unformed and too hectic to select her own clothes, we let her +choose a husband. + +Isn’t the casual attitude we take toward matrimony queer? + +Marriage is the most important act in our lives, the thing that not +only makes or mars us, but that affects thousands of people yet to be. +Compared with marriage, being born is a mere episode in our careers, +and dying a trivial incident. Yet there is no other thing that we do to +which we give as little intelligent, serious thought. + +If we were going into a business partnership to invest our entire +fortune, we would think a long time before we committed ourselves. We +would consider the proposition from every angle. We would look into its +weak spots and try to form an honest opinion of its chances of success. +And we would investigate the past record of the man we were proposing +to go into business with, and find out everything about him. + +We would ascertain what sort of a life he had led, how honest and +honorable he was, how much he was to be trusted, and what sort of a +disposition he had, whether he was pleasant to get along with or not. +Yet the worst harm that our business partner could do us would be +to cheat us out of our money. He couldn’t break our hearts and make +our lives miserable. If we didn’t like him, we could dissolve the +partnership without any trouble or disgrace. + +But nine times out of ten those who enter into the marriage contract, +which is the most binding contract of all, do not take the trouble to +make even the slightest investigation about the one with whom he or she +is making a life partnership. Every day we read of people who discover +that they are married to bigamists. Every day some husband stumbles +into his wife’s skeleton closet, and finds that the woman whom he +believed pure and innocent has a dark and sordid past. Every day some +agonized mother looks at her deformed or idiotic babe, and sees that +the sins of the father have been visited on her child. + +The man was handsome, and he danced well, and he had a dandy sport +model car. The girl was pretty, and she had a cute trick of looking +up through her lashes, or a baby stare, so they got married without +bothering to find out a single thing about the kind of life each +had led before they met. They wouldn’t have bought a house without +having had an expert see that its title was clear and that there +was no mortgage on it, but they will marry without finding out what +sort of encumbrances are on the lives of their husbands and wives. +They wouldn’t buy a horse or a dog without looking into its pedigree +and finding out what sort of stock it comes from, and whether it is +sound in wind and limb, but they will pass diseased blood on to their +children with no thought of the sort of heredity with which they are +cursing them. + +Isn’t it queer that men and women fail to consider the dispositions of +those they marry? Yet that is the thing that people have to live with, +and it is what makes marriage a success or a failure. It isn’t high +and noble principles; it isn’t truth and honor and honesty that makes +or mars a man’s or woman’s happiness in marriage. It is the temper of +their husbands or wives. A man may be a model of all the virtues, and +yet if he is stingy and grouchy and gloomy, his wife will be miserable +with him. A woman may be as chaste as Cæsar’s wife, yet if she nags, +her husband will rue the day he led her to the altar. + +All men and women know this, yet a girl will go along and marry a man +who even before marriage gets the sulks over every little thing that +goes wrong, with whom she has to always walk on eggs to avoid riling +him, and who carries his small change in a purse with a snap lock. And +a man will marry a thin, nervous, irritable girl, who is always getting +peeved about everything, and who never can say a thing and let it rest. +And they both wonder after marriage why marriage is a failure, and why +they can’t get along together. + +Isn’t it queer that people don’t pick out the kind of husbands and +wives that they want, and that will suit them? + +A man who is a student will marry a silly little girl who hasn’t two +ideas in her head to rub together. In the days of courtship it was +inevitable that he should take the measure of her brainlessness and +find out that when he talked to her of books that he spoke of an +unexplored world to her, and that when he discussed the things in which +he was interested she yawned in his face. Nor could he help perceiving +that her chatter was the chatter of a magpie, and the things in which +she delighted were things that bored him stiff. + +His common sense shrieked to him that marriage between two people who +had not one single idea, nor an ideal, nor a thought, nor a desire, in +common was bound to be a failure. But the man, wise and sophisticated +in other things, but clinging blindly to his superstitious belief in +the potency of the marriage ceremony, refused to heed the warning. + +Somehow, he was confident that just getting married would change a +silly, ignorant girl into an intellectual woman who would be a fit +companion to him; miraculously render one who had never even read a +sixth best-seller familiar with the world’s best literature, and make +her prefer to discuss world topics to gossip about the people next door. + +We wonder why poor men marry fashion-plates; why men who love to eat, +marry girls who loathe the kitchen; why quiet, domestic men marry +girls who live to dance and go to cabarets. They are all poor, blind +heathen, trusting in the marriage ceremony to make an extravagant girl +economical, a frivolous girl serious, an undomestic girl domestic. + +Isn’t it queer? Not only do we superstitiously believe in the power of +the marriage ceremony to change other people, but we actually think it +will change ourselves. + +The philanderer believes that he will never cast a roaming eye at +another woman as soon as he is married. The loafer believes that he +will be filled full of pep and energy by the mere fact of having a +wife to work for. The stingy, selfish man is confident that he will +enjoy spending money on his family. The girl who has never thought of +anything but dolling herself up and having a good time believes that +as soon as she is married she won’t care any more for fine clothes or +going about, and that she will be perfectly satisfied to stay at home +and save her husband’s money and cook him good things to eat. + +But alas! the miracle of the marriage ceremony no more works on us than +it does on those we marry. Long before the honeymoon has waned we make +the discovery that somehow the mysterious something that was to change +us didn’t take, and that we are the same old individuals, with the +same old tastes and desires that we always had. Then to so many comes +the cold, bitter knowledge that they are tied for life to one who is +utterly uncongenial, to one who bores them and gets upon their nerves. +And, queerest of all is it that no matter how unhappily people have +been married, when death or divorce sets them free, they nearly all +want to try matrimony over again! + + + + +XXXV + +HUSBANDS—THE LIVING CONUNDRUM + + +A woman writes me that she has been married to a man for sixteen years, +yet she has never got acquainted with him. She says he is good and +kind, but indifferent to her. He never finds fault with her and never +praises her. He spends his evenings at home by his own fireside, but a +mummy would be just about as conversational. All of this has got the +woman guessing, and she can’t figure out whether her husband still +cares for her or not, or whether he regards his marriage as a success +or a failure. + +Good gracious, sister, don’t imagine for an instant that you have +anything unique in the way of a husband! All men are full of curious +peculiarities, and no woman ever gets acquainted with one, no matter +whether she has been married to him for sixteen years or sixty. For, as +an old colored friend of mine says: “Husbands is the most undiscovered +nation of people there is.” + +No woman ever understands, for instance, why it is that a man who was +an ardent and impetuous wooer turns into a husband with about as much +sentiment and pep to him as a cold buckwheat cake, as soon as the +marriage ceremony is said over him. Nor can she form any idea of why +the man who was willing to risk his life to get her takes so little +interest in her after he has got her. She cannot doubt that he loved +her, because he gave great and indisputable proof of that by assuming +her support for life. Nor can she see any reason for his change of +attitude. She still carries the same line of bait with which she caught +him. She still has the same eyes that he likened to violets drenched +in dew, but he doesn’t notice them. She still has the same white hands +that he used to hold by the hour, but if she wants anybody to hold them +now she has to hunt up some man to whom she is not married. No woman +can ever understand why a man doesn’t put forth the same effort to make +his home a going concern as he does to make his business or profession +a success. + +If every man tried to sell himself to his wife as he does to his +employer, or a big customer, or a valuable client, there would be no +disgruntled, dissatisfied married women in the world. If every man +studied his wife’s peculiarities of disposition; if he played on her +weaknesses as deftly and handled her as tactfully as he does a merchant +who is about to place a big order, or a rich patient, every wife in the +land would be eating out of her husband’s hand. If every man paid his +wife a fair wage for her services, as he does his stenographers and +clerks, it would take the heaviest curse off matrimony for millions of +wives. + +But, altho to have a contented wife and a peaceful and happy home means +more to a man than to make a million dollars, not one man in a hundred +ever gives any real serious thought or makes any honest effort to make +his marriage a success. He leaves the most important thing in his life +to chance, and he wins out or loses, according to whether fortune is +with him or not. Women never can understand why their husbands refuse +to handle them diplomatically, when it would be money in their pockets +to use the velvet glove instead of the strong-arm method. + +Every man knows that he can jolly his wife into doing anything, and +doing without anything. He knows that if he hands her a few cheap +compliments about what a wonderful manager she is and how she helps +him, she will squeeze every nickel. Every man knows that if he tells +his wife how beautiful and lovely she looks in her last year’s dress, +she wouldn’t trade it off for the latest Paris importation. Every man +knows that he can kiss his wife’s eyes shut until she will be blind as +a bat, and that he has only to give her a warm smack on the lips to +make her dumb as an oyster. + +And every wife knows that her husband knows these things about her, +because she has furnished him with a complete diagram about how to work +her. And she never knows whether to be mad at him or disgusted with +him, because he would rather fight with her and pay for it in having to +eat bad meals, and having his money wasted and buy her new frocks and +limousines and pearls, than to take the trouble to flatter her a little +and treat her the way she is begging to be treated. + +Most of all, women never can understand why their husbands are so +stingy with words, which surely are among the cheapest commodities on +earth. Above everything else, every wife yearns for words of love, for +words of praise from her husband. Just to have her husband pet her, to +have him say to her that she grows dearer and dearer to him every day, +and that he thanks God for giving her to him, pays any woman for all +the sacrifice, all the work, all the suffering that marriage brings +her. It makes her heart sing with joy, and the lack of it fills her +life with tears of despair. + +Every man knows this. Every man knows that he can make his wife happy +with just a few words, and yet he withholds them. Even the men who +really love their wives and appreciate all that their wives do for them +refuse to give the starving souls the words that would be the bread +of life to them. No. No wife ever gets acquainted with her husband. +Husbands always keep us guessing to the end of the chapter. Perhaps +that is why we all want one of these living conundrums. + + + + +XXXVI + +THE POWER OF SUGGESTION + + +Among my acquaintances is a woman who has a pretty little flapper +daughter. The girl is a good little girl, as playful and innocent as +a kitten. But she bobs her hair, and paints her face, and rouges her +lips, and likes to jazz, and joy-ride, and have a good time just as +thousands of other girls of her age and class are doing. All this +greatly outrages the mother, who tells her daughter that, in her day, +decent girls didn’t paint their faces, or shimmy, and that they stayed +at home evenings and read good books, instead of running around with +japanned-haired boys. And then she winds up her preachment by accusing +her daughter of doing things which she does not do, and prophesying +that she will come to a bad end. Of course, it is mother love and +mother anxiety that makes this woman keep continually before the girl’s +eyes the fate of those who follow the road of pleasure. It never enters +her head that she may be precipitating on her child the catastrophe she +dreads, but that is precisely what she is doing. + +She is making the girl feel that she is sophisticated and +worldly-wise—one of the wild, wild women. She is giving the flavor of +forbidden fruit to what would otherwise be harmless little amusements. +She is making the girl reckless, because she is making her believe that +she is under suspicion and is being talked about. Worst of all, she is +firmly implanting in the girl’s mind the idea that she is expected to +go wrong. + +And if anything in the world will put the skids under a girl, it is +for her own mother to be continually impressing upon her that she is a +wrong ’un. + +When you observe the dealings of parents with their children the thing +at which you wonder most is that fathers and mothers never seem to +realize the power of suggestion. Yet it is one of the most potent +forces in the world, and one that can be directed with almost uncanny +results to the molding and shaping of the characters of the young. +It is hardly too much to say that as the parents think, so are the +children. It is the fixed idea the parents stamp indelibly on the +plastic childish mind which determines the fate in life of the man or +woman. + +You can, for instance, take a delicate child and literally “think” it +into health or sickness. If the mother keeps the child forever reminded +it can’t do what other children do because of its poor heart, it can’t +eat this or that because of its bad digestion, and that it mustn’t +be crossed because it is so nervous,—that child will grow up into a +neurotic invalid. But if the mother impresses on it the thought that +it is getting well, and is going to be strong and healthy, unless there +is something radically organically wrong, it will overcome the weakness +with which it was seemingly threatened. + +All of us have seen people actually bring upon themselves diseases they +believed they had inherited. They had had it impressed on them from +their infancy that they were bound to die of consumption because all +the Smiths had tuberculosis. Or, that they were doomed to perish with +cancer, because cancer was in the Jones family. Or, to have rheumatism +because the Simkins were all rheumatic, and they died of what they +believed to be inherited diseases that science has proved not to be +inheritable. + +It is tragic to think how many parents have killed the children they +loved by putting the death thought upon them, and by making them +believe that they were doomed, and that there was no use in their +trying to be strong and well. It is still more tragic to think of the +millions of people who are failures in the world because their fathers +and mothers have sapped their courage, and slain their initiative by +implanting in their minds the conviction that they were dolts and had +not the ability to succeed. + +Once establish the inferiority complex in a child’s mind, and it is +done for. It accepts the belief that it has no ability to do things, +and it attempts nothing. It makes no struggle to rise. It slumps +into the humble position its parents have assigned it. This is why +perpetual fault-finding with a child intensifies its faults. To nag +Johnny continually about his awkwardness, makes him still more awkward. +To be forever calling attention to Tom’s shyness, makes him shrink +more and more out of sight. To fret at Bob’s dulness, makes him feel +that there is no hope for a boy who isn’t quick and alert. Many men +never have the courage to demand their just deserts and take the place +to which they are entitled in business and society because they were +made self-conscious in their childhood. They had it so impressed on +their minds that they were blundering louts, and stupid fools, that +they shrank within themselves, and never had the nerve to push their +fortunes. + +And just as you can make a child a failure by holding the thought of +its inferiority before it, you can do much to make it a success by +holding the thought of achievement before it. We unconsciously strive +to be what the people about us expect of us. If Jimmie knows that he +has a reputation for beautiful manners, he will act as a gentleman. If +Tom knows you expect him to make a mark at school or in business, he +will try to make good. If Mary knows you do not think it possible for +her to be anything but sweet and innocent, she is not likely to tarnish +your ideal. + +The power of suggestion is so far reaching in its influence that +fathers and mothers should be careful how they use it, and avoid +implanting a weak thought, an evil thought, a thought of failure in +their children’s minds as they would avoid giving them poison. + + + + +XXXVII + +WOMAN’S MISSIONARY OPPORTUNITY + + +As a sex women are highly altruistic. There is scarcely a movement in +the world for the uplift of humanity or for ameliorating the sorrows of +the poor and helpless that does not owe its existence to women. It is +women who support the orphan asylums, the homes for old men and women, +the reformatories, the houses for the blind, the places of refuge where +the man just out of prison can go and gather himself together before +starting out on a better life. It is women who nurse in hospitals, and +who carry on mainly the work of the Red Cross and the fight against +the great White Plague. Joan of Arc is the great feminine heroine. +The women that other women envy most are not the great beauties and +sirens of history, or the famous actors and writers, but the Florence +Nightingales and Frances Willards who have been able to do some great +service to their fellow creatures. And deep down in her secret heart, +if every woman was granted her one great wish, it would be to be able +to help her day and generation to make others happier, and to perform +some miracle that would make life easier for all who come after her. + +Well, little as she realizes it, that power is possessed by every woman +who has children. In her hands lies the remedy for the greatest sorrow +that tears at the hearts of men and women. She can wipe away half of +the tears of the world. She has the magic that can change innumerable +lives from misery to joy. For the greatest trouble in the world is +domestic trouble. The bitterest disappointment is a marriage that is +a failure. There is no place of torment so hard to endure as a home +of bickering and strife. No enemy can stab you to the heart as does a +cold, selfish, unkind husband or wife. + +It lies within the power of mothers to put an end to all this misery, +to stop divorce and the breaking up of homes, and the orphaning of +helpless little children. It is in their power to provide every man and +woman with a good husband and wife, to make every home a prosperous and +peaceful one, and to save other mothers from the agony of seeing their +children mistreated by the men and women to whom they are married. +There is no more appalling thought than that every woman could raise +her children up to be good husbands and wives, and that she does not do +it. On the contrary, nine times out of ten she brings up her sons and +daughters to be exactly the kind of husbands and wives from whom she +prays God on her knees to deliver her own precious darlings. + +Most likely the woman is herself the victim of another woman’s cruelty. +Her own marriage has been wretched because her husband’s mother never +taught him to treat women with any courtesy, or consideration, or +chivalry. He was never brought up to consider a woman’s feelings, or +even to extend to her common justice. As a result, his wife has had to +walk on eggs to keep from rousing a demoniacal temper. She has had to +wait on him hand and foot. She has had to wheedle every penny out of +him, and never since her wedding day has her husband made one move to +entertain or amuse her, or done anything to make her happy. + +It would seem that a woman who had been through the arid desert of such +a marriage would save some other poor girl from such a fate by raising +up her son to be a good husband. You would think that she would teach +him what a terrible crime it is to take a woman’s life into his hands +and break it; that she would teach him to be gentle and tender to his +wife; that she would impress upon him that a woman earns her share of +the family income, and that it should be given to her outright instead +of being doled out as alms. + +You would think that she would ground him, from his infancy up, in the +knowledge of all the little things that make a marriage a failure or +a success to a woman—the little attentions, the little treats, the +word of praise, the compliment on a new dress or hat, the little things +that make a woman’s heart sing with joy, and that makes marriage worth +while to her. The great majority of women, however, never even so much +as think of training their sons to be good husbands. Nor do they train +their daughters to be good wives. Very few mothers would be willing to +see their sons marry the kind of girls their daughters are. + +Mother has raised her daughters up to be selfish and spoiled and lazy +and extravagant, and she is ready to foist them without mercy on any +poor young fellows who are taken with their pretty faces. But Heaven +defend her own boys from marrying girls who have never considered any +other human being in the world but themselves, and whose only law is +their own pleasure! You even hear mothers boast that they have never +taught their daughters how to cook, or sew, or keep house, yet the +very foundation of domestic happiness and the prosperity of the family +depend upon the wife being a thrifty manager and making a comfortable +home. + +Nor do women instil into their daughters’ minds the truth about +marriage—that it is an obligation that they take upon themselves, and +that they have no right to throw it up and quit because it is full of +hardships and self-sacrifice instead of being the joy-ride they thought +it would be. Neither do mothers pass on to their daughters their own +hardly won knowledge of how to get along with a husband, how to bear +with him and forbear, how to jolly him and handle him with tact and +diplomacy, yet that precious bit of information would save many a +marriage. Believe me that the most important question that any mother +can ask herself is this: “Am I raising up my son and daughter to bless +or curse the woman and man who marry them?” + + + + +XXXVIII + +HOW TO BE A GOOD HUSBAND + + +A young man said to me the other day: “I am going to be married, and +I earnestly and honestly desire to make my wife happy, but beyond a +vague and rudimentary impression that I must not beat or starve her, I +haven’t an idea of how to go about the good-husband job. What should a +man do to keep a woman blessing her lucky stars that she married him, +instead of wondering what on earth the fool-killer was doing that she +survived her wedding day?” + +“Well, son,” I replied, “your theoretical ground work for being a good +husband is a sound foundation on which to build, tho refraining from +beating your wife is not the matter of course thing that you seem to +think it is. There will be plenty of times when you will want to do so, +and bitterly regret that no perfect gentleman can lay his hands upon +a woman save in the way of kindness, no matter how much she needs a +thrashing or he yearns to give her one. + +“While as for giving a wife sustenance and raiment, believe me, that +to be a good provider is one of the brightest jewels in the crown of +a good husband. No matter what other charms and virtues a man may +have, he is a poor makeshift of a husband if he cannot give his wife a +comfortable living. And, on the other hand, no man is a total failure +as a husband if he laps his wife in luxuries. Jewels, and motorcars, +and fine houses, and fine clothes are a consolation prize that takes +the curse off many a woman’s disappointment in marriage. + +“Having, then, accorded your wife considerate treatment and given her a +good home, the next step in being a good husband is to play fair with +her on the money question. Get off on the right foot there and you +will save yourself endless bickerings and prevent her from feeling a +bitterness toward you that will grow and grow until it will kill out +all of her affection for you. The first disillusion that many a bride +gets is when she finds out that the prince of her dreams is a tightwad, +who haggles with her over the market money and who is so stingy that +he never gives her a penny of her own. There isn’t a woman in the +world who is enough of a worm of the dust not to resent having to ask +her husband for the money she knows she earns as a housewife. So go +fifty-fifty with your wife on the money proposition. Give her as big an +allowance as you can afford and be decent enough not to ask her what +she does with it. + +“The next item in being a good husband is to be affectionate to your +wife. Don’t expect her to take it for granted that you still love her +because you haven’t applied for a divorce from her. You handed her a +fine and convincing line of love talk while you were courting her, and +there is no excuse for your cutting it off and becoming as dumb as an +oyster just as soon as you’ve got her. No normal woman can live without +love and be happy. It is just as necessary to her well-being as food +and drink, and if she is deprived of it she suffers all of the agonies +of soul starvation, which are worse than those of the body. When you +marry a woman you isolate her from the love-making of other men, and so +you are in honor bound to provide her with an ample supply of soft talk +yourself. + +“Therefore, make it a rule of your life to give your wife at least one +kiss every day that has in it some thrill of love and passion, and +that isn’t flavored with ham and eggs like the perfunctory peck on the +cheek or the back of the ear which is all most men hand their wives in +the osculation line. And, for heaven’s sake, don’t neglect to pay your +wife compliments. When she has on a new dress tell her how pretty she +looks and how becoming it is, instead of grunting or demanding to know +how much it costs. If you have eyes enough to see other women’s pretty +clothes and intelligence enough to say the right things about them, why +not about your wife’s, when it will please her to death and make her +think what a wonderful man she has married? + +“The next point in being a good husband consists in doing something +actively to make your wife happy and showing a human interest in her. +Many men think they have done their whole duty as husbands when they +furnish their wives with food and shelter and plenty of money. I have +heard men excuse themselves for never remembering an anniversary or +giving their wives a little present by saying that they didn’t know +what Mary or Sally wanted, and that they had charge accounts at the +best jewelers and department stores and could buy themselves whatever +they wanted. + +“That kind of thing doesn’t make a woman happy. There isn’t a wife in +the world who wouldn’t get more thrill out of a dollar string of blue +beads that her husband bought because they matched her eyes than she +would out of a pearl necklace that she bought herself on her wedding +anniversary because her husband had forgotten they were ever married. +It is the personal touch that counts with women. The sentiment. The +knowledge that her husband is concerned about her, that he notices when +she is tired, that he appreciates all that she does, that he tries to +make her happy and wants to give her every pleasure that he can. + +“If you want to be a good husband, son, remember to do the little +things, and the big things will do themselves. Be affectionate, be +kind, be appreciative, jolly her instead of finding fault with her. Be +liberal in the use of flattery and take her to some place of amusement +at least once a week, and she will thank God on her knees for having +given you to her for a husband.” + + + + +XXXIX + +GIVING CHILDREN ADVANTAGES + + +Among my acquaintances is a woman who is always bemoaning the fact that +she cannot give her children “advantages.” She sheds barrels of tears +over their not having the “advantages” that the children of the rich +have. She beats upon her breast and laments that she cannot send her +boys to college, and give them high-powered motorcars, and when she +thinks of not being able to dress her daughters like fashion plates +and send them off to summer and winter resorts, she melts down into a +perfect pulp of self-pity. After listening to this wail for a number of +years, I grew exasperated, and said to her: + +“What are the advantages that you cannot give your children? Let us +sit down and consider them dispassionately, and see if your children +really are so unfortunate, and so handicapped in life as you think +they are. Let us begin with your not being able to send your boys off +to college. I grant you that we would all like to give our children +every possible opportunity to acquire a good education. But not all +knowledge comes put up in school-book packages. Furthermore, the +degree a man takes who graduates from the University of Hard Knocks +has a lot of practical, available information, and a working knowledge +of life that is worth a bushel of M.A.’s and Ph.D.’s, and that it will +take the college graduate ten or fifteen years to acquire. Many of the +best-informed, best-read men that I know never saw the inside of a +college. In these days of cheap books, and magazines, and newspapers, +if a man wants an education he will get it. + +“Nor is the lack of a college education any bar to success. The men +who are running things in America to-day spent their formative years, +from 18 to 24, in learning about mines, and railroads, and stores, and +banking, instead of being grounded in Greek and Latin. And they are +hiring college graduates to work for them. Moreover, while you can lead +a boy to the Pierian spring, you cannot make him drink from it, and you +know well enough that the great majority of boys who are sent off to +college idle away their time, and come back with nothing but a college +yell, the latest thing in Klassy Kut Kollege Klothes, and a maddening +air of superiority. So comfort yourself with the knowledge that if your +son has it in him to take an education he will get it. If he yearns for +culture he will acquire it, but if he is just a boy who has good hard +horse sense, and is not intellectual, the sooner he gets to work after +his high-school days the better for him. Of course, mother-like, you +want your children to have everything that multimillionaires have, but +in your heart you must know that money is a curse to a boy instead of +a blessing. To begin with, wealth paralyzes ambition. We are all poor, +weak creatures who take the line of least resistance, and when we don’t +have to do things we become slackers. We have to have necessity to spur +us on to achievement. + +“Call over the roll of the rich men of to-day, of the men who sit +in high places, from the President down, of the men who are famous +inventors, and writers, and artists. They were almost all poor boys. +There is scarcely the name of a millionaire’s son in the whole list. +And riches lead a boy into temptation from which the poor boy is safe. +The boy who has to work for his daily bread has his mind and his +hands occupied. He has something interesting and exciting always to +do. The idle rich boy must make his own diversions, and find some way +of killing time, and he does it only too often by the booze and the +gambling route, and in the company of wild women. For adventuresses +and grafters fasten themselves like leeches on the man with a fat +pocketbook. There is nothing like lacking the price as a first aid to +virtue. + +“As for not being able to give your girls advantages, do you really +think it is any advantage to a girl to be brought up to be nothing but +a fashion plate, to have no duties and responsibilities, to have no +object in life except amusing herself and to be taught merely to be +a waster and a spender? Do you think that the woman who has a dozen +homes in this country and Europe, between which she vibrates with no +more local attachments than a transient guest has in a hotel, gets the +pleasure out of them that the woman does out of her little bungalow, +whose every plank has been paid for by some sacrifice and where every +chair and plate is the result of weeks of saving and planning? Do you +think the girl who buys herself a European title is as happy with the +_roué_ husband she has purchased as the girl who marries some clean, +honest young chap she loves and works up with him to prosperity? Do you +think that the woman who bears children and then turns them over to +nurses and governesses gets the benediction out of motherhood that the +woman does who cradles her children on her breast and rears them up at +her knee? + +“You lament that you cannot give your daughters the chance to make fine +marriages. Why, the working girl has ten times as good chance to make a +good marriage as the society girl has, because she is thrown with more +men. She works side by side with the go-getters and the coming men, +and she has the pick of them all. So,” I said to my lachrymose friend, +“stop whining because you aren’t rich and can’t give your children +‘advantages.’ You are giving them the necessity of standing on their +own feet and fighting their own battles, of developing all that is best +in them, and that is the greatest advantage that you could possibly +give them.” + + + + +XL + +SELL YOURSELF TO YOUR CHILDREN + + +Did you ever contemplate trying to “sell” your children, as the +advertising experts say, the things you wish them to be and do? Did you +ever try selling them yourself? Of course, the old idea is that the +proper way to rear children is by forcing on them a system of do’s and +don’ts. We tell our children that they must do this, and they mustn’t +do that. We try to coerce them along the straight and narrow road +because that is the proper path for them to travel, but we never take +the trouble to artfully entice them into it and make them think that +they have chosen it of their own free wills. + +We want our children to love us, to admire us, to consider us their +best friends; but we expect them to do this because we believe it the +duty of children to honor their parents. Not ten fathers and mothers +in a thousand ever deliberately try to make themselves attractive to +their children or win their confidence. Perhaps this is why there are +so many boys and girls hurtling down the broad highway to destruction; +why parental influence amounts to so little, and why the average child +feels that it has less in common with its own father and mother than it +has with any other man and woman it knows. + +We have just begun to realize that propaganda is one of the greatest +and most insidious forces on earth. We have seen it lift men up to the +skies and make gods of them, then turn and pull them down, and trample +them into the dust. We have seen it exalt a nation into sainthood +and turn it into a howling mob, crying for blood. And if it can thus +sway and move grown-up people, what a weapon it is to use upon the +plastic mind of a child! This being the case, why should we not “sell” +our children the ideals we wish them to have? Why should we not feed +them on the right propaganda from their cradle up? Why should we not +advertise the good things of life until we make them so alluring that +the child will want them? + +Why should we not sell righteousness to our children? It is one thing +to preach and nag at them about drink, and gambling, and associating +with bad men and women until you bore them to tears and make them +wonder what is the fascination of the evil that they are so warned +against. And it is another thing to make clean living the symbol of +health, and strength, and length of days; the respect of one’s fellow +men and, above all, the thing that sets one right with one’s own soul. + +Why not sell our children education? We scourge them to school, which +most of them regard as a place of penance, and where, dull and bored, +they sit in stolid indifference, while the dull and bored teachers +go through the perfunctory routine of hearing them recite lessons in +which they do not pretend to take the slightest interest. But suppose +we could really sell these children the idea of education? Suppose +we could get them as interested in history as they are in stories of +adventure? Suppose we could make them see that spelling and arithmetic +are not tasks; that they are the tools with which they will work when +they get their first jobs as stenographers and bookkeepers, and that +the better they spell and the quicker they are at figures the bigger +their pay envelopes will be! Suppose we could make them see that +knowledge is power, and that whether they stay at the foot of the +ladder or climb to the top is going to depend on how well their brains +are trained! Why, if we could make children see the advantages of an +education we would not have to force them to go to school. They would +be eager and anxious to go. + +Suppose we sold our children good manners. We are always correcting +Johnny at the table about the way he eats, and he is so used to our +don’ts about walking in front of people and keeping his hat on that +he has long since ceased to listen when we speak. But suppose, from +his earliest infancy, Johnny had heard boors ridiculed, and knife +swallowers, and cup cuddlers, and audible soup-eaters held up to scorn +as figures of fun. Do you not know that Johnny would as soon think of +committing murder as one of these offenses? And suppose Johnny has had +it impressed on him by precept and example that good manners are a +letter of credit that is honored the world over; that they will take +you farther than anything else on earth. Don’t you know that Johnny +would be incapable of loutishness, because good manners had simply been +bred into him? + +Why should we not sell our children industry and thrift? Propaganda +again. You can make work the most thrilling of all games. You can make +a child feel that his job is of great importance. You can form in +childhood an unbreakable habit of industry. You can teach the child how +to deny itself little things in order to save the money for big things. +You can make it feel the independence of having its own little bank +account. You can set a goal before it and light the fires of ambition +in its soul. + +Finally, why not sell yourself to your children? Why not make as much +effort to ingratiate yourself with your children as you would with +a stranger? Why not try to impress your children with your ability, +your wisdom, your up-to-dateness, as you would any man or woman with +whom you are trying to do business? If parents could only convince +their children that they are not back-numbers and incarnate killjoys +it would do more than any other one thing to improve the family +relationship. Believe me, it pays to advertise—especially with your +children. + + + + +XLI + +TAKING HUSBANDS “AS IS” + + +I wish that I could make every young girl who gets married a present +of a handsomely framed motto to hang on the wall above the mirror of +her dressing table, where she would be compelled to see it every time +she put on or took off her complexion, or repaired the Cupid’s bow +of her lips. On this motto in gorgeously illumined letters would be +these sapient words of Grover Cleveland: “It is a condition and not a +theory that confronts you.” I can think of no other advice in the world +that would be such a lamp to guide the feet of any young woman who is +starting to blunder down the rough road of matrimony, as this cold, +hard, unimaginative assertion of a simple fact. It brushes away with +one gesture of common sense all the dreams and romances and fairy tales +of courtship, and leaves a woman facing the reality of matrimony, which +is never as she thought it would be. It just is as it is. + +If women would only abandon their theories about what matrimony +should be, and how husbands should act, and deal with them as they +are, it would save floods of tears, innumerable broken hearts, +hundreds of cases of nervous prostration, and put the divorce courts +out of business. Furthermore, that women are mostly right in their +contentions, and have logic and justice on their side, doesn’t alter +this aspect of the situation at all. For instance, woman’s perpetual +grievance against her husband is his indifference. She wails out that +he inveigled her into matrimony under false pretenses because from the +ardor with which he wooed her, he led her to believe and expect that +he would be an eternal lover and would spend a large part of his time +telling her how beautiful and wonderful she was, and how he adored +her. Instead of making good on this antenuptial propaganda, however, +he stopped all of his love-making at the altar with a suddenness that +jarred her wisdom teeth loose, and in place of being a ladylove, she +finds herself merely a household convenience. + +Millions of women make themselves miserable because their husbands +never make love to them, never pay them a compliment, never give them +any sign of appreciation, never take them to any place of amusement, +never give any indication that they still care for them and want them +to be happy. These suffering sisters could save themselves nearly +all of their woe if they would just throw their rosy dreams of how a +husband should treat a wife into the discard, and accept the truth +that very few men are sentimentalists. Most of them feel like fools +when they are love-making, and so they get the ordeal over with as +quickly as possible. They consider that when a man marries a woman, +and undertakes her board bill and shopping ticket, that he has given a +proof of devotion strong enough to draw money on at the bank, and there +is no use in saying anything more about it. Also they feel that the +fact that they selected the women they did for wives showed that they +admired them above all other women, so why harp on that string? And, of +course, they want their wives to be happy. What else do they toil for +except to doll their wives up, and give them cars and houses and trips +to Palm Beach? + +So the wife may be very happy and contented who has philosophy enough +to take her husband as he is, good, kind and generous, even if he is a +dumb lover, apparently more interested in his business than he is in +her. She realizes that he says it with checks instead of with flowery +phrases, and that if she is starved emotionally she is sure of her +daily roast beef and potatoes. Then there is the matter of adjustment +between a man and a woman. Every bride dreams an impossible dream of +a husband who is chilled steel to all the balance of the world, but +putty in her hands. Experience blows this fair dream to the ends of the +earth, and she finds that she can no more alter her husband’s habits +and prejudices than she can the laws of the Medes and the Persians. He +has his ways, and she can either give in to them or fight over them. +He has his set opinions, and she can sidestep them or fight with him +about them. + +She can either use tact and diplomacy in handling him, or else be in a +perpetual quarrel with him, and she protests that this isn’t fair or +just. She says that it is as much his place to give in to her as it is +hers to give in to him. That it is just as much his business to deal +subtly with her, as it is her business to deal subtly with him. Of +course, the woman is right, but being right doesn’t help her a bit in +getting along with her husband. It is a condition and not a theory that +confronts her. If any harmonious relations exist between her and her +husband, she has to furnish the harmony. If there is any adapting, it +is the wife who must do the adapting. + +Women likewise complain that it is unjust that they should have to do +practically all of the work of making a happy home. They say that it +is just as much a man’s business to be a little ray of sunshine in +the home as it is a woman’s; that it is just as much up to a husband +to wear the smile that won’t come off as it is the wife’s. They say +that there is no more reason why they should read up on subjects that +interest their husbands, so as to be able to hand out a good line of +conversation, than why their husbands shouldn’t read up on fashion +journals so as to be able to discuss intelligently with them the length +of skirts and the latest hair bob. True. But again it is the condition +and not the theory of matrimony that confronts them, and unless the +wife makes the happy home it isn’t made. It is when women forget what +matrimony should be, and deal with it as it is, that they make a +success of it. + + + + +XLII + +BEING A GOOD WIFE + + +“I want to be a good wife, the kind of a wife like that lady in the +Bible whose price was above rubies,” said a little bride to me the +other day. “What shall I do to be a real helpmeet to my husband?” + +“Well, my dear,” I replied, “there are three general counts on which +every wife must make good in order to help her husband, and then +the job becomes the work of an expert, and varies according to the +temperament of the man. To begin with, every woman who is an asset +instead of a total loss to her husband, must make him a comfortable +home and feed him properly. When a man marries, he practically turns +over his stomach and his nerves and his brains to his wife’s care, +and she can keep him at the peak of efficiency by giving him a quiet, +restful place to come to at night, and a good dinner to eat, or she can +sabotage the whole works by throwing in quarrels and heavy biscuit and +tough meat. + +“There is practically no limit to the amount of work a man can do +whose wife takes care of him, and who has a happy home life. The men +who break down with nervous prostration are the men who, after the +struggle and anxiety and worries of a business day, go home to strife +and wrangles and recriminations and nagging and to food that would +kill an ostrich. No nerves and no digestion will stand it. A breakfast +of flabby cakes and muddy coffee, that make him take a dyspeptic and +despairing view of things, and see the world through blue spectacles, +has made many a man turn down a good proposition that would have +carried him on to fame and fortune. A spat with his wife that left his +nerves on edge, and his soul filled with bitterness, has made many a +man quarrel with his partner and insult his best client or customer. + +“So, my dear, if you want to help your husband succeed, you must begin +by making him a home wherein his tired body and frazzled nerves may +refresh themselves, so that he may go forth with new strength to battle +with the world. You must make him happy, for there is nothing that +happy people may not achieve. The next item is to keep on cutting bait. +Don’t deceive yourself into thinking that because you have captured +your man he will stay captive. It is a job that has to be done over +again every morning. + +“You know the arts and wiles with which you lured him into matrimony. +You recall the pretty dresses you wore, the glad, sweet smile with +which you met him. The pleasure you showed you took in his society. A +man doesn’t put on blinders when he gets married. He still has an eye +out for a pretty woman in a gay frock, and he likes to feel that his +wife still cares enough for him to want to make herself attractive to +him and that his coming home is the big event of the day to her. + +“Item three in being a good wife is to be a loving wife. Women are +always talking about being heart-hungry and seem to think that it is an +exclusively feminine complaint, but there are just as many men starving +for affection as there are women. Don’t expect your husband to take +it for granted that you still love him because you haven’t applied +for a divorce. Tell him so. Give him a kiss now and then that isn’t +just a peck on the cheek. But love with discretion. Don’t smother your +husband with affection. Don’t surfeit him on it. Keep your love as a +sweetener for matrimony. Don’t make it the whole diet. Remember that +the most-loved husband in the world said: ‘Feed me with apples, stay me +with flagons, for I am SICK of love.’ + +“The fourth item in being a good wife is not to expect the impossible +of your husband. Don’t demand that he be a demigod. Accept him as a +poor, faulty human being, even as you are. Don’t have hysterics every +time he topples off of the pedestal on which you have placed him. Help +him up, dust him off and give him a seat beside you. Humor him in his +funny little ways. Sidestep his little prejudices. Don’t argue with +him when your opinions clash. Laugh at his blunders and sympathize with +him when he makes mistakes, and he will make you his confidant and tell +you the truth, which is the finest tribute that any man ever pays his +wife. + +“Item five in being a good wife is to be appreciative. When the average +man gets married he sells himself into bondage to his family. The +remainder of his life he spends toiling to keep his wife and children +soft and safe. And whether all this work and sacrifice is worth the +price and is a glorious reward depends altogether on his wife’s +attitude. If she takes it as nothing but her due, it is slavery. But if +she lets him see every day in every way that she thinks that he is the +finest and noblest man that ever lived, and that no be-medaled warrior +has anything on him in heroism, it makes it all worth while and causes +him to feel that being a husband and father is the finest career on +earth. + +“Item six in being a good wife is to keep yourself good-natured. Tho +you have all other virtues, yet are a high-tempered virago or a nagger, +you will be a failure as a wife and your husband will curse the day he +married you. + +“Item seven is to be a good sport. To take the bad with the good of +matrimony without whining. Not to welch on your part of the work and +sacrifices. To be willing to go where your husband’s fortunes call +him. To fight the battle with him shoulder to shoulder and never to +give up the ship. + +“The next way to help your husband is by keeping yourself cheerful and +optimistic. Nothing breaks down a man’s morale so quickly as having a +wife who is whining and complaining, who reproaches him with not making +as much money as other men do, and who lets him see that she does not +believe in him. Now we can only do the things we think we can do, and +when we kill a man’s faith in himself we have slain his ability to +succeed. Ninety-nine husbands out of a hundred live up to their wives’ +expectations of them. If their wives are always knocking them and +discouraging them and wet-blanketing their every plan and prophesying +failure, they fail. But if their wives are cheerful and optimistic; if +they encourage them; if they believe in them, and make them believe in +themselves, they succeed. They simply have to make good because their +wives expect it. Most wives write their husbands’ price tags. Price +yours high, and your husband will deliver the goods. + +“The next point in being a good wife is for the wife deliberately +to make herself her husband’s best friend. That means that you must +interest yourself in whatever interests him. First and foremost, you +must take an interest in his business. Practically all men like to talk +shop, but they can’t do it to women who yawn in their faces and who +never take the trouble to learn the technique of the business out of +which they get their living. A woman can help her husband not only by +taking an interest in his business, but by making friends for him. Many +a man is advertised into success by his charming wife, and many a man +is bankrupted by his disagreeable and ill-mannered spouse. A woman can +help her husband by using a little common sense in her attitude toward +his business, and by being willing to make the sacrifices necessary to +his success. + +“The woman who always speaks of her husband’s office as ‘that old +office,’ and who resents his interest in his business and the time he +devotes to it; the woman who will not let her husband leave a poor job +with no future to it, to take a better one in which he could make his +fortune, because it would take her away from mother and the girls and +Main Street; the doctors’ and dentists’ wives who are jealous of their +husbands’ patients, and the lawyer’s wife who blabs, are all first aids +to their husbands’ failure. Only a man of superhuman talent can succeed +against the handicap of such a wife. + +“Then come the two specific ways in which a wife can help her husband, +and which depend on the individual man. Some men have talent, but lack +backbone. They are brilliant but weak. They get easily discouraged and +need to be bucked up and flattered and admired continually. They are +prone to give up, and they need a wife who will hold them to their +purpose when they falter and waver. A wife can help this type of man +best by being a little hard and very ambitious, by bracing him up with +her own strength and literally pushing him on to success. The clinging +vine, helpless sort of women bring out the best that is in other men. +If their wives could stand on their own feet, their husbands would let +them do it, but because their wives can do nothing but hang around +their necks, they feel that they must fight to the death for them. + +“This is the reason that for the wife to be thrifty and saving is not +always the best way to help a man. Because many a man has had to hustle +to meet the demands of an extravagant wife he has made the effort that +turned him into a millionaire. + +“But mostly, my dear, if you want to help your husband, just love him +enough. Perhaps that is the best way of all.” + + + + +XLIII + +INVALIDISM A GRAFT + + +Do you ever think that it is dishonest to be sick when you might be +well? It is just plain stealing. And it is the most despicable form +of petty larceny, because it is robbing those who love you, and trust +you and who are defenseless against you. They cannot lock up their +sympathies, their peace of mind, their personal service, their money, +safely away from your pilfering. Of course, there are many people who +are really ill. Through no fault of their own, they are smitten by some +terrible disease, and they deserve all that we can give of pity and +help as they go stumbling down the agonized way to the grave. + +These words are not for them, but for that multitude of men and women +with whom sickness is merely a graft, a camouflage for selfishness, and +a blanket excuse with which they cover up all their sins of omission +and commission, and that furnishes them a perfect alibi for doing +everything they want to do, and leaving undone those things which they +do not wish to do. + +Ninety per cent of all the sickness in the world is voluntary, or at +least comes through contributory negligence. People are sick because +they are not willing to make the sacrifices to keep well. + +And curiously enough they justify themselves by claiming that their +own health is a personal matter. “If I make myself sick, I am the one +who has to suffer,” they say. If this were true, far be it from the +rest of us to interfere with their pleasures. But it isn’t true. No +man or woman is sick to himself or herself alone. We have to listen to +their groans. We have to minister to them. We have to do their work. +We have to pay their doctor’s bills. We have to put up with their +irritability and unreason because sickness is supposed to give people +_carte blanche_ to do and say all the things that well people do not +dare to do. When ill health is an act of God, as shipping manifests +say, and therefore beyond our control, it is one thing. When it is the +result of weak self-indulgence it is another thing. Our sympathies and +our assistance go out to the victim of tuberculosis or cancer, but we +have nothing but contempt for the glutton who keeps himself sick from +overeating. + +In every business house where women are employed there is such a large +percentage of them absent from work on account of sickness, especially +during the winter, that the question is often raised whether the +delicate feminine constitution can stand the strain of commercial life. +Stuff and nonsense! It isn’t the work that is hurting the girls. It is +the way they dress and live. + +They feel that they have a perfect right to risk bad colds and +pneumonia by coming to work on rainy, sloppy, sleety days in +paper-soled satin pumps and chiffon stockings, and with not enough +clothes on to keep an icicle warm. They consider it their own affair +if they prefer to spend their money on an imported hat instead of on +nourishing food. They think if they come to the office with a nervous +headache that makes them blind and stupid with pain, and was brought on +by too many nights of successive jazzing, it is a matter between them +and the aspirin bottle alone. But it isn’t. They are not giving their +employers a square deal. They are not giving them the services they +pay for. They are upsetting the routine of the office, and laying the +burden of their work on the shoulders of other people. + +Look at the invalid wives you know! Dozens of them who have brought +nervous prostration on themselves by overwork, or too many clubs and +causes, or too much society. Don’t we all know women who go on orgies +of housecleaning, or dressmaking, though they know perfectly well that +every such debauch is going to end up in a spell of sickness which +will call for doctors and trained nurses? Don’t we know women who wear +themselves to tatters over church fairs and club campaigns? Don’t we +know women who play bridge every day until they are so nervous that +they become unbearable at home and their husbands have to send them off +to sanatoriums to get a little peace and rest themselves? We do. + +We marvel that these women never stop to consider how they are +defrauding their families. They never consider what a wickedly +dishonest thing it is to deprive a husband and children of a healthy, +strong wife and mother, and give them a neurotic, irritable, cross, +nerve-wrecked creature who makes the home about as cheerful as a +grave-yard, and in which they have always to walk softly and speak in +whispers for fear of disturbing the lady who has just gone to bed with +a neuralgia headache. + +Then there is the large army of women who enjoy poor health, who are +professional invalids for the simple reason that they are too lazy and +indolent to make the effort to be well. They are quitters who literally +take life lying down. They cultivate small ailments. They acquire the +sanatorium habit, and they expect to be pitied and babied instead of +being ostracized as dishonest grafters who snatch the very bread out of +the mouths of their families to pay their unnecessary doctor’s bills. +We all know dozens of these women who suffer from imaginary complaints, +and we have seen many of them cured by their husband’s death, when they +had to quit being sick, and go to work and support themselves. + +That is why I say that it is dishonest to be sick when you might be +well. + + + + +XLIV + +SELFISHNESS MADE TO ORDER + + +“My daughter is so selfish toward me,” wailed a mother to me the other +day, “she never considers my comfort or happiness in any way whatever. +Since the day she was born I have never had a thought except for her. +I have given her the best of everything. I have worn old clothes in +order that she might have fine new ones. I have done without the things +I wanted that she might indulge her every desire. I have gone to the +places that she wished to go to, instead of the places where I wished +to go. I have cooked and sewed and waited upon her like a slave, but +instead of appreciating all that I have done for her she takes it as +a matter of course. She thinks any old cast-off is good enough for +mother and never dreams of doing anything she doesn’t want to do for my +pleasure. And that is my reward for all the sacrifices I have made for +her!” + +“Say rather that, as the result of all the sacrifices that you have +made for your daughter,” I replied, “your girl is just exactly what +you have made her. You have put in twenty-two years of conscientious +work in erecting a monument of selfishness, and you have no right to +complain. You wouldn’t build a house of mud and garbage cans and expect +it to be a white marble palace. How, then, can you expect to build up a +child’s character with all the meanest characteristics of human nature +and expect it to be fine and noble? Impossible. And that is the sort of +miracle that you parents expect from your children when you demand that +they shall be something totally different from the thing into which you +have made them. + +“When your daughter was born, she was as plastic as clay in your hands. +It was your privilege to mold her into any shape you pleased. You +could have taught her to be unselfish, to be considerate, to think of +other people, to love and honor and respect you. Instead of that, from +her first conscious moment, you taught her to despise you, to think +you of no account and not worth considering. You taught her to think +only of herself, of her own pleasures and desires, and to get what she +wanted at any cost to others. Now you whine because your teaching has +borne fruit. You are unjust and unreasonable. What we sow, we reap +inevitably. If you make yourself a doormat before your children, they +will walk over you and kick you about, because they naturally think +that you know where you belong in the household and have taken your +proper place. + +“They would just as naturally have looked up to you if you had placed +yourself on a pedestal above them and demanded to be worshiped. +Children don’t reason about their parents. They just accept them as +they are and hold them cheap, or dear, according to the way the mother +and father value themselves. I have no tears to shed over the sorrows +of mothers who have selfish and ungrateful daughters, because every +time it is the mother’s own fault. She is to blame, not the girl. + +“If she had spent part of the clothes money on getting herself some +pretty frocks, instead of lavishing it all on daughter, daughter would +be proud of mother instead of being ashamed of her. If she had made +daughter help with the housework and the sewing, instead of slaving +over the cookstove and the sewing machine so that daughter might go +free, daughter would think about saving mother and doing things for +her. If she had asserted her rights to her own personal tastes and +pleasures, instead of letting daughter’s tastes and pleasures rule the +household, daughter would show her some consideration and remember +mother’s likes and dislikes, and cater to them. There are mothers who +are queens in their families, just as there are mothers who are nothing +but the maid-of-all-work in their homes, and it rests with every mother +to decide which she will be. It is the queen mothers who are loved and +appreciated, and who have dutiful, unselfish children. The drudge +mother gets only the wages of the drudge from her children. + +“In reality, the mother who rears her children up to be monsters of +selfishness has no right to expect appreciation and gratitude from +them because she has done them as ill a turn as one human being can do +another. She has warped their characters. She has developed in them +traits that mar their happiness and are a handicap to success. She has +made them egotists, and they are never satisfied and continually at +variance with those about them. In particular is selfishness a blight +upon a woman’s life, for the selfish woman finds it almost impossible +to make the sacrifices that wifehood and motherhood demand of her. One +of the main reasons why divorce is so prevalent is because when so many +selfish girls find that they can’t treat their husbands as they did +their mothers, they throw up their hands and quit. + +“And so,” I said to the mother of the selfish daughter, “you are unfair +to your daughter. Don’t blame her for being what you made her. What +else could you expect?” + + + + +XLV + +SELF-CONTROL + + +If I were to go to a mother who was cradling her babe on her breast, +and tell her that I knew a magic formula by which she could insure +power, and prosperity, and happiness to her child, she would impoverish +herself to purchase this knowledge from me, and fall on her knees and +bless me for having given it to her. + +Yet I know just such a bit of white magic. In her secret soul every +mother herself knows it, but ninety-nine times out of a hundred she is +either too weak or too lazy to use it. + +This charm that would have changed all life for innumerable people; +that would have kept men out of prisons, and women out of brothels; +that would have turned paupers into rich men; made the unsuccessful +successful and stopped the wheels of the divorce court—consists simply +in teaching children self-control. + +Almost every misfortune under which humanity suffers goes straight back +to that. There is hardly a derelict in the world who cannot say: “I +would not be what I am if my mother had taught me to control myself.” + +For it is lack of self-control that is at the bottom of most of our +sins of omission and commission. + +Look at the murderer going to the death chair. Not once in a thousand +times is he a cold-blooded murderer; but he was a high-tempered child +whose mother never taught him to control himself. There came a day when +something irritated him more than usual and, aflame with anger, he took +a fellow creature’s life. It is the supreme manifestation of the same +spirit that made him kick the chair against which he stumbled as a +child and beat with impotent little fists all who thwarted him. + +Look at the drunkard wallowing in the gutter. He is there because his +mother never taught him to control his appetites. He is the logical +outgrowth of the greedy little boy who was permitted to gorge himself +on cake and candy until it made him ill. + +Look at the poor, shabby, out-at-elbows man who has drifted from job to +job all his life, and has never been able to make a decent support for +himself and his family. He is his mother’s handiwork. She put the curse +of incompetence on him when she let him give up every undertaking the +moment he struck the hard sledding in it. + +He changed from one school to another because the lessons were too +difficult, or the teacher was too strict. When he started to work, he +left one place because the hours were too long, another because his +boss was too exacting. He tried a dozen different occupations that he +left because he found they had unpleasant features and involved doing +uncongenial tasks. He is a down-and-outer because his mother never +taught him the self-control that makes a man set his teeth and go +through with the business to which he has put his hand. + +Look at the girls who go astray. Not one of “the sorrowful sisterhood” +as the Japanese pitifully call them, but who is what she is because her +mother did not teach her self-control. Did the girl sin because she was +so weak and so in love with some vicious libertine that she listened +to her heart instead of her head? Her mother could have saved her from +a fate worse than death if she had taught her to control her emotions, +instead of being ruled by them. + +Did the girl sell her soul for fine clothes, and good times? Again +the mother’s fault for not teaching the girl self-control, and to do +without the things that she could not honestly get. + +Look at the poor old people who are dependent on their children, or +the grudging charity of relatives and friends. In how many cases is +their unhappy fate simply the result of their lack of self-control! +They have had their chance of fortune. As long as the man was able to +work he made plenty of money, and they lived luxuriously, but they +spent everything as they went along. They laid up nothing for their +rainy day, and when it came, it found them paupers and parasites. The +difference between dependence and independence, between comfort and +misery in your old age depends upon how much self-control you have had +in your youth. + +Look at the ever increasing number of divorces. Look at the forlorn +half-orphan children, and broken up homes. Look at the unhappy married +couples you know. What is the real cause of all this domestic trouble? +Merely that mothers do not teach their children self-control. They +raise up spoiled, selfish daughters who never consider a thing in life +but their own pleasure. + +They raised up spoiled, selfish sons who have never considered another +human being but themselves. These two, with undisciplined wills, +unrestrained tempers, undirected impulses, marry each other, and they +fight like cats and dogs. Observation shows that either a husband or +a wife who controls himself or herself can save almost any marriage, +and it takes no prophet to foretell that mothers could insure their +children’s domestic happiness by teaching them iron bound self-control. + +You can teach a baby three weeks old self-control by refusing to give +it the thing it howls for. Say to the toddler that falls and bumps its +nose, “Mother’s brave boy doesn’t cry,” and it will bite back the sobs. +It will yell the roof off if you pity it. A child of three will be +obedient, cheerful, respectful of the rights of others, or he will be +a little demon, according to the way his mother has brought him up. + +If she has taught him self-control, she has given him the magic that +works all the miracles of life, and if she hasn’t, she has done him the +greatest wrong that any human being can possibly do to another human +being. + + + + +XLVI + +OLD FATHERS AND NEW DAUGHTERS + + +“O dear Miss Dix,” wails a little flapper, “won’t you please help +me? Won’t you please try to make my father understand that I must do +as people do now, instead of doing the way that he did when he was +young? I’ve got the best daddy in the world, and I love him with all +my heart; but he is ruining my life trying to make me the sort of girl +that he says mother was. And I’m not mother. I am myself, and I don’t +live thirty years ago. I live now, and I have to be a model girl of +now or else a back-number at whom nobody will look and whom nobody +wants. Father says he is an old-fashioned father, and he is trying +to make me an old-fashioned girl. I never have any up-to-the-minute +clothes because mother didn’t wear short skirts and no corsets and bob +her hair. I can’t go joy-riding with a crowd because they didn’t have +automobiles when father was young. I have to be home at 11 o’clock when +I go out in the evening because he says that he never stayed out late +when he was young. + +“I can’t dance because father didn’t jazz and he doesn’t think the +modern dances respectable. He won’t let me read any of the six best +sellers because he doesn’t approve of modern literature, and he makes +me read old-fashioned books that I almost yawn my head off over. And +he just simply loathes all the boys who come to see me. Calls them +sapheads, and he wonders why I want to waste my time talking nonsense +with little jellybeans such as they are. He says it is just appalling +to see how youth has deteriorated since his day, and that when he was +young the boys and girls were all serious-minded young people, who +cared only for rational amusements, and that instead of chasing around +to cabarets they spent the evening at home in intelligent conversation. + +“I suppose we young ones are a poor lot compared to what our parents +were; but such as we are, we are. In Rome you have to do as the Romans +do or else you get left. I want to play with the other girls and boys, +but I can’t unless I play the way they do. My father is always talking +about home being woman’s proper sphere, and wifehood and motherhood +being a woman’s noblest career. But how am I to get married if I am +never permitted to have any dates with boys? You might just as well +lock a girl up in a stone cell and throw away the key as not to let her +do what the other girls are doing. There are too many pretty girls, +with lots of fun and pep in them, that the boys can run around with, +for them to take the trouble to hunt up one that is laid up on the +shelf and labeled ‘old-fashioned.’ And when I tell my father this he +gets angry and I cry, and I don’t know what to do because I don’t want +to disobey him and I don’t want to waste my youth sticking around at +home and having no pleasure.” + +“Alas, my dear,” I said, “your father is trying to foist his ideals +on you, just as his father tried to foist his ideals on him. Each +generation tries to do it and each makes dark prophecies about what +the present generation is coming to. Your grandfather thought bustles +just as dreadful as your father thinks rolled stockings are. Your +grandfather disapproved of side-bar buggies just as much as your father +does of automobiles. Your grandfather considered the waltz just as +indecent as your father does shimmying. Your grandfather thought your +father should only read Shakespeare and Richardson, and considered +Dickens frivolous, just as your father thinks you ought to read Dickens +instead of ‘The Sheik.’ And your grandfather told your father how +superior the young men of his day were, and how they spent their time +in improving their minds and always went to bed with the chickens, and +how they doted on intellectual conversation, just as his father told +him and great-great-great-great-grandfather told his son. + +“And it is all stuff and nonsense. Not a word of it has ever been true. +Each succeeding generation of young people have been pleasure-loving +and laughter-loving and foolish, and have danced and played and +skylarked. And all the difference is that their games have taken on +different phases in different ages. It is a pity that fathers and +mothers cannot remember this. If they did and would look on with +sympathy and understanding, they could keep close enough to their +children to know what they are doing and to stretch out a hand and hold +them steady when they start to go wild, and to snatch them back when +they get too near to the edge of the pit. For youth will be served. +Youth must have its fling. High spirits must find a vent. Suppress +these with the heavy hand of authority and something blows up. + +“Lock a girl in her room, and she will climb out of the window. Forbid +her to see boys at home, and she will meet them on the street. Refuse +to let her go to nice dances, and she will slip away to low dance +halls. The wildest and most reckless girls are invariably those with +the strictest parents. The young people of to-day live in the world of +to-day and must do as they do to-day. Parents must recognize that and +deal with them on that platform if they wish to do their duty by their +children.” + + + + +XLVII + +LOSING A WIFE’S LOVE + + +One of the most curious superstitions in the world is the childlike +belief that men have in the indestructibility of women’s love. +They visualize the feminine heart as a sort of perpetual-motion +machine that, once they press the button and set it to work, goes on +automatically pumping up affection for them as long as they live, +and they think that nothing they do or say ever interferes with its +functioning. In a word, they believe that if a man wins a woman’s love +it is his for keeps. He can’t lose it or mislay it. The poor thing +has no choice but to go on adoring him to the end, because she is +built that way. It is a comfortable and consoling theory, and men take +liberties with it, but the trouble is that it isn’t true. In reality, +women are just as fickle as men are, and just as few women as men +are capable of a deep and abiding love. Women’s fancies are just as +unstable as men’s. They are just as much lured by a handsome face and +fall as easily for a smooth line of soft talk. And there are just as +many wives who get tired of their husbands as there are husbands who +are weary of their wives. + +The only difference between the sexes in the matter is that women face +the situation, while men shut their eyes to it and refuse to recognize +that it exists. Every woman knows that because a man was in love with +her when he married her is no indication that he is going to remain in +love with her to the end of the chapter. She knows that if she keeps +her husband’s affection she has to be up and doing, and on the job. +That is why there are millions of women undergoing all the agonies of +slow starvation trying to maintain a girlish figure; why millions are +boiled alive and thumped and scalped in beauty parlors, and why the +nation spends more a year for face paint than it does for house paint, +and why, wherever we go, we see fat, middle-aged, bread-and-butter +wives attempting to look like flappers and acquire the technique of the +vamp in order to keep their husbands nailed to their own firesides. + +Apparently, however, it never occurs to a man that there is the +slightest necessity to make any effort to keep his wife fascinated and +to prevent her eyes from roaming around in search of a sheik. He may +be bay-windowed and bald, but if he reduces it is only on his doctor’s +orders, and not because he wants to look boyish to his wife. And he +never buys a toupee until after he becomes a widower and begins to take +notice again. The idea that his wife might cease to love him actually +never crosses the average man’s mind. He is convinced that she couldn’t +do it. It is some peculiarity of the feminine constitution that makes +a woman go on loving what has become unlovable. Now, with a man it is +different, of course. He realizes that he couldn’t stay very long in +love with a woman who was slouchy, and sloppy, and untidy looking, who +came to breakfast in a dirty kimono and run down at the heel slippers. +Nor would he take much interest in kissing a cheek smeared with cold +cream. + +But he doesn’t see why his wife shouldn’t still regard him as a +romantic figure when he goes around in a soiled shirt and a rumpled +collar, with grease spots on his coat and trousers that bag at the +knees, and offers to her lips a countenance with a two days’ stubble of +beard on it. + +A man knows well enough that, as far as he is concerned, the only way +to keep the love fires burning is to keep piling the fuel on it and +pouring over it the oil of flattery and praise. But he thinks that +you don’t have to put any more fuel on the fire of a woman’s heart, +because it is a flame that miraculously replenishes itself. So after he +marries he never bothers to show her any attention, or to pay her any +compliments, or to tell her that he loves her, or give any indication +that he regards her as anything but a piece of useful household +furniture. If any woman ever treated him that way his affection +would mighty soon starve to death, but he never has the slightest +apprehension that his wife’s love will perish on the same meager +rations. + +There are men who abuse their wives, who swear at them, and curse them, +and speak to them as if they were dogs. There are men whose wives live +in trembling fear of their tempers. There are men who are stingy and +who do not give to their wives, who spend their lives slaving for them, +the poorest wage of an ill-paid servant. Yet these men go on believing +that their wives still love them because they loved them in the days of +courtship, when they were handsome, gallant, and neat, and attractive, +and loving, and flattering, and generous, and considerate swains. + +Such men befool themselves by thinking that they cannot kill a woman’s +love. Never was there a greater mistake. A woman’s love is as delicate +and as fragile a thing as a flower that you can crush with a finger. +And it takes never-ending skill, and care, and cherishing to keep it +alive. You can kill it with disgust. You can kill it with unkindness. +You can kill it with injustice. You can kill it with neglect, and it +would surprise many a man who still believes that his wife loves him in +spite of the way he has treated her, in spite of his indifference to +her, to know that her love for him has been dead so long that she has +almost forgotten that she ever cared for him at all. + +So I warn you, Mr. Man, not to put any faith in the theory that you +can’t kill a woman’s love. Women are like men; they only love the +lovable. And if you wish to retain your wife’s affections, you have got +to continue after marriage the same tactics you used in winning her. + + + + +XLVIII + +THE LURE OF THE MARRIED MAN + + +A man wants to know why married men have such a fascination for girls, +and wherein a benedict’s wooing differs from that of a bachelor. The +first part of this double-barreled question was answered by Eve in the +Garden of Eden, and every girl takes after her greatest grandmother. +Married men are forbidden fruit, and that alone whets the appetite of +the foolish little Evelyns for them, and makes them seem the prize +pippins of the whole matrimonial orchard. The thing that a woman cannot +have, that she has no right to have, and especially the thing that some +other woman possesses, is always the thing that she wants most. If +you have ever watched women fight over a commonplace and unattractive +article on a bargain table, where each was determined to have it just +because the others desired it, you have the psychological explanation +of why a girl falls for a married man that she wouldn’t look at if he +were single. + +Also, women are the adventurous sex. They love to play with danger as a +child plays with fire, and a large part of the lure of the married man +consists in the fact that a girl knows that when she has an affair with +one, she is risking every shred of her reputation, and gambling with +her happiness, and that any minute she may be cited as a corespondent, +and dragged into the slime of the divorce courts. + +Also, the average girl is simply slopping over with romance, and +somehow she gets more kick out of being wooed under the rose than she +does in an above board, honest-to-God courtship. There is something +about the secrecy of a love intrigue with a married man, about the +surreptitious letters, about the stolen rendezvous, that thrills her to +the core of her being. It makes her feel so desperately wicked, like +one of the grand passion heroines of her favorite novels, who cried +“All for love, and the world well lost” as she chucked her bonnet over +the windmill. + +It is because the married man is the only man in the world who is out +of her reach, and whom she has no right to try to grab; it is because +some other woman has set her seal of approval on him by marrying him; +it is because an illicit love episode is a streak of lurid romance in +her drab days, that the little Totties and Flossies are able to see +the hero of their girlish dreams in the fat, bald-headed, middle-aged +men for whom they work, and the Mauds and Gwendolyns imagine that they +have found their affinities in some ordinary commonplace married man, +who would bore them to tears if his wedding ring had not given him a +fictitious value in their eyes. + +Add to this, vanity and cruelty. In the man hunt, women look on the +married man as big game, and when they bring one down they feel as if +they had captured an elephant instead of having shot a tame rabbit. +There are girls who boast of their conquests among married men, and +who have so little heart that they delight in watching the agonies of +jealousy that they inflict on the poor defenseless wife. Many young +women are likewise gold-diggers, and these virtually confine their +attentions to married men, as wealthy bachelors are few and well-to-do +middle-aged married men are plentiful and easy. + +Why the married man who starts out as a Lothario is an easy winner +of feminine hearts is perfectly obvious. To begin with, he has the +same advantage that the widower has over the single man. He is a +professional, so to speak, instead of an amateur lover. He has the +education in women that only marriage can give a man, for he has had a +wife and, like the wise man of Kipling’s poem, he “learned about women +from her.” He has found out that all women are so hungry for love that +they will swallow any soft talk without examining its quality. He has +found out that you can jolly a woman into anything. He has found out +that women melt down into a mush that you can do with as you will, +under a little understanding and sympathy. He has found out that if you +remember an anniversary, and a woman’s taste in two or three things, +she will believe it an absolute proof of undying devotion. + +The married man knows that there is one sure short cut to virtually +every woman’s heart. It is pity. And so he begins his love-making by +telling the girl that his wife does not understand him, that she is +not his real soul-mate, that they have nothing in common, and that his +home is bleak, and barren, and unhappy. Generally he accuses his wife +of being a human iceberg, while he is a perfect geyser of love and +tenderness. And then he moans: “Oh, why did we not meet in time?” And +the poor little idiot of a girl undertakes the consolation rôle. + +Of course, all of this effective love play is more or less impossible +to the bachelor. He lacks the technique of the married man. He cannot +appeal to a woman’s sympathies, or pose before her in the rôle of a +martyr. He can only make love in the commonplace old way, and it cramps +his style. But the real reason that the married man is a devil among +women is just the same old reason that made Eve listen to the serpent. + + + + +XLIX + +FORGET IT + + +Every day some girl writes me that she is young, quite as pretty as the +other girls about her, that she dresses as well, and makes as good an +appearance as they do, and strives to please, but that no man ever pays +her the slightest attention, or asks her to step out with him of an +evening. Then this girl goes on to say that she is a business girl, but +she doesn’t make a very good salary, and she is discouraged, and blue, +and wants to know what to do. + +My advice to a girl in this situation—and there are millions of her—is +to forget men. Give up the struggle to attract them. Quit trying to +catch one. Renounce romance. Throw away all thoughts of marriage. Just +accept the fact that nature did not put you in the vamp class, and play +your game of life from that angle. + +This counsel will be a bitter pill for the girl to swallow, but she +will find it good medicine that will work a speedy and permanent cure, +if she will try it on herself. Why certain women are magnets that draw +every man they meet to them, and why nothing in trousers except upon +compulsion ever goes near other women just as good looking, just as +charming in every way, is one of the mysteries nobody has ever solved. +Nor has anyone ever been able to suggest a remedy for this state of +affairs. + +The fast steamship, the lightning express, the aeroplane, have +annihilated distance, but human ingenuity has failed to invent any +device to make a boy go to see the girl next door if he doesn’t want +to go. Science has torn its secrets from the earth, but it cannot find +out what quality it is in woman that attracts men. It has invented +chemicals that work magic in the physical world, but it has never +discovered a reliable love philter. + +So that’s that. And it is a wise girl who has the courage to look +herself in the face, and see whether she has the “come hither” look in +her eye, and if she hasn’t, to recognize the fact, and devote herself +to a more promising occupation than chasing men, who, in the end, +always make their getaway, unless they desire to be caught. + +Therefore, I would urge the girl who does not make a spontaneous hit +with men, to quit wasting her time and her energies in the vain attempt +to decoy them into noticing her, and to put all that lost motion and +force into her work, where she will get better results. + +Believe me, if the girl who does not attract men, tried as hard to +sell herself to her job as she does to sell herself socially, she would +not have to complain long of holding a small position. She would be a +highly paid secretary, or buyer, or department manager. + +If the girl who does not attract men, studied her employer’s moods and +tenses as earnestly as she does those of some little jellybean, and +if she was as anxious to please her employer as she is to please the +jazz hounds and cakeaters she meets, she would find herself one of the +valued employees who are always spoken of reverentially as “our Miss +So-and so.” + +If the girl who never has a date would put in one hundredth part of +the intensive study on her work that she gives to the technique of the +popular girl, and to trying to find out something about the psychology +of customers or the history of the goods she handles, or the details of +the business she is employed in, she would have employers fighting over +her. + +In a word, if the girl who is not popular with men would concentrate +her thoughts, her interests, and her ambitions, on getting ahead in the +occupation she has chosen, instead of wasting her time and energies in +a fruitless attempt to charm men, she would be a success instead of a +failure; she would be happy instead of miserable. + +As it is now she falls between the stools. She is a poor makeshift in +her job, who gets nowhere, because her one desire, her one ambition, +her one aim in life is to attract men and catch a husband, and she is +miserable, and discouraged, and bitter, and disgruntled, because she +is balked in that attempt. And she is a siren without allure who never +arrives at the altar, so she fails both as a business woman, and in her +effort to catch a husband. + +This is a great pity, because while love and marriage are highly +desirable blessings to come into a woman’s life, they are not the whole +of life. The world is full of such a lot of things besides sentiment. +There is independence, the freedom to come and go as one pleases. There +is the exhilarating sport of climbing up the ladder of success, which +has a million thrills for every round. There is the solid satisfaction +of achievement. There is the good job that keeps one on one’s tiptoes +so that one never has a dull moment. There is the happiness that comes +of being employed in constructive work. There is one’s own home, with +one’s own pots, and pans, and doilies, if one wants them. + +Take it from me, girls, the woman who espouses a career does not get +the worst husband there is. She has a life companion from whom she +never has to wheedle the pennies. She never has to listen to any back +talk or criticisms. She is never afraid of this companion getting tired +and running off after flappers. It is only the lucky women, who make +exceptional marriages, who are as well off as the business girls who do +not marry. + +Furthermore, there is this comfort to be given the girl who quits +trying to attract men, and gets busy with her job. Men are contrary +creatures. Pursue them, and they flee from you. Lay traps, and +they walk wide of them. But let them alone, indicate that you are +indifferent to them; that you are concerned with your own affairs in +which they have no part; let them realize that you can get on quite +well without them, and it piques their interest. They come flocking +around of their own accord to see what manner of woman you are. + +Also the girl who makes something of herself, and who rises high in her +profession is thrown with the men at the top, the men of brains, and +they are often attracted to her while the silly little boys with whom +she used to play about were not. + +So I say again to the girls who are not attractive to men, stop wasting +your time in the useless attempt to vamp men. Put your heart and your +soul into your job. Work is the consolation prize God gives us when we +miss getting the thing we wanted most. + + + + +L + +LOST LOVE + + +Many women ask me how they can regain the love of some man which they +have lost. Sometimes, a girl tells me, weeping, of a once ardent lover +who has become cold and neglectful, who no longer comes to see her, and +she wants to know how to bring him back, and make him once more crazy +about her. + +Oftenest, however, it is a wife who seeks desperately for some magic +whereby she can light again the love fires in the heart of a husband +who has ceased to care for her, who is tired of her, and who does not +even take the trouble to hide from her the fact that he regards her as +a burden, of which he would rid himself if he could. + +It is the tragedy of these women that they are doomed to love men +after the men no longer love them. Not even neglect, and insult, and +faithlessness, kill their affection for those on whom they have set +their foolish, doglike hearts. So they cling with desperate hands to +the men who are trying to break away from them, hoping against hope, +praying some miracle will happen that will give them back their lost +love. + +But their prayers are never answered. The miracle never happens. No +sorcerer can teach a woman how to weave a spell a second time about +a man. The love potions that the credulous buy from fortune tellers, +never work, and though a woman conjure never so deftly, she cannot +bring back the heart that has slipped out of her keeping. + +For of all dead things, nothing is so dead as dead love. No power can +breathe into it again the breath of life, and make it a vital thing +once more. + +We do not know why we love. We do not know why some particular man or +woman makes a peculiar appeal that makes us prefer him or her to all +the other men and women in the world. We do not know why the touch +of certain hands thrill us; why the quirk of a smile, or the look in +an eye, draws us; why we have a sense of comradeship with certain +individuals; why some man or woman fascinates us; or why we desire +one man or woman more than another, who may be better looking, more +intelligent, more worthy in every way. + +Nor do we any more know why we cease to love than we know why we love. +We do not know why the touch of the hand that has thrilled us ceases +to thrill; nor why the charm that was once so potent vanishes into +thin air, nor why the fascination flees, and the one who once held us +enthralled becomes a bore who wearies us to tears. It just happens, +and we are as helpless before one situation as before the other. + +There are not many men who are cruel enough to find sport in breaking +a woman’s heart, and who deliberately win a girl’s love, and play with +it, and fling it away. There are not many husbands who would not remain +their wives’ eternal lovers, if it was in their power to control their +affections. That was their romantic dream when they married. That way +their happiness lay, and they would have kept their romance had it been +a matter of their own volition. + +Unfortunately, the disillusion came. The glory and the circling wings +departed. Somehow their wives lost their allure for them, and strive +as they might, they could not see them again with the eyes of a lover, +or bring back their charm. Many a man would be just as glad to fall in +love again with his wife as she would be to have him fall in love with +her once more, but he cannot do it. You cannot fan dead ashes into a +flame. + +Perhaps if wives realized how impossible it is to resurrect a dead +love, they would guard the living love more carefully, and run fewer +risks of killing it. They would not take the chance of disillusioning +their husbands by going about sloppy and slovenly at home, and thus +presenting a fatal contrast to the trimly dressed women in their +offices, and the beautified ladies they meet in society. They would +reflect that no man would have much appetite for domestic kisses when +flavored with cold cream, and that if a wife wishes to be regarded as +a ladylove, she must look the part instead of resembling a sack of +potatoes. + +And they would see to it that love is not assassinated on their +hearthstones by ceaseless, senseless quarrels, by whining, and +complaining, and nagging, and petty tyrannies. Nor would they permit +love to die of that commonest and most deadly ailment, boredom. For if +a woman can interest her husband enough before marriage to make him +pick her out from all the rest of the world for his life partner, she +can interest him enough to hold him until the end of the chapter if she +is willing to take the trouble and perform the labor necessary to do so. + +If, though, a woman, through carelessness or ignorance, has lost the +love of the man she loves, there is absolutely no way in which she can +win it back. Through duty or a sense of honor she may hold his body, +but his soul has gone from her forever, and she is wise if she accepts +the inevitable. + +If she is a girl, she should let the sweetheart who is tired of her go, +instead of trying to hold him. Some other man she may make love her, +but not the old one for whom she has lost her charm. + +If she is a married woman whose husband has ceased to love her, let +her agonize no more over the impossible task of reviving his passion +for her. Let her fill her life with other interests and thank God that +there are so many other pleasant things in the world besides love. + +For of this she may rest assured. There is no reviving of dead love. +When once we have lost our taste for a person everything is over. It is +finished, as the French say. + + + + +LI + +THE SHOW WEDDING + + +The Turks have passed a law prohibiting elaborate and costly +marriage ceremonials, and forbidding the giving of expensive wedding +presents. What a pity that we cannot have such an edict issued in +this country! For there is no other one thing that would do more to +allay heartburnings and jealousies, prevent nervous prostration and +bankruptcy, and promote peace and thrift than to officially “can” the +show wedding. + +In all fairness, we must admit that the display wedding is a feminine +vice. No man, probably, ever really yearned to make a public exhibition +of himself as he was being led as a lamb to the slaughter. But by the +time she is ten years old the average girl has begun planning her +wedding and deciding whether she will have a big church affair, with +ushers and flower girls and ring-bearers and maids and matrons of honor +and bridesmaids and a white satin dress and a real lace veil, and +all the other flubdubs, or whether she will be married at home under +a floral canopy, with an admiring audience fenced off from her by +white ribbons. And to realize this ten-minute splurge she is ready to +ruthlessly ruin her family and half kill herself. If she doesn’t get +it, she goes through life feeling that she has missed her big moment. +It is from this silly, dopey daydream that women should be rescued by +law, since few of them have the common sense and good taste to put it +aside themselves. + +To begin with, it would do away with the disgraceful, barefaced holdups +that precede weddings. These are camouflaged under the appropriate +name of “showers,” for they cause every friend of an engaged girl to +shed salt and bitter tears at the realization of how much they will be +mulcted for in silk-stocking showers, and handkerchief showers, and +towel showers, and kitchen showers, and all the other showers that +go to make up a bridal deluge. It would also prevent that sinking +feeling at the pit of the stomach with which we are attacked at sight +of a large, thick white envelope in the mail. We know that it means a +“stand-and-deliver” present, which somehow always comes just at a time +when the rent is overdue, or a doctor bill has to be paid, or we had +saved up a little money by pinching economies to buy a new hat or suit. + +It isn’t that we are stingy or mean, or that we begrudge a gift to a +friend. It is only that we would like to give when we can do so freely, +and enjoy the giving, instead of having to give at a time when it is +actually dishonest to bestow a present. Why, I have known people who +had to put off needed dental work or taking a sick child to the country +when three or four wedding presents fell together. The wedding gift +was a debt of honor. “They sent us a set of salad forks.” “She gave us +a clock when we were married,” and it had to be returned in kind. The +abolition of the show wedding would prolong the days of many a poor, +old, hard-worked father, whose daughter’s trousseau is the straw that +breaks the camel’s back. + +It is not because she needs them, or has any use for them, that +Sally Ann, who is a poor girl marrying a poor young man, has to have +piles of orchid chiffon undergarments, hand-embroidered and belaced +and beribboned. It is because they are to be displayed to her catty +friends, who will finger them, and appraise them, and criticize them, +and then go home wondering how her father is ever going to pay for +them. If her lingerie were not Exhibit A at the wedding Sally Ann would +go along and provide herself with a reasonable amount of underwear that +would stand wear and washing, and not run papa into debt. + +But Sally Ann has to have her show wedding. She has to trail up the +church aisle in her white satin and her tulle veil, and all the rest +of it. And by the time father has paid for the church and the flowers, +and the bridesmaid’s presents, and the reception, and the automobiles, +he has had to borrow money at the bank and has saddled himself with a +debt that bends his back a little more, and puts new lines in his face, +and adds to his burden in work and worry, which was already more than +he could bear. And it has all been for a few minutes’ flaunting of +herself in the face of an audience of people who smiled and nudged each +other, and said: “Did you ever see her look so homely? Brides always +look their worst.” “Wonder what he ever saw in her to make him pick her +out.” “Is that the bridegroom? Looks like a scared rabbit.” “How on +earth do you suppose her father will ever pay for this? Everybody knows +he can’t afford it,” and so on, and so on. Just what everybody says at +a wedding. + +Above all, the abolition of the show wedding and the saving of the +foolish expenditure it involved would enable many a young couple to set +up housekeeping out of debt; and, best of all, they would begin life +simply and honestly, and with the admiration and gratitude of all who +know them. Getting married is the crucial act in a man’s and woman’s +life. It is the most awful and solemn thing they ever do. And why they +want to have a thousand curious eyes peering at them when they take the +step that is going to plunge them into hell or lift them into heaven +passes comprehension. It would not be more incongruous to send out +invitations to people to come and watch you die than it is to come and +see you married. + +Wise that young couple who simply slip around to the parson and make +their vows at the altar, with no one but God to look on. + + + + +LII + +WHEN YOUR CHILDREN ARE GLAD YOU DIE + + +Parents seem to run to extremes. Of the common, or garden, variety +of fathers and mothers there appears to be two types. One is the +overindulgent, which lavishes too much money, too many fine clothes, +too many motorcars on its offspring, and that brings up its children to +be idle and worthless wasters and spenders. The other type of parent is +the Spartan one that is as hard as nails, unsympathetic, close-fisted; +that denies its children every indulgence, and that holds to the theory +that the harder it makes life for the young the better it is for them. +Both schools of thought are wrong. + +Undoubtedly, parents make a very great mistake when they sacrifice +everything to their children and make doormats of themselves for their +children to walk on. They weaken their sons and daughters by pampering +them too much and by standing between them and the struggle that alone +makes muscle of body and soul, and they do their children a cruel +injustice by cultivating in them extravagant tastes and habits that +perhaps they cannot later on give them the money to gratify. Certainly +it is an unedifying spectacle to behold, as we often do, a mother in +patched, made-over clothes, while her daughters fare forth in the +latest imported Parisian models, or a seedy father riding on the street +car while son burns up the road in a speedy sports car and is decked +out like Solomon in all his glory. + +Also we can but deplore the folly of parents who skimp, and slave, and +deny themselves every comfort in order that their daughters can make +a splurge in society, and that their sons may loaf through college +courses, where they acquire nothing but a college yell and a contempt +for their hump-shouldered old dads. We could weep when we see tired +old women who are converted into unpaid nursemaids by their married +daughters who are always coming in and dumping their babies down on +mother when they want to go off on a trip or play bridge. And what +tears we have left we could shed over the men whose sons are always +getting into trouble and coming back to father for help when they know +that they are robbing him of the pittance he has saved up for his old +age. + +But between doing everything for your children and doing nothing at all +for them is a long step, and the parents who do not help their children +to get a start in life fail just as much in doing their duty to them as +do the foolishly fond parents who kill their children’s initiative by +swaddling them in cotton wool. Of course, necessity is a grim teacher. +If you chuck a child into the water where it must sink or swim, it is +pretty apt to strike out and keep afloat somehow. And it is true that +a great many successful men and women are the children of parents who +were so poor that they could do nothing for them, and that they fought +their way to an education and battled their way to success against all +sorts of hardships. But there is a great difference between the parents +who cannot help their children and those who will not help their +children, between the fathers and mothers who would give their heart’s +blood to their children and those who will not give them a few dollars. +And while the children may feel all love and reverence for the poor +parents who were powerless to assist them, they can but feel bitter +resentment toward the parents who stand callously by, watching their +struggles without holding out a helping hand. + +A large number of parents have an idea that it does young people good +to be deprived of pleasures, to be reared to no indulgences, to know +hardships. And so even when they have plenty of money they deny their +children pretty clothes and the advantages of education and travel, and +when they get married they let them scuffle for themselves. They do not +give the girl a dowry nor set the boy up in business. + +It seems to me that this is a cruel and an inhuman thing to do, and +that it serves no purpose but to kill in the child’s breast every +particle of affection it had for its father and mother. For it dooms +the children to years of struggle and self-sacrifice, pinching +economies and anxieties that it might so easily have escaped. And God +knows that life is not so easy for any of us that we can afford to have +any of the pleasure taken out of it. + +It also often shuts the door of opportunity for the child or puts off +success for many weary years. The few thousands of dollars that father +might have invested in the firm which would have raised Tom from being +a clerk to a partner might have carried him on to fortune. If father +would have financed the extra course of study in his profession for +John, he would have achieved success and begun big money making years +before he did. If father had given Mary an allowance big enough to +hire servants, she would not have worked herself to death cooking, and +washing, and baby tending. But father wouldn’t do it. He held on to +every penny and let his children fight it out the best way they could. +The daughter of such a man once said to me: + +“My father is dead and I have inherited a large fortune, but it has +come to me too late to do me any real good. When I was a girl I never +had any pretty clothes. I never had a nice home to invite my friends +to. I never had any indulgences. I never could even go with the people +I was entitled to go with because I did not live in the style they did. +I married a poor man and my father never helped us. I wore my youth out +in housework that I was not strong enough to do. If he had given me +$10,000 when I needed it, it would have done me more good than all that +I have inherited does me now.” + +The moral of all of which is, do not sacrifice yourself to your +children; do not impoverish yourself for them, but help than all you +can while they are young and while they need it, if you do not wish +them to be glad when you are dead and your will is read. + + + + +LIII + +WHAT PRICE PLEASURE? + + +Do you ever ask yourself if you are not paying too high a price for +many of the things in which you indulge yourself? So far as material +things go, most of us are keen enough about seeing that we get our +money’s worth. We do not pay a thousand dollars for a string of glass +beads. We do not buy a battered flivver at Rolls Royce figures, nor +will we stand being charged banquet prices for a corned beef and +cabbage dinner. + +When it comes to spiritual values, however, we lose all sense of +proportion. We become spendthrifts, who throw our priceless treasures +away, and we literally sell our birthrights for a mess of pottage. One +thinks of this particularly just now when one watches so many young +persons making such bad and losing bargains with fate. There are the +boys scarcely out of their teens who think it is such a sporting thing, +so dashing, and that it shows that they are such men of the world to +carry flasks on their hips and drink the vile poison that bootleggers +sell. For the sake of the kick they get out of this and for a few +minutes’ exhilaration, they are risking not only death itself, but what +is far, far worse, blindness and imbecility and every sort of nervous +ailment. + +Look at the pasty-faced, blear-eyed youths with shaking hands that you +see all about you, their minds dulled, their energies paralyzed, their +ambitions killed by drink; who are done with life before they have ever +begun to live. What a price they have paid for booze! Can any boy look +at a drunken sot, dirty, poor, despised, and think that the pleasure +that he has got out of drink has paid for what it cost him? + +And the girls. The girls who are mad for gaiety, crazy for the +admiration of men; the girls who go on drinking parties, who indulge +in petting parties, who joy-ride until all hours of the night, who let +men kiss and fondle them because that is the price that men demand +for taking them out. How cheaply they sell themselves! Many a girl +pays with shame and disgrace that follow her to the longest day she +lives for a single wild party. They buy their fun high, these girls +who exchange for it their self-respect, their modesty, their maidenly +innocence and their good names. + +The family quarrel. That is a domestic luxury for which we have to +pay so dearly that it is never worth the cost. Undoubtedly, when one +is feeling cross, and irritable, and disgruntled, there is a certain +luxury in letting go all of one’s self-control, and turning one’s +temper loose, and stabbing right and left with cruel words that wound +like dagger thrusts. Also it salves one’s own conscience to lay the +blame for everything that goes wrong on some one else. Therefore, many +husbands and wives go on a daily orgy of nerves and temper. They vent +their spleen against life on each other. They say to each other all the +mean and hateful things that they are too politic to say to strangers. + +But the price they pay! It bankrupts them. For they kill each other’s +love. They slay each other’s respect. They inevitably come to hate each +other and to cherish secret grudges, born of insult and injustice. +There is no peace nor tenderness in their homes and their marriages +either end in divorce or become long drawn out misery. What a price to +pay for the lack of a little self-control! + +Extravagance. The price of indulging yourself in your youth in the +things that you cannot afford is poverty and dependence in your old +age. The woman who cannot resist pretty clothes. The woman who is +bitten by the society bug and who tries to keep up with people better +off than she is. The man who belongs to lodges, when he can’t pay the +rent collector. The man who buys an automobile and a radio on the +instalment plan. They will pay, as sure as fate, for gratifying the +desire of the moment by long years of bitter dependence. Twenty or +thirty years from now they will be down and out, and they will either +be in almshouses or the hangers on of relatives, who resent having to +take care of Poor Uncle John or Cousin Susan. Or they will be burdens +on their children, who are having all they can do to take care of their +own families. + +The highest priced cars in the world are not the gold-plated, +satin-lined jewel boxes made for millionaires. They are the cheap +little cars bought by the people who cannot afford them and who have to +go into debt for them. + +And there is the price the lazy pay for shiftlessness. And the price +the mother pays who lets her children roam the streets while she plays +bridge or goes to clubs. And the price the sarcastic pay who alienate +a friend for the sake of making a witty speech. There are a thousand +other little gratifications of a mood or inclination, the desire of a +moment, that we pay for with tears, with loneliness, with failure, with +our very heart’s blood. What a pity we don’t count the cost of things +before we indulge ourselves in them! + + + + +LIV + +THE IDEAL MOTHER + + +A woman asks: “What qualities should the ideal mother possess?” + +To begin with, a mother should have love, and tenderness, and sympathy, +and be willing to sacrifice herself for her children. These are the +stock virtues of motherhood, and virtually all mothers possess them. +But they alone do not make a woman a good mother. Often they do as +much harm as good, for you can ruin a child by blind devotion. You +can enfeeble it by too much tenderness. You can make it a selfish +egotist and an overbearing brute by making yourself a doormat for it +to walk over. So to love, tenderness, sympathy and unselfishness the +ideal mother must add other qualities, and the most important of these +is the ability to see her job as a whole and to realize that she is +responsible for the finished goods that she turns out. + +Not many mothers have this vision; or, rather, they shut their eyes +and refuse to see that the molding of their children’s characters, +the settling of their destinies, is in their own hands. They let a +high-tempered child grow up undisciplined and without teaching it any +self-control. They let a slothful, lazy one grow up without forming +habits of industry. They never teach a self-indulgent, greedy child to +curb its appetite. They spoil and pamper their children, and then they +say that they “hope” their children will turn out all right! + +The ideal mother knows that you form children’s characters in the +cradle, and so she does not trust to luck with her youngsters. She +begins when they are babies to teach them self-control, and thrift, +and industry, and all the principles of right living. The ideal mother +must have a backbone. Unfortunately, most mothers permit their hearts +to crowd out their spinal column until they have no more backbone than +a fishing worm. This is why you hear women say despairingly that they +can’t do a thing with their 10-year-old child. + +It takes nerve, and grit, and determination, and courage to fight +self-willed youngsters, and mother is too soft to do it. So she gives +in rather than listen to her baby’s howls of rage or go through the +struggle of conquering a disobedient child. And the inevitable result +is that her children have a contempt for her as a weakling, and ride +roughshod over her, and become the outbreaking young hoodlums who fill +our jails and brothels. + +The ideal mother is a human being. She doesn’t pose before her children +as a plaster saint or an oracle on a pedestal. One of the reasons why +children do not confide in their parents is because the average father +and mother pretend that they were such models of all the virtues when +they were young that their children feel they have nothing in common +with them and that they wouldn’t understand how a boy or girl feels who +wants to do all sorts of foolish things. + +How can a girl tell her mother that a boy kissed her, if mother +represents herself as Miss Prunes and Prisms, and says that when _she_ +was young girls never skylarked, and never went on joy-rides or to +cabarets, or held hands in the movies, but spent a pleasant evening +sitting up in the parlor in the presence of their elders discussing +improving topics? + +It is the human mothers who can sympathize with their children’s desire +for good times and help them to them; who will stretch a point to get +a girl a new frock or a boy the fraternity pin he craves, who get well +enough acquainted with their children to really help them and guard +them. + +The ideal mother has a sense of proportion. She doesn’t see her +ducklings as swans. Her love doesn’t blind her to her children’s faults +and blemishes. Rather it sharpens her vision, so that she gets a line +on them as they really are. Thereby she is enabled to help them make +the most of such gifts as they have. She sees that Tom is brilliant +but unstable and lacking in purpose, and she holds him to whatever he +undertakes to do until she forms the habit of steadfastness in him. +She sees that John is dull but a plodder, and she trains him for some +occupation in which quickness of mind is not demanded and in which +the prizes go to faithfulness and hard work. She sees that Mary is +intelligent but homely, and lacking the charms that allure men, so +she gives her some occupation by which she can make a good living for +herself and which will fill her life with interest. And this sense of +proportion keeps her from making her children ridiculous by bragging +about them, and boring every one with whom she comes in contact with +endless stories of what wonderful and marvelous creatures they are, +and how, wherever they go, they are the cynosure of all eyes and the +admiration of all beholders. + +Finally, the ideal mother should have a sense of humor that will enable +her to laugh instead of cry over many of her children’s peccadilloes +and keep her from taking them too seriously. For the thing that ails +young people is chiefly youth, and they will get over that if you +will give them a little time. Because they are idle, irresponsible, +pleasure-loving, dance-mad, girl and boy crazy is no reason for +prophesying dismal things about them and wringing your hands in +despair. It is a passing phase of life at which we elders may well +grin, remembering the time when we also were young and foolish. An old +woman who had raised up a remarkable family of sons and daughters once +gave me this as her recipe for bringing up children: “Kiss them when +they are good. Spank them when they’re bad and teach them to obey you.” +That is the whole of the law and the prophets. + + + + +LV + +HOW TO CATCH A WIFE + + +“You are always telling girls how to catch husbands,” says a young man. +“Why don’t you give us chaps a few tips about how to get wives?” + +Well, son, perhaps I unconsciously favor women because I belong to +their lodge. Also, it is more difficult for a woman to catch a husband +than it is for a man to get a wife, not only because women are more +inclined to matrimony than men are, but because a woman’s pursuit of +a man has to be stealthy and secret and under cover, with all of her +tracks carefully hidden and her purposes veiled, whereas a man can go +after a woman openly and aboveboard, with everybody looking on and +applauding the chase. Therefore, the woman is more in need of any stray +hints that may improve her technique than the man is. Still, far be it +from me to withhold from my brothers any information I may have about +the short cuts to the feminine heart. So to the really earnest seeker +after knowledge on this subject I would say: + +First. Study your girl. Catalogue her. Find out to what type she +belongs and adapt your tactics to the situation, for all women no more +rise to the same line of courtship than all fish bite at the same bait. +There are some feminine hearts that can only be taken by assault and +battery and others that surrender to patient siege. There are women +whose love is for sale to the highest bidder and others who bestow it +in pity. There are women who like a business proposition and women who +fall only for the romantic wooing. So there you are, and your success +will depend upon your ability to psychoanalyze the particular woman and +upon the skill with which you suggest to her that you are the great +unsatisfied need of her soul. + +If the girl is of the clear-eyed, upstanding, competent business +type, your best method of winning her is by the good, old, well-tried +Platonic friendship method. She isn’t anxious to exchange a mahogany +desk for a kitchen range nor to give up a good pay envelope and an easy +job to toil for some man for nothing. Likewise, she has worked with men +too long for her to see any rosy halo around the masculine brow, so +she is pretty apt to shy off at any suggestion of marriage and balk at +the thought of the altar. But life lacks savor to every woman without +masculine society, and so this particular type of woman is especially +allured by the idea of a beautiful and satisfying friendship with some +man. And when a chap has got his toe that far into the door to a +woman’s heart it is his own fault if he does not open it all the way. + +Only there is this word of warning: Never pop the question to the +business girl in the morning of a sunshiny day when she has on a new +frock and a good hat and everything is going swimmingly at the office +and she feels fit and fine and ready to buck the world. Instead, choose +a rainy evening, when she is sitting alone at home, dejected and +forlorn, when she is tired and the boss has been grumpy. Then the thing +she wants most on earth is just a nice, strong masculine shoulder to +cry on. + +If the girl you want is a flapper, your best ally is your bankbook. All +you need to look good to her is to be a good spender and a fast worker. +Hold not your hand and count not the cost of jewelry and trinketry and +candy and flowers and cabarets and eats and joy-rides, and remember +that the man with the longest purse wins. Some day she will jazz with +you to the preacher, and you will live scrappily ever afterward. + +If the girl upon whom your affections are set is a demure little +Puritan, make her your Mother Confessor. Confide to her all your sins, +real and imaginary. Invent a dark past for her benefit. Make her +believe that but for her Sacred Influence you would become an abandoned +character and that she alone can lead you up to the higher life. All +women have the reformation complex, and the better they are and the +less they know of the world the harder they fall for the belief that a +grown man’s character is like a piece of dough that they can mold into +any shape they please. Once let a girl get the idea into her head that +she is responsible for your soul, and she is yours for the taking. + +If the girl you want is one that you made mud pies with in childhood +and went to school with, and who refuses to see you in a sentimental +light, don’t be discouraged by her telling you that she will be a +sister to you. Just keep right on strutting your Rachel-and-Jacob +stuff. Mighty few women can resist that. Make yourself a habit with the +girl. Make yourself necessary to her happiness and comfort by always +paying her the little attentions that women like. Fetch and carry for +her. Be the one person in the world she can always depend upon to make +life pleasant and agreeable for her. + +Then suddenly drop her cold. Begin paying furious attentions to some +woman she always accuses of being made up and older than she looks and +an artful hussy, and it is a hundred-to-one bet that she will call you +back and let you see that her feelings toward you were not at all what +she had supposed they were. For when she thinks you are about to marry +another woman she will wake up to the fact that life will be cinders, +ashes and dust without you. + +If the girl you desire is one of the morbid sort who hangs between “I +will” and “I won’t,” who is always vivisecting her heart and taking +her emotional temperature, what you need to use is caveman methods. +She is just dying to have you drag her to the altar by the hair of her +head, and if you are half a man you will do it. Don’t ever ask that +kind of a woman to marry you. Tell her you are going to marry her and +that you have the license and the ring in your pocket and are on the +way to the chapel with her, and you will give her a thrill that will +last a lifetime. + +These are only a few of the many ways to win a wife. It is dead easy, +and any man can do it who has gumption enough to work out a cross-word +puzzle. + + + + +LVI + +DANGEROUS GIRLS + + +Chief among the women from whom a young man should pray his guardian +angel to deliver him is the Hinting Girl. She is a gentle grafter who +holds up every man she meets with a pair of innocent-looking blue eyes +that bid him stand and deliver just as effectually and efficiently as +if he were looking down the barrels of a couple of blue-nosed revolvers +in the hands of a highway robber. You will find these cheerful +workers, son, where you least expect them. The very highest society is +filled with girls of undisputed position and unquestioned morals, who +ruthlessly plunder every man they meet, and you will never encounter an +individual more to be feared than these bandits of the parlor. + +Did you ever wonder why one girl receives so many more presents than +another, and why every man who passes lays some offering on her shrine? +Take it from me, this is the result of science and not mere chance. +Observe, closely, and you will see, when you call, that she steers the +conversation artfully around to the latest play, and before you know it +you have offered to take her to it. + +Also, she has let you know that violets are her favorite flower, and +the date of her birthday. Before Christmas she artlessly confides +in you where there is the jeweled vanity, or the hand-painted fan, +that she has set her heart upon, and she couldn’t shout it at you any +plainer if she bawled it to you through a megaphone that she expects +you to come across, and will think you a piker if you don’t. + +Beware the Hinting Girl, son. She is the woman who is accessory before +the crime of half of the embezzlements of trusted clerks who go wrong, +and who, if she got her deserts, would stand in the prisoners’ dock +by the side of the poor, weak, trembling boy who has stolen to buy +her jewels or to give her a good time. And she makes the sort of wife +whose husband rises up and sits down to a never-ending chant of “Gimme! +Gimme! Gimme!” + +Then there’s the Girl With a Past. Very often she has been more sinned +against than sinning. Probably her morals are just as good as your +own, son; but, even so, such marriages rarely turn out happily. For we +have to face the naked fact that, while a man may love a woman well +enough to forget and forgive her indiscretions, society, which is not +in love with her, remembers them all. And it reminds her husband that +it recalls them. The man who marries a Woman With a Past is pretty +much in the same fix as the man who hires a reformed embezzler to be +his cashier. He hopes he will run straight, but he keeps an eye on +the cash box—a situation which doesn’t make for domestic felicity. Of +course, there are women who reform and gather in their wild oats crops +and ever after raise nothing but garden truck around their doorstep, +but even while their husbands are devouring their domestic cabbages +and onions there rarely comes a family spat in which they do not throw +in their wives’ teeth the kind of farmers they have been. The truth +is that it takes a big man and woman to defy the conventions. That is +what makes it safest for those of us who are little people to play the +game according to the rules laid down by Hoyle. And one of these rules +is that women must keep their skirts clean. By and large it is a good +rule, son, for it means the purity of race, the integrity of society +and a lot of other things that keep this old world going. + +Then there’s the Weeping Girl. Whenever you meet with a gentle, +sweet, soft, babyish-looking little girl, with a chin that trembles +and big eyes that overflow with tears at the slightest provocation, +and who can cry without her nose getting red, fly, son, fly. She will +fasten herself upon you, and when you try to make a getaway she will +cling to you and weep. And no man can behold unmoved a woman crying +for him, because he is such a good thing. You will stop to wipe her +eyes; and all will be over with you except the long, long years of +rainy matrimony when you will have to deal with a wife who cannot be +reasoned with or cajoled or coerced into doing anything she doesn’t +want to do, because you will be so afraid of starting another freshet +of tears. + +Then there’s the Domestic Girl, who baits her hook with angels’ food. +You might go farther and do worse than marry the Domestic Girl, for +while romance is transient one’s appetite remains, and after one’s +illusions are gone it is a comfortable thing to have a good dinner to +fall back upon. Still, one must confess, the Domestic Girl is apt to +have only a bread-and-butter conversation, of which a man might tire +in time; so, unless your stomach is developed in excess of your heart, +walk warily when the Domestic Girl begins to inveigle you into little +meals for two that she cooks for you under a pink-shaded lamp. + +Lastly, there is the girl who is just near you—the girl you work with, +or who lives in the same boarding house with you, or who comes to visit +your sister. Men who have escaped the dangers of all other women are +the victims of propinquity which unites them to ladies they couldn’t +otherwise have seen through a telescope. Somehow our very nearness to +the people with whom we are thrown every day keeps us from getting a +perspective on their faults and disabilities, and habit deceives us +into thinking that they are more necessary to us than they are. And so +we drift into the mismated marriages that keep the divorce courts busy +and the world salted down with the brine of our tears. + +Therefore, if you perceive that Mamie, whom you thought vulgar at +first, no longer gets on your nerves; if you observe that Sadie, who +bored you when you first met her, is beginning to interest you with her +chatter about what “he said” and “I said,” and you discover that you +have quit being shocked by Carrie’s gum-chewing and Mabel’s grammar, +then, son, pack your trunk and leave while the leaving is good. +Otherwise, the Girl Next to You will get you sure. + +But why amplify the list? Some day a girl will tag you, and you will +know you are “it,” and a million warnings could not save you from your +fate. + + + + +LVII + +WHEN A GIRL LOVES A MAN + + +A youth asks me how he can tell whether a girl loves him or not. Well, +son, you can’t always tell. There are times when all signs fail, and +there is no man so clever, so discerning, so sophisticated that a +woman cannot fool him if she set her mind to doing so. For the many +generations in which women were entirely subservient to men, and in +which they had to get everything they had out of men, and in which +all their pleasures and perquisites depended on their wheedling and +cajoling men, have made them gifted liars and adept at befooling men. + +However, the modern girl, being able to make her own living, and stand +upon her own feet, and therefore being to a large degree independent of +men, has less need to simulate emotions which she does not feel, and +so she has lost the fine technique of her mother and her grandmother +and her great-great-great grandmother. Flirting has become a lost +art, and the methods of the gold-digger are so crude and raw that any +man who is taken in by one deserves all he gets. The average girl is +almost brutally frank about the state of her feelings. She hasn’t even +subtlety enough about her to keep a man guessing. + +But there is, of course, a sort of no-man’s land that lies between +liking and loving in which the girl wanders, herself as uncertain and +bewildered as you are. And, I take it, it is across this dangerous +terrain that you wish to be guided. Sally is dear and sweet to you. +She apparently enjoys your society, and you never have any trouble in +making dates with her. She is the best little pal ever. But what you +want to know is whether she cares for you just as she does for half a +dozen other chaps, or whether you are the ONLY ONE. + +First, Is she willing to sit at home of an evening with you or not? +If she comes down with her hat on to receive you, or if she always +wants to step out somewhere, you have not touched her heart. She +regards you merely as a purveyor of good times, a theater ticket and +a dancing partner, and any other youth who had the price would do as +well. But things have got serious with her when she proposes to spend +the evening at home under a pink-shaded lamp. That shows that she has +begun to live a romance with more thrills to it than anything she can +see depicted on the stage, and that she thinks that Valentino is a poor +dub at love-making compared to you. Also it indicates that she desires +to isolate you, to cut you out from the herd and put her brand upon +you. Cupid is essentially a monopolist. Especially the Lady Cupid. The +first thing that a woman does when she falls in love with a man is to +try to shut him away from all other women. So long as a girl wants to +go in crowds there is nothing doing with her in the love line. If she +really cares for you, she will maneuver to get you off to herself. + +Next. Observe how a girl treats your pocketbook. If she gets everything +out of you that she can; if, when you go out, she has to have a taxi +to convey her three blocks, although she can walk ten miles around a +department store without turning a hair; if she always suggests orchids +when flowers are mentioned, and invariably picks out the most expensive +places to dance and the highest-priced dishes on the menu, you may be +certain that she has no serious intentions concerning you. You are +merely the good thing that a merciful Providence has brought forward +for her sustenance. But when a girl begins to talk economy to a boy; +when she suggests going to the movies instead of to the theatre; when +she orders a ham sandwich instead of a chicken breast and mushrooms +under glass, it is an unmistakable sign that she is regarding his +bankroll as her own and is commencing to save up for furniture for her +future home. + +Next—and this is an acid test—talk to the girl about yourself and +observe her reaction to it. Monologue along to her by the hour about +what you are doing, about what you have done in the past and what you +expect to do in the future. Tell her all about what you said to the +boss and what the boss said to you. Explain to her all the details of +the grocery business. Regale her with reminiscences of your childhood, +when you were a fat little boy with green freckles on your hands. + +If she yawns in your face or if she listens with the expression of a +martyr being nailed to the cross; if she gets up and walks around the +room or turns on the radio or interrupts you to ask what you think +of the President’s foreign policy, you may as well abandon hope. Her +affection is merely gold plated, not the real thing. But if she laps up +your talk about yourself and asks for more; if she begs you to repeat +that darling story of how naughty you were to your nurse, and if she +sits, goggle-eyed with excitement, on the edge of her chair while you +relate how you sold a bill of goods to a hard customer, rest assured +that her heart is yours for keeps. For there are only two women in the +world, a man’s mother and the woman who is his wife or hopes to be his +wife, who want to hear him talk about himself. + +Take note also of a girl’s attitude toward you. As long as she regards +you as an intelligent, husky, able-bodied man, capable of taking care +of yourself and with sense enough to come in out of the rain, her +regard for you is merely platonic. But when a girl suddenly becomes +anxious about the state of your health, when she worries over your +getting your feet wet and is afraid you are not getting enough +vitamines in your diet, when she warns you not to forget to put on your +overcoat if it is cold and to look out for automobiles when you cross +the street, then it is safe to begin pricing engagement rings. + +Of course, there are other signs of love, such as a girl developing an +acute attack of domesticity and passing up the display of French frocks +in a window for that of aluminum pots and pans, and especially when she +begins dragging a man to church with her, which are not to be ignored. +But when a maiden begins to mother a chap and indicates that her idea +of spending a perfectly hilarious evening is just to be alone with him, +listening to him talk about himself, she is his for the taking. + + + + +LVIII + +MARRIAGE LESSONS + + +What has marriage taught you? + +“The chief thing that marriage has taught me,” said a man who has +had forty years of experience in matrimony, “is that women are human +beings. When a man acquires that piece of information it always gives +him a bit of a jolt, for most men never really think of women as +human beings at all. They think, according to their kind, of women +as angels, above all earthly passions, with no nerves or tempers, or +selfish cravings for pleasure and who find their joy in life in loving +the unlovable and forgiving the unforgivable and being a sweet, gooey, +sticky mass of gentleness and patience and unselfishness. Or they think +of women as being baby dolls to be dressed up and played with and put +on the shelf when they are tired of them. Or they think of women as +pieces of household machinery—sort of automatic, self-starting cooks +and carpet sweepers and washers and menders, who run on their own power +and who don’t even have to be oiled up with a few lubricating words of +praise now and then. + +“And so husbands treat their wives according to their conception of +what women are, and that is why marriage is so often a failure and why +there are so many divorces. Women don’t want to be regarded either +as saints or toys or domestic conveniences. They want to be treated +as human beings and have their husbands give them the same sort of a +square deal a man gives his business partner. + +“About nine-tenths of the spats that married people have are over +money. It gets on the husband’s nerves to have the woman eternally +dunning him for money. It seems to him that before he gets his hat +off in the evening she begins asking for a few dollars for this and +for that. Then the bills come in, and they are always bigger than he +expected, and he rows about it, and she thinks that he is stingy. + +“The trouble is that the man isn’t treating his wife like a rational +human being. He is expecting her to be a miracle worker and run a house +on air. He is humiliating her and making her feel that he is a tyrant +by making her come like a beggar to him for every penny because he +has got an idea that women don’t mind panhandling. Furthermore, he is +expecting her to gauge her expenditures wisely, when she hasn’t the +faintest idea of what her resources are. + +“I have found out that it saves friction over money to make my wife +as liberal an allowance as I can. I have found out that if you will +explain to a woman just exactly how the financial situation stands +in the family and why you can’t afford the thing she wants she will +not only do without it gladly but cut down her expenses in other ways +and help you to save. It is believing that their husbands are holding +out on them and not splitting fifty-fifty with them that makes women +reckless spenders. + +“And I have found that a man is a fool who lies to his wife. In the +end she always catches up with him, and then she imagines things ten +times worse than they were. If a man telephones his wife that he is +going to stay downtown and meet a customer from Oshkosh and she learns +that he really played poker with the boys she pictures a scene of wild +debauchery and leaps to the conclusion that he is leading the double +life and he never hears the last of it. But if he tells her just what +he is going to do she is so flattered at being trusted and thought +broadminded enough not to begrudge her husband an evening’s pleasure +that she goes to bed and goes to sleep instead of waiting up for him +with a curtain lecture sizzling in her mind. + +“Marriage has taught me that women think more of words than they do of +deeds and that a woman would rather have her husband tell her that he +loves her than to have him work his fingers to the bone for her and +never make her a soft speech. As long as a husband tells his wife how +beautiful she is and how he would like to deck her out in diamonds +and sables she is perfectly content to do without them and wear +hand-me-downs. It is only when she thinks that he doesn’t care whether +she has fine clothes or not that she gets peevish over not having the +finery that other women have. + +“Marriage has taught me that in the family circle the hammer is a +boomerang that returns and annihilates the hammerer. If you knock your +wife’s cooking she says, ‘What’s the use of trying to please you?’ and +makes no effort to improve; but if you praise her dinners she breaks +her neck trying to make them better and better. If you criticize the +size of the bills she revenges herself by buying something that really +cost money; but if you tell her what a help she is to you and what a +marvelous manager, she becomes a nickel-nurser. + +“If you find fault with her hat or her dress, you have to buy her a new +one; but if you tell her how becoming her last year’s costume is and +how it brings out her lines, she will wear it into shreds. Marriage +has taught me that if you let your wife know that you admire her and +appreciate her, that you are grateful to her for all that she does for +you and that you try to do all in your power to make her happy, she +will repay you a thousandfold and there is nothing she won’t do for you +and no fault she won’t overlook in you.” + + + + +LIX + +THE SUPERIOR BUSINESS WOMAN + + +The other day a man killed his beautiful young wife because she was a +better “business man” than he was and made more money. The woman loved +her husband and was good to him. She was ambitious for him. She got +him a job with the people for whom she worked and tried to push him +along and help him in every way. But it simply was not in him to be the +go-getter that she was. She was a success and he was a failure. And in +the frenzy of morbid jealousy that this engendered in him, he slew her. + +Thus vividly do we have brought to our attention one of the new +difficulties that the advent of women into the business world has +injected into the already complicated matrimonial proposition. It +makes the question of how the modern wife can best be a helpmeet to +her husband one that takes a Solomon in petticoats to answer. In olden +times the matter was perfectly simple. The woman who wanted to help +her husband along had only to be a good and thrifty manager, to pare +the potatoes thin enough and squeeze the nickels. She did her part in +building up the family fortunes by saving. But, in many cases to-day, +the old woman’s granddaughter is a crackerjack business woman who +sees that she can help her husband more by earning than by scrimping, +and that she can make more money in one year in business than she +could save in ten years by doing her own housework and wearing shabby +clothes. So, as long as she is working for their common good, the woman +cannot understand why her husband shouldn’t be just as willing for her +to help him by working in an office as in a kitchen, or why the wife +who does brain labor isn’t as good a wife as the one who does manual +labor. + +But the great majority of women who continue to follow any gainful +pursuit after marriage find out that, while there is a new woman who +looks at everything in life from a new angle, there is no new man. +Women have changed in their relationship to man, but men stand pat just +where Adam did when it comes to dealing with women. + +If you will notice, it is only women who prate about equality between +the sexes. Men take no stock in any such heresy. When a man tells a +woman that she is an angel and that he looks up to her and worships +her, it is one of the lover’s perjuries at which Jove laughs. In +reality he doesn’t mean a word of it. The very basic thing on which a +man’s love for a woman is built is his sense of superiority to her. +He wants to feel stronger than she is, wiser than she is, to be more +successful than she is. She must look up to him, revere him, ask his +opinion, be guided by his advice. + +That is why the clinging-vine type of woman is so appealing to men, +and it is why intelligent, big-brained men so often marry morons and +are happy and contented with them. Their silly little wives do not +understand one word in five they say and are no companions to them, but +they satisfy the masculine demand to dominate the woman. When the case +is reversed, as it often is, and when the wife is the more intelligent, +the stronger character—when the gray mare is the better horse and +pulls most of the load—the marriage is invariably unhappy, and the +husband almost invariably either openly or secretly hates his wife. +His love for her is never strong enough to survive the hurt to his +vanity. His sense of inferiority to her keeps his nerves raw, and if +he is dependent upon her it turns his very soul to wormwood and gall. +I have never known a woman who supported her husband who received any +gratitude for it. He would eat her bread, but he did it as a snapping +dog that bites the hand that feeds it. + +There is nothing that fills a woman’s cup of happiness so full and +overflowing as for her husband to achieve a notable success and be +great and famous. She glories in being Mrs. Explorer or Mrs. Engineer +or Mrs. Banker or Mrs. Author, and loves to shine in the reflected +glory. But the deadliest insult you can offer any man is to speak +of him as his wife’s husband and call him Mr. Mary Smith, although +Mary may have written the book of the year or have performed some +achievement that has made the world sit up and take notice of her. + +Perhaps all of this is natural. Perhaps this cosmic urge that the male +has to dominate the female is something instinctive for which he is not +responsible. + +But it makes the woman’s course a hard one to steer, for, curiously +enough, the weak man is often attracted to the strong woman, and there +is something maternal in the strong woman that wants to mother the weak +man and makes her feel that he only needs her to take care of him and +boost him and show him the way to success. + +So the girl who is making a big salary marries the man who is making a +small one, and she tries to supply for him the business sense he lacks +and to galvanize him into a hustle of which he is incapable, and they +live scrappily ever afterward. Yet there is nothing we can do about +it as long as nature goes blundering along putting the brains and +talents of merchants and bankers and trust presidents into a lot of +women’s heads and making plenty of men who would have been wonderful +housekeepers and done perfectly lovely embroidery work if only they +hadn’t got the wrong sex. + + + + +LX + +NEW IDEALS FOR OLD + + +The strangest thing in this age of strange things is the new +relationship that is growing up between the sexes. So many of the +ideals that have ruled us for centuries have been scrapped and swept +into the discard that the boy and girl babies of to-day are virtually +born into a new world where few of the conventions that ruled their +parents survive. Take the matter of financial independence, for +instance. Since the caveman days it has been held that the proper +attitude of woman was one of dependence on her lord and master. The +woman bore the children and kept the house, and the husband provided +the wherewithal to support the family. When a woman had property her +husband took possession of it on the day they were married. Virtually +every lucrative occupation was barred to women. When a man and a woman +went to any place of amusement the man would have been highly insulted +if she had offered to pay any part of the cost of the entertainment. +Man was the purse bearer, and his lordly gesture indicated that he had +the checking account of Mr. Rockefeller and that woman was a dear +little sweetie who was not to bother her poor little foolish head over +the cost of anything. + +To-day the majority of women earn their living before they are married. +Financial independence has become so necessary to their happiness that +one of the potent sources of domestic discord is the inability of the +woman who has had her own pay envelope to do without it and reconcile +herself to taking whatever her husband gives her as recompense for her +hard work as a poor man’s wife. Also husbands are coming more and more +to begrudge spending money on their wives and are demanding oftener +and oftener that the wage-earning girls they marry shall keep on with +their jobs. Likewise, it is a common thing for the young women who go +out with young men to places of amusement to pay their own way and go +fifty-fifty on all expenses. + +This may be fair enough. Certainly, when men and women work side by +side and the woman gets the same salary as the man there is no more +reason why he should feed her and buy her theater tickets than why she +should buy his. Perhaps it is only logical that when woman fought for +and won financial independence she should have to pay the price of her +victory. But what I am trying to show is that man’s attitude toward +woman as regards money has changed. She has shown that she can make her +own living and he lets her do it. Even fathers have now no such sense +of responsibility about providing for their daughters as they used to +have. Men no longer adopt the gallant “I’ll-pay-your-way” pose. They +treat women about money as they would treat another man. Of course, the +occupation of wifehood and motherhood is a strenuous one and is all +that any woman can be expected to do properly, but it is becoming more +and more evident that men are less willing to support their families +and that in the future women are going to have to continue to be +wage-earners even after they are married. + +Another curious shift of masculine thought is about feminine modesty. +In the past, no matter what a man’s own life might have been, he +demanded unsullied innocence in the woman he married. His ideal was the +shrinking violet, the bud with the dew upon it. In these days there are +few peaches with the down still left upon them. They have nearly all +been manhandled. Girls display their bodies with an abandon that would +have made the most hardened woman blush fifty years ago. Debutantes +tell stories that would paralyze their grandmothers if they could hear +them. Young women think no more of kissing every Tom, Dick and Harry +who comes along and in indulging in petting parties and “necking,” than +their mothers would have thought of shaking hands and holding a casual +conversation. Girls excuse themselves for indulging in these dangerous +and degrading practises by saying that unless they do they receive no +attention from men. They speak the truth. Men may still theoretically +admire what they call “the old-fashioned girl,” but they leave her to +spend her evenings with her parents. Few men in these days can hope +to marry a girl who has not been kissed and pawed over, and so it is +obvious that men are changing their opinions about the desirability of +modesty in women and establishing a single standard of conduct for both +sexes. That is just, but it does not make for morality or the uplift of +humanity. + +Men and women both approach marriage in a different spirit. In the back +of most young people’s heads as they march to the altar is the thought +that if they don’t like it they won’t stick to it. It is an experiment, +and they will try anything once, and if it doesn’t come up to what +the novelists and poets have press-agented it to be they can always +fly to the divorce court. That is one reason why marriage is so often +a failure. Neither husband nor wife makes an honest effort to make a +success of it. Of course, there are exceptions to all rules. There are +husbands who gladly support their families; there are girls who have +kept themselves unsullied and their lips virginal; there are men and +women who still hold marriage a sacrament. But for the great majority +of men and women there are new ideals and a new attitude toward each +other. And whether these are better or worse than the old only time can +tell. + + + + +LXI + +WHY DIVORCE IS COMMON + + +When we hear about a couple getting a divorce on the grounds of +incompatibility of temper we instinctively feel that it is too trivial +a reason for breaking up a home and we condemn them as poor sports +who did not have enough grit to carry on and make the best of their +bargain. If it had been something big, now—drunkenness, the drug habit, +infidelity—if the husband had been a brute who beat his wife, or the +wife a virago, we could have sympathized with them. But just to get a +divorce because they didn’t think alike on politics and religion and +hadn’t the same taste in pie. Pooh! Quitters. A yellow streak. We’ve no +pity for them. + +Yet when you come to think of it, is there really anything else in +the whole wide world that comes so near to justifying divorce as +incompatibility of temper? Is there any other such good reason for a +man and woman parting and going their separate ways as the fact that +they have not one thought or desire or interest in common? And is there +any other torture comparable with having to live in intimate daily +contact with a person who continually rubs your fur the wrong way, who +gets on your nerves, who rasps your sensibilities and keeps you in a +perpetual bad humor? It is a lot easier to forgive an occasional big +fault than it is to put up with never-ending petty irritations. The big +sinners at least take a day off from their vices now and then, but the +little sinners who sin against our habits and ideals and conventions +are always on the job. So when you think of this and consider the +difficulties there are in the way of every man and woman who get +married adjusting themselves to each other, you are not surprised that +divorce is so common. You only wonder that it isn’t universal. + +Here are two persons of different sexes, doomed by nature to look at +everything from different standpoints and to react differently to every +situation. Back of them is a different heredity, often a different +race. In their veins flow alien currents of blood. They have been +brought up with different standards, in different schools of thought. +Different habits have been bred in them. They worship different gods +and at different altars and eat different dishes. + +What marvel that such a couple come to grief on the rocks of +incompatibility of temper! The miracle of it is that any of them have +the wit and wisdom to steer around it. But the terrible and pathetic +thing about it is that in hundreds of these cases in which husbands and +wives live a cat-and-dog life and make each other perfectly miserable, +or else break their marriage vows, nobody is really to blame. Each is +perfectly right from his or her standpoint, only they can’t agree. They +can’t adjust themselves to each other. The woman who has been brought +up in a happy-go-lucky household, where the only use any one saw for a +dollar was to spend it as quickly as possible, where meals were movable +feasts that were as likely to happen at one hour as another, is a thorn +in the side of a husband who has been trained from his youth up to make +a fetich of thrift, order and promptness. + +On the other hand, the woman whose mother has brought her up to make +a sacred rite of cleanliness and who scrubs the back of every kitchen +shelf and regards a chair out of place or ashes on the rug as a high +crime and misdemeanor, is fretted into nervous prostration by a husband +who never can be taught to wipe his feet on the doormat or kept from +mussing up the best sofa cushion. + +There are women who die of broken hearts, frozen to death by the +coldness of their husbands. They have come from warm-hearted, +demonstrative families. They have been accustomed to having a fuss made +over them and to seeing their father’s loverlike attentions to their +mother, and they think that their husbands do not love them, because +they never tell them so. They cannot understand the dumb, repressed +temperament that is utterly incapable of showing what it feels. Then +there is the gay, pleasure-loving man who likes to dance and dine in +restaurants and jazz; the good fellow whom everybody likes and who +has holes in his pockets that no wife’s economy can ever sew up. What +superhuman wisdom and patience it takes in a woman to keep from nagging +him if she has been brought up in an austere family that frowned on all +frivolous amusements and whose watchword was duty instead of good times! + +Then there is the eternal conflict over little trivial personal habits +and ways, over things as small as cooking. Irvin Cobb said once that +the Civil War was fought not over secession or slavery but over hot +bread and cold bread. Certainly many thirty or forty-year family wars +are waged over what strength the breakfast coffee shall be and the +use of onions in the soup. And certainly it is no trivial matter for +one accustomed to a sophisticated, highly cultured cuisine to have +to insult your palate with plain, ignorant, boiled food because the +partner of your bosom has had his or her early education in eating +neglected. Probably no woman who has been reared in the belief that +one’s good clothes should be kept for company and that any sort of +old messy duds were good enough for home consumption can realize the +disgust she inspires in her husband’s breast when she comes down to +breakfast in a boudoir cap and a soiled kimono and no complexion if he +is of the fastidious sort to whom slovenliness is a mortal sin. + +These little things—the niceties of life that one has been taught to +observe and the other hasn’t, the order and thrift one has been bred +to and the other hasn’t, the difference in point of view, in taste, in +habit—make the inevitable friction between husbands and wives which is +at the bottom of almost every divorce. And when you think how hard it +is to give up our old opinions and ways of doing things, the wonder +is that so many persons are able to do it and that so many couples do +adjust themselves to each other and get along in reasonable peace and +harmony. + + + + +LXII + +THE CHILDREN PAY + + +No disinterested outsider ever observes the spats in which so many +husbands and wives continually engage without realizing that they +quarrel because they enjoy doing so. It is an indoor sport out of which +they get a morbid thrill. Domestic life has become dull and monotonous +to them. They have nothing new and interesting to say to each other, +and so one or the other starts something by making a remark that he +or she knows is the fighting word that will inevitably precipitate a +scrimmage. And then they go to it, hammer and tongs. It is their way +of putting pep into a pepless day, for they know the danger they are +running, and the very fact that they are risking their whole life’s +happiness crisps their nerves, as going over the top did the soldiers +in the war. Besides which they get a strange and savage joy out of +stabbing with cruel words and in wounding and being wounded by the ones +they love and who love them. + +It is because married couples love a fight for the fight’s sake that so +many homes are nothing but a battlefield on which a perpetual warfare +goes on. Otherwise the dove of peace would roost on the roof of many +a household to which the black flag is now nailed. For it is folly to +say that the average husband and wife who are forever engaged in an +acrimonious debate over every trifle that comes up could not get along +with each other if they desired to do so. They get along with other +persons. They make allowance for the prejudices and faults of others. +They permit other persons to differ from them on matters of opinion and +taste. They sidestep other persons’ peculiarities. They control their +tempers and their tongues when they are dealing with others. They are +tactful and diplomatic in handling other persons. No doctor would ever +have another patient, no merchant another customer, no man could hold +his job if he was as irritable, as grouchy, as high tempered abroad as +many a man is at home, and if he said the insulting things to other +persons that he says to his wife. No woman would ever be invited to +another bridge party or elected president of the sewing society if she +were as much of a spitfire in public as many a woman is in private, and +if she said the nasty things to others that she says to her husband. + +Now, the rules for keeping the peace are the same everywhere, and both +men and women are familiar with them. Every man knows that there isn’t +a woman living that he can’t make eat out of his hand by showing her a +few attentions, a little tenderness and consideration and paying her +a few compliments. Every woman knows that there isn’t a man that she +can’t jolly along the way she wants him to go and who does not respond +to judiciously applied salve. So when husbands and wives, who know +perfectly well how to work each other without friction, deliberately +and with malice aforethought rub each other the wrong way, it is +obviously because they enjoy their daily dozen fracases and find fun +in seeing the fur fly. If that were the end of it, we might well shrug +our shoulders and, while wondering at their taste, leave them to +take their pleasure as they saw fit in the cruel pastime of baiting +each other. But, unfortunately, the family spat is not the innocent +diversion that husbands and wives appear to think it is, nor does it +end when the husband puts on his hat and bangs the door behind him and +goes downtown, and the wife wipes away a tear or two and goes about her +daily tasks. + +The children are the real victims in these family fights. It is they +who stumble from the domestic battleground with shattered nerves, +with torn and bleeding spirits and souls, with maimed and deformed +characters. All of us have known children who have taken to the streets +almost as soon as they could walk to escape homes that were full of +bickering and discord. We have seen how little control the fathers +and mothers who could not control their own tempers had over their +children, and we have not wondered when truant officers tell us that +nine-tenths of the wayward girls and hoodlum boys are the children of +divorced parents, or else, of parents who did not get along together. +Now comes a great psychiatrist who asserts that he has never known +an instance of nervous breakdown in the children of happily married +parents who were brought up in a peaceful home. + +Read that over again. Memorize it, you fathers and mothers who begin +the day by having a row at the breakfast table because the coffee isn’t +just as you like it or the toast is burnt or you neglected to send up +the coal yesterday and forgot to leave the money for the milkman. You +think it is of no consequence because your wife knows you don’t mean +half of what you say and she is fighting back more from force of habit +than anything else. But neither one of you gives a thought to the +children who are listening to it all, to the children who are learning +to regard you with contempt, who are having all their illusions +shattered; whom you are teaching to be bitter and misanthropic, with +no faith in anything beautiful or fine. You do not realize that you +may not only be giving them a warp in character that will bar them +from success in life, but that you may be actually dooming them to a +breakdown that will make them wrecks in body and mind. + +Isn’t that a pretty high price to pay for the pleasure of quarreling? +And isn’t it a cruelly unfair thing to force your children to settle +your score? For the sake of the children you brought into the world +and for whom you are responsible, isn’t it worth while to deny yourself +the pleasure of finding fault with your husband or wife and saying all +the mean, acrimonious things you can think of? No use in saying that +you can’t get along together. You can, if you want to. You get along +with other persons. + + + + +LXIII + +THE LEARNED PROFESSION OF HOME-MAKING + + +No complaint is more general—possibly no belief is more prevalent among +women—than that a woman of intelligence wastes her energies and her +abilities in being merely a housekeeper. Following the domestic arts is +a despised calling, held in such contempt by the majority of women that +they never take the trouble to achieve success in it; and yet there is +no other occupation under the sun that requires so many and such varied +talents as does the learned profession of home-making. Did you ever +think what a woman must be in order to create and carry on a happy and +prosperous home? + +She must be a financier. There can be no peace and pleasure in a +home where the wolf is always howling under the window and the bill +collector hammering on the door. There are, of course, a few men in +every community who are such gifted money-makers that they can annex +more coin than any woman can spend, but for the great mass of ordinary, +industrious, hard-working humanity the wife settles the financial +status of the family. It is her ability to handle money, her knowledge +of where to spend and where to economize, her knack of making a dollar +buy a hundred and five cents’ worth and get a blue trading stamp thrown +in to boot, that is at the foundation of every prosperous home. We +don’t hear anything about it, because the woman doesn’t know herself +how awfully clever she is, but the majority of women in this country +are doing marvels of financiering in the way they make both ends meet +in their housekeeping allowance, and keep up appearances, that entitle +them to qualify in the Rockefeller class. + +She must be a general. + +She must know how to command. She must know how to set all the +multitudinous wheels of household machinery in motion and be able +to keep them moving without friction. She must be able to enforce +obedience, inspire enthusiasm, plan campaigns, forestall her enemy, be +fertile in expedient and subtle in strategy. Any woman who maintains a +comfortable and well-ordered home, the kind of a house that we like to +visit, and who raises a nice family and marries her daughters off well +could give the commander-in-chief of the army points on generalship. + +She must be a diplomat. The husband question, the children question and +the servant question are not to be handled without gloves. There is no +hour of the day that she is not called upon to deal with some problem +that requires the finesse of a Talleyrand. She must be able, if the +white-winged dove of peace is to brood over the home nest, to deal +with her husband’s prejudices and circumvent them so delicately that +he will never know that he is being induced to do the thing that he +swore he would never, never do. She must assert her authority over the +growing boy with such cunning that he does not perceive that her fine +Italian hand is on the check rein holding him tight and steady. She +must be able, without the girls dreaming that she does it, to insinuate +a doubt, drop a word of ridicule, imply an impossibility that will keep +her daughters out of entangling alliances and steer them toward the +reciprocally profitable permanent treaties they should make. + +Above all, she must be able to see most when she is apparently stone +blind; hear everything when she seems to be as deaf as the adder of the +Scriptures; to be most on guard when she looks to be sleeping at her +post, and to be most chaperoning her daughters when the onlooker and +the girls themselves would swear that she was most giving them their +liberty. + +She must know how to tread very softly if she keeps off the corns of +her servants, for whether a woman is agreeable or disagreeable in the +home her children are bound to stay there with her, but it is the +blessed privilege of Mary Ann and Bridget and eke of Hulda and Dinah +that they can pack their trunks and go. Only the very quintessence +of diplomacy renders a mistress _persona grata_ to the kitchen, and +the woman who preserves friendly relations with that must understand +the Alpha and Omega of how to make a jolly cover the discipline of a +martinet. Any woman who, when she is fifty years old, has a husband who +thinks her a Solomon in petticoats, grown children who quote mother’s +opinion, and a cook who has been with her five years is fitted to be +Ambassador Extraordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary at the Court of +St. James’s, and nothing but the stupidity of a nation that believes +that breeches and brains are synonymous terms keeps her out of the job. + +She must be an artist. + +It is the woman’s province to create the beauty of the home. This is +true whether it is the palace of the millionaire or the three-room flat +of the day laborer. Every room that she arranges is a picture, just as +much as if she painted a Dutch interior on canvas. + +She must be a poet. + +A home is not merely a place of shelter and food—it is a thing no less +of the spirit and soul—and a woman must put into it the passion of her +heart and the joy of creating just as truly as a poet must put them +into his song. To make a home that is beautiful, that breathes the +spirit of home, that is a haven of peace and rest to those who live in +it and that is a glimpse of Paradise to the stranger who is bidden +within its gates is a profession the most exacting in which any woman +can engage and the one that calls for the greatest number of talents. +Also it is the most profitable, for within it are made the men and +women who go forth to bless the world. And the wonder of wonders is +that so many just plain ordinary women are doing it, and the greatest +marvel of all is that they do not realize what a glorious thing they +are doing! + + + + +LXIV + +A FATHER’S INFLUENCE + + +There is no subject under the sun of which men take such a distorted +view as they do of a mother’s influence. Romancers have glorified it, +poets have idealized it, musicians have sung it until men have honestly +come to think that mothers have a practical monopoly of their children +and the sole duty and privilege of shaping their lives. Even fathers +seem to think that fathers count for nothing and that all they are good +for is paying the bills. In the family circle they take a back seat +and let mother run the show. It is Mother’s Day that is celebrated +with pomp and flowers and beating the cymbals. Nobody notices Father’s +Day—perhaps because the first of the month is always Father’s Day and +it comes around so often. + +No one would belittle mother’s influence. For good or evil it is all +powerful. But it is all powerful because father is so often too stupid +or too lazy or too careless or too much absorbed in his business to +do his duty to his children by helping to mold their characters. He +dodges his responsibility. He passes the buck to mother and salves his +conscience with a platitude about a mother’s sacred influence, which +in his innermost self he recognizes for the hokum it is. For mother’s +influence does not always work for righteousness. Motherhood works no +miracles. Bearing a baby does not put brains and wisdom in a hen-minded +woman’s head. It does not give a shallow woman depth. It does not make +a narrow, prejudiced woman broad and tolerant. It does not make a fool +woman wise. + +Yet all around us we see men who would not trust their wives’ judgment +about anything else on earth, turning over to them their children’s +immortal souls. They know their wives to be silly and ignorant—without +vision, without the ability to see or understand anything beyond their +own little circle—yet they let these morons shape their children’s +lives. They let them form their children’s ideals and set their +standards. They let them decide on the schools their children shall +attend, the churches they shall join, the people with whom they +associate. + +Yet the very men who trust their children to weak and incompetent and +unintelligent wives to rear would not dream of permitting a weak, +incompetent, unintelligent partner to run their business. They are too +well aware of the value of their personal advice and supervision and +of the need of their strong and expert hands on the wheel. Men blindly +subscribe to the faith that a mother’s influence is bound to be good, +especially upon her daughters, yet a moment’s thought would show them +how fallacious such a belief is. + +A woman can only give out what she has. She can only try to make her +daughters what she is. And unless a man wants his daughters to be just +the sort of woman their mother is, he cannot safely leave them in her +hands. + +It is true that there are not many women who deliberately bring up +their girls to be immoral and start their feet on the downward path. +But there are thousands upon thousands of mothers whose influence +upon their daughters is vicious, because they inculcate in them their +own low ideals of honor and honesty. They teach them by precept and +example to evade every duty of wifehood and motherhood, and from their +very infancy up they instil into them a greed and selfishness that +wrecks the happiness of all who come in contact with them. Such are +the mothers who teach their daughters how to lie and cheat, how to buy +on credit the finery they cannot afford, how to kill a man with their +extravagance. Such mothers are those whose favorite maxim is that what +a husband doesn’t know doesn’t hurt him. Such a mother is the one +who, not long ago, I heard say to her young daughter who was getting +married: “Don’t tie yourself down with babies. Go about and amuse +yourself and have a good time, and if your husband doesn’t like it he +can lump it.” + +When a man has that kind of a wife—and no man can be so afflicted +without knowing it—he does a criminal thing when he leaves his girls to +their mother’s influence. It is his bounden duty to use his influence +to correct hers as far as possible. Little as men seem to realize it, +children nearly always listen with far more respect to what their +fathers say than they do to what their mothers say. For the child knows +intuitively that the father has had a broader experience of life than +the mother has. It knows that the father goes out into the world and +does battle with it every day and that he knows from experience the +things about which mother vaguely theorizes. It knows that father knows +the rules and how to play the game. + +Hence when a man really makes any attempt to develop his children’s +characters he finds them as clay in his hands, ready to respond to his +slightest touch. It is only when father merely uses his influence as a +veto power that it is negligible. That a boy needs his father’s hand +in directing and controlling him at the critical time of his life and +a father’s wisdom to steer him along the right course is universally +recognized, but I often think that a girl needs it even more. For a +girl needs to be taught the things that life teaches a man. She needs +to be taught to be straightforward and honest and to live up to her +contracts, that she must give as well as take in life and that she must +have the courage and the grit to carry on when things are hard instead +of turning quitter and to make the best of a bad bargain. Many a +divorce would have been avoided and many a home that is now broken up, +kept intact if a father’s influence over his little girl had made her a +good sport, instead of mother’s influence developing a yellow streak in +her. + +A mother’s influence is a great thing, but it needs to be backed up by +father’s. That is why God gave every child two parents instead of one. + + + + +LXV + +THE RICHES OF POOR CHILDREN + + +The bitterest cry of poor people is that they have nothing to give +their children. The fathers and mothers who cannot buy imported finery +for their girls or sports-model cars for their boys and send them off +to expensive colleges and fill their pockets with money feel that they +have come empty-handed to their children and have nothing to give them. +Yet the poorest man and woman who bend above a cradle have it in their +power to bestow upon their babe treasures so great that their worth +cannot be computed in dollars and cents, and that will bring the child +more pleasure and happiness in life than they could purchase with all +the wealth of the Rothschilds. For there is no price tag on the most +precious things in the world. They are equally free to prince and +pauper, and more often the beggar gets them than the millionaire does. + +For example, there is love—a close, intimate, personal association—and +tenderness and understanding. Poor parents can more easily give to +their children than the wealthy can. And the child that has them is +rich beyond the dreams of avarice, and the child that has them not +is poverty-stricken, although it has all else besides. The mother who +rocks her baby to sleep on her breast, whose tender arms are always +outstretched to gather her youngsters to her heart, who is never too +tired or too busy to listen to childish confidences, who surrounds +her little ones with a brooding atmosphere of affection,—gives to her +children far more than does the rich mother who gives her children +nurses and governesses and pony carts and fine clothes and costly +playthings but who does not give them herself; who bestows on them +everything but the things that a child wants most and needs most—mother +love and tenderness, the real mother touch. + +Not long ago a very rich young man figured in a disgraceful scandal, +and the one excuse offered in his defense was that his mother was dead +and his father had never given him anything except money. He had never +had any affection bestowed upon him. He had had no parental guidance. +When a little lad he had been put in a school and kept there without +even being visited by any one who loved him, without even going home +for vacations. He had been just a pitiful little millionaire waif for +whom nobody cared. The lot of such a child is infinitely worse than +that of the one whose parents are in such humble circumstances that +they can give it perhaps only the plainest of food and clothes, but who +do give it a real home that is full of close, warm family life. The +fathers and mothers to whom children are grateful and whose memories +they revere are not those who bequeath them great fortunes, but those +who leave them the memory of a love and understanding that never failed +and of a childhood that was made sweet by their parents’ cherishing. + +No matter how poor you are, you can give your children love and +companionship and the privilege of growing up in a peaceful and +cheerful home, and that is something that few rich parents can give +their children. + +Another gift that you can make your children is that of teaching them +how to read. When you do that you really don’t need to do much more +for them, because you have put a magic coin in their hands that will +buy them entrance into all the doors of delight and open to them all +of the portals of romance. No one who loves to read can ever be bored +or lonely. He or she has only to open a book, and, presto, he or she +has for company all of the wit and wisdom of the ages. Gay adventures, +beautiful ladies and gallant gentlemen beckon, and one has only to +follow them into realms of enchantment. All of interest, all that +informs, that thrills, that amuses, is the property of the reader. +But, reading does not always come by nature, as Dogberry thought it +did. Often it has to be acquired by art, but any child can be taught +to like to read; it can be given the reading habit, and no other gift +can possibly be bestowed upon it that is half so valuable or that will +bring it in such happiness or that will be such an ark of refuge to it +in times of trouble. + +Another gift that the poorest parents can make to their children is to +teach them how to see. Most persons go through the world as blind as +bats. They never see anything that isn’t directly under their noses, +and thereby they miss half of the fun and pleasure in living. There +are men and women to whom a sunset is just a phenomenon of nature that +happens every day; to whom a crowd is just a jam of people; who get +nothing out of travel but inconvenience and missing the particular kind +of breakfast food they prefer, and who loathe rain because they get +their feet wet and hate snow because it is messy. And there are other +men and women who see the glory of God in every flaming sunset; who +thrill to the finger tips at the drama they see enacted in every crowd; +to whom travel opens up a new world; to whom every rain is a symphony +and every snowstorm a poem. + +Which of these get the most out of life—those who see or those who are +blind; those who can get pleasure out of little things or those who are +too dull and dumb to amuse themselves; those who are sensitive to every +beauty in nature, who appreciate music and art and literature, who get +the last flavor out of good cooking, or those who find everything flat +and stale and uninteresting because they have never been taught to see +the under side of things? + +Finally, the poorest parents can teach their children that brave +attitude toward life without which all the balance is cinders, ashes, +and dust. For disappointments and trouble come to us all, and it is +only those who have been taught how to make the best of their bad +bargains, how to laugh at misfortune and mock at fate, who achieve any +real happiness in life. So cheer up, you parents who complain that you +have nothing to give your children. You can give them love. You can +teach them to read and to see things. You can give them a brave heart. +These gifts are worth more than money. And nobody can take them away +from those who have them. + + + + +LXVI + +A MAN’S RIGHT TO HIS HOME + + +It is a matter of continual wonder to me that women do not realize +how unjustly they treat their husbands about their homes. Of course, +a woman’s home is her castle and all that, and it is right and proper +that she should be the ruler of it. Moreover, inasmuch as the average +man is in his home only a very few of his waking hours, while his wife +spends practically all of her time in it, it is more important that it +should come up to her ideal and fire her fancy than his. She should +have the right of choice in selecting the neighborhood she desires to +live in, because she has to know the people next door and look across +the street all day, and he doesn’t. Nor should any mere husband presume +to dictate about the number, size, and arrangements of the closets +in a house that is going to be his wife’s workshop. Nor should a man +interfere with his wife’s taste in decoration, no matter how much it +runs to putting ruffled petticoats on the furniture and installing +forests of floor lamps, for having a home dolled up as she wants it, +fills a woman with a great and exceeding peace and joy, and no good +husband should withhold this pleasure from his wife. + +But all that does not give the wife the right to monopolize the home +and use it for her sole behoof and benefit, as so many women think it +does. The man who pays the freight, the man who buys the house and who +supports it, should have a few poor, simple privileges in it which even +a wife should recognize and respect. He should at least, in all common +fairness, have the status of a star boarder in the home his money keeps +a going concern. He seldom does, however. There is not one home in a +thousand where the man of the house has even a room of his own which +he can furnish in accordance with his own taste and where he can mess +around as much as he likes. + +I have known many men who tried to establish dens for themselves +in their houses, but before they got fairly settled, with their +collections of stamps or fishing rods or stuffed animals or what-not +disposed around them, their wives decided that it would be just the +place for a sewing room or the nursery. Three hooks in a closet and a +couple of drawers in a chiffonier are about all most men get for their +private use in their homes, and at that they generally find that their +wives and daughters have superimposed feminine fripperies over their +best suits and parked their silk stockings on top of their shirts. So +universal is the feeling among women they have a right to the entire +house that when a wife does concede an easy chair and a reading lamp +to her husband she boasts of it loudly and calls everybody’s attention +to her unusual and generous gesture, whereat all marvel. And even her +husband himself puffs out his chest and feels that he is a pampered +household pet. + +Why women should feel that they have an exclusive right to exercise +the hospitality of the home nobody knows, but they do. If you will +observe you will see that in most homes it is the wife’s family who are +perpetually billeted in the spare bedroom, while the husband’s family +makes few and occasional visits. You will also observe that there are +ten men who have their mothers-in-law living with them to one man whose +mother resides under his roof. Any wife would think it very mean in +him if her husband did not extend a cordial welcome to Aunt Sally and +Cousin Sue when they were invited for a visit and if he wasn’t willing +to have her pretty young sister come and stay indefinitely in town with +them so as to have the benefits of the city. And she expects him to +register great joy when her mother telegraphs that she is coming for a +month or two. + +But it is another pair of sleeves when it comes to a husband’s +relatives, and there are precious few men who would dare to dump a +bunch of their kinspeople on their wives. Many a man is afraid to ask +even his own mother to come to see him. The average husband would +fall dead with surprise if his wife ever intimated to him that she +considered the fact that he paid for the rent and food and light and +heat and general upkeep of the home gave him just as much right to have +his family stay with them as she had to have hers. + +As to the friends who come to the house, the wife considers it her +prerogative to settle that little matter by herself and thinks that her +husband has nothing to do with it. She spreads the mat with “Welcome” +on it for those she likes and slams and bolts the door in the faces +of those she doesn’t fancy. And she practically never fancies her +husband’s old friends. So the man who had looked forward to having +his old friends in his new home, who had dreamed of long talks with +Tom by his fireside and to having Bob, who was closer than a brother, +drop in at any time for pot-luck finds, somehow, not only that they +do not come, but that he is afraid to ask them to come. Wives are +always complaining that their husbands are not willing to stay at +home. Perhaps the remedy is making the home a democracy instead of an +autocracy. If men had more rights and privileges at home they might +like staying in it better. + + + + +LXVII + +DEVOURING FRIENDS + + +“One of the greatest pests in the world is what I call the devouring +friend,” said a woman the other day. “She is a bloodthirsty cannibal +who gobbles you up alive, and you have no way of protecting yourself +against her, because the sacred name of friendship bars the use of all +the lethal weapons that you can use in defending yourself against other +bores and social nuisances. + +“Of course, the common or garden variety of devouring friend is the one +who literally eats you out of house and home. She is a self-invited +guest who drops you a little note saying that she is passing through +your city or that she has to have a little dental work done or wants +to consult a doctor or do some shopping, and she does so pine to see +her darling Susan and talk over old times, and will it be convenient +for her to come and spend a few days with you? All of which being +translated simply means that she desires to graft a hotel bill off you. + +“Anyway, she comes and camps in your spare room by the week, because +she always manages to string out the dental work or the appointments +with the doctor or the milliner. She should worry. For she is having +a good time at no expense. Furthermore, by hints and insinuations she +inveigles your husband into taking her to places of amusement that you +have not felt that you could afford even when there were only two of +you to pay for. And she runs your grocery bill up to the skies because +she develops a taste for the most expensive food. And as you see her +calmly consuming the price of your new dress you know exactly how a +cornfield feels when a swarm of seven-year locusts settles down on it +and goes into action. + +“Then there are the devouring friends who eat up your time. I am a busy +woman. I cannot afford to waste a minute. Unfortunately for me, I have +a number of women friends who are rich and whose principal occupation +in life is killing time. Now, these women know perfectly well that +I not only do all of my own housework but that I make my children’s +clothes and that if they kill a morning for me they upset my whole +schedule and make my work pile up upon me so that my labor is twice as +hard. + +“But does that keep them from interrupting me? Lord, no. Every time +Maud has a spat with her mother-in-law she will drop over and spend a +whole morning giving me all the harrowing details. Every time Lulu’s +husband gives her a new limousine I have to waste hours of my valuable +time listening to a minute description of all its splendor. Every time +Sallie and Susie want to be sympathized with or want to brag about +their children they ruin the heart of a day’s work for me by backing me +up against a wall and making me listen. And a dozen times a day I am +interrupted by women who call me up over the telephone to hold long and +fruitless conversations about nothing. + +“Yet there is no possible way to protect my precious time against +these friends who eat it up. They are all charming women. They like me +and I like them. I want to retain their friendship, so I cannot shut +my door in their faces when they come to see me. I can’t ask them to +leave when they stay too long. I can’t ring off when they call me over +the telephone. I can’t even say ‘damn’ aloud, no matter how much I +am thinking it. But I know what the cynic meant when he said that if +God would save him from his friends he would protect himself from his +enemies. + +“Then there are the devouring friends who swallow up all of your +home life. My husband’s business is such that he has only one or two +evenings at home a week. We would like to have these to ourselves to +keep up our acquaintance or to go out on a little spree together. We +have proclaimed this fact loudly and long to our friends and we refuse +every invitation that it is possible to get out of for those two sacred +occasions. But it doesn’t do a particle of good. + +“Being an unusually charming and entertaining individual, my husband is +regarded by my friends as a social tidbit—a particularly savory _hors +d’œuvre_, as it were—and they gobble up our evenings together without +the slightest compunction. If we won’t go to them, all right. They will +come to us. So just about the time we are settling down for a real +heart-to-heart talk, here come the Smiths to pass a pleasant evening +with us, or the Joneses descend upon us and bear us off, shrieking and +protesting, to listen to their new radio, or the Thompsons telephone +that they are just coming over for a game of bridge. + +“And there are the other devouring friends who nibble away at our +independence like a mouse at a cheese, until some day we suddenly wake +up to the fact that our freedom is all gone. We haven’t a vestige of +liberty left. We dare not give a party and leave them out. We have +to explain to them everything we do and tag meekly along in their +footsteps. And there are other devouring friends who gnaw constantly +on our sympathies by telling us all of their troubles and making us +bear their burdens for them. They are ghouls who make us feed them our +hearts to satisfy their morbid appetite for pity. Perhaps there is no +way to get rid of devouring friends, but it certainly would add to +the pleasures of life if we could swat them as we do other household +pests.” + + + + +LXVIII + +THE SECRET OF HAPPINESS + + +What is the secret of happiness? I once asked Mary Anderson this +question and she replied: “To find out what you want of life, and then +to have the courage to take it. I wanted quiet, seclusion, home and +husband and children, the ordinary domestic life of woman,” she went +on. “I had the courage to leave the stage at the very height of my +career. And I have had the courage to refuse every offer to go back, +no matter how dazzling it was. I have also had the courage to stay in +my sleepy little village and refuse to let myself be drawn into the +brilliant whirl of London society. I have been happy because I knew +what I wanted, and I have been brave enough to take it in spite of all +temptations to be led into doing the things that I did not want to do.” + +Undoubtedly this is one of the answers to the great riddle that we +are always asking and that so few solve. A great many people are +unhappy because they do not really know what they want. They have no +clear vision of the thing they are seeking. They are torn between +conflicting desires and never settle down to any one thing, and find +contentment and peace in that. You see this exemplified in the men who +are always changing from one occupation to another, and who work with +their minds on their golf and play golf with their minds on their work. +You see it in the women who are fretful and peevish wives and mothers, +complaining of the burdens of domesticity and feeling that they have +missed happiness in not following some career, and in the women who +have followed careers and who are always bemoaning their loneliness +because they have no families. Yet how seldom do the disgruntled, who +lament their fate in life so loudly, have the courage to face about and +take the road that they at least believe leads to happiness! We behold +so many idle tears that we are inclined to believe there are vast +numbers of human beings who get a kind of morbid pleasure out of misery. + +But what is the secret of happiness? I give four guesses at the +conundrum. The first is work, to keep so busy that we do not have +leisure to think whether we are happy or not. There is no other +pleasure comparable to the clean joy of being swallowed up in some +useful, constructive work that calls forth every power of mind +and body. Your own job, that you do competently, has for you a +never-failing interest, a perpetual thrill that nothing else in +the world can give. Only brainless idiots are content to loaf. +Intelligent, thinking men and women must keep busy in order to be happy. + +My second guess is that happiness is the bird in the hand and not the +bird in the bush. If we are ever to be happy we must be happy now at +the present moment. We cannot put it off until to-morrow. You are +always hearing people say that they are going to do this and that when +they get rich, that they are going to travel when they are old, they +are going to play, they are going to take up old acquaintances, they +are going to enjoy themselves five, ten, twenty years hence. But when +the time comes that they have set to be happy in, they find that they +have lost their capacity for enjoyment. Those who have inched and +pinched and sweated every penny trying to accumulate a fortune have +formed such a habit of parsimony that it is agony to them to spend +money. Those who have denied themselves too much have lost all desire. +Those who have stayed at home too long have become such a fixture on +Main Street that they are lonesome and homesick everywhere else. + +So the happy men and women are those who take the goods the gods +provide each hour. They make a reasonable provision against the rainy +day, and then they indulge themselves in the good clothes, the pretty +home, the comfortable car, the palatable food, the little trips that +are within their reach. They do not put off every pleasure until some +mythical, problematic day, when they will be able to live in a palace +and have a Rolls-Royce and Paris clothes and when they will be too +old and rheumatic and set in their ways to want to do anything but +sit by the fire in their own familiar chair. Never was there sounder +philosophy conveyed than in the old comic opera ditty which said, “I +want what I want when I want it,” and if we don’t take it then, it is +dust and ashes in our teeth. + +Happiness consists in simple things. We are always envying the rich and +great, and think how happy they must be, but we might well pity them, +for they have far more sources of sorrow than we have. Beyond a modest +competence, riches are a burden, and money can become a curse that +blights every natural joy. The millionaire is cut off from the greatest +of all happiness—that of knowing himself loved for himself alone. He +suspects the motive of every friend, he does not even trust the woman +he marries, and he knows his wealth to be a blight upon his children. +The real source of happiness is in enjoying simple things—a gorgeous +sunset, a beautiful landscape, a clever book, a good dinner, the talk +of a friend, the unfaltering love of husband or wife, a baby’s arms +around your neck, a fine son and daughter filling you with pride and +joy. These have no price tag on them. They may belong just as much to +the poor man as the rich man. Indeed, they oftener do. + +Finally, remember the song, “I Want to Be Happy, but I Can’t Be +Happy Till I Make You Happy, Too.” In unselfishness, in doing good to +others—that is the real answer to the secret of how to be happy. + + + + +LXIX + +PREPAREDNESS FOR OLD AGE + + +What are you storing up for your old age? Are you laying up any money +against the time when you will be old and feeble and no longer able to +work? The hour will strike for you, as it does for others, when your +earning powers will be gone. Your hands will be too stiff and clumsy +to keep on with their accustomed task. Your mind will be too slow to +go the pace in the fierce competition in the commercial world. If you +are an employee, you will lose your job. If you are a business man, you +will find that your trade has somehow drifted away from you. If you are +a professional man, you will be superseded by the new men whose stars +are just rising on the horizon. + +Nothing that you can do will alter these conditions. No miracle will +save you from the common fate of all who grow old. But if you have +saved up enough money to make you independent, it will be merely a +matter of mild regret to you. If, however, you have laid up nothing for +the rainy day that is bound to come to you, it will be a tragedy that +you will pray death to end. + +For in all the world there are no people so piteous and forlorn as +those who are forced to eat the bitter bread of dependence in their old +age, and find how steep are the stairs of another man’s house. Wherever +they go they know themselves unwelcome. Wherever they are, they feel +themselves a burden. There is no humiliation of the spirit they are not +forced to endure. Their hearts are scarred all over with the stabs from +cruel and callous speeches. + +In youth money is a convenience, an aid to pleasure. In age it is +an absolute necessity, for when we are old we have to buy even +consideration and politeness from those about us. This is true even in +the households of our own children, for between the father and mother +who are able to pay their own way and are the source of a never-ending +flow of gifts and treats, and the father and mother who must be +supported is a great gulf fixed. It is the difference between having +the place of honor and the back seat; between being listened to with +respect and having one’s opinions derided; between having one’s little +peculiarities catered to as interesting characteristics and being +snubbed for one’s old-fashioned ways. + +Nor is this as unfeeling and hard-boiled as it seems. The average young +couple has all it can do, in these times of the high cost of living, to +provide for itself and the children, and it makes the burden crushing +to have to add the extra weight of the support of the old people of the +families. + +The fate of the dependent old is so terrible that it is a marvel that +it does not frighten every one into trying to provide against it. Yet +it was recently stated in a journal of statistics that 80 per cent of +the men and women more than sixty years of age were dependent either +upon their children or upon public charity. Don’t let this misfortune +befall you. Guard against it. Begin systematic saving while you are +young, so that when you are old you will at least have the comfort of +being independent. + +Are you laying up affection for your old age? Most of us have a curious +and naïve belief in what we call “natural affection.” We befool +ourselves into thinking that people must love us because they stand in +a certain relationship to us and because there are blood ties between +us. Never was there a more fallacious theory. There is, to be sure, +the mother’s passion for the child she has borne and the instinctive +clinging of the child to its mother while it is young and helpless, but +that is all. It doesn’t follow as a matter of course that grown-up men +and women love their parents just because they are their parents. As a +matter of fact, they don’t, unless the father and mother have won their +love by years of tenderness and understanding and sympathy. You can’t +be hard and tyrannical and selfish and stingy with your children and +expect them to love you because it is their duty to do so. If you want +your children to love you when you are old, you have to begin winning +their hearts when they are in the cradle. + +Have you laid up a good supply of friendship for your old age? No +complaint is heard more often from the old than that they are lonely. +Few come to see them. They are seldom asked out. No one sends them +flowers when they are sick. They are neglected and they crave the +little attentions that we all like and yearn for the society of their +fellow creatures. Now, when old people are lonely, it is always their +own fault. It is because they have neglected to lay up any friendships +for the sere and yellow days when they have no longer the power to +attract people to them. + +They have gone their selfish way through life, sufficient unto +themselves in their youth. They have never held out a helping hand to +those in need. They have never wept with those who wept and rejoiced +with those who rejoiced. They have not bothered to write notes of +condolence or congratulation. They have never visited the sick and +afflicted. They have never spent an hour listening to an old person’s +garrulous talk, and so, when they get old, they are repaid in the same +coin. + +Are you laying up any mental riches for your old age? I know an old +lady so feeble that she cannot stir from her chair, and whose eyes have +failed so that she cannot tell day from night, and who is so deaf that +she cannot be read to, but who passes her days delightfully reciting +to herself whole cantos of Scott and Byron and recalling word for word +chapters of Dickens and Thackeray and Miss Austen. Her mind to her a +kingdom is, in which she finds entertainment and amusement. Will you be +amused or bored when you are in your nineties and have nothing but your +own society? I know another woman, middle-aged, who is deliberately +laying up a treasure of memories of travel to solace her in her old +age. She will never know a dull moment, for she will have something to +think about besides her rheumatism and her diet when she sits alone in +the twilight of life. + +Old age comes to us all. Don’t let it find you empty-handed or +empty-minded. Thus shall you make it a time of happiness instead of +torment. + + + + +_The Blue Book of Social Usage_— + +Etiquette + +In Society, In Business, In Politics, and At Home + +_By EMILY POST_ + + +“The most complete book on social usage that ever grew between two +covers.” There are 24 pages about introductions and greetings, 7 about +street conduct, 13 on conduct at the theatre, 10 on conversation, 25 on +cards and visits, 33 on invitations, 12 on teas, 61 on dinners, 12 on +breakfasts and suppers, 26 on balls and dances, 12 on “the debutante,” +12 on matrimonial engagements, 33 on preparations for the wedding, +35 on “the day of the wedding,” 23 on funerals, 58 on letters, 22 on +dress, 9 on the clothes of a gentleman, 34 on the well-appointed house, +24 on traveling at home and abroad. + +The author is a shining figure in society and her charming and popular +book is accepted everywhere as the authoritative Blue Book of Social +Usage. Illustrated. + + _Crown 8vo, Cloth. 639 pages. $4, net; flexible leather, $7.50, net; + postage, 18c extra._ + + + + +_The Blue Book of Personal Attire_— + +How to Dress Well + + +A valuable treatise by an authority which considers dress for women +from both the artistic and the practical view-points, and provides +sound information on the principles of tasteful and attractive apparel. +Not only does this book give details for enhancing one’s personal +appearance, for slenderizing the stout, for broadening the slender, for +the selection of headwear and other accessories, but also practical +guidance for the selection and testing of materials, choosing of laces +and furs, budgeting the dress allowance, and for the care and up keep +of the wardrobe. It is brimful of the very information pertaining to +dress, color, and toilet accessories about which every woman hesitates +to accept any but truly trustworthy advice and is a fitting companion +to Emily Post’s “Etiquette.” Modistes, designers, dressmakers, and +milliners will also find this work of highest value. Illustrated. + + _8vo, Cloth. 494 pages. $3.50, net; postage, 18c extra._ + + + + +The Blue Book of Cookery And Manual of House Management + +_By ISABEL COTTON SMITH_ + +_With an Introduction by Emily Post, Author of “Etiquette”_ + + +This is not “just another cookbook,” but an original and authoritative +guide for the preparation of foods and for house management. All the +originality and importance of this volume would be of limited value +unless it were written by so capable and practical an authority as +Isabel Cotton Smith. It contains more than 2,000 recipes; gives +complete information on the management of house and home, with +invaluable suggestions for table economy, and includes everything for +every season and every day in the year, for every possible repast from +breakfast to late supper and from teas and picnic meals to specially +designed menus for children at home and at school, as well as menus for +vegetarians. + + _Crown 8vo, Washable Fabrikoid. $2.50, net; postage, 18c extra._ + + + + +A Woman of Fifty + +_By RHETA CHILDE DORR_ + + +This unique autobiography of a remarkable and courageous woman covers +one of the most revolutionary periods of time in history—from virtually +the beginning of a concerted movement to organize the women of this +country in the fight for equality in politics and industry to the time +when these hitherto unattainable causes were firmly established in our +economic and governmental systems. As journalist, lecturer, editor, and +writer, the author has taken part in virtually every event that marks +her generation; was the only woman war correspondent with the famed +Russian Women’s “Battalion of Death” on the last Kerensky offensive +on the Eastern Front; spent three years in “after war” Europe, and is +to-day in the thick of things in this country. Written in a frank, +forceful, and grippingly interesting style. + + _8vo, Cloth. 482 pp. $2.50, net; postage, 18c extra._ + + + FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers + 354-360 Fourth Avenue, New York + + + + + Transcriber’s Notes + + pg 58 Changed: which are resonsible for more real + to: which are responsible for more real + + pg 61 Changed: you happen to be born in a certain relationshp + to: you happen to be born in a certain relationship + + pg 71 Changed: any particular trade or profesion + to: any particular trade or profession + + pg 101 Changed: earn her own living as a “poor working women.” + to: earn her own living as a “poor working woman.” + + pg 105 Changed: so far be it from me to abridge + to: so far be it for me to abridge + + pg 150 Changed: life better than than that of the successful + to: life better than that of the successful + + pg 179 Changed: he will be filled fell of pep and energy + to: he will be filled full of pep and energy + + pg 179 Changed: discovery that somewhow the mysterious something + to: discovery that somehow the mysterious something + + pg 188 Changed: she is not likely to tarnish your deal. + to: she is not likely to tarnish your ideal. + + pg 217 Changed: as many men starving for affection as there are woman. + to: as many men starving for affection as there are women. + + pg 218 Changed: reward depends altogther on his wife’s attitude + to: reward depends altogether on his wife’s attitude + + pg 221 Changed: their purpose when they falter and waiver + to: their purpose when they falter and waver + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75448 *** |