diff options
Diffstat (limited to '75448-h')
| -rw-r--r-- | 75448-h/75448-h.htm | 11123 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 75448-h/images/cover.jpg | bin | 0 -> 694851 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 75448-h/images/frontis.jpg | bin | 0 -> 54934 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 75448-h/images/titlepage.jpg | bin | 0 -> 14911 bytes |
4 files changed, 11123 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/75448-h/75448-h.htm b/75448-h/75448-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..38ac5ec --- /dev/null +++ b/75448-h/75448-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,11123 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html> +<html lang="en"> +<head> + <meta charset="UTF-8"> + <title> + Dorothy Dix—Her Book | Project Gutenberg + </title> + <link rel="icon" href="images/cover.jpg" type="image/x-cover"> + <style> + +body { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + + h1,h2,h3 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; +} + +p { + margin-top: .51em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .49em; + text-indent: 1em; +} + +hr { + width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: 33.5%; + margin-right: 33.5%; + clear: both; +} + +hr.chap {width: 65%; margin-left: 17.5%; margin-right: 17.5%;} +hr.full {width: 95%; margin-left: 2.5%; margin-right: 2.5%;} + +div.chapter {page-break-before: always;} +h2.nobreak {page-break-before: avoid;} + +table { + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; +} +table.autotable { border-collapse: collapse; } + +.tdl {text-align: left; line-height: 1.5em; padding-left: 1em;} +.tdr {text-align: right;} + +.pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: small; + text-align: right; + font-style: normal; + font-weight: normal; + font-variant: normal; + text-indent: 0; + color: #A9A9A9; +} /* page numbers */ + + +.center {text-align: center;} + +.right {text-align: right;} + +.smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + +.caption {font-weight: bold;} + +/* Images */ + +img { + max-width: 100%; + height: auto; +} +img.w100 {width: 100%;} + + +.figcenter { + margin: auto; + text-align: center; + page-break-inside: avoid; + max-width: 100%; +} + +/* Transcriber's notes */ +.transnote {background-color: #E6E6FA; + color: black; + font-size:small; + padding:0.5em; + margin-bottom:5em; + font-family:sans-serif, serif; +} + +.fs70 {font-size: 70%} +.fs80 {font-size: 80%} +.fs120 {font-size: 120%} +.fs150 {font-size: 150%} +.fs200 {font-size: 200%} + +.no-indent {text-indent: 0em;} +.bold {font-weight: bold;} +.wsp {word-spacing: 0.3em;} + +p.drop-cap { + text-indent: 0em; +} +p.drop-cap:first-letter +{ + float: left; + margin: 0em 0.1em 0em 0em; + font-size: 250%; + line-height:0.85em; +} + +.upper-case +{ + text-transform: uppercase; +} + +h2 {font-size: 130%; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.6em; word-spacing: .3em;} +h3 {font-size: 100%; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.6em; word-spacing: .3em;} + +.pageborder {width: 400px; border: 4px double; padding: 10px; margin: auto;} + +/* Illustration classes */ +.illowp15 {width: 15%;} +.illowp85 {width: 85%;} + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75448 ***</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 85%"> +<img src="images/cover.jpg" alt="Cover"> +</div> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<figure class="figcenter illowp85" id="frontis" style="max-width: 37.75em;"> + <img class="w100" src="images/frontis.jpg" alt=""> + <figcaption class="caption"><p class="right fs150"><span style="padding-right: 2em"><em>Yours Sincerely</em></span><br> +<em>Dorothy Dix</em> +</p> +</figcaption> +</figure> +</div> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter pageborder"> +<p class="center no-indent fs200 wsp bold"> +<em>Dorothy Dix—Her Book</em></p> + +<hr class="full"> +<br> +<p class="center no-indent fs120 wsp">Every-day Help<br> +For Every-day People</p> + +<hr class="full"> +<br> + +<figure class="figcenter illowp15" id="titlepage" style="max-width: 17.1875em;"> + <img class="w100" src="images/titlepage.jpg" alt="Decoration"> +</figure> +<br> + +<p class="center no-indent fs80 wsp">SECOND EDITION</p> +<br> + +<hr class="full"> + +<p class="center no-indent fs120 wsp bold">FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY<br> +<span class="fs80">NEW YORK and LONDON</span><br> +<span class="fs70">1927</span><br> +</p> +</div> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p class="center no-indent fs80 wsp"> +<span class="smcap">Copyright, 1926, by</span><br> +<span class="fs120">FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY</span><br> +[Printed in the United States of America]<br> +Published, August, 1926<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +Copyright Under the Articles of the Copyright Convention<br> +of the Pan-American Republics and the<br> +United States, August 11, 1910.<br> +</p> +</div> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_v">[Pg v]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="Contents"><em>Contents</em></h2> +</div> + +<table class="autotable"> +<tr> +<td class="tdr fs70">CHAPTER</td> +<td class="tdl"></td> +<td class="tdr fs70">PAGE</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr"></td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Foreword</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_xi">xi</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr"></td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Introduction</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_xix">xix</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">I</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">How a Husband Likes to be Treated</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_1">1</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">II</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Charm</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_10">10</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">III</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Ordinary Woman</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_22">22</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">IV</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Teach the Children to Love Father</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_27">27</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">V</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Strike a Balance with Matrimony</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_32">32</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">VI</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Jealousy</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_39">39</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">VII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Have a Goal</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_44">44</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">VIII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Goat Family</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_48">48</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">IX</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Spoiling a Wife</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_53">53</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">X</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Absence Cure for Family Ills</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_58">58</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XI</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Deadly Rival</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_63">63</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Learn a Trade, Girls</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_67">67</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XIII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Trial Divorce</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_76">76</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XIV</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Marry the Man You Love</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_81">81</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XV</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Are You Good Company for Yourself?</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_87">87</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XVI</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Keeping Young</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_92">92</a><span class="pagenum" id="Page_vi">[Pg vi]</span></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XVII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Gossip, the Policeman</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_96">96</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XVIII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Lucky Working Woman</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_100">100</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XIX</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">An Indoor Sport</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_105">105</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XX</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Should Women Tell?</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_109">109</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XXI</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Domestic Boredom</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_114">114</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XXII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">To Marry or Not to Marry</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_118">118</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XXIII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Woman’s Greatest Gift</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_122">122</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XXIV</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Grafting on the Old Folks</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_127">127</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XXV</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Are You a Good Father?</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_132">132</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XXVI</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Moral Muscles of Your Children</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_136">136</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XXVII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Mother-in-Law</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_140">140</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XXVIII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Why Our Families Rile Us</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_145">145</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XXIX</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Our Lives Are What We Make Them</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_149">149</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XXX</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Husband Losers</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_154">154</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XXXI</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Martha or Mary?</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_159">159</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XXXII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The T. B. M. at Home</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_163">163</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XXXIII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Don’t Be Afraid to Let Your Husband See You Love Him</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_169">169</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XXXIV</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Queer Things about Marriage</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_174">174</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XXXV</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Husbands—The Living Conundrum</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_180">180</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XXXVI</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Power of Suggestion</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_185">185</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XXXVII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Woman’s Missionary Opportunity</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_190">190</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XXXVIII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">How to be a Good Husband</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_195">195</a><span class="pagenum" id="Page_vii">[Pg vii]</span></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XXXIX</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Giving Children Advantages</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_200">200</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XL</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Sell Yourself to Your Children</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_205">205</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XLI</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Taking Husbands “As Is”</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_210">210</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XLII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Being a Good Wife</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_215">215</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XLIII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Invalidism a Graft</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_222">222</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XLIV</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Selfishness Made to Order</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_227">227</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XLV</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Self-Control</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_231">231</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XLVI</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Old Fathers and New Daughters</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_236">236</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XLVII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Losing a Wife’s Love</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_240">240</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XLVIII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Lure of the Married Man</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_245">245</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XLIX</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Forget It</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_249">249</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">L</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Lost Love</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_254">254</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">LI</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Show Wedding</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_259">259</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">LII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">When Your Children Are Glad You Die</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_264">264</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">LIII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">What Price Pleasure?</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_269">269</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">LIV</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Ideal Mother</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_273">273</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">LV</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">How to Catch a Wife</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_278">278</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">LVI</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Dangerous Girls</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_283">283</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">LVII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">When a Girl Loves a Man</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_288">288</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">LVIII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Marriage Lessons</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_293">293</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">LIX</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Superior Business Woman</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_297">297</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">LX</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">New Ideals for Old</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_301">301</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">LXI</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Why Divorce is Common</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_305">305</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">LXII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Children Pay</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_310">310</a><span class="pagenum" id="Page_viii">[Pg viii]</span></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">LXIII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Learned Profession of Home-Making</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_315">315</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">LXIV</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">A Father’s Influence</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_320">320</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">LXV</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Riches of Poor Children</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_325">325</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">LXVI</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">A Man’s Right to His Home</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_330">330</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">LXVII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Devouring Friends</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_334">334</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">LXVIII</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Secret of Happiness</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_338">338</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">LXIX</td> +<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Preparedness for Old Age</span></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_343">343</a></td> +</tr> +</table> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_ix">[Pg ix]</span></p> + +<div class="chapter"> +<h2 class="nobreak bold" id="Foreword"><em>Foreword</em></h2> +</div> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_xi">[Pg xi]</span></p> + +<div class="chapter"> +<h1><em>Dorothy Dix—Her Book</em></h1> +</div> + +<h3><span class="smcap">A Foreword by Richard Duffy</span></h3> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">To</span> the accurately estimated millions of readers +who are familiar with Dorothy Dix’s understanding +and interpretation of the plain facts +of everyday life and also its enigmas, it may appear +a presumption that one should attempt a foreword +of explanation to make clear why a choice of her +daily contributions to the press, not only in the +United States and Canada, but also in farther regions +of the world, should be deemed worthy of the +more permanent shelter of book covers. But it becomes +at once justifiable when we try to present +a true account of the work of “The Little Lady of +New Orleans,” as one of her oldest editors calls +her. She herself confesses that, among the hundreds +of letters she receives each day from men and +women, young, adult and aged, there recur the questions: +“Are you a real person, or only a newspaper +syndicate name?” “Are you a man, or are you a +woman?” “Are you married or single?” “Have +you ever been married?” “If you have not been +married, would you marry?” “If you have been +married—and are not now—would you marry<span class="pagenum" id="Page_xii">[Pg xii]</span> +again?” “Have you any children? If so—are they +boys or girls—and how many?” It must be emphasized +that the questions above recorded are not +asked by correspondents merely curious, who put the +questions just to probe the author of the Dorothy +Dix articles. Not at all, these questions are asked +in letters revealing the puzzles of life that entangle +the very writers who address Dorothy Dix. Before +they make the simplest inquiry as to the trustworthiness +of Dorothy Dix, they tell their own +troubles in the way we all have of saying: “Of +course what I have said to you is wholly confidential. +Now let me know where you stand—I mean about +absolute personal fidelity.” To a hard-boiled business +man, or business woman, such a remark seems +trite. Yet, we must remember that hard-boiled business +persons run to the courts every so often to +discover between themselves, at great expense, how +personal fidelity, in gush and in fact, sharply +contrast.</p> + +<p>The self-styled hard-boiled people and the people +who pretend they are less sophisticated than they +are, look to Dorothy Dix for a way out of all their +troubles. These two classes are to be reckoned with, +because they are always telling their troubles to +some confidant—the less known, the better. But the +vast majority of the people who write to Dorothy +Dix for counsel and guidance are profoundly +sincere and earnest, not so much because they fear<span class="pagenum" id="Page_xiii">[Pg xiii]</span> +to be otherwise, but because they are so firmly persuaded +of the sincerity and earnestness of life itself, +when they look it square in the face and without pose +of any kind. All and any of these correspondents +of Dorothy Dix are struggling with their problems +of how to make life livable. In the case of the +young woman who has a good job and, at the same +time, has a good home with her parents, the question +arises whether she should marry the man she +likes, and who on his part likes her, and then undertake +to become a parent herself without a salaried +job and without the safeguard of the home provided +by her father and mother. On the other side there +appears the problem of the young man, who would +marry, but for responsibilities, psychological as well +as financial, that make him stop, look and listen +before he leaves a dependent father and mother unsupported.</p> + +<p>We pass to the men and women who are actually +married and suddenly discover that they are facing +the real and inevitable conflict of life at home as +compared with the daily battle of the business world. +Some husbands are go-getters, but they do not get +anywhere because their wives are shiftless as home +managers, or because they are spendthrifts, and +would always, without trying, spend twice as much +money as any husband has, or can earn. Some +wives are the best of helpmates, but are linked to +husbands who simply cannot or will not achieve the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_xiv">[Pg xiv]</span> +quiet fame of a weekly pay-envelope which is the +rock foundation of “Home Sweet Home.”</p> + +<p>Some wives are afflicted with the disease of “social +climbing.” They spend their days and nights +proving to their husbands that for every dollar +earned, it is better to spend two dollars, in order +to take a chance at three, by inviting the Smiths +to the theatre and to supper afterward. Such wives +usually overlook the fact that the Smiths, with +whom they would curry favor at great expense, are +themselves spending two dollars for every one dollar +gained on the principle that it is a good investment +to obtain equal social standing with the Joneses.</p> + +<p>Also to be encountered in this book are the varied +specimens of husbands and wives who have become +tired of each other and seek from Dorothy Dix +guidance towards a way out of what they consider +the morass of marriage. Then, too, we meet the +father, or the mother, who is perplexed about the +way children grow up nowadays—as tho the way +children grew up has not always been a surprise to +parents since the days of Romulus and Remus. To +sum up, all <i lang="la" xml:lang="la">dramatis personæ</i> in the stupendous +play of life, being enacted day in and day out, as +we live, are brought on the world’s stage before us, +not so much by Dorothy Dix as by themselves in the +confidences they repose in her and the disclosures +they make about themselves.</p> + +<p>Despite this fact there never has been nor will<span class="pagenum" id="Page_xv">[Pg xv]</span> +there be anything merely approaching a betrayal of +confidence by Dorothy Dix. She talks to the whole +world of men and women, and their worries and concerns +are so alike that all shadow of individual +identity is lost. She talks to them, not from the +pedestal of the highbrow, but from the average level +of a human being, who herself has fought the grim +battle of life—as may be learned from her personal +statement, which immediately follows these pages. +One of the most distinguished of living American +novelists, on being shown a few letters in her day’s +mail, asked:</p> + +<p>“How many such letters do you receive a month?”</p> + +<p>She replied: “It takes me from three to four +hours each day to answer my correspondents—and +then I have to write my articles besides.”</p> + +<p>“Great Scott!” exclaimed the novelist. “You +have more plots in a day’s letters than any hard-working +novelist could invent in a year.”</p> + +<p>But none of these potential plots is available even +for the most prolific of story-writers, because they +are not “plots” to Dorothy Dix, but sacred testimonies +to the help the “Little Lady of New Orleans” +has been able to render through many years to her +ever-increasing number of friends and confidants.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_xvii">[Pg xvii]</span></p> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p class="center no-indent fs120 bold"><em>Introduction</em></p> +</div> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_xix">[Pg xix]</span></p> + +<div class="chapter"> +<h2 class="nobreak" id="Introduction"><em>Introduction</em></h2> +</div> + +<h3>MY PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE</h3> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">I have</span> had what people call a hard life. I have +been through the depths of poverty and sickness. +I have known want and struggle and anxiety and +despair. I have always had to work beyond the limit +of my strength.</p> + +<p>As I look back upon my life, I see it as a battlefield +strewn with the wrecks of dead dreams and +broken hopes and shattered illusions—a battle in +which I always fought with the odds tremendously +against me, and which has left me scarred and +bruised and maimed and old before my time.</p> + +<p>Yet I have no pity for myself; no tears to shed +over the past and gone sorrows; no envy for the +women who have been spared all that I have gone +through.</p> + +<p>For I have lived. They have only existed. I +have drunk the cup of life down to the very dregs. +They have only sipped at the bubbles on the top of it.</p> + +<p>I know things they will never know. I see things +to which they are blind. It is only the women whose +eyes have been washed clear with tears who get the +broad vision that makes them little sisters to all the +world.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_xx">[Pg xx]</span></p> + +<p>This of itself is a compensation for many sorrows, +but I have more. I have proved myself to +myself. I know that I have the strength to endure +and the courage to carry on, and that I will not be +craven enough to run up the white flag, no matter +what other difficulties I may be called upon to meet.</p> + +<p>The skeleton at the feast of the woman who has +always been happy and prosperous is fear. She becomes +panic-stricken when she thinks that she may +be called upon to meet trouble; that she may have +hardships to endure; that her soul may be torn with +suffering. She suffers with apprehension at the +thought of poverty, and wonders how she could endure +to go shabby and do without the things to which +she is accustomed. She wonders helplessly what she +would do if she had to earn her own living.</p> + +<p><em>I am not afraid of poverty</em> because I have been +poor and I know that poverty has its consolations +and brings you pleasures that money cannot buy. +Nor am I afraid to support myself. I have earned +my bread and butter for many years. I know the +joy of work and I know that to a woman, just the +satisfaction of knowing that she is self-supporting +turns her crust into angel’s food.</p> + +<p>None of the fears with which happy women torture +themselves upon occasion have any terrors for +me. I know them for the bogies they are, and know, +too, that they fly away before the person who does +not cringe before them.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_xxi">[Pg xxi]</span></p> + +<p>Often I am tempted to envy the woman who has +always had some strong man to stand between her +and the world, some man whose tenderness and love +has guarded and protected her. But I am consoled +for not being a clinging vine when I wonder what +the vine would do and think how broken it would be +if the sturdy oak on which it hangs were laid low.</p> + +<p>I have learned in the great University of Hard +Knocks a philosophy that no woman who has had an +easy life ever acquires. I have learned to live each +day as it comes, and not to borrow trouble by dreading +to-morrow. It is the dark menace of the future +that makes cowards of us. I put that dread from me +because experience has taught me that when the time +comes that I so fear, the strength and wisdom to +meet it will be given me.</p> + +<p>Little annoyances have no longer the power to +affect me. After you have seen your whole edifice +of happiness topple and crash in ruins about you, it +never matters to you again that a servant forgets to +put the doilies under the finger bowls or the cook +spills the soup.</p> + +<p>I have learned not to expect too much of people +and so I can still get happiness out of the friend who +isn’t quite true to me, or the acquaintance who gossips +about me, and I can even find pleasure in the +society of those whose motives I see through.</p> + +<p>Above all I have acquired a sense of humor, because +there were so many things over which I had<span class="pagenum" id="Page_xxii">[Pg xxii]</span> +either to laugh or cry. And when a woman can +joke over her troubles instead of having hysterics, +nothing can ever hurt her much again.</p> + +<p>So I do not regret the hardships I have known +because through them I have touched life at every +point. I have lived. And it was worth the price I +had to pay.</p> + +<p class="right"> +<span class="smcap" style="padding-right: 1em">Dorothy Dix.</span></p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</span></p> +<p class="center no-indent fs120 wsp bold"><em>Dorothy Dix—Her Book</em></p> +</div> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p class="center no-indent fs120 wsp bold"><em>Dorothy Dix—Her Book</em></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="I">I<br> +<span class="fs70">HOW A HUSBAND LIKES TO BE TREATED</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Altho</span> marriage has been the chief business +of woman since Eve pulled off the first +wedding in the Garden of Eden, women have +not yet mastered the first indispensable principle +of success in their profession. Millions of women +have been married. Hundreds of thousands of women +marry annually, and yet, as a class, women do not +know how to treat a husband.</p> + +<p>Here and there is a shining exception to this rule, +and the result is an inspiring picture of domestic +bliss. But the great majority of women still go +stumbling along into misery and divorce because +they have not had the wit to find out how to rub +man’s fur the right way, and make him purr under +their hands.</p> + +<p>In a word, women fail to strike just the right note +in their attitude towards their husbands. Sometimes +they treat them better than they deserve. Sometimes<span class="pagenum" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</span> +worse, but seldom do they treat the men just as the +men would like to be treated.</p> + +<p>Perhaps the real reason that women fail in this +most important particular is because they make the +mistake of treating a husband as if he were a rational +human being, and the same sort of an individual +inside of the home circle that he is outside +of it.</p> + +<p>Never was there a greater error. The John +Smith to whom a woman is married is no more the +John Smith of the business world than he is some +other man.</p> + +<p>The John Smith, who is a lawyer, or a doctor, +or a grocer in the outer world, is a big, strong, +broad, self-reliant man who looks at everything +in a large way, and is just, and tolerant, and even +stoical in meeting the vicissitudes of life. The +woman who marries him has perceived all of these +qualities, and loved him for them, and she naturally +expects him to exhibit these characteristics in home +life.</p> + +<p>Fatal blunder. John Smith, the business man, +may be dealt with on a plain, sensible, aboveboard +platform, but John Smith the husband, has to be +jollied, and cajoled, and petted, and wheedled along +the road he should go, if there is anything doing in +the domestic felicity line in the household of which +he is the alleged head.</p> + +<p>Now the majority of husbands average up quite<span class="pagenum" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</span> +as well as the majority of wives, but even when a +man is really good, and true, and strong, experience +teaches his wife that there are three ways in which he +likes her to treat him. They are:</p> + +<p>(a) Like a baby.</p> + +<p>(b) Like a demigod.</p> + +<p>(c) Like a good fellow.</p> + +<p>No matter how big and strong a man is, nor how +many other men he bosses, he wants his wife to +treat him as if he were a delicate infant who had +to be petted, and nursed, and dandled, and chucked +under the chin. There isn’t a man living whose +secret ideal of a perfect wife isn’t a woman who puts +the buttons in his shirt, and lays out his collar and +tie in the morning, who has his slippers toasting on +the radiator when he comes home of an evening, and +who cooks just the particular thing he likes to eat, +with her own hands.</p> + +<p>Talk about your women who can hand out intellectual +companionship! Produce your living pictures! +Exhibit your paragons of virtue! They are +simply not one, two, three with the wise dame who +pets and fusses over her lord and master. And it +isn’t because the man really wants his wife to wait +on him. That doesn’t enter into it at all. He’s just +like the three-year-old who howls for mama to put +on his shoes or butter his bread when there are seven +nurses standing around to do it.</p> + +<p>Men are babyish in wanting their wives to show<span class="pagenum" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</span> +them off. The expression on the face of little Tommy +while his fond mother is telling the smart things +that he said, is exactly the same expression that is +on Tommy’s father’s face while his wife is bragging +about how he organized a trust, or won a big lawsuit, +or was elected judge.</p> + +<p>Wise,—oh, a daughter of Solomon is the woman +who puts her husband through his paces for the +benefit of company. Matrimony is one long, glad +sweet song in the household of the lady who acts as +a showman for hubby.</p> + +<p>Consider also a man when he is sick, or thinks he +is sick. How does he want to be treated then? Like +a baby. He wants his wife to sit by his bed, and +hold his hand, and weep tears of sympathy, and if +she doesn’t believe he is going to die every time he +has a headache, he considers her a cold, heartless +icicle and doubts her affection.</p> + +<p>Therefore, the very first principle in treating a +husband is to treat him as if he was your littlest +baby, and if you do, he will gurgle, and coo just as +your two-year-old does when you smother him with +kisses, and asks: “‘Oose de most booflest boy on earf, +an’ mudders itty, pitty wonder, and world beater?”</p> + +<p>Secondly, every husband likes to be treated as if +he were a demigod.</p> + +<p>Men won’t admit it, but in his soul every husband +feels that he has conferred such an inestimable boon +upon his wife by marrying her that she can never<span class="pagenum" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</span> +really repay him, anyway, but that it is up to her +to keep busy on the job. Therefore, the least she +can do is to act grateful.</p> + +<p>The real reason why there is a continual conflict +in most families over the money question is not because +husbands are stingy, but because a man likes +to dole the money out, piece by piece, so that the +woman who gets it may have a living exhibition of +his generosity.</p> + +<p>When a man complains about how extravagant his +wife is, and how much her hat and dress cost, it +doesn’t mean that he begrudges her a single garment +or the price thereof. On the contrary, it is his way +of boasting to the world of how prosperous he is, +and how well he provides for his family. Stupid, +indeed, is the woman who does not comprehend this, +and who does not keep her glad rags hanging in +public, so to speak, and continually beat upon the +cymbal, and chant pæans of praise about how good +her husband is to provide her with her lovely +clothes.</p> + +<p>Nor is this as silly as it sounds. The average man +gets practically nothing out of his labor, after he +has supported his family, but his board and clothes, +and it is pretty discouraging to spend your life toiling +for those who take all that you can give, and +make no sign of appreciation in return. So it is not +strange that husbands like their wives to treat them<span class="pagenum" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</span> +as a beneficent providence from whom all blessings +flow.</p> + +<p>Husbands like to be treated as good fellows.</p> + +<p>If the average married man could put up one +prayer more fervent than all the rest it would be +this: “Lord, send me a wife who laughs, and a home +that isn’t an understudy to a funeral parlor!”</p> + +<p>But his prayer isn’t often answered.</p> + +<p>Now one of the great reasons why so many husbands +and wives make shipwreck of their lives together +is because a man is always seeking for happiness, +while a woman is on a perpetual still hunt for +trouble. When anything uncomfortable happens to +a man he tries to forget it, to put it behind him, to +get it out of his thoughts, even if he has to drown it +in drink. When a misfortune befalls a woman she +gloats over it. She keeps pressing her finger on +every sore until she makes a raging abscess of it. +Then she goes on a jag of tears.</p> + +<p>The result of this feminine peculiarity is that the +average home is not a cheerful place, nor is the average +wife a joyous companion, and that is why a very +large number of husbands seek their amusements +elsewhere, and with other people. The greatest danger +that menaces domesticity is that so many wives +are killjoys.</p> + +<p>The question is often asked—why do men, who +are penurious and niggardly to their families, and +who never pay a household bill without grumbling,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</span> +spend money so lavishly on their vices? The answer +is easy. A man’s home is dull, and the money that +his family costs him gives him no fillip of pleasure. +The other does. The home has been made to mean +to him nothing but hard duty, ungilded by any joy. +The opening of champagne for chorus girls is to +the tune of gaiety and laughter. Therefore, he is +willing to pay for one and begrudges paying for the +other.</p> + +<p>Once I was listening to a group of intelligent +people discuss the most desirable quality in a wife. +They named the usual standard virtues until suddenly +one man burst out in a voice surcharged with +genuine emotion.</p> + +<p>“I tell you,” he said, “what a man wants in a wife +more than anything else is a cheerful companion. +Goodness? Bah! All women, at least the kind a +man marries, are good. Economy? A man likes to +spend money on his wife. Amiability? Who wants +a simpering doll always about? Domesticity? Stuff +and nonsense. A man’s stomach isn’t the most important +part of him. Besides there is a good restaurant +on every corner, if he is bound to gorge +himself on food.</p> + +<p>“I tell you what a man wants is cheerfulness in his +wife. He wants to come home at night to somebody +who will meet him with a smile, somebody who has +got a lot of bright little things to tell him, and who +can make him laugh, somebody who is willing to put<span class="pagenum" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</span> +on her prettiest dress and go out with him if he +wants to go to any place of amusement.</p> + +<p>“He doesn’t want to come home to a woman who +is sodden with tears, or who is running over with +the accumulated worries of the day that she dumps +on him, who is full of her own and other people’s +hard luck stories, and who looks like a chapter of +the Lamentations of Jeremiah.”</p> + +<p>Of course, whether a wife is melancholy or not +does not, from an ethical standpoint, alter her husband’s +duty to her. He should be strong enough to +love and cherish her no matter how lacrimose she +is; but the martyr’s crown is a piece of headgear that +is distinctly unfashionable at the present time, and +most men duck wearing it. Wherefore, it behooves +the Amalgamated Order of Doleful Wives to cheer +up, and try to be more lively companions to their +husbands if they don’t want those gentlemen to stray +off in search of ladies with sunnier dispositions.</p> + +<p>As a matter of fact, men are, emotionally, very +primitive creatures with a few simple domestic wants. +They desire to be petted, and jollied, and looked up +to by their wives, and then they want to be treated +as good fellows. They want their wives to be chums +with them, and not reforming institutions, or lecture +bureaus.</p> + +<p>The average man simply pines for cheerful comradeship +from his wife. He wants her to enjoy the +things that he does, to like the people he likes, to<span class="pagenum" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</span> +amuse herself with the things that divert him. He +wants to hear her laugh, to see her eyes sparkle, and +for her to treat him as on a par with herself, as if +they were joyous fellow sinners together, instead of +her being a living reproof to him as a poor low-browed +creature, with musical-comedy tastes that +make her shudder.</p> + +<p>Yet do you ever notice the ordinary married +couple out together? It is one of the most piteous +sights on earth. The man is spending his money +trying to give his wife a good time, and she meets his +noble efforts with the rasping qualities of a crosscut +saw. That is what gives eternal pungency to +the old Weber and Fields joke about the man who, +when asked if he was going to take his wife with him +on a trip to Paris, replied: “No, I am going on a +pleasure excursion.”</p> + +<p>Of course whether it is any more a woman’s place +to get along with her husband than it is his to get +along with her is another fight, which I am not trying +to referee here. So also is the question of how a wife +likes to be treated. What I have tried to show is +how a husband would like his wife to pull the wool +over his eyes and put on the velvet glove before she +tries to manage him—because men really enjoy being +bamboozled by women who turn out a nice artistic +job. What they object to is not being henpecked, +but the raw way in which their wives do it.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="II">II<br> +<span class="fs70">CHARM</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Over</span> and over again girls ask me these questions: +What is charm? What is the secret +of the attraction that some women have for +men?</p> + +<p>What is the “come-hither” look in the eye that +some women have that makes every man who beholds +it get up and follow them?</p> + +<p>Why do some girls always have hosts of beaux +flocking about them, while other girls just as good-looking, +just as clever, just as good dancers, just +as anxious to please, never have a date or a single +sweetheart to bless themselves with?</p> + +<p>And to all of these questions I have to answer, +sadly and disconsolately, that I do not know. I +have to give up the conundrum, which is perhaps +the riddle that the Sphinx, who is partly a woman, +has brooded over through the centuries in her desert +solitude, without ever being able to solve it.</p> + +<p>In Barrie’s delightful play, “What Every Woman +Knows,” Maggie’s brothers, discussing her with the +brutal frankness with which brothers approach the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</span> +subject of a sister, agreed that she wasn’t young, +nor brilliant, and that she was homely, yet all the +men were after her. Finally one of the brothers +said: “But she’s got that damned charm.” And +that was that.</p> + +<p>When a woman has that damned charm she can +snap her fingers in the face of flappers and living pictures, +and marry as early and as often as she pleases +as is witnessed by the many fat, pie-faced women we +all know who have had two, and three, or more, husbands +apiece, and who still have a waiting list in +case anything untoward and fatal should happen to +the gentlemen to whom they are at present united +in the holy bonds of matrimony.</p> + +<p>But what is this charm, what is this rabbit’s foot +that some lucky women carry, and others do not? +To say that it is personality is to attempt to explain +one mystery by another mystery, for we do not know +in what personal magnetism consists, or by what +power one individual draws us, while another repulses +us.</p> + +<p>We know that it isn’t beauty, because the best +lookers among girls are seldom the most popular, +and men who profess to worship beauty are generally +content to adore it from a safe distance, and show +no disposition to marry it. It is notorious that +beauties seldom make good matches. Nor does +charm consist of intelligence. Being a highbrow +booms no woman’s stock, socially or matrimonially,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</span> +while a witty woman cuts her throat with her own +tongue.</p> + +<p>To be a spellbinder is for a girl’s fairy godmother +to have wished a curse instead of a blessing upon +her, for no woman is more anathema to men than +the human phonograph. Even dancing, chief of accomplishments +in these jazzy days when it is of +more profit for a woman to have her brains in her +heels than in her head, is but a passing attraction, +while amiability and a sweet nature, woman’s traditional +one best bet, are like a sticking plaster, potent +to hold a man after marriage, but of small value in +luring him into it.</p> + +<p>Undoubtedly, charm in its perfection is a gift of +the gods, but happily, in these days, when nature +proves a cruel stepmother who is so mean and stingy +that she does not give us all that is coming to us, +we have learned to circumvent the lady. No woman +need be as ugly as God made her, nor as unattractive +as she was born. Drug-store complexions can put +the inherited ones to the blush, and any girl who is +willing to take the trouble can acquire a line of lures +and graces that will make any bona fide siren tremble +for her job. To the girl, then, who wishes to acquire +charm, and who especially wishes to attract men, I +would say, first, stress your femininity.</p> + +<p>I don’t mean be namby-pamby and weepy and dish-raggy, +without any backbone. That type of woman +has gone out of fashion as completely as bustles and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</span> +hoopskirts. No man now would be bored with the +sort of perfect lady his grandmother was. But the +eternal feminine remains still the eternal attraction +for men, and the more womanly a woman is, the +gentler, the tenderer, the sweeter, the more she appeals +to men. If you will notice when a man speaks +of the woman he loves, he invariably calls her “little” +no matter if she is six feet high and weighs 200 +pounds. What he means is that she gives him the reaction +of depending upon him, of looking up to him, +and that in some subtle way she flatters his vanity +by giving him the sense of masculine superiority.</p> + +<p>You never see an aggressive, double-fisted woman, +who fights her way as a man does, get anywhere. And +in his soul every man adores frills and furbelows, +and likes to see women dolled up. That is why girls +make such a terrible mistake when they ape mannish +ways, and wear mannish clothes. When a girl puts +on knickerbockers she throws her trump card into +the discard.</p> + +<p>To the girl who wishes to acquire charm I would +also whisper this secret: Make of yourself a mirror +in which other people look upon themselves. Especially +let men see a flattering reflection of themselves +in your eyes. Can your own personal vanity. Listen +with bated breath while other people tell you of +their exploits, but never mention your own. Enthuse +over their cars, their dogs. Marvel at their adventures. +Sympathize with their disappointments.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</span> +Give the glad hand to their successes, and you will +be universally regarded as a woman of perfect taste, +wonderful insight, profound judgment, a brilliant +talker and a companion of whom one could never +weary. It is the tireless listeners, and not the endless +talkers, whom men take out to dinner.</p> + +<p>To the girl who wishes to develop charm I would +likewise earnestly recommend an intensive course of +self-analysis. I would say to her: “Study yourself. +Find out what you can wear and what you cannot +wear. Find out the things that you can do and get +away with, and the things that you cannot do without +making yourself appear either a dumbbell or a +figure of fun. Then, having ascertained what are +your best points, turn the spotlight on them. Emphasize +them until you make everybody sit up and +take notice, so that even casual acquaintances will +remember you as the girl who always wears pink, or +the girl who always dresses in black, or the girl with +the Mona Lisa smile, or the girl who is so jolly and +such a cut-up, or the girl who listens to you with +such an absorbed expression on her face that you +could go on talking to her forever. I would urge +girls to try to be themselves, plus, as they say in +business, and to raise whatever charms of body, or +mind, or heart, they have to its <em>n</em>th power. That is +the best way to acquire personality, the “something +different” about us that sets us apart from every<span class="pagenum" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</span> +other human being, instead of our being just one +of the herd.</p> + +<p>Don’t be a copycat. Don’t understudy the mannerisms +of another girl just because she happens to +be popular. Imitation airs and graces have about as +much sparkle to them as imitation diamonds. Besides, +you never can make a go of it. You can’t put +on another woman’s characteristics any more than +you can her clothes, and make them seem as if they +were your own birthday suit. They are always a +grotesque misfit. Charm has to be made to order +and cut to the measurement of the individual. That +is why one girl may do bold, outrageous things and +everybody only shrugs his shoulders and laughs at +her, while another girl is sent to Coventry for not +doing half so much. That is why some women always +have a masculine shoulder offered for them to +weep upon, while men tell other women not to be fools +whenever they shed a tear.</p> + +<p>So the trick is for the girl to find out what her own +class is and qualify for the blue ribbon in that instead +of trying to force her way into a bunch of +prize winners where she doesn’t belong and where she +will be thrown out by the judges. Yet many girls +make the mistake of doing this very thing. A quiet, +serious-minded, mouse-like little girl observes that +some gay and dashing girl, who has quicksilver in +her veins and over whose lips laughter bubbles as +spontaneously as a mountain spring, is much admired<span class="pagenum" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</span> +and sought after and is the life of the party +wherever she goes.</p> + +<p>“Aha! Vivacity is what makes a girl popular,” +says the demure one to herself. “I will also be +sprightly, and merry, and make a hit.”</p> + +<p>So she tries to imitate the high spirits of the gay +girl, but she can’t do it. Her home-made vivacity +is as flat as home-brew beer beside imported champagne. +Instead of being bright, she is loud. Instead +of laughing, she giggles. Instead of being +sprightly, she jumps around like a monkey on a +stick. She is so afraid she won’t talk enough that +she chatters incessantly, and instead of amusing +people she bores them to death.</p> + +<p>Yet the very girl who is such a failure as a live +wire could have charmed every one if only she had +given a master performance of girlish sweetness, and +gentleness, and quietness. She could have been a +great success if she had remained the shrinking +violet that nature made her, but she was a rank failure +as a gaudy sunflower.</p> + +<p>Then there is the big, Amazonian woman who tries +to be cute and cunning, because she sees some baby +doll getting the glad hand when she curls up on +sofas, and sits on one foot, and perches on the edges +of tables, and who only succeeds in looking like a performing +elephant instead of a playful kitten when +she performs these stunts. And there is the woman +without an inch of funny bone in her whole anatomy<span class="pagenum" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</span> +who tries to tell good stories because she sees some +jolly woman raconteur set the table in a roar at dinner +parties, and who wonders why people burst into +tears instead of into peals of mirth when she recites +her carefully memorized jokes.</p> + +<p>They couldn’t fill other women’s rôles, yet the big +woman could have made us worship her as a goddess +if she had stayed on her pedestal instead of coming +down and trying to do double somersaults in the +ring. We would have listened eagerly enough to intelligent +talk from a serious thinker who didn’t try +to be funny, for Heaven knows we get tired enough +of amateur jokesmiths who think we want to be +perpetually tickled in the ribs. Believe me, girls, +there is much wisdom in the old proverb that advises +the shoemaker to stick to his last. We are most admirable +when we are what nature made us with the +aid of a few little arts and embellishments to throw +the original model up into higher relief. So I counsel +you to make the most of yourselves. Abandon the +foolish attempt of trying to make yourselves over +into a poor copy of some woman who is admired. +Charm isn’t standardized. It has a million forms, +and every woman should illustrate her own particular +version of it.</p> + +<p>After all what we call charm is largely a matter of +personality and the girl who wishes to cultivate that +elusive something that we call personality does well +to pay much attention to her dress. This sounds<span class="pagenum" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</span> +like superfluous advice to the sex whose brains are +mostly cut on the bias and shirred in the middle, and +which is more concerned over the hang of a skirt +than it is over the state of its immortal soul. It is +not too much to say that three-fourths of women’s +thoughts and interest in life and heart-felt desires +and envies are concentrated upon clothes, and the +marvel always is that they can put so much effort +on a subject and get such poor results.</p> + +<p>For the great majority of women only think of +dress in terms of fashion, and they follow the mode +of the moment as sheep follow their leader over a +wall. They wear blue or purple, pink or green, short +skirts or long skirts, tight ones or full ones, without +any reference to their complexions or whether +their ankles are sylphlike or like the legs of a piano, +or whether they are living skeletons, or have featherbed +figures. The result is that thousands upon +thousands of women look as if their worst enemy +had bought their clothes, and their hats are a premeditated +insult to their faces. But they go their +way, serene and happy, having done the worst they +could by themselves, but blissful in the knowledge +that they are wearing what everybody else is wearing. +Apparently it never enters the average woman’s +head that by clothing herself in the feminine uniform +of the hour she makes herself indistinguishable in the +mob, or that she could call attention to herself by +breaking away from it, and dressing to suit her own<span class="pagenum" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</span> +particular type. Still less does it occur to her +that her clothes offer her an invaluable mode of self-expression, +and that by them she can emphasize her +good points and camouflage her defects.</p> + +<p>Yet every moving picture, every play she sees, +offers a girl an object lesson in the psychology of +clothes that she does not heed. She never asks herself +why the innocent, trusting maiden, too artless +for her own good, always wears a white muslin and +a blue sash; why the ingenue is always a mass of +fluffy ruffles; why the betrayed heroine always wears +a slinky black dress; why the adventuress is clothed +in crimson and spangles; why the vamp invariably +wears long jade earrings, and a quart of beads, and +very little else.</p> + +<p>Yet astute stage managers have found that the +surest way to make an audience visualize a woman +in a certain way is to have her dress the part. A +girl might, of course, be as innocent in a crimson +dress as a white one; a woman might be as heartbroken +in a pink silk and lace negligee as she is in +a bedraggled black alpaca, but it would take a long +argument to convince us of it, and we wouldn’t weep +nearly as freely over her woes as we do when we get +an eyeful of her in the clothes that tell us at once +just what a poor, innocent, persecuted heroine she +is.</p> + +<p>Surely this should suggest to every girl the wisdom +of retiring to her closet, and having a heart-to-heart<span class="pagenum" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</span> +session with her wardrobe, and a vivisection +party with her character, and thereby try to find out +how to dress her soul as well as her body, so as best +and most effectively to press-agent her individuality, +so to speak.</p> + +<p>If she is of the bold and dashing type, let her +flaunt herself like a sunflower in daring costumes +and flaming colors, but if she is of the quiet and +gentle sort, soft fabrics, chiffons and laces and pastel +shades belong to her, and make her look like the traditional +modest violet that every man dreams of securing +as a wife. Let the girl who is flat-chested and +athletic rejoice in her sport clothes. That is her +note, and brings out a certain piquant boyishness +which is her greatest attraction. But let the girl +who is plump, with gracious curves, make the most +of her femininity by decking herself out in the frilliest +frocks that she can find. Each will lose in charm +if she swaps her plumage for the other’s.</p> + +<p>Dangling ornaments, floating ribbons and jingling +bracelets belong to the gay and foolish and frivolous, +but they detract from the dignity of the stately, +thoughtful, serious-minded woman. A tailor-made +suit is equal to a certificate of virtue, and when a girl +is applying for a job a plain, dark-colored suit will +do more to land her the position than a gilt-edged +reference. Nobody ever believes that a girl in a low-necked, +no-sleeved frock can ever be a competent business +woman. She doesn’t look it. Every woman<span class="pagenum" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</span> +knows that her eyes seem twice as blue if she has a +blue lining to her hat, and that she can turn a spotlight +on her every freckle by wearing a spotted +dress. In the same way she can bring out her characteristics +by the way she dresses. If she wishes +to emphasize her cuteness, she can do it by dressing +like a baby doll. If she wishes to be thought a goddess, +she can add to her divinity by long-trailing +robes. If she wishes to be thought a good sport and +treated as a pal by men, sport clothes are hers, while +if domesticity is her long suit, she can turn the trick +by wearing ruffled little white aprons at home. So +study your type, girls, and dress the part, if you +want to make the most of the attractions with which +nature has endowed you.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="III">III<br> +<span class="fs70">THE ORDINARY WOMAN</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">I wish</span> that I had the distributing of some of +the Carnegie medals for heroes. I would give +one to just the Ordinary Woman. It is true +that she never manned a lifeboat in a stormy sea, +or plunged into a river to save a drowning person. +It is true that she never stopped a runaway horse, +or dashed into a burning building, or gave any other +spectacular exhibition of courage.</p> + +<p>She has only stood at her post thirty, or forty, +or fifty years, fighting sickness and poverty and +loneliness, and disappointment so quietly, with such +a Spartan fortitude that the world has never noticed +her achievements. Yet, in the presence of the Ordinary +Woman, the battle-scarred veteran, with his +breast covered with medals signifying valor, may +well stand uncovered before one braver than he.</p> + +<p>There is nothing high and heroic in her appearance. +She is just a commonplace woman, plainly +dressed, with a tired face and work-worn hands—the +kind of woman that you meet a hundred times a +day upon the street without ever giving her a second<span class="pagenum" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</span> +glance, still less saluting her as a heroine. Nevertheless, +as much as the bravest soldier, she is entitled +to the cross of the Legion of Honor for distinguished +gallantry on the Battlefield of Life.</p> + +<p>Years and years ago, when she was fresh and +young, and gay, and light-hearted, she was married. +Her head, as is the case with most girls, was full of +dreams. Her husband was to be a Prince Charming, +always tender and considerate and loving, shielding +her from every care and worry. Life itself was to be +a fairy tale.</p> + +<p>One by one the dreams fell away. The husband +was a good man, but he grew indifferent to her before +long. He ceased to notice when she put on a fresh +ribbon. He never paid her the little compliments +for which a woman’s soul hungers. He never gave +her a kiss or a caress, and their married life sank +into a deadly monotony that had no romance to +brighten it, no joy or love to lighten it.</p> + +<p>Day after day she sewed and cooked and cleaned +and mended to make a comfortable home for a man +who did not even give her the poor pay of a few +words of appreciation. At his worst he was cross +and querulous. At his best he was silent, and would +gobble his food like a hungry animal and subside into +his paper, leaving her to spend a dull and monotonous +evening after a dull and monotonous day.</p> + +<p>The husband was not one of the fortunate few who +have the gift of making money. He worked hard,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</span> +but opportunity does not smile on every man, and +the wolf was never very far away from their door.</p> + +<p>Women know the worst of poverty. It is the wife, +who has the spending of the insufficient family income, +who learns all the bitter ways of scrimping +and paring and saving. The husband must present +a decent appearance, for policy’s sake, when he +goes to business; certain things are necessities for +the children; and so the heaviest of all the deprivations +fall upon the woman who stays at home and +strives to make one dollar do the work of five.</p> + +<p>That is the way of the Ordinary Woman; and +what sacrifices she makes, what tastes she crucifies, +what longings for pretty things and dainty things +she smothers, not even her own family guess. They +think it is an eccentricity that makes her choose the +neck of the chicken and the hard end of the loaf and +to stay at home from any little outing. Ah, if they +only knew!</p> + +<p>For each of her children she trod the Gethsemane +of woman, only to go through that slavery of motherhood +which the woman endures who is too poor to +hire competent nurses. For years and years she +never knew what it was to have a single night’s unbroken +sleep. The small hours of the morning found +her walking the colic, or nursing the croup, or covering +restless little sleepers, or putting water to +thirsty little lips.</p> + +<p>There was no rest for her, day or night. There<span class="pagenum" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</span> +was always a child in her arms or clinging to her +skirts. Oftener than not she was sick and nerve-worn +and weary almost to death, but she never failed +to rally to the call of “Mother!” as a good soldier +rallies to his battle-cry.</p> + +<p>Nobody called her brave, and yet, when one of the +children came down with malignant diphtheria, she +braved death a hundred times, in bending over the +little sufferer, without one thought of danger. And +when the little one was laid away under the sod, she +who had loved most was the first to gather herself +together and take up the burden of life for the +others.</p> + +<p>The supreme moment of the Ordinary Woman’s +life, however, came when she educated her children +above herself and lifted them out of her sphere. She +did this with deliberation. She knew that in sending +her bright boy and talented girl off to college she +was opening up to them paths in which she could +not follow; she knew that the time would come when +they would look upon her with pitying tolerance or +contempt, or perhaps—God help her!—be ashamed +of her.</p> + +<p>But she did not falter in her self-sacrifice. She +worked a little harder, she denied herself a little +more, to give them the advantages that she never +had. In this she was only like millions of other Ordinary +Women who are toiling over cooking-stoves, +slaving at sewing-machines, pinching and economizing<span class="pagenum" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</span> +to educate and cultivate their children—digging +with their own hands the chasm that will separate +them almost as much as death itself would.</p> + +<p>Wherefore I say the Ordinary Woman is the real +heroine of life.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="IV">IV<br> +<span class="fs70">TEACH THE CHILDREN TO LOVE FATHER</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Are</span> you teaching your children to love and +admire their father? Do you ceaselessly +point out to your children their father’s +good qualities? Do you hold their father up as a +hero before your children’s eyes? Do you teach +your children to appreciate their father? If you +do not, you are not giving your husband a fair deal, +nor a run for his money. Fatherhood calls for just +as many sacrifices as motherhood does. The only +coin in which these can be repaid is affection and +gratitude, and if he is defrauded of these he is poor +indeed.</p> + +<p>From the time the first baby is born the average +man becomes literally the slave of his family. He +sells himself into bondage so that his children may +live soft; that they may have advantages that he +never had in his youth; that they may enjoy luxuries +he never knew. He works overtime and grows +prematurely old and bent, that his boys may go to +college and belong to smart clubs and have automobiles, +and that his daughters may attend fashionable<span class="pagenum" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</span> +schools, and dress like fashion plates, and go in the +right circles.</p> + +<p>It is father who stays at home and works through +hot summers and cold winters, when the family goes +to Europe. It is father who wears the shabbiest +clothes. It is father who has the worst room and +the smallest closet space in the home. The percentage +of money that father spends on himself and +in gratifying his own personal tastes and desires is +negligible. Virtually all the money he has earned +by a lifetime of hard toil has been lavished on his +family.</p> + +<p>Whether this pays or not, whether all of this +labor and anxiety and self-denial have been worthless +or not, depends altogether on his children’s attitude +toward him. If they love him; if they are grateful +to him; if they appreciate what he has done for +them, it is the best investment that a man ever made, +and it makes him richer than any millionaire. But +if his children are indifferent and callous; if they +take all that he has done for them as no more than +their due, and without even a “thank you”; if they +see in him nothing but a shabby little man who +hasn’t been particularly successful as a moneymaker, +then all his life work goes for nothing. His +sacrifices are without reward. He is bankrupt in +heart.</p> + +<p>Now, the attitude of children toward their father +is almost entirely determined by their mother; and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</span> +whether they look upon him as a superior being to +be adored and worshiped, or merely as a cash register +that they can punch whenever they want any +money, depends altogether upon what she has taught +them. There are women who teach their children to +hate and fear their father by making him an ogre +to them. When the children are bad the little culprits +are always threatened with what their father +will do to them. The mother thus makes the father +the hanging judge who inflicts punishment on the +small sinners.</p> + +<p>In this way the mother fills the child’s imagination +with a picture of its father as of some dread +creature who is always lying in wait to chastise +him, and who could never have any sympathy or +understanding with him, and with whom he could +never have any possible companionship.</p> + +<p>“I’ll tell your father on you when he comes home,” +is the curse that millions of women lay between their +children and their husbands, and that seals the children’s +hearts forever against the fathers who have +given them their very life blood.</p> + +<p>There are other women who teach their children to +regard their fathers simply as money-making machines +that exist solely for their own use and benefit. +What the children want they must have at any cost +to father, and mother undertakes to nag it out of +him. The children see that mother has no consideration +for father and they grow up to have none.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</span></p> + +<p>She never tells them that they must not even ask +for something they desire because business is bad +and their father is harassed and worried about +money. She never tells them that they must stay at +home and let father have a little trip, because he is +sick and nerve-worn. She lets them wring the last +penny out of him with no more feeling for him than +if he were some sort of automatic device worked by +her for supplying their desires and needs.</p> + +<p>Other women teach their children to despise their +fathers by always criticizing them and calling attention +to their faults. They are forever telling the +children that their fathers are lacking in enterprise, +that they are poor business men, that they are too +easy and let people take advantage of them, that +they are high-tempered and hard to get along with, +that they have this and that weakness, until the +child’s mind is thoroughly poisoned with the idea +that his father amounts to nothing and his opinions +are not to be respected.</p> + +<p>Very few women ever deliberately set themselves +to teach their children to love and appreciate their +fathers. Very few women ever try to make their +children see their fathers as heroes who, for their +sakes, are fighting the battle of life as bravely and +gallantly as any knight of old. Very few women +teach their children to show any gratitude to the +fathers who have sacrificed so much for them. Why +so many women fail in this important duty is partly<span class="pagenum" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</span> +through carelessness and a lack of thought, but +mostly because of an unconscious mother jealousy. +They want to be first with their children and monopolize +their love. But it is a cruel thing to the child, +and to the father. It robs them both of so much +joy in each other that they miss.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="V">V<br> +<span class="fs70">STRIKE A BALANCE WITH MATRIMONY</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">I get</span> hundreds upon hundreds of letters from +disgruntled wives bemoaning their fates. They +tell me that they are sick and weary of the monotony +of domestic drudgery; that they have few +amusements; that their husbands are indifferent to +them and never pay them any compliments or show +them any affection; that their husbands find fault +with them for their every mistake, but never give +them one word of praise for all the good work +they do.</p> + +<p>And these women have brooded over the hardships +of their lot until they have grown morbid and they +see the world as one great gob of gloom, with themselves +as the blackest spot in it.</p> + +<p>Without doubt, marriage is a cruel and a bitter +disappointment to nine-tenths of those who enter +into the holy estate. Especially is it disillusioning +to women because they build such impossible hopes +upon it, and go into it with such a blind faith that +they are going to find it an earthly paradise.</p> + +<p>It is incredible, but it is true, that despite her +lifelong knowledge of the daily life her mother has<span class="pagenum" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</span> +led and her observation of the domestic strife in +the households of her married friends and neighbors, +every girl honestly believes that her own matrimonial +venture will be a perpetual picnic, and that the +man she marries will remain the perfect lover.</p> + +<p>Of course, it doesn’t happen, and when the woman +finds out that her own marriage brings her more +kicks than ha’pence; when she realizes that she must +share the common lot; when she has to bend her back +to the hard and dreary labor of making a family +comfortable, for which she gets neither the glad +hand nor a pay envelope, and when she has to put +up with a man who seems to have cornered the whole +visible supply of pure cussedness, why, it gets upon +her nerves, and she feels like flunking it.</p> + +<p>So she beats upon her breast and cries out that +this is not the marriage of which she dreamed. This +sordid existence is not what she married for.</p> + +<p>Of course, it isn’t. But it is marriage as it is. +None of us realize our ideals. Our dreams never +come true. And even when we get what we want, it +is so warped and twisted that it is no longer the +object of our desires, and we have paid for it more +than it is worth. That is life.</p> + +<p>To these unhappy wives I would offer this bit of +homely counsel:</p> + +<p>Sit down, sisters, and have a real heart-to-heart +session with your own souls. Put out of your mind +firmly and for all time the idiotic idea that there is<span class="pagenum" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</span> +any lot of perfect peace and happiness, any road +you might have traveled that is not strewn with +tacks. Worry and anxiety and sickness and sorrow +and disappointment and loneliness are the portion +alike of the highest and the lowest, and you cannot +escape the human lot. It is life.</p> + +<p>Then take a calm and dispassionate survey of +your own situation. You will find your work tiresome +and monotonous. So does every other person +in the world find his or hers. The thing we do for +our daily bread is bound to become a grind. Do you +think for a moment that the banker doesn’t get sick +and weary of grappling with credits and loans; that +the author doesn’t have to flog himself to his desk; +that the actor doesn’t weary of the lines he has said +over thousands of times; that the film star is not +nauseated with grease paint?</p> + +<p>Every one thrills to his task at first as you did +to your new pots and pans and bridal furniture. +But the novelty wears off, and then comes the long, +grim stretch of carrying on, because it is your job +to which you have set your hand and which you +mean to make a good job just because it is yours. +That is life.</p> + +<p>You complain that your husband takes your good +work as a matter of course, but he howls loud and +long over your mistakes. That is what happens to +all workers. If you were a stenographer and spelled +one word wrong; if you were a saleswoman and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</span> +made one error in your calculations, your boss would +pass over the thousands of words you had spelled +correctly and the hundreds of good sales you had +made, to call you down for your blunder.</p> + +<p>If you were a writer or an actor, you would find +that the critics would forget all the good work you +had done to call attention to the weakness of your +new book, or bemoan the performance you gave in +a new part. As long as we walk straight no one +notices it, but when we fall off the path we attract +attention. It is life.</p> + +<p>These unhappy wives ask, “What shall I do?” +and one knows not how to answer the question. To +tell them that, if they are patient and forbearing, +and go on doing their duty as wives, they can change +mean husbands into good ones is to tell them a +wicked lie, and mislead them with false hopes. The +leopard changes his spots just about as often as a +man does his disposition, and I have yet to see the +tightwad become generous; the surly, glum man turn +into a ray of sunshine in his home; or the hard, cold, +selfish man become the perfect lover to his wife.</p> + +<p>Nor is divorce the solution of the unhappy wife’s +problem. Marriage is not an episode of which you +can say when you get a divorce, “This unpleasant +chapter of my life is ended. I will shut the book, +and forget all about it, and be perfectly happy +henceforth.” Marriage sets its ineffaceable seal upon +a woman, it colors her whole life; and divorce can<span class="pagenum" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</span> +no more give her back her lost joy, and faith, and +trust, than it can restore her lost girlhood.</p> + +<p>Besides, there are nearly always children to consider; +children whose welfare a good mother places +above her own; children for whom a home must be +kept together; children who must be educated; who +must be started in life, who need a father’s support +and control. Divorce is not for the woman with +children unless conditions are absolutely intolerable. +And for the woman herself divorce is often a jumping +out of the frying pan into the fire, for when she +finds that she is rid of an unkind husband, she has +to face a world that is unkinder still. Generally the +woman has no private fortune. The courts award +her but a meager alimony, and the collecting of that +is generally about the hardest job on earth. She is +trained to no business or occupation. Nobody +wants her services, and she comes to know that the +grumbling of an ill-tempered husband is no harder +to endure than the howl of the wolf outside of her +door.</p> + +<p>Perhaps the best advice that one can offer these +unhappy wives is to try to forget what they expected +of marriage, and to just put it on a business +basis, so much for so much, with a settled determination +to make the best of a bad bargain. Their +little flier in Heart’s Consolidated hasn’t paid the +dividends they expected it to. Well, our speculations +seldom do. Their matrimonial partners have<span class="pagenum" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</span> +proved hard to get along with. Well, many business +men endure cranky men partners, who rasp +their nerves, for the sake of the good of the firm.</p> + +<p>And on the credit side of the ledger the unhappy +wife can set this down, that she has, at least, her +home, and her settled position in society, and they +are great gain. It takes years and years of struggle +and striving for the lone woman to reach the goal +where she can have her own house, and gather about +her the household gods that women worship, and +that bless one by their presence.</p> + +<p>I am not arguing that a woman would consider a +house, no matter if it were a palace, a satisfactory +substitute for a tender, loving husband, but I am +trying to induce the woman who has an indifferent +husband to realize that she is not half as badly off +as she thinks she is, as long as she has her creature +comforts.</p> + +<p>Fortunately, the law of compensation always +holds. The man who is a poor husband is often a +good provider. Flirtatious husbands often atone +for their sidesteppings with diamonds and furs. +Stingy ones leave women rich widows. Even +grouches leave their wives free to amuse themselves +in their own way. After all, life is a series +of compromises. If we don’t get the best, we are +very foolish to throw away the second best and +the wise woman who finds marriage a failure doesn’t +go into physical and spiritual bankruptcy. She<span class="pagenum" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</span> +gets the best out of what she has. She makes the +most of her bargain.</p> + +<p>All of which just boils down into this: Dry your +eyes on your best embroidered towels, O ye disgruntled +sisters, and realize that you are not so +unfortunate as you think you are, and what you are +called upon to bear is just life.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="VI">VI<br> +<span class="fs70">JEALOUSY</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">A woman</span> wants to know if there is any cure +for jealousy. She says that she knows her +husband loves her devotedly. He is true +and faithful to her. He is as domesticated as the +house cat and casts no roving eye at the pretty +flappers. Nevertheless, every time he speaks to +another woman she endures grinding torments of +suspicion.</p> + +<p>There is only one cure for jealousy. That is to +use a little common sense, but this puts the remedy +out of the reach of the green-eyed, because jealousy +is a form of insanity.</p> + +<p>It is a lack of mental balance that makes people +imagine things that do not exist, that causes them +to see deep, dark plots in the most innocent acts and +that makes them deliberately torture themselves by +believing that the ones that they love most are traitors +to them. Also, it is what the alienists call “the +exaggerated ego” that makes any man or woman +believe that he or she can supply another individual’s +whole need of human companionship.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</span></p> + +<p>For jealousy isn’t confined solely to lovers. Some +of the most acute attacks are the jealousy that men +and women feel for their in-laws. Sometimes parents +are even jealous of their own children. Wives are +often jealous of their husband’s business, and always +jealous of the old friends of their bachelor days. +But however and wherever it is, and no matter how +causeless and needless it may be, jealousy poisons +the life and ruins the happiness of all of those who +indulge in it. It is the source of endless quarrels +between husbands and wives, and it slays love quicker +than any other one thing. Indeed, the jealous bring +down the curse they fear upon their own heads.</p> + +<p>By their suspicions the jealous materialize the +very thing they most dread, for there is no surer +way of driving a man or a woman into philandering +than by keeping dangling continually before his or +her eyes a romantic possibility in which he or she is +likely to indulge at any moment. Many a married +man would never think of himself as a lady-killer—in +fact, he would consider that he was married and +settled, and done with sentimental episodes, except +that his wife keeps alive his belief in himself as a +heart-smasher by her jealousy. If she considers him +so fascinating that she is afraid to let him have a +casual conversation with another woman, or take a +turn around a ballroom floor with a pretty girl, he +argues that he must be some sheik. And so he buys +him some Klassy Kut Kollege Klothes and sets his<span class="pagenum" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</span> +hat on the side of his head and proceeds to justify +her once groundless suspicions.</p> + +<p>Furthermore, jealousy is its own undoing, because +it strikes a death blow at our personal liberty, which +is dearer to us and more necessary to our happiness +than any man or woman ever is. None of us likes to +be called upon to furnish an alibi. None of us enjoys +being put through a questionnaire about everything +that was said to us and everything we said. +None of us but resents not being free to go and come +as we like within reasonable bounds and to hold ordinary +social intercourse with any one we choose. So +if husbands and wives went about deliberately to kill +every particle of affection that their mates have for +them, they could take no better way to do it than +by spying upon them, by attributing unworthy motives +to them, by curtailing their freedom and by +making such jealous scenes that, for the sake of +peace, they are forced to lie and deceive. Besides, +jealousy is an unforgivable insult.</p> + +<p>There are women who have conniption fits every +time their husbands make themselves agreeable to +their dinner partners or take a chance-met old +woman friend out to lunch. There are wives who +never believe that their husbands can admire a beautiful +woman or enjoy the society of a brilliant one +innocently. They attribute the basest motives to +the men they love and accuse them not only of being +faithless, but of the grossest animalism, which was<span class="pagenum" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</span> +far and away from the thoughts of the poor gentlemen.</p> + +<p>Finally, jealousy is an indication of the inferiority +complex. The woman who is jealous of all +other women in her heart believes them all her superiors. +She believes them better looking, more intelligent, +more charming, with more attraction for her +husband than she has. That is why she is so afraid +of their getting him away from her. You can’t imagine +a queen being jealous of a milkmaid or a Lillian +Russell being jealous of an ugly duckling, or a +star dancer not being willing to have her husband to +tread a measure with some lump of a girl who would +walk all over his feet. All of this being true, then, +the way to cure jealousy is to apply common sense +to the situation. Try to look at it fairly and +squarely. In the first place, your husband or wife +wouldn’t have married you if he or she hadn’t preferred +you to every one else in the world. If you +had charm before marriage you have it still, if you +will take the trouble to use it. In the second place, +you know that you enjoy talking to other people, +and that your contact with them is perfectly harmless. +Why not believe your husband or wife is as +decent as you are? In the third place, why keep +your husband or wife always fed up with the idea +that he or she is a fascinator that no woman or man +can resist? It makes them want to try and see if +they can stand them up. And lastly, if you are married<span class="pagenum" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</span> +to a man or woman whom you believe to have so +little truth and honor, and who cares so little for +you that he or she can’t be trusted out of your sight, +why worry about him or about her? He or she isn’t +worth a single pang of jealousy.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="VII">VII<br> +<span class="fs70">HAVE A GOAL</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">The</span> great trouble with the majority of +women is that they have no plan of life, +no real objective. They are the victims of +fads. They wobble about from interest to interest. +The thing they were crazy about yesterday they +throw into the discard to-day. They waste their +time, and energy, and ability in pursuing will-o’-the-wisps. +Like the hero of the popular song, they are +on their way, but they don’t know where they are +going.</p> + +<p>This is why so many women fail, as is abundantly +proved by the fact that when a woman does make up +her mind about what she wants to do, when she has +one settled ambition instead of a lot of vague desires, +she is almost invariably successful. Let her once +determine to tread a definite path and she not only +arrives, but she arrives with bells on.</p> + +<p>Of course, the reason that women tackle the business +of existence in this hit-or-miss fashion is not +really their fault, poor dears. It is because of the +idiotic way in which we bring up girls on the assumption +that each one has a regiment of fairy godmothers<span class="pagenum" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</span> +and guardian angels looking after her and +taking care of her, so that she doesn’t need to bother +her pretty little head about learning how to take +care of herself. So we don’t teach a girl, as we do +a boy, that our lives are just what we make them, +that we are the architects of our own fate, and that +whether our lives are ugly, and botchy, and of little +worth, or beautiful, and well-rounded, and valuable, +depends upon our having some plan of life in our +heads and working to it.</p> + +<p>We tell the boy that he who is jack-of-all-trades +is good at none, and that if he wishes to be a carpenter, +or a master plumber, or a bank president, +or a surgeon, he must serve his apprenticeship in his +chosen trade or profession and concentrate on the +study of it if he means to succeed. He will never +get anywhere as long as he goes from job to job +and dabbles first at one thing and then at another. +But we don’t teach girls that it is just as important +for them to have some definite plan of life and prepare +themselves to do some particular work as it is +for their brothers. Most girls in these days have +to earn their own living until they are married. But +most of them do just as little work as they can get +by with, and they do this little aimlessly.</p> + +<p>Here and there is a stenographer who works by a +plan. She has set herself to become a highly paid +private secretary. Here and there is a shop-girl +who has her eye on a buyer’s job and trips to<span class="pagenum" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</span> +Europe. Here and there is a milliner or a dressmaker +whose dream is of her own shop. Here and +there is a boarding-house keeper whose ambition it +is to run a hotel. Very seldom do these women fail +to attain their desires. They know what they are +trying to do and they make every lick of work count. +They bend every energy to one end instead of wasting +it on a hundred ineffectual endeavors. They put +their backs, their hearts, their brains into their work +and that combination invariably spells success.</p> + +<p>But the great majority of working women simply +potter purposelessly along. They don’t expect to +do what they are doing very long, and so they don’t +take the trouble to try to learn how to do it well. +They have no interest in their work, no ambition. +They haven’t even bothered to pick out the thing +to do for which they have a natural aptitude. They +have taken up the occupation they follow just because +they happened to do so. They don’t give a +single lobe of their brain to studying it or trying to +fit themselves to be competent. They take life as +casually as that. Yet they may have to do this +same work for thirty or forty years, for it is by no +means certain that every girl will get a husband or +that the husband will be able to support her if she +does get him.</p> + +<p>Women do not even have any plan about following +the great career of wifehood and motherhood to +which they all look forward. Probably every girl<span class="pagenum" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</span> +who goes to the altar desires to be a good wife and +mother. But she does not crystallize these vague +intentions into any concrete plan of action. Not +one woman in a thousand sits down in her bridal +bungalow or apartment and works out a scheme for +handling her husband without friction, for running +her house economically and for making her marriage +a success. On the contrary, she trusts it all to luck. +If she is a good housekeeper, she feeds her husband +well. If she doesn’t like to cook, she gives him dyspepsia +by sitting him down to dinners of underdone +meat and overdone bread and watery vegetables. If +she is amiable and good-natured, she gets along with +him. If she is high tempered, she rows with him. +If she is thrifty, she saves his money and they prosper. +If she is extravagant, she runs him into debt.</p> + +<p>It is because wives have no plan about what they +do as wives that matrimony is such a gamble. And +it is the same way about motherhood. There is +no other thought in the world so terrible as that +mothers bring up their children without any plan +about what they are trying to make them. They +are shaping an immortal soul, and they don’t even +know what they are trying to make of it. That is +the capital crime of aimlessness. Women will never +succeed until they conquer this weakness and learn +how to plan their lives. You cannot do anything +effectively unless you know what you are trying +to do.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="VIII">VIII<br> +<span class="fs70">THE GOAT FAMILY</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Kind</span> reader, meet my friends, the Goats. +They are not rich, for, altho Mr. Goat has +been an able and energetic business man all +his life, and Mrs. Goat has been a thrifty housekeeper, +they have never been able to get much ahead +because they have always had such a horde of parasites +to support. Ever since they had a home they +have run a free hotel. They have literally been +eaten out of house and home by self-invited guests, +by forty-seventh cousins who always cashed in the +blood relationship for board and lodging, and by old +friends who suddenly remembered, when they happened +to be in their town, how they loved the Goats +and hated to pay for their own beds and meals.</p> + +<p>Any one of their many acquaintances who wished +to take a vacation without expense, or have an +operation performed, or go to the opera, or see the +sights of the city, just wished himself or herself on +the Goats, and arrived bag and baggage to camp in +the spare bedroom. And that was all there was to +it; a pleasant and economical arrangement so far<span class="pagenum" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</span> +as the guests were concerned. And if it was inconvenient +to the Goats and they had to sleep around +on cots and do without new clothes to pay for the +food that the deadbeats gobbled up, why, nobody +bothered about that. And the Goats never complained. +They never made a move to chuck these +grafters out, not even rich Cousin Susan, who could +have bought the family up a hundred times over, +when she came and stayed six months, wore Mother +Goat to a frazzle waiting on her and ran them into +debt because she couldn’t eat anything but the most +expensive foods. No, they feel that it would be a +stain on their escutcheon to assert themselves and +look out for themselves a little, and so they lived +up to the Goat coat-of-arms, which is a doormat +couchant, with everybody trampling over it.</p> + +<p>By and by the eldest Miss Goat got married. Her +husband proved to be a bumptious, egotistical, opinionated +fellow, and when he was about the whole +Goat family had to walk on eggs and suppress all +their own opinions and tastes to avoid irritating him. +Indeed, when their daughter married, the Goats +acquired a new son, as the phrase goes, because +every Sunday and on high days and holidays the +young couple arrived to take dinner with papa and +mamma. It was so sweet to be all together at such +times, and it was also so economical and saved them +the work and worry of getting their own dinner. +Then the son Billy got married. Not being born a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</span> +Goat, Billy’s wife had not the suffer-and-be-strong +complex in her. On the contrary, she was a go-getter, +and what she wanted she had to have. Therefore, +Father Goat was often called on for money to +help pay Mrs. Billy’s bills, which had to be met +regardless of what sacrifice it entailed on the Goats +at home.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Billy died, and, of course, Billy took his +motherless children, one of them a tiny baby, back +home for mother and sister to take care of. They +did it for a few years, until Billy married again, +altho it reduced poor, worn-out mother to a physical +wreck. The family didn’t approve of Billy’s choice +of a second wife, but, with the Goat faculty for +swallowing anything, they accepted her and felt that +at least one burden would be removed from them and +that Billy would take his children and set up his own +home.</p> + +<p>It appears, however, that the second wife refuses +to be bothered with stepchildren, and so Billy has +brought his brood back for mother and sister to rear +and support. It takes all the money he can make to +provide for his wife and her relatives whom she has +saddled upon him.</p> + +<p>Mother Goat says that no sacrifice is too great +to make for her darling son, nor does she hesitate to +offer up as a burnt offering her unmarried daughter, +Nanny Goat, who labors in an office all day to make<span class="pagenum" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</span> +the money to help maintain the family, and who +comes home at night and does most of the housework.</p> + +<p>But Nanny is beginning to show un-Goatlike +traits. She doesn’t see why she should work to feed +a lot of bum company who sponge on them instead +of paying their own board somewhere. She doesn’t +see why she should spend her Sundays and holidays, +cooking dinners for sister and brother and the in-laws +when they might just as well eat at home or go +to a restaurant. And she doesn’t see what right +brother has to foist the care of his children and their +support on his old parents and his young sister.</p> + +<p>“I am spending my life slaving for other people +and bearing other people’s burdens,” wails poor +little Nanny Goat. “I earn a good salary, but I +can never have any pretty clothes or indulge myself +in any of the amusements I crave, because all my +money is spent on people who just make a convenience +of us, and who think more of being invited +somewhere else to tea than they do of living on us +without cost for a month. All my youth, when I +ought to have the pleasures of the young, is being +given to trying to raise my brother’s children, and +do for them the things that he himself is too weak +and pusillanimous to do. And I am sick and tired +of it. I am tired of supporting grafters that are +more able to work than I am. I am sick of being +bled white by blood-suckers. I am sore at having to +do other people’s duty for them, and I want to know<span class="pagenum" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</span> +how I can get out of being a perpetual Goat as long +as I live.”</p> + +<p>Alas! poor little Nanny, it is easier for the leopard +to change its spots than it is for one who was +born a Goat to cease being one. Still, the thing can +be done, if you have nerve enough to butt your way +to freedom. Shut the door in the face of the deadbeat +visitors. Make your brother act the part of +a man and assume his own responsibilities. And +you will find that you have gained not only relief +but that you have gone up a hundred per cent in +every one’s esteem.</p> + +<p>For while we all make use of the Goat family, we +hold them in contempt because they let us make +goats of them.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="IX">IX<br> +<span class="fs70">SPOILING A WIFE</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">A man</span> asks: “Can a husband be too good to +his wife?” Yes. A husband can be too +good to his wife. So can a wife be too +good to her husband. Husbands and wives are just +as easily spoiled as babies are, and they react to +spoiling exactly the same way that babies do. They +become peevish, and fretful, and unreasonable. They +howl for the moon. The more they are given in to, +the more they demand and the more unrelenting their +tyranny becomes. They smash things in sheer wantonness, +and they need nothing on earth so much as +to be turned across somebody’s knee and given a +good spanking, and made to behave themselves.</p> + +<p>All of us know plenty of men and women, with +many fine and noble qualities, who would have made +splendid husbands and wives if they had not been +badly spoiled by their overindulgent wives and husbands. +But instead of being disciplined, and forced +to control themselves, and made to act like reasonable +human beings, they had their weaknesses indulged,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</span> +their selfishness encouraged, their exactions +given in to, until they became a curse to themselves +and to those who had the misfortune to be married +to them.</p> + +<p>Of course, when my correspondent speaks of a +man being “good” to his wife, he means it in the +sense of being indulgent to her. No man can be too +good to his wife in the way of being kind, and tender, +and sympathetic, and just, and fair to her. But he +is not good to her—in fact, he does her a cruel +wrong—when he is overly indulgent to her. He +ruins her life no less than his own because the spoiled +wife is never happy. She is always discontented, +restless, dissatisfied, wanting something she hasn’t +got and that is just beyond her reach. She thinks +only of herself, and her pleasures, and the self-centered +can always find flaws in their lot. The only +contented wives are those who are doing their part +toward making their marriage a success. The grafting +wives are always whiny, and complaining, and +disgruntled.</p> + +<p>A man, for instance, is too good to his wife when +he lets her lie down on her end of the matrimonial +partnership. His part of the contract is to work +and make the money to support a home. Her part +is to make a comfortable home. There are many +women who refuse to do this, and who force their +husbands to live around in boarding houses and +hotels. There are many more women who are so<span class="pagenum" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</span> +lazy and shiftless that they keep their houses as +dirty as pigstys, and never give their husbands +a meal that isn’t a first-aid to the undertaker. +There are men who have to get up and get their +own breakfasts before they start to business, while +their good-for-nothing wives slumber and sleep. +There are men who have to come home after a hard +day’s work and help get the dinner, and wash the +dishes, and bathe the baby, and sweep the floors, and +do all the housework that their trifling wives have +left undone.</p> + +<p>Nothing but being a bedridden invalid excuses +a woman for not doing her share of the work and +for not feeding her family on properly cooked food, +and any man is very silly who puts up with slack +housekeeping from an able-bodied wife. She would +get busy quickly enough with the broom and the +cookbook if she knew she would lose her job unless +she made her man comfortable.</p> + +<p>A man is too good to his wife—or too bad to her—when +he lets her ruin him with her extravagance. +There are men of ability, men who are industrious, +men who are filled with ambition and who were on +the high road to success when they married. But +they got spenders and wasters for wives, and thereafter +their lives became just a frantic struggle to +keep even with the bill collector. Strive as they +would, they could never get ahead. They had to let +every opportunity pass them because they never had<span class="pagenum" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</span> +a cent to put into any enterprise. Every dollar had +gone to pay for the wife’s clothes, and entertaining, +and trying to keep up with people better off than +they.</p> + +<p>The man who never says “No” to his wife’s ceaseless +demands on his pocketbook may think that he is +being good to her, but in reality he could do her no +worse turn. For you can no more satisfy a greedy +woman than you can a greedy child. Such women +are the daughters of the Scriptural horse leech, forever +crying: “More, more, more!” And in the end, +when the crash comes, the extravagant wife is +crushed under the ruin she has brought upon her +household.</p> + +<p>A man is too good to his wife when he makes all +of the sacrifices and she monopolizes all of the privileges. +There are households in which the husband +has no rights or consideration whatever. He goes +shabby, while wife is arrayed like Solomon in all his +glory. He walks, while wife rides around in a limousine. +He stays at home, while wife goes forth to +summer and winter resorts. His tastes, his comfort, +his pleasure are never considered. He cultivates +selfishness in his wife by never demanding a square +deal from her and by never making her give as well +as take. And his reward is his wife’s contempt, for +no woman respects a man upon whom she can wipe +her feet.</p> + +<p>Oh, yes, a man can easily be too good to his wife.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</span> +The really good husbands are not those who make +spoiled babies of their wives, but those who encourage +their wives to develop into self-controlled, helpful, +useful women.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="X">X<br> +<span class="fs70">THE ABSENCE CURE FOR FAMILY ILLS</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">One</span> of the most pathetic things on earth is +the unnecessary unhappiness we endure. +The big, heartbreaking tragedies no one +may escape. The loss of those we love. Frustrated +hopes. Disappointments. Despair. These are the +inevitable portion of humanity, and there is dignity +in meeting them with courage.</p> + +<p>But to have your life poisoned by the sting of a +gnat; to be done to death by pin pricks, to be robbed +of your happiness by petty aggravations, that is a +different matter, and one rages alike against the +futility of it, and the ignominy of it. And, curiously +enough, we neither endure with fortitude these +little, petty ills that spoil the peace of our days, +nor do we try to seek a remedy for them.</p> + +<p>Take family troubles, for example, which are responsible +for more real, heartbreaking, never-ending +misery than anything else in the world. A man and +a woman drawn together by some fleeting physical +attraction get married. When that is over, they find<span class="pagenum" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</span> +that they have not one thing on earth in common. +Their tastes differ on everything from politics to pie. +Their every idea and opinion is antagonistic. They +do not think the same thoughts, or speak the same +language. They may be people of the highest integrity, +models of all the virtues. They may try to do +their duty nobly and with self-sacrifice. But their +home is a dark and bloody battleground where they +fight over every topic like dogs over a bone, and they +make life a hell on earth for each other.</p> + +<p>Sometimes parents and children cannot get along +together. Sometimes a nice, domestic old hen hatches +out a swan. Sometimes a swan finds that nature has +bestowed an ugly duckling upon her, and great is +the clacking, and the clucking, and the feather-picking +around the barnyard.</p> + +<p>Often brothers and sisters cannot agree. They +clash on every subject under the sun. They express +their opinions of each other with the brutal candor +of near relationship, and leave each other sullen and +sore with resentment. They never sit down to a meal +without being verbally armed to the teeth, and the +maimed survivors feel as if they had been through the +battle of the Marne. Sometimes there is just one +particular member of a family who is a perpetual +storm center, and who has but to blow in at the door +to shatter the peace and harmony of the household.</p> + +<p>Being obliged to live with disagreeable and antagonistic +people is the greatest affliction that can<span class="pagenum" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</span> +possibly befall us. Nothing compensates for it. +Not tho we dwell in a palace, with every meal a banquet, +and have everything that money can buy us. +Better it is to dwell on a housetop, or in a lodging +house, and eat at a quick lunch place, and have +peace, than abide in splendor with those who irritate +the very soul out of us.</p> + +<p>Nor are we consoled by the fact that the very +people who are so impossible to live with love us +well enough to die for us.</p> + +<p>We know well enough that it is mother’s affection +for us, and her anxiety about us, that makes her nag +us incessantly, and hand out advice to us until we +are ready to scream. In their philosophical moments +men and women realize that even their in-laws +knock them for their own good.</p> + +<p>But it is the result, and not the theory, with which +we are concerned, and as you listen to the wail of +those who cry out against uncongenial marriages, +and the moans of anguish of the in-laws who dwell +under the same roof, and listen to the sounds of +fratricidal strife, when everybody could be so happy +if they didn’t have to live with each other, you +wonder that so few people have the wisdom and the +courage to apply the one sure cure for their misery. +That is to separate. Apart they would be happy. +They would even love each other. They would get +a perspective on each other’s good qualities. But<span class="pagenum" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</span> +living together they merely get on each other’s +nerves, and hate each other.</p> + +<p>The old idea that blood is thicker than water, and +that just because you happen to be born in a certain +relationship to a group of individuals makes you +automatically love them, and desire their society, +hasn’t a word of truth in it. It is not even true in +the relationship between parents and children.</p> + +<p>As long as their children are young and helpless, +most mothers have an animal fondness for them. +But when they are older, it very often happens that +a mother cannot get along in peace with her children. +She does not understand them. She has nothing +in common with them, and she is glad enough +when they are grown and leave home.</p> + +<p>No theory has been more mischievous than the old +convention that people who were of the same family +had to keep on living together, no matter how much +they rubbed each other the wrong way, nor how +unpleasant this enforced companionship was. There +is no sense in doing it. No rhyme nor reason for it. +Because Aunt Jane is Aunt Jane is no reason why +you should take her into your home and be bored the +balance of your life by her reminiscences, nor is +there any reason why you should have your temper +continually rasped by antagonistic sisters and brothers +when there are plenty of agreeable strangers in +the world.</p> + +<p>Try the absence cure on your domestic troubles.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</span> +Get up and leave an unpleasant home. You have +no idea how much better you will love a lot of your +relatives when you put about a thousand miles +between you and them.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XI">XI<br> +<span class="fs70">THE DEADLY RIVAL</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">It</span> would be interesting to know how many +estranged husbands and wives began drifting +apart with the advent of the first baby. Children +are popularly supposed to be the tie that binds +a man and woman indissolubly together in body and +spirit in marriage. Often this is true, and in their +love and hopes and ambitions for their children a +husband and wife literally do become “two souls with +but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one.” +Also very often for the sake of their children men +and women endure a marriage that they have come +to loathe and hate, and are bound together like +prisoners whose balls and chains clank at every +movement they make.</p> + +<p>Unhappily, children’s hands do not always draw +husbands and wives closer together. They just as +often push them apart, and when this happens it is +oftener the woman’s fault than the man’s. Few men +prefer their children above their wives, but for the +great majority of women their husbands exist only +as their children’s father and as purveyors to their +children.</p> + +<p>The first baby definitely and for all time puts the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</span> +husband’s nose out of joint. Up to that time, husband +has been king of the domestic realm. His wife +has put on her prettiest clothes and adorned herself +for him. She has been chum and playmate. She has +exerted herself to amuse and entertain him. She has +looked out for his comfort, has seen that he had the +best of everything, and he has reveled in the bliss +of having the center of the stage and the spotlight +turned always upon him. Then arrives the baby, +and from having been the worshiped head of the +house, husband finds that he is nothing, with no one +so poor as to do him reverence.</p> + +<p>Wife no longer cares what sort of a figure she cuts +in his eyes, or whether he admires her or not. She +looks sloppy around the house because the baby pulls +at her clothes and musses her chiffons. When husband +wants to go out at night she refuses because +she can’t leave the baby, and if he drags her along +anyway, she interrupts the most thrilling part of a +play to ask him if he thinks the nurse has forgotten +to give the baby his bottle.</p> + +<p>There are no more chatty evenings at home, because +she is off worshiping before the baby’s shrine. +She quits reading anything but baby books, and her +conversation gets to be about as stimulating as sterilized +milk. She is too busy with the baby to show +her husband any of the little attentions that men so +love, or to see even that he has the things he likes +to eat.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</span></p> + +<p>There are thousands of homes which are run exclusively +for the children. There is never any food on +the table except just the simple things that children +can eat. There is never any conversation except +about the children. The wife never manifests the +slightest interest in her husband, or shows him any +affection. All of the tenderness, the caresses, the +sympathy and understanding is lavished on the children. +It is the children’s likes and dislikes and +prejudices that are remembered and catered to.</p> + +<p>There are many wives who begrudge every cent +that a husband spends on himself because they want +the money to throw away on the children. They will +nag their husbands into giving up smoking so that +they can buy the baby a real lace cap. There are +wives who literally work their husbands to death that +their daughters may go off to finishing schools, and +their boys have the latest model sports automobile.</p> + +<p>Now the average man loves his children, but he has +not this crazy, obsessing passion for them that their +mother has. When the first baby comes he is proud +of it and fond of it, and he wants it to have every +proper care and attention, but he doesn’t want to +spend hours sitting by its crib, gloating over it and +marveling at how naturally it breathes. He wants +to go about the ordinary affairs of life as he did +before the baby was born, and he wants his wife’s +companionship.</p> + +<p>But she will seldom go with him, and when she<span class="pagenum" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</span> +does, she is no fun because she doesn’t enter into the +spirit of anything. She has left her whole interest +in life behind in the nursery. Nor is she an entertaining +companion at home any more. And it gets +on his nerves being told to “sh-h-h-h-sh” every time +he shuts the door, for fear he will wake the baby.</p> + +<p>He even discovers that his wife is relieved when +he goes out without her, and leaves her undisturbed +to her infant adoration. And so the rift is first made +between them. Each starts on a life in which the +other has no part, and that takes them farther away +from each other as the years go by.</p> + +<p>If the true co-respondent were ever named in +many a divorce case, it would be the first baby. +There are always plenty of women a man can find +who will play with him while his wife is busy in the +nursery; who will listen to him and flatter him, while +his wife is telling the baby he is the most boofulest +thing in the world. While mama is holding the +baby’s hand, some vamp is generally holding papa’s. +It is a great thing to be a good mother, but it is +equally as great a thing to be a good wife. And it +is a bad thing to do either one at the expense of the +other. Often children are better off for a little +wholesome neglect, but a husband never is.</p> + +<p>Remember that, ladies, and don’t make your baby +your husband’s deadly rival.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XII">XII<br> +<span class="fs70">LEARN A TRADE, GIRLS</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">These</span> few lines are addressed to the thousands +of girls who have finished school and +who are now standing, as the poet puts it, +“where the brook and river meet” wondering “where +do we go from here?”</p> + +<p>I want to urge you, girls, with all the earnestness +of which I am capable, to psychoanalyze yourselves +and try to find out what talents and aptitudes nature +bestowed upon you, and then to go to some +school where you can develop your gift and fit yourself +to be self-supporting.</p> + +<p>I give this advice to the rich girl no less than to +the poor girl, for in these days of shifting fortunes +we have the new poor as well as the new rich, and +no woman knows how soon she may be called upon +to earn her own bread and butter or starve. If she +has been taught how to do this, losing her money is +merely an inconvenience to her; but if she does not +know how to earn a dollar, it is a tragedy.</p> + +<p>No women in the world are so pitiful as those +who have, as the saying goes, “seen better days”<span class="pagenum" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</span> +and, with their money gone, are suddenly flung out +into the world to make their own living, with no +trade, no profession, no skill in any line, no knowledge +of how to make a penny. They can only eke +out an existence by doing the most ill-paid work, or +else they become parasites, or are forced by hunger, +and shabbiness, and need into the sad sisterhood of +the streets.</p> + +<p>Don’t risk such a fate befalling you. Prepare +yourself in time against it. Have that within yourself +which will not be affected by the fall in stocks +or the depreciation of real estate. Many things +may rob you of your fortune, but you cannot lose +your trained brain and skilful hand. They will be +a resource that you can always fall back upon in +any emergency.</p> + +<p>Of course I know, when I urge you girls to fit +yourselves to learn some gainful occupation by which +you can support yourselves, that you smile and say +to yourselves that you do not expect to earn your +own living long. You are going to marry and follow +woman’s oldest profession, that of wife and +mother. That is as may be. In the past the great +majority of women have been able to count, with a +fair degree of safety, on being able to marry, but it +is by no means a foregone conclusion that the girl of +to-day will get a husband.</p> + +<p>There has been a most decided decline and falloff +in matrimony and home life, and it is foolish for<span class="pagenum" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</span> +girls to think that they have the same chance of +marrying that their mothers and grandmothers had. +Now, for the girl who is sitting around and waiting +for some man to come along and marry her, it is a +catastrophe to be passed by. She becomes the sour +and disgruntled old maid, eating the bitter bread of +dependence, the fringe on some family that doesn’t +want her. Or else she has to take any sort of a poor +stick of a man as a prop to lean upon.</p> + +<p>Far different is it with the girl who has fitted +herself for some definite work and is competently +doing it. She has a profession in which she is vitally +interested. She has an occupation which fills her +time. She makes enough money to indulge herself +in the luxuries that women love, and so marriage +becomes to her merely an incident of life, not the +whole thing. If the right man comes along, well +and good. If not, also well and good. She has her +pleasant, independent, interesting life as a girl bachelor. +The world to her is full of such a number of +things besides wedding rings.</p> + +<p>Furthermore, girls, even if you do marry, you may +still need to keep on being a bread-winner instead of +becoming a breadmaker. The high cost of living has +to be reckoned with, and not every man under present +economic conditions is able to support a family +alone and unaided. In the past the good wife helped +her husband by doing the housework, and turning, +and mending, and pinching the pennies. In the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</span> +future the good wife will doubtless help her husband +by keeping on with her well-paid job and assisting in +making the money to give her family the living conditions, +and her children the education that the man +alone could not afford to give them. So, except +among the rich, marriage is going to mean a retirement +from business no more for women than it is +for men.</p> + +<p>Another reason why I urge you, girls, to learn +some gainful occupation and perfect yourself in it +is because it will do more than any other one thing +to make you happy. It will keep you from being +bored, and boredom is at the root of all fretful discontent. +People who are busy, who have a definite +object in view and are striving to attain it, find the +day all too short, are always content and cheerful. +And talk about thrills! You never really know one +until you hold your first pay envelope in your hand +and it surges over you that the money in it represents +your own work that was good enough for somebody +to pay for.</p> + +<p>Being able to make your own living sets you free. +Economic independence is the only independence in +the world. As long as you must look to another for +your food and clothes you are a slave to that person. +You must obey him. You must defer to him. +You must bend your will to his.</p> + +<p>But when you can stand on your own feet you can +snap your fingers in the face of the world and tell<span class="pagenum" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</span> +it where it gets off. You do not have to endure +tyrannical parents. You do not have to put up with +a cruel husband. You can support yourself, and +you are free.</p> + +<p>So I urge you, girls, never to rest until you have +fitted yourselves to earn your own bread, and butter, +and cake. And remember, the better your work the +more you earn. It is efficiency that pulls down the +big pay envelope.</p> + +<p>It doesn’t make a bit of difference what you do, +my dear. It is the way you do it that counts. You +can make a success or a failure of any occupation +under the sun. The fat pay envelope is the reward +of superexcellent work. It isn’t the perquisite of +any particular trade or profession.</p> + +<p>We do best those things that we enjoy doing, and +so I urge you to sit down quietly and study yourself +and try to find out what nature intended you to be.</p> + +<p>Probably you have no very decided talent, no +cosmic urge that makes you feel that you must +paint, or sing, or dance, or cook, or keep books, or +else life will be dust and ashes in your mouth.</p> + +<p>But you are sure to find that there is something +that you like to do better than other things. It +may be trimming hats. It may be messing around +the kitchen. It may be that you are quick at figures +and can always remember dates. It may be that you +write a good hand, or always got a hundred in +spelling at school.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</span></p> + +<p>There is always some one thing for which you have +a turn, as the phrase goes, and that points the road +for you to follow.</p> + +<p>If you have no mechanical skill, don’t do anything +that requires deftness of the hands. If you can’t +spell, don’t waste any time trying to be a stenographer. +If you cannot add up a column of figures +three times without getting four different results, +pass up bookkeeping. You will never make a success +of anything for which you have no aptitude. +You will always hate it and be bored by it.</p> + +<p>The successful people are those who love their +work so well that it is a sheer joy to do it; who never +count the labor that they put into it, and who are +so interested in it that it is perpetually in their +thoughts.</p> + +<p>Therefore choose the thing that you like to do +and get fun out of doing, and don’t just blunder into +taking the first job that presents itself or make the +mistake of taking up some profession to which you +are not called because some other girls are doing so +or because it seems to you romantic or elegant.</p> + +<p>Of course, in these days of the emancipation of +women, every road is as free for a girl to follow as +it is to a boy, but you will find that those women +make the greatest successes who stick to purely +feminine lines. There is just as much need for +woman’s work in the world as there is for man’s, and +when it is equally well done it is equally well paid.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</span> +In some occupations it is a little better paid because +there are fewer women experts than there are men.</p> + +<p>There are very few women who have risen from +the ranks to become presidents of banks, or trust +magnates, or big manufacturers; but every community +has in it women who have made tidy fortunes as +dressmakers, or milliners, or boarding-house keepers.</p> + +<p>Teaching, nursing, cooking, sewing; home-making +in all its ramifications and branches; buying and +selling pretty things; the building and furnishing of +houses; the healing of the sick, all of these are +strictly within the feminine province, and you will +not make a mistake if you choose whichever one of +these occupations appeals to your fancy. Women +have been unconsciously trained along these lines for +centuries and have for them an inherited aptitude. +It takes the average man years of profound study +to acquire the sense of color that a girl baby is +born with. And any dub of a woman can give an +architect points on lights, and kitchen sinks, and the +heights of shelves and about closets. So stick to +your last and capitalize your feminine intuitions instead +of trying to invade masculine fields. Even +women writers and women artists are more successful +when their work is most womanly. And great +actresses will be remembered for the feminine rôles +they portrayed, not for the masculine parts they +essayed and in which they were grotesque failures.</p> + +<p>Having selected your occupation, perfect yourself<span class="pagenum" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</span> +in it. Master its technique. Don’t be satisfied to +be an also-ran. Make of yourself a blue-ribbon +winner. You will have to work longer hours and +harder doing ill-paid work than you will doing +highly paid work. The difference between a $15 +cook and a $10,000 chef is just a matter of skill. +One woman gets $5 for a hat, another $50. It is +just the touch to a bow or ribbon or a twist to a +bit of velvet that does it. Whether you get a thin +pay envelope or a thick one as a stenographer, or +bookkeeper, or clerk, depends upon how expert you +are. So make up your mind that you are not going +to work for a pittance, and go after the big salary +by making yourself worth it. Employers are just +pining to pay the price of good work.</p> + +<p>Then tackle your job as if you meant to make a +life-work of it. Don’t look upon it as a bridge of +sighs that you have to travel over with reluctant +feet from the schoolroom to the altar. Think of it +as something you are going to do as long as you +live; something that is going to be your friend, and +comforter, and stay, and to which you will give the +best that is in you. That won’t keep you from marrying +if the right man comes along, and it will be a +powerful stay if no man comes. Not many girls do +this. They regard their work as only a makeshift +until they can marry, and so they never take the +trouble to learn how to do it properly. That is<span class="pagenum" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</span> +why they fail, and why they are ill-paid. Don’t be +one of them. Choose a congenial occupation and +put your heart and your back into it, and your +success will be assured.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XIII">XIII<br> +<span class="fs70">TRIAL DIVORCE</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">I believe</span> the one thing that would do more +than anything else to stop the utter wrecking +of homes and the half-orphaning of children, +in the case of unhappy marriages, would be the +institution of trial divorce and the refusal of the +courts to make any divorce decree absolute under +two years. For so many husbands and wives think +they have ceased to love each other, when they are +only too much fed up with each other’s society. So +many persons think they long for freedom, when +they only need a rest. So many persons think +divorce a panacea for every ill, who find out, when +they try it, that the remedy is worse than the disease.</p> + +<p>The great majority of men and women are romantically +in love when they get married, and they +expect to live ever afterward in a state of storybook +bliss. Then comes the inevitable disillusionment, +when they find out that they have married +ordinary human beings instead of angels and motion-picture +heroes. Comes the clash of personalities. +The fight of the selfish to get the best for one’s<span class="pagenum" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</span> +self. The rebellion at the sacrifices that matrimony +demands.</p> + +<p>The woman begins to nag. The man gets grouchy +and surly. Each magnifies every fault of the +other. Resentment and disappointment blot out +every memory of love and tenderness, of goodness +and nobility. They come to the point where they +feel that they cannot stand each other a minute +longer and rush off to the divorce courts.</p> + +<p>But the ink is hardly dry on their decrees before +they begin to view each other in a kindlier light. +The man, living in his club or at a boarding house, +wandering from restaurant to restaurant, hating the +cooking and getting his digestion upset, begins to +think of his ex-wife’s good points. How true and +loyal and devoted she was! What a good cook and +housekeeper! And he wonders that he didn’t have +enough sense of humor to laugh at her nagging +instead of letting it get on his nerves.</p> + +<p>The woman, trying to make a home for herself +with less money than she is accustomed to, bewildered +and terrified at having to face life for herself, +with no man to depend on, begins to recall her +husband’s virtues instead of his faults, and to reflect +that it is better to have even a husband who is short +on compliments, and shy on attentions, and long on +knocks, than to have no husband at all.</p> + +<p>And in their secret souls both are conscience-stricken +when they look at their children and see<span class="pagenum" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</span> +them lacking a mother’s or a father’s care and a +real home. So there are thousands of couples who +are merely disgruntled with each other who would +come together again if a trial divorce gave them +time in which the galled spots that the matrimonial +yoke has made on their necks could heal and they +could find out that they hadn’t got such bad teammates, +after all.</p> + +<p>The trial divorce would do much to solve even +those cases in which husbands and wives think that +they have fallen out of love with their lawful mates +and have found their affinities in others. Nine times +out of ten the reason that men and women lose their +affection for their husbands and wives is just because +they are bored with them. They have had an overdose +of them. They have seen them too long and +at too close range.</p> + +<p>Every woman knows that when she starts off on +her summer vacation she sees her husband as just a +hump-shouldered, fat, bald-headed man, who is +slouchy about dressing; but after she has been away +a week she begins to remember what a classical nose +he has. In a fortnight she thinks how handsome and +distinguished-looking he is, and by the end of the +month he is a perfect Valentino to her. The man +has just the same reactions about his wife. She +goes away fat and frumpy and middle-aged, and she +returns merely plump and more attractive than any +flapper to him.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</span></p> + +<p>Many men and women who think they are permanently +tired of their husbands and wives are only +temporarily weary of looking at the same face and +listening to the same line of conversation across the +breakfast table, and if a trial divorce gave them a +second choice they would find that they preferred +the old love to the new.</p> + +<p>For the lure of the “other woman” and the “other +man” is chiefly that they are unattainable and unknown, +and these charms vanish before the trial +divorce that makes them possible and familiar. It +gives the foolish, infatuated husband and wife a +chance really to compare the long-haired poet or the +short-haired flapper with the partners they had and +are about to lose.</p> + +<p>Give a man time to forget his wife’s nagging, and +his peaches-and-cream complexioned secretary will +not look as good a risk, after all, to him as his +faithful old wife. Give a woman time to forget the +mean things her husband said to her when they quarreled, +and she will think a long time before she exchanges +her good provider for some impecunious +glib love-maker.</p> + +<p>The truth is, that few men and women find in +divorce the solution of their woes that they expected. +They picture it as a state of bliss in which they +will be free of all woes and cares, an earthly +paradise in which there will be no fretting wives or +fault-finding husbands, and in which they will be<span class="pagenum" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</span> +able to do exactly as they please. But they find its +golden apples Dead Sea fruit that turns to ashes on +their lips. The man who has resented his wife’s +tyranny and writhed under her curtain lectures, +strangely finds out that he wants to go home, when +he has no home to which to go, and nobody to care +whether he ever comes back or not.</p> + +<p>The woman who has thought she would be happy +if she no longer had to live with a neglectful husband, +finds that the world also neglects her and that +her freedom has merely brought her the freedom of +earning her own living. And when this hard and +bitter knowledge soaks into the consciousness of men +and women many of them would be glad enough to +go back again to their old husbands and wives if +they could.</p> + +<p>So, when we unscramble our scrambled marriage +laws, let’s put the trial divorce into them.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XIV">XIV<br> +<span class="fs70">MARRY THE MAN YOU LOVE</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">A young</span> woman wants to know whether it +is better to marry the man she loves, or +the man who loves her. Both, I should say. +Marriage should be a mutual benefit association in +which both parties give and receive; in which they +love and are loved in equal measure. Cupid, however, +is no dispenser of justice. He rarely holds the +scales even. Very few husbands and wives feel the +same amount of affection for each other. In almost +every married couple one kisses and the other submits +to being kissed, as the French proverb cynically +puts it.</p> + +<p>This being the case, it is better for the woman +to be the kisser than the kissee, because, while it is +misfortune to a woman never to be loved, it is a +tragedy to her never to love.</p> + +<p>Of course, every woman desires to be worshiped +by some man, and she dreams of having a husband +who will be a perpetual lover and spend his life laying +tributes at her feet. She feels that she would be +perfectly happy doing the goddess-on-a-pedestal +act, and occasionally deigning to bestow a kind<span class="pagenum" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</span> +word on her adorer, as one throws a bone to a dog. +Obsessed by this romantic vision, which flatters her +vanity, many a woman is beguiled into marrying a +man for whom she has only a mild liking because he +is so crazy about her. She thinks that he can supply +enough love for two, and that she will be happy +and satisfied with just being loved.</p> + +<p>It does not take her long to find out that she has +made a sad mistake, and that there is nothing with +which we can get so easily satiated as we can with +the affection we do not return. We have no appetite +for it and it is tasteless in our mouths. Nor are +there any greater bores than those who love us, who +cling to us, who want to be always with us, but whom +we do not love and of whom we get tired to death.</p> + +<p>All of us know doormat husbands whose wives +ruthlessly trample them under foot. We all know +peevish, disgruntled, discontented wives, whose husbands +slave to give them luxuries for which they +never get so much as—“Thank you.” We have all +held up our hands in horror when some wife left a +good, devoted husband and eloped with another man +or packed her trunk and hiked out for Hollywood, +and we wondered what was the matter with these +women that they were not satisfied with their husband’s +love.</p> + +<p>The trouble with them was that they had married +men who loved them instead of men they loved. If +they had been doing the love-making and trying to<span class="pagenum" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</span> +hold the affections of husbands whom they suspected +every flapper of trying to steal from them, they +would have been too busy, too thrilled and interested +to get into mischief.</p> + +<p>There are many reasons why a woman who is +contemplating matrimony should lay greater stress +upon the state of her own affections than she does +upon the man’s. The principal one, of course, is +because a woman is ten times as much married to +her husband as he is to her, and therefore it is ten +times more important that she should be pleased +with her bargain than it is that he should be satisfied +with his.</p> + +<p>A married man has a million interests, and distractions, +and amusements, and compensations outside +of his home, and if his wife does not turn out +to be all that his fondest fancy painted her, he has +his business to fall back upon, his ambition and his +career to console him. He is never wholly dependent +on his wife for his happiness. But a woman stakes +her all on her matrimonial gamble, and if she does +not love her husband, if she does not find happiness +in her home, she has nothing.</p> + +<p>A woman’s emotions make her life. What she +feels is of more interest to her than what she does. +She cannot substitute liking for loving any more +than she can water for wine. And no matter how +much she admires the man to whom she is married, +no matter how grateful she is to him for his kindness<span class="pagenum" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</span> +to her, unless he can raise a thrill in her breast +everything is cinders, ashes and dust to her.</p> + +<p>She feels that she has missed the best thing in life, +the thing she most wanted; and she is restless and +dissatisfied, and is forever on a still hunt to find her +real soul-mate.</p> + +<p>To the average woman, marriage is a state of perpetual +sacrifice. She must go through the agony of +bearing children, and the long, weary years of ceaseless +care and anxiety in rearing them. She must +work harder than any hireling at the dull and monotonous +task of cooking and cleaning and scrubbing +and sewing and mending that it takes to make +a comfortable home. And the only thing on earth +that can make all of this worth while is love for her +husband. That sets a star in her sky. That gilds +the humblest task. The woman who stands over a +stove cooking a dinner for the husband to whom she +is utterly indifferent is a slave driven to her appointed +task by her sense of duty. The woman who +stands over a stove cooking dinner for a husband +she adores is a priestess making a burnt offering of +herself on the altar of her god.</p> + +<p>The woman who marries the man she loves is never +bored, and boredom is the particular curse of the +feminine sex. She throws herself heart and soul into +her husband’s interests, and is more eager for his +success than he is himself. She is never dull, because +the smallest thing that concerns him is of more import<span class="pagenum" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</span> +to her than the events that shake the great +outer world. She can find food for thought and +scope for her activities in the fact that her husband +likes onions with his beefsteak or prefers mushrooms. +Her days are filled with pleasurable excitement in +preparing for his homecoming of an evening, and +when she hears his key in the latch her heart strikes +up “Hail to the King.”</p> + +<p>The woman who marries the man she loves is never +dissatisfied, never disgruntled. He may be a poor +thing, but he is her own, the one she cut out of the +bunch and which she marked with her own brand. +Having got the one thing she wanted most, she can +well afford to pity her poor sisters who have only +limousines and pearls and the merely tolerated husbands +who are the purveyors thereof. A woman +should always marry a man with whom she is very +much in love, because it insures her a stimulating +and interesting life. The reason that most women +run down and get slack and slouchy is because they +are bored to tears with domesticity. They do not +care for their husbands and so they take no trouble +to please them.</p> + +<p>But the woman who is in love with her husband, +who married the man she wanted, is on her tiptoes +all of the time. She means to keep him and she takes +no chances on disillusioning him with curl papers, +and cold cream, and bad cooking, and tantrums. +She is eternally in pursuit; and while there may be<span class="pagenum" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</span> +times when she gets tired and feels as if she would +like to sit down and take things easy, still there is +no denying that the love chase puts pep in any +lady’s day.</p> + +<p>A woman should never marry any man except the +one with whom she is very much in love, because +every woman craves romance, and if she doesn’t get +it at home she is very apt to seek it abroad, or else +she goes through life hungry, unsatisfied. The +wives who get into scandals; who think they find +soul-mates in their preachers, or their doctors, or +long-haired poets; the wives who run off after +strange cults and who burden down the mails with +letters to movie actors are all women who married +men they didn’t love.</p> + +<p>The women who are crazily in love with their husbands +make their own angel’s food at home and don’t +have to go around trying to pick up stray crumbs +on the street. Of course, the woman who loves her +husband better than he does her has her moments of +acute jealousy, but even these are full of ginger and +are better than the dull stagnation of having a man +that you don’t take the trouble to lock up at night +because you know you can’t lose him.</p> + +<p>Truly, it is more blessed to give than to receive, +and it is better for a woman to love than to be loved.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XV">XV<br> +<span class="fs70">ARE YOU GOOD COMPANY FOR YOURSELF?</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Do</span> you ever think what poor company most +of us are for ourselves? It is strange but +true that the one individual on God’s earth +who bores the average man and woman more than +any one else is just himself and herself. There is +no society they so dread as their own, and no expedient +so desperate that they will not resort to it +rather than be left alone with themselves. They will +fasten themselves like leeches on kinspeople and +friends who try to shake them loose. They will stay +on in homes where they know they are not welcome. +They will put up with any discomfort in order to +herd together. They will hold up the telephone +poles at the corners of streets, and walk the aisles +of the department stores until they are ready to +drop with fatigue.</p> + +<p>They will belong to clubs where they foregather +with the dull and prosy and fat-witted, and where +they spend hours listening to egotists monologue +about how great and wonderful they are. Evening +after evening they go to vaudeville performances +whose every turn is so stupid it is enough to make<span class="pagenum" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</span> +even a hero scream with pain, and to see moving +pictures whose scenarios are an insult to the intelligence +of an idiot.</p> + +<p>Anything—anywhere, to get away from themselves, +to escape having to spend an hour in their +own company. So universal is the belief that it is +the limit of social and mental poverty to be reduced +to your own society for company, that we speak of +those who live alone as being lonesome, and pity +them accordingly.</p> + +<p>It does not even occur to us that they may have +that within themselves which could make them gay +and witty companions to themselves, of whom they +would never tire.</p> + +<p>It is easy, of course, to see why many people are +bored to tears with their own company. Men and +women who never read anything can’t have very +much that is new and interesting to say to themselves. +After they have discussed the state of the +green grocery trade with themselves, on which they +are rather fed up anyway after having wrestled with +it all day, or mulled over the last gossip about the +neighbors next door, and wondered for the millionth +time how the Joneses can afford a new car, and +where the Smith girl has been spending the evening +when she came home at 3 A. M., they find that they +have exhausted their conversational repertoire.</p> + +<p>But if they are reading people they can never +have a dull instant when they are alone, for every<span class="pagenum" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</span> +book, every magazine, every newspaper is a magic +carpet that takes them in an instant into the uttermost +parts of the world. There isn’t a strange sight +they may not see, or a secret whispered behind a +closed door they may not hear; nor a romance unfolded +whose thrill does not touch their hearts and +stir their pulse. Education and cultivation would +be worth while if they did nothing else except take +the curse off loneliness.</p> + +<p>You can see how people who are envious and +jealous and quarrelsome and mean-spirited dread to +be left alone with themselves. They have devils +from hell for company, those men and women whose +souls are filled with bitterness and hate, and who are +forever thrashing over old grievances, recalling old +wrongs, bringing to life again old enmities.</p> + +<p>We all avoid the pessimistic and the cynical—those +who can see nothing cheerful or good in the +world, and with whom even a chance meeting seems +to take the warmth out of the sunshine, and God out +of His heaven, and make all life dark and foul. How +terrible, then, must it be to live with yourself when +you have nothing to say to yourself that does not +leave a dark-brown taste in your mouth? It is not +strange that those who have lived hard and selfish +and grasping lives are poor company for themselves.</p> + +<p>You cannot imagine a widow spending a cheery +evening recalling how she nagged her poor, dead<span class="pagenum" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</span> +husband, how cross and peevish and complaining she +was, or how little she had done to repay him for all +that he had done for her. Neither can you imagine +a woman enjoying telling herself that if she had been +less extravagant, and content with simple things, if +she hadn’t demanded fine clothes and jewels and +trips to Europe, that her husband would not have +had to kill himself working, and that she might now +have some one to talk to, living and breathing, instead +of a demon of remorse.</p> + +<p>It is not strange that a man wants other company +than the recollection of how his coldness and +neglect turned the bright, joyous, loving, tender +girl he married into a quiet, sad woman who cringed +like a whipped dog before his cruel fault-finding. +Nor is it strange that the man who has driven hard +bargains and overreached in trade, who has ground +down the faces of those who worked for him, who has +taken advantage of the ignorant and the trustful, +and built his fortune on the ruins of widows and +children, does not find his own society exhilarating.</p> + +<p>When we are old we have nothing but our memories +left us. They are enough company if they are +filled with the smiling faces of those we loved, who +recall to us kindly acts we have done, helping hands +we have held out, and if they murmur to us of kindly, +gracious deeds. But they are terrible companions +if they are filled with memories of cruelty and wrong. +Considering that, do what we may, we can never<span class="pagenum" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</span> +escape from ourselves, that we are bound to endure +our own society, is it not a pity that we do not +emulate the poet who said, “My mind to me a kingdom +is,” and make ourselves better company for +ourselves!</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XVI">XVI<br> +<span class="fs70">KEEPING YOUNG</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">None</span> of us wants to die. No matter how +strong our religious faith, nor how lustily +we sing “Heaven is my home,” none of us +is in a hurry to go there. We prefer to stay in a +world in which we are acquainted and acclimated. +Likewise, we all dread old age. It fills us with horror +to think of becoming bent and tottering old +men and women, our vigor of mind and body gone, +sans hair, sans teeth, sans everything. So from +time immemorial humanity has been on the still hunt +for some magic that will stay the devastating hand +of time and enable it to hold on to the youth it +prizes so dearly. The ancients sailed the world over +seeking fabled islands and miraculous fountains of +perpetual youth. We moderns pin our faith to the +surgeon’s knife and the druggist’s bottles, to monkey +glands, and face liftings, and paints, and powders, +and hair dyes.</p> + +<p>All in vain. The black oxen of the years march +over us, treading out our youth and beauty, our +strength and high spirits, and nothing that we can +do will stop them. So it seems a pity that we should<span class="pagenum" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</span> +waste so much thought, so much struggle, and effort, +and energy, and money in essaying an impossible +task. For do what we may, we cannot keep young, +and when we try to camouflage age as juvenility the +only people in the world that we fool are ourselves.</p> + +<p>We can dye our hair the gold, or the black, or the +jet of girlhood, but we cannot put under it the fresh +face of sixteen. We can have our skin gored and +tucked until all of our wrinkles are taken out, but +there still remain the tired, old eyes that have seen +fifty or sixty years. We can starve ourselves until +we get the figures of flappers, but we are not lithe +and graceful. We are living skeletons. We can roll +our stockings and borrow our granddaughter’s +clothes, but it doesn’t make us look like debutantes. +It makes us look like those afflicted with senile dementia. +The truth is, the more we fight age the +harder it fights back and the sooner it conquers us. +None grow old so quickly as those who work themselves +into premature age trying to keep young.</p> + +<p>Once I was standing behind a jaunty little figure +perched on the runningboard of a car. She wore the +gayest and sportiest of sport suits. She had the +thin figure of a girl of fifteen. Her bobbed henna-colored +hair curled under the brim of a rakish little +hat. Presently she turned around and disclosed a +face that was like a mask, it was so plastered over +with cosmetics. “Heavens! Did you ever see such +an old hag?” exclaimed a man near me.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</span></p> + +<p>Now, this woman was not more than fifty years +old. She was in the prime of life, at an age when +many women are handsomer than they ever were +in their lives. No one would have thought of her +as being old at all, if she had been willing to appear +her own honest age; if she had had the pleasing +plumpness that belonged to her time of life; if +her soft, gray hair had waved about her face, and +if she had been appropriately dressed. It was her +effort to appear kiddish that called attention to +what an old goat she was.</p> + +<p>If bobbing and dyeing their hair, and dieting +themselves to emaciation, and wearing knee-length +skirts made elderly women look young and girlish, +they would not only be justified in doing so, it would +be a virtue to do it, for thereby they would make +themselves easy on the eyes. But just the reverse +is true. Their affectation of youth only calls attention +to what a long distance they have traveled from +youth. Old mutton never seems so old, and tough, +and stringy as when it is dressed as spring lamb.</p> + +<p>And the folly of trying to act young after you +are old is just as great as that of trying to look +sixteen when you are sixty. Women have been told +so often they must keep their spirits young, they +must never think old thoughts, they must never +speak of age, or admit to themselves they are getting +older, that they have come to believe that,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</span> +simply by forgetting their birthdays, they can maintain +perpetual girlhood.</p> + +<p>We all know women who begin every reminiscence +by saying that they were very young at the time +it happened, and who give us to understand their +husbands were cradle snatchers, who married them +when they were mere infants. We know old women +who are always teasing themselves about men, and +talking about their best beaus, and pretending to +have flirtations with boys young enough to be their +grandsons, and repeating compliments about their +eyes or their fascinations they allege men paid them, +but that even an idiot would know that they made +up themselves. How ridiculous the poor souls make +themselves! How infinitely older they appear than +the women who do not try to pose as vamps after +they have ceased to look the part, and who regard +men just as they do women, as interesting and agreeable +human beings.</p> + +<p>Perhaps, after all, we make too big a bugaboo +of growing old. The twilight has its charms no less +than the dawn or high noon, and so the last lap of +the journey of life has its compensations and its +joys if we are willing to accept them.</p> + +<p>Anyway, the only way we can escape old age is +by dying young. But if we welcome it as a friend, it +deals kindlier with us than if we fight it as an enemy.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XVII">XVII<br> +<span class="fs70">GOSSIP, THE POLICEMAN</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">A young</span> woman writes me that she considers +that she has a right to live her own +life in her own way and do exactly as she +pleases. So she has broken most of the Ten Commandments +and snapped her fingers in the face of +Mrs. Grundy. And now that she finds that her +reputation is being torn to tatters, she thinks that +she is being most unfairly treated.</p> + +<p>“Oh, how I hate the whole tribe of kitty-cats!” +she wails. “Oh, how hard, and cruel, and unjust +people are!” Then she asks, “Don’t you think that +gossip is the unpardonable sin?”</p> + +<p>Not at all. Gossip is one of the most powerful +influences in the world for good. It is the invisible, +omnipresent policeman that enforces law and order. +It is the scourge that keeps the trembling wretch in +order and makes the weak-kneed and the wobbly +walk the straight and narrow path.</p> + +<p>We can stifle the voice of conscience, but we can’t +silence the voice of our neighbors. We can dope +ourselves into believing that we have a right to make +our own code of conduct, but we can’t force the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</span> +community in which we live to take our point of +view on the matter, or to make any exceptions in +our behalf to the standards that society has set up +for good behavior. And it is this fear of what +“they’ll say” that makes us curb our appetites and +passions and keep up at least an outward show of +decency. For no matter how vain and egotistic we +are; no matter how self-complacent and self-satisfied +we are; no matter how independent we think we +are, we are all cowards who grovel in the dust before +public opinion. It is the lifted eyebrow. It is the +cold, measured, appraising look that weighs us in +the balance and finds us wanting. It is the turn of +a shoulder away from us and the little hush that +falls on a group as we approach that tells us that +we have been the subject of unfavorable discussion, +which we dread more than we do the wrath of God.</p> + +<p>It is the knowledge that she will be gossiped about +if she indulges in any flirtations which keeps many +a bored young married woman with romantic yearnings +from indulging in little affairs with good-looking +bachelors. She knows there might really be no +harm in her having lunch with Mr. A. or going to +the theater with Captain C., but that she could +never explain it to the woman who lives across the +street.</p> + +<p>And the next time the Current Events Club meets +she knows that she will be the current event of burning +interest discussed. Therefore she turns down<span class="pagenum" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</span> +the alluring invitations and stays at home, and +minds her p’s and her q’s and her babies.</p> + +<p>And it is the fear of gossip that makes many an +indiscreet girl watch her step and saves her from +the stumble that would land her in the pit. She is +easy-going and good-natured, and warm-hearted and +affectionate, and she sees no harm in letting boys +that she likes kiss her and fondle her, but it makes +the flesh creep on her bones to think of the Amalgamated +Scandal Mongers’ Union getting out their +hammers and going for her if she does. She knows +well enough that the neighbors on either side keep +tab on what hour her beaux go home and what goes +on as they sit on the front porch or stoop of +an evening, and she conducts herself accordingly. +There is no chaperon so efficient as Mrs. Grundy.</p> + +<p>If we could only do as we pleased and get away +with it without any censorious comments from our +fellow creatures, there would be many more philandering +husbands and wives than there are, many +more girls wandering down the primrose path, many +more neglected children and ill-kept houses, many +more wife-beating husbands and virago wives. It is +the knowledge that, if they give way to their natural +impulses, they will be talked about, which gives many +would-be sinners the strength to resist the temptation +to be as bad as they would like to be.</p> + +<p>The people who think it is so wicked to be talked +about are only those who have something to hide,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</span> +something that reflects on their character. It is our +bad deeds we don’t want discussed. We are tickled +to death to have our good ones broadcasted to the +ends of the earth.</p> + +<p>No man objects to having it told about that he is +a model husband, a good provider and a tender +father. The thing he wants hushed up is that he +half starves his family in order to spend the money +on a flapper. No woman wants to put the soft +pedal on the conversation when her friends are telling +what a wonderful wife and mother she is; but +she doesn’t know how women, who call themselves her +friends, can be catty enough to whisper behind their +hands that she went out joy-riding with young +Snookums and didn’t get home until 4 in the morning, +while the baby was nearly dying with the croup.</p> + +<p>Those who are down on gossip and feel that the +world should cover up their shortcomings with a +blanket of silence are unreasonable. Why should +other people be more careful of your reputation +than you are yourself? If you do not care enough +for your good name to protect it, why demand that +service of the general public? Foolish and vain expectation! +For the gossipers keep on their good +work, and the only way you can escape being talked +about is to be so exemplary that you are a dull +subject for conversation.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XVIII">XVIII<br> +<span class="fs70">THE LUCKY WORKING WOMAN</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Why</span> do we hold to the theory that work is +a blessing to men, but a curse to women? +We know beyond all questioning that the +necessity of earning his bread by the sweat of his +brow was the consolation prize that Adam was +handed along with his eviction papers when he was +turned out of Eden. We know that the only happy +man is the busy man. We know that only in constructive +labor does a man find an interest that +never palls and a game in which there is a perpetual +thrill. We know that work is the greatest anodyne +for sorrow and the best protection against temptation. +We know that, as Stevenson says, “if a man +loves the labor of any trade apart from any question +of success or fame, the gods have called him, +and he is of all men most enviable.”</p> + +<p>So manifold are the benefits men derive from work, +so salutary are its effects upon them, that we have +a contempt for the idle, purposeless man and feel +that, no matter how much money he has, he has no +right to spend his life in loafing. We are eager to +get our boys to work, so that their restless young<span class="pagenum" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</span> +energy may find a legitimate outlet, instead of being +employed in devising new forms of dissipation. The +young man must have something to do, and if he +isn’t bending his back in honest farming he will be +breaking his neck in sowing a wild-oats crop.</p> + +<p>Our attitude, however, toward women and work is +diametrically opposite. We do not regard work as +a good thing for women. On the contrary, we consider +it a misfortune for a woman to have to work. +We have even coined a phrase for it and speak of +the woman who must earn her own living as a “poor +working woman.” Worse still, the woman who +works pities herself. The mother whose daughters +go down to business every morning bewails their +fate and feels that destiny has dealt most unkindly +by them. The woman who must do her own housework, +and look after her own babies, and make her +own clothes sheds barrels of tears over her lot.</p> + +<p>Men also accept this view of the situation that +labor is a curse to women, and work themselves to +death in order that their wives and daughters may +live in parasitic ease, with servants to wait upon +them and have nothing to do but kill time. In fact, +the consensus of opinion seems to be that the ideal +state for a woman is that in which she never performs +any useful labor, but merely sits on a silk cushion +and feeds upon strawberries, sugar and cream. +All of this is a distorted view of the situation. Women +need to work just as much as men do. Idleness<span class="pagenum" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</span> +has just as disastrous an effect upon the feminine +character as it has upon the male, and among women, +as among men, the only happy, contented ones are +those who are so much engrossed in some useful +labor that they haven’t leisure in which to consider +whether they are satisfied or not.</p> + +<p>Mother “poor Marys” and “poor Sallys” her +daughters who have to earn their living, but nowhere +else will you see healthier, happier girls than +those holding down good jobs in stores and offices. +Nine times out of ten the girl behind the counter is +brighter, more alert, and finds life a far more entertaining +proposition than does her purposeless idle +sister before the counter.</p> + +<p>Nor is the domestic woman who has to do her own +housework entitled to shed any tears of self-pity on +our necks. There is no more reason why a husky +young woman shouldn’t do her share of the work of +the domestic partnership than there is why her husband +should not do his. It is no more of a hardship +for her to have to work than it is for him, and many +a rich old woman who sits now with empty hands +that ache for occupation will tell you that her happiest +days were the busy, crowded ones when she got +up at five o’clock to cook her husband’s breakfast +before he went to the factory and sat up until eleven +o’clock washing and patching his clothes so that he +could make a decent appearance next day.</p> + +<p>It is a significant fact that the women who fill<span class="pagenum" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</span> +sanitariums and enrich nerve specialists are not the +overworked, hard-driven wives and mothers. They +are the middle-aged and elderly women, who have +nothing to do but to canvass their systems for symptoms +of every disease they read about in the magazines. +It takes leisure to develop invalidism. Busy +people keep well because they haven’t time to be sick.</p> + +<p>Nearly every man’s ambition is to keep his wife +in idleness, and he thinks that he is being a good +husband when he can boast that she hasn’t a thing +on earth to do but to amuse herself. It is pathetic +that the thing that so many good husbands strive +for is their undoing. For it is the idle women who +are the peevish, fretful, discontented wives. It is +the idle women who run off with all sorts of fool +fads and fancies. It is the idle women who decide +that their good, honest, hard-working husbands are +not their real soul-mates, and who get into scandals +with jazzhounds and elope with romantic-looking +sheiks they have picked up in hotel lobbies.</p> + +<p>The idle woman is never a happy woman. Having +nothing to do but to think about herself, she is +sure to prod around in her mind until she finds a +grievance. Having nothing to do, she is sure to get +into mischief. Having no interesting occupation, +she begins to hunt for thrills. And the net result is +that she works harder trying to amuse herself than +she would at scrubbing floors, and the only reward<span class="pagenum" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</span> +is that life is flat, stale and unpalatable in her +mouth.</p> + +<p>Let us hope that the time will soon come when we +will have enough intelligence to perceive that work +is a woman’s salvation even as it is a man’s, and +when we will congratulate the woman with a job +instead of pitying her.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XIX">XIX<br> +<span class="fs70">AN INDOOR SPORT</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">This</span> is a sad world, mates, with too little +sunshine in it, so far be it from me to +abridge, abate or curtail any innocent +pleasure. But it does seem to me that there are +certain diversions that should be indulged in only in +the privacy of home. One of these is the family +spat. Apparently a large number of men and +women get married for the sole purpose of providing +themselves with a sparring partner, with whom +they can put on the gloves at a moment’s notice +with, or without, the slightest provocation. Life +has no dull moments for them, because they are +always saying something that draws blood, or framing +a retort that will cut to the quick, and the +excitement of a battle to the death is perpetually +thrilling their nerves.</p> + +<p>Without doubt, it is a merry and adventurous +existence for the doughty domestic warriors who +enjoy that kind of thing! I would not be cruel +enough to deny them the cheery pastime of going +to the mat over every trivial difference of opinion. +But I do contend that conjugal quarrels are an indoor<span class="pagenum" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</span> +sport that should be pursued only when the +participants have sought the seclusion that the +cabin grants, as they used to say in “Pinafore,” +and when all the shades have been pulled down and +the keyholes stuffed with cotton.</p> + +<p>Possibly the lack of an audience might take off +a little of the edge of the bout for the battling husband +and spouse; but, oh, how immeasurably it +would add to the comfort and happiness of those +of us who are the innocent bystanders and who are +forced to look on, sick with horror, at these encounters! +In all good truth I know of no other +situation so miserable and so embarrassing as to +be called upon to referee a fight between a married +couple. Their quarrel is, to begin with, a matter +with which we have no concern; one in which we do +not desire to meddle; one in which we ardently wish +to take neither side. It makes us feel as if we were +cowards to keep silent while a man hurls deadly insults +at his wife, and we writhe in vicarious shame +while a woman vituperates her husband.</p> + +<p>We have the sense of having assisted in an indecent +orgy when a husband and wife strip every rag +of reserve away from their relationship and fling +open the doors of their skeleton closets, and rattle +their bones in public. Nor are we consoled by the +knowledge that the people who make public exhibitions +of their tempers must enjoy doing so or else +they would not do it. Yet we all number among our<span class="pagenum" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</span> +friends, husbands and wives, otherwise estimable and +charming individuals, who always stage their fights +in the most conspicuous place they can find, and +who seem to prefer an audience to privacy. When +you meet them for an evening’s diversion they are +having a preliminary set-to. Perhaps the husband +has come home late from the office, or has forgotten +to mail a letter, or possibly the wife has kept her +husband waiting while she did her hair over the +second time. During the selection of the dinner +they get warmed up to the work and put in some +punches with real steam behind them. They clinch, +and bite, and gouge over the selection of a play, and +they reach for each other’s vital spots and get in +dirty jabs at the supper dance that follows the +play.</p> + +<p>Doubtless the fighters are enjoying themselves, +but a pleasant time is not being had by all. The +abashed onlookers know not what to do. They do +not know whether to rush in and make it a free-for-all +fight or to try to mediate between the warring +couple, or whether to pretend to have been suddenly +stricken deaf, dumb and blind. And they wind up +by feeling outraged that they should have been +placed in such a mortifying position, and wishing +heartily that husbands and wives would keep their +quarrels for home consumption, and not inflict them +on their friends.</p> + +<p>The same strictures apply to the woman who<span class="pagenum" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</span> +henpecks her husband. That also is one of the quiet +home joys that should be strictly confined to the +domestic circle. I raise no voice of protest against +the woman who has wit and strength and determination +enough to oust her husband out of his position +as head of the house and assume it herself. It is a +matter between the husband and wife, and if he +hasn’t enough spunk to fight for his rights he deserves +to lose them. But why cannot the bossy +women be content with exercising their tyranny quietly +and unobtrusively? Why do they insist upon +rattling the chains by which they lead their husbands +until they call public attention to them?</p> + +<p>Think of the women you know who always say +“MY house.” “MY car.” “MY children.” Who +always walk ahead of their husbands and point out +a seat, and say, “John, sit there,” and who always +tell John where to get on and where to get off! And +think how all the rest of us are embarrassed for +poor John! Believe me, dirty linen should be washed +at home, and family quarrels staged there. That is +one of the main things for which homes are designed.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XX">XX<br> +<span class="fs70">SHOULD WOMEN TELL?</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">I get</span> a great many letters from women who +write that there is a dark stain on their past +life. In the headstrong folly of youth they +took a step down the primrose path, then repented +of their sin, and turned their back upon it, and laid +hold upon righteousness.</p> + +<p>Sometimes nobody knows of the slip but the girl +herself and the man who was her partner in wrong-doing. +Sometimes a woman who had mired her +skirts to the knees has washed them clean with her +tears of remorse, and had the courage to build +anew her life in some place where her early escapades +are unknown.</p> + +<p>Then love comes to these women. Good men offer +them marriage and an honorable place in society. +And the question they ask is, shall they tell these +men the story of their life before they marry them, +or bury the secret in their heart, and leave the +matter on the knees of the gods?</p> + +<p>This is a problem no human wisdom can solve, +for, so far as the woman is concerned, it is a case<span class="pagenum" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</span> +in which she will be damned if she does, and damned +if she doesn’t. Her chances of getting happiness—or +misery—through opening up her skeleton closet +and exhibiting its contents to the man who has asked +her to be his wife are about even, with the odds +for happiness slightly in favor of keeping the lid +clamped down good and hard on her secret.</p> + +<p>The question of right does not enter into the +matter unless you institute a prematrimonial confessional +in which men shall bare their souls as well +as women. There is no more real reason why a +woman should tell a man every detail of her past +than there is why he should tell her of every time +that he has strayed off of the straight and narrow +path.</p> + +<p>It is true that a couple who knew the worst of +each other would start out their life together on a +firm foundation of honest understanding, but nobody +can claim that it would make for their felicity, +or increase their affection for each other. On the +contrary, they would have swept away every illusion. +They would have destroyed the faith of each +in the other, and they would have called into being +an evil spirit, a ghost out of the past, that they +could not banish, and that would forever stand +between them.</p> + +<p>Men have had the wisdom to perceive this. They +realize that what a woman doesn’t know doesn’t hurt +her, but that the thing that she does know she worries<span class="pagenum" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</span> +herself to death over, and so few men are foolish +enough to furnish a wife with a working diagram +of their past lives with which she can torture herself, +and them. They draw a discreet veil over episodes +that are best forgotten, anyway, and deal only +in glittering generalities in referring to their gay +bachelor days. Moreover, women are sensible +enough to let it go at that. No woman wants her +husband to tell her things that stab her every time +she thinks of them, and that eat like a canker into +her memory.</p> + +<p>It is only when the case is reversed, and when it +is the woman who has a blot upon her past, that she +wonders if it is the right thing, the honorable thing, +to tell the man who wants to marry her about it. +Of course, the woman is bound in this by the double +code of morals, which makes one standard for the +woman and another for the man, and that, humorously +enough, makes a husband feel that he has been +exceedingly ill-used if he discovers that his wife has +a past that matches his own.</p> + +<p>Therefore, because she is afraid that in future +years her husband may find out about her past life, +or else driven by her conscience, or for the sheer +relief of sharing her burden with another, the woman +nearly always tells everything to the man before +marriage. Sometimes it drives him from her. Sometimes +he loves her enough to marry her, in spite of +her revelations.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</span></p> + +<p>But, while he forgives, he never forgets. Always +he is haunted by the memories of what she has revealed. +He never trusts her, never wholly believes +in her, and he has to be a bigger-souled man than +most men are if he does not reproach her with her +past, and use it as a whip of scorpions to scourge +her with when he is angry with her.</p> + +<p>Of course, when either a man’s or a woman’s past +life has in it some sinister curse that reaches out +and lays a hand on the future of the one he or she +marries, he or she is bound in honor to tell the other +one about it. But when there is nothing of this kind, +nothing but a youthful folly, a mistake, a blunder +in the dark, bitterly repented of and lived down, it +seems to me the part of wisdom for both men and +women to forego post-mortems, and to wash the slate +clean and make a fresh start.</p> + +<p>What they have done does not matter so much as +what they are going to do. And it often happens +that just because a man or woman has stumbled in +the past they walk the more carefully among the +pitfalls of life, and that out of the sorrows and +repentance for their sins they have brought a tenderness, +a compassion, a forbearance and an understanding +that makes them better men and women +than the vast majority of those who have lived +blameless lives.</p> + +<p>Confession is always weakness. The brave soul<span class="pagenum" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</span> +keeps its own secrets, and takes its own punishment +in silence. It takes a strong man or woman to keep +from blabbing, but it pays never to tell anything +that you do not wish the world to know.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXI">XXI<br> +<span class="fs70">DOMESTIC BOREDOM</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">The</span> thing that oftenest makes marriage a +failure is its dulness. The real specter on +the hearth is that awful silence. It is because +husbands and wives have nothing interesting +to say to each other that they quarrel. It is no +joke, it is a sad truth, that in any theater or restaurant +you can spot the married couples at a first +glance. They are the couples who are sitting up +reading the program through from cover to cover +between the acts, or are apparently memorizing the +menu while the waiter brings their order. The alert, +interesting, smiling people who are gayly chatting +together are the unwed, or those who are talking to +other people’s husbands and wives.</p> + +<p>Let even a bore drop into a droopy, dejected +family circle that has been yawning itself to death +and everybody brightens up and the stream of conversation +which had apparently dried up at its +source begins to flow again. Two may be company +and three a crowd before marriage, but generally +after marriage two is gobs of silence and three a +godsend.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</span></p> + +<p>Yet the majority of people marry for companionship. +Before marriage they could never get +enough of each other’s society, and they esteemed +each other perfect spellbinders. How is it, then, +that they get so fed up on each other’s company +that they sit up like mutes in the solitude of their +homes? Why is it that, apart from fault-finding +and spats and complaints about the servants and +the tradesmen and bulletins about the children, +there is so little family conversation; practically +none that is interesting and cheerful and inspiring? +You would think that a husband and wife who have +all interests in common could never talk themselves +out. But they do, and they come to the place where +they take refuge behind the evening paper or in +solitaire to save themselves from the pretense of +even having to maintain the appearance of keeping +up social intercourse.</p> + +<p>Wives lay the blame for this state of affairs on +their husbands. They say, heaven knows, that they +would be glad enough to talk, but that you can’t +maintain a conversation with a person who always +grunts by way of reply, and who could give a clam +on ice points on silence and then beat it at the game. +Men retort that they have exhausted their conversational +powers during business hours, and they desire +to rest their vocal cords at home. Nevertheless, +it is observable that if somebody interesting<span class="pagenum" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</span> +happens to call, or they go out to dinner, the very +man who was silent at home finds plenty to say.</p> + +<p>Now there are several reasons why there is so +little conversation in the home. The first reason is +because home talk is so often unpleasant. Women, +especially, are prone to flavor it with gloom. They +like to recite the litany of the day’s mischances. +They spoil the flavor of a dinner by telling how +much it cost. They bring on a scene with a child +by telling of its naughtiness. They thrash over +their old grievances because they can’t have what +richer women have.</p> + +<p>All of this gets on the husband’s nerves, and he +retorts by saying a few pithy things about what a +fool a man is to marry and burden himself with a +family and what a poor manager his wife is, and he +gives a few knocks to the dinner for good measure. +After which conversation naturally languishes.</p> + +<p>Another reason that there is little conversation +at home is because it is dangerous. Experience +teaches us that we have to watch our tongues and +delete our home talk if we want to save ourselves +from endless trouble.</p> + +<p>A man hates to lie to his wife about what he does. +He would enjoy telling her all about the poker game +he stayed downtown for last night, and the funny +things the boys said and did, but he does not do it +because well he knows that the price of such an indiscreet +revelation would be to have her nagging him<span class="pagenum" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</span> +about it forever and a day. A wife would just love +to tell her husband about her adventures in buying +a new hat, and how she fell for the twenty-five-dollar +one instead of the fifteen-dollar one she meant +to buy. But she is well aware that she would never +hear the last of her extravagance if she did. So +they both keep silent.</p> + +<p>There is little home conversation because nobody +is interested, and nobody pretends to be, in what you +say. In the family circle nobody listens. Nobody +laughs at your jokes. Nobody sees the points of +your merry cracks. Try to tell a good story, and +somebody is sure to remark that they have heard it +before, and that it is an ancient wheeze. If you had +discovered the North Pole and were relating your +hairbreadth adventures in reaching it by airplane, +somebody would interrupt at the most breathless +moment to say that the iceman forgot to deliver the +ice yesterday.</p> + +<p>Wives won’t listen even when their husbands try +to tell them about their hopes and plans and ambitions +in their careers. And when a woman tries to +talk to her husband about the things that are of +vital interest to her he falls asleep and snores in +her face.</p> + +<p>And that is why conversation is a lost art in the +family circle.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXII">XXII<br> +<span class="fs70">TO MARRY OR NOT TO MARRY?</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">A young</span> woman once said to me:</p> + +<p>“I am, as you know, the private secretary +of the head of a very big business +concern. I get a generous salary. My hours are +easy. My employer, who is an elderly man, is one +of the finest men in the world, and treats me with +every courtesy, kindness and consideration. I feel +it a privilege to be in daily contact with such a +brilliant mind as he has. I love my work. I have +what they call in men a business head. To me +there is no other romance so fascinating as the +romance of commerce; no game so absorbing as the +business game. And it thrills me to the finger tips +to know that I have a part, even if it is a small +one, in this great adventure that sends men and +ships to the uttermost parts of the earth and that +gambles for fortunes.</p> + +<p>“It gratifies my vanity to know that I have +worked up from the bottom to my present fine position, +and it pleases my ambition to know that I can +climb still higher, and that every year I will be more +efficient and more valuable to my employer. I enjoy<span class="pagenum" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</span> +the money I make, and the luxuries it brings me, +as only a woman can who comes of a poor family, +and whose girlhood has been barren of all the pretty +things that girls crave. I find a lot of solid satisfaction +in watching my bank account grow, knowing +that, if I keep on with my job for a few years, I +will have put by enough to safeguard my old age.</p> + +<p>“So far, so good. If I were going to remain perpetually +on the sunny side of forty, I would ask no +life better than that of the successful business +woman. But the dread hour will strike for me, as it +does for all other women, and I am wondering if, +when it does, I will not find myself a lonely old +woman, and wish that I had married and had +children.</p> + +<p>“I am thirty now, and I have got to decide the +question in the next year or two. Shall I give up +my mahogany desk for a gas range? Shall I forfeit +my fat pay envelope for a job where I shall +have to toil ten times as hard for only my board and +clothes? Shall I give up the occupation for which +I spent years in preparing myself, for which I have +talent and which is a joy for me to perform, for +domestic service which I loathe, for which I have no +aptitude and in which I am utterly unskilled?</p> + +<p>“When I see my sister shabby, bedraggled, overworked, +with her crying babies and grouchy husband +I feel like clinging to my good, soft, easy office +position with both hands. Then rises that specter<span class="pagenum" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</span> +of the future in my pathway, and I wonder if in +staying single I will miss the best that life has to +give to a woman, and if I will regret it if I refuse to +follow the traditional career of my sex.</p> + +<p>“Of course, I know that there are women who try +to have their cake, and eat it, too; who grab matrimony +with one hand, and hold on to their jobs with +the other, but my observation is that they always +fall between the stools. They are failures both as +business women and as wives and mothers, for to +succeed in anything you have to give everything that +is in you to it.</p> + +<p>“No woman is of much use in an office when nine-tenths +of her brain and all of her interest are back +home in a cradle and she is worrying over whether +a hired nurse is giving the baby its milk. Nor can +any woman who comes back home at night, with a +worn-out body and jangled nerves, be anybody’s +ideal of a wife and mother.</p> + +<p>“So as far as I am concerned I have to decide the +question which I am going to be, a business woman +or a domestic woman, before I take the fatal step, +and for the life of me I can’t make up my mind +which to do. To marry or not to marry, that is the +problem that I am acquiring gray hairs and wrinkles +debating.</p> + +<p>“Of course, if a fairy prince should come along +and say, ‘Come and be my queen, and ride beside me +in my limousine and tour the world with me on my<span class="pagenum" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</span> +yacht,’ I should doff my Cinderella working suit and +put on my glass slippers, and step out with him.</p> + +<p>“But it is only in novels that millionaires espouse +poor working girls. The men who come a-courting +me are just ordinary young chaps on small salaries, +whose wives will have to do their own cooking, and +wear hand-me-downs.</p> + +<p>“Nor would there be any difficulty in settling the +question if I had an overwhelming passion for some +man. Then I would cry, ‘All for love and my job +well lost!’ and a two-by-four flat would look better +to me than to be president of the greatest corporation +in the world. But I am not really in love. I +have merely an affection for a certain chap that I +might possibly cultivate into a warmer emotion if +I decided that it was better, after all, to marry.</p> + +<p>“But it is cruel, isn’t it, that a woman has to +choose between marriage and her career? When a +man marries he merely annexes a home and wife and +children to the pleasures and interests of his work, +but a woman has to sacrifice one or the other. And +I don’t know which one to choose.”</p> + +<p>“And whichever way you decide, you will be apt +to regret it,” I replied consolingly.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXIII">XXIII<br> +<span class="fs70">WOMAN’S GREATEST GIFT</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">A man</span> told me the other day that he had not +married until he was forty-five years old +because he was determined not to marry +any woman who did not have a sense of humor, and +it took him that long to find one.</p> + +<p>A wise man! A very Solomon among men! May +his tribe increase! It is a million times more important +for a woman to have a well-developed +funny bone than it is for her to have a Grecian +profile, yet when men go to marry they pick out a +girl for a wife because she has melting black eyes, +or soulful blue eyes, without ever once observing +whether the said eyes look on the funny side of life +or take a dark, pessimistic, bilious view of it. Which +is one of the reasons that domestic life is no merry +jest to the average husband.</p> + +<p>A sense of humor is desirable in a man, but it is +absolutely essential for a woman to have a sense of +humor if she is to be an agreeable life partner, +because a woman’s existence is made up of little, +nagging things, at which she must either laugh or<span class="pagenum" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</span> +cry, and if she can’t laugh them off, they get on +her nerves, and she goes to pieces.</p> + +<p>It is the neurotic, haggard women, who can’t see a +joke even after it is diagrammed for them, who fill +the insane asylums and the sanitariums and divorce +courts. The women who wear the smile that won’t +come off, and whose laughter is set on a hair trigger, +get to be fair, fat and forty, and you couldn’t pry +their husbands away from them with a crowbar. It +is the lack of a sense of humor that causes women +to make tragedies instead of comedies out of trifles.</p> + +<p>Take the servant trouble, for instance. Women +worry themselves sick over the mistakes of a green +maid, and it never occurs to them that the very +blunders that they are shedding tears over are +screamingly funny contretemps that they pay out +money to see imitated in a sketch on the vaudeville +stage.</p> + +<p>Of course, no one wants the soup to be seasoned +with sugar instead of salt, nor the waste-paper basket +to be put on the mantel as a parlor ornament +as a perpetual thing, but the mistress who can get +a laugh instead of a sick headache out of the mistakes +of her Norah or Dinah, fresh from Ireland or +the cotton fields, saves her own face and that of +the maid whom she later trains into being a good +servant.</p> + +<p>Moreover, a woman with a sense of humor can +take the curse off of even bad cooking, for there is<span class="pagenum" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</span> +not one of us who would not rather sit down to a +boiled dinner with a jolly woman, full of good stories +and anecdotes, than to attend a banquet where +the hostess is gloomy and peevish and whiny, and +who frets with her children and spats with her +husband.</p> + +<p>Whether a woman makes a success or failure of +matrimony depends altogether on whether she has +a sense of humor or not. If she can see her husband +as one of the most mirth-provoking, side-splitting, +uproarious human jokes that nature ever perpetrated +she will be happy, and he will bless heaven +on his knees for having given him the paragon of +wives. But if she sees him as an Awful Problem, or +a subject for reformation, neither one of them will +ever know a happy hour, and the marriage will +either end in a divorce court or a long endurance +contest.</p> + +<p>The women who wreck marriages are the ones who +take their husbands seriously, and who get tragic +every time their husbands look at another woman, +or play a little poker, or fail to come home at the +appointed hour, and who weep when their husbands +forget an anniversary, or fail in some little attention +they consider their due. The women who keep their +husbands enslaved from the altar to the grave are +the women who laugh with their husband over their +little faults and peculiarities. They make a joke of +their husband’s weakness for a pretty face; they<span class="pagenum" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</span> +have a dozen funny stories to tell about how they +helped their husbands out of scrapes, and, instead of +feeling ill-used and assuming the pose of a domestic +martyr when their husbands forget their birthdays, +they go out and buy themselves a particularly nice +present, which they pay for without a murmur because +they know that a wife with a sense of humor is +worth anything she costs.</p> + +<p>A sense of humor is even more necessary to a +mother than it is to a wife. The humorless woman +takes her children too tragically. They wear her +out, and she alienates them from her by her ceaseless +nagging because she thinks that every little +foolish thing they do is full of direful significance. +The mother with a sense of humor knows that youth +is as subject to certain follies as it is to the mumps +and the measles and the whooping cough, and that +it must go through these experiences, as it did +through the cycle of infantile diseases, but that +they are not fatal if they are carefully watched.</p> + +<p>She may not approve of all the manifestations of +flapperism and jellybeanitis, but she knows that the +remedy for them is laughter and not tears, and so +she keeps her young ones in bounds with good-natured +ridicule. Nor does she break her heart with +dismal forebodings about the terrible fate that is +bound to overtake boys and girls who do not dress +and act as did their grandparents. She has seen +too many silly young people develop into fine men<span class="pagenum" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</span> +and women to borrow trouble worrying over what is +going to become of the race.</p> + +<p>In its last analysis, a sense of humor is just the +sense of proportion that enables us to see things +in their true relation to life. It is the thing that +keeps us from making mountains out of molehills, +and that gives us the courage to smile instead of +cry. Happy the woman who has this gift, and +thrice happy the man who gets her for a wife.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXIV">XXIV<br> +<span class="fs70">GRAFTING ON THE OLD FOLKS</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">It</span> is a curious thing, in a way it is a beautiful +thing, and it’s a selfish thing, that children +rarely ever think of their parents as human +beings. Children think of their fathers and mothers +as the source whence all blessings flow or they think +of them as an avenging justice. But it seldom +occurs to them that their parents are men and +women, in addition to being parents; that they have +the same preferences and long for the same pleasures +as other people, and that they have a few rights +that even their children should respect.</p> + +<p>Of course, a small child unquestionably takes for +granted all that its parents give and do for it. It +is merely the order of nature that Mother should +appear at its bed with the cup of water for which +it cries out in the night; that Mother should clean +up the dirt it brings into the house and spend hours +over the stove cooking the things it likes to eat; +and that Father should work while it plays and go +shabby to give it fine clothes.</p> + +<p>As they grow up, children continue to demand<span class="pagenum" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</span> +more and more of their parents. They bleed Father +and Mother white for the things they want. They +are not intentionally cruel, but they will take the +last dollar they can wring out of the family purse +without ever once thinking that Father and Mother +might like to spend some of the money they earn on +themselves and in gratifying their own desires. And, +curiously enough, even after they have grown to +man’s and woman’s estate, the great majority of +people still hold to this point of view about their +parents. In regulating their lives, they do not take +their parents’ rights into consideration. They do +not say, “My father and mother have sacrificed +enough for me; they have done enough for me. Now +I will stand on my own feet, and be as little a burden +as possible to them.”</p> + +<p>Of course, the most flagrant illustration of this +is found in the loafer sons and daughters who let +their old parents work and support them. We all +know husky, able-bodied young men who play golf +while Father slaves in an office, and strapping big +girls who perform on the piano while Mother is performing +on the gas range. Apparently, it never +crosses the mind of these despicable young people +that after they are old enough to support themselves +they have no right to sponge upon their parents, +and graft their living off them. Still less do they +ever think that Mother and Father would like to +take things easier as they grow older, and indulge<span class="pagenum" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</span> +in a few of the luxuries they have had to deny themselves +while they were raising and educating their +children.</p> + +<p>Another illustration of how little children regard +the rights of their parents you may see in the nonchalance +with which young mothers turn over their +children to their own mothers. When Sally wants +to go to a bridge luncheon or Maud wants to take +a trip, they dump the children down on Mother. +When Clarabell wants to go to Europe for the +summer, she doesn’t worry at all as to what to do +with the children. She leaves them, with a thousand +instructions as to diet and clothes, and manners and +morals, with Mother. So that in innumerable families +Mother becomes nothing but a sort of universal +nursemaid.</p> + +<p>It would shock these daughters to be told what a +mean, selfish thing they do in not standing by and +doing their own baby tending as Mother did hers. +They, themselves, know what it is to walk the colic—what +broken nights mean, how incessant must be the +care given little children—how nerve-racking children’s +noise is. Yet they foist this burden on +Mother without a pang of compunction because +they are so used to seeing her doing everything +for them.</p> + +<p>It never occurs to them that she would like to +fold her hands in a little peace and rest; furthermore, +that she has earned it by bringing up one<span class="pagenum" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</span> +family, and her daughters haven’t any right to +make her substitute on raising another one.</p> + +<p>Then there are the children who lay their matrimonial +burdens on their parents. John gets married +before he is earning enough to support a family. +Susie marries a ne’er-do-well, in spite of all +efforts to prevent it. Fanny discovers that the +man to whom she is married is not her soul mate, +and gets a divorce, and comes back home with two +or three children. None of these selfish young people, +bent on gratifying their own desires, considers +Father’s and Mother’s rights in the matter, yet the +parents, in the end, are the real sacrifices.</p> + +<p>They can’t let John and his wife and children +starve, and so the money that Father and Mother +had saved up for their old age goes in pittances +to help him along. They can’t shut the door in +Fanny’s face when she comes back with her divorce +and her half-orphaned children, so Father works +harder, and Mother pinches and economizes more +to raise and educate this second family that their +children have thrown upon them. Surely there is +no other thing that children need to realize so much +as that their parents have some rights. Perhaps if +they understood this, and that after a man and a +woman have raised a family of children they have +a right to peace and quiet and their own money, +there would be fewer parasitic sons and daughters.</p> + +<p>Perhaps, if they realized that parents had rights,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</span> +more young people would consider how their marriages +would react on their parents, and many a disgruntled +wife would carry on with a marriage that +wasn’t perfectly congenial rather than burden her +old parents with her own and her children’s support.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXV">XXV<br> +<span class="fs70">ARE YOU A GOOD FATHER?</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Are</span> you a good father to your daughter, Mr. +Man? You smile derisively at my question. +A good father to your little girl? You’ll +tell the world you are! Why, she is just the very +core of your heart, and there hasn’t been a blessed +thing that she has wanted since the day she was +born that you haven’t given her. Why, you have +almost broken your neck trying to get the moon +for her when she cried for it. Pretty dresses, fashionable +schools, good times, her own car, far more +luxuries than you could afford her, you have lavished +upon her without stint. You have kept her +wrapped in cotton wool, and she has never known +there was such a thing as work or responsibility or +self-denial in the world. You may have failed in +many other directions in doing your full duty, but +you can pat yourself on the back and thank God +that you have been a good father!</p> + +<p>Well, let me tell you that if all you have done for +your daughter is just to pamper her and spoil her +and make her weak and selfish and self-centered, you +have not been a good father. You have been the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</span> +worst sort of father. You have never looked upon +your daughter as anything but a pretty doll to +dress up and play with, and dolls cannot take care +of themselves in the rough-and-tumble fight of life. +Sooner or later they are apt to get broken.</p> + +<p>Let me tell you what I consider a good father. +A good father is a man who doesn’t look upon his +daughter as a toy or a piece of bric-a-brac, but as a +human being who has been born with the heavy +handicap of the feminine sex upon her. That means +that she will always be less strong than a boy, less +capable of taking care of herself, in far more +danger. Fewer opportunities will be open to her, +and many more perils beset her than would a boy. +Therefore, she needs more protection. She needs to +be better trained to deal with the world. So the good +father sees to it that his girl gets the very best +education that she will take. Not the flubdub, fluffy ruffles +sort, but a solid, practical education that +develops whatever gray matter she has got in her +pretty little head, that teaches her to think and +reason and that gives her a solid foundation on +which to rear her house of life.</p> + +<p>Then the good father has his daughter taught +some profession or trade whereby she can earn a +living, and he has her follow this occupation for at +least a year. He does this for many reasons. He +does it because he knows how easily money is lost, +and he wants to know that his daughter has in herself<span class="pagenum" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</span> +the skill and ability to make her own living if she +is ever thrown on her own resources. He does it +because he knows the knowledge that she can stand +on her own feet and earn her own bread and butter +and cake, gives a girl a poise nothing else in the +world can give. He does it because the discipline +of a business office, the experience in handling money +and an insight into the troubles and problems of +men are the best preparation any girl can have for +matrimony.</p> + +<p>A good father chums with his daughter. He begins +being confidential with her in her cradle, and +this makes it natural that when she grows up she +should discuss with him the boys who come to see +her, and that father should be able to form her +tastes and assiduously guide her in her choice of +a husband. Girls know nothing about men. It is +impossible that they should, but there is nothing +about any young chap that father can’t find out, +and if he knew that this youth had a hectic past, or +that one drank, or the other one was a trifling +ne’er-do-well, it would be the simplest thing possible +to prevent many an unhappy marriage by making +daughter see a suitor through the sophisticated eyes +of a worldly-wise man, instead of the romantic ones +of a young girl.</p> + +<p>A good father tries to protect his daughter after +he is dead. So, when he makes his will he leaves her +whatever money he has to bequeath her tied up good<span class="pagenum" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</span> +and tight in a trust company so that she cannot +touch anything but the interest. He knows that +every woman who has any money is the foredoomed +prey of get-rich-quick sharks and all of her parasitic +relatives. He has seen too many women sell +their gilt-edge bonds and invest the proceeds in +wildcat stock that promised to pay 40 per cent and +never paid a penny. He has seen too many women +lend their money without security to Deacon Jones, +because he prayed so beautifully, or to Uncle John, +because they didn’t have the nerve to say “No” to +a member of the family.</p> + +<p>Above all, a good father leaves his daughter’s +money in trust for her, not only to save her money +but to save her from friction with her husband. He +has seen many a man graft his wife’s fortune deliberately, +and he has seen many more good men, who +were poor business men, bring their wives to poverty. +And he knows that it takes more backbone +than the average woman possesses to hold on to her +money when the man she loves is continually asking +her for it. So father saves her the necessity of any +arguments on the subject. Are you doing these +things for your daughter, Mr. Man? Are you a +good father?</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXVI">XXVI<br> +<span class="fs70">THE MORAL MUSCLES OF YOUR CHILDREN</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">The</span> most overdressed and overindulged children +are those whose parents were poor in +their youth. The most undisciplined and +uncontrolled children are those whose parents were +reared in strict and stern households. When you +see a little girl playing around in a befrilled lace +and embroidered dress and silk stockings, you do +not need to be told that at her age her mother wore +gingham and went barefooted. When you see a +young boy splitting the road open in an imported +car you know that when his father was a lad he +trudged on foot to the factory with his dinner pail +on his arm. When you see ill-mannered young people +who smoke and drink and carouse and recognize +no law but their own pleasure; who run roughshod +over the rights of others; who have no respect for +age, and who either patronize their parents or treat +them with contempt, you know that they are the +offspring of fathers and mothers who were given +few privileges when they were young and who were<span class="pagenum" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</span> +coerced by determined and strong-handed parents +into walking the straight and narrow path.</p> + +<p>Nothing is more common than to hear people say, +“I don’t want my children to be denied things as I +was in my childhood”; “I don’t want my children to +have to work as I did when I was a child”; “I don’t +want my children to be suppressed and tyrannized +over as I was when I was young.”</p> + +<p>Indeed, so common is this feeling that sometimes +it seems that the present generation is being brought +up by the rule of contraries, and that the only +fixed idea that many parents have is to rear their +sons and daughters exactly opposite from the way +they were reared; to give them everything they +didn’t have and to let them do everything they were +not permitted to do.</p> + +<p>There is something very pathetic in this. It +speaks so eloquently of the ungratified cravings of +childhood, of the weariness of little hands that never +knew any playtime; of the thwarted desires for +pleasure at the time of life when one is mad for +amusement, and it is easy to understand why parents +whose own childhood was stinted and dull should +want to lap their children in luxury and give them +all the fun they missed. But in trying to save their +children the hardships they have gone through, they +are also cutting their sons and daughters off from +the experiences that make such men and women as +they are themselves—the kind of men and women<span class="pagenum" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</span> +who rise from poverty to fortune and from obscurity +to fame. For it is not in the lap of ease +that successes are made. It takes struggle and self-denial +and discipline to form character.</p> + +<p>That is why we have the proverb that it is three +generations from shirt sleeves to shirt sleeves. The +poor man by energy and industry piles up a fortune, +but because he has had to work and save in his youth +he teaches his children to be idlers and wasters and +spenders, and they run through their fortune and +their children must go to work again at the bottom +of the wheel. Probably the children of the self-made +man have naturally just as much ability as he has, +but they nearly always amount to nothing, because +their foolish father has denied them all the advantages +he had when he was young and he has enervated +them with indulgences.</p> + +<p>People who have been brought up in puritanic +homes almost invariably let their children run wild. +They put no restraints upon them. They demand +nothing of them. They resent the lack of liberty +they had in their youth, and so they give their children +license. They do not seem to realize that the +system at which they rail made good citizens, instead +of the hoodlums which they are turning out. They +do not reflect that they owe their health and +strength to clean living; that because they were +made to do things they formed habits of industry; +that because they were made to do hard things just<span class="pagenum" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</span> +because it was a duty to do them they developed the +grit which keeps men and women from being quitters; +that because they were taught obedience and +self-control they became captains of their own souls +and masters of their fate, instead of being the playthings +of their passions and emotions.</p> + +<p>They must know, if they stop to think at all, how +much better fitted they were to meet life, how much +more secure they were of happiness than are their +children, who have never been taught to do anything +they do not want to do, or to deny themselves +the gratification of any appetite or desire.</p> + +<p>For life doesn’t change. The world does not alter +and no matter how much we would like to soft-pad +existence for our children and stand between them +and every hardship and sorrow, we cannot do it. +At the last, in one way or another, they must come +to grips with fate, and when they do the weak and +dissolute will perish. The spendthrifts will come to +want. The self-seekers will have their hearts broken.</p> + +<p>Of course, it is a great temptation for parents to +lavish upon their children everything that money +will buy, and it is much easier to give strong-willed +youngsters their heads and let them go their own +gait than it is to hold them in check, but that way +destruction lies for the child. And this is something +that parents, who are denying their children the +struggle of life that made them what they are, might +well reflect upon.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXVII">XXVII<br> +<span class="fs70">THE MOTHER-IN-LAW</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Undoubtedly</span> there is no other thing over +which so many tears are shed and which is +such a potent source of discord and misery +as in-laws. Innumerable young women have the +happiness of their youth wrecked by their quarrels +with their mothers-in-law. Innumerable old women +have their last days made bitter to them by the +knowledge that they are unwelcome guests in their +sons’ houses and that their daughters-in-law hate +them. Innumerable men are made miserable by +being torn between the two women they love, who +fight over them like dogs over a bone. Discussing +this subject the other day, a woman who is a mother-in-law +said:</p> + +<p>“Like everything else, the mother-in-law question +is a fifty-fifty proposition, and when they don’t get +along together both are to blame. Certainly it isn’t +an easy thing for a woman who has run her own +house and been at the head of everything to take a +back seat in her daughter-in-law’s home. And it +isn’t easy to forget that your children are your<span class="pagenum" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</span> +children and to keep hands off in their affairs and +treat them with the formality you would strangers.</p> + +<p>“On the other hand, most daughters-in-law meet +their mothers-in-law with a chip on their shoulders +and are always hunting for trouble. They seem to +feel that when a man marries he should forget the +mother who bore him and wipe out the memory of +all the years of close association that there has been +between them. They are even jealous of the slightest +attention and consideration that their husbands +show their mothers.</p> + +<p>“They seem to forget that if it wasn’t for these +much-resented mothers-in-law they wouldn’t have +any husbands at all, and that the better husbands +they have the more they owe to their mothers-in-law.</p> + +<p>“For if a man is tender, and kind, and generous, +and considerate to his wife, it is because his mother +has taught him to be chivalrous to women. She has +trained him to be a good husband just as she has +trained him to be a good citizen, and he honors and +respects his wife because he so greatly honors and +respects his mother.</p> + +<p>“You never saw a bad son who was a good husband. +You never hear of a man who abused and +cursed his mother, and regarded her as only a slave +to wait upon him, who didn’t treat his wife the same +way. And so we mothers who raise up clean, +straight sons, who enter into marriage with high +ideals and a determination to cherish their wives and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</span> +make them happy, have done the girls who get them +such a service as they could not repay if they were +down on their knees before us the balance of their +days.</p> + +<p>“But if any daughter-in-law has ever lifted her +voice in thanks to her mother-in-law for teaching +her son to be unselfish, or to be generous with money, +or to pay her the little attentions that women love, +I have never heard of it.</p> + +<p>“And there is another queer thing about daughters-in-law. +They seem to think that marriage +should obliterate a man’s past and break all the ties +of his life.</p> + +<p>“He and his mother may have been the closest +of companions; he may have asked her advice on +every subject and talked over all of his plans with +her, but woe be unto all concerned if he tries that +after he takes a wife.</p> + +<p>“Ninety-nine times out of a hundred the wife +grows green-eyed and considers it rank treachery to +her, and for the sake of peace mother and son have +to forego the little talks that were such a joy to +them both or else do this stealthily and hold a stolen +rendezvous.</p> + +<p>“Yet it does look as if any woman who wasn’t a +moron would have sense enough to see that any man +who could forget his mother and all he owed to her +would be such a disloyal creature that he would<span class="pagenum" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</span> +forget his wife when some younger and fairer woman +came along.</p> + +<p>“Of course, the chief charge that our daughters-in-law +have against us is that we are always meddling +in their affairs. Perhaps we do, but aren’t +our children’s affairs our affairs too? Hasn’t the +mother who has raised her son to manhood and who +has made him strong and capable of earning a fine +salary a right to say something when she sees his +hard-earned money being wasted, his home neglected +and his health ruined by bad cooking?</p> + +<p>“If a mother saw her own daughter treating her +husband that way, she would rebuke her and show +her where she was making a fatal mistake, and the +daughter would not resent it. Why can’t a daughter-in-law +take the same advice and profit by it, +instead of flying at the throat of the mother-in-law +and considering herself a martyr to mother-in-lawism?</p> + +<p>“Of course, there are exceptions to all rules. I +know daughters-in-law who are real daughters to +their husbands’ mothers. I even know daughters-in-law +who have borne with angelic patience cranky +women who could not even get along with their own +daughters. And I know mothers-in-law whose presence +is like a benediction in a house and others who +are firebrands wherever they go. So perhaps there +is no way to settle the question so long as we are all +human and not female saints. But God pity the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</span> +mother who is obliged to live with her children, no +matter how kind they may be! She is always the +fifth wheel, and feels it. Perhaps those savages who +kill off all the old people haven’t such a bad plan of +disposing of the question, after all.”</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXVIII">XXVIII<br> +<span class="fs70">WHY OUR FAMILIES RILE US</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">A woman</span> wants to know why it is that we +find it harder to get along with our families +than we do with other people, and why +our own blood-and-kin rile us more than anybody +else on earth. Probably the main reason why we +find it so difficult to live in peace and harmony with +those who are really near and dear to us is because +we are too much alike. We have inherited the same +traits of character, and when these come in collision +there is a resounding crash, and the noise of wrecked +tempers and exploding wrath.</p> + +<p>Father, an iron-willed, tyrannical gentleman, who +has ruled his little world like a despot, cannot get +along with John, who is of the same fiber, and +equally determined to have his own way and do as +he pleases. Father and John may have a very sincere +affection for each other and admire each other’s +good qualities, but they can never be together an +hour without getting into a fight over something.</p> + +<p>Mother is a born manager, one of the ladies who +honestly believe, with the famous Frenchman, that<span class="pagenum" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</span> +she could have saved the Almighty from making +some mortifying mistakes if she had been consulted +at the creation. Mary is mother’s own daughter in +her perfect belief that she knows exactly how to run +the universe. What wonder, then, that they clash +over every gown and hat that is bought; over every +man that comes to see Mary; over everywhere that +Mary goes?</p> + +<p>Sometimes the reason that we can’t get along with +our own people is because we are so entirely different +from them. Often and often children are changelings, +and those of our own flesh have no tie of spiritual +kinship with us. The father who is a hard-headed, +practical business man has nothing in common +with the son who is a quivering bunch of nerves +and sensibilities; who is a dreamer of dreams, and +who counts wealth in terms of beauty, instead of +dollars. Mother, who was a beauty and a belle in +her day, with scores of lovers sighing at her feet, +has looked forward to reliving her triumphs in her +daughter. And when daughter grows up to be a +big, sturdy young person who wants to go into business +and who loathes society, what wonder that they +get on each other’s nerves?</p> + +<p>When you hear parents speak bitterly of what a +disappointment children are, and how ungrateful, it +merely means that their children are different from +them. John insists on being a doctor or a lawyer +instead of going into the hardware business father<span class="pagenum" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</span> +has been building up for him for twenty years. +Mary wants to marry a poor young man, instead +of the nice, settled, rich widower mother has picked +out for her. Other people find John brilliant and +talented. Father calls him a fool to his face because +he won’t do father’s way. Other women are sympathetic +with Mary’s romance, and her willingness to +sacrifice riches for love. It infuriates mother to see +her throwing an establishment and pearls and a +limousine away, for a sentiment.</p> + +<p>Often the reason we cannot get along with our +own families is because they are like a mirror in +which we see our own faults in all their hideousness. +Father’s lack of ambition that has kept him from +making anything of his life; mother’s shiftlessness +and wastefulness that have kept the family poor; +brother’s brutal temper; sister’s sharp tongue that +cuts like a two-edge sword—these irritate us, and +we find them harder to forgive than we would such +defects in other people because we know that we +are, ourselves, prone to just these weaknesses.</p> + +<p>Besides these fundamental reasons why it is hard +to get along with our relatives, there are a thousand +minor causes of discord. One of the principal ones +is the lack of politeness in the family circle, for +most people feel that good manners are like good +clothes, and should be worn only for the benefit of +company. It is an amazing but true thing that +practically the only people who ever say mean, insulting,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</span> +wounding things to us are those of our own +household.</p> + +<p>Strangers listen to us with apparent interest, and +laugh at our jokes. Our friends compliment our +new frocks and cars. If our casual acquaintances +do not like our taste or respect our judgment, they +keep silent about it. It is our families who stab +our vanity to the quick by yawning in our faces, +and asking us if we are going to tell that old story +over again; who bluntly inform us that our new hat +is ten years too young for us, and that there is +nothing so ridiculous as old women trying to be +flappers; who criticize the way we are raising our +children, and tell us the home truths we would rather +die than hear.</p> + +<p>Still another reason why it is hard to get along +with our families is because it is generally held that +the mere fact that you love people gives you a perfect +right to nag them. We speak of family ties as +binding. Binding is right, for in the average home +no one can rise up or sit down, eat or fast, go or +come, without having to give an account of why he +or she did it or didn’t do it, and being advised to do +it some other way.</p> + +<p>It is for these, and a thousand other reasons, +that we find it difficult to get along with our families, +and fly to those who do not feel that they have +a right to boss, correct, advise or otherwise interfere +with us in the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXIX">XXIX<br> +<span class="fs70">OUR LIVES ARE WHAT WE MAKE THEM</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">You</span> have been in factory towns where more +or less benevolent corporations have built +rows upon rows of houses, each one as like +its neighbor as peas in a pod. But one house would +have dirty, grimy, unwashed windows, with old newspapers +or rags stuffed in a broken window pane. +The yard would be filled with old cans and ashes and +refuse, and the place would look like a shack, unfit +for human habitation.</p> + +<p>The house next door would have bright and shining +windows, with clean, freshly starched muslin curtains +and a gay red geranium in a pot showing +between them. Flowers would be blooming in the +yard, and a vine trained over the doorway, and the +place would be a home, bright, cheerful and attractive. +Yet the two houses were exactly alike. The +only difference was in what the people in them made +of them.</p> + +<p>One cook can take a cheap cut of meat and a +handful of vegetables and make of them a ragout, +over which an epicure would smack his lips. Another<span class="pagenum" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</span> +cook will take the same meat and vegetables +and make of them a watery stew, with neither flavor +nor nutriment to it. It is the same material, but +the difference is in the cooks.</p> + +<p>That is the way it is all through life. There are +a few fortunate individuals who seem to be the darlings +of the gods, and with whom Lady Luck walks +hand in hand. And there are also a few miserable +ones who appear to have been born double-crossed +by fate. But the great majority of us get a pretty +even deal. We have the same family relationships. +We go to the same schools. We have the same +chance to work, and the balance is up to us. We +are happy or miserable, successful or failures, rich +or poor, according to what we make out of our lives. +We marry, millions of us. And set up homes. One +out of every seven of the marriages ends in divorce. +More than three-fourths of the homes are wrecked, +not because there is anything especially wrong, not +because either husband or wife is an outbreaking +criminal, but because they are too ignorant or too +selfish to make their marriage a success.</p> + +<p>All husbands and wives are cut off the same bolt +of humanity. No man is perfect. No woman is an +angel. No domestic machine runs along without a +jar or a hitch. Every marriage calls for sacrifices, +for patience, for forgiveness, endurance, and you +get out of it just what you put into it—heaven or +hell.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</span></p> + +<p>You go to homes that simply irradiate peace and +love and good cheer, where there is a happy and +contented man, and a smiling and blissful woman: +where there are fine children growing up in the right +atmosphere. And you go to another home that is +a place of torment, where a surly man snarls and +snaps, and a disgruntled woman whines and complains, +and unruly, uncontrolled children fight like +the Kilkenny cats.</p> + +<p>Yet both of these families started out with the +same equipment. Both couples were in love when +they were married. Both had about the same +amount of money. Both were called upon to make +the same sacrifices. Both had the same chances at +happiness. Yet one made a success of marriage, +and the other failed.</p> + +<p>We talk about opportunity, and when we fail we +lay the blame on luck. We say we never had a +chance. But the truth is that we are our own luck, +that we make our own opportunities.</p> + +<p>Did you ever think that every day in the year +there are thousands of green country boys going +into every big city, seeking their fortunes, and thousands +of city boys leaving those same cities because +they think that everything is overcrowded and overdone, +and that they have no opportunity there? +And many of those country boys will find the chance +the city boy overlooked, and pick up the fortune he +passed by.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</span></p> + +<p>The world is full of failures, croaking that there +is no money in farming or the mercantile business, +and warning young men that they will starve if they +become lawyers, or doctors, or actors, or writers, +or artists. Yet there are rich farmers with bursting +granaries. Everywhere millionaire business men. +There are world-famous lawyers and doctors and +matinée idols and men who write best sellers.</p> + +<p>And the successes are side by side with the failures, +working in the same environment, under the +same conditions, and the only difference is the difference +in the men themselves. It is the difference in +the energy, the grit, the determination, the stick-at-iveness, +the heart and soul and brains that one man +put into his work and the other didn’t. Whether +we are happy or not depends upon ourselves, for in +reality we all have pretty much the same raw material +with which to work.</p> + +<p>Sickness, suffering, the death of those we love, +disappointment, come to us all. The poorest woman +alive and the millionairess bear their children in the +same agony, and weep the same tears over little +coffins. Money does not buy love, tenderness, nor +peace of mind, and just as many hearts ache under +silver brocade as under cotton.</p> + +<p>But we can hold our souls serene if we will. We +can keep from fretting. We can resolutely extract +the sweet instead of the bitter out of life. We can +dwell on our blessings instead of our miseries, and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</span> +we can acquire a philosophy that will enable us to +laugh instead of weep over the misadventures that +befall us.</p> + +<p>For our lives are what we make them. It is all +up to us.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXX">XXX<br> +<span class="fs70">HUSBAND LOSERS</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Three</span> divorced women were talking together +the other day and one of them said:</p> + +<p>“When we wives lose our husbands we +always accuse some other woman of having stolen +them from us; and we cry out that our husbands +are cruel ingrates, who have taken the best years of +our lives and then thrown us aside like broken toys +when we were no longer young and beautiful. And +we pose as blameless martyrs who are the pitiful +victims of man’s perfidy.</p> + +<p>“Of course, it saves our faces to be able to lay all +the blame for our wrecked homes on others, and it +soothes our hurt vanity to be wept over as a poor, +innocent, deserted wife. But in the still watches of +the night, when we have it out with our own souls, +there are mighty few of us who can shrive our consciences +and know that we are blameless.</p> + +<p>“Most of us know in our heart of hearts that if +our husband’s love died, we did our part in administering +the lethal dose. We may have done it +through ignorance, through carelessness, through +blundering stupidity; we may have even done it<span class="pagenum" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</span> +with the best intentions in the world and with the +firm conviction that we were forcing down their +throats a remedy that would cure them of all the +little ailments and weakness of character from which +they suffered. But the point is, we did it. We were +accessory to the crime, and we could have prevented +it if we had so wished.</p> + +<p>“Now, as you know, my husband forsook me for +his secretary. I called her a thief who had used +her position to rob me of a husband and my little +children of their father, and I looked upon him with +bitterness and contempt, as a poor weakling who +let an adventuress make him forget his honor as a +man and his duty to his wife and children. I called +Heaven to witness that I was innocent and that I +had been a good, true, virtuous woman, who had +always done her duty to her family. It took me a +long time to see that, if my husband grew weary +of me, I had made him tired by my incessant nagging +and fault finding; that if he ceased to love me, +it was because I was no longer lovable, and that the +other woman had not really stolen him from me. I +had simply handed him over to her on a silver salver.</p> + +<p>“You see, I was one of the wives who did not +realize that it is easy enough to get a husband, but +the work comes in in keeping one. I thought that +after a woman was married she could let herself go, +and so I never bothered to keep myself dolled up at +home, or to try to make myself pleasant and agreeable.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</span> +I went in negligee, both as to clothes and +manners. Any old rag was good enough to wear +at home. Any disagreeable topic was a suitable +breakfast-table discussion, and I felt perfectly free +to quarrel with my husband, and criticize him, and +ridicule all of his little faults and idiosyncrasies.</p> + +<p>“I forgot that he went from a sloppy wife to an +office where a trim, perfectly groomed woman, +younger and better looking than I, waited for him. +I forgot that he went from my nagging and fault +finding to a girl who was paid to agree with him +and whose job depended largely on her flattering +him and telling him how wonderful and great he was. +It wouldn’t have been human for him not to constitute +a daily comparison between us, and it was +inevitable that when he did, that I should lose out. +If I had kept my doors locked and my burglar +alarms in working order no one could have looted +my home. And so I am just as responsible for the +wreck of it as are those who broke it up.”</p> + +<p>“My husband was a gay, pleasure-loving man,” +said the second divorcee. “He always wanted to be +going somewhere. He loved to be in the thick of +crowds. He adored dancing, and restaurants, and +the bright lights. He loved fine clothes, and always +wanted me to look like a fashion plate. Now, I am +a serious-minded woman and was brought up to take +a serious view of things, and I felt it my duty to +cure my husband of his frivolity by leading him up<span class="pagenum" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</span> +to what I considered the higher life. I began by +trying to wean him away from his old friends, on +whom I turned such a cold shoulder that they soon +ceased coming to the house. I lectured him about +his extravagance and the way he threw away money, +and finally got possession of the family purse and +doled out dimes to him. I wouldn’t go out with him +of an evening, and I rarely let him go without a +scene. At first he submitted, but he looked bored +and sulky, and then he broke out of jail, which was +all his home had come to be to him, and that was +the beginning of the end.</p> + +<p>“For, of course, when I wouldn’t play with him +he found some other woman who would, and who +wouldn’t wet-blanket every occasion by her moral +strictures or spoil every meal at a restaurant by +looking at the pay check. If I had been willing to +flatter him, and jolly him, and dance with him, and +let him spend his money on me, he would never have +left me. But I wouldn’t do it, and my austerity +got on his nerves. He wanted a playmate instead +of a censor, and so I feel that I am just as much +to blame as he was.”</p> + +<p>“I lost my husband through ambition,” said the +third divorcee. “He was an artist of great talent, +and I was mad for him to win fame and money, so +I never let him rest. I prodded him on all the time. +I was forever a goad in his side, and so I became +to him a sort of incarnate conscience, a perpetual<span class="pagenum" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</span> +reminder of all the unpleasant duties of life. He +was temperamental, a child of impulse, and I became +his task-mistress, a slave driver to him. Finally he +got to the place where he could stand it no more, +and he eloped with a young girl as irresponsible as +he was. She will never push him on to success as I +would have done, but she lets him follow every whim +and she will hold him, as I could have done if I had +had intelligence enough to see that you can’t make +a work horse out of Pegasus.”</p> + +<p>“How much happiness we might save if only our +wisdom did not come too late,” sighed the first +woman.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXXI">XXXI<br> +<span class="fs70">MARTHA OR MARY?</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Clever</span> Mary—who, take it from me, +knows her way about—was talking about +her friend, Martha, the other day.</p> + +<p>“Of course, Martha is the Perfect Housewife,” +she said, “but she is a mighty poor wife. Without +doubt, she is a great and glorious housekeeper and +a cook and baker and cleaner. Never have I seen +a rumple in her curtains. Her bedspreads are like +the driven snow. And you could eat off her floors. +Her house is so immaculate that her husband must +feel a perfect stranger in it, and like a bull in a +china shop.</p> + +<p>“But her days are so taken up with work that +she has time for nothing else—not a minute to read +or to play, or to be a companion to her husband. +In fact, she is so worn out by the time night comes +that she is too tired to do anything but go to bed.</p> + +<p>“Her husband loves to read, but if he sits up +late, the light annoys her so much that she can’t +sleep, so she says. So she nags him until he gives it +up in disgust. She, herself, never reads anything<span class="pagenum" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</span> +except the advertisements of the department stores +in the papers, and the thrilling accounts of vacuum +cleaners and patent breakfast foods in the backs of +the magazines. And when her husband tries to talk +to her about the things he is interested in—books, +sports, his business—he had just as well try to ring +any other dumbbell.</p> + +<p>“Now, I do all my own housework, and I must be +a fairly capable housewife, for my mother-in-law +has put her O.K. on me, and that settles that. But +there isn’t a spot in my house where we can’t park +ourselves at any time. My library table is filled +with books and magazines, and if husband drops +ashes and scatters the Sunday papers all over the +place, I let him, and gently and painlessly remove +them after he has passed on.</p> + +<p>“I don’t really know anything about sports. I +wouldn’t recognize a home run if I met it on the +street, but when hubby wants to talk about baseball +I assume an intelligent expression. And I am never +too tired to play with my husband. I grab my hat +the minute he suggests the movies. I can get ready +to go anywhere in an hour. I just adjust my complexion—Martha +considers that a real vice—and +we are off.</p> + +<p>“Martha can’t understand why my husband very +rarely goes away from home of an evening and +almost never without me—while hers beats it to the +corner drug store as soon as he has eaten his superexcellent<span class="pagenum" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</span> +dinner. And I just can’t make her see +that it is because she puts her house before him. +She worships cleanliness and order, and sacrifices +everything to them. The first thing Martha knows, +she is going to lose her husband, and she will go +around wailing and weeping and telling how hard +she worked and what a good housekeeper she was. +She never will know that she literally drove him +away from her with a broom handle.</p> + +<p>“I told Martha the other day that if she would +spend less time polishing her mahogany and more +time polishing her finger nails and rubbing up her +mind, it would be better for her. But she just +smiled that superior smile that a model housekeeper +always bestows on the woman whom she suspects of +having dust on the back pantry shelf, and made a +dive for a basement sale of somebody’s patent +cleaning fluid.”</p> + +<p>Mary is right. Cleanliness and order are two of +the domestic virtues that may easily be converted +into vices. We all know spick and span houses that +are no more homes than a shiny tin box would be. +Nobody would dare disarrange a sofa cushion in +one of them. Nobody would have the courage to +move a chair from its appointed place. To track a +bit of mud on one of the shining floors would be a +high crime and misdemeanor. To leave anything +hanging around would be a sacrilege unspeakable.</p> + +<p>Husband and children flee these temples of order<span class="pagenum" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</span> +and cleanliness as they would a torture chamber. +And they live in dread and fear of the woman who +has worked herself cross and irritable attaining her +ideal of housewifery. Most of the real homes are +places not too bright and good for human nature’s +daily use. They are places where you can take +your ease; places run on a flexible schedule and only +reasonably clean and orderly.</p> + +<p>Doubtless, the old lady who laid down the maxim, +“Feed the brute,” as a rule for retaining a husband’s +affections said a wise mouthful to women. +But more is to be added, for man does not live by +bread alone, and it is just as important to feed his +soul as his stomach. Every woman who fails to give +her husband good, nourishing food fails as a wife, +but she fails even more if she does not give him companionship. +For, after all, there is a good restaurant +on every corner where a man can satisfy his +physical hunger, but none but his wife can minister +to his spiritual hunger. Foolish is the woman who +doesn’t realize this and who spends her time keeping +her house clean instead of making it a home.</p> + +<p>But that is the trouble with matrimony. A +woman can’t be either a Martha or a Mary. To +be a good wife she has got to be both.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXXII">XXXII<br> +<span class="fs70">THE T. B. M. AT HOME</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">A man</span> wants to know if I don’t think his +wife is very wrong and foolish to be hurt +and offended because he is often irritable +and cross at home. He says that she knows that +he adores her, and that he is a model of all the +standardized domestic virtues, but that he works all +day under a terrific strain, and by the time night +comes his nerves are worn to a frazzle. He thinks +that his wife should appreciate this, and that instead +of further rasping them with argumentation, she +should apply a soothing emolument to them.</p> + +<p>I agree with the gentleman that it is always the +part of prudence for a wife to give the soft answer +that turneth away wrath, instead of retorting with +a snappy comeback when her husband makes a nasty +crack at her. It certainly doesn’t add to the peace +and harmony of a home for a wife to be ready to +jump into her fighting clothes every time her husband +makes a pass at her. Nothing comes of family +rows but bitterness, and anger, and disillusion. Nor +does any love long survive them.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</span></p> + +<p>I also agree with the gentleman that any woman +who has cut her wisdom teeth on matrimony should +be able to assay her husband’s temper and tell how +much of it is due to raw nerves and how much to +pure cussedness, and so know when to spread the +salve and when to hand him a solar-plexus blow. +Furthermore, I opine that a wife who starts anything +with her husband at evening until after he is +fed and rested, and has had his smoke and his paper +unmolested, deserves to be put in the Home for the +Incurably Feeble-Minded for the balance of her natural +life or else bound over by the courts to keep +the peace. For she is either lacking in brains or +just loves a fight for the fight’s sake.</p> + +<p>It is the greatest possible pity that women haven’t +more sense of humor than they have, for if they did +they would be able to laugh at many things their +husbands do over which they shed scalding tears. It +would enable them to see how really funny it is for +a big man to get into a babyish tantrum over nothing +and how much easier it is to kid him out of it +than it is to make a scene over it. Unhappily, however, +few women have a funny bone, and fewer still +can see the joke when it is on them, and so husbands +and wives meet temper with temper and irritability +with irritability, and the domestic war goes merrily +on.</p> + +<p>The mistake that most wives make is in taking +their husbands too seriously. They have heard so<span class="pagenum" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</span> +much about the mighty masculine intellect that they +think their husbands are profound, thoughtful human +beings who mean every word they say and +whose every act is part of a deeply considered plan +of life. Whereas the truth is that men babble just +as meaninglessly as women do, and are the creatures +of impulse. Also, women are under the misapprehension +that they have a monopoly on nerves, and +that hysterics are the sole prerogative of the feminine +sex.</p> + +<p>These beliefs make women attach a significance to +the things that men say and do to which they are +not entitled; and it makes them “get their husbands +wrong” and break their hearts over crimes that the +poor, blundering men do not even know that they +are committing.</p> + +<p>In consequence whereof the wife’s feelings are in +a constant state of laceration, and she meets each +hard knock with a still harder one, or else goes off +and salts her wounds down in the brine of her tears.</p> + +<p>Now, no one will argue that a human cyclone is a +pleasant companion to live with, nor would any sane +woman pick out a man who is giving a life-like imitation +of the Day of Wrath with whom to spend her +evenings. But, all the same, women make themselves +unnecessarily miserable by taking their husbands’ +humors too seriously.</p> + +<p>The cruel speeches that stab the wife to the soul +are not prompted by malice toward her. They are<span class="pagenum" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</span> +the reaction of nerves that have been frazzled to the +breaking point by the worries of the day at the +office. The frozen silence which the wife finds it so +hard to endure is just sheer exhaustion of mind and +body, and the woman who can just take her husband’s +moods this way can not only save herself +many a tearfest, but can make her husband eat out +of her hand by feeding him and laughing at him and +jollying him along.</p> + +<p>Certainly, the woman who is married to a nervous, +overworked man might well do a little mental balancing +of accounts and check off a lot of temper, +and impatience, and unreason, and fault finding +against the finery he gives her, and the success he +has achieved, of which she is so proud and which he +has literally bought with his life’s blood. She might +well forgive his faults and deal leniently with them, +since they are the direct result of his struggle to +lap her in luxury.</p> + +<p>She is, believe me, a discerning and a tender wife +who answers her husband’s irascible speeches with a +pat on the head and a “there, there, it’s all right,” +as she would a sick and fretful child, instead of +going to the mat with him.</p> + +<p>So much for the wife’s side of the question. Now +for the husband’s.</p> + +<p>Business furnishes no alibi for surliness, and +grouchiness, and general disagreeableness. No man +has a right to come home at night and dump down<span class="pagenum" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</span> +on his own hearthstone all the nerves, and temper, +and irritability he has kept bottled up in him all day.</p> + +<p>Because a woman has the misfortune to be a man’s +wife is no reason he should insult her and say to her +things that he would not say to any other woman +who had an able-bodied brother, or that he would +not dream of saying to any woman who had $10 to +spend across his counter, or who was his client, or +his patient.</p> + +<p>If a man can control his temper and his tongue +in dealing with the outside world, he can control it +still at home. If he can be polite and courteous and +flattering to other women, he can make the same +gracious speeches to his wife, instead of growling +like a bear when she asks him a simple question. +And if he has any sense of honor, he will be the more +careful of what he says to his wife than he is to the +others, because his attitude means nothing to them, +but his wife’s whole happiness is dependent on the +way he treats her.</p> + +<p>Nor does the fact that he overworks excuse a +man’s irritability at home. Nine wives out of ten +would rather have a little more amiability from their +husbands and less money, if they had to choose between +the two. The beloved husbands and wives are +not those who work themselves into a state of nervous +irritability for their families. They are those +who keep themselves calm, and good natured, and +pleasant to live with.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</span></p> + +<p>To expect other people to overlook our temper +and forgive the cross and cruel speeches that we +flash out at them without provocation is demanding +too much of human nature.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXXIII">XXXIII<br> +<span class="fs70">DON’T BE AFRAID TO LET YOUR HUSBAND SEE +YOU LOVE HIM</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">A woman</span> asks this question: “Is it wise for +a wife who loves her husband devotedly to +let him see how dear he is to her? Does +the knowledge that her heart is his for keeps make +him undervalue it? Does she best keep his interest +in her alive by keeping him on the anxious seat? +After all, a husband is still a man, and we know that +before marriage the more difficult a woman is to win +the more a man chases her; and the more a woman +throws herself at a man’s head the more adroitly he +dodges her. So the question is, Does this same state +of affairs continue after marriage? Do men want +their wives to blow hot and cold, as they do their +sweethearts, or do they desire them to be a good, +steady, reliable fire on the hearthstone?”</p> + +<p>A man’s attitude toward love undergoes a complete +change on his wedding day. During his courtship, +the thing that has been of more importance to +him than anything else in the world has been the +state of mind of his lady love. It has been a wonderful,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</span> +sentimental adventure following all her moods +and tenses, and plumbing the depths of her emotions. +It has roused his sporting blood for her to +be coy and difficult. Taking her away from his +rivals was a game of fascinating intrigue, and he +thrilled with the sense of being a conquering hero +when she finally surrendered to him.</p> + +<p>But marriage is another pair of sleeves. It is a +different story altogether. A man marries to end +romance, not to have it to-be-continued-in-our-next +serial that will run on the balance of his life. +He wants to be done with doubts, and fears, and +heart burnings, and speculation about the woman +he loves, so that he will be free to give his undivided +attention to his business.</p> + +<p>Therefore the tactics that won a woman a husband +do not serve to hold him, and the wife who +tries to pique her husband’s interest in her by her +flirtations with other men is more apt to land in the +divorce court than to strengthen her position in the +domestic love nest. For men do not wish to be kept +guessing about their wives. They want to be sure +of them. The man who is married to a woman who +plays around with other men and who keeps him on +the ragged edge of nervous prostration with jealousies +and suspicions does not think that he has +drawn a capital prize in the matrimonial lottery. +On the contrary, he thinks that he has been gold-bricked, +and he is not crazy over his bargain.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</span></p> + +<p>No woman need be afraid to let her husband know +how much she loves him, because her love makes the +strongest claim she can possibly have upon him. +Many a man who has made an unsuitable marriage +with a woman with whom he had no real companionship; +many a man who has outgrown the woman +he married in his youth, is kept faithful to her by +the knowledge of her devotion to him. It takes a +brute to hurt the one who worships you, or to leave +the one whose whole life is bound up in you.</p> + +<p>Nor is there any charm of mind or person that +appeals to a man so much as just the certainty of +a wife’s love and the sure knowledge that if all the +world turned against him, there is one who would +still be standing shoulder to shoulder with him; some +one who would go down to the gates of death with +him, or wait outside of the prison gates for him; +some one whom neither disease nor poverty nor disgrace +would alienate from him. The coquettish +woman who thinks to keep her husband’s affection +for her at fever heat by keeping him uncertain of +her has no such hold upon her man as has the wife +whose husband’s heart doth safely trust in her, sure +that whatever else fails him in life, her love will +never fail.</p> + +<p>A wife need not be afraid to show her husband +her love, because men are just as heart hungry as +women are. They crave affection and appreciation<span class="pagenum" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</span> +just as much as women do, and they long just as +much as women do to be petted and fussed over.</p> + +<p>No complaint is more common from women than +that their husbands stop all love-making at the altar +with a suddenness that jars the very marrow of +their bones. They say that the men to whom they +are married never seem to think that they long to +be told that they are still loved and admired, and +that they have made good as wives. They yearn for +a kiss that is warm with passion, instead of a duty +peck on the cheek that has about as much flavor to +it as a cold batter cake.</p> + +<p>But, apparently, it never occurs to these wives +who are starving for some sign of real living affection +themselves that their husbands are also on the +bread line, mutely begging for a stray crumb of +love. They do not realize that a great big, husky, +successful man could want to be chucked under the +chin, and babied, and told that he was the most +booful thing on earth, and that his wifeikins got +down on her knees and thanked God every night +because she was lucky enough to get him, and that +every day, in every way, she loved him better and +better.</p> + +<p>Yet there isn’t a man in the world that wouldn’t +worship a wife who handed him that line of chatter, +and who wouldn’t walk mighty straight and reverently +before one who opened the doors of her heart +and let him see that he was enshrined therein. No.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</span> +No wife need be afraid of letting her husband know +how much she worships him. For it is love that +makes the world go round, and that greases the +wheels of matrimony.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXXIV">XXXIV<br> +<span class="fs70">QUEER THINGS ABOUT MARRIAGE</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Did</span> you ever think how many queer things +there are about marriage? To begin with, +isn’t it queer that we permit boys and girls +to get married at an age at which they are not permitted +to make any other binding contract? The +law appoints guardians to look after the property +of minors, and prevent them from squandering it, or +being cheated out of it by sharpers, but there is no +legal safeguard to save foolish girls and boys from +throwing away their life’s happiness on an ill-advised +marriage.</p> + +<p>At a time of life when we consider a lad’s judgment +too immature for him to make a thousand-dollar +investment, we assume that he is worldly wise +enough to pick out a life mate. At an age when we +think a girl’s taste too unformed and too hectic to +select her own clothes, we let her choose a husband.</p> + +<p>Isn’t the casual attitude we take toward matrimony +queer?</p> + +<p>Marriage is the most important act in our lives, +the thing that not only makes or mars us, but that +affects thousands of people yet to be. Compared<span class="pagenum" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</span> +with marriage, being born is a mere episode in our +careers, and dying a trivial incident. Yet there is +no other thing that we do to which we give as little +intelligent, serious thought.</p> + +<p>If we were going into a business partnership to +invest our entire fortune, we would think a long time +before we committed ourselves. We would consider +the proposition from every angle. We would look +into its weak spots and try to form an honest opinion +of its chances of success. And we would investigate +the past record of the man we were proposing +to go into business with, and find out everything +about him.</p> + +<p>We would ascertain what sort of a life he had led, +how honest and honorable he was, how much he was +to be trusted, and what sort of a disposition he had, +whether he was pleasant to get along with or not. +Yet the worst harm that our business partner could +do us would be to cheat us out of our money. He +couldn’t break our hearts and make our lives miserable. +If we didn’t like him, we could dissolve the +partnership without any trouble or disgrace.</p> + +<p>But nine times out of ten those who enter into the +marriage contract, which is the most binding contract +of all, do not take the trouble to make even +the slightest investigation about the one with whom +he or she is making a life partnership. Every day +we read of people who discover that they are married +to bigamists. Every day some husband stumbles<span class="pagenum" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</span> +into his wife’s skeleton closet, and finds that the +woman whom he believed pure and innocent has a +dark and sordid past. Every day some agonized +mother looks at her deformed or idiotic babe, and +sees that the sins of the father have been visited on +her child.</p> + +<p>The man was handsome, and he danced well, and +he had a dandy sport model car. The girl was +pretty, and she had a cute trick of looking up +through her lashes, or a baby stare, so they got +married without bothering to find out a single thing +about the kind of life each had led before they met. +They wouldn’t have bought a house without having +had an expert see that its title was clear and that +there was no mortgage on it, but they will marry +without finding out what sort of encumbrances are +on the lives of their husbands and wives. They +wouldn’t buy a horse or a dog without looking into +its pedigree and finding out what sort of stock it +comes from, and whether it is sound in wind and +limb, but they will pass diseased blood on to their +children with no thought of the sort of heredity +with which they are cursing them.</p> + +<p>Isn’t it queer that men and women fail to consider +the dispositions of those they marry? Yet +that is the thing that people have to live with, and +it is what makes marriage a success or a failure. +It isn’t high and noble principles; it isn’t truth and +honor and honesty that makes or mars a man’s or<span class="pagenum" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</span> +woman’s happiness in marriage. It is the temper +of their husbands or wives. A man may be a model +of all the virtues, and yet if he is stingy and grouchy +and gloomy, his wife will be miserable with him. A +woman may be as chaste as Cæsar’s wife, yet if she +nags, her husband will rue the day he led her to +the altar.</p> + +<p>All men and women know this, yet a girl will go +along and marry a man who even before marriage +gets the sulks over every little thing that goes +wrong, with whom she has to always walk on eggs +to avoid riling him, and who carries his small change +in a purse with a snap lock. And a man will marry +a thin, nervous, irritable girl, who is always getting +peeved about everything, and who never can say a +thing and let it rest. And they both wonder after +marriage why marriage is a failure, and why they +can’t get along together.</p> + +<p>Isn’t it queer that people don’t pick out the kind +of husbands and wives that they want, and that will +suit them?</p> + +<p>A man who is a student will marry a silly little +girl who hasn’t two ideas in her head to rub together. +In the days of courtship it was inevitable that he +should take the measure of her brainlessness and find +out that when he talked to her of books that he +spoke of an unexplored world to her, and that when +he discussed the things in which he was interested +she yawned in his face. Nor could he help perceiving<span class="pagenum" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</span> +that her chatter was the chatter of a magpie, +and the things in which she delighted were things +that bored him stiff.</p> + +<p>His common sense shrieked to him that marriage +between two people who had not one single idea, nor +an ideal, nor a thought, nor a desire, in common was +bound to be a failure. But the man, wise and sophisticated +in other things, but clinging blindly to his +superstitious belief in the potency of the marriage +ceremony, refused to heed the warning.</p> + +<p>Somehow, he was confident that just getting married +would change a silly, ignorant girl into an intellectual +woman who would be a fit companion to +him; miraculously render one who had never even +read a sixth best-seller familiar with the world’s +best literature, and make her prefer to discuss +world topics to gossip about the people next door.</p> + +<p>We wonder why poor men marry fashion-plates; +why men who love to eat, marry girls who loathe the +kitchen; why quiet, domestic men marry girls who +live to dance and go to cabarets. They are all poor, +blind heathen, trusting in the marriage ceremony to +make an extravagant girl economical, a frivolous +girl serious, an undomestic girl domestic.</p> + +<p>Isn’t it queer? Not only do we superstitiously +believe in the power of the marriage ceremony to +change other people, but we actually think it will +change ourselves.</p> + +<p>The philanderer believes that he will never cast a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</span> +roaming eye at another woman as soon as he is +married. The loafer believes that he will be filled +full of pep and energy by the mere fact of having +a wife to work for. The stingy, selfish man is confident +that he will enjoy spending money on his +family. The girl who has never thought of anything +but dolling herself up and having a good time +believes that as soon as she is married she won’t +care any more for fine clothes or going about, and +that she will be perfectly satisfied to stay at home +and save her husband’s money and cook him good +things to eat.</p> + +<p>But alas! the miracle of the marriage ceremony +no more works on us than it does on those we marry. +Long before the honeymoon has waned we make the +discovery that somehow the mysterious something +that was to change us didn’t take, and that we are +the same old individuals, with the same old tastes +and desires that we always had. Then to so many +comes the cold, bitter knowledge that they are tied +for life to one who is utterly uncongenial, to one +who bores them and gets upon their nerves. And, +queerest of all is it that no matter how unhappily +people have been married, when death or divorce sets +them free, they nearly all want to try matrimony +over again!</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXXV">XXXV<br> +<span class="fs70">HUSBANDS—THE LIVING CONUNDRUM</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">A woman</span> writes me that she has been married +to a man for sixteen years, yet she +has never got acquainted with him. She +says he is good and kind, but indifferent to her. He +never finds fault with her and never praises her. +He spends his evenings at home by his own fireside, +but a mummy would be just about as conversational. +All of this has got the woman guessing, and she +can’t figure out whether her husband still cares for +her or not, or whether he regards his marriage as +a success or a failure.</p> + +<p>Good gracious, sister, don’t imagine for an instant +that you have anything unique in the way of +a husband! All men are full of curious peculiarities, +and no woman ever gets acquainted with one, +no matter whether she has been married to him for +sixteen years or sixty. For, as an old colored friend +of mine says: “Husbands is the most undiscovered +nation of people there is.”</p> + +<p>No woman ever understands, for instance, why it +is that a man who was an ardent and impetuous<span class="pagenum" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</span> +wooer turns into a husband with about as much sentiment +and pep to him as a cold buckwheat cake, as +soon as the marriage ceremony is said over him. +Nor can she form any idea of why the man who was +willing to risk his life to get her takes so little +interest in her after he has got her. She cannot +doubt that he loved her, because he gave great and +indisputable proof of that by assuming her support +for life. Nor can she see any reason for his change +of attitude. She still carries the same line of bait +with which she caught him. She still has the same +eyes that he likened to violets drenched in dew, but +he doesn’t notice them. She still has the same white +hands that he used to hold by the hour, but if she +wants anybody to hold them now she has to hunt up +some man to whom she is not married. No woman +can ever understand why a man doesn’t put forth +the same effort to make his home a going concern +as he does to make his business or profession a +success.</p> + +<p>If every man tried to sell himself to his wife as +he does to his employer, or a big customer, or a valuable +client, there would be no disgruntled, dissatisfied +married women in the world. If every man +studied his wife’s peculiarities of disposition; if he +played on her weaknesses as deftly and handled her +as tactfully as he does a merchant who is about to +place a big order, or a rich patient, every wife in +the land would be eating out of her husband’s hand.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</span> +If every man paid his wife a fair wage for her services, +as he does his stenographers and clerks, it +would take the heaviest curse off matrimony for +millions of wives.</p> + +<p>But, altho to have a contented wife and a peaceful +and happy home means more to a man than to +make a million dollars, not one man in a hundred +ever gives any real serious thought or makes any +honest effort to make his marriage a success. He +leaves the most important thing in his life to chance, +and he wins out or loses, according to whether fortune +is with him or not. Women never can understand +why their husbands refuse to handle them +diplomatically, when it would be money in their +pockets to use the velvet glove instead of the strong-arm +method.</p> + +<p>Every man knows that he can jolly his wife into +doing anything, and doing without anything. He +knows that if he hands her a few cheap compliments +about what a wonderful manager she is and how she +helps him, she will squeeze every nickel. Every man +knows that if he tells his wife how beautiful and +lovely she looks in her last year’s dress, she wouldn’t +trade it off for the latest Paris importation. Every +man knows that he can kiss his wife’s eyes shut until +she will be blind as a bat, and that he has only to +give her a warm smack on the lips to make her dumb +as an oyster.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</span></p> + +<p>And every wife knows that her husband knows +these things about her, because she has furnished +him with a complete diagram about how to work +her. And she never knows whether to be mad at +him or disgusted with him, because he would rather +fight with her and pay for it in having to eat bad +meals, and having his money wasted and buy her +new frocks and limousines and pearls, than to take +the trouble to flatter her a little and treat her the +way she is begging to be treated.</p> + +<p>Most of all, women never can understand why +their husbands are so stingy with words, which +surely are among the cheapest commodities on +earth. Above everything else, every wife yearns for +words of love, for words of praise from her husband. +Just to have her husband pet her, to have +him say to her that she grows dearer and dearer to +him every day, and that he thanks God for giving +her to him, pays any woman for all the sacrifice, all +the work, all the suffering that marriage brings her. +It makes her heart sing with joy, and the lack of +it fills her life with tears of despair.</p> + +<p>Every man knows this. Every man knows that +he can make his wife happy with just a few words, +and yet he withholds them. Even the men who +really love their wives and appreciate all that their +wives do for them refuse to give the starving souls +the words that would be the bread of life to them.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</span> +No. No wife ever gets acquainted with her husband. +Husbands always keep us guessing to the +end of the chapter. Perhaps that is why we all +want one of these living conundrums.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXXVI">XXXVI<br> +<span class="fs70">THE POWER OF SUGGESTION</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Among</span> my acquaintances is a woman who has +a pretty little flapper daughter. The girl is +a good little girl, as playful and innocent as +a kitten. But she bobs her hair, and paints her +face, and rouges her lips, and likes to jazz, and joy-ride, +and have a good time just as thousands of +other girls of her age and class are doing. All +this greatly outrages the mother, who tells her +daughter that, in her day, decent girls didn’t paint +their faces, or shimmy, and that they stayed at +home evenings and read good books, instead of running +around with japanned-haired boys. And then +she winds up her preachment by accusing her daughter +of doing things which she does not do, and +prophesying that she will come to a bad end. Of +course, it is mother love and mother anxiety that +makes this woman keep continually before the girl’s +eyes the fate of those who follow the road of +pleasure. It never enters her head that she may +be precipitating on her child the catastrophe she +dreads, but that is precisely what she is doing.</p> + +<p>She is making the girl feel that she is sophisticated<span class="pagenum" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</span> +and worldly-wise—one of the wild, wild women. +She is giving the flavor of forbidden fruit to what +would otherwise be harmless little amusements. She +is making the girl reckless, because she is making +her believe that she is under suspicion and is being +talked about. Worst of all, she is firmly implanting +in the girl’s mind the idea that she is expected to +go wrong.</p> + +<p>And if anything in the world will put the skids +under a girl, it is for her own mother to be continually +impressing upon her that she is a wrong ’un.</p> + +<p>When you observe the dealings of parents with +their children the thing at which you wonder most +is that fathers and mothers never seem to realize the +power of suggestion. Yet it is one of the most +potent forces in the world, and one that can be +directed with almost uncanny results to the molding +and shaping of the characters of the young. It is +hardly too much to say that as the parents think, +so are the children. It is the fixed idea the parents +stamp indelibly on the plastic childish mind which +determines the fate in life of the man or woman.</p> + +<p>You can, for instance, take a delicate child and +literally “think” it into health or sickness. If the +mother keeps the child forever reminded it can’t do +what other children do because of its poor heart, it +can’t eat this or that because of its bad digestion, +and that it mustn’t be crossed because it is so nervous,—that +child will grow up into a neurotic invalid.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</span> +But if the mother impresses on it the thought that +it is getting well, and is going to be strong and +healthy, unless there is something radically organically +wrong, it will overcome the weakness with +which it was seemingly threatened.</p> + +<p>All of us have seen people actually bring upon +themselves diseases they believed they had inherited. +They had had it impressed on them from their infancy +that they were bound to die of consumption +because all the Smiths had tuberculosis. Or, that +they were doomed to perish with cancer, because +cancer was in the Jones family. Or, to have rheumatism +because the Simkins were all rheumatic, and +they died of what they believed to be inherited diseases +that science has proved not to be inheritable.</p> + +<p>It is tragic to think how many parents have killed +the children they loved by putting the death thought +upon them, and by making them believe that they +were doomed, and that there was no use in their +trying to be strong and well. It is still more tragic +to think of the millions of people who are failures +in the world because their fathers and mothers have +sapped their courage, and slain their initiative by +implanting in their minds the conviction that they +were dolts and had not the ability to succeed.</p> + +<p>Once establish the inferiority complex in a child’s +mind, and it is done for. It accepts the belief that +it has no ability to do things, and it attempts nothing. +It makes no struggle to rise. It slumps into<span class="pagenum" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</span> +the humble position its parents have assigned it. +This is why perpetual fault-finding with a child +intensifies its faults. To nag Johnny continually +about his awkwardness, makes him still more awkward. +To be forever calling attention to Tom’s +shyness, makes him shrink more and more out of +sight. To fret at Bob’s dulness, makes him feel that +there is no hope for a boy who isn’t quick and alert. +Many men never have the courage to demand their +just deserts and take the place to which they are +entitled in business and society because they were +made self-conscious in their childhood. They had +it so impressed on their minds that they were blundering +louts, and stupid fools, that they shrank +within themselves, and never had the nerve to push +their fortunes.</p> + +<p>And just as you can make a child a failure by +holding the thought of its inferiority before it, you +can do much to make it a success by holding the +thought of achievement before it. We unconsciously +strive to be what the people about us expect of us. +If Jimmie knows that he has a reputation for beautiful +manners, he will act as a gentleman. If Tom +knows you expect him to make a mark at school or +in business, he will try to make good. If Mary +knows you do not think it possible for her to be anything +but sweet and innocent, she is not likely to +tarnish your ideal.</p> + +<p>The power of suggestion is so far reaching in its<span class="pagenum" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</span> +influence that fathers and mothers should be careful +how they use it, and avoid implanting a weak +thought, an evil thought, a thought of failure in +their children’s minds as they would avoid giving +them poison.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXXVII">XXXVII<br> +<span class="fs70">WOMAN’S MISSIONARY OPPORTUNITY</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">As</span> a sex women are highly altruistic. There +is scarcely a movement in the world for the +uplift of humanity or for ameliorating the +sorrows of the poor and helpless that does not owe +its existence to women. It is women who support +the orphan asylums, the homes for old men and +women, the reformatories, the houses for the blind, +the places of refuge where the man just out of +prison can go and gather himself together before +starting out on a better life. It is women who nurse +in hospitals, and who carry on mainly the work of +the Red Cross and the fight against the great White +Plague. Joan of Arc is the great feminine heroine. +The women that other women envy most are not the +great beauties and sirens of history, or the famous +actors and writers, but the Florence Nightingales +and Frances Willards who have been able to do +some great service to their fellow creatures. And +deep down in her secret heart, if every woman was +granted her one great wish, it would be to be able +to help her day and generation to make others happier,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</span> +and to perform some miracle that would make +life easier for all who come after her.</p> + +<p>Well, little as she realizes it, that power is possessed +by every woman who has children. In her +hands lies the remedy for the greatest sorrow that +tears at the hearts of men and women. She can +wipe away half of the tears of the world. She has +the magic that can change innumerable lives from +misery to joy. For the greatest trouble in the +world is domestic trouble. The bitterest disappointment +is a marriage that is a failure. There +is no place of torment so hard to endure as a home +of bickering and strife. No enemy can stab you +to the heart as does a cold, selfish, unkind husband +or wife.</p> + +<p>It lies within the power of mothers to put an end +to all this misery, to stop divorce and the breaking +up of homes, and the orphaning of helpless little +children. It is in their power to provide every man +and woman with a good husband and wife, to make +every home a prosperous and peaceful one, and to +save other mothers from the agony of seeing their +children mistreated by the men and women to whom +they are married. There is no more appalling +thought than that every woman could raise her +children up to be good husbands and wives, and +that she does not do it. On the contrary, nine times +out of ten she brings up her sons and daughters to +be exactly the kind of husbands and wives from<span class="pagenum" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</span> +whom she prays God on her knees to deliver her +own precious darlings.</p> + +<p>Most likely the woman is herself the victim of +another woman’s cruelty. Her own marriage has +been wretched because her husband’s mother never +taught him to treat women with any courtesy, or +consideration, or chivalry. He was never brought +up to consider a woman’s feelings, or even to extend +to her common justice. As a result, his wife has +had to walk on eggs to keep from rousing a demoniacal +temper. She has had to wait on him hand +and foot. She has had to wheedle every penny out +of him, and never since her wedding day has her husband +made one move to entertain or amuse her, or +done anything to make her happy.</p> + +<p>It would seem that a woman who had been through +the arid desert of such a marriage would save some +other poor girl from such a fate by raising up her +son to be a good husband. You would think that +she would teach him what a terrible crime it is to +take a woman’s life into his hands and break it; +that she would teach him to be gentle and tender +to his wife; that she would impress upon him that +a woman earns her share of the family income, and +that it should be given to her outright instead of +being doled out as alms.</p> + +<p>You would think that she would ground him, from +his infancy up, in the knowledge of all the little +things that make a marriage a failure or a success<span class="pagenum" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</span> +to a woman—the little attentions, the little treats, +the word of praise, the compliment on a new dress +or hat, the little things that make a woman’s heart +sing with joy, and that makes marriage worth while +to her. The great majority of women, however, +never even so much as think of training their sons +to be good husbands. Nor do they train their +daughters to be good wives. Very few mothers +would be willing to see their sons marry the kind +of girls their daughters are.</p> + +<p>Mother has raised her daughters up to be selfish +and spoiled and lazy and extravagant, and she is +ready to foist them without mercy on any poor +young fellows who are taken with their pretty faces. +But Heaven defend her own boys from marrying +girls who have never considered any other human +being in the world but themselves, and whose only +law is their own pleasure! You even hear mothers +boast that they have never taught their daughters +how to cook, or sew, or keep house, yet the very +foundation of domestic happiness and the prosperity +of the family depend upon the wife being a +thrifty manager and making a comfortable home.</p> + +<p>Nor do women instil into their daughters’ minds +the truth about marriage—that it is an obligation +that they take upon themselves, and that they have +no right to throw it up and quit because it is full +of hardships and self-sacrifice instead of being the +joy-ride they thought it would be. Neither do mothers<span class="pagenum" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</span> +pass on to their daughters their own hardly +won knowledge of how to get along with a husband, +how to bear with him and forbear, how to jolly him +and handle him with tact and diplomacy, yet that +precious bit of information would save many a marriage. +Believe me that the most important question +that any mother can ask herself is this: “Am I raising +up my son and daughter to bless or curse the +woman and man who marry them?”</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXXVIII">XXXVIII<br> +<span class="fs70">HOW TO BE A GOOD HUSBAND</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">A young</span> man said to me the other day: “I +am going to be married, and I earnestly +and honestly desire to make my wife happy, +but beyond a vague and rudimentary impression +that I must not beat or starve her, I haven’t an +idea of how to go about the good-husband job. +What should a man do to keep a woman blessing +her lucky stars that she married him, instead of +wondering what on earth the fool-killer was doing +that she survived her wedding day?”</p> + +<p>“Well, son,” I replied, “your theoretical ground +work for being a good husband is a sound foundation +on which to build, tho refraining from beating +your wife is not the matter of course thing +that you seem to think it is. There will be plenty +of times when you will want to do so, and bitterly +regret that no perfect gentleman can lay his hands +upon a woman save in the way of kindness, no matter +how much she needs a thrashing or he yearns to +give her one.</p> + +<p>“While as for giving a wife sustenance and raiment,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</span> +believe me, that to be a good provider is one +of the brightest jewels in the crown of a good husband. +No matter what other charms and virtues a +man may have, he is a poor makeshift of a husband +if he cannot give his wife a comfortable living. And, +on the other hand, no man is a total failure as a +husband if he laps his wife in luxuries. Jewels, and +motorcars, and fine houses, and fine clothes are a +consolation prize that takes the curse off many a +woman’s disappointment in marriage.</p> + +<p>“Having, then, accorded your wife considerate +treatment and given her a good home, the next +step in being a good husband is to play fair with +her on the money question. Get off on the right +foot there and you will save yourself endless bickerings +and prevent her from feeling a bitterness +toward you that will grow and grow until it will +kill out all of her affection for you. The first disillusion +that many a bride gets is when she finds out +that the prince of her dreams is a tightwad, who +haggles with her over the market money and who +is so stingy that he never gives her a penny of her +own. There isn’t a woman in the world who is +enough of a worm of the dust not to resent having +to ask her husband for the money she knows she +earns as a housewife. So go fifty-fifty with your +wife on the money proposition. Give her as big an +allowance as you can afford and be decent enough +not to ask her what she does with it.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</span></p> + +<p>“The next item in being a good husband is to be +affectionate to your wife. Don’t expect her to take +it for granted that you still love her because you +haven’t applied for a divorce from her. You handed +her a fine and convincing line of love talk while you +were courting her, and there is no excuse for your +cutting it off and becoming as dumb as an oyster +just as soon as you’ve got her. No normal woman +can live without love and be happy. It is just as +necessary to her well-being as food and drink, and +if she is deprived of it she suffers all of the agonies +of soul starvation, which are worse than those of the +body. When you marry a woman you isolate her +from the love-making of other men, and so you are +in honor bound to provide her with an ample supply +of soft talk yourself.</p> + +<p>“Therefore, make it a rule of your life to give +your wife at least one kiss every day that has in it +some thrill of love and passion, and that isn’t flavored +with ham and eggs like the perfunctory peck +on the cheek or the back of the ear which is all +most men hand their wives in the osculation line. +And, for heaven’s sake, don’t neglect to pay your +wife compliments. When she has on a new dress tell +her how pretty she looks and how becoming it is, +instead of grunting or demanding to know how much +it costs. If you have eyes enough to see other +women’s pretty clothes and intelligence enough to +say the right things about them, why not about your<span class="pagenum" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</span> +wife’s, when it will please her to death and make +her think what a wonderful man she has married?</p> + +<p>“The next point in being a good husband consists +in doing something actively to make your wife happy +and showing a human interest in her. Many men +think they have done their whole duty as husbands +when they furnish their wives with food and shelter +and plenty of money. I have heard men excuse +themselves for never remembering an anniversary or +giving their wives a little present by saying that +they didn’t know what Mary or Sally wanted, and +that they had charge accounts at the best jewelers +and department stores and could buy themselves +whatever they wanted.</p> + +<p>“That kind of thing doesn’t make a woman +happy. There isn’t a wife in the world who +wouldn’t get more thrill out of a dollar string of +blue beads that her husband bought because they +matched her eyes than she would out of a pearl +necklace that she bought herself on her wedding +anniversary because her husband had forgotten +they were ever married. It is the personal touch +that counts with women. The sentiment. The +knowledge that her husband is concerned about her, +that he notices when she is tired, that he appreciates +all that she does, that he tries to make her +happy and wants to give her every pleasure that +he can.</p> + +<p>“If you want to be a good husband, son, remember<span class="pagenum" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</span> +to do the little things, and the big things will +do themselves. Be affectionate, be kind, be appreciative, +jolly her instead of finding fault with her. +Be liberal in the use of flattery and take her to some +place of amusement at least once a week, and she +will thank God on her knees for having given you to +her for a husband.”</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXXIX">XXXIX<br> +<span class="fs70">GIVING CHILDREN ADVANTAGES</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Among</span> my acquaintances is a woman who is +always bemoaning the fact that she cannot +give her children “advantages.” She sheds +barrels of tears over their not having the “advantages” +that the children of the rich have. She beats +upon her breast and laments that she cannot send +her boys to college, and give them high-powered +motorcars, and when she thinks of not being able +to dress her daughters like fashion plates and send +them off to summer and winter resorts, she melts +down into a perfect pulp of self-pity. After listening +to this wail for a number of years, I grew exasperated, +and said to her:</p> + +<p>“What are the advantages that you cannot give +your children? Let us sit down and consider them +dispassionately, and see if your children really are +so unfortunate, and so handicapped in life as you +think they are. Let us begin with your not being +able to send your boys off to college. I grant you +that we would all like to give our children every +possible opportunity to acquire a good education. +But not all knowledge comes put up in school-book<span class="pagenum" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</span> +packages. Furthermore, the degree a man takes +who graduates from the University of Hard Knocks +has a lot of practical, available information, and a +working knowledge of life that is worth a bushel of +M.A.’s and Ph.D.’s, and that it will take the college +graduate ten or fifteen years to acquire. Many of +the best-informed, best-read men that I know never +saw the inside of a college. In these days of cheap +books, and magazines, and newspapers, if a man +wants an education he will get it.</p> + +<p>“Nor is the lack of a college education any bar +to success. The men who are running things in +America to-day spent their formative years, from +18 to 24, in learning about mines, and railroads, +and stores, and banking, instead of being grounded +in Greek and Latin. And they are hiring college +graduates to work for them. Moreover, while you +can lead a boy to the Pierian spring, you cannot +make him drink from it, and you know well enough +that the great majority of boys who are sent off to +college idle away their time, and come back with +nothing but a college yell, the latest thing in Klassy +Kut Kollege Klothes, and a maddening air of superiority. +So comfort yourself with the knowledge +that if your son has it in him to take an education +he will get it. If he yearns for culture he will +acquire it, but if he is just a boy who has good +hard horse sense, and is not intellectual, the sooner +he gets to work after his high-school days the better<span class="pagenum" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</span> +for him. Of course, mother-like, you want your +children to have everything that multimillionaires +have, but in your heart you must know that money +is a curse to a boy instead of a blessing. To begin +with, wealth paralyzes ambition. We are all poor, +weak creatures who take the line of least resistance, +and when we don’t have to do things we become +slackers. We have to have necessity to spur us on +to achievement.</p> + +<p>“Call over the roll of the rich men of to-day, of +the men who sit in high places, from the President +down, of the men who are famous inventors, and +writers, and artists. They were almost all poor +boys. There is scarcely the name of a millionaire’s +son in the whole list. And riches lead a boy into +temptation from which the poor boy is safe. The +boy who has to work for his daily bread has his mind +and his hands occupied. He has something interesting +and exciting always to do. The idle rich boy +must make his own diversions, and find some way of +killing time, and he does it only too often by the +booze and the gambling route, and in the company +of wild women. For adventuresses and grafters +fasten themselves like leeches on the man with a fat +pocketbook. There is nothing like lacking the price +as a first aid to virtue.</p> + +<p>“As for not being able to give your girls advantages, +do you really think it is any advantage to a +girl to be brought up to be nothing but a fashion<span class="pagenum" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</span> +plate, to have no duties and responsibilities, to have +no object in life except amusing herself and to be +taught merely to be a waster and a spender? Do +you think that the woman who has a dozen homes +in this country and Europe, between which she vibrates +with no more local attachments than a transient +guest has in a hotel, gets the pleasure out of +them that the woman does out of her little bungalow, +whose every plank has been paid for by some sacrifice +and where every chair and plate is the result of +weeks of saving and planning? Do you think the +girl who buys herself a European title is as happy +with the <i lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">roué</i> husband she has purchased as the girl +who marries some clean, honest young chap she loves +and works up with him to prosperity? Do you think +that the woman who bears children and then turns +them over to nurses and governesses gets the benediction +out of motherhood that the woman does who +cradles her children on her breast and rears them +up at her knee?</p> + +<p>“You lament that you cannot give your daughters +the chance to make fine marriages. Why, the working +girl has ten times as good chance to make a good +marriage as the society girl has, because she is +thrown with more men. She works side by side with +the go-getters and the coming men, and she has the +pick of them all. So,” I said to my lachrymose +friend, “stop whining because you aren’t rich and +can’t give your children ‘advantages.’ You are giving<span class="pagenum" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</span> +them the necessity of standing on their own feet +and fighting their own battles, of developing all that +is best in them, and that is the greatest advantage +that you could possibly give them.”</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XL">XL<br> +<span class="fs70">SELL YOURSELF TO YOUR CHILDREN</span></h2> +</div> + + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Did</span> you ever contemplate trying to “sell” +your children, as the advertising experts +say, the things you wish them to be and +do? Did you ever try selling them yourself? Of +course, the old idea is that the proper way to rear +children is by forcing on them a system of do’s and +don’ts. We tell our children that they must do this, +and they mustn’t do that. We try to coerce them +along the straight and narrow road because that +is the proper path for them to travel, but we never +take the trouble to artfully entice them into it and +make them think that they have chosen it of their +own free wills.</p> + +<p>We want our children to love us, to admire us, to +consider us their best friends; but we expect them +to do this because we believe it the duty of children +to honor their parents. Not ten fathers and mothers +in a thousand ever deliberately try to make +themselves attractive to their children or win their +confidence. Perhaps this is why there are so many +boys and girls hurtling down the broad highway to +destruction; why parental influence amounts to so<span class="pagenum" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</span> +little, and why the average child feels that it has +less in common with its own father and mother than +it has with any other man and woman it knows.</p> + +<p>We have just begun to realize that propaganda +is one of the greatest and most insidious forces on +earth. We have seen it lift men up to the skies and +make gods of them, then turn and pull them down, +and trample them into the dust. We have seen it +exalt a nation into sainthood and turn it into a +howling mob, crying for blood. And if it can thus +sway and move grown-up people, what a weapon it +is to use upon the plastic mind of a child! This +being the case, why should we not “sell” our children +the ideals we wish them to have? Why should we +not feed them on the right propaganda from their +cradle up? Why should we not advertise the good +things of life until we make them so alluring that +the child will want them?</p> + +<p>Why should we not sell righteousness to our children? +It is one thing to preach and nag at them +about drink, and gambling, and associating with +bad men and women until you bore them to tears +and make them wonder what is the fascination of the +evil that they are so warned against. And it is +another thing to make clean living the symbol of +health, and strength, and length of days; the respect +of one’s fellow men and, above all, the thing that sets +one right with one’s own soul.</p> + +<p>Why not sell our children education? We scourge<span class="pagenum" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</span> +them to school, which most of them regard as a +place of penance, and where, dull and bored, they +sit in stolid indifference, while the dull and bored +teachers go through the perfunctory routine of +hearing them recite lessons in which they do not +pretend to take the slightest interest. But suppose +we could really sell these children the idea of education? +Suppose we could get them as interested in +history as they are in stories of adventure? Suppose +we could make them see that spelling and arithmetic +are not tasks; that they are the tools with +which they will work when they get their first jobs +as stenographers and bookkeepers, and that the +better they spell and the quicker they are at figures +the bigger their pay envelopes will be! Suppose we +could make them see that knowledge is power, and +that whether they stay at the foot of the ladder or +climb to the top is going to depend on how well +their brains are trained! Why, if we could make +children see the advantages of an education we would +not have to force them to go to school. They would +be eager and anxious to go.</p> + +<p>Suppose we sold our children good manners. We +are always correcting Johnny at the table about the +way he eats, and he is so used to our don’ts about +walking in front of people and keeping his hat on +that he has long since ceased to listen when we speak. +But suppose, from his earliest infancy, Johnny had +heard boors ridiculed, and knife swallowers, and cup<span class="pagenum" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</span> +cuddlers, and audible soup-eaters held up to scorn +as figures of fun. Do you not know that Johnny +would as soon think of committing murder as one of +these offenses? And suppose Johnny has had it impressed +on him by precept and example that good +manners are a letter of credit that is honored the +world over; that they will take you farther than +anything else on earth. Don’t you know that +Johnny would be incapable of loutishness, because +good manners had simply been bred into him?</p> + +<p>Why should we not sell our children industry and +thrift? Propaganda again. You can make work +the most thrilling of all games. You can make a +child feel that his job is of great importance. You +can form in childhood an unbreakable habit of industry. +You can teach the child how to deny itself +little things in order to save the money for big +things. You can make it feel the independence of +having its own little bank account. You can set a +goal before it and light the fires of ambition in its +soul.</p> + +<p>Finally, why not sell yourself to your children? +Why not make as much effort to ingratiate yourself +with your children as you would with a stranger? +Why not try to impress your children with your +ability, your wisdom, your up-to-dateness, as you +would any man or woman with whom you are trying +to do business? If parents could only convince their +children that they are not back-numbers and incarnate<span class="pagenum" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</span> +killjoys it would do more than any other +one thing to improve the family relationship. Believe +me, it pays to advertise—especially with your +children.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XLI">XLI<br> +<span class="fs70">TAKING HUSBANDS “AS IS”</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">I wish</span> that I could make every young girl who +gets married a present of a handsomely framed +motto to hang on the wall above the mirror of +her dressing table, where she would be compelled to +see it every time she put on or took off her complexion, +or repaired the Cupid’s bow of her lips. On +this motto in gorgeously illumined letters would be +these sapient words of Grover Cleveland: “It is a +condition and not a theory that confronts you.” I +can think of no other advice in the world that would +be such a lamp to guide the feet of any young +woman who is starting to blunder down the rough +road of matrimony, as this cold, hard, unimaginative +assertion of a simple fact. It brushes away +with one gesture of common sense all the dreams and +romances and fairy tales of courtship, and leaves a +woman facing the reality of matrimony, which is +never as she thought it would be. It just is as it is.</p> + +<p>If women would only abandon their theories about +what matrimony should be, and how husbands should +act, and deal with them as they are, it would save +floods of tears, innumerable broken hearts, hundreds<span class="pagenum" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</span> +of cases of nervous prostration, and put the +divorce courts out of business. Furthermore, that +women are mostly right in their contentions, and +have logic and justice on their side, doesn’t alter +this aspect of the situation at all. For instance, +woman’s perpetual grievance against her husband is +his indifference. She wails out that he inveigled her +into matrimony under false pretenses because from +the ardor with which he wooed her, he led her to +believe and expect that he would be an eternal lover +and would spend a large part of his time telling her +how beautiful and wonderful she was, and how he +adored her. Instead of making good on this antenuptial +propaganda, however, he stopped all of his +love-making at the altar with a suddenness that +jarred her wisdom teeth loose, and in place of being +a ladylove, she finds herself merely a household +convenience.</p> + +<p>Millions of women make themselves miserable because +their husbands never make love to them, never +pay them a compliment, never give them any sign +of appreciation, never take them to any place of +amusement, never give any indication that they still +care for them and want them to be happy. These +suffering sisters could save themselves nearly all of +their woe if they would just throw their rosy dreams +of how a husband should treat a wife into the discard, +and accept the truth that very few men are +sentimentalists. Most of them feel like fools when<span class="pagenum" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</span> +they are love-making, and so they get the ordeal over +with as quickly as possible. They consider that +when a man marries a woman, and undertakes her +board bill and shopping ticket, that he has given a +proof of devotion strong enough to draw money on +at the bank, and there is no use in saying anything +more about it. Also they feel that the fact that +they selected the women they did for wives showed +that they admired them above all other women, so +why harp on that string? And, of course, they want +their wives to be happy. What else do they toil for +except to doll their wives up, and give them cars and +houses and trips to Palm Beach?</p> + +<p>So the wife may be very happy and contented +who has philosophy enough to take her husband as +he is, good, kind and generous, even if he is a +dumb lover, apparently more interested in his business +than he is in her. She realizes that he says it +with checks instead of with flowery phrases, and +that if she is starved emotionally she is sure of her +daily roast beef and potatoes. Then there is the +matter of adjustment between a man and a woman. +Every bride dreams an impossible dream of a husband +who is chilled steel to all the balance of the +world, but putty in her hands. Experience blows +this fair dream to the ends of the earth, and she finds +that she can no more alter her husband’s habits and +prejudices than she can the laws of the Medes and +the Persians. He has his ways, and she can either<span class="pagenum" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</span> +give in to them or fight over them. He has his set +opinions, and she can sidestep them or fight with +him about them.</p> + +<p>She can either use tact and diplomacy in handling +him, or else be in a perpetual quarrel with him, and +she protests that this isn’t fair or just. She says +that it is as much his place to give in to her as it is +hers to give in to him. That it is just as much his +business to deal subtly with her, as it is her business +to deal subtly with him. Of course, the woman is +right, but being right doesn’t help her a bit in getting +along with her husband. It is a condition and +not a theory that confronts her. If any harmonious +relations exist between her and her husband, she has +to furnish the harmony. If there is any adapting, +it is the wife who must do the adapting.</p> + +<p>Women likewise complain that it is unjust that +they should have to do practically all of the work +of making a happy home. They say that it is just +as much a man’s business to be a little ray of sunshine +in the home as it is a woman’s; that it is just +as much up to a husband to wear the smile that +won’t come off as it is the wife’s. They say that +there is no more reason why they should read up on +subjects that interest their husbands, so as to be +able to hand out a good line of conversation, than +why their husbands shouldn’t read up on fashion +journals so as to be able to discuss intelligently with +them the length of skirts and the latest hair bob.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</span> +True. But again it is the condition and not the +theory of matrimony that confronts them, and unless +the wife makes the happy home it isn’t made. +It is when women forget what matrimony should be, +and deal with it as it is, that they make a success +of it.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XLII">XLII<br> +<span class="fs70">BEING A GOOD WIFE</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">“I want</span> to be a good wife, the kind of a wife +like that lady in the Bible whose price was +above rubies,” said a little bride to me the +other day. “What shall I do to be a real helpmeet +to my husband?”</p> + +<p>“Well, my dear,” I replied, “there are three general +counts on which every wife must make good in +order to help her husband, and then the job becomes +the work of an expert, and varies according to the +temperament of the man. To begin with, every +woman who is an asset instead of a total loss to her +husband, must make him a comfortable home and +feed him properly. When a man marries, he practically +turns over his stomach and his nerves and +his brains to his wife’s care, and she can keep him +at the peak of efficiency by giving him a quiet, restful +place to come to at night, and a good dinner to eat, +or she can sabotage the whole works by throwing in +quarrels and heavy biscuit and tough meat.</p> + +<p>“There is practically no limit to the amount of +work a man can do whose wife takes care of him, +and who has a happy home life. The men who break<span class="pagenum" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</span> +down with nervous prostration are the men who, +after the struggle and anxiety and worries of a +business day, go home to strife and wrangles and +recriminations and nagging and to food that would +kill an ostrich. No nerves and no digestion will +stand it. A breakfast of flabby cakes and muddy +coffee, that make him take a dyspeptic and despairing +view of things, and see the world through blue +spectacles, has made many a man turn down a good +proposition that would have carried him on to fame +and fortune. A spat with his wife that left his +nerves on edge, and his soul filled with bitterness, +has made many a man quarrel with his partner and +insult his best client or customer.</p> + +<p>“So, my dear, if you want to help your husband +succeed, you must begin by making him a home +wherein his tired body and frazzled nerves may +refresh themselves, so that he may go forth with new +strength to battle with the world. You must make +him happy, for there is nothing that happy people +may not achieve. The next item is to keep on cutting +bait. Don’t deceive yourself into thinking that +because you have captured your man he will stay +captive. It is a job that has to be done over again +every morning.</p> + +<p>“You know the arts and wiles with which you +lured him into matrimony. You recall the pretty +dresses you wore, the glad, sweet smile with which +you met him. The pleasure you showed you took in<span class="pagenum" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</span> +his society. A man doesn’t put on blinders when he +gets married. He still has an eye out for a pretty +woman in a gay frock, and he likes to feel that his +wife still cares enough for him to want to make +herself attractive to him and that his coming home +is the big event of the day to her.</p> + +<p>“Item three in being a good wife is to be a loving +wife. Women are always talking about being heart-hungry +and seem to think that it is an exclusively +feminine complaint, but there are just as many men +starving for affection as there are women. Don’t +expect your husband to take it for granted that +you still love him because you haven’t applied for +a divorce. Tell him so. Give him a kiss now and +then that isn’t just a peck on the cheek. But love +with discretion. Don’t smother your husband with +affection. Don’t surfeit him on it. Keep your love +as a sweetener for matrimony. Don’t make it the +whole diet. Remember that the most-loved husband +in the world said: ‘Feed me with apples, stay me with +flagons, for I am SICK of love.’</p> + +<p>“The fourth item in being a good wife is not to +expect the impossible of your husband. Don’t demand +that he be a demigod. Accept him as a poor, +faulty human being, even as you are. Don’t have +hysterics every time he topples off of the pedestal +on which you have placed him. Help him up, dust +him off and give him a seat beside you. Humor him +in his funny little ways. Sidestep his little prejudices.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</span> +Don’t argue with him when your opinions +clash. Laugh at his blunders and sympathize with +him when he makes mistakes, and he will make you +his confidant and tell you the truth, which is the +finest tribute that any man ever pays his wife.</p> + +<p>“Item five in being a good wife is to be appreciative. +When the average man gets married he sells +himself into bondage to his family. The remainder +of his life he spends toiling to keep his wife and +children soft and safe. And whether all this work +and sacrifice is worth the price and is a glorious +reward depends altogether on his wife’s attitude. If +she takes it as nothing but her due, it is slavery. +But if she lets him see every day in every way that +she thinks that he is the finest and noblest man that +ever lived, and that no be-medaled warrior has anything +on him in heroism, it makes it all worth while +and causes him to feel that being a husband and +father is the finest career on earth.</p> + +<p>“Item six in being a good wife is to keep yourself +good-natured. Tho you have all other virtues, yet +are a high-tempered virago or a nagger, you will +be a failure as a wife and your husband will curse +the day he married you.</p> + +<p>“Item seven is to be a good sport. To take the +bad with the good of matrimony without whining. +Not to welch on your part of the work and sacrifices. +To be willing to go where your husband’s<span class="pagenum" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</span> +fortunes call him. To fight the battle with him +shoulder to shoulder and never to give up the ship.</p> + +<p>“The next way to help your husband is by +keeping yourself cheerful and optimistic. Nothing +breaks down a man’s morale so quickly as having a +wife who is whining and complaining, who reproaches +him with not making as much money as other men +do, and who lets him see that she does not believe +in him. Now we can only do the things we think we +can do, and when we kill a man’s faith in himself we +have slain his ability to succeed. Ninety-nine husbands +out of a hundred live up to their wives’ expectations +of them. If their wives are always knocking +them and discouraging them and wet-blanketing +their every plan and prophesying failure, they fail. +But if their wives are cheerful and optimistic; if +they encourage them; if they believe in them, and +make them believe in themselves, they succeed. They +simply have to make good because their wives expect +it. Most wives write their husbands’ price tags. +Price yours high, and your husband will deliver the +goods.</p> + +<p>“The next point in being a good wife is for the +wife deliberately to make herself her husband’s best +friend. That means that you must interest yourself +in whatever interests him. First and foremost, you +must take an interest in his business. Practically +all men like to talk shop, but they can’t do it to +women who yawn in their faces and who never take<span class="pagenum" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</span> +the trouble to learn the technique of the business +out of which they get their living. A woman can +help her husband not only by taking an interest in +his business, but by making friends for him. Many +a man is advertised into success by his charming +wife, and many a man is bankrupted by his disagreeable +and ill-mannered spouse. A woman can help +her husband by using a little common sense in her +attitude toward his business, and by being willing to +make the sacrifices necessary to his success.</p> + +<p>“The woman who always speaks of her husband’s +office as ‘that old office,’ and who resents his interest +in his business and the time he devotes to it; the +woman who will not let her husband leave a poor +job with no future to it, to take a better one in +which he could make his fortune, because it would +take her away from mother and the girls and Main +Street; the doctors’ and dentists’ wives who are +jealous of their husbands’ patients, and the lawyer’s +wife who blabs, are all first aids to their husbands’ +failure. Only a man of superhuman talent +can succeed against the handicap of such a wife.</p> + +<p>“Then come the two specific ways in which a wife +can help her husband, and which depend on the +individual man. Some men have talent, but lack +backbone. They are brilliant but weak. They get +easily discouraged and need to be bucked up and +flattered and admired continually. They are prone +to give up, and they need a wife who will hold them<span class="pagenum" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</span> +to their purpose when they falter and waver. A +wife can help this type of man best by being a little +hard and very ambitious, by bracing him up with +her own strength and literally pushing him on to +success. The clinging vine, helpless sort of women +bring out the best that is in other men. If their +wives could stand on their own feet, their husbands +would let them do it, but because their wives can do +nothing but hang around their necks, they feel that +they must fight to the death for them.</p> + +<p>“This is the reason that for the wife to be thrifty +and saving is not always the best way to help a +man. Because many a man has had to hustle to +meet the demands of an extravagant wife he has +made the effort that turned him into a millionaire.</p> + +<p>“But mostly, my dear, if you want to help your +husband, just love him enough. Perhaps that is +the best way of all.”</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XLIII">XLIII<br> +<span class="fs70">INVALIDISM A GRAFT</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Do</span> you ever think that it is dishonest to be +sick when you might be well? It is just +plain stealing. And it is the most despicable +form of petty larceny, because it is robbing +those who love you, and trust you and who are +defenseless against you. They cannot lock up their +sympathies, their peace of mind, their personal +service, their money, safely away from your pilfering. +Of course, there are many people who are +really ill. Through no fault of their own, they are +smitten by some terrible disease, and they deserve +all that we can give of pity and help as they go +stumbling down the agonized way to the grave.</p> + +<p>These words are not for them, but for that multitude +of men and women with whom sickness is merely +a graft, a camouflage for selfishness, and a blanket +excuse with which they cover up all their sins of +omission and commission, and that furnishes them +a perfect alibi for doing everything they want to +do, and leaving undone those things which they do +not wish to do.</p> + +<p>Ninety per cent of all the sickness in the world is<span class="pagenum" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</span> +voluntary, or at least comes through contributory +negligence. People are sick because they are not +willing to make the sacrifices to keep well.</p> + +<p>And curiously enough they justify themselves by +claiming that their own health is a personal matter. +“If I make myself sick, I am the one who has to +suffer,” they say. If this were true, far be it from +the rest of us to interfere with their pleasures. +But it isn’t true. No man or woman is sick to himself +or herself alone. We have to listen to their +groans. We have to minister to them. We have +to do their work. We have to pay their doctor’s +bills. We have to put up with their irritability and +unreason because sickness is supposed to give people +<em>carte blanche</em> to do and say all the things that well +people do not dare to do. When ill health is an act +of God, as shipping manifests say, and therefore +beyond our control, it is one thing. When it is the +result of weak self-indulgence it is another thing. +Our sympathies and our assistance go out to the +victim of tuberculosis or cancer, but we have nothing +but contempt for the glutton who keeps himself +sick from overeating.</p> + +<p>In every business house where women are employed +there is such a large percentage of them absent +from work on account of sickness, especially during +the winter, that the question is often raised whether +the delicate feminine constitution can stand the +strain of commercial life. Stuff and nonsense! It<span class="pagenum" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</span> +isn’t the work that is hurting the girls. It is the +way they dress and live.</p> + +<p>They feel that they have a perfect right to risk +bad colds and pneumonia by coming to work on +rainy, sloppy, sleety days in paper-soled satin +pumps and chiffon stockings, and with not enough +clothes on to keep an icicle warm. They consider it +their own affair if they prefer to spend their money +on an imported hat instead of on nourishing food. +They think if they come to the office with a nervous +headache that makes them blind and stupid with +pain, and was brought on by too many nights of +successive jazzing, it is a matter between them and +the aspirin bottle alone. But it isn’t. They are not +giving their employers a square deal. They are not +giving them the services they pay for. They are +upsetting the routine of the office, and laying the +burden of their work on the shoulders of other +people.</p> + +<p>Look at the invalid wives you know! Dozens of +them who have brought nervous prostration on +themselves by overwork, or too many clubs and +causes, or too much society. Don’t we all know +women who go on orgies of housecleaning, or dressmaking, +though they know perfectly well that every +such debauch is going to end up in a spell of sickness +which will call for doctors and trained nurses? +Don’t we know women who wear themselves to tatters +over church fairs and club campaigns? Don’t<span class="pagenum" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</span> +we know women who play bridge every day until +they are so nervous that they become unbearable at +home and their husbands have to send them off to +sanatoriums to get a little peace and rest themselves? +We do.</p> + +<p>We marvel that these women never stop to consider +how they are defrauding their families. They +never consider what a wickedly dishonest thing it is +to deprive a husband and children of a healthy, +strong wife and mother, and give them a neurotic, +irritable, cross, nerve-wrecked creature who makes +the home about as cheerful as a grave-yard, and in +which they have always to walk softly and speak in +whispers for fear of disturbing the lady who has +just gone to bed with a neuralgia headache.</p> + +<p>Then there is the large army of women who enjoy +poor health, who are professional invalids for the +simple reason that they are too lazy and indolent +to make the effort to be well. They are quitters +who literally take life lying down. They cultivate +small ailments. They acquire the sanatorium habit, +and they expect to be pitied and babied instead of +being ostracized as dishonest grafters who snatch +the very bread out of the mouths of their families +to pay their unnecessary doctor’s bills. We all +know dozens of these women who suffer from imaginary +complaints, and we have seen many of them +cured by their husband’s death, when they had to<span class="pagenum" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</span> +quit being sick, and go to work and support themselves.</p> + +<p>That is why I say that it is dishonest to be sick +when you might be well.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XLIV">XLIV<br> +<span class="fs70">SELFISHNESS MADE TO ORDER</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">“My</span> daughter is so selfish toward me,” wailed +a mother to me the other day, “she never +considers my comfort or happiness in any +way whatever. Since the day she was born I have +never had a thought except for her. I have given +her the best of everything. I have worn old clothes +in order that she might have fine new ones. I have +done without the things I wanted that she might +indulge her every desire. I have gone to the places +that she wished to go to, instead of the places where +I wished to go. I have cooked and sewed and +waited upon her like a slave, but instead of appreciating +all that I have done for her she takes it as +a matter of course. She thinks any old cast-off is +good enough for mother and never dreams of doing +anything she doesn’t want to do for my pleasure. +And that is my reward for all the sacrifices I have +made for her!”</p> + +<p>“Say rather that, as the result of all the sacrifices +that you have made for your daughter,” I replied, +“your girl is just exactly what you have made her. +You have put in twenty-two years of conscientious<span class="pagenum" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</span> +work in erecting a monument of selfishness, and you +have no right to complain. You wouldn’t build a +house of mud and garbage cans and expect it to be +a white marble palace. How, then, can you expect +to build up a child’s character with all the meanest +characteristics of human nature and expect it to be +fine and noble? Impossible. And that is the sort +of miracle that you parents expect from your children +when you demand that they shall be something +totally different from the thing into which you have +made them.</p> + +<p>“When your daughter was born, she was as plastic +as clay in your hands. It was your privilege +to mold her into any shape you pleased. You could +have taught her to be unselfish, to be considerate, to +think of other people, to love and honor and respect +you. Instead of that, from her first conscious moment, +you taught her to despise you, to think you +of no account and not worth considering. You +taught her to think only of herself, of her own +pleasures and desires, and to get what she wanted +at any cost to others. Now you whine because your +teaching has borne fruit. You are unjust and unreasonable. +What we sow, we reap inevitably. If +you make yourself a doormat before your children, +they will walk over you and kick you about, because +they naturally think that you know where you belong +in the household and have taken your proper +place.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</span></p> + +<p>“They would just as naturally have looked up to +you if you had placed yourself on a pedestal above +them and demanded to be worshiped. Children +don’t reason about their parents. They just accept +them as they are and hold them cheap, or dear, +according to the way the mother and father value +themselves. I have no tears to shed over the sorrows +of mothers who have selfish and ungrateful +daughters, because every time it is the mother’s own +fault. She is to blame, not the girl.</p> + +<p>“If she had spent part of the clothes money on +getting herself some pretty frocks, instead of lavishing +it all on daughter, daughter would be proud +of mother instead of being ashamed of her. If she +had made daughter help with the housework and the +sewing, instead of slaving over the cookstove and +the sewing machine so that daughter might go free, +daughter would think about saving mother and +doing things for her. If she had asserted her rights +to her own personal tastes and pleasures, instead +of letting daughter’s tastes and pleasures rule the +household, daughter would show her some consideration +and remember mother’s likes and dislikes, and +cater to them. There are mothers who are queens +in their families, just as there are mothers who are +nothing but the maid-of-all-work in their homes, and +it rests with every mother to decide which she will +be. It is the queen mothers who are loved and appreciated, +and who have dutiful, unselfish children.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</span> +The drudge mother gets only the wages of the +drudge from her children.</p> + +<p>“In reality, the mother who rears her children up +to be monsters of selfishness has no right to expect +appreciation and gratitude from them because she +has done them as ill a turn as one human being can +do another. She has warped their characters. She +has developed in them traits that mar their happiness +and are a handicap to success. She has made +them egotists, and they are never satisfied and continually +at variance with those about them. In particular +is selfishness a blight upon a woman’s life, +for the selfish woman finds it almost impossible to +make the sacrifices that wifehood and motherhood +demand of her. One of the main reasons why divorce +is so prevalent is because when so many selfish +girls find that they can’t treat their husbands as +they did their mothers, they throw up their hands +and quit.</p> + +<p>“And so,” I said to the mother of the selfish +daughter, “you are unfair to your daughter. Don’t +blame her for being what you made her. What else +could you expect?”</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XLV">XLV<br> +<span class="fs70">SELF-CONTROL</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">If</span> I were to go to a mother who was cradling her +babe on her breast, and tell her that I knew a +magic formula by which she could insure power, +and prosperity, and happiness to her child, she +would impoverish herself to purchase this knowledge +from me, and fall on her knees and bless me for +having given it to her.</p> + +<p>Yet I know just such a bit of white magic. In +her secret soul every mother herself knows it, but +ninety-nine times out of a hundred she is either too +weak or too lazy to use it.</p> + +<p>This charm that would have changed all life for +innumerable people; that would have kept men out +of prisons, and women out of brothels; that would +have turned paupers into rich men; made the unsuccessful +successful and stopped the wheels of the +divorce court—consists simply in teaching children +self-control.</p> + +<p>Almost every misfortune under which humanity +suffers goes straight back to that. There is hardly +a derelict in the world who cannot say: “I would<span class="pagenum" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</span> +not be what I am if my mother had taught me to +control myself.”</p> + +<p>For it is lack of self-control that is at the bottom +of most of our sins of omission and commission.</p> + +<p>Look at the murderer going to the death chair. +Not once in a thousand times is he a cold-blooded +murderer; but he was a high-tempered child whose +mother never taught him to control himself. There +came a day when something irritated him more than +usual and, aflame with anger, he took a fellow +creature’s life. It is the supreme manifestation of +the same spirit that made him kick the chair against +which he stumbled as a child and beat with impotent +little fists all who thwarted him.</p> + +<p>Look at the drunkard wallowing in the gutter. +He is there because his mother never taught him to +control his appetites. He is the logical outgrowth +of the greedy little boy who was permitted to gorge +himself on cake and candy until it made him ill.</p> + +<p>Look at the poor, shabby, out-at-elbows man who +has drifted from job to job all his life, and has +never been able to make a decent support for himself +and his family. He is his mother’s handiwork. +She put the curse of incompetence on him when she +let him give up every undertaking the moment he +struck the hard sledding in it.</p> + +<p>He changed from one school to another because +the lessons were too difficult, or the teacher was too +strict. When he started to work, he left one place<span class="pagenum" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</span> +because the hours were too long, another because his +boss was too exacting. He tried a dozen different +occupations that he left because he found they had +unpleasant features and involved doing uncongenial +tasks. He is a down-and-outer because his mother +never taught him the self-control that makes a man +set his teeth and go through with the business to +which he has put his hand.</p> + +<p>Look at the girls who go astray. Not one of “the +sorrowful sisterhood” as the Japanese pitifully call +them, but who is what she is because her mother did +not teach her self-control. Did the girl sin because +she was so weak and so in love with some vicious +libertine that she listened to her heart instead of +her head? Her mother could have saved her from +a fate worse than death if she had taught her to +control her emotions, instead of being ruled by them.</p> + +<p>Did the girl sell her soul for fine clothes, and +good times? Again the mother’s fault for not teaching +the girl self-control, and to do without the +things that she could not honestly get.</p> + +<p>Look at the poor old people who are dependent +on their children, or the grudging charity of relatives +and friends. In how many cases is their unhappy +fate simply the result of their lack of self-control! +They have had their chance of fortune. +As long as the man was able to work he made plenty +of money, and they lived luxuriously, but they spent +everything as they went along. They laid up nothing<span class="pagenum" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</span> +for their rainy day, and when it came, it found +them paupers and parasites. The difference between +dependence and independence, between comfort and +misery in your old age depends upon how much +self-control you have had in your youth.</p> + +<p>Look at the ever increasing number of divorces. +Look at the forlorn half-orphan children, and +broken up homes. Look at the unhappy married +couples you know. What is the real cause of all +this domestic trouble? Merely that mothers do not +teach their children self-control. They raise up +spoiled, selfish daughters who never consider a thing +in life but their own pleasure.</p> + +<p>They raised up spoiled, selfish sons who have +never considered another human being but themselves. +These two, with undisciplined wills, unrestrained +tempers, undirected impulses, marry each +other, and they fight like cats and dogs. Observation +shows that either a husband or a wife who controls +himself or herself can save almost any marriage, +and it takes no prophet to foretell that mothers +could insure their children’s domestic happiness +by teaching them iron bound self-control.</p> + +<p>You can teach a baby three weeks old self-control +by refusing to give it the thing it howls for. Say +to the toddler that falls and bumps its nose, “Mother’s +brave boy doesn’t cry,” and it will bite back the +sobs. It will yell the roof off if you pity it. A +child of three will be obedient, cheerful, respectful<span class="pagenum" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</span> +of the rights of others, or he will be a little demon, +according to the way his mother has brought him up.</p> + +<p>If she has taught him self-control, she has given +him the magic that works all the miracles of life, +and if she hasn’t, she has done him the greatest +wrong that any human being can possibly do to +another human being.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XLVI">XLVI<br> +<span class="fs70">OLD FATHERS AND NEW DAUGHTERS</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">“O dear</span> Miss Dix,” wails a little flapper, +“won’t you please help me? Won’t you +please try to make my father understand +that I must do as people do now, instead of doing +the way that he did when he was young? I’ve got +the best daddy in the world, and I love him with all +my heart; but he is ruining my life trying to make +me the sort of girl that he says mother was. And +I’m not mother. I am myself, and I don’t live thirty +years ago. I live now, and I have to be a model girl +of now or else a back-number at whom nobody will +look and whom nobody wants. Father says he is an +old-fashioned father, and he is trying to make me +an old-fashioned girl. I never have any up-to-the-minute +clothes because mother didn’t wear short +skirts and no corsets and bob her hair. I can’t go +joy-riding with a crowd because they didn’t have +automobiles when father was young. I have to be +home at 11 o’clock when I go out in the evening +because he says that he never stayed out late when +he was young.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</span></p> + +<p>“I can’t dance because father didn’t jazz and he +doesn’t think the modern dances respectable. He +won’t let me read any of the six best sellers because +he doesn’t approve of modern literature, and he +makes me read old-fashioned books that I almost +yawn my head off over. And he just simply loathes +all the boys who come to see me. Calls them sapheads, +and he wonders why I want to waste my time +talking nonsense with little jellybeans such as they +are. He says it is just appalling to see how youth +has deteriorated since his day, and that when he was +young the boys and girls were all serious-minded +young people, who cared only for rational amusements, +and that instead of chasing around to cabarets +they spent the evening at home in intelligent +conversation.</p> + +<p>“I suppose we young ones are a poor lot compared +to what our parents were; but such as we are, +we are. In Rome you have to do as the Romans do +or else you get left. I want to play with the other +girls and boys, but I can’t unless I play the way +they do. My father is always talking about home +being woman’s proper sphere, and wifehood and +motherhood being a woman’s noblest career. But +how am I to get married if I am never permitted to +have any dates with boys? You might just as well +lock a girl up in a stone cell and throw away the +key as not to let her do what the other girls are +doing. There are too many pretty girls, with lots<span class="pagenum" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</span> +of fun and pep in them, that the boys can run +around with, for them to take the trouble to hunt +up one that is laid up on the shelf and labeled ‘old-fashioned.’ +And when I tell my father this he gets +angry and I cry, and I don’t know what to do because +I don’t want to disobey him and I don’t want +to waste my youth sticking around at home and +having no pleasure.”</p> + +<p>“Alas, my dear,” I said, “your father is trying +to foist his ideals on you, just as his father tried +to foist his ideals on him. Each generation tries to +do it and each makes dark prophecies about what +the present generation is coming to. Your grandfather +thought bustles just as dreadful as your +father thinks rolled stockings are. Your grandfather +disapproved of side-bar buggies just as much +as your father does of automobiles. Your grandfather +considered the waltz just as indecent as your +father does shimmying. Your grandfather thought +your father should only read Shakespeare and Richardson, +and considered Dickens frivolous, just as +your father thinks you ought to read Dickens instead +of ‘The Sheik.’ And your grandfather told +your father how superior the young men of his day +were, and how they spent their time in improving +their minds and always went to bed with the chickens, +and how they doted on intellectual conversation, +just as his father told him and great-great-great-great-grandfather +told his son.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</span></p> + +<p>“And it is all stuff and nonsense. Not a word of +it has ever been true. Each succeeding generation +of young people have been pleasure-loving and +laughter-loving and foolish, and have danced and +played and skylarked. And all the difference is +that their games have taken on different phases in +different ages. It is a pity that fathers and mothers +cannot remember this. If they did and would look +on with sympathy and understanding, they could +keep close enough to their children to know what +they are doing and to stretch out a hand and hold +them steady when they start to go wild, and to +snatch them back when they get too near to the +edge of the pit. For youth will be served. Youth +must have its fling. High spirits must find a vent. +Suppress these with the heavy hand of authority and +something blows up.</p> + +<p>“Lock a girl in her room, and she will climb out +of the window. Forbid her to see boys at home, and +she will meet them on the street. Refuse to let her +go to nice dances, and she will slip away to low +dance halls. The wildest and most reckless girls +are invariably those with the strictest parents. The +young people of to-day live in the world of to-day +and must do as they do to-day. Parents must recognize +that and deal with them on that platform if +they wish to do their duty by their children.”</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XLVII">XLVII<br> +<span class="fs70">LOSING A WIFE’S LOVE</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">One</span> of the most curious superstitions in the +world is the childlike belief that men have +in the indestructibility of women’s love. +They visualize the feminine heart as a sort of perpetual-motion +machine that, once they press the +button and set it to work, goes on automatically +pumping up affection for them as long as they +live, and they think that nothing they do or say +ever interferes with its functioning. In a word, they +believe that if a man wins a woman’s love it is his +for keeps. He can’t lose it or mislay it. The poor +thing has no choice but to go on adoring him to the +end, because she is built that way. It is a comfortable +and consoling theory, and men take liberties +with it, but the trouble is that it isn’t true. In +reality, women are just as fickle as men are, and +just as few women as men are capable of a deep and +abiding love. Women’s fancies are just as unstable +as men’s. They are just as much lured by a handsome +face and fall as easily for a smooth line of +soft talk. And there are just as many wives who<span class="pagenum" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</span> +get tired of their husbands as there are husbands +who are weary of their wives.</p> + +<p>The only difference between the sexes in the matter +is that women face the situation, while men shut +their eyes to it and refuse to recognize that it exists. +Every woman knows that because a man was in love +with her when he married her is no indication that +he is going to remain in love with her to the end of +the chapter. She knows that if she keeps her husband’s +affection she has to be up and doing, and on +the job. That is why there are millions of women +undergoing all the agonies of slow starvation trying +to maintain a girlish figure; why millions are boiled +alive and thumped and scalped in beauty parlors, +and why the nation spends more a year for face +paint than it does for house paint, and why, wherever +we go, we see fat, middle-aged, bread-and-butter +wives attempting to look like flappers and acquire +the technique of the vamp in order to keep their +husbands nailed to their own firesides.</p> + +<p>Apparently, however, it never occurs to a man +that there is the slightest necessity to make any +effort to keep his wife fascinated and to prevent her +eyes from roaming around in search of a sheik. He +may be bay-windowed and bald, but if he reduces it +is only on his doctor’s orders, and not because he +wants to look boyish to his wife. And he never buys +a toupee until after he becomes a widower and begins +to take notice again. The idea that his wife<span class="pagenum" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</span> +might cease to love him actually never crosses the +average man’s mind. He is convinced that she +couldn’t do it. It is some peculiarity of the feminine +constitution that makes a woman go on loving +what has become unlovable. Now, with a man it is +different, of course. He realizes that he couldn’t +stay very long in love with a woman who was +slouchy, and sloppy, and untidy looking, who came +to breakfast in a dirty kimono and run down at the +heel slippers. Nor would he take much interest in +kissing a cheek smeared with cold cream.</p> + +<p>But he doesn’t see why his wife shouldn’t still +regard him as a romantic figure when he goes around +in a soiled shirt and a rumpled collar, with grease +spots on his coat and trousers that bag at the knees, +and offers to her lips a countenance with a two days’ +stubble of beard on it.</p> + +<p>A man knows well enough that, as far as he is +concerned, the only way to keep the love fires burning +is to keep piling the fuel on it and pouring over +it the oil of flattery and praise. But he thinks that +you don’t have to put any more fuel on the fire of a +woman’s heart, because it is a flame that miraculously +replenishes itself. So after he marries he +never bothers to show her any attention, or to pay +her any compliments, or to tell her that he loves her, +or give any indication that he regards her as anything +but a piece of useful household furniture. If +any woman ever treated him that way his affection<span class="pagenum" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</span> +would mighty soon starve to death, but he never has +the slightest apprehension that his wife’s love will +perish on the same meager rations.</p> + +<p>There are men who abuse their wives, who swear +at them, and curse them, and speak to them as if +they were dogs. There are men whose wives live +in trembling fear of their tempers. There are men +who are stingy and who do not give to their wives, +who spend their lives slaving for them, the poorest +wage of an ill-paid servant. Yet these men go on +believing that their wives still love them because they +loved them in the days of courtship, when they were +handsome, gallant, and neat, and attractive, and +loving, and flattering, and generous, and considerate +swains.</p> + +<p>Such men befool themselves by thinking that they +cannot kill a woman’s love. Never was there a +greater mistake. A woman’s love is as delicate and +as fragile a thing as a flower that you can crush with +a finger. And it takes never-ending skill, and care, +and cherishing to keep it alive. You can kill it with +disgust. You can kill it with unkindness. You can +kill it with injustice. You can kill it with neglect, +and it would surprise many a man who still believes +that his wife loves him in spite of the way he has +treated her, in spite of his indifference to her, to +know that her love for him has been dead so long +that she has almost forgotten that she ever cared +for him at all.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</span></p> + +<p>So I warn you, Mr. Man, not to put any faith in +the theory that you can’t kill a woman’s love. +Women are like men; they only love the lovable. +And if you wish to retain your wife’s affections, +you have got to continue after marriage the same +tactics you used in winning her.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XLVIII">XLVIII<br> +<span class="fs70">THE LURE OF THE MARRIED MAN</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">A man</span> wants to know why married men have +such a fascination for girls, and wherein +a benedict’s wooing differs from that of a +bachelor. The first part of this double-barreled +question was answered by Eve in the Garden of +Eden, and every girl takes after her greatest grandmother. +Married men are forbidden fruit, and that +alone whets the appetite of the foolish little Evelyns +for them, and makes them seem the prize pippins of +the whole matrimonial orchard. The thing that a +woman cannot have, that she has no right to have, +and especially the thing that some other woman possesses, +is always the thing that she wants most. If +you have ever watched women fight over a commonplace +and unattractive article on a bargain table, +where each was determined to have it just because +the others desired it, you have the psychological explanation +of why a girl falls for a married man that +she wouldn’t look at if he were single.</p> + +<p>Also, women are the adventurous sex. They love +to play with danger as a child plays with fire, and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</span> +a large part of the lure of the married man consists +in the fact that a girl knows that when she has an +affair with one, she is risking every shred of her +reputation, and gambling with her happiness, and +that any minute she may be cited as a corespondent, +and dragged into the slime of the divorce courts.</p> + +<p>Also, the average girl is simply slopping over +with romance, and somehow she gets more kick out +of being wooed under the rose than she does in an +above board, honest-to-God courtship. There is +something about the secrecy of a love intrigue with +a married man, about the surreptitious letters, +about the stolen rendezvous, that thrills her to the +core of her being. It makes her feel so desperately +wicked, like one of the grand passion heroines of +her favorite novels, who cried “All for love, and the +world well lost” as she chucked her bonnet over the +windmill.</p> + +<p>It is because the married man is the only man in +the world who is out of her reach, and whom she has +no right to try to grab; it is because some other +woman has set her seal of approval on him by marrying +him; it is because an illicit love episode is a +streak of lurid romance in her drab days, that the +little Totties and Flossies are able to see the hero +of their girlish dreams in the fat, bald-headed, middle-aged +men for whom they work, and the Mauds +and Gwendolyns imagine that they have found their +affinities in some ordinary commonplace married<span class="pagenum" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</span> +man, who would bore them to tears if his wedding +ring had not given him a fictitious value in their +eyes.</p> + +<p>Add to this, vanity and cruelty. In the man +hunt, women look on the married man as big game, +and when they bring one down they feel as if they +had captured an elephant instead of having shot a +tame rabbit. There are girls who boast of their conquests +among married men, and who have so little +heart that they delight in watching the agonies of +jealousy that they inflict on the poor defenseless +wife. Many young women are likewise gold-diggers, +and these virtually confine their attentions to married +men, as wealthy bachelors are few and well-to-do +middle-aged married men are plentiful and easy.</p> + +<p>Why the married man who starts out as a +Lothario is an easy winner of feminine hearts is +perfectly obvious. To begin with, he has the same +advantage that the widower has over the single man. +He is a professional, so to speak, instead of an +amateur lover. He has the education in women +that only marriage can give a man, for he has had +a wife and, like the wise man of Kipling’s poem, he +“learned about women from her.” He has found +out that all women are so hungry for love that they +will swallow any soft talk without examining its +quality. He has found out that you can jolly a +woman into anything. He has found out that +women melt down into a mush that you can do with<span class="pagenum" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</span> +as you will, under a little understanding and sympathy. +He has found out that if you remember an +anniversary, and a woman’s taste in two or three +things, she will believe it an absolute proof of undying +devotion.</p> + +<p>The married man knows that there is one sure +short cut to virtually every woman’s heart. It is +pity. And so he begins his love-making by telling +the girl that his wife does not understand him, that +she is not his real soul-mate, that they have nothing +in common, and that his home is bleak, and barren, +and unhappy. Generally he accuses his wife of being +a human iceberg, while he is a perfect geyser of love +and tenderness. And then he moans: “Oh, why did +we not meet in time?” And the poor little idiot of +a girl undertakes the consolation rôle.</p> + +<p>Of course, all of this effective love play is more +or less impossible to the bachelor. He lacks the technique +of the married man. He cannot appeal to a +woman’s sympathies, or pose before her in the rôle +of a martyr. He can only make love in the commonplace +old way, and it cramps his style. But +the real reason that the married man is a devil +among women is just the same old reason that made +Eve listen to the serpent.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="XLIX">XLIX<br> +<span class="fs70">FORGET IT</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Every</span> day some girl writes me that she is +young, quite as pretty as the other girls +about her, that she dresses as well, and +makes as good an appearance as they do, and +strives to please, but that no man ever pays her +the slightest attention, or asks her to step out with +him of an evening. Then this girl goes on to say +that she is a business girl, but she doesn’t make a +very good salary, and she is discouraged, and blue, +and wants to know what to do.</p> + +<p>My advice to a girl in this situation—and there +are millions of her—is to forget men. Give up the +struggle to attract them. Quit trying to catch one. +Renounce romance. Throw away all thoughts of +marriage. Just accept the fact that nature did not +put you in the vamp class, and play your game of +life from that angle.</p> + +<p>This counsel will be a bitter pill for the girl to +swallow, but she will find it good medicine that will +work a speedy and permanent cure, if she will try +it on herself. Why certain women are magnets that<span class="pagenum" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</span> +draw every man they meet to them, and why nothing +in trousers except upon compulsion ever goes +near other women just as good looking, just as +charming in every way, is one of the mysteries nobody +has ever solved. Nor has anyone ever been +able to suggest a remedy for this state of affairs.</p> + +<p>The fast steamship, the lightning express, the +aeroplane, have annihilated distance, but human ingenuity +has failed to invent any device to make a +boy go to see the girl next door if he doesn’t want +to go. Science has torn its secrets from the earth, +but it cannot find out what quality it is in woman +that attracts men. It has invented chemicals that +work magic in the physical world, but it has never +discovered a reliable love philter.</p> + +<p>So that’s that. And it is a wise girl who has the +courage to look herself in the face, and see whether +she has the “come hither” look in her eye, and if +she hasn’t, to recognize the fact, and devote herself +to a more promising occupation than chasing men, +who, in the end, always make their getaway, unless +they desire to be caught.</p> + +<p>Therefore, I would urge the girl who does not +make a spontaneous hit with men, to quit wasting +her time and her energies in the vain attempt to +decoy them into noticing her, and to put all that lost +motion and force into her work, where she will get +better results.</p> + +<p>Believe me, if the girl who does not attract men,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</span> +tried as hard to sell herself to her job as she does +to sell herself socially, she would not have to complain +long of holding a small position. She would +be a highly paid secretary, or buyer, or department +manager.</p> + +<p>If the girl who does not attract men, studied her +employer’s moods and tenses as earnestly as she +does those of some little jellybean, and if she was as +anxious to please her employer as she is to please +the jazz hounds and cakeaters she meets, she would +find herself one of the valued employees who are +always spoken of reverentially as “our Miss So-and so.”</p> + +<p>If the girl who never has a date would put in +one hundredth part of the intensive study on her +work that she gives to the technique of the popular +girl, and to trying to find out something about the +psychology of customers or the history of the goods +she handles, or the details of the business she is +employed in, she would have employers fighting over +her.</p> + +<p>In a word, if the girl who is not popular with +men would concentrate her thoughts, her interests, +and her ambitions, on getting ahead in the occupation +she has chosen, instead of wasting her time and +energies in a fruitless attempt to charm men, she +would be a success instead of a failure; she would +be happy instead of miserable.</p> + +<p>As it is now she falls between the stools. She is<span class="pagenum" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</span> +a poor makeshift in her job, who gets nowhere, +because her one desire, her one ambition, her one +aim in life is to attract men and catch a husband, +and she is miserable, and discouraged, and bitter, +and disgruntled, because she is balked in that attempt. +And she is a siren without allure who never +arrives at the altar, so she fails both as a business +woman, and in her effort to catch a husband.</p> + +<p>This is a great pity, because while love and marriage +are highly desirable blessings to come into a +woman’s life, they are not the whole of life. The +world is full of such a lot of things besides sentiment. +There is independence, the freedom to come +and go as one pleases. There is the exhilarating +sport of climbing up the ladder of success, which +has a million thrills for every round. There is the +solid satisfaction of achievement. There is the good +job that keeps one on one’s tiptoes so that one never +has a dull moment. There is the happiness that +comes of being employed in constructive work. +There is one’s own home, with one’s own pots, and +pans, and doilies, if one wants them.</p> + +<p>Take it from me, girls, the woman who espouses +a career does not get the worst husband there is. +She has a life companion from whom she never has +to wheedle the pennies. She never has to listen to +any back talk or criticisms. She is never afraid of +this companion getting tired and running off after +flappers. It is only the lucky women, who make<span class="pagenum" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</span> +exceptional marriages, who are as well off as the +business girls who do not marry.</p> + +<p>Furthermore, there is this comfort to be given +the girl who quits trying to attract men, and gets +busy with her job. Men are contrary creatures. +Pursue them, and they flee from you. Lay traps, +and they walk wide of them. But let them alone, +indicate that you are indifferent to them; that you +are concerned with your own affairs in which they +have no part; let them realize that you can get on +quite well without them, and it piques their interest. +They come flocking around of their own accord to +see what manner of woman you are.</p> + +<p>Also the girl who makes something of herself, and +who rises high in her profession is thrown with the +men at the top, the men of brains, and they are +often attracted to her while the silly little boys with +whom she used to play about were not.</p> + +<p>So I say again to the girls who are not attractive +to men, stop wasting your time in the useless attempt +to vamp men. Put your heart and your soul +into your job. Work is the consolation prize God +gives us when we miss getting the thing we wanted +most.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="L">L<br> +<span class="fs70">LOST LOVE</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Many</span> women ask me how they can regain +the love of some man which they have lost. +Sometimes, a girl tells me, weeping, of a +once ardent lover who has become cold and neglectful, +who no longer comes to see her, and she wants +to know how to bring him back, and make him once +more crazy about her.</p> + +<p>Oftenest, however, it is a wife who seeks desperately +for some magic whereby she can light again +the love fires in the heart of a husband who has +ceased to care for her, who is tired of her, and who +does not even take the trouble to hide from her the +fact that he regards her as a burden, of which he +would rid himself if he could.</p> + +<p>It is the tragedy of these women that they are +doomed to love men after the men no longer love +them. Not even neglect, and insult, and faithlessness, +kill their affection for those on whom they have +set their foolish, doglike hearts. So they cling with +desperate hands to the men who are trying to break +away from them, hoping against hope, praying some<span class="pagenum" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</span> +miracle will happen that will give them back their +lost love.</p> + +<p>But their prayers are never answered. The +miracle never happens. No sorcerer can teach a +woman how to weave a spell a second time about +a man. The love potions that the credulous buy +from fortune tellers, never work, and though a +woman conjure never so deftly, she cannot bring +back the heart that has slipped out of her keeping.</p> + +<p>For of all dead things, nothing is so dead as dead +love. No power can breathe into it again the breath +of life, and make it a vital thing once more.</p> + +<p>We do not know why we love. We do not know +why some particular man or woman makes a peculiar +appeal that makes us prefer him or her to all +the other men and women in the world. We do not +know why the touch of certain hands thrill us; why +the quirk of a smile, or the look in an eye, draws us; +why we have a sense of comradeship with certain +individuals; why some man or woman fascinates us; +or why we desire one man or woman more than +another, who may be better looking, more intelligent, +more worthy in every way.</p> + +<p>Nor do we any more know why we cease to love +than we know why we love. We do not know why +the touch of the hand that has thrilled us ceases to +thrill; nor why the charm that was once so potent +vanishes into thin air, nor why the fascination flees, +and the one who once held us enthralled becomes a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</span> +bore who wearies us to tears. It just happens, and +we are as helpless before one situation as before +the other.</p> + +<p>There are not many men who are cruel enough to +find sport in breaking a woman’s heart, and who deliberately +win a girl’s love, and play with it, and +fling it away. There are not many husbands who +would not remain their wives’ eternal lovers, if it +was in their power to control their affections. That +was their romantic dream when they married. That +way their happiness lay, and they would have kept +their romance had it been a matter of their own +volition.</p> + +<p>Unfortunately, the disillusion came. The glory +and the circling wings departed. Somehow their +wives lost their allure for them, and strive as they +might, they could not see them again with the eyes +of a lover, or bring back their charm. Many a +man would be just as glad to fall in love again +with his wife as she would be to have him fall in love +with her once more, but he cannot do it. You cannot +fan dead ashes into a flame.</p> + +<p>Perhaps if wives realized how impossible it is to +resurrect a dead love, they would guard the living +love more carefully, and run fewer risks of killing it. +They would not take the chance of disillusioning +their husbands by going about sloppy and slovenly +at home, and thus presenting a fatal contrast to the +trimly dressed women in their offices, and the beautified<span class="pagenum" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</span> +ladies they meet in society. They would reflect +that no man would have much appetite for domestic +kisses when flavored with cold cream, and that if +a wife wishes to be regarded as a ladylove, she must +look the part instead of resembling a sack of potatoes.</p> + +<p>And they would see to it that love is not assassinated +on their hearthstones by ceaseless, senseless +quarrels, by whining, and complaining, and nagging, +and petty tyrannies. Nor would they permit love +to die of that commonest and most deadly ailment, +boredom. For if a woman can interest her husband +enough before marriage to make him pick her out +from all the rest of the world for his life partner, +she can interest him enough to hold him until the +end of the chapter if she is willing to take the trouble +and perform the labor necessary to do so.</p> + +<p>If, though, a woman, through carelessness or +ignorance, has lost the love of the man she loves, +there is absolutely no way in which she can win it +back. Through duty or a sense of honor she may +hold his body, but his soul has gone from her forever, +and she is wise if she accepts the inevitable.</p> + +<p>If she is a girl, she should let the sweetheart who +is tired of her go, instead of trying to hold him. +Some other man she may make love her, but not the +old one for whom she has lost her charm.</p> + +<p>If she is a married woman whose husband has +ceased to love her, let her agonize no more over the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</span> +impossible task of reviving his passion for her. Let +her fill her life with other interests and thank God +that there are so many other pleasant things in +the world besides love.</p> + +<p>For of this she may rest assured. There is no +reviving of dead love. When once we have lost our +taste for a person everything is over. It is finished, +as the French say.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="LI">LI<br> +<span class="fs70">THE SHOW WEDDING</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">The</span> Turks have passed a law prohibiting +elaborate and costly marriage ceremonials, +and forbidding the giving of expensive wedding +presents. What a pity that we cannot have +such an edict issued in this country! For there is +no other one thing that would do more to allay +heartburnings and jealousies, prevent nervous prostration +and bankruptcy, and promote peace and +thrift than to officially “can” the show wedding.</p> + +<p>In all fairness, we must admit that the display +wedding is a feminine vice. No man, probably, ever +really yearned to make a public exhibition of himself +as he was being led as a lamb to the slaughter. +But by the time she is ten years old the average +girl has begun planning her wedding and deciding +whether she will have a big church affair, with ushers +and flower girls and ring-bearers and maids and +matrons of honor and bridesmaids and a white satin +dress and a real lace veil, and all the other flubdubs, +or whether she will be married at home under +a floral canopy, with an admiring audience fenced<span class="pagenum" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</span> +off from her by white ribbons. And to realize this +ten-minute splurge she is ready to ruthlessly ruin +her family and half kill herself. If she doesn’t get +it, she goes through life feeling that she has missed +her big moment. It is from this silly, dopey daydream +that women should be rescued by law, since +few of them have the common sense and good taste +to put it aside themselves.</p> + +<p>To begin with, it would do away with the disgraceful, +barefaced holdups that precede weddings. +These are camouflaged under the appropriate name +of “showers,” for they cause every friend of an engaged +girl to shed salt and bitter tears at the realization +of how much they will be mulcted for in +silk-stocking showers, and handkerchief showers, and +towel showers, and kitchen showers, and all the +other showers that go to make up a bridal deluge. +It would also prevent that sinking feeling at the pit +of the stomach with which we are attacked at sight +of a large, thick white envelope in the mail. We +know that it means a “stand-and-deliver” present, +which somehow always comes just at a time when +the rent is overdue, or a doctor bill has to be paid, +or we had saved up a little money by pinching +economies to buy a new hat or suit.</p> + +<p>It isn’t that we are stingy or mean, or that we begrudge +a gift to a friend. It is only that we would +like to give when we can do so freely, and enjoy the +giving, instead of having to give at a time when it<span class="pagenum" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</span> +is actually dishonest to bestow a present. Why, I +have known people who had to put off needed dental +work or taking a sick child to the country when +three or four wedding presents fell together. The +wedding gift was a debt of honor. “They sent us +a set of salad forks.” “She gave us a clock when +we were married,” and it had to be returned in +kind. The abolition of the show wedding would +prolong the days of many a poor, old, hard-worked +father, whose daughter’s trousseau is the straw that +breaks the camel’s back.</p> + +<p>It is not because she needs them, or has any use +for them, that Sally Ann, who is a poor girl marrying +a poor young man, has to have piles of orchid +chiffon undergarments, hand-embroidered and belaced +and beribboned. It is because they are to be +displayed to her catty friends, who will finger them, +and appraise them, and criticize them, and then go +home wondering how her father is ever going to pay +for them. If her lingerie were not Exhibit A at the +wedding Sally Ann would go along and provide herself +with a reasonable amount of underwear that +would stand wear and washing, and not run papa +into debt.</p> + +<p>But Sally Ann has to have her show wedding. +She has to trail up the church aisle in her white +satin and her tulle veil, and all the rest of it. And +by the time father has paid for the church and the +flowers, and the bridesmaid’s presents, and the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</span> +reception, and the automobiles, he has had to borrow +money at the bank and has saddled himself with a +debt that bends his back a little more, and puts new +lines in his face, and adds to his burden in work and +worry, which was already more than he could bear. +And it has all been for a few minutes’ flaunting of +herself in the face of an audience of people who +smiled and nudged each other, and said: “Did you +ever see her look so homely? Brides always look +their worst.” “Wonder what he ever saw in her to +make him pick her out.” “Is that the bridegroom? +Looks like a scared rabbit.” “How on earth do you +suppose her father will ever pay for this? Everybody +knows he can’t afford it,” and so on, and so on. +Just what everybody says at a wedding.</p> + +<p>Above all, the abolition of the show wedding and +the saving of the foolish expenditure it involved +would enable many a young couple to set up housekeeping +out of debt; and, best of all, they would +begin life simply and honestly, and with the admiration +and gratitude of all who know them. Getting +married is the crucial act in a man’s and woman’s +life. It is the most awful and solemn thing they +ever do. And why they want to have a thousand +curious eyes peering at them when they take the +step that is going to plunge them into hell or lift +them into heaven passes comprehension. It would +not be more incongruous to send out invitations to<span class="pagenum" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</span> +people to come and watch you die than it is to come +and see you married.</p> + +<p>Wise that young couple who simply slip around +to the parson and make their vows at the altar, with +no one but God to look on.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="LII">LII<br> +<span class="fs70">WHEN YOUR CHILDREN ARE GLAD YOU DIE</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Parents</span> seem to run to extremes. Of the +common, or garden, variety of fathers and +mothers there appears to be two types. One +is the overindulgent, which lavishes too much money, +too many fine clothes, too many motorcars on its +offspring, and that brings up its children to be idle +and worthless wasters and spenders. The other +type of parent is the Spartan one that is as hard +as nails, unsympathetic, close-fisted; that denies its +children every indulgence, and that holds to the +theory that the harder it makes life for the young +the better it is for them. Both schools of thought +are wrong.</p> + +<p>Undoubtedly, parents make a very great mistake +when they sacrifice everything to their children and +make doormats of themselves for their children to +walk on. They weaken their sons and daughters by +pampering them too much and by standing between +them and the struggle that alone makes muscle of +body and soul, and they do their children a cruel +injustice by cultivating in them extravagant tastes<span class="pagenum" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</span> +and habits that perhaps they cannot later on give +them the money to gratify. Certainly it is an unedifying +spectacle to behold, as we often do, a +mother in patched, made-over clothes, while her +daughters fare forth in the latest imported Parisian +models, or a seedy father riding on the street car +while son burns up the road in a speedy sports car +and is decked out like Solomon in all his glory.</p> + +<p>Also we can but deplore the folly of parents who +skimp, and slave, and deny themselves every comfort +in order that their daughters can make a +splurge in society, and that their sons may loaf +through college courses, where they acquire nothing +but a college yell and a contempt for their hump-shouldered +old dads. We could weep when we see +tired old women who are converted into unpaid +nursemaids by their married daughters who are +always coming in and dumping their babies down +on mother when they want to go off on a trip or +play bridge. And what tears we have left we could +shed over the men whose sons are always getting +into trouble and coming back to father for help +when they know that they are robbing him of the +pittance he has saved up for his old age.</p> + +<p>But between doing everything for your children +and doing nothing at all for them is a long step, +and the parents who do not help their children to +get a start in life fail just as much in doing their +duty to them as do the foolishly fond parents who<span class="pagenum" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</span> +kill their children’s initiative by swaddling them in +cotton wool. Of course, necessity is a grim teacher. +If you chuck a child into the water where it must +sink or swim, it is pretty apt to strike out and keep +afloat somehow. And it is true that a great many +successful men and women are the children of parents +who were so poor that they could do nothing +for them, and that they fought their way to an +education and battled their way to success against +all sorts of hardships. But there is a great difference +between the parents who cannot help their children +and those who will not help their children, +between the fathers and mothers who would give +their heart’s blood to their children and those who +will not give them a few dollars. And while the +children may feel all love and reverence for the poor +parents who were powerless to assist them, they can +but feel bitter resentment toward the parents who +stand callously by, watching their struggles without +holding out a helping hand.</p> + +<p>A large number of parents have an idea that it +does young people good to be deprived of pleasures, +to be reared to no indulgences, to know hardships. +And so even when they have plenty of money they +deny their children pretty clothes and the advantages +of education and travel, and when they get +married they let them scuffle for themselves. They +do not give the girl a dowry nor set the boy up +in business.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</span></p> + +<p>It seems to me that this is a cruel and an inhuman +thing to do, and that it serves no purpose but to +kill in the child’s breast every particle of affection +it had for its father and mother. For it dooms the +children to years of struggle and self-sacrifice, +pinching economies and anxieties that it might so +easily have escaped. And God knows that life is not +so easy for any of us that we can afford to have any +of the pleasure taken out of it.</p> + +<p>It also often shuts the door of opportunity for +the child or puts off success for many weary years. +The few thousands of dollars that father might +have invested in the firm which would have raised +Tom from being a clerk to a partner might have +carried him on to fortune. If father would have +financed the extra course of study in his profession +for John, he would have achieved success and begun +big money making years before he did. If father +had given Mary an allowance big enough to hire +servants, she would not have worked herself to death +cooking, and washing, and baby tending. But +father wouldn’t do it. He held on to every penny +and let his children fight it out the best way they +could. The daughter of such a man once said to me:</p> + +<p>“My father is dead and I have inherited a large +fortune, but it has come to me too late to do me any +real good. When I was a girl I never had any +pretty clothes. I never had a nice home to invite +my friends to. I never had any indulgences. I<span class="pagenum" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</span> +never could even go with the people I was entitled +to go with because I did not live in the style they +did. I married a poor man and my father never +helped us. I wore my youth out in housework that +I was not strong enough to do. If he had given me +$10,000 when I needed it, it would have done me +more good than all that I have inherited does me +now.”</p> + +<p>The moral of all of which is, do not sacrifice yourself +to your children; do not impoverish yourself for +them, but help than all you can while they are +young and while they need it, if you do not wish +them to be glad when you are dead and your will +is read.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="LIII">LIII<br> +<span class="fs70">WHAT PRICE PLEASURE?</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Do</span> you ever ask yourself if you are not paying +too high a price for many of the things +in which you indulge yourself? So far as +material things go, most of us are keen enough about +seeing that we get our money’s worth. We do not +pay a thousand dollars for a string of glass beads. +We do not buy a battered flivver at Rolls Royce +figures, nor will we stand being charged banquet +prices for a corned beef and cabbage dinner.</p> + +<p>When it comes to spiritual values, however, we +lose all sense of proportion. We become spendthrifts, +who throw our priceless treasures away, +and we literally sell our birthrights for a mess of +pottage. One thinks of this particularly just now +when one watches so many young persons making +such bad and losing bargains with fate. There are +the boys scarcely out of their teens who think it is +such a sporting thing, so dashing, and that it shows +that they are such men of the world to carry flasks +on their hips and drink the vile poison that bootleggers +sell. For the sake of the kick they get out<span class="pagenum" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</span> +of this and for a few minutes’ exhilaration, they are +risking not only death itself, but what is far, far +worse, blindness and imbecility and every sort of +nervous ailment.</p> + +<p>Look at the pasty-faced, blear-eyed youths with +shaking hands that you see all about you, their +minds dulled, their energies paralyzed, their ambitions +killed by drink; who are done with life before +they have ever begun to live. What a price they +have paid for booze! Can any boy look at a +drunken sot, dirty, poor, despised, and think that +the pleasure that he has got out of drink has paid +for what it cost him?</p> + +<p>And the girls. The girls who are mad for gaiety, +crazy for the admiration of men; the girls who go on +drinking parties, who indulge in petting parties, who +joy-ride until all hours of the night, who let men +kiss and fondle them because that is the price that +men demand for taking them out. How cheaply +they sell themselves! Many a girl pays with shame +and disgrace that follow her to the longest day she +lives for a single wild party. They buy their fun +high, these girls who exchange for it their self-respect, +their modesty, their maidenly innocence and +their good names.</p> + +<p>The family quarrel. That is a domestic luxury +for which we have to pay so dearly that it is never +worth the cost. Undoubtedly, when one is feeling +cross, and irritable, and disgruntled, there is a certain<span class="pagenum" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</span> +luxury in letting go all of one’s self-control, +and turning one’s temper loose, and stabbing right +and left with cruel words that wound like dagger +thrusts. Also it salves one’s own conscience to lay +the blame for everything that goes wrong on some +one else. Therefore, many husbands and wives go +on a daily orgy of nerves and temper. They vent +their spleen against life on each other. They say +to each other all the mean and hateful things that +they are too politic to say to strangers.</p> + +<p>But the price they pay! It bankrupts them. +For they kill each other’s love. They slay each +other’s respect. They inevitably come to hate each +other and to cherish secret grudges, born of insult +and injustice. There is no peace nor tenderness in +their homes and their marriages either end in divorce +or become long drawn out misery. What a price to +pay for the lack of a little self-control!</p> + +<p>Extravagance. The price of indulging yourself +in your youth in the things that you cannot afford +is poverty and dependence in your old age. The +woman who cannot resist pretty clothes. The +woman who is bitten by the society bug and who +tries to keep up with people better off than she is. +The man who belongs to lodges, when he can’t pay +the rent collector. The man who buys an automobile +and a radio on the instalment plan. They will +pay, as sure as fate, for gratifying the desire of +the moment by long years of bitter dependence.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</span> +Twenty or thirty years from now they will be down +and out, and they will either be in almshouses or the +hangers on of relatives, who resent having to take +care of Poor Uncle John or Cousin Susan. Or they +will be burdens on their children, who are having all +they can do to take care of their own families.</p> + +<p>The highest priced cars in the world are not the +gold-plated, satin-lined jewel boxes made for millionaires. +They are the cheap little cars bought by +the people who cannot afford them and who have to +go into debt for them.</p> + +<p>And there is the price the lazy pay for shiftlessness. +And the price the mother pays who lets her +children roam the streets while she plays bridge or +goes to clubs. And the price the sarcastic pay who +alienate a friend for the sake of making a witty +speech. There are a thousand other little gratifications +of a mood or inclination, the desire of a moment, +that we pay for with tears, with loneliness, +with failure, with our very heart’s blood. What a +pity we don’t count the cost of things before we +indulge ourselves in them!</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="LIV">LIV<br> +<span class="fs70">THE IDEAL MOTHER</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">A woman</span> asks: “What qualities should the +ideal mother possess?”</p> + +<p>To begin with, a mother should have +love, and tenderness, and sympathy, and be willing +to sacrifice herself for her children. These are the +stock virtues of motherhood, and virtually all mothers +possess them. But they alone do not make a +woman a good mother. Often they do as much +harm as good, for you can ruin a child by blind +devotion. You can enfeeble it by too much tenderness. +You can make it a selfish egotist and an overbearing +brute by making yourself a doormat for it +to walk over. So to love, tenderness, sympathy and +unselfishness the ideal mother must add other qualities, +and the most important of these is the ability +to see her job as a whole and to realize that she is +responsible for the finished goods that she turns out.</p> + +<p>Not many mothers have this vision; or, rather, +they shut their eyes and refuse to see that the molding +of their children’s characters, the settling of +their destinies, is in their own hands. They let a +high-tempered child grow up undisciplined and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</span> +without teaching it any self-control. They let a +slothful, lazy one grow up without forming habits +of industry. They never teach a self-indulgent, +greedy child to curb its appetite. They spoil and +pamper their children, and then they say that they +“hope” their children will turn out all right!</p> + +<p>The ideal mother knows that you form children’s +characters in the cradle, and so she does not trust +to luck with her youngsters. She begins when they +are babies to teach them self-control, and thrift, and +industry, and all the principles of right living. The +ideal mother must have a backbone. Unfortunately, +most mothers permit their hearts to crowd out their +spinal column until they have no more backbone +than a fishing worm. This is why you hear women +say despairingly that they can’t do a thing with +their 10-year-old child.</p> + +<p>It takes nerve, and grit, and determination, and +courage to fight self-willed youngsters, and mother +is too soft to do it. So she gives in rather than +listen to her baby’s howls of rage or go through the +struggle of conquering a disobedient child. And +the inevitable result is that her children have a contempt +for her as a weakling, and ride roughshod +over her, and become the outbreaking young hoodlums +who fill our jails and brothels.</p> + +<p>The ideal mother is a human being. She doesn’t +pose before her children as a plaster saint or an +oracle on a pedestal. One of the reasons why children<span class="pagenum" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</span> +do not confide in their parents is because the +average father and mother pretend that they were +such models of all the virtues when they were young +that their children feel they have nothing in common +with them and that they wouldn’t understand +how a boy or girl feels who wants to do all sorts of +foolish things.</p> + +<p>How can a girl tell her mother that a boy kissed +her, if mother represents herself as Miss Prunes and +Prisms, and says that when <em>she</em> was young girls +never skylarked, and never went on joy-rides or to +cabarets, or held hands in the movies, but spent a +pleasant evening sitting up in the parlor in the +presence of their elders discussing improving +topics?</p> + +<p>It is the human mothers who can sympathize +with their children’s desire for good times and help +them to them; who will stretch a point to get a girl +a new frock or a boy the fraternity pin he craves, +who get well enough acquainted with their children +to really help them and guard them.</p> + +<p>The ideal mother has a sense of proportion. She +doesn’t see her ducklings as swans. Her love doesn’t +blind her to her children’s faults and blemishes. +Rather it sharpens her vision, so that she gets a +line on them as they really are. Thereby she is +enabled to help them make the most of such gifts +as they have. She sees that Tom is brilliant but +unstable and lacking in purpose, and she holds him<span class="pagenum" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</span> +to whatever he undertakes to do until she forms the +habit of steadfastness in him. She sees that John +is dull but a plodder, and she trains him for some +occupation in which quickness of mind is not demanded +and in which the prizes go to faithfulness +and hard work. She sees that Mary is intelligent +but homely, and lacking the charms that allure men, +so she gives her some occupation by which she can +make a good living for herself and which will fill her +life with interest. And this sense of proportion +keeps her from making her children ridiculous by +bragging about them, and boring every one with +whom she comes in contact with endless stories of +what wonderful and marvelous creatures they are, +and how, wherever they go, they are the cynosure +of all eyes and the admiration of all beholders.</p> + +<p>Finally, the ideal mother should have a sense of +humor that will enable her to laugh instead of cry +over many of her children’s peccadilloes and keep +her from taking them too seriously. For the thing +that ails young people is chiefly youth, and they will +get over that if you will give them a little time. Because +they are idle, irresponsible, pleasure-loving, +dance-mad, girl and boy crazy is no reason for +prophesying dismal things about them and wringing +your hands in despair. It is a passing phase of life +at which we elders may well grin, remembering the +time when we also were young and foolish. An old +woman who had raised up a remarkable family of<span class="pagenum" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</span> +sons and daughters once gave me this as her recipe +for bringing up children: “Kiss them when they are +good. Spank them when they’re bad and teach them +to obey you.” That is the whole of the law and the +prophets.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="LV">LV<br> +<span class="fs70">HOW TO CATCH A WIFE</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">“You</span> are always telling girls how to catch husbands,” +says a young man. “Why don’t +you give us chaps a few tips about how to +get wives?”</p> + +<p>Well, son, perhaps I unconsciously favor women +because I belong to their lodge. Also, it is more +difficult for a woman to catch a husband than it is +for a man to get a wife, not only because women are +more inclined to matrimony than men are, but because +a woman’s pursuit of a man has to be stealthy +and secret and under cover, with all of her tracks +carefully hidden and her purposes veiled, whereas a +man can go after a woman openly and aboveboard, +with everybody looking on and applauding the chase. +Therefore, the woman is more in need of any stray +hints that may improve her technique than the man +is. Still, far be it from me to withhold from my +brothers any information I may have about the short +cuts to the feminine heart. So to the really earnest +seeker after knowledge on this subject I would say:</p> + +<p>First. Study your girl. Catalogue her. Find +out to what type she belongs and adapt your tactics<span class="pagenum" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</span> +to the situation, for all women no more rise to the +same line of courtship than all fish bite at the same +bait. There are some feminine hearts that can only +be taken by assault and battery and others that surrender +to patient siege. There are women whose love +is for sale to the highest bidder and others who +bestow it in pity. There are women who like a +business proposition and women who fall only for the +romantic wooing. So there you are, and your success +will depend upon your ability to psychoanalyze +the particular woman and upon the skill with which +you suggest to her that you are the great unsatisfied +need of her soul.</p> + +<p>If the girl is of the clear-eyed, upstanding, competent +business type, your best method of winning her +is by the good, old, well-tried Platonic friendship +method. She isn’t anxious to exchange a mahogany +desk for a kitchen range nor to give up a good pay +envelope and an easy job to toil for some man for +nothing. Likewise, she has worked with men too +long for her to see any rosy halo around the masculine +brow, so she is pretty apt to shy off at any suggestion +of marriage and balk at the thought of the +altar. But life lacks savor to every woman without +masculine society, and so this particular type of +woman is especially allured by the idea of a beautiful +and satisfying friendship with some man. And +when a chap has got his toe that far into the door<span class="pagenum" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</span> +to a woman’s heart it is his own fault if he does not +open it all the way.</p> + +<p>Only there is this word of warning: Never pop +the question to the business girl in the morning of a +sunshiny day when she has on a new frock and a +good hat and everything is going swimmingly at the +office and she feels fit and fine and ready to buck the +world. Instead, choose a rainy evening, when she is +sitting alone at home, dejected and forlorn, when she +is tired and the boss has been grumpy. Then the +thing she wants most on earth is just a nice, strong +masculine shoulder to cry on.</p> + +<p>If the girl you want is a flapper, your best ally +is your bankbook. All you need to look good to her +is to be a good spender and a fast worker. Hold +not your hand and count not the cost of jewelry and +trinketry and candy and flowers and cabarets and +eats and joy-rides, and remember that the man with +the longest purse wins. Some day she will jazz with +you to the preacher, and you will live scrappily ever +afterward.</p> + +<p>If the girl upon whom your affections are set is a +demure little Puritan, make her your Mother Confessor. +Confide to her all your sins, real and imaginary. +Invent a dark past for her benefit. Make +her believe that but for her Sacred Influence you +would become an abandoned character and that she +alone can lead you up to the higher life. All women +have the reformation complex, and the better they<span class="pagenum" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</span> +are and the less they know of the world the harder +they fall for the belief that a grown man’s character +is like a piece of dough that they can mold into any +shape they please. Once let a girl get the idea into +her head that she is responsible for your soul, and +she is yours for the taking.</p> + +<p>If the girl you want is one that you made mud pies +with in childhood and went to school with, and who +refuses to see you in a sentimental light, don’t be +discouraged by her telling you that she will be a +sister to you. Just keep right on strutting your +Rachel-and-Jacob stuff. Mighty few women can +resist that. Make yourself a habit with the girl. +Make yourself necessary to her happiness and comfort +by always paying her the little attentions that +women like. Fetch and carry for her. Be the one +person in the world she can always depend upon to +make life pleasant and agreeable for her.</p> + +<p>Then suddenly drop her cold. Begin paying furious +attentions to some woman she always accuses of +being made up and older than she looks and an artful +hussy, and it is a hundred-to-one bet that she will +call you back and let you see that her feelings toward +you were not at all what she had supposed they +were. For when she thinks you are about to marry +another woman she will wake up to the fact that life +will be cinders, ashes and dust without you.</p> + +<p>If the girl you desire is one of the morbid sort who +hangs between “I will” and “I won’t,” who is always<span class="pagenum" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</span> +vivisecting her heart and taking her emotional temperature, +what you need to use is caveman methods. +She is just dying to have you drag her to the altar +by the hair of her head, and if you are half a man +you will do it. Don’t ever ask that kind of a woman +to marry you. Tell her you are going to marry her +and that you have the license and the ring in your +pocket and are on the way to the chapel with her, and +you will give her a thrill that will last a lifetime.</p> + +<p>These are only a few of the many ways to win a +wife. It is dead easy, and any man can do it who has +gumption enough to work out a cross-word puzzle.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="LVI">LVI<br> +<span class="fs70">DANGEROUS GIRLS</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">Chief</span> among the women from whom a young +man should pray his guardian angel to deliver +him is the Hinting Girl. She is a gentle +grafter who holds up every man she meets with a pair +of innocent-looking blue eyes that bid him stand and +deliver just as effectually and efficiently as if he +were looking down the barrels of a couple of blue-nosed +revolvers in the hands of a highway robber. +You will find these cheerful workers, son, where you +least expect them. The very highest society is filled +with girls of undisputed position and unquestioned +morals, who ruthlessly plunder every man they meet, +and you will never encounter an individual more to +be feared than these bandits of the parlor.</p> + +<p>Did you ever wonder why one girl receives so many +more presents than another, and why every man who +passes lays some offering on her shrine? Take it +from me, this is the result of science and not mere +chance. Observe, closely, and you will see, when you +call, that she steers the conversation artfully around +to the latest play, and before you know it you have +offered to take her to it.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</span></p> + +<p>Also, she has let you know that violets are her +favorite flower, and the date of her birthday. Before +Christmas she artlessly confides in you where +there is the jeweled vanity, or the hand-painted fan, +that she has set her heart upon, and she couldn’t +shout it at you any plainer if she bawled it to you +through a megaphone that she expects you to come +across, and will think you a piker if you don’t.</p> + +<p>Beware the Hinting Girl, son. She is the woman +who is accessory before the crime of half of the embezzlements +of trusted clerks who go wrong, and who, +if she got her deserts, would stand in the prisoners’ +dock by the side of the poor, weak, trembling boy +who has stolen to buy her jewels or to give her a +good time. And she makes the sort of wife whose husband +rises up and sits down to a never-ending chant +of “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!”</p> + +<p>Then there’s the Girl With a Past. Very often she +has been more sinned against than sinning. Probably +her morals are just as good as your own, son; +but, even so, such marriages rarely turn out happily. +For we have to face the naked fact that, while a man +may love a woman well enough to forget and forgive +her indiscretions, society, which is not in love with +her, remembers them all. And it reminds her husband +that it recalls them. The man who marries a +Woman With a Past is pretty much in the same fix +as the man who hires a reformed embezzler to be his +cashier. He hopes he will run straight, but he keeps<span class="pagenum" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</span> +an eye on the cash box—a situation which doesn’t +make for domestic felicity. Of course, there are +women who reform and gather in their wild oats crops +and ever after raise nothing but garden truck around +their doorstep, but even while their husbands are +devouring their domestic cabbages and onions there +rarely comes a family spat in which they do not +throw in their wives’ teeth the kind of farmers they +have been. The truth is that it takes a big man and +woman to defy the conventions. That is what makes +it safest for those of us who are little people to play +the game according to the rules laid down by Hoyle. +And one of these rules is that women must keep their +skirts clean. By and large it is a good rule, son, +for it means the purity of race, the integrity of society +and a lot of other things that keep this old world +going.</p> + +<p>Then there’s the Weeping Girl. Whenever you +meet with a gentle, sweet, soft, babyish-looking little +girl, with a chin that trembles and big eyes that overflow +with tears at the slightest provocation, and who +can cry without her nose getting red, fly, son, fly. +She will fasten herself upon you, and when you try +to make a getaway she will cling to you and weep. +And no man can behold unmoved a woman crying +for him, because he is such a good thing. You will +stop to wipe her eyes; and all will be over with you +except the long, long years of rainy matrimony when +you will have to deal with a wife who cannot be<span class="pagenum" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</span> +reasoned with or cajoled or coerced into doing anything +she doesn’t want to do, because you will be so +afraid of starting another freshet of tears.</p> + +<p>Then there’s the Domestic Girl, who baits her hook +with angels’ food. You might go farther and do +worse than marry the Domestic Girl, for while romance +is transient one’s appetite remains, and after +one’s illusions are gone it is a comfortable thing to +have a good dinner to fall back upon. Still, one +must confess, the Domestic Girl is apt to have only +a bread-and-butter conversation, of which a man +might tire in time; so, unless your stomach is developed +in excess of your heart, walk warily when the +Domestic Girl begins to inveigle you into little meals +for two that she cooks for you under a pink-shaded +lamp.</p> + +<p>Lastly, there is the girl who is just near you—the +girl you work with, or who lives in the same boarding +house with you, or who comes to visit your sister. +Men who have escaped the dangers of all other women +are the victims of propinquity which unites them to +ladies they couldn’t otherwise have seen through a +telescope. Somehow our very nearness to the people +with whom we are thrown every day keeps us from +getting a perspective on their faults and disabilities, +and habit deceives us into thinking that they are more +necessary to us than they are. And so we drift into +the mismated marriages that keep the divorce courts<span class="pagenum" id="Page_287">[Pg 287]</span> +busy and the world salted down with the brine of +our tears.</p> + +<p>Therefore, if you perceive that Mamie, whom you +thought vulgar at first, no longer gets on your +nerves; if you observe that Sadie, who bored you +when you first met her, is beginning to interest you +with her chatter about what “he said” and “I said,” +and you discover that you have quit being shocked +by Carrie’s gum-chewing and Mabel’s grammar, then, +son, pack your trunk and leave while the leaving is +good. Otherwise, the Girl Next to You will get you +sure.</p> + +<p>But why amplify the list? Some day a girl will +tag you, and you will know you are “it,” and a million +warnings could not save you from your fate.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="LVII">LVII<br> +<span class="fs70">WHEN A GIRL LOVES A MAN</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">A youth</span> asks me how he can tell whether a +girl loves him or not. Well, son, you can’t +always tell. There are times when all signs +fail, and there is no man so clever, so discerning, so +sophisticated that a woman cannot fool him if she +set her mind to doing so. For the many generations +in which women were entirely subservient to men, and +in which they had to get everything they had out of +men, and in which all their pleasures and perquisites +depended on their wheedling and cajoling men, have +made them gifted liars and adept at befooling men.</p> + +<p>However, the modern girl, being able to make her +own living, and stand upon her own feet, and therefore +being to a large degree independent of men, has +less need to simulate emotions which she does not +feel, and so she has lost the fine technique of her +mother and her grandmother and her great-great-great +grandmother. Flirting has become a lost art, +and the methods of the gold-digger are so crude and +raw that any man who is taken in by one deserves +all he gets. The average girl is almost brutally frank<span class="pagenum" id="Page_289">[Pg 289]</span> +about the state of her feelings. She hasn’t even +subtlety enough about her to keep a man guessing.</p> + +<p>But there is, of course, a sort of no-man’s land +that lies between liking and loving in which the girl +wanders, herself as uncertain and bewildered as you +are. And, I take it, it is across this dangerous terrain +that you wish to be guided. Sally is dear and +sweet to you. She apparently enjoys your society, +and you never have any trouble in making dates with +her. She is the best little pal ever. But what you +want to know is whether she cares for you just as +she does for half a dozen other chaps, or whether you +are the ONLY ONE.</p> + +<p>First, Is she willing to sit at home of an evening +with you or not? If she comes down with her hat +on to receive you, or if she always wants to step out +somewhere, you have not touched her heart. She +regards you merely as a purveyor of good times, a +theater ticket and a dancing partner, and any other +youth who had the price would do as well. But +things have got serious with her when she proposes +to spend the evening at home under a pink-shaded +lamp. That shows that she has begun to live a +romance with more thrills to it than anything she +can see depicted on the stage, and that she thinks +that Valentino is a poor dub at love-making compared +to you. Also it indicates that she desires to +isolate you, to cut you out from the herd and put +her brand upon you. Cupid is essentially a monopolist.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_290">[Pg 290]</span> +Especially the Lady Cupid. The first thing that +a woman does when she falls in love with a man is to +try to shut him away from all other women. So +long as a girl wants to go in crowds there is nothing +doing with her in the love line. If she really cares for +you, she will maneuver to get you off to herself.</p> + +<p>Next. Observe how a girl treats your pocketbook. +If she gets everything out of you that she can; if, +when you go out, she has to have a taxi to convey +her three blocks, although she can walk ten miles +around a department store without turning a hair; +if she always suggests orchids when flowers are mentioned, +and invariably picks out the most expensive +places to dance and the highest-priced dishes on the +menu, you may be certain that she has no serious intentions +concerning you. You are merely the good +thing that a merciful Providence has brought forward +for her sustenance. But when a girl begins to +talk economy to a boy; when she suggests going to +the movies instead of to the theatre; when she orders +a ham sandwich instead of a chicken breast and mushrooms +under glass, it is an unmistakable sign that +she is regarding his bankroll as her own and is commencing +to save up for furniture for her future +home.</p> + +<p>Next—and this is an acid test—talk to the girl +about yourself and observe her reaction to it. Monologue +along to her by the hour about what you are +doing, about what you have done in the past and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_291">[Pg 291]</span> +what you expect to do in the future. Tell her all +about what you said to the boss and what the boss +said to you. Explain to her all the details of the +grocery business. Regale her with reminiscences of +your childhood, when you were a fat little boy with +green freckles on your hands.</p> + +<p>If she yawns in your face or if she listens with the +expression of a martyr being nailed to the cross; if +she gets up and walks around the room or turns on +the radio or interrupts you to ask what you think of +the President’s foreign policy, you may as well abandon +hope. Her affection is merely gold plated, not +the real thing. But if she laps up your talk about +yourself and asks for more; if she begs you to repeat +that darling story of how naughty you were to your +nurse, and if she sits, goggle-eyed with excitement, +on the edge of her chair while you relate how you +sold a bill of goods to a hard customer, rest assured +that her heart is yours for keeps. For there are only +two women in the world, a man’s mother and the +woman who is his wife or hopes to be his wife, who +want to hear him talk about himself.</p> + +<p>Take note also of a girl’s attitude toward you. +As long as she regards you as an intelligent, husky, +able-bodied man, capable of taking care of yourself +and with sense enough to come in out of the rain, her +regard for you is merely platonic. But when a girl +suddenly becomes anxious about the state of your +health, when she worries over your getting your feet<span class="pagenum" id="Page_292">[Pg 292]</span> +wet and is afraid you are not getting enough vitamines +in your diet, when she warns you not to forget +to put on your overcoat if it is cold and to look out +for automobiles when you cross the street, then it +is safe to begin pricing engagement rings.</p> + +<p>Of course, there are other signs of love, such as a +girl developing an acute attack of domesticity and +passing up the display of French frocks in a window +for that of aluminum pots and pans, and especially +when she begins dragging a man to church with +her, which are not to be ignored. But when a maiden +begins to mother a chap and indicates that her idea +of spending a perfectly hilarious evening is just to +be alone with him, listening to him talk about himself, +she is his for the taking.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_293">[Pg 293]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="LVIII">LVIII<br> +<span class="fs70">MARRIAGE LESSONS</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">What</span> has marriage taught you?</p> + +<p>“The chief thing that marriage has +taught me,” said a man who has had forty +years of experience in matrimony, “is that women are +human beings. When a man acquires that piece of +information it always gives him a bit of a jolt, for +most men never really think of women as human beings +at all. They think, according to their kind, of +women as angels, above all earthly passions, with no +nerves or tempers, or selfish cravings for pleasure +and who find their joy in life in loving the unlovable +and forgiving the unforgivable and being a sweet, +gooey, sticky mass of gentleness and patience and +unselfishness. Or they think of women as being baby +dolls to be dressed up and played with and put on +the shelf when they are tired of them. Or they think +of women as pieces of household machinery—sort of +automatic, self-starting cooks and carpet sweepers +and washers and menders, who run on their own +power and who don’t even have to be oiled up with a +few lubricating words of praise now and then.</p> + +<p>“And so husbands treat their wives according to<span class="pagenum" id="Page_294">[Pg 294]</span> +their conception of what women are, and that is +why marriage is so often a failure and why there are +so many divorces. Women don’t want to be regarded +either as saints or toys or domestic conveniences. +They want to be treated as human beings and have +their husbands give them the same sort of a square +deal a man gives his business partner.</p> + +<p>“About nine-tenths of the spats that married people +have are over money. It gets on the husband’s +nerves to have the woman eternally dunning him for +money. It seems to him that before he gets his hat +off in the evening she begins asking for a few dollars +for this and for that. Then the bills come in, and +they are always bigger than he expected, and he +rows about it, and she thinks that he is stingy.</p> + +<p>“The trouble is that the man isn’t treating his +wife like a rational human being. He is expecting +her to be a miracle worker and run a house on air. +He is humiliating her and making her feel that he is +a tyrant by making her come like a beggar to him +for every penny because he has got an idea that +women don’t mind panhandling. Furthermore, he is +expecting her to gauge her expenditures wisely, when +she hasn’t the faintest idea of what her resources +are.</p> + +<p>“I have found out that it saves friction over +money to make my wife as liberal an allowance as I +can. I have found out that if you will explain to a +woman just exactly how the financial situation stands<span class="pagenum" id="Page_295">[Pg 295]</span> +in the family and why you can’t afford the thing she +wants she will not only do without it gladly but cut +down her expenses in other ways and help you to save. +It is believing that their husbands are holding out on +them and not splitting fifty-fifty with them that +makes women reckless spenders.</p> + +<p>“And I have found that a man is a fool who lies +to his wife. In the end she always catches up with +him, and then she imagines things ten times worse +than they were. If a man telephones his wife that +he is going to stay downtown and meet a customer +from Oshkosh and she learns that he really played +poker with the boys she pictures a scene of wild debauchery +and leaps to the conclusion that he is leading +the double life and he never hears the last of it. +But if he tells her just what he is going to do she is +so flattered at being trusted and thought broadminded +enough not to begrudge her husband an evening’s +pleasure that she goes to bed and goes to +sleep instead of waiting up for him with a curtain +lecture sizzling in her mind.</p> + +<p>“Marriage has taught me that women think more +of words than they do of deeds and that a woman +would rather have her husband tell her that he loves +her than to have him work his fingers to the bone for +her and never make her a soft speech. As long as +a husband tells his wife how beautiful she is and +how he would like to deck her out in diamonds and +sables she is perfectly content to do without them<span class="pagenum" id="Page_296">[Pg 296]</span> +and wear hand-me-downs. It is only when she thinks +that he doesn’t care whether she has fine clothes or +not that she gets peevish over not having the finery +that other women have.</p> + +<p>“Marriage has taught me that in the family circle +the hammer is a boomerang that returns and annihilates +the hammerer. If you knock your wife’s cooking +she says, ‘What’s the use of trying to please +you?’ and makes no effort to improve; but if you +praise her dinners she breaks her neck trying to +make them better and better. If you criticize the +size of the bills she revenges herself by buying something +that really cost money; but if you tell her +what a help she is to you and what a marvelous manager, +she becomes a nickel-nurser.</p> + +<p>“If you find fault with her hat or her dress, you +have to buy her a new one; but if you tell her how +becoming her last year’s costume is and how it +brings out her lines, she will wear it into shreds. +Marriage has taught me that if you let your wife +know that you admire her and appreciate her, that +you are grateful to her for all that she does for you +and that you try to do all in your power to make her +happy, she will repay you a thousandfold and there +is nothing she won’t do for you and no fault she +won’t overlook in you.”</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_297">[Pg 297]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="LIX">LIX<br> +<span class="fs70">THE SUPERIOR BUSINESS WOMAN</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">The</span> other day a man killed his beautiful +young wife because she was a better “business +man” than he was and made more +money. The woman loved her husband and was good +to him. She was ambitious for him. She got him a +job with the people for whom she worked and tried +to push him along and help him in every way. But +it simply was not in him to be the go-getter that she +was. She was a success and he was a failure. And +in the frenzy of morbid jealousy that this engendered +in him, he slew her.</p> + +<p>Thus vividly do we have brought to our attention +one of the new difficulties that the advent of women +into the business world has injected into the already +complicated matrimonial proposition. It makes the +question of how the modern wife can best be a helpmeet +to her husband one that takes a Solomon in +petticoats to answer. In olden times the matter was +perfectly simple. The woman who wanted to help +her husband along had only to be a good and thrifty +manager, to pare the potatoes thin enough and +squeeze the nickels. She did her part in building up<span class="pagenum" id="Page_298">[Pg 298]</span> +the family fortunes by saving. But, in many cases +to-day, the old woman’s granddaughter is a crackerjack +business woman who sees that she can help +her husband more by earning than by scrimping, and +that she can make more money in one year in business +than she could save in ten years by doing her +own housework and wearing shabby clothes. So, as +long as she is working for their common good, the +woman cannot understand why her husband shouldn’t +be just as willing for her to help him by working in +an office as in a kitchen, or why the wife who does +brain labor isn’t as good a wife as the one who does +manual labor.</p> + +<p>But the great majority of women who continue to +follow any gainful pursuit after marriage find out +that, while there is a new woman who looks at everything +in life from a new angle, there is no new man. +Women have changed in their relationship to man, +but men stand pat just where Adam did when it +comes to dealing with women.</p> + +<p>If you will notice, it is only women who prate +about equality between the sexes. Men take no stock +in any such heresy. When a man tells a woman that +she is an angel and that he looks up to her and worships +her, it is one of the lover’s perjuries at which +Jove laughs. In reality he doesn’t mean a word of +it. The very basic thing on which a man’s love for +a woman is built is his sense of superiority to her. +He wants to feel stronger than she is, wiser than she<span class="pagenum" id="Page_299">[Pg 299]</span> +is, to be more successful than she is. She must look +up to him, revere him, ask his opinion, be guided by +his advice.</p> + +<p>That is why the clinging-vine type of woman is so +appealing to men, and it is why intelligent, big-brained +men so often marry morons and are happy +and contented with them. Their silly little wives do +not understand one word in five they say and are no +companions to them, but they satisfy the masculine +demand to dominate the woman. When the case is +reversed, as it often is, and when the wife is the more +intelligent, the stronger character—when the gray +mare is the better horse and pulls most of the load—the +marriage is invariably unhappy, and the husband +almost invariably either openly or secretly hates his +wife. His love for her is never strong enough to +survive the hurt to his vanity. His sense of inferiority +to her keeps his nerves raw, and if he is dependent +upon her it turns his very soul to wormwood +and gall. I have never known a woman who +supported her husband who received any gratitude +for it. He would eat her bread, but he did it as a +snapping dog that bites the hand that feeds it.</p> + +<p>There is nothing that fills a woman’s cup of happiness +so full and overflowing as for her husband to +achieve a notable success and be great and famous. +She glories in being Mrs. Explorer or Mrs. Engineer +or Mrs. Banker or Mrs. Author, and loves to shine +in the reflected glory. But the deadliest insult you<span class="pagenum" id="Page_300">[Pg 300]</span> +can offer any man is to speak of him as his wife’s +husband and call him Mr. Mary Smith, although +Mary may have written the book of the year or have +performed some achievement that has made the world +sit up and take notice of her.</p> + +<p>Perhaps all of this is natural. Perhaps this cosmic +urge that the male has to dominate the female is +something instinctive for which he is not responsible.</p> + +<p>But it makes the woman’s course a hard one to +steer, for, curiously enough, the weak man is often +attracted to the strong woman, and there is something +maternal in the strong woman that wants to +mother the weak man and makes her feel that he only +needs her to take care of him and boost him and show +him the way to success.</p> + +<p>So the girl who is making a big salary marries the +man who is making a small one, and she tries to supply +for him the business sense he lacks and to galvanize +him into a hustle of which he is incapable, +and they live scrappily ever afterward. Yet there is +nothing we can do about it as long as nature goes +blundering along putting the brains and talents of +merchants and bankers and trust presidents into a +lot of women’s heads and making plenty of men who +would have been wonderful housekeepers and done +perfectly lovely embroidery work if only they hadn’t +got the wrong sex.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_301">[Pg 301]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="LX">LX<br> +<span class="fs70">NEW IDEALS FOR OLD</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">The</span> strangest thing in this age of strange +things is the new relationship that is growing +up between the sexes. So many of the +ideals that have ruled us for centuries have been +scrapped and swept into the discard that the boy +and girl babies of to-day are virtually born into a +new world where few of the conventions that ruled +their parents survive. Take the matter of financial +independence, for instance. Since the caveman days +it has been held that the proper attitude of woman +was one of dependence on her lord and master. The +woman bore the children and kept the house, and the +husband provided the wherewithal to support the +family. When a woman had property her husband +took possession of it on the day they were married. +Virtually every lucrative occupation was barred to +women. When a man and a woman went to any place +of amusement the man would have been highly insulted +if she had offered to pay any part of the cost +of the entertainment. Man was the purse bearer, +and his lordly gesture indicated that he had the +checking account of Mr. Rockefeller and that woman<span class="pagenum" id="Page_302">[Pg 302]</span> +was a dear little sweetie who was not to bother her +poor little foolish head over the cost of anything.</p> + +<p>To-day the majority of women earn their living +before they are married. Financial independence has +become so necessary to their happiness that one of +the potent sources of domestic discord is the inability +of the woman who has had her own pay envelope to +do without it and reconcile herself to taking whatever +her husband gives her as recompense for her hard +work as a poor man’s wife. Also husbands are coming +more and more to begrudge spending money on +their wives and are demanding oftener and oftener +that the wage-earning girls they marry shall keep on +with their jobs. Likewise, it is a common thing for +the young women who go out with young men to +places of amusement to pay their own way and go +fifty-fifty on all expenses.</p> + +<p>This may be fair enough. Certainly, when men and +women work side by side and the woman gets the +same salary as the man there is no more reason why +he should feed her and buy her theater tickets than +why she should buy his. Perhaps it is only logical +that when woman fought for and won financial independence +she should have to pay the price of her +victory. But what I am trying to show is that +man’s attitude toward woman as regards money has +changed. She has shown that she can make her own +living and he lets her do it. Even fathers have now +no such sense of responsibility about providing for<span class="pagenum" id="Page_303">[Pg 303]</span> +their daughters as they used to have. Men no longer +adopt the gallant “I’ll-pay-your-way” pose. They +treat women about money as they would treat another +man. Of course, the occupation of wifehood +and motherhood is a strenuous one and is all that +any woman can be expected to do properly, but it is +becoming more and more evident that men are less +willing to support their families and that in the +future women are going to have to continue to be +wage-earners even after they are married.</p> + +<p>Another curious shift of masculine thought is +about feminine modesty. In the past, no matter what +a man’s own life might have been, he demanded unsullied +innocence in the woman he married. His +ideal was the shrinking violet, the bud with the dew +upon it. In these days there are few peaches with the +down still left upon them. They have nearly all +been manhandled. Girls display their bodies with +an abandon that would have made the most hardened +woman blush fifty years ago. Debutantes tell stories +that would paralyze their grandmothers if they could +hear them. Young women think no more of kissing +every Tom, Dick and Harry who comes along and in +indulging in petting parties and “necking,” than +their mothers would have thought of shaking hands +and holding a casual conversation. Girls excuse +themselves for indulging in these dangerous and degrading +practises by saying that unless they do they +receive no attention from men. They speak the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_304">[Pg 304]</span> +truth. Men may still theoretically admire what they +call “the old-fashioned girl,” but they leave her to +spend her evenings with her parents. Few men in +these days can hope to marry a girl who has not been +kissed and pawed over, and so it is obvious that men +are changing their opinions about the desirability of +modesty in women and establishing a single standard +of conduct for both sexes. That is just, but it does +not make for morality or the uplift of humanity.</p> + +<p>Men and women both approach marriage in a different +spirit. In the back of most young people’s +heads as they march to the altar is the thought that +if they don’t like it they won’t stick to it. It is an +experiment, and they will try anything once, and if +it doesn’t come up to what the novelists and poets +have press-agented it to be they can always fly to +the divorce court. That is one reason why marriage +is so often a failure. Neither husband nor wife makes +an honest effort to make a success of it. Of course, +there are exceptions to all rules. There are husbands +who gladly support their families; there are girls +who have kept themselves unsullied and their lips +virginal; there are men and women who still hold marriage +a sacrament. But for the great majority of +men and women there are new ideals and a new attitude +toward each other. And whether these are +better or worse than the old only time can tell.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_305">[Pg 305]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="LXI">LXI<br> +<span class="fs70">WHY DIVORCE IS COMMON</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">When</span> we hear about a couple getting a divorce +on the grounds of incompatibility of +temper we instinctively feel that it is too +trivial a reason for breaking up a home and we condemn +them as poor sports who did not have enough +grit to carry on and make the best of their bargain. +If it had been something big, now—drunkenness, the +drug habit, infidelity—if the husband had been a +brute who beat his wife, or the wife a virago, we +could have sympathized with them. But just to get +a divorce because they didn’t think alike on politics +and religion and hadn’t the same taste in pie. Pooh! +Quitters. A yellow streak. We’ve no pity for them.</p> + +<p>Yet when you come to think of it, is there really +anything else in the whole wide world that comes so +near to justifying divorce as incompatibility of temper? +Is there any other such good reason for a man +and woman parting and going their separate ways as +the fact that they have not one thought or desire or +interest in common? And is there any other torture +comparable with having to live in intimate daily contact +with a person who continually rubs your fur the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_306">[Pg 306]</span> +wrong way, who gets on your nerves, who rasps your +sensibilities and keeps you in a perpetual bad humor? +It is a lot easier to forgive an occasional big fault +than it is to put up with never-ending petty irritations. +The big sinners at least take a day off from +their vices now and then, but the little sinners who +sin against our habits and ideals and conventions are +always on the job. So when you think of this and +consider the difficulties there are in the way of every +man and woman who get married adjusting themselves +to each other, you are not surprised that divorce +is so common. You only wonder that it isn’t +universal.</p> + +<p>Here are two persons of different sexes, doomed +by nature to look at everything from different standpoints +and to react differently to every situation. +Back of them is a different heredity, often a different +race. In their veins flow alien currents of blood. +They have been brought up with different standards, +in different schools of thought. Different habits have +been bred in them. They worship different gods and +at different altars and eat different dishes.</p> + +<p>What marvel that such a couple come to grief on +the rocks of incompatibility of temper! The miracle +of it is that any of them have the wit and wisdom to +steer around it. But the terrible and pathetic thing +about it is that in hundreds of these cases in which +husbands and wives live a cat-and-dog life and make +each other perfectly miserable, or else break their<span class="pagenum" id="Page_307">[Pg 307]</span> +marriage vows, nobody is really to blame. Each is +perfectly right from his or her standpoint, only they +can’t agree. They can’t adjust themselves to each +other. The woman who has been brought up in a +happy-go-lucky household, where the only use any +one saw for a dollar was to spend it as quickly as +possible, where meals were movable feasts that were +as likely to happen at one hour as another, is a thorn +in the side of a husband who has been trained from +his youth up to make a fetich of thrift, order and +promptness.</p> + +<p>On the other hand, the woman whose mother has +brought her up to make a sacred rite of cleanliness +and who scrubs the back of every kitchen shelf and +regards a chair out of place or ashes on the rug as +a high crime and misdemeanor, is fretted into nervous +prostration by a husband who never can be taught +to wipe his feet on the doormat or kept from mussing +up the best sofa cushion.</p> + +<p>There are women who die of broken hearts, frozen +to death by the coldness of their husbands. They +have come from warm-hearted, demonstrative families. +They have been accustomed to having a fuss +made over them and to seeing their father’s loverlike +attentions to their mother, and they think that +their husbands do not love them, because they never +tell them so. They cannot understand the dumb, repressed +temperament that is utterly incapable of +showing what it feels. Then there is the gay, pleasure-loving<span class="pagenum" id="Page_308">[Pg 308]</span> +man who likes to dance and dine in restaurants +and jazz; the good fellow whom everybody +likes and who has holes in his pockets that no wife’s +economy can ever sew up. What superhuman wisdom +and patience it takes in a woman to keep from +nagging him if she has been brought up in an austere +family that frowned on all frivolous amusements and +whose watchword was duty instead of good times!</p> + +<p>Then there is the eternal conflict over little trivial +personal habits and ways, over things as small as +cooking. Irvin Cobb said once that the Civil War +was fought not over secession or slavery but over +hot bread and cold bread. Certainly many thirty or +forty-year family wars are waged over what strength +the breakfast coffee shall be and the use of onions +in the soup. And certainly it is no trivial matter for +one accustomed to a sophisticated, highly cultured +cuisine to have to insult your palate with plain, ignorant, +boiled food because the partner of your +bosom has had his or her early education in eating +neglected. Probably no woman who has been reared +in the belief that one’s good clothes should be kept +for company and that any sort of old messy duds +were good enough for home consumption can realize +the disgust she inspires in her husband’s breast when +she comes down to breakfast in a boudoir cap and a +soiled kimono and no complexion if he is of the fastidious +sort to whom slovenliness is a mortal sin.</p> + +<p>These little things—the niceties of life that one<span class="pagenum" id="Page_309">[Pg 309]</span> +has been taught to observe and the other hasn’t, the +order and thrift one has been bred to and the other +hasn’t, the difference in point of view, in taste, in +habit—make the inevitable friction between husbands +and wives which is at the bottom of almost +every divorce. And when you think how hard it is +to give up our old opinions and ways of doing things, +the wonder is that so many persons are able to do +it and that so many couples do adjust themselves to +each other and get along in reasonable peace and +harmony.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_310">[Pg 310]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="LXII">LXII<br> +<span class="fs70">THE CHILDREN PAY</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">No</span> disinterested outsider ever observes the +spats in which so many husbands and wives +continually engage without realizing that +they quarrel because they enjoy doing so. It is an +indoor sport out of which they get a morbid thrill. +Domestic life has become dull and monotonous to +them. They have nothing new and interesting to say +to each other, and so one or the other starts something +by making a remark that he or she knows is +the fighting word that will inevitably precipitate a +scrimmage. And then they go to it, hammer and +tongs. It is their way of putting pep into a pepless +day, for they know the danger they are running, and +the very fact that they are risking their whole life’s +happiness crisps their nerves, as going over the top +did the soldiers in the war. Besides which they get a +strange and savage joy out of stabbing with cruel +words and in wounding and being wounded by the +ones they love and who love them.</p> + +<p>It is because married couples love a fight for the +fight’s sake that so many homes are nothing but a +battlefield on which a perpetual warfare goes on.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_311">[Pg 311]</span> +Otherwise the dove of peace would roost on the roof +of many a household to which the black flag is now +nailed. For it is folly to say that the average husband +and wife who are forever engaged in an acrimonious +debate over every trifle that comes up could +not get along with each other if they desired to do +so. They get along with other persons. They make +allowance for the prejudices and faults of others. +They permit other persons to differ from them on +matters of opinion and taste. They sidestep other +persons’ peculiarities. They control their tempers +and their tongues when they are dealing with others. +They are tactful and diplomatic in handling other +persons. No doctor would ever have another patient, +no merchant another customer, no man could hold his +job if he was as irritable, as grouchy, as high tempered +abroad as many a man is at home, and if he +said the insulting things to other persons that he +says to his wife. No woman would ever be invited to +another bridge party or elected president of the sewing +society if she were as much of a spitfire in public +as many a woman is in private, and if she said the +nasty things to others that she says to her husband.</p> + +<p>Now, the rules for keeping the peace are the same +everywhere, and both men and women are familiar +with them. Every man knows that there isn’t a +woman living that he can’t make eat out of his hand +by showing her a few attentions, a little tenderness +and consideration and paying her a few compliments.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_312">[Pg 312]</span> +Every woman knows that there isn’t a man +that she can’t jolly along the way she wants him to +go and who does not respond to judiciously applied +salve. So when husbands and wives, who know perfectly +well how to work each other without friction, +deliberately and with malice aforethought rub each +other the wrong way, it is obviously because they +enjoy their daily dozen fracases and find fun in seeing +the fur fly. If that were the end of it, we might well +shrug our shoulders and, while wondering at their +taste, leave them to take their pleasure as they saw +fit in the cruel pastime of baiting each other. But, +unfortunately, the family spat is not the innocent +diversion that husbands and wives appear to think it +is, nor does it end when the husband puts on his hat +and bangs the door behind him and goes downtown, +and the wife wipes away a tear or two and goes about +her daily tasks.</p> + +<p>The children are the real victims in these family +fights. It is they who stumble from the domestic +battleground with shattered nerves, with torn and +bleeding spirits and souls, with maimed and deformed +characters. All of us have known children who have +taken to the streets almost as soon as they could +walk to escape homes that were full of bickering and +discord. We have seen how little control the fathers +and mothers who could not control their own tempers +had over their children, and we have not wondered +when truant officers tell us that nine-tenths of the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_313">[Pg 313]</span> +wayward girls and hoodlum boys are the children of +divorced parents, or else, of parents who did not get +along together. Now comes a great psychiatrist who +asserts that he has never known an instance of nervous +breakdown in the children of happily married +parents who were brought up in a peaceful home.</p> + +<p>Read that over again. Memorize it, you fathers +and mothers who begin the day by having a row at +the breakfast table because the coffee isn’t just as +you like it or the toast is burnt or you neglected to +send up the coal yesterday and forgot to leave the +money for the milkman. You think it is of no consequence +because your wife knows you don’t mean half +of what you say and she is fighting back more from +force of habit than anything else. But neither one +of you gives a thought to the children who are listening +to it all, to the children who are learning to regard +you with contempt, who are having all their +illusions shattered; whom you are teaching to be bitter +and misanthropic, with no faith in anything beautiful +or fine. You do not realize that you may not +only be giving them a warp in character that will +bar them from success in life, but that you may be +actually dooming them to a breakdown that will +make them wrecks in body and mind.</p> + +<p>Isn’t that a pretty high price to pay for the +pleasure of quarreling? And isn’t it a cruelly unfair +thing to force your children to settle your score? +For the sake of the children you brought into the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_314">[Pg 314]</span> +world and for whom you are responsible, isn’t it +worth while to deny yourself the pleasure of finding +fault with your husband or wife and saying all the +mean, acrimonious things you can think of? No use +in saying that you can’t get along together. You +can, if you want to. You get along with other +persons.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_315">[Pg 315]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="LXIII">LXIII<br> +<span class="fs70">THE LEARNED PROFESSION OF HOME-MAKING</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">No</span> complaint is more general—possibly no +belief is more prevalent among women—than +that a woman of intelligence wastes +her energies and her abilities in being merely a +housekeeper. Following the domestic arts is a despised +calling, held in such contempt by the majority +of women that they never take the trouble to achieve +success in it; and yet there is no other occupation +under the sun that requires so many and such varied +talents as does the learned profession of home-making. +Did you ever think what a woman must be in +order to create and carry on a happy and prosperous +home?</p> + +<p>She must be a financier. There can be no peace +and pleasure in a home where the wolf is always +howling under the window and the bill collector hammering +on the door. There are, of course, a few +men in every community who are such gifted money-makers +that they can annex more coin than any +woman can spend, but for the great mass of ordinary, +industrious, hard-working humanity the wife +settles the financial status of the family. It is her<span class="pagenum" id="Page_316">[Pg 316]</span> +ability to handle money, her knowledge of where to +spend and where to economize, her knack of making +a dollar buy a hundred and five cents’ worth and get +a blue trading stamp thrown in to boot, that is at +the foundation of every prosperous home. We don’t +hear anything about it, because the woman doesn’t +know herself how awfully clever she is, but the majority +of women in this country are doing marvels +of financiering in the way they make both ends meet +in their housekeeping allowance, and keep up appearances, +that entitle them to qualify in the Rockefeller +class.</p> + +<p>She must be a general.</p> + +<p>She must know how to command. She must know +how to set all the multitudinous wheels of household +machinery in motion and be able to keep them moving +without friction. She must be able to enforce obedience, +inspire enthusiasm, plan campaigns, forestall +her enemy, be fertile in expedient and subtle in strategy. +Any woman who maintains a comfortable and +well-ordered home, the kind of a house that we like +to visit, and who raises a nice family and marries +her daughters off well could give the commander-in-chief +of the army points on generalship.</p> + +<p>She must be a diplomat. The husband question, +the children question and the servant question are +not to be handled without gloves. There is no hour +of the day that she is not called upon to deal with +some problem that requires the finesse of a Talleyrand.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_317">[Pg 317]</span> +She must be able, if the white-winged dove of +peace is to brood over the home nest, to deal with +her husband’s prejudices and circumvent them so +delicately that he will never know that he is being +induced to do the thing that he swore he would +never, never do. She must assert her authority over +the growing boy with such cunning that he does not +perceive that her fine Italian hand is on the check +rein holding him tight and steady. She must be able, +without the girls dreaming that she does it, to insinuate +a doubt, drop a word of ridicule, imply an +impossibility that will keep her daughters out of entangling +alliances and steer them toward the reciprocally +profitable permanent treaties they should +make.</p> + +<p>Above all, she must be able to see most when she +is apparently stone blind; hear everything when she +seems to be as deaf as the adder of the Scriptures; +to be most on guard when she looks to be sleeping +at her post, and to be most chaperoning her +daughters when the onlooker and the girls themselves +would swear that she was most giving them their +liberty.</p> + +<p>She must know how to tread very softly if she +keeps off the corns of her servants, for whether a +woman is agreeable or disagreeable in the home her +children are bound to stay there with her, but it is +the blessed privilege of Mary Ann and Bridget and +eke of Hulda and Dinah that they can pack their<span class="pagenum" id="Page_318">[Pg 318]</span> +trunks and go. Only the very quintessence of diplomacy +renders a mistress <i lang="la" xml:lang="la">persona grata</i> to the +kitchen, and the woman who preserves friendly relations +with that must understand the Alpha and +Omega of how to make a jolly cover the discipline of +a martinet. Any woman who, when she is fifty years +old, has a husband who thinks her a Solomon in petticoats, +grown children who quote mother’s opinion, +and a cook who has been with her five years is fitted +to be Ambassador Extraordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary +at the Court of St. James’s, and nothing +but the stupidity of a nation that believes that +breeches and brains are synonymous terms keeps her +out of the job.</p> + +<p>She must be an artist.</p> + +<p>It is the woman’s province to create the beauty of +the home. This is true whether it is the palace of +the millionaire or the three-room flat of the day +laborer. Every room that she arranges is a picture, +just as much as if she painted a Dutch interior on +canvas.</p> + +<p>She must be a poet.</p> + +<p>A home is not merely a place of shelter and food—it +is a thing no less of the spirit and soul—and a +woman must put into it the passion of her heart and +the joy of creating just as truly as a poet must put +them into his song. To make a home that is beautiful, +that breathes the spirit of home, that is a +haven of peace and rest to those who live in it and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_319">[Pg 319]</span> +that is a glimpse of Paradise to the stranger who is +bidden within its gates is a profession the most exacting +in which any woman can engage and the one +that calls for the greatest number of talents. Also +it is the most profitable, for within it are made the +men and women who go forth to bless the world. And +the wonder of wonders is that so many just plain +ordinary women are doing it, and the greatest marvel +of all is that they do not realize what a glorious +thing they are doing!</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_320">[Pg 320]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="LXIV">LXIV<br> +<span class="fs70">A FATHER’S INFLUENCE</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">There</span> is no subject under the sun of which +men take such a distorted view as they do +of a mother’s influence. Romancers have +glorified it, poets have idealized it, musicians have +sung it until men have honestly come to think that +mothers have a practical monopoly of their children +and the sole duty and privilege of shaping their +lives. Even fathers seem to think that fathers count +for nothing and that all they are good for is paying +the bills. In the family circle they take a back seat +and let mother run the show. It is Mother’s Day +that is celebrated with pomp and flowers and beating +the cymbals. Nobody notices Father’s Day—perhaps +because the first of the month is always Father’s +Day and it comes around so often.</p> + +<p>No one would belittle mother’s influence. For good +or evil it is all powerful. But it is all powerful because +father is so often too stupid or too lazy or too +careless or too much absorbed in his business to do +his duty to his children by helping to mold their +characters. He dodges his responsibility. He passes +the buck to mother and salves his conscience with a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_321">[Pg 321]</span> +platitude about a mother’s sacred influence, which in +his innermost self he recognizes for the hokum it is. +For mother’s influence does not always work for +righteousness. Motherhood works no miracles. +Bearing a baby does not put brains and wisdom in a +hen-minded woman’s head. It does not give a shallow +woman depth. It does not make a narrow, prejudiced +woman broad and tolerant. It does not +make a fool woman wise.</p> + +<p>Yet all around us we see men who would not trust +their wives’ judgment about anything else on earth, +turning over to them their children’s immortal souls. +They know their wives to be silly and ignorant—without +vision, without the ability to see or understand +anything beyond their own little circle—yet +they let these morons shape their children’s lives. +They let them form their children’s ideals and set +their standards. They let them decide on the schools +their children shall attend, the churches they shall +join, the people with whom they associate.</p> + +<p>Yet the very men who trust their children to weak +and incompetent and unintelligent wives to rear +would not dream of permitting a weak, incompetent, +unintelligent partner to run their business. They are +too well aware of the value of their personal advice +and supervision and of the need of their strong and +expert hands on the wheel. Men blindly subscribe +to the faith that a mother’s influence is bound to be +good, especially upon her daughters, yet a moment’s<span class="pagenum" id="Page_322">[Pg 322]</span> +thought would show them how fallacious such a belief +is.</p> + +<p>A woman can only give out what she has. She can +only try to make her daughters what she is. And +unless a man wants his daughters to be just the sort +of woman their mother is, he cannot safely leave them +in her hands.</p> + +<p>It is true that there are not many women who +deliberately bring up their girls to be immoral and +start their feet on the downward path. But there +are thousands upon thousands of mothers whose influence +upon their daughters is vicious, because they +inculcate in them their own low ideals of honor and +honesty. They teach them by precept and example +to evade every duty of wifehood and motherhood, +and from their very infancy up they instil into them +a greed and selfishness that wrecks the happiness of +all who come in contact with them. Such are the +mothers who teach their daughters how to lie and +cheat, how to buy on credit the finery they cannot +afford, how to kill a man with their extravagance. +Such mothers are those whose favorite maxim is that +what a husband doesn’t know doesn’t hurt him. +Such a mother is the one who, not long ago, I heard +say to her young daughter who was getting married: +“Don’t tie yourself down with babies. Go about and +amuse yourself and have a good time, and if your +husband doesn’t like it he can lump it.”</p> + +<p>When a man has that kind of a wife—and no man<span class="pagenum" id="Page_323">[Pg 323]</span> +can be so afflicted without knowing it—he does a +criminal thing when he leaves his girls to their +mother’s influence. It is his bounden duty to use his +influence to correct hers as far as possible. Little +as men seem to realize it, children nearly always listen +with far more respect to what their fathers say +than they do to what their mothers say. For the +child knows intuitively that the father has had a +broader experience of life than the mother has. It +knows that the father goes out into the world and +does battle with it every day and that he knows from +experience the things about which mother vaguely +theorizes. It knows that father knows the rules and +how to play the game.</p> + +<p>Hence when a man really makes any attempt to +develop his children’s characters he finds them as clay +in his hands, ready to respond to his slightest touch. +It is only when father merely uses his influence as a +veto power that it is negligible. That a boy needs +his father’s hand in directing and controlling him at +the critical time of his life and a father’s wisdom to +steer him along the right course is universally recognized, +but I often think that a girl needs it even +more. For a girl needs to be taught the things that +life teaches a man. She needs to be taught to be +straightforward and honest and to live up to her contracts, +that she must give as well as take in life and +that she must have the courage and the grit to carry +on when things are hard instead of turning quitter<span class="pagenum" id="Page_324">[Pg 324]</span> +and to make the best of a bad bargain. Many a +divorce would have been avoided and many a home +that is now broken up, kept intact if a father’s influence +over his little girl had made her a good sport, +instead of mother’s influence developing a yellow +streak in her.</p> + +<p>A mother’s influence is a great thing, but it needs +to be backed up by father’s. That is why God gave +every child two parents instead of one.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_325">[Pg 325]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="LXV">LXV<br> +<span class="fs70">THE RICHES OF POOR CHILDREN</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">The</span> bitterest cry of poor people is that they +have nothing to give their children. The +fathers and mothers who cannot buy imported +finery for their girls or sports-model cars for +their boys and send them off to expensive colleges +and fill their pockets with money feel that they have +come empty-handed to their children and have nothing +to give them. Yet the poorest man and woman +who bend above a cradle have it in their power to +bestow upon their babe treasures so great that their +worth cannot be computed in dollars and cents, and +that will bring the child more pleasure and happiness +in life than they could purchase with all the wealth +of the Rothschilds. For there is no price tag on the +most precious things in the world. They are equally +free to prince and pauper, and more often the beggar +gets them than the millionaire does.</p> + +<p>For example, there is love—a close, intimate, personal +association—and tenderness and understanding. +Poor parents can more easily give to their children +than the wealthy can. And the child that has +them is rich beyond the dreams of avarice, and the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_326">[Pg 326]</span> +child that has them not is poverty-stricken, although +it has all else besides. The mother who rocks her +baby to sleep on her breast, whose tender arms are +always outstretched to gather her youngsters to her +heart, who is never too tired or too busy to listen to +childish confidences, who surrounds her little ones +with a brooding atmosphere of affection,—gives to +her children far more than does the rich mother who +gives her children nurses and governesses and pony +carts and fine clothes and costly playthings but who +does not give them herself; who bestows on them +everything but the things that a child wants most and +needs most—mother love and tenderness, the real +mother touch.</p> + +<p>Not long ago a very rich young man figured in a +disgraceful scandal, and the one excuse offered in his +defense was that his mother was dead and his father +had never given him anything except money. He had +never had any affection bestowed upon him. He had +had no parental guidance. When a little lad he had +been put in a school and kept there without even being +visited by any one who loved him, without even +going home for vacations. He had been just a pitiful +little millionaire waif for whom nobody cared. +The lot of such a child is infinitely worse than that +of the one whose parents are in such humble circumstances +that they can give it perhaps only the plainest +of food and clothes, but who do give it a real +home that is full of close, warm family life. The<span class="pagenum" id="Page_327">[Pg 327]</span> +fathers and mothers to whom children are grateful +and whose memories they revere are not those who +bequeath them great fortunes, but those who leave +them the memory of a love and understanding that +never failed and of a childhood that was made sweet +by their parents’ cherishing.</p> + +<p>No matter how poor you are, you can give your +children love and companionship and the privilege +of growing up in a peaceful and cheerful home, and +that is something that few rich parents can give their +children.</p> + +<p>Another gift that you can make your children is +that of teaching them how to read. When you do +that you really don’t need to do much more for +them, because you have put a magic coin in their +hands that will buy them entrance into all the doors +of delight and open to them all of the portals of +romance. No one who loves to read can ever be +bored or lonely. He or she has only to open a book, +and, presto, he or she has for company all of the wit +and wisdom of the ages. Gay adventures, beautiful +ladies and gallant gentlemen beckon, and one has +only to follow them into realms of enchantment. +All of interest, all that informs, that thrills, that +amuses, is the property of the reader. But, reading +does not always come by nature, as Dogberry +thought it did. Often it has to be acquired by art, +but any child can be taught to like to read; it can +be given the reading habit, and no other gift can<span class="pagenum" id="Page_328">[Pg 328]</span> +possibly be bestowed upon it that is half so valuable +or that will bring it in such happiness or that will +be such an ark of refuge to it in times of trouble.</p> + +<p>Another gift that the poorest parents can make +to their children is to teach them how to see. Most +persons go through the world as blind as bats. They +never see anything that isn’t directly under their +noses, and thereby they miss half of the fun and +pleasure in living. There are men and women to +whom a sunset is just a phenomenon of nature that +happens every day; to whom a crowd is just a jam +of people; who get nothing out of travel but inconvenience +and missing the particular kind of breakfast +food they prefer, and who loathe rain because +they get their feet wet and hate snow because it is +messy. And there are other men and women who see +the glory of God in every flaming sunset; who thrill +to the finger tips at the drama they see enacted in +every crowd; to whom travel opens up a new world; +to whom every rain is a symphony and every snowstorm +a poem.</p> + +<p>Which of these get the most out of life—those who +see or those who are blind; those who can get pleasure +out of little things or those who are too dull and +dumb to amuse themselves; those who are sensitive +to every beauty in nature, who appreciate music and +art and literature, who get the last flavor out of good +cooking, or those who find everything flat and stale<span class="pagenum" id="Page_329">[Pg 329]</span> +and uninteresting because they have never been +taught to see the under side of things?</p> + +<p>Finally, the poorest parents can teach their children +that brave attitude toward life without which +all the balance is cinders, ashes, and dust. For disappointments +and trouble come to us all, and it is +only those who have been taught how to make the +best of their bad bargains, how to laugh at misfortune +and mock at fate, who achieve any real happiness +in life. So cheer up, you parents who complain +that you have nothing to give your children. You +can give them love. You can teach them to read and +to see things. You can give them a brave heart. +These gifts are worth more than money. And nobody +can take them away from those who have them.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_330">[Pg 330]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="LXVI">LXVI<br> +<span class="fs70">A MAN’S RIGHT TO HIS HOME</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">It</span> is a matter of continual wonder to me that +women do not realize how unjustly they treat +their husbands about their homes. Of course, +a woman’s home is her castle and all that, and it is +right and proper that she should be the ruler of it. +Moreover, inasmuch as the average man is in his +home only a very few of his waking hours, while his +wife spends practically all of her time in it, it is +more important that it should come up to her ideal +and fire her fancy than his. She should have the +right of choice in selecting the neighborhood she desires +to live in, because she has to know the people +next door and look across the street all day, and he +doesn’t. Nor should any mere husband presume to +dictate about the number, size, and arrangements of +the closets in a house that is going to be his wife’s +workshop. Nor should a man interfere with his wife’s +taste in decoration, no matter how much it runs to +putting ruffled petticoats on the furniture and installing +forests of floor lamps, for having a home dolled +up as she wants it, fills a woman with a great and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_331">[Pg 331]</span> +exceeding peace and joy, and no good husband should +withhold this pleasure from his wife.</p> + +<p>But all that does not give the wife the right to +monopolize the home and use it for her sole behoof +and benefit, as so many women think it does. The +man who pays the freight, the man who buys the +house and who supports it, should have a few poor, +simple privileges in it which even a wife should recognize +and respect. He should at least, in all common +fairness, have the status of a star boarder in +the home his money keeps a going concern. He seldom +does, however. There is not one home in a +thousand where the man of the house has even a room +of his own which he can furnish in accordance with +his own taste and where he can mess around as much +as he likes.</p> + +<p>I have known many men who tried to establish +dens for themselves in their houses, but before they +got fairly settled, with their collections of stamps or +fishing rods or stuffed animals or what-not disposed +around them, their wives decided that it would be +just the place for a sewing room or the nursery. +Three hooks in a closet and a couple of drawers in +a chiffonier are about all most men get for their +private use in their homes, and at that they generally +find that their wives and daughters have superimposed +feminine fripperies over their best suits and +parked their silk stockings on top of their shirts. So +universal is the feeling among women they have a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_332">[Pg 332]</span> +right to the entire house that when a wife does concede +an easy chair and a reading lamp to her husband +she boasts of it loudly and calls everybody’s +attention to her unusual and generous gesture, +whereat all marvel. And even her husband himself +puffs out his chest and feels that he is a pampered +household pet.</p> + +<p>Why women should feel that they have an exclusive +right to exercise the hospitality of the home +nobody knows, but they do. If you will observe you +will see that in most homes it is the wife’s family who +are perpetually billeted in the spare bedroom, while +the husband’s family makes few and occasional visits. +You will also observe that there are ten men +who have their mothers-in-law living with them to +one man whose mother resides under his roof. Any +wife would think it very mean in him if her husband +did not extend a cordial welcome to Aunt Sally and +Cousin Sue when they were invited for a visit and +if he wasn’t willing to have her pretty young sister +come and stay indefinitely in town with them so as to +have the benefits of the city. And she expects him +to register great joy when her mother telegraphs that +she is coming for a month or two.</p> + +<p>But it is another pair of sleeves when it comes to +a husband’s relatives, and there are precious few men +who would dare to dump a bunch of their kinspeople +on their wives. Many a man is afraid to ask even +his own mother to come to see him. The average<span class="pagenum" id="Page_333">[Pg 333]</span> +husband would fall dead with surprise if his wife ever +intimated to him that she considered the fact that +he paid for the rent and food and light and heat and +general upkeep of the home gave him just as much +right to have his family stay with them as she had to +have hers.</p> + +<p>As to the friends who come to the house, the wife +considers it her prerogative to settle that little matter +by herself and thinks that her husband has nothing +to do with it. She spreads the mat with “Welcome” +on it for those she likes and slams and bolts +the door in the faces of those she doesn’t fancy. And +she practically never fancies her husband’s old +friends. So the man who had looked forward to having +his old friends in his new home, who had dreamed +of long talks with Tom by his fireside and to having +Bob, who was closer than a brother, drop in at any +time for pot-luck finds, somehow, not only that they +do not come, but that he is afraid to ask them to +come. Wives are always complaining that their husbands +are not willing to stay at home. Perhaps the +remedy is making the home a democracy instead of +an autocracy. If men had more rights and privileges +at home they might like staying in it better.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_334">[Pg 334]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="LXVII">LXVII<br> +<span class="fs70">DEVOURING FRIENDS</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">“One</span> of the greatest pests in the world is what +I call the devouring friend,” said a woman +the other day. “She is a bloodthirsty cannibal +who gobbles you up alive, and you have no way +of protecting yourself against her, because the sacred +name of friendship bars the use of all the lethal +weapons that you can use in defending yourself +against other bores and social nuisances.</p> + +<p>“Of course, the common or garden variety of devouring +friend is the one who literally eats you out +of house and home. She is a self-invited guest who +drops you a little note saying that she is passing +through your city or that she has to have a little +dental work done or wants to consult a doctor or do +some shopping, and she does so pine to see her darling +Susan and talk over old times, and will it be convenient +for her to come and spend a few days with +you? All of which being translated simply means +that she desires to graft a hotel bill off you.</p> + +<p>“Anyway, she comes and camps in your spare +room by the week, because she always manages to +string out the dental work or the appointments with<span class="pagenum" id="Page_335">[Pg 335]</span> +the doctor or the milliner. She should worry. For +she is having a good time at no expense. Furthermore, +by hints and insinuations she inveigles your +husband into taking her to places of amusement that +you have not felt that you could afford even when +there were only two of you to pay for. And she runs +your grocery bill up to the skies because she develops +a taste for the most expensive food. And as +you see her calmly consuming the price of your new +dress you know exactly how a cornfield feels when +a swarm of seven-year locusts settles down on it and +goes into action.</p> + +<p>“Then there are the devouring friends who eat +up your time. I am a busy woman. I cannot afford +to waste a minute. Unfortunately for me, I have a +number of women friends who are rich and whose +principal occupation in life is killing time. Now, +these women know perfectly well that I not only do +all of my own housework but that I make my children’s +clothes and that if they kill a morning for me +they upset my whole schedule and make my work +pile up upon me so that my labor is twice as hard.</p> + +<p>“But does that keep them from interrupting me? +Lord, no. Every time Maud has a spat with her +mother-in-law she will drop over and spend a whole +morning giving me all the harrowing details. Every +time Lulu’s husband gives her a new limousine I have +to waste hours of my valuable time listening to a +minute description of all its splendor. Every time<span class="pagenum" id="Page_336">[Pg 336]</span> +Sallie and Susie want to be sympathized with or +want to brag about their children they ruin the heart +of a day’s work for me by backing me up against a +wall and making me listen. And a dozen times a day +I am interrupted by women who call me up over the +telephone to hold long and fruitless conversations +about nothing.</p> + +<p>“Yet there is no possible way to protect my precious +time against these friends who eat it up. They +are all charming women. They like me and I like +them. I want to retain their friendship, so I cannot +shut my door in their faces when they come to see +me. I can’t ask them to leave when they stay too +long. I can’t ring off when they call me over the +telephone. I can’t even say ‘damn’ aloud, no matter +how much I am thinking it. But I know what +the cynic meant when he said that if God would save +him from his friends he would protect himself from +his enemies.</p> + +<p>“Then there are the devouring friends who swallow +up all of your home life. My husband’s business +is such that he has only one or two evenings at home +a week. We would like to have these to ourselves to +keep up our acquaintance or to go out on a little +spree together. We have proclaimed this fact loudly +and long to our friends and we refuse every invitation +that it is possible to get out of for those two +sacred occasions. But it doesn’t do a particle of +good.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_337">[Pg 337]</span></p> + +<p>“Being an unusually charming and entertaining +individual, my husband is regarded by my friends +as a social tidbit—a particularly savory <i lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">hors +d’œuvre</i>, as it were—and they gobble up our evenings +together without the slightest compunction. If we +won’t go to them, all right. They will come to us. +So just about the time we are settling down for a +real heart-to-heart talk, here come the Smiths to +pass a pleasant evening with us, or the Joneses descend +upon us and bear us off, shrieking and protesting, +to listen to their new radio, or the Thompsons +telephone that they are just coming over for a game +of bridge.</p> + +<p>“And there are the other devouring friends who +nibble away at our independence like a mouse at a +cheese, until some day we suddenly wake up to the +fact that our freedom is all gone. We haven’t a +vestige of liberty left. We dare not give a party and +leave them out. We have to explain to them everything +we do and tag meekly along in their footsteps. +And there are other devouring friends who gnaw constantly +on our sympathies by telling us all of their +troubles and making us bear their burdens for them. +They are ghouls who make us feed them our hearts +to satisfy their morbid appetite for pity. Perhaps +there is no way to get rid of devouring friends, but +it certainly would add to the pleasures of life if we +could swat them as we do other household pests.”</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_338">[Pg 338]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="LXVIII">LXVIII<br> +<span class="fs70">THE SECRET OF HAPPINESS</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">What</span> is the secret of happiness? I once +asked Mary Anderson this question and +she replied: “To find out what you want +of life, and then to have the courage to take it. I +wanted quiet, seclusion, home and husband and children, +the ordinary domestic life of woman,” she went +on. “I had the courage to leave the stage at the +very height of my career. And I have had the courage +to refuse every offer to go back, no matter how +dazzling it was. I have also had the courage to stay +in my sleepy little village and refuse to let myself +be drawn into the brilliant whirl of London society. +I have been happy because I knew what I wanted, and +I have been brave enough to take it in spite of all +temptations to be led into doing the things that I +did not want to do.”</p> + +<p>Undoubtedly this is one of the answers to the great +riddle that we are always asking and that so few +solve. A great many people are unhappy because +they do not really know what they want. They have +no clear vision of the thing they are seeking. They<span class="pagenum" id="Page_339">[Pg 339]</span> +are torn between conflicting desires and never settle +down to any one thing, and find contentment and +peace in that. You see this exemplified in the men +who are always changing from one occupation to another, +and who work with their minds on their golf +and play golf with their minds on their work. You +see it in the women who are fretful and peevish wives +and mothers, complaining of the burdens of domesticity +and feeling that they have missed happiness +in not following some career, and in the women who +have followed careers and who are always bemoaning +their loneliness because they have no families. Yet +how seldom do the disgruntled, who lament their fate +in life so loudly, have the courage to face about and +take the road that they at least believe leads to happiness! +We behold so many idle tears that we are +inclined to believe there are vast numbers of human +beings who get a kind of morbid pleasure out of +misery.</p> + +<p>But what is the secret of happiness? I give four +guesses at the conundrum. The first is work, to keep +so busy that we do not have leisure to think whether +we are happy or not. There is no other pleasure +comparable to the clean joy of being swallowed up +in some useful, constructive work that calls forth +every power of mind and body. Your own job, that +you do competently, has for you a never-failing interest, +a perpetual thrill that nothing else in the +world can give. Only brainless idiots are content to<span class="pagenum" id="Page_340">[Pg 340]</span> +loaf. Intelligent, thinking men and women must keep +busy in order to be happy.</p> + +<p>My second guess is that happiness is the bird in +the hand and not the bird in the bush. If we are +ever to be happy we must be happy now at the present +moment. We cannot put it off until to-morrow. +You are always hearing people say that they are +going to do this and that when they get rich, that +they are going to travel when they are old, they are +going to play, they are going to take up old acquaintances, +they are going to enjoy themselves five, +ten, twenty years hence. But when the time comes +that they have set to be happy in, they find that they +have lost their capacity for enjoyment. Those who +have inched and pinched and sweated every penny +trying to accumulate a fortune have formed such a +habit of parsimony that it is agony to them to spend +money. Those who have denied themselves too much +have lost all desire. Those who have stayed at home +too long have become such a fixture on Main Street +that they are lonesome and homesick everywhere else.</p> + +<p>So the happy men and women are those who take +the goods the gods provide each hour. They make +a reasonable provision against the rainy day, and +then they indulge themselves in the good clothes, the +pretty home, the comfortable car, the palatable food, +the little trips that are within their reach. They do +not put off every pleasure until some mythical, problematic +day, when they will be able to live in a palace<span class="pagenum" id="Page_341">[Pg 341]</span> +and have a Rolls-Royce and Paris clothes and +when they will be too old and rheumatic and set in +their ways to want to do anything but sit by the fire +in their own familiar chair. Never was there sounder +philosophy conveyed than in the old comic opera +ditty which said, “I want what I want when I want +it,” and if we don’t take it then, it is dust and ashes +in our teeth.</p> + +<p>Happiness consists in simple things. We are always +envying the rich and great, and think how +happy they must be, but we might well pity them, for +they have far more sources of sorrow than we have. +Beyond a modest competence, riches are a burden, +and money can become a curse that blights every +natural joy. The millionaire is cut off from the +greatest of all happiness—that of knowing himself +loved for himself alone. He suspects the motive of +every friend, he does not even trust the woman he +marries, and he knows his wealth to be a blight upon +his children. The real source of happiness is in enjoying +simple things—a gorgeous sunset, a beautiful +landscape, a clever book, a good dinner, the talk of +a friend, the unfaltering love of husband or wife, a +baby’s arms around your neck, a fine son and +daughter filling you with pride and joy. These have +no price tag on them. They may belong just as +much to the poor man as the rich man. Indeed, they +oftener do.</p> + +<p>Finally, remember the song, “I Want to Be Happy,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_342">[Pg 342]</span> +but I Can’t Be Happy Till I Make You Happy, +Too.” In unselfishness, in doing good to others—that +is the real answer to the secret of how to be +happy.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_343">[Pg 343]</span></p> + +<h2 class="nobreak" id="LXIX">LXIX<br> +<span class="fs70">PREPAREDNESS FOR OLD AGE</span></h2> +</div> + +<p class="drop-cap"><span class="upper-case">What</span> are you storing up for your old age? +Are you laying up any money against the +time when you will be old and feeble and +no longer able to work? The hour will strike for +you, as it does for others, when your earning powers +will be gone. Your hands will be too stiff and clumsy +to keep on with their accustomed task. Your mind +will be too slow to go the pace in the fierce competition +in the commercial world. If you are an employee, +you will lose your job. If you are a business +man, you will find that your trade has somehow +drifted away from you. If you are a professional +man, you will be superseded by the new men whose +stars are just rising on the horizon.</p> + +<p>Nothing that you can do will alter these conditions. +No miracle will save you from the common +fate of all who grow old. But if you have saved +up enough money to make you independent, it will +be merely a matter of mild regret to you. If, however, +you have laid up nothing for the rainy day +that is bound to come to you, it will be a tragedy +that you will pray death to end.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_344">[Pg 344]</span></p> + +<p>For in all the world there are no people so piteous +and forlorn as those who are forced to eat the bitter +bread of dependence in their old age, and find how +steep are the stairs of another man’s house. Wherever +they go they know themselves unwelcome. +Wherever they are, they feel themselves a burden. +There is no humiliation of the spirit they are not +forced to endure. Their hearts are scarred all over +with the stabs from cruel and callous speeches.</p> + +<p>In youth money is a convenience, an aid to pleasure. +In age it is an absolute necessity, for when +we are old we have to buy even consideration and +politeness from those about us. This is true even in +the households of our own children, for between the +father and mother who are able to pay their own +way and are the source of a never-ending flow of +gifts and treats, and the father and mother who must +be supported is a great gulf fixed. It is the difference +between having the place of honor and the back +seat; between being listened to with respect and having +one’s opinions derided; between having one’s little +peculiarities catered to as interesting characteristics +and being snubbed for one’s old-fashioned ways.</p> + +<p>Nor is this as unfeeling and hard-boiled as it +seems. The average young couple has all it can +do, in these times of the high cost of living, to provide +for itself and the children, and it makes the +burden crushing to have to add the extra weight of +the support of the old people of the families.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_345">[Pg 345]</span></p> + +<p>The fate of the dependent old is so terrible that +it is a marvel that it does not frighten every one into +trying to provide against it. Yet it was recently +stated in a journal of statistics that 80 per cent of +the men and women more than sixty years of age +were dependent either upon their children or upon +public charity. Don’t let this misfortune befall you. +Guard against it. Begin systematic saving while +you are young, so that when you are old you will +at least have the comfort of being independent.</p> + +<p>Are you laying up affection for your old age? +Most of us have a curious and naïve belief in what +we call “natural affection.” We befool ourselves +into thinking that people must love us because they +stand in a certain relationship to us and because +there are blood ties between us. Never was there a +more fallacious theory. There is, to be sure, the +mother’s passion for the child she has borne and the +instinctive clinging of the child to its mother while +it is young and helpless, but that is all. It doesn’t +follow as a matter of course that grown-up men and +women love their parents just because they are their +parents. As a matter of fact, they don’t, unless the +father and mother have won their love by years of +tenderness and understanding and sympathy. You +can’t be hard and tyrannical and selfish and stingy +with your children and expect them to love you because +it is their duty to do so. If you want your +children to love you when you are old, you have to<span class="pagenum" id="Page_346">[Pg 346]</span> +begin winning their hearts when they are in the +cradle.</p> + +<p>Have you laid up a good supply of friendship for +your old age? No complaint is heard more often +from the old than that they are lonely. Few come +to see them. They are seldom asked out. No one +sends them flowers when they are sick. They are +neglected and they crave the little attentions that we +all like and yearn for the society of their fellow +creatures. Now, when old people are lonely, it is +always their own fault. It is because they have +neglected to lay up any friendships for the sere and +yellow days when they have no longer the power to +attract people to them.</p> + +<p>They have gone their selfish way through life, sufficient +unto themselves in their youth. They have +never held out a helping hand to those in need. They +have never wept with those who wept and rejoiced +with those who rejoiced. They have not bothered +to write notes of condolence or congratulation. They +have never visited the sick and afflicted. They have +never spent an hour listening to an old person’s garrulous +talk, and so, when they get old, they are repaid +in the same coin.</p> + +<p>Are you laying up any mental riches for your old +age? I know an old lady so feeble that she cannot +stir from her chair, and whose eyes have failed so +that she cannot tell day from night, and who is so +deaf that she cannot be read to, but who passes her<span class="pagenum" id="Page_347">[Pg 347]</span> +days delightfully reciting to herself whole cantos of +Scott and Byron and recalling word for word chapters +of Dickens and Thackeray and Miss Austen. +Her mind to her a kingdom is, in which she finds entertainment +and amusement. Will you be amused or +bored when you are in your nineties and have nothing +but your own society? I know another woman, +middle-aged, who is deliberately laying up a treasure +of memories of travel to solace her in her old age. +She will never know a dull moment, for she will have +something to think about besides her rheumatism and +her diet when she sits alone in the twilight of life.</p> + +<p>Old age comes to us all. Don’t let it find you +empty-handed or empty-minded. Thus shall you +make it a time of happiness instead of torment.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter"> +<p class="no-indent fs120 wsp"><em>The Blue Book of Social Usage</em>—</p> +</div> + +<p class="center no-indent fs150 bold">Etiquette</p> + +<p class="center no-indent fs120 bold wsp">In Society, In Business, In Politics, and At Home</p> + +<p class="center no-indent fs120 wsp"><em>By EMILY POST</em></p> + + +<p>“The most complete book on social usage that ever +grew between two covers.” There are 24 pages about +introductions and greetings, 7 about street conduct, +13 on conduct at the theatre, 10 on conversation, 25 +on cards and visits, 33 on invitations, 12 on teas, +61 on dinners, 12 on breakfasts and suppers, 26 on +balls and dances, 12 on “the debutante,” 12 on matrimonial +engagements, 33 on preparations for the wedding, +35 on “the day of the wedding,” 23 on funerals, +58 on letters, 22 on dress, 9 on the clothes of a gentleman, +34 on the well-appointed house, 24 on traveling +at home and abroad.</p> + +<p>The author is a shining figure in society and her +charming and popular book is accepted everywhere as the +authoritative Blue Book of Social Usage. Illustrated.</p> + +<p class="center no-indent fs80"><em>Crown 8vo, Cloth. <span style="padding-left: 1em">639 pages.</span> <span style="padding-left: 1em">$4</span>, net; flexible leather, $7.50, net; +postage, 18c extra.</em></p> +<br> + +<p class="no-indent fs120 wsp"><em>The Blue Book of Personal Attire</em>—</p> + +<p class="center no-indent fs150 wsp bold">How to Dress Well</p> + +<p>A valuable treatise by an authority which considers +dress for women from both the artistic and the +practical view-points, and provides sound information +on the principles of tasteful and attractive apparel. +Not only does this book give details for enhancing +one’s personal appearance, for slenderizing the stout, +for broadening the slender, for the selection of headwear +and other accessories, but also practical guidance +for the selection and testing of materials, choosing +of laces and furs, budgeting the dress allowance, +and for the care and up keep of the wardrobe. It is +brimful of the very information pertaining to dress, +color, and toilet accessories about which every woman +hesitates to accept any but truly trustworthy advice +and is a fitting companion to Emily Post’s “Etiquette.” +Modistes, designers, dressmakers, and milliners will +also find this work of highest value. Illustrated.</p> + +<p class="center no-indent fs80"><em>8vo, Cloth. 494 pages. $3.50, net; postage, 18c extra.</em></p> +<br> + + +<p class="center no-indent fs150 wsp bold">The Blue Book of Cookery<br> +<span class="fs70">And Manual of House Management</span></p> + +<p class="center no-indent fs120 wsp"><em>By ISABEL COTTON SMITH</em></p> + +<p class="center no-indent fs80 wsp"><em>With an Introduction by Emily Post, Author of “Etiquette”</em></p> + + +<p>This is not “just another cookbook,” but an original +and authoritative guide for the preparation of foods +and for house management. All the originality and +importance of this volume would be of limited value +unless it were written by so capable and practical an +authority as Isabel Cotton Smith. It contains more +than 2,000 recipes; gives complete information on the +management of house and home, with invaluable suggestions +for table economy, and includes everything +for every season and every day in the year, for every +possible repast from breakfast to late supper and +from teas and picnic meals to specially designed menus +for children at home and at school, as well as menus +for vegetarians.</p> + +<p class="center no-indent fs80 wsp"><em>Crown 8vo, Washable Fabrikoid. $2.50, net; postage, 18c extra.</em></p> +<br> + + +<p class="center no-indent fs150 bold wsp">A Woman of Fifty</p> + +<p class="center no-indent fs120 wsp"><em>By RHETA CHILDE DORR</em></p> + +<p>This unique autobiography of a remarkable and +courageous woman covers one of the most revolutionary +periods of time in history—from virtually the +beginning of a concerted movement to organize the +women of this country in the fight for equality in +politics and industry to the time when these hitherto +unattainable causes were firmly established in our economic +and governmental systems. As journalist, lecturer, +editor, and writer, the author has taken part in +virtually every event that marks her generation; was +the only woman war correspondent with the famed +Russian Women’s “Battalion of Death” on the last +Kerensky offensive on the Eastern Front; spent three +years in “after war” Europe, and is to-day in the +thick of things in this country. Written in a frank, +forceful, and grippingly interesting style.</p> + +<p class="center no-indent fs80 wsp"><em>8vo, Cloth. 482 pp. $2.50, net; postage, 18c extra.</em></p> + +<p class="center no-indent fs120 bold wsp"> +FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers<br> +<span class="fs80">354-360 Fourth Avenue, New York</span><br> +</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter transnote"> +<h2 class="nobreak fs150 bold" id="Transcribers_Notes">Transcriber’s Notes</h2> + +<table class="autotable"> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">pg 58 Changed:</td> +<td class="tdl">which are resonsible for more real</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">to:</td> +<td class="tdl">which are responsible for more real</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">pg 61 Changed:</td> +<td class="tdl">you happen to be born in a certain relationshp</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">to:</td> +<td class="tdl">you happen to be born in a certain relationship</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">pg 71 Changed: </td> +<td class="tdl">any particular trade or profesion</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">to:</td> +<td class="tdl">any particular trade or profession</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">pg 101 Changed:</td> +<td class="tdl">earn her own living as a “poor working women.”</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">to:</td> +<td class="tdl">earn her own living as a “poor working woman.”</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">pg 105 Changed:</td> +<td class="tdl">so far be it from me to abridge</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">to:</td> +<td class="tdl">so far be it for me to abridge</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">pg 150 Changed:</td> +<td class="tdl">life better than than that of the successful</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">to:</td> +<td class="tdl">life better than that of the successful</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">pg 179 Changed:</td> +<td class="tdl">he will be filled fell of pep and energy</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">to:</td> +<td class="tdl">he will be filled full of pep and energy</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">pg 179 Changed:</td> +<td class="tdl">discovery that somewhow the mysterious something</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">to:</td> +<td class="tdl">discovery that somehow the mysterious something</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">pg 188 Changed:</td> +<td class="tdl">she is not likely to tarnish your deal.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">to:</td> +<td class="tdl">she is not likely to tarnish your ideal.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">pg 217 Changed:</td> +<td class="tdl">as many men starving for affection as there are woman.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">to:</td> +<td class="tdl">as many men starving for affection as there are women.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">pg 218 Changed:</td> +<td class="tdl">reward depends altogther on his wife’s attitude</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">to:</td> +<td class="tdl">reward depends altogether on his wife’s attitude</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">pg 221 Changed:</td> +<td class="tdl">their purpose when they falter and waiver</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">to:</td> +<td class="tdl">their purpose when they falter and waver</td> +</tr> +</table> + +</div> + + +<div style='text-align:center'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75448 ***</div> +</body> +</html> + diff --git a/75448-h/images/cover.jpg b/75448-h/images/cover.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e7bc59 --- /dev/null +++ b/75448-h/images/cover.jpg diff --git a/75448-h/images/frontis.jpg b/75448-h/images/frontis.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..aa2fc7f --- /dev/null +++ b/75448-h/images/frontis.jpg diff --git a/75448-h/images/titlepage.jpg b/75448-h/images/titlepage.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d72371c --- /dev/null +++ b/75448-h/images/titlepage.jpg |
