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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75511 ***
+
+
+
+
+
+                      A Lyttel Booke of Nonsense
+
+
+
+
+                            A Lyttel Booke
+                              of Nonsense
+
+                            [Illustration]
+
+                                 R. D.
+
+                      London: Macmillan & Co. Ld.
+                               mdccccxii
+
+
+
+
+                               Copyright
+
+                            First published
+                                 1912
+
+
+
+
+To the Reader
+
+
+Few of the cuts in this book are less than four hundred years old. To
+join them to new occasions need be no slur on their value and beauty,
+if the rhyme be taken as lightly as it is offered by a lover of old
+things as well as new, who is indebted to Messrs. Quaritch, Leighton,
+Barnard, and others, for much more than is here to be seen, as also to
+Edward Lear.
+
+  R. D.
+
+  Chelsea, mcmxii.
+
+
+
+
+A Lyttel Booke of Nonsense
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young fellow of Sark,
+  Who wandered about in the Park;
+      When the constable said
+      He’d be better in bed,
+  He replied, “I’m afraid of the dark.”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old man of Sheerness,
+  Who invited a friend to play chess;
+      But he’d lent all the pieces
+      To one of his nieces,
+  And stupidly lost her address.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old fellow of Trent,
+  Who sold little boxes of scent;
+      But they said to him “Smell them
+      Yourself ere you sell them!”
+  Which made him feel far from content.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old fellow called Cox,
+  Who tried to jump over the rocks;
+      But they said “Poor old feller,
+      He has come a smeller,
+  And look at the holes in his socks!”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young fellow of Treves,
+  Who met with a watery grave;
+      There was nobody nigh
+      To attend to his cry
+  As he sank ’neath the swallowing wave.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young fellow of Cadiz,
+  Who said “What a blessing Free Trade is;
+      But it’s not my ambition
+      To turn politician--
+  So let’s go and talk to these ladies.”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young man of Athlone,
+  Who was trying to ride like Tod Sloan;
+      But a brute of a bee
+      So bewildered his gee
+  That he hardly escaped being thrown.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young fellow of Brill,
+  Who supported the Parliament Bill;
+      But he’d larger ideas
+      For reforming the Peers,
+  And suggested a better way still.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old fellow of Derry,
+  Who loved to see every one merry;
+      So he asked them to tea
+      At a mulberry tree,
+  And gave them some excellent sherry.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young fellow of Kansas,
+  Who couldn’t remember the Lancers;
+      When they’d got half way through
+      He’d forget what to do,
+  Which flummoxed the rest of the dancers.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young fellow of Sherborne,
+  Who would go to church in a turban;
+      When they put him outside
+      He politely replied
+  That he thought their ideas were suburban.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old fellow of Reading,
+  Who went to his granddaughter’s wedding;
+      When they asked for a present
+      He tried to look pleasant,
+  But said “This is what I was dreading.”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young housemaid at Ashdown,
+  Who strained herself pulling the sash down;
+      Being duly insured,
+      She was months being cured,
+  But the doctor insisted on cash down.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old girl of Carstairs,
+  Whose villa required some repairs;
+      When she asked if the plumber
+      Could finish next summer,
+  He said he should be there for years.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young lady of Bude,
+  Who frequently painted the nude;
+      So that some of her pictures
+      Invited the strictures
+  Of many an ignorant prude.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old man of Baroda,
+  Who said, “I perceive a bad odour”;
+      When they said, “Is it faint?”
+      He replied, “No, it ain’t,”
+  So they fetched him a whiskey and soda.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young fellow of Biscay,
+  Who gave all his horses some whiskey;
+      Which resulted in some
+      Being quite overcome,
+  And others decidedly frisky.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old fellow of Shere,
+  Who wanted to act Chanticler;
+      To say that his dress
+      Was a brilliant success
+  Would be saying as much as we dare.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old man of Shoreditch,
+  Whose motto was “Down with the rich,”
+      But the mounted police
+      In the interests of peace,
+  Succeeded in queering his pitch.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young man of Dunblane,
+  Who was seized with a horrible pain;
+      When his wife asked him “Where?”
+      He replied “Somewhere here;
+  I must never touch muffins again.”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young man of New Cross,
+  Who rode a most marvellous horse;
+      As it couldn’t be matched,
+      All the others were scratched,
+  And he simply walked over the course.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young fellow of Belvoir,
+  Who in Love was a stern disbeliever;
+      But on going to the Castle
+      To take them a parcel,
+  He caught the insidious fever.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young lady called Pippa,
+  Who wanted to play hunt the Slipper;
+      But she said she’d prefer
+      Their removing the spur,
+  For fear that the rowel might nip her.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young man of Lepanto,
+  Who started to teach Esperanto;
+      But they said, “It’s too much,
+      We would sooner learn Dutch,”
+  And told him to pack his portmanteau.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young lady called Mabel,
+  Who hated a room with a gable;
+      If there wasn’t another
+      She said, “Oh don’t bother,
+  I’ll sleep on the dining-room table.”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old lady named Bonamy,
+  Who lectured them all on astronomy;
+      But they said, “It’s a bore,
+      We have heard this before,
+  You should stick to domestic economy.”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young man of Strathpeffer,
+  Whose uncle grew deafer and deafer;
+      When he asked after Mary,
+      He thought he said “dairy,”
+  And said, “She’s a beautiful heifer.”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young lady of Rome,
+  Who got lost in the great Catacomb;
+      At the end of the week
+      She was found by a Greek,
+  Who insisted on seeing her home.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old man of the Wye,
+  Who said, “I could sit down and cry;
+      When the fish are all biting,
+      This d----d little whiting
+  Has swallowed my favourite fly.”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young man who said, “How
+  Shall I flee from this horrible cow?
+      I will stand on a stool,
+      And pretend I’m at school,
+  With mamma’s cockatoo on my brow.”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old man of Montrose,
+  Who discouraged his granddaughter’s beaux;
+      When she asked them to call
+      He said nothing at all,
+  Or caught them a whack on the nose.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old fellow of Tweeddale,
+  Who played on the flute and the fiddle;
+      But he made such a din
+      That the neighbours came in,
+  And made him leave off in the middle.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young man of Spithead,
+  Who never could get enough bread;
+      Till he married a wife,
+      Who restored him to life,
+  For she made it herself--so she said.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young lady of Garth,
+  Who was just getting into the bath,
+      When her mother said, “Nelly,
+      You must eat this jelly,
+  You’re getting as thin as a lath.”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young damsel of Ore,
+  Who tickled a fool with a straw;
+      Quoth the fool, “How it tickles,
+      I can’t eat my victuals,
+  Oh, don’t make me laugh any more!”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young fellow of Raby,
+  Who behaved like a regular gaby;
+      When he went to the castle,
+      To call for a parcel,
+  He wanted to dandle the baby.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young man of Belgrade,
+  Who used to catch fish with a spade;
+      When he’d caught three or four,
+      He would fling them ashore,
+  Where he fried them in warm lemonade.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young fellow of Hawarden,
+  Who entreated his visitors’ pardon;
+      The boiler had cracked,
+      As a matter of fact,
+  So he brought them some lunch in the garden.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old fellow of Lee,
+  Who hid himself under a tree;
+      But when winter came round
+      He was easily found,
+  For the leaves had come off--don’t you see?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old lady of Lee,
+  Who thought that her Chow had a flea;
+      She was so much afraid,
+      That she rang for her maid,
+  But the butler said, “Leave it to me.”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young sportsman, whose trouble
+  Was constantly seeing things double;
+      His dog and his ape
+      Took a duplicate shape,
+  And he noticed the same with the stubble.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old man (of great age),
+  Whose daughters were both on the stage;
+      To the one who was Scotch
+      He presented his watch--
+  To the other a beautiful cage.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old knight of New Cross,
+  Who was riding a troublesome horse;
+      But he said, “If he rears,
+      I shall just box his ears,
+  Though I’d rather use kindness than force.”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young man of Southall,
+  Who went to a fancy dress ball;
+      Information we lack
+      As to how he got back--
+  Or whether he got back at all.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old fellow of Leek,
+  Who believed in compulsory Greek;
+      As from being at college
+      He’d no other knowledge,
+  The reason was not far to seek.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young man of Belgrade,
+  And this was a drawing he made;
+      People called it absurd,
+      Though the critics averred
+  That he must have been taught at the Slade.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young lady of Sfax,
+  Who purchased some promising hacks;
+      But when riding astraddle
+      Without any saddle,
+  She frequently fell off their backs.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old lady of Nice,
+  Whose house was a haven of peace;
+      Till they all got so warm
+      Over Tariff Reform,
+  That they had to call in the police.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young fellow of Sheen,
+  Who was trying to reach Gretna Green;
+      But he saw with impatience
+      That all his relations
+  Were trying to be first on the scene.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old man of the coast,
+  Whose wife was as deaf as a post;
+      Unaware of his tread
+      As he staggered to bed,
+  Or the groans of the family ghost.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young fellow of Pisa,
+  Whose wife was descended from Caesar;
+      The shape of his feet
+      Made her joy incomplete--
+  But she valued his efforts to please her.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old fellow of Sheen,
+  Who was hired to read to the Queen;
+      But she told him to stop
+      When he got to the top
+  Of page ninety in chapter sixteen.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young lady of Shere,
+  Who was loved by an indigent Peer,
+      But she sacrificed rank
+      To a share in a Bank--
+  About 35,000 a year.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old man of St. Abbs,
+  Who wanted to buy a few crabs;
+      His annoyance was great
+      When they offered him skate,
+  And turbot, and haddocks and dabs.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young man of Seattle,
+  Whose brothers were killed in a battle;
+      He feelingly said,
+      “It’s a pity they’re dead--
+  But I shall inherit their cattle.”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old fellow of Quorn,
+  Who borrowed some dogs and a horn;
+      Though he hadn’t a nag
+      He got hold of a stag,
+  And chased it all over the lawn.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  The Lord Chamberlain, once, on a day,
+  Was requested to license a play;
+      But he said, “If it’s clever,
+      My answer is Never!”
+  And told them to take it away.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old fellow of Parma,
+  Who purchased a new suit of armour;
+      When they said, “Does it fit?”
+      He replied, “Not a bit--
+  Pray leave me until I am calmer!”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young lady whose bonnet
+  Had many remarks passed upon it;
+      But she answered them, “Rats!--
+      If you want to see hats
+  Look at these of my brothers’--they’re chronic!”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  See here how the damsels of Spiers,
+  Await the return of their Squires;
+      At the long-looked-for hour
+      They wave from the tower,
+  And light all the drawing-room fires.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young man with a yacht,
+  Who said, “Whether you love me or not,
+      You can hardly refuse
+      Just to come for a cruise”;
+  But she fainted away on the spot.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old man of the rocks,
+  Who never could find any socks;
+      So he put on his shoes
+      And his second-best blouse,
+  And danced a quadrille with a fox.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young lady of Annan,
+  Whose father-in-law was a Canon;
+      But she gave up the Church
+      For artistic research,
+  And consorted with Ricketts and Shannon.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young man of Newport,
+  Who was tried for a jester at Court;
+      But he frankly confessed,
+      After doing his best,
+  It was more of a job than he thought.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young man of St. Gatien,
+  Who strongly believed in cremation;
+      And few could find fault
+      With a family vault
+  That contained every single relation.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young fellow of Horta,
+  Who saw something strange in the water.
+      Preparing to dive,
+      He cried, “Bake me alive,
+  If it isn’t the Coastguardsman’s daughter!”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old man of Peru,
+  Who took both his boys to the Zoo;
+      But when some silly goose
+      Let the animals loose,
+  He didn’t quite know what to do.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old man with a flute,
+  A serpent ran into whose boot;
+      He played day and night,
+      But it didn’t take flight,
+  So he finally went for the brute.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young fellow of Hawarden,
+  Who was practising golf in the garden;
+      But he said, “If this fly,
+      Doesn’t instantly die,
+  I’m sure I shall never beat Vardon.”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young student of John’s,
+  Who always made friends with the dons;
+      He would ask them to dine,
+      Or to biscuits and wine,
+  With a dish of most excellent scones.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young fellow of Sparta,
+  Whose wife was a regular tartar;
+      When his apathy shocked her
+      She went for the doctor,
+  And said, “He pretends he’s a martyr.”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young man of Algiers,
+  Whose dog had been savage for years;
+      So he bought him a roll
+      (Which the brute swallowed whole),
+  And then gave him a box on the ears.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was an old fellow of Tooting,
+  Whose favourite amusement was shooting;
+      When he wounded a bear,
+      And took aim at a hare,
+  They thought it was time to be scooting.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young fellow of Clewer,
+  Who was trying the open-air cure;
+      When they said, “Are you snug?”
+      He said, “Bring me a rug--
+  It’s really too much to endure!”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young man who’d a pup,
+  Which he trained for the Waterloo Cup;
+      But though healthy and sound,
+      It would lie on the ground,
+  And firmly refuse to get up.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  There was a young fellow of Pannal,
+  Who rowed himself over the channel;
+      When they said, “You’ve no hat,”
+      He replied, “What of that?”
+  And wrapped up his head in a flannel.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  Glasgow
+
+  Printed at the University Press by
+  Robert MacLehose & Co. Ltd.
+
+
+
+
+  Transcriber's Notes:
+
+  On page 72, ‘'Who behaved like a regular baby’ has been changed to
+  ‘Who behaved like a regular gaby’, to conform with limarick practice.
+
+
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75511 ***