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diff --git a/75705-0.txt b/75705-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..96cfced --- /dev/null +++ b/75705-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4858 @@ + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75705 *** + + + + + + + +[Frontispiece: woodcut] + + + + DESERT + + _A Legend_ + + + By + + MARTIN ARMSTRONG + + _Author of + "At the Sign of the Goat & Compasses"_ + + + Woodcuts by + E. RAVILIOUS + + + NEW YORK AND LONDON + _Harper & Brothers Publishers_ + 1926 + + + + + DESERT: _A Legend_ + + Copyright, 1916, by + HARPER & BROTHERS + Printed in the U. S. A. + + _First Edition_ + + H--A + + + + +Note + +The basis of this story lies in a brief tale occurring in the Syriac +version of Palladius's _Histories of the Fathers_, which is to be +found in a beautiful English translation in Sir Ernest Wallis Budge's +book _The Paradise of the Holy Fathers_. I have derived many other +incidents and a great mass of details from the same work, but this +story is otherwise imaginary in the sense that I have troubled little +about historical or topographical accuracy. The quotations from +Plotinus and Proclus are from Thomas Taylor's translations, which, +for reasons entirely unphilosophical, I have altered in one or two +places. + +M. A. + + +[Illustration: woodcut] + + + + +DESERT: _A Legend_ + + + + +[Illustration: woodcut] + + _Chapter + One_ + +It was not long past noon when Malchus, son of one of the foremost +families of Alexandria, stepped out of his porch into the street. +Everybody in the house was asleep; no one but the doorkeeper saw him +go out. The street, too, was deserted. The arid heat of it struck +against the sense like sounding brass. Its north side blazed with +adamantine sunlight; its left was a long wedge-shaped trough of shade +whose upper edge was bounded by the roof-ridges themselves, and the +lower by their shadows zigzagging sharp-edged down the center of the +paved roadway. Halfway down the street, on the shady side, two +scavenger dogs were prowling, meekly sniffing the walls and pavement. +A kite, small as a moth, sailed in the illimitable blue above. +Malchus felt as if he had suddenly flung off a stifling cloak, +dropped it from his shoulders and abandoned it in the street behind +him. How easy it was, in the mood he was in, to discard relatives, +friends, house, possessions, habits--all the material and spiritual +accumulation of the past. In stepping from his house door he had +stepped into a new life as easily as a swimmer dives from marble into +water. The dogs, with tails down and lowered heads, slunk away at +his approach and he turned the street corner and made for the +southern boundary of the city. "Gone!" he said to himself, thinking +of his house and the familiar street, and it seemed to him wonderful +and unbelievable that he would never see them again. "Never again!" +He tried in vain to realize the meaning of it and as he did so two +stabs of pain shot through his heart. One was the memory of his +mother making its desperate appeal--her hands, the calm, pure +modeling of her temples, a sharp accidental pathos that came with her +way of saying certain words; the other, keener, more cruel, more +soul-shaking, was the memory of Helena, branded irremediably into +every sense. + +[Illustration: woodcut] + +He halted, rooted to the spot in the molten sunshine, his right hand +convulsively grasping his staff, and behind him, on the white wall to +his left, the cowled black shadow which like the ghost of his past +had dogged him, now on this side, now on that, from the moment he had +left the shade of his house, paused, waiting to follow him. With a +great effort he blotted from his mind those agonizing appeals, and +man and following shadow moved on together. Soon they had emerged +from the streets and, leaving the main road to Lake Mareotis, had +turned into one of the many paths through the vineyards which spread +to the shore of the lake. The heat, there, had lost something of its +heaviness. Though the lake was not yet visible, the sense of it +refreshed and sweetened the air, and the disheveled garlands of vines +festooned from tree to tree shed a soft litter of shadows along the +paths. Soon through the long ranks of tree trunks and foliage he +caught sight of the live sparkle of water and, after that, great +tracts of glassy surface, gray with heat, came gradually into view. +His hope was to reach the lake before the hermit, who had visited him +a few hours ago, had crossed it. If he did so, he would certainly +discover him on the next ship that sailed; but if the hermit crossed +the lake ahead of him, it might be many hours before Malchus could +follow, and, once he had entered the desert, it would be impossible +to trace him. But the hermit had not had more than three hours' +start and he must have taken longer to reach the lake than Malchus, +who had walked rapidly. Now his path left the vineyard and emerged +between two warehouses on to the wharf that edged the lake. Not the +faintest breath stirred the sultry air. Malchus looked anxiously out +across the water. Far as the eye could reach, its vast, featureless +monotony was unbroken. It was impossible, then, that the hermit +could have left the shore, for in such weather no ship could sail or +be rowed out of sight in three hours. + +At its left extremity the wharf swung outward into a jetty which +formed a small harbor, but its right end broke off in an abrupt wall +and thence the shore of the lake curved away westward, the vineyards +encroaching almost to its white, sandy margin. + +Malchus turned to the left toward the harbor. A mast rose above the +level of the wharf and he walked along the stone embankment to +inquire whether a ship would soon be starting. After walking fifty +yards he crossed to the edge where a flight of steps descended to the +level of the water, and found himself looking down into a ship lying +alongside the wharf immediately under him. Seen from above, it +looked strangely broad for its length. The great sail lay rolled up +along the deck and five or six oars were shipped along each gunwale. +Among coils of rope and piles of wooden cases a few men, leaning +forward so that their backs and heads almost hid their limbs, moved +like slow, heavy beetles. Malchus shouted down his inquiries, and +one of the men straightened himself and turned up a round, coppery +face. + +"We start in an hour," he shouted back. "The master'll be here +before long and you can fix up with him. It'll be slow work." He +waved an arm to the sky. "All rowing to-day, worse luck!" + +Having got this information, Malchus strolled up the wharf toward the +other end. He wished to discover the hermit without being discovered +by him, for he was determined not to approach him until they entered +the desert. Now, therefore, as he paced along the wharf, he examined +the shadowy nooks between the warehouses in the hope that he might +discover him sheltering from the heat. But the nooks were as empty +as the wharf itself and soon Malchus was approaching its western +extremity. As he did so he became suddenly convinced that he was on +the point of discovering the hermit, and, sure enough, as he reached +the edge and glanced along the sandy shore, he caught sight of a +small bare-legged figure seated on the white sand not more than fifty +yards away. He had avoided the green shade of the vineyard a few +yards behind him and sat immovable in the full glare of the sun, like +a god carved out of wood. The sun was high, and his squat shadow lay +like a black bowlder behind him. + +Malchus moved into a shady nook between two sheds and rested there +till it was almost time to go back to the harbor. Then glancing +cautiously from his hiding-place, he saw that the hermit was coming +toward him and soon he must have climbed on to the wharf, for Malchus +saw a small gnome-like shadow slide across the bright gap between the +sheds. He waited a little and then himself came out into the glare. +The slim figure of the hermit was by this time more than halfway down +the long line of the wharf--the only vertical thing followed by the +only shadow in all the horizontal glare. Malchus followed him +slowly. When he reached the harbor the hermit was already squatting +in the bows of the boat with his cowl over his head. + +Malchus found a place for himself on deck in a patch of shadow cast +by a pile of cargo. The great wall of golden stone which towered +above the side of the ship threw off the afternoon heat like a stove; +the heaps of wooden cases beside him exhaled a hot aromatic smell and +across it there came another smell, the flat, earthy smell of shallow +water. Malchus closed his eyes. A feeling of utter serenity +possessed him. The noise and movement of the crew about him served +only to increase his sense of calm isolation. Nothing of this stress +and bustle concerned him; for him there was nothing to do but to sit +still. The ropes would be loosed, the ship would be pushed off from +the wharf by men sweating at long poles, the harbor would recede, and +the oarsmen settle, with the rumble of wood on wood, to their long, +monotonous labor at the oars; and through it all--through the long +smooth crossing of the lake unchanging except for the slow transition +from afternoon to evening, evening to darkness and darkness back to +dawn, sunrise and sultry noon--he would have nothing to do but sit +with eyes open or closed, contemplating the ebb and flow of his +thoughts and feelings. + +A silence in the hubbub of preparation roused him: the moment for +departure had arrived, and at a shout from the master the crew began +to thrust away the ship from the harbor wall. Slowly the wall +receded. Two oarsmen in the bows were already churning up the glassy +harbor water and soon the ship glided out into the lake. + +A plain of shimmering gray lay before them, but behind them the gray +brightened to a milky blue where the shallows ran up on to the white +margins, and in the shallows companies of flamingoes stood like +long-stemmed rosy lilies, dreaming immovably upon the fainter rose of +their reflections. Malchus gazed at them, and the thought came to +him that each was a symbol of man contemplating the God in himself. +The rowers began a rhythmical chant, swinging monotonously to their +oars. Malchus closed his eyes. That chant and the rhythmical +forward lurch of the ship were all he knew of the outward world; and +after an hour the chanting ceased and his world dimmed to the heave +of the boat and the regular plash and gurgle of the cloven water. He +shut out all thought from his mind. He did not even try to determine +what he would say to the hermit when he revealed himself to him in +the desert, nor did he examine his feelings, desires, or beliefs. +Whether or not his reason accepted Christ he did not inquire. He was +passionately determined to submit himself without reservation, body +and soul: therefore, he could not be troubled to reason about his +belief. The idea of God and of his son Jesus Christ was burnt into +his emotional life. It had been his intellect only--the intellect of +an impetuous youth--which had rejected it. Now the elegant logical +structure of his disbelief had collapsed before the emotional storm +through which he was passing, and the old idea had flowered again +upon the ruins. The words spoken by the hermit during their +conversation a few hours ago had come to him as a revelation:--"We +who are true Christians have no need of reasoning." That was the +state of mind after which he had always been unconsciously striving. +What a relief it was now to abandon all the troublesome mechanism of +argument and explanation, to allow to impulse and emotion the +authority for which, with him, they had hitherto always appealed in +vain. He felt himself free at last. Never again would he submit to +the imposture of logic. But it was no sluggish serenity into which +he had escaped. The mind and the soul must, he knew, be disciplined, +for only thus could they attain to perfect freedom. And now, as he +sat on the deck with closed eyes, assuming already by an unconscious +imitation the attitude of the hermit, he drew his attention inward, +retiring into that innermost chamber of being which is one with the +eternal and divine. At first his contemplation was disturbed by +intruding memories and once he found himself spinning a long fantasy +about Helena. How would she receive the news of his disappearance? +He pictured her in tears, imploring his pardon too late. The picture +gave him a fierce appeasement and his lips twisted into a grim smile. + +The physical sensation of that smile roused him. How was he to +master this idle wandering of the mind? For a moment he was overcome +by discouragement, but soon he had lulled himself back into +contemplation, and gradually his mind, wearied by the emotions of the +day, threw off the burden of intruding cares.... + +He must have sat thus for many hours, for when he again opened his +eyes he was astounded to find himself in darkness. Everything about +him, the mast, the ropes, the piles of cargo, stood out sharply in +planes and edges of frosty white, the rowers were modeled in +flickering black and silver as they swung to and fro, and looking +upward, Malchus saw a full moon, small, brilliant, and immeasurably +high. Beside him lay a pool of blond silver light, so bright that it +seemed as if it were itself the source of light. Everywhere it was +as though the moonward faces of things were coated with phosphorus. +The air had grown deliciously cool; a draught stirred about the deck +as if the lake were breathing. Then a shout sounded above the noise +of rowing and the rowers leaned back motionless upon their oars. +There was silence above and below except for the clucking of water +against the ship's still-moving sides and the tapping of a rope +against the mast. The wind was freshening. Again a shout out of the +darkness, and, with bumping of wood on wood, the rowers shipped their +oars and then lined up along the sail, while others loosened the +ropes at the mast. When all was ready there came another shout and +the great sail swung up, huge as a house side, shivered and fluttered +heavily in the wind, and then, as the ship came round, yawned out +into a great dark cavern. The ship lurched slowly over, and growing +up slowly out of the silence the hiss of moving water was heard along +the sides. + + +[Illustration: woodcut] + + + + + _Chapter + Two_ + +The breeze which had sprung up during the night had weakened after +daybreak, and now it had died away completely. It was almost noon. +The men were once again sweating at the oars, but their labor would +soon be over, for the southern shore of the lake was clearly in +sight. Pale golden hills extending in horizontal terraces bounded +the distance; along their bases the richer gold of the desert was +barred by deep blue belts of palmgrove. Eastward, within a stone's +throw of the ship, flights of wild-duck with their necks strained +forward skimmed the face of the water. Many hours before, Malchus +had awakened from a deep sleep to find himself afloat between the +pale-green mirrors of sky and water in which the stars had faded to +blurs of faint white radiance. He was cold and very hungry and had +bought a loaf and a small mug of wine from one of the crew. He had +drunk the wine and eaten a piece of the loaf, putting the remainder +away into his pouch. Already it seemed an age since that early +waking; to remember it in the noonday heat was to recall early spring +in the height of summer. As for his previous life--the life which +yesterday at this hour he was still living--it had receded into the +remote past. It was as if the voyage across the lake had carried him +into another world and separated him by many years from the self of +yesterday. The crisis, crowned by his momentous decision, had come +so suddenly.... + +Yet it was only a few hours ago, hardly a day and a half, that he had +dined at the house of his friend Diocles, the poet. The feast had +been a splendid one--splendid not only for its food and wines, but +for its company and their talk. But by an hour after midnight the +guests, though none of them had yet risen from his couch to depart, +had long ceased to eat and, all except a few, even to drink. On the +tables stood dishes of grapes, figs, and pomegranates, and crystal +wine flasks and cups, but the guests had turned away from the tables, +and the confused din of voices, glasses, silver, and the soft padding +of the slaves' feet upon the marble floor had died down. There was +no longer any general conversation, but isolated gusts of talk rose +and relapsed, the tones now deep, now high, now rippling upward in a +woman's laughter, like flutes, oboes, and bassoons played at random. + +The host was Diocles, the poet, a splendid young man, easy mannered, +imperturbable, with broad shoulders, pointed golden beard, and gray +eyes which could be strangely piercing or, by a curious change, +gentle and dreamy as though their gaze had been turned inward. He +had been trying to engage the friend on his right in a philosophical +discussion, but in vain, for Malchus replied briefly and fell back +again into the gloomy abstraction in which he had passed the evening, +his head propped on his right hand, his large eyes scowling at the +floor. From this position he never moved except sometimes to steal a +furtive glance at a woman who reclined at another table. + +She was young and of an extraordinary beauty. Her profile in repose +had the dreaming loveliness of a marble goddess, but when she laughed +or spoke she was suddenly transformed into another creature, and, as +if for the first time, the vivid colors of eyes, lips, and beautiful +teeth flashed into life. Helena was her name; she was known +throughout Alexandria for her beauty, her great wealth, and the proud +independence of her manner of life. Both her wealth and her beauty +brought her many offers of marriage, but to each she was accustomed +to reply that it would be time enough to think of husbands when she +had grown tired of lovers. Now she was flirting with a very young +man who sprawled on the floor beside her couch and leaned his head +back against its cushioned edge, gazing up at her as he talked. His +head was covered with crisp golden curls and he had the full and +regular features which so often accompany an amiable but stupid +character. Sometimes detachedly, as though she were inspecting a +fur, Helena stretched out a white arm and slowly stroked the boy's +head, watching the tight curls spring up as they escaped from the +weight of her moving hand. Then she would shoot a quick glance at +Malchus, wrapped in his sulks, and when her eyes returned to her boy +their vague and contemplative gaze showed that she was not paying the +slightest attention to what he was saying. + +On the next couch lay an old man with a smooth, fat face and a bald +head which he wiped from time to time with a yellow silk +handkerchief. The richness of his dress gave a certain majesty to a +heavy and bloated body. He had the glazed eye of one who has drunk +heavily and he was making vague, fumbling gestures with one hand, as +if he were trying to drive away a fly. But he was not driving away a +fly; he was beckoning, and at last a girl ran up and stood beside his +couch. She was small and slim, with the pure, flower-like face of a +child. + +"Come here, Thaïs, you little imp. Why have you been avoiding me all +night?" He spoke indistinctly; his consonants were causing him some +trouble, and when he reached out a heavy arm the girl shrank back +laughing. But soon she had submitted and sat down on his couch and +allowed him to put his arm about her. + +At that moment Helena rose and, as though she were the controlling +force of the whole company, the sound of voices broke off sharp and +everyone looked at her. She moved toward her host with the slow, +exquisite poise of one to whom even walking is a conscious art. Her +robe of silver tissue embroidered with blue and crimson leopards +enhanced with its shining surfaces the forms and motions of her +beautiful, supple body. + +[Illustration; woodcut] + +And with her departure everyone became aware that the feast was over. +Like a soundless tide the large silence of the night, of which the +guests had recently been so oblivious, subtly took possession of the +room, broken rarely by a murmured phrase, a giggle of laughter from +one of the girls, or the snores of a sleeping feaster which rose from +time to time out of the silence, soared up gradually and formidably, +and exploded with a snort which aroused the sleeper to a fretful +change of position. But over each interruption the silence closed +like a flood, and audible in it, as if an integral part of it, +streamed the cold, airy rush of a fountain, faintly seen like a +silver ghost in the deep-blue hollow of the courtyard. Softly and +incessantly it hissed, a silence grown audible. But to one who +listened intently, small, clear sounds emerged from the pervading +hush; sometimes a tiny spark shot with a crackle like the snapping of +a cane splinter from one of the steady lamp flames and four pure +musical notes made by water dripping from a leak in the fountain pipe +into the basin below, repeated their little tune with monotonous +persistence. + +At the departure of Helena, Malchus had stirred himself on his couch +with a long sigh. Her going had eased the intolerable oppression +which had tormented him, as if with an insomnia of the nerves, all +evening. Now he had sunk into a deep revery when a voice close +beside him startled him into consciousness. "Like a fire that has +burned itself out!" said the voice. It was the voice of Diocles, but +when Malchus turned his head it seemed to him that Diocles had been +talking to himself, for he was looking, not at him, but at the rows +of feasters silent on their couches. + +"What has burned itself out?" asked Malchus. + +The poet turned to him. "The feast, Malchus," he said, with a +gesture which included the whole room. "Look! Life here is frozen, +suspended as in a marble sculpture. At every feast I am conscious of +this moment when the feast has burned itself out. I watch for it, +for when it comes I feel that I am seeing more deeply into this +clouded pool of life. Don't ask me what I see, because I can't tell +you. What I see speaks to the emotions, not to the reason, and so it +can never be expressed except in poetry. But do you not feel that +some larger and more enduring power has entered the room and +superseded the small, isolated activities of all these helpless +folk--helpless now because of drunkenness or sleep, but just as +helpless when they are laughing, chattering, eating, drinking, and +making love? This moment shows us human life in a truer perspective. +It teaches us who are awake to it patience, resignation, love, and +pity. I picture men as fish in the sea suspended in the middle +waters halfway between the sea floor and the boundary of the bright +upper world, and occupied solely with feeding, playing, fighting, and +reproducing their kind. But when they rest from those activities the +greater number sink, drawn down by their own density, to the empty +darkness below; but a few, buoyed up by some bladder in the heart or +brain which is filled with a divine air, float upward to the surface +and afterward return to the middle waters with their heads filled +with dreams of sunsparks, starlight, vast moving shadows, and a +boundless dome of blue." + +[Illustration: woodcut] + +Diocles paused, and before he could continue, a voice broke, +profanely loud, upon the stillness of the night. It was a young man +who had lain long on his back, sleeping with half-open mouth and +firmly grasping an empty wine cup in his right hand. He had awakened +suddenly out of a drunken sleep, and was calling for wine. "Wine, +boy! Wine! Come, fill up!" he shouted, hoarsely. But his shout +disturbed no one and the sound of it vanished like a gaudy bird into +the silence of the court. The slaves had long since fallen asleep on +their bench in a corner of the hall, and even if they had been awake, +the young man had turned feverishly on to his side and fallen asleep +again before they could have filled his cup. + +Diocles indicated the occurrence with a humorous shrug, and then, +turning to Malchus, appealed to him more personally. "I wish I could +teach you to be a poet, Malchus," he said. + +Malchus smiled and shook his head. "The arts are not for me." + +"Perhaps not. But when I said I wished to turn you into a poet I did +not mean that I wished you to write poetry. God forbid! There are +too many of us writing it already. I meant that I wished you to live +poetically. I wish even that I could turn you into a philosopher. +That at least would be a stage on the way to becoming a poet; for a +philosophic creed is good as a temporary discipline, though it kills +in the end. It is good while it feeds the emotions, but if we +persist in it for its own sake we pinion our souls with ropes made +out of withered truths. We must never allow the philosophers and +sages to enslave us; on the contrary, we must use them as our +servants. Nor must we allow life, any more than philosophy, to +enslave us, for we must retain the mastery of our senses. The end of +life is the perfect development of our faculties. If we allow life +to enslave us through our senses and desires we resign the control of +ourselves to blind chance and become like dead leaves in the +whirlwind, helpless in the face of adversity, like you, my poor +Malchus. That is what I mean by living poetically. It is something +more than living philosophically. It is to be open to every +influence from outside and to extend our knowledge deeper and deeper +inward into our own being." + +"We shall never agree, Diocles. This careful self-control which you +preach is no good to me. It limits experience. How can we ever +_know_ if we shut our field of discovery within such narrow bounds? +It is only by abandoning ourselves to life that we can live fully." + +"And whither does your abandonment lead you, my friend? Have you +been living fully to-night? No; you have spent the last six hours +tortured by jealousy and despair. That is not living, it is dying. +Let me be your physician. Come and live here for a month or two and +I will put you through a discipline which will help you to regain +control of yourself." + +"Control of myself? If you could teach me how to forget myself it +would be more to the purpose." + +"I will teach you how to forget Helena, which will be more to the +purpose still." + +"How simple it seems to you, Diocles. But you, with your golden mean +and your carefully ordered life, cannot realize the intensity of a +passion such as mine for Helena. It is branded into my heart. What +can your rules and disciplines do for that? You must not bring +philosophy and poetry, but a knife, if you want to doctor me. I am +done for, like a fire which has burned itself out, as you said just +now with an unintentional aptness which startled me." + +"Done for? But, my dear Malchus, Helena was not your first love. +You recovered from the others." + +"They were different. I was younger then and I did not take them so +seriously." + +"On the contrary, I should say that you took them more seriously +because more sanely. The disaster of your affair with Helena is that +you have not taken it seriously enough. Love is a perilous and +explosive thing, like fire. If you do not take fire seriously it +will devour life instead of warming and illuminating it." + +Malchus shook his head. "In the difference between our use of the +word _serious_, Diocles, lies the whole difference between our two +minds." + +"Then, in your own terms, Malchus--try to take love less seriously. +Try in your next love affair to be frivolous." + +"I have done with love affairs, Diocles. I am sick to death of this +sort of life." He included the hall, the tables, and the recumbent +guests in a sweep of the arm. + +"For the moment, Malchus," Diocles assented. "But in a few weeks, +when this amatory wound has healed, you will be reconciled to it once +more, for whatever else this civilization of ours has done, it has at +least produced the ideal mode of life for a cultured mind." + +"Yes, and it is just this mode of life and this culture of the mind +which I have come to hate. You are going to say, Diocles, that +jealousy or love-sickness has poisoned my mind. I deny it. It has +not poisoned my mind, it has opened my eyes. The life we lead is +futile, both bodily and mentally. We boast of our broad-mindedness, +but really we have a mind for nothing. We believe in nothing except +not believing in anything. We dabble in all the religions and +philosophies and select the little bits that please us from each of +them, like children picking up colored shells on the beach." + +"But, my dear Malchus, is not that the true wisdom? For thus we +allow our minds to nourish themselves naturally, like our bodies, +giving them a variety of foods and leaving it to them to select from +each the vital principle and to excrete the rest. To be bound to one +philosophy or one religion alone is the mark of a narrow mind." + +"Only if we bind ourselves to it from idleness or cowardice, or for +some such unworthy reason. But the man who has made one religion or +philosophy a part of himself is not bound; he is freed. He has +gained a means of self-expression and has concentrated his emotional +life into a full channel instead of squandering it, as we do, in a +hundred trivial driblets. We refined and cultured folk have no +beliefs, no worthy enthusiasms, no prejudices." + +"No prejudices? But I thought we had agreed years ago that to rid +ourselves of prejudices was the first step on the path of wisdom." + +"We did, Diocles; and a more foolish idea, it seems to me now, could +not be conceived. Without prejudices our lives are empty, all the +fury has gone out of them." + +"Fury, my dear Malchus? Well, you may have my share of fury. I have +no desire to return to the condition of a wild beast." + +"It would be better for us if we were more like wild beasts." + +"Well, you are not unlike one at present, if that is any consolation +to you. But explain yourself, my friend." + +"I have already said what I mean, which is that this cultured, +sophisticated life takes all the vigor out of us. And not only out +of our minds, but out of our bodies, too. What does it leave for our +bodies to do? Nothing. We have limbs and muscles, strong and aching +to be used, yet if we wish to use them we must squander their +energies in some artificial occupation like games or hunting. Real +life ought to tax body, mind, and soul. It should be a contest, not +a series of elegant postures." + +"Well, each according to his taste, my friend. But this mood of +yours will pass off in time. It is simply the result of your present +unhappiness. Meanwhile, since you feel the need of physical +exercise, why not try a few days of this despised hunting? It would +distract your mind as well as exercising your body, and if you have +reasonably good sport you will soon lose sight of the artificiality +of it." + +[Illustration: woodcut] + +The two friends had almost forgotten that they were not alone, but +now a movement on one of the couches interrupted their talk. One of +the girls had stirred and awakened. It was Thaïs, who had fallen +asleep on old Chronius's couch. She sat up bewildered, with +disheveled hair and shining eyes, lovely as a naiad rising from a +pool. Then realizing her surroundings she looked down in disgust at +the fat sleeping face of Chronius and, stretching out her hand to the +table, she took one by one four purple grape skins from his plate and +stuck them carefully on his nose, his chin, and his cheeks. Chronius +shivered and opened his eyes. "Don't! Don't! They're wet!" he +mumbled, making groping movements with his hands. But Thaïs held +down his hands, so that he could not brush off the grape skins, and +immediately he fell asleep again. Then with an indignant little +shake of her shoulders she rose and, smoothing her hair with one +hand, came toward Diocles and Malchus. + +"Tell me, Thaïs," asked Diocles, rising as she approached and putting +an arm round her shoulders, "have you enjoyed yourself?" + +"No, I haven't," replied Thaïs, without hesitation. + +"Then my feast has been a failure." + +Thaïs looked at him intently. "That is a polite lie, Diocles. I do +wish that everybody would not treat me as a child to whom one must +always be offering sweets." + +"But what I said was not a lie, Thaïs. I meant it." + +"How could you mean it? You're not in love with me. Why, then, am I +so important?" + +"Because, my dear, you are young and innocent." + +"Innocent?" replied Thaïs, with a wry smile. + +"Yes, Thaïs, quite innocent. And youth and innocence are the most +beautiful and touching things in the world. If I were told that any +of these others had not enjoyed themselves--any except Gelasia, who +is young and innocent like yourself, or Malchus here, who is my +special friend--I should be horribly annoyed, because it would show +that I had been found wanting in the art of hospitality. It would be +as bad as if my poetry had been accused of technical weaknesses. But +when I hear that you have not enjoyed yourself, it does not annoy me; +it pains me, and it is much more serious to be pained than to be +annoyed. Annoyance is of the mind, but it is the heart that is +pained. But tell me why you have not enjoyed yourself." + +Thaïs hung her head and was silent. After a moment she raised a face +in which shone the ingenuous seriousness of youth. + +"It's always the same," she said. "I never know till afterward that +I have not enjoyed myself. I thought I was enjoying myself to-night." + +"You were, dear child. I watched you." + +"Yes, perhaps I was. I didn't mind even when that old pig Chronius +beckoned me over to his couch. But he touched me and stroked me too +much and I felt a sudden rage and smacked his face. Then I felt +ashamed, and I was nicer to him than I wanted to be, to make up for +it. However, he fell asleep soon, and suddenly I too felt sleepy, so +sleepy that I just settled down against him--feeling that he was a +bolster, you know, not a human being--and went off to sleep with my +head on his chest. But when I woke up just now and saw where I was +and saw his horrid old swollen face, I was, oh, shriveled up with +disgust. That's why I stuck the grape skins on his face. It was not +for fun; it was from fury, just as one might smudge an ugly painting. +And now I'm going. But before I go I'll tell you one thing. You are +the only man whose arm I could bear to have round me at present; and +that's a very great compliment, Diocles." + + + + + _Chapter + Three_ + +Half an hour later, Malchus was walking home, followed by his +servant. It was the moment of the false dawn. In that pale, watery +air, the familiar streets had changed their nature; they were hollow +and desolate, the humanity frozen out of them. No mortal hands had +made them; they had been grooved and sculptured by the slow labor of +natural forces, like the channels of some deep-sunk, faintly luminous +coral reef. In marble walls and colonnades, as they loomed up toward +the walking Malchus, there was a dull, milky glow as though a veiled +flame lurked within their substance. Overhead, stars showed their +faint, frosty sparkle, in a limpid steel-blue sky. Not a breath +rustled the palm trees and the tall rose-bays whose fantastic shapes +spired up above the garden walls; but as he passed an iron gate his +sense was caught by the subtle perfume of a flowering jasmine, which +spread its invisible snare across his path, and his heart suddenly +contracted with pain. Further on, as he turned a corner, a faint +draught smelling of the sea touched his face, and he saw beneath him, +like two polished shields, the glimmering expanse of the two harbors +with the Island of Pharos spread along their further rim in a long +violet mound on which, here and there, a light twinkled. Far in the +distance, from two different quarters, bright shafts of sound shot +upward alternatively and were lost; two cocks were challenging each +other in the silence, and Malchus felt that if he had opened his lips +and spoken out aloud the passionate appeals which oppressed his +heart, he would have heard, after a moment of listening, the voice of +Helena answering him far and clear across the city.... + +[Illustration: woodcut] + +"Helena, my beloved, listen to me at least, before you leave me. I +cannot live without you any more than a man can live without his own +heart. Though I still speak and move my limbs like other men, the +soul within me is dying as surely as the body dies. I am the empty +shell of a man, a moving cenotaph filled only with misery. Be +merciful, beloved, even if you no longer love me. It cannot be that +I have no meaning for you, no part in you, or how should I feel this +intensity of pain? Helena, I could be content, even if you never +spoke to me nor looked at me, if only you would give your body back +to me. My mind, my senses are full of you; they have forgotten +everything else. My sense of touch remembers only the shape and +smoothness and warmth of your body, my sight its lines and curves and +colors. They are burned into me, branded indelibly. Even when I die +they will remain; and if, when all our generation is dead, men open +my coffin, they will find not my decaying body, but yours, perfect +and warm and ready to awake from sleep." + +The cocks had ceased to crow; silence, like a clear and fragile +bubble, inclosed the whole world. Then pure and small from the +eastward came the voice of Helena: + +"My foolish Malchus! I have been waiting for you ever since I left +the feast of Diocles. Do you not remember how I always loved to +tease you? You used to praise me for it afterward, because of the +wonderful renewal of our love which always came with our +reconciliation. And so, during this last month I have only been +playing with you. Did you imagine that I could exchange that stupid +young Heronion for you whom I have loved so long? Come back, my +foolish one: I will not torment you any longer." + +A sparrow fluttered from the wall above him and Malchus awoke to find +that in the preoccupation of his daydream he had stopped and was now +leaning against the pillar of a porch. His servant was standing a +few paces behind him, surprised and troubled by his strange behavior. +The houses were now clearly visible; each had taken on its familiar +individuality. Color had come back into the trees and the flowers +which festooned the walls and porticoes and heaped their mounds of +color about the fountains in the squares. In half an hour the sun +would rise. Malchus, the pain at his heart dulled a little by his +hopeless imaginings, went on his way and, entering the house in which +he had lived ever since, four years ago, he had left the home of his +parents, lay down on his bed..... + +He slept for five hours and awoke to confused memories of dreams. +His mind, still unresigned to despair, had projected its agony into +visionary struggles. At first he could remember nothing clearly, but +his heart retained, like a scar, a sense of thwartings, +disappointments, huge obstacles encountered but never overcome. Then +details began to return to him. Helena, vivid and desirable as in +her most ardent moments, had leaned to him with outstretched arms +from an upper window, and knowing that he was on the brink of the +solution of all his miseries, he had hurried to the door of the +house. It opened and he entered. But indoors the house was empty +and ruinous and he never found the upper chamber from which Helena +had leaned. He wandered from room to room vainly seeking for her, +but whenever he tried to get out of a room the door had vanished and +he searched desperately along walls of solid stone. Once Helena's +voice called him clearly and urgently from the next room, and after +desperate gropings for an exit he climbed perilously up the face of +the wall, clinging to projecting stones, and, pulling himself up to +the top, dropped over the other side. But there he found himself in +another doorless inclosure. Again Helena's voice called to him, but +further away now, and the same terrible struggle began again. It +seemed to him now, as he sat on the edge of his bed, a relief to have +escaped from that frenzied striving. His waking mind was frozen and +empty. The fire had gone out of his pain now; it had become a cold, +dull ache, and he remembered Diocles' phrase of "a fire that had +burned itself out." But with the name of Diocles, the memory of last +night's feast returned and Malchus found that an unappeasable hatred +of that life of refined luxury had entered into him. Its +hollowness--the trivial culture, the aimless contentment, the mumming +and miming, the little rules for gestures and speech which formed its +code of good manners--sickened him. He knew that he could never take +part in it again, but he did not realize that this sudden fierceness +against a mode of life which he had willingly tolerated for years was +merely the blind vengeance of his shattered passions.... + +The process of bathing and dressing seemed to him now a tedious +thing, but it was a thing which had become a part of his life and he +submitted to it and controlled his anger at the restless movements of +the slaves about him, enduring patiently until they should have +finished. + +At last it was ended; but with nothing more to distract and anger +him, he found himself face to face again with the awful emptiness of +his life. A sudden bitterness, like a poisonous spring, flooded his +soul at the thought that there was no longer any motive for this +careful cleansing and beautifying. In the old days, this moment of +the completion of his toilet had been full of delightful +anticipation. Refreshed and invigorated by sleep and with the +heaviness of sleep dispelled and body and mind warm and tingling from +the touch of warm water and the unguents with which he had been +rubbed, he had contemplated the day that lay before him with an ever +renewed sense of adventure. During the last two years his love +affair with Helena had raised this daily pleasure to an ecstasy, for +then he had known that each day held for him the delicious and almost +magical renewal of their love. It was some months ago that he had +first become aware of a change in their relations. In what the +change consisted he could not exactly have said: a faint, indefinable +discord had sounded through the perfect harmony of their love. From +that moment their ardor had declined until Helena's feeling for him +had passed from indifference to something not far from hatred. How +had it started? Malchus did not know. But of this, at least, he was +sure--it had not started with him. No sooner had he asserted this +than a doubt rang a small silver bell in his mind and he became +conscious of things which he had not admitted to himself before--of +little failures, disappointments, wearinesses which had begun, some +months ago, to creep into his rapture. Their passion, formerly so +triumphantly effortless, had, it seemed, reached a limit which could +not be passed, and from that moment it was no longer a wonderful +still-renewed adventure, but a desperate reiteration of the physical. +And with this flagging of their passion he had begun to be aware of a +sense of stress, failure, emptiness, for which the union of their +minds could not compensate. Weariness of the flesh had begun to +assail him. But he had never confessed these things to Helena, for +he could not have expressed them in words; and, even if he had been +able to, he would not have dared, for, in spite of them, he still +desired her. His desire possessed him like a hunger, undiminished, +and as he watched her gradually receding from him the hunger only +became the more fierce. No, his love had not diminished; it was hers +that had failed them. And as he again came round to the unendurable +thought that Helena no longer loved him, bitterness overwhelmed him +and he sat staring again at the empty desolation of his life. By +degrees he came to feel that all love of women was a hateful thing, a +thing of feverish and restless longing whose brief fulfillment always +fell short of the hoped-for ecstasy. Perhaps the weak and clumsy +body was incapable of achieving that passion of which the soul +dreamed. He thought of older loves in the days before he had met +Helena, and he told himself now, in his cold, clear-sighted mood, +that his love for Helena was not the supreme passion of his life. It +was merely one of many. Each of his loves in turn he had proclaimed +to be the supreme passion; that was the illusion by which the fancy +always strove to cheat the soul into a disregard of the sure +disappointment. Each, as he saw it now, had begun with this parade +of flattering delusions, this intoxication which turned a girl into a +creature of more than mortal perfection and a brief quickening of the +pulses into an undying ecstasy, and he recalled the heartache of that +first moment when his eyes met the cold eyes of disillusion, the +sickening weariness of the attempt to pretend that all was still as +wonderful as it had been before. Yes, it was hateful and vile, this +itch for the impossible which no experience could cure. Yet even if +the dream were realized, what would it be worth? An ecstasy of +sensation made permanent would be an agony, a destruction for both +body and soul; it would be a thing more terrible than this +disillusionment and disgust which tortured him now.... + +It was the hour when he had been in the habit of listening to music +or the reading of poetry or philosophy, and now his musicians and the +Greek who was his reader approached to receive his orders. He sent +the musicians away, for he could not have endured the emotional +excitement of even the most sober music, but he retained his reader, +who began to unroll the epic poem from which, during the last week, +he had been reading to Malchus every morning. But Malchus waved it +away. + +"Not poetry to-day, Chalchas," he said. "Read me rather some +philosophy; but not at length, for I cannot attend to arguments +to-day. Read me fragments--passages which will soothe me and help to +banish thought. I cannot choose. Choose, yourself, what you think +best." + +The slave went out and returned with two or three books and a stool, +and seating himself near Malchus's chair, he unrolled one of the +books and began to read. At first Malchus understood nothing. He +could not detach his attention from the pulsing nerve of his misery +and he heard only the gentle inflexions of the reading voice and the +flights of words which dispersed like flocks of sparrows, +uncontrolled by any connecting sense. Then with an effort he forced +himself to focus his attention and gradually the sounds wove +themselves into meaning. + +"What is it you are reading about, Chalchas?" he asked. + +Chalchas looked up from the scroll. "About eternity, sir," he said. + +"'_Hence it hastens to be in futurity_'"--Malchus repeated the last +phrase which still echoed in his memory. "What is it that hastens?" + +"The universe, sir." + +"Good. Read on from there." + +_Hence_, read Chalchas, _it hastens to be in futurity, and is not +willing to stop, since it attracts existence to itself, in performing +another and another thing, and is moved in a circle through a certain +desire of essence. So that we have found what existence is in such +natures as these, and also what the cause is of a motion which thus +hastens to be perpetually in the future periods of time. But in +first and blessed natures there is not any desire of the future; for +they are now the whole, and whatever of life they ought to possess, +they wholly possess, so that they do not seek after anything, because +there is not anything which can be added to them in futurity._ + +The voice read on, but Malchus had ceased to listen. A phrase had +caught his attention and he repeated it to himself, feeling somehow a +vague consolation in it. In first and blessed natures there is not +any desire of the future. Surely it was just in that desire of the +future, the desire to continue his possession of Helena, that his +present misery consisted. If only he could achieve a state of +stability such as the philosopher seemed to be trying to define--a +state of peaceful being instead of this endless craving for the +unfulfilled. Again he focused his attention on the reading. + +_What then, if some one should never depart from the contemplation of +eternity, but should incessantly persevere in admiring its nature, +and should be able to do this through the possession of an unwearied +nature; such a one, perhaps, running to eternity, would there stop +and never decline from it, in order that he might become similar to +it and eternal, surveying eternity, and the eternal by that which is +eternal in himself._ + +Malchus closed his eyes. The words and ideas, only half comprehended +by his reason, brought comfort to his heart. He withdrew his mind +from Helena and from the pain which obsessed him and concentrated it +within upon the pure awareness of being, the eternal in himself. But +soon, by no will of his own, his mind had escaped and was clamoring +again at the doors behind which Helena had withdrawn herself. How +could philosophy help a pain like his? It was beyond the control of +will. This beautiful system of thought in which mind broke from the +bonds of reason and flowered into ecstasy was accessible only to +untroubled minds. + +_We must think of the soul_, Chalchas was reading, _as not receiving +in the body irrational desires and angers and other passions, but as +abolishing all these and as having, as far as possible, no communion +with the body._ + +Chalchas looked up and seeing that Malchus was listening attentively +he unrolled more of the scroll and chose another passage. + +_It is not by running after external things that the soul beholds +temperance and justice, but she perceives them in contemplation of +herself and of that which she formerly was, and views them like +statues set up in herself which time has covered with rust. Then she +purifies them, even as if gold had taken unto itself life and, +because it was encrusted with earth, perceived not that it was gold +and knew not itself; but afterward, shaking off the earth which clung +to it, had been filled with wonder to behold itself pure and alone._ + +As if struck by a sudden thought, Chalchas laid down the book and +took up one of the others. As he unrolled it and began to search for +the passage he had thought of, Malchus's eyes wandered into the court +where a slim fountain leaped from a little grove of flowering plants. +The fountain, he thought, was a symbol of that pure being, always +vividly alive, yet always unchanging and self-sufficing, which the +philosopher vainly tried to define when he wrote of eternity and the +soul. Its clear watery music soothed his sense as the voice of +Chalchas had done; and as he listened the voice rose, gentle and +unobtrusive, again, the words it spoke mixing with the voice of the +water. _Dissimilar Natures ... The Immortal and the mortal ... The +spiritual and that which is deprived of spirit ... The indivisible +and that which is broken by division_,--the phrases danced like +bubbles on the surface of Chalchas's speech, and then Malchus was +once again listening attentively. _For by reason of all these things +there comes upon the soul mighty tumult and labor in the realms of +generation, since we pursue a flying mockery which is ever in motion. +And the soul, declining to a material life, kindles a light in her +dark tenement the body, but she herself is lodged in obscurity; but +by giving life to the body she destroys herself and her own spirit in +as great a degree as these can suffer destruction. For thus the +mortal nature participates in spirit, but the spiritual nature in +death, and the whole becomes a prodigy, as Plato beautifully observes +in his Laws, composed of the mortal and immortal, of the spiritual, +and that which is deprived of the spirit. For the physical law which +binds the soul to the body is the death of the immortal life but +giver of life to the mortal body._ + +Malchus raised his hand as a sign that the reading should cease, and +the Greek, taking up the books and the stool on which he had been +sitting, retired across the court. + + +[Illustration: woodcut] + + + + + _Chapter + Four_ + +Malchus remained wrapped in thought till he was roused by the sound +of approaching footsteps, and, raising his eyes, saw one of his +slaves coming toward him, carrying a long palm-leaf mat which he +spread before Malchus saying: + +"There is a hermit at the door, sir, with mats and baskets for sale." +He stood waiting for Malchus to speak and inspecting the mat +critically; and, believing that Malchus was debating whether he +should buy the mat or not, he added, "The weaving is unusually good, +sir." + +But Malchus had not been considering the mat. The news that a hermit +selling palm-leaf mats was at his door had strengthened rather than +interrupted the train of thought which had occupied him since +Chalchas had ceased reading. Malchus knew from the fact the hermit +was selling mats and baskets that he must be one of the Christian +hermits from the desert. They were familiar figures in Alexandria, +for many of them, having tramped across the burning sands till they +reached the Nile or the southern bank of Lake Mareotis and having +there taken ship, appeared at rare intervals in the city to sell the +work of their hands and so earn enough to buy for themselves the bare +necessities of life. + +Malchus himself, like most of his friends, had been born a Christian +and had been christened, for his parents were of orthodox faith. As +a child, like many children, he had taken religion very seriously. +The ceremonies of the church delighted him: he used to imitate them +very accurately in his nursery, repeating portions of the services by +heart to the astonishment of his nurse. Later he became a great +student of the Scriptures and was much taken up with his own +religious experiences and his successful or unsuccessful encounters +with sin. The priest who had charge of him predicted a pious future. +Then, quite suddenly, at the age of eighteen he changed. +Christianity, he discovered, was fit only for children and women. He +discarded it and proclaimed himself, with Diocles and the other +cultured young men who were his friends, a free thinker with a +sympathy for Greek classicism. They formed an exquisite society of +their own which, helped by Diocles's growing reputation as a poet, +became notorious for its artistic intellectualism, its refined +licentiousness, and the extreme elegance of its feasts. But no man +can change his nature, and in Malchus there was an impulsiveness, a +violence, which was much more in accordance with Christianity than +with Greece; and, though he would have been the last to admit it, he +retained in his attitude to life the mental habit of a Christian. + +But the Christianity of Alexandria, with its endless bickerings and +riots, was a very different thing from the Christianity of the +desert. Everyone in Alexandria had heard of those strenuous desert +monasteries, buried in waterless wastes or high pitched on barren +hills, and of the hermits who fled from even that strict and +primitive existence and led solitary lives of incredible asceticism +in cells built by themselves in the sand-swept wastes of Nitria or +far south in the Thebaid. It was not so many years since Saint +Anthony himself, the greatest of the hermits, had died at a great age +and had been buried in an unknown desert grave, bequeathing his +leather tunic and the coverlet of his bed to the bishop Athanasius; +and the stories which were still told of his lonely battles against +evil spirits and those gnawing temptations which lay hold on men +living in solitude, held a strange and profound fascination for the +earnest, unquiet, and fanatical heart of Malchus. + +The philosophers whom Chalchas had just been reading to him, reduced +life to mere thought and contemplation. In spite of the comforting +ideas which he had received from them, he had realized, as he +reflected on their words, that they could not help him, for his only +hope lay in strenuous action, while all they could offer him was +thought. The idea of a life of thought, of bodily passivity, +terrified Malchus. For one of his violent nature, passivity meant +despair; for passivity, he knew, would leave him at the mercy of his +misery and his desires. For him action was imperative. He must do, +not think, if ever he was to escape from himself and from Helena. He +longed to hand over the control of himself to some directing +discipline, to slave-drive his body, to tire himself out in some +austere bodily labor which should have an arbitrary but supreme +significance.... + +It was thoughts such as these that had leaped, like a sudden light, +into his mind when the slave had told him that a hermit stood at his +door, and it was for this reason that he roused himself and ordered +the slave to invite the hermit to enter. + +The slave, leaving the mat where he had laid it, went off to obey, +and a few minutes later Malchus, raising his eyes, saw the hermit +standing in the court, immovable as a vision. He was an old man, +upright and gaunt. The small, sharply defined features and bright +eyes, looking out from a thicket of gray hair and short, thick beard, +gave an ingenuous, bird-like look to the sun-tanned face. Over his +right shoulder several long mats were slung, like the one the slave +had brought for Malchus to see, and strung on a rope which crossed +the same shoulder and was grasped in his right hand he carried on his +back a great bunch of palm-leaf baskets which rose above the height +of his shoulders on each side of his face. In his left hand he held +a staff. + +After Malchus had beckoned to him twice the old man moved and began +slowly to approach. + +"Come, my friend," said Malchus. "I should like to buy some of your +mats and baskets. Throw them down here and sit down yourself. My +slave will spread out each mat so that I can examine it." + +The hermit flung down his load as if glad to be eased of it, and +Malchus saw that he was dressed in a rough tunic of untanned +goatskin. He wore it with the hair turned inward against his body; a +fringe of hair showed along the rough edges about his throat and +round each thigh. His arms and legs were bare and he was shod with +sandals. He ignored the couch which Malchus had ordered to be +brought for him and sat down on the sample mat, spreading his bent +knees outward and crossing his ankles. Malchus noticed the sharp +shinbones and the extraordinary thinness and brownness of the legs. +On their hairy, sun-parched skin patches of dry scurf showed white +through the black hairs like salt on a brick. He sat immovable, with +hanging head and fixed gaze, and there came from him the pungent +animal smell of stale sweat. Once the smell would have sickened +Malchus, but now it had no repulsion for him, for it savored of a +simple and primitive life free from the luxuries and refinements +against which his whole soul was in revolt. + +"Before we attend to business," he said, "you must have some food and +wine." + +The hermit slowly raised his head. "I should be glad of a handful of +dates and a cup of water," he said in a small, clear, tranquil voice. + +"Wine would be better," answered Malchus. "You are exhausted. A +little wine will act as a tonic." + +The old man shook his head. "To give a tonic to the body," he said, +"is to offer a weapon to the Enemy." + +A slave brought him what he had asked for and he sat silently +munching the dates and sometimes taking a little bird-like sip from +the cup. There was something strangely touching in the spectacle of +him sitting there, quietly ministering to the bare need of his frail +body. For Malchus, in his present state of mind, he was a being from +another world--a world of liberation and new powers, mysterious, +peaceful, and ecstatic. In his attitude and his still gaze there was +the limitless serenity of the desert. Malchus longed to talk to him +intimately and frankly, and after a moment's thought he sent away the +slaves and, leaving his couch, sat down on the floor near the hermit. + +"Listen to me, my father," he said. "I will buy all your mats and +baskets so that you will not need to wander from house to house, +because I want you to stay here and help me with your advice." + +The old man's voice came clear and calm: "Why should you ask a +foolish man for advice?" + +"You are not foolish, my father." + +"I am foolish according to the wisdom of this world." + +"I am not seeking for the wisdom of this world. I know that you are +wise in the wisdom that I desire." + +"If you truly believed that I am wise, you would not want to ask me +questions. You would follow my example." + +"But there are many ways of living wisely--different ways for +different men. Of late, my father, I have been in great trouble and +bewilderment and I cannot see my way. I desire the perfect life but +I do not know how to find it. Recently I have read some of the +writings of Plotinus and Proclus and I have found much that is good +and beautiful in them. When they write of becoming one with the +Divine my soul is drawn to their philosophy, but I am afraid of a +life of thought because I know that I shall not find peace in thought +alone. I hoped that you might explain to me a better way." + +"I can explain nothing. We who are true Christians have no need of +reasoning, because we have the faith which is made perfect through +the love of the Lord Jesus." + +"Is reason, then, of no value?" + +"I will ask you a question. Which comes first, reason or mind? Is +reason the source of mind, or the mind of reason?" + +"I should say that the mind was the source of reason, because +reasoning is an activity of the mind." + +The old man nodded his head. "Then is not a bright and illumined +mind greater than reason? Faith is the divine reason and deeds are +truer and sharper than words." + +"Tell me this, at least, my father. If I become a Christian and a +hermit shall I escape from the love of women and the desires of the +flesh?" + +"No. They will assail you more fiercely in the desert than ever they +did in the city." + +Malchus sat silent. He was accustomed to the impassioned arguments +of the town and was surprised that this old man, who had devoted his +whole life to his faith, should have no desire to convert others to +it. On the contrary, the replies he had given to Malchus's questions +seemed intended to repulse rather than to draw him toward the hermit +life. And yet, in the small, calm voice there had been no repulsion. +It was unclouded by violence or stress, more like the sound of +running water, or the murmur of the wind about walls and roofs. And +turning his eyes to the old man now, he saw that he had relapsed into +his attitude of contemplation, his head bent slightly forward and his +eyes gazing steadfastly before him; and as Malchus watched him he +raised his right arm without stirring his body and, reaching over his +left shoulder, drew over his head a linen cowl which Malchus had not +noticed before. It hung to his breast, covering his face, and when +he had dropped his hand to the ground again he remained immovable in +that attitude, like an idol carved out of wood. + +Malchus rose and sat silent on his couch, occupied with his troubles +and vague desires and afraid to disturb the hermit. But after an +hour of immobility the old man rose, threw back his head cloth, and +began to walk toward the door. He had forgotten his mats and +baskets, but Malchus followed him and, touching his arm, offered him +a handful of money. He stopped and took the money with a nod of the +head, and was on the point of moving again, when Malchus spoke: + +"I beg of you to stay here for a day or two, my father." + +The old man turned his quiet, luminous gaze upon Malchus. "I cannot, +my son," he replied, "for as a fish dies when a man lifts it from the +water, so, if we hermits remain long among men, our minds become +troubled and perverted. I must return to the city not built with +hands." + +"Which way will you go?" + +"By the Lake Mareotis." + +A sudden impulse made Malchus kneel down. "Bless me, my father," he +said. + +The hermit lifted his right hand, and Malchus heard the small, clear +voice above him: "The blessing of God the Father and Jesus Christ the +Son be upon you." + +Malchus rose to his feet. "Tell me your name, my father?" he asked. + +"My name is Serapion," replied the hermit. He vanished quietly out +of the court and Malchus read in his face and movement that he was +setting out immediately on his long journey back to the desert.... + +After the hermit had gone, Malchus fell again into meditation. His +mind was in that state of ferment in which transformations which +normally take shape by slow degrees throughout months and even years, +may occur in the upheaval and agony of a single day. His soul, +disturbed and harassed by the gradual crumbling of his union with +Helena, had revolted suddenly and violently when she had deliberately +flaunted a new lover in his face, and he had turned with all the +fierceness of his nature, not against her, but against the whole life +and society of which he and she were a part. Then, snatching in +despair for some support in the ruin which had engulfed him, he had +seized upon the idea which had attracted him both in the philosophy +of the Neo-Platonists and in the Christian faith--the idea of a life +isolated and self-sufficing, relying neither on human relationship +nor on material support, but deriving its strength from a power +within or beyond itself to which it resigned itself completely. In +that idea he had felt a vague comfort even though the passivity and +emptiness which it seemed to imply had discouraged him. Upon this +the chance arrival of the hermit Serapion had come as a sudden +solution. In the old man's serene detachment, his primitive and +elemental air, Malchus had felt something more than a discipline of +the mind: these things spoke of a discipline of the body, a life of +physical battle, strenuous, unrelenting, the necessary and satisfying +counterpart to those battles of the soul. The brevity of his +replies, the perfect assurance of his faith, had embodied for Malchus +that security after which he was groping. The hermit's impatience of +argument, his lack of any desire to win over others to his faith, had +roused in him more zeal than the most impassioned pleading could have +roused. Now as he sat with bowed head he felt an excitement stirring +within him. He was like one who, having wandered long in the dark, +sees a light moving far ahead and, careless now of the pitfalls about +him, runs straight on, absorbed body and soul in the pursuit of that +vision of salvation. + +It was in this state that his mother found him when, an hour after +the hermit's departure, she came to visit him. She advanced down the +portico, straight and dignified with her grave smile, and at the +sight of her a sudden longing rose in him to drop back into his +boyhood and take refuge again in her protecting love. It was a +momentary impulse, no more; for such a regression, even if it had +been possible, would have carried him back also into a life which had +now grown hateful to him. As he rose to greet her, she saw the +feverish light in his eyes, and when he had led her into an inner +room and they had sat down side by side, she laid a cool hand on his +forehead. + +"Your head is cool," she said. "I was afraid at first that you had a +headache!" And, knowing that inquiries about his health always +irritated him, she went on, without waiting for him to speak, to talk +of various matters--of relatives and friends recently seen or heard +of, and of how Malchus's father had just secured a famous artist to +redecorate their dining hall. + +"You must come and see the designs when they are ready," she said. +"The house will be yours some day, so you, as well as your father and +I, must approve of them." + +Malchus felt himself suddenly recalled by that casual remark to the +world from which in spirit he had already traveled so far, and when +his mother went on to speak to him with gentle anxiety of his future, +he saw almost with the vividness of actuality the life which she +contemplated for him. It was not the life of luxurious +unconventionality which he had led for the last few years. It was +the life of aristocratic conservatism in which he had been brought +up, and the thought of it repelled him as much as the gay life +against which he was in revolt. But the sight of his mother's gentle +and earnest face as she leaned toward him with a little look of +inquiry disarmed all show of antagonism in him. He loved her, and +whenever, as so often happened, their sympathies clashed, he strove +always not to hurt her. + +"We have a feast next Thursday," she said to him. "I know you +dislike these solemn dinners of ours, but come if you have nothing +better to do. It would please your father. Crassus and Pompilla are +coming and are bringing Julia." + +"So you are still plotting, mother!" said Malchus with a smile. + +She smiled back at him. "Well," she replied, "we have not yet quite +given up hope. You cannot deny, at least, that Julia is an excellent +young woman and that it would be a very good match. But if you do +not care about her, there are others. What your father and I are +thinking about most is the children. We were still young when you +were born, but your boyhood prolonged our youth. Since you left us +the house has been too quiet; we feel our age and long for your +children so that with them we can grow young again. Then, as you +know, your father is ambitious for you. We are both proud of the +fact that for generations the family has held high positions in the +state and it has been a disappointment to your father that you have +not followed the family tradition." + +"I only wish," answered Malchus, "that I could satisfy you both in +this, but politics and government have no attraction for me, mother. +If I took up a government post I should be an irritable and +disillusioned old man before I reached forty." + +"A thing too horrible to be thought of! Let us say no more about it, +my boy. It is useless, I fully admit, to do violence to oneself in +such matters. But you can have no such prejudice against marriage. +In that direction, at least, your father and I can reasonably indulge +our hopes." She rose to depart. "And you will come to our solemn +dinner?" Her lip curled humorously. + +"If I am here, I will come," Malchus replied, and he accompanied her +to the house door and helped her into her litter. + + + + + _Chapter + Five_ + +The effect of his mother's visit was to harden Malchus's resolution. +The thought of her alone and his love for her would have made him +hesitate; it was what she represented that steeled his heart. For +the life from which he was flying and the conventional life of the +Alexandrian aristocracy were facets of the same hated existence. A +shudder of loathing shook him and he felt within him a smarting +sourness like a physical nausea. It would be useless to abandon only +his own mode of life, for, if he stayed in Alexandria, sooner or +later, he knew, his parents would recapture him. He must break away +altogether, not only from one society or the other, but from +Alexandria, from civilization itself. And so he shut the thought of +his mother from his mind, for if he were to contemplate for a moment +the pain he was about to cause her, his resolution would give way. +He rose and stretched himself, drawing in a deep breath which +surprised him by turning into a sob. Then with a sudden +determination he went to his bedroom, undressed, and put on an old +leather hunting-suit and a short cloak, and taking a leather pouch +and a water-bottle, a serviceable staff and a little money, he went +out into the court, crossed it, and without a glance behind him +stepped for the last time out of the porch of his home.... + +But now, as he sat on the deck of the ship with his face toward the +desert, this crowd of past events had faded for Malchus to no more +than a thin and vaguely colored mist. His mind could not grasp the +actuality of what had happened; it was numbed into a dream half +tragic, half ecstatic. His bones and muscles ached from sitting so +long on the hard deck and he stood up and stretched himself. From +where he stood he could see the hermit. He was still sitting with +his head covered in exactly the same position in which Malchus had +found him when he went on board. Was it possible, Malchus wondered +with awe, that the old man had never once moved during all those +hours? Having stretched his cramped limbs, he sat down again, +covered his head with his cloak, and became once more a solitary +island of consciousness in the flux of time and tide. Even when the +rowers stopped rowing and shipped their oars he did not stir, nor +until the dry creaking of strained ropes told him that the ship was +being hauled up to the landing place. Then with his cloak over his +head he stood up to watch Serapion. The old man still sat immovable, +but as Malchus watched him, without any show of surprise or of +awakening consciousness, he calmly and deliberately stood up, moved +slowly along the cumbered deck, and stepped on to the stone pier. +Never once did he pause or look behind him, but with the same even +pace he crossed the wharf and made for an opening in the row of white +houses which bordered the lake. Malchus followed him. There was no +danger in following him close, for, as Malchus knew, he would not +look behind him. + +The place where they had landed was no more than a straggling +village, only a narrow belt of fields and vineyards dividing it from +the desert, and soon their feet were plunging in the hot, loose sand +and the long desert journey had begun. + +For a mile the ground rose, making the labor of their going more +arduous still, for at every step the sand filtered away downhill +beneath their feet. At first Malchus fretted himself into a fever, +but looking ahead at Serapion, he saw that he was plodding patiently +on, content, it seemed, that each step should gain a little on the +last; and, striving to imitate him, Malchus found that the exhaustion +which had begun to assail him was more a matter of the mind than of +the body, and that by shutting down his attention to the ground +immediately in front of him and his energy to the achievement of the +next step, he was able to preserve both body and mind from despair. + +When next he looked ahead he was almost at the top of the slope and +Serapion had disappeared. On the summit Malchus paused. He was +standing on a great sandy swell, like an ocean roller dried into +immobility. Halfway down the slope before him the figure of the +hermit, shrunk to the height of a finger, made its infinitesimal +progress across the undulating immensity of bleached gold-dust. The +stark heat of the sun struck down as with a tangible weight and the +sultry sand blazed it back, drier and more oppressive, from below. +As far as the eye could strain there was nothing but sand--sand +smoothed into vast plains, tossed up into hummocks, heaved into +far-running swells, or exalted terrace above terrace in long broken +ramparts. For a moment Malchus's heart failed him at a sight of such +inhuman desolation. Then, without looking back, he began the +descent, following the blurred footprints which ran diminishing in a +long curve from where he stood to the elfin shape toiling with hardly +perceptible movement far ahead. The sifting sand which had made the +ascent so laborious made the descent easy, and by the time Malchus +had dropped halfway down into the great trough of the desert he had +gained ground on the hermit whose pace, uphill and downhill, never +varied. Below him, away to the east, three ants crawled along the +bottom of the trough. Minute by minute they grew larger. They were +camels following the desert track which now began to show as a wide, +traffic-ploughed furrow in the hollow beneath him. Serapion was +crossing it now, and just before Malchus reached it the three camels +passed in front of him and curved away northeastward, their foolish +vulture necks straining out before them, the hooded riders lurching +heavily to their awkward gait. Soon they had vanished into the +emptiness, leaving only their broad spoor to prove that they were not +specters of the wilderness. + +The two travelers toiled on through the blazing afternoon. Serapion +never slackened his pace, and Malchus, his head dizzy with the heat +and glare and his legs aching from the unaccustomed labor, began to +fear that his strength would fail him. It became more and more +difficult to hold out against the despair provoked by the treacherous +and shifty dust in which his feet sought vainly for solid resistance. + +After he had again lost sight of the hermit, Malchus reached the +summit of a still higher crest and came upon him not more than ten +yards ahead of him. He was standing motionless, his arms extended +sideways at right angles to his body, in the form of a cross. Before +them lay a new realm of the desert. From east to west the sands +rolled to the horizon in endless undulations, but in front of them +high terraced ramparts cloven by ravines buttressed a vast tableland +lifted high above that part of the desert in which they stood. +Malchus sank to the ground and a delicious relief flowed like nectar +through his aching body and limbs. He lay full length in the burning +sand, his eyes still fixed on Serapion. The old man, like a traveler +who sees far off his long-desired home, stood rapt in ecstasy. So +long did he stand that it seemed to Malchus's tired mind that the +shape before him was not a living thing, but a tree whose gaunt and +broken branches had been withered by a century of suns. Malchus drew +his cloak over his face and closed his eyes. When he opened them +again Serapion had sunk upon his knees, his head bowed to the ground. +Malchus waited patiently till he should rise again, for he was +determined that, when he did so, he would reveal himself to him. The +hermit remained long in that attitude, but Malchus could neither +meditate nor pray. His mind and body were shaken with agitation and +he could do nothing but lie watching Serapion, waiting anxiously for +the thing on which he had set all his hopes to accomplish itself. + +At last the old man rose, and Malchus, leaping up and stumbling +through the deep sand, ran and seized his left hand in both his own. +The old man seemed to be neither startled nor surprised, but he fixed +his eyes intently on Malchus and, thrusting his staff upright in the +sand, he made the sign of the cross with his free hand. + +"Do not be angry with me, my father," cried Malchus, falling on his +knees and still grasping the hermit's hand in his. "Yesterday I +abandoned my friends and possessions in Alexandria and followed you. +I overtook you at the wharf; I was with you on the ship; and I have +followed you all this afternoon through the sand. Help me, my +father, for you only can help me. I give myself into your hands; I +am your slave." + +In sign of his subjection Malchus threw himself on his face at the +hermit's feet. + +The old man looked down at the prostrate body. "My son," he said, "I +believe that the God I serve will help you if you are in need of +help, and that if your designs are evil he will discover your +craftiness." He spoke thus because he was uncertain whether Malchus +was not an evil spirit sent to tempt him. He recognized him as the +rich Alexandrian to whom he had sold the work of his hands on the +previous day, but this did not reassure him, for he knew well that +Satan, who loves to lead astray the chosen of God, has the power to +assume deceiving shapes. But when Malchus neither cried out nor +changed his shape at the sign of the Cross, Serapion knew that he was +innocent, for no evil spirit is strong enough to resist the holy sign. + +Serapion, therefore, spoke to Malchus, ordering him to stand up. +"For it is not right," he said, "that you should fall down before one +who is a man like yourself." + +Malchus rose to his feet. "What is it that you seek?" the hermit +asked him. + +"I seek to become a hermit," replied Malchus. + +Serapion fixed upon him a gaze that was almost fierce. + +"You do not know," he said, "what you seek. It is not possible for +you, a man accustomed to ease and luxury, to become a hermit. Go +back while the light lasts and you can still follow our tracks. You +will reach the lake by sunset if you start now." + +Malchus met the old man's gaze. "I shall never go back, my father," +he said. "However hard the hermit's life, I know that I shall be +able to endure it. Test me. Whatever you appoint for me to do, I +will do." + +"Have I not told you that you do not know what you are undertaking? +If you wish to leave the world and live a holy life, go to one of the +desert monasteries. There the life is austere but easy. If, after +three or four years there, you feel a desire for great austerities, +it will then be time enough for you to think of becoming a hermit." + +"But I do not seek for an easy life nor a life in company with other +men. I desire solitude and the greatest austerities that a man can +undergo and live." + +"My son, you do not understand what solitude in the desert means. +When a man is left face to face with himself he comes near to +madness, and until he has conquered the hunger of the belly and the +desire of women he is endlessly tormented by dreams and visions. +Even when his desires are subdued, the evil spirits take on a bodily +form, seeking to delude him by day and torturing him by night, coming +about his cell and sometimes even entering in and wrestling with him +body to body: and they fill the night with their cries, more terrible +than the cries of the jackals and hyenas." + +Malchus waited till the old man had finished and then laid his hand +upon his arm. "Do not deny me, my father," he said, "for my purpose +is firm." + +"I deny you for your good, my son," answered Serapion, "and now +trouble me no more, for I have spoken too much and I must delay no +longer in returning to the place where I should be." + +As the old man turned away Malchus fell on his knees and stretched +out his arms toward him. + +At that the hermit turned on him, his eyes keen with anger. "Back!" +he shouted, and snatching his staff out of the sand, he pointed with +it toward the north. Then impetuously turning away, he began once +more with his tireless mechanical tread to draw the slender trail of +his footsteps onward still further into the untrodden waste. + +Malchus lay for a while where the hermit had left him. He was broken +in body and chilled to the heart. For the first time the sense of +his utter loneliness came upon him. Serapion's cruel discouragement +of his aspirations had exhausted him more than all the labors of the +day. Then, easing his heart of a deep sigh, he wearily rose to his +feet and began once again to toil in the track of the hermit. + +For what seemed to be many hours they tramped across the great level +waste stretching to the foot of the long escarpment which rose higher +and higher as they imperceptibly approached it. Malchus, dazed by +the monotonous labor of walking and the huge monotony which +surrounded him on all sides, came to feel that neither he nor the +small digit far ahead, to which he was mysteriously tied by the long +narrowing trail of footsteps, stretched across the virgin sand, was +making any progress, but rather that they were both condemned to toil +endlessly, fruitlessly, and meaninglessly, each eternally alone in a +landscape that never changed. Again he shut the outer world from his +attention and with bent head and abstracted mind followed the trail +step by step, never looking more than one pace ahead. And when again +he raised his eyes it was to discover with a thrill of awe the golden +wall of the escarpment towering gigantic before him. Here and there +its endless length was broken by huge violet fissures. One of them +opened immediately in front of him--a narrow ravine filled with blue +shadow. The track that he followed pointed straight into its mouth +and Serapion had disappeared within. + +To enter the cool dimness of the ravine after the pandemonium of +sunshine outside was a relief so delicious that Malchus dropped to +the ground and, closing his eyes, lay for a while immovable. But the +fear of losing Serapion soon roused him, and with aching limbs he +continued on his way. The ground rose rapidly and the passage was +for a long distance so narrow that two laden camels could not have +passed down it abreast. The sandy floor and the precipitous rocks +that walled it were of the same color as the desert, but here that +color, shaded from the harsh glare of the sun, was mild and soothing +to the eyes. Only, far overhead where the walls of the ravine +inclosed a narrow channel of blue sky, their jagged summits blazed +like a coping of solid fire. + +After a long ascent the ravine bent sharply eastward, and, having +turned the bend, Malchus came suddenly into an enchanted spot. For +here the passage widened out into a great hall and there fell upon +the sight a delicious greenness, and on the ears, blurred and +enriched by innumerable echoes, the babble of flowing water. Malchus +stood and drank in the scene. Not far from where he stood lay a dark +pool in whose center a spring sent up a cone of silver water which +rose and fell incessantly with a soft musical din so inviting that he +could scarcely restrain himself from running forward and throwing +himself into the pool. Flowering reeds and long green ferns waded in +its shallow margins, and from the rock walls festoons of feathery +green starred with white and yellow flowers, hung down till they +trailed upon the grass which covered the floor. The air was soft and +fragrant with green leaves and the scent of flowers, and it seemed to +Malchus that he had suddenly stepped into Paradise. At the upper end +of the hollow Serapion lay stretched at full length under a canopy of +hanging green. Malchus could see from where he stood the regular +rise and fall of his breast. He was asleep; and, lying in that +lovely scene with his goatskin suit, his tangled hair, and his staff +laid on the grass beside him, he appeared to be no longer the stern +ascetic of the desert, but rather the kindly Pan of some Greek idyll. +Malchus, having drunk of the pool and bathed his hands and face, lay +down. His whole body, every limb and every muscle, tingled with +relief. A profound sleepiness descended upon him. The leaves and +rocks about him grew blurred and his eyes closed; to open them again +required an effort almost beyond his strength. Yet he dared not +sleep for fear Serapion should depart before he awoke. How blissful +to fall asleep and sleep on till this consuming weariness was slaked. +It was only by recalling that terrible sense of his utter loneliness +which had assailed him when Serapion had cast him off, that he held +himself to his resolve to persevere. + +[Illustration: woodcut] + +After what seemed no more than a few minutes he sat up suddenly in a +terror. He must have slept, and for a long while, for the hollow was +dim with twilight. The pool was a bubbling vat of liquid ruby and +overhead the summits flared upward into a sky of crimson fire. The +delicious babble of water still flowed on as if to soothe away all +fear and all change. But Malchus sprang to his feet. It was too +dark to see if Serapion was still where he had last seen him, and he +hurried stealthily, his heart fluttering with dread, round the border +of the pool. Then he halted suddenly and struck his hand to his +mouth to stifle a cry of relief, for Serapion had only moved out into +the open and was seated with his back to him in his familiar +attitude. Malchus was sure that in a few minutes he would rise and +continue his march, and at the thought that he, too, must rise and +leave that beautiful spot came the other more overwhelming thought +that this was the last time in his life that he would look upon +flowers and green things and running water. He stretched out his +hand, gathered a broad leaf, and laid his cheek against it, feeling +its cool glossy texture and breathing in its green fragrance. Then, +moving back to where he had slept, he loosed his sandals, flung off +his cloak and suit, and stood naked beside the pool. His flesh shone +pearly and dull in the twilight and the curves of his breast, belly, +and thighs caught a faint rosy lacquer from the gleaming water. From +where he stood he could see the motionless figure of the hermit. +Then he stooped down, setting the palms of his hands on the ground, +and, extending first one leg and then the other, slid into the pool. +Divine coolness inclosed him. What bliss to throw up his arms and +sink forever through cool fathoms of peace and oblivion! But the +time was short and after a brief immersion he crept on to the bank +and, opening his wallet, broke off a piece of his loaf and allayed +his hunger. Then he dressed quickly, for it was now so dark that he +could not see whether Serapion was still there or not, and taking up +his stick, he went forward. + +Serapion was gone, but Malchus could hear him not very far ahead, +stirring the loose stones whose dry echoes startled the hollow. For, +once the ravine left the spring, it became barren again and loose +stones falling from the cliffs cumbered the way. The gloom made +progress more difficult, but when at last Malchus emerged on to the +upper desert a huge moon hung its mottled shield low over the east, +calling a suppressed glimmer from the sand, and from every stone and +every hump and hollow in the sand a long transparent shadow. Already +its light was strong enough to enable Malchus to see distinctly the +slow shape of Serapion moving in front of him, and soon it was +sailing remote and brilliant in the deeps of the sky, and the desert +beneath it shone marvelously white as if shrouded in newly fallen +snow. And as if by the influence of the moon, so absolute a silence +had fallen upon the desert that at the sense of it the heart stood +still and Malchus took refuge from it by fixing his attention on the +swing of his legs and body as he followed the ghost-like shape of the +hermit, less real now than the shadow that jutted blackly from its +feet and was drawn onward horizontally across the sand like a wide +black sleigh. + +Suddenly the tense silence broke in a hideous shriek, and in a moment +a chorus of shrieks followed the first, remote, inhuman, like the +shrieking of tortured souls. Malchus halted, chilled with terror, +and looking anxiously ahead at Serapion he saw that he too had +stopped. His right arm moved; he was making the sign of the Cross; +and Malchus remembered what the hermit had told him of the evil +spirits that haunted the desert, taking the form now of human beings, +now of hyenas and jackals. Following the hermit's example, he too +made the sign of the Cross and whispered a prayer as he moved again +on his way. + +So through the long night they tramped onward, and as, amid the +weariness of the body and the fears of the mind, his thoughts turned +for shelter to the beautiful green hollow in the ravine, and he +realized, with a tremulous ecstasy mixed with tragic regret, that he +had cast love and beauty, quiet happiness and the warm joys of the +body, behind him forever. Ahead of him lay only solitude, +desolation, and strange fears, a life of fierce discipline for soul +and body, a terrible and wonderful life whose grimness held for his +restless and fanatic soul the keen, indestructible beauty of a +diamond. + + +[Illustration: woodcut] + + + + + _Chapter + Six_ + +Upon a high, desolate terrace looking eastward across descending +waves of desert to where the Nile gleamed like the track of a snail +under the long ramparts of the further shore, Serapion's cell stood +half sunk in the loose sand. A mound of sand, driven up by the +prevailing wind, buried its northern wall to within a few feet of the +roof. The southern and western walls were less deeply buried, and on +the eastern side a little trench which the hermit kept clear of the +encroaching sand led up to the door. There was no sign of other +habitation; the little hut stood alone, a solitary watch tower +beneath which the illimitable desert extended north, east, and south, +its pure unbroken desolation changing hour by hour from the blandest +to the most sinister beauty, but always unreal, unearthly as some +waste of the unpeopled moon. + +The sun was dropping toward the west; soon it would dip below the +sandy ridge that rose behind the cell, and Malchus sat in the sand, +leaning his back against the south wall, and watched the slanting +shadow which would soon inclose him. It was the moment when the +long-hoped-for respite from the torrid heat of the day descends like +balm upon the desert. Malchus sighed and leaned back his head +against the warm stone wall. He felt as weak as if he were at the +end of a severe illness, and when he drew in his breath his head, +filled with a strange dizziness, seemed to grow light and +unsubstantial. The desert journey had been long and exhausting. +With little interval for rest the hermit and his undesired disciple +had toiled on through hours of torrid daylight and moonlit darkness, +and it was night again when they reached their journey's end. + +Following Serapion cautiously, Malchus had watched him in the snowy +moonlight as he entered his cell, and had then crept round to the +back of it and lain down in the sand. He had no plan for the future. +It was sufficient for him that he had arrived at his journey's end. +Now Serapion could hardly refuse to help him. To prove to him that +he was capable of severe asceticism, Malchus had determined to eat no +more of his loaf. It lay in the wallet at his side, an endless +temptation. His only indulgence was to take a little sip of water +from his leather bottle twice a day. When first he had arrived he +had sunk, from sheer exhaustion, into a heavy sleep which had lasted +till long after dawn. But the following night, soon after he had +fallen asleep, a wild howl close beside him had roused him in terror +and he had seen a dog-like shape with drooping hind quarters slinking +away through the moonlight. Those drooping hind quarters thrilled +him with horror; they suggested something foul and unnatural, half +vermin and half devil, and the thought that some such prowling +creature might fall upon him while he slept had thrown him into a +condition of alternate sleep and startled waking which was more +exhausting than sleeplessness. Sometimes those shriller shrieks +which had terrified him as he crossed the desert by night had broken +out not far from where he lay, and he had seen black dog-like shapes +moving along the sky line of the rising ground behind the cell. + +Two days passed and Malchus neither saw nor heard the smallest sign +of Serapion; yet each morning, shortly after dawn, he was aware, as +if by some new sense, that the hermit issued from his cell and after +a few moments went in again, and on the third day, as dawn was +breaking, he saw him standing, a pale wraith on the pale sand, +looking at him. He stood for so long that it seemed impossible to +Malchus that, if he had been human, he would not have moved. Then, +without word or sign, he turned and the wall of his cell hid him from +view. Another day passed and that sole appearance of Serapion took +on in Malchus's memory the nature of a vision. Worldly realities +began to fade into something less apprehensible but more intense; his +life passed like a strange, slow dream whose mood fluctuated with the +oppression of the daytime, the sweet, too brief respite of evening, +the dread of night, and the blessed consolation of returning dawn. +At dawn and again at noon and nightfall he tried to meditate and +pray, but when he did so a strange, serene apathy came upon him, like +the apathy of the dying, and it seemed as if his heart and brain had +dissolved into a mist. And by degrees his thoughts dwindled to +nothing but thoughts of food and drink. + +At night he dreamed of meat and wines. He sat again in his old home +or in the house of a friend and watched the slaves enter, carrying +dishes of delicious viands to which the desire of his soul reached +out in delighted anticipation. Then the great crystal flagons would +be set upon the tables; but always as the guests began to take their +places he awoke to his gnawing hunger and remembered once more that +he would never again eat dainty food; and, racked by the craving of +his belly, he felt that he could have sold his immortal soul for +food. Even in his waking moments, visions of food and drink began to +tantalize him and often he would find that he had fallen into a long +revery in which he was devising elaborate meals and lingering +lovingly over the details. Then, with an effort of the will, he +would banish these vain imaginings from his mind and try to fix his +thoughts upon God and the soul. + +At other times he lost the sense of hunger and fell into a mood of +tremulous exaltation in which his senses seemed to have been refined +of all that is earthly and physical. In that mood he ceased to be +aware of the past or the future and existed in a present of subtle +and fragile ecstasy too keen to be called pleasure and too exalted +for pain. This state would hold him for hours and then it would +crumble as if consumed by its own intensity, and in its place would +come a black and mundane despair, or again that tyrannous craving for +food which excluded all else. On the fourth day of his fast he had +yielded so far to his craving as to open his wallet and take out the +fragment of bread. The torrid heat of the desert had dried it to the +hardness of a brick, but to Malchus, as he crouched on his knees, +holding it in his hands as if it were some holy relic, it seemed a +thing more precious than pure gold. He ran his hands lovingly over +it, feeling a delight in the associations which it evoked. Then he +bowed his head to it and smelled it, and instantly, as he ravenously +drew in the savor of it, his bodily nature became one vibrating chord +of desire. He felt the spittle collect in his mouth, and in another +moment he would have been gnawing wolfishly at the crust if he had +not, by a supreme effort of will, flung it far from him on to the +sand and, with a cry like the cry of a wounded animal, covered his +eyes with his hands. The smell of the bread still lingering on his +hands prolonged his struggle, but soon he had gained a firmer control +of himself and, bowed down as he was, he fell into a long, passionate +prayer. + +When he opened his eyes again he saw before him on the sand a shadow +like the shadow of a tree trunk. He raised his head. Serapion stood +there gazing at him. Malchus felt the heart leap in his breast, but +he neither moved nor spoke. He remembered the fierceness with which +Serapion had rejected him in the desert and he expected that now he +would be still more angry. But the old man was contemplating him +calmly and with a look in which there was no trace of anger, and +presently Malchus heard the quiet voice which had stirred him so +deeply when they had talked in Alexandria. + +"What do you seek?" + +"I seek to become a hermit," Malchus replied. + +"While I watched you just now," said Serapion, "the evil spirits were +hovering about your head in the likeness of flies. If I had not +rebuked them they would have settled on you." + +"I am ready to war with evil spirits," Malchus answered, "and with +God's help I shall overcome them." + +"I have told you," said the hermit, "that, being a man long +accustomed to ease and luxury, it is impossible for you to become a +hermit. If you wish to fly from your former life, return at least to +the village on Lake Mareotis where we entered the desert, and work +for your living there in the fields." + +But still Malchus persisted. "Tell me what I ought to do to become a +hermit, and I will do it." + +"I have told you," answered the old man, quietly, "that it is not +possible for you to become a hermit, but if you wish to lead the holy +life, go to a desert monastery; there they will receive you. Here I +live alone and often I eat only once in five days, and even then I do +not eat a full meal." + +He said this to dissuade Malchus from his impossible ambition. But +Malchus replied: "For the last four days, my father, I have eaten +nothing. There on the sand are the remains of the loaf which I last +tasted before the end of our journey." + +The old man, gazing at Malchus, knew that what he said was true. +"Rise up," he said, "and get the bread which you threw away, and come +into the cell." + +Malchus obeyed. The doorway of the cell opened into a little room +whose floor was the bare sand, and its walls the same rough stones as +the exterior. A table stood near the door, on it a mug and two +earthenware dishes, and a bench beside it; on the floor lay a +sheepskin and a great heap of dried palm leaves, and from pegs in the +wall hung a full sack and a goatskin containing water. A doorless +opening led to a small inner chamber having an altar and a wooden +crucifix, and, at the height of a man standing, a little window +guarded by two wooden bars. + +Malchus stood in the doorway with his fragment of loaf in his hand, +waiting to be invited to enter; but Serapion took no notice of him. +He was lifting down the water skin from its peg and, untying the +neck, he poured some water into a dish. Then, going to the sack, he +took out a little loaf and, dipping it in the water, began to eat. +Malchus expected that he would invite him to eat, too, but Serapion +had, it seemed, forgotten him, and Malchus, unable to endure the +sight of another man eating, turned away his eyes and leaned his +weary body against the door-post. + +When Serapion and finished eating he stood up and began to chant the +psalm called "De Profundis." Malchus stood upright and, as Serapion +proceeded to chant the same psalm many times over, he joined in the +chanting. When Serapion had chanted the psalm twelve times he fell +on his knees and began to pray aloud, saying prayers up to the number +of twelve. He did all these things in order to test the patience and +forbearance of Malchus. But Malchus joined gladly in the psalms and +prayers, for he felt that he was now receiving direction and help in +what he should do. + +When they had finished it was already late in the evening and, as +Serapion seemed again to have forgotten him, Malchus resolved to +return to his place outside. It seemed to him now a terrible thing +to be going back to that state of spiritual torpor which came upon +him in his loneliness whenever he had conquered the fierce obsession +of bodily hunger; and so he turned, before leaving his cell, to +Serapion. + +"Will you not give me some rule, my father," he asked, "for +meditation and prayer, for it is hard, without experience, to know +how best to turn the soul to God." + +Serapion was silent. He was considering the case of this young man +so stubbornly determined to take upon himself the hard life of the +hermit. He considered how he had fasted for four days and then, when +bitterly disappointed in his hope of food, had been glad to join in +the long psalm-singing and prayers, and how he had lain in the open +unprotected for four nights and was ready now to go back +uncomplaining to his place. And seeing so much good will waiting +only for guidance to express itself in good works, the hermit was +touched and, stretching out his hand in the dark, he took Malchus by +the cloak and drew him back into the cell and toward the doorway of +the small inner chamber. "Go in," he said, "and twelve times +throughout the night you shall recite the psalm which we recited this +evening. This you must do standing, but between every repetition +kneel down and meditate upon the words until they become the very +words of your soul crying to God." + +Malchus groped his way into the little oratory and stood before the +altar. To spend the night within four walls, undisturbed by the fear +of prowling beasts, was for him the most blessed ease. Though his +body was feeble from fasting and his brain dizzy from lack of sleep, +his soul was warm with happiness at the prospect of passing the night +as Serapion had instructed him, for it seemed now that he had been +rescued from his own doubt and ignorance and that Serapion was +beginning to relent toward him. He was glad that he had been set to +perform not only a discipline of the soul, but also a discipline of +the body. Once during the night, as he knelt in meditation, it +seemed to him that his soul floated away from his body, and he saw +his body bowed down before the altar and, standing upon the altar +above him, the figure of a man with wings. Great wings they were, +curving high above his shoulders and reaching downward to his heels, +and every feather of them was plumed with rays of light. The figure +grew clearer, brighter, it seemed to pulsate with the intensity of +its brightness. Then Malchus's soul began to return to his body, his +body roused itself with a little shudder, and he sat up on his heels +and stared at the dark altar with a dazed mind. But the memory of +the vision filled him with encouragement and he raised his aching +body and stood again to recite the psalm. + +When the daylight returned an unearthly peace had settled upon him. +The voice of Serapion called him from the outer chamber, and Malchus +found him standing at his table before a heap of dried palm leaves. + +"My father," he said to the old man, "I feel that my soul is at rest." + +The hermit looked up from a palm leaf which he was tearing into +strips. "For a little while," he replied, "that is well." + +"And it is not always well for the soul to be at rest?" + +"No, my son, for it is by war and strife, and not by rest, that the +soul advances in spiritual excellence." + +"Is it then wrong to pray to be delivered from strife?" + +"When strife comes upon us we must pray, not that the strife may be +removed, but that we may have patience to overcome the strife." + +"And what if I find myself for a long time at peace?" + +"Then you must pray to God to let the strife return to you." + +"But if strife is good, why do they that seek God fly from the towns +and villages where, as I well know, there is endless strife for the +soul?" + +"Because worldly strife blinds and oppresses the soul; but here in +the desert a man finds only the strife of the heart which is the path +of spiritual excellence. Here the spirit is free from those other +kinds of strife--the strife which arises from the ears, the eyes, and +the mouth. But now," he said, "you must watch me so as to learn how +to make mats and ropes of palm leaves. These dried palm leaves must +be split up into ribbons, and when we have a good supply of ribbons +we must lay them in the trough to soak." + +As he spoke he was splitting up the leaves into long, narrow strips, +tearing the leaf always along the grain, and when Malchus saw how the +splitting was done he took a leaf and began to tear it in the same +way. + +"This," the old man went on, "is the easiest part of the work. It +needs no more than a little care and neatness. But when we have +finished the splitting I can show you at once how to plait, for I set +some other strips to soak last night, that we should not be delayed +by having to wait for these to soak, for the soaking is a matter of +some hours." + +The hermit ceased to talk and he and Malchus continued to work on the +heap of leaves till Malchus's fingers, unhardened as yet by manual +work, were covered with painful cuts from the sharp-edged leaves. +When the whole heap was finished, the hermit stooped and, turning +back the sheepskin which lay on the floor, disclosed a stone trough +from which he lifted a dripping sheaf of ribbons which had been +soaking all night. These he laid on the table and, having done so, +threw into the trough those which they had just split. "Now," he +said, "you must watch carefully;" and choosing the most suitable +strips, he began slowly but with the deftness and precision of an +expert to plait the first rows of a narrow mat. Having done so, he +took the work to pieces and repeated the operation three times. And +when he had plaited it again a fourth time he handed the piece to +Malchus. "Now," he said, "take it, and take these soaked strips, +too, and sit down outside in the shadow of the cell and continue from +the point at which I stopped. Take also the sheepskin there, so that +you can lay the strips on it and keep them out of the sand. When you +have woven to the length of your arm, let me see what you have done." + +Malchus obeyed, and for three hours he sat laboring patiently at the +work, while the free ends of the strips escaped repeatedly from his +inexperienced fingers and worked themselves loose, and the chafing of +the strips hurt the cuts in his fingers, which were becoming more and +more painful. When at last he had woven an arm's length he took it +in for Serapion to inspect. The old man examined it critically, and +then without a word unplaited all that Malchus had done. "The +weaving is very loose," he said. "See that it is closer next time." + +Malchus humbly took up the unraveled strips and went out to begin +again. It was now the height of noon. Sky, sand, and surrounding +air radiated a sultry glow, and Malchus, becoming every hour more +feeble, felt as if he were imprisoned in an oven. So far from +gaining any facility in weaving, it seemed to him that he was +becoming more and more clumsy and, to add to his difficulties, the +strips, creased and twisted by the first weaving, would not conform +to a new texture. His fingers were bleeding now; the blood was +staining the strips; and when after two hours he had finished, he +found that his weaving was as loose as before. When he went in +despair to show this new attempt to Serapion, the old man looked up +impatiently and remarked, after a scornful glance at the work, that +it was no better than before. "Take it to pieces and begin again," +he ordered, and Malchus, concealing his bitter discouragement, went +out and did so, trying again to improve the work. But by this time +the strips were so creased and strained that even the greatest adept +could have made nothing of them, and when Malchus, after a long, +disheartening struggle, had finished, he saw that the weaving was now +looser than ever. Tears of vexation stood in his eyes. He had been +at work for over six hours and he was exhausted in body and mind. +The pain from his fingers aggravated the pain in his heart and he +felt that if Serapion set him to do the work for a fourth time he +would be unable to prevent himself from breaking into sobs. But when +Serapion had again examined the work, he laid it aside without remark +and, turning to Malchus, asked him, "Will you eat, my son?" + +The sudden release from the long strain almost snapped the feeble +cord of Malchus's self-control. Tears ran down his cheeks, but with +a last effort he mastered himself. "You know best, my father," he +answered, "what is right for me to do." + +The hermit, without further speech, set a dish of water on the table +and, bringing a shell full of salt and four small loaves from the +sack, he signed to Malchus to sit down with him at the table. Then +he gave Malchus one of the loaves, and himself took Malchus's dry and +sandy fragment, and they began to eat together, dipping their loaves +in the water to soften them. + +The hard, stale stuff seemed to Malchus more delicious than the +rarest of the delicacies he had tasted at the feasts of Alexandria. +The savor of it on his tongue and in his nostrils filled all his +physical being with delight; but he forced himself to eat slowly, +trembling lest his gluttony should become apparent to Serapion and +should discredit him in his eyes. + +When they had finished, Serapion spoke again. "My son," he said, +"will you eat another loaf?" + +"If you will eat another, my father, I will do so," answered Malchus; +"but if you will not, neither will I." + +"I have had enough," Serapion replied, "for I am a hermit and I have +eaten already to-day." + +"Then, I, too, have had enough," said Malchus, "for I seek to become +a hermit." + +Serapion dropped the other two loaves into the sack again, for he +knew that after so long a fast it would be better for Malchus to eat +no more; and seeing that his strength was almost spent for lack of +repose, he bade him lie down in the cell and sleep, "for fasting and +watching," he said, "are in themselves worth nothing, but only in so +far as they minister to the soul." + + + + + _Chapter + Seven_ + +Malchus had been with Serapion for forty days and during all that +time he had followed with gladness the orderly rule of life which the +hermit prescribed. His thoughts and desires, surfeited of the +refined sensuality of his former life, turned easily to this new life +in which every privation and every act of discipline was for him a +revolt against the hated past. It seemed as if his mind had been +purged of desire, for during all that time he was untroubled by the +lusts of the flesh; and as Serapion permitted him every evening to +eat a small meal of bread and salt or of dried dates, the dreams and +reveries concerning food and wine had ceased to molest him. He had +soon mastered the art of plaiting palm leaves and could now make +ropes, mats, and baskets which would be good enough to sell; and when +the hours of prayer and meditation were over he fell to work on a mat +or basket, rejoicing to see his own handiwork grow under his fingers. +Only twice during these forty days had any human soul penetrated into +the empty desert which inclosed them. Once when Malchus was chanting +a psalm in the oratory he was surprised by the sound of a strange +voice calling out a greeting which was answered by the voice of +Serapion. At the sound of it Malchus forgot his chanting and, driven +by curiosity, began to listen avidly to the conversation which +followed the greeting. But Serapion called to him, bidding him +continue his devotions, and putting a great constraint upon himself, +he forced himself to continue until he had finished the appointed +service. By that time there was silence in the cell, and when he +came into the outer room he found Serapion alone. The old man did +not speak, and Malchus, knowing that this silence was intended as a +rebuke to his curiosity, took up a half-woven basket and went out. +Far below him, swaying faintly above its black shadow on the +immaculate sweep of the desert, a figure no larger than a weevil +toiled southward toward the remoter deserts of Thebaid; and who he +was and why he had come to the cell Malchus never knew. + +The second visitor had come a few days later, leading an ass laden +with baskets and sacks. An hour before he arrived, Malchus, who sat +weaving a basket outside the cell, had seen a small dark blot moving +upon the stainless face of the desert. He had watched it until it +split into two blots, one larger than the other, and then tiny moving +images of man and beast had grown slowly to creatures of natural +size. When they had reached the foot of the slope below the cell, +the driver had left his beast and climbed the sliding bank alone. He +carried a leather sack slung over his left shoulder. The ass stood +patiently below, flapping each ear alternately; from where he sat, +Malchus could see the swarm of flies swaying like smoke about its +head. The man had reached the top of the slope. It was evident that +he did not see Malchus, for he approached the cell cautiously, as if +hoping to escape notice. But before he could reach the door Serapion +came out, and after they had greeted each other he took from the +stranger the sack he was carrying, and then held out his hand. The +stranger made a gesture of refusal. "Do not repay me, brother," he +said, "for by accepting them as a gift you will confer a blessing on +me." + +"Take the payment that is your due, brother," answered Serapion; "for +has not the Lord Jesus commanded us to owe no man anything?" + +The stranger took the money that Serapion offered. "It shall go, +then, to some one who has need of it," he said. That was the end of +their talk. Serapion carried the sack into the cell, and presently +brought it back empty; the stranger took it and with a brief farewell +departed, and it seemed to Malchus a marvelous thing that, living +alone in that inhuman desolation, the hermit should not be tempted to +delay his visitor in talk. + +When he had finished weaving the basket, Malchus returned to the cell +and found the hermit standing by the table, which was covered with +many little loaves of bread and a jar of oil. "By God's mercy," he +said, "Brother Apollonius has brought us enough food for thirty days, +and so I shall be spared the journey to the monastery in Nitria, +which is the nearest place where bread can be obtained. That brother +was once a merchant in Alexandria, but, being desirous to lead the +holy life, he left his business and departed to Nitria; and since he +was unable either to learn any handicraft or to watch and fast to any +great degree, he took upon himself to go at regular intervals to +Alexandria and buy there the things required by the brethren; and +besides this, he carries pomegranates and raisins and eggs and other +needful things to them that are sick among the hermits that live +round about Nitria. Nor is that all; for when that is done, he goes +forth, as now, to visit the hermits who live many miles beyond, +bringing to them the things without which a man cannot live. But for +this he is unwilling to receive payment, doing it for God's sake, and +often when I have been absent from this cell, or praying in the +oratory, I have afterward found food set upon the window-sill or left +at the door. So has Brother Apollonius found for himself a way in +which he can serve God and benefit the faithful." + +While he was speaking, Serapion had taken from the sack the loaves +which still remained there. There were only three of them. "See!" +he said to Malchus. "If Brother Apollonius had not come to-day, I +should have had to set out for Nitria to-morrow." Then with +Malchus's help he dropped all the new loaves into the sack till it +hung from its peg full-bellied as the carcass of a hind which a +hunter has slung by the feet from the wall of his cabin. + +"But the water skin, too, is almost empty," said Malchus. + +"To-morrow," replied Serapion, "I am going to refill it." + +He spoke as if it were an easy matter, and Malchus supposed, +therefore, that there must be some spring not far off. But Serapion +told him that the nearest spring was five miles away; "and this +spring," he said, "is dry for two months of the year, and when last I +filled the skin from it, on the day before I started for Alexandria, +I saw that it was beginning to run dry. It will be quite dry by this +time and so I must go to the river." + +"But the river is many miles away," said Malchus. + +"It is fifteen miles from here," answered the old man, "and as there +is no moon at present I shall have to start early so as to reach the +river before nightfall. At the first hint of daylight I shall start +back, and before sunset I shall be here." + +"I will come and help you," said Malchus, "for the skin, when full, +must be a heavy load." + +But the hermit would not allow Malchus to accompany him, and next +day, when Malchus had finished his prayers, he found that Serapion +was gone and the skin was gone from the wall, and, running +out-of-doors, he espied, far off, the small figure which had grown so +familiar to him during the long journey from Alexandria. Already it +was halfway across the plain which extended, smooth as a sea of milk, +from the foot of the steep descent beneath him to the next great wave +of the desert. For a long time Malchus stood watching it with a +strange sinking at the heart. Then he turned to his plaiting, and +when he looked again Serapion had vanished over the next crest. + +For the first time Malchus was face to face with utter solitude, and +at the sense of it a profound loneliness descended upon him. He +discovered now that, even during the hours when he had been unable to +see or hear Serapion, he had always, by some unknown sense, felt the +comfort of his companionship. For little by little, without being +aware of it, he had fastened upon the old man all those bonds of +human affection which he had so ruthlessly severed when he fled from +Alexandria. Serapion had become for him his father, his mother, and +his dear friend, and, deprived of him, he was deprived of everything. +Everything but himself, for now, as in a fever, he had become sharply +aware of himself as a thing separate from all else. At the same time +vivid memories of his former life began to assail him. One after +another they flowed through his mind, each with its own keen emotion; +and last of all the face of Helena flashed upon his inner eye with +the heart-shaking clearness of reality. He cried out aloud and, not +knowing what he did, sprang to his feet and ran into the cell, as +though to take refuge from some specter or prowling beast. There he +fell on his knees and hid his face in his hands. The discovery that +he had not, after all, escaped from the past, that he bore it still +stored up within him and ready to spring to life and torture him in +his moments of weakness, filled him with bitter discouragement. +Crouching there immovable, he prayed passionately for strength, and +after a while strength came to him and he rose from his knees and +returned to his weaving. He had by now become so expert that he +could work blindfold, and he sat now with his head cloth drawn over +his face to keep off the flies which through the hot hours +incessantly plagued every living thing. But now the hot, veering +note of their buzzing brought comfort to him, for it raised a screen +of sound between him and the huge silence which inclosed him, and +soon the busy monotony of manual labor lulled his heart into +resignation, and at last even into contentment. He was completing +the largest mat he had yet made, and when he had finished the last +rows he secured the loose ends and, standing up, spread it out on the +sand. The texture was beautifully close and even. Malchus heaved a +sigh of accomplishment and surveyed it with pleasure. But as he did +so there came into his mind the occasion on which he had first +completed a mat of sound workmanship and had carried it proudly to +Serapion. Serapion had examined it carefully, nodding his head many +times over it, and had then, without comment, spent an hour in +pulling it to pieces. The ruthless destruction of his handiwork had +pained Malchus deeply, and for the first time his heart had risen in +revolt against the hermit; but he had controlled his tongue and had +gone out and lain for an hour sulking behind the cell. By that time +his pride had submitted and he was at peace again. In the evening +Serapion had recited many times over the verses which contain that +command of the Lord Jesus, "Set not your affections upon things of +the earth"; and when Malchus had learned it by heart Serapion had set +him to meditate upon it, "and do not forget, my son," he had said, +"that to cast off the world of men is nothing, for unless a man has +also cast off the smallest earthly delight, his soul is still of this +world." And next morning, as Malchus went out to work, Serapion had +looked up and said to him, "You have now mastered the art of plaiting +leaves." + +That memory now rose to rebuke his pleasure in the mat which he had +just finished, but this time he did not revolt against the rebuke; he +only lamented his failure to progress in the attainment of +perfection, and in order to purge from his heart the smallest taint +of pride, he sat down and sternly set himself to pick the beautiful +mat to pieces. It was a slow process, not only because the mat was +large, but also because he was taking care not to strain the ribbons, +for he was determined to weave them into baskets. And when at last +he had quite undone the work of many days, he set to work at once on +the first of the baskets and worked on until it was finished. + +By that time the sun had set. Arched immeasurably above the earth, +the sky, deep beyond deep, was one great flame of scarlet. Blood-red +and luminous, the desert from horizon to horizon blazed it back until +in that world of sultry, all-pervading glow the very air seemed red. +It was a moment of mysterious intensity, the symbol, it seemed, of +that august sacrifice in which the divine blood had been poured upon +the world as an atonement for the sins of man. Malchus, caught into +a holy exaltation, stood with uplifted arms; the huge gray crucifix +of his shadow extended down the long slope from his feet. "Redeem me +also, O blessed Lord," he prayed; "burn out my sins with the fire of +thy blood." + +The moment faded. The face of the desert grew ashen-gray and soon +the earth-floored, heaven-roofed furnace had changed to a pallid and +desolate cavern from whose emptiness the chilled heart recoiled. +Malchus lowered his arms, and as he did so a sudden draught fluttered +past him and within a few feet from where he stood a little whirlwind +troubled the sand. It grew, and soon a grim and threatening wraith +rose upward to a giant's height and towered above him. The whirling +sand had gathered itself into a human body. Malchus, speaking aloud +the name of Christ, made the Sign of the Cross, and the life went out +of the wraith and it collapsed into dust before his eyes. But the +sight of it had troubled him. It was as if it had arisen, hard upon +the divine mystery of the sunset, as a sign of that other mystery in +which are hidden the powers of darkness and evil. A cold spasm shook +his body, and, gathering together his work, he retreated into the +cell and by the last vestiges of twilight ate his single meal of +bread and salt. + +He ate slowly because he dreaded the long, empty hours of darkness +which lay before him; for now, for the first time, he realized +complete isolation. He stared at the darkness of the cell and it +seemed to him that it was thick and spongy, a gloom grown palpable. +But the silence was more terrible than the darkness; its infinity and +its horrible imminence shriveled his soul; its intensity seemed every +moment to be on the point of concentrating into some terrible climax. +Later in the night, he knew, it would break in those shrieks and +howls which were even more harrowing than silence itself, and he +found himself dreading the moment when the first howl should come. +Yet silence and darkness and all the fears of the night could do +nothing, he well knew, against the perfect safety to be found in +prayer, and his mind turned to the oratory. But he felt a strange +reluctance to move. If he moved, he felt, he would loose all these +waiting terrors that had gathered silently about the cell. He +controlled himself sternly and, standing up, repeated aloud the psalm +which begins, "Save me, O God; for the waters are come even unto my +soul." The sound of his own voice reassured him and the silence +moved farther away. + +When he had repeated the psalm twice he groped toward the oratory and +paused for a moment in the doorway. Though he heard and saw nothing, +he knew that the oratory was not empty. He waited with beating +heart, and suddenly a fluttering, intermittent draught smote his face +with soft, impalpable blows. Fear clutched at his heart, a fear +which leaped up into horror at a sudden pattering of hands against +the bars of the little window. With his right hand Malchus made the +holy sign upon the darkness and repeated again the same psalm. When +he had finished it he paused again, and now he could feel that the +cell was empty. Then with a braver heart he entered and began his +nightly prayers and meditations, and as he prayed aloud a warm sense +of security settled upon him. Only when he stopped praying and fell +to meditating did the terrible silence return, pouring in upon him +through the window, welling coldly through the doorway, bringing a +sense of the draughty void that encompassed him, till his soul +struggled as if in deep water, and again he took refuge in prayer. +He prayed until his words stumbled into nonsense and his body swayed +like a tree in the wind, and, feeling that he was going to fall, he +leaned against the wall of the cell. The relief of even that little +respite sent a wave of luxurious numbness through his body; his heavy +eyelids dropped for a moment as if by their own weight. Then slowly +the dark form of a human head took shape upon a background of cloudy +gold. It cleared, brightened, took on color and life, and the face +of Helena gazed at him with shining eyes and parted lips of kindling +passion. His own lips moved and he muttered her name with slow, +incredulous delight. + +[Illustration: woodcut] + +Instantly long, derisive shrieks broke in upon the silence, then +other shrieks, and others still, filling the night with an infernal +chorus which roused into ghastly life the boundless void about the +cell. Malchus sprang shuddering from his dream. His body was cold +with fear, for he was convinced now that these nightly shrieks were +in very truth the voices of those powers of evil which tower up out +of the sand or lurk expectant in the silence, waiting for the moment +when one of the faithful, flagging in the endless contest, should +yield to them an accession of power. He prayed loudly and fervently, +and soon the shrieks grew fainter, dying in bayings and howlings +miles away down the wilderness. + +[Illustration woodcut] + +For the remainder of the night Malchus, beating his breast and +wrestling with bodily exhaustion and flagging spirits, persevered in +prayer, remembering what Serapion had told him of the power of +prayer. For once, Serapion had said, when he and the Abba Macarius +had stood by night in the open desert, they had seen a great column +of light set upon a hilltop and reaching up into the sky, and the +blessed Macarius had told him that it was the prayers of the monks in +the great monastery of Nitria ascending to the everlasting throne. +And at last, as if in answer to Malchus's prayers, a gray, watery +light filled the cell and the little window became a gleaming square, +pure and clear as the gleam on a silver shield. Malchus, cold and +exhausted, felt his soul thrilled by the blessed redemption of +daylight, and, dragging his stiffened body into the outer chamber, he +opened the door and went out. + +Below him the infinite gray desert lay dwarfed and shrunk beneath a +vast sheaf of golden light springing far beyond the blue hills which +bordered the Nile. It was as though the prayers of all faithful +throughout the length and breadth of Egypt had been gathered together +into the east. And somewhere, an invisible atom in the lower +grayness, Malchus knew that Serapion must at that moment be toiling +back to him under the heavy load of the water skin. + + +[Illustration: woodcut] + + + + +[Illustration: woodcut] + + _Chapter + Eight_ + +With the return of day Malchus's mind grew calm again and he +remembered the terrors and struggles of the night as a man remembers +vaguely the fever that has left him. Throughout the day he followed +scrupulously the appointed order of his life, but as the day declined +the prospect of Serapion's return roused in him an expectancy so keen +that he could with difficulty prevent himself from running down the +hill and starting off across the plain to meet the old man. But +this, he knew, would displease him, and he resolved that Serapion +should find him faithfully observing his duties. He denied himself +even the relief of glancing from time to time across the desert for a +first sight of him; but he could not quell his inward excitement, and +as he sat weaving with the head cloth drawn over his face his nerves +were alert and tense for the moment of Serapion's return. Even if he +neither saw nor heard him, he would know instinctively that he was +near. But hour followed hour, and Malchus, having finished another +basket, lifted his cowl and saw that the sun was setting. He +gathered together his work and moved with a heavy heart toward the +cell. When he reached the door he saw Serapion standing within; he +had prepared the table for a meal. Malchus's heart leaped into his +throat; his impulse was to fling away his work and throw himself at +the old man's feet. He checked the impulse and waited, humble and +expectant, for Serapion to turn and greet him, and when he neither +turned nor spoke Malchus shrank back, chilled into himself. As he +laid away his work the old man's quiet voice broke the silence, "Have +you eaten, my son?" and when Malchus replied that he had not, +Serapion brought another loaf from the sack and they ate in silence. + +Next morning, an hour before the dawn, Malchus heard the voice of +Serapion calling to him from outside. He rose from his knees and, +going into the outer chamber, opened the door of the cell. It was as +if he had opened a door on eternity. Before him lay the bare, dead +world of a burned-out planet, an ancient world, crushed and exhausted +by the weight of never-ending time. At these twilight intervals +mankind with its loves and angers and unearthly ideals shrank to a +thing of no more account than a heap of stones or a fume of sand +endlessly agitated in the eddies of a pool. Even the face of the +world itself lost its separate reality and became a part of the +expression of some divine or infernal mood, a mystery never to be +fathomed by the mind, but waking in the soul an untranslatable echo. +Malchus stood for a moment thrilled and appalled before he moved out +to the edge of the terrace where the figure of the hermit stood so +lifeless and immovable that Malchus could hardly believe that the +voice which had called him had issued from it. So intense was the +silence that it seemed that, when at last it broke, the whole of +creation would be shivered with it. + +But when Serapion spoke his voice was no more than a mote in the +silence. "My son," he said, "the time has come for you to depart." + +Malchus made no reply. Ever since Serapion had relented toward him +and taken him into his cell he had deluded himself with the hope that +he might remain always with the old man as his servant. Serapion had +become a vital part of his life and the sudden discovery that he +himself had no part in the life of Serapion chilled him like the +presence of death. His only friend was casting him off and he felt +that the heart in his body was shriveling and dying. Serapion did +not even care what happened to him, for he added nothing to the order +that he must depart; and though he had from the first refused to +advise Malchus in his choice of the hermit life, saying that such a +choice must come from within and not from without, yet now this +indifference cut him to the heart. He did not know how careful +Serapion's treatment of him had been from the beginning, nor that +many of the things which had seemed to be accidental occurrences had +been arranged by the old man in order to show Malchus to himself and +give him the needful experience out of which to make his choice. He +did not even perceive that before sending him away Serapion had given +him a foretaste of that absolute solitude which was the hermit's +daily life, and then had waited until that experience had sunk into +his mind and spread its influence there. + +He stood for a long while silent with lowered head, struggling with +his emotions. Then, laying aside all shame, he fell on his knees +before Serapion. "Let me stay with you, my father," he begged. "Let +me be your servant." + +He knew that his request was craven, that he had weakly fallen away +from that unshakable resolve with which he had clung to the hermit +despite the fierce repulse he had received. Where was that courage +now? He waited like a fawning animal for the hermit's reply. + +Serapion replied without looking at him, "He who is a servant himself +has no need of a servant." + +"Where, then, shall I go?" whined Malchus. + +"Your own heart must tell you where to go, my son. But, for to-day, +go out into the desert a mile or two from here and spend the time +till nightfall in meditation. Then return and tell me what you have +decided, for to-morrow you must depart." + +Malchus turned away in despair and began to descend the sandy slope +to the plain below. At the bottom he turned to the right and +followed the base of the hill which wavered away southward. It was +strange, after having lived so long within the little circle about +Serapion's cell, to be wandering alone in the boundless waste of +sand. The forty days which he had passed with Serapion seemed to +include the whole of his life. The rest was dreams, for the days of +his former life had receded far behind him. But the sufferings +through which he had passed had left him feeble and over-sensitive, +and as an uprooted plant seeks roothold in the smallest handful of +earth, so his broken spirit clung to Serapion. Faced with the +necessity of severing himself again from human ties, he shrank and +shuddered as a sick man shudders at the knife. + +He had fallen unconsciously into the patient, unhurrying tread which +he had learned during the long desert journey. The line of the +sandhills now curved westward and, finding a shady hollow carved out +of the hill face, he turned into it. A clatter startled the hollow; +he had disturbed two great birds which towered suddenly upward and +vanished over the sandbank, leaving behind them a heap, half +skeleton, half carrion. Malchus hesitated. He had long grown +accustomed to do violence to his old fastidiousness, but he +remembered that, now that the birds were gone, the carrion would +become a gathering place for swarms of flies, and so he turned aside +and, finding another hollow a little farther on, he entered it and +sat down. + +It was the first time in his new life that he had set himself to +meditate on earthly matters. Hitherto his meditations had been a +discipline of the soul, teaching it to ascend by means of prayer into +the presence of God. Now, having shared for a while the life of a +hermit, he must decide whether he had the will and the strength to +follow that life himself. But he had made that decision once for all +when he had left Alexandria and followed the steps of Serapion. Why, +then, should he decide again? But Malchus knew that in truth he must +decide again, for the first decision was made in ignorance and under +the impulsion of a great storm of passion. Now he must decide out of +experience and a quiet mind. Yet in his present mood how difficult +it would have been to decide if he had not had that first impetuous +decision to fire his will. For now his will was weak and passive, he +could, of himself, have willed nothing positive. That strong craving +for a life of self-discipline and fierce austerity had died down now +to a mere acquiescence; now he felt strongly only about the things +from which he recoiled, for from his old life he still recoiled with +all the force of his being. + +An hour passed, then another, and by degrees, as a flower draws +moisture from the soil in which it grows, his mind drank in something +of the peace and silence which surrounded him. The shock had spent +itself. He grew reconciled to the thought that he must leave +Serapion. With the return of calm he could see more deeply into the +hidden places of his spirit and he perceived that the days of stern +discipline through which he had passed had planted in him a growing +fervor, an aspiration which was becoming gradually more and more +clear, as if the whole strength of body and soul were drawing itself +together and fusing into one burning core. He felt, too, and mistook +it for a virtue, the fanatic's pride in those mortifications of the +flesh which in themselves are less than nothing. And as he fell to +pondering again the hermit's life, the most arduous and the most +exalted that man can pursue, his soul took fire and he longed to +submit himself to the fiercest rigors of which man is capable. In +the intensity of his emotions he rose to his feet and stood upright +with glaring eyes and hands crossed upon his breast. The life he had +chosen lay visibly before him, a ravaged waste beset with hunger and +thirst and parching heat, with foul beasts and devils and the hidden +terrors and torments of endless nights, and at the end of it that +high Paradise of green boughs through which the wings of archangels +moved like great lilies of scarlet and gold about the ineffable +throne of God. From the wilderness around him he reached out his +arms toward that remote salvation, struggling toward it across the +obstacles that clogged his steps. But in a moment the vision had +faded and he stood again englobed in the parched and glaring gold +dust of the sandy hollow. In the exaltation of his dream he had +staggered forward in the loose sand, and now he stood blindly +wondering which of the two worlds was the real one, telling himself +that this world of sand and heat which was so often present to his +mind was but a ghost, and that the true reality was that spirit world +to which the soul ascended only in the rare moments of divine +ecstasy. As the sun dropped into the west and the material world +melted again into the nightly holocaust, he knew that he stood on the +edge of eternity and looked for a moment through the veil of things +seen into the unspeakable mystery beyond; and as he turned back +toward Serapion's cell, walking through the sunset as the three holy +children walked through the fiery furnace, he felt that his mind had +grown stern and unshakable as adamant.... + +When Serapion heard that Malchus was resolved to take upon himself +the burden of the hermit he was filled with gladness. "Blessed be +God and the Lord Jesus," he said, "who have given you the strength to +choose aright. Far be it from me now, my son, to discourage you. +Know then that six miles from here, to the south, there stands a +lonely cell. Fifty years ago the blessed Poemon built it with his +own hands and lived in it till the day when he rendered his soul to +God. He died in the act of prayer, for when two of the brethren +found him his dead body was bowed before the crucifix. Last time I +went by the cell it was falling into ruin; it is for you to rebuild +it. To-morrow, then, at dawn we will set out and you shall take with +you tools--for I have some here--to help you to restore the place. +You shall take also a half of our loaves and the water skin that I +have just filled." + +"But I cannot take the water skin, my father, for you have no other." + +"Do not trouble yourself about that. If it were not right that you +should have it, I would not give it to you. But go out now and scoop +away the sand from the south wall of this cell. You will find buried +there an ax and a spade." + +While Serapion had been speaking, that tremulous sense, half fear, +half delight, which is the very spirit of life, had crept into +Malchus's heart and, going out as Serapion had directed him, he found +the ax and the spade and brought them into the cell. + +"To-night," said the hermit, "you must sleep, for when we have need +of the body we must minister to the body." + + + + +[Illustration: woodcut] + + _Chapter + Nine_ + +The air was gentle and cool when they started southward next morning +an hour before the dawn, carrying the spade and ax, the water skin, +and two large baskets full of loaves. The desert, pale and +impalpable as mist, lay gray and smooth before them, and Malchus felt +that he was withdrawing still farther from the living world of men +and rivers and green things, pushing on into a realm void of all +outward life, the very battle ground of the soul. His heart was +firm; with every breath he seemed to inhale a courage and power that +were not of this world. Soon the long sky line on their left had +lightened to a pale, crystalline green which before long became so +intense that the eastward facets of every stone, every sandy hummock +and tuft of hard desert grass, gleamed with a wash of greenish light. +Their own slowly plodding figures were modeled on the left sides, +even to the smallest fold and feature, in green and gray, and sharp +green edges danced upon the ax and spade and the burdens that rose +and fell with their moving backs. And as if that light were sensibly +cold, a cool breath from the east touched cheek and hand and leg. +Then quite suddenly night had become day, for green had flushed into +saffron and saffron into orange. Malchus looked behind him. +Unbroken desert stretched northward; the high ledge on which +Serapion's cell was perched, so humanly familiar to him that it had +come to be for him the very center and meaning of the northern +desert, was lost in formless desolation. But the south, in this +morning light, held nothing sinister; its pure solitude wore the +pale, flushed beauty of a flower, and as they tramped onward Malchus +drew into his nostrils a subtle tremulous peace which thrilled both +body and soul. He closed his eyes for a moment and it seemed that +his brain tingled with its gentle intoxication. In the depths of his +mind, like dusky weeds waving on the bottom of a dark pool, the +knowledge that to-night and every night henceforward he would be +alone, utterly alone in this empty world, sent up a bubble of pain +into his consciousness, and for a moment he lived again through the +emotions of his one solitary night in Serapion's cell. But soon his +exaltation of mind had exorcised all human weakness and he strode +along at the hermit's side, strong and full of courage. The sun grew +fierce; their lips clove to their teeth and the spittle turned thick +in their mouths, and as they moved stubbornly on they were surrounded +by the acrid fume of their own sweat. + +It was still early when Serapion pointed to a hill not far ahead of +them. Gaunt and bare, it rose above the plain like a ruined city +which the desert had swallowed. But there had never been any city +there; it was primeval rock and sand, and century by century the +winds and rains were eating it down to the level nonentity of the +desert. + +Serapion stretched out an arm. "Upon that eastern slope," he said, +"a broken rock juts from the smooth line of the hill." + +Malchus shaded his eyes with his hand. "Yes," he said, "I see it, +midway between the summit and the level ground." + +"That is the cell of the blessed Poemon," said Serapion. "In half an +hour we shall reach it." + +Malchus stared at the small tooth-like projection, and in face of the +iron reality his heart sank. How willingly at that moment would he +have bound himself to tramp on forever through the hot sand at +Serapion's side. Vain wish, for step by step the cell became more +real, more inescapable. Soon it would reach its full stature and +swallow him forever.... + +Like two great vultures about a foundered ewe, Malchus and Serapion, +the only moving things in a motionless world, paced about the cell, +examining it carefully and scarring the virgin face of the sand with +their footprints. The cell, like Serapion's, was a small square +divided by a partition into an outer chamber and a small inner +oratory. The eastern wall, which had contained the door, had fallen +into ruin, and with it the roof had collapsed, and a part of the +other walls, but the oratory was still intact, though it was half +filled with drifted sand which, year by year, had been blown in +through the doorway and window. + +"Here, my son," said Serapion, "is a refuge already prepared for you. +See how God has preserved the inner room, which is the place of +prayer, for a sign to you that however much the outer man is +afflicted and maimed, the soul within is a refuge which no power can +destroy." + +Malchus took up the spade and, going into the cell, began to shovel +the sand from the oratory. It was hard work for a body weakened by +long fasting, and as he labored the sweat ran down his body and fell +from his face in drops into the sand. He labored all morning and on, +with flagging strength, into the afternoon; but before he had half +cleared the chamber he was breathless and exhausted. Meanwhile +Serapion had been scooping away the sand outside the cell with his +hands and had brought to light some of the stones of the ruined wall +and also a wooden door and a great earthenware trough. They rested +for a while in the shadow of the cell and ate and drank a little, +"for," Serapion said, "when the body labors for the soul it is worthy +of its hire. To-morrow," he continued, "you must pile these loose +stones into a heap ready to hand for rebuilding, for if you do not +the sand will soon bury them again. But, as you see, we have found +none of the old roofing. The thatch has long since been scattered by +the winds and who knows what has happened to the fallen beams. But +two miles westward from here there is a grove. It is the place of +which I told you, where there is a spring at which I fill my water +skin. There you can cut some new beams for your roof and gather +reeds or grass for the thatch. There, too, you will find fallen palm +leaves for your weaving. Take up the ax and we will set out now. +There I shall leave you, for I must go back to my cell. There is no +wind, and will not be to-day or to-night, so you will easily find +your way back here by following our footprints. But first let us +move the loaves and water skin into the oratory and set up the door +to close the entrance." + +When this had been done, Malchus and Serapion set out slowly through +the burning sand.... Malchus stood alone under tall palm trees whose +fans wove a shady roof overhead. There were other trees, too, and +parched herbage and spiny thickets. The ground was strewn with +fallen palm leaves and here and there a fallen tree or a broken +branch. The pool of the water spring was parched dry; withered +leaves stuck like scabs to its white stones. Not a breath stirred. +A silence more awful than the open silence of the desert held the +place under a spell. Malchus felt himself crushed by the weight of +its solitude. Serapion had just left him, carrying with him a great +bunch of dry palm leaves which he had collected for his weaving, and +Malchus, standing there alone, felt that there was no longer any +reason for living. For some minutes he stood immovable, lost in a +mournful revery; then with a great effort he flung off his oppression +as if it had been a physical burden and took up the ax. + +He chose a fallen bough of suitable thickness and began to lop off +the twigs and then to hack it into equal lengths. The wood was hard +and the loud ring of the ax broke profanely on the silence. He cut +three roof timbers; it was the most he could carry; and he realized +for the first time how many journeys to the grove he would have to +make before he had collected enough wood to cover his roof. Now he +hoisted the three timbers on to his shoulders, and, straightening his +back, began to move away. Burdened as he was, his feet plowed deeply +into the loose sand and several times he had to throw down the +timbers to ease his bruised shoulders. + +By the time he had come within the sight of his cell the light was +reddening toward sunset. The scene before him reminded him of that +other sunset when Serapion had gone away to fill the water skin. The +same process would repeat itself now--the brief glaring holocaust of +earth and heaven, and then the ashen death which so quickly followed +it, and Malchus remembered the grim wraith which had taken substance +before his eyes out of the sand. But Serapion had warned him not to +allow his mind to indulge in idle imaginings, and, having thrown down +his burden, he began to collect together some of the scattered stones +of the ruin into an orderly pile. But before he could do much the +light faded and he lifted away the door from the entrance of the +oratory, went in, and, having set up the door again behind him, began +to pray. It had been a strenuous day, and body and soul thrilled +with a sense of accomplishment. He prayed easily and joyfully, +asking for strength and blessing in the life that lay before him. + +As the rolling tracts of desert stretched every way from the small +point of earth which was his cell, so, it seemed to Malchus, his +future life stretched forward into the years, clear and smooth from +the moment in which he stood. He confronted it calmly, and a sense +of greatness--the greatness of time and of space and the great spaces +of the spirit before which the other greatnesses are as +nothing--filled his soul. He rose refreshed from his prayer, and +having eaten a loaf he lay down to sleep, for Serapion had warned him +that during the period in which he labored daily at the rebuilding of +his cell it would be necessary for him to take more food and sleep +than at other times. + +Throughout all that time Malchus lived contented, his energy divided +between prayer and hard bodily labor. His body was healthy with the +daily toil and his mind, sufficiently occupied by the work, kept +clean and limpid; the turbid sediment of past miseries, vain regrets, +and tormenting desires, had sunk away into unconsciousness. The cell +growing daily before his eyes, the difficulties of inexperience +confronted and solved, the expeditions to the grove for wood and +later for stones--for he used up all the stones he could find near +the cell and still needed more--kept his life free from monotony, and +it was not until, after many weeks, the work was nearing completion +that he remembered that the life he was living was not the hermit's +life, but only the preparation for it. Then he began to look forward +with something like fear to the day when all would be finished, for +then there would again be a great emptiness in his life. Then he +would stand face to face with himself once more and it would need all +his strength to live worthily in the sight of God. Then would come +an end, or almost an end, to his journeys to the grove and his life +outside his cell, for Serapion had told him that the hermit must +never leave his cell except in case of necessity. Malchus knew that +the life he was leading at present was not in itself profitable, for +though it protected him from evil, it did not enable him to advance +in spiritual excellence. It was a life apart from good or evil, like +the life of an animal: and, thinking how calm and even pleasant it +had become to him, he remembered how Serapion had said that it was +not well, except for a very little while, for the soul to be at rest. + +That night he awoke in sudden fear with the sense that evil was close +to him, and next morning he saw that the sand round about his cell +was pitted by many footprints. They were the footprints of +cloven-footed creatures. One of them, larger it seemed than the +rest, had entered the doorless outer chamber and had stood at the +very door of the oratory, and Malchus, knowing that the powers of +evil were drawing closer about him, thenceforward forced himself to +work and pray more strenuously and to eat and sleep less. + + +[Illustration: woodcut] + + + + +[Illustration: woodcut] + + _Chapter + Ten_ + +And with the end of the labor of building came the end of +contentment; for now all the easy purposes had gone out of his life +and there remained only the high purpose of the hermit, too remote +and difficult, it seemed, except for the rare moments of ecstasy. +For some time he lived sunk in a profound depression. His body, +deprived of healthy labor, rose up and tormented him. He prayed for +long hours both day and night, but no comfort came to him from his +prayers and it seemed to him that time had swept onward and left him +stagnating, body and soul, in a shallow pool. His cell became +hateful to him, and the weaving with which he tried to combat +idleness was now a joyless drudgery. He felt nothing of that +spiritual zeal which he had hoped would come to him when he had +finally laid aside all worldly cares. Far from it. His life grew +torpid and inert, lower than the life of the lowest beasts. His soul +was an empty husk, his body vile, and his mind, emptied of all living +occupation, began more and more to lose itself in the past. Old +memories crowded about him and imprisoned him in their ghostly being +and it was only by a fierce and exhausting watchfulness that he was +able to drive them off. But they took revenge upon him by returning +to him in his sleep, and he would wake horror-stricken from long +rambling dreams of feasts and, worse, of sudden meetings with Helena +or one of his earlier loves. One night Helena stood close beside him +and touched him, sending a shudder through his flesh, half rapture +and half terror, and he awoke suddenly with the sense of her +penetrating every bone in his body. His cell was dark and cold as a +tomb; a terrible silence held the desert and he felt the invisible +presence of evil waiting breathless to fasten upon him. He sprang up +and, beating his breast with his clenched fists, he prayed with a +loud voice to shut out the unendurable silence. Could it be that in +the sight of God a man was responsible even for his dreams? The +violence of his nature was roused once again. By a great effort he +threw off the deadly torpor which oppressed him and resolved to +submit himself to a still more rigorous rule of life. Thereafter he +ate only once in two days and slept for three hours only in +forty-eight. He left his cell only once, at dawn, for his need, and +when he did so he covered his face with his cloak for fear that the +beauty of the world should weaken his spirit; and, that no opening +should be left through which idle thoughts and waking dreams could +assail him, he set himself an unalterable routine of recitation, +prayer, meditation, and manual labor. + +So he lived for many weeks; but in vain. For even when he had so +schooled his body that his mouth and belly had almost ceased to +clamor for water and food, his mind tormented him by urging him +continually to go out from his cell, and whenever he ate or drank, +the evil spirit of unrest tempted him, whispering, "Sip a little more +water and eat another small crust of bread, for when these are +finished it will be necessary for you to go out and seek more." But +one morning, when only three more loaves remained, he opened the door +of his cell and found a sackful of loaves leaning against it; and he +took in the loaves, understanding that they had been sent for a sign +that he must not leave his cell. But next day, when he was weaving, +he finished the last of the palm leaves, and the spirit of unrest +said, "Now at least you must go out, for unless you collect more +leaves you will be without work for your hands." But Malchus +hardened his resolve and, taking the largest mat he had woven, he +picked it to pieces and so provided himself with enough material for +many days' work. But soon he had finished the last drop of his +supply of water and the spirit of unrest within him was glad, because +now he would have to go to the grove to draw water, since man cannot +live for long without water. But Malchus was strict with himself and +determined that he would wait for a whole day without water, so that +he might discover beyond doubt if it was God's will that he should go +out of his cell. And throughout the next day no water came; his lips +and tongue were parched and even the little water in the trough had +been sucked up by the heat, so that he could not soak the leaf strips +for his weaving. Then joy sprang into his heart and he took down the +water skin and went out into the sunlight. + +The day was still mild and it was a relief to move his cramped limbs +and to gaze once again into the pure, unconfined freedom of the +desert. The air was clean and cool against his skin and he recalled +that moment in the green hollow when he had lowered himself slowly +and rapturously into the pool. His progress was slow because of the +deep, powdery sand and the weakness of his body, but it had now +become natural to him that the ground on which he walked should +always be sand, and he plodded on undistressed till the delightful +green of the grove came in sight, and then took him to its shadowy +heart. The spring, as he had expected, was flowing again. Where the +white, parched stones had been, a crystal basin stood brimful, and +the spell of the water had called up a fresh leafy fringe about it +with flowers springing up among the green. Sprays of silver bubbles +twirled up through the dark, clear, solid water. It was as if the +spirit of peace and coolness had taken form in a crystal. Malchus +sat down by the spring and wept. He made no attempt to restrain his +tears, but allowed them to flow on, finding a relief in them as +though all the hard and stubborn things in his heart were melting +away. After he had sat there for a long time he rose and filled the +water skin and, laying it down by the spring, he began to collect the +fallen palm leaves. And as he roved from palm tree to palm tree with +his eyes continually on the ground, the pleasure-lover in him kept +asking him why he should not always live in this grove and why +Serapion should not live there, too. What had they gained by living +solitary in the barren desert that they could not have gained by +living here? Then the fanatic in him showed him to himself as the +great saint depending on no earthly support whether of human love, +earthly beauty or pleasant food and drink; and, thinking of the weeks +during which he had lived in solitude and of the exiguous diet he had +endured, he grew reconciled to his arid life, for was he not already +of that company of chosen souls whose lives are beautiful in the +sight of God? + +He had collected enough palm leaves, and now he raised his eyes from +the ground. He had wandered a long way from the spring, and, +hoisting the bunch of leaves on his shoulder, he turned and began to +make his way back to it, for there he had left the water skin. When +he reached the spring he was astonished to see a man sitting beside +it. His hair was grizzled; he was almost an old man. Two newly +skinned pelts lay on the ground beside him. He had laid them with +the inward sides uppermost to dry in the sun. The livid surfaces +shone like polished granite and flies buzzed loudly about them. + +"Where do you come from?" Malchus asked him, "and how long have you +been in the desert?" + +"I am a hunter, as you see," the stranger replied, "and I have been +in this country for eleven months. During all that time you are the +first man I have seen." + +The two, unwilling to part in that inhuman solitude, stayed long in +talking, their eyes scanning each other as if in wonder at the sight +of a human creature. At length, with a sigh Malchus took up his +water skin and, full of sadness and discouragement, journeyed toward +his cell. When his knees began to fail under him and it became +necessary for him to rest a little, he threw down his burden and, +lying down beside it, fell into a melancholy meditation. Then he +rose to his knees and smiting himself upon the face cried out: "O +Malchus, well may you think that you have done nothing, for you have +not endured even the solitude of this hunter, who is a man of the +world and no hermit." And he went on his way even more slowly than +ever, for despair was upon him, and he felt a great reluctance to +return to his cell. It was as though during those few hours of +liberty he had escaped into another world--a tender world of green +leaves, running water, and human sympathy--and at the first sight of +his cell across the sandhills he felt like one returning to prison. +Yet he knew that it was his true self which was driving him back and +which told him now that he had sinned that day in lingering beyond +what was necessary in the grove and delaying in talk with the +hunter.... + +With the night, as if it were the instant sign of his relapse, the +creatures of darkness gathered about his cell, howling in a dismal, +mocking chorus, answered by wilder shrieks from the distance, as +though other hordes were hastening up from the heart of the desert. +Once there was a beating upon his door, as if the evil spirits, grown +bolder, were clamoring for entrance. Then a long silence; and +Malchus listened, his forehead wet with fear, for he knew that the +demons had not departed, but were lurking silent about him. Suddenly +some soft, light thing struck him on the face. He flung out his arms +in terror and loathing, and there followed a wild beating of hands +against the bars of his window. He dared not raise his voice for +fear he should betray the corner in which he cowered; but he prayed +silently, fervently, and without remission, often making the holy +sign upon the darkness. Then, as if tortured by the sign, the +creatures set up their howls again. It seemed that they were all +round the cell; he could hear them breathing and buffeting against +the door. It was not until the dawn was near that all became silent +again, and now it seemed that the silence was empty. The evil +spirits had gone. Malchus, exhausted by fear and the urgency of his +praying, fell asleep. + +Many hours later he awoke to a gentle, continuous noise, as if heavy +drops were pattering on the sand or the sands themselves on every +side were seething and shuffling with a life of their own. His fears +leaped up once more, but when he opened his eyes he saw that the sun +was shining. The honest light of day restored his courage and he +rose and opened the door of his cell. His heart leaped to his +throat, but next moment he was reassured, for when he had realized +what he saw it was harmless enough. A large flock of sheep was +passing his door. The expanse of broad, woolly backs spread before +him, each with its own agitated movement. It was like the Nile in +flood, its surface broken into hundreds of muddy waves and eddies. +At the edges of the flock he saw the meek shaven heads, and here and +there the pink strip of a panting tongue. The rank, oily smell of +fleeces filled the air. An old shepherd was leading them--the only +upright figure in the humble crowd--and seeing Malchus at his door, +he turned aside to speak to him, sitting down by the cell with his +back against its wall. He was a Lybian and it was with some +difficulty that they conversed. The flock, deprived of its leader, +stood still, and as Malchus and the shepherd talked, their talk was +accompanied by a chorus of melancholy bleating. Above its long +droning rose individual voices of every tone from the deep and +guttural to the plaintive wail. It was a sound infinitely hopeless, +like the crying of children led into captivity. + +"What are you doing here in the desert?" Malchus asked the shepherd. +"There is nothing here for your sheep to eat." + +"I am taking them down to the marsh of Scete to eat the green herb," +the shepherd replied. "My village is twenty miles from here, and +once a year, after the flooding of the river, we lead the flocks down +to eat of the herb. Now they are hungry and exhausted, as you see, +but I hope to bring them to the marsh by midnight." + +He wore a little bag slung about his shoulders, and now he pulled it +round on to his lap and opened it. Malchus saw that it contained a +bunch of some kind of greenery. "What is this?" he asked. + +"This is my food," the old man replied. + +"And have you nothing else to eat?" + +The shepherd shook his head. "For the last thirty years," he +answered, "I have eaten nothing else. I eat once a day and drink as +much water as I need. By living thus I am more free than if my body +needed the food which can be found only in villages and human +habitations. I am free, too, of the need of money and I give the +wages paid me by the owner of the sheep to those of my people who +need it." While speaking the shepherd had risen to his feet, and the +wide expanse of woolly backs, as if in response to his movement, was +stirred once again by numberless agitations. Then Malchus fell down +at the feet of the shepherd: "O my father," he wailed, "I imagined in +my pride that I had attained to abstinence, but you are worthy of a +greater reward than I, for I have eaten bread which is made for me by +others and have drunk water which another has drawn for me." + +The old man looked down upon Malchus in bewilderment, and then as if +wishing to escape, turned and moved slowly upon his way. And +immediately the flock began to advance, jostling together and then +expanding; then, closing together again, it settled into its habitual +density, following the slow steps of its shepherd. + +"When do you return?" Malchus shouted after the old man. + +The shepherd slowly turned his head. "You will not see me again," he +shouted back. "They will graze along the marsh northward for several +days and we shall return another way." + +Soon the faintest sound of them had drained away into the silence of +the desert, and by noon even the sight of them was no more than a +pale irregular stain on a linen cloth.... + +During that day Malchus found that his despair, so far from having +been relieved by his recent escape from solitude, had increased. +Pondering in his cell upon his meetings with the hunter and the +shepherd, he understood that God had driven him out of his cell in +order that he might learn from them that all he had achieved in the +life of solitude and fasting was in itself nothing and that others +had accomplished much more in the mere course of their business; and +as he examined his life, he knew that, for all his desire to pursue +excellence, it was stagnant. Yet what else could he do but pray? +Despair came upon him, and thenceforward he was even more restless +than before. He found himself inventing small reasons to leave his +cell, and when he had set his mind against them he felt none of the +triumph of conquest, but only a darker despair. And more and more he +was tormented by dreams, dreams that rose from his buried desires, +setting before him fearful temptations to which sometimes he yielded +with a frenzied self-abandonment. Then he awoke with the terror of +sin upon him and the dreadful certainty that evil--evil in the +material form of horrible physical presences--was closing inexorably +about him. In the worst of all these dreams it seemed that his whole +life had become a mockery and a snare. It was the familiar scene of +a feast at the house of Diocles, the scene that haunted him so +persistently. He himself, in the dream, kept changing from the old +Malchus to Malchus the hermit; for his impulse was to obey his +desires, but when he began to do so immediately a freezing fear held +him back. And all the material things of his dream changed, too, +from one nature to another. He reached out his hand to a peach, but +when it touched his lips it was changed to vileness and corruption. +The wine in his glass turned in his mouth to mud and sand. Last of +all, Helena, leaping from one of the couches as the girl Thaïs had +done at that last feast in the house of Diocles, came across the +dining hall toward him with her lovely, half-mocking smile. He +smiled back at her, stretching out his arms; but, when she drew +nearer, a white terror like leprosy laid hold of him and he thrust +her off, covering his face with one hand. But Helena forced herself +upon him, bending over him, weighing upon him; and gazing up at her +in mortal terror, he saw that she had changed to a vile hag with +parched skin and bleared and yellow eyes. He struggled wildly. A +great weight on his chest smothered his cries, but at length he broke +through the dream into consciousness as through a thicket of +terrifying deceits. He was awake now, but still some foul creature +was fastened upon him. He felt its weight; the filthy stench of it +sickened him. He thrust out his hands and they touched coarse hair. +Then a great cry burst from him and he was free. Close under his +window a loud howling broke out. Showers of sand fell upon his face +and the door of his cell swung to and fro on its hinges. He sprang +to his feet and ran out in terror into the open. There he was +received into clouds of wind-blown sand, and, rushing on through the +storm, he descended the slope, half running and half falling, to the +level ground below. He ran on in the blind hope that he was running +toward Serapion, and at last, stumbling in the clogging sand, he fell +on his face and lay where he fell, insensible. + + +[Illustration: woodcut] + + + + + _Chapter + Eleven_ + +When he came to himself the night was gone. The dawn, an +unfathomable dome of cool yellow flame, towered immensely above the +yellow aisles and ambulatories of the desert. + +Having spent some time in prayer, he went on his way northward, +confident that when he came within the region of Serapion's cell he +would recognize it. But as he labored on, the country was still +strange--a land, it seemed, never before visited by living thing--and +the hour passed by at which he should have arrived, and the sun rose +toward noon, dropping its fiery weight upon the sand and striking up +again from the baked sand with the heavy glow of a furnace, till it +seemed to Malchus that he was being tortured before a great fire. +His lips were gummed to each other and some nerve or artery in his +brain pulsed as if it would burst and destroy him. When noon was +long past, he turned round in despair, but, thinking it possible that +he had wandered out too far in the direction of the river, he bore a +little to the westward as he made his way south again. But still the +desert had an alien face, and as it drew on toward evening he gave up +all hope that he would find his way and, exhausted, bewildered, and +full of a vague dread, he was on the point of lying down to rest when +he saw that he was standing a few yards from the foot of the familiar +slope. Above him he could see the upper part of the cell itself, and +outside, near the edge of the slope, a figure was standing immovable +with arms raised sideways in the form of the Cross. At the sight of +it he reeled and fell, as though some tension within him had snapped. +It was as if all his troubles had suddenly fallen from him. He was +so weak that he had to climb the slope on his hands and knees. + +When he reached the terrace, Serapion had lowered his arms and was +waiting as though he had expected him. "Prisoner! Prisoner!" he +called out to him. "Why have you cast away your liberty?" And +Malchus knew that by _liberty_ Serapion meant the liberty of his +cell, and that he called him _prisoner_ because in his wisdom he had +understood that he was a slave to his unrest. Seeing that Malchus +was exhausted, Serapion made him sit down outside the cell and, +bringing out water and bread and some dried dates, he bade him eat +and drink; and Malchus told the old man all his troubles, asking him +if in the sight of God a man was responsible for his dreams. + +"Have you not read," answered Serapion, "what our Redeemer answered +Satan when Satan had said that he would send his people against the +people of God? 'And if they do evil unto thy chosen ones,' said +Satan, 'I cannot help it, and I will trip them up even though I can +do so only in dreams of the night.' But our Redeemer replied: 'If a +still-born child can inherit his father's possessions, then also +dreams shall be accounted a sin to my chosen ones.'" + +"And what of evil thoughts?" asked Malchus. + +"It is Satan, not we, who sows them," Serapion replied; "but it is +our business not to welcome them. Evil thoughts are like the savors +of boiled meat and roast meat that issue from a cook-house. All who +go past smell the savors, but one man will go in and eat, and +another, who does not wish to eat, will smell the savors as he passes +and go on his way." + +Then Malchus spoke of the spirit of unrest which had taken hold of +him, urging him ceaselessly to go forth from his cell, and he told +Serapion how, when at last he had been compelled to go out, he had +met the hunter and the shepherd and learned from their manner of life +that his own fasting and loneliness were as nothing, "so that now," +he said, "my life seems vain and as it were without salt and I do not +any longer derive profit from the relaxation of weaving. It is as +though God had turned his face from me. What then, must I do?" he +asked; "for whether I stay in my cell and fight the temptation or +whether I yield to it and go out, my trouble continues. Help me, my +father, with your wisdom and experience, for if you do not, the +powers of evil will fasten upon me inescapably." + +The old man looked kindly upon Malchus and, sitting down beside him, +began to instruct him. "When the spirit of unrest is upon you," he +said, "you must fight against it and not fly from it, for if you go +out of your cell you will find that from which you fly wherever you +go. But when you have conquered the temptation you can go out, for +then you will go out in a state of peace. But even if you cannot +escape from this trouble, still you must stay in your cell, since +this, for the hermit, is the first of rules. Go back, then, when you +have had some sleep here, and close the door of your cell. But, for +the rest, you must eat, drink, and sleep as much as you desire and +you must give up the weaving, for this is no longer profitable to +you." + +"But if I give up fasting, watching, and labor," said Malchus, in +amazement, "shall I not be falling away still more from the hermit +rule?" + +"Have I not told you, my son," answered Serapion, "that fasting, +watching, solitude, and labors, and even virginity itself, are in +themselves nothing, but are good only as a means to spiritual +excellence?" + +But to the self-torturing nature of Malchus it was hard not to +believe that these things had a virtue in themselves, and the thought +of relinquishing what he had so hardly achieved filled him with fear. + +"Do as I tell you, my son," said Serapion, seeing his hesitation, +"and afterward, as other inclinations come to you, follow them so +long as they are without offense. And in your prayers do not ask for +one thing after another, but let your prayer be about the thing that +is troubling you at the time. Then, after you have overcome that +trouble, you may turn in prayer to other things. But if, when you +are troubled by one passion, you set it aside and pray about another, +the first passion will never be wholly cast out. For you it is +necessary to conquer the spirit of unrest, and to do this you must +stay in your cell and go out only in case of extreme necessity. +To-morrow I will accompany you to your cell and bring away the mats +you have woven, for I am going soon to Alexandria to sell those that +I have made and I will sell yours at the same time. For you it would +not yet be safe to go into the world even for a few hours." + +When Malchus had returned to his cell and taken up the life which +Serapion had prescribed, he began to discover by degrees the wisdom +of the old man's instructions. For at first the consolation of food, +drink, and sleep and the escape from the monotony of weaving loosened +the cord of his unrest and a mellowness came into his heart. It +became once more an easy and joyful thing to pray and it seemed to +him that his prayers were answered. When evil thoughts came to him +he was no longer afraid, but he turned aside his attention from them, +saying: "I have nothing to do with this thought and I do not desire +it. Let the sin of it be upon Satan." And after a little time he +felt a desire to work again at the weaving of mats, and, taking up +one of the neglected palm leaves, he began to tear it into strips, +and when he had enough strips he put them to soak, and next day he +fell to work with the old zeal, weaving a mat of wonderful fineness. +And as he wove he reflected that even so the meditations and prayers +of the righteous are woven together into a garment for the soul. +After another interval of time he felt the impulse to rise in the +night and pray, and then also to deny himself food and drink. So by +overcoming the spirit of unrest he was drawn back, of his own desire, +to the hermit's way; and for some time all seemed to be well with him. + +But not for long. For soon the evil spirits, seeing that they could +no longer dismay him by evil dreams and terrors of the night, began +to tempt him subtly with things which seemed to be innocent and +beautiful. And one night, after Malchus had been fasting for three +whole days, an evil spirit appeared to him in the form of that vision +of a winged man which once he had seen standing on the altar of +Serapion's cell. Again Malchus saw that the feathers of his wings +were plumed with golden beams and he was filled with delight and +wonder and, crouching upon his knees before the altar, he remained +for a long time gazing in ecstasy at the angel. Then the angel bent +toward him and spoke. + +"Malchus," he said, "I have been sent to comfort and exhort you +because of your great abstinence. For the abstinence of the shepherd +is now as nothing compared with yours." + +And next day the evil spirits entered his cell in the form of flies, +and when they saw that Malchus refrained from eating and drinking on +that day also (though it had been his purpose to fast for three days +only), they laughed and clapped their hands; but their laughter was +nothing more, for Malchus, than the droning of flies. + +Toward evening two young men came and knocked at the door and one of +them said to Malchus: "Give us something to eat and some water to +drink, my father, for we are broken with hunger, our mouths are +parched with thirst, and we have still a long way to go." + +Malchus brought them in and set bread and water before them; but he +himself stood apart and ate nothing. And the elder of the young men +said to him, "Will you not eat with us, my father?" + +But Malchus shook his head. "Food and drink," he said, "are not +necessary to me." + +At that the two young men made a sign of astonishment to each other +and Malchus heard the elder whisper to the younger, "This is a great +saint." Then, having finished eating and drinking, they rose and +went on their way. But as soon as they had gone out it came into +Malchus's mind that he ought to have given them food for their +journey also; and he took two loaves from the sack and hurried to the +door to call them back. But the desert both far and near was empty +and there was no new footprint about the door. + +Malchus closed the door and, dropping the loaves into the sack, fell +to thinking. His mind was troubled by what had happened and his +trouble increased when he remembered that by refusing to eat with the +young men he had made a boast of his abstinence; for true abstinence, +as Serapion had often told him, does not concern that which is +without, but only that which is within, and it is better to lay by +for a moment the rule of abstinence than to fall into pride and +boastfulness. Throughout that night Malchus prayed, confessing his +sin and asking for strength to overcome pride; but as he prayed there +crept into his mind the memory of the vision of the angel and, +believing still that he had acquired merit by his abstinence, he took +comfort. But it seemed, that night, as though all the creatures of +the desert were holding sinful revel, for far over the sandhills the +harsh laughter of fiends echoed through the darkness; and Malchus, +hearing it, trembled, not knowing what it might signify. But because +he had repented of his second act of pride, the power of the evil +spirits over him was diminished: yet since he was not wholly purged +of pride, being still blind to that former presumption into which he +had been led by the false vision, the hold of Satan was not entirely +loosed from him. And Satan, who, like a skillful hunter, is wont to +pursue his prey slowly and by artful delays, was content to withdraw +to a distance from Malchus till a convenient occasion should come. + +But, alone in that waste where all things, down to the meanest herb +and the smallest grain of sand, are instruments in the hands of Good +and Evil, and where the sounds of winds and the crying of beasts are +but the earthly embodiments of the voices of angels and devils, +Malchus felt that evil had receded from him, and his life for a time +became calm and untroubled, and his prayers and the work of his hands +were as an unwavering flame ascending into the presence of God. But +after many weeks were past the water skin was again empty and it +became necessary for Malchus to go out and refill it. And as soon as +the heat of noon began to abate he set out, keeping his eyes on the +ground that lay before his feet. But an evil spirit had gone before +him. + +Having arrived at the edge of the grove, he threw down the water skin +and began first to collect the fallen palm leaves; for whenever he +came to the grove for water he replenished also his stock for +weaving. But as he moved from tree to tree, with his eyes on the +ground, he came down toward the little valley through which the water +overflowed from the spring. The stream was broad and smooth, and +tall canes in crowds waded in its shallows, hanging their long green +pennons above the water; and as Malchus raised his eyes he saw +through the screen of canes that something was moving on the further +bank. + +It was a girl with a bunch of long canes in her arms, and just as +Malchus caught sight of her she laid the bunch on the ground and, +kneeling down, bound it together in a bundle. But Malchus, +forgetting in a flash all the strict and careful discipline of his +new life, stood suddenly still in the grip of an overwhelming +excitement, and, leaning against the bole of a palm tree, he stared +at her like a tiger watching a drinking gazelle. When she had made +the bundle fast she rose upright with a quick, youthful movement. +One of her arms moved. She was undoing her sleeveless cotton +garment. Then she wriggled her shoulders free and the gown dropped +to her feet. She looked surprisingly small and neat without the +clumsy gown; her spare, compact little body with the quick, full +curves of first maturity shone softly like honey-colored bronze. She +stepped clear of the gown and, like some delicately moving little +animal, walked down into the shallow water. At first the pool only +covered her ankles, then step by step it rose to her knees, and she +went on, balancing herself with outstretched arms, till it was more +than halfway up each thigh. She carried some small thing in her +right hand. It was a knife, and bending down she began to cut the +canes, the left hand grasping the tall stems and the right dipping +down to cut below the water-level. When she had cut all she was able +to hold, she waded back to the bank and laid them by the bundle, and +then she returned into the stream to gather more. Where could she +have come from? It seemed that she must be not a mortal girl, but +the naiad of the spring, and that if she were disturbed she would +surely dive down with one slim movement and a single hollow, musical +splash, to her home under the water. When at last she had cut all +the canes she wanted, she paused for a moment in the water and looked +about her. + +[Illustration: woodcut] + +Malchus had all the while stood immovable, leaning against the tree +trunk and partly hidden by it. A suppressed trembling shook him like +a palsy, and the girl, as her eyes wandered idly over the bank and +among the trees, suddenly caught sight of the parched hairy face and +the eyes fixed hungrily upon her. She stared back at Malchus for a +moment, and then, turning her back with the charming contempt of a +young animal, went up on to the bank and slowly slipped on her gown. +Malchus, too, stirred himself, and with a deep-drawn sigh began to +retrace his steps to where he had left the water skin. When he had +found it and carried it to the spring he was once more within sight +of where the girl had been. She was gone now, and, having drawn the +water, he departed slowly under the burden. He felt no repentance. +His heart was hard and exultant. At that moment he revolted with the +whole strength of his being against the God who demanded of His +chosen the renunciation of earthly love, the beauty of the flesh, and +the joys of the senses, and he was glad that, instead of flying at +once from the grove as it was his duty as a hermit to do, he had +seized the moment and obeyed the clamorous impulse. But as the +seething of the senses died down and he found himself once again in +the hard, pure desert, he knew that in that brief hour he had brought +to naught all the long months of stern living and that the powers of +evil had gained a great ascendancy over him. Perhaps that very night +evil spirits would break down the door of his cell, and burst in the +window bars, and lay hold upon him body and soul, torturing him until +the weak body could resist no longer. Bodily death at such a time +would bring with it the death of the immortal soul--an everlasting +exile from the sight of the God against whom he had revolted. The +thought overwhelmed him with horror and, staggering on his way toward +the refuge of his cell, he called upon God like a wild creature +howling at the sky. "O God," he wailed, "save me from the death I +deserve. Remember, O God, my former life, that I loved without +discrimination all things beautiful, and consider how great was my +temptation. For was she not beautiful, O God, beautiful as a young +gazelle? How can it be that what is so beautiful has no part in the +divine nature?" Then, feeling that he had spoken blasphemy, he +ceased and began to repeat aloud penitential psalms and prayers for +the forgiveness of sins. So he hastened, feeble and breathless, on +his way, looking neither before him nor behind, where, on the edge of +the grove, the slim, straight-robed figure of a girl stood with one +hand shading her eyes, watching him. + +When he reached his cell he threw down the water skin and the palm +leaves, not caring, in his despair, what became of them, and, +flinging open the door, he staggered in and fell on his face in the +oratory. At first he lay as one stunned, neither praying nor +thinking, but after an hour of this prostration he came to his senses +and began to pray feverishly, torrentially, like a man in a burning +house or a sinking ship, pouring out passionate phrases and +ejaculations so rapidly that his mind almost ceased to follow the +sense of what his lips uttered. As he prayed, the light began to +fail, and it seemed that the shadows that gathered silently into his +cell were bodily presences. Soon the darkness would come, and with +it the hosts of Satan into whose power he had so recklessly given +himself. + +But the night fell calm and silent. Not the remotest howl of hyena +or jackal disturbed the crystal silence. And as the silence +continued unbroken, Malchus, racked by fearful expectancy, became +fascinated by it like a bird by the eye of a snake. He waited cold +and breathless, more and more certain every minute that it would be +shivered suddenly, appallingly, by some diabolical tumult which would +be the prelude to his destruction. His mind had grown numb beneath +the unendurable suspense, when at last the silence was broken and all +his being concentrated into the one act of listening. + +[Illustration: woodcut] + +Instead of the horrors he was awaiting, it was a gentle, clear voice +which had called softly outside his cell, A broken square of +primrose-colored moonlight lay on the wall and floor of the oratory. +For a time there was deep silence again. Then near the door the same +sweet voice sent a thrill of delight through him, speaking a word +that he did not understand. A sense of unreality possessed him; he +must be asleep and dreaming, and he remembered with a feeling of +infinite relief that Serapion had told him that a man is not +responsible in the sight of God for his dreams. His fears were gone +now, but his sense was still alert and soon he heard a faint sound in +the outer room of his cell. He was too exhausted to wonder what it +could be, and next moment something touched him in the dark--a hand, +it seemed; but not the fierce hand of evil, but a gentle, +ingratiating hand that stroked him. Malchus did not move. As in a +dream, his will was nerveless and he lay with eyes closed while the +groping hand explored him. Then two arms wound themselves about him +and a soft cheek was laid against his. "Helena!" he whispered, +ardently, and suddenly he threw off his passivity and, freeing his +arms, he clasped to his own body the warm body that lay on the floor +beside him. + + + + + _Chapter + Twelve_ + +He awoke next morning to a cold despair. He knew that what he had +experienced had been no dream, and he knew, too, that one small spark +of consciousness, which he had willfully muffled, had affirmed at the +time that it was real. He had sinned consciously and willingly; his +delusion had been deliberate. He dared not pray, for to take the +name of God into his mouth, vile as he was, would itself be mortal +sin; and even if he had dared to pray, the prayers of a wretch like +himself, who had implored God's help and protection only to scorn it +when the moment of temptation came, would, he knew, be no better than +an insolent mockery in the ear of Heaven. Now he was alone indeed, +cut off not only from the worldly life which he had abandoned, but +also from the holy life of the desert and the eternal life which is +its reward. He was exhausted by long fasting and the violence of his +emotions; and as with eyes fixed starkly on vacancy he contemplated +his state, the horror of it numbed his understanding. "It is +impossible," he muttered to himself, "impossible that it was not a +dream." Slowly and painfully he rose to his feet. His brain reeled +and for a moment he could do no more than stand, steadying himself +with both hands pressed against the walls. Then with groping hands +and feet he staggered into the outer room and so to the doorway of +the cell. On the smooth sand outside, the print of small bare feet +was set as a witness against him; and, as if for a sign that all his +good works had been brought to naught, all the mats that he had woven +were gone. Then his gaze fell on the sack of loaves, and a light +came into his eyes, for he saw in food and drink a last consolation +for his misery. He plunged both arms into the sack, bringing out all +the loaves that were left, and, carrying them outside the cell, he +sat down beside the full water skin which he had left there on the +previous evening. He untied the neck and dipped each loaf into the +water. But to dip them only was not enough; the loaves were still +too hard to eat. He gnawed at one, holding it in both hands and +chawing at it like a dog at a bone. But he could not break the +crust, and at last he flung it away from him in fury and, getting on +to his knees, he reached an earthenware dish from the table and set +the loaves to soak. And as they soaked he crouched beside them, +snatching impatiently at one and another and putting them to his +teeth. Crouching solitary there, now immovable, now breaking into +convulsive activity as he seized a loaf and raised it to his mouth, +he looked like a great ape playing with stones. At last the loaves +were soft enough and he fell upon them ravenously, stuffing fragment +after fragment into his mouth and then bowing his face to the dish +and sucking in draughts of water to soften the mass. So he fed, a +fierce and uncouth spectacle, while water and a paste of masticated +bread exuded from the corners of his mouth and clung to his ragged +beard. He did not remember how on that day a year ago he had lain, +exquisitely dressed, at table in his own house, the host of one of +the most marvelous of all the marvelous feasts for which he and his +friends were famed throughout Alexandria. At that feast the guests +had been delighted by the novelty of the little silver ovens in which +the slaves handed small newly baked loaves, each cunningly molded +into a fantastic shape. + +When he had eaten all the bread, he sat for a while, staring before +him; then untying the water skin again, he took a long draught from +it and, letting it slip from his hands so that it lay gulping out its +contents into the thirsty sand, he rose and reached for his staff. +Without a glance behind him he stepped out into the empty desert. +His mind was empty, barren. He had no plan, no hope, nothing but the +instinct to fly from a place accursed, to fly further and further +into the desert, as if by unceasing flight he could at last outrun +the terrible consequences of his sin. But the moment he left the +shelter of the cell an invisible host of evil flung itself upon him, +beating up the sand in clouds into his eyes and mouth, wrapping him +round in a bewildering whirlwind and hurling broadcast the heap of +palm leaves which on the previous evening he had flung down outside +the door. He blundered on blindly, with no thought of his direction, +beating the air with his hands in an attempt to drive off the unseen +adversaries that surrounded him with jeers and whistlings, owlish +hoots and derisive laughter. Behind him he heard his door beat and +beat again upon its hinges, and he knew that demons had taken +possession of his deserted cell and were desecrating it with their +foul revelries. He ran on blindly, falling headlong and rising +again, till his strength was exhausted and he lay where he fell.... + +He opened his eyes. He was lying on the level plain of the desert. +Long screens of blowing sand, long filmy processions of sand which +had taken on human and animal forms, came streaming toward him out of +the distance. There was sand everywhere. His eyes and mouth and +ears were full of sand; sand coated his skin and filled his clothes, +and the ground, the air, and the sky were full of flying sand. It +was as if the desert itself had risen against the outcast, had taken +on a fierce, vengeful mobility which would soon engulf him, consume +him, disintegrate and dry him till he himself was nothing but a cloud +among clouds of blowing sand, whirling restlessly from desert to +desert, with no more life than a vague and changing form and a thin, +crying voice like the voice of despair. Dust to dust; ashes to +ashes. The words whirled in the emptiness of his mind as the sand in +the empty air, and he nestled his head in his clasped arms and lay on +his face, still as a boulder, while the sand hailed against his +leather tunic and mounded itself about him till it overflowed in +rivulets over his neck and arms and legs. + +[Illustration: woodcut] + +With darkness the storm grew fiercer. The wind shrieked and howled +about his prostrate, half-buried body and through the wind came other +and wilder howls, now far off, now close and terrible. Then +something touched him, and again and again. Something heavy and +four-footed stood upon his back. It moved, and then he felt a hot +snuffling breath against his cheek. He turned his head in horror and +opened his eyes. Green eyes stared down at him. He clenched his +fist and struck out. The creature moved away, but slowly, and +Malchus felt that it was still lurking close by, with others, waiting +its time. Then a more terrible outburst of howls severed the night. +He was surrounded by howling, yelling beasts. Raising his head, he +could see their eyes glinting, now green, now red, all round him. +They beat him, trampled on him; their claws tore at his naked arms +and legs. He sprang to his feet and flung himself forward, waving +his arms, and there was a scattering of vague shapes in the darkness +and the wind was for a moment more densely loaded with sand. No +longer daring to lie down, he moved onward, slowly, feebly, painful +step by step, and only when it grew light did he dare to submit and, +abandoning all effort, sink to the ground in a stupor. + +[Illustration: woodcut] + +When he awoke he was sitting up, with a strong arm supporting him. A +young man knelt beside him, offering him a cup of water. A cake of +dried dates lay on a flat stone beside him. He drank the water +greedily and then ate the dates; then he turned his eyes to the young +man's. They were deep, untroubled blue eyes like the eyes of a +child. As they met Malchus's they were full of a gentle solicitude. +"How do you come to be here, so far from mankind?" he asked Malchus. + +"I was a hermit," Malchus replied, in a voice that was hardly more +than a sigh. + +"I too am a hermit," answered the young man. "My cell is only a few +yards away. When I came out this morning I found you lying here." +He helped Malchus to rise. "Come into my cell," he said, "for you +are half dead." + +Malchus shook his head. "I cannot," he said, "for I am not worthy. +I have committed the unforgivable sin and I must go my way." + +"Whither are you going?" + +Malchus pointed forward into the desert. + +"But can I do no more for you, my brother?" the young man asked him. + +"Pray for me," Malchus replied as he began to move away. "Pray that +I myself may some day dare to pray again." + +The young hermit stood watching the meager, plodding figure which +soon the desert gathered out of his sight into its arid heart.... + +Week after week Malchus pushed on. At first he was fed by the +hermits upon whose lonely cells he chanced often enough to escape +starvation, for in those days the number of hermits in the desert was +very great. But after a while the cells grew less frequent and he +began to enter a stark country which seemed to have been stripped of +all life. Only once in that quarter did he come upon a cell. It +stood gaunt upon the naked rock, itself more like a rock than a house +built by mortal hands. In it lived an aged and venerable hermit who +had spoken with the great Saint Anthony face to face. There were no +springs in that waterless waste and the ancient man was compelled to +collect in sponges the dew which fell only in the last two months of +the year. Every evening he set out the sponges on his roof and +before dawn he squeezed the dew out of them into a cistern. In this +way he was able to collect enough water for the whole year. He set +food and water before Malchus and questioned him about his journey. + +"I do not know whither I am going, my father," Malchus replied, "for +I who was a hermit have committed the unforgivable sin and I fly +onward into the pathless wilderness that I may escape from humanity +and from my sin." + +"For him that truly repents," the old man answered, "there is no +unforgivable sin. But if, being a hermit, you committed sin, it was +because you did not perpetually set death, and that which follows +death, before your eyes; for he who has his eyes perpetually fastened +on death comes to a state of understanding which forever releases the +soul from temptation. Each day the hermit must set his soul to +contemplate this mortal body of ours and must speak thus with the +voice of his soul to each part of it in turn: 'O legs, which have +strength to move yourselves and to stand up, stand up before the +presence of your Lord.' And to the hands: 'O hands, so soon to decay +and crumble into dust and never again be clasped together; before +that hour of dissolution comes, stretch yourselves out in +supplication to the Lord.' And to the whole body: 'O body, rise and +worship God and bear me up that I may offer praise and prayer to the +Lord with a good heart, before we are separated one from another and +I go down into the place of forgetfulness and am fettered in +everlasting darkness, and you consume away and rot and become a thing +of loathing and putrefaction. For if you follow after the delights +and pleasant things of the world you will surely cast me into +never-ending torment.' My son," the old man concluded, "if you +meditate thus always until the truth of these things has bitten +itself into your heart and mind, it will be impossible for you +thereafter to commit sin." + +Then Malchus, having eaten and drunk, arose and bade the holy man +farewell. + +Thenceforward all human habitation ceased, but still he traveled +onwards. His food was now the meager herbage springing in rare +places among stones or in the frail shadow of thorn-bushes, and his +scarce drink was from a desert well or some foul and clotted pool +which still lingered stagnating among the sandhills. + +One morning, after many desolate days, he saw far ahead of him on the +pale floor of the desert as it were a ragged black cloth. It was +about four hours after dawn, and as he walked on he saw also that the +desert before him was streaked with green. Then, as he drew nearer, +he saw that what had seemed to be a black cloth was in truth a great +herd of browsing beasts; and when, at noon, he came up with them, he +found that they were buffaloes. They were feeding upon the green +herb which sprang plentifully in that place. Some of them lifted +their great lowering heads as he approached, and he was afraid and +was about to turn aside, when two figures, dark as themselves, stood +upright in the midst of the herd. When they saw Malchus they began +to come toward him, making their way among the beasts. And Malchus +saw that they had the forms of men and that they were naked and their +bodies covered with hair. He stood, his limbs weak with terror, for +he was sure that they were demons, but as they drew near, one of them +shouted to him, "Do not be afraid, for we are men like yourself." + +Malchus made the sign of the Cross, but still they came on. "If you +are men," he asked them, fearfully, "why are you living among wild +beasts?" + +The one who had spoken before replied: "We were once monks in a great +monastery, the monastery of Tabenna; but we both desired the life of +solitude, so we left the monastery and wandered into the desert +alone, and at length we came here. We have been here for forty +years. I am an Egyptian and this brother is a Lybian." Then he +began to question Malchus. "Tell me," he said, "how it goes with the +children of men. Do they still build houses and ships? Do the +ancient cities still stand and are their kings and governors still +subject to the powers of evil? And what of the land we knew? Do the +river waters still rise in flood once in the year?" + +Malchus turned away with a sign of repulsion. "I cannot answer such +questions, for I, too, have abandoned the world." Then he turned to +the two creatures again, his eyes still fierce with suspicion. +"How," he muttered, "can you be men? For if men were to remain here +naked and without shelter, their bodies would be burned up by the +summer sun and frozen to death by the winter cold." + +"We are men indeed," answered the Egyptian, "though we graze the +green herb with the beasts, and God has given to our naked bodies the +power to endure both heat and cold." + +Then those two human creatures turned from him to the nearest patch +of herb, and there crouched upon their hands and knees and began to +feed. And the great beasts that browsed about them accepted them as +one of themselves and, moving forward as they cropped the herb, they +inclosed them in their midst and Malchus saw them no more. + +With a heavy sigh he resumed his way. "Here," he said to himself, "I +have crossed the limit of the human world." But still he fled +onward, for his despair drove him, and again he was a creeping thing +upon the powdery floors of the desert, goaded daily by remorse, +horror-stricken, and tortured nightly by the devils into whose power +he had give himself, his body all the while blistered by the noonday +fire, shaken by the chills of night, consumed by hunger and thirst +and strange fevers. Throughout that time he trusted for his +sustenance to what green herb he might find, for he would collect no +food to carry with him, being determined to leave in God's hands +whether he should live or die. And at last in a remoter desert of +rock and sand he saw the dark mouth of a cave in the rock. He +climbed up to it and looked inside, and when his eyes grew accustomed +to the dimness he saw a man seated within with his back to the +entrance. Malchus took up a stone and beat against the rock after +the custom of the hermits, but the man did not move, and thinking +that he might be at prayer or in a state of meditation, Malchus sat +patiently outside, waiting till he should have finished. Yet after +many hours the man had not moved, and when Malchus knocked again more +loudly he took no notice. + +But Malchus could not bring himself to depart. He was desperate, in +his long loneliness, for the comfort of a human voice; even a short +phrase, a human word or two, would be something to take back with him +into the great void where the only voices were the voices of those +embodiments of evil which tormented him by night. And so he entered +the cave and laid his hands on the bowed shoulders of the seated man. +Then, to his horror, the figure swayed, paused, and suddenly crumbled +beneath the weight of his arms into a wreckage of bones and dry +powder. The powdery dust stuck to his hands and steamed up into his +nostrils, and he sprang back, sickened to the heart and, turning +round, fled in horror from the cave. + +Dust to dust. All about him now was dust and sand, the dried and +crumbled residue of extinct life. For now he had reached the limit +not only of humanity, but of life itself, and nothing was left for +him but to parch and disintegrate with all else, a prey to the +relentless heat and cold and the eternal restlessness of the winds. +With a shudder of loathing he shook that gray human dust from his +hands; but as he stared into the open palms the thought came to him, +in the words of the aged holy man, that those hands of his would ere +long decay and crumble into the same gray dust. Why, then, should he +turn with loathing from what he himself was so soon to become? For +whether the soul is destined for eternal bliss or eternal torment, +dust is surely the destiny of the body. As he pondered those words, +spoken by the soul to the hands, he remembered how they continued, +"Before that hour of dissolution comes, stretch yourselves out in +supplication to the Lord," and for the first time since his frenzied +flight had begun he felt within him the desire and the courage to +pray. + +He was passing now by a solitary rock shaped like an altar, and it +came into his mind that it had been set there as a sign that his +prayer would be accepted. He approached it and knelt down before it. +"O Saviour of mankind," he prayed, "guide me through this desolation +to the place where I may at last find forgiveness." He remained long +in prayer and when he rose he felt for the first time that a little +core of light had begun to dawn in the blackness of his despair. +Each day, after that, he prayed, and night by night the hauntings of +the demons were diminished and he knew that the tyranny which the +powers of evil had gained over him was abating. He felt now that he +was under heavenly guidance as day after day he wandered on, heedless +of the changes in the great monotony of sand that seemed boundless as +the earth itself, until he began again to come upon the solitary +cells of the hermits. Some were empty and ruinous, but in others he +found the stern inhabitant who shared with him his scanty store of +bread and water. The impulse to fly from himself which had first +driven him out on his long pilgrimage, had spent itself, and he began +to think that when he came to a suitable place he would stop there +and build himself a cell in which, by a life of stern repentance, he +might pursue that forgiveness for which he had prayed. + + + + +[Illustration: woodcut] + + _Chapter + Thirteen_ + +When that thought had grown to a resolve, night had fallen. A full +moon rising heavy and ripe out of the horizon was transforming the +night into a pale and spectral day, and Malchus determined to travel +on through the night and to choose for his abode the place where he +should stop to rest an hour before dawn. And so he tramped on, and +when it seemed that the night was flagging and dawn was not far off +he halted on a ledge midway up a sandy slope and, nestling down into +the deep, loose sand which still kept beneath the surface the warmth +of the departed day, he fell asleep. + +When he awoke, sunlight brooded heavy upon the world. His memory was +confused and it seemed to him that this was no more than many of his +awakenings in the unknown desert. Then the voice of his soul spoke +as loud and clear as if an unseen speaker stood beside him. "Here is +the place," it said, "in which you must seek forgiveness." And +hearing those words, Malchus remembered that where he lay was the +place in which he had resolved to remain. He rose up to survey it; +but as he raised his eyes astonishment seized him, then horror and +despair. Was it a hideous delusion, or had he been led during all +these days not by Heaven but by demons? For, like a sudden and +murderous onslaught, the discovery flashed upon him that he was +standing before his own cell. And not only that, but, as he +continued to glare dumbly at the familiar scene, he saw that a few +yards away, small and slim in her straight gown, the cane-gatherer +stood watching him. At that a frenzy came upon him and, snatching up +stones in both hands, he rushed forward, hurling them at the girl and +snatching up more and hurling again. But as he drew near to her her +face became distorted and hideous and she dissolved before his eyes +like a wraith; and Malchus stood poising a great stone in his right +hand and staring foolishly on vacant air. He dropped the stone, but +as he turned, with doubt and fear in his heart, toward his cell, he +saw the girl come round the corner of it and--lovely again as when he +had first seen her--vanish into the doorway. A shuddering came upon +him like an ague, for now he understood that this was God's answer to +his prayer that he might be guided to the place where he should find +forgiveness. It was not by flying from his sin that he could +overcome it, but by facing it. And now, in answer to his prayer, God +had brought him face to face with the bodily symbol of his sin. He +understood, but his courage sank before the ordeal; he felt that he +was not yet strong enough to face the terrible and supreme struggle +which involved the fate of his immortal soul. For, despite the long +weeks of austerity in the inner-most desert, his mind was still +troubled by earthly weaknesses and earthly desires: even after this +long mortification of the flesh the desire of the flesh was still +alive. How could he be sure, then, that he would have the strength +to conquer? Could he stand firm against that girl, mortal or demon, +waiting for him there in his cell? He stood trembling, for even this +brief sight of her had aroused in him all his old half-conquered +desire. If he were to fail again in the contest, how irrevocable +this time would be his damnation. He braced himself and, raising his +arms to Heaven, cried for mercy. "O Father," he prayed, "try not my +weakness too sternly. Drive me not away from Thee." He took a few +trembling steps toward the cell. Then he stopped. The odds were too +terrible; his courage suddenly broke like a wall that collapses upon +itself, and with hands thrust out before him like one groping in +utter darkness, he turned his back on the cell and ran down the slope +to the desert plain below. + +He neither knew nor cared where he was going. He did not even know +why he ran. As when Helena had cast him off, he felt that his life +was broken in two. But now it was worse; for, to a man who is +fleeing from God, no new hope, no saving ideal, can ever come. +Henceforward he would be no more than a beast cast out from the herd, +wandering lonely and disconsolate till death should bring +deliverance. Worse, even worse, than that; for to him death would +bring not deliverance, but inescapable and everlasting torment. + +He had stopped running. His feeble body had of its own accord stood +still, and, swaying like a tree in the wind, his head muffled in his +cloak as if to shut out all existence, he tried to collect his +thoughts. But his mind was dark and empty. A whirlwind of misery +and despair filled its emptiness, and he stood, without a will, +without thought, blind, stark as a desert rock, empty as a tomb. + +Suddenly he started with fear. A touch had fallen upon his arm and a +well-known voice sounded in his ears. "My son, I saw you in a vision +as you were returning to yourself and I have brought you the money +which I received in Alexandria for your weaving." A hand drew down +his hand and put money into it. "It was told me in Alexandria that +God has freed your father from the burden of the flesh. Give thanks +to God, then, that he has given freedom to your father and has loosed +from you another earthly bond." + +Malchus stood immovable. He dared not lower the cloak from his face +lest his eyes should meet the eyes of Serapion. A hand fell on his +shoulder as if to comfort and exhort him, and in a little while +Malchus felt that he was alone. Then only did he dare to lower his +cloak. A hundred paces behind him a lonely figure retreated across +the sand, and Malchus knew that he had cast off his only friend. He +turned away with a sob and continued his aimless wandering; and, as +he fared on, the storm of passion abated and he understood what +Serapion had told him. At first the thought that his father was dead +was no more to him than an echo out of the remote distance; it came +to him as a surprise that his father should have been alive until so +lately. But soon his dissolved life began to crystallize in new +thoughts and emotions about this new thing and, as it were, to become +coherent again. For, now that his father was dead, his mother would +be alone, and he told himself that it was his duty to go to +Alexandria to help her to settle her affairs. That thought became +the center of his life; he fastened upon it as strayed birds of +passage settle in flocks among the rigging of a ship, finding there +for a moment foothold and repose in the homeless void of sea and sky. +His life took on again a meaning and direction and he did not +question whether it was truly love for his mother or the sight of a +refuge for his own mind that urged him on. He knew only that his +desires were fixed on returning to Alexandria. + +And so he wandered on, not knowing where he was in the vast deformity +of the desert; and late in the evening he found himself on the bank +of the great river. Human shapes moved before him, and, following +them, he went on board a boat which stood with loosely hanging sail +at a wooden jetty. It seemed that it was about to cross the river +and he stationed himself lonely and apart on the deck, as he had done +long ago when he had followed Serapion on to the ship on Lake +Mareotis. + +The passage of the river did not take long, but when they touched the +further bank it was already broad moonlight. The other passengers, +having disembarked, settled themselves in the sand on the edge of the +broad track which skirted the river. Malchus questioned one of them, +who replied that they were waiting for a caravan which was traveling +northward toward the towns and villages at the mouth of the river, +and Malchus resolved at once that he too would join the caravan. He +lay down in the sand not far from the other travelers, brushing away +the upper layers with his hands till he came down to the warmth that +lingered below, and soon, overcome with weariness, he fell into a +deep sleep. + +[Illustration: woodcut] + +It seemed that he had only slept for a few minutes when some one +shook him by the shoulder and he awoke to a hushed, multitudinous +noise which seemed to fill the whole desert. It was the sound of +hundreds of muffled footsteps churning the sand, the low muttering of +a great company, the snuffling and breathing of camels, and the +creaking of their harness and loads. The sky was cold and bright as +polished steel. Malchus saw with amazement that it was not more than +an hour from the dawn. He stood up, feeling stiff, weary, and very +old. A great blur of shadowy forms moved against the clear sky and, +like the distant rocks and hills of an unstable world, the fantastic +shapes of camels swayed above them. The air was sharp and searching: +he could see the breath of the camels smoking upward in a thin fume. + +With the others who had crossed the river, he took his place in the +rear of the shadowy host, and before they had marched an hour the +dawn broke like a sudden summer on their right flank and their left +was accompanied by a long saw-edged shadow like a mountain range that +flowed and undulated in pace with them. Too soon upon the dawn came +the torrid sunlight, burning up the morning coolness and adding +another torment to each suffering life in the great sinuous retinue. +As they went on their way, new companies joined them, and before long +Malchus and his companions were no longer in the rear, but in the +middle of the line of march. Noon came, burdening them with its +relentless pressure, and Malchus, as in his lonely desert wanderings, +fell into that monotonous rhythm of movement in which the body labors +on wearily of its own accord and the mind is lulled into a stupor. + +Suddenly a tremor ran through the company, a spasm of doubt, +apprehension, then of sharp fear. Malchus thrilled to it with the +rest and, seeing many heads turned eastward, he turned his eyes in +that direction and saw a great cloud of dust that moved toward them +like a sandstorm. He watched it keenly, anxiously, till it grew to a +company of white-cloaked riders. Rapidly they came nearer and nearer +still. They were Arabs. Perched on their long-legged camels, they +crouched eagerly forward. Their long cloaks streamed behind them. +Soon they were so close that if they had been going to cross the +course of the caravan they would have swung to the right or left; but +still they swept on, straight for the center. Then suddenly the +caravan broke into three. The van detached itself from the rest and +flew cowering forward; the rear turned and shrank backward on its +tracks. A small company in the middle, which included Malchus and +his companions and a dozen laden camels, halted, terrified and +bewildered by its sudden isolation. The white-cloaked riders swept +round them in a circle and closed in upon them. + +Malchus awaited the outcome like one in a trance. Was this, he +wondered numbly, God's retribution for his cowardly flight from the +ordeal appointed by Him? Without hope and without fear he watched +some of the Arabs dismount and move among the captured company, +carrying drawn swords in their hands. Soon an Arab approached him +also, and he was led away to where four camels lay waiting. The +small heads with their great eyes and haughty muzzles moved, +scornfully inquisitive, on the top of the long bird-like necks. The +Arab stopped before the first and signed to Malchus to mount. A +figure wrapped in a black cloak was already in the saddle. Malchus +climbed up behind it. The figure did not stir, and Malchus, too, +neither stirred nor spoke, waiting idly for what should happen. + +When all the prisoners were mounted and a party of Arabs had taken +charge of the captured camels, one of the Arabs came up and beat up +the four grumbling beasts and the company began to move. The van and +the rear of the caravan, which had fled forward and backward, were no +longer in sight. They had vanished among the rocks and sandhills. + +Malchus, looking for the sun, saw that they were now traveling due +east. At first they moved slowly, but soon the leaders broke into a +canter and Malchus and his unknown companion were flung against each +other. The violent swaying began to give him great pain, and, seeing +that his companion was also distressed, Malchus put his arms about +him that they might steady each other. Thus bound together, they +were able to avoid the swaying and buffeting which had tormented them +and endangered their safety when apart. The thought of Alexandria, +which, when he had joined the caravan, had grown for Malchus into +something beautifully and terribly real, had shrunk back now into a +dream. Perhaps he would never go there now, and his mind +effortlessly began to picture the city--the streets, his parents' +house, his own house, and that little door, so piercingly familiar, +which opened into Helena's garden. He paused at the door, hesitated; +something--he could not remember what--held him forcibly back, but he +shook off the restraint and opened the door. He went in quickly and +secretly, shutting the door behind him, and stood breathless at the +beauty of the place, at the gentle stirring chequer of sunlight and +leaf shadows, the flowers drooping in clusters from the trees and +swelling in mounds of blended colors from the grass, the +fountains--silver ghosts half-seen among the trees--filling the place +with the cooling rustle of water. He ventured forward upon a grassy +walk, but figures moved among the trees and he hid himself till they +had passed. "Where is she?" he asked himself with ecstatic fear, and +just as he was going to move again he saw that Helena was watching +him through the boughs. She came toward him, her eyes shining with +pleasure, and he stood waiting. A voice called him loudly and +commandingly from the garden gate. He trembled, for he knew that it +was the voice of God; but he lingered like a disobedient child and +Helena caught him by the shoulders. Then, submitting wilfully to his +desire as he had done when the cane-gatherer came to his cell, he +threw his arms around Helena, whispering into her ear little +passionate phrases, deliciously aware of the smallness and suppleness +of the body in his arms. Then a startling rush of wind in his ears +and a gust of sand in his face, and he awoke to the flowerless desert +and the weary lurching of the camel. But still he was no more than +half awake; still his mind thrilled to the sweetness of his meeting +with Helena, his arms still felt that soft weight of her body. +Though a man is not responsible before God for his dreams, was it not +deadly sin to take delight in the memory of them? But this was more +than a memory. He still held the soft body in his arms. He cried +out in fear and the cry roused him from his drowsiness. The body +that he clasped was the body of his fellow captive. He shuddered and +loosed his grasp, as if what he clasped were a thing unclean. But at +his cry and the loosing of his arms his companion turned, and at the +same moment another gust of wind blew the cloak from the muffled +face. Malchus saw with horror and despair that the face looking at +him was the face of a woman. + +Was she an evil spirit in human form? Or was it that God had rescued +him from his cowardly flight and his desperate attempt to return to +Alexandria, and brought him again, with an inexorable indulgence, +face to face with his sin? Malchus did not know; but he knew that he +was in dire jeopardy and he prayed from his heart, making the holy +sign at the end of each prayer. And still, despite his prayers, the +woman remained on the saddle in front of him, so that he knew she was +no demon, but a creature of flesh and blood like himself. The speed +of their going had slackened to a walk, but now again the leaders of +the company urged on the lurching beasts and again Malchus and his +companion clung together for safety. And Malchus cried to the soul +within him: "O my soul, such is the outcome of your attempt to escape +the judgment of God and return to the life which you had cast off." + + + + +[Illustration: woodcut] + + _Chapter + Fourteen_ + +Late in the evening of the second day, when the sky was already +curdling into darkness and those sharp points of brightness which are +called the stars, they halted. They had reached the Arab encampment. +A dark cluster of tents showed square and angular on the gray plain +and the air was full of the mournful bleating of the flocks which had +been brought in from pasture. Then the same Arab came and made their +camel kneel down, and Malchus and the woman stepped stiffly into the +sand and lay down apart to rest in the place appointed for them. + +Soon after the dawn Malchus awoke. A tall figure stood beside him, +who ordered him to rise up and follow him. It was the sheikh of the +company who had captured them, and he led Malchus toward the largest +of the tents and, lifting the curtain of the doorway, took him +inside. A woman crouched on the floor, preparing food. The sheikh +told Malchus that this was his mistress whom he must obey, and +Malchus, being defenseless, bowed himself down before the Arab woman. +Then food of curdled camel's milk was given to him for himself and +the woman who had ridden with him, and he returned to the place where +he had slept. Of the rest of the captives he saw nothing, and, being +alone with the woman among a strange people, Malchus was forced to +converse with her daily, to the peril of his soul. But he did not +allow his eyes to fall upon her, for he had seen that she was young +and beautiful. Her name was Veronica. She was a married woman of +his own race. Her husband's house was in Lycopolis, and when she had +fallen into the hands of the Arabs she had been traveling to +Alexandria; but of her life and circumstances Malchus knew no more, +since he forbore to question her or to talk with her more than was +needful. She herself spoke no more than he, but when she did so the +soft low note of her voice thrilled him, for it was too like the +voice of Helena--so like that, whenever she spoke, old memories and +old delights woke again in his heart and dreams of Helena troubled +his nightly sleep. + +After a few days the sheikh led Malchus out and set him in charge of +their flock in place of the Arab shepherd who was so old that he +could scarcely drag his parched and wearied body as far as the meager +pastures where the beasts found a daily sustenance. For two days the +old shepherd accompanied Malchus, showing him where the sparse herb +sprang among the rocks and thorns, and in the evening when they had +returned to the tents he sat with Malchus, teaching him the names of +the sheep and goats. Each had its own name and each when called +would raise its head and come to the call. The Arabs scorn the +shepherd's lot, preferring the monotonous idleness of the camp to the +free and open life of the herdsman, and none of them will undertake +it except from bare necessity. + +But the freedom and peace of the shepherd's life comforted Malchus. +He rose with the dawn and led forth the flock, and when they had +reached the pasture land the beasts browsed slowly forward till near +upon noon, when he called them in to shelter from the torrid heat in +the shadows of the rocks or thickets. There he milked a goat or +sheep for his midday meal and, having drunk, stretched himself full +length in the shade while the sheep stood together with hanging heads +and the goats drew apart and lay down to rest. Then, when the +breathless urgence of the noon was past, Malchus called them out to +pasture again till sunset, when he led them back to the encampment, +where the women were waiting to milk the ewes and female goats. Each +beast knew the woman that milked it and went of its own accord to the +accustomed tent. With the darkness the herd lay down to rest where +the horses and camels were gathered about the tents, and the sheep +dogs mounted guard through the night, prowling to and fro with +frequent snarling and barking. Sometimes a wolf came out of the +rocky hills, and at his approach the flock would suddenly shrink +together in a panic and the dogs set up a loud baying. Then the +shepherd with beating heart leaped up and raised a clamor to drive +off the thief; but often, when the night was moonless, a small, +agonized bleating was heard in the darkness and, when the light +returned, the flock was the less by a lamb. When no green herb +remained within a short distance of the camp, Malchus had to lead the +flock further afield, and sometimes for many days together they were +out in the open desert, since it was too far to return to camp each +night. At such times the sheikh used to ride out once in two or +three days to see that all was well with the flock. + +Malchus was glad of this peaceful occupation. All day he had the +solitude that he desired and he was dependent upon no man, for by his +labor as shepherd he earned the milk which he drew from the flock for +his sustenance. In that high desert country the air was pure and +sweet and, except during the burning noon-tide hours, the sun was +less fierce than in the lower deserts he had known. His body, under +the daily exercise and the healthy diet of milk, grew firm and strong +and his sleep was the deep sleep of honest weariness. No visions, +good or evil, came to him there. That grim battle ground of the +spirit in which he had lived so long, where the difficult pursuit of +holiness and the endless struggle against evil were alike an +unceasing torment and all earthly things were but the outward +manifestation of striving spiritual forces, seemed now a country +remote as the moon. He had been carried, it seemed, into a peaceful +limbo where all was simple and kindly, and he loved the innocent +beasts that answered his call and intrusted themselves to his +guidance. Only two things marred his life's serenity--the knowledge +that he had failed before the great ordeal of the spirit and had +basely withdrawn from God the life he had dedicated to Him, and the +unappeasable desire of love which flamed up, still undiminished, in +dreams of Helena and the abiding memory of the cane-gatherer which +lived on in his mind unexorcised by all his agonies of repentance and +prayer. The presence of his fellow captive, Veronica, also disturbed +him, and made those unbidden memories more real and vivid than +before. But alone in the high desert with his flock he had many days +of peace in which it seemed to him that he was not altogether +excluded from the mercy of God, and as he led them from patch to +patch of the sparse herb or, unsheathing the sword which he carried +to guard them against wolves, set himself to cut a bundle of dry +thorns for his lonely camp fire, he prayed to God from a full heart +for final deliverance. + +Yet in other moods, the fear came upon him that the untroubled quiet +of his life was not the peace of forgiveness, but the silence of +utter exclusion. Perhaps he was no longer tormented by evil spirits +or visited by comforting visions because the battle was over and lost +and Satan waited, secure of his prey, for the moment of his death. +Then horror came upon him and he lay on his face in the dust in the +agony of desperation. But those despairing moods were less frequent +than the other moods of serenity in which it seemed to him that his +life as a shepherd was a blessed respite from the tempestuous life of +hermit. + +But one evening the sheikh called him to his tent. To reward him for +his honest service, he told Malchus, he was resolved to give him the +woman Veronica as his wife. "For every man," he said, "has need of a +woman to ease his loneliness and to pitch his tent and serve his +food." Malchus thrust out protesting hands, declaring that he was a +monk and might not marry, and the woman, besides, was married +already. But, hearing his generosity scorned, the sheikh's face grew +dark with anger and he drew his sword and would have killed Malchus +if he had not run for refuge to his mistress, the sheikh's wife, and +grasped her hand. Perforce he resigned himself to the sheikh's will +and, hearing that he submitted, the sheikh was appeased and a tent +was set apart for Malchus and Veronica and they were married after +the manner of the Arabs. + +But when at the end of the day they had been brought together into +the tent and left alone, Malchus turned his face from Veronica and +crouched in a corner of the tent. He believed now that the Arabs had +been sent to capture him only that his damnation might be the more +certain. He was being inescapably drawn to commit once more the sin +which had imperiled his immortal soul. But as this thought grew to +terrible certainty in his mind it brought with it another--the +thought that it was surely Satan, and not God, who had led him back +through the wilderness to his cell and shown him the cane-gatherer +waiting for him. His sin, indeed, was unforgivable, God had +abandoned him from the moment he had committed it. He knew now that +all hope was past. The bitterness of death entered into his soul and +with a choking sob he bowed his head to the dust. But one thing, at +least, he could do, one act to bear witness before God that his soul +still desired chastity. Rising from the ground, he drew his sword +from its scabbard and turned the point to his heart. + +But in the little moonlight that pierced the darkness of the tent the +woman saw the gleam of the sword and cried out. The sword slipped +from his trembling hands. + +"What are you doing?" she cried. + +"Do not be afraid," answered Malchus. "I will not harm you." + +But Veronica was groping toward him in the dark. She set her foot on +the fallen sword. "Tell me," she whispered, "what you were going to +do." + +No reply came from the motionless figure half seen in the darkness +before her. She spoke again: + +"Swear to me by Jesus Christ that you will not kill yourself because +of me. Rather, if such is your wish, turn your sword against me, for +I am as anxious as you to preserve my chastity. I fled even from my +lawful husband for the sake of Christ, and when the Arabs captured me +I was on my way with the holy woman, Melania, to enter the White +Convent which is outside the walls of Alexandria. May we not, then, +live together in chastity, loving one another with a spiritual love? +I will cover up my face and speak to you only when necessity compels. +So we shall escape the sheikh's displeasure, for he will never know +that we are not in truth husband and wife." + +When Malchus heard these words and perceived the mercy of God, he +knelt down in the tent and offered up thanks to Him who is the +sinner's salvation. Veronica also prayed in a corner of the tent +apart, and when they had made an end they lay down to sleep, for at +dawn Malchus would have to go far out into the desert with the flock +and Veronica would follow him, leading the ass on which they would +load their tent and a few household utensils. In those days the herb +was becoming rare and they had to seek it so far afield that the +shepherd and his flock were often a whole month away from the Arab +camp. But at intervals of three or four days the sheikh, as was his +custom, rode out to see that all was well, and, perceiving that +Malchus took good care of the flock, he was content. + +For many weeks Malchus and Veronica lived together chastely in the +sandy solitudes, sharing their single tent and eating together; and +although they seldom spoke and Malchus never saw her face, yet he +knew that a kindness toward her was growing up in his heart, and, +imagining the face that he could not see, he had come to imagine it +always as the face of Helena. So day by day, as he sat lonely among +the high rocks and tended the grazing beasts, or lay drowsing at noon +in the shadow of some great stone or thorn bush, or watched nightly +with the prowling sheep dogs under stars which seemed every moment +about to shower down in their bright millions on to the dim gray +desert, his heart began more and more to turn back with longing +toward his cell. + +Then his mind grew fruitful with schemes. The sheikh, secure in his +confidence in Malchus, never visited them now more often than once in +four days, and Malchus began to see that it might be possible for him +and Veronica to escape. He knew where the river lay. From the rocky +heights above their present grazing-grounds he had seen its thin +silvery scroll gleaming far to the west. If they could carry enough +food and water for six days they might be able to reach the river and +find there a boat or some northward-moving caravan. + +One evening, when Veronica had finished milking the ewes, Malchus, +returning to their tent, found her in tears. Her trouble was so +great that she was unable to disguise it and she sat with her face +bowed in her hands, her shoulders shaken by sobs. At first, when +Malchus questioned her, she could not speak, but before long she had +gained control of herself. "I think," she sobbed, "that we shall be +captives until our death, and when I reflect that I shall never enter +the holy life for which I have left my husband and my home, despair +comes upon me, for it seems that God has not found worthy the life I +have offered to him." + +Then, for the first time, Malchus spoke to her of his schemes. "But +for wanderers in the desert," he said, "there waits hunger and +parching thirst and infinite weariness of the body. Would you risk +these things, and worse, for the bare chance of escape?" + +"I would gladly risk death itself," she said; and seeing her so +ready, Malchus began to build up a plan. + +"We must wait till the moon is almost at the full, and we must wait, +too, for a day when the sheikh comes to visit us so that we may have +all the interval between that visit and his next before our flight is +discovered. It will be a long journey, four days at the least, and, +if we wander a little out of our direction, perhaps six or seven. +And I must set about preparing food for the journey and water skins +in which to carry water, so that we shall not have to linger on the +way, seeking for these things, for water and green herbs may be very +scarce in the part of the desert that we must cross." + +During the days that followed, Malchus killed two kids and dried +their flesh for food, and from their skins he made water skins. It +was the shepherd's duty every second day to lead his flock to one of +the desert pools, for sheep must drink at least once in two days, and +next time he led them to the water Malchus took the skins and brought +them back filled. The moon was already waxing toward the full and, +everything being ready, Malchus and Veronica waited anxiously for the +sheikh's visit. + +He came, late one afternoon, cantering on his long-tailed mare, with +two companions. He began at once, as they had feared, to count over +the flock, and soon noticed that two kids were missing. When Malchus +told him that they had died, his face darkened and they waited with +stopped breath for what he would do. But next moment it seemed that +he accepted Malchus's tale, for his face cleared and he spoke of +other matters, and soon he and his two companions mounted and rode +away. + +Malchus and Veronica stood watching them as they grew smaller and +smaller and then vanished over the last visible wave of the desert +with bowed heads and cloaks filled out with the wind of their speed. + + + + +[Illustration: woodcut] + + _Chapter + Fifteen_ + +Then they began with feverish haste to prepare for flight. First +they dug out of the sand the kids' flesh and water skins which they +had buried to hide them from the sheikh, and then, leaving their tent +standing, they led the flock to the nearest pool, because Malchus +could not bring himself to desert the innocent beasts where they +would perish of thirst. + +When the light had almost gone and the flock had lain down about the +pool, they loaded the flesh and the two water skins on their +shoulders and struck out into the void. For a while the dead ashes +of the sunset guided them; then suddenly the heaven was full of +stars, waking depth beneath depth in glittering shoals, and when they +had marched a little above an hour the orange disk of the moon rose +out of the ghostly sands and the whole desert glimmered white and +visionary under the paling and brightening moonlight. They fled on +in haste, not daring for more than a few minutes and at rare +intervals to throw down their burdens and ease their aching +shoulders. Crest beyond crest and trough beyond trough, the desert +dropped downward beneath their stumbling feet and the uplands they +had left grew up higher and higher behind them, lines of black +ramparts against a luminous heaven. Dawn found them faint with +weariness on a rock-strewn waste between two crests. For two hours +still they labored on, till Veronica stumbled and fell and could not +rise. Then they ate a little of the flesh and drank some water and +laid themselves down to sleep a little in the shadows of the rocks. + +But it was not long before their fears awoke them, and soon they were +hastening on again until burning noon, brooding breathless upon the +fiery sand, drove them to seek the shadow. And now their failing +bodies, grown careless, in their dire exhaustion, of peril and death, +claimed the repose without which they could no longer endure the +labors demanded of them. They slept till the noonday ardor was long +spent; then, waking with renewed energy and renewed fear, they +plunged on through the hot and clogging sand, turning their heads +sometimes as they hurried onward, to scan the horizon behind them. +But the horizon was bare and all the great spaces they had traversed +empty of life, and moonrise saw them plodding painfully toward the +ever-receding crest of a vast undulation in the sand, beyond which +opened the star-hung emptiness of night. In all their journey they +spoke hardly at all; all their strength and all their breath were +needed to carry them on. But without the help of words, fellowship +and sympathy were strong between them, born of the fears and +hardships they had shared. Sometimes Malchus, reminding himself that +his companion was but a woman, would urge Veronica to take more rest +and food, but Veronica bore up with an energy equal to his own and +for him the steadfastness of body and soul in this small woman was a +thing for wonder and admiration. + +It was in the morning of the fourth day that, as Malchus turned to +stare backward on their tracks, two shapes rose suddenly upon the sky +line. In a moment they had dropped downward from the blue and were +descending the pallid gold of the desert. They were camel-drivers. +Malchus said nothing of it to Veronica, but his eyes anxiously +scanned the country that lay about them. They were rounding the slow +curve of a hillside. On their left the desert fell away to a wide, +empty hollow; on the right, not far above them, it heaved itself +against the sky in a rampart of broken rocks. Malchus led the way +upward. Their only hope was to find some cleft or hollow in the +rocks. He shot a glance backward. The riders had disappeared, but +he could see their tracks, scrawled in a long curve down the slope to +where a nearer crest hid them, and Malchus's trembling imagination +pictured them scouring the intervening hollow and mounting faster and +faster to the new crest on which, at any moment, they would appear, +terrifyingly enlarged. The knowledge that in that silence and +emptiness a secret death was rushing toward them, the sense of a +headlong pursuit about to burst upon them when and where he did not +know, but terribly soon and terribly near, gripped his heart in a +hand of ice. He threw his arm about the laboring Veronica, urging +her up the rising ground toward the rocks. Then, high above them, a +great ragged disk of black shadow appeared among the rocks and +Malchus knew that God, who is the Help of the helpless and the Hope +of the hopeless had opened a cavern for them in the cliff. They +climbed desperately toward it, gripping the sheer rocks with their +hands, and flung themselves within. Shrunk together into a dark +corner, they huddled breathless, listening while it seemed to each of +them that the loud beating of their hearts filled the whole cavern +with dull vibrations. Then, crouching there they grew aware that +they were not alone in the cave. Some other living thing was near +them; the air was thick with the rank, tawny smell of a wild beast. +But in their dire extremity they had no fear for any beast, for all +their fear was fastened upon their pursuers, who at any moment would +break in upon them. "If it please God," whispered Malchus, "this +cave shall be our salvation; but if He forsake us, at least it will +receive our dead bodies." + +Suddenly the golden mouth of the cave was blurred with shadow. A man +holding a drawn sword in his hand stood in the sunlight, so close +that, leaning forward, they might have touched him. They held their +breath, immovable as stone. Then the man, who, because his eyes were +unaccustomed to the darkness of the cave, could see nothing, shouted +into the echoing mouth. "Come out, you runaway slaves," he cried. +"Your master is waiting for you below." + +But as he shouted, something stirred in the darkness at the other +side of the cave and a great beast sprang at the man and hurled him +to the ground. His sword leaped from his loosened grasp and clanged +upon the rocky floor. Staring into the bright mouth of the cave, +they saw that the beast was a lioness. She stood for a moment with +her forepaws and her great head planted upon the prostrate body; then +slowly she dragged it into the cave where her cubs waited. From the +man there came not a sound, but they could hear the hot breathing of +the beast like a wind throttled in a cleft of the rocks. + +For a long while all was still. Then again a shadow troubled the +brightness of the cave's mouth; the shadow of a great arm swept +suddenly across the sunlit wall, and the voice of the sheikh, their +master, rang through the vault. Waiting below, he had become +impatient when his companion did not return with the captives, and +now he had come himself in great wrath. "Ho, Zogreb!" he shouted, +and the well-known voice struck terror to their hearts. "Bring them +out. Why do you delay?" + +With his sword raised he took three paces into the cave. But again +the lioness sprang like a tree-trunk hurled from a catapult, and the +sheikh went down before her as his servant had done. His last +agonized cry filled the cavern with the very voice of horror, and +then there was silence but for the dragging of the heavy corpse along +the floor. + +Then Malchus and Veronica rose up and went forth from the cave, and, +climbing down the rocks, they saw two camels picketed below. Then +both fell upon their faces and offered up thanks to Him who is the +Help of the helpless and the Hope of the hopeless, who had sent the +lioness to deliver them from their oppressor and had given them the +two camels to carry them back into freedom. And when they had eaten +and drunk of the store of provisions which they found upon the +camels, they loosed the picket ropes and mounted, and an hour before +sunset of the same day they came to the banks of the Nile. + +They followed the river, and as darkness fell they reached a town +where a north-bound ship was taking cargo for Alexandria. It was +even then almost ready to cast off. Malchus and Veronica made haste +to unload the camels, and while Veronica sat guarding the loads on +the wharf, Malchus led away the camels and sold them to provide money +for their passage. And within the hour they lay on the deck and the +great sail yawned above them in the feeble breeze, and above the +sail, above all their world of sand and rock and water, yawned the +profound blue of the night filled to its uttermost recesses with +luminous galaxies which showered their images on the black crystal of +the river gliding endlessly northward. They lay motionless: a great +peace had fallen upon them. It seemed that their lives, having +rushed down through a great turmoil of fears, agonies, and despairs, +had suddenly swung to rest in a dark, quiet pool. And in Malchus's +mind so great was the peace that he had ceased to look forward into +the future. + +It was Veronica's voice that recalled it to him. "Do for me now one +thing more, my brother," she said. "Lead me to the White Convent +without the walls of Alexandria. There we will bid each other +farewell and you will be free." + +[Illustration: woodcut] + +The words fell like a dirge upon his ears. How calmly Veronica spoke +of their parting. He himself had forgotten that they were to part. +The terrible adventures and hardships of their long flight had, for +him, drawn them together by a hundred bonds of sympathy. Day by day +he had seen the great spirit shining in the small, calm face and +carrying the small body through ordeals that even a strong man might +fear to face, and his own spirit had bowed in reverence before her +nobility. Now, remembering that in a few days he was to bid her +farewell, his soul shrank within him at the thought of the +separation. It was as if the noblest part of himself was to be cut +away from him. And during the long, calm days of the voyage he sat +silent and unmoving beside her while the endless golden hills, the +long lines of emerald palm grove and the broken temples and monstrous +sculptured gods of a race long dead glided past them and were lost in +the all-devouring distance. And it seemed to him, as he watched that +endless flux and dissolution, that all the human things of his own +world--the love, the beauty, the swift adventure--were being slowly +but irrevocably withdrawn from him, leaving him cold, stripped, and +solitary, a shape of rock exposed to the warring tempests of heaven +and hell till it should be weathered down to a handful of pure gold +or a heap of restless sand. At night, when he slept, his dreams +turned always to Helena. In every dream now she was in danger or +captivity, calling to him to save her, to take her back to him. Her +voice came to him small and faint from behind closed doors, out of +thick darkness, across impenetrable forests. Sometimes for a brief +moment she stood before him, close and vivid; but as his heart warmed +into final happiness she faded from his sight with an unfinished +appeal on her lips. Sometimes he dreamed of one of his earlier loves +and sometimes, too, of Veronica, but always at the end of the dream +the face, or body, or voice resolved itself into Helena, as though +Helena were for him the essence and symbol of all womanhood. + + +[Illustration: woodcut] + + + + +[Illustration: woodcut] + + _Chapter + Sixteen_ + +Malchus sat outside the closed gate of the White Convent. He had +faithfully led Veronica to her destination; an hour ago she had +entered the gate and with the closing of the gate behind her she had +left the world forever. She had approached the convent as a lover +approaching her beloved, and as she bade farewell to Malchus and his +eyes fell upon her for the last time her face shone with the ecstatic +gladness of a saint entering Paradise. Yet, though that moment was +also the moment of his own freedom, Malchus felt none of her +gladness. He felt only homeless and abandoned; it was as though his +heart were dying within him. He found comfort only in the thought of +Alexandria, whose walls and towers showed a mile to the east above +the greenery of a vineyard. There, it seemed to him, Helena waited +to give him that peace which he had sought so long. Kneeling beside +the convent wall, he prayed desperately for guidance, but still his +thoughts and desires drew him to Alexandria so strongly and so +insistently that at last he came to believe that, for some hidden +reason, it was God's will that he should enter the city. He delayed, +perplexed and timid, till he fell asleep, seated there in the gray +dust under the convent wall. + +When he woke his soul was trembling like a harp string at the touch +of a half-forgotten dream. Some heavenly vision had come to him and +gone again, leaving a trouble like the echo of incomprehensible +words. Then, as he groped for the meaning of the vision, the words +took on clearness and sense. "Go into Alexandria," they seemed to +say, "and follow your desires, for thus you shall find your peace." + +That, it seemed, was the only answer to his prayer. He rose and, +with slow and doubtful steps, began to make his way toward the city, +and at sunset he entered the court of Diocles the poet and stood by +the little fountain which leaped from a fringe of tall blue irises, +while the slave went to announce his name. He had not waited for +more than a minute when a quick step sounded in the portico and +Diocles, with the familiar movement of his wide shoulders, came +hurrying forward with outstretched hands. + +"My dear Malchus!" he cried in his deep, ringing voice, laying his +two hands on Malchus's shoulders. "At last you have returned after +all this time. And you left us without a word ... without a hint, +how many years ago?" + +"A lifetime, for me, Diocles!" Malchus replied, gazing at his friend +as at some incredible vision. + +"Yes, a lifetime indeed, my friend; for you are changed beyond +belief." + +Malchus did not reply, for he realized now for the first time the +full magnitude of the change which had come over him. For Diocles +was not changed; he was the same as when Malchus had last seen him, +but it seemed to him that he himself was beholding his friend and the +familiar house across a gulf wide as the grave, for the man and the +place, so familiar to his sight, were strange, immeasurably strange, +to his mind and soul. He felt that he had dropped back suddenly into +a life whose language he had forgotten and he could do nothing but +gaze at Diocles in speechless bewilderment. Diocles saw his distress +and, throwing his arm about Malchus's shoulder, led him into the +house. + +"Come, my friend," he said, "you are exhausted. The slaves shall +take you to the bath and I will seek you out some fresher and more +comfortable clothes than those you are wearing at present. When you +are bathed and rested you shall tell me your adventures, which, I am +sure, must have been of the strangest." Diocles clapped his hands +and the slaves came and led Malchus to the bath. + +But the slaves, as they bathed the parched body and anointed it with +unguents, gazed at Malchus in astonishment, for, overcome by the +waking of a hundred memories, his dazed mind had sunk into a stupor +and it seemed to them that the nerveless body and limbs that they +handled were the body and limbs of a puppet. + +When he was bathed and dressed, one of the slaves led him to the +portico where Diocles reclined, waiting for him. The poet rose at +his approach and led him to a couch beside his own. "Lie here, my +dear Malchus," he said, "and rest. You are still, I think, too tired +to talk. Try to sleep for a while. I will give orders that no one +is to be admitted." + +Malchus lay down without a word; then, looking up at his friend, his +eyes kindled for a moment to something of their old intensity. + +"Tell me," he asked, "before I sleep, of Helena." + +"Still of Helena, my poor Malchus? But what can I tell you? Helena +has gone. Months ago she left us almost as suddenly as you did. She +had been ill for a while and suddenly one day we heard that her villa +was closed and she had gone abroad--to Constantinople, it was said. +The villa is closed still and nobody can tell us whether or not she +will ever return." + +Malchus made no reply, but Diocles, looking into the worn face of his +friend, saw the lips turn gray and a look of deeper suffering +contract the wrinkled flesh about the eyes, and as he laid his head +back upon the pillow he turned away his face like a dying man. + +For many days Malchus stayed on, a lonely stranger, in the house of +Diocles. When friends, some of whom had been his friends, visited +Diocles, he avoided them, for he could no longer talk to them. Their +fluent, cultured talk had lost all meaning for him, and he sat silent +among them, his eyes like the eyes of a wild creature that has been +trapped in a cage. Diocles saw that some devastating experience had +transformed his friend and was careful to guard him from all +annoyance. In time, he hoped, Malchus would recover something of his +old self. And sometimes, indeed, it seemed that he was awaking from +his stupor, for by degrees, when he and Diocles were alone, he began +to break silence. He spoke always of the past, of his old life in +Alexandria; but his talk was always vague and hesitating and he +questioned Diocles often, as though he were blindly seeking for some +clue in events which he himself had half forgotten. It was as though +he were recovering from a long and severe illness. + +One day he dared at last to walk out into the city. He went alone, +walking slowly and shrinkingly, keeping close to the walls like a man +who fears an ambush. And indeed he had cause to fear, for on all +sides from streets and squares and porches the ambushed memories +arose like strong perfumes from flowers, till the present reality +about him was confused and darkened by the stronger and more +tyrannous reality of the past, searching out and delicately torturing +the hidden nerves of spirit and sense. As he gazed about him he knew +that he had lost that awareness of place and time, of the here and +the now, by which a man is able to relate himself to his temporal +surroundings. His spirit had strayed, it seemed, into some +interspace between past and present, his old life in Alexandria, his +present ghost-like haunting of those old scenes, and the remote, +holy, and terrible life of the desert; for all of these diverse lives +were present to him and all were equally real or unreal. + +Such was the mood in which he wandered through the city. Soon he +found himself standing at the door of Helena's garden. His instinct +had led him there. But now another instinct--the instinct of the +hermit who had fled from the cane-gatherer and shrunk away from the +presence of Veronica--tightened his muscles in a spasm of revulsion, +and with clenched fists and suddenly indrawn breath he drew back from +the door. He was on the point of hastening away, when those words +which had come to him in the dream struck again upon his sense so +clearly that it seemed that some invisible presence had spoken them +in his ear. "Go into the city and follow your desires, for thus +shall you find your peace." But to what purpose had his desires led +him to the house where Helena was no more? Even if he should try to +enter the deserted garden, he would surely find this door barred +against him. The very door looked deserted; it was weather-worn and +caked with dust, and the weeds encumbered the threshold. He stood +irresolutely gazing at it. Then, obeying an idle impulse, he +stretched out his hand and laid it on the latch. + +To his surprise, the door opened. He went in and closed it quickly +behind him. + +The garden was beautiful in its abandonment; the paths that had been +so faultless in the old days were covered with weeds; the grass of +the lawns, formerly short and smooth as the fur of a squirrel, stood +a foot high, and the flowers had broken bounds and changed the place +into a jungle rich with a hundred odors and colors. Its beauty +soothed the heart which ached for its desolation. + +Walking slowly and softly like one who enters a holy place, Malchus +made his way toward the house. He came upon it round a tall grove of +rose-laurels, thick with blossom. Like the little door and the +garden, it was desolate. He stood like one in a trance, gazing with +incredulous eyes. It faced him blindly. He felt that he was looking +into a dead and eyeless face which till now had always shone for him +with a thousand welcomes. Still, as if attracted by the misery of +it, he walked on and stood by the tall porch. Suddenly his heart +leaped. Rapid footsteps were approaching him. He turned. An old +man stood before him. Malchus knew him--he was Helena's house +steward. + +"What are you doing here?" the old man asked. There was both fear +and challenge in his voice. + +"You do not recognize me, Ammon," Malchus answered him. "I am +Malchus, the son of Sempronius. I have been away for a long while +and, finding the garden door open just now, I entered. Let me come +in and look round the house too, and then I will depart." + +"I am sorry, sir, but you cannot enter." + +"But why? Surely..." + +"My mistress gave strict orders, sir." + +"Yes, against inquisitive strangers, Ammon; but an old friend.... +Come, let me go in." Malchus was about to enter when the old man +seized him by the cloak. + +"Stop, sir! Stop! Let me explain." Malchus turned impatiently and +saw that the old man was trembling. The sight of his trouble roused +a sudden, enthralling doubt in Malchus's mind, and his persistence +became the more stubborn. + +"You know me, my friend," he said. "Why make all this trouble? I am +not a thief." + +"I implore you, sir, to go away. The gate should not have been left +open. It was all my fault, and the consequences..." + +"That is soon remedied, Ammon; and, as it happens, no harm has come +of it." Malchus, too, was trembling now. The old man stood wringing +his hands. + +"Do not speak so loud, sir. Let me explain, since you will not go; +but promise me on your honor that you will not reveal what I tell +you." + +"I promise." + +"My mistress is still here." + +Malchus gasped and clutched the old man's shoulder. "Here? In the +house?" + +"Yes, sir." + +"I must see her." + +"You cannot, sir. She has given strict orders that not even her +dearest friends are to know that she is here." + +But Malchus had forgotten the old man. The beating of his heart was +stifling him and, flinging out his arms, he rushed past Ammon into +the house. + +It echoed to his footsteps like an empty tomb as he hastened from +chamber to chamber. Each was empty till he came to the small inner +chamber which had been Helena's private sitting room. As he entered +it, two slaves rose quickly from their watch beside a couch and +hurried toward him with hands raised to bar his approach. Malchus +could see that on the couch behind them some one lay motionless. + +When he did not stop, each of the slaves seized one of his arms and +with a strength born of his frenzy he dragged them with him toward +the couch. + +The face that stared blindly at him from the couch was not the face +of Helena. As he staggered back in horror it seemed to him at first +that the heavy, leonine mask foully discolored with brown blotches +was not a human face at all. Yet the shape of the linen-covered body +was human, and he saw, with a shudder, that a naked human arm, +horribly thickened and corroded, lay across the breast. + +He turned away his face. His eyes met those of Ammon, who had +followed him. "Take me to your mistress," he pleaded in a broken +voice. + +The old man nodded toward the couch. + +Malchus covered his face with his hands. "No!" he moaned. "No! +Such things are not possible." + +Then a harsh, stertorous voice was heard in the room. "Who is it?" +the voice asked. + +A silence, filled by the thick breathing of the leper, followed the +question. + +"Ammon," the voice began again, "answer immediately. Who is this +stranger?" + +Malchus turned and fell on his knees, but with eyes averted from the +couch. "It is I, Helena--Malchus. I have come back." + +Again there was silence. Then the reply came: + +"Go away. I do not know you. Ammon, order the slaves to drive him +out with whips." + +But Ammon and the slaves stood motionless beside the couch, and +Malchus, with a cry like the snapping of a cord, fled from the room +and ran stumbling through the garden till he fell headlong in the +long grass. + + +[Illustration: woodcut] + + + + +[Illustration: woodcut] + + _Chapter + Seventeen_ + +So Malchus found his cure. When he came to himself the sun was low. +A coolness breathed through the trees and the long grass in which he +lay. It seemed to him that he had awakened out of a long fever. His +mind was clear and cool like the garden about him. A bond within him +had snapped, as at birth the bond is severed that binds the child to +the mother. The past had broken from him and plunged away like an +avalanche into the depths far beneath him, leaving him high and +lonely like a single granite rock which has escaped the crash; and as +he stood up in the grass he knew that he was cured of the long +distemperature of earthly love. + +He stood waiting. Soon the sun would set. But as he waited, the +light grew and soon the garden was filled with the pure essence of +early sunlight. The sunset and the hours of darkness had passed over +him as he lay in the grass, and already the new day had risen. +Without hesitation he made his way to the garden door and, closing it +behind him, turned his steps, as he had done once before, toward Lake +Mareotis. Soon he had left the city and threaded the long vineyards, +and now he stood on the wharf at the edge of the lake. A ship was +waiting and, going on board, he sat down and covered his head with +his cloak. It was as if time had rolled back and a part of his life +were repeating itself. But this time he followed no one, for he +needed no guide or support, being sufficient to himself. Out in the +desert his trial awaited him, but now he went forward in confidence, +desiring only his cell which faced the east high on its sandy hill, +for there, he knew, he would find his salvation. + + +[Illustration: woodcut] + + + + +[Transcriber's note: Odd and unusual spellings are as printed.] + + + + + + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75705 *** |