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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77997 ***
+
+
+
+
+  TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE
+  Some minor changes to the text are noted at the end of the book.
+
+
+
+
+                             UNCLE TWEAZY
+
+                               AND HIS
+
+                        QUIZZICAL NEIGHBOURS.
+
+
+         Plummer and Brewis, Printers, Love-lane, Eastcheap.
+
+
+
+                             UNCLE TWEAZY
+
+                               AND HIS
+
+                        QUIZZICAL NEIGHBOURS:
+
+                       _A COMI-SATIRIC NOVEL_.
+
+                          IN THREE VOLUMES.
+
+                                  BY
+
+            _The Author of the_ “_Observant Pedestrian_,”
+
+                             &c. &c. &c.
+
+             “Holds to the world a picture of itself,
+             “And raises sly the fair impartial laugh.”
+                                          _Thomson’s Winter._
+
+
+                               VOL. I.
+
+                              _LONDON_:
+
+               PRINTED FOR W. SIMPKIN AND R. MARSHALL,
+                  STATIONERS’-COURT, LUDGATE-STREET.
+
+                                1816.
+
+
+
+
+                     UNCLE TWEAZY.
+
+
+
+
+CHAP. I.
+
+
+In the centrical part of a small village, not an hundred and fifty
+miles from the capital, resided my old uncle Peter Tweazy, one of the
+most petulant and unprepossessing of human beings, but so eminently
+endowed with the favours of fortune, that not a mushroom-picker or
+a plough-boy passed his gate, without dropping a bob-curtsey or a
+hob-nail scrape and a nod, if they could but discover the tip of
+Squire Tweazy’s red velvet night-cap through any window in the
+house; or if that was not the case, they mechanically bowed to the
+gate itself; for they were told always to homage the squire, as he
+could, when he pleased, be bountiful to the children of indigence.
+
+Petulant beyond all idea, he was literally a living monument of
+self perplexity; for having been crossed in love in the early part
+of life, he had never forgot the disappointment, and was now in
+his sixty-fifth year, the most ill-natured man in existence, and
+certainly one of the most unpleasant companions upon earth. If he
+frowned, every brow must instantly contract; if perchance he forced a
+smile, every body must dilate their muscles from a simper to a broad
+grin; in short, the whole world must conform to his humour, though he
+took especial care never to conform to any body’s.
+
+One poor slave in the shape of a housekeeper, who had patiently borne
+the yoke of his troublesome services thirty years, and old Geoffry,
+who officiated in the united capacities of butler, groom, valet, and
+gardener, composed the favourites of the family, with the exception
+only of Alice the cook, whom he boasted could alike dress him a
+turtle or potatoe in perfection, a qualification which few women
+possessed; and my poor uncle being a great epicure, Mrs. Alice’s
+culinary talents were highly prized by her master, which with the
+occasional promise of being scratched down in one corner of his will,
+as a reward for past services, made her doubly diligent.
+
+Now, though my uncle was excessively morose, he could, when the
+humour suited, be sociable with his neighbours; and as every one
+was aware of his temper, they heeded not his petulance; all looked
+upon him as an eccentric being; the opulent admired him for his
+talents, which at times, when he liked his companions, he could
+most ably exert; and the indigent feared his frowns. So that upon
+the whole, his virtues counterpoised his vices, temper excepted,
+which overbalanced all bounds; but as people used to say, there was
+no knowing _who_ might become his heir, (having quarrelled all his
+life with the major part of his family, my father excepted,) and I
+happening to have been a great favourite with him when a school boy,
+I determined to try my luck with the old gentleman, and accordingly,
+self-invited, I formed a plan of passing a fortnight with him; and
+receiving his most gracious answer and assent, I left London with a
+full determination to _bear_ and _forbear_, and in thirty hours found
+myself at his gate.
+
+“How is your master, Geoffry?”
+
+“Much as _usual_, Sir,” and Geoffry sighed. I therefore concluded by
+the doleful cast of his countenance, that all was not right; however,
+he opened the parlour door, and in I walked, greeting the old squire,
+as I thought, very politely.
+
+“How d’ye do, good Sir? I’m rejoiced to see you.”
+
+“I guessed as much, nephew; I guessed as much, by your being in too
+great a hurry to _wipe_ your shoes, but I can assure you, my servants
+won’t _rejoice_ at the trouble of cleaning the hall; you have made
+more dirt in one moment, than I do in a year.”
+
+“I beg ten thousand pardons, Sir.”
+
+“Pshaw, boy!” (and he curled up his nose like a snarling dog) “that’s
+nine hundred and ninety-nine too many. Why exaggerate? Why talk
+nonsense?”
+
+“Wrong again,” said I to myself; “well, but how do you find yourself,
+Sir?” and I ventured to take a chair.
+
+“Why, I find myself every thing I should not be; a mere composition
+of pain and perplexity; every body and every thing conspires to
+torment me. How’s your father and mother, hey, boy?”
+
+“Charming, Sir, I thank you.”
+
+“Charming?” repeated my uncle with a sarcastic drawl, “that is
+impossible.”
+
+“I must beg leave to differ from you in that point, Sir; there are
+not two more worthy people on earth than my father and mother.”
+
+“Different people, different opinions,” rejoined my uncle, carelessly
+taking a pinch of snuff. “Any news in town, child?”
+
+“Nothing particular, Sir.”
+
+“Aye, we live in a sad world; I’m sick of it.”
+
+“Very troublesome times, indeed, Sir,” replied I, most humbly
+acquiescent.
+
+“Not troublesome at all, if a parcel of foolish headstrong folks did
+not trouble themselves with what don’t concern them; but pray don’t
+talk politics in my presence; it’s a subject I detest. Well, but now
+you haven’t told how your father and mother do?”
+
+“Both well, Sir; they have sent you a turbot, of which they beg your
+acceptance.”
+
+“Humph! Why did they do that, child, when it’s the _only_ fish I
+detest; I can’t bear the very name of it.”
+
+“Bless me, how unlucky!” exclaimed I.
+
+“Not at all,” replied my uncle; “I shall make a present of it to the
+parson; he won’t think it unlucky, I’ll be bound; so it’s all mighty
+well, if it’s honestly _paid_ for.”
+
+This sarcasm uttered with much gravity, gave my temper a fillip; but
+I swallowed the pill, and directing my eye towards the garden, I
+observed how delightfully pleasant it appeared.
+
+“I don’t think it looks pleasant at all,” said my uncle.
+
+“It’s a delightful day, Sir.”
+
+“By no means; it’s too sultry; it’s going to rain; there’s a nasty
+blight hanging in the air.”
+
+“Well, I’m no great judge, to be sure, Sir.”
+
+“So it’s a sign; you need not have blown a cracked trumpet.”
+
+“Why, I’m a cockney to be sure, Sir.”
+
+“So much the better,” said my uncle; “an honest cockney can never be
+a bad man.”
+
+Unfortunately, at this moment I happened to stretch my listless form
+upon the chair, and slid one of my legs across the marble hearth.
+
+“Mercy defend me!” exclaimed my uncle, “is that the new fashioned
+way of sitting on a chair, or are you inventing caricature postures?
+See, your shoes are sprawled over my hearth. If I had wanted the
+polish rasped off in that manner, I could have sent for one of my
+plough-boys.”
+
+I begged pardon, withdrew my truant foot, seated myself in an upright
+posture; but, alas, having assumed the indulgence of lolling my elbow
+on the table, and drumming a little stave of vexation with my fingers.
+
+“Boy! boy!” rejoined my uncle, “have a care; see how you are spoiling
+your coat, and ruining my bright table. What, are you making
+drumsticks of your fingers, on purpose to render them as dubby as
+a cobler’s; dear me, how terribly troublesome an unthinking person
+makes himself for want of a moment’s attention.”
+
+The flush of vexation crossed my cheek, and I took out my
+handkerchief to erase the spots, which I began rubbing off.
+
+“Zounds!” exclaimed my uncle, “why, the fellow’s mad; d’ye think
+we have not something of less value in the house than a silk
+handkerchief, to make a dishclout of? Ring the bell; do, pray, if you
+can.” Not doubting my own abilities, I seized the pull and off set
+such alarum as might have roused the whole village.
+
+My uncle jumped up, stamped his feet, stopped his ears, and paced the
+room like a madman, till the vibration ceased, and old Geoffry stood
+bowing before him to know what he pleased to want.
+
+“My hearing, my senses, a new pair of drums to my ears,” said my
+uncle; “I’ll tell you what, nephew, in cool blood,” (though he foamed
+with passion,) “if ever you ring a bell again in such a manner in my
+house, I’ll knock you down; you’ll excuse me, but I shall certainly
+knock you down.” I bowed, and assured him I should for the future be
+more on my guard.
+
+“I desire you will,” continued my uncle, “or else you’ll plague my
+soul out. Here, Geoffry, see if you can find any thing in the house
+to rub these spots out with, except my best laced ruffled shirt; or
+if you can’t, my nephew will lend you the elbow of his _new_ coat, or
+a _silk_ handkerchief.”
+
+Geoffry withdrew, and I again adjusted another erect position, but
+most unfortunately for me, he had left the door open, and my uncle
+requesting me to shut it, I mechanically slammed it too with my left
+hand.
+
+“Plague take the fellow!” exclaimed my uncle, “I shall run wild. What
+d’ye mean by banging the door with one hand, as if God hadn’t given
+you two; one would think that you was a white-smith, trying to spoil
+all the locks, and wrench off the hinges to make good for trade. I
+never saw your equal in my life; for whether sitting still or moving,
+you appear to me to be committing perpetual depredation.”
+
+Oh, how I wished myself at home! My very chair was planted with
+thorns; but I remembered my vow; “bear and forbear, rebellious
+heart!” said I, and this silent soliloquy tranquillized my rising
+choler; but the reflection I was to endure it for a fortnight, almost
+conquered my determination.
+
+
+
+
+CHAP. II.
+
+
+At length, after a pause of some moments, “Nephew,” said my uncle,
+“if you’ll lend me your arm, I’ll treat you with a walk round my
+grounds; you was always a promising lad, and I hope I shan’t be
+deceived in you. I wish to make your time pass pleasantly; I shall
+do all in my power to make you comfortable; I’m an odd man, but I
+must have my way; I shall pay well for’t in time; you understand me,
+boy; all’s in _your_ power, if you mind your hits. I haven’t made my
+will yet;” and he winked me a sagacious leer, intimating a sort of
+_cobweb_ promise.
+
+We now proceeded to the garden, where, miserable to relate, the high
+narrow heels of my Cordovan Hessians so perforated the damp gravel,
+that wherever I trod, an ungracious cavity marked the spot, which
+the vigilant eye of my uncle soon discovered, and he halloed with
+the vehemence of a Stentor, for Geoffry to bring the flat clogs,
+declaring that a mad ox could not have done him more mischief.
+
+In vain I apologized; he looked as sulky as a bear, and requested
+I’d pluck him half a dozen peaches; the fruit looked tempting, and I
+obeyed his command; but lo, when he came to _pinch_ them, not one was
+ripe enough to please his palate.
+
+“Psha! what an oaf thou art, child! These peaches are as hard as
+iron; they are not worth a ----” the sentence I must not repeat,
+though I both heard and felt it.
+
+“I _thought_ they were ripe, Sir,” and I cast a penitent look.
+
+“Never _think_ for any body but yourself, Sir,” and on we walked arm
+in arm, till we came within sight of a remarkable fine cherry tree,
+at the foot of which stood a short ladder, which my uncle requested
+me to ascend, and gather a leaf-full of cherries.
+
+Alert as a squirrel, up I mounted, and espying one bunch loaded with
+delicious clusters, I fixed my foot on a protruding bough, and had
+just got the tempting prize in my hand, when from some perverse fate
+that seemed doomed to attend me, the treacherous basis snapped under
+my foot, and precipitated me to the ground, bringing with me an
+immense branch, to which I mechanically clung for preservation.
+
+Stunned with the fall, and smothered with the mashed cherries, though
+I had incurred no other injury, had you seen my uncle’s countenance,
+you would never have forgotten it; he stood petrified at the sight of
+his mutilated tree, but my broken neck or limbs seemed no object of
+consideration.
+
+“I am not hurt,” said I, picking myself nimbly up.
+
+“But my tree is materially injured; you have done me a guinea’s worth
+of damage in a moment.”
+
+“But I might have broken a limb, which would have been much worse.”
+
+“You have _limbed_ my finest tree, however, Sir; run into the house,
+and call Geoffry.”
+
+Off I bounded, but as I had committed so much depredation on the
+gravel, I ran across the lawn, where I had scarce set foot, when my
+uncle’s terrific vociferation to “come off, come off,” arrested my
+pace.
+
+“What the devil are you galloping like a race-horse over the lawn
+for? Go round by the shrubbery, and up the espalier walk, you Sir,
+d’ye hear?”
+
+I obeyed his mandate, and springing from the lawn, I took the
+premised direction; but I had not proceeded ten yards before the
+crown of my hat caught the branch of a low standard apricot, and
+knock off a cluster of seven, which rolled in golden balls at my feet.
+
+“The devil has certainly bewitched me,” said I, stooping to pick up
+the fruit, when a plaguy officious pug dog, who was at that moment
+making towards me, ran between my feet; and losing my equilibrium,
+I pitched heels over head, and dashed off a fine young nonpareil
+espalier at one crash.
+
+Dismayed with vexation, I had only to pick up the apricots, which
+I thought most prudent to put out of sight, by swallowing them as
+fast as possible; but with the espalier I could do nothing without
+the advice and assistance of Geoffry, though, thank heaven, my uncle
+was out of sight of my dilemma, and being pretty expeditious in my
+motions, I soon reached the hall door, where my unlucky stars again
+clashed in conjunction, for turning round rather too sharp, my elbow
+struck one of the crown glass panes, and shivered it completely.
+
+Poor Geoffry stood a statue of astonishment and despair. “Master will
+never forgive you, Sir for sartin sure; they panes bees a guineas
+a-piece; dear heart! dear heart! what a mishap!”
+
+I then briefly related the accident of the cherry and espalier trees,
+the latter of which he assured me he would endeavour to repair,
+provided it did not meet the old gentleman’s eye, “for which reason
+I shall persuade him to return to the house as fast as possible, for
+fear of rain,” said Geoffry.
+
+“Is you master always so ill tempered and snappish?” asked I.
+
+“I have never seen him otherwise these thirty years,” replied
+Geoffry, as we quickened our pace down the portentous espalier walk,
+where lay the levelled nonpariel, which he gave me hopes of being
+able to replace without discovery. “But the pane of glass,” continued
+he, “how shall we get over that? We must not lay it on the dog;
+Master knows better, and never forgives a lie.” We therefore agreed
+he should fetch the glazier, and I pay the expence, as the best mode
+of preventing anger.
+
+By this time we were in sight of my uncle, who was busily picking off
+the cherries from the broken branch, and soliloquizing with numerous
+oaths on my aukwardness in a muttering tone, as we approached.
+
+“Here’s a pretty job!” exclaimed he; “here’s a pretty concern!”
+
+“It might have been worse, Sir,” said Geoffry scratching his head.
+“The gentleman might have broke his neck! Lack a daisey, Sir, never
+care about it; it has saved me the trouble of lopping next autumn;
+for it must have come off; it’s all seer wood, so of a bad job, I
+think it turns out a good one.”
+
+“What signifies what you think?” replied my uncle. “I think you
+talk like an old fool; clear it away out of my sight; it will be a
+memorial to me of my nephew’s aukwardness as long as I live.”
+
+“This has indeed been one of the perplexing hours of my existence,”
+replied I, “but I hope I shall be able, my dear Sir, to make you
+amends.”
+
+“Psha! that’s mighty unlikely,” retorted he; “and as for _hoping_
+about it, hope won’t mend my tree; hopes are cobwebs dangling in the
+air, possessing just as much substance as their texture.”
+
+Poor old Geoffry, who plainly discerned the black cloud that deepened
+his master’s brow, and dreaded the second part of the storm, gave me
+a jog of the elbow, and a significant wink, and with a face of much
+earnest enquiry, thus addressed him:
+
+“Pray, Sir, did you leave the hall door open?”
+
+“Perhaps I might; I believe I did; why, what of that?”
+
+“Why then, Sir,” continued Geoffry, winking with both his eyes, “it
+has slapped too with the _wind_ or _somehow_, and dashed a pane of
+glass all to shivers.”
+
+“Impossible!” cried my uncle; “totally impossible, if the wind blew
+a hurricane from every point of the compass, it could not break that
+glass.”
+
+“But it could slam the door, I suppose,” rejoined Geoffry, who had
+now triumphantly carried his point, “for I’ll swear, please your
+honour, I found it in that state; it made noise enough, and neither I
+or the maids were near it, and you and Mr. Victor were in the garden.
+So, in short, Sir, it must be your own fault, I’m sure. The gentleman
+saw all the broken glass, and was as flustered like as I was; wasn’t
+you, Sir?”
+
+This appeal demanded as ingenious a reply as Geoffry had hatched
+to save anger, and I therefore vehemently asserted that I _saw_ the
+disaster, and it really did appear incredulous that the _wind_ should
+have such power, but such causes and effects would occasionally take
+place in despite of all caution.
+
+“It’s a mighty strange occurrence,” continued my uncle, musing on his
+cane; “there don’t seem to be any wind stirring.”
+
+“Oh, yes, there is; and it’s going to blow up rain in a few minutes;
+lauk, Sir, you haven’t got your hat on; you had better return to the
+house the way you came, and shew Mr. Victor the rest of the grounds
+to-morrow morning.”
+
+“Well, I believe that will be the best way, Geoffry, for I’m horridly
+bored with perplexities this morning; come, Victor, give me your arm;
+there, gently! Don’t walk so fast; you’ll pull me down.”
+
+We now crept on a funeral pace, he grumbling at his own supposed
+carelessness, and execrating the wind, I secretly laughing in my
+sleeve, and admiring the ingenuity of old Geoffry, who out of three
+troubles had relieved me of two most consequential ones.
+
+The mutilated pane proved the next source of perplexity, and Geoffry
+was dispatched down the village to fetch the glazier, who soon
+repaired the damage, and all was right.
+
+Dinner shortly after made its appearance, and with it commenced my
+further vexations. A carp bone first stuck in my throat to torment
+me, and in a paroxysm of strangulation attempting to swallow some
+beer, I threw it all over the tablecloth.
+
+My uncle execrated my aukwardness, and observed my bread lay on the
+wrong side of my plate, which those who studied men and manners
+ought to know; but some _never_ arrived at the age of discretion.
+
+With such like taunts, the fish and fowl was removed for a supply of
+tarts and jellies, both which I should have managed extremely well,
+if a new plague, in the shape of a codling dumpling, (my uncle’s
+most favourite dish) had not made its appearance, to dress which my
+uncle requested me to hand him a little melted butter, which with
+my usual alacrity I whipped into the cavity of the dumpling, to the
+great dismay of my uncle, who precipitately exclaimed, “It’s anchovy
+sauce, by G--d. Take it out of my sight; clear the table, and let me
+starve;” then rising abruptly, “if you can’t say grace, nephew, let
+Geoffry repeat it over the dumpling.”
+
+“The tureens being covered, Sir, I really did not perceive the
+difference of the sauces. I sincerely beg pardon; but in my zeal to
+serve you I confess I have committed a most provoking mistake,” said
+I.
+
+“Aye, it’s that plaguy zeal, as you call it, that does so much
+mischief. I little thought, when I stood sponsor for you, what a
+clumsy fellow you’d make. I’m sure you’re old enough to know better;
+I believe by my chronological book you’re three and twenty.”
+
+I bowed; “It’s a true bill, Sir, indeed.”
+
+“I’m sorry for it,” rejoined my uncle; “for it bears a very bad stamp
+for _value received_.”
+
+“Dear Sir, I’m the most volatile fellow upon earth; my heart’s the
+very mansion of peace and content, and I would not willingly injure
+a worm; Providence has blest me with an eminent share of health, and
+I dare say I shall never look grave till I’m in love.”
+
+My uncle groaned! I had forgot myself, and by endeavouring to
+exculpate my error, I had launched into a much greater, which nothing
+but his groan would have brought to my recollection; and a profound
+silence in consequence ensued, during which pause I had stedfastly
+fixed my eyes on my uncle’s countenance, which displayed a complete
+portrait of misanthropy: his long white eye-brows shaded his
+downcast eye half an inch lower than usual; and his protending under
+lip seemed quivering with some inarticulate sentence, while I sat
+petrified at the visible agitation I had unintentionally caused; at
+length starting from his reverie:--
+
+“Love,” cried he, “Victor, my boy, is either the supreme source of
+earthly bliss, or the severest calamity of heaven; to me, alas!
+perhaps, you know, it has proved an unrooted thorn, rankling my
+peace of mind, and almost subduing the principles of philanthropy I
+once possessed; ’tis that has rendered me petulant, ’tis that has
+tinctured the cup of life with bitterest gall. Perhaps, you never
+heard the particulars, but some evening I’ll endeavour to relate them
+as a lesson to you; till when, don’t again start the subject.”
+
+While I was thanking him for his intended confidence, to which
+I promised to pay strict attention, a loud ringing at the gate
+announced the arrival of some visitor, which broke the thread of an
+interesting subject, by Geoffry’s announcing Dr. Tonic.
+
+
+
+
+CHAP. III.
+
+
+Imagine a man of the middling stature, a complexion truly Egyptian,
+embellished by _two_ black eyes, not a pair, for one was constantly
+screwed up like an old woman’s money box, in consequence of a defect
+in the sight; a pair of enormous black bushy eye-brows, and a mouth
+wide enough to have swallowed his own pestle and mortar; though,
+in fact, beside _eating_, its chief employment was to retail all
+the news of the village, which the Doctor collected and disbursed
+wholesale; a black coat striped waistcoat, brown inexpressibles and
+boots, subjoined to a snug brown bob wig, and a _cocked_ hat, which
+tending to add _fierceness_ to _ugliness_, completed his figure.
+
+A violent hem! hem! (loud enough to have raised instant annihilation
+to a nervous patient) and a profound bow added to half a dozen
+_swaggering professional steps_, brought him to my uncle’s side.
+
+“How d’ye do, Sir? How d’ye do to-day?”
+
+And down he sat _sniffing_ his nose, _snapping_ his eyes, and
+_distorting_ his features with a variety of _nervous catches_ and
+gestures, during which operation he had fixed his eye intently on me,
+which my uncle observing, said:
+
+“That’s my nephew Victor, just arrived from London, to spend some
+time with me.”
+
+The Doctor bowed. “How d’ye do, Mr. Victor? I thought I discerned
+a family likeness, I declare; I shall be glad to see you with your
+respected uncle, to take a bit of mutton at my house. Mrs. Tonic and
+my family will be happy in the acquisition of your company, and if
+you are fond of music, my daughter Elizetta can give you a treat.”
+
+“Pish!” cried my uncle, and fidgetted upon his chair, while I assured
+the Doctor I would do myself the pleasure of waiting on him.
+
+“You won’t repent, I dare say,” replied the Doctor, “my daughters are
+devilish nice clever girls; hem! hem! e’ent they, Sir?” addressing my
+uncle, who, instead of replying, set up a ptisicky cough.
+
+The Doctor’s glove was off in a moment, and his Mulatta fingers
+(decked with five mourning rings, which he constantly wore as badges
+of respect, sacred to the merits of his profession) were applied to
+the vibration of my uncle’s pulse.
+
+“Why, you’ll live to be ninety, squire; your pulse possesses the
+vigour of youth; but pray take your cough linctus; I’ll send you
+another pot.”
+
+“I won’t touch it, by G--d; I can’t bear the sight of it. Don’t
+I always tell you, Doctor Tonic, you and I should be much better
+friends, if you would not bore me to death with your medicine. Physic
+the whole parish, and welcome; but you nor any man alive shall physic
+me. Nature gave me the cough, and nature’s like to take it away.”
+
+“Well, well; hem! hem! every man in his humour,” answered the Doctor;
+“I only spoke for your relief,” and his cheek assumed a brickdust
+tinge.
+
+“Why don’t you prescribe your self a glass of Madeira?” said my
+uncle; “fill the Doctor a bumper, nephew.”
+
+I obeyed; the Doctor cocked his _game_ eye at it; clicked his tongue,
+nodded his approbation, sipped again, and then finished it in a slow
+gulph.
+
+“Capital! capital! the best wine I’ve tasted a long time. Hem! hem!
+had some tolerably fair though at the young fox-hunter’s t’other day;
+egad! Sir, we finished fifteen bottles among seven of us. Hem! hem!
+pretty fair dose; had a d--d head-ache next morning; took a little
+hiera picra; got myself all alive again; tough, Sir, tough;” and the
+Doctor began to unbutton his coat, and swell a little. “Wasn’t a
+partaker of the sports of the field, because I was engaged attending
+Lady Faddle’s whitlow; but I do assure you I made up for it over
+the haunch; fat three inches deep, upon my soul, and every mouthful
+flavoured by a glass of claret; and if, by the bye, we should ever be
+fortunate enough to have a _heir_ in the family, the squire swears
+he’ll dress a turtle on the occasion, and have the boy _christened_
+in the _shell_ afterwards. Hah! hah! hah.”
+
+“Come, come, to order, Doctor,” said my uncle; “don’t laugh so loud;
+I ee’nt in the humour to laugh; help yourself to another glass.”
+
+The Doctor didn’t want twice asking, but tossed down another bumper;
+then turning to my uncle, and applying his mouth close to his ear,
+he in an audible whisper exclaimed, “Have you heard Miss P----’s
+adventure with the young officer?”
+
+“Not I;” answered my uncle peevishly; “I never attend to any body’s
+adventures but my own, and that’s quite enough for any man, I’m
+sure.”
+
+“Nay, but my good Sir,” resumed the Doctor, “a man cannot stop his
+ears.”
+
+“But perhaps you could for him,” interrupted my uncle; “for I’m sure
+if you roar as loud to every body as you do to me, you’re enough to
+stun a whole parish.”
+
+“Well, well; hem! hem! I’ll modulate my tone,” continued the Doctor,
+“for I must tell you the news; of course, you know there was a ball
+last night at the Dolphin?” My uncle nodded.
+
+“Well, Sir, Miss P---- was there in her usual style of flirtation,
+and egad! picked up a young officer of dragoons, who happened to be
+a sojourner at the Dolphin, and danced with him the whole evening;
+lost her shoe, fainted away in his arms twice (for the pleasure of
+being restored by his caresses, as every body allowed,) and in short,
+rendered herself extremely ridiculous. Well, Sir, but how did it
+finish?”
+
+“Why how the d----l should I know?” exclaimed my uncle.
+
+“Then, Sir, I’ll just explain. When the ball broke up, it happened
+to be four o’clock in the morning, and of course, the captain could
+do no less than see his fair partner safe home; he had tied his fine
+cambric handkerchief over her head to prevent cold, and just as they
+reached her father’s door, before they rapped; observe you, before
+they attempted to lift the rapper; Sir, my gardener unexpectedly
+crossing an opposite style, espied the Captain in the very act of
+----” Here the Doctor was seized with a sudden tickling in the
+œsophagus; from what cause I could not define.
+
+“Why, the story seems to choak you, Doctor,” said my uncle
+sarcastically; “you had better not explain any farther clap a
+plaister over the sore part.”
+
+“There happens to be no sore part in the case,” replied the Doctor;
+“but as I was observing, the Captain was in the act of----.”
+Again the tickling strangled the remainder of the sentence, which
+so provoked my uncle, whose patience and credibility were alike
+exhausted, that he petulantly exclaimed:
+
+“D---- the act, as you call it, and the cough too; why don’t you take
+some of your specific linctus you recommended me just now?”
+
+Poor Doctor Tonic, after hem! hem! hemming a score times, (every
+volley of which acted as an electric shock on my uncle’s nerves,)
+thus continued, much to the gratification of my curiosity, to know
+what _act_ the Captain and Miss P---- were engaged in, that could
+excite the Doctor’s attention, and so eager repetition, as caused
+him to choak before he could explain it. “Sir,” resumed the Doctor,
+“the action I mean to explain was a _liberty_; yes, Sir, a daring
+open liberty by broad day-light; the very sun shone upon them at the
+moment.”
+
+“What moment?” said my uncle, staring aghast.
+
+“Why, at the very moment, he was kissing her hand, after drawing off
+her glove, which my gardener positively saw him put into his pocket.
+There now, what d’ye think of that? what do you think of that? hey!
+squire, hey?”
+
+“Wheugh!” cried my uncle, setting up a whistle of derision, “if
+that’s the summum-bonum of the story, I am clearly of opinion it’s
+one of your _village fudges_; you’ll excuse me; but in the first
+place, I never _believe_ what I _hear_, and always _doubt_ what I
+_see_.”
+
+“Hem! hem! that’s being incredulous with a vengeance,” retorted the
+Doctor, piqued at the disbelief of his captious auditor; “however,
+what I have asserted is fact; my Daniel can prove it. I had it from
+him.”
+
+“Then give it him back,” said my uncle, “and, hark ye me! tell him
+he’s an old fool to gabble about a pack of boys and girls; if he’d
+been digging in your garden, he’d have been much better employed.
+Now, I warrant you have spread this pretty tale as thick as you would
+the cantharides on a blister. I’ll be bound every child in the parish
+knows it; and so, between physic and scandal, you continue to pick a
+living, by picking others. Don’t be so professional; don’t _probe_
+too close; you understand me.”
+
+The Doctor looked confused, and my uncle poured him out another
+glass, and in half an hour the bottle was finished.
+
+By this time the Doctor’s best eye began to twinkle like a _star_ of
+a _wet night_, and after the ceremony of tea handed round by Geoffry,
+my uncle proposed his favourite game of three-handed cribbage, and
+down we sat, where the poor Doctor was completely eased of carrying
+home the weight of a crown piece, which not a little irritated his
+temper, and a light supper and a bowl of punch sent him reeling home
+at midnight under the protection of Geoffry.
+
+“Now, if he should meet Miss P---- and the Captain,” said my uncle,
+“he won’t discern any liberties, I’ll be bound for him, a foolish
+old dolt. The man has his virtues, I don’t dispute, and he has his
+vices; in short, he is a complete _country apothecary_, who knows
+every thing, and makes much ado about nothing; but you shall accept
+his invitation, and be introduced to his family; you know what he has
+said of his daughters;” and my uncle smiled for the first time I had
+seen his muscles inclined to relax.
+
+“And what do you say of them?” said I.
+
+“I say nothing; I leave every one to judge for themselves,” replied
+my uncle; “but come, the hour is late; the female servants are gone
+to rest, and as soon as Geoffry returns, I will shew you your bed
+room; for you must know I see all the candles out before I retire;
+but you shall have my light to undress by, and then I’ll fetch it
+away myself.”
+
+Geoffry now returned, and after the usual ceremony of fastening the
+hall door, wished his master good night, and decamped to bed.
+
+My uncle now began his usual round of inspecting every room in the
+house, to see no particle of fire remained alight, and I was deputed
+to carry the two candles, (one lighted and the other unlighted,) and
+stood centinel outside every door, that, as Paddy says, he might have
+a _clear view_ in the dark.
+
+We had examined six apartments in this style, when most
+unfortunately, in shutting the door of the drawing room, the wind
+extinguished the candle, and left us as motionless as two Egyptian
+mummies.
+
+My uncle vociferated a volley of execrations, while I proposed
+calling the servant to strike a light; but my uncle peremptorily
+refused, and said they were all snoring long ago, and should not be
+disturbed.
+
+“Keep to the right hand, and take hold of my arm,” continued my
+uncle; “we must find our way up as well as we can; I’ll conduct you
+to your chamber, and you must tumble into bed, and thank yourself
+only for the inconvenience you have suffered.”
+
+“Do let me call Geoffry, Sir?”
+
+“No, Sir, I tell you once more you shall _not_ call Geoffry; so come
+along.”
+
+“But suppose you should fall, Sir,” continued I.
+
+“Why, then you must pick me up again. Why suppose things that may
+never happen? None but fools ever trouble themselves to _suppose_; a
+wise man scorns an idea so incongruous to reason.”
+
+By this time we had groped our way to the hall clock, the exact
+contrary direction to what we ought to have taken.
+
+“Zounds!” exclaimed my uncle, “we’re all wrong; we must face about to
+the left. I’ve hit my elbow a confounded blow.”
+
+“I was afraid you would, Sir,” replied I; “I’d give a guinea for a
+light. I hope you haven’t hurt yourself.”
+
+“What if I have?” answered my uncle snappishly; “you’re the cause of
+it.”
+
+Thus squabbling, stumbling, and poking about, at length my uncle
+found the door of my chamber, and with outstretched hands twirling in
+pugilistic attitudes, we caught hold of the bed curtain.
+
+“We’re landed at last,” cried my uncle, “and you must now shift for
+yourself. My room joins this; therefore, we are now safe; scramble
+into bed as well as you can, and I’ll do the same.”
+
+A reciprocal “good night,” “good night,” ended our dark perplexity,
+and glad was I the day had finished, and put an end to my troubles.
+
+
+
+
+CHAP. IV.
+
+
+The next morning I was up with the larks, and down in the garden;
+for, as I understood my uncle never rose early, I determined to
+improve the moment, and try if I could not assist Geoffry in
+replacing the espalier, which, with my assistance and his dexterity,
+we soon accomplished so as to preclude discovery; and thankful was
+I to Geoffry for his ingenuity on that subject, and also the broken
+pane, for which I rewarded him with a crown, and we were reciprocally
+pleased.
+
+I then returned to the house, where I amused myself with a volume of
+Petrarch for above an hour, till the hobbling footstep of my uncle
+sounding on the stairs, made me close the book, and offer him the
+salutation of the morning.
+
+“How have you slept, Sir?” said I.
+
+“Never worse; I’ve been pinched to pieces with the cramp.”
+
+I expressed my sorrow at the intelligence, but no soft reply seemed
+to palliate my aukwardness or seal my pardon; for he looked as cross
+as a cat in a passion, when her ears lay horizontal, and she spits at
+her enemy most ungracious.
+
+Breakfast was immediately served, and my uncle mumped his French
+roll still sullen; I ventured to start several subjects, but none
+agreed with his humour; for his only reply was a laconic snap of
+“like enough;” “may be so;” “should not wonder;” expressions which,
+in my opinion, always tend to quash a subject, but never offer an
+encouragement.
+
+The breakfast equipage had not been removed five minutes before
+Doctor Tonic presented himself at the gate.
+
+“Here comes old Dose-um with some fresh species of scandal,” said my
+uncle; “I just wish he was an hundred miles off; for I’m not in the
+humour to listen to his gabble.”
+
+The Doctor made his entrée as usual, hem--hemming, winking,
+sniffling, bowing, and how-d’ye-doing, then slapping me on the
+shoulder, “you’re a sad chap, Mr. Victor; you filled my glass too
+often; got a wretched head-ach this morning. Hem! hem! don’t know
+how I got home. Mrs. Tonic read me a pretty curtain lecture, I
+assure you. Hem! hem! I just called to say we shall be glad of your
+company to meet a little party to-morrow; dinner on table at three
+precisely; village hours to be sure; but we medical men must make our
+meals conform to our engagements; we’ll make you heartily welcome;
+my house is liberty hall. A-propos! I must introduce you to my sons,
+two clever dogs! fine fellows; Tonics to the back bone; chips! family
+chips! Sir, yes, yes, they’ve feathered their nests well, I promise
+you; let my son Bob alone for a _marksman_; got a nice girl for his
+wife and plenty of the needful; a _Broomfield_ one stick and stiver,
+tight little heiress; no bad catch, hey?”
+
+“A very happy man, Sir, no doubt,” said I.
+
+“Aye, happy as a lark! Prosperous profession; d--d clever dog! be a
+physician very shortly. Yes, yes, the Tonics are the family to get
+cash; why now there’s my second son, Dick, what has he done for
+himself? Married a ten-thousand pounder; there’s luck for you! But
+then, he’s a sharp shrewd fellow; wit and ability at his finger’s
+end! In short, he’s a Tonic, and I should not wonder if my girls were
+to be as fortunate in a pair of coronets. Who knows what may happen?”
+
+The Doctor now drew his watch; “Heyday! I’ve exceeded my time; my
+horse is waiting,” continued the Doctor. “Good morning, gentlemen;
+you’ll pilot your nephew, squire; beef and bottle at three,
+remember;” and in a censequentia full trot he left the room, crossed
+the hall, and swung his tail out of the gate in a twinkling.
+
+“The Doctor,” said I, “seems brim full of family consequence; he
+seemed determined to let me know what company I was going to be
+introduced to.”
+
+“The Doctor don’t want for pride,” replied my uncle; “it’s an
+hereditary legacy that devolved from his family, with the addition
+of a disorder called the _horse mania_, with which they were all
+individually afflicted; for so long as the Doctor could but ride, it
+was all he cared about; racing, trotting matches, or hunting, he was
+always cock of the game; but as he advanced in years, the infection
+abated; and the Doctor now contents himself with a knife and fork
+and a bottle at any table in the parish; but come, boy, let us equip
+ourselves for a ramble round the village, and I’ll introduce you to
+some of my neighbours.”
+
+My uncle now dashed off his red night-cap, and retired with Geoffry
+to his dressing-room, while I sprucified myself to encounter the
+killing eyes of Miss Elizetta Tonic and all the village belles, who
+were no doubt bent upon quizzing the young cockney; but as my heart
+was extremely independent and perfectly in my own keeping, I sallied
+forth like a second _Achilles_, invulnerable, as I thought, at all
+points.
+
+No sooner was my uncle dressed, than he dispatched old Geoffry with
+the turbot as a present to the rector, adding his compliments, and
+he should call on him in the course of the morning; but before we
+attempt to start for our peregrination, I must give you the portrait
+of my uncle just emerged from the duties of his dressing closet.
+
+He was habited in an apple green coat, an embroidered waistcoat,
+black satin inexpressibles, fastened at the knees by gold buckles,
+a pair of which, in a quadrangular form, graced his shoes; his
+ancestorial cane was ornamented with three gold enamelled sliders,
+surmounted by an amber head, the centre of which was adorned by a
+superb ruby, and was the terrific talisman of every crying child and
+dog in the village; a small low-crowned hat, (whose rim partook of no
+shape either round, three-cornered, or square, but something in the
+similitude of a warped oval pye dish,) bound with a narrow gold lace,
+was squeezed on over a full powdered tye wig, to which was attached
+a small bag, which positively rendered him a complete Bond-street
+caricature in the semblance of some famous tooth-drawer, while, as I
+contemplated his figure, I blessed my stars that I was not compelled
+to sport such a companion in the public walks of London; for in fact
+I felt such strong sensations of risibility influencing every muscle,
+that I dared not look him in the face for several minutes, till I
+had conquered the troublesome convulsion of an inward chuckle.
+
+At length off we marched arm in arm, but as usual, I walked too fast;
+I sprung like a doe; I scampered like a penny postman; I walked like
+the motion of a sedan chair, because from the length of my step I
+heaved my body in such a violent manner that my uncle declared I
+lifted him off the ground at every jerk. I begged pardon (concluding
+my perplexities were again beginning, and mortified that at the
+age of twenty-four I should not know the proper use of my legs,
+without my uncle’s back-string as a check,) and of course willing to
+endeavour to please, I slackened my pace, and we proceeded towards a
+handsome red brick house, which my uncle pronounced to belong to Mr.
+Prolix, the village lawyer, with whom having trifling business, we
+called to adjust, and were introduced by young _Penna-Polygraph_, the
+smirk engrossing clerk, into a sort of cat-swing office, crammed with
+all the quill and parchment treasures of the owner, who was counting
+over six and eight-pence from the hands of a poor peasant for a
+threatening letter, _three halfpence_ of which he refused taking,
+declaring them bad, “according to law;” but our unexpected appearance
+settled the difficulty in one moment, and the poor client was ordered
+to withdraw, while Mr. Prolix silently pocketed the fee without demur.
+
+My uncle, in his usual unceremonious way, abruptly introduced me, and
+Mr. Prolix in return bowed with stately consequence: he was a tall
+lusty man, of swarthy complexion, a short pug nose turned up close
+between his eyes, and stuck in the cavity of a pair of cheeks that
+gave him the appearance of a brown cherubim, such as I have seen
+carved in oak over the altar piece of a country church; he begged us
+to be seated, (probably that we might take up _less_ room,) and after
+a few minutes conference on matters that did not concern me, we arose
+to take our departure.
+
+“You’ll take a glass of bounce this morning, good Sir?” said Mr.
+Prolix addressing my uncle with a low query countenance, mingled with
+the hopes of a negative.
+
+“When did you ever know me do such a thing?” replied my uncle;
+“No, no, I’ve no opinion of your morning dram drinkers; excuse me,
+but it’s no compliment; it’s a mere insult to nature; keep your
+bounce, Master Prolix, it sha’nt bounce me. Your servant, your
+servant. How’s Mrs. Prolix and the young “cherubim and seraphims,”
+for methinks, “they continually do cry,” whenever I come into the
+house; aye, there’s your nursery peal commencing; good morning! good
+morning!”
+
+Mr. Prolix, whose bronze cheek mantled with a tincture of
+indignation, made no reply, but with a sullen bow conducted us to the
+door, and on we marched.
+
+“Why, you touched the lawyer pretty sharp, Sir,” said I, as we walked
+on.
+
+“Yes, I _bounced_ at him, sure enough; he knew he could not affront
+me more, though he has repeated the question fifty times. I hope
+I have now shamed him out of it; a glass of liquor may do to
+_bamboozle_ the wits of a _clodhopper_, but he forgets who he’s
+dealing with when he talks to me.”
+
+“Is he clever in the profession?” asked I.
+
+“Oh, yes, he’s a tight hand at a _will_; for instance, he can
+entangle a major and minor legacy with the dexterity of a spider, and
+like Harlequin, transform an old woman’s _plum cake bequest_ into a
+chancery mess of _law pottage_, by bringing the _infant’s_ noble to
+nine-pence; and the _adult’s_ nine-pence to _nothing_; so much for
+_law_, equity out of the question; zounds, I hate lawyers as I hate
+the----”
+
+My uncle had scarce finished his ejaculation, when the rector came in
+sight, and we improved our pace to greet him. “Here comes one of the
+best men living,” said my uncle, and in a moment their hands joined
+in reciprocal union.
+
+“The Reverend Dr. Markwell,” said my uncle, introducing the venerable
+divine; “my nephew, Victor, good Doctor, whom you’ve so often heard
+me mention as an unruly dog of a school boy, but I believe he can
+hold a Latin confab with your reverence in tolerable style.”
+
+Doctor Markwell, the express image of benignity in form and feature,
+pressed my hand in the most friendly manner, and assured me he
+augured much pleasure in the prospect of my society, and concluded by
+observing his library was at my service during my residence in the
+country, which he hoped I should avail myself of whenever agreeable;
+“and to-morrow,” added the worthy man, “I shall have an acquisition
+to my family by the arrival of a young lady, who is placed by her
+guardian under my care, during his absence on a foreign tour. Mrs.
+Markwell is delighted with the idea, and we shall be happy to add
+your company to our society.”
+
+I thanked him for his proffered civility, assured him I would avail
+myself of the privilege he so kindly gave me, and hoped I should not
+be an intruder.
+
+“The boy’s full of compliments,” said my uncle, “but do me the favour
+when you go home, to drink his health over a turbot you’ll find
+awaiting your appetite, and if it proves good, give him credit as the
+donor. Good bye? we have a few calls to make, and your time may be
+precious; We’ll look in upon you to-morrow.”
+
+Doctor Markwell now pursued his walk, and we ours, till we came
+within view of Lady Lustre’s villa.
+
+
+
+
+CHAP. V.
+
+
+My uncle paused at the gate to gain a little breath, as the road
+lay on the acclivity. “And here,” said he, “I shall introduce you
+to a most amiable woman, the pride of the village, the patroness of
+suffering virtue; the real and sincere friend, who deserts not in
+the hour of indigence, nor fallaciously courts you in the day of
+affluence. Universally beloved by every class of society, Lady Lustre
+rises the pattern of excellence to her sex in general.”
+
+My uncle rang at the gate, but was informed by the butler her
+ladyship was just gone out in the carriage to take an airing; we
+therefore merely left our card, and proceeded onwards, till in
+crossing through a small meadow, a dashing young man moved his hat to
+my uncle, who returned the salute; but neither spoke.
+
+“Who is that gentleman, Sir?” asked I.
+
+“A young tradesman in the town, the unexpected inheritor of a
+handsome fortune, left him by a rich old woman in the moment of
+caprice, who, if she had studied her duty to her _real heir_ a little
+_more_, and her brandy bottle a little _less_, would not have left
+a stain on her memory, from the _false promises_ she evinced, and
+the disappointments she entailed by her perfidious fallacy; for she
+was nothing less than a composition of deceit and avarice; the tear
+of the poor never bedewed her grave, and if ever one dropped from
+the eye of this said young Windfall, whom we have just passed, it
+must have been the tear of _joy_ at his _unexpected acquisition_; in
+consequence of which, he soon after brushed up his old ramshackle
+house, and held up his head with as much ostentation as any petty
+King; came up to London, and married a Miss Sterling.”
+
+“He’s a very fortunate young man,” said I.
+
+“He is, thanks to God and good luck,” replied my uncle; “but I knew
+him the height of my chair, when he used to be at the old woman’s
+house, fetching her snuff-box, carrying her work-basket, handing
+the toast plate, and, in short, performing all the various duties
+that children are required in the capacity of a little _dependent_
+visitor, for which he was rewarded with a penny apple pye every
+market day out of the old woman’s pocket, little dreaming at that
+time of becoming the _Broomfield sweeper_ of her old bureau, from
+which sanctorum a mouldy half guinea had been occasionally drawn with
+much pomp once a year as a present to her _only heir_ and _namesake_,
+under the assurance that it was the earnest of _future_ favours,
+which at her demise was to constitute “_something very handsome_,”
+which something amounted to a few old furrows, stacks, and barns,
+which not being exactly convenient to take with her, and well knowing
+him the _hereditary heir_, she did him the honour to tie up for
+life in the _immense sum_ of fifty pounds per annum, subject at the
+decease of him and his heirs, to revert to the said Mr. Windfall,
+whom she nominated trustee of this splendid bequest, much to the
+surprize of the whole village, who had heard her subtle promises,
+and repeatedly congratulated the young heir apparent, who, as the
+last of the family, and son of her favourite (but equally misled)
+nephew, had an undoubted claim both on her _conscience_, honour, and
+gratitude, had she possessed either. Such was the woman, for I knew
+her well; and such the characters we are doomed to meet with in the
+world! Aye, Victor, my boy, those lessons of experience are very
+painful tasks to learn, but they bear a great moral.”
+
+“It is indeed, Sir,” replied I, “a great pity that our follies should
+stamp a blot on the tablet of that memory which should most revere
+our virtues; but so it often happens, through some idle caprice of
+the moment, or _insinuating artifice of subordinate foes_.”
+
+My uncle grated his cane along the sandy road in deep rumination
+for at least twenty yards; then suddenly pausing, and striking it
+vehemently on the ground, exclaimed, “I have this moment fixed upon
+my heir, but I shall leave him an _Irish_ legacy.”
+
+“I don’t exactly comprehend your meaning, Sir,” replied I.
+
+“Why, Sir,” resumed my uncle, “I mean to give it him in my life time,
+that I may have the pleasure of seeing how he prospers; if he makes
+ducks and drakes of it, I shall know better how to dispose of the
+remaining crumbs; if he proves what my hopes and wishes should have,
+I shall die in peace, with the glorious satisfaction of knowing I
+have promoted his happiness, and rewarded his virtues by the comforts
+of prosperity, improved by his own diligence and prudence.”
+
+I don’t know how it was, but I heaved an involuntary sigh, an
+interested one it certainly was, for my uncle had drawn such a
+picture, that I wished it my own portrait; but alas! I well knew
+I had little chance of success; and yet his momentary ejaculation
+puzzled me. A few minutes more brought us to the post office, where
+my uncle procured a shillings-worth of halfpence; “because,” said
+he, “whenever I go through the village, I pay toll to every child I
+see with a clean face, by which means, (as my rambles are extremely
+uncertain in their period,) there’s scarce ever a smutty infantine
+face in the parish, as you will presently see.”
+
+The post-master smiled, and observed, that the appearance of my uncle
+always spread such a contagion of emulative cleanliness through the
+village, that in two minutes after the first little pair of eyes
+espied him, every pump was in requisition; and so it proved; for
+we soon after met above twenty just returned from school, at all of
+whom my uncle scowled his eye-brows with a half-suppressed smile, as
+he dropped the expected halfpenny to each, one boy excepted, whom
+my uncle pinched by the ear, exclaiming, “you’re a slovenly rogue;
+you’ve not got a copper face.”
+
+The boy stared, and mechanically stroking his chin, as if to feel its
+composition; “I’m sure I’se got a feace,” said he.
+
+“Yes,” returned my uncle, “you have got a rare _dirty face_,” then
+shaking his cane at him, “go along home, you nasty fellow; there’s no
+halfpenny for you.”
+
+The disappointed boy sneaked off with slow and sullen pace, hoping,
+as he leered over his shoulder, to be called back; but he was
+mistaken. My uncle never broke his word, by which means his advice or
+punishments were both effective.
+
+
+
+
+CHAP. VI.
+
+
+We had not proceeded far before we met the carriage of Lady Lustre,
+who would take no denial to our getting in and returning home with
+her, which politeness compelled us to do, and in a few minutes we
+found ourselves seated in her hospitable mansion, where a salver of
+fruit, sandwiches, and negus was placed before us.
+
+The urbanity of her manners, the sensibility of her conversation, the
+engaging gentility of her address, all bespoke Lady Lustre the woman
+of education; and though now in her grand climacterick, her company
+was as fascinating as in the days of her youth; no uncouth county
+dialect, no garrulity marked her conversation; she had been bred
+in the school of gentility, of which she was still head pupil, and
+never was a more agreeable hour than we passed in her society; she
+had selected a little museum of natural and Asiatic curiosities, in
+which her taste was eminently displayed, and afforded to a lover of
+antiquity great amusement; we were also treated with the inspection
+of a pearl cabinet, richly ornamented with superb oriental china,
+which, with a pair of magnificent globes, a choice library of the
+most valuable authors, and collection of pictures from the most
+celebrated pencils, with a portfolio of proof engravings, constituted
+the amusement of the visitor, and displayed the genuine taste of the
+owner.
+
+My uncle observed her Ladyship had made a very short ride.
+
+“I have,” replied she, “but I shall extend it bye and bye, for to say
+the truth, I went to call on one of my cottage pensioners, whom I
+found in the straw, something downcast at the arrival of two little
+strangers instead of one, as she is already the mother of five; and
+it is to order some caudle, a few requisites, and some broth for the
+children, that I have hastened back; but I shall call again in the
+evening, and I hope to find her in better spirits.”
+
+I saw a tear of feeling start in my uncle’s eye, and slipping a
+guinea into the hand of Lady Lustre, he entreated she would give it
+to the cottager. Her Ladyship seemed highly pleased, and wishing her
+good morning, we returned home, as my uncle seemed to feel himself
+rather fatigued.
+
+The ceremony of dinner passed over happily for me, without any more
+blunders on my part; the conversation of my uncle (whose peevish
+humour seemed to relax,) grew more pleasant; and he would I believe
+have given me the promised detail of his sorrows, if another visit
+from Doctor Tonic had not interrupted him.
+
+“D’ye want a hand at a game of crib?” asked the Doctor popping in his
+head, with one eye directed _east_ and the other _west_.
+
+“If you are come to take your crown revenge,” said my uncle, “sit
+down, and well accept your challenge.”
+
+“Hem! hem! I’m in a lazy humour to-night, fit for nothing; just
+called in at the manor, and egad! nothing would serve the squire but
+a fresh bottle of port, which was so prime that somehow the butler
+had drawn a second cork before I was aware of it. Sad dog that young
+squire! had a design upon me, I do believe. Ecod, Sir, I had great
+difficulty to find the park gate, but I’ve been home, taken a few
+antidotal drops, and had a sound nap in my elbow chair; and now I’m
+just the thing for a chat or a rubber.”
+
+“And if any body meets with an accident, and requires your
+assistance?” said my uncle.
+
+“Why then I’m engaged with a _patient_, and my son Bob must
+officiate. Hem! hem! Why, if I was to gallop after every patient’s
+whims, I might ride twenty miles after a cut finger or a chilblain.
+No, no, always send Bob to the fanciful squad. How d’ye think now I
+was served the night before last? A servant rapped at the door about
+eleven o’clock, just as we had retired to rest, and requested my
+immediate attendance on his mistress Lady Flam, up at the Grove,
+about a mile and half off.
+
+“Much vexed at being disturbed, and my son Bob having had a hard
+day’s fatigue, I enquired what was her Ladyship’s complaint. He
+replied, “he did not know; but I must follow him immediately, and if
+I pleased, take his horse instead of waiting for my own.”
+
+Thinking the exigence was great, and Lady Flam being one of my best
+patients, (though by the bye a d--d whimsical one,) I hastily huddled
+on my clothes, and jumping on the servant’s horse, left him to walk
+back, and gallopped off at full speed. Well, Sir, the door flew open,
+and Lady Flam met me in the hall, dissolved in tears.
+
+“My good lady,” cried I, “what’s the matter?”
+
+“Oh, Doctor, I’m sorry to give you so much trouble, but knowing your
+skill and humanity, do look at my poor dear little Sylvio, (the pug
+dog) who has been in fits these two hours, and prescribe something to
+restore him.”
+
+“And is _that all_ your grievance, Madam?” replied I, bursting with
+passion; “God bless my heart, I’m no dog doctor; throw a bason of
+water over him, by all means.”
+
+“Not for the world!” says her ladyship; “it would give the dear
+creature his death with cold.”
+
+“Not more so, Madam, than calling a Christian from a warm bed into
+the damp midnight air; but really, Madam, as I never studied canine
+maladies, it is out of my power to prescribe; my rest is very
+essential to me, and if you will leave the dog to nature, you’ll find
+her an abler physician than I am. I wish your ladyship good night,
+and request you’ll let your servant fetch back the horse in the
+morning.”
+
+“Good God! how cruel! how inhuman! I could not have believed it;”
+exclaimed her ladyship, as I closed the door; and when the servant
+came to fetch the horse back, he informed me the dog was dead, and
+his Lady desired I would make out my account, and send it in. There’s
+a pretty job; I must have a consultation with her to-morrow morning;
+it won’t do to lose a patient through the casualties of a d--d pug
+dog.
+
+“I wonder you hadn’t contrived to make a _customer_ of the animal,”
+replied my uncle laughingly.
+
+“Oh, curse the dog! I saw he was dying, or else I would have sent in
+a few bottles to repay my trouble. Egad, if she cuts with me, I shall
+repeat the story to everybody, to exonerate my credit; and, depend
+upon it, I’ll christen her Lady _Fitz-Pug_! Ha, ha, ha! that’s no bad
+one! Is it, Mr. Victor? Yes, I will, I will, by G--d!”
+
+“Have a care, Doctor,” said my uncle; “the women a’n’t to be duped
+at all times; it is not every one that submits to calumny and insult
+with impunity; a fair reputation and a clear conscience is a fortune
+to any man, and the most essential passport of life.”
+
+“Hem, hem!” cried the Doctor, who did not seem to relish my uncle’s
+bolus so well as his own _Album Græcums_; “we have all our faults, to
+be sure.”
+
+“True,” replied my uncle; “but how often do we acknowledge or amend
+them? The beam and the mote, Doctor, hey!”
+
+“Have you heard,” continued the Doctor, “of the new inmate Dr.
+Markwell expects to-morrow? Why, I understand she’s the most
+beautiful, accomplished girl, that ever was seen; and as for weight,
+there’s no want of metal, I’m told: should not care if I’d got a few
+more sons to strike up to such a prize: sense, beauty, and money;
+three phœnixes, by God! What say you, Mr. Victor?”
+
+I replied, I could not possibly judge till I had seen the young lady.
+
+“Aye, but I shall see her the first of any man in the village, I’ll
+bet a bottle.”
+
+“May-be you’ll wait at the rectory door till her arrival,” observed
+my uncle. “I’ll tell you what, Tonic; you ought to have a pension
+voted you by the parish, for you are the village chronicle; you know
+everybody’s concerns, but few know yours, unless they speak for
+_themselves_.”
+
+“That’s the beauty of it,” said the Doctor, screwing up his funny
+eye. “Hear, see, and say nothing.”
+
+“Say nothing of your _own_ affairs,” rejoined my uncle; “for I’m sure
+you hear and say enough of other people’s; so you break the adage,
+and yet pretend you abide by it. And, pray now, don’t you know who
+this said Miss Phœnix is? her birth, parentage, and education--life,
+character, and behaviour--eh! Doctor?”
+
+“No; I can’t find out the particulars yet; but I know she’s an
+orphan.”
+
+“Poor girl!” ejaculated my uncle; “then it’s well for her she has
+property, otherwise she’d meet little respect in _this_ village;
+and as to getting a husband, our young men are _proverbial_ for
+marrying girls of fortune, with as little pretension either from
+_merit_, _person_, or _equality_, as a beggar has to a coronet.
+No disparagement to _your sons_, Doctor; but, upon my soul, what
+with their _interested_ motives of union, and their _unconquerable_
+attachment to drinking, they may literally be styled ‘_The lads of
+the bag and bottle._’”
+
+“Ha, ha, ha!” cried the Doctor; “it’s a good joke, a good joke! the
+best I’ve heard a long time! Hem, hem!”
+
+“It’s a truism, however,” cried my uncle, “which you have my
+permission to repeat: I never say any thing I am ashamed of; so that
+every garrulous old woman in the vicinity may repeat it with as
+many embellishments as she pleases. A fig for scandal; I hate all
+tale-bearers.”
+
+“So do I,” said the Doctor, pulling up his frill, and rubbing his
+brown _spuds_ together: “they are a dangerous set of people; very
+much so, indeed. No man alive loves a bit of news better than _I_ do;
+but I detest you _fudgers_. Truth, sir, the naked truth, for Timothy
+Tonic. A-propos! pray, have you heard of a certain great man being
+gone to London this morning, upon an _unpleasant embarrassment_: in
+fact, I saw him get into the coach myself: I wished him a pleasant
+journey; and, with a very grave face, he answered me, “he much
+_doubted_ it would prove so.” Of course, I immediately _guessed_ how
+matters stood.”
+
+“Then you’ve only _guessed_ at it,” replied my uncle; “you
+_suppose_--you _imagine_--you _think_--you have an _idea_, on which
+collective fabric of visions you build your assertion, without the
+slightest foundation.”
+
+“Aye, but I have my _suspicions_,” answered the Doctor.
+
+“Pshaw,” retorted my uncle; “suspicion is the vilest imp of hell,
+worse than all the hellebore, aquafortis, and hemloch, in your
+shop: it’s the strongest poison upon earth. What! you a Doctor, and
+not know how to eradicate such a complaint; unless, indeed, it’s
+_constitutional_.”
+
+“Let’s have a rub,” exclaimed the Doctor; and thus the controversy
+ended; though, in my opinion, the man of medicine had received a very
+good _rub_, from my uncle’s incontrovertible truisms: and down to
+cribbage we sat; where, in about two hours, the Doctor lost fourteen
+six-penny games, and betted as many shillings with me on his own
+_superior_ play, for he was reckoned the _best cribbage-player_
+in the village; but Fortune, being in a fickle mood, gave us the
+advantage of her favours, and sent the poor Doctor home, a second
+time, the picture of ill luck and vexation.
+
+
+
+
+CHAP. VII.
+
+
+The next morning a new visitor made his appearance, to give my uncle
+and self a very polite invitation to tea and supper the next evening.
+He was a comely, good-looking man; well-meaning, but no pupil of
+Chesterfield. Honest and hospitable, he had risen in the world from
+very low extraction; but, by diligent industry, had collected a
+comfortable competence, in a line of business in which he styled
+himself a _hair-contractor_; that is to say, in the more vulgar
+acceptation of the word, his profession was that of a _hair-dresser_;
+and he _contracted only_ with hot curling-irons, frizzing-combs, and
+scissors. But, as he had now retired from business, it mattered not
+what he _had_ been; and my uncle, who esteemed him as a good kind of
+harmless being, indulged him generally with a visit every Christmas:
+but having heard of my arrival, he had paid his earliest respects, to
+request the _honour_ of my company, and introduction to his family.
+
+My uncle accepted the invitation; and after a few “So says he” and
+“So says I,” observations on the weather, the price of provision, and
+various other topics, too insignificant to detail, Mr. Macfriz took
+his departure.
+
+“I want to shew you men and manners, Victor,” said my uncle, as
+he closed the door; “for which reason, I shall accept all the
+invitations I receive. We’ve a variety of curious characters in our
+village, I promise you; and I don’t doubt but we shall meet a rare
+party at the Doctor’s. Arm yourself at all points, both for conquest,
+or resistance.”
+
+I assured him I entertained no fears of captivation, as I had not yet
+seen the woman to whom I could devote my heart.
+
+“Aye, boy,” exclaimed my uncle, shaking his head, and sighing deeply,
+“you never saw Cecilia Delmond. But why does memory revert to past
+affliction? Amuse yourself, my dear boy, for half an hour, while I
+retire to my study.”
+
+I assured him I should employ the passing interval in writing to
+London. The word London vibrated on his ear, and he re-opened the
+door. “Add my kind love to my sister, and thanks to your father for
+his present; and, d’ye mind me, Victor, tell them not to expect you
+home till I’m _tired_ of your company.”
+
+Oh, oh! thought I, these are hopeful symptoms of my becoming a
+favourite, if my uncle’s humour does not change.
+
+It may now be necessary to inform the reader, that my name is
+not Victor Tweazy, as many people might imagine, but “Victor St.
+Alban,” my mother being own sister to my uncle, who never cordially
+approved of her alliance with my father, because they differed in
+political opinions; though my mother so far prevailed over my uncle’s
+animosity, as to persuade him to stand godfather to me, having lost
+three successive sons, and I, of course, being the rarity of the
+family; in consequence of which, he chose to give me the name of
+Victor, though he never would assign any reason for so doing: and
+whether my infantile prattle pleased him, or what attractive charm
+I possessed, I know not; but I always obtained from him some token
+of encouragement as a schoolboy; and the emulative pleasure of being
+styled “a bright lad,” “a sharp little dog,” and such-like epithets
+(all which served as a stimulus to my learning), always rendered me
+more attentive to my uncle than the rest of my family: but having
+gone from school almost immediately to college, where I remained till
+I came of age, I had not been in the habit of seeing him for several
+years; and my father always stigmatising him by the character of “a
+_crusty old churl_,” “an _eccentric misanthropical being_,” I had
+never before troubled myself upon the subject of seeking his favours,
+or courting his company; till at length, by some _instinctive
+impulse_ of _fate_ or _fortune_, I determined venturing the trial of
+a visit; and unfortunately finding him in a most peevish humour, and
+my star of perplexity happening to reign pre-eminent at that moment,
+our meeting seemed destined to be viewed through the jaundiced eye
+of reciprocal prejudice; though, in the ultimate, it proved only a
+junction of mere common occurrences, which my uncle seemed totally
+to have forgotten, and we were the best friends imaginable; the only
+difficulty remaining was to keep so; a point I flattered myself I
+could easily accomplish, by a little attention to his pleasures,
+and subordination to his wishes; the attainment of which would cost
+me nothing but the government of my own temper, by which I should
+receive, in fact, essential benefit.
+
+I was just folding my letter when my uncle entered the room,
+exclaiming, “Well, boy, how d’ye come on?”
+
+“I have finished, Sir,” replied I.
+
+“Indeed!” answered my uncle. “Why, surely, yours must be the pen of a
+ready writer, or you have popped them off with a bob-short.”
+
+“I, in general, write very expeditious,” said I.
+
+“There’s no merit in that, except you were bred a short-hand writer,”
+replied my uncle; “though it is not exactly writing that captivates
+me; I attend only to the orthography; I can readily excuse a rough
+hand but to read a letter from the pen of a fool is agony.”
+
+“Very true,” replied I; “but surely orthography, like oratory, is a
+peculiar gift.”
+
+“It may, in some sense,” rejoined my uncle; “but a proper attention
+to the system of education, subjoined to natural ability, is surely
+very essential. I know, for instance, a young lady, whose vanity
+flattered her she possessed abilities equal to the instruction of
+private pupils, in which capacity she had been engaged several
+years; when one day I accidentally pointed out to her notice a
+most beautifully expressive passage in a play of Shakespear, she
+negligently, in her flirting way, threw the book aside, declaring,
+“she detested blank verse, for, to say the truth, she could neither
+_read_ it properly, nor _comprehend_ it at all.” “And thou art a
+_governess_,” said I to myself, as in disgust I snatched it from
+the table; while, fantastically drawing a comb from her pocket,
+she placed herself before the glass, and flirted it through her
+hair, which, with all imaginable vanity, she braided and twisted
+into due form, then, drawing her chair to an inch in full view of
+her imagined charms, threw her listless form into a fashionable
+sprawl before the mirror, where the constant direction of her eye
+was always fixed, denoting the weakness of her untutored mind. Such
+was the _instructress_ of _arrogance_ and _folly_, the only science
+she had ever studied, or required perfection in, as her abilities
+never empowered her, with the art of instruction, superior to the
+common _abecedarian_; but while she could hold up her head, read a
+_little_, write a _little_, and dance a little, she _fancied_ herself
+a _governess_ equal to any establishment; though, as to any or all
+of the fine arts, she was a most perfect stranger, except that of
+_vanity_, in which she was an eminent proficient; and happy the pupil
+who escaped such instruction.”
+
+
+
+
+CHAP. VIII.
+
+
+At this moment a whiskey stopped at the gate, and a servant presented
+a card of polite inquiry from Mr. and Mrs. Henpeck, the latter
+of whom had taken the reins from a little snuffy ruby nosed man,
+of crimson countenance; and my uncle, putting on his gold-laced
+nondescript hat, went out to speak to them, requesting me to follow
+him.
+
+After a score of “how-d’ye-does,” and shaking hands so violently, I
+thought they’d have either pulled my uncle into the chaise, or he
+pulled the little man out, “Is _that there_ gentleman your _nevee_,
+Mr. Tweazy?” said the lady, screwing up her eyes, and confidently
+peering in my face.
+
+“Yes, that’s Victor St. Alban, sure enough,” replied my uncle.
+
+“Sir,” continued the lady, dragging up her yellow colloppy throat
+with an extra stretch, “I shall be proud to see you at my house. Mr.
+Henpeck, my love, why don’t you tell the gentleman so: any friend of
+Mr. Tweazy _must_ be agreeable to _you_, while they are so to _me_.”
+
+“I was just going to ask the gentleman’s company,” answered the man,
+whom necessity compelled to like every thing his wife did: “I’m sure
+I shall be very happy to entertain him the best in my power.”
+
+“_Our_ power, my lovey, you mean: recollect, you’re not a
+_bachelor_ now; and therefore, Mr. Henpeck, my dear, you should say
+_we_,”--replied Madam Xantippe.
+
+“I stand corrected, my dear,” answered her supple slave.
+
+“No, you don’t,” cried my uncle; “you _sit_ corrected: so, take my
+advice; alight a few minutes, and take a walk round my garden; I want
+to shew you my melon bed, and give you a little fruit.”
+
+Mr. Henpeck cast a wistful look at his rib for her _kind permission_;
+who instantly answered, “He must not touch fruit for the world, nor
+walk upon the grass for fear of cold; for Doctor Tonic had ordered
+him a peculiar _regiment_; and therefore, as _his wife_ and _nurse_,
+she could not _suffer_ him to get out of the chaise.”
+
+“Well, well! my love, I’ll do just as you _please_, deary.”
+
+“Aye, to be sure,” said Mrs. Henpeck: then drawing up her reins, she
+wished us good-morning; observing, she should send us a card in the
+evening; and flogging up the old horse, who seemed as compliant to
+her lash as his master, they were soon out of sight.
+
+“Heavens protect me,” exclaimed my uncle. “See what you’re to come
+to; prepare for Master Hymen’s trammels. Poor Henpeck! I wish to God
+I could inspire him with a proper portion of spirit to counteract the
+tyranny of his despotic wife: he’s a man of very genteel property,
+and very clever in his business; and might have died, as he lived,
+a happy bachelor, hadn’t the _charms_ (personal or mental, I cannot
+define which) of the fascinating Widow _Would-a-more_ captivated his
+invulnerable heart, and vanquished all his neutral determination
+of leading a life of celibacy; and therefore, by the widow’s
+persuasions, he metamorphosed himself into that happy being he calls
+a husband; for, blessed with so _sweet_, so _engaging_ a wife as
+Xantippe Henpeck, how can he be otherwise! But, however, I’ll treat
+you with a specimen of their ways and manners, by accepting their
+invitation; where you will find a hospitable board, and every thing
+in precise style; for Mrs. Henpeck rules over every concern, from
+the attic to the basement; in which department her loving husband
+never interferes, and knows no more of his household concerns, and
+the _necessaries_ or _unnecessaries_ of his family, than he does how
+many feathers compose his pillow: all he has to do is to supply his
+wife with plenty of the _threadneedle rags_, of which she well knew
+there was no _want_ when she condescended to bestow her hand where
+her _interest_ best directed such a _sacrifice_, and thereby dubbed
+Mr. Henpeck the _happiest of men_. But you shall judge, Victor, for
+yourself.”
+
+My uncle’s watch now reminded us it was time to retire, and dress
+for Dr. Tonic’s dinner party, who, dining, as he observed, at the
+unfashionable hour of three, did not allow us much time to adorn
+for conquest, as my uncle styled it; who, jocosely touching my
+elbow as we walked side by side up the spacious staircase to our
+respective dressing-rooms, observed, if I had but the happy invention
+of tying my neckcloth in some peculiar mode, totally different to
+the rest of the world, I should be as immortalized as Shakespeare’s
+mulberry-tree, and set the village fashion for the remainder of
+the year. “I’ll allow you also,” continued he, “to _bounce_ and
+_stretch_ a little in every point where your discretion may point
+out a retributive attack: you must therefore consider yourself
+at a masquerade, and make your consonant repartees accordingly;
+for, I assure you, you will find a most motley group of the
+“_Would-be-greats_” and the “_What-we-ares_,” but not many of the
+“_What-we-have-beens_;” because it’s not the fashion to _analyze
+genealogy_ in the present day. Exert your energies, and let the whole
+squad see you’re my own boy Victor, and not a mushroom raised from a
+dunghill by the powerful sunshine of fortune. You comprehend me, I’m
+sure.”
+
+We now separated, and, in about half an hour, met again, each
+equipped, and ready to start for our engagement.
+
+My uncle now surveyed me from head to foot; for, having paid some
+attention to his wishes, I had arranged my hair in a few peculiar
+turns, and tied my neckcloth in a very smart full rose, which I
+had taken no little pains to crimp up into due form, twisting the
+ends, in the similitude of a plat, round my neck: this, with the
+eccentricity of my quizzing-glass hung round my neck with a purple
+ribbon, and immense broad ribbons in my shoes, I stood before him, in
+my _own idea_, a perfect Bond-street _puppy_!
+
+“Have I properly obeyed your orders, Sir?” asked I.
+
+“Exactly,” replied he; “you have conjured that tippy bow under your
+chin in curious style.”
+
+I could not forbear smiling, for my soul, at the contrast we made, as
+I regarded _his_ neckcloth, which, in the perversity of the antique
+style, hung, in two dangling ends, to the bottom of his waistcoat,
+which, with the addition of his gold-laced hat and ancestorial cane,
+equipped him in his style, which none presumed to imitate, nor did I
+dare reprove, wisely considering the adage of “Prithee, Tom-fool,”
+&c.
+
+
+
+
+CHAP. IX.
+
+
+My uncle now led the way, and we found ourselves very shortly close
+under the well-known pestle and mortar at the Doctor’s shop door;
+where he most graciously receiving, conducted us to the dining-room;
+the door of which throwing wide open as the hinges would stretch, he,
+with a tremendous hem, hem, hem! thus announced us to a room full of
+company:--
+
+“Ladies and gentlemen, my respected friend Mr. Tweazy, and his
+nephew, Mr. Victor St. Alban.” Then advancing to a lady, who filled
+the pre-eminent chair, he thus successively introduced us to the
+whole group:--Mr. and Mrs. Fungus, Mr. and Mrs. Prolix, Mr. and Mrs.
+Deposit, Mr. Faddle and the Widow Quiz, Mrs. Tonic, Miss Elizetta
+Tonic, Miss Georgina Tonic, and, stuck behind the door on a high
+stool, was perched, “My son, Bob Tonic;” who, distending his nostrils
+as wide as nature would permit the extent, seemed like a sagacious
+pointer _smelling_ at fresh game, as he fixed his large black _bolus_
+eyes full on my face.
+
+Reciprocal compliments having subsided, two more chairs were wedged
+against the wainscot, and down upon them we squeezed ourselves,
+like fourteen larks stuck upon a skewer for a dog-day roast, in a
+low ceilinged room, divided only from the effluvia of jalap and
+assafœtida by a thin partition, against whose antique wainscot hung
+specimens of the Miss Tonics’ abilities in embroidered dogs, cats,
+pheasants, and fruit; while the black hearth was adorned with an
+immense bow-pot, containing all the flowers in the parish, stuck into
+a large _electuary jar_; the perfume of which redundant nosegay, or
+the _brown jar_, I know not _which_, so horrified Mrs. Deposit, she
+was obliged to leave the room, conducted by Bob Tonic to the revival
+of the hartshorn bottle; but an old woman coming in, almost at the
+moment, to have a tooth drawn, Mrs. Deposit, terrified at the idea of
+the operation, was obliged to return to the dining-room, from whence,
+at her request, the blooming composition of fragrance was instantly
+removed; but, unfortunately, before the servant could close the door,
+a large tabby-cat made his _entrée_ with family familiarity, which
+so alarmed the delicate nerves of Mrs. Fungus, that she uttered a
+loud shriek, which was responsively echoed by the old woman in the
+shop, in the agonizing wrench of extracting her decayed stump, much
+to the anger of the Doctor, who had deputed _Bob_ to perform the
+business, and brushed into the shop, reprobating the patient in terms
+so stentorial, that they were distinctly heard through the wainscot,
+to the following effect:--
+
+“What are you making such a d--d racket about--eh? Don’t you know
+I’ve got a house full of company, and every window open? If I’d known
+you’d have been such a weak old fool as to squall out in that manner,
+you should have borne the pain till to-morrow, I promise you.”
+
+“How could I help it, Sir?” replied the patient: “I thought as how
+Mister Bob had _scrunshed_ my jaw-bone.”
+
+“’Drot your jaw-bone!” answered the furious Doctor. “How dare you say
+such a thing? My son Bob’s the best tooth-drawer in England; and I
+think, after walking the hospitals for _two_ years, and extracting a
+_dozen_ teeth from _dead bodies_, he ought to know something about
+it.”
+
+“To be sure, Sir,” said the woman: “but then, Sir, you know as how
+as dead bodies could not _feel_, by reason of which they could not
+_scream_!”
+
+The Doctor was silent; for the woman’s argument was not to be
+refuted. “Pay your shilling, and go about your business: my son Bob’s
+got something better to do than stand bothering here all day.”--The
+woman obeyed the command; the shop door slammed to; and the Doctor
+returned to the company, who jocosely rallied him about scolding his
+patient so inconsistently.
+
+“She’d no business to scream,” said the Doctor.
+
+“She’d a _right_ to scream,” replied my uncle: “she felt excruciating
+pain, if you didn’t; and, therefore, how could she help it?”
+
+“Bob drew it as easy as an old shoe,” continued the Doctor.
+
+“So he might,” said my uncle; “but he did not _feel_ the agony.”
+
+“No, to be sure,” cried Mr. Prolix. “My poor girl, Lavinia, had a
+tooth extracted not a week ago; and, egad! Sirs, she screamed, that
+you might have heard her at the extremity of the village.”
+
+“Oh! I don’t wonder at that,” said my uncle: “your children are
+famous screamers: they never do any thing else, I think--at least,
+when I’m in your house.”
+
+Mr. Prolix was dumb; his cherubic wainscot cheeks mantled brickdust;
+while resentment for the stigma passed on his squalling children
+glanced from his eye. His wife was a pleasant, well-behaved, quiet
+soul; of the automaton breed; and as much the reverse, in her
+principles, of Mrs. Henpeck, as it was possible for a human creature
+to be; for she was a composition of humility, and obedience to the
+commands of her husband.--Not so was Mrs. Deposit: she was the most
+fantastic woman upon earth, except her neighbour, Mrs. Fungus;
+who, for family arrogance, could match the proudest of the proud.
+She assured the Miss Tonics, in lisping accents, most dulcet and
+affected, she intended giving a little sort of fête champêtre in the
+course of a fortnight, for which she should issue her cards in time.
+“And you, my dear Mrs. Deposit, will join our festive group;” and she
+patted her fan most lovingly on Mrs. Deposit’s _naked_ fat shoulder,
+exposed à la Venus.
+
+“Oh! my dear creature, I shall certainly attend you, with rapture,”
+replied the stylish compeer: “you know a dance or a rubber is my
+delight. How much, now, d’ye think I made by my card purse last
+season?”
+
+“Can’t guess, poz,” said Mrs. Fungus: “a rolio of fifty guineas,
+perhaps.”
+
+“Fifty!” reiterated Mrs. Deposit: “why, my dear soul, fifty guineas
+would scarce buy me a purse:” then, in an audible whisper, half a
+yard from Mrs. Fungus’s naked ear, “I netted _two hundred_ clear,
+’pon honour.”
+
+“Oh! you lucky soul,” exclaimed Mrs. Fungus. “But does not your lord
+sometimes reprove?”
+
+“Oh! he knows nothing of the matter,” replied Mrs. Deposit. “We are
+a very fashionable couple: we each pursue the mode most agreeable to
+our wishes; restriction would not suit me, I promise you. Deposit’s
+a good fellow: he never reproves me; and, in fact, if he _did_, it
+would little _avail_.”
+
+During this confab, my uncle (whose chair joined Mrs. Deposit’s) had
+fixed his chin upon his cane, and puffed out his cheeks, with his
+eyes fixed on the carpet, in deep attention, and panic-struck at
+the lady’s conversation, till, from the cast of his countenance, I
+dreaded every moment would produce one of his sharp opinions, not
+couched in the politest terms; but the servant announcing “dinner
+on table,” created the general bustle of a removal to the smoaking
+board, where a profuse spreadation of substantials, in the old
+English style, formed a copious fumigation from fish, flesh, fowl,
+and pudding; over which, at the bottom of the table, stood the
+Doctor, bolt upright, flourishing a tremendous carving-knife with as
+much dexterity as he would a lancet; and the ceremony of grace having
+been audibly repeated by _son Bob_, who took the Doctor’s right hand
+as extra officiating carver, we all took our allotted seats.
+
+An immense cod’s tail at the _top_ of the table, and a much larger
+_head and shoulders_ at the _bottom_, almost suffocated poor Mrs.
+Deposit, who declined partaking any portion of it, protesting,
+“the last _cod’s scull_ and smelts she purchased at Phillip’s, in
+Bond-street, cost her two guineas, and though the price was, to be
+sure, very exorbitant, it did not prove good.
+
+“Two guineas for a cod’s scull,” exclaimed my incredulous uncle: “in
+my opinion, there was not a scull in Bond-street worth a quarter part
+the money. Eh! Doctor, what say you? you understand sculls.”
+
+“Oh heavens!” ejaculated Mrs. Fungus; “what a horrid subject to start
+at a medical table. My dear Mr. Tweazy, pray, forbear. Do you know,
+I was extravagant enough to give a _guinea_ for a _lobster_ to a
+celebrated fishmonger in my neighbourhood, last March, for turbot
+sauce, at one of my city dinner parties?”
+
+“The more’s the pity, Ma’am,” said my uncle: “I’m very sorry you
+female caterers should encourage extortion to such a pitch: the
+guinea would have done more good to some distressed family.”
+
+“Pugh!” cried Mrs. Fungus. “Was _my_ turbot to be served without
+sauce, for such a _paltry_ consideration? No, indeed, by no means!”
+
+“But time has been, Madam,” rejoined my uncle, “when _you_ and _I_
+have bought many a lobster for a _groat_; aye, and when the humble
+bread and cheese we could set before our guests wanted no other sauce
+than a cordial welcome to the board of frugality.”
+
+“Bread and cheese!” reiterated Mrs. Deposit. “Dear Mr. Tweazy, what a
+_carpenter’s supper_ you have selected: I declare you quite horrify
+my delicacy. Stilton or Parmesan sandwiches are extreme bores to
+introduce, even on the sideboard of a fashionable table, merely for
+the purpose of flavouring the spruce and soda; but _common bread_ and
+_cheese_--oh! shocking! too terrible to think about!”
+
+Mrs. Tonic now interrupted this interesting dissertation, by holding
+out, at arm’s length, a plated fish-slice full of the _woolly_ flakes
+of the aforementioned dish, which everybody who knew where the
+prime part was stationed declined accepting, and she was therefore
+compelled to munch it herself; while her helpmate was plentifully
+distributing the jowl and jelly pieces to the epicures; amongst whom
+the Widow Quiz’s plate was first handed, with _profound homage_, by
+Mr. Prolix, who had made her _will_ only the day before, and well
+knew all the preliminaries it contained, both in his favour and the
+Doctor’s.
+
+The plate was now presented; and willing to gratify the high
+epicurean palate of the rich widow, he poked his wrinkled eyelids
+close over the dish, to select a boubouche, exclaiming, “Cod sounds,
+Madam! here’s a nice piece in reserve for you.”
+
+“My dear, my dear,” cried Mrs. Tonic (not comprehending what he
+said), “how you do swear!”
+
+“I swear!” replied the Doctor (as son Bob set up a horse-laugh at his
+mother’s mistake and expense). “Why, my dear Mrs. Tonic, you must be
+out of your mind: I was only helping Mrs. Quiz to part of the sound.”
+
+Poor Mrs. Tonic’s cheek flushed with confusion, and, being a placid
+woman of the _old school_, she made no reply; and the dinner went
+quietly down, as most dinners do, that are composed _only_ of
+eatables, not set out on the nicknack scale of notoriety.
+
+“Come, take a triffle with my daughter Elizetta,” said the doctor,
+slapping me on the shoulder: “don’t be afraid of her; she’s a Tonic,
+depend upon it.”
+
+I now, for the first time, discovered who this young lady was, and
+concluded I was to be indebted to her abilities for the harmonic
+strains I had been taught to expect, though, from her personal
+charms, I could draw no comparative idea.
+
+She was very short in stature, extremely scraggy, with a complexion
+à la _Bantam egg_, viz. similar to a composition of _bark_ and _bole
+ammoniac_, like my grandmother’s toothpowder; her eyes, like brother
+Bobby’s, were black and goggling; and if they were the telegraphs of
+her heart, it was a very inanimate one, insipid as a chalk draught,
+or gruel without salt. Her sister was the polygraph of herself;
+therefore no farther personal comment is requisite. They were both
+attentive and assiduous to the company, and, no doubt, might be two
+good sort of girls, fit to make industrious farmers’ wives; but
+neither of them were destined to captivate Victor St. Alban.
+
+“What a charming name yours is!” said Mrs. Deposit, looking most
+languishingly in my face. I bowed.
+
+“Aye, that was my choice,” replied my uncle.
+
+“Then much merit is due to your choice, Sir,” lisped Mrs. Fungus.
+“What a divine name it would be for a _novel_. If you do but subjoin
+it with one equally as elegant, how beautifully romantic it will
+sound: _Palmira_, for instance, crowning her _Victor_ with a wreath
+of never-fading happiness.”
+
+Here Mrs. Fungus set up a loud titter, which was succeeded by a
+universal simper, from a smile to a horse-laugh, from everybody but
+my uncle, who, aware of these quizzing impertinents, replied very
+gravely, “He believed there were many hearts that would yield to such
+a Victor, without much contention, from _bold fifteen_ to _bolder
+fifty_!”
+
+“Heavens! what an opinion you must have of women,” exclaimed Mrs.
+Deposit, who loved to hear herself talk as much as her husband, when
+he delivers elaborate encomiums from his knock-me-down pulpit of
+public extortion.
+
+“I entertain the best opinion in the world of all women,” rejoined my
+uncle; “for I estimate every one according to their principles and
+actions: my opinion, therefore, never swerving from _truth_, cannot
+possibly be a _bad one_.”
+
+“But _bold fifteen_ to _bolder fifty_!” cried Mrs. Fungus (who
+snatched the shuttlecock of argument from her voluble friend, Mrs.
+Deposit, to aim it at my uncle). “What do you mean to _infer_ by
+that, Mr. Tweazy?”
+
+“Precisely what I have said, Madam; for, with all due deference to
+the present circle of exemptions, I am sorry to say, in the present
+day, the levity of the girl of fifteen is, if possible, exceeded by
+the matron of fifty, _married_ or _single_.”
+
+Mrs. Fungus bit her lip; Mrs. Deposit sat upon a thorn; while the
+mild Mrs. Prolix ventured to give her humble opinion, “that certainly
+the principles of the _rising_ generation were very notorious:
+subordination had been her cradle motto; but the word, and its
+practical properties, were now both expelled.”
+
+“My dear, you talk like an old woman preaching morality over her
+knitting-pins,” said Mr. Prolix. “If you are all perfection yourself,
+depend upon it your system of propriety won’t reform the stylish
+_ungovernables_ of the day. You forget you have got a parson at your
+elbow. Eh! Mr. Faddle, now my wife has furnished the text, you can
+treat us with the sermon, I’m sure.”
+
+“No sermon! no sermon!” cried the Doctor: “let’s swallow the subject
+in a mouthful of plum-pudding.”
+
+“No bad idea,” replied my uncle: “I’ve heard many a sermon styled a
+‘_plum-pudding discourse_.’”
+
+“What profanity!” exclaimed the Widow Quiz (who was wiping her
+wine-glass with her cambric pocket-handkerchief, for fear a grain of
+dust should contaminate her puckered lip). “Pray, can I be indulged
+with a glass of _clean_ water?”
+
+“I should hope so,” replied the Doctor, “if some witch has not
+muddled the pump.”
+
+“Oh! the Doctor takes care of the _aqua-fontani_,” observed Mr.
+Faddle, offering his snuff-box to the widow, who smirked very
+cordially at the young man’s civility, dearly loving all possible
+_homage_ and respect, as due to her supposed consequence, having
+consigned her virgin hand, in her _fortieth_ year, to a husband, over
+whose ashes she now rattled the wheels of her chariot in sovereign
+independence; which vehicle, when travelling, she converted to a
+_chandler’s shop_, by furnishing it even with a _cag_ of _water_,
+that she might not be poisoned by stagnant pools: she carried,
+also, every article of provision; nor did she even omit her sheets
+and rush-lights, none possibly being so good as her _own_. To this
+eccentric woman the Tonic family paid high respect; and whenever she
+honoured them with a visit, the head seat and best pieces were at her
+command.
+
+
+
+
+CHAP. X.
+
+
+A plate of pudding was now handed to Mr. Faddle, who audibly assured
+the company, “he could furnish a most excellent _receipt_ for one,
+upon a very economic plan.”
+
+“I never heard of a parson making a plum-pudding before,” said my
+uncle: “they should never cook any thing but sermons. Why, your
+Reverence, I’m shocked; you would not convert a pulpit-cloth into a
+pudding-bag, I hope.”
+
+This speech, though uttered with much gravity, caused a hearty laugh
+at the coddling parson’s expense, which seemed to nettle him, though
+he did not retort. The cloth was soon after removed, and the desert
+made its appearance; but as it was not in the Bond-street style, Mrs.
+Deposit could touch nothing but a _prime_ nectarine; observing, the
+whole time she was in London last summer, “she lived upon _ice_ and
+_peaches_!”
+
+“And, pray, Madam,” said my uncle, very gravely, “what may you live
+upon in the winter?”
+
+“_Turtle_ and _chantillies_!” returned the lady.
+
+“And, pray, what may a chantilly be?” asked my uncle.
+
+“La! my dear Sir, don’t you know what it is? ’Pon honour, you country
+folks--excuse me--vegetate like cabbages! He, he, he!”
+
+“Cabbages! Madam,” retorted my enraged uncle. “I beg an explanation
+of that opprobrious sarcasm. I believe your town residence is not
+far from the _cabbage repository_; therefore, please to explain,
+Madam: I shall thank you for the intelligence.”
+
+“Why, then, Sir,” answered Mrs. Deposit (much piqued at the retort of
+the _cabbage repository_), “do you not vegetate, more and more like a
+cabbage, every day of your life? Do you not grow “_white-headed_ and
+_hard-hearted_!”--eh! Mr. Tweazy?”
+
+Ha, ha, ha! resounded from the bottom of the table in one united peal
+of rough merriment, till interrupted by the Divine, Mr. Faddle, who
+requested an explanation of the chantilly.
+
+“Why, Sir,” replied Mrs. Deposit, suppressing a smile, “I really
+cannot give you the express _receipt_;” and she winked sarcastically
+at the Doctor: “but a chantilly is a kind of a sort of a delicious
+olio, the centre ornament of every stylish table, composed of cakes,
+whipt cream, sweetmeats, and so forth, served in a ratifia basket,
+with barley-sugar ormoulu, lion’s claws supporting its elegant
+fabric. It’s a very pretty French kickshaw invention, if _we_ could
+but keep it _ourselves_; but, really, it is becoming so _common_ a
+dish at your _city gorges_, that it is now nearly expelled from the
+western galas, I do assure you.”
+
+The Widow Quiz observed, “it must be a very extravagant dish.”
+
+“La! that’s nothing!” replied Mrs. Deposit. “I would not give a
+rush to sit down to a dinner without the table-decker’s tablet
+of information, to instruct me, that a dolphin was a disguised
+tongue, or a beautiful tortoise was nothing more than a ragoued
+pigeon; a dish of blamonge converted into a pack of cards; with a
+fierce-looking hedgehog, composed of cake and custard! Oh! there’s
+nothing like _dashing_ and _flashing_!”
+
+“Yes, yes!” cried my uncle; “you’re right, Madam. _Dash_ into Hyde
+Park one day, and _dash_ into the _Gazette_ the next! that’s high ton
+with the new _flash-in-pan_ societies, I understand.”
+
+“True,” replied Mrs. Deposit, very composedly; “such are the
+_casualties_ of _fashion_: but I don’t comprehend what you call the
+‘flash-in-pan societies.’”
+
+“I mean,” replied my uncle, “the nightly card parties, formed of
+_young tradesmen_, who, neglecting all duties, moral and divine,
+leave an innocent, wretched young _wife_ of _eighteen_, to weep,
+alone, a husband’s destructive follies over the cradle of her hapless
+progeny, till day-light dawns upon her tearful eye, and sends the
+ruined gamester to his thorny pillow, where love and fond fidelity
+have lost their charms, and every place, save _home_, affords him
+pleasure. Such is the _minor_ husband, the mere married _boy_,
+rushing, with incautious step, to ruin’s brink, and cruelly involving
+in his fate the innocent and virtuous victim of his _fancied_
+happiness.”
+
+“Oh! but that’s nothing extraordinary, Sir,” cried Mrs. Deposit. “Man
+and wife, now-a-days, a’n’t like lock and key, that the one can’t
+move without the other. Why, Deposit and I are the most fashionable
+couple imaginable: we never intrude on each other’s pleasures: he
+has his card parties, I mine: he mounts his hunter, and dashes in
+the Ride; I pop into Lady Lounge’s barouche, and sport myself in the
+Drive every Sunday; I don’t put on my cottage clumps, and, _glueing_
+myself upon _hubby’s_ arm, content myself with _fagging_ through the
+plebeian pedestrian throng. La! we should both be the most wretched
+creatures living. Shouldn’t we, George?”
+
+“Precisely so, my love,” replied the non-chalante _husband of
+fashion_. “The system we married on was a total independence of
+principle; for, as we had both arrived at the years of discretion, we
+each resolved to pursue the plan most consonant to our wishes; and, I
+flatter myself, we are as _fond_ and happy a couple----”
+
+“As any _fashionable_ couple possibly can be,” interrupted my uncle,
+whose irritated temper would not permit Mr. Deposit the privilege of
+finishing his flourishing sentence.
+
+“Why, my dear Mrs. Tonic,” hemm’d the Doctor, “I’m afraid you and I
+must go to school again; for these are lessons we have never learnt
+or practised.”
+
+“Then, I’m sure, my dear, we are too old to learn now; and,
+therefore, I beg to remain in my happy ignorance,” said Mrs. Tonic.
+
+“Well, well! hem, hem! agreed, old woman, agreed!”
+
+The conversation now became vapid; and the ladies soon after
+withdrew into the garden, for a walk and a gossip; Mrs. Tonic
+not being blessed with a drawing-room, and the sun having darted
+its most fervent ray of excessive power on the parlour they were
+first received in. Mrs. Deposit and Mrs. Fungus both declared the
+heat would annihilate them; and they, in consequence, made what
+they termed a gipsey party, under a cherry-tree; where, seated on
+the grass, they retailed envy, hatred, and malice, from the grain
+to the pound, without the assistance of the shop scales, as most
+other female country parties do, who have little else to employ
+them; for, be it known to my readers, Mrs. Deposit and Mrs. Fungus
+were mere temporary inhabitants of the village, who condescended
+to rusticate themselves for three months in a cottage ornée, to
+recruit the excesses of winter balls and galas, “by gleaning,” as
+Mrs. Fungus elegantly styled it, “the roses of health, to adorn the
+vulgar day-light complexion that the summer’s glaring sun exposed to
+the eye of scrutiny, till the less glaring beam of pink wax scented
+lights suffered the fascinating convenient Christmas bloom to be
+substituted, undetected.”
+
+This cogent reason, subjoined to a few provoking pimples, induced
+these ladies to seclude themselves in durance vile, living upon
+physic and water-gruel, of which self-vanity induced them to swallow
+many potions; while their respective husbands honoured the rural
+residence with their company as often as business or _inclination_
+permitted; Mr. Fungus being in the speculative line, and Mr. Deposit
+constantly engaged in his pulpit, _hammering_ his elaborate discourse
+into the ears of his auditors, congregated round him to buy bargains
+at his tonish repository.
+
+
+
+
+CHAP. XI.
+
+
+Various were the topics in the drinking parlour, and many the bets
+made between the Doctor and his convivial companions; for no man
+loved an argument better; till the “briskly-circling glass” had
+elated them in full flow of spirits; when the coffee mandate from
+the ladies, reassembled in the dining-room, summoned them to adjourn
+to the whist table, where Mrs. Deposit had already placed herself,
+and was impatiently shuffling the cards in most dextrous style, and
+displaying a splendid purse of guineas, four of which lay at her
+elbow, as scorers, with as much indifference, on her part, as if they
+had been four dumps; while the Widow Quiz, who was classed as her
+compeer, picked four silver _twopences_ out of her old family crimson
+silk purse, and, drawing up her head, she sat leering about her in
+full state; till the Doctor and Mr. Prolix took the opponent seats,
+the latter of whom drew Mrs. Deposit, and the former the Widow Quiz.
+
+Now the Widow played a very _sharp_ game, and the Doctor a _deep_
+one; but, with all their ingenuity, they could neither vanquish
+the lawyer nor the gamestress, in whose favour the run of luck was
+perfectly magical.
+
+The Doctor swore, crossed his legs, uncrossed them, swung his chair,
+but all to no purpose; the Widow turned her little conjuring coins,
+shuffled the cards in every direction, and execrated the whole pack;
+while the successful lawyer, and his fortunate partner, netted all
+the shillings and half-crowns that came in their way; while Mrs.
+Fungus and Mr. Deposit, _versus_ Parson Faddle and Mrs. Tonic,
+experienced the same provoking fate, much to the dismay of Mrs.
+Fungus, who could never keep her temper in due subordination on those
+_trying_ occasions.
+
+Matters being thus arranged, the rest of the company wished to play
+a round game; which my uncle proposed should be Loo, and accordingly
+took his seat by the side of the placid Mrs. Prolix, the Misses
+Tonic, myself, and Mr. Bob Tonic, who had scarce dealt the cards,
+when the door opened, and a lady made her entrée, whom Bob thus
+addressed:--
+
+“What! you’re come at last, Maria; we expected you to tea.”
+
+The Doctor, hearing the name of Maria, jumped up, while his opponents
+were dealing; and advancing to our table, “Mr. St. Alban,” said he,
+“I must introduce my son’s wife. This, Sir, is Mrs. Bob Tonic; as
+good a little woman as ever lived. Nay, don’t blush, child. How’s the
+boy to-night?”
+
+“Very poorly, Sir; which has been the reason of my delay,” answered
+Mrs. Bob.
+
+“Well, well, child! never mind; you would marry, and so you must take
+a mother’s care.” He then gave her a loving nip of the cheek, and
+returned to his game.
+
+“Come, sit down, sit down!” cried her boorish husband; “don’t make a
+fuss; I expected you two hours ago!”
+
+“I dare say, you did, my love; but I could not leave the child.”
+
+“Pshaw! why the d--l didn’t you give him the poppy syrup, and set him
+to sleep?”
+
+“So I did, my dear; but it took the contrary effect,” cried the
+subordinate wife.
+
+“Poh d--n it! it’s all want of management, because _I_ wasn’t at
+home.”
+
+The crimson of reprehension so unmerited flushed Mrs. Tonic’s cheek;
+and a tear of vexation started in her eye, which added expression to
+its natural lustre.
+
+“Never mind, Madam,” exclaimed my uncle; “you are all in good time,
+and we are all happy to see you, early or late: you have been
+performing that duty which so eminently distinguishes the character
+of a mother, and adorns it with that lustre no ostrich parent can
+tarnish.”
+
+The little smiling woman, whose countenance was the express image of
+good-nature, thanked him for his polite compliment.
+
+“Halloo! there, Squire!” cried Doctor Tonic: “why, you’ll make my son
+Bob jealous. We shall have a duel, or a crim. con. Ha, ha, ha!”
+
+“What pretty speech were you making about _ostrich parents_, Mr.
+Tweazy?” said Mrs. Fungus. “It’s an idea many an embarrassed author
+would thank you for.”
+
+“I want neither authors nor critics to pass judgment on my
+sentiments, Madam,” replied my uncle. “I dare say, Madam, you, who
+live in the region of literary information, can be at no loss
+to know, that an ostrich leaves the protection of its young to
+Providence; that the egg is hatched by the sun on the seashore, where
+the parent bird abandons it to its fate. Just so, the mother, who,
+resigning her infant offspring to the care of nurses, dandles it on
+the lap of starvation and extortion; till, falling a prey to neglect
+and cruelty, the hapless blossom withers in the shade of oblivion,
+because its _ostrich mother_ is too fantastic to trouble herself
+about it.”
+
+“A very stylish description, upon my word,” answered Mrs. Tonic.
+
+“Well! if I should ever be plagued with a child,” cried Mrs. Deposit,
+“I shall certainly apply to Mr. Tweazy for a lecture on maternal
+duties.”
+
+“And you shall be heartily welcome, Madam, to as long or short a
+dissertation as you think proper,” replied my uncle.
+
+“Sir!” cried the shopman (popping in his head, the express image of
+a scull on a mop-stick); “Sir! Mrs. Drinkwater wants your attendance
+immediately.”
+
+“Poh! fool. Why didn’t you say I was out?”
+
+“Why, Sir,” resumed the man (as he hung his whole weight on the
+creaking lock of the door, whose hinges kept up a wee-war unison), “I
+didn’t know I was to say that in a life or death case.”
+
+“How’s that! how’s that!” said the Doctor, throwing down his cards.
+
+“Why, Mrs. Drinkwater’s very bad, Sir; and the lawyers at her
+bed-side, making her will; and he can’t go on without you.”
+
+“What, what, what! not go on without me! Oh, oh! I’ll take a good
+stiff cordial in my pocket, and be off, if that’s the case.”
+
+“Aye, do,” said my uncle: “it may _operate_ in your _favour_.”
+
+“Take my cards, then--will you?” answered the Doctor; who, snatching
+up his hat, rushed into the shop to the cordial bottle the old lady
+best loved, furnished himself with a proper dose, and, mounting his
+horse, gallopped away from his bad luck to what he hoped would prove
+better; and my uncle, in consequence, finished his rubber.
+
+As the Doctor closed the door, Mr. Prolix expressed his astonishment,
+that Mrs. Drinkwater should not have employed his superior abilities
+on the important occasion; while Mrs. Fungus longed to know who would
+be the heir.
+
+“We shall know all about it when the Doctor comes back,” said Mrs.
+Deposit.
+
+“The Doctor must be as dumb as a dumpling,” cried Mr. Prolix: “he
+must be very careful how he tells tales out of school.”
+
+“Unless he whispers them, in confidence, to you,” replied Mrs. Fungus.
+
+“If the house and furniture are to be sold,” said Mr. Deposit, “I
+should like to speculate, and conduct the business, I must confess.”
+
+“But you’ll stop, with proper decency, till the woman’s dead, I
+hope,” said my uncle; “or d’ye mean to go to-morrow morning, and
+make a live bargain for the job, whenever the casualty may take
+place?”
+
+A general laugh silenced the disconcerted projector; and Mrs. Fungus
+very snappishly requested he would attend to his cards, as she was
+losing a little estate, which, if luck did not take a turn, she
+should be compelled to mortgage.
+
+The cards now flew briskly round; and Mrs. Bob Tonic’s lap was like
+Dame Fortune’s cornucopia, for she absolutely cleared every pool;
+while poor Mrs. Prolix bore her disappointment very composedly and
+patiently. Not so the Misses Tonic, who snapt and pouted their negro
+lips, and gave themselves most unwarrantable airs, to which the
+patient and meek sister-in-law seemed to pay no attention, probably
+from the system being _habitually_ adopted; for affection or respect
+to her superiority seemed quite out of the question.
+
+
+
+
+CHAP. XII.
+
+
+An hour had elapsed, when the Doctor’s horse gallopped up to the
+door; and, in two minutes after he had taken off his boots, he
+entered the room.
+
+“Well! Doctor, what news? Is she dead? How stands the will? Were
+you in time? May we congratulate you? Has the cordial had any
+effect?”--reiterated from every lip, till they fairly stunned the
+poor Doctor; who, hemming very loud, demanded silence, to answer
+their profuse inquiries.
+
+He then deliberately drew his chair, and prefaced the recital by
+assuring them Mrs. Drinkwater was not dead. “She called me to her
+bed-side,” continued the Doctor, “to request I would sign her will;
+which I instantly refused, stating, if I was a witness, of course
+my name was not in the will; a circumstance which nettled me most
+devilishly, you must know.”
+
+“Of course,” cried everybody; and the Doctor thus went on; while his
+auditors, and particularly his own young cormorants, sat, with open
+mouths and attentive ears, to catch the sequel:--
+
+“Well, Sirs, the lawyer presented me the pen and ink, which, like a
+man of spirit, I inflexibly pushed away, positively declaring I would
+not sign any thing to my own disadvantage, having flattered myself,
+as an old friend, I should have been _handsomely_ remembered.”
+
+“My dear Doctor,” said Mrs. Drinkwater, “don’t mistake my request;
+for, though your name is not down, I have taken care of your family:
+I have left all your children a _plum-cake_ a-piece.”
+
+“Oh! very well, Madam,” said I; “if you have done that, I’m
+satisfied. With that, I seized the pen, and affixed my sign manual at
+the oven’s mouth; for what _sized_ cake it will produce, I know not.
+So there’s an end of the concern; and my boys and girls will reap the
+harvest their father ploughed.”
+
+“Humph!” ejaculated Mrs. Tonic, on whose features sat the shade of
+disappointment: “I confess I’m surprised at her conduct.”
+
+“I hope there’s plenty of plums in the cake, however,” said Bob
+Tonic, with an unintelligent grin.
+
+“Few or many,” replied the Doctor, “you’ll take your chance: her old
+fool of a husband served me the same trick--in fact, worse; for he
+only left me a ring. Egad! I’ve kept her alive, by art, these seven
+years.”
+
+“Yes; your happy medical art, subjoined to the power of her head
+physician, the brandy bottle,” said Mr. Prolix, sneeringly, who
+felt he was five guineas out of pocket by the job. “Are you sure,”
+continued he, “she was compos?”
+
+“That’s no look-out of mine,” said the Doctor; “I only know I’m d--d
+mad.”
+
+“Then you know nothing of the tenor of the will?” asked Mr. Deposit.
+
+“Not I! I don’t care a fig about it. If she sends for me any more,
+Bob shall go; he’s _paid_ for it: I won’t go, by G--d!”
+
+“Blessed is he who never expects, for he shall never be
+disappointed,” exclaimed Parson Faddle.
+
+“Amen,” ejaculated Bob Tonic, bursting into a laugh at his own
+sagacity.
+
+“Well,” cried the Widow Quiz (primming her mouth, and shoving her
+elbows into her sides, as she drew up her head); “I wonder whether
+she has _cut off_ the _entail_ of her estate.”
+
+“She may cut off her head, for what I care,” replied the Doctor. “But
+come, good folks; if your cards are over, we’ll adjourn to supper;
+where, if we don’t find plum-cakes, we must content ourselves with
+bread and cheese.”
+
+We now followed, en train, to a table of cold relics: but as there
+was no _chantilly_, Mistresses Deposit and Fungus declined eating
+what they privately termed _kitchen scraps_, which the derisive
+contraction of their noses most perfectly evinced. The Doctor made a
+stiff bowl of punch, at which he was a famous hand; and Miss Elizetta
+treated us, after supper (at her papa’s request), with the “Beautiful
+Maid,” whom she completely murdered, for no screech-owlet ever
+quivered or shrieked more unmusical. My uncle fixed his eyes on me;
+and I very prudently cast mine on the table, till the hooting scream
+finished.
+
+“Bravo! bravo!” thundered the Doctor, rapping the table with
+his knuckles; while Mr. Deposit responded with the foot of his
+wine-glass, with as much dexterity as if it had been his own pulpit
+hammer.
+
+“Did you ever hear Braham sing that delightful song, Miss Tonic?”
+asked Mrs. Deposit, winking at Mrs. Fungus.
+
+“No, Ma’am; I never heard _nobody_ sing it,” answered the bronze
+songstress.
+
+“I suppose not, my dear,” replied Mrs. Deposit, bursting into a rude
+laugh. “But that was not exactly the question I asked; because, of
+course, _nobody never_ could sing _nothing nowhere_; but _somebody_,
+blessed with the enchanting powers of a Braham, might sing
+_anywhere_.”
+
+“True,” said the Doctor (who was neither aware of the exposure of
+his daughter’s oratory by the sarcastic lip of Mrs. Deposit, nor of
+Miss Elizetta’s self-conviction of false grammar), “true; but my
+daughter’s are all _pure wild notes_; therefore, I say, the greater
+the merit. What think you, Mr. Victor?”
+
+“I agree with you, that _some_ wild notes are exquisitely melodious,
+Sir,” returned I.
+
+“Can’t you tip us a stave, Victor?” asked my uncle. “They tell me you
+were always a devotee at the Oxford Music Meetings. It’s my opinion,
+you’re like the monkeys--know more than you think proper to own.
+Come, strike up; I challenge you. If I could sing, I’d set you the
+example.”
+
+Recollecting my uncle’s injunction, to _dash_, I instantly complied,
+and, to the best of my abilities, sang “Beware of Love;” for which I
+received a thunder of applause from Mrs. Deposit, who discovered I
+was well versed in the science of music. “Why, my dear Sir,” said
+she, “you are positively the Apollo of the village: you frequent the
+Opera, I’ll be bound.”
+
+I confessed it an amusement of which I was extravagantly fond.
+
+“I thought so, I declare,” continued the voluble lady; “and, I
+dare say, you are a frequenter of that fashionable lounge, the
+“_Odechorologean_,” the “_Musederian_,” &c.”
+
+“I am, Madam, an occasional visitor.”
+
+“Oh, oh!” said Mrs. Fungus, “I find you’re a very dashing young man:
+I shall send you a card for my fête, addressed to Apollo Victor St.
+Alban, Esq.--hey!”
+
+“Omit the first and last title, Madam,” said I; “and I’ll answer to
+the rest, according to the wishes of my uncle, and the record of the
+parish register.”
+
+“You see what we Londoners can do, Doctor,” cried my uncle. “Ah!
+London’s the mart of science, the school of manners; it’s the only
+place worth living in.”
+
+“There I beg leave to differ,” said Widow Quiz: “I think London’s the
+school of vice--a nasty, dirty, smoky place--full of bad people--all
+extravagance and extortion.”
+
+“Then you don’t allow there are any bad people in the country,”
+replied my uncle; “or that, while a great hulking clodpole is
+swinging on a gate, and chewing fat bacon, he can possibly be
+brooding mischief, on the score of a _blight monopoly_ in his corn,
+and a _dearth monopoly_ of his cattle! No, no; let a countryman
+alone for that: though a fool in form and manners, he’s a knave in
+principle. And what else can you expect from an uncivilized being,
+bred up amongst sticks, stones, and the beasts of the field--a mere
+living composition of pork and cabbage--just human, and that’s all?”
+
+“And, pray, what’s better than good wholesome pork and cabbage,
+Sir?” resumed the Widow. “If you lived with me, you’d have pork and
+cabbage, _cold_, for breakfast; cabbage and pork, _hot_, for dinner,
+by way of change; and cold pork and cabbage for supper, all the year
+round; with the exception of stone dumplings and harvest puddings.”
+
+“I thank you, Madam, for your bill of fare,” said my uncle; “but it
+would not suit my appetite.”
+
+“No, I believe not,” replied the Doctor. “However, we thank you for
+your portrait of a country man. You’re a very severe genius, upon my
+word. We must mind what we’re about.”
+
+“Oh! I don’t mind being quizzed for a satirical crab, I assure you:
+I speak the plain, honest, home truth: I can nip as sharp as your
+blisters; aye, make as sore a place, occasionally,” retorted my uncle.
+
+At this moment Mrs. Fungus’s little lacquey-boy was announced, with
+his mistress’s clogs and lantern; and Mrs. Prolix’s girl-maid brought
+her mistress’s umbrella. This intelligence dissolved the party. The
+Widow Quiz retired to the Doctor’s best _check_ bed; and my uncle,
+self, and Parson Faddle, found our way home in the dark; while the
+fantastic Mrs. Deposit condescended to follow her dear neighbour
+Fungus’s “_glow-worm_,” she styled it; her family _scout_ being left
+in London to sweep out the auction-room. And thus finished our visit.
+
+
+
+
+CHAP. XIII.
+
+
+“Well, Victor,” cried my uncle, as we entered the parlour, “how
+stands your heart? You have not left it behind you, I hope, with the
+“Beautiful Maid.”
+
+“No, on my honour, Sir, it’s perfectly safe,” replied I.
+
+“And if it had been entrapped, I suppose you would not have had
+candour enough to acknowledge it--hey!”
+
+“Indeed, I would, Sir: I always estimate the truth too highly to
+disgrace it,” answered I.
+
+“Have a care, my boy, I don’t try the reality of that profession some
+day, when you least suspect it.”
+
+“I’ll give you leave, Sir,” resumed I; “for, I trust, the person who
+ensnares my heart, captivates it, or whatever you please to term it,
+will never disgrace my choice, or your consequence.”
+
+“Time will prove it, Victor! Good night; pleasant dreams. In the
+morning, we’ll talk over the visit we have made. We are engaged,
+to-morrow, at Mr. Macfriz’s; where we shall have plenty of subject
+matter to amuse us: but, you’ll remember, you must not raise your
+ideas above par; we shall be in the mediocrity squad, and, therefore,
+suit our manners to our company. You’ll not have Mrs. _Calypso_
+Deposit at your elbow, Master Telemachus; old Mentor knows better
+than to train his pupil in the den of a hyena: we go none to her
+cottage: you don’t want a microscope to inspect the motives of her
+crocodilic civility, I’ll be bound.”
+
+“Oh, no! I’d rather view them through a telescope,” said I.
+
+My uncle had now reached his chamber door, and we parted for the
+night.
+
+The next morning, while we were taking breakfast, another invitation
+card made its appearance from Mrs. Henpeck, requesting our company to
+dinner the following day.
+
+“Egad! we shall live cheap,” exclaimed my uncle: “our parties flow
+in so fast, that our own bread and cheese will grow mouldy. But, I
+suppose, I must give a grand gala in return; and you can assist in
+the duties of the table, by _anchovyising the apple-dumpling_.”
+
+“My dear Sir,” said I, “I feel the heat of one this moment on my
+cheek; the convictive crimson of which must, I’m sure, be evident
+proof.”
+
+“Why, you do look _cherry-cheeked_,” rejoined he.
+
+“There, again, Sir, I feel a retort,” not forgetting the espalier and
+the pane of glass, thought I.
+
+“A truce, a truce, to old grievances!” cried my uncle. “Before I
+answer Mrs. Henpeck’s cards, I want your opinion of our companions
+last night. In the first instance, what think you of Mrs. Deposit?”
+
+“A complete woman of the world, whose husband ought to correct her
+vices, and improve his own virtues, however slender.”
+
+“You’re right! she’s the weakest of mortals, a composition of vanity
+and extravagance, and, by aping her superiors, renders herself truly
+ludicrous and disgusting, which her manners and converse must have
+evinced. But what say you of Mrs. Fungus?”
+
+“I think her the counterpart of her neighbour Deposit, extremely
+affected, self-consequential, and a countenance so replete with
+disdain, as to induce one to devote one’s attention to some more
+smiling and fascinating object.”
+
+“But do you know the reason of this lately assumed arrogance?”
+rejoined my uncle.
+
+“Reason can never justify arrogance, Sir.”
+
+“But what reason could _not_ effect, fortune has,” replied my
+uncle; “for a legacy of two thousand pounds, left her by a distant
+relative, has so elevated her consequence, that the power of gold
+acted like electricity: it impaired her eye-sight, whenever she met
+an old friend in the street (though a hundred times her superior);
+it caused a defalcation of memory, so great, she forgot her best
+and real friends, and, in a very short time, she _forgot herself_
+completely. She furnished a fashionable city drawing-room; oh! how
+superior to her former smoky parlour, decked with markettings, a
+littering cradle containing a squalling baby, a clothes-horse of _wet
+linen_, and a basket of _ragged stockings_, _baby’s etceteras_, and
+other family _repairs_; in which style Mrs. Fungus _mucked_ on, and
+_entertained_ her friends, en famille; though, were such things now
+whispered in her ear, it would horrify her gentility. Her husband, as
+times go, is a phœnix, and never contradicts her extravagant whims;
+because his deary’s _legacy_ has _raised_ him from _obscurity_, and
+made him a common-councilman, strutting, at a Guildhall dinner,
+by the side of his white and gold wife; while Miss Minerva Fungus,
+mama’s little image and darling pet, is bringing up, under her
+intuitive wing, a rival goddess: she reads with the fluency and
+emphasis of a Siddous, recites theatrical speeches with the grace
+and action of a Roscius, sings à la Catalani, dances like Angeolini;
+in short, if you heard Mrs. Fungus’s description of her little
+daughter’s accomplishments, you have only to add to the panegyric, by
+informing the world, she owes all her abilities to the _instructions_
+of her mama. We shall, no doubt, be invited to her fête; and then you
+will see how to _dash_, when your old uncle leaves you a _brace_ of
+thousands.”
+
+“I hope I shall expend them consistently,” said I.
+
+“If you don’t, it will make no odds to me: I shan’t be alive to
+witness your folly; you’ll feel its effects, not me, my boy,” said my
+uncle, as he sipped his cocoa.
+
+We hadn’t cleared the table many minutes, before our regular morning
+visitor, the Doctor, popp’d in.
+
+“How d’ye do? Have you heard the news? Miss Fitzclarence is arrived
+at the Rectory. By G--d, she’s the loveliest girl in England, a
+perfect Venus, beautiful as an angel, meek as a dove, and as rich in
+mind as in pocket, I don’t doubt.”
+
+“Heyday! heyday!” cried my uncle. “Why, Doctor, you’re an enthusiast.
+Zounds! I must take care of Victor.”
+
+“Ah! I wish I’d a son with an unengaged heart,” resumed the Doctor;
+“I’d break every bone in his body, I’d kick the rascal out of doors,
+if he did not make himself _agreeable_ to such a woman.”
+
+“But that might not be in his power, perhaps,” said my uncle.
+
+“Why, indeed, if she looked for beauty, we might fall short in that
+essential, to be sure.”
+
+“Perhaps, also,” continued my uncle, “she might require equal
+sensibility, and equal or superior fortune. What then, Doctor--hey?
+how would you come on thereabouts?”
+
+“Oh! perseverance, perseverance, is every thing with a woman! _coax_
+first, _bluster_ afterwards, and then rouse their energies by
+_talking_ of pistols, swords, ropes, or poison; and that settles the
+business.”
+
+“Without making _use_ of either,” interrupted my uncle. “A very
+pretty mode of making love à la Tonic. You’ve the _family receipt_,
+I suppose; so that you could prepare the prescription for Victor, if
+it should be necessary. We’ll try the effect to-morrow morning, when
+the young lady’s a little more settled.”
+
+“Oh! Markwell’s family’s in high bustle, I assure you. There’s half a
+cart-load of goods at the door; there’s a fine gold harp, a beautiful
+piano, a most elegant work-table, a large portfolio, of drawings
+I suppose, with a curious writing-desk, and three large trunks of
+apparel. Such a bustle! they were running about like scalded magpies!”
+
+“Then how could you think of intruding in such a busy moment?” said
+my uncle.
+
+“Curiosity impelled me, and I could not resist the temptation.”
+
+“Temptation!” echoed my uncle: “what have such old fellows as you
+and I to do with temptation? The very idea ought to be tartar emetic
+to you.”
+
+“Well; we shall hear your opinion of her,” continued the Doctor.
+
+“And it shall be an impartial one, depend upon it; not founded on the
+basis of momentary curiosity,” said my uncle. “Why, Mrs. Deposit and
+Mrs. Fungus will go crazy.”
+
+“I’m just going to call on the identical ladies, to impart the news,”
+rejoined the Doctor; “and so, gentlemen, I’m your most obedient;” and
+off he swaggered.
+
+“Victor! Victor!” exclaimed my uncle, as the door closed, “can you
+possibly exist till to-morrow, without gratifying your curiosity?
+If you can, I’ll order my horses, and we’ll amuse ourselves with
+a morning’s ride: I want to treat you with a few of our beautiful
+prospects, as well as our beautiful maids. Egad! methinks the two
+songs selected last night by you and Elizetta Tonic, were extremely
+applicable to this said divinity, Miss Fitzclarence; not that I
+estimate the Doctor’s judgment of beauty with that of a Paris; add to
+which, he looks through very defective optics.”
+
+
+
+
+CHAP. XIV.
+
+
+The horses were now ordered: my uncle mounted his old favourite mare,
+and I had Geoffry’s strong black nag; and, in a jog-trot style, we
+proceeded through the village.
+
+We had not gone above a mile, when, passing through a narrow lane,
+we met a gentleman on horseback, in the exact position of an X; that
+is to say, his elbows and toes were so horizontally stretched, they
+touched the hedges on each side.
+
+“Good-morning, good Sir! How d’ye do? how d’ye do? I’m taking a
+little air,” said the gentleman.
+
+“That you’ve a right to, but not to _all_ the road, by the by. Why,
+my dear fellow, there’s no room to pass you: you’re as formidable an
+object as a broad-wheel waggon. But what’s the matter with you--you
+look poorly?” said my uncle.
+
+“Eh! exactly so; I’m extremely asthmatic; I’ve wasted a pound within
+this fortnight, owing to profuse and constant perspiration: in short,
+Mrs. Dashwell is very asthmatic, and so’s my daughter-in-law and my
+nephew; and the _maid’s_ very unwell.”
+
+“What! is _she_ asthmatic too?” asked my uncle, with a suppressed
+smile.
+
+“Eh! not exactly so: but, I assure you, Mrs. D---- is very ill; she’s
+so _delicate_ a constitution; she has not power to fetch the water to
+wash her hands.”
+
+“Indeed!” said my uncle, doubtingly, as he tossed up his chin: “a
+good, strong constitution, that can stand wind and weather, is a very
+enviable blessing.”
+
+“Exactly so: no woman possessed a better formerly,” answered he.
+
+“But we don’t grow younger and stronger every day,” cried my uncle:
+“and, perhaps, she may have made too free with her constitution in
+the early part of life; such as the damp _night air_, _high suppers_,
+_playhouse heats_ and _colds_, and _so forth_. Those kind of things
+all take effect in time.”
+
+The gentleman turned pinkish, set up a hollow cough, tucked his
+toes under the saddle to give us room to pass, and, wishing us
+good-morning, cantered gently away.
+
+“Your friend has brushed off in a hurry,” said I.
+
+“Yes,” replied my uncle; “he’s a bad digestion, advice sticks in
+his stomach, and an explanation of _causes_ and effects always
+gives him a certain unexplanatory twinge. He’s a keen tradesman
+of the day; boasts his horses, his _half pipe_ of _Madeira_, his
+haunch, turbot, and game parties; and longs to sport a shell of
+calipash to establish his galas; where the city nobility, alias the
+ci-divant _penny-postman’s son_, and the ci-divant _tallow-chandler’s
+daughter_, always find an upper seat, amongst many other plebeian
+fashionables; and while there’s strength enough in the _gunpowder_
+to make a _good report_, and prevent a _flash_ in the _pan_, who
+so great, so consequential, while the rags circulate. But you’re
+a novice to my hieroglyphics, Victor: you don’t know the world in
+masquerade; yet it’s a very necessary science to learn. But here
+comes a chaise: you must squeeze your horse close into the hedge, or
+there’ll be no room to pass.”
+
+The vehicle now approached, drove by a fat elderly woman; beside
+whom were stuck her two full-moon-faced daughters, in plebeian pomp,
+dressed in all the gaiety of presbyterian pride. She bowed, and
+immediately stopped her horse to facilitate our passing.
+
+“Good-morrow, Ma’am,” said my uncle: “I hope you are going to London
+to obtain an act of parliament for _widening_ this road, since you’ve
+set up your _chaise_; it’s well enough to bump along in a _cart_; and
+where a man’s got his _bread_ dependant, like _your husband_, why,
+the width of the road to _interest_ is of little consequence.”
+
+“I assure you, Sir,” answered the fat lady, “I am astonished the
+inhabitants don’t rectify such a _nuisance_; I wonder they don’t go
+to _law_ with the commissioners of the roads: I’m sure I’d readily
+_sign_ the requisition: a set of _confederating_ wretches!”
+
+“Aye; and, if they did not comply, you’d have no objection to lend us
+a hand to throw it into _Chancery_! Would you, Madam?”
+
+“Indeed, I would,” replied the lady, whose face flushed crimson. “I
+don’t mean to take things as I _have done_. Thank God! we’re out of
+_debt_ and out of _danger_.”
+
+“That’s a comfort,” replied my uncle. “There’s nothing like honesty.
+I dearly love to see the _bond_ of _generosity_ cancelled by the
+stamp of _gratitude_.”
+
+The lady’s countenance changed from a _pink_ to a damask-rose
+tincture; and, wishing us “good-morning,” her chaise whirled on with
+its _cargo_ of _hypocrisy_.
+
+“And, pray, who is that group, Sir?” asked I.
+
+“Why, it’s Madam Sponge and her two girls, whom the unexpected
+windfall of a few thousands has raised from the abyss of poverty to
+the comforts of affluence, which their pride and folly will soon
+reduce to their former exigence; while the innocent and generous
+benefactor, whose unsullied fame they _vainly_ strove to tarnish
+with the mildew of their calumniate breath, beholds, with the just
+abhorrence of every upright, honest man, the villainous principle of
+their corrupt hearts, and treats them with the sovereign contempt of
+_Virtue_ trampling on the _scorpions of Vice_, _invulnerable_ to
+their _sting_. We shall pass their newly-embellished hovel presently;
+and it’s a chance but we have a peep at the master, as well as the
+mistress. But let us trot briskly till the road widens, for it’s
+very unpleasant meeting carriages; and methinks I hear more wheels
+advancing.”
+
+Scarce had we attained the wished-for extent, when a miller’s cart
+approached; on the copse of which sat the miller and a farmer; both
+of whom bowed civilly, but spoke not; and the cart rattled out of
+sight.
+
+“I must again apply to your biographical book of knowledge, Sir,”
+said I.
+
+“Why, those two persons are Farmer Strut, and his son, Cloddy the
+miller, going home from market. You ought to have made a bow to him,
+to grind away all your sins; for, I assure you, he calls himself one
+of the _elect_.”
+
+“I don’t comprehend, Sir.”
+
+“That’s a sign you’re not _enlightened_, like Miller Strut. A
+methodist preacher turned his brains about seven years ago, and
+converted the sinner to the saint; since which, he infected the major
+and minor part of his own family with the religious mania; which
+contagion spread through great part of the village. The females of
+the family were easily persuaded to adopt their brother’s sentiments,
+but the elder and younger preferred their own opinion; while their
+father, the farmer, prudently considered there were more methods than
+one to pursue: he therefore suffered his wife and family to act in
+conformity to their feelings; while he rode up weekly to London, to
+arrange his _rag-shop_, see what _fish_ was best to fry, make his
+observation how the _grasshopper_ jumped, take a peep at the _fat
+cattle_ in _Racket-market_, and do a few convenient odd _jobs_--hear
+much, say little, _get_ all he could, meet old friends with old
+faces, which, for want of walking in his spectacles, he mistook
+for _new_ faces; for which reason he sold the _supposed masks_ for
+the paltry sum of twenty pounds--the worst day’s-work he ever did;
+precluding _all future grist_ to the mill. But Farmer Strut pleased
+himself.”
+
+“Silly man!” said I.
+
+“Aye; it is not every gander sees his own interest,” replied my
+uncle.
+
+
+
+
+CHAP. XV.
+
+
+We now jogged sociably on, calling at several cottages to distribute
+some of my uncle’s mites, surveyed the beauties of the surrounding
+country, and returned home to dinner, well satisfied with our ride;
+after which my uncle took a short nap to recover the fatigue of his
+morning jolt, and I amused myself by looking over the library, where
+I found the highest amusement, till he finished his snore; at which
+time we retired to make some necessary alteration in our habiliments,
+and, at six o’clock, set off for our visit to Mr. Macfriz, who
+received us very politely, and, like Dr. Tonic, introduced us,
+in the same form, to a room full of company and pictures; for the
+wainscot was so bedizened with the latter, that I could almost have
+supposed myself at the Royal Academy.
+
+The first lady to whom we were introduced was Mrs. Macfriz, a most
+diminutive, ill-built woman; who, when she rose from her chair,
+appeared to fall upon her knees: her features were extremely plain,
+and her complexion almost a woman of colour; her dress antiquely
+grotesque, and her toute ensemble disgusting in the extreme.
+
+Having gone through the ceremony of bowing and courtesying, we
+were introduced to the rest, in the following order:--Mr. and Mrs.
+Dashwell, Mr. and Mrs. Downright, Mr. Earwig, Mr. Undermine, Mr.
+Simon Undermine, and Mr. Consequence.
+
+“You’re late, gentlemen,” observed Mr. Macfriz, drawing his watch;
+“it wants but a quarter to seven.”
+
+“You are incorrect, Sir,” replied Mr. Dashwell, looking at his
+repeater; which example was followed by every watch in the room: but
+none cut so great a dash as Mr. Simon Undermine’s, decorated with
+three immense large seals, suspended by a flashy chain, which he sat
+rattling in his hand, like a baby with its coral.
+
+“Yes, indeed, I’m glad the gentlemen are come,” said Mrs. Downright,
+an elderly woman, the epitome of vulgarity; “for I’m almost starved:
+I uses myself so to drink tea at five o’clock, that I’m like our
+black cat--I always looks for it, as the saying is.”
+
+No person made any answer; and Mrs. Macfriz rung the bell, which
+produced two such high-piled plates of muffins and crumpets as might
+have victualled a small regiment; and Miss Macfriz was placed at the
+tea equipage to do the honours, to which her mama seemed incompetent.
+
+A fine Dutch piece, by Teniers, having attracted my notice, I could
+not help giving praise to the genius of that charming artist.
+
+“Yes, Sir, it’s a beautiful _thing_,” answered Mrs. Macfriz; “and I
+haven’t had a little trouble to _clean_ them all: this morning I was
+three hours mucking over them; for, being a _valuable_ collection, I
+never suffers nobody to do nothing to them but myself.”
+
+“That’s right,” cried Mrs. Downright: “you’re like me, as I
+say to my chuck, and there he sits--there’s nothing like doing
+things one’s-self: I’m sure I’d more plague and mess with the
+_chimbley_-sweeps this morning than enough.”
+
+“And what weather we had for our _great wash_ last week,” interrupted
+the lady of the house.
+
+“Well,” said Mrs. Dashwell, “those are things I never trouble my head
+about; my constitution is too _delicate_ to permit my attendance to
+household concerns.”
+
+“It’s lucky you’ve no _call_ to do it,” replied Mrs. Downright:
+“but I likes it; I loves to be notable; not as I’ve any occasion,
+as the saying is; for _chuck_ and I don’t want for _stuff_. We have
+worked hard; both pulled the same way, and _scrope_ up a good bag of
+sweepings for our little darling, Jenny. We ben’t _musherroons_! No,
+no! We can buy our girl a husband any day. Can’t we, _chuck_?”
+
+Chuck grinned, and, distending his wide snub from cheek to cheek,
+gave lovey a nod of approbation, and sat twirling his thumbs, as
+dumb as an effigy: and the ladies having finished their _notable_
+conversation, Mr. Consequence began to expatiate on the various
+topics of politics; amongst which, arguments strongly enforced,
+and as strongly defended, the subject of city concerns took its
+rotation; on which he declaimed with great vehemence, supported
+by his neighbour, Mr. Undermine, who had been _mole-working_ for
+his friend, Mr. Penslow, on the late common-council election, by
+_ousting_ what he termed the _old_ and _useless_ members, such as
+had grown grey in the service of their constituents, expended their
+property in support of the rights of the situation, without deriving
+_one penny emolument_, and then receiving for their pains the base
+ingratitude of being denominated _deaf_, _blind_, or _superannuated_,
+which rendered them _ineligible_, according to the _new system_, and
+erased names from the _honourable_ list that would have honoured a
+much superior.
+
+As the controversy increased, the gentlemen grew warm; Mr.
+Consequence declaring, it was highly proper to elect new, young, and
+able members. “I headed the business in our parish last St. Thomas’s
+day,” cried Mr. Consequence, “and ousted an old _deaf_ member,
+who was laid on a sick bed, and, therefore, totally incapable of
+attending his precinct.”
+
+“Poor man!” said the humane Mrs. Downright, who possessed an
+excellent heart, which exhibited its virtues on many laudable
+occasions. “I think, Sir, _axing_ your pardon, you broke your ninth
+commandment most completely; for it was a very cruel action to a sick
+neighbour, if he was an honest member of society. My chuck wouldn’t
+have _ficiated_ in such a piece of treachery for the world: he’d have
+been ashamed of it.”
+
+“Oh dear! there’s no shame in the case,” observed Mr. Undermine.
+“My friend Penslow was a much more eligible man; and, therefore,
+we persevered, night and day, in our canvass, and succeeded to a
+miracle, compelling him to retire with _blighted_ laurels, because
+he would not resign, consonant to my friend Consequence’s _positive
+requisition_...”
+
+“Pardon me! pardon me!” exclaimed Mr. Dashwell; “Mr. Penslow’s were
+the _blighted_ laurels, torn from the pillowed brow of a worthy
+veteran to adorn his own, where they must fade, _unenvied_ and
+_unrespected_, as the emblems of corrupt _subtlety_; for I do hold it
+an unprecedented piece of _iniquity_ and _mean_ cowardice to attack
+an individual, merely because he is _defenceless_, owing to the
+affliction of Providence. For my part, I’m a common-councilman-maker;
+but I voted for no “jacks in office!”--not I.”
+
+“_Jacks in office!_” retorted Mr. Undermine, glancing an important
+look at his son Simon. “I hope, Sir, you don’t mean to insinuate,
+that _I_ am a jack in office!”
+
+“I did not make any such pertinent allusion, Sir,” replied Mr.
+Dashwell: “for, in fact, till you have brought it to my recollection,
+I had forgot your late lucrative _agency_; which, to be sure, in the
+literal sense of the word, is a _government dependence_, and thereby
+renders your situation _official_; which, if I am not mistaken, I
+have heard disputed, as a point of _ineligibility_--hey! What say
+you, Mr. Earwig?”
+
+Mr. Undermine, who had thus undesignedly knotted a lash for his back,
+because conviction popped the cap on his head, knitted his scowling
+brow, and, dropping his long chin an inch longer, while it quivered
+with passion, observed, “that any man who troubled his head with the
+concerns of another, in which he had no business to interfere, was an
+ignorant, impertinent fellow, who deserved proper correction.”
+
+“That’s precisely my opinion,” replied Mr. Dashwell; “for, I am well
+persuaded, one-half of your _city meddlers_ had better attend to
+their counting-houses, than squabble away the precious hours that
+ought to be devoted to business.”
+
+“No doubt! no doubt!” cried Mr. Earwig; who, like his insect brother,
+always creeps into the best situation, and never crawls into a
+crab-apple while he can glide into a pine--whispers _impracticable
+promises_ into your ear, and slides his hand into your _convenient
+pocket_, with the same effrontery that he introduces himself to every
+great table; where, perching himself as near the president as an
+eminent stock of assurance will permit, he seizes his button, which
+he never relinquishes till fumigated with the effluvia of his snuff;
+and, bored with his ceaseless half-articulate Champaigne jargon,
+the disgusted auditor releases his _imprisoned_ button, and resigns
+his uncomfortable seat to the vice, leaving Mr. Earwig to buz his
+nonsense to some idle listener. Thus Mr. Earwig lives _cheap_, boasts
+innumerable invitations, _listens_ to the _commoner_, _sides_ with
+the _lord_, and loves all _great folks_ and _great feasts_--considers
+himself occasional _king_ of the _Rose in June_ and the _Canterbury
+Mail_, in which he makes frequent convenient excursions, when the
+_spice_ business does not require his attendance in London; and,
+being now on a visit in this village, chance jumbled us together.
+This intelligence I gained, in a whisper, from my uncle, who had
+known him many years.
+
+“I assure you,” whispered Simon Undermine to Mr. Macfriz, “father
+and I took a deal of pains to get in Mr. Penslow; which we never
+should have done, if the old member hadn’t been too close confined
+with the gout to hobble round the ward; or else it would all have
+been _dickey_; because he was a _favourite_ inhabitant, who had
+been _bred_, _born_, and _patronised_, as member of the court, near
+_thirty_ years. Egad! we’d tight work of it.”
+
+“I don’t wonder at that; I never heard of such a thing in my life,”
+said Mr. Downright, lifting up his hands and eyes. “But I hope the
+cruel disappointment didn’t kill the poor gentleman: I heartily hope
+he’s recovered.”
+
+“Oh, yes!” answered Mr. Consequence: “I’ve met him twice since,
+when I least wished it; and I hear he treats the matter with great
+contempt.”
+
+“Then, I say, he’s a cock of the game!” vociferated Mrs. Downright;
+“and I’ll bet a _farden_ he could put half his parish into his
+pocket; aye, buy ’em, out and out! A rich man has always more
+enemies than a poor one.”
+
+“Poh!” cried Mr. Undermine: “property’s nothing to do with the
+common-council.”
+
+“Egad! I believe you,” answered Mrs. Downright: “any thing does
+now-a-days, if they can but _kick up a bother_. Lord bless you! they
+all _squeedges_ in, in hopes of getting the loaves and fishes that’s
+given away, except my chuck; and everybody knows he wants nothing
+of nobody. They can’t say, when he was churchwarden, that he ever
+flashed away with parish property, as _many folks do_.”
+
+Here Mrs. Downright drew up her head, dragged her pearl satin gown
+two inches higher into her lap, and took a good bonny mouthful of
+butter-soaked muffin, desiring her husband to do the same, after
+spreading his silk handkerchief over his black sattins, which, she
+boasted, were her _own making_.
+
+This caused a smile from some, a titter from Miss Macfriz, and a
+_grin simple_ from Mr. Simon Undermine, whose cassimeres looked, by
+their dimension, as if he had borrowed them of Messrs. Gog and Magog
+at Guildhall, where Simon dearly loved to wedge himself in, along
+with his _par_, every Lord-Mayor’s day, to a good dinner and dance
+with the girls; for, being now a man grown, he was occasionally his
+walking-stick or coachman; with an excellent family character, as a
+very _nice_ young man, possessing all his father’s virtues, and in
+a fair train to obtain a wife, whenever he can meet with _plenty_
+of _money_; as none other need apply for that preference, who could
+not bring at least five thousand; and that’s barely sufficient to
+help supporting six o’clock dinners, a two-wheeled basket, and a
+four-legged factotum.
+
+Tea being over, the card-tables were adjusted, consisting of two
+whist, a speculation game, and a backgammon party, which created as
+much racket as the Stock Exchange, and highly perplexed Mr. Earwig
+and Mr. Dashwell: add to which, Mrs. Downright, who was on the losing
+game, kept repeatedly declaring she hadn’t got a _play-first_, could
+turn up nothing but the _d--’s bedstead_, shuffled nothing but
+rubbish and _Yorkshiremen_ into her hand, and should not win above
+two tricks; and, whenever her husband hesitated, “Don’t be afraid;
+_clap a piece of butter_ on it, my chuck!”
+
+Mr. Consequence and Mr. Undermine both played extremely
+unsuccessful, and thereby irritated their sour tempers; particularly
+that of Mr. Consequence, who had been all his life a member of the
+Snap and Snarl Club; for, though all the parish were compelled to
+bow to his decree, as its primary deputed guide and _guardian_, his
+sullen, morose, and disobliging temper rendered him much more an
+object of disgust than admiration.
+
+
+
+
+CHAP. XVI.
+
+
+Three hours had glided away amongst the contents and non-contents,
+when Mrs. Macfriz requested the game might be broke up to make room
+for the servant to lay the cloth, which was, of course, immediately
+complied with; and the table was spread with an inundation of spoons,
+glasses, silver goblets, and numerous etceteras; till the entrance of
+three immense capons, a leg of pork, a smoaking tongue, with sallad,
+vegetation, pies, and custards, wholesale, completed the set-out; Mr.
+Macfriz presiding at the _head_ of the table, Mrs. Macfriz took the
+_bottom_, and the guests were promiscuously seated.
+
+Now it happened to be the fate of Simon Undermine to sit next Mrs.
+Downright, who modestly requested the leg of a chicken; and wishing
+to hand her plate for that purpose, and enforce his attention, she
+gave him a violent slap on the shoulder, and exclaimed, “Come,
+cockey, hand up my plate--will you?”
+
+Simon, bursting with indignation at her vulgar and familiar address,
+snatched it rudely from her, and called the servant to relieve his
+lily-white _do-nothing_ of its incumbrance.
+
+“I could have done that myself,” said Mrs. Downright. “La! la! what a
+_tom bore_ of a young man you be, Mister; you should always serve the
+ladies!”
+
+Simon curled up his nose in derision, and turned his back upon her.
+
+“You sha’n’t be my son-in-law; you’d never do for my Jenny,”
+continued Mrs. Downright, giving him a second slap, which acted like
+an electric shock on his nervous system. “Be so good to give me a
+slice of that there tongue.”
+
+“I thought you had got some,” replied sulky Simon.
+
+“That’s well said,” answered his father: “few ladies are in want of
+that article! Ha, ha, ha! Well said, Simon.”
+
+Mrs. Downright, nothing daunted by the retort of any puppy whatever,
+jumped up, and fetched herself a piece of bread; observing, those who
+were too indolent to _get_ their bread ought to go without it.
+
+“Then I should soon starve,” replied Mrs. Dashwell, “for I could not
+earn mine now.”
+
+“Oh, there’s more ways than one of _yearning_ one’s livelihood,”
+replied Mrs. Downright: “if you could not do it one way, you _mought_
+another.”
+
+“But Mrs. Dashwell has no occasion to do it,” replied her lord and
+master, piqued at his gross companion’s _inuendo_.
+
+“That makes no odds,” replied Mrs. Downright: “what she _is_, and
+what she _may_ be, are two very different things.”
+
+“Well, I’m a very happy man,” cried Mr. Earwig: “I’m like a
+gardener; I can raise my _salary_ quicker than any man, and dispose
+of my _time_ as I think proper.” Then grinning at his own wit, and
+displaying his _amber dechements_, he actually hummed the O. P.
+dance, while his plate was refreighting with bonbons.
+
+“And I’ll tell you what you can do beside,” said Mr. Consequence, in
+an audible whisper--“you can get the blind side of one great man,
+and the _deaf_ side of another great man--eh, Earwig! you can do any
+thing but what you’re _wanted_, we all know.”
+
+This caused a general laugh; but Mr. Earwig swallowed it in custard;
+and it died away.
+
+At length the diligent Mr. Macfriz, wiping the pearls of notability
+from his face, ordered the fragments to be removed, and the wine set
+on the table.
+
+Various patriotic toasts having briskly circulated, the ladies were
+called on for their favourites.
+
+“Lord have ye! I’ve no favourites upon earth, but my chuck: however,
+I’ll give you a toast,” cried Mrs. Downright: “so here’s a health to
+the poor sick gentleman, and may he live to see those _turn’d out_
+who _turn’d him out_! I _loves_ a bit of tit for tat; but some folks
+_is_ like the hedgehog--love to worm themselves _in_, and worm others
+_out_.”
+
+The glasses of Mr. Undermine and Mr. Consequence were very sparingly
+replenished, which being perceived by the Argus eye of Mrs.
+Downright, she insisted on bumpers, which was very reluctantly
+complied with.
+
+My uncle proposed the addition of three cheers, in the energy of
+which applause he knocked off the foot of his wine-glass.
+
+“Never mind!” exclaimed Mrs. Downright: “I’d sooner make Mr. Macfriz
+a present of a dozen to-morrow, than lose the honour of my toast.”
+
+“Come, come! as we a’n’t in the House of Commons, gentlemen, I _begs_
+we may be all _unonymous_, and not reap up old grievances. Who will
+give us a song? None of my family were born skylarks; but I’ve some
+notion Mr. Simon Undermine can tip us a stave,” cried Mr. Macfriz.
+
+Mr. Simon, who was sitting at full stretch on his chair, with his
+hands, as usual, _tucked into his breeches pockets up to his elbows_,
+assured the company, in his silly way, he never could sing in all his
+life, though he had had the advantage of plenty of singing-masters.
+
+“How d’ye mean? how d’ye mean?” asked his father.
+
+“Why, haven’t I kept an aviary of Canary birds this _ever so long_?”
+replied Simon.
+
+“Pish!” said his scarlet-faced papa, shocked at his son’s nonsensical
+pun.
+
+“Oh-ho, Monsieur Canarie!” exclaimed the pedantic Mr. Earwig (who
+loved to let the world know he had attained a smattering of French,
+as well as a few _Irish bulls_); “vous êtes wit-ty.”
+
+Simon, abashed, sat silent; and, as I much suspected, my uncle
+pitched on me, requesting I would sing “Old Towler,” with which I
+unhesitatingly complied, and for which I received some very high
+encomiums from everybody but Mr. Consequence and Messrs. Undermine.
+
+Mrs. Downright soon afterwards found out she began to feel sleepy,
+and it was time for all honest tradesfolks to go home to bed; she
+therefore began pinning up her pearl sattin, which gave the signal of
+departure, and broke up the company.
+
+“I think old Mother Downright cut up the _ousters_ with a vengeance,”
+said my uncle, as we walked home. “To be sure, she’s a woman of very
+low extraction and rough manners; but she possesses an excellent
+heart of honesty and benevolence, and that’s an equivalent.” Few more
+comments passed, as the hour was late; and we therefore retired to
+rest.
+
+
+END OF VOL. I.
+
+
+Plummer and Brewis, Printers, Love-lane, Eastcheap.
+
+
+
+
+  TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE
+
+  Obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors have been
+  corrected after careful comparison with other occurrences within
+  the text and consultation of external sources.
+
+  Some hyphens in words have been silently removed, some added,
+  when a predominant preference was found in the original book.
+
+  Except for those changes noted below, all misspellings in the text,
+  and inconsistent or archaic usage, have been retained.
+
+  p12:         ‘had’nt’ amended to ‘hadn’t’
+  p18:         ‘out of of sight’ amended to ‘out of sight’
+  p70:         ‘bepoke’ amended to ‘bespoke
+  p95:         ‘bacheldor’ amended to ‘bachelor’
+  p120:        ‘fifteeen’ amended to ‘fifteen’
+  p125:        Archaic spelling of ‘desert’ has been retained
+  p184:        ‘valeable’ amended to ‘valuable’
+  p200:        ‘we’ll’ amended to ‘well’
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77997 ***
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+
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+
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+/* comment out next line and uncomment the following one for floating figleft on ebookmaker output */
+
+
+/* comment out next line and uncomment the following one for floating figright on ebookmaker output */
+
+
+/* Poetry */
+/* uncomment the next line for centered poetry */
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+.poetry .stanza   {margin: 1em auto;}
+.poetry .verse    {text-indent: -3em; padding-left: 3em;}
+
+/* Transcriber's notes */
+.transnote {background-color: #E6E6FA;
+    color: black;
+    font-size:small;
+    padding:0.5em;
+    margin-bottom:5em;
+    font-family:sans-serif, serif;
+}
+
+/* Poetry indents */
+.poetry .indent2 {text-indent: -2em;}
+.poetry .indent29 {text-indent: 11.5em;}
+
+
+    </style>
+</head>
+<body>
+<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77997 ***</div>
+
+
+<div class="transnote">
+<p>TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE</p>
+
+<p>Some minor changes to the text are noted at the end of the book.</p>
+
+<p class="customcover">New original cover art included with this eBook is
+granted to the public domain.</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<h1>
+<span class="fs140 bold">UNCLE TWEAZY</span><br>
+<br>
+<span class="fs80">AND HIS</span><br>
+<br>
+QUIZZICAL NEIGHBOURS.<br></h1>
+
+</div>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<p class="center">
+Plummer and Brewis, Printers, Love-lane, Eastcheap.<br>
+</p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+
+<p class="center">
+<span class="fs140"><br>UNCLE TWEAZY</span><br>
+<br>
+<span class="center fs60">AND HIS</span><br>
+<br>
+<span class="fs100">QUIZZICAL NEIGHBOURS:</span><br>
+<br>
+<span class="fs90"><cite>A COMI-SATIRIC NOVEL</cite>.</span></p><br>
+<hr class="r5">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="center fs80">IN THREE VOLUMES.</span>
+</p><br>
+<hr class="r5">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="center fs60">BY</span><br>
+<br>
+<em>The Author of the</em>  “<span class="smcap"><cite>Observant Pedestrian</cite></span>,”<br>
+<br>
+&amp;c. &amp;c. &amp;c.<br>
+
+<hr class="r5">
+<div class="poetry-container">
+<div class="poetry">
+  <div class="stanza">
+    <div class="verse indent2">“Holds to the world a picture of itself,</div>
+    <div class="verse indent2">“And raises sly the fair impartial laugh.”</div>
+    <div class="verse indent29"><cite>Thomson’s Winter.</cite></div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="r5">
+
+<p class="center">
+VOL. I.</p><br>
+<hr class="r70a">
+<hr class="r70b">
+<br>
+<p class="center">
+<em>LONDON</em>:<br>
+<br>
+<span class="center fs80">PRINTED FOR W. SIMPKIN AND R. MARSHALL,<br>
+STATIONERS’-COURT, LUDGATE-STREET.</span></p><br>
+<hr class="r5">
+<p class="center">
+1816.<br>
+</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter"></div>
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</span>
+
+<p class="center">
+UNCLE TWEAZY.</p>
+<hr class="r5">
+
+
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_I">CHAP. I.</h2>
+
+
+<span class="fs140">I</span>n the centrical part of a small village,
+not an hundred and fifty miles from
+the capital, resided my old uncle
+Peter Tweazy, one of the most petulant
+and unprepossessing of human
+beings, but so eminently endowed
+with the favours of fortune, that not a
+mushroom-picker or a plough-boy
+passed his gate, without dropping a
+bob-curtsey or a hob-nail scrape and
+a nod, if they could but discover the
+tip of Squire Tweazy’s red velvet<span class="pagenum" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</span>
+night-cap through any window in the
+house; or if that was not the case,
+they mechanically bowed to the gate
+itself; for they were told always to
+homage the squire, as he could, when
+he pleased, be bountiful to the children
+of indigence.
+
+<p>Petulant beyond all idea, he was literally
+a living monument of self perplexity;
+for having been crossed in
+love in the early part of life, he had never
+forgot the disappointment, and was
+now in his sixty-fifth year, the most
+ill-natured man in existence, and certainly
+one of the most unpleasant
+companions upon earth. If he
+frowned, every brow must instantly
+contract; if perchance he forced a
+smile, every body must dilate their
+muscles from a simper to a broad grin;
+in short, the whole world must conform
+to his humour, though he took
+especial care never to conform to any
+body’s.</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</span>
+<p>One poor slave in the shape of a
+housekeeper, who had patiently borne
+the yoke of his troublesome services
+thirty years, and old Geoffry, who
+officiated in the united capacities of
+butler, groom, valet, and gardener,
+composed the favourites of the family,
+with the exception only of Alice
+the cook, whom he boasted could
+alike dress him a turtle or potatoe in
+perfection, a qualification which few
+women possessed; and my poor
+uncle being a great epicure, Mrs.
+Alice’s culinary talents were highly
+prized by her master, which with
+the occasional promise of being
+scratched down in one corner of his
+will, as a reward for past services,
+made her doubly diligent.</p>
+
+<p>Now, though my uncle was excessively
+morose, he could, when the
+humour suited, be sociable with his
+neighbours; and as every one was<span class="pagenum" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</span>
+aware of his temper, they heeded not
+his petulance; all looked upon him as
+an eccentric being; the opulent admired
+him for his talents, which at
+times, when he liked his companions,
+he could most ably exert; and the indigent
+feared his frowns. So that upon
+the whole, his virtues counterpoised
+his vices, temper excepted, which
+overbalanced all bounds; but as people
+used to say, there was no knowing
+<em>who</em>  might become his heir, (having
+quarrelled all his life with the major
+part of his family, my father excepted,)
+and I happening to have been a
+great favourite with him when a school
+boy, I determined to try my luck with
+the old gentleman, and accordingly,
+self-invited, I formed a plan of passing
+a fortnight with him; and receiving
+his most gracious answer and
+assent, I left London with a full determination
+to <em>bear</em>  and <em>forbear</em> , and
+in thirty hours found myself at his gate.</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</span>
+<p>“How is your master, Geoffry?”</p>
+
+<p>“Much as <em>usual</em> , Sir,” and Geoffry
+sighed. I therefore concluded by the
+doleful cast of his countenance, that
+all was not right; however, he opened
+the parlour door, and in I walked,
+greeting the old squire, as I thought,
+very politely.</p>
+
+<p>“How d’ye do, good Sir? I’m
+rejoiced to see you.”</p>
+
+<p>“I guessed as much, nephew; I
+guessed as much, by your being in
+too great a hurry to <em>wipe</em>  your shoes,
+but I can assure you, my servants
+won’t <em>rejoice</em>  at the trouble of cleaning
+the hall; you have made more
+dirt in one moment, than I do in a
+year.”</p>
+
+<p>“I beg ten thousand pardons, Sir.”</p>
+
+<p>“Pshaw, boy!” (and he curled up
+his nose like a snarling dog) “that’s
+nine hundred and ninety-nine too many.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</span>
+Why exaggerate? Why talk nonsense?”</p>
+
+<p>“Wrong again,” said I to myself;
+“well, but how do you find yourself,
+Sir?” and I ventured to take a chair.</p>
+
+<p>“Why, I find myself every thing I
+should not be; a mere composition of
+pain and perplexity; every body and
+every thing conspires to torment me.
+How’s your father and mother, hey,
+boy?”</p>
+
+<p>“Charming, Sir, I thank you.”</p>
+
+<p>“Charming?” repeated my uncle
+with a sarcastic drawl, “that is impossible.”</p>
+
+<p>“I must beg leave to differ from
+you in that point, Sir; there are not
+two more worthy people on earth
+than my father and mother.”</p>
+
+<p>“Different people, different opinions,”
+rejoined my uncle, carelessly
+taking a pinch of snuff. “Any news
+in town, child?”</p>
+
+<p>“Nothing particular, Sir.”</p>
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</span>
+<p>“Aye, we live in a sad world; I’m
+sick of it.”</p>
+
+<p>“Very troublesome times, indeed,
+Sir,” replied I, most humbly acquiescent.</p>
+
+<p>“Not troublesome at all, if a parcel
+of foolish headstrong folks did not
+trouble themselves with what don’t
+concern them; but pray don’t talk
+politics in my presence; it’s a subject
+I detest. Well, but now you
+haven’t told how your father and mother
+do?”</p>
+
+<p>“Both well, Sir; they have sent
+you a turbot, of which they beg your
+acceptance.”</p>
+
+<p>“Humph! Why did they do that,
+child, when it’s the <em>only</em>  fish I detest;
+I can’t bear the very name of it.”</p>
+
+<p>“Bless me, how unlucky!” exclaimed
+I.</p>
+
+<p>“Not at all,” replied my uncle;
+“I shall make a present of it to the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</span>
+parson; he won’t think it unlucky,
+I’ll be bound; so it’s all mighty well,
+if it’s honestly <em>paid</em> for.”</p>
+
+<p>This sarcasm uttered with much
+gravity, gave my temper a fillip; but
+I swallowed the pill, and directing
+my eye towards the garden, I observed
+how delightfully pleasant it appeared.</p>
+
+<p>“I don’t think it looks pleasant at
+all,” said my uncle.</p>
+
+<p>“It’s a delightful day, Sir.”</p>
+
+<p>“By no means; it’s too sultry; it’s
+going to rain; there’s a nasty blight
+hanging in the air.”</p>
+
+<p>“Well, I’m no great judge, to be
+sure, Sir.”</p>
+
+<p>“So it’s a sign; you need not have
+blown a cracked trumpet.”</p>
+
+<p>“Why, I’m a cockney to be sure,
+Sir.”</p>
+
+<p>“So much the better,” said my uncle;
+“an honest cockney can never be
+a bad man.”</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</span>
+<p>Unfortunately, at this moment I
+happened to stretch my listless form
+upon the chair, and slid one of my
+legs across the marble hearth.</p>
+
+<p>“Mercy defend me!” exclaimed
+my uncle, “is that the new fashioned
+way of sitting on a chair, or are you
+inventing caricature postures? See,
+your shoes are sprawled over my
+hearth. If I had wanted the polish
+rasped off in that manner, I could
+have sent for one of my plough-boys.”</p>
+
+<p>I begged pardon, withdrew my truant
+foot, seated myself in an upright
+posture; but, alas, having assumed
+the indulgence of lolling my elbow
+on the table, and drumming a little
+stave of vexation with my fingers.</p>
+
+<p>“Boy! boy!” rejoined my uncle,
+“have a care; see how you are spoiling
+your coat, and ruining my bright
+table. What, are you making drumsticks<span class="pagenum" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</span>
+of your fingers, on purpose to
+render them as dubby as a cobler’s;
+dear me, how terribly troublesome an
+unthinking person makes himself for
+want of a moment’s attention.”</p>
+
+<p>The flush of vexation crossed my
+cheek, and I took out my handkerchief
+to erase the spots, which I began
+rubbing off.</p>
+
+<p>“Zounds!” exclaimed my uncle,
+“why, the fellow’s mad; d’ye think
+we have not something of less value
+in the house than a silk handkerchief,
+to make a dishclout of? Ring
+the bell; do, pray, if you can.” Not
+doubting my own abilities, I seized
+the pull and off set such alarum as
+might have roused the whole village.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle jumped up, stamped his
+feet, stopped his ears, and paced the
+room like a madman, till the vibration
+ceased, and old Geoffry stood
+bowing before him to know what he
+pleased to want.</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</span>
+<p>“My hearing, my senses, a new
+pair of drums to my ears,” said my
+uncle; “I’ll tell you what, nephew,
+in cool blood,” (though he foamed
+with passion,) “if ever you ring a
+bell again in such a manner in my
+house, I’ll knock you down; you’ll
+excuse me, but I shall certainly knock
+you down.” I bowed, and assured
+him I should for the future be more
+on my guard.</p>
+
+<p>“I desire you will,” continued my
+uncle, “or else you’ll plague my soul
+out. Here, Geoffry, see if you can
+find any thing in the house to rub these
+spots out with, except my best laced
+ruffled shirt; or if you can’t, my nephew
+will lend you the elbow of his
+<em>new</em>  coat, or a <em>silk</em> handkerchief.”</p>
+
+<p>Geoffry withdrew, and I again adjusted
+another erect position, but
+most unfortunately for me, he had
+left the door open, and my uncle requesting<span class="pagenum" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</span>
+me to shut it, I mechanically
+slammed it too with my left hand.</p>
+
+<p>“Plague take the fellow!” exclaimed
+my uncle, “I shall run wild.
+What d’ye mean by banging the door
+with one hand, as if God <a id="tn_12">hadn’t</a> given
+you two; one would think that you
+was a white-smith, trying to spoil all
+the locks, and wrench off the hinges
+to make good for trade. I never saw
+your equal in my life; for whether
+sitting still or moving, you appear to
+me to be committing perpetual depredation.”</p>
+
+<p>Oh, how I wished myself at home!
+My very chair was planted with
+thorns; but I remembered my vow;
+“bear and forbear, rebellious heart!”
+said I, and this silent soliloquy tranquillized
+my rising choler; but the
+reflection I was to endure it for a
+fortnight, almost conquered my determination.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</span>
+<div class="chapter">
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_II">CHAP. II.</h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>At length, after a pause of some
+moments, “Nephew,” said my uncle,
+“if you’ll lend me your arm, I’ll
+treat you with a walk round my
+grounds; you was always a promising
+lad, and I hope I shan’t be deceived
+in you. I wish to make your
+time pass pleasantly; I shall do all in
+my power to make you comfortable;
+I’m an odd man, but I must have my
+way; I shall pay well for’t in time;
+you understand me, boy; all’s in
+<em>your</em>  power, if you mind your hits.
+I haven’t made my will yet;” and he
+winked me a sagacious leer, intimating
+a sort of <em>cobweb</em>  promise.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</span></p>
+
+<p>We now proceeded to the garden,
+where, miserable to relate, the high
+narrow heels of my Cordovan Hessians
+so perforated the damp gravel, that
+wherever I trod, an ungracious cavity
+marked the spot, which the vigilant
+eye of my uncle soon discovered, and
+he halloed with the vehemence of a
+Stentor, for Geoffry to bring the flat
+clogs, declaring that a mad ox could
+not have done him more mischief.</p>
+
+<p>In vain I apologized; he looked as
+sulky as a bear, and requested I’d
+pluck him half a dozen peaches; the
+fruit looked tempting, and I obeyed
+his command; but lo, when he came
+to <em>pinch</em>  them, not one was ripe
+enough to please his palate.</p>
+
+<p>“Psha! what an oaf thou art,
+child! These peaches are as hard as
+iron; they are not worth a ——”
+the sentence I must not repeat, though
+I both heard and felt it.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</span></p>
+
+<p>“I <em>thought</em>  they were ripe, Sir,”
+and I cast a penitent look.</p>
+
+<p>“Never <em>think</em>  for any body but
+yourself, Sir,” and on we walked arm
+in arm, till we came within sight of a
+remarkable fine cherry tree, at the
+foot of which stood a short ladder,
+which my uncle requested me to ascend,
+and gather a leaf-full of cherries.</p>
+
+<p>Alert as a squirrel, up I mounted,
+and espying one bunch loaded with
+delicious clusters, I fixed my foot on
+a protruding bough, and had just
+got the tempting prize in my hand,
+when from some perverse fate that
+seemed doomed to attend me, the
+treacherous basis snapped under my
+foot, and precipitated me to the
+ground, bringing with me an immense
+branch, to which I mechanically clung
+for preservation.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</span></p>
+
+<p>Stunned with the fall, and smothered
+with the mashed cherries,
+though I had incurred no other injury,
+had you seen my uncle’s countenance,
+you would never have forgotten
+it; he stood petrified at the sight
+of his mutilated tree, but my broken
+neck or limbs seemed no object of
+consideration.</p>
+
+<p>“I am not hurt,” said I, picking
+myself nimbly up.</p>
+
+<p>“But my tree is materially injured;
+you have done me a guinea’s
+worth of damage in a moment.”</p>
+
+<p>“But I might have broken a limb,
+which would have been much worse.”</p>
+
+<p>“You have <em>limbed</em>  my finest tree,
+however, Sir; run into the house,
+and call Geoffry.”</p>
+
+<p>Off I bounded, but as I had committed
+so much depredation on the
+gravel, I ran across the lawn, where I
+had scarce set foot, when my uncle’s<span class="pagenum" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</span>
+terrific vociferation to “come off,
+come off,” arrested my pace.</p>
+
+<p>“What the devil are you galloping
+like a race-horse over the lawn
+for? Go round by the shrubbery, and
+up the espalier walk, you Sir, d’ye
+hear?”</p>
+
+<p>I obeyed his mandate, and springing
+from the lawn, I took the premised
+direction; but I had not proceeded
+ten yards before the crown of my
+hat caught the branch of a low standard
+apricot, and knock off a cluster
+of seven, which rolled in golden balls
+at my feet.</p>
+
+<p>“The devil has certainly bewitched
+me,” said I, stooping to pick up the
+fruit, when a plaguy officious pug
+dog, who was at that moment making
+towards me, ran between my feet;
+and losing my equilibrium, I pitched
+heels over head, and dashed off a fine
+young nonpareil espalier at one crash.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</span></p>
+
+<p>Dismayed with vexation, I had only
+to pick up the apricots, which I
+thought most prudent to put <a id="tn_18">out of
+sight</a>, by swallowing them as fast
+as possible; but with the espalier I
+could do nothing without the advice
+and assistance of Geoffry, though,
+thank heaven, my uncle was out of
+sight of my dilemma, and being pretty
+expeditious in my motions, I soon
+reached the hall door, where my unlucky
+stars again clashed in conjunction,
+for turning round rather too
+sharp, my elbow struck one of the
+crown glass panes, and shivered it
+completely.</p>
+
+<p>Poor Geoffry stood a statue of astonishment
+and despair. “Master
+will never forgive you, Sir for sartin
+sure; they panes bees a guineas
+a-piece; dear heart! dear heart! what
+a mishap!”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</span></p>
+
+<p>I then briefly related the accident
+of the cherry and espalier trees, the
+latter of which he assured me he
+would endeavour to repair, provided
+it did not meet the old gentleman’s
+eye, “for which reason I shall
+persuade him to return to the house
+as fast as possible, for fear of rain,”
+said Geoffry.</p>
+
+<p>“Is you master always so ill tempered
+and snappish?” asked I.</p>
+
+<p>“I have never seen him otherwise
+these thirty years,” replied Geoffry,
+as we quickened our pace down the
+portentous espalier walk, where lay the
+levelled nonpariel, which he gave me
+hopes of being able to replace without
+discovery. “But the pane of glass,”
+continued he, “how shall we get over
+that? We must not lay it on the dog;
+Master knows better, and never forgives
+a lie.” We therefore agreed he
+should fetch the glazier, and I pay<span class="pagenum" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</span>
+the expence, as the best mode of
+preventing anger.</p>
+
+<p>By this time we were in sight of my
+uncle, who was busily picking off the
+cherries from the broken branch, and
+soliloquizing with numerous oaths on
+my aukwardness in a muttering tone,
+as we approached.</p>
+
+<p>“Here’s a pretty job!” exclaimed
+he; “here’s a pretty concern!”</p>
+
+<p>“It might have been worse, Sir,”
+said Geoffry scratching his head.
+“The gentleman might have broke
+his neck! Lack a daisey, Sir, never
+care about it; it has saved me the
+trouble of lopping next autumn; for
+it must have come off; it’s all seer
+wood, so of a bad job, I think it turns
+out a good one.”</p>
+
+<p>“What signifies what you think?”
+replied my uncle. “I think you talk
+like an old fool; clear it away out of
+my sight; it will be a memorial to<span class="pagenum" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</span>
+me of my nephew’s aukwardness as
+long as I live.”</p>
+
+<p>“This has indeed been one of the
+perplexing hours of my existence,”
+replied I, “but I hope I shall be able,
+my dear Sir, to make you amends.”</p>
+
+<p>“Psha! that’s mighty unlikely,”
+retorted he; “and as for <em>hoping</em> 
+about it, hope won’t mend my tree;
+hopes are cobwebs dangling in the
+air, possessing just as much substance
+as their texture.”</p>
+
+<p>Poor old Geoffry, who plainly discerned
+the black cloud that deepened
+his master’s brow, and dreaded the
+second part of the storm, gave me a
+jog of the elbow, and a significant
+wink, and with a face of much earnest
+enquiry, thus addressed him:</p>
+
+<p>“Pray, Sir, did you leave the hall
+door open?”</p>
+
+<p>“Perhaps I might; I believe I did;
+why, what of that?”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</span></p>
+
+<p>“Why then, Sir,” continued Geoffry,
+winking with both his eyes, “it
+has slapped too with the <em>wind</em>  or
+<em>somehow</em> , and dashed a pane of glass
+all to shivers.”</p>
+
+<p>“Impossible!” cried my uncle; “totally
+impossible, if the wind blew a
+hurricane from every point of the compass,
+it could not break that glass.”</p>
+
+<p>“But it could slam the door, I
+suppose,” rejoined Geoffry, who had
+now triumphantly carried his point,
+“for I’ll swear, please your honour,
+I found it in that state; it made noise
+enough, and neither I or the maids
+were near it, and you and Mr. Victor
+were in the garden. So, in short, Sir,
+it must be your own fault, I’m sure.
+The gentleman saw all the broken
+glass, and was as flustered like as I
+was; wasn’t you, Sir?”</p>
+
+<p>This appeal demanded as ingenious
+a reply as Geoffry had hatched<span class="pagenum" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</span>
+to save anger, and I therefore vehemently
+asserted that I <em>saw</em>  the disaster,
+and it really did appear incredulous
+that the <em>wind</em> should have such
+power, but such causes and effects
+would occasionally take place in despite
+of all caution.</p>
+
+<p>“It’s a mighty strange occurrence,”
+continued my uncle, musing on his
+cane; “there don’t seem to be any
+wind stirring.”</p>
+
+<p>“Oh, yes, there is; and it’s going
+to blow up rain in a few minutes;
+lauk, Sir, you haven’t got your hat
+on; you had better return to the
+house the way you came, and shew
+Mr. Victor the rest of the grounds to-morrow
+morning.”</p>
+
+<p>“Well, I believe that will be the
+best way, Geoffry, for I’m horridly
+bored with perplexities this morning;
+come, Victor, give me your arm;
+there, gently! Don’t walk so fast;
+you’ll pull me down.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</span></p>
+
+<p>We now crept on a funeral pace,
+he grumbling at his own supposed
+carelessness, and execrating the wind,
+I secretly laughing in my sleeve, and
+admiring the ingenuity of old Geoffry,
+who out of three troubles had
+relieved me of two most consequential
+ones.</p>
+
+<p>The mutilated pane proved the
+next source of perplexity, and Geoffry
+was dispatched down the village
+to fetch the glazier, who soon repaired
+the damage, and all was right.</p>
+
+<p>Dinner shortly after made its appearance,
+and with it commenced my
+further vexations. A carp bone first
+stuck in my throat to torment me,
+and in a paroxysm of strangulation
+attempting to swallow some beer, I
+threw it all over the tablecloth.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle execrated my aukwardness,
+and observed my bread lay on
+the wrong side of my plate, which<span class="pagenum" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</span>
+those who studied men and manners
+ought to know; but some <em>never</em>  arrived
+at the age of discretion.</p>
+
+<p>With such like taunts, the fish and
+fowl was removed for a supply of
+tarts and jellies, both which I should
+have managed extremely well, if
+a new plague, in the shape of a codling
+dumpling, (my uncle’s most favourite
+dish) had not made its appearance,
+to dress which my uncle requested
+me to hand him a little melted
+butter, which with my usual alacrity
+I whipped into the cavity of the
+dumpling, to the great dismay of my
+uncle, who precipitately exclaimed,
+“It’s anchovy sauce, by G—d. Take
+it out of my sight; clear the table,
+and let me starve;” then rising abruptly,
+“if you can’t say grace,
+nephew, let Geoffry repeat it over
+the dumpling.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</span></p>
+
+<p>“The tureens being covered, Sir, I
+really did not perceive the difference
+of the sauces. I sincerely beg pardon;
+but in my zeal to serve you I
+confess I have committed a most provoking
+mistake,” said I.</p>
+
+<p>“Aye, it’s that plaguy zeal, as you
+call it, that does so much mischief.
+I little thought, when I stood sponsor
+for you, what a clumsy fellow
+you’d make. I’m sure you’re old
+enough to know better; I believe by
+my chronological book you’re three
+and twenty.”</p>
+
+<p>I bowed; “It’s a true bill, Sir, indeed.”</p>
+
+<p>“I’m sorry for it,” rejoined my
+uncle; “for it bears a very bad stamp
+for <em>value received</em> .”</p>
+
+<p>“Dear Sir, I’m the most volatile
+fellow upon earth; my heart’s the
+very mansion of peace and content,
+and I would not willingly injure a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</span>
+worm; Providence has blest me with
+an eminent share of health, and I dare
+say I shall never look grave till I’m
+in love.”</p>
+
+<p>My uncle groaned! I had forgot
+myself, and by endeavouring to exculpate
+my error, I had launched into
+a much greater, which nothing but
+his groan would have brought to my
+recollection; and a profound silence
+in consequence ensued, during which
+pause I had stedfastly fixed my eyes
+on my uncle’s countenance, which
+displayed a complete portrait of misanthropy:
+his long white eye-brows
+shaded his downcast eye half an inch
+lower than usual; and his protending
+under lip seemed quivering with
+some inarticulate sentence, while I
+sat petrified at the visible agitation I
+had unintentionally caused; at length
+starting from his reverie:—</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</span></p>
+
+<p>“Love,” cried he, “Victor, my
+boy, is either the supreme source of
+earthly bliss, or the severest calamity
+of heaven; to me, alas! perhaps, you
+know, it has proved an unrooted
+thorn, rankling my peace of mind,
+and almost subduing the principles
+of philanthropy I once possessed;
+’tis that has rendered me petulant,
+’tis that has tinctured the cup of life
+with bitterest gall. Perhaps, you
+never heard the particulars, but some
+evening I’ll endeavour to relate them
+as a lesson to you; till when, don’t
+again start the subject.”</p>
+
+<p>While I was thanking him for his
+intended confidence, to which I promised
+to pay strict attention, a loud
+ringing at the gate announced the arrival
+of some visitor, which broke
+the thread of an interesting subject,
+by Geoffry’s announcing Dr. Tonic.</p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</span></p>
+
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_III">CHAP. III.</h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Imagine a man of the middling
+stature, a complexion truly Egyptian,
+embellished by <em>two</em>  black eyes, not a
+pair, for one was constantly screwed
+up like an old woman’s money box,
+in consequence of a defect in the
+sight; a pair of enormous black
+bushy eye-brows, and a mouth wide
+enough to have swallowed his own
+pestle and mortar; though, in fact,
+beside <em>eating</em> , its chief employment
+was to retail all the news of the village,
+which the Doctor collected and
+disbursed wholesale; a black coat
+striped waistcoat, brown inexpressibles
+and boots, subjoined to a snug<span class="pagenum" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</span>
+brown bob wig, and a <em>cocked</em>  hat,
+which tending to add <em>fierceness</em>  to
+<em>ugliness</em> , completed his figure.</p>
+
+<p>A violent hem! hem! (loud
+enough to have raised instant annihilation
+to a nervous patient) and a
+profound bow added to half a dozen
+<em>swaggering professional steps</em> , brought
+him to my uncle’s side.</p>
+
+<p>“How d’ye do, Sir? How d’ye do
+to-day?”</p>
+
+<p>And down he sat <em>sniffing</em>  his nose,
+<em>snapping</em>  his eyes, and <em>distorting</em>  his
+features with a variety of <em>nervous
+catches</em>  and gestures, during which
+operation he had fixed his eye intently
+on me, which my uncle observing,
+said:</p>
+
+<p>“That’s my nephew Victor, just
+arrived from London, to spend some
+time with me.”</p>
+
+<p>The Doctor bowed. “How d’ye
+do, Mr. Victor? I thought I discerned<span class="pagenum" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</span>
+a family likeness, I declare; I
+shall be glad to see you with your
+respected uncle, to take a bit of mutton
+at my house. Mrs. Tonic and
+my family will be happy in the acquisition
+of your company, and if you
+are fond of music, my daughter Elizetta
+can give you a treat.”</p>
+
+<p>“Pish!” cried my uncle, and fidgetted
+upon his chair, while I assured
+the Doctor I would do myself the
+pleasure of waiting on him.</p>
+
+<p>“You won’t repent, I dare say,”
+replied the Doctor, “my daughters
+are devilish nice clever girls; hem!
+hem! e’ent they, Sir?” addressing
+my uncle, who, instead of replying,
+set up a ptisicky cough.</p>
+
+<p>The Doctor’s glove was off in a moment,
+and his Mulatta fingers (decked
+with five mourning rings, which he
+constantly wore as badges of respect,
+sacred to the merits of his profession)<span class="pagenum" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</span>
+were applied to the vibration of my
+uncle’s pulse.</p>
+
+<p>“Why, you’ll live to be ninety,
+squire; your pulse possesses the vigour
+of youth; but pray take your
+cough linctus; I’ll send you another
+pot.”</p>
+
+<p>“I won’t touch it, by G—d; I
+can’t bear the sight of it. Don’t I
+always tell you, Doctor Tonic, you
+and I should be much better friends,
+if you would not bore me to death
+with your medicine. Physic the
+whole parish, and welcome; but you
+nor any man alive shall physic me.
+Nature gave me the cough, and nature’s
+like to take it away.”</p>
+
+<p>“Well, well; hem! hem! every
+man in his humour,” answered the
+Doctor; “I only spoke for your
+relief,” and his cheek assumed a
+brickdust tinge.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</span></p>
+
+<p>“Why don’t you prescribe your
+self a glass of Madeira?” said my
+uncle; “fill the Doctor a bumper,
+nephew.”</p>
+
+<p>I obeyed; the Doctor cocked his
+<em>game</em>  eye at it; clicked his tongue,
+nodded his approbation, sipped again,
+and then finished it in a slow gulph.</p>
+
+<p>“Capital! capital! the best wine
+I’ve tasted a long time. Hem! hem!
+had some tolerably fair though at the
+young fox-hunter’s t’other day; egad!
+Sir, we finished fifteen bottles among
+seven of us. Hem! hem! pretty
+fair dose; had a d—d head-ache
+next morning; took a little hiera
+picra; got myself all alive again;
+tough, Sir, tough;” and the Doctor
+began to unbutton his coat, and swell
+a little. “Wasn’t a partaker of the
+sports of the field, because I was engaged
+attending Lady Faddle’s whitlow;
+but I do assure you I made up<span class="pagenum" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</span>
+for it over the haunch; fat three inches
+deep, upon my soul, and every
+mouthful flavoured by a glass of claret;
+and if, by the bye, we should ever
+be fortunate enough to have a <em>heir</em>  in
+the family, the squire swears he’ll
+dress a turtle on the occasion, and
+have the boy <em>christened</em>  in the <em>shell</em> 
+afterwards. Hah! hah! hah.”</p>
+
+<p>“Come, come, to order, Doctor,”
+said my uncle; “don’t laugh so loud;
+I ee’nt in the humour to laugh; help
+yourself to another glass.”</p>
+
+<p>The Doctor didn’t want twice
+asking, but tossed down another
+bumper; then turning to my uncle,
+and applying his mouth close to his
+ear, he in an audible whisper exclaimed,
+“Have you heard Miss P——’s
+adventure with the young officer?”</p>
+
+<p>“Not I;” answered my uncle
+peevishly; “I never attend to any
+body’s adventures but my own, and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</span>
+that’s quite enough for any man, I’m
+sure.”</p>
+
+<p>“Nay, but my good Sir,” resumed
+the Doctor, “a man cannot stop his
+ears.”</p>
+
+<p>“But perhaps you could for him,”
+interrupted my uncle; “for I’m sure if
+you roar as loud to every body as you
+do to me, you’re enough to stun a
+whole parish.”</p>
+
+<p>“Well, well; hem! hem! I’ll modulate
+my tone,” continued the Doctor,
+“for I must tell you the news;
+of course, you know there was a ball
+last night at the Dolphin?” My uncle
+nodded.</p>
+
+<p>“Well, Sir, Miss P—— was there
+in her usual style of flirtation, and
+egad! picked up a young officer of
+dragoons, who happened to be a sojourner
+at the Dolphin, and danced
+with him the whole evening; lost her
+shoe, fainted away in his arms twice<span class="pagenum" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</span>
+(for the pleasure of being restored by
+his caresses, as every body allowed,)
+and in short, rendered herself extremely
+ridiculous. Well, Sir, but
+how did it finish?”</p>
+
+<p>“Why how the d——l should I
+know?” exclaimed my uncle.</p>
+
+<p>“Then, Sir, I’ll just explain.
+When the ball broke up, it happened
+to be four o’clock in the morning, and
+of course, the captain could do no
+less than see his fair partner safe home;
+he had tied his fine cambric handkerchief
+over her head to prevent cold,
+and just as they reached her father’s
+door, before they rapped; observe
+you, before they attempted to lift
+the rapper; Sir, my gardener unexpectedly
+crossing an opposite style,
+espied the Captain in the very act of
+——” Here the Doctor was seized
+with a sudden tickling in the œsophagus;
+from what cause I could not define.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</span></p>
+
+<p>“Why, the story seems to choak
+you, Doctor,” said my uncle sarcastically;
+“you had better not explain
+any farther clap a plaister over the
+sore part.”</p>
+
+<p>“There happens to be no sore part
+in the case,” replied the Doctor;
+“but as I was observing, the Captain
+was in the act of——.” Again the
+tickling strangled the remainder of
+the sentence, which so provoked my
+uncle, whose patience and credibility
+were alike exhausted, that he petulantly
+exclaimed:</p>
+
+<p>“D—— the act, as you call it, and
+the cough too; why don’t you take
+some of your specific linctus you recommended
+me just now?”</p>
+
+<p>Poor Doctor Tonic, after hem!
+hem! hemming a score times, (every
+volley of which acted as an electric
+shock on my uncle’s nerves,) thus
+continued, much to the gratification
+of my curiosity, to know what <em>act</em>  the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</span>
+Captain and Miss P—— were engaged
+in, that could excite the Doctor’s
+attention, and so eager repetition, as
+caused him to choak before he could
+explain it. “Sir,” resumed the Doctor,
+“the action I mean to explain
+was a <em>liberty</em> ; yes, Sir, a daring open
+liberty by broad day-light; the very
+sun shone upon them at the moment.”</p>
+
+<p>“What moment?” said my uncle,
+staring aghast.</p>
+
+<p>“Why, at the very moment, he was
+kissing her hand, after drawing off
+her glove, which my gardener positively
+saw him put into his pocket.
+There now, what d’ye think of that?
+what do you think of that? hey!
+squire, hey?”</p>
+
+<p>“Wheugh!” cried my uncle, setting
+up a whistle of derision, “if
+that’s the summum-bonum of the
+story, I am clearly of opinion it’s one
+of your <em>village fudges</em> ; you’ll excuse<span class="pagenum" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</span>
+me; but in the first place, I never
+<em>believe</em>  what I <em>hear</em> , and always <em>doubt</em> 
+what I <em>see</em> .”</p>
+
+<p>“Hem! hem! that’s being incredulous
+with a vengeance,” retorted
+the Doctor, piqued at the disbelief of
+his captious auditor; “however, what
+I have asserted is fact; my Daniel
+can prove it. I had it from him.”</p>
+
+<p>“Then give it him back,” said my
+uncle, “and, hark ye me! tell him he’s
+an old fool to gabble about a pack of
+boys and girls; if he’d been digging
+in your garden, he’d have been much
+better employed. Now, I warrant
+you have spread this pretty tale as
+thick as you would the cantharides
+on a blister. I’ll be bound every
+child in the parish knows it; and so,
+between physic and scandal, you continue
+to pick a living, by picking
+others. Don’t be so professional; don’t
+<em>probe</em>  too close; you understand me.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</span></p>
+
+<p>The Doctor looked confused, and
+my uncle poured him out another
+glass, and in half an hour the bottle
+was finished.</p>
+
+<p>By this time the Doctor’s best eye
+began to twinkle like a <em>star</em>  of a <em>wet
+night</em> , and after the ceremony of tea
+handed round by Geoffry, my uncle
+proposed his favourite game of three-handed
+cribbage, and down we sat,
+where the poor Doctor was completely
+eased of carrying home the weight
+of a crown piece, which not a little irritated
+his temper, and a light supper
+and a bowl of punch sent him
+reeling home at midnight under the
+protection of Geoffry.</p>
+
+<p>“Now, if he should meet Miss
+P—— and the Captain,” said my
+uncle, “he won’t discern any liberties,
+I’ll be bound for him, a foolish
+old dolt. The man has his virtues,
+I don’t dispute, and he has his vices;<span class="pagenum" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</span>
+in short, he is a complete <em>country apothecary</em> ,
+who knows every thing, and
+makes much ado about nothing; but
+you shall accept his invitation, and be
+introduced to his family; you know
+what he has said of his daughters;”
+and my uncle smiled for the first
+time I had seen his muscles inclined
+to relax.</p>
+
+<p>“And what do you say of them?”
+said I.</p>
+
+<p>“I say nothing; I leave every one
+to judge for themselves,” replied my
+uncle; “but come, the hour is late;
+the female servants are gone to rest,
+and as soon as Geoffry returns, I will
+shew you your bed room; for you
+must know I see all the candles out
+before I retire; but you shall have
+my light to undress by, and then I’ll
+fetch it away myself.”</p>
+
+<p>Geoffry now returned, and after
+the usual ceremony of fastening the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</span>
+hall door, wished his master good
+night, and decamped to bed.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle now began his usual
+round of inspecting every room in the
+house, to see no particle of fire remained
+alight, and I was deputed to
+carry the two candles, (one lighted
+and the other unlighted,) and
+stood centinel outside every door,
+that, as Paddy says, he might have a
+<em>clear view</em>  in the dark.</p>
+
+<p>We had examined six apartments
+in this style, when most unfortunately,
+in shutting the door of the drawing
+room, the wind extinguished the
+candle, and left us as motionless as
+two Egyptian mummies.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle vociferated a volley of
+execrations, while I proposed calling
+the servant to strike a light; but my
+uncle peremptorily refused, and said
+they were all snoring long ago, and
+should not be disturbed.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</span></p>
+
+<p>“Keep to the right hand, and take
+hold of my arm,” continued my uncle;
+“we must find our way up as
+well as we can; I’ll conduct you to
+your chamber, and you must tumble
+into bed, and thank yourself only
+for the inconvenience you have suffered.”</p>
+
+<p>“Do let me call Geoffry, Sir?”</p>
+
+<p>“No, Sir, I tell you once more
+you shall <em>not</em>  call Geoffry; so come
+along.”</p>
+
+<p>“But suppose you should fall,
+Sir,” continued I.</p>
+
+<p>“Why, then you must pick me up
+again. Why suppose things that
+may never happen? None but fools
+ever trouble themselves to <em>suppose</em> ; a
+wise man scorns an idea so incongruous
+to reason.”</p>
+
+<p>By this time we had groped our
+way to the hall clock, the exact contrary<span class="pagenum" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</span>
+direction to what we ought to
+have taken.</p>
+
+<p>“Zounds!” exclaimed my uncle,
+“we’re all wrong; we must face
+about to the left. I’ve hit my elbow
+a confounded blow.”</p>
+
+<p>“I was afraid you would, Sir,”
+replied I; “I’d give a guinea for a
+light. I hope you haven’t hurt yourself.”</p>
+
+<p>“What if I have?” answered my
+uncle snappishly; “you’re the cause
+of it.”</p>
+
+<p>Thus squabbling, stumbling, and
+poking about, at length my uncle
+found the door of my chamber, and
+with outstretched hands twirling in
+pugilistic attitudes, we caught hold
+of the bed curtain.</p>
+
+<p>“We’re landed at last,” cried my
+uncle, “and you must now shift for
+yourself. My room joins this; therefore,
+we are now safe; scramble into<span class="pagenum" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</span>
+bed as well as you can, and I’ll do
+the same.”</p>
+
+<p>A reciprocal “good night,” “good
+night,” ended our dark perplexity,
+and glad was I the day had finished,
+and put an end to my troubles.</p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</span></p>
+
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_IV">CHAP. IV.</h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>The next morning I was up with
+the larks, and down in the garden;
+for, as I understood my uncle never
+rose early, I determined to improve
+the moment, and try if I could not
+assist Geoffry in replacing the espalier,
+which, with my assistance and
+his dexterity, we soon accomplished
+so as to preclude discovery; and
+thankful was I to Geoffry for his ingenuity
+on that subject, and also the
+broken pane, for which I rewarded
+him with a crown, and we were reciprocally
+pleased.</p>
+
+<p>I then returned to the house, where
+I amused myself with a volume of<span class="pagenum" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</span>
+Petrarch for above an hour, till the
+hobbling footstep of my uncle sounding
+on the stairs, made me close the
+book, and offer him the salutation of
+the morning.</p>
+
+<p>“How have you slept, Sir?” said I.</p>
+
+<p>“Never worse; I’ve been pinched
+to pieces with the cramp.”</p>
+
+<p>I expressed my sorrow at the intelligence,
+but no soft reply seemed to
+palliate my aukwardness or seal my
+pardon; for he looked as cross as a
+cat in a passion, when her ears lay
+horizontal, and she spits at her enemy
+most ungracious.</p>
+
+<p>Breakfast was immediately served,
+and my uncle mumped his French
+roll still sullen; I ventured to start
+several subjects, but none agreed
+with his humour; for his only reply
+was a laconic snap of “like enough;”
+“may be so;” “should not wonder;”
+expressions which, in my opinion, always<span class="pagenum" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</span>
+tend to quash a subject, but
+never offer an encouragement.</p>
+
+<p>The breakfast equipage had not
+been removed five minutes before
+Doctor Tonic presented himself at
+the gate.</p>
+
+<p>“Here comes old Dose-um with
+some fresh species of scandal,” said
+my uncle; “I just wish he was an
+hundred miles off; for I’m not in the
+humour to listen to his gabble.”</p>
+
+<p>The Doctor made his entrée as
+usual, hem—hemming, winking, sniffling,
+bowing, and how-d’ye-doing,
+then slapping me on the shoulder,
+“you’re a sad chap, Mr. Victor; you
+filled my glass too often; got a
+wretched head-ach this morning.
+Hem! hem! don’t know how I got
+home. Mrs. Tonic read me a pretty
+curtain lecture, I assure you. Hem!
+hem! I just called to say we shall be
+glad of your company to meet a little<span class="pagenum" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</span>
+party to-morrow; dinner on table at
+three precisely; village hours to be
+sure; but we medical men must make
+our meals conform to our engagements;
+we’ll make you heartily welcome;
+my house is liberty hall. A-propos!
+I must introduce you to my sons,
+two clever dogs! fine fellows; Tonics
+to the back bone; chips! family
+chips! Sir, yes, yes, they’ve feathered
+their nests well, I promise you; let
+my son Bob alone for a <em>marksman</em> ;
+got a nice girl for his wife and plenty
+of the needful; a <em>Broomfield</em>  one
+stick and stiver, tight little heiress;
+no bad catch, hey?”</p>
+
+<p>“A very happy man, Sir, no
+doubt,” said I.</p>
+
+<p>“Aye, happy as a lark! Prosperous
+profession; d—d clever dog!
+be a physician very shortly. Yes,
+yes, the Tonics are the family to get
+cash; why now there’s my second<span class="pagenum" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</span>
+son, Dick, what has he done for himself?
+Married a ten-thousand pounder;
+there’s luck for you! But then,
+he’s a sharp shrewd fellow; wit and
+ability at his finger’s end! In short,
+he’s a Tonic, and I should not wonder
+if my girls were to be as fortunate in a
+pair of coronets. Who knows what
+may happen?”</p>
+
+<p>The Doctor now drew his watch;
+“Heyday! I’ve exceeded my time;
+my horse is waiting,” continued the
+Doctor. “Good morning, gentlemen;
+you’ll pilot your nephew,
+squire; beef and bottle at three, remember;”
+and in a censequentia full
+trot he left the room, crossed the
+hall, and swung his tail out of the gate
+in a twinkling.</p>
+
+<p>“The Doctor,” said I, “seems
+brim full of family consequence; he
+seemed determined to let me know
+what company I was going to be introduced
+to.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</span></p>
+
+<p>“The Doctor don’t want for pride,”
+replied my uncle; “it’s an hereditary
+legacy that devolved from his family,
+with the addition of a disorder called
+the <em>horse mania</em> , with which they
+were all individually afflicted; for so
+long as the Doctor could but ride,
+it was all he cared about; racing,
+trotting matches, or hunting, he was
+always cock of the game; but as he
+advanced in years, the infection abated;
+and the Doctor now contents
+himself with a knife and fork and a
+bottle at any table in the parish; but
+come, boy, let us equip ourselves for
+a ramble round the village, and I’ll
+introduce you to some of my neighbours.”</p>
+
+<p>My uncle now dashed off his red
+night-cap, and retired with Geoffry
+to his dressing-room, while I sprucified
+myself to encounter the killing
+eyes of Miss Elizetta Tonic and all<span class="pagenum" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</span>
+the village belles, who were no doubt
+bent upon quizzing the young cockney;
+but as my heart was extremely
+independent and perfectly in my
+own keeping, I sallied forth like a
+second <em>Achilles</em> , invulnerable, as I
+thought, at all points.</p>
+
+<p>No sooner was my uncle dressed,
+than he dispatched old Geoffry with
+the turbot as a present to the rector,
+adding his compliments, and he should
+call on him in the course of the
+morning; but before we attempt to
+start for our peregrination, I must
+give you the portrait of my uncle just
+emerged from the duties of his dressing
+closet.</p>
+
+<p>He was habited in an apple green
+coat, an embroidered waistcoat, black
+satin inexpressibles, fastened at the
+knees by gold buckles, a pair of which,
+in a quadrangular form, graced his
+shoes; his ancestorial cane was ornamented<span class="pagenum" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</span>
+with three gold enamelled sliders,
+surmounted by an amber head,
+the centre of which was adorned
+by a superb ruby, and was the terrific
+talisman of every crying child and
+dog in the village; a small low-crowned
+hat, (whose rim partook of no
+shape either round, three-cornered, or
+square, but something in the similitude
+of a warped oval pye dish,)
+bound with a narrow gold lace, was
+squeezed on over a full powdered tye
+wig, to which was attached a small
+bag, which positively rendered him a
+complete Bond-street caricature in
+the semblance of some famous tooth-drawer,
+while, as I contemplated his
+figure, I blessed my stars that I was
+not compelled to sport such a companion
+in the public walks of London;
+for in fact I felt such strong
+sensations of risibility influencing
+every muscle, that I dared not look<span class="pagenum" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</span>
+him in the face for several minutes,
+till I had conquered the troublesome
+convulsion of an inward chuckle.</p>
+
+<p>At length off we marched arm in
+arm, but as usual, I walked too fast;
+I sprung like a doe; I scampered
+like a penny postman; I walked like
+the motion of a sedan chair, because
+from the length of my step I heaved
+my body in such a violent manner
+that my uncle declared I lifted him
+off the ground at every jerk. I begged
+pardon (concluding my perplexities
+were again beginning, and mortified
+that at the age of twenty-four I
+should not know the proper use of
+my legs, without my uncle’s back-string
+as a check,) and of course willing
+to endeavour to please, I slackened
+my pace, and we proceeded towards
+a handsome red brick house,
+which my uncle pronounced to belong
+to Mr. Prolix, the village lawyer,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</span>
+with whom having trifling business,
+we called to adjust, and were introduced
+by young <em>Penna-Polygraph</em> ,
+the smirk engrossing clerk, into a
+sort of cat-swing office, crammed with
+all the quill and parchment treasures
+of the owner, who was counting over
+six and eight-pence from the hands of
+a poor peasant for a threatening letter,
+<em>three halfpence</em>  of which he refused
+taking, declaring them bad, “according
+to law;” but our unexpected
+appearance settled the difficulty in
+one moment, and the poor client was
+ordered to withdraw, while Mr. Prolix
+silently pocketed the fee without
+demur.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle, in his usual unceremonious
+way, abruptly introduced me,
+and Mr. Prolix in return bowed with
+stately consequence: he was a tall
+lusty man, of swarthy complexion, a
+short pug nose turned up close between<span class="pagenum" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</span>
+his eyes, and stuck in the cavity
+of a pair of cheeks that gave him
+the appearance of a brown cherubim,
+such as I have seen carved in oak
+over the altar piece of a country
+church; he begged us to be seated,
+(probably that we might take up <em>less</em> 
+room,) and after a few minutes conference
+on matters that did not concern
+me, we arose to take our departure.</p>
+
+<p>“You’ll take a glass of bounce this
+morning, good Sir?” said Mr. Prolix
+addressing my uncle with a low query
+countenance, mingled with the hopes
+of a negative.</p>
+
+<p>“When did you ever know me do
+such a thing?” replied my uncle;
+“No, no, I’ve no opinion of your
+morning dram drinkers; excuse me,
+but it’s no compliment; it’s a mere
+insult to nature; keep your bounce,
+Master Prolix, it sha’nt bounce me.
+Your servant, your servant. How’s<span class="pagenum" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</span>
+Mrs. Prolix and the young “cherubim
+and seraphims,” for methinks,
+“they continually do cry,” whenever
+I come into the house; aye, there’s
+your nursery peal commencing; good
+morning! good morning!”</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Prolix, whose bronze cheek
+mantled with a tincture of indignation,
+made no reply, but with a sullen
+bow conducted us to the door, and
+on we marched.</p>
+
+<p>“Why, you touched the lawyer
+pretty sharp, Sir,” said I, as we walked
+on.</p>
+
+<p>“Yes, I <em>bounced</em>  at him, sure
+enough; he knew he could not affront
+me more, though he has repeated
+the question fifty times. I hope I
+have now shamed him out of it; a
+glass of liquor may do to <em>bamboozle</em> 
+the wits of a <em>clodhopper</em> , but he forgets
+who he’s dealing with when he
+talks to me.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</span></p>
+
+<p>“Is he clever in the profession?”
+asked I.</p>
+
+<p>“Oh, yes, he’s a tight hand at a
+<em>will</em> ; for instance, he can entangle a
+major and minor legacy with the dexterity
+of a spider, and like Harlequin,
+transform an old woman’s <em>plum cake
+bequest</em>  into a chancery mess of <em>law
+pottage</em> , by bringing the <em>infant’s</em>  noble
+to nine-pence; and the <em>adult’s</em>  nine-pence
+to <em>nothing</em> ; so much for <em>law</em> ,
+equity out of the question; zounds,
+I hate lawyers as I hate the——”</p>
+
+<p>My uncle had scarce finished his
+ejaculation, when the rector came in
+sight, and we improved our pace to
+greet him. “Here comes one of the
+best men living,” said my uncle, and
+in a moment their hands joined in reciprocal
+union.</p>
+
+<p>“The Reverend Dr. Markwell,”
+said my uncle, introducing the venerable
+divine; “my nephew, Victor,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</span>
+good Doctor, whom you’ve so often
+heard me mention as an unruly dog of
+a school boy, but I believe he can hold
+a Latin confab with your reverence in
+tolerable style.”</p>
+
+<p>Doctor Markwell, the express
+image of benignity in form and feature,
+pressed my hand in the most
+friendly manner, and assured me he
+augured much pleasure in the prospect
+of my society, and concluded by
+observing his library was at my service
+during my residence in the country,
+which he hoped I should avail
+myself of whenever agreeable; “and
+to-morrow,” added the worthy man,
+“I shall have an acquisition to my
+family by the arrival of a young lady,
+who is placed by her guardian under
+my care, during his absence on a foreign
+tour. Mrs. Markwell is delighted
+with the idea, and we shall<span class="pagenum" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</span>
+be happy to add your company to our
+society.”</p>
+
+<p>I thanked him for his proffered civility,
+assured him I would avail myself
+of the privilege he so kindly gave
+me, and hoped I should not be an intruder.</p>
+
+<p>“The boy’s full of compliments,”
+said my uncle, “but do me the favour
+when you go home, to drink his
+health over a turbot you’ll find awaiting
+your appetite, and if it proves
+good, give him credit as the donor.
+Good bye? we have a few calls to
+make, and your time may be precious;
+We’ll look in upon you to-morrow.”</p>
+
+<p>Doctor Markwell now pursued his
+walk, and we ours, till we came within
+view of Lady Lustre’s villa.</p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</span></p>
+
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_V">CHAP. V.</h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>My uncle paused at the gate to
+gain a little breath, as the road lay on
+the acclivity. “And here,” said he,
+“I shall introduce you to a most amiable
+woman, the pride of the village,
+the patroness of suffering virtue; the
+real and sincere friend, who deserts
+not in the hour of indigence, nor fallaciously
+courts you in the day of affluence.
+Universally beloved by every
+class of society, Lady Lustre rises
+the pattern of excellence to her sex
+in general.”</p>
+
+<p>My uncle rang at the gate, but was
+informed by the butler her ladyship
+was just gone out in the carriage to<span class="pagenum" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</span>
+take an airing; we therefore merely
+left our card, and proceeded onwards,
+till in crossing through a small meadow,
+a dashing young man moved his
+hat to my uncle, who returned the
+salute; but neither spoke.</p>
+
+<p>“Who is that gentleman, Sir?”
+asked I.</p>
+
+<p>“A young tradesman in the town,
+the unexpected inheritor of a handsome
+fortune, left him by a rich old
+woman in the moment of caprice,
+who, if she had studied her duty to
+her <em>real heir</em>  a little <em>more</em> , and her
+brandy bottle a little <em>less</em> , would not
+have left a stain on her memory, from
+the <em>false promises</em>  she evinced, and the
+disappointments she entailed by her
+perfidious fallacy; for she was nothing
+less than a composition of deceit and
+avarice; the tear of the poor never
+bedewed her grave, and if ever one
+dropped from the eye of this said<span class="pagenum" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</span>
+young Windfall, whom we have just
+passed, it must have been the tear of
+<em>joy</em>  at his <em>unexpected acquisition</em> ; in
+consequence of which, he soon after
+brushed up his old ramshackle house,
+and held up his head with as much
+ostentation as any petty King; came
+up to London, and married a Miss
+Sterling.”</p>
+
+<p>“He’s a very fortunate young man,”
+said I.</p>
+
+<p>“He is, thanks to God and good
+luck,” replied my uncle; “but I knew
+him the height of my chair, when he
+used to be at the old woman’s house,
+fetching her snuff-box, carrying her
+work-basket, handing the toast plate,
+and, in short, performing all the various
+duties that children are required
+in the capacity of a little <em>dependent</em> 
+visitor, for which he was rewarded
+with a penny apple pye every market
+day out of the old woman’s pocket,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</span>
+little dreaming at that time of becoming
+the <em>Broomfield sweeper</em>  of
+her old bureau, from which sanctorum
+a mouldy half guinea had been occasionally
+drawn with much pomp
+once a year as a present to her <em>only
+heir</em>  and <em>namesake</em> , under the assurance
+that it was the earnest of <em>future</em> 
+favours, which at her demise was to
+constitute “<em>something very handsome</em> ,”
+which something amounted to a few
+old furrows, stacks, and barns, which
+not being exactly convenient to take
+with her, and well knowing him the
+<em>hereditary heir</em> , she did him the honour
+to tie up for life in the <em>immense
+sum</em>  of fifty pounds per annum, subject
+at the decease of him and his
+heirs, to revert to the said Mr. Windfall,
+whom she nominated trustee of
+this splendid bequest, much to the
+surprize of the whole village, who
+had heard her subtle promises, and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</span>
+repeatedly congratulated the young
+heir apparent, who, as the last of the
+family, and son of her favourite (but
+equally misled) nephew, had an undoubted
+claim both on her <em>conscience</em> ,
+honour, and gratitude, had she possessed
+either. Such was the woman,
+for I knew her well; and such the
+characters we are doomed to meet
+with in the world! Aye, Victor, my
+boy, those lessons of experience are
+very painful tasks to learn, but they
+bear a great moral.”</p>
+
+<p>“It is indeed, Sir,” replied I, “a
+great pity that our follies should
+stamp a blot on the tablet of that memory
+which should most revere our
+virtues; but so it often happens,
+through some idle caprice of the moment,
+or <em>insinuating artifice of subordinate
+foes</em> .”</p>
+
+<p>My uncle grated his cane along the
+sandy road in deep rumination for at<span class="pagenum" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</span>
+least twenty yards; then suddenly
+pausing, and striking it vehemently
+on the ground, exclaimed, “I have
+this moment fixed upon my heir, but
+I shall leave him an <em>Irish</em>  legacy.”</p>
+
+<p>“I don’t exactly comprehend your
+meaning, Sir,” replied I.</p>
+
+<p>“Why, Sir,” resumed my uncle,
+“I mean to give it him in my life
+time, that I may have the pleasure of
+seeing how he prospers; if he makes
+ducks and drakes of it, I shall know
+better how to dispose of the remaining
+crumbs; if he proves what my
+hopes and wishes should have, I shall
+die in peace, with the glorious satisfaction
+of knowing I have promoted
+his happiness, and rewarded his virtues
+by the comforts of prosperity,
+improved by his own diligence and
+prudence.”</p>
+
+<p>I don’t know how it was, but I
+heaved an involuntary sigh, an interested<span class="pagenum" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</span>
+one it certainly was, for my
+uncle had drawn such a picture, that
+I wished it my own portrait; but
+alas! I well knew I had little chance
+of success; and yet his momentary
+ejaculation puzzled me. A few minutes
+more brought us to the post
+office, where my uncle procured a
+shillings-worth of halfpence; “because,”
+said he, “whenever I go
+through the village, I pay toll to
+every child I see with a clean face,
+by which means, (as my rambles are
+extremely uncertain in their period,)
+there’s scarce ever a smutty infantine
+face in the parish, as you will presently
+see.”</p>
+
+<p>The post-master smiled, and observed,
+that the appearance of my uncle
+always spread such a contagion
+of emulative cleanliness through the
+village, that in two minutes after the
+first little pair of eyes espied him,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</span>
+every pump was in requisition; and
+so it proved; for we soon after met
+above twenty just returned from
+school, at all of whom my uncle
+scowled his eye-brows with a half-suppressed
+smile, as he dropped the
+expected halfpenny to each, one boy
+excepted, whom my uncle pinched
+by the ear, exclaiming, “you’re a
+slovenly rogue; you’ve not got a copper
+face.”</p>
+
+<p>The boy stared, and mechanically
+stroking his chin, as if to feel its
+composition; “I’m sure I’se got a
+feace,” said he.</p>
+
+<p>“Yes,” returned my uncle, “you
+have got a rare <em>dirty face</em> ,” then shaking
+his cane at him, “go along
+home, you nasty fellow; there’s no
+halfpenny for you.”</p>
+
+<p>The disappointed boy sneaked off
+with slow and sullen pace, hoping,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</span>
+as he leered over his shoulder, to be
+called back; but he was mistaken.
+My uncle never broke his word, by
+which means his advice or punishments
+were both effective.</p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</span></p>
+
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_VI">CHAP. VI.</h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>We had not proceeded far before
+we met the carriage of Lady Lustre,
+who would take no denial to our getting
+in and returning home with her,
+which politeness compelled us to do,
+and in a few minutes we found ourselves
+seated in her hospitable mansion,
+where a salver of fruit, sandwiches,
+and negus was placed before
+us.</p>
+
+<p>The urbanity of her manners, the
+sensibility of her conversation, the
+engaging gentility of her address, all
+<a id="tn_70">bespoke</a> Lady Lustre the woman of
+education; and though now in her
+grand climacterick, her company was<span class="pagenum" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</span>
+as fascinating as in the days of her
+youth; no uncouth county dialect, no
+garrulity marked her conversation;
+she had been bred in the school of
+gentility, of which she was still head
+pupil, and never was a more agreeable
+hour than we passed in her society;
+she had selected a little museum
+of natural and Asiatic curiosities,
+in which her taste was eminently
+displayed, and afforded to a lover
+of antiquity great amusement; we
+were also treated with the inspection
+of a pearl cabinet, richly ornamented
+with superb oriental china, which,
+with a pair of magnificent globes, a
+choice library of the most valuable
+authors, and collection of pictures
+from the most celebrated pencils, with
+a portfolio of proof engravings, constituted
+the amusement of the visitor,
+and displayed the genuine taste of
+the owner.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</span></p>
+
+<p>My uncle observed her Ladyship
+had made a very short ride.</p>
+
+<p>“I have,” replied she, “but I
+shall extend it bye and bye, for to say
+the truth, I went to call on one of
+my cottage pensioners, whom I found
+in the straw, something downcast at
+the arrival of two little strangers instead
+of one, as she is already the
+mother of five; and it is to order
+some caudle, a few requisites, and
+some broth for the children, that I
+have hastened back; but I shall call
+again in the evening, and I hope to
+find her in better spirits.”</p>
+
+<p>I saw a tear of feeling start in my
+uncle’s eye, and slipping a guinea
+into the hand of Lady Lustre, he entreated
+she would give it to the cottager.
+Her Ladyship seemed highly
+pleased, and wishing her good morning,
+we returned home, as my uncle
+seemed to feel himself rather fatigued.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</span></p>
+
+<p>The ceremony of dinner passed over
+happily for me, without any more
+blunders on my part; the conversation
+of my uncle (whose peevish
+humour seemed to relax,) grew more
+pleasant; and he would I believe
+have given me the promised detail of
+his sorrows, if another visit from Doctor
+Tonic had not interrupted him.</p>
+
+<p>“D’ye want a hand at a game of
+crib?” asked the Doctor popping in
+his head, with one eye directed <em>east</em> 
+and the other <em>west</em> .</p>
+
+<p>“If you are come to take your
+crown revenge,” said my uncle, “sit
+down, and well accept your challenge.”</p>
+
+<p>“Hem! hem! I’m in a lazy humour
+to-night, fit for nothing; just
+called in at the manor, and egad!
+nothing would serve the squire but a
+fresh bottle of port, which was so prime
+that somehow the butler had drawn<span class="pagenum" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</span>
+a second cork before I was aware of
+it. Sad dog that young squire!
+had a design upon me, I do believe.
+Ecod, Sir, I had great difficulty to
+find the park gate, but I’ve been
+home, taken a few antidotal drops,
+and had a sound nap in my elbow
+chair; and now I’m just the thing for
+a chat or a rubber.”</p>
+
+<p>“And if any body meets with an
+accident, and requires your assistance?”
+said my uncle.</p>
+
+<p>“Why then I’m engaged with a
+<em>patient</em> , and my son Bob must officiate.
+Hem! hem! Why, if I was to
+gallop after every patient’s whims, I
+might ride twenty miles after a cut
+finger or a chilblain. No, no, always
+send Bob to the fanciful squad. How
+d’ye think now I was served the night
+before last? A servant rapped at the
+door about eleven o’clock, just as we
+had retired to rest, and requested my<span class="pagenum" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</span>
+immediate attendance on his mistress
+Lady Flam, up at the Grove, about a
+mile and half off.</p>
+
+<p>“Much vexed at being disturbed,
+and my son Bob having had a hard
+day’s fatigue, I enquired what was
+her Ladyship’s complaint. He replied,
+“he did not know; but I
+must follow him immediately, and if
+I pleased, take his horse instead of
+waiting for my own.”</p>
+
+<p>Thinking the exigence was great,
+and Lady Flam being one of my best
+patients, (though by the bye a d—d
+whimsical one,) I hastily huddled on
+my clothes, and jumping on the servant’s
+horse, left him to walk back,
+and gallopped off at full speed. Well,
+Sir, the door flew open, and Lady
+Flam met me in the hall, dissolved
+in tears.</p>
+
+<p>“My good lady,” cried I, “what’s
+the matter?”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</span></p>
+
+<p>“Oh, Doctor, I’m sorry to give
+you so much trouble, but knowing
+your skill and humanity, do look at
+my poor dear little Sylvio, (the pug
+dog) who has been in fits these two
+hours, and prescribe something to
+restore him.”</p>
+
+<p>“And is <em>that all</em>  your grievance,
+Madam?” replied I, bursting with
+passion; “God bless my heart, I’m
+no dog doctor; throw a bason of
+water over him, by all means.”</p>
+
+<p>“Not for the world!” says her ladyship;
+“it would give the dear
+creature his death with cold.”</p>
+
+<p>“Not more so, Madam, than calling
+a Christian from a warm bed into the
+damp midnight air; but really, Madam,
+as I never studied canine maladies,
+it is out of my power to prescribe;
+my rest is very essential to
+me, and if you will leave the dog to
+nature, you’ll find her an abler physician<span class="pagenum" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</span>
+than I am. I wish your ladyship
+good night, and request you’ll
+let your servant fetch back the horse
+in the morning.”</p>
+
+<p>“Good God! how cruel! how inhuman!
+I could not have believed
+it;” exclaimed her ladyship, as I closed
+the door; and when the servant
+came to fetch the horse back, he informed
+me the dog was dead, and his
+Lady desired I would make out my
+account, and send it in. There’s a
+pretty job; I must have a consultation
+with her to-morrow morning; it
+won’t do to lose a patient through the
+casualties of a d—d pug dog.</p>
+
+<p>“I wonder you hadn’t contrived
+to make a <em>customer</em>  of the animal,”
+replied my uncle laughingly.</p>
+
+<p>“Oh, curse the dog! I saw he was
+dying, or else I would have sent in
+a few bottles to repay my trouble.
+Egad, if she cuts with me, I shall repeat<span class="pagenum" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</span>
+the story to everybody, to exonerate
+my credit; and, depend upon
+it, I’ll christen her Lady <em>Fitz-Pug</em> !
+Ha, ha, ha! that’s no bad one! Is it,
+Mr. Victor? Yes, I will, I will, by
+G—d!”</p>
+
+<p>“Have a care, Doctor,” said my
+uncle; “the women a’n’t to be duped
+at all times; it is not every one that
+submits to calumny and insult with
+impunity; a fair reputation and a
+clear conscience is a fortune to any
+man, and the most essential passport
+of life.”</p>
+
+<p>“Hem, hem!” cried the Doctor,
+who did not seem to relish my uncle’s
+bolus so well as his own <em>Album
+Græcums</em> ; “we have all our faults,
+to be sure.”</p>
+
+<p>“True,” replied my uncle; “but
+how often do we acknowledge or
+amend them? The beam and the
+mote, Doctor, hey!”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</span></p>
+
+<p>“Have you heard,” continued the
+Doctor, “of the new inmate Dr.
+Markwell expects to-morrow? Why,
+I understand she’s the most beautiful,
+accomplished girl, that ever was
+seen; and as for weight, there’s no
+want of metal, I’m told: should not
+care if I’d got a few more sons to
+strike up to such a prize: sense,
+beauty, and money; three phœnixes,
+by God! What say you, Mr. Victor?”</p>
+
+<p>I replied, I could not possibly judge
+till I had seen the young lady.</p>
+
+<p>“Aye, but I shall see her the first
+of any man in the village, I’ll bet a
+bottle.”</p>
+
+<p>“May-be you’ll wait at the rectory
+door till her arrival,” observed my
+uncle. “I’ll tell you what, Tonic;
+you ought to have a pension voted
+you by the parish, for you are the
+village chronicle; you know everybody’s<span class="pagenum" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</span>
+concerns, but few know yours,
+unless they speak for <em>themselves</em> .”</p>
+
+<p>“That’s the beauty of it,” said the
+Doctor, screwing up his funny eye.
+“Hear, see, and say nothing.”</p>
+
+<p>“Say nothing of your <em>own</em>  affairs,”
+rejoined my uncle; “for I’m sure you
+hear and say enough of other people’s;
+so you break the adage, and
+yet pretend you abide by it. And,
+pray now, don’t you know who this
+said Miss Phœnix is? her birth, parentage,
+and education—life, character,
+and behaviour—eh! Doctor?”</p>
+
+<p>“No; I can’t find out the particulars
+yet; but I know she’s an orphan.”</p>
+
+<p>“Poor girl!” ejaculated my uncle;
+“then it’s well for her she has property,
+otherwise she’d meet little respect
+in <em>this</em>  village; and as to getting
+a husband, our young men are<span class="pagenum" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</span>
+<em>proverbial</em>  for marrying girls of fortune,
+with as little pretension either
+from <em>merit</em> , <em>person</em> , or <em>equality</em> , as a
+beggar has to a coronet. No disparagement
+to <em>your sons</em> , Doctor; but,
+upon my soul, what with their <em>interested</em> 
+motives of union, and their <em>unconquerable</em> 
+attachment to drinking,
+they may literally be styled ‘<em>The lads of
+the bag and bottle.</em> ’”</p>
+
+<p>“Ha, ha, ha!” cried the Doctor;
+“it’s a good joke, a good joke! the
+best I’ve heard a long time! Hem,
+hem!”</p>
+
+<p>“It’s a truism, however,” cried my
+uncle, “which you have my permission
+to repeat: I never say any thing
+I am ashamed of; so that every garrulous
+old woman in the vicinity may
+repeat it with as many embellishments
+as she pleases. A fig for scandal; I
+hate all tale-bearers.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</span></p>
+
+<p>“So do I,” said the Doctor, pulling
+up his frill, and rubbing his brown
+<em>spuds</em>  together: “they are a dangerous
+set of people; very much so, indeed.
+No man alive loves a bit of
+news better than <em>I</em>  do; but I detest
+you <em>fudgers</em> . Truth, sir, the naked
+truth, for Timothy Tonic. A-propos!
+pray, have you heard of a certain
+great man being gone to London this
+morning, upon an <em>unpleasant embarrassment</em> :
+in fact, I saw him get into
+the coach myself: I wished him a
+pleasant journey; and, with a very
+grave face, he answered me, “he
+much <em>doubted</em>  it would prove so.”
+Of course, I immediately <em>guessed</em>  how
+matters stood.”</p>
+
+<p>“Then you’ve only <em>guessed</em>  at it,”
+replied my uncle; “you <em>suppose</em> —you
+<em>imagine</em> —you <em>think</em> —you have
+an <em>idea</em> , on which collective fabric of<span class="pagenum" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</span>
+visions you build your assertion, without
+the slightest foundation.”</p>
+
+<p>“Aye, but I have my <em>suspicions</em> ,”
+answered the Doctor.</p>
+
+<p>“Pshaw,” retorted my uncle;
+“suspicion is the vilest imp of hell,
+worse than all the hellebore, aquafortis,
+and hemloch, in your shop: it’s
+the strongest poison upon earth.
+What! you a Doctor, and not know
+how to eradicate such a complaint;
+unless, indeed, it’s <em>constitutional</em> .”</p>
+
+<p>“Let’s have a rub,” exclaimed the
+Doctor; and thus the controversy
+ended; though, in my opinion, the
+man of medicine had received a very
+good <em>rub</em> , from my uncle’s incontrovertible
+truisms: and down to cribbage
+we sat; where, in about two
+hours, the Doctor lost fourteen six-penny
+games, and betted as many
+shillings with me on his own <em>superior</em><span class="pagenum" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</span>
+play, for he was reckoned the <em>best
+cribbage-player</em> in the village; but
+Fortune, being in a fickle mood, gave
+us the advantage of her favours, and
+sent the poor Doctor home, a second
+time, the picture of ill luck and vexation.</p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</span></p>
+
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_VII">CHAP. VII.</h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>The next morning a new visitor
+made his appearance, to give my uncle
+and self a very polite invitation
+to tea and supper the next evening.
+He was a comely, good-looking man;
+well-meaning, but no pupil of Chesterfield.
+Honest and hospitable, he
+had risen in the world from very low
+extraction; but, by diligent industry,
+had collected a comfortable competence,
+in a line of business in which
+he styled himself a <em>hair-contractor</em>;
+that is to say, in the more vulgar acceptation
+of the word, his profession
+was that of a <em>hair-dresser</em>; and he
+<em>contracted only</em> with hot curling-irons,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</span>
+frizzing-combs, and scissors. But,
+as he had now retired from business,
+it mattered not what he <em>had</em> been;
+and my uncle, who esteemed him as
+a good kind of harmless being, indulged
+him generally with a visit
+every Christmas: but having heard
+of my arrival, he had paid his earliest
+respects, to request the <em>honour</em> of my
+company, and introduction to his family.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle accepted the invitation;
+and after a few “So says he” and
+“So says I,” observations on the
+weather, the price of provision, and
+various other topics, too insignificant
+to detail, Mr. Macfriz took his departure.</p>
+
+<p>“I want to shew you men and
+manners, Victor,” said my uncle, as
+he closed the door; “for which reason,
+I shall accept all the invitations
+I receive. We’ve a variety of curious<span class="pagenum" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</span>
+characters in our village, I promise
+you; and I don’t doubt but we
+shall meet a rare party at the Doctor’s.
+Arm yourself at all points,
+both for conquest, or resistance.”</p>
+
+<p>I assured him I entertained no
+fears of captivation, as I had not yet
+seen the woman to whom I could devote
+my heart.</p>
+
+<p>“Aye, boy,” exclaimed my uncle,
+shaking his head, and sighing deeply,
+“you never saw Cecilia Delmond.
+But why does memory revert to past
+affliction? Amuse yourself, my dear
+boy, for half an hour, while I retire
+to my study.”</p>
+
+<p>I assured him I should employ the
+passing interval in writing to London.
+The word London vibrated on
+his ear, and he re-opened the door.
+“Add my kind love to my sister,
+and thanks to your father for his present;
+and, d’ye mind me, Victor, tell<span class="pagenum" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</span>
+them not to expect you home till I’m
+<em>tired</em> of your company.”</p>
+
+<p>Oh, oh! thought I, these are hopeful
+symptoms of my becoming a favourite,
+if my uncle’s humour does
+not change.</p>
+
+<p>It may now be necessary to inform
+the reader, that my name is not Victor
+Tweazy, as many people might
+imagine, but “Victor St. Alban,” my
+mother being own sister to my uncle,
+who never cordially approved of her
+alliance with my father, because they
+differed in political opinions; though
+my mother so far prevailed over my
+uncle’s animosity, as to persuade him
+to stand godfather to me, having lost
+three successive sons, and I, of course,
+being the rarity of the family; in consequence
+of which, he chose to give
+me the name of Victor, though he
+never would assign any reason for so
+doing: and whether my infantile<span class="pagenum" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</span>
+prattle pleased him, or what attractive
+charm I possessed, I know not;
+but I always obtained from him some
+token of encouragement as a schoolboy;
+and the emulative pleasure of
+being styled “a bright lad,” “a sharp
+little dog,” and such-like epithets (all
+which served as a stimulus to my
+learning), always rendered me more
+attentive to my uncle than the rest of
+my family: but having gone from
+school almost immediately to college,
+where I remained till I came of age,
+I had not been in the habit of seeing
+him for several years; and my father
+always stigmatising him by the character
+of “a <em>crusty old churl</em>,” “an
+<em>eccentric misanthropical being</em>,” I had
+never before troubled myself upon
+the subject of seeking his favours, or
+courting his company; till at length,
+by some <em>instinctive impulse</em> of <em>fate</em> or<span class="pagenum" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</span>
+<em>fortune</em>, I determined venturing the
+trial of a visit; and unfortunately
+finding him in a most peevish humour,
+and my star of perplexity happening
+to reign pre-eminent at that
+moment, our meeting seemed destined
+to be viewed through the jaundiced
+eye of reciprocal prejudice;
+though, in the ultimate, it proved only
+a junction of mere common occurrences,
+which my uncle seemed totally
+to have forgotten, and we were
+the best friends imaginable; the only
+difficulty remaining was to keep so;
+a point I flattered myself I could
+easily accomplish, by a little attention
+to his pleasures, and subordination
+to his wishes; the attainment of
+which would cost me nothing but the
+government of my own temper, by
+which I should receive, in fact, essential
+benefit.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</span></p>
+
+<p>I was just folding my letter when
+my uncle entered the room, exclaiming,
+“Well, boy, how d’ye come on?”</p>
+
+<p>“I have finished, Sir,” replied I.</p>
+
+<p>“Indeed!” answered my uncle.
+“Why, surely, yours must be the
+pen of a ready writer, or you have
+popped them off with a bob-short.”</p>
+
+<p>“I, in general, write very expeditious,”
+said I.</p>
+
+<p>“There’s no merit in that, except
+you were bred a short-hand writer,”
+replied my uncle; “though it is not
+exactly writing that captivates me;
+I attend only to the orthography; I
+can readily excuse a rough hand
+but to read a letter from the pen of a
+fool is agony.”</p>
+
+<p>“Very true,” replied I; “but surely
+orthography, like oratory, is a peculiar
+gift.”</p>
+
+<p>“It may, in some sense,” rejoined
+my uncle; “but a proper attention<span class="pagenum" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</span>
+to the system of education, subjoined
+to natural ability, is surely very essential.
+I know, for instance, a young
+lady, whose vanity flattered her she
+possessed abilities equal to the instruction
+of private pupils, in which
+capacity she had been engaged several
+years; when one day I accidentally
+pointed out to her notice a most
+beautifully expressive passage in a
+play of Shakespear, she negligently, in
+her flirting way, threw the book aside,
+declaring, “she detested blank verse,
+for, to say the truth, she could neither
+<em>read</em> it properly, nor <em>comprehend</em>
+it at all.” “And thou art a <em>governess</em>,”
+said I to myself, as in disgust
+I snatched it from the table; while,
+fantastically drawing a comb from
+her pocket, she placed herself before
+the glass, and flirted it through her
+hair, which, with all imaginable vanity,
+she braided and twisted into<span class="pagenum" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</span>
+due form, then, drawing her chair to
+an inch in full view of her imagined
+charms, threw her listless form into
+a fashionable sprawl before the mirror,
+where the constant direction of
+her eye was always fixed, denoting
+the weakness of her untutored mind.
+Such was the <em>instructress</em> of <em>arrogance</em>
+and <em>folly</em>, the only science she
+had ever studied, or required perfection
+in, as her abilities never empowered
+her, with the art of instruction,
+superior to the common <em>abecedarian</em>;
+but while she could hold up
+her head, read a <em>little</em>, write a <em>little</em>,
+and dance a little, she <em>fancied</em> herself
+a <em>governess</em> equal to any establishment;
+though, as to any or all of the
+fine arts, she was a most perfect
+stranger, except that of <em>vanity</em>, in
+which she was an eminent proficient;
+and happy the pupil who escaped
+such instruction.”</p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</span></p>
+
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_VIII">CHAP. VIII.</h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>At this moment a whiskey stopped
+at the gate, and a servant presented
+a card of polite inquiry from
+Mr. and Mrs. Henpeck, the latter of
+whom had taken the reins from a little
+snuffy ruby nosed man, of crimson
+countenance; and my uncle, putting
+on his gold-laced nondescript hat,
+went out to speak to them, requesting
+me to follow him.</p>
+
+<p>After a score of “how-d’ye-does,”
+and shaking hands so violently, I
+thought they’d have either pulled my
+uncle into the chaise, or he pulled
+the little man out, “Is <em>that there</em>
+gentleman your <em>nevee</em>, Mr. Tweazy?”<span class="pagenum" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</span>
+said the lady, screwing up her eyes,
+and confidently peering in my face.</p>
+
+<p>“Yes, that’s Victor St. Alban,
+sure enough,” replied my uncle.</p>
+
+<p>“Sir,” continued the lady, dragging
+up her yellow colloppy throat
+with an extra stretch, “I shall be
+proud to see you at my house. Mr.
+Henpeck, my love, why don’t you
+tell the gentleman so: any friend of
+Mr. Tweazy <em>must</em> be agreeable to <em>you</em>,
+while they are so to <em>me</em>.”</p>
+
+<p>“I was just going to ask the gentleman’s
+company,” answered the
+man, whom necessity compelled to
+like every thing his wife did: “I’m
+sure I shall be very happy to entertain
+him the best in my power.”</p>
+
+<p>“<em>Our</em> power, my lovey, you mean:
+recollect, you’re not a <a id="tn_95"><em>bachelor</em></a> now;
+and therefore, Mr. Henpeck, my dear,
+you should say <em>we</em>,”—replied Madam
+Xantippe.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</span></p>
+
+<p>“I stand corrected, my dear,” answered
+her supple slave.</p>
+
+<p>“No, you don’t,” cried my uncle;
+“you <em>sit</em> corrected: so, take my advice;
+alight a few minutes, and take
+a walk round my garden; I want to
+shew you my melon bed, and give
+you a little fruit.”</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Henpeck cast a wistful look
+at his rib for her <em>kind permission</em>;
+who instantly answered, “He must
+not touch fruit for the world, nor
+walk upon the grass for fear of cold;
+for Doctor Tonic had ordered him a
+peculiar <em>regiment</em>; and therefore, as
+<em>his wife</em> and <em>nurse</em>, she could not <em>suffer</em>
+him to get out of the chaise.”</p>
+
+<p>“Well, well! my love, I’ll do just
+as you <em>please</em>, deary.”</p>
+
+<p>“Aye, to be sure,” said Mrs. Henpeck:
+then drawing up her reins, she
+wished us good-morning; observing,
+she should send us a card in the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</span>
+evening; and flogging up the old
+horse, who seemed as compliant to
+her lash as his master, they were
+soon out of sight.</p>
+
+<p>“Heavens protect me,” exclaimed
+my uncle. “See what you’re to
+come to; prepare for Master Hymen’s
+trammels. Poor Henpeck! I
+wish to God I could inspire him with
+a proper portion of spirit to counteract
+the tyranny of his despotic wife:
+he’s a man of very genteel property,
+and very clever in his business; and
+might have died, as he lived, a happy
+bachelor, hadn’t the <em>charms</em> (personal
+or mental, I cannot define which) of
+the fascinating Widow <em>Would-a-more</em>
+captivated his invulnerable heart, and
+vanquished all his neutral determination
+of leading a life of celibacy; and
+therefore, by the widow’s persuasions,
+he metamorphosed himself into that<span class="pagenum" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</span>
+happy being he calls a husband; for,
+blessed with so <em>sweet</em>, so <em>engaging</em> a
+wife as Xantippe Henpeck, how can
+he be otherwise! But, however, I’ll
+treat you with a specimen of their
+ways and manners, by accepting their
+invitation; where you will find a hospitable
+board, and every thing in precise
+style; for Mrs. Henpeck rules
+over every concern, from the attic to
+the basement; in which department
+her loving husband never interferes,
+and knows no more of his household
+concerns, and the <em>necessaries</em> or <em>unnecessaries</em>
+of his family, than he does
+how many feathers compose his pillow:
+all he has to do is to supply his
+wife with plenty of the <em>threadneedle
+rags</em>, of which she well knew there
+was no <em>want</em> when she condescended
+to bestow her hand where her <em>interest</em>
+best directed such a <em>sacrifice</em>,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</span>
+and thereby dubbed Mr. Henpeck
+the <em>happiest of men</em>. But you shall
+judge, Victor, for yourself.”</p>
+
+<p>My uncle’s watch now reminded
+us it was time to retire, and dress for
+Dr. Tonic’s dinner party, who, dining,
+as he observed, at the unfashionable
+hour of three, did not allow us
+much time to adorn for conquest, as
+my uncle styled it; who, jocosely
+touching my elbow as we walked
+side by side up the spacious staircase
+to our respective dressing-rooms,
+observed, if I had but the
+happy invention of tying my neckcloth
+in some peculiar mode, totally
+different to the rest of the world, I
+should be as immortalized as Shakespeare’s
+mulberry-tree, and set the
+village fashion for the remainder of
+the year. “I’ll allow you also,”
+continued he, “to <em>bounce</em> and <em>stretch</em>
+a little in every point where your discretion<span class="pagenum" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</span>
+may point out a retributive
+attack: you must therefore consider
+yourself at a masquerade, and make
+your consonant repartees accordingly;
+for, I assure you, you will find
+a most motley group of the “<em>Would-be-greats</em>”
+and the “<em>What-we-ares</em>,”
+but not many of the “<em>What-we-have-beens</em>;”
+because it’s not the fashion
+to <em>analyze genealogy</em> in the present
+day. Exert your energies, and let the
+whole squad see you’re my own boy
+Victor, and not a mushroom raised
+from a dunghill by the powerful sunshine
+of fortune. You comprehend
+me, I’m sure.”</p>
+
+<p>We now separated, and, in about
+half an hour, met again, each equipped,
+and ready to start for our engagement.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle now surveyed me from
+head to foot; for, having paid some
+attention to his wishes, I had arranged<span class="pagenum" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</span>
+my hair in a few peculiar turns,
+and tied my neckcloth in a very smart
+full rose, which I had taken no little
+pains to crimp up into due form,
+twisting the ends, in the similitude of
+a plat, round my neck: this, with
+the eccentricity of my quizzing-glass
+hung round my neck with a purple
+ribbon, and immense broad ribbons
+in my shoes, I stood before him, in
+my <em>own idea</em>, a perfect Bond-street
+<em>puppy</em>!</p>
+
+<p>“Have I properly obeyed your
+orders, Sir?” asked I.</p>
+
+<p>“Exactly,” replied he; “you have
+conjured that tippy bow under your
+chin in curious style.”</p>
+
+<p>I could not forbear smiling, for my
+soul, at the contrast we made, as I
+regarded <em>his</em> neckcloth, which, in the
+perversity of the antique style, hung,
+in two dangling ends, to the bottom<span class="pagenum" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</span>
+of his waistcoat, which, with the addition
+of his gold-laced hat and ancestorial
+cane, equipped him in his
+style, which none presumed to imitate,
+nor did I dare reprove, wisely
+considering the adage of “Prithee,
+Tom-fool,” &amp;c.</p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</span></p>
+
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_IX">CHAP. IX.</h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>My uncle now led the way, and
+we found ourselves very shortly close
+under the well-known pestle and mortar
+at the Doctor’s shop door; where
+he most graciously receiving, conducted
+us to the dining-room; the
+door of which throwing wide open
+as the hinges would stretch, he, with
+a tremendous hem, hem, hem! thus
+announced us to a room full of company:—</p>
+
+<p>“Ladies and gentlemen, my respected
+friend Mr. Tweazy, and his
+nephew, Mr. Victor St. Alban.”
+Then advancing to a lady, who filled
+the pre-eminent chair, he thus successively<span class="pagenum" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</span>
+introduced us to the whole
+group:—Mr. and Mrs. Fungus, Mr.
+and Mrs. Prolix, Mr. and Mrs. Deposit,
+Mr. Faddle and the Widow
+Quiz, Mrs. Tonic, Miss Elizetta Tonic,
+Miss Georgina Tonic, and, stuck
+behind the door on a high stool, was
+perched, “My son, Bob Tonic;” who,
+distending his nostrils as wide as nature
+would permit the extent, seemed
+like a sagacious pointer <em>smelling</em> at
+fresh game, as he fixed his large black
+<em>bolus</em> eyes full on my face.</p>
+
+<p>Reciprocal compliments having
+subsided, two more chairs were
+wedged against the wainscot, and
+down upon them we squeezed ourselves,
+like fourteen larks stuck upon
+a skewer for a dog-day roast, in a
+low ceilinged room, divided only from
+the effluvia of jalap and assafœtida
+by a thin partition, against whose antique
+wainscot hung specimens of the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</span>
+Miss Tonics’ abilities in embroidered
+dogs, cats, pheasants, and fruit; while
+the black hearth was adorned with
+an immense bow-pot, containing all
+the flowers in the parish, stuck into
+a large <em>electuary jar</em>; the perfume of
+which redundant nosegay, or the
+<em>brown jar</em>, I know not <em>which</em>, so horrified
+Mrs. Deposit, she was obliged
+to leave the room, conducted by Bob
+Tonic to the revival of the hartshorn
+bottle; but an old woman coming in,
+almost at the moment, to have a tooth
+drawn, Mrs. Deposit, terrified at the
+idea of the operation, was obliged
+to return to the dining-room, from
+whence, at her request, the blooming
+composition of fragrance was instantly
+removed; but, unfortunately, before
+the servant could close the door,
+a large tabby-cat made his <i lang="fr">entrée</i> 
+with family familiarity, which so<span class="pagenum" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</span>
+alarmed the delicate nerves of Mrs.
+Fungus, that she uttered a loud
+shriek, which was responsively echoed
+by the old woman in the shop, in
+the agonizing wrench of extracting
+her decayed stump, much to the anger
+of the Doctor, who had deputed
+<em>Bob</em> to perform the business, and
+brushed into the shop, reprobating
+the patient in terms so stentorial,
+that they were distinctly heard
+through the wainscot, to the following
+effect:—</p>
+
+<p>“What are you making such a
+d—d racket about—eh? Don’t you
+know I’ve got a house full of company,
+and every window open? If I’d
+known you’d have been such a weak
+old fool as to squall out in that manner,
+you should have borne the pain
+till to-morrow, I promise you.”</p>
+
+<p>“How could I help it, Sir?” replied
+the patient: “I thought as<span class="pagenum" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</span>
+how Mister Bob had <em>scrunshed</em> my
+jaw-bone.”</p>
+
+<p>“’Drot your jaw-bone!” answered
+the furious Doctor. “How dare
+you say such a thing? My son Bob’s
+the best tooth-drawer in England;
+and I think, after walking the hospitals
+for <em>two</em> years, and extracting a
+<em>dozen</em> teeth from <em>dead bodies</em>, he ought
+to know something about it.”</p>
+
+<p>“To be sure, Sir,” said the woman:
+“but then, Sir, you know as
+how as dead bodies could not <em>feel</em>,
+by reason of which they could not
+<em>scream</em>!”</p>
+
+<p>The Doctor was silent; for the
+woman’s argument was not to be refuted.
+“Pay your shilling, and go
+about your business: my son Bob’s
+got something better to do than stand
+bothering here all day.”—The woman
+obeyed the command; the shop door<span class="pagenum" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</span>
+slammed to; and the Doctor returned
+to the company, who jocosely rallied
+him about scolding his patient
+so inconsistently.</p>
+
+<p>“She’d no business to scream,”
+said the Doctor.</p>
+
+<p>“She’d a <em>right</em> to scream,” replied
+my uncle: “she felt excruciating
+pain, if you didn’t; and, therefore,
+how could she help it?”</p>
+
+<p>“Bob drew it as easy as an old
+shoe,” continued the Doctor.</p>
+
+<p>“So he might,” said my uncle;
+“but he did not <em>feel</em> the agony.”</p>
+
+<p>“No, to be sure,” cried Mr. Prolix.
+“My poor girl, Lavinia, had a
+tooth extracted not a week ago; and,
+egad! Sirs, she screamed, that you
+might have heard her at the extremity
+of the village.”</p>
+
+<p>“Oh! I don’t wonder at that,”
+said my uncle: “your children are<span class="pagenum" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</span>
+famous screamers: they never do any
+thing else, I think—at least, when
+I’m in your house.”</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Prolix was dumb; his cherubic
+wainscot cheeks mantled brickdust;
+while resentment for the stigma
+passed on his squalling children
+glanced from his eye. His wife was
+a pleasant, well-behaved, quiet soul;
+of the automaton breed; and as much
+the reverse, in her principles, of Mrs.
+Henpeck, as it was possible for a
+human creature to be; for she was a
+composition of humility, and obedience
+to the commands of her husband.—Not
+so was Mrs. Deposit:
+she was the most fantastic woman
+upon earth, except her neighbour,
+Mrs. Fungus; who, for family arrogance,
+could match the proudest of
+the proud. She assured the Miss
+Tonics, in lisping accents, most dulcet
+and affected, she intended giving<span class="pagenum" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</span>
+a little sort of fête champêtre in
+the course of a fortnight, for which
+she should issue her cards in time.
+“And you, my dear Mrs. Deposit,
+will join our festive group;” and she
+patted her fan most lovingly on Mrs.
+Deposit’s <em>naked</em> fat shoulder, exposed
+à la Venus.</p>
+
+<p>“Oh! my dear creature, I shall
+certainly attend you, with rapture,”
+replied the stylish compeer: “you
+know a dance or a rubber is my delight.
+How much, now, d’ye think
+I made by my card purse last season?”</p>
+
+<p>“Can’t guess, poz,” said Mrs.
+Fungus: “a rolio of fifty guineas,
+perhaps.”</p>
+
+<p>“Fifty!” reiterated Mrs. Deposit:
+“why, my dear soul, fifty guineas
+would scarce buy me a purse:”
+then, in an audible whisper, half a
+yard from Mrs. Fungus’s naked ear,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</span>
+“I netted <em>two hundred</em> clear, ’pon
+honour.”</p>
+
+<p>“Oh! you lucky soul,” exclaimed
+Mrs. Fungus. “But does not your
+lord sometimes reprove?”</p>
+
+<p>“Oh! he knows nothing of the
+matter,” replied Mrs. Deposit. “We
+are a very fashionable couple: we
+each pursue the mode most agreeable
+to our wishes; restriction would
+not suit me, I promise you. Deposit’s
+a good fellow: he never reproves
+me; and, in fact, if he <em>did</em>, it would
+little <em>avail</em>.”</p>
+
+<p>During this confab, my uncle
+(whose chair joined Mrs. Deposit’s)
+had fixed his chin upon his cane, and
+puffed out his cheeks, with his eyes
+fixed on the carpet, in deep attention,
+and panic-struck at the lady’s conversation,
+till, from the cast of his
+countenance, I dreaded every moment
+would produce one of his sharp<span class="pagenum" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</span>
+opinions, not couched in the politest
+terms; but the servant announcing
+“dinner on table,” created the general
+bustle of a removal to the
+smoaking board, where a profuse
+spreadation of substantials, in the
+old English style, formed a copious
+fumigation from fish, flesh, fowl, and
+pudding; over which, at the bottom
+of the table, stood the Doctor, bolt
+upright, flourishing a tremendous
+carving-knife with as much dexterity
+as he would a lancet; and the ceremony
+of grace having been audibly
+repeated by <em>son Bob</em>, who took the
+Doctor’s right hand as extra officiating
+carver, we all took our allotted
+seats.</p>
+
+<p>An immense cod’s tail at the <em>top</em>
+of the table, and a much larger <em>head
+and shoulders</em> at the <em>bottom</em>, almost
+suffocated poor Mrs. Deposit, who
+declined partaking any portion of it,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</span>
+protesting, “the last <em>cod’s scull</em> and
+smelts she purchased at Phillip’s, in
+Bond-street, cost her two guineas,
+and though the price was, to be sure,
+very exorbitant, it did not prove
+good.</p>
+
+<p>“Two guineas for a cod’s scull,”
+exclaimed my incredulous uncle:
+“in my opinion, there was not a
+scull in Bond-street worth a quarter
+part the money. Eh! Doctor, what
+say you? you understand sculls.”</p>
+
+<p>“Oh heavens!” ejaculated Mrs.
+Fungus; “what a horrid subject to
+start at a medical table. My dear
+Mr. Tweazy, pray, forbear. Do you
+know, I was extravagant enough to
+give a <em>guinea</em> for a <em>lobster</em> to a celebrated
+fishmonger in my neighbourhood,
+last March, for turbot sauce, at
+one of my city dinner parties?”</p>
+
+<p>“The more’s the pity, Ma’am,”
+said my uncle: “I’m very sorry you<span class="pagenum" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</span>
+female caterers should encourage extortion
+to such a pitch: the guinea
+would have done more good to some
+distressed family.”</p>
+
+<p>“Pugh!” cried Mrs. Fungus.
+“Was <em>my</em> turbot to be served without
+sauce, for such a <em>paltry</em> consideration?
+No, indeed, by no means!”</p>
+
+<p>“But time has been, Madam,” rejoined
+my uncle, “when <em>you</em> and <em>I</em>
+have bought many a lobster for a
+<em>groat</em>; aye, and when the humble
+bread and cheese we could set before
+our guests wanted no other sauce
+than a cordial welcome to the board
+of frugality.”</p>
+
+<p>“Bread and cheese!” reiterated
+Mrs. Deposit. “Dear Mr. Tweazy,
+what a <em>carpenter’s supper</em> you have
+selected: I declare you quite horrify
+my delicacy. Stilton or Parmesan
+sandwiches are extreme bores to introduce,
+even on the sideboard of a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</span>
+fashionable table, merely for the purpose
+of flavouring the spruce and
+soda; but <em>common bread</em> and <em>cheese</em>—oh!
+shocking! too terrible to think
+about!”</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Tonic now interrupted this
+interesting dissertation, by holding
+out, at arm’s length, a plated fish-slice
+full of the <em>woolly</em> flakes of the
+aforementioned dish, which everybody
+who knew where the prime
+part was stationed declined accepting,
+and she was therefore compelled
+to munch it herself; while her helpmate
+was plentifully distributing the
+jowl and jelly pieces to the epicures;
+amongst whom the Widow Quiz’s
+plate was first handed, with <em>profound
+homage</em>, by Mr. Prolix, who had
+made her <em>will</em> only the day before,
+and well knew all the preliminaries
+it contained, both in his favour and
+the Doctor’s.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</span></p>
+
+<p>The plate was now presented; and
+willing to gratify the high epicurean
+palate of the rich widow, he poked
+his wrinkled eyelids close over the
+dish, to select a boubouche, exclaiming,
+“Cod sounds, Madam! here’s a
+nice piece in reserve for you.”</p>
+
+<p>“My dear, my dear,” cried Mrs.
+Tonic (not comprehending what he
+said), “how you do swear!”</p>
+
+<p>“I swear!” replied the Doctor
+(as son Bob set up a horse-laugh at
+his mother’s mistake and expense).
+“Why, my dear Mrs. Tonic, you
+must be out of your mind: I was
+only helping Mrs. Quiz to part of the
+sound.”</p>
+
+<p>Poor Mrs. Tonic’s cheek flushed
+with confusion, and, being a placid
+woman of the <em>old school</em>, she made
+no reply; and the dinner went quietly
+down, as most dinners do, that are
+composed <em>only</em> of eatables, not set<span class="pagenum" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</span>
+out on the nicknack scale of notoriety.</p>
+
+<p>“Come, take a triffle with my
+daughter Elizetta,” said the doctor,
+slapping me on the shoulder: “don’t
+be afraid of her; she’s a Tonic, depend
+upon it.”</p>
+
+<p>I now, for the first time, discovered
+who this young lady was, and
+concluded I was to be indebted to
+her abilities for the harmonic strains
+I had been taught to expect, though,
+from her personal charms, I could
+draw no comparative idea.</p>
+
+<p>She was very short in stature, extremely
+scraggy, with a complexion
+à la <em>Bantam egg</em>, viz. similar to a
+composition of <em>bark</em> and <em>bole ammoniac</em>,
+like my grandmother’s toothpowder;
+her eyes, like brother Bobby’s,
+were black and goggling; and
+if they were the telegraphs of her
+heart, it was a very inanimate one,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</span>
+insipid as a chalk draught, or gruel
+without salt. Her sister was the polygraph
+of herself; therefore no farther
+personal comment is requisite.
+They were both attentive and assiduous
+to the company, and, no
+doubt, might be two good sort of
+girls, fit to make industrious farmers’
+wives; but neither of them were
+destined to captivate Victor St. Alban.</p>
+
+<p>“What a charming name yours
+is!” said Mrs. Deposit, looking most
+languishingly in my face. I bowed.</p>
+
+<p>“Aye, that was my choice,” replied
+my uncle.</p>
+
+<p>“Then much merit is due to your
+choice, Sir,” lisped Mrs. Fungus.
+“What a divine name it would be
+for a <em>novel</em>. If you do but subjoin it
+with one equally as elegant, how
+beautifully romantic it will sound:
+<em>Palmira</em>, for instance, crowning her<span class="pagenum" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</span>
+<em>Victor</em> with a wreath of never-fading
+happiness.”</p>
+
+<p>Here Mrs. Fungus set up a loud
+titter, which was succeeded by a universal
+simper, from a smile to a horse-laugh,
+from everybody but my uncle,
+who, aware of these quizzing impertinents,
+replied very gravely, “He
+believed there were many hearts that
+would yield to such a Victor, without
+much contention, from <em>bold fifteen</em> to
+<em>bolder fifty</em>!”</p>
+
+<p>“Heavens! what an opinion you
+must have of women,” exclaimed
+Mrs. Deposit, who loved to hear
+herself talk as much as her husband,
+when he delivers elaborate encomiums
+from his knock-me-down pulpit
+of public extortion.</p>
+
+<p>“I entertain the best opinion in
+the world of all women,” rejoined
+my uncle; “for I estimate every one
+according to their principles and actions:<span class="pagenum" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</span>
+my opinion, therefore, never
+swerving from <em>truth</em>, cannot possibly
+be a <em>bad one</em>.”</p>
+
+<p>“But <em>bold fifteen</em> to <em>bolder fifty</em>!”
+cried Mrs. Fungus (who snatched
+the shuttlecock of argument from
+her voluble friend, Mrs. Deposit, to
+aim it at my uncle). “What do you
+mean to <em>infer</em> by that, Mr. Tweazy?”</p>
+
+<p>“Precisely what I have said, Madam;
+for, with all due deference to
+the present circle of exemptions, I
+am sorry to say, in the present day,
+the levity of the girl of <a id="tn_120">fifteen</a> is, if
+possible, exceeded by the matron of
+fifty, <em>married</em> or <em>single</em>.”</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Fungus bit her lip; Mrs. Deposit
+sat upon a thorn; while the
+mild Mrs. Prolix ventured to give
+her humble opinion, “that certainly
+the principles of the <em>rising</em> generation
+were very notorious: subordination
+had been her cradle motto; but the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</span>
+word, and its practical properties,
+were now both expelled.”</p>
+
+<p>“My dear, you talk like an old
+woman preaching morality over her
+knitting-pins,” said Mr. Prolix. “If
+you are all perfection yourself, depend
+upon it your system of propriety
+won’t reform the stylish <em>ungovernables</em>
+of the day. You forget you
+have got a parson at your elbow.
+Eh! Mr. Faddle, now my wife has
+furnished the text, you can treat us
+with the sermon, I’m sure.”</p>
+
+<p>“No sermon! no sermon!” cried
+the Doctor: “let’s swallow the subject
+in a mouthful of plum-pudding.”</p>
+
+<p>“No bad idea,” replied my uncle:
+“I’ve heard many a sermon styled
+a ‘<em>plum-pudding discourse</em>.’”</p>
+
+<p>“What profanity!” exclaimed the
+Widow Quiz (who was wiping her
+wine-glass with her cambric pocket-handkerchief,
+for fear a grain of dust<span class="pagenum" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</span>
+should contaminate her puckered
+lip). “Pray, can I be indulged with
+a glass of <em>clean</em> water?”</p>
+
+<p>“I should hope so,” replied the
+Doctor, “if some witch has not
+muddled the pump.”</p>
+
+<p>“Oh! the Doctor takes care of
+the <em>aqua-fontani</em>,” observed Mr. Faddle,
+offering his snuff-box to the widow,
+who smirked very cordially at
+the young man’s civility, dearly loving
+all possible <em>homage</em> and respect,
+as due to her supposed consequence,
+having consigned her virgin hand, in
+her <em>fortieth</em> year, to a husband, over
+whose ashes she now rattled the
+wheels of her chariot in sovereign
+independence; which vehicle, when
+travelling, she converted to a <em>chandler’s
+shop</em>, by furnishing it even with
+a <em>cag</em> of <em>water</em>, that she might not be
+poisoned by stagnant pools: she carried,
+also, every article of provision;<span class="pagenum" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</span>
+nor did she even omit her sheets and
+rush-lights, none possibly being so
+good as her <em>own</em>. To this eccentric
+woman the Tonic family paid high
+respect; and whenever she honoured
+them with a visit, the head seat and
+best pieces were at her command.</p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</span></p>
+
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_X">CHAP. X.</h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>A plate of pudding was now
+handed to Mr. Faddle, who audibly
+assured the company, “he could furnish
+a most excellent <em>receipt</em> for one,
+upon a very economic plan.”</p>
+
+<p>“I never heard of a parson making
+a plum-pudding before,” said my
+uncle: “they should never cook any
+thing but sermons. Why, your Reverence,
+I’m shocked; you would not
+convert a pulpit-cloth into a pudding-bag,
+I hope.”</p>
+
+<p>This speech, though uttered with
+much gravity, caused a hearty laugh
+at the coddling parson’s expense,
+which seemed to nettle him, though<span class="pagenum" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</span>
+he did not retort. The cloth was
+soon after removed, and the <a id="tn_125">desert</a>
+made its appearance; but as it was
+not in the Bond-street style, Mrs.
+Deposit could touch nothing but a
+<em>prime</em> nectarine; observing, the whole
+time she was in London last summer,
+“she lived upon <em>ice</em> and <em>peaches</em>!”</p>
+
+<p>“And, pray, Madam,” said my
+uncle, very gravely, “what may you
+live upon in the winter?”</p>
+
+<p>“<em>Turtle</em> and <em>chantillies</em>!” returned
+the lady.</p>
+
+<p>“And, pray, what may a chantilly
+be?” asked my uncle.</p>
+
+<p>“La! my dear Sir, don’t you
+know what it is? ’Pon honour, you
+country folks—excuse me—vegetate
+like cabbages! He, he, he!”</p>
+
+<p>“Cabbages! Madam,” retorted my
+enraged uncle. “I beg an explanation
+of that opprobrious sarcasm. I
+believe your town residence is not far<span class="pagenum" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</span>
+from the <em>cabbage repository</em>; therefore,
+please to explain, Madam: I
+shall thank you for the intelligence.”</p>
+
+<p>“Why, then, Sir,” answered Mrs.
+Deposit (much piqued at the retort
+of the <em>cabbage repository</em>), “do you
+not vegetate, more and more like a
+cabbage, every day of your life? Do
+you not grow “<em>white-headed</em> and
+<em>hard-hearted</em>!”—eh! Mr. Tweazy?”</p>
+
+<p>Ha, ha, ha! resounded from the
+bottom of the table in one united
+peal of rough merriment, till interrupted
+by the Divine, Mr. Faddle,
+who requested an explanation of the
+chantilly.</p>
+
+<p>“Why, Sir,” replied Mrs. Deposit,
+suppressing a smile, “I really
+cannot give you the express <em>receipt</em>;”
+and she winked sarcastically at the
+Doctor: “but a chantilly is a kind
+of a sort of a delicious olio, the centre
+ornament of every stylish table,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</span>
+composed of cakes, whipt cream,
+sweetmeats, and so forth, served in
+a ratifia basket, with barley-sugar ormoulu,
+lion’s claws supporting its
+elegant fabric. It’s a very pretty
+French kickshaw invention, if <em>we</em>
+could but keep it <em>ourselves</em>; but, really,
+it is becoming so <em>common</em> a dish
+at your <em>city gorges</em>, that it is now
+nearly expelled from the western galas,
+I do assure you.”</p>
+
+<p>The Widow Quiz observed, “it
+must be a very extravagant dish.”</p>
+
+<p>“La! that’s nothing!” replied Mrs.
+Deposit. “I would not give a rush
+to sit down to a dinner without the
+table-decker’s tablet of information,
+to instruct me, that a dolphin was a
+disguised tongue, or a beautiful tortoise
+was nothing more than a ragoued
+pigeon; a dish of blamonge converted
+into a pack of cards; with a
+fierce-looking hedgehog, composed of<span class="pagenum" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</span>
+cake and custard! Oh! there’s nothing
+like <em>dashing</em> and <em>flashing</em>!”</p>
+
+<p>“Yes, yes!” cried my uncle;
+“you’re right, Madam. <em>Dash</em> into
+Hyde Park one day, and <em>dash</em> into
+the <cite>Gazette</cite> the next! that’s high ton
+with the new <em>flash-in-pan</em> societies, I
+understand.”</p>
+
+<p>“True,” replied Mrs. Deposit, very
+composedly; “such are the <em>casualties</em>
+of <em>fashion</em>: but I don’t comprehend
+what you call the ‘flash-in-pan
+societies.’”</p>
+
+<p>“I mean,” replied my uncle, “the
+nightly card parties, formed of <em>young
+tradesmen</em>, who, neglecting all duties,
+moral and divine, leave an innocent,
+wretched young <em>wife</em> of <em>eighteen</em>, to
+weep, alone, a husband’s destructive
+follies over the cradle of her hapless
+progeny, till day-light dawns upon
+her tearful eye, and sends the ruined
+gamester to his thorny pillow, where<span class="pagenum" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</span>
+love and fond fidelity have lost their
+charms, and every place, save <em>home</em>,
+affords him pleasure. Such is the
+<em>minor</em> husband, the mere married
+<em>boy</em>, rushing, with incautious step, to
+ruin’s brink, and cruelly involving in
+his fate the innocent and virtuous
+victim of his <em>fancied</em> happiness.”</p>
+
+<p>“Oh! but that’s nothing extraordinary,
+Sir,” cried Mrs. Deposit.
+“Man and wife, now-a-days, a’n’t
+like lock and key, that the one can’t
+move without the other. Why, Deposit
+and I are the most fashionable
+couple imaginable: we never intrude
+on each other’s pleasures: he has his
+card parties, I mine: he mounts his
+hunter, and dashes in the Ride; I
+pop into Lady Lounge’s barouche,
+and sport myself in the Drive every
+Sunday; I don’t put on my cottage
+clumps, and, <em>glueing</em> myself upon
+<em>hubby’s</em> arm, content myself with <em>fagging</em><span class="pagenum" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</span>
+through the plebeian pedestrian
+throng. La! we should both be
+the most wretched creatures living.
+Shouldn’t we, George?”</p>
+
+<p>“Precisely so, my love,” replied
+the non-chalante <em>husband of fashion</em>.
+“The system we married on was a
+total independence of principle; for,
+as we had both arrived at the years
+of discretion, we each resolved to
+pursue the plan most consonant to
+our wishes; and, I flatter myself, we
+are as <em>fond</em> and happy a couple——”</p>
+
+<p>“As any <em>fashionable</em> couple possibly
+can be,” interrupted my uncle,
+whose irritated temper would not
+permit Mr. Deposit the privilege of
+finishing his flourishing sentence.</p>
+
+<p>“Why, my dear Mrs. Tonic,”
+hemm’d the Doctor, “I’m afraid you
+and I must go to school again; for
+these are lessons we have never learnt
+or practised.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</span></p>
+
+<p>“Then, I’m sure, my dear, we are
+too old to learn now; and, therefore,
+I beg to remain in my happy ignorance,”
+said Mrs. Tonic.</p>
+
+<p>“Well, well! hem, hem! agreed,
+old woman, agreed!”</p>
+
+<p>The conversation now became vapid;
+and the ladies soon after withdrew
+into the garden, for a walk and
+a gossip; Mrs. Tonic not being blessed
+with a drawing-room, and the sun
+having darted its most fervent ray of
+excessive power on the parlour they
+were first received in. Mrs. Deposit
+and Mrs. Fungus both declared
+the heat would annihilate them; and
+they, in consequence, made what
+they termed a gipsey party, under a
+cherry-tree; where, seated on the
+grass, they retailed envy, hatred, and
+malice, from the grain to the pound,
+without the assistance of the shop
+scales, as most other female country<span class="pagenum" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</span>
+parties do, who have little else to employ
+them; for, be it known to my
+readers, Mrs. Deposit and Mrs. Fungus
+were mere temporary inhabitants
+of the village, who condescended to
+rusticate themselves for three months
+in a cottage ornée, to recruit the
+excesses of winter balls and galas,
+“by gleaning,” as Mrs. Fungus elegantly
+styled it, “the roses of health,
+to adorn the vulgar day-light complexion
+that the summer’s glaring
+sun exposed to the eye of scrutiny,
+till the less glaring beam of pink wax
+scented lights suffered the fascinating
+convenient Christmas bloom to be
+substituted, undetected.”</p>
+
+<p>This cogent reason, subjoined to
+a few provoking pimples, induced
+these ladies to seclude themselves in
+durance vile, living upon physic and
+water-gruel, of which self-vanity induced
+them to swallow many potions;<span class="pagenum" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</span>
+while their respective husbands
+honoured the rural residence
+with their company as often as business
+or <em>inclination</em> permitted; Mr.
+Fungus being in the speculative line,
+and Mr. Deposit constantly engaged
+in his pulpit, <em>hammering</em> his elaborate
+discourse into the ears of his auditors,
+congregated round him to buy
+bargains at his tonish repository.</p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</span></p>
+
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_XI">CHAP. XI.</h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Various were the topics in the
+drinking parlour, and many the bets
+made between the Doctor and his
+convivial companions; for no man
+loved an argument better; till the
+“briskly-circling glass” had elated
+them in full flow of spirits; when the
+coffee mandate from the ladies, reassembled
+in the dining-room, summoned
+them to adjourn to the whist
+table, where Mrs. Deposit had already
+placed herself, and was impatiently
+shuffling the cards in most
+dextrous style, and displaying a
+splendid purse of guineas, four of<span class="pagenum" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</span>
+which lay at her elbow, as scorers,
+with as much indifference, on her
+part, as if they had been four dumps;
+while the Widow Quiz, who was
+classed as her compeer, picked four
+silver <em>twopences</em> out of her old family
+crimson silk purse, and, drawing up
+her head, she sat leering about her
+in full state; till the Doctor and Mr.
+Prolix took the opponent seats, the
+latter of whom drew Mrs. Deposit,
+and the former the Widow Quiz.</p>
+
+<p>Now the Widow played a very
+<em>sharp</em> game, and the Doctor a <em>deep</em>
+one; but, with all their ingenuity,
+they could neither vanquish the lawyer
+nor the gamestress, in whose favour
+the run of luck was perfectly
+magical.</p>
+
+<p>The Doctor swore, crossed his
+legs, uncrossed them, swung his
+chair, but all to no purpose; the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</span>
+Widow turned her little conjuring
+coins, shuffled the cards in every direction,
+and execrated the whole
+pack; while the successful lawyer,
+and his fortunate partner, netted all
+the shillings and half-crowns that
+came in their way; while Mrs. Fungus
+and Mr. Deposit, <em>versus</em> Parson
+Faddle and Mrs. Tonic, experienced
+the same provoking fate, much to
+the dismay of Mrs. Fungus, who
+could never keep her temper in due
+subordination on those <em>trying</em> occasions.</p>
+
+<p>Matters being thus arranged, the
+rest of the company wished to play a
+round game; which my uncle proposed
+should be Loo, and accordingly
+took his seat by the side of the
+placid Mrs. Prolix, the Misses Tonic,
+myself, and Mr. Bob Tonic, who
+had scarce dealt the cards, when the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</span>
+door opened, and a lady made her entrée,
+whom Bob thus addressed:—</p>
+
+<p>“What! you’re come at last, Maria;
+we expected you to tea.”</p>
+
+<p>The Doctor, hearing the name of
+Maria, jumped up, while his opponents
+were dealing; and advancing
+to our table, “Mr. St. Alban,” said
+he, “I must introduce my son’s wife.
+This, Sir, is Mrs. Bob Tonic; as
+good a little woman as ever lived.
+Nay, don’t blush, child. How’s the
+boy to-night?”</p>
+
+<p>“Very poorly, Sir; which has
+been the reason of my delay,” answered
+Mrs. Bob.</p>
+
+<p>“Well, well, child! never mind;
+you would marry, and so you must
+take a mother’s care.” He then gave
+her a loving nip of the cheek, and
+returned to his game.</p>
+
+<p>“Come, sit down, sit down!” cried
+her boorish husband; “don’t<span class="pagenum" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</span>
+make a fuss; I expected you two
+hours ago!”</p>
+
+<p>“I dare say, you did, my love;
+but I could not leave the child.”</p>
+
+<p>“Pshaw! why the d—l didn’t you
+give him the poppy syrup, and set
+him to sleep?”</p>
+
+<p>“So I did, my dear; but it took
+the contrary effect,” cried the subordinate
+wife.</p>
+
+<p>“Poh d—n it! it’s all want of
+management, because <em>I</em> wasn’t at
+home.”</p>
+
+<p>The crimson of reprehension so unmerited
+flushed Mrs. Tonic’s cheek;
+and a tear of vexation started in her
+eye, which added expression to its
+natural lustre.</p>
+
+<p>“Never mind, Madam,” exclaimed
+my uncle; “you are all in good
+time, and we are all happy to see
+you, early or late: you have been
+performing that duty which so eminently<span class="pagenum" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</span>
+distinguishes the character of
+a mother, and adorns it with that
+lustre no ostrich parent can tarnish.”</p>
+
+<p>The little smiling woman, whose
+countenance was the express image
+of good-nature, thanked him for his
+polite compliment.</p>
+
+<p>“Halloo! there, Squire!” cried
+Doctor Tonic: “why, you’ll make
+my son Bob jealous. We shall have
+a duel, or a crim. con. Ha, ha,
+ha!”</p>
+
+<p>“What pretty speech were you
+making about <em>ostrich parents</em>, Mr.
+Tweazy?” said Mrs. Fungus. “It’s
+an idea many an embarrassed author
+would thank you for.”</p>
+
+<p>“I want neither authors nor critics
+to pass judgment on my sentiments,
+Madam,” replied my uncle.
+“I dare say, Madam, you, who live<span class="pagenum" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</span>
+in the region of literary information,
+can be at no loss to know, that an
+ostrich leaves the protection of its
+young to Providence; that the egg
+is hatched by the sun on the seashore,
+where the parent bird abandons
+it to its fate. Just so, the mother,
+who, resigning her infant offspring
+to the care of nurses, dandles
+it on the lap of starvation and extortion;
+till, falling a prey to neglect
+and cruelty, the hapless blossom withers
+in the shade of oblivion, because
+its <em>ostrich mother</em> is too fantastic to
+trouble herself about it.”</p>
+
+<p>“A very stylish description, upon
+my word,” answered Mrs. Tonic.</p>
+
+<p>“Well! if I should ever be plagued
+with a child,” cried Mrs. Deposit,
+“I shall certainly apply to Mr.
+Tweazy for a lecture on maternal
+duties.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</span></p>
+
+<p>“And you shall be heartily welcome,
+Madam, to as long or short a
+dissertation as you think proper,”
+replied my uncle.</p>
+
+<p>“Sir!” cried the shopman (popping
+in his head, the express image
+of a scull on a mop-stick); “Sir!
+Mrs. Drinkwater wants your attendance
+immediately.”</p>
+
+<p>“Poh! fool. Why didn’t you say
+I was out?”</p>
+
+<p>“Why, Sir,” resumed the man (as
+he hung his whole weight on the
+creaking lock of the door, whose
+hinges kept up a wee-war unison),
+“I didn’t know I was to say that in
+a life or death case.”</p>
+
+<p>“How’s that! how’s that!” said
+the Doctor, throwing down his
+cards.</p>
+
+<p>“Why, Mrs. Drinkwater’s very
+bad, Sir; and the lawyers at her<span class="pagenum" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</span>
+bed-side, making her will; and he
+can’t go on without you.”</p>
+
+<p>“What, what, what! not go on
+without me! Oh, oh! I’ll take a good
+stiff cordial in my pocket, and be off,
+if that’s the case.”</p>
+
+<p>“Aye, do,” said my uncle: “it
+may <em>operate</em> in your <em>favour</em>.”</p>
+
+<p>“Take my cards, then—will you?”
+answered the Doctor; who, snatching
+up his hat, rushed into the shop
+to the cordial bottle the old lady best
+loved, furnished himself with a proper
+dose, and, mounting his horse,
+gallopped away from his bad luck to
+what he hoped would prove better;
+and my uncle, in consequence, finished
+his rubber.</p>
+
+<p>As the Doctor closed the door,
+Mr. Prolix expressed his astonishment,
+that Mrs. Drinkwater should
+not have employed his superior abilities<span class="pagenum" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</span>
+on the important occasion; while
+Mrs. Fungus longed to know who
+would be the heir.</p>
+
+<p>“We shall know all about it when
+the Doctor comes back,” said Mrs.
+Deposit.</p>
+
+<p>“The Doctor must be as dumb as
+a dumpling,” cried Mr. Prolix: “he
+must be very careful how he tells
+tales out of school.”</p>
+
+<p>“Unless he whispers them, in confidence,
+to you,” replied Mrs. Fungus.</p>
+
+<p>“If the house and furniture are
+to be sold,” said Mr. Deposit, “I
+should like to speculate, and conduct
+the business, I must confess.”</p>
+
+<p>“But you’ll stop, with proper decency,
+till the woman’s dead, I
+hope,” said my uncle; “or d’ye
+mean to go to-morrow morning, and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</span>
+make a live bargain for the job,
+whenever the casualty may take
+place?”</p>
+
+<p>A general laugh silenced the disconcerted
+projector; and Mrs. Fungus
+very snappishly requested he
+would attend to his cards, as she was
+losing a little estate, which, if luck
+did not take a turn, she should be
+compelled to mortgage.</p>
+
+<p>The cards now flew briskly round;
+and Mrs. Bob Tonic’s lap was like
+Dame Fortune’s cornucopia, for she
+absolutely cleared every pool; while
+poor Mrs. Prolix bore her disappointment
+very composedly and patiently.
+Not so the Misses Tonic,
+who snapt and pouted their negro
+lips, and gave themselves most unwarrantable
+airs, to which the patient
+and meek sister-in-law seemed
+to pay no attention, probably from<span class="pagenum" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</span>
+the system being <em>habitually</em> adopted;
+for affection or respect to her superiority
+seemed quite out of the question.</p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</span></p>
+
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_XII">CHAP. XII.</h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>An hour had elapsed, when the
+Doctor’s horse gallopped up to the
+door; and, in two minutes after he
+had taken off his boots, he entered
+the room.</p>
+
+<p>“Well! Doctor, what news? Is
+she dead? How stands the will?
+Were you in time? May we congratulate
+you? Has the cordial had any
+effect?”—reiterated from every lip,
+till they fairly stunned the poor Doctor;
+who, hemming very loud, demanded
+silence, to answer their profuse
+inquiries.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</span></p>
+
+<p>He then deliberately drew his
+chair, and prefaced the recital by
+assuring them Mrs. Drinkwater was
+not dead. “She called me to her
+bed-side,” continued the Doctor, “to
+request I would sign her will; which
+I instantly refused, stating, if I was
+a witness, of course my name was
+not in the will; a circumstance which
+nettled me most devilishly, you must
+know.”</p>
+
+<p>“Of course,” cried everybody;
+and the Doctor thus went on; while
+his auditors, and particularly his own
+young cormorants, sat, with open
+mouths and attentive ears, to catch
+the sequel:—</p>
+
+<p>“Well, Sirs, the lawyer presented
+me the pen and ink, which, like a
+man of spirit, I inflexibly pushed
+away, positively declaring I would
+not sign any thing to my own disadvantage,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</span>
+having flattered myself, as
+an old friend, I should have been
+<em>handsomely</em> remembered.”</p>
+
+<p>“My dear Doctor,” said Mrs.
+Drinkwater, “don’t mistake my request;
+for, though your name is not
+down, I have taken care of your family:
+I have left all your children
+a <em>plum-cake</em> a-piece.”</p>
+
+<p>“Oh! very well, Madam,” said
+I; “if you have done that, I’m satisfied.
+With that, I seized the pen,
+and affixed my sign manual at the
+oven’s mouth; for what <em>sized</em> cake it
+will produce, I know not. So there’s
+an end of the concern; and my boys
+and girls will reap the harvest their
+father ploughed.”</p>
+
+<p>“Humph!” ejaculated Mrs. Tonic,
+on whose features sat the shade
+of disappointment: “I confess I’m
+surprised at her conduct.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</span></p>
+
+<p>“I hope there’s plenty of plums in
+the cake, however,” said Bob Tonic,
+with an unintelligent grin.</p>
+
+<p>“Few or many,” replied the Doctor,
+“you’ll take your chance: her
+old fool of a husband served me the
+same trick—in fact, worse; for he
+only left me a ring. Egad! I’ve
+kept her alive, by art, these seven
+years.”</p>
+
+<p>“Yes; your happy medical art,
+subjoined to the power of her head
+physician, the brandy bottle,” said
+Mr. Prolix, sneeringly, who felt he
+was five guineas out of pocket by the
+job. “Are you sure,” continued he,
+“she was compos?”</p>
+
+<p>“That’s no look-out of mine,” said
+the Doctor; “I only know I’m d—d
+mad.”</p>
+
+<p>“Then you know nothing of the
+tenor of the will?” asked Mr. Deposit.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</span></p>
+
+<p>“Not I! I don’t care a fig about
+it. If she sends for me any more,
+Bob shall go; he’s <em>paid</em> for it: I
+won’t go, by G—d!”</p>
+
+<p>“Blessed is he who never expects,
+for he shall never be disappointed,”
+exclaimed Parson Faddle.</p>
+
+<p>“Amen,” ejaculated Bob Tonic,
+bursting into a laugh at his own sagacity.</p>
+
+<p>“Well,” cried the Widow Quiz
+(primming her mouth, and shoving
+her elbows into her sides, as she
+drew up her head); “I wonder whether
+she has <em>cut off</em> the <em>entail</em> of her
+estate.”</p>
+
+<p>“She may cut off her head, for
+what I care,” replied the Doctor.
+“But come, good folks; if your cards
+are over, we’ll adjourn to supper;
+where, if we don’t find plum-cakes,
+we must content ourselves with bread
+and cheese.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</span></p>
+
+<p>We now followed, en train, to a
+table of cold relics: but as there was
+no <em>chantilly</em>, Mistresses Deposit and
+Fungus declined eating what they
+privately termed <em>kitchen scraps</em>, which
+the derisive contraction of their noses
+most perfectly evinced. The Doctor
+made a stiff bowl of punch, at which
+he was a famous hand; and Miss
+Elizetta treated us, after supper (at
+her papa’s request), with the “Beautiful
+Maid,” whom she completely
+murdered, for no screech-owlet ever
+quivered or shrieked more unmusical.
+My uncle fixed his eyes on me;
+and I very prudently cast mine on
+the table, till the hooting scream finished.</p>
+
+<p>“Bravo! bravo!” thundered the
+Doctor, rapping the table with his
+knuckles; while Mr. Deposit responded
+with the foot of his wine-glass,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</span>
+with as much dexterity as if it
+had been his own pulpit hammer.</p>
+
+<p>“Did you ever hear Braham sing
+that delightful song, Miss Tonic?”
+asked Mrs. Deposit, winking at Mrs.
+Fungus.</p>
+
+<p>“No, Ma’am; I never heard <em>nobody</em>
+sing it,” answered the bronze songstress.</p>
+
+<p>“I suppose not, my dear,” replied
+Mrs. Deposit, bursting into a rude
+laugh. “But that was not exactly
+the question I asked; because, of
+course, <em>nobody never</em> could sing <em>nothing
+nowhere</em>; but <em>somebody</em>, blessed
+with the enchanting powers of a
+Braham, might sing <em>anywhere</em>.”</p>
+
+<p>“True,” said the Doctor (who was
+neither aware of the exposure of his
+daughter’s oratory by the sarcastic
+lip of Mrs. Deposit, nor of Miss Elizetta’s
+self-conviction of false grammar),<span class="pagenum" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</span>
+“true; but my daughter’s are
+all <em>pure wild notes</em>; therefore, I say,
+the greater the merit. What think
+you, Mr. Victor?”</p>
+
+<p>“I agree with you, that <em>some</em> wild
+notes are exquisitely melodious, Sir,”
+returned I.</p>
+
+<p>“Can’t you tip us a stave, Victor?”
+asked my uncle. “They tell
+me you were always a devotee at the
+Oxford Music Meetings. It’s my
+opinion, you’re like the monkeys—know
+more than you think proper to
+own. Come, strike up; I challenge
+you. If I could sing, I’d set you the
+example.”</p>
+
+<p>Recollecting my uncle’s injunction,
+to <em>dash</em>, I instantly complied, and, to
+the best of my abilities, sang “Beware
+of Love;” for which I received
+a thunder of applause from Mrs. Deposit,
+who discovered I was well versed<span class="pagenum" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</span>
+in the science of music. “Why,
+my dear Sir,” said she, “you are
+positively the Apollo of the village:
+you frequent the Opera, I’ll be
+bound.”</p>
+
+<p>I confessed it an amusement of
+which I was extravagantly fond.</p>
+
+<p>“I thought so, I declare,” continued
+the voluble lady; “and, I dare
+say, you are a frequenter of that fashionable
+lounge, the “<em>Odechorologean</em>,” the
+“<em>Musederian</em>,” &amp;c.”</p>
+
+<p>“I am, Madam, an occasional visitor.”</p>
+
+<p>“Oh, oh!” said Mrs. Fungus, “I
+find you’re a very dashing young
+man: I shall send you a card for my
+fête, addressed to Apollo Victor St.
+Alban, Esq.—hey!”</p>
+
+<p>“Omit the first and last title, Madam,”
+said I; “and I’ll answer to
+the rest, according to the wishes of<span class="pagenum" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</span>
+my uncle, and the record of the parish
+register.”</p>
+
+<p>“You see what we Londoners can
+do, Doctor,” cried my uncle. “Ah!
+London’s the mart of science, the
+school of manners; it’s the only place
+worth living in.”</p>
+
+<p>“There I beg leave to differ,” said
+Widow Quiz: “I think London’s the
+school of vice—a nasty, dirty, smoky
+place—full of bad people—all extravagance
+and extortion.”</p>
+
+<p>“Then you don’t allow there are
+any bad people in the country,” replied
+my uncle; “or that, while a
+great hulking clodpole is swinging
+on a gate, and chewing fat bacon, he
+can possibly be brooding mischief,
+on the score of a <em>blight monopoly</em> in
+his corn, and a <em>dearth monopoly</em> of
+his cattle! No, no; let a countryman
+alone for that: though a fool in<span class="pagenum" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</span>
+form and manners, he’s a knave in
+principle. And what else can you
+expect from an uncivilized being,
+bred up amongst sticks, stones, and
+the beasts of the field—a mere living
+composition of pork and cabbage—just
+human, and that’s all?”</p>
+
+<p>“And, pray, what’s better than
+good wholesome pork and cabbage,
+Sir?” resumed the Widow. “If
+you lived with me, you’d have pork
+and cabbage, <em>cold</em>, for breakfast;
+cabbage and pork, <em>hot</em>, for dinner,
+by way of change; and cold pork
+and cabbage for supper, all the year
+round; with the exception of stone
+dumplings and harvest puddings.”</p>
+
+<p>“I thank you, Madam, for your
+bill of fare,” said my uncle; “but it
+would not suit my appetite.”</p>
+
+<p>“No, I believe not,” replied the
+Doctor. “However, we thank you<span class="pagenum" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</span>
+for your portrait of a country man.
+You’re a very severe genius, upon my
+word. We must mind what we’re
+about.”</p>
+
+<p>“Oh! I don’t mind being quizzed
+for a satirical crab, I assure you: I
+speak the plain, honest, home truth:
+I can nip as sharp as your blisters;
+aye, make as sore a place, occasionally,”
+retorted my uncle.</p>
+
+<p>At this moment Mrs. Fungus’s little
+lacquey-boy was announced, with
+his mistress’s clogs and lantern; and
+Mrs. Prolix’s girl-maid brought her
+mistress’s umbrella. This intelligence
+dissolved the party. The Widow
+Quiz retired to the Doctor’s
+best <em>check</em> bed; and my uncle, self,
+and Parson Faddle, found our way
+home in the dark; while the fantastic
+Mrs. Deposit condescended to
+follow her dear neighbour Fungus’s<span class="pagenum" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</span>
+“<em>glow-worm</em>,” she styled it; her
+family <em>scout</em> being left in London to
+sweep out the auction-room. And
+thus finished our visit.</p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</span></p>
+
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_XIII">CHAP. XIII.</h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>“Well, Victor,” cried my uncle,
+as we entered the parlour, “how
+stands your heart? You have not
+left it behind you, I hope, with the
+“Beautiful Maid.”</p>
+
+<p>“No, on my honour, Sir, it’s perfectly
+safe,” replied I.</p>
+
+<p>“And if it had been entrapped, I
+suppose you would not have had
+candour enough to acknowledge it—hey!”</p>
+
+<p>“Indeed, I would, Sir: I always
+estimate the truth too highly to disgrace
+it,” answered I.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</span></p>
+
+<p>“Have a care, my boy, I don’t try
+the reality of that profession some
+day, when you least suspect it.”</p>
+
+<p>“I’ll give you leave, Sir,” resumed
+I; “for, I trust, the person who ensnares
+my heart, captivates it, or
+whatever you please to term it, will
+never disgrace my choice, or your
+consequence.”</p>
+
+<p>“Time will prove it, Victor!
+Good night; pleasant dreams. In
+the morning, we’ll talk over the visit
+we have made. We are engaged, to-morrow,
+at Mr. Macfriz’s; where we
+shall have plenty of subject matter to
+amuse us: but, you’ll remember, you
+must not raise your ideas above par;
+we shall be in the mediocrity squad,
+and, therefore, suit our manners to
+our company. You’ll not have Mrs.
+<em>Calypso</em> Deposit at your elbow, Master
+Telemachus; old Mentor knows<span class="pagenum" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</span>
+better than to train his pupil in the
+den of a hyena: we go none to her
+cottage: you don’t want a microscope
+to inspect the motives of her
+crocodilic civility, I’ll be bound.”</p>
+
+<p>“Oh, no! I’d rather view them
+through a telescope,” said I.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle had now reached his
+chamber door, and we parted for the
+night.</p>
+
+<p>The next morning, while we were
+taking breakfast, another invitation
+card made its appearance from Mrs.
+Henpeck, requesting our company to
+dinner the following day.</p>
+
+<p>“Egad! we shall live cheap,” exclaimed
+my uncle: “our parties flow
+in so fast, that our own bread and
+cheese will grow mouldy. But, I
+suppose, I must give a grand gala in
+return; and you can assist in the duties
+of the table, by <em>anchovyising the
+apple-dumpling</em>.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</span></p>
+
+<p>“My dear Sir,” said I, “I feel the
+heat of one this moment on my cheek;
+the convictive crimson of which must,
+I’m sure, be evident proof.”</p>
+
+<p>“Why, you do look <em>cherry-cheeked</em>,”
+rejoined he.</p>
+
+<p>“There, again, Sir, I feel a retort,”
+not forgetting the espalier and the
+pane of glass, thought I.</p>
+
+<p>“A truce, a truce, to old grievances!”
+cried my uncle. “Before I
+answer Mrs. Henpeck’s cards, I want
+your opinion of our companions last
+night. In the first instance, what
+think you of Mrs. Deposit?”</p>
+
+<p>“A complete woman of the world,
+whose husband ought to correct her
+vices, and improve his own virtues,
+however slender.”</p>
+
+<p>“You’re right! she’s the weakest
+of mortals, a composition of vanity
+and extravagance, and, by aping her
+superiors, renders herself truly ludicrous<span class="pagenum" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</span>
+and disgusting, which her manners
+and converse must have evinced.
+But what say you of Mrs. Fungus?”</p>
+
+<p>“I think her the counterpart of
+her neighbour Deposit, extremely
+affected, self-consequential, and a
+countenance so replete with disdain,
+as to induce one to devote one’s attention
+to some more smiling and
+fascinating object.”</p>
+
+<p>“But do you know the reason of
+this lately assumed arrogance?” rejoined
+my uncle.</p>
+
+<p>“Reason can never justify arrogance,
+Sir.”</p>
+
+<p>“But what reason could <em>not</em> effect,
+fortune has,” replied my uncle; “for
+a legacy of two thousand pounds,
+left her by a distant relative, has so
+elevated her consequence, that the
+power of gold acted like electricity:
+it impaired her eye-sight, whenever
+she met an old friend in the street<span class="pagenum" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</span>
+(though a hundred times her superior);
+it caused a defalcation of memory,
+so great, she forgot her best
+and real friends, and, in a very short
+time, she <em>forgot herself</em> completely.
+She furnished a fashionable city
+drawing-room; oh! how superior to
+her former smoky parlour, decked
+with markettings, a littering cradle
+containing a squalling baby, a
+clothes-horse of <em>wet linen</em>, and a basket
+of <em>ragged stockings</em>, <em>baby’s etceteras</em>,
+and other family <em>repairs</em>; in
+which style Mrs. Fungus <em>mucked</em> on,
+and <em>entertained</em> her friends, en famille;
+though, were such things now
+whispered in her ear, it would horrify
+her gentility. Her husband, as
+times go, is a phœnix, and never contradicts
+her extravagant whims; because
+his deary’s <em>legacy</em> has <em>raised</em>
+him from <em>obscurity</em>, and made him a
+common-councilman, strutting, at a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</span>
+Guildhall dinner, by the side of his
+white and gold wife; while Miss
+Minerva Fungus, mama’s little image
+and darling pet, is bringing up, under
+her intuitive wing, a rival goddess:
+she reads with the fluency and
+emphasis of a Siddous, recites theatrical
+speeches with the grace and
+action of a Roscius, sings à la Catalani,
+dances like Angeolini; in short,
+if you heard Mrs. Fungus’s description
+of her little daughter’s accomplishments,
+you have only to add
+to the panegyric, by informing the
+world, she owes all her abilities to
+the <em>instructions</em> of her mama. We
+shall, no doubt, be invited to her
+fête; and then you will see how to
+<em>dash</em>, when your old uncle leaves you
+a <em>brace</em> of thousands.”</p>
+
+<p>“I hope I shall expend them consistently,”
+said I.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</span></p>
+
+<p>“If you don’t, it will make no
+odds to me: I shan’t be alive to witness
+your folly; you’ll feel its effects,
+not me, my boy,” said my uncle, as
+he sipped his cocoa.</p>
+
+<p>We hadn’t cleared the table many
+minutes, before our regular morning
+visitor, the Doctor, popp’d in.</p>
+
+<p>“How d’ye do? Have you heard
+the news? Miss Fitzclarence is arrived
+at the Rectory. By G—d, she’s
+the loveliest girl in England, a perfect
+Venus, beautiful as an angel,
+meek as a dove, and as rich in mind
+as in pocket, I don’t doubt.”</p>
+
+<p>“Heyday! heyday!” cried my
+uncle. “Why, Doctor, you’re an
+enthusiast. Zounds! I must take
+care of Victor.”</p>
+
+<p>“Ah! I wish I’d a son with an
+unengaged heart,” resumed the Doctor;
+“I’d break every bone in his<span class="pagenum" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</span>
+body, I’d kick the rascal out of
+doors, if he did not make himself
+<em>agreeable</em> to such a woman.”</p>
+
+<p>“But that might not be in his
+power, perhaps,” said my uncle.</p>
+
+<p>“Why, indeed, if she looked for
+beauty, we might fall short in that
+essential, to be sure.”</p>
+
+<p>“Perhaps, also,” continued my
+uncle, “she might require equal
+sensibility, and equal or superior
+fortune. What then, Doctor—hey?
+how would you come on thereabouts?”</p>
+
+<p>“Oh! perseverance, perseverance,
+is every thing with a woman! <em>coax</em>
+first, <em>bluster</em> afterwards, and then
+rouse their energies by <em>talking</em> of
+pistols, swords, ropes, or poison;
+and that settles the business.”</p>
+
+<p>“Without making <em>use</em> of either,”
+interrupted my uncle. “A very
+pretty mode of making love à la Tonic.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</span>
+You’ve the <em>family receipt</em>, I
+suppose; so that you could prepare
+the prescription for Victor, if it
+should be necessary. We’ll try the
+effect to-morrow morning, when the
+young lady’s a little more settled.”</p>
+
+<p>“Oh! Markwell’s family’s in high
+bustle, I assure you. There’s half
+a cart-load of goods at the door;
+there’s a fine gold harp, a beautiful
+piano, a most elegant work-table, a
+large portfolio, of drawings I suppose,
+with a curious writing-desk,
+and three large trunks of apparel.
+Such a bustle! they were running
+about like scalded magpies!”</p>
+
+<p>“Then how could you think of
+intruding in such a busy moment?”
+said my uncle.</p>
+
+<p>“Curiosity impelled me, and I
+could not resist the temptation.”</p>
+
+<p>“Temptation!” echoed my uncle:
+“what have such old fellows as you<span class="pagenum" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</span>
+and I to do with temptation? The
+very idea ought to be tartar emetic
+to you.”</p>
+
+<p>“Well; we shall hear your opinion
+of her,” continued the Doctor.</p>
+
+<p>“And it shall be an impartial one,
+depend upon it; not founded on the
+basis of momentary curiosity,” said
+my uncle. “Why, Mrs. Deposit and
+Mrs. Fungus will go crazy.”</p>
+
+<p>“I’m just going to call on the
+identical ladies, to impart the news,”
+rejoined the Doctor; “and so, gentlemen,
+I’m your most obedient;”
+and off he swaggered.</p>
+
+<p>“Victor! Victor!” exclaimed my
+uncle, as the door closed, “can you
+possibly exist till to-morrow, without
+gratifying your curiosity? If you can,
+I’ll order my horses, and we’ll amuse
+ourselves with a morning’s ride: I
+want to treat you with a few of our
+beautiful prospects, as well as our<span class="pagenum" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</span>
+beautiful maids. Egad! methinks
+the two songs selected last night by
+you and Elizetta Tonic, were extremely
+applicable to this said divinity,
+Miss Fitzclarence; not that I
+estimate the Doctor’s judgment of
+beauty with that of a Paris; add to
+which, he looks through very defective
+optics.”</p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</span></p>
+
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_XIV">CHAP. XIV.</h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>The horses were now ordered:
+my uncle mounted his old favourite
+mare, and I had Geoffry’s strong
+black nag; and, in a jog-trot style,
+we proceeded through the village.</p>
+
+<p>We had not gone above a mile,
+when, passing through a narrow lane,
+we met a gentleman on horseback, in
+the exact position of an X; that is to
+say, his elbows and toes were so horizontally
+stretched, they touched the
+hedges on each side.</p>
+
+<p>“Good-morning, good Sir! How
+d’ye do? how d’ye do? I’m taking a
+little air,” said the gentleman.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</span></p>
+
+<p>“That you’ve a right to, but not
+to <em>all</em> the road, by the by. Why, my
+dear fellow, there’s no room to pass
+you: you’re as formidable an object
+as a broad-wheel waggon. But what’s
+the matter with you—you look poorly?”
+said my uncle.</p>
+
+<p>“Eh! exactly so; I’m extremely
+asthmatic; I’ve wasted a pound within
+this fortnight, owing to profuse
+and constant perspiration: in short,
+Mrs. Dashwell is very asthmatic, and
+so’s my daughter-in-law and my nephew;
+and the <em>maid’s</em> very unwell.”</p>
+
+<p>“What! is <em>she</em> asthmatic too?”
+asked my uncle, with a suppressed
+smile.</p>
+
+<p>“Eh! not exactly so: but, I assure
+you, Mrs. D—— is very ill;
+she’s so <em>delicate</em> a constitution; she
+has not power to fetch the water to
+wash her hands.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</span></p>
+
+<p>“Indeed!” said my uncle, doubtingly,
+as he tossed up his chin: “a
+good, strong constitution, that can
+stand wind and weather, is a very
+enviable blessing.”</p>
+
+<p>“Exactly so: no woman possessed
+a better formerly,” answered he.</p>
+
+<p>“But we don’t grow younger and
+stronger every day,” cried my uncle:
+“and, perhaps, she may have made
+too free with her constitution in the
+early part of life; such as the damp
+<em>night air</em>, <em>high suppers</em>, <em>playhouse
+heats</em> and <em>colds</em>, and <em>so forth</em>. Those
+kind of things all take effect in
+time.”</p>
+
+<p>The gentleman turned pinkish, set
+up a hollow cough, tucked his toes
+under the saddle to give us room to
+pass, and, wishing us good-morning,
+cantered gently away.</p>
+
+<p>“Your friend has brushed off in a
+hurry,” said I.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</span></p>
+
+<p>“Yes,” replied my uncle; “he’s
+a bad digestion, advice sticks in his
+stomach, and an explanation of <em>causes</em>
+and effects always gives him a certain
+unexplanatory twinge. He’s a
+keen tradesman of the day; boasts
+his horses, his <em>half pipe</em> of <em>Madeira</em>,
+his haunch, turbot, and game parties;
+and longs to sport a shell of
+calipash to establish his galas; where
+the city nobility, alias the ci-divant
+<em>penny-postman’s son</em>, and the ci-divant
+<em>tallow-chandler’s daughter</em>, always
+find an upper seat, amongst many
+other plebeian fashionables; and
+while there’s strength enough in the
+<em>gunpowder</em> to make a <em>good report</em>,
+and prevent a <em>flash</em> in the <em>pan</em>, who
+so great, so consequential, while the
+rags circulate. But you’re a novice
+to my hieroglyphics, Victor: you
+don’t know the world in masquerade;
+yet it’s a very necessary science<span class="pagenum" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</span>
+to learn. But here comes a chaise:
+you must squeeze your horse close
+into the hedge, or there’ll be no room
+to pass.”</p>
+
+<p>The vehicle now approached, drove
+by a fat elderly woman; beside whom
+were stuck her two full-moon-faced
+daughters, in plebeian pomp, dressed
+in all the gaiety of presbyterian
+pride. She bowed, and immediately
+stopped her horse to facilitate our
+passing.</p>
+
+<p>“Good-morrow, Ma’am,” said my
+uncle: “I hope you are going to
+London to obtain an act of parliament
+for <em>widening</em> this road, since
+you’ve set up your <em>chaise</em>; it’s well
+enough to bump along in a <em>cart</em>; and
+where a man’s got his <em>bread</em> dependant,
+like <em>your husband</em>, why, the
+width of the road to <em>interest</em> is of little
+consequence.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</span></p>
+
+<p>“I assure you, Sir,” answered the
+fat lady, “I am astonished the inhabitants
+don’t rectify such a <em>nuisance</em>;
+I wonder they don’t go to
+<em>law</em> with the commissioners of the
+roads: I’m sure I’d readily <em>sign</em> the
+requisition: a set of <em>confederating</em>
+wretches!”</p>
+
+<p>“Aye; and, if they did not comply,
+you’d have no objection to lend
+us a hand to throw it into <em>Chancery</em>!
+Would you, Madam?”</p>
+
+<p>“Indeed, I would,” replied the lady,
+whose face flushed crimson. “I
+don’t mean to take things as I <em>have
+done</em>. Thank God! we’re out of <em>debt</em>
+and out of <em>danger</em>.”</p>
+
+<p>“That’s a comfort,” replied my
+uncle. “There’s nothing like honesty.
+I dearly love to see the <em>bond</em> of
+<em>generosity</em> cancelled by the stamp of
+<em>gratitude</em>.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</span></p>
+
+<p>The lady’s countenance changed
+from a <em>pink</em> to a damask-rose tincture;
+and, wishing us “good-morning,”
+her chaise whirled on with its
+<em>cargo</em> of <em>hypocrisy</em>.</p>
+
+<p>“And, pray, who is that group,
+Sir?” asked I.</p>
+
+<p>“Why, it’s Madam Sponge and
+her two girls, whom the unexpected
+windfall of a few thousands has
+raised from the abyss of poverty to
+the comforts of affluence, which their
+pride and folly will soon reduce
+to their former exigence; while the
+innocent and generous benefactor,
+whose unsullied fame they <em>vainly</em>
+strove to tarnish with the mildew of
+their calumniate breath, beholds,
+with the just abhorrence of every
+upright, honest man, the villainous
+principle of their corrupt hearts, and
+treats them with the sovereign contempt
+of <em>Virtue</em> trampling on the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</span>
+<em>scorpions of Vice</em>, <em>invulnerable</em> to
+their <em>sting</em>. We shall pass their
+newly-embellished hovel presently;
+and it’s a chance but we have a peep
+at the master, as well as the mistress.
+But let us trot briskly till the road
+widens, for it’s very unpleasant meeting
+carriages; and methinks I hear
+more wheels advancing.”</p>
+
+<p>Scarce had we attained the wished-for
+extent, when a miller’s cart
+approached; on the copse of which
+sat the miller and a farmer; both of
+whom bowed civilly, but spoke not;
+and the cart rattled out of sight.</p>
+
+<p>“I must again apply to your biographical
+book of knowledge, Sir,”
+said I.</p>
+
+<p>“Why, those two persons are Farmer
+Strut, and his son, Cloddy the
+miller, going home from market.
+You ought to have made a bow to
+him, to grind away all your sins; for,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</span>
+I assure you, he calls himself one of
+the <em>elect</em>.”</p>
+
+<p>“I don’t comprehend, Sir.”</p>
+
+<p>“That’s a sign you’re not <em>enlightened</em>,
+like Miller Strut. A methodist
+preacher turned his brains about seven
+years ago, and converted the sinner
+to the saint; since which, he infected
+the major and minor part of
+his own family with the religious mania;
+which contagion spread through
+great part of the village. The females
+of the family were easily persuaded
+to adopt their brother’s sentiments,
+but the elder and younger
+preferred their own opinion; while
+their father, the farmer, prudently
+considered there were more methods
+than one to pursue: he therefore suffered
+his wife and family to act in
+conformity to their feelings; while
+he rode up weekly to London, to arrange
+his <em>rag-shop</em>, see what <em>fish</em> was<span class="pagenum" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</span>
+best to fry, make his observation
+how the <em>grasshopper</em> jumped, take a
+peep at the <em>fat cattle</em> in <em>Racket-market</em>,
+and do a few convenient odd
+<em>jobs</em>—hear much, say little, <em>get</em> all
+he could, meet old friends with old
+faces, which, for want of walking in
+his spectacles, he mistook for <em>new</em>
+faces; for which reason he sold the
+<em>supposed masks</em> for the paltry sum
+of twenty pounds—the worst day’s-work
+he ever did; precluding <em>all future
+grist</em> to the mill. But Farmer
+Strut pleased himself.”</p>
+
+<p>“Silly man!” said I.</p>
+
+<p>“Aye; it is not every gander sees
+his own interest,” replied my uncle.</p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</span></p>
+
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_XV">CHAP. XV.</h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>We now jogged sociably on, calling
+at several cottages to distribute
+some of my uncle’s mites, surveyed
+the beauties of the surrounding country,
+and returned home to dinner, well
+satisfied with our ride; after which
+my uncle took a short nap to recover
+the fatigue of his morning jolt, and I
+amused myself by looking over the
+library, where I found the highest
+amusement, till he finished his snore;
+at which time we retired to make
+some necessary alteration in our habiliments,
+and, at six o’clock, set off for
+our visit to Mr. Macfriz, who received
+us very politely, and, like Dr.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</span>
+Tonic, introduced us, in the same
+form, to a room full of company and
+pictures; for the wainscot was so bedizened
+with the latter, that I could
+almost have supposed myself at the
+Royal Academy.</p>
+
+<p>The first lady to whom we were
+introduced was Mrs. Macfriz, a most
+diminutive, ill-built woman; who,
+when she rose from her chair, appeared
+to fall upon her knees: her
+features were extremely plain, and
+her complexion almost a woman of
+colour; her dress antiquely grotesque,
+and her toute ensemble disgusting
+in the extreme.</p>
+
+<p>Having gone through the ceremony
+of bowing and courtesying, we were
+introduced to the rest, in the following
+order:—Mr. and Mrs. Dashwell,
+Mr. and Mrs. Downright, Mr. Earwig,
+Mr. Undermine, Mr. Simon Undermine,
+and Mr. Consequence.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</span></p>
+
+<p>“You’re late, gentlemen,” observed
+Mr. Macfriz, drawing his watch;
+“it wants but a quarter to seven.”</p>
+
+<p>“You are incorrect, Sir,” replied
+Mr. Dashwell, looking at his repeater;
+which example was followed
+by every watch in the room: but
+none cut so great a dash as Mr. Simon
+Undermine’s, decorated with
+three immense large seals, suspended
+by a flashy chain, which he sat rattling
+in his hand, like a baby with
+its coral.</p>
+
+<p>“Yes, indeed, I’m glad the gentlemen
+are come,” said Mrs. Downright,
+an elderly woman, the epitome
+of vulgarity; “for I’m almost starved:
+I uses myself so to drink tea at
+five o’clock, that I’m like our black
+cat—I always looks for it, as the
+saying is.”</p>
+
+<p>No person made any answer; and
+Mrs. Macfriz rung the bell, which<span class="pagenum" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</span>
+produced two such high-piled plates
+of muffins and crumpets as might
+have victualled a small regiment;
+and Miss Macfriz was placed at the
+tea equipage to do the honours, to
+which her mama seemed incompetent.</p>
+
+<p>A fine Dutch piece, by Teniers,
+having attracted my notice, I could
+not help giving praise to the genius
+of that charming artist.</p>
+
+<p>“Yes, Sir, it’s a beautiful <em>thing</em>,”
+answered Mrs. Macfriz; “and I
+haven’t had a little trouble to <em>clean</em>
+them all: this morning I was three
+hours mucking over them; for, being
+a <a id="tn_184"><em>valuable</em></a> collection, I never suffers
+nobody to do nothing to them but
+myself.”</p>
+
+<p>“That’s right,” cried Mrs. Downright:
+“you’re like me, as I say to
+my chuck, and there he sits—there’s
+nothing like doing things one’s-self:<span class="pagenum" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</span>
+I’m sure I’d more plague and mess
+with the <em>chimbley</em>-sweeps this morning
+than enough.”</p>
+
+<p>“And what weather we had for
+our <em>great wash</em> last week,” interrupted
+the lady of the house.</p>
+
+<p>“Well,” said Mrs. Dashwell,
+“those are things I never trouble
+my head about; my constitution is
+too <em>delicate</em> to permit my attendance
+to household concerns.”</p>
+
+<p>“It’s lucky you’ve no <em>call</em> to do
+it,” replied Mrs. Downright: “but
+I likes it; I loves to be notable; not
+as I’ve any occasion, as the saying
+is; for <em>chuck</em> and I don’t want for
+<em>stuff</em>. We have worked hard; both
+pulled the same way, and <em>scrope</em> up
+a good bag of sweepings for our little
+darling, Jenny. We ben’t <em>musherroons</em>!
+No, no! We can buy our
+girl a husband any day. Can’t we,
+<em>chuck</em>?”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</span></p>
+
+<p>Chuck grinned, and, distending his
+wide snub from cheek to cheek, gave
+lovey a nod of approbation, and sat
+twirling his thumbs, as dumb as an
+effigy: and the ladies having finished
+their <em>notable</em> conversation, Mr. Consequence
+began to expatiate on the
+various topics of politics; amongst
+which, arguments strongly enforced,
+and as strongly defended, the subject
+of city concerns took its rotation; on
+which he declaimed with great vehemence,
+supported by his neighbour,
+Mr. Undermine, who had been <em>mole-working</em>
+for his friend, Mr. Penslow,
+on the late common-council election,
+by <em>ousting</em> what he termed the <em>old</em>
+and <em>useless</em> members, such as had
+grown grey in the service of their
+constituents, expended their property
+in support of the rights of the situation,
+without deriving <em>one penny
+emolument</em>, and then receiving for<span class="pagenum" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</span>
+their pains the base ingratitude of
+being denominated <em>deaf</em>, <em>blind</em>, or <em>superannuated</em>,
+which rendered them
+<em>ineligible</em>, according to the <em>new system</em>,
+and erased names from the <em>honourable</em>
+list that would have honoured
+a much superior.</p>
+
+<p>As the controversy increased, the
+gentlemen grew warm; Mr. Consequence
+declaring, it was highly proper
+to elect new, young, and able
+members. “I headed the business
+in our parish last St. Thomas’s day,”
+cried Mr. Consequence, “and ousted
+an old <em>deaf</em> member, who was laid
+on a sick bed, and, therefore, totally
+incapable of attending his precinct.”</p>
+
+<p>“Poor man!” said the humane
+Mrs. Downright, who possessed an
+excellent heart, which exhibited its
+virtues on many laudable occasions.
+“I think, Sir, <em>axing</em> your pardon,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</span>
+you broke your ninth commandment
+most completely; for it was a very
+cruel action to a sick neighbour, if
+he was an honest member of society.
+My chuck wouldn’t have <em>ficiated</em> in
+such a piece of treachery for the
+world: he’d have been ashamed of
+it.”</p>
+
+<p>“Oh dear! there’s no shame in
+the case,” observed Mr. Undermine.
+“My friend Penslow was a much
+more eligible man; and, therefore,
+we persevered, night and day, in our
+canvass, and succeeded to a miracle,
+compelling him to retire with <em>blighted</em>
+laurels, because he would not resign,
+consonant to my friend Consequence’s
+<em>positive requisition</em>...”</p>
+
+<p>“Pardon me! pardon me!” exclaimed
+Mr. Dashwell; “Mr. Penslow’s
+were the <em>blighted</em> laurels, torn
+from the pillowed brow of a worthy<span class="pagenum" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</span>
+veteran to adorn his own, where they
+must fade, <em>unenvied</em> and <em>unrespected</em>,
+as the emblems of corrupt <em>subtlety</em>;
+for I do hold it an unprecedented
+piece of <em>iniquity</em> and <em>mean</em> cowardice
+to attack an individual, merely because
+he is <em>defenceless</em>, owing to the
+affliction of Providence. For my
+part, I’m a common-councilman-maker;
+but I voted for no “jacks
+in office!”—not I.”</p>
+
+<p>“<em>Jacks in office!</em>” retorted Mr.
+Undermine, glancing an important
+look at his son Simon. “I hope,
+Sir, you don’t mean to insinuate, that
+<em>I</em> am a jack in office!”</p>
+
+<p>“I did not make any such pertinent
+allusion, Sir,” replied Mr.
+Dashwell: “for, in fact, till you
+have brought it to my recollection, I
+had forgot your late lucrative <em>agency</em>;
+which, to be sure, in the literal sense<span class="pagenum" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</span>
+of the word, is a <em>government dependence</em>,
+and thereby renders your situation
+<em>official</em>; which, if I am not mistaken,
+I have heard disputed, as a
+point of <em>ineligibility</em>—hey! What say
+you, Mr. Earwig?”</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Undermine, who had thus
+undesignedly knotted a lash for his
+back, because conviction popped the
+cap on his head, knitted his scowling
+brow, and, dropping his long chin an
+inch longer, while it quivered with
+passion, observed, “that any man
+who troubled his head with the concerns
+of another, in which he had
+no business to interfere, was an ignorant,
+impertinent fellow, who deserved
+proper correction.”</p>
+
+<p>“That’s precisely my opinion,” replied
+Mr. Dashwell; “for, I am well
+persuaded, one-half of your <em>city meddlers</em>
+had better attend to their counting-houses,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</span>
+than squabble away the
+precious hours that ought to be devoted
+to business.”</p>
+
+<p>“No doubt! no doubt!” cried
+Mr. Earwig; who, like his insect
+brother, always creeps into the best
+situation, and never crawls into a
+crab-apple while he can glide into a
+pine—whispers <em>impracticable promises</em>
+into your ear, and slides his hand
+into your <em>convenient pocket</em>, with the
+same effrontery that he introduces
+himself to every great table; where,
+perching himself as near the president
+as an eminent stock of assurance
+will permit, he seizes his button,
+which he never relinquishes till
+fumigated with the effluvia of his
+snuff; and, bored with his ceaseless
+half-articulate Champaigne jargon,
+the disgusted auditor releases his <em>imprisoned</em>
+button, and resigns his uncomfortable
+seat to the vice, leaving<span class="pagenum" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</span>
+Mr. Earwig to buz his nonsense to
+some idle listener. Thus Mr. Earwig
+lives <em>cheap</em>, boasts innumerable
+invitations, <em>listens</em> to the <em>commoner</em>,
+<em>sides</em> with the <em>lord</em>, and loves all
+<em>great folks</em> and <em>great feasts</em>—considers
+himself occasional <em>king</em> of the
+<em>Rose in June</em> and the <em>Canterbury
+Mail</em>, in which he makes frequent
+convenient excursions, when the <em>spice</em>
+business does not require his attendance
+in London; and, being now on
+a visit in this village, chance jumbled
+us together. This intelligence I gained,
+in a whisper, from my uncle, who
+had known him many years.</p>
+
+<p>“I assure you,” whispered Simon
+Undermine to Mr. Macfriz, “father
+and I took a deal of pains to get in
+Mr. Penslow; which we never should
+have done, if the old member hadn’t
+been too close confined with the gout
+to hobble round the ward; or else it<span class="pagenum" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</span>
+would all have been <em>dickey</em>; because
+he was a <em>favourite</em> inhabitant, who
+had been <em>bred</em>, <em>born</em>, and <em>patronised</em>,
+as member of the court, near <em>thirty</em>
+years. Egad! we’d tight work of
+it.”</p>
+
+<p>“I don’t wonder at that; I never
+heard of such a thing in my life,”
+said Mr. Downright, lifting up his
+hands and eyes. “But I hope the
+cruel disappointment didn’t kill the
+poor gentleman: I heartily hope he’s
+recovered.”</p>
+
+<p>“Oh, yes!” answered Mr. Consequence:
+“I’ve met him twice since,
+when I least wished it; and I hear
+he treats the matter with great contempt.”</p>
+
+<p>“Then, I say, he’s a cock of the
+game!” vociferated Mrs. Downright;
+“and I’ll bet a <em>farden</em> he could put
+half his parish into his pocket; aye,
+buy ’em, out and out! A rich man<span class="pagenum" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</span>
+has always more enemies than a poor
+one.”</p>
+
+<p>“Poh!” cried Mr. Undermine:
+“property’s nothing to do with the
+common-council.”</p>
+
+<p>“Egad! I believe you,” answered
+Mrs. Downright: “any thing does
+now-a-days, if they can but <em>kick up
+a bother</em>. Lord bless you! they all
+<em>squeedges</em> in, in hopes of getting the
+loaves and fishes that’s given away,
+except my chuck; and everybody
+knows he wants nothing of nobody.
+They can’t say, when he was churchwarden,
+that he ever flashed away
+with parish property, as <em>many folks
+do</em>.”</p>
+
+<p>Here Mrs. Downright drew up her
+head, dragged her pearl satin gown
+two inches higher into her lap, and
+took a good bonny mouthful of butter-soaked
+muffin, desiring her husband
+to do the same, after spreading<span class="pagenum" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</span>
+his silk handkerchief over his black
+sattins, which, she boasted, were her
+<em>own making</em>.</p>
+
+<p>This caused a smile from some, a
+titter from Miss Macfriz, and a <em>grin
+simple</em> from Mr. Simon Undermine,
+whose cassimeres looked, by their
+dimension, as if he had borrowed
+them of Messrs. Gog and Magog at
+Guildhall, where Simon dearly loved
+to wedge himself in, along with his
+<em>par</em>, every Lord-Mayor’s day, to a
+good dinner and dance with the
+girls; for, being now a man grown,
+he was occasionally his walking-stick
+or coachman; with an excellent
+family character, as a very <em>nice</em>
+young man, possessing all his father’s
+virtues, and in a fair train to obtain
+a wife, whenever he can meet with
+<em>plenty</em> of <em>money</em>; as none other need
+apply for that preference, who could
+not bring at least five thousand; and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</span>
+that’s barely sufficient to help supporting
+six o’clock dinners, a two-wheeled
+basket, and a four-legged
+factotum.</p>
+
+<p>Tea being over, the card-tables
+were adjusted, consisting of two
+whist, a speculation game, and a
+backgammon party, which created
+as much racket as the Stock Exchange,
+and highly perplexed Mr.
+Earwig and Mr. Dashwell: add to
+which, Mrs. Downright, who was on
+the losing game, kept repeatedly declaring
+she hadn’t got a <em>play-first</em>,
+could turn up nothing but the <em>d—’s
+bedstead</em>, shuffled nothing but rubbish
+and <em>Yorkshiremen</em> into her hand,
+and should not win above two tricks;
+and, whenever her husband hesitated,
+“Don’t be afraid; <em>clap a piece of
+butter</em> on it, my chuck!”</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Consequence and Mr. Undermine
+both played extremely unsuccessful,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</span>
+and thereby irritated their
+sour tempers; particularly that of
+Mr. Consequence, who had been all
+his life a member of the Snap and
+Snarl Club; for, though all the parish
+were compelled to bow to his
+decree, as its primary deputed guide
+and <em>guardian</em>, his sullen, morose,
+and disobliging temper rendered him
+much more an object of disgust than
+admiration.</p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</span></p>
+
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAP_XVI">CHAP. XVI.</h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Three hours had glided away
+amongst the contents and non-contents,
+when Mrs. Macfriz requested
+the game might be broke up to make
+room for the servant to lay the cloth,
+which was, of course, immediately
+complied with; and the table was
+spread with an inundation of spoons,
+glasses, silver goblets, and numerous
+etceteras; till the entrance of three
+immense capons, a leg of pork, a
+smoaking tongue, with sallad, vegetation,
+pies, and custards, wholesale,
+completed the set-out; Mr. Macfriz
+presiding at the <em>head</em> of the table,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</span>
+Mrs. Macfriz took the <em>bottom</em>, and
+the guests were promiscuously seated.</p>
+
+<p>Now it happened to be the fate of
+Simon Undermine to sit next Mrs.
+Downright, who modestly requested
+the leg of a chicken; and wishing to
+hand her plate for that purpose, and
+enforce his attention, she gave him a
+violent slap on the shoulder, and exclaimed,
+“Come, cockey, hand up
+my plate—will you?”</p>
+
+<p>Simon, bursting with indignation
+at her vulgar and familiar address,
+snatched it rudely from her, and called
+the servant to relieve his lily-white
+<em>do-nothing</em> of its incumbrance.</p>
+
+<p>“I could have done that myself,”
+said Mrs. Downright. “La! la!
+what a <em>tom bore</em> of a young man you
+be, Mister; you should always serve
+the ladies!”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</span></p>
+
+<p>Simon curled up his nose in derision,
+and turned his back upon
+her.</p>
+
+<p>“You sha’n’t be my son-in-law;
+you’d never do for my Jenny,” continued
+Mrs. Downright, giving him a
+second slap, which acted like an
+electric shock on his nervous system.
+“Be so good to give me a slice of
+that there tongue.”</p>
+
+<p>“I thought you had got some,”
+replied sulky Simon.</p>
+
+<p>“That’s <a id="tn_200">well</a> said,” answered his
+father: “few ladies are in want of
+that article! Ha, ha, ha! Well said,
+Simon.”</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Downright, nothing daunted
+by the retort of any puppy whatever,
+jumped up, and fetched herself a
+piece of bread; observing, those who
+were too indolent to <em>get</em> their bread
+ought to go without it.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</span></p>
+
+<p>“Then I should soon starve,” replied
+Mrs. Dashwell, “for I could
+not earn mine now.”</p>
+
+<p>“Oh, there’s more ways than one
+of <em>yearning</em> one’s livelihood,” replied
+Mrs. Downright: “if you could not
+do it one way, you <em>mought</em> another.”</p>
+
+<p>“But Mrs. Dashwell has no occasion
+to do it,” replied her lord and
+master, piqued at his gross companion’s
+<em>inuendo</em>.</p>
+
+<p>“That makes no odds,” replied
+Mrs. Downright: “what she <em>is</em>, and
+what she <em>may</em> be, are two very different
+things.”</p>
+
+<p>“Well, I’m a very happy man,”
+cried Mr. Earwig: “I’m like a gardener;
+I can raise my <em>salary</em> quicker
+than any man, and dispose of my
+<em>time</em> as I think proper.” Then grinning
+at his own wit, and displaying
+his <em>amber dechements</em>, he actually<span class="pagenum" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</span>
+hummed the O. P. dance, while his
+plate was refreighting with bonbons.</p>
+
+<p>“And I’ll tell you what you can
+do beside,” said Mr. Consequence,
+in an audible whisper—“you can
+get the blind side of one great man,
+and the <em>deaf</em> side of another great
+man—eh, Earwig! you can do any
+thing but what you’re <em>wanted</em>, we all
+know.”</p>
+
+<p>This caused a general laugh; but
+Mr. Earwig swallowed it in custard;
+and it died away.</p>
+
+<p>At length the diligent Mr. Macfriz,
+wiping the pearls of notability from
+his face, ordered the fragments to be
+removed, and the wine set on the
+table.</p>
+
+<p>Various patriotic toasts having
+briskly circulated, the ladies were
+called on for their favourites.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</span></p>
+
+<p>“Lord have ye! I’ve no favourites
+upon earth, but my chuck: however,
+I’ll give you a toast,” cried Mrs.
+Downright: “so here’s a health to
+the poor sick gentleman, and may
+he live to see those <em>turn’d out</em> who
+<em>turn’d him out</em>! I <em>loves</em> a bit of tit
+for tat; but some folks <em>is</em> like the
+hedgehog—love to worm themselves
+<em>in</em>, and worm others <em>out</em>.”</p>
+
+<p>The glasses of Mr. Undermine and
+Mr. Consequence were very sparingly
+replenished, which being perceived
+by the Argus eye of Mrs. Downright,
+she insisted on bumpers, which was
+very reluctantly complied with.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle proposed the addition of
+three cheers, in the energy of which
+applause he knocked off the foot of
+his wine-glass.</p>
+
+<p>“Never mind!” exclaimed Mrs.
+Downright: “I’d sooner make Mr.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</span>
+Macfriz a present of a dozen to-morrow,
+than lose the honour of my
+toast.”</p>
+
+<p>“Come, come! as we a’n’t in the
+House of Commons, gentlemen, I
+<em>begs</em> we may be all <em>unonymous</em>, and
+not reap up old grievances. Who
+will give us a song? None of my family
+were born skylarks; but I’ve
+some notion Mr. Simon Undermine
+can tip us a stave,” cried Mr. Macfriz.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Simon, who was sitting at
+full stretch on his chair, with his
+hands, as usual, <em>tucked into his
+breeches pockets up to his elbows</em>, assured
+the company, in his silly way,
+he never could sing in all his life,
+though he had had the advantage of
+plenty of singing-masters.</p>
+
+<p>“How d’ye mean? how d’ye mean?”
+asked his father.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</span></p>
+
+<p>“Why, haven’t I kept an aviary
+of Canary birds this <em>ever so long</em>?”
+replied Simon.</p>
+
+<p>“Pish!” said his scarlet-faced papa,
+shocked at his son’s nonsensical
+pun.</p>
+
+<p>“Oh-ho, Monsieur Canarie!” exclaimed
+the pedantic Mr. Earwig
+(who loved to let the world know he
+had attained a smattering of French,
+as well as a few <em>Irish bulls</em>); “vous
+êtes wit-ty.”</p>
+
+<p>Simon, abashed, sat silent; and,
+as I much suspected, my uncle pitched
+on me, requesting I would sing
+“Old Towler,” with which I unhesitatingly
+complied, and for which I
+received some very high encomiums
+from everybody but Mr. Consequence
+and Messrs. Undermine.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Downright soon afterwards
+found out she began to feel sleepy,
+and it was time for all honest tradesfolks<span class="pagenum" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</span>
+to go home to bed; she therefore
+began pinning up her pearl sattin,
+which gave the signal of departure,
+and broke up the company.</p>
+
+<p>“I think old Mother Downright
+cut up the <em>ousters</em> with a vengeance,”
+said my uncle, as we walked home.
+“To be sure, she’s a woman of very
+low extraction and rough manners;
+but she possesses an excellent heart
+of honesty and benevolence, and that’s
+an equivalent.” Few more comments
+passed, as the hour was late; and we
+therefore retired to rest.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">
+
+<span class="fs80">END OF VOL. I.</span></p>
+
+
+<hr class="r60">
+<p class="center">Plummer and Brewis, Printers, Love-lane, Eastcheap.</p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter"></div>
+<p class="transnote">
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE</span><br>
+<br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors have been</span><br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">corrected after careful comparison with other occurrences within</span><br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">the text and consultation of external sources.</span><br>
+<br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Some hyphens in words have been silently removed, some added,</span><br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">when a predominant preference was found in the original book.</span><br>
+<br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Except for those changes noted below, all misspellings in the text,</span><br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">and inconsistent or archaic usage, have been retained.</span><br>
+<br>
+<span class="pad05"><a href="#tn_12">p12</a>-&gt;  ‘had’nt’ amended to ‘hadn’t’</span><br>
+<span class="pad05"><a href="#tn_18">p18</a>-&gt;  ‘out of of sight’ amended to ‘out of sight’</span><br>
+<span class="pad05"><a href="#tn_70">p70</a>-&gt; ‘bepoke’ amended to ‘bespoke</span><br>
+<span class="pad05"><a href="#tn_95">p95</a>-&gt; ‘bacheldor’ amended to ‘bachelor’</span><br>
+<span class="pad05"><a href="#tn_120">120</a>-&gt; ‘fifteeen’ amended to ‘fifteen’</span><br>
+<span class="pad05"><a href="#tn_125">p125</a>-&gt; Archaic spelling of ‘desert’ has been retained</span><br>        
+<span class="pad05"><a href="#tn_184">p184</a>-&gt; ‘valeable’ amended to ‘valuable’</span><br>
+<span class="pad05"><a href="#tn_200">p200</a>-&gt; ‘we’ll’ amended to ‘well’</span><br>
+</p>
+
+
+<div style='text-align:center'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77997 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for eBook #77997
+(https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/77997)