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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78124 ***
+
+
+
+
+1066 AND ALL THAT
+
+[Illustration: Magna Garter]
+
+
+
+
+1066
+AND ALL THAT
+
+_A Memorable History of England, comprising
+all the parts you can remember, including 103
+Good Things, 5 Bad Kings and 2 Genuine Dates_
+
+_BY_
+
+WALTER CARRUTHERS SELLAR
+Aegrot: Oxon:
+
+_AND_
+
+ROBERT JULIAN YEATMAN
+Failed M.A., etc. Oxon:
+
+_ILLUSTRATED BY_
+
+JOHN REYNOLDS, Gent.
+
+
+METHUEN & CO. LTD. LONDON
+_36 Essex Street, Strand, W.C.2_
+
+
+
+
+_DEDICATION_
+
+ABSIT OMAN
+
+
+_This book was originally published October 16th 1930
+It has been reprinted thirty-four times
+Thirty-fifth edition, 1951_
+
+
+CATALOGUE NO. 3858/U
+
+PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN
+
+
+
+
+COMPULSORY PREFACE
+
+(THIS MEANS YOU)
+
+
+Histories have previously been written with the object of exalting
+their authors. The object of this History is to console the reader. _No
+other history does this._
+
+History is not what you thought. _It is what you can remember._ All
+other history defeats itself.
+
+This is the only Memorable History of England, because all the History
+that you can remember is in this book, which is the result of years of
+research in golf-clubs, gun-rooms, green-rooms, etc.
+
+For instance, 2 out of the 4 Dates originally included were eliminated
+at the last moment, a research done at the Eton and Harrow match having
+revealed that they are _not memorable_.
+
+The Editors will be glad of further assistance towards the elimination,
+in future editions, of any similarly unhistorical matter which, despite
+their vigilance, may have crept into the text.
+
+They take this opportunity of acknowledging their inestimable debt
+to the mass of educated men and women of their race whose historical
+intuitions and opinions this work enshrines.
+
+Also, to the Great British People without whose self-sacrificing
+determination to become top Nation there would have been no (memorable)
+history.
+
+History is now at an end (see p. 113); this History is therefore final.
+
+                                         W. C. S.
+                                         R. J. Y.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE TO SECOND EDITION
+
+
+A first edition limited to 1 copy and printed on rice paper and bound
+in buck-boards and signed by one of the editors was sold to the other
+editor, who left it in a taxi somewhere between Piccadilly Circus and
+the Bodleian.
+
+                                         W. C. S.
+                                         R. J. Y.
+
+
+
+
+ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
+
+
+The Editors acknowledge their comparative indebtedness to the
+Editors of _The Historical Review_, _Bradshaw_, _The Lancet_, _La
+Vie Parisienne_, etc., in which none of the following chapters has
+appeared. Their thanks are also due to their wife, for not preparing
+the index wrong. There is no index.
+
+
+
+
+PRESS OPINIONS
+
+
+“This slim volume....” (_The Bookworm._)
+
+“... We look forward keenly to the appearance of their last work.”
+(_The Review of Reviews of Reviews._)
+
+“... vague....” (_Vague._)
+
+
+
+
+ERRATA
+
+
+P. 3. _For_ Middletoe _read_ Mistletoe.
+
+P. 9. _For_ looked 4th _read_ looked forth.
+
+P. 43. _For_ Pheasant _read_ Peasant, throughout.
+
+P. 44. _For_ sausage _read_ hostage.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+AUTHORS’ NOTE
+
+
+Several portions of this book have appeared in _Punch_, and are
+reprinted here by courtesy of the Proprietors of that paper.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+CÆSAR INVADES BRITAIN
+
+
+The first date[1] in English History is 55 B.C., in which year Julius
+Cæsar (the _memorable_ Roman Emperor) landed, like all other successful
+invaders of these islands, at Thanet. This was in the Olden Days, when
+the Romans were top nation on account of their classical education, etc.
+
+[Illustration: Top nation]
+
+Julius Cæsar advanced very energetically, throwing his cavalry several
+thousands of paces over the River Flumen; but the Ancient Britons,
+though all well over military age, painted themselves true blue, or
+_woad_, and fought as heroically under their dashing queen, Woadicea,
+as they did later in thin red lines under their good queen, Victoria.
+
+Julius Cæsar was therefore compelled to invade Britain again the
+following year (54 B.C., not 56, owing to the peculiar Roman method of
+counting), and having defeated the Ancient Britons by unfair means,
+such as battering-rams, tortoises, hippocausts, centipedes, axes and
+bundles, set the memorable Latin sentence, “Veni, Vidi, Vici,” which
+the Romans, who were all very well educated, construed correctly.
+
+[Illustration: Dawn of British heroism]
+
+The Britons, however, who of course still used the old pronunciation,
+understanding him to have called them “Weeny, Weedy and Weaky,” lost
+heart and gave up the struggle, thinking that he had already divided
+them All into Three Parts.
+
+
+CULTURE AMONG THE ANCIENT BRITONS
+
+The Ancient Britons were by no means savages before the Conquest, and
+had already made great strides in civilization, e.g. they buried each
+other in long round wheelbarrows (agriculture) and burnt each other
+alive (religion) under the guidance of even older Britons called Druids
+or Eisteddfods, who worshipped the Middletoe in the famous Druidical
+churchyard at Stoke Penge.
+
+[Illustration: Agriculture]
+
+The Roman Conquest was, however, a _Good Thing_, since the Britons were
+only natives at that time.
+
+
+THE ROMAN OCCUPATION
+
+[Illustration: Roman occupied]
+
+For some reason the Romans neglected to overrun the country with
+fire and the sword, though they had both of these; in fact, after
+the Conquest they did not mingle with the Britons at all, but lived
+a semi-detached life in villas. They occupied their time for two or
+three hundred years in building Roman roads and having Roman baths;
+this was called the Roman Occupation, and gave rise to the memorable
+Roman law, “HE WHO BATHS FIRST BATHS FAST,” which was a Good Thing, and
+still is. The Roman roads ran absolutely straight in all directions
+and all led to Rome. The Romans also built towns wherever they were
+wanted, and, in addition, a wall between England and Scotland to keep
+out the savage Picts and Scots. This wall was the work of the memorable
+Roman Emperor Balbus and was thus called Hadrian’s Wall. The Picts, or
+painted men,[2] were so called to distinguish them from the Britons.
+(See _supra_, _woad_.)
+
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[1] For the other date see Chapter XI, _William the Conqueror_.
+
+[2] e.g. The Black Watch, The Red Comyn and Douglases of all colours.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+BRITAIN CONQUERED AGAIN
+
+
+The withdrawal of the Roman legions to take part in Gibbon’s Decline
+and Fall of the Roman Empire (due to a clamour among the Romans for
+pompous amusements such as bread and circumstances) left Britain
+defenceless and subjected Europe to that long succession of Waves of
+which History is chiefly composed. While the Roman Empire was overrun
+by waves not only of Ostrogoths, Vizigoths and even Goths, but also
+of Vandals (who destroyed works of art) and Huns (who destroyed
+everything and everybody, including Goths, Ostrogoths, Vizigoths and
+even Vandals), Britain was attacked by waves of Picts (and, of course,
+Scots) who had recently learnt how to climb the wall, and of Angles,
+Saxons and Jutes who, landing at Thanet, soon overran the country with
+fire (and, of course, the sword).
+
+
+IMPORTANT NOTE
+
+The Scots (originally Irish, but by now Scotch) were at this time
+inhabiting Ireland, having driven the Irish (Picts) out of Scotland;
+while the Picts (originally Scots) were now Irish (living in brackets)
+and _vice versa_. It is essential to keep these distinctions clearly in
+mind (and _verce visa_).
+
+
+HUMILIATION OF THE BRITONS
+
+[Illustration: (? or horse)]
+
+The brutal Saxon invaders drove the Britons westward into Wales and
+compelled them to become Welsh, it is now considered doubtful whether
+this was a Good Thing. Memorable among the Saxon warriors were Hengist
+and his wife (? or horse), Horsa. Hengist made himself King in the
+South. Thus Hengist was the first English King and his wife (or
+horse), Horsa, the first English Queen (or horse). The country was
+now almost entirely inhabited by Saxons and was therefore renamed
+England, and thus (naturally) soon became C. of E. This was a Good
+Thing, because previously the Saxons had worshipped some dreadful gods
+of their own called Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and
+Saturday.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+THE CONVERSION OF ENGLAND
+
+
+Noticing some fair-haired children in the slave market one morning,
+Pope Gregory, the memorable Pope, said (in Latin). “What are those?”
+and on being told that they were Angels, made the memorable joke--“Non
+Angli, sed Angeli” (“_not_ Angels, but _Anglicans_”) and commanded one
+of his Saints called St. Augustine to go and convert the rest.
+
+[Illustration: Angels?]
+
+The conversion of England was thus effected by the landing of St.
+Augustine in Thanet and other places, which resulted in the country
+being overrun by a Wave of Saints. Among these were St. Ive, St.
+Pancra, the great St. Bernard (originator of the clerical collar), St.
+Bee, St. Ebb, St. Neot (who invented whisky), St. Kit and St. Kin, and
+the Venomous Bead (author of _The Rosary_).
+
+[Illustration: Wave of Sts.]
+
+England was now divided into seven kingdoms and so ready were the
+English to become C. of E. that on one memorable occasion a whole
+Kingdom was easily converted by a sparrow.
+
+
+WAVE OF EGG-KINGS
+
+Soon after this event Egg-Kings were found on the thrones of all
+these kingdoms, such as Eggberd, Eggbreth, Eggfroth, etc. None of
+them, however, succeeded in becoming memorable--except in so far as
+it is difficult to forget such names as Eggbirth, Eggbred, Eggbeard,
+Eggfilth, etc. Nor is it even remembered by what kind of Eggdeath they
+perished.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+BRITAIN CONQUERED AGAIN
+
+
+The conversion of Britain was followed by a Wave of Danes, accompanied
+by their sisters or _Sagas_, and led by such memorable warriors as
+Harold Falsetooth and Magnus the Great, who, landing correctly in
+Thanet, overran the country from right to left, with fire.[3] After
+this the Danes invented a law called the Danelaw, which easily proved
+that since there was nobody else left alive there, all the right-hand
+part of England belonged to them. The Danish Conquest was, however,
+undoubtedly a _Good Thing_, because although it made the Danes top
+nation for a time it was the cause of Alfred the Cake (and in any case
+they were beaten utterly _in the end_ by Nelson).
+
+By this time the Saxons had all become very old like the Britons before
+them and were called _ealdormen_; when they had been defeated in a
+battle by the Danes they used to sing little songs to themselves such
+as the memorable fragment discovered in the Bodleian Library at Oxford:
+
+
+OLD-SAXON FRAGMENT
+
+    Syng a song of Saxons
+    In the Wapentake of Rye
+    Four and twenty eaoldormen
+    Two eaold to die....
+
+                        _Anon._
+
+The Danes, on the other hand, wrote a very defiant kind of Epic poetry,
+e.g.:
+
+
+BEOLEOPARD
+
+. .
+
+OR
+
+THE WITAN’S WHAIL
+
+. .
+
+    Whan Cnut Cyng the Witan wold enfeoff
+    Of infanthief and outfangthief
+    Wonderlich were they enwraged
+    And wordwar waged
+    Sware Cnut great scot and lot
+    Swingë wold ich this illbegotten lot.
+
+    Wroth was Cnut and wrothword spake.
+    Well wold he win at wopantake.
+    Fain wold he brakë frith and crackë heads
+    And than they shold worshippe his redes.
+
+    Swingéd Cnut Cyng with swung sword
+    Howléd Witanë hellë but hearkened his word
+    Murië sang Cnut Cyng
+    Outfangthief is Damgudthyng.
+
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[3] And, according to certain obstinate historians, the Sword.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+ALFRED THE CAKE
+
+
+King Alfred was the first Good King, with the exception of Good King
+Wenceslas, who, though he looked 4th, really came first (it is not
+known, however, what King Wenceslas was King of). Alfred ought never
+to be confused with King Arthur, equally memorable but probably
+non-existent and therefore perhaps less important historically (unless
+he did exist).
+
+There is a story that King Arthur once burnt some cakes belonging to
+Mrs. Girth, a great lady of the time, at a place called Atheling. As,
+however, Alfred could not have been an Incendiary King _and_ a Good
+King, we may dismiss the story as absurd, and in any case the event is
+supposed to have occurred in a marsh where the cakes would not have
+burnt properly. Cf. the famous lines of poetry about King Arthur and
+the cakes:
+
+    “Then slowly answered Alfred from the marsh--”
+
+                                         _Arthur, Lord Tennyson._
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+EXGALAHAD AND THE BRITISH NAVY
+
+
+King Arthur invented Conferences because he was secretly a Weak King
+and liked to know what his memorable thousand and one Knights wanted
+to do next. As they were all parfitly jealous Knights he had to have
+the Memorable Round Table made to have the Conferences at, so that it
+was impossible to say which was top knight. He had a miraculous sword
+called Exgalahad with which he defeated the Danes in numerous battles.
+In this he was also much assisted by his marine inventions, including
+the water-clock and the British Navy. The latter invention occurred as
+follows.
+
+Alfred noticed that the Danes had very long ships, so he built a great
+many more much longer ones, thus cleverly founding the British Navy.
+From that time onwards foreigners, who, unlike the English, do not
+prefer to fight against long odds, seldom attacked the British Navy.
+Hence the important International Law called the Rule Britannia,
+technically known as the Freedom of the Seas.
+
+
+HUMILIATION OF THE DANES
+
+The English resisted the Danes heroically under Alfred, never fighting
+except against heavy odds, till at the memorable Peace of Wedmore
+Alfred compelled the Danes, who were now (of course) beaten, to stop
+being Danes and become English and therefore C. of E. and get properly
+married.
+
+For this purpose they were made to go back and start again at Thanet,
+after which they were called in future Thanes instead of Danes and were
+on our side and in the right and very romantic.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+LADY WINDERMERE. AGE OF LAKE DWELLERS
+
+
+[Illustration: A Bad Queen]
+
+Alfred had a very interesting wife called Lady Windermere (The Lady
+of the Lake), who was always clothed in the same white frock, and
+used to go bathing with Sir Launcelot (also of the Lake) and was thus
+a Bad Queen. It was also in King Arthur’s time that the _Anglo-Saxon
+Chronicle_ was published: this was the first English newspaper and had
+all the news about his victories, and Lady Windermere, and the Cakes,
+etc.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+ETHELREAD THE UNREADY. A WEAK KING
+
+
+Ethelread the Unready was the first Weak King of England and was thus
+the cause of a fresh Wave of Danes.
+
+He was called the Unready because he was never ready when the Danes
+were. Rather than wait for him the Danes used to fine him large sums
+called Danegeld, for not being ready. But though they were always
+ready, the Danes had very bad memories and often used to forget that
+they had been paid the Danegeld and come back for it almost before they
+had sailed away. By that time Ethelread was always unready again.
+
+Finally, Ethelread was taken completely unawares by his own death and
+was succeeded by Canute.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+CANUTE, AN EXPERIMENTAL KING
+
+
+This memorable monarch, having set out from Norway to collect some
+Danegeld, landed by mistake at Thanet, and thus became King.
+
+
+CANUTE AND THE WAVES
+
+[Illustration: A Bad King]
+
+Canute began by being a Bad King on the advice of his Courtiers, who
+informed him (owing to a misunderstanding of the Rule Britannia) that
+the King of England was entitled to sit on the sea without getting wet.
+But finding that they were wrong he gave up this policy and decided to
+take his own advice in future--thus originating the memorable proverb,
+“Paddle your own Canute”--and became a Good King and C. of E., and
+ceased to be memorable. After Canute there were no more aquatic kings
+till William IV (see later, Creation of Piers).
+
+Canute had two sons, Halfacanute and Partacanute, and two other
+offspring, Rathacanute and Hardlicanute, whom, however, he would never
+acknowledge, denying to the last that he was their Fathacanute.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+EDWARD THE CONFESSOR
+
+
+On his death Canute’s Kingdom was divided between two further sons, who
+had been previously overlooked, Aftercanute and Harold Harebrush. These
+were succeeded by Edward the Confessor. It was about this time that the
+memorable Mac Beth (“Ian Hay”), known as the Bane of Fife, murdered a
+number of his enemies, including Mac Duff, Lord Dunsinaney, Sleep, etc.
+
+Edward the Confessor was with difficulty prevented from confessing to
+all these and many other crimes committed in his reign, as he was in
+the habit of confessing everything whether he had done it or not, and
+was thus a Weak King.
+
+
+THE LAST ENGLISH KING
+
+With Edward the Confessor perished the last English King (viz. Edward
+the Confessor), since he was succeeded by Waves of Norman Kings
+(French), Tudors (Welsh), Stuarts (Scottish) and Hanoverians (German),
+not to mention the memorable Dutch King Williamanmary.
+
+
+TEST PAPER I
+
+UP TO THE END OF 1066
+
+
+  1. Which do you consider were the more alike, Cæsar or Pompey, or
+     _vice versa_? (Be brief.)
+
+  2. Discuss, in latin or gothic (_but not both_), whether the
+     Northumbrian Bishops were more schismatical than the Cumbrian
+     Abbots. (Be bright.)
+
+  3. Which came first, A.D. or B.C.? (Be careful.)
+
+  4. Has it never occurred to you that the Romans _counted backwards_?
+     (Be honest.)
+
+  5. How angry would you be if it was suggested
+
+     (1) That the XIth Chap. of the _Consolations of Boethius_ was an
+         interpolated palimpsest?
+     (2) That an eisteddfod was an agricultural implement?
+
+  6. How would you have attempted to deal with
+
+     (_a_) The Venomous Bead?
+     (_b_) A Mabinogion or Wapentake? (Be quick.)
+
+  7. What would have happened if (_a_) Boadicea had been the daughter
+     of Edward the Confessor? (_b_) Canute had succeeded in sitting on
+     the waves?
+
+     Does it matter?
+
+  8. Have you the faintest recollection of
+
+     (1) Ethelbreth?
+     (2) Athelthral?
+     (3) Thruthelthrolth?
+
+  9. What _have_ you the faintest recollection of?
+
+  10. Estimate the average age of
+
+      (1) The Ancient Britons.
+      (2) Ealdormen.
+      (3) Old King Cole.
+
+  11. Why do you know nothing at all about
+
+      (_a_) The Laws of Infangthief and Egg-seisin?
+      (_b_) Saint Pancras?
+
+  12. Would you say that Ethelread the Unready was directly responsible
+      for the French Revolution? If so, what _would_ you say?
+
+N.B.--Do not attempt to answer more than one question at a time.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+WILLIAM I. A CONQUERING KING
+
+
+In the year 1066 occurred the other memorable date in English History,
+viz. _William the Conqueror, Ten Sixty-six_. This is also called _The
+Battle of Hastings_, and was when William I (1066) conquered England at
+the Battle of Senlac (_Ten Sixty-six_).
+
+[Illustration: First Conquering Action]
+
+When William the Conqueror landed he lay down on the beach and
+swallowed two mouthfuls of sand. This was his first conquering action
+and was in the South; later he ravaged the North as well.
+
+The Norman Conquest was a Good Thing, as from this time onwards England
+stopped being conquered and thus was able to become top nation.
+
+
+DOOMSDAY BOOK AND THE FORESTS
+
+William next invented a system according to which everybody had to
+belong to somebody else, and everybody else to the King. This was
+called the Feutile System, and in order to prove that it was true he
+wrote a book called the _Doomsday Book_, which contained an inventory
+of all the Possessions of all his subjects; after reading the book
+through carefully William agreed with it and signed it, indicating to
+everybody that the Possessions mentioned in it were now his.
+
+William the Conqueror (1066) is memorable for having loved an old stag
+as if it was his father, and was in general very fond of animals: he
+therefore made some very just and conquering laws about the Forests.
+One of these laws said that _all the forests and places which were not
+already Possessions belonged to the King_ and that anyone found in them
+should _have his ears and legs cut off_--(these belonged to somebody
+else under the Feutile System, anyway)--and (if this had not already
+been done) should have his _eyes put out with red-hot irons_; after
+this the offender was allowed to fly the country.
+
+Another very conquering law made by William I said that everyone had
+to go to bed at eight o’clock. This was called the Curfew and was a
+Good Thing in the end since it was the cause of Gray’s Energy in the
+country churchyard (at Stoke Penge).
+
+Although in all these ways William the Conqueror (1066) was a very
+strong king he was eventually stumbled to death by a horse and was
+succeeded by his son Rufus.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+RUFUS. A RUDDY KING
+
+
+[Illustration: A Good Thing]
+
+This monarch was always very angry and red in the face and was
+therefore unpopular, so that his death was a Good Thing: it occurred
+in the following memorable way. Rufus was hunting one day in the New
+Forest, when William Tell (the memorable crack-shot, inventor of
+Cross-bow puzzles) took unerring aim at a reddish apple, which had
+fallen on to the King’s head, and shot him through the heart. Sir Isaac
+Walton, who happened to be present at the time, thereupon invented the
+Law of Gravity. Thus was the reign of Rufus brought to a Good End.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+HENRY I. A TRAGIC KING
+
+
+Henry I was famous for his handwriting and was therefore generally
+called Henry Beau-geste. He was extremely fond of his son William, who
+was, however, drowned in the White City. Henry tried to console himself
+for his loss by eating a surfeit of palfreys. This was a Bad Thing
+since he died of it and _never smiled again_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+THE DREADFUL STORY OF STEPHEN AND HIS AUNT MATILDA (OR MAUD)
+
+
+The moment Stephen came to the throne it was realized that he was a
+mistake and had been christened wrong; thus everything was thrown into
+confusion.
+
+Stephen himself felt quite uncalled for, and even his Aunt Matilda
+was able to take him in when she began announcing that she was the
+real King. Stephen, however, soon discovered that she had been
+malchristened, too, and was unable to say for certain whether her name
+was Matilda or Maud.
+
+After this Stephen and Matilda (or Maud) spent the reign escaping from
+each other over the snow in nightgowns while ‘God and His Angels slept.’
+
+[Illustration: Lax State of Affairs]
+
+Taking advantage of this lax state of affairs, the Barons built a
+surfeit of romantic castles, into which they lured everybody and then
+put them to the torture; nor is it recorded that the Sword was once
+sheathed, right to the bottom, during the whole of this dreadful
+reign. Hence the memorable greeting so common among the Barons of the
+time--“Merrie Englande!”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+HENRY II. A JUST KING
+
+
+Henry II was a great Lawgiver, and it was he who laid down the great
+Legal Principle that everything is either legal or (preferably) illegal.
+
+He also made another very just arrangement about trials:--
+
+Before Henry II’s time there were two kinds of legal trial, (_a_) the
+Ideal and (_b_) the Combat. The Ideal form of trial consisted in making
+a man plunge his head in boiling ploughshares, in order to see whether
+he had committed a crime or not. According to Henry’s reformed system a
+man was tried first by a jury of his equals and only had to plunge his
+head into the ploughshares afterwards (in order to confirm the jury’s
+opinion that he had committed the crime). This was obviously a much
+_Better Thing_.
+
+The Combat was a system by which in civil cases the litigants decided
+their dispute by mortal combat, after which the defeated party was
+allowed to fly the country. But Henry altered all this and declared
+that a Grand Jury must decide first what the parties were fighting
+about: a reform which naturally gave rise to grave discontent among the
+Barons, who believed in the Combat, the whole Combat and nothing but
+the Combat.
+
+
+THOMAS À BELLOC
+
+It was at this time that Thomas à Belloc, the great religious leader,
+claimed that clergymen, whatever crimes they might commit, could not
+be punished at all; this privilege, which was for some reason known as
+Benefit of Clergy, was in full accord with the devout spirit of the
+age. Henry II, however, exclaimed to some of his Knights one day, “Who
+will rid me of this Chesterton beast?” Whereupon the Knights pursued
+Belloc and murdered him in the organ at Canterbury Cathedral. Belloc
+was therefore made a Saint and the Knights came to be called the
+Canterbury Pilgrims.
+
+Shortly afterwards Henry died of despair on receiving news that his
+sons were all revolting.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+THE AGE OF PIETY
+
+
+The Chapters between William I (1066) and the Tudors (Henry VIII, etc.)
+are always called the _Middle Ages_, on account of their coming at the
+beginning; this was also _The Age of Piety_, since Religious fervour
+was then at its height, people being (1) burnt alive with faggots (The
+Steak), (2) bricked up in the walls of Convents (Religious Foundations)
+and (3) tortured in dungeons (The Confessional).
+
+All this was not only pious but a Good Thing, as many of the people who
+were burnt, bricked, tortured, etc., became quite otherworldly.
+
+Nowadays people are not so pious, even sinners being denied the
+benefits of fervent Religion.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+RICHARD I. A WILD KING
+
+
+Richard I was a hairy King with a Lion’s Heart; he went roaring about
+the Desert making ferocious attacks on the Saladins and the Paladins,
+and was thus a very romantic King. Whenever he returned to England
+he always set out again immediately for the Mediterranean and was
+therefore known as Richard Gare de Lyon. He had a sword of enormous
+dimensions with which he used to practise cutting iron bars and anvils
+in half, whereas the Saladins had very sharp swords which were only
+useful for cutting cushions in half. In spite of which the Crusaders
+under Richard never got Jerusalem back; this was undoubtedly due to
+the treacherous behaviour of the Saladins, who used to fire on the Red
+Cross which the Crusaders wore on their chests in battle.
+
+[Illustration: A Wild King]
+
+
+THE STORY OF BLONDIN
+
+Richard is also famous for having a minstrel boy (or Touralour) called
+Blondin who searched for him under the walls of all the dungeons in
+Europe. This was when Richard had been caught by the blind King of
+Bohemia during a game of Blind King’s Bluff and sold to the Holy Roman
+Terror. Blondin eventually found him by singing the memorable song (or
+“touralay”) called “O Richard et mon Droit” (“Are you right, there,
+Richard?”), which Richard himself had composed. Richard roared the
+chorus so that Blondin knew which dungeon he was in, and thus the
+King easily escaped and returned to the Crusades, where he died soon
+after of a surfeit of Saladins, and was therefore known in the East as
+Richard Cœur de Laitue.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+JOHN. AN AWFUL KING
+
+
+When John came to the throne he lost his temper and flung himself on
+the floor, foaming at the mouth and biting the rushes. He was thus a
+Bad King. Indeed, he had begun badly as a Bad Prince, having attempted
+to answer the Irish Question[4] by pulling the beards of the aged Irish
+chiefs, which was a Bad Thing and the wrong answer.
+
+
+PRINCE ARTHUR--A TRAGEDY IN LITTLE
+
+John had a little nephew called Little Arthur, who was writing a little
+History of England in quite a small dungeon, and whose little blue
+eyes John had ordered to be put out with some weeny red-hot irons. The
+gaoler Hubert, however, who was a Good Man, wept so much that he put
+out the red-hot irons instead. John was therefore compelled to do the
+little deed himself with a large, smallish knife, thus becoming the
+first memorable wicked uncle.
+
+
+THE BULL
+
+John was so bad that the Pope decided to put the whole country under
+an Interdict, i.e. he gave orders that no one was to be born or die
+or marry (except in Church porches). But John was still not cured
+of his Badness; so the Pope sent a Bull to England to excommunicate
+John himself. In spite of the King’s efforts to prevent it the Bull
+succeeded in landing and gave orders that John himself was not to be
+born or marry or die (except in Church porches); that no one was to
+obey him or stand him a drink or tell him the right time or the answer
+to the Irish Question or anything nice. So at last John gave way and he
+and his subjects began once more to be born and to marry and to die,
+etc. etc.
+
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[4] N.B.--The Irish Question at this time consisted of:
+
+    (1) Some Norman Barons, who lived in a Pail (near Dublin).
+
+    (2) The natives and Irish Chieftains, who were beyond Pail, living
+        in bogs, beards, etc.
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+MAGNA CHARTER
+
+
+There also happened in this reign the memorable Charta, known as
+Magna Charter on account of the Latin _Magna_ (great) and Charter (a
+Charter); this was the first of the famous Chartas and Gartas of the
+Realm and was invented by the Barons on a desert island in the Thames
+called Ganymede. By congregating there, armed to the teeth, the Barons
+compelled John to sign the Magna Charter, which said:
+
+  1. That no one was to be put to death, save for some reason--(except
+     the Common People).
+
+  2. That everyone should be free--(except the Common People).
+
+  3. That everything should be of the same weight and measure
+     throughout the Realm--(except the Common People).
+
+  4. That the Courts should be stationary, instead of following a very
+     tiresome mediæval official known as the _King’s Person_ all over
+     the country.
+
+  5. That “no person should be fined to his utter ruin”--(except the
+     King’s Person).
+
+  6. That the Barons should not be tried except by a special jury of
+     other Barons who would understand.
+
+Magna Charter was therefore the chief cause of Democracy in England,
+and thus a _Good Thing_ for everyone (except the Common People).
+
+[Illustration: Utter Incompetence]
+
+After this King John hadn’t a leg to stand on and was therefore known
+as “John Lackshanks.”
+
+
+FINAL ACTS OF MISGOVERNMENT
+
+John finally demonstrated his utter incompetence by losing the Crown
+and all his clothes in the wash and then dying of a surfeit of peaches
+and no cyder; thus his awful reign came to an end.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+ROBIN HOOD AND HIS MERRIE MEN
+
+
+About this time the memorable hero Robin Hood flourished in a romantic
+manner. Having been unjustly accused by two policemen in Richmond
+Park, he was condemned to be an outdoor and went and lived with a maid
+who was called Marion, and a band of Merrie Men, in Greenwood Forest,
+near Sherborne. Amongst his Merrie Men were Will Scarlet (_The Scarlet
+Pimpernel_), Black Beauty, White Melville, Little Red Riding Hood
+(probably an outdaughter of his) and the famous Friar Puck who used to
+sit in a cowslip and suck bees, thus becoming so fat that he declared
+he could put his girdle round the Earth.
+
+Robin Hood was a miraculous shot with the longbow and it is said
+that he could split a hare at 400 paces and a Sheriff at 800. He
+therefore spent his time blowing a horn and shooting at the Sheriff
+of Nottingham (who was an outwit). He always used to sound his horn
+first, particularly when shooting round a corner; this showed his
+sportsmanship and also enabled him to shoot the Sheriff running, which
+was more difficult.
+
+Robin Hood was also very good at socialism and often took money away
+from rich clergymen and gave it to the poor, who loved him for his
+generosity. He died very romantically. Having taken some medicine
+supplied by his Wicked Aunt and feeling his strength going, he blew a
+dying blast on his horn and with his dying breath fired a last shot out
+of his bedroom window, and _hit the Sheriff of Nottingham again_.
+
+[Illustration: Sheriff running ... more difficult]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+HENRY III. A NONDESCRIPT KING
+
+
+Henry III was a confused kind of King and is only memorable for having
+seized all the money in the Mint, imprisoned himself in the Tower of
+London and, finally, flung himself into the Bosom of the Pope.
+
+While he was in the Tower, Henry III wrote a letter to the nation
+saying that he was a Good Thing. This so confused the Londoners that
+they armed themselves with staves, jerkins, etc., and massacred the
+Jews in the City. Later, when he was in the Pope’s Bosom, Henry further
+confused the People by presenting all the Bonifaces of the Church
+to Italians. And the whole reign was rapidly becoming less and less
+memorable when one of the Barons called Simon de Montfort saved the
+situation by announcing that he had a memorable Idea.
+
+
+SIMON DE MONTFORT’S GOOD IDEA
+
+Simon de Montfort’s Idea was to make the Parliament more Representative
+by inviting one or two vergers, or vergesses, to come from every
+parish, thus causing the only Good Parliament in History.
+
+
+THE BARONS
+
+Simon de Montfort, though only a Frenchman, was thus a Good Thing, and
+is very notable as being the only good Baron in history. The other
+Barons were, of course, all wicked Barons. They had, however, many
+important duties under the Banorial system. These were:
+
+  1. To be armed to the teeth.
+
+  2. To extract from the Villein[5] Saccage and Soccage, tollage
+     and tallage, pillage and ullage, and, in extreme cases, all other
+     banorial amenities such as umbrage and porrage. (These may be
+     collectively defined as the banorial rites of carnage and
+     wreckage.)
+
+  3. To hasten the King’s death, deposition, insanity, etc., and make
+     quite sure that there were always at least three false claimants to
+     the throne.
+
+  4. To resent the Attitude of the Church. (The Barons were secretly
+     jealous of the Church, which they accused of encroaching on their
+     rites--see p. 22, Age of Piety.)
+
+  5. To keep up the Middle Ages.
+
+[Illustration: To extract from _The Villein_]
+
+
+NOTE
+
+In order to clear up the general confusion of the period it is
+customary to give at this point a genealogical table of the Kings
+(and even some Queens) of England. As these tables are themselves
+somewhat confusing, the one which follows has been to a certain extent
+_rationalized_, and will, the Editors hope, prove to be exceptionally
+memorable.
+
+                           Julius Cæsar = Cymbaline
+                                        |
+             +--------------------------+----------------+
+             |                                           |
+          Balbus = Boadicea                    Alfred (Arthur) = Lady
+                 |                                             | Windermere
+                 |                                             | (The Lady
+                 |                                             |   of the
+                 |                                             |   Lake)
+          +------+                                  +----------+
+          |                                         |
+Edward the Confessor = The Lady
+                     |  of Shalott          John of Gaunt = (1) Lady Godiva
+                     |                                    | (2) Margaret of
+                     |                                    |      Angoulême
+                     |                                    | (3) Joan of Arc
+                     |                                    | (4) The Infanta
+                     |                                    | (5) The Maria
+                     |                                    |      Theresa
+                     |                                    | (6) Ann of
+                     |                                    |      Geierstein
+                     |                                    | (7) etc.
+                     |                                    | (8) etc. etc.
+                     |                                       |
+    +-------------+--+-------+               +---------------+---------+
+    |             |          |               |               |         |
+William I    Broody Mary   Edward I    Henry I o.s.p.*   James I    Richard
+    |             |          |               |               |       I
+    |             |          |               |               |         |
+William II    Elizabeth   Edward II      Henry II        James II   Richard
+    |             |          |               |               |       II
+    |             |          |               |               |         |
+Williamanmary   Anne      Edward III     Henry III       Charles I  Richard
+    |             |          |               |               |       III
+    |             |          |               |               |
+William IV        |       Edward IV   Henry IV (Part I)  Charles II
+                  |          |               |               |
+                  |        Edward V       Henry V        George I
+     +------------+          |               |               |
+     |                    Edward VI      Henry VI        George II
+     |                       |               |               |
+     |                    Edward VII     Henry VII       George III
+     |                                       |               |
+Victoria                                 Henry VIII      George IV
+
+
+                   Carried forward: Ole King Cole
+                                    Stephen
+                                    John o.s.p.†
+                                    Henry IV (Part II)     _E. & O. E._
+
+
+TEST PAPER II
+
+UP TO THE END OF HENRY III
+
+
+  *1. Give the dates of at least two of the following:
+
+      (1) William the Conqueror.
+      (2) 1066.
+
+  *2. What is a Plantagenet? Do you agree?
+
+  *3. Trace by means of graphs, etc.,
+
+      (1) The incidence of scurvy in the Chiltern Hundreds during the
+          reign of Rufus.
+      (2) The Bosom of the Pope.
+      (Squared paper, compasses, etc., may be used.)
+
+  *4. Expostulate (chiefly) on
+
+      (_a_) The Curfew.
+      (_b_) Gray’s Energy in the Country Churchyard.
+
+  *5. Estimate the size of
+
+      (1) Little Arthur.
+      (2) Friar Puck.
+      (3) Magna Charta.
+
+  6. Fill in the names of at least some of the following:
+
+     (1) -------------.
+     (2) -------------.
+     (3) Simon de Montfort.
+
+  7. King John had no redeeming features. (Illustrate.)
+
+  8. Arrange in this order;
+
+     (1) Henry I.
+     (2) Henry II.
+     (3) Henry III.
+     (Do not attempt to answer more than once.)
+
+  *9.
+
+     (_a_) How far did the Lords Repellent drive Henry III into the arms
+           of Pedro the Cruel? (Protractors may not be used.)
+     (_b_) Matilda or Maud? (Write on one side of the paper only.)
+
+  *10. How would you dispose of:
+
+       (_a_) A Papal Bull?
+       (_b_) Your nephews?
+       (_c_) Your mother? (Be brutal.)
+
+  *11. Which would you rather be:
+
+       (1) The Sheriff of Nottingham?
+       (2) A Weak King?
+       (3) Put to the Sword?
+
+  *N.B.--Candidates over thirty need not attempt questions 10, 2, 5, 3,
+  4, 11, 8 or 1.
+
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[5] _Villein_: mediæval term for agricultural labourer, usually
+suffering from scurvy, Black Death, etc.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+EDWARD I. A STRONG KING
+
+
+Long before Henry III had died (of a surfeit of Barons, Bonifaces,
+etc.) Edward I had taken advantage of the general confusion and of the
+death of Simon de Montfort (probably of a surfeit of Vergers) to become
+King before his reign had begun.
+
+[Illustration: Sat on it himself]
+
+Edward I was thus a strong King, and one of the first things he did was
+to make a strong arrangement about the Law Courts. Hitherto there had
+been a number of Benches there, on all of which a confused official
+called the Justinian had tried to sit. Edward had them all amalgamated
+into one large Bench called the King’s Bench, and sat on it himself.
+
+Edward I, who had already (in his Saladin days) piously decimated
+several thousand Turks at Nazareth, now felt so strong that he decided
+to Hammer the Scots, who accordingly now come right into History.
+
+[Illustration: Malleus Scotorum]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The childless Scotch King Alexander the Great had trotted over a cliff
+and was thus dead; so the Scots asked Edward to tell them who was King
+of Scotland, and Edward said that a Balliol man ought to be. Delighted
+with this decision the Scots crossed the Border and ravaged Cumberland
+with savage ferocity; in reply to which Edward also crossed the Border
+and, carrying off the Sacred Scone of Scotland on which the Scottish
+Kings had been crowned for centuries, buried it with great solemnity in
+Westminster Abbey.
+
+This was, of course, a Good Thing for the Scots because it was the
+cause of William the Wallace (not to be confused with Robert Bruce),
+who immediately defeated the English at Cambuskenneth (Scotch for
+Stirling) and invaded England with ferocious savagery. In answer to
+this Edward captured the Bruce and had him horribly executed with
+savage ferocity. Soon after, Edward died of suffocation at a place
+called Burrow-in-the-Sands and was succeeded by his worthless son
+Edward II.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+EDWARD II. A WORTHLESS KING
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Edward II had a wave of favourites or hangers-on at Court, of whom
+the worst were the Suspenders and the Peers Gaveston. There were two
+memorable Suspenders, the Old Suspender and the Young Suspender, and
+they were Edward’s reply to the continual applications of the Barons
+for a confirmation of all the charters and garters of the Realm. But
+even Edward II’s worthless character cannot alone explain.
+
+
+THE BATTLE OF BANNOCKBURN
+
+The Scots were now under the leadership of the Bruce (not to be
+confused with the Wallace), who, doubtful whether he had slain the Red
+Comyn or not, armed himself with an enormous spider and marched against
+the English, determined if possible to win back the Great Scone by
+beating the English three times running.
+
+[Illustration: THE BANNOCKBURN
+
+(or Flodden)]
+
+The fact that the English were defeated has so confused Historians that
+many false theories are prevalent about the Bannockburn Campaign. What
+actually happened is quite clear from the sketch map on opposite page.
+
+The causes of the English defeat were all unfair and were:
+
+  1. _The Pits._ Every time the Wallace saw some English Knights
+     charging at him he quickly dug one of these unnatural hazards into
+     which the English Knights, who had been taught to ride straight,
+     galloped with flying colours.
+
+  2. _Superior numbers of the English_ (four to one). Accustomed to
+      fight against heavy odds the English were uneasy, and when the
+      Scots were unexpectedly reinforced by a large body of butlers with
+      camp stools the English soldiers mistook them for a fresh army of
+      Englishmen and retreated in disgust.
+
+  3. _Foul riding by Scottish Knights._ This was typified even before
+     the battle during an exhibition combat between the Bruce and the
+     English Champion, Baron Henry le Bohunk, when Bruce, mounted on
+     a Shetland pony, galloped underneath the Baron and, coming up
+     unexpectedly on the blind side, struck him a foul blow behind and
+     maced him up for life.
+
+
+MEMORABLE SCREAMS OF EDWARD II
+
+Edward II was so weak that he kept banishing his favourites and then
+unbanishing them again. The Barons therefore became so impatient that
+they deposed Edward without even waiting to arrange for any false
+claimants to the throne. Thus Edward III became King.
+
+Shortly afterwards HORRIBLE SCREAMS were heard issuing from the
+Berkeley where Edward II was imprisoned and the next day he was
+horribly dead. But since not even the Barons would confess to having
+horribly murdered him, it is just possible that Edward had merely been
+dying of a surfeit in the ordinary way.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+
+EDWARD III. A ROMANTIC KING
+
+
+Edward III had a very romantic reign which he began by confining his
+mother in a stronghold for the rest of her life, and inventing a law
+called the Gallic Law according to which he was King of France, and
+could therefore make war on it whenever he felt inclined.
+
+In order to placate Edward, the French King sent him a box of new
+tennis balls. When the parcel was opened the Prince of Wales, who
+was present, mottoed to himself memorably (in Bohemian) “Ich Dien,”
+which means “My serve,” and immediately invaded France with an army of
+archers. This prince was the memorable All-Black Prince, and the war
+was called the Hundred Years War, because the troops signed on for a
+hundred years or the duration.
+
+
+THE BATTLE OF CRESY
+
+This deçisive battle of the world was fought during a total eclipçe of
+the sun and naturally ended in a complete victory for the All-Black
+Prince, who very romantically “won his Spurs”[6] by slaughtering
+one-third of the French nobility.
+
+
+THE SIX BURGLARS OF CALAIS
+
+Edward III then laid siege to Calais in order to be ready to return to
+England if necessary, and on the capitulation of the town ordered the
+six richest citizens to come forth with halters round their necks and
+wearing only their shorts, and to surrender all the keys in the city.
+The inhabitants therefore at once appointed the six chief burglars of
+Calais and Edward agreed with this, romantically commanding that they
+should be put to death as soon as they came in. His Queen, however,
+pointed out what a much more romantic thing it would be to pardon
+them and make them barons in the Exchequer. Edward therefore pardoned
+them in spite of his private feelings that the original plan was more
+romantic still.
+
+After this Edward had all the wool in England kept in a stable at
+Calais instead of in a sack in the House of Commons; this was a Bad
+Thing, as it was the beginning of Political Economy.
+
+
+WYCLIF AND THE DULLARDS
+
+During this reign the memorable preacher Wyclif collected together a
+curious set of men known as the Lollards or Dullards, because they
+insisted on walking about with their tongues hanging out and because
+they were so stupid that they could not do the Bible in Latin and
+demanded that everyone should be allowed to use an English translation.
+They were thus heretics and were accordingly unpopular with the top
+men in the Church who were very good at Latin and who liked to see
+some Dullards burnt before every meal. Hence the memorable grace “De
+Heretico Comburendo, Amen,” known as the Pilgrim’s Grace.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+ROYAL TACT
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Edward III had very good manners. One day at a royal dance he
+noticed some men-about-court mocking a lady whose garter had come
+off, whereupon to put her at her ease he stopped the dance and made
+the memorable epitaph: “_Honi soie qui mal y pense_” (“Honey, your
+silk stocking’s hanging down”) and having replaced the garter with a
+romantic gesture gave the ill-mannered courtiers the Order of the Bath.
+(This was an extreme form of torture in the Middle Ages.)
+
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[6] His father the King had betted him a pair of hotspurs that he could
+not do this.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+RICHARD II. AN UNBALANCED KING
+
+
+[Illustration: Got off the throne]
+
+Richard II was only a boy at his accession: one day, however,
+suspecting that he was now twenty-one, he asked his uncle and, on
+learning that he was, mounted the throne himself and tried first being
+a Good King and then being a Bad King, without enjoying either very
+much: then, being told that he was unbalanced, he got off the throne
+again in despair, exclaiming gloomily: “For God’s sake let me sit on
+the ground and tell bad stories about cabbages and things.” Whereupon
+his cousin Lancaster (spelt Bolingbroke) quickly mounted the throne and
+said he was Henry IV, Part I.
+
+Richard was thus abdicated and was led to the Tower and subsequently to
+Pontefract Castle where he died of mysterious circumstances, probably a
+surfeit of Pumfreys (spelt Pontefracts).
+
+
+APPENDIX
+
+THE PHEASANTS REVOLT
+
+
+They did this in several reigns under such memorable leaders as Black
+Kat, Straw Hat, John Bull and What Tyler
+
+I. Objects:
+
+   (_a_) to obtain a free pardon for having revolted.
+
+   (_b_) to find out which was the gentleman when Adam delved and Eve
+         span. (The answer was, of course, Adam, but the mystics of the
+         Church had concealed this dangerous knowledge.)
+
+  (_c_) to find out who was King and which of them was the Leader of
+        the Rebellion.
+
+  (_d_) to abolish the Villein.
+
+The Pheasants’ Revolts were therefore purely educational movements and
+were thus easily suppressed.
+
+II. How Quelled:
+
+  (_a_) the Pheasants were met at Smithfield by the King who
+
+  (_b_) riding forward alone on a white horse answered object (_c_) by
+        announcing (I) “I am your King,” and (II) “I will be your
+        leader.”
+
+  (_c_) the real leader was then slain quickly by one of the Barons.
+
+  (_d_) a free pardon was granted to the Pheasants [see object (_a_)].
+
+  (_e_) all were then put to death on the ground that they were
+        Villeins [see object (_d_)].
+
+These Revolts were thus clearly romantic episodes, and a Good Thing,
+and the clergy were enabled to prevent the pheasants finding out the
+answer to object (_b_).
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+
+HENRY IV. A SPLIT KING
+
+
+When Henry IV Part I came to the throne the Barons immediately flung
+their gloves on the floor in order to prove
+
+  1. That Richard II was not yet dead
+  2. That Henry had murdered him.
+
+Henry very gallantly replied to this challenge by exhibiting Richard
+II’s head in St. Paul’s Cathedral, thus proving that he was innocent.
+Finding, however, that he was not memorable, he very patriotically
+abdicated in favour of Henry IV, Part II.
+
+
+RENEWED EDUCATIONAL FERMENT
+
+Even Henry IV Part II, however, is only memorable for having passed
+some interesting laws against his _Old Retainers_, i.e. butlers and
+sutlers, who had irritated him by demanding _Liveries_, requiring too
+much _Maintenance_, etc. He also captured the Scottish Prince James
+and, while keeping him as a sausage, had him carefully educated for
+nineteen years; finding, however, that James was still Scotch, Henry IV
+Part II lost interest in education and died.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+
+HENRY V. AN IDEAL KING
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+On the death of Henry IV Part II, his son, Prince Hal, who had won all
+English hearts by his youthful pranks--(such as trying on the crown
+while his father lay dying, and hitting a very old man called Judge
+Gascoigne)--determined to justify public expectation by becoming the
+_Ideal English King_. He therefore decided on an immediate appearance
+in the Hundred Years War, making a declaration that all the treaties
+with France were to be regarded as dull and void.
+
+Conditions in France were favourable to Henry since the French King,
+being mad, had entrusted the government of the country to a dolphin and
+the command of the army to an elderly constable. After capturing some
+breeches at Harfleur (more than once) by the original expedients of
+disguising his friends as imitation tigers, stiffening their sinews,
+etc., Henry was held up on the road to Calais by the constable, whom
+he defeated at the utterably memorable battle of AGINCOURT (French
+POICTIERS). He then displaced the dolphin as ruler of Anjou, Menjou,
+Poilou, Maine, Touraine, Againe and Againe, and realizing that he was
+now too famous to live long expired at the ideal moment.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+
+HENRY VI. A VERY SMALL KING
+
+
+[Illustration: A Weak King]
+
+The next King, Henry VI, was only one year old and was thus rather
+a Weak King; indeed the Barons declared that he was quite numb and
+vague. When he grew up, however, he was such a Good Man that he was
+considered a Saint, or alternatively (especially by the Barons) an
+imbecile.
+
+
+JOAN OF ARK
+
+During this reign the Hundred Years War was brought to an end by _Joan
+of Ark_, a French descendant of Noah who after hearing Angel voices
+singing _Do Ré Mi_ became inspired, thus unfairly defeating the English
+in several battles. Indeed, she might even have made France top nation
+if the Church had not decided that she would make an exceptionally
+memorable martyr. Thus Joan of Ark was a Good Thing in the end and is
+now the only memorable French saint.
+
+
+THE WARS OF THE ROSES
+
+Noticing suddenly that the Middle Ages were coming to an end, the
+Barons now made a stupendous effort to revive the old Feudal amenities
+of Sackage, Carnage and Wreckage and so stave off the Tudors for a
+time. They achieved this by a very clever plan, known as the _Wars of
+the Roses_ (because the Barons all picked different coloured roses in
+order to see which side they were on).
+
+
+WARWICK THE KINGMAKER
+
+One of the rules in the Wars of the Roses was that nobody was ever
+really King but that Edmund Mortimer really ought to be: any Baron
+who wished to be considered King was allowed to apply at Warwick
+the Kingmaker’s, where he was made to fill up a form, answering the
+following questions:
+
+  1. Are you a good plain cook?
+
+  2. Are you Edmund Mortimer? If not, have you got him?
+
+  3. Have you ever been King before? If so, state how many times; also
+     whether deposed, beheaded, or died of surfeit.
+
+  4. Are you insane? If so, state whether permanently or only
+     temporarily.
+
+  5. Are you prepared to marry Margaret of Angoulême? If Isabella of
+     Hainault preferred, give reasons. (Candidates are advised not to
+     attempt both ladies.)
+
+  6. Have you had the Black Death?
+
+  7. What have you done with your mother? (If _Nun_, write _None_.)
+
+  8. Do you intend to be
+
+     I  (_a_) a Good King.
+        (_b_) a Bad King.
+        (_c_) a Weak King.
+    II  (_a_) a Good Man.
+        (_b_) a Bad Man.
+
+    (Candidates must not attempt more than one in each section.)
+
+  9. How do you propose to die? (Write your answer in BLOCK CAPITALS.)
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIX
+
+CAUSE OF THE TUDORS
+
+
+During the Wars of the Roses the Kings became less and less memorable
+(sometimes even getting in the wrong order) until at last one of
+them was nothing but some little princes smothered in the Tower, and
+another, finding that his name was Clarence, had himself drowned in a
+spot of Malmsey wine; while the last of all even attempted to give his
+Kingdom to a horse. It was therefore decided, since the Stuarts were
+not ready yet, to have some Welsh Kings called Tudors (on account of
+their descent from Owen Glendower) who, it was hoped, would be more
+memorable.
+
+[Illustration: Finding that his name was Clarence]
+
+The first of these Welsh Kings was Henry VII, who defeated all other
+Kings at the Battle of Boswell Field and took away their roses. After
+the battle the crown was found hanging up in a hawthorn tree on top
+of a hill. This is memorable as being the only occasion on which the
+crown has been found after a battle hanging up in a hawthorn tree on
+top of a hill.
+
+
+HENRY VII’S STATECRAFT
+
+Henry VII was a miser and very good at statecraft; he invented some
+extremely clever policies such as the one called Morton’s Fork. This
+was an enormous prong with which his minister Morton visited the rich
+citizens (or burghlers as they were called). If the citizen said he was
+poor, Morton drove his Fork in a certain distance and promised not to
+take it out until the citizen paid a large sum of money to the King.
+As soon as this was forthcoming Morton dismissed him, at the same time
+shouting “Fork Out” so that Henry would know the statecraft had been
+successful. If the burghler said he was quite rich Morton did the same
+thing: it was thus a very clever policy and always succeeded except
+when Morton put the Fork in too far.
+
+[Illustration: A certain distance]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXX
+
+LAMBERT SIMNEL AND PERKIN WARBECK
+
+
+English History has always been subject to Waves of Pretenders. These
+have usually come in small waves of about 2--an Old Pretender and a
+Young Pretender, their object being to sow dissension in the realm, and
+if possible to confuse the Royal issue by pretending to be heirs to the
+throne.
+
+Two Pretenders who now arose were Lambert Simnel and Perkin Warbeck,
+and they succeeded in confusing the issue absolutely by being so
+similar that some historians suggest they were really the same person
+(i.e. the Earl of Warbeck).
+
+Lambert Simnel (the Young Pretender) was really (probably) himself,
+but cleverly pretended to be the Earl of Warbeck. Henry VII therefore
+ordered him to be led through the streets of London to prove that he
+really was.
+
+Perkin Warbeck (the Older and more confusing Pretender) insisted that
+he was himself, thus causing complete dissension till Henry VII had him
+led through the streets of London to prove that he was really Lambert
+Simnel.
+
+The punishment of these memorable Pretenders was justly similar, since
+Perkin Warmnel was compelled to become a blot on the King’s skitchen,
+while Perbeck was made an escullion. Wimneck, however, subsequently
+began pretending again. This time he pretended that he had been
+smothered in early youth and buried under a stair-rod while pretending
+to be one of the Little Princes in the Tower. In order to prove that
+he had not been murdered before, Henry was reluctantly compelled to
+have him really executed.
+
+[Illustration: Punishment of Lamnel (or Wermkin)]
+
+Even after his execution many people believed that he was only
+pretending to have been beheaded, while others declared that it was not
+Warmneck at all but Lamkin, and that Permnel had been dead all the time
+really, like Queen Anne.
+
+
+POYNING’S LAW
+
+Henry VII was very good at answering the Irish Question, and made a
+Law called Poyning’s Law by which the Irish could have a Parliament of
+their own, but the English were to pass all the Acts in it. This was
+obviously a very Good Thing.
+
+
+AGE OF DARING DISCOVERIES
+
+The reign of Henry VII marks the end of the Middle Ages. These were
+succeeded by an age of daring discoveries, such as when Caprornicus
+observed the Moon while searching the skies with a telescope, thus
+causing the rotation of the Earth, crops, etc. Emboldened by this,
+Caprornicus began openly discussing the topic of capricorns, for which
+he was unanimously put to death.
+
+The greatest of these discoverers, however, was St. Christophus
+Columba, the utterly memorable American, who, with the assistance of
+the intrepid adventurers John and Sebastian Robot, discovered how to
+make an egg stand on its wrong end. (Modern History is generally dated
+from this event.)
+
+
+TEST PAPER III
+
+UP TO THE END OF HENRY VII
+
+
+  1. Contract, Expand and Explode
+
+     (_a_) The Charters and Garters of the Realm.
+     (_b_) The Old Suspender.
+
+  2. How did any _one_ of the following differ from any one of the
+     other?
+
+     (1) Henry IV, Part I.
+     (2) Henry IV, Part II.
+
+  3. “The end of the closing of the 2nd stage of the Treaty of Bretigny
+     marks the opening of a new phase in the 1st stage of the
+     termination of the Hundred Years War.” (Confute.)
+
+  4. “Know ye not Agincourt?” (Confess.)
+
+  5. “Uneasy lies the head that wears a Throne.”
+
+     (_a_) Suggest remedies, or
+     (_b_) Imitate the action of a Tiger.
+
+  6. Intone interminably (but inaudibly)
+
+      i The Pilgrims’ Grace.
+     ii “Cuccu.”
+
+  7. Do not draw a skotch-map of the Battle of Bannockburn, but write
+     not more than three lines on the advantages and disadvantages of
+     the inductive historical method with special relation to
+     ecclesiastical litigation in the earlier Lancastrian epochs.
+
+  8. How would you confuse
+
+     (1) The Wars of the Roses?
+     (2) Lamnel Simian and Percy Warmneck?
+     (3) The Royal issue?
+
+  9. Why do you picture John of Gaunt as a rather emaciated grandee?
+
+  10. Describe in excessive detail
+
+      (_a_) The advantages of the Black Death.
+      (_b_) The fate of the Duke of Clarence.
+      (_c_) A Surfeit.
+
+N.B.--Candidates should write on at least one side of the paper.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXI
+
+BLUFF KING HAL
+
+
+Henry VIII was a strong King with a very strong sense of humour and
+VIII wives, memorable amongst whom were Katherine the Arrogant, Anne of
+Cloves, Lady Jane Austin and Anne Hathaway. His beard was, however, red.
+
+In his youth Henry was fond of playing tennis and after his accession
+is believed never to have lost a set. He also invented a game called
+“_Bluff King Hal_” which he invited his ministers to play with him. The
+players were blindfolded and knelt down with their heads on a block of
+wood; they then guessed whom the King would marry next.
+
+Cardinal Wolsey, the memorable homespun statesman and inventor of
+the Wolsack, played this game with Henry and won. But his successor,
+Cromwell (_not to be confused with Cromwell_), after winning on
+points, was disqualified by the King (who always acted as umpire), and
+lost.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+In the opinion of Shakespeare (the memorable play-writer and Top Poet)
+his unexpected defeat was due to his failure to fling away ambition.
+
+
+THE RESTORATION
+
+Henry wanted the Pope to give him a divorce from his first wife,
+Katherine. He wanted this because
+
+  (_a_) she was Arrogant.
+
+  (_b_) he had married her a very long time ago.
+
+  (_c_) when she had a baby it turned out to be Broody Mary, and Henry
+        wanted a boy.
+
+  (_d_) he thought it would be a Good Thing.
+
+The Pope, however, refused, and seceded with all his followers from the
+Church of England. This was called the Restoration.
+
+
+HENRY’S PLAN FAILS
+
+Curiously enough Henry had all the time had an idea about a new wife
+for himself called Anne, who, he thought, looked as if she would be
+sure to have a son. So when the Divorce was all over (or nearly) he
+married her; but he was wrong about Anne, because she had a girl too,
+in a way (see Elizabeth).
+
+After this Henry was afraid his reign would not be long enough for any
+more divorces, so he gave them up and executed his wives instead.[7] He
+also got less interested in his wives and gave himself up to Diplomacy,
+spending a great deal of his time playing tennis, etc., with the young
+King of France in a field called the Field of the Crock of Gold.
+
+
+END OF WOLSEY
+
+Cardinal Wolsey, although (as is well known) he had not thought to shed
+a tear about all this, did ultimately shed a memorable one. Having thus
+fallen from grace (indeed he had already been discovered entertaining
+some Papal Bulls) Wolsey determined to make a Pilgrimage to Leicester
+Abbey, saying to himself: “If I had served my God as I have served my
+King, I would have been a Good Thing.” Having thus acknowledged that
+he was a Bad Man, and being in due course arrived at the Abbey, Wolsey
+very pluckily expired after making a memorable speech to the Prior,
+beginning, “Father Abbot, I come to lay my bones among you. Not to
+praise them....”
+
+
+THE MONASTERIES
+
+One of the strongest things that Henry VIII did was about the
+Monasteries. It was pointed out to him that no one in the monasteries
+was married, as the Monks all thought it was still the Middle Ages. So
+Henry, who, of course, considered marrying a Good Thing, told Cromwell
+to pass a very strong Act saying that the Middle Ages were all over
+and the monasteries were all to be dissolved. This was called the
+Disillusion of the Monasteries.
+
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[7] NOTE.--All except Anne of Cloves, whom he had on approval from
+Belgium and sent back on discovering that she was really not a queen at
+all but a “fat mare with glanders.”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXII
+
+EDWARD VI AND BROODY MARY
+
+
+Edward VI and Broody Mary were the two small Tudors who came in between
+the two big ones, Henry VIII and Elizabeth. Edward VI was only a boy
+and consequently was not allowed to have his reign properly, but
+while he was sitting on the throne everyone in the land was forced to
+become Protestant, so that Broody Mary would be able to put them to
+death afterwards for not being Roman Catholics. A good many people
+protested against this treatment and thus it was proved that they were
+Protestants, but most of the people decanted and were all right. Broody
+Mary’s reign was, however, a Bad Thing, since England is bound to be C.
+of E., so all the executions were wasted.
+
+
+CRAMBER AND FATIMER
+
+It was about this time that a memorable Dumb Crammer and one of Henry
+VIII’s wives called Fatimer, who had survived him, got burnt alive at
+Oxford, while trying to light a candle in the Martyr’s memorial there:
+it was a new candle which they had invented and which they said could
+never be put out.
+
+[Illustration: Her Heart]
+
+Shortly after this the cruel Queen died and a post-mortem examination
+revealed the word “CALLOUS” engraved on her heart.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIII
+
+ELIZABETH
+
+
+Although this memorable Queen was a man, she was constantly addressed
+by her courtiers by various affectionate female nicknames, such as
+Aurora-borealis, Ruritania, Black Beauty (or Bête Noire) and Brown
+Bess. She also very graciously walked on Sir Walter Raleigh’s overcoat
+whenever he dropped it in the mud and was, in fact, in every respect a
+good and romantic Queen.
+
+
+WAVE OF BEARDS
+
+One of the most romantic aspects of the Elizabethan age was the wave
+of beards which suddenly swept across History and settled upon all the
+great men of the period. The most memorable of these beards was the
+cause of the outstanding event of the reign, which occurred in the
+following way.
+
+[Illustration: Wave of Beards]
+
+
+THE GREAT ARMADILLO
+
+[Illustration: Spanish Mane]
+
+The Spaniards complained that Captain F. Drake, the memorable bowlsman,
+had singed the King of Spain’s beard (or Spanish Mane, as it was
+called) one day when it was in Cadiz Harbour. Drake replied that he
+was in his hammock at the time and a thousand miles away. The King of
+Spain, however, insisted that the beard had been spoilt and sent the
+Great Spanish Armadillo to ravish the shores of England.
+
+The crisis was boldly faced in England, especially by Big Bess herself,
+who instantly put on an enormous quantity of clothing and rode to and
+fro on a white horse at Tilbury--a courageous act which was warmly
+applauded by the English sailors.
+
+In this striking and romantic manner the English were once more
+victorious.
+
+
+THE QUEEN OF HEARTS
+
+A great nuisance in this reign was the memorable Scottish queen, known
+as Mary Queen of Hearts on account of the large number of husbands
+which she obtained, e.g. Cardinale Ritzio, Boswell and the King of
+France: most of these she easily blew up at Holywood.
+
+Unfortunately for Mary, Scotland was now suddenly overrun by a wave of
+Synods led by Sir John Nox, the memorable Scottish Saturday Knight.
+Unable to believe, on account of the number of her husbands, that Mary
+was a single person, the Knight accused her of being a “monstrous
+regiment of women,” and after making this brave remark had her
+imprisoned in Loch Lomond. Mary, however, escaped and fled to England,
+where Elizabeth immediately put her in quarantine on the top of an
+enormous Height called Wutheringay.
+
+As Mary had already been Queen of France and Queen of Scotland many
+people thought that it would be unfair if she was not made Queen of
+England as well. Various plots, such as the Paddington Plot, the
+Threadneedle Conspiracy and the Adelfi Plot, were therefore hatched to
+bring this about. Elizabeth, however, learning that in addition to all
+this Mary was good-looking and could play on the virginals, recognized
+that Mary was too romantic not to be executed, and accordingly had that
+done.
+
+
+MASSACRE OF ST. BARTHOLOMEW
+
+Further evidence of Queen Elizabeth’s chivalrous nature is given by
+her sympathy towards the French Protestants or Hugonauts (so called
+on account of their romantic leader Victor Hugo). These Arguenots
+were very much incensed at this time about St. Bartholomew, a young
+Saint, who had been unjustly massacred for refusing to tie a white
+handkerchief round his arm. After the massacre the French King,
+Henry of Navarre, turned Roman Catholic and made his memorable
+confession--“Paris is rather a Mess”; whereupon Queen Elizabeth very
+gallantly sent her favourite, Leicester, to find out whether this was
+true, thus rendering valuable assistance to the Hugonot cause.
+
+
+ELIZABETH AND ESSEX
+
+Memorable amongst the men with beards in Elizabeth’s reign was the
+above-mentioned favourite, Essex (Robert Dudleigh, Earl of Leicester),
+whom she brought to execution by mistake in the following romantic
+manner. Essex was sent to Ireland to quell a rebellion which the Irish
+were very treacherously carrying on in a bog in Munster. Becoming
+fatigued with the rebellion, however, he dashed out of the bog straight
+into the Queen’s bedroom. For this Essex was sent to the Tower, where
+he was shortly afterwards joined by other favourites of the Queen
+(such as Burleigh, Sidneigh, Watneigh, Hurlingham, etc.). Essex had
+a secret arrangement with Queen Elizabeth that he was to give her a
+ring whenever he was going to be executed, and she would reprieve
+him. But although, according to the arrangement, he tried to get into
+communication with the Queen, he was given the wrong number and was
+thus executed after all, along with the other favourites.
+
+“God may forgive you,” was Brown Bess’s memorable comment to the
+operator, “but I never will.”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIV
+
+JAMES I. A TIDY KING
+
+
+James I slobbered at the mouth and had favourites; he was thus a Bad
+King. He had, however, a very logical and tidy mind, and one of the
+first things he did was to have Sir Walter Raleigh executed for being
+left over from the previous reign. He also tried to straighten out the
+memorable confusion about the Picts, who, as will be remembered, were
+originally Irish living in Scotland, and the Scots, originally Picts
+living in Ireland. James tried to make things tidier by putting the
+Scots in Ulsters and planting them in Ireland, but the plan failed
+because the Picts had been lost sight of during the Dark Ages and were
+now nowhere to be found.
+
+
+GUNPOWDER PLOT
+
+There were a great many plots and Parliaments in James I’s reign, and
+one of the Parliaments was called the Addled Parliament because the
+plots hatched in it were all such rotten ones. One plot, however, was
+by far the best plot in History, and the day and month of it (though
+not, of course, the year) are well known to be _utterly_ and even
+maddeningly MEMORABLE.
+
+The Gunpowder Plot arose in the following way: the King had recently
+invented a new table called _Avoirduroi_, which said:
+
+  1 New Presbyter = 1 OLD PRIEST.
+  0 Bishop        = 0 King.
+
+James was always repeating, “No Bishop, No King,” to himself, and one
+day a certain loyal citizen called Sir Guyfawkes, a very active and
+conscientious man, overheard him, and thought it was the slogan of
+James’s new policy. So he decided to carry it out at once and made a
+very loyal plan to blow up the King and the bishops and everybody else
+in Parliament assembled, with gunpowder.[8] Although the plan failed,
+attempts are made every year on St. Guyfawkes’ Day to remind the
+Parliament that it would have been a _Good Thing_.
+
+
+PILGRIMS’ PROGRESS
+
+It was at this time that some very pious Englishmen, known as the Early
+Fathers, who were being persecuted for not learning _Avoirduroi_,
+sailed away to America in a ship called the _Mayfly_; this is generally
+referred to as the Pilgrims’ Progress and was one of the chief causes
+of America.
+
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[8] Recently invented by Francis Bacon, author of Shakespeare, etc.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXV
+
+CHARLES I AND THE CIVIL WAR
+
+
+With the ascension of Charles I to the throne we come at last to the
+Central Period of English History (not to be confused with the Middle
+Ages, of course), consisting in the _utterly memorable Struggle between
+the Cavaliers_ (_Wrong but Wromantic_) _and the Roundheads_ (_Right but
+Repulsive_).
+
+Charles I was a Cavalier King and therefore had a small pointed beard,
+long flowing curls, a large, flat, flowing hat and _gay attire_. The
+Roundheads, on the other hand, were clean-shaven and wore tall, conical
+hats, white ties and _sombre garments_. Under these circumstances a
+Civil War was inevitable.
+
+[Illustration: Under these circumstances]
+
+The Roundheads, of course, were so called because Cromwell had all
+their heads made perfectly round, in order that they should present a
+uniform appearance when drawn up in line.
+
+Besides this, if any man lost his head in action, it could be used as a
+cannon-ball by the artillery (which was done at the Siege of Worcester).
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+COMPETITION OF RIGHT
+
+For a long time before the Civil War, however, Charles had been
+quarrelling with the Roundheads about what was right. Charles explained
+that there was a doctrine called the Divine Right of Kings, which said
+that:
+
+  (_a_) He was King, and that was right.
+  (_b_) Kings were divine, and that was right.
+  (_c_) Kings were right, and that was right.
+  (_d_) Everything was all right.
+
+But so determined were the Roundheads that all this was all wrong that
+they drew up a Petition called the Petition of Right to show in more
+detail which things were wrong. This Petition said:
+
+  (_a_) That it was wrong for anyone to be put to death more than once
+        for the same offence.
+
+  (_b_) _Habeas Corpus_, which meant that it was wrong if people were
+        put in prison except for some reason, and that people who had
+        been mutilated by the King, such as Prynne, who had often had
+        his ears cut off, should always be allowed to keep their bodies.
+
+  (_c_) That Charles’s memorable methods of getting money, such as
+        Rummage and Scroungeage, were wrong.
+
+But the most important cause of the Civil War was
+
+
+SHIP MONEY
+
+Charles I said that any money which was Ship Money belonged to him; but
+while the Roundheads declared that Ship Money could be found only in
+the Cinq Ports, Charles maintained that no one but the King could guess
+right which was Ship Money and which wasn’t. This was, of course, part
+of his Divine Right. The climax came when a villager called Hampden
+(memorable for his dauntless breast) advised the King to divine again.
+
+This so upset Charles that he went back to Westminster, and after
+cinquing several ports burst into the House of Commons and asked in
+a very royal way for some birds which he said were in there. The
+Parliament, who were mostly Puritans, were so shocked that they began
+making solemn Leagues and Countenances. Charles therefore became very
+angry and complaining that the birds had flown raised his standard at
+Nottingham and declared war against Hampden and the Roundheads.
+
+
+THE WAR
+
+At first the King was successful owing to Prince Rupert of Hentzau, his
+famous cavalry leader, who was very dashing in all directions. After
+this, many indecisive battles were fought at such places as Newbury,
+Edgehill, Sedgehill, Newbury, Chalgrove Field, Newbury, etc., in all of
+which the Cavaliers were rather victorious.
+
+The Roundheads therefore made a new plan in order to win the war after
+all. This was called the Self-Denying Ordnance and said that everyone
+had to deny everything he had done up to that date, and that nobody
+was allowed to admit who he was: thus the war could be started again
+from the beginning. When the Roundheads had done this they were called
+the New Moral Army and were dressed up as Ironclads and put under the
+command of Oliver Cromwell, whose Christian name was Oliver and who was
+therefore affectionately known as “Old Nick.” Cromwell was not only
+moral and completely round in the head but had a large (round) wart on
+the nose. He was consequently victorious in all the remaining battles
+such as Newbury, Marston Moor, Edgehill (change for Chalgrove), Naseby,
+Newbury, etc.
+
+
+BLOOD AND IRONCLADS
+
+When Charles I had been defeated he was brought to trial by the Rump
+Parliament--so-called because it had been sitting for such a long
+time--and was found guilty of being defeated in a war against himself,
+which was, of course, a form of High Treason. He was therefore ordered
+by Cromwell to go and have his head cut off (it was, the Roundheads
+pointed out, the wrong shape, anyway). So romantic was Charles,
+however, that this made little difference to him and it is very
+memorable that he walked and talked Half an hour after his Head was cut
+off.
+
+[Illustration: Very memorable]
+
+On seeing this, Cromwell was so angry that he picked up the mace (the
+new and terrible Instrument of Government which he had invented)
+and, pointing it at the Head, shouted: “Take away that Marble,” and
+announced that his policy in future would be just Blood and Ironclads.
+In order to carry out this policy he divided the country into twelve
+districts and set a Serjeant-Major over each of them.
+
+
+RULE OF THE SERJEANT-MAJORS
+
+Nothing sickened the people of the rule of the Serjeant-Majors so
+much as their cruel habit of examining little boys _viva-voce_.
+For this purpose the unfortunate children were dressed in their
+most uncomfortable satins and placed on a stool. The Serjeant-Major
+would then ask such difficult questions as “How’s your Father?” or
+“Animal, Vegetable or Mineral?” and those who could not answer were
+given a cruel medicine called Pride’s Purge. All this was called the
+Crommonwealth and was right but repulsive.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+THE CROWNING MERCY
+
+The Roundheads at length decided to offer Cromwell the Crown. Cromwell,
+however, was unwilling and declared it was a Crowning Mercy when he
+found that it would not fit, having been designed for a Cavalier King.
+
+Soon after, Cromwell died of a surfeit of Pride, Purges, Warts and other
+Baubles.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVI
+
+CHARLES II. A MERRY MONARCH
+
+
+Charles II was always very merry and was therefore not so much a king
+as a Monarch. During the civil war he had rendered valuable assistance
+to his father’s side by hiding in all the oak-trees he could find.
+He was thus very romantic and popular and was able after the death of
+Cromwell to descend to the throne.
+
+[Illustration: A Bad Man]
+
+Though now no longer arboreal, Charles remained very much interested in
+natural beauty and kept a great number of pets at his court, including
+his famous _King Charles’s Spaniards_, the most memorable of whom was
+Catherine of Braganza; but, although married to Catherine, Charles was
+even fonder of an orange girl called Elinor Gwyn. He was thus a Bad Man.
+
+
+THE REFORMATION
+
+Charles II was famous for his wit and his inventions. Among the latter
+was an unbridled and merry way of behaving and writing plays, called
+the Reformation. This was a Good Thing in the end as it was one of the
+earliest causes of Queen Victoria’s determination to be good.
+
+
+EXAMPLES OF CHARLES’S WIT
+
+Most of Charles’s witty remarks were of an _unbridled nature_ and are
+therefore (fortunately) _not memorable_.
+
+He instituted, however, a number of witty Acts of Parliament. Amongst
+these were:
+
+  (_a_) The _Act of Indemnity and Oblivion_, which said that everyone
+        had to pay an indemnity to the King and then forget that he had
+        paid it.
+
+  (_b_) The _Act of Uniformity_, which said that everyone had to be the
+        same as everyone else.
+
+  (_c_) The _Five Mile Act_, which said that no schoolmasters or
+        clergymen were to go within five miles of each other. (This was,
+        obviously, a Good Thing.)
+
+  (_d_) The _Corporation Act_, which said that everyone had to be as
+        fat as possible (except Nell Glyn).
+
+After each of these Charles became merrier still and though some of
+them, particularly the Corporation Act, were considered rather unfair,
+he made up by passing a new Habeas Corpus Act which said that _all_ the
+people might keep their bodies, and thus everyone was contented. Later,
+Charles became even merrier and made a _Declaration of Indulgence_
+saying that people could do anything they liked and a _Test Act_ was
+passed soon after to see if they had done it (and, if so, what).
+
+
+ADMIRAL DE TROP IN THE CHANNEL (REUTER)
+
+It was at this period that the Navigation Acts were first made by the
+English. These Acts pointed out to the other countries that no foreign
+ships knew how to navigate the seas, and that their only chance was to
+steer for English ports. Although this was really part of the Rule
+Britannia (see Chap. VI, Freedom of the Seas), it caused some wars
+against the Dutch who were treacherously attempting to be top nation on
+the sea at that time. For a short while the Dutch ships were successful
+under their memorable Admiral, Van Broom, who is famous for blowing
+his own Trompet up the Medway until the sound was heard in the streets
+of London. The war, however, soon came to an end, since the Dutch are
+quite small and can never be top nation really.
+
+
+QUAKER OATES
+
+A great deal of excitement was caused in this reign by Titus Oates, the
+memorable Quaker, who said that a Roman Catholic plot had been made
+with the objects (_a_) of murdering the King, (_b_) of blowing up the
+people, (_c_) of restoring the Roman Catholic religion instead.
+
+These would probably have been a Bad Thing, if they had been achieved,
+and the King was so enraged that he immediately introduced a _Disabling
+Act_ which said that everyone except the heir to the throne was to be
+disabled. Later when he had relented, he had another _Habeas Corpus
+Act_ passed, saying that the disabled people might keep their bodies.
+
+
+TWO GOOD THINGS
+
+During Charles II’s reign the Great Plague happened in London. This
+was caused by some rats which had left a sinking ship on its way from
+China, and was very fortunate for the Londoners, since there were too
+many people in London at the time, so that they were always in bad
+health.
+
+In the following year, therefore, London was set on fire in case
+anyone should have been left over from the Plague, and St. Paul’s
+Cathedral was built instead. This was also a Good Thing and was the
+cause of Sir Christopher Wren, the memorable architect.
+
+
+PEPYS
+
+Among the famous characters of the period were Samuel Pepys, who is
+memorable for keeping a Dairy and going to bed a great deal, and his
+wife Evelyn, who kept another memorable Dairy, but did not go to bed in
+it.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVII
+
+JAMES II. A MADDENING KING
+
+
+Although a Good Man, James II was a Bad King and behaved in such an
+irritating and arbitrary way that by the end of his reign the people
+had all gone mad.
+
+
+JUDGE JEFFREYS
+
+One of the first things that happened was a rebellion by Monmouth, an
+indiscriminate son of Charles II who, landing incorrectly in Somerset,
+was easily defeated at Newbury, Sedgehill, Marston Moor, Newbury,
+etc. (see Civil War). The Rebels were ferociously dealt with by the
+memorable Judge Jeffreys who was sent out by James as a Justice in Ire
+in the West, where he made some furious remarks about the prisoners,
+known as “The Bloody Asides.”
+
+[Illustration: Bloody Asides]
+
+
+MADNESSES OF JAMES II
+
+James II further enraged his subjects by
+
+  (_a_) attempting to repeal the Habeas Corpus Act, saying that nobody
+        might have a body after all, and
+
+  (_b_) claiming the Dispensing Power which was a threat to revive
+        Pride’s Purge and do the dispensing of it himself;
+
+  (_c_) suspending (probably a modified form of hanging) the
+        Vice-Chancellor at Cambridge, who was apparently mad too, for
+        refusing to have a Benedictine.
+
+
+ENGLAND’S ANSWER
+
+The final and irreparable madness of the people was brought on by
+James’s action in bringing to trial Seven Bishops (Bancroft, Sancroft
+and Sacheveral others) for refusing to read Charles II’s Declaration
+of Indulgence (which they thought would be dangerous under the
+circumstances), and when in addition it became known that James had
+confined his infant son and heir in a warming-pan the people lost
+control of themselves altogether and, lighting an enormous number of
+candles, declared that _the answer was an Orange_. James was thus
+compelled to abdicate.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVIII
+
+WILLIAMANMARY. ENGLAND RULED BY AN ORANGE
+
+
+Williamanmary for some reason was known as The Orange in their own
+country of Holland, and were popular as King of England because the
+people naturally believed it was descended from Nell Glyn. It was on
+the whole a good King and one of their first Acts was the Toleration
+Act, which said they would tolerate anything, though afterwards it went
+back on this and decided that they could not tolerate the Scots.
+
+[Illustration: The Answer]
+
+
+A DARIEN SCHEME
+
+The Scots were now in a skirling uproar because James II was the last
+of the Scottish Kings and England was under the rule of the Dutch
+Orange; it was therefore decided to put them in charge of a very fat
+man called Cortez and transport them to a Peak in Darien, where it was
+hoped they would be more silent.
+
+
+MASSACRE OF GLASCOE
+
+The Scots, however, continued to squirl and hoot at the Orange, and
+a rebellion was raised by the memorable Viscount Slaughterhouse (the
+Bonnie Dundee) and his Gallivanting Army. Finally Slaughterhouse was
+defeated at the Pass of Ghilliekrankie and the Scots were all massacred
+at Glascoe, near Edinburgh (in Scotland, where the Scots were living
+at that time); after which they were forbidden to curl or hoot or even
+to wear the Kilt. (This was a Good Thing, as the Kilt was one of the
+causes of their being so uproarious and Scotch.)
+
+
+BLOOD-ORANGEMEN
+
+Meanwhile the Orange increased its popularity and showed themselves to
+be a very strong King by its ingenious answer to the Irish Question;
+this consisted in the Battle of the Boyne and a very strong treaty
+which followed it, stating
+
+  (_a_) that all the Irish Roman Catholics who liked could be
+        transported to France,
+
+  (_b_) that all the rest who liked could be put to the sword,
+
+  (_c_) that Northern Ireland should be planted with Blood-Orangemen.
+
+These Blood-Orangemen are still there; they are, of course, all
+descendants of Nell Glyn and are extremely fierce and industrial and
+so loyal that they are always ready to start a loyal rebellion to the
+Glory of God and the Orange. All of which shows that the Orange was a
+Good Thing, as well as being a good King.
+
+After the Treaty the Irish who remained were made to go and live in a
+bog and think of a New Question.
+
+
+THE BANK OF ENGLAND
+
+It was Williamanmary who first discovered the National Debt and had
+the memorable idea of building the Bank of England to put it in. The
+National Debt is a very Good Thing and it would be dangerous to pay it
+off, for fear of Political Economy.
+
+Finally the Orange was killed by a mole while out riding and was
+succeeded by the memorable dead queen, Anne.
+
+
+TEST PAPER IV
+
+UP TO THE END OF THE STUARTS
+
+
+  1.  Stigmatize cursorily (_a_) Queen Mary, (_b_) Judge Jeffreys’s
+      asides. (Speak out.)
+
+  2.  Outline joyfully (1) Henry VIII, (2) Stout Cortez.
+
+  3.  Who had what written on whose what?
+
+  4A. What convinces you that Henry VIII had VIII wives? Was it worth
+      it?
+
+  4B. Conjugate briefly Ritzio and Mary Queen of Scots.
+
+  5.  In what ways was Queen Elizabeth a Bad Man but a Good Queen?
+
+  6.  “To the exercise of Despotic Monarchy the Crown is more essential
+      than the Throne.” (Refute with special reference to anything you
+      know.)
+
+  7A. Which do you consider was the stronger swimmer, (_a_) The Spanish
+      Armadillo, (_b_) The Great Seal?
+
+  7B. Who was in whose what, and how many miles awhat?
+
+  7C. Cap’n, art thou sleeping there below?[9]
+
+  8.  Deplore the failure of the Gunpowder Plot, stating the day and
+      month (but not, of course, the year) usually assigned to it.
+
+  9.  Examine the state of mind of
+
+      (1) Charles I, half an hour after his head was cut off.
+
+      (2) Charles II, half a moment after first sighting Nell Gwyn.
+
+  10. Why on earth was William of Orange? (Seriously, though.)
+
+  11. How can you be so numb and vague about Arabella Stuart?
+
+  12. Estimate the medical prowess of the period with clinical
+      reference to (_a_) Pride’s Purge, (_b_) The Diet of Worms, (_c_)
+      The Topic of Capricorns.
+
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[9] N.B.--Do not attempt to answer this question.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIX
+
+ANNE. A DEAD QUEEN
+
+
+Queen Anne was considered rather a remarkable woman and hence was
+usually referred to as Great Anna, or Annus Mirabilis. Besides being
+dead she was extremely kind-hearted and had a very soothing Act passed
+called the _Occasional Conformity Act_ which said that people only had
+to conform with it occasionally: this pleasant trait in her character
+was called Queen Anne’s Bounty. (The Occasional Conformity Act was the
+only Act of its kind in History, until the Speed limit was invented.)
+
+The Queen had many favourites (all women), the most memorable of
+whom were Sarah Jenkins and Mrs. Smashems, who were the first Wig
+and the first Tory. Sarah Jenkins was really the wife of the Duke of
+Marlborough, the famous General, inventor of the Ramillies Whig, of
+which Sarah wore the first example.
+
+
+SUCCESSION OF WARS
+
+All through the XVIIIth Century there was a Succession of Wars, and
+in Queen Anne’s reign these were called the Spanish Succession (or
+Austrian Succession) because of The Infanta (or The Mariatheresa);
+they were fought mainly on account of the French King L/XIV (le grand
+Monomarque) saying there were _no more Pyrenese_, thus infuriating the
+Infanta who was one herself.
+
+Probably the Wars could never have been fought properly but for the
+genius of Marlborough, who could always remember which side the
+Bavarians and the Elector Pantomime of the Rhine were supposed to be
+on: this unique talent enabled him to defeat his enemies in fierce
+battles long before they could discover which side he himself was on.
+Marlborough, however, was a miser in politics and made everyone pay to
+go into his party; he was therefore despised as a _turnstyle_.
+
+In this reign also occurred the memorable Port Wine Treaty with
+Portugal, directed against Decanters (as the Non-Conformists were now
+called), as well as a very clever Act called the Schism Act which said
+that everybody’s religion was to be quite different from everybody
+else’s. Meanwhile the Whigs being the first to realize that the Queen
+had been dead all the time chose George I as King.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XL
+
+THE XV AND THE XLV
+
+
+Although the Whigs said that George I was King, many of the Tories
+thought that the Old Pretender was. The Old Pretender did not raise the
+standard of rebellion much and is only famous for being late for his
+own Rebellion, which had been easily put down long before he landed
+with his memorable XV in Scotland. His standard was of blue silk with
+the motto “Nemo me impune lacessit,” but when it was raised the top
+fell off.
+
+The Young Pretender, whose followers were called the XLV, was quite
+different, his standard being of red silk with the motto “Tandem
+Triumphans,” and the top didn’t fall off. At Preston Pans the
+English commander was the first to run away and bring the news of
+his own defeat, which was thus immediately believed. The hero of
+these adventures was the memorable Bonnie Prince Charlie (the Young
+Chandelier), who after being bloodily defeated by a Butcher at Flodden
+in Cumberland, was helped to escape by his many Scottish lovers, such
+as Flora MacNightingale (the fair maid of Perth), Amy Robsart, Lorna
+Doone, Annie Laurie, the Widow with Thumbs, etc.
+
+
+THE SOUTHSEA BUBBLE
+
+About this time nearly everybody in London stupidly got involved in an
+enormous bubble that appeared at Southsea. Some were persuaded that it
+would be a Good Thing if all the money in the country, including the
+National Debt, were sunk in it; others got into it merely with the
+object of speculating how soon it would be before it burst. Among these
+was a very clever man called Walpole who got out of the bubble in time,
+thus bursting it and becoming the first Prime Minister. Walpole was a
+Good Prime Minister: the Southsea bubble was thus a Good Thing.
+
+
+“LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE” (WALPOLE)
+
+[Illustration: Policy]
+
+Walpole ought never to be confused with Walpole, who was quite
+different; it was Walpole who lived in a house with the unusual name
+of Strawberry Jam and spent his time writing letters to famous men
+(such as the Prime Minister, Walpole, etc.). Walpole is memorable for
+inventing the new policy of letting dogs go to sleep. This was a Good
+Thing really, but it so enraged the people (who thought that a dog’s
+life should be more uncomfortable) that they rang all the bells in
+London. At first Walpole merely muttered his policy, but eventually
+he was compelled to rouse himself and become actively memorable by
+remarking: “They are ringing the bells now; I shall be wringing their
+necks soon.”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLI
+
+RULES OF WARS IN THE XVIIITH CENTURY
+
+
+Although the Succession of Wars went on nearly the whole time in the
+XVIIIth Century, the countries kept on making a treaty called the
+Treaty of Paris (or Utrecht).
+
+This Treaty was a Good Thing and laid down the Rules for fighting the
+wars; these were:--
+
+  (1) that there should be a mutual restitution of conquests except
+      that England should keep Gibraltar, Malta, Minorca, Canada, India,
+      etc.;
+
+  (2) that France should hand over to England the West Indian islands
+      of San Flamingo, Tapioca, Sago, Dago, Bezique and Contango, while
+      the Dutch were always to have Lumbago and the Laxative Islands;
+
+  (3) that everyone, however Infantile or even insane, should renounce
+      all claim to the Spanish throne;
+
+  (4) that the King (or Queen) of France should admit that the King
+      (or Queen) of England was King (or Queen) of England and should
+      not harbour the Young Pretender, but that _the fortifications of
+      Dunkirk should be disgruntled and raised to the ground_.
+
+Thus, as soon as the fortifications of Dunkirk had been gruntled again,
+or the Young Pretender was found in a harbour in France, or it was
+discovered that the Dutch had not got Lumbago, etc., the countries knew
+that it was time for the treaty to be signed again, so that the War
+could continue in an orderly manner.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLII
+
+GEORGE III. AN OBSTINATE KING
+
+
+George III was a Bad King. He was, however, to a great extent insane
+and a Good Man and his ministers were always called Pitt. The Pitts,
+like Pretenders, generally came in waves of about two, an elder Pitt
+and a younger Pitt.
+
+
+BRITAIN MUFFLES THROUGH
+
+The elder Pitt (Clapham) at this time had the rather strategic idea of
+conquering Canada on the banks of the Elbe; learning, however, that it
+was not there, he told the famous poetic general, Wolfe, to conquer
+Quebec instead. At first Wolfe complained that he would rather write
+Gray’s Elegy, but on being told that it had been written already (by
+Gray) he agreed to take Quebec.
+
+Quebec was very difficult to approach; Wolfe therefore rowed up the St.
+Laurence with muffled drums and ordered his Highland troops to skirl up
+the perpendicular Heights of Abraham with muffled boots, hoots, etc.,
+thus taking the French by surprise.
+
+At this engagement the French had a very peculiar general with the
+unusual French name of Keep-calm.
+
+[Illustration: Wave of Pitts]
+
+On receiving a muffled report to the effect that Wolfe’s men had
+captured Quebec, one of his aides-de-calm called out: “See! They fly!”
+“Who fly?” asked the General, and, on being assured that it was his
+own men who were flying, “Thank God!” said Keep-calm, with a sigh of
+satisfaction: “Now, I can fly in peace!”
+
+[Illustration: Britain muffles through]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIII
+
+INDIA
+
+
+It was in the 18th Century that Indian History started. Indian History
+is a great number of wars in which the English fought victoriously
+against the Waratah Confederacy and various kinds of potentates called
+Sahibs, Wallahs, Jahs, Rajahs, Hurrahjahs, Mahurrahjahs, Jhams and
+Jhelhies. Most memorable amongst these were the terrible Napoo Sahib,
+the Maharatta of Pshaw, the Chandra Gaff and the Taj Mahal.
+
+
+CRESSEY AND THE BLACK WHOLE
+
+Many of these victories were due to an Englishman named Robert Clive,
+a typist in the East India Coy. Ltd., who, after failing to commit
+suicide three times, made the famous raid on Arcos in conjunction with
+Jicks Pasha, and held it against all comers.
+
+Clive then marched to Calcutta and with a Mir Jafar (or handful) of men
+defeated all the Indians in the utterly memorable battle of Cressey.
+
+This battle was Clive’s revenge on the Black Whole of Calcutta and
+especially on that destructive All-Black Waratah, the Napoo Sahib.
+
+
+THE DOLDRUMS OF OUDH
+
+Second in importance only to Clive was Laurence Hastings, well known
+for his rapacity towards the natives. Besides his treatment of Lo (a
+poor Indian with an untutored mind) recorded by the poet Poep, he
+very harshly extracted money from the Doldrums of Oudh, two old women
+without any teeth. For this he was impaled before the House of Commons,
+and after being cross-examined by Burke and Hare for seven and a half
+years, was finally acquitted and became Viscount Senlac of Oudh.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIV
+
+THE BOSTON TEA-PARTY
+
+
+One day when George III was insane he heard that the Americans never
+had afternoon tea. This made him very obstinate and he invited them all
+to a compulsory tea-party at Boston; the Americans, however, started
+by pouring the tea into Boston Harbour and went on pouring things into
+Boston Harbour until they were quite Independent, thus causing the
+United States. These were also partly caused by Dick Washington who
+defeated the English at Bunker’s Hill (“with his little mashie,” as he
+told his father afterwards).
+
+The War with the Americans is memorable as being the only war in which
+the English were ever defeated, and it was unfair because the Americans
+had _the Allies_ on their side. In some ways the war was really a draw,
+since England remained top nation and had the Allies afterwards, while
+the Americans, in memory of George III’s madness, still refuse to drink
+tea and go on pouring anything the English send them to drink into
+Boston Harbour.
+
+After this the Americans made Wittington President and gave up speaking
+English and became U.S.A. and Columbia and 100%, etc. This was a Good
+Thing in the end, as it was a cause of the British Empire, but it
+prevented America from having any more History.
+
+[Illustration: 100%, etc.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLV
+
+THE FRENCH REVOLUTION
+
+
+Soon after America had ceased to be memorable, the French Revolution
+broke out (in France). This, like all other Revolutions, was chiefly
+due to Liberty, Fraternity, Equality, etc., but also to the writings of
+Madame Tousseau, the French King’s mistress, who believed in everyone
+returning to a state of nature and was therefore known as _la belle
+sauvage_.
+
+The French Revolution is very interesting and romantic; quite near the
+beginning of it Dante and Robespear, the revolutionary leaders (or
+_Jacobites_ as they were called), met in the beautiful and historic
+Chamber of Horrors at Versailles and decided to massacre everyone in
+September. This was called the _Glorious First of June_ and was done in
+accordance with a new _National Convention_. Memorable amongst those
+who were massacred were Robespear himself, who was executed in his own
+gelatine, and Marat, who was murdered in his bath by Madame Tousseau.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVI
+
+NAPOLEON
+
+
+The English were disgusted by this new French Convention and so decided
+to go in for The War again, thus causing Nelson and the Duke of
+Wellington. The War was now called the Napoleonic War, after Napoleon,
+a Corsican, whose real name was Bonuapart, and who had cleverly made
+himself First Consort by means of a _whiff of grape-nuts_. (This is
+called the Napoleonic Legend.)
+
+The French Revolution caused great loss of life, liberty, fraternity,
+etc., and was, of course, a Good Thing, since the French were rather
+degenerate at the time; but Napoleon now invented a new Convention that
+the French should massacre all the other nations and become top nation,
+and this, though quite generate, was a Bad Thing.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVII
+
+NELSON
+
+
+Napoleon ought never to be confused with Nelson, in spite of their hats
+being so alike; they can most easily be distinguished from one another
+by the fact that Nelson always stood with his arm _like this_, while
+Napoleon always stood with his arms _like that_.
+
+Nelson was one of England’s most naval officers, and despised weak
+commands. At one battle when he was told that his Admiral-in-Chief had
+ordered him to cease fire, he put the telephone under his blind arm and
+exclaimed in disgust: “Kiss me, Hardy!”
+
+By this and other intrepid manœuvres the French were utterly driven
+from the seas.
+
+
+PITT AND FOX
+
+Meanwhile at home the War was being helped on a good deal by the famous
+remarks of the politicians, such as Pitt and Fox. On one occasion Fox
+said in the House of Commons that the French Revolution was a Good
+Thing; whereupon the younger Pitt (Balham) rose slowly to his feet and,
+pointing at Fox, exclaimed: “Roll up that chap: he will not be wanted
+these ten years.” Having thus made his most memorable saying, Pitt was
+carried out of the House and died almost immediately of a surfeit of
+austerlitz. The plans of Napoleon were thus gradually thwarted.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVIII
+
+WELLINGTON
+
+
+But the most important of the great men who at this time kept Britain
+top nation was an Irishman called John Wesley, who afterwards became
+the Duke of Wellington (and thus English). When he was still Wolseley,
+Wellington made a great name for himself at Plassaye, in India, where he
+
+  “Fought with his fiery few and one,”
+
+remarking afterwards, “It was the bloodiest battle for numbers I ever
+knew.” It was, however, against Napoleon and his famous Marshals (such
+as Marshals Ney, Soult, Davos, Mürren, Soult, Blériot, Snelgrove, Ney,
+etc.) that Wellington became most memorable. Napoleon’s armies always
+used to march on their stomachs, shouting: “Vive l’Intérieur!” and so
+moved about very slowly (_ventre-à-terre_, as the French say), thus
+enabling Wellington to catch them up and defeat them. When Napoleon
+made his troops march all the way to Moscow on their stomachs they
+got frozen to death one by one, and even Napoleon himself admitted
+afterwards that it was rather a Bad Thing.
+
+[Illustration: To march on their Stomachs]
+
+
+GORILLA WAR IN SPAIN
+
+The second part of the Napoleonic War was fought in Spain and Portugal
+and was called the Gorilla War on account of the primitive Spanish
+method of fighting. Wellington became so impatient with the slow
+movements of the French troops that he occupied himself drawing
+imaginary lines all over Portugal and thus marking off the fighting
+zone; he made a rule that defeats beyond these lines did not count,
+while any French army that came his side of them was out of bounds.
+Having thus insured himself against disaster, Wellington won startling
+victories at Devalera, Albumina, Salamanda, etc.
+
+[Illustration: Gorilla Warfare]
+
+
+WATERLOO
+
+After losing this war Napoleon was sent away by the French, since
+he had not succeeded in making them top nation; but he soon escaped
+and returned just in time to fight on the French side at the battle
+of Waterloo. This utterly memorable battle was fought at the end of
+a dance, on the Playing Fields of Eton, and resulted in the English
+definitely becoming top nation. It was thus a very Good Thing. During
+the engagement the French came on in their usual creeping and crawling
+method and were defeated by Wellington’s memorable order, “Up Jenkins
+and Smashems.”
+
+This time Napoleon was sent right away for ever by everybody, and stood
+on the deck of a ship in white breeches with his arms _like that_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIX
+
+THE INDUSTRIAL REVELATION
+
+
+During these Wars many very remarkable discoveries and inventions were
+made. Most memorable among these was the discovery (made by all the
+rich men in England at once) that women and children could work for
+25 hours a day in factories without many of them dying or becoming
+excessively deformed. This was known as the Industrial Revelation and
+completely changed the faces of the North of England.
+
+
+THE TRACTARIAN MOVEMENT
+
+The Industrial Revelation would never have occurred but for the wave of
+great mechanical Inventors, e.g. Arkwright, who invented the Spinning
+Jenny, or unmarried textile working girl; subsequently, however, this
+kind of work was done by mules, the discovery of a man called Crompton.
+Other benefactors were Sir Isaak Watts who invented steam-kettles, Sir
+Robert Boyle who had them legalized,[10] and finally Robert Louis
+Stevenson, who put wheels on to them, thereby inventing Railway trains,
+steam-rollers and other tractarian engines.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Arkwright’s Invention]
+
+
+FACTORY ACTS
+
+The new situation created by the Industrial Revelation was boldly met
+by the statesmen of the day with a wave of Acts, such as Tory Acts,
+Factory Acts, Satisfactory Acts and Unsatisfactory Acts. The most
+soothing of these enacted that children under 5 years of age who worked
+all day in factories should have meals (at night). This was a Good
+Thing, as it enabled them to work much faster.
+
+
+ENCLOSURES
+
+At the same time there was an Agricultural Revelation which was caused
+by the invention of turnips and the discovery that Trespassers would
+be Prosecuted. This was a Good Thing too, because previously the Land
+had all been rather common, and it was called the Enclosure movement
+and was the origin of Keeping off the Grass. The movement culminated in
+the vast Royal Enclosure at Ascot which nobody is allowed on except His
+Majesty the King (and friend).
+
+
+THE COMBINATIONS LAW
+
+[Illustration: Combinations Law]
+
+All this gave rise to considerable discontent, but it was not until
+the memorable Combinations Law was passed that the people were roused
+to fury. This unjust law said that Combinations (or Union suits) were
+legal, or (in some cases) illegal, both for employers and employees,
+and resulted in the
+
+
+BLANKESTER MASSACRE
+
+Gradually the people had become so discontented with the Combinations
+Law that they had begun wearing Blankets, especially in the North of
+England; this was, of course, sedition, and resulted in a battle near
+Manchester, in which all the people in blankets were accidentally
+massacred.
+
+The Government then very cleverly passed the famous Six Acts, all
+of which said that it was quite all right for people in blankets to
+be massacred. Since which the people in the North have ceased to be
+seditious, and even wear bowler hats for lunch, bathing, etc.
+
+
+MUNROE DOCTRINE
+
+Meanwhile in foreign affairs, Canning, the memorable foreign minister,
+started a new anti-English or Liberal policy by saying that he had
+“called the New World into existence to upset the Balance of the Old.”
+This was known as the Munroe Doctrine and proves that it is wrong for
+anyone to have wars in North or South America (except the United States
+Marines).
+
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[10] Boyle’s Law: (“Watts pots never boyle”).
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER L
+
+GEORGE IV. A GENTLEMAN KING
+
+
+During these disturbances George III had died and had been succeeded by
+his son, George IV, who was the Prince Regent and an Inventor and very
+Bad. George IV’s most memorable invention was Gentlemen and he was the
+First Gentleman in Europe:
+
+
+EXAMPLES OF GEORGE IV’S BADNESS AND GENTLEMANLINESS
+
+  1. He was very fat.
+
+  2. He was a friend of Beau Brocade, the memorable Dandy Dinmont or
+     man-about-town of those days.
+
+  3. He was a member of White’s and many other notorious Knight clubs.
+
+  4. He was hostile to his wife and attempted to give her pains by
+     means of an Act of Parliament.
+
+
+DEATH OF GEORGE IV
+
+Besides gentlemen, George IV had invented Regent Street, the Regent
+Canal, etc., before he came to the throne, and afterwards he invented
+the Brighton Marine Aquarium. He was thus a Bad Thing. Finally he died
+of a surfeit of Aquaria, Pavilia, Gentlemen, etc., probably at Brighton.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LI
+
+WILLIAM IV. A SAILOR KING
+
+
+The marine tendency of George IV was inherited by his brother William
+IV, who was known as the Sailor King on account of his readiness to
+create any number of piers at moments of political crisis. Apart from
+this, however, William IV would not have succeeded in being memorable
+at all except for his awkward and uncalled-for irruption into the
+Georgian succession.
+
+
+ROTTEN BURROWS
+
+During this reign the Great Reform Bill was passed on account of the
+Rotten Burrows: this was because the Old Landlords said that new
+places like Manchester were rotten burrows and shouldn’t have votes. A
+great deal of confusion was caused by these rotten burrows which were
+undermining the Constitution, but eventually Lord Grey invented the
+Great Reform Bill which laid down clearly who had votes and who hadn’t.
+
+
+REFORM BILL
+
+This Bill had two important clauses, which said:
+
+  (1) that some of the Burrows were rotten and that the people who
+      lived in them should not be allowed either to stand or to have
+      seats.
+
+  (2) that “householders leaseholders and copyholders who had £10 in
+      the towns or freeholders who paid 40/- in the country for 10 years
+      or leaseholders (in the country) and copyholders for 21 years in
+      the towns (paying a rent of £50) should in some cases (in the
+      towns) have a vote (for 1 year) but in others for 41 years (in the
+      country) paying a leasehold or copyhold of £10 should not.”
+
+When this unforgettable Law was made known there was great rejoicing
+and bonfires were lit all over the country.
+
+
+LATER REFORM BILLS
+
+Later in the century, other Reform Bills were passed, such as
+Gladstone’s Reform Bill which added householders (in the country) for
+one year to freeholders and kettleholders worth £10 a year, and gave
+a vote to anyone who lived in lodgings (for 21 years) or spent £10 in
+the Post Office. And there was also Disraeli’s Reform Bill, which gave
+the vote to any lodger who paid £10 and lodged in the same lodgings
+for one year. This, however, was naturally thought very rash and was
+quite rightly characterized by the penetrating Lord Salisbury, in a
+brilliant phrase, as “A Sleep in the Dark.” The Reform Bills were a
+Good Thing except for a few Old Landlords who were deprived of their
+seats. Nowadays Flappers are allowed to vote and men have to put up
+with this even if they live in the same lodgings all their lives. This
+is a Bad Thing and is called Manhold Suffrage.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LII
+
+QUEEN VICTORIA. A GOOD QUEEN
+
+
+On the death of William IV, Queen Victoria, though asleep at the
+time and thus in her nightdress, showed great devotion to duty by
+immediately ascending the throne. In this bold act she was assisted by
+Lord Melbourne and the Archbishop of Canterbury, who were both properly
+dressed.
+
+[Illustration: Good ... _but not amused_]
+
+Finding herself on the throne, Queen Victoria immediately announced her
+intention of being Good and plural _but not amused_. This challenge
+was joyfully accepted by her subjects, and throughout her protracted
+reign _loyal and indefatigable attempts to amuse her_ were made by Her
+Majesty’s eminently Victorian ministers and generals.
+
+
+ATTEMPTS TO AMUSE QUEEN VICTORIA
+
+One of the first of these attempts was Lord Melbourne’s memorable
+political rule that it did not matter what the Cabinet said so long as
+they all answered at once. This he called the Collective Responsibility
+of the Cabinet; the Queen, however, was not amused.
+
+Next, Mr. Rowland Hill invented penny stamps. The Queen, however,
+without hesitation Knighted him.
+
+[Illustration: To abandon all thoughts of levity--]
+
+The loyal task therefore devolved on a more active group of men called
+the Chartists who nearly succeeded by drawing an enormous Chart showing
+the position of affairs and signing it with imaginary names. This
+resulted in a succession of riots amongst the imaginary people, and
+necessitated the passing of the memorable Poor Law which laid down that
+everybody in the country was poor (except the rich).
+
+These endeavours having failed, the Queen was allowed to abandon for
+the time being all thoughts of levity and to marry her beautiful cousin
+(the memorable Prince Consaught), a Good German whom she had met during
+the great International Expedition to Hyde Park.
+
+
+SIR ROBERT REPEEL. POTATO DUTIES IN IRELAND
+
+About this time the famous Tory statesman, Sir Robert Repeel, noticed
+that the Irish had had nothing to eat for some years owing to the fact
+that the potatoes, which it was their Duty to eat, had all gone bad.
+
+The Tory Government were for long divided between two policies, one
+section insisting that the Irish ought to eat the potatoes, the other
+insisting that they need not.
+
+Sir Robert, however, boldly passed his famous Corn Laws which abolished
+the Duty and permitted the Irish to eat bread, thus dissociating
+himself from the Tories who doggedly maintained that the Irish had only
+two alternatives: (_a_) to eat the potatoes, and (_b_) not to. Sir
+Robert, having thus destroyed his own Party, bethought himself of The
+Queen and invented Policemen. Her Majesty, however,...
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LIII
+
+CRIMEAN WAR
+
+
+Not very long after this the memorable Crimean War broke out against
+the Russians. This war was exceptionally inevitable and was caused by a
+number of causes.
+
+
+CAUSES OF THE CRIMEAN WAR
+
+  (_a_) The English had not yet fought against the Russians.
+
+  (_b_) The _Sick Man of Europe_ (cured later by Florence Nightingown).
+
+  (_c_) Russia was too big and was pointing in the direction of India.
+
+  (_d_) The _Holy Places_. _The French_ thought that the _Holy Places_
+        ought to be guarded (probably against the _Americans_) by _Latin
+        Monks_, while _the Turks_, who owned the Places, thought that
+        they ought to be guarded by _Greek Monks_. _England_ therefore
+        quite rightly declared war on _Russia_, who immediately occupied
+        _Roumania_.
+
+The war was consequently fought in _the Crimea_ (near _Persia_) in the
+following romantic manner:
+
+  1. _The Battle of Inkerman_--so called because the soldiers on both
+     sides fought in the dark as well as the Generals: the English were,
+     naturally, victorious.
+
+  2. _The Siege of Sir Pastobol_ (the memorable Russian General) who
+     was quite besieged, and the English were very victorious.
+
+  3. _The Battle of Balaclava_, famous for the Charge of the Fire
+     Brigade by Lord Tennyson and 599 other gallant men who, armed with
+     Cardigans and Balaclava helmets, advanced for a league and a half
+     (4½ miles), and back (9 miles), with the object of proving that
+     someone had thundered the wrong order. (In which they were completely
+     successful.)
+
+  4. _Flora MacNightshade._ The troops in the Crimea suffered terribly
+     from their Cardigans and Balaclava helmets and from a new kind of
+     overcoat invented by Lord Raglan, the Commander-in-Chief. They
+     were also only allowed to wear boots on their left feet until the
+     memorable intervention of Flora MacNightlight (the Lady with the
+     Deadly Lampshade), who gave them boots for their right feet and
+     other comforts, and cured them of their sufferings every night with
+     doses of deadly lampshade.
+
+[Illustration: Suffered terribly from their Cardigans and Balaclava
+helmets]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LIV
+
+THE INDIAN MUTINY
+
+
+This was also inevitable on account of:
+
+  (_a_) _The Natives._ These believed that the English were going
+        to make them bite their greasy cartileges (Chuputti). This they
+        treacherously believed to be contrary to their religion and
+        therefore a Bad Thing.
+
+  (_b_) _The Anglo-Indians._ The natives were unable to realize that
+        these were a Good Thing.
+
+Consequently an outbreak of very serious Meeruts occurred at Cawnpore
+and elsewhere and a descendant of the Great Mohawk was set up as
+Emperor at Dulwich (the old capital of India). Most terrible among the
+Indian leaders was a native Pundit called the Banana Sahib who by means
+of his treacherous disguise lured the famished British regiments to
+destruction.
+
+The Mutiny, however, was a Good Thing as it was the cause of Lucknow
+being relieved by Generals Havelock, Ellis, etc., and Lord Roberts got
+the V.C. and stayed on for 41 years.
+
+The Results of the Mutiny were:
+
+  (_a_) The Sepoy (or Governor-General) of India was brought under the
+        control of the Crown.
+
+  (_b_) The Queen was declared to be the Great Mohawk of India.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LV
+
+“PAL”
+
+
+Meanwhile, at home, fresh attempts to galvanize the Queen resulted in
+the promotion of Lord Palmerston (“Pal”) to the Premiership--a rather
+matey minister who always wore green gloves and sucked a straw and
+altered the Despatches after the Queen had signed them, so that they
+became surprises for her. It was not, however, until he conceived and
+carried through his heartless _Conspiracy to Murder Bill_ that the Good
+(but now Horrified) Queen dismissed him. After which “Pal” spent his
+time taking special trains in all directions and galloping to Harrow
+on a cream-coloured pony, thus endearing himself to the People and
+becoming an object of terror and admiration to all foreign governments.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LVI
+
+FRESH ATTEMPTS TO AMUSE THE QUEEN. WAVE OF JUSTIFIABLE WARS
+
+
+Owing to the inability of the Queen’s ministers to amuse the Crown,
+superhuman attempts were now made by her Majesty’s generals at home and
+abroad to provide military diversions. These took the form of a wave of
+Justifiable Wars, including:
+
+  1. _War with China._ Fought on moral grounds, because the Chinese
+     government were disposed to impede the importation of Empire Opium
+     into China. The British thus became indispensable to the Chinese
+     and, after several bloody engagements, Hong Kong, the best port of
+     China, was ceded to the British Throne.
+
+  2. _War with Afghanistan._ Owing to the size, direction, etc., of
+     Russia, it was imperative that the King of Afghanistan, whose name
+     was Just Mohammed, should sit on his throne in a friendly attitude.
+     The King, however, (Just) declined to do this and the British Army
+     was cut to pieces in the Pippa Passes to such an extent that Dr.
+     Brydle rode half alive (or, according to some historians, half
+     dead) into Jallallaballad. After this, however, several bloody
+     battles were fought, and the Kings of Afghanistan were compelled to
+     sit in a more friendly attitude.
+
+  3. _Sheikh War._ Cause: Death of Ranji Tsinji (a huge Sheikh). The
+     Sheikhs were very tall men on the frontier of India who obscured
+     the Imperial outlook. A bloody strife ensued. Sir Hew Golf
+     annihilated the Sheikhs, subsequently compelling them to present
+     the Queen with a huge pencil called the Koh-in-Oor. The Sheikhs
+     were thus reduced in every way and were afterwards on our side and
+     a Good Thing.
+
+  4. _2nd Burmese War._ Cause: there had only been one Burmese war.
+     Burmese cut to pieces. Burma ceded to the Crown. Peace with Burma.
+
+  5. _War against Abyssinia._ Object: to release the Europeans in
+     Abyssinia, all of whom had been incarcerated by the King, Theodore,
+     who was a Christian and would not see their point of view. The war
+     was divided into two parts (1) Sir Robert Rapier demands release of
+     prisoners. Prisoners released. (2) War declared against Abyssinia.
+     King Theodore blown up with Magnesia, the capital of Abyssinia.
+     Theodore commits suicide. Sir Robert becomes Lord Rapier of
+     Magnesia. Peace with Abyssinia.
+
+  6. _War against A Shantee._ Coffee, King of a Shantee, worsted and
+     burnt by Sir Garment Wolsee, who becomes Viscount Coffee. Peace
+     with the Shantee.
+
+  7. _War against Zulus._ Cause: the Zulus. Zulus exterminated. Peace
+     with Zulus.
+
+All these attempts having failed, news was brought to the Queen that
+the Fiji Islands were annexed to the British “by the desire of the
+inhabitants.” At this point, according to some (seditious) historians,
+Her Majesty’s lip was observed to tremble.
+
+
+SPHERES OF INTERFERENCE. EGYPT
+
+It was during these wars that Spheres of Interference were discovered:
+these were necessary in all Countries inhabited by their own natives.
+
+The first of the Spheres was Egypt which now became memorable for the
+first time since Potiphar, the well-known Egyptian Pharaoh.
+
+Egypt was put under the Duel Control of England and France and was
+thus declared bankrupt; Alibaba, the Mowhgli, and other Pasha-Beziques
+were therefore immediately exterminated by Sir Garment Wolsey and
+subsequently by Kitchener of Kartoon at the terrible French battle of
+Homme de Man. This was because of Chinese Gordon (leader of the famous
+Gordon Riots[11] in Pekin) and was called the Pagoda Incident and is
+remarkable as being the only (memorable) _Incident_ in History.
+
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[11] Due to the justifiable looting of Pekin by the Allies.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LVII
+
+DISRAELI AND GLADSTONE
+
+
+Not very much is known about these two extremely memorable ministers,
+except that (_a_) _Disraeli_ “brought back Peace with Honour” after the
+famous Balkan Treaty of Berlin, which said:
+
+  1. that Bosnia should be ceded to Herzegovina;
+
+  2. that Herzegovina should be ceded to Bosnia (This is called the
+     Eastern Question);
+
+  3. that Bulgaria should be divided into two parts (Later, Bulgaria
+     was re-divided into one part by Mr. Gladstone);
+
+  4. that anyone found in Armenia should be gradually divided into
+     twelve parts. (Mr. Gladstone subsequently criticized the effect of
+     this clause.)
+
+Disraeli also very generously purchased the Panama Canal from the
+Khalif and presented it to Queen Victoria with a huge bunch of
+primroses (his favourite flower), thus becoming Lord Beaconsfield and a
+romantic minister. The Queen, however, remained obdurately plural and
+not amused, even when Disraeli romantically called her a Faery Queen.
+
+(_b_) Gladstone, on the other hand, endeavoured (quite unsuccessfully)
+to please Her Majesty by chewing a milk pudding 79 times every day, and
+by his memorable inventions; amongst the latter were an exceptionally
+uncomfortable collar which he inhabited for 62 years on the floor of
+the House of Commons, and an extremely simple kind of bag which he
+designed to enable the Turks to be driven out of Europe _Bag and
+Baggage_. Gladstone also invented the Education Rate by which it was
+possible to calculate how soon anybody could be educated, and spent
+his declining years trying to guess the answer to the Irish Question;
+unfortunately, whenever he was getting warm, the Irish secretly changed
+the Question, so that as he grew older and older Gladstone became
+angrier and angrier, and grander and grander, and was ultimately
+awarded the affectionate title of “the G.P.O.” Gladstone was thus
+clearly a Good Man but a Bad Thing (or, alternatively, a Bad Man but a
+Good Thing).
+
+
+QUEEN VICTORIA’S JAMBOREE
+
+Finally, all attempts (even by Gladstone and Disraeli) to amuse her,
+and to prevent her being good, having failed, the Queen held a Jamboree
+in Westminster Abbey and Crowned Heads and Oriental Patentees from
+all parts of the world came to acknowledge publicly the Good Queen’s
+Victory over all her ministers and generals.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LVIII
+
+THE BOERWOER
+
+
+The last event in Queen Victoria’s reign was the Borewore, or, more
+correctly, Boerwoer (Dutch), which was fought against a very tiresome
+Dutch tribe called the Bores, because they were left over from all
+previous wars.
+
+The War was not a very successful one at first, and was quite unfair
+because the Boers could shoot much further than the English, and also
+because they were rather despicable in wearing veldt hats and using
+Pom-Pom bullets.
+
+Numerous battles were fought against the Bore leaders (such as
+Bother, Kopje, and Stellenbosch) at Nek’s Creek, Creek’s Nek, Knock’s
+Knee, etc., and much assistance was given to the British cause by
+Strathcoma’s memorable horse (patriotically lent by Lord Strathcoma
+for the occasion) and by the C.I.D., who fought very bravely and were
+awarded a tremendous welcome on their return to London after the war.
+
+Finally, the people at home took upon themselves the direction of
+the War and won it in a single night in London by a new and bracing
+method of warfare known as _Mafeking_. Thus the English were once more
+victorious.
+
+
+MEMORABLE RESULTS
+
+The Barwar was obviously a Good Thing in the end because it was the
+cause of Boy Scouts and of their memorable Chief Scout, General Baden
+Powell (known affectionately as “the B.O.P.”), and also because it gave
+rise to a number of very manly books, such as _40 Years Beating About
+The Bush_, _50 Years Before The Mast_, _60 Years Behind The Times_, etc.
+
+
+DEATH OF QUEEN VICTORIA
+
+Meanwhile Queen Victoria had celebrated another Jamboree, called
+the Diamond Jamboree (on account of the discovery of Diamond mines
+at Camberley during the Borewore) and after dying of a surfeit of
+Jamborees, Jokes, Gladstone, etc., had been succeeded by her son,
+Edward VII.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LIX
+
+WAVE OF INVENTIONS
+
+
+The reign of Queen Victoria was famous for the numerous discoveries
+and inventions which happened in it. One of the first of these was
+the brilliant theory of Mr. Darwin propounded in his memorable works,
+_Tails of a Grandfather_, _The Manx Man_, _Our Mutual Friends_, etc.
+This was known as Elocution or the Origin of Speeches and was fiercely
+denounced in every pulpit.
+
+Another memorable invention was called the Oxford Movement: this was
+a form of sinuflection which led men gradually in the direction of
+Rome; the movement was first made by Cardinal Newton at Oxford, and
+later, Peeble and Pusey Colleges were found there to commemorate his
+assistants. Many illustrated manuals and pamphlets were written by
+Cardinals Newton and Peeble, giving directions for the movement.
+
+There was also in Queen Victoria’s reign a famous inventor and poet
+called Oscar Wilde who wrote very well but behaved rather beardsley;
+he made himself memorable by inventing Art, Asceticism, etc., and was
+the leader of a set of disgusting old gentlemen called “the naughty
+nineties.”
+
+But most memorable of all were the McCanical inventions of the age,
+nearly all of which were kinds of Progress and invented by Scotsmen
+and Bad Things. Amongst these were Bicycles which caused Tricycles,
+coasting, bloomers, etc., and Roads (invented by Lord Macadam
+and his son Lord Tarmac) for them to go along. Other inventions
+were Thermometers (invented by Lord Farqualqhounheit) which caused
+Temperatures, inflolqhouenza, etc.; Telegrams which caused betting,
+Bismark, etc.; Mackintoshes (invented by another Scottish nobleman
+whose name is now forgotten); and the memorable line invented by Mr.
+Plimsoll (see diagram below).
+
+Most of these inventions, however, were too numerous to be mentioned.
+
+[Illustration: Wrote very well but....]
+
+[Illustration: Naughty nineties]
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Plimsoll’s Invention.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LX
+
+EDWARD VII. ALMOST A MONARCH
+
+
+Edward VII was quite old when he came to the throne, but this was only
+on account of Queen Victoria, and he was really a very active man
+and had many romantic occupations; for instance, he went betting and
+visited Paris and was sometimes late for dinner; in addition he was
+merry with actresses and kind to gypsies.
+
+Besides all this Edward VII smoked cigars, was addicted to entente
+cordials, married a Sea-King’s daughter, and invented appendicitis.
+Edward VII was thus a very Good King, besides being a Good Thing and
+_amused_ and, in fact, almost a _Monarch_. He is also memorable because
+he preferred making peace instead of war.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXI
+
+THE GREAT WAR
+
+
+King Edward’s new policy of peace was very successful and culminated
+in the Great War to End War. This pacific and inevitable struggle was
+undertaken in the reign of His Good and memorable Majesty King George V
+and it was the cause of nowadays and the end of History.
+
+
+CAUSES OF THE GREAT WAR
+
+The Great War was between Germany and America and was thus fought in
+Belgium, one of the chief causes being the murder of the Austrian Duke
+of Sarajevo by a murderer in Servia.
+
+There were many other Causes of the Great War, such as
+
+  1. German Governesses, a wave of whom penetrated Kensington in King
+     Edward’s reign and openly said that Germany ought to be top nation,
+     and
+
+  2. The Kaiser, who sent a telegram consisting entirely of ems to one
+     of the memorable Boerwar leaders.[12]
+
+These are now agreed to have been causes of the War though at the time
+the newspapers (rather conceitedly) declared that it was caused by a
+_strip of paper_.
+
+
+THE WAR
+
+The War lasted three years or the duration, the Americans being 100%
+victorious. At the beginning the Russians rendered great assistance
+to the American cause by lending their memorable steam-roller and by
+passing silently through England one Sunday morning before breakfast
+with snow on their boots. The Americans were also assisted by the
+Australians (AZTECS) and some Canadians, and 51 Highlanders.
+
+
+THE PEACE TO END PEACE
+
+Though there were several battles in the War, none were so terrible or
+costly as the Peace which was signed afterwards in the ever-memorable
+Chamber of Horrors at Versailles, and which was caused by the only
+memorable American statesmen, President Wilson and Col. White House,
+who insisted on a lot of Points, including
+
+  1. that England should be allowed to pay for the War: this was a Good
+     Thing because it strengthened British (and even American) credit;
+
+  2. that the world should be made safe for democracy, i.e. anyone
+     except pillion-riders, pedestrians, foreigners, natives,
+     capitalists, communists, Jews, riffs, R.A.F.S., gun-men, policemen,
+     peasants, pheasants, Chinese, etc.;
+
+  3. that there should be a great many more countries: this was a Bad
+     Thing as it was the cause of increased geography;
+
+  4. the Freedom of the Seas: this was a Good Thing as it did not apply
+     to Britain or America (or Switzerland);
+
+  5. that the Kaiser should be hanged: this was a Good Thing as it was
+     abandoned, together with Mr. Lloyd George, the Irish Question, etc.
+
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[12] And, during a subsequent crisis, a panther to Agaçiers (a brutal
+act and quite contrary to the Haig Convention).
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LXII
+
+A BAD THING
+
+
+America was thus clearly top nation, and History came to a .
+
+
+TEST PAPER V
+
+UP TO THE END OF HISTORY
+
+
+  1.  Sketch vaguely, with some reference to the facts: (1) The Southsea
+      Bubble, (2) The Ramillies Wig.
+
+  2.  Would it have been a Good Thing if Wolfe had succeeded in writing
+      Gray’s Elegy instead of taking Quebec?
+
+  3.  Analyse and distinguish between The Begums of Oudh. Would they
+      have been deceived by the Banana Sahib?
+
+  4.  “An Army marches on its stomach” (Napoleon). Illustrate and
+      examine.
+
+  5.  Account (loudly) for the success of Marshal Ney as a leader of
+      horse.
+
+  6A. “What a city to boot!”. Who said this, Wellington or Blücher or
+      Flora McNightingown?
+
+  6B. Did anybody say “I know that no one can save this country and
+      that nobody else can”? If not, who did say it?
+
+  7.  Ruminate fearlessly on (1) Lord Cardigan, (2) Clapham.
+
+  8.  Do not attempt to remember what Mr. Gladstone said in 1864 but
+      account for the paramountcy of (1) Milk Puddings, (2) Bags, in his
+      political career.
+
+  9.  Comment _Quietly_ on (_a_) Tariff Reform.
+                           (_b_) Mafeking Night.
+                           (_c_) The Western Front.
+
+  10. Refrain from commenting on The Albert Memorial, The September
+      Massacres, The Dardanelles, The O.B.E., or any other subjects that
+      you consider too numerous to mention. (The better the fewer.)
+
+  11. Write not more than two lines on The Career of Napoleon
+      Buonaparte, _or_ The Acquisition of our Indian Empire _or_ The
+      Prime Ministers of England.
+
+  12. What price Glory?
+
+N.B.--Do not on any account attempt to write on both sides of the paper
+at once.
+
+
+
+
+  Printed in Great Britain by
+  Butler & Tanner Ltd.,
+  Frome and London
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber’s note
+
+
+Minor punctuation errors have been changed without notice.
+
+Spelling was retained as in the original except for the following
+change:
+
+  Page 71: "Chap. II, Freedom"  "Chap. VI, Freedom"
+
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78124 ***
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+<body>
+<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78124 ***</div>
+
+
+
+<h1>
+1066 AND ALL THAT
+</h1>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp61" id="i_frontis" style="max-width: 50.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_frontis.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Magna Garter</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+<p class="ph2">1066
+AND ALL THAT</p>
+
+<p class="ph4"><i>A Memorable History of England, comprising<br>
+all the parts you can remember, including 103<br>
+Good Things, 5 Bad Kings and 2 Genuine Dates</i></p>
+
+<p class="ph4"><i>BY</i></p>
+
+<p class="ph3">WALTER CARRUTHERS SELLAR<br>
+Aegrot: Oxon:</p>
+
+<p class="ph4"><i>AND</i></p>
+
+<p class="ph3">ROBERT JULIAN YEATMAN<br>
+Failed M.A., etc. Oxon:</p>
+
+<p class="ph4"><i>ILLUSTRATED BY</i></p>
+
+<p class="ph3">JOHN REYNOLDS, Gent.</p>
+<br>
+<br>
+<p class="ph3">METHUEN &amp; CO. LTD. LONDON</p>
+<p class="ph3"><i>36 Essex Street, Strand, W.C.2</i></p>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+<p class="ph3"><i>DEDICATION</i></p>
+
+<p class="ph3">ABSIT OMAN</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph4"><i>This book was originally published October 16th 1930<br>
+It has been reprinted thirty-four times<br>
+Thirty-fifth edition, 1951</i></p>
+
+
+<p class="ph4">CATALOGUE NO. 3858/U</p>
+
+<p class="ph4">PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_v">[Pg v]</span></p>
+
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="COMPULSORY_PREFACE">
+    COMPULSORY PREFACE
+    <br>
+    (<span class="smcap">This Means You</span>)
+  </h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Histories have previously been written with
+the object of exalting their authors. The object
+of this History is to console the reader. <i>No other
+history does this.</i></p>
+
+<p>History is not what you thought. <i>It is what you can
+remember.</i> All other history defeats itself.</p>
+
+<p>This is the only Memorable History of England,
+because all the History that you can remember is in
+this book, which is the result of years of research in
+golf-clubs, gun-rooms, green-rooms, etc.</p>
+
+<p>For instance, 2 out of the 4 Dates originally included
+were eliminated at the last moment, a research done
+at the Eton and Harrow match having revealed that
+they are <i>not memorable</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The Editors will be glad of further assistance towards
+the elimination, in future editions, of any similarly
+unhistorical matter which, despite their vigilance, may
+have crept into the text.</p>
+
+<p>They take this opportunity of acknowledging their
+inestimable debt to the mass of educated men and
+women of their race whose historical intuitions and
+opinions this work enshrines.</p>
+
+<p>Also, to the Great British People without whose
+self-sacrificing determination to become top Nation
+there would have been no (memorable) history.</p>
+
+<p>History is now at an end (see p. <a href="#Page_113">113</a>); this History
+is therefore final.</p>
+
+<p class="author">
+  W. C. S.<br>
+  R. J. Y.
+</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_vi">[Pg vi]</span></p>
+
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="PREFACE_TO_SECOND_EDITION">
+    PREFACE TO SECOND EDITION
+  </h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>A first edition limited to 1 copy and printed on rice
+paper and bound in buck-boards and signed by one
+of the editors was sold to the other editor, who left
+it in a taxi somewhere between Piccadilly Circus and
+the Bodleian.</p>
+
+<p class="author">
+  W. C. S.<br>
+  R. J. Y.
+</p>
+
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="ACKNOWLEDGMENTS">
+    ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
+  </h2>
+
+
+<p>The Editors acknowledge their comparative indebtedness
+to the Editors of <i>The Historical Review</i>, <i>Bradshaw</i>,
+<i>The Lancet</i>, <i>La Vie Parisienne</i>, etc., in which none of
+the following chapters has appeared. Their thanks
+are also due to their wife, for not preparing the index
+wrong. There is no index.</p>
+
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="PRESS_OPINIONS">
+    PRESS OPINIONS
+  </h2>
+
+
+<p>“This slim volume....” (<i>The Bookworm.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>“... We look forward keenly to the appearance of
+their last work.” (<i>The Review of Reviews of Reviews.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>“... vague....” (<i>Vague.</i>)</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_vii">[Pg vii]</span></p>
+
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="ERRATA">
+    ERRATA
+  </h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p class="center">P. <a href="#Page_3">3</a>. <i>For</i> Middletoe <i>read</i> Mistletoe.</p>
+
+<p class="center">P. <a href="#Page_9">9</a>. <i>For</i> looked 4th <i>read</i> looked forth.</p>
+
+<p class="center">P. <a href="#Page_43">43</a>. <i>For</i> Pheasant <i>read</i> Peasant, throughout.</p>
+
+<p class="center">P. <a href="#Page_44">44</a>. <i>For</i> sausage <i>read</i> hostage.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="i_vii" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_vii.jpg" alt="">
+</figure>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_viii">[Pg viii]</span></p>
+
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="AUTHORS_NOTE">
+    AUTHORS’ NOTE
+  </h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Several portions of this book have appeared in <i>Punch</i>,
+and are reprinted here by courtesy of the Proprietors of
+that paper.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</span></p>
+
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_I">
+    CHAPTER I</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    CÆSAR INVADES BRITAIN
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>The first date&#x2060;<a id="FNanchor_1_1" href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a> in English History is 55 <span class="allsmcap">B.C.</span>, in
+which year Julius Cæsar (the <i>memorable</i> Roman
+Emperor) landed, like all other successful invaders of
+these islands, at Thanet. This was in the Olden Days,
+when the Romans were top nation on account of their
+classical education, etc.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp65" id="i_001" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_001.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Top nation</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>Julius Cæsar advanced very energetically, throwing
+his cavalry several thousands of paces over the River
+Flumen; but the Ancient Britons, though all well over
+military age, painted themselves true blue, or <i>woad</i>,
+and fought as heroically under their dashing queen,
+Woadicea, as they did later in thin red lines under
+their good queen, Victoria.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</span></p>
+
+<p>Julius Cæsar was therefore compelled to invade
+Britain again the following year (54 <span class="allsmcap">B.C.</span>, not 56, owing
+to the peculiar Roman method of counting), and having
+defeated the Ancient Britons by unfair means, such as
+battering-rams, tortoises, hippocausts, centipedes, axes
+and bundles, set the memorable Latin sentence, “Veni,
+Vidi, Vici,” which the Romans, who were all very well
+educated, construed correctly.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp72" id="i_002" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_002.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Dawn of British heroism</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>The Britons, however, who of course still used the
+old pronunciation, understanding him to have called
+them “Weeny, Weedy and Weaky,” lost heart and
+gave up the struggle, thinking that he had already
+divided them All into Three Parts.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">CULTURE AMONG THE ANCIENT BRITONS</p>
+
+<p>The Ancient Britons were by no means savages
+before the Conquest, and had already made great
+strides in civilization, e.g. they buried each other in
+long round wheelbarrows (agriculture) and burnt each
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</span>other alive (religion) under the guidance of even older
+Britons called Druids or Eisteddfods, who worshipped
+the Middletoe in the famous Druidical churchyard at
+Stoke Penge.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="i_003a" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_003a.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Agriculture</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>The Roman Conquest was, however, a <i>Good Thing</i>,
+since the Britons were only natives at that time.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE ROMAN OCCUPATION</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp83" id="i_003b" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_003b.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Roman occupied</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>For some reason the Romans neglected to overrun
+the country with fire and the sword, though they had
+both of these; in fact, after the Conquest they did
+not mingle with the Britons at all, but lived a semi-detached
+life in villas. They occupied their time for
+two or three hundred years in building Roman roads
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</span>and having Roman baths; this was called the Roman
+Occupation, and gave rise to the memorable Roman
+law, “HE WHO BATHS FIRST BATHS FAST,”
+which was a Good Thing, and still is. The Roman
+roads ran absolutely straight in all directions and all
+led to Rome. The Romans also built towns wherever
+they were wanted, and, in addition, a wall between
+England and Scotland to keep out the savage Picts and
+Scots. This wall was the work of the memorable
+Roman Emperor Balbus and was thus called Hadrian’s
+Wall. The Picts, or painted men,&#x2060;<a id="FNanchor_2_2" href="#Footnote_2_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a> were so called to
+distinguish them from the Britons. (See <i>supra</i>, <i><a href="#Page_1">woad</a></i>.)</p>
+
+
+<div class="footnotes">
+<h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a id="Footnote_1_1" href="#FNanchor_1_1" class="label">[1]</a> For the other date see <a href="#CHAPTER_XI">Chapter XI</a>, <i>William the Conqueror</i>.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a id="Footnote_2_2" href="#FNanchor_2_2" class="label">[2]</a> e.g. The Black Watch, The Red Comyn and Douglases of all
+colours.</p></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_II">
+    CHAPTER II</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    BRITAIN CONQUERED AGAIN
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>The withdrawal of the Roman legions to take part
+in Gibbon’s Decline and Fall of the Roman
+Empire (due to a clamour among the Romans for
+pompous amusements such as bread and circumstances)
+left Britain defenceless and subjected Europe to that
+long succession of Waves of which History is chiefly
+composed. While the Roman Empire was overrun by
+waves not only of Ostrogoths, Vizigoths and even
+Goths, but also of Vandals (who destroyed works of
+art) and Huns (who destroyed everything and everybody,
+including Goths, Ostrogoths, Vizigoths and even
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</span>Vandals), Britain was attacked by waves of Picts (and,
+of course, Scots) who had recently learnt how to climb
+the wall, and of Angles, Saxons and Jutes who, landing
+at Thanet, soon overran the country with fire (and, of
+course, the sword).</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">IMPORTANT NOTE</p>
+
+<p>The Scots (originally Irish, but by now Scotch) were
+at this time inhabiting Ireland, having driven the Irish
+(Picts) out of Scotland; while the Picts (originally
+Scots) were now Irish (living in brackets) and <i>vice
+versa</i>. It is essential to keep these distinctions clearly
+in mind (and <i>verce visa</i>).</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">HUMILIATION OF THE BRITONS</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="i_005" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_005.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>(? or horse)</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>The brutal Saxon invaders drove the Britons westward
+into Wales and compelled them to become Welsh,
+it is now considered doubtful whether this was a Good
+Thing. Memorable among the Saxon warriors were
+Hengist and his wife (? or horse), Horsa. Hengist
+made himself King in the South. Thus Hengist was
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</span>the first English King and his wife (or horse), Horsa,
+the first English Queen (or horse). The country was
+now almost entirely inhabited by Saxons and was
+therefore renamed England, and thus (naturally) soon
+became C. of E. This was a Good Thing, because
+previously the Saxons had worshipped some dreadful
+gods of their own called Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
+Thursday, Friday and Saturday.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_III">
+    CHAPTER III</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    THE CONVERSION OF ENGLAND
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Noticing some fair-haired children in the slave
+market one morning, Pope Gregory, the memorable
+Pope, said (in Latin). “What are those?” and
+on being told that they were Angels, made the memorable
+joke—“Non Angli, sed Angeli” (“<i>not</i> Angels, but
+<i>Anglicans</i>”) and commanded one of his Saints called
+St. Augustine to go and convert the rest.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp78" id="i_006" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_006.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Angels?</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</span></p>
+
+<p>The conversion of England was thus effected by the
+landing of St. Augustine in Thanet and other places,
+which resulted in the country being overrun by a
+Wave of Saints. Among these were St. Ive, St. Pancra,
+the great St. Bernard (originator of the clerical collar),
+St. Bee, St. Ebb, St. Neot (who invented whisky),
+St. Kit and St. Kin, and the Venomous Bead (author
+of <i>The Rosary</i>).</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="i_007" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_007.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Wave of Sts.</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>England was now divided into seven kingdoms and
+so ready were the English to become C. of E. that on
+one memorable occasion a whole Kingdom was easily
+converted by a sparrow.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">WAVE OF EGG-KINGS</p>
+
+<p>Soon after this event Egg-Kings were found on the
+thrones of all these kingdoms, such as Eggberd, Eggbreth,
+Eggfroth, etc. None of them, however, succeeded
+in becoming memorable—except in so far as it
+is difficult to forget such names as Eggbirth, Eggbred,
+Eggbeard, Eggfilth, etc. Nor is it even remembered
+by what kind of Eggdeath they perished.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</span></p>
+
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_IV">
+    CHAPTER IV</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    BRITAIN CONQUERED AGAIN
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>The conversion of Britain was followed by a Wave
+of Danes, accompanied by their sisters or <i>Sagas</i>,
+and led by such memorable warriors as Harold Falsetooth
+and Magnus the Great, who, landing correctly
+in Thanet, overran the country from right to left, with
+fire.&#x2060;<a id="FNanchor_3_3" href="#Footnote_3_3" class="fnanchor">[3]</a> After this the Danes invented a law called the
+Danelaw, which easily proved that since there was
+nobody else left alive there, all the right-hand part of
+England belonged to them. The Danish Conquest
+was, however, undoubtedly a <i>Good Thing</i>, because
+although it made the Danes top nation for a time it
+was the cause of Alfred the Cake (and in any case they
+were beaten utterly <i>in the end</i> by Nelson).</p>
+
+<p>By this time the Saxons had all become very old
+like the Britons before them and were called <i>ealdormen</i>;
+when they had been defeated in a battle by the Danes
+they used to sing little songs to themselves such as
+the memorable fragment discovered in the Bodleian
+Library at Oxford:</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph4">OLD-SAXON FRAGMENT</p>
+
+<div class="poetry-container">
+  <div class="poetry">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <div class="verse indent0">Syng a song of Saxons</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">In the Wapentake of Rye</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">Four and twenty eaoldormen</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">Two eaold to die....</div>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+<p class="author2">
+  <i>Anon.</i>
+</p>
+
+<p>The Danes, on the other hand, wrote a very defiant
+kind of Epic poetry, e.g.:</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</span></p>
+
+
+<p class="ph4">BEOLEOPARD</p>
+
+<p class="ph4">. .</p>
+
+<p class="ph4">OR</p>
+
+<p class="ph4">THE WITAN’S WHAIL</p>
+
+<p class="ph4">. .</p>
+
+<div class="poetry-container">
+  <div class="poetry">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <div class="verse indent0">Whan Cnut Cyng the Witan wold enfeoff</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">Of infanthief and outfangthief</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">Wonderlich were they enwraged</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">And wordwar waged</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">Sware Cnut great scot and lot</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">Swingë wold ich this illbegotten lot.</div>
+    </div>
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <div class="verse indent0">Wroth was Cnut and wrothword spake.</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">Well wold he win at wopantake.</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">Fain wold he brakë frith and crackë heads</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">And than they shold worshippe his redes.</div>
+    </div>
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <div class="verse indent0">Swingéd Cnut Cyng with swung sword</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">Howléd Witanë hellë but hearkened his word</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">Murië sang Cnut Cyng</div>
+      <div class="verse indent0">Outfangthief is Damgudthyng.</div>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="footnotes">
+<h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a id="Footnote_3_3" href="#FNanchor_3_3" class="label">[3]</a> And, according to certain obstinate historians, the Sword.</p></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_V">
+    CHAPTER V</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    ALFRED THE CAKE
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>King Alfred was the first Good King, with the
+exception of Good King Wenceslas, who, though
+he looked 4th, really came first (it is not known,
+however, what King Wenceslas was King of). Alfred
+ought never to be confused with King Arthur, equally
+memorable but probably non-existent and therefore
+perhaps less important historically (unless he did exist).</p>
+
+<p>There is a story that King Arthur once burnt some
+cakes belonging to Mrs. Girth, a great lady of the
+time, at a place called Atheling. As, however, Alfred
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</span>could not have been an Incendiary King <i>and</i> a Good
+King, we may dismiss the story as absurd, and in any
+case the event is supposed to have occurred in a marsh
+where the cakes would not have burnt properly. Cf.
+the famous lines of poetry about King Arthur and the
+cakes:</p>
+
+<div class="poetry-container">
+  <div class="poetry">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <div class="verse indent0">“Then slowly answered Alfred from the marsh—”</div>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+<p class="author3">
+  <i>Arthur, Lord Tennyson.</i>
+</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_VI">
+    CHAPTER VI</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    EXGALAHAD AND THE BRITISH NAVY
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>King Arthur invented Conferences because he
+was secretly a Weak King and liked to know
+what his memorable thousand and one Knights wanted
+to do next. As they were all parfitly jealous Knights
+he had to have the Memorable Round Table made to
+have the Conferences at, so that it was impossible to
+say which was top knight. He had a miraculous
+sword called Exgalahad with which he defeated the
+Danes in numerous battles. In this he was also much
+assisted by his marine inventions, including the water-clock
+and the British Navy. The latter invention
+occurred as follows.</p>
+
+<p>Alfred noticed that the Danes had very long ships,
+so he built a great many more much longer ones, thus
+cleverly founding the British Navy. From that time
+onwards foreigners, who, unlike the English, do not
+prefer to fight against long odds, seldom attacked
+the British Navy. Hence the important International
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</span>Law called the Rule Britannia, technically known as
+the Freedom of the Seas.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">HUMILIATION OF THE DANES</p>
+
+<p>The English resisted the Danes heroically under
+Alfred, never fighting except against heavy odds, till at
+the memorable Peace of Wedmore Alfred compelled the
+Danes, who were now (of course) beaten, to stop being
+Danes and become English and therefore C. of E. and
+get properly married.</p>
+
+<p>For this purpose they were made to go back and
+start again at Thanet, after which they were called in
+future Thanes instead of Danes and were on our side
+and in the right and very romantic.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_VII">
+    CHAPTER VII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    LADY WINDERMERE. AGE OF LAKE DWELLERS
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="i_011" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_011.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>A Bad Queen</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>Alfred had a very interesting wife called Lady
+Windermere (The Lady of the Lake), who was
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</span>always clothed in the same white frock, and used to go
+bathing with Sir Launcelot (also of the Lake) and was
+thus a Bad Queen. It was also in King Arthur’s time
+that the <i>Anglo-Saxon Chronicle</i> was published: this
+was the first English newspaper and had all the news
+about his victories, and Lady Windermere, and the
+Cakes, etc.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_VIII">
+    CHAPTER VIII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    ETHELREAD THE UNREADY. A WEAK KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Ethelread the Unready was the first
+Weak King of England and was thus the cause
+of a fresh Wave of Danes.</p>
+
+<p>He was called the Unready because he was never
+ready when the Danes were. Rather than wait for
+him the Danes used to fine him large sums called Danegeld,
+for not being ready. But though they were
+always ready, the Danes had very bad memories and
+often used to forget that they had been paid the Danegeld
+and come back for it almost before they had sailed
+away. By that time Ethelread was always unready
+again.</p>
+
+<p>Finally, Ethelread was taken completely unawares
+by his own death and was succeeded by Canute.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</span></p>
+
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_IX">
+    CHAPTER IX</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    CANUTE, AN EXPERIMENTAL KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>This memorable monarch, having set out from
+Norway to collect some Danegeld, landed by
+mistake at Thanet, and thus became King.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">CANUTE AND THE WAVES</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp57" id="i_013" style="max-width: 18.75em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_013.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>A Bad King</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>Canute began by being a Bad King on the advice of
+his Courtiers, who informed him (owing to a misunderstanding
+of the Rule Britannia) that the King of England
+was entitled to sit on the sea without getting wet.
+But finding that they were wrong he gave up this
+policy and decided to take his own advice in future—thus
+originating the memorable proverb, “Paddle your
+own Canute”—and became a Good King and C. of E.,
+and ceased to be memorable. After Canute there were
+no more aquatic kings till William IV (see later,
+<a href="#Page_95">Creation of Piers</a>).</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</span></p>
+
+<p>Canute had two sons, Halfacanute and Partacanute,
+and two other offspring, Rathacanute and Hardlicanute,
+whom, however, he would never acknowledge,
+denying to the last that he was their Fathacanute.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="i_014" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_014.jpg" alt="">
+</figure>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_X">
+    CHAPTER X</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    EDWARD THE CONFESSOR
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>On his death Canute’s Kingdom was divided
+between two further sons, who had been previously
+overlooked, Aftercanute and Harold Harebrush.
+These were succeeded by Edward the Confessor. It
+was about this time that the memorable Mac Beth
+(“Ian Hay”), known as the Bane of Fife, murdered
+a number of his enemies, including Mac Duff, Lord
+Dunsinaney, Sleep, etc.</p>
+
+<p>Edward the Confessor was with difficulty prevented
+from confessing to all these and many other crimes
+committed in his reign, as he was in the habit of confessing
+everything whether he had done it or not, and
+was thus a Weak King.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</span></p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE LAST ENGLISH KING</p>
+
+<p>With Edward the Confessor perished the last English
+King (viz. Edward the Confessor), since he was succeeded
+by Waves of Norman Kings (French), Tudors
+(Welsh), Stuarts (Scottish) and Hanoverians (German),
+not to mention the memorable Dutch King Williamanmary.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">TEST PAPER I</p>
+
+<p class="ph3"><span class="smcap">Up to the End of 1066</span></p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">1. Which do you consider were the more alike, Cæsar or
+Pompey, or <i>vice versa</i>? (Be brief.)</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">2. Discuss, in latin or gothic (<i>but not both</i>), whether the
+Northumbrian Bishops were more schismatical than
+the Cumbrian Abbots. (Be bright.)</p>
+
+<p>3. Which came first, <span class="allsmcap">A.D.</span> or <span class="allsmcap">B.C.</span>? (Be careful.)</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">4. Has it never occurred to you that the Romans <i>counted
+backwards</i>? (Be honest.)</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">5. How angry would you be if it was suggested</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  (1) That the XIth Chap. of the <i>Consolations of Boethius</i> was an interpolated palimpsest?<br>
+  (2) That an eisteddfod was an agricultural implement?
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">6. How would you have attempted to deal with</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  (<i>a</i>) The Venomous Bead?<br>
+  (<i>b</i>) A Mabinogion or Wapentake? (Be quick.)
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">7. What would have happened if (<i>a</i>) Boadicea had been
+the daughter of Edward the Confessor? (<i>b</i>) Canute
+had succeeded in sitting on the waves?</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  Does it matter?
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">8. Have you the faintest recollection of</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  (1) Ethelbreth?<br>
+  (2) Athelthral?<br>
+  (3) Thruthelthrolth?
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">9. What <i>have</i> you the faintest recollection of?</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</span></p>
+
+<p>10. Estimate the average age of</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  (1) The Ancient Britons.<br>
+  (2) Ealdormen.<br>
+  (3) Old King Cole.
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>11. Why do you know nothing at all about</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  (<i>a</i>) The Laws of Infangthief and Egg-seisin?<br>
+  (<i>b</i>) Saint Pancras?
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">12. Would you say that Ethelread the Unready was directly
+responsible for the French Revolution? If so, what
+<i>would</i> you say?</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>N.B.—Do not attempt to answer more than one question
+at a time.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XI">
+    CHAPTER XI</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    WILLIAM I. A CONQUERING KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>In the year 1066 occurred the other memorable date
+in English History, viz. <i>William the Conqueror, Ten
+Sixty-six</i>. This is also called <i>The Battle of Hastings</i>,
+and was when William I (1066) conquered England at
+the Battle of Senlac (<i>Ten Sixty-six</i>).</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="i_016" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_016.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>First Conquering Action</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>When William the Conqueror landed he lay down
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</span>on the beach and swallowed two mouthfuls of sand.
+This was his first conquering action and was in the
+South; later he ravaged the North as well.</p>
+
+<p>The Norman Conquest was a Good Thing, as from
+this time onwards England stopped being conquered
+and thus was able to become top nation.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">DOOMSDAY BOOK AND THE FORESTS</p>
+
+<p>William next invented a system according to which
+everybody had to belong to somebody else, and everybody
+else to the King. This was called the Feutile
+System, and in order to prove that it was true he wrote
+a book called the <i>Doomsday Book</i>, which contained an
+inventory of all the Possessions of all his subjects;
+after reading the book through carefully William
+agreed with it and signed it, indicating to everybody
+that the Possessions mentioned in it were now his.</p>
+
+<p>William the Conqueror (1066) is memorable for
+having loved an old stag as if it was his father, and
+was in general very fond of animals: he therefore
+made some very just and conquering laws about the
+Forests. One of these laws said that <i>all the forests and
+places which were not already Possessions belonged to the
+King</i> and that anyone found in them should <i>have his
+ears and legs cut off</i>—(these belonged to somebody else
+under the Feutile System, anyway)—and (if this had
+not already been done) should have his <i>eyes put out
+with red-hot irons</i>; after this the offender was allowed
+to fly the country.</p>
+
+<p>Another very conquering law made by William I
+said that everyone had to go to bed at eight o’clock.
+This was called the Curfew and was a Good Thing in
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</span>the end since it was the cause of Gray’s Energy in the
+country churchyard (at Stoke Penge).</p>
+
+<p>Although in all these ways William the Conqueror
+(1066) was a very strong king he was eventually
+stumbled to death by a horse and was succeeded by
+his son Rufus.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XII">
+    CHAPTER XII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    RUFUS. A RUDDY KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp69" id="i_018" style="max-width: 18.75em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_018.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>A Good Thing</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>This monarch was always very angry and red in
+the face and was therefore unpopular, so that his
+death was a Good Thing: it occurred in the following
+memorable way. Rufus was hunting one day in the
+New Forest, when William Tell (the memorable crack-shot,
+inventor of Cross-bow puzzles) took unerring aim
+at a reddish apple, which had fallen on to the King’s
+head, and shot him through the heart. Sir Isaac
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</span>Walton, who happened to be present at the time,
+thereupon invented the Law of Gravity. Thus was
+the reign of Rufus brought to a Good End.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XIII">
+    CHAPTER XIII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    HENRY I. A TRAGIC KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Henry I was famous for his handwriting and
+was therefore generally called Henry Beau-geste.
+He was extremely fond of his son William, who was,
+however, drowned in the White City. Henry tried to
+console himself for his loss by eating a surfeit of palfreys.
+This was a Bad Thing since he died of it and <i>never
+smiled again</i>.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XIV">
+    CHAPTER XIV</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    THE DREADFUL STORY OF STEPHEN AND HIS
+    AUNT MATILDA (OR MAUD)
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>The moment Stephen came to the throne it was
+realized that he was a mistake and had been
+christened wrong; thus everything was thrown into
+confusion.</p>
+
+<p>Stephen himself felt quite uncalled for, and even his
+Aunt Matilda was able to take him in when she began
+announcing that she was the real King. Stephen,
+however, soon discovered that she had been malchristened,
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</span>too, and was unable to say for certain
+whether her name was Matilda or Maud.</p>
+
+<p>After this Stephen and Matilda (or Maud) spent the
+reign escaping from each other over the snow in nightgowns
+while ‘God and His Angels slept.’</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="i_020" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_020.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Lax State of Affairs</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>Taking advantage of this lax state of affairs, the
+Barons built a surfeit of romantic castles, into which
+they lured everybody and then put them to the
+torture; nor is it recorded that the Sword was once
+sheathed, right to the bottom, during the whole of
+this dreadful reign. Hence the memorable greeting so
+common among the Barons of the time—“Merrie
+Englande!”</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XV">
+    CHAPTER XV</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    HENRY II. A JUST KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Henry II was a great Lawgiver, and it was he
+who laid down the great Legal Principle that
+everything is either legal or (preferably) illegal.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</span></p>
+
+<p>He also made another very just arrangement about
+trials:—</p>
+
+<p>Before Henry II’s time there were two kinds of legal
+trial, (<i>a</i>) the Ideal and (<i>b</i>) the Combat. The Ideal
+form of trial consisted in making a man plunge his
+head in boiling ploughshares, in order to see whether
+he had committed a crime or not. According to
+Henry’s reformed system a man was tried first by a
+jury of his equals and only had to plunge his head into
+the ploughshares afterwards (in order to confirm the
+jury’s opinion that he had committed the crime). This
+was obviously a much <i>Better Thing</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The Combat was a system by which in civil cases
+the litigants decided their dispute by mortal combat,
+after which the defeated party was allowed to fly the
+country. But Henry altered all this and declared that
+a Grand Jury must decide first what the parties were
+fighting about: a reform which naturally gave rise to
+grave discontent among the Barons, who believed in
+the Combat, the whole Combat and nothing but the
+Combat.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THOMAS À BELLOC</p>
+
+<p>It was at this time that Thomas à Belloc, the great
+religious leader, claimed that clergymen, whatever
+crimes they might commit, could not be punished at
+all; this privilege, which was for some reason known
+as Benefit of Clergy, was in full accord with the devout
+spirit of the age. Henry II, however, exclaimed to
+some of his Knights one day, “Who will rid me of this
+Chesterton beast?” Whereupon the Knights pursued
+Belloc and murdered him in the organ at Canterbury
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</span>Cathedral. Belloc was therefore made a Saint and the
+Knights came to be called the Canterbury Pilgrims.</p>
+
+<p>Shortly afterwards Henry died of despair on receiving
+news that his sons were all revolting.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XVI">
+    CHAPTER XVI</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    THE AGE OF PIETY
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>The Chapters between William I (1066) and the
+Tudors (Henry VIII, etc.) are always called the
+<i>Middle Ages</i>, on account of their coming at the beginning;
+this was also <i>The Age of Piety</i>, since Religious
+fervour was then at its height, people being (1) burnt
+alive with faggots (The Steak), (2) bricked up in
+the walls of Convents (Religious Foundations) and
+(3) tortured in dungeons (The Confessional).</p>
+
+<p>All this was not only pious but a Good Thing, as
+many of the people who were burnt, bricked, tortured,
+etc., became quite otherworldly.</p>
+
+<p>Nowadays people are not so pious, even sinners being
+denied the benefits of fervent Religion.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XVII">
+    CHAPTER XVII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    RICHARD I. A WILD KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Richard I was a hairy King with a Lion’s Heart;
+he went roaring about the Desert making ferocious
+attacks on the Saladins and the Paladins, and
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</span>was thus a very romantic King. Whenever he returned
+to England he always set out again immediately for
+the Mediterranean and was therefore known as Richard
+Gare de Lyon. He had a sword of enormous dimensions
+with which he used to practise cutting iron bars
+and anvils in half, whereas the Saladins had very sharp
+swords which were only useful for cutting cushions in
+half. In spite of which the Crusaders under Richard
+never got Jerusalem back; this was undoubtedly due
+to the treacherous behaviour of the Saladins, who used
+to fire on the Red Cross which the Crusaders wore on
+their chests in battle.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="i_023" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_023.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>A Wild King</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE STORY OF BLONDIN</p>
+
+<p>Richard is also famous for having a minstrel boy (or
+Touralour) called Blondin who searched for him under
+the walls of all the dungeons in Europe. This was
+when Richard had been caught by the blind King of
+Bohemia during a game of Blind King’s Bluff and sold
+to the Holy Roman Terror. Blondin eventually found
+him by singing the memorable song (or “touralay”)
+called “O Richard et mon Droit” (“Are you right,
+there, Richard?”), which Richard himself had composed.
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</span>Richard roared the chorus so that Blondin
+knew which dungeon he was in, and thus the King
+easily escaped and returned to the Crusades, where
+he died soon after of a surfeit of Saladins, and was
+therefore known in the East as Richard Cœur de Laitue.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XVIII">
+    CHAPTER XVIII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    JOHN. AN AWFUL KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>When John came to the throne he lost his temper
+and flung himself on the floor, foaming at the
+mouth and biting the rushes. He was thus a Bad
+King. Indeed, he had begun badly as a Bad Prince,
+having attempted to answer the Irish Question&#x2060;<a id="FNanchor_4_4" href="#Footnote_4_4" class="fnanchor">[4]</a> by
+pulling the beards of the aged Irish chiefs, which was
+a Bad Thing and the wrong answer.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">PRINCE ARTHUR—A TRAGEDY IN LITTLE</p>
+
+<p>John had a little nephew called Little Arthur, who
+was writing a little History of England in quite a small
+dungeon, and whose little blue eyes John had ordered
+to be put out with some weeny red-hot irons. The
+gaoler Hubert, however, who was a Good Man, wept so
+much that he put out the red-hot irons instead. John
+was therefore compelled to do the little deed himself
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</span>with a large, smallish knife, thus becoming the first
+memorable wicked uncle.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE BULL</p>
+
+<p>John was so bad that the Pope decided to put the
+whole country under an Interdict, i.e. he gave orders
+that no one was to be born or die or marry (except in
+Church porches). But John was still not cured of
+his Badness; so the Pope sent a Bull to England to
+excommunicate John himself. In spite of the King’s
+efforts to prevent it the Bull succeeded in landing and
+gave orders that John himself was not to be born or
+marry or die (except in Church porches); that no one
+was to obey him or stand him a drink or tell him the
+right time or the answer to the Irish Question or anything
+nice. So at last John gave way and he and his
+subjects began once more to be born and to marry and
+to die, etc. etc.</p>
+
+
+<div class="footnotes">
+<h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a id="Footnote_4_4" href="#FNanchor_4_4" class="label">[4]</a> N.B.—The Irish Question at this time consisted of:</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>(1) Some Norman Barons, who lived in a Pail (near
+Dublin).</p>
+
+<p>(2) The natives and Irish Chieftains, who were beyond
+Pail, living in bogs, beards, etc.</p>
+</blockquote>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XIX">
+    CHAPTER XIX</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    MAGNA CHARTER
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>There also happened in this reign the memorable
+Charta, known as Magna Charter on account of
+the Latin <i>Magna</i> (great) and Charter (a Charter);
+this was the first of the famous Chartas and Gartas of
+the Realm and was invented by the Barons on a desert
+island in the Thames called Ganymede. By congregating
+there, armed to the teeth, the Barons compelled
+John to sign the Magna Charter, which said:</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</span></p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">1. That no one was to be put to death, save for
+some reason—(except the Common People).</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">2. That everyone should be free—(except the Common
+People).</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">3. That everything should be of the same weight
+and measure throughout the Realm—(except the
+Common People).</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">4. That the Courts should be stationary, instead of
+following a very tiresome mediæval official known
+as the <i>King’s Person</i> all over the country.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">5. That “no person should be fined to his utter
+ruin”—(except the King’s Person).</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">6. That the Barons should not be tried except by
+a special jury of other Barons who would understand.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>Magna Charter was therefore the chief cause of
+Democracy in England, and thus a <i>Good Thing</i> for
+everyone (except the Common People).</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp85" id="i_026" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_026.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Utter Incompetence</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>After this King John hadn’t a leg to stand on and
+was therefore known as “John Lackshanks.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</span></p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">FINAL ACTS OF MISGOVERNMENT</p>
+
+<p>John finally demonstrated his utter incompetence
+by losing the Crown and all his clothes in the wash and
+then dying of a surfeit of peaches and no cyder; thus
+his awful reign came to an end.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XX">
+    CHAPTER XX</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    ROBIN HOOD AND HIS MERRIE MEN
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>About this time the memorable hero Robin Hood
+flourished in a romantic manner. Having been
+unjustly accused by two policemen in Richmond Park,
+he was condemned to be an outdoor and went and lived
+with a maid who was called Marion, and a band of
+Merrie Men, in Greenwood Forest, near Sherborne.
+Amongst his Merrie Men were Will Scarlet (<i>The Scarlet
+Pimpernel</i>), Black Beauty, White Melville, Little Red
+Riding Hood (probably an outdaughter of his) and the
+famous Friar Puck who used to sit in a cowslip and suck
+bees, thus becoming so fat that he declared he could
+put his girdle round the Earth.</p>
+
+<p>Robin Hood was a miraculous shot with the longbow
+and it is said that he could split a hare at 400 paces
+and a Sheriff at 800. He therefore spent his time blowing
+a horn and shooting at the Sheriff of Nottingham
+(who was an outwit). He always used to sound his
+horn first, particularly when shooting round a corner;
+this showed his sportsmanship and also enabled him to
+shoot the Sheriff running, which was more difficult.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</span></p>
+
+<p>Robin Hood was also very good at socialism and
+often took money away from rich clergymen and gave
+it to the poor, who loved him for his generosity. He
+died very romantically. Having taken some medicine
+supplied by his Wicked Aunt and feeling his strength
+going, he blew a dying blast on his horn and with his
+dying breath fired a last shot out of his bedroom
+window, and <i>hit the Sheriff of Nottingham again</i>.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="i_028" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_028.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Sheriff running ... more difficult</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XXI">
+    CHAPTER XXI</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    HENRY III. A NONDESCRIPT KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Henry III was a confused kind of King and is
+only memorable for having seized all the money
+in the Mint, imprisoned himself in the Tower of London
+and, finally, flung himself into the Bosom of the Pope.</p>
+
+<p>While he was in the Tower, Henry III wrote a letter
+to the nation saying that he was a Good Thing. This
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</span>so confused the Londoners that they armed themselves
+with staves, jerkins, etc., and massacred the Jews in
+the City. Later, when he was in the Pope’s Bosom,
+Henry further confused the People by presenting all
+the Bonifaces of the Church to Italians. And the
+whole reign was rapidly becoming less and less memorable
+when one of the Barons called Simon de Montfort
+saved the situation by announcing that he had a
+memorable Idea.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">SIMON DE MONTFORT’S GOOD IDEA</p>
+
+<p>Simon de Montfort’s Idea was to make the Parliament
+more Representative by inviting one or two
+vergers, or vergesses, to come from every parish, thus
+causing the only Good Parliament in History.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE BARONS</p>
+
+<p>Simon de Montfort, though only a Frenchman, was
+thus a Good Thing, and is very notable as being the
+only good Baron in history. The other Barons were,
+of course, all wicked Barons. They had, however,
+many important duties under the Banorial system.
+These were:</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>1. To be armed to the teeth.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">2. To extract from the Villein&#x2060;<a id="FNanchor_5_5" href="#Footnote_5_5" class="fnanchor">[5]</a> Saccage and Soccage,
+tollage and tallage, pillage and ullage, and, in
+extreme cases, all other banorial amenities such as
+umbrage and porrage. (These may be collectively
+defined as the banorial rites of carnage and
+wreckage.)</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</span></p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">3. To hasten the King’s death, deposition, insanity,
+etc., and make quite sure that there were always
+at least three false claimants to the throne.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">4. To resent the Attitude of the Church. (The
+Barons were secretly jealous of the Church, which
+they accused of encroaching on their rites—see
+p. <a href="#Page_22">22</a>, Age of Piety.)</p>
+
+<p>5. To keep up the Middle Ages.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp50" id="i_030" style="max-width: 18.75em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_030.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>To extract from <i>The Villein</i></p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><span class="smcap">Note</span></p>
+
+<p>In order to clear up the general confusion of the
+period it is customary to give at this point a genealogical
+table of the Kings (and even some Queens) of England.
+As these tables are themselves somewhat confusing,
+the one which follows has been to a certain extent
+<i>rationalized</i>, and will, the Editors hope, prove to be
+exceptionally memorable.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</span></p>
+
+<ul class="index">
+<li class="indx">Julius Cæsar = Cymbaline</li>
+<li class="isub1">Balbus = Boadicea</li>
+<li class="isub2">Edward the Confessor = the Lady of Shalott</li>
+<li class="isub3">William I</li>
+<li class="isub4">William II</li>
+<li class="isub5">Williamandmary</li>
+<li class="isub6">William IV</li>
+<li class="isub3">Broody Mary</li>
+<li class="isub4">Elizabeth</li>
+<li class="isub5">Anne</li>
+<li class="isub6">Victoria</li>
+<li class="isub3">Edward I</li>
+<li class="isub4">Edward II</li>
+<li class="isub5">Edward III</li>
+<li class="isub6">Edward IV</li>
+<li class="isub7">Edward V</li>
+<li class="isub8">Edward VI</li>
+<li class="isub9">Edward VII</li>
+<li class="isub1">Alfred (Arthur) = Lady Windermere (The Lady of the Lake)</li>
+<li class="isub2">John of Gaunt = (1) Lady Godiva</li>
+<li class="isub3">Henry I o.s.p.*</li>
+<li class="isub4">Henry II</li>
+<li class="isub5">Henry III</li>
+<li class="isub6">Henry IV (Part I)</li>
+<li class="isub7">Henry V</li>
+<li class="isub8">Henry VI</li>
+<li class="isub9">Henry VII</li>
+<li class="isub10">Henry VIII</li>
+<li class="isub3">James I</li>
+<li class="isub4">James II</li>
+<li class="isub5">Charles I</li>
+<li class="isub6">Charles II</li>
+<li class="isub7">George I</li>
+<li class="isub8">George II</li>
+<li class="isub9">George III</li>
+<li class="isub10">George IV</li>
+<li class="isub3">Richard I</li>
+<li class="isub4">Richard II</li>
+<li class="isub5">Richard III</li>
+<li class="isub2">John of Gaunt = (2) Margaret of Angoulême</li>
+<li class="isub2">John of Gaunt = (3) Joan of Arc</li>
+<li class="isub2">John of Gaunt = (4) The Infanta</li>
+<li class="isub2">John of Gaunt = (5) The Maria Theresa</li>
+<li class="isub2">John of Gaunt = (6) Ann of Geierstein</li>
+<li class="isub2">John of Gaunt = (7) etc.</li>
+<li class="isub2">John of Gaunt = (8) etc. etc.</li>
+</ul>
+
+
+<p class="center">Carried forward: Ole King Cole<br>
+                                    Stephen<br>
+                                    John o.s.p.†<br>
+                                    Henry IV (Part II)&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;     <i>E. & O. E.</i></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</span></p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">TEST PAPER II</p>
+
+<p class="ph3"><span class="smcap">Up to the End of Henry III</span></p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>*1. Give the dates of at least two of the following:</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  (1) William the Conqueror.<br>
+  (2) 1066.
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>*2. What is a Plantagenet? Do you agree?</p>
+
+<p>*3. Trace by means of graphs, etc.,</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  (1) The incidence of scurvy in the Chiltern Hundreds during the reign of Rufus.<br>
+  (2) The Bosom of the Pope.<br>
+  (Squared paper, compasses, etc., may be used.)
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>*4. Expostulate (chiefly) on</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  (<i>a</i>) The Curfew.<br>
+  (<i>b</i>) Gray’s Energy in the Country Churchyard.
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>*5. Estimate the size of</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  (1) Little Arthur.<br>
+  (2) Friar Puck.<br>
+  (3) Magna Charta.
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>6. Fill in the names of at least some of the following:</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  (1) ——————.<br>
+  (2) ——————.<br>
+  (3) Simon de Montfort.
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>7. King John had no redeeming features. (Illustrate.)</p>
+
+<p>8. Arrange in this order:</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  (1) Henry I.<br>
+  (2) Henry II.<br>
+  (3) Henry III.<br>
+  (Do not attempt to answer more than once.)
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent2">*9. (<i>a</i>) How far did the Lords Repellent drive Henry III into the arms of Pedro the Cruel? (Protractors may not be used.)<br>
+  (<i>b</i>) Matilda or Maud? (Write on one side of the paper only.)
+</p>
+
+<p>*10. How would you dispose of:</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  (<i>a</i>) A Papal Bull?<br>
+  (<i>b</i>) Your nephews?<br>
+  (<i>c</i>) Your mother? (Be brutal.)
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</span></p>
+
+<p>*11. Which would you rather be:</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  (1) The Sheriff of Nottingham?<br>
+  (2) A Weak King?<br>
+  (3) Put to the Sword?
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+</blockquote>
+<blockquote>
+<p>*N.B.—Candidates over thirty need not attempt questions
+10, 2, 5, 3, 4, 11, 8 or 1.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+
+<div class="footnotes">
+<h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a id="Footnote_5_5" href="#FNanchor_5_5" class="label">[5]</a> <i>Villein</i>: mediæval term for agricultural labourer, usually
+suffering from scurvy, Black Death, etc.</p></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XXII">
+    CHAPTER XXII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    EDWARD I. A STRONG KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Long before Henry III had died (of a surfeit of
+Barons, Bonifaces, etc.) Edward I had taken
+advantage of the general confusion and of the death of
+Simon de Montfort (probably of a surfeit of Vergers)
+to become King before his reign had begun.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="i_033" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_033.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Sat on it himself</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>Edward I was thus a strong King, and one of the
+first things he did was to make a strong arrangement
+about the Law Courts. Hitherto there had been a
+number of Benches there, on all of which a confused
+official called the Justinian had tried to sit. Edward
+had them all amalgamated into one large Bench called
+the King’s Bench, and sat on it himself.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</span></p>
+
+<p>Edward I, who had already (in his Saladin days)
+piously decimated several thousand Turks at Nazareth,
+now felt so strong that he decided to Hammer the
+Scots, who accordingly now come right into History.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp76" id="i_034a" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_034a.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Malleus Scotorum</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp78" id="i_034b" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_034b.jpg" alt="">
+</figure>
+
+<p>The childless Scotch King Alexander the Great had
+trotted over a cliff and was thus dead; so the Scots
+asked Edward to tell them who was King of Scotland,
+and Edward said that a Balliol man ought to be.
+Delighted with this decision the Scots crossed the
+Border and ravaged Cumberland with savage ferocity;
+in reply to which Edward also crossed the Border and,
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</span>carrying off the Sacred Scone of Scotland on which the
+Scottish Kings had been crowned for centuries, buried
+it with great solemnity in Westminster Abbey.</p>
+
+<p>This was, of course, a Good Thing for the Scots
+because it was the cause of William the Wallace (not
+to be confused with Robert Bruce), who immediately
+defeated the English at Cambuskenneth (Scotch for
+Stirling) and invaded England with ferocious savagery.
+In answer to this Edward captured the Bruce and had
+him horribly executed with savage ferocity. Soon
+after, Edward died of suffocation at a place called
+Burrow-in-the-Sands and was succeeded by his worthless
+son Edward II.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XXIII">
+    CHAPTER XXIII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    EDWARD II. A WORTHLESS KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp73" id="i_035" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_035.jpg" alt="">
+</figure>
+
+<p>Edward II had a wave of favourites or hangers-on
+at Court, of whom the worst were the Suspenders
+and the Peers Gaveston. There were two memorable
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</span>Suspenders, the Old Suspender and the Young Suspender,
+and they were Edward’s reply to the continual
+applications of the Barons for a confirmation of all
+the charters and garters of the Realm. But even Edward
+II’s worthless character cannot alone explain.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE BATTLE OF BANNOCKBURN</p>
+
+<p>The Scots were now under the leadership of the
+Bruce (not to be confused with the Wallace), who,
+doubtful whether he had slain the Red Comyn or not,
+armed himself with an enormous spider and marched
+against the English, determined if possible to win back
+the Great Scone by beating the English three times
+running.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="i_036" style="max-width: 64.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_036.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>THE BANNOCKBURN<br>
+    (or Flodden)</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</span></p>
+
+<p>The fact that the English were defeated has so confused
+Historians that many false theories are prevalent
+about the Bannockburn Campaign. What actually
+happened is quite clear from the sketch map on
+opposite page.</p>
+
+<p>The causes of the English defeat were all unfair and
+were:</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">1. <i>The Pits.</i> Every time the Wallace saw some
+English Knights charging at him he quickly dug
+one of these unnatural hazards into which the
+English Knights, who had been taught to ride
+straight, galloped with flying colours.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">2. <i>Superior numbers of the English</i> (four to one).
+Accustomed to fight against heavy odds the English
+were uneasy, and when the Scots were unexpectedly
+reinforced by a large body of butlers with
+camp stools the English soldiers mistook them for
+a fresh army of Englishmen and retreated in
+disgust.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">3. <i>Foul riding by Scottish Knights.</i> This was typified
+even before the battle during an exhibition combat
+between the Bruce and the English Champion,
+Baron Henry le Bohunk, when Bruce, mounted
+on a Shetland pony, galloped underneath the
+Baron and, coming up unexpectedly on the blind
+side, struck him a foul blow behind and maced
+him up for life.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">MEMORABLE SCREAMS OF EDWARD II</p>
+
+<p>Edward II was so weak that he kept banishing his
+favourites and then unbanishing them again. The
+Barons therefore became so impatient that they deposed
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</span>Edward without even waiting to arrange for any false
+claimants to the throne. Thus Edward III became
+King.</p>
+
+<p>Shortly afterwards <span class="allsmcap">HORRIBLE SCREAMS</span> were heard
+issuing from the Berkeley where Edward II was
+imprisoned and the next day he was horribly dead.
+But since not even the Barons would confess to having
+horribly murdered him, it is just possible that Edward
+had merely been dying of a surfeit in the ordinary way.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XXIV">
+    CHAPTER XXIV</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    EDWARD III. A ROMANTIC KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Edward III had a very romantic reign which he
+began by confining his mother in a stronghold
+for the rest of her life, and inventing a law called the
+Gallic Law according to which he was King of France,
+and could therefore make war on it whenever he felt
+inclined.</p>
+
+<p>In order to placate Edward, the French King sent
+him a box of new tennis balls. When the parcel was
+opened the Prince of Wales, who was present, mottoed
+to himself memorably (in Bohemian) “Ich Dien,”
+which means “My serve,” and immediately invaded
+France with an army of archers. This prince was the
+memorable All-Black Prince, and the war was called
+the Hundred Years War, because the troops signed on
+for a hundred years or the duration.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</span></p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE BATTLE OF CRESY</p>
+
+<p>This deçisive battle of the world was fought during
+a total eclipçe of the sun and naturally ended in a
+complete victory for the All-Black Prince, who very
+romantically “won his Spurs”&#x2060;<a id="FNanchor_6_6" href="#Footnote_6_6" class="fnanchor">[6]</a> by slaughtering one-third
+of the French nobility.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE SIX BURGLARS OF CALAIS</p>
+
+<p>Edward III then laid siege to Calais in order to be
+ready to return to England if necessary, and on the
+capitulation of the town ordered the six richest citizens
+to come forth with halters round their necks and wearing
+only their shorts, and to surrender all the keys in
+the city. The inhabitants therefore at once appointed
+the six chief burglars of Calais and Edward agreed with
+this, romantically commanding that they should be
+put to death as soon as they came in. His Queen, however,
+pointed out what a much more romantic thing it
+would be to pardon them and make them barons in the
+Exchequer. Edward therefore pardoned them in spite
+of his private feelings that the original plan was more
+romantic still.</p>
+
+<p>After this Edward had all the wool in England kept
+in a stable at Calais instead of in a sack in the House
+of Commons; this was a Bad Thing, as it was the
+beginning of Political Economy.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">WYCLIF AND THE DULLARDS</p>
+
+<p>During this reign the memorable preacher Wyclif
+collected together a curious set of men known as the
+Lollards or Dullards, because they insisted on walking
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</span>about with their tongues hanging out and because they
+were so stupid that they could not do the Bible in
+Latin and demanded that everyone should be allowed
+to use an English translation. They were thus heretics
+and were accordingly unpopular with the top men in
+the Church who were very good at Latin and who
+liked to see some Dullards burnt before every meal.
+Hence the memorable grace “De Heretico Comburendo,
+Amen,” known as the Pilgrim’s Grace.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp64" id="i_040a" style="max-width: 18.75em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_040a.jpg" alt="">
+</figure>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">ROYAL TACT</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp67" id="i_040b" style="max-width: 18.75em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_040b.jpg" alt="">
+</figure>
+
+<p>Edward III had very good manners. One day at a
+royal dance he noticed some men-about-court mocking
+a lady whose garter had come off, whereupon to put her
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</span>at her ease he stopped the dance and made the memorable
+epitaph: “<i>Honi soie qui mal y pense</i>” (“Honey,
+your silk stocking’s hanging down”) and having replaced
+the garter with a romantic gesture gave the ill-mannered
+courtiers the Order of the Bath. (This was an extreme
+form of torture in the Middle Ages.)</p>
+
+
+<div class="footnotes">
+<h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a id="Footnote_6_6" href="#FNanchor_6_6" class="label">[6]</a> His father the King had betted him a pair of hotspurs that he
+could not do this.</p></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XXV">
+    CHAPTER XXV</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    RICHARD II. AN UNBALANCED KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp70" id="i_041" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_041.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Got off the throne</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>Richard II was only a boy at his accession: one
+day, however, suspecting that he was now twenty-one,
+he asked his uncle and, on learning that he was,
+mounted the throne himself and tried first being a Good
+King and then being a Bad King, without enjoying
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</span>either very much: then, being told that he was
+unbalanced, he got off the throne again in despair,
+exclaiming gloomily: “For God’s sake let me sit on
+the ground and tell bad stories about cabbages and
+things.” Whereupon his cousin Lancaster (spelt
+Bolingbroke) quickly mounted the throne and said he
+was Henry IV, Part I.</p>
+
+<p>Richard was thus abdicated and was led to the Tower
+and subsequently to Pontefract Castle where he died of
+mysterious circumstances, probably a surfeit of Pumfreys
+(spelt Pontefracts).</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">APPENDIX</p>
+
+<p class="ph3">THE PHEASANTS REVOLT</p>
+
+
+<p>They did this in several reigns under such memorable
+leaders as Black Kat, Straw Hat, John Bull and What
+Tyler</p>
+
+<p>I. Objects:</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>(<i>a</i>) to obtain a free pardon for having revolted.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent2">(<i>b</i>) to find out which was the gentleman when Adam
+delved and Eve span. (The answer was, of
+course, Adam, but the mystics of the Church
+had concealed this dangerous knowledge.)</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent2">(<i>c</i>) to find out who was King and which of them
+was the Leader of the Rebellion.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>d</i>) to abolish the Villein.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>The Pheasants’ Revolts were therefore purely educational
+movements and were thus easily suppressed.</p>
+
+<p>II. How Quelled:</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>(<i>a</i>) the Pheasants were met at Smithfield by the
+King who</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent2">(<i>b</i>) riding forward alone on a white horse answered
+object (<i>c</i>) by announcing (I) “I am your King,”
+and (II) “I will be your leader.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</span></p>
+
+<p>(<i>c</i>) the real leader was then slain quickly by one of
+the Barons.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>d</i>) a free pardon was granted to the Pheasants
+[see object (<i>a</i>)].</p>
+
+<p>(<i>e</i>) all were then put to death on the ground that
+they were Villeins [see object (<i>d</i>)].</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>These Revolts were thus clearly romantic episodes, and
+a Good Thing, and the clergy were enabled to prevent the
+pheasants finding out the answer to object (<i>b</i>).</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XXVI">
+    CHAPTER XXVI</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    HENRY IV. A SPLIT KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>When Henry IV Part I came to the throne the
+Barons immediately flung their gloves on the
+floor in order to prove</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>1. That Richard II was not yet dead<br>
+2. That Henry had murdered him.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>Henry very gallantly replied to this challenge by
+exhibiting Richard II’s head in St. Paul’s Cathedral,
+thus proving that he was innocent. Finding, however,
+that he was not memorable, he very patriotically abdicated
+in favour of Henry IV, Part II.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">RENEWED EDUCATIONAL FERMENT</p>
+
+<p>Even Henry IV Part II, however, is only memorable
+for having passed some interesting laws against his <i>Old
+Retainers</i>, i.e. butlers and sutlers, who had irritated
+him by demanding <i>Liveries</i>, requiring too much <i>Maintenance</i>,
+etc. He also captured the Scottish Prince
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</span>James and, while keeping him as a sausage, had him
+carefully educated for nineteen years; finding, however,
+that James was still Scotch, Henry IV Part II
+lost interest in education and died.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XXVII">
+    CHAPTER XXVII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    HENRY V. AN IDEAL KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp59" id="i_044" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_044.jpg" alt="">
+</figure>
+
+<p>On the death of Henry IV Part II, his son, Prince
+Hal, who had won all English hearts by his youthful
+pranks—(such as trying on the crown while his
+father lay dying, and hitting a very old man called
+Judge Gascoigne)—determined to justify public expectation
+by becoming the <i>Ideal English King</i>. He
+therefore decided on an immediate appearance in the
+Hundred Years War, making a declaration that all
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</span>the treaties with France were to be regarded as dull
+and void.</p>
+
+<p>Conditions in France were favourable to Henry since
+the French King, being mad, had entrusted the government
+of the country to a dolphin and the command of
+the army to an elderly constable. After capturing
+some breeches at Harfleur (more than once) by the
+original expedients of disguising his friends as imitation
+tigers, stiffening their sinews, etc., Henry was held up
+on the road to Calais by the constable, whom he
+defeated at the utterably memorable battle of <span class="smcap">Agincourt</span>
+(French <span class="smcap">Poictiers</span>). He then displaced the
+dolphin as ruler of Anjou, Menjou, Poilou, Maine,
+Touraine, Againe and Againe, and realizing that he
+was now too famous to live long expired at the ideal
+moment.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XXVIII">
+    CHAPTER XXVIII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    HENRY VI. A VERY SMALL KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="i_045" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_045.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>A Weak King</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>The next King, Henry VI, was only one year old
+and was thus rather a Weak King; indeed the
+Barons declared that he was quite numb and vague.
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</span>When he grew up, however, he was such a Good Man
+that he was considered a Saint, or alternatively (especially
+by the Barons) an imbecile.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">JOAN OF ARK</p>
+
+<p>During this reign the Hundred Years War was
+brought to an end by <i>Joan of Ark</i>, a French descendant
+of Noah who after hearing Angel voices singing <i>Do
+Ré Mi</i> became inspired, thus unfairly defeating the
+English in several battles. Indeed, she might even
+have made France top nation if the Church had not
+decided that she would make an exceptionally memorable
+martyr. Thus Joan of Ark was a Good Thing in
+the end and is now the only memorable French saint.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE WARS OF THE ROSES</p>
+
+<p>Noticing suddenly that the Middle Ages were coming
+to an end, the Barons now made a stupendous effort
+to revive the old Feudal amenities of Sackage, Carnage
+and Wreckage and so stave off the Tudors for a time.
+They achieved this by a very clever plan, known as
+the <i>Wars of the Roses</i> (because the Barons all picked
+different coloured roses in order to see which side they
+were on).</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">WARWICK THE KINGMAKER</p>
+
+<p>One of the rules in the Wars of the Roses was that
+nobody was ever really King but that Edmund Mortimer
+really ought to be: any Baron who wished to be considered
+King was allowed to apply at Warwick the
+Kingmaker’s, where he was made to fill up a form,
+answering the following questions:</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</span></p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>1. Are you a good plain cook?</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent3">2. Are you Edmund Mortimer? If not, have you
+got him?</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent3">3. Have you ever been King before? If so, state
+how many times; also whether deposed, beheaded,
+or died of surfeit.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent3">4. Are you insane? If so, state whether permanently
+or only temporarily.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent3">5. Are you prepared to marry Margaret of
+Angoulême? If Isabella of Hainault preferred,
+give reasons. (Candidates are advised not to
+attempt both ladies.)</p>
+
+<p>6. Have you had the Black Death?</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent3">7. What have you done with your mother? (If
+<i>Nun</i>, write <i>None</i>.)</p>
+
+<p>8. Do you intend to be
+</p>
+
+<table class="autotable">
+<tr>
+<td class="tdr">
+I
+</td>
+<td class="tdl">
+(<i>a</i>) a Good King.
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td class="tdl">
+(<i>b</i>) a Bad King.
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td class="tdl">
+(<i>c</i>) a Weak King.
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdr">
+II
+</td>
+<td class="tdl">
+(<i>a</i>) a Good Man.
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">
+
+</td>
+<td class="tdl">
+(<i>b</i>) a Bad Man.
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>(Candidates must not attempt more than one
+in each section.)</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>9. How do you propose to die? (Write your
+answer in <span class="allsmcap">BLOCK CAPITALS</span>.)</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</span></p>
+
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XXIX">
+    CHAPTER XXIX</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    CAUSE OF THE TUDORS
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>During the Wars of the Roses the Kings became
+less and less memorable (sometimes even getting
+in the wrong order) until at last one of them was nothing
+but some little princes smothered in the Tower, and
+another, finding that his name was Clarence, had himself
+drowned in a spot of Malmsey wine; while the last
+of all even attempted to give his Kingdom to a horse.
+It was therefore decided, since the Stuarts were not
+ready yet, to have some Welsh Kings called Tudors (on
+account of their descent from Owen Glendower) who,
+it was hoped, would be more memorable.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp63" id="i_048" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_048.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Finding that his name
+    was Clarence</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>The first of these Welsh Kings was Henry VII, who
+defeated all other Kings at the Battle of Boswell Field
+and took away their roses. After the battle the crown
+was found hanging up in a hawthorn tree on top of
+a hill. This is memorable as being the only occasion
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</span>on which the crown has been found after a battle hanging
+up in a hawthorn tree on top of a hill.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">HENRY VII’S STATECRAFT</p>
+
+<p>Henry VII was a miser and very good at statecraft;
+he invented some extremely clever policies such as
+the one called Morton’s Fork. This was an enormous
+prong with which his minister Morton visited the rich
+citizens (or burghlers as they were called). If the
+citizen said he was poor, Morton drove his Fork in a
+certain distance and promised not to take it out until
+the citizen paid a large sum of money to the King. As
+soon as this was forthcoming Morton dismissed him, at
+the same time shouting “Fork Out” so that Henry
+would know the statecraft had been successful. If
+the burghler said he was quite rich Morton did the
+same thing: it was thus a very clever policy and
+always succeeded except when Morton put the Fork in
+too far.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp80" id="i_049" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_049.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>A certain distance</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</span></p>
+
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XXX">
+    CHAPTER XXX</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    LAMBERT SIMNEL AND PERKIN WARBECK
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>English History has always been subject to
+Waves of Pretenders. These have usually come
+in small waves of about 2—an Old Pretender and a
+Young Pretender, their object being to sow dissension in
+the realm, and if possible to confuse the Royal issue by
+pretending to be heirs to the throne.</p>
+
+<p>Two Pretenders who now arose were Lambert
+Simnel and Perkin Warbeck, and they succeeded in
+confusing the issue absolutely by being so similar that
+some historians suggest they were really the same
+person (i.e. the Earl of Warbeck).</p>
+
+<p>Lambert Simnel (the Young Pretender) was really
+(probably) himself, but cleverly pretended to be the
+Earl of Warbeck. Henry VII therefore ordered him
+to be led through the streets of London to prove that
+he really was.</p>
+
+<p>Perkin Warbeck (the Older and more confusing
+Pretender) insisted that he was himself, thus causing
+complete dissension till Henry VII had him led through
+the streets of London to prove that he was really
+Lambert Simnel.</p>
+
+<p>The punishment of these memorable Pretenders was
+justly similar, since Perkin Warmnel was compelled
+to become a blot on the King’s skitchen, while Perbeck
+was made an escullion. Wimneck, however, subsequently
+began pretending again. This time he pretended
+that he had been smothered in early youth and
+buried under a stair-rod while pretending to be one of
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</span>the Little Princes in the Tower. In order to prove
+that he had not been murdered before, Henry was
+reluctantly compelled to have him really executed.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp84" id="i_051" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_051.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Punishment of Lamnel
+    (or Wermkin)</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>Even after his execution many people believed that
+he was only pretending to have been beheaded, while
+others declared that it was not Warmneck at all but
+Lamkin, and that Permnel had been dead all the time
+really, like Queen Anne.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">POYNING’S LAW</p>
+
+<p>Henry VII was very good at answering the Irish
+Question, and made a Law called Poyning’s Law by
+which the Irish could have a Parliament of their own,
+but the English were to pass all the Acts in it. This
+was obviously a very Good Thing.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">AGE OF DARING DISCOVERIES</p>
+
+<p>The reign of Henry VII marks the end of the Middle
+Ages. These were succeeded by an age of daring discoveries,
+such as when Caprornicus observed the Moon
+while searching the skies with a telescope, thus causing
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</span>the rotation of the Earth, crops, etc. Emboldened by
+this, Caprornicus began openly discussing the topic of
+capricorns, for which he was unanimously put to death.</p>
+
+<p>The greatest of these discoverers, however, was St.
+Christophus Columba, the utterly memorable American,
+who, with the assistance of the intrepid adventurers
+John and Sebastian Robot, discovered how to make
+an egg stand on its wrong end. (Modern History is
+generally dated from this event.)</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">TEST PAPER III</p>
+
+<p class="ph3"><span class="smcap">Up to the End of Henry VII</span></p>
+
+
+<p>1. Contract, Expand and Explode</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  (<i>a</i>) The Charters and Garters of the Realm.<br>
+  (<i>b</i>) The Old Suspender.
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>2. How did any <i>one</i> of the following differ from any one
+of the other?</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  (1) Henry IV, Part I.<br>
+  (2) Henry IV, Part II.
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">3. “The end of the closing of the 2nd stage of the Treaty
+of Bretigny marks the opening of a new phase in the
+1st stage of the termination of the Hundred Years
+War.” (Confute.)</p>
+
+<p>4. “Know ye not Agincourt?” (Confess.)</p>
+
+<p>5. “Uneasy lies the head that wears a Throne.”</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  (<i>a</i>) Suggest remedies, or<br>
+  (<i>b</i>) Imitate the action of a Tiger.
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>6. Intone interminably (but inaudibly)</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  &nbsp;i The Pilgrims’ Grace.<br>
+  ii “Cuccu.”
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">7. Do not draw a skotch-map of the Battle of Bannockburn,
+but write not more than three lines on the
+advantages and disadvantages of the inductive historical
+method with special relation to ecclesiastical
+litigation in the earlier Lancastrian epochs.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</span></p>
+
+<p>8. How would you confuse</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  (1) The Wars of the Roses?<br>
+  (2) Lamnel Simian and Percy Warmneck?<br>
+  (3) The Royal issue?
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">9. Why do you picture John of Gaunt as a rather emaciated
+grandee?</p>
+
+<p>10. Describe in excessive detail</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  (<i>a</i>) The advantages of the Black Death.<br>
+  (<i>b</i>) The fate of the Duke of Clarence.<br>
+  (<i>c</i>) A Surfeit.
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>N.B.—Candidates should write on at least one side of
+the paper.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XXXI">
+    CHAPTER XXXI</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    BLUFF KING HAL
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Henry VIII was a strong King with a very strong
+sense of humour and VIII wives, memorable
+amongst whom were Katherine the Arrogant, Anne of
+Cloves, Lady Jane Austin and Anne Hathaway. His
+beard was, however, red.</p>
+
+<p>In his youth Henry was fond of playing tennis and
+after his accession is believed never to have lost a set.
+He also invented a game called “<i>Bluff King Hal</i>”
+which he invited his ministers to play with him. The
+players were blindfolded and knelt down with their
+heads on a block of wood; they then guessed whom
+the King would marry next.</p>
+
+<p>Cardinal Wolsey, the memorable homespun statesman
+and inventor of the Wolsack, played this game
+with Henry and won. But his successor, Cromwell
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</span>(<i>not to be confused with Cromwell</i>), after winning on
+points, was disqualified by the King (who always acted
+as umpire), and lost.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp99" id="i_054" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_054.jpg" alt="">
+</figure>
+
+<p>In the opinion of Shakespeare (the memorable play-writer
+and Top Poet) his unexpected defeat was due
+to his failure to fling away ambition.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE RESTORATION</p>
+
+<p>Henry wanted the Pope to give him a divorce from
+his first wife, Katherine. He wanted this because</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>(<i>a</i>) she was Arrogant.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>b</i>) he had married her a very long time ago.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>c</i>) when she had a baby it turned out to be Broody
+Mary, and Henry wanted a boy.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>d</i>) he thought it would be a Good Thing.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>The Pope, however, refused, and seceded with all his
+followers from the Church of England. This was
+called the Restoration.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">HENRY’S PLAN FAILS</p>
+
+<p>Curiously enough Henry had all the time had an
+idea about a new wife for himself called Anne, who,
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</span>he thought, looked as if she would be sure to have a
+son. So when the Divorce was all over (or nearly) he
+married her; but he was wrong about Anne, because
+she had a girl too, in a way (see <a href="#Page_57">Elizabeth</a>).</p>
+
+<p>After this Henry was afraid his reign would not be
+long enough for any more divorces, so he gave them up
+and executed his wives instead.&#x2060;<a id="FNanchor_7_7" href="#Footnote_7_7" class="fnanchor">[7]</a> He also got less interested
+in his wives and gave himself up to Diplomacy,
+spending a great deal of his time playing tennis, etc.,
+with the young King of France in a field called the
+Field of the Crock of Gold.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">END OF WOLSEY</p>
+
+<p>Cardinal Wolsey, although (as is well known) he had
+not thought to shed a tear about all this, did ultimately
+shed a memorable one. Having thus fallen from grace
+(indeed he had already been discovered entertaining
+some Papal Bulls) Wolsey determined to make a Pilgrimage
+to Leicester Abbey, saying to himself: “If I
+had served my God as I have served my King, I would
+have been a Good Thing.” Having thus acknowledged
+that he was a Bad Man, and being in due course arrived
+at the Abbey, Wolsey very pluckily expired after
+making a memorable speech to the Prior, beginning,
+“Father Abbot, I come to lay my bones among you.
+Not to praise them....”</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE MONASTERIES</p>
+
+<p>One of the strongest things that Henry VIII did
+was about the Monasteries. It was pointed out to
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</span>him that no one in the monasteries was married, as
+the Monks all thought it was still the Middle Ages.
+So Henry, who, of course, considered marrying a Good
+Thing, told Cromwell to pass a very strong Act saying
+that the Middle Ages were all over and the monasteries
+were all to be dissolved. This was called the Disillusion
+of the Monasteries.</p>
+
+
+<div class="footnotes">
+<h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a id="Footnote_7_7" href="#FNanchor_7_7" class="label">[7]</a> <span class="smcap">Note.</span>—All except Anne of Cloves, whom he had on approval
+from Belgium and sent back on discovering that she was really not
+a queen at all but a “fat mare with glanders.”</p></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XXXII">
+    CHAPTER XXXII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    EDWARD VI AND BROODY MARY
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Edward VI and Broody Mary were the two
+small Tudors who came in between the two big
+ones, Henry VIII and Elizabeth. Edward VI was only
+a boy and consequently was not allowed to have his
+reign properly, but while he was sitting on the throne
+everyone in the land was forced to become Protestant,
+so that Broody Mary would be able to put them to
+death afterwards for not being Roman Catholics. A
+good many people protested against this treatment and
+thus it was proved that they were Protestants, but
+most of the people decanted and were all right. Broody
+Mary’s reign was, however, a Bad Thing, since England
+is bound to be C. of E., so all the executions were
+wasted.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">CRAMBER AND FATIMER</p>
+
+<p>It was about this time that a memorable Dumb
+Crammer and one of Henry VIII’s wives called Fatimer,
+who had survived him, got burnt alive at Oxford,
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</span>while trying to light a candle in the Martyr’s memorial
+there: it was a new candle which they had invented
+and which they said could never be put out.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp72" id="i_057" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_057.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Her Heart</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>Shortly after this the cruel Queen died and a post-mortem
+examination revealed the word “<span class="allsmcap">CALLOUS</span>”
+engraved on her heart.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XXXIII">
+    CHAPTER XXXIII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    ELIZABETH
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Although this memorable Queen was a man,
+she was constantly addressed by her courtiers by
+various affectionate female nicknames, such as Aurora-borealis,
+Ruritania, Black Beauty (or Bête Noire) and
+Brown Bess. She also very graciously walked on Sir
+Walter Raleigh’s overcoat whenever he dropped it in
+the mud and was, in fact, in every respect a good and
+romantic Queen.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</span></p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">WAVE OF BEARDS</p>
+
+<p>One of the most romantic aspects of the Elizabethan
+age was the wave of beards which suddenly swept
+across History and settled upon all the great men of
+the period. The most memorable of these beards was
+the cause of the outstanding event of the reign, which
+occurred in the following way.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="i_058a" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_058a.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Wave of Beards</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE GREAT ARMADILLO</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp41" id="i_058b" style="max-width: 12.5em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_058b.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Spanish Mane</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>The Spaniards complained that Captain F. Drake,
+the memorable bowlsman, had singed the King of
+Spain’s beard (or Spanish Mane, as it was called) one
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</span>day when it was in Cadiz Harbour. Drake replied that
+he was in his hammock at the time and a thousand
+miles away. The King of Spain, however, insisted
+that the beard had been spoilt and sent the Great
+Spanish Armadillo to ravish the shores of England.</p>
+
+<p>The crisis was boldly faced in England, especially
+by Big Bess herself, who instantly put on an enormous
+quantity of clothing and rode to and fro on a white
+horse at Tilbury—a courageous act which was warmly
+applauded by the English sailors.</p>
+
+<p>In this striking and romantic manner the English
+were once more victorious.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE QUEEN OF HEARTS</p>
+
+<p>A great nuisance in this reign was the memorable
+Scottish queen, known as Mary Queen of Hearts on
+account of the large number of husbands which
+she obtained, e.g. Cardinale Ritzio, Boswell and the
+King of France: most of these she easily blew up at
+Holywood.</p>
+
+<p>Unfortunately for Mary, Scotland was now suddenly
+overrun by a wave of Synods led by Sir John Nox,
+the memorable Scottish Saturday Knight. Unable to
+believe, on account of the number of her husbands, that
+Mary was a single person, the Knight accused her of
+being a “monstrous regiment of women,” and after
+making this brave remark had her imprisoned in Loch
+Lomond. Mary, however, escaped and fled to England,
+where Elizabeth immediately put her in quarantine on
+the top of an enormous Height called Wutheringay.</p>
+
+<p>As Mary had already been Queen of France and
+Queen of Scotland many people thought that it would
+be unfair if she was not made Queen of England as
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</span>well. Various plots, such as the Paddington Plot, the
+Threadneedle Conspiracy and the Adelfi Plot, were
+therefore hatched to bring this about. Elizabeth,
+however, learning that in addition to all this Mary
+was good-looking and could play on the virginals,
+recognized that Mary was too romantic not to be
+executed, and accordingly had that done.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">MASSACRE OF ST. BARTHOLOMEW</p>
+
+<p>Further evidence of Queen Elizabeth’s chivalrous
+nature is given by her sympathy towards the French
+Protestants or Hugonauts (so called on account of their
+romantic leader Victor Hugo). These Arguenots were
+very much incensed at this time about St. Bartholomew,
+a young Saint, who had been unjustly massacred
+for refusing to tie a white handkerchief round his arm.
+After the massacre the French King, Henry of Navarre,
+turned Roman Catholic and made his memorable confession—“Paris
+is rather a Mess”; whereupon Queen
+Elizabeth very gallantly sent her favourite, Leicester,
+to find out whether this was true, thus rendering
+valuable assistance to the Hugonot cause.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">ELIZABETH AND ESSEX</p>
+
+<p>Memorable amongst the men with beards in Elizabeth’s
+reign was the above-mentioned favourite, Essex
+(Robert Dudleigh, Earl of Leicester), whom she brought
+to execution by mistake in the following romantic
+manner. Essex was sent to Ireland to quell a rebellion
+which the Irish were very treacherously carrying on
+in a bog in Munster. Becoming fatigued with the
+rebellion, however, he dashed out of the bog straight
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</span>into the Queen’s bedroom. For this Essex was sent
+to the Tower, where he was shortly afterwards joined
+by other favourites of the Queen (such as Burleigh,
+Sidneigh, Watneigh, Hurlingham, etc.). Essex had a
+secret arrangement with Queen Elizabeth that he was to
+give her a ring whenever he was going to be executed,
+and she would reprieve him. But although, according
+to the arrangement, he tried to get into communication
+with the Queen, he was given the wrong number and
+was thus executed after all, along with the other
+favourites.</p>
+
+<p>“God may forgive you,” was Brown Bess’s memorable
+comment to the operator, “but I never will.”</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XXXIV">
+    CHAPTER XXXIV</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    JAMES I. A TIDY KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>James I slobbered at the mouth and had favourites;
+he was thus a Bad King. He had, however, a
+very logical and tidy mind, and one of the first things
+he did was to have Sir Walter Raleigh executed for
+being left over from the previous reign. He also tried
+to straighten out the memorable confusion about the
+Picts, who, as will be remembered, were originally Irish
+living in Scotland, and the Scots, originally Picts living
+in Ireland. James tried to make things tidier by putting
+the Scots in Ulsters and planting them in Ireland,
+but the plan failed because the Picts had been lost sight
+of during the Dark Ages and were now nowhere to be
+found.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</span></p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">GUNPOWDER PLOT</p>
+
+<p>There were a great many plots and Parliaments in
+James I’s reign, and one of the Parliaments was called
+the Addled Parliament because the plots hatched in it
+were all such rotten ones. One plot, however, was by
+far the best plot in History, and the day and month of
+it (though not, of course, the year) are well known to
+be <i>utterly</i> and even maddeningly <span class="allsmcap">MEMORABLE</span>.</p>
+
+<p>The Gunpowder Plot arose in the following way:
+the King had recently invented a new table called
+<i>Avoirduroi</i>, which said:</p>
+
+
+<table class="autotable">
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">
+1 New Presbyter
+</td>
+<td class="tdl">
+=
+</td>
+<td class="tdl">
+1 <span class="smcap">Old Priest</span>.<br>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+
+<td class="tdl">
+0 Bishop
+</td>
+<td class="tdl">
+=
+</td>
+<td class="tdl">
+0 King.
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+<p>James was always repeating, “No Bishop, No King,”
+to himself, and one day a certain loyal citizen called
+Sir Guyfawkes, a very active and conscientious man,
+overheard him, and thought it was the slogan of
+James’s new policy. So he decided to carry it out at
+once and made a very loyal plan to blow up the King
+and the bishops and everybody else in Parliament
+assembled, with gunpowder.&#x2060;<a id="FNanchor_8_8" href="#Footnote_8_8" class="fnanchor">[8]</a> Although the plan
+failed, attempts are made every year on St. Guyfawkes’
+Day to remind the Parliament that it would have been
+a <i>Good Thing</i>.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">PILGRIMS’ PROGRESS</p>
+
+<p>It was at this time that some very pious Englishmen,
+known as the Early Fathers, who were being persecuted
+for not learning <i>Avoirduroi</i>, sailed away to America in
+a ship called the <i>Mayfly</i>; this is generally referred to
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</span>as the Pilgrims’ Progress and was one of the chief
+causes of America.</p>
+
+
+<div class="footnotes">
+<h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a id="Footnote_8_8" href="#FNanchor_8_8" class="label">[8]</a> Recently invented by Francis Bacon, author of Shakespeare, etc.</p></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XXXV">
+    CHAPTER XXXV</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    CHARLES I AND THE CIVIL WAR
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>With the ascension of Charles I to the throne we
+come at last to the Central Period of English
+History (not to be confused with the Middle Ages, of
+course), consisting in the <i>utterly memorable Struggle
+between the Cavaliers</i> (<i>Wrong but Wromantic</i>) <i>and the
+Roundheads</i> (<i>Right but Repulsive</i>).</p>
+
+<p>Charles I was a Cavalier King and therefore had a
+small pointed beard, long flowing curls, a large, flat,
+flowing hat and <i>gay attire</i>. The Roundheads, on the
+other hand, were clean-shaven and wore tall, conical
+hats, white ties and <i>sombre garments</i>. Under these
+circumstances a Civil War was inevitable.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp95" id="i_063" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_063.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Under these circumstances</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</span></p>
+
+<p>The Roundheads, of course, were so called because
+Cromwell had all their heads made perfectly round, in
+order that they should present a uniform appearance
+when drawn up in line.</p>
+
+<p>Besides this, if any man lost his head in action, it
+could be used as a cannon-ball by the artillery (which
+was done at the Siege of Worcester).</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp54" id="i_064" style="max-width: 12.5em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_064.jpg" alt="">
+</figure>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">COMPETITION OF RIGHT</p>
+
+<p>For a long time before the Civil War, however,
+Charles had been quarrelling with the Roundheads
+about what was right. Charles explained that there
+was a doctrine called the Divine Right of Kings, which
+said that:</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+  (<i>a</i>) He was King, and that was right.<br>
+  (<i>b</i>) Kings were divine, and that was right.<br>
+  (<i>c</i>) Kings were right, and that was right.<br>
+  (<i>d</i>) Everything was all right.
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>But so determined were the Roundheads that all
+this was all wrong that they drew up a Petition called
+the Petition of Right to show in more detail which
+things were wrong. This Petition said:</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>a</i>) That it was wrong for anyone to be put to death
+more than once for the same offence.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</span></p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>b</i>) <i>Habeas Corpus</i>, which meant that it was wrong
+if people were put in prison except for some
+reason, and that people who had been mutilated
+by the King, such as Prynne, who had often had
+his ears cut off, should always be allowed to keep
+their bodies.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>c</i>) That Charles’s memorable methods of getting
+money, such as Rummage and Scroungeage, were
+wrong.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>But the most important cause of the Civil War was</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">SHIP MONEY</p>
+
+<p>Charles I said that any money which was Ship Money
+belonged to him; but while the Roundheads declared
+that Ship Money could be found only in the Cinq Ports,
+Charles maintained that no one but the King could
+guess right which was Ship Money and which wasn’t.
+This was, of course, part of his Divine Right. The
+climax came when a villager called Hampden (memorable
+for his dauntless breast) advised the King to divine
+again.</p>
+
+<p>This so upset Charles that he went back to Westminster,
+and after cinquing several ports burst into the
+House of Commons and asked in a very royal way for
+some birds which he said were in there. The Parliament,
+who were mostly Puritans, were so shocked that
+they began making solemn Leagues and Countenances.
+Charles therefore became very angry and complaining
+that the birds had flown raised his standard at Nottingham
+and declared war against Hampden and the
+Roundheads.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</span></p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE WAR</p>
+
+<p>At first the King was successful owing to Prince
+Rupert of Hentzau, his famous cavalry leader, who
+was very dashing in all directions. After this, many
+indecisive battles were fought at such places as Newbury,
+Edgehill, Sedgehill, Newbury, Chalgrove Field,
+Newbury, etc., in all of which the Cavaliers were rather
+victorious.</p>
+
+<p>The Roundheads therefore made a new plan in order
+to win the war after all. This was called the Self-Denying
+Ordnance and said that everyone had to deny
+everything he had done up to that date, and that
+nobody was allowed to admit who he was: thus the
+war could be started again from the beginning. When
+the Roundheads had done this they were called the
+New Moral Army and were dressed up as Ironclads and
+put under the command of Oliver Cromwell, whose
+Christian name was Oliver and who was therefore
+affectionately known as “Old Nick.” Cromwell was
+not only moral and completely round in the head but
+had a large (round) wart on the nose. He was consequently
+victorious in all the remaining battles such as
+Newbury, Marston Moor, Edgehill (change for Chalgrove),
+Naseby, Newbury, etc.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">BLOOD AND IRONCLADS</p>
+
+<p>When Charles I had been defeated he was brought
+to trial by the Rump Parliament—so-called because it
+had been sitting for such a long time—and was found
+guilty of being defeated in a war against himself, which
+was, of course, a form of High Treason. He was therefore
+ordered by Cromwell to go and have his head cut
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</span>off (it was, the Roundheads pointed out, the wrong
+shape, anyway). So romantic was Charles, however,
+that this made little difference to him and it is very
+memorable that he walked and talked Half an hour
+after his Head was cut off.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp86" id="i_067" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_067.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Very memorable</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>On seeing this, Cromwell was so angry that he picked
+up the mace (the new and terrible Instrument of
+Government which he had invented) and, pointing it
+at the Head, shouted: “Take away that Marble,” and
+announced that his policy in future would be just
+Blood and Ironclads. In order to carry out this policy
+he divided the country into twelve districts and set a
+Serjeant-Major over each of them.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">RULE OF THE SERJEANT-MAJORS</p>
+
+<p>Nothing sickened the people of the rule of the Serjeant-Majors
+so much as their cruel habit of examining
+little boys <i>viva-voce</i>. For this purpose the unfortunate
+children were dressed in their most uncomfortable
+satins and placed on a stool. The Serjeant-Major
+would then ask such difficult questions as “How’s your
+Father?” or “Animal, Vegetable or Mineral?” and
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</span>those who could not answer were given a cruel medicine
+called Pride’s Purge. All this was called the Crommonwealth
+and was right but repulsive.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp57" id="i_068" style="max-width: 18.75em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_068.jpg" alt="">
+</figure>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE CROWNING MERCY</p>
+
+<p>The Roundheads at length decided to offer Cromwell
+the Crown. Cromwell, however, was unwilling and
+declared it was a Crowning Mercy when he found that
+it would not fit, having been designed for a Cavalier
+King.</p>
+
+<p>Soon after, Cromwell died of a surfeit of Pride,
+Purges, Warts and other Baubles.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XXXVI">
+    CHAPTER XXXVI</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    CHARLES II. A MERRY MONARCH
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Charles II was always very merry and was therefore
+not so much a king as a Monarch. During
+the civil war he had rendered valuable assistance to
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</span>his father’s side by hiding in all the oak-trees he could
+find. He was thus very romantic and popular and
+was able after the death of Cromwell to descend to the
+throne.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp79" id="i_069" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_069.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>A Bad Man</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>Though now no longer arboreal, Charles remained
+very much interested in natural beauty and kept a
+great number of pets at his court, including his famous
+<i>King Charles’s Spaniards</i>, the most memorable of
+whom was Catherine of Braganza; but, although
+married to Catherine, Charles was even fonder of an
+orange girl called Elinor Gwyn. He was thus a Bad
+Man.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE REFORMATION</p>
+
+<p>Charles II was famous for his wit and his inventions.
+Among the latter was an unbridled and merry way of
+behaving and writing plays, called the Reformation.
+This was a Good Thing in the end as it was one of the
+earliest causes of Queen Victoria’s determination to
+be good.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</span></p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">EXAMPLES OF CHARLES’S WIT</p>
+
+<p>Most of Charles’s witty remarks were of an <i>unbridled
+nature</i> and are therefore (fortunately) <i>not memorable</i>.</p>
+
+<p>He instituted, however, a number of witty Acts of
+Parliament. Amongst these were:</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>a</i>) The <i>Act of Indemnity and Oblivion</i>, which said
+that everyone had to pay an indemnity to the
+King and then forget that he had paid it.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>b</i>) The <i>Act of Uniformity</i>, which said that everyone
+had to be the same as everyone else.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>c</i>) The <i>Five Mile Act</i>, which said that no schoolmasters
+or clergymen were to go within five
+miles of each other. (This was, obviously, a
+Good Thing.)</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>d</i>) The <i>Corporation Act</i>, which said that everyone
+had to be as fat as possible (except Nell Glyn).</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>After each of these Charles became merrier still and
+though some of them, particularly the Corporation Act,
+were considered rather unfair, he made up by passing
+a new Habeas Corpus Act which said that <i>all</i> the people
+might keep their bodies, and thus everyone was contented.
+Later, Charles became even merrier and made
+a <i>Declaration of Indulgence</i> saying that people could do
+anything they liked and a <i>Test Act</i> was passed soon
+after to see if they had done it (and, if so, what).</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">ADMIRAL DE TROP IN THE CHANNEL (REUTER)</p>
+
+<p>It was at this period that the Navigation Acts were
+first made by the English. These Acts pointed out
+to the other countries that no foreign ships knew how
+to navigate the seas, and that their only chance was to
+steer for English ports. Although this was really part
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</span>of the Rule Britannia (see <a href="#CHAPTER_VI">Chap. VI</a>, Freedom of the
+Seas), it caused some wars against the Dutch who were
+treacherously attempting to be top nation on the sea
+at that time. For a short while the Dutch ships were
+successful under their memorable Admiral, Van Broom,
+who is famous for blowing his own Trompet up the
+Medway until the sound was heard in the streets of
+London. The war, however, soon came to an end,
+since the Dutch are quite small and can never be top
+nation really.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">QUAKER OATES</p>
+
+<p>A great deal of excitement was caused in this reign
+by Titus Oates, the memorable Quaker, who said that
+a Roman Catholic plot had been made with the objects
+(<i>a</i>) of murdering the King, (<i>b</i>) of blowing up the people,
+(<i>c</i>) of restoring the Roman Catholic religion instead.</p>
+
+<p>These would probably have been a Bad Thing, if
+they had been achieved, and the King was so enraged
+that he immediately introduced a <i>Disabling Act</i> which
+said that everyone except the heir to the throne was
+to be disabled. Later when he had relented, he had
+another <i>Habeas Corpus Act</i> passed, saying that the
+disabled people might keep their bodies.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">TWO GOOD THINGS</p>
+
+<p>During Charles II’s reign the Great Plague happened
+in London. This was caused by some rats which had
+left a sinking ship on its way from China, and was
+very fortunate for the Londoners, since there were too
+many people in London at the time, so that they were
+always in bad health.</p>
+
+<p>In the following year, therefore, London was set on
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</span>fire in case anyone should have been left over from the
+Plague, and St. Paul’s Cathedral was built instead.
+This was also a Good Thing and was the cause of Sir
+Christopher Wren, the memorable architect.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">PEPYS</p>
+
+<p>Among the famous characters of the period were
+Samuel Pepys, who is memorable for keeping a Dairy
+and going to bed a great deal, and his wife Evelyn,
+who kept another memorable Dairy, but did not go
+to bed in it.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XXXVII">
+    CHAPTER XXXVII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    JAMES II. A MADDENING KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Although a Good Man, James II was a Bad
+King and behaved in such an irritating and
+arbitrary way that by the end of his reign the people
+had all gone mad.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">JUDGE JEFFREYS</p>
+
+<p>One of the first things that happened was a rebellion
+by Monmouth, an indiscriminate son of Charles II who,
+landing incorrectly in Somerset, was easily defeated at
+Newbury, Sedgehill, Marston Moor, Newbury, etc. (see
+<a href="#Page_63">Civil War</a>). The Rebels were ferociously dealt with
+by the memorable Judge Jeffreys who was sent out
+by James as a Justice in Ire in the West, where he
+made some furious remarks about the prisoners,
+known as “The Bloody Asides.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</span></p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp78" id="i_073" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_073.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Bloody Asides</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">MADNESSES OF JAMES II</p>
+
+<p>James II further enraged his subjects by</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>a</i>) attempting to repeal the Habeas Corpus Act,
+saying that nobody might have a body after all,
+and</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>b</i>) claiming the Dispensing Power which was a threat
+to revive Pride’s Purge and do the dispensing of
+it himself;</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>c</i>) suspending (probably a modified form of hanging)
+the Vice-Chancellor at Cambridge, who was
+apparently mad too, for refusing to have a
+Benedictine.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">ENGLAND’S ANSWER</p>
+
+<p>The final and irreparable madness of the people was
+brought on by James’s action in bringing to trial Seven
+Bishops (Bancroft, Sancroft and Sacheveral others) for
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</span>refusing to read Charles II’s Declaration of Indulgence
+(which they thought would be dangerous under the
+circumstances), and when in addition it became known
+that James had confined his infant son and heir in a
+warming-pan the people lost control of themselves
+altogether and, lighting an enormous number of
+candles, declared that <i>the answer was an Orange</i>.
+James was thus compelled to abdicate.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XXXVIII">
+    CHAPTER XXXVIII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    WILLIAMANMARY. ENGLAND RULED BY AN ORANGE
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Williamanmary for some reason was known
+as The Orange in their own country of Holland,
+and were popular as King of England because the
+people naturally believed it was descended from Nell
+Glyn. It was on the whole a good King and one of
+their first Acts was the Toleration Act, which said they
+would tolerate anything, though afterwards it went
+back on this and decided that they could not tolerate
+the Scots.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp84" id="i_074" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_074.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>The Answer</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</span></p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">A DARIEN SCHEME</p>
+
+<p>The Scots were now in a skirling uproar because
+James II was the last of the Scottish Kings and England
+was under the rule of the Dutch Orange; it was
+therefore decided to put them in charge of a very fat
+man called Cortez and transport them to a Peak in
+Darien, where it was hoped they would be more silent.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">MASSACRE OF GLASCOE</p>
+
+<p>The Scots, however, continued to squirl and hoot at
+the Orange, and a rebellion was raised by the memorable
+Viscount Slaughterhouse (the Bonnie Dundee) and
+his Gallivanting Army. Finally Slaughterhouse was
+defeated at the Pass of Ghilliekrankie and the Scots
+were all massacred at Glascoe, near Edinburgh (in
+Scotland, where the Scots were living at that time);
+after which they were forbidden to curl or hoot or even
+to wear the Kilt. (This was a Good Thing, as the Kilt
+was one of the causes of their being so uproarious and
+Scotch.)</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">BLOOD-ORANGEMEN</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile the Orange increased its popularity and
+showed themselves to be a very strong King by its
+ingenious answer to the Irish Question; this consisted
+in the Battle of the Boyne and a very strong treaty
+which followed it, stating</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>a</i>) that all the Irish Roman Catholics who liked
+could be transported to France,</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>b</i>) that all the rest who liked could be put to the
+sword,</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>c</i>) that Northern Ireland should be planted with
+Blood-Orangemen.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</span></p>
+
+<p>These Blood-Orangemen are still there; they are, of
+course, all descendants of Nell Glyn and are extremely
+fierce and industrial and so loyal that they are always
+ready to start a loyal rebellion to the Glory of God and
+the Orange. All of which shows that the Orange was
+a Good Thing, as well as being a good King.</p>
+
+<p>After the Treaty the Irish who remained were made
+to go and live in a bog and think of a New Question.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE BANK OF ENGLAND</p>
+
+<p>It was Williamanmary who first discovered the
+National Debt and had the memorable idea of building
+the Bank of England to put it in. The National Debt
+is a very Good Thing and it would be dangerous to pay
+it off, for fear of Political Economy.</p>
+
+<p>Finally the Orange was killed by a mole while out
+riding and was succeeded by the memorable dead
+queen, Anne.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">TEST PAPER IV</p>
+
+<p class="ph3"><span class="smcap">Up to the End of the Stuarts</span></p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>1. Stigmatize cursorily (<i>a</i>) Queen Mary, (<i>b</i>) Judge
+Jeffreys’s asides. (Speak out.)</p>
+
+<p>2. Outline joyfully (1) Henry VIII, (2) Stout Cortez.</p>
+
+<p>3. Who had what written on whose what?</p>
+
+<p>4<span class="allsmcap">A</span>. What convinces you that Henry VIII had VIII
+wives? Was it worth it?</p>
+
+<p>4<span class="allsmcap">B</span>. Conjugate briefly Ritzio and Mary Queen of Scots.</p>
+
+<p>5. In what ways was Queen Elizabeth a Bad Man but a
+Good Queen?</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">6. “To the exercise of Despotic Monarchy the Crown is
+more essential than the Throne.” (Refute with
+special reference to anything you know.)</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</span></p>
+
+<p>7<span class="allsmcap">A</span>. Which do you consider was the stronger swimmer,
+(<i>a</i>) The Spanish Armadillo, (<i>b</i>) The Great Seal?</p>
+
+<p>7<span class="allsmcap">B</span>. Who was in whose what, and how many miles awhat?</p>
+
+<p>7<span class="allsmcap">C</span>. Cap’n, art thou sleeping there below?&#x2060;<a id="FNanchor_9_9" href="#Footnote_9_9" class="fnanchor">[9]</a></p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">8. Deplore the failure of the Gunpowder Plot, stating the
+day and month (but not, of course, the year) usually
+assigned to it.</p>
+
+<p>9. Examine the state of mind of</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>(1) Charles I, half an hour after his head was cut off.<br>
+(2) Charles II, half a moment after first sighting Nell
+Gwyn.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>10. Why on earth was William of Orange? (Seriously,
+though.)</p>
+
+<p>11. How can you be so numb and vague about Arabella
+Stuart?</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent2">12. Estimate the medical prowess of the period with
+clinical reference to (<i>a</i>) Pride’s Purge, (<i>b</i>) The Diet
+of Worms, (<i>c</i>) The Topic of Capricorns.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+
+<div class="footnotes">
+<h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a id="Footnote_9_9" href="#FNanchor_9_9" class="label">[9]</a> N.B.—Do not attempt to answer this question.</p></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XXXIX">
+    CHAPTER XXXIX</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    ANNE. A DEAD QUEEN
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Queen Anne was considered rather a remarkable
+woman and hence was usually referred to as
+Great Anna, or Annus Mirabilis. Besides being dead
+she was extremely kind-hearted and had a very soothing
+Act passed called the <i>Occasional Conformity Act</i>
+which said that people only had to conform with it
+occasionally: this pleasant trait in her character was
+called Queen Anne’s Bounty. (The Occasional Conformity
+Act was the only Act of its kind in History,
+until the Speed limit was invented.)</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</span></p>
+
+<p>The Queen had many favourites (all women), the
+most memorable of whom were Sarah Jenkins and Mrs.
+Smashems, who were the first Wig and the first Tory.
+Sarah Jenkins was really the wife of the Duke of
+Marlborough, the famous General, inventor of the
+Ramillies Whig, of which Sarah wore the first example.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">SUCCESSION OF WARS</p>
+
+<p>All through the XVIIIth Century there was a Succession
+of Wars, and in Queen Anne’s reign these were
+called the Spanish Succession (or Austrian Succession)
+because of The Infanta (or The Mariatheresa); they
+were fought mainly on account of the French King
+L/XIV (le grand Monomarque) saying there were <i>no
+more Pyrenese</i>, thus infuriating the Infanta who was
+one herself.</p>
+
+<p>Probably the Wars could never have been fought
+properly but for the genius of Marlborough, who could
+always remember which side the Bavarians and the
+Elector Pantomime of the Rhine were supposed to be
+on: this unique talent enabled him to defeat his
+enemies in fierce battles long before they could discover
+which side he himself was on. Marlborough, however,
+was a miser in politics and made everyone pay to go
+into his party; he was therefore despised as a <i>turnstyle</i>.</p>
+
+<p>In this reign also occurred the memorable Port Wine
+Treaty with Portugal, directed against Decanters (as
+the Non-Conformists were now called), as well as a
+very clever Act called the Schism Act which said that
+everybody’s religion was to be quite different from
+everybody else’s. Meanwhile the Whigs being the first
+to realize that the Queen had been dead all the time
+chose George I as King.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</span></p>
+
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XL">
+    CHAPTER XL</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    THE XV AND THE XLV
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Although the Whigs said that George I was
+King, many of the Tories thought that the Old
+Pretender was. The Old Pretender did not raise the
+standard of rebellion much and is only famous for
+being late for his own Rebellion, which had been easily
+put down long before he landed with his memorable
+XV in Scotland. His standard was of blue silk with
+the motto “Nemo me impune lacessit,” but when
+it was raised the top fell off.</p>
+
+<p>The Young Pretender, whose followers were called
+the XLV, was quite different, his standard being of
+red silk with the motto “Tandem Triumphans,” and
+the top didn’t fall off. At Preston Pans the English
+commander was the first to run away and bring the
+news of his own defeat, which was thus immediately
+believed. The hero of these adventures was the
+memorable Bonnie Prince Charlie (the Young Chandelier),
+who after being bloodily defeated by a Butcher
+at Flodden in Cumberland, was helped to escape by
+his many Scottish lovers, such as Flora MacNightingale
+(the fair maid of Perth), Amy Robsart, Lorna Doone,
+Annie Laurie, the Widow with Thumbs, etc.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE SOUTHSEA BUBBLE</p>
+
+<p>About this time nearly everybody in London stupidly
+got involved in an enormous bubble that appeared at
+Southsea. Some were persuaded that it would be a
+Good Thing if all the money in the country, including
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</span>the National Debt, were sunk in it; others got into it
+merely with the object of speculating how soon it
+would be before it burst. Among these was a very
+clever man called Walpole who got out of the bubble
+in time, thus bursting it and becoming the first Prime
+Minister. Walpole was a Good Prime Minister: the
+Southsea bubble was thus a Good Thing.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">“LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE” (WALPOLE)</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp75" id="i_080" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_080.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Policy</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>Walpole ought never to be confused with Walpole,
+who was quite different; it was Walpole who lived in
+a house with the unusual name of Strawberry Jam and
+spent his time writing letters to famous men (such as
+the Prime Minister, Walpole, etc.). Walpole is memorable
+for inventing the new policy of letting dogs go to
+sleep. This was a Good Thing really, but it so enraged
+the people (who thought that a dog’s life should be
+more uncomfortable) that they rang all the bells in
+London. At first Walpole merely muttered his policy,
+but eventually he was compelled to rouse himself and
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</span>become actively memorable by remarking: “They
+are ringing the bells now; I shall be wringing their
+necks soon.”</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XLI">
+    CHAPTER XLI</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    RULES OF WARS IN THE XVIIITH CENTURY
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Although the Succession of Wars went on nearly
+the whole time in the XVIIIth Century, the
+countries kept on making a treaty called the Treaty of
+Paris (or Utrecht).</p>
+
+<p>This Treaty was a Good Thing and laid down the
+Rules for fighting the wars; these were:—</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(1) that there should be a mutual restitution of
+conquests except that England should keep
+Gibraltar, Malta, Minorca, Canada, India, etc.;</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(2) that France should hand over to England the
+West Indian islands of San Flamingo, Tapioca,
+Sago, Dago, Bezique and Contango, while the
+Dutch were always to have Lumbago and the
+Laxative Islands;</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(3) that everyone, however Infantile or even insane,
+should renounce all claim to the Spanish throne;</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(4) that the King (or Queen) of France should admit
+that the King (or Queen) of England was King
+(or Queen) of England and should not harbour
+the Young Pretender, but that <i>the fortifications
+of Dunkirk should be disgruntled and raised to the
+ground</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</span></p>
+
+<p>Thus, as soon as the fortifications of Dunkirk had
+been gruntled again, or the Young Pretender was
+found in a harbour in France, or it was discovered
+that the Dutch had not got Lumbago, etc., the countries
+knew that it was time for the treaty to be signed again,
+so that the War could continue in an orderly manner.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XLII">
+    CHAPTER XLII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    GEORGE III. AN OBSTINATE KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>George III was a Bad King. He was, however,
+to a great extent insane and a Good Man and his
+ministers were always called Pitt. The Pitts, like
+Pretenders, generally came in waves of about two, an
+elder Pitt and a younger Pitt.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">BRITAIN MUFFLES THROUGH</p>
+
+<p>The elder Pitt (Clapham) at this time had the rather
+strategic idea of conquering Canada on the banks of
+the Elbe; learning, however, that it was not there, he
+told the famous poetic general, Wolfe, to conquer
+Quebec instead. At first Wolfe complained that he
+would rather write Gray’s Elegy, but on being told
+that it had been written already (by Gray) he agreed
+to take Quebec.</p>
+
+<p>Quebec was very difficult to approach; Wolfe
+therefore rowed up the St. Laurence with muffled
+drums and ordered his Highland troops to skirl up
+the perpendicular Heights of Abraham with muffled
+boots, hoots, etc., thus taking the French by surprise.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</span></p>
+
+<p>At this engagement the French had a very peculiar
+general with the unusual French name of Keep-calm.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp58" id="i_083a" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_083a.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Wave of Pitts</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>On receiving a muffled report to the effect that
+Wolfe’s men had captured Quebec, one of his aides-de-calm
+called out: “See! They fly!” “Who fly?”
+asked the General, and, on being assured that it was
+his own men who were flying, “Thank God!” said
+Keep-calm, with a sigh of satisfaction: “Now, I can
+fly in peace!”</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp91" id="i_083b" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_083b.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Britain muffles through</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</span></p>
+
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XLIII">
+    CHAPTER XLIII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    INDIA
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>It was in the 18th Century that Indian History
+started. Indian History is a great number of
+wars in which the English fought victoriously against
+the Waratah Confederacy and various kinds of potentates
+called Sahibs, Wallahs, Jahs, Rajahs, Hurrahjahs,
+Mahurrahjahs, Jhams and Jhelhies. Most memorable
+amongst these were the terrible Napoo Sahib, the
+Maharatta of Pshaw, the Chandra Gaff and the Taj
+Mahal.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">CRESSEY AND THE BLACK WHOLE</p>
+
+<p>Many of these victories were due to an Englishman
+named Robert Clive, a typist in the East India Coy.
+Ltd., who, after failing to commit suicide three times,
+made the famous raid on Arcos in conjunction with
+Jicks Pasha, and held it against all comers.</p>
+
+<p>Clive then marched to Calcutta and with a Mir
+Jafar (or handful) of men defeated all the Indians in
+the utterly memorable battle of Cressey.</p>
+
+<p>This battle was Clive’s revenge on the Black Whole
+of Calcutta and especially on that destructive All-Black
+Waratah, the Napoo Sahib.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE DOLDRUMS OF OUDH</p>
+
+<p>Second in importance only to Clive was Laurence
+Hastings, well known for his rapacity towards the
+natives. Besides his treatment of Lo (a poor Indian
+with an untutored mind) recorded by the poet Poep,
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</span>he very harshly extracted money from the Doldrums
+of Oudh, two old women without any teeth. For this
+he was impaled before the House of Commons, and
+after being cross-examined by Burke and Hare for
+seven and a half years, was finally acquitted and
+became Viscount Senlac of Oudh.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XLIV">
+    CHAPTER XLIV</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    THE BOSTON TEA-PARTY
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>One day when George III was insane he heard that
+the Americans never had afternoon tea. This
+made him very obstinate and he invited them all to
+a compulsory tea-party at Boston; the Americans,
+however, started by pouring the tea into Boston Harbour
+and went on pouring things into Boston Harbour
+until they were quite Independent, thus causing the
+United States. These were also partly caused by Dick
+Washington who defeated the English at Bunker’s Hill
+(“with his little mashie,” as he told his father afterwards).</p>
+
+<p>The War with the Americans is memorable as being
+the only war in which the English were ever defeated,
+and it was unfair because the Americans had <i>the Allies</i>
+on their side. In some ways the war was really a
+draw, since England remained top nation and had the
+Allies afterwards, while the Americans, in memory of
+George III’s madness, still refuse to drink tea and go on
+pouring anything the English send them to drink into
+Boston Harbour.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</span></p>
+
+<p>After this the Americans made Wittington President
+and gave up speaking English and became U.S.A. and
+Columbia and 100%, etc. This was a Good Thing in
+the end, as it was a cause of the British Empire, but
+it prevented America from having any more History.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp45" id="i_086" style="max-width: 18.75em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_086.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>100%, etc.</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XLV">
+    CHAPTER XLV</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    THE FRENCH REVOLUTION
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Soon after America had ceased to be memorable,
+the French Revolution broke out (in France).
+This, like all other Revolutions, was chiefly due to
+Liberty, Fraternity, Equality, etc., but also to the
+writings of Madame Tousseau, the French King’s
+mistress, who believed in everyone returning to a state
+of nature and was therefore known as <i>la belle sauvage</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</span></p>
+
+<p>The French Revolution is very interesting and
+romantic; quite near the beginning of it Dante and
+Robespear, the revolutionary leaders (or <i>Jacobites</i> as
+they were called), met in the beautiful and historic
+Chamber of Horrors at Versailles and decided to
+massacre everyone in September. This was called the
+<i>Glorious First of June</i> and was done in accordance with
+a new <i>National Convention</i>. Memorable amongst those
+who were massacred were Robespear himself, who was
+executed in his own gelatine, and Marat, who was
+murdered in his bath by Madame Tousseau.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XLVI">
+    CHAPTER XLVI</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    NAPOLEON
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>The English were disgusted by this new French
+Convention and so decided to go in for The War
+again, thus causing Nelson and the Duke of Wellington.
+The War was now called the Napoleonic War, after
+Napoleon, a Corsican, whose real name was Bonuapart,
+and who had cleverly made himself First Consort by
+means of a <i>whiff of grape-nuts</i>. (This is called the
+Napoleonic Legend.)</p>
+
+<p>The French Revolution caused great loss of life,
+liberty, fraternity, etc., and was, of course, a Good
+Thing, since the French were rather degenerate at the
+time; but Napoleon now invented a new Convention
+that the French should massacre all the other nations
+and become top nation, and this, though quite generate,
+was a Bad Thing.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</span></p>
+
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XLVII">
+    CHAPTER XLVII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    NELSON
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Napoleon ought never to be confused with
+Nelson, in spite of their hats being so alike;
+they can most easily be distinguished from one another
+by the fact that Nelson always stood with his arm <i>like
+this</i>, while Napoleon always stood with his arms <i>like
+that</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Nelson was one of England’s most naval officers,
+and despised weak commands. At one battle when he
+was told that his Admiral-in-Chief had ordered him to
+cease fire, he put the telephone under his blind arm
+and exclaimed in disgust: “Kiss me, Hardy!”</p>
+
+<p>By this and other intrepid manœuvres the French
+were utterly driven from the seas.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">PITT AND FOX</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile at home the War was being helped on a
+good deal by the famous remarks of the politicians,
+such as Pitt and Fox. On one occasion Fox said in
+the House of Commons that the French Revolution
+was a Good Thing; whereupon the younger Pitt
+(Balham) rose slowly to his feet and, pointing at Fox,
+exclaimed: “Roll up that chap: he will not be wanted
+these ten years.” Having thus made his most memorable
+saying, Pitt was carried out of the House and died
+almost immediately of a surfeit of austerlitz. The plans
+of Napoleon were thus gradually thwarted.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</span></p>
+
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XLVIII">
+    CHAPTER XLVIII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    WELLINGTON
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>But the most important of the great men who at
+this time kept Britain top nation was an Irishman
+called John Wesley, who afterwards became the Duke
+of Wellington (and thus English). When he was still
+Wolseley, Wellington made a great name for himself at
+Plassaye, in India, where he</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>“Fought with his fiery few and one,”</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>remarking afterwards, “It was the bloodiest battle
+for numbers I ever knew.” It was, however, against
+Napoleon and his famous Marshals (such as Marshals
+Ney, Soult, Davos, Mürren, Soult, Blériot, Snelgrove,
+Ney, etc.) that Wellington became most memorable.
+Napoleon’s armies always used to march on their
+stomachs, shouting: “Vive l’Intérieur!” and so
+moved about very slowly (<i>ventre-à-terre</i>, as the French
+say), thus enabling Wellington to catch them up and
+defeat them. When Napoleon made his troops march
+all the way to Moscow on their stomachs they got
+frozen to death one by one, and even Napoleon himself
+admitted afterwards that it was rather a Bad Thing.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="i_089" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_089.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>To march on their Stomachs</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</span></p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">GORILLA WAR IN SPAIN</p>
+
+<p>The second part of the Napoleonic War was fought
+in Spain and Portugal and was called the Gorilla War
+on account of the primitive Spanish method of fighting.
+Wellington became so impatient with the slow movements
+of the French troops that he occupied himself
+drawing imaginary lines all over Portugal and thus
+marking off the fighting zone; he made a rule that
+defeats beyond these lines did not count, while any
+French army that came his side of them was out of
+bounds. Having thus insured himself against disaster,
+Wellington won startling victories at Devalera, Albumina,
+Salamanda, etc.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp94" id="i_090" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_090.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Gorilla Warfare</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">WATERLOO</p>
+
+<p>After losing this war Napoleon was sent away by the
+French, since he had not succeeded in making them top
+nation; but he soon escaped and returned just in time
+to fight on the French side at the battle of Waterloo.
+This utterly memorable battle was fought at the end
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</span>of a dance, on the Playing Fields of Eton, and resulted
+in the English definitely becoming top nation. It was
+thus a very Good Thing. During the engagement the
+French came on in their usual creeping and crawling
+method and were defeated by Wellington’s memorable
+order, “Up Jenkins and Smashems.”</p>
+
+<p>This time Napoleon was sent right away for ever by
+everybody, and stood on the deck of a ship in white
+breeches with his arms <i>like that</i>.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_XLIX">
+    CHAPTER XLIX</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    THE INDUSTRIAL REVELATION
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>During these Wars many very remarkable discoveries
+and inventions were made. Most memorable
+among these was the discovery (made by all the
+rich men in England at once) that women and children
+could work for 25 hours a day in factories without many
+of them dying or becoming excessively deformed.
+This was known as the Industrial Revelation and completely
+changed the faces of the North of England.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE TRACTARIAN MOVEMENT</p>
+
+<p>The Industrial Revelation would never have occurred
+but for the wave of great mechanical Inventors, e.g.
+Arkwright, who invented the Spinning Jenny, or
+unmarried textile working girl; subsequently, however,
+this kind of work was done by mules, the discovery
+of a man called Crompton. Other benefactors were Sir
+Isaak Watts who invented steam-kettles, Sir Robert
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</span>Boyle who had them legalized,&#x2060;<a id="FNanchor_10_10" href="#Footnote_10_10" class="fnanchor">[10]</a> and finally Robert
+Louis Stevenson, who put wheels on to them, thereby
+inventing Railway trains, steam-rollers and other
+tractarian engines.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp36" id="i_092" style="max-width: 12.5em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_092.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Mr. Arkwright’s Invention</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">FACTORY ACTS</p>
+
+<p>The new situation created by the Industrial Revelation
+was boldly met by the statesmen of the day with
+a wave of Acts, such as Tory Acts, Factory Acts, Satisfactory
+Acts and Unsatisfactory Acts. The most
+soothing of these enacted that children under 5 years
+of age who worked all day in factories should have
+meals (at night). This was a Good Thing, as it enabled
+them to work much faster.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">ENCLOSURES</p>
+
+<p>At the same time there was an Agricultural Revelation
+which was caused by the invention of turnips and
+the discovery that Trespassers would be Prosecuted.
+This was a Good Thing too, because previously the
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</span>Land had all been rather common, and it was called
+the Enclosure movement and was the origin of Keeping
+off the Grass. The movement culminated in the vast
+Royal Enclosure at Ascot which nobody is allowed on
+except His Majesty the King (and friend).</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE COMBINATIONS LAW</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp65" id="i_093" style="max-width: 18.75em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_093.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Combinations Law</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>All this gave rise to considerable discontent, but it
+was not until the memorable Combinations Law was
+passed that the people were roused to fury. This
+unjust law said that Combinations (or Union suits)
+were legal, or (in some cases) illegal, both for employers
+and employees, and resulted in the</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">BLANKESTER MASSACRE</p>
+
+<p>Gradually the people had become so discontented
+with the Combinations Law that they had begun
+wearing Blankets, especially in the North of England;
+this was, of course, sedition, and resulted in a battle
+near Manchester, in which all the people in blankets
+were accidentally massacred.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</span></p>
+
+<p>The Government then very cleverly passed the
+famous Six Acts, all of which said that it was quite all
+right for people in blankets to be massacred. Since
+which the people in the North have ceased to be
+seditious, and even wear bowler hats for lunch,
+bathing, etc.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">MUNROE DOCTRINE</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile in foreign affairs, Canning, the memorable
+foreign minister, started a new anti-English or Liberal
+policy by saying that he had “called the New World
+into existence to upset the Balance of the Old.” This
+was known as the Munroe Doctrine and proves that it
+is wrong for anyone to have wars in North or South
+America (except the United States Marines).</p>
+
+
+<div class="footnotes">
+<h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a id="Footnote_10_10" href="#FNanchor_10_10" class="label">[10]</a> Boyle’s Law: (“Watts pots never boyle”).</p></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_L">
+    CHAPTER L</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    GEORGE IV. A GENTLEMAN KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>During these disturbances George III had died
+and had been succeeded by his son, George IV,
+who was the Prince Regent and an Inventor and very
+Bad. George IV’s most memorable invention was
+Gentlemen and he was the First Gentleman in Europe:</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">EXAMPLES OF GEORGE IV’S BADNESS
+AND GENTLEMANLINESS</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>1. He was very fat.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">2. He was a friend of Beau Brocade, the memorable
+Dandy Dinmont or man-about-town of those
+days.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</span></p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">3. He was a member of White’s and many other
+notorious Knight clubs.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">4. He was hostile to his wife and attempted to give
+her pains by means of an Act of Parliament.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">DEATH OF GEORGE IV</p>
+
+<p>Besides gentlemen, George IV had invented Regent
+Street, the Regent Canal, etc., before he came to the
+throne, and afterwards he invented the Brighton
+Marine Aquarium. He was thus a Bad Thing. Finally
+he died of a surfeit of Aquaria, Pavilia, Gentlemen, etc.,
+probably at Brighton.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_LI">
+    CHAPTER LI</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    WILLIAM IV. A SAILOR KING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>The marine tendency of George IV was inherited
+by his brother William IV, who was known as
+the Sailor King on account of his readiness to create
+any number of piers at moments of political crisis.
+Apart from this, however, William IV would not have
+succeeded in being memorable at all except for his
+awkward and uncalled-for irruption into the Georgian
+succession.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">ROTTEN BURROWS</p>
+
+<p>During this reign the Great Reform Bill was passed
+on account of the Rotten Burrows: this was because
+the Old Landlords said that new places like Manchester
+were rotten burrows and shouldn’t have votes. A great
+deal of confusion was caused by these rotten burrows
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</span>which were undermining the Constitution, but eventually
+Lord Grey invented the Great Reform Bill which
+laid down clearly who had votes and who hadn’t.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">REFORM BILL</p>
+
+<p>This Bill had two important clauses, which said:</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(1) that some of the Burrows were rotten and that
+the people who lived in them should not be
+allowed either to stand or to have seats.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(2) that “householders leaseholders and copyholders
+who had £10 in the towns or freeholders who
+paid 40/- in the country for 10 years or leaseholders
+(in the country) and copyholders for
+21 years in the towns (paying a rent of £50)
+should in some cases (in the towns) have a vote
+(for 1 year) but in others for 41 years (in the
+country) paying a leasehold or copyhold of £10
+should not.”</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>When this unforgettable Law was made known there
+was great rejoicing and bonfires were lit all over the
+country.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">LATER REFORM BILLS</p>
+
+<p>Later in the century, other Reform Bills were passed,
+such as Gladstone’s Reform Bill which added householders
+(in the country) for one year to freeholders and
+kettleholders worth £10 a year, and gave a vote to
+anyone who lived in lodgings (for 21 years) or spent
+£10 in the Post Office. And there was also Disraeli’s
+Reform Bill, which gave the vote to any lodger who
+paid £10 and lodged in the same lodgings for one year.
+This, however, was naturally thought very rash and
+was quite rightly characterized by the penetrating
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</span>Lord Salisbury, in a brilliant phrase, as “A Sleep in
+the Dark.” The Reform Bills were a Good Thing
+except for a few Old Landlords who were deprived
+of their seats. Nowadays Flappers are allowed to
+vote and men have to put up with this even if they
+live in the same lodgings all their lives. This is a Bad
+Thing and is called Manhold Suffrage.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_LII">
+    CHAPTER LII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    QUEEN VICTORIA. A GOOD QUEEN
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>On the death of William IV, Queen Victoria, though
+asleep at the time and thus in her nightdress,
+showed great devotion to duty by immediately ascending
+the throne. In this bold act she was assisted by
+Lord Melbourne and the Archbishop of Canterbury,
+who were both properly dressed.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp45" id="i_097" style="max-width: 18.75em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_097.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Good ... <i>but
+    not amused</i></p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>Finding herself on the throne, Queen Victoria immediately
+announced her intention of being Good and plural
+<i>but not amused</i>. This challenge was joyfully accepted
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</span>by her subjects, and throughout her protracted reign
+<i>loyal and indefatigable attempts to amuse her</i> were made
+by Her Majesty’s eminently Victorian ministers and
+generals.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">ATTEMPTS TO AMUSE QUEEN VICTORIA</p>
+
+<p>One of the first of these attempts was Lord Melbourne’s
+memorable political rule that it did not matter
+what the Cabinet said so long as they all answered at
+once. This he called the Collective Responsibility of
+the Cabinet; the Queen, however, was not amused.</p>
+
+<p>Next, Mr. Rowland Hill invented penny stamps.
+The Queen, however, without hesitation Knighted him.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp82" id="i_098" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_098.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>To abandon all thoughts of levity—</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p>The loyal task therefore devolved on a more active
+group of men called the Chartists who nearly succeeded
+by drawing an enormous Chart showing the position
+of affairs and signing it with imaginary names. This
+resulted in a succession of riots amongst the imaginary
+people, and necessitated the passing of the memorable
+Poor Law which laid down that everybody in the
+country was poor (except the rich).</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</span></p>
+
+<p>These endeavours having failed, the Queen was
+allowed to abandon for the time being all thoughts of
+levity and to marry her beautiful cousin (the memorable
+Prince Consaught), a Good German whom she
+had met during the great International Expedition to
+Hyde Park.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">SIR ROBERT REPEEL. POTATO DUTIES IN IRELAND</p>
+
+<p>About this time the famous Tory statesman, Sir
+Robert Repeel, noticed that the Irish had had nothing
+to eat for some years owing to the fact that the potatoes,
+which it was their Duty to eat, had all gone bad.</p>
+
+<p>The Tory Government were for long divided between
+two policies, one section insisting that the Irish ought
+to eat the potatoes, the other insisting that they need
+not.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Robert, however, boldly passed his famous Corn
+Laws which abolished the Duty and permitted the
+Irish to eat bread, thus dissociating himself from the
+Tories who doggedly maintained that the Irish had
+only two alternatives: (<i>a</i>) to eat the potatoes, and
+(<i>b</i>) not to. Sir Robert, having thus destroyed his own
+Party, bethought himself of The Queen and invented
+Policemen. Her Majesty, however,...</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_LIII">
+    CHAPTER LIII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    CRIMEAN WAR
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Not very long after this the memorable Crimean
+War broke out against the Russians. This war
+was exceptionally inevitable and was caused by a
+number of causes.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</span></p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">CAUSES OF THE CRIMEAN WAR</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>a</i>) The English had not yet fought against the
+Russians.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>b</i>) The <i>Sick Man of Europe</i> (cured later by Florence
+Nightingown).</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>c</i>) Russia was too big and was pointing in the
+direction of India.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>d</i>) The <i>Holy Places</i>. <i>The French</i> thought that
+the <i>Holy Places</i> ought to be guarded (probably
+against the <i>Americans</i>) by <i>Latin Monks</i>, while
+<i>the Turks</i>, who owned the Places, thought that
+they ought to be guarded by <i>Greek Monks</i>.
+<i>England</i> therefore quite rightly declared war on
+<i>Russia</i>, who immediately occupied <i>Roumania</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>The war was consequently fought in <i>the Crimea</i> (near
+<i>Persia</i>) in the following romantic manner:</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">1. <i>The Battle of Inkerman</i>—so called because the
+soldiers on both sides fought in the dark as well
+as the Generals: the English were, naturally,
+victorious.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">2. <i>The Siege of Sir Pastobol</i> (the memorable Russian
+General) who was quite besieged, and the English
+were very victorious.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">3. <i>The Battle of Balaclava</i>, famous for the Charge
+of the Fire Brigade by Lord Tennyson and 599
+other gallant men who, armed with Cardigans
+and Balaclava helmets, advanced for a league
+and a half (4½ miles), and back (9 miles), with
+the object of proving that someone had thundered
+the wrong order. (In which they were
+completely successful.)</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</span></p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">4. <i>Flora MacNightshade.</i> The troops in the Crimea
+suffered terribly from their Cardigans and Balaclava
+helmets and from a new kind of overcoat
+invented by Lord Raglan, the Commander-in-Chief.
+They were also only allowed to wear
+boots on their left feet until the memorable
+intervention of Flora MacNightlight (the Lady
+with the Deadly Lampshade), who gave them
+boots for their right feet and other comforts, and
+cured them of their sufferings every night with
+doses of deadly lampshade.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp60" id="i_101" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_101.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Suffered terribly from
+    their Cardigans and
+    Balaclava helmets</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_LIV">
+    CHAPTER LIV</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    THE INDIAN MUTINY
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>This was also inevitable on account of:</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>a</i>) <i>The Natives.</i> These believed that the English
+were going to make them bite their greasy
+cartileges (Chuputti). This they treacherously
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</span>believed to be contrary to their religion and
+therefore a Bad Thing.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>b</i>) <i>The Anglo-Indians.</i> The natives were unable
+to realize that these were a Good Thing.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>Consequently an outbreak of very serious Meeruts
+occurred at Cawnpore and elsewhere and a descendant
+of the Great Mohawk was set up as Emperor at Dulwich
+(the old capital of India). Most terrible among the
+Indian leaders was a native Pundit called the Banana
+Sahib who by means of his treacherous disguise lured
+the famished British regiments to destruction.</p>
+
+<p>The Mutiny, however, was a Good Thing as it was
+the cause of Lucknow being relieved by Generals
+Havelock, Ellis, etc., and Lord Roberts got the V.C.
+and stayed on for 41 years.</p>
+
+<p>The Results of the Mutiny were:</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>a</i>) The Sepoy (or Governor-General) of India was
+brought under the control of the Crown.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">(<i>b</i>) The Queen was declared to be the Great Mohawk
+of India.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_LV">
+    CHAPTER LV</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    “PAL”
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Meanwhile, at home, fresh attempts to galvanize
+the Queen resulted in the promotion of
+Lord Palmerston (“Pal”) to the Premiership—a rather
+matey minister who always wore green gloves and
+sucked a straw and altered the Despatches after the
+Queen had signed them, so that they became surprises
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</span>for her. It was not, however, until he conceived and
+carried through his heartless <i>Conspiracy to Murder Bill</i>
+that the Good (but now Horrified) Queen dismissed
+him. After which “Pal” spent his time taking special
+trains in all directions and galloping to Harrow on
+a cream-coloured pony, thus endearing himself to the
+People and becoming an object of terror and admiration
+to all foreign governments.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_LVI">
+    CHAPTER LVI</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    FRESH ATTEMPTS TO AMUSE THE QUEEN. WAVE OF
+    JUSTIFIABLE WARS
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Owing to the inability of the Queen’s ministers
+to amuse the Crown, superhuman attempts were
+now made by her Majesty’s generals at home and
+abroad to provide military diversions. These took the
+form of a wave of Justifiable Wars, including:</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">1. <i>War with China.</i> Fought on moral grounds,
+because the Chinese government were disposed
+to impede the importation of Empire Opium
+into China. The British thus became indispensable
+to the Chinese and, after several bloody
+engagements, Hong Kong, the best port of China,
+was ceded to the British Throne.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">2. <i>War with Afghanistan.</i> Owing to the size, direction,
+etc., of Russia, it was imperative that the
+King of Afghanistan, whose name was Just
+Mohammed, should sit on his throne in a friendly
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</span>attitude. The King, however, (Just) declined
+to do this and the British Army was cut to pieces
+in the Pippa Passes to such an extent that Dr.
+Brydle rode half alive (or, according to some historians,
+half dead) into Jallallaballad. After this,
+however, several bloody battles were fought, and
+the Kings of Afghanistan were compelled to sit in
+a more friendly attitude.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">3. <i>Sheikh War.</i> Cause: Death of Ranji Tsinji (a
+huge Sheikh). The Sheikhs were very tall men
+on the frontier of India who obscured the Imperial
+outlook. A bloody strife ensued. Sir Hew Golf
+annihilated the Sheikhs, subsequently compelling
+them to present the Queen with a huge pencil
+called the Koh-in-Oor. The Sheikhs were thus
+reduced in every way and were afterwards on our
+side and a Good Thing.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">4. <i>2nd Burmese War.</i> Cause: there had only been
+one Burmese war. Burmese cut to pieces.
+Burma ceded to the Crown. Peace with Burma.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">5. <i>War against Abyssinia.</i> Object: to release the
+Europeans in Abyssinia, all of whom had been
+incarcerated by the King, Theodore, who was a
+Christian and would not see their point of view.
+The war was divided into two parts (1) Sir Robert
+Rapier demands release of prisoners. Prisoners
+released. (2) War declared against Abyssinia.
+King Theodore blown up with Magnesia, the
+capital of Abyssinia. Theodore commits suicide.
+Sir Robert becomes Lord Rapier of Magnesia.
+Peace with Abyssinia.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">6. <i>War against A Shantee.</i> Coffee, King of a Shantee,
+worsted and burnt by Sir Garment Wolsee, who
+becomes Viscount Coffee. Peace with the Shantee.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</span></p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">7. <i>War against Zulus.</i> Cause: the Zulus. Zulus
+exterminated. Peace with Zulus.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>All these attempts having failed, news was brought
+to the Queen that the Fiji Islands were annexed to the
+British “by the desire of the inhabitants.” At this
+point, according to some (seditious) historians, Her
+Majesty’s lip was observed to tremble.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">SPHERES OF INTERFERENCE. EGYPT</p>
+
+<p>It was during these wars that Spheres of Interference
+were discovered: these were necessary in all Countries
+inhabited by their own natives.</p>
+
+<p>The first of the Spheres was Egypt which now became
+memorable for the first time since Potiphar, the well-known
+Egyptian Pharaoh.</p>
+
+<p>Egypt was put under the Duel Control of England
+and France and was thus declared bankrupt; Alibaba,
+the Mowhgli, and other Pasha-Beziques were therefore
+immediately exterminated by Sir Garment Wolsey and
+subsequently by Kitchener of Kartoon at the terrible
+French battle of Homme de Man. This was because of
+Chinese Gordon (leader of the famous Gordon Riots&#x2060;<a id="FNanchor_11_11" href="#Footnote_11_11" class="fnanchor">[11]</a>
+in Pekin) and was called the Pagoda Incident and is
+remarkable as being the only (memorable) <i>Incident</i> in
+History.</p>
+
+
+<div class="footnotes">
+<h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a id="Footnote_11_11" href="#FNanchor_11_11" class="label">[11]</a> Due to the justifiable looting of Pekin by the Allies.</p></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</span></p>
+
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_LVII">
+    CHAPTER LVII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    DISRAELI AND GLADSTONE
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Not very much is known about these two extremely
+memorable ministers, except that (<i>a</i>) <i>Disraeli</i>
+“brought back Peace with Honour” after the famous
+Balkan Treaty of Berlin, which said:</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">1. that Bosnia should be ceded to Herzegovina;</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">2. that Herzegovina should be ceded to Bosnia
+(This is called the Eastern Question);</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">3. that Bulgaria should be divided into two parts
+(Later, Bulgaria was re-divided into one part by
+Mr. Gladstone);</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">4. that anyone found in Armenia should be gradually
+divided into twelve parts. (Mr. Gladstone subsequently
+criticized the effect of this clause.)</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>Disraeli also very generously purchased the Panama
+Canal from the Khalif and presented it to Queen
+Victoria with a huge bunch of primroses (his favourite
+flower), thus becoming Lord Beaconsfield and a romantic
+minister. The Queen, however, remained obdurately
+plural and not amused, even when Disraeli
+romantically called her a Faery Queen.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>b</i>) Gladstone, on the other hand, endeavoured
+(quite unsuccessfully) to please Her Majesty by chewing
+a milk pudding 79 times every day, and by his memorable
+inventions; amongst the latter were an exceptionally
+uncomfortable collar which he inhabited for 62
+years on the floor of the House of Commons, and an
+extremely simple kind of bag which he designed to
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</span>enable the Turks to be driven out of Europe <i>Bag and
+Baggage</i>. Gladstone also invented the Education Rate
+by which it was possible to calculate how soon anybody
+could be educated, and spent his declining years trying
+to guess the answer to the Irish Question; unfortunately,
+whenever he was getting warm, the Irish
+secretly changed the Question, so that as he grew older
+and older Gladstone became angrier and angrier, and
+grander and grander, and was ultimately awarded the
+affectionate title of “the G.P.O.” Gladstone was
+thus clearly a Good Man but a Bad Thing (or, alternatively,
+a Bad Man but a Good Thing).</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">QUEEN VICTORIA’S JAMBOREE</p>
+
+<p>Finally, all attempts (even by Gladstone and
+Disraeli) to amuse her, and to prevent her being good,
+having failed, the Queen held a Jamboree in Westminster
+Abbey and Crowned Heads and Oriental
+Patentees from all parts of the world came to acknowledge
+publicly the Good Queen’s Victory over all her
+ministers and generals.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_LVIII">
+    CHAPTER LVIII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    THE BOERWOER
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>The last event in Queen Victoria’s reign was the
+Borewore, or, more correctly, Boerwoer (Dutch),
+which was fought against a very tiresome Dutch tribe
+called the Bores, because they were left over from all
+previous wars.</p>
+
+<p>The War was not a very successful one at first, and
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</span>was quite unfair because the Boers could shoot much
+further than the English, and also because they were
+rather despicable in wearing veldt hats and using Pom-Pom
+bullets.</p>
+
+<p>Numerous battles were fought against the Bore
+leaders (such as Bother, Kopje, and Stellenbosch) at
+Nek’s Creek, Creek’s Nek, Knock’s Knee, etc., and much
+assistance was given to the British cause by Strathcoma’s
+memorable horse (patriotically lent by Lord
+Strathcoma for the occasion) and by the C.I.D., who
+fought very bravely and were awarded a tremendous
+welcome on their return to London after the war.</p>
+
+<p>Finally, the people at home took upon themselves
+the direction of the War and won it in a single night
+in London by a new and bracing method of warfare
+known as <i>Mafeking</i>. Thus the English were once more
+victorious.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">MEMORABLE RESULTS</p>
+
+<p>The Barwar was obviously a Good Thing in the end
+because it was the cause of Boy Scouts and of their
+memorable Chief Scout, General Baden Powell (known
+affectionately as “the B.O.P.”), and also because it
+gave rise to a number of very manly books, such as
+<i>40 Years Beating About The Bush</i>, <i>50 Years Before The
+Mast</i>, <i>60 Years Behind The Times</i>, etc.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">DEATH OF QUEEN VICTORIA</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile Queen Victoria had celebrated another
+Jamboree, called the Diamond Jamboree (on account
+of the discovery of Diamond mines at Camberley
+during the Borewore) and after dying of a surfeit of
+Jamborees, Jokes, Gladstone, etc., had been succeeded
+by her son, Edward VII.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</span></p>
+
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_LIX">
+    CHAPTER LIX</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    WAVE OF INVENTIONS
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>The reign of Queen Victoria was famous for the
+numerous discoveries and inventions which
+happened in it. One of the first of these was the
+brilliant theory of Mr. Darwin propounded in his
+memorable works, <i>Tails of a Grandfather</i>, <i>The Manx
+Man</i>, <i>Our Mutual Friends</i>, etc. This was known as
+Elocution or the Origin of Speeches and was fiercely
+denounced in every pulpit.</p>
+
+<p>Another memorable invention was called the Oxford
+Movement: this was a form of sinuflection which led
+men gradually in the direction of Rome; the movement
+was first made by Cardinal Newton at Oxford,
+and later, Peeble and Pusey Colleges were found
+there to commemorate his assistants. Many illustrated
+manuals and pamphlets were written by Cardinals
+Newton and Peeble, giving directions for the movement.</p>
+
+<p>There was also in Queen Victoria’s reign a famous
+inventor and poet called Oscar Wilde who wrote very
+well but behaved rather beardsley; he made himself
+memorable by inventing Art, Asceticism, etc., and was
+the leader of a set of disgusting old gentlemen called
+“the naughty nineties.”</p>
+
+<p>But most memorable of all were the McCanical
+inventions of the age, nearly all of which were kinds
+of Progress and invented by Scotsmen and Bad Things.
+Amongst these were Bicycles which caused Tricycles,
+coasting, bloomers, etc., and Roads (invented by Lord
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</span>Macadam and his son Lord Tarmac) for them to go
+along. Other inventions were Thermometers (invented
+by Lord Farqualqhounheit) which caused Temperatures,
+inflolqhouenza, etc.; Telegrams which caused
+betting, Bismark, etc.; Mackintoshes (invented by
+another Scottish nobleman whose name is now forgotten);
+and the memorable line invented by Mr.
+Plimsoll (see diagram below).</p>
+
+<p>Most of these inventions, however, were too numerous
+to be mentioned.</p>
+
+<figure class="figleft illowp27" id="i_110a" style="max-width: 6.25em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_110a.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Wrote very well
+    but....</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<figure class="figright illowp92" id="i_110b" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_110b.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Naughty nineties</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<br>
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="i_110c" style="max-width: 25.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_110c.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption>
+    <p>Mr. Plimsoll’s Invention.</p>
+  </figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</span></p>
+
+
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_LX">
+    CHAPTER LX</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    EDWARD VII. ALMOST A MONARCH
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Edward VII was quite old when he came to the
+throne, but this was only on account of Queen
+Victoria, and he was really a very active man and had
+many romantic occupations; for instance, he went
+betting and visited Paris and was sometimes late for
+dinner; in addition he was merry with actresses and
+kind to gypsies.</p>
+
+<p>Besides all this Edward VII smoked cigars, was
+addicted to entente cordials, married a Sea-King’s
+daughter, and invented appendicitis. Edward VII
+was thus a very Good King, besides being a Good Thing
+and <i>amused</i> and, in fact, almost a <i>Monarch</i>. He is
+also memorable because he preferred making peace
+instead of war.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_LXI">
+    CHAPTER LXI</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    THE GREAT WAR
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>King Edward’s new policy of peace was very
+successful and culminated in the Great War to
+End War. This pacific and inevitable struggle was
+undertaken in the reign of His Good and memorable
+Majesty King George V and it was the cause of nowadays
+and the end of History.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</span></p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">CAUSES OF THE GREAT WAR</p>
+
+<p>The Great War was between Germany and America
+and was thus fought in Belgium, one of the chief
+causes being the murder of the Austrian Duke of
+Sarajevo by a murderer in Servia.</p>
+
+<p>There were many other Causes of the Great War,
+such as</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">1. German Governesses, a wave of whom penetrated
+Kensington in King Edward’s reign and openly
+said that Germany ought to be top nation, and</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">2. The Kaiser, who sent a telegram consisting entirely
+of ems to one of the memorable Boerwar leaders.&#x2060;<a id="FNanchor_12_12" href="#Footnote_12_12" class="fnanchor">[12]</a></p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>These are now agreed to have been causes of the War
+though at the time the newspapers (rather conceitedly)
+declared that it was caused by a <i>strip of paper</i>.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE WAR</p>
+
+<p>The War lasted three years or the duration, the
+Americans being 100% victorious. At the beginning
+the Russians rendered great assistance to the American
+cause by lending their memorable steam-roller and by
+passing silently through England one Sunday morning
+before breakfast with snow on their boots. The
+Americans were also assisted by the Australians (<span class="allsmcap">AZTECS</span>)
+and some Canadians, and 51 Highlanders.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">THE PEACE TO END PEACE</p>
+
+<p>Though there were several battles in the War, none
+were so terrible or costly as the Peace which was signed
+afterwards in the ever-memorable Chamber of Horrors
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</span>at Versailles, and which was caused by the only memorable
+American statesmen, President Wilson and Col.
+White House, who insisted on a lot of Points, including</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">1. that England should be allowed to pay for the
+War: this was a Good Thing because it strengthened
+British (and even American) credit;</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">2. that the world should be made safe for democracy,
+i.e. anyone except pillion-riders, pedestrians,
+foreigners, natives, capitalists, communists, Jews,
+riffs, R.A.F.S., gun-men, policemen, peasants,
+pheasants, Chinese, etc.;</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">3. that there should be a great many more countries:
+this was a Bad Thing as it was the cause of
+increased geography;</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">4. the Freedom of the Seas: this was a Good Thing
+as it did not apply to Britain or America (or
+Switzerland);</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">5. that the Kaiser should be hanged: this was a
+Good Thing as it was abandoned, together with
+Mr. Lloyd George, the Irish Question, etc.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+
+<div class="footnotes">
+<h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a id="Footnote_12_12" href="#FNanchor_12_12" class="label">[12]</a> And, during a subsequent crisis, a panther to Agaçiers (a brutal
+act and quite contrary to the Haig Convention).</p></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+<div class="chapter">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_LXII">
+    CHAPTER LXII</h2>
+    <p class="ph3">
+    A BAD THING
+  </p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>America was thus clearly top nation, and History came
+to a .</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</span></p>
+
+
+<p class="ph3">TEST PAPER V</p>
+
+<p class="ph3"><span class="smcap">Up to the End of History</span></p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="hanging-indent1">1. Sketch vaguely, with some reference to the facts:
+(1) The Southsea Bubble, (2) The Ramillies Wig.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">2. Would it have been a Good Thing if Wolfe had
+succeeded in writing Gray’s Elegy instead of taking
+Quebec?</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">3. Analyse and distinguish between The Begums of Oudh.
+Would they have been deceived by the Banana Sahib?</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">4. “An Army marches on its stomach” (Napoleon).
+Illustrate and examine.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">5. Account (loudly) for the success of Marshal Ney as a
+leader of horse.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">6<span class="allsmcap">A</span>. “What a city to boot!”. Who said this, Wellington or
+Blücher or Flora McNightingown?</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">6<span class="allsmcap">B</span>. Did anybody say “I know that no one can save this
+country and that nobody else can”? If not, who did
+say it?</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">7. Ruminate fearlessly on (1) Lord Cardigan, (2) Clapham.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent1">8. Do not attempt to remember what Mr. Gladstone said
+in 1864 but account for the paramountcy of (1) Milk
+Puddings, (2) Bags, in his political career.</p>
+
+<p>
+  9. Comment <i>Quietly</i> on</p>
+
+<table class="autotable">
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">
+(<i>a</i>)
+</td>
+<td class="tdl">
+Tariff Reform.
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">
+(<i>b</i>)
+</td>
+<td class="tdl">
+Mafeking Night.
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">
+(<i>c</i>)
+</td>
+<td class="tdl">
+The Western Front.
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+<p class="hanging-indent2">10. Refrain from commenting on The Albert Memorial, The
+September Massacres, The Dardanelles, The O.B.E., or
+any other subjects that you consider too numerous to
+mention. (The better the fewer.)</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</span></p>
+
+<p class="hanging-indent2">11. Write not more than two lines on The Career of
+Napoleon Buonaparte, <i>or</i> The Acquisition of our
+Indian Empire <i>or</i> The Prime Ministers of England.</p>
+
+<p>12. What price Glory?</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>N.B.—Do not on any account attempt to write on both
+sides of the paper at once.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</span></p>
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p class="ph4">
+  Printed in Great Britain by<br>
+  Butler &amp; Tanner Ltd.,<br>
+  Frome and London
+</p>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<div class="tnote">
+  <h2 class="nobreak" id="Transcribers_note">
+    Transcriber’s note
+  </h2>
+
+
+<p>Minor punctuation errors have been changed without notice.</p>
+
+<p>For this version, the chart on p. <a href="#Page_31">31</a> has been reformatted so that it will
+fit on small screens. The original chart is below.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="i_031" style="max-width: 75.0em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/i_031.jpg" alt="">
+</figure>
+
+<p>Spelling was retained as in the original except for the following
+change:</p>
+
+<table class="autotable">
+<tr>
+<td class="tdl">
+Page <a href="#Page_71">71</a>: "Chap. II, Freedom"
+</td>
+<td class="tdl">
+"Chap. VI, Freedom"
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div style='text-align:center'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 78124 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
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+This book, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for eBook #78124
+(https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/78124)