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diff --git a/7816-h/7816-h.htm b/7816-h/7816-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..67e4a4e --- /dev/null +++ b/7816-h/7816-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4305 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + The Voyage of Captain Popanilla, by Benjamin Disraeli + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd7; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +Project Gutenberg's The Voyage of Captain Popanilla, by Benjamin Disraeli + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Voyage of Captain Popanilla + +Author: Benjamin Disraeli + +Release Date: July 23, 2009 [EBook #7816] +Last Updated: November 3, 2012 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE VOYAGE OF CAPTAIN POPANILLA *** + + + + +Produced by K. Kay Shearin, and David Widger + + + + + + +</pre> + + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE VOYAGE OF CAPTAIN POPANILLA + </h1> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Benjamin Disraeli + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h4> + This narrative of an imaginary voyage was first published in 1827. + </h4> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER 1 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER 2 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER 3 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER 4 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER 5 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER 6 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER 7 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER 8 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER 9 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER 10 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER 11 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER 12 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER 13 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER 14 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER 15 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER 16 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER 17 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER 18 </a> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h2> + CHAPTER 1 + </h2> + <p> + There is an island in the Indian Ocean, so unfortunate as not yet to have + been visited either by Discovery Ships or Missionary Societies. It is a + place where all those things are constantly found which men most desire to + see, and with the sight of which they are seldom favoured. It abounds in + flowers, and fruit, and sunshine. Lofty mountains, covered with green and + mighty forests, except where the red rocks catch the fierce beams of the + blazing sun, bowery valleys, broad lakes, gigantic trees, and gushing + rivers bursting from rocky gorges, are crowned with a purple and ever + cloudless sky. Summer, in its most unctuous state and most mellow majesty, + is here perpetual. So intense and overpowering, in the daytime, is the + rich union of heat and perfume, that living animal or creature is never + visible; and were you and I to pluck, before sunset, the huge fruit from + yonder teeming tree, we might fancy ourselves for the moment the future + sinners of another Eden. Yet a solitude it is not. + </p> + <p> + The island is surrounded by a calm and blue lagoon, formed by a ridge of + coral rocks, which break the swell of the ocean, and prevent the noxious + spray from banishing the rich shrubs which grow even to the water’s edge. + It is a few minutes before sunset, that the first intimation of animal + existence in this seeming solitude is given, by the appearance of + mermaids; who, floating on the rosy sea, congregate about these rocks. + They sound a loud but melodious chorus from their sea-shells, and a faint + and distant chorus soon answers from the island. The mermaidens + immediately repeat their salutations, and are greeted with a nearer and a + louder answer. As the red and rayless sun drops into the glowing waters, + the choruses simultaneously join; and rushing from the woods, and down the + mountain steeps to the nearest shore, crowds of human beings, at the same + moment, appear and collect. + </p> + <p> + The inhabitants of this island, in form and face, do not misbecome the + clime and the country. With the vivacity of a Faun, the men combine the + strength of a Hercules and the beauty of an Adonis; and, as their more + interesting companions flash upon his presence, the least classical of + poets might be excused for imagining that, like their blessed Goddess, the + women had magically sprung from the brilliant foam of that ocean which is + gradually subsiding before them. + </p> + <p> + But sunset in this land is not the signal merely for the evidence of human + existence. At the moment that the Islanders, crowned with flowers, and + waving goblets and garlands, burst from their retreats, upon each mountain + peak a lion starts forward, stretches his proud tail, and, bellowing to + the sun, scours back exulting to his forest; immense bodies, which before + would have been mistaken for the trunks of trees, now move into life, and + serpents, untwining their green and glittering folds, and slowly bending + their crested heads around, seem proudly conscious of a voluptuous + existence; troops of monkeys leap from tree to tree; panthers start + forward, and alarmed, not alarming, instantly vanish; a herd of milk-white + elephants tramples over the back-ground of the scene; and instead of + gloomy owls and noxious beetles, to hail the long-enduring twilight, from + the bell of every opening flower beautiful birds, radiant with every + rainbow tint, rush with a long and living melody into the cool air. + </p> + <p> + The twilight in this island is not that transient moment of unearthly + bliss, which, in our less favoured regions, always leaves us so thoughtful + and so sad; on the contrary, it lasts many hours, and consequently the + Islanders are neither moody nor sorrowful. As they sleep during the day, + four or five hours of ‘tipsy dance and revelry’ are exercise and not + fatigue. At length, even in this delightful region, the rosy tint fades + into purple, and the purple into blue; the white moon gleams, and at + length glitters; and the invisible stars first creep into light, and then + blaze into radiancy. But no hateful dews discolour their loveliness! and + so clear is the air, that instead of the false appearance of a studded + vault, the celestial bodies may be seen floating in aether, at various + distances and of various tints. Ere the showery fire-flies have ceased to + shine, and the blue lights to play about the tremulous horizon, amid the + voices of a thousand birds, the dancers solace themselves with the rarest + fruits, the most delicate fish, and the most delicious wines; but flesh + they love not. They are an innocent and a happy, though a voluptuous and + ignorant race. They have no manufactures, no commerce, no agriculture, and + no printing-presses; but for their slight clothing they wear the bright + skins of serpents; for corn, Nature gives them the bread-fruit; and for + intellectual amusement, they have a pregnant fancy and a ready wit; tell + inexhaustible stories, and always laugh at each other’s jokes. A natural + instinct gave them the art of making wine; and it was the same benevolent + Nature that blessed them also with the knowledge of the art of making + love. But time flies even here. The lovely companions have danced, and + sung, and banqueted, and laughed; what further bliss remains for man? They + rise, and in pairs wander about the island, and then to their bowers; + their life ends with the Night they love so well; and ere Day, the + everlasting conqueror, wave his flaming standard in the luminous East, + solitude and silence will again reign in the ISLE OF FANTAISIE. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER 2 + </h2> + <p> + The last and loudest chorus had died away, and the Islanders were pouring + forth their libation to their great enemy the Sun, when suddenly a vast + obscurity spread over the glowing West. They looked at each other, and + turned pale, and the wine from their trembling goblets fell useless on the + shore. The women were too frightened to scream, and, for the first time in + the Isle of Fantaisie, silence existed after sunset. They were encouraged + when they observed that the darkness ceased at that point in the heavens + which overlooked their coral rocks; and perceiving that their hitherto + unsullied sky was pure, even at this moment of otherwise universal gloom, + the men regained their colour, touched the goblets with their lips, + further to reanimate themselves, and the women, now less discomposed, + uttered loud shrieks. + </p> + <p> + Suddenly the wind roared with unaccustomed rage, the sea rose into large + billows, and a ship was seen tossing in the offing. The Islanders, whose + experience of navigation extended only to a slight paddling in their + lagoon, in the half of a hollow trunk of a tree, for the purpose of + fishing, mistook the tight little frigate for a great fish; and being now + aware of the cause of this disturbance, and at the same time feeling + confident that the monster could never make way through the shallow waters + to the island, they recovered their courage, and gazed upon the labouring + leviathan with the same interested nonchalance with which students at a + modern lecture observe an expounding philosopher. + </p> + <p> + ‘What a shadow he casts over the sky!’ said the King, a young man, whose + divine right was never questioned by his female subjects. ‘What a + commotion in the waters, and what a wind he snorts forth! It certainly + must be the largest fish that exists. I remember my father telling me that + a monstrous fish once got entangled among our rocks, and this part of the + island really smelt for a month; I cannot help fancying that there is a + rather odd smell now; pah!’ + </p> + <p> + A favourite Queen flew to the suffering monarch, and pressing her aromatic + lips upon his offended nostrils, his Majesty recovered. + </p> + <p> + The unhappy crew of the frigate, who, with the aid of their telescopes, + had detected the crowds upon the shore, now fired their signal guns of + distress, which came sullenly booming through the wind. + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh! the great fish is speaking!’ was the universal exclamation. + </p> + <p> + ‘I begin to get frightened,’ said the favourite Queen. ‘I am sure the + monster is coming here!’ So saying, her Majesty grasped up a handful of + pearls from the shore, to defend herself. + </p> + <p> + As screaming was now the fashion, all the women of course screamed; and + animated by the example of their sovereign, and armed with the marine + gems, the Amazons assumed an imposing attitude. + </p> + <p> + Just at the moment that they had worked up their enthusiasm to the highest + pitch, and were actually desirous of dying for their country, the ship + sunk. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER 3 + </h2> + <p> + It is the flush of noon; and, strange to say, a human figure is seen + wandering on the shore of the Isle of Fantaisie. + </p> + <p> + ‘One of the crew of the wrecked frigate, of course? What an escape! + Fortunate creature! interesting man! Probably the indefatigable Captain + Parry; possibly the undaunted Captain Franklin; perhaps the adventurous + Captain Lyon!’ + </p> + <p> + No! sweet blue-eyed girl! my plots are not of that extremely guessable + nature so admired by your adorable sex. Indeed, this book is so + constructed that if you were even, according to custom, to commence its + perusal by reading the last page, you would not gain the slightest + assistance in finding out ‘how the story ends.’ + </p> + <p> + The wanderer belongs to no frigate-building nation. He is a true + Fantaisian; who having, in his fright, during yesterday’s storm, lost the + lock of hair which, in a moment of glorious favour, he had ravished from + his fair mistress’s brow, is now, after a sleepless night, tracing every + remembered haunt of yesterday, with the fond hope of regaining his most + precious treasure. Ye Gentlemen of England, who live at home at ease, know + full well the anxiety and exertion, the days of management, and the nights + of meditation which the rape of a lock requires, and you can consequently + sympathize with the agitated feelings of the handsome and the hapless + Popanilla. + </p> + <p> + The favourite of all the women, the envy of all the men, Popanilla passed + a pleasant life. No one was a better judge of wine, no one had a better + taste for fruit, no one danced with more elegant vivacity, and no one + whispered compliments in a more meaning tone. His stories ever had a + point, his repartees were never ill-natured. What a pity that such an + amiable fellow should have got into such a scrape! + </p> + <p> + In spite of his grief, however, Popanilla soon found that the ardency of + his passion evaporated under a smoking sun; and, exhausted, he was about + to return home from his fruitless search, when his attention was attracted + by a singular appearance. He observed before him, on the shore, a square + and hitherto unseen form. He watched it for some minutes, but it was + motionless. He drew nearer, and observed it with intense attention; but, + if it were a being, it certainly was fast asleep. He approached close to + its side, but it neither moved nor breathed. He applied his nose to the + mysterious body, and the elegant Fantaisian drew back immediately from a + most villanous smell of pitch. Not to excite too much, in this calm age, + the reader’s curiosity, let him know at once that this strange substance + was a sea-chest. Upon it was marked, in large black letters, S. D. K. No. + 1. + </p> + <p> + For the first time in his life Popanilla experienced a feeling of + overwhelming curiosity. His fatigue, his loss, the scorching hour, and the + possible danger were all forgotten in an indefinite feeling that the body + possessed contents more interesting than its unpromising exterior, and in + a resolute determination that the development of the mystery should be + reserved only for himself. + </p> + <p> + Although he felt assured that he must be unseen, he could not refrain from + throwing a rapid glance of anxiety around him. It was a moment of perfect + stillness: the island slept in sunshine, and even the waves had ceased to + break over the opposing rocks. A thousand strange and singular thoughts + rushed into his mind, but his first purpose was ever uppermost; and at + length, unfolding his girdle of skin, he tied the tough cincture round the + chest, and, exerting all his powers, dragged his mysterious waif into the + nearest wood. + </p> + <p> + But during this operation the top fell off, and revealed the neatest + collection of little packages that ever pleased the eye of the admirer of + spruce arrangement. Popanilla took up packets upon all possible subjects; + smelt them, but they were not savory; he was sorely puzzled. At last, he + lighted on a slender volume bound in brown calf, which, with the confined + but sensual notions of a savage, he mistook for gingerbread, at least. It + was ‘The Universal Linguist, by Mr. Hamilton; or, the Art of Dreaming in + Languages.’ + </p> + <p> + No sooner had Popanilla passed that well-formed nose, which had been so + often admired by the lady whose lock of hair he had unfortunately lost, a + few times over a few pages of the Hamiltonian System than he sank upon his + bed of flowers, and, in spite of his curiosity, was instantly overcome by + a profound slumber. But his slumber, though deep, was not peaceful, and he + was the actor in an agitating drama. + </p> + <p> + He found himself alone in a gay and glorious garden. In the centre of it + grew a pomegranate tree of prodigious size; its top was lost in the sky, + and its innumerable branches sprang out in all directions, covered with + large fruit of a rich golden hue. Beautiful birds were perched upon all + parts of the tree, and chanted with perpetual melody the beauties of their + bower. Tempted by the delicious sight, Popanilla stretched forward his + ready hand to pluck; but no sooner had he grasped the fruit than the music + immediately ceased, the birds rushed away, the sky darkened, the tree fell + under the wind, the garden vanished, and Popanilla found himself in the + midst of a raging sea, buffeting the waves. + </p> + <p> + He would certainly have been drowned had he not been immediately swallowed + up by the huge monster which had not only been the occasion of the storm + of yesterday, but, ah! most unhappy business! been the occasion also of + his losing that lock of hair. + </p> + <p> + Ere he could congratulate himself on his escape he found fresh cause for + anxiety, for he perceived that he was no longer alone. No friends were + near him; but, on, the contrary, he was surrounded by strangers of a far + different aspect. They were men certainly; that is to say, they had legs + and arms, and heads, and bodies as himself; but instead of that bloom of + youth, that regularity of feature, that amiable joyousness of countenance, + which he had ever been accustomed to meet and to love in his former + companions, he recoiled in horror from the swarthy complexions, the sad + visages, and the haggard features of his present ones. They spoke to him + in a harsh and guttural accent. He would have fled from their advances; + but then he was in the belly of a whale! When he had become a little used + to their tones he was gratified by finding that their attentions were far + from hostile; and, after having received from them a few compliments, he + began to think that they were not quite so ugly. He discovered that the + object of their inquires was the fatal pomegranate which still remained in + his hand. They admired its beauty, and told him that they greatly esteemed + an individual who possessed such a mass of precious ore. Popanilla begged + to undeceive them, and courteously presented the fruit. No sooner, + however, had he parted with this apple of discord, than the countenances + of his companions changed. Immediately discovering its real nature, they + loudly accused Popanilla of having deceived them; he remonstrated, and + they recriminated; and the great fish, irritated by their clamour, lashed + its huge tail, and with one efficacious vomit spouted the innocent + Popanilla high in the air. He fell with such a dash into the waves that he + was awakened by the sound of his own fall. + </p> + <p> + The dreamer awoke amidst real chattering, and scuffling, and clamour. A + troop of green monkeys had been aroused by his unusual occupation, and had + taken the opportunity of his slumber to become acquainted with some of the + first principles of science. What progress they had made it is difficult + to ascertain; because, each one throwing a tract at Popanilla’s head, they + immediately disappeared. It is said, however, that some monkeys have been + since seen skipping about the island, with their tails cut off; and that + they have even succeeded in passing themselves off for human beings among + those people who do not read novels, and are consequently unacquainted + with mankind. + </p> + <p> + The morning’s adventure immediately rushed into Popanilla’s mind, and he + proceeded forthwith to examine the contents of his chest; but with + advantages which had not been yet enjoyed by those who had previously + peeped into it. The monkeys had not been composed to sleep by the + ‘Universal Linguist’ of Mr. Hamilton. As for Popanilla, he took up a + treatise on hydrostatics, and read it straight through on the spot. For + the rest of the day he was hydrostatically mad; nor could the commonest + incident connected with the action or conveyance of water take place + without his speculating on its cause and consequence. + </p> + <p> + So enraptured was Popanilla with his new accomplishments and acquirements + that by degrees he avoided attendance on the usual evening assemblages, + and devoted himself solely to the acquirement of useful knowledge. After a + short time his absence was remarked; but the greatest and the most gifted + has only to leave his coterie, called the world, for a few days, to be + fully convinced of what slight importance he really is. And so Popanilla, + the delight of society and the especial favourite of the women, was in a + very short time not even inquired after. At first, of course, they + supposed that he was in love, or that he had a slight cold, or that he was + writing his memoirs; and as these suppositions, in due course, take their + place in the annals of society as circumstantial histories, in about a + week one knew the lady, another had beard him sneeze, and a third had seen + the manuscript. At the end of another week Popanilla was forgotten. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER 4 + </h2> + <p> + Six months had elapsed since the first chest of the cargo of Useful + Knowledge destined for the fortunate Maldives had been digested by the + recluse Popanilla; for a recluse he had now become. Great students are + rather dull companions. Our Fantaisian friend, during his first studies, + was as moody, absent, and querulous as are most men of genius during that + mystical period of life. He was consequently avoided by the men and + quizzed by the women, and consoled himself for the neglect of the first + and the taunts of the second by the indefinite sensation that he should, + some day or other, turn out that little being called a great man. As for + his mistress, she considered herself insulted by being addressed by a man + who had lost her lock of hair. When the chest was exhausted Popanilla was + seized with a profound melancholy. Nothing depresses a man’s spirits more + completely than a self-conviction of self-conceit; and Popanilla, who had + been accustomed to consider himself and his companions as the most elegant + portion of the visible creation, now discovered, with dismay, that he and + his fellow-islanders were nothing more than a horde of useless savages. + </p> + <p> + This mortification, however, was soon succeeded by a proud consciousness + that he, at any rate, was now civilised; and that proud consciousness by a + fond hope that in a short time he might become a civiliser. Like all + projectors, he was not of a sanguine temperament; but he did trust that in + the course of another season the Isle of Fantaisie might take its station + among the nations. He was determined, however, not to be too rapid. It + cannot be expected that ancient prejudices can in a moment be eradicated, + and new modes of conduct instantaneously substituted and established. + Popanilla, like a wise man, determined to conciliate. His views were to be + as liberal, as his principles were enlightened. Men should be forced to do + nothing. Bigotry, and intolerance, and persecution were the objects of his + decided disapprobation; resembling, in this particular, all the great and + good men who have ever existed, who have invariably maintained this + opinion so long as they have been in the minority. + </p> + <p> + Popanilla appeared once more in the world. + </p> + <p> + ‘Dear me! is that you, Pop?’ exclaimed the ladies. ‘What have you been + doing with yourself all this time? Travelling, I suppose. Every one + travels now. Really you travelled men get quite bores. And where did you + get that coat, if it be a coat?’ + </p> + <p> + Such was the style in which the Fantaisian females saluted the long absent + Popanilla; and really, when a man shuts himself up from the world for a + considerable time, and fancies that in condescending to re-enter it he has + surely the right to expect the homage due to a superior being, these + salutations are awkward. The ladies of England peculiarly excel in this + species of annihilation; and while they continue to drown puppies, as they + daily do, in a sea of sarcasm, I think no true Englishman will hesitate + one moment in giving them the preference for tact and manner over all the + vivacious French, all the self-possessing Italian, and all the tolerant + German women. This is a claptrap, and I have no doubt will sell the book. + </p> + <p> + Popanilla, however, had not re-entered society with the intention of + subsiding into a nonentity; and he therefore took the opportunity, a few + minutes after sunset, just as his companions were falling into the dance, + to beg the favour of being allowed to address his sovereign only for one + single moment. + </p> + <p> + ‘Sire!’ said he, in that mild tone of subdued superciliousness with which + we should always address kings, and which, while it vindicates our + dignity, satisfactorily proves that we are above the vulgar passion of + envy, ‘Sire!’ but let us not encourage that fatal faculty of oratory so + dangerous to free states, and therefore let us give only the ‘substance of + Popanilla’s speech.’ * He commenced his address in a manner somewhat + resembling the initial observations of those pleasing pamphlets which are + the fashion of the present hour; and which, being intended to diffuse + information among those who have not enjoyed the opportunity and + advantages of study, and are consequently of a gay and cheerful + disposition, treat of light subjects in a light and polished style. + Popanilla, therefore, spoke of man in a savage state, the origin of + society, and the elements of the social compact, in sentences which would + not have disgraced the mellifluous pen of Bentham. From these he naturally + digressed into an agreeable disquisition on the Anglo-Saxons; and, after a + little badinage on the Bill of Rights, flew off to an airy aper u of the + French Revolution. When he had arrived at the Isle of Fantaisie he begged + to inform his Majesty that man was born for something else besides + enjoying himself. It was, doubtless, extremely pleasant to dance and sing, + to crown themselves with chaplets, and to drink wine; but he was ‘free to + confess’ that he did not imagine that the most barefaced hireling of + corruption could for a moment presume to maintain that there was any + utility in pleasure. If there were no utility in pleasure, it was quite + clear that pleasure could profit no one. If, therefore, it were + unprofitable, it was injurious; because that which does not produce a + profit is equivalent to a loss; therefore pleasure is a losing business; + consequently pleasure is not pleasant. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Substance of a speech, in Parliamentary language, means a printed + edition of an harangue which contains all that was uttered in the + House, and about as much again. +</pre> + <p> + He also showed that man was not born for himself, but for society; that + the interests of the body are alone to be considered, and not those of the + individual; and that a nation might be extremely happy, extremely + powerful, and extremely rich, although every individual member of it might + at the same time be miserable, dependent, and in debt. He regretted to + observe that no one in the island seemed in the slightest decree conscious + of the object of his being. Man is created for a purpose; the object of + his existence is to perfect himself. Man is imperfect by nature, because + if nature had made him perfect he would have had no wants; and it is only + by supplying his wants that utility can be developed. The development of + utility is therefore the object of our being, and the attainment of this + great end the cause of our existence. This principle clears all doubts, + and rationally accounts for a state of existence which has puzzled many + pseudo-philosophers. + </p> + <p> + Popanilla then went on to show that the hitherto received definitions of + man were all erroneous; that man is neither a walking animal, nor a + talking animal, nor a cooking animal, nor a lounging animal, nor a + debt-incurring, animal, nor a tax-paying animal, nor a printing animal, + nor a puffing animal, but a developing animal. Development is the + discovery of utility. By developing the water we get fish; by developing + the earth we get corn, and cash, and cotton; by developing the air we get + breath; by developing the fire we get heat. Thus, the use of the elements + is demonstrated to the meanest capacity. But it was not merely a material + development to which he alluded; a moral development was equally + indispensable. He showed that it was impossible for a nation either to + think too much or to do too much. The life of man was therefore to be + passed in a moral and material development until he had consummated his + perfection. It was the opinion of Popanilla that this great result was by + no means so near at hand as some philosophers flattered themselves; and + that it might possibly require another half-century before even the most + civilised nation could be said to have completed the destiny of the human + race. At the same time, he intimated that there were various extraordinary + means by which this rather desirable result might be facilitated; and + there was no saying what the building of a new University might do, of + which, when built, he had no objection to be appointed Principal. + </p> + <p> + In answer to those who affect to admire that deficient system of existence + which they style simplicity of manners, and who are perpetually committing + the blunder of supposing that every advance towards perfection only + withdraws man further from his primitive and proper condition, Popanilla + triumphantly demonstrated that no such order as that which they associated + with the phrase ‘state of nature’ ever existed. ‘Man,’ said he, ‘is called + the masterpiece of nature; and man is also, as we all know, the most + curious of machines; now, a machine is a work of art, consequently, the + masterpiece of nature is the masterpiece of art. The object of all + mechanism is the attainment of utility; the object of man, who is the most + perfect machine, is utility in the highest degree. Can we believe, + therefore, that this machine was ever intended for a state which never + could have called forth its powers, a state in which no utility could ever + have been attained, a state in which there are no wants; consequently, no + demand; consequently, no supply; consequently, no competition; + consequently, no invention; consequently, no profits; only one great + pernicious monopoly of comfort and ease? Society without wants is like a + world without winds. It is quite clear, therefore, that there is no such + thing as Nature; Nature is Art, or Art is Nature; that which is most + useful is most natural, because utility is the test of nature; therefore a + steam-engine is in fact a much more natural production than a mountain.* + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The age seems as anti-mountainous as it is anti-monarchical. + A late writer insinuates that if the English had spent their + millions in levelling the Andes, instead of excavating the + table-lands, society might have been benefited. These + monstrosities are decidedly useless, and therefore can neither + be sublime nor beautiful, as has been unanswerably demonstrated + by another recent writer on political aesthetics—See also a + personal attack on Mont Blanc, in the second number of the + Foreign Quarterly Review, 1828. +</pre> + <p> + ‘You are convinced, therefore,’ he continued, ‘by these observations, that + it is impossible for an individual or a nation to be too artificial in + their manners, their ideas, their laws, or their general policy; because, + in fact, the more artificial you become the nearer you approach that state + of nature of which you are so perpetually talking.’ Here observing that + some of his audience appeared to be a little sceptical, perhaps only + surprised, he told them that what he said must be true, because it + entirely consisted of first principles. * + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * First principles are the ingredients of positive truth. They + are immutable, as may be seen by comparing the first principles + of the eighteenth century with the first principles of the + nineteenth. +</pre> + <p> + After having thus preliminarily descanted for about two hours, Popanilla + informed his Majesty that he was unused to public speaking, and then + proceeded to show that the grand characteristic of the social action * of + the Isle of Fantaisie was a total want of development. This he observed + with equal sorrow and surprise; he respected the wisdom of their + ancestors; at the same time, no one could deny that they were both + barbarous and ignorant; he highly esteemed also the constitution, but + regretted that it was not in the slightest degree adapted to the existing + want of society: he was not for destroying any establishments, but, on the + contrary, was for courteously affording them the opportunity of + self-dissolution. He finished by re-urging, in strong terms, the immediate + development of the island. In the first place, a great metropolis must be + instantly built, because a great metropolis always produces a great + demand; and, moreover, Popanilla had some legal doubts whether a country + without a capital could in fact be considered a State. Apologising for + having so long trespassed upon the attention of the assembly, he begged + distinctly to state ** that he had no wish to see his Majesty and his + fellow-subjects adopt these new principles without examination and without + experience. They might commence on a small scale; let them cut down their + forests, and by turning them into ships and houses discover the utility of + timber; let the whole island be dug up; let canals be cut, docks be built, + and all the elephants be killed directly, that their teeth might yield an + immediate article for exportation. A short time would afford a sufficient + trial. In the meanwhile, they would not be pledged to further measures, + and these might be considered only as an experiment. *** Taking for + granted that these principles would be acted on, and taking into + consideration the site of the island in the map of the world, the nature + and extent of its resources, its magnificent race of human beings, its + varieties of the animal creation, its wonderfully fine timber, its + undeveloped mineral treasures, the spaciousness of its harbours, and its + various facilities for extended international communication, Popanilla had + no hesitation in saying that a short time could not elapse ere, instead of + passing their lives in a state of unprofitable ease and useless enjoyment, + they might reasonably expect to be the terror and astonishment of the + universe, and to be able to annoy every nation of any consequence. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * This simple and definite phrase we derive from the nation to + whom we were indebted during the last century for some other + phrases about as definite, but rather more dangerous. + + ** Another phrase of Parliament, which, I need not observe, is + always made use of in oratory when the orator can see his + meaning about as distinctly as Sancho perceived the charms + of Dulcinea. + + *** A very famous and convenient phrase this—but in politics + experiments mean revolutions. 1828. +</pre> + <p> + Here, observing a smile upon his Majesty’s countenance, Popanilla told the + King that he was only a chief magistrate, and he had no more right to + laugh at him than a parish constable. He concluded by observing that + although what he at present urged might appear strange, nevertheless, if + the listeners had been acquainted with the characters and cases of Galileo + and Turgot, they would then have seen, as a necessary consequence, that + his system was perfectly correct, and he himself a man of extraordinary + merit. + </p> + <p> + Here the chief magistrate, no longer daring to smile, burst into a fit of + laughter; and turning to his courtiers said, ‘I have not an idea what this + man is talking about, but I know that he makes my head ache: give me a cup + of wine, and let us have a dance.’ + </p> + <p> + All applauded the royal proposition; and pushing Popanilla from one to + another, until he was fairly hustled to the brink of the lagoon, they soon + forgot the existence of this bore: in one word, he was cut. When Popanilla + found himself standing alone, and looking grave while all the rest were + gay, he began to suspect that he was not so influential a personage as he + previously imagined. Rather crest-fallen, he sneaked home; and consoled + himself for having nobody to speak to by reading some amusing + ‘Conversations on Political Economy.’ + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER 5 + </h2> + <p> + Popanilla was discomposed, but he was not discomfited. He consoled himself + for the Royal neglect by the recollection of the many illustrious men who + had been despised, banished, imprisoned, and burnt for the maintenance of + opinions which, centuries afterwards, had been discovered to be truth. He + did not forget that in still further centuries the lately recognised truth + had been re-discovered to be falsehood; but then these men were not less + illustrious; and what wonder that their opinions were really erroneous, + since they were not his present ones? The reasoning was equally conclusive + and consolatory. Popanilla, therefore, was not discouraged; and although + he deemed it more prudent not to go out of his way to seek another + audience of his sovereign, or to be too anxious again to address a public + meeting, he nevertheless determined to proceed cautiously, but constantly, + propagating his doctrines and proselytizing in private. + </p> + <p> + Unfortunately for Popanilla, he did not enjoy one advantage which all + founders of sects have duly appreciated, and by which they have been + materially assisted. It is a great and an unanswerable argument in favour + of a Providence that we constantly perceive that the most beneficial + results are brought about by the least worthy and most insignificant + agents. The purest religions would never have been established had they + not been supported by sinners who felt the burthen of the old faith; and + the most free and enlightened governments are often generated by the + discontented, the disappointed, and the dissolute. Now, in the Isle of + Fantaisie, unfortunately for our revolutionizer, there was not a single + grumbler. + </p> + <p> + Unable, therefore, to make the bad passions of his fellow creatures the + unconscious instruments of his good purposes, Popanilla must have been + contented to have monopolised all the wisdom of the moderns, had he not, + with the unbaffled wit of an inventor, hit upon a new expedient. Like + Socrates, our philosopher began to cultivate with sedulousness the society + of youth. + </p> + <p> + In a short time the ladies of Fantaisie were forced to observe that the + fair sex most unfashionably predominated in their evening assemblages; for + the young gentlemen of the island had suddenly ceased to pay their + graceful homage at the altar of Terpsichore. In an Indian isle not to + dance was as bad as heresy. The ladies rallied the recreants, but their + playful sarcasms failed of their wonted effect. In the natural course of + things they had recourse to remonstrances, but their appeals were equally + fruitless. The delicate creatures tried reproaches, but the boyish cynics + received them with a scowl and answered them with a sneer. + </p> + <p> + The women fled in indignation to their friendly monarch; but the + voluptuary of nature only shrugged his shoulders and smiled. He kissed + away their tears, and their frowns vanished as he crowned their long hair + with roses. + </p> + <p> + ‘If the lads really show such bad taste,’ said his Majesty, ‘why I and my + lords must do double duty, and dance with a couple of you at once.’ + Consoled and complimented, and crowned by a King, who could look sad? The + women forgot their anger in their increasing loyalty. + </p> + <p> + But the pupils of Popanilla had no sooner mastered the first principles of + science than they began to throw off their retired habits and + uncommunicative manners. Being not utterly ignorant of some of the + rudiments of knowledge, and consequently having completed their education, + it was now their duty, as members of society, to instruct and not to + study. They therefore courted, instead of shunned, their fellow-creatures; + and on all occasions seized all opportunities of assisting the spread of + knowledge. The voices of lecturing boys resounded in every part of the + island. Their tones were so shrill, their manners so presuming, their + knowledge so crude, and their general demeanour so completely unamiable, + that it was impossible to hear them without delight, advantage, and + admiration. + </p> + <p> + The women were not now the only sufferers and the only complainants. + Dinned to death, the men looked gloomy; and even the King, for the first + time in his life, looked grave. Could this Babel, he thought, be that + empire of bliss, that delightful Fantaisie, where to be ruler only proved + that you were the most skilful in making others happy! His brow ached + under his light flowery crown, as if it were bound by the barbarous circle + of a tyrant, heavy with gems and gold. In his despair he had some thoughts + of leaving his kingdom and betaking himself to the mermaids. + </p> + <p> + The determination of the most precious portion of his subjects saved his + empire. As the disciples of the new school were daily demanding, ‘What is + the use of dancing? what is the use of drinking wine? what is the use of + smelling flowers?’ the women, like prescient politicians, began to + entertain a nervous suspicion that in time these sages might even presume + to question the utility of that homage which, in spite of the Grecian + Philosophers and the British Essayists, we have been in the habit of + conceding to them ever since Eden; and they rushed again to the King like + frightened deer. Something now was to be done; and the monarch, with an + expression of countenance which almost amounted to energy, whispered + consolation. + </p> + <p> + The King sent for Popanilla; the message produced a great sensation; the + enlightened introducer of the new principles had not been at Court since + he was cut. No doubt his Majesty was at last impregnated with the liberal + spirit of the age; and Popanilla was assuredly to be Premier. In fact, it + must be so; he was ‘sent for;’ there was no precedent in Fantaisie, though + there might be in other islands, for a person being ‘sent for’ and not + being Premier. His disciples were in high spirits; the world was now to be + regulated upon right principles, and they were to be installed into their + right places. + </p> + <p> + ‘Illustrious Popanilla!’ said the King, ‘you once did me the honour of + making me a speech which, unfortunately for myself, I candidly confess, I + was then incapable of understanding; no wonder, as it was the first I ever + beard. I shall not, however, easily forget the effect which it produced + upon me. I have since considered it my duty, as a monarch, to pay + particular attention to your suggestions. I now understand them with + sufficient clearness to be fully convinced of their excellence, and in + future I intend to act upon them, without any exception or deviation. To + prove my sincerity, I have determined to commence the new system at once; + and as I think that, without some extension of our international + relations, the commercial interest of this island will be incapable of + furnishing the taxes which I intend to levy, I have determined, therefore, + to fit out an expedition for the purpose of discovering new islands and + forming relations with new islanders. It is but due to your merit that you + should be appointed to the command of it; and further to testify my + infinite esteem for your character, and my complete confidence in your + abilities, I make you post-captain on the spot. As the axiom of your + school seems to be that everything can be made perfect at once, without + time, without experience, without practice, and without preparation, I + have no doubt, with the aid of a treatise or two, You will make a + consummate naval commander, although you have never been at sea in the + whole course of your life. Farewell, Captain Popanilla!’ + </p> + <p> + No sooner was this adieu uttered than four brawny lords of the bed-chamber + seized the Turgot of Fantaisie by the shoulders, and carried him with + inconceivable rapidity to the shore. His pupils, who would have fled to + his rescue, were stifled with the embraces of their former partners, and + their utilitarianism dissolved in the arms of those they once so rudely + rejected. As for their tutor, he was thrust into one of the canoes, with + some fresh water, bread-fruit, dried fish, and a basket of + alligator-pears. A band of mermaids carried the canoe with exquisite + management through the shallows and over the breakers, and poor Popanilla + in a few minutes found himself out at sea. Tremendously frightened, he + offered to recant all his opinions, and denounce as traitors any + individuals whom the Court might select. But his former companions did not + exactly detect the utility of his return. His offers, his supplications, + were equally fruitless; and the only answer which floated to him on the + wind was, ‘Farewell, Captain Popanilla!’ + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER 6 + </h2> + <p> + Night fell upon the waters, dark and drear, and thick and misty. How + unlike those brilliant hours that once summoned him to revelry and love! + Unhappy Popanilla! Thy delicious Fantaisie has vanished! Ah, pitiable + youth! What could possibly have induced you to be so very rash? And all + from that unlucky lock of hair! + </p> + <p> + After a few natural paroxysms of rage, terror, anguish, and remorse, the + Captain as naturally subsided into despair, and awaited with sullen apathy + that fate which could not be far distant. The only thing which puzzled the + philosophical navigator was his inability to detect what useful end could + be attained by his death. At length, remembering that fish must be fed, + his theory and his desperation were at the same time confirmed. + </p> + <p> + A clear, dry morning succeeded the wet, gloomy night, and Popanilla had + not yet gone down. This extraordinary suspension of his fate roused him + from his stupor, and between the consequent excitement and the morning air + he acquired an appetite. Philosophical physicians appear to have agreed + that sorrow, to a certain extent, is not unfavourable to digestion; and as + Popanilla began to entertain some indefinite and unreasonable hopes, the + alligator-pears quickly disappeared. In the meantime the little canoe cut + her way, as if she were chasing a smuggler; and had it not been for a + shark or two who, in anticipation of their services being required, never + left her side for a second, Popanilla really might have made some + ingenious observations on the nature of tides. He was rather surprised, + certainly, as he watched his frail bark cresting the waves; but he soon + supposed that this was all in the natural course of things; and he now + ascribed his previous fright, not to the peril of his situation, but to + his inexperience of it. + </p> + <p> + Although his apprehension of being drowned was now removed, yet when he + gazed on the boundless vacancy before him, and also observed that his + provisions rapidly decreased, he began to fear that he was destined for a + still more horrible fate, and that, after having eaten his own slices, he + must submit to be starved. In this state of despondency, with infinite + delight and exultation Le clearly observed, on the second clay, at + twenty-seven minutes past three P.M., though at a considerable distance, a + mountain and an island. His joy and his pride were equal, and excessive: + he called the first Alligator Mountain, in gratitude to the pears; and + christened the second after his mistress, that unlucky mistress! The swift + canoe soon reached the discoveries, and the happy discoverer further + found, to his mortification, that the mountain was a mist and the island a + sea-weed. Popanilla now grew sulky, and threw himself down in the bottom + of his boat. + </p> + <p> + On the third morning he was awakened by a tremendous roar; on looking + around him he perceived that he was in a valley formed by two waves, each + several hundred feet high. This seemed the crisis of his fate; he shut his + eyes, as people do when they are touched by a dentist, and in a few + minutes was still bounding on the ocean in the eternal canoe, safe but + senseless. Some tremendous peals of thunder, a roaring wind, and a + scathing lightning confirmed his indisposition; and had not the tempest + subsided, Popanilla would probably have been an idiot for life. The dead + and soothing calm which succeeded this tornado called him back again + gradually to existence. He opened his eyes, and, scarcely daring to try a + sense, immediately shut them; then hearing a deep sigh, he shrugged his + shoulders, and looked as pitiable as a prime minister with a rebellious + cabinet. At length he ventured to lift up his head; there was not a + wrinkle on the face of ocean; a halcyon fluttered over him, and then + scudded before his canoe, and gamesome porpoises were tumbling at his + side. The sky was cloudless, except in the direction to which he was + driving; but even as Popanilla observed, with some misgivings, the mass of + vapours which had there congregated, the great square and solid black + clouds drew off like curtains, and revealed to his entranced vision a + magnificent city rising out of the sea. + </p> + <p> + Tower, and dome, and arch, column, and spire, and obelisk, and lofty + terraces, and many-windowed palaces, rose in all directions from a mass of + building which appeared to him each instant to grow more huge, till at + length it seemed to occupy the whole horizon. The sun lent additional + lustre to the dazzling quays of white marble which apparently surrounded + this mighty city, and which rose immediately from the dark blue waters. As + the navigator drew nearer, he observed that in most parts the quays were + crowded with beings who, he trusted, were human, and already the hum of + multitudes broke upon his inexperienced ear: to him a sound far more + mysterious and far more exciting than the most poetical of winds to the + most wind of poets. On the right of this vast city rose what was mistaken + by Popanilla for an immense but leafless forest; but more practical men + than the Fantaisian Captain have been equally confounded by the first + sight of a million of masts. + </p> + <p> + The canoe cut its way with increased rapidity, and ere Popanilla had + recovered himself sufficiently to make even an ejaculation, he found + himself at the side of a quay. Some amphibious creatures, whom he supposed + to be mermen, immediately came to his assistance, rather stared at his + serpent-skin coat, and then helped him up the steps. Popanilla was + instantly surrounded. + </p> + <p> + ‘Who are you?’ said one. + </p> + <p> + ‘What are you?’ asked another. + </p> + <p> + ‘Who is it?’ exclaimed a third. + </p> + <p> + ‘What is it?’ screamed a fourth. + </p> + <p> + ‘My friends, I am a man!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘A man!’ said the women; ‘are you sure you are a real man?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He must be a sea-god!’ said the females. + </p> + <p> + ‘She must be a sea-goddess!’ said the males. + </p> + <p> + ‘A Triton!’ maintained the women. + </p> + <p> + ‘A Nereid!’ argued the men. + </p> + <p> + ‘It is a great fish!’ said the boys. + </p> + <p> + Thanks to the Universal Linguist, Captain Popanilla, under these peculiar + circumstances, was more loquacious than could have been Captain Parry. + </p> + <p> + ‘Good people! you see before you the most injured of human beings.’ + </p> + <p> + This announcement inspired general enthusiasm. The women wept, the men + shook hands with him, and all the boys huzzaed. Popanilla proceeded:— + </p> + <p> + ‘Actuated by the most pure, the most patriotic, the most noble, the most + enlightened, and the most useful sentiments, I aspired to ameliorate the + condition of my fellowmen. To this grand object I have sacrificed all that + makes life delightful: I have lost my station in society, my taste for + dancing, my popularity with the men, my favour with the women; and last, + but, oh! not least (excuse this emotion), I have lost a very particular + lock of hair. In one word, my friends, you see before you, banished, + ruined, and unhappy, the victim of a despotic sovereign, a corrupt + aristocracy, and a misguided people.’ + </p> + <p> + No sooner had he ceased speaking than Popanilla really imagined that he + had only escaped the dangers of sedition and the sea to expire by less + hostile, though not less effective, means. To be strangled was not much + better than to be starved: and certainly, with half-a-dozen highly + respectable females clinging round his neck, he was not reminded for the + first time in his life what a domestic bowstring is an affectionate woman. + In an agony of suffocation he thought very little of his arms, although + the admiration of the men had already, in his imagination, separated these + useful members from his miserable body and had it not been for some + justifiable kicking and plunging, the veneration of the ingenuous and + surrounding youth, which manifested itself by their active exertions to + divide his singular garment into relics of a martyr of liberty, would soon + have effectually prevented the ill-starred Popanilla from being again + mistaken for a Nereid. Order was at length restored, and a committee of + eight appointed to regulate the visits of the increasing mob. + </p> + <p> + The arrangements were judicious; the whole populace was marshalled into + ranks; classes of twelve persons were allowed consecutively to walk past + the victim of tyranny, corruption, and ignorance; and each person had the + honour to touch his finger. During this proceeding, which lasted a few + hours, an influential personage generously offered to receive the eager + subscriptions of the assembled thousands. Even the boys subscribed, and + ere six hours had passed since his arrival as a coatless vagabond in this + liberal city, Captain Popanilla found himself a person of considerable + means. + </p> + <p> + The receiver of the subscriptions, while he crammed Popanilla’s + serpent-skin pockets fall of gold pieces, at the same time kindly offered + the stranger to introduce him to an hotel. Popanilla, who was quite beside + himself, could only bow his assent, and mechanically accompanied his + conductor. When he had regained his faculty of speech, he endeavoured, in + wandering sentences of grateful incoherency, to express his deep sense of + this unparalleled liberality. ‘It was an excess of generosity in which + mankind could never have before indulged!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘By no means!’ said his companion, with great coolness; ‘far from this + being an unparalleled affair, I assure you it is a matter of hourly + occurrence; make your mind quite easy. You are probably not aware that you + are now living in the richest and the most charitable country in the + world?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Wonderful!’ said Popanilla; ‘and what is the name, may I ask, of this + charitable city?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Is it possible,’ said his companion, with a faint smile, ‘that you are + ignorant of the great city of Hubbabub; the largest city not only that + exists, but that ever did exist, and the capital of the island of + Vraibleusia, the most famous island not only that is known, but that ever + was known?’ + </p> + <p> + While he was speaking they were accosted by a man upon crutches, who, + telling them in a broken voice that he had a wife and twelve infant + children dependent on his support, supplicated a little charity. Popanilla + was about to empty part of his pocketfuls into the mendicant’s cap, but + his companion repressed his unphilosophical facility. ‘By no means!’ said + his friend, who, turning round to the beggar, advised him, in a mild + voice, to work; calmly adding, that if he presumed to ask charity again he + should certainly have him bastinadoed. Then they walked on. + </p> + <p> + Popanilla’s attention was so distracted by the variety, the number, the + novelty, and the noise of the objects which were incessantly hurried upon + his observation, that he found no time to speak; and as his companion, + though exceedingly polite, was a man of few words, conversation rather + flagged. + </p> + <p> + At last, overwhelmed by the magnificence of the streets, the splendour of + the shops, the number of human beings, the rattling of the vehicles, the + dashing of the horses, and a thousand other sounds and objects, Popanilla + gave loose to a loud and fervent wish that his hotel might have the good + fortune of being situated in this interesting quarter. + </p> + <p> + ‘By no means!’ said his companion; ‘we have yet much further to go. Far + from this being a desirable situation for you, my friend, no civilised + person is ever seen here; and had not the cause of civil and religious + liberty fortunately called me to the water-side to-day, I should have lost + the opportunity of showing how greatly I esteem a gentleman who has + suffered so severely in the cause of national amelioration.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Sir!’ said Popanilla, ‘your approbation is the only reward which I ever + shall desire for my exertions. You will excuse me for not quite keeping up + with you; but the fact is, my pockets are so stuffed with cash that the + action of my legs is greatly impeded.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Credit me, my friend, that you are suffering from an inconvenience which + you will not long experience in Hubbabub. Nevertheless, to remedy it at + present, I think the best thing we can do is to buy a purse.’ + </p> + <p> + They accordingly entered a shop where such an article might be found, and + taking up a small sack, for Popanilla was very rich, his companion + inquired its price, which he was informed was four crowns. No sooner had + the desired information been given than the proprietor of the opposite + shop rushed in, and offered him the same article for three crowns. The + original merchant, not at all surprised at the intrusion, and not the + least apologising for his former extortion, then demanded two. His rival, + being more than his match, he courteously dropped upon his knee, and + requested his customer to accept the article gratis, for his sake. The + generous dealer would infallibly have carried the day, had not his rival + humbly supplicated the purchaser not only to receive his article as a + gift, but also the compliment of a crown inside. + </p> + <p> + ‘What a terrible cheat the first merchant must have been!’ said the + puzzled Popanilla, as they proceeded on their way. + </p> + <p> + ‘By no means!’ said his calm companion; ‘the purse was sufficiently, cheap + even at four crowns. This is not Cheatery; this is Competition!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What a wonderful nation, then, this must be, where you not only get + purses gratis but even well loaded! What use, then, is all this heavy + gold? It is a tremendous trouble to carry; I will empty the bag into this + kennel, for money surely can be of no use in a city where, when in want of + cash, you have only to go into a shop and buy a purse!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Your pardon!’ said his companion; ‘far from this being the case, + Vraibleusia is, without doubt, the dearest country in the world.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘If, then,’ said the inquisitive Popanilla, with great animation, ‘if, + then, this country be the dearest in the world; if, how—’ + </p> + <p> + ‘My good friend!’ said his companion, ‘I really am the last person in the + world to answer questions. All that I know is, that this country is + extremely dear, and that the only way to get things cheap is to encourage + Competition.’ + </p> + <p> + Here the progress of his companion was impeded for some time by a great + crowd, which had assembled to catch a glimpse of a man who was to fly off + a steeple, but who had not yet arrived. A chimney-sweeper observed to a + scientific friend that probably the density of the atmosphere might + prevent the intended volitation; and Popanilla, who, having read almost as + many pamphlets as the observer, now felt quite at home, exceedingly + admired the observation. + </p> + <p> + ‘He must be a very superior man, this gentleman in black!’ said Popanilla + to his companion. + </p> + <p> + ‘By no means! he is of the lowest class in society. But you are probably + not aware that you are in the most educated country in the world.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Delightful!’ said Popanilla. + </p> + <p> + The Captain was exceedingly desirous of witnessing the flight of the + Vraibleusian Daedalus, but his friend advised their progress. This, + however, was not easy; and Popanilla, animated for the moment by his + natural aristocratic disposition, and emboldened by his superior size and + strength, began to clear his way in a manner which was more cogent than + logical. The chimney-sweeper and his comrades were soon in arms, and + Popanilla would certainly have been killed or ducked by this superior man + and his friends, had it not been for the mild remonstrance of his + conductor and the singular appearance of his costume. + </p> + <p> + ‘What could have induced you to be so imprudent?’ said his rescuer, when + they had escaped from the crowd. + </p> + <p> + ‘Truly,’ said Popanilla, ‘I thought that in a country where you may + bastinado the wretch who presumes to ask you for alms, there could surely + be no objection to my knocking down the scoundrel who dared to stand in my + way.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘By no means!’ said his friend, slightly elevating his eye-brows. ‘Here + all men are equal. You are probably not aware that you are at present in + the freest country in the world.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I do not exactly understand you; what is this freedom?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘My good friend, I really am the last person in the world to answer + questions. Freedom is, in one word, Liberty: a kind of thing which you + foreigners never can understand, and which mere theory can make no man + understand. When you have been in the island a few weeks all will be quite + clear to you. In the meantime, do as others do, and never knock men down!’ + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER 7 + </h2> + <p> + ‘Although we are yet some way from our hotel,’ remarked Popanilla’s + conductor, ‘we have now arrived at a part of the city where I can ease + you, without difficulty, from your troublesome burthen; let us enter + here!’ + </p> + <p> + As he spoke, they stopped before a splendid palace, and proceeding through + various halls full of individuals apparently intently busied, the + companions were at last ushered into an apartment of smaller size, but of + more elegant character. A personage of prepossessing appearance was + lolling on a couch of an appearance equally prepossessing. Before him, on + a table, were some papers, exquisite fruits, and some liqueurs. Popanilla + was presented, and received with fascinating complaisance. His friend + stated the object of their visit, and handed the sackful of gold to the + gentleman on the sofa. The gentleman on the sofa ordered a couple of + attendants to ascertain its contents. While this computation was going on + he amused his guests by his lively conversation, and charmed Popanilla by + his polished manners and easy civility. He offered him, during his stay in + Vraibleusia, the use of a couple of equipages, a villa, and an opera-box; + insisted upon sending to his hotel some pine-apples and some rare wine, + and gave him a perpetual ticket to his picture-gallery. When his + attendants had concluded their calculation, he ordered them to place + Popanilla’s precious metal in his treasury; and then, presenting the + Captain with a small packet of pink shells, he kindly inquired whether he + could be of any further use to him. Popanilla was loth to retire without + his gold, of the utility of which, in spite of the convenience of + competition, he seemed to possess an instinctive conception; but as his + friend rose and withdrew, he could do nothing less than accompany him; + for, having now known him nearly half a day, his confidence in his honour + and integrity was naturally unbounded. + </p> + <p> + ‘That was the King, of course?’ said Popanilla, when they were fairly out + of the palace. + </p> + <p> + ‘The King!’ said the unknown, nearly surprised into an exclamation; ‘by no + means!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And what then?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘My good friend! is it possible that you have no bankers in your country?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Yes, it is very possible; but we have mermaids, who also give us shells + which are pretty. What then are your bankers?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Really, my good friend, that is a question which I never remember having + been asked before; but a banker is a man who keeps our money for us.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Ah! and he is bound, I suppose, to return your money, when you choose?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Most assuredly!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He is, then, in fact, your servant: you must pay him handsomely, for him + to live so well?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘By no means! we pay him nothing.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘That is droll; he must be very rich then?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Really, my dear friend, I cannot say. Why, yes! I—I suppose he may + be very rich!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Tis singular that a rich man should take so much trouble for others!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘My good friend! of course he lives by his trouble.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Ah! How, then,’ continued the inquisitive Fantaisian, ‘if you do not pay + him for his services, and he yet lives by them; how, I pray, does he + acquire these immense riches?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Really, my good sir, I am, in truth, the very last man in the world to + answer questions: he is a banker; bankers are always rich; but why they + are, or how they are, I really never had time to inquire. But I suppose, + if the truth were known, they must have very great opportunities.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Ah! I begin to see,’ said Popanilla. ‘It was really very kind of him,’ + continued the Captain, ‘to make me a present of these little pink shells: + what would I not give to turn them into a necklace, and send it to a + certain person at Fantaisie!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘It would be a very expensive necklace,’ observed his companion, almost + surprised. ‘I had no idea, I confess, from your appearance, that in your + country they indulged in such expensive tastes in costume.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Expensive!’ said Popanilla. ‘We certainly have no such shells as these in + Fantaisie; but we have much more beautiful ones. I should think, from + their look, they must be rather common.’ + </p> + <p> + His conductor for the first time nearly laughed. ‘I forgot,’ said he, + ‘that you could not be aware that these pink shells are the most precious + coin of the land, compared with which those bits of gold with which you + have recently parted are nothing; your whole fortune is now in that little + packet. The fact is,’ continued the unknown, making an effort to + communicate, ‘although we possess in this country more of the precious + metals than all the rest of the world together, the quantity is + nevertheless utterly disproportioned to the magnitude of our wealth and + our wants. We have been, therefore, under the necessity of resorting to + other means of representing the first and supplying the second; and, + taking advantage of our insular situation, we have introduced these small + pink shells, which abound all round the coast. Being much more convenient + to carry, they are in general circulation, and no genteel person has ever + anything else in his pocket.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Wonderful! But surely, then, it is no very difficult thing in this + country to accumulate a fortune, since all that is necessary to give you + every luxury of life is a stroll one morning of your existence along the + beach?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘By no means, my friend! you are really too rapid. The fact is, that no + one has the power of originally circulating these shells but our + Government; and if any one, by any chance, choose to violate this + arrangement, we make up for depriving him of his solitary walks on the + shore by instant submersion in the sea.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Then the whole circulation of the country is at the mercy of your + Government?’ remarked Popanilla, summoning to his recollection the + contents of one of those shipwrecked brochures which had exercised so + strange an influence on his destiny. ‘Suppose they do not choose to + issue?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘That is always guarded against. The mere quarterly payments of interest + upon our national debt will secure an ample supply.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Debt! I thought you were the richest nation in the world?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Tis true; nevertheless, if there were a golden pyramid with a base as big + as the whole earth and an apex touching the heavens, it would not supply + us with sufficient metal to satisfy our creditors.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘But, my dear sir,’ exclaimed the perplexed Popanilla, ‘if this really be + true, how then can you be said to be the richest nation in the world?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘It is very simple. The annual interest upon our debt exceeds the whole + wealth of the rest of the world; therefore we must be the richest nation + in the world.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Tis true,’ said Popanilla; ‘I see I have yet much to learn. But with + regard to these pink shells, how can you possibly create for them a + certain standard of value? It is merely agreement among yourselves that + fixes any value to them.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘By no means! you are so rapid! Each shell is immediately convertible into + gold; of which metal, let me again remind you, we possess more than any + other nation; but which, indeed, we only keep as a sort of dress coin, + chiefly to indulge the prejudices of foreigners.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘But,’ said the perpetual Popanilla, ‘suppose every man who held a shell + on the same day were to—’ + </p> + <p> + ‘My good friend! I really am the last person in the world to give + explanations. In Vraibleusia, we have so much to do that we have no time + to think; a habit which only becomes nations who are not employed. You are + now fast approaching the Great Shell Question; a question which, I + confess, affects the interests of every man in this island more than any + other; but of which, I must candidly own, every man in this island is more + ignorant than of any other. No one, however, can deny that the system + works well; and if anything at any time go wrong, why really Mr. Secretary + Periwinkle is a wonderful man, and our most eminent conchologist. He, no + doubt, will set it right; and if, by any chance, things are past even his + management, why then, I suppose, to use our national motto, something will + turn up.’ + </p> + <p> + Here they arrived at the hotel. Having made every arrangement for the + comfort and convenience of the Fantaisian stranger, Popanilla’s conductor + took his leave, previously informing him that his name was Skindeep; that + he was a member of one of the largest families in the island; that, had he + not been engaged to attend a lecture, he would have stayed and dined with + him; but that he would certainly call upon him on the morrow. + </p> + <p> + Compared with his hotel the palace of his banker was a dungeon; even the + sunset voluptuousness of Fantaisie was now remembered without regret in + the blaze of artificial light and in the artificial gratification of + desires which art had alone created. After a magnificent repast, his host + politely inquired of Popanilla whether he would like to go to the Opera, + the comedy, or a concert; but the Fantaisian philosopher was not yet quite + corrupted; and, still inspired with a desire to acquire useful knowledge, + he begged his landlord to procure him immediately a pamphlet on the Shell + Question. + </p> + <p> + While his host was engaged in procuring this luxury a man entered the room + and told Popanilla that he had walked that day two thousand five hundred + paces, and that the tax due to the Excise upon this promenade was fifty + crowns. The Captain stared, and remarked to the excise-officer that he + thought a man’s paces were a strange article to tax. The excise-officer, + with great civility, answered that no doubt at first sight it might appear + rather strange, but that it was the only article left untaxed in + Vraibleusia; that there was a slight deficiency in the last quarter’s + revenue, and that therefore the Government had no alternative; that it was + a tax which did not press heavily upon the individual, because the + Vraibleusians were of a sedentary habit; that, besides, it was an opinion + every day more received among the best judges that the more a man was + taxed the richer he ultimately would prove; and he concluded by saying + that Popanilla need not make himself uneasy about these demands, because, + if he were ruined to-morrow, being a foreigner, he was entitled by the law + of the land to five thousand a-year; whereas he, the excise-man, being a + native-born Vraibleusian, had no claims whatever upon the Government; + therefore he hoped his honour would give him something to drink. + </p> + <p> + His host now entered with the ‘Novum Organon’ of the great Periwinkle. + While Popanilla devoured the lively pages of this treatise, he discovered + that the system which had been so subtilely introduced by the Government, + and which had so surprised him in the morning, had soon been adopted in + private life; and although it was a drowning matter to pick up pink + shells, still there was nothing to prevent the whole commerce of the + country from being carried on by means of a system equally conchological. + He found that the social action in every part of the island was regulated + and assisted by this process. Oyster-shells were first introduced; + muscle-shells speedily followed; and, as commerce became more complicate, + they had even been obliged to have recourse to snail-shells. Popanilla + retired to rest with admiration of the people who thus converted to the + most useful purposes things apparently so useless. There was no saying now + what might not be done even with a nutshell. It was evident that the + nation who contrived to be the richest people in the world while they were + over head and ears in debt must be fast approaching to a state of + perfection. Finally, sinking to sleep in a bed of eiderdown, Popanilla was + confirmed in his prejudices against a state of nature. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER 8 + </h2> + <p> + Skindeep called upon Popanilla on the following morning in an elegant + equipage, and with great politeness proposed to attend him in a drive + about the city. + </p> + <p> + The island of Vraibleusia is one hundred and fifty miles in circumference, + two-thirds of which are covered by the city of Hubbabub. It contains no + other city, town, or village. The rest of the island consists of rivers, + canals, and railroads. Popanilla was surprised when he was informed that + Hubbabub did not contain more than five millions of inhabitants; but his + surprise was decreased when their journey occasionally lay through tracts + of streets, consisting often of capacious mansions entirely tenantless. On + seeking an explanation of this seeming desolation, he was told that the + Hubbabubians were possessed by a frenzy of always moving on, westward; and + that consequently great quarters of the city are perpetually deserted. + Even as Skindeep was speaking their passage was stopped by a large caravan + of carriages and wagons heavily laden with human creatures and their + children and chattels. On Skindeep inquiring the cause of this great + movement, he was informed by one on horseback, who seemed to be the leader + of the horde, that they were the late dwellers in sundry squares and + streets situated far to the east; that their houses having been ridiculed + by an itinerant balladeer, the female part of the tribe had insisted upon + immediately quitting their unfashionable fatherland; and that now, after + three days’ journey, they had succeeded in reaching the late settlement of + a horde who had migrated to the extreme west. + </p> + <p> + Quitting regions so subject to revolutions and vicissitudes, the + travellers once more emerged into quarters of a less transitory + reputation; and in the magnificent parks, the broad streets, the ample + squares, the palaces, the triumphal arches, and the theatres of occidental + Hubbabub, Popanilla lost those sad and mournful feelings which are ever + engendered by contemplating the gloomy relics of departed greatness. It + was impossible to admire too much the architecture of this part of the + city. The elevations were indeed imposing. In general, the massy Egyptian + appropriately graced the attic-stories; while the finer and more elaborate + architecture of Corinth was placed on a level with the eye, so that its + beauties might be more easily discovered. Spacious colonnades were flanked + by porticoes, surmounted by domes; nor was the number of columns at all + limited, for you occasionally met with porticos of two tiers, the lower + one of which consisted of three, the higher one of thirty columns. + Pedestals of the purest Ionic Gothic were ingeniously intermixed with + Palladian pediments; and the surging spire exquisitely harmonised with the + horizontal architecture of the ancients. But perhaps, after all, the most + charming effect was produced by the pyramids, surmounted by weather-cocks. + </p> + <p> + Popanilla was particularly pleased by some chimneys of Caryatides, and did + not for a moment hesitate in assenting to the assertion of Skindeep that + the Vraibleusians were the most architectural nation in the world. True it + was, they had begun late; their attention as a people having been, for a + considerable time, attracted to much more important affairs; but they had + compensated for their tardy attention by their speedy excellence. * + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * See a work which will be shortly published, entitled, ‘The + difference detected between Architecture and Parchitecture,’ + by Sansovino the Second. +</pre> + <p> + Before they returned home Skindeep led Popanilla to the top of a tower, + from whence they had a complete view of the whole island. Skindeep + particularly directed the Captain’s attention to one spot, where + flourished, as he said, the only corn-fields in the country, which + supplied the whole nation, and were the property of one individual. So + unrivalled was his agricultural science that the vulgar only accounted for + his admirable produce by a miraculous fecundity! The proprietor of these + hundred golden acres was a rather mysterious sort of personage. He was an + aboriginal inhabitant, and, though the only one of the aborigines in + existence, had lived many centuries, and, to the consternation of some of + the Vraibleusians and the exultation of others, exhibited no signs of + decay. This awful being was without a name. When spoken of by his admirers + he was generally described by such panegyrical periphrases as ‘soul of the + country,’ ‘foundation of the State,’ ‘the only real, and true, and + substantial being;’ while, on the other hand, those who presumed to differ + from those sentiments were in the habit of styling him ‘the dead weight,’ + ‘the vampire,’ ‘the night-mare,’ and other titles equally complimentary. + They also maintained that, instead of being either real or substantial, he + was, in fact, the most flimsy and fictitious personage in the whole + island; and then, lashing themselves up into metaphor, they would call him + a meteor, or a vapour, or a great windy bubble, that would some day burst. + </p> + <p> + The Aboriginal insisted that it was the common law of the land that the + islanders should purchase their corn only of him. They grumbled, but he + growled; he swore that it was the constitution of the country; that there + was an uninterrupted line of precedents to confirm the claim; and that, if + they did not approve of the arrangement, they and their fathers should not + have elected to have settled, or presumed to have been spawned, upon his + island. Then, as if he were not desirous of resting his claim on its mere + legal merits, he would remind them of the superiority of his grain, and + the impossibility of a scarcity, in the event of which calamity an insular + people could always find a plentiful though temporary resource in + sea-weed. He then clearly proved to them that, if ever they had the + imprudence to change any of their old laws, they would necessarily never + have more than one meal a day as long as they lived. Finally, he recalled + to their recollection that he had made the island what it was, that he was + their mainstay, and that his counsel and exertions had rendered them the + wonder of the world. Thus, between force, and fear, and flattery, the + Vraibleusians paid for their corn nearly its weight in gold; but what did + that signify to a nation with so many pink shells! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER 9 + </h2> + <p> + The third day after his drive with his friend Skindeep, Popanilla was + waited upon by the most eminent bookseller in Hubbabub, who begged to have + the honour of introducing to the public a Narrative of Captain Popanilla’s + Voyage. This gentleman assured Popanilla that the Vraibleusian public were + nervously alive to anything connected with discovery; that so ardent was + their attachment to science and natural philosophy that voyages and + travels were sure to be read with eagerness, particularly if they had + coloured plates. Popanilla was charmed with the proposition, but + blushingly informed the mercantile Maecenas that he did not know how to + write. The publisher told him that this circumstance was not of the + slightest importance; that he had never for a moment supposed that so + sublime a savage could possess such a vulgar accomplishment; and that it + was by no means difficult for a man to publish his travels without writing + a line of them. + </p> + <p> + Popanilla having consented to become an author upon these terms, the + publisher asked him to dine with him, and introduced him to an intelligent + individual. This intelligent individual listened attentively to all + Popanilla’s adventures. The Captain concealed nothing. He began with the + eternal lock of hair, and showed how wonderfully this world was + constituted, that even the loss of a thing was not useless; from which it + was clear that Utility was Providence. After drinking some capital wine, + the intelligent individual told Popanilla that he was wrong in supposing + Fantaisie to be an island; that, on the contrary, it was a great + continent; that this was proved by the probable action of the tides in the + part of the island which had not yet been visited; that the consequence of + these tides would be that, in the course of a season or two, Fantaisie + would become a great receptacle for icebergs, and be turned into the North + Pole; that, therefore, the seasons throughout the world would be changed; + that this year, in Vraibleusia, the usual winter would be omitted, and + that when the present summer was finished the dog-days would again + commence. Popanilla took his leave highly delighted with this intelligent + individual and with the bookseller’s wine. + </p> + <p> + Owing to the competition which existed between the publishers, the + printers, and the engravers of the city of Hubbabub, and the great + exertions of the intelligent individual, the Narrative of Captain + Popanilla’s Voyage was brought out in less than a week, and was + immediately in everybody’s hand. The work contained a detailed account of + everything which took place daring the whole of the three days, and formed + a quarto volume. The plates were numerous and highly interesting, There + was a line engraving of Alligator Mountain and a mezzotint of Seaweed + Island; a view of the canoe N.E.; a view of the canoe N.W.; a view of the + canoe S.E.; a view of the canoe S.W. There were highly-finished coloured + drawings of the dried fish and the breadfruit, and an exquisitely tinted + representation of the latter in a mouldy state. But the chef-d’oeuvre was + the portrait of the Author himself. He was represented trampling on the + body of a boa constrictor of the first quality, in the skin of which he + was dressed; at his back were his bow and arrows; his right hand rested on + an uprooted pine-tree; he stood in a desert between two volcanoes; at his + feet was a lake of magnitude; the distance lowered with an approaching + tornado; but a lucky flash of lightning revealed the range of the Andes + and both oceans. Altogether he looked the most dandified of savages, and + the most savage of dandies. It was a sublime lithograph, and produced + scarcely less important effects upon Popanilla’s fortune than that lucky + ‘lock of hair;’ for no sooner was the portrait published than Popanilla + received a ticket for the receptions of a lady of quality. On showing it + to Skindeep, he was told that the honour was immense, and therefore he + must go by all means. Skindeep regretted that he could not accompany him, + but he was engaged to a lecture on shoemaking; and a lecture was a thing + he made it a point never to miss, because, as he very properly observed, + ‘By lectures you may become extremely well informed without any of the + inconveniences of study. No fixity of attention, no continuity of + meditation, no habits of reflection, no aptitude of combination, are the + least requisite; all which things only give you a nervous headache; and + yet you gain all the results of all these processes. True it is that that + which is so easily acquired is not always so easily remembered; but what + of that? Suppose you forget any subject, why then you go to another + lecture.’ ‘Very true!’ said Popanilla. + </p> + <p> + Popanilla failed not to remember his invitation from Lady Spirituelle; and + at the proper hour his announcement produced a sensation throughout her + crowded saloons. + </p> + <p> + Spirituelle was a most enchanting lady; she asked Popanilla how tall he + really was, and whether the women in Fantaisie were as handsome as the + men. Then she said that the Vraibleusians were the most intellectual and + the most scientific nation in the world, and that the society at her house + was the most intellectual and the most scientific in Vraibleusia. She told + him also that she had hoped by this season the world would have been + completely regulated by mind; but that the subversion of matter was a more + substantial business than she and the Committee of Management had + imagined: she had no doubt, however, that in a short time mind must carry + the day, because matter was mortal and mind eternal; therefore mind had + the best chance. Finally, she also told him that the passions were the + occasion of all the misery which had ever existed; and that it was + impossible for mankind either to be happy or great until, like herself and + her friends, they were ‘all soul.’ + </p> + <p> + Popanilla was charmed with his company. What a difference between the + calm, smiling, easy, uninteresting, stupid, sunset countenances of + Fantaisie and those around him. All looked so interested and so + intelligent; their eyes were so anxious, their gestures so animated, their + manners so earnest. They must be very clever! He drew nearer. If before he + were charmed, now he was enchanted. What an universal acquisition of + useful knowledge! Three or four dukes were earnestly imbibing a new theory + of gas from a brilliant little gentleman in black, who looked like a + Will-o’-the-wisp. The Prime Minister was anxious about pin-making; a + Bishop equally interested in a dissertation on the escapements of watches; + a Field-Marshal not less intent on a new specific from the concentrated + essence of hellebore. But what most delighted Popanilla was hearing a + lecture from the most eminent lawyer and statesman in Vraibleusia on his + first and favourite study of hydrostatics. His associations quite overcame + him: all Fantaisie rushed upon his memory, and he was obliged to retire to + a less frequented part of the room to relieve his too excited feelings. + </p> + <p> + He was in a few minutes addressed by the identical little gentleman who + had recently been speculating with the three dukes. + </p> + <p> + The little gentleman told him that he had heard with great pleasure that + in Fantaisie they had no historians, poets, or novelists. He proved to + Popanilla that no such thing as experience existed; that, as the world was + now to be regulated on quite different principles from those by which it + had hitherto been conducted, similar events to those which had occurred + could never again take place; and therefore it was absolutely useless to + know anything about the past. With regard to literary fiction, he + explained that, as it was absolutely necessary, from his nature, that man + should experience a certain quantity of excitement, the false interest + which these productions created prevented their readers from obtaining + this excitement by methods which, by the discovery of the useful, might + greatly benefit society. + </p> + <p> + ‘You are of opinion, then,’ exclaimed the delighted Popanilla, ‘that + nothing is good which is not useful?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Is it possible that an individual exists in this world who doubts this + great first principle?’ said the little man, with great animation. + </p> + <p> + ‘Ah, my dear friend!’ said Popanilla, ‘if you only knew what an avowal of + this great first principle has cost me; what I have suffered; what I have + lost!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What have you lost?’ asked the little gentleman. + </p> + <p> + ‘In the first place, a lock of hair—’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Poh, nonsense!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Ah! you may say Poh! but it was a particular lock of hair.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘My friend, that word is odious. Nothing is particular, everything is + general. Rules are general, feelings are general, and property should be + general; and, sir, I tell you what, in a very short time it must be so. + Why should Lady Spirituelle, for instance, receive me at her house, rather + than I receive her at mine?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Why don’t you, then?’ asked the simple Popanilla. + </p> + <p> + ‘Because I have not got one, sir!’ roared the little gentleman. + </p> + <p> + He would certainly have broken away had not Popanilla begged him to answer + one question. The Captain, reiterating in the most solemn manner his firm + belief in the dogma that nothing was good which was not useful, and again + detailing the persecutions which this conviction had brought upon him, was + delighted that an opportunity was now afforded to gain from the lips of a + distinguished philosopher a definition of what utility really was. The + distinguished philosopher could not refuse so trifling a favour. + </p> + <p> + ‘Utility,’ said he, ‘is—’ + </p> + <p> + At this critical moment there was a universal buzz throughout the rooms, + and everybody looked so interested that the philosopher quite forgot to + finish his answer. On inquiring the cause of this great sensation, + Popanilla was informed that a rumour was about that a new element had been + discovered that afternoon. The party speedily broke up, the principal + philosophers immediately rushing to their clubs to ascertain the truth of + this report. Popanilla was unfashionable enough to make his + acknowledgments to his hostess before he left her house. As he gazed upon + her ladyship’s brilliant eyes and radiant complexion, he felt convinced of + the truth of her theory of the passions; he could not refrain from + pressing her hand in a manner which violated etiquette, and which a + nativity in the Indian Ocean could alone excuse; the pressure was + graciously returned. As Popanilla descended the staircase, he discovered a + little note of pink satin paper entangled in his ruffle. He opened it with + curiosity. It was ‘All soul.’ He did not return to his hotel quite so soon + as he expected. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER 10 + </h2> + <p> + Popanilla breakfasted rather late the next morning, and on looking over + the evening papers, which were just published, his eyes lighted on the + following paragraph:— + </p> + <p> + ‘Arrived yesterday at the Hotel Diplomatique, His Excellency Prince + Popanilla, Ambassador Extraordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary from the + newly-recognised State of Fantaisie.’ + </p> + <p> + Before his Excellency could either recover from his astonishment or make + any inquiries which might throw any illustration upon its cause, a loud + shout in the street made him naturally look out of the window. He observed + three or four magnificent equipages drawing up at the door of the hotel, + and followed by a large crowd. Each carriage was drawn by four horses, and + attended by footmen so radiant with gold and scarlet that, had Popanilla + been the late ingenious Mr. Keates, he would have mistaken them for the + natural children of Phoebus and Aurora. The Ambassador forgot the + irregularity of the paragraph in the splendour of the liveries. He felt + triumphantly conscious that the most beautiful rose in the world must look + extremely pale by the side of scarlet cloth; and this new example of the + superiority of art over nature reminding him of the inferiority of + bread-fruit to grilled muffin, he resolved to return to breakfast. + </p> + <p> + But it was his fate to be reminded of the inutility of the best + resolutions, for ere the cup of coffee had touched his parched lips the + door of his room flow open, and the Marquess of Moustache was announced. + </p> + <p> + His Lordship was a young gentleman with an expressive countenance; that is + to say, his face was so covered with hair, and the back of his head + cropped so bald, that you generally addressed him in the rear by mistake. + He did not speak, but continued bowing for a considerable time, in that + diplomatic manner which means so much. By the time he had finished bowing + his suite had gained the apartment, and his Private Secretary, one of + those uncommonly able men who only want an opportunity, seized the present + one of addressing Popanilla. + </p> + <p> + Bowing to the late Captain with studied respect, he informed him that the + Marquess Moustache was the nobleman appointed by the Government of + Vraibleusia to attend upon his Excellency during the first few weeks of + his mission, with the view of affording him all information upon those + objects which might naturally be expected to engage the interest or + attract the attention of so distinguished a personage. The ‘ancien marin’ + and present Ambassador had been so used to miracles since the loss of that + lock of hair, that he did not think it supernatural, having during the + last few days been in turn a Fantaisian nobleman, a post-captain, a fish, + a goddess, and, above all, an author, he should now be transformed into a + plenipotentiary. Drinking, therefore, his cup of coffee, he assumed an air + as if he really were used to have a Marquess for an attendant, and said + that he was at his Lordship’s service. + </p> + <p> + The Marquess bowed low, and the Private Secretary remarked that the first + thing to be done by his Excellency was to be presented to the Government. + After that he was to visit all the manufactories in Vraibleusia, subscribe + to all the charities, and dine with all the Corporations, attend a + dejeuner a la fourchette at a palace they were at present building under + the sea, give a gold plate to be run for on the fashionable racecourse, be + present at morning prayers at the Government Chapel, hunt once or twice, + give a dinner or two himself, make one pun, and go to the Play, by which + various means, he said, the good understanding between the two countries + would be materially increased and, in a manner, established. + </p> + <p> + As the Fantaisian Ambassador and his suite entered their carriages, the + sky, if it had not been for the smoke, would certainly have been rent by + the acclamations of the mob. ‘Popanilla for ever!’ sounded from all + quarters, except where the shout was varied by ‘Vraibleusia and Fantaisie + against the world!’ which perhaps was even the most popular sentiment of + the two. The Ambassador was quite agitated, and asked the Marquess what he + was to do. The Private Secretary told his Excellency to bow. Popanilla + bowed with such grace that in five minutes the horses were taken out of + his carriage, and that carriage dragged in triumph by the enthusiastic + populace. He continued bowing, and their enthusiasm continued increasing. + In the meantime his Excellency’s portrait was sketched by an artist who + hung upon his wheel, and in less than half an hour a lithographic likeness + of the popular idol was worshipped in every print-shop in Hubbabub. + </p> + <p> + As they drew nearer the Hall of Audience the crowd kept increasing, till + at length the whole city seemed poured forth to meet him. Although now + feeling conscious that he was the greatest man in the island, and + therefore only thinking of himself, Popanilla’s attention was nevertheless + at this moment attracted by, a singular figure. He was apparently a man: + in stature a Patagonian, and robust as a well-fed ogre. His countenance + was jolly, but consequential; and his costume a curious mixture of a + hunting-dress and a court suit. He was on foot, and in spite of the crowd, + with the aid of a good whip and his left fist made his way with great + ease. On inquiring who this extraordinary personage might be, Popanilla + was informed that it was THE ABORIGINAL INHABITANT. As the giant passed + the Ambassador’s carriages, the whole suite, even Lord Moustache, rose and + bent low; and the Secretary told Popanilla that there was no person in the + island for whom the Government of Vraibleusia entertained so profound a + respect. + </p> + <p> + The crowd was now so immense that even the progress of the Aboriginal + Inhabitant was for a moment impeded. The great man got surrounded by a + large body of little mechanics. The contrast between the pale perspiring + visages and lean forms of these emaciated and half-generated creatures, + and the jolly form and ruddy countenance, gigantic limbs and ample frame, + of the Aboriginal, was most striking; nor could any one view the group for + an instant without feeling convinced that the latter was really a superior + existence. The mechanics, who were worn by labour, not reduced by famine, + far from being miserable, were impudent. They began rating the mighty one + for the dearness of his corn. He received their attacks with mildness. He + reminded them that the regulation by which they procured their bread was + the aboriginal law of the island, under which they had all so greatly + flourished. He explained to them that it was owing to this protecting + principle that he and his ancestors, having nothing to do but to hunt and + shoot, had so preserved their health that, unlike the rest of the human + race, they had not degenerated from the original form and nature of man. + He showed that it was owing to the vigour of mind and body consequent upon + this fine health that Vraibleusia had become the wonder of the world, and + that they themselves were so actively employed; and he inferred that they + surely could not grudge him the income which he derived, since that income + was, in fact, the foundation of their own profits. He then satisfactorily + demonstrated to them that if by any circumstances he were to cease to + exist, the whole island would immediately sink under the sea. Having thus + condescended to hold a little parley with his fellow-subjects, though not + follow-creatures, he gave them all a good sound flogging, and departed + amidst the enthusiastic cheering of those whom he had so briskly lashed. + </p> + <p> + By this time Popanilla had arrived at the Hall of Audience. + </p> + <p> + ‘It was a vast and venerable pile.’ + </p> + <p> + His Excellency and suite quitted their carriages amidst the renewed + acclamations of the mob. Proceeding through a number of courts and + quadrangles, crowded with guards and officials, they stopped before a + bronze gate of great height. Over it was written, in vast characters of + living flame, this inscription: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + TO + THE WISEST AND THE BEST, + THE RICHEST AND THE MIGHTIEST, + THE GLORY AND THE ADMIRATION, + THE DEFENCE AND THE CONSTERNATION. +</pre> + <p> + On reading this mysterious inscription his Excellency experienced a sudden + and awful shudder. Lord Moustache, however, who was more used to + mysteries, taking up a silver trumpet, which was fixed to the portal by a + crimson cord, gave a loud blast. The gates flew open with the sound of a + whirlwind, and Popanilla found himself in what at first appeared an + illimitable hall. It was crowded, but perfect order was preserved. The + Ambassador was conducted with great pomp to the upper end of the + apartment, where, after an hour’s walk, his Excellency arrived. At the + extremity of the hall was a colossal and metallic Statue of extraordinary + appearance. It represented an armed monarch. The head and bust were of + gold, and the curling hair was crowned with an imperial diadem; the body + and arms were of silver, worked in the semblance of a complete suit of + enamelled armour of the feudal ages; and the thighs and legs were of iron, + which the artist had clothed in the bandaged hose of the old Saxons. The + figure bore the appearance of great antiquity, but had evidently been + often repaired and renovated since its first formation. The workmanship + was clearly of different eras, and the reparations, either from ignorance + or intention, had often been effected with little deference to the + original design. Part of the shoulders had been supplied by the other, + though less precious, metal, and the Roman and Imperial ornaments had + unaccountably been succeeded by the less classic, though more picturesque, + decorations of Gothic armour. On the other hand, a great portion of the + chivalric and precious material of the body had been removed, and replaced + by a style and substance resembling those of the lower limbs. In its right + hand the Statue brandished a naked sword, and with its left leant upon a + huge, though extremely rich and elaborately carved, crosier. It trampled + upon a shivered lance and a broken chain. + </p> + <p> + ‘Your Excellency perceives,’ said the Secretary, pointing to the Statue, + ‘that ours is a mixed Government.’ + </p> + <p> + Popanilla was informed that this extraordinary Statue enjoyed all the + faculties of an intellectual being, with the additional advantage of some + faculties which intellectual beings do not enjoy. It possessed not only + the faculty of speech, but of speaking truth; not only the power of + judgment, but of judging rightly; not only the habit of listening, but of + listening attentively. Its antiquity was so remote that the most profound + and acute antiquarians had failed in tracing back its origin. The + Aboriginal Inhabitant, however, asserted that it was the work of one of + his ancestors; and as his assertion was confirmed by all traditions, the + allegation was received. Whatever might have been its origin, certain it + was that it was now immortal, for it could never die; and to whomsoever it + might have been originally indebted for its power, not less sure was it + that it was now omnipotent, for it could do all things. Thus alleged and + thus believed the Vraibleusians, marvellous and sublime people! who, with + all the impotence of mortality, have created a Government which is both + immortal and omnipotent! + </p> + <p> + Generally speaking, the Statue was held in great reverence and viewed with + great admiration by the whole Vraibleusian people. There were a few + persons, indeed, who asserted that the creation of such a Statue was by no + means so mighty a business as it had been the fashion to suppose; and that + it was more than probable that, with the advantages afforded by the + scientific discoveries of modern times, they would succeed in making a + more useful one. This, indeed, they offered to accomplish, provided the + present Statue were preliminarily destroyed; but as they were well assured + that this offer would never be accepted, it was generally treated by those + who refused it as a braggadocio. There were many also who, though they in + general greatly admired and respected the present Statue, affected to + believe that, though the execution was wonderful, and the interior + machinery indeed far beyond the powers of the present age, nevertheless + the design was in many parts somewhat rude, and the figure altogether far + from being well-proportioned. Some thought the head too big, some too + small; some that the body was disproportionately little; others, on the + contrary, that it was so much too large that it had the appearance of + being dropsical; others maintained that the legs were too weak for the + support of the whole, and that they should be rendered more important and + prominent members of the figure; while, on the contrary, there were yet + others who cried out that really these members were already so + extravagantly huge, so coarse, and so ungenteel, that they quite marred + the general effect of a beautiful piece of sculpture. + </p> + <p> + The same differences existed about the comparative excellence of the three + metals and the portions of the body which they respectively formed. Some + admired the gold, and maintained that if it were not for the head the + Statue would be utterly useless; others preferred the silver, and would + assert that the body, which contained all the machinery, must clearly be + the most precious portion; while a third party triumphantly argued that + the iron legs which supported both body and head must surely be the most + valuable part, since without them the Statue must fall. The first party + advised that in all future reparations gold only should be introduced; and + the other parties, of course, recommended with equal zeal their own + favourite metals. It is observable, however, that if, under these + circumstances, the iron race chanced to fail in carrying their point, they + invariably voted for gold in preference to silver. But the most + contradictory opinions, perhaps, were those which were occasioned by the + instruments with which the Statue was armed and supported. Some affected + to be so frightened by the mere sight of the brandished sword, although it + never moved, that they pretended it was dangerous to live even under the + same sky with it; while others, treating very lightly the terrors of this + warlike instrument, would observe that much more was really to be + apprehended from the remarkable strength and thickness of the calm and + peace-inspiring crosier; and that as long as the Government was supported + by this huge pastoral staff nothing could prevail against it; that it + could dare all things, and even stand without the help of its legs. All + these various opinions at least proved that, although the present might + not be the most miraculous Statue that could possibly be created, it was + nevertheless quite impossible ever to form one which would please all + parties. + </p> + <p> + The care of this wonderful Statue was entrusted to twelve ‘Managers,’ + whose duty it was to wind-up and regulate its complicated machinery, and + who answered for its good management by their heads. It was their business + to consult the oracle upon all occasions, and by its decisions to + administer and regulate all the affairs of the State. They alone were + permitted to hear its voice; for the Statue never spoke in public save on + rare occasions, and its sentences were then really so extremely + commonplace that, had it not been for the deep wisdom of its general + conduct, the Vraibleusians would have been almost tempted to believe that + they really might exist without the services of the capital member. The + twelve Managers surrounded the Statue at a respectful distance; their + posts were the most distinguished in the State; and indeed the duties + attached to them were so numerous, so difficult, and so responsible, that + it required no ordinary abilities to fulfil, and demanded no ordinary + courage to aspire to, them. + </p> + <p> + The Fantaisian Ambassador, having been presented, took his place on the + right hand of the Statue, next to the Aboriginal Inhabitant, and public + business then commenced. + </p> + <p> + There came forward a messenger, who, knocking his nose three times with + great reverence on the floor, a knock for each metal of the figure, thus + spoke: + </p> + <p> + ‘O thou wisest and best! thou richest and mightiest! thou glory and + admiration! then defence and consternation! Lo! the King of the North is + cutting all his subjects’ heads off!’ + </p> + <p> + This announcement produced a great sensation. The Marquess Moustache took + snuff; the Private Secretary said he had long suspected that this would be + the case; and the Aboriginal Inhabitant remarked to Popanilla that the + corn in the North was of an exceedingly coarse grain. While they were + making these observations the twelve Managers had assembled in deep + consultation around the Statue, and in a very few minutes the Oracle was + prepared. The answer was very simple, but the exordium was sublime. It + professed that the Vraibleusian nation was the saviour and champion of the + world; that it was the first principle of its policy to maintain the cause + of any people struggling for their rights as men; and it avowed itself to + be the grand patron of civil and religious liberty in all quarters of the + globe. Forty-seven battalions of infantry and eighteen regiments of + cavalry, twenty-four sail of the line, seventy transports, and fifteen + bombketches, were then ordered to leave Vraibleusia for the North in less + than sixty minutes! + </p> + <p> + ‘What energy!’ said Popanilla; ‘what decision! what rapidity of + execution!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Ay!’ said the Aboriginal, smacking his thigh; ‘let them say what they + like about their proportions, and mixtures, and metals—abstract + nonsense! No one can deny that our Government works well. But see! here + comes another messenger!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘O thou wisest and best! thou richest and mightiest! thou glory and + admiration! thou defence and consternation! Lo! the people of the South + have cut their king’s head off!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Well! I suppose that is exactly what you all want,’ said the innocent + Popanilla. + </p> + <p> + The Private Secretary looked mysterious, and said that he was not prepared + to answer; that his department never having been connected with this + species of business he was unable at the moment to give his Excellency the + requisite information. At the same time, he begged to state that, provided + anything he said should not commit him, he had no objection to answer the + question hypothetically. The Aboriginal Inhabitant said that he would have + no hypotheses or Jacobins; that he did not approve of cutting off kings’ + heads; and that the Vraibleusians were the most monarchical people in the + world. So saying, he walked up, without any ceremony, to the chief + Manager, and taking him by the button, conversed with him some time in an + earnest manner, which made the stocks fall two per cent. + </p> + <p> + The Statue ordered three divisions of the grand army and a battering-train + of the first grade off to the South without the loss of a second. A palace + and establishment were immediately directed to be prepared for the family + of the murdered monarch, and the commander-in-chief was instructed to make + every exertion to bring home the body of his Majesty embalmed. Such an + immense issue of pink shells was occasioned by this last expedition that + stocks not only recovered themselves, but rose considerably. + </p> + <p> + The excitement occasioned by this last announcement evaporated at the + sight of a third messenger. He informed the Statue that the Emperor of the + East was unfortunately unable to pay the interest upon his national debt; + that his treasury was quite empty and his resources utterly exhausted. He + requested the assistance of the most wealthy and the most generous of + nations; and he offered them as security for their advances his gold and + silver mines, which, for the breadth of their veins and the richness of + their ores, he said, were unequalled. He added, that the only reason they + were unworked was the exquisite flavour of the water-melons in his empire, + which was so delicious that his subjects of all classes, passing their + whole day in devouring them, could be induced neither by force nor + persuasion to do anything else. The cause was so reasonable, and the + security so satisfactory, that the Vraibleusian Government felt themselves + authorised in shipping off immediately all the gold in the island. Pink + shells abounded, and stocks were still higher. + </p> + <p> + ‘You have no mines in Vraibleusia, I believe?’ said Popanilla to the + Aboriginal. + </p> + <p> + ‘No! but we have taxes.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Very true!’ said Popanilla. + </p> + <p> + ‘I understand that a messenger has just arrived from the West,’ said the + Secretary to the Fantaisian Plenipotentiary. ‘He must bring interesting + intelligence from such interesting countries. Next to ourselves, they are + evidently the most happy, the most wealthy, the most enlightened, and the + most powerful Governments in the world. Although founded only last week, + they already rank in the first class of nations. I will send you a little + pamphlet to-morrow, which I have just published upon this subject, in + which you will see that I have combated, I trust not unsuccessfully, the + ridiculous opinions of those cautious statesmen who insinuate that the + stability of these Governments is even yet questionable.’ + </p> + <p> + The messenger from the Republics of the West now prostrated himself before + the Statue. He informed it that two parties had, unfortunately, broken out + in these countries, and threatened their speedy dissolution; that one + party maintained that all human government originated in the wants of man; + while the other party asserted that it originated in the desires of man. + That these factions had become so violent and so universal that public business + was altogether stopped, trade quite extinct, and the instalments due to + Vraibleusia not forthcoming. Finally, he entreated the wisest and the best + of nations to send to these distracted lands some discreet and trusty + personages, well instructed in the first principles of government, in + order that they might draw up constitutions for the ignorant and irritated + multitude. + </p> + <p> + The Private Secretary told Popanilla that this was no more than he had + long expected; that all this would subside, and that he should publish a + postscript to his pamphlet in a few days, which he begged to dedicate to + him. + </p> + <p> + A whole corps diplomatique and another shipful of abstract philosophers, + principally Scotchmen, were immediately ordered off to the West; and + shortly after, to render their first principles still more effective and + their administrative arrangements still more influential, some brigades of + infantry and a detachment of the guards followed. Free constitutions are + apt to be misunderstood until half of the nation are bayoneted and the + rest imprisoned. + </p> + <p> + As this mighty Vraibleusian nation had, within the last half-hour, + received intelligence from all quarters of the globe, and interfered in + all possible affairs, civil and military, abstract, administrative, + diplomatic, and financial, Popanilla supposed that the assembly would now + break up. Some petty business, however, remained. War was declared against + the King of Sneezeland, for presuming to buy pocket-handkerchiefs of + another nation; and the Emperor of Pastilles was threatened with a + bombardment for daring to sell his peppers to another people. There were + also some dozen commercial treaties to be signed, or canvassed, or + cancelled; and a report having got about that there was a rumour that some + disturbance had broken out in some parts unknown, a flying expedition was + despatched, with sealed orders, to circumnavigate the globe and arrange + affairs. By this time Popanilla thoroughly understood the meaning of the + mysterious inscription. + </p> + <p> + Just as the assembly was about to be dissolved another messenger, who, in + his agitation, even forgot the accustomed etiquette of salutation, rushed + into the presence. + </p> + <p> + ‘O most mighty! Sir Bombastes Furioso, who commanded our last expedition, + having sailed, in the hurry, with wrong orders, has attacked our ancient + ally by mistake, and utterly destroyed him!’ + </p> + <p> + Here was a pretty business for the Best and Wisest! At first the Managers + behaved in a manner the most undiplomatic, and quite lost their temper; + they raved, they stormed, they contradicted each other, they contradicted + themselves, and swore that Sir Bombastes’ head should answer for it. Then + they subsided into sulkiness, and at length, beginning to suspect that the + fault might ultimately attach only to themselves, they got frightened, and + held frequent consultations with pale visages and quivering lips. After + some time they thought they could do nothing wiser than put a good face + upon the affair; whatever might be the result, it was, at any rate, a + victory, and a victory would please the vainest of nations: and so these + blundering and blustering gentlemen determined to adopt the conqueror, + whom they were at first weak enough to disclaim, then vile enough to + bully, and finally forced to reward. The Statue accordingly whispered a + most elaborate panegyric on Furioso, which was of course duly delivered. + The Admiral, who was neither a coward nor a fool, was made ridiculous by + being described as the greatest commander that ever existed; one whom + Nature, in a gracious freak, had made to shame us little men; a happy + compound of the piety of Noah, the patriotism of Themistocles, the skill + of Columbus, and the courage of Nelson; and his exploit styled the most + glorious and unrivalled victory that was ever achieved, even by the + Vraibleusians! Honours were decreed in profusion, a general illumination + ordered for the next twenty nights, and an expedition immediately + despatched to attack the right man. + </p> + <p> + All this time the conquerors were in waiting in an anteroom, in great + trepidation, and fully prepared to be cashiered or cut in quarters. They + were rather surprised when, bowing to the ground, they were saluted by + some half-dozen lords-in-waiting as the heroes of the age, congratulated + upon their famous achievements, and humbly requested to appear in the + Presence. + </p> + <p> + The warriors accordingly walked up in procession to the Statue, who, + opening its mighty mouth, vomited forth a flood of ribbons, stars, and + crosses, which were divided among the valiant band. This oral discharge + the Vraibleusians called the ‘fountain of honour.’ + </p> + <p> + Scarcely had the mighty Furioso and his crew disappeared than a body of + individuals arrived at the top of the hall, and, placing themselves + opposite the Managers, began rating them for their inefficient + administration of the island, and expatiated on the inconsistency of their + late conduct to the conquering Bombastes. The Managers defended themselves + in a manner perfectly in character with their recent behaviour; but their + opponents were not easily satisfied with their confused explanations and + their explained confusions, and the speeches on both sides grew warmer. At + length the opposition proceeded to expel the administration from their + places by force, and an eager scuffle between the two parties now + commenced. The general body of spectators continued only to observe, and + did not participate in the fray. At first, this melee only excited + amusement; but as it lengthened some wisely observed that public business + greatly suffered by these private squabbles; and some even ventured to + imagine that the safety of the Statue might be implicated by their + continuance. But this last fear was futile. + </p> + <p> + Popanilla asked the Private Secretary which party he thought would + ultimately succeed. The Private Secretary said that, if the present + Managers retained their places, he thought that they would not go out; but + if, on the other hand, they were expelled by the present opposition, it + was probable that the present opposition would become Managers. The + Aboriginal thought both parties equally incompetent; and told Popanilla + some long stories about a person who was chief Manager in his youth, about + five hundred years ago, to whom he said he was indebted for all his + political principles, which did not surprise Popanilla. + </p> + <p> + At this moment a noise was heard throughout the hall which made his + Excellency believe that something untoward had again happened, and that + another conqueror by mistake had again arrived. A most wonderful being + galloped up to the top of the apartment. It was half man and half horse. + The Secretary told Popanilla that this was the famous Centaur Chiron; that + his Horseship, having wearied of his ardent locality in the + constellations, had descended some years back to the island of + Vraibleusia; that he had commanded the armies of the nation in all the + great wars, and had gained every battle in which he had ever been engaged. + Chiron was no less skilful, he said, in civil than in military affairs; + but the Vraibleusians, being very jealous of allowing themselves to be + governed by their warriors, the Centaur had lately been out of employ. + While the Secretary was giving him this information Popanilla perceived + that the great Chiron was attacking the combatants on both sides. The + tutor of Achilles, Hercules, and Aeneas, of course, soon succeeded in + kicking them all out, and constituted himself chief and sole Manager of + the Statue. Some grumbled at this autocratic conduct ‘upon principle,’ but + they were chiefly connections of the expelled. The great majority, wearied + with public squabbles occasioned by private ends, rejoiced to see the + public interest entrusted to an individual who had a reputation to lose. + Intelligence of the appointment of the Centaur was speedily diffused + throughout the island, and produced great and general satisfaction. There + were a few, indeed, impartial personages, who had no great taste for + Centaurs in civil capacities, from an apprehension that, if he could not + succeed in persuading them by his eloquence, his Grace might chance to use + his heels. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER 11 + </h2> + <p> + On the evening of his presentation day his Excellency the Fantaisian + Ambassador and suite honoured the national theatre with their presence. + Such a house was never known! The pit was miraculously over-flown before + the doors were opened, although the proprietor did not permit a single + private entrance. The enthusiasm was universal, and only twelve persons + were killed. The Private Secretary told Popanilla, with an air of great + complacency, that the Vraibleusian theatres were the largest in the world. + Popanilla had little doubt of the truth of this information, as a long + time elapsed before he could even discover the stage. He observed that + every person in the theatre carried a long black glass, which he kept + perpetually fixed to his eye. To sit in a huge room hotter than a + glass-house, in a posture emulating the most sanctified Faquir, with a + throbbing head-ache, a breaking back, and twisted legs, with a heavy tube + held over one eye, and the other covered with the unemployed hand, is in + Vraibleusia called a public amusement. + </p> + <p> + The play was by the most famous dramatist that Vraibleusia ever produced; + and certainly, when his Excellency witnessed the first scenes, it was + easier to imagine that he was once more in his own sunset Isle of + Fantaisie than in the railroad state of Vraibleusia: but, unfortunately, + this evening the principal characters and scenes were omitted, to make + room for a moving panorama, which lasted some hours, of the chief and most + recent Vraibleusian victories. The audience fought their battles o’er + again with great fervour. During the play one of the inferior actors was + supposed to have saluted a female chorus-singer with an ardour which was + more than theatrical, and every lady in the house immediately fainted; + because, as the eternal Secretary told Popanilla, the Vraibleusians are + the most modest and most moral nation in the world. The male part of the + audience insisted, in indignant terms, that the offending performer should + immediately be dismissed. In a few minutes he appeared upon the stage to + make a most humble apology for an offence which he was not conscious of + having committed; but the most moral and the most modest of nations was + implacable, and the wretch was expelled. Having a large family dependent + upon his exertions, the actor, according to a custom prevalent in + Vraibleusia, went immediately and drowned himself in the nearest river. + Then the ballet commenced. + </p> + <p> + It was soon discovered that the chief dancer, a celebrated foreigner, who + had been announced for this evening, was absent. The uproar was + tremendous, and it was whispered that the house would be pulled down; + because, as Popanilla was informed, the Vraibleusians are the most + particular and the freest people in the world, and never will permit + themselves to be treated with disrespect. The principal chandelier having + been destroyed, the manager appeared, and regretted that Signor Zephyrino, + being engaged to dine with a Grandee of the first class, was unable to + fulfil his engagement. The house became frantic, and the terrified manager + sent immediately for the Signor. The artist, after a proper time had + elapsed, appeared with a napkin round his neck and a fork in his hand, + with which he stood some moments, until the uproar had subsided, picking + his teeth. At length, when silence was obtained, he told them that he was + surprised that the most polished and liberal nation in the world should + behave themselves in such a brutal and narrow-minded manner. He threatened + them that he would throw up his engagement immediately, and announce to + all foreign parts that they were a horde of barbarians; then, abusing them + for a few seconds in round terms, be retired, amidst the cheerings of the + whole house, to finish his wine. + </p> + <p> + When the performances were finished the audience rose and joined in + chorus. On Popanilla inquiring the name and nature of this effusion, he + was told that it was the national air of the Isle of Fantaisie, sung in + compliment to himself. His Excellency shrugged his shoulders and bowed + low. + </p> + <p> + The next morning, attended by his suite, Popanilla visited the most + considerable public offices and manufactories in Hubbabub. He was received + in all places with the greatest distinction. He was invariably welcomed + either by the chiefs of the department or the proprietors themselves, and + a sumptuous collation was prepared for him in every place. His Excellency + evinced the liveliest interest in everything that was pointed out to him, + and instantaneously perceived that the Vraibleusians exceeded the rest of + the world in manufactures and public works as much as they did in arms, + morals, modesty, philosophy, and politics. The Private Secretary being + absent upon his postscript, Popanilla received the most satisfactory + information upon all subjects from the Marquess himself. Whenever he + addressed any question to his Lordship, his noble attendant, with the + greatest politeness, begged him to take some refreshment. Popanilla + returned to his hotel with a great admiration of the manner in which + refined philosophy in Vraibleusia was applied to the common purposes of + life; and found that he had that morning acquired a general knowledge of + the chief arts and sciences, eaten some hundred sandwiches, and tasted as + many bottles of sherry. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER 12 + </h2> + <p> + The most commercial nation in the world was now busily preparing to + diffuse the blessings of civilisation and competition throughout the + native country of their newly-acquired friend. The greatest exporters that + ever existed had never been acquainted with such a subject for exportation + as the Isle of Fantaisie. There everything was wanted. It was not a + partial demand which was to be satisfied, nor a particular deficiency + which was to be supplied; but a vast population was thoroughly to be + furnished with every article which a vast population must require. From + the manufacturer of steam-engines to the manufacturer of stockings, all + were alike employed. There was no branch of trade in Vraibleusia which did + not equally rejoice at this new opening for commercial enterprise, and + which was not equally interested in this new theatre for Vraibleusian + industry, Vraibleusian invention, Vraibleusian activity, and, above all, + Vraibleusian competition. + </p> + <p> + Day and night the whole island was employed in preparing for the great + fleet and in huzzaing Popanilla. When at borne, every ten minutes he was + obliged to appear in the balcony, and then, with hand on heart and hat in + hand, ah! that bow! that perpetual motion of popularity! If a man love + ease, let him be most unpopular. The Managers did the impossible to assist + and advance the intercourse between the two nations. They behaved in a + liberal and enlightened manner, and a deputation of liberal and + enlightened merchants consequently waited upon them with a vote of thanks. + They issued so many pink shells that the price of the public funds was + doubled, and affairs arranged so skilfully that money was universally + declared to be worth nothing, so that every one in the island, from the + Premier down to the Mendicant whom the lecture-loving Skindeep threatened + with the bastinado, was enabled to participate, in some degree, in the + approaching venture, if we should use so dubious a term in speaking of + profits so certain. + </p> + <p> + Compared with the Fantaisian connection, the whole commerce of the world + appeared to the Vraibleusians a retail business. All other customers were + neglected or discarded, and each individual seemed to concentrate his + resources to supply the wants of a country where they dance by moonlight, + live on fruit, and sleep on flowers. At length the first fleet of five + hundred sail, laden with wonderful specimens of Vraibleusian mechanism, + and innumerable bales of Vraibleusian manufactures; articles raw and + refined, goods dry and damp, wholesale and retail; silks and woollen + cloths; cottons, cutlery, and camlets; flannels and ladies’ albums; under + waistcoats, kid gloves, engravings, coats, cloaks, and ottomans; lamps and + looking-glasses; sofas, round tables, equipages, and scent-bottles; fans + and tissue-flowers; porcelain, poetry, novels, newspapers, and cookery + books; bear’s-grease, blue pills, and bijouterie; arms, beards, poodles, + pages, mustachios, court-guides, and bon-bons; music, pictures, ladies’ + maids, scrapbooks, buckles, boxing-gloves, guitars, and snuff-boxes; + together with a company of opera-singers, a band of comedians, a popular + preacher, some quacks, lecturers, artists, and literary gentlemen, + principally sketch-book men, quitted, one day, with a favourable wind, and + amid the exultation of the inhabitants, the port of Hubbabub! + </p> + <p> + When his Excellency Prince Popanilla heard of the contents of this + stupendous cargo, notwithstanding his implicit confidence in the superior + genius and useful knowledge of the Vraibleusians, he could not refrain + from expressing a doubt whether, in the present undeveloped state of his + native land, any returns could be made proportionate to so curious and + elaborate an importation; but whenever he ventured to intimate his opinion + to any of the most commercial nation in the world he was only listened to + with an incredulous smile which seemed to pity his inexperience, or told, + with an air of profound self-complacency, that in Fantaisie ‘there must be + great resources.’ + </p> + <p> + In the meantime, public companies were formed for working the mines, + colonizing the waste lands, and cutting the coral rocks of the Indian + Isle, of all which associations Popanilla was chosen Director by + acclamation. These, however, it must be confessed, were speculations of a + somewhat doubtful nature; but the Branch Bank Society of the Isle of + Fantaisie really held out flattering prospects. + </p> + <p> + When the fleet had sailed they gave Popanilla a public dinner. It was + attended by all the principal men in the island, and he made a speech, + which was received in a rather different manner than was his sunset + oration by the monarch whom he now represented. Faintaisie and its + accomplished Envoy were at the same time the highest and the universal + fashion. The ladies sang la Syrene, dressed their hair la Mermede, and + themselves la Fantastique; which, by-the-bye, was not new; and the + gentlemen wore boa-constrictor cravats and waltzed la mer Indienne—a + title probably suggested by a remembrance of the dangers of the sea. + </p> + <p> + It was soon discovered that, without taking into consideration the average + annual advantages which would necessarily spring from their new + connection, the profits which must accrue upon the present expedition + alone had already doubled the capital of the island. Everybody in + Vraibleusia had either made a fortune, or laid the foundation of one. The + penniless had become prosperous, and the principal merchants and + manufacturers, having realised large capitals, retired from business. But + the colossal fortunes were made by the gentlemen who had assisted the + administration in raising the price of the public funds and in managing + the issues of the pink shells. The effect of this immense increase of the + national wealth and of this creation of new and powerful classes of + society was speedily felt. Great moves to the westward were perpetual, and + a variety of sumptuous squares and streets were immediately run up in that + chosen land. Butlers were at a premium; coach-makers never slept; + card-engravers, having exhausted copper, had recourse to steel; and the + demand for arms at the Heralds’ College was so great that even the + mystical genius of Garter was exhausted, and hostile meetings were + commenced between the junior members of some ancient families, to whom the + same crest had been unwittingly apportioned; but, the seconds interfering, + they discovered themselves to be relations. All the eldest sons were + immediately to get into Parliament, and all the younger ones as quickly + into the Guards; and the simple Fantaisian Envoy, who had the peculiar + felicity of taking everything au pied du lettre, made a calculation that, + if these arrangements were duly effected, in a short time the Vraibleusian + representatives would exceed the Vraibleusian represented; and that there + would be at least three officers in the Vraibleusian guards to every + private. Judging from the beards and mustachios which now abounded, this + great result was near at hand. With the snub nose which is the + characteristic of the millionaires, these appendages produce a pleasing + effect. + </p> + <p> + When the excitement had a little subsided; when their mighty mansions were + magnificently furnished; when their bright equipages were fairly launched, + and the due complement of their liveried retainers perfected; when, in + short, they had imitated the aristocracy in every point in which wealth + could rival blood: then the new people discovered with dismay that one + thing was yet wanting, which treasure could not purchase, and which the + wit of others could not supply—Manner. In homely phrase, the + millionaires did not know how to behave themselves. Accustomed to the + counting-house, the factory, or the exchange, they looked queer in + saloons, and said ‘Sir!’ when they addressed you; and seemed stiff, and + hard, and hot. Then the solecisms they committed in more formal society, + oh! they were outrageous; and a leading article in an eminent journal was + actually written upon the subject. I dare not write the deeds they did; + but it was whispered that when they drank wine they filled their glasses + to the very brim. All this delighted the old class, who were as envious of + their riches as the new people were emulous of their style. + </p> + <p> + In any other country except Vraibleusia persons so situated would have + consoled themselves for their disagreeable position by a consciousness + that their posterity would not be annoyed by the same deficiencies; but + the wonderful Vraibleusian people resembled no other, even in their + failings. They determined to acquire in a day that which had hitherto been + deemed the gradual consequence of tedious education. + </p> + <p> + A ‘Society for the Diffusion of Fashionable Knowledge’ was announced; the + Millionaires looked triumphantly mysterious, the aristocrats quizzed. The + object of the society is intimated by its title; and the method by which + its institutors proposed to attain this object was the periodical + publication of pamphlets, under the superintendence of a competent + committee. The first treatise appeared: its subject was NONCHALANCE. It + instructed its students ever to appear inattentive in the society of men, + and heartless when they conversed with women. It taught them not to + understand a man if he were witty; to misunderstand him if he were + eloquent; to yawn or stare if he chanced to elevate his voice, or presumed + to ruffle the placidity of the social calm by addressing his + fellow-creatures with teeth unparted. Excellence was never to be + recognised, but only disparaged with a look: an opinion or a sentiment, + and the nonchalant was lost for ever. For these, he was to substitute a + smile like a damp sunbeam, a moderate curl of the upper lip, and the + all-speaking and perpetual shrug of the shoulders. By a skilful management + of these qualities it was shown to be easy to ruin another’s reputation + and ensure your own without ever opening your mouth. To woman, this + exquisite treatise said much in few words: ‘Listlessness, listlessness, + listlessness,’ was the edict by which the most beautiful works of nature + were to be regulated, who are only truly charming when they make us feel + and feel themselves. ‘Listlessness, listlessness, listlessness;’ for when + you choose not to be listless, the contrast is so striking that the + triumph must be complete. + </p> + <p> + The treatise said much more, which I shall omit. It forgot, however, to + remark that this vaunted nonchalance may be the offspring of the most + contemptible and the most odious of passions: and that while it may be + exceedingly refined to appear uninterested when others are interested, to + witness excellence without emotion, and to listen to genius without + animation, the heart of the Insensible may as often be inflamed by Envy as + inspired by Fashion. + </p> + <p> + Dissertations ‘On leaving cards,’ ‘On cutting intimate friends,’ ‘On + cravats,’ ‘On dinner courses,’ ‘On poor relations.’ ‘On bores,’ ‘On + lions,’ were announced as speedily to appear. In the meantime, the Essay + on Nonchalance produced the best effects. A ci-devant stockbroker cut a + Duke dead at his club the day after its publication; and his daughter + yawned while his Grace’s eldest son, the Marquess, made her an offer as + she was singing ‘Di tanti palpiti.’ The aristocrats got a little + frightened, and when an eminent hop-merchant and his lady had asked a + dozen Countesses to dinner, and forgot to be at home to receive them, the + old class left off quizzing. + </p> + <p> + The pamphlets, however, continued issuing forth, and the new people + advanced at a rate which was awful. They actually began to originate some + ideas of their own, and there was a whisper among the leaders of voting + the aristocrats old-fashioned. The Diffusion Society now caused these + exalted personages great anxiety and uneasiness. They argued that Fashion + was a relative quality; that it was quite impossible, and not to be + expected, that all people were to aspire to be fashionable; that it was + not in the nature of things, and that, if it were, society could not + exist; that the more their imitators advanced the more they should baffle + their imitations; that a first and fashion able class was a necessary + consequence of the organisation of man; and that a line of demarcation + would for ever be drawn between them and the other islanders. The warmth + and eagerness with which they maintained and promulgated their opinions + might have tempted, however, an impartial person to suspect that they + secretly entertained some doubts of their truth and soundness. + </p> + <p> + On the other hand, the other party maintained that Fashion was a positive + quality; that the moment a person obtained a certain degree of refinement + he or she became, in fact and essentially, fashionable; that the views of + the old class were unphilosophical and illiberal, and unworthy of an + enlightened age; that men were equal, and that everything is open to + everybody; and that when we take into consideration the nature of man, the + origin of society, and a few other things, and duly consider the constant + inclination and progression towards perfection which mankind evince, there + was no reason why, in the course of time, the whole nation should not go + to Almack’s on the same night. + </p> + <p> + At this moment of doubt and dispute the Government of Vraibleusia, with + that spirit of conciliation and liberality and that perfect wisdom for + which it had been long celebrated, caring very little for the old class, + whose interest, it well knew, was to support it, and being exceedingly + desirous of engaging the affections of the new race, declared in their + favour; and acting upon that sublime scale of measures for which this + great nation has always been so famous, the Statue issued an edict that a + new literature should be invented, in order at once to complete the + education of the Millionaires and the triumph of the Romantic over the + Classic School of Manners. + </p> + <p> + The most eminent writers were, as usual, in the pay of the Government, and + BURLINGTON, A TALE OF FASHIONABLE LIFE in three volumes post octavo, was + sent forth. Two or three similar works, bearing titles equally euphonious + and aristocratic, were published daily; and so exquisite was the style of + these productions, so naturally artificial the construction of their + plots, and so admirably inventive the conception of their characters, that + many who had been repulsed by the somewhat abstract matter and arid style + of the treatises, seduced by the interest of a story, and by the dazzling + delicacies of a charming style, really now picked up a considerable + quantity of very useful knowledge; so that when the delighted students had + eaten some fifty or sixty imaginary dinners in my lord’s dining-room, and + whirled some fifty or sixty imaginary waltzes in my lady’s dancing-room, + there was scarcely a brute left among the whole Millionaires. But what + produced the most beneficial effects on the new people, and excited the + greatest indignation and despair among the old class, were some volumes + which the Government, with shocking Machiavelism, bribed some needy scions + of nobility to scribble, and which revealed certain secrets vainly + believed to be quite sacred and inviolable. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER 13 + </h2> + <p> + Shortly after the sailing of the great fleet the Private Secretary engaged + in a speculation which was rather more successful than any one contained + in his pamphlet on ‘The Present State of the Western Republics.’ + </p> + <p> + One morning, as he and Popanilla were walking on a quay, and deliberating + on the clauses of the projected commercial treaty between Vraibleusia and + Fantaisie, the Secretary suddenly stopped, as if he had seen his father’s + ghost or lost the thread of his argument, and asked Popanilla, with an air + of suppressed agitation, whether he observed anything in the distance. + Popanilla, who, like all savages, was long-sighted, applying to his eye + the glass which, in conformity to the custom of the country, he always + wore round his neck, confessed that he saw nothing. The Secretary, who had + never unfixed his glass nor moved a step since he asked the question, at + length, by pointing with his finger, attracted Popanilla’s attention to + what his Excellency conceived to be a porpoise bobbing up and down in the + waves. The Secretary, however, was not of the same opinion as the + Ambassador. He was not very communicative, indeed, as to his own opinion + upon this grave subject, but he talked of making farther observations when + the tide went down; and was so listless, abstracted, and absent, during + the rest of their conversation, that it soon ceased, and they speedily + parted. + </p> + <p> + The next day, when Popanilla read the morning papers, a feat which he + regularly performed, for spelling the newspaper was quite delicious to one + who had so recently learned to read, he found that they spoke of nothing + but of the discovery of a new island, information of which had been + received by the Government only the preceding night. The Fantaisian + Ambassador turned quite pale, and for the first time in his life + experienced the passion of jealousy, the green-eyed monster, so called + from only being experienced by green-horns. Already the prominent state he + represented seemed to retire to the background. He did not doubt that the + Vraibleusians were the most capricious as well as the most commercial + nation in the world. His reign was evidently over. The new island would + send forth a Prince still more popular. His allowance of pink shells would + be gradually reduced, and finally withdrawn. His doubts, also, as to the + success of the recent expedition to Fantaisie began to revive. His rising + reminiscences of his native land, which, with the joint assistance of + popularity and philosophy, he had hitherto succeeded in stifling, were + indeed awkward. He could not conceive his mistress with a page and a + poodle. He feared much that the cargo was not well assorted. Popanilla + determined to inquire after his canoe. + </p> + <p> + His courage, however, was greatly reassured when, on reading the second + edition, he learned that the new island was not of considerable size, + though most eligibly situate; and, moreover, that it was perfectly void of + inhabitants. When the third edition was published he found, to his + surprise, that the Private Secretary was the discoverer of this opposition + island. This puzzled the Plenipotentiary greatly. He read on; he found + that this acquisition, upon which all Vraibleusia was congratulated in + such glowing terms by all its journals, actually produced nothing. His + Excellency began to breathe; another paragraph, and he found that the + rival island was, a rock! He remembered the porpoise of yesterday. The + island certainly could not be very large, even at low water. Popanilla + once more felt like a Prince: he defied all the discoverers that could + ever exist. He thought of the great resources of the great country he + represented with proud satisfaction. He waited with easy, confidence the + return of the fleet which had carried out the most judicious assortment + with which he had ever been acquainted to the readiest market of which he + had any knowledge. He had no doubt his mistress would look most charmingly + in a barege. Popanilla determined to present his canoe to the National + Museum. + </p> + <p> + Although his Excellency had been in the highest state of astonishment + daring his whole mission to Vraibleusia, it must be confessed, now that he + understood his companion’s question of yesterday, he particularly stared. + His wonder was not decreased in the evening, when the ‘Government Gazette’ + appeared. It contained an order for the immediate fortification of the new + island by the most skilful engineers, without estimates. A strong garrison + was instantly embarked. A Governor, and a Deputy-Governor, and + Storekeepers, more plentiful than stores, were to accompany them. The + Private Secretary went out as President of Council. A Bishop was promised; + and a complete Court of Judicature, Chancery, King’s Bench, Common Pleas, + and Exchequer, were to be off the next week. It is only due to the + characters of courtiers, who are so often reproached with ingratitude to + their patrons, to record that the Private Secretary, in the most delicate + manner, placed at the disposal of his former employer, the Marquess + Moustache, the important office of Agent for the Indemnity Claims of the + original Inhabitants of the Island; the post being a sinecure, the income + being considerable, and local attendance being unnecessary, the noble + Lord, in a manner equally delicate, appointed himself. + </p> + <p> + ‘Upon what system,’ one day inquired that unwearied political student, the + Fantaisian Ambassador, of his old friend Skindeep, ‘does your Government + surround a small rock in the middle of the sea with fortifications, and + cram it full of clerks, soldiers, lawyers, and priests?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Why, really, your Excellency, I am the last man in the world to answer + questions; but I believe we call it THE COLONIAL SYSTEM!’ + </p> + <p> + Before the President, and Governor, and Deputy-Governor, and Storekeepers + had embarked, the Vraibleusian journals, who thought that the public had + been satiated with congratulations on the Colonial System, detected that + the present colony was a job. Their reasoning was so convincing, and their + denunciations so impressive, that the Managers got frightened, and cut off + one of the Deputy-Storekeepers. The President of Council now got more + frightened than the Managers. He was one of those men who think that the + world can be saved by writing a pamphlet. A pamphlet accordingly appeared + upon the subject of the new colony. The writer showed that the debateable + land was the most valuable acquisition ever attained by a nation famous + for their acquisitions; that there was a spring of water in the middle of + the rock of a remarkable freshness, and which was never dry except during + the summer and the earlier winter months; that all our outward-bound ships + would experience infinite benefit from this fresh water; that the scurvy + would therefore disappear from the service; and that the naval victories + which the Vraibleusians would gain in future wars would consequently be + occasioned by the present colony. No one could mistake the felicitous + reasoning of the author of ‘The Present State of the Western Republics!’ + </p> + <p> + About this time Popanilla fell ill. He lost his appetite and his spirits, + and his digestion was sadly disordered. His friends endeavoured to console + him by telling him that dyspepsia was the national disease of Vraibleusia; + that its connection with civil and religious liberty was indissoluble; + that every man, woman, and child above fifteen in the island was a martyr + to it; that it was occasioned by their rapid mode of despatching their + meals, which again was occasioned by the little time which the most active + nation in the world could afford to bestow upon such a losing business as + eating. + </p> + <p> + All this was no consolation to a man who had lost his appetite; and so + Popanilla sent for a gentleman who, he was told, was the most eminent + physician in the island. The most eminent physician, when he arrived, + would not listen to a single syllable that his patient wished to address + to him. He told Popanilla that his disorder was ‘decidedly liver;’ that it + was occasioned by his eating his meat before his bread instead of after + it, and drinking at the end of the first course instead of the beginning + of the second; that he had only to correct these ruinous habits, and that + he would then regain his tone. + </p> + <p> + Popanilla observed the instructions of the eminent physician to the very + letter. He invariably eat his bread before his meat, and watched the + placing of the first dish of the second course upon the table ere he + ventured to refresh himself with any liquid. At the end of a week he was + infinitely worse. + </p> + <p> + He now called in a gentleman who was recommended to him as the most + celebrated practitioner in all Vraibleusia. The most celebrated + practitioner listened with great attention to every particular that his + patient had to state, but never condescended to open his own mouth. + Popanilla was delighted, and revenged himself for the irritability of the + eminent physician. After two more visits, the most celebrated practitioner + told Popanilla that his disorder was ‘unquestionably nervous;’ that he had + over-excited himself by talking too much; that in future he must count + five between each word he uttered, never ask any questions, and avoid + society; that is, never stay at an evening party on any consideration + later than twenty-two minutes past two, and never be induced by any + persuasion to dine out more than once on the same day. The most celebrated + practitioner added that he had only to observe these regulations, and that + he would speedily recover his energy. + </p> + <p> + Popanilla never asked a question for a whole week, and Skindeep never knew + him more delightful. He not only counted five, but ten, between every word + he uttered; and determining that his cure should not be delayed, whenever + he had nobody to speak to he continued counting. In a few days this + solitary computation brought on a slow fever. + </p> + <p> + He now determined to have a consultation between the most eminent + physician and the most celebrated practitioner. It was delightful to + witness the meeting of these great men. Not a shade of jealousy dimmed the + sunshine of their countenances. After a consultation, they agreed that + Popanilla’s disorder was neither ‘liver,’ nor ‘nervous,’ but ‘mind:’ that + he had done too much; that he had overworked his brain; that he must take + more exercise; that he must breathe more air; that he must have + relaxation; that he must have a change of scene. + </p> + <p> + ‘Where shall I go?’ was the first question which Popanilla had sent forth + for a fortnight, and it was addressed to Skindeep. + </p> + <p> + ‘Really, your Excellency, I am the last man in the world to answer + questions; but the place which is generally frequented by us when we are + suffering from your complaint is Blunderland.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Well, then, to Blunderland let us go!’ + </p> + <p> + Shortly before Popanilla’s illness he had been elected a member of the + Vraibleusian Horticultural Society, and one evening he had endeavoured to + amuse himself by reading the following CHAPTER ON FRUIT. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER 14 + </h2> + <p> + That a taste for fruit is inherent in man is an opinion which is + sanctioned by the conduct of man in all ages and in all countries. While + some nations have considered it profanation or pollution to nourish + themselves with flesh or solace themselves with fish, while almost every + member of the animal creation has in turn been considered either sacred or + unclean, mankind, in all climes and in all countries, the Hindoo and the + Hebrew, the Egyptian and the Greek, the Roman and the Frank, have, in some + degree, made good their boastful claim to reason, by universally feeding + upon those delightful productions of Nature which are nourished with the + dews of heaven, and which live for ever in its breath. + </p> + <p> + And, indeed, when we consider how exceedingly refreshing at all times is + the flavour of fruit; how very natural, and, in a manner, born in him, is + man’s inclination for it; how little it is calculated to pall upon his + senses; and how conducive, when not eaten to excess, it is to his health, + as well as to his pleasure; we must not be surprised that a conviction of + its excellence should have been one of those few subjects on which men + have never disagreed. + </p> + <p> + That some countries are more favoured in their fruit than others is a fact + so notorious that its notice is unnecessary; but we are not therefore to + suppose that their appetite for it is more keen than the appetite of other + nations for their fruit who live in less genial climes. Indeed, if we were + not led to believe that all nations are inspired by an equal love for this + production, it might occasionally be suspected that some of those nations + who are least skilful as horticulturists evince a greater passion for + their inferior growths than more fortunate people for their choicer + produce. The effects of bad fruit, however, upon the constitution, and + consequently upon the national character, are so injurious that every + liberal man must regret that any people, either from ignorance or + obligation, should be forced to have recourse to anything so fatal, and + must feel that it is the duty of everyone who professes to be a + philanthropist to propagate and encourage a taste for good fruit + throughout all countries of the globe. + </p> + <p> + A vast number of centuries before Popanilla had the fortune to lose his + mistress’s lock of hair, and consequently to become an ambassador to + Vraibleusia, the inhabitants of that island, then scarcely more civilised + than their new allies of Fantaisie were at present, suffered very + considerably from the trash which they devoured, from that innate taste + for fruit already noticed. In fact, although there are antiquaries who + pretend that the Vraibleusians possessed some of the species of wild plums + and apples even at that early period, the majority of inquirers are + disposed to believe that their desserts were solely confined to the + wildest berries, horse-chestnuts, and acorns. + </p> + <p> + A tradition runs, that while they were committing these abominations a + ship, one of the first ships that had ever touched at the island, arrived + at the present port of Hubbabub, then a spacious and shipless bay. The + master of the vessel, on being brought before the King (for the story I am + recording happened long before the construction of the miraculous Statue), + presented, with his right hand, to his Majesty, a small pyramidal + substance of a golden hue, which seemed to spring out of green and purple + leaves. His Majesty did not exactly understand the intention of this + ceremony; but of course, like a true legitimate, construed it into a + symbol of homage. No sooner had the King brought the unknown substance + near to his eyes, with the intention of scrutinising its nature, than the + fragrance was so delightful that by mistake he applied it to his mouth. + The King, only took one mouthful, and then, with a cry of rapture, + instantly handed the delicacy to his favourite, who, to the great + mortification of the Secretary of State, finished it. The stranger, + however, immediately supplied the surrounding courtiers from a basket + which was slung on his left arm; and no sooner had they all tasted his + gift than they fell upon their knees to worship him, vowing that the + distributor of such delight must be more than man. If this avowal be + considered absurd and extraordinary in this present age of philosophy, we + must not forget to make due allowance for the palates of individuals who, + having been so long accustomed merely to horse-chestnuts and acorns, + suddenly, for the first time in their lives, tasted Pine-apple. + </p> + <p> + The stranger, with an air of great humility, disclaimed their proffered + adoration, and told them that, far from being superior to common mortals, + he was, on the contrary, one of the lowliest of the human race; in fact, + he did not wish to conceal it; in spite of his vessel and his attendants, + he was merely a market-gardener on a great scale. This beautiful fruit he + had recently discovered in the East, to which quarter of the world he + annually travelled in order to obtain a sufficient quantity to supply the + great Western hemisphere, of which he himself was a native. Accident had + driven him, with one of his ships, into the Island of Vraibleusia; and, as + the islanders appeared to be pleased with his cargo, he said that he + should have great pleasure in supplying them at present and receiving + their orders for the future. + </p> + <p> + The proposition was greeted with enthusiasm, The King immediately entered + into a contract with the market-gardener on his own terms. The sale, or + cultivation, or even the eating of all other fruits was declared + high-treason, and pine-apple, for weighty reasons duly recited in the + royal proclamation, announced as the established fruit of the realm. The + cargo, under the superintendence of some of the most trusty of the crew, + was unshipped for the immediate supply of the island; and the merchant and + his customers parted, mutually delighted and mutually profited. + </p> + <p> + Time flew on. The civilisation of Vraibleusia was progressive, as + civilisation always is; and the taste for pine-apples ever on the + increase, as the taste for pine-apples ever should be. The supply was + regular and excellent, the prices reasonable, and the tradesmen civil. + They, of course, had not failed to advance in fair proportion with the + national prosperity. Their numbers had much increased as well as their + customers. Fresh agents arrived with every fresh cargo. They had long + quitted the stalls with which they had been contented on their first + settlement in the island, and now were the dapper owners of neat depots in + all parts of the kingdom where depots could find customers. + </p> + <p> + A few more centuries, and affairs began to change. All that I have related + as matter of fact, and which certainly is not better authenticated than + many other things that happened two or three thousand years ago, which, + however, the most sceptical will not presume to maintain did not take + place, was treated as the most idle and ridiculous fable by the dealers in + pine-apples themselves. They said that they knew nothing about a + market-gardener; that they were, and had always been, the subjects of the + greatest Prince in the world, compared with whom all other crowned heads + ranked merely as subjects did with their immediate sovereigns. This + Prince, they said, lived in the most delicious region in the world, and + the fruit which they imported could only be procured from his private + gardens, where it sprang from one of the trees that had bloomed in the + gardens of the Hesperides. The Vraibleusians were at first a little + surprised at this information, but the old tradition of the + market-gardener was certainly an improbable one; and the excellence of the + fruit and the importance assumed by those who supplied it were deemed + exceedingly good evidence of the truth of the present story. When the + dealers had repeated their new tale for a certain number of years, there + was not an individual in the island who in the slightest degree suspected + its veracity. One more century, and no person had ever heard that any + suspicions had ever existed. + </p> + <p> + The immediate agents of the Prince of the World could, of course, be no + common personages; and the servants of the gardener, who some centuries + before had meekly disclaimed the proffered reverence of his delighted + customers, now insisted upon constant adoration from every eater of + pine-apples in the island. In spite, however, of the arrogance of the + dealers, of their refusal to be responsible to the laws of the country in + which they lived, and of the universal precedence which, on all occasions, + was claimed even by the shop-boys, so decided was the taste which the + Vraibleusians had acquired for pine-apples that there is little doubt + that, had the dealers in this delicious fruit been contented with the + respect and influence and profit which were the consequences of their + vocation, the Vraibleusians would never have presumed to have grumbled at + their arrogance or to have questioned their privileges. But the agents, + wearied of the limited sphere to which their exertions were confined, and + encouraged by the success which every new claim and pretence on their part + invariably experienced, began to evince an inclination to interfere in + other affairs besides those of fruit, and even expressed their willingness + to undertake no less an office than the management of the Statue. + </p> + <p> + A century or two were solely occupied by conflicts occasioned by the + unreasonable ambition of these dealers in pine-apples. Such great + political effects could be produced by men apparently so unconnected with + politics as market-gardeners! Ever supported by the lower ranks, whom they + supplied with fruit of the most exquisite flavour without charge, they + were, for a long time, often the successful opponents, always the + formidable adversaries, of the Vraibleusian aristocracy, who were the + objects of their envy and the victims of their rapaciousness. The + Government at last, by a vigorous effort, triumphed. In spite of the + wishes of the majority of the nation, the whole of the dealers were one + day expelled the island, and the Managers of the Statue immediately took + possession of their establishments. + </p> + <p> + By distributing the stock of fruit which was on hand liberally, the + Government, for a short time, reconciled the people to the chance; but as + their warehouses became daily less furnished they were daily reminded + that, unless some system were soon adopted, the Islanders must be deprived + of a luxury to which they had been so long accustomed that its indulgence + had, in fact, become a second nature. No one of the managers had the + hardihood to propose a recurrence to horse-chestnuts. Pride and fear alike + forbade a return to their old purveyor. Other fruits there were which, in + spite of the contract with the market-gardener, had at various times been + secretly introduced into the island; but they had never greatly + flourished, and the Statue was loth to recommend to the notice of his + subjects productions an indulgence in which, through the instigation of + the recently-expelled agents, it had so often denounced as detrimental to + the health, and had so often discouraged by the severest punishments. + </p> + <p> + At this difficult and delicate crisis, when even expedients seemed + exhausted and statesmen were at fault, the genius of an individual offered + a substitute. An inventive mind discovered the power of propagating + suckers. The expelled dealers had either been ignorant of this power, or + had concealed their knowledge of it. They ever maintained that it was + impossible for pine-apples to grow except in one spot, and that the whole + earth must be supplied from the gardens of the palace of the Prince of the + World. Now, the Vraibleusians were flattered with the patriotic fancy of + eating pine-apples of a home-growth; and the blessed fortune of that + nation, which did not depend for their supply of fruit upon a foreign + country, was eagerly expatiated on. Secure from extortion and independent + of caprice, the Vraibleusians were no longer to be insulted by the + presence of foreigners; who, while they violated their laws with impunity, + referred the Vraibleusians, when injured and complaining, to a foreign + master. + </p> + <p> + No doubt this appeal to the patriotism, and the common sense, and the + vanity of the nation would have been successful had not the produce of the + suckers been both inferior in size and deficient in flavour. The + Vraibleusians tasted and shook their heads. The supply, too, was as + imperfect as the article; for the Government gardeners were but sorry + horticulturists, and were ever making experiments and alterations in their + modes of culture. The article was scarce, though the law had decreed it + universal; and the Vraibleusians were obliged to feed upon fruit which + they considered at the same time both poor and expensive. They protested + as strongly against the present system as its promulgators had protested + against the former one, and they revenged themselves for their grievances + by breaking the shop-windows. + </p> + <p> + As any result was preferable, in the view of the Statue, to the + re-introduction of foreign fruit and foreign agents, and as the Managers + considered it highly important that an indissoluble connection should in + future exist between the Government and so influential and profitable a + branch of trade, they determined to adopt the most vigorous measures to + infuse a taste for suckers in the discontented populace. But the eating of + fruit being clearly a matter of taste, it is evidently a habit which + should rather be encouraged by a plentiful supply of exquisite produce + than enforced by the introduction of burning and bayonets. The + consequences of the strong measures of the Government were universal + discontent and partial rebellion. The Islanders, foolishly ascribing the + miseries which they endured, not so much to the folly of the Government as + to the particular fruit through which the dissensions had originated, + began to entertain a disgust for pine-apples altogether, and to sicken at + the very mention of that production which had once occasioned them so much + pleasure, and which had once commanded such decided admiration. They + universally agreed that there were many other fruits in the world besides + Pine-apple which had been too long neglected. One dilated on the rich + flavour of Melon; another panegyrised Pumpkin, and offered to make up by + quantity for any slight deficiency in gout; Cherries were not without + their advocates; Strawberries were not forgotten. One maintained that the + Fig had been pointed out for the established fruit of all countries; while + another asked, with a reeling eye, whether they need go far to seek when a + God had condescended to preside over the Grape! In short, there was not a + fruit which flourishes that did not find its votaries. Strange to say, + another foreign product, imported from a neighbouring country famous for + its barrenness, counted the most; and the fruit faction which chiefly + frightened the Vraibleusian Government was an acid set, who crammed + themselves with Crab-apples. + </p> + <p> + It was this party which first seriously and practically conceived the idea + of utterly abolishing the ancient custom of eating pine-apples. While they + themselves professed to devour no other fruit save crabs, they at the same + time preached the doctrine of an universal fruit toleration, which they + showed would be the necessary and natural consequence of the destruction + of the old monopoly. Influenced by these representations, the great body + of the people openly joined the Crab-apple men in their open attacks. The + minority, who still retained a taste for pines, did not yield without an + arduous though ineffectual struggle. During the riots occasioned by this + rebellion the Hall of Audience was broken open, and the miraculous Statue, + which was reputed to have a great passion for pine-apples, dashed to the + ground. The Managers were either slain or disappeared. The whole affairs + of the kingdom were conducted by a body called ‘the Fruit Committee;’ and + thus a total revolution of the Government of Vraibleusia was occasioned by + the prohibition of foreign pine-apples. What an argument in favour of + free-trade! + </p> + <p> + Every fruit, except that one which had so recently been supported by the + influence of authority and the terrors of law, might now be seen and + devoured in the streets of Hubbabub. In one corner men were sucking + oranges, as if they had lived their whole lives on salt: in another, + stuffing pumpkin, like cannibals at their first child. Here one took in at + a mouthful a bunch of grapes, from which might have been pressed a good + quart. Another was lying on the ground from a surfeit of mulberries. The + effect of this irrational excess will be conceived by the judicious + reader. Calcutta itself never suffered from a cholera morbus half so + fearful. Thousands were dying. Were I Thucydides or Boccaccio, I would + write pages on this plague. The commonwealth itself must soon have yielded + its ghost, for all order had ceased throughout the island ever since they + had deserted pine-apples. There was no Government: anarchy alone was + perfect. Of the Fruit Committee, many of the members were dead or dying, + and the rest were robbing orchards. + </p> + <p> + At this moment of disorganisation and dismay a stout soldier, one of the + crab-apple faction, who had possessed sufficient command over himself, in + spite of the seeming voracity of his appetite, not to indulge to a + dangerous excess, made his way one morning into the old Hall of Audience, + and there, groping about, succeeded in finding the golden head of the + Statue; which placing on the hilt of his sword, the point of which he had + stuck in the pedestal, he announced to the city that he had discovered the + secret of conversing with this wonderful piece of mechanism, and that in + future he would take care of the health and fortune of the State. + </p> + <p> + There were some who thought it rather strange that the head-piece should + possess the power of resuming its old functions, although deprived of the + aid of the body which contained the greater portion of the machinery. As + it was evidently well supported by the sword, they were not surprised that + it should stand without the use of its legs. But the stout soldier was the + only one in the island who enjoyed the blessing of health. He was fresh, + vigorous, and vigilant; they, exhausted, weak, and careless of everything + except cure. He soon took measures for the prevention of future mischief + and for the cure of the present; and when his fellow-islanders had + recovered, some were grateful, others fearful, and all obedient. + </p> + <p> + So long as the stout soldier lived, no dissensions on the subject of fruit + ever broke out. Although he himself never interfered in the sale of the + article, and never attempted to create another monopoly, still, by his + influence and authority, he prevented any excess being occasioned by the + Fruit toleration which was enjoyed. Indeed, the Vraibleusians themselves + had suffered so severely from their late indiscretions that such excesses + were not likely again to occur. People began to discover that it was not + quite so easy a thing as they had imagined for every man to be his own + Fruiterer; and that gardening was a craft which, like others, required + great study, long practice, and early experience. Unable to supply + themselves, the majority became the victims of quack traders. They + sickened of spongy apricots, and foxy pears, and withered plums, and + blighted apples, and tasteless berries. They at length suspected that a + nation might fare better if its race of fruiterers were overseen and + supported by the State, if their skill and their market were alike + secured. Although, no longer being tempted to suffer from a surfeit, the + health of the Islanders had consequently recovered, this was, after all, + but a negative blessing, and they sadly missed a luxury once so reasonable + and so refreshing. They sighed for an established fruit and a protected + race of cultivators. But the stout soldier was so sworn an enemy to any + Government Fruit, and so decided an admirer of the least delightful, that + the people, having no desire of being forced to cat crab-apples, only + longed for more delicious food in silence. + </p> + <p> + At length the stout soldier died, and on the night of his death the sword + which had so long supported the pretended Government snapped in twain. No + arrangement existed for carrying on the administration of affairs. The + master-mind was gone, without having imported the secret of conversing + with the golden head to any successor. The people assembled in agitated + crowds. Each knew his neighbour’s thoughts without their being declared. + All smacked their lips, and a cry for pine-apples rent the skies. + </p> + <p> + At this moment the Aboriginal Inhabitant appeared, and announced that in + examining the old Hall of Audience, which had been long locked up, he had + discovered in a corner, where they had been flung by the stout soldier + when he stole away the head, the remaining portions of the Statue; that + they were quite uninjured, and that on fixing the head once more upon + them, and winding up the works, he was delighted to find that this great + work of his ancestor, under whose superintendence the nation had so + flourished, resumed all its ancient functions. The people were in a state + of mind for a miracle, and they hailed the joyful wonder with shouts of + triumph. The State was placed under the provisional care of the + Aboriginal. All arrangements for its superintendence were left to his + discretion, and its advice was instantly to be taken upon that subject + which at present was nearest the people’s hearts. + </p> + <p> + But that subject was encompassed with difficulties. Pine-apples could only + be again procured by an application to the Prince of the World, whose + connection they had rejected, and by an introduction into the island of + those foreign agents, who, now convinced that the Vraibleusians could not + exist without their presence, would be more arrogant and ambitious and + turbulent than ever. Indeed, the Aboriginal feared that the management of + the Statue would be the sine qua non of negotiation with the Prince. If + this were granted, it was clear that Vraibleusia must in future only rank + as a dependent state of a foreign power, since the direction of the whole + island would actually be at the will of the supplier of pine-apples. Ah! + this mysterious taste for fruit! In politics it has often occasioned + infinite embarrassment. + </p> + <p> + At this critical moment the Aboriginal received information that, although + the eating of pine-apples had been utterly abolished, and although it was + generally supposed that a specimen of this fruit had long ceased to exist + in the country, nevertheless a body of persons, chiefly consisting of the + descendants of the Government gardeners who had succeeded the foreign + agents, and who had never lost their taste for this pre-eminent fruit, had + long been in the habit of secretly raising, for their private eating, + pine-apples from the produce of those suckers which had originally excited + such odium and occasioned such misfortunes. Long practice, they said, and + infinite study, had so perfected them in this art that they now succeeded + in producing pine-apples which, both for size and flavour, were not + inferior to the boasted produce of a foreign clime. Their specimens + verified their assertion, and the whole nation were invited to an instant + trial. The long interval which had elapsed since any man had enjoyed a + treat so agreeable lent, perhaps, an additional flavour to that which was + really excellent; and so enraptured and enthusiastic were the great + majority of the people that the propagators of suckers would have had no + difficulty, had they pushed the point, in procuring as favourable and + exclusive a contract as the market-gardener of ancient days. + </p> + <p> + But the Aboriginal and his advisers were wisely mindful that the passions + of a people are not arguments for legislation; and they felt conscious + that when the first enthusiasm had subsided and when their appetites were + somewhat satisfied, the discontented voices of many who had been long used + to other fruits would be recognised even amidst the shouts of the + majority. They therefore greatly qualified the contract between the nation + and the present fruiterers. An universal Toleration of Fruit was allowed; + but no man was to take office under Government, or enter the services, or + in any way become connected with the Court, who was not supplied from the + Government depots. + </p> + <p> + Since this happy restoration Pine-apple has remained the established fruit + of the Island of Vraibleusia; and, it must be confessed, has been found + wonderfully conducive to the health and happiness of the Islanders. Some + sectarians still remain obstinate, or tasteless enough to prefer pumpkin, + or gorge the most acid apples, or chew the commonest pears; but they form + a slight minority, which will gradually altogether disappear. The votaries + of Pine-apple pretend to observe the characteristic effect which such food + produces upon the feeders. They denounce them as stupid, sour, and vulgar. + </p> + <p> + But while, notwithstanding an universal toleration, such an unanimity of + taste apparently prevails throughout the island, as if Fruit were a + subject of such peculiar nicety that difference of opinion must + necessarily rise among men, great Fruit factions even now prevail in + Vraibleusia; and, what is more extraordinary, prevail even among the + admirers of pine-apples themselves. Of these, the most important is a sect + which professes to discover a natural deficiency not only in all other + fruits, but even in the finest pine-apples. Fruit, they maintain, should + never be eaten in the state in which Nature yields it to man; and they + consequently are indefatigable in prevailing upon the less discriminating + part of mankind to heighten the flavour of their pine-apples with ginger, + or even with pepper. Although they profess to adopt these stimulants from + the great admiration which they entertain for a high flavour, there are, + nevertheless, some less ardent people who suspect that they rather have + recourse to them from the weakness of their digestion. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER 15 + </h2> + <p> + As his Excellency Prince Popanilla really could not think of being annoyed + by the attentions of the mob during his visit to Blunderland, he travelled + quite in a quiet way, under the name of the Chevalier de Fantaisie, and + was accompanied only by Skindeep and two attendants. As Blunderland was + one of the islands of the Vraibleusian Archipelago, they arrived there + after the sail of a few hours. + </p> + <p> + The country was so beautiful that the Chevalier was almost reminded of + Fantaisie. Green meadows and flourishing trees made him remember the + railroads and canals of Vraibleusia without regret, or with disgust, which + is much the same. The women were angelic, which is the highest praise; and + the men the most light-hearted, merry, obliging, entertaining fellows that + he had met with in the whole course of his life. Oh! it was delicious. + </p> + <p> + After an hour’s dashing drive, he arrived at a city which, had he not seen + Hubbabub, he should have imagined was one of the most considerable in the + world; but compared with the Vraibleusian capital it was a street. + </p> + <p> + Shortly after his arrival, according to the custom of the place, Popanilla + joined the public table of his hotel at dinner. He was rather surprised + that, instead of knives and forks being laid for the convenience of the + guests, the plates were flanked by daggers and pistols. As Popanilla now + made a point of never asking a question of Skindeep, he addressed himself + for information to his other neighbour, one of the civilest, most + hospitable, and joyous rogues that ever set a table in a roar. On + Popanilla inquiring the reason of their using these singular instruments, + his neighbour, with an air of great astonishment, confessed his ignorance + of any people ever using any other; and in his turn asked how they could + possibly eat their dinner without. The Chevalier was puzzled, but he was + now too well bred ever to pursue an inquiry. + </p> + <p> + Popanilla, being thirsty, helped himself to a goblet of water, which was + at hand. It was the most delightful water that he ever tasted. In a few + minutes he found that he was a little dizzy, and, supposing this megrim to + be occasioned by the heat of the room, he took another draught of water to + recover himself. + </p> + <p> + As his neighbour was telling him an excellent joke a man entered the room + and shot the joker through the head. The opposite guest immediately + charged his pistol with effect, and revenged the loss. A party of men, + well armed, now rushed in, and a brisk conflict immediately ensued. + Popanilla, who was very dizzy, was fortunately pushed under the table. + When the firing and slashing had ceased, he ventured to crawl out. He + found that the assailants had been beaten off, though unfortunately with + the total loss of all the guests, who lay lifeless about the room. Even + the prudent Skindeep, who had sought refuge in a closet, had lost his + nose, which was a pity; because, although this gentleman had never been in + Blunderland before, he had passed his whole life in maintaining that the + accounts of the disturbances in that country were greatly exaggerated. + Popanilla rang the bell, and the waiters, who were remarkably attentive, + swept away the dead bodies, and brought him a roasted potato for supper. + </p> + <p> + The Chevalier soon retired to rest. He found at the side of his bed a + blunderbuss, a cutlass, and a pike; and he was directed to secure the door + of his chamber with a great chain and a massy iron bar. Feeling great + confidence in his securities, although he was quite ignorant of the cause + of alarm, and very much exhausted with the bustle of the day, he enjoyed + sounder sleep than had refreshed him for many weeks. He was awakened in + the middle of the night by a loud knocking at his door. He immediately + seized his blunderbuss, but, recognising the voice of his own valet, he + only took his pike. His valet told him to unbar without loss of time, for + the house had been set on fire. Popanilla immediately made his escape, but + found himself surrounded by the incendiaries. He gave himself up for lost, + when a sudden charge of cavalry brought him off in triumph. He was + convinced of the utility of light-horse. + </p> + <p> + The military had arrived with such despatch that the fire was the least + effective that had wakened the house for the whole week. It was soon + extinguished, and Popanilla again retired to his bedroom, not forgetting + his bar and his chain. + </p> + <p> + In the morning Popanilla was roused by his landlord, who told him that a + large party was about to partake of the pleasures of the chase, and most + politely inquired whether he would like to join them. Popanilla assented, + and after having eaten an excellent breakfast, and received a favourable + bulletin of Skindeep’s wound, he mounted his horse. The party was numerous + and well armed. Popanilla inquired of a huntsman what sport they generally + followed in Blunderland. According to the custom of this country, where + they never give a direct answer, the huntsman said that he did not know + that there was any other sport but one. Popanilla thought him a brute, and + dug his spurs into his horse. + </p> + <p> + They went off at a fine rate, and the exercise was most exhilarating. In a + short time, as they were cantering along a defile, they received a sharp + fire from each side, which rather reduced their numbers; but they revenged + themselves for this loss when they regained the plain, where they burnt + two villages, slew two or three hundred head of women, and bagged children + without number. On their return home to dinner they chased a small body of + men over a heath for nearly two hours, which afforded good sport; but they + did not succeed in running them down, as they themselves were in turn + chased by another party. Altogether, the day was not deficient in + interest, and Popanilla found in the evening his powers of digestion + improved. + </p> + <p> + After passing his days in this manner for about a fortnight, Popanilla + perfectly recovered from his dyspepsia; and Skindeep’s wound having now + healed, he retired with regret from this healthy climate. He took + advantage of the leisure moment which was afforded during the sail to + inquire the reason of the disturbed state of this interesting country. He + was told that it was in consequence of the majority of the inhabitants + persisting in importing their own pine-apples. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER 16 + </h2> + <p> + On his return to Hubbabub, the Chevalier de Fantaisie found the city in + the greatest confusion. The military were marshalled in all directions; + the streets were lined with field-pieces; no one was abroad; all the shops + were shut. Although not a single vehicle was visible, Popanilla’s progress + was slow, from the quantity of shells of all kinds which choked up the + public way. When he arrived at his hotel he found that all the windows + were broken. He entered, and his landlord immediately presented him with + his bill. As the landlord was pressing, and as Popanilla wished for an + opportunity of showing his confidence in Skindeep’s friendship, he + requested him to pay the amount. Skindeep sent a messenger immediately to + his banker, deeming an ambassador almost as good security as a nation, + which we all know to be the very best. + </p> + <p> + This little arrangement being concluded, the landlord resumed his usual + civility. He informed the travellers that the whole island was in a state + of the greatest commotion, and that martial law universally prevailed. He + said that this disturbance was occasioned by the return of the expedition + destined to the Isle of Fantaisie. It appeared, from his account, that + after sailing about from New Guinea to New Holland, the expedition had + been utterly unable not only to reach their new customers, but even to + obtain the slightest intelligence of their locality. No such place as + Fantaisie was known at Ceylon. Sumatra gave information equally + unsatisfactory. Java shook its head. Celebes conceived the inquirers were + jesting. The Philippine Isles offered to accommodate them with spices, but + could assist them in no other way. Had it not been too hot at Borneo, they + would have fairly laughed outright. The Maldives and the Moluccas, the + Luccadives and the Andamans, were nearly as impertinent. The five hundred + ships and the judiciously-assorted cargo were therefore under the + necessity of returning home. + </p> + <p> + No sooner, however, had they reached Vraibleusia than the markets were + immediately glutted with the unsold goods. All the manufacturers, who had + been working day and night in preparing for the next expedition, were + instantly thrown out of employ. A run commenced on the Government Bank. + That institution perceived too late that the issues of pink shells had + been too unrestricted. As the Emperor of the East had all the gold, the + Government Bank only protected itself from failure by bayoneting its + creditors. The manufacturers, who were starving, consoled themselves for + the absence of food by breaking all the windows in the country with the + discarded shells. Every tradesman failed. The shipping interest advertised + two or three fleets for firewood. Riots were universal. The Aboriginal was + attacked on all sides, and made so stout a resistance, and broke so many + cudgels on the backs of his assailants, that it was supposed he would be + finally exhausted by his own exertions. The public funds sunk ten per + cent. daily. All the Millionaires crashed. In a word, dismay, + disorganisation, despair, pervaded in all directions the wisest, the + greatest, and the richest nation in the world. The master of the hotel + added, with an air of becoming embarrassment, that, had not his Excellency + been fortunately absent, he probably would not have had the pleasure of + detailing to him this little narrative; that he had often been inquired + for by the populace at his old balcony; and that a crowd had perpetually + surrounded the house till within the last day, when a report had got about + that his Excellency had turned into steam and disappeared. He added that + caricatures of his Highness might be procured in any shop, and his account + of his voyage obtained at less than half-price. + </p> + <p> + ‘Ah!’ said Popanilla, in a tone of great anguish, ‘and all this from + losing a lock of hair!’ + </p> + <p> + At this moment the messenger whom Skindeep had despatched returned, and + informed him with great regret that his banker, to whom he had entrusted + his whole fortune, had been so unlucky as to stop payment during his + absence. It was expected, however, that when his stud was sold a + respectable dividend might be realised. This was the personage of + prepossessing appearance who had presented Popanilla with a perpetual + ticket to his picture gallery. On examining the banker’s accounts, it was + discovered that his chief loss had been incurred by supporting that + competition establishment where purses were bought full of crowns. + </p> + <p> + In spite of his own misfortunes, Popanilla hastened to console his friend. + He explained to him that things were not quite so bad as they appeared; + that society consisted of two classes, those who laboured, and those who + paid the labourers; that each class was equally useful, because, if there + were none to pay, the labourers would not be remunerated, and if there + were none to labour, the payers would not be accommodated; that Skindeep + might still rank in one of these classes; that he might therefore still be + a useful member of society; that, if he were useful, he must therefore be + good; and that, if he were good, he must therefore be happy; because + happiness is the consequence of assisting the beneficial development of + the ameliorating principles of the social action. + </p> + <p> + As he was speaking, two gentlemen in blue, with red waistcoats, entered + the chamber and seized Popanilla by the collar. The Vraibleusian + Government, which is so famous for its interpretation of National Law, had + arrested the Ambassador for high treason. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER 17 + </h2> + <p> + A prison conveyed the most lugubrious ideas to the mind of the unhappy + Plenipotentiary; and shut up in a hackney-coach, with a man on each side + of him with a most gloomy conceptions of overwhelming fetters, black + bread, and green water. He arrived at the principal gaol in Hubbabub. He + was ushered into an elegantly furnished apartment, with French sash + windows and a piano. Its lofty walls were entirely hung with a fanciful + paper, which represented a Tuscan vineyard; the ceiling was covered with + sky and clouds; roses were in abundance; and the windows, though well + secured, excited no jarring associations in the mind of the individual + they illumined, protected, as they were, by polished bars of cut steel. + This retreat had been fitted up by a poetical politician, who had recently + been confined for declaring that the Statue was an old idol originally + imported from the Sandwich Isles. Taking up a brilliantly bound volume + which reposed upon a rosewood table, Popanilla recited aloud a sonnet to + Liberty; but the account given of the goddess by the bard was so confused, + and he seemed so little acquainted with his subject, that the reader began + to suspect it was an effusion of the gaoler. + </p> + <p> + Next to being a Plenipotentiary, Popanilla preferred being a prisoner. His + daily meals consisted of every delicacy in season: a marble bath was ever + at his service; a billiard-room and dumb-bells always ready; and his old + friends, the most eminent physician and the most celebrated practitioner + in Hubbabub, called upon him daily to feel his pulse and look at his + tongue. These attentions authorised a hope that he might yet again be an + Ambassador, that his native land might still be discovered, and its + resources still be developed: but when his gaoler told him that the rest + of the prisoners were treated in a manner equally indulgent, because the + Vraibleusians are the most humane people in the world, Popanilla’s spirits + became somewhat depressed. + </p> + <p> + He was greatly consoled, however, by a daily visit from a body of the most + beautiful, the most accomplished, and the most virtuous females in + Hubbabub, who tasted his food to see that his cook did his duty, + recommended him a plentiful use of pine-apple well peppered, and made him + a present of a very handsome shirt, with worked frills and ruffles, to be + hanged in. This enchanting committee generally confined their attentions + to murderers and other victims of the passions, who were deserted in their + hour of need by the rest of the society they had outraged; but Popanilla, + being a foreigner, a Prince, and a Plenipotentiary, and not ill-looking, + naturally attracted a great deal of notice from those who desire the + amelioration of their species. + </p> + <p> + Popanilla was so pleased with his mode of life, and had acquired such a + taste for poetry, pin-apples, and pepper since he had ceased to be an + active member of society, that he applied to have his trial postponed, on + the ground of the prejudice which had been excited against him by the + public press. As his trial was at present inconvenient to the Government, + the postponement was allowed on these grounds. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime, the public agitation was subsiding. The nation reconciled + itself to the revolution in its fortunes. The ci-devant millionaires were + busied with retrenchment; the Government engaged in sweeping in as many + pink shells as were lying about the country; the mechanics contrived to + live upon chalk and sea-weed; and as the Aboriginal would not give his + corn away gratis, the Vraibleusians determined to give up bread. The + intellectual part of the nation were intently interested in discovering + the cause of the National Distress. One of the philosophers said that it + might all be traced to the effects of a war in which the Vraibleusians had + engaged about a century before. Another showed that it was altogether + clearly ascribable to the pernicious custom of issuing pink shells; but + if, instead of this mode of representing wealth, they had had recourse to + blue shells, the nation would now have advanced to a state of prosperity + which it had never yet reached. A third demonstrated to the satisfaction + of himself and his immediate circle that it was all owing to the Statue + having recently been repaired with silver instead of iron. The public were + unable to decide between these conflicting opinions; but they were still + more desirous of finding out a remedy for the evil than the cause of it. + </p> + <p> + An eloquent and philosophical writer, who entertains consolatory opinions + of human nature, has recently told us that ‘it is in the nature of things + that the intellectual wants of society should be supplied. Whenever the + man is required invariably the man will appear.’ So it happened in the + present instance. A public instructor jumped up in the person of Mr. + Flummery Flam, the least insinuating and the least plausible personage + that ever performed the easy task of gulling a nation. His manners were + vulgar, his voice was sharp, and his language almost unintelligible. + Flummery Flam was a provisional optimist. He maintained that everything + would be for the best, if the nation would only follow his advice. He told + the Vraibleusians that the present universal and overwhelming distress was + all and entirely and merely to be ascribed to ‘a slight over-trading,’ and + that all that was required to set everything right again was ‘a little + time.’ He showed that this over-trading and every other injudicious act + that had ever been committed were entirely to be ascribed to the nation + being imbued with erroneous and imperfect ideas of the nature of Demand + and Supply. He proved to them that if a tradesman cannot find customers + his goods will generally stay upon his own hands. He explained to the + Aboriginal the meaning of rent; to the mechanics the nature of wages; to + the manufacturers the signification of profits. He recommended that a + large edition of his own work should be printed at the public expense and + sold for his private profit. Finally, he explained how immediate, though + temporary, relief would be afforded to the State by the encouragement of + EMIGRATION. + </p> + <p> + The Vraibleusians began to recover their spirits. The Government had the + highest confidence in Flummery Flam, because Flummery Flam served to + divert the public thoughts. By his direction lectures were instituted at + the corner of every street, to instil the right principles of politics + into the mind of the great body of the people. Every person, from the + Managers of the Statue down to the chalk-chewing mechanics, attended + lectures on Flummery-Flammism. The Vraibleusians suddenly discovered that + it was the great object of a nation not to be the most powerful, or the + richest, or the best, or the wisest, but to be the most + Flummery-Flammistical. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER 18 + </h2> + <p> + The day fixed for Popanilla’s trial was at hand. The Prince was not + unprepared for the meeting. For some weeks before the appointed day he had + been deeply studying the published speeches of the greatest rhetorician + that flourished at the Vraibleusian bar. He was so inflated with their + style that he nearly blew down the gaoler every morning when he rehearsed + a passage before him. Indeed, Popanilla looked forward to his trial with + feelings of anticipated triumph. He determined boldly and fearlessly to + state the principles upon which his public conduct had been founded, the + sentiments he professed on most of the important subjects which interest + mankind, and the views he entertained of the progress of society. He would + then describe, in the most glowing language, the domestic happiness which + he enjoyed in his native isle. He would paint, in harrowing sentences, the + eternal misery and disgrace which his ignominious execution would entail + upon the grey-headed father, who looked up to him as a prop for his old + age; the affectionate mother, who perceived in him her husband again a + youth; the devoted wife, who could never survive his loss; and the sixteen + children, chiefly girls, whom his death would infallibly send upon the + parish. This, with an eulogistic peroration on the moral qualities of the + Vraibleusians and the political importance of Vraibleusia, would, he had + no doubt, not only save his neck, but even gain him a moderate pension. + </p> + <p> + The day arrived, the Court was crowded, and Popanilla had the satisfaction + of observing in the newspapers that tickets for the best gallery to + witness his execution were selling at a premium. + </p> + <p> + The indictment was read. He listened to it with intense attention. To his + surprise, he found himself accused of stealing two hundred and nineteen + Camelopards. All was now explained. He perceived that he had been mistaken + the whole of this time for another person. He could not contain himself. + He burst into an exclamation. He told the judge, in a voice of mingled + delight, humility, and triumph, that it was possible he might be guilty of + high treason, because he was ignorant of what the crime consisted; but as + for stealing two hundred and nineteen Camelopards, he declared that such a + larceny was a moral impossibility, because he had never seen one such + animal in the whole course of his life. + </p> + <p> + The judge was kind and considerate. He told the prisoner that the charge + of stealing Camelopards was a fiction of law; that he had no doubt he had + never seen one in the whole course of his life, nor in all probability had + any one in the whole Court. He explained to Popanilla, that originally + this animal greatly abounded in Vraibleusia; that the present Court, the + highest and most ancient in the kingdom, had then been instituted for the + punishment of all those who molested or injured that splendid animal. The + species, his lordship continued, had been long extinct; but the + Vraibleusians, duly reverencing the institutions of their ancestors, had + never presumed to abrogate the authority of the Camelopard Court, or + invest any other with equal privileges. Therefore, his lordship added, in + order to try you in this Court for a modern offence of high treason, you + must first be introduced by fiction of law as a stealer of Camelopards, + and then being in praesenti regio, in a manner, we proceed to business by + a special power for the absolute offence. Popanilla was so confounded by + the kindness of the judge and the clearness of his lordship’s statement + that he quite lost the thread of his peroration. + </p> + <p> + The trial proceeded. Everybody with whom Popanilla had conversed during + his visit to Vraibleusia was subpoenaed against him, and the evidence was + conclusive. Skindeep, who was brought up by a warrant from the King’s + Bench, proved the fact of Popanilla’s landing; and that he had given + himself out as a political exile, the victim of a tyrant, a corrupt + aristocracy, and a misguided people. But, either from a secret feeling + towards his former friend or from his aversion to answer questions, this + evidence was on the whole not very satisfactory. + </p> + <p> + The bookseller proved the publication of that fatal volume whose deceptive + and glowing statements were alone sufficient to ensure Popanilla’s fate. + It was in vain that the author avowed that he had never written a line of + his own book. This only made his imposture more evident. The little + philosopher with whom he had conversed at Lady Spirituelle’s, and who, + being a friend of Flummery Flam, had now obtained a place under + Government, invented the most condemning evidence. The Marquess of + Moustache sent in a state paper, desiring to be excused from giving + evidence, on account of the delicate situation in which he had been placed + with regard to the prisoner; but he referred them to his former Private + Secretary, who, he had no doubt, would afford every information. + Accordingly, the President of Fort Jobation, who had been brought over + specially, finished the business. + </p> + <p> + The Judge, although his family had suffered considerably by the late + madness for speculation, summed up in the most impartial manner. He told + the jury that, although the case was quite clear against the prisoner, + they were bound to give him the advantage of every reasonable doubt. The + foreman was about to deliver the verdict, when a trumpet sounded, and a + Government messenger ran breathless into Court. Presenting a scroll to the + presiding genius, he informed him that a remarkably able young man, + recently appointed one of the Managers of the Statue, in consequence of + the inconvenience which the public sustained from the innumerable quantity + of edicts of the Statue at present in force, had last night consolidated + them all into this single act, which, to render its operation still more + simple, was gifted with a retrospective power for the last half century. + </p> + <p> + His lordship, looking over the scroll, passed a high eulogium upon the + young consolidator, compared to whom, he said, Justinian was a country + attorney. Observing, however, that the crime of high treason had been + accidentally omitted in the consolidated legislation of Vraibleusia, he + directed the jury to find the prisoner ‘not guilty.’ As in Vraibleusia the + law believes every man’s character to be perfectly pure until a jury of + twelve persons finds the reverse, Popanilla was kicked out of court, amid + the hootings of the mob, without a stain upon his reputation. + </p> + <p> + It was late in the evening when he left the court. Exhausted both in mind + and body, the mischief being now done, and being totally unemployed, + according to custom, he began to moralise. ‘I begin to perceive,’ said he, + ‘that it is possible for a nation to exist in too artificial a state; that + a people may both think too much and do too much. All here exists in a + state of exaggeration. The nation itself professes to be in a situation in + which it is impossible for any nation ever to be naturally placed. To + maintain themselves in this false position, they necessarily have recourse + to much destructive conduct and to many fictitious principles. And as the + character of a people is modelled on that of their Government, in private + life this system of exaggeration equally prevails, and equally produces a + due quantity of ruinous actions and false sentiment! In the meantime, I am + starving, and dare not show my face in the light of day!’ + </p> + <p> + As he said this the house opposite was suddenly lit up, and the words + ‘EMIGRATION COMMITTEE’ were distinctly visible on a transparent blind. A + sudden resolution entered Popanilla’s mind to make an application to this + body. He entered the Committee-room, and took his place at the end of a + row of individuals, who were severally examined. When it was his turn to + come forward he began to tell his story from the beginning, and would + certainly have got to the lock of hair had not the President enjoined + silence. Popanilla was informed that the last Emigration-squadron was + about to sail in a few minutes; and that, although the number was + completed, his broad shoulders and powerful frame had gained him a place. + He was presented with a spade, a blanket, and a hard biscuit, and in a + quarter of an hour was quitting the port of Hubbabub. + </p> + <p> + Once more upon the waters, yet once more! + </p> + <p> + As the Emigration-squadron quitted the harbour two large fleets hove in + sight. The first was the expedition which had been despatched against the + decapitating King of the North, and which now returned heavily laden with + his rescued subjects. The other was the force which had flown to the + preservation of the body of the decapitated King of the South, and which + now brought back his Majesty embalmed, some Princes of the blood, and an + emigrant Aristocracy. + </p> + <p> + What became of the late Fantaisian Ambassador; whether he were destined + for Van Diemen’s Land or for Canada; what rare adventures he experienced + in Sydney, or Port Jackson, or Guelph City, or Goodrich Town; and whether + he discovered that man might exist in too natural a state, as well as in + too artificial a one, will probably be discovered, if ever we obtain + Captain Popanilla’s Second Voyage. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Voyage of Captain Popanilla, by +Benjamin Disraeli + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE VOYAGE OF CAPTAIN POPANILLA *** + +***** This file should be named 7816-h.htm or 7816-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/8/1/7816/ + +Produced by K. 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