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diff --git a/7816.txt b/7816.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1b640ef --- /dev/null +++ b/7816.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3851 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Voyage of Captain Popanilla, by Benjamin Disraeli + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Voyage of Captain Popanilla + +Author: Benjamin Disraeli + +Release Date: April, 2005 [EBook #7816] +Posting Date: July 23, 2009 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE VOYAGE OF CAPTAIN POPANILLA *** + + + + +Produced by K. Kay Shearin + + + + + + + + +THE VOYAGE OF CAPTAIN POPANILLA + +By Benjamin Disraeli + + +This narrative of an imaginary voyage was first published in 1827. + + + + +CHAPTER 1 + + +There is an island in the Indian Ocean, so unfortunate as not yet to +have been visited either by Discovery Ships or Missionary Societies. It +is a place where all those things are constantly found which men most +desire to see, and with the sight of which they are seldom favoured. It +abounds in flowers, and fruit, and sunshine. Lofty mountains, covered +with green and mighty forests, except where the red rocks catch the +fierce beams of the blazing sun, bowery valleys, broad lakes, gigantic +trees, and gushing rivers bursting from rocky gorges, are crowned with +a purple and ever cloudless sky. Summer, in its most unctuous state and +most mellow majesty, is here perpetual. So intense and overpowering, in +the daytime, is the rich union of heat and perfume, that living animal +or creature is never visible; and were you and I to pluck, before +sunset, the huge fruit from yonder teeming tree, we might fancy +ourselves for the moment the future sinners of another Eden. Yet a +solitude it is not. + +The island is surrounded by a calm and blue lagoon, formed by a ridge of +coral rocks, which break the swell of the ocean, and prevent the noxious +spray from banishing the rich shrubs which grow even to the water's +edge. It is a few minutes before sunset, that the first intimation of +animal existence in this seeming solitude is given, by the appearance of +mermaids; who, floating on the rosy sea, congregate about these rocks. +They sound a loud but melodious chorus from their sea-shells, and a +faint and distant chorus soon answers from the island. The mermaidens +immediately repeat their salutations, and are greeted with a nearer +and a louder answer. As the red and rayless sun drops into the glowing +waters, the choruses simultaneously join; and rushing from the woods, +and down the mountain steeps to the nearest shore, crowds of human +beings, at the same moment, appear and collect. + +The inhabitants of this island, in form and face, do not misbecome the +clime and the country. With the vivacity of a Faun, the men combine the +strength of a Hercules and the beauty of an Adonis; and, as their more +interesting companions flash upon his presence, the least classical of +poets might be excused for imagining that, like their blessed Goddess, +the women had magically sprung from the brilliant foam of that ocean +which is gradually subsiding before them. + +But sunset in this land is not the signal merely for the evidence of +human existence. At the moment that the Islanders, crowned with flowers, +and waving goblets and garlands, burst from their retreats, upon each +mountain peak a lion starts forward, stretches his proud tail, and, +bellowing to the sun, scours back exulting to his forest; immense +bodies, which before would have been mistaken for the trunks of trees, +now move into life, and serpents, untwining their green and glittering +folds, and slowly bending their crested heads around, seem proudly +conscious of a voluptuous existence; troops of monkeys leap from tree +to tree; panthers start forward, and alarmed, not alarming, instantly +vanish; a herd of milk-white elephants tramples over the back-ground of +the scene; and instead of gloomy owls and noxious beetles, to hail the +long-enduring twilight, from the bell of every opening flower beautiful +birds, radiant with every rainbow tint, rush with a long and living +melody into the cool air. + +The twilight in this island is not that transient moment of unearthly +bliss, which, in our less favoured regions, always leaves us so +thoughtful and so sad; on the contrary, it lasts many hours, and +consequently the Islanders are neither moody nor sorrowful. As they +sleep during the day, four or five hours of 'tipsy dance and revelry' +are exercise and not fatigue. At length, even in this delightful region, +the rosy tint fades into purple, and the purple into blue; the white +moon gleams, and at length glitters; and the invisible stars first creep +into light, and then blaze into radiancy. But no hateful dews discolour +their loveliness! and so clear is the air, that instead of the false +appearance of a studded vault, the celestial bodies may be seen floating +in aether, at various distances and of various tints. Ere the showery +fire-flies have ceased to shine, and the blue lights to play about the +tremulous horizon, amid the voices of a thousand birds, the dancers +solace themselves with the rarest fruits, the most delicate fish, and +the most delicious wines; but flesh they love not. They are an innocent +and a happy, though a voluptuous and ignorant race. They have no +manufactures, no commerce, no agriculture, and no printing-presses; but +for their slight clothing they wear the bright skins of serpents; for +corn, Nature gives them the bread-fruit; and for intellectual amusement, +they have a pregnant fancy and a ready wit; tell inexhaustible stories, +and always laugh at each other's jokes. A natural instinct gave them the +art of making wine; and it was the same benevolent Nature that blessed +them also with the knowledge of the art of making love. But time flies +even here. The lovely companions have danced, and sung, and banqueted, +and laughed; what further bliss remains for man? They rise, and in pairs +wander about the island, and then to their bowers; their life ends with +the Night they love so well; and ere Day, the everlasting conqueror, +wave his flaming standard in the luminous East, solitude and silence +will again reign in the ISLE OF FANTAISIE. + + + +CHAPTER 2 + + +The last and loudest chorus had died away, and the Islanders were +pouring forth their libation to their great enemy the Sun, when suddenly +a vast obscurity spread over the glowing West. They looked at each +other, and turned pale, and the wine from their trembling goblets fell +useless on the shore. The women were too frightened to scream, and, for +the first time in the Isle of Fantaisie, silence existed after sunset. +They were encouraged when they observed that the darkness ceased at that +point in the heavens which overlooked their coral rocks; and perceiving +that their hitherto unsullied sky was pure, even at this moment of +otherwise universal gloom, the men regained their colour, touched the +goblets with their lips, further to reanimate themselves, and the women, +now less discomposed, uttered loud shrieks. + +Suddenly the wind roared with unaccustomed rage, the sea rose into large +billows, and a ship was seen tossing in the offing. The Islanders, whose +experience of navigation extended only to a slight paddling in their +lagoon, in the half of a hollow trunk of a tree, for the purpose of +fishing, mistook the tight little frigate for a great fish; and being +now aware of the cause of this disturbance, and at the same time feeling +confident that the monster could never make way through the shallow +waters to the island, they recovered their courage, and gazed upon the +labouring leviathan with the same interested nonchalance with which +students at a modern lecture observe an expounding philosopher. + +'What a shadow he casts over the sky!' said the King, a young man, +whose divine right was never questioned by his female subjects. 'What a +commotion in the waters, and what a wind he snorts forth! It certainly +must be the largest fish that exists. I remember my father telling me +that a monstrous fish once got entangled among our rocks, and this part +of the island really smelt for a month; I cannot help fancying that +there is a rather odd smell now; pah!' + +A favourite Queen flew to the suffering monarch, and pressing her +aromatic lips upon his offended nostrils, his Majesty recovered. + +The unhappy crew of the frigate, who, with the aid of their telescopes, +had detected the crowds upon the shore, now fired their signal guns of +distress, which came sullenly booming through the wind. + +'Oh! the great fish is speaking!' was the universal exclamation. + +'I begin to get frightened,' said the favourite Queen. 'I am sure the +monster is coming here!' So saying, her Majesty grasped up a handful of +pearls from the shore, to defend herself. + +As screaming was now the fashion, all the women of course screamed; and +animated by the example of their sovereign, and armed with the marine +gems, the Amazons assumed an imposing attitude. + +Just at the moment that they had worked up their enthusiasm to the +highest pitch, and were actually desirous of dying for their country, +the ship sunk. + + + +CHAPTER 3 + + +It is the flush of noon; and, strange to say, a human figure is seen +wandering on the shore of the Isle of Fantaisie. + +'One of the crew of the wrecked frigate, of course? What an escape! +Fortunate creature! interesting man! Probably the indefatigable Captain +Parry; possibly the undaunted Captain Franklin; perhaps the adventurous +Captain Lyon!' + +No! sweet blue-eyed girl! my plots are not of that extremely guessable +nature so admired by your adorable sex. Indeed, this book is so +constructed that if you were even, according to custom, to commence +its perusal by reading the last page, you would not gain the slightest +assistance in finding out 'how the story ends.' + +The wanderer belongs to no frigate-building nation. He is a true +Fantaisian; who having, in his fright, during yesterday's storm, lost +the lock of hair which, in a moment of glorious favour, he had ravished +from his fair mistress's brow, is now, after a sleepless night, tracing +every remembered haunt of yesterday, with the fond hope of regaining +his most precious treasure. Ye Gentlemen of England, who live at home at +ease, know full well the anxiety and exertion, the days of management, +and the nights of meditation which the rape of a lock requires, and you +can consequently sympathize with the agitated feelings of the handsome +and the hapless Popanilla. + +The favourite of all the women, the envy of all the men, Popanilla +passed a pleasant life. No one was a better judge of wine, no one had a +better taste for fruit, no one danced with more elegant vivacity, and no +one whispered compliments in a more meaning tone. His stories ever had +a point, his repartees were never ill-natured. What a pity that such an +amiable fellow should have got into such a scrape! + +In spite of his grief, however, Popanilla soon found that the ardency of +his passion evaporated under a smoking sun; and, exhausted, he was +about to return home from his fruitless search, when his attention +was attracted by a singular appearance. He observed before him, on +the shore, a square and hitherto unseen form. He watched it for some +minutes, but it was motionless. He drew nearer, and observed it with +intense attention; but, if it were a being, it certainly was fast +asleep. He approached close to its side, but it neither moved nor +breathed. He applied his nose to the mysterious body, and the elegant +Fantaisian drew back immediately from a most villanous smell of pitch. +Not to excite too much, in this calm age, the reader's curiosity, let +him know at once that this strange substance was a sea-chest. Upon it +was marked, in large black letters, S. D. K. No. 1. + +For the first time in his life Popanilla experienced a feeling of +overwhelming curiosity. His fatigue, his loss, the scorching hour, and +the possible danger were all forgotten in an indefinite feeling that the +body possessed contents more interesting than its unpromising exterior, +and in a resolute determination that the development of the mystery +should be reserved only for himself. + +Although he felt assured that he must be unseen, he could not refrain +from throwing a rapid glance of anxiety around him. It was a moment of +perfect stillness: the island slept in sunshine, and even the waves had +ceased to break over the opposing rocks. A thousand strange and singular +thoughts rushed into his mind, but his first purpose was ever uppermost; +and at length, unfolding his girdle of skin, he tied the tough cincture +round the chest, and, exerting all his powers, dragged his mysterious +waif into the nearest wood. + +But during this operation the top fell off, and revealed the neatest +collection of little packages that ever pleased the eye of the admirer +of spruce arrangement. Popanilla took up packets upon all possible +subjects; smelt them, but they were not savory; he was sorely puzzled. +At last, he lighted on a slender volume bound in brown calf, which, +with the confined but sensual notions of a savage, he mistook for +gingerbread, at least. It was 'The Universal Linguist, by Mr. Hamilton; +or, the Art of Dreaming in Languages.' + +No sooner had Popanilla passed that well-formed nose, which had been so +often admired by the lady whose lock of hair he had unfortunately lost, +a few times over a few pages of the Hamiltonian System than he sank +upon his bed of flowers, and, in spite of his curiosity, was instantly +overcome by a profound slumber. But his slumber, though deep, was not +peaceful, and he was the actor in an agitating drama. + +He found himself alone in a gay and glorious garden. In the centre of it +grew a pomegranate tree of prodigious size; its top was lost in the sky, +and its innumerable branches sprang out in all directions, covered with +large fruit of a rich golden hue. Beautiful birds were perched upon all +parts of the tree, and chanted with perpetual melody the beauties of +their bower. Tempted by the delicious sight, Popanilla stretched forward +his ready hand to pluck; but no sooner had he grasped the fruit than the +music immediately ceased, the birds rushed away, the sky darkened, +the tree fell under the wind, the garden vanished, and Popanilla found +himself in the midst of a raging sea, buffeting the waves. + +He would certainly have been drowned had he not been immediately +swallowed up by the huge monster which had not only been the occasion +of the storm of yesterday, but, ah! most unhappy business! been the +occasion also of his losing that lock of hair. + +Ere he could congratulate himself on his escape he found fresh cause for +anxiety, for he perceived that he was no longer alone. No friends were +near him; but, on, the contrary, he was surrounded by strangers of a far +different aspect. They were men certainly; that is to say, they had legs +and arms, and heads, and bodies as himself; but instead of that bloom +of youth, that regularity of feature, that amiable joyousness of +countenance, which he had ever been accustomed to meet and to love +in his former companions, he recoiled in horror from the swarthy +complexions, the sad visages, and the haggard features of his present +ones. They spoke to him in a harsh and guttural accent. He would have +fled from their advances; but then he was in the belly of a whale! When +he had become a little used to their tones he was gratified by finding +that their attentions were far from hostile; and, after having received +from them a few compliments, he began to think that they were not quite +so ugly. He discovered that the object of their inquires was the fatal +pomegranate which still remained in his hand. They admired its beauty, +and told him that they greatly esteemed an individual who possessed +such a mass of precious ore. Popanilla begged to undeceive them, and +courteously presented the fruit. No sooner, however, had he parted with +this apple of discord, than the countenances of his companions changed. +Immediately discovering its real nature, they loudly accused Popanilla +of having deceived them; he remonstrated, and they recriminated; and the +great fish, irritated by their clamour, lashed its huge tail, and with +one efficacious vomit spouted the innocent Popanilla high in the air. He +fell with such a dash into the waves that he was awakened by the sound +of his own fall. + +The dreamer awoke amidst real chattering, and scuffling, and clamour. A +troop of green monkeys had been aroused by his unusual occupation, and +had taken the opportunity of his slumber to become acquainted with some +of the first principles of science. What progress they had made it +is difficult to ascertain; because, each one throwing a tract at +Popanilla's head, they immediately disappeared. It is said, however, +that some monkeys have been since seen skipping about the island, +with their tails cut off; and that they have even succeeded in passing +themselves off for human beings among those people who do not read +novels, and are consequently unacquainted with mankind. + +The morning's adventure immediately rushed into Popanilla's mind, and +he proceeded forthwith to examine the contents of his chest; but with +advantages which had not been yet enjoyed by those who had previously +peeped into it. The monkeys had not been composed to sleep by the +'Universal Linguist' of Mr. Hamilton. As for Popanilla, he took up a +treatise on hydrostatics, and read it straight through on the spot. For +the rest of the day he was hydrostatically mad; nor could the commonest +incident connected with the action or conveyance of water take place +without his speculating on its cause and consequence. + +So enraptured was Popanilla with his new accomplishments and +acquirements that by degrees he avoided attendance on the usual evening +assemblages, and devoted himself solely to the acquirement of useful +knowledge. After a short time his absence was remarked; but the greatest +and the most gifted has only to leave his coterie, called the world, for +a few days, to be fully convinced of what slight importance he really +is. And so Popanilla, the delight of society and the especial favourite +of the women, was in a very short time not even inquired after. At +first, of course, they supposed that he was in love, or that he had +a slight cold, or that he was writing his memoirs; and as these +suppositions, in due course, take their place in the annals of society +as circumstantial histories, in about a week one knew the lady, another +had beard him sneeze, and a third had seen the manuscript. At the end of +another week Popanilla was forgotten. + + + +CHAPTER 4 + + +Six months had elapsed since the first chest of the cargo of Useful +Knowledge destined for the fortunate Maldives had been digested by the +recluse Popanilla; for a recluse he had now become. Great students are +rather dull companions. Our Fantaisian friend, during his first studies, +was as moody, absent, and querulous as are most men of genius during +that mystical period of life. He was consequently avoided by the men and +quizzed by the women, and consoled himself for the neglect of the first +and the taunts of the second by the indefinite sensation that he should, +some day or other, turn out that little being called a great man. As for +his mistress, she considered herself insulted by being addressed by +a man who had lost her lock of hair. When the chest was exhausted +Popanilla was seized with a profound melancholy. Nothing depresses a +man's spirits more completely than a self-conviction of self-conceit; +and Popanilla, who had been accustomed to consider himself and his +companions as the most elegant portion of the visible creation, now +discovered, with dismay, that he and his fellow-islanders were nothing +more than a horde of useless savages. + +This mortification, however, was soon succeeded by a proud consciousness +that he, at any rate, was now civilised; and that proud consciousness by +a fond hope that in a short time he might become a civiliser. Like all +projectors, he was not of a sanguine temperament; but he did trust that +in the course of another season the Isle of Fantaisie might take its +station among the nations. He was determined, however, not to be too +rapid. It cannot be expected that ancient prejudices can in a moment +be eradicated, and new modes of conduct instantaneously substituted and +established. Popanilla, like a wise man, determined to conciliate. His +views were to be as liberal, as his principles were enlightened. +Men should be forced to do nothing. Bigotry, and intolerance, and +persecution were the objects of his decided disapprobation; resembling, +in this particular, all the great and good men who have ever existed, +who have invariably maintained this opinion so long as they have been in +the minority. + +Popanilla appeared once more in the world. + +'Dear me! is that you, Pop?' exclaimed the ladies. 'What have you been +doing with yourself all this time? Travelling, I suppose. Every one +travels now. Really you travelled men get quite bores. And where did you +get that coat, if it be a coat?' + +Such was the style in which the Fantaisian females saluted the long +absent Popanilla; and really, when a man shuts himself up from the world +for a considerable time, and fancies that in condescending to re-enter +it he has surely the right to expect the homage due to a superior being, +these salutations are awkward. The ladies of England peculiarly excel in +this species of annihilation; and while they continue to drown puppies, +as they daily do, in a sea of sarcasm, I think no true Englishman will +hesitate one moment in giving them the preference for tact and manner +over all the vivacious French, all the self-possessing Italian, and all +the tolerant German women. This is a claptrap, and I have no doubt will +sell the book. + +Popanilla, however, had not re-entered society with the intention of +subsiding into a nonentity; and he therefore took the opportunity, a +few minutes after sunset, just as his companions were falling into the +dance, to beg the favour of being allowed to address his sovereign only +for one single moment. + +'Sire!' said he, in that mild tone of subdued superciliousness with +which we should always address kings, and which, while it vindicates our +dignity, satisfactorily proves that we are above the vulgar passion of +envy, 'Sire!' but let us not encourage that fatal faculty of oratory so +dangerous to free states, and therefore let us give only the 'substance +of Popanilla's speech.' * He commenced his address in a manner somewhat +resembling the initial observations of those pleasing pamphlets which +are the fashion of the present hour; and which, being intended to +diffuse information among those who have not enjoyed the opportunity +and advantages of study, and are consequently of a gay and cheerful +disposition, treat of light subjects in a light and polished style. +Popanilla, therefore, spoke of man in a savage state, the origin of +society, and the elements of the social compact, in sentences which +would not have disgraced the mellifluous pen of Bentham. From these he +naturally digressed into an agreeable disquisition on the Anglo-Saxons; +and, after a little badinage on the Bill of Rights, flew off to an airy +aper u of the French Revolution. When he had arrived at the Isle +of Fantaisie he begged to inform his Majesty that man was born for +something else besides enjoying himself. It was, doubtless, extremely +pleasant to dance and sing, to crown themselves with chaplets, and to +drink wine; but he was 'free to confess' that he did not imagine that +the most barefaced hireling of corruption could for a moment presume +to maintain that there was any utility in pleasure. If there were no +utility in pleasure, it was quite clear that pleasure could profit no +one. If, therefore, it were unprofitable, it was injurious; because +that which does not produce a profit is equivalent to a loss; therefore +pleasure is a losing business; consequently pleasure is not pleasant. + + * Substance of a speech, in Parliamentary language, means a printed + edition of an harangue which contains all that was uttered in the + House, and about as much again. + +He also showed that man was not born for himself, but for society; that +the interests of the body are alone to be considered, and not those of +the individual; and that a nation might be extremely happy, extremely +powerful, and extremely rich, although every individual member of +it might at the same time be miserable, dependent, and in debt. He +regretted to observe that no one in the island seemed in the slightest +decree conscious of the object of his being. Man is created for a +purpose; the object of his existence is to perfect himself. Man is +imperfect by nature, because if nature had made him perfect he would +have had no wants; and it is only by supplying his wants that utility +can be developed. The development of utility is therefore the object +of our being, and the attainment of this great end the cause of our +existence. This principle clears all doubts, and rationally accounts for +a state of existence which has puzzled many pseudo-philosophers. + +Popanilla then went on to show that the hitherto received definitions +of man were all erroneous; that man is neither a walking animal, nor +a talking animal, nor a cooking animal, nor a lounging animal, nor a +debt-incurring, animal, nor a tax-paying animal, nor a printing animal, +nor a puffing animal, but a developing animal. Development is the +discovery of utility. By developing the water we get fish; by developing +the earth we get corn, and cash, and cotton; by developing the air we +get breath; by developing the fire we get heat. Thus, the use of the +elements is demonstrated to the meanest capacity. But it was not merely +a material development to which he alluded; a moral development was +equally indispensable. He showed that it was impossible for a nation +either to think too much or to do too much. The life of man was +therefore to be passed in a moral and material development until he had +consummated his perfection. It was the opinion of Popanilla that this +great result was by no means so near at hand as some philosophers +flattered themselves; and that it might possibly require another +half-century before even the most civilised nation could be said to have +completed the destiny of the human race. At the same time, he intimated +that there were various extraordinary means by which this rather +desirable result might be facilitated; and there was no saying what the +building of a new University might do, of which, when built, he had no +objection to be appointed Principal. + +In answer to those who affect to admire that deficient system +of existence which they style simplicity of manners, and who are +perpetually committing the blunder of supposing that every advance +towards perfection only withdraws man further from his primitive and +proper condition, Popanilla triumphantly demonstrated that no such order +as that which they associated with the phrase 'state of nature' ever +existed. 'Man,' said he, 'is called the masterpiece of nature; and man +is also, as we all know, the most curious of machines; now, a machine +is a work of art, consequently, the masterpiece of nature is the +masterpiece of art. The object of all mechanism is the attainment of +utility; the object of man, who is the most perfect machine, is utility +in the highest degree. Can we believe, therefore, that this machine +was ever intended for a state which never could have called forth its +powers, a state in which no utility could ever have been attained, +a state in which there are no wants; consequently, no demand; +consequently, no supply; consequently, no competition; consequently, no +invention; consequently, no profits; only one great pernicious monopoly +of comfort and ease? Society without wants is like a world without +winds. It is quite clear, therefore, that there is no such thing as +Nature; Nature is Art, or Art is Nature; that which is most useful +is most natural, because utility is the test of nature; therefore a +steam-engine is in fact a much more natural production than a mountain.* + + * The age seems as anti-mountainous as it is anti-monarchical. + A late writer insinuates that if the English had spent their + millions in levelling the Andes, instead of excavating the + table-lands, society might have been benefited. These + monstrosities are decidedly useless, and therefore can neither + be sublime nor beautiful, as has been unanswerably demonstrated + by another recent writer on political aesthetics--See also a + personal attack on Mont Blanc, in the second number of the + Foreign Quarterly Review, 1828. + +'You are convinced, therefore,' he continued, 'by these observations, +that it is impossible for an individual or a nation to be too artificial +in their manners, their ideas, their laws, or their general policy; +because, in fact, the more artificial you become the nearer you approach +that state of nature of which you are so perpetually talking.' Here +observing that some of his audience appeared to be a little sceptical, +perhaps only surprised, he told them that what he said must be true, +because it entirely consisted of first principles. * + + * First principles are the ingredients of positive truth. They + are immutable, as may be seen by comparing the first principles + of the eighteenth century with the first principles of the + nineteenth. + +After having thus preliminarily descanted for about two hours, Popanilla +informed his Majesty that he was unused to public speaking, and then +proceeded to show that the grand characteristic of the social action +* of the Isle of Fantaisie was a total want of development. This he +observed with equal sorrow and surprise; he respected the wisdom of +their ancestors; at the same time, no one could deny that they were both +barbarous and ignorant; he highly esteemed also the constitution, +but regretted that it was not in the slightest degree adapted to the +existing want of society: he was not for destroying any establishments, +but, on the contrary, was for courteously affording them the opportunity +of self-dissolution. He finished by re-urging, in strong terms, the +immediate development of the island. In the first place, a great +metropolis must be instantly built, because a great metropolis always +produces a great demand; and, moreover, Popanilla had some legal doubts +whether a country without a capital could in fact be considered a State. +Apologising for having so long trespassed upon the attention of the +assembly, he begged distinctly to state ** that he had no wish to see +his Majesty and his fellow-subjects adopt these new principles without +examination and without experience. They might commence on a small +scale; let them cut down their forests, and by turning them into ships +and houses discover the utility of timber; let the whole island be dug +up; let canals be cut, docks be built, and all the elephants be +killed directly, that their teeth might yield an immediate article +for exportation. A short time would afford a sufficient trial. In the +meanwhile, they would not be pledged to further measures, and these +might be considered only as an experiment. *** Taking for granted that +these principles would be acted on, and taking into consideration the +site of the island in the map of the world, the nature and extent of its +resources, its magnificent race of human beings, its varieties of the +animal creation, its wonderfully fine timber, its undeveloped mineral +treasures, the spaciousness of its harbours, and its various facilities +for extended international communication, Popanilla had no hesitation in +saying that a short time could not elapse ere, instead of passing their +lives in a state of unprofitable ease and useless enjoyment, they might +reasonably expect to be the terror and astonishment of the universe, and +to be able to annoy every nation of any consequence. + + * This simple and definite phrase we derive from the nation to + whom we were indebted during the last century for some other + phrases about as definite, but rather more dangerous. + + ** Another phrase of Parliament, which, I need not observe, is + always made use of in oratory when the orator can see his + meaning about as distinctly as Sancho perceived the charms + of Dulcinea. + + *** A very famous and convenient phrase this--but in politics + experiments mean revolutions. 1828. + +Here, observing a smile upon his Majesty's countenance, Popanilla told +the King that he was only a chief magistrate, and he had no more right +to laugh at him than a parish constable. He concluded by observing that +although what he at present urged might appear strange, nevertheless, +if the listeners had been acquainted with the characters and cases +of Galileo and Turgot, they would then have seen, as a necessary +consequence, that his system was perfectly correct, and he himself a man +of extraordinary merit. + +Here the chief magistrate, no longer daring to smile, burst into a fit +of laughter; and turning to his courtiers said, 'I have not an idea what +this man is talking about, but I know that he makes my head ache: give +me a cup of wine, and let us have a dance.' + +All applauded the royal proposition; and pushing Popanilla from one to +another, until he was fairly hustled to the brink of the lagoon, they +soon forgot the existence of this bore: in one word, he was cut. When +Popanilla found himself standing alone, and looking grave while all +the rest were gay, he began to suspect that he was not so influential +a personage as he previously imagined. Rather crest-fallen, he sneaked +home; and consoled himself for having nobody to speak to by reading some +amusing 'Conversations on Political Economy.' + + + +CHAPTER 5 + + +Popanilla was discomposed, but he was not discomfited. He consoled +himself for the Royal neglect by the recollection of the many +illustrious men who had been despised, banished, imprisoned, and burnt +for the maintenance of opinions which, centuries afterwards, had +been discovered to be truth. He did not forget that in still further +centuries the lately recognised truth had been re-discovered to be +falsehood; but then these men were not less illustrious; and what wonder +that their opinions were really erroneous, since they were not his +present ones? The reasoning was equally conclusive and consolatory. +Popanilla, therefore, was not discouraged; and although he deemed it +more prudent not to go out of his way to seek another audience of his +sovereign, or to be too anxious again to address a public meeting, +he nevertheless determined to proceed cautiously, but constantly, +propagating his doctrines and proselytizing in private. + +Unfortunately for Popanilla, he did not enjoy one advantage which all +founders of sects have duly appreciated, and by which they have been +materially assisted. It is a great and an unanswerable argument in +favour of a Providence that we constantly perceive that the most +beneficial results are brought about by the least worthy and most +insignificant agents. The purest religions would never have been +established had they not been supported by sinners who felt the burthen +of the old faith; and the most free and enlightened governments +are often generated by the discontented, the disappointed, and the +dissolute. Now, in the Isle of Fantaisie, unfortunately for our +revolutionizer, there was not a single grumbler. + +Unable, therefore, to make the bad passions of his fellow creatures the +unconscious instruments of his good purposes, Popanilla must have been +contented to have monopolised all the wisdom of the moderns, had he not, +with the unbaffled wit of an inventor, hit upon a new expedient. Like +Socrates, our philosopher began to cultivate with sedulousness the +society of youth. + +In a short time the ladies of Fantaisie were forced to observe that the +fair sex most unfashionably predominated in their evening assemblages; +for the young gentlemen of the island had suddenly ceased to pay their +graceful homage at the altar of Terpsichore. In an Indian isle not to +dance was as bad as heresy. The ladies rallied the recreants, but their +playful sarcasms failed of their wonted effect. In the natural course +of things they had recourse to remonstrances, but their appeals were +equally fruitless. The delicate creatures tried reproaches, but the +boyish cynics received them with a scowl and answered them with a sneer. + +The women fled in indignation to their friendly monarch; but the +voluptuary of nature only shrugged his shoulders and smiled. He kissed +away their tears, and their frowns vanished as he crowned their long +hair with roses. + +'If the lads really show such bad taste,' said his Majesty, 'why I and +my lords must do double duty, and dance with a couple of you at once.' +Consoled and complimented, and crowned by a King, who could look sad? +The women forgot their anger in their increasing loyalty. + +But the pupils of Popanilla had no sooner mastered the first principles +of science than they began to throw off their retired habits and +uncommunicative manners. Being not utterly ignorant of some of the +rudiments of knowledge, and consequently having completed their +education, it was now their duty, as members of society, to instruct +and not to study. They therefore courted, instead of shunned, their +fellow-creatures; and on all occasions seized all opportunities +of assisting the spread of knowledge. The voices of lecturing boys +resounded in every part of the island. Their tones were so shrill, +their manners so presuming, their knowledge so crude, and their general +demeanour so completely unamiable, that it was impossible to hear them +without delight, advantage, and admiration. + +The women were not now the only sufferers and the only complainants. +Dinned to death, the men looked gloomy; and even the King, for the first +time in his life, looked grave. Could this Babel, he thought, be that +empire of bliss, that delightful Fantaisie, where to be ruler only +proved that you were the most skilful in making others happy! His +brow ached under his light flowery crown, as if it were bound by the +barbarous circle of a tyrant, heavy with gems and gold. In his despair +he had some thoughts of leaving his kingdom and betaking himself to the +mermaids. + +The determination of the most precious portion of his subjects saved his +empire. As the disciples of the new school were daily demanding, 'What +is the use of dancing? what is the use of drinking wine? what is the use +of smelling flowers?' the women, like prescient politicians, began +to entertain a nervous suspicion that in time these sages might even +presume to question the utility of that homage which, in spite of the +Grecian Philosophers and the British Essayists, we have been in the +habit of conceding to them ever since Eden; and they rushed again to +the King like frightened deer. Something now was to be done; and the +monarch, with an expression of countenance which almost amounted to +energy, whispered consolation. + +The King sent for Popanilla; the message produced a great sensation; the +enlightened introducer of the new principles had not been at Court +since he was cut. No doubt his Majesty was at last impregnated with the +liberal spirit of the age; and Popanilla was assuredly to be Premier. +In fact, it must be so; he was 'sent for;' there was no precedent in +Fantaisie, though there might be in other islands, for a person being +'sent for' and not being Premier. His disciples were in high spirits; +the world was now to be regulated upon right principles, and they were +to be installed into their right places. + +'Illustrious Popanilla!' said the King, 'you once did me the honour of +making me a speech which, unfortunately for myself, I candidly confess, +I was then incapable of understanding; no wonder, as it was the first +I ever beard. I shall not, however, easily forget the effect which it +produced upon me. I have since considered it my duty, as a monarch, to +pay particular attention to your suggestions. I now understand them with +sufficient clearness to be fully convinced of their excellence, and in +future I intend to act upon them, without any exception or deviation. +To prove my sincerity, I have determined to commence the new system at +once; and as I think that, without some extension of our international +relations, the commercial interest of this island will be incapable +of furnishing the taxes which I intend to levy, I have determined, +therefore, to fit out an expedition for the purpose of discovering new +islands and forming relations with new islanders. It is but due to your +merit that you should be appointed to the command of it; and further +to testify my infinite esteem for your character, and my complete +confidence in your abilities, I make you post-captain on the spot. As +the axiom of your school seems to be that everything can be made perfect +at once, without time, without experience, without practice, and without +preparation, I have no doubt, with the aid of a treatise or two, You +will make a consummate naval commander, although you have never been at +sea in the whole course of your life. Farewell, Captain Popanilla!' + +No sooner was this adieu uttered than four brawny lords of the +bed-chamber seized the Turgot of Fantaisie by the shoulders, and carried +him with inconceivable rapidity to the shore. His pupils, who would +have fled to his rescue, were stifled with the embraces of their former +partners, and their utilitarianism dissolved in the arms of those they +once so rudely rejected. As for their tutor, he was thrust into one of +the canoes, with some fresh water, bread-fruit, dried fish, and a basket +of alligator-pears. A band of mermaids carried the canoe with exquisite +management through the shallows and over the breakers, and poor +Popanilla in a few minutes found himself out at sea. Tremendously +frightened, he offered to recant all his opinions, and denounce as +traitors any individuals whom the Court might select. But his former +companions did not exactly detect the utility of his return. His offers, +his supplications, were equally fruitless; and the only answer which +floated to him on the wind was, 'Farewell, Captain Popanilla!' + + + +CHAPTER 6 + + +Night fell upon the waters, dark and drear, and thick and misty. How +unlike those brilliant hours that once summoned him to revelry and love! +Unhappy Popanilla! Thy delicious Fantaisie has vanished! Ah, pitiable +youth! What could possibly have induced you to be so very rash? And all +from that unlucky lock of hair! + +After a few natural paroxysms of rage, terror, anguish, and remorse, +the Captain as naturally subsided into despair, and awaited with sullen +apathy that fate which could not be far distant. The only thing which +puzzled the philosophical navigator was his inability to detect what +useful end could be attained by his death. At length, remembering that +fish must be fed, his theory and his desperation were at the same time +confirmed. + +A clear, dry morning succeeded the wet, gloomy night, and Popanilla had +not yet gone down. This extraordinary suspension of his fate roused him +from his stupor, and between the consequent excitement and the morning +air he acquired an appetite. Philosophical physicians appear to +have agreed that sorrow, to a certain extent, is not unfavourable to +digestion; and as Popanilla began to entertain some indefinite and +unreasonable hopes, the alligator-pears quickly disappeared. In +the meantime the little canoe cut her way, as if she were chasing a +smuggler; and had it not been for a shark or two who, in anticipation +of their services being required, never left her side for a second, +Popanilla really might have made some ingenious observations on the +nature of tides. He was rather surprised, certainly, as he watched his +frail bark cresting the waves; but he soon supposed that this was all in +the natural course of things; and he now ascribed his previous fright, +not to the peril of his situation, but to his inexperience of it. + +Although his apprehension of being drowned was now removed, yet when he +gazed on the boundless vacancy before him, and also observed that his +provisions rapidly decreased, he began to fear that he was destined for +a still more horrible fate, and that, after having eaten his own +slices, he must submit to be starved. In this state of despondency, with +infinite delight and exultation Le clearly observed, on the second +clay, at twenty-seven minutes past three P.M., though at a considerable +distance, a mountain and an island. His joy and his pride were equal, +and excessive: he called the first Alligator Mountain, in gratitude to +the pears; and christened the second after his mistress, that unlucky +mistress! The swift canoe soon reached the discoveries, and the happy +discoverer further found, to his mortification, that the mountain was +a mist and the island a sea-weed. Popanilla now grew sulky, and threw +himself down in the bottom of his boat. + +On the third morning he was awakened by a tremendous roar; on looking +around him he perceived that he was in a valley formed by two waves, +each several hundred feet high. This seemed the crisis of his fate; he +shut his eyes, as people do when they are touched by a dentist, and in +a few minutes was still bounding on the ocean in the eternal canoe, safe +but senseless. Some tremendous peals of thunder, a roaring wind, and a +scathing lightning confirmed his indisposition; and had not the tempest +subsided, Popanilla would probably have been an idiot for life. The dead +and soothing calm which succeeded this tornado called him back again +gradually to existence. He opened his eyes, and, scarcely daring to try +a sense, immediately shut them; then hearing a deep sigh, he shrugged +his shoulders, and looked as pitiable as a prime minister with a +rebellious cabinet. At length he ventured to lift up his head; there was +not a wrinkle on the face of ocean; a halcyon fluttered over him, and +then scudded before his canoe, and gamesome porpoises were tumbling at +his side. The sky was cloudless, except in the direction to which he was +driving; but even as Popanilla observed, with some misgivings, the mass +of vapours which had there congregated, the great square and solid black +clouds drew off like curtains, and revealed to his entranced vision a +magnificent city rising out of the sea. + +Tower, and dome, and arch, column, and spire, and obelisk, and lofty +terraces, and many-windowed palaces, rose in all directions from a mass +of building which appeared to him each instant to grow more huge, till +at length it seemed to occupy the whole horizon. The sun lent additional +lustre to the dazzling quays of white marble which apparently surrounded +this mighty city, and which rose immediately from the dark blue waters. +As the navigator drew nearer, he observed that in most parts the quays +were crowded with beings who, he trusted, were human, and already the +hum of multitudes broke upon his inexperienced ear: to him a sound far +more mysterious and far more exciting than the most poetical of winds +to the most wind of poets. On the right of this vast city rose what +was mistaken by Popanilla for an immense but leafless forest; but more +practical men than the Fantaisian Captain have been equally confounded +by the first sight of a million of masts. + +The canoe cut its way with increased rapidity, and ere Popanilla had +recovered himself sufficiently to make even an ejaculation, he found +himself at the side of a quay. Some amphibious creatures, whom he +supposed to be mermen, immediately came to his assistance, rather stared +at his serpent-skin coat, and then helped him up the steps. Popanilla +was instantly surrounded. + +'Who are you?' said one. + +'What are you?' asked another. + +'Who is it?' exclaimed a third. + +'What is it?' screamed a fourth. + +'My friends, I am a man!' + +'A man!' said the women; 'are you sure you are a real man?' + +'He must be a sea-god!' said the females. + +'She must be a sea-goddess!' said the males. + +'A Triton!' maintained the women. + +'A Nereid!' argued the men. + +'It is a great fish!' said the boys. + +Thanks to the Universal Linguist, Captain Popanilla, under these +peculiar circumstances, was more loquacious than could have been Captain +Parry. + +'Good people! you see before you the most injured of human beings.' + +This announcement inspired general enthusiasm. The women wept, the men +shook hands with him, and all the boys huzzaed. Popanilla proceeded:-- + +'Actuated by the most pure, the most patriotic, the most noble, the most +enlightened, and the most useful sentiments, I aspired to ameliorate the +condition of my fellowmen. To this grand object I have sacrificed all +that makes life delightful: I have lost my station in society, my taste +for dancing, my popularity with the men, my favour with the women; +and last, but, oh! not least (excuse this emotion), I have lost a very +particular lock of hair. In one word, my friends, you see before you, +banished, ruined, and unhappy, the victim of a despotic sovereign, a +corrupt aristocracy, and a misguided people.' + +No sooner had he ceased speaking than Popanilla really imagined that he +had only escaped the dangers of sedition and the sea to expire by less +hostile, though not less effective, means. To be strangled was not +much better than to be starved: and certainly, with half-a-dozen highly +respectable females clinging round his neck, he was not reminded for +the first time in his life what a domestic bowstring is an affectionate +woman. In an agony of suffocation he thought very little of his arms, +although the admiration of the men had already, in his imagination, +separated these useful members from his miserable body and had it not +been for some justifiable kicking and plunging, the veneration of the +ingenuous and surrounding youth, which manifested itself by their active +exertions to divide his singular garment into relics of a martyr of +liberty, would soon have effectually prevented the ill-starred Popanilla +from being again mistaken for a Nereid. Order was at length restored, +and a committee of eight appointed to regulate the visits of the +increasing mob. + +The arrangements were judicious; the whole populace was marshalled into +ranks; classes of twelve persons were allowed consecutively to walk past +the victim of tyranny, corruption, and ignorance; and each person had +the honour to touch his finger. During this proceeding, which lasted a +few hours, an influential personage generously offered to receive +the eager subscriptions of the assembled thousands. Even the boys +subscribed, and ere six hours had passed since his arrival as a coatless +vagabond in this liberal city, Captain Popanilla found himself a person +of considerable means. + +The receiver of the subscriptions, while he crammed Popanilla's +serpent-skin pockets fall of gold pieces, at the same time kindly +offered the stranger to introduce him to an hotel. Popanilla, who +was quite beside himself, could only bow his assent, and mechanically +accompanied his conductor. When he had regained his faculty of speech, +he endeavoured, in wandering sentences of grateful incoherency, to +express his deep sense of this unparalleled liberality. 'It was an +excess of generosity in which mankind could never have before indulged!' + +'By no means!' said his companion, with great coolness; 'far from this +being an unparalleled affair, I assure you it is a matter of hourly +occurrence; make your mind quite easy. You are probably not aware that +you are now living in the richest and the most charitable country in the +world?' + +'Wonderful!' said Popanilla; 'and what is the name, may I ask, of this +charitable city?' + +'Is it possible,' said his companion, with a faint smile, 'that you are +ignorant of the great city of Hubbabub; the largest city not only +that exists, but that ever did exist, and the capital of the island of +Vraibleusia, the most famous island not only that is known, but that +ever was known?' + +While he was speaking they were accosted by a man upon crutches, who, +telling them in a broken voice that he had a wife and twelve infant +children dependent on his support, supplicated a little charity. +Popanilla was about to empty part of his pocketfuls into the mendicant's +cap, but his companion repressed his unphilosophical facility. 'By no +means!' said his friend, who, turning round to the beggar, advised him, +in a mild voice, to work; calmly adding, that if he presumed to ask +charity again he should certainly have him bastinadoed. Then they walked +on. + +Popanilla's attention was so distracted by the variety, the number, the +novelty, and the noise of the objects which were incessantly hurried +upon his observation, that he found no time to speak; and as his +companion, though exceedingly polite, was a man of few words, +conversation rather flagged. + +At last, overwhelmed by the magnificence of the streets, the splendour +of the shops, the number of human beings, the rattling of the vehicles, +the dashing of the horses, and a thousand other sounds and objects, +Popanilla gave loose to a loud and fervent wish that his hotel might +have the good fortune of being situated in this interesting quarter. + +'By no means!' said his companion; 'we have yet much further to go. Far +from this being a desirable situation for you, my friend, no civilised +person is ever seen here; and had not the cause of civil and religious +liberty fortunately called me to the water-side to-day, I should have +lost the opportunity of showing how greatly I esteem a gentleman who has +suffered so severely in the cause of national amelioration.' + +'Sir!' said Popanilla, 'your approbation is the only reward which I ever +shall desire for my exertions. You will excuse me for not quite keeping +up with you; but the fact is, my pockets are so stuffed with cash that +the action of my legs is greatly impeded.' + +'Credit me, my friend, that you are suffering from an inconvenience +which you will not long experience in Hubbabub. Nevertheless, to remedy +it at present, I think the best thing we can do is to buy a purse.' + +They accordingly entered a shop where such an article might be found, +and taking up a small sack, for Popanilla was very rich, his companion +inquired its price, which he was informed was four crowns. No sooner had +the desired information been given than the proprietor of the opposite +shop rushed in, and offered him the same article for three crowns. The +original merchant, not at all surprised at the intrusion, and not the +least apologising for his former extortion, then demanded two. His +rival, being more than his match, he courteously dropped upon his knee, +and requested his customer to accept the article gratis, for his sake. +The generous dealer would infallibly have carried the day, had not his +rival humbly supplicated the purchaser not only to receive his article +as a gift, but also the compliment of a crown inside. + +'What a terrible cheat the first merchant must have been!' said the +puzzled Popanilla, as they proceeded on their way. + +'By no means!' said his calm companion; 'the purse was sufficiently, +cheap even at four crowns. This is not Cheatery; this is Competition!' + +'What a wonderful nation, then, this must be, where you not only get +purses gratis but even well loaded! What use, then, is all this heavy +gold? It is a tremendous trouble to carry; I will empty the bag into +this kennel, for money surely can be of no use in a city where, when in +want of cash, you have only to go into a shop and buy a purse!' + +'Your pardon!' said his companion; 'far from this being the case, +Vraibleusia is, without doubt, the dearest country in the world.' + +'If, then,' said the inquisitive Popanilla, with great animation, 'if, +then, this country be the dearest in the world; if, how--' + +'My good friend!' said his companion, 'I really am the last person in +the world to answer questions. All that I know is, that this country +is extremely dear, and that the only way to get things cheap is to +encourage Competition.' + +Here the progress of his companion was impeded for some time by a great +crowd, which had assembled to catch a glimpse of a man who was to fly +off a steeple, but who had not yet arrived. A chimney-sweeper observed +to a scientific friend that probably the density of the atmosphere might +prevent the intended volitation; and Popanilla, who, having read almost +as many pamphlets as the observer, now felt quite at home, exceedingly +admired the observation. + +'He must be a very superior man, this gentleman in black!' said +Popanilla to his companion. + +'By no means! he is of the lowest class in society. But you are probably +not aware that you are in the most educated country in the world.' + +'Delightful!' said Popanilla. + +The Captain was exceedingly desirous of witnessing the flight of the +Vraibleusian Daedalus, but his friend advised their progress. This, +however, was not easy; and Popanilla, animated for the moment by his +natural aristocratic disposition, and emboldened by his superior size +and strength, began to clear his way in a manner which was more cogent +than logical. The chimney-sweeper and his comrades were soon in arms, +and Popanilla would certainly have been killed or ducked by this +superior man and his friends, had it not been for the mild remonstrance +of his conductor and the singular appearance of his costume. + +'What could have induced you to be so imprudent?' said his rescuer, when +they had escaped from the crowd. + +'Truly,' said Popanilla, 'I thought that in a country where you may +bastinado the wretch who presumes to ask you for alms, there could +surely be no objection to my knocking down the scoundrel who dared to +stand in my way.' + +'By no means!' said his friend, slightly elevating his eye-brows. 'Here +all men are equal. You are probably not aware that you are at present in +the freest country in the world.' + +'I do not exactly understand you; what is this freedom?' + +'My good friend, I really am the last person in the world to answer +questions. Freedom is, in one word, Liberty: a kind of thing which you +foreigners never can understand, and which mere theory can make no man +understand. When you have been in the island a few weeks all will be +quite clear to you. In the meantime, do as others do, and never knock +men down!' + + + +CHAPTER 7 + + +'Although we are yet some way from our hotel,' remarked Popanilla's +conductor, 'we have now arrived at a part of the city where I can ease +you, without difficulty, from your troublesome burthen; let us enter +here!' + +As he spoke, they stopped before a splendid palace, and proceeding +through various halls full of individuals apparently intently busied, +the companions were at last ushered into an apartment of smaller size, +but of more elegant character. A personage of prepossessing appearance +was lolling on a couch of an appearance equally prepossessing. Before +him, on a table, were some papers, exquisite fruits, and some liqueurs. +Popanilla was presented, and received with fascinating complaisance. His +friend stated the object of their visit, and handed the sackful of gold +to the gentleman on the sofa. The gentleman on the sofa ordered a couple +of attendants to ascertain its contents. While this computation was +going on he amused his guests by his lively conversation, and charmed +Popanilla by his polished manners and easy civility. He offered him, +during his stay in Vraibleusia, the use of a couple of equipages, +a villa, and an opera-box; insisted upon sending to his hotel some +pine-apples and some rare wine, and gave him a perpetual ticket to his +picture-gallery. When his attendants had concluded their calculation, +he ordered them to place Popanilla's precious metal in his treasury; +and then, presenting the Captain with a small packet of pink shells, he +kindly inquired whether he could be of any further use to him. Popanilla +was loth to retire without his gold, of the utility of which, in spite +of the convenience of competition, he seemed to possess an instinctive +conception; but as his friend rose and withdrew, he could do nothing +less than accompany him; for, having now known him nearly half a day, +his confidence in his honour and integrity was naturally unbounded. + +'That was the King, of course?' said Popanilla, when they were fairly +out of the palace. + +'The King!' said the unknown, nearly surprised into an exclamation; 'by +no means!' + +'And what then?' + +'My good friend! is it possible that you have no bankers in your +country?' + +'Yes, it is very possible; but we have mermaids, who also give us shells +which are pretty. What then are your bankers?' + +'Really, my good friend, that is a question which I never remember +having been asked before; but a banker is a man who keeps our money for +us.' + +'Ah! and he is bound, I suppose, to return your money, when you choose?' + +'Most assuredly!' + +'He is, then, in fact, your servant: you must pay him handsomely, for +him to live so well?' + +'By no means! we pay him nothing.' + +'That is droll; he must be very rich then?' + +'Really, my dear friend, I cannot say. Why, yes! I--I suppose he may be +very rich!' + +'Tis singular that a rich man should take so much trouble for others!' + +'My good friend! of course he lives by his trouble.' + +'Ah! How, then,' continued the inquisitive Fantaisian, 'if you do not +pay him for his services, and he yet lives by them; how, I pray, does he +acquire these immense riches?' + +'Really, my good sir, I am, in truth, the very last man in the world to +answer questions: he is a banker; bankers are always rich; but why they +are, or how they are, I really never had time to inquire. But I suppose, +if the truth were known, they must have very great opportunities.' + +'Ah! I begin to see,' said Popanilla. 'It was really very kind of +him,' continued the Captain, 'to make me a present of these little pink +shells: what would I not give to turn them into a necklace, and send it +to a certain person at Fantaisie!' + +'It would be a very expensive necklace,' observed his companion, almost +surprised. 'I had no idea, I confess, from your appearance, that in your +country they indulged in such expensive tastes in costume.' + +'Expensive!' said Popanilla. 'We certainly have no such shells as these +in Fantaisie; but we have much more beautiful ones. I should think, from +their look, they must be rather common.' + +His conductor for the first time nearly laughed. 'I forgot,' said +he, 'that you could not be aware that these pink shells are the most +precious coin of the land, compared with which those bits of gold with +which you have recently parted are nothing; your whole fortune is now +in that little packet. The fact is,' continued the unknown, making an +effort to communicate, 'although we possess in this country more of the +precious metals than all the rest of the world together, the quantity is +nevertheless utterly disproportioned to the magnitude of our wealth and +our wants. We have been, therefore, under the necessity of resorting +to other means of representing the first and supplying the second; and, +taking advantage of our insular situation, we have introduced these +small pink shells, which abound all round the coast. Being much more +convenient to carry, they are in general circulation, and no genteel +person has ever anything else in his pocket.' + +'Wonderful! But surely, then, it is no very difficult thing in this +country to accumulate a fortune, since all that is necessary to give you +every luxury of life is a stroll one morning of your existence along the +beach?' + +'By no means, my friend! you are really too rapid. The fact is, that +no one has the power of originally circulating these shells but our +Government; and if any one, by any chance, choose to violate this +arrangement, we make up for depriving him of his solitary walks on the +shore by instant submersion in the sea.' + +'Then the whole circulation of the country is at the mercy of your +Government?' remarked Popanilla, summoning to his recollection the +contents of one of those shipwrecked brochures which had exercised so +strange an influence on his destiny. 'Suppose they do not choose to +issue?' + +'That is always guarded against. The mere quarterly payments of interest +upon our national debt will secure an ample supply.' + +'Debt! I thought you were the richest nation in the world?' + +'Tis true; nevertheless, if there were a golden pyramid with a base as +big as the whole earth and an apex touching the heavens, it would not +supply us with sufficient metal to satisfy our creditors.' + +'But, my dear sir,' exclaimed the perplexed Popanilla, 'if this really +be true, how then can you be said to be the richest nation in the +world?' + +'It is very simple. The annual interest upon our debt exceeds the whole +wealth of the rest of the world; therefore we must be the richest nation +in the world.' + +'Tis true,' said Popanilla; 'I see I have yet much to learn. But with +regard to these pink shells, how can you possibly create for them a +certain standard of value? It is merely agreement among yourselves that +fixes any value to them.' + +'By no means! you are so rapid! Each shell is immediately convertible +into gold; of which metal, let me again remind you, we possess more than +any other nation; but which, indeed, we only keep as a sort of dress +coin, chiefly to indulge the prejudices of foreigners.' + +'But,' said the perpetual Popanilla, 'suppose every man who held a shell +on the same day were to--' + +'My good friend! I really am the last person in the world to give +explanations. In Vraibleusia, we have so much to do that we have no time +to think; a habit which only becomes nations who are not employed. You +are now fast approaching the Great Shell Question; a question which, I +confess, affects the interests of every man in this island more than any +other; but of which, I must candidly own, every man in this island is +more ignorant than of any other. No one, however, can deny that the +system works well; and if anything at any time go wrong, why really +Mr. Secretary Periwinkle is a wonderful man, and our most eminent +conchologist. He, no doubt, will set it right; and if, by any chance, +things are past even his management, why then, I suppose, to use our +national motto, something will turn up.' + +Here they arrived at the hotel. Having made every arrangement for +the comfort and convenience of the Fantaisian stranger, Popanilla's +conductor took his leave, previously informing him that his name was +Skindeep; that he was a member of one of the largest families in the +island; that, had he not been engaged to attend a lecture, he would have +stayed and dined with him; but that he would certainly call upon him on +the morrow. + +Compared with his hotel the palace of his banker was a dungeon; even the +sunset voluptuousness of Fantaisie was now remembered without regret +in the blaze of artificial light and in the artificial gratification +of desires which art had alone created. After a magnificent repast, his +host politely inquired of Popanilla whether he would like to go to the +Opera, the comedy, or a concert; but the Fantaisian philosopher was not +yet quite corrupted; and, still inspired with a desire to acquire useful +knowledge, he begged his landlord to procure him immediately a pamphlet +on the Shell Question. + +While his host was engaged in procuring this luxury a man entered the +room and told Popanilla that he had walked that day two thousand five +hundred paces, and that the tax due to the Excise upon this promenade +was fifty crowns. The Captain stared, and remarked to the excise-officer +that he thought a man's paces were a strange article to tax. The +excise-officer, with great civility, answered that no doubt at first +sight it might appear rather strange, but that it was the only article +left untaxed in Vraibleusia; that there was a slight deficiency in +the last quarter's revenue, and that therefore the Government had no +alternative; that it was a tax which did not press heavily upon the +individual, because the Vraibleusians were of a sedentary habit; that, +besides, it was an opinion every day more received among the best judges +that the more a man was taxed the richer he ultimately would prove; and +he concluded by saying that Popanilla need not make himself uneasy about +these demands, because, if he were ruined to-morrow, being a foreigner, +he was entitled by the law of the land to five thousand a-year; whereas +he, the excise-man, being a native-born Vraibleusian, had no claims +whatever upon the Government; therefore he hoped his honour would give +him something to drink. + +His host now entered with the 'Novum Organon' of the great Periwinkle. +While Popanilla devoured the lively pages of this treatise, he +discovered that the system which had been so subtilely introduced by the +Government, and which had so surprised him in the morning, had soon been +adopted in private life; and although it was a drowning matter to pick +up pink shells, still there was nothing to prevent the whole commerce +of the country from being carried on by means of a system equally +conchological. He found that the social action in every part of the +island was regulated and assisted by this process. Oyster-shells were +first introduced; muscle-shells speedily followed; and, as commerce +became more complicate, they had even been obliged to have recourse to +snail-shells. Popanilla retired to rest with admiration of the people +who thus converted to the most useful purposes things apparently so +useless. There was no saying now what might not be done even with a +nutshell. It was evident that the nation who contrived to be the richest +people in the world while they were over head and ears in debt must be +fast approaching to a state of perfection. Finally, sinking to sleep in +a bed of eiderdown, Popanilla was confirmed in his prejudices against a +state of nature. + + + +CHAPTER 8 + + +Skindeep called upon Popanilla on the following morning in an elegant +equipage, and with great politeness proposed to attend him in a drive +about the city. + +The island of Vraibleusia is one hundred and fifty miles in +circumference, two-thirds of which are covered by the city of Hubbabub. +It contains no other city, town, or village. The rest of the island +consists of rivers, canals, and railroads. Popanilla was surprised when +he was informed that Hubbabub did not contain more than five millions +of inhabitants; but his surprise was decreased when their journey +occasionally lay through tracts of streets, consisting often of +capacious mansions entirely tenantless. On seeking an explanation +of this seeming desolation, he was told that the Hubbabubians +were possessed by a frenzy of always moving on, westward; and that +consequently great quarters of the city are perpetually deserted. Even +as Skindeep was speaking their passage was stopped by a large caravan +of carriages and wagons heavily laden with human creatures and their +children and chattels. On Skindeep inquiring the cause of this great +movement, he was informed by one on horseback, who seemed to be the +leader of the horde, that they were the late dwellers in sundry squares +and streets situated far to the east; that their houses having been +ridiculed by an itinerant balladeer, the female part of the tribe had +insisted upon immediately quitting their unfashionable fatherland; and +that now, after three days' journey, they had succeeded in reaching the +late settlement of a horde who had migrated to the extreme west. + +Quitting regions so subject to revolutions and vicissitudes, the +travellers once more emerged into quarters of a less transitory +reputation; and in the magnificent parks, the broad streets, the +ample squares, the palaces, the triumphal arches, and the theatres of +occidental Hubbabub, Popanilla lost those sad and mournful feelings +which are ever engendered by contemplating the gloomy relics of departed +greatness. It was impossible to admire too much the architecture of this +part of the city. The elevations were indeed imposing. In general, the +massy Egyptian appropriately graced the attic-stories; while the finer +and more elaborate architecture of Corinth was placed on a level with +the eye, so that its beauties might be more easily discovered. Spacious +colonnades were flanked by porticoes, surmounted by domes; nor was the +number of columns at all limited, for you occasionally met with porticos +of two tiers, the lower one of which consisted of three, the higher one +of thirty columns. Pedestals of the purest Ionic Gothic were ingeniously +intermixed with Palladian pediments; and the surging spire exquisitely +harmonised with the horizontal architecture of the ancients. But +perhaps, after all, the most charming effect was produced by the +pyramids, surmounted by weather-cocks. + +Popanilla was particularly pleased by some chimneys of Caryatides, and +did not for a moment hesitate in assenting to the assertion of Skindeep +that the Vraibleusians were the most architectural nation in the world. +True it was, they had begun late; their attention as a people having +been, for a considerable time, attracted to much more important affairs; +but they had compensated for their tardy attention by their speedy +excellence. * + + * See a work which will be shortly published, entitled, 'The + difference detected between Architecture and Parchitecture,' + by Sansovino the Second. + +Before they returned home Skindeep led Popanilla to the top of a tower, +from whence they had a complete view of the whole island. Skindeep +particularly directed the Captain's attention to one spot, where +flourished, as he said, the only corn-fields in the country, which +supplied the whole nation, and were the property of one individual. So +unrivalled was his agricultural science that the vulgar only accounted +for his admirable produce by a miraculous fecundity! The proprietor of +these hundred golden acres was a rather mysterious sort of personage. He +was an aboriginal inhabitant, and, though the only one of the aborigines +in existence, had lived many centuries, and, to the consternation of +some of the Vraibleusians and the exultation of others, exhibited no +signs of decay. This awful being was without a name. When spoken of by +his admirers he was generally described by such panegyrical periphrases +as 'soul of the country,' 'foundation of the State,' 'the only real, +and true, and substantial being;' while, on the other hand, those who +presumed to differ from those sentiments were in the habit of styling +him 'the dead weight,' 'the vampire,' 'the night-mare,' and other titles +equally complimentary. They also maintained that, instead of being +either real or substantial, he was, in fact, the most flimsy and +fictitious personage in the whole island; and then, lashing themselves +up into metaphor, they would call him a meteor, or a vapour, or a great +windy bubble, that would some day burst. + +The Aboriginal insisted that it was the common law of the land that the +islanders should purchase their corn only of him. They grumbled, but +he growled; he swore that it was the constitution of the country; that +there was an uninterrupted line of precedents to confirm the claim; and +that, if they did not approve of the arrangement, they and their fathers +should not have elected to have settled, or presumed to have been +spawned, upon his island. Then, as if he were not desirous of resting +his claim on its mere legal merits, he would remind them of the +superiority of his grain, and the impossibility of a scarcity, in the +event of which calamity an insular people could always find a plentiful +though temporary resource in sea-weed. He then clearly proved to them +that, if ever they had the imprudence to change any of their old laws, +they would necessarily never have more than one meal a day as long as +they lived. Finally, he recalled to their recollection that he had made +the island what it was, that he was their mainstay, and that his counsel +and exertions had rendered them the wonder of the world. Thus, between +force, and fear, and flattery, the Vraibleusians paid for their corn +nearly its weight in gold; but what did that signify to a nation with so +many pink shells! + + + +CHAPTER 9 + + +The third day after his drive with his friend Skindeep, Popanilla was +waited upon by the most eminent bookseller in Hubbabub, who begged to +have the honour of introducing to the public a Narrative of Captain +Popanilla's Voyage. This gentleman assured Popanilla that the +Vraibleusian public were nervously alive to anything connected with +discovery; that so ardent was their attachment to science and natural +philosophy that voyages and travels were sure to be read with eagerness, +particularly if they had coloured plates. Popanilla was charmed with the +proposition, but blushingly informed the mercantile Maecenas that he did +not know how to write. The publisher told him that this circumstance was +not of the slightest importance; that he had never for a moment supposed +that so sublime a savage could possess such a vulgar accomplishment; +and that it was by no means difficult for a man to publish his travels +without writing a line of them. + +Popanilla having consented to become an author upon these terms, +the publisher asked him to dine with him, and introduced him to an +intelligent individual. This intelligent individual listened attentively +to all Popanilla's adventures. The Captain concealed nothing. He began +with the eternal lock of hair, and showed how wonderfully this world was +constituted, that even the loss of a thing was not useless; from which +it was clear that Utility was Providence. After drinking some capital +wine, the intelligent individual told Popanilla that he was wrong in +supposing Fantaisie to be an island; that, on the contrary, it was a +great continent; that this was proved by the probable action of the +tides in the part of the island which had not yet been visited; that the +consequence of these tides would be that, in the course of a season +or two, Fantaisie would become a great receptacle for icebergs, and be +turned into the North Pole; that, therefore, the seasons throughout the +world would be changed; that this year, in Vraibleusia, the usual winter +would be omitted, and that when the present summer was finished the +dog-days would again commence. Popanilla took his leave highly delighted +with this intelligent individual and with the bookseller's wine. + +Owing to the competition which existed between the publishers, the +printers, and the engravers of the city of Hubbabub, and the great +exertions of the intelligent individual, the Narrative of Captain +Popanilla's Voyage was brought out in less than a week, and was +immediately in everybody's hand. The work contained a detailed account +of everything which took place daring the whole of the three days, and +formed a quarto volume. The plates were numerous and highly interesting, +There was a line engraving of Alligator Mountain and a mezzotint of +Seaweed Island; a view of the canoe N.E.; a view of the canoe N.W.; +a view of the canoe S.E.; a view of the canoe S.W. There were +highly-finished coloured drawings of the dried fish and the breadfruit, +and an exquisitely tinted representation of the latter in a mouldy +state. But the chef-d'oeuvre was the portrait of the Author himself. He +was represented trampling on the body of a boa constrictor of the first +quality, in the skin of which he was dressed; at his back were his bow +and arrows; his right hand rested on an uprooted pine-tree; he stood in +a desert between two volcanoes; at his feet was a lake of magnitude; +the distance lowered with an approaching tornado; but a lucky flash of +lightning revealed the range of the Andes and both oceans. Altogether he +looked the most dandified of savages, and the most savage of dandies. It +was a sublime lithograph, and produced scarcely less important effects +upon Popanilla's fortune than that lucky 'lock of hair;' for no sooner +was the portrait published than Popanilla received a ticket for the +receptions of a lady of quality. On showing it to Skindeep, he was told +that the honour was immense, and therefore he must go by all means. +Skindeep regretted that he could not accompany him, but he was engaged +to a lecture on shoemaking; and a lecture was a thing he made it a point +never to miss, because, as he very properly observed, 'By lectures you +may become extremely well informed without any of the inconveniences of +study. No fixity of attention, no continuity of meditation, no habits +of reflection, no aptitude of combination, are the least requisite; all +which things only give you a nervous headache; and yet you gain all the +results of all these processes. True it is that that which is so easily +acquired is not always so easily remembered; but what of that? Suppose +you forget any subject, why then you go to another lecture.' 'Very +true!' said Popanilla. + +Popanilla failed not to remember his invitation from Lady Spirituelle; +and at the proper hour his announcement produced a sensation throughout +her crowded saloons. + +Spirituelle was a most enchanting lady; she asked Popanilla how tall he +really was, and whether the women in Fantaisie were as handsome as the +men. Then she said that the Vraibleusians were the most intellectual +and the most scientific nation in the world, and that the society at her +house was the most intellectual and the most scientific in Vraibleusia. +She told him also that she had hoped by this season the world would have +been completely regulated by mind; but that the subversion of matter was +a more substantial business than she and the Committee of Management +had imagined: she had no doubt, however, that in a short time mind must +carry the day, because matter was mortal and mind eternal; therefore +mind had the best chance. Finally, she also told him that the passions +were the occasion of all the misery which had ever existed; and that +it was impossible for mankind either to be happy or great until, like +herself and her friends, they were 'all soul.' + +Popanilla was charmed with his company. What a difference between the +calm, smiling, easy, uninteresting, stupid, sunset countenances +of Fantaisie and those around him. All looked so interested and so +intelligent; their eyes were so anxious, their gestures so animated, +their manners so earnest. They must be very clever! He drew nearer. +If before he were charmed, now he was enchanted. What an universal +acquisition of useful knowledge! Three or four dukes were earnestly +imbibing a new theory of gas from a brilliant little gentleman in black, +who looked like a Will-o'-the-wisp. The Prime Minister was anxious +about pin-making; a Bishop equally interested in a dissertation on +the escapements of watches; a Field-Marshal not less intent on a new +specific from the concentrated essence of hellebore. But what most +delighted Popanilla was hearing a lecture from the most eminent lawyer +and statesman in Vraibleusia on his first and favourite study of +hydrostatics. His associations quite overcame him: all Fantaisie rushed +upon his memory, and he was obliged to retire to a less frequented part +of the room to relieve his too excited feelings. + +He was in a few minutes addressed by the identical little gentleman who +had recently been speculating with the three dukes. + +The little gentleman told him that he had heard with great pleasure that +in Fantaisie they had no historians, poets, or novelists. He proved to +Popanilla that no such thing as experience existed; that, as the world +was now to be regulated on quite different principles from those by +which it had hitherto been conducted, similar events to those which had +occurred could never again take place; and therefore it was absolutely +useless to know anything about the past. With regard to literary +fiction, he explained that, as it was absolutely necessary, from his +nature, that man should experience a certain quantity of excitement, the +false interest which these productions created prevented their readers +from obtaining this excitement by methods which, by the discovery of the +useful, might greatly benefit society. + +'You are of opinion, then,' exclaimed the delighted Popanilla, 'that +nothing is good which is not useful?' + +'Is it possible that an individual exists in this world who doubts this +great first principle?' said the little man, with great animation. + +'Ah, my dear friend!' said Popanilla, 'if you only knew what an avowal +of this great first principle has cost me; what I have suffered; what I +have lost!' + +'What have you lost?' asked the little gentleman. + +'In the first place, a lock of hair--' + +'Poh, nonsense!' + +'Ah! you may say Poh! but it was a particular lock of hair.' + +'My friend, that word is odious. Nothing is particular, everything is +general. Rules are general, feelings are general, and property should be +general; and, sir, I tell you what, in a very short time it must be +so. Why should Lady Spirituelle, for instance, receive me at her house, +rather than I receive her at mine?' + +'Why don't you, then?' asked the simple Popanilla. + +'Because I have not got one, sir!' roared the little gentleman. + +He would certainly have broken away had not Popanilla begged him to +answer one question. The Captain, reiterating in the most solemn manner +his firm belief in the dogma that nothing was good which was not useful, +and again detailing the persecutions which this conviction had brought +upon him, was delighted that an opportunity was now afforded to gain +from the lips of a distinguished philosopher a definition of what +utility really was. The distinguished philosopher could not refuse so +trifling a favour. + +'Utility,' said he, 'is--' + +At this critical moment there was a universal buzz throughout the rooms, +and everybody looked so interested that the philosopher quite forgot +to finish his answer. On inquiring the cause of this great sensation, +Popanilla was informed that a rumour was about that a new element +had been discovered that afternoon. The party speedily broke up, the +principal philosophers immediately rushing to their clubs to ascertain +the truth of this report. Popanilla was unfashionable enough to make +his acknowledgments to his hostess before he left her house. As he +gazed upon her ladyship's brilliant eyes and radiant complexion, he +felt convinced of the truth of her theory of the passions; he could not +refrain from pressing her hand in a manner which violated etiquette, and +which a nativity in the Indian Ocean could alone excuse; the pressure +was graciously returned. As Popanilla descended the staircase, he +discovered a little note of pink satin paper entangled in his ruffle. +He opened it with curiosity. It was 'All soul.' He did not return to his +hotel quite so soon as he expected. + + + +CHAPTER 10 + + +Popanilla breakfasted rather late the next morning, and on looking over +the evening papers, which were just published, his eyes lighted on the +following paragraph:-- + +'Arrived yesterday at the Hotel Diplomatique, His Excellency Prince +Popanilla, Ambassador Extraordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary from +the newly-recognised State of Fantaisie.' + +Before his Excellency could either recover from his astonishment or make +any inquiries which might throw any illustration upon its cause, a +loud shout in the street made him naturally look out of the window. He +observed three or four magnificent equipages drawing up at the door of +the hotel, and followed by a large crowd. Each carriage was drawn by +four horses, and attended by footmen so radiant with gold and scarlet +that, had Popanilla been the late ingenious Mr. Keates, he would have +mistaken them for the natural children of Phoebus and Aurora. The +Ambassador forgot the irregularity of the paragraph in the splendour +of the liveries. He felt triumphantly conscious that the most beautiful +rose in the world must look extremely pale by the side of scarlet cloth; +and this new example of the superiority of art over nature reminding +him of the inferiority of bread-fruit to grilled muffin, he resolved to +return to breakfast. + +But it was his fate to be reminded of the inutility of the best +resolutions, for ere the cup of coffee had touched his parched lips the +door of his room flow open, and the Marquess of Moustache was announced. + +His Lordship was a young gentleman with an expressive countenance; that +is to say, his face was so covered with hair, and the back of his +head cropped so bald, that you generally addressed him in the rear by +mistake. He did not speak, but continued bowing for a considerable +time, in that diplomatic manner which means so much. By the time he +had finished bowing his suite had gained the apartment, and his +Private Secretary, one of those uncommonly able men who only want an +opportunity, seized the present one of addressing Popanilla. + +Bowing to the late Captain with studied respect, he informed him that +the Marquess Moustache was the nobleman appointed by the Government of +Vraibleusia to attend upon his Excellency during the first few weeks of +his mission, with the view of affording him all information upon those +objects which might naturally be expected to engage the interest or +attract the attention of so distinguished a personage. The 'ancien +marin' and present Ambassador had been so used to miracles since the +loss of that lock of hair, that he did not think it supernatural, +having during the last few days been in turn a Fantaisian nobleman, a +post-captain, a fish, a goddess, and, above all, an author, he should +now be transformed into a plenipotentiary. Drinking, therefore, his +cup of coffee, he assumed an air as if he really were used to have +a Marquess for an attendant, and said that he was at his Lordship's +service. + +The Marquess bowed low, and the Private Secretary remarked that the +first thing to be done by his Excellency was to be presented to +the Government. After that he was to visit all the manufactories in +Vraibleusia, subscribe to all the charities, and dine with all the +Corporations, attend a dejeuner a la fourchette at a palace they were at +present building under the sea, give a gold plate to be run for on the +fashionable racecourse, be present at morning prayers at the Government +Chapel, hunt once or twice, give a dinner or two himself, make one +pun, and go to the Play, by which various means, he said, the good +understanding between the two countries would be materially increased +and, in a manner, established. + +As the Fantaisian Ambassador and his suite entered their carriages, the +sky, if it had not been for the smoke, would certainly have been rent +by the acclamations of the mob. 'Popanilla for ever!' sounded from +all quarters, except where the shout was varied by 'Vraibleusia and +Fantaisie against the world!' which perhaps was even the most popular +sentiment of the two. The Ambassador was quite agitated, and asked the +Marquess what he was to do. The Private Secretary told his Excellency +to bow. Popanilla bowed with such grace that in five minutes the horses +were taken out of his carriage, and that carriage dragged in triumph +by the enthusiastic populace. He continued bowing, and their enthusiasm +continued increasing. In the meantime his Excellency's portrait was +sketched by an artist who hung upon his wheel, and in less than half an +hour a lithographic likeness of the popular idol was worshipped in every +print-shop in Hubbabub. + +As they drew nearer the Hall of Audience the crowd kept increasing, till +at length the whole city seemed poured forth to meet him. Although +now feeling conscious that he was the greatest man in the island, +and therefore only thinking of himself, Popanilla's attention was +nevertheless at this moment attracted by, a singular figure. He was +apparently a man: in stature a Patagonian, and robust as a well-fed +ogre. His countenance was jolly, but consequential; and his costume a +curious mixture of a hunting-dress and a court suit. He was on foot, +and in spite of the crowd, with the aid of a good whip and his left +fist made his way with great ease. On inquiring who this extraordinary +personage might be, Popanilla was informed that it was THE ABORIGINAL +INHABITANT. As the giant passed the Ambassador's carriages, the whole +suite, even Lord Moustache, rose and bent low; and the Secretary told +Popanilla that there was no person in the island for whom the Government +of Vraibleusia entertained so profound a respect. + +The crowd was now so immense that even the progress of the Aboriginal +Inhabitant was for a moment impeded. The great man got surrounded by a +large body of little mechanics. The contrast between the pale perspiring +visages and lean forms of these emaciated and half-generated creatures, +and the jolly form and ruddy countenance, gigantic limbs and ample +frame, of the Aboriginal, was most striking; nor could any one view +the group for an instant without feeling convinced that the latter was +really a superior existence. The mechanics, who were worn by labour, not +reduced by famine, far from being miserable, were impudent. They began +rating the mighty one for the dearness of his corn. He received their +attacks with mildness. He reminded them that the regulation by which +they procured their bread was the aboriginal law of the island, under +which they had all so greatly flourished. He explained to them that it +was owing to this protecting principle that he and his ancestors, having +nothing to do but to hunt and shoot, had so preserved their health that, +unlike the rest of the human race, they had not degenerated from the +original form and nature of man. He showed that it was owing to +the vigour of mind and body consequent upon this fine health that +Vraibleusia had become the wonder of the world, and that they themselves +were so actively employed; and he inferred that they surely could not +grudge him the income which he derived, since that income was, in fact, +the foundation of their own profits. He then satisfactorily demonstrated +to them that if by any circumstances he were to cease to exist, +the whole island would immediately sink under the sea. Having thus +condescended to hold a little parley with his fellow-subjects, though +not follow-creatures, he gave them all a good sound flogging, and +departed amidst the enthusiastic cheering of those whom he had so +briskly lashed. + +By this time Popanilla had arrived at the Hall of Audience. + +'It was a vast and venerable pile.' + +His Excellency and suite quitted their carriages amidst the renewed +acclamations of the mob. Proceeding through a number of courts and +quadrangles, crowded with guards and officials, they stopped before a +bronze gate of great height. Over it was written, in vast characters of +living flame, this inscription: + + TO + THE WISEST AND THE BEST, + THE RICHEST AND THE MIGHTIEST, + THE GLORY AND THE ADMIRATION, + THE DEFENCE AND THE CONSTERNATION. + +On reading this mysterious inscription his Excellency experienced a +sudden and awful shudder. Lord Moustache, however, who was more used to +mysteries, taking up a silver trumpet, which was fixed to the portal by +a crimson cord, gave a loud blast. The gates flew open with the sound +of a whirlwind, and Popanilla found himself in what at first appeared an +illimitable hall. It was crowded, but perfect order was preserved. +The Ambassador was conducted with great pomp to the upper end of the +apartment, where, after an hour's walk, his Excellency arrived. At +the extremity of the hall was a colossal and metallic Statue of +extraordinary appearance. It represented an armed monarch. The head and +bust were of gold, and the curling hair was crowned with an imperial +diadem; the body and arms were of silver, worked in the semblance of a +complete suit of enamelled armour of the feudal ages; and the thighs and +legs were of iron, which the artist had clothed in the bandaged hose of +the old Saxons. The figure bore the appearance of great antiquity, +but had evidently been often repaired and renovated since its first +formation. The workmanship was clearly of different eras, and the +reparations, either from ignorance or intention, had often been effected +with little deference to the original design. Part of the shoulders had +been supplied by the other, though less precious, metal, and the Roman +and Imperial ornaments had unaccountably been succeeded by the less +classic, though more picturesque, decorations of Gothic armour. On the +other hand, a great portion of the chivalric and precious material +of the body had been removed, and replaced by a style and substance +resembling those of the lower limbs. In its right hand the Statue +brandished a naked sword, and with its left leant upon a huge, though +extremely rich and elaborately carved, crosier. It trampled upon a +shivered lance and a broken chain. + +'Your Excellency perceives,' said the Secretary, pointing to the Statue, +'that ours is a mixed Government.' + +Popanilla was informed that this extraordinary Statue enjoyed all the +faculties of an intellectual being, with the additional advantage of +some faculties which intellectual beings do not enjoy. It possessed not +only the faculty of speech, but of speaking truth; not only the power of +judgment, but of judging rightly; not only the habit of listening, but +of listening attentively. Its antiquity was so remote that the most +profound and acute antiquarians had failed in tracing back its origin. +The Aboriginal Inhabitant, however, asserted that it was the work of one +of his ancestors; and as his assertion was confirmed by all traditions, +the allegation was received. Whatever might have been its origin, +certain it was that it was now immortal, for it could never die; and +to whomsoever it might have been originally indebted for its power, not +less sure was it that it was now omnipotent, for it could do all things. +Thus alleged and thus believed the Vraibleusians, marvellous and +sublime people! who, with all the impotence of mortality, have created a +Government which is both immortal and omnipotent! + +Generally speaking, the Statue was held in great reverence and viewed +with great admiration by the whole Vraibleusian people. There were a few +persons, indeed, who asserted that the creation of such a Statue was by +no means so mighty a business as it had been the fashion to suppose; and +that it was more than probable that, with the advantages afforded by the +scientific discoveries of modern times, they would succeed in making a +more useful one. This, indeed, they offered to accomplish, provided +the present Statue were preliminarily destroyed; but as they were +well assured that this offer would never be accepted, it was generally +treated by those who refused it as a braggadocio. There were many also +who, though they in general greatly admired and respected the present +Statue, affected to believe that, though the execution was wonderful, +and the interior machinery indeed far beyond the powers of the present +age, nevertheless the design was in many parts somewhat rude, and the +figure altogether far from being well-proportioned. Some thought the +head too big, some too small; some that the body was disproportionately +little; others, on the contrary, that it was so much too large that it +had the appearance of being dropsical; others maintained that the legs +were too weak for the support of the whole, and that they should be +rendered more important and prominent members of the figure; while, +on the contrary, there were yet others who cried out that really these +members were already so extravagantly huge, so coarse, and so ungenteel, +that they quite marred the general effect of a beautiful piece of +sculpture. + +The same differences existed about the comparative excellence of the +three metals and the portions of the body which they respectively +formed. Some admired the gold, and maintained that if it were not for +the head the Statue would be utterly useless; others preferred the +silver, and would assert that the body, which contained all the +machinery, must clearly be the most precious portion; while a third +party triumphantly argued that the iron legs which supported both body +and head must surely be the most valuable part, since without them the +Statue must fall. The first party advised that in all future reparations +gold only should be introduced; and the other parties, of course, +recommended with equal zeal their own favourite metals. It is +observable, however, that if, under these circumstances, the iron race +chanced to fail in carrying their point, they invariably voted for gold +in preference to silver. But the most contradictory opinions, perhaps, +were those which were occasioned by the instruments with which the +Statue was armed and supported. Some affected to be so frightened by the +mere sight of the brandished sword, although it never moved, that they +pretended it was dangerous to live even under the same sky with +it; while others, treating very lightly the terrors of this warlike +instrument, would observe that much more was really to be apprehended +from the remarkable strength and thickness of the calm and +peace-inspiring crosier; and that as long as the Government was +supported by this huge pastoral staff nothing could prevail against it; +that it could dare all things, and even stand without the help of its +legs. All these various opinions at least proved that, although the +present might not be the most miraculous Statue that could possibly be +created, it was nevertheless quite impossible ever to form one which +would please all parties. + +The care of this wonderful Statue was entrusted to twelve 'Managers,' +whose duty it was to wind-up and regulate its complicated machinery, +and who answered for its good management by their heads. It was their +business to consult the oracle upon all occasions, and by its decisions +to administer and regulate all the affairs of the State. They alone were +permitted to hear its voice; for the Statue never spoke in public save +on rare occasions, and its sentences were then really so extremely +commonplace that, had it not been for the deep wisdom of its general +conduct, the Vraibleusians would have been almost tempted to believe +that they really might exist without the services of the capital member. +The twelve Managers surrounded the Statue at a respectful distance; +their posts were the most distinguished in the State; and indeed +the duties attached to them were so numerous, so difficult, and so +responsible, that it required no ordinary abilities to fulfil, and +demanded no ordinary courage to aspire to, them. + +The Fantaisian Ambassador, having been presented, took his place on the +right hand of the Statue, next to the Aboriginal Inhabitant, and public +business then commenced. + +There came forward a messenger, who, knocking his nose three times with +great reverence on the floor, a knock for each metal of the figure, thus +spoke: + +'O thou wisest and best! thou richest and mightiest! thou glory and +admiration! then defence and consternation! Lo! the King of the North is +cutting all his subjects' heads off!' + +This announcement produced a great sensation. The Marquess Moustache +took snuff; the Private Secretary said he had long suspected that this +would be the case; and the Aboriginal Inhabitant remarked to Popanilla +that the corn in the North was of an exceedingly coarse grain. While +they were making these observations the twelve Managers had assembled +in deep consultation around the Statue, and in a very few minutes the +Oracle was prepared. The answer was very simple, but the exordium was +sublime. It professed that the Vraibleusian nation was the saviour and +champion of the world; that it was the first principle of its policy to +maintain the cause of any people struggling for their rights as men; and +it avowed itself to be the grand patron of civil and religious liberty +in all quarters of the globe. Forty-seven battalions of infantry and +eighteen regiments of cavalry, twenty-four sail of the line, seventy +transports, and fifteen bombketches, were then ordered to leave +Vraibleusia for the North in less than sixty minutes! + +'What energy!' said Popanilla; 'what decision! what rapidity of +execution!' + +'Ay!' said the Aboriginal, smacking his thigh; 'let them say what +they like about their proportions, and mixtures, and metals--abstract +nonsense! No one can deny that our Government works well. But see! here +comes another messenger!' + +'O thou wisest and best! thou richest and mightiest! thou glory and +admiration! thou defence and consternation! Lo! the people of the South +have cut their king's head off!' + +'Well! I suppose that is exactly what you all want,' said the innocent +Popanilla. + +The Private Secretary looked mysterious, and said that he was not +prepared to answer; that his department never having been connected +with this species of business he was unable at the moment to give his +Excellency the requisite information. At the same time, he begged to +state that, provided anything he said should not commit him, he had +no objection to answer the question hypothetically. The Aboriginal +Inhabitant said that he would have no hypotheses or Jacobins; that he +did not approve of cutting off kings' heads; and that the Vraibleusians +were the most monarchical people in the world. So saying, he walked +up, without any ceremony, to the chief Manager, and taking him by the +button, conversed with him some time in an earnest manner, which made +the stocks fall two per cent. + +The Statue ordered three divisions of the grand army and a +battering-train of the first grade off to the South without the loss +of a second. A palace and establishment were immediately directed to +be prepared for the family of the murdered monarch, and the +commander-in-chief was instructed to make every exertion to bring home +the body of his Majesty embalmed. Such an immense issue of pink shells +was occasioned by this last expedition that stocks not only recovered +themselves, but rose considerably. + +The excitement occasioned by this last announcement evaporated at the +sight of a third messenger. He informed the Statue that the Emperor of +the East was unfortunately unable to pay the interest upon his national +debt; that his treasury was quite empty and his resources utterly +exhausted. He requested the assistance of the most wealthy and the most +generous of nations; and he offered them as security for their advances +his gold and silver mines, which, for the breadth of their veins and +the richness of their ores, he said, were unequalled. He added, that +the only reason they were unworked was the exquisite flavour of the +water-melons in his empire, which was so delicious that his subjects of +all classes, passing their whole day in devouring them, could be induced +neither by force nor persuasion to do anything else. The cause was so +reasonable, and the security so satisfactory, that the Vraibleusian +Government felt themselves authorised in shipping off immediately all +the gold in the island. Pink shells abounded, and stocks were still +higher. + +'You have no mines in Vraibleusia, I believe?' said Popanilla to the +Aboriginal. + +'No! but we have taxes.' + +'Very true!' said Popanilla. + +'I understand that a messenger has just arrived from the West,' said the +Secretary to the Fantaisian Plenipotentiary. 'He must bring interesting +intelligence from such interesting countries. Next to ourselves, they +are evidently the most happy, the most wealthy, the most enlightened, +and the most powerful Governments in the world. Although founded only +last week, they already rank in the first class of nations. I will send +you a little pamphlet to-morrow, which I have just published upon +this subject, in which you will see that I have combated, I trust not +unsuccessfully, the ridiculous opinions of those cautious statesmen +who insinuate that the stability of these Governments is even yet +questionable.' + +The messenger from the Republics of the West now prostrated himself +before the Statue. He informed it that two parties had, unfortunately, +broken out in these countries, and threatened their speedy dissolution; +that one party maintained that all human government originated in the +wants of man; while the other party asserted that it originated in +the desires of man. That these factions had become so violent and so +universal that public business was altogether stopped, trade quite +extinct, and the instalments due to Vraibleusia not forthcoming. +Finally, he entreated the wisest and the best of nations to send +to these distracted lands some discreet and trusty personages, well +instructed in the first principles of government, in order that they +might draw up constitutions for the ignorant and irritated multitude. + +The Private Secretary told Popanilla that this was no more than he had +long expected; that all this would subside, and that he should publish a +postscript to his pamphlet in a few days, which he begged to dedicate to +him. + +A whole corps diplomatique and another shipful of abstract philosophers, +principally Scotchmen, were immediately ordered off to the West; and +shortly after, to render their first principles still more effective and +their administrative arrangements still more influential, some brigades +of infantry and a detachment of the guards followed. Free constitutions +are apt to be misunderstood until half of the nation are bayoneted and +the rest imprisoned. + +As this mighty Vraibleusian nation had, within the last half-hour, +received intelligence from all quarters of the globe, and interfered +in all possible affairs, civil and military, abstract, administrative, +diplomatic, and financial, Popanilla supposed that the assembly would +now break up. Some petty business, however, remained. War was +declared against the King of Sneezeland, for presuming to buy +pocket-handkerchiefs of another nation; and the Emperor of Pastilles was +threatened with a bombardment for daring to sell his peppers to another +people. There were also some dozen commercial treaties to be signed, or +canvassed, or cancelled; and a report having got about that there was +a rumour that some disturbance had broken out in some parts unknown, a +flying expedition was despatched, with sealed orders, to circumnavigate +the globe and arrange affairs. By this time Popanilla thoroughly +understood the meaning of the mysterious inscription. + +Just as the assembly was about to be dissolved another messenger, who, +in his agitation, even forgot the accustomed etiquette of salutation, +rushed into the presence. + +'O most mighty! Sir Bombastes Furioso, who commanded our last +expedition, having sailed, in the hurry, with wrong orders, has attacked +our ancient ally by mistake, and utterly destroyed him!' + +Here was a pretty business for the Best and Wisest! At first the +Managers behaved in a manner the most undiplomatic, and quite lost their +temper; they raved, they stormed, they contradicted each other, they +contradicted themselves, and swore that Sir Bombastes' head should +answer for it. Then they subsided into sulkiness, and at length, +beginning to suspect that the fault might ultimately attach only to +themselves, they got frightened, and held frequent consultations with +pale visages and quivering lips. After some time they thought they could +do nothing wiser than put a good face upon the affair; whatever might be +the result, it was, at any rate, a victory, and a victory would please +the vainest of nations: and so these blundering and blustering gentlemen +determined to adopt the conqueror, whom they were at first weak enough +to disclaim, then vile enough to bully, and finally forced to reward. +The Statue accordingly whispered a most elaborate panegyric on Furioso, +which was of course duly delivered. The Admiral, who was neither +a coward nor a fool, was made ridiculous by being described as the +greatest commander that ever existed; one whom Nature, in a gracious +freak, had made to shame us little men; a happy compound of the piety +of Noah, the patriotism of Themistocles, the skill of Columbus, and +the courage of Nelson; and his exploit styled the most glorious and +unrivalled victory that was ever achieved, even by the Vraibleusians! +Honours were decreed in profusion, a general illumination ordered for +the next twenty nights, and an expedition immediately despatched to +attack the right man. + +All this time the conquerors were in waiting in an anteroom, in great +trepidation, and fully prepared to be cashiered or cut in quarters. They +were rather surprised when, bowing to the ground, they were saluted by +some half-dozen lords-in-waiting as the heroes of the age, congratulated +upon their famous achievements, and humbly requested to appear in the +Presence. + +The warriors accordingly walked up in procession to the Statue, who, +opening its mighty mouth, vomited forth a flood of ribbons, stars, and +crosses, which were divided among the valiant band. This oral discharge +the Vraibleusians called the 'fountain of honour.' + +Scarcely had the mighty Furioso and his crew disappeared than a body +of individuals arrived at the top of the hall, and, placing themselves +opposite the Managers, began rating them for their inefficient +administration of the island, and expatiated on the inconsistency of +their late conduct to the conquering Bombastes. The Managers defended +themselves in a manner perfectly in character with their recent +behaviour; but their opponents were not easily satisfied with their +confused explanations and their explained confusions, and the speeches +on both sides grew warmer. At length the opposition proceeded to expel +the administration from their places by force, and an eager scuffle +between the two parties now commenced. The general body of spectators +continued only to observe, and did not participate in the fray. At +first, this melee only excited amusement; but as it lengthened some +wisely observed that public business greatly suffered by these private +squabbles; and some even ventured to imagine that the safety of the +Statue might be implicated by their continuance. But this last fear was +futile. + +Popanilla asked the Private Secretary which party he thought would +ultimately succeed. The Private Secretary said that, if the present +Managers retained their places, he thought that they would not go out; +but if, on the other hand, they were expelled by the present opposition, +it was probable that the present opposition would become Managers. The +Aboriginal thought both parties equally incompetent; and told Popanilla +some long stories about a person who was chief Manager in his youth, +about five hundred years ago, to whom he said he was indebted for all +his political principles, which did not surprise Popanilla. + +At this moment a noise was heard throughout the hall which made his +Excellency believe that something untoward had again happened, and that +another conqueror by mistake had again arrived. A most wonderful being +galloped up to the top of the apartment. It was half man and half horse. +The Secretary told Popanilla that this was the famous Centaur Chiron; +that his Horseship, having wearied of his ardent locality in the +constellations, had descended some years back to the island of +Vraibleusia; that he had commanded the armies of the nation in all +the great wars, and had gained every battle in which he had ever been +engaged. Chiron was no less skilful, he said, in civil than in +military affairs; but the Vraibleusians, being very jealous of allowing +themselves to be governed by their warriors, the Centaur had lately +been out of employ. While the Secretary was giving him this information +Popanilla perceived that the great Chiron was attacking the combatants +on both sides. The tutor of Achilles, Hercules, and Aeneas, of course, +soon succeeded in kicking them all out, and constituted himself chief +and sole Manager of the Statue. Some grumbled at this autocratic conduct +'upon principle,' but they were chiefly connections of the expelled. +The great majority, wearied with public squabbles occasioned by private +ends, rejoiced to see the public interest entrusted to an individual who +had a reputation to lose. Intelligence of the appointment of the Centaur +was speedily diffused throughout the island, and produced great and +general satisfaction. There were a few, indeed, impartial personages, +who had no great taste for Centaurs in civil capacities, from an +apprehension that, if he could not succeed in persuading them by his +eloquence, his Grace might chance to use his heels. + + + +CHAPTER 11 + + +On the evening of his presentation day his Excellency the Fantaisian +Ambassador and suite honoured the national theatre with their presence. +Such a house was never known! The pit was miraculously over-flown before +the doors were opened, although the proprietor did not permit a single +private entrance. The enthusiasm was universal, and only twelve persons +were killed. The Private Secretary told Popanilla, with an air of great +complacency, that the Vraibleusian theatres were the largest in the +world. Popanilla had little doubt of the truth of this information, as +a long time elapsed before he could even discover the stage. He observed +that every person in the theatre carried a long black glass, which he +kept perpetually fixed to his eye. To sit in a huge room hotter than a +glass-house, in a posture emulating the most sanctified Faquir, with +a throbbing head-ache, a breaking back, and twisted legs, with a heavy +tube held over one eye, and the other covered with the unemployed hand, +is in Vraibleusia called a public amusement. + +The play was by the most famous dramatist that Vraibleusia ever +produced; and certainly, when his Excellency witnessed the first scenes, +it was easier to imagine that he was once more in his own sunset Isle of +Fantaisie than in the railroad state of Vraibleusia: but, unfortunately, +this evening the principal characters and scenes were omitted, to make +room for a moving panorama, which lasted some hours, of the chief and +most recent Vraibleusian victories. The audience fought their battles +o'er again with great fervour. During the play one of the inferior +actors was supposed to have saluted a female chorus-singer with an +ardour which was more than theatrical, and every lady in the house +immediately fainted; because, as the eternal Secretary told Popanilla, +the Vraibleusians are the most modest and most moral nation in the +world. The male part of the audience insisted, in indignant terms, +that the offending performer should immediately be dismissed. In a few +minutes he appeared upon the stage to make a most humble apology for +an offence which he was not conscious of having committed; but the most +moral and the most modest of nations was implacable, and the wretch was +expelled. Having a large family dependent upon his exertions, the actor, +according to a custom prevalent in Vraibleusia, went immediately and +drowned himself in the nearest river. Then the ballet commenced. + +It was soon discovered that the chief dancer, a celebrated foreigner, +who had been announced for this evening, was absent. The uproar was +tremendous, and it was whispered that the house would be pulled down; +because, as Popanilla was informed, the Vraibleusians are the most +particular and the freest people in the world, and never will permit +themselves to be treated with disrespect. The principal chandelier +having been destroyed, the manager appeared, and regretted that Signor +Zephyrino, being engaged to dine with a Grandee of the first class, +was unable to fulfil his engagement. The house became frantic, and the +terrified manager sent immediately for the Signor. The artist, after +a proper time had elapsed, appeared with a napkin round his neck and a +fork in his hand, with which he stood some moments, until the uproar had +subsided, picking his teeth. At length, when silence was obtained, +he told them that he was surprised that the most polished and liberal +nation in the world should behave themselves in such a brutal and +narrow-minded manner. He threatened them that he would throw up his +engagement immediately, and announce to all foreign parts that they were +a horde of barbarians; then, abusing them for a few seconds in round +terms, be retired, amidst the cheerings of the whole house, to finish +his wine. + +When the performances were finished the audience rose and joined in +chorus. On Popanilla inquiring the name and nature of this effusion, he +was told that it was the national air of the Isle of Fantaisie, sung in +compliment to himself. His Excellency shrugged his shoulders and bowed +low. + +The next morning, attended by his suite, Popanilla visited the most +considerable public offices and manufactories in Hubbabub. He was +received in all places with the greatest distinction. He was invariably +welcomed either by the chiefs of the department or the proprietors +themselves, and a sumptuous collation was prepared for him in every +place. His Excellency evinced the liveliest interest in everything +that was pointed out to him, and instantaneously perceived that the +Vraibleusians exceeded the rest of the world in manufactures and public +works as much as they did in arms, morals, modesty, philosophy, and +politics. The Private Secretary being absent upon his postscript, +Popanilla received the most satisfactory information upon all subjects +from the Marquess himself. Whenever he addressed any question to his +Lordship, his noble attendant, with the greatest politeness, begged him +to take some refreshment. Popanilla returned to his hotel with a great +admiration of the manner in which refined philosophy in Vraibleusia +was applied to the common purposes of life; and found that he had that +morning acquired a general knowledge of the chief arts and sciences, +eaten some hundred sandwiches, and tasted as many bottles of sherry. + + + +CHAPTER 12 + + +The most commercial nation in the world was now busily preparing to +diffuse the blessings of civilisation and competition throughout the +native country of their newly-acquired friend. The greatest exporters +that ever existed had never been acquainted with such a subject for +exportation as the Isle of Fantaisie. There everything was wanted. It +was not a partial demand which was to be satisfied, nor a particular +deficiency which was to be supplied; but a vast population was +thoroughly to be furnished with every article which a vast population +must require. From the manufacturer of steam-engines to the manufacturer +of stockings, all were alike employed. There was no branch of trade +in Vraibleusia which did not equally rejoice at this new opening for +commercial enterprise, and which was not equally interested in this new +theatre for Vraibleusian industry, Vraibleusian invention, Vraibleusian +activity, and, above all, Vraibleusian competition. + +Day and night the whole island was employed in preparing for the great +fleet and in huzzaing Popanilla. When at borne, every ten minutes he was +obliged to appear in the balcony, and then, with hand on heart and hat +in hand, ah! that bow! that perpetual motion of popularity! If a man +love ease, let him be most unpopular. The Managers did the impossible to +assist and advance the intercourse between the two nations. They behaved +in a liberal and enlightened manner, and a deputation of liberal and +enlightened merchants consequently waited upon them with a vote of +thanks. They issued so many pink shells that the price of the public +funds was doubled, and affairs arranged so skilfully that money was +universally declared to be worth nothing, so that every one in the +island, from the Premier down to the Mendicant whom the lecture-loving +Skindeep threatened with the bastinado, was enabled to participate, in +some degree, in the approaching venture, if we should use so dubious a +term in speaking of profits so certain. + +Compared with the Fantaisian connection, the whole commerce of the world +appeared to the Vraibleusians a retail business. All other customers +were neglected or discarded, and each individual seemed to concentrate +his resources to supply the wants of a country where they dance by +moonlight, live on fruit, and sleep on flowers. At length the +first fleet of five hundred sail, laden with wonderful specimens +of Vraibleusian mechanism, and innumerable bales of Vraibleusian +manufactures; articles raw and refined, goods dry and damp, wholesale +and retail; silks and woollen cloths; cottons, cutlery, and camlets; +flannels and ladies' albums; under waistcoats, kid gloves, engravings, +coats, cloaks, and ottomans; lamps and looking-glasses; sofas, +round tables, equipages, and scent-bottles; fans and tissue-flowers; +porcelain, poetry, novels, newspapers, and cookery books; bear's-grease, +blue pills, and bijouterie; arms, beards, poodles, pages, mustachios, +court-guides, and bon-bons; music, pictures, ladies' maids, scrapbooks, +buckles, boxing-gloves, guitars, and snuff-boxes; together with a +company of opera-singers, a band of comedians, a popular preacher, +some quacks, lecturers, artists, and literary gentlemen, principally +sketch-book men, quitted, one day, with a favourable wind, and amid the +exultation of the inhabitants, the port of Hubbabub! + +When his Excellency Prince Popanilla heard of the contents of this +stupendous cargo, notwithstanding his implicit confidence in the +superior genius and useful knowledge of the Vraibleusians, he could +not refrain from expressing a doubt whether, in the present undeveloped +state of his native land, any returns could be made proportionate to +so curious and elaborate an importation; but whenever he ventured to +intimate his opinion to any of the most commercial nation in the world +he was only listened to with an incredulous smile which seemed to pity +his inexperience, or told, with an air of profound self-complacency, +that in Fantaisie 'there must be great resources.' + +In the meantime, public companies were formed for working the mines, +colonizing the waste lands, and cutting the coral rocks of the Indian +Isle, of all which associations Popanilla was chosen Director by +acclamation. These, however, it must be confessed, were speculations of +a somewhat doubtful nature; but the Branch Bank Society of the Isle of +Fantaisie really held out flattering prospects. + +When the fleet had sailed they gave Popanilla a public dinner. It was +attended by all the principal men in the island, and he made a speech, +which was received in a rather different manner than was his sunset +oration by the monarch whom he now represented. Faintaisie and its +accomplished Envoy were at the same time the highest and the universal +fashion. The ladies sang la Syrene, dressed their hair la Mermede, +and themselves la Fantastique; which, by-the-bye, was not new; and the +gentlemen wore boa-constrictor cravats and waltzed la mer Indienne--a +title probably suggested by a remembrance of the dangers of the sea. + +It was soon discovered that, without taking into consideration the +average annual advantages which would necessarily spring from their new +connection, the profits which must accrue upon the present expedition +alone had already doubled the capital of the island. Everybody in +Vraibleusia had either made a fortune, or laid the foundation of one. +The penniless had become prosperous, and the principal merchants and +manufacturers, having realised large capitals, retired from business. +But the colossal fortunes were made by the gentlemen who had assisted +the administration in raising the price of the public funds and in +managing the issues of the pink shells. The effect of this immense +increase of the national wealth and of this creation of new and powerful +classes of society was speedily felt. Great moves to the westward +were perpetual, and a variety of sumptuous squares and streets were +immediately run up in that chosen land. Butlers were at a premium; +coach-makers never slept; card-engravers, having exhausted copper, had +recourse to steel; and the demand for arms at the Heralds' College was +so great that even the mystical genius of Garter was exhausted, and +hostile meetings were commenced between the junior members of +some ancient families, to whom the same crest had been unwittingly +apportioned; but, the seconds interfering, they discovered themselves +to be relations. All the eldest sons were immediately to get into +Parliament, and all the younger ones as quickly into the Guards; and +the simple Fantaisian Envoy, who had the peculiar felicity of taking +everything au pied du lettre, made a calculation that, if these +arrangements were duly effected, in a short time the Vraibleusian +representatives would exceed the Vraibleusian represented; and that +there would be at least three officers in the Vraibleusian guards +to every private. Judging from the beards and mustachios which now +abounded, this great result was near at hand. With the snub nose which +is the characteristic of the millionaires, these appendages produce a +pleasing effect. + +When the excitement had a little subsided; when their mighty mansions +were magnificently furnished; when their bright equipages were fairly +launched, and the due complement of their liveried retainers perfected; +when, in short, they had imitated the aristocracy in every point in +which wealth could rival blood: then the new people discovered with +dismay that one thing was yet wanting, which treasure could not +purchase, and which the wit of others could not supply--Manner. In +homely phrase, the millionaires did not know how to behave themselves. +Accustomed to the counting-house, the factory, or the exchange, they +looked queer in saloons, and said 'Sir!' when they addressed you; and +seemed stiff, and hard, and hot. Then the solecisms they committed in +more formal society, oh! they were outrageous; and a leading article +in an eminent journal was actually written upon the subject. I dare not +write the deeds they did; but it was whispered that when they drank wine +they filled their glasses to the very brim. All this delighted the +old class, who were as envious of their riches as the new people were +emulous of their style. + +In any other country except Vraibleusia persons so situated would have +consoled themselves for their disagreeable position by a consciousness +that their posterity would not be annoyed by the same deficiencies; +but the wonderful Vraibleusian people resembled no other, even in their +failings. They determined to acquire in a day that which had hitherto +been deemed the gradual consequence of tedious education. + +A 'Society for the Diffusion of Fashionable Knowledge' was announced; +the Millionaires looked triumphantly mysterious, the aristocrats +quizzed. The object of the society is intimated by its title; and the +method by which its institutors proposed to attain this object was the +periodical publication of pamphlets, under the superintendence of +a competent committee. The first treatise appeared: its subject was +NONCHALANCE. It instructed its students ever to appear inattentive in +the society of men, and heartless when they conversed with women. It +taught them not to understand a man if he were witty; to misunderstand +him if he were eloquent; to yawn or stare if he chanced to elevate +his voice, or presumed to ruffle the placidity of the social calm by +addressing his fellow-creatures with teeth unparted. Excellence was +never to be recognised, but only disparaged with a look: an opinion or +a sentiment, and the nonchalant was lost for ever. For these, he was +to substitute a smile like a damp sunbeam, a moderate curl of the upper +lip, and the all-speaking and perpetual shrug of the shoulders. By a +skilful management of these qualities it was shown to be easy to ruin +another's reputation and ensure your own without ever opening your +mouth. To woman, this exquisite treatise said much in few words: +'Listlessness, listlessness, listlessness,' was the edict by which the +most beautiful works of nature were to be regulated, who are only truly +charming when they make us feel and feel themselves. 'Listlessness, +listlessness, listlessness;' for when you choose not to be listless, the +contrast is so striking that the triumph must be complete. + +The treatise said much more, which I shall omit. It forgot, however, to +remark that this vaunted nonchalance may be the offspring of the most +contemptible and the most odious of passions: and that while it may be +exceedingly refined to appear uninterested when others are interested, +to witness excellence without emotion, and to listen to genius without +animation, the heart of the Insensible may as often be inflamed by Envy +as inspired by Fashion. + +Dissertations 'On leaving cards,' 'On cutting intimate friends,' 'On +cravats,' 'On dinner courses,' 'On poor relations.' 'On bores,' 'On +lions,' were announced as speedily to appear. In the meantime, the Essay +on Nonchalance produced the best effects. A ci-devant stockbroker cut +a Duke dead at his club the day after its publication; and his daughter +yawned while his Grace's eldest son, the Marquess, made her an offer +as she was singing 'Di tanti palpiti.' The aristocrats got a little +frightened, and when an eminent hop-merchant and his lady had asked a +dozen Countesses to dinner, and forgot to be at home to receive them, +the old class left off quizzing. + +The pamphlets, however, continued issuing forth, and the new people +advanced at a rate which was awful. They actually began to originate +some ideas of their own, and there was a whisper among the leaders of +voting the aristocrats old-fashioned. The Diffusion Society now caused +these exalted personages great anxiety and uneasiness. They argued that +Fashion was a relative quality; that it was quite impossible, and not to +be expected, that all people were to aspire to be fashionable; that it +was not in the nature of things, and that, if it were, society could +not exist; that the more their imitators advanced the more they should +baffle their imitations; that a first and fashion able class was a +necessary consequence of the organisation of man; and that a line +of demarcation would for ever be drawn between them and the other +islanders. The warmth and eagerness with which they maintained and +promulgated their opinions might have tempted, however, an impartial +person to suspect that they secretly entertained some doubts of their +truth and soundness. + +On the other hand, the other party maintained that Fashion was a +positive quality; that the moment a person obtained a certain degree of +refinement he or she became, in fact and essentially, fashionable; +that the views of the old class were unphilosophical and illiberal, and +unworthy of an enlightened age; that men were equal, and that everything +is open to everybody; and that when we take into consideration the +nature of man, the origin of society, and a few other things, and duly +consider the constant inclination and progression towards perfection +which mankind evince, there was no reason why, in the course of time, +the whole nation should not go to Almack's on the same night. + +At this moment of doubt and dispute the Government of Vraibleusia, with +that spirit of conciliation and liberality and that perfect wisdom for +which it had been long celebrated, caring very little for the old class, +whose interest, it well knew, was to support it, and being exceedingly +desirous of engaging the affections of the new race, declared in their +favour; and acting upon that sublime scale of measures for which this +great nation has always been so famous, the Statue issued an edict that +a new literature should be invented, in order at once to complete the +education of the Millionaires and the triumph of the Romantic over the +Classic School of Manners. + +The most eminent writers were, as usual, in the pay of the Government, +and BURLINGTON, A TALE OF FASHIONABLE LIFE in three volumes post octavo, +was sent forth. Two or three similar works, bearing titles equally +euphonious and aristocratic, were published daily; and so exquisite was +the style of these productions, so naturally artificial the construction +of their plots, and so admirably inventive the conception of their +characters, that many who had been repulsed by the somewhat abstract +matter and arid style of the treatises, seduced by the interest of a +story, and by the dazzling delicacies of a charming style, really now +picked up a considerable quantity of very useful knowledge; so that when +the delighted students had eaten some fifty or sixty imaginary dinners +in my lord's dining-room, and whirled some fifty or sixty imaginary +waltzes in my lady's dancing-room, there was scarcely a brute left among +the whole Millionaires. But what produced the most beneficial effects on +the new people, and excited the greatest indignation and despair among +the old class, were some volumes which the Government, with shocking +Machiavelism, bribed some needy scions of nobility to scribble, and +which revealed certain secrets vainly believed to be quite sacred and +inviolable. + + + +CHAPTER 13 + + +Shortly after the sailing of the great fleet the Private Secretary +engaged in a speculation which was rather more successful than any +one contained in his pamphlet on 'The Present State of the Western +Republics.' + +One morning, as he and Popanilla were walking on a quay, and +deliberating on the clauses of the projected commercial treaty between +Vraibleusia and Fantaisie, the Secretary suddenly stopped, as if he had +seen his father's ghost or lost the thread of his argument, and asked +Popanilla, with an air of suppressed agitation, whether he observed +anything in the distance. Popanilla, who, like all savages, was +long-sighted, applying to his eye the glass which, in conformity to the +custom of the country, he always wore round his neck, confessed that he +saw nothing. The Secretary, who had never unfixed his glass nor moved +a step since he asked the question, at length, by pointing with his +finger, attracted Popanilla's attention to what his Excellency conceived +to be a porpoise bobbing up and down in the waves. The Secretary, +however, was not of the same opinion as the Ambassador. He was not very +communicative, indeed, as to his own opinion upon this grave subject, +but he talked of making farther observations when the tide went down; +and was so listless, abstracted, and absent, during the rest of their +conversation, that it soon ceased, and they speedily parted. + + +The next day, when Popanilla read the morning papers, a feat which he +regularly performed, for spelling the newspaper was quite delicious to +one who had so recently learned to read, he found that they spoke of +nothing but of the discovery of a new island, information of which had +been received by the Government only the preceding night. The Fantaisian +Ambassador turned quite pale, and for the first time in his life +experienced the passion of jealousy, the green-eyed monster, so called +from only being experienced by green-horns. Already the prominent state +he represented seemed to retire to the background. He did not doubt +that the Vraibleusians were the most capricious as well as the most +commercial nation in the world. His reign was evidently over. The new +island would send forth a Prince still more popular. His allowance +of pink shells would be gradually reduced, and finally withdrawn. His +doubts, also, as to the success of the recent expedition to Fantaisie +began to revive. His rising reminiscences of his native land, which, +with the joint assistance of popularity and philosophy, he had hitherto +succeeded in stifling, were indeed awkward. He could not conceive his +mistress with a page and a poodle. He feared much that the cargo was not +well assorted. Popanilla determined to inquire after his canoe. + +His courage, however, was greatly reassured when, on reading the second +edition, he learned that the new island was not of considerable size, +though most eligibly situate; and, moreover, that it was perfectly void +of inhabitants. When the third edition was published he found, to +his surprise, that the Private Secretary was the discoverer of this +opposition island. This puzzled the Plenipotentiary greatly. He read +on; he found that this acquisition, upon which all Vraibleusia was +congratulated in such glowing terms by all its journals, actually +produced nothing. His Excellency began to breathe; another paragraph, +and he found that the rival island was, a rock! He remembered the +porpoise of yesterday. The island certainly could not be very large, +even at low water. Popanilla once more felt like a Prince: he defied all +the discoverers that could ever exist. He thought of the great resources +of the great country he represented with proud satisfaction. He waited +with easy, confidence the return of the fleet which had carried out the +most judicious assortment with which he had ever been acquainted to +the readiest market of which he had any knowledge. He had no doubt his +mistress would look most charmingly in a barege. Popanilla determined to +present his canoe to the National Museum. + +Although his Excellency had been in the highest state of astonishment +daring his whole mission to Vraibleusia, it must be confessed, now that +he understood his companion's question of yesterday, he particularly +stared. His wonder was not decreased in the evening, when the +'Government Gazette' appeared. It contained an order for the immediate +fortification of the new island by the most skilful engineers, without +estimates. A strong garrison was instantly embarked. A Governor, and a +Deputy-Governor, and Storekeepers, more plentiful than stores, were to +accompany them. The Private Secretary went out as President of Council. +A Bishop was promised; and a complete Court of Judicature, Chancery, +King's Bench, Common Pleas, and Exchequer, were to be off the next +week. It is only due to the characters of courtiers, who are so often +reproached with ingratitude to their patrons, to record that the Private +Secretary, in the most delicate manner, placed at the disposal of his +former employer, the Marquess Moustache, the important office of Agent +for the Indemnity Claims of the original Inhabitants of the Island; +the post being a sinecure, the income being considerable, and local +attendance being unnecessary, the noble Lord, in a manner equally +delicate, appointed himself. + +'Upon what system,' one day inquired that unwearied political student, +the Fantaisian Ambassador, of his old friend Skindeep, 'does your +Government surround a small rock in the middle of the sea with +fortifications, and cram it full of clerks, soldiers, lawyers, and +priests?' + +'Why, really, your Excellency, I am the last man in the world to answer +questions; but I believe we call it THE COLONIAL SYSTEM!' + +Before the President, and Governor, and Deputy-Governor, and +Storekeepers had embarked, the Vraibleusian journals, who thought +that the public had been satiated with congratulations on the Colonial +System, detected that the present colony was a job. Their reasoning was +so convincing, and their denunciations so impressive, that the Managers +got frightened, and cut off one of the Deputy-Storekeepers. The +President of Council now got more frightened than the Managers. He was +one of those men who think that the world can be saved by writing a +pamphlet. A pamphlet accordingly appeared upon the subject of the new +colony. The writer showed that the debateable land was the most valuable +acquisition ever attained by a nation famous for their acquisitions; +that there was a spring of water in the middle of the rock of a +remarkable freshness, and which was never dry except during the summer +and the earlier winter months; that all our outward-bound ships would +experience infinite benefit from this fresh water; that the scurvy would +therefore disappear from the service; and that the naval victories +which the Vraibleusians would gain in future wars would consequently be +occasioned by the present colony. No one could mistake the felicitous +reasoning of the author of 'The Present State of the Western Republics!' + +About this time Popanilla fell ill. He lost his appetite and his +spirits, and his digestion was sadly disordered. His friends endeavoured +to console him by telling him that dyspepsia was the national disease +of Vraibleusia; that its connection with civil and religious liberty +was indissoluble; that every man, woman, and child above fifteen in the +island was a martyr to it; that it was occasioned by their rapid mode of +despatching their meals, which again was occasioned by the little time +which the most active nation in the world could afford to bestow upon +such a losing business as eating. + +All this was no consolation to a man who had lost his appetite; and so +Popanilla sent for a gentleman who, he was told, was the most eminent +physician in the island. The most eminent physician, when he arrived, +would not listen to a single syllable that his patient wished to address +to him. He told Popanilla that his disorder was 'decidedly liver;' that +it was occasioned by his eating his meat before his bread instead of +after it, and drinking at the end of the first course instead of the +beginning of the second; that he had only to correct these ruinous +habits, and that he would then regain his tone. + +Popanilla observed the instructions of the eminent physician to the very +letter. He invariably eat his bread before his meat, and watched the +placing of the first dish of the second course upon the table ere he +ventured to refresh himself with any liquid. At the end of a week he was +infinitely worse. + +He now called in a gentleman who was recommended to him as the most +celebrated practitioner in all Vraibleusia. The most celebrated +practitioner listened with great attention to every particular that +his patient had to state, but never condescended to open his own mouth. +Popanilla was delighted, and revenged himself for the irritability +of the eminent physician. After two more visits, the most celebrated +practitioner told Popanilla that his disorder was 'unquestionably +nervous;' that he had over-excited himself by talking too much; that in +future he must count five between each word he uttered, never ask any +questions, and avoid society; that is, never stay at an evening party on +any consideration later than twenty-two minutes past two, and never be +induced by any persuasion to dine out more than once on the same day. +The most celebrated practitioner added that he had only to observe these +regulations, and that he would speedily recover his energy. + +Popanilla never asked a question for a whole week, and Skindeep never +knew him more delightful. He not only counted five, but ten, between +every word he uttered; and determining that his cure should not be +delayed, whenever he had nobody to speak to he continued counting. In a +few days this solitary computation brought on a slow fever. + +He now determined to have a consultation between the most eminent +physician and the most celebrated practitioner. It was delightful to +witness the meeting of these great men. Not a shade of jealousy dimmed +the sunshine of their countenances. After a consultation, they agreed +that Popanilla's disorder was neither 'liver,' nor 'nervous,' but +'mind:' that he had done too much; that he had overworked his brain; +that he must take more exercise; that he must breathe more air; that he +must have relaxation; that he must have a change of scene. + +'Where shall I go?' was the first question which Popanilla had sent +forth for a fortnight, and it was addressed to Skindeep. + +'Really, your Excellency, I am the last man in the world to answer +questions; but the place which is generally frequented by us when we are +suffering from your complaint is Blunderland.' + +'Well, then, to Blunderland let us go!' + +Shortly before Popanilla's illness he had been elected a member of the +Vraibleusian Horticultural Society, and one evening he had endeavoured +to amuse himself by reading the following CHAPTER ON FRUIT. + + + +CHAPTER 14 + + +That a taste for fruit is inherent in man is an opinion which is +sanctioned by the conduct of man in all ages and in all countries. While +some nations have considered it profanation or pollution to nourish +themselves with flesh or solace themselves with fish, while almost every +member of the animal creation has in turn been considered either sacred +or unclean, mankind, in all climes and in all countries, the Hindoo and +the Hebrew, the Egyptian and the Greek, the Roman and the Frank, have, +in some degree, made good their boastful claim to reason, by universally +feeding upon those delightful productions of Nature which are nourished +with the dews of heaven, and which live for ever in its breath. + +And, indeed, when we consider how exceedingly refreshing at all times is +the flavour of fruit; how very natural, and, in a manner, born in him, +is man's inclination for it; how little it is calculated to pall upon +his senses; and how conducive, when not eaten to excess, it is to his +health, as well as to his pleasure; we must not be surprised that a +conviction of its excellence should have been one of those few subjects +on which men have never disagreed. + +That some countries are more favoured in their fruit than others is +a fact so notorious that its notice is unnecessary; but we are not +therefore to suppose that their appetite for it is more keen than +the appetite of other nations for their fruit who live in less genial +climes. Indeed, if we were not led to believe that all nations are +inspired by an equal love for this production, it might occasionally +be suspected that some of those nations who are least skilful as +horticulturists evince a greater passion for their inferior growths +than more fortunate people for their choicer produce. The effects of +bad fruit, however, upon the constitution, and consequently upon the +national character, are so injurious that every liberal man must regret +that any people, either from ignorance or obligation, should be forced +to have recourse to anything so fatal, and must feel that it is the +duty of everyone who professes to be a philanthropist to propagate and +encourage a taste for good fruit throughout all countries of the globe. + +A vast number of centuries before Popanilla had the fortune to lose his +mistress's lock of hair, and consequently to become an ambassador +to Vraibleusia, the inhabitants of that island, then scarcely more +civilised than their new allies of Fantaisie were at present, suffered +very considerably from the trash which they devoured, from that innate +taste for fruit already noticed. In fact, although there are antiquaries +who pretend that the Vraibleusians possessed some of the species of wild +plums and apples even at that early period, the majority of inquirers +are disposed to believe that their desserts were solely confined to the +wildest berries, horse-chestnuts, and acorns. + +A tradition runs, that while they were committing these abominations +a ship, one of the first ships that had ever touched at the island, +arrived at the present port of Hubbabub, then a spacious and shipless +bay. The master of the vessel, on being brought before the King (for +the story I am recording happened long before the construction of the +miraculous Statue), presented, with his right hand, to his Majesty, a +small pyramidal substance of a golden hue, which seemed to spring out +of green and purple leaves. His Majesty did not exactly understand +the intention of this ceremony; but of course, like a true legitimate, +construed it into a symbol of homage. No sooner had the King brought the +unknown substance near to his eyes, with the intention of scrutinising +its nature, than the fragrance was so delightful that by mistake he +applied it to his mouth. The King, only took one mouthful, and then, +with a cry of rapture, instantly handed the delicacy to his favourite, +who, to the great mortification of the Secretary of State, finished it. +The stranger, however, immediately supplied the surrounding courtiers +from a basket which was slung on his left arm; and no sooner had they +all tasted his gift than they fell upon their knees to worship him, +vowing that the distributor of such delight must be more than man. If +this avowal be considered absurd and extraordinary in this present age +of philosophy, we must not forget to make due allowance for the +palates of individuals who, having been so long accustomed merely to +horse-chestnuts and acorns, suddenly, for the first time in their lives, +tasted Pine-apple. + +The stranger, with an air of great humility, disclaimed their proffered +adoration, and told them that, far from being superior to common +mortals, he was, on the contrary, one of the lowliest of the human race; +in fact, he did not wish to conceal it; in spite of his vessel and +his attendants, he was merely a market-gardener on a great scale. This +beautiful fruit he had recently discovered in the East, to which quarter +of the world he annually travelled in order to obtain a sufficient +quantity to supply the great Western hemisphere, of which he himself +was a native. Accident had driven him, with one of his ships, into the +Island of Vraibleusia; and, as the islanders appeared to be pleased with +his cargo, he said that he should have great pleasure in supplying them +at present and receiving their orders for the future. + +The proposition was greeted with enthusiasm, The King immediately +entered into a contract with the market-gardener on his own terms. +The sale, or cultivation, or even the eating of all other fruits was +declared high-treason, and pine-apple, for weighty reasons duly recited +in the royal proclamation, announced as the established fruit of the +realm. The cargo, under the superintendence of some of the most trusty +of the crew, was unshipped for the immediate supply of the island; and +the merchant and his customers parted, mutually delighted and mutually +profited. + +Time flew on. The civilisation of Vraibleusia was progressive, as +civilisation always is; and the taste for pine-apples ever on the +increase, as the taste for pine-apples ever should be. The supply was +regular and excellent, the prices reasonable, and the tradesmen civil. +They, of course, had not failed to advance in fair proportion with the +national prosperity. Their numbers had much increased as well as their +customers. Fresh agents arrived with every fresh cargo. They had long +quitted the stalls with which they had been contented on their first +settlement in the island, and now were the dapper owners of neat depots +in all parts of the kingdom where depots could find customers. + +A few more centuries, and affairs began to change. All that I +have related as matter of fact, and which certainly is not better +authenticated than many other things that happened two or three thousand +years ago, which, however, the most sceptical will not presume to +maintain did not take place, was treated as the most idle and ridiculous +fable by the dealers in pine-apples themselves. They said that they knew +nothing about a market-gardener; that they were, and had always been, +the subjects of the greatest Prince in the world, compared with whom all +other crowned heads ranked merely as subjects did with their immediate +sovereigns. This Prince, they said, lived in the most delicious region +in the world, and the fruit which they imported could only be procured +from his private gardens, where it sprang from one of the trees that +had bloomed in the gardens of the Hesperides. The Vraibleusians were at +first a little surprised at this information, but the old tradition of +the market-gardener was certainly an improbable one; and the excellence +of the fruit and the importance assumed by those who supplied it were +deemed exceedingly good evidence of the truth of the present story. When +the dealers had repeated their new tale for a certain number of years, +there was not an individual in the island who in the slightest degree +suspected its veracity. One more century, and no person had ever heard +that any suspicions had ever existed. + +The immediate agents of the Prince of the World could, of course, be no +common personages; and the servants of the gardener, who some centuries +before had meekly disclaimed the proffered reverence of his delighted +customers, now insisted upon constant adoration from every eater of +pine-apples in the island. In spite, however, of the arrogance of the +dealers, of their refusal to be responsible to the laws of the country +in which they lived, and of the universal precedence which, on all +occasions, was claimed even by the shop-boys, so decided was the taste +which the Vraibleusians had acquired for pine-apples that there +is little doubt that, had the dealers in this delicious fruit been +contented with the respect and influence and profit which were the +consequences of their vocation, the Vraibleusians would never have +presumed to have grumbled at their arrogance or to have questioned their +privileges. But the agents, wearied of the limited sphere to which their +exertions were confined, and encouraged by the success which every new +claim and pretence on their part invariably experienced, began to evince +an inclination to interfere in other affairs besides those of fruit, and +even expressed their willingness to undertake no less an office than the +management of the Statue. + +A century or two were solely occupied by conflicts occasioned by the +unreasonable ambition of these dealers in pine-apples. Such great +political effects could be produced by men apparently so unconnected +with politics as market-gardeners! Ever supported by the lower ranks, +whom they supplied with fruit of the most exquisite flavour without +charge, they were, for a long time, often the successful opponents, +always the formidable adversaries, of the Vraibleusian aristocracy, who +were the objects of their envy and the victims of their rapaciousness. +The Government at last, by a vigorous effort, triumphed. In spite of the +wishes of the majority of the nation, the whole of the dealers were one +day expelled the island, and the Managers of the Statue immediately took +possession of their establishments. + +By distributing the stock of fruit which was on hand liberally, the +Government, for a short time, reconciled the people to the chance; but +as their warehouses became daily less furnished they were daily reminded +that, unless some system were soon adopted, the Islanders must be +deprived of a luxury to which they had been so long accustomed that its +indulgence had, in fact, become a second nature. No one of the managers +had the hardihood to propose a recurrence to horse-chestnuts. Pride and +fear alike forbade a return to their old purveyor. Other fruits there +were which, in spite of the contract with the market-gardener, had at +various times been secretly introduced into the island; but they had +never greatly flourished, and the Statue was loth to recommend to the +notice of his subjects productions an indulgence in which, through the +instigation of the recently-expelled agents, it had so often denounced +as detrimental to the health, and had so often discouraged by the +severest punishments. + +At this difficult and delicate crisis, when even expedients seemed +exhausted and statesmen were at fault, the genius of an individual +offered a substitute. An inventive mind discovered the power of +propagating suckers. The expelled dealers had either been ignorant of +this power, or had concealed their knowledge of it. They ever maintained +that it was impossible for pine-apples to grow except in one spot, and +that the whole earth must be supplied from the gardens of the palace of +the Prince of the World. Now, the Vraibleusians were flattered with the +patriotic fancy of eating pine-apples of a home-growth; and the blessed +fortune of that nation, which did not depend for their supply of fruit +upon a foreign country, was eagerly expatiated on. Secure from extortion +and independent of caprice, the Vraibleusians were no longer to be +insulted by the presence of foreigners; who, while they violated +their laws with impunity, referred the Vraibleusians, when injured and +complaining, to a foreign master. + +No doubt this appeal to the patriotism, and the common sense, and the +vanity of the nation would have been successful had not the produce of +the suckers been both inferior in size and deficient in flavour. The +Vraibleusians tasted and shook their heads. The supply, too, was as +imperfect as the article; for the Government gardeners were but sorry +horticulturists, and were ever making experiments and alterations in +their modes of culture. The article was scarce, though the law had +decreed it universal; and the Vraibleusians were obliged to feed upon +fruit which they considered at the same time both poor and expensive. +They protested as strongly against the present system as its +promulgators had protested against the former one, and they revenged +themselves for their grievances by breaking the shop-windows. + +As any result was preferable, in the view of the Statue, to the +re-introduction of foreign fruit and foreign agents, and as the Managers +considered it highly important that an indissoluble connection should in +future exist between the Government and so influential and profitable a +branch of trade, they determined to adopt the most vigorous measures to +infuse a taste for suckers in the discontented populace. But the eating +of fruit being clearly a matter of taste, it is evidently a habit which +should rather be encouraged by a plentiful supply of exquisite +produce than enforced by the introduction of burning and bayonets. The +consequences of the strong measures of the Government were universal +discontent and partial rebellion. The Islanders, foolishly ascribing the +miseries which they endured, not so much to the folly of the Government +as to the particular fruit through which the dissensions had originated, +began to entertain a disgust for pine-apples altogether, and to sicken +at the very mention of that production which had once occasioned them +so much pleasure, and which had once commanded such decided admiration. +They universally agreed that there were many other fruits in the world +besides Pine-apple which had been too long neglected. One dilated on the +rich flavour of Melon; another panegyrised Pumpkin, and offered to make +up by quantity for any slight deficiency in gout; Cherries were not +without their advocates; Strawberries were not forgotten. One maintained +that the Fig had been pointed out for the established fruit of all +countries; while another asked, with a reeling eye, whether they need +go far to seek when a God had condescended to preside over the Grape! +In short, there was not a fruit which flourishes that did not find +its votaries. Strange to say, another foreign product, imported from a +neighbouring country famous for its barrenness, counted the most; and +the fruit faction which chiefly frightened the Vraibleusian Government +was an acid set, who crammed themselves with Crab-apples. + +It was this party which first seriously and practically conceived the +idea of utterly abolishing the ancient custom of eating pine-apples. +While they themselves professed to devour no other fruit save crabs, +they at the same time preached the doctrine of an universal fruit +toleration, which they showed would be the necessary and natural +consequence of the destruction of the old monopoly. Influenced by +these representations, the great body of the people openly joined the +Crab-apple men in their open attacks. The minority, who still retained +a taste for pines, did not yield without an arduous though ineffectual +struggle. During the riots occasioned by this rebellion the Hall of +Audience was broken open, and the miraculous Statue, which was reputed +to have a great passion for pine-apples, dashed to the ground. The +Managers were either slain or disappeared. The whole affairs of the +kingdom were conducted by a body called 'the Fruit Committee;' and thus +a total revolution of the Government of Vraibleusia was occasioned by +the prohibition of foreign pine-apples. What an argument in favour of +free-trade! + +Every fruit, except that one which had so recently been supported by +the influence of authority and the terrors of law, might now be seen +and devoured in the streets of Hubbabub. In one corner men were sucking +oranges, as if they had lived their whole lives on salt: in another, +stuffing pumpkin, like cannibals at their first child. Here one took in +at a mouthful a bunch of grapes, from which might have been pressed +a good quart. Another was lying on the ground from a surfeit of +mulberries. The effect of this irrational excess will be conceived by +the judicious reader. Calcutta itself never suffered from a cholera +morbus half so fearful. Thousands were dying. Were I Thucydides or +Boccaccio, I would write pages on this plague. The commonwealth itself +must soon have yielded its ghost, for all order had ceased throughout +the island ever since they had deserted pine-apples. There was no +Government: anarchy alone was perfect. Of the Fruit Committee, many of +the members were dead or dying, and the rest were robbing orchards. + +At this moment of disorganisation and dismay a stout soldier, one of the +crab-apple faction, who had possessed sufficient command over himself, +in spite of the seeming voracity of his appetite, not to indulge to +a dangerous excess, made his way one morning into the old Hall of +Audience, and there, groping about, succeeded in finding the golden +head of the Statue; which placing on the hilt of his sword, the point of +which he had stuck in the pedestal, he announced to the city that he +had discovered the secret of conversing with this wonderful piece of +mechanism, and that in future he would take care of the health and +fortune of the State. + +There were some who thought it rather strange that the head-piece should +possess the power of resuming its old functions, although deprived +of the aid of the body which contained the greater portion of the +machinery. As it was evidently well supported by the sword, they were +not surprised that it should stand without the use of its legs. But the +stout soldier was the only one in the island who enjoyed the blessing of +health. He was fresh, vigorous, and vigilant; they, exhausted, weak, +and careless of everything except cure. He soon took measures for the +prevention of future mischief and for the cure of the present; and when +his fellow-islanders had recovered, some were grateful, others fearful, +and all obedient. + +So long as the stout soldier lived, no dissensions on the subject of +fruit ever broke out. Although he himself never interfered in the sale +of the article, and never attempted to create another monopoly, still, +by his influence and authority, he prevented any excess being occasioned +by the Fruit toleration which was enjoyed. Indeed, the Vraibleusians +themselves had suffered so severely from their late indiscretions that +such excesses were not likely again to occur. People began to discover +that it was not quite so easy a thing as they had imagined for every +man to be his own Fruiterer; and that gardening was a craft which, +like others, required great study, long practice, and early experience. +Unable to supply themselves, the majority became the victims of quack +traders. They sickened of spongy apricots, and foxy pears, and withered +plums, and blighted apples, and tasteless berries. They at length +suspected that a nation might fare better if its race of fruiterers were +overseen and supported by the State, if their skill and their market +were alike secured. Although, no longer being tempted to suffer from a +surfeit, the health of the Islanders had consequently recovered, this +was, after all, but a negative blessing, and they sadly missed a luxury +once so reasonable and so refreshing. They sighed for an established +fruit and a protected race of cultivators. But the stout soldier was so +sworn an enemy to any Government Fruit, and so decided an admirer of the +least delightful, that the people, having no desire of being forced to +cat crab-apples, only longed for more delicious food in silence. + +At length the stout soldier died, and on the night of his death the +sword which had so long supported the pretended Government snapped in +twain. No arrangement existed for carrying on the administration of +affairs. The master-mind was gone, without having imported the secret of +conversing with the golden head to any successor. The people assembled +in agitated crowds. Each knew his neighbour's thoughts without their +being declared. All smacked their lips, and a cry for pine-apples rent +the skies. + +At this moment the Aboriginal Inhabitant appeared, and announced that +in examining the old Hall of Audience, which had been long locked up, +he had discovered in a corner, where they had been flung by the stout +soldier when he stole away the head, the remaining portions of the +Statue; that they were quite uninjured, and that on fixing the head once +more upon them, and winding up the works, he was delighted to find that +this great work of his ancestor, under whose superintendence the nation +had so flourished, resumed all its ancient functions. The people were +in a state of mind for a miracle, and they hailed the joyful wonder with +shouts of triumph. The State was placed under the provisional care of +the Aboriginal. All arrangements for its superintendence were left +to his discretion, and its advice was instantly to be taken upon that +subject which at present was nearest the people's hearts. + +But that subject was encompassed with difficulties. Pine-apples could +only be again procured by an application to the Prince of the World, +whose connection they had rejected, and by an introduction into +the island of those foreign agents, who, now convinced that the +Vraibleusians could not exist without their presence, would be more +arrogant and ambitious and turbulent than ever. Indeed, the Aboriginal +feared that the management of the Statue would be the sine qua non of +negotiation with the Prince. If this were granted, it was clear that +Vraibleusia must in future only rank as a dependent state of a foreign +power, since the direction of the whole island would actually be at +the will of the supplier of pine-apples. Ah! this mysterious taste for +fruit! In politics it has often occasioned infinite embarrassment. + +At this critical moment the Aboriginal received information that, +although the eating of pine-apples had been utterly abolished, and +although it was generally supposed that a specimen of this fruit had +long ceased to exist in the country, nevertheless a body of persons, +chiefly consisting of the descendants of the Government gardeners who +had succeeded the foreign agents, and who had never lost their taste for +this pre-eminent fruit, had long been in the habit of secretly raising, +for their private eating, pine-apples from the produce of those suckers +which had originally excited such odium and occasioned such misfortunes. +Long practice, they said, and infinite study, had so perfected them in +this art that they now succeeded in producing pine-apples which, both +for size and flavour, were not inferior to the boasted produce of a +foreign clime. Their specimens verified their assertion, and the whole +nation were invited to an instant trial. The long interval which had +elapsed since any man had enjoyed a treat so agreeable lent, perhaps, an +additional flavour to that which was really excellent; and so enraptured +and enthusiastic were the great majority of the people that the +propagators of suckers would have had no difficulty, had they pushed +the point, in procuring as favourable and exclusive a contract as the +market-gardener of ancient days. + +But the Aboriginal and his advisers were wisely mindful that the +passions of a people are not arguments for legislation; and they felt +conscious that when the first enthusiasm had subsided and when their +appetites were somewhat satisfied, the discontented voices of many who +had been long used to other fruits would be recognised even amidst the +shouts of the majority. They therefore greatly qualified the contract +between the nation and the present fruiterers. An universal Toleration +of Fruit was allowed; but no man was to take office under Government, or +enter the services, or in any way become connected with the Court, who +was not supplied from the Government depots. + +Since this happy restoration Pine-apple has remained the established +fruit of the Island of Vraibleusia; and, it must be confessed, has +been found wonderfully conducive to the health and happiness of the +Islanders. Some sectarians still remain obstinate, or tasteless enough +to prefer pumpkin, or gorge the most acid apples, or chew the commonest +pears; but they form a slight minority, which will gradually +altogether disappear. The votaries of Pine-apple pretend to observe the +characteristic effect which such food produces upon the feeders. They +denounce them as stupid, sour, and vulgar. + +But while, notwithstanding an universal toleration, such an unanimity +of taste apparently prevails throughout the island, as if Fruit were +a subject of such peculiar nicety that difference of opinion must +necessarily rise among men, great Fruit factions even now prevail in +Vraibleusia; and, what is more extraordinary, prevail even among the +admirers of pine-apples themselves. Of these, the most important is a +sect which professes to discover a natural deficiency not only in all +other fruits, but even in the finest pine-apples. Fruit, they maintain, +should never be eaten in the state in which Nature yields it to man; +and they consequently are indefatigable in prevailing upon the less +discriminating part of mankind to heighten the flavour of their +pine-apples with ginger, or even with pepper. Although they profess to +adopt these stimulants from the great admiration which they entertain +for a high flavour, there are, nevertheless, some less ardent people +who suspect that they rather have recourse to them from the weakness of +their digestion. + + + +CHAPTER 15 + + +As his Excellency Prince Popanilla really could not think of being +annoyed by the attentions of the mob during his visit to Blunderland, +he travelled quite in a quiet way, under the name of the Chevalier de +Fantaisie, and was accompanied only by Skindeep and two attendants. As +Blunderland was one of the islands of the Vraibleusian Archipelago, they +arrived there after the sail of a few hours. + +The country was so beautiful that the Chevalier was almost reminded of +Fantaisie. Green meadows and flourishing trees made him remember the +railroads and canals of Vraibleusia without regret, or with disgust, +which is much the same. The women were angelic, which is the +highest praise; and the men the most light-hearted, merry, obliging, +entertaining fellows that he had met with in the whole course of his +life. Oh! it was delicious. + +After an hour's dashing drive, he arrived at a city which, had he not +seen Hubbabub, he should have imagined was one of the most considerable +in the world; but compared with the Vraibleusian capital it was a +street. + +Shortly after his arrival, according to the custom of the place, +Popanilla joined the public table of his hotel at dinner. He was +rather surprised that, instead of knives and forks being laid for +the convenience of the guests, the plates were flanked by daggers and +pistols. As Popanilla now made a point of never asking a question of +Skindeep, he addressed himself for information to his other neighbour, +one of the civilest, most hospitable, and joyous rogues that ever set a +table in a roar. On Popanilla inquiring the reason of their using these +singular instruments, his neighbour, with an air of great astonishment, +confessed his ignorance of any people ever using any other; and in +his turn asked how they could possibly eat their dinner without. The +Chevalier was puzzled, but he was now too well bred ever to pursue an +inquiry. + +Popanilla, being thirsty, helped himself to a goblet of water, which was +at hand. It was the most delightful water that he ever tasted. In a few +minutes he found that he was a little dizzy, and, supposing this megrim +to be occasioned by the heat of the room, he took another draught of +water to recover himself. + +As his neighbour was telling him an excellent joke a man entered the +room and shot the joker through the head. The opposite guest immediately +charged his pistol with effect, and revenged the loss. A party of men, +well armed, now rushed in, and a brisk conflict immediately ensued. +Popanilla, who was very dizzy, was fortunately pushed under the table. +When the firing and slashing had ceased, he ventured to crawl out. He +found that the assailants had been beaten off, though unfortunately with +the total loss of all the guests, who lay lifeless about the room. Even +the prudent Skindeep, who had sought refuge in a closet, had lost his +nose, which was a pity; because, although this gentleman had never been +in Blunderland before, he had passed his whole life in maintaining +that the accounts of the disturbances in that country were greatly +exaggerated. Popanilla rang the bell, and the waiters, who were +remarkably attentive, swept away the dead bodies, and brought him a +roasted potato for supper. + +The Chevalier soon retired to rest. He found at the side of his bed a +blunderbuss, a cutlass, and a pike; and he was directed to secure the +door of his chamber with a great chain and a massy iron bar. Feeling +great confidence in his securities, although he was quite ignorant of +the cause of alarm, and very much exhausted with the bustle of the day, +he enjoyed sounder sleep than had refreshed him for many weeks. He was +awakened in the middle of the night by a loud knocking at his door. He +immediately seized his blunderbuss, but, recognising the voice of his +own valet, he only took his pike. His valet told him to unbar without +loss of time, for the house had been set on fire. Popanilla immediately +made his escape, but found himself surrounded by the incendiaries. He +gave himself up for lost, when a sudden charge of cavalry brought him +off in triumph. He was convinced of the utility of light-horse. + +The military had arrived with such despatch that the fire was the least +effective that had wakened the house for the whole week. It was soon +extinguished, and Popanilla again retired to his bedroom, not forgetting +his bar and his chain. + +In the morning Popanilla was roused by his landlord, who told him that a +large party was about to partake of the pleasures of the chase, and +most politely inquired whether he would like to join them. Popanilla +assented, and after having eaten an excellent breakfast, and received a +favourable bulletin of Skindeep's wound, he mounted his horse. The party +was numerous and well armed. Popanilla inquired of a huntsman what sport +they generally followed in Blunderland. According to the custom of this +country, where they never give a direct answer, the huntsman said +that he did not know that there was any other sport but one. Popanilla +thought him a brute, and dug his spurs into his horse. + +They went off at a fine rate, and the exercise was most exhilarating. +In a short time, as they were cantering along a defile, they received a +sharp fire from each side, which rather reduced their numbers; but they +revenged themselves for this loss when they regained the plain, where +they burnt two villages, slew two or three hundred head of women, and +bagged children without number. On their return home to dinner they +chased a small body of men over a heath for nearly two hours, which +afforded good sport; but they did not succeed in running them down, as +they themselves were in turn chased by another party. Altogether, the +day was not deficient in interest, and Popanilla found in the evening +his powers of digestion improved. + +After passing his days in this manner for about a fortnight, Popanilla +perfectly recovered from his dyspepsia; and Skindeep's wound having +now healed, he retired with regret from this healthy climate. He took +advantage of the leisure moment which was afforded during the sail to +inquire the reason of the disturbed state of this interesting +country. He was told that it was in consequence of the majority of the +inhabitants persisting in importing their own pine-apples. + + + +CHAPTER 16 + + +On his return to Hubbabub, the Chevalier de Fantaisie found the city in +the greatest confusion. The military were marshalled in all directions; +the streets were lined with field-pieces; no one was abroad; all the +shops were shut. Although not a single vehicle was visible, Popanilla's +progress was slow, from the quantity of shells of all kinds which choked +up the public way. When he arrived at his hotel he found that all the +windows were broken. He entered, and his landlord immediately presented +him with his bill. As the landlord was pressing, and as Popanilla wished +for an opportunity of showing his confidence in Skindeep's friendship, +he requested him to pay the amount. Skindeep sent a messenger +immediately to his banker, deeming an ambassador almost as good security +as a nation, which we all know to be the very best. + +This little arrangement being concluded, the landlord resumed his usual +civility. He informed the travellers that the whole island was in +a state of the greatest commotion, and that martial law universally +prevailed. He said that this disturbance was occasioned by the return of +the expedition destined to the Isle of Fantaisie. It appeared, from his +account, that after sailing about from New Guinea to New Holland, +the expedition had been utterly unable not only to reach their new +customers, but even to obtain the slightest intelligence of their +locality. No such place as Fantaisie was known at Ceylon. Sumatra +gave information equally unsatisfactory. Java shook its head. Celebes +conceived the inquirers were jesting. The Philippine Isles offered to +accommodate them with spices, but could assist them in no other way. Had +it not been too hot at Borneo, they would have fairly laughed outright. +The Maldives and the Moluccas, the Luccadives and the Andamans, +were nearly as impertinent. The five hundred ships and the +judiciously-assorted cargo were therefore under the necessity of +returning home. + +No sooner, however, had they reached Vraibleusia than the markets were +immediately glutted with the unsold goods. All the manufacturers, who +had been working day and night in preparing for the next expedition, +were instantly thrown out of employ. A run commenced on the Government +Bank. That institution perceived too late that the issues of pink shells +had been too unrestricted. As the Emperor of the East had all the gold, +the Government Bank only protected itself from failure by bayoneting its +creditors. The manufacturers, who were starving, consoled themselves for +the absence of food by breaking all the windows in the country with +the discarded shells. Every tradesman failed. The shipping interest +advertised two or three fleets for firewood. Riots were universal. The +Aboriginal was attacked on all sides, and made so stout a resistance, +and broke so many cudgels on the backs of his assailants, that it was +supposed he would be finally exhausted by his own exertions. The public +funds sunk ten per cent. daily. All the Millionaires crashed. In a word, +dismay, disorganisation, despair, pervaded in all directions the wisest, +the greatest, and the richest nation in the world. The master of the +hotel added, with an air of becoming embarrassment, that, had not his +Excellency been fortunately absent, he probably would not have had the +pleasure of detailing to him this little narrative; that he had often +been inquired for by the populace at his old balcony; and that a crowd +had perpetually surrounded the house till within the last day, when +a report had got about that his Excellency had turned into steam and +disappeared. He added that caricatures of his Highness might be procured +in any shop, and his account of his voyage obtained at less than +half-price. + +'Ah!' said Popanilla, in a tone of great anguish, 'and all this from +losing a lock of hair!' + +At this moment the messenger whom Skindeep had despatched returned, and +informed him with great regret that his banker, to whom he had entrusted +his whole fortune, had been so unlucky as to stop payment during +his absence. It was expected, however, that when his stud was sold +a respectable dividend might be realised. This was the personage of +prepossessing appearance who had presented Popanilla with a perpetual +ticket to his picture gallery. On examining the banker's accounts, it +was discovered that his chief loss had been incurred by supporting that +competition establishment where purses were bought full of crowns. + +In spite of his own misfortunes, Popanilla hastened to console his +friend. He explained to him that things were not quite so bad as they +appeared; that society consisted of two classes, those who laboured, +and those who paid the labourers; that each class was equally useful, +because, if there were none to pay, the labourers would not be +remunerated, and if there were none to labour, the payers would not be +accommodated; that Skindeep might still rank in one of these classes; +that he might therefore still be a useful member of society; that, if +he were useful, he must therefore be good; and that, if he were good, +he must therefore be happy; because happiness is the consequence of +assisting the beneficial development of the ameliorating principles of +the social action. + +As he was speaking, two gentlemen in blue, with red waistcoats, entered +the chamber and seized Popanilla by the collar. The Vraibleusian +Government, which is so famous for its interpretation of National Law, +had arrested the Ambassador for high treason. + + + +CHAPTER 17 + + +A prison conveyed the most lugubrious ideas to the mind of the unhappy +Plenipotentiary; and shut up in a hackney-coach, with a man on each side +of him with a most gloomy conceptions of overwhelming fetters, black +bread, and green water. He arrived at the principal gaol in Hubbabub. +He was ushered into an elegantly furnished apartment, with French sash +windows and a piano. Its lofty walls were entirely hung with a fanciful +paper, which represented a Tuscan vineyard; the ceiling was covered with +sky and clouds; roses were in abundance; and the windows, though well +secured, excited no jarring associations in the mind of the individual +they illumined, protected, as they were, by polished bars of cut steel. +This retreat had been fitted up by a poetical politician, who had +recently been confined for declaring that the Statue was an old idol +originally imported from the Sandwich Isles. Taking up a brilliantly +bound volume which reposed upon a rosewood table, Popanilla recited +aloud a sonnet to Liberty; but the account given of the goddess by +the bard was so confused, and he seemed so little acquainted with his +subject, that the reader began to suspect it was an effusion of the +gaoler. + +Next to being a Plenipotentiary, Popanilla preferred being a prisoner. +His daily meals consisted of every delicacy in season: a marble bath was +ever at his service; a billiard-room and dumb-bells always ready; and +his old friends, the most eminent physician and the most celebrated +practitioner in Hubbabub, called upon him daily to feel his pulse and +look at his tongue. These attentions authorised a hope that he might yet +again be an Ambassador, that his native land might still be discovered, +and its resources still be developed: but when his gaoler told him that +the rest of the prisoners were treated in a manner equally indulgent, +because the Vraibleusians are the most humane people in the world, +Popanilla's spirits became somewhat depressed. + +He was greatly consoled, however, by a daily visit from a body of the +most beautiful, the most accomplished, and the most virtuous females +in Hubbabub, who tasted his food to see that his cook did his duty, +recommended him a plentiful use of pine-apple well peppered, and made +him a present of a very handsome shirt, with worked frills and ruffles, +to be hanged in. This enchanting committee generally confined their +attentions to murderers and other victims of the passions, who were +deserted in their hour of need by the rest of the society they +had outraged; but Popanilla, being a foreigner, a Prince, and a +Plenipotentiary, and not ill-looking, naturally attracted a great deal +of notice from those who desire the amelioration of their species. + +Popanilla was so pleased with his mode of life, and had acquired such +a taste for poetry, pin-apples, and pepper since he had ceased to be an +active member of society, that he applied to have his trial postponed, +on the ground of the prejudice which had been excited against him by +the public press. As his trial was at present inconvenient to the +Government, the postponement was allowed on these grounds. + +In the meantime, the public agitation was subsiding. The nation +reconciled itself to the revolution in its fortunes. The ci-devant +millionaires were busied with retrenchment; the Government engaged in +sweeping in as many pink shells as were lying about the country; +the mechanics contrived to live upon chalk and sea-weed; and as the +Aboriginal would not give his corn away gratis, the Vraibleusians +determined to give up bread. The intellectual part of the nation were +intently interested in discovering the cause of the National Distress. +One of the philosophers said that it might all be traced to the effects +of a war in which the Vraibleusians had engaged about a century +before. Another showed that it was altogether clearly ascribable to the +pernicious custom of issuing pink shells; but if, instead of this mode +of representing wealth, they had had recourse to blue shells, the nation +would now have advanced to a state of prosperity which it had never yet +reached. A third demonstrated to the satisfaction of himself and his +immediate circle that it was all owing to the Statue having recently +been repaired with silver instead of iron. The public were unable to +decide between these conflicting opinions; but they were still more +desirous of finding out a remedy for the evil than the cause of it. + +An eloquent and philosophical writer, who entertains consolatory +opinions of human nature, has recently told us that 'it is in the nature +of things that the intellectual wants of society should be supplied. +Whenever the man is required invariably the man will appear.' So it +happened in the present instance. A public instructor jumped up in +the person of Mr. Flummery Flam, the least insinuating and the least +plausible personage that ever performed the easy task of gulling a +nation. His manners were vulgar, his voice was sharp, and his language +almost unintelligible. Flummery Flam was a provisional optimist. He +maintained that everything would be for the best, if the nation would +only follow his advice. He told the Vraibleusians that the present +universal and overwhelming distress was all and entirely and merely to +be ascribed to 'a slight over-trading,' and that all that was required +to set everything right again was 'a little time.' He showed that +this over-trading and every other injudicious act that had ever been +committed were entirely to be ascribed to the nation being imbued with +erroneous and imperfect ideas of the nature of Demand and Supply. He +proved to them that if a tradesman cannot find customers his goods will +generally stay upon his own hands. He explained to the Aboriginal +the meaning of rent; to the mechanics the nature of wages; to the +manufacturers the signification of profits. He recommended that a large +edition of his own work should be printed at the public expense and +sold for his private profit. Finally, he explained how immediate, though +temporary, relief would be afforded to the State by the encouragement of +EMIGRATION. + +The Vraibleusians began to recover their spirits. The Government had +the highest confidence in Flummery Flam, because Flummery Flam served to +divert the public thoughts. By his direction lectures were instituted at +the corner of every street, to instil the right principles of politics +into the mind of the great body of the people. Every person, from the +Managers of the Statue down to the chalk-chewing mechanics, attended +lectures on Flummery-Flammism. The Vraibleusians suddenly discovered +that it was the great object of a nation not to be the most powerful, +or the richest, or the best, or the wisest, but to be the most +Flummery-Flammistical. + + + +CHAPTER 18 + + +The day fixed for Popanilla's trial was at hand. The Prince was not +unprepared for the meeting. For some weeks before the appointed day +he had been deeply studying the published speeches of the greatest +rhetorician that flourished at the Vraibleusian bar. He was so inflated +with their style that he nearly blew down the gaoler every morning when +he rehearsed a passage before him. Indeed, Popanilla looked forward to +his trial with feelings of anticipated triumph. He determined boldly +and fearlessly to state the principles upon which his public conduct +had been founded, the sentiments he professed on most of the important +subjects which interest mankind, and the views he entertained of +the progress of society. He would then describe, in the most glowing +language, the domestic happiness which he enjoyed in his native isle. +He would paint, in harrowing sentences, the eternal misery and disgrace +which his ignominious execution would entail upon the grey-headed +father, who looked up to him as a prop for his old age; the affectionate +mother, who perceived in him her husband again a youth; the devoted +wife, who could never survive his loss; and the sixteen children, +chiefly girls, whom his death would infallibly send upon the parish. +This, with an eulogistic peroration on the moral qualities of the +Vraibleusians and the political importance of Vraibleusia, would, he had +no doubt, not only save his neck, but even gain him a moderate pension. + +The day arrived, the Court was crowded, and Popanilla had the +satisfaction of observing in the newspapers that tickets for the best +gallery to witness his execution were selling at a premium. + +The indictment was read. He listened to it with intense attention. +To his surprise, he found himself accused of stealing two hundred and +nineteen Camelopards. All was now explained. He perceived that he had +been mistaken the whole of this time for another person. He could not +contain himself. He burst into an exclamation. He told the judge, in a +voice of mingled delight, humility, and triumph, that it was possible +he might be guilty of high treason, because he was ignorant of what +the crime consisted; but as for stealing two hundred and nineteen +Camelopards, he declared that such a larceny was a moral impossibility, +because he had never seen one such animal in the whole course of his +life. + +The judge was kind and considerate. He told the prisoner that the charge +of stealing Camelopards was a fiction of law; that he had no doubt +he had never seen one in the whole course of his life, nor in all +probability had any one in the whole Court. He explained to Popanilla, +that originally this animal greatly abounded in Vraibleusia; that the +present Court, the highest and most ancient in the kingdom, had then +been instituted for the punishment of all those who molested or injured +that splendid animal. The species, his lordship continued, had been long +extinct; but the Vraibleusians, duly reverencing the institutions of +their ancestors, had never presumed to abrogate the authority of the +Camelopard Court, or invest any other with equal privileges. Therefore, +his lordship added, in order to try you in this Court for a modern +offence of high treason, you must first be introduced by fiction of law +as a stealer of Camelopards, and then being in praesenti regio, in +a manner, we proceed to business by a special power for the absolute +offence. Popanilla was so confounded by the kindness of the judge and +the clearness of his lordship's statement that he quite lost the thread +of his peroration. + +The trial proceeded. Everybody with whom Popanilla had conversed during +his visit to Vraibleusia was subpoenaed against him, and the evidence +was conclusive. Skindeep, who was brought up by a warrant from the +King's Bench, proved the fact of Popanilla's landing; and that he +had given himself out as a political exile, the victim of a tyrant, a +corrupt aristocracy, and a misguided people. But, either from a secret +feeling towards his former friend or from his aversion to answer +questions, this evidence was on the whole not very satisfactory. + +The bookseller proved the publication of that fatal volume whose +deceptive and glowing statements were alone sufficient to ensure +Popanilla's fate. It was in vain that the author avowed that he had +never written a line of his own book. This only made his imposture +more evident. The little philosopher with whom he had conversed at +Lady Spirituelle's, and who, being a friend of Flummery Flam, had +now obtained a place under Government, invented the most condemning +evidence. The Marquess of Moustache sent in a state paper, desiring to +be excused from giving evidence, on account of the delicate situation +in which he had been placed with regard to the prisoner; but he referred +them to his former Private Secretary, who, he had no doubt, would afford +every information. Accordingly, the President of Fort Jobation, who had +been brought over specially, finished the business. + +The Judge, although his family had suffered considerably by the late +madness for speculation, summed up in the most impartial manner. He told +the jury that, although the case was quite clear against the prisoner, +they were bound to give him the advantage of every reasonable doubt. The +foreman was about to deliver the verdict, when a trumpet sounded, and a +Government messenger ran breathless into Court. Presenting a scroll to +the presiding genius, he informed him that a remarkably able young man, +recently appointed one of the Managers of the Statue, in consequence +of the inconvenience which the public sustained from the innumerable +quantity of edicts of the Statue at present in force, had last night +consolidated them all into this single act, which, to render its +operation still more simple, was gifted with a retrospective power for +the last half century. + +His lordship, looking over the scroll, passed a high eulogium upon the +young consolidator, compared to whom, he said, Justinian was a country +attorney. Observing, however, that the crime of high treason had been +accidentally omitted in the consolidated legislation of Vraibleusia, he +directed the jury to find the prisoner 'not guilty.' As in Vraibleusia +the law believes every man's character to be perfectly pure until a jury +of twelve persons finds the reverse, Popanilla was kicked out of court, +amid the hootings of the mob, without a stain upon his reputation. + +It was late in the evening when he left the court. Exhausted both +in mind and body, the mischief being now done, and being totally +unemployed, according to custom, he began to moralise. 'I begin to +perceive,' said he, 'that it is possible for a nation to exist in too +artificial a state; that a people may both think too much and do too +much. All here exists in a state of exaggeration. The nation itself +professes to be in a situation in which it is impossible for any nation +ever to be naturally placed. To maintain themselves in this false +position, they necessarily have recourse to much destructive conduct +and to many fictitious principles. And as the character of a people is +modelled on that of their Government, in private life this system of +exaggeration equally prevails, and equally produces a due quantity of +ruinous actions and false sentiment! In the meantime, I am starving, and +dare not show my face in the light of day!' + +As he said this the house opposite was suddenly lit up, and the words +'EMIGRATION COMMITTEE' were distinctly visible on a transparent blind. +A sudden resolution entered Popanilla's mind to make an application to +this body. He entered the Committee-room, and took his place at the end +of a row of individuals, who were severally examined. When it was his +turn to come forward he began to tell his story from the beginning, +and would certainly have got to the lock of hair had not the +President enjoined silence. Popanilla was informed that the last +Emigration-squadron was about to sail in a few minutes; and that, +although the number was completed, his broad shoulders and powerful +frame had gained him a place. He was presented with a spade, a blanket, +and a hard biscuit, and in a quarter of an hour was quitting the port of +Hubbabub. + +Once more upon the waters, yet once more! + +As the Emigration-squadron quitted the harbour two large fleets hove in +sight. The first was the expedition which had been despatched against +the decapitating King of the North, and which now returned heavily laden +with his rescued subjects. The other was the force which had flown to +the preservation of the body of the decapitated King of the South, and +which now brought back his Majesty embalmed, some Princes of the blood, +and an emigrant Aristocracy. + +What became of the late Fantaisian Ambassador; whether he were destined +for Van Diemen's Land or for Canada; what rare adventures he experienced +in Sydney, or Port Jackson, or Guelph City, or Goodrich Town; and +whether he discovered that man might exist in too natural a state, as +well as in too artificial a one, will probably be discovered, if ever we +obtain Captain Popanilla's Second Voyage. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Voyage of Captain Popanilla, by +Benjamin Disraeli + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE VOYAGE OF CAPTAIN POPANILLA *** + +***** This file should be named 7816.txt or 7816.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/8/1/7816/ + +Produced by K. 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