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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Attache; or, Sam Slick in England
+by Thomas Chandler Haliburton
+#5 in our series by Thomas Chandler Haliburton
+
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+Title: The Attache; or, Sam Slick in England
+
+Author: Thomas Chandler Haliburton
+
+Release Date: April, 2005 [EBook #7823]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on May 19, 2003]
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+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
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+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ATTACHE ***
+
+
+
+
+This etext was produced by Gardner Buchanan.
+
+
+
+
+
+THE ATTACHE; OR,
+SAM SLICK IN ENGLAND.
+
+BY THOMAS CHANDLER HALIBURTON.
+
+
+
+
+(Greek Text)--GREEK PROVERB.
+
+Tell you what, report my speeches if you like, but if
+you put my talk in, I'll give you the mitten, as sure as
+you are born.--SLICKVILLE TRANSLATION
+
+
+
+
+London, July 3rd, 1843.
+
+MY DEAR HOPKINSON,
+
+I have spent so many agreeable hours at Edgeworth
+heretofore, that my first visit on leaving London, will
+be to your hospitable mansion. In the meantime, I beg
+leave to introduce to you my "Attache," who will precede
+me several days. His politics are similar to your own;
+I wish I could say as much in favour of his humour. His
+eccentricities will stand in need of your indulgence;
+but if you can overlook these, I am not without hopes
+that his originality, quaint sayings, and queer views of
+things in England, will afford you some amusement. At
+all events, I feel assured you will receive him kindly;
+if not for his own merits, at least for the sake of
+
+Yours always,
+
+THE AUTHOR.
+
+To EDMUND HOPKINSON ESQ.
+Edgeworth,
+Gloucestershire.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS OF THE FIRST VOLUME.
+
+CHAPTER I.    UNCORKING A BOTTLE
+CHAPTER II.   A JUICY DAY IN THE COUNTRY
+CHAPTER III.  TYING A NIGHT-CAP
+CHAPTER IV.   HOME AND THE SEA
+CHAPTER V.    T'OTHER EEND OF THE GUN
+CHAPTER VI.   SMALL POTATOES AND FEW IN A HILL
+CHAPTER VII.  A GENTLEMAN AT LARGE
+CHAPTER VIII. SEEING LIVERPOOL
+CHAPTER IX.   CHANGING A NAME
+CHAPTER X.    THE NELSON MONUMENT
+CHAPTER XI.   COTTAGES
+CHAPTER XII.  STEALING THE HEARTS OF THE PEOPLE
+CHAPTER XIII. NATUR'
+CHAPTER XIV.  THE SOCDOLAGER
+CHAPTER XV.   DINING OUT
+
+
+CONTENTS OF THE SECOND VOLUME.
+
+CHAPTER I.    THE NOSE OF A SPY
+CHAPTER II.   THE PATRON; OR, THE COW'S TAIL
+CHAPTER III.  ASCOT RACES
+CHAPTER IV.   THE GANDER PULLING
+CHAPTER V.    THE BLACK STOLE
+CHAPTER VI.   THE PRINCE DE JOINVILLE'S HORSE
+CHAPTER VII.  LIFE IN THE COUNTRY
+CHAPTER VIII. BUNKUM
+CHAPTER IX.   THROWING THE LAVENDER
+CHAPTER X.    AIMING HIGH
+CHAPTER XI.   A SWOI-REE
+CHAPTER XII.  TATTERSALL'S
+CHAPTER XIII. LOOKING BACK
+CHAPTER XIV.  CROSSING THE BORDER
+CHAPTER XV.   THE IRISH PREFACE
+
+
+
+
+THE ATTACHE; OR SAM SLICK IN ENGLAND.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+UNCORKING A BOTTLE.
+
+We left New York in the afternoon of -- day of May, 184-,
+and embarked on board of the good Packet ship "Tyler"
+for England. Our party consisted of the Reverend Mr.
+Hopewell, Samuel Slick, Esq., myself, and Jube Japan, a
+black servant of the Attache.
+
+I love brevity--I am a man of few words, and, therefore,
+constitutionally economical of them; but brevity is apt
+to degenerate into obscurity. Writing a book, however,
+and book-making, are two very different things: "spinning
+a yarn" is mechanical, and book-making savours of trade,
+and is the employment of a manufacturer. The author by
+profession, weaves his web by the piece, and as there is
+much competition in this branch of trade, extends it over
+the greatest possible surface, so as to make the most of
+his raw material. Hence every work of fancy is made to
+reach to three volumes, otherwise it will not pay, and
+a manufacture that does not requite the cost of production,
+invariably and inevitably terminates in bankruptcy. A
+thought, therefore, like a pound of cotton, must be well
+spun out to be valuable. It is very contemptuous to say
+of a man, that he has but one idea, but it is the highest
+meed of praise that can be bestowed on a book. A man,
+who writes thus, can write for ever.
+
+Now, it is not only not my intention to write for ever,
+or as Mr. Slick would say "for everlastinly;" but to make
+my bow and retire very soon from the press altogether.
+I might assign many reasons for this modest course, all
+of them plausible, and some of them indeed quite dignified.
+I like dignity: any man who has lived the greater part
+of his life in a colony is so accustomed to it, that he
+becomes quite enamoured of it, and wrapping himself up
+in it as a cloak, stalks abroad the "observed of all
+observers." I could undervalue this species of writing
+if I thought proper, affect a contempt for idiomatic
+humour, or hint at the employment being inconsistent with
+the grave discharge of important official duties, which
+are so distressingly onerous, as not to leave me a moment
+for recreation; but these airs, though dignified, will
+unfortunately not avail me. I shall put my dignity into
+my pocket, therefore, and disclose the real cause of this
+diffidence.
+
+In the year one thousand eight hundred and fourteen, I
+embarked at Halifax on board the Buffalo store-ship for
+England. She was a noble teak built ship of twelve or
+thirteen hundred tons burden, had excellent accommodation,
+and carried over to merry old England, a very merry party
+of passengers, _quorum parva pars fui_, a youngster just
+emerged from college.
+
+On the banks of Newfoundland we were becalmed, and the
+passengers amused themselves by throwing overboard a
+bottle, and shooting at it with ball. The guns used for
+this occasion, were the King's muskets, taken from the
+arm-chest on the quarter-deck. The shooting was execrable.
+It was hard to say which were worse marksmen, the officers
+of the ship, or the passengers. Not a bottle was hit:
+many reasons were offered for this failure, but the two
+principal ones were, that the muskets were bad, and that
+it required great skill to overcome the difficulty
+occasioned by both, the vessel and the bottle being in
+motion at the same time, and that motion dissimilar.
+
+I lost my patience. I had never practised shooting with
+ball; I had frightened a few snipe, and wounded a few
+partridges, but that was the extent of my experience. I
+knew, however, that I could not by any possibility shoot
+worse than every body else had done, and might by accident
+shoot better.
+
+"Give me a gun, Captain," said I, "and I will shew you
+how to uncork that bottle."
+
+I took the musket, but its weight was beyond my strength
+of arm. I was afraid that I could not hold it out steadily,
+even for a moment, it was so very heavy--I threw it up
+with a desperate effort and fired. The neck of the bottle
+flew up in the air a full yard, and then disappeared. I
+was amazed myself at my success. Every body was surprised,
+but as every body attributed it to long practice, they
+were not so much astonished as I was, who knew it was
+wholly owing to chance. It was a lucky hit, and I made
+the most of it; success made me arrogant, and boy-like,
+I became a boaster.
+
+"Ah," said I coolly, "you must be born with a rifle in
+your hand, Captain, to shoot well. Every body shoots well
+in America. I do not call myself a good shot. I have not
+had the requisite experience; but there are those who
+can take out the eye of a squirrel at a hundred yards."
+
+"Can you see the eye of a squirrel at that distance?"
+said the Captain, with a knowing wink of his own little
+ferret eye.
+
+That question, which raised a general laugh at my expense,
+was a puzzler. The absurdity of the story, which I had
+heard a thousand times, never struck me so forcibly. But
+I was not to be pat down so easily.
+
+"See it!" said I, "why not? Try it and you will find your
+sight improve with your shooting. Now, I can't boast of
+being a good marksman myself; my studies" (and here I
+looked big, for I doubted if he could even read, much
+less construe a chapter in the Greek Testament) "did not
+leave me much time. A squirrel is too small an object
+for all but an experienced man, but a "_large_" mark like
+a quart bottle can easily be hit at a hundred yards--that
+is nothing."
+
+"I will take you a bet," said he, "of a doubloon, you do
+not do it again?"
+
+"Thank you," I replied with great indifference: "I never
+bet, and besides, that gun has so injured my shoulder,
+that I could not, if I would."
+
+By that accidental shot, I obtained a great name as a
+marksman, and by prudence I retained it all the voyage.
+This is precisely my case now, gentle reader. I made an
+accidental hit with the Clockmaker: when he ceases to
+speak, I shall cease to write. The little reputation I
+then acquired, I do not intend to jeopardize by trying
+too many experiments. I know that it was chance--many
+people think it was skill. If they choose to think so,
+they have a right to their opinion, and that opinion is
+fame. I value this reputation too highly not to take
+care of it.
+
+As I do not intend then to write often, I shall not
+wire-draw my subjects, for the mere purpose of filling
+my pages. Still a book should be perfect within itself,
+and intelligible without reference to other books. Authors
+are vain people, and vanity as well as dignity is indigenous
+to a colony. Like a pastry-cook's apprentice, I see so
+much of both their sweet things around me daily, that I
+have no appetite for either of them.
+
+I might perhaps be pardoned, if I took it for granted,
+that the dramatis personae of this work were sufficiently
+known, not to require a particular introduction. Dickens
+assumed the fact that his book on America would travel
+wherever the English language was spoken, and, therefore,
+called it "Notes for General Circulation." Even Colonists
+say, that this was too bad, and if they say so, it must
+be so. I shall, therefore, briefly state, who and what
+the persons are that composed our travelling party, as
+if they were wholly unknown to fame, and then leave them
+to speak for themselves.
+
+The Reverend Mr. Hopewell is a very aged clergyman of
+the Church of England, and was educated at Cambridge
+College, in Massachusetts. Previously to the revolution,
+he was appointed rector of a small parish in Connecticut.
+When the colonies obtained their independence, he remained
+with his little flock in his native land, and continued
+to minister to their spiritual wants until within a few
+years, when his parishioners becoming Unitarians, gave
+him his dismissal. Affable in his manners and simple in
+his habits, with a mind well stored with human lore, and
+a heart full of kindness for his fellow-creatures, he
+was at once an agreeable and an instructive companion.
+Born and educated in the United States, when they were
+British dependencies, and possessed of a thorough knowledge
+of the causes which led to the rebellion, and the means
+used to hasten the crisis, he was at home on all colonial
+topics; while his great experience of both monarchical
+and democratical governments, derived from a long residence
+in both, made him a most valuable authority on politics
+generally.
+
+Mr. Samuel Slick is a native of the same parish, and
+received his education from Mr. Hopewell. I first became
+acquainted with him while travelling in Nova Scotia. He
+was then a manufacturer and vendor of wooden clocks. My
+first impression of him was by no means favourable. He
+forced himself most unceremoniously into my company and
+conversation. I was disposed to shake him off, but could
+not. Talk he would, and as his talk was of that kind,
+which did not require much reply on my part, he took my
+silence for acquiescence, and talked on. I soon found
+that he was a character; and, as he knew every part of
+the lower colonies, and every body in them, I employed
+him as my guide.
+
+I have made at different times three several tours with
+him, the results of which I have given in three several
+series of a work, entitled the "Clockmaker, or the Sayings
+and Doings of Mr. Samuel Slick." Our last tour terminated
+at New York, where, in consequence of the celebrity he
+obtained from these "Sayings and Doings" he received the
+appointment of Attache to the American Legation at the
+Court of St. James's. The object of this work is to
+continue the record of his observations and proceedings
+in England.
+
+The third person of the party, gentle reader, is your
+humble servant, Thomas Poker, Esquire, a native of Nova
+Scotia, and a retired member of the Provincial bar. My
+name will seldom appear in these pages, as I am uniformly
+addressed by both my companions as "Squire," nor shall
+I have to perform the disagreeable task of "reporting my
+own speeches," for naturally taciturn, I delight in
+listening rather than talking, and modestly prefer the
+duties of an amanuensis, to the responsibilities of
+original composition.
+
+The last personage is Jube Japan, a black servant of the
+Attache.
+
+Such are the persons who composed the little party that
+embarked at New York, on board the Packet ship "Tyler,"
+and sailed on the -- of May, 184-, for England.
+
+The motto prefixed to this work
+
+   (Greek Text)
+
+sufficiently explains its character. Classes and not
+individuals have been selected for observation. National
+traits are fair subjects for satire or for praise, but
+personal peculiarities claim the privilege of exemption
+in right of that hospitality, through whose medium they
+have been alone exhibited. Public topics are public
+property; every body has a right to use them without
+leave and without apology. It is only when we quit the
+limits of this "common" and enter upon "private grounds,"
+that we are guilty of "a trespass." This distinction is
+alike obvious to good sense and right feeling. I have
+endeavoured to keep it constantly in view; and if at any
+time I shall be supposed to have erred (I say "supposed,"
+for I am unconscious of having done so) I must claim the
+indulgence always granted to involuntary offences.
+
+Now the patience of my reader may fairly be considered
+a "private right." I shall, therefore, respect its
+boundaries and proceed at once with my narrative, having
+been already quite long enough about "uncorking a bottle."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+A JUICY DAY IN THE COUNTRY.
+
+All our preparations for the voyage having been completed,
+we spent the last day at our disposal, in visiting
+Brooklyn. The weather was uncommonly fine, the sky being
+perfectly clear and unclouded; and though the sun shone
+out brilliantly, the heat was tempered by a cool, bracing,
+westwardly wind. Its influence was perceptible on the
+spirits of every body on board the ferry-boat that
+transported us across the harbour.
+
+"Squire," said Mr. Slick, aint this as pretty a day as
+you'll see atween this and Nova Scotia?--You can't beat
+American weather, when it chooses, in no part of the
+world I've ever been in yet. This day is a tip-topper,
+and it's the last we'll see of the kind till we get back
+agin, _I_ know. Take a fool's advice, for once, and stick
+to it, as long as there is any of it left, for you'll
+see the difference when you get to England. There never
+was so rainy a place in the univarse, as that, I don't
+think, unless it's Ireland, and the only difference atween
+them two is that it rains every day amost in England,
+and in Ireland it rains every day and every night too.
+It's awful, and you must keep out of a country-house in
+such weather, or you'll go for it; it will kill you,
+that's sartain. I shall never forget a juicy day I once
+spent in one of them dismal old places. I'll tell you
+how I came to be there.
+
+"The last time I was to England, I was a dinin' with our
+consul to Liverpool, and a very gentleman-like old man
+he was too; he was appointed by Washington, and had been
+there ever since our glorious revolution. Folks gave him
+a great name, they said he was a credit to us. Well, I
+met at his table one day an old country squire, that
+lived somewhere down in Shropshire, close on to Wales,
+and says he to me, arter cloth was off and cigars on,
+'Mr. Slick,' says he, 'I'll be very glad to see you to
+Norman Manor,' (that was the place where he staid, when
+he was to home). 'If you will return with me I shall be
+glad to shew you the country in my neighbourhood, which
+is said to be considerable pretty.'
+
+"'Well,' says I, 'as I have nothin' above particular to
+see to, I don't care if I do go.'
+
+"So off we started; and this I will say, he was as kind
+as he cleverly knew how to be, and that is sayin' a great
+deal for a man that didn't know nothin' out of sight of
+his own clearin' hardly.
+
+"Now, when we got there, the house was chock full of
+company, and considerin' it warn't an overly large one,
+and that Britishers won't stay in a house, unless every
+feller gets a separate bed, it's a wonder to me, how he
+stowed away as many as he did. Says he, 'Excuse your
+quarters, Mr. Slick, but I find more company nor I expected
+here. In a day or two, some on 'em will be off, and then
+you shall be better provided.'
+
+"With that I was showed up a great staircase, and out o'
+that by a door-way into a narrer entry and from that into
+an old T like looking building, that stuck out behind
+the house. It warn't the common company sleepin' room,
+I expect, but kinder make shifts, tho' they was good
+enough too for the matter o' that; at all events I don't
+want no better.
+
+"Well, I had hardly got well housed a'most, afore it came
+on to rain, as if it was in rael right down airnest. It
+warn't just a roarin', racin', sneezin' rain like a
+thunder shower, but it kept a steady travellin' gait, up
+hill and down dale, and no breathin' time nor batin'
+spell. It didn't look as if it would stop till it was
+done, that's a fact. But still as it was too late to go
+out agin that arternoon, I didn't think much about it
+then. I hadn't no notion what was in store for me next
+day, no more nor a child; if I had, I'd a double deal
+sooner hanged myself, than gone brousing in such place
+as that, in sticky weather.
+
+"A wet day is considerable tiresome, any where or any
+way you can fix it; but it's wus at an English country
+house than any where else, cause you are among strangers,
+formal, cold, gallus polite, and as thick in the head-piece
+as a puncheon. You hante nothin' to do yourself and they
+never have nothin' to do; they don't know nothin' about
+America, and don't want to. Your talk don't interest
+them, and they can't talk to interest nobody but themselves;
+all you've got to do, is to pull out your watch and see
+how time goes; how much of the day is left, and then go
+to the winder and see how the sky looks, and whether
+there is any chance of holdin' up or no. Well, that time
+I went to bed a little airlier than common, for I felt
+considerable sleepy, and considerable strange too; so as
+soon as I cleverly could, I off and turned in.
+
+"Well I am an airly riser myself. I always was from a
+boy, so I waked up jist about the time when day ought to
+break, and was a thinkin' to get up; but the shutters
+was too, and it was as dark as ink in the room, and I
+heer'd it rainin' away for dear life. 'So,' sais I to
+myself, 'what the dogs is the use of gittin' up so airly?
+I can't get out and get a smoke, and I can't do nothin'
+here; so here goes for a second nap.' Well I was soon
+off agin in a most a beautiful of a snore, when all at
+once I heard thump-thump agin the shutter--and the most
+horrid noise I ever heerd since I was raised; it was
+sunthin' quite onairthly.
+
+"'Hallo!' says I to myself, 'what in natur is all this
+hubbub about? Can this here confounded old house be
+harnted? Is them spirits that's jabbering gibberish there,
+or is I wide awake or no?' So I sets right up on my hind
+legs in bed, rubs my eyes, opens my ears and listens
+agin, when whop went every shutter agin, with a dead
+heavy sound, like somethin' or another thrown agin 'em,
+or fallin' agin 'em, and then comes the unknown tongues
+in discord chorus like. Sais I, 'I know now, it's them
+cussed navigators. They've besot the house, and are a
+givin' lip to frighten folks. It's regular banditti.'
+
+"So I jist hops out of bed, and feels for my trunk, and
+outs with my talkin' irons, that was all ready loaded,
+pokes my way to the winder--shoves the sash up and outs
+with the shutter, ready to let slip among 'em. And what
+do you think it was?--Hundreds and hundreds of them nasty,
+dirty, filthy, ugly, black devils of rooks, located in
+the trees at the back eend of the house. Old Nick couldn't
+have slept near 'em; caw caw, caw, all mixt up together
+in one jumble of a sound, like "jawe."
+
+"You black, evil-lookin', foul-mouthed villains,' sais
+I, 'I'd like no better sport than jist to sit here, all
+this blessed day with these pistols, and drop you one
+arter another, _I_ know.' But they was pets, was them
+rooks, and of course like all pets, everlastin' nuisances
+to every body else.
+
+"Well, when a man's in a feeze, there's no more sleep
+that hitch; so I dresses and sits up; but what was I to
+do? It was jist half past four, and as it was a rainin'
+like every thing, I know'd breakfast wouldn't be ready
+till eleven o'clock, for nobody wouldn't get up if they
+could help it--they wouldn't be such fools; so there was
+jail for six hours and a half.
+
+"Well, I walked up and down the room, as easy as I could,
+not to waken folks; but three steps and a round turn
+makes you kinder dizzy, so I sits down again to chaw the
+cud of vexation.
+
+"'Ain't this a handsum fix?' sais I, 'but it sarves you
+right, what busniss had you here at all? you always was
+a fool, and always will be to the eend of the chapter.
+--'What in natur are you a scoldin' for?' sais I: 'that
+won't mend the matter; how's time? They must soon be a
+stirrin' now, I guess.' Well, as I am a livin' sinner,
+it was only five o'clock; 'oh dear,' sais I, 'time is
+like women and pigs the more you want it to go, the more
+it won't. What on airth shall I do?--guess, I'll strap
+my rasor.'
+
+"Well, I strapped and strapped away, until it would cut
+a single hair pulled strait up on eend out o' your head,
+without bendin' it--take it off slick. 'Now,' sais I,
+'I'll mend my trowsers I tore, a goin' to see the ruin
+on the road yesterday; so I takes out Sister Sall's little
+needle-case, and sows away till I got them to look
+considerable jam agin; 'and then,' sais I, 'here's a
+gallus button off, I'll jist fix that,' and when that
+was done, there was a hole to my yarn sock, so I turned
+too and darned that.
+
+"'Now,' sais I, 'how goes it? I'm considerable sharp set.
+It must be gettin' tolerable late now.' It wanted a
+quarter to six. 'My! sakes,' sais I, 'five hours and a
+quarter yet afore feedin' time; well if that don't pass.
+What shall I do next?' 'I'll tell you what to do,' sais
+I, 'smoke, that will take the edge of your appetite off,
+and if they don't like it, they may lump it; what business
+have they to keep them horrid screetchin' infarnal,
+sleepless rooks to disturb people that way?' Well, I
+takes a lucifer, and lights a cigar, and I puts my head up
+the chimbly to let the smoke off, and it felt good, I
+promise _you_. I don't know as I ever enjoyed one half so
+much afore. It had a rael first chop flavour had that cigar.
+
+"'When that was done,' sais I, 'What do you say to
+another?' 'Well, I don't know,' sais I, 'I should like
+it, that's a fact; but holdin' of my head crooked up
+chimbly that way, has a' most broke my neck; I've got
+the cramp in it like.'
+
+"So I sot, and shook my head first a one side and then
+the other, and then turned it on its hinges as far as it
+would go, till it felt about right, and then I lights
+another, and puts my head in the flue again.
+
+"Well, smokin' makes, a feller feel kinder good-natured,
+and I began to think it warn't quite so bad arter all,
+when whop went my cigar right out of my mouth into my
+bosom, atween the shirt and the skin, and burnt me like
+a gally nipper. Both my eyes was fill'd at the same time,
+and I got a crack on the pate from some critter or another
+that clawed and scratched my head like any thing, and
+then seemed to empty a bushel of sut on me, and I looked
+like a chimbly sweep, and felt like old Scratch himself.
+My smoke had brought down a chimbly swaller, or a martin,
+or some such varmint, for it up and off agin' afore I
+could catch it, to wring its infarnal neck off, that's
+a fact.
+
+"Well, here was somethin' to do, and no mistake: here
+was to clean and groom up agin' till all was in its right
+shape; and a pretty job it was, I tell you. I thought
+I never should get the sut out of my hair, and then never
+get it out of my brush again, and my eyes smarted so,
+they did nothing but water, and wink, and make faces.
+But I did; I worked on and worked on, till all was sot
+right once more.
+
+"'Now,' sais I, 'how's time?' 'half past seven,' sais I,
+'and three hours and a half more yet to breakfast. Well,'
+sais I, 'I can't stand this--and what's more I won't: I
+begin to get my Ebenezer up, and feel wolfish. I'll ring
+up the handsum chamber-maid, and just fall to, and chaw
+her right up--I'm savagerous.'* 'That's cowardly,' sais
+I, 'call the footman, pick a quarrel with him and kick
+him down stairs, speak but one word to him, and let that
+be strong enough to skin the coon arter it has killed
+him, the noise will wake up folks _I_ know, and then we
+shall have sunthin' to eat.'
+
+[* Footnote: The word "savagerous" is not of "Yankee"
+but of "Western origin."--Its use in this place is best
+explained by the following extract from the Third Series
+of the Clockmaker. "In order that the sketch which I am
+now about to give may be fully understood, it may be
+necessary to request the reader to recollect that Mr.
+Slick is a _Yankee_, a designation the origin of which
+is now not very obvious, but it has been assumed by, and
+conceded by common consent to, the inhabitants of New
+England. It is a name, though sometimes satirically used,
+of which they have great reason to be proud, as it is
+descriptive of a most cultivated, intelligent, enterprising,
+frugal, and industrious population, who may well challenge
+a comparison with the inhabitants of any other country
+in the world; but it has only a local application.
+
+"The United States cover an immense extent of territory,
+and the inhabitants of different parts of the Union differ
+as widely in character, feelings, and even in appearance,
+as the people of different countries usually do. These
+sections differ also in dialect and in humour, as much
+as in other things, and to as great, if not a greater
+extent, than the natives of different parts of Great
+Britain vary from each other. It is customary in Europe
+to call all Americans, Yankees; but it is as much a
+misnomer as it would be to call all Europeans Frenchmen.
+Throughout these works it will be observed, that Mr.
+Slick's pronunciation is that of the Yankee, or an
+inhabitant of the _rural districts_ of New England. His
+conversation is generally purely so; but in some instances
+he uses, as his countrymen frequently do from choice,
+phrases which, though Americanisms, are not of Eastern
+origin. Wholly to exclude these would be to violate the
+usages of American life; to introduce them oftener would
+be to confound two dissimilar dialects, and to make an
+equal departure from the truth. Every section has its
+own characteristic dialect, a very small portion of which
+it has imparted to its neighbours. The dry, quaint humour
+of New England is occasionally found in the west, and
+the rich gasconade and exaggerative language of the west
+migrates not unfrequently to the east. This idiomatic
+exchange is perceptibly on the increase. It arises from
+the travelling propensities of the Americans, and the
+constant intercourse mutually maintained by the inhabitants
+of the different States. A droll or an original expression
+is thus imported and adopted, and, though not indigenous,
+soon becomes engrafted on the general stock of the language
+of the country."--3rd Series, p. 142.]
+
+"I was ready to bile right over, when as luck would have
+it, the rain stopt all of a sudden, the sun broke out o'
+prison, and I thought I never seed any thing look so
+green and so beautiful as the country did. 'Come,' sais
+I, 'now for a walk down the avenue, and a comfortable
+smoke, and if the man at the gate is up and stirrin', I
+will just pop in and breakfast with him and his wife.
+There is some natur there, but here it's all cussed rooks
+and chimbly swallers, and heavy men and fat women, and
+lazy helps, and Sunday every day in the week.' So I fills
+my cigar-case and outs into the passage.
+
+"But here was a fix! One of the doors opened into the
+great staircase, and which was it? 'Ay,' sais I, 'which
+is it, do you know?' 'Upon my soul, I don't know,' sais
+I; 'but try, it's no use to be caged up here like a
+painter, and out I will, that's a fact.'
+
+"So I stops and studies, 'that's it,' sais I, and I opens
+a door: it was a bedroom--it was the likely chambermaid's.
+
+"'Softly, Sir,' sais she, a puttin' of her finger on her
+lip, 'don't make no noise; Missus will hear you.'
+
+"'Yes,' sais I, 'I won't make no noise;' and I outs and
+shuts the door too arter me gently.
+
+"'What next?' sais I; 'why you fool, you,' sais I, 'why
+didn't you ax the sarvant maid, which door it was?' 'Why
+I was so conflastrigated,' sais I, 'I didn't think of
+it. Try that door,' well I opened another, it belonged
+to one o' the horrid hansum stranger galls that dined at
+table yesterday. When she seed me, she gave a scream,
+popt her head onder the clothes, like a terrapin, and
+vanished--well I vanished too.
+
+"'Ain't this too bad?' sais I; 'I wish I could open a
+man's door, I'd lick him out of spite; I hope I may be
+shot if I don't, and I doubled up my fist, for I didn't
+like it a spec, and opened another door--it was the
+housekeeper's. 'Come,' sais I, 'I won't be balked no
+more.' She sot up and fixed her cap. A woman never forgets
+the becomins.
+
+'"Anything I can do for you, Sir?' sais she, and she
+raelly did look pretty; all good natur'd people, it
+appears to me, do look so.
+
+"'Will you be so good as to tell me, which door leads to
+the staircase, Marm?' sais I.
+
+"'Oh, is that all?' sais she, (I suppose, she thort I
+wanted her to get up and get breakfast for me,) 'it's
+the first on the right, and she fixed her cap agin' and
+laid down, and I took the first on the right and off like
+a blowed out candle. There was the staircase. I walked
+down, took my hat, onbolted the outer door, and what a
+beautiful day was there. I lit my cigar, I breathed
+freely, and I strolled down the avenue.
+
+"The bushes glistened, and the grass glistened, and the
+air was sweet, and the birds sung, and there was natur'
+once more. I walked to the lodge; they had breakfasted
+had the old folks, so I chatted away with them for a
+considerable of a spell about matters and things in
+general, and then turned towards the house agin'. 'Hallo!'
+sais I, 'what's this? warn't that a drop of rain?' I
+looks up, it was another shower by Gosh. I pulls foot
+for dear life: it was tall walking you may depend, but
+the shower wins, (comprehens_ive_ as my legs be), and
+down it comes, as hard as all possest. 'Take it easy,
+Sam,' sais I, 'your flint is fixed; you are wet
+thro'--runnin' won't dry you,' and I settled down to a
+careless walk, quite desperate.
+
+"'Nothin' in natur', unless it is an Ingin, is so
+treacherous as the climate here. It jist clears up on
+purpose I do believe, to tempt you out without your
+umbreller, and jist as sure as you trust it and leave it
+to home, it clouds right up, and sarves you out for it--it
+does indeed. What a sight of new clothes I've spilte
+here, for the rain has a sort of dye in it. It stains
+so, it alters the colour of the cloth, for the smoke is
+filled with gas and all sorts of chemicals. Well, back
+I goes to my room agin' to the rooks, chimbly swallers,
+and all, leavin' a great endurin' streak of wet arter me
+all the way, like a cracked pitcher that leaks; onriggs,
+and puts on dry clothes from head to foot.
+
+"By this time breakfast is ready; but the English don't
+do nothin' like other folks; I don't know whether it's
+affectation, or bein' wrong in the head--a little of both
+I guess. Now where do you suppose the solid part of
+breakfast is, Squire? Why, it's on the side-board--I hope
+I may be shot if it ain't--well, the tea and coffee are
+on the table, to make it as onconvenient as possible.
+
+"Says I, to the lady of the house, as I got up to help
+myself, for I was hungry enough to make beef ache I know.
+'Aunty,' sais I, 'you'll excuse me, but why don't you
+put the eatables on the table, or else put the tea on
+the side-board? They're like man and wife, they don't
+ought to be separated, them two.'
+
+"She looked at me, oh what a look of pity it was", as
+much as to say, 'Where have you been all your born days,
+not to know better nor that?--but I guess you don't know
+better in the States--how could you know any thing there?'
+But she only said it was the custom here, for she was a
+very purlite old woman, was Aunty.
+
+"Well sense is sense, let it grow where it will, and I
+guess we raise about the best kind, which is common sense,
+and I warn't to be put down with short metre, arter that
+fashion. So I tried the old man; sais I, 'Uncle,' sais
+I, 'if you will divorce the eatables from the drinkables
+that way, why not let the servants come and tend. It's
+monstrous onconvenient and ridikilous to be a jumpin' up
+for everlastinly that way; you can't sit still one blessed
+minit.'
+
+"'We think it pleasant,' said he, 'sometimes to dispense
+with their attendance.'
+
+"'Exactly,' sais I, 'then dispense with sarvants at
+dinner, for when the wine is in, the wit is out.' (I said
+that to compliment him, for the critter had no wit in at
+no time,) 'and they hear all the talk. But at breakfast
+every one is only half awake, (especially when you rise
+so airly as you do in this country,' sais I, but the old
+critter couldn't see a joke, even if he felt it, and he
+didn't know I was a funnin'.) 'Folks are considerably
+sharp set at breakfast,' sais I, 'and not very talkat_ive_.
+That's the right time to have sarvants to tend on you.'
+
+"'What an idea!' said he, and he puckered up his pictur,
+and the way he stared was a caution to an owl.
+
+"Well, we sot and sot till I was tired, so thinks I,
+'what's next?' for it's rainin' agin as hard as ever.'
+So I took a turn in the study to sarch for a book, but
+there was nothin' there, but a Guide to the Sessions,
+Burn's Justice, and a book of London club rules, and two
+or three novels. He said he got books from the sarkilatin'
+library.
+
+"'Lunch is ready.'
+
+"'What, eatin' agin? My goody!' thinks I, 'if you are so
+fond of it, why the plague don't you begin airly? If
+you'd a had it at five o'clock this morning, I'd a done
+justice to it; now I couldn't touch it if I was to die.'
+
+"There it was, though. Help yourself, and no thanks, for
+there is no sarvants agin. The rule here is, no talk no
+sarvants--and when it's all talk, it's all sarvants.
+
+"Thinks I to myself, 'now, what shall I do till dinner-time,
+for it rains so there is no stirrin' out?--Waiter, where
+is eldest son?--he and I will have a game of billiards,
+I guess.'
+
+"'He is laying down, sir.'
+
+"'Shows his sense,' sais I, 'I see, he is not the fool
+I took him to be. If I could sleep in the day, I'de turn
+in too. Where is second son?'
+
+"'Left this mornin' in the close carriage, sir.'
+
+"'Oh cuss him, it was him then was it?'
+
+"'What, Sir?'
+
+"'That woke them confounded rooks up, out o' their fust
+nap, and kick't up such a bobbery. Where is the Parson?'
+
+"'Which one, Sir?'
+
+"'The one that's so fond of fishing.'
+
+"'Ain't up yet, Sir.'
+
+"'Well, the old boy, that wore breeches.'
+
+"Out on a sick visit to one of the cottages, Sir.'
+
+"When he comes in, send him to me, I'm shockin' sick.'
+
+"With that I goes to look arter the two pretty galls in
+the drawin' room; and there was the ladies a chatterin'
+away like any thing. The moment I came in it was as dumb
+as a quaker's meetin'. They all hauled up at once, like
+a stage-coach to an inn-door, from a hand-gallop to a
+stock still stand. I seed men warn't wanted there, it
+warn't the custom so airly, so I polled out o' that creek,
+starn first. They don't like men in the mornin', in
+England, do the ladies; they think 'em in the way.
+
+"'What on airth, shall I do?' says I, 'it's nothin' but
+rain, rain, rain--here in this awful dismal country.
+Nobody smokes, nobody talks, nobody plays cards, nobody
+fires at a mark, and nobody trades; only let me get thro'
+this juicy day, and I am done: let me get out of this
+scrape, and if I am caught agin, I'll give you leave to
+tell me of it, in meetin'. It tante pretty, I do suppose
+to be a jawin' with the butler, but I'll make an excuse
+for a talk, for talk comes kinder nateral to me, like
+suction to a snipe.'
+
+"'Waiter?'
+
+"'Sir.'
+
+"'Galls don't like to be tree'd here of a mornin' do
+they?'
+
+"'Sir.'
+
+"'It's usual for the ladies,' sais I, 'to be together in
+the airly part of the forenoon here, ain't it, afore the
+gentlemen jine them?'
+
+'"Yes, Sir.'
+
+"'It puts me in mind,' sais I, 'of the old seals down to
+Sable Island--you know where Sable Isle is, don't you?'
+
+"'Yes, Sir, it's in the cathedral down here.'
+
+"'No, no, not that, it's an island on the coast of Nova
+Scotia. You know where that is sartainly.'
+
+"'I never heard of it, Sir.'
+
+"'Well, Lord love you! you know what an old seal is?'
+
+"'Oh, yes, sir, I'll get you my master's in a moment.'
+
+And off he sot full chisel.
+
+"Cus him! he is as stupid as a rook, that crittur, it's
+no use to tell him a story, and now I think of it, I will
+go and smoke them black imps of darkness,--the rooks.'
+
+"So I goes up stairs, as slowly as I cleverly could, jist
+liftin' one foot arter another as if it had a fifty-six
+tied to it, on pupus to spend time; lit a cigar, opened
+the window nearest the rooks, and smoked, but oh the rain
+killed all the smoke in a minite; it didn't even make
+one on 'em sneeze. 'Dull musick this, Sam,' sais I, 'ain't
+it? Tell you what: I'll put on my ile-skin, take an
+umbreller and go and talk to the stable helps, for I feel
+as lonely as a catamount, and as dull as a bachelor
+beaver. So I trampousses off to the stable, and says I
+to the head man, 'A smart little hoss that,' sais I, 'you
+are a cleaning of: he looks like a first chop article
+that.'
+
+"'Y mae',' sais he.
+
+"'Hullo,' sais I, 'what in natur' is this? Is it him that
+can't speak English, or me that can't onderstand? for
+one on us is a fool, that's sartain. I'll try him agin.
+
+"So I sais to him, 'He looks,' sais I, 'as if he'd trot
+a considerable good stick, that horse,' sais I, 'I guess
+he is a goer.'
+
+"Y' mae, ye un trotter da,' sais he.
+
+"'Creation!' sais I, 'if this don't beat gineral trainin'.
+I have heerd in my time, broken French, broken Scotch,
+broken Irish, broken Yankee, broken Nigger, and broken
+Indgin; but I have hearn two pure gene_wine_ languages
+to-day, and no mistake, rael rook, and rael Britton, and
+I don't exactly know which I like wus. It's no use to
+stand talkin' to this critter. Good-bye,' sais I.
+
+"Now what do you think he said? Why, you would suppose
+he'd say good-bye too, wouldn't you? Well, he didn't,
+nor nothin' like it, but he jist ups, and sais,
+'Forwelloaugh,' he did, upon my soul. I never felt so
+stumpt afore in all my life. Sais I, 'Friend, here is
+half a dollar for you; it arn't often I'm brought to a
+dead stare, and when I am, I am willin' to pay for it.'
+
+"There's two languages, Squire, that's univarsal: the
+language of love, and the language of money; the galls
+onderstand the one, and the men onderstand the other,
+all the wide world over, from Canton to Niagara. I no
+sooner showed him the half dollar, than it walked into
+his pocket, a plaguy sight quicker than it will walk out,
+I guess.
+
+"Sais I, 'Friend, you've taken the consait out of me
+properly. Captain Hall said there warn't a man, woman,
+or child, in the whole of the thirteen united univarsal
+worlds of our great Republic, that could speak pure
+English, and I was a goin' to kick him for it; but he is
+right, arter all. There ain't one livin' soul on us can;
+I don't believe they ever as much as heerd it, for I
+never did, till this blessed day, and there are few things
+I haven't either see'd, or heern tell of. Yes, we can't
+speak English, do you take?' 'Dim comrag,' sais he, which
+in Yankee, means, "that's no English," and he stood,
+looked puzzled, and scratched his head, rael hansum, 'Dim
+comrag,' sais he.
+
+"Well, it made me larf spiteful. I felt kinder wicked,
+and as _I_ had a hat on, and I couldn't scratch my head,
+I stood jist like him, clown fashion, with my eyes
+wanderin' and my mouth wide open, and put my hand behind
+me, and scratched there; and I stared, and looked puzzled
+too, and made the same identical vacant face he did, and
+repeated arter him slowly, with another scratch, mocking
+him like, 'Dim comrag.'
+
+"Such a pair o' fools you never saw, Squire, since the
+last time you shaved afore a lookin' glass; and the stable
+boys larfed, and he larfed, and I larfed, and it was the
+only larf I had all that juicy day.
+
+"Well, I turns agin to the door; but it's the old story
+over again--rain, rain, rain; spatter, spatter, spatter,--'I
+can't stop here with these true Brittons,' sais I, 'guess
+I'll go and see the old Squire: he is in his study.'
+
+"So I goes there: 'Squire,' sais I, 'let me offer you a
+rael gene_wine_ Havana cigar; I can recommend it to you.'
+He thanks me, he don't smoke, but plague take him, he
+don't say, 'If you are fond of smokin', pray smoke
+yourself.' And he is writing I won't interrupt him.
+
+"'Waiter, order me a post-chaise, to be here in the
+mornin', when the rooks wake.'
+
+"'Yes, Sir.'
+
+"Come, I'll try the women folk in the drawin'-room, agin'.
+Ladies don't mind the rain here; they are used to it.
+It's like the musk plant, arter you put it to your nose
+once, you can't smell it a second time. Oh what beautiful
+galls they be! What a shame it is to bar a feller out
+such a day as this. One on 'em blushes like a red cabbage,
+when she speaks to me, that's the one, I reckon, I
+disturbed this mornin'. Cuss the rooks! I'll pyson them,
+and that won't make no noise.
+
+"She shows me the consarvitery. 'Take care, Sir, your
+coat has caught this geranium,' and she onhitches it.
+'Stop, Sir, you'll break this jilly flower,' and she
+lifts off the coat tail agin; in fact, it's so crowded,
+you can't squeeze along, scarcely, without a doin' of
+mischief somewhere or another.
+
+"Next time, she goes first, and then it's my turn, 'Stop,
+Miss,' sais I, 'your frock has this rose tree over,' and
+I loosens it; once more, 'Miss, this rose has got tangled,'
+and I ontangles it from her furbeloes.
+
+"I wonder what makes my hand shake so, and my heart it
+bumps so, it has bust a button off. If I stay in this
+consarvitery, I shan't consarve myself long, that's a
+fact, for this gall has put her whole team on, and is a
+runnin' me off the road. 'Hullo! what's that? Bell for
+dressin' for dinner.' Thank Heavens! I shall escape from
+myself, and from this beautiful critter, too, for I'm
+gettin' spoony, and shall talk silly presently.
+
+"I don't like to be left alone with a gall, it's plaguy
+apt to set me a soft sawderin' and a courtin'. There's
+a sort of nateral attraction like in this world. Two
+ships in a calm, are sure to get up alongside of each
+other, if there is no wind, and they have nothin' to do,
+but look at each other; natur' does it. "Well, even, the
+tongs and the shovel, won't stand alone long; they're
+sure to get on the same side of the fire, and be sociable;
+one on 'em has a loadstone and draws 'tother, that's
+sartain. If that's the case with hard-hearted things,
+like oak and iron, what is it with tender hearted things
+like humans? Shut me up in a 'sarvatory with a hansum
+gall of a rainy day, and see if I don't think she is the
+sweetest flower in it. Yes, I am glad it is the dinner-bell,
+for I ain't ready to marry yet, and when I am, I guess
+I must get a gall where I got my hoss, in Old Connecticut,
+and that state takes the shine off of all creation for
+geese, galls and onions, that's a fact.
+
+"Well dinner won't wait, so I ups agin once more near
+the rooks, to brush up a bit; but there it is agin the
+same old tune, the whole blessed day, rain, rain, rain.
+It's rained all day and don't talk of stoppin' nother.
+How I hate the sound, and how streaked I feel. I don't
+mind its huskin' my voice, for there is no one to talk
+to, but cuss it, it has softened my bones.
+
+"Dinner is ready; the rain has damped every body's spirits,
+and squenched 'em out; even champaign won't raise 'em
+agin; feedin' is heavy, talk is heavy, time is heavy,
+tea is heavy, and there ain't musick; the only thing
+that's light is a bed room candle--heavens and airth how
+glad I am this '_juicy day_' is over!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+TYING A NIGHT-CAP.
+
+In the preceding sketch I have given Mr. Slick's account
+of the English climate, and his opinion of the dulness
+of a country house, as nearly as possible in his own
+words. It struck me at the time that they were exaggerated
+views; but if the weather were unpropitious, and the
+company not well selected, I can easily conceive, that
+the impression on his mind would be as strong and as
+unfavourable, as he has described it to have been.
+
+The climate of England is healthy, and, as it admits of
+much out-door exercise, and is not subject to any very
+sudden variation, or violent extremes of heat and cold,
+it may be said to be good, though not agreeable; but its
+great humidity is very sensibly felt by Americans and
+other foreigners accustomed to a dry atmosphere and clear
+sky. That Mr. Slick should find a rainy day in the
+country dull, is not to be wondered at; it is probable
+it would be so any where, to a man who had so few resources,
+within himself, as the Attache. Much of course depends
+on the inmates; and the company at the Shropshire house,
+to which he alludes, do not appear to have been the best
+calculated to make the state of the weather a matter of
+indifference to him.
+
+I cannot say, but that I have at times suffered a depression
+of spirits from the frequent, and sometimes long continued
+rains of this country; but I do not know that, as an
+ardent admirer of scenery, I would desire less humidity,
+if it diminished, as I fear it would, the extraordinary
+verdure and great beauty of the English landscape. With
+respect to my own visits at country houses, I have
+generally been fortunate in the weather, and always in
+the company; but I can easily conceive, that a man situated
+as Mr. Slick appears to have been with respect to both,
+would find the combination intolerably dull. But to return
+to my narrative.
+
+Early on the following day we accompanied our luggage to
+the wharf, where a small steamer lay to convey us to the
+usual anchorage ground of the packets, in the bay. We
+were attended by a large concourse of people. The piety,
+learning, unaffected simplicity, and kind disposition of
+my excellent friend, Mr. Hopewell, were well known and
+fully appreciated by the people of New York, who were
+anxious to testify their respect for his virtues, and
+their sympathy for his unmerited persecution, by a personal
+escort and a cordial farewell.
+
+"Are all those people going with us, Sam?" said he; "how
+pleasant it will be to have so many old friends on board,
+won't it?"
+
+"No, Sir," said the Attache, "they are only a goin' to
+see you on board--it is a mark of respect to you. They
+will go down to the "Tyler," to take their last farewell
+of you."
+
+"Well, that's kind now, ain't it?" he replied. "I suppose
+they thought I would feel kinder dull and melancholy
+like, on leaving my native land this way; and I must say
+I don't feel jist altogether right neither. Ever so many
+things rise right up in my mind, not one arter another,
+but all together like, so that I can't take 'em one by
+one and reason 'em down, but they jist overpower me by
+numbers. You understand me, Sam, don't you?"
+
+"Poor old critter!" said Mr. Slick to me in an under-tone,
+"it's no wonder he is sad, is it? I must try to cheer
+him up, if I can. Understand you, minister!" said he,
+"to be sure I do. I have been that way often and often.
+That was the case when I was to Lowel factories, with
+the galls a taking of them off in the paintin' line. The
+dear little critters kept up such an everlastin' almighty
+clatter, clatter, clatter; jabber, jabber, jabber, all
+talkin' and chatterin' at once, you couldn't hear no
+blessed one of them; and they jist fairly stunned a
+feller. For nothin' in natur', unless it be perpetual
+motion, can equal a woman's tongue. It's most a pity we
+hadn't some of the angeliferous little dears with us too,
+for they do make the time pass quick, that's a fact. I
+want some on 'em to tie a night-cap for me to-night; I
+don't commonly wear one, but I somehow kinder guess, I
+intend to have one this time, and no mistake."
+
+"A night-cap, Sam!" said he; "why what on airth do you
+mean?"
+
+"Why, I'll tell you, minister," said he, "you recollect
+sister Sall, don't you."
+
+"Indeed, I do," said he, "and an excellent girl she is,
+a dutiful daughter, and a kind and affectionate sister.
+Yes, she is a good girl is Sally, a very good girl indeed;
+but what of her?"
+
+"Well, she was a most a beautiful critter, to brew a
+glass of whiskey toddy, as I ever see'd in all my travels
+was sister Sall, and I used to call that tipple, when I
+took it late, a night-cap; apple jack and white nose
+ain't the smallest part of a circumstance to it. On such
+an occasion as this, minister, when a body is leavin'
+the greatest nation atween the poles, to go among benighted,
+ignorant, insolent foreigners, you wouldn't object to a
+night-cap, now would you?"
+
+"Well, I don't know as I would, Sam," said he; "parting
+from friends whether temporally or for ever, is a sad
+thing, and the former is typical of the latter. No, I do
+not know as I would. We may use these things, but not
+abuse them. Be temperate, be moderate, but it is a sorry
+heart that knows no pleasure. Take your night-cap, Sam,
+and then commend yourself to His safe keeping, who rules
+the wind and the waves to Him who--"
+
+"Well then, minister, what a dreadful awful looking thing
+a night-cap is without a tassel, ain't it? Oh! you must
+put a tassel on it, and that is another glass. Well
+then, what is the use of a night-cap, if it has a tassel
+on it, but has no string, it will slip off your head the
+very first turn you take; and that is another glass you
+know. But one string won't tie a cap; one hand can't
+shake hands along with itself: you must have two strings
+to it, and that brings one glass more. Well then, what
+is the use of two strings if they ain't fastened? If you
+want to keep the cap on, it must be tied, that's sartain,
+and that is another go; and then, minister, what an
+everlastin' miserable stingy, ongenteel critter a feller
+must be, that won't drink to the health of the Female
+Brewer. Well, that's another glass to sweethearts and
+wives, and then turn in for sleep, and that's what I
+intend to do to-night. I guess I'll tie the night-cap
+this hitch, if I never do agin, and that's a fact."
+
+"Oh Sam, Sam," said Mr. Hopewell, "for a man that is wide
+awake and duly sober, I never saw one yet that talked
+such nonsense as you do. You said, you understood me,
+but you don't, one mite or morsel; but men are made
+differently, some people's narves operate on the brain
+sens_itively_ and give them exquisite pain or excessive
+pleasure; other folks seem as if they had no narves at
+all. You understand my words, but you don't enter into
+my feelings. Distressing images rise up in my mind in
+such rapid succession, I can't master them, but they
+master me. They come slower to you, and the moment you
+see their shadows before you, you turn round to the light,
+and throw these dark figures behind you. I can't do that;
+I could when I was younger, but I can't now. Reason is
+comparing two ideas, and drawing an inference. Insanity
+is, when you have such a rapid succession of ideas, that
+you can't compare them. How great then must be the pain
+when you are almost pressed into insanity and yet retain
+your reason? What is a broken heart? Is it death? I think
+it must be very like it, if it is not a figure of speech,
+for I feel that my heart is broken, and yet I am as
+sensitive to pain as ever. Nature cannot stand this
+suffering long. You say these good people have come to
+take their last farewell of me; most likely, Sam, it _is_
+a last farewell. I am an old man now, I am well stricken
+in years; shall I ever live to see my native land again?
+I know not, the Lord's will be done! If I had a wish, I
+should desire to return to be laid with my kindred, to
+repose in death with those that were the companions of
+my earthly pilgrimage; but if it be ordered otherwise.
+I am ready to say with truth and meekness, 'Lord, now
+lettest thou thy servant depart in peace.'"
+
+When this excellent old man said that, Mr. Slick did not
+enter into his feelings--he did not do him justice. His
+attachment to and veneration for his aged pastor and
+friend were quite filial, and such as to do honour to
+his head and heart. Those persons who have made character
+a study, will all agree, that the cold exterior of the
+New England man arises from other causes than a coldness
+of feeling; much of the rhodomontade of the attache,
+addressed to Mr. Hopewell, was uttered for the kind
+purpose of withdrawing his attention from those griefs
+which preyed so heavily upon his spirits.
+
+"Minister," said Mr. Slick, "come, cheer up, it makes me
+kinder dismal to hear you talk so. When Captain McKenzie
+hanged up them three free and enlightened citizens of
+ours on board of the--Somers--he gave 'em three cheers.
+We are worth half a dozen dead men yet, so cheer up. Talk
+to these friends of ourn, they might think you considerable
+starch if you don't talk, and talk is cheap, it don't
+cost nothin' but breath, a scrape of your hind leg, and
+a jupe of the head, that's a fact."
+
+Having thus engaged him in conversation with his friends,
+we proceeded on board the steamer, which, in a short
+time, was alongside of the great "Liner." The day was
+now spent, and Mr. Hopewell having taken leave of his
+escort, retired to his cabin, very much overpowered by
+his feelings.
+
+Mr. Slick insisted on his companions taking a parting
+glass with him, and I was much amused with the advice
+given him by some of his young friends and admirers. He
+was cautioned to sustain the high character of the nation
+abroad; to take care that he returned as he went--a true
+American; to insist upon the possession of the Oregon
+Territory; to demand and enforce his right position in
+society; to negotiate the national loan; and above all
+never to accede to the right of search of slave-vessels;
+all which having been duly promised, they took an
+affectionate leave of each other, and we remained on
+board, intending to depart in the course of the following
+morning.
+
+As soon as they had gone, Mr. Slick ordered materials
+for brewing, namely: whisky, hot water, sugar and lemon;
+and having duly prepared in regular succession the cap,
+the tassel, and the two strings, filled his tumbler again,
+and said,
+
+"Come now, Squire, before we turn in, let us _tie the
+night-cap_."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+HOME AND THE SEA.
+
+At eleven o'clock the next day the Tyler having shaken
+out her pinions, and spread them to the breeze, commenced
+at a rapid rate her long and solitary voyage across the
+Atlantic. Object after object rose in rapid succession
+into distinct view, was approached and passed, until
+leaving the calm and sheltered waters of the bay, we
+emerged into the ocean, and involuntarily turned to look
+back upon the land we had left. Long after the lesser
+hills and low country had disappeared, a few ambitious
+peaks of the highlands still met the eye, appearing as
+if they had advanced to the very edge of the water, to
+prolong the view of us till the last moment.
+
+This coast is a portion of my native continent, for though
+not a subject of the Republic, I am still an American in
+its larger sense, having been born in a British province
+in this hemisphere. I therefore sympathised with the
+feelings of my two companions, whose straining eyes were
+still fixed on those dim and distant specks in the horizon.
+
+"There," said Mr. Slick, rising from his seat, "I believe
+we have seen the last of home till next time; and this
+I will say, it is the most glorious country onder the
+sun; travel where you will, you won't ditto it no where.
+It is the toploftiest place in all creation, ain't it,
+minister?"
+
+There was no response to all this bombast. It was evident
+he had not been heard; and turning to Mr. Hopewell, I
+observed his eyes were fixed intently on the distance,
+and his mind pre-occupied by painful reflexions, for
+tears were coursing after each other down his furrowed
+but placid cheek.
+
+"Squire," said Mr. Slick to me, "this won't do. We must
+not allow him to dwell too long on the thoughts of leaving
+home, or he'll droop like any thing, and p'raps, hang
+his head and fade right away. He is aged and feeble,
+and every thing depends on keeping up his spirits. An
+old plant must be shaded, well watered, and tended, or
+you can't transplant it no how, you can fix it, that's
+a fact. He won't give ear to me now, for he knows I can't
+talk serious, if I was to try; but he will listen to
+_you_. Try to cheer him up, and I will go down below and
+give you a chance."
+
+As soon as I addressed him, he started and said, "Oh! is
+it you, Squire? come and sit down by me, my friend. I
+can talk to _you_, and I assure you I take great pleasure
+in doing so I cannot always talk to Sam: he is excited
+now; he is anticipating great pleasure from his visit to
+England, and is quite boisterous in the exuberance of
+his spirits. I own I am depressed at times; it is natural
+I should be, but I shall endeavour not to be the cause
+of sadness in others. I not only like cheerfulness myself,
+but I like to promote it; it is a sign of an innocent
+mind, and a heart in peace with God and in charity with
+man. All nature is cheerful, its voice is harmonious,
+and its countenance smiling; the very garb in which it
+is clothed is gay; why then should man be an exception
+to every thing around him? Sour sectarians, who address
+our fears, rather than our affections, may say what they
+please, Sir, but mirth is not inconsistent with religion,
+but rather an evidence that our religion is right. If I
+appear dull, therefore, do not suppose it is because I
+think it necessary to be so, but because certain reflections
+are natural to me as a clergyman, as a man far advanced
+in years, and as a pilgrim who leaves his home at a period
+of life, when the probabilities are, he may not be spared
+to revisit it.
+
+"I am like yourself, a colonist by birth. At the revolution
+I took no part in the struggle; my profession and my
+habits both exempted me. Whether the separation was
+justifiable or not, either on civil or religious principles,
+it is not now necessary to discuss. It took place, however,
+and the colonies became a nation, and after due
+consideration, I concluded to dwell among mine own people.
+There I have continued, with the exception of one or two
+short journeys for the benefit of my health, to the
+present period. Parting with those whom I have known so
+long and loved so well, is doubtless a trial to one whose
+heart is still warm, while his nerves are weak, and whose
+affections are greater than his firmness. But I weary
+you with this egotism?"
+
+"Not at all," I replied, "I am both instructed and
+delighted by your conversation. Pray proceed, Sir."
+
+"Well it is kind, very kind of you," said he, "to say
+so. I will explain these sensations to you, and then
+endeavour never to allude to them again. America is my
+birth-place and my home. Home has two significations, a
+restricted one and an enlarged one; in its restricted
+sense, it is the place of our abode, it includes our
+social circle, our parents, children, and friends, and
+contains the living and the dead; the past and the present
+generations of our race. By a very natural process, the
+scene of our affections soon becomes identified with
+them, and a portion of our regard is transferred from
+animate to inanimate objects. The streams on which we
+sported, the mountains on which we clambered, the fields
+in which we wandered, the school where we were instructed,
+the church where we worshipped, the very bell whose
+pensive melancholy music recalled our wandering steps in
+youth, awaken in after-years many a tender thought, many
+a pleasing recollection, and appeal to the heart with
+the force and eloquence of love. The country again contains
+all these things, the sphere is widened, new objects are
+included, and this extension of the circle is love of
+country. It is thus that the nation is said in an enlarged
+sense, to be our home also.
+
+"This love of country is both natural and laudable: so
+natural, that to exclude a man from his country, is the
+greatest punishment that country can inflict upon him;
+and so laudable, that when it becomes a principle of
+action, it forms the hero and the patriot. How impressive,
+how beautiful, how dignified was the answer of the
+Shunamite woman to Elisha, who in his gratitude to her
+for her hospitality and kindness, made her a tender of
+his interest at court. 'Wouldst thou,' said he, 'be spoken
+for to the king, or to the captain of the host?'--What
+an offer was that, to gratify her ambition or flatter
+her pride!--'I dwell,' said she, 'among mine own people.'
+What a characteristic answer! all history furnishes no
+parallel to it.
+
+"I too dwell 'among my own people:' my affections are
+there, and there also is the sphere of my duties; and if
+I am depressed by the thoughts of parting from 'my people,'
+I will do you the justice to believe, that you would
+rather bear with its effects, than witness the absence
+of such natural affection.
+
+"But this is not the sole cause: independently of some
+afflictions of a clerical nature in my late parish, to
+which it is not necessary to allude, the contemplation
+of this vast and fathomless ocean, both from its novelty
+and its grandeur, overwhelms me. At home I am fond of
+tracing the Creator in his works. From the erratic comet
+in the firmament, to the flower that blossoms in the
+field; in all animate, and inanimate matter; in all that
+is animal, vegetable or mineral, I see His infinite
+wisdom, almighty power, and everlasting glory.
+
+"But that Home is inland; I have not beheld the sea now
+for many years. I never saw it without emotion; I now
+view it with awe. What an emblem of eternity!--Its dominion
+is alone reserved to Him, who made it. Changing yet
+changeless--ever varying, yet always the same. How weak
+and powerless is man! how short his span of life, when
+he is viewed in connexion with the sea! He has left no
+trace upon it--it will not receive the impress of his
+hands; it obeys no laws, but those imposed upon it by
+Him, who called it into existence; generation after
+generation has looked upon it as we now do--and where
+are they? Like yonder waves that press upon each other
+in regular succession, they have passed away for ever;
+and their nation, their language, their temples and their
+tombs have perished with them. But there is the Undying
+one. When man was formed, the voice of the ocean was
+heard, as it now is, speaking of its mysteries, and
+proclaiming His glory, who alone lifteth its waves or
+stilleth the rage thereof.
+
+"And yet, my dear friend, for so you must allow me to
+call you, awful as these considerations are, which it
+suggests, who are they that go down to the sea in ships
+and occupy their business in great waters? The sordid
+trader, and the armed and mercenary sailor: gold or blood
+is their object, and the fear of God is not always in
+them. Yet the sea shall give up its dead, as well as the
+grave; and all shall--
+
+"But it is not my intention to preach to you. To intrude
+serious topics upon our friends at all times, has a
+tendency to make both ourselves and our topics distasteful.
+I mention these things to you, not that they are not
+obvious to you and every other right-minded man, or that
+I think I can clothe them in more attractive language,
+or utter them with more effect than others; but merely
+to account for my absence of mind and evident air of
+abstraction. I know my days are numbered, and in the
+nature of things, that those that are left, cannot be
+many.
+
+"Pardon me, therefore, I pray you, my friend; make
+allowances for an old man, unaccustomed to leave home,
+and uncertain whether he shall ever be permitted to return
+to it. I feel deeply and sensibly your kindness in
+soliciting my company on this tour, and will endeavour
+so to regulate my feelings as not to make you regret your
+invitation. I shall not again recur to these topics, or
+trouble you with any further reflections 'on Home and
+the Sea.'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+T'OTHER EEND OF THE GUN.
+
+"Squire," said Mr. Hopewell, one morning when we were
+alone on the quarter-deck, "sit down by me, if you please.
+I wish to have a little private conversation with you.
+I am a good deal concerned about Sam. I never liked this
+appointment he has received: neither his education, his
+habits, nor his manners have qualified him for it. He is
+fitted for a trader and for nothing else. He looks upon
+politics as he does upon his traffic in clocks, rather
+as profitable to himself than beneficial to others. Self
+is predominant with him. He overrates the importance of
+his office, as he will find when he arrives in London;
+but what is still worse, he overrates the importance of
+the opinions of others regarding the States.
+
+"He has been reading that foolish book of Cooper's
+'Gleanings in Europe,' and intends to shew fight, he
+says. He called my attention, yesterday, to this absurd
+passage, which he maintains is the most manly and sensible
+thing that Cooper ever wrote: 'This indifference to the
+feelings of others, is a dark spot on the national manners
+of England. The only way to put it down, is to become
+belligerent yourself, by introducing Pauperism, Radicalism,
+Ireland, the Indies, or some other sore point. Like all
+who make butts of others, they do not manifest the proper
+forbearance when the tables are turned. Of this, I have
+had abundance of proof in my own experience. Sometimes
+their remarks are absolutely rude, and personally offensive,
+as a disregard of one's national character, is a disrespect
+to his principles; but as personal quarrels on such
+grounds are to be avoided, I have uniformly retorted in
+kind, if there was the smallest opening for such
+retaliation."
+
+"Now, every gentleman in the States repudiates such
+sentiments as these. My object in mentioning the subject
+to you, is to request the favour of you, to persuade Sam
+not to be too sensitive on these topics; not to take
+offence, where it is not intended; and, above all, rather
+to vindicate his nationality by his conduct, than to
+justify those aspersions, by his intemperate behaviour.
+But here he comes; I shall withdraw and leave you together."
+
+Fortunately, Mr. Slick commenced talking upon a topic,
+which naturally led to that to which Mr. Hopewell had
+wished me to direct his attention.
+
+"Well, Squire," said he, "I am glad too, you are a goin'
+to England along with me: we will take a rise out of John
+Bull, won't we?--We've hit Blue-nose and Brother Jonathan
+both pretty considerable tarnation hard, and John has
+split his sides with larfter. Let's tickle him now, by
+feeling his own short ribs, and see how he will like it;
+we'll soon see whose hide is the thickest, hisn or ourn,
+won't we? Let's see whether he will say chee, chee, chee,
+when he gets to the t'other eend of the gun."
+
+"What is the meaning of that saying?" I asked. "I never
+heard it before."
+
+"Why," said he, "when I was a considerable of a grown up
+saplin of a boy to Slickville, I used to be a gunnin'
+for everlastinly amost in our hickory woods, a shootin'
+of squirrels with a rifle, and I got amazin' expart at
+it. I could take the head off of them chatterin' little
+imps, when I got a fair shot at 'em with a ball, at any
+reasonable distance, a'most in nine cases out of ten.
+
+"Well, one day I was out as usual, and our Irish help
+Paddy Burke was along with me, and every time he see'd
+me a drawin' of the bead fine on 'em, he used to say,
+'Well, you've an excellent gun entirely, Master Sam. Oh
+by Jakers! the squirrel has no chance with that gun,
+it's an excellent one entirely.'
+
+"At last I got tired a hearin' of him a jawin' so for
+ever and a day about the excellent gun entirely; so, sais
+I, 'You fool you, do you think it's the gun that does it
+_entirely_ as you say; ain't there a little dust of skill
+in it? Do you think you could fetch one down?'
+
+"'Oh, it's a capital gun entirely,' said he.
+
+"'Well,' said I, 'if it 'tis, try it now, and see what
+sort of a fist you'll make of it.'
+
+"So Paddy takes the rifle, lookin' as knowin' all the
+time as if he had ever seed one afore. Well, there was
+a great red squirrel, on the tip-top of a limb, chatterin'
+away like any thing, chee, chee, chee, proper frightened;
+he know'd it warn't me, that was a parsecutin' of him,
+and he expected he'd be hurt. They know'd me, did the
+little critters, when they seed me, and they know'd I
+never had hurt one on 'em, my balls never givin' 'em a
+chance to feel what was the matter of them; but Pat they
+didn't know, and they see'd he warn't the man to handle
+'old Bull-Dog.' I used to call my rifle Bull-Dog, cause
+she always bit afore she barked.
+
+"Pat threw one foot out astarn, like a skullin' oar, and
+then bent forrards like a hoop, and fetched the rifle
+slowly up to the line, and shot to the right eye. Chee,
+chee, chee, went the squirrel. He see'd it was wrong.
+'By the powers!' sais Pat, 'this is a left-handed boot,'
+and he brought the gun to the other shoulder, and then
+shot to his left eye. 'Fegs!' sais Pat, 'this gun was
+made for a squint eye, for I can't get a right strait
+sight of the critter, either side.' So I fixt it for him
+and told him which eye to sight by. 'An excellent gun
+entirely,' sais Pat, 'but it tante made like the rifles
+we have.'
+
+"Ain't they strange critters, them Irish, Squire? That
+feller never handled a rifle afore in all his born days;
+but unless it was to a priest, he wouldn't confess that
+much for the world. They are as bad as the English that
+way; they always pretend they know every thing.
+
+"'Come, Pat,' sais I, 'blaze away now.' Back goes the
+hind leg agin, up bends the back, and Bull-Dog rises
+slowly to his shoulder; and then he stared, and stared,
+until his arm shook like palsy. Chee, chee, chee, went
+the squirrel agin, louder than ever, as much as to say,
+'Why the plague don't you fire? I'm not a goin' to stand
+here all day, for you this way,' and then throwin' his
+tail over his back, he jumped on to the next branch.
+
+"'By the piper that played before Moses!' sais Pat, 'I'll
+stop your chee, chee, cheein' for you, you chatterin'
+spalpeen of a devil, you'. So he ups with the rifle agin,
+takes a fair aim at him, shuts both eyes, turns his head
+round, and fires; and "Bull-Dog," findin' he didn't know
+how to hold her tight to the shoulder, got mad, and kicked
+him head over heels, on the broad of his back. Pat got
+up, a makin' awful wry faces, and began to limp, to show
+how lame his shoulder was, and to rub his arm, to see if
+he had one left, and the squirrel ran about the tree
+hoppin' mad, hollerin' out as loud as it could scream,
+chee, chee, chee.
+
+"'Oh bad luck to you,' sais Pat, 'if you had a been at
+t'other eend of the gun,' and he rubbed his shoulder
+agin, and cried like a baby, 'you wouldn't have said
+chee, chee, chee, that way, I know.'
+
+"Now when your gun, Squire, was a knockin' over Blue-nose,
+and makin' a proper fool of him, and a knockin' over
+Jonathan, and a spilin' of his bran-new clothes, the
+English sung out chee, chee, chee, till all was blue
+agin. You had an excellent gun entirely then: let's see
+if they will sing out chee, chee, chee, now, when we take
+a shot at _them_. Do you take?" and he laid his thumb on
+his nose, as if perfectly satisfied with the application
+of his story. "Do you take, Squire? you have an excellent
+gun entirely, as Pat says. It's what I call puttin' the
+leake into 'em properly. If you had a written this book
+fust, the English would have said your gun was no good;
+it wouldn't have been like the rifles they had seen.
+Lord, I could tell you stories about the English, that
+would make even them cryin' devils the Mississippi
+crocodiles laugh, if they was to hear 'em."
+
+"Pardon me, Mr. Slick," I said, "this is not the temper
+with which you should visit England."
+
+"What is the temper," he replied with much warmth, "that
+they visit us in? Cuss 'em! Look at Dickens; was there
+ever a man made so much of, except La Fayette? And who
+was Dickens? Not a Frenchman that is a friend to us, not
+a native that has a claim on us; not a colonist, who,
+though English by name is still an American by birth,
+six of one and half a dozen of t'other, and therefore a
+kind of half-breed brother. No! he was a cussed Britisher;
+and what is wus, a British author; and yet, because he
+was a man of genius, because genius has the 'tarnal globe
+for its theme, and the world for its home, and mankind
+for its readers, and bean't a citizen of this state or
+that state, but a native of the univarse, why we welcomed
+him, and feasted him, and leveed him, and escorted him,
+and cheered him, and honoured him, did he honour us? What
+did he say of us when he returned? Read his book.
+
+"No, don't read his book, for it tante worth readin'.
+Has he said one word of all that reception in his book?
+that book that will be read, translated, and read agin
+all over Europe--has he said one word of that reception?
+Answer me that, will you? Darned the word, his memory
+was bad; he lost it over the tafrail when he was sea-sick.
+But his notebook was safe under lock and key, and the
+pigs in New York, and the chap the rats eat in jail, and
+the rough man from Kentucky, and the entire raft of galls
+emprisoned in one night, and the spittin' boxes and all
+that stuff, warn't trusted to memory, it was noted down,
+and printed.
+
+"But it tante no matter. Let any man give me any sarce
+in England, about my country, or not give me the right
+_po_-sition in society, as Attache to our Legation, and,
+as Cooper says, I'll become belligerent, too, I will, I
+snore. I can snuff a candle with a pistol as fast as
+you can light it; hang up an orange, and I'll first peel
+it with ball and then quarter it. Heavens! I'll let
+daylight dawn through some o' their jackets, I know.
+
+"Jube, you infarnal black scoundrel, you odoriferous
+nigger you, what's that you've got there?"
+
+"An apple, massa."
+
+"Take off your cap and put that apple on your head, then
+stand sideways by that port-hole, and hold steady, or
+you might stand a smart chance to have your wool carded,
+that's all."
+
+Then taking a pistol out of the side-pocket of his
+mackintosh, he deliberately walked over to the other side
+of the deck, and examined his priming.
+
+"Good heavens, Mr. Slick!" said I in great alarm, "what
+are you about?"
+
+"I am goin'," he said with the greatest coolness, but at
+the same time with equal sternness, "to bore a hole
+through that apple, Sir."
+
+"For shame! Sir," I said. "How can you think of such a
+thing? Suppose you were to miss your shot, and kill that
+unfortunate boy?"
+
+"I won't suppose no such thing, Sir. I can't miss it.
+I couldn't miss it if I was to try. Hold your head steady,
+Jube--and if I did, it's no great matter. The onsarcumcised
+Amalikite ain't worth over three hundred dollars at the
+furthest, that's a fact; and the way he'd pyson a shark
+ain't no matter. Are you ready, Jube?"
+
+"Yes, massa."
+
+"You shall do no such thing, Sir," I said, seizing his
+arm with both my hands. "If you attempt to shoot at that
+apple, I shall hold no further intercourse with you. You
+ought to be ashamed of yourself, Sir."
+
+"Ky! massa," said Jube, "let him fire, Sar; he no hurt
+Jube; he no foozle de hair. I isn't one mossel afeerd.
+He often do it, jist to keep him hand in, Sar. Massa
+most a grand shot, Sar. He take off de ear oh de squirrel
+so slick, he neber miss it, till he go scratchin' his
+head. Let him appel hab it, massa."
+
+"Oh, yes," said Mr. Slick, "he is a Christian is Jube,
+he is as good as a white Britisher: same flesh, only a
+leetle, jist a leetle darker; same blood, only not quite
+so old, ain't quite so much tarter on the bottle as a
+lord's has; oh him and a Britisher is all one brother--oh
+by all means--
+
+   Him fader's hope--him mudder's joy,
+   Him darlin little nigger boy.
+
+You'd better cry over him, hadn't you. Buss him, call
+him brother, hug him, give him the "Abolition" kiss,
+write an article on slavery, like Dickens; marry him to
+a white gall to England, get him a saint's darter with
+a good fortin, and well soon see whether her father was
+a talkin' cant or no, about niggers. Cuss 'em, let any
+o' these Britishers give me slack, and I'll give 'em
+cranberry for their goose, I know. I'd jump right down
+their throat with spurs on, and gallop their sarce out."
+
+"Mr. Slick I've done; I shall say no more; we part, and
+part for ever. I had no idea whatever, that a man, whose
+whole conduct has evinced a kind heart, and cheerful
+disposition, could have entertained such a revengeful
+spirit, or given utterance to such unchristian and
+uncharitable language, as you have used to-day. We part"--
+
+"No, we don't," said he; "don't kick afore you are spurred.
+I guess I have feelins as well as other folks have, that's
+a fact; one can't help being ryled to hear foreigners
+talk this way; and these critters are enough to make a
+man spotty on the back. I won't deny I've got some grit,
+but I ain't ugly. Pat me on the back and I soon cool
+down, drop in a soft word and I won't bile over; but
+don't talk big, don't threaten, or I curl directly."
+
+"Mr. Slick," said I, "neither my countrymen, the Nova
+Scotians, nor your friends, the Americans, took any thing
+amiss, in our previous remarks, because, though satirical,
+they were good natured. There was nothing malicious in
+them. They were not made for the mere purpose of shewing
+them up, but were incidental to the topic we were
+discussing, and their whole tenor shewed that while "we
+were alive to the ludicrous, we fully appreciated, and
+properly valued their many excellent and sterling qualities.
+My countrymen, for whose good I published them, had the
+most reason to complain, for I took the liberty to apply
+ridicule to them with no sparing hand. They understood
+the motive, and joined in the laugh, which was raised at
+their expense. Let us treat the English in the same style;
+let us keep our temper. John Bull is a good-natured
+fellow, and has no objection to a joke, provided it is
+not made the vehicle of conveying an insult. Don't adopt
+Cooper's maxims; nobody approves of them, on either side
+of the water; don't be too thin-skinned. If the English
+have been amused by the sketches their tourists have
+drawn of, the Yankees, perhaps the Americans may laugh
+over our sketches of the English. Let us make both of
+them smile, if we can, and endeavour to offend neither.
+If Dickens omitted to mention the festivals that were
+given in honour of his arrival in the States, he was
+doubtless actuated by a desire to avoid the appearance
+of personal vanity. A man cannot well make himself the
+hero of his own book."
+
+"Well, well," said he, "I believe the black ox did tread
+on my toe that time. I don't know but what you're right.
+Soft words are good enough in their way, but still they
+butter no parsnips, as the sayin' is. John may be a
+good-natured critter, tho' I never see'd any of it yet;
+and he may be fond of a joke, and p'raps is, seein' that
+he haw-haws considerable loud at his own. Let's try him
+at all events. We'll soon see how he likes other folks'
+jokes; I have my scruple about him, I must say. I am
+dubersome whether he will say 'chee, chee, chee' when he
+gets 'T'other eend of the gun.'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+SMALL POTATOES AND FEW IN A HILL.
+
+"Pray Sir," said one of my fellow passengers, "can you
+tell me why the Nova Scotians are called 'Blue-noses?'"
+
+"It is the name of a potatoe," said I, "which they produce
+in great perfection, and boast to be the best in the
+world. The Americans have, in consequence, given them
+the nick-name of "Blue-noses.'"
+
+"And now," said Mr. Slick," as you have told the entire
+stranger, _who_ a Blue-nose is, I'll jist up and tell
+him _what_ he is.
+
+"One day, Stranger, I was a joggin' along into Windsor
+on Old Clay, on a sort of butter and eggs' gait (for a
+fast walk on a journey tires a horse considerable), and
+who should I see a settin' straddle legs "on the fence,
+but Squire Gabriel Soogit, with his coat off, a holdin'
+of a hoe in one hand, and his hat in t'other, and a
+blowin' like a porpus proper tired.
+
+"'Why, Squire Gabe,' sais I, 'what is the matter of you?
+you look as if you couldn't help yourself; who is dead
+and what is to pay now, eh?'
+
+"'Fairly beat out,' said he, 'I am shockin' tired. I've
+been hard at work all the mornin'; a body has to stir
+about considerable smart in this country, to make a
+livin', I tell you.'
+
+"I looked over the fence, and I seed he had hoed jist
+ten hills of potatoes, and that's all. Fact I assure you.
+
+"Sais he, 'Mr. Slick, tell you what, _of all the work I
+ever did in my life I like hoein' potatoes the best, and
+I'd rather die than do that, it makes my back ache so_."
+
+"'Good airth" and seas,' sais I to myself, 'what a parfect
+pictur of a lazy man that is! How far is it to Windsor?'
+
+"'Three miles,' sais he. I took out my pocket-book
+purtendin' to write down the distance, but I booked his
+sayin' in my way-bill.
+
+"Yes, _that_ is a _Blue-nose_; is it any wonder, Stranger,
+he _is small potatoes and few in a hill_?"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+A GENTLEMAN AT LARGE.
+
+It is not my intention to record any of the ordinary
+incidents of a sea voyage: the subject is too hackneyed
+and too trite; and besides, when the topic is seasickness,
+it is infectious and the description nauseates. _Hominem
+pagina nostra sapit_. The proper study of mankind is man;
+human nature is what I delight in contemplating; I love
+to trace out and delineate the springs of human action.
+
+Mr. Slick and Mr. Hopewell are both studies. The former
+is a perfect master of certain chords; He has practised
+upon them, not for philosophical, but for mercenary
+purposes. He knows the depth, and strength, and tone of
+vanity, curiosity, pride, envy, avarice, superstition,
+nationality, and local and general prejudice. He has
+learned the effect of these, not because they contribute
+to make him wiser, but because they make him richer; not
+to enable him to regulate his conduct in life, but to
+promote and secure the increase of his trade.
+
+Mr. Hopewell, on the contrary, has studied the human
+heart as a philanthropist, as a man whose business it
+was to minister to it, to cultivate and improve it. His
+views are more sound and more comprehensive than those
+of the other's, and his objects are more noble. They are
+both extraordinary men.
+
+They differed, however, materially in their opinion of
+England and its institutions. Mr. Slick evidently viewed
+them with prejudice. Whether this arose from the
+supercilious manner of English tourists in America, or
+from the ridicule they have thrown upon Republican society,
+in the books of travels they have published, after their
+return to Europe, I could not discover; but it soon became
+manifest to me, that Great Britain did not stand so high
+in his estimation, as the colonies did.
+
+Mr. Hopewell, on the contrary, from early associations,
+cherished a feeling of regard and respect for England;
+and when his opinion was asked, he always gave it with
+great frankness and impartiality. When there was any
+thing he could not approve of, it appeared to be a subject
+of regret to him; whereas, the other seized upon it at
+once as a matter of great exultation. The first sight we
+had of land naturally called out their respective opinions.
+
+As we were pacing the deck speculating upon the probable
+termination of our voyage, Cape Clear was descried by
+the look-out on the mast-head.
+
+"Hallo! what's that? why if it ain't land ahead, as I'm
+alive!" said Mr. Slick. "Well, come this is pleasant
+too, we have made amost an everlastin' short voyage of
+it, hante we; and I must say I like land quite as well
+as sea, in a giniral way, arter all; but, Squire, here
+is the first Britisher. That critter that's a clawin' up
+the side of the vessel like a cat, is the pilot: now do
+for goodness gracious sake, jist look at him, and hear
+him."
+
+"What port?"
+
+"Liverpool."
+
+"Keep her up a point."
+
+"Do you hear that, Squire? that's English, or what we
+used to call to singing school short metre. The critter
+don't say a word, even as much as 'by your leave'; but
+jist goes and takes his post, and don't ask the name of
+the vessel, or pass the time o' day with the Captin. That
+ain't in the bill, it tante paid for that; if it was,
+he'd off cap, touch the deck three times with his forehead,
+and '_Slam_' like a Turk to his Honour the Skipper.
+
+"There's plenty of civility here to England if you pay
+for it: you can buy as much in five minits, as will make
+you sick for a week; but if you don't pay for it, you
+not only won't get it, but you get sarce instead of it,
+that is if you are fool enough to stand and have it rubbed
+in. They are as cold as Presbyterian charity, and mean
+enough to put the sun in eclipse, are the English. They
+hante set up the brazen image here to worship, but they've
+got a gold one, and that they do adore and no mistake;
+it's all pay, pay, pay; parquisite, parquisite, parquisite;
+extortion, extortion, extortion. There is a whole pack
+of yelpin' devils to your heels here, for everlastinly
+a cringin', fawnin' and coaxin', or snarlin', grumblin'
+or bullyin' you out of your money. There's the boatman,
+and tide-waiter, and porter, and custom-er, and truck
+man as soon as you land; and the sarvant-man, and
+chamber-gall, and boots, and porter again to the inn.
+And then on the road, there is trunk-lifter, and coachman,
+and guard, and beggar-man, and a critter that opens the
+coach door, that they calls a waterman, cause he is
+infarnal dirty, and never sees water. They are jist like
+a snarl o' snakes, their name is legion and there ain't
+no eend to 'em.
+
+"The only thing you get for nothin' here is rain and
+smoke, the rumatiz, and scorny airs. If you could buy an
+Englishman at what he was worth, and sell him at his own
+valiation, he would realise as much as a nigger, and
+would be worth tradin' in, that's a fact; but as it is
+he ain't worth nothin', there is no market for such
+critters, no one would buy him at no price. A Scotchman
+is wus, for he is prouder and meaner. Pat ain't no better
+nother; he ain't proud, cause he has a hole in his breeches
+and another in his elbow, and he thinks pride won't patch
+'em, and he ain't mean cause he hante got nothin' to be
+mean with. Whether it takes nine tailors to make a man,
+I can't jist exactly say, but this I will say, and take
+my davy of it too, that it would take three such goneys
+as these to make a pattern for one of our rael genu_wine_
+free and enlightened citizens, and then I wouldn't swap
+without large boot, I tell you. Guess I'll go, and pack
+up my fixing and have 'em ready to land."
+
+He now went below, leaving Mr. Hopewell and myself on
+the deck. All this tirade of Mr. Slick was uttered in
+the hearing of the pilot, and intended rather for his
+conciliation, than my instruction. The pilot was immoveable;
+he let the cause against his country go "by default,"
+and left us to our process of "inquiry;" but when Mr.
+Slick was in the act of descending to the cabin, be turned
+and gave him a look of admeasurement, very similar to
+that which a grazier gives an ox; a look which estimates
+the weight and value of the animal, and I am bound to
+admit, that the result of that "sizing or laying" as it
+is technically called, was by no means favourable to the
+Attache".
+
+Mr. Hopewell had evidently not attended to it; his eye
+was fixed on the bold and precipitous shore of Wales,
+and the lofty summits of the everlasting hills, that in
+the distance, aspired to a companionship with the clouds.
+I took my seat at a little distance from him and surveyed
+the scene with mingled feelings of curiosity and admiration,
+until a thick volume of sulphureous smoke from the copper
+furnaces of Anglesey intercepted our view.
+
+"Squire," said he, "it is impossible for us to contemplate
+this country, that now lies before us, without strong
+emotion. It is our fatherland. I recollect when I was a
+colonist, as you are, we were in the habit of applying
+to it, in common with Englishmen, that endearing appellation
+"Home," and I believe you still continue to do so in the
+provinces. Our nursery tales, taught our infant lips to
+lisp in English, and the ballads, that first exercised
+our memories, stored the mind with the traditions of our
+forefathers; their literature was our literature, their
+religion our religion, their history our history. The
+battle of Hastings, the murder of Becket, the signature
+of Runymede, the execution at Whitehall; the divines,
+the poets, the orators, the heroes, the martyrs, each
+and all were familiar to us.
+
+"In approaching this country now, after a lapse of many,
+many years, and approaching it too for the last time,
+for mine eyes shall see it no more, I cannot describe to
+you the feelings that agitate my heart. I go to visit
+the tombs of my ancestors; I go to my home, and my home
+knoweth me no more. Great and good, and brave and free
+are the English; and may God grant that they may ever
+continue so!"
+
+"I cordially join in that prayer, Sir," said I; "you have
+a country of your own. The old colonies having ripened
+into maturity, formed a distinct and separate family, in
+the great community of mankind. You are now a nation of
+yourselves, and your attachment to England, is of course
+subordinate to that of your own country; you view it as
+the place that was in days of yore the home of your
+forefathers; we regard it as the paternal estate, continuing
+to call it 'Home' as you have just now observed. We owe
+it a debt of gratitude that not only cannot be repaid,
+but is too great for expression. Their armies protect us
+within, and their fleets defend us, and our commerce
+without. Their government is not only paternal and
+indulgent, but is wholly gratuitous. We neither pay these
+forces, nor feed them, nor clothe them. We not only raise
+no taxes, but are not expected to do so. The blessings
+of true religion are diffused among us, by the pious
+liberality of England, and a collegiate establishment at
+Windsor, supported by British friends, has for years
+supplied the Church, the Bar and the Legislature with
+scholars and gentlemen. Where the national funds have
+failed, private contribution has volunteered its aid,
+and means are never wanting for any useful or beneficial
+object.
+
+"Our condition is a most enviable one. The history of
+the world has no example to offer of such noble
+disinterestedness and such liberal rule, as that exhibited
+by Great Britain to her colonies. If the policy of the
+Colonial Office is not always good (which I fear is too
+much to say) it is ever liberal; and if we do not mutually
+derive all the benefit we might from the connexion, _we_,
+at least, reap more solid advantages than we have a right
+to expect, and more, I am afraid, than our conduct always
+deserves. I hope the Secretary for the Colonies may have
+the advantage of making your acquaintance, Sir. Your
+experience is so great, you might give him a vast deal
+of useful information, which he could obtain from no one
+else.
+
+"Minister," said Mr. Slick, who had just mounted the
+companion-ladder, "will your honour," touching his hat,
+"jist look at your honour's plunder, and see it's all
+right; remember me, Sir; thank your honour. This way,
+Sir; let me help your honour down. Remember me again,
+Sir. Thank your honour. Now you may go and break your
+neck, your honour, as soon as you please; for I've got
+all out of you I can squeeze, that's a fact. That's
+English, Squire--that's English servility, which they
+call civility, and English meanness and beggin', which
+they call parquisite. Who was that you wanted to see the
+Minister, that I heerd you a talkin' of when I come on
+deck?"
+
+"The Secretary of the Colonies," I said.
+
+"Oh for goodness sake don't send that crittur to him,"
+said he, "or minister will have to pay him for his visit,
+more, p'raps, than he can afford. John Russell, that had
+the ribbons afore him, appointed a settler as a member
+of Legislative Council to Prince Edward's Island, a berth
+that has no pay, that takes a feller three months a year
+from home, and has a horrid sight to do; and what do you
+think he did? Now jist guess. You give it up, do you?
+Well, you might as well, for if you was five Yankees
+biled down to one, you wouldn't guess it. 'Remember
+Secretary's clerk,' says he, a touchin' of his hat, 'give
+him a little tip of thirty pound sterling, your honour.'
+Well, colonist had a drop of Yankee blood in him, which
+was about one third molasses, and, of course, one third
+more of a man than they commonly is, and so he jist ups
+and says, 'I'll see you and your clerk to Jericho beyond
+Jordan fust. The office ain't worth the fee. Take it and
+sell it to some one else that has more money nor wit.'
+He did, upon my soul."
+
+"No, don't send State-Secretary to Minister, send him to
+me at eleven o'clock to-night, for I shall be the
+toploftiest feller about that time you've seen this while
+past, I tell you. Stop till I touch land once more, that's
+all; the way I'll stretch my legs ain't no matter."
+
+He then uttered the negro ejaculation "chah!--chah!" and
+putting his arms a-kimbo, danced in a most extraordinary
+style to the music of a song, which he gave with great
+expression:
+
+  "Oh hab you nebber heerd ob de battle ob Orleens,
+   Where de dandy Yankee lads gave de Britishers de beans;
+   Oh de Louisiana boys dey did it pretty slick,
+   When dey cotch ole Packenham and rode him up a creek.
+   Wee my zippy dooden dooden dooden, dooden dooden dey,
+   Wee my zippy dooden dooden dooden, dooden dooden dey.
+
+"Oh yes, send Secretary to me at eleven or twelve to-night,
+I'll be in tune then, jist about up to concart pitch.
+I'll smoke with him, or drink with him, or swap stories
+with him, or wrastle with him, or make a fool of him, or
+lick him, or any thing he likes; and when I've done, I'll
+rise up, tweak the fore-top-knot of my head by the nose,
+bow pretty, and say 'Remember me, your honour? Don't
+forget the tip?' Lord, how I long to walk into some o'
+these chaps, and give 'em the beans! and I will yet afore
+I'm many days older, hang me if I don't. I shall bust,
+I do expect; and if I do, them that ain't drownded will
+be scalded, I know. Chah!--chah!
+
+  "Oh de British name is Bull, and de French name is Frog,
+   And noisy critters too, when a braggin' on a log,--
+   But I is an alligator, a floatin' down stream.
+   And I'll chaw both the bullies up, as I would an ice-cream:
+   Wee my zippy dooden dooden dooden, dooden dooden dee,
+   Wee my zippy dooden dooden dooden, dooden dooden dee.
+
+"Yes, I've been pent up in that drawer-like lookin' berth,
+till I've growed like a pine-tree with its branches off--
+straight up and down. My legs is like a pair of compasses
+that's got wet; they are rusty on the hinges, and won't
+work. I'll play leapfrog up the street, over every
+feller's head, till I get to the Liners' Hotel; I hope
+I may be shot if I don't. Jube, you villain, stand still
+there on the deck, and hold up stiff, you nigger. Warny
+once--warny twice--warny three times; now I come."
+
+And he ran forward, and putting a hand on each shoulder,
+jumped over him.
+
+"Turn round agin, you young sucking Satan, you; and don't
+give one mite or morsel, or you might 'break massa's
+precious neck,' p'raps. Warny once--warny twice--warny
+three times."
+
+And he repeated the feat again.
+
+"That's the way I'll shin it up street, with a hop, skip
+and a jump. Won't I make Old Bull stare, when he finds
+his head under my coat tails, and me jist makin' a lever
+of him? He'll think he has run foul of a snag, _I_ know.
+Lord, I'll shack right over their heads, as they do over
+a colonist; only when they do, they never say warny wunst,
+cuss 'em, they arn't civil enough for that. They arn't
+paid for it--there is no parquisite to be got by it.
+Won't I tuck in the Champaine to-night, that's all, till
+I get the steam up right, and make the paddles work?
+Won't I have a lark of the rael Kentuck breed? Won't I
+trip up a policeman's heels, thunder the knockers of the
+street doors, and ring the bells and leave no card? Won't
+I have a shy at a lamp, and then off hot foot to the
+hotel? Won't I say, 'Waiter, how dare you do that?'
+
+"'What, Sir?'
+
+"'Tread on my foot.'
+
+"'I didn't, Sir.'
+
+"'You did, Sir. Take that!' knock him down like wink,
+and help him up on his feet agin with a kick on his
+western eend. Kiss the barmaid, about the quickest and
+wickedest she ever heerd tell of, and then off to bed as
+sober as a judge. 'Chambermaid, bring a pan of coals and
+air my bed.' 'Yes, Sir.' Foller close at her heels, jist
+put a hand on each short rib, tickle her till she spills
+the red hot coals all over the floor, and begins to cry
+over 'em to put 'em out, whip the candle out of her hand,
+leave her to her lamentations, and then off to roost in
+no time. And when I get there, won't I strike out all
+abroad--take up the room of three men with their clothes
+on--lay all over and over the bed, and feel once more I
+am a free man and a '_Gentleman at large_.'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+SEEING LIVERPOOL.
+
+On looking back to any given period of our life, we
+generally find that the intervening time appears much
+shorter than it really is. We see at once the starting-post
+and the terminus, and the mind takes in at one view the
+entire space.
+
+But this observation is more peculiarly applicable to a
+short passage across the Atlantic. Knowing how great the
+distance is, and accustomed to consider the voyage as
+the work of many weeks, we are so astonished at finding
+ourselves transported in a few days, from one continent
+to another, that we can hardly credit the evidence of
+our own senses.
+
+Who is there that on landing has not asked himself the
+question, "Is it possible that I am in England? It seems
+but as yesterday that I was in America, to-day I am in
+Europe. Is it a dream, or a reality?"
+
+The river and the docks--the country and the town--the
+people and their accent--the verdure and the climate are
+all new to me. I have not been prepared for this; I have
+not been led on imperceptibly, by travelling mile after
+mile by land from my own home, to accustom my senses to
+the gradual change of country. There has been no border
+to pass, where the language, the dress, the habits, and
+outward appearances assimilate. There has been no blending
+of colours--no dissolving views in the retrospect--no
+opening or expanding ones in prospect. I have no difficulty
+in ascertaining the point where one terminates and the
+other begins.
+
+The change is sudden and startling. The last time I
+slept on shore, was in America--to-night I sleep in
+England. The effect is magical--one country is withdrawn
+from view, and another is suddenly presented to my
+astonished gaze. I am bewildered; I rouse myself, and
+rubbing my eyes, again ask whether I am awake? Is this
+England? that great country, that world of itself; Old
+England, that place I was taught to call home _par
+excellence_, the home of other homes, whose flag, I called
+our flag? (no, I am wrong, I have been accustomed to call
+our flag, the flag of England; our church, not the Church
+of Nova Scotia, nor the Colonial nor the Episcopal, nor
+the Established, but the Church of England.) Is it then
+that England, whose language I speak, whose subject I
+am, the mistress of the world, the country of Kings and
+Queens, and nobles and prelates, and sages and heroes?
+
+I have read of it, so have I read of old Rome; but the
+sight of Rome, Caesar and the senate would not astonish
+me more than that of London, the Queen and the Parliament.
+Both are yet ideal; the imagination has sketched them,
+but when were its sketches ever true to nature? I have
+a veneration for both, but, gentle reader, excuse the
+confessions of an old man, for I have a soft spot in the
+heart yet, _I love Old England_. I love its institutions,
+its literature, its people. I love its law, because,
+while it protects property, it ensures liberty. I love
+its church, not only because I believe it is the true
+church, but because though armed with power, it is tolerant
+in practice. I love its constitution, because it combines
+the stability of a monarchy, with the most valuable
+peculiarities of a republic, and without violating nature
+by attempting to make men equal, wisely follow its
+dictates, by securing freedom to all.
+
+I like the people, though not all in the same degree.
+They are not what they were. Dissent, reform and agitation
+have altered their character. It is necessary to
+distinguish. A _real_ Englishman is generous, loyal and
+brave, manly in his conduct and gentlemanly in his feeling.
+When I meet such a man as this, I cannot but respect him;
+but when I find that in addition to these good qualities,
+he has the further recommendation of being a churchman
+in his religion and a tory in his politics, I know then
+that his heart is in the right place, and I love him.
+
+The drafts of these chapters were read to Mr. Slick, at
+his particular request, that he might be assured they
+contained nothing that would injure his election as
+President of the United States, in the event of the
+Slickville ticket becoming hereafter the favourite one.
+This, he said, was on the cards, strange as it might
+seem, for making a fool of John Bull and turning the
+laugh on him, would he sure to take and be popular. The
+last paragraphs, he said, he affectioned and approbated
+with all his heart.
+
+"It is rather tall talkin' that," said he; "I like its
+patronisin' tone. There is sunthin' goodish in a colonist
+patronisin' a Britisher. It's turnin' the tables on 'em;
+it's sarvin' 'em out in their own way. Lord, I think I
+see old Bull put his eye-glass up and look at you, with
+a dead aim, and hear him say, 'Come, this is cuttin' it
+rather fat.' Or, as the feller said to his second wife,
+when she tapped him on the shoulder, 'Marm, my first wife
+was a _Pursy_, and she never presumed to take that
+liberty.' Yes, that's good, Squire. Go it, my shirt-tails!
+you'll win if you get in fust, see if you don't.
+Patronizin' a Britisher!!! A critter that has Lucifer's
+pride, Arkwright's wealth, and Bedlam's sense, ain't it
+rich? Oh, wake snakes and walk your chalks, will you!
+Give me your figgery-four Squire, I'll go in up to the
+handle for you. Hit or miss, rough or tumble, claw or
+mud-scraper, any way, you damn please, I'm your man."
+
+But to return to my narrative. I was under the necessity
+of devoting the day next after our landing at Liverpool,
+to writing letters announcing my safe arrival to my
+anxious friends in Nova Scotia, and in different parts
+of England; and also some few on matters of business.
+Mr. Slick was very urgent in his request, that I should
+defer this work till the evening, and accompany him in
+a stroll about the town, and at last became quite peevish
+at my reiterated refusal.
+
+"You remind me, Squire," said he, "of Rufus Dodge, our
+great ile marchant of Boston, and as you won't walk,
+p'raps you'll talk, so I'll jist tell you the story.
+
+"I was once at the Cataract House to Niagara. It is jist
+a short distance above the Falls. Out of the winders,
+you have a view of the splendid white waters, or the
+rapids of foam, afore the river takes its everlastin'
+leap over the cliff.
+
+"Well, Rufus come all the way from Boston to see the
+Falls: he said he didn't care much about them hisself,
+seein' that he warn't in the mill business; but, as he
+was a goin' to England, he didn't like to say he hadn't
+been there, especially as all the English knowed about
+America was, that there was a great big waterfall called
+Niagara, an everlastin' Almighty big river called
+Mississippi, and a parfect pictur of a wappin' big man
+called Kentuckian there. Both t'other ones he'd seen over
+and over agin, but Niagara he'd never sot eyes on.
+
+"So as soon as he arrives, he goes into the public room,
+and looks at the white waters, and, sais he, 'Waiter,'
+sais he, 'is them the falls down there?' a-pintin' by
+accident in the direction where the Falls actilly was.
+
+"'Yes, Sir,' sais the waiter.
+
+"'Hem!' sais Rufe, 'them's the Falls of Niagara, eh! So
+I've seen the Falls at last, eh! Well it's pretty too:
+they ain't bad, that's a fact. So them's the Falls of
+Niagara! How long is it afore the stage starts?'
+
+"'An hour, Sir.'
+
+"'Go and book me for Boston, and then bring me a paper.'
+
+"'Yes, Sir.'
+
+"Well he got his paper and sot there a readin' of it,
+and every now and then, he'd look out of the winder and
+say: 'So them's the Falls of Niagara, eh? Well, it's a
+pretty little mill privilege that too, ain't it; but it
+ain't just altogether worth comin' so far to see. So I've
+seen the Falls at last!'
+
+"Arter a while in comes a Britisher.
+
+"'Waiter,' says he, 'how far is it to the Falls?'
+
+"'Little over a half a mile, Sir.'
+
+"'Which way do you get there?'
+
+"'Turn to the right, and then to the left, and then go
+a-head.'
+
+"Rufe heard all this, and it kinder seemed dark to him;
+so arter cypherin' it over in his head a bit, 'Waiter,'
+says he, 'ain't them the Falls of Niagara, I see there?'
+
+"'No, Sir.'
+
+"'Well, that's tarnation all over now. Not the Falls?'
+
+"'No, Sir.'
+
+"'Why, you don't mean to say, that them are ain't the
+Falls?'
+
+'"Yes, I do, Sir.'
+
+"'Heaven and airth! I've come hundreds of miles a puppus
+to see 'em, and nothin' else; not a bit of trade, or
+speckelation, or any airthly thing but to see them cussed
+Falls, and come as near as 100 cents to a dollar, startin'
+off without sein' 'em arter all. If it hadn't a been for
+that are Britisher I was sold, that's a fact. Can I run
+down there and back in half an hour in time for the
+stage?'
+
+"'Yes, Sir, but you will have no time to see them.'
+
+"'See 'em, cuss 'em, I don't want to see 'em, I tell you.
+I want to look at 'em, I want to say I was to the Falls,
+that's all. Give me my hat, quick! So them ain't the
+Falls! I ha'n't see'd the Falls of Niagara arter all.
+What a devil of a take-in that is, ain't it?' And he dove
+down stairs like a Newfoundland dog into a pond arter a
+stone, and out of sight in no time.
+
+"Now, you are as like Rufe, as two peas, Squire. You want
+to say, you was to Liverpool, but you don't want to see
+nothin'.'
+
+"Waiter."
+
+"Sir."
+
+"Is this Liverpool, I see out of the Winder?"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"Guess I have seen Liverpool then. So this is the great
+city of Liverpool, eh? When does the train start for
+London?"
+
+"In half an hour, Sir?"
+
+"Book me for London then, for I have been to Liverpool
+and seen the city. Oh, take your place, Squire, you have
+seen Liverpool; and if you see as much of all other
+places, as you have of this here one, afore you return
+home, you will know most as much of England as them do
+that never was there at all.
+
+"I am sorry too, you won't go, Squire," added he, "for
+minister seems kinder dull."
+
+"Don't say another word, Mr. Slick," said I; "every thing
+shall give way to him." And locking up my writing-desk
+I said: "I am ready."
+
+"Stop, Squire," said he, "I've got a favour to ask of
+you. Don't for gracious sake, say nothin' before Mr.
+Hopewell about that 'ere lark I had last night arter
+landin', it would sorter worry him, and set him off
+a-preachin', and I'd rather he'd strike me any time amost
+than lectur, for he does it so tender and kindly, it
+hurts my feelins _like_, a considerable sum. I've had a
+pretty how-do-ye-do about it this mornin', and have had
+to plank down handsum', and do the thing genteel; but
+Mister Landlord found, I reckon, he had no fool to deal
+with, nother. He comes to me, as soon as I was cleverly
+up this mornin', lookin' as full of importance, as Jube
+Japan did when I put the Legation button on him.
+
+"'Bad business this, Sir,' says he; 'never had such a
+scene in my house before, Sir; have had great difficulty
+to prevent my sarvants takin' the law of you.'
+
+"'Ah,' sais I to myself, 'I see how the cat jumps; here's
+a little tid bit of extortion now; but you won't find
+that no go, I don't think.'
+
+"'You will have to satisfy them, Sir,' says he, 'or take
+the consequences.'
+
+"'Sartainly,' said I, 'any thin' you please: I leave it
+entirely to you; jist name what you think proper, and I
+will liquidate it.'
+
+"'I said, I knew you would behave like a gentleman, Sir,'
+sais he, 'for, sais I, don't talk to me of law, name it
+to the gentleman, and he'll do what is right; he'll behave
+liberal, you may depend.'
+
+"'You said right,' sais I, 'and now, Sir, what's the
+damage?'
+
+"'Fifty pounds, I should think about the thing, Sir,'
+said he.
+
+"'Certainly,' said I, 'you shall have the fifty pounds,
+but you must give me a receipt in full for it.'
+
+"'By all means,' said he, and he was a cuttin' off full
+chisel to get a stamp, when I sais, 'Stop,' sais I,
+'uncle, mind and put in the receipt, the bill of items,
+and charge 'em separate?'
+
+"'Bill of items? sais he.
+
+"'Yes,' sais I, 'let me see what each is to get. Well,
+there's the waiter, now. Say to knockin' down the waiter
+and kicking him, so much; then there's the barmaid so
+much, and so on. I make no objection, I am willin' to
+pay all you ask, but I want to include all, for I intend
+to post a copy of it in the elegant cabins of each of
+our splendid New York Liners. This house convenes the
+Americans--they all know _me_. I want them to know how
+their _Attache_ was imposed on, and if any American ever
+sets foot in this cussed house agin I will pay his bill,
+and post that up too, as a letter of credit for him.'
+
+"'You wouldn't take that advantage of me, Sir?' said he.
+
+"'I take no advantage,' sais I. 'I'll pay you what you
+ask, but you shall never take advantage agin of another
+free and enlightened American citizen, I can tell you.'
+
+"'You must keep your money then, Sir,' said he, 'but this
+is not a fair deal; no gentleman would do it.'
+
+"'What's fair, I am willin' to do,' sais I; 'what's
+onfair, is what you want to do. Now, look here: I knocked
+the waiter down; here is two sovereigns for him; I won't
+pay him nothin' for the kickin', for that I give him out
+of contempt, for not defendin' of himself. Here's three
+sovereigns for the bar-maid; she don't ought to have
+nothin', for she never got so innocent a kiss afore, in
+all her born days I know, for I didn't mean no harm, and
+she never got so good a one afore nother, that's a fact;
+but then _I_ ought to pay, I do suppose, because I hadn't
+ought to treat a lady that way; it was onhansum', that's
+fact; and besides, it tante right to give the galls a
+taste for such things. They come fast enough in the
+nateral way, do kisses, without inokilatin' folks for
+'em. And here's a sovereign for the scoldin' and siscerarin'
+you gave the maid, that spilt the coals and that's an
+eend of the matter, and I don't want no receipt.'
+
+"Well, he bowed and walked off, without sayin' of a word."
+
+Here Mr. Hopewell joined us, and we descended to the
+street, to commence our perambulation of the city; but
+it had begun to rain, and we were compelled to defer it
+until the next day.
+
+"Well, it ain't much matter, Squire," said Mr. Slick:
+"ain't that Liverpool, I see out of the winder? Well,
+then I've been to Liverpool. Book me for London. So I
+have seen Liverpool at last, eh! or, as Rufus said, I
+have felt it too, for this wet day reminds me of the rest
+of his story.
+
+"In about a half hour arter Rufus raced off to the Falls,
+back he comes as hard as he could tear, a-puffing and a
+blowin' like a sizeable grampus. You never seed such a
+figure as he was, he was wet through and through, and
+the dry dust stickin' to his clothes, made him look like
+a dog, that had jumped into the water, and then took a
+roll in the road to dry hisself; he was a caution to look
+at, that's a fact.
+
+"'Well,' sais I, 'Stranger, did you see the Falls?'
+
+"'Yes,' sais he, 'I have see'd 'em and felt 'em too;
+them's very wet Falls, that's a fact. I hante a dry rag
+on me; if it hadn't a been for that ere Britisher, I
+wouldn't have see'd 'em at all, and yet a thought I had
+been there all the time. It's a pity too, that that winder
+don't bear on it, for then you could see it without the
+trouble of goin' there, or gettin' ducked, or gettin'
+skeered so. I got an awful fright there--I shall never
+forget it, if I live as long as Merusalem. You know I
+hadn't much time left, when. I found out I hadn't been
+there arter all, so I ran all the way, right down as hard
+as I could clip; and, seein' some folks comin' out from
+onder the Fall, I pushed strait in, but the noise actilly
+stunned me, and the spray wet me through and through like
+a piece of sponged cloth; and the great pourin', bilin'
+flood, blinded me so I couldn't see a bit; and I hadn't
+gone far in, afore a cold, wet, clammy, dead hand, felt
+my face all over. I believe in my soul, it was the Indian
+squaw that went over the Falls in the canoe, or the crazy
+Englisher, that tried to jump across it.
+
+"'Oh creation, how cold it was! The moment that spirit
+rose, mine fell, and I actilly thought I should have
+dropt lumpus, I was so skeered. Give me your hand, said
+Ghost, for I didn't see nothin' but a kinder dark shadow.
+Give me your hand. I think it must ha' been the squaw,
+for it begged for all the world, jist like an Indgian.
+I'd see you hanged fust, said I; I wouldn't touch that
+are dead tacky hand o' yourn' for half a million o' hard
+dollars, cash down without any ragged eends; and with
+that, I turned to run out, but Lord love you I couldn't
+run. The stones was all wet and slimy, and onnateral
+slippy, and I expected every minute, I should heels up
+and go for it: atween them two critters the Ghost and
+the juicy ledge, I felt awful skeered I tell _you_. So
+I begins to say my catechism; what's your name, sais I?
+Rufus Dodge. Who gave you that name? Godfather and
+godmother granny Eells. What did they promise for you?
+That I should renounce the devil and all his
+works--works--works--I couldn't get no farther, I stuck
+fast there, for I had forgot it.
+
+"'The moment I stopt, ghost kinder jumped forward, and
+seized me by my mustn't-mention'ems, and most pulled the
+seat out. Oh dear! my heart most went out along with it,
+for I thought my time had come. You black she-sinner of
+a heathen Indgian! sais I; let me go this blessed minite,
+for I renounce the devil and all his works, the devil
+and all his works--so there now; and I let go a kick
+behind, the wickedest you ever see, and took it right in
+the bread basket. Oh, it yelled and howled and screached
+like a wounded hyaena, till my ears fairly cracked agin.
+I renounce you, Satan, sais I; I renounce you, and the
+world, and the flesh and the devil. And now, sais I, a
+jumpin' on terry firm once more, and turnin' round and
+facin' the enemy, I'll promise a little dust more for
+myself, and that is to renounce Niagara, and Indgian
+squaws, and dead Britishers, and the whole seed, breed
+and generation of 'em from this time forth, for evermore.
+Amen.
+
+"'Oh blazes! how cold my face is yet. Waiter, half a
+pint of clear cocktail; somethin' to warm me. Oh, that
+cold hand! Did you ever touch a dead man's hand? it's
+awful cold, you may depend. Is there any marks on my
+face? do you see the tracks of the fingers there?'
+
+"'No, Sir,' sais I,' I can't say I do.'
+
+"'Well, then I feel them there,' sais he, 'as plain as
+any thing.'
+
+"'Stranger,' sais I, 'it was nothin' but some poor
+no-souled critter, like yourself, that was skeered a'most
+to death, and wanted to be helped out that's all."
+
+"'Skeered!' said he, 'sarves him right then; he might
+have knowed how to feel for other folks, and not funkify
+them so peskily; I don't keer if he never gets out; but
+I have my doubts about its bein' a livin' human, I tell
+_you_. If I hadn't a renounced the devil and all his
+works that time, I don't know what the upshot would have
+been, for Old Scratch was there too. I saw him as plain
+as I see you; he ran out afore me, and couldn't stop or
+look back, as long as I said catekism. He was in his old
+shape of the sarpent; he was the matter of a yard long,
+and as thick round as my arm and travelled belly-flounder
+fashion; when I touched land, he dodged into an eddy,
+and out of sight in no time. Oh, there is no mistake,
+I'll take my oath of it; I see him, I did upon my soul.
+It was the old gentleman hisself; he come there to cool
+hisself. Oh, it was the devil, that's a fact.'
+
+"'It was nothin' but a fresh water eel,' sais I; 'I have
+seen thousands of 'em there; for the crevices of them
+rocks are chock full of 'em. How can you come for to go,
+for to talk arter that fashion; you are a disgrace to
+our great nation, you great lummokin coward, you. An
+American citizen is afeerd of nothin', but a bad
+spekilation, or bein' found oat.'
+
+"Well, that posed him, he seemed kinder bothered, and
+looked down.
+
+"'An eel, eh! well, it mought be an eel,' sais be, 'that's
+a fact. I didn't think of that; but then if it was, it
+was god-mother granny Eells, that promised I should
+renounce the devil and all his works, that took that
+shape, and come to keep me to my bargain. She died fifty
+years ago, poor old soul, and never kept company with
+Indgians, or niggers, or any such trash. Heavens and
+airth! I don't wonder the Falls wakes the dead, it makes
+such an everlastin' almighty noise, does Niagara. Waiter,
+more cocktail, that last was as weak as water.'
+
+"'Yes, Sir,' and he swallered it like wink.
+
+"'The stage is ready, Sir.'
+
+"'Is it?' said he, and he jumped in all wet as he was;
+for time is money and he didn't want to waste neither.
+As it drove off, I heerd him say, 'Well them's the Falls,
+eh! So I have seen the Falls of Niagara and felt 'em too,
+eh!'
+
+"Now, we are better off than Rufus Dodge was, Squire;
+for we hante got wet, and we hante got frightened, but
+we can look out o' the winder and say, 'Well, that's
+Liverpool, eh! so I have--seen Liverpool.'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+CHANGING A NAME.
+
+The rain having confined us to the house this afternoon,
+we sat over our wine after dinner longer than usual.
+Among the different topics that were discussed, the most
+prominent was the state of the political parties in this
+country. Mr. Slick, who paid great deference to the
+opinions of Mr. Hopewell, was anxious to ascertain from
+him what he thought upon the subject, in order to regulate
+his conduct and conversation by it hereafter.
+
+"Minister," said he, "what do you think of the politics
+of the British?"
+
+"I don't think about them at all, Sam. I hear so much of
+such matters at home, that I am heartily tired of them;
+our political world is divided into two classes, the
+knaves and the dupes. Don't let us talk of such exciting,
+things."
+
+"But, Minister," said Mr. Slick, "holdin' the high and
+dignified station I do, as Attache, they will be a-pumpin'
+me for everlastinly, will the great men here, and they
+think a plaguy sight more of our opinion than you are
+aware on; we have tried all them things they are a jawin'
+about here, and they naterally want to know the results.
+Cooper says not one Tory called on him when he was to
+England, but Walter Scott; and that I take it, was more
+lest folks should think he was jealous of him, than any
+thing else; they jist cut him as dead as a skunk; but
+among the Whigs, he was quite an oracle on ballot,
+univarsal suffrage, and all other democratic institutions."
+
+"Well, he was a ninny then, was Cooper, to go and blart
+it all out to the world that way; for if no Tory visited
+him, I should like you to ask him the next time you see
+him, how many gentlemen called upon him? Jist ask him
+that, and it will stop him from writing such stuff any
+more."
+
+"But, Minister, jist tell us now, here you are, as a body
+might say in England, now what are you?"
+
+"I am a man, Sam; _Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum
+puto_."
+
+"Well, what's all that when it's fried?"
+
+"Why, that when away from home, I am a citizen of the
+world. I belong to no party, but take an interest in the
+whole human family."
+
+" Well, Minister, if you choose to sing dumb, you can,
+but I should like to have you answer me one question now,
+and if you won't, why you must jist do t'other thing,
+that's all. Are you a Consarvative?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Are you a Whig?"
+
+"No."
+
+"A Radical?"
+
+"God forbid!"
+
+"What in natur' are you then?"
+
+"A Tory."
+
+"A Tory! well, I thought that a Tory and a Consarvative,
+were as the Indgians say, "all same one brudder." Where
+is the difference?"
+
+"You will soon find that out, Sam; go and talk to a
+Consarvative as a Tory, and you will find he is a Whig:
+go and talk to him again as a Whig, and you will find he
+is a Tory. They are, for all the world, like a sturgeon.
+There is very good beef steaks in a sturgeon, and very
+good fish too, and yet it tante either fish or flesh. I
+don't like taking a new name, it looks amazing like taking
+new principles, or, at all events, like loosenin' old
+ones, and I hante seen the creed of this new sect yet--I
+don't know what its tenets are, nor where to go and look
+for 'em. It strikes me they don't accord with the Tories,
+and yet arn't in tune with the Whigs, but are half a note
+lower than the one, and half a note higher than t'other.
+Now, changes in the body politic are always necessary
+more or less, in order to meet the changes of time, and
+the changes in the condition of man. When they are
+necessary, make 'em, and ha' done with 'em. Make 'em like
+men, not when you are forced to do so, and nobody thanks
+you, but when you see they are wanted, and are proper;
+but don't alter your name.
+
+"My wardens wanted me to do that; they came to me, and
+said 'Minister,' says they, 'we don't want _you_ to
+change, we don't ask it; jist let us call you a Unitarian,
+and you can remain Episcopalian still. We are tired of
+that old fashioned name, it's generally thought unsuited
+to the times, and behind the enlightment of the age; it's
+only fit for benighted Europeans. Change the name, you
+needn't change any thing else. What is a name?'
+
+"'Every thing,' says I, 'every thing, my brethren; one
+name belongs to a Christian, and the other don't; that's
+the difference. I'd die before I surrendered my name;
+for in surrenderin' that, I surrender my principles.'"
+
+"Exactly," said Mr. Slick, "that's what Brother Eldad
+used to say. 'Sam,' said he, 'a man with an _alias_ is
+the worst character in the world; for takin' a new name,
+shows he is ashamed of his old one; and havin' an old
+one, shows his new one is a cheat.'"
+
+"No," said Mr. Hopewell, "I don't like that word
+Consarvative. Them folks may be good kind of people, and
+I guess they be, seein' that the Tories support 'em,
+which is the best thing I see about them; but I don't
+like changin' a name."
+
+"Well, I don't know," said Mr. Slick, "p'raps their old
+name was so infarnal dry rotted, they wanted to change
+it for a sound new one. You recollect when that
+super-superior villain, Expected Thorne, brought an action
+of defamation agin' me, to Slickville, for takin' away
+his character, about stealing the watch to Nova Scotia;
+well, I jist pleaded my own case, and I ups and sais,
+'Gentlemen of the Jury,' sais I, "Expected's character,
+every soul knows, is about the wust in all Slickville.
+If I have taken it away, I have done him a great sarvice,
+for he has a smart chance of gettin' a better one; and
+if he don't find a swap to his mind, why no character is
+better nor a bad one.'
+
+"Well, the old judge and the whole court larfed right
+out like any thin'; and the jury, without stirrin' from
+the box, returned a vardict for the defendant. P'raps
+now, that mought be the case with the Tories."
+
+"The difference," said Mr. Hopewell, is jist this:--your
+friend, Mr. Expected Thorne, had a name he had ought to
+have been ashamed of, and the Tories one that the whole
+nation had very great reason to be proud of. There is
+some little difference, you must admit. My English
+politics, (mind you, I say English, for they hare no
+reference to America,) are Tory, and I don't want to go
+to Sir Robert Peel, or Lord John Russell either."
+
+"As for Johnny Russell," said Mr. Slick, "he is a clever
+little chap that; he--"
+
+"Don't call him Johnny Russell," said Mr. Hopewell, "or
+a little chap, or such flippant names, I don't like to
+hear you talk that way. It neither becomes you as a
+Christian nor a gentleman. St. Luke and St. Paul, when
+addressing people of rank, use the word '[Greek text]'
+which, as nearly as possible, answers to the title of
+'your Excellency.' Honour, we are told, should be given
+to those to whom honour is due; and if we had no such
+authority on the subject, the omission of titles, where
+they are usual and legal, is, to say the least of it, a
+vulgar familiarity, ill becoming an Attache of our embassy.
+But as I was saying, I do not require to go to either of
+those statesmen to be instructed in my politics. I take
+mine where I take my religion, from the Bible. 'Fear
+God, honour the King, and meddle not with those that are
+given to change.'"
+
+"Oh, Minister," said Mr. Slick, "you mis't a figur at
+our glorious Revolution, you had ought to have held on
+to the British; they would have made a bishop of you,
+and shoved you into the House of Lords, black apron, lawn
+sleeves, shovel hat and all, as sure as rates. 'The right
+reverend, the Lord Bishop of Slickville:' wouldn't it
+look well on the back of a letter, eh? or your signature
+to one sent to me, signed 'Joshua Slickville.' It sounds
+better, that, than 'Old Minister,' don't it?"
+
+"Oh, if you go for to talk that way, Sam, I am done; but
+I will shew you that the Tories are the men to govern
+this great nation. A Tory I may say '_noscitur a sociis_.'"
+
+"What in natur is that, when it's biled and the skin took
+off?" asked Mr. Slick.
+
+"Why is it possible you don't know that? Have you forgotten
+that common schoolboy phrase?"
+
+"Guess I do know; but it don't tally jist altogether
+nohow, as it were. Known as a Socialist, isn't it?"
+
+"If, Sir," said Mr. Hopewell, with much earnestness, "if
+instead of ornamenting your conversation with cant terms,
+and miserable slang, picked up from the lowest refuse of
+our population, both east and west, you had cultivated
+your mind, and enriched it with quotations from classical
+writers, you would have been more like an Attache, and
+less like a peddling clockmaker than you are."
+
+"Minister," said Mr. Slick, "I was only in jeest, but
+you are in airnest. What you have said is too true for
+a joke, and I feel it. I was only a sparrin'; but you
+took off the gloves, and felt my short ribs in a way that
+has given me a stitch in the side. It tante fair to kick
+that way afore you are spurred. You've hurt me
+considerable."
+
+"Sam, I am old, narvous, and irritable. I was wrong to
+speak unkindly to you, very wrong indeed, and I am sorry
+for it; but don't teaze me no more, that's a good lad;
+for I feel worse than you do about it. I beg your pardon,
+I--"
+
+"Well," said Mr. Slick, "to get back to what we was a
+sayin', for you do talk like a book, that's a fact;
+'_noscitur a sociis_,' says you."
+
+"Ay, 'Birds of a feather flock together,' as the old
+maxim goes. Now, Sam, who supported the Whigs?"
+
+"Why, let me see; a few of the lords, a few of the gentry,
+the repealers, the manufacturin' folks, the independents,
+the baptists, the dissentin' Scotch, the socialists, the
+radicals, the discontented, and most of the lower orders,
+and so on."
+
+"Well, who supported the Tories?"
+
+"Why, the majority of the lords, the great body of landed
+gentry, the univarsities, the whole of the Church of
+England, the whole of the methodists, amost the principal
+part of the kirk, the great marchants, capitalists,
+bankers, lawyers, army and navy officers, and soon."
+
+"Now don't take your politics from me, Sam, for I am no
+politician; but as an American citizen, judge for yourself,
+which of those two parties is most likely to be right,
+or which would you like to belong to."
+
+"Well, I must say," replied he, "I _do_ think that the
+larnin', piety, property, and respectability, is on the
+Tory side; and where all them things is united, right
+most commonly is found a-joggin' along in company."
+
+"Well now, Sam, you know we are a calculatin' people, a
+commercial people, a practical people. Europe laughs at
+us for it. Perhaps if they attended better to their own
+financial affairs, they would be in a better situation
+to laugh. But still we must look to facts and results.
+How did the Tories, when they went out of office, leave
+the kingdom?--At peace?"
+
+"Yes, with all the world."
+
+"How did the Whigs leave it?"
+
+"With three wars on hand, and one in the vat a-brewin'
+with America. Every great interest injured, some ruined,
+and all alarmed at the impendin' danger--of national
+bankruptcy."
+
+"Well, now for dollars and cents. How did the Tories
+leave the treasury?"
+
+"With a surplus revenue of millions."
+
+"How did the Whigs?"
+
+"With a deficiency that made the nation scratch their
+head, and stare agin."
+
+"I could go through the details with you, as far as my
+imperfect information extends, or more imperfect memory
+would let me; but it is all the same, and always will
+be, here, in France, with us, in the colonies, and
+everywhere else. Whenever property, talent, and virtue
+are all on one side, and only ignorant numbers, with a
+mere sprinkling of property and talent to agitate 'em
+and make use of 'em, or misinformed or mistaken virtue
+to sanction 'em on the other side, no honest man can take
+long to deliberate which side he will choose.
+
+"As to those conservatives, I don't know what to say,
+Sam; I should like to put you right if I could. But I'll
+tell you what puzzles me. I ask myself what is a Tory?
+I find he is a man who goes the whole figur' for the
+support of the monarchy, in its three orders, of king,
+lords, and commons, as by law established; that he is
+for the connexion of Church and State and so on; and that
+as the wealthiest man in England, he offers to prove his
+sincerity, by paying the greatest part of the taxes to
+uphold these things. Well, then I ask what is Consarvitism?
+I am told that it means, what it imports, a conservation
+of things as they are. Where, then, is the difference?
+_If there is no difference, it is a mere juggle to change
+the name: if there is a difference, the word is worse
+than a juggle, for it don't import any_."
+
+"Tell you what," said Mr. Slick, "I heerd an old critter
+to Halifax once describe 'em beautiful. He said he could
+tell a man's politicks by his shirt. 'A Tory, Sir,' said
+he, for he was a pompious old boy was old Blue-Nose; 'a
+Tory, Sir,' said he, 'is a gentleman every inch of him,
+stock, lock, and barrel; and he puts a clean frill shirt
+on every day. A Whig, Sir,' says he, 'is a gentleman
+every other inch of him, and he puts an onfrilled one on
+every other day. A Radical, Sir, ain't no gentleman at
+all, and he only puts one on of a Sunday. But a Chartist,
+Sir, is a loafer; he never puts one on till the old one
+won't hold together no longer, and drops off in, pieces.'"
+
+"Pooh!" said Mr. Hopewell, "now don't talk nonsense; but
+as I was a-goin' to say, I am a plain man, and a
+straightforward man, Sam; what I say, I mean; and what
+I mean, I say. Private and public life are subject to
+the same rules; and truth and manliness are two qualities
+that will carry you through this world much better than
+policy, or tact, or expediency, or any other word that
+ever was devised to conceal, or mystify a deviation from
+the straight line. They have a sartificate of character,
+these consarvitives, in having the support of the Tories;
+but that don't quite satisfy me. It may, perhaps, mean
+no more than this, arter all--they are the best sarvants
+we have; but not as good as we want. However, I shall
+know more about it soon; and when I do, I will give you
+my opinion candidly. One thing, however, is certain, a
+change in the institutions of a country I could accede
+to, approve, and support, if necessary and good; but I
+never can approve of either an individual or a
+party--'_changing a name_.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+THE NELSON MONUMENT.
+
+The following day being dry, we walked out to view the
+wonders of this great commercial city of England, Liverpool.
+The side-paths were filled with an active and busy
+population, and the main streets thronged with heavily-laden
+waggons, conveying to the docks the manufactures of the
+country, or carrying inward the productions of foreign
+nations. It was an animating and busy scene.
+
+"This," said Mr. Hopewell, "is solitude. It is in a place
+like this, that you feel yourself to be an isolated being,
+when you are surrounded by multitudes who have no sympathy
+with you, to whom you are not only wholly unknown, but
+not one of whom you have ever seen before.
+
+"The solitude of the vast American forest is not equal
+to this. Encompassed by the great objects of nature, you
+recognise nature's God every where; you feel his presence,
+and rely on his protection. Every thing in a city is
+artificial, the predominant idea is man; and man, under
+circumstances like the present, is neither your friend
+nor protector. You form no part of the social system
+here. Gregarious by nature, you cannot associate; dependent,
+you cannot attach yourself; a rational being, you cannot
+interchange ideas. In seeking the wilderness you enter
+the abode of solitude, and are naturally and voluntarily
+alone. On visiting a city, on the contrary, you enter
+the residence of man, and if you are forced into isolation
+there, to you it is worse than a desert.
+
+"I know of nothing so depressing as this feeling of
+unconnected individuality, amidst a dense population like
+this. But, my friend, there is One who never forsakes us
+either in the throng or the wilderness, whose ear is
+always open to our petitions, and who has invited us to
+rely on his goodness and mercy."
+
+"You hadn't ought to feel lonely here, Minister," said
+Mr. Slick. "It's a place we have a right to boast of is
+Liverpool; we built it, and I'll tell you what it is, to
+build two such cities as New York and Liverpool in the
+short time we did, is sunthin' to brag of. If there had
+been no New York, there would have been no Liverpool;
+but if there had been no Liverpool, there would have been
+a New York though. They couldn't do nothin' without us.
+We had to build them elegant line-packets for 'em; they
+couldn't build one that could sail, and if she sail'd
+she couldn't steer, and if she sail'd and steer'd, she
+upsot; there was always a screw loose somewhere.
+
+"It cost us a great deal too to build them ere great
+docks. They cover about seventy acres, I reckon. We have
+to pay heavy port dues to keep 'em up, and pay interest
+on capital. The worst of it is, too, while we pay for
+all this, we hante got the direction of the works."
+
+"If you have paid for all these things," said I, "you
+had better lay claim to Liverpool. Like the disputed
+territory (to which it now appears, you knew you had no
+legal or equitable claim), it is probable you will have
+half of it ceded to you, for the purpose of conciliation.
+I admire this boast of yours uncommonly. It reminds me
+of the conversation we had some years ago, about the
+device on your "naval button," of the eagle holding an
+anchor in its claws--that national emblem of ill-directed
+ambition and vulgar pretension."
+
+"I thank you for that hint," said Mr. Slick, "I was in
+jeest like; but there is more in it, for all that, than
+you'd think. It ain't literal fact, but it is figurative
+truth. But now I'll shew you sunthin' in this town, that's
+as false as parjury, sunthin that's a disgrace to this
+country and an insult to our great nation, and there is
+no jeest in it nother, but a downright lie; and, since
+you go for to throw up to me our naval button with its
+'eagle and anchor,' I'll point out to you sunthin' a
+hundred thousand million times wus. What was the name o'
+that English admiral folks made such a touss about; that
+cripple-gaited, one-eyed, one-armed little naval critter?"
+
+"Do you mean Lord Nelson?"
+
+"I do," said he, and pointing to his monument, he continued,
+" There he is as big as life, five feet nothin', with
+his shoes on. Now examine that monument, and tell me if
+the English don't know how to brag, as well as some other
+folks, and whether they don't brag too sumtimes, when
+they hante got no right to. There is four figures there
+a representing the four quarters of the globe in chains,
+and among them America, a crouchin' down, and a-beggin'
+for life, like a mean heathen Ingin. Well, jist do the
+civil now, and tell me when that little braggin' feller
+ever whipped us, will you? Just tell me the day of the
+year he was ever able to do it, since his mammy cut the
+apron string and let him run to seek his fortin'. Heavens
+and airth, we'd a chawed him right up!
+
+"No, there never was an officer among you, that had any
+thing to brag of about us but one, and he wasn't a
+Britisher--he was a despisable Blue-nose colonist boy of
+Halifax. When his captain was took below wounded, he was
+leftenant, so he jist ups and takes command o' the Shannon,
+and fit like a tiger and took our splendid frigate the
+Chesapeake, and that was sumthing to brag on. And what
+did he get for it? Why colony sarce, half-pay, and leave
+to make room for Englishers to go over his head; and here
+is a lyin' false monument, erected to this man that never
+even see'd one of our national ships, much less smelt
+thunder and lightning out of one, that English like, has
+got this for what he didn't do.
+
+"I am sorry Mr. Lett [Footnote: This was the man that
+blew up the Brock monument in Canada. _He was a Patriot_.]
+is dead to Canada, or I'd give him a hint about this.
+I'd say, 'I hope none of our free and enlightened citizens
+will blow this lyin', swaggerin', bullyin' monument up?
+I should be sorry for 'em to take notice of such vulgar
+insolence as this; for bullies will brag.' He'd wink and
+say, 'I won't non-concur with you, Mr. Slick. I hope it
+won't be blowed up; but wishes like dreams come con_trary_
+ways sometimes, and I shouldn't much wonder if it bragged
+till it bust some night.' It would go for it, that's a
+fact. For Mr. Lett has a kind of nateral genius for
+blowin' up of monuments.
+
+"Now you talk of our Eagle takin' an anchor in its claws
+as bad taste. I won't say it isn't; but it is a nation
+sight better nor this. See what the little admiral critter
+is about! why he is a stampin' and a jabbin' of the iron
+heel of his boot into the lifeless body of a fallen foe!
+It's horrid disgustin', and ain't overly brave nother;
+and to make matters wus, as if this warn't bad enough,
+them four emblem figures, have great heavy iron chains
+on 'em, and a great enormous sneezer of a lion has one
+part o' the chain in its mouth, and is a-growlin' and
+a-grinnin' and a-snarling at 'em like mad, as much as to
+say, 'if you dare to move the sixteen hundredth part of
+an inch, I will fall to and make mincemeat of you, in
+less than half no time. I don't think there never was
+nothin' so bad as this, ever seen since the days of old
+daddy Adam down to this present blessed day, I don't
+indeed. So don't come for to go, Squire, to tarnt me with
+the Eagle and the anchor no more, for I don't like it a
+bit; you'd better look to your '_Nelson monument_' and
+let us alone. So come now!"
+
+Amidst much that was coarse, and more that was exaggerated,
+there was still some foundation for the remarks of the
+Attache.
+
+"You arrogate a little too much to yourselves," I observed,
+"in considering the United States as all America. At the
+time these brilliant deeds were achieved, which this
+monument is intended to commemorate, the Spaniards owned
+a very much greater portion of the transatlantic continent
+than you now do, and their navy composed a part of the
+hostile fleets which were destroyed by Lord Nelson. At
+that time, also, you had no navy, or at all events, so
+few ships, as scarcely to deserve the name of one; nor
+had you won for yourselves that high character, which
+you now so justly enjoy, for skill and gallantry. I agree
+with you, however, in thinking the monument is in bad
+taste. The name of Lord Nelson is its own monument. It
+will survive when these perishable structures, which the
+pride or the gratitude of his countrymen have erected to
+perpetuate his fame, shall have mouldered into dust, and
+been forgotten for ever. If visible objects are thought
+necessary to suggest the mention of his name oftener that
+it would otherwise occur to the mind, they should be such
+as to improve the taste, as well as awaken the patriotism
+of the beholder. As an American, there is nothing to
+which you have a right to object, but as a critic, I
+admit that there is much that you cannot approve in the
+'_Nelson Monument_.'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+COTTAGES.
+
+On the tenth day after we landed at Liverpool, we arrived
+in London and settled ourselves very comfortably in
+lodgings at No. 202, Piccadilly, where every possible
+attention was paid to us by our landlord and his wife,
+Mr. and Mrs. Weeks. We performed the journey in a
+post-chaise, fearing that the rapid motion of a rail car
+might have an unpleasant effect upon the health of Mr.
+Hope well.
+
+Of the little incidents of travel that occurred to us,
+or of the various objects of attraction on the route, it
+is not my intention to give any account. Our journey was
+doubtless much like the journeys of other people, and
+every thing of local interest is to be found in Guide
+Books, or topographical works, which are within the reach
+of every body.
+
+This book, however imperfect its execution may be, is
+altogether of another kind. I shall therefore pass over
+this and other subsequent journeys, with no other remark,
+than that they were performed, until something shall
+occur illustrative of the objects I have in view.
+
+On this occasion I shall select from my diary a description
+of the labourer's cottage, and the parish church; because
+the one shews the habits, tastes, and condition of the
+poor of this country, in contrast with that of America--and
+the other, the relative means of religious instruction,
+and its effect on the lower orders.
+
+On the Saturday morning, while preparing to resume our
+journey, which was now nearly half completed, Mr. Hopewell
+expressed a desire to remain at the inn where we were,
+until the following Monday. As the day was fine, he said
+he should like to ramble about the neighbourhood, and
+enjoy the fresh air. His attention was soon drawn to some
+very beautiful new cottages.
+
+"These," said he, "are no doubt erected at the expense,
+and for the gratification of some great landed proprietor.
+They are not the abodes of ordinary labourers, but designed
+for some favoured dependant or aged servant. They are
+expensive toys, but still they are not without their use.
+They diffuse a taste among the peasantry--they present
+them with models, which, though they cannot imitate in
+costliness of material or finish, they can copy in
+arrangement, and in that sort of decoration, which flowers,
+and vines, and culture, and care can give. Let us seek
+one which is peculiarly the poor man's cottage, and let
+us go in and see who and what they are, how they live,
+and above all, how they think and talk. Here is a lane,
+let us follow it, till we come to a habitation."
+
+We turned into a grass road, bounded on either side by
+a high straggling thorn hedge. At its termination was an
+irregular cottage with a thatched roof, which projected
+over the windows in front. The latter were latticed with
+diamond-shaped panes of glass, and were four in number,
+one on each side of the door and two just under the roof.
+The door was made of two transverse parts, the upper half
+of which was open. On one side was a basket-like cage
+containing a magpie, and on the other, a cat lay extended
+on a bench, dozing in the warmth of the sun. The blue
+smoke, curling upwards from a crooked chimney, afforded
+proof of some one being within.
+
+We therefore opened a little gate, and proceeded through
+a neat garden, in which flowers and vegetables were
+intermixed. It had a gay appearance from the pear, apple,
+thorn and cherry being all in full bloom. We were received
+at the door by a middle-aged woman, with the ruddy glow
+of health on her cheeks, and dressed in coarse, plain,
+but remarkably neat and suitable, attire. As this was a
+cottage selected at random, and visited without previous
+intimation of our intention, I took particular notice of
+every thing I saw, because I regarded its appearance as
+a fair specimen of its constant and daily state.
+
+Mr. Hopewell needed no introduction. His appearance told
+what he was. His great stature and erect bearing, his
+intelligent and amiable face, his noble forehead, his
+beautiful snow-white locks, his precise and antique dress,
+his simplicity of manner, every thing, in short, about
+him, at once attracted attention and conciliated favour.
+
+Mrs. Hodgins, for such was her name, received us with
+that mixture of respect and ease, which shewed she was
+accustomed to converse with her superiors. She was
+dressed in a blue homespun gown, (the sleeves of which
+were drawn up to her elbows and the lower part tucked
+through her pocket-hole,) a black stuff petticoat, black
+stockings and shoes with the soles more than half an inch
+thick. She wore also, a large white apron, and a neat
+and by no means unbecoming cap. She informed us her
+husband was a gardener's labourer, that supported his
+family by his daily work, and by the proceeds of the
+little garden attached to the house, and invited us to
+come in and sit down.
+
+The apartment into which the door opened, was a kitchen
+or common room. On one side, was a large fire-place,
+the mantel-piece or shelf, of which was filled with brass
+candlesticks, large and small, some queer old-fashioned
+lamps, snuffers and trays, polished to a degree of
+brightness, that was dazzling. A dresser was carried
+round the wall, filled with plates and dishes, and
+underneath were exhibited the ordinary culinary utensils,
+in excellent order. A small table stood before the fire,
+with a cloth of spotless whiteness spread upon it, as if
+in preparation for a meal. A few stools completed the
+furniture.
+
+Passing through this place, we were shewn into the parlour,
+a small room with a sanded floor. Against the sides were
+placed some old, dark, and highly polished chairs, of
+antique form and rude workmanship. The walls were decorated
+with several coloured prints, illustrative of the Pilgrim's
+Progress and hung in small red frames of about six inches
+square. The fire-place was filled with moss, and its
+mantel-shelf had its china sheep and sheperdesses, and
+a small looking-glass, the whole being surmounted by a
+gun hung transversely. The Lord's Prayer and the Ten
+Commandments worked in worsted, were suspended in a wooden
+frame between the windows, which had white muslin blinds,
+and opened on hinges, like a door. A cupboard made to
+fit the corner, in a manner to economise room, was filled
+with china mugs, cups and saucers of different sizes and
+patterns, some old tea-spoons and a plated tea-pot.
+
+There was a small table opposite to the window, which
+Contained half a dozen books. One of these was large,
+handsomely bound, and decorated with gilt edged paper.
+Mr. Hopewell opened it, and expressed great satisfaction
+at finding such an edition of a bible in such a house.
+Mrs. Hodgins explained that this was a present from her
+eldest son, who had thus appropriated his first earnings
+to the gratification of his mother.
+
+"Creditable to you both, dear," said Mr. Hopewell: "to
+you, because it is a proof how well you have instructed
+him; and to him, that he so well appreciated and so
+faithfully remembered those lessons of duty."
+
+He then inquired into the state of her family, whether
+the boy who was training a peach-tree against the end of
+the house was her son, and many other matters not necessary
+to record with the same precision that I have enumerated
+the furniture.
+
+"Oh, here is a pretty little child!" said he. "Come here,
+dear, and shake hands along with me. What beautiful hair
+she has! and she looks so clean and nice, too. Every
+thing and every body here is so neat, so tidy, and so
+appropriate. Kiss me, dear; and then talk to me; for I
+love little children. 'Suffer them to come unto me,' said
+our Master, 'for of such is the kingdom of Heaven:' that
+is, that we should resemble these little ones in our
+innocence."
+
+He then took her on his knee. "Can you say the Lord's
+Prayer, dear?"
+
+"Yes, Sir."
+
+"Very good. And the ten Commandments?"
+
+"Yes, Sir."
+
+"Who taught you?"
+
+"My mother, Sir; and the parson taught me the Catechism."
+
+"Why, Sam, this child can say the Lord's Prayer, the ten
+Commandments, and the Catechism. Ain't this beautiful?
+Tell me the fifth, dear."
+
+And the child repeated it distinctly and accurately.
+
+"Right. Now, dear, always bear that in mind, especially
+towards your mother. You have an excellent mother; her
+cares and her toils are many; and amidst them all, how
+well she has done her duty to you. The only way she can
+be repaid, is to find that you are what she desires you
+to be, a good girl. God commands this return to be made,
+and offers you the reward of length of days. Here is a
+piece of money for you. And now, dear," placing her again
+upon her feet, "you never saw so old a man as me, and
+never will again; and one, too, that came from a far-off
+country, three thousand miles off; it would take you a
+long time to count three thousand; it is so far. Whenever
+you do what you ought not, think of the advice of the
+'old Minister.'"
+
+Here Mr. Slick beckoned the mother to the door, and
+whispered something to her, of which, the only words that
+met my ear were "a trump," "a brick," "the other man like
+him ain't made yet," "do it, he'll talk, then."
+
+To which she replied, "I have--oh yes, Sir--by all means."
+
+She then advanced to Mr. Hopewell, and asked him if he
+would like to smoke.
+
+"Indeed I would, dear, but I have no pipe here."
+
+She said her old man smoked of an evening, after his work
+was done, and that she could give him a pipe and some
+tobacco, if he would condescend to use them; and going
+to the cupboard, she produced a long white clay pipe and
+some cut tobacco.
+
+Having filled and lighted his pipe, Mr. Hopewell said,
+"What church do you go to, dear?"
+
+"The parish church, Sir."
+
+"Right; you will hear Sound doctrine and good morals
+preached there. Oh this a fortunate country, Sam, for
+the state provides for the religious instruction of the
+poor. Where the voluntary system prevails, the poor have
+to give from their poverty, or go without; and their
+gifts are so small, that they can purchase but little.
+It's a beautiful system, a charitable system, a Christian
+system. Who is your landlord?"
+
+"Squire Merton, Sir; and one of the kindest masters, too,
+that ever was. He is so good to the poor; and the ladies.
+Sir, they are so kind, also. When my poor daughter Mary
+was so ill with the lever, I do think she would have died
+but for the attentions of those young ladies; and when
+she grew better, they sent her wine and nourishing things
+from their own table. They will be so glad to see you.
+Sir, at the Priory. Oh, I wish you could see them!"
+
+"There it is, Sam," he continued "That illustrates what
+I always told you of their social system here. We may
+boast of our independence, but that independence produces
+isolation. There is an individuality about every man and
+every family in America, that gives no right of inquiry,
+and imposes no duty of relief on any one. Sickness, and
+sorrow, and trouble, are not divulged; joy, success, and
+happiness are not imparted. If we are independent in
+our thoughts and actions, so are we left to sustain the
+burden of our own ills. How applicable to our state is
+that passage of Scripture, 'The heart knoweth its own
+bitterness, and a stranger intermeddleth not with its
+joy.'
+
+"Now, look at this poor family; here is a clergyman
+provided for them, whom they do not, and are not even
+expected to pay; their spiritual wants are ministered
+to, faithfully and zealously, as we see by the instruction
+of that little child. Here is a friend upon whom they
+can rely in their hour of trouble, as the bereaved mother
+did on Elisha. 'And she went up and laid her child that
+was dead on the bed of the man of God, and shut the door
+on him, and went out.' And when a long train of agitation,
+mis-government, and ill-digested changes have deranged
+this happy country, as has recently been the case, here
+is an indulgent landlord, disposed to lower his rent or
+give further time for payment, or if sickness invades
+any of these cottages, to seek out the sufferer, to afford
+the remedies, and by his countenance, his kindness, and
+advice, to alleviate their trouble. Here it is, a positive
+duty arising from their relative situations of landlord
+and tenant. The tenants support the owner, the landlord
+protects the tenants: the duties are reciprocal.
+
+"With _us_ the duties, as far as Christian duties can be
+said to be optional, are voluntary; and the voluntary
+discharge of duties, like the voluntary support of
+religion, we know, from sad experience, to be sometimes
+imperfectly performed, at others intermitted, and often
+wholly neglected. Oh! it is a happy country this, a great
+and a good country; and how base, how wicked, how diabolical
+it is to try to set such a family as this against their
+best friends, their pastor and their landlord; to instil
+dissatisfaction and distrust into their simple minds,
+and to teach them to loathe the hand, that proffers
+nothing but regard or relief. It is shocking, isn't it?"
+
+"That's what I often say, Sir," said Mrs. Hodgins, "to
+my old man, to keep away from them Chartists."
+
+"Chartists! dear, who are they? I never heard of them."
+
+"Why, Sir, they are the men that want the five pints."
+
+"Five pints! why you don't say so; oh! they are bad men,
+have nothing to do with them. Five pints! why that is
+two quarts and a half; that is too much to drink if it
+was water; and if any thing else, it is beastly drunkenness.
+Have nothing to do with them."
+
+"Oh! no, Sir, it is five points of law."
+
+"Tut--tut--tut! what have you got to do with law, my
+dear?"
+
+"By gosh, Aunty," said Mr. Slick, "you had better not
+cut that pie: you will find it rather sour in the apple
+sarce, and tough in the paste, I tell _you_."
+
+"Yes, Sir," she replied, "but they are a unsettling of
+his mind. What shall I do? for I don't like these night
+meetings, and he always comes home from 'em cross and
+sour-like."
+
+"Well, I am sorry to hear that," said Mr. Hopewell, "I
+wish I could see him; but I can't, for I am bound on a
+journey. I am sorry to hear it, dear. Sam, this country
+is so beautiful, so highly cultivated, so adorned by
+nature and art, and contains so much comfort and happiness,
+that it resembles almost the garden of Eden. But, Sam,
+the Serpent is here, the Serpent is here beyond a doubt.
+It changes its shape, and alters its name, and takes a
+new colour, but still it is the Serpent, and it ought to
+be crushed. Sometimes it calls itself liberal, then
+radical, then chartist, then agitator, then repealer,
+then political dissenter, then anti-corn leaguer, and so
+on. Sometimes it stings the clergy, and coils round them,
+and almost strangles them, for it knows the Church is
+its greatest enemy, and it is furious against it. Then
+it attacks the peers, and covers them with its froth and
+slaver, and then it bites the landlord. Then it changes
+form, and shoots at the Queen, or her ministers, and sets
+fire to buildings, and burns up corn to increase distress;
+and, when hunted away, it dives down into the collieries,
+or visits the manufactories, and maddens the people, and
+urges them on to plunder and destruction. It's a melancholy
+thing to think of; but he is as of old, alive and active,
+seeing whom he can allure and deceive, and whoever listens
+is ruined for ever.
+
+"Stay, dear, I'll tell you what I will do for you. I'll
+inquire about these Chartists; and when I go to London,
+I will write a little tract so plain that any child may
+read it and understand it; and call it _The Chartist_,
+and get it printed, and I will send you one for your
+husband, and two or three others, to give to those whom
+they may benefit.
+
+"And now, dear, I must go. You and I will never meet
+again in this world; but I shall often think of you, and
+often speak of you. I shall tell my people of the comforts,
+of the neatness, of the beauty of an English cottage.
+May God bless you, and so regulate your mind as to preserve
+in you a reverence for his holy word, an obedience to
+the commands of your Spiritual Pastor, and a respect for
+all that are placed in authority over you!"
+
+"Well, it is pretty, too, is this cottage," said Mr.
+Slick, as we strolled back to the inn, "but the
+handsumestest thing is to hear that good old soul talk
+dictionary that way, aint it? How nateral he is! Guess
+they don't often see such a 'postle as that in these
+diggins. Yes, it's pretty is this cottage; but it's small,
+arter all. You feel like a squirrel in a cage, in it;
+you have to run round and round, and don't go forward
+none. What would a man do with a rifle here? For my part,
+I have a taste for the wild woods; it comes on me regular
+in the fall, like the lake fever, and I up gun, and off
+for a week or two, and camp out, and get a snuff of the
+spruce-wood air, and a good appetite, and a bit of fresh
+ven'son to sup on at night.
+
+"I shall be off to the highlands this fall; but, cuss
+em, they hante got no woods there; nothin' but heather,
+and thats only high enough to tear your clothes. That's
+the reason the Scotch don't wear no breeches, they don't
+like to get 'em ragged up that way for everlastinly, they
+can't afford it; so they let em scratch and tear their
+skin, for that will grow agin, and trowsers won't.
+
+"Yes, it's a pretty cottage that, and a nice tidy body
+that too, is Mrs. Hodgins. I've seen the time when I
+would have given a good deal to have been so well housed
+as that. There is some little difference atween that
+cottage and a log hut of a poor back emigrant settler,
+you and I know where. Did ever I tell you of the night
+I spent at Lake Teal, with old Judge Sandford?"
+
+"No, not that I recollect."
+
+"Well, once upon a time I was a-goin' from Mill-bridge
+to Shadbrooke, on a little matter of bisness, and an
+awful bad and lonely road it was, too. There was scarcely
+no settlers in it, and the road was all made of sticks,
+stones, mud holes, and broken bridges. It was een amost
+onpassible, and who should I overtake on the way but the
+Judge, and his guide, on horseback, and Lawyer Traverse
+a-joggin' along in his gig, at the rate of two miles an
+hour at the fardest.
+
+"'Mornin,' sais the Judge, for he was a sociable man,
+and had a kind word for every body, had the Judge. Few
+men 'know'd human natur' better nor he did, and what he
+used to call the philosophy of life. 'I am glad to see
+you on the road, Mr. Slick, sais he, 'for it is so bad
+I am afraid there are places that will require our united
+efforts to pass 'em.'
+
+"Well, I felt kinder sorry for the delay too, for I know'd
+we should make a poor journey on't, on account of that
+lawyer critter's gig, that hadn't no more busness on that
+rough track than a steam engine had. But I see'd the
+Judge wanted me to stay company, and help him along, and
+so I did. He was fond of a joke, was the old Judge, and
+sais he,
+
+"'I'm afraid we shall illustrate that passage o' Scriptur',
+Mr. Slick,' said he, '"And their judges shall be overthrown
+in stony places." It's jist a road for it, ain't it?'
+
+"Well we chattered along the road this way a leetle, jist
+a leetle faster than we travelled, for we made a snail's
+gallop of it, that's a fact; and night overtook us, as
+I suspected it would, at Obi Rafuse's, at the Great Lake;
+and as it was the only public for fourteen miles, and
+dark was settin' in, we dismounted, but oh, what a house
+it was!
+
+"Obi was an emigrant, and those emigrants are ginerally
+so fond of ownin' the soil, that like misers, they carry
+as much of it about 'em on their parsons, in a common
+way, as they cleverly can. Some on 'em are awful dirty
+folks, that's a fact, and Obi was one of them. He kept
+public, did Obi; the sign said it was a house of
+entertainment for man and beast. For critters that ain't
+human, I do suppose it spoke the truth, for it was enough
+to make a hoss larf, if he could understand it, that's
+a fact; but dirt, wretchedness and rags, don't have that
+effect on me.
+
+"The house was built of rough spruce logs, (the only
+thing spruce about it), with the bark on, and the cracks
+and seams was stuffed with moss. The roof was made of
+coarse slabs, battened and not shingled, and the chimbly
+peeped out like a black pot, made of sticks and mud, the
+way a crow's nest is. The winders were half broke out,
+and stopped up with shingles and old clothes, and a great
+bank of mud and straw all round, reached half way up to
+the roof, to keep the frost out of the cellar. It looked
+like an old hat on a dung heap. I pitied the old Judge,
+because he was a man that took the world as he found it,
+and made no complaints. He know'd if you got the best,
+it was no use complainin' that the best warn't good.
+
+"Well, the house stood alone in the middle of a clearin',
+without an outhouse of any sort or kind about it, or any
+fence or enclosure, but jist rose up as a toodstool grows,
+all alone in the field. Close behind it was a thick short
+second growth of young birches, about fifteen feet high,
+which was the only shelter it had, and that was on the
+wrong side, for it was towards the south.
+
+"Well, when we alighted, and got the baggage off, away
+starts the guide with the Judge's traps, and ups a path
+through the woods to a settler's, and leaves us. Away
+down by the edge of the lake was a little barn, filled
+up to the roof with grain and hay, and there was no
+standin' room or shelter in it for the hosses. So the
+lawyer hitches his critter to a tree, and goes and fetches
+up some fodder for him, and leaves him for the night, to
+weather it as he could. As soon as he goes in, I takes Old
+Clay to the barn, for it's a maxim of mine always to look
+out arter number one, opens the door, and pulls out sheaf
+arter sheaf of grain as fast as I could, and throws it
+out, till I got a place big enough for him to crawl in.
+
+"'Now,' sais I, 'old boy,' as I shot to the door arter
+him, 'if that hole ain't big enough for you, eat away
+till it is, that's all.'
+
+"I had hardly got to the house afore the rain, that had
+threatened all day, came down like smoke, and the wind
+got up, and it blew like a young hurricane, and the lake
+roared dismal; it was an awful night, and it was hard to
+say which was wus, the Storm or the shelter.
+
+"'Of two evils,' sais I to the lawyer, 'choose the least.
+It ain't a bad thing to be well housed in a night like
+this, is it?'
+
+"The critter groaned, for both cases was so 'bad he didn't
+know which to take up to defend, so he grinned horrid
+and said nothin'; and it was enough to make him grin too,
+that's a fact. He looked as if he had got hold on a bill
+o' pains and penalties instead of a bill of costs that
+time, you may depend.
+
+"Inside of the house was three rooms, the keepin' room,
+where we was all half circled round the fire, and two
+sleepin' rooms off of it. One of these Obi had, who was
+a-bed, groanin', coughin', and turnin' over and over all
+the time on the creakin' bedstead with pleurisy; t'other
+was for the judge. The loft was for the old woman, his
+mother, and the hearth, or any other soft place we could
+find, was allocated for lawyer and me.
+
+"What a scarecrow lookin' critter old aunty was, warn't
+she? She was all in rags and tatters, and though she
+lived 'longside of the lake the best part of her emigrant
+life, had never used water since she was christened. Her
+eyes were so sunk in her head, they looked like two burnt
+holes in a blanket. Her hair was pushed back, and tied
+so tight with an eel-skin behind her head, it seemed to
+take the hide with it. I 'most wonder how she ever shot
+to her eyes to go to sleep. She had no stockins on her
+legs, and no heels to her shoes, so she couldn't lift
+her feet up, for fear of droppin' off her slippers; but
+she just shoved and slid about as if she was on ice. She
+had a small pipe in her mouth, with about an inch of a
+stem, to keep her nose warm, and her skin was so yaller
+and wrinkled, and hard and oily, she looked jist like a
+dried smoked red herrin', she did upon my soul.
+
+"The floor of the room was blacker nor ink, because that
+is pale sometimes; and the utenshils, oh, if the fire
+didn't purify 'em now and ag'in, all the scrubbin' in
+the world wouldn't, they was past that. Whenever the door
+was opened, in run the pigs, and the old woman hobbled
+round arter them, bangin' them with a fryin' pan, till
+she seemed out o' breath. Every time she took less and
+less notice of 'em, for she was 'most beat out herself,
+and was busy a gettin' of the tea-kettle to bile, and it
+appeared to me she was a-goin' to give in and let 'em
+sleep with me and the lawyer, near the fire.
+
+"So I jist puts the tongs in the sparklin' coals and
+heats the eends on 'em red hot, and the next time they
+comes in, I watches a chance, outs with the tongs, and
+seizes the old sow by the tail, and holds on till I singes
+it beautiful. The way she let go ain't no matter, but if
+she didn't yell it's a pity, that's all. She made right
+straight for the door, dashed in atween old aunty's legs,
+and carries her out on her back, ridin' straddle-legs
+like a man, and tumbles her head over heels in the duck
+pond of dirty water outside, and then lays down along
+side of her, to put the fire out in its tail and cool
+itself.
+
+"Aunty took up the screamin' then, where the pig left
+off; but her voice warn't so good, poor thing! she was
+too old for that, it sounded like a cracked bell; it was
+loud enough, but it warn't jist so clear. She came in
+drippin' and cryin' and scoldin'; she hated water, and
+what was wus, this water made her dirtier. It ran off of
+her like a gutter. The way she let out agin pigs,
+travellers and houses of entertainment, was a caution to
+sinners. She vowed she'd stop public next mornin', and
+bile her kettle with the sign; folks might entertain
+themselves and be hanged to 'em, for all her, that they
+might. Then she mounted a ladder and goes up into the
+loft-to change.
+
+"'Judge' sais I, 'I am sorry, too, I singed that pig's
+tail arter that fashion, for the smell of pork chops
+makes me feel kinder hungry, and if we had 'em, no soul
+could eat 'em here in such a stye as this. But, dear me,'
+sais I, 'You'd better move, Sir; that old woman is juicy,
+and I see it a comin' through the cracks of the floor
+above, like a streak of molasses.
+
+"'Mr. Slick,' sais he, 'this is dreadful. I never saw
+any thing so bad before in all this country; but what
+can't be cured must be endured, I do suppose. We must
+only be good-natured and do the best we can, that's all.
+An emigrant house is no place to stop at, is it? There
+is a tin case,' sais he, 'containin' a cold tongue and
+some biscuits, in my portmanter; please to get them out.
+You must act as butler to-night, if you please; for I
+can't eat any thing that old woman touches.'
+
+"So I spreads one of his napkins on the table, and gets
+out the eatables, and then he produced a pocket pistol,
+for he was a sensible man was the judge, and we made a
+small check, for there warn't enough for a feed.
+
+"Arter that, he takes out a night-cap, and fits it on
+tight, and then puts on his cloak, and wraps the hood of
+it close over his head, and foldin' himself up in it, he
+went and laid down without ondressin'. The lawyer took
+a stretch for it on the bench, with his gig cushions for
+a pillar, and I makes up the fire, sits down on the chair,
+puts my legs up on the jamb, draws my hat over my eyes,
+and folds my arms for sleep.
+
+"'But fust and foremost,' sais I, 'aunty, take a drop of
+the strong waters: arter goin' the whole hog that way,
+you must need some,' and I poured her out a stiff corker
+into one of her mugs, put some sugar and hot water to
+it, and she tossed it off as if she railly did like it.
+
+"'Darn that pig,' said she, 'it is so poor, its back is
+as sharp as a knife. It hurt me properly, that's a fact,
+and has most broke my crupper bone.' And she put her hand
+behind her, and moaned piteous.
+
+"'Pig skin,' sais I, 'aunty, is well enough when made
+into a saddle, but it ain't over pleasant to ride on bare
+back that way,' sais I, 'is it? And them bristles ain't
+quite so soft as feathers, I do suppose.'
+
+"I thought I should a died a holdin' in of a haw haw that
+way. Stifling a larf a'most stifles oneself, that's a
+fact. I felt sorry for her, too, but sorrow won't always
+keep you from larfin', unless you be sorry for yourself.
+So as I didn't want to offend her I ups legs agin to the
+jam, and shot my eyes and tried to go to sleep.
+
+"Well, I can snooze through most any thin', but I couldn't
+get much sleep that night. The pigs kept close to the
+door, a shovin' agin it every now and then, to see all
+was right for a dash in, if the bears came; and the geese
+kept sentry too agin the foxes; and one old feller would
+squake out "all's well" every five minuts, as he marched
+up and down and back agin on the bankin' of the house.
+
+"But the turkeys was the wust. They was perched upon the
+lee side of the roof, and sometimes an eddy of wind would
+take a feller right slap off his legs, and send him
+floppin' and rollin' and sprawlin' and screamin' down to
+the ground, and then he'd make most as much fuss a-gettin'
+up into line agin. They are very fond of straight, lines
+is turkeys. I never see an old gobbler, with his gorget,
+that I don't think of a kernel of a marchin' regiment,
+and if you'll listen to him and watch him, he'll strut
+jist like one, and say, 'halt! dress!' oh, he is a military
+man is a turkey cock: he wears long spurs, carries a
+stiff neck, and charges at red cloth, like a trooper.
+
+"Well then a little cowardly good natured cur, that lodged
+in an empty flour barrel, near the wood pile, gave out
+a long doleful howl, now and agin, to show these outside
+passengers, if he couldn't fight for 'em, he could at
+all events cry for 'em, and it ain't every goose has a
+mourner to her funeral, that's a fact, unless it be the
+owner.
+
+"In the mornin' I wakes up, and looks round for lawyer,
+but he was gone. So I gathers up the brans, and makes
+up the fire, and walks out. The pigs didn't try to come
+in agin, you may depend, when they see'd me; they didn't
+like the curlin' tongs, as much as some folks do, and
+pigs' tails kinder curl naterally. But there was lawyer
+a-standin' up by the grove, lookin' as peeked and as
+forlorn, as an onmated loon.
+
+"'What's the matter of you, Squire?' sais I. 'You look
+like a man that was ready to make a speech; but your
+witness hadn't come, or you hadn't got no jury.'
+
+"'Somebody has stole my horse,' said he.
+
+"Well, I know'd he was near-sighted, was lawyer, and
+couldn't see a pint clear of his nose, unless it was a
+pint o' law. So I looks all round and there was his
+hoss, a-standin' on the bridge, with his long tail hanging
+down straight at one eend, and his long neck and head a
+banging down straight at t'other eend, so that you couldn't
+tell one from t'other or which eend was towards you. It
+was a clear cold mornin'. The storm was over and the wind
+down, and there was a frost on the ground. The critter
+was cold I suppose, and had broke the rope and walked
+off to stretch his legs. It was a monstrous mean night
+to be out in, that's sartain.
+
+"'There is your hoss,' sais I.
+
+"'Where?' sais he.
+
+"'Why on the bridge,' sais I; "he has got his head down
+and is a-lookin' atween his fore-legs to see where his
+tail is, for he is so cold, I do suppose he can't feel
+it.'
+
+"Well, as soon as we could, we started ; but afore we
+left, sais the Judge to me, 'Mr. Slick,' sais he, 'here
+is a plaister,' taking out a pound note, 'a plaister for
+the skin the pig rubbed off of the old woman. Give it to
+her, I hope it is big enough to cover it.' And he fell
+back on the bed, and larfed and coughed, and coughed and
+larfed, till the tears ran down his cheeks.
+
+"Yes," said Mr. Slick, "yes, Squire, this is a pretty
+cottage of Marm Hodgins; but we have cottages quite as
+pretty as this, our side of the water, arter all. They
+are not all like Obi Rafuses, the immigrant. The natives
+have different guess places, where you might eat off the
+floor a'most, all's so clean. P'raps we hante the hedges,
+and flowers, and vines and fixin's, and what-nots."
+
+"Which, alone," I said, "make a most important difference.
+No, Mr. Slick', there is nothing to be compared to this
+little cottage.
+
+"I perfectly agree with you, Squire," said Mr. Hopewell,
+"it is quite unique. There is not only nothing equal to
+it, but nothing of its kind at all like--_an English
+cottage_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+STEALING THE HEARTS OF THE PEOPLE.
+
+Shortly after our return to the inn, a carriage drove up
+to the door, and the cards of Mr. Merton, and the Reverend
+Mr. Homily, which were presented by the servant, were
+soon followed by the gentlemen themselves.
+
+Mr. Merton said he had been informed by Mrs. Hodgins of
+our visit to her cottage, and from her account of our
+conversation and persons, he was convinced we could be
+no other than the party described in the "Sayings and
+Doings of Mr. Samuel Slick," as about to visit England
+with the Attache. He expressed great pleasure in having
+the opportunity of making our acquaintance, and entreated
+us to spend a few days with him at the Priory. This
+invitation we were unfortunately compelled to decline,
+in consequence of urgent business in London, where our
+immediate presence was indispensable.
+
+The rector then pressed Mr. Hopewell to preach for him,
+on the following day at the parish church, which he also
+declined. He said, that he had no sermons with him, and
+that he had very great objections to extemporaneous
+preaching, which he thought should never be resorted to
+except in cases of absolute necessity. He, however, at
+last consented to do so, on condition that Mrs. Hodgins
+and her husband attended, and upon being assured that it
+was their invariable custom to be present, he said, he
+thought it not impossible, that he might make an impression
+upon _him_, and as it was his maxim never to omit an
+opportunity of doing good, he would with the blessing of
+God, make the attempt.
+
+The next day was remarkably fine, and as the scene was
+new to me, and most probably will be so to most of my
+colonial readers, I shall endeavour to describe it with
+some minuteness.
+
+We walked to the church by a path over the hills, and
+heard the bells of a number of little churches, summoning
+the surrounding population to the House of God. The roads
+and the paths were crowded with the peasantry and their
+children, approaching the church-yard in different
+directions. The church and the rectory were contiguous
+to each other, and situated in a deep dell.
+
+The former was a long and rather low structure, originally
+built of light coloured stone, which had grown grey with
+time. It had a large square steeple, with pointed corners,
+like turrets, each of which was furnished with a vane,
+but some of these ornaments were loose and turned round
+in a circle, while others stood still and appeared to be
+examining with true rustic curiosity, the condition of
+their neighbours.
+
+The old rectory stood close to the church and was very
+irregularly built, one part looking as if it had stepped
+forward to take a peep at us, and another as if endeavouring
+to conceal itself from view, behind a screen of ivy. The
+windows which were constructed of diamond-shaped glass,
+were almost square, and opened on hinges. Nearly half of
+the house was covered by a rose-tree, from which the
+lattices peered very inquisitively upon the assembled
+congregation. Altogether it looked like the residence
+of a vigilant man, who could both see and be unseen if
+he pleased.
+
+Near the door of the church were groups of men in their
+clean smock-frocks and straw hats, and of women in their
+tidy dark dresses and white aprons. The children all
+looked clean, healthy, and cheerful.
+
+The interior of the church was so unlike that of an
+American one, that my attention was irresistibly drawn
+to its peculiarities. It was low, and divided in the
+centre by an arch. The floor was of stone, and from long
+and constant use, very uneven in places. The pews were
+much higher on the sides than ours, and were unpainted
+and roughly put together; while the pulpit was a rude
+square box, and was placed in the corner. Near the door
+stood an ancient stone font, of rough workmanship, and
+much worn.
+
+The windows were long and narrow, and placed very high
+in the walls. On the one over the altar was a very old
+painting, on stained glass, of the Virgin, with a hoop
+and yellow petticoat, crimson vest, a fly cap, and very
+thick shoes. The light of this window was still further
+subdued by a fine old yew-tree, which stood in the yard
+close behind it.
+
+There was another window of beautifully stained glass,
+the light of which fell on a large monument, many feet
+square, of white marble. In the centre of this ancient
+and beautiful work of art, were two principal figures,
+with smaller ones kneeling on each side, having the hands
+raised in the attitude of prayer. They were intended to
+represent some of the ancestors of the Merton family.
+The date was as old as 1575. On various parts of the
+wall were other and ruder monuments of slate-stone,
+the inscriptions and dates of which were nearly
+effaced by time.
+
+The roof was of a construction now never seen in America;
+and the old oak rafters, which were more numerous, than
+was requisite, either for strength or ornament, were
+massive and curiously put together, giving this part of
+the building a heavy and gloomy appearance.
+
+As we entered the church, Mr. Hopewell said he had
+selected a text suitable to the times, and that he would
+endeavour to save the poor people in the neighbourhood
+from the delusions of the chartist demagogues, who, it
+appeared, were endeavouring to undermine the throne and
+the altar, and bring universal ruin upon the country.
+
+When he ascended the pulpit to preach, his figure, his
+great age, and his sensible and benevolent countenance,
+attracted universal attention. I had never seen him
+officiate till this day; but if I was struck with his
+venerable appearance before, I was now lost in admiration
+of his rich and deep-toned voice, his peculiar manner,
+and simple style of eloquence.
+
+He took for his text these words: "So Absalom stole the
+hearts of the men of Israel." He depicted, in a very
+striking manner, the arts of this intriguing and ungrateful
+man to ingratiate himself with the people, and render
+the government unpopular. He traced his whole course,
+from his standing at the crowded thoroughfare, and
+lamenting that the king had deputed no one to hear and
+decide upon the controversies of the people, to his
+untimely end, and the destruction of his ignorant followers.
+He made a powerful application of the seditious words of
+Absalom: "Oh that _I_ were a judge in the land, that
+every man which hath a suit or cause might come unto me,
+and _I_ would do him justice." He showed the effect of
+these empty and wicked promises upon his followers, who
+in the holy record of this unnatural rebellion are
+described as "men who went out in their simplicity, and
+knew not anything."
+
+He then said that similar arts were used in all ages for
+similar purposes; and that these professions of
+disinterested patriotism were the common pretences by
+which wicked men availed themselves of the animal force
+of those "who assemble in their simplicity, and know not
+any thing," to achieve their own personal aggrandisement,
+and warned them, to give no heed to such dishonest people.
+He then drew a picture of the real blessings they enjoyed
+in this happy country, which, though not without an
+admixture of evil, were as many and as great as the
+imperfect and unequal condition of man was capable either
+of imparting or receiving.
+
+Among the first of these, he placed the provision made
+by the state for the instruction of the poor, by means
+of an established Church. He said they would doubtless
+hear this wise and pious deed of their forefathers attacked
+also by unprincipled men; and falsehood and ridicule
+would be invoked to aid in the assault; but that he was
+a witness on its behalf, from the distant wilderness of
+North America, where the voice of gratitude was raised
+to England, whose missionaries had planted a church there
+similar to their own, and had proclaimed the glad tidings
+of salvation to those who would otherwise have still
+continued to live without its pale.
+
+He then pourtrayed in a rapid and most masterly manner
+the sin and the disastrous consequences of rebellion;
+pointed out the necessity that existed for vigilance and
+defined their respective duties to God, and to those who,
+by his permission, were set in authority over them; and
+concluded with the usual benediction, which, though I
+had heard it on similar occasions all my life, seemed
+now more efficacious, more paternal, and more touching
+than ever, when uttered by him, in his peculiarly
+patriarchal manner.
+
+The abstract I have just given, I regret to say, cannot
+convey any adequate idea of this powerful, excellent,
+and appropriate sermon. It was listened to with intense
+interest by the congregation, many of whom were affected
+to tears. In the afternoon we attended church again,
+when we heard a good, plain, and practical discourse from
+the rector; but, unfortunately, he had neither the talent,
+nor the natural eloquence of our friend, and, although
+it satisfied the judgment, it did not affect, the heart
+like that of the "Old Minister."
+
+At the door we met, on our return, Mrs. Hodgins. "Ah! my
+dear," said Mr. Hopewell, "how do you do? I am going to
+your cottage; but I am an old man now; take my arm--it
+will support me in my walk."
+
+It was thus that this good man, while honouring this poor
+woman, avoided the appearance of condescension, and
+received her arm as a favour to himself.
+
+She commenced thanking him for his sermon in the morning.
+She said it had convinced her William of the sin of the
+Chartist agitation, and that he had firmly resolved never
+to meet them again. It had saved him from ruin, and made
+her a happy woman.
+
+"Glad to hear it has done him good, my dear," said he;
+"it does me good, too, to hear its effect. Now, never
+remind him of past errors, never allude to them: make
+his home cheerful, make it the pleasantest place he can
+find any where, and he won't want to seek amusement
+elsewhere, or excitement either; for these seditious
+meetings intoxicate by their excitement. Oh! I am very
+glad I have touched him; that I have prevented these
+seditious men from 'stealing his heart.'"
+
+In this way they chatted, until they arrived at the
+cottage, which Hodgins had just reached by a shorter,
+but more rugged path.
+
+"It is such a lovely afternoon," said Mr. Hopewell, "I
+believe I will rest in this arbour here awhile, and enjoy
+the fresh breeze, and the perfume of your honeysuckles
+and flowers."
+
+"Wouldn't a pipe be better, Minister?" said Mr. Slick.
+"For my part, I don't think any thing equal to the flavour
+of rael good gene_wine_ first chop tobacco."
+
+"Well, it is a great refreshment, is tobacco," said Mr.
+Hopewell. "I don't care if I do take a pipe. Bring me
+one, Mr. Hodgins, and one for yourself also, and I will
+smoke and talk with you awhile, for they seem as natural
+to each other, as eating and drinking do."
+
+As soon as these were produced, Mr. Slick and I retired,
+and requested Mrs. Hodgins to leave the Minister and
+her husband together for a while, for as Mr. Slick
+observed, "The old man will talk it into him like a book;
+for if he was possessed of the spirit of a devil, instead
+of a Chartist, he is jist the boy to drive it out of
+him. Let him be awhile, and he'll tame old uncle there,
+like a cossit sheep; jist see if he don't, that's all."
+
+We then walked up and down the shady lane, smoking our
+cigars, and Mr. Slick observed, "Well, there is a nation
+sight of difference, too, ain't there, atween this country
+church, and a country meetin' house our side of the water;
+I won't say in your country or my country; but I say
+_our_ side of the water--and then it won't rile nobody;
+for your folks will say I mean the States, and our citizens
+will say I mean the colonies; but you and I know who the
+cap fits, one or t'other, or both, don't we?
+
+"Now here, this old-fashioned church, ain't quite up to
+the notch, and is a leetle behind the enlightment of the
+age like, with its queer old fixin's and what not; but
+still it looks solemcoly' don't it, and the dim light
+seems as if we warn't expected to be a lookin' about,
+and as if outer world was shot out, from sight and thort,
+and it warn't _man's_ house nother.
+
+"I don't know whether it was that dear old man's preachin',
+and he is a brick ain't he? or, whether it's the place,
+or the place and him together; but somehow, or somehow
+else, I feel more serious to-day than common, that's a
+fact. The people too are all so plain dressed, so decent,
+so devout and no show, it looks like airnest.
+
+"The only fashionable people here was the Squire's
+sarvants; and they _did_ look genteel, and no mistake.
+Elegant men, and most splendid lookin' women they was
+too. I thought it was some noble, or aid's, or big bug's
+family; but Mrs. Hodgins says they are the people of the
+Squire's about here, the butlers and ladies' maids; and
+superfine uppercrust lookin' folks they be too.
+
+"Then every body walks here, even Squire Merton and his
+splendiriferous galls walked like the poorest of the
+poor, there was no carriage to the door, nor no hosses
+hitched to the gate, or tied to the back of waggons, or
+people gossipin' outside; but all come in and minded
+their business, as if it was worth attendin' to; and then
+arter church was finished off, I liked the way the big
+folks talked to the little folks, and enquired arter
+their families. It may he actin', but if it is, it's
+plaguy good actin', I _tell_ you.
+
+"I'm a thinkin' it tante a rael gentleman that's proud,
+but only a hop. You've seen a hop grow, hante you? It
+shoots up in a night, the matter of several inches right
+out of the ground, as stiff as a poker, straight up and
+down, with a spick and span new green coat and a red
+nose, as proud as Lucifer. Well, I call all upstarts
+'hops,' and I believe it's only "hops" arter all that's
+scorny.
+
+"Yes, I kinder like an English country church, only it's
+a leetle, jist a leetle too old fashioned for me. Folks
+look a leetle too much like grandfather Slick, and the
+boys used to laugh at him, and call him a benighted
+Britisher. Perhaps that's the cause of my prejudice, and
+yet I must say, British or no British, it tante bad, is
+it?
+
+"The meetin' houses 'our side of the water,' no matter
+where, but away up in the back country, how teetotally
+different they be! bean't they? A great big, handsome
+wooden house, chock full of winders, painted so white as
+to put your eyes out, and so full of light within, that
+inside seems all out-doors, and no tree nor bush, nor
+nothin' near it but the road fence, with a man to preach
+in it, that is so strict and straight-laced he will do
+_any thing_ of a week day, and _nothin'_ of a Sunday.
+Congregations are rigged out in their spic and span bran
+new clothes, silks, satins, ribbins, leghorns, palmetters,
+kiss-me-quicks, and all sorts of rigs, and the men in
+their long-tail-blues, pig-skin pads calf-skin boots and
+sheep-skin saddle-cloths. Here they publish a book of
+fashions, there they publish 'em in meetin'; and instead
+of a pictur, have the rael naked truth.
+
+"Preacher there don't preach morals, because that's
+churchy, and he don't like neither the church nor its
+morals; but he preaches doctrine, which doctrine is,
+there's no Christians but themselves. Well, the fences
+outside of the meetin' house, for a quarter of a mile or
+so, each side of the house, and each side of the road,
+ain't to be seen for hosses and waggons, and gigs hitched
+there; poor devils of hosses that have ploughed, or
+hauled, or harrowed, or logged, or snaked, or somethin'
+or another all the week, and rest of a Sunday by alterin'
+their gait, as a man rests on a journey by a alterin' of
+his sturup, a hole higher or a hole lower. Women that
+has all their finery on can't walk, and some things is
+ondecent. It's as ondecent for a woman to be seen walkin'
+to meetin', as it is to be caught at--what shall I
+say?--why caught at attendin' to her business to home.
+
+"The women are the fust and the last to meetin'; fine
+clothes cost sunthin', and if they ain't showed, what's
+the use of them? The men folk remind me of the hosses to
+Sable Island. It's a long low sand-bank on Nova Scotia
+coast, thirty miles long and better is Sable Island, and
+not much higher than the water. It has awful breakers
+round it, and picks up a shockin' sight of vessels does
+that island. Government keeps a super-intender there and
+twelve men to save wracked people, and there is a herd
+of three hundred wild hosses kept there for food for
+saved crews that land there, when provision is short, or
+for super-intender to catch and break for use, as the
+case may be.
+
+"Well, if he wants a new hoss, he mounts his folks on
+his tame hosses, and makes a dash into the herd, and runs
+a wild feller down, lugs him off to the stable-yard, and
+breaks him in, in no time. A smart little hoss he is too,
+but he always has an _eye to natur'_ arterwards; _the
+change is too sudden_, and he'll off, if he gets a chance.
+
+"Now that's the case with these country congregations,
+we know where. The women and old tame men folk are,
+inside; the young wild boys and ontamed men folk are on
+the fences, outside a settin' on the top rail, a speculatin'
+on times or marriages, or markets, or what not, or a
+walkin' round and studyin' hoss flesh, or a talkin' of
+a swap to be completed of a Monday, or a leadin' off of
+two hosses on the sly of the old deacon's, takin' a lick
+of a half mile on a bye road, right slap a-head, and
+swearin' the hosses had got loose, and they was just a
+fetchin' of them back.
+
+"'Whose side-saddle is this?'
+
+"'Slim Sall Dowdie's.'
+
+"'Shift it on to the deacon's beast, and put his on to
+her'n and tie the two critters together by the tail. This
+is old Mother Pitcher's waggon; her hoss kicks like a
+grasshopper. Lengthen the breechin', and when aunty
+starts, he'll make all fly agin into shavin's, like a
+plane. Who is that a comin' along full split there a
+horseback?'
+
+"'It's old Booby's son, Tom. Well, it's the old man's
+shaft hoss; call out whoh! and he'll stop short, and
+pitch Tom right over his head on the broad of his back,
+whap.
+
+"Tim Fish, and Ned Pike, come scale up here with us boys
+on the fence.' The weight is too great; away goes the
+fence, and away goes the boys, all flyin'; legs, arms,
+hats, poles, stakes, withes, and all, with an awful crash
+and an awful shout; and away goes two or three hosses
+that have broke their bridles, and off home like wink.
+
+"Out comes Elder Sourcrout. 'Them as won't come in had
+better stay to home,' sais he. And when he hears that
+them as are in had better stay in when they be there, he
+takes the hint and goes back agin. 'Come, boys, let's go
+to Black Stump Swamp and sarch for honey. We shall be
+back in time to walk home with the galls from night
+meetin', by airly candle-light. Let's go.'
+
+"Well, when they want to recruit the stock of tame ones
+inside meetin', they sarcumvent some o' these wild ones
+outside; make a dash on 'em, catch 'em, dip 'em, and give
+'em a name; for all sects don't always baptise 'em as we
+do, when children, but let 'em grow up wild in the herd
+till they are wanted. They have hard work to break 'em
+in, for they are smart ones, that's a fact, but, like
+the hosses of Sable Island, they have always _an eye to
+natur'_ arterwards; _the change is too sudden_, you can't
+trust 'em, at least I never see one as _I_ could, that's
+all.
+
+"Well, when they come out o' meetin', look at the dignity
+and sanctity, and pride o' humility o' the tame old ones.
+Read their faces. 'How does the print go?' Why this way,
+'I am a sinner, at least I was once, but thank fortin'
+I ain't like you, you onconverted, benighted,
+good-for-nothin' critter you.' Read the ontamed one's
+face, what's the print there? Why it's this. As soon as
+he sees over-righteous stalk by arter that fashion, it
+says, 'How good we are, ain't we? Who wet his hay to
+the lake tother day, on his way to market, and made two
+tons weigh two tons and a half? You'd better look as if
+butter wouldn't melt in your mouth, hadn't you, old
+Sugar-cane?'
+
+"Now jist foller them two rulin' elders, Sourcrout and
+Coldslaugh; they are plaguy jealous of their neighbour,
+elder Josh Chisel, that exhorted to-day. 'How did you
+like Brother Josh, to-day?' says Sourcrout, a utterin'
+of it through his nose. Good men always speak through
+the nose. It's what comes out o' the mouth that defiles
+a man; but there is no mistake in the nose; it's the
+porch of the temple that. 'How did you like Brother Josh?'
+
+"'Well, he wasn't very peeowerful.'
+
+"'Was he ever peeowerful?'
+
+"'Well, when a boy, they say he was considerable sum as
+a wrastler.'
+
+"Sourcrout won't larf, because it's agin rules; but he
+gig goggles like a turkey-cock, and says he, 'It's for
+ever and ever the same thing with Brother Josh. He is
+like an over-shot mill, one everlastin' wishy-washy
+stream.'
+
+"'When the water ain't quite enough to turn the wheel,
+and only spatters, spatters, spatters,' says Coldslaugh.
+
+"Sourcrout gig goggles again, as if he was swallerin'
+shelled corn whole. 'That trick of wettin' the hay,' says
+he, 'to make it weigh heavy, warn't cleverly done; it
+ain't pretty to be caught; it's only bunglers do that.'
+
+"'He is so fond of temperance,' says Coldslaugh, 'he
+wanted to make his hay jine society, and drink cold water,
+too.'
+
+"Sourcrout gig goggles ag'in, till he takes a fit of the
+asmy, sets down on a stump, claps both hands on his sides,
+and coughs, and coughs till he finds coughing no joke no
+more. Oh dear, dear convarted men, though they won't larf
+themselves, make others larf the worst kind, sometimes;
+don't they?
+
+"I do believe, on my soul, if religion was altogether
+left to the voluntary in this world, it would die a
+nateral death; not that _men wouldn't support it_, but
+because it would be supported _under false pretences_.
+Truth can't be long upheld by falsehood. Hypocrisy would
+change its features, and intolerance its name; and religion
+would soon degenerate into a cold, intriguing, onprincipled,
+marciless superstition, that's a fact.
+
+"Yes, on the whole, I rather like these plain, decent,
+onpretendin', country churches here, although t'other
+ones remind me of old times, when I was an ontamed one
+too. Yes, I like an English church; but as for Minister
+pretendin' for to come for to go for to preach agin that
+beautiful long-haired young rebel, Squire Absalom, for
+'stealin' the hearts of the people,' why it's rather
+takin' the rag off the bush, ain't it?
+
+"Tell you what, Squire; there ain't a man in their whole
+church here, from Lord Canter Berry that preaches afore
+the Queen, to Parson Homily that preached afore us, nor
+never was, nor never will be equal to Old Minister hisself
+for 'stealin' the hearts of the people.'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+NATUR'.
+
+In the course of our journey, the conversation turned
+upon the several series of the "Clockmaker" I had published,
+and their relative merits. Mr. Slick appeared to think
+they all owed their popularity mainly to the freshness
+and originality of character incidental to a new country.
+
+"You are in the wrong pew here, Squire," said he; "you
+are, upon my soul. If you think to sketch the English in
+a way any one will stop to look at, you have missed a
+figur', that's all. You can't do it nohow; you can't fix
+it. There is no contrasts here, no variation of colours,
+no light and shade, no nothin'. What sort of a pictur'
+would straight lines of any thing make? Take a parcel of
+sodjers, officers and all, and stretch 'em out in a row,
+and paint 'em, and then engrave 'em, and put it into one
+of our annuals, and see how folks would larf, and ask,
+'What boardin'-school gall did that? Who pulled her up
+out of standin' corn, and sot her up on eend for an
+artist? they'd say.
+
+"There is nothin' here to take hold on. It's so plaguy
+smooth and high polished, the hands slip off; you can't
+get a grip of it. Now, take Lord First Chop, who is the
+most fashionable man in London, dress him in the last
+cut coat, best trowsers, French boots, Paris gloves, and
+grape-vine-root cane, don't forget his whiskers, or
+mous-stache, or breast-pins, or gold chains, or any thing;
+and what have you got?--a tailor's print-card, and nothin'
+else.
+
+"Take a lady, and dress her in a'most a beautiful long
+habit, man's hat, stand-up collar and stock, clap a
+beautiful little cow-hide whip in her hand, and mount
+her on a'most a splendiferous white hoss, with long tail
+and flowin' mane, a rairin' and a cavortin' like mad,
+and a champin' and a chawin' of its bit, and makin' the
+froth fly from its mouth, a spatterin' and white-spottin'
+of her beautiful trailin', skirt like any thing. And what
+have you got?--why a print like the posted hand-bills of
+a circus.
+
+"Now spit on your fingers, and rub Lord First Chop out
+of the slate, and draw an Irish labourer, with his coat
+off, in his shirt-sleeves, with his breeches loose and
+ontied at the knees, his yarn stockings and thick shoes
+on; a little dudeen in his mouth, as black as ink and as
+short as nothin'; his hat with devilish little rim and
+no crown to it, and a hod on his shoulders, filled with
+bricks, and him lookin' as if he was a singin' away as
+merry as a cricket:
+
+   When I was young and unmarried,
+      my shoes they were new.
+   But now I am old and am married,
+      the water runs troo,'
+
+Do that, and you have got sunthin' worth lookin' at,
+quite pictures-quee, as Sister Sall used to say. And
+because why? _You have got sunthin' nateral_.
+
+"Well, take the angylyferous dear a horseback, and rub
+her out, well, I won't say that nother, for I'm fond of
+the little critturs, dressed or not dressed for company,
+or any way they like, yes, I like woman-natur', I tell
+_you_. But turn over the slate, and draw on t'other side
+on't an old woman, with a red cloak, and a striped
+petticoat, and a poor pinched-up, old, squashed-in bonnet
+on, bendin' forrard, with a staff in her hand, a leadin'
+of a donkey that has a pair of yaller willow saddle-bags
+on, with coloured vegetables and flowers, and red beet-tops,
+a goin' to market. And what have you got? Why a pictur'
+worth lookin' at, too. Why?--_because it's natur'_.
+
+"Now, look here, Squire; let Copley, if he was alive,
+but he ain't; and it's a pity too, for it would have
+kinder happified the old man, to see his son in the House
+of Lords, wouldn't it? Squire Copley, you know, was a
+Boston man; and a credit to our great nation too. P'raps
+Europe never has dittoed him since.
+
+"Well, if he was above ground now, alive, and stirrin',
+why take him and fetch him to an upper crust London party;
+and sais you, 'Old Tenor,' sais you, 'paint all them
+silver plates, and silver dishes, and silver coverlids,
+and what nots; and then paint them lords with their
+_stars_, and them ladies' (Lord if he would paint them
+with their garters, folks would buy the pictur, cause
+that's nateral) 'them ladies with their jewels, and their
+sarvants with their liveries, as large as life, and twice
+as nateral.'
+
+"Well, he'd paint it, if you paid him for it, that's a
+fact; for there is no better bait to fish for us Yankees
+arter all, than a dollar. That old boy never turned up
+his nose at a dollar, except when he thought he ought to
+get two. And if he painted it, it wouldn't be bad, I
+tell _you_.
+
+"'Now,' sais you, 'you have done high life, do low life
+for me, and I will pay you well. I'll come down hansum,
+and do the thing genteel, you may depend. Then,' sais
+you, 'put in for a back ground that noble, old Noah-like
+lookin' wood, that's as dark as comingo. Have you done?'
+sais you.
+
+"'I guess so,' sais he.
+
+"'Then put in a brook jist in front of it, runnin' over
+stones, and foamin' and a bubblin' up like any thing.'
+
+"'It's in,' sais he.
+
+"'Then jab two forked sticks in the ground ten feet apart,
+this side of the brook,' sais you, 'and clap a pole across
+atween the forks. Is that down?' sais you.
+
+"'Yes,' sais he.
+
+"'Then,' sais you, 'hang a pot on that horizontal pole,
+make a clear little wood fire onderneath; paint two
+covered carts near it. Let an old hoss drink at the
+stream, and two donkeys make a feed off a patch of
+thistles. Have-you stuck that in?'
+
+"'Stop a bit,' says he, 'paintin' an't quite as fast done
+as writin'. Have a little grain of patience, will you?
+It's tall paintin', makin' the brush walk at that price.
+Now there you are,' sais he. 'What's next? But, mind
+I've most filled my canvass; it will cost you a pretty
+considerable penny, if you want all them critters in,
+when I come to cypher all the pictur up, and sumtotalize
+the whole of it.'
+
+"'Oh! cuss the cost!' sais you. 'Do you jist obey orders,
+and break owners, that's all you have to do, Old Loyalist.'
+
+"'Very well,' sais he, 'here goes.'
+
+"'Well, then,' sais you, 'paint a party of gipsies there;
+mind their different coloured clothes, and different
+attitudes, and different occupations. Here a man mendin'
+a harness, there a woman pickin' a stolen fowl, there a
+man skinnin' a rabbit, there a woman with her petticoat
+up, a puttin' of a patch in it. Here two boys a fishin',
+and there a little gall a playin' with a dog, that's a
+racin' and a yelpin', and a barkin' like mad.'
+
+"'Well, when he's done,' sais you, 'which pictur do you
+reckon is the best now, Squire Copely? speak candid for
+I want to know, and I ask you now as a countryman.'
+
+"'Well' he'll jist up and tell you, 'Mr. Poker,' sais
+he, 'your fashionable party is the devil, that's a fact.
+Man made the town, but God made the country. Your company
+is as formal, and as stiff, and as oninterestin' as a
+row of poplars; but your gipsy scene is beautiful, because
+it's nateral. It was me painted old Chatham's death in
+the House of Lords; folks praised it a good deal; but it
+was no great shakes, _there was no natur' in it_. The
+scene was real, the likenesses was good, and there was
+spirit in it, but their damned uniform toggery, spiled
+the whole thing--it was artificial, and wanted life and
+natur. Now, suppose, such a thing in Congress, or suppose
+some feller skiverd the speaker with a bowie knife as
+happened to Arkansaw, if I was to paint it, it would be
+beautiful. Our free and enlightened people is so different,
+so characteristic and peculiar, it would give a great
+field to a painter. To sketch the different style of man
+of each state, so that any citizen would sing right out;
+Heavens and airth if that don't beat all! Why, as I am
+a livin' sinner that's the Hoosier of Indiana, or the
+Sucker of Illinois, or the Puke of Missouri, or the Bucky
+of Ohio, or the Red Horse of Kentucky, or the Mudhead of
+Tennesee, or the Wolverine of Michigan or the Eel of New
+England, or the Corn Cracker of Virginia! That's the
+thing that gives inspiration. That's the glass of talabogus
+that raises your spirits. There is much of elegance,
+and more of comfort in England. It is a great and a good
+country, Mr. Poker, but there is no natur in it.'
+
+"It is as true as gospel," said Mr. Slick, "I'm tellin'
+you no lie. It's a fact. If you expect to paint them
+English, as you have the Blue-Noses and us, you'll pull
+your line up without a fish, oftener than you are a-thinkin'
+on; that's the reason all our folks have failed. 'Rush's
+book is jist molasses and water, not quite so sweet as
+'lasses, and not quite so good as water; but a spilin'
+of both. And why? His pictur was of polished life, where
+there is no natur. Washington Irving's book is like a
+Dutch paintin', it is good, because it is faithful; the
+mop has the right number of yarns, and each yarn has the
+right number of twists, (altho' he mistook the mop of
+the grandfather, for the mop of the man of the present
+day) and the pewter plates are on the kitchen dresser,
+and the other little notions are all there. He has done
+the most that could be done for them, but the painter
+desarves more praise than the subject.
+
+"Why is it every man's sketches of America takes? Do you
+suppose it is the sketches? No. Do you reckon it is the
+interest we create? No. Is it our grand experiments? No.
+They don't care a brass button for us, or our country,
+or experiments nother. What is it then? It is because
+they are sketches of natur. Natur in every grade and
+every variety of form; from the silver plate, and silver
+fork, to the finger and huntin' knife. Our artificials
+Britishers laugh at; they are bad copies, that's a fact;
+I give them up. Let them laugh, and be darned; but I
+stick to my natur, and I stump them to produce the like.
+
+"Oh, Squire, if you ever sketch me, for goodness gracious
+sake, don't sketch me as an Attache to our embassy, with
+the Legation button, on the coat, and black Jube Japan
+in livery. Don't do that; but paint me in my old waggon
+to Nova Scotier, with old Clay before me, you by my side,
+a segar in my mouth, and natur all round me. And if that
+is too artificial; oh, paint me in the back woods, with
+my huntin' coat on, my leggins, my cap, my belt, and my
+powder-horn. Paint me with my talkin' iron in my hand,
+wipin' her, chargin' her, selectin' the bullet, placin'
+it in the greased wad, and rammin' it down. Then draw a
+splendid oak openin' so as to give a good view, paint a
+squirrel on the tip top of the highest branch, of the
+loftiest tree, place me off at a hundred yards, drawin'
+a bead on him fine, then show the smoke, and young squire
+squirrel comin' tumblin' down head over heels lumpus',
+to see whether the ground was as hard as dead squirrels
+said it was. Paint me nateral, I besech you; for I tell
+you now, as I told you before, and ever shall say, there
+is nothin' worth havin' or knowin', or hearin', or readin',
+or seein', or tastin', or smellin', or feelin' and above
+all and more than all, nothin' worth affectionin' but
+_Natur_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+THE SOCDOLAGER.
+
+As soon as I found my friend Mr. Hopewell comfortably
+settled in his lodgings, I went to the office of the
+Belgian Consul and other persons to obtain the necessary
+passports for visiting Germany, where I had a son at
+school. Mr. Slick proceeded at the same time to the
+residence of his Excellency Abednego Layman, who had been
+sent to this country by the United States on a special
+mission, relative to the Tariff.
+
+On my return from the city in the afternoon, he told me
+he had presented his credentials to "the Socdolager,"
+and was most graciously and cordially received; but still,
+I could not fail to observe that there was an evident
+air of disappointment about him.
+
+"Pray, what is the meaning of the Socdolager?" I asked.
+"I never heard of the term before."
+
+"Possible!" said he, "never heerd tell of 'the Socdolager,'
+why you don't say so! The Socdolager is the President of
+the lakes--he is the whale of the intarnal seas--the
+Indgians worshipped him once on a time, as the king of
+fishes. He lives in great state in the deep waters, does
+the old boy, and he don't often shew himself. I never
+see'd him myself, nor any one that ever had sot eyes on
+him; but the old Indgians have see'd him and know him
+well. He won't take no bait, will the Socdolager; he
+can't be caught, no how you can fix, he is so 'tarnal
+knowin', and he can't be speared nother, for the moment
+he sees aim taken, he ryles the water and is out of sight
+in no tune. _He_ can take in whole shoals of others
+hisself, tho' at a mouthful. He's a whapper, that's a
+fact. I call our Minister here 'the Socdolager,' for our
+_di_plomaters were never known to be hooked once yet,
+and actilly beat all natur' for knowin' the soundin's,
+smellin' the bait, givin' the dodge, or rylin' the water;
+so no soul can see thro' it but themselves. Yes, he is
+'a Socdolager,' or a whale among _di_plomaters.
+
+"Well, I rigs up this morning, full fig, calls a cab,
+and proceeds in state to our embassy, gives what Cooper
+calls a lord's beat of six thund'rin' raps of the knocker,
+presents the legation ticket, and was admitted to where
+ambassador was. He is a very pretty man all up his shirt,
+and he talks pretty, and smiles pretty, and bows pretty,
+and he has got the whitest hand you ever see, it looks
+as white, as a new bread and milk poultice. It does
+indeed.
+
+"'Sam Slick,' sais he, 'as I'm alive. Well, how do you
+do, Mr. Slick? I am 'nation glad to see you, I affection
+you as a member of our legation. I feel kinder proud to
+have the first literary man of our great nation as my
+Attache.'
+
+"'Your knowledge of human natur, (added to your'n of soft
+sawder,' sais I,) 'will raise our great nation, I guess,
+in the scale o' European estimation.'
+
+"He is as sensitive as a skinned eel, is Layman, and he
+winced at that poke at his soft sawder like any thing,
+and puckered a little about the mouth, but he didn't say
+nothin', he only bowed. He was a Unitarian preacher once,
+was Abednego, but he swapt preachin' for politics, and
+a good trade he made of it too; that's a fact.
+
+"'A great change,' sais I, 'Abednego, since you was a
+preachin' to Connecticut and I was a vendin' of clocks
+to Nova Scotia, ain't it? Who'd a thought then, you'd a
+been "a Socdolager," and me your "pilot fish," eh!'
+
+"It was a raw spot, that, and I always touched him on it
+for fun.
+
+"'Sam,' said he, and his face fell like an empty puss,
+when it gets a few cents put into each eend on it, the
+weight makes it grow twice as long in a minute. 'Sam,'
+said he, 'don't call me that are, except when we are
+alone here, that's a good soul; not that I am proud, for
+I am a true Republican;' and he put his hand on his heart,
+bowed and smiled hansum, 'but these people will make a
+nickname of it, and we shall never hear the last of it;
+that's a fact. We must respect ourselves, afore others
+will respect us. You onderstand, don't you?'
+
+"'Oh, don't I,' sais I, 'that's all? It's only here I
+talks this way, because we are at home now; but I can't
+help a thinkin' how strange things do turn up sometimes.
+Do you recollect, when I heard you a-preachin' about Hope
+a-pitchin' of her tent on a hill? By gosh, it struck me
+then, you'd pitch, your tent high some day; you did it
+beautiful.'
+
+"He know'd I didn't like this change, that Mr. Hopewell
+had kinder inoculated me with other guess views on these
+matters, so he began to throw up bankments and to picket
+in the ground, all round for defence like.
+
+"'Hope,' sais he, 'is the attribute of a Christian, Slick,
+for he hopes beyond this world; but I changed on principle.'
+
+"'Well,' sais I, 'I changed on interest; now if our great
+nation is backed by principal and interest here, I guess
+its credit is kinder well built. And atween you and me,
+Abednego, that's more than the soft-horned British will
+ever see from all our States. Some on 'em are intarmined
+to pay neither debt nor interest, and give nothin' but
+lip in retarn.'
+
+"'Now,' sais he, a pretendin' to take no notice of this,'
+you know we have the Voluntary with us, Mr. Slick.' He
+said "_Mister_" that time, for he began to get formal on
+puppus to stop jokes; but, dear me, where all men are
+equal what's the use of one man tryin' to look big? He
+must take to growin' agin I guess to do that. 'You know
+we have the Voluntary with us, Mr. Slick,' sais he.
+
+"'Jist so,' sais I.
+
+"'Well, what's the meanin' of that?'
+
+"'Why,' sais I, 'that you support religion or let it
+alone, as you like; that you can take it up as a pedlar
+does his pack, carry it till you are tired, then lay it
+down, set on it, and let it support you."
+
+"'Exactly,' sais he; 'it is voluntary on the hearer, and
+it's jist so with the minister, too; for his preachin'
+is voluntary also. He can preach or lot it alone, as he
+likes. It's voluntary all through. It's a bad rule that
+won't work both ways.'
+
+"'Well,' says I, 'there is a good deal in that, too.' I
+said that just to lead him on.
+
+"'A good deal!' sais he, 'why it's every thing. But I
+didn't rest on that alone; I propounded this maxim to
+myself. Every man, sais I, is bound to sarve his fellow
+citizens to his utmost. That's true; ain't it, Mr. Slick?'
+
+"'Guess so,' sais I.
+
+"'Well then, I asked myself this here question: Can I
+sarve my fellow citizens best by bein' minister to Peach
+settlement, 'tendin' on a little village of two thousand
+souls, and preachin' my throat sore, or bein' special
+minister to Saint Jimses, and sarvin' our great Republic
+and its thirteen millions? Why, no reasonable man can
+doubt; so I give up preachin'.'
+
+"'Well,' sais I, 'Abednego, you are a Socdolager, that's
+a fact; you are a great man, and a great scholard. Now
+a great scholard, when he can't do a sum the way it's
+stated, jist states it so--he _can_ do it. Now the right
+way to state that sum is arter this fashion: "Which is
+best, to endeavour to save the souls of two thousand
+people under my spiritual charge, or let them go to Old
+Nick and save a piece of wild land in Maine, get pay for
+an old steamer burnt to Canada, and uphold the slave
+trade for the interest of the States.'
+
+"'That's specious, but not true,' said he; 'but it's a
+matter rather for my consideration than your'n,' and he
+looked as a feller does when he buttons his trowsers'
+pocket, as much as to say, you have no right to be a
+puttin' of your pickers and stealers in there, that's
+mine. 'We will do better to be less selfish,' said he,
+'and talk of our great nation.'
+
+"'Well,' says I, 'how do we stand here in Europe? Do we
+maintain the high pitch we had, or do we sing a note
+lower than we did?'
+
+"Well, he walked up and down the room, with his hands
+onder his coat-tails, for ever so long, without a sayin'
+of a word. At last, sais he, with a beautiful smile that
+was jist skin deep, for it played on his face as a
+cat's-paw does on the calm waters, 'What was you a sayin.'
+of, Mr. Slick?' saw he.
+
+"'What's our position to Europe?' sais I, 'jist now; is
+it letter A, No. 1?'
+
+"'Oh!' sais he, and he walked up and down agin, cypherin'
+like to himself; and then says he, 'I'll tell you; that
+word Socdolager, and the trade of preachin', and
+clockmakin', it would he as well to sink here; neither
+on 'em convene with dignity. Don't you think so?'
+
+"'Sartainly,' sais I; 'it's only fit for talk over a
+cigar, alone. It don't always answer a good, purpose to
+blart every thing out. But our _po_sition,' says I, among
+the nations of the airth, is it what our everlastin'
+Union is entitled to?'
+
+"'Because,' sais he, 'some day when I am asked out to
+dinner, some wag or another of a lord will call me parson,
+and ask me to crave a blessin', jist to raise the larf
+agin me for havin' been a preacher.'
+
+"'If he does,' sais I,' jist say, my Attache does that,
+and I'll jist up first and give it to him atween the two
+eyes; and when that's done, sais you, my Lord, that's
+_your grace_ afore meat; pr'aps your lordship will _return
+thanks_ arter dinner. Let him try it, that's all. But
+our great nation,' sais I, 'tell me, hante that noble
+stand we made on the right of sarch, raised us about the
+toploftiest?'
+
+"'Oh,' says he 'right of sarch! right of sarch! I've been
+tryin' to sarch my memory, but can't find it. I don't
+recollect that sarmont about Hope pitchin' her tent on
+the hill. When was it?'
+
+"'It was afore the juvenile-united-democratic-republican
+association to Funnel Hall,' sais I.
+
+"'Oh,' says he, 'that was an oration--it was an oration
+that.'
+
+"Oh!" sais I, "we won't say no more about that; I only
+meant it as a joke, and nothin' more. But railly now,
+Abednego, what is the state of our legation?"
+
+"'I don't see nothin' ridikilous,' sais he, 'in that are
+expression, of Hope pitchin' her tent on a hill. It's
+figurativ' and poetic, but it's within the line that
+divides taste from bombast. Hope pitchin' her tent on a
+hill! What is there to reprehend in that?'
+
+"Good airth and seas,' sais I, 'let's pitch Hope, and
+her tent, and the hill, all to Old Nick in a heap together,
+and talk of somethin' else. You needn't be so perkily
+ashamed of havin' preached, man. Cromwell was a great
+preacher all his life, but it didn't spile him as a
+Socdolager one bit, but rather helped him, that's a fact.
+How 'av we held our footin' here?'
+
+"'Not well, I am grieved to say,' sais he; 'not well.
+The failure of the United States' Bank, the repudiation
+of debts by several of our States, the foolish opposition
+we made to the suppression of the slave-trade, and above
+all, the bad faith in the business of the boundary question
+has lowered us down, down, e'en a'most to the bottom of
+the shaft.'
+
+"'Abednego,' sais I, 'we want somethin' besides boastin'
+and talkin' big; we want a dash--a great stroke of policy.
+Washington hanging Andre that time, gained more than a
+battle. Jackson by hanging Arbuthnot and Anbristher,
+gained his election. M'Kennie for havin' hanged them
+three citizens will be made an admiral of yet, see if he
+don't. Now if Captain Tyler had said, in his message to
+Congress, 'Any State that repudiates its foreign debts,
+we will first fine it in the whole amount, and then cut
+it off from our great, free, enlightened, moral and
+intellectual republic, he would have gained by the dash
+his next election, and run up our flag to the mast-head
+in Europe. He would have been popular to home, and
+respected abroad, that's as clear as mud,'
+
+"'He would have done right, Sir, if he had done that,'
+said Abednego, 'and the right thing is always approved
+of in the eend, and always esteemed all through the piece.
+A dash, as a stroke of policy,' said he, 'has sometimes
+a good effect. General Jackson threatening France with
+a war, if they didn't pay the indemnity, when he knew
+the King would make 'em pay it whether or no, was a
+masterpiece; and General Cass tellin' France if she signed
+the right of sarch treaty, we would fight both her and
+England together single-handed, was the best move on the
+political chess-board, this century. All these, Sir, are
+very well in their way, to produce an effect; but there's
+a better policy nor all that, a far better policy, and
+one, too, that some of our States and legislators, and
+presidents, and Socdolagers, as you call 'em, in my mind
+have got to larn yet, Sam.'
+
+"'What's that?' sais I. "For I don't believe in my soul
+there is nothin' a'most our diplomaters don't know. They
+are a body o' men that does honour to our great nation.
+What policy are you a indicatin' of?'
+
+"'Why,' sais he, '_that honesty is the best policy_.'
+
+"When I heerd him say that, I springs right up on eend,
+like a rope dancer. 'Give me your hand, Abednego,' sais
+I; 'you are a man, every inch of you,' and I squeezed it
+so hard, it made his eyes water. 'I always knowed you
+had an excellent head-piece,' sais I, 'and now I see the
+heart is in the right place too. If you have thrown
+preachin' overboard, you have kept your morals for ballast,
+any how. I feel kinder proud of you; you are jist a fit
+representat_ive_ for our great nation. You are a Socdolager,
+that's a fact. I approbate your notion; it's as correct
+as a bootjack. For nations or individuals, it's all the
+same, honesty _is_ the best policy, and no mistake. That,'
+sais I, 'is the hill, Abednego, for Hope to pitch her
+tent on, and no mistake,' and I put my finger to my nose,
+and winked.
+
+"'Well,' sais he, 'it is; but you are a droll feller,
+Slick, there is no standin' your jokes. I'll give you
+leave to larf if you like, but you must give me leave to
+win if I can. Good bye. But mind, Sam, our dignity is at
+stake. Let's have no more of Socdolagers, or Preachin',
+or Clockmakin', or Hope pitchin' her tent. A word to
+the wise. Good bye.'
+
+"Yes," said Mr. Slick, "I rather like Abednego's talk
+myself. I kinder think that it will be respectable to be
+Attache to such a man as that. But he is goin' out of
+town for some time, is the Socdolager. There is an
+agricultural dinner, where he has to make a conciliation
+speech; and a scientific association, where there is a
+piece of delicate brag and a bit of soft sawder to do,
+and then there are visits to the nobility, peep at
+manufactures, and all that sort of work, so he won't be
+in town for a good spell, and until then, I can't go to
+Court, for he is to introduce me himself. Pity that, but
+then it'll give me lots o' time to study human natur,
+that is, if there is any of it left here, for I have some
+doubts about that. Yes, he is an able lead horse, is
+Abednego; he is a'most a grand preacher, a good poet, a
+first chop orator, a great diplomater, and a top sawyer
+of a man, in short--he _is_ a _Socdolager_."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+DINING OUT.
+
+My visit to Germany was protracted beyond the period I
+had originally designed; and, during my absence, Mr.
+Slick had been constantly in company, either "dining out"
+daily, when in town, or visiting from one house to another
+in the country.
+
+I found him in great spirits. He assured me he had many
+capital stories to tell me, and that he rather guessed
+he knew as much of the English, and a leetle, jist a
+leetle, grain more, p'raps, than they knew of the Yankees.
+
+"They are considerable large print are the Bull family,"
+said he; "you can read them by moonlight. Indeed, their
+faces ain't onlike the moon in a gineral way; only one
+has got a man in it, and the other hain't always. It
+tante a bright face; you can look into it without winkin'.
+It's a cloudy one here too, especially in November; and
+most all the time makes you rather sad and solemncoly.
+Yes, John is a moony man, that's a fact, and at the full
+a little queer sometimes.
+
+"England is a stupid country compared to our'n. _There
+it no variety where there it no natur_. You have class
+variety here, but no individiality. They are insipid,
+and call it perlite. The men dress alike, talk alike,
+and look as much alike as Providence will let 'em. The
+club-houses and the tailors have done a good deal towards
+this, and so has whiggism and dissent; for they have
+destroyed distinctions.
+
+"But this is too deep for me. Ask Minister, he will tell
+you the cause; I only tell you the fact.
+
+"Dinin' out here, is both heavy work, and light feedin'.
+It's monstrous stupid. One dinner like one rainy day
+(it's rained ever since I been here a'most), is like
+another; one drawin'-room like another drawin'-room; one
+peer's entertainment, in a general way, is like another
+peer's. The same powdered, liveried, lazy, idle,
+good-for-nothin', do-little, stand-in-the-way-of-each-other,
+useless sarvants. Same picturs, same plate, same fixin's,
+same don't-know-what-to-do-with-your-self-kinder-o'-
+lookin'-master. Great folks are like great folks,
+marchants like marchants, and so on. It's a pictur, it
+looks like life, but' it tante. The animal is tamed here;
+he is fatter than the wild one, but he hante the spirit.
+
+"You have seen-Old Clay in a pastur, a racin' about, free
+from harness, head and tail up, snortin', cavortin',
+attitudinisin' of himself. Mane flowin' in the wind,
+eye-ball startin' out, nostrils inside out a'most, ears
+pricked up. _A nateral hoss_; put him in a waggon, with
+a rael spic and span harness, all covered over with brass
+buckles and brass knobs, and ribbons in his bridle, rael
+jam. Curb him up, talk Yankee to him, and get his ginger
+up. Well, he looks well; but he is '_a broke hoss_.' He
+reminds you of Sam Slick; cause when you see a hoss, you
+think of his master: but he don't remind you of the rael
+'_Old Clay_,' that's a fact.
+
+"Take a day here, now in town; and they are so identical
+the same, that one day sartificates for another. You
+can't get out a bed afore twelve, in winter, the days is
+so short, and the fires ain't made, or the room dusted,
+or the breakfast can't be got, or sunthin' or another.
+And if you did, what's the use? There is no one to talk
+to, and books only weaken your understandin', as water
+does brandy. They make you let others guess for you,
+instead of guessin' for yourself. Sarvants spile your
+habits here, and books spite your mind. I wouldn't swap
+ideas with any man. I make my own opinions, as I used
+to do my own clocks; and I find they are truer than other
+men's. The Turks are so cussed heavy, they have people
+to dance for 'em; the English are wus, for they hire
+people to think for 'em. Never read a book, Squire,
+always think for yourself.
+
+"Well, arter breakfast, it's on hat and coat, ombrella
+in hand, (don't never forget that, for the rumatiz, like
+the perlice, is always on the look out here, to grab hold
+of a feller,) and go somewhere where there is somebody,
+or another, and smoke, and then wash it down with a
+sherry-cobbler; (the drinks ain't good here; they hante
+no variety in them nother; no white-nose, apple-jack,
+stone-wall, chain-lightning, rail-road, hail-storm,
+ginsling-talabogus, switchel-flip, gum-ticklers,
+phlem-cutters, juleps, skate-iron, cast-steel, cock-tail,
+or nothin', but that heavy stupid black fat porter;) then
+down to the coffee-house, see what vessels have arrived,
+how markets is, whether there is a chance of doin' any
+thin' in cotton or tobacco, whose broke to home, and so
+on. Then go to the park, and see what's a goin' on there;
+whether those pretty critturs, the rads are a holdin' a
+prime minister 'parsonally responsible,' by shootin' at
+him; or whether there is a levee, or the Queen is ridin'
+out, or what not; take a look at the world, make a visit
+or two to kill time, when all at once it's dark. Home
+then, smoke a cigar, dress for dinner, and arrive at a
+quarter past seven.
+
+"Folks are up to the notch here when dinner is in question,
+that's a fact, fat, gouty, broken-winded, and foundered
+as they be. It's rap, rap, rap, for twenty minutes at
+the door, and in they come, one arter the other, as fast
+as the sarvants can carry up their names. Cuss them
+sarvants! it takes seven or eight of 'em to carry a man's
+name up stairs, they are so awful lazy, and so shockin'
+full of porter. If a feller was so lame he had to be
+carried up himself, I don't believe on my soul, the whole
+gang of them, from the Butler that dresses in the same
+clothes as his master, to Boots that ain't dressed at
+all, could make out to bowse him up stairs, upon my soul
+I don't.
+
+"Well, you go in along with your name, walk up to old
+aunty, and make a scrape, and the same to old uncle, and
+then fall back. This is done as solemn, as if a feller's
+name was called out to take his place in a funeral; that
+and the mistakes is the fun of it. There is a sarvant at
+a house I visit at, that I suspicion is a bit of a bam,
+and the critter shows both his wit and sense. He never
+does it to a 'somebody,' 'cause that would cost him his
+place, but when a 'nobody' has a droll name, he jist
+gives an accent, or a sly twist to it, that folks can't
+help a larfin', no more than Mr. Nobody can feelin' like
+a fool. He's a droll boy, that; I should like to know
+him.
+
+"Well, arter 'nouncin' is done, then comes two questions
+--do I know anybody here? and if I do, does he look like
+talk or not? Well, seein' that you have no handle to your
+name, and a stranger, it's most likely you can't answer
+these questions right; so you stand and use your eyes,
+and put your tongue up in its case till it's wanted.
+Company are all come, and now they have to be marshalled
+two and two, lock and lock, and go into the dinin'-room
+to feed.
+
+"When I first came I was nation proud of that title, 'the
+Attache;' now I am happified it's nothin' but 'only an
+Attache,' and I'll tell you why. The great guns, and big
+bugs, have to take in each other's ladies, so these old
+ones have to herd together. Well, the nobodies go together
+too, and sit together, and I've observed these nobodies
+are the pleasantest people at table, and they have the
+pleasantest places, because they sit down with each other,
+and are jist like yourself, plaguy glad to get some one
+to talk to. Somebody can only visit somebody, but nobody
+can go anywhere, and therefore nobody sees and knows
+twice as much as somebody does. Somebodies must be axed,
+if they are as stupid as a pump; but nobodies needn't,
+and never are, unless they are spicy sort o' folks, so
+you are sure of them, and they have all the fun and wit
+of the table at their eend, and no mistake.
+
+"I wouldn't take a title if they would give it to me,
+for if I had one, I should have a fat old parblind dowager
+detailed on to me to take in to dinner; and what the
+plague is her jewels and laces, and silks and sattins,
+and wigs to me? As it is, I have a chance to have a gall
+to take in that's a jewel herself--one that don't want
+no settin' off, and carries her diamonds in her eyes,
+and so on. I've told our minister not to introduce me as
+an Attache no more, but as Mr. Nobody, from the State of
+Nothin', in America, _that's natur agin_.
+
+"But to get back to the dinner. Arter you are in marchin'
+order, you move in through two rows of sarvants in uniform.
+I used to think they was placed there for show, but it's
+to keep the air off of folks a goin' through the entry,
+and it ain't a bad thought, nother.
+
+"Lord, the first time I went to one o' these grand let
+offs I felt kinder skeery, and as nobody was allocated
+to me to take in, I goes in alone, not knowin' where I
+was to settle down as a squatter, and kinder lagged
+behind; when the butler comes and rams a napkin in my
+hand, and gives me a shove, and sais he, 'Go and stand
+behind your master, sir,' sais he. Oh Solomon! how that
+waked me up. How I curled inwardly when he did that.
+'You've mistaken the child,' sais I mildly, and I held
+out the napkin, and jist as he went to take it, I gave
+him a sly poke in the bread basket, that made him bend
+forward and say 'eugh.' 'Wake Snakes, and walk your
+chalks,' sais I, 'will you?' and down I pops on the fust
+empty chair. Lord, how white he looked about the gills
+arterwards; I thought I should a split when I looked at
+him. Guess he'll know an Attache when he sees him next
+time.
+
+"Well, there is dinner. One sarvice of plate is like
+another sarvice of plate, any one dozen of sarvants are
+like another dozen of sarvants, hock is hock, and champaigne
+is champaigne--and one dinner is like another dinner.
+The only difference is in the thing itself that's cooked.
+Veal, to be good, must look like any thing else but veal;
+you mustn't know it when you see it, or it's vulgar;
+mutton must be incog. too; beef must have a mask on; any
+thin' that looks solid, take a spoon to; any thin' that
+looks light, cut with a knife; if a thing looks like
+fish, you may take your oath it is flesh; and if it seems
+rael flesh, it's only disguised, for it's sure to be
+fish; nothin' must be nateral, natur is out of fashion
+here. This is a manufacturin' country, everything is
+done by machinery, and that that ain't must be made to
+look like it; and I must say, the dinner machinery is
+parfect.
+
+"Sarvants keep goin' round and round in a ring, slow,
+but sartain, and for ever, like the arms of a great big
+windmill, shovin' dish after dish, in dum show, afore
+your nose, for you to see how you like the flavour; when
+your glass is empty it's filled; when your eyes is off
+your plate, it's off too, afore you can say Nick Biddle.
+
+"Folks speak low here; steam is valuable, and noise
+onpolite. They call it a "_subdued tone_." Poor tame
+things, they are subdued, that's a fact; slaves to an
+arbitrary tyrannical fashion that don't leave 'em no free
+will at all. You don't often speak across a table any
+more nor you do across a street, but p'raps Mr. Somebody
+of West Eend of town, will say to a Mr. Nobody from West
+Eend of America: 'Niagara is noble.' Mr. Nobody will
+say, 'Guess it is, it got its patent afore the "Norman
+_Conquest_," I reckon, and afore the "_subdued_ tone"
+come in fashion.' Then Mr. Somebody will look like an
+oracle, and say, 'Great rivers and great trees in America.
+You speak good English.' And then he will seem surprised,
+but not say it, only you can read the words on his face,
+'Upon my soul, you are a'most as white as us.'
+
+"Dinner is over. It's time for ladies to cut stick. Aunt
+Goosey looks at the next oldest goosey, and ducks her
+head, as if she was a goin' through a gate, and then they
+all come to their feet, and the goslins come to their
+feet, and they all toddle off to the drawin' room together.
+
+"The decanters now take the "grand tour" of the table,
+and, like most travellers, go out with full pockets, and
+return with empty ones. Talk has a pair of stays here,
+and is laced up tight and stiff. Larnin' is pedantic;
+politics is onsafe; religion ain't fashionable. You must
+tread on neutral ground. Well, neutral ground gets so
+trampled down by both sides, and so plundered by all,
+there ain't any thing fresh or good grows on it, and it
+has no cover for game nother.
+
+"Housundever, the ground is tried, it's well beat, but
+nothin' is put up, and you get back to where you started.
+Uncle Gander looks at next oldest gander hard, bobs his
+head, and lifts one leg, all ready for a go, and says,
+'Will you take any more wine?' 'No, sais he, 'but I take
+the hint, let's jine the ladies.'
+
+"Well, when the whole flock is gathered in the goose
+pastur, the drawin'-room, other little flocks come troopin'
+in, and stand, or walk, or down on chairs; and them that
+know each other talk, and them that don't twirl their
+thumbs over their fingers; and when they are tired of
+that, twirl their fingers over their thumbs. I'm nobody,
+and so I goes and sets side-ways on an ottarman, like a
+gall on a side-saddle, and look at what's afore me. And
+fust I always look at the galls.
+
+"Now, this I will say, they are amazin' fine critters
+are the women kind here, when they are taken proper care
+of. The English may stump the univarse a'most for trainin'
+hosses and galls. They give 'em both plenty of walkin'
+exercise, feed 'em regular, shoe 'em well, trim 'em neat,
+and keep a beautiful skin on 'em. They keep, 'em in good
+health, and don't house 'em too much. They are clippers,
+that's a fact. There is few things in natur, equal to a
+hoss and a gall, that's well trained and in good condition.
+I could stand all day and look at 'em, and I call myself
+a considerable of a judge. It's singular how much they
+are alike too, the moment the trainin' is over or neglected,
+neither of 'em is fit to be seen; they grow out of shape,
+and look coarse.
+
+"They are considerable knowin' in this kind o' ware too,
+are the English; they vamp 'em up so well, it's hard to
+tell their age, and I ain't sure they don't make 'em live
+longer, than where the art ain't so well pract_ised_.
+The mark o' mouth is kept up in a hoss here by the file,
+and a hay-cutter saves his teeth, and helps his digestion.
+Well, a dentist does the same good turn for a woman; it
+makes her pass for several years younger; and helps her
+looks, mends her voice, and makes her as smart as a three
+year old.
+
+"What's that? It's music. Well, that's artificial too,
+it's scientific they say, it's done by rule. Jist look
+at that gall to the piany: first comes a little Garman
+thunder. Good airth and seas, what a crash! it seems as
+if she'd bang the instrument all to a thousand pieces.
+I guess she's vexed at somebody and is a peggin' it into
+the piany out of spite. Now comes the singin'; see what
+faces she makes, how she stretches her mouth open, like
+a barn door, and turns up the white of her eyes, like a
+duck in thunder. She is in a musical ecstasy is that
+gall, she feels good all over, her soul is a goin' out
+along with that ere music. Oh, it's divine, and she is
+an angel, ain't she? Yes, I guess she is, and when I'm
+an angel, I will fall in love with her; but as I'm a man,
+at least what's left of me, I'd jist as soon fall in love
+with one that was a leetle, jist a leetle more of a woman,
+and a leetle, jist a leetle less of an angel. But hullo!
+what onder the sun is she about, why her voice is goin'
+down her own throat, to gain strength, and here it comes
+out agin as deep toned as a man's; while that dandy feller
+along side of her, is singin' what they call falsetter.
+They've actilly changed voices. The gall sings like a
+man, and that screamer like a woman. This is science:
+this is taste: this is fashion; but hang me if it's natur.
+I'm tired to death of it, but one good thing is, you
+needn't listen without you like, for every body is talking
+as, loud as ever.
+
+"Lord, how extremes meet sometimes, as Minister says.
+_Here_, how, fashion is the top of the pot, and that pot
+hangs on the highest hook on the crane. In _America_,
+natur can't go no farther; it's the rael thing. Look at
+the women kind, now. An Indgian gall, down South, goes
+most naked. Well, a splendiferous company gall, here,
+when she is _full dressed_ is only _half covered_, and
+neither of 'em attract you one mite or morsel. We dine
+at two and sup at seven; _here_ they lunch at two, and
+dine at seven. The words are different, but they are
+identical the same. Well, the singin' is amazin' like,
+too. Who ever heerd them Italian singers recitin' their
+jabber, showin' their teeth, and cuttin' didoes at a
+great private consart, that wouldn't take his oath he
+had heerd niggers at a dignity ball, down South, sing
+jist the same, and jist as well. And then do, for goodness'
+gracious' sake, hear that great absent man, belongin' to
+the House o' Commons, when the chaplain says 'Let us
+pray!' sing right out at once, as if he was to home, 'Oh!
+by all means,' as much as to say, 'me and the powers
+above are ready to hear you; but don't be long about it.'
+
+"Ain't that for all the world like a camp-meetin', when
+a reformed ring-tail roarer calls out to the minister,
+'That's a fact, Welly Fobus, by Gosh; amen!' or when
+preacher says, 'Who will be saved?' answers, 'Me and the
+boys, throw us a hen-coop; the galls will drift down
+stream on a bale o' cotton.' Well then, _our_ very lowest,
+and _their_ very highest, don't always act pretty, that's
+a fact. Sometimes '_they repudiate_.' You take, don't
+you?
+
+"There is another party to-night; the flock is a thinnin'
+off agin; and as I want a cigar most amazin'ly, let's go
+to a divan, and some other time, I'll tell you what a
+swoi_ree_ is. But answer me this here question now,
+Squire: when this same thing is acted over and over, day
+after day, and no variation, from July to etarnity, don't
+you think you'd get a leetle--jist a leetle more tired
+of it every day, and wish for natur once more. If you
+wouldn't I would, that's all."
+
+
+
+
+THE SECOND VOLUME.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+THE NOSE OF A SPY
+
+"Squire." said Mr. Hopewell, "you know Sam well enough,
+I hope, to make all due allowances for the exuberance of
+his fancy. The sketch he has just given you of London
+society, like the novels of the present day, though
+founded on fact, is very unlike the reality. There may
+be assemblages of persons in this great city, and no
+doubt there are, quite as insipid and absurd as the one
+he has just pourtrayed; but you must not suppose it is
+at all a fair specimen of the society of this place. My
+own experience is quite the reverse. I think it the most
+refined, the most agreeable, and the most instructive in
+the world. Whatever your favourite study or pursuit may
+be, here you are sure to find well-informed and enthusiastic
+associates. If you have merit, it is appreciated; and
+for an aristocratic country, that merit places you on a
+level with your superiors in rank in a manner that is
+quite incomprehensible to a republican. Money is the
+great leveller of distinctions with us; here, it is
+talent. Fashion spreads many tables here, but talent is
+always found seated at the best, if it thinks proper to
+comply with certain usages, without which, even genius
+ceases to be attractive.
+
+"On some future occasion, I will enter more at large on
+this subject; but now it is too late; I have already
+exceeded my usual hour for retiring. Excuse me. Sam.
+said he. 'I know you will not be offended with me, but
+Squire there are some subjects on which Sam may amuse,
+but cannot instruct you, and one is, fashionable life in
+London. You must judge for yourself, Sir. Good night,
+my children."
+
+Mr. Slick rose, and opened the door for him, and as he
+passed, bowed and held out his hand. "Remember me, your
+honour, no man opens the door in this country without
+being paid for it. Remember me, Sir."
+
+"True, Sam," said the Minister, "and it is unlucky that
+it does not extend to opening the mouth, if it did, you
+would soon make your fortune, for you can't keep yours
+shut. Good night."
+
+The society to which I have subsequently had the good
+fortune to be admitted, fully justifies the eulogium of
+Mr. Hopewell. Though many persons can write well, few
+can talk well; but the number of those who excel in
+conversation is much greater in certain circles in London,
+than in any other place. By talking well, I do not mean
+talking wisely or learnedly; but agreeably, for relaxation
+and pleasure, are the principal objects of social
+assemblies. This can only be illustrated by instancing
+some very remarkable persons, who are the pride and
+pleasure of every table they honour and delight with
+their presence But this may not be. For obvious reasons,
+I could not do it if I would; and most assuredly, I would
+not do it if I could. No more certain mode could be
+devised of destroying conversation, than by showing, that
+when the citadel is unguarded, the approach of a friend
+is as unsafe as that of an enemy.
+
+Alas! poor Hook! who can read the unkind notice of thee
+in a late periodical, and not feel, that on some occasions
+you must have admitted to your confidence men who were
+as unworthy of that distinction as, they were incapable
+of appreciating it, and that they who will disregard the
+privileges of a table, will not hesitate to violate even
+the sanctity of the tomb. Cant may talk of your "_inter
+pocula_" errors with pious horror; and pretension, now
+that its indulgence is safe, may affect to disclaim your
+acquaintance; but kinder, and better, and truer men than
+those who furnished your biographer with his facts will
+not fail to recollect your talents with pride, and your
+wit and your humour with wonder and delight.
+
+We do not require such flagrant examples as these to
+teach us our duty, but they are not without their use in
+increasing our caution.
+
+When Mr. Hopewell withdrew, Mr. Slick observed:
+
+"Ain't that ere old man a trump? He is always in the
+right place. Whenever you want to find him, jist go and
+look for him where he ought to be, and there you will
+find him as sure as there is snakes in Varginy. He is a
+brick, that's a fact. Still, for all that, he ain't jist
+altogether a citizen of this world nother. He fishes in
+deep water, with a sinker to his hook. He can't throw a
+fly as I can, reel out his line, run down stream, and
+then wind up, wind up, wind up, and let out, and wind up
+again, till he lands his fish, as I do. He looks deep
+into things, is a better religionist, polititioner, and
+bookster than I be: but then that's all he does know. If
+you want to find your way about, or read a man, come to
+me, that's all; for I'm the boy that jist can do it. If
+I can't walk into a man, I can dodge round him; and if
+he is too nimble for that, I can jump over him; and if
+he is too tall for that, although I don't like the play,
+yet I can whip him.
+
+"Now, Squire, I have been a good deal to England, and
+crossed this big pond here the matter of seven times,
+and know a good deal about it, more than a great many
+folks that have writtin' books on it, p'raps. Mind what
+I tell you, the English ain't what they was. I'm not
+speakin' in jeest now, or in prejudice. I hante a grain
+of prejudice in me. I've see'd too much of the world for
+that I reckon. I call myself a candid man, and I tell
+you the English are no more like what the English used
+to be, when pigs were swine, and Turkey chewed tobacky,
+than they are like the Picts or Scots, or Norman, French,
+or Saxons, or nothin'."
+
+"Not what they used to be?" I said. "Pray, what do you
+mean?"
+
+"I mean," said he, "jist what I say. They ain't the same
+people no more. They are as proud, and overbearin', and
+concaited, and haughty to foreigners as ever; but, then
+they ain't so manly, open-hearted, and noble as they used
+to be, once upon a time. They have the Spy System now,
+in full operation here; so jist take my advice, and mind
+your potatoe-trap, or you will be in trouble afore you
+are ten days older, see if you ain't."
+
+"The Spy System!" I replied. "Good Heavens, Mr. Slick,
+how can you talk such nonsense, and yet have the modesty
+to say you have no prejudice?"
+
+"Yes, the Spy System," said he, "and I'll prove it. You
+know Dr. Mc'Dougall to Nova Scotia; well, he knows all
+about mineralogy, and geology, and astrology, and every
+thing a'most, except what he ought to know, and that is
+dollar-ology. For he ain't over and above half well off,
+that's a fact. Well, a critter of the name of Oatmeal,
+down to Pictou, said to another Scotchman there one day,
+'The great nateralist Dr. Mc'Dougall is come to town.'
+
+"'Who?' says Sawney.
+
+"'Dr. Mc'Dougall, the nateralist,' says Oatmeal.
+
+"'Hout, mon,' says Sawney, 'he is nae nateral, that chiel;
+he kens mair than maist men; he is nae that fool you take
+him to be.'
+
+"Now, I am not such a fool as you take _me_ to be, Squire.
+Whenever I did a sum to, school, Minister used to say,
+'Prove it, Sam, and if it won't prove, do it over agin,
+till it will; a sum ain't right when it won't prove.'
+Now, I say the English have the Spy System, and I'll
+prove it; nay, more than that, they have the nastiest,
+dirtiest, meanest, sneakenest system in the world. It is
+ten times as bad as the French plan. In France they have
+bar-keepers, waiters, chamber galls, guides,
+quotillions,--"
+
+"Postilions, you mean," I said.
+
+"Well, postilions then, for the French have queer names
+for people, that's a fact; disbanded sodgers, and such
+trash, for spies. In England they have airls and countesses,
+Parliament men, and them that call themselves gentlemen
+and ladies, for spies."
+
+"How very absurd!" I said.
+
+"Oh yes, very absurd," said Mr. Slick; "whenever I say
+anythin' agin England, it's very absurd, it's all prejudice.
+Nothin' is strange, though, when it is said of us, and
+the absurder it is, the truer it is. I can bam as well
+as any man when bam is the word, but when fact is the
+play, I am right up and down, and true as a trivet. I
+won't deceive you; I'll prove it.
+
+"There was a Kurnel Dun--dun--plague take his name, I
+can't recollect it, but it makes no odds--I know _he_ is
+Dun for, though, that's a fact. Well, he was a British
+kurnel, that was out to Halifax when I was there. I know'd
+him by sight, I didn't know him by talk, for I didn't
+fill then the dignified situation I now do, of Attache.
+I was only a clockmaker then, and I suppose he wouldn't
+have dirtied the tip eend of his white glove with me
+then, any more than I would sile mine with him now, and
+very expensive and troublesome things them white gloves
+be too; there is no keepin' of them clean. For my part,
+I don't see why a man can't make his own skin as clean
+as a kid's, any time; and if a feller can't be let shake
+hands with a gall except he has a glove on, why ain't he
+made to cover his lips, and kiss thro' kid skin too.
+
+"But to get back to the kurnel, and it's a pity he hadn't
+had a glove over his mouth, that's a fact. Well, he went
+home to England with his regiment, and one night when he
+was dinin' among some first chop men, nobles and so on,
+they sot up considerable late over their claret; and poor
+thin cold stuff it is too, is claret. A man _may_ get
+drowned in it, but how the plague he can get drunk with
+it is dark to me. It's like every thing else French, it
+has no substance in it; it's nothin' but red ink, that's
+a fact. Well, how it was I don't know, but so it
+eventuated, that about daylight he was mops and brooms,
+and began to talk somethin' or another he hadn't ought
+to; somethin' he didn't know himself, and somethin' he
+didn't mean, and didn't remember.
+
+"Faith, next mornin' he was booked; and the first thing
+he see'd when he waked was another man a tryin' on of
+his shoes, to see how they'd fit to march to the head of
+his regiment with. Fact, I assure you, and a fact too
+that shows what Englishmen has come to; I despise 'em,
+I hate 'em, I scorn such critters as I do oncarcumcised
+niggers."
+
+"What a strange perversion of facts," I replied.
+
+But he would admit of no explanation. "Oh yes, quite
+parvarted; not a word of truth in it; there never is when
+England is consarned. There is no beam in an Englishman's
+eye; no not a smell of one; he has pulled it out long
+ago; that's the reason he can see the mote in other
+folks's so plain. Oh, of course it ain't true; it's a
+Yankee invention; it's a hickory ham and a wooden nutmeg.
+
+"Well, then, there was another feller got bagged t'other
+day, as innocent as could be, for givin' his opinion when
+folks was a talkin' about matters and things in gineral,
+and this here one in partikilar. I can't tell the words,
+for I don't know 'em, nor care about 'em; and if I did,
+I couldn't carry 'em about so long; but it was for sayin'
+it hadn't ought to have been taken notice of, considerin'
+it jist popt out permiscuous like with the bottle-cork.
+If he hadn't a had the clear grit in him, and showed
+teeth and claws, they'd a nullified him so, you wouldn't
+have see'd a grease spot of him no more. What do you call
+that, now? Do you call that liberty? Do you call that
+old English? Do you call it pretty, say now? Thank God,
+it tante Yankee."
+
+"I see you have no prejudice, Mr. Slick," I replied.
+
+"Not one mite or morsel," he replied. "Tho' I was born
+in Connecticut, I have travelled all over the thirteen
+united univarsal worlds of ourn and am a citizen at large.
+No, I have no prejudice. You say I am mistaken; p'raps
+I am, I hope I be, and a stranger may get hold of the
+wrong eend of a thing sometimes, that's a fact. But I
+don't think I be wrong, or else the papers don't tell
+the truth; and I read it in all the jarnals; I did, upon
+my soul. Why man, it's history now, if such nasty mean
+doins is worth puttin' into a book.
+
+"What makes this Spy System to England wuss, is that
+these eaves-droppers are obliged to hear all that's said,
+or lose what commission they hold; at least so folks tell
+me. I recollect when I was there last, for it's some
+years since Government first sot up the Spy System; there
+was a great feed given to a Mr. Robe, or Robie, or some
+such name, an out and out Tory. Well, sunthin' or another
+was said over their cups, that might as well have been
+let alone, I do suppose, tho' dear me, what is the use
+of wine but to onloosen the tongue, and what is the use
+of the tongue, but to talk. Oh, cuss 'em, I have no
+patience with them. Well, there was an officer of a
+marchin' regiment there, who it seems ought to have took
+down the words and sent 'em up to the head Gineral, but
+he was a knowin' coon, was officer, and _didn't hear it_.
+No sooner said than done; some one else did the dirty
+work for him; but you can't have a substitute for this,
+you must sarve in person, so the old Gineral hawls him
+right up for it.
+
+"'Why the plague, didn't you make a fuss?' sais the
+General, 'why didn't you get right up, and break up the
+party?'
+
+"'I didn't hear it,' sais he.
+
+"'You didn't hear it!' sais Old Sword-belt, 'then you
+had ought to have heerd it; and for two pins, I'd sharpen
+your hearin' for you, so that a snore of a fly would wake
+you up, as if a byler had bust.'
+
+"Oh, how it has lowered the English in the eyes of
+foreigners! How sneakin' it makes 'em look! They seem
+for all the world like scared dogs; and a dog when he
+slopes off with his head down, his tail atween his legs,
+and his back so mean it won't bristle, is a caution to
+sinners. Lord. I wish I was Queen!"
+
+"What, of such a degraded race as you say the English
+are, of such a mean-spirited, sneaking nation?"
+
+"Well, they warn't always so," he replied. "I will say
+that, for I have no prejudice. By natur, there is sunthin'
+noble and manly in a Britisher, and always was, till this
+cussed Spy System got into fashion. They tell me it was
+the Liberals first brought it into vogue. How that is.
+I don't know; but I shouldn't wonder if it was them, for
+I know this, if a feller talks _very_ liberal in politics,
+put him into office, and see what a tyrant he'll make.
+If he talks very liberal in religion, it's because he
+hante got none at all. If he talks very liberal to the
+poor, talk is all the poor will ever get out of him. If
+he talks liberal about corn law, it tante to feed the
+hungry, but to lower wages, and so on in every thing a
+most. None is so liberal as those as hante got nothin'.
+The most liberal feller I know on is "Old Scratch himself."
+If ever the liberals come in, they should make him Prime
+Minister. He is very liberal in religion and would jine
+them in excludin' the Bible from common schools I know.
+He is very liberal about the criminal code, for he can't
+bear to see criminals punished. He is very liberal in
+politics, for he don't approbate restraint, and likes to
+let every critter 'go to the devil' his own way. Oh, he
+should be Head Spy and Prime Minister that feller.
+
+"But without jokin' tho', if I was Queen, the fust time
+any o' my ministers came to me to report what the spies
+had said, I'd jist up and say, 'Minister,' I'd say, 'it
+is a cussed oninglish, onmanly, niggerly business, is
+this of pumpin', and spyin', and tattlin'. I don't like
+it a bit. I'll have neither art nor part in it; I wash
+my hands clear of it. It will jist break the spirit of
+my people. So, minister look here. The next report that
+is brought to me of a spy, I'll whip his tongue out and
+whop your ear off, or my name ain't Queen. So jist mind
+what I say; first spy pokes his nose into your office,
+chop it off and clap it up over Temple Bar, where they
+puts the heads of traitors and write these words over,
+with your own fist, that they may know the handwritin',
+and not mistake the meanin', _This is the nose of a Spy_."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+THE PATRON; OR, THE COW'S TAIL.
+
+Nothing is so fatiguing as sight-seeing. The number and
+variety of objects to which your attention is called,
+and the rapid succession in which they pass in review,
+at once wearies and perplexes the mind; and unless you
+take notes to refresh your memory, you are apt to find
+you carry away with you but an imperfect and indistinct
+recollection.
+
+Yesterday was devoted to an inspection of the Tunnel and
+an examination of the Tower, two things that ought always
+to be viewed in juxta-position; one being the greatest
+evidence of the science and wealth of modern times; and
+the other of the power and pomp of our forefathers.
+
+It is a long time before a stranger can fully appreciate
+the extent of population and wealth of this vast metropolis.
+At first, he is astonished and confused; his vision is
+indistinct. By degrees he begins to understand its
+localities, the ground plan becomes intelligible and he
+can take it all in at a view. The map is a large one; it
+is a chart of the world. He knows the capes and the bays;
+he has sailed round them, and knows their relative
+distance, and at last becomes aware of the magnitude of
+the whole. Object after object becomes more familiar. He
+can estimate the population; he compares the amount of
+it with that of countries that he is acquainted with,
+and finds that this one town contains within it nearly
+as great a number of souls as all British North America.
+He estimates the incomes of the inhabitants, and finds
+figures almost inadequate to express the amount. He asks
+for the sources from whence it is derived. He resorts to
+his maxims of political economy, and they cannot inform
+him. He calculates the number of acres of land in England,
+adds up the rental, and is again at fault. He inquires
+into the statistics of the Exchange, and discovers that
+even that is inadequate; and, as a last resource, concludes
+that the whole world is tributary to this Queen of Cities.
+It is the heart of the Universe. All the circulation
+centres here, and hence are derived all those streams
+that give life and strength to the extremities. How vast,
+how populous, how rich, how well regulated, how well
+supplied, how clean, how well ventilated, how healthy!--what
+a splendid city! How worthy of such an empire and such
+a people!
+
+What is the result of his experience? _It is, that there
+is no such country in the world as England, and no such
+place in England as London; that London is better than
+any other town in winter, and quite as good as any other
+place in summer; that containing not only all that he
+requires, but all that he can wish, in the greatest
+perfection, he desires never to leave it._
+
+Local description, however, is not my object; I shall
+therefore, return to my narrative.
+
+Our examination of the Tower and the Tunnel occupied the
+whole day, and though much gratified, we were no less
+fatigued. On returning to our lodgings, I found letters
+from Nova Scotia. Among others, was one from the widow
+of an old friend, enclosing a memorial to the
+Commander-in-Chief, setting forth the important and
+gratuitous services of her late husband to the local
+government of the province, and soliciting for her son
+some small situation in the ordnance department, which
+had just fallen vacant at Halifax. I knew that it was
+not only out of my power to aid her, but that it was
+impossible for her, however strong the claims of her
+husband might be, to obtain her request. These things
+are required for friends and dependants in England; and
+in the race of competition, what chance of success has
+a colonist?
+
+I made up my mind at once to forward her memorial as
+requested, but pondered on the propriety of adding to it
+a recommendation. It could do no good. At most, it would
+only be the certificate of an unknown man; of one who
+had neither of the two great qualifications, namely,
+county or parliamentary interest, but it might do harm.
+It might, by engendering ridicule from the insolence of
+office, weaken a claim, otherwise well founded. "Who the
+devil is this Mr. Thomas Poker, that recommends the prayer
+of the petition? The fellow imagines all the world must
+have heard of him. A droll fellow that, I take it from
+his name: but all colonists are queer fellows, eh?"
+
+"Bad news from home?" said Mr. Slick, who had noticed
+my abstraction. "No screw loose there, I hope. You don't
+look as if you liked the flavour of that ere nut you are
+crackin' of. Whose dead? and what is to pay now?"
+
+I read the letter and the memorial, and then explained
+from my own knowledge how numerous and how valuable were
+the services of my deceased friend, and expressed my
+regret at not being able to serve the memorialist.
+
+"Poor woman!" said Mr. Hopewell, "I pity her. A colonist
+has no chance for these things; they have no patron. In
+this country merit will always obtain a patron--in the
+provinces never. The English are a noble-minded, generous
+people, and whoever here deserves encouragement or reward,
+is certain to obtain either or both: but it must be a
+brilliant man, indeed, whose light can be perceived across
+the Atlantic."
+
+"I entertain, Sir," I said, "a very strong prejudice
+against relying on patrons. Dr. Johnson, after a long
+and fruitless attendance on Lord Chesterfield, says:
+'Seven years, my Lord, have now past, since I waited in
+your outward rooms, or was repulsed from your door; during
+which time I have been pushing on my work, through
+difficulties, of which it is useless to complain, and
+have brought it at last to the verge of publication,
+without one act of assistance, one word of encouragement,
+or one smile of favour. Such treatment I did not expect,
+for I never bad a patron before."
+
+"Ah!" said Mr. Hopewell, "a man who feels that he is
+wrong, is always angry with somebody else. Dr. Johnson,
+is not so much to be admired for the independence that
+dictated that letter, as condemned for the meanness and
+servility of seven years of voluntary degradation. It is
+no wonder he spoke with bitterness; for, while he censured
+his Lordship, he must have despised himself. There is
+a great difference between a literary and a political
+patron. The former is not needed, and a man does better
+without one; the latter is essential. A good book, like
+good wine, needs no bush; but to get an office, you want
+merits or patrons;--merits so great, that they cannot be
+passed over, or friends so powerful, they cannot be
+refused."
+
+"Oh! you can't do nothin', Squire," said Mr. Sick, "send
+it back to Old Marm; tell her you have the misfortin to
+be a colonist; that if her son would like to be a constable,
+or a Hogreave, or a thistle-viewer, or sunthin' or another
+of that kind, you are her man: but she has got the wrong
+cow by the tail this time. I never hear of a patron, I
+don't think of a frolic I once had with a cow's tail;
+and, by hanging on to it like a snappin' turtle, I jist
+saved my life, that's a fact.
+
+"Tell you what it is, Squire, take a fool's advice, for
+once. Here you are; I have made you considerable well-known,
+that's a fact; and will introduce you to court, to king
+and queen, or any body you please. For our legation,
+though they can't dance, p'raps, as well as the French
+one can, could set all Europe a dancin' in wide awake
+airnest, if it chose. They darsent refuse us nothin',
+or we would fust embargo, and then go to war. Any one
+you want to know, I'll give you the ticket. Look round,
+select a good critter, and hold on to the tail, for dear
+life, and see if you hante a patron, worth havin'. You
+don't want none yourself, but you might want one some
+time or another, for them that's a comin' arter you.
+
+"When I was a half grow'd lad, the bears came down from
+Nor-West one year in droves, as a body might say, and
+our woods near Slickville was jist full of 'em. It warn't
+safe to go a-wanderin' about there a-doin' of nothin',
+I tell _you_. Well, one arternoon, father sends me into
+the back pastur', to bring home the cows, 'And,' says
+he, 'keep a stirrin', Sam, go ahead right away, and be
+out of the bushes afore sun-set, on account of the bears,
+for that's about the varmints' supper-time.'
+
+"Well, I looks to the sky, and I sees it was a considerable
+of a piece yet to daylight down, so I begins to pick
+strawberries as I goes along, and you never see any thing
+so thick as they were, and wherever the grass was long,
+they'd stand up like a little bush, and hang in clusters,
+most as big and twice as good, to my likin', as garden
+ones. Well, the sun, it appears to me, is like a hoss,
+when it comes near dark it mends its pace, and gets on
+like smoke, so afore I know'd where I was, twilight had
+come peepin' over the spruce tops.
+
+"Off I sot, hot foot, into the bushes, arter the cows,
+and as always eventuates when you are in a hurry, they
+was further back than common that time, away ever so fur
+back to a brook, clean off to the rear of the farm, so
+that day was gone afore I got out of the woods, and I
+got proper frightened. Every noise I heerd I thought it
+was a bear, and when I looked round a one side, I guessed
+I heerd one on the other, and I hardly turned to look
+there before, I reckoned it was behind me, I was e'en
+a'most skeered to death.
+
+"Thinks I, 'I shall never be able to keep up to the cows
+if a bear comes arter 'em and chases 'em, and if I fall
+astarn, he'll just snap up a plump little corn fed feller
+like me in less than half no time. Cryin',' says I,
+'though, will do no good. You must be up and doin', Sam,
+or it's gone goose with you.'
+
+"So a thought struck me. Father had always been a-talkin'
+to me about the leadin' men, and makin' acquaintance with
+the political big bugs when I growed up and havin' a
+patron, and so on. Thinks I, I'll take the leadin' cow
+for my patron. So I jist goes and cuts a long tough ash
+saplin, and takes the little limbs off of it, and then
+walks along side of Mooley, as meachin' as you please,
+so she mightn't suspect nothin', and then grabs right
+hold of her tail, and yelled and screamed like mad, and
+wallopped away at her like any thing.
+
+"Well, the way she cut dirt was cautionary; she cleared
+stumps, ditches, windfalls and every thing, and made a
+straight track of it for home as the crow flies. Oh, she
+was a dipper: she fairly flow again, and if ever she
+flagged, I laid it into her with the ash saplin, and away
+we started agin, as if Old Nick himself was arter us.
+
+"But afore I reached home, the rest of the cows came a
+bellowin', and a roarin' and a-racin' like mad arter us,
+and gained on us too, so as most to overtake us, jist as
+I come to the bars of the cow yard, over went Mooler,
+like a fox, brought me whap up agin 'em, which knocked
+all the wind out of my lungs and the fire out of my eyes,
+and laid me sprawlin on the ground, and every one of the
+flock went right slap over me, all but one--poor Brindle.
+She never came home agin. Bear nabbed her, and tore her
+most ridiculous. He eat what he wanted, which was no
+trifle, I can tell you, and left the rest till next time.
+
+"Don't talk to me. Squire. about merits. We all want a
+lift in this world; sunthin' or another to lay hold on,
+to help us along--_we want the cow's tail_.
+
+"Tell your friend, the female widder, she has got hold
+of the wrong cow by the tail in gettin' hold of you, for
+you are nothin' but a despisable colonist; but to look
+out for some patron here, some leadin' man, or great
+lord, to clinch fast hold of him, and stick to him like
+a leach, and if he flags, (for patrons, like old Mooley,
+get tired sometimes), to recollect the ash saplin, to
+lay into him well, and keep him at it, and no fear but
+he'll carry her through. He'll fetch her home safe at
+last, and no mistake, depend on it, Squire. The best
+lesson that little boy could be taught, is, that of _the
+Patron, or the Cows Tail_."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+ASCOT RACES.
+
+To-day I visited Ascot. Race-courses are similar every
+where, and present the same objects; good horses, cruel
+riders, knowing men, dupes, jockeys, gamblers, and a
+large assemblage of mixed company. But this is a gayer
+scene than most others; and every epithet, appropriate
+to a course, diminutive or otherwise, must he in the
+superlative degree when applied to Ascot. This is the
+general, and often the only impression that most men
+carry away with them.
+
+Mr. Slick, who regards these things practically, called
+my attention to another view of it.
+
+"Squire," said he, "I'd a plaguy sight sooner see Ascot
+than any thing else to England. There ain't nothin' like
+it. I don't mean the racin', because they can't go ahead
+like us, if they was to die for it. We have colts that
+can whip chain lightnin', on a pinch. Old Clay trotted
+with it once all round an orchard, and beat it his whole
+length, but it singed his tail properly as he passed it,
+you may depend. It ain't its runnin' I speak of, therefore,
+though that ain't mean nother; but it's got another
+featur', that you'll know it by from all others. Oh it's
+an everlastin' pity you warn't here, when I was to England
+last time. Queen was there then; and where she is, of
+coarse all the world and its wife is too. She warn't
+there this year, and it sarves folks right. If I was an
+angelyferous queen, like her, I wouldn't go nowhere till
+I had a tory minister, and then a feller that had a
+"trigger-eye" would stand a chance to get a white
+hemp-neckcloth. I don't wonder Hume don't like young
+England; for when that boy grows up, he'll teach some
+folks that they had better let some folks alone, or some
+folks had better take care of some folks' ampersands
+that's all.
+
+"The time I speak of, people went in their carriages,
+and not by railroad. Now, pr'aps you don't know, in fact
+you can't know, for you can't cypher, colonists ain't no
+good at figurs, but if you did know, the way to judge of
+a nation is by its private carriages. From Hyde Park
+corner to Ascot Heath, is twenty odd miles. Well, there
+was one whole endurin' stream of carriages all the way,
+sometimes havin' one or two eddies, and where the toll-gates
+stood, havin' still water for ever so far. Well, it flowed
+and flowed on for hours and hours without stoppin', like
+a river; and when you got up to the race-ground, there
+was the matter of two or three tiers of carriages, with
+the hosses off, packed as close as pins in a paper.
+
+"It costs near hand to twelve hundred dollars a-year to
+keep up a carriage here. Now for goodness' sake jist
+multiply that everlastin' string of carriages by three
+hundred pounds each, and see what's spent in that way
+every year, and then multiply that by ten hundred thousand
+more that's in other places to England you don't see,
+and then tell me if rich people here ain't as thick as
+huckleberries."
+
+"Well, when you've done, go to France, to Belgium, and
+to Prussia, three sizeable places for Europe, and rake
+and scrape every private carriage they've got, and they
+ain't no touch to what Ascot can show. Well, when you've
+done your cypherin', come right back to London, as hard
+as you can clip from the race-course, and you won't miss
+any of 'em; the town is as full as ever, to your eyes.
+A knowin' old coon, bred and born to London, might, but
+you couldn't.
+
+"Arter that's over, go and pitch the whole bilin' of 'em
+into the Thames, hosses, carriages, people, and all; and
+next day, if it warn't for the black weepers and long
+faces of them that's lost money by it, and the black
+crape and happy faces of them that's got money, or titles,
+or what not by it, you wouldn't know nothin' about it.
+Carriages wouldn't rise ten cents in the pound in the
+market. A stranger, like you, if you warn't told, wouldn't
+know nothin' was the matter above common. There ain't
+nothin' to England shows its wealth like this.
+
+"Says father to me when I came back, 'Sam,' sais he,
+'what struck you most?'
+
+"'Ascot Races,' sais I.
+
+"'Jist like you,' sais he. 'Hosses and galls is all you
+think of. Wherever they be, there you are, that's a fact.
+You're a chip of the old block, my boy. There ain't
+nothin' lake 'em; is there?'
+
+"Well, he was half right, was father. It's worth seein'
+for hosses and galls too; but it's worth seein' for its
+carriage wealth alone. Heavens and airth, what a rich
+country it must be that has such a show in that line as
+England. Don't talk of stock, for it may fail; or
+silver-smiths' shops, for you can't tell what's plated;
+or jewels, for they may be paste; or goods, for they may
+be worth only half nothin'; but talk of the carriages,
+them's the witnesses that don't lie.
+
+"And what do they say? 'Calcutta keeps me, and China
+keeps me, and Bot'ney Bay keeps me, and Canada keeps me,
+and Nova Scotia keeps me, and the whales keep me, and
+the white bears keep me, and every thing on the airth
+keeps me, every thing under the airth keeps me. In short,
+all the world keeps me.'"
+
+"No, not all the world, Sam," said Mr. Hopewell; "there
+are some repudiative States that _don't keep me_; and if
+you go to the auction rooms, you'll see some beautiful
+carriages for sale, that say, 'the United States' Bank
+used to keep me,' and some more that say, 'Nick Biddle
+put me down.'"
+
+"Minister, I won't stand that," said Mr. Slick. "I won't
+stay here and hear you belittle Uncle Sam that way for
+nothin'. He ain't wuss than John Bull, arter all. Ain't
+there no swindle-banks here? Jist tell me that. Don't
+our liners fetch over, every trip, fellers that cut and
+run from England, with their fobs filled with other men's
+money? Ain't there lords in this country that know how
+to "repudiate" as well as ring-tail-roarers in ourn. So
+come now, don't throw stones till you put your
+window-shutters to, or you may stand a smart chance of
+gettin' your own glass broke, that's a fact.'
+
+"And then, Squire, jist look at the carriages. I'll bet
+you a goose and trimmin's you can't find their ditto
+nowhere. They _are_ carriages, and no mistake, that's
+a fact. Look at the hosses, the harness, the paint, the
+linin's, the well-dressed, lazy, idle, infarnal hansum
+servants, (these rascals, I suspicion, are picked out
+for their looks), look at the whole thing all through
+the piece, take it, by and large, stock, lock, and barrel,
+and it's the dandy, that's a fact. Don't it cost money,
+that's all? Sumtotalize it then, and see what it all
+comes to. It would make your hair stand on eend, I know.
+If it was all put into figure, it would reach clean across
+the river; and if it was all put into dollars, it would
+make a solid tire of silver, and hoop the world round
+and round, like a wheel.
+
+"If you want to give a man an idea of England, Squire,
+tell him of Ascot; and if you want to cram him, get old
+Multiplication-table Joe H-- to cast it up; for he'll
+make it come to twice as much as it railly is, and that
+will choke him. Yes, Squire, _stick to Ascot_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+THE GANDER PULLING.
+
+A cunning man is generally a suspicious one, and is as
+often led into error himself by his own misconceptions,
+as protected from imposition by his habitual caution.
+
+Mr. Slick, who always acted on a motive, and never on an
+impulse, and who concealed his real objects behind
+ostensible ones, imagined that everybody else was governed
+by the same principle of action; and, therefore, frequently
+deceived himself by attributing designs to others that
+never existed but in his own imagination.
+
+Whether the following story of the gander pulling was a
+fancy sketch of the Attache, or a narrative of facts,
+_I_ had no means of ascertaining. Strange interviews and
+queer conversations he constantly had with official as
+well as private individuals, but as he often gave his
+opinions the form of an anecdote, for the purpose of
+interesting his hearers, it was not always easy to decide
+whether his stories were facts or fictions.
+
+If, on the present occasion, it was of the latter
+description, it is manifest that he entertained no very
+high opinion of the constitutional changes effected in
+the government of the colonies by the Whigs, during their
+long and perilous rule. If of the former kind, it is to
+be lamented that he concealed his deliberate convictions
+under an allegorical piece of humour. His disposition to
+"humbug" was so great, it was difficult to obtain a plain
+straightforward reply from him; but had the Secretary of
+State put the question to him in direct terms, what he
+thought of Lord Durham's "Responsible government," and
+the practical working of it under Lord Sydenham's and
+Sir Charles Bagot's administration, he would have obtained
+a plain and intelligible answer. If the interview to
+which he alludes ever did take place, (which I am bound
+to add, is very doubtful, notwithstanding the minuteness
+with which it is detailed), it is deeply to be regretted
+that he was not addressed in that frank manner which
+could alone elicit his real sentiments; for I know of no
+man so competent to offer an opinion on these subjects
+as himself.
+
+To govern England successfully, it is necessary to know
+the temper of Englishmen. Obvious as this appears to be,
+the frequent relinquishment of government measures, by
+the dominant party, shows that their own statesmen are
+sometimes deficient in this knowledge.
+
+Mr. Slick says, that if Sir James Graham had consulted
+him, _he_ could have shown him how to carry the educational
+clauses of his favourite bill This, perhaps, is rather
+an instance of Mr. Slick's vanity, than a proof of his
+sagacity. But if this species of information is not easy
+of attainment here, even by natives, how difficult must
+it be to govern a people three thousand miles off, who
+differ most materially in thought, word, and deed, from
+their official rulers.
+
+Mr. Slick, when we had not met during the day, generally
+visited me at night, about the time I usually returned
+from a dinner-party, and amused me by a recital of his
+adventures.
+
+"Squire," said he, "I have had a most curious capur
+to-day, and one that will interest you, I guess. Jist as
+I was a settin' down to breakfast this mornin', and was
+a turnin' of an egg inside out into a wine-glass, to
+salt, pepper and batter it for Red-lane Alley, I received
+a note from a Mister Pen, saying the Right Honourable
+Mr. Tact would be glad, if it was convenient, if I would
+call down to his office, to Downin' Street, to-day, at
+four o'clock. Thinks says I to myself, 'What's to pay
+now? Is it the Boundary Line, or Creole Case, or Colonial
+Trade, or the Burnin' of the Caroline, or Right o' Sarch?
+or what national subject is on the carpet to-day?
+Howsundever,' sais I, 'let the charge be what it will,
+slugs, rifle-bullets, or powder, go I must, that's a
+fact.' So I tips him a shot right off; here's the draft,
+Sir; it's in reg'lar state lingo.
+
+   "Sir,
+
+   "I have the high honour to acknowledge the receipt of
+   your letter of this present first of June instant and
+   note its contents. The conference (subject unknown),
+   proffered by the Right Honourable Mr. Tact, I accede
+   to hereby protesting and resarving all rights of
+   conformation and reniggin' of our Extraordinary
+   Embassador, now absent from London, at the great
+   agricultural meetin'. I would suggest, next time, it
+   would better convene to business, to insart subject
+   of discussion, to prevent being taken at a short.
+
+   "I have to assure you of the high consideration of
+   your most obedient servant to command.
+
+   "THE HON. SAM SLICK,
+
+   "Attache".
+
+"Well, when the time comes, I rigs up, puts on the legation
+coat, calls a cab, and downs to Downing Street, and looks
+as dignified as I cleverly knew how.
+
+"When I enters the outer door, I sees a man in an arm-chair
+in the entry, and he looked like a buster, I tell you,
+jist ready to blow up with the steam of all the secrets
+he had in his byler.
+
+"'Can I see Mr. Tact?' sais I.
+
+"'Tell you directly,' sais he, jist short like; for
+Englishmen are kinder costive of words; they don't use
+more nor will do, at no time; and he rings a bell. This
+brings in his second in command; and sais he, 'Pray walk
+in here, if you please, Sir,' and he led me into a little
+plain, stage-coach-house lookin' room, with nothin' but
+a table and two or three chairs in it; and says he, 'Who
+shall I say, Sir?'
+
+"'The Honourable Mr. Slick,' sais I, 'Attache of the
+American Legation to the court of Saint Jimses' Victoria.'
+
+"Off he sot; and there I waited and waited for ever so
+long, but he didn't come back. Well, I walked to the
+winder and looked out, but there was nothin' to see there;
+and then I turned and looked at a great big map on the
+wall, and there was nothin' I didn't know there; and then
+I took out my pen-knife to whittle, but my nails was all
+whittled off already, except one, and that was made into
+a pen, and I didn't like to spile that; and as there
+wasn't any thing I could get hold of, I jist slivered a
+great big bit off the leg of the chair, and began to make
+a toothpick of it. And when I had got that finished, I
+begins to get tired; for nothin' makes me so peskilly
+oneasy as to be kept waitin'; for if a Clockmaker don't
+know the valy of time, who the plague does?
+
+"So jist to pass it away, I began to hum 'Jim Brown.'
+Did you ever hear it, Squire? it's a'most a beautiful
+air, as most all them nigger songs are. I'll make you a
+varse, that will suit a despisable colonist exactly.
+
+  "I went up to London, the capital of the nation,
+   To see Lord Stanley, and get a sitivation.
+   Says he to me, 'Sam Slick, what can you do?'
+   Says I, 'Lord Stanley, jist as much as you.
+   Liberate the rebels, and 'mancipate the niggers.
+   Hurror for our side, and damn thimble-riggers.
+
+"Airth and seas! If you was to sing that 'ere song there,
+how it would make 'em stare; wouldn't it? Such words as
+them was never heerd in that patronage office, I guess;
+and yet folks must have often thort it too; that's a
+fact.
+
+"I was a hummin' the rael 'Jim Brown,' and got as far
+as:
+
+   Play upon the banjo, play upon the fiddle,
+   Walk about the town, and abuse old Biddle,
+
+when I stopped right in the middle of it, for it kinder
+sorter struck it me warn't dignified to be a singin' of
+nigger-catches that way. So says I to myself, 'This ain't
+respectful to our great nation to keep a high functionary
+a waitin' arter this fashion, is it? Guess I'd better
+assart the honour of our republic by goin' away; and let
+him see that it warn't me that was his lackey last year.'
+
+"Well, jist as I had taken the sleeve of my coat and
+given my hat a rub over with it, (a good hat will carry
+off an old suit of clothes any time, but a new suit of
+clothes will never carry off an old hat, so I likes to
+keep my hat in good order in a general way). Well, jist
+as I had done, in walks the porter's first leftenant;
+and sais he, 'Mr. Tact will see you, Sir.'
+
+"'He come plaguy near not seein' of me, then,' sais I;
+'for I had jist commenced makin' tracks as you come in.
+The next time he sends for me, tell him not to send till
+he is ready, will you? For it's a rule o' mine to tag
+arter no man.'
+
+"The critter jist stopped short, and began to see whether
+that spelt treason or no. He never heerd freedom o' speech
+afore, that feller, I guess, unless it was somebody a
+jawin' of him, up hill and down dale; so sais I, 'Lead
+off, my old 'coon, and I will foller you, and no mistake,
+if you blaze the line well.'
+
+"So he led me up stairs, opened a door, and 'nounced me;
+and there was Mr. Tact, sittin' at a large table, all
+alone.
+
+"'How do you do, Mr. Slick,' says he. 'I am very glad to
+see you. Pray be seated.' He really was a very gentlemanlike
+man, was Squire Tact, that's a fact. Sorry I kept you
+waitin' so long,' sais he, 'but the Turkish Ambassador
+was here at the time, and I was compelled to wait until
+he went. I sent for you, Sir, a-hem!' and he rubbed his
+hand acrost his mouth, and looked' up at the cornish,
+and said, 'I sent for you, Sir, ahem!'--(thinks I, I see
+now. All you will say for half an hour is only throw'd
+up for a brush fence, to lay down behind to take aim
+through; and arter that, the first shot is the one that's
+aimed at the bird), 'to explain to you about this African
+Slave Treaty,' said he. 'Your government don't seem to
+comprehend me in reference to this Right of Sarch.
+Lookin' a man in the face, to see he is the right man,
+and sarchin' his pockets, are two very different things.
+You take, don't you?'
+
+"'I'm up to snuff, Sir,' sais I, 'and no mistake.' I
+know'd well enough that warn't what he sent for me for,
+by the way he humm'd and hawed when he began.
+
+"'Taking up a trunk, as every hotel-keeper does and has
+a right to do, and examinin' the name on the brass plate
+to the eend on't, is one thing; forcin' the lock and
+ransackin' the contents, is another. One is precaution,
+the other is burglary.'
+
+"'It tante burglary,' sais I, 'unless the lodger sleeps
+in his trunk. It's only--'
+
+"'Well,' says he, a colourin' up, 'that's technical. I
+leave these matters to my law officers.'
+
+"I larnt that little matter of law from brother Eldad,
+the lawyer, but I guess I was wrong there. I don't think
+I had ought to have given him that sly poke; but I didn't
+like his talkin' that way to me. Whenever a feller tries
+to pull the wool over your eyes, it's a sign he don't
+think high of your onderstandin'. It isn't complimental,
+that's a fact. 'One is a serious offence, I mean, sais
+he; 'the other is not. We don't want to sarch; we only
+want to look a slaver in the face, and see whether he is
+a free and enlightened American or not. If he is, the
+_flag of liberty_ protects him and _his slaves_; if he
+ain't, it don't protect him, nor them nother.'
+
+"Then he did a leadin' article on slavery, and a paragraph
+on non-intervention, and spoke a little soft sawder about
+America, and wound up by askin' me if he had made himself
+onderstood.
+
+"'Plain as a boot-jack,' sais I.
+
+"When that was over, he took breath. He sot back on his
+chair, put one leg over the other, and took a fresh
+departur' agin.
+
+"'I have read your books, Mr. Slick,' said he, 'and read
+'em, too, with great pleasure. You have been a great
+traveller in your day. You've been round the world a'most,
+haven't you?'
+
+"'Well,' sais I, 'I sharn't say I hante.'
+
+"'What a deal of information a man of your observation
+must have acquired.' (He is a gentlemanly man, that you
+may depend. I don't know when I've see'd one so well
+mannered.)
+
+"'Not so much, Sir, as you would suppose,' sais I.
+
+"'Why how so?' sais he.
+
+"'Why,' sais I, 'the first time a man goes round the
+world, he is plaguy skeered for fear of fallin' off the
+edge; the second time he gets used to it, and larns a
+good deal.'
+
+"'Fallin' off the edge!' sais he; 'what an original idea
+that is. That's one of your best. I like your works for
+that they are original. We have nothin' but imitations
+now. Fallin' off the the edge, that's capital. I must
+tell Peel that; for he is very fond of that sort of
+thing.'
+
+"He was a very pretty spoken man, was Mr. Tact; he is
+quite the gentleman, that's a fact. I love to hear him
+talk; he is so very perlite, and seems to take a likin'
+to me parsonally."
+
+Few men are so open to flattery as Mr. Slick; and although
+"soft sawder" is one of the artifices he constantly uses
+in his intercourse with others, he is often thrown off
+of his guard by it himself. How much easier it is to
+discover the weaknesses of others than to see our own!
+
+But to resume the story.
+
+"'You have been a good deal in the colonies, haven't
+you?' said he.
+
+"'Considerable sum,' sais I. Now, sais I to myself, this
+is the rael object he sent for me for; but I won't tell
+him nothin'. If he'd a up and askt me right off the reel,
+like a man, he'd a found me up to the notch; but he thort
+to play me off. Now I'll sarve him out his own way; so
+here goes.
+
+"'Your long acquaintance with the provinces, and familiar
+intercourse with the people,' sais he, 'must have made
+you quite at home on all colonial topics.'
+
+"'I thought so once,' sais I; 'but I don't think so now
+no more, Sir.'
+
+"'Why how is that?' sais he.
+
+"'Why, Sir,' sais I, 'you can hold a book so near your
+eyes as not to be able to read a word of it; hold it off
+further, and get the right focus, and you can read
+beautiful. Now the right distance to see a colony, and
+know all about it, is England. Three thousand miles is
+the right focus for a political spy-glass. A man livin'
+here, and who never was out of England, knows twice as
+much about the provinces as I do.'
+
+"'Oh, you are joking,' sais he.
+
+"Not a bit,' sais I. 'I find folks here that not only
+know every thing about them countries, but have no doubts
+upon any matter, and ask no questions; in fact, they not
+only know more than me, but more than the people themselves
+do, what they want. It's curious, but it's a fact. A
+colonist is the most beautiful crittur in natur to try
+experiments on, you ever see; for he is so simple and
+good-natured he don't know no better; and so weak, he
+couldn't help himself if he did. There's great fun in
+making these experiments, too. It puts me in mind of
+"Gander Pulling;" you know what this is, don't you?'
+
+"'No,' he said. 'I never heard of it. Is it an American
+sport?'
+
+"'Yes,' sais I, 'it is; and the most excitin' thing, too,
+you ever see.'
+
+"'You are a very droll man. Mr Slick,' said he, 'a very
+droll man indeed. In all your books there is a great deal
+of fun; but in all your fun, there is a meanin'. Your
+jokes hit, and hit pretty hard, too, sometimes. They make
+a man think as well as laugh. But. describe this Gander
+Pulling.'
+
+"'Well, I'll tell you how it is,' sais I. 'First and
+foremost, a ring-road is formed, like a small race-course;
+then, two great long posts is fixed into the ground, one
+on each side of the road, and a rope made fast by the
+eends to each post, leavin' the middle of the rope to
+hang loose in a curve. Well, then they take a gander and
+pick his neck as clean as a babby's, and then grease it
+most beautiful all the way from the breast to the head,
+till it becomes as slippery as a soaped eel. Then they
+tie both his legs together with a strong piece of cord,
+of the size of a halyard, and hang him by the feet to
+the middle of the swingin' rope, with his head downward.
+All the youngsters, all round the county, come to see
+the sport, mounted a horseback.
+
+"'Well, the owner of the goose goes round with his hat,
+and gets so much a-piece in it from every one that enters
+for the "Pullin';" and when all have entered, they bring
+their hosses in a line, one arter another; and at the
+words, 'Go ahead!' off they set, as hard as they can
+split; and as they pass under the goose, make a grab at
+him; and whoever carries off the head, wins.
+
+"'Well, the goose dodges his head and flaps his wings,
+and swings about so, it ain't no easy matter to clutch
+his neck; and when you do, it's so greasy, it slips right
+through the fingers, like, nothin'. Sometimes it takes
+so long, that the hosses are fairly beat out, and can't
+scarcely raise a gallop; and then a man stands by the
+post, with a heavy loaded whip, to lash 'em on, so that
+they mayn't stand under the goose, which ain't fair. The
+whoopin', and hollerin', and screamin', and bettin', and
+excitement, beats all; there ain't hardly no sport equal
+to it. It's great fun _to all except the poor
+goosey-gander_.
+
+"'The game of colony government to Canady, for some years
+back, puts me in mind of that exactly. Colonist has had
+his heels put where his head used to be, this some time
+past. He has had his legs tied, and his neck properly
+greased, I tell _you_; and the way every parliament man,
+and governor, and secretary, gallops round and round,
+one arter another, a grabbin' at poor colonist, ain't no
+matter. Every new one on 'em that comes, is confident he
+is a goin' to settle it; but it slips through his hand,
+and off he goes, properly larfed at.
+
+"'They have pretty nearly fixed goosey colonist, though;
+he has got his neck wrung several times; it's twisted
+all a one side, his tongue hangs out, and he squeaks
+piteous, that's a fact. Another good grab or two will
+put him out o' pain; and it's a pity it wouldn't, for no
+created critter can live long, turned wrong eend up, that
+way. But the sport will last long arter that; for arter
+his neck is broke, it ain't no easy matter to get the
+head off; the cords that tie that on, are as thick as
+your finger. It's the greatest fun out there you ever
+see, _to all except poor goosey colonist_.
+
+"'I've larfed ready to kill myself at it. Some o' these
+Englishers that come out, mounted for the sport, and
+expect a peerage as a reward for bringin' home the head
+and settlin' the business for colonist, do cut such
+figurs, it would make you split; and they are all so
+everlastin' consaited, they won't take no advice. The
+way they can't do it is cautionary. One gets throwed,
+another gets all covered with grease, a third loses his
+hat, a fourth gets run away with by his horse, a fifth
+sees he can't do it, makes some excuse, and leaves the
+ground afore the sport is over; and now and then, an
+unfortunate critter gets a hyste that breaks his own
+neck. There is only one on 'em that I have see'd out
+there, that can do it right.
+
+"It requires some experience, that's a fact. But let John
+Bull alone for that; he is a critter that thinks he knows
+every thing; and if you told him he didn't, he wouldn't
+believe you, not he. He'd only pity your ignorance, and
+look dreadful sorry for you. Oh if you want to see high
+life, come and see "a colonial gander pulling."
+
+"'Tying up a goose, Sir, is no great harm,' sais I,
+'seein' that a goose was made to be killed, picked and
+devoured, and nothin' else. Tyin' up a colonist by the
+heels is another thing. I don't think it right; but I
+don't know nothin'; I've had the book too close to my
+eyes. Joe H--e, that never was there, can tell you twice
+as much as I can about the colonies. The focus to see
+right, as I said afore, is three thousand miles off.'
+
+"'Well,' sais he, 'that's a capital illustration, Mr.
+Slick. There is more in that than meets the ear. Don't
+tell me you don't know nothin' about the colonies; few
+men know so much as you do. I wish to heavens you was a
+colonist,' sais he; 'if you were, I would offer you a
+government.'
+
+"'I don't doubt it,' sais I; 'seein' that your department
+have advanced or rewarded so many colonists already.'
+But I don't think he heard that shot, and I warn't sorry
+for it; for it's not right to be a pokin' it into a
+perlite man, is it?
+
+"'I must tell the Queen that story of _the Gander Pulling_,'
+sais he; 'I like it amazingly. It's a capital caricature.
+I'll send the idea to H. B. Pray name some day when you
+are disengaged; I hope you will give me the pleasure of
+dining with me. Will this day fortnight suit you?'
+
+"'Thank you,' sais I, 'I shall have great pleasure.'
+
+"He railly was a gentlemany man that. He was so good
+natured, and took the joke so well, I was kinder sorry
+I played it off on him. I hante see'd no man to England
+I affection so much as Mr. Tact, I swear! I begin to
+think, arter all, it was the right of _sarchin' vessels_
+he wanted to talk to me about, instead of _sarchin' me_,
+as I suspicioned. It don't do always _to look for motives,
+men often act without any_. The next time, if he axes
+me, I'll talk plain, and jist tell him what I _do_ think;
+but still, if he reads that riddle right, he may larn a
+good deal, too, from the story of "the Gander Pulling,"
+mayn't he?"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+THE BLACK STOLE.
+
+The foregoing sketch exhibits a personal trait in Mr.
+Slick's character, the present a national one. In the
+interview, whether real or fanciful, that he alleges to
+have had with one of the Secretaries of State, he was
+not disposed to give a direct reply, because his habitual
+caution led him to suspect that an attempt was made to
+draw him out on a particular topic without his being made
+aware of the object. On the present occasion, he exhibits
+that irritability, which is so common among all his
+countrymen, at the absurd accounts that travellers give
+of the United States in general, and the gross exaggerations
+they publish of the state of slavery in particular.
+
+That there is a party in this country, whose morbid
+sensibility is pandered to on the subject of negro
+emancipation there can be no doubt, as is proved by the
+experiment made by Mr. Slick, recorded in this chapter.
+
+On this subject every man has a right to his own opinions,
+but any interference with the municipal regulations of
+another country, is so utterly unjustifiable, that it
+cannot be wondered at that the Americans resent the
+conduct of the European abolishionists, in the most
+unqualified and violent manner.
+
+The conversation that I am now about to repeat, took
+place on the Thames. Our visits, hitherto, had been
+restricted by the rain to London. To-day, the weather
+being fine, we took passage on board of a steamer, and
+went to Greenwich.
+
+While we were walking up and down the deck, Mr. Slick
+again adverted to the story of the government spies with
+great warmth. I endeavoured, but in vain, to persuade
+him that no regular organized system of espionage existed
+in England. He had obtained a garbled account of one or
+two occurrences, and his prejudice, (which, notwithstanding
+his disavowal, I knew to be so strong, as to warp all
+his opinions of England and the English), immediately
+built up a system, which nothing I could say, could at
+all shake.
+
+I assured him the instances he had mentioned were isolated
+and unauthorized acts, told in a very distorted manner
+but mitigated, as they really were, when truly related,
+they were at the time received with the unanimous
+disapprobation of every right-thinking man in the kingdom,
+and that the odium which had fallen on the relators, was
+so immeasurably greater than what had been bestowed on
+the thoughtless principals, that there was no danger of
+such things again occurring in our day. But he was
+immovable.
+
+"Oh, of course, it isn't true," he said, "and every
+Englishman will swear it's a falsehood. But you must not
+expect us to disbelieve it, nevertheless; for your
+travellers who come to America, pick up here and there,
+some absurd ontruth or another; or, if they are all picked
+up already, invent one; and although every man, woman,
+and child is ready to take their bible oaths it is a bam,
+yet the English believe this one false witness in preference
+to the whole nation.
+
+"You must excuse me, Squire; you have a right to your
+opinion, though it seems you have no right to blart it
+out always; but I am a freeman, I was raised in Slickville,
+Onion County, State of Connecticut, United States of
+America, which _is_ a free country, and no mistake; and
+I have a right to my opinion, and a right to speak it,
+too; and let me see the man, airl or commoner,
+parliamenterer or sodger officer, that dare to report
+me, I guess he'd wish he'd been born a week later, that's
+all. I'd make a caution of him, _I_ know. I'd polish his
+dial-plate fust, and then I'd feel his short ribs, so as
+to make him larf, a leetle jist a leetle the loudest he
+ever heerd. Lord, he'd think thunder and lightnin' a mint
+julip to it. I'd ring him in the nose as they do pigs in
+my country, to prevent them rootin' up what they hadn't
+ought."
+
+Having excited himself by his own story, he first imagined
+a case and then resented it, as if it had occurred. I
+expressed to him my great regret that he should visit
+England with these feelings and prejudices, as I had
+hoped his conversation would have been as rational and
+as amusing as it was in Nova Scotia, and concluded by
+saying that I felt assured he would find that no such
+prejudice existed here against his countrymen, as he
+entertained towards the English.
+
+"Lord love you!" said he, "I have no prejudice. I am the
+most candid man you ever see. I have got some grit, but
+I ain't ugly, I ain't indeed."
+
+"But you are wrong about the English; and I'll prove it
+to you. Do you see that turkey there?" said he.
+
+"Where?" I asked. "I see no turkey; indeed, I have seen
+none on board. What do you mean?"
+
+"Why that slight, pale-faced, student-like Britisher; he
+is a turkey, that feller. He has been all over the Union,
+and he is a goin' to write a book. He was at New York
+when we left, and was introduced to me in the street. To
+make it liquorish, he has got all the advertisements
+about runaway slaves, sales of niggers, cruel mistresses
+and licentious masters, that he could pick up. He is a
+caterer and panderer to English hypocrisy. There is
+nothin' too gross for him to swaller. We call them turkeys;
+first because they travel so fast--for no bird travels
+hot foot that way, except it be an ostrich--and second,
+because they gobble up every thing that comes in their
+way. Them fellers will swaller a falsehood as fast as a
+turkey does a grasshopper; take it right down whole,
+without winkin'.
+
+"Now, as we have nothin' above particular to do, 'I'll
+cram him' for you; I will show you how hungry he'll bite
+at a tale of horror, let it be never so onlikely; how
+readily he will believe it, because it is agin us; and
+then, when his book comes out, you shall see that all
+England will credit it, though I swear I invented it as
+a cram, and you swear you heard it told as a joke. They've
+drank in so much that is strong, in this way, have the
+English, they require somethin' sharp enough to tickle
+their palates now. Wine hante no taste for a man that
+drinks grog, that's a fact. It's as weak as Taunton water.
+Come and walk up and down deck along with me once or
+twice, and then we will sit down by him, promiscuously
+like; and as soon as I get his appetite sharp, see how
+I will cram him."
+
+"This steam-boat is very onsteady to-day. Sir," said Mr.
+Slick; "it's not overly convenient walking, is it?"
+
+The ice was broken. Mr. Slick led him on by degrees to
+his travels, commencing with New England, which the
+traveller eulogised very much. He then complimented him
+on the accuracy of his remarks and the depth of his
+reflections, and concluded by expressing a hope that he
+would publish his observations soon, as few tourists were
+so well qualified for the task as himself.
+
+Finding these preliminary remarks taken in good part, he
+commenced the process of "cramming."
+
+"But oh, my friend," said he, with a most sanctimonious
+air, "did you visit, and I am ashamed as an American
+citizen to ask the question, I feel the blood a tannin'
+of my cheek when I inquire, did you visit the South? That
+land that is polluted with slavery, that land where the
+boastin' and crackin' of freemen pile up the agony pangs
+on the corroding wounds inflicted by the iron chains of
+the slave, until natur can't stand it no more; my heart
+bleeds like a stuck critter, when I think of this plague
+spot on the body politic. I ought not to speak thus;
+prudence forbids it, national pride forbids it; but
+genu_wine_ feelings is too strong for polite forms. 'Out
+of the fulness of the heart the mouth speaketh.' Have
+you been there?"
+
+"Turkey" was thrown off his guard, he opened his wallet,
+which was well stocked, and retailed his stories, many
+of them so very rich, that I doubted the capacity of the
+Attache to out-Herod him. Mr. Slick received these tales
+with evident horror, and complimented the narrator with
+a well simulated groan; and when he had done, said, "Ah,
+I see how it is, they have purposely kept dark about the
+most atrocious features of slavery. Have you never seen
+the Gougin' School?"
+
+"No, never."
+
+"What, not seen the Gougin' School?"
+
+"No, Sir; I never heard of it."
+
+"Why, you don't mean to say so?"
+
+"I do, indeed, I assure you."
+
+"Well, if that don't pass! And you never even heerd tell
+of it, eh?"
+
+"Never, Sir. I have never either seen it or heard of it."
+
+"I thought as much," said Mr. Slick. "I doubt if any
+Britisher ever did or ever will see it. Well, Sir, in
+South Carolina, there is a man called Josiah Wormwood;
+I am ashamed to say he is a Connecticut man. For a
+considerable of a spell, he was a strollin' preacher,
+but it didn't pay in the long run. There is so much
+competition in that line in our country, that he consaited
+the business was overdone, and he opened a Lyceum to
+Charleston South Car, for boxin', wrestlin' and other
+purlite British accomplishments; and a most a beautiful
+sparrer he is, too; I don't know as I ever see a more
+scientific gentleman than he is, in that line. Lately,
+he has halfed on to it the art of gougin' or 'monokolisin,'
+as he calls it, to sound grand; and if it weren't so
+dreadful in its consequences, it sartinly is amost allurin'
+thing, is gougin'. The sleight-of-hand is beautiful. All
+other sleights we know are tricks; but this is reality;
+there is the eye of your adversary in your hand; there
+is no mistake. It's the real thing. You feel you have
+him; that you have set your mark on him, and that you
+have took your satisfaction. The throb of delight felt
+by a 'monokolister' is beyond all conception."
+
+"Oh heavens!" said the traveller, "Oh horror of horrors!
+I never heard any thing so dreadful. Your manner of
+telling it, too, adds to its terrors. You appear to view
+the practice with a proper Christian disgust; and yet
+you talk like an amateur. Oh, the thing is sickening."
+
+"It is, indeed," said Mr. Slick, "particularly to him
+that loses his peeper. But the dexterity, you know, is
+another thing. It is very scientific. He has two niggers,
+has Squire Wormwood, who teach the wrastlin' and
+gouge-sparrin'; but practisin' for the eye is done for
+punishment of runaways. He has plenty of subjects. All
+the planters send their fugit_ive_ niggers there to be
+practised on for an eye. The scholars ain't allowed to
+take more than one eye out of them; if they do, they have
+to pay for the nigger; for he is no sort o' good after,
+for nothin' but to pick oakum. I could go through the
+form, and give you the cries to the life, but I won't;
+it is too horrid; it really is too dreadful."
+
+"Oh do, I beg of you," said the traveller.
+
+"I cannot, indeed; it is too shocking. It will disgust
+you."
+
+"Oh, not at all," said Turkey, "when I know it is simulated,
+and not real, it is another thing."
+
+"I cannot, indeed," said Mr. Slick. "It would shock your
+philanthropic soul, and set your very teeth of humanity
+on edge. But have you ever seen--the Black Stole?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Never seen the Black Stole?"
+
+"No, never."
+
+"Why, it ain't possible? Did you never hear of it nother?"
+
+"No, never. Well now, do tell!"
+
+"So you never heerd tell of it, nor never sot eyes on
+it?"
+
+"Certainly never."
+
+"Well, that bangs the bush, now! I suppose you didn't.
+Guess you never did, and never will, nor no other traveller,
+nother, that ever slept in shoe-leather. They keep dark
+about these atrocities. Well, the Black Stole is a loose
+kind of shirt-coat, like an English carter's frock; only,
+it is of a different colour. It is black instead of white,
+and made of nigger hide, beautifully tanned, and dressed
+as soft as a glove. It ain't every nigger's hide that's
+fit for a stole. If they are too young, it is too much
+like kid; if they are too old, it's like sole leather,
+it's so tough; and if they have been whipt, as all on
+'em have a'most, why the back is all cut to pieces, and
+the hide ruined. It takes several sound nigger skins to
+make a stole; but when made, it's a beautiful article,
+that's a fact.
+
+"It is used on a plantation for punishment. When the whip
+don't do its work, strip a slave, and jist clap on to
+him the Black Stole. Dress him up in a dead man's skin,
+and it frightens him near about to death. You'll hear
+him screetch for a mile a'most, so 'tarnally skeered.
+And the best of the fun is, that all the rest of the
+herd, bulls, cows, and calves, run away from him, jist
+as if he was a panther."
+
+"Fun, Sir! Do you call this fun?"
+
+"Why sartainly I do. Ain't it better nor whippin' to
+death? "What's a Stole arter all? It's nothin' but a
+coat. Philosophizin' on it, Stranger, there is nothin'
+to shock a man. The dead don't feel. Skinnin', then,
+ain't cruel, nor is it immoral. To bury a good hide, is,
+waste--waste is wicked. There are more good hides buried
+in the States, black and white, every year, than would
+pay the poor-rates and state-taxes. They make excellent
+huntin'-coats, and would make beautiful razor-straps,
+bindin' for books, and such like things; it would make
+a noble export. Tannin' in hemlock bark cures the horrid
+nigger flavour. But then, we hante arrived at that state
+of philosophy; and when it is confined to one class of
+the human family, it would be dangerous. The skin of a
+crippled slave might be worth more than the critter was
+himself; and I make no doubt, we should soon hear of a
+stray nigger being shot for his hide, as you do of a
+moose for his skin, and a bear for his fur.
+
+"Indeed, that is the reason (though I shouldn't mention
+it as an Attache), that our government won't now concur
+to suppress the slave trade. They say the prisoners will
+all be murdered, and their peels sold; and that vessels,
+instead of taking, in at Africa a cargo of humans, will
+take in a cargo of hides, as they do to South America.
+As a Christian, a philanthropist, indeed, as a man, this
+is a horrid subject to contemplate, ain't it?"
+
+"Indeed it is," said Turkey. "I feel a little overcome--my
+head swims--I am oppressed with nausea--I must go below."
+
+"How the goney swallered it all, didn't he?" said Mr.
+Slick, with great glee. "Hante he a most a beautiful
+twist that feller? How he gobbled it down, tank, shank
+and flank at a gulp, didn't he. Oh! he is a Turkey and
+no mistake, that chap. But see here, Squire; jist look
+through the skylight. See the goney, how his pencil is
+a leggin' it off, for dear life. Oh, there is great fun
+in crammin' those fellers.
+
+"Now tell me candid, Squire; do you think there is no
+prejudice in the Britishers agin us and our free and
+enlightened country, when they can swaller such stuff as
+the Gougin' School and _Black Stole_?"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+THE PRINCE DE JOINVILLE'S HORSE.
+
+"There is more in that story, Squire," said Mr. Hopewell,
+"of the Patron, and Sam's queer illustration of the Cow's
+Tail, than you are aware of. The machinery of the colonies
+is good enough in itself, but it wants a safety valve.
+When the pressure within is too great, there should be
+something devised to let off the steam. This is a subject
+well worthy of your consideration; and if you have an
+opportunity of conversing with any of the ministry, pray
+draw their attention to it. By not understanding this,
+the English have caused one revolution at home, and
+another in America."
+
+"Exactly," said Mr. Slick. "It reminds me of what I once
+saw done by the Prince de Joinville's horse, on the
+Halifax road."
+
+"Pardon me," said Mr. Hopewell, "you shall have an
+opportunity presently of telling your story of the Prince's
+horse, but suffer me to proceed.
+
+"England, besides other outlets, has a never-failing one
+in the colonies, but the colonies have no outlet. Cromwell
+and Hampden were actually embarked on board of a vessel
+in the Thames, for Boston, when they were prevented from
+sailing by an Order in Council. What was the consequence?
+The sovereign was dethroned. Instead of leading a small
+sect of fanatical puritans, and being the first men of
+a village in Massachussets, they aspired to be the first
+men in an empire, and succeeded. So in the old colonies.
+Had Washington been sent abroad in command of a regiment,
+Adams to govern a colony, Franklin to make experiments
+in an observatory like that at Greenwich, and a more
+extended field been opened to colonial talent, the United
+States would still have continued to be dependencies of
+Great Britain.
+
+"There is no room for men of talent in British America;
+and by not affording them an opportunity of distinguishing
+themselves, or rewarding them when they do, they are
+always ready to make one, by opposition. In comparing
+their situation with that of the inhabitants of the
+British Isles, they feel that they labour under
+disabilities; these disabilities they feel as a degradation;
+and as those who impose that degradation live three
+thousand miles off, it becomes a question whether it is
+better to suffer or resist."
+
+"The Prince de Joinville's horse," said Mr. Slick, "is
+a case in pint."
+
+"One moment, Sam," said Mr. Hopewell.
+
+"The very word 'dependencies' shows the state of the
+colonies. If they are to be retained, they should he
+incorporated with Great Britain. The people should be
+made to feel, not that they are colonists, but Englishmen.
+They may tinker at constitutions as much as they please;
+the root of the evil lies deeper than statesmen are aware
+of. O'Connell, when he agitates for a repeal of the
+Union, if he really has no ulterior objects beyond that
+of an Irish Parliament, does not know what he is talking
+about. If his request were granted, Ireland would become
+a province, and descend from being an integral part of
+the empire, into a dependency. Had he ever lived in a
+colony, he would have known the tendencies of such a
+condition.
+
+"What I desire to see, is the very reverse. Now that
+steam has united the two continents of Europe and America,
+in such a manner that you can travel from Nova Scotia to
+England, in as short a time as it once required to go
+from Dublin to London, I should hope for a united
+legislature. Recollect that the distance from New Orleans
+to the head of the River is greater than from Halifax N.
+S., to Liverpool. I do not want to see colonists and
+Englishmen arrayed against each other, as different races,
+but united as one people, having the same rights and
+privileges, each bearing a share of the public burdens,
+and all having a voice in the general government.
+
+"The love of distinction is natural to man. Three millions
+of people cannot be shut up in a colony. They will either
+turn on each other, or unite against their keepers. The
+road that leads to retirement in the provinces, should
+be open to those whom the hope of distinction invites to
+return and contend for the honours of the empire. At
+present, the egress is practically closed."
+
+"If you was to talk for ever, Minister," said Mr. Slick,
+"you couldn't say more than the Prince de Joinville's
+hoss on that subject."
+
+The interruption was very annoying; for no man I ever
+met, so thoroughly understands the subject of colonial
+government as Mr. Hopewell. His experience is greater
+than that of any man now living, and his views more
+enlarged and more philosophical.
+
+"Go on, Sam," said he with great good humour. "Let us
+hear what the Prince's horse said."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Slick, "I don't jist exactly mean to
+say he spoke, as Balaam's donkey did, in good English or
+French nother; but he did that that spoke a whole book,
+with a handsum wood-cut to the fore, and that's a fact.
+
+"About two years ago, one mortal brilin' hot day, as I
+was a pokin' along the road from Halifax to Windsor, with
+Old Clay in the waggon, with my coat off, a ridin' in my
+shirt-sleeves, and a thinkin' how slick a mint-julep
+would travel down red-lane, if I had it, I heard such a
+chatterin', and laughin', and screamin' as I never a'most
+heerd afore, since I was raised.
+
+"'What in natur' is this,' sais I, as I gave Old Clay a
+crack of the whip, to push on. 'There is some critters
+here, I guess, that have found a haw haw's nest, with a
+tee hee's egg in it. What's in the wind now?' Well, a
+sudden turn of the road brought me to where they was,
+and who should they be but French officers from the
+Prince's ship, travellin' incog. in plain clothes. But,
+Lord bless you, cook a Frenchman any way you please, and
+you can't disguise him. Natur' will out, in spite of
+all, and the name of a Frencher is written as plain as
+any thing in his whiskers, and his hair, and his skin,
+and his coat, and his boots, and his air, and his gait,
+and in everythin', but only let him open his mouth, and
+the cat's out of the bag in no time, ain't it? They are
+droll boys, is the French, that's a fact.
+
+"Well, there was four on 'em dismounted, a holdin' of
+their hosses by the bridle, and a standin' near a spring
+of nice cool water; and there was a fifth, and he was a
+layin' down belly flounder on the ground, a tryin' to
+drink out of the runnin' spring.
+
+"'Parley vous French,' sais I, 'Mountsheer?' At that,
+they sot to, and larfed again more than ever, I thought
+they would have gone into the high strikes, they hee-hawed
+so.
+
+"Well, one on 'em, that was a Duke, as I found out
+afterwards, said 'O yees, Saar, we spoked English too.'
+
+"'Lawful heart!' sais I, 'what's the joke?'
+
+"'Why,' sais he, 'look there, Sare.' And then they larfed
+agin, ready to split; and sore enough, no sooner had the
+Leftenant layed down to drink, than the Prince's hoss
+kneeled down, and put his head jist over his neck, and
+began to drink too. Well, the officer couldn't get up
+for the hoss, and he couldn't keep his face out of the
+water for the hoss, and he couldn't drink for the hoss,
+and he was almost choked to death, and as black in the
+face as your hat. And the Prince and the officers larfed
+so, they couldn't help him, if they was to die for it.
+
+"Sais I to myself, 'A joke is a joke, if it tante carried
+too far, but this critter win be strangled, as sure as
+a gun, if he lays here splutterin' this way much longer.'
+So I jist gives the hoss a dab in the mouth, and made
+him git up; and then sais I, 'Prince,' sais I, for I
+know'd him by his beard, he had one exactly like one of
+the old saint's heads in an Eyetalian pictur, all dressed
+to a pint, so sais I, 'Prince,' and a plaguy handsum man
+he is too, and as full of fun as a kitten, so sais I,
+'Prince,' and what's better, all his officers seemed
+plaguy proud and fond of him too; so sais I, 'Prince,
+voila le condition of one colonist, which,' sais I,
+'Prince, means in English, that leftenant is jist like
+a colonist.'
+
+"'Commong,' sais he, 'how is dat?'
+
+"'Why' sais I, 'Prince, whenever a colonist goes for to
+drink at a spring of the good things in this world, (and
+plaguy small springs we have here too,) and fairly lays
+down to it, jist as he gets his lips cleverly to it, for
+a swig, there is some cussed neck or another, of some
+confounded Britisher, pops right over him, and pins him
+there. He can't get up, he can't back out, and he can't
+drink, and he is blacked and blued in the face, and most
+choked with the weight.'
+
+"'What country was you man of?' said he, for he spoke
+very good for a Frenchman.
+
+"With that I straightened myself up, and looked dignified,
+for I know'd I had a right to be proud, and no mistake;
+sais I, 'Prince, I am an American citizen.' How them two
+words altered him. P'raps there beant no two words to
+ditto 'em. He looked for all the world like a different
+man when he seed I wasn't a mean uncircumcised colonist.
+
+"'Very glad to see you, Mr. Yankee,' said he, 'very glad
+indeed. Shall I have de honour to ride with you a little
+way in your carriage?'
+
+"'As for the matter of that,' sais I, 'Mountsheer Prince,
+the honour is all the other way,' for I can be as civil
+as any man, if he sets out to act pretty and do the thing
+genteel.
+
+"With that he jumped right in, and then he said somethin'
+in French to the officers; some order or another, I
+suppose, about comin on and fetchin' his hoss with them.
+I have hearn in my time, a good many men speak French,
+but I never see the man yet, that could hold a candle to
+_him_. Oh, it was like lightnin', jist one long endurin'
+streak; it seemed all one sentence and one word. It was
+beautiful, but I couldn't onderstand it, it was so
+everlastin' fast.
+
+"'Now,' sais he, 'set sail.' And off we sot, at the rate
+of sixteen notts an hour. Old Clay pleased him, you may
+depend; he turned round and clapped his hands, and larfed,
+and waved his hat to his officers to come on; and they
+whipped, and spurred, and galloped, and raced for dear
+life; but we dropped 'em astarn like any thing, and he
+larfed again, heartier than ever There is no people
+a'most, like to ride so fast as sailors; they crack on,
+like a house a fire.
+
+"Well, arter a while, sais he, 'Back topsails,' and I
+hauled up, and he jumped down, and outs with a pocket
+book, and takes a beautiful gold coronation medal. (It
+was solid gold, no pinchback, but the rael yaller stuff,
+jist fresh from King's shop to Paris, where his money is
+made), and sais he, 'Mr. Yankee, will you accept that to
+remember the Prince de Joinville and his horse by?' And
+then he took off his hat and made me a bow, and if that
+warn't a bow, then I never see one, that's all. I don't
+believe mortal man, unless it was a Philadelphia nigger,
+could make such a bow. It was enough to sprain his ankle
+he curled so low. And then off he went with a hop, skip,
+and a jump, sailor fashion, back to meet his people.
+
+"Now, Squire, if you see Lord Stanley, tell him that
+story of the Prince de Joinville's horse; but before you
+get so far as that, pin him by admissions. When you want
+to get a man on the hip, ax him a question or two, and
+get his answers, and then you have him in a corner, he
+must stand and let you put on the bridle. He cant help
+it no how, he can fix it.
+
+"Says you, 'My Lord'--don't forget his title--every man
+likes the sound of that, it's music to his ears, it's
+like our splendid national air, Yankee Doodle, you never
+get tired of it. 'My Lord,' sais you, 'what do you suppose
+is the reason the French keep Algiers?' Well, he'll up
+and say, it's an outlet for the fiery spirits of France,
+it gives them employment and an opportunity to distinguish
+themselves, and what the climate and the inimy spare,
+become valuable officers. It makes good soldiers out of
+bad subjects.
+
+"'Do you call that good policy?' sais you.
+
+"Well, he's a trump, is Mr. Stanley, at least folks say
+so; and he'll say right off the reel 'onquestionably it
+is--excellent policy.'
+
+"When he says that, you have him bagged, he may flounder
+and spring like a salmon jist caught; but be can't out
+of the landin' net. You've got him, and no mistake. Sais
+you 'what outlet have you for the colonies?'
+
+"Well, he'll scratch his head and stare at that, for a
+space. He'll hum and haw a little to get breath, for he
+never thought of that afore, since he grow'd up; but he's
+no fool, I can tell you, and he'll out with his mould,
+run an answer and be ready for you in no time. He'll say,
+'They don't require none. Sir. They have no redundant
+population. They are an outlet themselves.'
+
+"Sais you, 'I wasn't talking of an outlet for population,
+for France or the provinces nother. I was talking of an
+outlet for the clever men, for the onquiet ones, for the
+fiery spirits.'
+
+"'For that. Sir,' he will say, 'they have the local
+patronage.'
+
+"'Oh!' sais you, 'I warn't aware. I beg pardon, I have
+been absent some time, as long as twenty days or perhaps
+twenty-five, there must have been great changes, since
+I left.'
+
+"'The garrison,' sais you.
+
+"'Is English,' sais he.
+
+"'The armed ships in the harbour?'
+
+"'English.'
+
+"'The governor and his secretary?'
+
+"'English.'
+
+"'The principal officer of customs and principal part of
+his deputies?'
+
+"'English.'
+
+"'The commissariat and the staff?'
+
+"'English to a man.'
+
+"'The dockyard people?'
+
+"'English.'
+
+"'The postmaster giniral?'
+
+"'English.'
+
+"'What, English?' sais you, and look all surprise, as if
+you didn't know. 'I thought he was a colonist, seein'
+the province pays so much for the mails.'
+
+"'No,' he'll say, 'not now; we have jist sent an English
+one over, for we find it's a good thing that.'
+
+"'One word more,' sais you, 'and I have done. If your
+army officers out there, get leave of absence, do you
+stop their pay?'
+
+"'No.'
+
+"'Do you sarve native colonists the same way?'
+
+"'No, we stop half their salaries.'
+
+"'Exactly,' sais you, 'make them feel the difference.
+Always make a nigger feel he is a nigger, or he'll get
+sassy, you may depend. As for patronage,' sais you, 'you
+know as well as I do, that all that's not worth havin',
+is jist left to poor colonist. He is an officer of militia,
+gets no pay and finds his own fit out. Like Don Quixote's
+tailor, he works for nothin' and finds thread. Any other
+little matters of the same kind, that nobody wants, and
+nobody else will take; if Blue-nose makes interest for,
+and has good luck, he can get as a great favour, to
+conciliate his countrymen. No, Minister,' sais you, 'you
+are a clever man, every body sais you are a brick; and
+if you ain't, you talk more like one, than any body I
+have seen this while past. I don't want no office myself,
+if I did p'raps, I wouldn't talk about patronage this
+way; but I am a colonist, I want to see the colonists
+remain so. They _are_ attached to England, that is a
+fact, keep them so, by making them Englishmen. Throw
+the door wide open; patronise them; enlist them in the
+imperial sarvice, allow them a chance to contend for
+honours and let them win them, if they can. If they don't,
+it's their own fault, and cuss 'em they ought to be
+kicked, for if they ain't too lazy, there is no mistake
+in 'em, that's a fact. The country will be proud of them,
+if they go ahead. Their language will change then. It
+will be _our_ army, the delighted critters will say, not
+the English army; _our_ navy, _our_ church, _our_
+parliament, _our_ aristocracy, &c., and the word English
+will be left out holus-bolus, and that proud, that
+endearin' word "our" will be insarted. Do this, and you
+will shew yourself the first statesman of modern times.
+You'll rise right up to the top of the pot, you'll go
+clean over Peel's head, as your folks go over ourn, not
+by jumpin' over him, but by takin' him by the neck and
+squeezin' him down. You 'mancipated the blacks, now
+liberate the colonists and make Englishmen of them, and
+see whether the goneys won't grin from ear to ear, and
+shew their teeth, as well as the niggers did. Don't let
+Yankee clockmakers, (you may say that if you like, if it
+will help your argument,) don't let travellin' Yankee
+clockmakers tell such stories, against _your_ justice
+and _our_ pride as that of the Prince de Joinville and
+his horse.'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+LIFE IN THE COUNTRY.
+
+"Here," said Mr. Sick, "is an invitation for you and me,
+and minister to go and visit Sir Littleeared Bighead,
+down to Yorkshire. You can go if you like, and for once,
+p'raps it's worth goin' to see how these chaps first kill
+time, and then how time kills them in turn. Eatin',
+drinkin', sleepin', growlin', fowlin', and huntin' kills
+time; and gout, aperplexy, dispepsy, and blue devils
+kills them. They are like two fightin' dogs, one dies of
+the thrashin' he gets, and t'other dies of the wounds he
+got a killin' of him. Tit for tat; what's sarce for the
+goose, is sarce for the gander.
+
+"If you want to go, Minister will go with you; but hang
+me if I do. The only thing is, it'll puzzle you to get
+him away, if he gets down there. You never see such a
+crotchical old critter in your life as he is. He flies
+right off the handle for nothin'. He goes strayin' away
+off in the fields and gullies, a browsin' about with a
+hammer, crackin' up bits of stones like walnuts, or
+pickin' up old weeds, faded flowers, and what not; and
+stands starin' at 'em for ever so long, through his
+eye-glass, and keeps a savin' to himself, 'Wonderful
+provision of natur!' Airth and seas! what does he mean?
+How long would a man live on such provision, I should
+like to know, as them bitter yarbs.
+
+"Well, then, he'll jist as soon set down and jaw away by
+the hour together with a dirty-faced, stupid little poodle
+lookin' child, as if it was a nice spry little dog he
+was a trainin' of for treein' partridges; or talk poetry
+with the galls, or corn-law with the patriots, or any
+thing. Nothin' comes amiss to him.
+
+"But what provokes me, is to hear him go blartin' all
+over the country about home scenes, and beautiful landscape,
+and rich vardure. My sakes, the vardure here is so deep,
+it looks like mournin'; it's actilly dismal. Then there's
+no water to give light to the pictur, and no sun to cheer
+it; and the hedges are all square; and the lime trees
+are as stiff as an old gall that was once pretty, and
+has grow'd proud on the memory of it.
+
+"I don't like their landscape a bit, there ain't no natur
+in it. Oh! if you go, take him along with you, for he
+will put you in consait of all you see, except reform,
+dissent, and things o' that kind; for he is an out and
+out old Tory, and thinks nothin' can be changed here for
+the better, except them that don't agree with him.
+
+"He was a warnin' you t'other day not to take all I said
+for Gospel about society here; but you'll see who's right
+and who's wrong afore you've done, I know. I described
+to you, when you returned from Germany, _Dinin' out_ to
+London. Now I'll give you my opinion of "Life in the
+Country." And fust of all, as I was a sayin', there is
+no such thing as natur' here. Every thing is artificial;
+every thing of its kind alike; and every thing oninterestin'
+and tiresome.
+
+"Well, if London is dull, in the way of West Eend people,
+the country, I guess, is a little mucher. Life in the
+country is different, of course, from life in town; but
+still life itself is alike there, exceptin' again _class
+difference_. That is, nobility is all alike, as far as
+their order goes; and country gents is alike, as far as
+their class goes; and the last especially, when they
+hante travelled none, everlastin' flat, in their own way.
+Take a lord, now, and visit him to his country seat, and
+I'll tell you what you will find--a sort of Washington
+State house place. It is either a rail old castle of the
+genuine kind, or a gingerbread crinkum crankum imitation
+of a thing that only existed in fancy, but never was seen
+afore--a thing that's made modern for use, and in ancient
+stile for shew; or else it's a great cold, formal, slice
+of a London terrace, stack on a hill in a wood.
+
+"Well, there is lawn, park, artificial pond called a
+lake, deer that's fashionablized and civilized, and as
+little natur in 'em as the humans have. Kennel and hounds
+for parsicutin' foxes--presarves (not what we call
+presarves, quinces and apple sarce, and green gages done
+in sugar, but preserves for breedin' tame partridges and
+peasants to shoot at), H'aviaries, Hive-eries, H'yew-veris,
+Hot Houses, and so on; for they put an H before every
+word do these critters, and then tell us Yankees we don't
+speak English.
+
+"Well, when you have seen an old and a new house of these
+folks, you have seen all. Featurs differ a little, but
+face of all is so alike, that though p'raps you wouldn't
+mistake one for another, yet you'd say they was all of
+one family. The king is their father.
+
+"Now it may seem kinder odd to you, and I do suppose it
+will, but what little natur there is to England is among
+these upper crust nobility. _Extremes meet_. The most
+elegant critter in America is an Indgian chief. The most
+elegant one in England is a noble. There is natur in
+both. You will vow that's a crotchet of mine, but it's
+a fact; and I will tell you how it is, some other time.
+For I opine the most charmin', most nateral, least
+artificial, kindest, and condescendenest people here are
+rael nobles. Younger children are the devil, half rank
+makes 'em proud, and entire poverty makes 'em sour. _Strap
+pride on an empty puss, and it puts a most beautiful edge
+on, it cuts like a razor_. They have to assart their
+dignity, tother one's dignity don't want no assartin'.
+It speaks for itself.
+
+"I won't enter into particulars now. I want to shew you
+country life; because if you don't want to hang yourself,
+don't tarry there, that's all; go and look at 'em, but
+don't stay there. If you can't help it no how, you can
+fix it, do it in three days; one to come, one to see,
+and one to go. If you do that, and make the fust late,
+and the last airly, you'll get through it; for it won't
+only make a day and a half, when sumtotalized. We'll
+fancy it, that's better than the rael thing, any time.
+
+"So lets go to a country gentleman's house, or "landed,"
+as they call 'em, cause they are so infarnally heavy.
+Well, his house is either an old onconvenient up and
+down, crooked-laned place, bad lighted, bad warmed, and
+shockin' cut up in small rooms; or a spic and span formal,
+new one, havin' all or most, according to his puss, of
+those things, about lord's houses, only on a smaller
+scale.
+
+"Well, I'll arrive in time for dinner, I'll titivate
+myself up, and down to drawin'-room, and whose the company
+that's to dine there? Why, cuss 'em, half a dozen of
+these gents own the country for miles round, so they have
+to keep some company at the house, and the rest is
+neighbours.
+
+"Now for goodness gracious sake, jist let's see who they
+be! Why one or two poor parsons, that have nothin' new
+in 'em, and nothin' new on 'em, goodish sort of people
+too, only they larf a leetle, jist a leetle louder at
+host's jokes, than at mine, at least, I suspicion it,
+'cause I never could see nothin' to larf at in his jokes.
+One or two country nobs of brother landed gents, that
+look as big as if the whole of the three per cent consols
+was in their breeches pockets; one or two damsels, that
+was young once, but have confessed to bein' old maids,
+drop't the word 'Miss,' 'cause it sounded ridikilous,
+and took the title of 'Mrs.' to look like widders. Two
+or three wivewomen of the Chinese stock, a bustin' of
+their stays off a'most, and as fat as show-beef; an oldest
+son or two, with the eend of the silver spoon he was born
+with, a peepin' out o' the corner of his mouth, and his
+face as vacant as a horn lantern without a candle in it;
+a younger son or so jist from college, who looks as if
+he had an idea he'd have to airn his livin', and whose
+lantern face looks as if it had had a candle in it, that
+had e'en amost burnt the sides out, rather thin and pale,
+with streaks of Latin and Greek in it; one or two
+everlastin' pretty young galls, so pretty as there is
+nothin' to do, you can't hardly help bein' spooney on
+'em.
+
+"Matchless galls, they be too, for there is no matches
+for 'em. The primur-genitur boy takes all so they have
+no fortin. Well, a younger son won't do for 'em, for he
+has no fortin; and t'other primo geno there, couldn't if
+he would, for he wants the estate next to hisn, and has
+to take the gall that owns it, or he won't get it. I pity
+them galls, I do upon my soul. It's a hard fate, that,
+as Minster sais, in his pretty talk, to bud, unfold,
+bloom, wither, and die on the parent stock, and have no
+one to pluck the rose, and put it in his bosom, aint it?
+
+"Dinner is ready, and you lock and lock, and march off
+two and two, to t'other room, and feed. Well, the dinner
+is like town dinner, there aint much difference, there
+is some; there is a difference atween a country coat,
+and a London coat; but still they look alike, and are
+intended to be as near the same as they can. The appetite
+is better than town folks, and there is more eatin' and
+less talkin', but the talkin', like the eatin', is heavy
+and solemcoloy.
+
+"Now do, Mr. Poker, that's a good soul, now do, Squire,
+look at the sarvants. Do you hear that feller, a blowin'
+and a wheesin' like a hoss that's got the heaves? Well
+he is so fat and lazy, and murders beef and beer so, he
+has got the assmy, and walkin' puts him out o' breath--aint
+it beautiful! Faithful old sarvant that, so attached to
+the family! which means the family prog. Always to home!
+which means he is always eatin' and drinkin', and hante
+time to go out. So respectful! which means bowin' is an
+everlastin' sight easier, and safer too, nor talkin' is.
+So honest! which means, parquisites covers all he takes.
+Keeps every thin' in such good order! which means he
+makes the women do his work. Puts every thin' in it's
+place, he is so methodical! which means, there is no
+young children in the house, and old aunty always puts
+things back where she takes 'em from. For she is a good
+bit of stuff is aunty, as thin, tough, and soople as a
+painter's palate knife. Oh, Lord! how I would like to
+lick him with a bran new cow hide whip, round and round
+the park, every day, an hour afore breakfast, to improve
+his wind, and teach him how to mend his pace. I'd repair
+his old bellowses for him, I know.
+
+"Then look at the butler, how he tordles like a Terrapin;
+he has got the gout, that feller, and no wonder, nother.
+Every decanter that comes in has jist half a bottle in
+it, the rest goes in tastin', to see it aint corked. His
+character would suffer if a bit o' cork floated in it.
+Every other bottle is corked, so he drinks that bottle,
+and opens another, and gives master half of it. The
+housekeeper pets him, calls him Mr., asks him if he has
+heard from Sir Philip lately, hintin' that he is of gentle
+blood, only the wrong side of the blanket, and that
+pleases him. They are both well to do in the world. Vails
+count up in time, and they talk big sometimes, when alone
+together, and hint at warnin' off the old knight, marryin',
+and settin' up a tripe shop, some o' these days; don't
+that hint about wedlock bring him a nice little hot supper
+that night, and don't that little supper bring her a
+tumbler of nice mulled wine, and don't both on 'em look
+as knowin' as a boiled codfish, and a shelled oyster,
+that's all.
+
+"He once got warned himself, did old Thomas, so said he,
+'Where do you intend to go master?' 'Me,' said the old
+man, scratchin' his head, and lookin' puzzled 'nowhere.'
+'Oh, I thought _you_ intend to leave, said Thomas for
+_I_ don't.' 'Very good that, Thomas, come I like that.'
+The old knight's got an anecdote by that, and nanny-goats
+aint picked up every day in the country. He tells that
+to every stranger, every stranger larfs, and the two
+parsons larf, and the old 'Sir' larfs so, he wakes up an
+old sleepin' cough that most breaks his ribs, and Thomas
+is set up for a character.
+
+"Well, arter servants is gone, and women folks made
+themselves scarce, we haul up closer to the table, have
+more room for legs, and then comes the most interestin'
+part. Poor rates, quarter sessions, turnpikes, corn-laws,
+next assizes, rail-roads and parish matters, with a touch
+of the horse and dog between primo and secondo genitur,
+for variety. If politics turn up, you can read who host
+is in a gineral way with half an eye. If he is an
+ante-corn-lawer, then he is a manufacturer that wants to
+grind the poor instead of grain. He is a _new man_ and
+reformer. If he goes up to the bob for corn-law, then he
+wants to live and let live, is _of an old family_, and
+a tory. Talk of test oaths bein' done away with. Why Lord
+love you, they are in full force here yet. See what a
+feller swears by--that's his test, and no mistake.
+
+"Well, you wouldn't guess now there was so much to talk
+of, would you? But hear 'em over and over every day, the
+same everlastin' round, and you would think the topics
+not so many arter all, I can tell you. It soon runs out,
+and when it does, you must wait till the next rain, for
+another freshet to float these heavy logs on.
+
+"Coffee comes, and then it's up and jine the ladies.
+Well, then talk is tried agin, but it's no go; they can't
+come it, and one of the good-natured fat old lady-birds
+goes to the piany, and sits on the music stool. Oh,
+Hedges! how it creaks, but it's good stuff, I guess, it
+will carry double this hitch; and she sings 'I wish I
+was a butterfly.' Heavens and airth! the fust time I
+heard one of these hugeaceous critters come out with that
+queer idee, I thought I should a dropt right off of the
+otter man on the floor, and rolled over and over a-laughin',
+it tickled me so, it makes me larf now only to think of
+it. Well, the wings don't come, such big butterflies have
+to grub it in spite of Old Nick, and after wishin' and
+wishin' ever so long in vain, one of the young galls sits
+down and sings in rael right down airnest, 'I _won't_ be
+a nun.' Poor critter! there is some sense in that, but
+I guess she will be bleeged to be, for all that.
+
+"Now eatin' is done, talkin' is done, and singin' is
+done; so here is chamber candles, and off to bed, that
+is if you are a-stayin' there. If you ain't, 'Mr. Weather
+Mutton's carriage is ready, Sir,' and Mr. Weather Mutton
+and Mrs. Weather Mutton and the entire stranger get in,
+and when you do, you are in for it, I can tell you. You
+are in for a seven mile heat at least of cross country
+roads, axletree deep, rain pour-in' straight up and down
+like Niagara, high hedges, deep ditches full of water,
+dark as Egypt; ain't room to pass nothin' if you meet
+it, and don't feel jist altogether easy about them cussed
+alligators and navigators, critters that work on rail-roads
+all day, and on houses and travellers by night.
+
+"If you come with Mr. Weather Mutton, you seed the carriage
+in course. It's an old one, a family one, and as heavy
+as an ox cart. The hosses are old, family hosses,
+everlastin' fat, almighty lazy, and the way they travel
+is a caution to a snail. It's vulgar to go fast, its only
+butcher's hosses trot quick, and besides, there is no
+hurry--there is nothin' to do to home. Affectionate
+couple! happy man! he takes his wife's hand in his--
+kisses it? No, not he, but he puts his head back in the
+corner of the carriage, and goes to sleep, and dreams--of
+her? Not he indeed, but of a saddle of mutton and curren'
+jelly.
+
+"Well, if you are a-stoppin' at Sir Littleeared Bighead's,
+you escape the flight by night, and go to bed and think
+of homeland natur'. Next mornin', or rather next noon,
+down to breakfast. Oh, it's awfully stupid! That second
+nap in the mornin' always fuddles the head, and makes it
+as mothery as ryled cyder grounds. Nobody looks as sweet
+as sugar candy quite, except them two beautiful galls
+and their honey lips. But them is only to look at. If
+you want honey, there is some on a little cut glass, dug
+out of a dish. But you can't eat it, for lookin' at the
+genu_wine_, at least I can't, and never could. I don't
+know what you can do.
+
+"P'raps you'd like to look at the picture, it will sarve
+to pass away time. They are family ones. And family
+picture, sarve as a history. Our Mexican Indgians did
+all their history in picture. Let's go round the room
+and look. Lawful heart! what a big "Brown ox" that is.
+Old "Star and Garters;" father fatted him. He was a prize
+ox; he eat a thousand bushel of turnips, a thousand pound
+of oil cake, a thousand of hay, and a thousand weight of
+mangel wurzel, and took a thousand days to fat, and
+weighed ever so many thousands too. I don't believe it,
+but I don't say so, out of manners, for I'll take my oath
+he was fatted on porter, because he looks exactly like
+the footman on all fours. He is a walking "_Brown Stout_,"
+that feller.
+
+"There is a hunter, come, I like hosses; but this brute
+was painted when at grass, and is too fat to look well,
+guess he was a goodish hoss in his day though. He ain't
+a bad cut that's a fact.
+
+"Hullo! what's this pictur? Why, this is from our side
+of the water, as I am a livin' sinner, this is a
+New-Foundlander, this dog; yes, and he is of the true
+genu_wine_ breed too, look at his broad forehead--his
+dew-claws--his little ears; (Sir Littleeared must have
+been named arter him), his long hair--his beautiful eye.
+He is a first chop article that; but, oh Lord, he is too
+shockin' fat altogether. He is like Mother Gary's
+chickens, they are all fat and feathers. A wick run
+through 'em makes a candle. This critter is all hair and
+blubber, if he goes too near the grate, he'll catch into
+a blaze and set fire to the house.
+
+"There's our friend the host with cap and gold tassel
+on, ridin' on his back, and there's his younger brother,
+(that died to Cambridge from settin' up all night for
+his degree, and suppin' on dry mathematics, and swallerin'
+"Newton" whole) younger brother like, walkin' on foot,
+and leadin' the dog by the head, while the heir is a
+scoldin' him for not goin' faster.
+
+"Then, there is an old aunty that a forten come from.
+She looks like a bale o' cotton, fust screwed as tight
+as possible, and then corded hard. Lord, if they had only
+a given her a pinch of snuff, when she was full dressed
+and trussed, and sot her a sneezin', she'd a blowed up,
+and the fortin would have come twenty years sooner.
+
+"Yes, it's a family pictur, indeed, they are all family
+picture. They are all fine animals, but over fed and
+under worked.
+
+"Now it's up and take a turn in the gardens. There is
+some splendid flowers on that slope. You and the galls
+go to look at 'em, and jist as you get there, the grass
+is juicy from the everlastin' rain, and awful slippy; up
+go your heels, and down goes stranger on the broad of
+his back, slippin' and slidin' and coastin' right down
+the bank, slap over the light mud-earth bed, and crushin'
+the flowers as flat as a pancake, and you yaller ochered
+all over, clean away from the scruff of your neck, down
+to the tip eend of your heel. The galls larf, the helps
+larf, and the, bed-room maid larfs; and who the plague
+can blame them? Old Marm don't larf though, because she
+is too perlite, and besides, she's lost her flowers, and
+that's no larfin' matter; and you don't larf, 'cause you
+feel a little the nastiest you ever did, and jist as near
+like a fool as to be taken for one, in the dark, that's
+a fact.
+
+"Well, you renew the outer man, and try it agin, and it's
+look at the stable and hosses with Sir Host, and the
+dogs, and the carriages, and two American trees, and a
+peacock, and a guinea hen, and a gold pheasant, and a
+silver pheasant, and all that, and then lunch. Who the
+plague can eat lunch, that's only jist breakfasted?
+
+"So away goes lunch, and off goes you and the 'Sir,' a
+trampousin' and a trapsein' over the wet grass agin (I
+should like to know what ain't wet in this country), and
+ploughed fields, and wide ditches chock full of dirty
+water, if you slip in, to souse you most ridikelous; and
+over gates that's nailed up, and stiles that's got no
+steps for fear of thoroughfare, and through underwood
+that's loaded with rain-drops, away off to tother eend
+of the estate, to see the most beautiful field of turnips
+that ever was seen, only the flies eat all the plants
+up; and then back by another path, that's slumpier than
+t'other, and twice as long, that you may see an old wall
+with two broke-out winders, all covered with ivy, which
+is called a ruin. And well named it is, too, for I tore
+a bran new pair of trousers, most onhandsum, a scramblin'
+over the fences to see it, and ruined a pair of shoes
+that was all squashed out of shape by the wet and mud.
+
+"Well, arter all this day of pleasure, it is time to rig
+up in your go-to-meetin' clothes for dinner; and that
+is the same as yesterday, only stupider, if that's
+possible; and that is Life in the Country.
+
+"How the plague can it be otherwise than dull? If there
+is nothin' to see, there can't be nothin' to talk about.
+Now the town is full of things to see. There is Babbage's
+machine, and Bank Governor's machine, and the Yankee
+woman's machine, and the flyin' machine, and all sorts
+of machines, and galleries, and tunnels, and mesmerisers,
+and theatres, and flower-shows, and cattle-shows, and
+beast-shows, and every kind of show, and what's better
+nor all, beautiful got-up women, and men turned out in
+fust chop style, too.
+
+"I don't mean to say country women ain't handsum here,
+'cause they be. There is no sun here; and how in natur'
+can it be otherways than that they have good complexions.
+But it tante safe to be caged with them in a house out
+o' town. Fust thing you both do, is to get spooney, makin'
+eyes and company-faces at each other, and then think of
+matin', like a pair of doves, and that won't answer for
+the like of you and me. The fact is, Squire, if you want
+to see _women_, you musn't go to a house in the country,
+nor to mere good company in town for it, tho' there be
+first chop articles in both; but you must go among the
+big bugs the top-lofty nobility, in London; for since
+the days of old marm Eve, down to this instant present
+time, I don't think there ever was or ever will be such
+splendiferous galls as is there. Lord, the fust time I
+seed 'em it put me in mind of what happened to me at New
+Brunswick once. Governor of Maine sent me over to their
+Governor's, official-like, with a state letter, and the
+British officers axed me to dine to their mess. Well,
+the English brags so like niggers, I thought I'd prove
+'em, and set 'em off on their old trade jist for fun.
+So, says I, stranger captain, sais I, is all these forks
+and spoons, and plates and covers, and urns, and what
+nots, rael genu_wine_ solid silver, the clear thing, and
+no mistake. 'Sartainly,' said he, 'we have nothin' but
+silver here.' He did, upon my soul, just as cool, as if
+it was all true; well you can't tell a mili_tary_ what
+he sais ain't credible, or you have to fight him. It's
+considered ongenteel, so I jist puts my finger on my
+nose, and winks, as much as to say, 'I ain't such a cussed
+fool as you take me to be, I can tell you.'
+
+"When he seed I'd found him out, he larfed like any thing.
+Guess he found that was no go, for I warn't born in the
+woods to be scared by an owl, that's a fact. Well, the
+fust time I went to lord's party, I thought it was another
+brag agin; I never see nothin' like it. Heavens and
+airth, I most jumpt out o' my skin. Where onder the sun,
+sais I to myself, did he rake and scrape together such
+super-superior galls as these. This party is a kind o'
+consarvitory, he has got all the raree plants and sweetest
+roses in England here, and must have ransacked the whole
+country for 'em. Knowin' I was a judge of woman kind,
+he wants me to think they are all this way; but it's
+onpossible. They are only "shew frigates" arter all; it
+don't stand to reason, they can't be all clippers. He
+can't put the leake into me that way, so it tante no use
+tryin'. Well, the next time, I seed jist such another
+covey of partridges, same plumage, same step, and same
+breed. Well done, sais I, they are intarmed to pull the
+wool over my eyes, that's a fact, but they won't find
+that no easy matter, I know. Guess they must be done now,
+they can't show another presarve like them agin in all
+Britain. What trouble they do take to brag here, don't
+they? Well, to make a long story short; how do you think
+it eventuated, Squire? Why every party I went to, had as
+grand a shew as them, only some on 'em was better, fact
+I assure you, it's gospel truth; there ain't a word of
+a lie in it, text to the letter. I never see nothin' like
+it, since I was raised, nor dreamed nothin' like it, and
+what's more, I don't think the world has nothin' like it
+nother. It beats all natur. It takes the rag off quite.
+If that old Turk, Mahomed, had seed these galls, he
+wouldn't a bragged about his beautiful ones in paradise
+so for everlastinly, I know; for these English heifers
+would have beat 'em all holler, that's a fact. For my
+part, I call myself a judge. I have an eye there ain't
+no deceivin'. I have made it a study, and know every pint
+about a woman, as well as I do about a hoss; therefore,
+if I say so, it must be so, and no mistake. I make all
+allowances for the gear, and the gettin' up, and the
+vampin', and all that sort o' flash; but toggery won't
+make an ugly gall handsum, nohow you can fix it. It may
+lower her ugliness a leetle, but it won't raise her
+beauty, if she hante got none. But I warn't a talkin' of
+nobility; I was a talkin' of Life in the Country. But
+the wust of it is, when galls come on the carpet, I could
+talk all day; for the dear little critters, I _do_ love
+'em, that's a fact. Lick! it sets me crazy a'most. Well,
+where was we? for petticoats always puts every thing out
+o' my head. Whereabouts was we?"
+
+"You were saying that there were more things to be seen
+in London than in the country."
+
+"Exactly; now I have it. I've got the thread agin. So
+there is.
+
+"There's England's Queen, and England's Prince, and
+Hanover's King, and the old Swordbelt that whopped Bony;
+and he is better worth seem' than any man now livin' on
+the face of the univarsal airth, let t'other one be where
+he will, that's a fact. He is a great man, all through
+the piece, and no mistake. If there was--what do you
+call that word, when one man's breath pops into 'nother
+man's body, changin' lodgins, like?"
+
+"Do you mean transmigration?"
+
+"Yes; if there was such a thing as that, I should say it
+was old Liveoak himself, Mr. Washington, that was
+transmigrated into him, and that's no mean thing to say
+of him, I tell you.
+
+"Well now, there's none o' these things to the country;
+and it's so everlastin' stupid, it's only a Britisher
+and a nigger that could live in an English country-house.
+A nigger don't like movin', and it would jist suit him,
+if it warn't so awful wet and cold.
+
+  "Oh if I was President of these here United States,
+   I'd suck sugar candy and swing upon de gates;
+   And them I didn't like, I'd strike 'em off de docket,
+   And the way we'd go ahead, would be akin to Davy Crockit.
+   With my zippy dooden, dooden dooden, dooden dooden dey,
+   With my zippy dooden, dooden dooden, dooden dooden dey.
+
+"It might do for a nigger, suckin' sugar candy and drinkin'
+mint-julep; but it won't do for a free and enlightened
+citizen like me. A country house--oh goody gracious!
+the Lord presarve me from it, I say. If ever any soul
+ever catches me there agin, I'll give 'em leave to tell
+me of it, that's all. Oh go, Squire, by all means; you
+will find it monstrous pleasant, I know you will. Go
+and spend a week there; it will make you feel up in the
+stirrups, I know. Pr'aps nothin' can exceed it. It takes
+the rag off the bush quite. It caps all, that's a fact,
+does 'Life in the Country.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+BUNKUM.
+
+I am not surprised at the views expressed by Mr. Slick
+in the previous chapter. He has led too active a life,
+and his habits and thoughts are too business-like to
+admit of his enjoying retirement, or accommodating himself
+to the formal restraints of polished society. And yet,
+after making this allowance for his erratic life, it is
+but fair to add that his descriptions were always
+exaggerated; and, wearied as he no doubt was by the
+uniformity of country life, yet in describing it, he has
+evidently seized on the most striking features, and made
+them more prominent than they really appeared, even to
+his fatigued and prejudiced vision.
+
+In other respects, they are just the sentiments we may
+suppose would be naturally entertained by a man like the
+Attache, under such circumstances. On the evening after
+that on which he had described "Life in the Country" to
+me, he called with two "orders" for admission to the
+House of Commons, and took me down with him to hear the
+debates.
+
+"It's a great sight," said he. "We shall see all their
+uppercrust men put their best foot out. There's a great
+musterin' of the tribes, to-night, and the Sachems will
+come out with a great talk. There'll be some sport, I
+guess; some hard hittin', scalpin', and tomahawkin'. To
+see a Britisher scalp a Britisher is equal to a bullfight,
+anytime. You don't keer whether the bull, or the horse,
+or the rider is killed, none of 'em is nothin' to you;
+so you can enjoy it, and hurror for him that wins. I
+don't keer who carries the day, the valy of a treat of
+julep, but I want to see the sport. It's excitin', them
+things. Come, let's go."
+
+We were shown into a small gallery, at one end of the
+legislative wall (the two side ones being appropriated
+to members), and with some difficulty found sitting room
+in a place that commanded a view of the whole house. We
+were unfortunate. All the great speakers, Lord Stanley,
+Sir Robert Peel, Sir James Graham, Shiel, and Lord John
+Russell, had either already addressed the Chair, and were
+thereby precluded by the rules of the House from coming
+forward again, or did not choose to answer second-rate
+men. Those whom we did hear, made a most wretched
+exhibition. About one o'clock, the adjournment took place,
+and we returned, fatigued and disappointed.
+
+"Did you ever see the beat of that, Squire?" said Mr.
+Slick. "Don't that take the rag off quite? Cuss them
+fellers that spoke, they are wuss than assembly men, hang
+me if they aint; and _they_ aint fit to tend a bear trap,
+for they'd be sure to catch themselves, if they did, in
+their own pit-fall.
+
+"Did you hear that Irishman a latherin' away with both
+arms, as if he was tryin' to thrash out wheat, and see
+how bothered he looked, as if he couldn't find nothin'
+but dust and chaff in the straw? Well, that critter was
+agin the Bill, in course, and Irish like, used every
+argument in favour of it. Like a pig swimmin' agin stream,
+every time he struck out, he was a cuttin' of his own
+throat. He then blob blob blobbered, and gog gog goggled,
+till he choked with words and passion, and then sot down.
+
+"Then that English Radical feller, that spoke with great
+voice, and little sense. Aint he a beauty, without paint,
+that critter? He know'd he had to vote agin the Bill,
+'cause it was a Government Bill, and be know'd he had to
+speak for _Bunkum_, and therefore--"
+
+"_Bunkum!_" I said, "pray, what is that?"
+
+"Did you never hear of Bunkum?"
+
+"No, never."
+
+"Why, you don't mean to say you don't know what that is?"
+
+"I do not indeed."
+
+"Not Bunkum? Why, there is more of it to Nova Scotia
+every winter, than would paper every room in Government
+House, and then curl the hair of every gall in the town.
+Not heer of _Bunkum_? why how you talk!"
+
+"No, never."
+
+"Well, if that don't pass! I thought every body know'd
+that word. I'll tell you then, what Bunkum is. All over
+America, every place likes to hear of its members to
+Congress, and see their speeches, and if they don't, they
+send a piece to the paper, enquirin' if their member died
+a nateral death, or was skivered with a bowie knife, for
+they hante seen his speeches lately, and his friends are
+anxious to know his fate. Our free and enlightened citizens
+don't approbate silent members; it don't seem to them as
+if Squashville, or Punkinville, or Lumbertown was right
+represented, unless Squashville, or Punkinville, or
+Lumbertown, makes itself heard and known, ay, and feared
+too. So every feller in bounden duty, talks, and talks
+big too, and the smaller the State, the louder, bigger,
+and fiercer its members talk.
+
+"Well, when a critter talks for talk sake, jist to have
+a speech in the paper to send to home, and not for any
+other airthly puppus but electioneering, our folks call
+it _Bunkum_. Now the State o' Maine is a great place
+for _Bunkum_--its members for years threatened to run
+foul of England, with all steam on, and sink her, about
+the boundary line, voted a million of dollars, payable
+in pine logs and spruce boards, up to Bangor mills--and
+called out a hundred thousand militia, (only they never
+come,) to captur' a saw mill to New Brunswick--that's
+_Bunkum_. All that flourish about Right o' Sarch was
+_Bunkum_--all that brag about hangin' your Canada sheriff
+was _Bunkum_. All the speeches about the Caroline, and
+Creole, and Right of Sarch, was _Bunkum_, In short, almost
+all that's said _in Congress_ in _the colonies_, (for we
+set the fashions to them, as Paris galls do to our
+milliners,) and all over America is _Bunkum_.
+
+"Well, they talk Bunkum here too, as well as there.
+Slavery speeches are all Bunkum; so are reform speeches,
+too. Do you think them fellers that keep up such an
+everlastin' gab about representation, care one cent about
+the extension of franchise? Why no, not they; it's only
+to secure their seats to gull their constituents, to get
+a name. Do you think them goneys that make such a touss
+about the Arms' Bill, care about the Irish? No, not they;
+they want Irish votes, that's all--it's _Bunkum_. Do you
+jist go and mesmerise John Russell, and Macauley, and
+the other officers of the regiment of Reformers, and then
+take the awkward squad of recruits--fellers that were
+made drunk with excitement, and then enlisted with the
+promise of a shillin', which they never got, the sargeants
+having drank it all; go and mesmerise them all, from
+General Russell down to Private Chartist, clap 'em into
+a caterwaulin' or catalapsin' sleep, or whatever the word
+is, and make 'em tell the secrets of their hearts, as
+Dupotet did the Clear-voyancing gall, and jist hear what
+they'll tell you.
+
+"Lord John will say--'I was sincere!' (and I believe on
+my soul he was. He is wrong beyond all doubt, but he is
+an honest man, and a clever man, and if he had taken his
+_own_ way more, and given Powlet Thompson _his_ less, he
+would a' been a great colony secretary; and more's the
+pity he is in such company. He'll get off his beam ends,
+and right himself though, yet, I guess.) Well, he'd
+say--'I was sincere, I was disinterested; but I am
+disappointed. I have awakened a pack of hungry villains
+who have sharp teeth, long claws, and the appetite of
+the devil. They have swallered all I gave 'em, and now
+would eat me up without salt, if they could. Oh, that I
+could hark back! _there is no satisfyin' a movement
+party_.'
+
+"Now what do the men say, (I don't mean men of rank, but
+the men in the ranks),--'Where's all the fine things we
+were promised when Reform gained the day?' sais they,
+'ay, where are they? for we are wuss off than ever, now,
+havin' lost all our old friends, and got bilked by our
+new ones tarnationly. What did all their fine speeches
+end in at last? Bunkum; damn the thing but Bunkum.
+
+"But that aint the wust of it, nother. Bunkum, like lyin',
+is plaguy apt to make a man believe his own bams at last.
+From telling 'em so often, he forgets whether he grow'd
+'em or dreamt 'em, and so he stands' right up on end,
+kisses the book, and swears to 'em, as positive as the
+Irishman did to the gun, which he said he know'd ever
+since it was a pistol. Now, _that's Bunkum_.
+
+"But to get back to what we was a talkin' of, did you
+ever hear such bad speakin' in your life, now tell me
+candid? because if you have, I never did, that's all.
+Both sides was bad, it aint easy to say which is wus,
+six of one and half a dozen of t'other, nothin to brag
+of nary way. That government man, that spoke in their
+favour, warn't his speech rich?
+
+"Lord love you! I aint no speaker, I never made but one
+speech since I was raised, and that was afore a Slickville
+legislatur, and then I broke down. I know'd who I was
+a talkin' afore; they was men that had cut their eye-teeth,
+and that you could'nt pull the wool over their eyes,
+nohow you could fix it, and I was young then. Now I'm
+growed up, I guess, and I've got my narves in the right
+place, and as taught as a drum; and I _could_ speak if
+I was in the House o' Commons, that's a fact. If a man
+was to try there, that was worth any thin', he'd find he
+was a flute without knowin' it. They don't onderstand
+nothin' but Latin and Greek, and I'd buoy out them sand
+banks, keep the lead agoin', stick to the channel, and
+never take ground, I know. The way I'd cut water aint no
+matter. Oh Solomon! what a field for good speakin' that
+question was to-night, if they only had half an eye, them
+fellers, and what a'most a beautiful mess they made of
+it on both sides!
+
+"I ain't a vain man, and never was. You know, Squire,
+I hante a mossel of it in my composition; no, if you was
+to look at me with a ship's glass you wouldn't see a
+grease spot of it in me. I don't think any of us Yankees
+is vain people; it's a thing don't grow in our diggins.
+We have too much sense in a giniral way for that; indeed
+if we wanted any, we couldn't get none for love nor money,
+for John Bull has a monopoly of it. He won't open the
+trade. It's a home market he looks to, and the best of
+it is, he thinks he hante none to spare.
+
+"Oh, John Bull, John Bull, when you are full rigged, with
+your white cravat and white waistcoat like Young England,
+and have got your go-to-meetin' clothes on, if you ain't
+a sneezer, it's a pity, that's all. No, I ain't a vain
+man, I despise it, as I do a nigger; but, Squire, what
+a glorious field the subject to-night is for a man that
+knows what's what, and was up to snuff, ain't it? Airth
+and seas! if I was there, I could speak on either side;
+for like Waterloo it's a fair field; it's good ground
+for both parties. Heavens what a speech I could make!
+I'd electrify 'em and kill 'em dead like lightnin', and
+then galvanise 'em and fetch' em to life agin, and then
+give them exhiliratin' gass and set 'em a larfin', till
+they fairly wet themselves agin with cryin'. Wouldn't it
+be fun, that's all? I could sting Peel so if I liked,
+he'd think a galley nipper had bit him, and he'd spring
+right off the floor on to the table at one jump, gout or
+no gout, ravin' mad with pain and say, 'I'm bit thro'
+the boot by Gosh;' or if I was to take his side, for I
+care so little about the British, all sides is alike to
+me, I'd make them Irish members dance like ravin',
+distractin' bed bugs. I'd make 'em howl, first wicked
+and then dismal, I know.
+
+"But they can't do it, to save their souls alive; some
+has it in 'em and can't get it out, physic 'em as you
+would, first with vanity, and then with office; others
+have got a way out, but have nothin' to drive thro' the
+gate; some is so timid, they can't go ahead; and others
+are in such an infarnal hurry, they spend the whole time
+in false starts.
+
+"No, there, is no good oratory to parliament now, and
+the English brag so, I doubt if it ever was so good, as
+they say it was in old times. At any rate, it's all got
+down to "Bunkum" now. It's makin' a speech for newspapers
+and not for the House. It's to tell on voters and not on
+members. Then, what a row they make, don't they? Hear,
+hear, hear; divide, divide, divide; oh, oh, oh; haw, haw,
+haw. It tante much different from stump oratory in America
+arter all, or speakin' off a whiskey barrel, is it? It's
+a sort of divil me-kear-kind o' audience; independent
+critters, that look at a feller full in the face, as
+sarcy as the divil; as much as to say, 'Talk away, my
+old 'coon, you won't alter me, I can tell you, it's all
+_Bunkum_.'
+
+"Lord, I shall never forget poor old Davy Crocket's last
+speech; there was no "bunkum" in that. He despised it;
+all good shots do, they aim right straight for the mark
+and hit it. There's no shootin' round the ring, with them
+kinder men. Poor old feller, he was a great hunter; a
+great shot with the rifle, a great wit, and a great man.
+He didn't leave his _span_ behind him, when he slipt off
+the handle, I know.
+
+"Well he stood for an election and lost it, just afore
+he left the States; so when it was over, he slings his
+powder horn on, over his shoulders, takes his "Betsey,"
+which was his best rifle, onder his arm, and mounts on
+a barrel, to talk it into his constituents, and take
+leave of 'em.
+
+"'Feller citizens,' sais he, 'we've had a fair stand-up
+fight for it, and I'm whipped, that are a fact; and thar
+is no denyin' of it. I've come now to take my leave of
+you. You may all go to H--l, and I'll go to Texas.'
+
+"And he stepped right down, and went over the boundary,
+and jined the patriots agin Mexico, and was killed there.
+
+"Why it will never be forgot, that speech. It struck into
+the bull's eye of the heart. It was noble. It said so
+much in a few words, and left the mind to fill the gaps
+up. The last words is a sayin' now, and always will be,
+to all etarnity. Whenever a feller wants to shew how
+indifferent he is, he jist sais, 'you may go to (hem,
+hem, you know,) and I'll go to Texas.' There is no _Bunkum_
+in that, Squire.
+
+"Yes, there is no good speakin' there, speakin' is no
+use. Every feller is pledged and supports his party. A
+speech don't alter no man's opinions; yes it _may_ alter
+his _opinions_, but it don't alter his vote, that ain't
+his'n, it's his party's. Still, there is some credit in
+a good speech, and some fun too. No feller there has any
+ridicule; he has got no ginger in him, he can neither
+crack his whip, nor lay it on; he can neither cut the
+hide nor sting it. Heavens! if I was there I and I'm sure
+it's no great boastin' to say I'm better than such fellers,
+as them small fry of white bait is. If I was there, give
+me a good subject like that to-night, give me a good horn
+of lignum vitae--"
+
+"Lignum vitae--what's that?"
+
+"Lord-o-massy on us! you don't know nothin', Squire.
+Where have you been all your born days, not to know what
+lignum vitae is? why lignum vitae, is hot brandy and
+water to be sure, pipin' hot, scald an iron pot amost,
+and spiced with cloves and sugar in it, stiff enough to
+make a tea-spoon stand up in it, as straight as a dead
+nigger. Wine ain't no good, it goes off as quick as the
+white beads off of champaign does, and then leaves a
+stupid head-ache behind it. But give me the subject and
+a horn of lignum vitae (of the wickedest kind), and then
+let a feller rile me, so as to get my back up like a
+fightin' cat's, and I'll tell you what I'd do, I'd sarve
+him as our Slickville boys sarve the cows to California.
+One on 'em lays hold of the tail, and the other skins
+her as she runs strait an eend. Next year, it's all growed
+ready for another flayin'. Fact, I assure you. Lord!
+I'd skin a feller so, his hide would never grow agin;
+I'd make a caution of him to sinners, I know.
+
+"Only hear them fellers now talk of extendin' of the
+representation; why the house is a mob now, plaguy little
+better, I assure you. Like the house in Cromwell's time,
+they want "Sam Slick's" purge. But talkin' of mobs, puts
+me in mind of a Swoi-ree, I told you I'd describe that
+to you, and I don't care if I do now, for I've jist got
+my talkin' tacks aboard. A Swoi-ree is--
+
+"We'll talk of that some other time, Mr. Slick," said I;
+"it is now near two o'clock, I must retire."
+
+"Well, well," said he, "I suppose it is e'en a'most time
+to be a movin'. But, Squire, you are a Britisher, why
+the plague don't you get into the house? you know more
+about colony matters than the whole bilin' of" them put
+together, quite as much about other things, and speak
+like a--"
+
+"Come, come, Mr. Slick," said I, rising and lighting my
+bed-room candle, "it is now high time to bid you good
+night, for you are beginning to talk _Bunkum_."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+THROWING THE LAVENDER.
+
+Mr. Slick's character, like that of many of his countrymen,
+is not so easily understood as a person might suppose.
+We err more often than we are aware of, when we judge of
+others by ourselves. English tourists have all fallen
+into this mistake, in their, estimate of the Americans.
+They judge them by their own standard; they attribute
+effects to wrong causes, forgetting that a different tone
+of feeling, produced by a different social and political
+state from their own, must naturally produce dissimilar
+results.
+
+Any person reading the last sketch containing the account,
+given by Mr. Slick of the House of Commons, his opinion
+of his own abilities as a speaker, and his aspiration
+after a seat in that body, for the purpose of "skinning,"
+as he calls it, impertinent or stupid members, could not
+avoid coming to the conclusion that he was a conceited
+block-head; and that if his countrymen talked in that
+absurd manner, they must be the weakest, and most
+vain-glorious people in the world.
+
+That he is a vain man, cannot he denied--self-taught men
+are apt to be so every where; but those who understand
+the New England humour, will at once perceive, that he
+has spoken in his own name merely as a personification,
+and that the whole passage means after all, when transposed
+into that phraseology which an, Englishman would use,
+very little more than this, that the House of Commons
+presented a noble field for a man of abilities as a public
+speaker; but that in fact, it contained very few such
+persons. We must not judge of words or phrases, when used
+by foreigners, by the sense we attribute to them, but
+endeavour to understand the meaning they attach to them
+themselves.
+
+In Mexico, if you admire any thing, the proprietor
+immediately says, "Pray do me the honour to consider it
+yours, I shall be most happy, if you will permit me, to
+place it upon you, (if it be an ornament), or to send it
+to your hotel," if it be of a different description. All
+this means in English, a present; in Mexican Spanish, a
+civil speech, purporting that the owner is gratified,
+that it meets the approbation of his visiter. A Frenchman,
+who heard this grandiloquent reply to his praises of a
+horse, astonished his friend, by thanking him in terms
+equally amplified, accepting it, and riding it home.
+
+Mr. Slick would be no less amazed, if understood literally.
+He has used a peculiar style; here again, a stranger
+would be in error, in supposing the phraseology common
+to all Americans. It is peculiar only to a certain class
+of persons in a certain state of life, and in a particular
+section of the States. Of this class, Mr. Slick is a
+specimen. I do not mean to say he is not a vain man, but
+merely that a portion only of that, which appears so to
+us, is vanity, and that the rest and by far the greater
+portion too, is local or provincial peculiarity.
+
+This explanation is due to the Americans, who have been
+grossly misrepresented, and to the English, who have been
+egregiously deceived, by persons attempting to delineate
+character, who were utterly incapable of perceiving those
+minute lights and shades, without which, a portrait
+becomes a contemptible daub, or at most a mere caricature.
+
+"A droll scene that at the house o' represen_tatives_
+last night," said Mr. Slick when we next met, "warn't
+it? A sort o' rookery, like that at the Shropshire
+Squire's, where I spent the juicy day. What a darned
+cau-cau-cawin' they keep, don't they? These members are
+jist like the rooks, too, fond of old houses, old woods,
+old trees, and old harnts. And they are jist as proud,
+too, as they be. Cuss 'em, they won't visit a new man,
+or new plantation. They are too aristocratic for that.
+They have a circle of their own. Like the rooks, too,
+they are privileged to scour over the farmers' fields
+all round home, and play the very devil.
+
+"And then a fellow can't hear himself speak for 'em;
+divide, divide, divide, question, question, question;
+cau, cau, cau, cau, cau, cau. Oh! we must go there again.
+I want you to see Peel, Stanley, Graham, Shiel, Russell,
+Macauley, Old Joe, and so on. These men are all upper
+crust here. Fust of all, I want to hear your opinion of
+'em. I take you to be a considerable of a good judge in
+these matters."
+
+"No Bunkum, Mr. Slick."
+
+"D--- that word Bunkum! If you say that 'ere agin, I
+won't say another syllable, so come now. Don't I know
+who you are? You know every mite, and morsel as well as
+I do, that you be a considerable of a judge of these
+critters, though you are nothin' but an outlandish
+colonist; and are an everlastin' sight better judge, too,
+if you come to that, than them that judge _you_. Cuss
+'em, the state would be a nation sight better sarved, if
+one o' these old rooks was sent out to try trover for a
+goose, and larceny for an old hat, to Nova Scotia, and
+you was sent for to take the ribbons o' the state coach
+here; hang me if it wouldn't. You know that, and feel
+your oats, too, as well as any one. So don't be so infarnal
+mealy-mouthed, with your mock modesty face, a turnin' up
+of the whites of your eyes as if you was a chokin', and
+savin' 'No _Bun-kum_, Mr. Slick.' Cuss that word Bunkum!
+I am sorry I ever told you that are story, you will be
+for everlastinly a throwin' up of that are, to me now.
+
+"Do you think if I warnted to soft sawder you, I'd take
+the white-wash brush to you, and slobber it, on, as a
+nigger wench does to a board fence, or a kitchen wall to
+home, and put your eyes out with the lime? No, not I;
+but I could tickel you though, and have done it afore
+now, jist for practice, and you warn't a bit the wiser.
+Lord, I'd take a camel's-hair brush to you, knowin' how
+skittish and ticklesome you are, and do it so it would
+feel good. I'd make you feel kinder pleasant, I know,
+and you'd jist bend your face over to it, and take it as
+kindly as a gall does a whisper, when your lips keep jist
+a brushin' of the cheek while you are a talkin'. I wouldn't
+go to shock you by a doin' of it coarse; you are too
+quick, and too knowin' for that. You should smell the
+otter o' roses, and sniff, sniff it up your nostrils,
+and say to yourself, 'How nice that is, ain't it? Come,
+I like that, how sweet it stinks!' I wouldn't go for to
+dash scented water on your face, as a hired lady does on
+a winder to wash it, it would make you start back, take
+out your pocket-handkercher, and say, "Come, _Mister_
+Slick, no nonsense, if you please." I'd do it delicate,
+I know my man: I'd use a light touch, a soft brush, and
+a smooth oily rouge."
+
+"Pardon me," I said, "you overrate your own powers, and
+over-estimate my vanity. You are flattering yourself now,
+you can't flatter me, for I detest it."
+
+"Creation, man," said Mr. Slick, "I have done it now
+afore your face, these last five minutes, and you didn't
+know it. Well, if that don't bang the bush. It's tarnation
+all over that. Tellin' you, you was so knowin', so shy
+if touched on the flanks; how difficult you was to take-in,
+bein' a sensible, knowin' man, what's that but soft
+sawder? You swallowed it all. You took it off without
+winkin', and opened your mouth as wide as a young blind
+robbin does for another worm, and then down went the
+Bunkum about making you a Secretary of State, which was
+rather a large bolus to swaller, without a draft; down,
+down it went, like a greased-wad through a smooth rifle
+bore; it did, upon my soul. Heavens! what a take in! what
+a splendid sleight-of-hand! I never did nothin' better
+in all my born days. I hope I may be shot, if I did.
+Ha! ha! ha! ain't it rich? Don't it cut six inches on
+the rib of clear shear, that. Oh! it's han_sum_, that's
+a fact."
+
+"It's no use to talk about it, Mr. Slick," I replied;
+"I plead guilty. You took me in then. You touched a weak
+point. You insensibly flattered my vanity, by assenting
+to my self-sufficiency, in supposing I was exempt from
+that universal frailty of human nature; you "_threw the
+Lavender_" well."
+
+"I did put the leake into you, Squire, that's a fact,"
+said he; "but let me alone, I know what I am about; let
+me talk on, my own way. Swaller what you like, spit out
+what is too strong for you; but don't put a drag-chain
+on to me, when I am a doin' tall talkin', and set my
+wheels as fast as pine stumps. You know me, and I know
+you. You know my speed, and I know your bottom don't
+throw back in the breetchin' for nothin' that way."
+
+"Well, as I was a-sayin', I want you to see these great
+men, as they call 'em. Let's weigh 'em, and measure 'em,
+and handle 'em, and then price 'em, and see what their
+market valy is. Don't consider 'em as Tories, or Whigs,
+or Radicals; we hante got nothin' to do with none o'
+them; but consider 'em as statesmen. It's pot-luck with
+'em all; take your fork as the pot biles up, jab it in,
+and fetch a feller up, see whether he is beef, pork or
+mutton; partridge, rabbit or lobster; what his name,
+grain and flavour is, and how you like him. Treat 'em
+indifferent, and treat 'em independent.
+
+"I don't care a chaw o' tobacky for the whole on 'em;
+and none on 'em care a pinch o' snuff for you or any
+Hortentort of a colonist that ever was or ever will be.
+Lord love you! if you was to write like Scott, and map
+the human mind like Bacon, would it advance you a bit in
+prefarment? Not it. They have done enough for the colonists,
+they have turned 'em upside down, and given 'em responsible
+government? What more do the rascals want? Do they ask
+to be made equal to us? No, look at their social system,
+and their political system, and tell 'em your opinion
+like a man. You have heard enough of their opinions of
+colonies, and suffered enough from their erroneous ones
+too. You have had Durham reports, and commissioners'
+reports, and parliament reports till your stomach refuses
+any more on 'em. And what are they? a bundle of mistakes
+and misconceptions, from beginnin' to eend. They have
+travelled by stumblin', and have measured every thing by
+the length of their knee, as they fell on the ground, as
+a milliner measures lace, by the bendin' down of the
+forefinger--cuss 'em! Turn the tables on 'em. Report on
+_them_, measure _them_, but take care to keep your feet
+though, don't be caught trippin', don't make no mistakes.
+
+"Then we'll go to the Lords' House--I don't mean to
+meetin' house, though we must go there too, and hear Me
+Neil and Chalmers, and them sort o' cattle; but I mean
+the house where the nobles meet, pick out the big bugs,
+and see what sort o' stuff they are made of. Let's take
+minister with us--he is a great judge of these things.
+I should like you to hear his opinion; he knows every
+thin' a'most, though the ways of the world bother him a
+little sometimes; but for valyin' a man, or stating
+principles, or talkin' politics, there ain't no man equal
+to him, hardly. He is a book, that's a fact; it's all
+there what you want; all you've got to do is to cut the
+leaves. Name the word in the index, he'll turn to the
+page, and give you day, date, and fact, for it. There is
+no mistake in him.
+
+"That cussed provokin' visit of yours to Scotland will
+shove them things into the next book, I'm afeered. But
+it don't signify nothin'; you can't cram all into one,
+and we hante only broke the crust yet, and p'rhaps it's
+as well to look afore you leap too, or you might make as
+big a fool of yourself, as some of the Britishers have
+a-writin' about us and the provinces. Oh yes, it's a
+great advantage havin' minister with you. He'll fell the
+big stiff trees for you; and I'm the boy for the saplin's,
+I've got the eye and the stroke for them. They spring so
+confoundedly under the axe, does second growth and
+underwood, it's dangerous work, but I've got the sleight
+o' hand for that, and we'll make a clean field of it.
+
+"Then come and survey; take your compass and chain to
+the ground and measure, and lay that off--branch and bark
+the spars for snakin' off the ground; cord up the fire-wood,
+tie up the hoop poles, and then burn off the trash and
+rubbish. Do it workman-like. Take your time to it as if
+you was workin' by the day. Don't hurry, like job work;
+don't slobber it over, and leave half-burnt trees and
+logs strewed about the surface, but make smack smooth
+work. Do that, Squire, do it well, and that is, only
+half as good as you can, if you choose, and then--"
+
+"And then," said I, "I make no doubt you will have great
+pleasure '_in throwin' the Lavender again_."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+AIMING HIGH.
+
+"What do you intend to do, Squire, with your two youngest
+boys?" said Mr. Slick to me to-day, as we were walking
+in the Park.
+
+"I design them," I said, "for professions. One I shall
+educate for a lawyer, and the other for a clergyman."
+
+"Where?"
+
+"In Nova Scotia."
+
+"Exactly," says he. "It shews your sense; it's the very
+place for 'em. It's a fine field for a young man; I don't
+know no better one no where in the whole univarsal world.
+When I was a boy larnin' to shoot, sais father to me,
+one day, 'Sam,' sais he, 'I'll give you a lesson in
+gunnin' that's worth knowin'. "_Aim high_," my boy; your
+gun naterally settles down a little takin' sight, cause
+your arm gets tired, and wabbles, and the ball settles
+a little while it's a travellin', accordin' to a law of
+natur, called Franklin's law; and I obsarve you always
+hit below the mark. Now, make allowances for these things
+in gunnin', and "aim high," for your life, always. And,
+Sam,' sais he, 'I've seed a great deal of the world, all
+mili_tary_ men do. 'I was to Bunker's Hill durin' the
+engagement, and I saw Washington the day he was made
+President, and in course must know more nor most men of
+my age; and I'll give you another bit of advice, "Aim
+high" in life, and if you don't hit the bull's eye, you'll
+hit the "fust circles," and that ain't a bad shot nother.'
+
+"'Father,' sais I, 'I guess I've seed more of the world
+than you have, arter all.'
+
+"'How so, Sam?' sais he.
+
+"'Why,' sais I, 'father, you've only been to Bunker's
+Hill, and that's nothin'; no part of it ain't too steep
+to plough; it's only a sizeable hillock, arter all. But
+I've been to the Notch on the White Mountain, so high
+up, that the snow don't melt there, and seed five States
+all to once, and half way over to England, and then I've
+seed Jim Crow dance. So there now?' He jist up with the
+flat of his hand, and gave me a wipe with it on the side
+of my face, that knocked me over; and as I fell, he lent
+me a kick on my musn't-mention-it, that sent me a rod or
+so afore I took ground on all fours.
+
+"'Take that, you young scoundrel!' said he, 'and larn to
+speak respectful next time to an old man, a mili_tary_
+man, and your father, too.'
+
+"It hurt me properly, you may depend. 'Why,' sais I, as
+I picked myself up, 'didn't you tell me to "aim high,"
+father? So I thought I'd do it, and beat your brag, that's
+all.'
+
+"Truth is, Squire, I never could let a joke pass all my
+life, without havin' a lark with it. I was fond of one,
+ever since I was knee high to a goose, or could recollect
+any thin' amost; I have got into a horrid sight of scrapes
+by 'em, that's a fact. I never forgot that lesson though,
+it was kicked into me: and lessons that are larnt on the
+right eend, ain't never forgot amost. I _have_ "aimed
+high" ever since, and see where I be now. Here I am an
+Attache, made out of a wooden clock pedlar. Tell you
+what, I shall be "embassador" yet, made out of nothin'
+but an "Attache," and I'll be President of our great
+Republic, and almighty nation in the eend, made out of
+an embassador, see if I don't. That comes of "aimin'
+high." What do you call that water near your coach-house?"
+
+"A pond."
+
+"Is there any brook runnin' in, or any stream runnin'
+out?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Well, that's the difference between a lake and a pond.
+Now, set that down for a traveller's fact. Now, where do
+you go to fish?"
+
+"To the lakes, of course; there are no fish in the ponds."
+
+"Exactly," said Mr. Slick, "that is what I want to bring
+you to; there is no fish in a pond, there is nothin' but
+frogs. Nova Scotia is only a pond, and so is New Brunswick,
+and such outlandish, out o' the way, little crampt up,
+stagnant places. There is no 'big fish' there, nor never
+can be; there ain't no food for 'em. A colony frog!!
+Heavens and airth, what an odd fish that is? A colony
+pollywog! do, for gracious sake, catch one, put him into
+a glass bottle full of spirits, and send him to the Museum
+as a curiosity in natur. So you are a goin' to make your
+two nice pretty little smart boys a pair of colony frogs,
+eh? Oh! do, by all means.
+
+"You'll have great comfort in 'em, Squire. Monstrous
+comfort. It will do your old heart good to go down to
+the edge of the pond on the fust of May, or thereabouts,
+accordin' to the season, jist at sun down, and hear 'em
+sing. You'll see the little fellers swell out their
+cheeks, and roar away like young suckin' thunders. For
+the frogs beat all natur there for noise; they have no
+notion of it here at all. I've seed Englishmen that
+couldn't sleep all night, for the everlastin' noise these
+critters made. Their frogs have somethin' else to do
+here besides singin'. Ain't it a splendid prospect that,
+havin' these young frogs settled all round you in the
+same mud-hole, all gathered in a, nice little musical
+family party. All fine fun this, till some fine day we
+Yankee storks will come down and gobble them all up, and
+make clear work of it.
+
+"No, Squire, take my advice now for once; jist go to
+your colony minister when he is alone. Don't set down,
+but stand up as if you was in airnest, and didn't come
+to gossip, and tell him, 'Turn these ponds into a lake,'
+sais you, my lord minister, give them an inlet and an
+outlet. Let them be kept pure, and sweet, and wholesome,
+by a stream, runnin' through. Fish will live there then
+if you put them in, and they will breed there, and keep
+up the stock. At present they die; it ain't big enough;
+there ain't room. If he sais he hante time to hear you,
+and asks you to put it into writin', do you jist walk
+over to his table, take up his lignum vitae ruler into
+your fist, put your back to the door, and say 'By the
+'tarnal empire, you _shall_ hear me; you don't go out of
+this, till I give you the butt eend of my mind, I can
+tell you. I am an old bull frog now; the Nova Scotia pond
+is big enough for me; I'll get drowned if I get into a
+bigger one, for I hante got no fins, nothin' but legs
+and arms to swim with, and deep water wouldn't suit me,
+I ain't fit for it, and I must live and die there, that's
+my fate as sure as rates.' If he gets tired, and goes to
+get up or to move, do you shake the big ruler at him, as
+fierce as a painter, and say, 'Don't you stir for your
+life; I don't want to lay nothin' _on_ your head, I only
+want to put somethin' _in_ it. I am a father and have
+got youngsters. I am a native, and have got countrymen.
+Enlarge our sphere, give us a chance in the world.' 'Let
+me out,' he'll say, 'this minute, Sir, or I'll put you
+in charge of a policeman.' 'Let you out is it,' sais you.
+'Oh! you feel bein' pent up, do you? I am glad of it.
+The tables are turned now, that's what we complain of.
+You've stood at the door, and kept us in; now I'll keep
+you in awhile. I want to talk to you, that's more than
+you ever did to us. How do you like bein' shut in? Does
+it feel good? Does it make your dander rise?' 'Let me
+out,' he'll say agin, 'this moment, Sir, how dare you.'
+Oh! you are in a hurry, are you?' sais you. 'You've kept
+me in all my life; don't be oneasy if I keep you in five
+minutes.'
+
+"'Well, what do you want then?' he'll say, kinder peevish;
+'what do you want?' 'I don't want nothin' for myself,'
+sais you. 'I've got all I can get in that pond; and I
+got that from the Whigs, fellers I've been abusin' all
+my life; and I'm glad to make amends by acknowledging
+this good turn they did me; for I am a tory, and no
+mistake. I don't want nothin'; but I want to be an
+_Englishman_. I don't want to be an English _subject_;
+do you understand that now? If you don't, this is the
+meanin', that there is no fun in bein' a fag, if you are
+never to have a fag yourself. Give us all fair play.
+Don't move now,' sais you, 'for I'm gettin' warm; I'm
+gettin' spotty on the back, my bristles is up, and I
+might hurt you with this ruler; it's a tender pint this,
+for I've rubbed the skin off of a sore place; but I'll
+tell you a gospel truth, and mind what I tell you, for
+nobody else has sense enough, and if they had, they hante
+courage enough. If you don't make _Englishmen of us_,
+the force of circumstances will _make Yankees_ of us, as
+sure as you are born.' He'll stare at that. He is a clever
+man, and aint wantin' in gumption. He is no fool, that's
+a fact. 'Is it no compliment to you and your institutions
+this?' sais you. 'Don't it make you feel proud that even
+independence won't tempt us to dissolve the connexion?
+Ain't it a noble proof of your good qualities that,
+instead of agitatin' for Repeal of the Union, we want a
+closer union? But have we no pride too? We would be
+onworthy of the name of Englishmen, if we hadn't it, and
+we won't stand beggin' for ever I tell _you_. Here's our
+hands, give us yourn; let's be all Englishmen together.
+Give us a chance, and if us, young English boys, don't
+astonish you old English, my name ain't Tom Poker, that's
+all.' 'Sit down,' he'll say, 'Mr. Poker;' there is a
+great deal in that; sit down; I am interested.'
+
+"The instant he sais that, take your ruler, lay it down
+on the table, pick up your hat, make a scrape with your
+hind leg, and say, 'I regret I have detained you so long,
+Sir. I am most peskily afraid my warmth has kinder betrayed
+me into rudeness. I really beg pardon, I do upon my soul.
+I feel I have smashed down all decency, I am horrid
+ashamed of myself.' Well, he won't say you hante rode
+the high hoss, and done the unhandsum thing, because it
+wouldn't be true if he did; but he'll say, 'Pray be
+seated. I can make allowances, Sir, even for intemperate
+zeal. And this is a very important subject, very indeed.
+There is a monstrous deal in what you say, though you
+have, I must say, rather a peculiar, an unusual, way of
+puttin' it.' Don't you stay another minit though, nor
+say another word, for your life; but bow, beg pardon,
+hold in your breath, that your face may look red, as if
+you was blushin', and back out, starn fust. Whenever
+you make an impression on a man, stop; your reasonin'
+and details may ruin you. Like a feller who sais a good
+thing, he'd better shove off, and leave every one larfin'
+at his wit, than stop and tire them out, till they say
+what a great screw augur that is. Well, if you find he
+opens the colonies, and patronises the smart folks, leave
+your sons there if you like, and let 'em work up, and
+work out of it, if they are fit, and time and opportunity
+offers. But one thing is sartain, _the very openin' of
+the door will open their minds_, as a matter of course.
+If he don't do it, and I can tell you before hand he
+won't--for they actilly hante got time here, to think of
+these things--send your boys here into the great world.
+Sais you to the young Lawyer, 'Bob,' sais you, '"aim
+high." If you don't get to be Lord Chancellor, I shall
+never die in peace. I've set my heart on it. It's within
+your reach, if you are good for anything. Let me see the
+great seal--let me handle it before I die--do, that's a
+dear; if not, go back to your Colony pond, and sing with
+your provincial frogs, and I hope to Heaven the fust
+long-legged bittern that comes there will make a supper
+of you."
+
+"Then sais you to the young parson, 'Arthur,' sais you
+'Natur jist made you for a clergyman. Now, do you jist
+make yourself 'Archbishop of Canterbury.' My death-bed
+scene will be an awful one, if I don't see you 'the
+Primate'; for my affections, my hopes, my heart, is fixed
+on it. I shall be willin' to die then, I shall depart in
+peace, and leave this world happy. And, Arthur,' sais
+you, 'they talk and brag here till one is sick of the
+sound a'most about "Addison's death-bed." Good people
+refer to it as an example, authors as a theatrical scene
+and hypocrites as a grand illustration for them to turn
+up the whites of their cold cantin' eyes at. Lord love
+you, my son,' sais you, 'let them brag of it; but what
+would it be to mine; you congratulatin' me on goin' to
+a better world, and me congratulatin' you on bein'
+"Archbishop." Then,' sais you, in a starn voice like a
+boatsan's trumpet--for if you want things to be remembered,
+give 'em effect, "Aim high," Sir,' sais you. Then like
+my old father, fetch him a kick on his western eend, that
+will lift him clean over the table, and say 'that's the
+way to rise in the world, you young sucking parson you.
+"Aim high," Sir.'
+
+"Neither of them will ever forget it as long as they
+live. The hit does that; for a kick is a very _striking_
+thing, that's a fact. There has been _no good scholars
+since birch rods went out o' school, and sentiment went
+in_."
+
+"But you know," I said, "Mr. Slick, that those high prizes
+in the lottery of life, can, in the nature of things, be
+drawn but by few people, and how many blanks are there
+to one-prize in this world."
+
+"Well, what's to prevent your boys gettin' those prizes,
+if colonists was made Christians of, instead of outlawed,
+exiled, transported, oncarcumcised heathen Indgean niggers,
+as they be. If people don't put into a lottery, how the
+devil can they get prizes? will you tell me that. Look
+at the critters here, look at the publicans, taylors,
+barbers, and porters' sons, how the've rose here, 'in
+this big lake,' to be chancellors and archbishops; how
+did they get them? They 'aimed high,' and besides, all
+that, like father's story of the gun, by 'aiming high,'
+though they may miss the mark, they will be sure to hit
+the upper circles. Oh, Squire, there is nothing like
+'aiming high,' in this world."
+
+"I quite agree with you, Sam," said Mr. Hopewell. "I
+never heard you speak so sensibly before. Nothing can be
+better for young men than "Aiming high." Though they may
+not attain to the highest honours, they may, as you say,
+reach to a most respectable station. But surely, Squire,
+you will never so far forget the respect that is due to
+so high an officer as a Secretary of State, or, indeed,
+so far forget yourself as to adopt a course, which from
+its eccentricity, violence, and impropriety, must leave
+the impression that your intellects are disordered.
+Surely you will never be tempted to make the experiment?"
+
+"I should think not, indeed," I said. "I have no desire
+to become an inmate of a lunatic asylum."
+
+"Good," said he; "I am satisfied. I quite agree with
+Sam, though. Indeed, I go further. I do not think he has
+advised you to recommend your boys to 'aim high enough.'"
+
+"Creation! said Mr. Slick, "how much higher do you want
+provincial frogs to go, than to be 'Chancellor' and
+'Primate?'
+
+"I'll tell you, Sam; I'd advise them to 'aim higher' than
+earthly honours. I would advise them to do their duty,
+in any station of life in which it shall please Providence
+to place them; and instead of striving after unattainable
+objects here, to be unceasing in their endeavours to
+obtain that which, on certain conditions, is promised to
+all hereafter. In their worldly pursuits, as men, it is
+right for them to '_aim high_;' but as Christians, it is
+also their duty to '_aim higher_.'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+A SWOI-REE.
+
+Mr. Slick visited me late last night, dressed as if he
+had been at a party, but very cross, and, as usual when
+in that frame of mind, he vented his ill-humour on the
+English.
+
+"Where have you been to-night, Mr. Slick?"
+
+"Jist where the English hosses will be," he replied,
+"when Old Clay comes here to this country;--no where. I
+have been on a stair-case, that's where I have been; and
+a pretty place to see company in, ain't it? I have been
+jammed to death in an entry, and what's wus than all, I
+have given one gall a black eye with my elbow, tore
+another one's frock off with my buttons, and near about
+cut a third one's leg in two with my hat. Pretty well
+for one night's work, ain't it? and for me too, that's
+so fond of the dear little critturs, I wouldn't hurt a
+hair of their head, if I could help it, to save my soul
+alive. What a spot o' work!
+
+"What the plague do people mean here by askin' a mob to
+their, house, and invitin' twice as many as can get into
+it? If they think it's complimental, they are infarnally
+mistaken, that's all: it's an insult and nothin' else,
+makin' a fool of a body that way. Heavens and airth! I
+am wringing wet! I'm ready to faint! Where's the key of
+your cellaret? I want some brandy and water. I'm dead;
+bury me quick, for I won't be nice directly. Oh dear!
+how that lean gall hurt me! How horrid sharp her bones
+are!
+
+"I wish to goodness you'd go to a Swoi-ree oncet, Squire,
+jist oncet--a grand let off, one that's upper crust and
+rael jam. It's worth seein' oncet jist as a show, I tell
+_you_, for you have no more notion of it than a child.
+All Halifax, if it was swept up clean and shook out into
+a room, wouldn't make one swoi-ree. I have been to three
+to night, and all on 'em was mobs--regular mobs. The
+English are horrid fond of mobs, and I wonder at it too;
+for of all the cowardly, miserable, scarry mobs, that
+ever was seen in this blessed world, the English is the
+wust. Two dragoons will clear a whole street as quick
+as wink, any time. The instant they see 'em, they jist
+run like a flock of sheep afore a couple of bull dogs,
+and slope off properly skeered. Lawful heart, I wish
+they'd send for a dragoon, all booted, and spurred, and
+mounted, and let him gallop into a swoi-ree, and charge
+the mob there. He'd clear 'em out _I_ know, double quick:
+he'd chase one quarter of 'em down stairs head over heels,
+and another quarter would jump out o' the winders, and
+break their confounded necks to save their lives, and
+then the half that's left, would he jist about half too
+many for comfort.
+
+"My first party to-night wus a conversation one; that is
+for them that _could_ talk; as for me I couldn't talk a
+bit, and all I could think was, 'how infarnal hot it is!
+I wish I could get in!' or, 'oh dear, if I could only
+get out!' It was a scientific party, a mob o' men. Well,
+every body expected somebody would be squashed to death,
+and so ladies went, for they always go to executions.
+They've got a kinder nateral taste for the horrors, have
+women. They like to see people hanged or trod to death,
+when they can get a chance. It _was_ a conversation warn't
+it? that's all. I couldn't understand a word I heard.
+Trap shale Greywachy; a petrified snail, the most important
+discovery of modern times. Bank governor's machine weighs
+sovereigns, light ones go to the right, and heavy ones
+to the left.
+
+"'Stop,' says I, 'if you mean the sovereign people here,
+there are none on 'em light. Right and left is both
+monstrous heavy; all over weight, every one on 'em. I'm
+squeezed to death.'
+
+"'Very good, Mr. Slick. Let me introduce you to ----,'
+they are whipt off in the current, and I don't see 'em
+again no more. 'A beautiful shew of flowers, Madam, at
+the garden: they are all in full blow now. The
+rhododendron--had a tooth pulled when she was asleep.'
+'Please to let me pass, Sir.' 'With all my heart, Miss,
+if I could; but I can't move; if I could I would down on
+the carpet, and you should walk over me. Take care of
+your feet, Miss, I am off of mine. Lord bless me! what's
+this? why as I am a livin' sinner, it's half her frock
+hitched on to my coat button. Now I know what that scream
+meant.'
+
+"'How do you do, Mr. Slick? When did you come?' 'Why I
+came--' he is turned round, and shoved out o' hearin.'
+'Xanthian marbles at the British Museum are quite wonderful;
+got into his throat, the doctor turned him upside down,
+stood him on his head, and out it came--his own tunnel
+was too small.' 'Oh, Sir, you are cuttin' me.' 'Me, Miss!
+Where had I the pleasure of seein' you before, I never
+cut a lady in my life, could'nt do so rude a thing.
+Havn't the honour to recollect you.' 'Oh, Sir, take it
+away, it cuts me.' Poor thing, she is distracted, I don't
+wonder. She's drove crazy, though I think she must have
+been mad to come here at all. 'Your hat, Sir.' 'Oh, that
+cussed French hat is it? Well, the rim is as stiff and
+as sharp as a cleaver, that's a fact, I don't wonder it
+cut you.' 'Eddis's pictur--capital painting, fell out of
+the barge, and was drowned.' 'Having been beat on the
+shillin' duty; they will attach him on the fourpence,
+and thimble rigg him out of that.' 'They say Sugden is
+in town, hung in a bad light, at the Temple Church.'
+----'Who is that?' 'Lady Fobus; paired off for the Session;
+Brodie operated.'----Lady Francis; got the Life Guards;
+there will be a division to-night.'----That's Sam Slick;
+I'll introduce you; made a capital speech in the House
+of Lords, in answer to Brougham--Lobelia--voted for the
+bill--The Duchess is very fond of----Irish Arms--'
+
+"Oh! now I'm in the entry. How tired I am! It feels
+shockin' cold here, too, arter comin' out o' that hot
+room. Guess I'll go to the grand musical party. Come,
+this will do; this is Christian-like, there is room here;
+but the singin' is in next room, I will go and hear them.
+Oh! here they are agin; it's a proper mob this. Cuss,
+these English, they can't live out of mobs. Prince Albert
+is there in that room; I must go and see him. He is
+popular; he is a renderin' of himself very agreeable to
+the English, is Prince: he mixes with them as much as he
+can; and shews his sense in that. Church steeples are
+very pretty things: that one to Antwerp is splendiriferous;
+it's everlastin' high, it most breaks your neck layin'
+back your head to look at it; bend backward like a hoop,
+and stare at it once with all your eyes, and you can't
+look up agin, you are satisfied. It tante no use for a
+Prince to carry a head so high as that, Albert knows
+this; he don't want to be called the highest steeple,
+cause all the world knows he is about the top loftiest;
+but he want's to descend to the world we live in.
+
+"With a Queen all men love, and a Prince all men like,
+royalty has a root in the heart here. Pity, too, for the
+English don't desarve to have a Queen; and such a Queen
+as they have got too, hang me if they do. They ain't men,
+they hante the feelin's or pride o' men in 'em; they
+ain't what they used to be, the nasty, dirty, mean-spirited,
+sneakin' skunks, for if they had a heart as big as a
+pea--and that ain't any great size, nother--cuss 'em,
+when any feller pinted a finger at her to hurt her, or
+even frighten her, they'd string him right up on the
+spot, to the lamp post. Lynch him like a dog that steals
+sheep right off the reel, and save mad-doctors, skary
+judges, and Chartist papers all the trouble of findin'
+excuses. And, if that didn't do, Chinese like, they'd
+take the whole crowd present and sarve _them_ out. They'd
+be sure to catch the right one then. I wouldn't shed
+blood, because that's horrid; it shocks all Christian
+people, philosophisin' legislators, sentimental ladies,
+and spooney gentlemen. It's horrid barbarous that, is
+sheddin' blood; I wouldn't do that, I'd jist hang him.
+A strong cord tied tight round his neck would keep that
+precious mixtur, traitor's blood, all in as close as if
+his mouth was corked, wired, and white-leaded, like a
+champagne bottle.
+
+"Oh dear! these are the fellers that come out a travellin'
+among us, and sayin' the difference atween you and us is
+'the absence of loyalty.' I've heard tell a great deal
+of that loyalty, but I've seen precious little of it,
+since I've been here, that's a fact. I've always told
+you these folks ain't what they used to be, and I see
+more and more, on 'em every day. Yes, the English are
+like their hosses, they are so fine bred, there is nothin'
+left of 'em now but the hide, hair, and shoes.
+
+"So Prince Albert is there in that room; I must get in
+there and see him, for I have never sot eyes on him since
+I've been here, so here goes. Onder, below there, look
+out for your corns, hawl your feet in, like turtles, for
+I am a comin'. Take care o' your ribs, my old 'coons,
+for my elbows are crooked. Who wants to grow? I'll squeeze
+you out as a rollin'-pin does dough, and make you ten
+inches taller. I'll make good figures of you, my fat boys
+and galls, I know. Look out for scaldin's there. Here
+I am: it's me, Sam Slick, make way, or I'll walk right
+over you, and cronch you like lobsters. 'Cheap talkin',
+or rather thinkin', sais I; for in course I couldn't bawl
+that out in company here; they don't understand fun, and
+would think it rude, and ongenteel. I have to be shockin'
+cautious what I say here, for fear I might lower our
+great nation in the eyes of foreigners. I have to look
+big and talk big the whole blessed time, and I am tired
+of it. It ain't nateral to me; and, besides braggin' and
+repudiatin' at the same time, is most as bad as cantin'
+and swearin'. It kinder chokes me. I thought it all
+though, and said it all to myself. 'And,' sais I, 'take
+your time, Sam; you can't do it, no how, you can fix-it.
+You must wait your time, like other folks. Your legs is
+tied, and your arms is tied down by the crowd, and you
+can't move an inch beyond your nose. The only way is,
+watch your chance, wait till you can get your hands up,
+then turn the fust two persons that's next to you right
+round, and slip between them like a turn stile in the
+park, and work your passage that way. Which is the Prince?
+That's him with the hair carefully divided, him with the
+moustaches. I've seed him; a plaguy handsum man he is,
+too. Let me out now. I'm stifled, I'm choked. My jaws
+stick together, I can't open 'em no more; and my wind
+won't hold out another minute.
+
+"I have it now, I've got an idea. See if I don't put the
+leake into 'em. Won't I _do_ them, that's all? Clear the
+way there, the Prince is a comin', _and_ so is the Duke.
+And a way is opened: waves o' the sea roll hack at these
+words, and I walks right out, as large as life, and the
+fust Egyptian that follers is drowned, for the water has
+closed over him. Sarves him right, too, what business
+had he to grasp my life-preserver without leave. I have
+enough to do to get along by my own wit, without carry
+in' double.
+
+"'Where is the Prince? Didn't they say he was a comin'?
+Who was that went out? He don't look like the Prince; he
+ain't half so handsum, that feller, he looks, like a
+Yankee.' 'Why, that was Sam Slick.' 'Capital, that! What
+a droll feller he is; he is always so ready! He desarves
+credit for that trick.' Guess I do; but let old Connecticut
+alone; us Slickville boys always find a way to dodge in
+or out embargo or no embargo, blockade or no blockade,
+we larnt that last war.
+
+"Here I am in the street agin; the air feels handsum. I
+have another invitation to-night, shall I go? Guess I
+will. All the world is at these two last places, I reckin
+there will be breathin' room at the next; and I want an
+ice cream to cool my coppers, shockin' bad.--Creation!
+It is wus than ever; this party beats t'other ones all
+holler. They ain't no touch to it. I'll jist go and make
+a scrape to old uncle and aunty, and then cut stick; for
+I hante strength to swiggle my way through another mob.
+
+"'You had better get in fust, though, hadn't you, Sam?
+for here you are agin wracked, by gosh, drove right slap
+ashore atween them two fat women, and fairly wedged in
+and bilged. You can't get through, and can't get out, if
+you was to die for it.' 'Can't I though? I'll try; for
+I never give in, till I can't help it. So here's at it.
+Heave off, put all steam on, and back out, starn fust,
+and then swing round into the stream. That's the ticket,
+Sam.' It's done; but my elbow has took that lady that's
+two steps furder down on the stairs, jist in the eye,
+and knocked in her dead light. How she cries! how I
+apologize, don't I? And the more I beg pardon, the wus
+she carries on. But it's no go; if I stay, I must fust
+fight somebody, and then marry _her_; for I've spiled
+her beauty, and that's the rule here, they tell me.'
+
+"So I sets studen sail booms, and cracks on all sail,
+and steers for home, and here I am once more; at least
+what's left of me, and that ain't much more nor my shader.
+Oh dear! I'm tired, shockin' tired, almost dead, and
+awful thirsty; for Heaven's sake, give me some lignum
+vitae, for I am so dry, I'll blow away in dust.
+
+"This is a Swoi-ree, Squire, this is London society; this
+is rational enjoyment, this is a meeting of friends, who
+are so infarnal friendly they are jammed together so they
+can't leave each other. Inseparable friends; you must
+choke 'em off, or you can't part 'em. Well, I ain't jist
+so thick and intimate with none o' them in this country
+as all that comes to nother. I won't lay down my life
+for none on 'em; I don't see no occasion for it, _do
+you_?
+
+"I'll dine with you, John Bull, if you axe me; and I
+ain't nothin' above particular to do, and the cab hire
+don't cost more nor the price of a dinner; but hang me
+if ever I go to a Swoi-ree agin. I've had enough of
+that, to last me _my_ life, I know. A dinner I hante no
+objection to, though that ain't quite so bright as a
+pewter button nother, when you don't know you're right
+and left, hand man. And an evenin' party, I wouldn't take
+my oath I wouldn't go to, though I don't know hardly what
+to talk about, except America; and I've bragged so much
+about that, I'm tired of the subject. But a _Swoi-ree is
+the devil, that's a fact_."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+TATTERSALL'S OR, THE ELDER AND THE GRAVE DIGGER.
+
+"Squire," said Mr. Slick, "it ain't rainin' to-day;
+suppose you come along with me to Tattersall's. I have
+been studyin' that place a considerable sum to see whether
+it is a safe shop to trade in or no. But I'm dubersome;
+I don't like the cut of the sportin' folks here. If I
+can see both eends of the rope, and only one man has hold
+of one eend, and me of the tother, why I know what I am
+about; but if I can only see my own eend, I don't know
+who I am a pullin' agin. I intend to take a rise out o'
+some o' the knowin' ones here, that will make 'em scratch
+their heads, and stare, I know. But here we are. Cut
+round this corner, into this Lane. Here it is; this is
+it to the right."
+
+We entered a sort of coach-yard, which was filled with
+a motley and mixed crowd of people. I was greatly
+disappointed in Tattersall's. Indeed, few things in London
+have answered my expectations. They have either exceeded
+or fallen short of the description I had heard of them.
+I was prepared, both from what I was told by Mr. Slick,
+and heard, from others, to find that there were but very
+few gentlemen-like looking men there; and that by far
+the greater number neither were, nor affected to be, any
+thing but "knowing ones." I was led to believe that there
+would be a plentiful use of the terms _of art_, a variety
+of provincial accent, and that the conversation of the
+jockeys and grooms would be liberally garnished with
+appropriate slang.
+
+The gentry portion of the throng, with some few exceptions,
+it was said, wore a dissipated look, and had that peculiar
+appearance of incipient disease, that indicates a life
+of late hours, of excitement, and bodily exhaustion.
+Lower down in the scale of life, I was informed,
+intemperance had left its indelible marks. And that
+still further down, were to be found the worthless lees
+of this foul and polluted stream of sporting gentlemen,
+spendthrifts, gamblers, bankrupts, sots, sharpers and
+jockeys.
+
+This was by no means the case. It was just what a man
+might have expected to have found a great sporting exchange
+and auction mart, of horses and carriages, to have been,
+in a great city like London, had he been merely told that
+such was the object of the place, and then left to imagine
+the scene. It was, as I have before said, a mixed and
+motley crowd; and must necessarily be so, where agents
+attend to bid for their principals, where servants are
+in waiting upon their masters, and above all, where the
+ingress is open to every one.
+
+It is, however, unquestionably the resort of gentlemen.
+In a great and rich country like this, there must,
+unavoidably, be a Tattersall's; and the wonder is, not
+that it is not better, but that it is not infinitely
+worse. Lake all striking pictures, it had strong lights
+and shades. Those who have suffered, are apt to retaliate;
+and a man who has been duped, too often thinks he has a
+right to make reprisals. Tattersall's, therefore, is not
+without its privateers. Many persons of rank and character
+patronize sporting, from a patriotic but mistaken notion,
+that it is to the turf alone the excellence of the English
+horse is attributable.
+
+One person of this description, whom I saw there for a
+short time, I had the pleasure of knowing before; and
+from him I learned many interesting anecdotes of individuals
+whom he pointed out as having been once well known about
+town, but whose attachment to gambling had effected their
+ruin. Personal stories of this kind are, however, not
+within the scope of this work.
+
+As soon as we entered, Mr. Slick called my attention to
+the carriages which were exhibited for sale, to their
+elegant shape and "beautiful fixins," as he termed it;
+but ridiculed, in no measured terms, their enormous
+weight. "It is no wonder," said he, "they have to get
+fresh hosses here every ten miles, and travellin' costs
+so much, when the carriage alone is enough to kill beasts.
+What would Old Bull say, if I was to tell him of one pair
+of hosses carryin' three or four people, forty or fifty
+miles a-day, day in and day out, hand runnin' for a
+fortnight? Why, he'd either be too civil to tell me it
+was a lie, or bein' afeerd I'd jump down his throat if
+he did, he'd sing dumb, and let me see by his looks, he
+thought so, though.
+
+"I intend to take the consait out of these chaps, and
+that's a fact. If I don't put the leak into 'em afore
+I've done with them, my name ain't Sam Slick, that's a
+fact. I'm studyin' the ins and the outs of this place,
+so as to know what I am about, afore I take hold; for I
+feel kinder skittish about my men. Gentlemen are the
+lowest, lyinest, bullyinest, blackguards there is, when
+they choose to be; 'specially if they have rank as well
+as money. A thoroughbred cheat, of good blood, is a
+clipper, that's a fact. They ain't right up-and-down,
+like a cow's tail, in their dealin's; and they've got
+accomplices, fellers that will lie for 'em like any thing,
+for the honour of their company; and bettin', onder such
+circumstances, ain't safe.
+
+"But, I'll tell you what is, if you have got a hoss that
+can do it, and no mistake: back him, hoss agin hoss, or
+what's safer still, hoss agin time, and you can't be
+tricked. Now, I'll send for Old Clay, to come in Cunard's
+steamer, and cuss 'em they ought to bring over the old
+hoss and his fixins, free, for it was me first started
+that line. The way old Mr. Glenelg stared, when I told
+him it was thirty-six miles shorter to go from Bristol
+to New York by the way of Halifax, than to go direct
+warn't slow. It stopt steam for that hitch, that's a
+fact, for he thort I was mad. He sent it down to the
+Admiralty to get it ciphered right, and it took them old
+seagulls, the Admirals a month to find it out.
+
+"And when they did, what did they say? Why, cuss 'em,
+says they, 'any fool knows that.' Says I, 'If that's the
+case you are jist the boys then that ought to have found
+it out right off at oncet.'
+
+"Yes, Old Clay ought to go free, but be won't; and guess
+I am able to pay freight for him, and no thanks to nobody.
+Now, I'll tell you what, English trottin' is about a mile
+in two minutes and forty-seven seconds, and that don't
+happen oftener than oncet in fifty years, if it was ever
+done at all, for the English brag so there is no telling
+right. Old Clay _can_ do his mile in two minutes and
+thirty-eight seconds. He _has_ done that, and I guess he
+_could_ do more. I have got a car, that is as light as
+whalebone, and I'll bet to do it with wheels and drive
+myself. I'll go in up to the handle, on Old Clay. I have
+a hundred thousand dollars of hard cash made in the
+colonies, I'll go half of it on the old hoss, hang me if
+I don't, and I'll make him as well knowd to England as
+he is to Nova Scotia.
+
+"I'll allow him to be beat at fust, so as to lead 'em
+on, and Clay is as cunnin' as a coon too, if he don't
+get the word g'lang (go along) and the Indgian skelpin'
+yell with it, he knows I ain't in airnest, and he'll
+allow me to beat him and bully him like nothin'. He'll
+pretend to do his best, and sputter away like a hen
+scratchin' gravel, but he won't go one mossel faster,
+for he knows I never lick a free hoss.
+
+"Won't it be beautiful? How they'll all larf and crow,
+when they see me a thrashin' away at the hoss, and then
+him goin' slower, the faster I thrash, and me a threatenin'
+to shoot the brute, and a talkin' at the tip eend of my
+tongue like a ravin' distracted bed bug, and offerin' to
+back him agin, if they dare, and planken down the pewter
+all round, takin' every one up that will go the figur',
+till I raise the bets to the tune of fifty thousand
+dollars. When I get that far, they may stop their larfin'
+till next time, I guess. That's the turn of the
+fever--that's the crisis--that's my time to larf then.
+
+"I'll mount the car then, take the bits of list up, put
+'em into right shape, talk a little Connecticut Yankee
+to the old hoss, to set his ebenezer up, and make him
+rise inwardly, and then give the yell," (which he uttered
+in his excitement in earnest; and a most diabolical one
+it was. It pierced me through and through, and curdled
+my very blood, it was the death shout of a savage.)
+"G'lang you skunk, and turn out your toes pretty," said
+he, and he again repeated this long protracted, shrill,
+infernal yell, a second time.
+
+Every eye was instantly turned upon us. Even Tattersall
+suspended his "he is five years old--a good hack--and is
+to be sold," to give time for the general exclamation of
+surprise. "Who the devil is that? Is he mad? Where did
+_he_ come from? Does any body know him? He is a devilish
+keen-lookin' fellow that; what an eye he has! He looks
+like a Yankee, that fellow."
+
+"He's been here, your honour, several days, examines
+every thing and says nothing; looks like a knowing one,
+your honour. He handles a hoss as if he'd seen one afore
+to-day, Sir."
+
+"Who is that gentleman with him?"
+
+"Don't know, your honour, never saw him before; he looks
+like a furriner, too."
+
+"Come, Mr. Slick," said I, "we are attracting too much
+attention here, let us go."
+
+"Cuss 'em," said he, "I'll attract more attention afore
+I've done yet, when Old Clay comes, and then I'll tell
+'em who I am--Sam Slick, from Slickville, Onion County,
+State of Connecticut, United States of America. But I do
+suppose we had as good make tracks, for I don't want
+folks to know me yet. I'm plaguy sorry I let put that
+countersign of Old Clay too, but they won't onderstand
+it. Critters like the English, that know everything have
+generally weak eyes, from studyin' so hard.
+
+"Did you take notice of that critter I was a handlin'
+of, Squire? that one that's all drawed up in the middle
+like a devil's darnin' needle; her hair a standin' upon
+eend as if she was amazed at herself, and a look out of
+her eye, as if she thort the dogs would find the steak
+kinder tough, when they got her for dinner. Well, that's
+a great mare that 'are, and there ain't nothin' onder
+the sun the matter of her, except the groom has stole
+her oats, forgot to give her water, and let her make a
+supper sometimes off of her nasty, mouldy, filthy beddin'.
+I hante see'd a hoss here equal to her a'most--short
+back, beautiful rake to the shoulder, great depth of
+chest, elegant quarter, great stifle, amazin' strong arm,
+monstrous nice nostrils, eyes like a weasel, all outside,
+game ears, first chop bone and fine flat leg, with no
+gum on no part of it. She's a sneezer that; but she'll
+be knocked down for twenty or thirty pound, because she
+looks as if she was used up.
+
+"I intended to a had that mare, for I'd a made her worth
+twelve hundred dollars. It was a dreadful pity, I let
+go, that time, for I actilly forgot where I was. I'll
+know better next hitch, for boughten wit is the best in
+a general way. Yes, I'm peskily sorry about that mare.
+Well, swappin' I've studied, but I doubt if it's as much
+the fashion here as with us; and besides, swappin' where
+you don't know the county and its tricks, (for every
+county has its own tricks, different from others), is
+dangersome too. I've seen swaps where both sides got
+took in. Did ever I tell you the story of the "Elder and
+the grave-digger?"
+
+"Never," I replied; "but here we are at our lodgings.
+Come in, and tell it to me."
+
+"Well," said he, "I must have a glass of mint julip fust,
+to wash down that ere disappointment about the mare. It
+was a dreadful go that. I jist lost a thousand dollars
+by it, as slick as grease. But it's an excitin' thing is
+a trottin' race, too. When you mount, hear the word
+'Start!' and shout out 'G'lang!' and give the pass word."
+
+Good heavens! what a yell he perpetrated again. I put
+both hands to my ears, to exclude the reverberations of
+it from the walls.
+
+"Don't be skeered, Squire; don't be skeered. We are alone
+now: there is no mare to lose. Ain't it pretty? It makes
+me feel all dandery and on wires like."
+
+"But the grave-digger?" said I.
+
+"Well," says he, "the year afore I knowed you, I was
+a-goin' in the fall, down to Clare, about sixty miles
+below Annapolis, to collect some debts due to me there
+from the French. And as I was a-joggin' on along the
+road, who should I overtake but Elder Stephen Grab, of
+Beechmeadows, a mounted on a considerable of a
+clever-lookin' black mare. The Elder was a pious man;
+at least he looked like one, and spoke like one too. His
+face was as long as the moral law, and p'rhaps an inch
+longer, and as smooth as a hone; and his voice was so
+soft and sweet, and his tongue moved so ily on its hinges,
+you'd a thought you might a trusted him with ontold gold,
+if you didn't care whether you ever got it agin or no.
+He had a bran new hat on, with a brim that was none of
+the smallest, to keep the sun from makin' his inner man
+wink, and his go-to-meetin' clothes on, and a pair of
+silver mounted spurs, and a beautiful white cravat, tied
+behind, so as to have no bows to it, and look meek. If
+there was a good man on airth, you'd a said it was him.
+And he seemed to feel it, and know it too, for there was
+a kind of look o' triumph about him, as if he had conquered
+the Evil One, and was considerable well satisfied with
+himself.
+
+"'H'are you,' sais I, 'Elder, to-day? Which way are you
+from?"
+
+"'From the General Christian Assembly, sais he, 'to Goose
+Creek. We had a "_most refreshin' time on't_." There was
+a great "_outpourin' of the spirit_."'
+
+"'Well, that's awful,' says I, 'too. The magistrates
+ought to see to that; it ain't right, when folks assemble
+that way to worship, to be a-sellin' of rum; and gin,
+and brandy, and spirits, is it?'
+
+"'I don't mean that,' sais he, 'although, p'rhaps, there
+was too much of that wicked traffic too, I mean the
+preachin'. It was very peeowerful; there was "_many
+sinners saved_."
+
+"'I guess there was plenty of room for it,' sais I,
+'onless that neighbourhood has much improved since I
+knowed it last.'
+
+"'It's a sweet thing,' sais he. 'Have you ever "_made
+profession_," Mr. Slick?'
+
+"'Come,' sais I to myself, 'this is cuttin' it rather
+too fat. I must put a stop to this. This ain't a subject
+for conversation with such a cheatin', cantin',
+hippocrytical skunk as this is. Yes,' sais I, 'long ago.
+My profession is that of a clockmaker, and I make no
+pretension to nothin' else. But come, let's water our
+hosses here and liquor ourselves.'
+
+"And we dismounted, and gave 'em a drop to wet their
+mouths.
+
+"'Now,' sais I, a-takin' out of a pocket-pistol that I
+generally travelled with, 'I think I'll take a drop of
+grog;' and arter helpin' myself, I gives the silver cover
+of the flask a dip in the brook, (for a clean rinse is
+better than a dirty wipe, any time), and sais I, 'Will
+you have a little of the "_outpourin' of the spirit?_"
+What do you say, Elder?'
+
+"'Thank you,' sais he, 'friend Slick. I never touch
+liquor, it's agin our rules.'
+
+"And he stooped down and filled it with water, and took
+a mouthful, and then makin' a face like a frog afore he
+goes to sing, and swellin' his cheeks out like a Scotch
+bagpiper, be spit it all out. Sais he, 'That is so warm,
+it makes me sick; and as I ain't otherwise well, from
+the celestial exhaustion of a protracted meetin', I
+believe I will take a little drop, as medicine.'
+
+"Confound him! if he'd a said he'd only leave a little
+drop, it would a been more like the thing; for he e'en
+a'most emptied the whole into the cup, and drank it off
+clean, without winkin'.
+
+"'It's a "_very refreshin' time_,"' sais I, 'ain't' it?'
+But he didn't make no answer. Sais I, 'that's a likely
+beast of yourn, Elder,' and I opened her mouth, and took
+a look at her, and no easy matter nother, I tell you,
+for she held on like a bear trap, with her jaws. "'She
+won't suit you,' sais he, "with a smile, 'Mr. Slick.'
+
+"'I guess not,' sais I.
+
+"'But she'll jist suit the French,' sais he.
+
+"'It's lucky she don't speak French then,' sais I, 'or
+they'd soon find her tongue was too big for her mouth.
+That critter will never see five-and-twenty, and I'm a
+thinkin', she's thirty year old, if she is a day.'
+
+"'I was a thinkin', said he, with a sly look out o' the
+corner of his eye, as if her age warn't no secret to him.
+'I was a thinkin' it's time to put her off, and she'll
+jist suit the French. They hante much for hosses to do,
+in a giniral way, but to ride about; and you won't say
+nothin' about her age, will you? it might endamnify a
+sale.'
+
+"'Not I,' sais I, 'I skin my own foxes, and let other
+folks skin their'n. I have enough to do to mind my own
+business, without interferin' with other people's.'
+
+"'She'll jist suit the French,' sais he; 'they don't know
+nothin' about hosses, or any thing else. They are a simple
+people, and always will be, for their priests keep 'em
+in ignorance. It's an awful thing to see them kept in
+the outer porch of darkness that way, ain't it?'
+
+"'I guess you'll put a new pane o' glass in their porch,'
+sais I, 'and help some o' them to see better; for whoever
+gets that mare, will have his eyes opened, sooner nor he
+bargains for, I know.'
+
+"Sais he, 'she ain't a bad mare; and if she could eat
+bay, might do a good deal of work yet,' and be gave a
+kinder chuckle laugh at his own joke, that sounded like
+the rattles in his throat, it was so dismal and deep,
+for he was one o' them kind of fellers that's too good
+to larf, was Steve.
+
+"Well, the horn o' grog he took, began to onloosen his
+tongue; and I got out of him, that she come near dyin'
+the winter afore, her teeth was so bad, and that he had
+kept her all summer in a dyke pasture up to her fetlocks
+in white clover, and ginn' her ground oats, and Indgian
+meal, and nothin' to do all summer; and in the fore part
+of the fall, biled potatoes, and he'd got her as fat as
+a seal, and her skin as slick as an otter's. She fairly
+shined agin, in the sun.
+
+"'She'll jist suit the French', said he, 'they are a
+simple people and don't know nothin', and if they don't
+like the mare, they must blame their priests for not
+teachin' 'em better. I shall keep within the strict line
+of truth, as becomes a Christian man. I scorn to take a
+man in.'
+
+"Well, we chatted away arter this fashion, he a openin'
+of himself and me a walk in' into him; and we jogged
+along till we came to Charles Tarrio's to Montagon, and
+there was the matter of a thousand French people gathered
+there, a chatterin', and laughin', and jawin', and
+quarrellin', and racin', and wrastlin', and all a givin'
+tongue, like a pack of village dogs, when an Indgian
+comes to town. It was town meetin' day.
+
+"Well, there was a critter there, called by nickname,
+'Goodish Greevoy,' a mounted on a white pony, one o' the
+scariest little screamers, you ever see since you was
+born. He was a tryin' to get up a race, was Goodish, and
+banterin' every one that had a hoss to run with him.
+
+"His face was a fortin' to a painter. His forehead was
+high and narrer, shewin' only a long strip o' tawny skin,
+in a line with his nose, the rest bein' covered with
+hair, as black as ink, and as iley as a seal's mane. His
+brows was thick, bushy and overhangin', like young
+brush-wood on a cliff, and onderneath, was two black
+peerin' little eyes, that kept a-movin' about, keen,
+good-natured, and roguish, but sot far into his skull,
+and looked like the eyes of a fox peepin' out of his den,
+when he warn't to home to company hisself. His nose was
+high, sharp, and crooked, like the back of a reapin'
+hook, and gave a plaguy sight of character to his face,
+while his thinnish lips, that closed on a straight line,
+curlin' up at one eend, and down at the other, shewed,
+if his dander was raised, he could be a jumpin', tarin',
+rampagenous devil if he chose. The pint of his chin
+projected and turned up gently, as if it expected, when
+Goodish lost his teeth, to rise in the world in rank next
+to the nose. When good natur' sat on the box, and drove,
+it warn't a bad face; when Old Nick was coachman, I guess
+it would be as well to give Master Frenchman the road.
+
+"He had a red cap on his head, his beard hadn't been cut
+since last sheep shearin', and he looked as hairy as a
+tarrier; his shirt collar, 'which was of yaller flannel,
+fell on his shoulders loose, and a black hankercher was
+tied round his neck, slack like a sailor's. He wore a
+round jacket and loose trowsers of homespun with no
+waistcoat, and his trowsers was held up by a gallus of
+leather on one side, and of old cord on the other. Either
+Goodish had growed since his clothes was made, or his
+jacket and trowsers warn't on speakin' tarms, for they
+didn't meet by three or four inches, and the shirt shewed
+atween them like a yaller militia sash round him. His
+feet was covered with moccasins of ontanned moose hide,
+and one heel was sot off with an old spur and looked sly
+and wicked. He was a sneezer that, and when he flourished
+his great long withe of a whip stick, that looked like
+a fishin' rod, over his head, and yelled like all possessed,
+he was a caution, that's a fact.
+
+"A knowin' lookin' little hoss, it was too, that he was
+mounted on. Its tail was cut close off to the stump,
+which squared up his rump, and made him look awful strong
+in the hind quarters. His mane was "hogged" which fulled
+out the swell and crest of the neck, and his ears being
+cropped, the critter had a game look about him. There
+was a proper good onderstandin' between him and his rider:
+they looked as if they had growed together, and made one
+critter--half hoss, half man with a touch of the devil.
+
+"Goodish was all up on eend by what he drank, and dashed
+in and out of the crowd arter a fashion, that was quite
+cautionary, callin' out, 'Here comes "the grave-digger."
+Don't be skeered, if any of you get killed, here is the
+hoss that will dig his grave for nothin'. Who'll run a
+lick of a quarter of a mile, for a pint of rum. Will you
+run?' said he, a spunkin' up to the Elder, 'come, let's
+run, and whoever wins, shall go the treat.'
+
+"The Elder smiled as sweet as sugar candy, but backed
+out; he was too old, he said, now to run.
+
+"'Will you swap hosses, old broad cloth then?' said the
+other, 'because if you will, here's at you.'
+
+"Steve took a squint at pony, to see whether that cat
+would jump or no, but the cropt ears, the stump of a
+tail, the rakish look of the horse, didn't jist altogether
+convene to the taste or the sanctified habits of the
+preacher. The word no, hung on his lips, like a wormy
+apple, jist ready to drop the fust shake; but before it
+let go, the great strength, the spryness, and the oncommon
+obedience of pony to the bit, seemed to kinder balance
+the objections; while the sartan and ontimely eend that
+hung over his own mare, during the comin' winter, death
+by starvation, turned the scale.
+
+"'Well,' said he, slowly, 'if we like each other's beasts,
+friend, and can agree as to the boot, I don't know as I
+wouldn't trade; for I don't care to raise colts, havin'
+plenty of hoss stock on hand, and perhaps you do.'
+
+"'How old is your hoss?' said the Frenchman.
+
+"'I didn't raise it,' sais Steve, 'Ned Wheelock, I believe,
+brought her to our parts.'
+
+"'How old do you take her to be?'
+
+"'Poor critter, she'd tell you herself, if she could,'
+said he, 'for she knows best, but she can't speak; and
+I didn't see her, when she was foalded.'
+
+"'How old do you think?'
+
+"'Age,' sais Steve, 'depens on use, not on years. A hoss
+at five, if ill used, is old; a hoss at eight, if well
+used is young.'
+
+"'Sacry footry!' sais Goodish, 'why don't you speak out
+like a man? Lie or no lie, how old is she?'
+
+"'Well, I don't like to say,' sais Steve, 'I know she is
+eight for sartain, and it may be she's nine. If I was to
+say eight, and it turned out nine, you might be thinkin'
+hard of me. I didn't raise it. You can see what condition
+she is in; old hosses ain't commonly so fat as that, at
+least I never, see one that was.'
+
+"A long banter then growed out of the 'boot money.' The
+Elder, asked 7 pounds 10s. Goodish swore he wouldn't give
+that for him and his hoss together; that if they were
+both put up to auction that blessed minute, they wouldn't
+bring it. The Elder hung on to it, as long as there was
+any chance of the boot, and then fort the ground like a
+man, only givin' an inch or so at a time, till he drawed
+up and made a dead stand, on one pound.
+
+"Goodish seemed willing to come to tarms too; but like
+a prudent man, resolved to take a look at the old mare's
+mouth, and make some kind of a guess at her age; but the
+critter knowed how to keep her own secrets, and it was
+ever so long, afore he forced her jaws open, and when he
+did, he came plaguy near losin' of a finger, for his
+curiosity; and as he hopped and danced about with pain,
+he let fly such a string of oaths, and sacry-cussed the
+Elder and his mare, in such an all-fired passion, that
+Steve put both his hands up to his ears, and said, 'Oh,
+my dear friend, don't swear, don't swear; it's very
+wicked. I'll take your pony, I'll ask no boot, if you
+will only promise not to swear. You shall have the mare
+as she stands. I'll give up and swap even; and there
+shall be no after claps, nor ruin bargains, nor recantin',
+nor nother, only don't swear.'
+
+"Well, the trade was made, the saddles and bridles was
+shifted, and both parties mounted their new hosses. 'Mr.
+Slick,' sais Steve,' who was afraid he would lose the
+pony, if he staid any longer, 'Mr. Slick,' sais he, 'the
+least said, is the soonest mended, let's be a movin',
+this scene of noise and riot is shockin' to a religious
+man, ain't it?' and he let go a groan, as long as the
+embargo a'most.
+
+"Well, we had no sooner turned to go, than the French
+people sot up a cheer that made all ring again; and they
+sung out, "La Fossy Your," "La Fossy Your," and shouted
+it agin and agin ever so loud.
+
+"'What's that?' sais Steve.
+
+"Well, I didn't know, for I never heerd the word afore;
+but it don't do to say you don't know, it lowers you in
+the eyes of other folks. If you don't know What another
+man knows he is shocked at your ignorance. But if he
+don't know what you do, he can find an excuse in a minute.
+Never say you don't know.
+
+"'So,' sais I, 'they jabber so everlastin' fast, it ain't
+no easy matter to say what they mean; but it sounds like
+"good bye," you'd better turn round and make 'em a bow,
+for they are very polite people, is the French.'
+
+"So Steve turns and takes off his hat, and makes them a
+low bow, and they larfs wus than ever, and calls out
+again, "La Fossy Your," "La Fossy Your." He was kinder
+ryled, was the Elder. His honey had begun to farment,
+and smell vinegery. 'May be, next Christmas,' sais he,
+'you won't larf so loud, when you find the mare is dead.
+Goodish and the old mare are jist alike, they are all
+tongue them critters. I rather think it's me,' sais he,
+'has the right to larf, for I've got the best of this
+bargain, and no mistake. This is as smart a little hoss
+as ever I see. I know where I can put him off to great
+advantage. I shall make a good day's work of this. It is
+about as good a hoss trade as I ever made. The French
+don't know nothin' about hosses; they are a simple people,
+their priests keep 'em in ignorance on purpose, and they
+don't know nothin'.'
+
+"He cracked and bragged considerable, and as we progressed
+we came to Montagon Bridge. The moment pony sot foot on
+it, he stopped short, pricked up the latter eends of his
+ears, snorted, squeeled and refused to budge an inch.
+The Elder got mad. He first coaxed and patted, and soft
+sawdered him, and then whipt and spurred, and thrashed
+him like any thing. Pony got mad too, for hosses has
+tempers as well as Elders; so he turned to, and kicked
+right straight up on eend, like Old Scratch, and kept on
+without stoppin' till he sent the Elder right slap over
+his head slantendicularly, on the broad of his back into
+the river, and he floated down thro' the bridge and
+scrambled out at t'other side.
+
+"Creation! how he looked. He was so mad, he was ready to
+bile over; and as it was he smoked in the sun, like a
+tea-kettle. His clothes stuck close down to him, as a
+cat's fur does to her skin, when she's out in the rain,
+and every step he took his boots went squish, squash,
+like an old woman churnin' butter; and his wet trowsers
+chafed with a noise like a wet flappin' sail. He was a
+shew, and when he got up to his hoss, and held on to his
+mane, and first lifted up one leg and then the other to
+let the water run out of his boots. I couldn't hold in
+no longer, but laid back and larfed till I thought on my
+soul I'd fall off into the river too.
+
+"'Elder,' says I, 'I thought when a man jined your sect,
+'he could never "_fall off agin_," but I see you ain't
+no safer than other folks arter all.'
+
+"'Come,' says he, 'let me be, that's a good soul, it's
+bad enough, without being larfed at, that's a fact. I
+can't account for this caper, no how.'
+
+"'It's very strange too, ain't it! What on airth got into
+the hoss to make him act so ugly. Can you tell, Mr.
+Slick?'
+
+"'Why,' sais I, 'he don't know English yet, that's all.
+He waited for them beautiful French oaths that Goodish
+used. Stop the fust Frenchman you meet and give him a
+shillin' to teach you to swear, and he'll go like a lamb.'
+
+"I see'd what was the matter of the hoss by his action
+as soon as we started; but I warn't agoin' for to let on
+to him about it. I wanted to see the sport. Well, he
+took his hoss by the bridle and led him over the bridge,
+and he follered kindly, then he mounted, and no hoss
+could go better. Arter a little, we came to another bridge
+agin, and the same play was acted anew, same coaxin',
+same threatenin', and same thrashin'; at last pony put
+down his head, and began to shake his tail, a gettin'
+ready for another bout of kickin'; when Steve got off
+and led him, and did the same to every bridge we come
+to.
+
+"'It's no use,' sais I, 'you must larn them oaths, he's
+used to 'em and misses them shocking. A sailor, a hoss,
+and a nigger ain't no good without you swear at 'em; it
+comes kinder nateral to them, and they look for it, fact
+I assure you. Whips wear out, and so do spurs, but a good
+sneezer of a cuss hain't no wear out to it; it's always
+the same.'
+
+"'I'll larn him sunthin', sais he, 'when I get him to
+home, and out o' sight that will do him good, and that
+he won't forget for one while, I know.'
+
+"Soon arter this we came to Everett's public-house on
+the bay, and I galloped up to the door, and went as close
+as I cleverly could on purpose, and then reined up short
+and sudden, when whap goes the pony right agin the side
+of the house, and nearly killed himself. He never stirred
+for the matter of two or three minutes. I actilly did
+think he had gone for it, and Steve went right thro' the
+winder on to the floor, with a holler noise, like a log
+o' wood thrown on to the deck of a vessel. 'Eugh!' says
+he, and he cut himself with the broken glass quite
+ridikilous.
+
+"'Why,' sais Everett, 'as I am a livin' sinner this is
+"the Grave-digger," he'll kill you, man, as sure as you
+are born, he is the wickedest hoss that ever was seen in
+these clearins here; and he is as blind as a bat too. No
+man in Nova Scotia can manage that hoss but Goodish
+Greevoy, and he'd manage the devil that feller, for he
+is man, horse, shark, and sarpent all in one, that
+Frenchman. What possessed you to buy such a varmint as
+that?'
+
+"'Grave digger!' said doleful Steve, 'what is that?'
+
+"'Why,' sais he, 'they went one day to bury a man, down
+to Clare did the French, and when they got to the grave,
+who should be in it but the pony. He couldn't see, and
+as he was a feedin' about, he tumbled in head over heels
+and they called him always arterwards 'the Grave-digger.'"
+
+"'Very simple people them French,' sais I, 'Elder; they
+don't know nothin' about hosses, do they? Their priests
+keep them in ignorance on purpose.'
+
+"Steve winced and squinched his face properly; and said
+the glass in his hands hurt him. Well, arter we sot all
+to rights, we began to jog on towards Digby. The Elder
+didn't say much, he was as chop fallen as a wounded moose;
+at last, says he, 'I'll ship him to St. John, and sell
+him. I'll put him on board of Captain Ned Leonard's
+vessel, as soon as I get to Digby.' Well, as I turned my
+head to answer him, and sot eyes on him agin, it most
+sot me a haw, hawin' a second time, he _did_ look so like
+Old Scratch. Oh Hedges! how haggardised he was! His new
+hat was smashed down like a cap on the crown of his head,
+his white cravat was bloody, his face all scratched, as
+if he had been clapper-clawed by a woman, and his hands
+was bound up with rags, where the glass cut 'em. The
+white sand of the floor of Everett's parlour had stuck
+to his damp clothes, and he looked like an old half corned
+miller, that was a returnin' to his wife, arter a spree.
+A leetle crest fallen for what he had got, a leetle mean
+for the way he looked, and a leetle skeered for what he'd
+catch, when he got to home. The way he sloped warn't no
+matter. He was a pictur, and a pictur I must say, I liked
+to look at.
+
+"And now Squire, do you take him off too, ingrave him,
+and bind him up in your book, and let others look at it,
+and put onder it '_the Elder and the Grave-digger_.'"
+
+"Well, when we got to town, the tide was high, and the
+vessel jist ready to cast off, and Steve, knowin' how
+skeer'd pony was of the water, got off to lead him, but
+the critter guessed it warn't a bridge, for he smelt salt
+water on both sides of him, and ahead too, and budge he
+wouldn't. Well, they beat him most to death, but he beat
+back agin with his heels, and it was a drawd fight. Then
+they goes to the fence and gets a great strong pole, and
+puts it across his hams, two men at each eend of the
+pole, and shoved away, and shoved away, till they progressed
+a yard or so; when pony squatted right down on the pole,
+throwd over the men, and most broke their legs, with his
+weight.
+
+"At last, the captain fetched a rope, and fixes it round
+his neck, with a slip knot, fastens it to the windlass,
+and dragged him in as they do an anchor, and tied him by
+his bridle to the boom; and then shoved off, and got
+under weigh.
+
+"Steve and I sot down on the wharf, for it was a beautiful
+day, and looked at them driftin' out in the stream, and
+hystin' sail, while the folks was gettin' somethin' ready
+for us to the inn.
+
+"When they had got out into the middle of the channel,
+took the breeze, and was all under way, and we was about
+turnin' to go back, I saw the pony loose, he had slipped
+his bridle, and not likin' the motion of the vessel, he
+jist walked overboard, head fust, with a most a beautiful
+splunge.
+
+"'_A most refreshin' time_,' said I, 'Elder, that critter
+has of it. I hope _that sinner will be saved_.'
+
+"He sprung right up on eend, as if he had been stung by
+a galley nipper, did Steve, 'Let me alone,' said he.
+'What have I done to be jobed, that way? Didn't I keep
+within the strict line o' truth? Did I tell that Frenchman
+one mossel of a lie? Answer me, that, will you? I've been
+cheated awful; but I scorn to take the advantage of any
+man. You had better look to your own dealin's, and let
+me alone, you pedlin', cheatin' Yankee clockmaker you.'
+
+"'Elder,' sais I, 'if you warn't too mean to rile a man,
+I'd give you a kick on your pillion, that would send you
+a divin' arter your hoss; but you ain't worth it. Don't
+call me names tho', or I'll settle your coffee for you,
+without a fish skin, afore you are ready to swaller it
+I can _tell_ you. So keep your mouth shut, my old coon,
+or your teeth might get sun-burnt. You think you are
+angry with me; but you aint; you are angry with yourself.
+You know you have showd yourself a proper fool for to
+come, for to go, for to talk to a man that has seed so
+much of the world as I have, bout "_refreshin' time_,"
+and "_outpourin' of spirit_," and "_makin' profession_"
+and what not; and you know you showd yourself an everlastin'
+rogue, a meditatin' of cheatin' that Frenchman all summer.
+It's biter bit, and I don't pity you one mossel; it sarves
+you right. But look at the grave-digger; he looks to me
+as if he was a diggin' of his own grave in rael right
+down airnest.'
+
+"The captain havin' his boat histed, and thinkin' the
+hoss would swim ashore of hisself, kept right straight
+on; and the hoss swam this way, and that way, and every
+way but the right road, jist as the eddies took him. At
+last, he got into the ripps off of Johnston's pint, and
+they wheeled him right round and round like a whip-top.
+Poor pony! he got his match at last. He struggled, and
+jumpt, and plunged and fort, like a man, for dear life.
+Fust went up his knowin' little head, that had no ears;
+and he tried to jump up and rear out of it, as he used
+to did out of a mire hole or honey pot ashore; but there
+was no bottom there; nothin' for his hind foot to spring
+from; so down he went agin ever so deep: and then he
+tried t'other eend, and up went his broad rump, that had
+no tail; but there was nothin' for the fore feet to rest
+on nother; so he made a summerset, and as he went over,
+he gave out a great long end wise kick to the full stretch
+of his hind legs.
+
+"Poor feller! it was the last kick he ever gave in this
+world; he sent his heels straight up on eend, like a pair
+of kitchen tongs, and the last I see of him was a bright
+dazzle, as the sun shined on his iron shoes, afore the
+water closed over him for ever.
+
+"I railly felt sorry for the poor old 'grave-digger,' I
+did upon my soul, for hosses and ladies are two things,
+that a body can't help likin'. Indeed, a feller that
+hante no taste that way ain't a man at all, in my opinion.
+Yes, I felt ugly for poor 'grave-digger,' though I didn't
+feel one single bit so for that cantin' cheatin', old
+Elder. So when I turns to go, sais I, 'Elder,' sais I,
+and I jist repeated his own words--'I guess it's your
+turn to laugh now, for you have got the best of the
+bargain, and no mistake. Goodish and the old mare are
+jist alike, all tongue, ain't they? But these French is
+a simple people, so they be; they don't know nothin',
+that's a fact. Their priests keep 'em in ignorance a
+puppus.
+
+"The next time you tell your experience to the great
+Christian meetin' to Goose Creek, jist up and tell 'em,
+from beginnin' to eend, the story of the--'_Elder and
+the Grave-digger_.'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+LOOKING BACK.
+
+In the course of the evening, Mr. Hopewell adverted to
+his return as a matter of professional duty, and spoke
+of it in such a feeling and earnest manner, as to leave
+no doubt upon my mind, that we should not be able to
+detain him long in this country, unless his attention
+should be kept fully occupied by a constant change of
+scene.
+
+Mr. Slick expressed to me the same fear, and, knowing
+that I had been talking of going to Scotland, entreated
+me not to be long absent, for he felt convinced that as
+soon as he should be left alone, his thoughts and wishes
+would at once revert to America.
+
+"I will try to keep him up," said he, "as well as I can,
+but I can't do it alone. If you do go, don't leave us
+long. Whenever I find him dull, and can't cheer him up
+no how I can fix it, by talk, or fun, or sight seein' or
+nothin', I make him vexed, and that excites him, stirs
+him up with a pot stick, and is of great sarvice to him.
+I don't mean actilly makin' him wrathy in airnest, but
+jist rilin of him for his own good, by pokin' a mistake
+at him. I'll shew you, presently, how I do it."
+
+As soon as Mr. Hopewell rejoined us, he began to inquire
+into the probable duration of our visit to this country,
+and expressed a wish to return, as soon as possible, to
+Slickville.
+
+"Come, Minister," said Mr. Slick, tapping him on the
+shoulder, "as father used to say, we must 'right about
+face' now. When we are at home let us think of home, when
+we are here, let us think of this place. Let us look
+a-head, don't let's look back, for we can't see nothin'
+there."
+
+"Indeed, Sam," said he, with a sad and melancholy air,
+"it would be better for us all if we looked back oftener
+than we do. From the errors of the past, we might rectify
+our course for the future. Prospective sin is often
+clothed in very alluring garments; past sin appears in
+all its naked deformity. Looking back, therefore--"
+
+"Is very well," said Mr. Slick, "in the way of preachin';
+but lookin' back when you can't see nothin', as you are
+now, is only a hurtin' of your eyes. I never hear that
+word, 'lookin' back,' that I don't think of that funny
+story of Lot's wife."
+
+"Funny story of Lot's wife, Sir! Do you call that a
+funny story, Sir?"
+
+"I do, Sir."
+
+"You do, Sir?"
+
+"Yes, I do, Sir; and I defy you or any other man to say
+it ain't a funny story."
+
+"Oh dear, dear," said Mr. Hopewell, "that I should have
+lived to see the day when you, my son, would dare to
+speak of a Divine judgment as a funny story, and that
+you should presume so to address me."
+
+"A judgment, Sir?"
+
+"Yes, a judgment, Sir."
+
+"Do you call the story of Lot's wife a judgment?"
+
+"Yes, I do call the story of Lot's wife a judgment; a
+monument of the Divine wrath for the sin of disobedience."
+
+"What! Mrs. Happy Lot? Do you call her a monument of
+wrath? Well, well, if that don't beat all, Minister. If
+you had a been a-tyin' of the night-cap last night I
+shouldn't a wondered at your talkin' at that pace. But
+to call that dear little woman, Mrs. Happy Lot, that
+dancin', laughin' tormentin', little critter, a monument
+of wrath, beats all to immortal smash."
+
+"Why who are you a-talkin' of, Sam?"
+
+"Why, Mrs. Happy Lot, the wife of the Honourable Cranbery
+Lot, of Umbagog, to be sure. Who did you think I was
+a-talkin' of?"
+
+"Well, I thought you was a-talkin' of--of--ahem--of
+subjects too serious to be talked of in that manner; but
+I did you wrong, Sam; I did you injustice. Give me your
+hand, my boy. It's better for me to mistake and apologize,
+than for you to sin and repent. I don't think I ever
+heard of Mr. Lot, of Umbagog, or of his wife either. Sit
+down here, and tell me the story, for 'with thee conversing,
+I forget all time.'"
+
+"Well, Minister," said Mr. Slick, "I'll tell you the ins
+and outs of it; and a droll story it is too. Miss Lot
+was the darter of Enoch Mosher, the rich miser of Goshen;
+as beautiful a little critter too, as ever slept in
+shoe-leather. She looked for all the world like one of
+the Paris fashion prints, for she was a parfect pictur',
+that's a fact. Her complexion was made of white and red
+roses, mixed so beautiful, you couldn't tell where the
+white eended, or the red begun, natur' had used the
+blendin' brush so delicate. Her eyes were screw augurs,
+I tell _you_; they bored right into your heart, and kinder
+agitated you, and made your breath come and go, and your
+pulse flutter. I never felt nothin' like 'em. When lit
+up, they sparkled like lamp reflectors; and at other
+tunes, they was as soft, and mild, and clear as dew-drops
+that hang on the bushes at sun-rise. When she loved,
+she loved; and when she hated, she hated about the
+wickedest you ever see. Her lips were like heart cherries
+of the carnation kind; so plump, and fall, and hard, you
+felt as if you could fall to and eat 'em right up. Her
+voice was like a grand piany, all sorts o' power in it;
+canary-birds' notes at one eend, and thunder at t'other,
+accordin' to the humour she was in, for she was a'most
+a grand bit of stuff was Happy, she'd put an edge on a
+knife a'most. She was a rael steel. Her figur' was as
+light as a fairy's, and her waist was so taper and tiny,
+it seemed jist made for puttin' an arm round in walkin'.
+She was as ac_tive_ and springy on her feet as a catamount,
+and near about as touch me-not a sort of customer too.
+She actilly did seem as if she was made out of steel
+springs and chicken-hawk. If old Cran, was to slip off
+the handle, I think I should make up to her, for she is
+'a salt,' that's a fact, a most a heavenly splice.
+
+"Well, the Honourable Cranbery Lot put in for her, won
+her, and married her. A good speculation it turned out
+too, for he got the matter of one hundred thousand of
+dollars by her, if he got a cent. As soon as they were
+fairly welded, off they sot to take the tour of Europe,
+and they larfed and cried, and kissed and quarrelled,
+and fit and made up all over the Continent, for her temper
+was as onsartain as the climate here--rain one minit
+and sun the next; but more rain nor sun.
+
+"He was a fool, was Cranbery. He didn't know how to manage
+her. His bridle hand warn't good, I tell you. A spry,
+mettlesome hoss, and a dull critter with no action, don't
+mate well in harness, that's a fact.
+
+"After goin' every where, and every where else amost,
+where should they get to but the Alps. One arternoon, a
+sincerely cold one it was too, and the weather, violent
+slippy, dark overtook them before they reached the top
+of one of the highest and steepest of them mountains,
+and they had to spend the night at a poor squatter's
+shanty.
+
+"Well, next mornin', jist at day-break, and sun-rise on
+them everlastin' hills is tall sun-rise, and no mistake,
+p'rhaps nothin was ever seen so fine except the first
+one, since creation. It takes the rag off quite. Well,
+she was an enterprisin' little toad, was Miss Lot too,
+afeered of nothin' a'most; so nothin' would sarve her
+but she must out and have a scramb up to the tip-topest
+part of the peak afore breakfast.
+
+"Well, the squatter there, who was a kind o' guide, did
+what he could to dispersuade her, but all to no purpose;
+go she would, and a headstrong woman and a runaway hoss
+are jist two things it's out of all reason to try to
+stop; The only way is to urge 'em on, and then, bein'
+contr_ary_ by natur', they stop of themselves.
+
+"'Well,' sais the guide, 'if you will go, marm, do take
+this pike staff, marm,' sais he; (a sort of walkin'-stick
+with a spike to the eend of it), 'for you can't get either
+up or down them slopes without it, it is so almighty
+slippy there.' So she took the staff, and off she sot
+and climbed and climbed ever so far, till she didn't look
+no bigger than a snowbird.
+
+"At last she came to a small flat place, like a table,
+and then she turned round to rest, get breath, and take
+a look at the glorious view; and jist as she hove-to, up
+went her little heels, and away went her stick, right
+over a big parpendicular cliff, hundreds and hundreds,
+and thousands of feet deep. So deep, you couldn't see
+the bottom for the shadows, for the very snow looked
+black down there. There is no way in, it is so steep,
+but over the cliff; and no way out, but one, and that
+leads to t'other world. I can't describe it to you,
+though. I have see'd it since myself. There are some
+things too big to lift; some, too big to carry after they
+be lifted; and some too grand for the tongue to describe
+too. There's a notch where dictionary can't go no farther,
+as well as every other created thing, that's a fact.
+P'rhaps if I was to say it looked like the mould that
+that 'are very peak was cast in, afore it was cold and
+stiff, and sot up on eend, I should come as near the mark
+as any thing I know on.
+
+"Well away she slid, feet and hands out, all flat on her
+face, right away, arter her pike staff. Most people would
+have ginn it up as gone goose, and others been so frightened
+as not to do any thing at all; or at most only jist to
+think of a prayer, for there was no time to say one.
+
+"But not so Lot's 'wife. She was of a conquerin' natur'.
+She never gave nothin' up, till she couldn't hold on no
+longer. She was one o' them critters that go to bed
+mistress, and rise master; and just as she got to the
+edge of the precipice, her head hangin' over, and her
+eyes lookin' down, and she all but ready to shoot out
+and launch away into bottomless space, the ten commandments
+brought her right short up. Oh, she sais, the sudden joy
+of that sudden stop swelled her heart so big, she thought
+it would have bust like a byler; and, as it was, the
+great endurin' long breath she drew, arter such an alfired
+escape, almost killed her at the ebb, it hurt her so."
+
+"But," said Mr. Hopewell, "how did the ten commandments
+save her? Do you mean that figuratively, or literally.
+Was it her reliance on providence, arising from a conscious
+observance of the decalogue all her life, or was it a
+book containing them, that caught against some thing,
+and stopt her descent. It is very interesting. Many a
+person, Sam, has been saved when at the brink of
+destruction, by laying fast hold on the bible. Who can
+doubt, that the commandments had a Divine origin? Short,
+simple and yet comprehensive; the first four point to
+our duty to our Maker, the last six, towards our social
+duties. In this respect there is a great similarity of
+structure, to that excellent prayer given us--"
+
+"Oh, Minister," said Mr. Slick, "I beg your pardon, I
+do, indeed, I don't mean that at all; and I do declare
+and vow now, I wasn't a playin' possum with you, nother.
+I won't do it no more, I won't, indeed."
+
+"Well, what did you mean then?"
+
+"Why I meant her ten fingers, to be sure. When a woman
+clapper claws her husband, we have a cant tarm with us
+boys of Slickville, savin' she gave him her ten
+commandments."
+
+"And a very improper expression too, Sir," said Mr.
+Hopewell; "a very irreverent, indecent, and I may say
+profane expression; I am quite shocked. But as you say
+you didn't mean it, are sorry for it, and will not repeat
+it again, I accept your apology, and rely on your promise.
+Go on, Sir."
+
+"Well, as I was a savin', the moment she found herself
+a coasting of it that way, flounder fashion, she hung on
+by her ten com--I mean her ten fingers, and her ten toes,
+like grim death to a dead nigger, and it brought her up
+jist in time. But how to get back was the question? To
+let go the hold of any one hand was sartain death, and
+there was nobody to help her, and yet to hold on long
+that way, she couldn't, no how she could fix it.
+
+"So what does she do, (for nothin' equals a woman for
+contrivances), but move one finger at a time, and then
+one toe at a time, till she gets a new hold, and then
+crawls backward, like a span-worm, an inch at a hitch.
+Well, she works her passage this way, wrong eend foremost,
+by backin' of her paddles for the matter of half an hour
+or so, till she gets to where it was roughish, and
+somethin' like standin' ground, when who should come by
+but a tall handsome man, with a sort of a half coat, half
+cloak-like coverin' on, fastened round the waist with a
+belt, and havin' a hood up, to ambush the head.
+
+"The moment she clapt eyes on him, she called to him for
+help. 'Oh,' sais she, 'for heaven's sake, good man, help
+me up! Jist take hold of my leg and draw me back, will
+you, that's a good soul?' And then she held up fust one
+leg for him, and then the other, most beseechin', but
+nothin' would move him. He jist stopt, looked back for
+a moment and then progressed agin.
+
+"Well, it ryled her considerable. Her eyes actilly snapped
+with fire, like a hemlock log at Christmas: (for nothin'
+makes a woman so mad as a parsonal slight, and them little
+ankles of hern were enough to move the heart of a stone,
+and make it jump out o' the ground, that's a fact, they
+were such fine-spun glass ones), it made her so mad, it
+gave her fresh strength; and makin' two or three onnateral
+efforts, she got clear back to the path, and sprung right
+up on eend, as wicked as a she-bear with a sore head.
+But when she got upright agin, she then see'd what a
+beautiful frizzle of a fix she was in. She couldn't hope
+to climb far; and, indeed, she didn't ambition to; she'd
+had enough of that, for one spell. But climbin' up was
+nothin', compared to goin' down hill without her staff;
+so what to do, she didn't know.
+
+"At last, a thought struck her. She intarmined to make
+that man help her, in spite of him. So she sprung forward
+for a space, like a painter, for life or death, and caught
+right hold of his cloak. 'Help--help me!' said she, 'or
+I shall go for it, that's sartain. Here's my puss, my
+rings, my watch, and all I have got; but oh, help me!
+for the love of God, help me, or my flint is fixed for
+good and all.'
+
+"With that, the man turned round, and took one glance at
+her, as if he kinder relented, and then, all at once,
+wheeled back again, as amazed as if he was jist born,
+gave an awful yell, and started off as fast as he could
+clip, though that warn't very tall runnin' nother,
+considerin' the ground. But she warn't to be shook off
+that way. She held fast to his cloak, like a burr to a
+sheep's tail, and raced arter him, screamin' and screechin'
+like mad; and the more she cried, the louder he yelled,
+till the mountains all echoed it and re-echoed it, so
+that you would have thought a thousand devils had broke
+loose, a'most.
+
+"Such a gettin' up stairs you never did see.
+
+"Well, they kept up this tantrum for the space of two or
+three hundred yards, when they came to a small, low,
+dismal-lookin' house, when the man gave the door a kick,
+that sent the latch a flyin' off to the t'other eend of
+the room, and fell right in on the floor, on his face,
+as flat as a flounder, a groanin' and a moanin' like any
+thing, and lookin' as mean as a critter that was sent
+for, and couldn't come, and as obstinate as a pine stump.
+
+"'What ails you?' sais she, 'to act like Old Scratch that
+way? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, to behave so
+to a woman. What on airth is there about me to frighten
+you so, you great onmannerly, onmarciful, coward, you.
+Come, scratch up, this minute.'
+
+"Well, the more she talked, the more he groaned; but the
+devil a word, good or bad, could she get out of him at
+all. With that, she stoops down, and catches up his
+staff, and says she, 'I have as great a mind to give you
+a jab with this here toothpick, where your mother used
+to spank you, as ever I had in all my life. But if you
+want it, my old 'coon, you must come and get it; for if
+you won't help me, I shall help myself.'
+
+"Jist at that moment, her eyes being better accustomed
+to the dim light of the place, she see'd a man, a sittin'
+at the fur eend of the room, with his back to the wall,
+larfin' ready to kill himself. He grinned so, he showed
+his corn-crackers from ear to ear. She said, he stript
+his teeth like a catamount, he look'd so all mouth.
+
+"Well, that encouraged her, for there ain't much harm in
+a larfin' man; it's only them that never larf that's
+fearfulsome. So sais she 'My good man, will you he so
+kind as to lend me your arm down this awful peak, and I
+will reward you handsomely, you may depend.'
+
+"Well, he made no answer, nother; and thinkin' he didn't
+onderstand English, she tried him in Italian, and then
+in broken French, and then bungled out a little German;
+but no, still no answer. He took no more notice of her
+and her mister, and senior, and mountsheer, and mynheer,
+than if he never heerd them titles, but jist larfed on.
+
+"She stopped a minit, and looked at him full in the face,
+to see what he meant by all this ongenteel behaviour,
+when all of a sudden, jist as she moved one step nearer
+to him, she saw he was a dead man, and had been so long
+there, part of the flesh had dropt off or dried off his
+face; and it was that that made him grin that way, like
+a fox-trap. It was the bone-house they was in. The place
+where poor, benighted, snow-squalled stragglers, that
+perish on the mountains, are located, for their friends
+to come and get them, if they want 'em; and if there
+ain't any body that knows 'em or cares for 'em, why they
+are left there for ever, to dry into nothin' but parchment
+and atomy, as it's no joke diggin' a grave in that frozen
+region.
+
+"As soon as she see'd this, she never said another blessed
+word, but jist walked off with the livin' man's pike,
+and began to poke her way down the mountain as careful
+as she cleverly could, dreadful tired, and awful frighted.
+
+"Well, she hadn't gone far, afore she heard her name
+echoed all round her--Happy! Happy! Happy! It seemed from
+the echoes agin, as if there was a hundred people a
+yelling it put all at once.
+
+"Oh, very happy,' said she, 'very happy, indeed; guess
+you'd find it so if you was here. I know I should feel
+very happy if I was out of it, that's all; for I believe,
+on my soul, this is harnted ground, and the people in it
+are possessed. Oh, if I was only to home, to dear Umbagog
+agin, no soul should ever ketch me in this outlandish
+place any more, _I_ know.'
+
+"Well, the sound increased and increased so, like young
+thunder she was e'en a'most skeared to death, and in a
+twitteration all over; and her knees began to shake so,
+she expected to go for it every minute; when a sudden
+turn of the path show'd her her husband and the poor
+squatter a sarchin' for her.
+
+"She was so overcome with fright and joy, she could hardly
+speak--and it warn't a trifle that would toggle her
+tongue, that's a fact. It was some time after she arrived
+at the house afore she could up and tell the story
+onderstandable; and when she did, she had to tell it
+twice over, first in short hand, and then in long metre,
+afore she could make out the whole bill o' parcels.
+Indeed, she hante done tellin' it yet, and wherever she
+is, she works round, and works round, till she gets Europe
+spoke of, and then she begins, 'That reminds me of a most
+remarkable fact. Jist after I was married to Mr. Lot, we
+was to the Alps.'
+
+"If ever you see her, and she begins that way, up hat
+and cut stick, double quick, or you'll find the road over
+the Alps to Umbagog, a little the longest you've ever
+travelled, I know.
+
+"Well, she had no sooner done than Cranbery jumps up on
+eend, and sais he to the guide, 'Uncle,' sais he, 'jist
+come along with me, that's a good feller, will you? We
+must return that good Samaritan's' cane to him; and as
+he must be considerable cold there, I'll jist warm his
+hide a bit for him, to make his blood sarculate. If he
+thinks I'll put that treatment to my wife, Miss Lot, into
+my pocket, and walk off with it, he's mistaken in the
+child, that's all, Sir. He may be stubbeder than I be,
+Uncle, that's a fact; but if he was twice as stubbed,
+I'd walk into him like a thousand of bricks. I'll give
+him a taste of my breed. Insultin' a lady is a weed we
+don't suffer to grow in our fields to Umbagog. Let him
+be who the devil he will, log-leg or leather-breeches
+--green-shirt or blanket-coat--land-trotter or river-roller,
+I'll let him know there is a warrant out arter him, I know."
+
+"'Why,' sais the guide, 'he couldn't help himself, no
+how he could work it. He is a friar, or a monk, or a
+hermit, or a pilgrim, or somethin' or another of that
+kind, for there is no eend to them, they are so many
+different sorts; but the breed he is of, have a vow never
+to look at a woman, or talk to a woman, or touch a woman,
+and if they do, there is a penance, as long as into the
+middle of next week.'
+
+"'Not look at a woman?' sais Cran, 'why, what sort of a
+guess world would this be without petticoats?--what a
+superfine superior tarnation fool he must be, to jine
+such a tee-total society as that. Mint julip I could give
+up, I _do_ suppose, though I had a plaguy sight sooner
+not do it, that's a fact: but as for womankind, why the
+angeliferous little torments, there is no livin' without
+_them_. What do you think, stranger?'
+
+"'Sartainly,' said Squatter; 'but seein' that the man
+had a vow, why it warn't his fault, for he couldn't do
+nothin' else. Where _he_ did wrong, was _to look back_;
+if he hadn't a _looked back_, he wouldn't have sinned.'
+
+"'Well, well,' sais Cran, 'if that's the case, it is a
+hoss of another colour, that. I won't look back nother,
+then. Let him he. But he is erroneous considerable.'
+
+"So you see, Minister," said Mr. Slick, "where there is
+nothin' to be gained, and harm done, by this retrospection,
+as you call it, why I think lookin' a-head is far better
+than--_lookin' back_."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+CROSSING THE BORDER.
+
+The time had now arrived when it was necessary for me to
+go to Scotland, for a few days. I had two very powerful
+reasons for this excursion:--first, because an old and
+valued friend of mine was there, whom I had not met for
+many years, and whom I could not think of leaving this
+country without seeing again; and secondly, because I
+was desirous of visiting the residence of my forefathers
+on the Tweed, which, although it had passed out of their
+possession many years ago, was still endeared to me as
+their home, as the scene of the family traditions; and
+above all, as their burial place.
+
+The grave is the first stage on the journey, from this
+to the other world. We are permitted to escort our
+friends so far, and no further; it is there we part for
+ever. It is there the human form is deposited, when
+mortality is changed for immortality. This burial place
+contains no one that I have ever seen or known; but it
+contains the remains of those from whom I derived my
+lineage and my name. I therefore naturally desired to
+see it.
+
+Having communicated my intention to my two American
+companions, I was very much struck with the different
+manner in which they received the announcement.
+
+"Come back soon, Squire," said Mr. Slick; "go and see
+your old friend, if you must, and go to the old campin'
+grounds of your folks; though the wigwam I expect has
+gone long ago, but don't look at anythin' else. I want
+we should visit the country together. I have an idea from
+what little I have seed of it, Scotland is over-rated.
+I guess there is a good deal of romance about their old
+times; and that, if we knowed all, their old lairds warn't
+much better, or much richer than our Ingian chiefs; much
+of a muchness. Kinder sorter so, and kinder sorter not
+so, no great odds. Both hardy, both fierce; both as poor
+as Job's Turkey, and both tarnation proud, at least,
+that's my idea to a notch.
+
+"I have often axed myself what sort of a gall that
+splenderiferous, 'Lady of the Lake' of Scott's was, and
+I kinder guess she was a red-headed Scotch heifer, with
+her hair filled with heather, and feather, and lint, with
+no shoes and stockings to her feet, and that
+
+   "Her lips apart
+    Like monument of Grecian art"
+
+meant that she stared with her eyes and mouth wide open,
+like other county galls that never see'd nothing before--a
+regilar screetch owl in petticoats. And I suspicion, that
+Mr. Rob Roy was a sort of thievin' devil of a white
+Mohawk, that found it easier to steal cattle, than raise
+them himself; and that Loch Katrin, that they make such
+a touss about, is jist about equal to a good sizeable
+duck-pond in our country; at least, that's my idea. For
+I tell you it does not do to follow arter a poet, and
+take all he says for gospel.
+
+"Yes, let's go and see Sawney in his "Ould _Reeky_."
+Airth and seas! if I have any nose at all, there never
+was a place so well named as that. Phew! let me light a
+cigar to get rid of the fogo of it.
+
+"Then let's cross over and see "Pat at Home;" let's look
+into matters and things there, and see what "Big Dan" is
+about, with his "association" and "agitation" and "repail"
+and "tee-totals." Let's see whether it's John Bull or
+Patlander that's to blame, or both on 'em; six of one
+and half-a-dozen of tother. By Gosh! Minister would talk,
+more sense in one day to Ireland, than has been talked
+there since the rebellion; for common sense is a word
+that don't grow like Jacob's ladder, in them diggins, I
+guess. It's about, as stunted as Gineral Nichodemus Ott's
+corn was.
+
+"The Gineral was takin' a ride with a southerner one day
+over his farm to Bangor in Maine, to see his crops, fixin
+mill privileges and what not, and the southerner was a
+turning up his nose at every thing amost, proper scorney,
+and braggin' how things growed on his estate down south.
+At last the Gineral's ebenezer began to rise, and he got
+as mad as a hatter, and was intarmed to take a rise out
+of him.
+
+"'So,' says he, 'stranger,' says he, 'you talk about your
+Indgian corn, as if nobody else raised any but yourself.
+Now I'll bet you a thousand dollars, I have corn that's
+growd so wonderful, you can't reach the top of it a
+standin' on your horse.'
+
+"'Done,' sais Southener, and 'Done,' sais the General,
+and done it was.
+
+"'Now,' sais the Giniral, 'stand up on your saddle like
+a circus rider, for the field is round that corner of
+the wood there.' And the entire stranger stood up as
+stiff as a poker. 'Tall corn, I guess,' sais he, 'if I
+can't reach it, any how, for I can e'en a'most reach the
+top o' them trees. I think I feel them thousand dollars
+of yourn, a marchin' quick step into my pocket, four
+deep. Reach your corn, to be sure I will. Who the plague,
+ever see'd corn so tall, that a man couldn't reach it a
+horseback.'
+
+"'Try it,' sais the Gineral, as he led him into the field,
+where the corn was only a foot high, the land was so
+monstrous, mean and so beggarly poor.
+
+"'Reach it,' sais the Gineral.
+
+"'What a damned Yankee trick,' sais the Southener. 'What
+a take in this is, ain't it?' and he leapt, and hopt,
+and jumped like a snappin' turtle, he was so mad. Yes,
+common sense to Ireland, is like Indgian corn to Bangor,
+it ain't overly tall growin', that's a fact. We must see
+both these countries together. It is like the nigger's
+pig to the West Indies "little and dam old."
+
+"Oh, come back soon, Squire, I have a thousand things,
+I want to tell you, and I shall forget one half o' them,
+if you don't; and besides," said he in an onder tone,
+"_he_" (nodding his head towards Mr. Hopewell,) "will
+miss you shockingly. He frets horridly about his flock.
+He says, ''Mancipation and Temperance have superceded
+the Scriptures in the States. That formerly they preached
+religion there, but now they only preach about niggers
+and rum.' Good bye, Squire."
+
+"You do right, Squire," said Mr. Hopewell, "to go. That
+which has to be done, should be done soon, for we have
+not always the command of our time. See your friend, for
+the claims of friendship are sacred; and see your family
+tomb-stones also, for the sight of them, will awaken a
+train of reflections in a mind like yours, at once
+melancholy and elevating; but I will not deprive you of
+the pleasure you will derive from first impressions, by
+stripping them of their novelty. You will be pleased with
+the Scotch; they are a frugal, industrious, moral and
+intellectual people. I should like to see their agriculture,
+I am told it is by far the best in Europe.
+
+"But, Squire, I shall hope to see you soon, for I sometimes
+think duty calls me home again. Although my little flock
+has chosen other shepherds and quitted my fold, some of
+them may have seen their error, and wish to return. And
+ought I not to be there to receive them? It is true, I
+am no longer a labourer in the vineyard, but my heart is
+there. I should like to walk round and round the wall
+that encloses it, and climb up, and look into it, and
+talk to them that are at work there. I might give some
+advice that would be valuable to them. The blossoms
+require shelter, and the fruit requires heat, and the
+roots need covering in Winter. The vine too is luxuriant,
+and must be pruned, or it will produce nothing but wood.
+It demands constant care and constant labour; I had
+decorated the little place with flowers too, to make it
+attractive and pleasant.
+
+"But, ah me! dissent will pull all these up like weeds,
+and throw them out; and scepticism will raise nothing
+but gaudy annuals. The perennials will not flourish
+without cultivating and enriching the ground; _their
+roots are in the heart_. The religion of our Church,
+which is the same as this of England, is a religion which
+inculcates love: filial love towards God; paternal love
+to those committed to our care; brotherly love, to our
+neighbour, nay, something more than is known by that term
+in its common acceptation, for we are instructed to love
+our neighbour as ourselves.
+
+"We are directed to commence our prayer with "Our Father."
+How much of love, of tenderness, of forbearance, of
+kindness, of liberality, is embodied in that word--
+children: of the same father, members of the same great
+human family I Love is the bond of union--love dwelleth
+in the heart; and the heart must be cultivated, that the
+seeds of affection may germinate in it.
+
+"Dissent is cold and sour; it never appeals to the
+affections, but it scatters denunciations, and rules by
+terror. Scepticism is proud and self-sufficient. It
+refuses to believe in mysteries and deals in rhetoric
+and sophistry, and flatters the vanity, by exalting human
+reason. My poor lost flock will see the change, and I
+fear, feel it too. Besides, absence is a temporary death.
+Now I am gone from them, they will forget my frailties
+and infirmities, and dwell on what little good might have
+been in me, and, perhaps, yearn towards me.
+
+"If I was to return, perhaps I could make an impression
+on the minds of some, and recall two or three, if not
+more, to a sense of duty. What a great thing that would
+be, wouldn't it? And if I did, I would get our bishop to
+send me a pious, zealous, humble-minded, affectionate,
+able young man, as a successor; and I would leave my
+farm, and orchard, and little matters, as a glebe for
+the Church. And who knows but the Lord may yet rescue
+Slickville from the inroads of ignorant fanatics, political
+dissenters, and wicked infidels?
+
+"And besides, my good friend, I have much to say to you,
+relative to the present condition and future prospects
+of this great country. I have lived to see a few ambitious
+lawyers, restless demagogues, political preachers, and
+unemployed local officers of provincial regiments, agitate
+and sever thirteen colonies at one time from the government
+of England. I have witnessed the struggle. It was a
+fearful, a bloody and an unnatural one. My opinions,
+therefore, are strong in proportion as my experience is
+great. I have abstained on account of their appearing
+like preconceptions from saying much to you yet, for I
+want to see more of this country, and to be certain, that
+I am quite right before I speak.
+
+"When you return, I will give you my views on some of
+the great questions of the day. Don't adopt them, hear
+them and compare them with your own. I would have you
+think for yourself, for I am an old man now and sometimes
+I distrust my powers of mind.
+
+"The state of this country you, in your situation, ought
+to be thoroughly acquainted with. It is a very perilous
+one. Its prosperity, its integrity, nay its existence
+as a first-rate power, hangs by a thread, and that thread
+but little better and stronger than a cotton one. _Quem
+Deus vult perdere prius dementat_. I look in vain for
+that constitutional vigour, and intellectual power, which
+once ruled the destinies of this great nation.
+
+"There is an aberration of intellect, and a want of
+self-possession here that alarms me. I say, alarms me,
+for American as I am by birth, and republican as I am
+from the force of circumstances, I cannot but regard
+England with great interest, and with great affection.
+What a beautiful country! What a noble constitution! What
+a high minded, intelligent, and generous people! When
+the Whigs came into office, the Tories were not a party,
+they were the people of England. Where and what are they
+now? Will they ever have a lucid interval, or again
+recognise the sound of their own name? And yet, Sam,
+doubtful as the prospect of their recovery is, and fearful
+as the consequences of a continuance of their malady
+appear to be, one thing is most certain, _a Tory government
+is the proper government for a monarchy, a suitable one
+for any country, but it is the only one for England_. I
+do not mean an ultra one, for I am a moderate man, and
+all extremes are equally to be avoided. I mean a temperate,
+but firm one: steady to its friends, just to its enemies,
+and inflexible to all. "When compelled to yield, it should
+be by the force of reason, and never by the power of
+agitation. Its measures should be actuated by a sense
+of what is right, and not what is expedient, for to
+concede is to recede--to recede is to evince weakness
+--and to betray weakness is to invite attack.
+
+"I am a stranger here. I do not understand this new word,
+Conservatism. I comprehend the other two, Toryism and
+Liberalism. The one is a monarchical, and the other a
+republican word. The term, Conservatism, I suppose,
+designates a party formed out of the moderate men of both
+sides, or rather, composed of Low-toned Tories and High
+Whigs. I do not like to express a decided opinion yet,
+but my first impression is always adverse to mixtures,
+for a mixture renders impure the elements of which it is
+compounded. Every thing will depend on the preponderance
+of the wholesome over the deleterious ingredients. I will
+analyse it carefully. See how one neutralizes or improves
+the other, and what the effect of the compound is likely
+to be on the constitution. I will request our Ambassador,
+Everett, or Sam's friend, the Minister Extraordinary,
+Abednego Layman, to introduce me to Sir Robert Peel, and
+will endeavour to obtain all possible information from
+the best possible source.
+
+"On your return I will give you a candid and deliberate
+opinion."
+
+After a silence of some minutes, during which he walked
+up and down the room in a fit of abstraction, he suddenly
+paused, and said, as if thinking aloud--
+
+"Hem, hem--so you are going to cross the border, eh? That
+northern intellect is strong. Able men the Scotch, a
+little too radical in politics, and a little too liberal,
+as it is called, in a matter of much greater consequence;
+bat a superior people, on the whole. They will give you
+a warm reception, will the Scotch. Your name will insure
+that; and they are clannish; and another warm reception
+will, I assure you, await you here, when, returning, you
+again _Cross the Border_."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+THE IRISH PREFACE.
+
+Gentle reader,
+
+If an Irishman were asked what a preface was, he would,
+without hesitation reply, that it was the last chapter
+of a book, and we should unquestionably pronounce that
+answer to be a bull; for how can prefatory remarks be
+valedictory ones? A few moments' consideration, however,
+would induce us to withdraw such a hasty opinion, and
+convince us that his idea is, after all, a correct one.
+It is almost always the part that is last written, and
+_we_ perpetrate the bull, by placing it at the beginning
+instead of the end of the book, and denominating our
+parting words introductory remarks.
+
+The result of our arrangement is, that nobody reads it.
+The public do not want to hear an apology or explanation,
+until it first ascertains, whether the one can be accepted,
+or the other is required. This contemptuous neglect
+arises from two causes, first because it is out of place,
+and secondly because it too often contains a great deal
+of twaddle. Unfortunately, one half of what is said in
+this world is unmeaning compliment. A man who wishes to
+mark his respect for you, among other inconvenient methods
+of shewing it, offers to accompany you to the Hall. You
+are in consequence arrested in your progress. You are
+compelled to turn on your pursuer, and entreat him not
+to come to the door. After a good deal of lost time he
+is prevailed upon to return. This is not fair. Every man
+should be suffered to depart in peace.
+
+Now, it is my intention to adopt the Irish definition.
+The word preface is a misnomer. What I have to say I
+shall put into my last chapter, and assign to it its
+proper place. I shall also adopt another improvement, on
+the usual practice. I shall make it as short as possible,
+and speak to the point.
+
+My intention then, gentle reader, was when I commenced
+this work, to write but one volume, and at some future
+time to publish a second. The materials, however, were
+so abundant, that selection became very difficult, and
+compression much more so. To touch as many topics as I
+designed, I was compelled to extend it to its present
+size, and I still feel that the work is only half done.
+Whether I shall ever be able to supply this deficiency
+I cannot say. I do not doubt your kind reception; I have
+experienced too much indulgence and favour at your hands,
+to suppose that you will withdraw it from one whom you
+have honoured with repeated marks of approbation; but I
+entertain some fears that I shall not be able to obtain
+the time that is necessary for its completion, and that
+if I can command the leisure, my health will insist on
+a prior claim to its disposal.
+
+If, however, I shall be enabled so to do, it is my
+intention, hereafter to add another series of the Sayings
+and Doings of the Attache, so as to make the work as
+complete as possible.
+
+I am quite confident it is not necessary to add, that
+the sentiments uttered by Mr. Slick, are not designed
+either as an expression of those of the author, or of
+the Americans who visit this country. With respect to
+myself no disavowal is necessary; but I feel it due to
+my American friends, for whose kindness I can never be
+sufficiently grateful, and whose good opinion I value
+too highly to jeopardise it by any misapprehension, to
+state distinctly, that I have not the most remote idea
+of putting Mr. Slick forward, as a representative of any
+opinions, but his own individual ones. They are peculiar
+to himself. They naturally result from his
+shrewdness--knowledge of human nature--quickness of
+perception and appreciation of the ridiculous on the one
+hand; and on the other from his defective education,
+ignorance of the usages of society, and sudden elevation,
+from the lower walks of life, to a station for which he
+was wholly unqualified.
+
+I have endeavoured, as far as it was possible, in a work
+of this kind, to avoid all personal allusions to _private_
+persons, or in any way to refer to scenes that may he
+supposed to have such a hearing. Should any one imagine
+that he can trace any resemblance, to any private occurrence
+I can only assure him that such resemblance is quite
+accidental.
+
+On the other hand, I have lost no opportunity of inculcating
+what I conceive to be good sound constitutional doctrines.
+Loyal myself, a great admirer of the monarchical form of
+government; attached to British Institutions, and a
+devoted advocate for the permanent connexion between the
+parent State, and its transatlantic possessions, I have
+not hesitated to give utterance to these opinions. Born
+a Colonist, it is natural I should have the feelings of
+one, and if I have obtruded local matters on the notice
+of the reader oftener than may be thought necessary, it
+must be remembered that an inhabitant of those distant
+countries has seldom an opportunity of being heard. I
+should feel, therefore, if I were to pass over in silence
+our claims or our interests, I was affording the best
+justification for that neglect, which for the last half
+century, has cramped our energies, paralized our efforts,
+and discouraged and disheartened ourselves. England is
+liberal in concessions, and munificent in her pecuniary
+grants to us; but is so much engrossed with domestic
+politics, that she will bestow upon us neither time nor
+consideration.
+
+It has been my object, therefore, to convey to the public
+some important truths, under a humorous cover, which,
+without the amusement afforded by the wrapper would never
+be even looked at.
+
+This portion of the work requires no apology. To do as
+I have done, is a duty incumbent on any person who has
+the means of doing good, afforded him by such an extensive
+circulation of his works, as I have been honoured with.
+
+I have already expressed some doubts whether I shall be
+enabled to furnish a second series of this work or not.
+In this uncertainty, I will not omit this, perhaps my
+only opportunity, of making my most grateful
+acknowledgments, for the very great measure of indulgence
+I have received, from the public on both sides of the
+Atlantic, and of expressing a hope that Mr. Slick, who
+has been so popular as a Clockmaker may prove himself
+equally deserving of favour as "an Attache."
+
+I have the honour to subscribe myself,
+
+Your most obedient servant,
+
+THE AUTHOR.
+
+London, July 1st., 1843.
+
+
+
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Attache; or, Sam Slick in England
+by Thomas Chandler Haliburton
+
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