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diff --git a/7827-h/7827-h.htm b/7827-h/7827-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ccc64d1 --- /dev/null +++ b/7827-h/7827-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,22070 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> + <title> + Fan, by Henry Harford + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + .side { float: right; font-size: 75%; width: 25%; padding-left: 0.8em; + border-left: dashed thin; margin-left: 0.8em; text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; + font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Fan, by W.H. Hudson (AKA Henry Harford) + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Fan + +Author: W.H. Hudson (AKA Henry Harford) + + +Release Date: April, 2005 [EBook #7827] +This file was first posted on May 20, 2003 +Last Updated: March 15, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FAN *** + + + + +Text file produced by Eric Eldred, Charles Franks, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + +HTML file produced by David Widger + + + + +</pre> + + <div style="height: 8em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + FAN + </h1> + <h3> + THE STORY OF A YOUNG GIRL'S LIFE + </h3> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Henry Harford + </h2> + <h3> + (W.H. Hudson) + </h3> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + <b>CONTENTS</b> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> NOTE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XXV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XXVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XXVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER XXVIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER XXIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER XXX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0031"> CHAPTER XXXI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0032"> CHAPTER XXXII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0033"> CHAPTER XXXIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0034"> CHAPTER XXXIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0035"> CHAPTER XXXV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0036"> CHAPTER XXXVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0037"> CHAPTER XXXVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0038"> CHAPTER XXXVIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0039"> CHAPTER XXXIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0040"> CHAPTER XL </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0041"> CHAPTER XLI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0042"> CHAPTER XLII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0043"> CHAPTER XLIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0044"> CHAPTER XLIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0045"> CHAPTER XLV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0046"> CHAPTER XLVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0047"> CHAPTER XLVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0048"> CHAPTER XLVIII </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + NOTE + </h2> + <p> + The novel <i>Fan</i> was originally published in 1892, under the pseudonym + of “Henry Harford.” It now makes its appearance under the name of W.H. + Hudson for the first time. + </p> + <p> + This edition is limited to 498 copies of which 450 copies are for sale. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I + </h2> + <p> + A Misty evening in mid-October; a top room in one of the small dingy + houses on the north side of Moon Street, its floor partially covered with + pieces of drugget carpet trodden into rags; for furniture, an iron bed + placed against the wall, a deal cupboard or wardrobe, a broken iron cot in + a corner, a wooden box and three or four chairs, and a small square deal + table; on the table one candle in a tin candlestick gave light to the two + occupants of the room. One of these a woman sitting in a listless attitude + before the grate, fireless now, although the evening was damp and chilly. + She appeared strong, but just now was almost repulsive to look at as she + sat there in her dirty ill-fitting gown, with her feet thrust out before + her, showing her broken muddy boots. Her features were regular, even + handsome; that, however, was little in her favour when set against the + hard red colour of her skin, which told of habitual intemperance, and the + expression, half sullen and half reckless, of her dark eyes, as she sat + there staring into the empty grate. There were no white threads yet in her + thick long hair that had once been black and glossy, unkempt now, like + everything about her, with a dusky dead look in it. + </p> + <p> + On the cot in the corner rested or crouched a girl not yet fifteen years + old, the woman's only child: she was trying to keep herself warm there, + sitting close against the wall with her knees drawn up to enable her to + cover herself, head included, with a shawl and an old quilt. Both were + silent: at intervals the girl would start up out of her wrappings and + stare towards the door with a startled look on her face, apparently + listening. From the street sounded the shrill animal-like cries of + children playing and quarrelling, and, further away, the low, dull, + continuous roar of traffic in the Edgware Road. Then she would drop back + again, to crouch against the wall, drawing the quilt about her, and remain + motionless until a step on the stair or the banging of a door below would + startle her once more. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile her mother maintained her silence and passive attitude, only + stirring when the light grew very dim; then she would turn half round, + snuff the wick off with her fingers, and wipe them on her shabby dirty + dress. + </p> + <p> + At length the girl started up, throwing her quilt quite off, and remained + seated on the edge of her cot, the look of anxiety increasing every moment + on her thin pale face. In the matter of dress she seemed even worse off + than her mother, and wore an old tattered earth-coloured gown, which came + down to within three or four inches of her ankles, showing under it ragged + stockings and shoes trodden down at heel, so much too large for her feet + that they had evidently belonged to her mother. She looked tall for her + years, but this was owing to her extreme thinness. Her arms were like + sticks, and her sunken cheeks showed the bones of her face; but it was a + pathetic face, both on account of the want and anxiety so plainly written + on it and its promise of beauty. There was not a particle of colour in it, + even the thin lips were almost white, but the eyes were of the purest + grey, shaded by long dark lashes; while her hair, hanging uneven and + disordered to her shoulders, was of a pure golden brown. + </p> + <p> + “Mother, he's coming!” said the girl. + </p> + <p> + “Let him come!” returned the other, without looking up or stirring. + </p> + <p> + Slowly the approaching footsteps came nearer, stumbling up the dark, + narrow staircase; then the door was pushed open and a man entered—a + broad-chested, broad-faced rough-looking man with stubbly whiskers, + wearing the dress and rusty boots of a labourer. + </p> + <p> + He drew a chair to the table and sat down in silence. Presently he turned + to his wife. + </p> + <p> + “Well, what have you got to say?” he asked, in a somewhat unsteady voice. + </p> + <p> + “Nothing,” she returned. “What have you got?” + </p> + <p> + “I've got tired of walking about for a job, and I want something to eat + and drink, and that's what <i>I've</i> got.” + </p> + <p> + “Then you'd better go where you can get it,” said she. “You can't find + work, but you can find drink, and you ain't sober now.” + </p> + <p> + For only answer he began whistling and drumming noisily on the table. + Suddenly he paused and looked at her. + </p> + <p> + “Ain't you done that charing job, then?” he asked with a grin. + </p> + <p> + “Yes; and what's more, I got a florin and gave it to Mrs. Clark,” she + replied. + </p> + <p> + “You blarsted fool! what did you do that for?” + </p> + <p> + “Because I'm not going to have my few sticks taken for rent and be turned + into the street with my girl. That's what I did it for; and if you won't + work you'll starve, so don't you come to me for anything.” + </p> + <p> + Again he drummed noisily on the table, and hummed or tried to hum a tune. + Presently he spoke again: + </p> + <p> + “What's Fan been a-doing, then?” + </p> + <p> + “You know fast enough; tramping about the streets to sell a box of + matches. A nice thing!” + </p> + <p> + “How much did she get?” + </p> + <p> + To this question no answer was returned. + </p> + <p> + “What did she get, I arsk you?” he repeated, getting up and putting his + hand heavily on her shoulder. + </p> + <p> + “Enough for bread,” she replied, shaking his hand off. + </p> + <p> + “How much?” But as she refused to answer, he turned to the girl and + repeated in a threatening tone, “How much?” + </p> + <p> + She sat trembling, her eyes cast down, but silent. + </p> + <p> + “I'll learn you to answer when you're spoken to, you damn barstard!” he + said, approaching her with raised hand. + </p> + <p> + “Don't you hit her, you brute!” exclaimed his wife, springing in sudden + anger to her feet. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, father, don't hit me—oh, please don't—I'll tell—I'll + tell! I got eighteenpence,” cried the girl, shrinking back terrified. + </p> + <p> + He turned and went back to his seat, grinning at his success in getting at + the truth. Presently he asked his wife if she had spent eighteenpence in + bread. + </p> + <p> + “No, I didn't. I got a haddock for morning, and two ounces of tea, and a + loaf, and a bundle of wood,” she returned sullenly. + </p> + <p> + After an interval of a couple of minutes he got up, went to the cupboard, + and opened it. + </p> + <p> + “There's the haddy right enough,” he said. “No great things—cost you + thrippence, I s'pose. Tea tuppence-ha'penny, and that's + fivepence-ha'penny, and a ha'penny for wood, and tuppence-ha'penny for a + loaf makes eightpence-ha'penny. There's more'n ninepence over, Margy, and + all I want is a pint of beer and a screw. Threepence—come now.” + </p> + <p> + “I've nothing to give you,” she returned doggedly. + </p> + <p> + “Then what did you do with it? How much gin did you drink—eh?” + </p> + <p> + “As much as I could get,” she answered defiantly. + </p> + <p> + He looked at her, whistled and drummed, then got up and went out. + </p> + <p> + “Mother, he's gone,” whispered Fan. + </p> + <p> + “No such luck. He's only going to ask Mrs. Clark if I gave her the florin. + He won't be long you'll see.” + </p> + <p> + Very soon he did return and sat down again. “A pint and a screw, that's + all I want,” he said, as if speaking to himself, and there was no answer. + Then he got up, put his hand on her shoulder, and almost shook her out of + her chair. “Don't you hear?” he shouted. + </p> + <p> + “Let me alone, you drunken brute; I've got nothing, I tell you,” she + returned, and after watching his face a few moments settled down again. + </p> + <p> + “All right, old woman, I'll leave you,” he said, dropping his hands. But + suddenly changing his mind, he swung round and dealt her a heavy blow. + </p> + <p> + She sprang up with a scream of anger and pain, and taking no notice of + Fan's piteous cries and pleadings, rushed at him; they struggled together + for some moments, but the man was the strongest; very soon he flung her + violently from him, and reeling away to some distance, and unable to + recover her balance, she finally fell heavily on to the floor. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, mother, mother, he has killed you,” sobbed Fan, throwing herself down + beside the fallen woman and trying to raise her head. + </p> + <p> + “That I will, and you too,” remarked the man, going back to his seat. + </p> + <p> + The woman, recovering from the shock, struggled to her feet and sat down + again on her chair. She was silent, looking now neither angry nor + frightened, but seemed half-dazed, and bending forward a little she + covered her eyes with her hand. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, mother, poor mother—are you hurt?” whispered Fan, trying to + draw the hand away to look into the bowed face. + </p> + <p> + “You go back to your corner and leave your mother to me,” he said; and + Fan, after hesitating a few moments, rose and shrank away. + </p> + <p> + Presently he got up again, and seizing his wife by the wrist, dragged her + hand forcibly from her face. + </p> + <p> + “Where's the coppers, you blarsted drunkard?” he shouted in her ear. “D'ye + think to get off with the little crack on the crown I've giv' you? I'll do + for you to-night if you won't hand over.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, father, father!” cried the girl, starting up in an agony of terror. + “Oh, have mercy and don't hit her, and I'll go out and try to get + threepence. Oh, father, there's nothing in the house!” + </p> + <p> + “Then go, and don't be long about it,” he said, going back to his seat. + </p> + <p> + The mother roused herself at this. + </p> + <p> + “You sha'n't stir a step to-night, Fan,” she said, but in a voice not + altogether resolute. “What'll come to you, going into the streets at this + time of night?” + </p> + <p> + “Something grand, like what's come to her mother, perhaps,” said he with a + laugh. + </p> + <p> + “Not a step, Fan, if I die for it,” retorted the mother, stung by his + words. But the girl quickly and with trembling hands had already thrust on + her old shapeless hat, and wrapped her shawl about her; then she took a + couple of boxes of safety matches, old and greasy from long use, and moved + towards the door as her mother rose to prevent her from going out. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, mother, let me go,” she pleaded. “It's best for all of us. It'll kill + me to stay in. Let me go, mother; I sha'n't be long.” + </p> + <p> + Her mother still protested; but Fan, seeing her irresolution, slipped past + her and was out of the door in a moment. + </p> + <p> + Once out of the house she ran swiftly along the dark sloppy street until + she came to the wide thronged thoroughfare, bright with the flaring gas of + the shops; then, after a few moments' hesitation, walked rapidly + northwards. + </p> + <p> + Even in that squalid street where she lived, those who knew Fan from + living in the same house, or in one of those immediately adjoining it, + considered it a disgraceful thing for her parents to send her out begging; + for that was what they called it, although the begging was made lawful by + the match-selling pretext. To them it was a very flimsy one, since the + cost of a dozen such boxes at any oil-shop in the Edgware Road was + twopence-three-farthings—eleven farthings for twelve boxes of safety + matches! The London poor know how hard it is to live and pay their weekly + rent, and are accustomed to make every allowance for each other; and those + who sat in judgment on the Harrods—Fan's parents—were mostly + people who were glad to make a shilling by almost any means; glad also, + many of them, to get drunk occasionally when the state of the finances + allowed it; also they regarded it as the natural and right thing to do to + repair regularly every Monday morning to the pawnbroker's shop to pledge + the Sunday shoes and children's frocks, with perhaps a tool or two or a + pair of sheets and blankets not too dirty and ragged to tempt the cautious + gentleman with the big nose. + </p> + <p> + But they were not disreputable, they knew where to draw the line. Had Fan + been a coarse-fibred girl with a ready insolent tongue and fond of + horse-play, it would not have seemed so shocking; for such girls, and a + large majority of them are like that, seem fitted to fight their way in + the rough brutish world of the London streets; and if they fall and become + altogether bad, that only strikes one as the almost inevitable result of + girlhood passed in such conditions. That Fan was a shy, modest, pretty + girl, with a delicate type of face not often seen among those of her + class, made the case look all the worse for those who sent her out, + exposing her to almost certain ruin. + </p> + <p> + Poor unhappy Fan knew what they thought, and to avoid exciting remarks she + always skulked away, concealing her little stock-in-trade beneath her + dilapidated shawl, and only bringing it out when at a safe distance from + the outspoken criticisms of Moon Street. Sometimes in fine weather her + morning expeditions were as far as Netting Hill, and as she frequently + appeared at the same places at certain hours, a few individuals got to + know her; in some instances they had began by regarding the poor + dilapidated girl with a kind of resentment, a feeling which, after two or + three glances at her soft grey timid eyes, turned to pity; and from such + as these who were not political economists, when she was so lucky as to + meet them, she always got a penny, or a threepenny-bit, sometimes with + even a kind word added, which made the gift seem a great deal to her. From + others she received many a sharp rebuke for her illicit way of getting a + living; and these without a second look would pass on, little knowing how + keen a pang had been inflicted to make the poor shamefaced child's lot + still harder to bear. + </p> + <p> + She had never been out so late before, and hurrying along the wet + pavement, trembling lest she should run against some Moon Street + acquaintance, and stung with the thought of the miserable scene in store + for her should she be compelled to return empty-handed, she walked not + less than half a mile before pausing. Then she drew forth the concealed + matches and began the piteous pleading—“Will you please buy a box of + matches?” spoken in a low tremulous voice to each passer-by, unheeded by + those who were preoccupied with their own thoughts, by all others looked + scornfully at, until at last, tired and dispirited, she turned to retrace + the long hopeless road. And now the thoughts of home became at every yard + of the way more painful and even terrifying to her. What a misery to have + to face it—to have to think of it! But to run away and hide herself + from her parents, and escape for ever from her torturing apprehensions, + never entered her mind. She loved her poor drink-degraded mother; there + was no one else for her to love, and where her mother was there must be + her only home. But the thought of her father was like a nightmare to her; + even the remembrance of his often brutal treatment and language made her + tremble. Father she had always called him, but for some months past, since + he had been idle, or out of work as he called it, he had become more and + more harsh towards her, not often addressing her without calling her + “barstard,” usually with the addition of one of his pet expletives, + profane or sanguineous. She had always feared and shrunk from him, + regarding him as her enemy and the chief troubler of her peace; and his + evident dislike of her had greatly increased during her last year at the + Board School, when he had more than once been brought before a magistrate + and fined for her non-attendance. When that time was over, and he was no + longer compelled by law to keep her at school, he had begun driving her + out to beg in the streets, to make good what her “book-larning,” as he + contemptuously expressed it, had cost him. And the miserable wife had + allowed it, after some violent scenes and occasional protests, until the + illegal pence brought in each day grew to be an expected thing, and formed + now a constant cause of wrangling between husband and wife, each trying to + secure the lion's share, only to spend it at the public-house. + </p> + <p> + At last, without one penny of that small sum of threepence, which she had + mentally fixed on as the price of a domestic truce, she had got back to + within fifteen minutes' walk of Moon Street. Her anxiety had made her more + eager perhaps, and had given a strange tremor to her voice and made her + eyes more eloquent in their silent pathos, when two young men pushed by + her, walking fast and conversing, but she did not let them pass without + repeating the oft-repeated words. + </p> + <p> + “No, indeed, you little fraud!” exclaimed one of the young men; while his + companion, glancing back, looked curiously into her face. + </p> + <p> + “Stop a moment,” he said to his friend. “Don't be afraid, I'm not going to + pay. But, I say, just look at her eyes—good eyes, aren't they?” + </p> + <p> + The other turned round laughing, and stared hard at her face. Fan reddened + and dropped her eyes. Finally he took a penny from his pocket and held it + up before her. “Take,” he said. She took the penny, thanking him with a + grateful glance, whereupon he laughed and turned away, remarking that he + had got his money's worth. + </p> + <p> + She was nearly back to her own street again before anyone else noticed + her; then she met a very large important-looking gentleman, with a lady at + his side—a small, thin, meagre woman, with a dried yellow face, + wearing spectacles. The lady stopped very deliberately before Fan, and + scrutinised her face. + </p> + <p> + “Come along,” said her husband or companion. “You are not going to stop to + talk to that wretched little beggar, I hope.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I am, so please be quiet.—Now, my girl, are you not ashamed to + come out begging in the streets—do you not know that it is very + wrong of you?” + </p> + <p> + “I'm not begging—I'm selling matches,” answered Fan sullenly, and + looking down. + </p> + <p> + “You might have known that she'd say that, so come on, and don't waste + more time,” said the impatient gentleman. + </p> + <p> + “Don't hurry me, Charles,” returned the lady. “You know perfectly well + that I never bestow alms indiscriminately, so that you have nothing to + fear.—Now, my girl, why do you come out selling matches, as you call + it? It is only a pretext, because you really do not sell them, you know. + Do your parents send you out—are they so poor?” + </p> + <p> + Then Fan repeated the words she had been instructed to use on occasions + like the present, which she had repeated so often that they had lost all + meaning to her. “Father's out of work and mother's ill, and I came out + because we're starving.” + </p> + <p> + “Just so, of course, what did you think she would say!” exclaimed the big + gentleman. “Now I hope you are satisfied that I was right.” + </p> + <p> + “That's just where you are mistaken, Charles. You know that I never give + without a thorough investigation beforehand, and I am now determined to + look narrowly into this case, if you will only let me go quietly on in my + own way.—And now, my girl,” she continued, turning to Fan, “just + tell me where you live, so that I can call on your mother when I have + time, and perhaps assist her if it is as you say, and if I find that her + case is a deserving one.” + </p> + <p> + Fan at once gave the address and her mother's name. + </p> + <p> + “There now, Charles,” said the lady with a smile. “That is the test; you + see there is no deception here, and I think that I am able to distinguish + a genuine case of distress when I meet with one.—Here is a penny, my + girl”—one penny after all this preamble!—“and I trust your + poor mother will find it a help to her.” And then with a smile and a nod + she walked off, satisfied that she had observed all due precautions in + investing her penny, and that it would not be lost: for he who “giveth to + the poor lendeth to the Lord,” but certainly not to all the London poor. + Her husband, with a less high opinion of her perspicacity, for he had + muttered “Stuff and nonsense” in reply to her last remark, followed, + pleased to have the business over. + </p> + <p> + Fan remained standing still, undecided whether to go home or not, when to + her surprise a big rough-looking workman, without stopping in his walk or + speaking to her, thrust a penny into her hand. That made up the required + sum of threepence, and turning into Moon Street, she ran home as fast as + those ragged and loose old shoes would let her. + </p> + <p> + The candle was still burning on the table, throwing its flickering yellow + light on her mother's form, still sitting in the same listless attitude, + staring into the empty grate. The man was now lying on the bed, apparently + asleep. + </p> + <p> + On her entrance the mother started up, enjoining silence, and held out her + hand for the money; but before she could take it her husband awoke with a + snort. + </p> + <p> + “Drop that!” he growled, tumbling himself hastily off the bed, and Fan, + starting back in fear, stood still. He took the coppers roughly from her, + cursing her for being so long away, then taking his clay-pipe from the + mantelpiece and putting on his old hat, swung out of the room; but after + going a few steps he groped his way back and looked in again. “Go to bed, + Margy,” he said. “Sorry I hit you, but 'tain't much, and we must give and + take, you know.” And then with a nod and grin he shut the door and took + himself off. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile Fan had gone to her corner and removed her old hat and kicked + off her muddy shoes, and now sat there watching her mother, who had + despondently settled in her chair again. + </p> + <p> + “Go to bed, Fan—it's late enough,” she said. + </p> + <p> + Instead of obeying her the girl came and knelt down by her side, taking + one of her mother's listless hands in hers. + </p> + <p> + “Mother”—she spoke in a low tone, but with a strange eagerness in + her voice—“let's run away together and leave him.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't talk nonsense, child! Where'd we go?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, mother, let's go right away from London—right out into the + country, far as we can, where he'll never find us, where we can sit on the + grass under the trees and rest.” + </p> + <p> + “And leave my sticks for him to drink up? Don't you think I'm such a + silly.” + </p> + <p> + “Do—<i>do</i> let's go, mother! It's worse and worse every day, and + he'll kill us if we don't.” + </p> + <p> + “No fear. He'll knock us about a bit, but he don't want a rope round <i>his</i> + neck, you be sure. And he ain't so bad neither, when he's not in the + drink. He's sorry he hit me now.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, mother, I can't bear it! I hate him—I hate him; and he <i>isn't</i> + my father, and he hates me, and he'll kill me some day when I come home + with nothing.” + </p> + <p> + “Who says he isn't your father—where did you hear that, Fan?” + </p> + <p> + “He calls me bastard every day, and I know what that means. Mother, <i>is</i> + he my father?” + </p> + <p> + “The brute—no!” + </p> + <p> + “Then why did you marry him, mother? Oh, we could have been so happy + together!” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, Fan, I know that <i>now</i>, but I didn't know it then. I married + him three months before you was born, so that you'd be the child of honest + parents. He had a hundred pounds with me, but it all went in a year; and + it's always been up and down, up and down with us ever since, but now it's + nothing but down.” + </p> + <p> + “A hundred pounds!” exclaimed Fan in amazement “And who was my father?” + </p> + <p> + “Go to bed, Fan, and don't ask questions. I've been very foolish to say so + much. You are too young to understand such things.” + </p> + <p> + “But, mother, I do understand, and I want to know who my father is. Oh, do—do + tell me!” + </p> + <p> + “What for?” + </p> + <p> + “Because when I know I'll go to him and tell him how—how <i>he</i> + treats us, and ask him to help us to go away into the country where he'll + never find us any more.” Her mother laughed. “You're a brave girl if you'd + do that,” she said, her face softening. “No, Fan, it can't be done.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, please tell me, and I'll do it. Why can't it be done, mother?” + </p> + <p> + “I can't tell you any more, child. Go to bed, and forget all about it. You + hear bad things enough in the street, and it 'ud only put badness into + your head to hear talk of such things.” + </p> + <p> + Fan's pleading eyes were fixed on her mother's face with a strange meaning + and earnestness in them; then she said: + </p> + <p> + “Mother, I hear bad things in the street every day, but they don't make <i>me</i> + bad. Oh, do tell me about my father, and why can't I go to him?” + </p> + <p> + The unhappy woman looked down, and yet could hardly meet those grey + beautiful eyes fixed so earnestly on her face. She hesitated, and passed + her trembling fingers over Fan's disordered hair, and finally burst into + tears. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Fan, I can't help it,” she said, half sobbing. “You have just his + eyes, and it brings it all back when I look into them. It was wicked of me + to go wrong, for I was brought up good and honest in the country; but he + was a gentleman, and kind and good to me, and not a working-man and a + drunken brute like poor Joe. But I sha'n't ever see him again. I don't + know where he is, and he wouldn't know me if he saw me; and perhaps he's + dead now. I loved him and he loved me, but we couldn't marry because he + was a gentleman and me only a servant-girl, and I think he had a wife. But + I didn't care, because he was good to me and loved me, and he gave me a + hundred pounds to get married, and I can't ever tell you his name, Fan, + because I promised never to name him to anyone, and kissed the Book on it + when he gave me the hundred pounds, and it would be wicked to tell now. + And Joe, he wanted to marry me; he knew it all, and took the hundred + pounds and said it would make no difference. He'd love you just the same, + he said, and never throw it up to me; and that's why I married Joe. Oh, + what a fool I was, to be sure! But it can't be helped now, and it's no use + saying more about it. Now go to bed, Fan, and forget all I've said to + you.” + </p> + <p> + Fan rose and went sorrowfully to her bed; but she did not forget, or try + to forget, what she had heard. It was sad to lose that hope of ever seeing + her father, but it was a secret joy to know that he had been kind and + loving to her poor mother, and that he was a gentleman, and not one like + Joe Harrod; that thought kept her awake in her cold bed for a long time—long + after Joe and his wife were peacefully sleeping side by side. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II + </h2> + <p> + That troubled evening was followed by a quiet period, lasting from + Wednesday to Saturday, during which there were no brawls indoors, and Fan + was free of the hateful task of going out to collect pence in the streets. + Joe had been offered a three or four days' job; he had accepted it + gratefully because it was only for three or four days, and for that period + he would be the sober, stolid, British workman. The pleasures of the + pot-house would claim him on Saturday, when he would have money in his + pockets and the appetite that comes from abstention. + </p> + <p> + On Saturday morning after he had left the house at six o'clock, Fan + started up from her cot and came to her mother's side at the table. + </p> + <p> + “Mother, may I go out to the fields to-day?” she asked. “I know if I go + straight along the Edgware Road I'll come to them soon. And I'll be home + early.” + </p> + <p> + “No, Fan, don't you try it. It's too far and'll tire you, and you'd be + hungry and maybe get lost.” + </p> + <p> + “Can't I take some bread, mother? Do let me go! It will be so nice to see + the fields and trees, and they say it isn't far to walk.” + </p> + <p> + “You're not fit to be seen walking, Fan. Wait till you've got proper shoes + to your feet, and a dress to wear. Perhaps I'll git you one next week.” + </p> + <p> + “But if I wait I'll never go! He'll finish his work to-day and spend the + money, and on Monday he'll send me out just the same as before.” + </p> + <p> + And as she continued to plead, almost with tears, so intent was she on + this little outing, her mother at length gave her consent. She even got + her scissors to cut off the ragged fringing from the girl's dress to make + her look more trim, and mended her torn shoes with needle and thread; then + cut her a hunk of bread for her dinner. + </p> + <p> + “I never see a girl so set on the country,” she said, when Fan was about + to start, her thin pale face brightening with anticipation. “It's a long + tramp up the Edgware Road, and not much to see when you git to the + fields.” + </p> + <p> + There would be much to see, Fan thought, as she set out on her expedition. + She had secretly planned it in her mind, and had thought about it by day + and dreamed about it by night—how much there would be to see! + </p> + <p> + But the way was long; so long that before she got out of London—out + of that seemingly endless road with shops on either hand—she began + to be very tired. Then came that wide zone surrounding London, of + uncompleted streets and rows of houses partly occupied, separated by wide + spaces with brick-fields, market-gardens, and waste grounds. Here she + might have turned aside to rest in one of the numerous huge excavations, + their bottoms weedy and grass-grown, showing that they had been long + abandoned; but this was not the country, the silent green woods and fields + she had come so far to seek, and in spite of weariness she trudged + determinedly on. + </p> + <p> + At first the day had promised to be fine; now a change came over it, the + sky was overcast with grey clouds, and a keen wind from the north-west + blew in her face and made her shiver with cold. Many times during that + long walk she drew up beside some gate or wooden fence, and leaned against + it, feeling almost too tired and dispirited to proceed further; but she + could not sit down there to rest, for people were constantly passing in + traps, carts and carriages, and on foot, and not one passed without + looking hard at her; and by-and-by, overcoming her weakness, she would + trudge on again, all the time wishing herself back in the miserable room + in Moon Street once more. + </p> + <p> + At last she got beyond the builders' zone, into the country; from an + elevated piece of ground over which the road passed she was able to see + the prospect for miles ahead, and the sight made her heart sink within + her. The few trees visible were bare of foliage, and the fields, shut + within their brown ragged hedges, were mostly ploughed and black, and the + green fields were as level as the ploughed, and there was no shelter from + the cold wind, no sunshine on the pale damp sward. It was in the middle of + October; the foliage and beauty of summer had long vanished; she had seen + the shed autumn leaves in Hyde Park many days ago, yet she had walked all + the weary distance from Moon Street, cheered with the thought that in the + country it would be different, that there would still be sunshine and + shadow there, and green trees and flowers. It was useless to go on, and + impossible in her weak exhausted condition to attempt to return at once. + The only thing left for her to do was to creep aside and lie down under + the shelter of some hedge, and get through the time in the best way she + could. Near the road, some distance ahead, there was a narrow lane with a + rough thorny hedge on either side, and thither she now went in quest of a + shelter of some kind from the rain which was beginning to fall. The lane + was on the east side of the road, and under the hedge on one hand there + was an old ditch overgrown with grass and weeds; here Fan crouched down + under a bush until the shower was over, then got out and walked on again. + Presently she discovered a gap in the hedge large enough to admit her + body, and after peering cautiously through and seeing no person about, she + got into the field. It was small, and the hedge all round shut out the + view on every side; nevertheless it was a relief to be there, safe out of + sight of all men for a little while. She walked on, still keeping close to + the hedge, until she came to a dwarf oak tree, with a deep hollow in the + ground between its trunk and the hedge; the hollow was half filled with + fallen dead leaves, and Fan, turning them with her foot, found that under + the surface they were dry, and this spot being the most tempting one she + had yet seen, she coiled herself up in the leafy bed to rest. And lying + there in the shelter, after eating her bread, she very soon fell asleep, + in spite of the cold. + </p> + <p> + From her sleep, which lasted for some hours, she woke stiff and chilled to + the marrow. It was late in the day, and the occasional watery gleams the + sun shot through the grey clouds came from low down in the western sky. + She started up, and scarcely able at first to use her sore, cramped limbs, + set out on her return. She was hungry and thirsty and sore—sore also + in mind at her disappointment—and the gusty evening wind blew chill, + and more than one shower of rain fell to wet her; but she reached + Paddington at last. In the Edgware Road the Saturday evening market was in + full progress when she passed, too tired and miserable to take any + interest in the busy bustling scene. And by-and-by the dense moving + crowds, noise of bawling costermongers, and glare of gas and naphtha + torches were left behind, when she reached the welcome gloom and + comparative quiet of her own squalid street. There was also welcome quiet + in the top room when she entered, for her parents were out. A remnant of + fire was in the grate, and the teapot had been left on the fender to keep + warm. Fan poured herself out some tea and drank it thirstily; then hanging + her dress over a chair to dry by the heat of the embers, and nestling into + her rickety bed in the corner, she very quickly fell asleep. From her + sleep she was at length roused by Mrs. Clark, the landlady, who with her + husband and children inhabited the ground-floor. + </p> + <p> + “When did you come in, Fan?” she asked. + </p> + <p> + “I think it was half-past seven,” said the girl. + </p> + <p> + “Well, your mother went out earlier than that, and now it's half-past ten, + and she not in yet. It's a shame for them always to stay out like that + when they've got a bit of money. I think you'd better go and see if you + can find her, and make her come in. She went to buy the dinner, and look + for Joe in Crawford Street. That's where you'll find her, I'm thinking.” + </p> + <p> + Fan rose obediently, shivering with cold, her eyes still heavy with sleep, + and putting on her damp things went out into the streets again. In a few + minutes she was in Crawford Street. It is long, narrow, crooked, and + ill-paved; full of shops, but of a meaner description than those in the + adjacent thoroughfare, with a larger proportion of fishmongers, + greengrocers, secondhand furniture and old clothes sellers. Here also was + a Saturday evening market, an overflow from the Edgware Road, composed + chiefly of the poorer class of costermongers—the vendors of cheap + damaged fruits and vegetables, of haddock and herring, shell-fish, and + rabbits, the skins dangling in clusters at each end of the barrow. + Public-houses were numerous here; on the pavement before them groups of + men were standing, pipe in mouth, idly talking; these were men who had + already got rid of their week's earnings, or of that portion they had + reserved for their own pleasures, but were not yet prepared to go home, + and so miss the chance of a last half-pint of beer from some passing still + solvent acquaintance. There were other larger groups and little crowds + gathered round the street auctioneers, minstrels, quacks, and jugglers, + whose presence in the busier thoroughfare was not tolerated by the police. + </p> + <p> + It was late now, and the money spending and getting nearly over; + costermongers, some with half their goods still unsold, were leaving; the + groups were visibly thinning, the doors of the public-houses swinging to + and fro less frequently. As Fan hurried anxiously along, she peeped + carefully through the clouded window-panes into the “public bar” + department of each drinking place in search of her mother, and paused for + a few moments whenever she came to a group of spectators gathered round + some object of curiosity at a street corner. After satisfying herself that + her mother was not in the crowd, she would remain for a few moments + looking on with the others. + </p> + <p> + At one spot her attention was painfully held by a short, dark, misshapen + man with no hands nor arms, but only the stump of an arm, with a stick + tied to it. Before him on a rough stand was a board, with half a dozen + thick metal wires stretched across it. Rapidly moving his one poor stump, + he struck on the wires with his stick and so produced a succession of + sounds that roughly resembled a tune. Poor man, how she pitied him; how + much more miserable seemed his life than hers! It was cold and damp, yet + the perspiration stood in great drops on his sallow, wasted face as he + violently wriggled his deformed body about, playing without hands on his + rude instrument—all to make a few pence to save himself from + starvation, or from that living tomb into which, with a humanity more + cruel than Nature's cruelty, we thrust the unfit ones away out of our + sight! No one gave him anything for his music, and with a pang in her + heart she hurried away on her quest. + </p> + <p> + Not all the street scenes were ghastly or painful. She came to one crowd, + ranged motionless and silent before a large, fat, dignified-looking man, + in good broad-cloth garments, white tie, and wearing a fez; he was calmly + sitting on a camp-stool, and held a small phial in one hand. Not a word + did he speak for a long time. At length one of the onlookers, a tipsy + working-man, becoming impatient, addressed him: + </p> + <p> + “Ain't you going to do nothing, mister? Here I've been a-waiting with + these other ladies and gentl'men more'n ten minutes, and you ain't done + nothing yet, nor yet said nothing.” + </p> + <p> + The fat man placed a hand on his broad shirt-front, rolled up his eyes, + and solemnly shook his head. + </p> + <p> + “Fools, fools!” he said, as if speaking to himself. “But what does it + matter to me if they won't be saved—if they'd rather die of their + complaints? In the East it's different, because I'm known there. I've been + to Constantinople, and Morocco, and everywhere. Let them ask the heathen + what I have done for them. Do they think I cure them for the sake of their + dirty pence? No, no; those that like gold, and jewels, and elephants to + ride on, can have it all in the East, and I came away from there. Because + why? I care more for these. <i>I</i> don't ask them what's the matter with + them! Is there such a thing as a leper in this crowd? Let them bring me a + leper here, and I'll cure him for nothing, just to show them what this + medicine is. As for rheumatics, consumption, toothache, palpitations of + the 'art—what you like, that's all nothing. One drop and it's gone. + Sarsaparilla, and waters this, and pills that, what they give their pence + for, and expect it's going to do them good. Rubbish, I call it. They buy + it, as much as they can put in their insides, and die just the same. This + is different. Twenty years in the East, and this is what I got. Doctors! I + laugh at such people.” + </p> + <p> + Here, with a superior smile, he cast down his eyes again and relapsed into + silence. + </p> + <p> + No one laughed. Then Fan heard someone near her remark: “He has + book-learning, that's what he has”; to which another voice replied, “Ah, + you may say it, and he has more'n that.” + </p> + <p> + Next to Fan stood a gaunt, aged woman, miserably dressed, and she, too, + listened to these remarks; and presently she pushed her way to the wise + man of the East, and began, “Oh, sir, my heart's that bad—” + </p> + <p> + “Hush, hush! don't say another word,” he interrupted with a majestic wave + of his hand. “You needn't tell me what you have. I saw it all before you + spoke.” + </p> + <p> + He uncorked the phial. “One drop on your tongue will make you whole for + ever. Poor woman! poor woman! how much you have suffered. I know it all. + Sixpence first, if you please. If you were rich I would say a hundred + pounds; but you are poor, and your sixpence shall be more to you in the + Day of Judgment than the hundred pounds of the rich man.” + </p> + <p> + With trembling fingers she brought out her money and counted out + fivepence-halfpenny. + </p> + <p> + “It's ahl I have,” she sorrowfully said, offering it to him. + </p> + <p> + He shook his head, and she was about to retire when someone came forward + and placed a halfpenny in her hand. He took his fee, and then all pressed + closer round to watch with intense interest while a drop of brown liquid + was poured on to the poor woman's tongue, thrust far out so that none of + that balsam of life should be lost. After witnessing this scene, Fan + hurried on once more. + </p> + <p> + At length, near Blandford Square, she came against a crowd so large that + nothing short of a fight, or the immediate prospect of one, could have + caused it to collect at that late hour. A temporary opening of the crowd + enabled her to see into the middle of it, and there, in a small space + which had been made for them, two women stood defiantly facing each other. + The dim light from the windows of the public-house they had been drinking + in fell on their heads, and she instantly recognised them both: one was + her mother, excited by alcohol and anger; the other a tall, pale-faced, + but brawny-looking woman, known in the place as “Long 'Liza,” a noted + brawler, once a neighbour of the Harrods in Moon Street, but now just out + of prison and burning to pay off old scores. In vain Fan struggled to + reach her mother; the ring of people closed up again; she was flung + roughly back and no regard paid to her piteous appeals and sobs. + </p> + <p> + It was anguish to her to have to stand there powerless on the outer edge + of the ring of people, to listen to the frantic words of the insult and + challenge of the two women and the cries and cheers of the excited crowd. + But it was plain that a war of words was not enough to satisfy the + onlookers, that they were bent on making the women come to blows. The + crowd increased every moment; she was pushed further and further back, and + in the hubbub could only catch portions of what the two furious women were + saying. + </p> + <p> + “No, you won't fight, you ——; that's not your way, but wait + till one's down, and then.... And if you got six weeks with hard, it's a + pity, I say, as it wasn't six months.... But if I was a —— + blab like you I could say worse things of you than you and your —— + Moon Street crew can say of me any day.... And you'll out with it if you + don't want your head knocked on the stones for nothing.... Not by you, you + ——; I'm ready, if you want to try your strength with me, then + we'll see whose head 'ull be knocked on the stones.... Yes, I'll fight you + fast enough, but first.... If you'll have it, where's the girl you send + into the streets to beg? You and your man to git drunk on the coppers she + gits! More too if you'd like to hear it.... But you can't say more, nor + that neither, you ——.... Smash my teeth, then! Who was her + father, or did the poor fool marry you off the streets when he was drunk?” + </p> + <p> + With a scream and a curse her antagonist sprang at her, and in a moment + they were striking and tearing at each other like a couple of enraged wild + animals. With a burst of cheering the people pressed closer round, but + after a few moments they interposed and forcibly pulled the combatants + apart. Not that there was any ruth in their hearts, any compassionate + desire to shield these two miserable women of their own class from their + insane fury; their only fear was that the fighters would exhaust + themselves too soon, encumbered as they were with their jackets and + shawls. Not one in the throng remembered that he had an old mother, a + pale-faced wife and little children at home, and sisters, working-girls + perhaps. For the working-man has a sporting instinct as well as his + betters; he cannot gratify it by seeing stripped athletic men pounding + each other with their fists at Pelican Clubs; he has only the occasional + street fight to delight his soul, and the spectacle of two maddened women + tearing each other is not one to be ungrateful for. + </p> + <p> + Having pulled off their hats and stripped them to their corsets, their + friends and backers released them with encouraging words and slaps on the + back, just as dog-fighters set their dogs on each other. Again there were + yells and curses, tearing of hair and garments, and a blind, mad rain of + blows; until Long 'Liza, striking her foot on the curb, measured her + length on the stones, and instantly her adversary was down on her chest, + pounding her face with clenched fists. + </p> + <p> + Groans and shouts of protest arose from the onlookers, and then several of + them rushed in and dragged her off, after which the two women were set on + their feet and encouraged to renew the fight. Round after round was fought + with unabated fury, invariably ending by one going down, to be stamped on, + beaten, and kicked by her opponent until rescued by the spectators, who + wished only to prolong the contest. But the last round ended more + disastrously; locked in a close tussle, 'Liza exerted her whole strength + to lift her antagonist from the ground and hurl her down, and succeeded, + falling heavily on her, then quickly disengaging herself she jumped on her + as if with the object of trampling her life out, when once more the + spectators rushed in and dragged her off, still struggling and yelling + with baffled rage. But the fallen woman could not be roused; the back of + her head had struck the edge of the kerbstone; she was senseless, and her + loosened hair becoming saturated with fast-flowing blood. + </p> + <p> + Fan, sobbing and pressing her hands together in anguish and terror, was no + longer kept back; as if by magic the crowd had dissipated, while half a + dozen men and women surrounded 'Liza and hurried her, still struggling and + cursing, from the ground. Fan was on her knees beside the fallen woman, + trying to raise her; but presently she was pushed roughly aside by two + policemen who had just arrived on the scene. Of the crowd, numbering about + a hundred and fifty persons, only a dozen or twenty men still lingered on + the spot, and some of these assisted the policemen in raising the woman + and bathing her head with cold water. Then, finding that she was seriously + injured, they put her into a four-wheeler and drove off to St. Mary's + Hospital. + </p> + <p> + Left alone, Fan stood for a few moments not knowing what to do, then she + set off running after the cab, crying as she ran; but it went too fast for + her, and before she got to the end of Crawford Street it was out of sight. + Still she kept on, and at last, crossing Edgware Road, plunged into a + wilderness of narrow dark streets, still hoping to reach St. Mary's not + long after the cab. But though well acquainted with the hospital, and all + the streets leading to it, on this occasion she became bewildered, and + after wandering about for some time, and feeling utterly worn-out with her + long fatiguing day and the painful emotions she had experienced, she sat + down on a doorstep in a lonely dark street, not knowing where she had got + to. + </p> + <p> + Then a poor woman came by and was able to direct her, and she hurried on + once more; but when close to the gate she met her father, who asked her in + a surly tone what she did there at that late hour. He had witnessed the + whole fight to the end, only keeping well in the background to escape + observation, and was just returning from the hospital when he met Fan. + Hearing that she was going to see her mother, he ordered her home, saying + that at the hospital they would admit no one at that hour, and that she + must go in the morning to inquire. Sick with grief and misery, she + followed him back to Moon Street, which they reached at about half-past + twelve. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III + </h2> + <p> + Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday passed sadly and slowly enough, and at five + o'clock on the evening of the last day Fan was told at St. Mary's—that + Margaret Harrod was dead. During those three miserable days of suspense + she had spent most of her time hanging about the doors of the hospital, + going timidly at intervals to inquire, and to ask to be allowed to see her + mother. But her request was refused. Her mother was suffering from + concussion of the brain, besides other serious injuries, and continued + unconscious; nothing was to be gained by seeing her. + </p> + <p> + Without a word, without a tear, she turned away from the dreary gates and + walked slowly back to Moon Street; and at intervals on her homeward walk + she paused to gaze about her in a dazed way, like a person who had + wandered unknowingly into some distant place where everything wore a + strange look. The old familiar streets and buildings were there, the big + shop-windows full of cheap ticketed goods, the cab-stand and the + drinking-fountain, the omnibuses and perpetual streams of' foot-passengers + on the broad pavement. She knew it all so well, yet now it looked so + unfamiliar. She was a stranger, lost and alone there in that place and + everywhere. She was walking there like one in a dream, from which there + would be no more waking to the old reality; no more begging pence from + careless passers-by in the street; no more shrinking away and hiding + herself with an unutterable sense of shame and degradation from the sight + of some neighbour or old school acquaintance; no more going about in + terror of the persecution and foul language of the gangs of grown-up boys + and girls that spent their evenings in horse-play in the streets; no more + going home to the one being she loved, and who loved her, whose affection + supplied the food for which her heart hungered. + </p> + <p> + Arrived at her home, she did not go up as was her custom to her dreary + room at the top, but remained standing in the passage near the landlady's + door; and presently Mrs. Clark, coming out, discovered her there. + </p> + <p> + “Well, Fan, how's mother now?” she asked in a kind voice. + </p> + <p> + “She's dead,” returned Fan, hanging her head. + </p> + <p> + “Dead! I thought it 'ud be that! Dear, dear! poor Margy, so strong as she + was only last Saturday, and dead! Poor Margy, poor dear—we was + always friendly”—here she wiped away a tear—“as good a soul as + ever breathed! <i>That</i> she was, though she did die like that; but she + never had a chance, and went to the bad all on account of him. Dead, and + he on the drink—Lord only knows where he gits it—and lying + there asleep in his room, and his poor wife dead at the hospital, and + never thinking how he's going to pay the rent. I've stood it long enough + for poor Margy, poor dear, because we was friends like, and she'd her + troubles the same as me, but I ain't going to stand it from him. That I'll + let him know fast enough; and now she's dead he can take himself off, and + good riddance. But how're <i>you</i> going to live—begging about the + street? A big girl like you—I'm ashamed of such goings on, and ain't + going to have it in my house.” + </p> + <p> + Fan shook her head: the slow tears were beginning to fall now. “I'd do + anything for mother,” she said, with a half sob, “but she's dead, and I'll + never beg more.” + </p> + <p> + “That's a good girl, Fan. But you always was a good girl, I must say, only + they didn't do what's right by you. Now don't cry, poor dear, but run up + to your room and lie down; you're dead tired.” + </p> + <p> + “I can't go there any more,” murmured Fan, in a kind of despairing way. + </p> + <p> + “And what are you going to do? He'll do nothing for you, but 'll only make + you beg and abuse you. I know Joe Harrod, and only wish he'd got his head + broke instead of poor Margy. Ain't you got no relation you know of to go + to? She was country-bred, Margy was; she come from Norfolk, I often heard + her say.” + </p> + <p> + “I've got no one,” murmured Fan. + </p> + <p> + “Well, don't cry no more. Come in here; you look starved and tired to + death. When my man comes in you'll have tea with us, and I'll let you + sleep in my room. But, Fan, if Joe won't keep you and goes off and leaves + you, you'll have to go into the House, because <i>I</i> couldn't keep you, + if I wanted ever so.” + </p> + <p> + Fan followed her into her room on the ground-floor: there was a fire in + the grate, which threw a dim flickering light on the dusty-looking walls + and ceiling and the old shabby furniture, but it was very superior to the + Harrods' bare apartment, and to the poor girl it seemed a perfect haven of + rest. Retreating to a corner she sat down, and began slowly pondering over + the words the landlady had spoken. The “House” she had always been taught + to look on as a kind of prison where those who were unfit to live, and + could not live, and yet would not die, were put away out of sight. For + those who went to gaol for doing wrong there was hope; not so for the + penniless, friendless incapables who drifted or were dragged into the + dreary refuge of the “House.” They might come out again when the weather + was warm, and try to renew the struggle in which they had suffered defeat; + but their case would be then like that of the fighter who has been felled + to the earth, and staggers up, half stunned and blinded with blood, to + renew the combat with an uninjured opponent. And yet the words she had + heard, while persistently remaining in her mind, did not impress her very + much then. She was tired and dazed, and had nothing to live for, and was + powerless to think and plan for herself: she was ready to go wherever she + was bidden, and ask no questions and make no trouble. So she went and sat + down in a dark corner, without making any reply. With eyes closed and her + tired head resting against the wall, she remained for half an hour in that + impassive state, saying no word in answer to Mrs. Clark's occasional + remarks, as she moved about preparing the six o'clock meal. + </p> + <p> + Then the husband came in, and being a silent man, said nothing when his + wife told him that Margaret was dead at the hospital. When she proceeded + to add that Joe would sell the sticks and go off, leaving Fan on their + hands, and that Fan would have to go to the House, he only nodded his head + and went on with his tea. + </p> + <p> + Fan drank her tea and ate her bread-and-butter, and then once more + returned to her seat, and after some time she fell asleep, leaning her + head against the wall. She woke with a start two hours later to find + herself alone in the room, but there was still some fire in the grate, and + a candle burning on the table. The heavy steps of a man on the stairs had + woke her, and she knew that Joe Harrod was coming down from his room. He + came and knocked at the door. + </p> + <p> + “Is Fan here?” he called huskily. “Where's the girl got to, I'd like to + know?” + </p> + <p> + She remained silent, shrinking back trembling in her corner; and after + waiting a while and getting no answer he went grumbling away, and + presently she heard him go out at the street door. Then she sprang to her + feet, and stood for a while intently listening, with a terror and hatred + of this man stronger than she had ever felt before urging her to fly and + place herself for ever beyond his reach. Somewhere in this great city she + might find a hiding-place; it was so vast; in all directions the great + thoroughfares stretched away into the infinite distance, bright all night + with the flaring gas and filled with crowds of people and the noise of + traffic; and branching off from the thoroughfares there were streets, + hundreds and thousands of streets, leading away into black silent lanes + and quiet refuges, in the shadow of vast silent buildings, and arches, and + gateways, where she might lie down and rest in safety. So strong on her + was this sudden impulse to fly, that she would have acted on it had not + Mrs. Clark returned at that moment to the room. + </p> + <p> + “Come, Fan, I've made you up a bed in my room, and if he comes bothering + for you to-night, I'll soon send him about his business. Don't you fear, + my girl.” + </p> + <p> + Fan followed her silently to the adjoining room, where a bed of rugs and + blankets had been made for her on four or five chairs. For the present she + felt safe; but she could not sleep much, even on a bed made luxurious by + warmth, for thinking of the morrow; and finally she resolved to slip away + in the morning and make her escape. + </p> + <p> + At six o'clock next morning the Clarks were up, one to go to his work, the + other to make him his breakfast. When they had left the bedroom Fan also + got up and dressed herself in all haste, and after waiting till she heard + the man leave the house, she went into the next room, and Mrs. Clark gave + her some coffee and bread, and expressed surprise at seeing her up so + early. Fan answered that she was going out to look for something to do. + </p> + <p> + “It's not a bit of use,” said the other. “They won't look at you with them + things on. Just you stop in quiet, and I'll see he don't worry you; but + by-and-by you'll have to go to the House, for Joe Harrod's not the man to + take care of you. They'll feed you and give you decent clothes, and that's + something; and perhaps they'll send you to some place where they take + girls to learn them to be housemaids and kitchen-maids, and things like + that. Don't you go running about the streets, because it'll come to no + good, and I won't have it.” + </p> + <p> + Fan had intended to ask her to let her go out and try just once, and when + once clear of the neighbourhood, to remain away, but Mrs. Clark had spoken + so sharply at the last, that she only hung her head and remained silent. + </p> + <p> + But presently the opportunity came when the woman went away to look after + some domestic matter, and Fan, stealing softly to the door, opened it, and + finding no person in sight, made her escape in the direction of Norfolk + Crescent. Skirting the neighbourhood of squares and gardens and large + houses, she soon reached Praed{035} Street, and then the Harrow Road, + along which she hurriedly walked; and when it began to grow light and the + shopkeepers were taking down their shutters, she had crossed the Regent's + Canal, and found herself in a brick-and-mortar wilderness entirely unknown + to her. + </p> + <p> + Here she felt perfectly safe for the time, for the Clarks, she felt sure, + would trouble themselves no further about her, for she was nothing to + them; and as for Joe Harrod, she had heard them say that he would be + called that day to identify his wife's body at the inquest, and give his + evidence about the way in which she had met her death. + </p> + <p> + About these unknown streets Fan wandered for hours in an aimless kind of + way, not seeking work nor speaking to anyone; for the words Mrs. Clark had + spoken about the uselessness of seeking employment dressed as she was + still weighed on her mind and made her ashamed of addressing any person. + Towards noon hunger and fatigue began to make her very faint; and + by-and-by the short daylight would fail, and there would be no food and no + shelter for the night. This thought spurred her into action. She went into + a small side street of poor mean-looking houses and a few shops scattered + here and there among the private dwellings. Into one of these—a + small oil-shop, where she saw a woman behind the counter—she at last + ventured. + </p> + <p> + “What for you?” said the woman, the moment she put her foot inside the + door. + </p> + <p> + “Please do you want a girl to help with work—” + </p> + <p> + “No, I don't want a girl, and don't know anyone as does,” said the woman + sharply; then turned away, not well pleased that this girl was no buyer of + an honest bundle of wood, a ha'porth of treacle, or a half-ounce of + one-and-four tea; for out of the profits of such small transactions she + had to maintain herself and children. + </p> + <p> + Fan went out; but by-and-by recovering a little courage, and urged by + need, she went into other shops, into all the shops in that mean little + street at last, but nobody wanted her, and in one or two instances she was + ordered out in sharp tones and followed by sharp eyes lest she should + carry off something concealed under her shawl. + </p> + <p> + Then she wandered on again, and at length finding a quiet spot, she sat + down to rest on a doorstep. The pale October sunshine which had been with + her up till now deserted her; it was growing cold and grey, and at last, + shivering and faint, she got up and walked aimlessly on once more, + resolving to go into the next shop she should come to, and to speak to the + next woman she should see standing at her door, with the hope of finding + someone at last to take her in and give her food and a place to lie down + in. But on coming to the shop she would pass on; and when she saw a woman + standing outside her door, with keen hard eyes looking her from head to + foot, she would drop her own and walk on; and at last, through very + weariness, she began to lose that painful apprehension of the cold night + spent out of doors; even her hunger seemed to leave her; she wanted only + to sit down and fall asleep and remember no more. By-and-by she found + herself again in the Harrow Road, but her brain was confused, so that she + did not know whether she was going east or west. It was growing colder now + and darker, and a grey mist was forming in the air, and she could find no + shelter anywhere from the cold and mud and mist, and from the eyes of the + passers-by that seemed to look so pitilessly at her. The sole of one of + her shoes was worn through, and the cold flag-stones of the footway and + the mud of the streets made her foot numb, so that she could scarcely lift + it. Near Paddington Green—for she had been for some time walking + back towards the Edgware Road—she paused at the entrance of a short + narrow street, running up to the canal. It had a very squalid appearance, + and a number of ragged children were running about shouting at their play + in it, but it was better than the thoroughfare to rest in, and advancing a + few yards, she paused on the edge of the pavement and leant against a + lamp-post. A few of the dirty children came near and stared at her, then + returned to their noisy sports with the others. A little further on women + were standing at their doors exchanging remarks. Presently a thin + sad-looking woman, in a rusty black gown, carrying something wrapped in a + piece of newspaper in her hand, came by from the thoroughfare. She paused + near Fan, looked at her once or twice, and said: + </p> + <p> + “What name be you looking for? The numbers is mostly rubbed off the doors. + Maybe they never had none.” + </p> + <p> + “I wasn't looking for anyone,” said Fan. + </p> + <p> + “I thought you was, seeing you standing as if you didn't know where to go, + like.” + </p> + <p> + Fan shook her head, feeling too tired to say anything. She had no friend, + no one she knew even in these poor tenements, and only wished to rest a + little there out of sight of the passing people. The woman was still + standing still, but not watching her. + </p> + <p> + “Maybe you're waiting for someone?” she suggested. + </p> + <p> + “No.” + </p> + <p> + “No? you're not.” And after a further interval she began studying the + little loosely-wrapped parcel in her hand; and finally, with slow + deliberation, she unfolded it. It contained a bloater: she felt it + carefully as though to make sure that it had a soft roe, and then smelt it + to make sure that it was good, after which she slowly wrapped it up again. + “Maybe you've no home to go to,” she remarked tentatively, looking away + from Fan as if speaking to some imaginary person. + </p> + <p> + “No, I haven't,” said Fan. + </p> + <p> + “You don't look a bad 'un. P'r'aps they treated you badly and you ran + away.” + </p> + <p> + Fan nodded. + </p> + <p> + “And you've no place to go to, and no money?” + </p> + <p> + “No.” + </p> + <p> + Again the woman's eyes wandered absently away; then she began studying the + parcel, and appeared about to unfold it once more, then thought better of + it, and at last said, still speaking in the same absent mournful tone: + “I've got a room to myself up there,” indicating the upper end of the + street. “You can come and sleep along with me, if you like. One bloater + ain't much for two, but there's tea and bread, and that'll do you good.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, I'll come,” said Fan, and moving along at her side they walked + about forty yards further on to an open door, before which stood a + dirty-looking woman with bare folded arms. She moved aside to let them + pass, and going in they went up to a top room, small and dingy, furnished + with a bed, a small deal table, one chair, and a deal box, which served as + a washing-stand. But there was a fire burning in the small grate, with a + kettle on; and a cottage loaf, an earthenware teapot with half its spout + broken off, and one cup and saucer, also a good deal damaged, were on the + table, the poor woman having made all preparations for her tea before + going out to buy her bloater. + </p> + <p> + “Take off your hat and sit here,” she said, drawing her one cane-bottomed + chair near the fire. + </p> + <p> + Fan obeyed, putting her hat on the bed, and then sat warming herself, too + tired and sad to think of anything. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile her hostess took off her boots and began quietly moving about + the room, which was uncarpeted, finishing her preparations for tea. The + herring was put down to toast before the coals and the tea made; then she + went downstairs and returned with a second cup. Finally she drew the + little table up to the bed, which would serve as a second seat. It was all + so strangely quiet there, with no sound except the kettle singing, and the + hissing and sputtering of the toasting herring, that the unaccustomed + silence had the effect of rousing the girl, and she glanced at the woman + moving so noiselessly about the room. She was not yet past middle age, but + had the coarsened look and furrowed skin of one whose lot in life had been + hard; her hair was thin and lustreless, sprinkled with grey, and there was + a faraway look of weary resignation in her dim blue eyes. Fan pitied her, + and remembering that but for this poor woman's sympathy she would have + been still out in the cold streets, with no prospect of a shelter for the + night, she bent down her face and began to cry quietly. + </p> + <p> + The woman took no notice, but continued moving about in her subdued way, + until all was ready, and then going to the window she stood there gazing + out into the mist and darkness. Only when Fan had finished crying she came + back to the fireside, and they sat down to their tea. It was a silent + meal, but when it was over, and the few things washed and put away, she + drew the deal box up to the fire and sat down by Fan. Then they talked a + little: Fan told her that her mother was just dead, that she was homeless + and trying to find something to do for a living. The woman, on her side, + said she worked at a laundry close by. “But they don't want no more hands + there,” she added, in a desponding way. “And you ain't fit for such work + neither. You must try to find something for yourself to-morrow, and if you + can't find nothing, which I don't think you will, come back and sleep with + me. It don't cost much to give you tea, and I ain't owing any rent now, + and it's company for me, so you needn't mind.” + </p> + <p> + After this short conversation they went to bed and to sleep, for they were + both tired. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV + </h2> + <p> + The result of Fan's second day's search for employment proved no more + promising than the first. She wandered about the Westbourne Park district, + going as far west as Ladbroke Grove Road, still avoiding the streets, + gardens, and squares of the larger houses. But she was apparently not good + enough for even the humbler class of dwellings, for no one would so much + as ask her what she could do, or condescend to speak to her, except in one + house, to which she had been directed by a woman in a greengrocer's shop; + there she was scoffingly asked if she had a “character” and decent clothes + to wear. + </p> + <p> + When the woman who had given her shelter on the previous evening returned + at five o'clock from her work, she found Fan in Dudley Grove, for that was + the beautiful name of the slum she lived in, standing, as before, beside + the lamp-post; and after a few words of greeting took her to her room. + While preparing the tea she noticed the girl's weak and starved condition, + for Fan had eaten nothing all day, and went out and presently returned + with a better supply of food—brawn, and salt butter, and a bundle of + water-cress—quite a variety. + </p> + <p> + As on the evening before, they sat for a while by the small fire after + their meal, speaking a few words, and those not very hopeful ones, and + then presently they went to bed, and to sleep as soon as their heads + touched the pillow. After their modest breakfast next morning the woman + said: + </p> + <p> + “Are you going back to your friends to-day?” + </p> + <p> + Fan glanced at her in sudden fear and cast down her eyes. + </p> + <p> + “You was tired and had nothing to eat yesterday, and couldn't git nothing + to do. Didn't it make you wish to go back to them again?” + </p> + <p> + “No, I'll not go back. I've no friends,” said Fan; and then she added + timidly, “You don't want me to come back here no more?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes; you come back if you don't find nothing. The tea and bread ain't + much, and I don't mind it, and it's company to me to have you.” + </p> + <p> + And without more words they went out together, separating in the Harrow + Road. + </p> + <p> + On this morning Fan took a different route, and going south soon found + herself in wide, clean streets, among very big stuccoed and painted + houses. It was useless to seek for anything there, she thought, and yet + presently something happened in this place to put a new hope into her + heart. It was very early, and at some of the houses the cooks or + kitchen-maids were cleaning the doorsteps, and while passing one of these + doors she was accosted by the woman and asked if she would clean the + steps. She consented gladly enough, and received a penny in payment. Then + she remembered that she had often seen poor girls, ill-dressed as herself, + cleaning the steps of large houses, and had heard that the usual payment + was one penny for the task. After walking about for some time she began + timidly ringing the area bells of houses where the steps had not yet been + cleaned, and asking if a girl was wanted to do them. Almost invariably she + was sent away with an emphatic “No!” from a servant angry at being + disturbed; but twice again during that day she received a penny for + step-cleaning, so that she had earned threepence. After midday, finding + she could get no more work, and feeling faint with hunger, she bought a + penny loaf, and going to a shelter facing the fountains in Kensington + Gardens, made her modest dinner, and rested afterwards until it was time + to return to Dudley Grove. + </p> + <p> + In the evening as she sat by the fire after tea she gave an account of her + success, and exhibited the two remaining pence, offering them to the poor + woman who had sheltered her. + </p> + <p> + She only shook her head. “You'll maybe want something to eat to-morrow,” + she said; and presently continued, “Step-cleaning ain't no good. There's + too many at it. And you a growing girl, and always hungry, you'd starve at + it. Saturdays is not bad, because there's many houses where they only + clean the steps once a week, and they has a girl to do it. You might make + sixpence or a shilling on a Saturday. But other days is bad. You can't + live at it. There's nothing you can do to live.” + </p> + <p> + Fan was profoundly discouraged; but thinking over the subject, she + remembered that she had seen other girls out on the same quest as herself + that day, and though all of them had a dirty draggled look, as was natural + considering the nature of the work, some of them, at all events, looked + well-fed, healthy, and not unhappy, and this had made her more hopeful. At + last she said: + </p> + <p> + “If other girls get their living at it, why can't I? If I could make + sixpence a day, couldn't I live on that?” + </p> + <p> + “No, nor yet on ninepence, nor yet on a shilling. You're a tall growing + girl, and you ain't strong, and you are hungry, and want your dinner in + the middle of the day; and if you don't get it, you'll be down ill, and + then what'll you do? You can't do it on sixpence, nor yet on a shilling, + because you've got no home to go to, and must pay for a room; and no one + to find you clothes and shoes, you must buy them. Them girls you see are + stronger than you, and have homes to go to, and don't go about like you to + find steps to clean, but go to the houses they know, where they always + clean the steps. And they don't get only a penny; they get tuppence, and + make a shilling a day—some of them as knows many houses; and on + Saturdays they make more'n three shillings. But you can't do it, because + you don't know nobody, and have no clothes and no home, and there's too + many before you.” + </p> + <p> + It looked as if this poor woman had worked at step-cleaning herself for a + living, she was so pessimistic about it, and appeared to be so very + familiar with the whole subject. People never believe that a fortune is to + be made at any business in which they have been unsuccessful themselves. + </p> + <p> + Fan was discouraged, but there was nothing else for her to do, and it was + hard for her to give up this one chance. + </p> + <p> + “Won't you let me try just a few days?” she asked at length. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, you can try; but it ain't no use, there's so many at it. In a few + days your clothes'll be dropping off you, and then what'll you do? It's + rough work, and not fit for a girl like you. I don't mind, because your + tea don't cost much, and it's company to have you here, as it ain't all + giving, but it's give-and-take like between us.” + </p> + <p> + The same dreary words were repeated evening after evening, when Fan + returned from her daily peregrinations; but still the poor girl hoped + against hope, and clung desperately to the only occupation she had been + able to discover. It was a hard miserable life, and each succeeding day + only seemed to bring her nearer to the disastrous end prophesied by the + mournful laundrywoman of Dudley Grove. How weary she often was with + walking hour after hour, sometimes feeling so famished that she could + hardly refrain from picking up the orange-peels from the street to appease + the cruel pangs of hunger! And when she was more lucky and had steps to + clean, then the wet and grime of the hearthstone made her poor gown more + worn and soiled and evil-looking than ever, while her shoes were in such a + state that it was hard, by much mending every evening, to keep them from + falling to pieces. Every day seemed to bring her nearer to the end, when + she would be compelled to sit down and say “I can do no more—I must + starve”; yet with the little renewal of strength which the evening meal + and drearily-expressed sympathy of her friend and the night's rest would + bring her, she would go forth each morning to wander about for another + day. + </p> + <p> + Ten or twelve days had gone by in this way, and acting on a little + practical advice given by the poor laundrywoman, she had forsaken the + neighbourhood of squares and big houses close to Hyde Park to go further + afield into the district lying west of Westbourne Grove, where the houses + were smaller, and fewer servants were kept in them. + </p> + <p> + About ten o'clock one morning she stopped before a house in Dawson Place, + a wide clean street of pretty detached, moderate-sized houses, each with a + garden in front and a larger garden and trees behind. The house had a trim + well-kept appearance, and five or six broad white steps led up to the + front door, which was painted deep blue. Fan, looking critically at the + steps, could not make out whether they had been already cleaned or not, so + white and clean, yet dry, did they look. And the steps of all the houses + in Dawson Place had the same white look, so that there seemed no chance of + anything for her to do there; but she felt tired already, and stood + resting beside the area gate, not venturing to ring. + </p> + <p> + By-and-by the front door opened and a lady came out and down the steps, + and on reaching the pavement stood still and looked hard at Fan. She was + tall, and had a round shapely figure, a well-developed bust, and looked + about five-and-twenty years old. Fan thought her marvellously beautiful, + but felt a little frightened in her presence, she was so tall and stately, + and her face had such a frowning, haughty expression. Beautiful + women-faces had always had a kind of fascination for her—the gentle, + refined face, on which she would gaze with a secret intense pleasure, and + a longing to hear some loving word addressed to herself from a sister with + sweet lips, so strong that it was like a sharp pain at her heart. The + proud masterful expression of this beautiful face affected her differently—she + feared as well as admired. + </p> + <p> + The lady was fashionably dressed, and wore a long dark blue velvet jacket, + deeply trimmed with brown fur, and under the shadow of a rather broad fur + hat her hair looked very black and glossy; her straight eyebrows were also + black, and her eyes very dark, full and penetrating. Her skin was of that + beautiful rich red colour not often seen in London ladies, and more common + in Ireland than in England. Her features were fine, the nose slightly + aquiline, the red lips less full, and the mouth smaller than is usual in + faces of so luxuriant a type; a shapely, beautiful mouth, which would have + been very sweet but for its trick of looking scornful. + </p> + <p> + “What do you want?” she said in a sharp imperative tone—just the + tone one would have expected from so imperious-looking a dame. + </p> + <p> + “Please, do you want the steps cleaned?” Fan asked very timidly. + </p> + <p> + “No, of course not. What an absurd little goose you must be to ask such a + thing! Servants are kept for such a purpose.” + </p> + <p> + For a few moments Fan still remained standing there, her eyes cast down, + then shyly glanced up at that richly-coloured beautiful face, and + encountered the dark strong eyes intently watching her. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, you may clean them,” said the lady. “When you have finished go down + to the kitchen, and tell the cook to pay you and give you something to + eat.” Then she walked away, but after going about a dozen yards, came back + and sharply rang the area-bell to bring out the cook, and repeated the + order to her. + </p> + <p> + “Very well, ma'am,” said the cook, wiping her hands on her apron; but she + did not return at once to her kitchen, for her mistress was still standing + there watching Fan. + </p> + <p> + “Never mind, cook, you needn't pay her,” said the lady, speaking again. + “Let her wait in the kitchen till I return. I am going to the Grove, and + shall be back in half an hour.” + </p> + <p> + Then she walked away, her head well up, and with that stately bird-like + gait seen in some women. When Fan had finished the steps she went into the + kitchen, and the cook gave her some bread and cheese and a glass of ale, + which revived her and made her more strong and hopeful than she had felt + for many a day. Then she began to wonder what the fine lady was going to + say to her, and whether she would give her twopence instead of the usual + penny. Or perhaps it was intended to present her with an old gown or pair + of boots. Such things had happened, she knew, and the thought that such a + thing might happen again, and to her, made her heart beat fast; and though + it was so pleasant resting there in that bright warm kitchen, she began to + wish for the lady's return, so that her suspense might end. And while she + sat there occupied with her thoughts, the cook, a staid-looking woman of + about forty—the usual age of the London cook—made up her fire + and went about doing a variety of things, taking no notice of her guest. + </p> + <p> + Then the housemaid came running down the stairs singing into the kitchen, + dusting-brush and dust-pan in her hands—a pretty girl with dark + merry bright eyes, and her brown hair worn frizzled on her forehead. + </p> + <p> + “My!” she exclaimed, starting back at seeing Fan. And after surveying her + for some time with a mocking smile playing about the corners of her pretty + ripe mouth, she said, “Is this one of your poor relations, Mrs. Topping?” + </p> + <p> + “No, Rosie; that she ain't. The missus gave her the steps to clean, and + told her to wait here till she got back.” + </p> + <p> + The maid burst into a ringing peal of laughter. “Fancy, Miss Starbrow!” + she exclaimed. “Where do you come from?” she continued, addressing Fan. + “Whitechapel? Seven Dials?” + </p> + <p> + Fan reddened with shame and anger, and refused to reply: stubborn silence + was her only shield against those who scoffed at her extreme poverty; and + that this pretty girl was mocking her she knew very well. Then the maid + sat down and stared at her, and amused herself and fellow-servant with + malicious comments on Fan's dress. + </p> + <p> + “May I ask you, miss, where you got that lovely hat?” she said. “From + Madame Elise? Why, of course, how could I ask! I assure you it is most + charmingly becoming. I shall try to get one like it, but I'm afraid I + can't go beyond six guineas. And your shawl—a Cashmere, I see. A + present from her Majesty, no doubt.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, do be quiet, Rosie; you'll kill me!” cried the cook, overcome with + laughter at such exquisite wit. But Rosie, seeing the effects of it, only + became more lively and satirical, until Fan, goaded beyond endurance, + started up from her seat, determined to make her escape. Fortunately at + that moment the lady of the house returned, and the maid scampered off to + open the door to her. Soon she returned and dropped Fan a mocking curtsey. + “Please follow me this way,” she said. “Miss Starbrow regrets that she has + been detained so long, and is now quite ready to receive you.” + </p> + <p> + Fan followed her up the kitchen stairs to the hall, where Miss Starbrow, + with her hat on as she had come in, stood waiting to see her. She looked + keenly at the girl's flushed and tearful face, and turned to Rosie for an + explanation; but that lively damsel, foreseeing storms, had already + vanished up the stairs. + </p> + <p> + “Has she been teasing you?” said the lady. “Well, never mind, don't think + any more about it. She's an impudent hussy, I know—they all are, and + one has to put up with them. Now sit down here and tell me your name, and + where you live, and all about yourself, and why you go out cleaning steps + for a living.” + </p> + <p> + Then she also sat down and listened patiently, aiding with an occasional + question, while the girl in a timid, hesitating way related the principal + events in her unhappy life. + </p> + <p> + “Poor girl!” was Miss Starbrow's comment when the narrative was finished. + She had drawn off her glove and now took Fan's hand in hers. “How can you + do that hard rough work with such poor thin little hands?” she said. “Let + me look at your eyes again—it is so strange that you should have + such eyes! You don't seem like a child of such people as your parents + were.” + </p> + <p> + Fan glanced timidly at her again, her eyes brightening, a red colour + flushing her pale cheeks, and her lips quivering. + </p> + <p> + “You have an eloquent face—what do you wish to say?” asked the lady. + </p> + <p> + Fan still hesitated. + </p> + <p> + “Trust me, my poor girl, and I shall help you. Then is something in your + mind you would like to say.” + </p> + <p> + Then Fan, losing all fear, said: + </p> + <p> + <i>“He</i> was not my father—the man that married mother. My father + was a gentleman, but I don't know his name.” + </p> + <p> + “I can very well believe it. Especially when I look at your eyes.” + </p> + <p> + “Mother said my eyes were just like my father's,” said Fan, with growing + confidence and a touch of pride. + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps they are like his in one way, my poor girl,” said the other, a + little frown clouding her forehead. “In another way they are very + different, I should think. No one who ever did a cruel thing could have + had that expression in his eyes.” + </p> + <p> + After sitting in silence for some time, still with that frown on her + beautiful face, her eyes resting thoughtfully on the tessellated floor, + she roused herself, and taking out her purse, gave Fan half-a-crown. + </p> + <p> + “Go home now,” she said, “and come again to-morrow at the same hour.” + </p> + <p> + Fan went from the door with a novel sense of happiness filling her heart. + At intervals she took out the half-crown from her pocket to look at it. + What a great broad noble coin it looked to her eyes! It was old—nearly + seventy years old—and the lines on it were blurred, and yet it + seemed wonderfully bright and beautiful to Fan; even the face of George + the Third on it, which had never been called beautiful, now really seemed + so to her. But very soon she ceased thinking about the half-crown and all + that it represented; it was not that which caused the strange happiness in + her heart, but the gentle compassionate words that the proud-looking lady + had spoken to her. Never before had so sweet an experience come to her; + how long it would live in her memory—the strange tender words, the + kindly expression of the eyes, the touch of the soft white hand—to + refresh her like wine in days of hunger and weariness! + </p> + <p> + It was early still in the day, and many hours before she could return to + Dudley Grove; and so she continued roaming about, and found another + doorstep to clean, and received threepence for cleaning it, to her + surprise. With the threepence she bought all the food she required. The + half-crown she would not break into; that must be shown to the poor + washer-woman just as she had received it. When the woman saw it in the + evening she was very much astonished, and expressed the feeling, if it be + not a contradiction to say so, by observing a long profound silence. But + like the famous parrot she “thought the more,” and at length she gave it + as her opinion that the lady intended taking Fan as a servant in her + house. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, do you really think so?” exclaimed Fan, becoming excited at the + prospect of such happiness. And after a while she added, “Then I'll leave + you the half-crown for all you've done for me.” + </p> + <p> + The poor woman would not listen to such a proposal; but next morning she + consented to take charge of it, promising, if Fan should not return, to + use it. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V + </h2> + <p> + Fan did not fail to be at Dawson Place at the time, or a little before the + time, appointed. “Oh, I hope that girl won't open the door when I ring,” + she said to herself, giving the door-bell a little hesitating pull. But + the summons was promptly answered by the undesirable person in question, + and she greeted the visitor with a mocking curtsey. She had little time, + however, in which to make Fan miserable, for Miss Starbrow was quickly on + the scene, looking very gracious and very beautiful in a dark red morning + gown. + </p> + <p> + “Come here and sit down,” she said, placing herself in one hall chair and + making Fan take the other. “Now listen. Would you like to come and live + here as my servant? You are not fit for such a place, I know—at all + events, not at present; and I should not put you with the other servants, + and upstairs you could do nothing. However that does not signify. The + thing is this. If you would like to come and live with me you must stay + here now, and never go back to those places where you have lived, and try + if possible to forget all about them.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh yes, ma'am, I promise!” she replied, trembling with joy at the very + thought of escaping from that life of bitter want and anxiety. + </p> + <p> + “Very well, that's settled then. Come this way with me.” + </p> + <p> + She then led the way to a large bath-room, a few steps above the + first-floor landing. + </p> + <p> + “Now,” she said, “undress yourself, and put all your clothes and hat and + shoes in a bundle in the corner—they are shocking to look at, and + must be taken away—and give yourself a hot bath. See, I am turning + on the water for you. That will be enough. And stay in as long as you + like, or can, and try not only to wash off all the dirt on your skin, but + all thought and recollection of Moon Street and Harrow Road and doorsteps, + and all the foul evil things you have seen and heard in your life; and + when you have washed all that off, Fan, and dried yourself, wrap this + shawl around you, and run into that open room you see facing the bath.” + </p> + <p> + Left to herself, Fan proceeded to obey the instructions she had received. + It was a great luxury to be in that smooth enamelled basin, where she + could lie at full length and move her limbs freely about, experiencing the + delicious sensation of the hot water over her whole body at the same time. + </p> + <p> + In the dressing-room she found her mistress waiting for her. There were + clothes there ready for her, and now, for the first time in her life, she + dressed herself in new, clean, sweet garments, over all a gown of a soft + grey material, loose at the waist, and reaching nearly to the ankles—a + kind of “Maid Marian” costume. There were also black stockings and new + shoes. Everything fitted well, although they had all been made the day + before by guess in Westbourne Grove. + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow made her stand in the middle of the room, and turned her + round, while Fan glanced shyly at her own reflection in the tall + cheval-glass, almost wondering “if this be I.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, that will do well enough for the present,” said her mistress. “But + your hair is all uneven, Fan, and such lovely hair to be spoilt by + barbarous neglect. Let me cut it even for you, and by-and-by we'll find + out how to arrange it. Well, no; just now it looks best hanging loose on + your back. When it grows long again, we'll put it up. Now come here to the + light, and let me, see what you're like. Nearly fifteen years old, and + pale and very thin, poor girl, which makes you look tall. Golden hair, + good features, and a very pure skin for a girl who has lived a grimy life. + And your eyes—don't be afraid to show them, Fan. If you had not + looked at me yesterday with those eyes, I should have thought no more + about you. Long lashes. Eyes grey—yes, grey decidedly, though at + times they look almost sapphire blue; but the pupils are so large—that + is perhaps the secret of their pathetic expression. That will do. You + think it strange, do you not, Fan? that I should take you into my house + and clothe you—a poor homeless girl; for I don't suppose that you + can do anything for me, and you will therefore only be an extra expense. A + great piece of folly, my friends would probably say. But don't be afraid, + I care nothing for what others say. What I do, I do only to please myself, + and not others. If I am disappointed in you, and find you different from + what I imagine, I shall not keep you, and there will be an end of it all. + Now don't look so cast-down; I believe that you are at heart a good, pure, + truthful girl. I think I can see that much in your eyes, Fan. And there + is, after all, something you can do for me—something which few can + do, or do so well, which will be sufficient payment for all I am doing for + you.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, ma'am, will you please tell me what it is?” exclaimed Fan, her voice + trembling with eagerness. + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps you will do it without my telling you, Fan. I shall leave you to + think about it and find out what it is for yourself. I must only tell you + this; I have not taken you into my house because I am charitable and like + doing good to the poor. I am not charitable, and care nothing about the + poor. I have taken you in for my own pleasure; and as I think well of you, + I am going to trust you implicitly. You may stay in this room when I am + out, or go into the back room on this floor, where you can look out on the + garden, and amuse yourself with the books and pictures till I come back. I + am going out now, and at one o'clock Rosie will give you some dinner. Take + no notice of her if she teases you. Mind me, and not the servants—they + are nothing.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow then changed her dress and went out, leaving Fan to her own + devices, wondering what it was that she could do for her mistress, and + feeling a little trouble about the maid who would give her her dinner at + one o'clock; and after a while she went to explore that apartment at the + back Miss Starbrow had spoken of. It was a large room, nearly square, with + cream-coloured walls and dark red dado, and a polished floor, partly + covered with a Turkish carpet; but there was very little furniture in it, + and the atmosphere seemed chill and heavy, for it was the old unrenewed + air of a room that was never used. On a large centre table a number of + artistic objects were lying together in a promiscuous jumble: Japanese + knick-knacks; an ivory card-case that had lost its cover, and a + broken-bladed paper-knife; glove and collar and work-boxes of sandal-wood, + mother-of-pearl, and papier-mâché, with broken hinges; faded fans and + chipped paper-weights; gorgeous picture-books with loosened covers, and a + magnificent portrait-album which had been deflowered and had nothing left + in it but the old and ugly, the commonplace middle-aged, and the vapid + young; with many other things besides, all more or less defective. + </p> + <p> + This round table seemed like an asylum and last resting-place of things + which had never been useful, and had ceased to be ornamental, which were + yet not quite bad enough to be thrown into the dust-bin. To Fan it was a + sort of South Kensington Museum, where she was permitted to handle things + freely, and for some time she continued inspecting these rich treasures, + after which she once more began to glance round the room. Such a stately + room, large enough to shelter two or three families, so richly decorated + with its red and cream colours, yet silent and cold and dusty and + untenanted! On the mantelpiece of grey marble stood a large ornamental + clock, which ticked not and the hands of which were stationary, supported + on each side by bronzes—a stalwart warrior in a coat of mail in the + act of drawing his sword, and a long-haired melancholy minstrel playing on + a guitar. A few landscapes in oil were also hanging on the walls—representations + of that ideal world of green shade and peace which was so often in Fan's + mind. Facing the fireplace stood a tall bookcase, and opening it she + selected a book full of poetry and pictures, and took it to an old sofa, + or couch, to read. The sofa was under the large window, which had panes of + coloured glass, and remembering that Miss Starbrow had told her that it + looked on to the garden, she got on to the sofa and pushed the heavy sash + up. + </p> + <p> + There was a good-sized garden without, and trees in it—poplar, lime, + and thorn, now nearly leafless; but it was very pleasant to see them and + to feel the mild autumn air on her face, so pleasant that Fan thought no + more about her book. Ivy grew in abundance against the walls of the + garden, and there were laurel and other evergreen shrubs in it, and a few + China asters—white, red, and purple—still blooming. No sound + came to her at that quiet back window, except the loud glad chirruping of + the sparrows that had their home there. How still and peaceful it seemed! + The pale October sunshine—pale, but never had sunshine seemed so + divine, so like a glory shining on earth from the far heavenly throne—fell + lighting up the dark leaves of ivy and laurel, stiff and green and + motionless as if cut out of malachite, and the splendid red and purple + shields of the asters; and filling the little dun-coloured birds with such + joy that their loud chirping grew to a kind of ringing melody. + </p> + <p> + Oh, that dark forsaken room in Moon Street, full of bitter memories of + miserable years! Oh, poor dead mother lying for ever silent and cold in + the dark earth! Oh, poor world-weary woman in Dudley Grove, and all the + countless thousands that lived toiling, hungry, hopeless lives in squalid + London tenements—why had she, Fan, been so favoured as to be carried + away from it all into this sweet restful place? Why—why? Then, even + while she asked, wondering, thinking that it was all like a strange + beautiful dream, unable yet to realise it, suddenly as by inspiration the + meaning of the words Miss Starbrow had spoken to her flashed into her + mind; and the thought made her tremble, the blood rushed to her face, and + she felt her eyes growing dim with tears of joy. Was it true, could it be + true, that this proud, beautiful lady—how much more beautiful now to + Fan's mind than all other women!—really loved her, and that to be + loved was all she desired in return? She was on her knees on the sofa, her + arms resting on the window-sill, and forgetful now of the sunshine and + leaves and flowers, and of the birds on the brown twigs talking together + in their glad ringing language, she closed her eyes and resigned herself + wholly to this delicious thought. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, here you are, sly little cat! Who said you might come into this + room?” + </p> + <p> + Fan, starting up in alarm, found herself confronted with the pretty + housemaid. But the pretty eyes were sparkling vindictively, the breath + coming short and quick, and the pretty face was white with resentment. + </p> + <p> + “The lady told me to come here,” returned Fan, still a little frightened. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, did she! and pray what else did she tell you? And don't lie, because + I shall find you out if you do.” + </p> + <p> + Fan was silent. + </p> + <p> + “You won't speak, you little sneak! When your mistress is out you must + mind <i>me</i>—do you hear? Go instantly and take your filthy rags + to the dust-bin, and ask cook for a bottle of carbolic acid to throw over + them. We don't want any of your nasty infectious fevers brought here, if + you please.” + </p> + <p> + Fan hesitated a few moments, and then replied, “I'll only do what the lady + tells me.” + </p> + <p> + “You'll only do what the lady tells you!” she repeated, with a mocking + whine. Then, in unconscious imitation of the scornful caterpillar in the + wonderful story of Alice, she added, “You! And who are <i>you</i>! Shall I + tell you what you are? A filthy, ragged little beggar picked out of the + gutter, a sneaking area thief, put into the house for a spy! You vile cat, + you! A starving mangy cur! Yes, I'll give you your dinner; I'll feed you + on swill and dog-biscuits, and that's better than you ever had in your + life. You, a diseased, pasty-faced little street-walker, too bad even for + the slums, to keep you, to be dressed up and waited on by respectable + servants! How dare you come into this house! I'd like to wring your + miserable sick-chicken's neck for you!” + </p> + <p> + She was in a boiling rage, and stamped her foot and poured out her words + so rapidly that they almost ran into each other; but Fan's whole previous + life had served to make her indifferent to hard words, however unjust, and + the housemaid's torrent of abuse had not the least effect. + </p> + <p> + Rosie, on her side, finding that her rage was wasted, sat down to recover + herself, and then began to jeer at her victim, criticising her appearance, + and asking her for the cast-off garments—“for which your la'ship + will have no further use.” Finding that her ridicule was received in the + same silent passive way, she became more demonstrative. “Somebody's been + trimming you,” she said. “I s'pose Miss Starbrow was your barber—a + nice thing for a lady! Well, I never! But there's one thing she forgot. + Here's a pair of scissors. Now, little sick monkey, sit still while I trim + your eyelashes. It'll be a great improvement, I'm sure. Oh, you won't! + Well, then I'll soon make you.” And putting the pair of small scissors + between her lips, she seized Fan by the arms and tried to force her down + on the sofa. Fan resisted silently and with all her strength, but her + strength was by no means equal to Rosie's, and after a desperate struggle + she was overcome and thrown on to the couch. + </p> + <p> + “Now, will you be quiet and let me trim you!” said the maid. + </p> + <p> + “No.” + </p> + <p> + In speaking, Rosie had dropped the scissors from her mouth, and not being + able to use her hands occupied in holding her victim down, she could do + nothing worse than make faces, thrust out her tongue, and finally spit at + Fan. Then she thought of something better. “If you won't be quiet and let + me trim you,” she said, “I'll pinch your arms till they're black and + blue.” + </p> + <p> + No reply being given, she proceeded to carry out her threat, and Fan set + her teeth together and turned her face away to hide the tears. At length + the other, tired of the struggle, released her. Fan bared her arm, + displaying a large discoloration, and moistened it with her mouth to + soothe the pain. She had a good deal of experience in bruises. “It'll be + black by-and-by,” she said, “and I'll show it to the lady when she comes + back.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you'll show it to her, you little tell-tale sneak! Then I'll be even + with you and put rat's-bane in your dinner.” + </p> + <p> + “Why don't you leave me alone, then?” said Fan. + </p> + <p> + Rosie considered for some time, and finally said, “I'll leave you alone if + you'll tell me what you are here for—everything about yourself, + mind, and no lies; and what Miss Starbrow is going to do with you.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't know, and I sha'n't say a word more,” returned Fan, whereupon + Rosie slapped her face and ran out of the room. + </p> + <p> + In spite of the rough handling she had been subjected to, and the pain in + her arm, Fan very soon recovered her composure. Her happiness was too + great to be spoiled by so small a matter, and very soon she returned to + her place at the open window and to her pleasant thoughts. + </p> + <p> + About midday the maid came again bringing a tray. “Here's your food, + starved puppy; lap it up, and may it choke you,” she said, and left the + room. + </p> + <p> + After she had been gone a few minutes, Fan, beginning to feel hungry, went + to the table, and found a plate of stewed meat and vegetables, with bread + and cheese, and a glass of ale. But over it all Rosie had carefully + sprinkled ashes, and had also dropped a few pinches into the ale, making + it thick and muddy. Now, although on any previous day of her hungry + orphaned existence she would have wiped off the ashes and eaten the food, + on this occasion she determined not to touch it. Her new surroundings and + dress, and the thought that she was no longer without someone to care for + her, had served to inspire in her a pride which was stronger than hunger. + Presently she noticed that the door had a key to it, and in her + indignation at the maid's persecution she ran and locked it, resolved to + let the dinner remain there untasted until Miss Starbrow should return. + </p> + <p> + Presently Rosie came back, and finding the door locked, began knocking and + calling. “Open, you cat!” she cried. “I must take the things down, now + you've gobbled up your pig's food. Open, you spiteful little devil!” + </p> + <p> + “I haven't touched the dinner, and I sha'n't open the door till the lady + comes,” she answered, and would say no more. + </p> + <p> + After a good deal more abuse, Rosie in despair went away; but presently + the cook came up, and Fan opened to her. She had a second supply of food + and beer, without any ashes in it this time, and put it on the table. + “Now, have your dinner, miss,” she said, with mock humility. She was + taking away the first tray, but at the door she paused and, looking back, + said, “You won't say nothing to the missus, will you, miss?” + </p> + <p> + “If she'll let me be I'll not say anything,” said Fan. + </p> + <p> + “Very well, miss, she won't trouble you no more. But, lors, she don't mean + no harm; it's only her little funny ways.” And having thus explained and + smoothed matters over, she went off to the kitchen. + </p> + <p> + About five o'clock Miss Starbrow came in and found Fan still sitting by + the open window in the darkening room. + </p> + <p> + “Why, my poor girl, you must be half frozen,” she said, coming to the + sofa. + </p> + <p> + But how little Fan felt the chill evening air, when she started up at the + kind greeting, her eyes brightening and her face flushing with that + strange new happiness now warming her blood and making her heart beat + quick! + </p> + <p> + “Oh no, ma'am, I'm not a bit cold,” she said. + </p> + <p> + The other pulled off her glove and touched the girl's cheek with her + fingers. + </p> + <p> + “Your skin feels cold enough, anyhow,” she returned. “Come into my room; + it is warmer there.” + </p> + <p> + Fan followed into the adjoining large bedroom, where a bright fire was + burning in the grate; and Miss Starbrow, taking off her hat and cloak, sat + down. After regarding the girl for some time in silence, she said with a + little laugh, “What can I do with you, Fan?” + </p> + <p> + Fan was troubled at this, and glanced anxiously at the other's face, only + to drop her eyes abashed again; but at last, plucking up a little courage, + she said: + </p> + <p> + “Will you please let me do something in the house, ma'am?” And after a few + moments she added, “I wish I could do something, and—and be your + servant.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow laughed again, and then frowned a little and sat silent for + some time. + </p> + <p> + “The fact is,” she said at length, “now that you are here I don't quite + know what to do with you. However, that doesn't signify. I took you for my + own pleasure, and it doesn't make much difference to have you in the + house, and if it did I shouldn't care. But you must look after yourself + for the present, as I have just got rid of one servant and there are only + two to do everything. They are anxious for me not to engage a third just + now, and prefer to do all the work themselves, which means, I suppose, + that there will be more plunder to divide between them.” + </p> + <p> + “And can't I help, ma'am?” said Fan, whose last words had not yet been + answered. + </p> + <p> + “I fancy you would look out of place doing housework,” said Miss Starbrow. + “It strikes me that you are not suited for that sort of thing. If it + hadn't been so, I shouldn't have noticed you. The only way in which I + should care to employ you would be as lady's-maid, and for that you are + unfit. Perhaps I shall have you taught needlework and that kind of thing + by-and-by, but I am not going to bother about it just now. For the present + we must jog along just how we can, and you must try to make yourself as + happy as you can by yourself.” + </p> + <p> + Just then the housemaid came up with tea for her mistress. + </p> + <p> + “Get me another cup—a large one, and some more bread-and-butter,” + said Miss Starbrow. + </p> + <p> + “The young person's tea is in the back room, ma'am,” returned Rosie, with + a tremor in her voice. + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow looked at her, but without speaking; the maid instantly + retired to obey the order, and when she set the cup and plate of + bread-and-butter on the tray her hand trembled, while her mistress, with a + slight smile on her lips, watched her face, white with suppressed rage. + </p> + <p> + After tea, during which Miss Starbrow had been strangely kind and gentle + to the girl, she said: + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps you can help me take off my dress, Fan, and comb out my hair.” + </p> + <p> + This was strange work for Fan, but her intense desire to do something for + her mistress partly compensated for her ignorance and awkwardness, and + after a little while she found that combing those long rich black tresses + was an easy and very delightful task. Miss Starbrow sat with eyes + half-closed before the glass, only speaking once or twice to tell Fan not + to hurry. + </p> + <p> + “The longer you are with my hair the better I like it,” she said. + </p> + <p> + Fan was only too glad to prolong the task; it was such a pleasure to feel + the hair of this woman who was now so much to her; if the glass had not + been before them—the glass in which from time to time she saw the + half-closed eyes studying her face—she would more than once have + touched the dark tresses she held in her hand to her lips. + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow, however, spoke no more to her, but finishing her dressing + went down to her seven o'clock dinner, leaving Fan alone by the fire. + After dinner she came up again and sat by the bedroom fire in the dark + room. Then Rosie came up to her. + </p> + <p> + “Captain Horton is in the drawing-room, ma'am,” she said. + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow rose to go to her visitor. + </p> + <p> + “You can stay where you are, Fan, until bed-time,” she said. “And + by-and-by the maid will give you some supper in the back room. Is Rosie + impudent to you—how has she been treating you to-day?” + </p> + <p> + Fan was filled with distress, remembering her promise, and cast down her + eyes. + </p> + <p> + “Very well, say nothing; that's the best way, Fan. Take no notice of what + anyone says to you. Servants are always vile, spiteful creatures, and will + act after their kind. Good-night, my girl,” and with that she went + downstairs. + </p> + <p> + Fan sat there for half an hour longer in the grateful twilight and warmth + of that luxurious room, and then Rosie's voice startled her crying at the + door: + </p> + <p> + “Doggie! doggie! come and have its supper.” + </p> + <p> + Fan got up and went to the next room, where her supper and a lighted lamp + were on the centre table. Rosie followed her. + </p> + <p> + “Can you tell the truth?” she said. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” returned Fan. + </p> + <p> + “Well, then, have you told Miss Starbrow?” + </p> + <p> + “No.” + </p> + <p> + “Did she ask you anything?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, and I didn't tell her.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, how very kind!” said Rosie; and giving her a box on the ear, ran out + of the room. + </p> + <p> + Not much hurt, and not caring much, Fan sat down to her supper. Returning + to the bedroom she heard the sound of the piano, and paused on the landing + to listen. Then a fine baritone voice began singing, and was succeeded by + a woman's voice, a rich contralto, for they were singing a duet; and voice + following voice, and anon mingling in passionate harmony, the song floated + out loud from the open door, and rose and seemed to fill the whole house, + while Fan stood there listening, trembling with joy at the sound. + </p> + <p> + The singing and playing continued for upwards of an hour, and Fan still + kept her place, until the maid came up with a candle to show her to her + bedroom. They went up together to the next floor into a small + neatly-furnished room which had been prepared for her. + </p> + <p> + “Here's your room,” said Rosie, setting down the candle on the table, “and + now I'm going to give you a good spanking before you go to bed.” + </p> + <p> + “If you touch me again I'll scream and tell Miss Starbrow everything,” + said Fan, plucking up a spirit. + </p> + <p> + Rosie shut and locked the door. “Now you can scream your loudest, cat, and + she'll not hear a sound.” + </p> + <p> + For a few moments Fan did not know what to do to save herself; then all at + once the memory of some old violent wrangle came to her aid, and springing + forward she blew out the candle and softly retreated to a corner of the + room, where she remained silent and expectant. + </p> + <p> + “You little wretch!” exclaimed the other. “Speak, or I'll kill you!” But + there was no answer. For some time Rosie stumbled about until she found + the door, and after some jeering words retreated downstairs, leaving Fan + in the dark. + </p> + <p> + She had defeated her enemy this time, and quickly locking the door, went + to bed without a light. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI + </h2> + <p> + The next few days, although very sweet and full to Fan, were uneventful; + then, early on a Wednesday evening, once more Miss Starbrow made her sit + with her at her bedroom fire and talked to her for a long time. + </p> + <p> + “What did you tell me your name is?” she asked. + </p> + <p> + “Frances Harrod.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't like it. I call it <i>horrid</i>. It was only your stepfather's + name according to your account, and I must find you a different one. Do + you know what your mother's name was—before she married, I mean?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh yes, ma'am; it was Margaret Affleck.” + </p> + <p> + “Affleck. It is not common and not ugly. Frances Affleck—that sounds + better. Yes, that will do; your name, as long as you live with me, shall + be Affleck; you must not forget that.” + </p> + <p> + “No, ma'am,” Fan replied humbly. But she had some doubts, and after a + while said, “But can you change my name, ma'am?” + </p> + <p> + “Change your name! Why, of course I can. It is just as easy to do that as + to give you a new dress; easier in fact. And what do you know, Fan? What + did they teach you at the Board School? Reading, I suppose; very well, + take this book and read to me.” + </p> + <p> + She took the book, but felt strangely nervous at this unexpected call to + display her accomplishments, and began hurriedly reading in a low voice. + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow laughed. + </p> + <p> + “I can't stand that, Fan,” she said. “You might be gabbling Dutch or + Hindustani. And you are running on without a single pause. Even a bee + hovering about the flowers has an occasional comma, or colon, or full stop + in its humming. Try once more, but not so fast and a little louder.” + </p> + <p> + The good-humoured tone in which she spoke served to reassure Fan; and + knowing that she could do better, and getting over her nervousness, she + began again, and this time Miss Starbrow let her finish the page. + </p> + <p> + “You <i>can</i> read, I find. Better, I think, than any of the maids I + have had. You have a very nice expressive voice, and you will do better + when you read a book through from the beginning, and feel interested in + it. I shall let you read every day to me. What else did you learn—writing?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, ma'am, I always got a high mark for that. And we had Scripture + lessons, and grammar, and composition, and arithmetic, and geography; and + when I was in the fifth form I had history and drawing.” + </p> + <p> + “History and drawing—well, what next, I wonder! That's what we are + taxed a shilling in the pound for, to give education to a—well, + never mind. But can you really draw, Fan? Here's pencil and paper, just + draw something for me.” + </p> + <p> + “What shall I draw, ma'am?” she said, taking the pencil and feeling + nervous again. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, anything you like.” + </p> + <p> + Now it happened that her drawing lessons had always given her more + pleasure than anything else at school, but owing to Joe Harrod's having + taken her away as soon as he was allowed to do so, they had not continued + long. Still, even in a short time she had made some progress; and even + after leaving school she had continued to find a mournful pleasure in + depicting leaf and flower forms. Left to choose her own subject, she + naturally began sketching a flower—a-rosebud, half-open, with + leaves. + </p> + <p> + “Don't hurry, Fan, as you did with your reading. The slower you are the + better it will be,” said Miss Starbrow, taking up a volume and beginning + to read, or pretending to read, for her eyes were on the face of the girl + most of the time. + </p> + <p> + Fan, happily unconscious of the other's regard, gave eight or ten minutes + to her drawing, and then Miss Starbrow took it in her hands to examine it. + </p> + <p> + “This is really very well done,” she said, “but what in goodness' name did + they teach you drawing for!' What would be the use of it after leaving + school? Well, yes, it might be useful in one way. It astonishes me to + think how you were trying to live, Fan. You were certainly not fit for + that hard rough work, and would have starved at it. You were made, body + and mind, in a more delicate mould, and for something better. I think that + with all you have learnt at school, and with your appearance, especially + with those truthful eyes of yours and that sweet voice, you might have got + a place as nursery governess, to teach small children, or something of + that sort. Why did you go starving about the streets, Fan?” + </p> + <p> + “But no one would take me with such clothes, ma'am. They wouldn't look at + me or speak to me even in the little shops where I went to ask for work.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow uttered a curious little laugh. + </p> + <p> + “What a strange thing it seems,” she said, “that a few shillings to buy + decent clothes may alter a person's destiny. With the shillings—about + as many as the man of God pays for his sirloin—shelter from the + weather and temptations to evil, three meals a day, a long pleasant life, + husband and children, perhaps, and at last—Heaven. And without them, + rags and starvation and the streets, and—well, this is a question + for the mighty intellect of a man and a theologian, not for mine. I dare + say you don't know what I'm talking about, Fan?” + </p> + <p> + “Not all, ma'am, but I think I understand a little.” + </p> + <p> + “Very little, I should think. Don't try to understand too much, my poor + girl. Perhaps before you are eighty, if you live so long, you will + discover that you didn't even understand a little. Ah, Fan, you have been + sadly cheated by destiny! Childhood without joy, and girlhood without + hope. I wish I could give you happiness to make up for it all, but I can't + be Providence to anyone.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, ma'am, you have made me so happy!” exclaimed Fan, the tears springing + to her eyes. + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow frowned a little and turned her face aside. Then she said: + </p> + <p> + “Just because I fed and dressed and sheltered you, Fan—does + happiness come so easily to you?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh no, ma'am, not that—it isn't that,” with such keen distress that + she could scarcely speak without a sob. + </p> + <p> + “How then have I made you happy? Will you not answer me? I took you + because I believed that you would trust me, and always speak openly from + your heart, and hide nothing.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, ma'am, I'm afraid to say it. I was so happy because I thought—because—” + and here she sunk her voice to a trembling whisper—“I thought that + you loved me.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow put her arm round the girl's waist and drew her against her + knees. + </p> + <p> + “Your instinct was not at fault, Fan,” she said in a caressing tone. “I <i>do</i> + love you, and loved you when I saw you in your rags, and it pained my + heart when I told you to clean my doorsteps as if you had been my sister. + No, not a sister, but something better and sweeter; my sisters I do not + love at all. And do you know now what I meant, Fan, when I said that there + was something you could do for me?” + </p> + <p> + “I think I know,” returned Fan, still troubled in her mind and anxious. + “It was that made me feel so happy. I thought—that you wanted me to + love you.” + </p> + <p> + “You are right, my dear girl; I think that I made no mistake when I took + you in.” + </p> + <p> + On that evening Fan had tea with her mistress, and afterwards, earlier + than usual, was allowed to comb her hair out—a task which gave her + the greatest delight. Miss Starbrow then put on an evening dress, which + Fan now saw for the first time, and was filled with wonder at its richness + and beauty. It was of saffron-coloured silk, trimmed with black lace; but + she wore no ornaments with it, except gold bracelets on her round shapely + arms. + </p> + <p> + “What makes you stare so, Fan?” she said with a laugh, as she stood + surveying herself in the tall glass, and fastening the bracelets on. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, ma'am, you do look so beautiful in that dress! Are you going to the + theatre to-night?” + </p> + <p> + “No, Fan. On Wednesday evenings I always have a number of friends come in + to see me—all gentlemen. I have very few lady friends, and care very + little for them. And, now I think of it, you can sit up to-night until I + tell you to go to bed.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow was moving towards the door. Then she paused, and finally + came back and sat down again, and drew Fan against her knee as before. + </p> + <p> + “Fan,” she said, “when you speak about me to others, and to me in the + presence of others, or of the servants, call me Miss Starbrow. I don't + like to hear you call me ma'am, it wounds my ear. Do you understand?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes—Miss Starbrow.” + </p> + <p> + “But when we are alone together, as we are now, let me hear you call me + Mary. That's my Christian name, and I should like to hear you speak it. + Will you remember?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes”; and then from her lips trembled the name “Mary.” + </p> + <p> + “It sounds very loving and sweet,” said the other, and, drawing the girl + closer, for the first time she kissed her. + </p> + <p> + With the memory of those tender words and the blissful sensation left by + that unexpected kiss, Fan spent the evening alone, hearing, after her + supper, the arrival of visitors, and the sound of conversation and + laughter from the drawing-room, and then music and singing. Later in the + evening the guests went to sup into the dining-room, and there they stayed + playing cards until eleven o'clock or later, when she heard them leaving + the house. + </p> + <p> + They were not all gone, however; three of Miss Starbrow's intimate friends + still lingered, drinking whisky-and-water and talking. There was Captain + Horton—captain by courtesy, since he was no longer in the army—a + tall, fine-looking man, slightly horsy in his get-up, with a very large + red moustache, reddish-brown hair, and keen blue eyes. He wore a cut-away + coat, and was standing on the hearthrug, his hands thrust into his + trousers pockets, and smiling as he talked to a young clerical gentleman + near him—the Rev. Octavius Brown. The Rev. Octavius was curate of a + neighbouring ritualistic church, but in his life he was not ascetic; he + loved whisky-and-water not wisely but too well, and he was passionately + devoted to the noble game of Napoleon. Mr. Brown had just won seven + shillings, and was in very high spirits; for being poor he had a great + dread of losing, and played carefully for very small stakes, and seldom + won more than half-a-crown or three shillings. At some distance from them + a young gentleman reclined in an easy-chair, smoking a cigarette, and + apparently not listening to their conversation. This was Mr. Merton + Chance, clerk in the Foreign Office, and supposed by his friends to be + extremely talented. He was rather slight but well-formed, a little under + the medium height, clean shaved, handsome, colourless as marble, with + black hair and dark blue eyes that looked black. + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow, who had left the room a few minutes before, came in, and + standing by the table listened to the curate. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Starbrow,” said he, appealing to her, “is it not hard? Captain + Horton either doubts my veracity or believes that I am only joking when I + assure him that what I have just told him is plain truth.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, let me hear the whole story,” she replied, “and I'll act as + umpire.” + </p> + <p> + “I couldn't wish for a juster one—nor for a fairer,” he replied with + a weak smile. “What I said was that I had once attended a dinner to the + clergy in Yorkshire, at which there were sixteen of us present, and the + surnames of all were names of things—objects or offices or something—connected + with a church.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, what were the names?” + </p> + <p> + “You see he remembers only one—a Mr. Church,” said Captain Horton. + </p> + <p> + “No, pardon me. A Mr. Church, and a Mr. Bishop, and a Mr. Priest, and a + Mr. Cross, and—and oh, yes, Mr. Bell.” + </p> + <p> + “Five of your sixteen,” said Captain Horton, checking them off on his + fingers. + </p> + <p> + “And a Mr. Graves, and a Mr. Sexton, and—and—of course, I + can't remember all the names now. Can you expect it, Miss Starbrow?” + </p> + <p> + “No, of course not; but you have only named seven. If you can remember ten + I shall decide in your favour.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you. There was a Mr. Church—” + </p> + <p> + “No, no, old man, we've had that already,” cried the Captain. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Tombs,” he continued, and fell again to thinking. + </p> + <p> + “That makes eight,” said Miss Starbrow. “Cheer up, Mr. Brown, you'll soon + remember two others.” + </p> + <p> + “Your own name makes nine, Mr. Brown,” broke in Mr. Chance, “only I can't + make out what connection it has with a church.” + </p> + <p> + The other two laughed. + </p> + <p> + “I'm afraid it looks very bad for you,” said Miss Starbrow. + </p> + <p> + “No, no, Miss Starbrow, please don't think that. Wait a minute and let me + see if I can remember how that was,” said the poor curate. “I <i>think</i> + I said that all present at the table except myself—” + </p> + <p> + “No, there was no exception,” interrupted Captain Horton. “Now, if you + sixteen fellows had been Catholic priests instead of in the Established + Church, and you were Scarlett by name instead of Brown—” + </p> + <p> + “Don't say any more—please!” cried the curate, lifting his hand. + “You are going too far, Captain Horton. I like a little innocent fun well + enough, but I draw the line at sacred subjects. Let us drop the subject.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yes, of course, that's a good way of getting out of it. And as for + jesting about sacred matters, I always understood that one couldn't prove + his zeal for Protestantism better than by having a shot at the Roman + business.” + </p> + <p> + “I am happy to say that I do not class myself with Prots,” said the + curate, getting up from his chair very carefully, and then consulting his + watch. “I must run away now—” + </p> + <p> + “You can't do it,” interrupted the Captain. + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow laughed. “Don't go just yet, Mr. Brown,” she said. “I wish + you all to help me with your advice, or with an opinion at least. You know + that I have taken in a young girl, and I have not yet decided what to do + with her. I shall call her down for you to see her, as you are all three + my very candid friends, and you shall tell me what you think of her + appearance.” + </p> + <p> + She then opened the door and called Fan down, and the poor girl was + brought into the neighbourhood of the three gentlemen, and stood with eyes + cast down, her pale face reddening with shame to find herself the centre + of so much curiosity. + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow glanced at the Captain, who was keenly studying Fan's face, + as he stood before the fire, stroking his red moustache. + </p> + <p> + “Well, if I'm to give a candid opinion,” he said, “all I can say is that + she looks an underfed little monkey.” + </p> + <p> + “I think you are excessively rude!” returned Miss Starbrow, firing up. + “She is too young to feel your words, perhaps, but they are nothing less + than insulting to my judgment.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, confound it, Pollie, you are always flying out at me! I dare say + she's a good girl—she looks it, but if you want me to say that she's + good-looking, I can't be such a hypocrite even to please you.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow flashed a keen glance at him, and then without replying + turned to Mr. Brown. + </p> + <p> + “Really—honestly, Miss Starbrow,” he said, “you couldn't have + selected a more charming-looking girl. But your judgment is always—well, + just what it should be; that goes without saying.” + </p> + <p> + She turned impatiently from him and looked at Mr. Chance, still gracefully + reclining in his chair. + </p> + <p> + “Is my poor opinion really worth anything to you?” he said, and rising he + walked over to the girl and touched her hand, which made her start a + little. “I wish to see your eyes—won't you look at me?” He spoke + very gently. + </p> + <p> + Fan glanced up into his face for a moment. + </p> + <p> + “Thank you—just what I thought,” said he, returning to his seat. + </p> + <p> + “Well?” said Miss Starbrow. + </p> + <p> + “Must I put it in words—those poor symbols?” he returned. “I know so + well that you can understand without them.” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps I might if I tried very hard, but I choose not to try,” she + replied, with a slight toss of her head. + </p> + <p> + “It is a pleasure to obey; but the poor girl looks nervous and + uncomfortable, and would be so glad <i>not</i> to hear my personal + remarks.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh yes, it was thoughtless of me to keep her here—thanks for + reminding me,” said Miss Starbrow, with a strange softening of her voice + her friends were not accustomed to hear. “Run up to your room, Fan, and go + to bed. I'm sorry I've kept you up so late, poor child.” + </p> + <p> + And Fan, with a grateful look towards Mr. Chance, left the room gladly + enough. + </p> + <p> + “When she first came into the room I wondered what had attracted you,” + said Mr. Chance. “I concluded that it must be something under those long + drooping eyelashes, and when I looked there I found out the secret.” + </p> + <p> + “Intelligent eyes—very intelligent eyes—I noticed that also,” + said Mr. Brown. + </p> + <p> + “Oh no, heaven forbid—I did not mean anything of the kind,” said Mr. + Chance. “Intelligence is a masculine quality which I do not love to see in + a woman: it is suitable for us, like a rough skin and—moustachios,” + with a glance at Captain Horton, and touching his own clean-shaven upper + lip. “The more delicate female organism has something finer and higher + than intelligence, which however serves the same purpose—and other + purposes besides.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't quite follow you,” said the curate, again preparing to take his + leave. “I dare say it's all plain enough to some minds, but—well, + Mr. Chance, you'll forgive me for saying that when you talk that way I + don't know whether I'm standing on my head or my heels.” + </p> + <p> + “Naturally, you wouldn't,” said Captain Horton, with a mocking smile. “But + don't go yet, Brown; have some more whisky-and-water.” + </p> + <p> + “No, thanks, no more. I never exceed two or three glasses, you know. Thank + you, my dear Miss Starbrow, for a most delightful evening.” And after + shaking hands he made his way to the door, bestowing a kindly touch on + each chair in passing, and appearing greatly relieved when he reached the + hall. + </p> + <p> + Captain Horton lit a cigarette and threw himself into an easy-chair. Mr. + Chance lit another cigarette; if the other was an idle man, he (Chance) + was in the Foreign Office, and privileged to sit up as late as he liked. + </p> + <p> + “On the whole,” he said in a meditative way, “I am inclined to think that + Brown is a rather clever fellow.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow laughed: she was still standing. “You two appear to be + taking it very quietly,” she said. “It is one o'clock—why will you + compel me to be rude?” + </p> + <p> + Then they started up, put on their coats, exchanged a few words at the + door with their hostess, and walked down the street together. Presently a + hansom came rattling along the quiet street. + </p> + <p> + “Keb, sir?” came the inevitable question, in a tone sharp as a whip-crack, + as the driver pulled up near the kerb. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, two cabs,” said Captain Horton. “I'll toss you for the first, + Chance”; and pulling out a florin he sent it spinning up and deftly caught + it as it fell. “Heads or tails?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, take it yourself, and I'll find another.” + </p> + <p> + “No, no, fair play,” insisted the Captain. + </p> + <p> + “Very well then, heads.” + </p> + <p> + “Tails!” cried the other, opening his hand. “Goodnight, old man, you're + sure to find one in another minute. Oxford Terrace,” he cried to the + driver, jumping in. And the cabman, who had watched the proceedings with + the deep interest and approval of a true sporting man, shook the reins, + flicked the horse's ears with his whip, clicked with his tongue, and drove + rapidly away. + </p> + <p> + Left to himself, Mr. Chance sauntered on in no hurry to get home, and + finally stood still at a street corner, evidently pondering some matter of + considerable import to him. “By heaven, I'm more than half resolved to try + it!” he exclaimed at last. And after a little further reflection, he + added, “And I shall— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “He either fears his fate too much, + Or his deserts are small, + Who dares not put it to the touch + To win or lose it all.” + </pre> + <p> + Then he turned and walked deliberately back to Dawson Place: coming to the + house which he had lately quitted, he peered anxiously at windows and + doors, and presently caught sight of a faint reflection from burning gas + or candle within on the fanlight over the street door, which, he + conjectured, came from the open dining-room. + </p> + <p> + “Fortune favours me,” he said to himself. “'Faint heart never won fair + lady.' A happy inspiration, I am beginning to think. Losing that toss will + perhaps result in my winning a higher stake. There's a good deal of dash + and devilry in that infernal blackguard Horton, and doubtless that is why + he has made some progress here. Well then, she ought to appreciate my + spirit in coming to her at this time of night, or morning, rather. There's + a wild, primitive strain in her; she's not to be wooed and won in the + usual silly mawkish way. More like one of the old Sabine women, who liked + nothing better than being knocked down and dragged off by their future + lords. I suppose that a female of that antique type of mind can be knocked + down and taken captive, as it were, with good vigorous words, just as + formerly they were knocked down with the fist or the butt end of a spear.” + </p> + <p> + His action was scarcely in keeping with the daring, resolute spirit of his + language: instead of seizing the knocker and demanding admittance with + thunderous racket, he went cautiously up the steps, rapped softly on the + door with his knuckles, and then anxiously waited the result of his modest + summons. + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow was in the dining-room, and heard the tapping. Her servants + had been in bed two hours; and after the departure of her late guests she + had turned off the gas at the chandelier, and was leaving the room, when + seeing a <i>Globe</i>, left by one of her visitors, she took it up to + glance at the evening's news. Something she found in the paper interested + her, and she continued reading until that subdued knocking attracted her + attention. Taking up her candle she went to the door and unfastened it, + but without letting down the chain. Her visitor hurriedly whispered his + name, and asked to be admitted for a few minutes, as he had something very + important to communicate. + </p> + <p> + She took down the chain and allowed him to come into the hall. “Why have + you come back?” she demanded in some alarm. “Where is Captain Horton?—you + left together.” + </p> + <p> + “He went home in the first cab we found. We tossed for it, and he won, for + which I thank the gods. Then, acting on the impulse of the moment, I came + back to say something to you. A very unusual—very eccentric thing to + do, no doubt. But when something involving great issues has to be done or + said, I think the best plan is <i>not</i> to wait for a favourable + opportunity. Don't you agree with me?” + </p> + <p> + “I don't understand you, Mr. Chance, and am therefore unable to agree with + you. I hope you are not going to keep me standing here much longer.” + </p> + <p> + “Not for a moment! But will you not let me come inside to say the few + words I have to say?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh yes, you may come in,” she returned not very graciously, and leading + the way to the dining-room, where decanters, tumblers, and cards scattered + about the table, seen by the dim light of one candle, gave it a somewhat + disreputable appearance. “What do you wish to say to me?” she asked a + little impatiently, and seating herself. + </p> + <p> + He took a chair near her. “You are a little unkind to hurry me in this + way,” he said, trying to smile, “since you compel me to put my request in + very plain blunt language. However, that is perhaps the best plan. Twice I + have come to you intending to speak, and have been baffled by fate—” + </p> + <p> + “Then you might have written, or telegraphed,” she interrupted, “if the + matter was so important.” + </p> + <p> + “Not very well,” he returned, growing very serious. “You know that as well + as I do. You must know, dear Miss Starbrow, that I have admired you for a + long time. Perhaps you also know that I love you. Miss Starbrow, will you + be my wife and make me happy?” + </p> + <p> + “No, Mr. Chance, I cannot be your wife and make you happy. I must decline + your offer.” + </p> + <p> + Her cold, somewhat ironical tone from the first had prepared him for this + result, and he returned almost too quickly, “Oh, I see, you are offended + with me for coming to you at this hour. I must suffer the consequences of + my mistake, and study to be more cautious and proper in the future. I have + always regarded you as an unconventional woman. That, to my mind, is one + of your greatest charms; and when I say that I say a good deal. I never + imagined that my coming to you like this would have prejudiced you against + me.” + </p> + <p> + She gave a little laugh, but there was an ominous cloud on her face as she + answered: “You imagined it was the right thing to do to come at half-past + one o'clock in the morning to offer me your hand! Your opinion of my + conduct is not a subject I am the least interested in; but whether I am + unconventional or not, I assure you, Mr. Chance, that I am not to be + pushed or driven one step further than I choose to go.” + </p> + <p> + “I should never dream of attempting such a thing, Miss Starbrow. But it + would be useless to say much more; whatever line I take to-night only + makes matters worse for me. But allow me to say one thing before bidding + you good-night. The annoyance you feel at the present moment will not + last. You have too much generosity, too much intellect, to allow it to + rest long in your bosom; and deeply as I feel this rebuff, I am not going + to be so weak as to let it darken and spoil my whole life. No, my hope is + too strong and too reasonable to be killed so easily. I shall come to you + again, and again, and again. For I know that with you for a wife and + companion my life would be a happy one; and not happy only, for that is + not everything. An ambitious man looks to other greater and perhaps better + things.” + </p> + <p> + The cloud was gone from her brows, and she sat regarding him as he spoke + with a slight smile on her lips and a curious critical expression in her + eyes. When he finished speaking she laughed and said, “But is <i>my</i> + happiness of such little account—do you not propose to make <i>me</i> + happy also, Mr. Chance?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” he returned, his face clouding, and dropping his eyes before her + mocking gaze. “You shall not despise me. Single or married, you must make + your own happiness or misery. You know that; why do you wish to make me + repeat the wretched commonplaces that others use?” + </p> + <p> + “I'm glad you have so good an opinion of yourself, Mr. Chance,” she + replied. “I was vexed with you at first, but am not so now. To watch the + changes of your chameleon mind, not always successful in getting the right + colour at the right moment, is just as good as a play. If you really mean + to come again and again I shall not object—it will amuse me. Only do + not come at two o'clock in the morning; it might compromise me, and, + unconventional as I am, I should not forgive you a second time. But + honestly, Mr. Chance, I don't believe you will come again. You know now + that I know you, and you are too wise to waste your energies on me. I hope + you will not give up visiting me—in the daytime. We admire each + other, and I have always had a friendly feeling for you. That is a real + feeling—not an artificial one like the love you spoke of.” + </p> + <p> + He rose to go. “Time will show whether it is an artificial feeling or + not,” he said; and after bidding good-night and hearing the door close + after him, he walked away towards Westbourne Grove. He had gone from her + presence with a smile on his lips, but in the street it quickly vanished + from his face, and breaking into a rapid walk and clenching his fists, he + exclaimed, between his set teeth, “Curse the jade!” + </p> + <p> + It was not a sufficient relief to his feelings, and yet he seemed unable + to think of any other expression more suitable to the occasion, for after + going a little further, he repeated, “Curse the jade!” + </p> + <p> + Then he walked on slower and slower, and finally stopped, and turning + towards Dawson Place, he repeated for the third time, “Curse the jade!” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII + </h2> + <p> + Fan saw no more company after that evening, for which she was not sorry; + but that had been a red-letter day to her—not soon, perhaps never, + to be forgotten. + </p> + <p> + Great as the human adaptiveness is at the age at which Fan then was, that + loving-kindness of her mistress—of one so proud and beautiful above + all women, and, to the girl's humble ideas, so rich “beyond the dreams of + avarice”—retained its mysterious, almost incredible, character to + her mind, and was a continual cause of wonder to her, and at times of + ill-defined but anxious thought. For what had she—a poor, simple, + ignorant useless girl—to keep the affection of such a one as Miss + Starbrow? And as the days and weeks went by, that vague anxiety did not + leave her; for the more she saw of her mistress, the less did she seem + like one of a steadfast mind, whose feelings would always remain the same. + She was touchy, passionate, variable in temper; and if her stormy periods + were short-lived, she also had cold and sullen moods, which lasted long, + and turned all her sweetness sour; and at such times Fan feared to + approach her, but sat apart distressed and sorrowful. And yet, whatever + her mood was, she never spoke sharply to Fan, or seemed to grow weary of + her. And once, during one of those precious half-hours, when they sat + together at the bedroom fire before dinner, when Miss Starbrow in a tender + mood again drew the girl to her side and kissed her, Fan, even while her + heart was overflowing with happiness, allowed something of the fear that + was mixed with it to appear in her words. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Mary, if I could do something for you!” she murmured. “But I can do + nothing—I can only love you. I wish—I wish you would tell me + what to do to—to keep your love!” + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow's face clouded. “Perhaps your heart is a prophetic one, + Fan,” she said; “but you must not have those dismal forebodings, or if + they will come, then pay as little heed to them as possible. Everything + changes about us, and we change too—I suppose we can't help it. Let + us try to believe that we will always love each other. Our food is not + less grateful to us because it is possible that at some future day we + shall have to go hungry. Oh, poor Fan, why should such thoughts trouble + your young heart? Take the goods the gods give you, and do not repine + because we are not angels in Heaven, with an eternity to enjoy ourselves + in. I love you now, and find it sweet to love you, as I have never loved + anyone of my own sex before. Women, as a rule, I detest. You can do, and + are doing, more than you know for me.” + </p> + <p> + Fan did not understand it all; but something of it she did understand, and + it had a reassuring effect on her mind. + </p> + <p> + Her life at this period was a solitary one. After breakfast she would go + out for a walk, usually to Kensington Gardens, and returning by way of + Westbourne Grove, to execute some small commissions for her mistress. + Between dinner and tea the time was mostly spent in the back room on the + first floor, which nobody else used; and when the weather permitted she + sat with the window open, and read aloud to improve herself in the art, + and practised writing and drawing, or read in some book Miss Starbrow had + recommended to her. With all her time so agreeably filled she did not feel + her loneliness, and the life of ease and plenty soon began to tell on her + appearance. Her skin became more pure and transparent, although naturally + pale; her eyes grew brighter, and could look glad as well as sorrowful; + her face lost its painfully bony look, and was rounder and softer, and the + straight lines and sharp angles of her girlish form changed to graceful + curves from day to day. Miss Starbrow, regarding her with a curious and + not untroubled smile, remarked: + </p> + <p> + “You are improving in your looks every day, Fan; by-and-by you will be a + beautiful girl—and then!” + </p> + <p> + The attitude of the servants had not changed towards her, the cook + continuing to observe a kind of neutrality which was scarcely benevolent, + while the housemaid's animosity was still active; but it had ceased to + trouble her very much. Since the evening on which Fan had baffled her by + blowing out the candle, Rosie had not attempted to inflict corporal + punishment beyond an occasional pinch or slap, but contented herself by + mocking and jeering, and sometimes spitting at her. + </p> + <p> + Rosie is destined to disappear from the history of Fan's early life in the + first third of this volume; but before that time her malice bore very bitter + fruit, and for that and other reasons her character is deserving of some + description. + </p> + <p> + She was decidedly pretty, short but well-shaped, with a small English + slightly-upturned nose; small mouth with ripe red lips, which were never + still except when she held them pressed with her sharp white teeth to make + them look redder and riper than ever. Her brown fluffy hair was worn short + like a boy's, and she looked not unlike a handsome high-spirited boy, with + brown eyes, mirthful and daring. She was extremely vivacious in + disposition, and active—too active, in fact, for she got through her + housemaid's work so quickly that it left her many hours of each day in + which to listen to the promptings of the demon of mischief. It was only + because she did her work so rapidly and so well that her mistress kept her + on—“put up with her,” as she expressed it—in spite of her + faults of temper and tongue. But Rosie's heart was not in her work. She + was romantic and ambitious, and her shallow little brain was filled with a + thousand dreams of wonderful things to be. She was a constant and ravenous + reader of <i>Bow Bells</i>, the <i>London Journal</i>, and one or two + penny weeklies besides; and not satisfied with the half-hundred columns of + microscopical letterpress they afforded her, she laid her busy hands on + all the light literature left about by her mistress, and thought herself + hardly treated because Miss Starbrow was a great reader of French novels. + It was exceedingly tantalising to know that those yellow-covered books + were so well suited to her taste, and not be able to read them. For + someone had told her what nice books they were—someone with a big + red moustache, who was as fond of pretty red lips as a greedy school-boy + is of ripe cherries. + </p> + <p> + Many were the stolen interviews between the daring little housemaid and + her gentleman lover; sometimes in the house itself, in a shaded part of + the hall, or in one of the reception-rooms when a happy opportunity + offered—and opportunities always come to those who watch for them; + sometimes out of doors in the shadow of convenient trees in the + neighbouring quiet street and squares after dark. But Rosie was not too + reckless. There was a considerable amount of cunning in that small brain + of hers, which prevented her from falling over the brink of the precipice + on the perilous edge of which she danced like a playful kid so airily. It + was very nice and not too naughty to be cuddled and kissed by a handsome + gentleman, with a big moustache, fine eyes, and baritone voice! but she + was not prepared to go further than that—just yet; only pretending + that by-and-by—perhaps; firing his heart with languishing sighs, the + soft unspoken “Ask me no more, for at a touch I yield”; and then she would + slip from his arms, and run away to put by the little present of sham + jewellery, and think it all very fine fun. They were amusing themselves. + His serious love-making was for her mistress. She—Rosie—had a + future—a great splendid future, to which she must advance by slow + degrees, step by step, sometimes even losing ground a little—and + much had been lost since that starved white kitten had come into the + house. + </p> + <p> + When Miss Starbrow, in a fit of anger, had dismissed her maid some months + before, and then had accepted some little personal assistance in dressing + for the play, and at other times, from her housemaid, Rosie at once + imagined that she was winning her way to her mistress's heart, and her + silly dream was that she would eventually get promoted to the vacant and + desirable place of lady's-maid. The cast-off dresses, boots, pieces of + finery, and many other things which would be her perquisites would be a + little fortune to her, and greatly excited her cupidity. But there were + other more important considerations: she would occupy a much higher + position in the social scale, and dress well, her hands and skin would + grow soft and white, and her appearance and conversation would be that of + a lady; for to be a lady's-maid is, of course, the nearest thing to being + a lady. And with her native charms, ambitious intriguing brain, what might + she not rise to in time? and she had been so careful, and, she imagined, + had succeeded so well in ingratiating herself with her mistress; and by + means of a few well-constructed lies had so filled Miss Starbrow with + disgust at the ordinary lady's-maid taken ready-made out of a + registry-office, that she had begun to look on the place almost as her + own. She had quite overlooked the small fact that she was not qualified to + fill it, and never would be. If she had proposed such an arrangement, Miss + Starbrow would have laughed heartily, and sent the impudent minx away with + a flea in her ear; but she had not yet ventured to broach the subject. + </p> + <p> + Fan's coming into the house had not only filled her with the indignation + natural to one of her class and in her position at being compelled to wait + on a girl picked up half-starved in the streets; but when it appeared that + her mistress meant to keep Fan and make much of her, then her jealousy was + aroused, and she displayed as much spite and malice as she dared. She had + not succeeded in frightening Fan into submission, and she had not dared to + invent lies about her; and unable to use her only weapon, she felt herself + for the time powerless. On the other hand, it was evident that Fan had + made no complaints. + </p> + <p> + “I'd like to catch the little beggar daring to tell tales of me!” she + exclaimed, clenching her vindictive little fists in a fury. But when her + mistress gave her any commands about Fan's meals, or other matters, her + tone was so sharp and peremptory, and her eyes so penetrating, that Rosie + knew that the hatred she cherished in her heart was no secret. The voice, + the look seemed to say plainly, as if it had been expressed in words, “One + word and you go; and when you send to me for a character, you shall have + justice but no mercy.” + </p> + <p> + This was a terrible state of things for Rosie. There was nothing she could + do; and to sit still and wait was torture to one of her restless, + energetic mind. When her mistress was out of the house she could give vent + to her spite by getting into Fan's room and teasing her in every way that + her malice suggested. But Fan usually locked her out, and would not even + open the door to take in her dinner when it was brought; then Rosie would + wait until it was cold before leaving it on the landing. + </p> + <p> + When Miss Starbrow was in the house, and had Fan with her to comb her hair + or read to her, Rosie would hang about, listening at keyholes, to find out + how matters were progressing between “lady and lady's-maid.” But nothing + to give her any comfort was discovered. On the contrary, Miss Starbrow + showed no signs of becoming disgusted at her own disgraceful infatuation, + and seemed more friendly towards the girl than ever. She took her to the + dressmaker at the West End, and had a very pretty, dark green + walking-dress made for her, in which Fan looked prettier than ever. She + also bought her a new stylish hat, a grey fur cape, and long gloves, + besides giving her small pieces of jewellery, and so many things besides + that poor Rosie was green with envy. Then, as a climax, she ordered in a + new pretty iron bed for the girl, and had it put in her own room. + </p> + <p> + “Fan will be so much warmer and more comfortable here than at the top of + the house,” she remarked to Rosie, as if she too had a little malice in + her disposition, and was able to take pleasure in sprinkling powder on a + raw sore. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII + </h2> + <p> + Not until the end of November did anything important occur to make a break + in Fan's happy, and on the whole peaceful, life in Dawson Place; then came + an eventful day, which rudely reminded her that she was living, if not on, + at any rate in the neighbourhood of a volcano. One morning that was not + wet nor foggy Miss Starbrow made up her mind to visit the West End to do a + little shopping, and, to the maid's unbounded disgust, she took Fan with + her. An hour after breakfast they started in a hansom and drove to the + Marble Arch, where they dismissed the cab. + </p> + <p> + “Now,” said Miss Starbrow, who was in high spirits, “we'll walk to Peter + Robinson's and afterwards to Piccadilly Circus, looking at all the shops, + and then have lunch at the St. James's Restaurant; and walk home along the + parks. It is so beautifully dry underfoot to-day.” + </p> + <p> + Fan was delighted with the prospect, and they proceeded along Oxford + Street. The thoroughfares about the Marble Arch had been familiar to her + in the old days, and yet they seemed now to have a novel and infinitely + more attractive appearance—she did not know why. But the reason was + very simple. She was no longer a beggar, hungry, in rags, ashamed, and + feeling that she had no right to be there, but was herself a part of that + pleasant world of men and women and children. An old Moon Street + neighbour, seeing her now in her beautiful dress and with her sweet + peaceful face, would not have recognised her. + </p> + <p> + At Peter Robinson's they spent about half an hour, Miss Starbrow making + some purchases for herself, and, being in a generous mood, she also + ordered a few things for Fan. As they came out at the door they met a Mr. + Mortimer, an old friend of Miss Starbrow's, elderly, but dandified in his + dress, and got up to look as youthful as possible. After warmly shaking + hands with Miss Starbrow, and bowing to Fan, he accompanied them for some + distance up Regent Street. Fan walked a little ahead. Mr. Mortimer seemed + very much taken with her, and was most anxious to find out all about her, + and to know how she came to be in Miss Starbrow's company. The answers he + got were short and not explicit; and whether he resented this, or merely + took a malicious pleasure in irritating his companion, whose character he + well knew, he continued speaking of Fan, protesting that he had not seen a + lovelier girl for a long time, and begging Miss Starbrow to note how + everyone—or every <i>man</i>, rather, since man only has eyes to see + so exquisite a face—looked keenly at the girl in passing. + </p> + <p> + “My dear Miss Starbrow,” he said, “I must congratulate you on your—ahem—late + repentance. You know you were always a great woman-hater—a kind of + she-misogynist, if such a form of expression is allowable. You must have + changed indeed before bringing that fresh charming young girl out with + you.” He angered her and she did not conceal it, because she could not, + though knowing that he was studying to annoy her from motives of revenge. + For this man, who was old enough to be her father, and had spent the last + decade trying to pick up a woman with money to mend his broken fortunes—this + watery-eyed, smirking old beau, who wrote himself down young, going about + Regent Street on a cold November day without overcoat or spectacles—this + man had had the audacity to propose marriage to her! She had sent him + about his business with a burst of scorn, which shook his old, battered + moral constitution like a tempest of wind and thunder, and he had not + forgotten it. He chuckled at the successful result of his attack, not + caring to conceal his glee; but this meeting proved very unfortunate for + poor Fan. After dismissing her old lover with scant courtesy, Miss + Starbrow caught up with the girl, and they walked on in silence, looking + at no shop-windows now. One glance at the dark angry face was enough to + spoil Fan's pleasure for the day and to make her shrink within herself, + wondering much as to what had caused so great and sudden a change. + </p> + <p> + Arrived at Piccadilly Circus, Miss Starbrow called a cab. + </p> + <p> + “Get in, Fan,” she said, speaking rather sharply. “I have a headache and + am going home.” + </p> + <p> + The headache seemed so like a fit of anger that Fan did not venture to + speak one word of sympathy. + </p> + <p> + After reaching home, Miss Starbrow, without saying a word, went to her + room. Fan ventured to follow her there. + </p> + <p> + “I wish to be left alone for the rest of the day,” said her mistress. + “Tell Rosie that I don't wish to be disturbed. After you have had your + dinner go down to the drawing-room and sit there by the fire with your + book. And—stay, if anyone calls to see me, say that I have a + headache and do not wish to be disturbed.” + </p> + <p> + Fan went sorrowfully away and had her dinner, and was mocked by Rosie when + she delivered the message, and then taking her book she went to the + drawing-room on the ground-floor. After she had been there half an hour + she heard a knock, and presently the door was opened and Captain Horton + walked in. + </p> + <p> + “What, alone, Miss Affleck! Tell me about Miss Starbrow,” he said, + advancing and taking her hand. + </p> + <p> + Fan explained that Miss Starbrow was lying down, suffering from a + headache, and did not wish to be disturbed. + </p> + <p> + “I am sorry to hear it,” he said. “But I can sit here and have a little + conversation with you, Fan—your name is Fan, is it not?” + </p> + <p> + He sat down near the fire still keeping her hand in his, and when she + tried gently to withdraw it, his grasp became firmer. His hand was very + soft, as is usual with men who play cards much—and well; and it held + tenaciously—again a characteristic of the card-playing hand. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, please, sir, let me go!” she said. + </p> + <p> + “Why, my dear child, don't you know it's the custom for a gentleman to + hold a girl's hand in his when he talks to her? But you have always lived + among the very poor—have you not?—where they have different + customs. Never mind, Fan, you will soon learn. Now look up, Fan, and let + me see those wonderful eyes of yours; yes, they are very pretty. You don't + mind my teaching you a little, do you, Fan, so that you will know how to + behave when you are with well-bred people?” + </p> + <p> + “No, sir; but please, sir, will you let me go?” + </p> + <p> + “Why, you foolish child, I am not going to hurt you. You don't take me for + a dentist, do you?” he continued, trying to make her laugh. But his smile + and the look in his eyes only frightened her. “Look here, Fan, I will + teach you something else. Don't you know that it is the custom among + ladies and gentlemen for a young girl to kiss a gentleman when he speaks + kindly to her?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Fan, reddening and trying again to free herself. + </p> + <p> + “Don't be so foolish, child, or you will never learn how to behave. Do you + know that if you make a noise or fuss you'll disturb your mistress and she + will be very angry with you. Come now, be a good dear little girl.” + </p> + <p> + And with gentle force he drew her between his knees and put his arm round + her. Fan, afraid to cry out, struggled vainly to get free; he held her + firmly and closely, and had just put his lips to her face when the door + swung open, and Miss Starbrow sailed like a tragedy-queen into the room, + her head thrown back, her face white as marble and her eyes gleaming. + </p> + <p> + The visitor instantly rose, while Fan, released from his grip, her face + crimson with shame, slunk away, trembling with apprehension. + </p> + <p> + “Captain Horton, what is the meaning of this?” demanded the lady. + </p> + <p> + “Why nothing—a mere trifle—a joke, Pollie. Your little girl + doesn't mind being kissed by a friend of the family—that's all.” + </p> + <p> + “Come here, Fan,” she said, in a tone of concentrated rage; and the girl, + frightened and hesitating, approached her. “This is the way you behave the + moment my back is turned. You corrupt-minded little wretch! Take that!” + and with her open hand she struck the girl's face a cruel blow, with force + enough to leave the red print of her fingers on the pale cheek. + </p> + <p> + Fan, covering her face with her hands, shrunk back against the wall, + sobbing convulsively. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, come, Pollie!” exclaimed Horton, “don't be so hard on the poor monkey—she's + a mere child, you know, and didn't think any harm.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow made no reply, but standing motionless looked at him—watched + his face with a fierce, dangerous gleam in her half-closed eyes. + </p> + <p> + “Don't stand snivelling here,” she spoke, turning to Fan. “Go up instantly + to the back room, and stay there. I shall know how to trust a girl out of + the slums another time.” + </p> + <p> + Crying bitterly she left the room, and her mistress shut the door after + her, remaining there with her lover. + </p> + <p> + Fan found the window of the back room open, but she did not feel cold; and + kneeling on the sofa, with her face resting on her hands, and still + crying, she remained there for a long time. A little wintry sunshine + rested on the garden, brightening the brown naked branches of the trees + and the dark green leaves of ivy and shrub, and gladdening the sparrows. + By-and-by the shortlived sunshine died away, and the sparrows left. It was + strangely quiet in the house; distinctly she heard Miss Starbrow come out + of the drawing-room and up the stairs; she trembled a little then and felt + a little rebellious stirring in her heart, thinking that her mistress was + coming up to her. But no, she went to her own room, and closed the door. + Then Rosie came in, stealing up to her on tiptoe, and curiously peering + into her face. + </p> + <p> + “Oh I say—something's happened!” she exclaimed, and tripped joyfully + away. Half an hour later she came up with some tea. + </p> + <p> + “I've brought your la'ship a cup of tea. I'm sure it will do your head + good,” she said, advancing with mincing steps and affecting profound + sympathy in her tone. + </p> + <p> + “Take it away—I shan't touch it!” returned Fan, becoming angry in + her misery. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, but your la'ship's health is so important! Society will be so + distressed when it hears that your la'ship is unwell! I'll leave the cup + in the window in case your la'ship—” + </p> + <p> + Fan pushed cup and saucer angrily away, and over they went, falling + outside down to the area, where they struck with a loud crash and were + shivered to pieces. + </p> + <p> + Rosie laughed and clapped her hands in glee. “Oh, I'm so glad you've + smashed it!” she exclaimed. “I'll tell Miss Starbrow, and then you'll see! + That cup was the thing she valued most in the house. She bought it at a + sale at Christie and Manson's and gave twenty-five guineas for it. Oh, how + mad she'll be!” + </p> + <p> + Fan paid no heed to her words, knowing that there was no truth in them. + While pushing it away she had noticed that it was an old kitchen cup, + chipped and cracked and without a handle; the valuable curio had as a fact + been fished out of a heap of rubbish that morning by the maid, who thought + that it would serve very well for “her la'ship's tea.” + </p> + <p> + Rosie got tired of tormenting her, and took herself off at last; then + another hour went slowly by while it gradually grew dark; and as the + lights faded her rebellious feelings left her, and she began to hope that + Miss Starbrow would soon call her or come to her. And at length, unable to + bear the loneliness and suspense, she went to the bedroom door and softly + knocked. There was no answer, and trying the door she found that it was + locked. She waited outside the door for about half an hour, and then + hearing her mistress moving in the room she tapped again, with the same + result as before. Then she went back despairingly to the back room and her + place beside the window. The night was starry and not very cold, and to + protect herself from the night air she put on her fur cape. Hour after + hour she listened to the bells of St. Matthew's chiming the quarters, + feeling a strange loneliness each time the chimes ceased; and then, after + a few minutes' time, beginning again to listen for the next quarter. It + was getting very late, and still no one came to her, not even Rosie with + her supper, which she had made up her mind not to touch. Then she dropped + her head on her hands, and cried quietly to herself. She had so many + thoughts, and each one seemed sadder than the last. For the great tumult + in her soul was over now, and she could think about it all, and of all the + individuals who had treated her cruelly. She felt very differently towards + them. Captain Horton she feared and hated, and wished him dead with all + her heart; and Rosie she also hated, but not so intensely, for the maid's + enmity had not injured her. Against Mary she only felt a great anger, but + no hatred; for Mary had been so kind, so loving, and she could not forget + that, and all the sweetness it had given her life. Then she began to + compare this new luxurious life in Dawson Place to the old wretched life + in Moon Street, which now seemed so far back in time; and it seemed + strange to her that, in spite of the great difference, yet to-night she + felt more unhappy than she had ever felt in the old days. She remembered + her poor degraded mother, who had never turned against her, and cried + quietly again, leaning her face on the window-sill. Then she had a thought + which greatly perplexed her, and she asked herself why it was in those old + days, when hard words and unjust blows came to her, she only felt a + fearful shrinking of the flesh, and wished like some poor hunted animal to + fly away and hide herself from her tormentors, while now a spirit of + resentment and rebellion was kindled in her and burnt in her heart with a + strange fire. Was it wrong to feel like that, to wish that those who made + her suffer were dead? That was a hard question which Fan put to herself, + and she could not answer it. + </p> + <p> + Her long fast and the excitement she had experienced, with so many lonely + hours of suspense after it, began to tell on her and make her sleepy. It + was eleven o'clock; she heard the servants going round to fasten doors and + turn off the gas, and finally they passed her landing on their way to bed. + It was getting very cold, and giving up all hope of being called by her + mistress, she closed the window and, with an old table-cover for covering, + coiled herself up on the sofa and went to sleep. + </p> + <p> + When she woke it was with a start; her face had grown very cold, and she + felt a warm hand touching her cheek. The hand was quickly withdrawn when + she woke, and looking round Fan saw someone seated by her, and although + there was only the starlight from the window in the dim room, she knew + that it was her mistress. She raised herself to a sitting position on the + sofa, but without speaking. All her bitter, resentful feelings had + suddenly rushed back to her heart. + </p> + <p> + “Well, you have condescended to wake at last,” said Miss Starbrow. “Do you + know that it is nearly one o'clock in the morning?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” returned Fan. + </p> + <p> + “No! well then, I say yes. It is nearly one o'clock. Do you intend to keep + me here waiting your pleasure all night, I wonder!” + </p> + <p> + “I don't want you to come here. I had no place to sleep because you locked + me out of your room.” + </p> + <p> + “And for an excellent reason,” said the other sharply. “How could I admit + you into my room after the outrageous scene I witnessed downstairs! You + seem to think that you can behave just how you like in my house, and that + it will make no difference.” + </p> + <p> + Fan was silent. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, very well, Miss Fan, if you have nothing to say for yourself!” + </p> + <p> + “What do you want me to say?” + </p> + <p> + “Say! I wonder at the question. I want you to tell me the truth, of + course. That is, if you can. How did it all happen—you must tell me + everything just as it occurred, without concealment or prevarication.” + </p> + <p> + Fan related the facts simply and clearly; she remembered every word the + Captain had spoken only too well. + </p> + <p> + “I wish I knew whether you have told me the simple truth or not,” said + Miss Starbrow. + </p> + <p> + “May God strike me dead if I'm not telling the truth!” said Fan. + </p> + <p> + “There, that will do. A young lady is supposed to be able to answer a + question with a simple yes or no, without swearing about it like a bargee + on the Regent's Canal.” + </p> + <p> + “Then why don't you believe me when I say yes and no, and—and why + didn't you ask me before you struck me?” + </p> + <p> + “I shouldn't have struck you if I had not thought you were a little to + blame. It is not likely. You ought to know that after all my kindness to + you—but I dare say that is all forgotten. I declare I have been + treated most shamefully!” And here she dropped her face into her hands and + began crying. + </p> + <p> + But the girl felt no softening of the heart; that strange fire was still + burning in her, and she could only think of the cruel words, the unjust + blow. + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow suddenly ceased her crying. “I thought that you, at any + rate, had a little gratitude and affection for me,” she said. “But of + course I was mistaken about that as I have been about everything else. If + you had the faintest spark of sympathy in you, you would show a little + feeling, and—and ask me why I cry, or say something.” + </p> + <p> + For some moments Fan continued silent, then she moved and touched the + other's hand, and said very softly, for now all her anger was melting + away, “Why do you cry, Mary?” + </p> + <p> + “You know, Fan, because I love you, and am so sorry I struck you. What a + brute I was to hurt you—a poor outcast and orphan, with no friend + but me in the world. Forgive me, dear Fan, for treating you so cruelly!” + Then she put her arms about the girl and kissed her, holding her close to + her breast. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Mary, dear,” said Fan, now also crying; “you didn't hurt me very + much. I only felt it because—because it was you.” + </p> + <p> + “I know, Fan, and that's why I can't forgive myself. But I shall never, + never hurt you again, for I know that you are truth itself, and that I can + trust you. And now let us go down and have some supper together before + going to bed. I know you've had nothing since lunch, and I couldn't touch + a morsel, I was so troubled about that wretch of a man. I think I have + been sitting here quite two hours waiting for you to wake.” + </p> + <p> + Together they went down to the dining-room, where a delicate little + supper, such as Miss Starbrow loved to find on coming home from the play, + was laid out for them. For the first time Fan sat at table with her + mistress; another new experience was the taste of wine. She had a glass of + Sauterne, and thought it very nice. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX + </h2> + <p> + On the next morning, after a sharp frost, the sun shone brightly as in + spring. Fan was up early and enjoyed her breakfast, notwithstanding the + late supper, and not in the least disturbed by the scornful words flung at + her by the housemaid when she brought up the tray. After breakfasting she + went to Miss Starbrow's room, to find her still in bed and not inclined to + get up. + </p> + <p> + “Put on your dress and go for a walk in Kensington Gardens,” she said. “I + think it is a fine day, for a wonder. You may stop out until one o'clock, + if you like, and take my watch, so as to know the time. And if you wish to + rest while out don't sit down on a bench, or you will be sure to have + someone speak to you. According to the last census, or Registrar-General's + report, or whatever it is, there are twenty thousand young gentlemen + loafers in London, who spend their whole time hanging about the parks and + public places trying to make the acquaintance of young girls. Sit on a + chair by yourself when you are tired—you can always find a chair + even in winter—and give the chairman a penny when he comes to you.” + </p> + <p> + “I haven't got a penny, Mary. But it doesn't matter; I'll not get tired.” + </p> + <p> + “Then I must give you a purse and some money, and you must never go out + without it, and don't mind spending a little money now and then, and + giving away a penny when you feel inclined. Give me my writing desk and + the keys.” + </p> + <p> + She opened the desk and took out a small plush purse, then some silver and + coppers to put in it, and finally a sovereign. + </p> + <p> + “The silver you can use, the sovereign you must not change, but keep it in + case you should require money when I am not with you.” + </p> + <p> + With all these fresh proofs of Mary's affection to make her happy, in her + lovely new dress and hat, and the beautiful gold chain on her bosom, Fan + went out for her walk feeling as light-hearted as a linnet. It was the + last day of November, usually a dreary time in London, but never had the + world looked so bright and beautiful to Fan as on that morning; and as she + walked along with swift elastic tread she could hardly refrain from + bursting bird-like into some natural joyous melody. Passing into the + Gardens at the Queen's Road entrance, she went along the Broad Walk to the + Round Pond, and then on to the Albert Memorial, shining with gold and + brilliant colours in the sun like some fairy edifice. Running up the steps + she walked round and round the sculptured base of the monument, studying + the marble faces and reading the names, and above all admiring the figures + there—blind old Homer playing on his harp, with Dante, Shakespeare, + Milton, and all the immortal sons of song, grouped about him listening. + But nothing to her mind equalled the great group of statuary representing + Asia at one of the four corners, with that colossal calm-faced woman + seated on an elephant in the centre. What a great majestic face, and yet + how placid and sweet it looked, reminding her a little of Mary in her + kindly moods. But this noble face was of marble, and never changed; Mary's + changed every hour, so that the soft expression when it came seemed doubly + sweet. By-and-by she walked away towards the bridge over the Serpentine, + and in the narrow path, thickly bordered with trees and shrubs and late + flowers, she stepped aside to make room for a lady to pass, who held by + the hand a little angel-faced, golden-haired child, dressed in a quaint + pretty costume. The child stood still and looked up into Fan's face, and + then she also involuntarily stopped, so taken was she with the little + thing's beauty. + </p> + <p> + “Mammy,” said the child, pointing to Fan, “I'se like to tiss the pretty + laly.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, my darling, perhaps the young lady will kiss you if you ask very + nicely,” said the mother. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, may I kiss her?” said Fan, reddening with pleasure, and quickly + stooping she pressed her lips to the little cherub face. + </p> + <p> + “I loves you—what's your name?” said the child. + </p> + <p> + “No, darling, you must not ask questions. You've got your kiss and that + ought to satisfy you”; and with a smile and nod to Fan she walked on. + </p> + <p> + Fan pursued her walk to the Serpentine, with a new delicious sensation in + her heart. It was so strange and sweet to be spoken to by a lady, a + stranger, and treated like an equal! And in the days that were not so long + ago with what sad desire in her eyes had she looked at smiling beautiful + faces, like this lady's face, and no smile and no gentle word had been + bestowed on her, and no glance that did not express pity or contempt! + </p> + <p> + At the head of the Serpentine she stood for ten or fifteen minutes to + watch the children and nursemaids feeding the swans and ducks. The swans + were very stately and graceful, the ducks very noisy and contentious, and + it was great fun to see them squabbling over the crumbs of bread. But + after leaving the waterside she came upon a scene among the great elms and + chestnuts close by which amused her still more. Some poor ragged children—three + boys and a girl—were engaged in making a great heap of the old dead + fallen leaves, gathering them in armfuls and bringing them to one spot. + By-and-by the little girl came up with a fresh load, and as she stooped to + put it on the pile, the boys, who had all gathered round, pushed her over + and covered her with a mass of old leaves; then, with a shout of laughter + at their rough joke, they ran away. She struggled out and stood up + half-choked with dust, her face covered with dirt, and dress and hair with + the black half-rotten leaves. As soon as she got her breath she burst out + in a prolonged howl, while the big tears rushed out, making channels on + her grimy cheeks. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, poor little girl, don't cry,” said Fan, going up to her, but the + child only howled the louder. Then Fan remembered her money and Mary's + words, and taking out a penny she offered it to the little girl. Instantly + the crying ceased, the child clutched the penny in her dirty little fist, + then stared at Fan, then at the penny, and finally turned and ran away as + fast as she could run, past the fountains, out at the gate, and into the + Bayswater Road. + </p> + <p> + When she was quite out of sight Fan resumed her walk, laughing a little, + but with misty eyes, for it was the first time in her life that she had + given a penny away, and it made her strangely happy. Before quitting the + Gardens, however, one little incident occurred to interfere with her + pleasure. Close to the Broad Walk she suddenly encountered Captain Horton + walking with a companion in the opposite direction. There was no time to + turn aside in order to avoid him; when she recognised him he was watching + her face with a curious smile under his moustache which made her feel a + little uncomfortable; then, raising his hat, he passed her without + speaking. + </p> + <p> + “You know that pretty girl?” she heard his friend ask, as she hurried away + a little frightened towards the Queen's Road gate. + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow appeared very much put out about this casual encounter in + the Gardens when Fan related the incidents of her walk. + </p> + <p> + “I'll not walk there again, Mary, so as not to meet him,” said Fan + timidly. + </p> + <p> + “On the contrary, you shall walk there as often as you like—I had + almost said whether you like it or not; and in the Grove, where you are + still more likely to meet him.” She spoke angrily; but after a while + added, “He couldn't well have done less than notice you when he met you, + and I do not think you need be afraid of anything. It is not likely that + he would address you. He put an altogether false complexion on that affair + yesterday—a cowardly thing to do, and caused us both a great deal of + pain, and for that I shall never forgive him. Think no more about it, + Fan.” + </p> + <p> + It was pretty plain, however, that she permitted herself to think more + about it; for during the next few days she was by no means cheerful, while + her moody fits and bursts of temper were more frequent than usual. Then, + one Wednesday evening, when Fan assisted her in dressing to receive her + visitors, she seemed all at once to have recovered her spirits, and talked + to the girl and laughed in a merry light-hearted way. + </p> + <p> + “Poor Fan, how dull it must always be for you on a Wednesday evening, + sitting here so long by yourself,” she said. + </p> + <p> + “Oh no, Mary, I always open the door and listen to the music; I like the + singing so much.” + </p> + <p> + “That reminds me,” said Miss Starbrow. “Who do you think is coming this + evening?” + </p> + <p> + “Captain Horton,” she answered promptly. + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow laughed. “Yes; how quick you are at guessing. I must tell + you all about it; and do you know, Fan, I find it very delightful to have + a dear trusty girl to talk to. I suppose you have noticed how cross I have + been all these days. It was all on account of that man. He offended me so + much that day that I made up my mind never to speak to him again. But he + is very sorry; besides, he looked on you as little more than a child, and + really meant it only for a joke. And so I have half forgiven him, and + shall let him visit me again, but only on Wednesday evenings when there + will be others. I shall not allow him to come whenever he likes, as he + used to do. Fan was silent. Miss Starbrow, sitting before the glass, read + the ill-concealed trouble in the girl's face reflected there. + </p> + <p> + “Now don't be foolish, Fan, and think no more about it,” she said. “You + are very young—not nearly sixteen yet, and gentlemen look on girls + of that age as scarcely more than children, and think it no harm to kiss + them. He's a thoughtless fellow, and doesn't always do what is right, but + he certainly did not think any harm or he would not have acted that way in + my house. That's what he says, and I know very well when I hear the + truth.” + </p> + <p> + After finishing her hair, Miss Starbrow, not yet satisfied that she had + removed all disagreeable impression, turned round and said, “Now, my + solemn-faced girl, why are you so silent? Are you going to be cross with + me? Don't you think I know best what is right and believe what I tell + you?” + </p> + <p> + The tears came to the girl's eyes. “I do believe you know best, Mary,” she + said, in a distressed voice. “Oh, please don't think that I am cross. I am + so glad you like to talk to me.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow smiled and touched her cheek, and at length stooped and + kissed her; and this little display of confidence and affection chased + away the last remaining cloud, and made Fan perfectly happy. + </p> + <p> + The partial forgiveness extended to Captain Horton did not have exactly + the results foretold. Miss Starbrow was fond of affirming that when her + mind was once made up about anything it was not to be moved; but in this + affair she had already yielded to persuasion, and had permitted the + Captain to visit her again; and by-and-by the second resolution also + proved weak, and his visits were not confined to Wednesday evenings. She + had struggled against her unworthy feeling for him, and knowing that it + was unworthy, that the strength she prided herself so much on was weakness + where he was concerned, she was dissatisfied in mind and angry with + herself for making these concessions. She really believed in the love he + professed for her, and did not think much the worse of him for being a man + without income or occupation, and a gambler to boot; but she feared that a + marriage with him would only make her miserable, and between her love for + him, which could not be concealed, and the fear that he would eventually + win her consent to be his wife, her mind was in a constant state of + anxiety and restlessness. The little indiscretion he had been guilty of + with Fan she had forgiven in her heart: that he had actually conceived a + fondness for this poor young girl she could not believe, for in that case + he would have been very careful not to do anything to betray it to the + woman he wished to marry; but though she had forgiven him, she was + resolved not to let him know it just yet, and so continued to be a little + distant and formal in her manner, never calling him by his christian name, + “Jack,” as formerly, and not allowing him to call her “Pollie.” + </p> + <p> + All this was nothing to Fan, as she very rarely saw him, but on the few + occasions when she accidentally met him, in the house or when out walking, + he always had that curious smile on his lips, and studied her face with a + bold searching look in his eyes, which made her uncomfortable and even a + little afraid. + </p> + <p> + One day, about the middle of December, Miss Starbrow began to speak to her + about her future. + </p> + <p> + “You have improved wonderfully, Fan, since you first came,” she said, “but + I fear that this kind of improvement will not be of much practical use, + and my conscience is not quite satisfied about you. I have taken this + responsibility on myself, and must not go on shutting my eyes to it. Some + day it will be necessary for you to go out into the world to earn your own + living; that is what we have got to think about. Remember that you can't + have me always to take care of you; I might go abroad, or die, or get + married, and then you would be left to your own resources. You couldn't + make your living by simply looking pretty; you must be useful as well as + ornamental; and I have taught you nothing—teaching is not in my + line. It would be a thousand pities if you were ever to sink down to the + servant-girl level: we must think of something better than that. A young + lady generally aspires to be a governess. But then she must know + everything—music, drawing, French, German, Latin, mathematics, + algebra; all that she must have at her finger-ends, and be able to gabble + political economy, science, and metaphysics to boot. All that is beyond + you—unattainable as the stars. But you needn't break your heart + about it. She doesn't get much. Her wages are about equal to those of a + kitchen-maid, who can't spell, but only peel potatoes. And the more + learned she is, the more she is disliked and snubbed by her betters; and + she never marries, in spite of what the <i>Family Herald</i> says, but + goes on toiling until she is fifty, and then retires to live alone on + fifteen shillings a week in some cheap lodging for the remnant of her + dreary life. No, poor Fan, you can't hope to be anything as grand as a + governess.” + </p> + <p> + Fan laughed a little: she had grown accustomed to and understood this + half-serious mocking style of speech in which her mistress often indulged. + </p> + <p> + “But,” she continued, “you might qualify yourself for some other kind of + employment less magnificent, but still respectable, and even genteel + enough. That of a nursery-governess, for instance; you are fond of + children, and could teach them their letters. Or you could be companion to + a lady; some simple-minded, old-fashioned dame who stays at home, and + would not require you to know languages. Or, better still perhaps, you + might go into one of the large West End shops. I do not think it would be + very difficult for you to get a place of that kind, as your appearance is + so much in your favour. I know that your ambition is not a very soaring + one, and a few months ago you would not have ventured to dream of ever + being a young lady in a shop like Jay's or Peter Robinson's. Yet for such + a place you would not have to study for years and pass a stiff + examination, as a poor girl is obliged to do before she can make her + living by sitting behind a counter selling penny postage-stamps. Homely + girls can succeed there: for the fine shop a pretty face, an elegant + figure, and a pleasing lady-like manner are greatly prized—more than + a knowledge of archaeology and the higher mathematics; and you possess all + these essentials to start with. But whether you are destined to go into a + shop or private house, it is important that you should make a better use + of your time just now, while you are with me, and learn something—dressmaking, + let us say, and all kinds of needlework; then you will at least be able to + make your own clothes.” + </p> + <p> + “I should like to learn that very much,” said Fan eagerly. + </p> + <p> + “Very well, you shall learn then. I have been making inquiries, and find + that there is a place in Regent Street, where for a moderate premium they + do really succeed in teaching girls such things in a short time. I shall + take you there to-morrow, and make all arrangements.” + </p> + <p> + Very soon after this conversation Fan commenced her new work of learning + dressmaking, going every morning by omnibus to Regent Street, lunching + where she worked, and returning to Dawson Place at four o'clock. After the + preliminary difficulties, or rather strangeness inseparable from a new + occupation, had been got over, she began to find her work very agreeable. + It was maintained by the teachers in the establishment she was in that by + means of their system even a stupid girl could be taught the mystery of + dressmaking in a little while. And Fan was not stupid, although she had an + extremely modest opinion of her own abilities, and was not regarded by + others as remarkably intelligent; but she was diligent and painstaking, + and above everything anxious to please her mistress, who had paid extra + money to ensure pains being taken with her. So rapid was her progress, + that before the end of January Miss Starbrow bought some inexpensive + material, and allowed her to make herself a couple of dresses to wear in + the house; and these first efforts resulted so well that a better stuff + was got for a walking-dress. + </p> + <p> + The winter had thus far proved a full and happy one to Fan; in February + she was even more fully occupied, and, if possible, happier; for after + leaving the establishment in Regent Street, Miss Starbrow sent her to the + school of embroidery in South Kensington to take lessons in a new and + still more delightful art. But at the end of that month Fan unhappily, and + from no fault of her own, fell into serious disgrace. She had gone to the + Exhibition Road with a sample of her work on the morning of a bright windy + day which promised to be dry; a little later Miss Starbrow also went out. + Before noon the weather changed, and a heavy continuous rain began to + fall. At one o'clock Miss Starbrow came home in a cab, and as she went + into the house it occurred to her to ask the maid if Fan had got very wet + or had come in a cab. She knew that Fan had not taken an umbrella. + </p> + <p> + “No, ma'am; she walked home, but didn't get wet. A young gentleman came + with her, and I s'pose he kept her dry with his umbrella.” + </p> + <p> + “A young gentleman—are you quite sure?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, ma'am, quite sure,” she returned, indignant at having her sacred + word doubted. “He was with her on the steps when I opened the door, and + shook hands with her just like an old friend when he went away; and she + was quite dry.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow said no more. She knew that the servant, though no friend to + Fan, would not have dared to invent a story of this kind, and resolved to + say nothing, but to wait for the girl to give her own account of the + matter. + </p> + <p> + Fan said nothing about it. On leaving the school of embroidery, seeing how + threatening the sky was, she was hurrying towards the park, when the rain + came down, and in a few moments she would have been wet through if help + had not come in the shape of an umbrella held over her head by an + attentive young stranger. He kept at her side all the way across the + Gardens to Dawson Place, and Fan felt grateful for his kindness; she + conversed with him during the walk, and at the door she had not refused to + shake hands when he offered his. In ordinary circumstances, she would have + made haste to tell her mistress all about it, thinking no harm; + unfortunately it happened that for some days Miss Starbrow had been in one + of her worst moods, and during these sullen irritable periods Fan seldom + spoke unless spoken to. + </p> + <p> + When Miss Starbrow found the girl in her room on going there, she looked + keenly and not too kindly at her, and imagined that poor Fan wore a look + of guilt on her face, whereas it was nothing but distress at her own + continued ill-temper which she saw. + </p> + <p> + “I shall give her till to-morrow to tell me,” thought the lady, “and if + she says nothing, I shall conclude that she has made friends out of doors + and wishes to keep it from me.” + </p> + <p> + Fan knew nothing of what was passing in the other's mind; she only saw + that her mistress was even less gracious to her than she had been, and + thought it best to keep out of her sight. For the rest of the day not one + word passed between them. + </p> + <p> + Next morning Fan got ready to go to Kensington, but first came in to her + mistress as was her custom. Miss Starbrow was also dressed in readiness to + go out; she was sitting apparently waiting to speak to Fan before leaving + the house. + </p> + <p> + “Are you going out, Mary?” said Fan, a little timidly. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I am going out,” she returned coldly, and then seemed waiting for + something more to be said. + </p> + <p> + “May I go now?” said Fan. + </p> + <p> + “No,” the other returned after some moments. “Change your dress again and + stay at home to-day.” Presently she added, “You are learning a little too + much in Exhibition Road—more, I fancy, than I bargained for.” + </p> + <p> + Fan was silent, not knowing what was meant. + </p> + <p> + Then Miss Starbrow went out, but first she called the maid and told her to + remove Fan's bed and toilet requisites out of her room into the back room. + </p> + <p> + Greatly distressed and perplexed at the unkind way she had been spoken to, + Fan changed her dress and sat down in the cold back room to do some work. + After a while she heard a great noise as of furniture being dragged about, + and presently Rosie came in with the separate pieces of her dismantled + bed. + </p> + <p> + “What are you doing with my things?” exclaimed Fan in surprise. + </p> + <p> + “Your things!” retorted Rosie, with scorn. “What your mistress told me to + do, you cheeky little beggar! Your things indeed! 'Put a beggar on + horseback and he'll ride to the devil,' and that's what Miss Starbrow's + beginning to find out at last. And quite time, too! Embroidery! That's + what you're going to wear perhaps when you're back in the slums you came + from! I thought it wouldn't last!” And Rosie, banging the things about, + pounding the mattress with clenched fist, and shaking the pillows like a + terrier with a rat, kept up this strain of invective until she had + finished her task, and then went off, well pleased to think that the day + of her triumph was not perhaps very far distant. + </p> + <p> + On that day, however, Rosie herself was destined to experience great + trouble of mind, and an anxiety about her future even exceeding that of + Fan, who was spending the long hours alone in that big, cold, fireless + room, grieving in her heart at the great change in her beloved mistress, + and dropping many a tear on the embroidery in her hands. + </p> + <p> + It was about three o'clock, and feeling her fingers quite stiff with cold, + she determined to go quietly down to the drawing-room in the hope of + finding a fire lighted there so as to warm her hands. Miss Starbrow had + not returned, and the house was very still, and after standing a few + moments on the landing, anxious not to rouse the maid and draw a fresh + volley of abuse on herself, she went softly down the stairs, and opened + the drawing-room door. For a moment or two she stood motionless, and then + muttering some incoherent apology turned and fled back to her room. For + there, very much at his ease, sat Captain Horton, with Rosie on his knees, + her arms about his neck, and her lips either touching his or in very close + proximity to them. + </p> + <p> + Rosie slipped from her seat, and the Captain stood up, but the intruder + had seen and gone, and their movements were too late. + </p> + <p> + “The spy! the cat!” snapped Rosie, grown suddenly pale with anger and + apprehension. + </p> + <p> + “It's very fine to abuse the girl,” said the Captain; “but it was all + through your infernal carelessness. Why didn't you lock the door?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you're going to blame me! That's like a man. Perhaps you're in love + with the cat. I s'pose you think she's pretty.” + </p> + <p> + “I'd like to twist her neck, and yours too, for a fool. If any trouble + comes you will be to blame.” + </p> + <p> + “Say what you like, I don't care. There'll be trouble enough, you may be + sure.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you mean to say that she will dare to tell?” + </p> + <p> + “Tell! She'll only be too glad of the chance. She'll tell everything to + Miss Starbrow, and she hates me and hates you like poison. It would be + very funny if she didn't tell.” + </p> + <p> + He walked about the room fuming. + </p> + <p> + “It will be as bad for you as for me,” he said. + </p> + <p> + “No, it won't. I can get another place, I s'pose.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yes; very fine, and be a wretched slavey all your life, if you like + that. You know very well that I have promised you two hundred pounds the + day I marry your mistress.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes; because I'm not a fool, and you can't help yourself. Don't think <i>I</i> + want to marry you. Not me! Keep your love for Miss Starbrow, and much + you'll get out of her!” + </p> + <p> + “You idiot!” he began; but seeing that she was half sobbing he said no + more, and continued walking about the room. Presently he came back to her. + “It's no use quarrelling,” he said. “If anything can be done to get out of + this infernal scrape it will only be by our acting together. Since this + wretched Fan has been in the house, Miss Starbrow is harder than ever to + get on with; and even if Fan holds her tongue about this—” + </p> + <p> + “She won't hold her tongue.” + </p> + <p> + “But even if she should, we'll never do any good while she has that girl + to amuse herself with. You know perfectly well, Rosie, that if there is + anyone I really love it is you; but then we've both of us got to do the + best we can for ourselves. I shall love you just the same after I am + married, and if you still should like me, why then, Rosie, we might be + able to enjoy ourselves very well. But if Fan tells at once what she saw + just now, then it will be all over with us—with you, at any rate.” + </p> + <p> + “She won't tell at once—not while her mistress is in her tantrums. + The little cat keeps out of her way then. Not to-day, and perhaps not + to-morrow; and the day after I think Miss Starbrow's going to visit her + friends at Croydon. That's what she said; and if she goes, she'll be out + all day.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh!” ejaculated the Captain; then rising he carefully closed and locked + the door before continuing the conversation. They were both very much + interested in it; but when it was at last over, and the Captain took his + departure, Rosie did not bounce away as usual with tumbled hair and merry + flushed face. She left the drawing-room looking pale and a little scared + perhaps, and for the rest of the day was unusually silent and subdued. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X + </h2> + <p> + To Fan no comfort came that evening, and an hour after supper she went to + bed to get warm, without seeing her mistress, who had returned to dinner. + Next day she was no better off; she did not venture to ask whether she + might go out or not, or even to go to Miss Starbrow's room, but kept to + her own cold apartment, working and grieving, and seeing no one except the + maid. Rosie came and went, but she was moody, or else afraid to use her + tongue, and silent. On the following morning Miss Starbrow left the house + at an early hour, and Fan resigned herself to yet another cold solitary + day. About eleven o'clock Rosie came running up in no little excitement + with a telegram addressed to “Miss Affleck.” She took it, wondering a + little at the change in the maid's manner, but not thinking much about it, + for she had never received a telegram before, and it startled and troubled + her to have one thrust into her hand. Rosie stood by, anxiously waiting to + hear its contents. + </p> + <p> + “How long are you going to be about it?” she exclaimed. “Let me read it + for you.” + </p> + <p> + Fan held it back, and went on perusing it slowly. It was from Miss + Starbrow at Twickenham, and said: “Come to me here by train from + Westbourne Park Station. Bring two or three dresses and all you will + require in my bag. Shall remain here several days. The housekeeper will + meet you at Twickenham Station.” + </p> + <p> + She allowed Rosie to read the message, and was told that Twickenham was + very near London; that she must take a cab to get quickly to Westbourne + Park Station, so as not to keep Miss Starbrow waiting. Then, while Fan + changed her dress and got herself ready, the maid selected one of Miss + Starbrow's best bags and busied herself in folding up and packing as many + of Fan's things as she could cram into it. Then she ran out to call a cab, + leaving Fan again studying the telegram and feeling strangely perplexed at + being thus suddenly sent for by her mistress, who had gone out of the + house without speaking one word to her. + </p> + <p> + In a few minutes the cab was at the door, and Rosie officiously helped the + girl in, handed her the bag, and told her to pay the cabman one shilling. + After it started she rushed excitedly into the road and stopped it. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I forgot, Miss Fan, leave the telegram, you don't want it any more,” + she said, coming to the side of the cab. + </p> + <p> + Fan mechanically pulled the yellow envelope from her pocket and gave it to + her without question, and was then driven off. But in her agitation at the + sudden summons she had thrust the missive and the cover separately into + her pocket, so that Rosie had after all only got the envelope. It was a + little matter—a small oversight caused by hurry—but the result + was important; in all probability Fan's whole after life would have been + different if she had not made that trivial mistake. + </p> + <p> + She was quickly at the station, and after taking her ticket had only a few + minutes to wait for a train; half an hour later she was at Twickenham + Station. As soon as the platform was clear of the other passengers who had + alighted, a respectably-dressed woman got up from one of the seats and + came up to Fan. “You are Miss Affleck,” she said, with a furtive glance at + the girl's face. “Miss Starbrow sent me to meet you. She is going to stay + a few days with friends just outside of Twickenham. Will you please come + this way?” + </p> + <p> + She took the bag from Fan, then led the way not to, but round the village, + and at some distance beyond it into a road with trees planted in it and + occasional garden-seats. They followed this road for about a quarter of a + mile, then left it, and the villas and houses near it, and struck across a + wide field. Beyond it, in an open space, they came to an isolated terrace + of small red-brick cottages. The cottages seemed newly built and empty, + and no person was moving about; nor had any road been made, but the houses + stood on the wet clay, full of deep cart-wheel ruts, and strewn with + broken bricks and builders' rubbish. In the middle of the row Fan noticed + that one of the cottages was inhabited, apparently by very poor people, + for as she passed by with her guide, three or four children and a woman, + all wretchedly dressed, came out and stared curiously at her. Then, to her + surprise, her guide stopped at the last house of the row, and opened the + door with a latchkey. The windows were all closed, and from the outside it + looked uninhabited, and as they went into the narrow uncarpeted hall Fan + began to experience some nervous fears. Why had her mistress, a rich + woman, with a luxurious home of her own, come into this miserable suburban + cottage? The door of a small square room on the ground-floor was standing + open, and looking into it she saw that it contained a couple of chairs and + a table, but no other furniture and no carpet. + </p> + <p> + “Where's Miss Starbrow?” she asked, becoming alarmed. + </p> + <p> + “Upstairs, waiting for you. This way, please”; and taking Fan by the hand, + she attempted to lead her up the narrow uncarpeted stairs. But suddenly, + with a cry of terror, the girl snatched herself free and rushed down into + the open room, and stood there panting, white and trembling with terror, + her eyes dilated, like some wild animal that finds itself caught in a + trap. + </p> + <p> + “What ails you?” said the woman, quickly following her down. + </p> + <p> + “Captain Horton is there—I saw him looking down!” said Fan, in a + terrified whisper. “Oh, please let me out—let me out!” + </p> + <p> + “Why, what nonsense you are talking, to be sure! There's no Captain Horton + here, and what's more, I don't know who Captain Horton is. It was Miss + Starbrow you saw waiting for you on the landing.” + </p> + <p> + “No, no, no—let me out! let me out!” was Fan's only reply. + </p> + <p> + The woman then made a dash at her, but the girl, now wild with fear, + sprang quickly from her, and running round the room came to the window at + the front, and began madly pulling at the fastenings to open it. There she + was seized, but not to be conquered yet, for the sense of the terrible + peril she was in gave her an unnatural strength, and struggling still to + return to the window, her only way of escape, they presently came + violently against it and shattered a pane of glass. At this moment the + woman, exerting her whole strength, succeeded in dragging her back to the + middle of the room; and Fan, finding that she was being overcome, burst + forth in a succession of piercing screams, which had the effect of quickly + bringing Captain Horton on to the scene. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you've come at last! There—manage her yourself—the wild + beast!” cried the woman, flinging the girl from her towards him. + </p> + <p> + He caught her in his arms. “Will you stop screaming?” he shouted; but Fan + only screamed the louder. + </p> + <p> + “Stop her—stop her quick, or we'll have those people and the police + here,” cried the woman, running to the window and peering out at the + broken pane to see if the noise had attracted their neighbours. + </p> + <p> + He succeeded in getting one of his hands over her mouth, and still keeping + her clasped firmly with the other arm, began drawing her towards the door. + But not even yet was she wholly overcome; all the power which had been in + her imprisoned arms and hands appeared suddenly to have gone into the + muscles of her jaws, and in a moment her sharp teeth had cut his hand to + the bone. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, curse the hell-cat!” he cried; and maddened with rage at the pain, he + struck her from him, and her head coming violently in contact with the + sharp edge of the table, she was thrown down senseless on the floor. Her + forehead was deeply cut, and presently the blood began flowing over her + still, white face. + </p> + <p> + The woman now became terrified in her turn. + </p> + <p> + “You have killed her!” she cried. “Oh, Captain, you have killed her, and + you'll hang for it and make me hang too. Oh God! what's to be done now?” + </p> + <p> + “Hold your noise, you cursed fool!” exclaimed the other, in a rage. “Get + some cold water and dash it over her face.” + </p> + <p> + She obeyed quickly enough, and kneeling down washed the blood from the + girl's face and hair, and loosened her dress. But the fear that they would + be discovered unnerved her, her hands shook, and she kept on moaning that + the girl was dead, that they would be found out and tried for murder. + </p> + <p> + “She's not dead, I tell you—damn you for a fool!” exclaimed Captain + Horton, dashing the blood from his wounded hand and stamping on the floor + in a rage. + </p> + <p> + “She is! she is! There's not a spark of life in her that I can feel! Oh, + what shall I do?” + </p> + <p> + He pushed her roughly aside and felt for the girl's pulse, and placed his + hand over her heart, but was perhaps too much agitated himself to feel its + feeble pulsations. + </p> + <p> + “Good God, it can't be!” he said. “A girl can't be killed with a light + knock in falling like that. No, no, she'll come to presently and be all + right. And we're safe enough—not a soul knows where she is.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, don't you think that!” returned the woman, again kneeling down and + chafing and slapping Fan's palms, and moistening her face. “The people at + the other house were all there watching us when I brought the girl in. + They're curious about it, and maybe suspect something; and when the + policeman comes round you may be sure they'll tell him, and they'll have + heard the screams too, and they'll be watching about now. Oh, what a + blessed fool I was to have anything to do with it!” + </p> + <p> + Captain Horton began cursing her again; but just then Fan's bosom moved, + she drew a long breath, and presently her eyes opened. + </p> + <p> + They were watching her with a feeling of intense relief, thinking that + they had now escaped from a great and terrible danger. Fan looked up into + the face of the woman bent over her, and gazed at her in a dazed kind of + way, not yet remembering where she was or what had befallen her. Then she + glanced at the man's face, a little distance off, shivered and closed her + eyes, and in her stillness and extreme pallor seemed to have become + insensible again, although her white lips twitched at intervals. + </p> + <p> + “Go away, for God's sake! Go to the other room—it kills her to see + you!” said the woman, in an excited whisper. + </p> + <p> + He moved away and slipped out at the door very quietly, but presently + called softly to the woman. + </p> + <p> + “Here, make her swallow a little brandy,” he said, giving her a pocket + flask. + </p> + <p> + In about half an hour Fan had recovered so far that she could sit up in a + chair; but with her strength her distress and terror came back, and + feeling herself powerless she began to cry and beg to be let out. + </p> + <p> + The woman went to the door and spoke softly to her companion. + </p> + <p> + “It's all right now; she's getting over it.” + </p> + <p> + “It's all wrong, I tell you,” said the other with an oath, and in a tone + of concentrated rage. “There are two of your neighbour's boys prying about + in front and trying to peer through the window. For heaven's sake get rid + of her and let her go as soon as you can.” + </p> + <p> + She was about to return to Fan when he called her back. + </p> + <p> + “Take her to the station yourself,” he said; and proceeded to give her + some directions which she promised to obey, after which she came back to + Fan, to find her at the window feebly struggling to unfasten the stiff + catch. + </p> + <p> + “Don't you be afraid any more, my dear,” she said effusively. “I'll take + you back to the station as soon as you're well enough to walk. You've had + a fall against the table and hurt yourself a little, but you'll soon be + all right.” + </p> + <p> + Fan looked at her and shrunk away as she approached, and then turned her + eyes, dilating again with fear, towards the door. + </p> + <p> + “He's gone, my dear, and won't come near you again, so don't you fear. Sit + down quietly and I'll make you a cup of tea, and then you'll be able to + walk to the station.” + </p> + <p> + But Fan would not be reassured, and continued piteously begging the woman + to let her out. + </p> + <p> + “Very well, you shall go out; only take a little brandy first to give you + strength to walk.” + </p> + <p> + Fan thrust the flask away, and then putting her hand to her forehead, + cried out: + </p> + <p> + “Oh, what's this on my head?” + </p> + <p> + “Only a bit of sticking-plaster where you hit yourself against the table, + my dear.” + </p> + <p> + Then she smoothed out Fan's broken hat, and with a wet sponge cleaned the + bloodstains from her gown, and finally opening the door and with the bag + in her hand, she accompanied the girl out. + </p> + <p> + Once in the cold keen air Fan began to recover strength and confidence, + but she was still too weak to walk fast, and when they had got to the long + road where the benches were, she was compelled to sit down and rest for + some time. + </p> + <p> + “Where are you going after I leave you at the station?” asked the woman. + </p> + <p> + “To London—to Westbourne Park.” + </p> + <p> + “And then?” + </p> + <p> + “I don't know—I can't think. Oh, please leave me here!” + </p> + <p> + “No, my dear, I'll see you in your train at the station.” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps <i>he</i>'ll be there,” said Fan, in sudden fear. + </p> + <p> + “Oh no, bless you, <i>he</i> won't be there. He didn't mean any harm, + don't you believe it. We were only going to shut you up in the house just + for a few days because Miss Starbrow wanted us to.” + </p> + <p> + “Miss Starbrow!” + </p> + <p> + “Why, yes; didn't you get her telegram telling you to come to Twickenham + to her, and that I'd meet you at the station?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I remember. Where is she?” + </p> + <p> + “The Lord knows, my dear. But it seems she's taken a great hatred to you, + and can't abide you, and that's all I know. She came this morning with + Captain Horton, and they arranged it all together; and she telegraphed and + then went away, and said she hated the very sight of your face; and hoped + I'd keep you safe because she never wanted to see you again, and was sorry + she ever took you.” + </p> + <p> + “But why—why—what had I done?” moaned Fan, the tears coming to + her eyes. + </p> + <p> + “There's no knowing why, except that she's a cruel, wicked, bad woman. + That's all I know about it. Where is the telegram—have you got it?” + </p> + <p> + Fan put her hand into her pocket and then drew it out again. + </p> + <p> + “No, I haven't got it; I gave it to Rosie before I left—I remember + now she asked me for it when I was in the cab.” + </p> + <p> + “That's all right; it doesn't matter a bit. But tell me, where are you + going when you get back to London—back to Miss Starbrow?” + </p> + <p> + Fan looked at her, puzzled and surprised at the question. “But you say she + sent for me to shut me up because she hated me, and never wished to see me + again.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, my dear, that's quite right what I told you. But what are you going + to do in London? Where will you go to sleep to-night? Here's your bag + you'd forgotten all about; if you go and forget it you'll have no clothes + to change; and perhaps you'll lose yourself in London, and when they ask + you where you belong, you'll let them take you to Miss Starbrow's house.” + </p> + <p> + The woman in her anxiety was quite voluble; while Fan slowly turned it all + over in her mind before replying. “My head is paining so, I was + forgetting. But I shan't lose my bag, and I'll find some place to sleep + to-night. No, I'll never, never go back to Mary—to Miss Starbrow.” + </p> + <p> + “And you'll be able to take care of yourself?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes; will you let me go now?” + </p> + <p> + “Come then, I'll put you in your train with your bag; and don't you go and + speak to anyone about what happened here, and then you'll be quite safe. + Let Miss Starbrow think you are shut up safe out of her sight, and then + she won't trouble herself about you.” + </p> + <p> + “There's no one I can speak to—I have no one,” said Fan, mournfully; + after which they went on to the station, and she was put into her train + with her bag, and about three o'clock in the afternoon arrived at + Westbourne Park Station. + </p> + <p> + There were clothes enough in her bag to last her for some time with those + she was wearing, and money in her purse—two or three shillings in + small change and the sovereign which had been in her possession for + several months. Food and shelter could therefore be had, and she was not a + poor girl in rags now, but well dressed, so that she could go without fear + or shame to any registry office to seek an engagement. These thoughts + passed vaguely through her brain; her head seemed splitting, and she could + scarcely stand on her legs when she got out of the train at Westbourne + Park. It would be a dreadful thing if she were to fall down in the + streets, overcome with faintness, she thought, for then her bag and purse + might be stolen from her, or worse still, she might be taken back to the + house of her cruel enemy. Clinging to her bag, she walked on as fast as + she could seeking for some humble street with rooms to let—some + refuge to lie down in and rest her throbbing head. She passed through + Colville Gardens, scarcely knowing where she was; but the tall, gloomy, + ugly houses there were all too big for her; and she did not know that in + some of them were refuges for poor girls—servants and governesses + out of place—where for a few shillings a week she might have had + board and lodging. Turning aside, she came into the long, narrow, crooked + Portobello Road, full of grimy-looking shops, and after walking a little + further turned at last into a short street of small houses tenanted by + people of the labourer class. + </p> + <p> + At one of these houses she was shown a small furnished room by a + suspicious-looking woman, who asked four-and-sixpence a week for it, + including “hot water.” Fan agreed to take it for a week at that rent. The + poor woman wanted the money, but seemed undecided. Presently she said, + “You see, miss, it's like this, you haven't got no box, and ain't dressed + like one that lodges in these places, and—and I couldn't let you the + room without the money down.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I'll pay you now,” said Fan; and taking the sovereign from her purse, + asked the woman to get change. + </p> + <p> + “Very well, miss; if you'll go downstairs, I'll put the room straight for + you.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I must lie down now, my head is aching so,” said Fan, feeling that + she could no longer stand. + </p> + <p> + “What ails you—are you going to be ill?” + </p> + <p> + “No, no; this morning I had a fall and struck my head and hurt it so—look,” + and taking off her hat, she showed the plaster on her forehead. + </p> + <p> + That satisfied the woman, who had only been thinking of fever and her own + little ones, who were more to her than any stranger, and her manner became + kind at once. She imagined that her lodger was a young lady who for some + reason had run away from her friends. Smoothing down the coverlet, she + went away to get change, closing the door after her, and then, with a sigh + of relief, Fan threw herself on to the poor bed. + </p> + <p> + The pain she was in, and state of exhaustion after the violent emotions + and the rough handling she had experienced, prevented her from thinking + much of her miserable forlorn condition. She only wished for rest Yet she + could not rest, but turned her hot flushed face and throbbing head from + side to side, moaning with pain. By-and-by the woman came back with the + change and a very big cup of hot tea. + </p> + <p> + “This'll do your head good,” she said. “Better drink it hot, miss; I + always say there's nothing like a cup of tea for the headache.” + </p> + <p> + Fan took it gratefully and drank the whole of it, though it was rougher + tea than she had been accustomed to of late. And the woman proved a good + physician; it had the effect of throwing her into a profuse perspiration, + and before she had been alone for many minutes she fell asleep. + </p> + <p> + She did not wake until past nine o'clock, and found a lighted candle on + her table; her poor landlady had been up perhaps more than once to visit + her. She felt greatly refreshed; the danger, if there had been any, was + over now, but she was still drowsy—so drowsy that she longed to be + asleep again; and she only got up to undress and go to bed in a more + regular way. The time to think had not come yet; sleep alone seemed sweet + to her, and in its loving arms she would lie, for it seemed like one that + loved her always, like her poor dead mother who had never turned against + her and used her cruelly. Before she closed her heavy eyes the landlady + came into her room again to see her, and Fan gave her a shilling to get + some tea and bread-and-butter for her breakfast next day. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI + </h2> + <p> + When Fan awoke, physically well and refreshed by her long slumber, it had + been light some time, with such dim light as found entrance through the + clouded panes of one small window. The day was gloomy, with a bitterly + cold blustering east wind, which made the loose window-sashes rattle in + their frames, and blew the pungent smell of city smoke in at every crack. + She sat up and looked round at the small cheerless apartment, with no + fireplace, and for only furniture the bed she was lying on, one cane-chair + over which her clothes were thrown, and a circular iron wash-stand, with + yellow stone jug and ewer, and underneath a shelf for the soap dish. + </p> + <p> + She shivered and dropped her head again on the pillow. Then, for the first + time since that terrible experience of the previous day, she began to + realise her position, and to wonder greatly why she had been subjected to + such cruel treatment. The time had already come of which Mary had once + spoken prophetically, when they would be for ever separated, and she would + have to go out into the world unaided and fight her own battle. But, oh! + why had not Mary spoken to her, and told her that she could no longer keep + her, and sent her away? For then there would still have been affection and + gratitude in her heart for the woman who had done so much for her, and she + would have looked forward with hope to a future meeting. Love and hope + would have cheered her in her loneliness, and made her strong in her + efforts to live. But now all loving ties had been violently sundered, now + the separation was eternal. Even as death had divided her from her poor + mother, this cruel deed had now put her for all time apart from the one + friend she had possessed in the world. What had she done, what had she + done to be treated so hardly? Had she not been faithful, loving her + mistress with her whole heart? It was little to give in return for so + much, but it was her all, and Mary had required nothing more from her. It + was not enough; Mary had grown tired of her at last. And not tired only: + her loving-kindness had turned to wormwood and gall; the very sight of the + girl she had rescued and cared for had become hateful to her, and her + unjust hatred and anger had resulted in that cruel outrage. Now she + understood the reason of that change in Mary, when she grew silent and + stern and repellent before that fatal morning when she went away to carry + out her heartless scheme of revenge. But revenge for what?—and Fan + could only moan again and again, “What had I done? what had I done?” What + had she ever done that she should not be loved and allowed to live in + peace and happiness—what had she done to her brutal stepfather, or + to Captain Horton and to Rosie, that they should take pleasure in + tormenting her? + </p> + <p> + When the woman came in with the breakfast she found Fan lying sobbing on + her pillow. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, that's wrong to cry so,” she said, putting the tray on the table and + coming to the bedside. “Don't take on so, my poor young lady. Things'll + come right by-and-by. You'll write to your mother and father——” + </p> + <p> + “I've no mother and father,” said Fan, trying to repress her sobs. + </p> + <p> + “Then you'll have brothers and sisters and friends.” + </p> + <p> + “No, I've got no one. I only had one friend, and she's turned against me, + and I'm alone. I'm not a young lady; my mother was poorer than you, and I + must get something to do to make my living.” + </p> + <p> + This confession was a little shock to the woman, for it spoilt her + romance, and the result was that her interest in her young lodger + diminished considerably. + </p> + <p> + “Well, it ain't no use taking on, all the same,” she said, in a tone + somewhat less deferential and kind than before. “And it's too bad a day + for you to go out and look for anything. It's going to snow, I'm thinking; + so you'd better have your breakfast in bed and stay in to-day.” + </p> + <p> + Fan took her advice and remained all day in her room, thinking only of the + strange thing that had happened to her, of the misery of a life with no + one to love. Mary's image remained persistently in her mind, while the + bitter wind without made strange noises in the creaking zinc chimney-pots, + and rattled the window and hurled furious handfuls of mingled dust and + sleet against the panes. And yet she felt no anger in her heart; + unspeakable grief and despair precluded anger, and again and again she + cried, her whole frame convulsed with sobs, and the tears and sobs + exhausted her body but brought no relief to her mind. + </p> + <p> + Next day there was no wind, though it was still intensely cold, with a + dull grey cloud threatening snow over the whole sky; but it was time for + her to be up and doing, and she went out to seek for employment. She + wandered about in a somewhat aimless way, until, in the Ladbroke Grove + Road, she found a servants' registry-office, and went in to apply for a + place as nursemaid or nursery-governess. Mary had once told her that she + was fit for such a place, and there was nothing else she could think of. A + woman in the office took down her name and address, and promised to send + for her if she had any applications. She did not know of anyone in need of + a nursemaid or nursery-governess. “But you can call again to-morrow and + inquire,” she added. + </p> + <p> + On the following day she was advised to wait in the office so as to be on + the spot should anyone call to engage a girl. After waiting for some hours + the woman began to question her, and finding that she had no knowledge of + children, and had never been in service and could give no references, told + her brusquely that she was giving a great deal of unnecessary trouble, and + that she need not come to the office again, as in the circumstances no + lady would think of taking her. + </p> + <p> + Fan returned to her lodgings very much cast down, and there being no one + else to seek counsel from, told her troubles to her landlady. But the poor + woman had nothing very hopeful to say, and could only tell Fan of another + registry-office in Notting Hill High Street, and advise her to apply + there. + </p> + <p> + This was a larger place, and after her name, address, and other + particulars had been taken down in a book, she ventured to ask whether her + not having been in a place before, and being without a reference, would + make it very difficult for her to get a situation; the woman of the office + merely said, “One never knows.” + </p> + <p> + This was not very encouraging, but she was told that she could come every + day and sit as long as she liked in the waiting-room. There were always + several girls and women there—a row of them sitting chatting + together on chairs ranged against the wall—house, parlour, and + kitchen-maids out of places; and a few others of a better description, + modest-looking, well-dressed young women, who came and stood about for a + few minutes and then went away again. Of the girls of this kind Fan alone + remained patiently at her post, taking no interest in the conversation of + the others, anxious only to avoid their bold inquisitive looks and to keep + herself apart from them. Yet their conversation, to anyone wishing to know + something of the lights and shadows of downstair life, was instructive and + interesting enough. + </p> + <p> + “Only seven days in your last place!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I say!” + </p> + <p> + “But what did you leave for?” + </p> + <p> + “Because she was a beast—my missus was; and what I told her was that + it was seven days too much.” + </p> + <p> + “You never did!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I say!” + </p> + <p> + “And what did she say?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, it was like this. I was a-doing of my hair in the kitchen with the + curling-iron, when down comes Miss Julia. 'Oh, you are frizzing your + hair!' she says. 'Yes, miss,' I says, 'have you any objection?' I says. + 'Ma won't let you have a fringe,' she says. When I loses my temper, and I + says, 'Well, Miss Himperence, you can go and tell your ma that she can + find a servant as can do without a fringe.'” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I say!” etc., etc., etc. + </p> + <p> + They also made critical remarks on Fan's appearance, wondering what a + “young lady” wanted among servants. She felt no pride at being taken for a + lady; she had no feeling and no thought that gave her any pleasure, but + only a dull aching at the heart, only the wish in her mind to find + something to do and save herself from utter destitution. + </p> + <p> + For three days she continued to attend at the office, and beyond a short + “Good morning” from the woman that kept it each day, not a word was spoken + to her. The third day was Saturday, when the office would close early; and + after twelve o'clock, seeing that the others were all going, she too left, + to spend the time as best she could until the following Monday. The day + was windless and bright, and full of the promise of spring. Not feeling + hungry she did not return to her lodgings, but went for a short walk in + Kensington Gardens. Leaving the Broad Walk, she went into that secluded + spot near the old farm-like buildings of Kensington Palace and sat down on + one of the seats among the yews and fir trees. The new gate facing + Bayswater Hill has changed that spot now, making it more public, but it + was very quiet on that day as she sat there by herself. On that beautiful + spring morning her heart seemed strangely heavy, and her life more lonely + and desolate than ever. The memory of her loss came over her like a bitter + flood, and covering her face with her hands she gave free vent to her + grief. There was no person near, no one to be attracted by her sobs. But + one person was passing at some distance, and glancing in her direction + through the trees, saw her, and stopped in her walk. It was Miss Starbrow, + and in the figure of the weeping girl she had recognised Fan. Her face + darkened, and she walked on, but presently she stopped again, and stood + irresolute, swinging the end of her sunshade over the young grass. At + length she turned and walked slowly towards the girl, but Fan was sobbing + with covered face, and did not hear her steps and rustling dress. For some + moments Miss Starbrow continued watching her, a scornful smile on her lips + and a strange look in her eyes as of a slightly cruel feeling struggling + against compassion. At length she spoke, startling Fan with her voice + sounding so close to her. + </p> + <p> + “Crying? Well, I am glad that your sin has found you out! Glad you have + met with some thief cleverer than yourself, who has stolen your booty, I + suppose, and left you penniless—a beggar as I found you! I admire + your courage in coming here, but you needn't be afraid; I'll have mercy on + you. You have punished yourself more than I could punish you; and some day + I shall perhaps see you again in rags, starving in the streets, and shall + fling a penny to you.” + </p> + <p> + Fan had started at first with an instinctive fear—a vague + apprehension that she would be seized and dragged away to be shut up and + tortured as Miss Starbrow had desired. But suddenly this feeling gave + place to another, to a burning resentment experienced for the first time + against this woman who had made her suffer so cruelly, and now came to + taunt her and mock at her misery. It suffocated and made her dumb for a + time. Then she burst out: “You wicked bad woman! You beast—you + beast, how I hate you! Oh, I wish God would strike you dead!” + </p> + <p> + “How dare you say such things to me, you ungrateful, shameless little + thief!” + </p> + <p> + “You liar—you beast of a liar!” exclaimed Fan, still torn with the + rage that possessed her. “Go away, you liar! Leave me, you wicked devil! I + hate you! I hate you!” + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow uttered a little scornful laugh. “You would have some reason + to hate me if I were to shut you up for six months with hard labour,” she + answered, turning aside as if about to walk away. + </p> + <p> + To shut her up for six months! Yes, that was what she had tried to do with + the assistance of a strong man and woman. And what other tortures and + sufferings had she intended to inflict on her victim! It was too much to + be reminded of this. It turned her blood into liquid fire, and maddened + her brain; and struggling to find words to speak the rage that + overmastered her, suddenly, as if by a miracle, every evil term of + reproach, every profane and blasphemous expression of drunken brutish + anger she had heard and shuddered at in the old days in Moon Street, + flashed back into her mind, and she poured them out in a furious torrent, + hurled them at her torturer; and then, exhausted, sunk back into her seat, + and covering her face again, sobbed convulsively. + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow's face turned crimson with shame, and she moved two or three + steps away; then she turned, and said in cold incisive tones: + </p> + <p> + “I see, Fan, that you have not forgotten all the nice things you learnt + before I took you out of the slums to shelter and feed and clothe you. + This will be a lesson to me: I had not thought so meanly of the suffering + poor as you make me think. They say that even dogs are grateful to those + that feed them. And I did more than feed you, Fan. That's the last word + you will ever hear from me.” + </p> + <p> + She was moving away, but Fan, stung by a reproach so cruelly unjust, + started to her feet with a cry of passion. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I know you gave me these things—oh, I wish I could tear off + this dress you gave me! And this is the money you gave me—take it! I + hate it!” And drawing her purse from her pocket, she flung it down at Miss + Starbrow's feet. Then, searching for something else to fling back to the + donor, she drew out that crumpled pink paper which had been all the time + in her pocket. “And take this too—the wicked telegram you sent me. + It is yours, like the money—take it, you bad, hateful woman!” + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow still remained standing near, watching her, and in spite of + her own great anger, she could not help feeling very much astonished at + such an outburst of fury from a girl who had always seemed to her so + mild-spirited. She touched the crumpled piece of paper with her foot, then + glanced back at the girl seated again with bowed head and covered face. + What had she meant by a telegram? Curiosity overcame the impulse to walk + away, and stooping, she picked up the paper and smoothed it out and read, + “From Miss Starbrow, Twickenham. To Miss Affleck, Dawson Place.” + </p> + <p> + She had not been to Twickenham, and had sent no telegram to Fan. Then she + read the message and turned the paper over, and read it again and again, + glancing at intervals at the girl. Then she went up to her and put her + hand on her shoulder. Fan started and shook the hand off, and raised her + eyes wet with tears and red with weeping, but still full of anger. + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow caught her by the arm. “Tell me what this means—this + telegram; when did you get it, and who gave it to you?” she said in such a + tone that the girl was compelled to obey. + </p> + <p> + “You know when you sent it,” said Fan. + </p> + <p> + “I never sent it! Oh, my God, can't you understand what I say? Answer—answer + my question!” + </p> + <p> + “Rosie gave it to me.” + </p> + <p> + “And you went to Twickenham?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes.” + </p> + <p> + “And what happened?” + </p> + <p> + “And the woman you sent to meet me—” + </p> + <p> + “Hush! don't say that. Are you daft? Don't I tell you I never sent it. + Tell me, tell me, or you'll drive me mad!” + </p> + <p> + Fan looked at her in astonishment. Could it be that it had never entered + into Mary's heart to do this cruel thing? That raging tempest in her heart + was fast subsiding. She began to collect her faculties. + </p> + <p> + “The woman met me,” she continued, “and took me a long way from the + station to a little house. She tried to take me upstairs. She said you + were waiting for me, but I looked up and saw Captain Horton peeping over + the banisters—” + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow clenched her hands and uttered a little cry. Her face had + become white, and she turned away from the girl. Presently she sat down, + and said in a strangely altered voice, “Tell me, Fan, did you take some + jewels from my dressing-table—a brooch and three rings, and some + other things?” + </p> + <p> + “I took nothing except what you—what the telegram said, and Rosie + put the things in a bag and got the cab for me.” + </p> + <p> + For a minute or two Miss Starbrow sat in silence, and then got up and + said: + </p> + <p> + “Come, Fan.” + </p> + <p> + “Where?” + </p> + <p> + “Home with me to Dawson Place.” Then she added, “Must I tell you again + that I have done nothing to harm you? Do you not understand that it was + all a wicked horrible plot to get you away and destroy you, that the + telegram was a forgery, that the jewels were taken to make it appear that + you had stolen them and run away during my absence from the house?” + </p> + <p> + Fan rose and followed her, and when they got to the Bayswater Road Miss + Starbrow called a cab. + </p> + <p> + “Where is your bag—where did you sleep last night?” she asked; and + when Fan had told her she said, “Tell the man to drive us there,” and got + in. + </p> + <p> + In a few minutes they arrived at her lodging, and Fan got out and went in + to get her bag. She did not owe anything for rent, having paid in advance, + but she gave the woman a shilling. + </p> + <p> + “I knew I was right,” said the woman, who was now all smiles. “Bless you, + miss, you ain't fit to make your own living like one of us. Well, I'm real + pleased your friends has found you.” + </p> + <p> + Fan got into the cab again, and they proceeded in silence to Dawson Place. + A small boy in buttons, who had only been engaged a day or two before, + opened the door to them. They went up to the bedroom on the first floor. + </p> + <p> + “Sit down, Fan, and rest yourself,” said Miss Starbrow, closing and + locking the door; then after moving about the room in an aimless way for a + little while, she came and sat down near the girl. “Before you tell me + this dreadful story, Fan,” she said, “I wish to ask you one thing more. + One day last week when it was raining you came home from Kensington with a + young man. Who was he—a friend of yours?” + </p> + <p> + “A friend of mine! oh no. I was hurrying back in the rain when he came up + to me and held his umbrella over my head, and walked to the door with me. + It was kind of him, I thought, because he was a stranger, and I had never + seen him before.” + </p> + <p> + “It was a small thing, but you usually tell me everything, and you did not + tell me this?” + </p> + <p> + “No, I was waiting to tell you that—and something else, and didn't + tell you because you seemed angry with me, and I was afraid to speak to + you.” + </p> + <p> + “What was the something else you were going to tell me?” + </p> + <p> + Fan related the scene she had witnessed in the drawing-room. It had seemed + a great thing then, and had disturbed her very much, but now, after all + she had recently gone through, it seemed a very trivial matter. + </p> + <p> + To the other it did not appear so small a matter, to judge from her black + looks. She got up and moved about the room again, and then once more sat + down beside the girl. + </p> + <p> + “Now tell me your own story—everything from the moment you got the + telegram up to our meeting in the Gardens.” + </p> + <p> + With half-averted face she listened, while the girl again began the + interrupted narration, and went on telling everything to the finish, + wondering at times why Mary sat so silent with face averted, as if afraid + to meet her eyes. But when she finished Mary turned and took her hand. + </p> + <p> + “Poor Fan,” she said, “you have gone through a dreadful experience, and + scarcely seem to understand even now what danger you were in. But there + will be time enough to talk of all this—to congratulate you on such + a fortunate escape; just now I have got to deal with that infamous wretch + of a girl who still poisons the house with her presence.” + </p> + <p> + She rose and rung the bell sharply, and when the boy in buttons answered + it, she ordered him to send Rosie to her. + </p> + <p> + “She's gone,” said he. + </p> + <p> + “Gone! what do you mean—when did she go?” + </p> + <p> + “Just now, ma'am. She came up to speak to you when you came in, and then + she got her box down and went away in a cab.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow then sent for the cook. “What does this mean about Rosie's + going?” she demanded of that person. “How came you to let her go without + informing me?” + </p> + <p> + “She came down and said she had had some words with you, and was going to + leave because Miss Fan had been took back.” + </p> + <p> + “And the wretch has then got away with my jewellery! What else did she + say?” + </p> + <p> + “Nothing very good, ma'am. I'd rather not tell you.” + </p> + <p> + “Tell me at once when I order you.” + </p> + <p> + “I asked if she was going without her wages and a character, and she said + as you had paid her her wages, \and she didn't want a character, because + she didn't consider the house was respectable.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow sent her away and closed the door; presently she sat down at + some distance from Fan, but spoke no word. Fan was in a low easy-chair + near the window, through which the sun was shining very brightly. She + looked pale and languid, resting her cheek on her palm and never moving; + only at intervals, when Miss Starbrow, with an exclamation of rage, would + rise and take a few steps about the room and then drop into her seat + again, the girl would raise her eyes and glance at her. All the keen + suffering, the strife, the bitterness of heart and anger were over, and + the reaction had come. It had all been a mistake; Mary had never dreamt of + doing her harm: the whole trouble had been brought about by Captain Horton + and Rosie; but she remembered them with a strange indifference; the fire + of anger had burnt itself out in her heart and could not be rekindled. + </p> + <p> + With the other it was different. It had been a great shock to her to + discover that the girl she had befriended, and loved as she had never + loved anyone of her own sex before, was so false, so unutterably base. For + some little time she refused to believe it, and a horrible suspicion of + foul play had crossed her mind. But the proofs stared her in the face, and + she remembered that Fan had kept that acquaintance she had formed with + someone out of doors a secret. On returning to the house in the evening, + she was told that shortly after she had gone out for the day a letter was + brought addressed to Fan, and, when questioned, she had refused to tell + Rosie who it was from. At one o'clock Rosie had gone up with her dinner, + and, missing her, had searched for her in all the rooms, and was then + amazed to find that most of the girl's clothes had also disappeared. But + she did not know that anything else had been taken. Miss Starbrow missed + some jewels she had put on her dressing-table, and on a further search it + was discovered that other valuables, and one of her best travelling bags, + were also gone. The astonishment and indignation displayed by the maid, + who exclaimed that she had always considered Fan a sly little hypocrite, + helped perhaps to convince her mistress that the girl had taken advantage + of her absence to make her escape from the house. Miss Starbrow remembered + how confused and guilty she had looked for two or three days before her + flight, and came to the conclusion that the young friend out of doors, not + being able to see Fan, had kept a watch on the house, and had cunningly + arranged it all, and finally sent or left the letter instructing her where + to meet him, also probably advising her what to take. + </p> + <p> + But Miss Starbrow had not been entirely bound up in the girl: she had + other affections and interests in life, and great as the shock had been + and the succeeding anger, she had recovered her self-possession, and had + set herself to banish Fan from her remembrance. She was ashamed to let her + servants and friends see how deeply she had been wounded by the little + starving wretch she had compassionately rescued from the streets. + Outwardly she did not appear much affected; and when Rosie, with + well-feigned surprise, asked if the police were not to be employed to + trace the stolen articles and arrest the thief, she only laughed + carelessly and replied: “No; she has punished herself enough already, and + the trinkets have no doubt been sold before now, and could not be traced.” + </p> + <p> + Rosie hurried away to hide the relief she felt, for she had been trembling + to think what might happen if some cunning detective were to be employed + to make investigations in the house. + </p> + <p> + Now, however, when Mary began to recover from the amazement caused by + Fan's narrative, a dull rage took such complete possession of her that it + left no room for any other feeling. The girl sitting there with bent head + seemed no more to her than some stranger who had just come in, and about + whom she knew and cared nothing. All that Fan had suffered was forgotten: + she only thought of herself, of the outrage on her feelings, of the vile + treachery of the man who had pretended to love her, whom she had loved and + had treated so kindly, helping him with money and in other ways, and + forgiving him again and again when he had offended her. She could not rest + or sit still when she thought of it, and she thought of it continually and + of nothing else. She rose and paced the room, pausing at every step, and + turning herself from side to side, like some savage animal, strong and + lithe and full of deadly rage, but unable to spring, trapped and shut + within iron bars. Her face had changed to a livid white, and looked hard + and pitiless, and her eyes had a fixed stony stare like those of a + serpent. And at intervals, as she moved about the room, she clenched her + hands with such energy that the nails wounded her palms. And from time to + time her rage would rise to a kind of frenzy, and find expression in a + voice strangely harsh and unnatural, deeper than a man's, and then + suddenly rising to a shrill piercing key that startled Fan and made her + tremble. Poor Fan! that little burst of transitory anger she had + experienced in the Gardens seemed now only a pitifully weak exhibition + compared with the black tempest raging in this strong, undisciplined + woman's soul. + </p> + <p> + “And I have loved him—loved that hell-hound! God! shall I ever cease + to despise and loathe myself for sinking into such a depth of infamy! + Never—never—until his viper head has been crushed under my + heel! To strike! to crush! to torture! How?—have I no mind to think? + Nothing can I do—nothing—nothing! Are there no means? Ah, how + sweet to scorch the skin and make the handsome face loathsome to look at! + To burn the eyes up in their sockets—to shut up the soul for ever in + thick blackness!... Oh, is there no wise theologian who can prove to me + that there is a hell, that he will be chained there and tortured + everlastingly! That would satisfy me—to remember it would be sweeter + than Heaven.” + </p> + <p> + Suddenly she turned in a kind of fury on Fan, who had risen trembling from + her seat. “Sit down!” she said. “Hide your miserable white face from my + sight! You could have warned me in time, you could have saved me from + this, and you failed to do it! Oh, I could strike you dead with my hand + for your imbecile cowardice!... And he will escape me! To blast his name, + to hold him up to public scorn and hatred, years of imprisonment in a + felon's cell—all, all the suffering we can inflict on such a + fiendish wretch seems weak and childish, and could give no comfort to my + soul. Oh, it drives me mad to think of it—I shall go mad—I + shall go mad!” And shrieking, and with eyes that seemed starting from + their sockets, she began madly tearing her hair and clothes. + </p> + <p> + Fan had risen again, white and trembling at that awful sight; and unable + to endure it longer, she sprang to the door, and crying out with terror, + flew down to the kitchen. The cook returned with her, and on entering the + room they discovered their mistress in a mad fit of hysterics, shrieking + with laughter, and tearing her clothes off. The woman was strong, and + seeing that prompt action was needed, seized her mistress in her arms and + threw her on to the couch, and held her there in spite of her frantic + struggles. Assisted by Fan, she then emptied the contents of the toilet + jug over her face and naked bosom, half drowning her; and after a while + Miss Starbrow ceased her struggles, and sank back gasping and half + fainting on the cushion, her eyes closed and her face ghostly white. + </p> + <p> + “You see,” said the cook to Fan, “she never had one before, and she's a + strong one, and it's always worse for that sort when it do come. Lor', + what a temper she must have been in to take on so!” + </p> + <p> + Between them they succeeded in undressing and placing her on her bed, + where she lay for an hour in a half-conscious state; but later in the day + she began to recover, and moved to the couch near the fire, while Fan sat + beside her on the carpet, watching the face that looked so strange in its + whiteness and languor, and keeping the firelight from the half-closed + eyes. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Fan, how weak I feel now—so weak!” she murmured. “And a little + while ago I felt so strong! If he had been present I could have torn the + flesh from his bones. No tiger in the jungle maddened by the hunters has + such strength as I felt in me then. And now it has all gone, and he has + escaped from me. Let him go. All the kindly feeling I had for him—all + the hopes for his future welfare, all my secret plans to aid him—they + are dead. But it was all so sudden. Was it to-day, Fan, that I saw you + sitting in Kensington Gardens, crying by yourself, or a whole year ago? + Poor Fan! poor Fan!” + </p> + <p> + The girl had hid her face against Mary's knee. + </p> + <p> + “But why do you cry, my poor girl?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, dear Mary, will you ever forgive me?” said Fan, half raising her + tearful face. + </p> + <p> + “Forgive you, Fan! For what?” + </p> + <p> + “For what I said to-day in the Gardens. Oh, why, why did I say such + dreadful things! Oh, I am so—so sorry—I am so sorry!” + </p> + <p> + “I remember now, but I had forgotten all about it. That was nothing, Fan—less + than nothing. It was not you that spoke, but the demon of anger that had + possession of you. I forgive you freely for that, poor child, and shall + never think of it again. But I shall never be able to feel towards you as + I did before. Never, Fan.” + </p> + <p> + “Mary, Mary, what have I done!” + </p> + <p> + “Nothing, child. It is not anything you have done, or that you have left + undone. But I took you into my house and into my heart, and only asked you + to love and trust me, and you forgot it all in a moment, and were ready to + believe the worst of me. A stranger told you that I had secretly planned + your destruction, and you at once believed it. How could you find it in + your heart to believe such a thing of me—a thing so horrible, so + impossible?” + </p> + <p> + Fan, with her face hidden, continued crying. + </p> + <p> + “But don't cry, Fan. You shall not suffer. If you could lose all faith in + me, and think me such a demon of wickedness, you are not to blame. You are + not what I imagined, but only what nature made you. Where I thought you + strong you are weak, and it was my mistake.” + </p> + <p> + Suddenly Fan raised her eyes, wet with tears, and looked fixedly at the + other's face; nor did she drop them when Mary's eyes, opening wide and + expressing a little surprise at the girl's courage, and a little + resentment, returned the look. + </p> + <p> + “Mary,” she said, speaking in a voice which had recovered its firmness, “I + loved you so much, and I had never done anything wrong, and—and you + said you would always love and trust me because you knew that I was good.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, Fan?” + </p> + <p> + “And you believed what Rosie said about me, and that I was a thief, and + had taken your jewels and ran away.” + </p> + <p> + Mary cast down her eyes, and the corners of her mouth twitched as if with + a slight smile. + </p> + <p> + “That is true,” she said slowly. “You are right, Fan; you are not so poor + as I thought, but can defend yourself with your tongue or your teeth, as + occasion requires. Perhaps my sin balances yours after all, and leaves us + quits. Perhaps when I get over this trouble I shall love you as much as + ever—perhaps more.” + </p> + <p> + “And you are not angry with me now, Mary?” + </p> + <p> + “No, Fan, I was not angry with you: kiss me if you like. Only I feel very, + very tired—tired and sick of my life, and wish I could lie down and + sleep and forget everything.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII + </h2> + <p> + On the very next day Miss Starbrow was herself again apparently, and the + old life was resumed just where it had been broken off. But although + outwardly things went on in the old way, and her mistress was not unkind, + and she had her daily walk, her reading, sewing, and embroidery to fill + her time, the girl soon perceived that something very precious to her had + been lost in the storm, and she looked and waited in vain for its + recovery. In spite of those reassuring well-remembered words Mary had + spoken to her, the old tender affection and confidence, which had made + their former relations seem so sweet, now seemed lost. Mary was not + unkind, but that was all. She did not wish Fan to read to her, or give her + any assistance in dressing, or to remain long in her room, but preferred + to be left alone. When she spoke, her words and tone were not ungentle, + but she no longer wished to talk, and after a few minutes she would send + her away; and then Fan, sad at heart, would go to her own room—that + large back room where her bed had been allowed to remain, and where she + worked silent and solitary, sitting before her own fire. + </p> + <p> + One day, just as she came in from her morning walk, a letter was left by + the postman, and Fan took it up to her mistress, glad always of an excuse + to go to her—for now some excuse seemed necessary. + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow, sitting moodily before her fire in her bedroom, took it; + but the moment she looked at the writing she started as if a snake had + bitten her, and flung the letter into the fire. Then, while watching it + blaze up, she suddenly exclaimed: + </p> + <p> + “I was a fool to burn it before first seeing what was in it!” + </p> + <p> + Before she finished speaking Fan darted her hand into the flame, and + tossing the burning letter on the rug, stamped out the fire with her foot. + The envelope and the outer leaf of the letter were black and charred, but + the inner leaf, which was the part written on, had not suffered. + </p> + <p> + “Thanks, Fan; that was clever,” said Miss Starbrow, taking it; and then + proceeded to read it, holding it far from her face as if her eyesight had + suddenly fallen into decay. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Dear Pollie [ran the letter], When I saw that girl back in your + house I knew that it would be all over between us. It is a terrible + thing for me to lose you in that way, but there is no help for it now; + I know that you will not forgive me. But I don't wish you to think of + me worse than I deserve. You know as well as I do that since you took + Fan into the house you have changed towards me, and that without + quite throwing me over you made it as uncomfortable for me as you + could. As things did not improve, I became convinced that as long as + you had her by you it would continue the same, so I resolved to get + her out of the way. I partially succeeded, and she would have been + kept safely shut up for a few days, and then sent to a distant part + of the country, to be properly taken care of. That is the whole of my + offence, and I am very sorry that my plan failed. Nothing more than + that was intended; and if you have imagined anything more you have + done me an injustice. I am bad enough, I suppose, but not so bad as + that; and I hate and always have hated that girl, who has been my + greatest enemy, though perhaps unintentionally. That is all I have to + say, except that I shall never forget how different it once was—how + kind you could be, and how happy you often made me before that + miserable creature came between us. + + Good-bye for ever, + + JACK. +</pre> + <p> + Miss Starbrow laughed bitterly. “There, Fan, read it,” she said. “It is + all about you, and you deserve a reward for burning your fingers. Coward + and villain! why has he added this infamous lie to his other crimes? It + has only made me hate and despise him more than ever. If he had had the + courage to confess everything, and even to boast of it, I should not have + thought so meanly of him.” + </p> + <p> + The wound was bleeding afresh. Her face had grown pale, and under her + black scowling brows her eyes shone as if with the reflected firelight. + But it was only the old implacable anger flashing out again. + </p> + <p> + Fan, after reading the letter for herself, and dropping it with trembling + fingers on to the fire, turned to her mistress. Her face had also grown + very pale, and her eyes expressed a new and great trouble. + </p> + <p> + “Why do you look at me like that?” exclaimed Miss Starbrow, seizing her by + the arm. “Speak!” + </p> + <p> + Fan sank down on to her knees, and began stammeringly, “Oh, I can't bear + to think—to think—” + </p> + <p> + “To think what?—Speak, I tell you!” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Did</i> I come between you?—oh, Mary, are you sorry—” + </p> + <p> + “Hush!” and Miss Starbrow pushed her angrily from her. “Sorry! Never dare + to say such a thing again! Oh, I don't know which is most hateful to me, + his villainy or your whining imbecility. Leave me—go to your room, + and never come to me unless I call you.” + </p> + <p> + Fan went away, sad at heart, and cried by herself, fearing now that the + sweet lost love would never again return to brighten her life. But after + this passionate outburst Miss Starbrow was not less kind and gentle than + before. Once at least every day she would call Fan to her room and speak a + few words to her, and then send her away. The few words would even be + cheerfully spoken, but with a fictitious kind of cheerfulness; under it + all there was ever a troubled melancholy look; the clouds which had + returned after the rain had not yet passed away. To Fan they were very + much, those few daily words which served to keep her hope alive, while her + heart hungered for the love that was more than food to her. + </p> + <p> + Even in her sleep this unsatisfied instinct of her nature and perpetual + craving made her dreams sad. But not always, for on more than one occasion + she had a very strange sweet dream of Mary pressing her lips and + whispering some tender assurance to her; and this dream was so vivid, so + like reality, that when she woke she seemed to feel still on face and + hands the sensation of loving lips and other clasping hands, so that she + put out her hands to return the embrace. And one night from that dream she + woke very suddenly, and saw a light in the room—the light of a small + shaded lamp moving away towards the door, and Mary, in a white wrapper, + with her dark hair hanging unbound on her back, was carrying it. + </p> + <p> + “Mary, Mary!” cried the girl, starting up in bed, and holding out her + arms. + </p> + <p> + The other turned, and for a little while stood looking at her; no ghost + nor somnambulist was she in appearance, with those bright wakeful eyes, + the curious smile that played about her lips, and the rich colour, perhaps + from confusion or shame at being detected, surging back into her lately + pale face. She did not refuse the girl's appeal, or try any longer to + conceal her feelings. Setting the lamp down she came to the bedside, and + taking Fan in her arms, held her in a long close embrace. When she had + finished caressing the girl she remained standing for some time silent + beside the bed, her eyes cast down as if in thought, and an expression + half melancholy but strangely tender and beautiful on her face. + </p> + <p> + Presently she bent down over the girl again and spoke. + </p> + <p> + “Don't fret, dearest, if I seem bad-tempered and strange. I love you just + the same; I have come here more than once to kiss you when you were + asleep. Do you remember how angry you made me when you asked if you had + come between that man and me, and if I were sorry? You <i>did</i> come + between us, Fan, in a way that his wholly corrupt soul would never + understand. But you could not have done me a greater service than that—no, + not if you had spilt your heart's blood for me. You have repaid me for all + that I have done, or ever can do for you, and have made me your debtor + besides for the rest of my life.” + </p> + <p> + That midnight interview with her mistress had thereafter a very bright and + beautiful place in Fan's memory, and still thinking of it she would + sometimes lie awake for hours, wishing and hoping that Mary would come to + her again in one of her tender moods. But it did not happen again; for + Mary was not one to recover quickly from such a wound as she had suffered, + and she still brooded, wrapped up in her own thoughts, dreaming perhaps of + revenge. And in the meantime bitter blustering March wore on to its end, + the sun daily gaining power; and then, all at once, it was April, with + sunshine and showers; and some heavenly angel passed by and touched the + brown old desolate elms in Kensington Gardens with tenderest green; and as + by a miracle the baskets of the flower-girls in Westbourne Grove were + filled to overflowing with spring flowers—pale primroses that die + unmarried; and daffodils that come before the swallow dares, shining like + gold; and violets dim, but sweeter than the lids of Juno's eyes, or + Cytherea's breath. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII + </h2> + <p> + One afternoon, returning from Westbourne Grove, where she had been out to + buy flowers for the table, on coming into the hall, Fan was surprised to + hear Miss Starbrow in the dining-room talking to a stranger, with a + cheerful ring in her voice, which had not been heard for many weeks. She + was about to run upstairs to her room, when her mistress called out, “Is + that you, Fan? Come in here; I want you.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow and her visitor were sitting near the window. How changed + she looked, with her cheeks so full of rich red colour, and her dark eyes + sparkling with happy, almost joyous excitement! But she did not speak when + Fan, blushing a little with shyness, advanced into the room and stood + before them, her eyes cast down in a pretty confusion. Smiling, she + watched the girl's face, then the face of her guest, her eyes bright and + mirthful glancing from one to the other. Fan, looking up, saw before her a + tall broad-shouldered young man with good features, hair almost black; no + beard, but whiskers and moustache, very dark brown; and, in strange + contrast, grey-blue eyes. Over these eyes, too light in colour to match + the hair, the eyelids drooped a little, giving to them that + partially-closed sleepy appearance which is often deceptive. Just now they + were studying the girl standing before him with very keen interest. A + slender girl, not quite sixteen years old, in a loose and broad-sleeved + olive-green dress, and yellow scarf at the neck; brown straw hat trimmed + with spring flowers; flowers also in her hand, yellow and white, and + ferns, in a great loose bunch; and her golden hair hanging in a braid on + her back. But the face must be imagined, white and delicate and + indescribably lovely in its tender natural pallor. + </p> + <p> + “Fan,” said Miss Starbrow at last, and speaking with a merry smile, “this + is my brother Tom, from Manchester, you have so often heard me speak of. + Tom, this is Fan.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” exclaimed Miss Starbrow, after he had shaken hands with Fan and + sat down again, “what do you think of my little girl? You have heard all + about her, and now you have seen her, and I am waiting to hear your + opinion.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you remember the old days at home, Mary, when we were all together? + How you do remind me of them now!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, bother the old days! You know how I hated them, and I—why don't + you answer my question, Tom?” + </p> + <p> + “That's just it,” he returned. “It was always the same: you always wanted + an answer before the question was out of your mouth. Now, it was quite + different with the rest of us.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, you were a slow lot. Do you remember Jacob?—it always took him + fifteen minutes to say yes or no. There's an animal—I forget what + it's called—rhinoceros or something—at the Zoo that always + reminds me of him; he was so fearfully ponderous.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, that's all very well, Mary, but I fancy he's more than doubled the + fortune the gov'nor left him; so he has been ponderous to some purpose.” + </p> + <p> + “Has he? how? But what do I care! Tom, you'll drive me crazy—why + can't you answer a simple question instead of going off into fifty other + things?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, Mary, if you'll kindly explain which of all the questions you have + asked me during the last minute or two, I'll try my best.” + </p> + <p> + She frowned, made an impatient gesture, then laughed. + </p> + <p> + “Go upstairs and take off your things, Fan,” she said. “Well?” she + continued, turning to her brother again, and finding his eyes fixed on her + face. “Do you tell me, Mary, that this white girl was born and bred in a + London slum, that her drunken mother was killed in a street fight, and + that she had no other life but that until you picked her up?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes.” + </p> + <p> + “Good God!” + </p> + <p> + “Can't you say <i>Mon Dieu</i>, Tom? Your north-country expressions sound + rather shocking to London ears.” + </p> + <p> + He rose, and coming to her side put his arm about her and kissed her cheek + very heartily. + </p> + <p> + “You were always a good old girl, Mary,” he said, “and you are one still, + in spite of your vagaries.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you for your very equivocal compliments,” she returned, + administering a slight box on his ear. “And now tell me what you think of + Fan?” + </p> + <p> + “I'll tell you presently, if you have not guessed already; but I'd like to + know first what you are going to do with her.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't know; I can't bother about it just now. There's plenty of time to + think of that. Perhaps I'll make a lady's-maid of her, though it doesn't + seem quite the right thing to do.” + </p> + <p> + “No, it doesn't. Don't go and spoil what you have done by any such folly + as that.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you want me to make a lady of her—or what?” + </p> + <p> + “A lady? Well that is a difficult question to answer; but I have heard + that sometimes ladies, like poets, are born, not made. At all events, it + would not be right, I fancy, to keep the girl here. It might give rise to + disagreeable complications, as you always have a parcel of fellows hanging + about you.” + </p> + <p> + Her face darkened with a frown. + </p> + <p> + “Now, Mary, don't get into a tantrum; it is best for us to be frank. And I + say frankly that you never did a better thing in your life than when you + took this girl into your house, if my judgment is worth anything. My + advice is, send her away for a time—for a year or two, say. She is + young, and would be better for a little more teaching. There are poor + gentlefolks all over the country who are only too glad to take a girl when + they can get one, and give her a pleasant home and instruction for a + moderate sum. Find out some such place, and give her a year of it at + least; and then if you should have her back she would be more of a + companion for you, and, if not, she would be better able to earn her own + living. Take my advice, Mary, and finish a good work properly.” + </p> + <p> + “A good work! You have nearly spoilt the effect of everything you said by + that word. I never have done and never will do good works. It is not my + nature, Tom. What I have done for Fan is purely from selfish motives. The + fact is I fell in love with the girl, and my reward is in being loved by + her and seeing her happy. It would be ridiculous to call that + benevolence.” + </p> + <p> + He smiled and shook his head. “You can abuse yourself if you like, Mary; + we came from Dissenters, and that's a fashion of theirs—” + </p> + <p> + “Cant and hypocrisy is a fashion of theirs, if you like,” she interrupted. + “You are not going the right way about it if you wish me to pay any + attention to your advice.” + </p> + <p> + “Come, Mary, don't let us quarrel. I'll agree with you that we are all a + lot of selfish beggars; and I'll even confess that I have a selfish motive + in advising you to send the girl away to the country for a time.” + </p> + <p> + “What is your motive?” she asked. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I hate going slap-dash into the middle of a thing without any + preface; I like to approach it in my own way.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I know; <i>your</i> way of approaching a subject is to walk in a + circle round it. But please dash into the middle of it for once.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, then, to tell you the plain truth, I am beginning to think that + money-getting is not the only thing in life—” + </p> + <p> + “What a discovery for a Manchester man to make! The millennium must have + dawned at last on your smoky old town!” + </p> + <p> + He laughed at her words, but refused to go on with the subject. + </p> + <p> + “I was only teasing you a little,” he said. “It gladdens me even to see + you put yourself in a temper, Mary—it brings back old times when we + were always such good friends, and sometimes had such grand quarrels.” + </p> + <p> + Mary also laughed, and rang the bell for afternoon tea. She was curious to + hear about the “selfish motive,” but remembered the family failing, and + forbore to press him. + </p> + <p> + According to his own accounts, Mr. Tom Starbrow was up in town on + business; apparently the business was not of a very pressing nature, as + most of his time during the next few days was spent at Dawson Place, where + he and his sister had endless conversations about old times. Then he would + go with Fan to explore Whiteley's, which seemed to require a great deal of + exploring; and from these delightful rambles they would return laden with + treasures—choice bon-bons, exotic flowers and hot-house grapes at + five or six shillings a pound; quaint Japanese knick-knacks; books and + pictures, and photographs of celebrated men—great beetle-browed + philosophers, and men of blood and thunder; also of women still more + celebrated, on and off the stage. Mr. Starbrow would have nothing sent; + the whole fun of the thing, he assured Fan, was in carrying all their + purchases home themselves; and so, laden with innumerable small parcels, + they would return chatting and laughing like the oldest and best of + friends, happy and light-hearted as children. + </p> + <p> + At last one day Mr. Starbrow went back to the old subject. “Mary, my + girl,” he said, “have you thought over the advice I gave you about this + white child of yours?” + </p> + <p> + “No, certainly not; we were speaking of it when you broke off in the + middle of a sentence, if you remember. You can finish the sentence now if + you like, but don't be in a hurry.” + </p> + <p> + “Well then, to come at once to the very pith of the whole matter, I think + I've been sticking to the mill long enough—for the present. And it + may come to pass that some day I shall be married, and then——” + </p> + <p> + “Your second state will be worse than your first.” + </p> + <p> + “That will be according to how it turns out. I was only going to say that + a married man finds it more difficult to do some things.” + </p> + <p> + “To flirt with pretty young girls, for instance?” + </p> + <p> + “No, no. But I haven't finished yet. I haven't even come to the matter at + all.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you haven't! How strange!” + </p> + <p> + He smiled and was silent. + </p> + <p> + “I hope, Tom, you'll marry a big strong woman.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, Mary?” + </p> + <p> + “Because you want an occasional good shaking.” + </p> + <p> + “You see, my difficulty is this,” he began again, without noticing the + last speech. “When I tell you what I want, I'm afraid you'll only laugh at + me and refuse my request.” + </p> + <p> + “It won't hurt you much, poor old Tom, if I do laugh.” + </p> + <p> + “No, perhaps not—I never thought of that.” Then he proceeded to + explain that he had made up his mind to spend two or three years in seeing + the world, or at all events that portion of it to be found outside of + England; and the first year he wished to spend on the Continent. Alone he + feared that he would have a miserable time of it; but if his sister would + only consent to accompany him, then he thought it would be most enjoyable; + for he would have her society, and her experience of travel, and knowledge + of German and French, would also smooth the way. “Now, Mary,” he concluded—it + had taken him half an hour to say this—“don't say No just yet. I + know I shall be an awful weight for you to drag about, I'll be so helpless + at hotels and stations and such places. But there will perhaps be one + advantage to you. I know you spend rather freely, and your income is not + too large, and I dare say you have exceeded it a little. Now, if you will + give a year to me, and have your house shut up or let in the meantime, + there would be a year's income saved to put you straight again.” + </p> + <p> + “That means, Tom, that you would pay all my expenses while we were + abroad?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sis, I couldn't well take you away from your own life and pleasures + and ask you to pay your own. That would be a strangely one-sided proposal + to make.” + </p> + <p> + “I must take time to think about it.” + </p> + <p> + “That's a good girl. And, Mary, what would it cost to put this girl with + some family where she would have a pleasant home and be taught for a + year?” + </p> + <p> + “About sixty or seventy pounds, I suppose. Then there would be her + clothing, and pocket-money, and incidental expenses—altogether a + hundred pounds, I dare say.” + </p> + <p> + “And you would let me pay this also?” + </p> + <p> + “No indeed, Tom. Three or four months would be quite time enough to put me + straight; and if I consent to go, it must be understood that there are to + be no presents, and nothing except travelling expenses.” + </p> + <p> + “All right, Mary; you haven't consented yet definitely, but it is a great + relief that you do not scout the idea, and tell me to go and buy a ticket + at Ludgate Circus.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, no, I couldn't well say that, considering that you are the only one + of the family who has treated me rightly, and that I care anything about.” + She laughed a little, and presently continued: “I dare say the others are + all well enough in their way; they are all honest men, of course, and + someone says, 'An honest man's the noblest work of God.' For my part, I + think it His poorest work. Fancy dull, slow old calculating Jacob being + the noblest work of the Being that created—what shall I say?—this + violet, or—” + </p> + <p> + “Fan,” suggested her brother. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, Fan if you like. By the way, Tom, before I forget to mention it, I + think you are a little in love with Fan.” + </p> + <p> + Tom, taken off his guard, blushed hotly, which would not have mattered if + his sister's keen eyes had not been watching his face. + </p> + <p> + “What nonsense you talk!” he exclaimed a little too warmly. “In love with + a child!” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I know she's but a lassie yet,” replied his sister with a mocking + laugh. + </p> + <p> + It was too much for his Starbrow temper, and taking up his hat he rose and + marched angrily out of the room—angry as much with himself as with + his sister. But in a moment she was after him, and before he could open + the hall door her arms were round his neck. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Tom, you foolish fellow, can't you take a little joke + good-humouredly?” she said. “I'm afraid our year on the Continent will be + a very short one if you are going to be so touchy.” + </p> + <p> + “Then you will consent?” he said, glad to change the subject and be + friendly again. + </p> + <p> + And a day or two later she did finally consent to accompany him. His + proposal had come at an opportune moment, when she was heartsore, and + restless, and anxious to escape from the painful memories and associations + of the past month. + </p> + <p> + One of her first steps was to advertise in the papers for a home with + tuition for a girl under sixteen, in a small family residing in a rural + district in the west or south-west of England. The answers were to be + addressed to her newspaper agent, who was instructed not to forward them + to her in driblets, but deliver them all together. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Starbrow stayed another week in town, and during that time he went + somewhere every day with his sister and Fan; they drove in the Park, went + to picture galleries, to morning concerts, and then, if not tired, to a + theatre in the evening. It was consequently a very full week to Fan, who + now for the first time saw something of the hidden wonders and glories of + London. And she was happy; but this novel experience—the sight of + all that unimagined wealth of beauty—was even less to her than + Mary's perfect affection, which was now no longer capricious, bursting + forth at rare intervals like sunshine out of a stormy sky. Then that week + in fairyland was over, and Tom Starbrow went back to Manchester to arrange + his affairs; but before going he presented Fan with a very beautiful + lady's watch and chain, the watch of chased gold with blue enamelled face. + </p> + <p> + “I do not wish you to forget me, Fan,” he said, holding her hand in his, + and looking into her young face smilingly, yet with a troubled expression + in his eyes, “and there is nothing like a watch to remind you of an absent + friend; sometimes it will even repeat his words if you listen attentively + to its little ticking language. It is something like the sea-shell that + whispers about the ocean waves when you hold it to your ear.” + </p> + <p> + That pretty little speech only served to make the gift seem more precious + to Fan; for she was not critical, and it did not sound in the least + studied to her. It was delivered, however, when Mary was out of the room; + when she returned and saw the watch, after congratulating the girl she + threw a laughing and somewhat mocking glance at her brother; for which Tom + was prepared, and so he met it bravely, and did not blush or lose his + temper. + </p> + <p> + In due time the answers to the advertisement arrived—in a sack, for + they numbered about four hundred. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, how will you ever be able to read them all!” exclaimed Fan, staring + in a kind of dismay at the pile, where Miss Starbrow had emptied them on + the carpet. + </p> + <p> + “I have no such mad intention,” said the other with a laugh, and turning + them over with her pretty slippered foot. “As a rule people that answer + advertisements—especially women—are fools. If you advertise + for a piece of old point lace, about a thousand people who have not got + such a thing will write to say that they will sell you wax flowers, old + books, ostrich feathers, odd numbers of <i>Myra's Journal</i>, or any + rubbish they may have by them; I dare say that most of the writers of + these letters are just as wide of the mark. Sit here at my feet, Fan; and + you shall open the letters for me and read the addresses. No, not that way + with your fingers. If you stop to tear them to pieces, like a hungry cat + tearing its meat, it will take too long. Use the paper-knife, and open + them neatly and quickly.” + </p> + <p> + Fan began her task, and found scores of letters from the suburbs of London + and all parts of the kingdom, from Land's End to the north of Scotland; + and in nine cases out of ten after reading the address her mistress would + say, “Tear it twice across, and throw it into the basket, Fan.” + </p> + <p> + It seemed a pity to Fan to tear them up unread; for some were so long and + so beautifully written, with pretty little crests at the top of the page; + but Mary knew her own mind, and would not relent so far as even to look at + one of these wasted specimens of calligraphic art. In less than an hour's + time the whole heap had been disposed of, with the exception of fifteen or + twenty letters selected for consideration on account of their addresses. + These Miss Starbrow carefully went over, and finally selecting one she + read it aloud to Fan. It was from a Mrs. Churton, an elderly lady, + residing with her husband, a retired barrister, and her daughter, in their + own house at a small place called Eyethorne, in Wiltshire. She offered to + take the girl into her house, treat her as her own child, and give her + instruction, for seventy pounds a year. The tuition would be undertaken by + the daughter, who was well qualified for such a task, and could teach + languages—Latin, German, and French were mentioned; also + mathematics, geology, history, music, drawing, and a great many other + branches of knowledge, both useful and ornamental. + </p> + <p> + Fan listened to this part of the letter with a look of dismay on her face, + which made Miss Starbrow laugh. + </p> + <p> + “Why, my child, what more can you want?” she said. + </p> + <p> + “Don't you think it a little too much, Mary?” she returned with some + distress, which made the other laugh again. + </p> + <p> + “Well, my poor girl, you needn't study Greek and archaeology and + logarithms unless you feel inclined. But if you ever take a fancy for such + subjects it will always be a comfort to know that you may dive down as + deeply as you like without knocking your head on the bottom. I mean that + you will never get to know too much for Miss Churton, who knows more than + all the professors put together.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you think she will be nice?” said Fan, wandering from the subject. + </p> + <p> + “Nice! That depends on your own taste. I fancy I can draw a picture of + what she is like. A tall thin lady of an uncertain age. Thin across here”—placing + her hands on her own shoulders. “And very flat here,”—touching her + own well-developed bust. + </p> + <p> + “But I should like to know about her face.” + </p> + <p> + “Should you? I'm afraid that it is not a very bright smiling face, that it + is rather yellow in colour, that the hair is rather dead-looking, of the + door-mat tint, and smoothed flat down. The eyes are dim, no doubt, from + much reading, and the nose long, straddled with a pair of spectacles, and + red at the end from dyspepsia and defective circulation. But never mind, + Fan, you needn't look so cast down about it. Miss Churton will be your + teacher, and I wish you joy, but you will have plenty of time for play, + and other things to think of besides study. When your lessons are over you + can chase butterflies and gather flowers if you like. Luckily Miss Churton + has not included botany and entomology in the long list of her + acquirements.” + </p> + <p> + Fan did not quite understand all this; her mistress was always mocking at + something, she knew; she only asked if it was really in the country where + she would live. + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow took up the letter and read the remaining portion, which + contained a description of Wood End House—the Churtons' residence—and + its surroundings. The house, the writer said, was small, but pretty and + comfortable; and there was a nice garden and a large orchard with fruit in + abundance. There were also some fields and meadows, her own property, let + to neighbouring farmers. East of the house, and within fifteen minutes + walk, was the old picturesque village of Eyethorne, sheltered by a range + of grassy hills; also within a few minutes' walk began the extensive + Eyethorne woods, celebrated for their beauty. + </p> + <p> + Nothing could have been more charming than this, and the picture of garden + and orchard, green meadows and hills and shady woods, almost reconciled + Fan to the prospect of spending a whole year in the society of an aged and + probably ailing couple, and a lady of uncertain age, deeply learned and of + unprepossessing appearance—for she could not rid her mind of the + imaginary portrait drawn by Mary. + </p> + <p> + For some mysterious reason, or for no reason, Miss Starbrow resolved to + close at once with the Churtons; and as if fearing that her mind might + alter, she immediately tore up the other letters, although in some of them + greater advantages had been held out, lower terms, and the companionship + of girls of the same age as Fan. And in a very few days, after a little + further correspondence, everything was settled to the entire satisfaction + of everyone concerned, and it was arranged that Fan should go down to + Eyethorne on the 10th of May, which was now very near. + </p> + <p> + “I shall have one good dress made for you,” said Miss Starbrow, “and you + can take the material to make a second for yourself; you are growing just + now, Fan. A nice dress for Sundays; down in the country most people go to + church. And, by the way, Fan, have you ever been inside a church in your + life?” + </p> + <p> + She seemed not to know how to answer this question, but at length spoke, a + little timidly. “Not since I have lived with you, Mary.” + </p> + <p> + “Is that intended for a sarcasm, Fan? But never mind, I know what you + mean. When you are at Eyethorne you must still bear that in mind, and even + if questioned about it, never speak of that old life in Moon Street. I + suppose I must get you a prayer-book, and—show you how to use it. + But about dress. Your body is very much more important than your soul, and + how to clothe it decently and prettily must be our first consideration. We + must go to Whiteley's and select materials for half a dozen pretty summer + dresses. Blue, I fancy, suits you best, but you can have other colours as + well.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Mary,” said the girl with strange eagerness, “will you let me choose + one myself? I have so long wished to wear white! May I have one white + dress?” + </p> + <p> + “White? You are so white yourself. Don't you think you look simple and + innocent enough as it is? But please yourself, Fan, you shall have as many + white dresses as you like.” + </p> + <p> + So overjoyed was Fan at having this long-cherished wish at last gratified + that, for the first time she had ever ventured to do such a thing, she + threw her arms round Mary's neck and kissed her. Then starting back a + little frightened, she exclaimed, “Mary, was it wrong for me to kiss you + without being told?” + </p> + <p> + “No, dear, kiss me as often as you like. We have had a rather eventful + year together, have we not? Clouds and storms and some pleasant sunshine. + For these few remaining days there must be no clouds, but only perfect + love and peace. The parting will come quickly enough, and who knows—who + knows what changes another year will bring?” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV + </h2> + <p> + At the last moment, when all the preparations were complete, Miss Starbrow + determined to accompany Fan to her new home, and, after dropping her + there, to pay a long-promised visit before leaving England to an old + friend of her girlhood, who was now married and living at Salisbury. + Eyethorne took her some distance out of her way; and at the small country + station where they alighted, which was two and a half miles from the + village, she found from the time-table that her interview with the + Churtons would have to be a short one, as there was only one train which + would take her to Salisbury so as to arrive there at a reasonably early + hour in the evening. At the station they took a fly, and the drive to + Eyethorne brought before Fan's eyes a succession of charming scenes—green + hills, broad meadows yellow with buttercups, deep shady lanes, and old + farm-houses. The spring had been cold and backward; but since the + beginning of May there had been days of warm sunshine with occasional + gentle rains, and the trees, both shade and fruit, had all at once rushed + into leaf and perfect bloom. Such vivid and tender greens as the foliage + showed, such a wealth of blossom on every side, such sweet fragrance + filling the warm air, Fan had never imagined; and yet how her prophetic + heart had longed for the sweet country! + </p> + <p> + A sudden turn of the road brought them in full sight of the village, + sheltered on the east side by low green hills; and beyond the village, at + some distance, a broad belt of wood, the hills on one hand and green + meadowland on the other. Five minutes after leaving the village they drew + up at the gate of Wood End House, which was at some distance back from the + road almost hidden from sight by the hedge and trees, and was approached + by a short avenue of elms. Arrived at the house, they were received by Mr. + and Mrs. Churton, and ushered into a small drawing-room on the ground + floor; a room which, with its heavy-looking, old-fashioned furniture, + seemed gloomy to them on coming in from the bright sunshine. Mrs. Churton + was rather large, approaching stoutness in her figure, grey-haired with + colourless face, and a somewhat anxious expression; but she seemed very + gentle and motherly, and greeted Fan with a kindliness in her voice and + manner which served in a great measure to remove the girl's nervousness on + coming for the first time as an equal among gentlefolks. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Churton had not, in a long married life, grown like his spouse in any + way, nor she like him. He was small, with a narrow forehead, irregular + face and projecting under-lip, which made him ugly. His eyes were of that + common no-colour type, and might or might not have been pigmented, and + classifiable as brown or blue—Dr. Broca himself would not have been + able to decide. But the absence of any definite colour was of less account + than the lack of any expression, good or bad. One wondered, on seeing his + face, how he could be a retired barrister, unless it meant merely that in + the days of his youth he had made some vague and feeble efforts at + entering such a profession, ending in nothing. Possibly he was himself + conscious that his face lacked a quality found in others, and failed to + inspire respect and confidence; for he had a trick of ostentatiously + clearing his throat, and looking round and speaking in a deliberate and + somewhat consequential manner, as if by these little arts to + counterbalance the weakness in the expression. His whole get-up also + suggested the same thought—could anyone believe the jewel to be + missing from a casket so elaborately chased? His grey hair was brushed + sprucely up on each side of his head, the ends of the locks forming a + supplementary pair of ears above the crown. He was scrupulously dressed in + black cloth and spotless linen, with a very large standing-up collar. In + manner he was gushingly amiable and polite towards Miss Starbrow, and as + he stood bowing and smiling and twirling the cord of his gold-rimmed + glasses about his finger, he talked freely to that lady of the lovely + weather, the beauty of the country, the pleasures of the spring season, + and in fact of everything except the business which had brought her there. + Presently she cut short his flow of inconsequent talk by remarking that + her time was short, and inquiring if Miss Churton were in. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Churton quickly replied that she was expecting her every moment; that + she had gone out for a short walk, and had not perhaps seen the fly + arrive. No doubt, she added a little nervously, Miss Starbrow would like + to see and converse with Miss Affleck's future teacher and companion. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no, not at all!” promptly replied the other, with the habitual + curling of the lip. “I came to-day by the merest chance, as everything had + been arranged by correspondence, and I am quite satisfied that Miss + Affleck will be in good hands.” At which Mr. Churton bowed, and turning + bestowed a fatherly smile on Fan. “It is not at all necessary for me to + see Miss Churton,” continued Miss Starbrow, “but there is one thing I wish + to speak to you about, which I omitted to mention in my letters to you.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. and Mrs. Churton were all attention, but before the other had begun to + speak Miss Churton came in, her hat on, and with a sunshade in one hand + and a book in the other. + </p> + <p> + “Here is my daughter,” said the mother. “Constance, Miss Starbrow and Miss + Affleck.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Churton advanced to the first lady, but did not give her hand as she + had meant to do; for the moment she appeared in the room and her name was + mentioned a cloud had come over the visitor's face, and she merely bowed + distantly without stirring from her seat. + </p> + <p> + For the real Miss Churton offered a wonderful contrast to that portrait of + her which the other had drawn from her imagination. She might almost be + called tall, her height being little less than that of the dark-browed + lady who sat before her, regarding her with cold critical eyes; but in + figure she was much slimmer, and her light-coloured dress, which was + unfashionable in make, was pretty and became her. She was, in fact, only + twenty-two years old. There were no lines of deep thought on her pure + white forehead when she removed her hat; and no dimness from much reading + of books in her clear hazel eyes, which seemed to Fan the most beautiful + eyes she had ever seen, so much sweet sympathy did they show, and so much + confidence did they inspire. In colour she was very rich, her skin being + of that tender brown one occasionally sees in the face of a young lady in + the country, which seems to tell of a pleasant leisurely life in woods and + fields; while her abundant hair was of a tawny brown tint with bronze + reflections. She was very beautiful, and when, turning from Miss Starbrow, + she advanced to Fan and gave her hand, the girl almost trembled with the + new keen sensation of pleasure she experienced. Miss Churton was so + different from that unlovely mental picture of her! She imagined for a + moment, poor girl, that Mary would show her feelings of relief and + pleasure; but she quickly perceived that something had brought a sudden + cloud over Mary's face, and it troubled her, and she wondered what it + meant. + </p> + <p> + Before Miss Churton had finished welcoming Fan, Miss Starbrow, looking at + her watch and directly addressing the elder lady, said in a cold voice: + </p> + <p> + “I think it would be as well if Miss Affleck could leave us for a few + minutes, and I will then finish what I had begun to say.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Churton looked inquiringly at her, then turned again to Fan. + </p> + <p> + “Will you come with me to the garden?” she said. + </p> + <p> + Fan rose and followed her through a back door opening on to a grassy lawn, + beyond which were the garden and orchard. After crossing the lawn and + going a little way among the shrubs and flowers they came in sight of a + large apple-tree white with blossoms. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, can we go as far as that tree?” asked the girl after a little + delighted exclamation at the sight. When they reached the tree she went + under it and gazed up into the beautiful flowery cloud with wide-open + eyes, and lips half-parted with a smile of ineffable pleasure. + </p> + <p> + Miss Churton stood by and silently watched her face for some moments. + </p> + <p> + “Do you think you will like your new home, Miss Affleck?” she asked. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, how lovely it all is—the flowers!” she exclaimed. “I didn't + know that there was any place in the world so beautiful as this! I should + like to stay here for ever!” + </p> + <p> + “But have you never been in the country before?” said the other with some + surprise. + </p> + <p> + “Yes. Only once, for a few days, years ago. But it was not like this. It + was very beautiful in Hyde Park and Kensington Gardens, but this—” + </p> + <p> + She could find no words to express her feeling; she could only stand + gazing up, and touching the white and pink clustering blossoms with her + finger-tips, as if they were living things to be gently caressed. “Oh, it + is so sweet,” she resumed. “I have always so wished to be in the country, + but before Miss Starbrow took me to live with her, and before—they—mother + died, we lived in a very poor street, and were always so poor and—” + Then she reddened and cast down her eyes and was silent, for she had + suddenly remembered that Miss Starbrow had warned her never to speak of + her past life. + </p> + <p> + Miss Churton smiled slightly, but with a strange tenderness in her eyes as + she watched the girl's face. + </p> + <p> + “I hope we shall get on well together, and that you will like me a + little,” she said. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yes, I know I shall like you if—if you will not think me very + stupid. I know so little, and you know so much. Must you always call me + Miss Affleck?” + </p> + <p> + “Not if you would prefer me to call you Frances. I should like that + better.” + </p> + <p> + “That would seem so strange, Miss Churton. I have always been called Fan.” + </p> + <p> + Just then the others were seen coming out to the garden, and Miss Churton + and Fan went back to meet them. Mr. Churton, polite and bare-headed, + hovered about his visitor, smiling, gesticulating, chattering, while she + answered only in monosyllables, and was blacker-browed than ever. Mrs. + Churton, silent and pale, walked at her side, turning from time to time a + troubled look at the dark proud face, and wondering what its stormy + expression might mean. + </p> + <p> + “Fan,” said Miss Starbrow, without even a glance at the lady at Fan's + side, “my time is nearly up, and I wish to have three or four minutes + alone with you before saying good-bye.” + </p> + <p> + The others at once withdrew, going back to the house, while Miss Starbrow + sat down on a garden bench and drew the girl to her side. “Well, my child, + what do you think of your new teacher?” she began. + </p> + <p> + “I like her so much, Mary, I'm sure—I know she will be very kind to + me; and is she not beautiful?” + </p> + <p> + “I am not going to talk about that, Fan. I haven't time. But I want to say + something very serious to you. You know, my girl, that when I took you out + of such a sad, miserable life to make you happy, I said that it was not + from charity, and because I loved my fellow-creatures or the poor better + than others; but solely because I wanted you to love me, and your + affection was all the payment I ever expected or expect. But now I foresee + that something will happen to make a change in you—” + </p> + <p> + “I can never change, or love you less than now, Mary!” + </p> + <p> + “So you imagine, but I can see further. Do you know, Fan, that you cannot + give your heart to two persons; that if you give your whole heart to this + lady you think so beautiful and so kind, and who will be paid for her + kindness, that her gain will be my loss?” + </p> + <p> + Fan, full of strange trouble, put her trembling hand on the other's hand. + “Tell me how it will be your loss, Mary,” she said. “I don't think I + understand.” + </p> + <p> + “I was everything to you before, Fan. I don't want a divided affection, + and I shall not share your affection with this woman, however beautiful + and kind she may be; or, rather, I shall not be satisfied with what is + over after you have begun to worship her. Your love is a kind of worship, + Fan, and you cannot possibly have that feeling for more than one person, + although you will find it easy enough to transfer it from one to another. + If you do not quite understand me yet, you must think it over and try to + find out what I mean. But I warn you, Fan, that if ever you transfer the + affection you have felt for me to this woman, or this girl, then you shall + cease to be anything to me. You shall be no more to me than you were + before I first saw you and felt a strange wish to take you to my heart; + when you were in rags and half-starved, and without one friend in the + world.” + </p> + <p> + The tears started to the girl's eyes, and she threw her arms round the + other's neck. “Oh, Mary, nothing, nothing will ever make me love you less! + Will you not believe me, Mary?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, dear Fan, don't cry. Good-bye, my darling. Write to me at least once + every fortnight, and when you want money or anything let me know, and you + shall have it. And when May comes round again let me see you unchanged in + heart, but with an improved mind and a little colour in your dear pale + face.” + </p> + <p> + After Miss Starbrow's departure Fan was shown to her room, where her + luggage had already been taken by the one indoor servant, a staid, + middle-aged woman. It was a light, prettily furnished apartment on the + first floor, with a large window looking on to the garden at the back. + There were flowers on the dressing-table—Miss Churton had placed + them there, she thought—and the warm fragrant air coming in at the + open window seemed to bring nature strangely near to her. Looking away, + where the trees did not intercept the view, it was all green country—gently-sloping + hills, and the long Eyethorne wood, and rich meadow-land, where + sleepy-looking cows stood in groups or waded knee-deep in the pasture. It + was like an earthly paradise to her senses, but just now her mind was + clouded with a great distress. Mary's strange words to her, and the + warning that she would be cast out of Mary's heart, that it would be again + with her as it had been before entering into this new life of beautiful + scenes and sweet thoughts and feelings, if she allowed herself to love her + new teacher and companion, filled her with apprehension. She sat by the + window looking out, but with a dismayed expression in her young eyes; and + then she remembered how Mary, in a sudden tempest of rage, had once struck + her, and how her heart had almost burst with grief at that unjust blow; + and now it seemed to her that Mary's words if not her hand had dealt her a + second blow, which was no less unjust; and covering her face with her + hands she cried silently to herself. Then she remembered how quickly Mary + had repented and had made amends, loving her more tenderly after having + ill-treated her in her anger. It consoled her to think that Mary had so + great an affection for her; and perhaps, she thought, the warning was + necessary; perhaps if she allowed her heart to have its way, and to give + all that this lovely and loving girl seemed to ask, Mary would be less to + her than she had been. She resolved that she would strive religiously to + obey Mary's wishes, that she would keep a watch over herself, and not + allow any such tender feelings as she had experienced in the garden to + overcome her again. She would be Miss Churton's pupil, but not the + intimate, loving friend and companion she had hoped to be after first + seeing her. + </p> + <p> + While Fan sat by herself, occupied with her little private trouble, which + did not seem little to her, downstairs in the small drawing-room there was + another trouble. + </p> + <p> + “Before you go up to your room I wish to speak to you, Constance,” said + her mother. + </p> + <p> + Miss Churton stood swinging her straw hat by its ribbon, silently waiting + to hear the rest. + </p> + <p> + “All right, Jane,” said Mr. Churton to his wife. “I am just going to run + up to the village for an hour. You don't require me any more, do you?” + </p> + <p> + “I think you should remain here until this matter is settled, and + Constance is made clearly to understand what Miss Starbrow's wishes are. + My wishes, which will be considered of less moment, I have no doubt, shall + be stated afterwards.” + </p> + <p> + “Very well, my dear, I will do anything you like. At the same time, I + think I really must be going. I have been kept in all day, you know, and + should like to take a little—ahem—constitutional.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, Nathaniel, I have no doubt you would. But consider me a little in + this. I have succeeded in getting this girl, and you know how much the + money will be to us. Do you think it too much to keep away from your + favourite haunt in the village for a single day?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, come, come, Jane. It's all right, my dear. I'm sure Miss Starbrow was + greatly pleased at everything. You can settle all the rest with Constance. + I think she's quite intelligent enough to understand the matter without my + presence.” And here Mr. Churton gave vent to a slight inward chuckle. + </p> + <p> + “I insist on your staying here, Nathaniel. You know how little regard our + daughter has for my wishes or commands; and as Miss Starbrow has spoken to + us both, you cannot do less than remain to corroborate what I have to tell + Constance.” + </p> + <p> + Her daughter reddened at this speech, but remained silent. + </p> + <p> + “Well, well, my dear, if you will only come to the point!” he exclaimed + impatiently. + </p> + <p> + “Constance, will you give me your attention?” said her mother, turning to + her. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, mother, I am attending.” + </p> + <p> + “Miss Starbrow has informed us that Miss Affleck, although of gentle birth + on her father's side, was unhappily left to be brought up in a very poor + quarter of London, among people of a low class. She has had little + instruction, except that of the Board School, and never had the advantage + of associating with those of a better class until this lady rescued her + from her unfortunate surroundings. She is of a singularly sweet, confiding + disposition, Miss Starbrow says, and has many other good qualities which + only require a suitable atmosphere to be developed. Miss Starbrow will + value at its proper worth the instruction you will give her; and as to + subjects, she has added nothing to what she had written to us, except that + she does not wish you to force any study on the girl to which she may show + a disinclination, but rather to find out for yourself any natural aptitude + she may possess. And what she particularly requests of us is, that no + questions shall be put to her and no reference made to her early life in + London. She wishes the girl to forget, if possible, her suffering and + miserable childhood.” + </p> + <p> + “I shall be careful not to make any allusion to it,” replied the other, + her face brightening with new interest. “Poor girl! She began to say + something to me about her early life in London when we were in the garden, + and then checked herself. I dare say Miss Starbrow has told her not to + speak of it.” + </p> + <p> + “Then I suppose you had already begun to press her with questions about + it?” quickly returned Mrs. Churton. + </p> + <p> + “No; she spoke quite spontaneously. The flowers, the garden, the beauty of + the country, so strangely different to her former surroundings—that + suggested what she said, I think.” + </p> + <p> + Her mother looked unconvinced. “Will you remember, Constance, that it is + Miss Starbrow's wish that such subjects are not to be brought up and + encouraged in your conversations with Miss Affleck? I cannot command you. + It would be idle to expect obedience to any command of mine from you. I + can only appeal to your interest, or whatever it is you now regard as your + higher law.” + </p> + <p> + “I have always obeyed you, mother,” returned Miss Churton with warmth. “I + shall, as a matter of course, respect Miss Starbrow's and your wishes in + this instance. You know that you can trust me, or ought to know, and there + is no occasion to insult me.” + </p> + <p> + “Insult you, Constance! How can you have the face to say such a thing, + when you know that your whole life is one continual act of disobedience to + me! Unhappy girl that you are, you disobey your God and Creator, and are + in rebellion against Him—how little a thing then must disobedience + to your mother seem!” + </p> + <p> + Miss Churton's face grew red and pale by turns. “Mother,” she replied, + with a ring of pain in her voice, “I have always respected your opinions + and feelings, and shall continue to do so, and try my best to please you. + But it is hard that I should have to suffer these unprovoked attacks; and + it seems strange that the girl's coming should be made the occasion for + one, for I had hoped that her presence in the house would have made my + life more bearable.” + </p> + <p> + “You refer to Miss Affleck's coming,” said her mother, without stopping to + reply to anything else, “and I am glad of it, for it serves to remind me + that I have not yet told you my wishes with regard to your future + intercourse with her.” + </p> + <p> + At this point Mr. Churton, unnoticed by his wife, stole quietly to the + door, and stepping cautiously out into the hall made his escape. + </p> + <p> + “You need not trouble to explain your wishes, mother,” said Miss Churton, + with flushing cheeks. “I can very well guess what they are, and I promise + you at once that I shall say nothing to cause you any uneasiness, or to + make any further mention of the subject necessary.” + </p> + <p> + “No, Constance, I have a sacred duty to perform, and our respective + relations towards Miss Affleck must be made thoroughly clear, once for + all.” + </p> + <p> + “Why should you wish to make it clear after telling me that you cannot + trust me to obey your wishes, or even to speak the truth? Mother, I shall + not listen to you any longer!” + </p> + <p> + “You <i>shall</i> listen to me!” exclaimed the other; and rising and + hurrying past her daughter, she closed the door and stood before it as if + to prevent escape. + </p> + <p> + Miss Churton made no reply; she walked to a chair, and sitting down + dropped her hat on the floor and covered her face with her hands. How sad + she looked in that attitude, how weary of the vain conflict, and how + despondent! For a little while there was silence in the room, but the + girl's bowed head moved with her convulsive breathing, and there was a low + sound presently as of suppressed sobbing. + </p> + <p> + “Would to God the tears you are shedding came from a contrite and + repentant heart,” said the mother, with a tremor in her voice. “But they + are only rebellious and passing drops, and I know that your stony heart is + untouched.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Churton raised her pale face, and brushed her tears away with an + angry gesture. “Forgive me, mother, for such an exhibition of weakness. I + sometimes forget that you have ceased to love me. Please say what you + wish, make things clear, add as many reproaches as you think necessary, + and then let me go to my room.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Churton checked an angry reply which rose to her lips, and sat down. + She too was growing tired of this unhappy conflict, and her daughter's + tears and bitter words had given her keen pain. “Constance, you would not + say that I do not love you if you could see into my heart. God knows how + much I love you; if it were not so I should have ceased to strive with you + before now. I know that it is in vain, that I can only beat the air, and + that only that Spirit which is sharper than a two-edged sword, and + pierceth even to the dividing of the bones and marrow, can ever rouse you + to a sense of your great sin and fearful peril. I know it all only too + well. I shall say no more about it. But I must speak to you further about + this young girl, who has been entrusted to my care. When I replied to the + advertisement respecting her, I thought too much about our worldly affairs + and the importance of this money to us in our position, and without + sufficiently reflecting on the danger of bringing a girl at so impressible + an age under your influence. The responsibility rests with me, and I + cannot help having some very sad apprehensions. Wait, Constance, you must + let me finish. I have settled what to do, and I have Miss Starbrow's + authority to take on myself the guidance of the girl in all spiritual + matters. I spoke to her about it, and regret to have to say that she seems + absolutely indifferent about religion. I was deeply shocked to hear that + Miss Affleck has never been taught to say a prayer, and, so far as Miss + Starbrow knows, has never entered a church. Miss Starbrow seemed very + haughty and repellent in her manner, and declined, almost rudely, to + discuss the subject of religious teaching with me, but would leave it + entirely to me, she said, to teach the girl what I liked about such + things. It is terrible to me to think how much it may and will be in your + power to write on the mind of one so young and ignorant, and who has been + brought up without God. Constance, I will not attempt to command, I will + ask you to promise not to say things to her to destroy the effect of my + teaching, and of the religious influence I shall bring to bear on her. I + am ready to go down on my knees to you, my daughter, to implore you, by + whatever you may yet hold dear and sacred, not to bring so terrible a + grief on me as the loss of this young soul would be. For into my charge + she has been committed, and from me her Maker and Father will require her + at the last day!” + </p> + <p> + “There is no occasion for you to go on your knees to me, mother. I repeat + that I will obey your wishes in everything. Surely you must know that, + however we may differ about speculative matters, I am not immoral, and + that you can trust me. And oh, mother, let us live in peace together. It + is so unspeakably bitter to have these constant dissensions between us. I + will not complain that you have been the cause of so much unhappiness to + me, and made me a person to be avoided by the few people we know, if only—if + only you will treat me kindly.” + </p> + <p> + “My poor girl, do you not know that it is more bitter to me, a thousand + times, than to you? Oh, Constance, will you promise me one thing?—promise + me that you will go back to the Bible and read the words of Christ, + putting away your pride of mind, your philosophy and critical spirit; + promise that you will read one chapter—one verse even—every + day, and read it with a prayer in your heart that the Spirit who inspired + it will open your eyes and enable you to see the truth.” + </p> + <p> + “No, mother, I cannot promise you that, even to save myself from greater + unhappiness than you have caused me. It is so hard to have to go over the + old ground again and again.” + </p> + <p> + “I have, I hope, made you understand my wishes,” returned her mother + coldly. “You can go to your room, Constance.” + </p> + <p> + The other rose and walked to the door, where she stood hesitating for a + few moments, glancing back at her mother; but Mrs. Churton's face had + grown cold and irresponsive, and finally Constance, with a sigh, left the + room and went slowly up the stairs. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV + </h2> + <p> + For the rest of the day peace reigned at Wood End House. Mr. Churton, + whose absence at mealtime was never made the subject of remark, did not + return to tea when the three ladies met again; for now, according to that + proverb of the Peninsula which says “Tell me who you are with, and I will + tell you who you are,” Fan had ceased to belong to the extensive genus + Young Person, and might only be classified as Young Lady, at all events + for so long as she remained on a footing of equality under the Churton + roof-tree. + </p> + <p> + There was not much conversation. Miss Churton was rather pale and subdued + in manner, speaking little. Fan was shy and ill at ease at this her first + meal in the house. Mrs. Churton alone seemed inclined to talk, and looked + serene and cheerful; but whether the late scene in the drawing-room had + been more transient in its effects in her case, or her self-command was + greater, she alone knew. After tea they all went out to sit in the garden + for an hour; Miss Churton taking a book with her, which, however, she + allowed to rest unread on her lap. Her mother had some knitting, which + occupied her fingers while she talked to Fan. The girl, she perceived, was + not yet feeling at home with them, and she tried to overcome her + diffidence by keeping up an easy flow of talk which required no answer + from the other, chiefly about their garden and its products—flowers, + fruit, and vegetables. + </p> + <p> + Presently they had a visitor, who came out across the lawn to them + unannounced. He shook hands with the Churtons, and then with Fan, to whom + he was introduced as Mr. Northcott. A large and rather somewhat + rough-looking young man was Mr. Northcott, in a clerical coat, for he was + curate of the church at Eyethorne. His head was large, and the hair and a + short somewhat disorderly beard and moustache brown in colour; the eyes + were blue, deep-set, and habitually down-cast, and had a trick of looking + suddenly up at anyone speaking to him. His nose was irregular, his mouth + too heavy, and there was that general appearance of ruggedness about him + which one usually takes as an outward sign of the stuff that makes the + successful emigrant. To find him a curate going round among the ladies in + a little rural parish in England seemed strange. He had as little of that + professional sleekness of skin and all-for-the-best placidity of manner + one expects to see in a clergyman of the Established Church as Mr. Churton + had of that confident, all-knowing, self-assured look one would like to + see in a barrister's countenance before entrusting him with a brief. + </p> + <p> + He at once entered into conversation with Mrs. Churton, replying to some + question she put to him; and presently Fan began to listen with deep + interest, for they were discussing the unhappy affairs of one of the + Eyethorne poor—a bad man who was always getting drunk, fighting with + his wife, and leaving his children to starve. The curate, however, did not + seem deeply interested in the subject, and glanced not infrequently at + Miss Churton, who had resumed her reading; but it was plain to see that + she gave only a divided attention to her book. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Churton was at length summoned to the house about some domestic + matter; then, after a short silence, the curate began a fresh conversation + with her daughter. He did not speak to her of parish affairs and of + persons, but of books, of things of the mind, and it seemed that his heart + was more in talk of this description. Or possibly the person rather than + the subject interested him. Miss Churton was living under a cloud in her + village, which was old-fashioned and pious; to be friendly with her was + not fashionable; he alone, albeit a curate, wished not to be in the + fashion. He even had the courage to approach personal questions. + </p> + <p> + “Fan, I know what you are thinking of,” said Miss Churton, turning to the + girl. “It is that you would like to go and caress the flowers again—you + are such a flower-lover. Would you like to go and explore the orchard by + yourself?” + </p> + <p> + Fan thanked her gladly, and going from them, soon disappeared among the + trees. + </p> + <p> + “You live in too small a place, too remote from the world, and old-world + in character, to be allowed to live your own life in peace,” said the + curate, at a later stage of the conversation. “Your set here is composed + of barely half a dozen families, and they take their cue from the + vicarage. In London, in any large town, one is allowed to think what one + likes without the neighbours troubling their heads about it. Do you know, + Miss Churton, it is strange to me that with your acquirements and talent + you do not seek a wider and more congenial field.” + </p> + <p> + She smiled. “You must forgive me, Mr. Northcott, for having included you + among the troublers of my peace. It gives me a strange pleasure to tell + you this; it makes me strong to feel that I have your friendship and + sympathy.” + </p> + <p> + “You certainly have that, Miss Churton.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you. I must tell you why I remain here. I am entirely dependent on + my parents just now, and shrink from beginning a second dependent life—as + a governess, for instance.” + </p> + <p> + “There should be better things than that for you. You might get a good + position in a young ladies' school.” + </p> + <p> + “It would be difficult. But apart from that, I shrink from entering a + profession which would absorb my whole time and faculties, and from which + I should probably find myself powerless to break away. I have dreams and + hopes of other things—foolish perhaps—time will show; but I am + not in a hurry to find a position, to become a crystal. And I wish to live + for myself as well as for others. I have now undertaken to teach Miss + Affleck, who will remain one year at least with us. I am glad that this + has given me an excuse for remaining where I am. I do not wish my + departure to look like running away.” + </p> + <p> + “I am glad that you have so brave a spirit.” + </p> + <p> + “I did not feel very brave to-day,” she replied, smiling sadly. “But a + little sympathy serves to revive my courage. Do you remember that passage + in Bacon, 'Mark what a courage a dog will put on when sustained by a + nature higher than its own'? That is how it is with us women—those + of the strong-minded tribe excepted; man is to us a kind of <i>melior + natura</i>, without whose sustaining aid we degenerate into abject + cowards.” + </p> + <p> + A red flush came into Mr. Northcott's dull-hued cheeks. “I presume you are + joking, Miss Churton; but if—” + </p> + <p> + “No, not joking,” she quickly returned; “although I perhaps did not mean + as much as I said. But I wish I could show my gratitude for the comfort + you give me—for upholding me with your stronger nature.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you, Miss Churton? Then I will be so bold as to make a request, + although I am perhaps running the risk of offending you. Will you come to + church next Sunday? I don't mean in the morning, but in the evening. + Please don't think for a moment that I have any faith in my power to + influence your mind in any way. I am not such a conceited ass as to + imagine anything of the sort. My motive for making the request was quite + independent of any such considerations. My experience is that those who + lose faith in Christianity do not recover it. I speak, of course, of + people who know their own minds.” + </p> + <p> + “I know my own mind, Mr. Northcott.” + </p> + <p> + “No doubt; and for that very reason I am not afraid to ask you this. You + used occasionally to come to church, so that it can't be scruples of + conscience that keep you away. As a rule, in London we always have a very + fair sprinkling of agnostics in a congregation, and sometimes more than a + sprinkling.” + </p> + <p> + “I am not an agnostic, Mr. Northcott, if I know what that word means. But + let that pass. In London the church-goer is in very many cases a stranger + to the preacher; if he hears hard things spoken in the pulpit of those who + have no creed, he does not take it as a personal attack. I absented myself + from our church because the vicar in his sermon on unbelief preached + against <i>me</i>. He said that those who rejected Christianity had no + right to enter a church; that by doing so they insulted God and man; and + that their only motive was to parade their bitter scornful infidelity + before the world, and that they cherish a malignant hatred towards the + faith which they have cast off, and much more in the same strain. Every + person in the congregation had his or her eyes fixed on me, to see how I + liked it, knowing that it was meant for me; and I dare say that what they + saw gave them great pleasure. For a stronger nature than my own was not + sustaining me then, but all were against me, and the agony of shame I + suffered I shall never forget. I could only shut my eyes and try to keep + still; but I felt that all the blood in my veins had rushed to my face and + brain, and that my blood was like fire. I seemed to be able to see myself + fiery red—redder than the setting sun—in the midst of all + those shadowed faces that were watching me. I have hated that man since, + much as it distresses me to have such a feeling against any + fellow-creature.” + </p> + <p> + “I remember the circumstance,” said the curate, his face darkening. “I do + not agree with my vicar about some things, and he had no warrant for what + he said in the teachings of his Master. Since you have recalled this + incident to my mind, Miss Churton, I can only apologise for having asked + you to come on Sunday.” + </p> + <p> + “I think I was wrong to let that sermon influence me so much,” she + returned. “I feel ashamed of keeping my resentment so long. Mr. Northcott, + I will promise to go on Sunday evening, unless something happens to + prevent me.” + </p> + <p> + He thanked her warmly. “Whatever your philosophical beliefs may be, Miss + Churton, you have the true Christian spirit,” he said—saying perhaps + too much. “I am glad for your sake that Miss Affleck has come to reside + with you. Your life will be less lonely.” + </p> + <p> + “Tell me, what do you think of her?” + </p> + <p> + “She has a rare delicate loveliness, and there is something indescribable + in her eyes which seemed to reveal her whole past life to me. Do you know, + Miss Churton, I often believe I have a strange faculty of reading people's + past history in the expression of their faces?” + </p> + <p> + “Tell me what you read?” + </p> + <p> + “When I was talking to your mother about that drunken ruffian in the + village, and his ill-treatment of his miserable children, I caught sight + of the girl's eyes fixed on me, wide open, expressing wonder and pain. She + had never, I feel sure, even heard of such things as I spoke about. I + seemed to know in some mysterious way that she was an only child—the + child, I believe, of a widowed father, who doted on her, and surrounded + her with every luxury wealth could purchase, and permitted no breath of + the world's misery to reach her, lest it should make her unhappy. Now, + tell me, have I prophesied truly?” + </p> + <p> + She smiled, but had no desire to laugh at his little delusion about a + mysterious faculty. It is one common enough, and very innocent. The girl + was an orphan, and that, she told him, was all she knew of her history. + </p> + <p> + The curate went away with a feeling of strange elation; for how gracious + she had been to him, how happy he was to have won her confidence, how + sweet the tender music of her voice had seemed when she had freely told + him the secrets of her heart! Poor man! his human nature was a + stumbling-block in his way. By-and-by he would have to reflect that his + sympathy with an unbeliever had led him almost to the point of speaking + evil of dignities—of his vicar, to wit, who paid him seventy pounds + a year for his services. That was about all Mr. Northcott had to live on; + and yet—oh, folly!—a declaration of love, an offer of + marriage, had been trembling on his lips throughout all that long + conversation. + </p> + <p> + Miss Churton hurried off in search of Fan, surprised that she had kept out + of sight so long; and as she walked through the orchard, looking for her + on this side and that, she also felt surprised at her own + light-heartedness. For how strangely happy she felt after a morning so + full of contention and bitterness! Fan saw her coming—saw even at a + distance in her bright face the reflection of a heartfelt gladness. But + the girl did not move to meet her, nor did she watch her coming with + responsive gladness; she stood motionless, her pale face seen in profile + against the green cloud of a horse-chestnut tree that drooped its broad + leaves to touch and mingle with the grass at her very feet. It seemed + strange to Constance as she drew near, still glad, and yet with lingering + footsteps so that the sight might be the longer enjoyed, that her pupil + should have come at that precise period of the day to stand there + motionless at that particular spot; that this pale city girl in her + civilised dress should have in her appearance at that moment no suggestion + of artificiality, but should seem a something natural and unadulterated as + flowering tree and grass and sunshine, a part of nature, in absolute and + perfect harmony with it. The point to which Fan had wandered was a little + beyond the orchard, close to an old sunk fence or ha-ha separating it from + the field beyond. The turf at her feet was white with innumerable daisies, + and the only tree at that spot was the great chestnut beside which she + stood, and against which, in her white dress and with her pallid face, she + looked so strangely pure, so flower-like and yet ethereal, as if sprung + from the daisies whitening the turf around her, and retaining something of + their flower-like character, yet unsubstantial—a beautiful form that + might at any moment change to mist and float away from sight. In the field + beyond, where her eyes were resting, the lush grass was sprinkled with the + gold of buttercups; and in the centre of the field stood a group of four + or five majestic elm-trees; the sinking sun was now directly behind them, + and shining level through the foliage filled the spaces between the leaves + with a red light, which looked like misty fire. On the vast expanse of + heaven there was no cloud; only low down in the east and south-east, near + the horizon, there were pale vague shadows, which in another half-hour's + time would take the rounded form of clouds, deepening to pearly grey and + flushing red and purple in the setting beams. From the elms and fields, + from the orchard, from other trees and fields further away, came up the + songs of innumerable birds, making the whole air ring and quiver with the + delicate music; so many notes, so various in tone and volume, had the + effect of waves and wavelets and ripples, rising and running and + intersecting each other at all angles, forming an intricate pattern, as it + were, a network of sweetest melody. Loud and close at hand were heard the + lusty notes of thrush and blackbird, chaffinch and blackcap; and from + these there was a gradation of sounds, down to the faint lispings of the + more tender melodists singing at a distance, reaching the sense like + voices mysterious and spiritualised from some far unseen world. And at + intervals came the fluting cry of the cuckoo, again and again repeated, so + aerial, yet with such a passionate depth in it, as if the Spirit of Nature + itself had become embodied, and from some leafy hiding-place cried aloud + with mystic lips. + </p> + <p> + Listening to that rare melody Fan had stood for a long time, her heart + feeling almost oppressed with the infinite sweetness of nature; so + motionless that the yellow skippers and small blue-winged butterflies + fluttered round her in play, and at intervals alighting on her dress, sat + with spread wings, looking like strange yellow and blue gems on the + snow-white drapery. Her mind was troubled at Miss Churton's approach; for + it now seemed to her that human affection and sympathy were more to her + than they had ever been; that a touch, a word, a look almost, would be + sufficient to overcome her and make her fall from her loyalty to Mary. + Even when the other was standing by her side, curiously regarding her + still pale face, she made no sign, but after one troubled glance remained + with eyes cast down. + </p> + <p> + “Are you not tired of being alone with nature yet, Fan?” said Miss + Churton, with a smile, and placing her hand on the girl's neck. + </p> + <p> + “Oh no, Miss Churton; it is so—pleasant to be here!” she replied. + But she spoke in a slow mechanical way, and seemed to the other strangely + cold and irresponsive; she shivered a little, too, when the caressing hand + touched her neck, as if the warm fingers had seemed icy cold. + </p> + <p> + “Then you were not sorry to be left so long alone?” + </p> + <p> + “No—I could not feel tired. I think—I could have stayed alone + here until—until—” then her inability to express her thoughts + confused her and she became silent. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, Fan, until—” said the other, taking her hand. But the hand she + took rested cold and still in hers, and Fan was silent. + </p> + <p> + At length, reddening a little, she said: + </p> + <p> + “Miss Churton, I cannot say what I feel.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you feel, Fan, that the sight of nature fills your heart with a + strange new happiness, such as no pleasure in your London life ever gave, + and at the same time a sadness for which you cannot imagine any cause?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, do you feel that too, Miss Churton? Will you tell me what it is?” + </p> + <p> + The other smiled at the question. “If I could do that, Fan, I should be a + very wise girl indeed. It is a feeling that we all have at times; and some + day when we read the poets together you will find that they often speak of + it. Keats says of the music of the nightingale that it makes his heart + ache to hear it, but he does not know why it aches any more than we do. We + can say what the feeling is which human love and sympathy give us—the + touch of loving hands and lips, the words that are sweet to hear. This we + can understand; but that mixed glad and melancholy feeling we have in + nature we cannot analyse. How can anything in nature know our heart like a + fellow-being—the sun, and wind, and trees, and singing birds? Yet it + all seems to come in love to us—so great a love that we can hardly + bear it. The sun and wind seem to touch us lovingly; the earth and sky + seem to look on us with an affection deeper than man's—a meaning + which we cannot fathom. But, oh, Fan, it is foolish and idle of me to try + to put what we feel into words! Don't you think so?” + </p> + <p> + “I think I feel what you say, Miss Churton.” + </p> + <p> + “And when you said just now that you could stand here alone, seeing and + hearing, <i>until—until</i>—and then stopped, perhaps you + wished to say that you could remain here until you understood it all, and + knew the meaning of that mysterious pain in your heart?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes—I think I felt that”; and glancing up she met the other's eyes + full on her own, so dark and full of affection, and with a mistiness + rising in their clear depths. She was sorely tempted then to put her arms + about her teacher's neck; the struggle was too much for her; she trembled, + and covering her face with her hands burst into tears. + </p> + <p> + “Dearest Fan, you must not cry,” said Miss Churton, tenderly caressing + her; but there was no response, only that slight shivering of the frame + once more, as if it pained her to be caressed, and she wondered at the + girl's mood, which was so unlike that of the morning. A painful suspicion + crossed her mind. Had her mother, in her anxiety about Fan's spiritual + welfare, already taken the girl into her confidence, as she had taken + others, or dropped some word of warning to prejudice her mind? Had she + told this gentle human dove that she must learn the wisdom of the serpent + <i>from</i> a serpent—a kind of Lamia who had assumed a beautiful + female form for the purpose of instructing her? No, it could not be; there + had been no opportunity for private conversation yet; and it was also + hateful to her to think so hardly of her mother. But she made no further + attempt just then to win her pupil's heart, and in a short time they + returned to the house together. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI + </h2> + <p> + Fan was up early next morning—the ringing concert of the orchard, so + different from the dull rumble of the streets, had chased away sleep, and + all desire to sleep—and punctually at eight o'clock she came down to + breakfast. Mr. Churton alone was in the room, looking as usual intensely + respectable in his open frock-coat, large collar, and well-brushed grey + hair. He was standing before the open window looking out, humming or + croaking a little tune, and jingling his chain and seals by way of + accompaniment. + </p> + <p> + “Ha, my dear, looking fresh as a flower—<i>and</i> as pretty!” he + said, turning round and taking her hand; then, after two or three + irresolute glances at her face, he drew her towards him, and was about to + imprint a kiss on her forehead (let us hope), when, for some unaccountable + reason, she shrank back from him and defeated his purpose. + </p> + <p> + “Why, why, my dear child, you surely can't object to being kissed! You + must look on me as—ahem—it is quite the custom here—surely, + my dear—” + </p> + <p> + Just then Mrs. Churton entered the room, and her husband encountering her + quick displeased look instantly dropped the girl's hand. + </p> + <p> + “My dear,” he said, addressing his wife, “I have just been pointing out + the view from the windows to Miss Affleck, and telling her what charming + walks there are in the neighbourhood. I think that as we are so near the + end of the week it would be just as well to postpone all serious studies + until Monday morning and show our guest some of the beauties of + Eyethorne.” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps it would, Nathaniel,” she returned, with a slight asperity. “But + I should prefer it if you would leave all arrangements to me.” + </p> + <p> + “Certainly, my dear; it was merely a suggestion made on the spur of the + moment. I am sure Miss Affleck will be charmed with the—the scenery, + whenever it can conveniently be shown to her.” + </p> + <p> + His wife made no reply, but proceeded to open a Bible and read a few + verses, after which she made a short prayer—a ceremony which greatly + surprised Fan. The three then sat down to breakfast, Miss Churton not yet + having appeared. It was a moderately small table, nearly square, and each + person had an entire side to himself. They were thus placed not too far + apart and not too near. + </p> + <p> + Presently Miss Churton appeared, not from her room but from an early walk + in the garden, and bringing with her a small branch of May jewelled with + red blossoms. She stood for a few moments on the threshold looking at Fan, + a very bright smile on her lips. How beautiful she looked to the girl, + more beautiful now than on the previous day, as if her face had caught + something of the dewy freshness of earth and of the tender morning + sunlight. Then she came in, walking round the table to Fan's side, and + bidding her parents “Good morning,” but omitting the usual custom of + kissing father and mother. Stopping at the girl's side she stooped and + touched her forehead with her lips, then placed the branch of May by the + side of her plate. + </p> + <p> + “This is for you,” she said. “I know what a flower-worshipper you are.” + </p> + <p> + “Constance, you ought not to say that!” said her mother, reprovingly. + </p> + <p> + “Why not?” said the other, going to her place and sitting down, a red + flush on her face. “It is a common and very innocent expression, I fancy.” + </p> + <p> + “That may be your opinion. The expression you use so lightly has only one + and a very solemn meaning for me.” + </p> + <p> + Fan glanced wonderingly from one to the other, then dropped her eyes on + her flowers. In a vague way she began to see that her new friends did not + exist in happy harmony together, and it surprised and troubled her. The + bright sunny look had gone from Miss Churton's face, and the meal + proceeded almost in silence to the end. + </p> + <p> + And yet father, mother, and daughter all felt that there was an + improvement in their relations, that the restraint caused by the presence + of this shy, silent girl would make their morning and midday meetings at + meal-time less a burden than they had hitherto been. To Miss Churton + especially that triangle of three persons, each repelling and repelled by + the two others, had often seemed almost intolerable. Husband and wife had + long ceased to have one interest, one thought, one feeling in common; + while the old affection between mother and daughter had now so large an + element of bitterness mingled with it that all its original sweetness + seemed lost. As for her degenerate, weak-minded, tippling father, Miss + Churton regarded him with studied indifference. She never spoke of him, + and tried never to think of him when he was out of the way; when she saw + him, she looked through him at something beyond, as if he had no more + substance than one of Ossian's ghosts, through whose form one might see + the twinkling of the stars. It was better, she wisely thought, to ignore + him, to forget his existence, than to be vexed with feelings of contempt + and hostility. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Churton, after finishing his breakfast, retired to his “study,” with + the air of a person who has letters to write. His study was really only a + garret which his wife had fitted up as a comfortable smoking den, where he + was privileged to blow the abhorrent tobacco-cloud with impunity, since + the pestilent vapour flew away heavenwards from the open window; moreover, + while smoking at home he was safe, and not fuddling his weak brains and + running up a long bill at the “King William” in the village. + </p> + <p> + Miss Churton finished her coffee and rose from the table. + </p> + <p> + “Constance,” said her mother, “I think that as it is Friday to-day it + might be as well to defer your lessons until Monday, and give Miss Affleck + a little time to look about her and get acquainted with her new home.” + </p> + <p> + “If you think it best, mother,” she returned; and then after an interval + added, “Have you formed any plans for to-day—I mean with reference + to Fan?” + </p> + <p> + “Why do you say Fan?” + </p> + <p> + “Because she asked me to do so,” returned the other a little coldly. + </p> + <p> + Fan was again looking at them. When they spoke they were either + constrained and formal or offending each other. It was something to marvel + at, for towards herself they had shown such sweet kindliness in their + manner; and she had felt that if it were only lawful she could love them + both dearly, as one loves mother and sister. + </p> + <p> + With a little hesitation she turned to Mrs. Churton and said, “Will you + please call me Fan too? I like it so much better than Miss Affleck.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, certainly, if you wish it,” said the lady, smiling on her. After a + while she continued—“Fan, my dear child, before we settle about how + the day will be spent, I must tell you that we have arranged to share the + task of teaching you between us.” Her daughter looked at her surprised. “I + mean,” she continued, correcting herself, “that it will be arranged in + that way. Did Miss Starbrow speak to you about it in the garden before she + left?” + </p> + <p> + Fan answered in the negative: she had a painfully vivid recollection of + what Miss Starbrow had said in the garden. + </p> + <p> + “Well, this is to be the arrangement, which Miss Starbrow has sanctioned. + There are several things for you to study, and Miss Churton will undertake + them all except one. It will be for me to instruct you in religion.” + </p> + <p> + Fan glanced at her with a somewhat startled expression in her eyes. + </p> + <p> + “Do you not think you would like me to teach you?” asked Mrs. Churton, + noticing the look. + </p> + <p> + She answered that she would like it; then remembering certain words of + Mary's, added a little doubtfully, “Mrs. Churton, Mary—I mean Miss + Starbrow—said she hoped I would not learn to be religious in the + country.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Churton heard this with an expression of pain, then darted a quick + glance at her daughter's face; but she did not see the smile of the + scoffer there; it was a face which had grown cold and impassive, and she + knew why it was impassive, and was as much offended, perhaps, as if the + expected smile had met her sight. To Fan she answered: + </p> + <p> + “I am very sorry she said that. But you know, Fan, that we sometimes say + things without quite meaning them, or thinking that they will perhaps be + remembered for a long time, and do harm. I am sure—at least I trust + that Miss Starbrow did not really mean that, because I spoke to her about + giving you instruction in religious subjects, and she consented, and left + it to me to do whatever I thought best.” + </p> + <p> + Fan wondered whether Mary “did not quite mean it” when she told her what + the consequences would be if she allowed herself to love Miss Churton. No, + alas! she must have meant that very seriously from the way she spoke. + </p> + <p> + “You must not be afraid that we are going to make you study too much, + Fan,” the lady continued; “that is not Miss Starbrow's wish. I shall only + give you a short simple lesson every day, and try to explain it, so that I + hope you will find it both easy and pleasant to learn of me. And now, my + dear girl, you shall choose for yourself to-day whether you will go out + for a walk in the woods with Miss Churton, or remain with me and let me + speak with you and explain what I wish you to learn.” + </p> + <p> + The proposed walk in the woods was a sore temptation; she would gladly + have chosen that way of spending the morning, but the secret trouble in + her heart caused by Mary's warning words made her shrink from the prospect + of being alone with Miss Churton so soon again; and it only increased the + feeling to see her beautiful young teacher's eyes eagerly fixed on her + face. With that struggle still going on in her breast, and compelled to + make her choice, she said at length, “I think I should like to stay with + you, Mrs. Churton.” + </p> + <p> + The lady smiled and said she was glad. + </p> + <p> + Miss Churton moved towards the door, then paused and spoke coldly: “Do you + wish me to understand, mother, that Miss Affleck is to devote her mornings + to you, and that I shall only have the late hours to teach her in?” + </p> + <p> + “No, Constance; I am surprised that you should understand it in that way. + Only for these two days Miss Affleck will be with me in the morning. I + know very well that the early part of the day is the best time for study, + when the intellect is fresh and clear; and when you begin teaching her she + will of course devote the morning to her lessons.” + </p> + <p> + After hearing this explanation her daughter left the room without more + words. In a few minutes she came down again with hat and gloves on, a book + in her hand, and went away by herself, feeling far from happy in her mind. + She had so confidently looked forward to a morning with her pupil, and had + proposed to go somewhat further than she had ventured on the previous + evening in a study of her character. For it seemed to her at first so + simple a character, so affectionate and clinging, reflecting itself so + transparently in her expressive face, and making itself known so clearly + in her voice and manner. Then that mystifying change had occurred in the + orchard, when her words had been eagerly listened to, and had seemed to + find an echo in the girl's heart, while her advances had met with no + response, and her affectionate caresses had been shrunk from, as though + they had given pain. Then the suspicion about her mother had come to + disturb her mind; but she had been anxious not to judge hastily and + without sufficient cause, and had succeeded in putting it from her as an + unworthy thought. Now it came back to her, and remained and rooted itself + in her mind. Now she understood why her mother, with an ostentatious + pretence of fairness, even of generosity, towards her daughter, had left + it to Fan to decide whether she would walk in the woods or spend the + morning receiving religious instruction at home. Now she understood why + Fan, a lover of flowers and of the singing of birds, had preferred the + house and the irksome lessons. Her mother, in her fanatical zeal, had been + too quick for her, and had prejudiced the girl's mind against her, acting + with a meanness and treachery which filled her with the greatest + resentment and scorn. + </p> + <p> + We know that her judgment was at fault; and her anger was perhaps + unreasonable. <i>All</i> anger is said to be unreasonable by some wise + people, which makes one wonder why this absurd, perverse, and superfluous + affection was ever thrust into our souls. But the feeling in her was + natural, for her mother had indirectly inflicted much unhappiness on her + already, in her mistaken efforts to do her good; and when we suffer an + injury from some unknown hand, we generally jump to the conclusion that it + comes from the enemy we wot of; and, very often, the surmise is a correct + one. She, Miss Churton, certainly regarded this thing as a personal + injury. She had anticipated much pleasure from the society of her pupil, + and after that first conversation in the garden had resolved to win her + love, and be to her friend and sister as well as teacher. Now it seemed + that the girl was to be nothing to her and everything to her mother, and + naturally she was disappointed and angry. We have all seen women—some + of them women who read books, listen to lectures, and even take degrees, + and must therefore be classed with rational beings—who will cry out + and weep, and only stop short of tearing their raiment and putting ashes + on their heads, at the loss of a pet dog, or cat, or canary; and Miss + Churton had promised herself a greater pleasure from her intercourse with + this girl, who had so won her heart with her pale delicate beauty and her + feeling for nature, than it is possible for a rational being to derive + from the companionship of any dumb brute—even of such a paragon + among four-footed things as a toy-terrier, or pug, or griffon. All through + her walk in the shady woods, and when she sat in a sequestered spot under + her favourite tree with her book lying unread on her lap, she could only + think of her mother's supposed treachery, and of that look of triumph on + her face when Fan had decided to remain in the house with her—rejoicing, + no doubt, at her daughter's defeat. All this seemed hard to endure + uncomplainingly; but she was strong and proud, and before quitting her + sylvan retreat she resolved to submit quietly and with a good grace to the + new position of affairs, though brought about by such unworthy means. She + would make no petulant complaints nor be sullen, nor drop any spiteful or + scornful words to spoil her mother's satisfaction; nor would she make any + overt attempts to supplant her mother in the girl's confidence, or to win + even a share of her affection. She would hide her own pain, and faithfully + perform the dry, laborious task of instruction assigned her, unrelieved by + any such feelings of a personal kind, and looking for no reward beyond the + approval of her own conscience. It was impossible, she said to herself + with bitterness, that she should ever stoop, even in self-defence, to use + one of those weapons which were to be found in her mother's armoury—the + little underhand doings, hypocrisies, and whispered insinuations which her + religion sanctified. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII + </h2> + <p> + That decision of Fan's to remain at home had really come with a little + surprise on Mrs. Churton; for although it was what she had hoped, the hope + had been a faint one, and the pleasure it gave her was therefore all the + greater. With this feeling another not altogether to her credit was + mingled—a certain satisfaction at finding her company preferred to + that of her daughter. For it could not be supposed that the girl + experienced just then any eager desire after religious knowledge; she had + just reported Miss Starbrow's scoffing words with such a curious + simplicity, as if she looked on religion merely as a branch of learning, + like mineralogy or astronomy, which was scarcely necessary to her, and + might therefore very well be dispensed with. No, it was purely a matter of + personal preference; and Mrs. Churton, albeit loving and thinking well of + herself, as most people do, could not help finding it a little strange: + for her daughter, notwithstanding that her mind was darkened by that evil + spirit of unbelief, was outwardly a beautiful, engaging person, ready and + eloquent of speech, and seemed in every way one who would easily win the + unsuspecting regard of a simple-minded affectionate girl like Fan. It was + strange and—<i>providential</i>. Yes, that explained the whole + mystery, and so fully satisfied her religious mind that she was instantly + relieved from the task of groping after any other cause. + </p> + <p> + While these thoughts were passing through her mind they were standing + together before the open window, following Miss Churton's form with their + eyes, as she went away in the direction of Eyethorne woods. But Fan had a + very different feeling; she recalled that interview of the last evening in + the orchard, the clear, tender eyes looking invitingly into hers, the + touch of a warm caressing hand, the words in which her own strange + feelings experienced for the first time had been so aptly described to + her; and the thought gave her a dull pain—a vague sense of some + great blessing missed, of something which had promised to make her + unspeakably happy passing from her life. + </p> + <p> + It was some slight compensation that the scene of that first lesson in + religious doctrine she had expressed herself willing to receive was in the + garden, where they were soon comfortably seated under an acacia-tree; and + that is a tree which does not shut out the heavenly gladness, like beech + and elm and lime, but rather tempers the sunshine with its loose airy + foliage, making a half-brightness that is pleasanter than shade. + </p> + <p> + By means of much gentle questioning, herself often suggesting the answers, + Mrs. Churton gradually drew from the girl an account of all she knew and + thought about sacred subjects. She was shocked and grieved to discover + that this young lady from the metropolis was in a state of ignorance with + regard to such subjects that would have surprised her in any cottage child + among the poor she was accustomed to visit in the neighbourhood. The names + of the Creator and of the Saviour were certainly familiar to Fan; from her + earliest childhood she had heard them spoken with frequency in her old + Moon Street home. But that was all. Her mother had taught her nothing—not + even to lisp, when she was small, the childish rhyme: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Now I lay me down to sleep, + I pray the Lord my soul to keep. +</pre> + <p> + Her Scripture lessons at the Board School had powerfully impressed her, + but in a confused and unpleasant way. Certain portions of the historical + narrative affected her with their picturesque grandeur, and fragments + remained in her memory; the Bible and religion generally came to be + associated in her mind with dire wrath, and war, and the shedding of + blood, with ruin of cities and tribulations without end. It was + processional—a great confused host covered with clouds of dust, + shields and spears, and brass and scarlet, and noise of chariot-wheels and + blowing of trumpets—an awful pageant fascinating and terrifying to + contemplate. And when she stood still, a little frightened, to see a horde + of Salvationists surge past her in the street, with discordant shouting + and singing, waving of red flags and loud braying of brass instruments, + this seemed to her a kind of solemn representation of those ancient and + confused doings she had read about; beyond that it had no meaning. Before + her mother's death she had sometimes gone to St. Michael's Church on wet + or cold or foggy winter evenings; for in better weather it was always + overcrowded, and the vergers—a kind of mitigated policemen, Fan + thought them—would hunt her away from the door. For in those days + she was so ragged and such a sad-looking object, and they doubtless knew + very well what motive she had in going there. She had gone there only + because it was warm and dry, and the decorations and vestments, the + singing and the incense, were sweet to her senses; but what she had heard + had not enlightened her. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Churton sighed. How unutterably sad it seemed to her that this girl, + so lovely in her person, so sweet in disposition, with so pure and + saint-like an expression, should be in this dark and heathenish condition! + But there was infinite comfort in the thought that this precious soul to + be saved had fallen into her hands, and not into those of some worldling + like Miss Starbrow herself, or, worse still, of a downright freethinker + like her own daughter. After having made her first survey of Fan's mind, + finding nothing there except that queer farrago of Scripture lessons which + had never been explained to her, and were now nearly forgotten, it seemed + to Mrs. Churton that it was almost a blank with regard to spiritual + things, like that proverbial clean sheet of paper on which anything good + or bad may be written. It troubled her somewhat, and this was the one + cloud on that fair prospect, that her daughter would have so much to do + with Fan's mind. She was anxious to trust in her daughter's honour, yet + felt, with her belief concerning the weakness of any merely human virtue, + that it would scarcely be safe or right to trust her. She resolved to + observe a middle course—to trust her, but not wholly, to pray but to + watch as well, lest the fowls of the air should come in her absence and + devour the sacred seed she was about to scatter. + </p> + <p> + These, and many more reflections of a like kind, occurred to her while she + was occupied in turning over that pitiful rubbish, composed of broken + fragments of knowledge, in the girl's mind; then she addressed herself + fervently to the task of planting there the great elementary truth that we + are all alike bad by nature, and that only by faith in the Son of God who + died for our sins can we hope to save our souls alive. This was + unspeakably bewildering to Fan, for in a vague kind of way her neglected + mind had conceived a system of right and wrong of its own, which was + entirely independent of any narrative or set of doctrines, and did not + concern itself with the future of the soul. To her mind there were good + people and bad people, besides others she could not classify, in whom the + two opposite qualities were blended, or who were of a neutral moral tint. + The good were those who loved their fellow-creatures, especially their + relations, and were kind to them in word and deed. The bad were those who + gave pain to others by their brutality and selfishness, by untruthfulness + and deceit, and by speaking unkind and impure words. + </p> + <p> + Now to be told that this was all a vain delusion, mere fancy, that she was + a child of sin, as unclean in the sight of Heaven as the worst person she + had ever known—a Joe Harrod or a Captain Horton, for instance—and + that God's anger would burn for ever against her unless she cast away her + own filthy rags—Fan thought that these had been cast away a long + time ago—and clothed herself with the divine righteousness—all + that bewildered and surprised her at first. But being patient and docile + she proved amenable to instruction, and as she unhesitatingly and at once + yielded up every point which her instructress told her was wrong, there + was nothing to hinder progress—if this rapid skimming along over the + surface of a subject can be so described. And as the lesson progressed it + seemed to Mrs. Churton that her pupil took an ever-increasing interest in + it, that her mind became more and more receptive and her intelligence + quicker. + </p> + <p> + The girl's shyness wore off by degrees, her tremulous voice grew firmer, + her pallid cheeks flushed with a colour tender as that of the wild almond + blossom, and her eyes, bright with a new-born confidence, were lifted more + frequently to the other's face. Their hands touched often and lingered + caressingly together, and when the elder lady smiled, a responsive smile + shone in the girl's raised eyes and played on her delicately-moulded mouth—a + smile that was like sunlight on clear water, revealing a nature so simple + and candid; and deep down, trembling into light, the crystalline soul + which had come without flaw from its Maker's hands, and in the midst of + evil had caught no stain to dim its perfect purity. It seemed now to Mrs. + Churton, as she expounded the sacred doctrines which meant so much to her, + that she had not known so great a happiness since her daughter, white even + to her lips at the thought of the cruel pain she was about to inflict, yet + unable to conceal the truth, had come to her and said with trembling + voice, “Mother, I no longer believe as you do.” For how much grief had the + children God had given her already caused her spirit! Two comely sons, her + first and second-born, had after a time despised her teachings, and had + grown up almost to manhood only to bring shame and poverty on their home; + and had then drifted away beyond her ken to lose themselves in the + wandering tribe of ne'er-do-wells in some distant colony. But her daughter + had been left to her, the clear-minded thoughtful girl who would not be + corrupted by the weakness and vices of a father, nor meet with such + temptations as her brothers had been powerless to resist; and in loving + this dear girl with the whole strength of her nature—this one child + that was left to her to be with her in time and eternity—she had + found consolation, and had been happy, until that dark day had arrived, + and she heard the words that spoke to her heart + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + A deeper sorrow + Than the wail upon the dead. +</pre> + <p> + It is true that she still hoped against hope; that she loved her daughter + with passionate intensity, and clove to her, and was filled with a kind of + terror at the thought of losing her, when Constance spoke, as she + sometimes did, of leaving her home; but this love had no comfort, no + sweetness, no joy in it, and it seemed to her more bitter than hate. It + showed itself like hatred in her looks and words sometimes; for in spite + of all her efforts to bear this great trial with the meekness her Divine + Exemplar had taught, the bitter feeling would overcome her. “Mother, I + know that you hate me!”—that was the reproach that was hardest to + bear from her daughter's lips, the words that stung her to the quick. For + although untrue, she felt that they were deserved; so cold did her anger + and unhappiness make her seem to this rebellious child, so harsh and so + bitter! And sometimes the reproach seemed to have the strange power of + actually turning her love to the hatred she was charged with, and at such + times she could scarcely refrain from crying out in her overmastering + wrath to invoke a curse from the Almighty on her daughter's head, to reply + that it was true, that she did hate her with a great hatred, but that her + hatred was as nothing compared to that of her God, who would punish her + for denying His existence with everlasting fire. Unable to hide her + terrible agitation, she would fly to her room, her heart bursting with + anguish, and casting herself on her knees cry out for deliverance from + such distracting thoughts. After one of these stormy periods, followed by + swift compunction, she would be able again to meet and speak to her + daughter in a frame of mind which by contrast seemed strangely meek and + subdued. + </p> + <p> + Now, sitting in the garden with Fan, all the old tender motherly feelings, + and the love that had no pain in it, were coming back to her, and it was + like the coming of spring after a long winter; and this girl, a stranger + to her only yesterday, one who was altogether without that knowledge which + alone can make the soul beautiful, seemed already to have filled the void + in her heart. + </p> + <p> + On the other side it seemed to Fan, as she looked up to meet the grave + tender countenance bent towards her, that it grew every moment dearer to + her sight, It was a comely face still: Miss Churton's beauty was inherited + from her mother—certainly not from her father. The features were + regular, and perhaps that grey hair had once been golden, thought Fan—and + the face now pallid and lined with care full of rich colour. Imagination + lends a powerful aid to affection. She had found someone to love and was + happy once more. For to her love was everything; “all thoughts, all + feelings, all delights” were its ministers and “fed its sacred flame”; + this was the secret motive ever inspiring her, and it was impossible for + her to put any other, higher or lower, in its place. Not that sweet + sickness and rage of the heart which is also called love, and which so + enriches life that we look with a kind of contemptuous pity on those who + have never experienced it, thinking that they have only a dim incomplete + existence, and move through life ghost-like and sorrowful among their + joyous brothers and sisters. Such a feeling had never yet touched or come + near to her young heart; and her ignorance was so great, and the + transition to her present life so recent, that she did not yet distinguish + between the different kinds of that feeling—that which was wholly + gross and animal, seen in foul faces and whispered in her ears by polluted + lips, from which she had fled, trembling and terrified, through the dark + lanes and streets of the City of Dreadful Night; and the same feeling as + it appears, sublimed and beautified, in the refined and the virtuous. As + yet she knew nothing about a beautiful love of that kind; but she had in + the highest degree that purer, better affection which we prize as our most + sacred possession, and even attribute to the immortals, since our earthly + finite minds cannot conceive any more beautiful bond uniting them. It was + this flame in her heart which had kept her like one alone, apart and + unsoiled in the midst of squalor and vice, which had made her girlhood so + unspeakably sad. Her soul had existed in a semi-starved condition on such + affection as her miserable intemperate mother had bestowed on her, and, + for the rest, the sight of love in which she had no part in some measure + ministered to her wants and helped to sustain her. + </p> + <p> + One of the memories of her dreary life in Moon Street, which remained most + vividly impressed on her mind, was of a very poor family whose head was an + old man who mended broken-bottomed cane-chairs for a living; the others + being a daughter, a middle-aged woman whose husband had forsaken her, and + her three children. The eldest child was a stolid-looking round-faced girl + about thirteen years old, who had the care of the little ones while her + mother was away at work in a laundry. This family lodged in a house + adjoining the one in which Fan lived, and for several weeks after they + came there she used to shrink away in fear from the old grandfather + whenever she saw him going out in the morning and returning in the + evening. He was a tall spare old man, sixty-five or seventy years old, + with clothes worn almost to threads, a broad-brimmed old felt hat on his + head, and one of his knees stiff, so that he walked like a man with a + wooden leg. But he was erect as a soldier, and always walked swiftly, even + when returning, tired no doubt, from a long day's wandering and burdened + with his bundle of cane and three or four old broken chairs—his + day's harvest. But what a face was that old man's! He had long hair, + almost white, a thin grey stern face with sharp aquiline features, and, + set deep under his feather-like tufty eyebrows, blue eyes that looked cold + and keen as steel. If he had walked in Pall Mall, dressed like a + gentleman, the passer-by would have turned to look after him, and probably + said, “There goes a leader of men—a man of action—a fighter of + England's battles in some distant quarter of the globe.” But he was only + an old gatherer of broken chairs, and got sixpence for each chair he + mended, and lived on it; an indomitable old man who lived bravely and + would die bravely, albeit not on any burning plain or in any wild mountain + pass, leading his men, but in a garret, where he would mend his last + broken chair, and look up unflinching in the Destroyer's face. Whenever he + came stumping rapidly past, and turned that swift piercing eagle glance on + Fan, she would shrink aside as if she felt the sting of sleet or a gust of + icy-cold wind on her face. That was at first. Afterwards she discovered + that at a certain hour of the late afternoon the eldest girl would come + down and take up her station in the doorway to wait his coming. When he + appeared her eyes would sparkle and her whole face kindle with a glad + excitement, and hiding herself in the doorway, she would wait his arrival, + then suddenly spring out to startle him with a joyous cry. The sight of + this daily meeting had such a fascination for Fan that she would always + try to be there at the proper time to witness it; and after it was over + she would go about for hours feeling a kind of reflected happiness in her + heart at the love which gladdened these poor people's lives. + </p> + <p> + Afterwards, in Dawson Place, Mary's affection for her had made her + inexpressibly happy, in spite of some very serious troubles, and now, when + Mary's last warning words had made any close friendship with Miss Churton + impossible, her heart turned readily to the mother. In this case there had + been no prohibition; Mary's jealousy had not gone so far as that; Mrs. + Churton was the one being in her new home to whom she could cling without + offence, and who could satisfy her soul with the food for which it + hungered. + </p> + <p> + They had been sitting together over two hours in the garden when Mrs. + Churton at length rose from her seat. + </p> + <p> + “I hope that I have not tired you—I hope that you have liked your + lesson,” she said, taking the girl's hand. + </p> + <p> + “I have liked it so much,” answered Fan. “I like to be with you so much, + because”—she hesitated a little and then finished—“because I + think that you like me.” + </p> + <p> + “I like you very much, Fan,” she returned, and stooping, kissed her on the + forehead. “I can say that I love you dearly, although you have only been + with us since yesterday. And if you can love me, Fan, and regard me as a + mother, it will be a great comfort to me and a great help to both of us in + our lessons.” + </p> + <p> + Fan caressed the hand which still retained hers, but at the same time she + cast down her eyes, over which a little shade of anxiety had come. She was + thinking, perhaps, that this relationship of mother and daughter might not + be an altogether desirable one. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII + </h2> + <p> + On Sunday Fan accompanied Mr. and Mrs. Churton to morning service, and + thought it strange that her teacher did not go with them. In the evening + the party was differently composed, the master of the house having + absented himself; then just as Mrs. Churton and Fan were starting, + Constance joined them, prayer-book in hand. Mrs. Churton was surprised, + but made no remark. Fan sat between mother and daughter, and Constance, + taking her book, found the places for her; for Mary had failed after all + to teach her how to use it. Mr. Northcott preached the sermon, and it was + a poor performance. He was not gifted with a good delivery, and his voice + was not of that moist mellifluous description, as of an organ fattened on + cream, which is more than half the battle to the young cleric, certainly + more than passion and eloquence, and of the pulpit pulpity. There was a + restless spirit in Mr. Northcott; he took a somewhat painful interest in + questions of the day, and in preaching was prone to leave his text, to + cast it away as it were, and, taking up modern weapons, fight against + modern sins, modern unbelief. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + His piping took a troubled sound, + Of storms that rage outside our happy ground; + He could not wait their passing. +</pre> + <p> + But one who was over him could, and the piping was not pleasing to him, + and scarcely intelligible to the drowsy villagers; and when in obedience + to his vicar's wish he went back to preach again of the Jews and Jehovah's + dealings with them, his sermons were no better and no worse than those of + other curates in other village pulpits. It was a sermon of this kind that + Constance heard. If some old Eyethorner, dead these fifty years, had risen + from his mouldy grave in the adjoining churchyard, and had come in and + listened, he would not have known that a great change had come, that the + bright sea of faith that once girdled the earth had withdrawn. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Down the vast edges drear + And naked shingles of the world. +</pre> + <p> + He took his text from the Old Testament, and spoke of the captivity of the + Israelites in Egypt. It was a dreary discourse, and through it all Miss + Churton sat leaning back with eyes half closed, but whether listening to + the preacher or attending to her own thoughts, there was nothing in her + face to show. + </p> + <p> + When they came out into the pleasant evening air Mrs. Churton lingered a + little, as was her custom, to exchange a few words with some of her + friends, while Constance and Fan went slowly on for a short distance, and + finally moved aside from the path on to the green turf. Here presently the + curate joined them. + </p> + <p> + “I am glad you came, Miss Churton,” he spoke, pressing her hand. And after + an interval of silence he added, “I hope I have not made you hate me for + inflicting such a horribly dull discourse on you.” + </p> + <p> + “You should be the last person to say that,” she returned. “You might + easily have made your sermon interesting—to <i>me</i> I mean; but I + should not have thought better of you if you had done so.” + </p> + <p> + “Thanks for that. I am sometimes troubled with the thought that I made a + mistake in going into the Church, and the doubt troubled me this evening + when I was in the pulpit—more than it has ever done before.” + </p> + <p> + She made no reply to this speech until Fan moved a few feet away to read a + half-obliterated inscription she had been vainly studying for a minute or + two. Then she said, looking at him: + </p> + <p> + “I cannot imagine, Mr. Northcott, why you should select me to say this + to.” + </p> + <p> + “Can you not? And yet I have a fancy that it would not be so very hard for + you to find a reason. I have been accustomed to mix with people who read + and think and write, and to discuss things freely with them, and I cannot + forget for a single hour of my waking life that the old order has changed, + and that we are drifting I know not whither. I do not wish to ignore this + in the pulpit, and yet to avoid offending I am compelled to do so—to + withdraw myself from the vexed present and look only at ancient things + through ancient eyes. I know that you can understand and enter into that + feeling, Miss Churton—you alone, perhaps, of all who came to church + this evening; is it too much to look for a little sympathy from you in + such a case?” + </p> + <p> + She had listened with eyes cast down, slowly swinging the end of her + sunshade over the green grass blades. + </p> + <p> + “I do sympathise with you, Mr. Northcott,” she returned, “but at the same + time I scarcely think you ought to expect it, unless it be out of + gratitude for your kindness to me.” + </p> + <p> + “Gratitude! It hurts me to hear that word. I am glad, however, that you + sympathise, but why ought I not to expect it? Will you tell me?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, if it is necessary. I cannot pretend to respect your motives for + ignoring questions you consider so important, and which occupy your + thoughts so much. If your heart is really with the thinkers, and your + desire to be in the middle of the fight, why do you rest here in the shade + out of it all, explaining old parables to a set of sleepy villagers who do + not know that there is a battle, and have never heard of Evolution?” + </p> + <p> + He listened with a flush on his cheeks, and there was trouble mingled with + the admiration his eyes expressed; but when she finished speaking he + dropped them again. Before he could frame a reply Mrs. Churton joined + them, whereupon he shook hands and left them, only remarking to Constance + in a low voice, “I shall answer you when we meet again—we do things + quietly in Eyethorne.” + </p> + <p> + On their way home Mrs. Churton made a few weak attempts to draw her + daughter into conversation, and was evidently curious to know what she had + been talking about so confidentially with the curate; but her efforts met + with little success and were soon given up. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Churton met them on their arrival at the house. “What, Constance, you + too! Well, well, wonders will never cease,” he cried, smiling and holding + up his hands with a great affectation of surprise. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Churton!” exclaimed his wife, rebuke in her look and tones. Then she + added, “It would have been better if you had also gone with us.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear, I fully intended going. But there it is, man proposes and—ahem—I + stayed talking with a friend until it was past the time. Most + unfortunate!” and finishing with a little inconsequent chuckle, he opened + the door for them to enter. + </p> + <p> + He was extremely lively and talkative, and Mrs. Churton had some + difficulty in keeping him within the bounds of strict Sunday-evening + propriety. At supper he became unmanageable. + </p> + <p> + “What was the text this evening, Constance?” he suddenly asked <i>à propos</i> + of nothing, and still inclined to make a little joke out of her going to + church. + </p> + <p> + “I don't remember—I think it was from one of the prophets,” she + returned coldly. + </p> + <p> + “That's interesting to know,” he remarked, “but a little vague—just + a little vague. Perhaps Miss Affleck remembers better; she is no doubt a + more regular church-goer,” and with a chuckle he looked at her. + </p> + <p> + Fan was distressed at being asked, but Mrs. Churton came almost instantly + to her relief. “It is rather unfair to ask her, Nathaniel,” she said, with + considerable severity in her voice. “The text was from Exodus—the + tenth and eleventh verses of the sixteenth chapter.” + </p> + <p> + “Thanks—thanks, my dear. These tenths and elevenths and sixteenths + are somewhat confusing to one's memory, but you always remember them. Yet, + if my memory does not play me false, that is a text which most young + ladies would remember. It refers, I think, to the Israelitish ladies + making off with the jewellery—always a most fascinating subject.” + </p> + <p> + “It does not, Nathaniel,” she said sharply. “And I wish you would reflect + that it is not quite in good taste to discuss sacred subjects in this + light tone before—a stranger.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear, you know very well that I am the last person to speak lightly on + such subjects.” + </p> + <p> + “I hope so. Let us say no more about it.” + </p> + <p> + “Very well, my dear; I'm quite willing to drop the subject. But, my dear, + now that it occurs to me, why should I drop it? Why should you monopolise + every subject connected with—with—ahem—our religious + observances? It strikes me that you are a little unreasonable.” + </p> + <p> + His wife ignored this attack, and turning to Fan, remarked that the + evening was so warm and lovely they might spend half an hour in the garden + after supper. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, that will be charming,” said Mr. Churton. “We'll all go—Constance + too,” he added, with a little vindictive cackle of laughter. “Don't be + alarmed, my dear, I sha'n't smoke—pipes and religion strictly + prohibited.” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Churton!” said his wife. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, my dear.” + </p> + <p> + Constance rose from her seat. + </p> + <p> + “Will you come with us, Constance?” said her mother. + </p> + <p> + “Not this evening, mother. I wish to read a little in my room.” After + bidding them good-night, she left the room. + </p> + <p> + “Wise girl—strong-minded girl, knows her own mind,” muttered Mr. + Churton, shaking his head, conscious, poor man, that he had anything but a + strong mind, and that he didn't know it. + </p> + <p> + His wife darted an angry look at him, but said nothing. + </p> + <p> + “My dear,” he resumed. “On second thoughts I must ask to be excused. I + shall also retire to my room to read a little.” + </p> + <p> + “Very well,” she answered, evidently relieved. + </p> + <p> + “I don't quite agree with you, my dear. I don't think it is very well. + There's an old saying that you can choke a dog with pudding, and I fancy + we have too much religion in this house,” and here becoming excited, he + struck the table with his fist. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Churton, I cannot listen to such talk!” said his wife, rising from + her seat. + </p> + <p> + Fan also rose, a little startled at this domestic jangling, but not + alarmed, for it was by no means of so formidable a character as that to + which she had been accustomed in the old days. + </p> + <p> + “I will join you presently in the garden, Fan,” said Mrs. Churton, and + then, left alone with her husband, she proceeded to use stronger measures; + but the little man was in plain rebellion now, and from the garden Fan + could hear him banging the furniture about, and his voice raised to a + shrieky falsetto, making use of unparliamentary language. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIX + </h2> + <p> + The Monday morning, to which Fan had been looking forward with + considerable apprehension, brought no new and frightful experience: she + was not caught up and instantly plunged fathoms down beyond her depth into + that great cold ocean of knowledge; on the contrary, Miss Churton merely + took her for a not unpleasant ramble along the margin—that old + familiar margin where she had been accustomed to stray and dabble and + paddle in the safe shallows. Miss Churton was only making herself + acquainted with her pupil's mind, finding out what roots of knowledge + already existed there on which to graft new branches; and we know that the + time Fan had spent in the Board School had not been wasted. Miss Churton + was not shocked nor disappointed as her mother had been: the girl had made + some progress, and what she had learnt had not been wholly forgotten. + </p> + <p> + If this easy going over old ground was a relief to Fan, she experienced + another and even a greater relief in her teacher's manner towards her. She + was gentle, patient, unruffled, explaining things so clearly, so forcibly, + so fully, as they had never been explained before, so that learning became + almost a delight; but with it all there was not the slightest approach to + that strange tenderness in speech and manner which Fan had expected and + had greatly feared. Feared, because she felt now that she could not have + resisted it; and how strange it seemed that her finest quality, her best + virtue, had become in this instance her greatest enemy, and had to be + fought against, just as some fight against the evil that is in them. + </p> + <p> + But Miss Churton never changed. That first morning when she had, so to + speak, looked over her pupil's mind, seeking to discover her natural + aptitudes, was a type of all the succeeding days when they were together + at their studies. The girl's fears were quickly allayed; while Mrs. + Churton more slowly and little by little got over her unjust suspicions. + And the result was that with the exception of little petulant or + passionate outbreaks on the part of Mr. Churton, mere tempests in a + tea-cup, a novel and very welcome peace reigned at Wood End House. Between + mother and daughter there was only one quarrel more—the last battle + fought at the end of a long war. For a few days after that evening when + Constance had accompanied her to church, the poor woman almost succeeded + in persuading herself that a long-desired change was coming, that the + quiet curate, who had all learning, ancient and modern, at his + finger-ends, had succeeded at last in touching her daughter's hard heart, + and in at least partially lifting the scales that darkened her eyes. For + he was always seeking her out, conversing with her, and it was evident to + her mind that he had set himself to bring back that wanderer to the fold. + But the very next Sunday brought a great disillusion. As usual her + daughter did not go to church in the morning, but when the bells were + calling to evening service, and she stood with Fan ready to leave the + house, she still lingered, looking very pale, her hands trembling a little + with her agitation, afraid to go out too soon lest Constance should also + be coming. With sinking heart she at last came out, but before walking a + dozen yards she left Fan and went back to the house, and going up to her + daughter's bedroom, tapped at the door. + </p> + <p> + Constance opened it at once; her hat was on, and she had a book in her + hand. + </p> + <p> + “Are you not coming to church with us, Constance?” said the mother, + speaking low as if to conceal the fact that her heart was beating fast. + </p> + <p> + “No mother, I am only going to the garden to read.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Churton turned aside, and then stood for some moments in doubt. There + was such a repelling coldness in her daughter's voice, but it was hard to + have all her sweet hopes shattered again! + </p> + <p> + “Is it because I have expected it this evening, Constance, and have asked + you to go? Then how unkind you are to me! Last Sunday evening you went + unsolicited.” + </p> + <p> + “You are mistaken,” returned the other quietly. “I am not and never have + been unkind. All the unkindness and the enmity, open and secret, has been + on your side. That you know, mother. And I did not go unasked last Sunday. + Do you wish to know why I went?” + </p> + <p> + “Why did you go?” + </p> + <p> + “Only to please Mr. Northcott, and because he asked me. He knew, I + suppose, as well as I did myself, that it makes no difference, but I could + not do less than go when he wished it, when he is the only person here who + treats me unlike a Christian.” + </p> + <p> + <i>“Unlike</i> a Christian! Constance, what do you mean?” + </p> + <p> + “I mean that he has treated me kindly, as one human being should treat + another, however much they may differ about speculative matters.” + </p> + <p> + “May God forgive you for your wicked words, Constance.” + </p> + <p> + “Leave me, mother; Fan is waiting, and you will be late at church. I have + not interfered with you in any way about the girl. Teach her what you + like, make much of her, and let her be your daughter. In return I only ask + to be left alone with my own thoughts.” + </p> + <p> + Then Mrs. Churton went down and joined Fan, deeply disappointed, wounded + to the core and surprised as well. For hitherto in all their contests she, + the mother, had been the aggressor, as she could not help confessing to + herself, while Constance had always been singularly placable and had + spoken but little, and that only in self-defence. Now her own gentle and + kind words had been met with a concentrated bitterness of resentment which + seemed altogether new and strange. “What,” she asked herself, “was the + cause of it?” Was this mysterious poison of unbelief doing its work and + changing a heart naturally sweet and loving into a home of all dark + thoughts and evil passions? Her words had been blasphemous, and it was + horrible to reflect on the condition of this unhappy lost soul. + </p> + <p> + But these distressing thoughts did not continue long. Mr. Northcott + happened that evening to say a great deal about kindness and its effects + in his sermon; and Mrs. Churton, while she listened, again and again + recalled those words which her daughter had spoken, and which had seemed + so wild and unjust—“All the unkindness and the enmity, open and + secret, has been on your side.” Had she in her inconsiderate zeal given + any reason for such a charge? For if Constance really believed such a + thing it would account for her excessive bitterness. Then she remembered + how Fan had been mysteriously won over to her own side; to herself the + girl's action had seemed mysterious, but doubtless it had not seemed so to + Constance; she had set it down to her mother's secret enmity; and though + that reproach had been undeserved, it was not strange that she had made + it. + </p> + <p> + In the evening when Miss Churton, who had recovered her placid manner, + said good-night and left the room, her mother rose and followed her out, + and called softly to her. + </p> + <p> + Constance came slowly down the stairs, looking a little surprised. + </p> + <p> + “Constance, forgive me if I have been unkind to you,” said the mother, + with trembling voice. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, mother; and forgive me if I said too much this evening—I <i>did</i> + say too much.” + </p> + <p> + “I have already forgiven you,” returned her mother; and then for a few + moments they remained standing together without speaking. + </p> + <p> + “Good-night, mother,” said Constance at length, and offering her hand. + </p> + <p> + Her mother took it, and after a moment's hesitation drew the girl to her + and kissed her, after which they silently separated. + </p> + <p> + That mutual forgiveness and kiss signified that they were now both willing + to lay aside their vain dissensions, but nothing more. That it would mark + the beginning of a closer union and confidence between them was not for a + moment imagined. Mrs. Churton had been disturbed in her mind; her + conscience accused her of indiscretion, which had probably given rise to + painful suspicions; she could not do less than ask her enemy's + forgiveness. Constance, on her side, was ready to meet any advance, since + she only desired to be left in possession of the somewhat melancholy peace + her solitary life afforded her. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile Fan was happily ignorant of the storm her coming to the house + had raised, and that these two ladies, both so dear to her, one loved + openly and the other secretly, had been fighting for her possession, and + that the battle was lost and won, one taking her as a lawful prize, while + the other had retired, defeated, but calmly, without complaint. Her new + life and surroundings—the noiseless uneventful days, each with its + little cares and occupations, and simple natural pleasures, the world of + verdure and melody of birds and wide expanse of sky—seemed strangely + in harmony with her spirit: it soon became familiar as if she had been + born to it; the town life, the streets she had known from infancy, had + never seemed so familiar, so closely joined to her life. And as the days + and weeks and months went by, her London life, when she recalled it, began + to seem immeasurably remote in time, or else unreal, like a dream or a + story heard long ago; and the people she had known were like imaginary + people. Only Mary seemed real and not remote—a link connecting that + old and shadowy past with the vivid living present. + </p> + <p> + Her mornings, from nine till one o'clock, were spent with her teacher, and + occasionally they went for a walk after dinner; but as a rule they were + not together during the last half of the day. After school hours Miss + Churton would hand over her pupil, not unwillingly, to her mother, and, if + the state of the weather did not prevent, she would go away alone with her + book to Eyethorne woods. + </p> + <p> + A strangely solitary and unsocial life, it seemed to Fan; and yet she felt + convinced in her mind that her teacher was warm-hearted, a lover of her + fellow-creatures, and glad to be with them; and that she should seem so + lonely and friendless, so apart even in her own home, puzzled her greatly. + A mystery, however, it was destined to remain for a long time; for no word + to enlighten her ever fell from Mrs. Churton's lips, who seldom even + mentioned her daughter's name, and never without a shade coming over her + face, as if the name suggested some painful thought. All this troubled the + girl's mind, but it was a slight trouble; and by-and-by, when she had got + over her first shyness towards strangers, she formed fresh acquaintances, + and found new interests and occupations which filled her leisure time. + Mrs. Churton often took her when going to call on the few friends she had + in the neighbourhood—friends who, for some unexplained reason, + seldom returned her visits. At the vicarage, where they frequently went, + Fan became acquainted with Mr. Long the vicar, a large, grey-haired, + mild-mannered man; and Mrs. Long, a round energetic woman, with reddish + cheeks and keen eyes; and the three Miss Longs, who were not exactly + good-looking nor exactly young. Before very long it was discovered that + she was clever with her needle, and, better still, that she had learnt the + beautiful art of embroidery at South Kensington, and was fond of + practising it. These talents were not permitted to lie folded up in a + napkin. A new altar-cloth was greatly needed, and there were garments for + the children of the very poor, and all sorts of things to be made; it was + arranged that she should spend two afternoons each week at the vicarage + assisting her new friends in their charitable work. + </p> + <p> + But more to her than these friends were the very poor, whose homes, + sometimes made wretched by want or sickness or intemperance, she visited + in Mrs. Churton's company. The lady of Wood End House was not without + faults, as we have seen; but they were chiefly faults of temper—and + her temper was very sorely tried. She could not forget her lost sons, nor + shut her eyes to her husband's worthlessness. But the passive resistance + her daughter always opposed to her efforts, her dogged adherence to a + resolution never to discuss religious questions or give a reason for her + unbelief, had a powerfully irritating, almost a maddening, effect on her, + and made her at times denunciatory and violent. Her daughter's motive for + keeping her lips closed was a noble one, only Mrs. Churton did not know + what it was. But she was conscious of her own failings, and never ceased + struggling to overcome them; and she was tolerant of faults in others, + except that one fatal fault of infidelity in her daughter, which was too + great, too terrible, to be contemplated with calm. In spite of these small + blemishes she was in every sense a Christian, whose religion was a + tremendous reality, and whose whole life was one unceasing and consistent + endeavour to follow in the footsteps of her Divine Master. To go about + doing good, to minister to the sick and suffering and comfort the + afflicted—that was like the breath of life to her; there was not a + cottage—hardly a room in a cottage—within the parish of + Eyethorne where her kindly face was not as familiar as that of any person + outside of its own little domestic circle. Mrs. Churton soon made the + discovery that she could not give Fan a greater happiness than to take her + when making her visits to the poor; to have the gentle girl she had learnt + to love and look on almost as a daughter with her was such a comfort and + pleasure, that she never failed to take her when it was practicable. At + first Fan was naturally stared at, a little rudely at times, and addressed + in that profoundly respectful manner the poor sometimes use to uninvited + visitors of a class higher than themselves, in which the words border on + servility while the tone suggests resentment. How inappropriate and even + unnatural this seemed to her! For these were her own people—the very + poor, and all the privations and sufferings peculiar to their condition + were known to her, and she had not outgrown her sympathy with them. Only + she could not tell them that, and it would have been a great mistake if + she had done so. For no one loves a deserter—a renegade; and a + beggar-girl who blossoms into a lady is to those who are beggars still a + renegade of the worst description. But the keen interest she manifested in + her shy way in their little domestic troubles and concerns, and above all + her fondness for little children, smoothed the way, and before long made + her visits welcome. She would kneel and take the staring youngster by its + dirty hand—so perfectly unconscious of its dirtiness, which seemed + very wonderful in one so dainty-looking—and start a little + independent child's gossip with it, away from Mrs. Churton and the elders + of the cottage. And she would win the little bucolic heart, and kiss its + lips, sweet and fragrant to her in spite of the dirt surrounding them; and + by-and-by the mother's sharp expression would soften when she met the + tender grey eyes; and thereafter there would be a new happiness when Fan + appeared, and if Mrs. Churton came without her, there would be sullen + looks from the little one, and inquiries from its mother after “your + beautiful young lady from London.” + </p> + <p> + All this was inexpressibly grateful to Mrs. Churton, all the more grateful + when she noticed that these visits they made together to the very poor + seemed to have the effect of drawing the girl more and more to her. To her + mind, all this signified that her religious teachings were sinking into + the girl's heart, that her own lofty ideal was becoming increasingly + beautiful to that young mind. + </p> + <p> + But she was making a great mistake—one which is frequently made by + those who do not know how easily some Christian virtues and qualities are + simulated by the unregenerate. All the doctrinal religion she had imparted + to Fan remained on the surface, and had not, and, owing to some defect in + her or for some other cause, perhaps could not sink down to become rooted + in her heart. After Mrs. Churton had, as she imagined, utterly and for + ever smashed and pulverised all Fan's preconceived and wildly erroneous + ideas about right and wrong, the girl's mind for some time had been in a + state of chaos with regard to such matters. But gradually, by means of a + kind of spiritual chemistry, the original elements of her peculiar system + came together, and crystallised again in the old form. Her mental attitude + was not like that of the downright and doggedly-conservative Jan Coggan, + who scorned to turn his back on “his own old ancient doctrines merely for + the sake of getting to heaven.” There was nothing stubborn or downright in + her disposition, and she was hardly conscious of the change going on in + her—the reversion to her own past. She assented readily to + everything she was told by so good a woman as Mrs. Churton, and in a way + she believed it all, and read her Bible and several pious books besides, + and got the whole catechism by heart. It was all in her memory—many + beautiful things, with others too dreadful to think about; but it could + not make her life any different, or supplant her old simple beliefs, and + she could never grasp the idea that a living faith in all these things was + absolutely essential, or that they were really more than ornamental. Her + lively sympathy for those of her own class was the only reason for the + pleasure she took in going among the poor, and it also explained her + natural unconstrained manner towards them, which so quickly won their + hearts. During these visits she often recalled her own sad condition in + that distant time when she lived in Moon Street; thinking that it would + have made a great difference if some gracious lady had come to her there, + with help in her hands and words of comfort on her lips. It was this + memory, this thought, which filled her with love and reverence for her + companion; it was gratitude for friendship to the poor, but nothing + loftier. + </p> + <p> + This was a quiet and uneventful period in Fan's life; a time of growth, + mental and physical, and of improvement; but as we have seen, the new + conditions she found herself in had not so far wrought any change in her + character. Those who knew her at Eyethorne, both gentle and simple, would + have been surprised to hear that she was not a lady by birth; in her soul + she was still the girl who had begged for pence in the Edgware Road, who + had run crying through the dark streets after the cab that conveyed her + drunken and fatally-injured mother to St. Mary's Hospital. Let them + disbelieve who know not Fan, who have never known one like her. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XX + </h2> + <p> + One afternoon in early August Fan accompanied Mrs. Churton on a visit to + some cottages on the further side of Eyethorne village; she went gladly, + for they were going to see Mrs. Cawood, a young married woman with three + children, and one of them, the eldest, a sharp little fellow, was her + special favourite. Mrs. Cawood was a good-tempered industrious little + woman; but her husband—Cawood the carpenter—was a thorn in + Mrs. Churton's tender side. Not that he was a black sheep in the Eyethorne + fold; on the contrary, he was known to be temperate, a good husband and + father, and a clever industrious mechanic. But he was never seen at + church; on Sundays he went fishing, being devoted to the gentle craft; and + it was wrong, more so in him because of his good name than in many + another. Mrs. Churton was anxious to point this out to him, but + unfortunately could not see him; he was always out of the way when she + called, no matter when the call was timed. “I wish you could get hold of + Cawood,” had been said to her many times by the parson and his wife; but + there was no getting hold of him. The curate had also tried and failed. + Once he had gone to him when he was engaged on some work, but the + carpenter had reminded him very pleasantly that there is a time for + everything, that carpentering and theology mixed badly together. + </p> + <p> + But all things come to those who wait, and on this August afternoon the + slippery carpenter was fairly caught, like one of his own silly fish; but + whether she succeeded in landing her prize or not remains to be told. + Apparently he did not suspect that there were strangers in the cottage—some + prearranged signal had failed to work, or someone had blundered; anyhow he + walked unconcernedly into the room, and seemed greatly surprised to find + it occupied by two lady visitors. Mrs. Churton sat with a book in her + hand, gently explaining some difficult point to his wife; while at some + distance Fan was carrying on a whispered conversation with her little + friend Billy. The child sprung up with such sudden violence that he almost + capsized her low chair, and rushing to his father embraced his legs. With + a glance at his wife, expressing mild reproach and a resolution to make + the best of it, he saluted his visitors, then deposited his bag of tools + on the floor. + </p> + <p> + Cawood was a Londoner, who had come down to do some work on a large house + in the neighbourhood, and there “met his fate” in the person of a pretty + Eyethorne girl, whom he straightway married; then, finding that there was + room for him, and good fishing to be had, he elected to stay in his wife's + village among her own people. He was a well-set-up man of about + thirty-five, with that quiet, self-contained, thoughtful look in his + countenance which is not infrequently seen in the London artisan—a + face expressing firmness and intelligence, with a mixture of <i>bonhomie</i>, + which made it a pleasant study. + </p> + <p> + “I am glad you have come in,” said the visitor. “I have been wishing to + see you for a long time, but have not succeeded in finding you at home.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, ma'am; it's very kind of you to come and see my wife. She + often speaks of your visits. Also of the young lady's”; and here he looked + at Fan with a pleasant smile. + </p> + <p> + “Yes; your wife is very good. I knew her before you did, Mr. Cawood; I + have held her in my arms when she was a baby, and have known her well up + till now when she is having babies of her own.” + </p> + <p> + “And very good things to have, ma'am—in moderation,” he remarked, + with a twinkle in his eye. + </p> + <p> + “And since she makes you so good a wife, don't you think you ought to + comply with her wishes in some things?” + </p> + <p> + “Why, yes, ma'am, certainly I ought; and what's more, I do. We get on + amazingly well together, considering that we are man and wife,” and with a + slight laugh he sat down. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Churton winced a little, thinking for the moment that he had made a + covert allusion to the state of her own domestic relations; but after a + glance at his open genial face, she dismissed the suspicion and returned + to the charge. + </p> + <p> + “I know you are happy together, and it speaks well for both of you. But we + do not see you at church, Mr. Cawood. Your wife has often promised me to + beg you to go with her; if she has done so you have surely not complied in + this case.” + </p> + <p> + “No, ma'am, no, not in that; but I think she understands how to look at + it; and if she asks me to go with her, she knows that she is asking for + something she doesn't expect to get.” + </p> + <p> + “But why? I want to know why you do not go to church. There are many of us + who try to live good lives, but we are told, and we know, that this is not + enough; that we cannot save ourselves, however hard we may try, but must + go to Him who gave Himself to save us, and who bade us assemble together + to worship Him.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, ma'am, if anyone feels like that, I think he is right to go to + church. I do not object to my wife going; if it is a pleasure and comfort + to her I am glad of it. I only say, let us all have the same liberty, and + go or not just as we please.” + </p> + <p> + “We all have it, Mr. Cawood. But if you believe that there is One who made + us, and is mindful of us, you must know that it is a good thing to obey + His written word, and serve Him in the way He has told us.” + </p> + <p> + “I'm sorry I can't see my way to do as you wish. My wife has given me all + your messages, and the papers and tracts you've been so good as to leave + for me. But I haven't read them. I can't, because you see my mind's made + up about such things, and I don't see the advantage of unmaking it again.” + </p> + <p> + Here was a stubborn man to deal with! His wife heard him quietly, as if it + were all familiar to her. Fan, on the other hand, listened with an + expression of intense interest. For this man answered not like the others. + He seemed to know his own mind, and did not instantly acquiesce in what + was said, and unhesitatingly make any promise that was asked of him. But + how had he been able to make up his mind? and what to think and believe? + That was what she wanted to know, and was waiting to hear. Mrs. Churton, + glancing round on her small audience, encountered the girl's eager eyes + fixed on her face; and she reflected that even if her words should avail + nothing so far as Cawood was concerned, their effect would not be lost on + others whose hearts were more open to instruction. She addressed herself + to her task once more, and her words were meant for Fan and for the + carpenter's wife as well as for the carpenter. + </p> + <p> + “I think,” she began, “that I can convince you that you are wrong. There + cannot be two rights about any question; and if what you think is right—that + it is useless to attend church and trouble yourself in any way about your + eternal interests—then all the rest of us must be in the wrong. I + suppose you do not deny the truth of Christianity?” + </p> + <p> + “Since you put it in that way, I do not.” + </p> + <p> + “That makes it all the simpler for me. I know you to be an honest, + temperate man, diligent in your work, and that you do all in your power to + make your home happy. Perhaps you imagine that this is enough. It would + not be strange if you did, because it is precisely the mistake we are all + most liable to fall into. What more is wanted of us? we say; we are not + bad, like so many others; and so we are glad to put the whole question + from us, and go on in our own easy way. Everything is smooth on the + surface, and this pleasant appearance of things lulls us into security. + But it is all a delusion, a false security, as we too often discover only + when death is near. Only then we begin to see how we have neglected our + opportunities, and despised the means of grace, and lived at enmity with + God. For we have His word, which tells us that we are born in sin, and do + nothing pleasing in His sight unless we obey Him. There is no escape from + this: either He is our guide in this our pilgrimage or He is not. And if + He is our guide, then it behoves us to reflect seriously on these things—to + search the Scriptures, to worship in public, and humbly seek instruction + from our appointed teachers.” + </p> + <p> + This was only a small portion of what she said. Mrs. Churton was + experienced in talk of this kind, and once fairly started she could run on + indefinitely, like a horse cantering or a lark singing, with no + perceptible effort and without fatigue. + </p> + <p> + “I think, ma'am, you could not have put it plainer,” said the carpenter, + who had sat through it all, with eyes cast down, in an attitude of + respectful attention. “But if I can't go with you in this matter, then + probably it wouldn't interest you to know what I hold and where I go?” + </p> + <p> + Now that was precisely what Fan wanted to know; again she looked anxiously + at Mrs. Churton, and it was a great relief when that lady replied: + </p> + <p> + “It will interest me very much to hear you state your views, Mr. Cawood.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, ma'am. I must tell you that I've attended more churches, and + heard more good sermons, and read more books about different things, and + heard more good lectures from those who spoke both for and against + religion, than most working-men. In London it was all to be had for + nothing; and being of an inquiring turn of mind, and thinking that + something would come of it all, I used my opportunities. And what was the + result? Why nothing at all—nothing came of it. The conclusion I + arrived at was, that if I could live for a thousand years it would be just + the same—nothing would come of it; so I just made up my mind to + throw the whole thing up. I don't want you to think that I ever turned + against religion. I never did that; nor did I ever set up against those + who say that the Bible is only a mixture of history and fable. I did + something quite different, and I can't agree with you when you say that we + must be either for or against. For here am I, neither for one thing nor + the other. On one side are those who have the Bible in their hands, and + tell us that it is an inspired book—God's word; on the other side + are those who maintain that it is nothing of the sort; and when we ask + what kind of men they are, and what kind of lives do they lead, we find + that in both camps there are as good men as have ever lived, and along + with these others bad and indifferent. And when we ask where the + intelligence is, the answer is the same; it is on this side and on that. + Now my place is with neither side. I stand, so to speak, between the two + camps, at an equal distance from both. Perhaps there is reason and truth + on this side and on that; but the question is too great for me to settle, + when the wisest men can't agree about it. I have heard what they had to + say to me, and finding that I did nothing but see-saw from one side to the + other, and that I could never get to the heart of the thing, I thought it + best to give it all up, and give my mind to something else.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Churton remained silent for some time, her eyes cast down. She was + thinking of her daughter, wondering if her state of mind resembled that of + this man. But no; that careless temper in the presence of great questions + and great mysteries would be impossible to one of her restless intellect. + She had chosen her side, and although she refused to speak she doubtless + cherished an active animosity against religion. + </p> + <p> + “It grieves me to find you in this negative state,” she returned, “and I + can only hope and pray that you will not always continue in it. You do not + deny the truth of Christianity, you say; but tell me, putting aside all + that men say for and against our holy faith, and the arguments that have + pulled you this way and that, is there not something in your own soul that + tells you that you are not here by chance, that there is an Unseen Power + that gave us life, and that it is good for us, even here in this short + existence, if we do that which is pleasing to Him?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I feel that. It is the only guide I have, and I try my best to + follow it. But whether the Unseen Power sees us and reads all our thoughts + as Christians think, or only set things going, so to speak, is more than I + am able to say. I think we are free to do good or evil; and if there is a + future life—and I hope there is—I don't think that anyone will + be made miserable in it because he didn't know things better than he could + know them. That's the whole of my religion, Mrs. Churton, and I don't + think it a bad one, on the whole—for myself I mean; for I don't go + about preaching it, and I don't ask others to think as I do.” + </p> + <p> + With a sigh she resigned the contest; and after a few more words bade him + good-bye, and went out with the carpenter's wife into the garden. + </p> + <p> + Fan remained standing where she had risen, some colour in her cheeks, a + smile of contentment playing about her lips. + </p> + <p> + “Good-bye, Mr. Cawood,” she said; and after a moment's hesitation held out + her hand to him. + </p> + <p> + He looked a little surprised. “My hand is not over-clean, miss, as you + see,” opening it with a comical look of regret on his face. “I've just + come in from work and haven't washed yet.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, it's clean enough,” she said with a slight laugh, putting her small + white hand into his dusty palm. + </p> + <p> + On her way home Mrs. Churton talked a good deal to her companion. She went + over her discussion with the carpenter, repeating her own arguments with + much amplification; then passing to his, she pointed out their weakness, + and explained how that neutral state of mind is unworthy of a rational + being, and dangerous as well, since death might come unexpectedly and give + no time for repentance. + </p> + <p> + Fan listened, readily assenting to everything; but in her heart she felt + like a bird newly escaped from captivity. That restful state she had been + hearing about, in which there was no perpetual distrust of self, + vigilance, heart-searching, wrestling in prayer, looked infinitely + attractive, and suited her disposition and humble intellect. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXI + </h2> + <p> + A fortnight later, one hot afternoon, Fan was reading beside the open + window of the dining-room. After dinner Mrs. Churton had given her <i>The + Pleasures of Hope</i>, in a slim old octavo volume, to read, and for the + last hour she had been poring over it. Greatly did she admire it, it was + so fine, so grand; but all that thunderous roll of rhetoric—the + whiskered Pandoors and the fierce Hussars, and Freedom's shriek when + Kosciusko fell, and flights of bickering comets through illimitable space—a + kind of celestial fireworks on a stupendous scale—and all the realms + of ether wrapped in flames—all this had produced a slight headache, + a confusion or giddiness, like that which is experienced by a person + looking down over a precipice, or when carried too high in a swing. + </p> + <p> + Constance came down from her room with her hat on and a book in her hand. + </p> + <p> + “Are you going for a walk, Constance?” asked her mother, who was also + sitting by the open window. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, only to the woods, where I can sit and read in the shade.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Churton glanced suspiciously at the book in her daughter's hand—a + thick volume bound in dark-green cloth. There was nothing in its + appearance to alarm anyone, but she did not like these thick green-bound + books that were never by any chance found lying about for one to see what + was in them. However, she only answered: + </p> + <p> + “Then I wish you would persuade Fan to go with you. She is looking pale, + it strikes me.” + </p> + <p> + “I shall be glad if Fan will go,” she answered, a slight accent of + surprise in her tone. + </p> + <p> + Fan ran up to get her hat and sunshade, and when she returned to them her + pallor and headache had well-nigh vanished at the prospect of an afternoon + spent in the shady woodland paradise. Mrs. Churton, with a prayer in her + heart, watched them going away together—two lovely girls; it made + her anxious when her eyes rested on the portly green volume her daughter + carried, but it struck her as a good augury when she noticed that the + younger girl in her white dress had <i>The Pleasures of Hope</i> in her + hand. + </p> + <p> + For now a new thought, a hope that was very beautiful, had come into Mrs. + Churton's heart. All her life long she had had the delusion that + “spiritual pride” was her besetting sin; and against this imaginary enemy + she was perpetually fighting. And yet if some shining being had come down + to tell her that her prayers for others had been heard, that all the + worthless and vicious people she wished to carry to heaven with her would + be saved, and all of them, even the meanest, set above her in that place + where the first is last and the last first, joy at such tidings would have + slain her. She had as little spiritual pride as a ladybird or an ant. Now + the new thought had come into her mind that her daughter would be saved; + not in her way, nor by her means, but in a way that would at the same time + be a rebuke to her spiritual pride, her impatience and bitterness of + spirit, and zeal not according to knowledge. Not she, but this young girl, + herself so ignorant of spiritual things a short time ago, would be the + chosen instrument. She remembered how the girl had taken to her from the + first, but had not taken to her daughter; how in spite of this distance + between them, and of her infidelity, her daughter had continued to love + the girl—to Mrs. Churton it was plain that she loved her—and + to hunger for her love in return. It was all providential and ordered by + One + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Who moves in a mysterious way + His wonders to perform. +</pre> + <p> + “Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings hast Thou ordained strength,” + she murmured, praising God who had put this gladness in her heart, the + Christian's and the mother's love filling her eyes with tears. Up till now + it had been her secret aim to keep the girls as much apart as possible out + of school hours; now it seemed best to let them come together; and on this + August afternoon, as we have seen, she went so far as to encourage a + greater intimacy between them. Poor woman! + </p> + <p> + After they had entered the wood Fan began straying at short intervals from + the path to gather flowers and grasses, or to look more closely at a + butterfly at rest and sunning its open brightly-patterned wings. + </p> + <p> + “I think I shall sit down on the grass here to read,” said Constance at + length. “You can ramble about and gather flowers if you like, and you'll + know where to find me.” + </p> + <p> + They had now reached a spot to which Constance was in the habit of + resorting almost daily, where the ground was free from underwood, and + thickly carpeted with grass not yet wholly dry, and where an oak-tree + shaded a wide space with its low horizontal branches. + </p> + <p> + Fan thanked her, and dropping her book rambled off by herself, happy in + her flower-hunting, and forgetting all about the magnificent things she + had been reading. Two or three times she returned to the spot where + Constance sat reading, with her hands full of flowers and grasses, and + after depositing them on the turf went away to gather more. Finally she + sat down on the grass, took off her hat and gloves, and set to work + arranging her spoils. This took her a long time, and after making them up + two or three times in various ways she still seemed dissatisfied. At + length she tried a fresh plan, and discarding all the red, yellow, and + purple flowers, she made a loose bunch of the blue and white only, using + only those fine open grass-spears with hair-like stems and minute flowers + that look like mist on the grass. The effect this time was very pretty, + and when she had finished her work she sat for some time admiring it, her + head a little on one side and holding the bunch well away from her. She + did not know how beautiful she herself looked at that moment, how the blue + and white flowers and misty grasses had lent, as it were, a new grace to + her form and countenance—a flower-like expression that was sweet to + see. Looking up all at once she encountered her companion's eyes fixed + earnestly on her face. It was so unexpected that it confused her a little, + and she reddened and dropped her eyes. + </p> + <p> + “Forgive me, Fan, for watching your face,” said Constance. “When I looked + at you I wondered whether it would not be best to tell you what I was + thinking of—something about you.” + </p> + <p> + “About me? Will you tell me, Miss Churton?” returned Fan, a + half-suppressed eagerness in her voice, as if this approach to confidence + had fluttered her heart with pleasure. + </p> + <p> + “But if I tell you what was in my mind, Fan, I should have to finish by + asking you a question; and perhaps you would not like to be asked.” + </p> + <p> + “I think I can answer any question, Miss Churton, unless it is about—how + we lived at home before Miss Starbrow took me to live with her. She wishes + me not to speak of that, but to forget it.” + </p> + <p> + Constance listened with softening eyes, wondering what that sorrowful past + had been, which had left no trace on the sweet young face. + </p> + <p> + “I know that, Fan,” she replied, “and should be very sorry to question you + about such matters. It saddens me to think that your childhood was + unhappy, and if I could help you to forget that period of your life I + would gladly do so. The question I should have to ask would be about + something recent. Can you not guess what it is?” + </p> + <p> + “No, Miss Churton—at least I don't think I can. Will you not tell + me?” + </p> + <p> + “You know that my life here is not a happy one.” + </p> + <p> + “Is it not? I am so sorry.” + </p> + <p> + “When I first saw you I imagined that it would be different, that your + coming would make me much better off. I had been wondering so much what + you were like, knowing that we should be so much together. When I at + length saw you it was with a shock of pleasure, for I saw more than I had + dared to hope. A first impression is almost infallible, I think, and to + this day I have never for a single moment doubted that the impression I + received was a right one. But I was greatly mistaken when I imagined that + in your friendship I should find compensation for the coldness of others; + for very soon you put a distance between us, as you know, and it has + lasted until now. That is what was passing through my mind a little while + ago when I watched your face; and now, Fan, can you tell me why you took a + dislike to me?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Miss Churton, I have never disliked you! I like you very, very much—I + cannot say how much!” But even while this assurance sprang spontaneously + from her lips, she remembered Mary's warning words, and her heart was + secretly troubled, for that old danger which she had ceased to fear had + now unexpectedly returned. + </p> + <p> + “Do you really like me so much, Fan?” said Constance, taking the girl's + hand and holding it against her cheek. “I have thought as much sometimes—I + have almost been sure of it. But you fear me for some reason; you are shy + and reticent when with me, and out of lesson-time you avoid my company. + You imagine that it would be wrong to love me, or that if you cannot help + liking me you must hide the feeling in your heart.” + </p> + <p> + It startled Fan to find that her companion was so well able to read her + thoughts, but she assented unhesitatingly to what the other had said. This + approach to confidence began to seem strangely sweet to her, all the + sweeter perhaps because so perilous; and that contact of her hand with the + other's soft warm cheek gave her an exquisite pleasure. + </p> + <p> + “And will you not tell me why you fear me?” asked Constance again. + </p> + <p> + “I should like you to know so much ... but perhaps it would not be right + for me to say it ... I wish I knew—I wish I knew.” + </p> + <p> + “I know, Fan—I am perfectly sure that I know, and will save you the + trouble and pain of telling it. Shall I tell you? and then perhaps I shall + be able to convince you that you have no reason to be afraid of me.” + </p> + <p> + “I wish you would,” eagerly returned Fan. + </p> + <p> + “My mother has prejudiced you against me, Fan. She imagines that if we + were intimate and friendly together my influence would be injurious, that + it would destroy the effect of the religious instruction she gives.” + </p> + <p> + “I do not understand you,” said Fan, looking unmistakably puzzled. + </p> + <p> + “No? And yet I thought it so plain. My mother has told you that I am not + religious—in <i>her</i> way, that is—that I am not a + Christian. She does not know really; I do not go about telling people what + I believe or disbelieve, and prefer to say nothing about religion for fear + of hurting any person's feelings. But that is not her way, and through + what she has said at the vicarage, and elsewhere about me I am now looked + upon as one to be avoided. I see you are reading <i>The Pleasures of Hope</i>. + Let me have it. Do you see this passage with pencil-marks against it, and + all the words underscored? + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Ah me! the laurel wreath that Murder rears, + Blood-nursed, and watered by the widow's tears, + Seems not so foul, so tainted, and so dread, + As waves the nightshade round the sceptic head. +</pre> + <p> + “These words were marked for my benefit—this is what she thinks of + me—her own daughter—because I cannot agree with her in + everything she believes!” And here she flung the volume disdainfully on + the grass. “When I agreed to be your teacher I never imagined that such + things would have been put into your head. Her anxiety about your + spiritual welfare made it seem right in her eyes to do so, I suppose. But + I should not have harmed you, my dear girl, or interfered with your + religion in any way; she might have given me that much credit. When she + knew how lonely my life was, and how much your affection would have been + to me, it was unkind of her to set you also against me from the first.” + </p> + <p> + All this came as a complete surprise on her listener, who now for the + first time began to understand the reason of the estrangement of mother + and daughter. But Constance was allowed to finish her speech without + interruption. She said more than she had meant to say, but her feelings + had carried her away, and when she finished it was with a half-suppressed + sob. + </p> + <p> + “Dear Miss Churton, I am so sorry you are unhappy,” said Fan at length, + taking her hand. “I did not know you were not a Christian, nor why it was + that you and Mrs. Churton were always so cold to each other. But it would + have made no difference if I had known, because—I am not religious.” + </p> + <p> + Constance looked at her. + </p> + <p> + “What do you mean by that, Fan?” she said. “It is my turn now, it seems, + to say that I do not understand you.” + </p> + <p> + The other hesitated; then she remembered the carpenter's words, and began + a little doubtfully: + </p> + <p> + “I mean that I do not think that going to church and—reading the + Bible, and praying, and all that, make any difference. I think we can be + good without that—don't you, Miss Churton? I wish I could tell you + better—it seems so hard to say it. But Mrs. Churton never said + anything to me about you—in that way—I mean about your + religion.” + </p> + <p> + Constance listened to all this with the greatest surprise. That this very + simple-minded girl, impressible as soft wax as it seemed to her, should + think independently about such a subject as religion, and that she should + hold views so opposed to those which Mrs. Churton had for several months + been diligently instilling into her mind, seemed almost incredible. The + second statement was nearly as surprising, so sure had she been that her + suspicions were well-founded. “Then I have been very unjust to my mother + in this instance,” she said, “and am very sorry I spoke so warmly about + older things which should be forgotten.” After an interval of silence she + continued, withdrawing her hand from the other, “I can make no further + guess, Fan; and if you have any secret reason for keeping apart from me + you must forgive me for speaking to you and trying to win your + confidence.” + </p> + <p> + Fan was more distressed than ever now, and the tears started to her eyes + as she felt that the distance was once more widening between them, and + that it all depended on herself whether she was to drink from this sweet + cup or set it down again scarcely tasted. + </p> + <p> + “I must tell you, Miss Churton,” she said at length; and then, not without + much hesitation and difficulty, she explained Miss Starbrow's views with + regard to the impossibility of a woman, or of a girl like her, loving more + than one person, or having more than one friend. + </p> + <p> + Constance gave a laugh, which, however, she quickly checked. + </p> + <p> + “Dear Fan,” she said, “does not your own heart tell you that it is all a + mistake? And if you feel that you do love me, do you not know from your + own experience, whether you hide the feeling or not, that your love for + others, and chiefly for so dear a friend as Miss Starbrow, remains just as + strong as before?” + </p> + <p> + Fan gladly answered in the affirmative. + </p> + <p> + “We are all liable to strange errors about different things, and Miss + Starbrow is certainly in error about this. Besides, my dear girl, we can't + always love or not love as we like; the feeling comes to us spontaneously, + like the wind that blows where it listeth. Be sure that we are not such + poor creatures that we cannot love more than one person at a time. But + Miss Starbrow is not singular in her opinion—if it is her opinion. I + have heard men say that although a man's large heart can harbour many + friendships, a woman is incapable of having more than one friendship at + any time. That is a man's opinion, and therefore it is not strange that it + should be a wrong one, since only a woman can know the things of a woman. + How strange that Miss Starbrow should have so mean an opinion of her own + sex!” + </p> + <p> + Fan then remembered something which she imagined might throw some light on + this dark subject. “I know,” she said, “that she always prefers men to + women for friends. I have heard her say that she hates women.” + </p> + <p> + Constance laughed again. + </p> + <p> + “She does not hate herself—that is impossible; and that she did not + hate you, Fan, is very evident. Don't you think that, intimate as you were + with Miss Starbrow, you did not always quite understand her way of + speaking, that you took her words too literally? You know now that she did + not really mean it when she spoke of hating women, and perhaps she did not + really mean what she said about your being unable to love more than one + person.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes; I think you are right. I know that she does not always mean what she + says. I am sure you are right.” + </p> + <p> + “And will you be my friend then, and love me a little?” + </p> + <p> + “You know that I love you dearly, and it makes me so happy to think that + we are friends. But tell me, dear Miss Churton—” + </p> + <p> + “If we are really friends now you must call me Constance.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I shall like that best. Dear Constance, do you think when I write to + Mary that I must tell her all we have talked about?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said the other, after a moment's reflection. “It is not necessary, + and would not be fair to me, as we have been speaking about her. But you + must be just as open about everything, as I suppose it is your nature to + be, and conceal nothing about your feelings towards others. I do not think + for a moment that you will offend her by being good friends with your + teacher.” + </p> + <p> + That assurance and advice removed the last shadow of anxiety from Fan's + mind, and after some more conversation they returned home, both feeling + very much happier than when they had started for this eventful walk. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII + </h2> + <p> + Mrs. Churton was quickly made aware of the now in one sense improved + relations between the girls when they returned from their walk; and with + that new hope in her heart she was not displeased to see it, although its + suddenness startled her a little. She did not know until the following + morning how great the change was. She was an early riser, and hearing + voices and laughter in the garden while dressing, she looked out of the + window, and saw the girls walking in the path, Constance with an open book + in her hand, while Fan at her side had an arm affectionately thrown over + her teacher's shoulder. It was a pretty sight, but it troubled her; she + had not expected so close a friendship as that, which had made them rise + so long before their usual time for the pleasure of being together. If, + after all, a vain hope had deluded her, then there might be an exceedingly + sad end to her experiment. With deep anxiety and returning jealousy she + reflected that the simple-minded affectionate girl might prove as wax in + the hands of her clever godless daughter. But it was too soon to intervene + and try to undo her own work. She would watch and wait, and hope still + that the infinite beauty and preciousness of a childlike faith would touch + the stony heart that nothing had touched, and win back the wandering feet + to the ways of pleasantness. + </p> + <p> + From her watching nothing much resulted for some days, although she soon + began to suspect that Fan now wore a look of patience, almost of + weariness, whenever she was spoken to on religious subjects, that it + seemed a relief to her when the lesson was finished, and she could go back + to Constance. They were constantly together now, in and out of doors, and + the woods had become their daily haunt. And one day they met with an + adventure. Arriving about three o'clock at their favourite tree, they saw + a young man in a dark blue cycling costume lying on the grass with his + hands clasped behind his head, and gazing up into the leafy depths above + him. At the same moment he saw them, standing and hesitating which way to + turn; and in a moment he sprang to his feet. He was a handsome young + fellow, a little below the medium height, clean shaved, with black hair + and very dark blue eyes, which looked black; his features were very fine, + and his skin, although healthy-looking, colourless. + </p> + <p> + “I perceive that I am an intruder here,” he said with a smile, and with an + admiring glance at Miss Churton's face. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no,” she returned, with heightened colour. “This wood is free to all; + we can soon find another spot for ourselves.” + </p> + <p> + “But it is evident that you were coming to sit here,” he said, still + smiling. “I suppose you have done so on former occasions, so that you have + acquired a kind of prescriptive right to this place. I am putting it on + very low grounds, you see,” he added with a slight laugh, and raising his + cap was about to turn away; but just at that moment he glanced at Fan, who + had been standing a little further away, watching his face with very great + interest. He started, looked greatly surprised, then quickly recovering + his easy self-possessed manner, advanced and held out his hand to her. + “How do you do?” he said. “How strange to meet you here! You have not + forgotten me, I hope?” + </p> + <p> + Fan had taken his hand. “Oh, no, Mr. Chance,” she returned, blushing a + little, “I remember you very well.” + </p> + <p> + “I'm very glad you do. But I am ashamed to have to confess that though I + remember your Christian name very well I can't recall your surname. I only + remember that it is an uncommon one.” + </p> + <p> + “My name is Affleck. But you only saw me once, and it is not strange you + should have forgotten it.” + </p> + <p> + It was true that she had only seen him once; for in spite of the brave + words he had spoken to Miss Starbrow after she had rejected his offer of + marriage, he had never returned to her house. But Fan had heard first and + last a great deal about him, and Mary had even told her the story of that + early morning declaration, not without some scornful laughter. + Nevertheless at this distance from town it seemed very pleasant to see him + once more. It was like meeting an old acquaintance, and vividly brought + back her life in Dawson Place with Mary. + </p> + <p> + For some minutes he stood talking to her, asking after Miss Starbrow and + herself, and saying that since he left Bayswater he had greatly missed + those delightful evenings; but while he talked to Fan he glanced + frequently at the beautiful face of her companion. Once or twice their + eyes met, and Mr. Chance, judging from what he saw that he had made a + somewhat favourable impression, in his easy way, and with a little + apology, asked Fan to introduce him. This little ceremony over, they all + sat down on the grass and spent an hour very agreeably in conversation. He + told them that he was spending a month's holiday in a bicycle ramble + through the south-west of England, and had turned aside to see the village + of Eyethorne and its woods, which he had heard were worth a visit. From + local scenery the conversation passed by an easy transition to artistic + and literary subjects; in a very short time Fan ceased to take any part in + it, and was satisfied to listen to this new kind of duet in which harmony + of mind was substituted for that of melodious sound. With a pleased + wonder, which was almost like a sense of mystery, she followed them in + this rapid interchange of thoughts about things so remote from every-day + life. They mentioned a hundred names unknown to her—of those who had + lived in ancient times and had written poems in many languages, and of + artists whose works they had never seen and could yet describe; and in all + these far-off things they seemed as deeply interested as Mrs. Churton was + in her religion, her parish work, and her housekeeping. How curious it was + to note their familiarity with an endless variety of subjects, so that one + could not say anything without a look of quick intelligence and ready + sympathy from the other! How well they seemed to know each other's minds! + They were talking familiarly as if they had been acquainted all their + lives! + </p> + <p> + To Constance the pleasure was more real and far greater; for not only had + her unfortunate opinions concerning matters of faith separated her from + her few educated neighbours, but in that rustic and sleepy-minded spot + there were none among them, excepting the curate, who took any interest in + literary and philosophical questions. Her friends were not the people she + knew, but the authors whose works she purchased with shillings saved out + of the small quarterly allowance her mother made her for dress. These were + the people she really knew and loved, and their thoughts were of + infinitely deeper import to her than the sayings and doings of the men and + women of her little world. In such circumstances, how pleasant it was to + meet with this young stranger, engaging in his manner and attractive in + appearance, and to converse freely with him on the subjects that + constantly occupied her thoughts. There was a glow of happy excitement on + her face, her eyes shone, she laughed in a free glad way, as Fan had never + heard her laugh before; she was surprised at the extent of her own + knowledge—at that miracle of memory, when many fine thoughts, long + forgotten, and multitudes of strange facts, and glowing passages in verse + and prose, came back uncalled to her mind; and above all she was surprised + at a ready eloquence which she had never suspected herself capable of. + </p> + <p> + Merton Chance had often conversed with clever and beautiful women, but + this country girl surprised him with the extent of her reading, her + vivacity and wit, and quick sympathy; and the more they talked the more he + admired her. + </p> + <p> + Then insensibly their conversation took a graver tone, and they passed to + other themes, which, to Constance at least, had a deeper and more enduring + interest. In all philosophical questions she could follow and even go + beyond him, although she didn't know it, and very soon they made the + discovery that towards the faith still professed by a large majority of + their fellow-beings their attitude was the same. Or so it appeared to + Constance. Christianity was one of the forms in which the universal + religious sentiment had found expression for a period among a large + portion of the human race. They were not agnostics, so they both declared, + and yet were contented to be called so by others, not yet having invented + a word better than this one of the materialistic Professor Huxley to + describe themselves by. They had moved onwards and had left the creed of + the Christian behind them, yet were confident that the vast unbounded + prospect before them would not always rest obscured with clouds. But what + the new thing was to be they knew not. Time would reveal it. They were not + left without something to cheer them—gleams of a spiritual light + which, although dim and transient, yet foretold the perfect day. Like so + many others among the choice spirits of the earth, they turned their eyes + this way and that, considering now the hard and pitiless facts of biology + and physics, now the new systems of philosophy, that come like shadows and + so depart, and now the vague thoughts, or thoughts vaguely expressed, of + those the careless world calls mystics and wild-minded visionaries; and + after it all they were fain to confess that the waters have not yet + abated; and that although for them there could be no return to the ark, + they were still without any rest for the soles of their feet. + </p> + <p> + If, instead of that young ignorant girl, their listener had been a + grey-haired disillusioned man, he would have shaken his head, and perhaps + remarked that they were a couple of foolish dreamers, that the light which + inspired such splendid hopes was a light from the past—a dying + twilight left in their souls by that sun of faith which for them had set. + But there was nothing to disturb their pleasing self-complacency—no + mocking skeleton to spoil their rare intellectual feast. + </p> + <p> + Merton was not yet satisfied, he wished to go more fully into these great + subjects, and pressed her with more and more searching questions. + Constance, on her side, grew more reticent, and seemed troubled in her + mind, glancing occasionally into his face; and at length, dropping her + hand on Fan's, who still listened but without understanding, she said that + for reasons which could not be stated, which he would be able to guess, + further discussion had better be deferred. + </p> + <p> + He assented with a smile, and returning her look with quick intelligence. + The talk drifted into other channels, and at length they all rose to their + feet, but he did not go at once. He began to ask Fan about her botanical + studies, one of the subjects which Constance had taught her. He had, he + said, studied botany at school and was very fond of it. Presently he + became much interested in a plant, a creeper, hanging from a low shrub + about twenty-five or thirty yards from where they were standing, and Fan + at once started off to get a spray for him to see. + </p> + <p> + “I am very glad, Miss Churton, that our discussion is only to be <i>deferred,”</i> + he said. “It has interested me more deeply than you can imagine, and for + various reasons I should be glad to go further with it.” + </p> + <p> + She did not reply, although looking pleased at his words, and then he + continued: + </p> + <p> + “I cannot bear to think of leaving this place without seeing you again. I + wished for one thing—please don't think me very egotistical for + saying it—to tell you about some little papers I am writing, and one + or two of which have been printed in a periodical. I think the subject + would interest you. Will you think me very bold, Miss Churton, if I ask + you to let me call on you at your home?” + </p> + <p> + His request troubled her, and after a little hesitation she answered: + </p> + <p> + “I shall be perfectly frank with you, Mr. Chance, and perhaps if I tell + you why I can scarcely do what you ask you will not think hardly of me. I + cannot open my lips at home on the subject we have been discussing, and I + am looked on coldly here, in my own village, on account of my heterodox + opinions. My mother would receive you well, but she would think it wrong + in me to invite a sympathiser to the house.” + </p> + <p> + “Then, Miss Churton, how lonely your life must be!” + </p> + <p> + “You must not think more about me, Mr. Chance.” + </p> + <p> + “You are asking too much,” he answered smiling, and the words brought a + blush to her cheek. “But I cannot bear to go away from Eyethorne without + seeing you once more. May I hope to meet you tomorrow in this place?” + </p> + <p> + “I cannot promise that. But if—no, I cannot say more now.” + </p> + <p> + Fan was back with a spray of the plant, but he had somehow lost all + interest in it. That about his botany had all been pure fiction; but it + had served its purpose, and now, he regretfully remarked, his plant-lore, + he found, had completely faded from his mind. And after a little further + conversation he shook hands and left them. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIII + </h2> + <p> + On their way home the conversation of the girls turned chiefly on their + encounter with Mr. Chance. Constance displayed an unusual amount of + feminine curiosity, and asked a great many questions about him. Fan had + nothing to tell, for she dared not tell what she knew. It was a + peculiarity of her character, that if she knew anything to a person's + disadvantage she was anxious to conceal it, as if it had been something + reflecting on herself; apart from this, she felt that Miss Starbrow's + description of Mr. Chance would not be what Miss Churton wished to hear. + For it was plain that Constance had been favourably impressed, and had + taken Merton at his own valuation, which was a high one. While she kept + silence it troubled her to think that one who had been despised and + ridiculed by Mary should be highly esteemed by Constance, since she now + loved (or worshipped) them both in an equal degree. + </p> + <p> + At the gate it all at once occurred to her to ask whether she should tell + Mrs. Churton about meeting Mr. Chance in the wood or not. + </p> + <p> + “You may tell her if you like,” said the other after a little hesitation. + “He is a friend of Miss Starbrow's; it was only natural that we should + talk with him.” Then she added, “I shall say nothing about it, simply + because mother and I never talk about anything. You needn't mention it + unless you care to, Fan. I really don't believe that mother would feel any + interest in the subject.” + </p> + <p> + She reddened a little after speaking, knowing that she had been slightly + disingenuous. Fan understood from her face more than from her words what + she really wished. + </p> + <p> + “Then I shall not say anything, unless Mrs. Churton asks me about our + walk, and if we met anyone,” she returned. + </p> + <p> + But nothing was asked and nothing told. + </p> + <p> + At dinner next day Constance heard that Fan was going out with Mrs. + Churton to visit a neighbour. A bright look came into her expressive face, + followed by a swift blush, but she said nothing, and after dinner went + back to her room. As soon as the others had left the house she began to + dress for a walk, paying a great deal more attention to herself at the + glass than she was accustomed to do. Her luxuriant brown hair was brushed + out and rearranged, her artful fingers allowing three or four small locks + to escape and lie unconfined on her forehead and temples. She studied her + face very closely, thinking a great deal about that peculiar shade of + colour which she saw there. But her own face was so familiar to her, how + could she tell what another would think of it, and whether to city eyes + that brown tint would not make it look less like the face of a Rosalind + than of an Audrey? With her dress she was altogether dissatisfied, and + there was nothing to give a touch of beauty to it but a poor flower—a + half-open rose—which she pinned on her bosom. Then she envied Fan + her beautiful watch and chain, the half-score of rings, bangles, and + brooches which Miss Starbrow had given her; and this reminded her of an + ornament she possessed, an old-fashioned gold brooch with an amethyst in + it, and which in the pride of philosophy she had looked on with a good + deal of contempt. Now the rose was flung away, and the despised jewel put + in its place. Taking her book and sunshade she finally left the house, and + turned her steps towards the wood. Scarcely had she left the gate behind + before a tumult of doubts and fears began to assail her. She was hurrying + away alone to the wood, glad to be alone, solely to meet Mr. Chance. Would + he not at once divine the reason of her strange readiness to obey his + wishes? Could she in her present agitated state, with her cheek full of + hot blushes, and her heart throbbing so that it almost choked her, hide + her secret from him? This thought frightened her and she slackened her + pace, and argued that it would be better not to go to the wood, not to run + the risk of such a self-betrayal and humiliation. But perhaps he would not + come after all to meet her, for no appointment had been made, and no + promise of any kind given—why should she be so anxious in her mind + about it? It gave her a pang to think that the meeting and conversation + which had been so important an event in her life were perhaps very little + to him, that they were perhaps fading out of his mind already, and would + soon be, like his botanical knowledge, altogether forgotten. Perhaps he + was even now on the road speeding away far from Eyethorne on his bicycle. + Then the fear that she might betray her secret was overmastered by this + new fear that she would never see him again, that he had gone out of her + life for ever; and she quickened her slow steps once more, and at last + gaining the wood, and coming to the spot where she had parted from him, + and not finding him there, her excitement left her, and she sat down with + a pang of bitter disappointment in her heart. + </p> + <p> + But before many minutes had gone by she heard approaching footsteps, and + looking up saw him coming towards her. The tell-tale blood rushed again to + her cheeks and her heart throbbed wildly, but she bent her eyes resolutely + on her book and pretended not to see his approach. Poor girl, so innocent + of wiles! she did not know, she could not guess, that he had been for + upwards of an hour on the spot waiting for her, his heart also agitated + with hopes and fears. He had watched her coming with glad triumphant + feelings, and then, prudent and artful even in his moment of triumph, had + concealed himself from her to come on to the scene after allowing her a + little time to taste her disappointment. + </p> + <p> + He was already standing before her and speaking, and then in a moment the + outward calm which she had been vainly striving to observe came + unexpectedly to her aid. She shook hands with him and explained why she + was alone, and then, surprised at her own new courage, she added: + </p> + <p> + “I am glad that we have met again, Mr. Chance; I came here hoping to meet + you; our conversation yesterday gave me so much pleasure, and I wished so + much to hear about your literary work. After to-day I do not suppose that + we shall ever meet again.” + </p> + <p> + “I sincerely hope we shall!” he returned, sitting down near her. “It is + really painful to think that you should be immured in this uncongenial + place with your tastes and—advantages.” + </p> + <p> + “Please do not pity my condition, Mr. Chance. I can endure it very well + for a time, I hope; it is not my intention to stay here always, nor very + much longer, and just now I am not altogether alone, as I have Fan to + teach and for a companion.” + </p> + <p> + “She is a very charming girl,” he returned; “and I must tell you that she + has improved marvellously since I last saw her. Miss Starbrow has, I + think, been singularly fortunate in having put her into your hands.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you,” said Constance, with a quick glance at his face. Then she + added, “I suppose you know Miss Starbrow very well?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” he returned with a slight smile, and she was curious to know why he + smiled in that meaning way, but feared to ask. “But she is your friend, I + suppose, and you know her as well as I do,” he added after a while. + </p> + <p> + “Oh no, she is a perfect stranger to me. We only saw her once for a few + minutes when she brought Fan down to us last May.” + </p> + <p> + “How strange! But I should have thought that Miss Affleck would have told + you everything about her before now.” + </p> + <p> + “No; I never question Fan about her London life, and when left to herself + she is a very reticent girl.” + </p> + <p> + “Really!” said he, not ill-pleased at this information. “But, Miss + Churton, how very natural that you should wish to know something about + this lady!” + </p> + <p> + She smiled without replying, but no reply was needed. He had been studying + her face, and knew that she was curious to hear what he had to say, and + this interest in Miss Starbrow, he thought, was a very new feeling, and + rose entirely out of her interest in himself. + </p> + <p> + He told her a great deal about the lady, without altogether omitting her + little eccentricities, as he leniently called them, and her little faults + of temper; he paid a tribute to her generous, hospitable character, only + she was, he thought, just a little too hospitable, judging from the + curious specimens one met at her Wednesday evening gatherings. But he was + very good-natured, and touched lightly on the disagreeable features in the + picture, or else kindly toned them down with a few skilful touches, + producing the impression on his listener that he did not dislike Miss + Starbrow, but regarded her with a kind of amused curiosity. And that, in + fact, was precisely the impression he had wished to make, and he was well + pleased with himself when he saw how well he had succeeded. + </p> + <p> + Afterwards they spoke of other things, and soon came to those literary + topics in which Miss Churton took so keen an interest. They talked long + and earnestly, and Merton Chance neglected no opportunity of saying pretty + things with a subtle flattery in them at which the other was far from + being displeased. + </p> + <p> + “You draw your mental nutriment from a distance,” he said. “Being without + sympathy from those around you, you are like a person in a diving-bell, + shut in on all sides by a medium through which a current of + life-preserving oxygen comes, but dark and cold and infinitely repelling + to the spirit.” + </p> + <p> + It was true, and very pleasant to meet with appreciation. And finally, + before he left her, he had promised to send, and she had promised to + accept gratefully, some magazines containing contributions from his pen, + also some books which he wished her to read. But he did not say anything + about writing, he did not wish to show himself too eager to continue the + acquaintance which chance had brought about: in his own mind, however, it + was already settled that there was to be a correspondence. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV + </h2> + <p> + After Merton's departure from Eyethorne things drifted back to their old + state at Wood End House, the slight change in Constance becoming less and + less perceptible, until the time came when Fan began to think, with a + secret feeling of relief, that the visitor had after all made only a + passing impression, which was already fading out of her teacher's mind. + But by-and-by there came from London a letter and a packet of books and + periodicals for Constance, and Fan remarked the glad excitement in her + friend's face when she carried her treasures away to her room, and her + subsequent silence on the subject. And after that Constance was again much + occupied with her own thoughts, which, to judge from her countenance, were + happy ones; and Fan quickly came to the conclusion that the books and + letter were from Merton. Mrs. Churton, who knew nothing about this new + acquaintance, imagined only that her daughter had sucked out all the + impiety contained in the books she already possessed, and had sent for a + fresh supply. For, she argued, if there had been nothing wrong in the + books Constance would have allowed her to read or see them. She made + herself very unhappy over it, and was more incensed than ever against her + sinful daughter, but she said nothing, and only showed her dissatisfaction + in her cold, distrustful manner. + </p> + <p> + Another bitterness in her cup at this period was her inability to revive + Fan's interest in sacred things, for she had begun to notice an increasing + indifference in the girl. All the religious teaching, over which she had + spent so much time and labour, seemed to have failed of its effect. She + had planted, apparently in the most promising soil, and the vicar and the + vicar's wife had watered, and God had not given the increase. This was a + new mystery which she could not understand, in spite of much pondering + over it, much praying for light, and many conversations on the subject + with her religious friends. So sweet and good and pure-hearted and pliant + a girl; but alas! alas! it was only that ephemeral fictitious kind of + goodness which springs from temper or disposition, which has no value in + the eyes of Heaven, cannot stand the shocks of time and circumstance. It + was not through any remissness of her own; she had never ceased her + efforts, yet now after many months she was fain to confess that this young + girl, who had promised such great things, seemed further than at the + beginning from that holiness which is not of the earth, and which delights + only in the contemplation of heavenly things. She could see it now with + what painful clearness! for her eyes in such matters were preternaturally + sharp, like those of a sailor who has followed the sea all his life with + regard to atmospheric changes; no sooner would the lesson begin than all + brightness would fade from that too expressive countenance, and the girl + would listen with manifest effort, striving to keep her attention from + wandering, striving to understand and to respond; but there was no + response from the heart, and in spite of striving her thoughts, her soul, + were elsewhere, and her eyes wore a distant wistful look. And Mrs. Churton + was hot-tempered; in all the years of her self-discipline she had never + been able to wring from her heart that one drop of black blood; and + sometimes when she talked to Fan, and read and prayed with her, and + noticed that impassive look coming over her face to quench its brightness + like a cloud, her old enemy would get the best of her, and she would start + up and hurriedly leave the room without a word, lest it should betray her + into passionate expression. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I have also noticed this in Miss Affleck,” the vicar said to her one + day when she had been speaking to him on the subject. “She seemed at one + time so docile, so teachable, so easy to be won, and now it is impossible + not to see that there is something at work neutralising all our efforts + and making her impervious to instruction. But, my dear Mrs. Churton, we <i>know</i> + the reason of this; Miss Affleck is too young, too ignorant and + impressible not to fall completely under the influence of your daughter.” + </p> + <p> + “But my daughter has promised me and has given me her word of honour that + nothing has been said or will be said or done to alienate her pupil's mind + from religious subjects. And we know, Mr. Long, that even those who are + without God may still be trusted to speak the truth—that they have + that natural morality written on their hearts of which St. Paul speaks.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, that's all very well, and I don't say for a moment that your + daughter has deliberately set herself to undo your work and win her pupil + to her own pernicious views. But is it possible for her, even if she + wished it, to conceal them altogether from one who is not only her pupil + but her intimate friend and constant companion? Her whole life—thoughts, + acts, words, and even looks—must be leavened with the evil leaven; + how can Miss Affleck live with her in that intimate way without catching + some of that spirit from her? You know that so long as they were not thus + intimate this girl was everything that could be desired, that from the + time they became close friends she began to change, and that religion is + now becoming as distasteful to her as it is to her teacher.” + </p> + <p> + Poor woman! she had gone for comfort and counsel to her pastor, and this + was all she got. He was a good hater, and regarded Miss Churton with a + feeling that to his way of thinking was a holy one. “Do not I hate them, O + Lord, that hate Thee? I hate them with perfect hatred; I count them mine + enemies.” As for separating two inseparable things, the sinner and the sin + (matter and an affection of matter), and loving one and hating the other, + that was an intellectual feat altogether beyond his limited powers, + although he considered it one which Mr. Northcott might be able to + accomplish. He had made it impossible for his enemy to do any injury in + the parish; she had been dropped by Eyethorne “society,” and she did not + go among the poor; but this was not enough to satisfy him, and the sermon + he had preached against her, which drove her from the church, had been + deliberately prepared with the object of driving her from the parish. He + had failed in his object, and now he was angry because he could not + separate Fan from her, and, unjust and even cruel in his anger, he turned + on the unhappy mother. + </p> + <p> + To his words Mrs. Churton could only reply, “What can I do—what can + I do?” And as he refused to answer her, having said his last word, she + rose and went home more unhappy than ever, more angry with Fan, and + embittered against her daughter; for that the vicar had truly shown her + the reason of her failure she could not doubt. + </p> + <p> + They were both entirely wrong, although the mistake was a very natural + one, and, in the circumstances, almost unavoidable. Constance had + scrupulously observed the compact. Nothing could be further from her mind + than any desire to win others to her way of thinking. The religious + instinct was strong in her, and could flourish without the support of + creed or doctrine; at the same time she recognised the fact that in others—in + a very large majority of persons, perhaps—it is a frail creeping + plant that trails along the ground to perish trodden in the dust without + extraneous support. + </p> + <p> + Fan, on her side, had drifted into her present way of thinking, or not + thinking, independently of her teacher, and entirely uninfluenced by her. + At the beginning she responded readily to Mrs. Churton's motherly + teaching; but only because the teaching was motherly, and intimately + associated with those purely human feelings which were everything to her. + Afterwards when others, who were strangers and not dear to her, began to + take part in her instruction, then gradually these two things—human + and divine—separated themselves in her mind, and she clung to the + one and lost her interest in the other. It was pleasant to go to church, + to take part in singing and praying with the others, and to sit with + half-closed eyes among well-dressed people during sermon-time, and think + of other things, chiefly of Mary and Constance. But when religion came to + be more than that, it began to oppress her like a vain show, and it was a + relief to escape from all thoughts on the subject. So low and so earthly, + in one sense, was Fan's mind. While she was in this frame that visit to + the carpenter's cottage occurred, and the carpenter's words had taken a + strong hold on her and could not be forgotten; for they fitted her case so + exactly, and seemed so clearly to express all that she had had in her + mind, and all that it was necessary for her to have, that it had the + effect of making her spirit deaf to all other and higher teachings. If she + could have explained it all to Mrs. Churton it would have been better, at + all events for Constance, but she was incapable of such a thing, even if + she had possessed the courage, and so she kept silence, although she could + see that her want of interest was distressing to her kind friend. + </p> + <p> + Another great bitterness in Mrs. Churton's cup resulted from the conduct + of her irreclaimable husband. Even Fan, who had never regarded any living + soul with contempt, had soon enough learned to experience such a feeling + towards this man. But it was a kindly contempt, for after repulsing him + two or three times when he had attempted to conduct himself in too + fatherly a manner, he had ceased to trouble her in any way. He was very + unobtrusive in the house, except at intervals, when he would rebel against + his wife and say shocking things and screech at her. But when cold weather + came, then poor Mr. Churton took an extra amount of alcohol for warmth, + and the spirit and cold combined brought on a variety of ailments which + sometimes confined him for days to his bedroom. At such times he would be + deeply penitent, and beg his wife to sit with him and read the Bible, + which she was always ready to do. Never again would he seek oblivion from + pain in the cup that cheers, and, alas, inebriates, or do anything to make + his beloved wife grieve; thus would he protest, kissing her hand and + shedding weak tears. But as soon as she had nursed him back into better + health he would seize the first opportunity when she was out of the way to + slip off “for a constitutional,” which would invariably end at the inn in + the High Street; and in the evening he would return quarrelsome and + abusive, or else groaning and ready to take to bed again. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Northcott, who might have melted into thin air for all we have seen or + heard of him lately, was also unhappy in his mind at this period. He + loved, and yet when it had almost seemed to him that he had not loved in + vain, partly from prudential motives and partly because his religion stood + in the way of his desire, he had refrained from speaking. Now it seemed to + him that he had let his chance go by, and that Miss Churton, although + still as friendly as any person not actually enamoured of her could have + wished, was not so sympathetic, not so near to him, as formerly. + Nevertheless, he still sought her out at every opportunity, and engaged + her in long conversations which led to nothing; for they barely touched on + the borders of those subjects which both felt most deeply about, and that + other subject which he alone felt they never approached. His resolution + had in some measure recovered its “native hue,” but too late, alas! and at + length one day his vicar took him to task about this inconvenient + friendship. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Northcott,” he said very unexpectedly at the end of a conversation + they had been having, “may I ask you whether you still hope to be able to + win back Miss Churton to a more desirable frame of mind?” + </p> + <p> + The curate flushed a little, and glancing up encountered the suspicious + eyes of his superior fixed on him. + </p> + <p> + “I regret that I am compelled to answer with a negative,” he returned. + </p> + <p> + “Then,” said the other, “you will not take it amiss if I warn you that + your partiality for Miss Churton's society has been made the subject of + remark among the ladies in the neighbourhood. That your motives are of the + highest I do not question; at the same time, if they are misunderstood and + if your efforts are futile, it would be prudent, I fancy, not to let it + appear that you prefer this lady's company to that of others.” + </p> + <p> + This about motives did not sound quite sincere; but the vicar was suave in + manner, stroking his curate very kindly with soft velvet hand, only + waiting for some slight movement before unsheathing the sharp hidden + claws. One word of protest and of indignant remonstrance would have been + enough; the reply was on his tongue, “Then, Mr. Northcott, I regret that + we must part company.” + </p> + <p> + But he made no movement such as the other had expected, perhaps even + desired, for we are all cruel, even the best of us—so Bain says, and + therefore it must be true. On the contrary, he took it with strange + meekness—for which he did not fail afterwards to despise himself + with his whole heart—regretting that anything had been said, and + thanking the vicar for telling him. Nevertheless he was very indignant at + this gossip of “a set of malignant old scandal-mongers,” as he called the + Eyethorne ladies in his wrath, and bitterly resented the interference of + the vicar in his affairs. Only the hopeless passion that preyed on him, + which made the prospect of a total separation from Miss Churton seem + intolerable, kept him from severing his connection with Eyethorne. But + after that warning he was more circumspect, and gave the ladies, old and + young, less reason for ill-natured remarks. + </p> + <p> + All these troubles and griefs, real and imaginary, of which they were + indirectly the cause, affected the two young friends not at all. They did + not see these things, or saw them only dimly at a distance: they were + perfectly happy in each other, and almost invariably together both in and + out of doors. The Eyethorne woods still attracted them almost daily; for + although the trees were barren of leaves and desolate, the robin still + made blithe music there, and the wren and thrush were sometimes heard, and + even the mournful cawing of the rooks, and the weird melodies of the wind + in the naked trees inspired their hearts with a mysterious gladness. And + on days when the sun shone—the February days when winter “wears on + its face a dream of spring”—they never tired of talking about how + they were going to spend their time out of doors during the coming vernal + and summer months. For that Fan would remain another year at Eyethorne was + now looked upon as practically settled, since three-quarters of the first + year had gone by and Miss Starbrow had said no word in her letters about + taking her away. They were going to watch every opening leaf and every + tender plant as it sprouted from the soil, and Fan was to learn the names, + vulgar and scientific, and the special beauty and fragrance, and all the + secrets of “every herb that sips the dew.” And the birds were also to be + watched and listened to, and the peculiar melody of each kind noted on its + arrival from beyond the sea. + </p> + <p> + One circumstance only interfered with Fan's happiness during the winter + months. The letters she received from Mary, which came to her from various + continental addresses, were few and short, growing fewer and shorter as + time went on, and contained no allusion to many things in the long + fortnightly epistles which, the girl imagined, required an answer. But one + day, about the middle of March, when there had been no word for about six + weeks, and Fan had begun to feel a vague anxiety, a letter came for her. + It came while she was with Constance during study hours, and taking it she + ran up to her own room to enjoy it in solitude. + </p> + <p> + Constance had also received a letter from London by the same post, and was + well pleased to be left to read it by herself; and after reading and + re-reading it, she continued sitting before the fire, the letter still in + her hand and occupied with very pleasant thoughts. At length, glancing at + the clock, she was surprised to find that half an hour had gone by since + Fan left the room, and wondering at her delay, she went to look for her. + Fan was sitting beside her bed, her cheek, wet with recent tears, resting + on her arms on the coverlid; but she did not move when the other entered + the room. + </p> + <p> + “Fan, dearest Fan, what have you heard?” exclaimed Constance in alarm. + </p> + <p> + For only reply the girl put a letter she was holding in her hand towards + the other, and Constance, taking it, read as follows: + </p> + <p> + <i>Brighton.</i> + </p> + <p> + DEAR FAN, + </p> + <p> + Since I wrote last I have had several letters from you, one or two since I + returned to England, but there was nothing in them calling for an + immediate reply. + </p> + <p> + I do not wish you to answer this, or to write to me again at any time. + </p> + <p> + After so much travelling about I feel disinclined to settle down in + London, or even in England at present, and have made up my mind to re-let + the house in Dawson Place—that is, if the present tenants should + have any wish to give it up. + </p> + <p> + My brother and I separated some time ago, and he has gone, or is going, to + India, and will be away two or three years, as, I believe, he also intends + visiting Australia, China, and America. I am therefore quite alone now, + and shall probably go over to France for a few months, perhaps to remain + permanently abroad. + </p> + <p> + But so far as you are concerned, it does not matter in the least whether I + go or stay, since I cannot take you back to live with me, or have anything + more to do with you. + </p> + <p> + The clothes you have will, I dare say, last you some time longer, and I + have instructed my agent in London to send you a small sum of money (£25) + to start you with. You must in future take care of yourself, and I suppose + that with all the knowledge you have acquired from Miss Churton, you will + be able to get a situation of some kind. + </p> + <p> + You have until the middle of next May—I forget the exact date—to + prepare for your new life; and you can mention to Mrs. Churton that my + agent will send her the money for the last quarter before your time at + Eyethorne expires. + </p> + <p> + I suppose you do not require to be told the reason of the determination I + have come to. You cannot have forgotten the fair warning I gave you when + we parted, and you must know, Fan, if you know me at all, that when I say + a thing I distinctly mean it. + </p> + <p> + You must take this as my very last word to you. + </p> + <p> + MARY STARBROW. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, what a cruel thing to do! What a heartless letter! What a barbarous + woman!” cried Constance, tears of keenest distress starting to her eyes, + as she hastened to Fan's side, holding out her hands. + </p> + <p> + But Fan would not be caressed; she started as if stung to her feet, her + kindling eyes and flushed cheeks showing that her grief and despondence + had all at once been swallowed up in some other feeling. + </p> + <p> + “Give me the letter back,” she demanded, holding out her hand for it, and + then, when the other hesitated, astonished at her changed manner, snatched + it from her hand, and began carefully smoothing and refolding it, for + Constance had crumpled it up in her indignation. + </p> + <p> + “Fan, what has come over you? Are you going to quarrel with me because + that unfeeling, purse-proud, half-mad woman has treated you so badly? Ah, + poor Fan, to have been at the mercy of such a creature! I would tear her + bank-notes into shreds and send them back to her agent—” + </p> + <p> + “Leave me!” screamed Fan at her, stamping on the floor in her rage. + </p> + <p> + Constance stood staring at her, mute and motionless with astonishment, so + utterly unexpected was this tempest of anger, and so strange in one who + had seemed incapable of any such violent feeling. + </p> + <p> + “Very well, Fan, I shall leave you if you wish it,” she said at length + with some dignity, but in a pained voice. “I did not understand this + outburst at first. I had almost lost sight of the fact that I am in a + sense to blame for your misfortune. I regret it very bitterly, but that is + no comfort to you, and it is only natural that you should begin to hate me + now.” + </p> + <p> + “I do not hate you, Constance,” said Fan, recovering her usual tone, but + still speaking with a tremor in her voice. “Why do you say that?—it + is a cruel thing to say. Do you not know that it is false? I shall never + blame you for what has happened. You are not to blame. I have lost Mary, + but she is not what you say. You do not know her—what right have you + to call her bad names? I would go away this moment and never see you again + rather than hear you talk in that way of her, much as I love you.” + </p> + <p> + This speech explained the mystery, but it astonished her as much as the + previous passionate outbreak. That the girl could be so just to her, so + free from the least trace of bitterness against her for having indirectly + caused that great unhappiness, and at the same time so keenly resent her + sympathy, which she could not easily express without speaking indignantly + of Miss Starbrow—this seemed so strange, so almost incongruous and + contradictory, that if the case had not been so sad she would have burst + into a laugh. As it was she only burst into tears, and threw her arms + round the girl's neck. + </p> + <p> + “Darling Fan,” she said, “I understand you now—at last; and shall + say nothing to wound your feelings again. But I hope—with all my + heart I hope that I shall one day meet this—meet Miss Starbrow, to + have the satisfaction of telling her—” + </p> + <p> + “Telling her what?” exclaimed Fan, the bright resentful red returning to + her pale cheeks. + </p> + <p> + “Of telling her what she has lost. That she never really knew you, and + what an affection you had for her.” + </p> + <p> + There was no comfort in this to Fan. Her loss—the thought that she + would never see Mary again—surged back to her heart, and turning + away, she went back to her seat and covered her face again from the + other's sight. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXV + </h2> + <p> + After making her peace with Fan, there remained for Constance the heavy + task of informing her mother. She found her engaged with her needle in the + dining-room. + </p> + <p> + “Mother,” she began, “I have got something very unpleasant to tell you. + Miss Starbrow has written to Fan, casting her off. She tells her to remain + here until her year is up, and then to take care of herself, as she, Miss + Starbrow, will have nothing more to do with her. It is a cold, heartless + letter; and what poor Fan is to do I don't know.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Churton made no reply for some time, but the news disturbed her + greatly. Much as she felt for Fan, she could not help thinking also of her + own sad case; for after the last quarter had come, with no word from Miss + Starbrow, she had taken it for granted that Fan was to stay another year + with her. And the money had been a great boon, enabling her to order her + house better, and even to pay off a few old accounts, and interest on the + mortgage which weighed so heavily on her little property. + </p> + <p> + Constance, guessing what was passing in her mind, pitied her, but waited + without saying more for her to speak; and at length when she did speak it + was to put the question which Constance had been expecting with some + apprehension. + </p> + <p> + “What is Miss Starbrow's reason for casting Fan off?” she said. + </p> + <p> + The other still considered a little before replying. + </p> + <p> + “Mother,” she spoke at length, “will you read Miss Starbrow's letter for + yourself? It is not very easy to see from it what she has to quarrel with + Fan about. Her reason is perhaps only an excuse, it seems so fantastical. + You must judge for yourself.” + </p> + <p> + “I suppose you can tell me whether her quarrel with Fan—you say that + there is a quarrel—is because the girl has been taught things she + disapproves.” + </p> + <p> + “No, nothing of the kind. She writes briefly, and, as I said, heartlessly. + Not one word of affection for Fan or of regret at parting with her, and no + allusion to the subject of her studies with you or me. Not a word of + thinks to us—” + </p> + <p> + “That I never expected,” said Mrs. Churton. “I could not look for such a + thing from a person of Miss Starbrow's description. A kind word or message + from her would have surprised me very much.” + </p> + <p> + While she was speaking Fan had entered the room unnoticed. She was pale + and looked sad, but calmer now, and the traces of tears had been washed + away. Her face flushed when she heard Mrs. Churton's words, and she + advanced and stood so that they could not help seeing her. + </p> + <p> + “Fan, I am deeply grieved to hear this,” said Mrs. Churton. “I cannot tell + you, my poor child, how much I feel this trouble that has come on you so + early in life. But before I can speak fully about it I must know something + more. I am in the dark yet—Constance has not told me why Miss + Starbrow has seen fit to act in such a way. Will you let me see her + letter?” and with trembling fingers she began to wipe her glasses, which + had grown dim. + </p> + <p> + “I am very sorry, Mrs. Churton, but I cannot show you the letter.” + </p> + <p> + They both looked at her, Constance becoming more and more convinced that + there was a strength in Fan's character which she had never suspected; + while in Mrs. Churton anxiety and sorrow for a moment gave place to a + different feeling. + </p> + <p> + “You surprise me very much, Fan,” she returned. “I understand that you + have already shown the letter to Constance.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, but I am sorry now. I did it without thinking, and I cannot show it + again.” + </p> + <p> + “Fan, what is the meaning of this? It is only right and natural that you + should confide in me about such a serious matter; and I cannot understand + your motives in refusing to let me see a letter the contents of which are + known to my daughter.” + </p> + <p> + “Mother,” said Constance, “I think I can guess her motives, which make it + painful for her to show the letter, and will explain what I think they + are. Fan, dear, will you leave us for a while, and let me tell mother why + Miss Starbrow will not take you back?” + </p> + <p> + “You can say what you like, Constance, because I can't prevent you,” said + Fan, still speaking with that decision in her tone which seemed so strange + in her. “But I said I was sorry that I let you read Mary's letter, and if + you say anything about it, it will be against my wish.” + </p> + <p> + These words, although spoken in rebuke, were a relief to Constance, for + however “fantastical” she might consider Miss Starbrow's motives to be, + she very much doubted that her mother would take the same view; and she + knew that her mother, though entitled to know the whole matter, would + never ask her to reveal a secret of Fan's. + </p> + <p> + But Mrs. Churton had not finished yet. “Fan, dear, come to me,” she said, + and putting her arm about the girl's waist, drew her to her side. “I think + I have cause to be offended with your treatment of me, but I shall not be + offended, because you are probably only doing what you think is right. + But, dear child, you must allow me to judge for you in some things, and I + am convinced that you are making a great mistake. I have been a great deal + to you during all these months that you have been with us, and since you + received this letter I have become more to you. You must not imagine that + in a little time, in another two months, we must separate; you are too + young, too weak yet to go out into the world, to face its temptations and + struggle for your own livelihood. I have been a mother to you; look on me + as a mother still, a natural protector, whose home is your home also. It + might very well be that Miss Starbrow's motives for casting you off would + be of no assistance to me in the future—I can hardly think that they + could be; for I do not believe that she has any valid reason for treating + you as she has done. Nor is it from mere curiosity that I ask you to show + me her letter; but it is best that you should do so for various reasons, + and chiefly because it will prove that you love me, and trust me, and are + willing to be guided by me.” + </p> + <p> + The tears rose to Fan's eyes, her strange self-collected mood seemed to be + gone. “Dear Mrs. Churton,” she said, with trembling voice, “please—please + don't think me ungrateful! ... You have made me so happy ... oh, what can + I do to show how much I love you ... that I do trust you?” + </p> + <p> + The girl was conquered, so they thought, mother and daughter; and + Constance, with a little internal sigh and a twinge of shame at her + cowardice, waited to see the letter read and to save Fan the pain of + answering the searching questions which her mother would be sure to ask. + </p> + <p> + “Dear Fan, let me see the letter,” said Mrs. Churton. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, dear Mrs. Churton, anything but that! I can't let you see it—I + am so sorry! When Constance read it and began to speak angrily of Mary, I + said to myself that no one should ever see it again.” + </p> + <p> + “Have you then destroyed it?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no,” she replied, involuntarily touching her bosom with her hand, + “but I cannot show it.” + </p> + <p> + “Very well, Fan, let us say no more about it,” returned the other coldly, + and withdrawing her arm from the girl's waist. And after a few moments of + painful silence she rose and left the room. + </p> + <p> + Fan looking up met her friend's eyes fixed on her face. “Do you think Mrs. + Churton is very angry with me, Constance?” she asked sadly. + </p> + <p> + “I think that she is offended. And surprised too, I believe.” Then she + came nearer and took the girl's hand. “You have surprised me a great deal, + I know. I am not yet quite sure that I understand your motives for + refusing to show the letter. Perhaps your only reason was that you would + not allow Miss Starbrow to be blamed at all—I am not questioning + you. In any case you make me feel ashamed of myself. You have made me feel + such a coward, and—it was a poor spiteful thing to say that I would + tear up the notes and send them back to the giver.” + </p> + <p> + Fan made no reply, but stood with eyes cast down as if thinking of + something else; and before long she made some excuse to go to her room, + where she spent the rest of the day shut up by herself. + </p> + <p> + From that day a cloud rested on the ladies of Wood End House. Just when + Nature called them to rejoice, when the sun laughed at the storm, and the + blackbird fluted so loud in the orchard, and earth knew once more the + glory of flowers, this great trouble had come on Fan, dimming the sweet + visible world with a mist of tears. The poverty and toil which she must + now face meant so much to her; day and night, at all times, the thought of + it forced itself on her—the perpetual toiling for a bare + subsistence, for bread to satisfy the cravings of hunger; the mean narrow, + sordid, weary life, day after day, with no hope, no dream of joy to come; + and worse than all, the evil things which she had seen and heard and were + associated in her mind with the thought of poverty, all the things which + made her old life seem like a hideous nightmare to her! The sunshine and + flowers and the fluting of the blackbird, that would soon flute no more + for her, could not drive this care from her heart; she was preoccupied, + and silent, and sad, and Constance was sad from pure sympathy. Mrs. + Churton, although still kind and even motherly in her manner, could not + help showing that Fan's offence had not been forgotten; yet she loved the + girl so well that she could not but feel the deepest pity for her and + anxiety about her future. And she even still hoped to win her confidence. + </p> + <p> + “Fan,” she said one evening, when bidding her good-night, “you must not + think that what passed the other day between us makes any difference with + regard to my plans about your future. What I said to you then still holds + good, and my home while I have one is your home.” + </p> + <p> + Fan knew very well that she might not accept this offer; she knew that the + Churtons were poor and burdened with debt; and that even if it had not + been so, after taking up an independent position in opposition to Mrs. + Churton, she had no right to remain a day beyond the time for which + payment had been made. All this in a faltering way she tried to explain to + her kind friend, and Mrs. Churton confessed to herself that the girl took + the right view. She made no further attempt to win her confidence or to + make her change her mind; towards both Fan and her daughter she thereafter + observed a somewhat cold and distant manner, grieving in her own heart, + yearning over them in secret, but striving to hide it all from their eyes. + </p> + <p> + A fortnight after the receipt of Miss Starbrow's letter, one afternoon the + girls came in from their walk, and Constance, seeing her mother at work in + the dining-room, remained standing at the door until Fan went upstairs. + Then she went inside and sat down near her mother. Mrs. Churton glanced at + her with a swift startled glance, then bent her eyes on her work again. + But her heart fluttered in her breast, for she knew that she was about to + hear some new and perhaps painful thing. + </p> + <p> + “Mother,” Constance began presently, “Fan has made up her mind to go back + to London when her time is up with us. She is going to look for a + situation.” + </p> + <p> + “A situation—what do you mean, Constance?” + </p> + <p> + “Her own idea is that she would like best to be a shop-girl in some large + London shop.” + </p> + <p> + “Then all I can say is that it is very shocking. Does the poor child know + what it means to be a shop-girl in a great city, where she has no home or + friends, where she will associate with ignorant and vulgar people, and + worse perhaps, and be exposed to the most terrible temptations? But what + can I say, Constance, that will have the slightest weight with either Fan + or you?” + </p> + <p> + “I should like it very much better if Fan could do something different—if + she could find some more ladylike occupation. But nothing will move her. + If she cannot get into a shop, she says that she must be a servant, + because she must earn her own living, and she will not believe herself + capable of anything higher. To be a shop-girl, or a nursery-governess, or + failing that a nursemaid, is as high as her ambition goes; and though I am + sorry that it must be so, I can't help admiring her independence and + resolution.” + </p> + <p> + “I am glad that there is anything in it all to be admired; it only makes + me sad, and just now I can say no more about it. I only hope that before + the time comes she will think better of it.” + </p> + <p> + “I have something else to say to you, mother,” said Constance, after a + rather long interval of silence. “I have made up my mind to accompany Fan + to London.” + </p> + <p> + “What do you mean, Constance?” the other asked, with a tremor in her + voice. + </p> + <p> + “To live in London, I mean. It has long been my wish, and I am surely as + well able to earn my living now as I ever shall be. When Fan goes I shall + not be needed at home any longer. And we are not happy together, mother.” + </p> + <p> + “I know that, Constance; but you must put this idea of going to London out + of your head. I cannot consent to it—I shall never consent to it.” + </p> + <p> + “Why not, mother?” + </p> + <p> + “Do not ask me. I cannot say—I scarcely know myself. I dare not + think of such a thing; it is too dreadful. You must not, you cannot go. Do + not speak of it again.” + </p> + <p> + The other's task was all the harder because she knew the reason of her + mother's reluctance, and understood her feeling so well—the terrible + grief which only a mother can feel at the thought of an eternal separation + from her child. She rose to her feet, but instead of going from the room + remained standing, hesitating, twisting and untwisting her fingers + together, and at length she moved to a chair close to her mother and sat + down again. + </p> + <p> + “I must tell you something else, mother,” she said. “I do not quite belong + to myself now, but to another; and if the man I have promised to marry + were to come for me to-morrow, or to send for me to go to him, I could no + longer remain with you. As it happens, we are not going to be married soon—not + for a year at least, perhaps not for two. Before that time comes I wish to + know what it is to live by my own work.... He is a worker, working with + his mind in London: I think it would be a good preparation for my future, + that it would make me a better companion for him, if I were also to work + now and be independent.... If you can only give me a little money—enough + to pay my expenses for a short time—a few weeks in London, until I + begin to make enough to keep myself!” + </p> + <p> + “And who is this person you speak of, Constance, of whose existence I now + hear for the first time?” + </p> + <p> + “I have been for some months in correspondence with him, but our + engagement is only recent, and that is why you have not heard of it + before. He is a clerk in the Foreign Office, and from that you will know + that he is a gentleman. He also employs his leisure time in literary work. + I can show you his photograph if you would like to see it, mother.” + </p> + <p> + “And have you, Constance, engaged yourself to a person you have not even + seen?” + </p> + <p> + “No, mother, I have of course seen him.” + </p> + <p> + “Where?” + </p> + <p> + “Here, in Eyethorne. Last August, when I was walking in the woods with + Fan, we met him, and he recognised Fan, whom he had met in London at Miss + Starbrow's house, and spoke to her. We had a long conversation on that + day, and I met him again and talked with him the next day, and after that + we kept up the acquaintance by letter.” + </p> + <p> + “And you and Fan together met this man and never mentioned it to me! Let + me ask you one question more, Constance. Is this person you are engaged to + a Christian or an infidel?” + </p> + <p> + “Mother, it is not fair to put the question in that way. You call me an + infidel, but I am not an infidel—I do not call myself one.” + </p> + <p> + “Do not let us go into hair-splitting distinctions, Constance. I ask you + again this simple question—Is he a Christian?” + </p> + <p> + “Not in the way that you understand it. He is not a Christian.” + </p> + <p> + The other turned her face away, a little involuntary moan of pain escaping + her lips; and for the space of two or three minutes there was silence + between them, the daughter repenting that she had vainly given her + confidence, and the mother revolving all she had heard in her mind, her + grief changing gradually into the old wrath and bitterness. And at length + she spoke. + </p> + <p> + “I don't know why you have condescended to tell me of this engagement. Was + it only to show me how utterly you put aside and despise a mother's + authority—a mother's right to be consulted before taking so + important a step? But that is the principle you have acted on all along—to + ignore and treat with silent contempt your mother's words and wishes. And + you have succeeded in making Fan as bad as yourself. I can see it all + better now. Your example, your teaching, has drawn her away from me, and I + am as little to her now as to you. She would never have entered into these + secret doings and plottings if you had not corrupted her. You have made + her what she is; take her and go where you like together, and ruin + yourself in any way that pleases you best, for I have no longer any + influence over either of you. Only do not ask me to sanction what you do, + or to give you any assistance.” + </p> + <p> + Constance rose and moved away, but before reaching the door she turned and + spoke. “Mother, I cannot pay any attention to such wild, unfounded + accusations. If I must leave home without a shilling in my purse after + teaching Fan for a year, I can only say that you are treating me with the + greatest injustice, and that a stranger would have treated me better.” + Then she left the room, and for several days after no word passed between + mother and daughter. + </p> + <p> + Nevertheless Mrs. Churton was keenly alive and deeply interested in all + that was passing around her. She noted that the hours of study were very + much shortened now, and that the girls were continually together in the + house, and from their bedroom sweepings and stray threads clinging to + their dresses, and the snipping sound of scissors, she judged that they + were busy with their preparations. Fan had gone back to her ancient but + happily not lost art of dressmaking, and was making Constance a dress from + a piece of stuff which the latter had kept by her for some time. Mrs. + Churton had continued hoping against hope, but the discovery that this + garment was being made convinced her at last that her daughter's + resolution was not to be shaken, and that the dreaded separation was very + near. + </p> + <p> + At length one morning, just after receiving a letter from London, and when + only one week of Fan's time at Wood End House remained, she spoke to her + daughter, calling her into her own room. + </p> + <p> + “Constance,” she said, speaking in a constrained tone and with studied + words, “I fully deserved your reproach the other day. I should not have + let you go from home without a shilling in your purse. I spoke hastily, in + anger, that day, and I hope you will forgive me. Miss Starbrow's agent has + just sent the eighteen pounds for the last quarter; I cannot do less than + hand it over to you, and only wish that I had it in my power to give you + more.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, mother; but I would much rather that you kept part of it. I do + not require as much as that.” + </p> + <p> + “You will find it little enough—in London among strangers. We need + not speak any more about it, and you owe me no thanks. It is only right + that you should have one quarter's money of the four I have received.” + After an interval of silence, and when her daughter was about to leave the + room, she continued, “Before you go, Constance, let me ask a favour of + you. If you are going away soon this will be our last conversation.” + </p> + <p> + “Our last! What favour, mother?” + </p> + <p> + “When you go, do so without coming to say goodbye to me. I do not feel + very strong, and—would prefer it if you went away quietly without + any leave-takings.” + </p> + <p> + “If that is your wish, mother,” she returned, and then remained standing, + her face full of distress. Then she moved a little nearer and said, + “Mother, if there is to be no good-bye, will you let me kiss you?” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Churton's lips moved but made no sound. Constance after a moment's + hesitation came nearer still, and bending forward kissed her cheek, not in + a perfunctory way, but with a lingering, loving kiss; and after the kiss + she still lingered close, so that the breath from her lips came warm and + fragrant on the other's cold pale cheek. But her mother spoke no word, and + remained cold and motionless as a statue, until with a slight sigh and + lingering step the other left the room. Scarcely had she gone before the + unhappy mother dropped on to a chair, and covering her face with her hands + began to shed tears. Why, why, she asked herself again and again, had she + not returned that loving kiss, and clasped her lost daughter once more to + her heart? Too late! too late! She had restrained her heart and made + herself cold as stone, and now that last caress, that sweet consolation + was lost for ever! Ah, if her cold cheek might keep for all the remaining + days of her life the sensation of those warm caressing lips, of that warm + sweet breath! But her bitter tears of regret were in vain; that dread + eternal parting was now practically over, and out of the infinite depths + of her love no last tender word had risen to her lips! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVI + </h2> + <p> + In London once more! It was Fan's birth-place, the home she had known + continuously up till one short year ago; yet now on her return how + strange, how foreign to her soul, how even repelling it seemed! The change + had come so unexpectedly and in such unhappy circumstances, and the + contrast was so great to that peaceful country life and all its + surroundings, which had corresponded so perfectly with her nature. To + Constance, who knew little of London except from reading, the contrast + seemed equally great, but it affected her in a different and much + pleasanter way. To Fan town and town-life could be repelling because, + owing to her past experiences, and to something in her mental character, + she was able vividly to realise her present position. Even when the + brilliant May sun shone on her, and the streets and parks were thronged + with fashionable pleasure-seekers, and London looked not unbeautiful, she + realised it. For all that made town-life pleasant and desirable was now + beyond her reach. It was sweet when Mary loved her and gave her a home; + but in all this vast world of London there was no second Mary who would + find her and take her to her heart. Now she might sink into a state of + utter destitution, and she would be powerless to win help or sympathy, or + even a hearing, from any one of the countless thousands of + fellow-creatures that would pass her in the streets, all engrossed with + their own affairs, so accustomed to the sight of want and suffering that + it affected them not at all. To find some work which she might be able to + do, and for which the payment would be sufficient to provide her with + food, clothing, and shelter, was the most she could hope. She could dream + of no wonderful second deliverance in the long years of humble patient + drudgery that awaited her—no impossible good fortune passing over + the heads of thousands as deserving as herself to light on hers and give a + new joy and glory to her life. + </p> + <p> + To Constance, with her more vigorous intellect and ardent imagination, no + such dreary prospect could present itself. The thunderous noise and + shifting panorama of the streets, the interminable desert of brick houses, + and even the smoke-laden atmosphere only served to exhilarate her mind. + These things continually reminded her that she was now where she had long + wished to be, in the great intellectual laboratory, where thousands of men + and women once as unknown and poor as herself had made a reputation. Not + without great labour and pains certainly; but what others had done she + could do; and with health and energy, and a bundle of carefully-prepared + manuscripts in her box to begin with, she could feel no serious anxiety + about the future. + </p> + <p> + During their second day in town they managed after much searching to find + cheap furnished apartments—a bed and small sitting-room—on the + second floor of a house in a monotonous street of yellow brick houses in + the monotonous yellow brick wilderness of West Kensington. Their search + for rooms would not have occupied them very long if Constance had been as + easily satisfied as her companion; but although in most of the places they + visited she found the bedrooms “good enough,” wretched as they were + compared with her own fragrant and spotless bower at Wood End House, she + was not so readily pleased with the sitting-room. That, at all events, + must not wear so mean and dingy a look as one usually has to put up with + when the rent is only ten shillings a week; and beyond that sum they were + determined not to go. The reason of this fastidiousness about a + sitting-room presently appeared. Fan was told the secret of the engagement + with Merton Chance; also that Merton was now for the first time about to + be informed of the step Constance had taken without first consulting him, + and asked to visit her at her lodgings. Constance felt just a little hurt + at the way her news was received, for Fan said little and seemed + unsympathetic, almost as if her friend's happiness had been a matter of + indifference to her. + </p> + <p> + Next day, after moving into their new quarters, Constance wrote her + letter, addressing it to the Foreign Office, posting it herself in the + nearest pillar-box, and then settled herself down to wait the result. It + was weary waiting, she found, when the next morning's post brought her no + answer, and when the whole day passed and no Merton came, and no message. + She was restless and anxious, and in a feverish state of anxiety, fearing + she knew not what; but outwardly she bore herself calmly; and remembering + with some resentment still how little her engagement had seemed to rejoice + her friend, she proudly held her peace. But she would not leave the house, + for the lover might come at any moment, and it would not do to be out of + the way when he arrived. She remained indoors, pretending to be much + occupied with her writing, while Fan went out for long walks alone. The + next day passed in like manner, the two friends less in harmony and less + together than ever; and when still another morning came and brought no + letter, Fan began to feel extremely unhappy in her mind, for now the + long-continued strain was beginning to tell on her friend, robbing her + cheeks of their rich colour, and filling her hazel eyes with a great + unexpressed trouble. But on that day about three o'clock, while Constance + sat at her window, which commanded a view of the street, she saw a + hansom-cab arrive at the door, and the welcome form of her lover spring + rapidly out and run up the steps. He had come to her at last! But why had + he left her so long to suffer? She heard his steps bounding up the stairs, + and stood trembling with excitement, her hand pressed to her + wildly-beating heart. One glance at his face was enough to show her that + her fears had been idle, that her lover's heart had not changed towards + her; the next moment she was in his arms, feeling for the first time his + kisses on her lips. After the excitement of meeting was over, explanations + followed, and Merton informed her that he had only just received her + letter, and greatly blamed himself for not having sent her his new address + immediately after having left the Foreign Office. + </p> + <p> + “Left the Foreign Office! Do you mean for good?” asked Constance in a kind + of dismay. + </p> + <p> + “I hope for good,” he replied, smiling at her serious face. “The + uncongenial work I had to do there has chafed me for a long time. It + interfered with the real and serious business of my life, and I threw it + up with a light heart. I must be absolutely free and master of my own time + before I can do, and do well, the work for which I am fitted.” + </p> + <p> + “But, dear Merton, you told me that your work was so light there, and that + the salary you had relieved you from all anxiety, and left you free to + follow the bent of your own mind in literary work.” + </p> + <p> + “Did I? That was one of my foolish speeches then. However light any work + may be, if it occupies you during the best hours of the day, it must to + some extent take the freshness out of you. And to look at the matter in a + practical way, I consider that I am a great gainer, since by resigning a + salary of £250 a year I put myself in a position to make five hundred. I + hope before very long to make a thousand.” + </p> + <p> + His news had given a considerable shock to Constance, but he seemed so + confident of success, laughing gaily at her doubts, that in a little while + he succeeded in raising her spirits, and she began to believe that this + exceedingly clever young man had really done a wise thing in throwing up + an appointment which would have secured him against actual want for the + whole term of his life. + </p> + <p> + After a while she ventured to speak of her own plans and hopes. He + listened with a slight smile. + </p> + <p> + “I have not the slightest doubt that you could make your living in that + way,” he said; “for how many do it who are not nearly so gifted as you + are! But, Connie, if I understand you rightly, you wish to begin making + money at once, and that is scarcely possible, as you have not been + doggedly working away for years to make yourself known and useful to + editors and publishers.” + </p> + <p> + He then went very fully into this question, and concluded with a comical + description of the magazine editor as a very unhappy spider, against whose + huge geometric web there beats a continuous rain of dipterous insects of + every known variety, besides innumerable nondescripts. The poor spider, + unable to eat and digest more than about half a dozen to a dozen flies + every month, was forced to spend his whole time cutting and dropping his + useless captures from the web. As a rule Merton did not talk in this + strain: the editors had cut away too many of his own nondescript dipterous + contributions to their webs for him to love them; but for some mysterious + reason it suited him just now to take the side of the enemy in the old + quarrel of author <i>versus</i> editor. + </p> + <p> + “Do you think then that I have made a mistake in coming to London?” she + asked despondingly. + </p> + <p> + He smiled and drew her closer to him. “Connie, dear, I am exceedingly glad + you did come, for there is no going back, you say; and now that you are + here there is only one thing to do to smooth the path for us, and that is—to + consent to marry me at once.” + </p> + <p> + This did not accord with her wishes at all. To consent would be to confess + herself beaten, and that dream of coming to London and keeping herself, + for a time at all events, by means of her own work, had been so long and + so fondly cherished, and she wished so much to be allowed to make the + trial. But he pleaded so eloquently that in the end he overcame her + reluctance. + </p> + <p> + “I will promise to do what you wish,” she said, “if after you have thought + it over for a few days you should still continue in the same mind. But, + Merton, I hope you will not think me too careful and anxious if I ask you + whether it does not seem imprudent, when you have just given up your + salary and are only beginning to work at something different, to marry a + penniless girl? You have told me that you have no money, and that you + cannot look to your relations for any assistance.” + </p> + <p> + “By no money I simply meant no fortune. Of course we could not get married + without funds, and just now I have a couple of hundreds standing to my + credit in the bank. If we are careful, and content to begin married life + in apartments, we need not spend any more than I am spending now by + myself.” + </p> + <p> + He omitted to say that this money was all that was left of a legacy of + £500 which had come to him from an aunt, and that he had been spending it + pretty freely. His words only gave the impression that he knew the value + of money, and was not one to act without careful consideration. + </p> + <p> + They were still discussing this point when Fan came in, and after shaking + hands with their visitor sat down in her hat and jacket. Merton, after + expressing his regret that she had lost her protectress, proceeded to make + some remarks about Miss Starbrow's eccentric temper. Nothing which that + lady did, he said, surprised him in the least. Fan sat with eyes cast + down; she looked pale and fatigued, and her face clouded at his words; + then murmuring some excuse, she rose and went to her bedroom. + </p> + <p> + “I must warn you, Merton,” said Constance, “that Fan can't endure to hear + anything said in dispraise of Miss Starbrow. I have discovered that it is + the one subject about which she is capable of losing her temper and + quarrelling with her best friend.” + </p> + <p> + “Is that so?” he returned, laughingly. “Then she must be as eccentric as + Miss Starbrow herself. But what does the poor girl intend doing—she + must do something to live, I suppose?” + </p> + <p> + Constance told him all about Fan's projects. “Why do you smile?” she said. + “You do not approve, I suppose?” + </p> + <p> + “You are mistaken, Connie. I neither approve nor disapprove. She does not + ask us to shape her future life for her, and we owe her thanks for that.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, but still you are a little shocked that she has not set her mind on + something a little higher.” + </p> + <p> + “Not at all. On the contrary. It is really disgusting to find how many + there are who take 'Excelsior' for their motto. In a vast majority of + cases they get killed by falling over a precipice, or smothered in the + snow, or crawl back to the lower levels to go through life as + frost-bitten, crippled, pitiful objects. You can see scores of these + would-be climbers any day in the streets of London, and know them by their + faces. If you are not a real Whymper it is better not to be in the crowd + of foolish beings who imagine themselves Whympers, but to rest content, + like Fan, in the valley below. I am very glad not to be asked for advice, + but if you ask my opinion I can say, judging from what I have seen of Fan, + that I believe she has made a wise choice. Her capabilities and appearance + would make her a very nice shop-girl.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you have too poor an opinion of her!” exclaimed Constance. + Nevertheless she could not help thinking that he was perhaps right. It was + very pleasant to listen to him, this eloquent lover of hers, to see how + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + With a Réaumur's skill his curious mind + Classed the insect tribes of human kind. +</pre> + <p> + It was impossible to doubt that <i>he</i>, at any rate, would know very + well where to set his foot on those perilous heights to which he aspired. + </p> + <p> + Later in the evening the lovers went out for a walk, from which Constance + came home looking very bright and happy. The girls slept together, and + after going to bed that night there was a curious little scene between + them, in which Fan's part was a very passive one. “Darling, we have talked + so little since we have been here,” said Constance, putting her arm round + her friend, “and now I have got so many things to say to you.” And as Fan + seemed anxious to hear her story, she began to talk first about Merton's + wish for an early marriage, but before long she discovered that her + companion had fallen asleep. Then she withdrew her arm and turned away + disgusted, all the story of her happiness untold. “I verily believe,” she + said to herself, “that I have credited Fan with a great deal more + sensibility than she possesses. To drop asleep like a plough-boy the + moment I begin to talk to her—how little she cares about my affairs! + I think Merton must be right in what he said about her. She is very keen + and wideawake about her shop, and seems to think and care for nothing + else.” Much more she thought in her vexation, and then glanced back at the + face at her side, so white and pure and still, framed in its unbound + golden hair, so peaceful and yet with a shade of sadness mingling with its + peacefulness; and having looked, she could not withdraw her eyes. “How + beautiful she looks,” said Constance, relenting a little. And then, “Poor + child, she must have overtired herself to-day.... And perhaps it is not + strange that she has shown herself so cold about my engagement. She thinks + that Merton is taking me away from her. She is grieving secretly at the + thought of losing me, as she lost her bitter, cruel-hearted Mary. Oh, + dearest, I am not so fantastical as that woman, and you shall never lose + me. Married or single, rich or poor, and wherever you may be, in or out of + a shop, my soul shall cleave to you as it did at Eyethorne, and I shall + love you as I love no other woman—always, always.” And bending she + lightly kissed the still white face; but Fan slept soundly and the light + kiss disturbed her not. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0027" id="link2HCH0027"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVII + </h2> + <p> + The next few days were devoted to sightseeing under Merton's guidance, and + a better-informed cicerone they could not well have had. The little cloud + between the girls had quite passed away; and Fan, who was not always + abnormally drowsy after dark, listened to her friend's story and entered + into all her plans. Then a visit to the National Gallery was arranged for + a day when Merton would only have a few hours of the afternoon to spare: + he was now devoting his energies to the business of climbing. At three + o'clock they were to meet at Piccadilly Circus, but the girls were early + on the scene, as they wished to have an hour first in Regent Street. To + unaccustomed country eyes the art treasures displayed in the shop-windows + there are as much to be admired as the canvases in Trafalgar Square. They + passed a large drapery establishment with swinging doors standing open, + and the sight of the rich interior seemed to have a fascinating effect on + Fan. She lingered behind her companion, gazing wistfully in—a poor, + empty-handed peri at the gates of Paradise. Long room succeeded long room, + until they appeared to melt away in the dim distance; the floors were + covered with a soft carpet of a dull green tint, and here and there were + polished red counters, and on every side were displayed dresses and + mantles artistically arranged, and textures of all kinds and in all soft + beautiful colours. Within a few ladies were visible, moving about, or + seated; but it was the hour of luncheon, when little shopping was done, + and the young ladies of the establishment, the assistants, seemed to have + little to occupy them. They were very fine-looking girls, all dressed + alike in black, but their dresses were better in cut and material than + shop-girls usually wear, even in the most fashionable establishments. At + length Fan withdrew her longing eyes, and turned away, remarking with a + sigh, “Oh, how I should like to be in such a place!” + </p> + <p> + “Should you?” said Constance. “Well, let's go in and ask if there is a + vacancy. You must make a beginning, you know.” + </p> + <p> + “But, Constance, we can't do that! I don't know how to begin, but I'm sure + you can't get a place by going into a grand shop and asking in that way.” + </p> + <p> + “Possibly not; but there's no harm in asking. Come, and I'll be spokesman, + and take all the dreadful consequences on my own head. Come, Fan.” + </p> + <p> + And in she walked, boldly enough, and after a moment's hesitation the + other followed. When they had proceeded a dozen or twenty steps a young + man, a shop-walker, came treading softly to them, and with profoundest + respect in his manner, and in a voice trained to speak so low that at a + distance of about twenty-five inches it would have been inaudible, begged + to know to which department he could have the pleasure of directing them. + He was a very good-looking, or perhaps it would be more correct to say a + very <i>beautiful</i> young man, with raven-black hair, glossy and curled, + and parted down the middle of his shapely head, and a beautiful small + moustache to match. His eyes were also dark and fine, and all his features + regular. His figure was as perfect as his face; many a wealthy man, made + ugly by that mocker Nature, would have gladly given half his inheritance + in exchange for such a physique; and his coat of finest cloth fitted him + to perfection, and had evidently been built by some tailor as celebrated + for his coats as Morris for his wall-papers, and Leighton for his pictures + of ethereal women. + </p> + <p> + Constance, a little surprised at being obsequiously addressed by so + exquisite a person, stated the object of their visit. He looked surprised, + and, losing his obsequiousness, replied that he was not aware that an + assistant had been advertised for. She explained that they had seen no + advertisement, but had merely come in to inquire, as her friend wished to + get a situation in a shop. He smiled at her innocence—he even smiled + superciliously—and, with no deference left in his manner, told them + shortly that they had made a great mistake, and was about to show them + out, when, wonderful to relate, all at once a great change came over his + beautiful countenance, and he stood rooted to the spot, cringing, + confused, crimson to the roots of his raven ringlets. His sudden collapse + had been caused by the sight of a pair of cold, keen grey eyes, with an + expression almost ferocious in them, fixed on his face. They belonged to + an elderly man with a short grizzly beard and podgy nose; a short, square, + ugly man, who had drawn near unperceived with cat-like steps, and was + attentively listening to the shop-walker's words, and marking his manner. + He was the manager. + </p> + <p> + “I am sorry I made a mistake,” said Constance a little stiffly, and turned + to go. + </p> + <p> + The young man made no reply. The manager, still keeping his basilisk eyes + on him, nodded sharply, as if to say, “Go and have your head taken off.” + Then he turned to the girls. + </p> + <p> + “One moment, young ladies,” he said. “Kindly step this way, and let me + know just what you want.” + </p> + <p> + They followed him into a small private office, where he placed chairs for + them, and then allowed Constance to repeat what he had already heard, and + to add a few particulars about Fan's history. He appeared to be paying but + little attention to what she said; while she spoke he was keenly studying + their faces—first hers, then Fan's. + </p> + <p> + “There is no vacancy at present,” he replied at length. “Besides, when + there is one, which is not often, we usually have the names of several + applicants who are only waiting to be engaged by us. We have always plenty + to choose from, and of course select the one that offers the greatest + advantages—experience, for instance; and you say that your friend + has no experience. The fact is,” he continued, expanding still more, “our + house is so well known that scores of young ladies would be glad at any + moment to throw up the places they have in other establishments to be + taken on here.” + </p> + <p> + Constance rose from her seat. + </p> + <p> + “It was hardly necessary,” she said, with some dignity, “to bring us into + your private office to tell us all this, since we already knew that we had + made a mistake in coming.” + </p> + <p> + “Wait a minute,” he returned, with a grim smile. “Please sit down again. I + understand that it is for your friend and not for yourself. Well, I find + it hard to say—” and here with keenly critical eyes he looked first + at her, then at Fan, making little nods and motions with his head, and + moving his lips as if very earnestly talking to himself. “All I can say is + this,” he continued, “if this young lady is willing to come for a month + without pay to learn the business, and afterwards, should she suit us, to + remain at a salary of eighteen shillings a week and her board for the + first six months, why, then I might be willing to engage her. You can give + a reference, I suppose?” + </p> + <p> + Both girls were fairly astonished at the sudden turn the affair had taken, + and could scarcely credit their own senses, so illogically did this keen + grim man seem to act. They did not know his motive. + </p> + <p> + Not to make a secret of a very simple matter, he thought a great deal more + than most men in his way of life about personal appearance. He made it an + object to have only assistants with fine figures and pretty faces, with + the added advantage of a pleasing manner. When he discovered that these + two young ladies with graceful figures and refined, beautiful faces had + not come into the shop to purchase anything, but in quest of an engagement + for one of them, he instantly resolved not to let slip so good an + opportunity of adding to his collection of fair women. It was not that he + had any soft spot in his heart with regard to pretty women: so long as his + assistants did their duty, he treated them all with the strictest + impartiality, blonde or brunette, grave or gay, and was somewhat stern in + his manner towards them, and had an eagle's eye to detect their faults, + which were never allowed to go unpunished. He worshipped nothing but his + shop, and he had pretty girls in it for the same reason that he had + Adonises for shop-walkers, artistically-dressed windows, and an + aristocratic-looking old commissionaire at the door—namely, to make + it more attractive. + </p> + <p> + It is true that some great dames, with thin lips, oblique noses, green + complexions, and clay-coloured eyes, hate to be served by a damsel wearing + that effulgent unbought crown of beauty which makes all other crowns seem + such pitiful tinsel gewgaws to the sick soul. That was one disadvantage, + but it was greatly overweighed by a general preference for beauty over + ugliness. The flower-girl with beautiful eyes stands a better chance than + her squinting sister of selling a penny bunch of violets to the next + passer-by. If a girl ceased to look ornamental, however intelligent or + trustworthy she might be, he got rid of her at once without scruple. His + seeming hesitation when he spoke to the girls before making his offer was + due simply to the fact that he was mentally occupied in comparing them + together. Both so perfect in figure, face, manner—which would he + have taken if he had had the choice given him? + </p> + <p> + For some moments he half regretted that it was not the more developed, + richer-coloured girl with the bronzed tresses who had aspired to join his + staff. Then he shook his head: that exquisite brown tint would not last + for ever in the shade, and the bearing was also just a shade too proud. He + considered the other, with the slimmer figure, the far more delicate skin, + the more eloquent eyes, and he concluded that he had got the best of the + pair. + </p> + <p> + “I should so like to come,” said Fan, for they were both waiting for her + to speak, “but am afraid that I can give no reference.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Fan, surely you can!” said the other. + </p> + <p> + “I have no friend but you, Constance; I could not write to Mary now.” + </p> + <p> + The other considered a little. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yes; there is Mr. Northcott,” she said, then turning to the manager + asked, “Will the name of a clergyman in the country place where Miss + Affleck has spent the last year be sufficient?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, that will do very well,” he said, giving her pencil and paper to + write the name and address. Then he asked a few questions about Fan's + attainments, and seemed pleased to hear that she had learnt dressmaking + and embroidery. “So much the better,” he said. “You can come to-morrow to + receive instructions about your dress, and to hear when your attendance + will begin. The hours are from half-past eight to half-past six. Saturdays + we close at two. You have breakfast when you come in, dinner at twelve or + one, tea at four. You must find your own lodgings, and it will be better + not to get them too far away.” + </p> + <p> + “May I ask you not to write about Miss Affleck until to-morrow?” Constance + said. “I must write to-day first to Mr. Northcott to inform him. He will + be a little surprised, I suppose, that Miss Affleck is going into a shop, + but he will tell you all about her disposition, and”—with a pause + and a hot blush—“her respectability.” + </p> + <p> + He smiled again grimly. + </p> + <p> + “I have no doubt that Miss Affleck is a lady by birth,” he said. “But do + not run away with the idea that she is doing anything peculiar. There are + several daughters of gentlemen in our house, as she will probably discover + when she comes to associate with them.” + </p> + <p> + “I am glad,” said Constance, rising to go. + </p> + <p> + He was turning the paper with the address on in his hand. “You need not + trouble to write to this gentleman,” he said. “I shall not write to him. + If you are fairly intelligent, Miss Affleck, and anxious to do your best, + you will do very well, I dare say. References are of little use to me; I + prefer to use my own judgment. But you must understand clearly that for + every dereliction there is a fine, which is deducted from the salary. A + printed copy of the rules will be given you. And you may be discharged at + a moment's notice at any time.” + </p> + <p> + “Only for some grave fault, I suppose?” said Constance. + </p> + <p> + “Not necessarily,” he returned. + </p> + <p> + “That seems hard.” + </p> + <p> + “I do not trouble myself about that. The business is of more consequence + than any individual in it,” he replied; and then walked to the door with + them and bowed them out with some ceremony. + </p> + <p> + For the rest of the day Fan was in a state of bewilderment at her own + great good fortune; for this engagement meant so much to her. That + horrible phantom, the fear of abject poverty, would follow her no more. + With £20 in hand and all Mary's presents, and eighteen shillings a week in + prospect, she considered herself rich; and with her evenings, her Sundays + and holidays to spend how she liked, and Constance always near, how happy + she would be! But why, when crowds of experienced girls were waiting and + anxiously wishing to get into this establishment, had she, utterly + ignorant of business, been taken in this sudden off-hand way? It was a + mystery to her, and a mystery also to the clever Constance, and to the + still more clever Merton when he was told about it. Unknowingly she had + submitted herself to a competitive examination in which useless knowledge + was not considered, and in which those who possessed pretty faces and fine + figures scored the most marks. After this she was scarcely in the right + frame to appreciate the works of art they went on to see. That long + interior in Regent Street, with its costly goods and pretty + elegantly-dressed girls, and perfumed glossy shop-walker, and ugly + bristling fierce-eyed manager, continually floated before her mental + vision, even when she looked on the most celebrated canvases—even on + those painted by Turner. + </p> + <p> + These same celebrated pieces startled Constance somewhat, although she had + come prepared by a childlike faith in Ruskin's infallibility to worship + them. She was, however, too frank to attempt to conceal her real + impressions, and then Merton consolingly informed her that no person could + appreciate a Turner before seeing it many times. One's first impression + is, that over this canvas the artist has dashed a bucket of soap-suds, and + over that a pot of red and yellow ochre. Well, after all, what was a + snowstorm but a bucket of soap-suds on a big scale! Call it suds, a mad + smudge, anything you like, but it was a miracle of art all the same if it + produced the effect aimed at, and gave one some idea of that darkness and + whiteness, and rush and mad mingling of elements, and sublime confusion of + nature. + </p> + <p> + “But my trouble is,” objected Constance, “that, the effect does <i>not</i> + seem right—that it is not really like nature.” + </p> + <p> + “No, certainly not. Nature is nature, and you cannot create another nature + in imitation of it, any more than you can comprehend infinity. This is + only art, the highest thing, in this particular direction, which the poor + little creature man has been able to attain. You have doubtless heard the + story of the old lady who said to the painter of these scenes, 'Oh, Mr. + Turner, I never saw such lights and colours in nature as you paint!' 'No, + don't you wish you could?' replied the artist. Now the old lady was + perfectly right. You cannot put white quivering tropical heat on a canvas, + but Turner dashes unnatural vermilion over his scene and the picture is + not ridiculous; the effect of noonday heat is somehow produced. Look at + those sunsets! In one sense they are failures, every one of them; but what + a splendid audacity the man had, and what a genius, to attempt to portray + nature in those special moments when it shines with a glory that seems + unearthly, and not to have failed more signally! Failures they are, but + nobler works than other men's successes. You are perfectly right, Connie, + but when you look at a great picture do not forget to remember that art is + long and life short. That is what the old lady didn't know, and what + Turner should have told her instead of making that contemptuous speech.” + </p> + <p> + Constance was comforted, and continued to listen delightedly as he led + them from room to room, pointing out the most famous pictures and + expatiating on their beauties. + </p> + <p> + From the Gallery they went to Marshall's in the Strand and drank tea; then + Merton put them in an Underground train at Charing Cross and said goodbye, + being prevented by an engagement from seeing them home. He had put them + into a compartment of a first-class carriage which was empty, but after + the train had started the door was opened, and in jumped two young + gentlemen, almost tumbling against the girls in their hurry. + </p> + <p> + “Just saved it!” exclaimed one, throwing himself with a laugh into the + seat. + </p> + <p> + “It was a close shave,” said the other. “Did you see that young fellow + standing near the edge of the platform? I caught him on the side and sent + him spinning like a top.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, that was Chance—didn't you know him? I was in too much of a + hurry even to give the poor devil a nod.” + </p> + <p> + “Good gracious, was that Chance—that madman that threw up his + clerkship at the F.O.!” + </p> + <p> + “No, he didn't,” his friend replied. “That's what <i>he</i> says, but the + truth is he got mixed up in a disreputable affair and had to resign. No + doubt he has been going to the 'demnition bow-bows,' as Mr. Mantalini + says, but he wasn't so mad as to throw away his bread just to have the + pleasure of starving. He hasn't a ha'penny.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, <i>I</i> don't care,” said the other with a laugh, and then went on + to talk of other things. + </p> + <p> + During this colloquy Fan had glanced frequently at her companion, but + Constance, who had grown deathly pale, kept her face averted and her eyes + fixed on the window, as if some wide prospect, and not the rayless + darkness of the tunnel, had been before them. From their station they + walked rapidly and in silence home, and when inside, Constance spoke for + the first time, and in a tone of studied indifference. + </p> + <p> + “So much going about has given me a headache, Fan,” she said. “I shall lie + down in my room and have a little sleep, and don't call me, please, when + you have supper. I am sorry to leave you alone all the evening, but you + will have something pleasant to think about as you have been so successful + to-day.” + </p> + <p> + She was about to move away, when Fan came to her side and caught her hand. + </p> + <p> + “Don't go just yet, dear Constance,” she said. “Why do you try to—shut + me out of your heart? Oh, if you knew how much—how very much I feel + for you!” + </p> + <p> + “What about?” said the other a little sharply, and drawing herself back. + </p> + <p> + “What about! We are both thinking of the same thing.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, very likely, but what of that? Is it such a great thing that you + need to distress yourself so much about it?” + </p> + <p> + “How can I help being distressed at such a thing; it has changed + everything, and will make you so unhappy. You know that you can't marry + Mr. Chance now after he has deceived you in that way.” + </p> + <p> + “Can't marry Mr. Chance!” exclaimed Constance, putting her friend from + her. “Do you imagine that the wretched malicious gossip of those two men + in the train will have the slightest effect on me! What a mistake you are + making!” + </p> + <p> + “But you know it is true,” returned Fan with strange simplicity; and this + imprudent speech quickly brought on her a tempest of anger. When the heart + is burdened with a great anguish which cannot be expressed there is + nothing like a burst of passion to relieve it. Tear-shedding is a weak + ineffectual remedy compared with this burning counter-irritant of the + mind. + </p> + <p> + “I do not know that it is true!” she exclaimed. “What right have you to + say such a thing, as if you knew Merton so well, and had weighed him in an + infallible balance and found him wanting! I have heard nothing but + malicious tittle-tattle, a falsehood beneath contempt, set afloat by some + enemy of Merton's. If I could have thought it true for one moment I should + never cease to despise myself. Have you forgotten how you blazed out + against me for speaking my mind about Miss Starbrow when she cast you off? + Yet you did not know her as I know Merton, and how paltry a thing is the + feeling you have for her compared with that which I have for my future + husband! What does it matter to me what they said?—I know him + better. But you have been prejudiced against him from the beginning, for + no other reason but because I loved him. Nothing but selfishness was at + the bottom of that feeling. You imagined that marriage would put an end to + our friendship, and thought nothing about my happiness, but only of your + own.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you believe that of me, Constance?” said Fan, greatly distressed. “Ah, + I remember when we had that trouble about Mary's letter at Eyethorne, you + said that you had not known me until that day. You do not know me now if + you think that your happiness is nothing to me—if you think that it + is less to me than my own.” + </p> + <p> + Her words, her look, the tone of her voice touched Constance to the heart. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Fan, why then do you provoke me to say harsh things?” and then, + turning aside, burst into a passion of weeping and sobs which shook her + whole frame. But when the sobs were exhausted she recovered her serenity: + those violent remedies—anger and tears—had not failed of their + beneficent effect on her mind. + </p> + <p> + On the following day she seemed even cheerful, as if the whole painful + matter had been forgotten. Merton, at all events, seemed to detect no + change in her when he came to take her to the park in the afternoon. Only + to Fan there appeared a shadow in the clear hazel eyes, and a note of + trouble in the voice which had not been there before. + </p> + <p> + In a short time after this incident Fan was taken into the great Regent + Street establishment, and had her mind very fully occupied with her new + duties. One afternoon at the end of her first week the manager came up and + spoke to her. + </p> + <p> + “Are you living with friends?” he said. + </p> + <p> + “I am living with Miss Churton—the lady who came here with me,” she + replied. “But she is going to be married soon, and I must find another + place nearer Regent Street.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, this then will perhaps be a help to you,” and he handed her a card. + “That is the address of a woman who keeps a very quiet respectable + lodging-house. We have known her for years, and if she has a vacancy you + could not do better than go to her.” + </p> + <p> + She thanked him, and took the card gladly. That little act of + thoughtfulness made her feel very happy, and believe that he had a kind + heart in spite of his stern despotic manner. To continue in that belief, + however, required faith on her part, which is the evidence of things not + seen, for he did not go out of his way again to show her any kindness. + </p> + <p> + Next day being Sunday, the girls were able to go together to see the + lodging-house, which was in Charlotte Street in Marylebone, and found the + landlady, Mrs. Grierson, a very fat and good-tempered woman. She took them + to the top floor to show the only vacant room she had; it was fairly large + for a top room, and plainly and decently furnished, and the rent asked was + six-and-sixpence a week. But the good woman was so favourably impressed + with Fan's appearance, and so touched at the flattering recommendation + given by the manager, that at once, and before they had said a word, she + reduced the price to five shillings, and then said that she would be glad + to let it to the young lady for four-and-sixpence a week. The room was + taken there and then, and a few days later the friends separated, one to + settle down in her lonely lodging, the other to be quietly married at a + registry office, without relation or friend to witness the ceremony; after + which the newly-married couple went away to spend their honeymoon at a + distance from London. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0028" id="link2HCH0028"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVIII + </h2> + <p> + For several months after that hasty and somewhat inauspicious marriage—“unsanctified,” + Mrs. Churton would have said—it seemed as if the course of events + had effectually parted the two girls, and that their close friendship was + destined to be less a reality than a memory, so seldom were they able to + meet. From their honeymoon the Chances came back to London only to settle + down at Putney for the remainder of the warm season; and this was far from + Marylebone, and Fan was only able to go there occasionally on a Sunday. + But in September they moved to Chelsea, and for a few weeks the friends + met more often, and Constance frequently called at the Regent Street shop + to see and speak with Fan for two or three minutes. This, however, did not + last. Suddenly the Chances moved again, this time to a country town over + fifty miles from London. Merton had made the discovery that journalism and + not literature was his proper vocation, and had been taken on the staff of + a country weekly newspaper, of which he hoped one day to be editor. The + girls were now further apart than ever, and for months there was no + meeting. But during all this time they corresponded, scarcely a week + passing without an exchange of letters, and this correspondence was at + this period the greatest pleasure in Fan's life. For Constance, next to + Mary, who was lost to her, was the being she loved most on earth; nor did + she feel love only. She was filled with gratitude because her friend, + although married to such a soul-filling person as Merton Chance, was not + forgetful of her humble existence, but constantly thought of her and sent + her long delightful letters, and was always wishing and hoping to be near + her again. And yet, strange contradiction! in her heart of hearts she + greatly pitied her friend. Sometimes Constance would write glowing + accounts of her husband's triumphs—an article accepted perhaps, a + flattering letter from a magazine editor, a favourable notice in a + newspaper, or some new scheme which would bring them fame and fortune. But + if she had written to say that Merton actually had become famous, that all + England was ringing with his praise, that publishers and editors were + running after him with blank cheques in their hands, imploring him to give + them a book, an article, she would still have pitied her friend. For that + was Fan's nature. When a thing once entered into her mind there was no + getting it out again. Mary to others might be a fantastical woman, + heartless, a fiend incarnate if they liked, but the simple faith in her + goodness, the old idolatrous affection still ruled in her heart. The + thoughts and feelings which had swayed her in childhood swayed her still; + and the gospel of the carpenter Cawood was the only gospel she knew. And + as to Merton, the contemptuous judgment Mary had passed on him had become + her judgment; the words she had heard of him in the train were absolutely + true; he had deceived his wife with lies; he was weak and vain and fickle, + one it was a disaster to love and lean upon. Love, gratitude, and pity + stirred her heart when she thought of Constance, and while the pity was + kept secret the love was freely and frequently expressed, and from week to + week she told the story of her life to her sympathetic friend—all + its little incidents, trials, and successes. + </p> + <p> + There was little to break the monotony of her life out of business hours + at this period; and it was perhaps fortunate for her that she usually came + home tired in the evening, wishing for rest rather than for distraction. + There was nothing in that part of London to make walking attractive. The + Regent's Park was close by, it is true, and thither she was accustomed to + go for a walk on Sundays, except when one or other of her new + acquaintances in the shop, living with her own people, invited her to + dinner or tea. But on weekdays, especially in winter, when the streets + were sloppy, and the atmosphere grey and damp, there was no inducement to + take her out. In such conditions Marylebone is as depressing a district as + any in London. The streets have a dull monotonous appearance, and the + ancient unvenerable houses are grimy to blackness with the accumulation of + soot on them. The inhabitants, especially in that portion of Marylebone + where Fan lived, form a strange mixture. Artists, men of letters, sober + tradesmen, artisans, day labourers, students, shop-assistants, and + foreigners—dynamiters, adventurers, and waiters waiting for places—may + all be found living in one short street. Bohemianism, vice, + respectability, wealth and poverty, are jumbled together as in no other + district in London. The modest wife, coming out of her door at ten in the + morning to do her marketing, meets, face to face, her next neighbour + standing at <i>her</i> door, a jug in her hand, waiting for some late + milkman to pass—a slovenly dame in a dressing-gown with half the + buttons off, primrose-coloured hair loose on her back, and a porcelain + complexion hastily dabbed on a yellow dissipated face. The Maryleboners + (or bonites) being a Happy Family, in the menagerie sense, do not vex + their souls about this condition of things; the well-fed and the hungry, + the pure and the impure, are near together, but in soul they are just as + far apart as elsewhere. + </p> + <p> + Nevertheless, to a young girl like Fan, living alone, and beautiful to the + eye, the large amount of immorality around her was a serious trouble, and + she never ventured out in the evening, even to go a short distance, + without trepidation and a fast-beating heart, so strong was that old + loathing and horror the leering looks and insolent advances of dissolute + men inspired in her. And in no part of London are such men more numerous. + When the shadows of evening fall their thoughts “lightly turn” to the + tired shop-girl, just released from her long hours of standing and + serving, and the surveillance perhaps of a tyrannical shop-walker who + makes her life a burden. Her cheap black dress, pale face, and wistful + eyes betray her. She is so tired, so hungry for a little recreation, + something to give a little brightness and colour to her grey life, so + unprotected and weak to resist—how easy to compass her destruction! + The long evenings were lonely in her room, but it was safe there, and + sitting before her fire writing to Constance, or thinking of her, and + reading again one of the small collection of books she had brought from + Eyethorne, the hours would pass not too slowly. + </p> + <p> + At length when the long cold season was drawing to an end, when the mud in + the streets dried into fine dust for the mad March winds to whirl about, + and violets and daffodils were cheap enough for Fan to buy, and she looked + eagerly forward to walks in the grassy park at the end of each day, during + those long summer evenings when the sun hangs low and does not set, the + glad tidings reached her that the Chances were coming back to London. + Journalism, in a country town at all events, had proved a failure, and + Merton, with some new scheme in his brain, was once more about to return + to the great intellectual centre, which, he now said, he ought never to + have left. + </p> + <p> + “Most men when they want something done,” he remarked, “have a vile way of + getting the wrong person to do it. Here have I been wasting my flowers on + this bovine public—whole clusters every week to those who have no + sense of smell and no eye for form and colour. What they want is ensilage—a + coarse fare suited to ruminants.” + </p> + <p> + A few days afterwards Constance wrote from Norland Square in Notting Hill + asking Fan to visit her as soon as convenient. Fan got the letter on a + Saturday morning, and when the shop closed at two she hastened home to + change her dress, and then started for Norland Square, where she arrived + about half-past three o'clock. + </p> + <p> + There is no greater happiness on earth, and we can imagine no greater in + heaven, than that which is experienced by two loving friends on meeting + again after a long separation; that is, when the reunion has not been too + long delayed. If new interests and feelings have not obscured the old, if + Time has written no “strange defeatures” on the soul, and the image + treasured by memory corresponds with the reality, then the communion of + heart with heart seems sweeter than it ever seemed before its + interruption. And this happiness, this rapture of the soul which makes + life seem angelic for a season, the two friends now experienced in full + measure. For an hour they sat together, holding each other's hands, + feeling a strange inexpressible pleasure in merely listening to the sound + of each other's voices, noting the familiar tones, the old expressions, + the rippling laughter so long unheard, and in gazing into each other's + eyes, bright with the lustre of joy, and tender with love almost to tears. + </p> + <p> + “Fan,” said her friend, holding her a little away in order to see her + better, “I have been distressing myself about you in vain. I could not + help thinking that there would be one change after all this time, that + your skin would lose that delicacy which makes you look so unfitted for + work of any kind. There would be, I thought, a little of that unwholesome + pallor and the tired look one so often sees in girls who are confined in + shops and have to stand all day on their feet. But you have the same fresh + look and pure delicate skin; nothing alters you. I do believe that you + will never change at all, however long you may live, and never grow old.” + </p> + <p> + “Or clever and wise like you,” laughed the other. + </p> + <p> + The result of Fan's inspection of her friend's face was not equally + satisfactory; for although Constance had not lost her rich colour nor + grown thin, there was a look of trouble in the clear hazel eyes—the + shadow which had first come there when the girls had overheard a + conversation about Merton in the train, only the shadow was more + persistent now. + </p> + <p> + “I expect Merton home at five,” she said, “and then we'll have tea.” Fan + noticed that when she spoke of her husband that shadow of trouble did not + grow less. And by-and-by, putting her arm round the other's neck, she + spoke. + </p> + <p> + “Dearest Constance, shall I tell you one change I see in you? You are + unhappy about something. Why will you not let me share your trouble? We + were such dear friends always, ever since that day in the woods when you + asked me why I disliked you. Must it be different now because you are + married?” + </p> + <p> + “It must be a little different in some things,” she replied gravely, and + averting her eyes. “I love you as much as I ever did, and shall never have + another friend like you in the world. But, Fan, a husband must have the + first place in a wife's heart, and no friend, however dear, can be fully + taken into their confidence. We are none of us quite happy, or have + everything we desire in our lives; and the only difference now is that I + can't tell you quite all my little secret troubles, as I hope you will + always tell me yours until you marry. Do you not see that it must be so?” + </p> + <p> + “If it must be, Constance. But it seems hard, and—I am not sure that + you are right.” + </p> + <p> + “I have, like everyone else, only my own feelings of what is right to + guide me. And now let us talk of something else—of dear old + Eyethorne again.” + </p> + <p> + It was curious to note the change that had come over her mind with regard + to Eyethorne; and how persistently she returned to the subject of her life + there, appearing to find a melancholy pleasure in dwelling on it. How she + had despised its narrowness then—its stolid ignorances and + prejudices, the dull, mean virtues on which it prided itself, the + malicious gossip in which it took delight—and had chafed at the + thought of her wasted years! Now all those things that had vexed her + seemed trivial and even unreal. She thought less of men and women and more + of nature, the wide earth, so tender and variable in its tints, yet so + stable, the far-off dim horizon and infinite heaven, the procession of the + seasons, the everlasting freshness and glory. It was all so sweet and + peaceful, and the years had not been wasted which had been spent in + dreaming. What beautiful dreams had kept her company there—dreams of + the future, of all she would accomplish in life, of all life's + possibilities! Oh no, not possibilities; for there was nothing in actual + life to correspond with those imaginings. Not more unlike were those + Turner canvases, daubed over with dull earthy paint, to the mysterious + shadowy depths, the crystal purity, the evanescent splendours of nature at + morn and noon and eventide, than was this married London life to the life + she had figured in her dreams. That was the reality, the true life, and + this that was called reality only a crude and base imitation. They were + still talking of Eyethorne when Merton returned; but not alone, for he + brought a friend with him, a young gentleman whom he introduced as Arthur + Eden. He had not expected to find Fan with his wife, and a shade of + annoyance passed over his face when he saw her. But in a moment it was + gone, and seizing her hand he greeted her with exaggerated cordiality. + </p> + <p> + Constance welcomed her unexpected guest pleasantly, yet his coming + disturbed her a good deal; for they were poor, living in a poor way, their + only sitting-room where they took their meals being small and musty and + mean-looking, with its rickety chairs and sofa covered with cheap + washed-out cretonne, its faded carpet and vulgar little gimcrack ornaments + on the mantelpiece. And this friend gave one the idea that her husband had + fallen from a somewhat better position in life than he was now in. There + was an intangible something about him which showed him to be one of those + favoured children of destiny who are placed above the need of a “career,” + who dress well and live delicately, and have nothing to do in life but to + extract all the sweetness there is in it. Very good-looking was this Mr. + Eden, with an almost feminine beauty. Crisp brown hair, with a touch of + chestnut in it, worn short and parted in the middle; low forehead, + straight, rather thin nose, refined mouth and fine grey eyes. The face did + not lack intelligence, but the predominant expression was indolent + good-nature; it was colourless, and looked jaded and <i>blasé</i> for one + so young, his age being about twenty-four. The most agreeable thing in him + was his voice, which, although subdued, had that quality of tenderness and + resonance more common in Italy than in our moist, thick-throated island; + and it was pleasant to hear his light ready laugh, musical as a woman's. + In his voice and easy quiet manner he certainly contrasted very favourably + with his friend. Merton was loud and incessant in his talk, and walked + about and gesticulated, and spoke with an unnecessary emphasis, a sham + earnestness, which more than once called an anxious look to his wife's + expressive face. + </p> + <p> + “What do you think, Connie!” he cried. “In Piccadilly I ran against old + Eden after not having seen him for over five years! I was never so + overjoyed at meeting anyone in my life! We were at school together at + Winchester, you know, and then he went to Cambridge—lucky dog! And I—but + what does it matter where I went?—to some wretched crammer, I + suppose. Since I lost sight of him he has been all over the world—India, + Japan, America—no end of places, enjoying life and enlarging his + mind, while I was wasting the best years of my life at that confounded + Foreign Office.” + </p> + <p> + “I shouldn't mind wasting the rest of <i>my</i> life in it,” said his + friend with a slight laugh. + </p> + <p> + “Now just listen to me,” said Merton, squaring himself before the other, + and prepared to launch out concerning the futility of life in the Foreign + Office; but Constance at that moment interposed to say that tea was + waiting. She had herself taken the tea-things from the general servant, + who had brought them to the door, and was a slatternly girl, not + presentable. + </p> + <p> + “I must tell you, Connie,” began Merton, as soon as they were seated, for + he had forgotten all about the other subject by this time, “that when I + met Eden this afternoon he at once agreed to accompany me home to make + your acquaintance, and take pot-luck with us. Of course I have told him + all about our present circumstances, that we are not settled yet, and + living in a kind of Bohemian fashion.” + </p> + <p> + Eden on his side made several attempts to converse with the ladies, but + they were not very successful, for Merton, although engaged in consuming + cold mutton and pickles with great zest, would not allow them to wander + off from his own affairs. + </p> + <p> + “I have something grand to tell you, Arthur” he went on, not noticing his + wife's uncomfortable state of mind, and frequent glances in his direction. + “You know all about what I am doing just now. Not bad stuff, I believe. + The editors who know me will take as much of it as I care to give them. + But I am not going to settle down into a mere magazine writer, although + just at present it serves my purpose to scatter a few papers about among + the periodicals. But in a short time I intend to make a new departure. I + dare say it will rather astonish you to hear about it.” + </p> + <p> + His grand idea, he proceeded to say, was to write a story—the first + of a series—that would be no story at all in the ordinary sense, + since it would have no plot or plan or purpose of any kind. Nor would + there be analysis and description—nothing to skip, in fact. The + people of his brain would do nothing and say nothing—at all events + there would be no dialogue. The characters would be mere faint + pencil-marks—something less than shadows. + </p> + <p> + Tea was over by the time this subject was exhausted; Eden's curiosity + about his friend's projected novel, described so far by negatives only, + had apparently subsided, for he managed to turn the conversation to some + other subject; and presently Constance was persuaded to sit down to the + piano. She played under difficulties on the dismal old lodging-house + instrument, but declined to sing, alleging a cold, of which there was no + evidence. Merton turned the music for her, and for the first time his + friend found an opportunity of exchanging a few words with Fan. When first + introduced to her their eyes had met for a moment, and his had brightened + with an expression of agreeable surprise; afterwards during tea, when the + flow of Merton's inconsequent chatter had made conversation impossible, + his eyes had wandered frequently to her face as if they found it pleasant + to rest there. + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Chance plays skilfully,” he said. “Merton is fortunate in such a + wife.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes; but I like her singing best. I am sorry she can't sing this evening, + as it is always such a treat to me to listen to her.” + </p> + <p> + “But you will sing presently, Miss Affleck, will you not? I have been + waiting to ask you.” + </p> + <p> + “I neither sing nor play, Mr. Eden. In music, as in everything else that + requires study and taste, I am a perfect contrast to my friend.” + </p> + <p> + “I fancy you are depreciating yourself too much. But it surprises me to + hear that you don't sing. I always fancy that I can distinguish a musical + person in a crowd, and you, in the expression of your face, in your + movements, and most of all in your voice, seemed to reveal the musical + soul.” + </p> + <p> + “Did you really imagine all that?” returned Fan, reddening a little. “I am + so sorry you were mistaken, for I do love music so much.” And then as he + said nothing, but continued regarding her with some curiosity, she added + naïvely, “I'm afraid, Mr. Eden, that I have very little intellect.” + </p> + <p> + He laughed and answered, “You must let me judge for myself about that.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Eden was musical himself, although his constitutional indolence had + prevented him from becoming a proficient in the art. Still, he could sing + a limited number of songs correctly, accompanying himself, and he was + heard at his best in a room in which the four walls were not too far + apart, as his voice lacked strength, while good in quality. + </p> + <p> + About nine o'clock Fan came in from the next room with her hat and jacket + on to say good-bye. Mr. Eden started up with alacrity and begged her to + let him see her home. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, thank you, Mr. Eden, but you need not trouble,” she returned. “I am + going to take an omnibus close by in the Uxbridge Road.” + </p> + <p> + “Then you must let me see you safely in it,” he said; and as he insisted + that it was time for him to go she could no longer refuse. The door closed + behind them after many jocular words of farewell from Merton, and husband + and wife were left to finish their evening in privacy. + </p> + <p> + “Is it far to your home?” asked Eden. + </p> + <p> + “I live in Marylebone,” she replied, giving a rather wide address. + </p> + <p> + “But is that too far to walk? I fancy I know where Marylebone is—north + of Oxford Street. Will it tire you very much to walk?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh no, I love walking, but at night I couldn't walk that distance by + myself, and so must ride.” + </p> + <p> + “Then do let me see you home. You are an intimate friend of the Chances, + and I am so anxious, now that I have met Merton, to hear something more + about them. Perhaps you would not mind telling me what you know about + their life and prospects.” + </p> + <p> + “I will walk if you wish, Mr. Eden,” she returned after a moment's + hesitation. “Mrs. Chance is my friend, and she was my teacher for a year + in the country, before she married. But I couldn't tell you anything about + their prospects, I know so little.” + </p> + <p> + “Still, you know a great deal more about them than I do, and my only + motive in seeking information is—well, not a bad one. I might be + able to give them a little help in their struggles. It strikes me that + Merton is not going quite the right way to work to get on in life, and + that his wife is not too happy. Do you think I am right?” + </p> + <p> + And the conversation thus begun continued very nearly to the end of their + long walk, Fan, little by little unfolding the story of her friend's life + in the country, of the journey to London, the sudden marriage; but + concerning Merton, his occupations and prospects, she could tell him next + to nothing, and her secret thoughts about him were not disclosed, in spite + of many ingenious little attempts on her companion's part to pry into her + mind. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Affleck,” he said at length, “I feel the greatest respect for your + motives in concealing what you do from me, for I know there is more to + tell if you chose to tell it. But I am not blind; I can see a great deal + for myself. I fear that your friend has made a terrible mistake in tying + herself to Merton. At school he was considered a clever fellow, and + afterwards when he got his clerkship, his friends—he had some + friends then—would have backed him to win in the race of life. But + he has fallen off greatly since then. It is plain to see that he drinks, + and he has also become an incorrigible liar—” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Eden!” exclaimed Fan. + </p> + <p> + “Do you imagine, Miss Affleck, that there is one atom of truth in all he + says about his interest with editors, and his forthcoming books, and the + rest? Do you think it really the truth that he was insane enough to throw + up his clerkship at the Foreign Office which would have kept want from + him, at all events, and from his wife?” + </p> + <p> + “I cannot say—I do not know,” answered Fan; then added, somewhat + illogically, “But it is so very sad for Constance! I don't want to judge + him, I only want to hope.” + </p> + <p> + “I wish to hope too—and to help if I can. I have tried to help him + to-day, but now I fear that I have made a mistake, and that his wife will + not thank me.” + </p> + <p> + “What have you done, Mr. Eden? Is it a secret, or something you can tell + me?” + </p> + <p> + He did not answer at once; the question, although it pleased him, required + a little rapid consideration. He had been greatly attracted by Fan, and + had observed her keenly all the evening, and had arrived at the conclusion + that she was deeply attached to her friend Mrs. Chance, but was by no + means a believer in or an admirer of Mr. Chance. All this provided him + with an excellent subject of conversation during their long walk; for in + some vague way he had formed the purpose of touching the heart-strings of + this rare girl with grey pathetic eyes. Accordingly he affected an + interest, which he was far from feeling, in his friend's affairs, + expressing indignation at his conduct, and sympathy with his wife, and + everything he said found a ready echo in the girl's heart. In this way he + had gone far towards winning her confidence, and establishing a kind of + friendly feeling between them. That little tentative speech about his + mistake had produced the right effect and had made her anxious; it would + serve his purpose best, he concluded, to satisfy her curiosity. + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps I had no right to say what I did,” he answered at length, “as it + is a secret. But I will tell it to you all the same, because I feel sure + that I can trust you, and because we are both friends of the Chances and + interested in their welfare, and anxious about them. When I met Merton + to-day I was a little surprised at his manner and conversation, but in the + end I set it down to excitement at meeting with an old friend. I was + anxious not to believe that he had been drinking, and I did not know that + most of the things he told me were rank falsehoods. He said that he was + doing very well as a writer, and that he required fifty pounds to make up + a sum to purchase an interest in a weekly paper, and asked me to lend it + to him, which I did. I am now convinced that what he told me was not the + truth, and that in lending him fifty pounds I have gone the wrong way + about helping him, and fear very much—please don't think me cynical + for saying it—that he will keep out of my sight as much as he can. I + regret it for his wife's sake. He might have known that I could have + helped him in other and better ways.” + </p> + <p> + Fan made no remark, and presently he continued: + </p> + <p> + “But let us talk of something else now. Are you fond of reading novels, + Miss Affleck?—if it is not impertinent in me to speak on such a + subject just after we have heard Merton's harangue on the subject.” + </p> + <p> + Of novels they accordingly talked for the next half-hour; but Fan, rather + to his surprise, had read very few of the books of the day about which he + spoke. + </p> + <p> + They were near the end of their walk now. + </p> + <p> + “Let me say one thing more about our friends before we separate,” he said. + “I do not believe that I shall see much of Merton now, as I said before. + But I shall be very anxious to know how they get on, and you of course + will know. Will you allow me to call at your house and see you sometimes?” + </p> + <p> + “That would be impossible, Mr. Eden.” + </p> + <p> + “Why?” he asked in surprise. + </p> + <p> + “I must tell you, Mr. Eden—I wish Mr. Chance had told you to prevent + mistakes—that I am only a very poor girl. I am in a shop in Regent + Street, and have only one room in the house where I lodge. I have no + relations in the world, and no friends except Constance.” + </p> + <p> + “Is that so?” he said, his tone betraying his surprise. And with the + surprise he felt was mingled disgust—disgust with himself for having + so greatly mistaken her position, and with Destiny for having placed her + so low. But the disgust very quickly passed away, and was succeeded by a + different feeling—one of satisfaction if not of positive elation. + </p> + <p> + “This is my door, Mr. Eden,” said Fan, pausing before one of the dark, + grimy-looking houses in the monotonous street they had entered. + </p> + <p> + “I am sorry to part with you so soon,” he returned. “I do hope that we + shall meet again some day, and I should be so glad, Miss Affleck, if in + future you could think that Mrs. Chance is not your only friend in the + world. Whether we are destined to meet or not again, I should so like you + to think that I am also your friend.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, Mr. Eden, I shall be glad to think of you as a friend,” she + replied with simple frankness. + </p> + <p> + That speech and the glance of shy pleasure which accompanied it almost + tempted him to say more, but he hesitated, and finally concluded not to go + further just then; and after opening the door for her with her humble + latchkey, he shook hands and said good-night. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0029" id="link2HCH0029"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIX + </h2> + <p> + Before leaving Fan at her own door Mr. Eden did not neglect to make a + mental note of the number, although to make it out was not easy owing to + the obscure veil that time, weather, and London smoke had thrown over the + gilded figures. From Charlotte Street he walked slowly and thoughtfully to + his rooms in Albemarle Street. “I feel too tired to go anywhere to-night,” + he said. “From the remotest wilds of Notting Hill to the eastern + boundaries of Marylebone—a long walk even with such a companion. + That young person I took for a lady is an all-round fraud. That delicate + style of beauty is very deceptive; she would walk a camel off its legs.” + </p> + <p> + A fire was burning brightly in his sitting-room; and throwing himself into + a comfortable easy-chair before it, he lit a cigar, and began to think + about things in general. + </p> + <p> + He did not feel quite settled in his London rooms, which he had taken + furnished, and in which he had lived off and on for a period of eighteen + months. He was always thinking of going abroad again to resume the + wanderings which had been prematurely ended by the tidings of his father's + death. But he was indolent, a lover of pleasure, with plenty of money, and + a year and a half had slipped insensibly by. There was no need to do + things in a hurry, he said; his inclination was everything: when he had a + mind to travel he would travel, and when it suited his mood he would rest + at home. He did not care very much about anything. His teachers had failed + to make anything of him. + </p> + <p> + His father, who had retired from the military profession rather early in + life, had wished him to go into the army; but he was not urgent, speaking + to him less like a father to a son than a middle-aged gentleman to a young + friend in whom he took a considerable interest, but who was his own + master. “It's all very well to say 'Go into the army,'” his son would + answer; “but I can't do it in the way you did, and I strongly object to + the competitive system.” And so the matter ended. + </p> + <p> + It was perhaps in a great measure due to his easygoing, unambitious + character that he had not taken actively to evil courses. The poet is no + doubt right when he says: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Satan finds some mischief still + For idle hands to do. +</pre> + <p> + But it is after all a small amount of mischief and of a somewhat mild + description compared with that which he inspires in the busy, pushing, + energetic man. But in spite of his moral debility and his small sympathy + with enthusiasms of any kind, he was much liked by those who knew him. In + a quiet way he was observant, and not without humour, which gave a + pleasant flavour to his conversation. Moreover he was good-tempered, even + to those who bored him, slow to take offence, easily conciliated, never + supercilious, generous. + </p> + <p> + “What has come to Merton?” he said. “Confound the fellow! I used to think + him so quiet, but now he would talk a donkey's hind-leg off. He's going to + the dogs, I think, and I'm sorry I met him.... No, not sorry, since + through meeting him I have made the acquaintance of that exquisite + girl.... If I know what it is to be in love—and do I not?—I + fancy I am beginning to feel the symptoms of that sweet sickness. I could + not think of such a face and feel well. I must try to get her photo and + have it enlarged; Mills could do a beautiful water-colour portrait from + it.... Figure slim, and a most perfect complexion, with a colour delicate + as the blush on the petals of some white flower. Nose straight enough and + of the right size. It is possible to love, as I happen to know, women with + insignificant noses, but impossible not to feel some contempt for them at + the same time. Mouth—well, of a girl or woman, not a suckling—not + the facial disfigurement called a rose-bud mouth, which has as little + attraction for me as the Connemara or even the Zulu mouth. But how + describe it, since the poets have not taught me? The painters manage these + things better; but even their prince, Rossetti, has nothing on his + canvases to compare with this delicate feature. Hair, golden-brown, very + bright; for it does not lie like grass, beaten flat and sodden with rain; + it is fluffy, loose, crisp, with little stray tresses on forehead, neck, + and temples. About her eyes, those windows of the soul, I can only say—nothing. + Something in their grey, mysterious depths haunts me like music. I don't + know what it is. I have loved many a girl, from the northern with arsenic + complexion, china-blue eyes, and canary-coloured hair, to the divine image + cut in ebony, as some one piously and prettily says, but I doubt that I + have felt quite in this way before. Yet she is not clever, as she says, + and is only a poor shop-girl, her surname Affleck—that quaint, + plebeian name with its curious associations! I must not forget to ask + Merton to tell me her history. I shall certainly see him to-morrow, + although perhaps for the last time. Fifty pounds should be enough to pay + for the information I require. And that reminds me to ask myself a + question—Is it my intention to follow up this adventure? She is a + friend of Mrs. Chance, and since I met her at my friend's house, would it + be a right thing to do? A nice question, but why bother my brains about + it? One can't trust to appearances; but if she is what she looks no harm + will come to her. If she is like other girls of her class, not too pure + and good for human nature's daily food, then the result might be—not + at all unpleasant.... Women, pretty girls even, are very cheap in England—a + drug in the market, as any young man not positively a gorilla of ugliness + must know. It rather saddens me to think what I could do, without being a + King Solomon. But for this young girl who is not clever, and lodges in + Charlotte Street, and goes every day to her shop, I think I could make a + fool of myself. And make her happy perhaps. She should have not only a + shelter from the storm and the tempest, but everything her heart could + desire.... And if the opportunity offers, why should I not make her happy + in the way she might like? Is it bad to wish to possess a beautiful girl? + I fancy I have that part of my nature by inheritance. My amiable + progenitor was, in this respect, something of a rascal, as someone says of + the pious Æneas. Only at last he became religious, and repented of all his + sins: the devil was sick, the devil a saint would be.... After all, if we + are powerless to shape our own destinies, if what is to be will be, how + idle to discuss such a question, to array conscience and inclination + against one another, like two sets of wooden marionettes made to advance + and retire by pulling at the strings! This battle in the brain, which may + be fought out till not an opponent is left alive on one side, all in the + course of half an hour, is only a mock battle—a mere farce. The real + battle will be a bigger affair and last much longer, and a whole galaxy of + gods will be looking down assisting now this side and now that—Chance, + Time, Circumstance, and others too numerous to mention. This, then, is my + conclusion—I am in the hands of destiny: <i>che sara sara</i>.” + </p> + <p> + When Merton, after bidding good-night to his guests at the street-door, + returned to the sitting-room where he had left his wife he did not find + her there; in the bedroom he discovered her with tear-stains on her face. + </p> + <p> + The smile faded from his lips, he forgot the things he had come to say, + and sitting down by her side he took her hand in his, but without + speaking. He knew why she had been crying. He loved his wife as much as it + was in his power to love anyone after himself, and to some extent he + appreciated her. He recognised in her a very pure and beautiful spirit, a + great depth of affection, and a clear, cultivated intellect, yet without + any of that offensive pride and insolent scorn which so often accompanies + freedom of thought in a woman and makes her contrast so badly with her + old-fashioned Christian sister. He did not rate her powers very highly, + not high enough in fact, so as to compensate for the excessive esteem in + which he held his own; nevertheless she was to him a lovely, even a gifted + woman, and, what was more, she loved him and took him at his own + valuation, and had linked her life with his when his fortunes were at + their lowest. He was always very tender with her, and had never yet, even + in his occasional moments of irritation and despondence, spoken an unkind + word to her. During the evening he had not failed to notice that she was + ill at ease, and he rightly divined that something in himself had been the + cause; nor was he at a loss to guess what that something was. Yet he had + not allowed the thought to trouble him overmuch; at all events it had made + no perceptible difference in his manner, his elation at the thought of the + fifty pounds he was going to receive causing this little shadow to seem a + very small matter. Now he was troubled by a feeling of compunction, and + when he spoke at length it was in a gentle, pleading tone. + </p> + <p> + “Connie,” he said, “I needn't ask you why you have been crying. I have + offended you so many times that I know the signs only too well.” + </p> + <p> + “That is a reproach I do not deserve, Merton,” she returned. + </p> + <p> + “I am not reproaching you, dear, but myself for giving you pain.” + </p> + <p> + “Have I shown myself so hard to please, so ready to take offence, that you + know the signs of disapproval so well?” + </p> + <p> + “No, Connie; on the contrary. But my eyes are quick to see disapproval, as + yours are quick to see anything wrong in me. And I would not have it + different.” After a while he continued, a little anxiously, “Do you think + our visitor—I mean Eden, for I care nothing about Fan—noticed + any signs of—noticed what you did?” + </p> + <p> + “How can I tell, Merton? He looked a little tired, I thought.” + </p> + <p> + “Did he look tired? And yet I think I talked well.” She made no reply, and + he continued, “Of course, Connie, you thought I seemed too excited—that + I had been taking stimulants. Is it not so?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I thought that,” she replied, averting her eyes, and in a tone of + deep pain. “Oh, Merton, is this going to continue until it grows into a + habit? It will break my heart!” + </p> + <p> + “My dear girl, you needn't imagine anything so terrible. You can trust me + to keep my word. I shall become a total abstainer; not because alcohol has + now or ever can have any fatal attraction for me, but solely because you + wish it, Connie. I confess that to-day I came home unusually excited, but + it was not because I had exceeded. It was because I had met with an + unexpected stroke of good luck. When I met Eden to-day, and was telling + him about my new career and my struggles as a beginner, he at once very + kindly offered to lend me fifty pounds to assist me.” + </p> + <p> + “And are you going to borrow money from your friend?” + </p> + <p> + “I should not think of asking him for money; but when he offered me this + small sum—for to him it <i>is</i> small—I could not think of + refusing. It would have been foolish when our funds are so low, and I + shall soon be in a position to repay him.” + </p> + <p> + “And you took the money?” + </p> + <p> + “No, I am to have it to-morrow. I am going to meet him at his club.” + </p> + <p> + “I wish, Merton, that you could do without this fifty pounds,” she said + after a while. “I see no prospect of repaying it, there is so little + coming in. And I seem unable to help you in the least—my last + manuscript came back to-day, declined like the others. I am afraid that + this borrowing will do us more harm than good. It is the way to lose your + friends, I think, and the friendship of a man in Mr. Eden's position + should be worth more to you than fifty pounds, even looking at the matter + in a purely interested way.” + </p> + <p> + “You need not fear, Connie. Besides, even if you are right in what you + say, I should really prefer to have this little help than Eden's + friendship. You see he is a mere butterfly, without any interest in things + of the mind, and it is not likely that he will be very much to us in our + new life, which will be among intellectual and artistic people, I hope.” + </p> + <p> + “With so poor an opinion of him I can't imagine how you can take his money + and lay yourself under so great an obligation.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh, Connie, the obligation will be very light indeed. In three or four + months the money will be repaid, and he will think as little about it as + he does of inviting me to lunch or giving me a good cigar. I shall always + be friendly with him, and invite him sometimes to see us when we are + comfortably established; but he is not a man I should ever wish to grapple + to my breast with hooks of steel. And so you see, wifie dear, you have + been making yourself unhappy without sufficient cause. And now won't you + kiss and forgive me, and acknowledge that I am not so black as your + imagination painted me?” + </p> + <p> + She kissed him freely, and accepted as simple truth the explanation he had + given of his excited condition during the evening; nevertheless, she was + not quite happy in her mind. The return of that last manuscript—a + long article which had cost her much pains to write, and about which she + had been very hopeful—had made her sore, and he had paid no + attention to what she had said about it, and the words of sympathy and + encouragement she had looked for had not been spoken. Then it had jarred + on her mind to hear her husband talk so disparagingly of the friend from + whom he was borrowing money. She had herself formed a better opinion of + Mr. Eden's character and capabilities. And about the borrowing, what he + had said had not altered her mind; but it was her way whenever she + disagreed with her husband to reason and even plead with him, and if she + then found, as she generally did, that he still adhered to his own view, + to yield the point and say no more about it. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0030" id="link2HCH0030"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXX + </h2> + <p> + Next day the friends met at Eden's club, and after lunching they had an + hour's conversation in the smoking-room. But their characters of the + previous evening now seemed to be reversed—Eden talked and the other + listened. An inexplicable change had come over the loquacious man of + letters; he listened and seemed to be on his guard, drinking little, and + saying nothing about his plans and prospects. “Damn the fellow, I can't + make him out at all,” thought Eden, vexed that the other gave him no + opportunity of introducing the subject he had been thinking so much about. + He did not wish to introduce it himself, but in the end he was compelled + to do so. + </p> + <p> + “By the way, Merton, before I forget it,” he said at length, “tell me + about Miss Affleck, whom I met at your house last evening.” + </p> + <p> + Merton glanced at him and did not appear to be pleased at the question. + “Oh, I see,” thought his friend, “the subject is not one that he finds + agreeable. I must know why.” + </p> + <p> + “She is a friend of my wife's, but I have never seen much of her,” replied + Merton. “She is an orphan, without money or expectations, I believe.” + After an interval he added—“But I dare say you know as much as I can + tell you about her, as you walked home or part of the way home with her + last evening.” + </p> + <p> + This of course was a mere guess on Merton's part. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I did, but I didn't question her, and I wanted to know where her + people came from, the Afflecks—” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I can soon satisfy your curiosity on that point. That is really not + her name. She was adopted or something by a lady who took an interest in + her for some reason, or for no reason, and who thought proper to give her + that name because Miss Affleck's real surname didn't please her.” + </p> + <p> + “What was her real name?” + </p> + <p> + “I can't remember. Barnes, or Thompson, or Wilkins—one of those sort + of names.” + </p> + <p> + “And how came the lady to call her Affleck?” + </p> + <p> + “A mere fancy for an uncommon name, I believe, and because Frances Affleck + sounded better than Frances Green or Black or anything she could think of. + Of course she didn't really adopt the girl at all, but she brought her up + and educated her.” + </p> + <p> + Eden was not yet satisfied with what he had heard, and as Merton seemed + inclined to drop the subject, which was not what he wanted, he remarked + tentatively: + </p> + <p> + “How curious then that Miss Affleck should now be compelled to make her + own living as a shop-assistant!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you got that out of her!” exclaimed Merton, in a tone of undisguised + annoyance. + </p> + <p> + “Don't say I got it out of her,” returned the other a little sharply. “I + did not question her about her affairs, of course. She gave me that + information quite spontaneously. I can't remember what it was that brought + the subject up.” Here he paused to reflect, remarking mentally, “This + fellow is teaching me to be as great a liar as he is himself.” Then he + continued—“Ah, yes, I remember now; we were talking about books, and + I asked her why she had not read all the popular novels I mentioned, and + then she explained her position.” + </p> + <p> + “Then,” said Merton, transferring his resentment to Fan, “I think it would + have shown better taste if she had been a little more reticent with a + stranger about her private affairs; more especially with one she has met + in my house. For she knows that she took to this life against our wishes + and advice, and that by so doing she has placed a great distance between + herself and Mrs. Chance.” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps you are right. It is certainly a rare thing in England to see a + young lady in Miss Affleck's position so well suited in appearance and + manner to mix with those who are better placed.” + </p> + <p> + “Quite so. She was never intended for her present station in life. And + since you know what you do know about her through her own want of + discretion, you must let me explain how she comes to be a visitor in my + house, and received as a friend by my wife. My wife's father, a retired + barrister living on a small and not very productive estate of his own in + Wiltshire, consented to receive Miss Affleck to reside for a year in his + house, and during that time my wife gave her instruction. Unhappily the + lady who had made Miss Affleck her <i>protégée,</i> and who happens to be + an extremely crotchety and violent-tempered woman, so full of fads and + fancies that she is more suited to be in a lunatic asylum than at large—” + </p> + <p> + “Old, I suppose?” remarked Eden, amused at this sudden flow of talk. + </p> + <p> + “Old? Well, yes; getting on, I should say. One of those bewigged and + painted wretches that hate to be thought over forty. Well, for some + unexplained reason,—probably because Miss Affleck was young and + pretty and attracted too much admiration—she quarrelled with the + poor girl and cast her off. It was a barbarous thing to do, and we would + gladly have given her a home, and my wife's mother also offered to help + her. But as she wished not to be dependent, Mrs. Chance was anxious to get + her a place as governess or school-teacher. The girl, however, who is + strangely obstinate, would not be persuaded, and eventually got this + situation for herself. This explains what you have heard, and what must + have surprised you very much. Out of pity for the girl, who had been + hardly treated, and because of my wife's affection for her, I have allowed + this thing to continue, and have not given her to understand that by + taking her own course in opposition to our wishes, she has cut herself off + from her friends.” + </p> + <p> + Eden, as we know, had become possessed of the idea that Merton would not + tell the truth if a lie could serve his purpose equally well, and he did + not therefore attach much importance to what he had heard. Nevertheless, + it pleased him. Merton was evidently ashamed at having a shop-girl + received as an equal by his wife, and would be glad, like the bewigged and + evil-tempered old woman he had spoken of, to cast her off. “His house!” + thought Eden contemptuously; “a couple of wretched rooms in the shabby + neighbourhood of Norland Square.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” he said, rising and looking at his watch, “it is greatly to be + regretted that she did not follow your wife's advice, as there is no + question that she is too good for her present station in life.” + </p> + <p> + Merton also rose; the fifty pounds were in his pocket (and his I O U in + his friend's pocket), and there was nothing more to detain him. + </p> + <p> + “You seem to have been very much attracted by her,” he said with a smile. + “Perhaps you intend to cultivate her acquaintance.” + </p> + <p> + Eden smiled also, for his friend's eyes were on his face. “She is a + charming girl, Chance, and—I met her at <i>your</i> house. Unless I + meet her there on some future occasion, I do not suppose that I shall ever + see her again. She has chosen her own path in life, and I only hope that + she may not find it unpleasant.” + </p> + <p> + Then they shook hands and separated; Merton to attend to a little business + matter, then to go home to his wife, with some new things to tell her. + Eden's mental remark was, “I may see—I hope to see Miss Affleck + again, not once, but scores and hundreds of times; but I shall not grieve + much, my veracious and noble-minded friend, if I should never again run + against <i>you</i> in Piccadilly or any other thoroughfare.” + </p> + <p> + From his visit to Eden, which, in different ways, had proved satisfactory + to both gentlemen, Merton returned at six o'clock to dine with his wife, + their usual midday meal having been put off until that hour to suit his + convenience. He had brought a bottle of good wine with him; for with fifty + pounds in his pocket he could afford to be free for once, and at table he + made himself very entertaining. + </p> + <p> + “This has been a red-letter day,” he said, “and I shall finish it by being + as lazy as I like to be. I shouldn't care to sit down now to work after + such a good dinner. Rest and be thankful is my motto for the moment, and + perhaps by-and-by you will treat me to some of your music. Eden has rather + a taste for music, and admires your playing greatly.” + </p> + <p> + He was very lively, and chattered on in this strain until the wine was + finished, and then Constance played and sung a few of his favourite + pieces. But after the singing was over, and when she was doing a little + needlework, she noticed that he had grown strangely silent, and sat + staring into the fire with clouded face; and thinking that there was + perhaps something on his mind which he might like to speak about, she put + down her work and went to him. + </p> + <p> + “What is it, Merton, dear?” she said; “are there any dead flies in that + little pot of apothecary's ointment you brought home to-day?” + </p> + <p> + “No, not one—not even the proboscis of a fly has been left sticking + in it. By the way, here it is, all but five pounds which I had to change + to-day. Take it, Connie, and stick to it like old boots. No, dear, it was + not that; I was thinking of something different—something that has + vexed me a little. When is your friend Fan coming again?” + </p> + <p> + “Fan! I don't know. We made no arrangement. I am to write to let her know + when to come. Has Fan anything to do with the vexation you speak of?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, to some extent she has; but I really had no intention of speaking of + it just now, as I know how sensitive you are on that point, and biased in + her favour.” + </p> + <p> + “Biased in her favour, Merton? What is there wrong in her?—how can + she have vexed you?” + </p> + <p> + “She has done nothing intentionally to vex me. But, Connie, she is a very + ignorant girl, and I cannot help regretting very much that she was here + last evening when Eden came.” + </p> + <p> + “You are not very complimentary to me when you call her ignorant, Merton.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear girl, I don't mean ignorant in that sense. I dare say you taught + her as much as most young ladies are supposed to know; perhaps more. But + she is naturally ignorant of social matters, with an ignorance that is + born in her and quite invincible.” + </p> + <p> + “I am more puzzled than ever. I have taught her something—not very + much, I confess, as I only had her for one year. But for the rest, it has + always been my opinion that she possesses a natural refinement, such as + one would expect from her appearance, and that there is a singular charm + in her manner. Perhaps you do not think me capable of forming a right + judgment about such things.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't say that, Connie; but you shall judge yourself whether I am right + or wrong in what I have said when you hear the facts. It appears that Eden + did not see her to the omnibus, but walked home with her last evening. He + spoke of her this morning, and though he assumed an indifferent tone, it + was plain to see that he was very much surprised to find a shop-girl from + Regent Street visiting and on terms of equality with my wife.” + </p> + <p> + Constance reddened. + </p> + <p> + “How came your friend to know that she was a shopgirl in Regent Street?” + </p> + <p> + “That's just where the cause of vexation lies,” said Merton. “She told him + that herself, not in answer to any question from him, but simply because + she thought proper to explain who and what she was. She did not think it + was wrong, no doubt, but what can you do with such a person? Surely she + must be ignorant to talk about her squalid affairs to a gentleman of Mr. + Eden's standing after meeting him in our house! To tell you the truth, I + think it was kind of Eden to mention the matter to me. It was as if he had + said in so many words, 'If your visitors and dearest friends are chosen + from the shop-girl class, you will find it a rather difficult matter to + better your position in the world.'” + </p> + <p> + “I am very sorry you have been annoyed, Merton. But I could not very well + speak to Fan about it. She would imagine, and it would be very natural, + that we were getting a little too fastidious.” + </p> + <p> + “You are right, she would, and I advise you to say nothing about it. A far + better plan would be to break off this unequal friendship, which will only + distress and be a hindrance to us in various ways, and would have to come + to an end some day.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Merton, that would be cruel to her and to me as well! Not only is she + my dearest friend, but she is really the only friend I have got.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I know; I have thought about that, but it will not be for long, + Connie. You must not imagine that our life is to be spent in this or any + other sordid suburb. The articles I am now engaged on cannot fail to bring + me into notice and give us a fair start in life; and you may be sure, + Connie, that society will very soon find out that you are one of the + gifted ones, both physically and mentally. It will not be suitable for you + to know one in Fan's position, and it will only be a kindness to the girl + if you quietly drop her now.” + </p> + <p> + Constance was not in the least affected by this glittering vision of the + future; she made no reply, but with eyes cast down and a face expressing + only pain she moved from his side, and sat down to her work once more. To + be deprived of her beloved friend, whose friendship was so much to her in + her solitary life, and whose place in her heart no other could take, and + for so slight a cause, seemed very hard and very strange. Why did her + husband consider her so little in this matter? This she asked herself, and + a suspicion which had floated vaguely in her mind before began to take + form. Was this slight cause the real cause of so harsh a determination? + Since he loved her, and was invariably kind and tender, it seemed more + like a pretext. She remembered that from the first he had depreciated Fan, + and had sometimes shown irritation at her visiting them; did he fear that + some disagreeable secret of his past life, known to Fan, might be betrayed + by her? It was a painful suspicion and made her silent. + </p> + <p> + Merton was also silent; to himself he said, “I knew that it would grieve + her a little at first, but she is not unreasonable, and in a short time + she will come round to my opinion. The girl is well enough, but not a fit + associate for my wife, and it is better to get rid of-her now before + making new friends.” + </p> + <p> + At half-past ten o'clock Constance, still silent, took her candle and went + to her bedroom, still with that secret trouble gnawing at her heart. + </p> + <p> + Merton found a book and read until past twelve, and then came to the + conclusion that the author was an ass. It happened that he knew something + about the author; he knew, for instance, that he was a married man, and + lived in a pretty house at Richmond, and gave garden-parties, to which a + great many well-known people went. Well, if this scribbler could make + enough by his twaddling books to live in that style, what might not he, + Merton, make? + </p> + <p> + His wife's entrance just then interrupted his pleasant thoughts. She had + risen from her bed after lying awake two or three hours, and came in with + a light wrapper over her nightdress, and her hair unbound on her + shoulders. “Is it not getting very late, Merton?” she asked. + </p> + <p> + “Connie, come here,” he said, regarding her with some surprise, and then + drawing her on to his knee. “My dear girl, you have been crying.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, ever since I went to bed. But I didn't think you would notice, I did + not mean you to know it.” + </p> + <p> + “Why not, darling? I am very sorry that what I said about Fan distresses + you so much. But why should you hide any grief, little or great, from me, + dearest?” he added, caressing her hair. + </p> + <p> + “I have never hidden anything from you, Merton, only to-night I felt + strongly inclined to conceal what was in my mind. Let me tell you what it + is; and will you, Merton, on your part, be as open with me and show the + same confidence in my love that I have in yours?” + </p> + <p> + “Assuredly I will, Connie. We shall never be happy if we hide anything + from each other.” + </p> + <p> + “Then, Merton, I must tell you that your readiness in resenting that + little fault of Fan's, and making it a cause for separating us, makes me + suspect that there is something behind it which you have kept from me. + Tell me, Merton, and do not be afraid to tell me if my suspicion is + correct, is there anything in your past life you wished to keep from me + and which is known to Fan, and might come to my knowledge through her?” + </p> + <p> + “No, Connie, there is absolutely nothing in my past that I would hesitate + to tell you. If I had had any painful secret I should have told it to you + when I asked you to be my wife, and I am surprised that such a suspicion + should have entered your mind. But I am very glad that you have told me of + it. You shall send for Fan and question her yourself, for I presume you + have never done so before, and after that you will perhaps cease to doubt + me.” + </p> + <p> + “I do not doubt your word, Merton, and trust and believe that I never + shall doubt the truth of what you say. To question Fan about you—that + I could not do, even if the suspicion still lived, but it is over now, and + you must forgive me for having entertained it.” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps it was not altogether strange, Connie, since you attach so little + importance to these distinctions. But they are very important + nevertheless, and in this keen struggle for life, and for something more + than a bare subsistence, we cannot afford to hamper ourselves in any way. + I am quite sure that, even if I had spoken no word, you would have + discovered after a while that this is an inconvenient friendship. I have + known it all along, but have not hitherto spoken about it for fear of + paining you. But do not distress yourself any more to-night, Connie; let + things remain as they are at present, if it is your wish.” + </p> + <p> + “My wish, Merton! My chief wish is never to do anything of which you would + disapprove. Do I need to remind you that I have never opposed a wish of + mine to yours? I could not let things remain as they are at present while + you think as you do. It will be a great grief to me to lose Fan, but while + you are in this mind I would not ask her to come and see me again, even if + you were a thousand miles from home.” + </p> + <p> + “Then, dear wife, let us think it over for two or three days, and when I + have got over this little vexation, if I see any reason to change my mind + I shall let you know in good time.” + </p> + <p> + And so for the moment the matter ended; but two or three days passed, and + then two or three more, and Merton still kept silence on the subject. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0031" id="link2HCH0031"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXI + </h2> + <p> + A fortnight went by. Fan, occupied in her shop and happy enough, except + once when she encountered the grisly manager's terrible eyes on her: then + she trembled and glanced down at her dress, fearing that it had looked + rusty or out of shape to him; for in that establishment a heavy fine or + else dismissal would be the lot of any girl who failed to look + well-dressed. Constance, for the most part sitting solitary at home, + trying in vain to write something that would meet the views of some + editor. Merton, busy running about, full to overflowing of all the things + he intended doing. Eden, doing nothing: only thinking, which, in his case + at all events, was “but an idle waste of thought.” So inactive was he at + this period, and so much tobacco did he consume to assist his mental + processes, that he grew languid and pale. His friends remarked that he was + looking seedy. This made him angry—very angry for so slight a cause; + and he thought that of all the intolerable things that have to be put up + with this was the worst—that people should remark to a man that he + is looking seedy, when the seediness is in the soul, and the cause of it a + secret of which he is ashamed. + </p> + <p> + At the end of the fortnight he became convinced that his feeling for the + delicate girl with the pathetic grey eyes was no passing fancy, but a + passion that stirred him as he had never been stirred before, and he + resolved to possess her in spite of the fact that he had met her in his + friend's house. + </p> + <p> + “Let the great river bear me to the main,” he said; although bad, he was + too honest to quote the other line, feeling that he had not striven + against the stream. + </p> + <p> + Having got so far, he began to consider what the first step was to be in + this enterprise of great pith and moment. For although the insanity of + passionate desire possessed him, he was not going to spoil his chances by + acting in a hurry, or doing anything without the most careful + consideration. The desire to see her again was very insistent, and by + strolling up the street in which she lived in the evening he might easily + have met her, by chance as it were, returning from her shop, but he would + not do that. An enterprise of this kind seemed to him like one of those + puzzle-games in which if a right move is made at first the game may be + won, however many blundering moves may follow; but if the first move is + wrong, then by no possible skill and care can the desired end be reached. + </p> + <p> + He recalled their conversation about novels, and remembered the titles of + five popular works he had mentioned which Miss Affleck had not read. These + works he ordered in the six-shilling form, and then spent the best part of + a day cutting the leaves and knocking the books about to give them the + appearance of having been used. He also wrote his name in them, in each + case with some old date; and finally, to make the deception complete, + spilt a little ink over the cover of one volume, dropped some cigar-ash + between the leaves of a second, and concealed a couple of old foreign + letters on thin paper in a third. Then he tied them up together and sent + them to her by a messenger with the following letter: + </p> + <p> + DEAR MISS AFFLECK, + </p> + <p> + I have just been looking through my bookshelves, and was pleased to find + that I had some of the novels we spoke about the other evening, which, if + I remember rightly, you said that you had not read. It was lucky I had so + many, as my friends have a habit of carrying off my books and forgetting + to return them. If you will accept the loan of them, do not be in a hurry + to return them; they will be safer in your keeping than in mine, and one + or two, I think, are almost worth a second perusal. + </p> + <p> + I must not let slip this opportunity, as another might not occur for a + long time, of saying something about our friends at Norland Square. I saw + Merton the day after meeting you, but not since; nor have I heard from + him. I know now that he lost his appointment at the Foreign Office through + his own folly, and that most of his friends have dropped him. I do + honestly think that Mrs. Chance has made a terrible mistake; I pity her + very much. But things may not after all turn out altogether badly, and if + Merton has any good in him he ought to show it now, when he has such a + woman as your friend for a wife and companion. At all events, I have made + up my mind—and this is another secret, Miss Affleck—to forget + all about the past and do what I can to assist him. Not only for auld lang + syne, for we were great friends at school, but also for his wife's sake. + My only fear is that he will keep out of my sight, but perhaps I am doing + him an injustice in thinking so. But as you will continue to see your + friend, may I ask you to let me know should they at any time be in very + straitened circumstances, or in any trouble, or should they go away from + Norland Square? I do hope you will be able to promise me this. + </p> + <p> + Believe me, dear Miss Affleck, + </p> + <p> + Yours sincerely, + </p> + <p> + ARTHUR EDEN. + </p> + <p> + To this letter, the writing of which, it is only right to say, actually + caused Mr. Eden to blush once or twice, Fan at once replied, thanking him + for the parcel of books. “I must also thank you,” the letter said, “for + telling me to keep them so long, as there is so much to read in them, and + my reading time is only when I am at leisure in the evening. I shall take + great care of them, as I think from their look that you like to keep your + books very clean.” In answer to the second part of his letter she wrote: + “I scarcely know what to reply to what you say about the Chances. + Constance and I are such great friends that I am almost ashamed to discuss + her affairs with anyone else, as I am sure that she would be very much + hurt if she knew it. And yet I must promise to do what you ask. I do not + think it would be right to refuse after what you have said, and I am very + glad that Mr. Chance has one kind friend left in you.” + </p> + <p> + Eden was well satisfied at the result of his first move. There would have + to be a great many more moves before the pretty game ended, but he now had + good reason to hope for a happy ending. + </p> + <p> + She had accepted his offer of his friendship, the loan of his books, and + had written him a letter which he liked so much that he read it several + times. It was a sunshiny April morning, and after breakfasting he went out + for a stroll, feeling a strange lightness of heart—a sensation like + that which a good man experiences after an exercise of benevolence. And + the feeling actually did take the form of benevolence, and no single pair + of hungry wistful eyes met his in vain during that morning's walk until he + had expended the whole of his small change. “Poor wretches!” he thought, + “I couldn't have imagined there was so much misery and starvation about.” + His heart was overflowing with happiness and love for the entire human + race. “After all,” he continued, “I don't think I'm half as bad as that + impudent conscience of mine sometimes tries to make out. I know lots of + fellows who sink any amount of money in betting and other things and never + think to give sixpence to a beggar. Of course no one can be perfect, + everyone <i>must</i> have some vice. But I don't quite look on mine as a + vice. Some wise man has called it an amiable weakness—that's about + as good a description as we can have.” + </p> + <p> + Passing along a quiet street where the houses were separated from the + pavement by gardens and stone balustrades, he noticed a black cat seated + on the top of a pillar, its head thrown far back, and its wide-open eyes, + looking like balls of yellow fire, fixed on a sparrow perched high above + on the topmost twig of a tall slender tree. “Puss, puss,” said Eden, + speaking to the animal almost unconsciously, and without pausing in his + walk. Down instantly leapt the cat, inside the wall, and dashing through + the shrubbery, shot ahead of him, and springing on to the balustrade + thrust its head forward to catch a passing caress. He touched the soft + black head with his fingers, and passed on with a little laugh. “An + instance of the magical effect of kindness,” he soliloquised. “That cat + sees more enemies than friends among the passers-by—the boy whose + soul delights in persecuting a strange cat, and the young man with that + most insolent and aggressive little beast a fox-terrier at his heels. And + yet quick as lightning it understood the tone I spoke to it in, although + the voice was strange, and shot past me and came out just for a pat on the + head. A very sagacious cat; and yet I really felt no particular kindness + towards it; the tone was only assumed. Its statuesque figure attracted me, + as it sat there like a cat carved out of ebony, with two fiery splendid + gems for eyes. I admired the beauty of the thing, that was all. And as + with cats so it is with women. Let them once think that you are kind, and + you have a great advantage. You may do almost anything after that; your + kindness covers it all.... What an impudent juggler, and what an + outrageous fibber, this confounded conscience is! I may not have felt any + great kindness for black pussy when I spoke to her, but between that and + carrying her home under my coat to vivisect her at leisure there is a vast + difference. If I am ever unkind in act or word or deed to that sweet girl—no, + the idea is too absurd! I can feel nothing but kindness for her, and if I + felt convinced that I could not make her happy, then I would resign her at + once, hard as that would be.” + </p> + <p> + That same evening Eden received a second letter from Fan, but very short, + enclosing the two foreign letters, which she had just found in one of his + books. This was only what he had expected. He replied, also briefly, + thanking her for sending the letters, and for the promise she had given, + and there for the moment he allowed the affair to rest. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile Fan was every day expecting an invitation to Norland Square, and + she was deeply disappointed and surprised when a whole week passed with no + letter from Constance. Then a long letter came, which troubled her a good + deal, for she was not asked to go to Norland Square, and no meeting was + arranged, but, on the contrary, she was left to infer that there would be + no meeting for some time to come. A photograph and a postal order for five + shillings were enclosed in the letter, and about these Constance wrote: “I + send you the photo you have so often expressed a wish to have, and I think + you ought to feel flattered, for I have not been taken before since I was + fifteen years old; I don't like the operation. I think it flatters me, and + Merton says that it does not do me justice, so that it cannot be quite + like me, but it will serve well enough to refresh your memory of me when + we are separated for any length of time. But it is so painful to me to + think of losing sight of you altogether that I have no heart to say more + about that just now. Only I <i>must</i> have your photo: I cannot wait + long for it, and you must forgive me, dearest Fan, for sending the money + to have it taken at once. I know, dear, that you cannot very well afford + to spend money on pictures, even of yourself, and so please don't be vexed + with me, but do as I wish; for since I cannot have you always near me I + wish at least to have your counterfeit presentment. I should like it + cabinet size if you can get it for the money, if not I must have a small + vignette, and I hope you will go to a good man and have it well done, and + above all that you will send it soon.” + </p> + <p> + There was much more in the letter; a sweeter Fan had never received from + her friend, so much affection did it express; but it also expressed + sadness, and the vague hints of probable changes to come, and a long + separation in it, mystified and troubled her. + </p> + <p> + Before many days the photograph, which cost half-a-guinea, was finished + and sent to Constance, with a letter in which Fan begged her friend to + appoint a day for them to meet. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime at Norland Square Merton was preparing for a fresh change + in his life, and as usual with a light heart; but in this instance his + wife for the first time had taken the lead. After breakfast one morning he + was getting ready to go to Fleet Street to the office of a journal there, + when Constance asked if she might go with him. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, dear, certainly, if you wish to see a little of the life and bustle + of London.” + </p> + <p> + “I haven't seen much of London yet, and I should so like to have a little + peep at the East End we hear and read so much about just now. Can't you + manage, after your business is finished at the office, to go with me there + on a little exploring expedition?” + </p> + <p> + “That's not a bad idea,” he returned. “But I shall be lost in that + wilderness, and not know which way to go and what to look for.” + </p> + <p> + “Then I shall be your guide,” she said with a smile. “I've been studying + the map, and reading a book about that part of London, and have marked out + a route for us to follow.” + </p> + <p> + “All right, Connie, get ready as soon as you like, and we'll have a day of + adventures in the East.” + </p> + <p> + And as Constance had dressed herself with a view to the journey, she had + only to put on her hat and gloves, and they started at once, taking an + omnibus in the Uxbridge Road to Chancery Lane. From Fleet Street they went + on to Whitechapel, where their travels in a strange region were to begin. + Constance wished in the first place to get some idea of the extent of that + vast district so strangely called East <i>End,</i> as if it formed but a + small part of the great city. The population and number of tenements, and + of miles of streets, were mere rows of figures on a page, and no help to + the mind. Only by seeing it all would she be able to form any conception + of it: she saw a great deal of it in the course of the day from the tops + of omnibuses, and travelled for hours in those long thoroughfares that + seemed to stretch away into infinitude, so that one finds it hard to + believe that nature lies beyond, and fields where flowers bloom, and last + night's dew lies on the untrodden grass. Nor was she satisfied with only + seeing it, or a part of it, in this hasty superficial way; at various + points they left the thoroughfare to stroll about the streets, and in some + of the streets they visited, which were better than those inhabited by the + very poor, Constance entered several of the houses on the old pretext of + seeking lodgings, and made many minute inquiries about the cost of living + from the women she talked with. + </p> + <p> + It was seven o'clock in the evening when they got home; and after dining + Merton lit a cigar and stretched himself out on the sofa of their + sitting-room to recover from his fatigue. His wife was also too tired to + do anything, and settled herself near him in the easy-chair. + </p> + <p> + “Well, Connie,” he said with a smile, “what is to be the outcome of the + day's adventures? Of course you had an object in dragging one through that + desert desolate.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I had,” she answered with a glance at his face. “Can you guess it?” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps I can. But let me hear it. I shall be so sorry if I have to nip + your scheme in the bud.” + </p> + <p> + “I think, Merton, it would be a good plan for us to go and live there for + a time. It is better to move about a little and see some of the things + that are going on in this world of London. I am getting a little tired of + the monotony here; besides, just now when we are so poor it would be a + great advantage. I found out to-day that we can get better rooms than + these for about half the sum we are paying. Provisions and everything we + require are also much cheaper there.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, dear, that may be, but you forget that the man who aspires to rise + in London must have an address he is not ashamed of. Norland Square is a + poor enough place, but there is at any rate a W. after it. I fancy it + would be very bad economy in the end, just to save a few shillings a week, + to go where there would be an E.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't quite agree with you, Merton. When we have friends to correspond + with and to visit us, then we can think more about where we live; I have + no desire to settle permanently or for any long time in the east district. + But I have not yet told you the principal reason I have for wishing to go + and live in that part of London for a few months—weeks if you like.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, what is it?” + </p> + <p> + “I think it will be a great advantage to you, Merton. You will be able to + see and hear for yourself. You speak about East End socialism in the + papers you are writing, but you speak of it, as others do, in a vague way, + as a thing contemptible and yet dangerous to civilisation, or which might + develop into something dangerous. It strikes me that something is to be + gained by studying it more closely, but just now you are dependent on + others for your facts.” + </p> + <p> + “And you think I could see things better than others?” he said, not ill + pleased. + </p> + <p> + “You can at all events see them with your own eyes, and that will be + better than looking at them through other people's spectacles. Besides, it + is a period of rapid transitions, and the picture painted yesterday, + however faithful to nature the artist may have been, no longer represents + things as they exist to-day.” + </p> + <p> + “You are right there.” + </p> + <p> + “And if you go to the East End with the avowed object of studying certain + phenomena and ascertaining certain facts for yourself, to use in your + articles, I don't think that your residence there would prejudice you in + any way.” + </p> + <p> + “No, of course not. Why, the thing is done every day by well-known men—brilliant + writers some of them—men who are run after by Mr. Knowles. It is a + good idea, Connie, and I am glad you suggested it. The spread of socialism + in London is a grand subject. Of course I know all about the arguments of + the wretched crew of demagogues engaged in this propaganda. I could + easily, to quote De Quincey's words, 'bray their fungous heads to powder + with a lady's fan, and throttle them between heaven and earth with my + finger and thumb.' But we want to know just how far their doctrines, or + whatever they call their crack-brained fantasies, have taken root in the + minds of the people, and what the minds are like, and what the outcome of + it all is to be. If we go to the East End, and I don't see why we + shouldn't, as soon as we find ourselves settled there I shall begin to go + about a great deal among the people, and attend the meetings of the social + democrats, and listen to the wild words of their orators, and note the + effect of what they say on their hearers What do you say, Connie?” + </p> + <p> + “I shall be ready to pack up and follow you any day, Merton. And I think + that I might assist you a little; at all events I shall try, and go about + among the women and listen to what they say while you are listening to the + men.” + </p> + <p> + Merton was delighted. “You have a prophetic soul, Connie,” he said, “and I + shall be as much astonished as yourself if something grand doesn't come of + this. A great thing in my favour is that I can generally manage to get at + the pith of a thing, while most people can do nothing but sniff in a + hopeless sort of way at the rind. Of course you have noticed that in me, + Connie. I sometimes regret that I am not a barrister, for I possess the + qualities that lead to success in that profession. At the same time it is + a profession that has a very narrowing effect on the mind—the issues + are really in most cases so paltry. Your barrister never can be a + statesman; he has looked at things so closely, to study the little + details, that his eagle vision has changed into the short sight of the + owl. And, by the way, now I think of it, I must have a little brandy in + to-night to drink success to our new scheme.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you really need brandy, Merton? I thought—” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I really do—to-night. I feel so thoroughly knocked up, Connie; + and now my brain is in such a state of activity that a little brandy will + have no more effect than so much water. Do you know, it is an ascertained + fact in science that alcohol taken when you are active—either + physically or mentally active—does not go off nor remain in the + tissues, but is oxygenised and becomes food. Besides this, I fancy, will + be about the last bottle I shall allow myself, I know that you are a Sir + Wilfred Lawsonite, and I am determined to respect all your little + prepossessions. Not that you have much to thank me for in this case, for I + really care very little about strong waters.” + </p> + <p> + He rang the bell, and gave the servant-girl six shillings to get a bottle + of Hennessy's brandy. With that bottle of brandy looking very conspicuous + on the table, and her husband more talkative and in need of her + companionship than ever, Constance could not go away to her room, as she + would have liked to do, to be alone with that dull pain at her heart—the + sorrow and sense of shame—or perhaps to forget it in sleep. She sat + on with him into the small hours, while that oxygenising process was going + on, listening, smiling at the right time, entering into all his plans, and + even assisting him to find a startling title for the series of brilliant + articles on the true condition of the East End, about which all London + would no doubt soon be talking. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0032" id="link2HCH0032"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXII + </h2> + <p> + Constance did not reply immediately to Fan's letter, which came to her + with the photograph, but first completed her preparations for leaving + Notting Hill. A visit from her friend was what she most feared, and the + thought of the overwhelming confusion she would feel in the presence of + the guileless girl, and of further and still more painful duplicity on her + part, had the effect of hastening her movements. Before Merton's + enthusiasm had had time to burn itself out—that great blaze which + had nothing but a bundle of wood-shavings to sustain it—they were + ready to depart. But the letter must be written—that sad farewell + letter which for ever or for a long period of time would put an end to + their sweet intercourse; and it was with a heavy heart that Constance set + herself to the task. She herself had gone into the shop to seek an + engagement for her friend, and had been pleased at the result—it had + not made a shadow of difference between them; now, when she thought that + she was about to cast the girl off, although in obedience to her husband's + wishes, for this very thing, her cheeks were on fire with shame, her heart + filled with grief. Brave and honest though she was, she could not in this + instance bear to tell the plain truth. They were hurriedly leaving Norland + Square, she said; they were going away—she did not say how far, but + left the other to infer that it was to a great distance. In their new home + they would be engaged in work which would occupy all their time, all their + thoughts, so that even their correspondence would have to be suspended. + </p> + <p> + Their separation would be for a long time—she could not say how + long, but the thought of it filled her with grief, and she had not the + courage to meet Fan to say good-bye. Such partings between dear friends + were so unspeakably sad! There was much more in the letter, and the writer + said all she could to soften the unkind blow she was constrained to + inflict. But when Fan read it, after recovering from her first + astonishment, her heart sank within her. For now it seemed that her second + friend, not less dearly loved than the first, was also lost. A keen sense + of loneliness and desolation came over her, which sadly recalled to her + mind the days when she had wandered homeless and hungry through the + streets of Paddington, and again, long afterwards, when she had been + treacherously enticed away from Dawson Place. + </p> + <p> + Not until two days after receiving this letter, which she had read a + hundred times and sadly pondered over during the interval, did she write + to Arthur Eden; she could delay writing no longer, since she had promised + to let him know if anything happened at Norland Square. She wrote briefly, + and the reply came very soon. + </p> + <p> + MY DEAR MISS AFFLECK, + </p> + <p> + I am much concerned at what you tell me, and fear that Merton has got into + serious trouble. He is not deserving of much pity, I am afraid, but I do + feel sorry for his wife. That she should not have given you her new + address is a curious circumstance, as you say, and a rather disagreeable + one. I can understand their hiding themselves from a creditor, or any + other obnoxious person, but to hide themselves from you seems a senseless + proceeding. However, don't let us judge them too hastily. I shall send off + a note at once to Merton, addressed to Norland Square, asking him to lunch + with me at my club on Saturday next. No doubt he has left an address with + his landlady where letters are to be forwarded, and if he is out of town, + as you imagine, there will be time to get a reply before Saturday; but I + am sure he has not left London, and that I shall see him. He knows that he + has nothing to fear from me, and when he learns that I am willing to + assist him he will perhaps tell me what the trouble is. Of course I shall + not tell him that I have been in communication with you. Will you be so + good as to meet me in the Regent's Park—near the Portland Road + Station entrance—at eleven o'clock next Sunday? and I shall then let + you hear the result. + </p> + <p> + Yours very sincerely, + </p> + <p> + ARTHUR EDEN. + </p> + <p> + It was with a little shock of pleasure that Fan read this letter, so ready + had the writer been to show his sympathy, and so perfectly in accord were + their thoughts; and if these new benevolent designs of Mr. Eden were to + succeed, then how great a satisfaction it would always be to her to think + that she had been instrumental, in a secret humble way, in her friend's + deliverance from trouble! She thought it a little strange that Mr. Eden + should wish to tell her the news he would have by word of mouth instead of + by letter; but the prospect of a meeting was not unpleasant. On the + contrary, it consoled her to know that the disappearance of Constance had + not cast her wholly off from that freer, sweeter, larger life she had + known at Dawson Place and at Eyethorne, which had made her so happy. A + link with it still existed in this new friendship; and although Arthur + Eden could not take the place of Constance in her heart, from among his + own sex fate could not have selected a more perfect friend for her. The + link was a slender one, and in the future there would probably be no + meetings and few letters, but in spite of that he was and always would be + very much to her. With these thoughts occupying her mind she wrote + thanking him for his ready response to her letter, and promising to meet + him on the ensuing Sunday. + </p> + <p> + When the day at length arrived she set out at half-past ten to keep the + appointment, with many misgivings, not however because she, a pretty + unprotected shop-girl, was going to meet a young gentleman, but solely on + account of the weather. All night and at intervals during the morning + there had been torrents of rain, and though the rain had ceased now the + sky still looked dark and threatening. Unfortunately her one umbrella was + getting shabby, and matched badly with hat, gloves, shoes and dress, all + of which were satisfactory. Mr. Eden, she imagined, judging from his + appearance, was a little fastidious about such things, and in the end she + determined to risk going without the umbrella. When she passed Portland + Road Station, and the sky widened to her sight in the open space, there + were signs of coming fair weather to cheer her; the fresh breeze felt dry + to the skin, the clouds flew swiftly by, and at intervals the sun + appeared, not fiery and dazzling, but like a silver shield suspended + above, rayless and white as the moon, and after throwing its chastened + light over the wet world for a few moments the flying vapours would again + obscure it. She was early, but had scarcely entered the park before Mr. + Eden joined her. The pleasure which shone in his eyes when he advanced to + greet her made her think that he was the bearer of welcome news; he + divined as much, and hastened to undeceive her. + </p> + <p> + “I know that you are anxious to hear the result of my inquiries,” he said, + “but you must prepare for a disappointment, Miss Affleck.” + </p> + <p> + “You have something bad to tell me?” + </p> + <p> + “No, I have nothing to tell. My letter to Merton was returned to me on + Friday through the dead letter post. They've gone and left no address. To + make quite sure, I went to Norland Square yesterday to see the landlady, + and she says that they left ten days ago, and that Mr. Chance told her + that he had written to all his correspondents to give them his new + address, and that if any letter came for him or his wife she was to return + it to the postman. Of course she does not know where they have gone.” + </p> + <p> + Fan was deeply disappointed, and still conversing on this one subject, + they continued walking for an hour about the park, keeping to the paths. + </p> + <p> + “You must not distress yourself, Miss Affleck,” said her companion. “The + thing is no greater a mystery now than it was a week ago, and you must + have arrived at the conclusion as long ago as that, that the Chances + wished to sever their connection with you.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you think that, Mr. Eden—do you think that Constance really + wishes to break off with me? It would be so unlike her.” There were tears + in her voice if not in her eyes as she spoke. + </p> + <p> + He did not answer her question at once. They were now close to the + southern entrance to the Zoological Gardens. + </p> + <p> + “Let's go in through this gate,” he said. “In there we shall be able to + find shelter if it rains.” He had tickets of admission in his pocket, and + passing the stile Fan found herself in that incongruous wild animal world + set in the midst of a world of humanity. A profusion of flowers met her + gaze on every side, but she looked beyond the variegated beds, blossoming + shrubs, and grass-plats sprinkled with patches of gay colour, to the huge + unfamiliar animal forms of which she caught occasional glimpses in the + distance. For she had never entered the Gardens before, this being the one + great sight in London which Mary and her brother Tom had forgotten to show + her. And since her return to town she had not ventured to go there alone, + although living so near to the Regent's Park. Walking there on Sundays, + when there was no admission to the public, she had often paused to listen + with a feeling of wonder to the strange sounds that issued from the + enchanted enclosure—piercing screams of eagles and of cranes; the + muffled thunder of lions, mingled with sharp yells from other felines; and + wolf-howls so dismal and long that they might have been wafted to her all + the way from Oonalaska's shore. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Eden appeared not to notice the curious glances as he paced + thoughtfully by her side, and presently he recalled her to the subject + they had been discussing. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Affleck,” he said, “has there been any disagreement, or have you + heard any word from Merton or Mrs. Chance which might have led you to + think that they contemplated breaking off their acquaintance with you?” + </p> + <p> + In answer she told him about the letter from Constance asking for her + photograph. + </p> + <p> + “Where did you have your picture taken?” he asked somewhat irrelevantly. + </p> + <p> + Fan told him, and as he said nothing she added, “But why do you ask that, + Mr. Eden?” + </p> + <p> + He could not tell her that he intended going to the photographer, whose + name he had just heard, to secure a copy of her picture for his own + pleasure, and so he answered: + </p> + <p> + “It merely occurred to me to ask just to know whether you had gone by + chance to one of the good men I could have recommended. It is evident that + when Mrs. Chance wrote to you in that way she had already planned this + separation. Whatever her motives may have been, it is certainly hard on + you; and I scarcely need assure you, Miss Affleck, that you have my + heartfelt sympathy.” + </p> + <p> + “You are very kind, Mr. Eden,” she returned, scarcely able to repress the + tears that rose to her eyes. + </p> + <p> + After an interval of silence he said: + </p> + <p> + “If you still wish to find out their address, the quickest way would be to + write to your friend's home. Merton told me that you lived for a year with + his wife's people in Hampshire or Dorset.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, in Wiltshire. But I know that Constance has not corresponded with + her mother since her marriage. Perhaps you are right in what you said, Mr. + Eden, that they wish—not to know me any longer.” + </p> + <p> + He turned away from the wistful, questioning look in her eyes, and only + remarked, “I shall find it hard to forgive them this.” + </p> + <p> + “But I can't believe that Constance would do anything unkind,” she + replied, somewhat illogically. + </p> + <p> + “No. But Constance is not herself—her real self now, she is Merton's + wife.” + </p> + <p> + “Then you think that Constance—yes, perhaps you are right”; and then + in a pathetic tone she added, “I have no friend now.” + </p> + <p> + “Do not say that, Miss Affleck! Do you not remember that on the occasion + of our first meeting you promised to regard me as a friend?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I do, and I feel very grateful for your kindness to me. When I said + that I meant a lady friend.... That is such a different kind of + friendship. And—and you could never be like one of the two friends I + have lost.” + </p> + <p> + “Two, Miss Affleck! I did not know that you had had the misfortune to lose + more than one.” + </p> + <p> + “The first was the lady I lived with in London before I went to the + Churtons'.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yes, I see what you mean. It was a great loss to you in one sense, + but of course you couldn't have the same feeling about her as in the case + of Mrs. Chance. She was, I understand, a toothless old hag, more than + half-crazy—” + </p> + <p> + “Half-crazy! Toothless! Old! What do you mean, Mr. Eden? She is young and + beautiful, and though I am nothing to her now I love her still with all my + heart.” + </p> + <p> + He looked at her with the utmost surprise, and then burst into a laugh. + </p> + <p> + “Forgive me for laughing, Miss Affleck,” he said. “But I remember now it + was Merton who described her to me as a made-up old lady who ought to be + in an asylum. How stupid of me to believe anything that fellow ever says, + even when he has no motive for being untruthful!” + </p> + <p> + Fan also laughed, she could not help laughing in spite of the intense + indignation she felt against Mary's rejected suitor for libelling her in + such an infamous manner. + </p> + <p> + “Do you know that it is beginning to rain?” he said, holding his umbrella + over her head. “We must go in there and wait until it pauses.” + </p> + <p> + It was one o'clock, and the refreshment rooms had just opened. Fan was + conducted into the glittering dining-saloon, and was persuaded to join her + companion in a rather sumptuous luncheon, and to drink a glass of + champagne. + </p> + <p> + Occasional showers prevented them leaving for some time, and it was nearly + four o'clock when they finally left the Gardens, Fan again staring + curiously round her. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Eden,” she asked, pointing to a large, blue, cow-like creature, with + goat's horns and a hump, “will you tell me what that animal is?” + </p> + <p> + “I am not sure quite that I can,” he replied with a slight laugh. “Its + name is as outlandish as itself—gnu, or yak, or perhaps Jamrach.” + </p> + <p> + The reply was not very satisfactory, and she felt a little disappointed + that he did not turn aside to let her look at it, or at any of the other + strange beasts and birds near them; but just after leaving he remarked in + a casual way: + </p> + <p> + “I suppose you are quite familiar with the Gardens, Miss Affleck?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no, I have never been in them before to-day.” + </p> + <p> + “Really! Then how sorry I am that I did not know sooner! We might have + gone in and seen the lions, and monkeys, while it was raining. However, we + could not have seen very much to-day, and if you can manage to come next + Sunday I shall be so glad to show you everything.” Seeing that she + hesitated, he added, “I shall make some inquiries during the week, and may + have something to tell you next Sunday if you will come.” + </p> + <p> + That won her consent, and after seeing her to her own door, Eden went on + his way rejoicing, for so far the gods he had once spoken of had shown + themselves favourable. + </p> + <p> + During the week that followed Fan thought often enough of her friend's + mysterious conduct towards her; but the remembrance of Mr. Eden's sympathy + lightened the pain considerably, and as the time of that second meeting, + which was to be more pleasant even than the first, drew near, she began to + think less of Constance and more of Arthur Eden. She smiled to herself + when she remembered certain things she had heard about the danger to young + girls in her position in life resulting from the plausible attentions of + idle pleasure-seekers like Mr. Eden; for in his case there could be no + danger. His soul was without guile. She had made his acquaintance in his + own friend's house, and it was not in her nature to suspect evil designs + which did not appear in a person's manner and conversation. If he had been + her brother—that ideal brother whose kindness is un-mixed with + contempt for so poor a creature as a sister—his manner could not + have been more free from any suggestion of a feeling too warm in + character. Walking home with her from the park he had spoken with some + melancholy of the changes which the end of the London season—happily + not yet near—must always bring. He still had thoughts of going + abroad, but it saddened him to think that when returning after a long + absence he would be sure to miss some friendly faces—hers perhaps + among others. And all the words he had spoken on this subject, in his + tender musical voice, were treasured in her memory. He was more to her, + far more, she thought, than she could ever be to him. Only for a time + would he remember her face, his life was so full, his friends so many, but + she would not forget, and the pleasant hours she now spent in his company + would shine bright in memory in future years. + </p> + <p> + When the eagerly-wished Sunday at last arrived, the spring weather was + perfect. Even London on that morning had the softest of blue skies above + it, with far-up ethereal clouds, white as angels' wings, a brilliant + sunshine, and a breeze elastic yet warm, laden with the perfume of lilac + and may. Fan smiled at her own image in the glass, pleased to think that + she looked well in her new spring hat and dress; and at ten o'clock, when + Mr. Eden met her at the appointed place, and regarded her with keen + critical eyes as she advanced to him under her light sunshade, his + satisfaction was not unmingled with a secret pang, a sudden “conscience + fit,” which, however, did not last long. The fashionable tide did not just + then set very strongly towards the Gardens on Sundays, but he felt with + some pride that he could safely appear anywhere in London with Miss + Affleck at his side, and although his friends would not know her, they + would never suspect that in her he had picked up one of the “lower + orders.” + </p> + <p> + While walking across the park they conversed once more about their + vanished friends. Eden had no news to tell, but still cherished hopes of + being able to discover their retreat. When they were once inside the + Gardens, Fan soon forgot everything except the pleasure of the moment. She + could not have had a better guide than her companion, for beside a fair + knowledge of wild animal life, he had the pleasant faculty of seeing + things in a humorous light. And above everything, he knew his way about, + and could show her many little mysterious things, hidden away behind + jealously-guarded doors, of which he had the keys, and pretty bird + performances and amusing mammalian comedies, all of which are missed by + the casual visitor. The laughing jackasses laughed their loudest, almost + frightening her with their weird cachinnatory chorus; and the laughing + hyæna screamed his sepulchral ha-ha-ha's so that he was heard all the way + to Primrose Hill. Pelicans, penguins, darters and seals captured and + swallowed scores of swift slippery fishes for her pleasure. She was taken + to visit the “baby” in its private apartment, and saw him at close + quarters, not without fear and shrinking, for the baby was as big as a + house—the leviathan of the ancients, as some think. Into its vast + open mouth she dropped a bun, which was like giving a grain of rice to a + hungry human giant. Then she was made to take a large armful of green + clover and thrust it into the same yawning red cavern; and having done so + she started quickly back for fear of being swallowed alive along with the + grass. Mr. Eden spent a small fortune on buns, nuts, and bon-bons for the + animals, and she fed everything, from the biggest elephant and the most + tree-like giraffe to the smallest harvest mouse. But it was most curious + with an eagle they looked at. + </p> + <p> + “Give it a bun,” said Eden. + </p> + <p> + “You shall not laugh at my ignorance this time,” said Fan. “I <i>know</i> + that eagles eat nothing but flesh.” + </p> + <p> + “Quite right,” said he, “but if you will offer it a bun he will gladly eat + it.” And as he persisted, she, still incredulous, offered the bun, which + the eagle seized in his crooked claws, and devoured with immense zest. Fan + was amazed, and Eden said triumphantly, “There, I told you so.” + </p> + <p> + Long afterwards she was alone one day in the Gardens, and going to the + eagle's cage, and feeling satisfied that no one was looking, offered a bun + to an eagle. The bird only stared into her face with its fierce eyes, as + much as to say, “Do you take me for a monkey, or what? You are making a + great mistake, young woman.” It happened that someone <i>did</i> see her—a + rude man, who burst into a loud laugh; and Fan walked away with crimson + cheeks, and the mystery remained unexplained. Perhaps someone has + compassionately enlightened her since. + </p> + <p> + In the snake-house a brilliant green tree-snake of extraordinary length + was taken from its box by the keeper, and Eden wound it twice round her + waist; and looking down on that living, coiling, grass-green sash, knowing + that it was a serpent, and yet would do her no harm, she experienced a + sensation of creepy delight which was very novel, and curious, and mixed. + The kangaroos were a curious people, resembling small donkeys with + crocodile tails, sitting erect on their haunches, and moving about with a + waltzing hop, which was both graceful and comical. One of them, oddly + enough, had a window in the middle of its stomach out of which a baby + kangaroo put its long-eared head and stared at them, then popped it in + again and shut the window. The secretary-bird proved himself a grand + actor; he marched round his cage, bowed two or three times to Fan, then + performed the maddest dance imaginable, leaping and pounding the floor + with his iron feet, just to show how he broke a serpent's back in South + Africa. + </p> + <p> + From the monkey-house and its perpetual infinitely varied pantomime they + were conducted into a secret silent chamber, where an interesting event + had recently occurred, and Mrs. Monkey, who was very aristocratic and + exclusive, received only a few privileged guests. They found her sitting + up in bed and nursing an infant that looked exceedingly ancient, although + the keeper solemnly assured Fan that it was only three days old. Mrs. + Monkey gravely shook hands with her visitors, and condescendingly accepted + a bon-bon, which she ate with great dignity, and an assumption of not + caring much about it. + </p> + <p> + “Don't you think, Miss Affleck,” said Eden, sinking his voice, “that you + ought to say something complimentary—that the little darling looks + like its mamma, for instance, even if you can't call it pretty?” + </p> + <p> + Fan laughed merrily, whereat Mrs. Monkey flew into a rage, and seemed so + inclined to commit an assault on her visitors, that they were glad to make + a hasty retreat. + </p> + <p> + In the blithe open air Fan observed, when she had recovered her gravity: + </p> + <p> + “How good the keepers are to take so much trouble to show us things!” + </p> + <p> + “Thanks to you,” he replied, hypocritically. “If I had come alone they + wouldn't have troubled to show <i>me</i> things.” + </p> + <p> + Then they roused the nocturnal animals from their slumbers in the straw—the + wingless apteryx, like a little armless man with a very long nose; the + huge misshapen earthy-looking ant-bear, and those four-footed Rip Van + Winkles, the quaint, rusty, blear-eyed armadillos. But the giant ant-eater + was the most wonderful, for he walked on his knuckles, and strode + majestically about, for all the world like a mammalian peacock, exhibiting + his great tail. They also saw his tongue, like a yard of pink ribbon drawn + out by an invisible hand from the tip of his long cucumber-shaped head. In + the parrot-house the shrieking of a thousand parrots and cockatoos, all + trying to shriek each other down, drove them quickly out. + </p> + <p> + “I am sorry my nerves are not stronger, but really I can't stand it, Mr. + Eden,” said Fan, apologetically. + </p> + <p> + He laughed. “It's a great row, but not a very sublime one,” he answered. + “By-and-by we shall hear something better.” And by-and-by they were in the + great lion-house, where the prisoner kings and nobles are, barred and + tawny and striped and spotted, and with flaming yellow eyes. They were all + striding up and down, raging with hunger, for it was near the + feeding-time; and suddenly a lion roared, and then others roared; and + royal tigers, and jaguars, and pumas, and cheetahs, and leopards joined in + with shrieks and with yells, and the awful chorus of the feline giants + grew louder, like the continuous roar of near thunder, until the whole + vast building shook and the solid earth seemed to tremble beneath them. + And Fan also trembled and grew white with fear, and implored her companion + to take her out. If she had shouted her loudest he could not have heard a + sound, but he saw her lips moving, and her pallor, and led her out; yet no + sooner was she out than she wished to return, so wonderful and so glorious + did it seem to stand amidst that awful tempest of sound! + </p> + <p> + Thus passed Fan's day, seeing much of animal life, and with welcome + intervals of rest, when they had a nice little dinner in the refreshment + rooms, or sat for an hour on the shady lawn, where Mr. Eden smoked his + cigar, and related some of his adventures in distant lands. + </p> + <p> + “You have given me so much pleasure, Mr. Eden—I have spent a very + happy day,” said Fan, on their walk back to her humble lodgings. + </p> + <p> + “And I, Miss Affleck?” + </p> + <p> + “You know it all so well; it could not be so much to you,” she returned. + </p> + <p> + “Have I not been happy then?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I think you have,” she answered. “But you were happy principally + because you were giving pleasure to someone else.” + </p> + <p> + “I think,” he said, without directly answering her words, “that when I am + far from England again, and see things that are as unfamiliar to me as + this has been to you, which people come from the ends of the earth to look + at, it will all seem very dull and insipid to me when I remember the + pleasure I have had to-day.” + </p> + <p> + For many days past he had in imagination been saying a thousand pretty and + passionate things to Fan—rehearsing little speeches suitable for + every occasion. + </p> + <p> + And now this little laborious round-about speech, about going abroad, the + pleasures of memory, and the rest of it, which might mean anything or + nothing, was the only speech he could make. And she did not reply to it. + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps,” thought Eden, as he walked away after leaving her at her door, + “she understood the feeling, but waited to hear it expressed a little more + clearly.” Time would show, but it struck him on this evening that he had + made little progress since the first meeting at Norland Square, and he + thought with little satisfaction of his neglected opportunities, or, as he + called them, his sins of omission. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0033" id="link2HCH0033"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIII + </h2> + <p> + To Fan's mind there was no note of warning in that little vague + complimentary speech, and she thought nothing at all about it. It is quite + impossible for a man to talk all day without saying meaningless if not + foolish things, unless he happens to be a very solemn prig who carefully + considers his words and lays them down like dominoes; and Eden was not + that. His naturalness was his great charm, and she judged his feelings + from her own; his simple transparent kindliness was enough to account for + all his attentions to her. After that day at the Zoological Gardens she + met him on other Sundays and Saturday afternoons, and also received some + letters from him, and more books, all like the first in a wonderfully + clean and well-kept condition. + </p> + <p> + One summer day Eden went to the City, a very unusual thing for him to do, + and while making his way towards Cheapside through the hurrying crowd of + pedestrians filling the narrow thoroughfare of St. Paul's Churchyard, he + all at once came face to face with the long-lost Merton Chance. + Involuntarily both started and stopped short on coming together. It was + impossible to avoid speaking, which would have happened if they had + recognised each other at a suitable distance. “Eden, is it possible!” + “Chance, how glad I am to see you!” were the words they exclaimed at the + same moment, as they clasped hands with fictitious warmth; and then, to + avoid the crowd, Merton drew his friend aside through one of the open + gates into the cathedral garden. + </p> + <p> + “Just back again from a trip to the Hindoo Koosh or the Mountains of the + Moon, I suppose?” cried Merton with overflowing gaiety. + </p> + <p> + “I have not been out of London as it happens,” said Eden. “As you might + have known if you had sent me your address. I wrote to you at Norland + Square several weeks ago, asking you to lunch with me one day at the club, + and the letter was returned through the Dead Letter Office, marked 'Gone + away—no address.'” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, yes, I forgot to send you my new address at the time, and ever since + moving I have been so overwhelmed with work and a hundred other things + that I have really had no time to write. I have been anxiously looking + forward to a few hours of leisure to make up all arrears of the kind.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, then, as it is nearly two o'clock perhaps you will lunch with me + to-day. Is there any place close by where we can get something to eat and + drink? I am all at sea when I get as far east as this.” + </p> + <p> + “Thanks,” said Merton, with a laugh. “That just reminds me that I have had + nothing except a cup of tea since seven o'clock this morning. Too busy + even to remember such a thing as food. Yes, there's the Cathedral Hotel, + where you can get anything to eat from locusts and wild honey to a stalled + ox. By the way, since you know so little about East London, let me take + you a little further east; then you will be able to boast some day that + you stood on the volcano and looked down into its seething crater just + before the great eruption. Of course I mean that you will be able to make + that boast if you happen to survive the eruption.” + </p> + <p> + If Eden had little taste for ordinary enthusiasm, he had still less for + downright madness, and he hastily begged his friend to defer the volcanic + question until after luncheon. Merton's language surprised him, it seemed + so wildly irrational, and uttered with so much seriousness. In his + appearance also there were signs of degeneracy: he was thin and pale and + rather shabbily dressed, and wore a broad-brimmed rusty black felt hat, + which he frequently pulled off only to twist it into some new disreputable + shape and thrust it on again. Over a black half-unbuttoned waistcoat he + wore only a light covert coat, which had long seen its best days; his + boots were innocent of polish. Eden noticed all that, and remembering that + his friend had once been quite as fastidious about his dress as himself, + he was a little shocked at his appearance. + </p> + <p> + In a few minutes they were seated at a table where they were served with + an excellent luncheon, with plenty of variety in it, although it did not + include locusts and wild honey. Rather oddly, Merton appeared to have + leisure enough to make the most of it; he studied the menu with the + interest of a professed <i>gourmet</i>, freely advised Eden what to eat, + and partook of at least half a dozen different dishes himself. Nor was he + sparing of the wine; and after adjourning to the smoking-room, and + lighting the fragrant Havannah his friend had given him, he declined + coffee but ordered a second bottle of six-shilling claret. + </p> + <p> + “It rather surprises me to see a travelled fellow like you, Eden, drinking + English-made coffee,” he said. “For my part, until the French can send it + to us as they make it, bottled, I intend to stick to their light wines.” + </p> + <p> + All this amused Eden; he liked it better than the wild talk about + impending eruptions, and began to feel rather pleased that he had met + Merton after all. Still, he could not help experiencing some curiosity + about his mysterious friend's way of life; and in spite of prudence he led + the way to this dangerous topic. + </p> + <p> + “Just look at this, Eden; this will show you what I am doing. You Pall + Mall gentlemen are living in a fool's paradise—excuse me for putting + it so bluntly—but personally you are my friend, although in our ways + of thought we are as far as the poles asunder.” He had taken a newspaper + from his pocket, a small sheet of coarse paper printed with bad type, and + turning and refolding it he handed it to his friend. The article to which + Eden's attention was drawn was headed “A Last Word,” and occupied three + columns, and at the foot appeared the name of Merton Chance. + </p> + <p> + “I see; but surely you don't expect me to read this now?” said Eden. “Your + last word is a very long one.” + </p> + <p> + “No, you can put the paper in your pocket to read at your leisure. I think + it will have the effect of opening your eyes, Eden. That you may escape + the wrath to come is my devout wish.” + </p> + <p> + “Thanks. So you have gone in for the Salvation Army business?” And he + glanced at the title of the paper, but it was not the <i>War Cry</i>. <i>The + Time Has Come</i> was the name of the sheet he held in his hand, to which + Merton Chance had the honour to be a contributor. + </p> + <p> + “No, Eden,” said the other, with a look on his face of such deep and + serious meaning as to be almost tragic. “This is not the war cry you + imagine, but it is a war cry nevertheless. You can shut your ears to it, + if you feel so minded, and persuade yourself that there is no war in + preparation. The streets of London are full of soldiers, but then they + wear no red jackets, and carry no banners, and you needn't know that they + are soldiers at all. You can safely let them march on, since they march + without blare of trumpets and beat of drums.” + </p> + <p> + “All right, Chance, I'll have a shot at it before going to bed to-night”; + and he was again about to thrust the paper into his pocket, feeling that + he was getting tired of this kind of talk. + </p> + <p> + “Wait a moment, Eden,” said the other. “I'm afraid you do not quite know + yet what the matter is all about. Allow me to look at the paper again.” + Taking it, he found and asked his friend to read a rather long editorial + paragraph. + </p> + <p> + This was all about the trumpet-tongued Merton Chance, congratulating the + League on the accession to its ranks of so able a fighter with the pen—one + who was only too ready to handle other weapons in their cause. It spoke of + all he had nobly abandoned—social position, Government appointment, + etc.—to cast in his lot with theirs; his brilliant and impassioned + oratory, pitiless logic, with more in the same strain. + </p> + <p> + “I presume this is a socialistic print,” said Eden, after reading the + paragraph. “Well, I can't say I congratulate you on your new—departure. + Still, it is something to be thought well of by those you are working + with, and you can't complain that your editor has not laid it on thick + enough in this passage.” + </p> + <p> + Merton's brows contracted; he did not like this speech, and before + replying swallowed a glass of claret. + </p> + <p> + “Eden,” he returned, “this is too serious a matter for a jest. But I do + not think that anything is to be gained by discussing it. I should + certainly gain nothing by informing you that everyone has a right to live, + since a certain number of human beings must give up living, or, in other + words, live like dogs, in order that you may have something beyond the + mere necessaries of life—something to make your existence pleasant. + This only I will say. If you are one of those who persistently shut their + eyes to the fact that a change has come, that it will no longer be as it + has been, then all I have to say is, My friend, I have warned you, and + here we part company.” + </p> + <p> + “But not,” thought Eden, “before you have finished your second bottle of + claret.” He only said, “I really never had any taste for politics,” and + then added, “You have not said, Chance, whether your wife is with you in + this new—departure?” + </p> + <p> + “My wife,” said Merton, somewhat loftily, “is always with me.” But more + than that he did not say about his domestic affairs; nor did he even think + to give his address before they separated. + </p> + <p> + Eden did not fail to write to Fan, telling her that he had seen and talked + with Merton, and asking her to meet him at the Marble Arch on the next + Sunday morning, when he would be able to tell her all that had passed + between his friend and himself. She replied on the following day, + promising to meet him, in one of her characteristic letters, which he + always read over a great many times and admired very much, and which + nevertheless had always had the effect of irritating him a little and + making his hope for a time look pale. They were so transparently simple + and straightforward, and expressed so openly the friendly feelings she had + for him. + </p> + <p> + “What does she expect, what does she imagine, what does she think in her + own heart?” he said, as he sat holding her letter in his hand. “She can't + surely think that I am going to make a shop-girl my wife, and if she + doesn't hope for that, why has she consented to correspond with me, to + receive the books I send her, and to meet me so frequently? Or does she + believe that this is purely a platonic feeling between us—a mere + friendship such as one man has for another? I don't think so. Platonic + love is purely a delusion of the male mind. Women are colder than we are, + but instinctively they know the character of our feelings better than we + do ourselves. She must know that I love her. And yet she consents to meet + me, and she is, I am sure, a very pure-hearted girl. How are these seeming + contradictions to be reconciled? A philosopher has said that the mind of a + child is a clean sheet of paper on which you may write what you like. I + believe that some women have the power of keeping their minds in that + clean-sheet-of-paper condition for their own advantage. You may write what + you like on the paper, but only after you have paid for the privilege. Of + course, this view takes a good deal of the romance out of life; but I have + to deal with facts as I find them, and women as a rule are not romantic. + At all events, I have come to the conclusion that Miss Affleck is capable + of looking at this thing in a calm practical way. She will be my friend as + long as I am hers; she loses nothing by it, but gains a little. She will + also give me her whole heart if I ask for it, but not until I have given + her something better than the passion, which may not last, in return. A + poor girl, without friends or relations, and with nothing in prospect but + a life of dull drudgery—perhaps I am willing to give her more, far + more, than she dreams or hopes.” + </p> + <p> + So ran <i>his</i> dream; and yet when she met him on the Sunday morning + with a smile on her lips and a look of gladness in her eyes, and when he + listened to her voice again, he was troubled with some fresh doubts about + the correctness of his sheet-of-paper theory. + </p> + <p> + They walked about a little, and then sat for some time in the shade near + the Grosvenor Gate, while Eden told her everything that Merton had said, + and then made her read Merton's “Last Word” in the socialistic paper. Then + he went over the article, explaining the whole subject to her and pointing + out the writer's errors, which, he said, could only deceive the very + ignorant; but he did not inform her that he had spent two days working up + the subject, all for her benefit. She was made to see that Merton was + wrong in what he said, and that Mr. Eden had a very powerful intellect; + but she confessed ingenuously that she found the subject a difficult and + wearisome one. The intellectual errors of Merton were as nothing to her + compared with the unkindness of her friend in keeping out of her sight + when all the time she was living close by in London. Eden was secretly + glad that she took this view of the matter; from the first he had felt + that a reunion of the girls was the one thing he had to fear; and now Fan + was compelled to believe that her friend had deliberately thrown her off, + and did not wish even to hear from her. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Affleck—Fan—may I call you Fan?” he said, and having won + her consent, he continued, “I need not tell you again how much I + sympathise with you, but from the first I saw what you only clearly see + now, for you were not willing to believe that of your friend before. Do + you remember when you first lost her that I begged you to regard me as a + friend? You said that no man could take the place of Constance in your + heart. I did not say anything, but I felt, Fan, that you did not know what + a man's friendship can be. I hoped that you would know it some day; I hope + the day will come when you will be able to say from your heart that my + friendship has been something to you.” + </p> + <p> + “It has been a great deal to me, Mr. Eden; I should have said so long ago + if I had thought it necessary.” + </p> + <p> + “It was not necessary, Fan, but it is very pleasant to hear it from your + lips. Will you not call me Arthur?” + </p> + <p> + She consented to call him Arthur, and then he proposed a trip to Kew + Gardens. + </p> + <p> + “It will be too late if you go home to get your dinner first,” he said. + “If you don't mind we will just have a snack when we get there to keep up + our strength. Or let us have it here at once, and then we can give all our + time to the flowers when we get there. They are looking their best just + now.” + </p> + <p> + She consented, and they adjourned to an hotel close by, where the “snack” + developed into a very elaborate luncheon; and when they slipped out again + a brougham, which Eden had meanwhile ordered, was waiting at the door to + take them. + </p> + <p> + The drive down, and rambles about the flower-beds, and visit to the + tropical house, gave Fan great pleasure; and then Eden confessed that he + always found the beauty of Kew, or at all events the flowery portion of + it, a little cloying; he preferred that further part where trees grew, and + the grass was longer, with an occasional weed in it, and where Nature + didn't quite look as if an army of horticultural Truefitts were + everlastingly clipping at her wild tresses with their scissors and rubbing + pomatum and brilliantine on her green leaves. To that comparatively incult + part they accordingly directed their steps, and found a pleasant + resting-place on a green slope with great trees behind them and others but + small and scattered before, and through the light foliage of which they + could see the gleam of the Thames, while the plash of oars and the hum of + talk and laughter from the waterway came distinctly to their ears. But + just on that spot they seemed to have the Gardens to themselves, no other + visitors being within sight. The day was warm and the turf dry, but for + fear of moisture Eden spread his light covert coat for Fan to sit on, and + then stretched himself out by her side. + </p> + <p> + “In this position I can watch your face,” he said. “Usually when we are + sitting or standing together I only half see your eyes. They hide + themselves under those shady lashes like violets under their leaves. Now I + can look straight up into them and read all their secrets.” + </p> + <p> + “I shouldn't like you to do that—I mean to look steadily at my + eyes.” + </p> + <p> + “Why not, Fan; is it not a pleasant thing to have a friend look into one's + eyes?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, just for a moment, but not—” and then she came to a stop. + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps you are right,” he said after a while, finding she did not + continue. “I wonder if I can guess what was in your mind just then? Was it + that our eyes reveal all they are capable of revealing at a glance, in an + instant; that at a glance we see all that we wish to see; but that they do + not and cannot reveal our inner self, the hidden things of the soul; and + that when our eyes are gazed steadily at it looks like an attempt to + pierce to that secret part of us?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I think that is so.” + </p> + <p> + “And yet I think that friends that love and trust each other ought not to + have that uncomfortable feeling. Why should you have it, for instance, in + a case where your friend freely opens his heart to you, and tells you + every thought and feeling he has about you? For instance, if I were to + open my heart to you now and tell you all that is in it—every + thought and every wish?” + </p> + <p> + She glanced at him and her lips moved, but she did not speak, and after a + little he continued: + </p> + <p> + “Listen, Fan, and you shall hear it all. In the first place there is the + desire to see you contented and happy. The desire brings the thought that + happiness results from the possession of certain things, which, in your + case, fate has put out of your reach. Your future is uncertain, and in the + event of a serious illness or an accident, you might at any time be + deprived of your only means of subsistence; so that to free you from that + anxiety about the future which makes perfect happiness impossible, a fixed + income sufficient for anything and settled on you for life would be + required. And now, Fan, may I tell you how I should like to act to put + these thoughts and feelings about you into practice?” + </p> + <p> + “How?” said Fan, glancing for a moment with some curiosity at his face. + </p> + <p> + “This is what I should do—how gladly! I should invest a sum of money + for your benefit, and appoint trustees who would pay you the interest + every year as long as you lived. I should also buy a pretty little house + in some nice neighbourhood, like this one of Kew, for instance, and have + it beautifully decorated and furnished, and make you a present of it, so + that you would have your own home. If you wished to study music or + painting, or any other art or subject, I should employ masters to instruct + you. And I should also give you books, and jewels, and dresses, and go + with you to plays and concerts, and take you abroad to see other countries + more beautiful than ours.” + </p> + <p> + Here he paused as if expecting some reply, but she spoke no word; she only + glanced for a moment at his upturned face with a look of wonder and + trouble in her eyes. + </p> + <p> + Then he continued, “And in return for all that, Fan, and for my love—the + love I have felt for you since I saw you on that evening at Norland Square—I + should only ask you to be my friend still, but with a sweeter, closer, + more precious friendship than you have hitherto had for me.” + </p> + <p> + Again she glanced at him, but only for an instant; for a few moments more + she continued silent, deeply troubled, then with face still averted, + pressed her hand on the ground to assist her in rising; but he caught her + by the wrist and detained her. + </p> + <p> + “Have you nothing to say to me, Fan?” he asked. + </p> + <p> + “Only that I wish to stand up, Arthur, if you will let me.” + </p> + <p> + She spoke so quietly, in a tone so like her usual one, using his Christian + name too, that he looked searchingly at her, not yet knowing how his words + had affected her. Her cheeks were flushed, but she was evidently not + angry, only a little excited perhaps at his declaration. Her manner only + served to raise his hopes. + </p> + <p> + “Then let me assist you,” he said, springing lightly to his feet, and + drawing her up. But before she could steady herself his arms were round + her waist, and she was drawn and held firmly against his breast while he + kissed her two or three times on the cheek. + </p> + <p> + After freeing herself from his embrace, still silent, she walked hurriedly + away; then Eden, snatching up his coat from the grass, ran after her and + was quickly at her side. + </p> + <p> + “Dearest Fan, are you angry with me that you refuse to speak?” he said, + seizing her hand. + </p> + <p> + “I have nothing to say, Mr. Eden. Will you release my hand, as I wish to + go home?” + </p> + <p> + “I must go back to town with you, Fan,” he returned. “I will release your + hand if you will sit down on this bench and let me speak to you. We must + not part in this way.” + </p> + <p> + After a few moments' hesitation she sat down, still keeping her face + averted from him. Then he dropped her hand and sat down near her. His + hopes were fast vanishing, and he was not only deeply disappointed but + angry; and with these feelings there mingled some remorse, he now began to + think that he had surprised and pained her. Never had she seemed more + sweet and desirable than now, when he had tempted her and she had turned + silently away. + </p> + <p> + “For heaven's sake don't be so angry with me, Fan,” he said at length. “It + is not just. I could not help loving you; and if you have old-fashioned + ideas about such things, and can't agree to my proposals, why can't we + agree to differ, and not make matters worse by quarrelling? My only wish, + goodness knows, was to make you happy; there is no sacrifice I would not + gladly make for your sake, for I do love you, Fan, with all my heart.” + </p> + <p> + She listened quietly, but every sentence he uttered only had the effect of + widening the distance between them. Her only answer was, “I wish to go + home now—will you let me go by myself?” + </p> + <p> + But he caught her hand again when she attempted to rise, and forced her to + remain on the seat. + </p> + <p> + “No, Fan, you must not go before you have answered me,” he returned, his + face darkening with anger. “You have no right to treat me in this way. + What have I said to stir up such a tempest?” + </p> + <p> + “There is no tempest, Mr. Eden. What can I say to you except that we have + both been mistaken? I was wrong to meet you, but I did not know—it + did not seem wrong. That was my mistake.” + </p> + <p> + Her voice was low and trembled a little, and there was still no note of + anger in it. It touched his heart, and yet he could not help being angry + with her for destroying his hopes, and it was with some bitterness that he + replied: + </p> + <p> + “You have told me your mistake; now what was mine?” + </p> + <p> + “That you know already.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I know it; but I do not know what you imagine. I may be able to show + you yet that you are too harsh with me.” + </p> + <p> + After an interval of silence she answered: + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Eden, I believe you have heard the story of my origin from Mr. + Chance. I suppose that he knows what I came from. No doubt he thought it + right to separate his wife from me for the same reason that made you think + that you could buy me with money, just as you could buy anything else you + might wish to have. You would not have made such a proposal to one in your + own class, though she might be an orphan and friendless and obliged to + work for her living.” + </p> + <p> + “You are altogether mistaken,” he returned warmly. “I know absolutely + nothing of your origin, and if I had known all about it that would not + have had the slightest effect. Gentle birth or not, I should have made the + same proposal; and if you imagine that ladies do not often receive and + accept such proposals, you know little of what goes on in the world. But + you must not think for a moment that I ever tried to find out your history + from Merton. I put one question to him about you, and one only. Let me + tell you what it was, and the answer he gave me. I asked him where you + came from, or what your people were, and gave him a reason for my + question, which was that the surname of Affleck had a peculiar interest + for me. There was nothing wrong in that, I think? He said that you were an + orphan, that the lady you lived with, not liking your own name, gave you + the name of Affleck, solely because it took her fancy, or was uncommon, + not because you had any relations of that name.” + </p> + <p> + “He did not know, I suppose, that it was my mother's name,” said Fan. + </p> + <p> + But the moment she had spoken it flashed across her mind that by that + incautious speech she had revealed the secret of her birth, and her face + crimsoned with shame and confusion. + </p> + <p> + But the other did not notice it; and without raising his eyes from the + ground he returned—“Your mother's name—what was her name?” + </p> + <p> + “Margaret Affleck,” she answered; and thinking that it was not too late to + repair the mistake she had made, and preserve her secret, she added, “That + was her maiden name, and when the lady I lived with heard it, she + preferred to call me by it because she did not like my right name.” + </p> + <p> + “And what was your father's name?” + </p> + <p> + “I cannot answer any more questions, Mr. Eden,” she returned, after an + interval of silence. “It cannot matter to you in the least. Perhaps you + say truly that it would have made no difference to you if I had come of a + good family. That does not make me less unhappy, or alter my opinion of + you. My only wish now is to go away, and to be left alone by you.” + </p> + <p> + He continued silently prodding at the turf with his stick, his eyes fixed + on the ground. She was nervous and anxious to make her escape, and could + not help glancing frequently at his face, so strange in its unaccustomed + gloom and look of abstraction. Suddenly he lifted his eyes to hers and + said: + </p> + <p> + “And if I refuse to leave you alone, Fan?” + </p> + <p> + “Must I, then, go away altogether?” she returned with keen distress. “Will + you be so cruel as to hunt me out of the place where I earn my bread? I + have no one to protect me, Mr. Eden—surely you will not carry out + such a threat, and force me to hide myself in some distant place!” + </p> + <p> + “Do you think you could hide yourself where I would not find you, Fan?” he + answered, looking up with a strange gleam in his eyes and a smile on his + lips. + </p> + <p> + She did not reply, although his words troubled her strangely. After a + while he added: + </p> + <p> + “No, Fan; you need not fear any persecution from me. You are just as safe + in your shop in Regent Street, where you earn your bread, as you would be + at the Antipodes.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you,” she returned. “Will you let me go home now?” + </p> + <p> + “We must go back together as we came,” he said. + </p> + <p> + “I am sorry you think we must go back together. Is it only to annoy me?” + </p> + <p> + “Why should you think that, my girl?” he said, but in an indifferent tone, + and still sullenly prodding at the ground with his stick. After a time he + continued, “I don't want to lose sight of you just yet, Fan, or to think + when we part it will be for ever. If you knew how heavy my heart is you + would not be so bitter against me. Perhaps before we get back to town you + will have kinder thoughts. When you remember the pleasant hours we have + spent together you will perhaps be able to give me your hand and say that + you are my friend still.” + </p> + <p> + Up to this moment she had felt only the pain of her wound and the desire + to escape and hide herself from his sight; but his last words had the + effect of kindling her anger—the anger which took so long to kindle, + and which now, as on one or two former occasions, suddenly took complete + possession of her and instantly drove out every other feeling. Her face + had all at once grown white, and starting to her feet, she stood facing + him. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Eden,” she said, her words coming rapidly, with passion, from her + lips, “do you wish me to say more than I have said? Would you like to know + what I think of you?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes; what do you think of me, Fan? I think it would be rather interesting + to hear.” + </p> + <p> + “I think you have acted very treacherously all along. I believe that from + the first you have had it in your mind to—to make me this offer, but + you have never let me suspect such a thing. Your kindness and interest in + the Chances—it was all put on. I believe you are incapable of an + unselfish feeling. Your love I detest, and every word you have spoken + since you told me of it has only made me think worse of you. You thought + you could buy me, and if your heart is heavy it is only because you have + not succeeded—because I will not sell myself. I dare say you have + plenty of money, but if you had ten times as much you couldn't buy a + better opinion of you than I have given. My only wish is never to see you + again. I wish I could forget you! I detest you! I detest you!” + </p> + <p> + Not one word did he reply; nor had he listened to her excited words with + any show of interest; but his eyes continued cast down, and the expression + of his face was still dark and strangely abstracted. + </p> + <p> + For some moments she remained standing before him, still white and + trembling with the strength of her emotions; then turning, she walked away + through the trees. He did not follow her this time; and when, still + fearing, she cast back one hurried glance at him from a considerable + distance, he was sitting motionless in the same attitude, with eyes fixed + on the ground before him. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0034" id="link2HCH0034"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIV + </h2> + <p> + With a mind agitated with a variety of emotions—her still active + resentment, grief at her loss, and a burning sense of shame at the thought + that her too ready response to Eden's first advances had misled and + tempted him—Fan set about destroying and putting from her all + reminders of this last vanished friendship. + </p> + <p> + She burnt the letters, and made up his books into a large package: there + were about fifteen volumes by this time, including one that she had been + reading with profound interest. She would never know the end of that tale—the + pathetic history of a beautiful young girl, friendless like herself in + London; nor would she ever again see that book or hear its title spoken + without experiencing a pain at her heart. The parcel was addressed in + readiness to be sent off next morning, and there being nothing more to + occupy her hands, she sat down in her room, overcome with a feeling of + utter loneliness. Why was she alone, without one person in all the world + to care for her? Was it because of her poverty, her lowly origin, or + because she was not clever? She had been called pretty so often—Mary, + Constance, all of them had said so much in praise of her beauty; but how + poor a thing this was if it could not bind a single soul to her, if all + those who loved for a time parted lightly from her—those of her own + sex; while the feeling that it inspired in men was one she shrunk + fearfully from. + </p> + <p> + During the next few days she was ill at ease, and in constant fear of some + action on Mr. Eden's part, dictated by passion or some other motive. But + she saw and heard nothing of him; even the parcel of books was not + acknowledged, and by Thursday she had almost convinced herself that he had + abandoned the pursuit. On the evening of that day, just after she had gone + up to her room at the top of the house, her heavy-footed landlady was + heard toiling up after her, and coming into the room, she sank down + panting in a chair. + </p> + <p> + “These stairs do try my heart, miss,” she said, “but you didn't hear me + call from my room when you came up. There's a gentleman waiting to see you + in the parlour. I took him in there because he wouldn't go away until he + had seen you.” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Eden—oh, why has he come here to make me more unhappy?” thought + Fan, turning pale with apprehension. + </p> + <p> + “He's that impatient, miss, you'd better go down soon. He's been ringing + the bell every five minutes to see if you'd come, and says you are very + late.” Then she got up and set out on her journey downstairs, but paused + at the door. “Oh, here's the gentleman's card—I quite forgot it.” + And placing it on the table, she left the room. + </p> + <p> + For some moments Fan stood hesitating, then without removing her hat, and + with a wildly-beating heart, moved to the door. As she did so she glanced + at the card, and was astonished to find that it was not Arthur Eden's. The + name on it was “Mr. Tytherleigh,” and beneath, in the left-hand corner, + “Messrs. Travers, Enwright, and Travers, Solicitors, Lincoln's Inn + Fields.” + </p> + <p> + Who was Mr. Tytherleigh? And what had she, a poor friendless girl, to do + with a firm of lawyers? Then it occurred to her that it was Arthur Eden + after all who wished to see her, and that he had sent her up this false + card only to inveigle her into an interview. Her ideas about the code of a + gentleman were somewhat misty. It is true that Eden had taken advantage of + her friendless position, and had lied to her, and worn a mask, and + deliberately planned to make her his mistress; but he would no more have + taken another man's name in order to see her than he would have picked a + pocket or sent a libellous post-card. Being ignorant of these fine + distinctions, she went down to the little sitting-room on the ground floor + greatly fearing. Her visitor was standing at the window on the opposite + side of the room, and turned round as she entered; a natty-looking man, + middle-aged, with brown moustache, shrewd blue eyes, and a genial + expression. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Affleck?” he said, bowing and coming a few steps forward. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, that is my name,” she returned, greatly relieved at finding a + stranger. + </p> + <p> + “You look pale—not quite well, I fear. Will you sit down?” he said. + Then he added with a smile, “I hope my visit has not alarmed you, Miss + Affleck? It is a very simple and harmless matter I have come to you about. + We—the firm of Travers and Co.—have been for a long time + trying to trace a person named Affleck, and hearing accidentally that a + young lady of that name lodged here, I called to make a few inquiries.” + While speaking he had taken a newspaper—the <i>Standard</i>—from + his pocket, and pointing out an advertisement in the second column of the + first page, asked her to read it. + </p> + <p> + She read as follows: + </p> + <p> + Margaret Affleck (maiden name). Messrs. Travers, Enwright, and Travers, + Solicitors, Lincoln's Inn Fields, wish to communicate with this person, + who was in service in London about sixteen years ago, and is supposed to + have married about that time. A reward will be given for any information + relating to her. + </p> + <p> + “That was my mother's name,” said Fan. + </p> + <p> + “Then may I ask you, why did you not reply to this advertisement, which, + you see, is upwards of three years old, and was inserted repeatedly in + several papers?” + </p> + <p> + “I never saw it—I did not read the newspapers. But my mother has + been dead a long time. I should not have answered this if I had seen it.” + </p> + <p> + “No? That sounds strange. Will you kindly tell me why you call yourself by + your mother's maiden name?” + </p> + <p> + She coloured and hesitated for some moments, and then returned, “I cannot + tell you that. If my mother was the Margaret Affleck you advertised for, + and something has been left to her, or some relation wishes to trace her, + it is too late now. She is dead, and it is nothing to me.” + </p> + <p> + This she said with some bitterness and a look of pain; he, meanwhile, + closely studying her face. + </p> + <p> + “Nothing to you, Miss Affleck? If money had been left to your mother, it + would, I imagine, be something to you, she being dead. As it happens—there + is no legacy—no money—nothing left; but I think I know what + you mean by saying that it would be of no advantage to you.” + </p> + <p> + “What do I mean?” she said, still led on to speak after resolving to say + no more. + </p> + <p> + “You mean that your mother was never married.” + </p> + <p> + Her face flushed hotly, and she rose from her chair. Mr. Tytherleigh also + rose quickly from his seat, fearing that she was about to leave the room + without saying more. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Affleck,” he said, “will you allow me to make a little explanation + before asking you any more questions? I have said that there is no money + left to Margaret Affleck, but I can safely say that if you are the + daughter of that Margaret advertised for so long ago, you can lose nothing + by giving us any information you may possess. Certainly you can lose + nothing by assisting us, but you might gain a great deal. Please look + again at this advertisement—'supposed to have married'—but <i>was</i> + your mother ever married?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, she was,” answered Fan, a little reluctantly. “Her husband's name + was Joseph Harrod; but I do not know where he is. I left him years ago.” + </p> + <p> + “Nor do we want him. But tell me this, Miss Affleck, and please do not be + offended with me for asking so painful a question; but everything hinges + on it. Are you the child of this Joseph Harrod—your mother's + husband?” + </p> + <p> + She cast down her eyes. It was a hard question to answer; but the kind + tone in which he had spoken had won her heart, for kindness was very + precious to her just now, and quickly had its effect, in spite of her + recent sad experience. She could not help trusting him. “No, he was not my + father,” she answered. + </p> + <p> + “And who was your father, Miss Affleck?” + </p> + <p> + “I do not know.” + </p> + <p> + “But do you know absolutely nothing about him—did your mother never + mention him to you? How do you come to know that Joseph Harrod was not + your father?” + </p> + <p> + “My mother told me. She said that my father was a gentleman, and—that + I looked like him. She would not tell me his name, because she had taken + an oath never to reveal it to anyone.” + </p> + <p> + He was watching her face as she spoke, her—eyes cast down. “One + question more, Miss Affleck: do you happen to know where your mother was + born?” + </p> + <p> + “She came from Norfolk.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Tytherleigh rested an elbow on the table, and thrusting his fingers + through his hair, stared down at the note-book in which he had been + writing down her answers. “How strange—how very strange!” he + remarked. Presently he added, “We must find out where you were baptised, + Miss Affleck; you do not know, I suppose?” + </p> + <p> + She could not tell him, and after some further conversation, and hearing a + brief sketch of her life, her visitor rose to go. “Mr. Tytherleigh,” said + Fan, “I remember something now I wish to tell you. One day, when I was + about twelve years old, I went with mother to a street near Manchester + Square, where she had some work, and on the way back to Edgware Road we + passed a small curious old-looking church with a churchyard crowded thick + with grave-stones. It was a very narrow street, and the grave-stones were + close to the pavement, and I stopped to read the words on one. Then mother + said, 'That is the church I was married in, Fan, and where you were + christened.' But I do not know the name of the church, nor of the street + it is in.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Tytherleigh took down this information. “I shall soon find it,” he + said; and promising to write or see her again in two or three days' time, + he left her. + </p> + <p> + She had not so long to wait. On the next day, after returning from Regent + Street, she was called down to see Mr. Tytherleigh once more. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Affleck,” he said, advancing with a smile to meet her, “I am very + glad to be able to tell you that our inquiries have satisfied us that you + are the daughter of the Margaret Affleck we advertised for. And I can now + add that when we were seeking for your mother, or information of her, our + real object was to find <i>you.</i>” + </p> + <p> + “To find me!” exclaimed Fan, starting up from her seat, a new hope in her + heart. “Do you know then who my father is?” + </p> + <p> + <i>“Was</i>—yes. You have no father living. I did not wish to say + too much yesterday, but from the moment I saw you and heard your voice, I + was satisfied that I had found the right person.” + </p> + <p> + “Is it then true that I resemble my father?” + </p> + <p> + “When I said that I was thinking less of your father than of your father's + son.” + </p> + <p> + “Then I have a brother living!” she exclaimed excitedly, an expression on + her face in which anxiety and a new glad hope were strangely blended. + “Have I sisters too? Oh, how I have wished to have a sister! Can you tell + me?” Then suddenly her face clouded, and dropping her voice, she said, + “But they will not know me—they will be ashamed to own me. I shall + never see them—I shall be nothing to them!” + </p> + <p> + “No, Miss Affleck, you have no sisters. Your father, Colonel Eden, had + only one son, Mr. Arthur Eden, whom you know.” + </p> + <p> + “Colonel Eden! Mr. Arthur Eden!” she repeated, with a strange bewildered + look. “Is he my brother—Arthur—Arthur!” And while the words + came like a cry of anguish from her lips, she turned away, and with hands + clasped before her, took a few uncertain steps across the room, then + sinking on to the sofa, burst into a great passion of tears and sobs. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Tytherleigh went to the window and stared at the limited view at the + back; after a while he came to her side. “Miss Affleck,” he said, “I fully + believed when I came to see you that I had welcome news to tell. I am + sorry to see you so much distressed.” + </p> + <p> + Restraining her sobs she listened, and his words and tone of surprise + served to rouse and alarm her, since such a display of emotion on her part + might make him suspect her secret—that hateful secret of Arthur + Eden's passion, which must be buried for ever. In the brief space of time + which had passed since he had made his announcement, and that cry of pain + had risen from her lips, a change had already taken place in her feelings. + All the bitter sense of injury and insult, and the anger mixed with + apprehension, had vanished; her mind had reverted to the condition in + which it had been before the experience at Kew Gardens; only the feeling + of affection had increased a hundred-fold. She remembered now only all + that had seemed good in him, his sweet courteous manner, his innumerable + acts and words of kindness, and the goodness was no longer a mask and a + sham, but a reality. For he was her brother, and the blood of one father + ran in their veins; and now that dark cloud, that evil dream, which had + come between them, had passed away, and she could cast herself on her + knees before him to beg him to forgive and forget the cruel false words + she had spoken to him in her anger, and take her to his heart. But in the + midst of all the tumult of thoughts and feelings stirring in her, there + was the fear that he would now be ashamed of his base-born sister and + avoid her. + </p> + <p> + “I am afraid that I have no cause to feel happy,” she returned at last. + “Arthur Eden knows me so well, and if he had not felt ashamed of finding a + sister in me, he would have come to me himself instead of sending a + stranger. But perhaps,” she added with fresh hope, “he does not know what + you have told me?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, he knows certainly, since it was he who discovered that you were the + daughter of a Margaret Affleck. I have been acting on his instructions, + and told him to-day when I saw him that there was no doubt that you were + Colonel Eden's child. It was better, he thought, and I agreed with him, + that you should hear this from me. He is anxious to see you himself, and + until you see him you must not allow such fancies to disturb you. He had + no sooner made the discovery I have mentioned the day before yesterday—Wednesday—than + he hastened to us to instruct us what to do in the case.” + </p> + <p> + Wednesday! But he had heard about Margaret Affleck on Sunday—why had + he kept silence all that time? She could not guess, but it seemed there + had been some delay, some hesitation, on his part. The thought sorely + troubled her, but she kept it to herself. “Do you think he will come to + see me this evening?” she asked, with some trouble in her voice. + </p> + <p> + “He said to-morrow. And, by-the-bye, Miss Affleck, he asked me to say that + he hopes you will be in when he calls to see you.” + </p> + <p> + “But I must go to my place for the day.” + </p> + <p> + “About that, Mr. Eden thinks you had better not go yourself. I shall see + or write to your employer this evening to let him know that you will be + unable to attend to-morrow.” + </p> + <p> + “But I might lose my place then,” said Fan, surprised at the cool way in + which Mr. Tytherleigh invited her to take a holiday, and thinking of what + the grim and terrible manager would say. + </p> + <p> + “I cannot say more,” he returned. “I have only stated Mr. Eden's wishes, + and certainly think it would be better not to risk missing him by going + out tomorrow. In any case I shall see or communicate with your employer.” + </p> + <p> + He left her with an excited mind which kept her awake a greater part of + the night, and next morning she resolved to do as she had been told and + remain in all day, even at the risk of losing her situation. Then as the + hours wore on and Arthur came not, her excitement increased until it was + like a fever in her veins, and made her lips dry, and burnt in her cheeks + like fire. She could not read, nor work, nor sit still; nor could she take + any refreshment, with that gnawing hunger in her heart; but hour after + hour she moved about her narrow room until her knees trembled under her, + and she was ready to sink down, overcome with despair that the brother she + had found and loved was ashamed to own her for a sister. Finally she set + the door of her room open, and at every sound in the house she flew to the + landing to listen; and at last, about five o'clock, on going for the + hundredth time to the landing, she heard a visitor come into the hall and + ask for “Miss Affleck.” She hurried down to the ground floor, passing the + servant girl who had admitted her brother and was going up to call her. + When she entered the sitting-room Eden was standing on the further side + staring fixedly at a picture on the wall. It was a picture of a + fashionable young lady of bygone days, taken out of one of L.E.L.'s or + Lady Blessington's <i>Beauty Books;</i> she was represented wearing a + shawl and flounced dress, and with a row of symmetrical curls on each side + of her head—a thing to make one laugh and weep at the same time, to + think of the imbecility of the human mind of sixty years ago that found + anything to admire in a face so utterly inane and lackadaisical. So + absorbed was Eden in this work of art that he did not seem to hear the + door open and his sister's steps on the worn carpet. + </p> + <p> + “Arthur—at last!” she cried, advancing to him, all her sisterly + affections and anxiety thrilling in her voice. + </p> + <p> + He half turned towards her with a careless “How d'ye do, Fan?” and then + once more became absorbed in contemplating the picture. + </p> + <p> + Her first impulse on entering the room had been to throw her arms about + his neck, but the momentary glimpse of his face she had caught when he + turned to greet her arrested her steps. His face was deathly pale, and + there was an excited look in his eye which seemed strangely to contrast + with his light, indifferent tone. + </p> + <p> + “A very fine picture that; I shouldn't mind having it if the owner cares + to part with it,” he said at length, and then half turning again, regarded + her out of the corners of his eyes. “Well, Fan, what do you think of all + this curious business?” he added, with a slight laugh. + </p> + <p> + For how many hours she had been trying to picture this meeting in her + mind, now imagining him tender and affectionate as she wished him to be, + now cold or contemptuous or resentful; and in every case her heated brain + had suggested the very words he would use to her; but for this careless + tone, and the inexplicable look on his face, according so ill with his + tone, she was quite unprepared, and for some time she could make no reply + to his words. + </p> + <p> + “Arthur,” she spoke at last, “if you could have known how anxiously I have + been waiting for you since yesterday, I think you would in mercy have come + a little sooner.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, no, Fan, I think not,” he returned, still careless. + </p> + <p> + She advanced two or three steps nearer. + </p> + <p> + “Have you then come at last only to confirm my worst fears? Tell me, + Arthur—my brother! Are you sorry to have me for a sister?” + </p> + <p> + Again he laughed. + </p> + <p> + “What a simple maiden you must be to ask such a question!” he said. + “Sorry? Good God, I should think so! Sorry is no word for it. If Fate + thought it necessary to thrust a sister on me I wish it had rather been + some yellow-skinned, sour old spinster, but not you.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you hate me then?” she exclaimed, misinterpreting his meaning in her + agitation. “Oh what have I done to deserve such unhappiness? Have I + brought it on myself by those cruel words I spoke to you when we last + met?” + </p> + <p> + He had turned again towards her and was watching her face, but when she + looked at him his eyes dropped. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I remember your words, Fan,” he said. “You abused me at Kew Gardens, + and you think I am having my revenge. You would remember me, you said, + only to detest me. Am I less a monster now because I am your relation?” + </p> + <p> + “Arthur, forgive me—can you not say that you forgive me?” coming + still nearer, and putting out her hands pleadingly to him. + </p> + <p> + His lips moved but made no sound; and she, urged on by that great craving + in her heart, at length stood by his side, but he averted his face from + her. + </p> + <p> + “Arthur,” she spoke again in pleading tones, “will you not look at me?” + Then, with sudden anguish, she added, “Have I lost everything you once saw + in me to make you love me?” But he still made no sign; and growing bolder + she put her arm round his neck. “Arthur, speak to me,” she pleaded. “It + will break my heart if you cannot love me.” + </p> + <p> + All at once he looked her full in the face, and their eyes met in a long + gaze, hers tender and pleading, his wild and excited. His lips had grown + dry and almost of the colour of his cheeks, and his breath seemed like a + flame to her skin. “Arthur, will you refuse to love me, your sister?” she + murmured tenderly, drawing her arm more tightly about his neck until his + face was brought down to hers, then pressing her soft lips to his dry + mouth. + </p> + <p> + He did not resist her caress, only a slight shiver passed through his + frame, and closing his eyes, he dropped his forehead on her shoulder. + </p> + <p> + “Do you know what you are doing, Fan?” he murmured. “I have had such a + hard fight, and now—my victory is turned to defeat! You ask me to + love you; poor girl, it would be better if I scorned you and broke your + heart! Darling, I love you—you cannot conceive how much. If you + could—if one spark of this fire that burns my blood could drop into + yours, then it would be sweeter than heaven to live and die with you!” + </p> + <p> + He lifted his face again, and his lips sought hers, to cling long and + passionately to them, while he gathered her in his arms and drew her + against his breast, closer and closer, until she could scarcely refrain + from crying out with pain. Then suddenly he released her, almost flinging + her from him, and walking to the sofa on the other side of the room, he + sat down and buried his face in his hands. + </p> + <p> + Fan remained standing where he had left her, too stunned and confused by + this violent outburst of passion to speak or move. At length he rose, and + without a word, without even casting a look at her, left the room. Then, + recovering possession of her faculties, she hurried out after him, but on + gaining the hall found that he had already left the house. + </p> + <p> + Not knowing what to think or fear, she went to her room and sat down. The + meeting to which she had looked forward so impatiently had come and was + over, and now she did not know whether to rejoice or to lament. For an + hour she sat in her close hot room, unable to think clearly on the + subject, oppressed with a weak drowsy feeling she could not account for. + At last she remembered that she had spent an anxious sleepless night, and + had taken no refreshment during the day, and rousing herself she went + downstairs to ask the landlady to give her some tea. It refreshed her, and + lying down without undressing on her bed, she fell into a deep sleep, from + which she did not awake until about ten o'clock. Lying there, still + drowsy, and again mentally going through that interview with Arthur, her + eye was attracted by the white gleam of an envelope lying on the dusky + floor—a letter which the servant had thrust in under the door for + her. It was from Arthur. + </p> + <p> + MY DEAR SISTER [he wrote], I fear I have offended you more deeply than + ever; I was scarcely sane when I saw you to-day. Try, for God's sake, to + forget it. I am leaving London to-morrow for a few weeks, and trust that + when I return you will let me see you again; for until you assure me with + your own lips, Fan, that I am forgiven, the thought of my behaviour to-day + will be a constant misery. And will you in the meantime let yourself be + guided by Mr. Travers, who was our father's solicitor and friend, and who + can tell you what his last wishes about you were? Whatever you may receive + from Mr. Travers will come to you, <i>not from me,</i> but from your + father. If Mr. Travers asks you to his house please go, and look on him as + your best friend. I believe that Mr. Tytherleigh intends calling on you + to-morrow at one o'clock, and I think that he has already informed your + employer that it will not be convenient for you to attend again at Regent + Street. + </p> + <p> + Good-bye for a time, dear sister, and try, try to think as kindly as you + can of Your affectionate brother, + </p> + <p> + ARTHUR EDEN. + </p> + <p> + This letter had the effect of dissipating every sad and anxious thought, + and Fan undressed and went to bed, only to lie awake thinking of her + happiness. Her heart was overflowing with love for her brother; for how + great a comfort, a joy, it was to know that after all that had happened he + was good and not bad! He was indeed more than good in the ordinary sense + of the word, for what kindness and generosity and delicacy he had + displayed towards her in his letter. So far did her leniency go that she + even repeated his mad words, “Darling, I love you, you cannot conceive how + much,” again and again with a secret satisfaction; for how hard it would + have been if that passionate love he had felt for her, which only the + discovery of their close relationship had made sinful, or inconvenient, + had changed to aversion or cold indifference; and this would certainly + have happened if Arthur Eden had not been so noble-minded a person. + </p> + <p> + When morning came she could not endure the thought that he was going away + without that assurance from her own lips of which he had spoken. Mr. + Tytherleigh would call to see her at one o'clock, but there were three or + four long hours to get rid of before then, and in the end she dressed + herself and went boldly to his apartments in Albemarle Street, where she + arrived about eleven o'clock. + </p> + <p> + The servant who answered her knock did not know whether she could see Mr. + Eden, and summoned her mistress. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Eden has only been home about an hour,” said this lady, a little + stiffly. “He said he was going to sleep, and that he was not to be + disturbed on any account.” + </p> + <p> + “But he is going to leave town to-day, and I <i>must</i> see him,” + returned Fan. Then, with a blush brightening her cheeks, she added, “I am + his sister.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, miss, so you are!” exclaimed the woman astonished, and breaking out + in smiles. “I never knew that Mr. Eden had a sister, but I might have + guessed it when I saw you, for you are his very image. I'll just go up and + ask him if he can see you.” + </p> + <p> + Fan, in her impatience, followed her up into Eden's sitting-room on the + first floor. At the further end of the room the woman rapped at the door. + </p> + <p> + “What the devil do you want now? I told you not to disturb me,” was + shouted in no amiable voice from inside. + </p> + <p> + Fan hurried to the door and called through the keyhole, “Arthur, I must + see you before you leave town.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Fan, is that you? I really beg your pardon,” he replied. “All right; + make yourself comfortable, and I'll be with you in five minutes.” + </p> + <p> + Fan, left alone, began an inspection of her brother's “den,” about which + she had often heard him speak, and the first object which took her + attention was a brown-paper parcel lying on a chair against the wall. It + was the parcel of novels she had returned to him a few days before, not + yet opened. But when she looked round for that large collection of books, + about which he had spoken to her, she found it not, nor anything in the + way of literature except half a dozen volumes lying on the table, bearing + Mudie's yellow labels on their covers. Near the chair on which the parcel + was lying a large picture rested on the carpet, leaning against the wall. + A sheet of tissue paper covered it, which her curiosity prompted her to + remove, and then how great was her surprise at being confronted with her + own portrait, exquisitely done in water-colours, half the size of life, + and in a very beautiful silver frame. How it got there was a mystery, but + not for one moment did she doubt that it was her own portrait; only it + looked, she thought, so much more beautiful than the reality. She had + never worn her hair in that picturesque way, nor had she ever possessed an + evening dress; yet she appeared in a lovely pale-blue dress, her neck and + arms bare, a delicate cream-coloured lace shawl on one arm resting on her + shoulder. + </p> + <p> + She was still standing before it, smiling with secret pleasure, and + blushing a little, when Eden, coming in, surprised her. + </p> + <p> + “I see you have made a discovery, Fan,” he said. + </p> + <p> + She turned quickly round, the bright colour suffusing her cheeks, and held + out her hand to him. He was pale and haggard, but the strange excited look + had left his face, and he smiled pleasantly as he took her hand and + touched her finger-tips to his lips. + </p> + <p> + “Why did you come to me here?” he asked, beginning to move restlessly + about the room. + </p> + <p> + “To give you that assurance with my own lips you asked for—I could + not let you go away without it. Will you not kiss me, Arthur?” + </p> + <p> + “No, not now. Do sit down, Fan. I thought that you would only feel the + greatest aversion to me, yet here you are in my own den trying to—You + imagine, I suppose, that a man is a kind of moral barrel-organ, and that + when the tune he has been grinding out for a long time gets out of date, + all he has got to do is to change the old cylinder for a new one and grind + out a fresh tune. Do you understand me, Fan?” + </p> + <p> + She considered his words for a little while and then answered, “Arthur, I + think it will be better—if you will not avoid me—if you will + believe that all my thoughts of you are pleasant thoughts. I do not think + you can be blamed for feeling towards me as you do.” She reddened and cast + down her eyes, dimmed with tears, then continued, “It was only that chance + discovery that makes you think so badly of yourself.” + </p> + <p> + “You are strangely tolerant,” he said, sitting down near her. “Strangely + and sweetly rational—so lenient, that if I did not know you as well + as I do, I might imagine that your moral sense is rather misty. Your + words, dear girl, make me sick of deceit and hypocrisy, and I shall not + try to see myself as you see me. I am worse than you imagine; if you knew + all you would not be so ready to invent excuses for me—you would not + forgive me.” Then he got up, and added, “But I am glad you came to see me, + Fan; your visit has done me ever so much good.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't send me away so soon, Arthur,” she returned. “What is it that I + could not forgive? You should not say that before you put me to the test.” + </p> + <p> + “Good heavens, Fan, do you wish me to do that? Well, perhaps that would be + best. I said that I was sick of deceit, and I ought to have the courage of + my opinions. Do you know that when Mr. Tytherleigh called to see you, my + lawyers had only just learnt the secret I had discovered several days + before?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I knew that.” + </p> + <p> + “But you don't know—you couldn't imagine why I kept back the + information.” + </p> + <p> + “I thought that the delay was because I had offended you—I didn't + think much about it.” + </p> + <p> + “Of course that was not the reason.” + </p> + <p> + “Then you must tell me, Arthur.” + </p> + <p> + “Must I tell you, dear sister? When you left me alone at Kew I asked + myself whether it would not be better to conceal what I had heard and + marry you. I don't know what madness possessed me. The instant you spoke + the words that Margaret Affleck was your mother's name, I was convinced + that you were my half-sister—the mystery of something in you, which + had always puzzled and baffled me, was made plain. Your voice at times was + like my father's voice, and perhaps like my own; and in your face and your + expression you are like my father's mother in a miniature of her taken + when she was a girl, and which I often used to see. And yet”—he + paused and turned his face from her,—“this very conviction that you + were so closely related to me made my feeling only stronger. Every + scornful word you uttered only made it stronger; it seemed to me that + unless I possessed you my life would not be worth having.... Even my + father's dying wishes were nothing to me.... And for three days and + nights.... How can you forgive me, Fan, when I had it in my heart to do + such a thing?” + </p> + <p> + “But I should not have consented to marry you,” said Fan simply. + </p> + <p> + “Consider, Fan; you, a poor friendless girl in London, with nothing to + look forward to. In a little while you would have recovered from your + anger, and in the end, when you knew how great my love was, you would have + consented. For I knew that you liked me very much; and perhaps you loved + me a little.” + </p> + <p> + “I did love you, Arthur, from the very first, but it was not that kind of + love. I know that I should never have felt it for you. I did not know that + you were my brother, but I think that my heart must have known it.” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps so, Fan; perhaps in hearts of such crystal purity as yours there + is some divine instinct which grosser natures are without. But you ignore + the point altogether. My crime was in the intention, and if it had proved + as you think, my guilt would have been just as great. That is my sin, Fan; + the thought was in my heart for days and nights, and though the days and + nights were horrible, I refused to part with my secret.” + </p> + <p> + “But, Arthur, you <i>did</i> part with it in the end. No one compelled you + to give it up.” + </p> + <p> + “No, no one. I was afraid, I think, that some horrible thing would happen + to me—that I would perhaps go mad if I carried out my intention; and + I was driven at last, not by conscience, but by servile fear to make a + clean breast of it.” + </p> + <p> + “But, Arthur,” she persisted, in a voice of keen pain, “is there any + difference between conscience and what you call fear? I know that I would + sometimes do wrong, and that fear prevents me. We have all good and bad in + us, and—the good overcame the bad in you.” + </p> + <p> + There was silence for some time between them, then Eden said, “Fan, what a + strange girl you are! The whiteness of your soul is such that it has even + pained me to think of it; and now that I have shown you all the blackness + of my own, and am sick of it myself, you look very calmly at it, and even + try to persuade me that it is not black at all. The one thing you have + said which sounds artificial, and like a copy-book lesson, is that we all + have good and bad in us. What is the bad in you, Fan—what evil does + it tempt you to do?” + </p> + <p> + This question seemed to disturb her greatly. + </p> + <p> + “For one thing,” she said hesitatingly, and casting her eyes down, “I + always hate those who injure me—and—and I am very + unforgiving.” Then, raising her eyes, which looked as if the tears were + near them, she added, “But, Arthur, please don't be offended with me if I + say that I don't think you are right to put such a question to me—just + now.” + </p> + <p> + “No, dear, it isn't right. From me to you it is a brutal question, and I + shall not offend again. But to hear you talk of your unforgiving temper + gives me a strange sensation—a desire to laugh and cry all at the + same time.” He looked at his watch. “I don't wish to drive you away, Fan, + but poor Mr. Tytherleigh will be at his wits' end if he misses you.” + </p> + <p> + “What is he going to see me about, Arthur?” + </p> + <p> + “I don't know at all. You are in Mr. Travers' hands.” + </p> + <p> + He was about to rise; but Fan, coming quickly to his side, stopped him. + </p> + <p> + “Good-bye, Arthur—my darling brother,” she said, stooping and + kissing him quickly on his cheek, then on his lips. “May I take one thing + away with me?” + </p> + <p> + “Your picture? Yes; you may take it if you like: that is to say, you may + keep it for a time. I shall not give it to you.” + </p> + <p> + “But it is mine—my own portrait,” said Fan, with a happy laugh. + “Though I do not know by what magic you got it.” + </p> + <p> + “That's easily explained. When I heard where you had had your photo taken, + I went and ordered a copy for myself. The negative had been preserved. + Then I had it enlarged, and the water-colour taken from it. And there are + your books, Fan—take them too.” + </p> + <p> + “I will take one, Arthur; I was just reading it when—” She did not + finish the sentence, but began hastily untying the parcel to get the book, + while her brother rang the bell, and ordered a cab “for Miss Eden.” + </p> + <p> + How strange—how sweet it sounded to her! + </p> + <p> + “Is that my name, Arthur?” she asked, turning to him with a look of glad + surprise. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, until you change it; and, by the way, you had better order yourself + some cards.” + </p> + <p> + A few minutes later and she was speeding northwards in a hansom, feeling + that the motion, so unlike that of the familiar lumbering omnibus, had a + wonderfully exhilarating effect on her. It was a pleasure she had not + tasted since the time when she lived in London with Mary, and that now + seemed to her a whole decade ago. But never in those past days had she + faced the fresh elastic breeze in so daintily-built a cab, behind so + fiery, swift-stepping a horse. Never had she felt so light-hearted. For + now she was not alone in life, but had a brother to love; and he loved + her, and had shown her his heart—all the good and the evil that was + in it; and all the evil she could forgive, and was ready to forget, and it + was nothing to her. She was even glad to think that when he had first seen + her in that little shabby sitting-room in Norland Square it had been to + love her. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0035" id="link2HCH0035"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXV + </h2> + <p> + Mr. Tytherleigh was already at her lodgings, and seeing her arrive, he + hurried out to ask her not to alight. Mr. Travers, he said, wished her to + move into better apartments; he had a short list in his pocket, and + offered to go with her to choose a place. Fan readily consented, and when + he had taken the picture into the house for her, he got into the cab, and + they drove off to the neighbourhood of Portman Square. In Quebec Street + they found what they wanted—two spacious and prettily—furnished + rooms on a first floor in a house owned by a Mrs. Fay. A respectable + woman, very attentive to her lodgers, Mr. Tytherleigh said, and known to + Mr. Travers through a country client of his having used the house for + several years. He also pronounced the terms very moderate, which rather + surprised Fan, whose ideas about moderation were not the same as his. + </p> + <p> + From Quebec Street they went to the London and Westminster Bank in + Stratford Place, where Fan was made to sign her name in a book; and as she + took the pen into her hand, not knowing what meaning to attach to all + these ceremonies, Mr. Tytherleigh, standing at her elbow, whispered + warningly—“<i>Frances Eden</i>.” She smiled, and a little colour + flushed her cheeks. Did he imagine that she had forgotten? that the name + of Affleck was anything more to her than a bit of floating thistledown, + which had rested on her for a moment only to float away again, to be + carried by some light wind into illimitable space, to be henceforth and + for ever less than nothing to her? After signing her new name a + cheque-book was handed to her; then Mr. Tytherleigh instructed her in the + mysterious art of drawing a cheque, and as a beginning he showed her how + to write one payable to self for twenty-five pounds; then after handing it + over the counter and receiving five bank-notes for it, they left the bank + and proceeded to a stationer's in Oxford Street, where Fan ordered her + cards. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Tytherleigh, as if reluctant to part from her, returned to Charlotte + Street in the cab at her side. During their ride back she began to + experience a curious sensation of dependence and helplessness. It would + have been very agreeable to her if this freer, sweeter life which she had + tasted formerly, and which was now hers once more, had come to her as a + gift from her brother; but he had distinctly told her that she had nothing + to thank him for, and only some very vague words about her father's dying + wishes had been spoken. Who then was she dependent on? She had not been + consulted in any way; her employer had simply been told that it would not + be convenient for her to attend again at the place of business, and now + she was sent to live alone in grand apartments, where she would have a + cheque-book and some five-pound notes to amuse herself with. For upwards + of a year she had been proud of her independence, of her usefulness in the + world, of the room she rented, and had made pretty with bits of embroidery + and such art as she possessed, and now she could not help experiencing a + little pang of regret at seeing all this taken from her—especially + as she did not know who was taking it, or changing it for something else. + </p> + <p> + These thoughts were occupying her mind when she was led into her + landlady's little sitting-room, and hoped that the lawyer or lawyer's + clerk had only come to explain it all to her. + </p> + <p> + “I don't know when I shall see you again, Miss Eden,” he said; she noticed + that he and her brother had begun calling her Miss Eden on the same day; + “but if there is anything more I can do for you now I shall be glad. If I + can assist you in moving to Quebec Street, for instance——” + </p> + <p> + “Oh no, thank you; all my luggage will go easily on a cab. Are you in a + hurry to leave, Mr. Tytherleigh?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh no, Miss Eden, my time is at your disposal”; and he sat down again to + await her commands. + </p> + <p> + “I should so like to ask you something,” she said. “For the last few hours + I have scarcely known what was happening to me, and I feel—a little + bewildered at being left alone with this cheque-book and money. And then, + whose money is it, Mr. Tytherleigh—you can tell me that, I suppose?” + </p> + <p> + “Why, I should say your own, Miss Eden, else—you could hardly have + it to spend.” + </p> + <p> + “But how is it mine? I forgot to ask my brother today to explain some + things in a letter I had from him last night. He wishes me to be guided by + Mr. Travers, and says that what I receive does not come from him, but from + my father.” + </p> + <p> + “Quite right,” said the other with confidence. + </p> + <p> + “But, Mr. Tytherleigh, you told me some days ago that no money was left to + my mother or to anyone belonging to her.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, yes, it does seem a little contradictory, Miss Eden. I was quite + correct in what I told you, and—for the rest, you must of course + take your brother's word.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes; but what am I to understand—can you not explain it all to me?” + </p> + <p> + “Scarcely,” he returned, with the regulation solicitor smile. “I think I + have heard that Mr. Travers will see you himself before long. Perhaps he + will make it clear to you, for I confess that it must seem a little + puzzling to you just now.” + </p> + <p> + “When shall I see Mr. Travers?” + </p> + <p> + “I cannot say. He is an elderly man, not very strong, and does not often + go out of his way. In the meantime, I hope you will take my word for it + that it is all right, and that when you require money you will freely use + your cheque-book.” + </p> + <p> + And that was all the explanation she got from Mr. Tytherleigh. + </p> + <p> + Fan, alone in her fine apartments, her occupation gone, found the time + hang heavily on her hands. To read a little, embroider a little, walk a + little in Hyde Park each day, was all she could do until Mr. Travers + should come to her and explain everything and be her guide and friend. But + the slow hours, the long hot days passed, and Mr. Travers still delayed + his coming, until to her restless heart the leisure she enjoyed seemed a + weariness and the freedom a delusion. Every day she spent more and more + time out of doors. At home the profound silence and seeming emptiness of + the house served but to intensify her craving for companionship. Her + landlady, who was her own cook, never entered into conversation with her, + and only came to her once or twice a day to ask her what she would have to + eat. But to Fan it was no pleasure to sit down to eat by herself, and for + her midday meal she was satisfied to have a mutton chop with a potato—that + hideously monotonous mutton chop and potato which so many millions of + unimaginative Anglo-Saxons are content to swallow on each recurring day. + And Mrs. Fay, her landlady, had a soul; and her skill in cooking was her + pride and glory. Cookery was to her what poetry and the worship of + Humanity, and Esoteric Buddhism are to others; and from the time when she + began life as a kitchen-maid in a small hotel, she had followed her art + with singleness of purpose and unflagging zeal. She felt it as a kind of + degradation to have a lodger in her house who was satisfied to order a + mutton chop and a potato day after day. It was no wonder then that she + grew more reticent and dark-browed and sullen every day, and that she went + about the house like a person perpetually brooding over some dark secret. + Some awful midnight crime, perhaps—some beautiful and unhappy young + heiress, left in her charge, and smothered with a pillow for yellow gold, + still haunting her in Quebec Street. So might one have imagined; but it + would have been a mistake, for the poor woman was haunted by nothing more + ghastly than the image of her lodger's mutton chop and potato. And at last + she could endure it no longer, and spoke out. + </p> + <p> + “I beg your pardon for saying it, Miss,” she said in an aggrieved tone, + “but I think it very strange you can't order anything better for your + dinner.” + </p> + <p> + “It does very well for me,” said Fan innocently. “I never feel very hungry + when I'm alone.” + </p> + <p> + “No, miss; and no person would with nothing but a chop to sit down to. I + was told by the gentleman from Mr. Travers' office that brought you here + that I was to do my best for you. But how can I do my best for you when + you order me to do my worst?” Here she appeared almost at the point of + crying. “It is not for me to say anything, but I consider, miss, that + you're not doing yourself justice. I mean only with respect to eating and + drinking——” with a glance full of meaning at Fan's face, then + at her dress. “About other things I haven't anything to say, because I + don't interfere with what doesn't concern me.” + </p> + <p> + “But what can I do, Mrs. Fay?” said Fan distressed. “I have not been + accustomed to order my meals, but to sit down without knowing what there + was to eat. And I like that way best.” Then, in a burst of despair, she + added, “Can't you give me just whatever you like, without asking me?” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Fay's brow cleared, and she smiled as Fan had not seen her smile + before. + </p> + <p> + “That I will, miss; and I don't think you'll have any reason to complain + that you left it to me.” + </p> + <p> + From that time Fan was compelled to fare delicately, and each day in place + of the simple quickly-eaten and soon-forgotten chop, there came to her + table a soup with some new flavour, a bit of fish—salmon cutlets, or + a couple of smelts, or dainty whitebait with lemon and brown + bread-and-butter, or a red mullet in its white wrapper—and + exquisitely-tasting little made dishes, and various sweets of unknown + names. Nor was there wanting bright colour to relieve the monotony of + white napery and please the eye—wine, white and red, in small + cut-glass decanters, and rose and amber-coloured wineglasses, and + rich-hued fruits and flowers. Of all the delicacies provided for her she + tasted, yet never altogether free from the painful thought that while she + was thus faring sumptuously, many of her fellow-creatures were going about + the streets hungry, even as she had once gone about wishing for a penny to + buy a roll. Still, Mrs. Fay was happy now, and that was one advantage + gained, although her lodger was paying dearly for it with somebody's + money. + </p> + <p> + But here she drew the line, being quite determined not to spend any money + on dress until Mr. Travers should come to her to relieve her doubts, and + yet she knew very well that to be leading this easy idle life she was very + poorly dressed. Many an hour she spent sitting in the shade in Hyde Park, + watching the perpetual stream of fashionable people, on foot and in + carriages—she the only unfashionable one there, the only one who + exchanged greetings and pleasant words with no friend or acquaintance. + What then did it matter how meanly she dressed? she said to herself every + day, determined not to spend that mysterious money. Then one day a great + temptation—a new thought—assailed her, and she fell. She was + passing Marshall and Snelgrove's, about twelve o'clock in the morning, + when the broad pavement is most thronged with shopping ladies and idlers + of both sexes, when out of the door there came a majestic-looking elderly + lady, followed by two young ladies, her daughters, all very richly + dressed. Seeing Fan, the first put out her hand and advanced smilingly to + her. + </p> + <p> + “My dear Miss Featherstonehaugh,” she exclaimed, “how strange that we + should meet here!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, mamma, it is <i>not</i> Miss Featherstonehaugh!” broke in one of the + young ladies; and after surveying Fan from top to toe with a slightly + supercilious smile, she added, “How <i>could</i> you make such a mistake!” + </p> + <p> + “I beg your pardon,” said the old lady loftily, as if Fan had done her + some injury, and also surveying the girl, apparently surprised at herself + for mistaking this badly-dressed young woman for one of her own friends. + </p> + <p> + Fan, arrested in her walk, had been standing motionless before them, and + her eyes, instinctively following the direction of the lady's glance, + travelled down her dress to her feet, where one of her walking-boots, old + and cracked, was projecting from her skirt. She reddened with shame and + confusion, and walked hurriedly on. What would her brother's feeling have + been, she asked herself, if he had met her accidentally there and had + noticed those shabby boots? and with all that money, which she had been + told to use freely, in her purse! A fashionable shoe-shop caught her eye + at that moment, and without a moment's hesitation she went in and + purchased a pair of the most expensive walking-shoes she could get, and a + second light pretty pair to wear in the house. That was only the first of + a series of purchases made that day. At one establishment she ordered a + walking-dress to be made, a soft blue-grey, with cream-coloured satin + vest; and at yet another a hat to match. And many other things were added, + included a sunshade of a kind she admired very much, covered with + cream-coloured lace. With a recklessness which was in strange contrast to + her previous mood, she got rid of every shilling of her money in a few + hours, and then went boldly to the bank. Then her courage forsook her, and + her face burned hotly, and her hand shook while she wrote out a second + cheque for twenty-five pounds. Not without fear and trembling did she + present it at the cashier's desk; but the clerk said not a word, nor did + he look at her with a stern, shocked expression as if reproaching her for + such awful extravagance. On the contrary he smiled pleasantly, remarking + that it was a warm day (which Fan knew), and then bowed, and said + “Good-day” politely. + </p> + <p> + The feeling of guilt as of having robbed the bank with which she left + Stratford Place happily wore off in time; and when the grey dress was + finished, and she found herself arrayed becomingly, the result made her + happy for a season. She surveyed her reflection in the tall pier-glass in + her bedroom with strange interest—or not strange, perhaps—and + thought with a little feeling of triumph that the grand lady and her + daughters would not feel disgusted at their dimness of vision if they once + more mistook her for their friend “Miss Featherstonehaugh.” + </p> + <p> + “Even Constance would perhaps think me good enough for a friend now,” she + said, a little bitterly; and then remembering that she had no friend to + show herself to, she felt strongly inclined to sit down and cry. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, how foolish I have been to spend so much on myself, when it doesn't + matter in the least what I wear—until Arthur comes back!” + </p> + <p> + And Arthur was not coming back just now, for only after all her finery had + been bought, on that very day she had received a letter from him dated + from Southampton, telling her that he had joined a friend who was about to + start for Norway in his yacht, and that he would be absent not less than + two months. This was a sore disappointment, but a note from Mr. Travers + accompanied Eden's letter, sent in the first place to Lincoln's Inn, which + gave her something to expect and think about. The lawyer wrote to say that + he would call to see her at twelve o'clock on the following morning. + </p> + <p> + Fan, in her new dress, and with a slight flush caused by excitement, was + waiting for him when he arrived. He was a tall spare man, over seventy + years old, with a slight stoop in his shoulders, and hair and whiskers + almost white. He had an aquiline nose and a firm mouth and chin, and yet + the expression was far from severe, and under his broad, much-lined + forehead the deep-set clear blue eyes looked kindly to the girl. When in + repose there was an expression of weariness on his grey face, and a + far-off look in the eyes, like that of one who gazes on a distant prospect + shrouded in mist or low-trailing clouds. He had thought and wrought much, + and perhaps, unlike that stern-browed and dauntless old chair-mender that + Fan remembered so well, he was growing tired of his long life-journey, and + not unwilling to see the end when there would be rest. But when talking or + listening his face still showed animation, and was pleasant to look upon. + Fan remembered certain words of her brother's, and felt that even if they + had never been uttered, here was a man in whom she could trust implicitly. + </p> + <p> + At first he did not say much, and after explaining the cause of his delay + in visiting her, contented himself with listening and observing her + quietly. At length, catching sight of the water-colour portrait of Fan, + which was hanging on the wall, he got up from his seat and placed himself + before it. + </p> + <p> + “It is a very beautiful picture, Miss Eden,” he said with a smile, as Fan + came to his side. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I think it is,” she returned naïvely. “But that is the artist's + work. I never had a dress like that—I never had a dinner dress in my + life. It was taken from a photograph, and the painter has made a fancy + picture of it.” + </p> + <p> + “It is very like you, Miss Eden—an excellent portrait, I think. Do + you not know that you are beautiful?” + </p> + <p> + “No, I did not know—at least, I was not sure. But I am glad you + think so. I should like very much to be beautiful.” + </p> + <p> + “Why?” he asked with a smile. + </p> + <p> + “Because I am not clever, and perhaps it would not matter so much if + people thought me pretty. They might like me for that.” + </p> + <p> + He smiled again. “I do not know you very well yet, Miss Eden, but judging + from the little I have seen of you and what I have heard, I think you have + a great deal to make people like you.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you,” she returned a little sadly, remembering how her dearest + friends had quickly grown tired of her. + </p> + <p> + “How strange it is—how very strange!” he remarked after a while, + repeating Mr. Tytherleigh's very words. “I can scarcely realise that I am + here talking to Colonel Eden's daughter.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, it is very strange. That I should have got acquainted in that chance + way with my brother, and—” + </p> + <p> + “That he should have fallen in love with his sister,” added Mr. Travers, + as if speaking to himself rather than to her. + </p> + <p> + She looked up with a startled expression, then suddenly became crimson to + the forehead and cast down her eyes. “Oh, I am so sorry—so sorry + that you know,” she spoke in a low sad voice. “Why, why did Arthur tell + you that? No person knew except ourselves; and it would have been + forgotten and buried, and now—now others know, and it will not be + forgotten!” + </p> + <p> + “My dear Miss Eden, you must not think such a thing,” he returned. “Your + secret is safe with me, but perhaps you did not know that. Do you know + that your father and I were close friends? There was little that he kept + from me, and I am glad that Arthur Eden has inherited his father's trust + in me; and perhaps, Miss Eden, when you know me better, and have heard all + I intend telling you about your father, you will have the same feeling. + But when I spoke of its being so strange, I was not thinking about you and + Arthur becoming acquainted. That was strange, certainly, but it was no + more than one of those coincidences which frequently occur, and which make + people remark so often that truth is stranger than fiction.” + </p> + <p> + “What were you thinking of then, Mr. Travers?” she asked, a little + timidly. + </p> + <p> + “Are you not aware, Miss Eden, that your father never knew of your + existence at all? That is the strangest part of the story. But I must not + go into that now. You shall hear it all before long. Would you not like to + see your father's portrait?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh yes, very much; but Arthur never told me that he had one.” + </p> + <p> + “I am not sure that he has one; but I possess a very fine portrait of him, + in oils, by a good artist, which, I hope, will belong to your brother some + day, for I do not wish to live for ever, Miss Eden. I should like to show + it you very much. And that leads me to one object of my visit to-day. Mrs. + Travers and I wish you to pay us a visit if you will. We live at Kingston, + and should like you to stay with us a fortnight.” + </p> + <p> + Fan thanked him and accepted the invitation, and it was agreed that she + should go to Kingston that day week. + </p> + <p> + “I have found out one thing since I came to see you, Miss Eden,” he said, + “and it is that you are singularly frank. One effect of that is to make me + wish to be frank with you. Now I am going to confess that I came today + with some misgivings. I remembered, my dear child, the circumstances of + your birth and bringing up, and could not help fearing that your brother + had been a little blinded by his feelings, and had seen a little more in + you than you possessed. But I do not wonder now at what he said of you. If + your father had lived till now I think that he would have been proud of + his child, and yet he was a fastidious man.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, Mr. Travers; but you, perhaps, think all that because I am—because + you think I am pretty.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Travers smiled. “Well, your prettiness is a part of you—an + appropriate part, I think, but only a part after all. You see I am not + afraid of spoiling you. You are strangely like your father; in the shape + of your face, the colour of your eyes, and in your voice you are like + him.” + </p> + <p> + She was looking up at him, drinking in his words with eager pleasure. + </p> + <p> + “I see that you like to hear about him,” he said, taking her hand. “But + all I have to tell you must be put off until we meet at Kingston. I am + only sorry that you will find no young people there. My sons and daughters + are all married and away. I have some grandchildren as old as you are, and + they are often with us, but at present Mrs. Travers is alone.” + </p> + <p> + After a few more words, he bade her good-bye and left her, and only after + he had gone Fan remembered that she had intended to confess to him, among + other things, that she had been extravagant with somebody's money. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0036" id="link2HCH0036"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVI + </h2> + <p> + The lawyer's visit had given her something to think of and to do; + forthwith she began to prepare for her fortnight's stay at Kingston with + much zeal and energy. It was a great deal to her to be able to look + forward to the companionship for a short time of even an elderly, perhaps + very dignified, lady, her loneliness did so weigh upon her. It had not so + weighed before; she had had her daily occupations, the companionship of + her fellow-assistants, and had always felt tired and glad to rest in the + evening. Now that this strange new life had come to her, that the days + were empty yet her heart full, to be so completely cut off from her + fellows and thrown back on herself, to have not one sympathetic friend + among all these multitudes around her, appeared unnatural, and made all + the good things she possessed seem almost a vanity and a delusion. + </p> + <p> + Sitting in the shade in Hyde Park, she had begun to find a vague pleasure + in recognising individuals she had seen and noticed on previous occasions + in the moving well-dressed crowd—the same tall spare + military-looking gentleman with the grey moustache; the same three slim + pretty girls with golden hair and dressed alike in grey and terra-cotta; + the same two young gentlemen together, both wearing tight morning coats, + silk hats, and tan gloves, but in their faces so different! one + colourless, thoughtful, with eyes bent down; the other burnt brown by + tropical heats and looking so glad to be in London once more. Were they + brothers, or dear friends, reunited after a long separation, with many + strange experiences to tell? To see them again day after day was like + seeing people she knew; it was pleasant and painful at the same time. But + as the slow heavy days went on, and after all her preparations were + complete, and still other days remained to be got through before she could + leave London, the dissatisfied feeling grew in her until she thought that + it would be a joy even to meet that poor laundry-woman who had given her + shelter at Dudley Grove, only to look once more into familiar friendly + eyes. During these days the memory of Constance and Mary was persistently + with her; for these two had become associated together in her mind, as if + the two distinct periods of her life at Dawson Place and Eyethorne had + been the same, and she could not think of one without the other. She had + loved and still loved them both so much; they were both so beautiful and + strong and proud in their different ways; and in their strength perhaps + both had alike despised her weak clinging nature, had grown tired of her + affection. And at last this perpetual want in her heart, this disquieting + “passion of the past,” reached its culminating point, when, one day after + dinner, she went out for a short stroll in the park. + </p> + <p> + The Row at that hot hour being forsaken, instead of crossing the park to + seek her favourite resting-place, she turned into the fresh shade of the + elms growing near its northern unfashionable side. She walked on until the + fountains were passed and she was in the deeper shade of Kensington + Gardens. She was standing on the very spot where she had watched three + ragged little children playing together, heaping up the old dead brown + leaves. The image of the little girl struggling up from the heap in which + her rude playfellows had thrown her, with tearful dusty face, and dead + leaves clinging to her clothes and disordered hair, made Fan laugh, and + then in a moment she could scarcely keep back the tears. For now a hundred + sweet memories rushed into her heart—her walks in the Gardens, all + the little incidents, the early blissful days when she lived with Mary; + and so vividly was the past seen and realised, yet so immeasurably far did + it seem to her and so irrecoverably lost, that the sweetness was + overmastered by the pain, and the pain was like anguish. And yet with that + feeling in her heart, so strong that it made her cheeks pallid and her + steps languid, she went on to visit every spot associated in her mind with + some memory of that lost time. Under that very tree, one chill October + day, she had given charity unasked to a pale-faced man, shivering in thin + clothes; and there too she had comforted a poor wild-haired little boy + whose stronger companions had robbed him of all the chestnut-burs and + acorns he had gathered; and on this sacred spot a small angelic child + walking with its mamma had put up its arms and demanded a kiss. Even the + Albert Memorial was not overlooked, but she went not there to admire the + splendour of colour and gold, and the procession of marble men of all ages + and all lands, led by old Homer playing on his lyre. She looked only on + the colossal woman seated on her elephant, ever gazing straight before + her, shading her eyes from the hot Asiatic sun with her hand, for that + majestic face of marble, and the proud beautiful mouth that reminded her + of Mary, had also memories for her. And at last her rambles brought her to + the extreme end of the Gardens, to the once secluded grove between + Kensington Palace and Bayswater Hill; for even that bitter spot among the + yew and pine-trees must be visited now. She found the very seat where she + had rested on that unhappy day in early spring, shortly after her + adventure at Twickenham, when, as she then imagined, her beloved friend + and protector had so cruelly betrayed and abandoned her. How desolate and + heart-broken she had felt, seated there alone on that morning in early + spring, in that green dress which Mary had given her—how she had + sobbed there by herself, abandoned, unloved, alone in the world! And after + all Mary had done her no wrong, and Mary herself had found her in that + lonely place! The whole scene of their meeting rose with a painful + distinctness before her mind. In memory she heard again the slight rustle + of a dress, the tread of a light foot on a dead leaf that had startled + her; she listened again to all the scornful cutting words that had the + effect at last of waking such a strange frenzy of rage in her, a rage that + was like insanity. And now how gladly would she have dismissed the rest, + but the tyrant Memory would not let her be, she must re-live it all again, + and not one feeling, thought, or word be left out. Oh, why, why did she + remember it all now—when, starting from her seat as if some demon + had possessed her, she turned on her mocker with words such as had never + defiled her lips before, which she now shuddered to recall? Unable to + shake these hateful memories off, and with face crimsoned with shame, she + rose from the seat and hurriedly walked away towards Bayswater Hill. + Issuing from the Gardens she stood hesitating for some time, and finally, + as if unable to resist the strange impulse that was drawing her, she + turned into St. Petersburg Place, looking long at each familiar building—the + fantastic, mosque-like red-brick synagogue; and just beyond it St. Sophia, + the ugly Greek cathedral, yellow, squat, and ponderous; and midway between + these two—a thing of beauty—St. Matthew's Church, grey and + Gothic, with its slender soaring spire. In Pembridge Square she paused to + ask herself if it was not time to turn back. No, not yet, a few steps more + would bring her to the old turning—that broad familiar way only as + long as the width of two houses with their gardens, from which she might + look for a few moments into that old beloved place where she had lived + with Mary. And having reached the opening, and even ventured a few paces + into it, she thought, “No, not there, I must not go one step further, for + to see the dear old house would be too painful now.” But against her will, + and in spite of pain and the fear of greater pain, her feet carried her + on, slowly, step by step, and in another minute she was walking on the + broad clean pavement of Dawson Place. + </p> + <p> + How familiar it looked, lovely and peaceful under the hot July sun; the + detached houses set well back from the road, still radiant as of old with + flowers in the windows and gardens! It was strangely quiet, and only two + persons beside herself were walking there—a lady with a girl of ten + or twelve carrying a bunch of water-lilies in her hand, which she had + probably just bought at Westbourne Grove. They passed her, talking and + laughing, and went into one of the houses; and after that it seemed + stiller than ever. Only a sparrow burst out into blithe chirruping notes, + which had a strangely joyous ring in them. And here where she had expected + greater pain her pain was healed. Something from far, something + mysterious, seemed to rest on that spot, to make it unlike all other + places within the great city. What was it—this calm which stilled + her throbbing heart; this touch of glory and subtle fragrance entering her + soul and turning all bitterness there to sweetness? Perhaps the shy spirit + of life and loveliness, mother of men and of wild-flowers and grasses, had + come to it, bringing a whiter sunshine and the mystic silence of her + forests, and touching every flowery petal with her invisible finger to + make it burn like fire, and giving a ringing woodland music to the + sparrow's voice. + </p> + <p> + In that brightness and silence she could walk there, thinking calmly of + the vanished days. How real it all seemed—Mary, and her life with + Mary: all the rest of her life seemed pale and dream-like in comparison, + and the images of all other men and women looked dim in her mind when she + thought of the woman, sweet, strong, and passion-rocked, who had taken her + to her heart. Slowly she walked along the pavement, looking at each + well-known house as she passed, and when she reached the house where she + had lived, walking slower still, while her eyes rested lovingly, + lingeringly on it. And as she passed it, both to leave it so soon, it + occurred to her that she could easily invent some innocent pretext for + calling. She would see the lady of the house to ask for Miss Starbrow's + present address. Not that she would ever write to Mary again, even if the + address were known, but it would be an excuse to go to the door with, to + see the interior once more—the shady tessellated hall, perhaps the + drawing-room. Turning in at the gate, she ascended the broad white steps, + and their whiteness made her smile a little sadly, reminding her of the + old dark days before Mary had been her friend. + </p> + <p> + Her knock was answered by a neat-looking parlourmaid. + </p> + <p> + “I called to see the lady of the house,” said Fan. “Is she in?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, miss; will you please walk in,” and she led the way to the + drawing-room. “What name shall I say, miss?” said the girl. + </p> + <p> + Fan gave her a card, and then, left alone, sat down and began eagerly + studying the well-remembered room. There were ferns and blossoming plants + in large blue pots about the room, and some pictures, and a few chairs and + knick-knacks she had never seen, and a new Persian carpet on the floor; + but everything else was unchanged. The grand piano was in the old place, + open, with loose sheets of music lying on it, just as if Mary herself had + been there practising an hour before. + </p> + <p> + She was sitting with her back to the door, and did not hear it open. The + slight rustling sound of a dress caught her ear, and turning quickly, she + beheld Mary herself standing before her. It might have been only yesterday + that Mary had spoken those cruel-kind words and left her in tears at + Eyethorne. For there was no change in her—in that strong beautiful + face, the raven hair and full dark eyes, the proud, sweet mouth—which + Foley might have had for a model when he chiselled his “Asia”—and + that red colour on her cheeks, richer and softer than ever burned on + sea-shell or flower. + </p> + <p> + The instant that Fan turned she recognised her visitor, and remained + standing motionless, holding the girl's card in her hand, her face showing + the most utter astonishment. If a visitor from the other world had + appeared to her she could not have looked more astonished. Meanwhile Fan, + forgetting everything else in the joy of seeing Mary again, had started to + her feet, and with a glad cry and outstretched arms moved towards her. + Then the other regained possession of her faculties; she dropped her hand + to her side, the colour forsook her face, and it grew cold and hard as + stone, while the old black look came to her brows. + </p> + <p> + “Pray resume your seat, Miss Paradise—I beg your pardon, Miss——” + here she consulted the card—“Miss Eden,” she finished, her lips + curling. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I forgot about the card,” exclaimed Fan deeply distressed. “You are + vexed with me because—because it looks as if I wished to take you by + surprise. Will you let me explain about my change of name?” + </p> + <p> + “You need not take that trouble, Miss—Eden. I have not the slightest + interest in the subject. I only desire to know the object of this visit.” + </p> + <p> + “My object was only to—to see the inside of the house again. I did + not know that you were living here now. I had invented an excuse for + calling. But if I had know you were here—oh, if you knew how I have + wished to see you!” + </p> + <p> + “I do not wish to know anything about it, Miss Eden. Have you so + completely forgotten the circumstances which led to our parting, and the + words I wrote to you on that occasion?” + </p> + <p> + “No, I have not forgotten,” said Fan despairingly; “but when I saw you I + thought—I hoped that the past would not be remembered—that you + would be glad to see me again.” + </p> + <p> + “Then you made a great mistake, Miss Eden; and I hope this interview will + serve to convince you, if you did not know it before, that I am not one to + change, that I never repent of what I do, or fail to be as good as my + word.” + </p> + <p> + “Then I must go,” said Fan, scarcely able to keep back the tears that were + gathering thick in her eyes. “But I am so sorry—so sorry! I wish—I + wish you could think differently about it and forgive me if I have + offended you.” + </p> + <p> + “There is nothing to be gained by prolonging this conversation, which is + not pleasant to me,” returned the other haughtily, advancing to the bell + to summon the servant. + </p> + <p> + “Wait one moment—please don't ring yet,” cried Fan, hurrying + forward, the tears now starting from her eyes. “Oh, Mary, will you not + shake hands with me before I go?” + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow moved back a step or two and stared deliberately at her + face, as if amazed and angered beyond measure at her persistence. And for + some moments they stood thus, not three feet apart, gazing into each + other's eyes, Fan's tearful, full of eloquent pleading, her hands still + held out; and still the other delayed to speak the cutting words that + trembled on her lips. A change came over her scornful countenance; the + corners of her mouth twitched nervously, as if some sharp pang had touched + her heart; the dark eyes grew misty, and in another moment Fan was clasped + to her breast. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Fan!—dearest Fan!—darling—you have beaten me + again!” she exclaimed spasmodically, half-sobbing. “Oh what a strange girl + you are! ... To come and—take me by storm like that! ... And I was + so determined never to relent—never to go back from what I said.... + But you have swept it all away—all my resolutions—everything. + Oh, Fan, can you ever, ever forgive me for being such a brute? But I had + to act in that way—there was no help for it. I couldn't break my + word—I never do. You know, Fan, that I never change.... Is it really + you?—oh, I can't believe it—I can't realise it—here in + my own house! Let me look at your dear face again.” + </p> + <p> + And drawing back their heads they gazed into each other's faces once more, + Fan crying and laughing by turns, while Mary, the strong woman, could do + nothing but cry now. + </p> + <p> + “The same dear grey eyes, but oh, how beautiful you have grown,” she went + on. “I shall never forgive myself—never cease to hate myself after + this. And yet, dearest, what could I do? I had solemnly vowed never to + speak to you again if we met. I should have been a poor weak creature if I + hadn't—you must know that. And now—oh, how could I resist so + long, and be so cruel? I know I'm very illogical, but—I hate it, + there!—I mean logic—don't you?” + </p> + <p> + “I hardly know what it is, Mary, but if you hate it, so do I with all my + heart.” + </p> + <p> + “That's a dear sensible girl. How sweet it is to hear that 'Mary' from + your lips again! How often I have wished to hear it!—the wish has + even made me cry. For I have never ceased to think of you and love you, + Fan, even when I was determined never to speak to you again. But let me + explain something. Though you disobeyed me, Fan, and spoke so lightly + about it, just as if you believed that you could do what you liked with + me, I still might have overlooked it if it had not been for my brother + Tom's interference. I was very much offended with you, and when we spoke + of you I said that I intended giving you up, but I don't think I really + meant it in my heart. But he put himself into a passion about it, and + abused me, and called me a demon, and dared me to do what I threatened, + and said that if I did he would never speak to me again. That settled it + at once. To be talked to in that way by anyone—even by Tom—is + more than my flesh and blood can stand. And so we parted—it was at + Ravenna, an old Italian city—and of course I did what I said, and + from that day to this we have not exchanged a line, nor ever shall until + he apologises for his words. That's how it happened, and what woman with + any self-respect—would not <i>you</i> have acted in the same way, + Fan, in such a case?” + </p> + <p> + “No, Mary, I don't think so. But we are so different, you so strong and I + so weak.” + </p> + <p> + “Are you really weak? I am not so sure. You have taken me captive, at all + events.” And then her eyes suddenly growing misty again, she continued: + “Fan, you have a strength which I never had, which, in the old days when + you lived with me, used to remind me of Longfellow's little poem about a + meek-eyed maid going through life with a lily in her hand, one touch of + which even gates of brass could not withstand. You will forgive me, I + know, but tell me now from your heart, don't you think it was cruel—wicked + of me to receive you as I did just now?” + </p> + <p> + “You wouldn't have been so hard with me, Mary, if you had known what I + felt. All day long I have been thinking of you, and wishing—oh, how + I wished to see you again! And before coming here to see Dawson Place once + more I went and sat down on that very seat in Kensington Gardens where you + found me crying by myself on that day—do you remember?—and + where—and where—oh, how I cried again only to think of it! How + could I speak to you as I did—in that horrible way—when you + had loved me so much!” + </p> + <p> + “Hush, Fan, for heaven's sake! You make me feel as if you had put your + hand down into me and had wound all the strings of my heart round your + fingers, and—I can't bear it. I think nothing of what you said in + your anger, but only of my cruelty to you then and on other occasions. Oh, + do let's speak of something else. Look, there is your card on the floor + where I dropped it. Why do you call yourself Miss Eden—how do you + come to be so well-dressed, and looking more like some delicately-nurtured + patrician's daughter than a poor girl? Do tell me your story now.” + </p> + <p> + And the story was told as they sat together by the open window in the + pleasant room; and when they had drank tea at five o'clock, much remaining + yet to be told—much in spite of the gaps Fan saw fit to leave in her + narrative—Mary said: + </p> + <p> + “Will you dine with me, Fan? You shall name the hour yourself if you will + only stay—seven, eight, nine if you like.” + </p> + <p> + “I shall only be too glad to stay for as long as you care to have me,” + said Fan. + </p> + <p> + “Then will you sleep here? I have a guest's room all ready, a lovely + little room, only I think if you sleep there I shall sit by your bedside + all night.” + </p> + <p> + “Then if I stay I shall sleep with you, Mary, so as not to keep you up,” + said Fan laughing. “Can I send a telegram to my landlady to say that I + shall not be home to-night?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes; after it gets cool we might walk to the post-office in the Grove to + send it.” + </p> + <p> + And thus it was agreed, and so much had they to say to each other that not + until the morning light began to steal into their bedroom, to discover + them lying on one pillow, raven-black and golden tresses mingled together, + did any drowsy feeling come to them. And even then at intervals they + spoke. + </p> + <p> + “Mary,” said Fan, after a rather long silence, “have you ever heard of + Rosie since?” + </p> + <p> + “No; but I saw her once. I went to the Alhambra to see a ballet that was + admired very much, and I recognised Rosie on the stage in spite of her + paint and ballet dress. I couldn't stay another moment after that. I + should have left the theatre if—if—well, never mind. Don't + speak again, Fan, we must go to sleep now.” + </p> + <p> + But another question was inevitable. “Just one word more, Mary; have you + never heard of Captain Horton since?” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, I thought that was coming! Yes, once. Just about the time when I + returned from abroad, I had a letter from my bankers to say that he—that + man—had paid a sum of money—about two hundred and thirty + pounds—to my account. It was money I had lent him a long time + before, and he had the audacity to ask them to send him a receipt in my + handwriting! I told them to send the man a receipt themselves, and to + inform him from me that I was sorry he had paid the money, as it had + reminded me of his hateful existence.” + </p> + <p> + After another interval Fan remarked, “I am glad he paid the money, Mary.” + </p> + <p> + “Why—do you think I couldn't afford to lose that? I would rather + have lost it.” + </p> + <p> + “I wasn't thinking of the money. But it showed that he had some right + feelings—that he was not altogether bad.” + </p> + <p> + “You should be the last person to say that, Fan. You should hate his + memory with all your heart.” + </p> + <p> + “I am so happy to be with you again, Mary; I feel that I cannot hate + anyone, however wicked he may be.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, you are like that Scotch minister who prayed for everything he could + think of in earth and heaven, and finally finished up by praying for the + devil. But are you really so happy, dear Fan? Is your happiness quite + complete—is there nothing wanting?” + </p> + <p> + “I should like very, very much to know where Constance is.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, judging from what you have told me, I should think she must be very + miserable indeed. They are very poor, no doubt, and in ordinary + circumstances poverty would perhaps not make her unhappy, for, being + intellectual, she would always have the beauty of her own intellect and + the stars to think about.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you really think that, Mary—that she is miserable?” + </p> + <p> + “I do indeed. When she, poor fool! married Merton Chance, she leant on a + reed, and it would be strange if it had not broken and pierced her to the + quick.” + </p> + <p> + And after that there was silence, broken only by a sad sigh from Fan; + which meant that she knew it and always had known it, but had gone on + hoping against hope that the fragile reed would not break to pierce that + loved one. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0037" id="link2HCH0037"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVII + </h2> + <p> + Nearly the whole of Fan's remaining time before going to Kingston was + passed at Dawson Place. Her happiness was perfect, like the sunshine she + had found resting on that dear spot on her return to it, pure, without + stain of cloud. For into Mary's vexed heart something new seemed to have + come, something strange to her nature, a novel meekness, a sweetness that + did not sour, so that their harmony continued unbroken to the end. And, + oddly enough, or not oddly perhaps, since she was not “logical,” she + seemed now greatly to sympathise with Fan's growing anxiety about the lost + Constance. Not one trace of the petty jealous feeling which had caused so + much trouble in the past remained; she was heartily ashamed of it now, and + was filled with remorse when she recalled her former unkind and capricious + behaviour. + </p> + <p> + At length Fan went on her visit, not without a pang of regret at parting + so soon again, even for a short time, from the friend she had recovered. + She was anxious to hear that “strange story” about her father which the + lawyer had promised to relate; apart from that, she did not anticipate + much pleasure from her stay at Kingston. + </p> + <p> + The Travers' house was at a little distance from the town, and stood well + back on the road, screened from sight by trees and a high brick wall. It + was a large, low, old-fashioned, rambling house, purchased by its owner + many years before, when he had a numerous family with him, and required + plenty of house-room; but its principal charm to Fan was the garden, + covering about four acres of ground, well stocked with a great variety of + shrubs and flowers, and containing some trees of noble growth. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Travers was not many years younger than her husband; and yet she did + not look old, although her health was far from good, her more youthful + appearance being due to a false front of glossy chestnut-coloured hair, an + occasional visit to the rouge-pot, and other artificial means used by + civilised ladies to mitigate the ravages of time. In other things also she + offered a striking contrast to her husband, being short and stout, or fat; + she was also a dressy dame, and burdened her podgy fingers and broad bosom + with too much gold and too many precious stones—yellow, blue, and + red; and her silk dresses were also too bright-hued for a lady of her + years and figure. Her favourite strong blues and purples would have struck + painfully on the refined colour-sense of an aesthete. On the other hand, + to balance these pardonable defects, she was kind-hearted; not at all + artificial in her manner and conversation, or unduly puffed up with her + position, as one might have expected her to be from her appearance; and, + to put her chief merit last, she reverenced her husband, and believed that + in all things—except, perhaps, in those small matters sacred to + femininity, which concerned her personal adornment—“he knew best.” + She was consequently prepared to extend a warm welcome to her young + visitor, and, for her husband's sake, to do as much to make her visit + pleasant as if she had been the lawful daughter of her husband's late + friend and client, Colonel Eden. + </p> + <p> + Nevertheless, after the days she had spent with Mary, Fan did not find + Mrs. Travers' society exhilarating. The lady had given up walking, except + a very little in the garden, but on most days she went out for carriage + exercise in the morning, after Mr. Travers had gone to town. At two + o'clock the ladies would lunch, after which Fan would be alone until the + five o'clock tea, when her hostess would reappear in a gay dress, and a + lovely carmine bloom on her cheeks—the result of her refreshing + noonday slumbers. After tea they would spend an hour together in the + garden talking and reading. Mrs. Travers, having bad eyesight, accepted + Fan's offer to read to her. She read nothing but periodicals—short + social sketches, smart paragraphs, jokes, and occasionally a tale, if very + short, so that Fan found her task a very light one. She had <i>The World, + Truth, The Whitehall Review, The Queen</i> and <i>The Lady's Pictorial</i> + every week; and in the last-named paper Fan read out a little sketch—one + of a series called “Eastern Idylls”—which she liked better than + anything else for its graceful style and delicate pathos. So much did it + please her, that she looked up the back numbers of the paper, and read all + the sketches in them, each relating some little domestic East End incident + or tale, pathetic or humorous, or both, with scenes and characters lightly + drawn, yet with such skilful touches, and put so clearly before the mind, + that it was impossible not to believe that these pictures were from life. + </p> + <p> + At half-past six Mr. Travers would return from town, and at seven they + dined, sitting long at table; and afterwards, if there were friends, there + would be a rubber of whist. It was a quiet almost sleepy existence, and + Fan began to look forward with a little impatience to the end of her + fortnight, when she would be able to return to her friend. For Mary's last + words had been, “I shall not leave London without you.” But she first + wished to hear the “strange story” Mr. Travers had promised to tell, but + about which he had spoken no word since her arrival. Every day she was + reminded of it, for in the dining-room was the portrait of her father, + painted, life-size, by a Royal Academician, and showing a gentleman aged + about thirty-five years, with a handsome oval face, grey eyes, thin + straight nose, and hair and well-trimmed moustache and Vandyke beard of a + deep golden brown, the moustache not altogether hiding the pleasant, + somewhat voluptuous mouth. And it seemed to Fan when she looked at it and + the grey eyes gazed back into hers, and the pleasant lips seemed to smile + on her, that she had never seen among living men a more beautiful and + lovable face. + </p> + <p> + The sixth day of her visit was Sunday. Mr. Travers breakfasted alone with + her, his wife not having risen yet, and after breakfast he asked her if + she wished to go to church. + </p> + <p> + “Not unless you are going or wish me to go,” returned Fan. + </p> + <p> + “Then, Miss Eden, let us stay at home, and have a morning to ourselves in + the garden. We have not yet had much time to talk, as I am generally + rather tired in the evenings. And besides, what I wish to talk to you + about is one of <i>my</i> secrets, and it could not be mentioned before + another.” + </p> + <p> + They were out in the garden sitting in the shade, when he surprised her by + saying, “Are you at all superstitious, Miss Eden?” + </p> + <p> + “I am not quite sure that I understand you,” replied Fan, with a little + hesitation. “Do you mean religious, Mr. Travers?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, no, not exactly. But superstition is undoubtedly a word of many + meanings, and some people give it a very wide one, as your question + implies. I used the word in a more restricted sense—in the sense in + which we say that believers in dreams, presentiments, and apparitions are + superstitious. My belief was—I am not sure whether I can say <i>is</i>—that + your father was infected with superstitions of this kind. But I must tell + you the whole story, and then you will understand what I mean when I say + that it is a strange one. He was one of several children; and, by the way, + that reminds me that—but let that pass.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you mean—have I—has my brother many relations—uncles, + aunts, and cousins, Mr. Travers?” said Fan, a little eagerly. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” he answered, smiling a little and stroking his chin, “yes. Your + half-brother's mother had two married sisters, both with large families; + but I do not think that Mr. Arthur Eden is intimate with them. I think I + have heard him say as much.” + </p> + <p> + Fan, noting that he cautiously confined himself to her brother's relations + on the mother's side, grew red, and secretly resolved never to ask such a + question again, even of Arthur. + </p> + <p> + The other continued: “Being one of several children, and not the eldest, + his income was a small one for a young man of rather expensive habits and + in the army. He was in difficulties on several occasions, and it was at + that period that our acquaintance ripened into a very close friendship—as + warm a friendship as can exist between two men living totally different + lives, moving in different social worlds, and with a considerable + difference in their ages. + </p> + <p> + “When about thirty-eight years old he married a lady with a considerable + fortune, which was not in any way settled on herself, and consequently + became his. It was not a happy marriage, and after the birth of their son—their + only child—and Mrs. Eden not being in good health, she went to live + at Winchester, where she had relations and where her son was educated; and + for several years husband and wife lived apart. His wife died about + fourteen years after her marriage, and, I am glad to say, he was with her + during her last illness, but afterwards he returned to his old life in + London, and went very much into society. Finally his health failed; and + when he discovered that his malady, although a slow, was an incurable one, + his habits and disposition changed, and he grew morbid, I think—possibly + from brooding too much on his condition. + </p> + <p> + “Up to this time he had paid no attention to religion; now it became the + sole subject of his thoughts. He attended a ritualistic church in the + neighbourhood of Oxford Street, and gave up the house he had occupied + before, and took another only a few doors removed from the church, so as + to be able to attend all the services, one of which was held daily at a + very early hour of the morning. In this church, confession and penances, + and other things in which the ritualists imitate the Roman Catholics, are + in use, and the vicar, or priest as he is called, gained a great influence + over Colonel Eden's mind. + </p> + <p> + “He had at this time entirely given up going into society, but his + intimacy with me, which had lasted so many years, continued to the end. + Shortly before he died, and about three years and a half to four years + ago, he told me that he had had a strange dream, which he persisted in + regarding as of the supernatural order. This dream came to him on three + consecutive nights, and after several conversations with his priest and + confessor on the subject, and being encouraged by him in the belief that + it was something more than a mere wandering of the disordered fancy, he + consulted me about it. It was then that for the first time he told me the + story of Margaret Affleck, a girl in a humble position in life who had + engaged his affections some fourteen years before, and from whom he had + parted after a few months' acquaintance. He assured me that he had all but + forgotten this affair; that when parting from her he had given her some + money as a compensation for the trouble he had brought on her; while, on + her side, she had told him that she would not be disgraced, but that she + would marry a young man in her own class, who was willing and anxious to + take her. + </p> + <p> + “At all events, during those fourteen years he had never seen nor heard + anything of her. Then comes the dream. He dreamt that he was in the church + for early matins, and that he heard a voice calling 'Father, father!' to + him, and on looking round saw a poor girl in ragged clothes, and with a + pale, exceedingly sad face, and that he had no sooner looked on her than + he knew that she was his child, and the child of Margaret Affleck. She was + crying piteously, and wringing her hands and imploring him to deliver her + from her misery; and in his struggling efforts to go to her he woke. + </p> + <p> + “This dream, as I said, returned to him night after night, and so preyed + on his mind that he interpreted it as a command from some Superior Power + to seek out this lost child and save her. I tried my best to argue him out + of his delusion, for I was convinced that it was nothing more; but seeing + him so determined, and so fully persuaded in his own mind that unless he + made atonement his sins would not be forgiven, I gave way, and had + inquiries made in various directions. I advertised for Margaret Affleck; + for I could not, of course, advertise for a child of whose existence there + was not any evidence. But though we advertised a great many times both in + the London and Norfolk papers—Colonel Eden remembered that the girl + belonged to Norfolk—we could not find the right person. Colonel + Eden, however, still clung to the belief that the daughter he believed in + would eventually be found, and he even contemplated adding a clause to his + will, in which everything was left unconditionally to his son, to make + provision for her. This intention was not carried out, but shortly before + his death he told me that he had left a sealed letter for his son, who was + abroad at the time, informing him of the dream, or revelation, and asking + him to continue the search, and to provide generously for the child when + she should be found. He never for a moment seemed to doubt that she would + be found; but his belief was that we would find in her not, my dear girl, + one like yourself—fresh and unsullied as the flower in your hand, + beautiful in spirit as in person.” + </p> + <p> + “What did he believe you would find? Will you please tell me, Mr. + Travers?” said Fan, a tremor in her voice. + </p> + <p> + “He believed when he had that dream that you were in the lowest depths of + poverty—in misery, and exposed to all the dangers and temptations + which surround a destitute young girl, motherless perhaps, and friendless, + and homeless, in London. Dear child, I cannot tell you all or what he + feared,” he finished, putting his hand lightly on her shoulder. + </p> + <p> + There were tears in her eyes, and she averted her face to hide the rush of + crimson to her cheeks. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Travers continued: “The news of Colonel Eden's death reached Arthur in + Mexico, and he came home at once. He showed me the letter I have + mentioned, and asked me to advise him what to do. But from the first he + had taken the same view of the matter which I had taken, and which I + suppose that ninety-nine men out of every hundred would take, and I must + say that he did not do much to find the girl, nor was there anything to be + done after our advertisements had failed. The rest of the story you know, + Miss Eden. When I last saw your brother I told him that after making your + acquaintance, if I found you what he had painted, I should in all + probability tell you this story, and he made no objection. I fear it has + given you pain, still it was best that you should know it. And perhaps now + you will not think that your brother was wrong in opening his heart to + me.” + </p> + <p> + “No, I think he was right, and I am very, very grateful to you for telling + me about my father.” After a while she continued: “But, Mr. Travers, I + hardly know what to say about the dream. I have heard and read of such + things, and—I was just what he imagined—just like the girl he + saw in his dream. And when my life was so miserable, if I had known where + to find him—if mother could have told me—I should have gone to + him to ask him to save me. But—how can I say it? Don't you think, + Mr. Travers, that if dreams and warnings were sent to us—if good + spirits could let us know things in that way and tell us what to do, that + it would happen oftener? ... There are always so many in distress and + danger, and sometimes so little is needed to save one—a few pence, a + few kind words—and yet how many fall, how many die! Even in the + Regent's Canal how many poor women throw their lives away—and + nothing saves them.... I am not glad to hear that it was a dream that + first made my father wish to find mother—and me. I should have + preferred to hear that he thought of her—of us, before he fell into + such bad health, and when he was strong and happy.... Do you think his + dream was sent from heaven, Mr. Travers?” + </p> + <p> + “I am not prepared to express an opinion as to that, Miss Eden,” he + replied, with a grave smile. “But I have been listening to your words with + great interest and a little surprise. Most young ladies, I fancy, would + have been deeply impressed with such a narrative, and they would readily + and gladly have adopted the view that some supernatural agency had been + concerned in the matter. You, strange to say, do not seem to look on + yourself as a special favourite of the powers above, and think that others + have as much right as yourself to be rescued miraculously from perils and + sufferings. Well—you have not a romantic mind, Miss Eden.” + </p> + <p> + “No, I don't think I have—I have had the same thing said to me two + or three times before,” replied Fan naïvely. “But I wish you would tell me + more about my father when he was healthy and happy. Was he really as + handsome as he looks in the portrait? It seems so life-like that when I am + looking at it I can hardly realise that he is not somewhere living on the + earth, that I shall never hold his hand and hear his voice.” + </p> + <p> + The old lawyer was quite ready to gratify her curiosity on the point, and + told her a great deal about her father's life. “There is one thing I + omitted to mention before,” he said at the end. “Your brother would gladly + do anything in his power to make you happy; at the same time he wishes you + to understand that in providing for you he is only carrying out his + father's intentions, and that you will owe it to your father, and not to + him.” + </p> + <p> + “But I shall still feel the same gratitude to my brother, Mr. Travers.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, no harm can come of that, and—we cannot help our feelings. + Just now it is your brother's fancy to leave you in ignorance of the + amount of your income, which I think you will find sufficient. For a year + or so you have as it were <i>carte blanche</i> to do what you like in the + way of spending, and if you should exceed your income by fifty or a + hundred pounds I don't think anything alarming will happen. And now, Miss + Eden, is there nothing I can do for you? Nothing you would like to ask my + advice about?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh yes, thank you, there is one thing,” and she told him all about her + friend Constance, and her anxiety to find her. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Travers made a note of the matter. “There will be no difficulty in + finding them,” he said. “I shall have inquiries made to-morrow. I hope,” + he added with a smile, “you are not going to become a convert to Mr. + Merton Chance's doctrines.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh no,” she replied laughing. “My only wish is to find Mrs. Chance. Mrs. + Churton once said, when she was a little vexed with me, that it was like + pouring water on a duck's back to give me religious instruction. I am sure + that if Mr. Chance ever speaks to me about his new beliefs I shall have my + feathers well oiled.” + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile Mrs. Travers had been keeping the luncheon back, and watching + them engaged in that long conversation from her seat at the window. The + good woman had been the wife of her husband for a great many years, but + she had not yet outlived that natural belief that a wife has to “know + everything” her husband knows; and she had guessed that those two were + discussing secret matters which they had no intention of imparting to her. + A woman has a faculty about such things which corresponds to scent in the + terrier; the little mystery is there—the small rodent lurks behind + the wainscot; she is consumed with a desire to get at it—to worry + its life out; and if it refuse to leave its hiding-place she cannot rest + and be satisfied. It was her nature; and though she asked no questions, + knowing that her husband was not to be caught in that way, he did not fail + to remark the slight frost which had fallen on her manner and her polite + and distant tone towards their guest. Well aware of the cause, and too old + to be annoyed, it only gave him a little secret amusement. He had warned + the girl, and that was enough. The little chill would pass off in time, + and no harm would result. + </p> + <p> + It did not pass off quickly, however, but lasted three or four days, + during which time Mrs. Travers was somewhat distant in her manner, and + declined Fan's offer to read to her; and Fan remarked the change, but was + at a loss to account for it. But one day, after lunch, when they rose from + the table, she said, “Oh, Mrs. Travers, do you know that the <i>Pic</i>. + is in the drawing-room? I have been anxiously waiting since Saturday to + know what the last 'Eastern Idyll' is about.” + </p> + <p> + “And why have you not read it, Miss Eden?” said the other, a little + stiffly. + </p> + <p> + “I thought that you would perhaps let me read it to you—I did not + wish to read it first.” + </p> + <p> + The good woman smiled and consented. Her sight was not good, and the + sketches were always printed in a painfully small type; and besides, they + seemed different to her when the girl read them; her low musical voice, so + clear and penetrating, yet pathetic, had seemed to interpret the writer's + feeling so well. And so the frost melted, and she became more kind and + friendly than ever. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Travers, much to his own surprise, failed to discover Fan's lost + friends. One thing he had done was to send a clerk to the office of the + paper with the singular title to ask for Mr. Chance's address. The answer + he received from a not over-polite gentleman he met there was, “We don't + know nothing about Mr. Merton Chance in this horfice, and don't want to, + nether.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Travers had to confess that he could not find Merton Chance. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0038" id="link2HCH0038"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVIII + </h2> + <p> + Before Fan's visit came to an end, the Travers gave a dinner to some of + their Kingston friends and neighbours. The hour was seven, and all the + guests, save one, arrived at the right time, and after fifteen minutes' + grace had been allowed, Mrs. Travers discovered to her dismay that they + would sit down thirteen at table. She was superstitious, in the restricted + sense in which her husband used the word, and was plainly distressed. Two + or three of the ladies, including Fan, who were in the secret, were + discussing this grave matter with her. + </p> + <p> + “I shall not dine, Mrs. Travers; do please let me stop out!” said Fan. + </p> + <p> + “No, my dear Miss Eden, I couldn't think of such a thing,” said Mrs. + Travers. + </p> + <p> + Then another lady offered to eat her dinner standing, for so long as they + did not sit down thirteen “it would be all right,” she said. But it was + one of those unfortunate remarks which sound personal, the obliging lady + being very tall and slender, while her short and stout hostess did not + look much higher when standing than when seated. + </p> + <p> + “It is really too bad of him!” was her sole remark. + </p> + <p> + “Is he nice?” asked another lady. + </p> + <p> + “Not very, I think, if he makes us sit down thirteen, and leaves Miss Eden + with no one to take her in. But you can judge for yourself, for here he is—I + am <i>so</i> glad!” + </p> + <p> + The late guest advancing to them was now shaking hands with his hostess, + and apologising for being the last to arrive; while Fan, who had suddenly + turned very pale, shrank back as if anxious to avoid being seen by him. It + was Captain Horton, not much changed in appearance, but thinner and + somewhat care-worn and jaded. Mrs. Travers at once proceeded to introduce + him to Fan, and asked him to take her in to dinner, and being preoccupied + she did not notice the girl's altered and painfully distressed appearance. + He bowed and offered his arm, but he started perceptibly when first + glancing at her face. Fan, barely resting her fingers on his sleeve, moved + on by his side, her eyes cast down, as they followed the other guests, + both keeping silence. At the table, their neighbours on either side being + deeply engaged in conversation with their respective partners, Captain + Horton found himself placed in an exceedingly trying position, but until + he had finished his soup, which he ate but did not taste, he made no + attempt to speak. The name of Eden mystified him, and more than once his + eyes wandered to that portrait hanging on the wall opposite to where he + was sitting, to find its grey eyes watching him; yet he had no doubt in + his mind that the young lady by his side was the girl he had known at + Dawson Place as Fan Affleck. At length, to avoid attracting attention, he + felt compelled to say something, and made some commonplace remarks about + the weather—its excessive heat and dryness; it had not been so hot + for years. “At noon in the City to-day,” he said, “the thermometer marked + eighty-nine degrees in the shade.” + </p> + <p> + Fan's monosyllabic replies were scarcely audible; she was very pale, and + kept her eyes religiously fixed on the table before her. At length she + ventured to glance at him, and could not help noticing, in spite of her + distress, that he seemed as ill at ease as herself. He crumbled his bread + to powder on the cloth, and when he raised his glass to drink, which he + did often enough to fill up the time, his hand shook so as almost to spill + his wine. Seeing him so nervous, she began to experience a kind of pity + for him—some such complex feeling as a very humane person might have + for a reptile he has been taught to loathe and fear when seeing it in pain—and + at length surprised him by asking if he lived in Kingston. He replied that + he usually spent the summer months there for the sake of the boating; and + then, as if afraid that they would drop into silence again, he put the + same question to her. Fan replied that she was only staying for a few days + with her friends the Travers. A few vapid remarks about Kingston and the + river was all they could find to say after that, and it was an immense + relief when the ladies at length rose and left the room. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Travers led the way through the drawing-room to the garden, but when + all her guests, except Fan, who came last, had passed out, she came back + to speak alone to the girl. + </p> + <p> + “I am afraid you are not feeling well, my dear,” she said. “You look as + pale as a ghost, and I noticed that you scarcely ate anything at dinner, + and were very silent. + </p> + <p> + “Please don't think anything of it, Mrs. Travers. I feel quite well now—perhaps + it was the heat.” + </p> + <p> + “It <i>was</i> hot, but it never seems like dinner unless we have the gas + lighted and draw the curtains.” + </p> + <p> + “I suppose I must have seemed very stupid to—the gentleman who took + me in,” remarked Fan. “Can you tell me something about him, Mrs. Travers? + Is he a friend of yours and Mr. Travers?” + </p> + <p> + “Are you really interested in him, Miss Eden?” said the other, with a + disconcerting smile. + </p> + <p> + The girl's face flushed painfully. After a little reflection she said: + </p> + <p> + “I was so silent at table, hardly answering a word when he spoke—perhaps + he thought me very strange and shy.” She paused, blushing again at her own + disingenuousness. “I must have felt nervous, or frightened, at something + in him. Do you know him well—is he a bad man, Mrs. Travers?” + </p> + <p> + “My dear child, what a shocking thing to say—and of a gentleman you + have scarcely spoken to! You shall hear his whole biography, since you are + so curious about him. We have known him a long time: he is a nephew of an + old friend of ours—Mr. George Horton, a stockbroker, very wealthy. + Captain Horton had a small fortune left to him, but he ran through with + it, and so—had to leave the army. He was a sporting man, and had the + misfortune to lose; that, I think, is the worst that can be said of him. + About two years ago he went to his uncle and begged to be taken on in the + office; he was sick of an idle life, he said. His uncle did not believe + that he would do any good in the City, but consented to give him a trial. + Since then he has been as much absorbed in the business as if he had been + in it all his life. His uncle thinks him wonderfully clever, and I dare + say will make him a partner in the firm before very long. And now, my dear + Miss Eden, you must get rid of that fancy about him, because it is wrong; + and later in the evening when you hear him sing—you are so fond of + music!—you will like him as much as we do.” + </p> + <p> + After this little discourse the good woman took her station at a table in + the garden to pour out the coffee. + </p> + <p> + But there was a tumult in the girl's heart, a strange feeling she could + not analyse. It was not fear—she feared him no longer; nor hate, + since, as she had said, her happiness had taken from her the power to hate + anyone; yet it was strong as these, importunate, and its object was clear + to her soul, but how to give it expression she knew not. + </p> + <p> + The hum of conversation suddenly grew loud in the dining-room; the + gentlemen had finished their wine, if not their discussion; they had + risen, and were about to join the ladies in the garden. The impulse in her + was so strong that it was an anguish, and she could not resist it. Coming + to the side of her hostess, she spoke hesitatingly: + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Travers, when they come out, I must talk to him—to Captain + Horton, I mean, and—and try to do away with the bad impression I + must have made. He must think me so shy and silent. Will it seem strange + if I should ask him to go with me round the garden to see the roses?” + </p> + <p> + “Strange! no, indeed,” returned the other with a little laugh. “He will be + very glad to look at the roses with you, I should think.” + </p> + <p> + Fan kept her place by the table when the gentlemen came out. Captain + Horton's eyes studiously avoided her face. + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Travers,” he said, taking a cup of coffee from her hand, “I hope you + will not think worse of me than you already do if I leave you at once. + Unfortunately for me, I have an appointment which must be kept.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh that is really too bad of you,” said the lady. “We were anticipating + so much pleasure from your singing this evening. And here is Miss Eden + just waiting to take you round the garden to show you our roses—perhaps + you can spare ten minutes to see them?” + </p> + <p> + He glanced at the girl's pale, troubled face. + </p> + <p> + “I shall be very pleased to look at the roses with Miss Eden,” he + returned, setting down his cup with a somewhat unsteady hand. + </p> + <p> + His voice, however, expressed no pleasure, but only surprise, and while + speaking he anxiously consulted his watch. Fan came round to his side at + once, and together they moved towards the lower end of the grounds. + </p> + <p> + “Do you admire flowers?” She spoke mechanically. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I do.” + </p> + <p> + After an interval she spoke again. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Travers takes great pride in his roses. They are very lovely.” + </p> + <p> + He made no reply. + </p> + <p> + Then at last, in a kind of despair, she added: + </p> + <p> + “But it was not to show you the roses that I asked you to come with me.” + </p> + <p> + He inclined his head slightly, but said nothing. + </p> + <p> + “You remember me—do you not?” she asked after a while. + </p> + <p> + He considered the question for a few moments, then answered, “Yes, Miss + Eden.” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps it surprised you to hear me called by that name. It was my + father's name, and I have now taken it in obedience to my brother's wish.” + </p> + <p> + At this mention of father and brother he involuntarily glanced at her face—that + same pure delicate face to which he had once brought so terrified a look + and a pallor as of death. + </p> + <p> + For some minutes more they paced the walks at the end of the garden in + silence, he waiting for her to speak, she unable to say anything. + </p> + <p> + “Allow me to remind you,” he said at length, looking again at his watch, + “that I am a little pressed for time. I understood, or imagined, that you + had something to say to me—not about roses.” + </p> + <p> + “I am so sorry—I can say nothing,” she murmured in reply. Then after + an interval, with an effort, “But perhaps it will be the same if you know + what I came out for—if you can guess.” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps I can guess only too well,” he returned bitterly. “You were + kindly going to warn me that you intend bringing some damning accusation + against me to the Travers. You need not have troubled yourself about it; + you might have spared yourself, and me, the misery of this interview. It + surprised me very much to meet you here, as I had no desire to cross your + path. I shall not enter this house again, and Kingston will soon see the + last of me. It would have been better, I think—more maidenly, if you + will allow me to say so—to have met me as a perfect stranger and + made no sign.” + </p> + <p> + “I could not do that,” she answered, with a ring of pain in her voice. + “You speak angrily, and take it for granted that I am going to do you some + injury. Oh, what a mistake you are making! Nothing would ever induce me to + breathe one word to the Travers, nor to anyone, of what I know of you.” + </p> + <p> + He looked surprised and relieved. “Then, in heaven's name, why not try and + forget all about it? You have friends and relations now, and seem to have + made the best of your opportunities. Is there anything to be gained by + stirring up the past?” + </p> + <p> + “I do not know. I thought so, but perhaps I was wrong.” + </p> + <p> + He looked at her again, openly, and with growing interest. He had hated + her memory, had cursed her a thousand times, for having come between him + and the woman he wanted to marry; but it made a wonderful difference in + his feelings towards her just at present to find that she was not his + enemy. “Will you sit down here, Miss Eden,” he said, speaking now not only + without animosity but gently, “and let me hear what you wished to say? I + beg your pardon for the injustice I did you a minute ago, but I am still + in the dark as to your motive in seeking this interview.” + </p> + <p> + She sat down on a garden seat, under the shade of a wide-branching lime; + he a little apart. But she could say nothing, albeit so much was in her + heart, and her impulse had been so strong; so far as her power to express + that strange emotion went, in the dark he would have to remain. She could + not say to him—it was a feeling, not a thought—that her clear + soul had taken some turbidness that was foreign to it from his; that when + she forgot the past and his existence it settled and left her pure again; + she could not say—the thought existed without form in her mind—that + it would have been better if he had never been born because he had + offended; but that just because the offence had been against herself, + something of the guilt seemed to attach itself to her, causing her to know + remorse and shrink from herself; that it was somehow in his power—he + having performed this miracle—to deliver her. + </p> + <p> + From time to time her companion glanced at her pale face; he did not press + her to speak, he could see that she was powerless; but he was thinking of + many things, and it was borne in on him that if he could bring about a + change in her feelings towards him, it might be well for him—not in + any spiritual sense; he was only thinking of Mary and his passion for her, + which had never filled his heart until the moment of that separation which + had promised to be eternal. In a vague way he comprehended something of + the feeling that was in the girl's heart; for it was plain that to be near + him was unspeakably painful to her, and yet—strange contradiction!—she + had now put herself in his way. He dropped a few tentative words that + seemed to express regret for the past, and when he remarked that she + listened eagerly, and waited for more, he knew that he was on safe and + profitable ground. Safe, and how easy to walk on! At a moment's notice he + had accepted this new, apparently unsuitable part, and its strange passion + at once grew familiar to him, and could be expressed easily. Perhaps he + even deceived himself, for a few minutes or for half an hour while the + process of deceiving another lasted, that he had actually felt as he said—that + his changed manner of life had resulted from this feeling. “If I have not + known remorse,” he said, “I pity the poor fellows who do.” And much more + he said, speaking not fluently, but brokenly, with intervals of silence, + as if something that had long remained hidden had at last been wrung from + him. + </p> + <p> + All this time Fan had said nothing, nor did she speak when he had finished + his story. Nor did he wish it; the strange trouble and pallor had passed + away, and there was a tender light in her eyes that was better than + speech. + </p> + <p> + They rose and moved slowly towards the house. The drawing-room was + lighted, and the guests were now gathering there to listen to a lady at + the piano singing. They could hear her plainly enough, for her voice, said + to be soprano, was exceedingly shrill, and she was singing, <i>Tell me, my + heart</i>—a difficult thing, all flourishes, and she rendered it + like an automaton lark with its internal machinery gone wrong. + </p> + <p> + “Shall we go in?” said Fan. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, Miss Eden, if you wish; but don't you think we can hear this song + best where we are? I find it hard to ask you a question I have had in my + mind for some minutes, but I must ask it. Are you still with Miss + Starbrow?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no; we separated a long time ago, and for very long—nearly + eighteen months—I never heard from her.” + </p> + <p> + “I hope you will not think it an impertinent question; but—there + must have been some very serious reason to have kept you apart so long?” + </p> + <p> + “No, scarcely that. I have always felt the same towards her. She did so + much for me. It was only a misunderstanding.” + </p> + <p> + “And now?” + </p> + <p> + “Now I am so glad to say that it is all over, and that she is my dearest + friend.” + </p> + <p> + “And is she still living at Dawson Place—and single?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes.” But after a few moments she said, “You had one question more to + ask, Captain Horton, had you not?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” he returned. “You must know what it is.” + </p> + <p> + “But it is hard to answer. She mentioned your name once—lately; but + her feelings are just as bitter against you.” + </p> + <p> + “I could not expect it to be otherwise,” he returned, and they walked on + towards the house. + </p> + <p> + Before they reached it Mrs. Travers appeared to them. “Still looking at + the roses?” she said with a laugh. “How fond of flowers you two must be! + Can you spare us another ten minutes before keeping your appointment, + Captain Horton, and sing us one of your songs?” + </p> + <p> + “As many as you like, Mrs. Travers,” he returned. “You see, after going to + see the roses it was too late to keep the appointment. And I am very glad + it was, for I have had a very pleasant conversation with Miss Eden, about + flowers, and the beauties of Kingston, and of the Stock Exchange, and a + dozen things besides.” + </p> + <p> + Fan, sitting a little apart and beside the open window, listened with a + strange pleasure to that fine baritone voice which she now heard again + after so long a time, and wondered to herself whether it would ever again + be joined with Mary's in that rich harmony to which she had so often + listened standing on the stairs. + </p> + <p> + It was nearly eleven o'clock before Captain Horton found an opportunity to + speak to her again. “Miss Eden,” he said, dropping into a seat next to + her, “I am anxious to say one—no, two things, before leaving you. + One is that I know that after this evening I shall be a happier man. The + other is this: if I should ever be able to serve you in any way—if + you could ever bring yourself to ask my assistance in any way, it would + give me a great happiness. But perhaps it is a happiness I have no right + to expect.” + </p> + <p> + Before he had finished speaking her wish to find Constance, and Mr. + Travers' failure, came to her mind, and she eagerly caught at his offer. + </p> + <p> + “I am so glad you did not leave me before saying this,” she replied. “You + can help me in something now, I think.” + </p> + <p> + “How glad I am to hear you say that, Miss Eden! I am entirely at your + service; tell me what I can do for you.” + </p> + <p> + She told him about the marriage of his former friend, Merton Chance, with + Constance, and about their disappearance, and her anxiety to find her + friend. + </p> + <p> + Captain Horton, after hearing all the particulars, promised to write to + her on her return to Quebec Street to let her know the result of the + inquiries he would begin making on the morrow. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0039" id="link2HCH0039"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIX + </h2> + <p> + Two days later Fan returned to her apartments, and shortly after arriving + there received a letter from Captain Horton, giving her an account of what + he had been doing for her since their memorable meeting at Kingston. He + had gone to work in a very systematic way, enlisting the services of a + number of clergymen and other philanthropic workers at the East End to + make inquiries for him; and it would be strange, he concluded, if the + Chances escaped being discovered, unless they had quitted that part of + London. + </p> + <p> + A few days later, about the middle of August, came a second letter, which + made Fan's heart leap with joy. Captain Horton had found out that the + Chances were living at Mile End, but did not know their address yet. He + had come across a gentleman—a curate without a curacy, a kind of + Christian free-lance—who lived in that neighbourhood and knew the + persons sought for intimately, but declined to give their address or to + say anything about them; but he had consented to meet Miss Eden at Captain + Horton's office in the City and speak to her; and the meeting had been + arranged to take place at two o'clock on the following day. Fan took care + to be at the office punctually at two. + </p> + <p> + “Our friend has not yet arrived,” said Captain Horton, after giving her a + chair in the office, “but we can look for him soon, I think, as he did not + seem like a person who would fail to keep an engagement. He is a very good + fellow, I have heard, but seemed rather to resent being questioned about + his mysterious friends, and was very reticent. Ah, here he is.” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Northcott!” exclaimed Fan, starting up with a face full of joy; for + it was he, looking older, and with a pale, care-worn face, which, together + with his somewhat rusty clerical coat and hat, seemed to show that the + world had not gone well with him since he had left Eyethorne. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Affleck—if I had only imagined that it was you! How glad I am + to meet you once more! How glad Mrs. Chance will be to hear from you,” he + said, taking her hand. + </p> + <p> + “But I wish to see her, Mr. Northcott—I <i>must</i> see her,” said + Fan; and the curate at once offered to conduct her to her friend's home at + Mile End. + </p> + <p> + Leaving the office, they took a cab and set out for their destination; but + during the drive Fan had little chance of hearing any details concerning + her friend's life; for what with the noise of the streets and the rattling + of the cab, it was scarcely possible to hear a word; and whenever there + came a quieter interval the curate wished to hear how Fan had passed her + time, and why she had been addressed as Miss Eden. + </p> + <p> + At length they got to their journey's end, the cab, for some reason, being + dismissed at some distance from the house they had come to visit. It was + one in a row of small, mean-looking tenements containing two floors each, + and facing other houses of the same description on the opposite side of + the narrow macadamised road, which, with the loose stones and other + rubbish in it, presented a dirty, ill-kept appearance. At the tenth or + eleventh house in the row Mr. Northcott stopped and knocked lightly at the + low front door, warped and blistered by the sun which poured its + intolerable heat full upon it. + </p> + <p> + A woman opened the door and greeted the curate with a smile; then casting + a surprised look at his companion, stood aside to let them pass into the + narrow, dark, stuffy hallway. “He'll be sleeping just now,” said the + woman, pointing up the stairs. “You can just go quietly up. She'll be + there by herself doing of her writing.” + </p> + <p> + “We must go up softly then,” he said, turning to Fan. “Poor Chance is very + ill, and sleeps principally in the daytime. That's why I got rid of the + cab some distance from the house.” + </p> + <p> + He led the way up the narrow creaking stairs to a door on the first + landing standing partly open; before it hung a wet chintz curtain, + preventing their seeing into the room. Her conductor tapped lightly on the + doorframe, and presently the wet curtain was moved aside by Constance, who + greeted her visitor with a glad smile while giving him her hand, but the + darkness of the small landing, which had no light from above, prevented + her from seeing Fan for some moments. + </p> + <p> + “Harold—at last!” she said, her hand still resting in his. “I have + waited two days for you; but I was resolved not to send the manuscript + till you had read it.” Then she caught sight of Fan, standing a little + behind him, and started back, a look of the greatest astonishment coming + into her face. + </p> + <p> + “I have brought you an old friend, Constance,” said the curate, stepping + aside. + </p> + <p> + “Fan—my darling Fan!” she exclaimed, but still in a subdued voice, + and in a moment the two friends were locked in a long and close embrace. + </p> + <p> + “Constance—what a change! Let me look at your dear face again. Oh, + how unkind of you to keep your address from me all this time!” + </p> + <p> + The other raised her face, and for some moments they gazed into each + other's eyes, wet with tears. She was indeed changed; and that rich brown + tint, which had looked so beautiful, and made her so different from + others, had quite faded from her pale thin face, so that she no longer + looked like the Constance Churton of the old days. Even her hair had been + affected by trouble and bad health; it was combed out and hanging loose on + her back, and Fan noticed that the fine bronze glint had gone out of the + heavy brown tresses like joy or hope from a darkened life. She was wearing + a very simple cotton wrapper, and though evidently made of the very + cheapest kind of stuff, it had faded almost white with many washings. + Altogether it was plain to see that the Chances were very poor; and yet + the expression on her friend's altered face was not a desponding one. + </p> + <p> + “You must forgive me for not writing, dearest Fan,” she said at length. + “There would have been things to tell which could not be told without + pain. It was wrong—cowardly in me to keep silence, I know. And it + grieved me to think that you too might be in trouble and want.” Then, + after surveying Fan's costume for some moments, she added with a smile. + “But that was a false fear, I hope.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, dear. At any rate, for some time past I have had everything I could + wish for, and dear friends to care for me. But that is a very long story, + Constance, and I am anxious to hear how your husband is.” + </p> + <p> + All this time the curate had been standing patiently by; he now took his + departure, after arranging to return to see Fan as far west as the City on + her way home at six o'clock in the evening. + </p> + <p> + Constance raised the wet curtain and led Fan into the sitting-room. It was + small and mean enough, with a very low ceiling, dingy, discoloured + wall-paper, and a few articles of furniture such as one sees in a + working-man's lodging. Near the front window stood a small deal table, on + which were pens, ink, and a pile of closely-written sheets of paper, + showing how Constance had been employed. The two doors—one by which + they had entered, and another leading to the bedroom—also the + window, were open, and before them all wet pieces of chintz were hanging. + This was done to mitigate the intense heat, Constance explained; the sun + shining directly down on the slates made the low-roofed rooms like an + oven, and the quickly evaporating moisture created a momentary coolness. + Merton was asleep in the second room; his nights, she said, were so bad + that he generally fell asleep during the day; he had not risen yet, and + her whole study was to keep the rooms cool and quiet while he rested. + </p> + <p> + Fan took off her hat and settled down to have a long talk with her friend. + </p> + <p> + “Fan, dear,” said the other, after returning from the bedroom to make sure + that Merton still slept, “we must talk in as low a tone as possible, I + mean without whispering. And we have so much to say to each other.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, indeed; I am dying to hear all about your life since you vanished + from Notting Hill.” + </p> + <p> + “But, Fan, my curiosity about your life is still greater—and no + wonder! I have been constantly thinking about you—crying, too, + sometimes—imagining all sorts of painful things—that you were + destitute and friendless, perhaps, in this cruel London. And now here you + are, I don't know how, like a vision of the West End, with that subtle + perfume about you, and looking more beautiful than I have ever seen you, + except on that one occasion; do you remember?—on that first evening + in the orchard at dear old Eyethorne. Look at <i>my</i> dress, Fan, my + second best! But how much more did it astound me to hear Harold—I + call Mr. Northcott by his Christian name now—addressing you as <i>Miss + Eden</i> when he left. What does it all mean? If he had called you <i>Mrs.</i> + Eden I might have guessed what wonderful things had happened to you.” + </p> + <p> + Fan was prepared for this. There were some things not to be revealed; she + remembered that Mary had looked into her very soul when she had heard the + strange story, and her quick apprehension and knowledge of human nature + had no doubt supplied the links that were missing in it. Now by + anticipation she had prepared a narrative which would run smoothly, and + began it without further delay; and for half an hour Constance listened + with intense interest, only interrupting to bestow a kiss and whisper a + tender consoling word when her friend was at last compelled, with + faltering speech, to confess that she was no legitimate child of her + father. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Fan, I am so glad that this has happened to you. So much more glad + than if I had myself experienced some great good fortune. And your brother—oh, + how nobly he has acted—how much you must love and admire him! I + remember that evening so well when you met him; I thought then that I had + never seen anyone with so charming a manner. And there was something so + melodious and sympathetic in his voice; how strange that it never struck + me as being like yours, and that he was like you in his eyes, and so many + things!” + </p> + <p> + “But tell me about yourself, Constance.” + </p> + <p> + “I could put it all in twenty words, but that would not be fair, and would + not satisfy you. Since our marriage we have simply been drifting down the + current, getting poorer and poorer, and also moving about from place to + place—I mean since you lost sight of us. And at last it was + impossible for us to go any lower, for we were destitute, and—it + will shock you to hear it—obliged even to pledge our clothes to buy + bread.” + </p> + <p> + “And you would not write to me, Constance, nor even to your mother! I know + that, because I wrote to her to ask for your address, and she replied that + she did not know it, that I knew more about your movements in London than + she did.” + </p> + <p> + “I could not write to you, Fan, knowing that you barely had enough to keep + yourself, and that it would only have distressed you. Nor could I write to + them at home. Those poor fields they have to live on are mortgaged almost + up to their value, and after paying interest they have little left for + expenses in the house. Besides, Fan, we had already received help from Mr. + Eden and other friends, and it had proved worse than useless. It only + seemed to have the effect of making us less able to help ourselves.” + </p> + <p> + “And your husband—was he not earning something with his lecturing + and the articles he wrote?” + </p> + <p> + “Not with the lecturing, as you call it. With the articles, yes, but very + little. They were political articles, you know, and were printed in + socialistic papers, and not many of them were paid for. But after a while + all his enthusiasm died out; he could not go on with it, and was not + prepared with anything else. He grew to hate the whole thing at last, and + was a little too candid with his former friends when he told them that + they were a living proof of the judgment Carlyle had passed on his + countrymen. It was hardly safe for him to walk about the streets among the + people who had begun to expect great things from him. It is a dreadful + thing to say, but it is the simple truth, that our next move would have + been to the workhouse. And just then his illness began. He was out all + night and met with some accident; it was a pouring wet night, and he was + brought home in the morning bruised and injured, soaking wet, and the + result was a fever and cough, which turned to something like consumption. + He has suffered terribly, and I have sometimes despaired of his life; but + he is better now, I think—I hope. Only this dreadful heat we are + having keeps him so weak. You can't imagine how anxiously we are looking + forward to a change in the weather; the cool days will so refresh him when + they come.” + </p> + <p> + “But, Constance, you haven't told me yet how you escaped what you were + fearing when he first fell ill.” + </p> + <p> + The other looked up, tears starting in her eyes, and a glow of warm colour + coming into her pale cheeks. “Oh, Fan,” she said, her voice trembling with + emotion, “have you not yet guessed who came to us in our darkest hour and + saved us from worse things than we had already known? Yes; Mr. Northcott, + a poor unemployed clergyman, without any private income, struggling for + his own subsistence, and frequently in bad health; but no rich and + powerful man could have given us such help and comfort. How can I tell it + all to you? He found us out after we left Norland Square. He had left + Eyethorne shortly after we did, but not before he had heard from mother + about my marriage, and my husband's name. He introduced himself to Merton + one evening at a socialistic meeting, and after that he occasionally came + to see us, and he and Merton had endless arguments, for he was not a + socialist. But they became great friends, and he was always trying to + persuade my husband to turn his talents to other things. He wished Merton + to try his hand at little descriptive and character sketches, interspersed + with incidents partly true and partly fictitious. He said that I would be + able to help; and one day he related a little incident, minutely + describing the actors in it, and begged us to write it out in the way he + suggested, but unfortunately the idea never took with Merton. He thought + it too trivial; or else he could not work. So I tried my hand alone at it; + and Harold saw what I had done, and asked me to rewrite it, and make some + alterations which he suggested. Then he sent me a rough sketch he had + written and asked me to work it up in the same way as the first; and when + I had finished it I sent him the two papers together. Shortly afterwards, + when Merton was ill and I was at my wits' end, Harold came to say that he + had sold the sketches to the editor of the <i>Lady's Pictorial</i>, who + liked them so much that he wished to have more from the same hand. Imagine + how glad I was to get the cheque Harold had brought me! But about the + other sketches asked for, I told him that I could not write them because I + had no materials. He had supplied me with incidents, characters, and + descriptions of localities for the first time, and I could not go about to + find fresh matter for myself. He said that he had thought of that, and + that he was prepared to supply me with as much material as I required. He + would give me facts, and my fancy would do the rest. He only laughed at + the idea that I would be sucking his brains and depriving him of his own + means of subsistence. He was always about among the poor, he said, and + talking to people of all descriptions, and hearing and seeing things well + worth being told in print, but he was without the special kind of talent + and style of writing necessary to give literary form to such matter. His + tastes lay in other directions, and the only writing he could do was of a + very different kind. Then I gladly consented, and Merton was pleased also, + and promised to help; but—poor fellow—he has not had the + strength to do anything yet.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Constance, how glad I am to hear this. But is it not terribly trying + for you to do so much work in this close hot room, and attend to your + husband at the same time? And you get no proper rest at night, I suppose. + Is it not making you ill?” + </p> + <p> + “No, dear; it comes easier every week, and has made me better, I think. + The heat is very trying, I must say; and I can only write when Merton is + asleep, generally in the early part of the day. But do you know, Fan, that + in spite of our poverty and my great and constant anxiety about Merton's + health, I feel some happiness in my heart now. If I possessed a morbid + mind or conscience I should probably call myself heartless for being able + to feel happiness at such a time—happiness and pride at my success. + But I am not morbid, thank goodness, or at war with my own nature—with + the better part of my nature, I might say. And it is so sweet—oh, + Fan, how unutterably sweet it is, to feel that I am doing something for + him and for myself, that my life is not being wasted, that my brains are + beginning to bear fruit at last!” + </p> + <p> + “I wonder whether I have ever seen any of your sketches, Constance? I have + read some things, and cried and laughed over them, in the <i>Pictorial</i>, + called 'Eastern Idylls.'” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, Fan, that is the title of my sketches. How strange that you should + have seen them! How glad I am!” + </p> + <p> + Fan related the circumstances; then Constance paid another visit to the + bedroom to listen to the invalid's breathing. Returning, she presently + resumed, “Fan, is it not wonderful that we should experience such goodness + from one who after all was no more than an acquaintance, and who has so + little of life's good things? He has never offered to help us even with + one shilling in money, and that only shows his delicacy. Had he been ever + so rich and given us help in money there would have been a sting in it. + And yet look how much more than money he gives us—how much time he + spends, and what trouble he takes to keep me supplied with fresh matter + for my writings. I'm sure he goes about with eyes and ears open to all he + sees and hears more for our sakes than for his own. Is it not wonderful, + Fan?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes; it is very sweet, but not strange, I think,” said Fan, smiling; and + after reflecting a few moments she was just about to add: “He has always + loved you, since he knew you at Eyethorne, and he would do anything for + you.” + </p> + <p> + But at that moment Constance half turned her head to listen, and so the + perilous words were not spoken. “Consideration like an angel came,” and + before the other turned to her to resume the conversation, Fan looked back + on what she had just escaped with a feeling like that of the mariner who + sees the half-hidden rock only after he has safely passed it. + </p> + <p> + They talked on for half an hour longer, when a low moan, followed by a fit + of coughing in the adjoining room, made Constance start up and go to her + husband. She returned in a few minutes, but only to say that she would be + absent some time assisting Merton to dress; then giving Fan the proof of + the last “Idyll” she had sent to the paper to read, she again left the + room. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0040" id="link2HCH0040"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XL + </h2> + <p> + Fan read the sketch, but her mind was too much occupied with all she had + just heard, in addition to the joy she felt at having recovered her + friend, to pay much attention to it. Moreover the increasing heat began to + oppress her; she marvelled that Constance, accustomed all her life to the + freedom and cool expanse of the country, should find it possible to work + in such an atmosphere and amidst such surroundings. + </p> + <p> + At length, Merton, who had been coughing a great deal while dressing, came + in assisted by his wife, but quite exhausted with the exertion of walking + from one room to the other; and after shaking hands with their visitor he + sunk into his easy-chair, not yet able to talk. She was greatly shocked at + the change in him; the once fine, marble-like face was horribly wasted, so + that the sharp unsightly bones looked as if they would cut their way + through the deadly dry parchment-yellow skin that covered them; and the + deep blue eyes now looked preternaturally large and bright—all the + brighter for the dark purple stains beneath them. He was low indeed, nigh + unto death perhaps; yet he did not appear cast down in the least, but even + while he sat breathing laboriously, still unable to speak, the eyes had a + pleased hopeful look as they rested on their visitor's face. A smile, too, + hovered about the corners of his mouth as his glance wandered over her + costume. For, in spite of feeling the heat a great deal, she <i>looked</i> + cool in her light-hued summer dress, with its dim blue pattern on a + cream-coloured ground. The loose fashion in which it was made, the tints, + and light frosting of fine lace on neck and sleeves, harmonised well with + the grey tender eyes, the pure delicate skin, and golden hair. + </p> + <p> + “You could not have chosen a fitter costume to visit us in,” said Merton + at length. “I can hardly believe that you come to us from some other part + of this same foul, hot, dusty London. To my fever-parched fancy you seem + rather to have come from some distant unpolluted place, where green leaves + flutter in the wind and cast shadows on the ground; where crystal showers + fall, and the vision of the rainbow is sometimes seen.” + </p> + <p> + Constance came to his side and bent over him. + </p> + <p> + “You must not be tyrannical, Connie,” he said. “I really must talk. Even a + bird in prison sings its song after a fashion, and why not I?” + </p> + <p> + And seeing him so anxious to begin she made no further objection, + contenting herself with giving him a draught from his medicine bottle. She + had already told him Fan's story, and he had heard it with some interest. + He congratulated the girl on having found a brother in his old + school-fellow, Arthur Eden, and took some merit to himself for having + brought them together. But he did not make the remark that truth was + stranger than fiction. It was evident that he was impatient to get to + other more important matters. + </p> + <p> + “You have doubtless heard from my wife,” he said, “that I have parted + company with those misguided people that call themselves socialists. Well, + Miss Affleck, the fact is—” + </p> + <p> + “Eden,” corrected Constance with a smile. She was quietly moving about the + room in her list slippers, engaged in remoistening the hangings, which had + now grown dry and hot. + </p> + <p> + “I beg your pardon, Miss Eden. Yes, thanks—Fan; that will be better + still among such old friends as we are. What I wish to say is, that my + mind was never really carried away with their fantastical theories—their + dreams of a social condition where all men will be equally far removed + from want and excessive wealth. I could have told them at once that they + were overlooking the first and greatest law of organic nature, that the + stone which the builders despised would fall on them and grind them to + powder. At the same time my feelings were engaged on their side, I am + bound to confess; I did think it possible to educe some good out of this + general ferment and dissatisfaction with the conditions of life. For, + after all, this ferment—this great clamour and shouting and hurrying + to and fro—represents force—blind brute force, no doubt, like + that of waves dashing themselves to pieces on the rocks, or of the tempest + let loose on the world. A tempest unhappily without an angel to guide it; + for I look upon the would-be angels—the Burnses—Morrises—Champions—Hyndmans—merely + as so many crows, rooks, and jackdaws, who have incontinently rushed in to + swell the noise with their outrageous cawing, and to be tossed and blown + about, hither and thither, among the dust, sticks, old newspapers, and + pieces of rotten wood stirred up by the wind. Good would have come of it + if it had been possible to introduce a gleam of sense and reason into the + foggy brains of these wretched men. But that was impossible. I am ashamed + to have to confess that I ever believed it possible—that I assumed, + when planning their welfare, that they were not absolutely irrational. I + have not only thrown the whole thing up, but the disgust, the revulsion of + feeling I have experienced, has had the effect of making me perfectly + indifferent as to the ultimate fate of these people. If some person were + to come to me to-morrow to say that all the East-enders, from Bishopsgate + Street to Bow, had been seized with a kind of frenzy, like that which from + time to time takes possession of the Norway marmots, or bandicoots, or + whatever they are called—” + </p> + <p> + “Lemmings,” said Constance. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, lemmings. Thanks, Connie, you are a perfect walking encyclopædia. + And—like these Norway lemmings—had rushed into the Thames at + Tilbury, men, women, and children, and been drowned, I should say, 'I am + very pleased to hear it.' For to my mind these people are no more worthy + of being saved than a migrating horde of Norway rats, or than the Gadarene + swine that ran down the steep and were drowned in the sea.” + </p> + <p> + Fan listened with astonishment, and turned to Constance, wondering what + would be the effect of such dreadful sentiments on her, and not without + recalling some of those “Idylls,” inspired by a spirit so loving and + gentle and Christian. But she seemed to be paying little attention to the + matter of her husband's discourse, to be concerned only at the state of + his health. + </p> + <p> + “Merton, dear,” she said, “if you talk so much at a stretch you will bring + on another fit of coughing.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, yes, thanks for reminding me. Let me have another sip of that + mixture. Then I shall speak of other more hopeful things. And the + sweetness of hope shall be like that rosy honey, rose-scented, to soften + my throat, made dry and harsh with barren themes. After all, Connie, these + troubles which have tried us so severely have only proved blessings in + disguise. Yes, Fan, we have been driven hither and thither about the sea, + encountering terrible storms, and sometimes fearing that our bark was + about to founder; but they have at last driven us into a haven more sweet + and restful than storm-tossed mariners ever entered before. And looking + back we can even feel grateful to the furious wind, and the hateful dark + blue wave that brought us to such a goal.” + </p> + <p> + All this figurative language, which was like the prelude to a solemn piece + of music, gave Fan the idea that something of very great importance was + about to follow. But, alas! the mixture, and the rose-honey sweetness of + hope, failed to prevent the attack which Constance had feared, and he + coughed so long and so violently that Fan, after being a distressed + spectator for some time, grew positively alarmed. By-and-by, glancing at + her friend's face as she stood bending over the sufferer, holding his + bowed head between her palms, she concluded that it was no more than an + everyday attack, and that no fatal results need be feared. Relieved of her + apprehension, she began to think less of the husband and more of the wife; + for what resignation, what courage and strength she had shown since her + unhappy marriage, and what self-sacrificing devotion to her weak unworthy + life-partner! Or was it a mistake, she now asked herself, to regard him as + weak and unworthy? Had not Constance, with a finer insight—her + superior in this as in most things—seen the unapparent strength, the + secret hidden virtue, that was in him, and which would show itself when + the right time came? No, Fan could not believe that. Tom Starbrow and the + poor pale-faced curate in his rusty coat were true strong men, and the + woman that married either of them would not lean on a reed that would + break and pierce her to the quick; and Captain Horton was also a strong + man, although he had certainly been a very bad one. But this man, in spite + of his nimble brains and eloquent tongue, was weak and unstable, + hopelessly—fatally. The suffering and the poverty which had come to + these two, which in the wife's case only made the innate virtue of her + spirit to shine forth with starlike lustre, would make and could make no + difference to him. Words were nothing to Fan; not because of his words had + she forgiven Captain Horton his crime; and if Merton had spoken with the + eloquence of a Ruskin, or an angel, it would have had no effect on her. + She considered his life only, and it failed to satisfy her. + </p> + <p> + Recovered from his attack, Merton sat resting languidly in his chair, his + half-closed eyes looking straight before him. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, to lead men,” he said, speaking in a low voice, with frequent pauses, + as if soliloquising. “Not higher in their sense—what they with minds + darkened with a miserable delusion call higher.... Up and still up, and + higher still, through ways that grow stonier, where vegetation shrivels in + the bleak winds, and animal life dies for lack of nourishment. Will they + find the Promised Land there, when their toil is finished, when they have + reached their journey's end? A vast plateau of sand and rock; a Central + Asian desert; a cavern blown in by icy winds for only inn; a 'gaunt and + taciturn host' to receive them; and at last, to perform the last offices, + the high-soaring vulture, and the wild wind scattering dust and sleet on + their bones.... Ah, to make them see—to make them know!... Poor dumb + brutish cattle, consumed with fever of thirst, bellowing with rage, + trampling each other down in a pen too small to hold them! Ah, to show + them the gate—the wide-open gate—to make them lie down in + green pastures, to lead them beside the still waters!... Better for me, if + I cannot lead, to leave them; to go away and dwell alone! to seek in + solitary places, as others have done, some wild bitter root to heal their + distemper; to come back with something in my hands;... to consider by what + symbols to address them; to send them from time to time a message, to be + scoffed at by most and heard with kindling hope by those whose souls are + not wholly darkened.” + </p> + <p> + After a long silence he spoke again to ask his wife to get him a book from + his bedroom, which he had been reading that morning, to find in it many + sweet comforting things. She had been seated at some distance from him, + apparently paying no attention to his enigmatical words, but now quickly + put down her work and got the book for him from the next room. + </p> + <p> + “Thanks,” he said, taking it. “Yes, here it is. I wish to read you this + passage, Connie: 'Now they began to go down the hill into the Valley of + Humiliation. It was a steep hill, and their way was slippery, but they + were very careful, so they got down pretty well. Then said Mr. + Great-heart, We need not be afraid in this Valley, for here is nothing to + hurt us, unless we procure it for ourselves. It is true that Christian did + here meet with Apollyon, with whom he also had a sore combat; but that + fray was the fruit of those slips that he got in his going down the hill; + for they that get slips there must look for combats here.' Do you see what + I mean, Connie?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, dear,” she replied, very quietly. + </p> + <p> + Then he continued, “'For the common people, when they hear that some + frightful thing has befallen such a one in such a place, are of an opinion + that that place is haunted with some foul fiend or evil spirit, when, + alas! it is for the fruit of their own doing that such things do befall + them there!' Listen, Connie: 'No disparagement to Christian, more than to + many others, whose hap and lot was his; for it is easier going up than + down this hill, and that can be said but of few hills in all these parts + of the world. But we will leave the good man, he is at rest, he also had a + brave victory over his enemy; let Him grant that dwelleth above that we + fare no worse, when we come to be tried, than he. But we will come again + to this Valley of Humiliation. It is fat ground, and, as you see, + consisteth much in meadows, and if a man was to come here in the + summer-time, as we do now, and if he also delighted himself in the sight + of his eyes, he might see that that would be delightful to him. Behold how + green this Valley is, also how beautiful with lilies. Some have also + wished that the next way to their Father's house were here, that they + might be no more troubled with hills and mountains to go over, but the way + is the way, and there is an end. + </p> + <p> + “'Now, as they were going along and talking, they espied a boy feeding his + father's sheep. The boy was in very mean clothes, but of a very fresh and + well-favoured countenance; and as he sat by himself he sang. Then said the + guide, Do you hear him? I will dare to say, that this boy lives a merrier + life, and wears more of that herb called heart's-ease in his bosom, than + he that is clad in silk and velvet. Here a man shall be free from noise + and the hurryings of this life. All states are full of noise and + confusion, only the Valley of Humiliation is that empty and solitary + place. Here a man shall not be so hindered in his contemplation, as in + other places he is apt to be. This is a valley that nobody walks in but + those that love a pilgrim's life; and I must tell you that in former times + men have met with angels here, have found pearls here, and here in this + place found the words of life.'” + </p> + <p> + He closed the book and swallowed some more of the mixture, which + Constance, standing at his side, had been holding in readiness for him. + </p> + <p> + Fan by this time had come to the conclusion that Merton had become + religious, although the scornful way in which he had spoken of the + inhabitants of East London scarcely seemed to favour such an idea. But she + knew that he had been reading from <i>The Pilgrim's Progress</i>, a book + which Mrs. Churton had put in her hands, and helped her to understand. She + did not know that he was putting an interpretation of his own on the + allegory which might have made the glorious Bedford tinker clench his + skeleton fist and hammer a loud “No—no!” on his mouldy coffin-lid. + </p> + <p> + “Fan, my dear girl,” he said, after a while, “I cannot expect you to + understand what I am talking about. You must be satisfied to wait many + days longer before it is all made plain. I have a thousand things to say + which will be said in good time. A thousand thousand things. Books to + write—volume following volume; so much to do for poor humanity that + the very thought of it would make my heart fail were it not for the great + faith that is in me. But the paper is still white, and the pen lies idle + waiting for this unnerved hand to gain strength to hold it. For you must + know that in my descent into this valley I have met with many a slip and + fall, and have suffered the consequences: Apollyon has come forth to bar + my way, and I have not done with him yet, nor he with me. I have answered + all his sophistical arguments, have resisted all his temptations, and it + has come to a life-and-death struggle between us. With what deadly fury + his thrusts and cuts are made, my poor wife will tell you. My days are + comparatively peaceful; I feel that I am near the green meadows, beautiful + with lilies, and can almost hear the singing of the light-hearted + shepherd-boy. But at night the shadows come again; the shouts and + vauntings of my adversary are heard; I can see his crimson eyeballs, full + of malignant rage, glaring at me. To drop metaphor, my dear girl, my + nights are simply hellish. But I shall conquer yet; my time will come. + Only, to me, a sufferer turning on his bed and wishing for the dawn, how + long the time delays its coming! If I could only feel the fresh breeze in + my lungs once more; if instead of this loathsome desert of squalid streets + and slums I could look on the cool green leafy earth again, and listen to + nature's sounds, bidding me be of good courage, then these dark days would + be shortened and the new and better life begin.” + </p> + <p> + This was something easy to understand, even to Fan's poor intellect, and + she had begun to listen to his words attentively. Here was matter for her + practical mind to work upon, and her reply followed quick on his speech. + “It must be dreadful for you to remain here all through the hot weather, + Mr. Chance. I wish—I wish——” But at this moment the face + of Constance, who had drawn near and was bending over her husband's chair, + caught her eye, and she became silent, for the face had suddenly clouded + at her words. + </p> + <p> + “What were you going to say, Fan—what is it that you wish?” said + Merton, with a keener interest than he usually manifested in other + people's words. + </p> + <p> + “I wish that—that you and Constance would accompany me to some place + a little way out of town—not too far—where you would be out of + this dreadful heat and smoke, and stand——” She was about to + add, stand a better chance of recovery, but at this stage she broke off + again and cast down her eyes, fearing that she had offended her friend. + </p> + <p> + “Most willingly we will go with you, my dear girl, if you will only ask + us,” said Merton, finding that she was unable to finish her speech. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I should be so glad—so very glad!” returned Fan, in her + excitement and relief rising from her seat. “Dear Constance, what do you + say?” + </p> + <p> + But the other did not answer at once. This sudden proposal had come on her + as a painful surprise. For the last few weeks she had, even in the midst + of anxiety and suffering, rejoiced that she was self-dependent at last, + and had proudly imagined that her strength and talents would now be + sufficient to keep them in health and in sickness. And now, alas! her + husband had eagerly clutched at this offer of outside help; and, most + galling of all, from the very girl who, a short time before when she was + poor and friendless, he had found not good enough to be his wife's + associate. + </p> + <p> + At length she raised her head and spoke, but there was a red flush on her + cheek, and a tone of pain, if not of displeasure, in her voice. “Fan,” she + said, “I am so sorry you have made us this offer. It is very, very kind of + you; but, dearest, we cannot, cannot accept it.” + </p> + <p> + “And for what reason, Connie?” said her husband. + </p> + <p> + She looked down on his upturned face, and for a moment was sorely tempted + to stoop and whisper the true reason in his ear, to reply that it would be + dishonourable—a thing to be remembered after with a burning sense of + shame—to accept any good gift at the hands of this girl, who had + been thrown over and left by them without explanation or excuse a short + time before, only because circumstances had made her for a time their + inferior—their inferior, that is, according to a social code, which + they might very well have ignored in this case, since it related to a + society they had never been privileged to enter since their marriage, + which knew and cared nothing for them. But as she looked down, the yellow + skin and sunken cheek and the hollow glittering eyes that met her own made + her heart relent, and she could not say the cruel words. She kept silence + for a few moments, and then only said, “How can we go, Merton? We cannot + move without money, and besides, we have nothing fit to wear.” + </p> + <p> + “Pshaw, Connie, do you put such trifles in the scale? Have you so little + faith in our future as to shrink from this small addition to our debt? + Fan, of course, knows our circumstances and just what we would require. + Why, a paltry two or three pounds would take us out of London; and as for + clothes—well, you know how much we raised on them—a few + miserable shillings. You are proud, I know, but you mustn't forget that + Fan is Arthur Eden's sister—my old school-fellow and familiar + friend; and also that she is your old pupil, and—as I have heard you + say times without number—the dearest friend you have on earth.” + </p> + <p> + He did not see the effect of these words, and that her face had reddened + again with anger and shame, and a feeling that was almost like scorn. Fan, + seeing her distress, half-guessing its cause, went to her side and put her + arm round her. + </p> + <p> + “Constance dear,” she said, “you only need a little help at first, and I + shall be very careful and economical, and some day, when things improve, + you shall repay me every shilling I spend now. Oh, you don't know how hard + it is for me to say this to you! For I know, Constance, that if our places + were changed you would wish to act as a sister to me, and—and you + will not let me be a sister to you.” + </p> + <p> + The other kissed her and turned aside to hide her tears. Merton smiled, + and taking Fan's hand in his, stroked and caressed it. + </p> + <p> + “My dear girl,” he said, “I cannot express to you all I feel now; but away + out of this stifling atmosphere, this nightmare of hot bricks and slates + and smoking chimney-pots, in some quiet little green retreat where you + will take us, I shall be able to speak of it. What a blessing this visit + you have made us will prove! It refreshed my soul only to see you; with + that clear loveliness on which the evil atmosphere and life of this great + city has left no mark or stain, and in this dress with its tender tints + and its perfume, you appeared like a messenger of returning peace and hope + from the great Mother we worship, and who is always calling to us when we + go astray and forget her. How appropriate, how natural, how almost + expected, this kind deed of yours then seems to me!” + </p> + <p> + Constance, seeing him so elated at the prospect of the change, made no + further objection, but waited Mr. Northcott's return before discussing + details. The curate when he at last appeared suggested that it would be + well to consult a young practitioner in the neighbourhood who had been + attending Merton; and in the end he went off to look for him. While he was + gone the two girls talked about the proposed removal in a quiet practical + way, and Merton, quite willing to leave the subject of ways and means to + his wife and her friend, took no part in the conversation. Then the curate + returned with the doctor's opinion, which was that the change of air would + be beneficial, if Merton could stand being removed; but that the journey + must be short and made easy: he suggested a well-covered van, with a bed + to lie on, and protected from draughts, as better than the railroad. + </p> + <p> + Fan at once promised to find a van as well as a house near East London to + go to, and after she had prevailed on Constance to accept a loan of a few + pounds for necessary expenses, she set out with Mr. Northcott on her + return to the West End. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0041" id="link2HCH0041"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLI + </h2> + <p> + Fan resolved to employ Captain Horton again, and as it was too late in the + day to see him at his office on her way home, she wrote that evening, + asking him to find her a suitable house near East London, removed from + other houses, with garden and trees about it, and with two cool rooms for + her friends on the ground floor, and a room for herself. She knew, she + wrote, that she was putting him to great inconvenience, but felt sure that + he would be glad to serve her. + </p> + <p> + When the next day came she began to be sorely troubled in her mind; or + rather the trouble which had been in it ever since her return from + Kingston, and which she had tried not to think about, had to be faced, and + it looked somewhat formidable. For she had not yet seen Mary, in spite of + her promise made at their last parting to go to her immediately on her + return from Kingston. But much had happened since their parting: she had + met and had become friendly with the man that Mary hated with a great + hatred; and she feared that when she came to relate these things, which + would have to be related, there would be a storm. But she could no longer + delay to encounter it, and Fan knew, better than most perhaps, how to bow + her head and escape harm; and so, putting a bold face on it—though + it was not a very bold face—she got into a cab about noon and had + herself driven to Dawson Place. + </p> + <p> + Her friend received her in a strangely quiet way, with just a kiss which + was not warm, a few commonplace words of welcome, and a smile which did + not linger long on her lips. + </p> + <p> + “Why are you so cold, Mary?” + </p> + <p> + “Why are you shamefaced, Fan?” + </p> + <p> + “Am I shamefaced? I did not know.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, and I can guess the reason. You did not keep your word to me, though + you knew how anxious I was to see you at the end of your fortnight at + Kingston; and the reason is that you have something on your mind which you + fear to tell me—which you are ashamed to tell.” + </p> + <p> + “No, Mary, that is not so. I am not ashamed, but——” + </p> + <p> + “Oh yes, of course, I quite understand—<i>but!</i>” + </p> + <p> + “Dear Mary, if you will be a little patient with me you shall know + everything I have to tell, and then you will know exactly why I didn't + come to you the moment I got back to town. For the last two or three days + I have been in pursuit of the Chances, and have at last found them.” + </p> + <p> + “How did you find them?” + </p> + <p> + “It is a very long story, Mary, and someone you know and that you are not + friendly with is mixed up with it. I met him accidentally at Kingston, + where there was a dinner-party and he was among the guests. Mrs. Travers + introduced him to me, and he took me in to dinner; and it was very painful + to me—to both of us; but after a time a thought came into my head—Mary, + listen to me, I can't tell you how it all came about—how I found + Constance—without speaking of him. Don't you think it would be + better to tell you everything, from my first chance meeting with him, and + all that was said as well as I can remember it now?” + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow had listened quietly, with averted face, which Fan imagined + must have grown very black; she was silent for some time, and at last + replied: + </p> + <p> + “Fan, I can hardly credit my own senses when you talk in that calm way + about a person who—of course I know who you mean. What are you made + of, I wonder—are you merely a wax figure and not a human being at + all? Once I imagined that you loved me, but now I see what a delusion it + was; only those who can hate are able to love, and you are as incapable of + the one as of the other.” + </p> + <p> + After delivering herself of this protest she half turned her back on her + friend, and for a time there was silence between them, and then Fan spoke. + </p> + <p> + “Mary, you have not yet answered me; am I to tell you about it or not?” + </p> + <p> + “You can tell me what you like; I have no power to prevent you from + speaking. But I give you a fair warning. I know, and it would be useless + to try to hide it, that you have great power over me, and that I could + make any sacrifice, and do anything within reason for you, and be glad to + do it. But if you go too far—if you attempt to work on my feelings + about this—this person, or try to make <i>me</i> think that he is + not—what I think him, I shall simply get up and walk out of the + room.” + </p> + <p> + “You need not have said all that, Mary—I am not trying to work on + your feelings. I simply wanted to tell you what happened, and—how <i>he</i> + came to be mixed up with it.” + </p> + <p> + As the other did not reply, she began her story, and related what had + happened at the Travers' dinner-party faithfully; although she was as + unable now to give a reason for her own strange behaviour as she had been + to answer Captain Horton when he had asked her what she had to say to him. + </p> + <p> + At length she paused. + </p> + <p> + “Have you finished?” said Mary sharply, but the sharpness this time did + not have the true ring. + </p> + <p> + “No. If your name was mentioned, Mary, must I omit that part?—because + I wish to tell you everything just as it happened.” + </p> + <p> + “You can tell me what you like so long as you observe my conditions.” + </p> + <p> + But when the story was all finished she only remarked, although speaking + now without any real or affected asperity: + </p> + <p> + “I am really sorry for your friend Mrs. Chance. I could not wish an enemy + a greater misfortune than to be tied for life to such a one as Merton. + Poor country girl, ignorant of the world—what a terrible mistake she + made!” + </p> + <p> + She was in a much better temper now, willing to discuss the details of the + expedition, to give her friend advice, and help with money if it should be + needed. Fan was surprised and delighted at the change in her, and at last + they parted very pleasantly. + </p> + <p> + “If you can find time before leaving town, Fan, come and say good-bye. I + shall be at home in the afternoon to-morrow and next day, and then you can + tell me all your arrangements.” + </p> + <p> + By the first post on the following morning she received a letter from the + Captain, who had taken a day from the office to look for a place, and had + succeeded in finding a pleasant farm-house, within easy distance of Mile + End and about a mile from Edmonton, as rural a spot in appearance as one + could wish to be in. He had also exceeded his instructions by engaging a + covered van, with easy springs, to convey the invalid to his new home. The + letter contained full particulars, and concluded with an expression of the + sincere pleasure the writer felt at having received this additional proof + of Miss Eden's friendly feelings towards him, and with the hope that the + change of air would benefit his poor old friend Merton Chance. + </p> + <p> + Fan replied at once, asking him to send the van next day at noon to Mile + End. Then she telegraphed to the people of the house to have the rooms + ready for them on the morrow, and also wrote to Constance to inform her of + the arrangements that had been made; and the rest of the day was spent in + preparing for her sojourn in the country. + </p> + <p> + In the evening she went to Dawson Place to see and say good-bye to her + friend. Mary was at home, and glad to see her. + </p> + <p> + “My dear Fan,” she said, embracing the girl, “I have had two or three + callers this evening, and was not at home to them only because I thought + you might turn up, and I wished to have you all to myself for a little + while before you leave. Goodness only knows when we shall meet again!” + </p> + <p> + “Why, Mary, are you thinking of going away for a long time? I hope not.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I don't know what I'm thinking of. Of course it's very disgusting + and unnatural to be in London at this time of the year; but the worst of + the matter is, I had hoped to get you to go somewhere with me. But now + this affair has completely thrown me out. Have you made your + arrangements?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I got the letter I expected this morning, and it explains + everything. You had better read it for yourself.” + </p> + <p> + Mary pushed the letter back with an indignant gesture. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, very well,” returned Fan, not greatly disconcerted. “Then I suppose I + can read it to you, as it tells just what arrangements have been made.” + </p> + <p> + The other frowned but said nothing, and Fan proceeded to read the letter. + Mary made no remark on its contents; but when she went on to speak of + other things, there was no trace of displeasure in her voice. They were + together until about ten o'clock, and then, after taking some refreshment, + Fan rose to go. But the parting was not to be a hurried one; her friend + embraced and clung to her with more than her usual warmth. + </p> + <p> + “Mary dear,” said Fan, bending back her head so as to look into her + friend's face, “you were very angry with me yesterday, but to-day—now + you love me as much as you ever did. Is it not so?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, Fan, I think I love you more to-night than ever. I know I cling to + you more and seem afraid to lose you from my sight. But you must not get + any false ideas into your head.” + </p> + <p> + “To prevent that, Mary, you must tell me why you cling to me to-night?” + </p> + <p> + “Because—Fan, is it necessary that I should tell you something which + I have a dim, vague idea that you already know? Is it known to you, dear + girl, that in all our hearts there are things our lips refuse to speak, + even to those who are nearest and dearest to our souls? Did you feel that, + Fan, when you came to me again, after so long a time, and told me all—<i>all</i> + that had befallen you since our parting?” + </p> + <p> + Fan reddened, but her lips remained closed. + </p> + <p> + “That which my lips refuse to speak you cannot know,” continued Mary; “but + there is another simple reason I can give you. I cling to you because you + are going away to be with people I am not in sympathy with. As far as + giving poor miserable Merton a chance to live, I dare say you are doing + only what is right, but——” + </p> + <p> + Fan stopped her mouth. “You shall say no more, Mary. Long, long ago you + thought that because I and Constance were friends I could not have the + same feeling I had had for you. Oh, what a mistake you made! Nothing, + nothing could ever make you less dear to me. Even if you should break with + me again and refuse to see me—” + </p> + <p> + “And that is what I fear, Fan; I really do fear it, when it is actually in + your heart to get me to forgive things which it would be unnatural and + shameful to forgive. I must warn you again, Fan, if you cannot pluck that + thought out of your heart, if I cannot have you without that man's + existence being constantly brought to my mind, that there will be a fatal + rupture between us, and that it will never be healed.” + </p> + <p> + Fan drew back a little and looked with a strange, questioning gaze into + her friend's face; but Mary, for once, instead of boldly meeting the look, + dropped her eyes and reddened a little. + </p> + <p> + “There will never, never be any rupture, Mary. If you were to shut your + door against me, I would come and sit down on the doorstep, which I once—” + </p> + <p> + “Be quiet!” exclaimed Mary, with sudden passion. “How can you have the + courage to speak of such things! The little consideration! If your memory + of the past is so faithful—so—so <i>unforgetting</i>, I dare + say you can remember only too well that I once—” + </p> + <p> + “You must be quiet now,” said Fan, stopping her friend's mouth with her + hand for the second time, and with a strange little laugh that was half + sob. “I only remember, Mary darling, that I was homeless, hungry, in rags, + and that you took me in, and were friend and sister and mother to me. + Promise, promise that you will never quarrel with me.” + </p> + <p> + “Never, Fan—unless you, with your wild altruism, drive me to it.” + </p> + <p> + Fan went home, wondering all the way what her wild altruism was, ashamed + of her ignorance. She looked in her dictionary, but it was an old cheap + one, and the strange word was not in it. Perhaps Mary had coined it. As to + that she would consult Constance, who knew everything. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0042" id="link2HCH0042"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLII + </h2> + <p> + Miss Starbrow did not leave London after all, but day followed day only to + find her in the same unsettled mind as at first. Having no one else to + quarrel with, she quarrelled with and mocked at herself. “I shall wait + till the heats are over,” she said, “and then stay on to see the end of + the November fogs; then I can go north to winter at Aberdeen or some such + delightful place.” But these late London days, while her mind was in this + unsatisfactory state, studying to deceive itself, had one great pleasure—the + letters which came at intervals of two or three days from her loved + friend. Even to her eyes they looked beautiful. The girl of the period, + when she writes to her friend, usually dips the handle of her sunshade in + a basin of ink, and scrawls characters monstrous in size and form, an + insult to the paper-maker's art and shocking to man's aesthetic feelings. + Now from the first Fan had spontaneously written a small hand, with fine + web-like lines and flourishes, which gave it a very curious and delicate + appearance; for, unlike the sloping prim Italian hand, it was all + irregular, and the longer curves and strokes crossed and recrossed through + words above and beneath, so that, while easy enough to read, at first + sight it looked less like writing than an intricate pattern on the paper, + as if a score of polar gnats had been figure-skating on the surface with + inked skates. To her complaint that she was not clever, not musical, like + other girls, Mary had once said: + </p> + <p> + “Ah, yes; all your cleverness and originality has gone into your + handwriting.” + </p> + <p> + “It is such a comfort, such a pleasure,” said Fan in one of her letters, + “to have you to write to and put Mary—Mary—Mary twenty times + over in a single letter, wondering whether it gives you the same pleasure + to see your name written by me as you often say it is to hear it from my + lips. Do you remember that when I promised to write everything you sneered + and told me not to forget to make the usual mental reservations? That is + the way you always talk to me, Mary; but I make no reservation, I tell you + everything, really and truly—everything I see and hear and think. I + know very well that Constance will never tell me any of her secrets—that + she will never open her heart to anyone, as one friend does to another, + except her husband; so that it was quite safe for me to make you that + promise.” + </p> + <p> + Again she wrote: “For some hidden reason Constance consented very + reluctantly to take Merton out of town, and I feel convinced that it was + not on account of the risk there would be in moving him, nor because they + were too poor to move away from Mile End. There was some other reason, and + I feel pretty sure that if the proposal had come from some other person, + even a stranger, instead of from me, it would not have given the same + feeling. That it should give her pain was a surprise to me, and has + puzzled me a great deal, because I know that Constance loves me as much as + she ever did, and that she would gladly do as much and more for me if it + were in her power at any time. Perhaps she thinks, poor Constance, that + when she and her husband suddenly went away from Netting Hill and left no + address, and never wrote to me again, although she knew that I had no + other friend in London at that time, that she had treated me badly. Once + or twice, since we have been together here, she has mentioned that going + away, so sadly, almost with tears, speaking as if circumstances had + compelled her to act unkindly, but without giving any explanation. I do + not believe, I cannot believe, she left me in that way of her own will; I + can only guess the reason, but shall probably never really know; but I + feel that this has brought a shadow into our friendship, and that while we + are as dear as ever to each other, we both feel that there is something + that keeps us apart.” + </p> + <p> + Another letter spoke more particularly of Merton: “I am sure you would + like to know what I think of him now, after living under the same roof for + the first time, and seeing so much of him every day. I cannot say what I + think of him. As a rule he is out in the garden after eleven o'clock; and + then he sends Constance away. 'You have had enough of me now,' he says, + 'and if I wish to talk, I can talk to Fan—she is a good listener.' + This reminds me of one thing which is a continual vexation to me. He does + not seem to appreciate her properly. He does not believe, I think, that + she has any talent, or, at any rate, anything worthy of being called + talent compared with his own. Just fancy, she is usually up all night, + fearing to sleep lest he should need something; and then when he comes + out, and is made comfortable on the garden-seat, he tells her to go and + have an hour if she likes at her 'idyllic pastimes,' as he calls her + writing; and if he mentions her literary work at all, he speaks of it just + as another person would of a little piece of crochet-work or netting, or + something of that sort. + </p> + <p> + “After she goes in he talks to me, for an hour sometimes, and when it is + over I always feel that I am very little wiser, and what he has said comes + back to me in such an indistinct or disconnected way that it would be + impossible for me to set it down on paper. I do wish, Mary, that you could + come and sit next to me—invisible to him, I mean—and listen + for half an hour, and then tell me what it all means.” + </p> + <p> + Mary laughed. “Tell you, sweet simple child? I wish Fan, that you could + come here and sit down next to me for half an hour and read out a chapter + from <i>Alice in Wonderland</i>, and then tell me what it all means. It + was Sir Isaac Newton, I think, who said of poetry that it was a 'beautiful + kind of nonsense'; at all events, if he did not say it he thought it, + being a scientific man. And that is the best description I can give of + Merton's talk. That's his merit, his one art, which he has cultivated and + is proficient in. He reminds me of those street performers who swallow + match-boxes and tie themselves up with fifty knots and then wriggle out of + the rope, and keep a dozen plates, balls, and knives and forks all flying + about at one time in the air. The mystery is how a woman like his wife—who + is certainly clever, judging from the sketches I have read, and beautiful, + as I have good reason to remember—should have thrown herself away on + such a charlatan. Love is blind, they say, but I never imagined it to be + quite so blind as that!” + </p> + <p> + Here Miss Starbrow suddenly remembered the case of another woman, also + clever and beautiful; and with a scornful glance at her own image in the + glass, she remarked, “Thou fool, first pluck the beam out of thine own + eye!” + </p> + <p> + Then she returned to the letter: “Another thing that seems strange to me + is his cheerfulness, for he is really very bad, and Constance is in great + fear lest his cough should bring on consumption; and it is sometimes so + violent that it frightens me to hear it. Yet he is always so lively and + even gay, and sometimes laughs like a child at the things he says himself; + and I sometimes know from the way Constance receives them that they can't + be very amusing, for I do not often see the point myself. He firmly + believes that he will soon throw his illness off, and that when he is well + he will do great things. The world, he says, knows nothing of its greatest + men, and he will be satisfied to be an obscurity, even a laughing-stock, + for the next thirty or thirty-five years. But when he is old, and has a + beard, like Darwin's, covering his breast and whiter than snow, then his + name will be great on the earth. Then it will be said that of all leaders + of men he is greatest; for whereas others led men into a barren wilderness + without end, to be destroyed therein by dragons and men-eating monsters, + he led them back to that path which they in their blind eager hurry had + missed, and by which alone the Promised Land could be reached. + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps you will think, Mary, from my telling you all this, that I am + beginning to change my mind about him, that I am beginning to think that + there is something more in him than in others, and that it will all come + out some day. But it would be a mistake; what I have always thought I + think still.” + </p> + <p> + “Sensible girl,” said Mary, putting the letter down with a smile. + </p> + <p> + And thus did these two not infallible women, seeing that which appeared on + the surface—empty quick—vanishing froth and iridescent bubbles—pass + judgment on Merton Chance. + </p> + <p> + One afternoon, coming in from a walk, Mary found a letter from Fan on the + hall table, and taking it up was startled to see a superfluous black seal + over the fastening. Guessing the news it contained, she carried it up to + her bedroom before opening it. “It is all over,” the letter ran; “Merton + died this morning, and it was so unexpected, so terribly sudden; and I was + with him at the last moment. How shall I tell you about it? It is anguish + to think of it, and yet think of it I must, and of nothing else; and now + at ten o'clock at night I feel that I cannot rest until I have described + it all to you, and imagined what you will feel and say to-morrow when you + read my letter. + </p> + <p> + “For the last two or three days he had seemed so much better; but this + morning after breakfasting he coughed violently for a long time, and + seemed so shaken after it that we tried to persuade him not to go out. But + he would not be persuaded; and it was such a lovely morning, he said, and + would do him good; and he felt more hopeful and happy than ever—a + sure sign that he had reached the turning-point and was already on the way + to recovery. So we came out, he leaning on our arms, to a garden-seat + under the trees at the end of a walk, quite near to the house. When he had + settled himself comfortably on the seat with some rugs and cushions we had + got with us, he said, 'Now, Connie, you can go back if you like and leave + me to talk to Fan. She is our guardian angel, and will watch over me, and + keep away all ugly phantoms and crawling many-legged things—spiders, + slugs, and caterpillars. And I shall repay her angelic guardianship with + wise, instructive speech.' + </p> + <p> + “'But an angel looks for no instruction—no reward,' said Constance. + </p> + <p> + “'Not so,' he replied. 'An angel is not above being taught even by a + creature of earth. And in Fan there is one thing lacking, angel though she + be, and this I shall point out to her. I can find no mysticism in her: + what she knows she knows, and with the unknowable, which may yet be known, + she concerns herself not. Who shall say of the seed I scatter that it will + not germinate in this fair garden without weeds and tares, and strike root + and blossom at last? For why should she not be a mystic like others?' + </p> + <p> + “Constance laughed and answered, 'Can an angel be a mystic?' + </p> + <p> + “'Yes, certainly,' he said. 'An angel need not necessarily be a mystic, + else Fan were no angel, but even to angels it adds something. It is not + that splendour of virtue and immortality which makes their faces shine + like lightning and gives whiteness to their raiment; but it is the rainbow + tint on their wings, the spiritual melody which they eternally make, which + the old masters symbolised by placing harps and divers strange instruments + in their hands—that melody which faintly rises even from our own + earthly hearts.' + </p> + <p> + “Constance smiled and looked at me—at the white dress I had on—shall + I ever wear white again?—and answered that she had first liked me in + white, and thought it suited me best, and would have to see the rainbow + tints before saying that they would be an improvement. + </p> + <p> + “Then she went back to the house, and from the end of the walk turned + round and gave us a smile, and Merton threw her a kiss. + </p> + <p> + “Then he turned to me and said, 'Fan, do you hear that robin—that + little mystic robin-redbreast? Listen, he will sing again in less than + twenty seconds.' And almost before he had finished speaking, while I was + looking at him, a change came over him, and his face was of the colour of + ashes; and he said, with a kind of moan and so low that I could scarcely + catch the last words, 'Oh, this is cruel, cruel!' And almost at the same + moment there came a rush of blood from his mouth, and he started forward + and would have fallen to the ground had I not caught him and held him in + my arms. I called to Constance, over and over again, but she did not hear + me—no one in the house heard me. Oh, how horrible it was—for I + knew that he was dying—to hear the sounds of the house, voices + talking and the maid singing, and a boy whistling not far off, and to call + and call and not be heard! Then a dreadful faintness came over me, and I + could call no more; I shivered like a leaf and closed my eyes, and my + heart seemed to stand still, and still I held him, his head on my breast—held + him so that he did not fall. Then at last I was able to call again, and + someone must have heard, for in a few moments I saw Constance coming along + the walk running with all her speed, and the others following. But I knew + that he was already dead, for he had grown quite still, and his clenched + hand opened and dropped like a piece of lead on my knee. + </p> + <p> + “After that I only remember that Constance was kneeling before him, + calling out so pitifully, 'Oh, Merton, my darling, what is it? Merton, + Merton, speak to me—speak to me—one word, only one word!' Then + I fainted. When I recovered my senses I was lying on a sofa in the house, + with some of them round me doing what they could for me; and they told me + that they had sent for a doctor, and that Merton was dead. + </p> + <p> + “But how shall I tell you about Constance? I have done nothing but cry all + day, partly from grief, and partly from a kind of nervous terror which + makes me imagine that I am still covered with those red stains, although I + took off all my things, even my shoes and stockings, and made the + servant-girl take them away out of my sight. But she does not shed a tear, + and is so quiet, occupied all the time arranging everything about the + corpse. And there is such a still, desolate look on her face; her eyes + seem to have lost all their sweetness; I am afraid to speak to her—afraid + that if I should attempt to speak one word of comfort she would look at me + almost with hatred. This afternoon I was in the room where they have laid + him, and he looked so different, younger, and his face so much clearer + than it has been looking, that it reminded me of the past and of the first + time I saw him, when he spoke so gently to me at Dawson Place, and asked + me to look up to show my eyes to him. I could not restrain my sobs. And at + last Constance said, 'Fan, if you go on in this way you will make me cry + for very sympathy.' I could not bear it and left the room. It was so + strange for her to say that! Perhaps I am wrong to think it, but I almost + believe from her tone and expression that all her love for me has turned + to bitterness because I, and not she, was with him at the end, and heard + his last word, and held him in my arms when he died. + </p> + <p> + “She has refused to sleep in my room, and now that the whole house is + quiet I am almost terrified at being alone, and to think that I must spend + the night by myself. I know that if I sleep I shall start up from some + dreadful dream, that I shall feel something on my hands, after so many + washings, and shall think of that last look on his ashen face, and his + last bitter words when he knew that the end had so suddenly come to him. I + wish, I wish, Mary, that I had you with me to-night, that I could rest + with your arms about me, to gain strength with your strength, for you are + so strong and brave, I so weak and cowardly. But I am alone in my room, + and can only try to persuade myself that you are thinking of me, that when + you sleep you will be with me in your dreams.” + </p> + <p> + Having finished reading the letter, Mary covered her eyes with her hand + and cried to herself quietly for a while. Cried for despised Merton + Chance; and remembered, no longer with mocking laughter, some fragments of + the “beautiful nonsense” which he had spoken to her in bygone days. For in + that bright sunshine of the late summer, among the garden trees, the Black + Angel had come without warning to him, and with one swift stroke of his + weapon had laid him, with all his dreams and delusions, in the dust; and + its tragic ending had given a new dignity, a touch of mournful glory, and + something of mystery, to the vain and wasted life. + </p> + <p> + After a while, drying her eyes, she rose and went out again, and in + Westbourne Grove ordered a wreath for Merton's coffin, and instructed the + florist to send it on the following day to the house of mourning. + </p> + <p> + That mention of her first meeting with Merton in the girl's letter had + brought up the past very vividly to Mary's mind; at night, after partially + undressing, as she sat combing out her dark hair before the glass, she + thought of the old days when Fan had combed it for her, and of her strange + mixed feelings, when she had loved the poor girl she had rescued from + misery, and had studied to hide the feeling, being ashamed of it, and at + the same time had scorned herself for feeling shame—for being not + different from others in spite of her better instincts and affected + independence of a social code meant for meaner slavish natures. How well + she remembered that evening when Merton had amused her with his pretty + paradoxes about women not being reasonable beings, and had come back later + to make her an offer of marriage; and how before going to bed she had + looked at herself in the glass, proud of her beauty and strength and + independence, and had laughed scornfully and said that to no Merton Chance + would she give her hand; but that to one who, although stained with vice, + had strength of character, and loved her with a true and not a sham love, + she might one day give it. And thus thinking the blood rushed to her face + and dyed it red; even her neck, shoulders, and bosom changed from ivory + white to bright rose, and she turned away, startled and ashamed at seeing + her own shame so vividly imaged before her. And moving to the bedside, + while all that rich colour faded away, she dropped languidly into a chair, + and throwing her white arms over the coverlid, laid her cheek on them with + a strange self-abandonment, “Do you call me strong and brave, Fan?” she + murmured sadly. “Ah, poor child, what a mistake! I am the weak and + cowardly one, since I dare not tell you this shameful secret, and ask you + to save me. Oh, how falsely I put it to you when I said that there are + things in every heart which cannot be told, even to the nearest and + dearest! when I hinted to you that you had not told me <i>all</i> the + story of your acquaintance with Arthur Eden. That which you kept back was + his secret as well as yours. This is mine, only mine, and I have no + courage to tell you that you are only working my ruin—that the heart + you are trying to soften has no healthy hardness in it. I shall never tell + you. Only to one being in the whole world could I tell it—to my + brother Tom. But to think of him is futile; for I shall keep my word, and + never address him again unless he first begs my forgiveness for insulting + me at Ravenna, when he called me a demon. Never, never, and he will not do + that, and there is no hope of help from him. You shall know the result of + your work one day, Fan, and how placable this heart is. And it will + perhaps grieve you when you know that your own words, your own action, + gave me back this sickness of the soul—this old disease which had + still some living rootlet left in me when I thought myself well and safe + at last. How glad I shall be to see you again, Fan! And you will not know + that under that open healthy gladness there will be another gladness, + secret and base. That I shall eagerly listen again to hear the name my + false lips forbade you to speak—to hear it spoken with some sweet + word of praise. And in a little while I shall sink lower, and be glad to + remember that my courage was so small; and lower still, and give, + reluctantly and with many protests, the forgiveness which will prove to + you—poor innocent child!—that I have a very noble spirit in + me. How sweet it is to think of it, and how I loathe myself for the + thought! And I know what the end will be. I shall gain my desire, but my + gain will be small and my loss too great to be measured. And then farewell + to you, Fan, for ever; for I shall never have the courage to look into + your eyes again, and the pure soul that is in them. I shall be a coward + still. Just as all that is weak and unworthy in me makes me a coward now, + so whatever there is that is good in me will make me a coward then.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0043" id="link2HCH0043"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLIII + </h2> + <p> + A couple of days after the funeral Fan, accompanied by her friend, + returned to London, and the rooms she had occupied in Quebec Street. + Fortunately for her young lodger's peace of mind, now less inclined for + delicate feeding than ever, Mrs. Fay had gone off on her annual holiday. + Not that her health required change of air, nor because she took any + delight in the sublime and beautiful as seen in the ocean and nature + generally, but because it was a great pleasure to her to taste of many + strange dishes, and criticise mentally and gloat over the abominable + messes which other lodging—and boarding-house keepers are accustomed + to put before their unhappy guests. And as the woman left in charge of the + establishment knew not Francatelli, and never rose above the rude + simplicity of “plain” cookery—depressing word!—and was only + too glad when nothing was required beyond the homely familiar chop, with a + vegetable spoiled in the usual way, dinner at Quebec Street, if no longer + a pleasure, was not a burden. + </p> + <p> + That strange quietude, tearless and repellent, concerning which Fan had + spoken in her letter, still had possession of Constance. But it was not + the quietude experienced by the overwrought spirit when the struggle is + over, and the reaction comes—the healing apathy which nature + sometimes gives to the afflicted. It was not that, nor anything like it. + The struggle had been prolonged and severe; he was gone in whom all her + hopes and affections had been centred, and life seemed colourless without + him; but she knew that it would not always be so, that the time would come + when she would again take pleasure in her work, when the applause of other + lips than those now cold would seem sweet to her. The quietude was only on + the surface; under it smouldered a sullen fire of rebellion and animosity + against God and man, because Merton had perished and had not lived to + justify his existence; and if the thought ever entered her soul—and + how often it was there to torture her!—that the world had judged him + rightly and she falsely, it only served to increase her secret bitterness. + </p> + <p> + When spoken to by those around her, she would converse, unsmilingly, + neither sad nor cheerful, with but slight interest in the subject started; + it was plain to see that she preferred to be left alone, even by her two + dearest friends, Fan and the curate, who had attended the funeral and had + come afterwards two or three times to see her. After a few days Fan had + proposed moving to town, and Constance had at once consented. In her + present frame of mind the solitude of London seemed preferable to that of + the country. For two or three days Fan almost feared that the move had + been a mistake; for now Constance spent more time than ever in silence and + seclusion, never going out of the house, and remaining most of the time in + her own room. Even when they were together she would sit silent and + apathetic unless forced to talk; and the effect was that Fan grew more and + more reluctant to address her, although her heart was overcharged with its + unexpressed love and sympathy. Only once, a few days after their return to + town, did Constance give way to her poignant feelings, and that was on the + occasion of a visit from Mr. Northcott to their rooms. She saw him + reluctantly, and was strangely cold and irresponsive in her manner, and as + it quickly discouraged him when his kindly efforts met with no + appreciation, the conversation they had was soon over. When taking his + leave he spoke a few kind sympathetic words to her, to which she made no + reply, but her hand trembled in his, and she averted her face. Not that + she had tears to hide; on the contrary, it seemed to Fan, who was watching + her face, that the rising colour and brightening eyes expressed something + like resentment at the words he had spoken. When he had gone she remained + standing in the middle of the room, but presently glancing up and + encountering her friend's eyes fixed wonderingly on her face, she turned + away, and dropping into a chair burst into a passion of tears. + </p> + <p> + Fan moved to her side. “Dear Constance,” she said, putting a hand on the + other's shoulder, “it is better to cry than to be as you have been all + these days.” + </p> + <p> + But Constance, mastering her sobs with a great effort, rose to her feet + and put her friend's hand aside. + </p> + <p> + “Do you think tears are a relief to me?” she said with bitterness. “You + are mistaken. They are caused by his words—his pretended grief and + sympathy with me for what he calls my great loss. But; I know that he + never understood and never appreciated my husband—I know that in his + heart of hearts he thinks, as <i>you</i> think, Fan, that my loss is a + gain. I understood him as you and Harold never could. You knew only his + weakness, which he would have outgrown, not the hidden strength behind it. + I know what I have lost, and prefer to be left alone, and to hear no + condolences from anyone.” Then, bursting into tears again, she left the + room. + </p> + <p> + This was unspeakably painful to Fan—chiefly because the words + Constance had spoken were true. They were cruel words to come from her + friend's lips, but she considered that they had been spoken hastily, in a + sudden passion of grief, and she felt no resentment, and only hoped that + in time kindlier feelings would prevail. Her manner lost nothing of its + loving gentleness, but she no longer tried to persuade Constance to go out + with her; it was best, she thought, to obey her wish and leave her alone. + She herself, loving exercise, and taking an inexhaustible delight in the + life and movement of the streets, spent more time than ever out of doors. + Her walks almost invariably ended in Hyde Park, where she would sit and + rest for half an hour under the grateful shade of the elms and limes; and + then, coming out into the Bayswater Road, she would stand irresolute, or + walk on for a little distance into Oxford Street, with downcast eyes and + with slower and slower steps. For at home there would be Constance, + sitting solitary in her room and indisposed for any communion except that + with her own sorrow-burdened heart; while on the other hand, within a few + minutes' drive, there was Dawson Place—bright with flowers and + pleasant memories—and above all, Mary, who was always glad to see + her, and would perhaps be wishing for her and expecting her even now. And + while considering, hesitating, the welcome tingling “Keb!” uttered sharp + and clear like the cry of some wild animal, would startle her. For that + principal league-long thoroughfare of London is “always peopled with a + great multitude of”—no, not “vanities,” certainly not! but loitering + hansoms, and cabby's sharp eye is quick to spot a person hesitating where + to go (and able to pay for a ride), as the trained rapacious eye of the + hawk is to spy out a wounded or sickly bird. Then the swift wheels would + be drawn up in tempting proximity to the kerb, and after a moment's + hesitation Fan would say “Dawson Place,” and step inside, and in less than + twenty minutes she would be in her friend's arms. + </p> + <p> + These flying improvised visits to her friend were very dear to her, and + always ended with the promise given to repeat the visit very soon—“perhaps + to-morrow”; then she would hurry home, feeling a little guilty at her own + happiness while poor Constance was so lonely and so unhappy. + </p> + <p> + But one day there seemed to be a change for the better. Constance talked + with Fan, for some time, asking questions about Miss Starbrow, of the + books she had been reading, and showing a return of interest in life. When + she was about to leave the room Fan came to her side and put an arm round + her neck. + </p> + <p> + “Constance,” she said, “I have been waiting anxiously to ask you when you + are going to begin your sketches again? I think—I'm sure it would be + good for you if you could write a little every day.” + </p> + <p> + Constance cast down her eyes and reflected for a few moments. + </p> + <p> + “I could never take that up again,” she said. + </p> + <p> + “I am so sorry,” was all that Fan could say in reply, and then the other + without more words left her. + </p> + <p> + But in the evening she returned to the subject of her own accord. + </p> + <p> + “Fan, dear,” she said, “I must ask your forgiveness for the way I have + acted towards you since we have been here together. It would not have been + strange if you had resented it—if you had judged me ungrateful. But + you never changed; your patience was so great. And now that he has gone + you are more to me than ever. Not only because you have acted towards me + like a very dear sister, but also because you did that for him which I was + powerless to do. Your taking us away out of that hot place made his last + days easier and more peaceful. And you were with him at the last, Fan. Now + I can speak of that—I <i>must</i> speak of it! Death seemed cruel to + him, coming thus suddenly, when hope was so strong and the earth looked so + bright. And how cruel it has seemed to me—the chance that took me + from his side when that terrible moment was so near! How cruel that his + dying eyes should not have looked on me, that he should not have felt my + arms sustaining him! So hard has this seemed to me that I have thought + little about you—of the agony of pain and suspense you suffered, of + the strength and courage which enabled you to sustain him and yourself + until it was all over.” + </p> + <p> + She was crying now, and ceased speaking. She had not told, nor would she + ever tell, the chief cause of the bitterness she felt at the circumstances + attending her husband's death. It was because Fan, and no other, had been + with him, sustaining him—Fan, who had always been depreciated by + him, and treated so hardly at the last; for she could not remember that he + had treated any other human creature with so little justice. It had been + hard to endure when the girl they had left, hiding themselves from her, + ashamed to know her, had found them in their depressed and suffering + condition, only to heap coals of fire on their heads. Hard to endure that + her husband seemed to have forgotten everything, and readily took every + good thing from her hands, as if it had been only his due. But that final + scene among the garden trees had seemed to her less like chance than the + deliberately-planned action of some unseen power, that had followed them + in all their wanderings, and had led the meek spirit they had despised to + their hiding-place, to give it at last a full and perfect, yea, an angelic + revenge. + </p> + <p> + After a while, drying her eyes, she resumed: + </p> + <p> + “But I particularly wish to speak about what you said this morning. I + could not possibly go back to those East-End sketches of life—even + the name of the paper I wrote them for is so painfully associated in my + mind with all that Merton and I went through. I was struggling so hard—oh, + so hard to keep our heads above water, and seemed to be succeeding. I was + so hopeful that better days were in store for us, and the end seemed to + come so suddenly ... and my striving had been in vain ... and the fight + was lost. I know that I must rouse myself, that I have to work for a + living, only just now I seem to have lost all desire to do anything, all + energy. But I know, Fan, that this will not last. Grief for the dead does + not endure long—never long enough. I must work, and there is nothing + I shall ever care to do for a living except literary work. I have felt and + shall feel again that a garret for shelter and dry bread for food would be + dearer to me earned in that way than every comfort and luxury got by any + other means. During the last day or two, while I have been sitting by + myself, an idea has slowly been taking shape in my mind, which will make a + fairly good story, I think, if properly worked out. But that will take + time, and just now I could not put pen to paper, even to save myself from + starving. For a little longer, dear, I must be contented to live on your + charity.” + </p> + <p> + “My charity, Constance! It was better a little while ago when you said + that I had been like a very dear sister to you. But now you make me think + that you did not mean that, that there is some bitterness in your heart + because you have accepted anything at my hands.” + </p> + <p> + “Darling, don't make that mistake. The word was not well-chosen. Let me + say your love, Fan—the love which has fed and sheltered my body, and + has done so much to sustain my soul.” + </p> + <p> + And once more they kissed and were reconciled. From that day the + improvement for which Fan had been waiting began to show itself. Constance + no longer seemed strange and unlike her former self; and she no longer + refused to go out for a walk every day. But she would not allow her walks + with Fan to interfere with the latter's visits to Miss Starbrow. “She must + be more to you than I can ever be,” she would insist. “Well, dear, she + cannot be <i>less</i>, and while she and you are in town it is only + natural that you should be glad to see each other every day.” And so after + a walk in the morning she would persuade Fan to go later in the day to + Dawson Place. + </p> + <p> + One evening as they sat together talking before going to bed, Fan asked + her friend if she had written to inform Mrs. Churton of Merton's death. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” replied Constance. “A few days after his death I wrote to mother; + it was a short letter, and the first I have sent since I wrote to tell her + that I was married. She replied, also very briefly, and coldly I think. + She expressed the hope that my husband had left some provision for me, so + that she knows nothing about how I am situated.” + </p> + <p> + After a while she spoke again. + </p> + <p> + “How strange that you should have asked me this to-night, Fan! All day I + have been thinking of home, and had made up my mind to say something to + you about it—something I wish to do, but I had not yet found courage + to speak.” + </p> + <p> + “Tell me now, Constance.” + </p> + <p> + “I think I ought to write again and tell mother just how I am left, and + ask her to let me go home for a few weeks or months. I have no wish to go + and stay there permanently; but just now I think it would be best to go to + her—that is, if she will have me. I think the quiet of the country + would suit me, and that I might be able to start my writing there. And, + Fan—you must not take offence at this—I do not think it would + be right to live on here entirely at your expense. But if I should find it + impossible to remain any time at home, perhaps I shall be glad to ask you + to shelter me again on my return to town.” + </p> + <p> + She looked into Fan's eyes, but her apprehensions proved quite groundless. + </p> + <p> + “I am so glad you have thought of your home just now,” Fan replied. + “Perhaps after all you have gone through it will be different with your + mother. But, Constance, may I go with you?” + </p> + <p> + “With me! And leave Miss Starbrow?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I must leave her for a little while. I was going to ask you to go + with me to the seaside for a few weeks, but it will be so much better at + Eyethorne. Perhaps Mrs. Churton still feels a little offended with me, but + I hope she will not refuse to let me go with you—if you will + consent, I mean.” + </p> + <p> + “There is nothing that would please me better. I shall write at once and + ask her to receive us both, Fan.” + </p> + <p> + “If you will, Constance; but I must also write and ask her for myself. I + cannot go to live on them, knowing that they are poor, and I must ask her + to let me pay her a weekly sum.” + </p> + <p> + Constance reflected a little before answering. + </p> + <p> + “Do you mind telling me, Fan, what you are going to offer to pay? You must + know that I can only go as my mother's guest, that if you accompany me you + must not pay more than for one.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I know that. I think that if I ask her to take me for about two + guineas a week it will be very moderate. It costs me so much more now in + London. And the money I am spending besides in cabs and finery—I am + afraid, Constance, that I am degenerating because I have this money, and + that I am forgetting how many poor people are in actual want.” + </p> + <p> + The result of this conversation was that the two letters were written and + sent off the following day. + </p> + <p> + In the afternoon Fan went to Dawson Place, and Mary received her gladly, + but had no sooner heard of the projected visit to Wiltshire than a change + came. + </p> + <p> + “You knew very well,” she said, “that I wanted you to go with me to the + seaside, or somewhere; and now that Mrs. Chance is going home you might + have given a little of your time to me. But of course I was foolish to + imagine that you would leave your friend for my society.” + </p> + <p> + “I can't very well leave her now, Mary—I scarcely think it would be + right.” + </p> + <p> + “Of course it wouldn't, since you prefer to be with her,” interrupted the + other. “I am never afraid to say that I do a thing because it pleases me, + but you must call it duty, or by some other fine name.” + </p> + <p> + She got up and moved indignantly about the room, pushing a chair out of + her way. + </p> + <p> + “I'm sorry you take it in that way,” said Fan. “I was going to ask you to + do something to please me, but after what you said have—” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, that needn't deter you,” said Mary, tossing her head, but evidently + interested. “If it would be pleasing to you I would of course do it. I + mean if it would be pleasing to <i>me</i> as well. I am not quite so crazy + as to do things for which I have no inclination solely to please some + other person.” + </p> + <p> + “Not even to please me—when we are such dear friends?” + </p> + <p> + “Certainly not, since our friendship is to be such a one-sided affair. If + I had any reason to suppose that you really cared as much for me as you + say, then everything that pleased you would please me, and I should not + mind putting myself out in any way to serve you. Before I promise anything + I must know what you want.” + </p> + <p> + “Before I tell you, Mary, let me explain why I wish to go to Eyethorne. + You know how Constance has been left, and that she is my guest. Well, I + had meant to take her with me to the seaside for a few weeks when she said + this about going home. It is the best thing she could do, but you know + from what I have told you before that she cannot count on much sympathy + from her parents, that she will perhaps be worse off under their roof than + if she were to go among strangers. If all she has gone through since her + marriage should have no effect in softening Mrs. Churton towards her, then + her home will be a very sad place, and it is for this reason I wish to + accompany her, for it may be that she will want a friend to help her. + Don't you think I am right, Mary?” + </p> + <p> + “You must not ask me,” said the other. “I shall not interfere with + anything that concerns Mrs. Chance. She is your friend and not mine, and I + would prefer not to hear anything about her. And now you can go on to the + other matter.” + </p> + <p> + “I can't very well do that, since it concerns Constance, and you forbid me + to speak of her.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, it concerns Constance!” exclaimed Mary, and half averting her face to + conceal the disappointment she felt. “Then I'm pretty sure that I shall + not be able to please you, Fan. But you may say what you like.” + </p> + <p> + Fan moved near to her—near enough to put her hand on the other's + arm. + </p> + <p> + “Mary, it seems very strange and unnatural that you two—you and + Constance—should be dear to me, and that you should not also know + and love each other.” + </p> + <p> + “You are wasting your words, Fan. I shall never know her, and we should + not love each other. I have seen her once, and have no wish to see her + again. Oil and vinegar will not mix.” + </p> + <p> + “It is not a question of oil and vinegar, Mary, but of two women—” + </p> + <p> + “So much the worse—I hate women.” + </p> + <p> + “Two women, both beautiful, both clever, and yet so different! Which do + you think sweetest and most beautiful—rose or stephanotis?” + </p> + <p> + “Don't be a silly flatterer, Fan. <i>She</i> is beautiful, I know, because + I saw her; and I was not mistaken when I knew that her beauty would + enslave you.” + </p> + <p> + “She <i>was</i> beautiful, Mary, and I hope that she will be so again. Now + she is only a wreck of the Constance you saw at Eyethorne. But more + beautiful than you she never was, Mary.” + </p> + <p> + “Flattery, flattery, flattery!” + </p> + <p> + “Which of those two flowers are you like, and which is she like? Let me + tell you what <i>I</i> think. You are most like the rose, Mary—that + is to me the sweetest and most beautiful of all flowers.” + </p> + <p> + Mary turned away, shaking the caressing hand off with a gesture of scorn. + </p> + <p> + “And I, Mary, between two such flowers, what am I?” continued Fan. + “Someone once called me a flower, but he must have been thinking of some + poor scentless thing—a daisy, perhaps.” + </p> + <p> + “Say a heart's-ease, Fan,” said Mary, turning round again to her friend + with a little laugh. + </p> + <p> + “But I haven't finished yet. Both so proud and high-spirited, and yet with + such loving, tender hearts.” + </p> + <p> + “That is the most arrant nonsense, Fan. You must be a goose, or what is + almost as bad, a hypocrite, to say that I have any love or tenderness in + me. I confess that I did once have a little affection for you, but that is + pretty well over now.” + </p> + <p> + Fan laughed incredulously, and put her arms round her friend's neck. + </p> + <p> + “No,” said the other resolutely, “you are not going to wheedle me in that + way. I hate all women, I think, but especially those that have any + resemblance to me in character.” + </p> + <p> + “She is your exact opposite in everything,” said Fan boldly. “Darling + Mary, say that you will see her just to please me. And if you can't like + her then, you needn't see her a second time.” + </p> + <p> + Mary wavered, and at length said: + </p> + <p> + “You can call with her, if you like, Fan.” + </p> + <p> + “No, Mary, I couldn't do that. You are both proud, but you are rich and + she is poor—too poor to dress well, but too proud to take a dress as + a present from me.” + </p> + <p> + “Then, Fan, I shall make no promise at all. I am not going out of my way + to cultivate the acquaintance of a person I care nothing about and do not + wish to know merely to afford you a passing pleasure.” After a while she + added, “At the same time it is just possible that some day, if the fancy + takes me, I may call at your rooms. If I happen to be in that + neighbourhood, I mean. If I should not find you in so much the better, but + you will not be able to say that I refused to do what you asked. And now + let's talk of something else.” + </p> + <p> + The words had not sounded very gracious, but Fan was well satisfied, and + looked on her object as already gained. The discovery which she made, that + she had a great deal of power over Mary, had moreover given her a strange + happiness, exhilarating her like wine. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0044" id="link2HCH0044"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLIV + </h2> + <p> + For the next two days Fan was continually on the tiptoe of expectation, + shortening her walks for fear of missing Mary, and not going to Dawson + Place, and still her friend came not. On the third day she came about + three o'clock in the afternoon, when Fan by chance happened to be out. + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow, on hearing at the door that Miss Eden was not at home, + considered for a few moments, and then sent up her card to Constance, who + was greatly surprised to see it, for Fan had said nothing to make her + expect such a visit. She concluded that it was for Fan, and that Miss + Starbrow wished to wait or leave some message for her. In the sitting-room + they met, Constance slightly nervous and looking pale in her mourning, and + regarded each other with no little curiosity. + </p> + <p> + “I am sorry Fan is out,” said Constance, “but if you do not mind waiting + for her she will perhaps come in soon.” + </p> + <p> + “I shall be glad to see her—she has forsaken me for the last few + days. But I called to-day to see you, Mrs. Chance.” + </p> + <p> + Constance looked surprised. “Thank you, Miss Starbrow, it is very kind of + you,” she answered quietly. + </p> + <p> + There was a slight shadow on the other's face; she had come only to please + Fan, and was not at ease with this woman, who was a stranger to her, and + perhaps resented her visit. Then she remembered that Constance had become + acquainted with Merton Chance only through Fan's having seen him once at + her house, reflecting with a feeling of mingled wonder and compassion that + through so trivial a circumstance this poor girl's life had been so darkly + clouded. They had sat for some moments in silence when Miss Starbrow, with + a softened look in her eyes and in a gentler tone, spoke again. + </p> + <p> + “We have met only once before,” she said, “and that is a long time ago, + but I have heard so much of you from Fan that I cannot think of you as a + stranger, and the change I see in you reminds me strongly of all you have + suffered since.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I suppose I must seem greatly changed,” returned the other, not + speaking so coldly as at first. Then, with a searching glance at her + visitor's face, she added, “You knew my husband before I did, Miss + Starbrow.” + </p> + <p> + Ever since her marriage she had been haunted with the thought that there + had been something more than a mere acquaintance between Merton and this + lady. Her husband himself had given her that suspicion by the disparaging + way he had invariably spoken of her, and his desire to know everything + that Fan had said about her. That Fan had never told her anything was no + proof that there was nothing to tell, since the girl was strangely close + about some things. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” returned Miss Starbrow, noting and perhaps rightly interpreting the + other's look. “He used occasionally to come to my house on Wednesday + evenings. I never saw him except at these little gatherings, but I liked + him very much and admired his talents. I was deeply shocked to hear of his + death.” + </p> + <p> + Constance dropped her eyes, which had grown slightly dim. “Your words + sound sincere,” she returned. + </p> + <p> + “That is a strange thing to say, I think,” returned Miss Starbrow quickly. + “It is not my custom to be insincere.” And then her sincerity almost + compelled her to add, “But about your late husband I have said too much.” + For that was what she felt, and it vexed her soul to have to utter polite + falsehoods. + </p> + <p> + “I fear I did not express myself well,” apologised Constance. “But I have + grown a little morbid, perhaps, through knowing that the few friends I + have, who knew my husband, had formed a somewhat disparaging and greatly + mistaken opinion of him. I am sorry they knew him so little; but it is + perhaps natural for us to think little of any man until he succeeds. What + I meant to say was that your words did not sound as if they came only from + your lips.” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps you are a little morbid, Mrs. Chance—forgive me for saying + it. For after all what does it matter what people say or think about any + of us? I dare say that if your husband had by chance invented a new + button-hook or something, and had been paid fifty thousand pounds for the + patent, or if someone had died and left him a fortune, people would have + seen all the good that was in him and more.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I suppose so. And yet it seems a cynical view to take. I should like + to believe that it is not necessary to be wealthy, or famous, or + distinguished in any way above my fellows, in order to win hearts—to + make others know me as I know myself.” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps the view I took was cynical, Mrs. Chance. At all events, without + being either wealthy or famous, you have won at least one friend who seems + to know you well, and loves you with her whole heart.” + </p> + <p> + Again Constance looked searchingly at her, remembering that old jealousy + of her visitor, and not quite sure that the words had not been spoken + merely to draw her out. And Mary guessed her thought and frowned again. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” quickly returned Constance, casting her suspicion away, “I have in + Fan a friend indeed. A sweeter, more candid and loving spirit it would be + impossible to find on earth. Not only does she greatly love, but there is + also in her a rare faculty of inspiring love in those she encounters.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I know that,” said Mary, thinking how much better she knew it than + the other, and of the two distinct kinds of love it had been Fan's fortune + to inspire. + </p> + <p> + “I blame myself greatly for having kept away from her for so long,” + continued Constance. “But she is very tenacious. It has sometimes seemed + strange to me that one so impressionable and clinging as she is should be + so unchangeable in her affections.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I think she is that.” + </p> + <p> + “You have reason to think it, Miss Starbrow. You have, and always have + had, the first place in her heart, and her feelings towards you have never + changed in the least from the first.” + </p> + <p> + “You wish to remind me that <i>my</i> feelings have changed, and that more + than once,” returned the other, with some slight asperity. + </p> + <p> + “No, please do not imagine that, Miss Starbrow. But it is well that you + should know from me, since Fan will probably never tell it, that when that + letter from you came to her at Eyethorne, the only anger she displayed was + at hearing unkind words spoken of you.” + </p> + <p> + “But who spoke unkind words of me?” + </p> + <p> + “I did.” + </p> + <p> + “You are certainly frank, Mrs. Chance.” + </p> + <p> + “Am I too frank? I could not help telling you this; now that we have met + again my conscience would not let me keep silence. I spoke then hastily, + angrily, and, I am glad now to be able to confess, unjustly.” + </p> + <p> + “That I cannot say, but I like you all the better for your frankness, and + I hope that you will let me be your friend.” + </p> + <p> + Constance turned her face, smiling and flushed with pleasure at the words; + their eyes met, then their hands. + </p> + <p> + When Fan returned shortly afterwards she found them sitting side by side + on the sofa, conversing like old and intimate friends, and it was a happy + moment to her, as her heart had been long set on bringing them together. + But she had little time to taste this new happiness; hardly had she kissed + Mary and expressed her pleasure at seeing her, when the servant came up + with a visitor's card, and the visitor himself quickly followed, and + almost before Fan had read the name, Captain Horton was in the room. + Constance, as it happened, knew nothing about him except that he was a + friend of Fan's, whom he had met formerly at Miss Starbrow's house, but + his sudden unexpected entrance had an almost paralysing effect on the + other two. Fan advanced to meet him, but pale and agitated, and then Mary + also rose from her seat, her face becoming livid, and seizing Fan by the + arm drew her back; while the visitor, the smile with which he had entered + gone from his face, stood still in the middle of the room, his eyes fixed + on the white angry countenance before him. + </p> + <p> + For days past, ever since Fan's return to London after Merton's funeral, + Mary had been impatiently waiting to hear this man's name spoken again—to + hear Fan say favourable things of him, and plead for pardon; and because + the wished words had not been spoken, she had felt secretly unhappy, and + even vexed, with the girl for her silence. Again and again it had been on + her lips to ask, “How are you getting on with that charming new friend of + yours?” but for very shame she had held her peace. And now that the thing + she had wished had come to her—that the man she had secretly pined + to see was in her presence—all that softness she had lamented, or + had pretended to herself to lament, was gone in one moment. For her first + thought was that his coming at that moment had been prearranged, that Fan + had planned to bring about the reconciliation in her own way; and that was + more than she could stand. In time the reconciliation would have come, but + as she would have it, slowly, little by little, and her forgiveness would + be given reluctantly, not forced from her as it were by violence. Now she + could only remember the treatment she had received at his hands—the + insult, the outrage, and his audacity in thus coming on her by surprise + stung and roused all the virago in her. + </p> + <p> + “Fan, I see it all now,” she exclaimed, her voice ringing clear and + incisive. “I see through the hypocritical reason you had for asking me to + come here. But you will gain nothing by this mean trick to bring me and + that man together. It was a plot between you two, and the result will be a + breach between us, and nothing more.” + </p> + <p> + Constance had also risen now, and was regarding them with undisguised + astonishment. + </p> + <p> + “A plot, Mary! Oh, what a mistake you are making! I have not seen Captain + Horton for weeks, and had no idea that he meant to call on me here. Your + visit was also unexpected, Mary, and it surprised me when I came in and + found you here a few minutes ago.” + </p> + <p> + “Then I have made a mistake—I have done you an injustice and must + ask your forgiveness. But you know, Fan, what I feel about Captain Horton, + and that it is impossible for me to remain for a moment under the same + roof with him, and you and Mrs. Chance must not think it strange if I + leave you now.” + </p> + <p> + “No, Miss Starbrow, you shall not cut your visit short on my account,” + said the Captain, speaking for the first time and very quietly. “I did not + expect you here, and if my presence in the room for a few moments would be + so obnoxious to you I shall of course go away.” + </p> + <p> + “I am so sorry it has happened,” said Fan. + </p> + <p> + But Miss Starbrow was not willing to let him depart before giving him + another taste of her resentment. “Did you imagine, sir, that your presence + could be anything but obnoxious to me?” she retorted. “Did you think I had + forgotten?” + </p> + <p> + “No, not that,” he replied. + </p> + <p> + “What then?” came the quick answer, the sharp tone cutting the senses like + a lash. + </p> + <p> + He hesitated, glancing at her with troubled eyes, and then replied—“I + thought, Miss Starbrow, that when you heard that I was trying to live down + the past—trying very hard and not unsuccessfully as I imagined—it + would have made some difference in your feelings towards me. To win your + forgiveness for the wrong I did you has been the one motive I have had for + all my strivings since I last saw you. That has been the goal I have had + before me—that only. Latterly I have hoped that Miss Eden, who had + as much reason to regard me with enmity as yourself, would be my + intercessor with you. By a most unhappy chance we have met too soon, and I + regret it, I cannot say how much; for you make the task I have set myself + seem so much harder than before that I almost despair.” + </p> + <p> + She made no reply, but after one keen glance at his face turned aside, and + stood waiting impatiently, it seemed, for him to go. + </p> + <p> + He then expressed his regrets to Fan for having come without first writing + to ask her permission, and after shaking hands with her and bowing to + Constance, turned away. As he moved across the floor Fan kept her eye + fixed on Mary's face, and seemed at last about to make an appeal to her, + when Constance, standing by her side, and also observing Mary, touched her + hand to restrain her. + </p> + <p> + “Captain Horton,” spoke Mary, and he at once turned back from the door and + faced her. “You have come here to see Miss Eden, and I do not wish to + drive you away before you have spoken to her. I suppose we can sit in the + same room for a few minutes longer.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you,” he replied, and coming back took a seat at Fan's side. + </p> + <p> + Mary on her part returned to the sofa and attempted to renew her + interrupted conversation with Constance. It was, however, a most + uncomfortable quartette, for Captain Horton gave only half his attention + to Fan, and seemed anxious not to lose any of Mary's low-spoken words; + while Mary on her side listened as much or more to the other two as to + Constance. In a few minutes the visitor rose to go, and after shaking + hands a second time with Fan, turned towards the other ladies and included + them both in a bow, when Constance stood up and held out her hand to him. + As he advanced to her Mary also rose to her feet, as if anxious to keep + the hem of her dress out of his way, and stood with averted face. From + Constance, after he had shaken hands with her, he glanced at the other's + face, still averted, which had grown so strangely white and still, and for + a moment longer hesitated. Then the face turned to him, and their eyes + met, each trying as it were to fathom the other's thought, and Mary's lips + quivered, and putting out her hand she spoke with trembling voice—“Captain + Horton—Jack—for Fan's sake—I forgive you.” + </p> + <p> + “God bless you for that, Mary,” he said in a low voice, taking her hand + and bending lower and lower until his lips touched her fingers. Next + moment he was gone from the room. + </p> + <p> + Mary dropped back on to the sofa, and covered her eyes with her hand: then + Constance, seeing Fan approaching her, left the room. + </p> + <p> + “Dear Mary, I am so glad,” said the girl, putting her hand on the other's + shoulder. + </p> + <p> + But Mary started as if stung, and shook the hand off. “I don't want your + caresses,” she said, after hastily glancing round the room to make sure + that Constance was not in it. “I am not glad, I can assure you. I was + wrong to say that you had plotted to get me to meet him; it was not the + literal truth, but I had good grounds to think it. All that has happened + has been through your machinations. I should have gone on hating him + always if you had not worked on my feelings in that way. <i>You</i> have + made me forgive that man, and I almost hate you for it. If the result + should be something you little expect—if it brings an end to our + friendship—you will only have yourself to thank for it.” + </p> + <p> + Fan looked hurt at the words, but made no reply. Mary sat for some time in + sullen silence, and then rose to go. + </p> + <p> + “I can't stay any longer,” she said. “I feel too much disgusted with + myself for having been such a fool to remain any longer with you.” Then, + in a burst of passion, she added, “And that girl—Mrs. Chance—unless + she is as pitifully meek and lamb-like as yourself, what a contemptible + creature she must think me! Of course you have told her the whole + delightful story. And she probably thinks that I am still—fond of + him! It is horrible to think of it. For <i>your</i> sake I forgave him, + but I wish I had died first.” + </p> + <p> + Fan caught her by the hand. “Mary, are you mad?” she exclaimed. “Oh, what + a poor opinion you must have of me if you imagine that I have ever + whispered a word to Constance about that affair.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you haven't!” said Mary beginning to smooth her ruffled plumes. + “Well, I'm sorry I said it; but what explanations are you going to give of + this scene? It must have surprised her very much.” + </p> + <p> + “I shall simply tell her that you were deeply offended at something you + had heard about Captain Horton, and had resolved never to see him again—never + to forgive him.” + </p> + <p> + “That's all very well about me; but he said in her hearing some rubbish + about you being his intercessor, and that he had been as much your enemy + as mine. What will you say about that?” + </p> + <p> + “Nothing. I'm not a child, Mary, to be made to tell things I don't wish to + speak about. But you don't know Constance, or you would not think her + capable of questioning me.” + </p> + <p> + “Then, dear Fan, I must ask you again to forgive me. I ought to have known + you better than to fear such a thing for a moment. But, Fan, you must make + some allowance; it was so horrible trying to meet him in that way, and—my + anger got the better of me, and one is always unjust at such times. They + say,” she added with a little laugh, “that an angry woman's instinct is + always to turn and rend somebody, and after he had gone I had nobody but + you to rend.” + </p> + <p> + Her temper had suddenly changed; she was smiling and gracious and + bright-eyed, and full of rich colour again. + </p> + <p> + “Then, Mary, you will stay a little longer and take tea with us?” said Fan + quietly, but about forgiveness she said nothing. + </p> + <p> + Just then Constance came back to the room. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Mrs. Chance,” said Mary, “I have been waiting to say good-bye to you, + and—to apologise to you for having made such a scene the first time + we have been together. I am really ashamed of myself, but Fan will tell + you”—glancing at the girl—“that I had only too good reason to + be deeply offended with that—with Captain Horton. Fan wants me to + stay to tea, but I will do so only on the condition that you both take tea + with me at Dawson Place to-morrow afternoon.” + </p> + <p> + Constance agreed gladly; Fan less gladly, which caused Mary to look + searchingly at her. During tea she continued in the same agreeable temper, + evidently anxious only to do away with the unpleasant impression she had + made on Mrs. Chance by her disordered manner and language, which had + contrasted badly with the Captain's quiet dignity. + </p> + <p> + Finally, when she took her departure, Fan, still strangely quiet and + grave-eyed, accompanied her to the door. “Thank you so much for coming, + Mary,” she said, a little coldly. They were standing in the hall, and the + other attentively studied her face for some moments. + </p> + <p> + “Are you still so deeply offended with me?” she said. “Can you not forgive + me, Fan?” + </p> + <p> + “Not now, Mary,” the other returned, casting down her eyes. “I can't + forgive you just yet for treating me in that way—for saying such + things to me. I shall try to forget it before to-morrow.” + </p> + <p> + Mary made no reply, nor did she move; and Fan, after waiting some time, + looked at her, not as she had expected, to find her friend's eyes fixed on + her own, but to see them cast down and full of tears. + </p> + <p> + “I am sorry you are crying, dear Mary,” she said, with a slight tremor in + her voice. “But—it can make no difference—I mean just now. I + feel that I cannot forgive you now.” + </p> + <p> + “How unfeeling you are, Fan! Do you remember what you said the other + night, that if I shut my door against you you would come and sit on the + doorstep?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I remember very well.” + </p> + <p> + “And it makes no difference?” + </p> + <p> + “No, not now.” + </p> + <p> + “And I have so often treated you badly—so badly, and you have always + been ready to forgive me. Shall I tell you all the wicked things I have + done for which you have forgiven me?” + </p> + <p> + “No, you need not tell me. When you have treated me unkindly I have always + felt that there was something to be said for you—that it was a + mistake, and that I was partly to blame. But this is different. You said a + little while ago that you turned on me, when you were angry with someone + else, simply because I happened to be there for you to rend. That is what + I thought too.” + </p> + <p> + “If I were to go down on my knees to you, would you forgive me?” said + Mary, with a slight smile, but still speaking with that unaccustomed + meekness. + </p> + <p> + “No, I should turn round and leave you. I do not wish to be mocked at.” + </p> + <p> + Mary looked at her wonderingly. “Dear child, I am not mocking, heaven + knows. Will you not kiss me good-bye?” + </p> + <p> + Fan kissed her readily, but with no warmth, and murmured, “Good-bye, + Mary.” + </p> + <p> + And even after that the other still lingered a few moments in the hall, + and then, glancing again at Fan's face and seeing no change, she opened + the door and passed out. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0045" id="link2HCH0045"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLV + </h2> + <p> + Returned from her visit, Miss Starbrow appeared for a time to have + recovered her serenity, and proceeded to change her dress for dinner, + softly humming an air to herself as she moved about the room. “Poor Fan,” + she said, “how barbarous of me to treat her in that way—to say that + I almost hated her! No wonder she refused to forgive me; but her + resentment will not last long. And she does not know—she does not + know.” And then suddenly, all the colour fading from her cheeks again, she + burst into a passion of weeping, violent as a tropical storm when the air + has been overcharged with electricity. It was quickly over, and she + dressed herself, and went down to her solitary dinner. After sitting for a + few minutes at the table, playing with her spoon, she rose and ordered the + servant to take the dinner away—she had no appetite. The lamps were + lighted in the drawing-room, and for some time she moved about the floor, + pausing at times to take up a novel she had been reading from the table, + only to throw it down again. Then she would go to the piano, and without + sitting down, touch the keys lightly. She was and she was not in a mood to + play. She was not in voice, and could not sing. And at last she went away + to a corner of the room which was most in shadow, and sat down on a couch, + and covered her eyes with her hand to shut out the lamplight. “If he knew + how it is with me to-night he would certainly be here,” she said. “And + then it would all be over soon. But he does not know—thank God!... + Oh, what a fool I was to call him 'Jack'! That was the greatest mistake I + made. But there is no help for it now—he knows what I feel, and + nothing, nothing can save me. Nothing, if he were to come now. I wish he + would come. If he knows that I am at his mercy why does he not come? No, + he will not come. He is satisfied; he has got so much to-day—so much + more than he had looked to get for a long time to come. He will wait + quietly now for fear of overdoing it. Until Christmas probably, and then + he will send a little gift, perhaps write me a letter. And that is so far + off—three months and a half—time enough to breathe and think.” + </p> + <p> + Just then a visitor's knock sounded loud at the door, and she started to + her feet, white and trembling with agitation. “Oh, my God! he has come—he + has guessed!” she exclaimed, pressing her hand on her throbbing breast. + </p> + <p> + But it was a false alarm. The visitor proved to be a young gentleman named + Theed, aged about twenty-one, who was devoted to music and sometimes sang + duets with her. She would have none of his duets to-night. She scarcely + smiled when receiving him, and would scarcely condescend to talk to him. + She was in no mood for talking with this immature young man—this + boy, who came with his prattle when she wished to be alone. It was very + uncomfortable for him. + </p> + <p> + “I hope you are not feeling unwell, Miss Starbrow,” he ventured to remark. + </p> + <p> + “Feeling sick, the Americans say,” she corrected scornfully. “Do I look + it?” + </p> + <p> + “You look rather pale, I think,” he returned, a little frightened. + </p> + <p> + “Do I?” glancing at the mirror. “Ah, yes, that is because I am out of + rouge. I only use one kind; it is sent to me from Paris, and I let it get + too low before ordering a fresh supply.” + </p> + <p> + He laughed incredulously. + </p> + <p> + Miss Starbrow looked offended. “Are you so shortsighted and so innocent as + to imagine that the colour you generally see on my face is natural, Mr. + Theed? What a vulgar blowzy person you must have thought me! If I had such + a colour naturally, I should of course use <i>blanc de perle</i> or + something to hide it. There is a considerable difference—even a very + young man might see it, I should think—between rouge and the crude + blazing red that nature daubs on a milkmaid's cheeks.” + </p> + <p> + He did not quite know how to take it, and changed the conversation, only + to get snubbed and mystified in the same way about other things, until he + was made thoroughly miserable; and in watching his misery she experienced + a secret savage kind of pleasure. + </p> + <p> + No sooner had he gone than she sat down to the piano, and began singing, + song after song, as she had never sung before—English, German, + French, Italian—songs of passion and of pain—Beethoven's <i>Kennst + du das Land</i>, and Spohr's <i>Rose softly blooming</i>, and Blumenthal's + <i>Old, Old Story</i>, and then <i>Il Segreto</i> and <i>O mio Fernando</i> + and <i>Stride la vampa</i>, and rising to heights she seldom attempted, <i>Modi + ab modi</i> and <i>Ab fors' è lui che l'anima</i>; pouring forth without + restraint all the long-pent yearing of her heart, all the madness and + misery of a desire which might be expressed in no other way; until outside + in the street the passers-by slackened their steps and lingered before the + windows, wondering at that strange storm of melody. And at last, as an + appropriate ending to such a storm, Domencio Thorner's <i>Se solitaria + preghi la sera</i>—that perfect echo of the heart's most importunate + feeling, and its fluctuatons, when plangent passion sinks its voice like + the sea, rocking itself to rest, and nearly finds forgetful calm; until + suddenly the old pain revives—the pain that cannot keep silence, the + hunger of the heart, the everlasting sorrow—and swells again in + great and greater waves of melody. + </p> + <p> + There could be no other song after that. She shut the piano with a bang, + which caused the servants standing close to the door outside to jump and + steal hurriedly away on tiptoe to the kitchen. + </p> + <p> + Only ten o'clock! How was she to get through this longest evening of her + life? So early, but too late now to expect anyone; and as it grew later + that faintness of her heart, that trembling of her knees, which had made + her hold on to a chair for support—that shadow which his expected + coming had cast on her heart—passed off, and she was so strong and + so full of energy that it was a torture to her. + </p> + <p> + Alone there, shut up in her drawing-room, what could she do with her + overflowing strength? She could have scaled the highest mountain in the + world, and carried Mr. Whymper up in her arms; and there was nothing to do + but to read a novel, and then go to bed. She rose and angrily pushed a + chair or two out of the way to make a clear space, and then paced the + floor up and down, up and down, like some stately caged animal of the + feline kind, her lustrous eyes and dry pale lips showing the dull rage in + her heart. When eleven struck she rang the bell violently for the servants + to turn off the gas, and went to her room, slamming the doors after her. + After partly undressing she sat pondering for some time, and then rose + suddenly with a little laugh, and got her writing-case and took paper and + pen, and sat herself down to compose a letter. “Your time has passed, + Jack,” she said. “I shall never make that mistake again. No, I shall not + bide your time. I shall use the opportunity you have given me—poor + fool!—and save myself. I shall write to Tom and confess my weakness + to him, and then all danger will be over. Poor old Tom, I deserved all he + said and more, and can easily forgive him to-night. And then, Captain + Jack, you can 'God-bless-you-for-that-Mary' me as much as you like, and + shed virtuous tears, and toil on in the straight and narrow path until + your red moustache turns white; and all the angels in heaven may rejoice + over your repentance if they like. <i>I</i> shall not rejoice or have + anything more to do with you.” But though the pen was dashed spitefully + into the ink many times, the ink dried from it again, and the letter was + not written; and at last she flung the pen down and went to bed. + </p> + <p> + There was no rest to be got there; she tossed and turned from side to + side, and flung her arms about this way and that, and finding the + bedclothes too oppressive kicked them off. At length the bedroom clock + told the hour of twelve in its slow soft musical language. And still she + tossed and turned until it struck one. She rose and drew aside the + window-curtains to let the pale starlight shine into the room, and then + going back to bed sat propped up with the pillows. “Must I really wait all + that time,” she said, “sitting still, eating my own heart—wait + through half of September, October, November, December—only to put + my neck under the yoke at last? Only to give myself meekly to one I shall + never look upon, even if I look on him every hour of every day to the end + of my days, without remembering the past? without remembering to what a + depth I have fallen—despising myself without recalling all the + hatred and the loathing I have felt for my lord and master! Oh, what a + poor weak, vile thing I am! No wonder I hate and despise women generally, + knowing what I am myself—a woman! Yes, a very woman—the + plaything, the creature, the slave of a man! Let him only be a man and + show his manhood somehow, by virtue or by vice, by god-like deeds or by + crimes, be they black as night, and she <i>must</i> be his slave. Yes, I + know, 'Hell has no fury like a woman scorned'; but did <i>he</i> know, + Congreve, or whoever it was, what a poor contemptible thing that fury is? + A little outburst of insanity, such as scores of miserable wretches + experience any day at Hanwell, and are strapped down, or thrust into a + padded room, have cold water dashed over them, until the fit is passed. No + doubt she will do any mad thing while it lasts, things that no man would + do, but it is quickly over, this contemptible short-lived fury; and then + she is a woman again, ready to drag herself through the mire for her + tyrant, ready to kiss the brutal hand that has smitten her—to watch + and wait and pine and pray for a smile from the lying bestial lips, as the + humble Christian prays for heaven! A woman—oh, what a poor thing it + is!” + </p> + <p> + The clock struck two. The sound started her, and changed the current of + her thoughts. “Even now it is not too late to write,” she said. “The + pillar-boxes are cleared at three o'clock, the letter would be re-posted + to him to-morrow, and if he is in America he would get it in eight or nine + days.” She got out of bed, lit a candle, and sat down again to her letter, + and this time she succeeded in writing it, but it was not the letter she + had meant to write. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MY DEAR TOM [the letter ran],—If you are willing to let bygones + be bygones I shall be very glad. I told you when we parted that I + would never speak to you again, but I of course meant not until you + made some advance and expressed sorrow for what you said to me; but I + have altered my mind now, as I have a perfect right to do. At the + same time I wish you to understand that I do not acknowledge having + been in the wrong. On the contrary, I still hold, and always shall, + that no one has any right to assume airs or authority over me, and + dictate to me as you did. I should not suffer it from a husband, if I + ever do such a foolish thing as to marry, certainly not from a + brother. The others always went on the idea that they could dictate + to me with impunity, but I suppose they see their mistake now, when I + will not have anything to do with them, and ignore them altogether. + You were always different and took my part, I must say, and I have + never forgotten it, and it was therefore very strange to have you + assuming that lofty tone, and interfering in my private affairs. For + that is what it comes to, Tom, however you may try to disguise it and + make out that it was a different matter. I do not wish to be + unfriendly with you, as if you were no better than the other + Starbrows; and I should be so glad if it could be the same as it was + before this unhappy quarrel. For though I will never be dictated to + by anyone about <i>anything</i>, it is a very good and pleasant thing + to have someone in the world who is not actuated by mercenary motives + to love and trust and confide in. + + If you have recovered from the unbrotherly temper you were in by + this time, and have made the discovery that you were entirely to + blame in that affair, and as unreasonable as even the best of men + can't help being sometimes, I shall be very glad to see you on your + return to England. + + I hope you are enjoying your travels, and that you find the + <i>Murracan</i> language easier to understand, if not to speak, than + the French or German; also I sincerely hope that one effect of your + trip will be to make you detest the Yankees as heartily as I do. + + Your loving Sister, + + Mary Starbrow. + + P.S.—Do not delay to come to me when you arrive, as I am most + anxious to consult you about something, and shall also have some news + which you will perhaps be pleased to hear. You will probably find me + at home in London. +</pre> + <p> + She had written the letter rapidly, and then, as if afraid of again + changing her mind about it, thrust it unread into the envelope, and + directed it to her brother's London agent, to be forwarded immediately. + Then she went to the window and raised the sash to look out and listen. + There was no sound at that hour except the occasional faintly-heard + distant rattling of a cab. Only half-past two! What should she do to pass + the time before three o'clock? Smiling to herself she went back to the + table, and still pausing at intervals to listen, wrote a note to Fan. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Darling Fan,—I am so sorry—so very sorry that I grieved you to-day—I + mean yesterday—with my unkind words, and again ask your forgiveness. I + know that you will forgive me, dearest, and perhaps you forgave me before + closing your eyes in sleep, for you must be sleeping now. But when I + meet you to-morrow—I mean to-day—and see forgiveness in your sweet + eyes, I shall be as glad as if I had hoped for no such sweet thing. + Since I parted from you I have felt very unhappy about different + things—too unhappy to sleep. It is now forty minutes past two, and + if this letter is posted by three you will get it in the morning. I + have my bedroom window open so as to hear if a policeman passes; but + if one should not pass I will just slip an ulster over my nightdress + and run to the pillar-box myself Good-night, darling—I mean + good-morning. + + MARY. + + P.S.—It has been raining, I fancy, as the pavement looks wet, and + it seems cold too; but as a little penance for my unkindness to you, + I shall run to the post with bare feet. But be not alarmed, child; if + inflammation of the lungs carries me off in three weeks' time I shall + not be vexed with you, but shall look down smilingly from the sky, + and select one of the prettiest stars there to drop it down on your + forehead. +</pre> + <p> + That little penance was not required; before many minutes had elapsed the + slow, measured, elephantine tread of the perambulating night-policeman + woke the sullen echoes of Dawson Place, and if there were any evil-doers + lurking thereabouts, caused them to melt away into the dim shadows. Taking + her letters, a candle, and a shilling which she had in readiness, Miss + Starbrow ran down to the door, opened it softly and called the man to her, + and gave him the letters to post and the shilling for himself. And then, + feeling greatly relieved and very sleepy, she went back to bed, and tossed + no more. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0046" id="link2HCH0046"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLVI + </h2> + <p> + The unbroken greyness out of doors, and the gusty wind sending the dead + curled-up leaves whirling through the chilly air, or racing over the + pavement of Dawson Place, made Miss Starbrow's dining-room look very warm + and pleasant one morning early in the month of October. The fire burning + brightly in the grate, and the great white and yellow chrysanthemums in + the blue pot on the breakfast-table, spoke of autumn and coming cold; and + the fire and the misty flowers in their colours looked in harmony with the + lady's warm terra-cotta red dressing-gown, trimmed with slaty-grey velvet; + in harmony also with her face, so richly tinted and so soft in its + expression, as she sat there leisurely sipping her coffee and reading a + very long letter which the morning post had brought her. The letter was as + follows: + </p> + <p> + DEAR MARY,—We have now been here a whole week, and I have more to + tell you than I ever put in one letter before. Why do we always say that + time flies quickly when we are happy? I am happiest in the country, and + yet the days here seem so much longer than in town; and I seem to have + lived a whole month in one week, and yet it has been such an exceedingly + happy one. How fresh and peaceful and <i>homelike</i> it all seemed to me + when we arrived! It was like coming back to my birthplace once more, and + having all the sensations of a happy childhood returning to me. My <i>happy</i> + childhood began so late! + </p> + <p> + But I must begin at the beginning and tell you everything. At first it was + a little distressing. In the house, I mean, for out of doors there could + be no change. You can't imagine how beautiful the woods look in their + brown and yellow foliage. And the poor people I used to visit all seemed + so glad to see me again, and all called me “Miss Affleck,” which made it + like old times. But Mrs. Churton received us almost as if we were + strangers, and I could see that she had not got over the unhappiness both + Constance and I had caused her. She was not unkind or cold, but she was + not <i>motherly</i>; and while she studied to make us comfortable, she + spoke little, and did not seem to take any interest in our affairs, and + left us very much to ourselves. It seemed so unnatural. And one morning, + when we had been three days in the house, she was not well enough to go + out after breakfast, and Constance offered to go and do something for her + in the village. She consented a little stiffly, and when we were left + alone together I felt very uncomfortable, and at last sat down by her and + took her hand in mine. She looked surprised but said nothing, which made + it harder for me; but after a moment I got courage to say that it grieved + me to see her looking so sad and ill, and that during all the time since I + left Eyethorne I had never ceased to think of her and to remember that she + had made me look on her as a mother. Then she began to cry; and afterwards + we sat talking together for a long time—quite an hour, I think—and + I told her all about our hard life in town, and she was astonished and + deeply pained to hear what Constance had gone through. For she knew + nothing about it; she only knew that her daughter had married Merton and + was a widow and poor. I am so glad I told her, though it made her unhappy + at first, because it has made such a difference. When Constance at last + came in and found us still sitting there together, Mrs. Churton got up and + put her arms round her and kissed her, but was unable to speak for crying. + Since then she has been so different to both of us; and when she + questioned me about spiritual things she seemed quite surprised and + pleased to find that I was not an infidel, and no worse than when I was + with her. I think that in her own heart she sets it down to Constance not + having exerted herself to convert me, thinking, I suppose, that it would + have been very easy to have done so. There is no harm in her thinking + that, only it is not true. Now she even speaks to Constance on such + subjects, and tries to win her back to her old beliefs; and although + Constance does not say much, for she knows how useless it would be, she + listens very quietly to everything, and without any sign of impatience. + </p> + <p> + With so much to make me happy, will you think me very greedy and + discontented if I say that I should like to be still happier? I confess + that there are several little, or big, things I still wish and hope for + every day, and without them I cannot feel altogether contented. I must + name two or three of them to you, but I am afraid to begin with the most + important. I must slowly work up to that at the end. Arthur has not yet + returned to England, and I am so anxious to see him again; but he says + nothing definite in his letters about returning. I have just had a letter + from him, which I shall show you when I see you, for he speaks of you in + it. After all I have told him about you he must feel that he knows you + very well. + </p> + <p> + Another thing. Since we have been here Constance has read me the first + chapters of the book she is writing. It is a very beautiful story, I + think; but it will be her first book, and as her name is unknown, she is + afraid that the publishers will not have it. That is one thing that + troubles me, for she says she must make her living by writing, and I am + almost as anxious as she is herself about it. + </p> + <p> + Another thing is about you, Mary. Why, when we love each other so much—for + you can't deny that you love me as much as I do you, and I know how much + that is—why must we keep apart just now, when you can so easily get + into a train and come to me? To <i>us</i> I should say, for I know how + glad Constance would be to have you here. Dear Mary, will you come, if + only for a fortnight—if only for a week? You remember that you + wanted to go to the seaside or somewhere with me. Well, if you will come + and join us here we might afterwards all go to Sidmouth for a short (or + long) stay; for you and I together would be able to persuade Constance to + go with us. My wish is so strong that it has made me believe you will + come, and I have even spoken to Constance and Mrs. Churton about it, and + they would give you a nice room; and you would be my guest, Mary; and if + you should object to that, then you could pay Mrs. Churton for yourself. I + have a great many other things to say to you, but shall not write them, in + the hope that you will come to hear them from my lips. Only one thing I + must mention, because it might vex you, and had therefore best be written. + You must not think because I go back to the subject that I have any doubt + about Tom being in the wrong in that quarrel you told me about; but I must + say again, Mary, that if he was in the wrong, it is for you rather than + for him to make the first advance. I would rather people offended me + sometimes than not to have the pleasure of forgiving. Forgive me, dearest + Mary, for saying this; but I can say it better than another, since no one + in the world knows so well as I do how good you are. + </p> + <p> + And now, dearest Mary, good-bye, and come—come to your loving + </p> + <p> + FRANCES EDEN. + </p> + <p> + She had read this letter once, and now while sipping her second cup of + coffee was reading it again, when the door opened and Tom Starbrow walked + into the room. + </p> + <p> + “Good-morning, Mary,” he said, coming forward and coolly sitting down at + some distance from her. + </p> + <p> + She had not heard him knock, and his sudden appearance made her start and + the colour forsake her cheeks; but in a moment she recovered her + composure, and returned, “Good-morning, Tom, will you have some + breakfast?” + </p> + <p> + “No, thanks. I breakfasted quite early at Euston. I came up by a night + train, and might have been here an hour or two ago, but preferred to wait + until your usual getting-up hour.” + </p> + <p> + “I suppose you got my letter in America?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I am here in answer to your letter.” + </p> + <p> + “It was very good of you to come so soon, especially as it was entirely + about my private affairs.” + </p> + <p> + “I could not know that, Mary. That high and mighty letter of yours told me + nothing except what I knew already—that I have a sister. In the + postscript you said you wished to consult me about something, and had + things to tell me. Your letter reached me in Canada. I was just getting + ready to return to New York, and had made up my mind to go to California; + then down the Pacific coast to Chili, and from there over the Andes, and + across country to Buenos Ayres on the Atlantic side, and then by water to + Brazil, and afterwards home. After getting your letter I came straight to + England.” + </p> + <p> + “I should think that after coming all that distance you might at least + have shaken hands with your sister.” + </p> + <p> + “No, Mary, the time to shake hands has not yet come; that you must know + very well. You did not say in your letter what you had to tell me, but + only that you had <i>something</i> to tell me; remembering what we parted + in anger about, and knowing that you know how deeply I feel on that + subject, I naturally concluded that you wished to see me about it. I do + not wish to be trifled with.” + </p> + <p> + “I am not accustomed to trifle with you or with anyone,” retorted his + sister with temper. “If your imagination is too lively, I am not to blame + for it. I asked you to come and see me on your return to England, not to + rush back in hot haste from America as if on a matter of life and death. + It is quite a new thing for you to be so impetuous.” + </p> + <p> + “Is that all you have to say to me then—have you brought me here + only to talk to me in the old strain?” + </p> + <p> + “I have—I <i>had</i> a great many things to say to you, but was in + no hurry to say them; and since you have come in this very uncomfortable + frame of mind I think it best to hold my peace. My principal object in + writing was to show you that I did not wish to be unfriendly.” + </p> + <p> + He got up from his chair, looking deeply disappointed, even angry, and + moved restlessly about for a minute or two. Near the door he paused as if + in doubt whether to go away at once without more words or not. Finally he + returned and sat down again. “Mary,” he said, “you have not treated me + well; but I am now here in answer to your letter. Perhaps I was mistaken + in its meaning, but I have no wish to make our quarrel worse than it is. + Let me hear what you have to say to me; and if you require my advice or + assistance, you shall certainly have it. If I cannot feel towards you as I + did in the good old times, I shall, at any rate, not forget that you are + my sister.” + </p> + <p> + “That's a good old sensible boy,” she returned, smiling. “But, Tom, before + we begin talking I should like you to read this letter, which I was + reading when you came in so suddenly. Probably you noticed that I took + what you said just now very meekly; well, that was the effect of reading + this letter, it is written in such a gentle soothing spirit. If you will + read it it might have the same quieting effect on your nerves as it did on + mine.” + </p> + <p> + He took the letter without a smile, glanced at a sentence here and there, + and looked at the name at the end. “Pooh!” he exclaimed, “do you really + wish me to wade through eight closely-written pages of this sort of stuff—the + outpourings of a sentimental young lady? I see nothing in it except the + very eccentric handwriting, and the fact that this Frances Eden—girl + or woman—doesn't put the gist of the matter into a postscript.” + </p> + <p> + “You needn't sneer. And you won't read it? Frances Eden is Fan.” + </p> + <p> + “Fan—your Fan! Fan Affleck! Is she married then?” + </p> + <p> + “No, only changed her name to Eden—it was her father's name. Give me + the letter back.” + </p> + <p> + “Not till I have read it,” he calmly returned. “Mary,” he said at last, + looking up, “this letter more than justifies what I have said to you + dozens of times. No sweeter spirit ever existed.” + </p> + <p> + “All that about the outpourings of a sentimental girl or woman?” + </p> + <p> + “I could never have said that if I had read the letter.” + </p> + <p> + “And the eccentric writing—you admire that now, I suppose?” + </p> + <p> + “I do. I never saw more beautiful writing in my life.” + </p> + <p> + Mary laughed. + </p> + <p> + “You needn't laugh,” he said. “If I were you I should feel more inclined + to cry. Tell me honestly now, from your heart, do you feel no remorse when + you remember how you treated that girl—the girl who wrote you this + letter; that I first saw in this room, standing there in a green dress + with a great bunch of daffodils in her hand, and looking shyly at me from + under those dark eyelashes? I thought then that I had never seen such + tender, beautiful eyes in my life. Come, Mary, don't be too proud to + acknowledge that you acted very harshly—very unjustly.” + </p> + <p> + “No, Tom, I acted justly; she brought it on herself. But I did not act + mercifully, and I will tell you why. When I threatened to cast her off I + spoke in anger—I had good reasons to be angry with her—but I + should not have done it; I should only have taken her away from those + Churton people, and kept her in London, or sent her elsewhere. But my + words brought that storm from you on my head, and that settled it; after + that I could not do less than what I had threatened to do.” + </p> + <p> + “If that is really so I am very sorry,” he said. “But all's well that ends + well; only I must say, Mary, that it was unkind of you to receive me as + you did and tease me so before telling me that you were in correspondence + with the girl once more.” + </p> + <p> + “You are making a great mistake, I only tease those I like; but as for + you, you have not even apologised to me yet, and I should not think of + being so friendly with you as to tease you.” + </p> + <p> + He laughed, and going to her side caught her in his strong arms and kissed + her in spite of her resistance. + </p> + <p> + The resistance had not been great, but presently she wiped the cheek he + had kissed, and said with a look of returning indignation, “I should not + have allowed you to kiss me if I had remembered that you have never + apologised for the insulting language you used to me at Ravenna, when you + called me a demon.” + </p> + <p> + “Did I call you a demon at Ravenna?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, you did.” + </p> + <p> + “Then, Mary, I am heartily ashamed of myself and beg your pardon now. + There can be no justification, but at the same time—” + </p> + <p> + “You wish to justify yourself.” + </p> + <p> + “No, no, certainly not; but I was scarcely myself at that moment, and you + certainly did your best to vex me about Fan and other matters.” + </p> + <p> + “What do you mean by other matters?” + </p> + <p> + “You know that I am alluding to Mr. Yewdell, and the way you treated him. + I could not have believed it of you. I began to think that I had the most—well, + capricious woman in all Europe for a sister.” + </p> + <p> + “Poor man!” + </p> + <p> + “No, it is not poor man in this case, but poor woman. For you + contemptuously flung away the best chance of happiness that ever came to + you. I dare say that you have had offers in plenty—you have some + money, and therefore of course you would get offers—but not from + Yewdells. That could not happen to you more than once in your life. A + better-hearted fellow, a truer man—” + </p> + <p> + “Call him a Nature's nobleman at once and have done with it.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, a Nature's nobleman; you couldn't have described him better. A man I + should have been proud to call a brother, and who loved you not for your + miserable pelf, for that was nothing to him, but for yourself, and with a + good honest love. And he would have made you happy, Mary, not by giving + way to you as you might imagine from his unfailing good temper and + gentleness, but by being your master. For that is what you want, Mary—a + man that will rule you. And Yewdell was that sort of man, gentle but firm—” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, do be original, Tom, and say something pretty about a steel hand + under a silk glove.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, well, you may scoff if you like, but perhaps you regret now that you + went so far with him. A mercenary man, or even a mean-spirited man, would + have put up with it perhaps, and followed you still. He respected himself + too much to do that. He paid you the greatest compliment a man has it in + his power to pay a woman, and you did not know how to appreciate it. You + scorned him, and he turned away from you for ever. If you were to go to + him now, though you cast yourself on your knees before him, to ask him to + renew that offer, he would look at you with stony eyes and pass on—” + </p> + <p> + “Stony fiddlesticks! That just shows, Tom, how well you know your own sex. + Why, Mr. Yewdell and I are the best friends in the world, and he writes to + me almost every week, and very nice letters, only too long, I think.” + </p> + <p> + Her brother stared at her and almost gasped with astonishment. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I am surprised and glad,” he said, recovering his speech at last. + “It was worth crossing the Atlantic only to hear this.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't make any mistake, Tom. I am no more in love with him now than when + we were in Italy together.” + </p> + <p> + “All right, Mary. In future I shall do nothing but abuse him, and then + perhaps it will all come right in the end. And now about this letter from + Fan. Will you go down to that place where she is staying?” + </p> + <p> + “I don't know, I should like to go. I have not yet made up my mind.” + </p> + <p> + “Do go, Mary; and then I might run down and put up for a day or two at the + 'Cow and Harrow,' or whatever the local inn calls itself, to have a stroll + with you among those brown and yellow woods she writes about.” + </p> + <p> + She did not answer his words. He was standing on the hearthrug watching + her face, and noticed the change, the hesitancy and softness which had + come over it. + </p> + <p> + “You are fonder now than ever of this girl,” he said. “She draws you to + her. Confess, Mary, that she has great influence over you, and that she is + doing you good.” + </p> + <p> + Her lips quivered a little, and she half averted her face. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, she draws me to her, and I cannot resist her. But I don't know about + her doing me good, unless it be a good of which evil may come.” + </p> + <p> + “What do you mean, Mary? There is something on your mind. Don't be afraid + to confide in me.” + </p> + <p> + She got up and came to his side; she could not speak sitting there with + his eyes on her. + </p> + <p> + “Do you remember the confession I made to you when we were at Naples? When + you spoke to me about Yewdell, and I said that I never wished to marry? I + confessed that I had allowed myself to love a man, knowing him to be no + good man. But in spite of reason I loved him, and did not believe him + altogether bad—not too bad to be my husband. Then something happened—I + found out something about him which killed my love, or changed it to + hatred rather. I despised myself for having given him my heart, and was + free again as if I had never seen him. I even thought that I might some + day love someone else, only that the time had not yet come. But what will + you think of the sequel? I did not tell you when I discovered his true + character that Fan was living with me, and knew the whole affair—knew + all that I knew—and that—she was very deeply affected by it. + Now, since Fan and I have been thrown together once more, she has + accidentally met this man again, and has persuaded herself that he has + repented of his evil courses, and she has forgiven him, and become + friendly with him, and, what is worse, has set her heart on making me + forgive him.” + </p> + <p> + “It is heavenly to forgive, Mary.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, very likely; in <i>her</i> case it might be right enough; she is + only acting according to her—” + </p> + <p> + “Fanlights,” interrupted her brother. “But to what does all this tend? If + you feel inclined to forgive this man his past sins you can do so, I + suppose, without throwing yourself into his arms.” + </p> + <p> + “The trouble is, Tom, that I can't separate the two things. No sooner did + Fan begin to speak to me again of him, telling me about his new changed + life, and insinuating that it would be a gracious and noble thing in me to + forgive him, than all the old feeling came back to me. I have fought + against it with my whole strength, but what is reason against a feeling + like that! And then most unhappily I met him by chance, and—and I + gave him my hand and forgave him, and even called him by his Christian + name as I had been accustomed to do. And now I feel that—I cannot + resist him.” + </p> + <p> + “Good heavens, Mary, are you such a slave to a feeling as that! Who is + this man—what is he like, and how does he live?” + </p> + <p> + “He is a gentleman, and was in the army, but is now on the Stock Exchange, + and winning his way, I hear, in the world. He is about thirty-five, tall, + very good-looking—<i>I</i> think; and he is also a cultivated man, + and has a very fine voice. Even before I had that feeling for him I liked + him more than any man I ever knew. Perhaps,” she added with a little + anxious laugh, “the reason I loved him was because I knew that—if I + ever married him—he—would rule me.” + </p> + <p> + Her brother considered for some time. “I remember what you told me, Mary. + You said that this man had proved himself a scoundrel, but you sometimes + use extravagant language. Now there are a great many bad things a man may + do, and yet not be hopelessly bad. Passion gets the mastery, the moral + feelings may for a time appear obliterated; but in time they revive—like + that feeling of yours; and one who has seemed a bad man may settle down at + last into a rather good fellow. Confide in me, Mary—I will not judge + harshly. Let me hear the very worst you know of him.” + </p> + <p> + She shook her head, smiling a little. + </p> + <p> + “You will not? Then how am I to help you, and why have you told me so + much?” + </p> + <p> + “My trouble is that you can't help me, Tom. My belief is that no man who + is worth anything ever changes. His circumstances change and he adapts + himself to them, but that is all on the surface. Can you imagine your Mr. + Yewdell something vile, degenerate, weak—a gambler, a noisy fool, a + braggart, a tippler—” + </p> + <p> + “Good heavens, no!” + </p> + <p> + She laughed. “Nor can I imagine the man we are talking of a good man; nor + can I believe that there is any change in him. If I had thought that—if + I had taken Fan's views, I should not have forgiven him. Then I should not + have been in danger. As it is—” She did not finish the sentence. + </p> + <p> + “As it is you are in danger, and deliberately refuse to let me help you.” + Then in a kind of despair, he added, “I know how headstrong you are, and + that the slightest show of opposition only makes matters worse—what + <i>can</i> I do?” + </p> + <p> + “Nothing,” she answered in a very low voice. “But, Tom, you must know that + it was hard for me to write you that letter, and that it has been harder + still to make this confession. Can't you see what I mean? Well, I mean + that I find it very refreshing to have a good talk with you. I hope you + are not going to disappear into space again as soon as our conversation is + over.” + </p> + <p> + “No,” he returned with a slight laugh, and a glance at her downcast eyes, + “I am an idle man just now, and intend making a long stay in London.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0047" id="link2HCH0047"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLVII + </h2> + <p> + On the beach at Sidmouth, about noon one day in the last week of November, + a day of almost brilliant sunshine despite the season, with a light dry + west wind crinkling the surface of the sea, Mary and Constance, with Fan + between them, were seated on a heap of shingle sheltered from the wind by + a sloping bank. Constance, with hands folded over the closed book on her + lap, sat idly gazing on the blue expanse of water, watching the white + little wave-crests that formed only to vanish so quickly. The quiet + restful life she had experienced since Merton's death had had its effect; + her form had partially recovered its roundness, her face something of that + rich brown tint that had given a peculiar character to her beauty; the + melancholy in her tender eyes was no longer “o'erlaid with black,” but was + more like the clear dark of early morning that tells of the passing of + night and of the long day that is to be. She was like the Constance of the + old days at Eyethorne, and yet unlike; something had been lost, something + gained; for Nature, archaeologist and artist, is wiser than man in her + restorations, restoring never on the old vanished lines. She was changed, + but unhappy experience had left no permanent bitterness in her heart, nor + made her world-weary, nor cynical, nor discontented; life's unutterable + sadness had only served to deepen her love and widen her sympathies. And + this was pure gain, compensation for the loss of that which had vanished + and would not return—the virgin freshness when the tender early + light is in the eye, and the lips are dewy, and no flower has yet perished + in the heart. + </p> + <p> + To Fan at her side, interested in her novel, yet glancing up from time to + time to see what her friends were doing, and perhaps make a random guess + at their thoughts, these weeks of country and seaside life with those she + loved had added a new brightness to her refined and delicate face. The + autumn sunshine had not embrowned the transparent skin, but the red of the + lips seemed deeper, and the ethereal almond-blossom tint on the cheeks + less uncertain. + </p> + <p> + Mary was not reading, nor thinking apparently, but sat idly humming a tune + and picking up pebbles only to throw them from her. She appeared to have + no care at her heart, to be satisfied with the mere fact of existence + while the sun shone as it did to-day, and wind and waters made music. That + beautiful red colour that seldom failed her looked richer than ever on her + cheeks; her abundant black hair hung loose on her back to dry in the wind. + For she was a great sea-bather, and while the wintry cold of the water + repelled her companions, she enjoyed her daily swim, sometimes creating + alarm by her boldness in going far out to battle with the rough waves. + </p> + <p> + First there had been a pleasant fortnight at Eyethorne; and during those + days of close intimacy in the Churtons' small house and out of doors, the + kindly feelings Mary and Constance had begun to experience towards each + other in London had ripened to a friendship so close that Fan might very + well have been made a little jealous at it if she had been that way + predisposed. She only felt that the highest object of her ambitions had + been gained, that her happiness was complete. There was nothing more to be + desired. The present was enough for her; if she thought of the future at + all it was only in a vague way, as she might think of the French coast + opposite, too far off to be visible, but where she would perhaps set her + foot in other years. + </p> + <p> + At Eyethorne many letters had come to them all. Letters from Arthur Eden, + who spoke of returning soon from Continental wanderings, and of coming + down to see his sister in the country. And from Captain Horton, also to + Fan, with one at last to Mary, begging them to allow him to come down from + London to spend a few days with them. And from Mr. Northcott to Constance—letters + full of friendliest feeling, no longer resented, and of some speculative + matter; for these two had discovered an infinite number of deep questions + that called for discussion. To those questions that concerned the spirit + and were of first importance, the first place was given; but there were + also worldly affairs to correspond about, for Constance had sent her + manuscript to the curate for his opinion, and he had kept it some time to + get another (more impartial) opinion, and now wished to submit it to a + publisher. He had also expressed the intention of visiting Eyethorne + shortly. + </p> + <p> + Eventually he came; he even preached once more in the old familiar pulpit + at the invitation of the vicar, who had not treated him too well. On the + Saturday evening before preaching, he said to Constance: + </p> + <p> + “Once I was eager to persuade you to come to church to hear me; will you + think it strange if I ask you <i>not</i> to come on this occasion?” + </p> + <p> + “Why?” she returned, looking anxiously at him. “Do you mean that you are + going to make some allusion to—” + </p> + <p> + “No, Constance. But my discourse will be about my life at the East End of + London, and what I have seen there. I shall talk not of ancient things but + of the present—that sad present we both know. You can realise it all + so vividly—it will be painful to you.” + </p> + <p> + “I had made up my mind to go. Thank you for warning me, but I shall go all + the same.” + </p> + <p> + “I am glad.” + </p> + <p> + “You must not jump to any conclusions, Harold,” she said, glancing at him. + </p> + <p> + “No,” he replied, and went away with a shadow on his face that was + scarcely a shadow. + </p> + <p> + After all, she was able to listen to his sermon with outward calm. But it + was a happiness to Mrs. Churton when Wood End House sent so large a + contingent of worshippers to the village church, where the pew in which + she had sat alone on so many Sundays—poor Mr. Churton's increasing + ailments having prevented him from accompanying her—was so well + filled. Glancing about her, as was her custom, to note which of her poor + were present and which absent, she was surprised to see the carpenter + Cawood, with his wife and little ones, his eyes resting on the young girl + at her side, and it made her glad to think that she had not perhaps angled + in vain for this catcher of silly fish. + </p> + <p> + The curate had not been long in the village before Tom Starbrow appeared + and established himself at the “Eyethorne Inn”; but most of his time was + spent at Wood End House, and in long drives and rambles with his sister + and Fan. Then had come the migration to Sidmouth, Tom and the curate + accompanying the ladies. Shortly afterwards Fan heard from her brother; he + was back in London, and proposed running down to pay her a visit. It was a + pleasant letter he wrote, and she had no fear of meeting him now; he had + recovered from his madness, or, to put it another way, from a feeling that + was not convenient. + </p> + <p> + “Have you answered your brother yet?” said Mary, the morning after + Arthur's letter had been received. “I am awfully anxious to see him.” + </p> + <p> + “No, not yet; I wish to ask you something first. Arthur says he will come + down as soon as he gets my reply. And—I should like Captain Horton + to come with him.” + </p> + <p> + “They are strangers to each other, I believe,” said Mary coldly. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I know, but my idea was to send a note to Captain Horton at the same + time, asking him to call on Arthur at his rooms, and arrange to come down + with him. But I must ask your consent first.” + </p> + <p> + “Why my consent? Your brother is coming at your invitation, and I suppose + you have the same right you exercise in his case to ask anyone you like + without my permission. You may if you think proper invite all the people + you have ever met in London, and tell them to bring their relations and + friends with them. I am not the proprietor of Sidmouth.” + </p> + <p> + “But, Mary, the cases are so different. You know Captain Horton, and + though he is my friend, and I consider myself greatly in his debt—” + The other laughed scornfully. + </p> + <p> + “Still, I should not think of asking him to come unless you were willing + to meet him.” + </p> + <p> + “My knowing him makes no difference. I happen to be perfectly indifferent, + and care as little whether he comes or not as if he were an absolute + stranger. Less, in fact, for your brother is a stranger to me, and I am + anxious to meet him.” + </p> + <p> + Fan reflected a little, then, with a smiling look and pleading tone, she + said: + </p> + <p> + “If you are really quite indifferent about it, Mary, you will not refuse + to let me couple your name with mine when I ask him to come down. That + would be nothing more than common politeness, I think.” + </p> + <p> + “Use my name? I shall consent to nothing of the sort!” But as she turned + to leave the room Fan caught her hand and pulled her back. + </p> + <p> + “Don't go yet, Mary dear,” she said; “we have not yet quite settled what + to do.” + </p> + <p> + The other looked at her, a little frown on her forehead, a half-smile on + her lips. + </p> + <p> + “Very well, Fan, hear my last word, then take your own course. I quite + understand your wheedling ways, and I have so often given way that you + have come to think you can do just what you like with me. You have yet to + learn that when my mind is once made up about anything you might just as + well attempt to move the Monument as to move me. You shall not couple my + name with yours; and if you are going to ask Captain Horton down here, I + advise you, to prevent mistakes, to inform him that I distinctly refuse to + join you in the invitation.” + </p> + <p> + Fan, without replying, sat down before her writing-case. The other paused + at the door, and after hesitating a few moments came back and put her + hands on the girl's shoulder. + </p> + <p> + “I know exactly what you are going to do, Fan,” she spoke, “for you are + perfectly transparent, and I can read you like a book. You are going to + write one of your very simple candid letters to tell him what I have said, + and then finish by asking him to come down with Mr. Eden.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, that is what I am going to do.” + </p> + <p> + “Then, my dear girl, I should like to ask you a simple straightforward + question: What is your <i>motive</i> in acting in this way?” + </p> + <p> + “My motive, Mary! Just now you said you could read me like a book; must I + begin to think that you boast a little too much—or are you only + pretending to be ignorant?” + </p> + <p> + “You grow impertinent, Miss Eden,” said the other with a laugh. “But if + your motive is what I imagine, then, thank goodness, your efforts are + wasted. Listen to this. If, instead of being a young innocent girl, you + were an ancient, shrivelled-up, worldly-minded woman, with a dried-up + puff-ball full of blue dust for a heart, and a scheming brain manufactured + by Maskelyne and Cook; and if you had Captain Horton for a son, and had + singled me out for his victim, you could not have done more to put me in + his power.” + </p> + <p> + Fan glanced into her face, then dropped her eyes and turned crimson. + </p> + <p> + “Have I frightened the shy little innocent? Doesn't she like to have her + wicked little plans exposed?” said the other mockingly. + </p> + <p> + “Can you not read me better, Mary?” said Fan; but her face was still bent + over her writing-case, nor would she say more, although the other stood by + waiting. + </p> + <p> + Nor would Mary question her any further. She had said too much already, + and shame made her silent. + </p> + <p> + When Captain Horton read her letter one thing only surprised him—the + reality and completeness of the forgiveness he had won from the girl, her + faith in his better nature, the single-hearted friendship she freely gave + him. He could never cease to be surprised at it. Mary's attitude, so + faithfully reported, did not surprise or discourage him; hers was a more + complex nature: she had given him her hand, and he believed that in spite + of everything something of the old wayward passion still existed in her + heart. The opportunity of meeting her again, where he might be with her a + great deal, was not to be neglected, and he did not greatly fear the + result. + </p> + <p> + Two or three days later he arrived with Arthur Eden at Sidmouth, so that + the party now numbered seven. It was a pleasant gathering, for Mary did + not quarrel with Fan for what she had done; nor was Tom Starbrow + unfriendly towards his sister's lover; and as to Eden, he had grafted a + new and better stock on that wild olive that had flourished so vigorously; + and it thus came to pass that they spent an unclouded fortnight together. + But that is perhaps saying a little too much. Four men and three women, so + that when they broke up there was one dame always attended by two + cavaliers: strange to say, Fan was always the favoured one. For some + occult reason no one contested the curate's right to have Constance all to + himself on such occasions; for what right had he, a religious man, to + monopolise this pretty infidel? Then, too, she was a widow, entitled by + prescription to the largest share of attention; nevertheless, the curate + was allowed to have her all to himself whenever the party broke up into + couples and one inconvenient triplet. + </p> + <p> + Arthur Eden was most inconsiderate. There were whispers and signs for + those who had ears to hear and eyes to see, but he chose not to see and + hear. On all occasions when he found an opportunity or could make one, he + took possession of Miss Starbrow; while she, on her part, appeared willing + enough to be taken possession of by him. Their sudden liking to each other + seemed strange, considering the great difference in their dispositions; + but about the fact there was no mistake, they were constantly absent + together on long drives and walks, exploring the adjacent country, + lunching at distant rural villages, and coming home to dinner glowing with + health and happy as young lovers. + </p> + <p> + And while these two were thus taken up with each other, and the curate and + widow soberly paced the cliffs or sat on the beach discoursing together of + lofty matters—of the mysteries of our being and the hunger of the + spirit, and argued of fate, free-will, foreknowledge absolute, wandering + through eternity without lighting on any fresh discovery of importance in + that extensive field—Fan not infrequently found herself taking part + in a somewhat monotonous trio, with the Captain, baritone, or basso + rather, for he was rather depressed in mind, and Tom, tenor, an artist who + sang with feeling, but with insufficient control over his voice. + </p> + <p> + And one day this gentle maiden, having got her brother all to herself, + began “at him”: + </p> + <p> + “I am very glad, Arthur, that you and Mary are such good friends.” + </p> + <p> + “I'm so glad that you are glad that I'm glad,” he returned airily, quoting + Mallock. + </p> + <p> + “At the same time—” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yes, now you are going to say something to spoil it all, I suppose,” + he interrupted. + </p> + <p> + “I can't help thinking that it is not quite fair to the others to carry + her off day after day—especially after she has not been with her + brother for so long a time.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, yes, her brother! Poor girl, I'm afraid you've been sadly bored. We + must somehow manage to reshuffle the cards. Starbrow might have a turn at + Constance, while you could try Northcott. Would that be better?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” she replied gravely, colouring a little, and with a troubled glance + at his face. “I am thinking principally of Mary and Captain Horton. I know + that he would like to see a little more of her, and—I don't quite + see the justice of your monopolising her.” + </p> + <p> + “And why should I give way to Captain Horton, or to any man? That's not + the way to win a lady's favour. I understand that you look on Miss + Starbrow as a species of goddess; don't you think it would be a grand + thing to be sister-in-law to one of the immortals?” + </p> + <p> + “She could not be more to me than she is; but that you have any feeling of + <i>that</i> kind for Mary, I don't believe, Arthur.” + </p> + <p> + “You are right,” he replied, with a laugh. “I am not sure that wooing Mary + would be an altogether pleasant process; but as a friend she is a treasure—the + chummiest woman I ever came across.” + </p> + <p> + He did not tell her that the strongest bond between them was their feeling + for Fan herself. He, on his part, felt that he could never be sufficiently + grateful to the woman who had rescued his half-sister from such a depth of + destitution and misery, and had protected and loved her; she, on hers, + could not sufficiently admire him for the way in which he had acted, in + spite of social prejudices as strong almost as instincts, when he had once + discovered a sister in the poor shop-girl. At different periods and in + different ways they had both treated her badly; but the something of + remorse they could not help feeling on that account only served to + increase their present love and care for her. + </p> + <p> + At length, one day during one of their expeditions, Arthur spoke to Mary + on a subject about which he had kept silence all along. Replying to a + remark she had made about his resemblance to the girl, he said, + “Everything I resemble her in is inherited from my grandmother on my + father's side.” Then he began to laugh. + </p> + <p> + “I don't quite see where the laugh comes in,” said Mary, who had pricked + up her ears at the mention of his grandmother, for she had been waiting to + hear him say something about his relations. + </p> + <p> + “No, but you would see it if you knew my aunt—my father's sister—and + had heard what passed between us about Fan. She is a widow, and lives in + Kensington with her two daughters—both pretty, clever girls, I + think, though they are my cousins. Let me tell you about her. She is a + dear good creature, and I am awfully fond of her; very religious too, but + what the world thinks and says, and what it will say, is as much to her as + what her Bible says, although it would shock her very much to hear me say + so. When I made the discovery that Fan was my half-sister, I told aunt all + about it. She was greatly troubled in her mind, and I suppose that her + mental picture of the girl must have been rather a disagreeable one; but + she asked no questions on the point, and I gave her no information. She + said that it was right to provide for her, and so on, but that it would be + a great mistake to make her take the family name, or to bring her forward + in any way. After a few days she wrote to me asking what I had done or was + going to do about it. I replied that Fan was my father's daughter, and as + much to me as if we had been born of one mother as well, and that I had + nothing more to say. Then I got letter after letter, reasoning with me + about my quixotic ideas, and trying to convince me that my action would + only result in spoiling the girl, and in creating a coldness between + myself and relations. It was rather hard, because I am really fond of my + aunt and my cousins. My only answer to all her letters was to give her an + account of that dream or fancy of my father's; her reply was that that + made no difference, that I would do the girl no good by dragging her among + people she was not fitted to associate with. + </p> + <p> + “So the matter rested until my return to England, when I called to see + her. She was still anxious, and at once asked me if I had come round to + her view. I said no. At last, finding that I was not to be moved, she + asked me to let her see the girl—she did not wish her daughters to + see her. I declined, and that brought us to a deadlock. She informed me + that there was nothing more to be said, but she couldn't help saying more, + and asked me what I intended doing about it. Nothing, I answered; since + she refused to countenance Fan, there was nothing I could do. Not quite + satisfied, she asked whether this disagreement between us would make any + difference. I said that it would make all the difference in the world. She + was angry at that, but got over it by the time my visit came to an end, + and she asked me very sweetly when I was going to see her again. I + laughed, and said that after she had turned me, quixotic ideas and all, + out of her house, I could not very well return. It distressed her very + much; for she knows that I am not all softness, that I can sometimes stick + to a resolution. Then at last came the question that should have come + first: What was this poor girl of the lower orders about whom I had lost + my reason like? + </p> + <p> + “Before finishing I must tell you something about that grandmother I have + mentioned. She was a gentle, lovely woman, just such a one as Fan in + character, and her memory is almost worshipped by my aunt. And Fan is + exactly like what she was when a girl. I knew that my aunt possessed an + exquisite miniature portrait of her taken before her marriage, which I had + not seen for a long time. I asked her to let me look at it, and one of the + girls went and fetched it. 'This,' I said, 'allowing for the different + arrangement of the hair, might be a portrait of Fan; and in character, the + resemblance is as great as in face. I believe that my grandmother's soul + has come back to earth.' + </p> + <p> + “'Arthur, I can't believe you!' she exclaimed. 'It is wicked of you to + compare this poor girl, the child of a person of the lower classes, to my + mother—a most heavenly-minded woman!' I only laughed, and then they + begged me to show them a photograph of Fan. I hadn't one to show, but I + got back that picture you have heard about, and forwarded it to + Kensington. Now my aunt and cousins are most anxious to see the girl, and + are rather vexed with me because I am taking my time about it. Now you + know, Mary, why I laughed.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear boy,” she said, putting her hand in his, “I thought well of you + before, but better now; you have acted nobly.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh please don't say that. Besides—I think I am too old to be called + a boy—especially by a girl.” + </p> + <p> + Mary laughed. “And you can tell me all this and keep it from Fan, when it + would make her so unutterably happy!” + </p> + <p> + “She will know it all in good time. It will be a pleasant little surprise + when she is back in London. I have sent my aunt to confer with Mr. + Travers, and his account of Fan has quite excited her.” + </p> + <p> + From all this it will be seen, that if Captain Horton feared Eden's + rivalry, he imagined a vain thing. But it was natural that he should be + disquieted. His only season of pleasure was at the end of the day, when a + reunion took place; for then Mary would lay aside her coldness, and sing + duets with him and talk in the old familiar way. But his opportunity came + at last. + </p> + <p> + Arthur took Fan to Exeter one morning to show her the cathedral, and at + the same time to pay a visit to an old school-fellow who had a curacy + there. Tom Starbrow went with them, and they were absent all day. + Constance occupied herself with her writing, and Mary would not leave the + house alone, but towards evening they went out for a walk on the cliff + together, and there they were unexpectedly joined by Captain Horton and + Mr. Northcott, who had apparently been consoling each other. The curate + and Constance had some literary matters to discuss, and presently drifted + away from the others. Then Mary's face lost its gaiety; even the rich + colour faded from her cheeks; she was silent and distressed, then finally + grew cold and hard. + </p> + <p> + “Shall we sit here and rest for a few minutes?” he said at length, as they + came to an old bench on the cliff overlooking the sea. + </p> + <p> + “I am not tired, thank you.” + </p> + <p> + “But I am, Mary. Or at all events I have an uncomfortable sensation just + now, and should like to sit down if you don't mind.” + </p> + <p> + She sat down without reply, and began gazing seawards, still with that + cloud on her face. + </p> + <p> + “May I speak to you now, Mary?” + </p> + <p> + “You may speak, but I warn you not to.” + </p> + <p> + “And if I speak of other things?” + </p> + <p> + “Then I shouldn't mind.” + </p> + <p> + “When you said you forgave me, did you in very truth forgive?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes.” + </p> + <p> + “And if I say no more now, will it be better for me afterwards?” + </p> + <p> + “No, I cannot say that.” + </p> + <p> + “Never?” + </p> + <p> + But she remained silent, still gazing seawards. + </p> + <p> + “Will you not say?” + </p> + <p> + “I warned you not to speak.” + </p> + <p> + “But it is horrible—this silence and suspense.” + </p> + <p> + “We all have to bear horrible things—worse things than this.” + </p> + <p> + “I understand you. I believed you when you told me what you did just now—of + the past.” + </p> + <p> + “What then?” she questioned, turning her eyes full on him for the first + time. For a moment their eyes met; then his dropped and hers were again + turned towards the sea. + </p> + <p> + “Is it possible, Mary, for us to be together, for our eyes to meet, our + hands to touch, without a return of that feeling you once had for me—that + was strong in you before some devil out of hell caused me to offend you?” + </p> + <p> + “Quite possible—that is a short answer to a long speech. It does not + seem quite fair to try and shuffle the responsibility of your actions on + to some poor imaginary devil.” + </p> + <p> + “It was a mere figure of speech. Why should you allude to things that are + forgiven?” + </p> + <p> + “You alluded to them yourself. You know that they cannot be forgotten. + What do you expect? Let me also talk to you in figurative language. It + happens sometimes that a tree is struck by lightning and killed in an + instant—leaf, branch, and root—killed and turned to dust and + ashes.” + </p> + <p> + “And still there may be a living rootlet left in the soil, which will + sprout and renew the dead tree in time.” + </p> + <p> + She glanced at him again and was silent. She had spoken falsely; the words + which she had spoken to herself on a former occasion, when struggling + against the revival of the old feeling, he had now used against her. + </p> + <p> + “Will you tell me, Mary, that there is not one living rootlet left?” + </p> + <p> + She was silent for some moments; then, feeling the blood forsake her + cheeks, replied deliberately, “Not one. Can I speak plainer?” + </p> + <p> + He, too, grew white as she spoke, and was silent for a while, then said, + “Mary, has some new growth taken the place of the old roots, which you say + were killed and turned to ashes? There would be a hollow place where they + existed—an emptiness which is hateful to Nature.” + </p> + <p> + “Still pounding away at the same metaphor!” she returned, trying with poor + success to speak in a mocking tone, and laughing in a strange, almost + hysterical way. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, still at the same metaphor,” he returned, with a keen glance at her + face. Her tone, her strained laughter, something in her expression, told + him that she had spoken falsely—that he might still hope. “You have + not answered my question, Mary.” + </p> + <p> + “You have no right to expect an answer,” she returned, angry at her own + weakness and his keenness in detecting it. “But I don't mind telling you + that no other growth has occupied that hollow empty place you described.” + Her voice had recovered its steadiness, and growing bolder she added, “I + don't believe that Nature really hates hollow empty places, as you say—the + world itself is hollow. Anyhow, it doesn't matter to me in the least what + she hates or likes: Nature is Nature, and I am I.” + </p> + <p> + “But answer me this: If you can suffer me, are not my chances equally good + with those of any other man?” + </p> + <p> + “Jack, I am getting heartily tired of this. Why do you keep on harking + back to the subject when I have spoken so plainly? Whether I shall ever + feel towards any other man as I did towards you, to my sorrow, I cannot + say; but this I can say, even if that dead feeling I once had for you + should come to life again, it would avail you nothing. I shall say no more—except + one thing, which you had better know. I shall always be friendly, and + shall never think about the past unless you yourself remind me of it, as + you did just now. This much you owe to Fan.” + </p> + <p> + He took the proffered hand in his, and bending, touched his lips to it. + Then they rose and walked on in silence—she grave, yet with a + feeling of triumph in her heart, for the feared moment had come, and she + had not been weak, and the cup of shame had passed for ever from her lips; + he profoundly sad, for it had been revealed to him that the old feeling, + in spite of her denial, was not wholly dead, and yet he knew that he had + lost her. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile that important literary matter was being discussed on another + portion of the cliff by the curate and Constance. It referred to the tale + she had written, which he had submitted to a publisher, who had offered a + small sum for the copyright. The book, the publisher had said, was + moderately good, but it formed only one volume; readers preferred their + novels in three volumes, even if they had to put up with inferior quality. + Besides, there was always a considerable risk in bringing out a book by an + unknown hand, with more in the same strain of explanation of the smallness + of the sum offered for the manuscript. The price being so small, Constance + was not strongly tempted to accept it. Then she wanted to get the + manuscript back. The thought of appearing as a competitor for public + favour in the novel-writing line began to produce a nervousness in her + similar to the stage-fright of young actors on their first appearance. She + had not taken pains enough, and could improve the work by introducing new + and better scenes; she had imprudently said things she ought not to have + said, and could imagine the reviewers (orthodox to a man) tearing her book + to pieces in a fine rage, and scattering its leaves to the four winds of + heaven. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Northcott smiled at her fears. He maintained that the one fault of the + book was that the style was too good—for a novel. It was not well, + he said, to write too well. On the contrary, a certain roughness and + carelessness had their advantage, especially with critical readers, and + served to show the hand of the professed novelist who, sick or well, in + the spirit or not, fills his twenty-four or thirty-six quarto pages per + diem. A polished style, on the other hand, exhibited care and looked + amateurish. He had no very great opinion of this kind of writing, and + advised her to get rid of the delusion that when she wrote a novel she + made literature. To clinch the argument, he proceeded to put a series of + uncomfortable questions to her. Did she expect to live by novel-writing? + How long would it take her to write three volumes? How long could she + maintain existence on the market price of a three-volume novel? It was + clear that, unless she was prepared to live on bread-and-cheese, she could + not afford to re-write anything. As for the reviewers, if they found her + book tiresome, they would dismiss it in a couple of colourless or perhaps + contemptuous paragraphs; if they found it interesting, they would + recommend it; but about her religious opinions expressed in it they would + not think it necessary to say anything. + </p> + <p> + When this matter had been settled, and she had agreed, albeit with some + misgivings, to accept the publisher's offer and let the book take its + chance, they passed to other subjects. + </p> + <p> + “I shall feel it most,” said Constance, referring to his intended + departure on the morrow. + </p> + <p> + “These words,” he returned, “will be a comfort to me when I am back in + London, after the peaceful days we have spent together.” + </p> + <p> + “You needed this holiday more than any of us, Harold. I am glad it has + given you fresh strength for your sad toiling life in town.” + </p> + <p> + “Not sad, Constance, so long as I have your sympathy.” + </p> + <p> + “You know that you always have that. It is little to give when I think of + all you were to me—to us, at that dark period of our life.” She + turned her face from him. + </p> + <p> + “Do you call it little, Constance?” He spoke with an intensity of feeling + that made his voice tremble. “It is inexpressibly dear to me; it sweetens + existence; without it I know that my life would be dark indeed.” + </p> + <p> + “Dark, Harold! For me, and all who think with me, there is nothing to + guide but the light of nature that cannot satisfy you—that you + regard as a pale false light; it is not strange, therefore, that we make + so much of human sympathy and affection—that it sustains us. But if + there is any reality in that divine grace supposed to be given to those + who are able to believe in certain things, in spite of reason, then you + are surely wrong in speaking as you do.” + </p> + <p> + Her earnestness, a something of bitterness imparted into her words, seemed + strange, considering that as a rule she avoided discussions of this kind. + Now she appeared eager for the fray; but it was a fictitious eagerness, a + great fear had come into her heart, and she was anxious to turn the + current of his thoughts from personal and therefore dangerous subjects. + </p> + <p> + “I do not know—I cannot say,” he returned, evading the point. “I + only know that we are no longer like soldiers in opposing camps. Perhaps I + have had some influence on you—everything we do and say must in some + degree affect those around us. I know that you have greatly changed me. + Your words, and more than your words, the lesson of your life, has sunk + into my heart, and I cannot rebuke you. For though you have not Christ's + Name on your lips, the spirit which gives to the Christian religion its + deathless vitality is in your soul, and shines in your whole life.” + </p> + <p> + They walked on in silence, he overcome with deep feeling, she unable to + reply, still apprehending danger. Then sinking his voice, he said: + </p> + <p> + “Your heart does not blame, do not let your reason blame me for thinking + so much of your sympathy.” After a while he went on, his voice still lower + and faltering, as if hope faltered—“Constance, you have done so much + for me.... You have made my life so much more to me than it was.... Will + you do more still? ... Will you let me think that the sympathy, the + affection you have so long felt for me, may in time ripen to another + feeling which will make us even more to each other than we are now?” + </p> + <p> + His voice had grown husky and had fallen almost to a whisper at the end. + They were standing now, she pale and trembling, tears gathering in her + eyes, her fingers clasped together before her. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I am to blame for this,” she spoke at last with passion. “But your + kindness was more to me than wine to the faint, and I believed—I + flattered myself that it was nothing more than Christian kindness, that it + never would, never could be more. I might have known—I might have + known! Harold, if you knew the pain I suffer, you would try for my sake as + well as your own to put this thought from you. The power to feel as you + would wish has gone from me—it is dead and can never live again. Ah, + why has this trouble come to divide us when our friendship was so sweet—so + much to me!” + </p> + <p> + Every word she had spoken had pierced him; but at the end his spirit + suddenly shook off despondency, and he returned eagerly, “Constance, do + not say that it will divide us. Nothing can ever change the feelings of + deep esteem and affection I have had for you since I first knew you at + Eyethorne; nothing can make your sympathy less to me than it has been in + the past. Can you not forgive me for the pain I have caused you, and + promise that you will not be less my friend than you have been up till + now?” + </p> + <p> + Strangely enough, the very declaration that her power to feel as he wished + was dead, and could not live again, which might well have made his case + seem hopeless, had served to inspire him with fresh hope; and while + begging for a continuance of her friendship he had said to himself, “Once + I shilly-shallied, and was too late; now I have spoken too soon; but my + time will come, for so long as the heart beats its power to love cannot be + dead.” + </p> + <p> + She could not read his thoughts; his words relieved and made her glad, and + she freely gave him her hand in token of continued friendship and + intimacy, just about the time when Captain Horton, with no secret hope in + his heart, was touching his red moustache to Mary's wash-leather glove. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0048" id="link2HCH0048"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLVIII + </h2> + <p> + “A Pebble for your thoughts, Constance,” said Mary, tossing one to her + feet. “But I can guess them—for so many sisters is there not one + brother?” + </p> + <p> + “Are you so sorry that they have all left us?” returned the other, smiling + and coming back from the realms of fancy. + </p> + <p> + “I'm sure <i>I</i> am,” said Fan, looking up from her book. “It was so + delightful to have them with us at this distance from London.” + </p> + <p> + “But why at this distance from London?” objected Mary. “According to that, + our pleasure would have been greater if we had met them at the Canary + Islands, and greater still at Honolulu or some spot in Tasmania. Imagine + what it would be to meet them in one of the planets; but if the meeting + were to take place in the furthest fixed star the delight would be almost + too much for us. At that distance, Sidmouth would seem little further from + London than Richmond or Croydon.” + </p> + <p> + Fan bent her eyes resolutely on her book. + </p> + <p> + “You have not yet answered my question, Mary,” said Constance. + </p> + <p> + “Nor you mine, which has the right of priority. But I am not a stickler + for my rights. Listen, both of you, to a confession. I don't feel sorry at + being left alone with you two, much as I have been amused, especially by + Arthur, who has a merrier soul than his demure little sister.” + </p> + <p> + “Why will you call me <i>little</i>, Mary? I am five feet six inches and a + half, and Arthur says that's as tall as a woman ought to be.” + </p> + <p> + “A sneer at me because I am two inches taller! What other disparaging + things did he say, I wonder?” + </p> + <p> + “You don't say that seriously, Mary—you are so seldom serious about + anything! You know, I dare say, that he is always praising you.” + </p> + <p> + “That's pleasant to hear. But what did he say—can't you remember + something?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, for one thing, he said you had a sense of humour—and that + covers a multitude of sins.” + </p> + <p> + The others laughed. “<i>À propos</i> of what did he pay me that pretty + compliment?” asked Mary. + </p> + <p> + Fan, reddening a little at being laughed at, returned somewhat defiantly, + “He was comparing you to me—to your advantage, of course—and + said that I had no sense of humour. I answered that you were always + mocking at something, and if that was what he meant by a sense of humour, + I was very pleased to be without it.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, traitress! it was you then who abused me behind my back.” + </p> + <p> + “And what about me?” asked Constance. “Did he say that I had any sense of + humour?” + </p> + <p> + “I asked him that,” said Fan, not joining in the laugh. “He said that + women have a sense of humour of their own, quite different from man's; + that it shows in their conversation, but can't be written. What they put + in their books is a kind of imitation of man's humour, and very bad. He + said that George Eliot was a very mannish woman, but that even <i>her</i> + humour made him melancholy.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, then I shall be in very good company if I am so fortunate as to make + this clever young gentleman melancholy.” + </p> + <p> + “I quite agree with him,” said Mary, wishing to tease Constance. “As a + rule, there is something very depressing about a woman's writing when she + wishes to be amusing.” + </p> + <p> + But the other would not be teased. “Do you know, Mary,” she said, + returning to the first subject, “I was in hopes that you were going to + make a much more important confession. I'm sure we both expected it.” + </p> + <p> + “You must speak for yourself about a confession,” said Fan. “But I did + feel sorry to see how cast down poor Captain Horton looked before going + away.” + </p> + <p> + “The more I see of him,” continued Constance, heedless of Mary's darkening + brow, “the better I like him. He is the very type of what a man should be—strong + and independent, yet gentle, so patient when his patience is tried. It was + easy to see that he was not happy, and that the cause of it was the + coldness of one Mary Starbrow.” + </p> + <p> + “Why not <i>your</i> coldness, or Fan's coldness?” snapped the other. + </p> + <p> + “I was not, and could not, be cold to him, and as to Fan——” + </p> + <p> + “Why, he was constantly with me; we were the best of friends, as you know + very well, Mary.” + </p> + <p> + “So handsome too, and he has such a fine voice,” continued Constance. + “Sometimes when he and Mary sang duets together, and when he seemed so + grateful for her graciousness, I thought what a splendid couple they would + make. Didn't you think the same, Fan?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” she replied a little doubtfully. + </p> + <p> + “Yes!” mocked Mary. “It would be a great pleasure to me to duck you in the + sea for slavishly echoing everything Constance says.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, Mary, but I'm not so fond of getting wet as you are,” said + Fan, with a somewhat troubled smile. + </p> + <p> + Constance went on pitilessly: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Oh, he was the half part of a better man + Left to be finished by such as she; + And she a fair divided excellence + Whose fullness of perfection was in him. +</pre> + <p> + “And pray what are you, Constance?” retorted the other. “A fair divided + excellence or an excellence all by yourself, or what? If you find pleasure + in contemplating a deep romantic attachment, think a little more of Mr. + Northcott. He is the type of a gentleman, if you like—brave and + gentle, and without stain. And how was <i>he</i> rewarded for his + devotion? At all events he did not look quite like a conquering hero when + he went away.” + </p> + <p> + Constance reddened. “He is everything you say, Mary—you can't say + more in praise of him than he deserves; but you have no right to assume + what you do, and if you can't keep such absurd fancies out of your head, I + think you might refrain from expressing them.” + </p> + <p> + “But, Constance dear, what harm can there be in expressing them?” said + Fan. “They are not absurd fancies any more than what you were saying just + now. I am quite sure that Mr. Northcott is very fond of you.” + </p> + <p> + “That is your opinion, Fan; but I would rather you found some other + subject of conversation.” + </p> + <p> + “No doubt,” said Mary, not disposed to let her off so easily; “but let me + warn you first that unless you treat Mr. Northcott better in future there + will be a split in the Cabinet, and Fan, I think, will be on my side.” + </p> + <p> + “I certainly shall,” said Fan. + </p> + <p> + “In that case,” said Constance with dignity, “I shall try to bear it.” + </p> + <p> + “We'll boycott you,” said Mary. + </p> + <p> + “And refuse to read your books,” said Fan. + </p> + <p> + “And tell everyone that the creator of tender-hearted heroines is anything + but tender-hearted herself.” + </p> + <p> + “This amuses you, Mary,” said Constance, “but you don't seem to reflect + that it gives me pain.” + </p> + <p> + “I'm sorry, Constance, if anything I have said has given you pain,” spoke + Fan. “At the same time I can't understand why it should: it must surely be + a good thing to be—loved by a good man.” + </p> + <p> + “Then, Fan, you must feel very happy,” retorted the other, suddenly + changing her tactics. + </p> + <p> + “I don't know what you mean, Constance.” + </p> + <p> + “What sweet simplicity! Do you imagine that we are so blind, Fan, as not + to see how devoted Mr. Starbrow is to you?” + </p> + <p> + The girl reddened and darted a look at Mary, who only smiled, observing + strict neutrality. + </p> + <p> + “You are wrong, Constance, and most unkind to say such a thing. You say it + only to turn the conversation from yourself. No one noticed such a thing; + but about Mr. Northcott it was quite different—everybody saw it.” + </p> + <p> + “I beg you will not allude to that subject again. When I have distinctly + told you that it is annoying—that it is painful to me, you should + have a little more consideration.” + </p> + <p> + “This grows interesting,” broke in Mary. “The conspirators have quarrelled + among themselves, and I shall now perhaps discover in whose breast the + evil thought was first hatched.” + </p> + <p> + The others were silent, a little abashed; Fan still blushing and agitated + after her hot protest, fearing perhaps that it had failed of its effect. + </p> + <p> + Mary went on: “Are we then to hear no more of these delightful + revelations? Considering that the Mr. Starbrow whose name has been brought + into the case happens to be my brother—” + </p> + <p> + She said no more, for just then Fan burst into tears. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you are unkind, both of you, to say such things, when you know—when + you know—” + </p> + <p> + “That there is no truth in them?” interrupted Mary. “Then, my dear girl, + why take it to heart?” + </p> + <p> + “You brought it on yourself, Fan,” said Constance. + </p> + <p> + “No, Constance, it was all your doing. Even Mary never said a word till + you began it.” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Even</i> Mary—who is not as a rule responsible for her words,” + said that lady vindictively. + </p> + <p> + “I shall not stay here any longer,” exclaimed Fan, picking up her book and + attempting to rise. + </p> + <p> + But the others put out their arms and prevented her. + </p> + <p> + “Dear Fan,” said Constance, “let us say no more to vex each other; the + remark I made was a very harmless one. And you forget, dear, that I am + different to you and Mary—that words about some things, though + spoken in jest, may hurt me very much.” After a while she continued + hesitatingly—“I am sure that neither of you will return to the + subject when you know how I feel about it. I shall never love again. To + others my husband is dead, but not to me; his place can be taken by no + other.” + </p> + <p> + Fan, who had recovered her composure, although still a little “teary about + the lashes,” answered: + </p> + <p> + “And I am equally sure that I shall never want to—change my name. I + have Arthur to love and—and to think of, and that will be enough to + make me happy.” + </p> + <p> + “And I shall get a cat,” said Mary, in a broken voice, and ostentatiously + wiping her eyes, “and devote myself to it, and love it with all the + strength of my ardent nature, and that will be enough to make <i>me</i> + happy. I shall name it Constance Fan, out of compliment to you two, and + feed it on the most expensive canaries. Of course it will be a very + beautiful cat and very intelligent, with opinions of its own about the + sense of humour and other deep questions.” + </p> + <p> + Constance looked offended, while Fan laughed uncomfortably. Mary was + satisfied; she had turned the tables on her persecutor and provoked a + little tempest to vary the monotony of life at the seaside. Without saying + more they got up and moved towards the town, it being near their luncheon + hour. Fan lagged behind reading, or pretending to read, as she walked. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, let's stay and see this race,” said Mary, pausing beside a bench on + the beach near an excited group of idlers, mostly boys, with one + white-headed old man in the midst, who was arranging a racing contest + between one youngster mounted on a small, sleepy-looking, longhaired + donkey, and his opponent, dirty as to his face and argumentative, seated + on one of those archaeological curiosities commonly called “bone-shakers,” + which are occasionally to be seen at remote country places. But the + preliminaries were not easily settled, and Constance grew impatient. + </p> + <p> + “I can't stay,” she said. “I have a letter to write before lunch.” + </p> + <p> + “All right, go on,” said Mary, “and I'll wait for that lazy-bones Fan.” + </p> + <p> + As soon as Constance had gone Fan quickened her steps. + </p> + <p> + “Mary,” she spoke, coming to the other's side, “will you promise me + something?” + </p> + <p> + “What is it, dear?” said her friend, looking into her face, surprised to + see how flushed it was. + </p> + <p> + “I suppose that Constance was only joking when she said that to me; but + promise, Mary, that you will never speak to Mr. Starbrow about such a + thing?” + </p> + <p> + “Why?” + </p> + <p> + “Promise, Mary—do promise,” pleaded the girl. + </p> + <p> + “But, Fan, I have already talked to him more than once on that same + dreadful subject.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, how could you do it, Mary! You had no right to speak to him of such a + thing.” + </p> + <p> + “You must not blame me, Fan. He spoke to me first about it.” + </p> + <p> + “He did! I can hardly believe it. Was it right of him to speak of such a + thing to you?” + </p> + <p> + “And not to you first, Fan? Poor Tom spoke to me because he was afraid to + speak to you—afraid that you had no such feeling for him as he + wished you to have. He wanted sympathy and advice, and so the poor fellow + came to me.” + </p> + <p> + “And what did you say, Mary?” + </p> + <p> + “Of course I told him the simple truth about you. I said that you were + cold and stern in disposition, very strong-minded and despotic; but that + at some future time, if he would wait patiently, you might perhaps + condescend to make him happy and take him just for the pleasure of + possessing a man to tyrannise over.” + </p> + <p> + Fan did not laugh nor reply. Her face was bent down, and when the other + stooped and looked into it, there were tears in her eyes. + </p> + <p> + “Crying! Oh, you foolish, sensitive child! Was it true, then, that you did + not know—never even suspected that Tom loved you?” + </p> + <p> + “No; I think I have known it for some time. But it was so hard to hear it + spoken of in that way. I have felt so sorry; I thought it would never be + noticed—never be known—that he would see that it could never + be, and forget it. Why did you say that to him, Mary—that some day I + might feel as he wished? Don't you know that it can never be?” + </p> + <p> + “But why can't it be, Fan? You are so young, and your feelings may change. + And he is my brother—would you not like to have me for a sister?” + </p> + <p> + “You <i>are</i> my sister, Mary—more than a sister. If Arthur had + had sisters it would have made no difference. But about Tom, you must + believe me, Mary; he is just like a brother to me, and I know I shall + never change about that.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, yes; we are all so wise about such things,” returned the other with a + slight laugh, and then a long silence followed. + </p> + <p> + There was excuse for it, for just then, the arguments about the conditions + of the race had waxed loud, degenerating into mere clamour. It almost + looked as if the more excited ones were about to settle their differences + with their flourishing fists. But Mary was scarcely conscious of what was + passing before her; she was mentally occupied recalling certain things + which she had heard two or three days ago; also things she had seen + without attention. Fan, Tom, and Arthur had told her about that day spent + in Exeter. At their destination their party had been increased to four by + Arthur's clerical friend, Frank Arnold. This young gentleman had acted as + guide to the cathedral, and had also entertained them at luncheon, which + proved a very magnificent repast to be given by a young curate in + apartments. It was all a dull wretched affair, according to Tom; the young + fellow had never left off making himself agreeable to Fan until she had + got into her carriage to return to Sidmouth. And yet Fan had scarcely + mentioned Mr. Arnold, only saying that she had passed a happy day. How + happy it must have been, thought Mary, a new light dawning on her mind, + for the sparkle of it to have lasted so long! + </p> + <p> + “Shall you meet your brother's friend, Mr. Arnold, again?” she asked a + little suddenly. + </p> + <p> + “I—I think so—yes,” returned Fan, a little confused. “He is + coming to London next month, and will be a great deal with Arthur, and—of + course I shall see him. Why do you ask, Mary?” + </p> + <p> + But Mary was revolving many things in her mind, and kept silent. + </p> + <p> + “What are you thinking about, Mary?” persisted the other. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, about all kinds of things; mysteries, for instance, and about how + little we know of what's going on in each other's minds. You are about as + transparent a person as one could have, and yet half the time, now I come + to think of it, I don't seem to know what you would be at. A little while + ago you joined with Constance in that attack on me. I am just asking + myself, 'Would it have been pleasant to you if Jack had gone away + yesterday happy and triumphant—if I had promised him my hand?'” + </p> + <p> + “Your hand, Mary—how can you ask such a question? How could you + imagine such a thing?” + </p> + <p> + “Does it seem so dreadful a thing? Have you not worked on me to make me + forgive and think well of him? You do not think his repentance all a sham; + you have forgotten the past, are his friend, and trust him. Do you, in + spite of it all, still think evil of him and separate him from other men? + Was the thief on the cross who repented a less welcome guest at that + supper he was invited to because of his evil deeds? And is this man, in + whose repentance you really believe, less a child of God than other men, + that you make this strange distinction?” + </p> + <p> + The girl cast down her eyes and was silent for some time. + </p> + <p> + “Mary,” she spoke at length, “I can't explain it, but I do feel that there + is a difference—that it is not wrong to make such a distinction. It + is in us already made, and we can't unmake it. I know that I feel + everything you have said about him, and I am very, very glad that you too + have forgiven him and are his friend. But it would have been horrible if + you had felt for him again as you did once.” + </p> + <p> + Mary turned her face away, her eyes growing dim with tears of mingled pain + and happiness; for how long it had taken her to read the soul that was so + easy to read, so crystalline, and how much it would have helped her if she + could have understood it sooner! But now the shameful cup had passed for + ever from her, and the loved girl at her side had never discovered, never + suspected, how near to her lips it had been. + </p> + <p> + And while she stood thus, while Fan waited for her to turn her face, hard + by there sounded a great clatter and rattling of the old ramshackle + machine, and pounding of the donkey's hoofs on the gravel, and vigorous + thwacks from sticks and hands and hats on his rump by his backers, + accompanied with much noise of cheering and shouting. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, look; it is all over!” cried Mary. “What a shame to miss it after all—what + could we have been thinking about! Come, let's go and find out who won. I + shall give sixpence to the winner, just to encourage local sport.” + </p> + <p> + “And I,” said Fan, “shall give a shilling to the loser—to encourage—” + In her haste she did not say what. + </p> + <div style="height: 6em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Fan, by W.H. 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